"[Music]" "Fay:" "I didn't come to town To visit your aquarium" "I think a fish's place Is in the sea" "I've heard you've got A simply lovely planetarium" "But looking at the stars Is not for me" "Now, don't drag me Through your museum" "A picture postcard will do" "Don't give me souvenirs I got no room to carry 'em" "The only souvenir I want is you" "I'm just a stranger in town" "And I've come down For real hospitality" "Well, all right, then, baby, tonight" "Be good to a stranger in town" "I'm here to melt or to freeze" "In times like these Let's skip the formality" "Baby, please Be good to a stranger in town" "Boy, is she sizzling tonight." "That don't help nobody." "I bet you the notice goes up come Saturday." "Boy, you can smell this flop clear to Times Square." "Yeah, and in this theatre, too, where Ferris and Lawrence had all their smashes." "Just help yourself It is yours" "I'm just a stranger today" "But that's okay A mere technicality" "Well, all right, tonight is tonight" "And, baby, You're breaking me down" "So be good to a stranger in town" "How's business tonight, Mr Ferris?" "Terrible." "I've been with you for more than ten years, ever since you left Ziegfeld." "I was with you that night in Minneapolis when you saw Miss Lawrence for the first time at the old Orpheum." "Remember?" "You picked a fine time to reminisce, Frank." "I just wanted to say, Mr Ferris, take advice of an old friend and close Saturday." "Not on your life." "Tony Ferris may go down, but not without a fight." "Tell Mr Ferris I want to see him in my dressing room." "Oui, madame." "Monsieur Ferris." "Yes?" "Miss Lawrence wants to see you in her dressing room." "All right." "Hold the fort." "You sent for me, honey?" "I won't need you, Babette." "You want to talk to me, Fay?" "I don't, but it's necessary." "Get that chair and sit down." "I want to talk about Indiscretions, and I don't mean my own." "Well, go right ahead." "I can always listen to you with the greatest of pleasure." "But you didn't listen when I warned you about this show." "Can't you see the way it's going, it's no use?" "Why, if I stay with the show, I'll lose my reputation." "Well, I've been working on some new promotion angles." "Fay, I can make another Show Boat out of this." "Why, the idea's cooking now." "Yeah, I bet it'll be half-baked." "Well, I'm giving you my two weeks' notice." "Fay, you can't do that to me." "Don't tell me you've lost faith in me after all the hits we've done together." "Yeah, five hits and one error." "Oh, we can fix the show up." "It's easier to get a new one." "Just a moment." "Before you think of leaving me, you'd better read your contract." "I did, and it made very light reading in bed last night." "There's a certain little clause about a minimum weekly gross that lets me out very nicely." "What would you do without me?" "Much better." "Wait a minute." "There's something behind all this." "What is it?" "Simply that I have a tradition of success to live up to." "Now, Forrest Stanton..." "Stanton!" "Don't tell me that guy's been after you." ""After" is not the word." "The gentleman approached me about starring in his Tropicana." "That's fine, that's fine." "You talk to another producer while I'm still paying you." "[KNOCKING]" "Hey, boss." "Come here, I gotta talk to you." "Hey, boss, we're in trouble." "You trying to be funny?" "No, there's a guy upstairs wants to see you from the Bainbridge Foundation." "Bainbridge Foundation?" "Yeah, you know, one of them clean-up deformers." "Tony:" "Send that long-hair in." "Yeah, but this guy ain't got no hair." "Send him in anyway." "Okay." "Okay, bub." "Good evening, Mr Ferris." "All right, all right." "What's the beef?" "Beef?" "Well, the last I bought was 60 cents." "That was hamburger." "Say, I'm in no mood for joking." "What do you want?" "Mr Ferris, I have just seen your show and in my opinion..." "That's a lie." "Indiscretions is clean, wholesome entertainment for the entire family, and if your organisation thinks for one moment..." "Please, Mr Ferris, you don't understand." "I liked your show." "What?" "Miss Lawrence is the prettiest girl I've seen since Lillian Russell, and those indiscrete ladies..." "I know all those adjectives." "What do you people want from me?" "Well, I'm not representing the foundation." "I'm only a supply clerk there, anyway." "I came to ask you to do something for me, personally." "Oh, now comes the bite." "What do you want?" "Well, I have a niece..." "I have ulcers." "And compared to my other troubles, my ulcers are a pleasure." "Well, I'm sorry about your ulcers, but my niece, Janey, is the sweetest, the prettiest, the most wonderful girl that you'd ever hope to see." "I hope I never have to see her." "But she sings like a meadowlark." "She belongs in the theatre." "We all have it in our blood." "Why, years ago, when I was younger," "I used to sing and give imitations." "Listen to this." "[SQUAWKS]" "[GOBBLING]" "That's a turkey." "Are you kidding me?" "Oh, no, sir." "Well, I'm not in the poultry business." "Well, I only do it for friends." "Well, that's the surest way to lose them." "What can I do about all this?" "Well, if you'd only give Janey a chance." "She's always wanted to appear in a theatre, and it'd make me very happy." "Mouse." "Yes, boss." "Show this imitations man out." "Come on, Mr Foundation." "We've had enough of your propaganda." "Come on." "The way you gentlemen are acting, you'd think I was having your show raided." "We know all about it." "Say, wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Mouse, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, shoving this gentleman around like this." "Take your hands off him." "Why, you mustn't rush out like this." "Oh, mustn't I?" "Why, no, certainly not." "Sit right down." "Why, I want to tell you, I think your hen imitation was a natural." "You do?" "Yes." "Well, it does come sort of natural, you know." "Fine." "Now about your niece." "I may put her in the show, that is, if you'll do something for me too." "You know, you scratch my back, I scratch yours." "Well, mine doesn't itch, but I'd be very glad to scratch yours." "No, no, no." "Tell me, how do you stand with your boss?" "Oh, you mean Hannah Bainbridge, the president?" "Yes, how do you rate with her?" "I'm her kid brother, Hubert." "Hubert, how would you like to get out of the supply room?" "Well, it is a little close in there." "I understand." "Just a second." "Just a second, Hubert." "Take a