"IJON TICHY" " SPACE PILOT The Star Diaries" "Freely produced by themes from the novel "Star diaries" by Stanislaw Lem" "I was flying on Friday, October 7th... through a constellation of total drought!" "It was hot!" "I was still on my way to the Egg planet... with a growling belly!" "It's not a good idea... to eat salt on an empty stomach, in this heat, Mr. Tichy." "Better than eating nothing, huh?" "It's your job to do what I say, not to think!" "And now I have important business to do!" "Take over the wheel!" "Mr. Tichy, I've checked almost all of the planets." "I can't find my home..." " I need to go now!" "I'm always in the way..." "Oh, there's no more water." "What?" "Unbelievable." "Why didn't you check the water tank?" "How am I supposed to go to the potty-chair?" "You drank up all the water not me, maybe you should've thought of that before!" "The bell!" "Hail to the Chief, Mighty Elron!" "Noble pilgrims, you have come in time to the constellation of draught!" "You can cleanse your soul on our planet." "Cleanse..." " It's totally Sepulken-free." "Sepulken-free..." "Sepulken-free?" "So what?" "Aren't you searching for your place in life, your smallest room?" "Smallest room..." "You there, with the receptacle..." "You look like one of Elron's Waterboys... our most respected companions." "Let yourself be assimilated!" " Assimilate!" "Assinme... what?" " How do you get assimilated?" "Look into the vortex... assimilate..." "Give us your water, stifle it!" "Who do they think they can impress with this crap?" "Assimilated, assimilated..." "Such a cheap cheating-trick?" "What kind of planet is so full of jackasses?" "I looked it up in the Cosmic Encyclopedia." "It said that this planet was a desert... with no water." "The rocket made a nosedive." "Directly into the cosmic light-swirl!" "You furry rat!" "Mel-fellow!" "What're you doing?" "Come out of there!" "Mel-fellow, you stinky mutt." "Open the door!" "Assimilate, assimilate!" "Are you cuckoo?" "You let these jackasses into our rocket?" "I am home..." " What?" "Home?" "Get over here, buddy-boy!" "Look outside, water everywhere, and you're water-shy!" "I was shocked." "This planet was not full of deserts, it was full of wet water!" "Home..." "Home, home!" " Mel!" "SEPULKEN PROHIBITED!" "See?" "He was unhappy... and open to this kind of thing because you treated him badly." "Where is your water?" " What?" "We need water to serve Elron." "I don't have any wet-water!" "I have another problem..." "I need to go to the potty-chair!" "Oh no, he's still awake, he didn't look into the vortex." "He wants to besmirch the waters of Elron, the greatest sin on Aquarius!" "You're arrested." "Off we go to Admiral Lurch." "What about Mel?" "Beware, a sinner!" "He needs to go." " I'll stifle it." "And you make sure this woman doesn't destroy anything." "SEPULKEN PROHIBITED!" "This planet was strangely weird." "It seemed hypnotized people brought their water to this planet... and then they were sent to find new people - to bring more water." "And all for some Mighty Chief Elron, but why?" "There's the potty-chair." "I need to go!" "No." "That's not a toilet." "Stop." "It's forbidden!" "So buddy-boy, you'd better seal that mail slot if you don't want to drown!" "I'll stifle it..." "Don't you even care?" "Wake up!" "I'll stifle it, Mighty Chief Elron." "Well then, let's try not to destroy anything." "Assimilated, assimilated." "I had to go the potty chair so bad!" "Maybe if I went, quietly... in the water..." "No one would notice." "I'll stifle it, I'll stifle it..." "All Elron..." "Hail thingy..." "But it's hard to go when someone's watching!" "Then I saw another potty-chair." "But it was also off-limits." "No one here was allowed to go to the potty-chair." "Why?" "Greetings young tadpole." "Did you have a pleasant assimilation?" "Yes, very pleasant!" "Sepulken?" " No, sepulken-free!" "Good, thanks for your valuable water." "Go forth and assimilate new donors." "Thank you!" "Very pleasant." "Where's your flying fish?" "I don't have my own spaceship." "I'd rather stay here at home." "Ok, then you can be a watering tadpole in the nest." "An important job in the swarm!" "Did you have a pleasant assimilation?" "Sepulken?" " Sepulke?" "Nah!" "What kind of question is that?" "I'm Ijon Tichy!" "Sepulken..." "Good, welcome to Aquarius, brother." "Thank you for the valuable water." "What does the word..." ""Sepulken" mean?" "Sepulken-alarm!" "Sepulken-alarm!" "Get him!" "Beware!" "A sepulker!" "Stifle it!" "I'll stifle it, Great Elron!" "Behind the house..." "I saw a funnel pipe... with all the stolen wet-water going to the tower." "I'll stifle it..." "Obviously this mighty Elron-Chief sat in that blinky tower." "What did I care?" "Stifle it!" "Stifle..." "He's still awake!" "Good-Elron to you..." " Get him!" "Take him to Admiral Lurch!" "He needs to be blocked!" "Come with us!" "Keep your grabby-paws off me!" "You worthless tadpole wanted to besmirch the Holy Waters of Elron!" "That means you didn't look into the vortex and are still awake!" "Now I'll put you into a state from which you, like all of us... will never need to discharge again." "Hey, Fresh-fish!" "Bring the Mobile-hypnotizer." "I'm gonna block this tadpole!" "The Hypnotizator, Admiral Lurch." "Block him, the traitor..." "Mel-Fellow!" "Are