"So what do you guys wanna do today?" " I don't know." " We could sing a song." "We just ate." "We're drinking." "Hey, you know what?" "Mac's coming over here pretty soon..." "Mac's always got something..." "He'll have a plan..." "He always has something." "And he'll get us into something good." "He comes in with something." "He comes in hot." "That'll be perfect." "'Cause I feel like we're having a hard time getting into something good today." "There he is!" "There he is!" "Good timing!" "Mac in the house." "Mac in the house." "Mac in the house." "Got some news?" "Got some news for me?" "Lay it on us." "What's the news?" "What's your news?" "No, what's your news?" "Give us the news." "Oh, I don't have any news." "I thought you guys had news." "You always come in hot with news." "Yeah, what's the plan?" "Oh." "I got nothin'." "Really?" "Huh?" "Oh." "That's disappointing." "You usually fire in here with something." "Yeah." "I've actually been kinda bored today." "We're bored over here." "You guys bored, too?" "We are bored out of our goddamn minds." "You got no plan?" "Didn't run into a thing or...?" "# Don't you remember, love We built this city..." "We built this city on rock 'n' roll... #" "Oh... wait... guys..." "I know what we can do." "You do?" "Let's play "Chardee MacDennis."" "Yes!" "Yes!" "No!" "No!" "No, no..." "No!" "'Cause we're not playing!" "Yes!" "What's "Chardee MacDennis"?" "Oh, my God." ""Chardee MacDennis" is an awesome board game that we came up with, many years ago, on a day much like today." "That sounds like fun." "No, we're not playing it!" "We're not playing it!" "Don't start chanting it, 'cause we're not playing that stupid game!" "We are not playing that game!" "Why?" "What's the big deal?" "It's only a game." "It's not just a game!" "It's a war." ""Chardee MacDennis:" "The Game of Games." Now what we did is we took our favorite aspects of a bunch of different board games and we mashed 'em all together." "We did the same thing with the name, 'cause we couldn't agree upon one." "Now, the point of the game is actually quite simple:" "It's a race to the finish from Level One to Level Three." "This is the board, and we start at Level One, which is "Mind."" "That consists of "Trivia,"" ""Puzzles" and "Artistry."" "It is also the level at which the alcohol being consumed is wine." "Whoa!" "You get to drink during the game?" "Uh, drinking is the game, Frank." "It's the whole point of it." "I'm not going to play any game in which I'm not getting annihilated." "Moving on to Level Two, which is "Body": "Physical Challenge,"" ""Pain" and "Endurance."" "That's the beer level." "Yes, and Level Three is "Spirit": "Emotional Battery"" "and "Public Humiliation."" "Boom-- hard alcohol level." "What the hell you doing, Deandra?" "Oh, this is very important, Frank." "We gotta nail the board down to the bar, because, at a certain point during the game, Mac can get very pissed off, 'cause he's not doing very well." "He's gonna try and flip the board over." "He's right; it's for the best." "I will forget, later, that it's nailed down." " He will." " Okay, here's the big one:" "There's a 15-minute time limit to the game." "15 minutes doesn't seem like a long time for a game." "Well, there's a fair amount of a clock stoppages." "Yeah, each team gets three time-outs; there's a half-time;" "post-level breaks; a two-minute warning and a significant amount of injury stoppages." "Hence the first-aid kit." "Now, pay very close attention to this first part:" "Each team must collect a certain number of cards, at each level, in order to progress to the next level." "And the first team to complete all three levels wins the game." "And the winner-- ooh-- the winner gets a sweet prize." "Nice!" "What's the prize?" "The winner gets to smash the other team's game pieces." "That's the prize?" "You get to smash the team's game pieces?" "Oh, it's incredibly gratifying." "Oh, it's awesome, Frank." "Now these are our game pieces." "Nice, right?" " And... these...." " are Mac and Charlie's pieces." "Look at the condition that they're in." "Pretty pathetic, as you can see from the state that these pieces are in, Mac and Charlie have never, ever, in the history of Chardee MacDennis, won the game." "You never won?" "Never won once?" "No." "It's almost statistically impossible to play that many games and never win, but..." "It's truly an anomaly." "We haven't won yet, all right?" "But maybe this is our time, all right?" "I mean, yeah, it is gonna happen." "Watch out!" "Watch out!" "Yeah..." "I'm gonna slit throats." "Nice." "Ack!" "I love this game!" "I want in!" "Okay, I want to be Mac and Charlie's partner." "That seems fair to me." "Mm-hmm." "And I'll say why:" "Because, you see, Frank's mind is still fairly strong, but his body's very, very weak, so I think it's a wash." "And