look." "What do you see?" "Oh, that's more than I've seen in years." "Put it in your pocket." "That's enough." "I have an idea that will land you on the very top of your foundation." "You have?" "Yes." "What's the idea?" "Well, I'll tell you." "[BELL RINGS]" "Hello, Janey." "Good morning, Uncle Hubert." "What happened to you?" "I was worried." "Aunt Hannah's been calling for you." "She has?" "Oh, dear, dear." "Well, I'd better go right in." "Oh, Uncle, did you see that man?" "You know, the one you told me about?" "Did I see him?" "I not only saw him, I talked to him." "No!" "You're as good as set." "All I have to do is see Hannah." "Aunt Hannah?" "You'll find out." "Now, just keep your fingers crossed." "On both hands." "HANNAH:" "Hubert!" "HANNAH:" "Yes, one round trip to Seattle." "Essential?" "What is more essential than the moral welfare of our young people in these times?" "I tell you, my presence at our convention is absolutely imperative." "Are you going somewhere, Hannah?" "Shut up." "You say I can get an upper?" "I suppose it's the best I can do." "Thank you." "Now, Mr Playboy, where were you last night?" "I went to a show." "A show?" "Indiscretions of 1943." "Hubert Bainbridge." "But it was an accident, Hannah." "I was on my way to the Y for a workout, and I happened to pass the theatre." "When I saw the pictures on the outside, I couldn't resist going in." "But only in the interests of the foundation." "Isn't your interest in our work rather sudden?" "Well, I admit my heart hasn't always been in it." "But last night was more than I could stand." "Look." "Did you ever see anything so brazen?" "Did you?" "Positively shocking." "Send them a stern warning." "Form 92." "Form 92?" "This is something that calls for action." "You should see what she does with her hips." "Why, it's practically the hootchy-kootchy." "[HUMMING "LITTLE EGYPT"]" "Hubert!" "I'm sorry, Hannah, but that's what she does." "I'll take care of her as soon as I get back from the convention." "But that may be too late." "Think of the thousands of people that may see this exhibition." "I tell you, Hannah, this show should be closed tonight." "COP:" "Bring down that curtain." "Ladies and gentlemen, this show is closed." "If you'll go to the box office, there will be an officer who will see that your admission is cheerfully refunded." "Thank you." "What a break." "Why, you couldn't buy publicity like that." "Look, doesn't that make up for last night?" "I wouldn't be surprised if you framed this yourself." "Well, what would you say if I told you that I did?" "Well, it's all right." "Tell her, Mouse." "He figured it all out himself, Miss Lawrence." "He's got terrific connections." "CAPTAIN:" "All right, folks, clear the lobby." "The show is closed indefinitely." "[PEOPLE GRUMBLING]" "Tell them to close that box office." "FERRIS:" "Hey, what's going on around here?" "Hello, Mr Ferris." "Your show is closed." "But this must be a mistake." "You're right, Mr Ferris, and whoever stirred up that Bainbridge outfit is the guy who made it." "It was just a gag." "Well, if it was before, it ain't now." "The heat's on." "We're closing up two more shows tonight." "Anything wrong, captain?" "Yes, Miss Lawrence." "We've gotta close it up." "That's one job I sure hate:" "closing shows." "Well, Mastermind, did you trip over your connection?" "I'll fix this just as soon as I can get to a phone." "The Mayor himself couldn't fix this one, Mr Ferris." "When bigger and better fixes are made, you'll get into them, but from now on, without me." "Pardon me for saying it, Mr Ferris, but that's the best thing that could have happened to that show." "Oh, no, I'm a ruined man." "On the contrary, that show would have ruined both you and Miss Lawrence." "It was a dud." "Now you can take a little rest and then put on something good." "Rest." "How can I take a rest?" "Why not, Mr Ferris?" "Go to Florida and get some of that sunshine." "What's going to happen to Fay Lawrence in the meantime?" "Fay Lawrence?" "Yes." "Do you think she'd wait around until I got a coat of tan?" "Mr Ferris, you mean you didn't hear?" "Hear what?" "Come here, just a minute." "Take a look." "That can't be possible." "Well, we got notice to vacate the theatre." "Fay can't do this to me." "She told me something about Stanton, but I thought it was only to get my goat." "Why, this is awful." "We're sorry we're late, Mr Ferris." "So it's you." "Yeah, this is me, and this is my niece, Janey." "How do you do?" "You're just the guy I wanted to see." "Yeah, was that raid very funny?" "Funny." "I'm still in stitches." "Well, I'm glad you liked it." "And you were right, Mr Ferris, I'm in complete charge of the foundation because my sister, Hannah, has gone to Seattle and will be there for two months." "I'm overwhelmed." "Yeah, I feel pretty good about it myself." "But I suppose you're anxious to hear Janey sing." "You get your music out, darling." "I always play for her." "Mr Ferris, aren't you going to wait to hear Janey sing?" "Gee, Janey, I'm sorry." "Something must have come up." "He was so anxious to hear you yesterday." "Yesterday he still had a show." "Oh, it's all right, Uncle Hubert." "You did your best." "Let's go home." "I'm awful sorry, honey." "[SINGING XAVIER CUGAT'S "NEGRA LEONO"]" "WOMAN:" "Good evening, Mr Ferris." "Bonsoir, monsieur Ferris." "Hello, mac." "Tony." "Xavier." "Mi amigo mejor." "Tony, my friend." "I can always depend on you to fill one booth, huh?" "Wonderful music." "Wonderful." "You know, I should have my head examined for never using you in one of my shows." "But the next one I do, you'll be in it." "Oh, I'm afraid I'll be tied up for quite some time, Tony." "I've just signed with Stanton for Tropicana." "Don't tell me you're gonna work for Stanton too?" "Why not?" "He gave me a good contract and it's a great show." "Great show." "Wait till you see the one I'm working on." "A real dynamite musical if you've ever seen one." "What is it about?" "Well, it's a terrific idea." "It's one of those sensational things, I..." "Tell him, Mouse." "Huh?" "Well, you told me not to tell anybody." "That's all right." "You can tell him, he's my friend." "Well, uh, it's about India." "Maharajas, beautiful girls, a magic carpet." "It sounds vague." "Well, I'm working on the script now." "Tony, you're shadow-boxing again." "You can't even tell a good lie for a friend anymore." "Tell me, is Tropicana really that good?" "Oh, great, great." "How is Fay in it?" "It's