"Look at this guy." "You know, he wanders off, and you wonder why." "He's gonna get eaten in about three seconds." "You know, that's part of the whole..." " The whole..." " The cycle of nature?" " Yeah, there you go." " Yeah." "Just once I would love to see, you know, the roles reversed." "The wildebeest that strays from the pack..." "He's rewarded in some way by the lion." " Instead of eaten?" " Yeah." "That would be the right thing, dad, but the world doesn't operate according to your crazy rules." "The wildebeest eats things too." "They don't show that." "Yeah, but the wildebeest is a plant-eating animal." "Yeah, but they don't show that, all those plants get eaten." "Yeah." "That's my problem with nature, is that there's not fair play." "I hate to keep coming back to the wildebeest." "What does it have on its side?" "It's edible." "You know, that's all it has going for it." "It's really yummy." "Well, dad, you know, maybe you could go to your room." "You have a TV in there, go watch it." "Not that the wildebeest can't hold my attention for a while, but I just worry that there's so much else on right now." "Like?" "Well, we could just change the channel one way or the other and there's gonna be a great show." "I'm not ready to take that chance." "Come with me, dad, on my journey." "Go ahead." "Look at that." "Holy moly, it's another wildebeest show!" "All right, maybe I was mistaken." " Hi, Laura." " Hi." "Is Dr. Katz ready?" "Uh, no, he's not." "Okay, are you having a good day?" "Could you sit over there?" "You know, bossy pants, maybe this isn't the best job for you, working with people all the time." "What do you mean, you're in denial about being in therapy?" "I've just convinced myself that there's a friend that I see once a week, and then I lend him $150." "Hmm." "When my best friend had a baby, she gained 80 pounds." "Oh, don't think I wasn't photographed next to her every day." "I've never been thinner in my entire life." "And it's so pathetic, she was really in denial." "She was like..." ""Do you think here's any chance the baby could weigh up to 80 pounds?"" "I'm your best friend." "I'm gonna have to go with 45, tops." "Are you starting to feel the pressure of your biological clock?" "You know, I do." "I desperately wanna have a baby." "Everything I do in comparison seems really inconsequential to all my friends, who go through these labor stories." "Like, my best friend was in labor." "She's like..." ""Well, you know, I was in labor for 36 days and I didn't use an epidural." "I had the baby out in the woods, and now I'm back at work full-time and breast-feeding."" "And I'm like, "Well, I bought the cutest skirt!"" "You know, I'm the youngest." "And both my sisters make so much money, it's embarrassing, and so on mother's day last year they said..." ""Well, I don't know." "I don't know, maybe this year we should send her on a cruise or, you know, buy her something really nice like a gold watch."" "Then they just look at me and go," ""And you just make another really nice card."" " And my boyfriend and I broke up." " Sorry." "Well, "broke up."" "It's amazing how you rewrite history." "When I was thrown from the cab." "I was completely in denial about that too." "I just lay by the side of the road as the car drove away, 90 miles per hour." "I was screaming after it, "Don't ever call me again!" "We're through!" "I mean it this time!"" "Hmm..." "You know, every time I see my old boyfriend, he's a little balder than he was the last time, and it makes me realize something very important." "Voodoo works." "You just have to start from the back, and one hair at a time, it'll kill him." "He was very sweet, he used to call me "Cutie,"" "which is short for "Chronic urinary tract infection."" "Have you ever fallen in love with one of your friends, Dr. Katz?" "Maybe, uh..." "Well, you know, it's just like you're friends with the person and then one day you look at them, and you're like, "Rrrr!"" "You know, that feeling?" "I was totally in love with my friend Mark, and he would always say to me," ""Oh, Caroline, you're such a good friend, and I was like, "Oh, shut up and do me."" "Well, you know what?" "When you meet the right person, you'll know it." "Yeah, and I'll meet his lovely wife." "Yeah, you'll know that too." "You're a little home wrecker, aren't you?" "You're not supposed to call me that!" "That's not helping." "Then change your bumper sticker." "Ben, is that the TV that I hear in the background?" "Well, dad, it's on, but that doesn't mean that I'm watching it." "It's just on for atmosphere." "And then when you're not looking at it, what are you looking at?" "My tummy." "Hmm..." "How about we call a moratorium on watching TV in the house?" "You know, I saw a show on that once." "Any good?" "In the town, they banned television for a week, just to see how the kids would react." "How did they react?" "They killed their parents." "Um..." "You think TV affects..." "Influences the way people behave, dad?" "Yes, I do." "What about me?" "Do you think I'm a product of what I watch?" "I do, I think..." "Or do you think it's the other way around?" "No, in fact, remember your favorite show when you were a kid?" "Remember the one I'm talking about?" "Which one?" ""I'm a big fat slug"?" "I hate you." "I just worry that you watch too much TV." "Dad, you know..." "And too much crap on TV." "Let me answer to that." "Okay, you wanna deal with these as if they're separate issues?" " Go ahead." " Exactly." "Okay, that's easier." "The first issue:" "I watch too much TV." " Mmm-hmm." " No." "Let me play along for a second." "The next issue is that the stuff that you choose to watch is crap and it's not good for you, and it's rotting your brains." "Okay, let me play devil's advocate." " Okay." " Yes." "Laura, I've had a little time here, and I've written this letter." "I've written this letter..." "Laura, I've had a little bit of time here and I've written this letter for you." "Um, Laura, I've had