his spirit's garbage, so I'm okay with it, too." "Hang on a second, dude." "You can't just jump on our team." "Let us talk about this." "All right, first of all, we got a team photo, right?" "Yeah." "So we're gonna have to decide, you know, do we get a new team photo with or without you..." "Plus, we have a whole new strategy to come up with, you know..." "Our strategy has never worked." "And I hate the team photo." "Okay, you know what?" "Just join our team." "You're on the team." "Yeah!" "Don't touch me." "Don't touch me." "Yes, and the Golden Geese are very much looking forward to another annihilation." "Yes, we are." "Now... in the spirit of tradition, I propose that we begin the ritual of sportsmanship." "Good luck to you, sir." "And you, sir." "I do hope you have a good game, miss." "And you, sir." "Why the hell are youse talkin' like that?" "Well, this is an important part of the process, Frank." "Gives the illusion of respect for your opponent." "Things are about to get real dark, real quick, Frank." "It's nice to start off on a positive note." "Oh, that reminds me:" "Once the game begins, you are not allowed to ask any questions." "Yes!" "In fact, if you do, don't say a question, look it up in the book of rules, okay?" "Jesus Christ!" "Oh, I think I understand." "No, you haven't begun to understand, Frank, but that's okay." "You'll get it as we go along." "Like every other board game." "Dee, how much time?" "Uh, ten seconds." "Ah!" "Perfect!" "Okay, gentlemen..." "Suck my dick." "What the shit are you doing?" "Goddamn it, Frank." "You asked a question!" "Goddamn it!" "Frank, Mac, Charlie-- drink for five seconds." "Yeah, drink, drink, drink!" "This is how we get psyched up before each level." "Yeah, that's our Maori war dance." "That's how we demonstrate intimidation." "Shows off our physical prowess!" "All right, Dee, put two more minutes on the clock." "Let's go." "Yep." "Gentlemen..." "Level One begins." "Okay, first card is trivia." "Okay, Dee, answer this question correctly, we get the card." "Yeah." "If not, they get a chance to steal." "Yes." "All right, what is the greatest band in the world?" "Chumbawamba." "Correct!" "Nice!" "Whoa!" "That's not trivia!" "That doesn't make sense." "We made up all these questions, Frank, so there's gonna be a lot of opinion." "Yeah, really, it's more of a memory game than anything else." "But drink." "Drink, bitch." "Let's go." "All right, whatever." "Our turn." "Our turn." "Here we go." "Ready, Charlie?" "Yeah." "No puzzles, no, puzzles, no puzzles, no puzzles, no puzzles..." "Trivia!" "Trivia!" "I can do trivia, baby." "Oh, dude, and you definitely wrote this one." "Nice." "Lay it on me!" "Lay it on me!" "Question: "Dennis is asshole." "Why Charlie hate"?" "I don't think I wrote that." "You definitely wrote this one, Charlie." "Who else would have written this?" "I'm not remembering that." "Oh, my God." "I don't think I wrote that one." "Of course you did." "How many other illiterates are in the...?" "Just throw out a guess." "Pass." "No!" "Pass, pass." "No, he didn't pass, he didn't pass." "Just throw out a guess." "Any guess, come on." "Pass." "Son of a bitch!" "Oh, Charlie." "I can't think of one." "All right, chance to steal." "Because Dennis is a bastard man." "That's what it is." "I definitely wrote that." "That was it, right?" "Two card, two cards, two cards." "I was mad at you about something, I wrote that." "Doesn't matter." "The next card is Artistry." "And it's all play, so pay attention, guys." "All play, all play." "We can get it back." ""The artist from your team must draw the clue from the card on your teammate's back." "The teammate must guess the clue based solely on feel."" "You ready?" "I'm going to pass the card over to the drawer." "I draw, I draw." "Yeah, I don't want to have to read it." "Oh, this is hard." "All right, ready... and..." "You guys ready?" "Yeah." "...begin." "Go, go, go, go, go." "Hey, go." "Uh, uh, bird?" "I'm not getting it, dude." "That's because it's impossible to draw." "I don't know how to dr..." "Jesus, Dee, your back is so boney and crooked and all over the place, I can't get a flat surface." "Anger." "Let me have it." "Let Frank go." "Let me try it." "Oh, if only the answer was ribs." "Go, Frank, give me..." "Kicking, kicking." "He got it." "He got it!" "Son of a bitch." "Kicking, kicking." "Yeah, I forgot about your stupid strange connection with each other." "We get the card, we get the the card." "Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink." "No puzzles, no puzzles, no puzzles, no puzzles." "Chance." "Chance." "This is a great one, Frank." "We stole this straight from Monopoly." "It could be good, it could be bad." "That's the chance." "Got it." "Oh, it's like the best one." ""Take the money from everyone's pockets."" "No!" "Foo-foo, fork