gonna hurt, Tony." "Oh, I can stand it." "I don't really care anymore." "What Stanton's trying to do is bring a new Fay Lawrence out of the old shell, to create a new personality." "It can't be done." "He's doing it." "You ought to see some of those rehearsals." "Don't go to pieces, Tony." "Broadway is full of eager and talented people." "You created one Fay Lawrence, you'll create another." "Oh, sure." "Oh, I'd better go back to my band, Tony." "I must hold onto the boys I still have." "You know, most of them are already tooting reveille in Green River, North Carolina." "Goodbye, Tony." "Stanton, that cheap, double-crossing crook." "Bringing out a new Fay Lawrence." "What does he know about her anyway?" "Mouse, have I ever lied to you?" "Well, not unless you had to, no." "Then listen to me." "Fay Lawrence is part of me." "She's me." "Do you think I'm gonna let anybody twist her around and ruin my life's work?" "Sounds like he's doing it, boss." "I don't believe it." "I've gotta see that with my own eyes." "And I'm going to tomorrow." "Well, boss, it was no lie." "They haven't opened yet." "Yeah, they gotta rehearse first." "Come on, let's go in and take a peak." "There goes that guitar" "I knew it would start again" "And there goes my heart again Singing along" "There goes that guitar" "And there goes that chord again" "And I'm overboard again" "Is it that song?" "Or is it love?" "I know that you're near to me" "And that makes it clear to me" "This is the start of love" "And it's gone too far" "There goes that guitar" "There goes my heart" "Or is it love?" "I know that you're near to me" "And that makes it clear to me" "This is the start of love" "And it's gone too far" "There goes that guitar" "There goes my heart" "There goes my heart" "How do you like the number, Fay?" "I don't want to okay anything unless you're enthusiastic about it." "Oh, I always say yes to a good number." "You know, Fay, I'm convinced that this show is going to give you the greatest scope for your talents." "I told you I'd surround you with the best." "Anyway, I'm so glad to be with someone who can keep his word..." "I hope." "That's appreciation for you." "Pardon me, Miss Lawrence, your number's on next." "Uh, did you decide to drive in on the gaucho carriage for this number?" "No, dear, I'm coming in on my own momentum." "I can't let her get away with this." "I've gotta talk to her." "FAY:" "Be sure you don't wear that tonight." "Oh, no, madame." "Get out." "But monsieur Ferris..." "Get out and stay out." "The late Mr Ferris, I presume." "Fay, I heard every word you said to that cheap four-flusher Stanton." "I was sitting in the balcony, right over your head." "As an aerial umbrella, you're a perfect drip." "You've gotta listen, Fay, this doesn't make sense." "You can't work for Stanton after all the shows we've done together." "Think of my reputation." "Don't be tiresome." "What do you want to do, ruin me?" "Put me in bankruptcy?" "Send me to jail?" "You know I've been mad about you from the first time I laid eyes on you." "You're my whole world." "What do you want to do, drive me to a madhouse?" "No, I'll call you a taxi." "Listen, honey, you can't cast me aside like an old shoe." "Don't be silly." "Who's throwing away old shoes nowadays?" "Fay, if you come back to me, we'll get right back on top again." "I've got some great plans." "Why, only this morning, I got you the greatest proposition you've ever seen." "What is it?" "Why, we'll sweep right over Broadway again." "We'll have lines ten blocks long in front of our box office." "We'll have them hanging from the rafters." "And another thing: if you give Stanton your notice today," "I'll double your salary in my next show." "What do you think of that?" "Oh, don't be mercenary." "Money isn't everything, if you can get it." "Doesn't your conscience ever bother you?" "No, it amuses me." "Have you ever thanked me once for everything I've done for you?" "I only answer $64 questions." "All right, Fay, you asked for it." "When I start fighting, I get mad, and when I get mad, I bite nails in two." "All right, I'll get you a priority on them." "[GROANS]" "Private Andy Walker reporting for duty." "At ease, soldier." "Boy, am I glad to see you." "Well, what can I investigate for you today?" "Any burlesque show I ought to peep at?" "No, darling, no investigations." "Things are so quiet around here, I might just as well be in the morgue." "Well, don't let it get you down, honey." "As soon as I get this war over with, I'll marry you." "I'll get you out of here." "But in the meantime, I'd like to be able to prove to myself just what my chances are for a stage career." "Oh, Janey, dear, I still say you'll never be happy in show business." "I don't want to see you get hurt by it." "Why do you feel you have to be a famous star?" "Oh, Andy, it's not the fame I'm after." "It's a chance to prove what I can do." "But it's such a nerve-racking life." "But don't you think it's nerve-racking sitting around here day after day?" "I can almost feel the spiders spinning their webs around me." "Good morning." "Hello, Janey." "Why, where's my friend, Hubert?" "Oh, it's you, Mr Ferris." "So you're the big producer she was telling me about, huh?" "Well, I know you think I walked out on you, but that's what I came up to explain." "Always glad to meet one of our boys." "I'm gonna make a big star out of you." "Yeah, and he's the one can do it." "He's produced more hits than any man on Broadway." "Yeah?" "If he doesn't get out of here, I'll produce one right on his chin." "Oh, Andy, please, you'll ruin everything." "Are you on the level, or are you just bluffing?" "Bluffing?" "I'll show you whether I'm bluffing or not." "Wait till you hear the great news I've got for your Uncle Hubert." "Hey, what's going on here?" "Hubert, Hubert, we're gonna produce the biggest show that ever hit Broadway, and Janey's gonna play the lead." "Honest?" "I give you my solemn word of honour." "I don't believe you've got one." "What have I ever done to you?" "Andy doesn't want me to go on the stage, Mr Ferris." "What?" "And cheat the public of her charm and personality?" "You're not gonna stand for that, are you?" "No, I should say not." "Let's get down to business." "Come right in the office here." "That's it." "[SPEAKING IN SPANISH] Yes." "Come on, Hubert, sit down, make yourself comfortable." "Well, thank you." "You still want Janey to get a break, don't you?" "Of course I do." "Well, then we've got