"Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but we are closing in five minutes." "This way, please." "Smart?" " Maxwell Smart?" " Yes, is that you, Mason?" " Yeah." " Here, take this." "I'm sorry, I can't chew gum." "Just had a tooth filled this morning." "This isn't gum, it's microfilm." "I don't know." "I'll have to check with my dentist." "Don't be ridiculous." "This won't hurt you." "As a matter of fact," " it's good for your teeth." " Are you sure?" "Positive." "Here, look at what it says on the label." ""Approved by the American Dental Association."" "Well, that's different." "Why such elaborate precautions?" "In case you're captured, we don't want the microfilm to fall into the wrong mouth." " Now get going and make the delivery." " Right." "( phone buzzes )" "Yes?" "Larrabee:" "Chief, there's an important call" " for you on line 4." " Thank you, Larrabee." " Larrabee." " Yes, Chief?" " You're on line 4." " I know and, boy, is it important." "I'd like to hear what it is." "I thought you would." "Max is calling you from Egypt on line 2." " Thank you." " For what?" " For telling me about it." " Just doing my job, Chief." " Yes?" " Hello, Chief." "Max." "I just gave Mason the microfilm." "What a relief." "The way KAOS has been intercepting our agents lately, I was afraid you'd never get through." "Everything went like clockwork." "Incidentally, that Mason is a real swell agent." "She ought to be." "She's been with Overseas CONTROL for eight years." ""She"?" "Yes, Stella Mason." "She used to be married to Harley Mason of the CIA." "They got a divorce." "She certainly fooled me with that mustache and beard." "Max, Stella Mason never wears disguises." "She doesn't?" "Oh." "Well, in that case I can understand why her marriage broke up." "( theme music playing )" "( sighs )" "Ow." " Good morning, Chief." " Morning, 99." " Any word from Max?" " He's flying home." " That's good news." " He failed his mission." "That's bad news." "Chief, can I talk to you about an assignment?" " Certainly, 99." "Sit down." " Thank you." " How's it going?" " How's what going?" " Your assignment." " I don't have one." "That what I wanted to talk to you about." " Oh." " Chief, you stopped sending me on dangerous assignments as soon as you found out that Max and I were going to become parents." "Precautionary measures, 99." "Well, I can understand that." "I can also understand your relegating me to elementary courier duty." "But the twins are six months old now and I'm still doing unimportant courier work." " There's a reason for that, 99." " What is it?" "When you live with someone like Max for as long as you have some of the characteristics of one person start to rub off on the other." "We all know that Max isn't exactly agile on his feet." "I mean, he's-- well..." "I know what you mean." "He is, uh..." "Well, you know we all love and adore Max, but there's no denying he's very, uh..." "And we accept the fact that he's, uh... there's just no getting around it." "There's not even a word for it." " Do you follow me?" " Huh?" "Now you see what you just did?" "Max's influence is showing on you already." "You're starting to take up some of his mannerisms." "Are you saying that I'm picking up Max's habits?" " Yes, I am." " Now that's ridiculous, Chief." "Oh, sorry about that." "99:" "Honey, would you like some more coffee?" " Huh?" " I said..." " would you like some more coffee?" " No thanks, 99." "As a matter of fact, I think this shirt is going to be up all night as it is." "Here, I'll help you get it cleaned up in a jiffy." "Max, do you notice a change in me?" "I mean, do I seem to be getting clumsier and clumsier every day?" "Clumsy?" "Why do you say that?" "Because you drop a few things now and then doesn't mean anything." "Something the Chief said today bothers me." "What did he say?" "He said I'm getting more and more like you every day." " Oh, really?" "In what way?" " Like right now." " You're leaning on the table, right?" " Right." "Actually, you're leaning in the lemon meringue pie." " Go on." " ( knocks on door )" "I'll get it." " Oh hi, Chief." " Hello, Ma" "Sorry about that, Chief." " What's new?" " This suit was, until I walked in." "He did it." "Did you want to see me about something, Chief?" "No." "Actually, Max, I wanted to speak to 99." "99, I've been thinking about what I said this morning and what you said and I've come to the conclusion that you're absolutely right." "You're much too good an agent and too vital to CONTROL not to be given some of our more important cases." "Oh, Chief, I can't tell you how marvelous that makes me feel." "Well, it's almost 10:30." " Max, do you have a radio?" " You don't need a radio, Chief," "I can tell you what time it is." "It's almost 10:30." "I know what time it is." "Do you have a radio?" "Oh." "I want you both to listen to something." "Man on radio: ...falling hundreds of feet into the inky blackness." "Thus in his quest for the unattainable, van Borg's lust ultimately led to his death." "Van Borg fell into the very cave he was searching for, never to see the light of day again." "( organ music playing )" "You have just heard the classic tale" ""Van Borg and the Lost Cave,"" "directed by Hannibal Day, produced by Hannibal Day and starring Hannibal