over, foo-foo." "That's the best card there is." "Frank, I don't know what you're so excited for." "Give me your money." "What, I'm on your team." "Frank, the card says "Take the money from everyone's pockets."" "Everyone." "You are everyone." "Charlie gave up his 50..." "I got $500 in my pocket." "I'm not putting my money on the table." "You got to do it, dude." "Give it to me." "That's the game." "That's a part of the game, Frank." "Let me see that card." "No, if you're going to play the game..." "Let me see that card." "If you're going to play the game..." "Let me see the card!" "That's not a part of the game." "Why don't you show him the card." "Let him see the card." ""Swallow this card whole."" "Cheating!" "Cheating!" "Cheating." "You've been caught cheating." "Time's up." "You've been caught cheating." "We're on the same team, dude." "Look, Frank, cheating is tolerated, it's accepted, it's like a big part of the game, but if you get caught cheating, they advance to the next level." "You ruined my scheme." "Well, you know, in his defense, you were trying to steal his money." "Yeah." "It was not the time to cheat, dude." "Enjoy that." "Only one card down." "Yeah, well, it's too late now." "What's done is done." "Uh-oh." "So..." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" "To the Game of Games." "Yes, Frank, good, you're getting it." "Very civil." "Can questions now I ask that clock stop-ed?" "Okay, just 'cause you jumble up the words doesn't make it not a question." "But the answer is yes." "When the clock is stopped, all rules are off and civility reigns." "They advance, do we?" "Ah, yes, I'll explain it to you, Frank." "It can get a little confusing." "They are now in Level Two." "Which means they need only two cards to advance to Level Three." "We are still in Level One." "It's a goddamn mind boggler." "Yeah, I've never really understood it, but the point is, if Mac's telling you what to do, listen." "Okay." "Now at Level Two, there is no more cursing." "Oh, yeah." "Big-time Level Two rule." "All right, where we at here?" "Where we at?" "Oh, gentlemen, it's time." "Oh, is it?" "Kick it!" "You flinch, you lose." "Here we go." "Didn't wince, all right." "Nothing." "Not even a..." "All right." "Oh!" "Aw, come on." "Nothing." "The problem is his hands are like..." "So tiny." "If Dee had gotten this, we could have just..." "Obliterated those giant paws." "All right, I got him." "I'm going to put it right in the center of his hand." "Do it, do it." "Cheese and crepes!" "All right, hit him, hit him!" "Dadgumit!" "Let me have a go at it." "Yeah, here." "Oh!" "Wait for it." "Wait for it." "Cheese and crepes." "Son of a gun." "Cheese and crepes!" "Dee, we'll be taking this card." "Cheese and crow." "All right, it's our turn." "Let's go get the cards." "Let's do it." "No, puzzles, no, puzzles, no puzzles, no puzzles, no puzzles, no puzzles, no puzzles, no puzzles, no puzzles..." "Chance." "All right, okay." "Okay, could be good, could be bad." ""Go to jail." "Do not pass Go." "Do not collect $200."" "Sam of a bush." "Okay, we take our pieces, we put them in jail." "Oh, no, no, no, no." "Frank, see, you don't get it." "There's no jail on the board." "So you go in there." "You got to be kidding me." "No, jail's a dog kennel." "You can get out, but you're not going to like how." "You got to eat a cake." "That's sounds good." "It's not." "You have to eat the ingredients of a cake." "Aw, shit." "One, by one..." "Oh!" "No!" "Oh!" "Stop the clock!" "Dude!" "Aw, I hate this game." "I hate this game." "All right, all right, all right, we drink for five seconds." "No, you're not getting it." "In Level Two, the other team counts." "Four... five." "Awful." "No more cursing." "No more cursing." "Get in jail." "Let's go." "You might want to brush up on some of these rules while you're in there too, pal." "Yeah." "That's a good idea." "Let him read the rule book." "All right, our turn." "Ooh, I'll play." ""Physical challenge-- The Grape Gobble."" "Oh, nice." "Grape Gobble's my thing, man." "Charlie's favorite board game" " Hungry Hungry Hippos." "Ready, set, go." "Go, go, go." "Go, Charlie, go, Charlie." "Put my cage on the bar so I can see." "Shut up, dog." "Gobble, gobble, come on." "Come on, Dee, go, go, go." "And time." "Ho!" "Ho!" "That's time." "Oh, no." "It's only five." "I only got five." "Oh, sheets!" "Bed sheets!" "Yeah!" "You definitely got more than five!" "Yeah, yeah!" "I ate, like, 12!" "Wait, wait, whoa, whoa." "You're not supposed to eat them." "Th-The rule is you're supp..." "You're not supposed to eat them." "There's no way we can tell how many you..." "We win the level." "We have Big Bubble." "We get the card!" "Level three!" "Level three now!" "Wait, they're still inside me!" "I can get them out!" "Doesn't matter!" "Golden Geese!" "Golden Geese!