"NARRATOR:" "From the darkness of space comes a hero the righter of wrongs a hero named Xero." "With the tip of his blade, a deep X he has made, the mark that stands for Xero." "When evil tyrants steal, with the sword, they must deal." "This sword belongs to Xero." "[PEOPLE LAUGHING]" "The mark that stands for Xero is his claim to fame because he can't even spell his own name." "MAN:" "We must put an end to this, Sergeant Vasquez." "This El Xero character is putting unhealthy ideas into the heads of those peasants." "If this keeps up, not only will we not be able to collect taxes but we'll have a full-fledged uprising on our hands." "But who could this masked El Xero be?" "Comandante Hilgalgo, I've been pondering that very question." "The first El Xero sightings began shortly after that emissary from the Galactic Protectorate arrived." "[DOOR OPENS]" "Good morrow, gentle kinsmen." "Ah, Captain Dodgers, it is a pleasure to see you." "And you, comandante." "Of course, you know my deaf-mute manservant Carstairs." "Hello." "I thought you said he was deaf and mute." "You see, he, um-- You know, it's just that I'm" "I'm a ventriloquist." "So tell me, Billy, how do you like school?" "Uh, closed." "[LAUGHING]" "Oh, dear." "Closed." "Ha, ha, ha." "Thank you." "[LAUGHING]" "A word with you, comandante." "Excuse me, gentlemen." "It just slipped out." "Look, don't mess this up." "We've got him completely fooled." "I know." "But what's with all these costumed capers?" "You know that as a Protectorate captain I can't officially interfere with a less advanced planet." "But I look out and see the suffering of the peasants, and my soul is touched." "Give me your tired, your poor, your wretched garbage yearning to drink tea, to be born free as free as the wind blows, as free as the cock crows with liberty and justice for most." "And besides, it's fun." "[CHUCKLING]" "Closed." "How witty." "Sir, back to the El Xero thing." "I believe he and Duck Dodgers are one and the same." "Ridiculous." "Whatever gave you that idea?" "Well, they are both the same size same black feathers, same orange beak." "They both have a lisp and all that spit spray." "They are both ducks." "And I could go on, except I'm growing short of fingers." "Ahem." "A problem, gentlemen?" "Pay no attention to Sergeant Vasquez." "He's fat." "So, Captain Dodgers, have you given any more thought to my request?" "I have taken the matter under advisement." "The things I could do with more advanced weapons." "It would make ruling this planet much easier." "Oh, I'm sure it would but the Protectorate frowns on providing weapons to less advanced civilizations." "Please, comandante, isn't it obvious?" " What?" " He is El Xero." "[LAUGHING]" "Oh, that's rich." "[HILGALGO CONTINUES LAUGHING]" "Senor Dodgers, you must help us." "Our people suffer under the boot of Hilgalgo." "Such harsh talk from such a delicate face." "HILGALGO:" "Captain Dodgers." " You forgot your hankie." " Thanks." "These things are more expensive than you'd think." "This is the man who's made misery of our lives." "Such harsh words from such a delicate face." "He already used that." "Have you nothing to say?" "Have you seen this one, my dear?" "All flash and no substance." " Sergeant, take the senorita into custody." " Guards!" "You will never get away with this." "HILGALGO:" "It appears, my dear I already have." "[CHUCKLING]" "DODGERS:" "Hey, hey, hey, wait a second." "Just exactly what's going on here?" "Well, you see, I'm scheduling a little hanging for the young lady I just arrested." "When El Xero hears of it, he'll come to her rescue." "Then I'll take care of him." "The comandante will take care of him." "Thanks, I think I got it." "No problem." "I majored in exposition in college." "Sir, it is time." "And I am ready." "It's gotten a little drafty over here." "And the view from over here stinks." "At least this will make your costume change a little easier." "Excuse me, I'm here to bring comfort and solace to the condemned." "GUARD:" "Go right in, Padre." "Huh." "A pig." "And I thought only a chicken could be a friar." "Comandante, the hour grows late and there is still no sign of El Xero." "Fear not." "I'm sure he's riding to the rescue at this very moment." "[MACHINERY CLANKING]" "This is the last time I buy a mustang." "The sun sets." "[KEYS JANGLE AND LOCK CLICKS]" "Don't be afraid, my child." "El Xero is on his way." "What do you know of such things, Padre?" "It is I." "Comandante, we are losing light." "Yes." "What say we fire up some torches?" "That will give us more dramatic illumination." "Got any nines?" "Eh, go fish." "[TOOL BANGING]" "Why does