Day." "This has been your announcer, Frank Ogg." "This program is broadcast to our armed forces overseas." " ( radio clicks )" " And also to KAOS." "What do you mean, Chief?" "KAOS is using the Hannibal Day program to send messages to their agents all over the world." "You mean that's how they knew Max was on a mission to Cairo?" "Exactly." "Our only problem is we don't know how they're doing it." "A code in the script?" "Sound effects?" "The organ music?" "We just don't know how." " What do you want me to do?" " 99, I've arranged for you to go to work as Hannibal Day's secretary effective immediately." "Oh, Chief, I can't tell you how much I appreciate this opportunity to get back into action." "And to justify your faith in me," "I want you to know that nothing, I mean absolutely nothing, will stand in the way of a successful mission!" " I'll get on it immediately." " ( pie squishes )" "As soon as I wash my hands." " ( playing slide whistle ) - ( clears throat )" "Mi mi mi mi mi." "( deep voice ) "Yes, it's time for radio's greatest actor, producer, director and writer-- the incomparable Hannibal Day, and tonight's classic thriller," "'Death in the Cemetery."'" "Are your cues all marked?" "Yeah, I'm just getting the last of them now." "Good." "Uh, Mr. Day?" "No, I'm his sound engineer, Roger Hammerstein." "Oh." "Well, I'm Mr. Day's new secretary." "Oh, welcome." "I, um..." " I hope you enjoy your week with us." " Week?" "We have a rather generous turnover here." "I have seniority right now." "I've been here three weeks." "Oh, how nice for you-- I mean, to have all that security." "Uh, the great man cometh." "Good afternoon, Mr. Day." "The script is a little long." "Mine isn't." " Miss Hickenlooper." " Oh." "Yes, Mr. Day?" "You played a major seventh chord in our closing theme last night." "Oh, it was a hangnail, Mr. Day." "I promise it won't happen again." "It had better not." "We still have those Gaylord Carter albums, you know." " Who is it?" " Hannibal Day." "Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Day." "I didn't hear you come in." "For a sound-effects man, Vasquez, you have a rather pitiful affliction." " What?" " You don't hear very well, do you?" "What?" "Mr. Day, I'd like you to meet your new secretary." " How do you do?" " Does she have a name?" " Helen Blake." " You sound like a soap opera." " Has she met everyone, Roger?" " No, she just got here." "Everyone, this is Helen Blake, my new secretary." "Roger Hammerstein you've met." "This is our organist Naomi Hickenlooper," " Frank Ogg, our announcer..." " Hello." "...Windy Vasquez, our sound effects man." "What?" "Welcome to our happy family." "( gasps )" "No no no no!" "At the conclusion of my soliloquy" "I must have absolute silence!" "I want my words to penetrate." "Miss Hickenlooper, in this part of the script, where does it indicate music?" " I didn't play any music." " Well, I heard something." " ( shoes squeaking )" " What was it?" "Day:" "Hmm." "New shoes." "Well, why don't you get them fixed?" "( squeaking )" " Who" " My name is Cochran." "I'm with the FCC." "You are a CONTROL agent, aren't you?" "( whispering ) Is this some kind of joke, Mr. Vasquez?" "I'm Cochran of the Federal Communications Commission." "You must believe me!" "I'm not really hard of hearing." "What?" "Speak a little louder." "I pretended to be hard of hearing so I could pick up some information." " I know who the KAOS agent is." " Who?" "What?" "Talk a little louder." " Who's the KAOS agent?" " You'd never guess it." "Vasquez, wherever you are, there's supposed to be a gunshot here!" "Be right there, Mr. Day!" " See you later." " Quick!" "Tell me who the KAOS agent is." "Meet me in the sound booth after the rehearsal." "All right, let's take scene 14 3/4 of the way down page 11." "Miss Hickenlooper, I will cue you." "Vasquez, we will begin with footsteps walking on gravel." "Ready?" "!" "Now wait for your cues, everyone!" ""It was a soft spring night as I walked along the trestle."" "( footsteps on gravel )" " ( electricity crackles ) - ( Vasquez screams )" "Vasquez is dead." "Shall I play something?" "( gasps ) What happened?" "There's been an accident, Miss Blake." "I think you'd better call the police." " Oh no." " How did it happen?" "Windy was supposed to jump in this box and make a sound like someone walking on a trestle, but somebody wired the box and filled it with water." "Windy was electrocuted." "There, 99, does that make any sense to you?" "No, Chief, but it's so strangely worded, I agree with you." "There must be a code in there somewhere." "Well, this is Cochran's script and that paragraph was circled in the script, which is probably why he was murdered." "If there is a KAOS message in there, we've got to find the code and break it." "Too bad that's not a crossword puzzle." "I'm good at those." "You are, huh?" "What's a six-letter word meaning "a boarded-up house"?" " "Shut up"?" " Please." "Now let's try the science of cryptography." "Supposing we use the first word in each sentence?" ""Please... nobody... stock."" "Try the second word, Chief." "All right." ""Please... to..." "your... nature"" "No, that doesn't make any sense either." "Look at the fourth word in the first sentence." " "CONTROL"?" " 99:" "Could that refer to