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" "We move on to Level Three!" "I hate this game!" "I hate this game!" "Oh, now this part." "Okay." "Oh, yes." "Know this game." "Board flipping, cheating." "I'm so sick from that cake stuff." "Well, you shouldn't have even eaten it, man, 'cause the game's gonna be over in, like, a second." "They're gonna kill us." "Hold on a second." "I got a plan." "When I was in the cage, I had the books." "Save it, Frank." "There's no way we can beat them, okay?" "They are tailor-made for level three." "Last time we played, Dee got "Emotional Battery," we berated that bitch for, like, two straight hours." "I mean, really personal stuff." "Way over the line." "The kind of stuff that cuts you to the core, you know." "She held it together without a single tear." "Dude, when her two minutes were up, she cried for a month straight." "Yeah, it was really sad." "Every day, crying all day long." "She talked about taking too many pills." "I think she tried to kill herself." "She did, she did." "I saw it, but I didn't tell you about it." "Are you bitches ready for round three?" "'Cause you're going down, clowns." "Dennis, I want to tell you something." "Yeah?" "I hope I get "Emotional Battery" this time, from them, because this is why-- you guys, you always emotional batter me." "And I'm gonna, I'm fine with it." "And I don't care about it." "I'm getting good at it now." "So that's something that I hope for this game." "Okay." "Let me help you with that." "Oh, Frank." "Frank, come on!" "Okay, so I broke another rule." "Oh, you did?" "You broke a rule?" "Don't rat us out if it's a rule!" "Probably not a rule." "Let's keep playing." "It probably is a rule." "I don't think it's a rule." "I think it is." "Rule 463:" "When a player spills his or her drink, his or her team has to chug the opponent's drinks." "Oh!" "You are a terrible, terrible teammate." "I don't want to chug hard alcohol on top of all this wine." "It's like..." "No, that's okay, you don't have to do it." "You don't have to, because you guys are in Level One." "You can't even drink hard alcohol, anyway." "You're trying to trick us." "They're trying to trick us 'cause then we'll not drink it and it'll be a rule that we had to drink it." "No, no, it's fine." "No tricking us." "Hey, we're playing the game." "We're playing the game." "It's Chardee MacDennis." "This tastes like water." "This is water." "Aha!" "I knew it!" "Well..." "I knew it was water." "When he threw his beer in my face, I could taste it." "Shut up, dog!" "Cheaters!" "Yeah..." "Cheaters." "You've been cheating!" "We caught you cheating!" "Eff you in the A!" "Eff you in the A!" "Congratulations, all right?" "Fudge on crackers, all right?" "Mr. Falconing sons of birds!" "Mother fathers, you've caught us cheating for the first time in, like, 18 games." "If the team ahead gets caught cheating, then the team behind jumps to their level, which means..." "Level Three!" "Level Three!" "Level Three!" "Okay." "We've never been to Level Three before!" "I'm going to Level Three!" "I'll see you in Level Three!" "Yep, yep, yep, yep." "# The team going to Level Three We are the team going to Level Three... #" "That was the buzzer." "Oh." "The timer's never gone off before." "Well, so what does that mean?" "Wait, look that up, because you guys always win before the timer goes off, so..." "It means we have to draw the black card." "I don't remember a black card." "There's a black card?" "I don't remember." "I don't remember a black card at all." "Black-- guys, this could be some dark shit right here." "Here it is." "This is gonna be a battle to the death." "Ooh!" "Ooh, that's scary." "All right, read it." "Open it, open it, open it, open it!" "Brace yourself." "Get ready." "Here I go." "Huh?" "What..." "I don't know." "Why..." "I don't know." ""In the event of a tie, a winner must be chosen." "There can be only one." "And so it comes to this:" "Flip... a... coin."" "Flip a goddamn coin?" "That's what we came up with?" "Flip a coin." "That's lame as shit." "Oh, now I remember." "When we were writing the rules, at one point, we just got really bored, and we phoned it in." "That is so lame!" "No, it's awesome." "Think about this, Mac." "They can't out-cheat us, they can't outsmart us." "This isn't about, like, physical endurance or anything like that." "This is just up to the gods right now, Mac!" "And there's a 50-50 chance we're winning this whole thing, right now." "No." "Tails never fails." "Tails never fails!" "Tails never fails." "Frank, we're taking tails!" "All right, all right, just flip the coin." "All right." "Flip that coin." "Flip that coin!" "Flip that coin!" "Flip that coin!" "Flip that coin!" "Flip that coin!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" "Yeah!" "Ah, that felt good." "Losers."