to team her up with some big New York name." "Oh, like..." "Well, not exactly." "Some great personality like, uh, Fay Lawrence." "Oh, she's wonderful." "Yes, but here's the trouble." "She's already signed with Forrest Stanton." "Gee, that's too bad." "Yes." "Someone must get her away from him." "And you're the man to do it." "Well, I'm a little out of practice, but I'll be glad to try." "All you have to do is take the phone." "Call Stanton." "Tell him who you are." "Then sort of drop a hint that he'd better not use Fay Lawrence in his show." "Well, I don't understand." "You don't have to understand." "She's still on the foundation's blacklist, isn't she?" "We have no blacklist." "You have one now." "[INTERCOM BUZZES]" "Yes?" "MAN [OVER INTERCOM]:" "The Bainbridge Foundation on the phone, sir." "Bainbridge Foundation?" "It's Mr Bainbridge himself." "Hello." "Yes." "Oh, how do you do, Mr Bainbridge?" "Of course she's going to be in my show." "Why?" "Well, she's still on our blacklist, Mr Stanton." "Of course, this is unofficial, but I thought I'd warn you in a friendly way." "Oh, but Mr Bainbridge, don't you think that your organization is being very unfair?" "I mean, after all, Miss Lawrence is a big Broadway star." "I've built my entire show around her." "But that's a restraint of trade." "Restraint of trade?" "It's just a friendly tip." "Of course, this is just a friendly tip." "And I happen to know what they're figuring on doing." "Yes, that's right." "Oh, not at all, Mr Stanton." "Goodbye." "What'd he say?" "He thanked me." "Wonderful." "Now we give him our slow curve." "Listen, I've got a story to tell you" "About a yank who came South of the border" "He makes me so happy And so mad" "But, oh, he's such a Romeo" "[ALL SINGING RHYTHMIC SOUNDS]" "Antonio, Antonio He is such a Romeo" "Antonio, Antonio He is so magnífico" "He tries American tactics Makes eyes wherever he be" "Now I'm so mad I could kill him Why doesn't he make eyes at me?" "But Antonio, Antonio He is so romántico" "He plays the piano He's such a man-o" "So magnífico" "He plays the piccolo Oh, how I love him so" "He shakes maraca Chic-chic-chic chaca" "Ah, bravissimo!" "BAND:" "Antonio, Antonio He's such a Romeo" "Romántico Antonio He give me such baloney, oh!" "He's such a braggadocio About the things he does" "BAND:" "Antonio, Antonio He is so magnífico" "Now here I am so all alone Without a single chaperone" "And he is flirting With somebody else" "He serenades señoritas Each night wherever he be" "He plays guitar with such passion" "Why doesn't he play it for me?" "But Antonio, Antonio If we should ever marry, oh" "We'd have Eduardo, Manuelito, Roberto, Pepito" "Pablito, Panchito" "Oh, we'd have so many chiquitos" "Bonsoir, monsieur Ferris." "Is Lou here?" "Yeah, dancing with the dumbest girl this side of the Rocky Mountains." "I saved the booth for you next to Mr Stanton's." "He looks real worried tonight." "You're a real pal, mac." "I'm gonna make you stage manager in the new show." "Thank you, Mr Ferris." "I can do the black-face too, you know." "Mac, tell Louis Shore I wanna see him." "I think Mr Shore is dancing." "Tell him it's important, if he wants to make some quick dough." "Yes, Mr Ferris." "Sorry, honey, business." "Go powder your nose or something." "Hello, Ferris, what's the story?" "Well, I'm in a tough spot." "You're telling me." "I've got $200,000 lined up to do a musical, so I want some real sensational people." "Well, I've got them all, you know." "What type of a show is it?" "Well, I'm angling around." "I've read a couple of scripts." "Who've you got?" "Well, I've got Lucille Wright, Chiquita Benton, Stafford and Lynn," "Bill Weston and his Seven Swing-Slingers." "No, that's no good." "No good?" "What do you mean, "no good"?" "Who do you want?" "Shostakovich and his seven symphonies?" "No, I've got to have the best there is on Broadway, and no fooling." "I gotta rush now." "Big deal is cooking." "I'll give you a call Monday, Tony." "I'll see what I can line up for you." "Give my best to Malnick." "I will." "Hello, Tony." "Forrest." "Mind if I sit down?" "Why, of course not." "Say, what are you doing here?" "I thought you were all tied up with your rehearsals." "Say, how does the show look?" "Tony, it's a gold-mine." "So they tell me." "Oh, by the way, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation with Lou just now." "Congratulations." "Thanks." "I did hit the jackpot." "Too bad you haven't got a show ready." "I'll get one." "Sure." "Tony, I've just been thinking." "How would you like to take over Tropicana?" "Tropicana?" "Tropicana?" "Since when have you started throwing gold-mines away?" "Look, Tony, I've got to get away from this business for a while." "Take a long rest." "Doctor's orders." "You do look terrible." "I do?" "Yes." "Look, I'm willing to take a little loss on Tropicana just so I can get away for a good rest." "Haven't you got Fay Lawrence under contract to play the lead?" "Yes, and she's sensational." "The show was written for her, you know." "I wouldn't be buried in the same cemetery with that dame." "It's no deal." "That can be fixed, Tony." "She'd be happy to step out the minute you took over." "You think she would?" "Absolutely." "Every time she hears your name, she gets sick." "She does?" "Tony, she hates you." "Really?" "Don't you worry about her hanging on to the show, not with your doing it." "Why, she'd pay for her release." "What'll you take for Tropicana?" "Look, I've got $28,000 tied up in it." "I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll take 20." "Being that you're a sick man, I'll tell you what I'll do:" "I'll give you ten." "I'll tell you what, I'll take it." "Give me the chequebook." "Now the pen." "You're getting the best deal of your life." "I want to tell you something, this is the way Tony Ferris does business." "Everything right on the dotted line." "There you are." "Thanks, Tony." "Now, take good care of your nerves." "I will." "Good luck." "Good luck to you." "You know, Tony, I was just thinking, better hold back the announcements until I've had a chance to talk with Fay and sort of smooth over the rough edges, you know." "Let me handle the publicity." "It's all yours." "Thanks." "So long, Mouse." "Mouse, we won the battle." "Mark my words, Fay Lawrence will come back to me crawling on her hands and knees." "Yes, boss, but there's one thing that's worrying me." "What's that?" "How are you gonna cover this check by tomorrow?" "Don't