you a gaga head?" " Be silent, you worthless tadpole." "I'm a respected member of this swarm." "This is my home." "Good!" "Let's hypnotize you!" "Stifle it..." "Stifle it." "Stifle it!" "Holy crap!" "How dare you!" "Dammit!" "He's still awake." "This is how a decent hypnosis is supposed to work..." "I'll hold back..." "Yippee-ki-yay, fishsucker!" "Enough!" "Hail Chief crap!" "I'm not the scoundrel;" "it's the Elron Chief thingamajig!" "And now..." "I really need to go to the potty chair!" " He still needs to go." "There's only one thing left:" "The Worst Case Hypnosis Machine:" "WC Urinella." "WC Urinella..." "You're discharged!" "You're discharged!" "Move it!" "You're discharged!" "Move it!" "No one has ever outsmarted Worst Case Urinella yet!" "Please... after I've been hypnotized... can I go to the potty chair somewhere?" "Move it!" "You idiot!" "Discharge..." "Mel?" "What... are you doing?" "So, that's how it is..." "I get it." "Mel, watch out!" "Behind you!" "No!" "We've got you, you worthless tadpole!" "Oh great!" "You worthless tadpole, now you'll be blocked and beholden... like we all, for the great Elron." "No one has ever outlasted W.C. Urinella!" "Look into the vortex!" "Fresh-fish Mel, activate complete blockage of this disciple." "Mel?" "Mel!" "Oh, another one, drowned again!" "Stifle it!" "Stifle it!" "Why did this WC hypnosis-machine have to look like a huge piss pot?" "I couldn't stifle it any longer!" "Look in the vortex!" "Block yourself." "I give up!" "I'll assinsimmate." "Look away!" "No!" "No!" "I've had enough." "You're a hopeless case!" "I was now in a dry cell, the only nice and dry place on this whole planet... as punishment..." "Although, it did smell a little of wet dog." "So what?" "I was finally alone..." "Mr. Tichy!" " Mel-fellow." "What're you doing here?" "I was arrested 'cause I broke the supreme commandment." "What did you do?" " Well, I sepulked, you know." "I don't know. "Sepulked"?" "Was does that even mean?" "I did a... wee-wee!" "Dammit, I pissed in the water!" "So that's "sepulke"?" " Yes!" "You're not allowed to go in the wet water!" "It woke me up out of the hypnosis!" "So that's how you snap out of it?" " Yes." "Now I get it!" "That's why they have that sign." "Well..." "Come on." "Yes, no!" "Mr. Tichy, I can't." "I'm scared of the water!" "Don't scold me again!" "Hurry up!" "Let's cut them off." "They're trying to escape!" "Faster!" "Hey, put the rocket in reverse." "I'm getting wet." "I'm being cleansed!" "Come on, hurry up!" "And how do you feel?" " How do you think I feel?" "Marvellous, of course." " Then it worked!" "I'm in a great mood." "Let's attack!" "Over there!" "Faster!" "Fire!" "Let's go see what's up... with Elron." "I'm scared." "I did it in the holy water and that's forbidden." "There must be a reason for that." "I feel like a fish in the water." "The universe's drying up." "And I am getting wetter." "Sepulken-free and wet water." "Hey, servant-tadpole!" " Your wish, great Elron?" "What's going on with that unblockable Sepulker who's still awake?" "Fear not, great Elron." "He is being dried out in a cell." "There is no more Sepulken danger!" "Are you sure?" " Very sure, great Elron, very sure." "Have you seen my back-scratcher?" " Yes, great Elron, it's down there!" "I feel like a fish in water..." "No, no." "The Sepulker!" "A fat fish?" " Hold back!" "Enough shenanigans." "I've blown your cover, you fishy fraud!" "Now I realized why sepulking was forbidden." "This was one foul-fish, who wanted a nice life, with pilfered water." "Please don't sepulken, it stings my eyes!" "No, not the microphone." "Please don't squeal on me!" "Hey, you there!" "The sepulker, get him, go!" "Go on, catch him!" "He's awake and he wants to sepulk!" "You're not going to do that to me, are you?" "Hey, are you gonna let a big fat fish... make dumb-twits out of you?" "I'll stifle it, great Elron." "I'll stifle it." " Enough!" "I'm not Elron, that's Elron." "A liar and a cheat." "He just wants to steal your wet-water." "You're not dumb as doornails, are you?" "Which one of them is the Holy Elron?" "There is no holy moley here, and also no magic miracles!" "Look, Elron is performing a miracle." "He's walking on water!" "A miracle!" "A great miracle, Great Elron!" "Hey stop it." "No magic miracle here." "It's just me:" "Ijon Tichy!" "We are unworthy." "Hail to the Chief, Ijon Tichy!" "A planet full of jackasses!" "But at least now they had their backs to me... so I grabbed my chance!" "It stings my eyes!" "Mel-fellow, come here!" "You dumb-asses, hey!" "It's me..." "Elron Tichy." "And I say, from now on... sepulking is allowed!" "He allowed sepulking." " What?" "No!" "Where am I?" "I must have been dreaming..." "Get out!" "Let's hear the emissary!" "What do we do now?" "How should I know." "Let us build a fish sticks factory!" "A fish sticks factory!" "Later, people said I made the whole thing up." "Nasty people said that I secretly drank too much alcohol on earth... but lost all inhibitions on long space voyages." "God knows how this rumor got started." "People are like that." "They'd rather believe a bunch of silly crap than perfectly good facts." "Oh, by the way, I filled up our water tank before we left Aquarius." "But I can't figure out... what the word "Sepulken" means?"