everything have to be off warranty?" "[ENGINE POWERING UP]" "Auto Shop 101, excessive force." "[HORSE NEIGHS]" "[GRUNTING]" "[SCREAMS]" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "I said, whoa!" "[ENGINE SPLUTTERS]" "For a second there, I thought this was gonna end in a hideous crash with a horrible explosion." "Hey, Trigger, giddyap." "Come on, Black Beauty." "Tsk, tsk." "I'll give you a lump of sugar." "How about a man-sized churro?" "Maybe he has forgotten us." "DODGERS:" "A Philly, extra cheese?" "Comandante, El Xero is very late." "The crowd grows restless." "Yes, but you must admit, the lighting is more dramatic." "We must give the crowd something quick or we'll lose them." "I'm pretty sure El Xero has arrived." "[CLAMORING]" "Showtime." "Good thing this extra-large cape doubles as a parachute." "[WATER SPLASHES]" "Watch out." "El Xero is very cunning." "He could be anywhere." "Well, not anywhere, I guess." "There's no reason he'd be at the bottom of this well unless he were a complete dolt, an idiot but he's not." "He's a worthy adversary." "XERO:" "Man, my shorts really rode up." "Now to rescue the beautiful senorita." "[GRUNTING]" "Hey." "Aha." "[YELLING]" "Roberto, Miguel." "Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound." "Perhaps I underestimated the damage a bit." "That's not the only thing you underestimated when you chose to tangle with El Xero." "[GASPS]" "The mark of El Xero." "Yeah, sure looks like it." "Thanks." "Now I can get Theresa to a safe place." "You're all substance, no flash." "Hey, fellas, wait up." "GUARD:" "Look." "El Xero." "Hey." "Ha." "You and I shall become as one as we make our escape." " Yow!" " Close the gate." "Taffeta and silk for the well-dressed robot." "GUARD:" "Say, this is really soft, but I can't see." "Somebody help me!" "Help, please!" "[GRUNTING]" "My hat's off to you, gentlemen." "A little trick I learned from Oddball." "Oddball?" "[GRUNTING]" "I could watch robots blow up all day long." "Another successful escape for El Xero." "I don't know if I would go that far." "Time for the climactic swordfight?" "How perceptive." "Then let's have at it, villain." "[GRUNTING]" "Huh?" "Excuse me whilst I retrieve my wayward weapon." "Let's just watch the rough stuff, bub." "I think you gave me a boo-boo on my pinky." "Enough." "You fight well, but not well enough to defeat me." "Even if I fail, the peasants will rise up and overthrow your evil empire." "The peasants are weak and will do whatever I tell them." "Wrong again." "Lo, the proletariat rises to thwart the evil oppressor." "You win, Xero." "Have you seen this one, comandante?" " Duck Dodgers." " Told you." " How about this one?" " Curses." "Captain Dodgers, Captain Dodgers, that was great." "'Twas nothing." "So where's your huddled masses yearning to breathe free?" "They got bored and went home to watch a rerun of Dragonball." "So I'm made a reasonable facsimile in shadow puppets." "Well, that gives me an idea." "In order to fill the power vacuum, we'll have to install a government." " Oh, yeah?" " A puppet government." " All right?" " [IN SPANISH ACCENT] It's all right." "Wow." "Two full days of gorgeous golf at the Tiger Woods planet of rest and relaxation." "This is gonna be the game of a lifetime." "And check out my fancy new duds." "New shoes a new moisture-wicking golf shirt and these new derriere-slimming slacks." "I got all the best new equipment." " We noticed." " We noticed." "Heh, heh, heh." "Vintage is nice, but how about my hi-tech putter?" "It's the Mind You Flex Ez, totally state-of-the-art." "It broadcasts waves of sonic energy allowing me to control the ball even after I hit it." "Isn't that cheating?" "I prefer the term "technologically enhanced."" "It seems like cheating to me." "Maybe that's why you're wearing the stupid outfit." "[THUNDER CRASHING]" "[WIND WHISTLING]" "[SHIP POWERING DOWN]" "[SCREAMS]" " What was that?" "!" " Perhaps a spatial anomaly." "No way." "It's a ghost." "My ship is haunted." "But, Captain Dodgers, there's no such thing as a gho" " Poltergeist." "I will have you know that certain members of the Dodgers family are born with a gift." "Just what are you getting at, Dodgers?" "I can communicate with the dead." "[THUNDER CRASHING]" "Whoa." "Was that lightning inside a spaceship?" "We better check this out." "CADET:" "Why are we in the basement?" " Because it's the spookiest part of the ship." "Stay close, boys." "We don't wanna be separated by the spirits." "I don't believe in spirits." "Me neither." "This ghost business, it's pure hokum." "It's silly nonsense." "It's silly, juvenile nonsense." "Right you