be an idiot." "Tomorrow's Sunday." "Come on." "Well, there you are." "Hello, Fay." "Hello, Forrest." "How are you, boys?" "We've been going through those new choruses of "Can't be bothered" all evening." "Look, gentlemen, I wonder if you'd please excuse us." "Miss Lawrence and I have some very important business to discuss." "Thanks for the number, boys." "and we'll wrap it up as a gift before we give it to our public." "Good night." "Well, I'm glad to see you in such a happy frame of mind." "Won't you have a drink?" "Thanks." "I may need it." "Fay, I have some news for you that may be a shock." "What is it?" "I can't go on with the show." "Oh, is that so?" "You what?" "As a matter of fact, my backer, who was to back me, has backed out." "I haven't the money." "However, the show will go on and I assume that you'll be the star." "But I had to sell the production." "Well, one man's money's as good as another's." "You may not like your producer." "Oh, I like any producer who produces." "Who is he?" "Tony Ferris." "Tony Ferris." "Why, this is a catastrophe." "I'm sorry, Fay, I had no other choice." "After all, you two have had hits before." "Why, you don't know that guy." "Why, this is terrible." "Why, if he'd have been with Washington, he'd have double-crossed the Delaware." "Hello, may I speak to the district attorney, please?" "Hello, Hubert." "Oh, uh, cancel it." "Oh, I'm so glad you gentlemen are here." "Glad to see you, Hubert." "How is every little wrinkle?" "Thank you." "I was just calling up the district attorney." "District attorney?" "What for?" "Well, I wanted to confess about myself and you and Mr Mouse." "Confess what?" "About that telephone call I made to Mr Stanton." "I've felt terrible about it ever since." "I haven't slept a wink." "I'm a sick man, Mr Ferris." "I never lied in my life." "Hubert, you can forget about that call." "Forget about it?" "Yeah, you never made it, understand?" "Oh, but I did, Mr Ferris." "You remember, you were..." "I tell you, you never made it." "But I did!" "You don't remember." "You've got two witnesses to back you up." "Who's the other witness, boss?" "You, you dope." "Do you mean you gentlemen would really lie for me?" "Hubert, we'd die for you." "Oh, you don't know what you've done for me and for the Bainbridge Foundation." "Why, Mr Stanton could have sued us for every penny we have." "So what?" "Well, how much money can you have?" "Well, as of today, there's $409,000.26" "Well, who's rationing all that sugar?" "Pardon me?" "I say, who's in charge of the money?" "Oh, I don't know." "I guess I am, as long as sister Hannah's away." "They couldn't have placed it in better hands." "I don't know why you men are so good to me." "You really wanna know?" "Yes." "I'll tell you, Hubert, anyone who cares as much about his niece as you do must be the sweetest guy in the world." "And I'm a pushover for sweet guys." "This is no place for Janey with her wonderful talent." "Sure, we gotta get her out of here." "You mean it?" "Sure." "Why, that's our sacred duty." "You really mean that you'll give Janey a chance, Mr Ferris?" "Hubert, you leave it to me." "I'll fix you, you and Janey, like you've never been fixed up before in all your life." "Oh, Mr Ferris." "Now you're gonna hear something terrific." "Yes." "Frank." "Yes, sir." "Is Hazel Scott ready?" "It'll take a couple of minutes, boss." "They're still putting the pianos in place." "I don't want any waits between numbers." "Get the next one to follow immediately." "The next will be the "Wabash" number." "We'll need Miss Adair." "Honey, will you get dressed, please?" "Right away, Mr Ferris." "Keep your fingers crossed." "Be good." "Good luck, darling." "Thank you, Uncle." "Will you look at this model, please?" "Let's see." "No, that won't do, Rennie." "That's not massive enough." "Don't forget, this is a Tony Ferris production." "I'm only trying to cut corners a little, Mr Ferris." "Who asked you to cut corners?" "What's 15 to 20,000 dollars to a big musical like this?" "All right, Mr Ferris." "It is your money." "Don't bother about my money." "There's plenty more where that came from." "Mr Ferris." "Yes?" "I'm worried." "About my money?" "No." "Oh." "About the foundation's money." "The way we're spending it, I'm practically an embezzler." "You're still vice-president, aren't you?" "Only till Hannah gets back." "After all, we're supposed to close shows, not finance them." "Oh, don't worry." "By the time Hannah returns, you'll have all your money back and maybe a $50,000 profit." "Maybe..." "When the black keys meet The white keys on Piano Avenue" "Do they music?" "They do" "They swing it in G Corner of keyboard street" "The black and the white Do it all right, all right" "When the ivories and the jiveries Keep that boogie-vard awake" "Make they music?" "They make" "Like pepper and salt Chocolate and malt, they zoot" "The black and the white Do it all right, all root" "Oh, Mary Jane Get off the beat" "Dig that refrain It's sweeter than 8-point meat" "When the black keys Join the white keys" "In that barrel-house parade" "Plays it music?" "It's played" "I'm telling you, jack Stick to the black and white" "All reet, all root, all right" "That was wonderful." "Didn't that make you tingle all over?" "Here's the "Wabash" number, Mr Ferris." "MAN:" "Gee, it's been a wonderful leave." "WOMAN:" "Wonderful for me too." "MAN:" "Gosh, I'm gonna miss you, and the folks, and..." "WOMAN:" "And who?" "Well, you'd only laugh, if I told you." "WOMAN:" "No, I wouldn't." "MAN:" "Well, next to you, I'm gonna miss the river." "WOMAN:" "Oh, you had me worried for a minute." "WOMAN:" "I don't mind a cloudy day" "MAN:" "And I've a mind that loves to stray" "A million miles from here" "WOMAN:" "I see it all so clearly" "Thinking about the Wabash My muddy old buddy, the Wabash" "Thinking about that river A-rolling along in the moonlight" "Thinking" "Nothing to do but keep thinking" "Thinking about the Wabash" "I used to fish for hours Those hazy old, lazy old hours" "Every day was a Sunday And Sunday ran right into Monday" "Homesick" "BOTH:" "Thinking about the Wabash" "MAN:" "I'm missing a gal named Janey CHORUS:" "Janey" "CHORUS:" "Her kisses were so sugar-caney" "MAN:" "And I even miss her brother Who used to peek and tell her mother" "When I'm all through parading" "We'll take off our shoes And go wading" "Wading right in the river A-rolling along in the moonlight" "Thinking" "Thinking about the Wabash" "CHORUS:" "I'm