us?" "Well, let's try it." "Let's see." "That's the fourth word." "Let's underline that and every fourth word." "99: "CONTROL..." "will... destroy... kay... us" " " KAOS!" ""Head... quarters... stock... home"?" "Stockholm, Sweden!" ""Tomorrow"!" "( sighs ) So they know about the raid." "But if this paragraph is read over the air tonight," " KAOS will be alerted!" " All right, 99, we'll make a subtle change in the wording, just enough to throw KAOS off." "Chief:" "But that radio show must go on tonight as planned." " Right, Chief." " Now if we could just find out who wrote this script, we'd find Cochran's killer!" ""Closed"!" " What?" " "Closed."" "That's also a six-letter word meaning "a boarded up house."" "Oh, I'm late." "Am I in trouble?" "Of course, but so am I. So is everyone." " With the police?" "!" " No, with Hannibal Day." "He's not too happy with tonight's show." "Oh, I don't understand that at all." "I read that script and I think it's beautifully constructed and very sensitive." "As a matter of fact, I would love to meet that author so I could tell him that myself." "Well, here's your chance." "Ah." "There you are, Miss Blake." "How pleasant to see your smiling face again." "Tell me, did you get those notes?" "Uh, what notes are those, Mr. Day?" "The notes I've been trying to give you for the past two hours." "We'll discuss your short career in radio later." "At the moment, I'm in dire need of a woman screaming on tonight's show." " Can you scream?" " Well, I'll certainly give it a try." "( clears throat )" "( screams )" "Oh, that was splendid." "Can you do that again?" "Well, if you can have that mouse run across the floor again." "We're on the air in two minutes." "So we are." "Miss Blake, come with me." "I'll show you where to stand, and when the time comes I'll tell you when to scream." "Mr. Day, I just adore your script." "I understand that you wrote it." "There's someone here you'd better meet" "Vasquez's replacement." "The union sent him over." "( horn honking )" " Tut" " Tuttle!" " Huh?" "It must be an occupational hazard." "None of them hear well." "This is my former secretary Helen Trent." "Blake." "Max, I didn't know you were backing me up." "Well, after Cochran was murdered, the Chief felt that it was too dangerous for you to handle alone." "Day:" "Miss Blake!" "15 seconds to airtime." "Max, Hannibal Day wrote the script." "He did?" "I just read it." "It's terrible." "Max, he's a murderer." "Oh." "Well, I knew he wasn't a writer." "( clearing throat )" "Hello, out there in radioland." "This is Hannibal Day." ""Yes, it's time for radio's greatest actor, producer, director and writer, the incomparable Hannibal Day." "And tonight's classic thriller..." "'Death in the Cemetery."'" "My name is Spinozo." "The name should sound familiar to you." "I'm the man who lived twice." "It all began the night I died." "It was 3:00 in the morning when the doorbell rang." "I would have gone right back to sleep except the knocking on the door continued." "( ringing )" "I finally had to get out of bed because the caller was so insistent." "( buzzing )" "It was then I realized that there were two callers:" "one ringing at the front door and one knocking at the back." "( buzzes )" "( whirrs )" "I think the place was surrounded." "And then it started to rain." "My first mistake was to stand and fight rather than run." "I" " I knew I was surrounded and to engage in battle would prove fatal." "That's when I picked up the knife" " and threw it!" " ( gunshot )" "Luckily, the knife hit a gun lying on the floor and the gun fired once... twice, maybe more." "Then I ran for the door... ( hooves galloping )" "...on my horse." "But I wasn't sure if it would open or not." "( rattling )" "Just what I thought-- the door was hopelessly stuck." " ( door squeaks )" " But only for a minute." "If it hadn't been for the landlady," "I might never have been saved." " Call it fate..." " ( clattering ) ...that caused me to fall through the trapdoor, call it what you will, her scream filled the night!" "( gasps, screams )" "( thuds )" "Due to technical difficulties beyond our control this half-hour program is only 20 minutes long tonight." "( organ music playing )" "Hammerstein!" "Tuttle, you shot my engineer." "The name is Smart-- Maxwell Smart." "I'm an agent of CONTROL, and this is my wife, Mrs. Maxwell Smart." " Your wife?" " I'm also a CONTROL agent." "You mean you've been moonlighting as my secretary?" "Not exactly." "You see, I'm on assignment." "I was sent here to uncover a KAOS agent." "And that's him." "He can't be a KAOS agent, he's too good a writer." "You said you thought the script was great." "Then you didn't write it?" "I... take credit for it, but Hammerstein there was the real author." "Then he got what was coming to him." "And it proves that Hammerstein is the KAOS agent who's been transmitting coded messages overseas." "One thing puzzles me, Tuttle-- or Smart or whatever your name is-- you shot him with a sound-effects pistol." "They're supposed to fire blanks." "That's right, Max." "When did you find out that the pistol fires real bullets?" "Perhaps I can explain, 99." "When Max first picked up the gun during the show and was firing all over the place," "I was behind a curtain." "( theme music playing )"