are, my boy." "A sure sign of an infantile mind." "Yeah, for babies." "Little girlie babies, heh." "Crying to their mamas, "We're so scared."" ""Save us, Mommy, from the scary ghosts."" "Hold up." "I think this is the place." "I feel a cold spot." " What are you doing, captain?" " Well, I'm trying to bring out the ghosts." "They're attracted to the shimmering light." "Then I drop in the bait, wait till the hook is sunk and reel those puppies in." "That sounds more like fishing to me." "Oh, do you like to fish too?" "Yes, but I thought we were hunting ghosts." "Ghosts, is it?" "I'll let you in on a little secret." " I have a special gift." " I believe you mentioned that." "The best way to flush out a poltergeist is with this." "That's just an old instant camera." "Deceptively simple but essential for spirit photography." "I just snap a picture like so and wait a few seconds for it to develop and behold, the ectoplasmic entity." " That's your thumb." " Hmm." "How's about this one?" "Thumb." "Well, Chubby, take a look at these." "Thumb, camera strap, thumb thumb, thumb lens cap, eyeball, thumb." "Eh." "That's for an article I'm doing in a respected medical journal." "Um, this one's of a banana." "Wow." "Where would a banana come from?" "Mm." "Mm, mm, mm." "What are you doing?" "Well, if you must know, I have a potassium deficiency." "Bananas are loaded with potassium." "Now I know why he never comes on these adventures." "zounds!" "Potassium deficiency is responsible for fatigue, constipation insomnia, gas pains, and low blood sugar." "Odds bodkins." "Captain, what is it?" "Behold a relic left behind by those who have shed their material form." " Oh, dear." " You doubted my powers, didn't you?" "But now the great unknown is staring you right in the puss." "How foolish and small-minded you were." "That goes for you too, banana fiend." "I have a medical condition." "Two weeks ago, this cup was filled to the brim with coffee." "Now look at it." "The coffee probably just evaporated." "And whatever's left has turned to mold." "Mold?" "Hmm." "Yuck." "Ech." "[RUMBLING]" "Unbelievers." "Captain Dodgers, where are you?" "[GASPS]" "Step forward." "The great Duckini knows all, sees all." "I will be a bridge to the other side." "My crystal will allow me to peer beyond the veil." "Speak to me, oh, disembodied souls." "The departed draw nearer." "I think he's in a trance." "I am in a trance." "I am your living conduit to the other side." "The entities are beginning to speak." "Aha!" "Did one of you have a grandfather?" "Yes." "Yes, I had a grandfather." "And was your grandfather, by any chance, a man?" " He was indeed." " Hmm." "I'm getting something with a P, a P word." "Pam, Pat, Pen" "Did your grandfather ever wear pants?" "Oh, my, you're freaking me out." "Now, we haven't arranged any of this in advance, have we?" "I've never met this duck before in my life." "This is ridicu--Just plain stupid." "[METALLIC CREAKING]" "Egads, the wail of the banshee." "Here, stuff your mouth with garlic." "Anybody got any thread to sew his lips shut?" "That's coming from the engine room." "The atomic coupler must have come uncoupled." "If we don't fix that thing fast, the whole ship will explode." "How far apart do you think that coupler's separated?" "Oh, I'd say about an inch and a half." "This should fit just fine." "CADET:" "The conductive properties of this golf ball should complete the open circuit and restore the atomic power coupler." "All you have to do is use your Mind You Flex Ez to sink a putt that winds through the machinery..." " ...that runs beneath this open grate." " Okay." "But that won't soothe the savage fury of the paranormal." "Let's just give it a try, okay?" "DODGERS:" "Sure, whatever." "[GRUNTING]" "You can do it, Dodgers." "[METALLIC CREAKING]" " Any chance we can escape in the shuttle?" " Never make it in time." "[RUMBLING]" "Then again, I lettered in track in high school." "Abandon ship!" "I almost got it." "[GRUNTING]" "Oh, man, it's stuck." "I guess we're dead." "GHOST:" "Been there, done that." "You're the gh" "[STAMMERING]" "[WHISTLING]" "You're the gh" "You're the gho--Gho--Gho" "Boo!" "The ghost!" "[CACKLING]" "Be gone, foul spirit!" "Boo!" "[SCREAMING]" "Keep away, you freaky phantom!" "[SCREAMS]" "We'll never make it." "[POWERING UP]" "Wait, he did it." "He saved the ship." "I never had a doubt, I.Q." "Duck Dodgers is the bravest space captain I know." "[DODGERS SCREAMING]" "Save me!" "And that's the last we'll hear of this haunted ship." "That's right, because there's no such things as ghosts." "That's what you think, Buster." "[LAUGHING]" "[English" " US" "SDH]"