missing a gal named Janey" "Her kisses were so sugar-caney" "I even miss her brother" "Who used to peek And tell her mother" "When I'm all through parading" "We'll take off our shoes And go wading" "Wading right in the river A-rolling along in the moonlight" "Thinking" "Thinking about the Wabash" "Well, I hope you're as pleased with Janey as I am." "Oh, Mr Ferris, I'm so pleased, I can hardly talk." "You've made me the happiest man in the world." "You've fulfilled all my dreams." "Gracious, you have your hands full." "Let me help you." "Oh, thank you, monsieur." "Where are you taking them, miss?" "To Miss Lawrence's car." "She is waiting for them." "Fay Lawrence?" "Golly, I'm dying to meet her." "Here is everything, madame." "This gentleman was so kind to help me." "What gentleman?" "Me." "Oh, thank you so much for your kind assistance." "Not at all." "It's my best deed since I was a Boy Scout, Miss Lawrence." "Oh, I see you know who I am." "Should I know you?" "Well, I was in hopes by this time, we'd be very good friends." "I'm Bainbridge, Hubert Bainbridge." "Bainbridge?" "Yes, ma'am." "Oh, well, where did you get the fantastic idea that you and I should be good friends?" "Well, I was led to believe that you'd be the star of this show that I'm backing." "Oh." "You were led to believe that?" "And you are backing this show?" "Well, my fine future friend, I think you and I should get together and compare notes." "Yes, how about tonight at my place?" "Oh, I'd love to." "But I don't want to interfere with any of your plans." "Yes, but now you are my plans." "I'm Hubert Bainbridge." "Is Miss Lawrence still expecting me?" "I think so, monsieur." "Come in, please." "I'd be very glad to." "May I have your hat?" "I brought a few roses." "It seemed to be a nice thought." "I'll put them in water." "Oh, well, I kind of wanted to give them to her myself." "Sort of surprise her, you know?" "I'm a little bit surprised myself." "Very well, monsieur." "Golly." "[COUGHING]" "Well, I see you're a man of my word." "How do you do?" "Hello, Miss Lawrence." "I..." "Excuse me." "How do you do?" "I've been dropping things ever since I met you yesterday." "I brought you a few roses." "Oh, you shouldn't have done that." "Oh, it's just a thought." "I didn't know you had the soul of a stage-door johnnie." "I just discovered it myself." "Well, sit down, make yourself at home." "I'll be right back." "Thank you." "My, you have a beautiful home here." "And you look simply ravishing in that dress." "You think so?" "What would you like to have to drink?" "Do you have any lemon squash?" "Not if I can help it." "How about a little Napoleon brandy?" "Oh, no." "I wouldn't like to take anything that belongs to somebody else." "Well, he wouldn't mind." "Napoleon made this himself before he met his Waterloo." "You'd better not fill mine up." "No kidding." "Aren't you going to have any?" "Well, I don't drink." "But I like to keep my friends in good spirits." "[COUGHING]" "Got quite a bite to it, hasn't it?" "[RADIO PLAYING SOFT MUSIC]" "Come over here, honey." "Would you like to cut a rug?" "Oh, no, these rugs are too expensive." "How'd you like to rumba?" "Oh, I never did anything but square dances." "well, we can get around to that." "[CHUCKLES]" "Don't jump, honey, don't jump." "How do you feel now?" "Oh, I feel wonderful." "I feel just like a boy again." "Do I look like a boy again?" "Well, I didn't know you then." "Well, you may not believe it but, confidentially, I'm past 40." "Oh, well, a man of 40 is always more fascinating than a man of 20." "A man of 40 has more charm, and more poise and sometimes more money." "How am I doing?" "Oh, great." "I can jitterbug too." "Oh, really." "Yeah." "Oh, you're solid." "You should've worn your draped suit." "I owe all my vigour to vitamins." "I take a lot of them." "A, B, C, D, F, J and H." "Do you think vitamins are here to stay?" "Well, I think they'll stay longer than you will." "Don't look now, honey, but your hair is skidding." "Huh?" "Oh, that thing." "That don't fool anybody." "My sister, Hannah, makes me wear it when I go out because our family made its money in hair tonic." "Say, that music is inspiring." "I wish Hannah would let me go out nights." "Don't tell me she's got you on the swing shift." "No, she just has a mania for suppressing everything." "Well, then I suppose you're number one on her list, huh?" "List..." "List..." "Gosh, that's what I forgot to remember to tell you." "Mr Ferris had me tell some producer that you were on the foundation's blacklist." "And we haven't got any blacklist." "We never even had a white list." "Say that again, brother." "Oh, I can't." "I'm too ashamed." "It was a mean trick, and I'm a cad." "Why did you do it?" "Well, I did it all for my niece, Janey." "Mr Ferris promised to put her in the show if I'd put up the money, and he said you'd be in it too." "Well, where'd you get the money?" "Well, there was a very nice surplus in the sinking fund of the foundation, and I sank some of it in the show." "Did your sister, Hannah, OK the transaction?" "Oh, no." "No, she didn't know a thing about it." "She's in Seattle, at a convention." "She left me in complete charge." "So you plundered the foundation's funds to give your niece a break in show business." "Well, I don't want to discourage you, but you've got one foot in jail already." "Jail!" "Oh, dear, oh, my." "How could this happen to me?" "I only wanted to do the right thing by everybody." "And now look:" "I'm up a tree." "And out on a limb." "Well, what'll I do?" "Well, I've got an idea." "If you want to square yourself, you can start right now." "You're not gonna call the police?" "No, just a man you did a great injustice." "[PHONE RINGS]" "Hello, Stanton talking." "Hello, Fay." "Well, how's the little girl?" "Sure, I remember." "How did you know the Bainbridge people called me?" "Hubert Bainbridge." "In your apartment?" "What is this, a gag?" "His sister, in Seattle?" "Oh, now I'm beginning to see the light." "Go ahead." "Oh, he's sorry, eh?" "Well, how touching." "All right, I promise you I won't make him any trouble." "I'll go farther than that, I'll even try to save his skin, what there is left of it." "All right, Fay, you're a pal." "I just thought you'd like to know how you've been taken." "Hello, long-distance?" "Look, operator, I want you to get me Hannah Bainbridge." "Seattle, Washington." "She's the chairlady of the Bainbridge convention there." "Over hill, over dale We have hit the dusty trail" "And those caissons go rolling along" "Counter march, right about Hear those wagon soldiers shout" "As those caissons Go rolling along" "For it's hi-hi-hee In the field artillery" "Call out your numbers Loud and strong" "And wherever we go You will always know" "That those caissons Are rolling along" "Keep 'em rolling Those caissons are rolling along" "Attention!" "Let's boogie woogie" "Attention!" "Right face" "Column left, march!" "What's on your mind, Harry?" "The bank just called, Mr Ferris." "We're overdrawn again." "Well, what did you do with the 10,000 Hubert gave you Monday?" "Didn't you deposit it?" "Yes, but it's all gone." "Well, we gotta watch ourselves." "Another $20,000 ought to see us through all right." "All right, I'll get it from Hubert tomorrow." "I guess you'll want to hold up all these checks then." "Oh, no, no." "Give them to me." "You never put off until tomorrow what you can do today." "That's my motto." "Go ahead, give them out." "Give them out?" "Yes, it's after 3." "All the banks are closed." "Oh." "Hey, boss." "Yes?" "Are you in the mood for a surprise?" "I guess I can stand another one." "Okay, then." "Wait'll you get a load of this." "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you now Ezra Simpkins in "A Little Bit of Corn"." "Shoo." "Shoo." "Get out of here." "Go on." "You never lay any eggs here." "Go on home where you belong." "Get out of here." "Uncle, the postman just came and brought you some more seed envelopes." "Oh, dear, I've got more seeds now than I know what to do with." "How did you ever get yourself into this?" "I've always tried to be a good American." "And when this country went to war, the corner grocer told me," "I ought to be a farmer in my own backyard." "And as I struggled from the store with all the seeds he'd sold me, he said, " Don't worry, pard, it really isn't hard."" "So I went and planted cabbages" "I figured I knew just how" "They looked so pretty On the envelope" "But just take a look at them now" "Then I planted beets and broccoli Till my back began to bow" "For they looked so pretty On the envelope" "But look at that broccoli now" "The way my peas grow littler" "You'd think I worked for Hitler" "The neighbours are reporting me To Uncle Sam" "That's the kind of a farmer I am" "Oh, I pledged a crop for victory" "And I'd like to keep that vow" "But alas, my vegetables Look like rope" "They feel like Jell-O And they taste like soap" "Oh, they looked so pretty On the envelope" "But look, look, look at them now" "Hubert, you're dynamite." "Well, thanks." "I'm glad you liked it." "I thought we needed something to follow Hazel Scott." "Well, I don't think it quite fits into the show." "As you know, it's mostly a Latin background." "Oh, I thought of that too, Mr Ferris." "I've got a special verse about a Mexican jumping bean." "Now, you run right along and change your clothes." "We'll talk about that later." "I'm glad you liked it, though." "HANNAH:" "Hubert!" "Is this Seattle?" "So it's true." "You have dragged our name in the muck and mire." "TONY:" "Madam, you're interrupting my rehearsals." "Now, will you leave quietly, or shall I have you thrown out bodily?" "If you lay one finger on me..." "Madam, will you kindly take it on the lam?" "Aunt Hannah, what are you doing here?" "Jane, your..." "Your legs!" "What's wrong with my legs?" "Have you no modesty?" "Do you think I'd let any man see my legs?" "Do you think he'd want to?" "Sir." "Who are you?" "Just the producer of the show." "So you're the scoundrel who hoodwinked my poor brother." "Hubert and Jane, come down here at once." "This little escapade is over." "Just a minute." "We have signed contracts." "You can't take that girl out of my show." "Indeed I can." "You're not dealing with my weak-kneed brother and my guileless niece now." "You're dealing with Hannah Bainbridge." "And that's a horse of another colour." "Horse is right." "Janey, come put this on." "this is disgraceful." "If you take them away, I won't be able to produce this show." "Exactly." "I have already notified my bank to stop payments on any and all checks my brother has drawn to your benefit." "Your accounts are closed." "You will never see another cent of the foundation's money." "But if I'm held responsible for these claims, I go to jail." "Good." "That's just where you belong." "Come along now, come along." "And you too." "How were things in Seattle?" "Never mind Seattle." "I'll take care of that." "But I can't go out like this." "You get back to the supply room where you belong." "But I want my clothes." "Never mind about your clothes!" "I can't understand a thing any more." "My mind's a blank." "Mine too, boss." "We've got to get Fay back." "That's the only thing I know." "Mouse." "What?" "If she was to hear that I was dead, do you think she'd feel sorry for me?" "She might." "Folks are awfully good to dead people, you know." "You're right." "I've got it." "Wait a minute, boss." "You ain't gonna bump yourself off just to satisfy that dame, are you?" "No." "Fay's too smart for anything like that." "But I've got a terrific idea that'll work like a charm." "Who are you?" "What are you talking about?" "I'm Doctor Snyder, of the Snyder Private Sanatorium." "Mr Tony Ferris has just been brought in." "There's every symptom of an acute manic depressive case, with complications." "He's been calling for you all the time." "Your presence here would be highly desirable." "All right, I'll be right over." "A very complex case, Miss Lawrence." "You can diagnose it in ten different ways." "In fact, you may take your pick of paranoia, paranomia, schizophrenia, mania grandiose or dementia praecox." "Sounds like a French menu to me." "I suggest that you would see the patient." "I believe it may help him." "I'll be glad to take a look." "I must warn you, this may prove to be a shock." "Well, that's all right too." "This way, Miss Lawrence." "This is one of the most complicated cases I have ever encountered." "Hello, Miss Lawrence." "What's that, lady?" "You want a ticket for the show?" "We're sold out for ten years." "But just a minute." "I have one seat left." "A wonderful seat right behind the post." "Hey, boss, Miss Lawrence is here." "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "What a wonderful show." "What a great success." "That guy's nuts." "He won't recognise anybody anymore, not even you." "When did this happen?" "This morning, Miss Lawrence." "When that dame from Seattle took all the dough out of the show." "At first he was sort of all right, then all of a sudden, zing!" "His mind snapped." "It was awful." "Even I cried a little." "To be, or not to be:" "that is the question..." "Poor Tony." "Who would've thought he'd switch to Shakespeare after reading Police Gazette all these years." "Yeah, it is tough, isn't it?" "Uh-huh." "What's happening to the play meanwhile?" "Nothing." "It's going to pieces, I guess." "I think I'll take it over." "You'll what?" "Take over the show." "You know, the play's the thing." "Not this one, it ain't." "No dough at all, and his checks are bouncing all over the town too." "Well, maybe I can promote someone." "MOUSE:" "Oh, he's been to all the places already and couldn't get a penny." "I think I know a spot he hasn't touched." "You know, I always did like Tropicana and I want to be in it." "Fay, wait a minute!" "Wait a minute!" "With you back in the show, I can promote it myself." "Take it easy, Mr Ferris, please." "Take your hands off me." "You don't really think I'm crazy, do you?" "Of course, not." "You're just a little nervous." "Herbie!" "The gentleman's upset." "You'd better take care of him." "This is an outrage." "I'll sue you!" "Why don't you let him relax?" "Take your paws off me, you big gorilla." "Acute paranoia, and a very dangerous case." "Then you'll keep him here a while?" "Oh, yes." "But someone must sign the commitment papers." "I will." "That's the least I can do for poor Tony." "Fay." "You're not gonna leave me here." "I'm perfectly normal, I swear." "A tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." "Incidentally, that's Shakespeare too." "Let's go, doctor." "Cut it out, will you?" "Listen to me, will you, please?" "Miss Lawrence, please." "You ain't gonna leave the boss in this nut farm, are you?" "Why not?" "With him staying here and not mixing things up," "I may be able to pull him out of the hole he dug himself into." "Fay, it was just a gag to get you back." "There's nothing wrong with me." "Just listen to the way he's fighting back there." "It's awful." "Miss Lawrence, please, do something." "I will." "In fact, I'm off to open a second front of my own." "Hubert." "Fay, er, Miss Lawrence." "Oh, am I glad to see you." "Hannah found out about my advancing money for Tropicana and she's awful mad at me." "I'm supposed to be in the supply room, right now, with my face to the wall." "Well, I'm here to get you out, and I've got an idea that's a lily." "Oh, I love lilies." "This is my niece, Janey, Miss Lawrence." "Oh, this is the little girl with the career and doesn't know what to do with it, huh?" "Well, I'm afraid, Miss Lawrence, I won't get a chance to do anything with it now." "Well, anyone can have a career." "Why not be different?" "Don't have one." "Oh, but she has true natural talent." "Well, haven't we all?" "Where's your sister, Hannah?" "She's in there." "Oh, I wanna get to the bottom of this foundation." "Oh, but you mustn't go in now." "She's terribly angry." "And she won't see anybody." "Not anybody." "She's having tea." "Oh." "She's having tea." "Well, I'm gonna give her a little TNT." "Miss Bainbridge, am I right?" "Who are you?" "My card." "The Queen of Hearts?" "Pardon me, the other side." "Fay Lawrence." "Hmm." "That strikes a familiar chord." "Well, I'm a familiar figure around town." "I know." "You were the star of Indiscretions." "You're the Fay Lawrence that does this." "[HUMMING "LITTLE EGYPT"]" "Great." "Only don't let the clutch out so fast." "Is that what I did?" "Oh, but good." "I..." "I don't think I care to prolong this interview, Miss Lawrence." "Just a minute." "I happen to know that the Bainbridge Foundation has feet of clay, and brother Hubert has a little mud on his shoes." "What do you mean?" "You know what I mean." "Hubert did a little job of embezzling to back Tropicana with your funds." "Oh, I guess he didn't realise what he was doing, but I'm afraid if it got into the newspapers..." "No, no, please." "You wouldn't." "Not the newspapers." "That's why I'm here, to keep it out of the papers." "It must be kept out." "It would be a fatal blow to our name and tradition." "Why, my ancestors came over on the mayflower." "Oh, you're lucky." "Now we have immigration laws." "I only acted upon the reports given me." "I must speak to my brother." "Hubert." "Come in here." "Yes, Hannah, did you call me?" "Come here." "Hubert, how much did this adventuress take you for?" "He's so cute, I only took him for granted." "Well, you don't understand, Hannah." "It was Mr Ferris to whom I advanced the $40,000." "40,000!" "We will pay it all back to the foundation if I have to mortgage my entire holdings." "Now, don't be hasty." "Another 20,000 will open Tropicana and keep your name out of the papers." "You're not suggesting I become a Broadway producer and finance a theatrical venture?" "Well, you're holding the bag." "You may as well have something in it." "No, no, I can't do it." "I can't bring myself to do it." "Oh, come, come, Hannah, you're in a rut." "You'd better." "If you don't, I may go to jail." "Oh, you wouldn't want everyone calling you hard-hearted Hannah." "And it only takes one cheque, Hannah." "You'll have lots of them left in that book." "I don't know." "It's against all my finer instincts." "Come on." "Sit down and put your autograph on a cheque and let's get out of here." "Make it out to Tony Ferris." "Very well, but on the strict understanding that Jane does not set one foot on that stage." "Is that understood?" "All right, you've got my word for it." "Golly." "Now I can come and watch you rehearse." "Mmm, with you around, how can I keep my mind on my work?" "ALL:" "Well, I'm glad to know you, amigo" "Though we're birds of a feather" "Took a war to bring us together" "As I said, mi amigo" "Cómo está usted, mi amigo" "I'll go your way, you'll go my way" "On the pan-American highway" "And to everybody we know" "We'll say hello, amigo, hello" "CHORUS:" "Hello!" "FAY:" "Hello!" "Hello!" "Hello!" "Hello!" "Hello, mi amigo" "Well, I'm glad to know you, amigo" "Though we're birds of a feather" "Took a war to bring us together" "As I said, mi amigo" "Cómo está usted, mi amigo lf you want things put in order" "Come and see me South of the border" "And to everybody we know" "We'll say hello, amigo" "CHORUS:" "Cómo está, amigo" "FAY:" "Venga a vernos" "CHORUS:" "Which means come up and see us" "ALL:" "Hello, amigo, hello" "[APPLAUDING]"