a little bit of time..." "Laura, I've had a little bit of time here, and I've written this letter to you." "It has a lot of my feelings in it and a lot of what I'm about and hopefully maybe what you're about too." " Hey, Laura." " Hi." "Hey, remember me?" "I've been sitting over there?" "Anyway, no, it's..." "All right." "So, all right, I know your sign and your rule about not talking to you and everything, but I wrote you this letter, and it's... open it up." "You might wanna open it up now." "And then I'll go in there, and then when I come out..." " Let me see it." " You can..." "All right, well, I'm gonna head in." "So just read it." "You know what?" "Don't even read it." "I was kidding." "It's a joke, it's part of a prank." "Just throw it away, just, you know..." " Let me just..." " Can I see it?" "Oh, okay, that's actually probably rude." "Dr. Katz's office." " Hey, Laura." " Hi." " How you doing?" " Fine." " Guess who." " Ben." "Um... right." "I was just checking in, you know, sometimes, I will be not so busy." "Mmm-hmm." "And I will call you up and call the office." "Good, that's a good activity for you." "We're sort of having a conversation here." "I kind of like that." " Did I just ruin it?" " I have to go." "Yeah, I figured I did." "Okay." "Hey, listen..." "Actually, before you go, wanna play "I'm thinking of an animal?"" "No." "I have a lot of fur, and I'm very big and I eat fish." " Ben?" " That's right, me." "See, I told you you'd get into it." "You wanna play "I'm thinking of a disease"?" "Ben..." "If I eat a whole tub of raw chicken, you might get me... hmm?" "Good for you!" "Bye!" "No!" "Salmonella." "Hello?" "So your parents must be so proud, David, of your recent success." "My mom's the kind of woman that..." "You know that parable where Jesus turned the water into wine at the wedding?" "She's really like the kind of lady who would have told him to turn it back." "Just yelled at him in front of everybody and kind of embarrassed me and used me as an example." ""You turn that wine back to water." "It's noon." "And we're not all trying to get a buzz on here." "I have kids." "It's hot, turn it back!"" "Dr. Katz's office." "I make you feel all shivery and weak and sweaty." "Hmm?" "Laura?" "I think that was an odd thing that Jesus did, anyway." "It seemed unnecessary." "And if you had that kind of super-secret power, think of all the better things you could do." "Although he might have been kind of inundated with a bunch of guys going..." ""Oh, dude, man, I have a bunch of sage here." "If you could turn this into weed, that would be awesome." "Jesus?" "Come on!" "Turn into some weed, man!"" "Mmm-hmm." "Although I don't know that people talked like that back then." "I don't know what they talked like." "I guess we don't know, really." "Yeah, for all we know," "Jesus could have sounded like an effeminate Southern man." "That would have been interesting, if Jesus was running around going..." ""Y'all, I just got back from Lazarus's tomb, and pee-yew, did it stink or what?" "I'm serious." "I moved that boulder away." "It was just like poo, right in my face." "And I'm sorry, but it just stunk to high heaven." "Hey, Luke!" "Hey, Mark!" "Y'all come on in!" "Oh, I'm so nervous 'cause tomorrow's my big sermon on the mount." "I'm so nervous it's gonna make or break me as a Messiah." "This is so important, and I just don't know what to do or say or wear." "Luke, does this robe make me look fat?" "Oh, lord." "Oh, that's me!" "How many times have I done that today?"" "I'm constantly buying stupid products." "Mmm-hmm." "And I bought this "Perfect nipples" kit." "That was a waste of money." "And you know what?" "It hurts." "There are just so many products that are unnecessary and that we just buy blindly." "We accept their need." "Like the beer company's coming out with these large-mouth cans." "I mean, who..." "I don't understand..." "Who's having trouble drinking out of their beer can?" "Like, the only people who could possibly benefit from this are giants, and they haven't existed for over 200 years now." "Mmm-hmm." "I recently attended a pro-drug rally in my basement and it was good." "I gave myself some literature, learned some things." "And, for instance, I think marijuana should be legalized." "I really do." "Not everybody should be able to smoke whenever they want." "You know, I wouldn't want my doctor getting high, right before he operated on me." "That's a good example of when it's a bad time to "boke" up." "The last thing I'd wanna hear before I went under would be..." ""Nurse, come here!" "Give me one of those..." "The, uh, the pointy..."" "Scalpel?" ""Yeah, the scalpel is exactly the name of it." "Yes, okay." "Um, hi, how you doing?" "Okay, so we are doing what here, again?" "Oh, yeah?" "Okay." ""Okay, let give it a shot." "All right, ready?" "Let me dig in." "Oh, I'm sorry, yes, anesthesia." "Whoops, okay, whoa, I'm sorry." "She told me..."" " Laura?" " Yeah?" "Do you ever watch the nature films?" "Sometimes." " Yeah." " Yeah." "Did you know a lioness will roll around in elephant dung just to make herself more desirable to the lion?" "Mmm-hmm." "Just because that fragrance, she thinks..." "Not like I'm second guessing her, but, apparently, the fragrance is attractive to the male lion." "What do you make of that?" "No, I guess I didn't know that." "Did you know that most of those nature shows are actually taped in front of a live audience?" "No, I didn't." "Yeah, they sweeten it up." "That's funny." "You're in good form today, Laura." "Oh, shut up." "Dr. Katz, have you ever been sued by a creditor?" "Pursued, you mean?" " Sued." " No, I haven't." " Pursued?" " Yes." "Every day I get this phone call from Mr. Gomez." "A man has never called me this much." "It's the biggest commitment I've ever had in my life, and he wants money, every time..." ""Um, hello?" "Is Caroline Rhea there?" "This is Mr. Gomez with a very important banking matter."" ""Uh, no, I'm sorry, she's not here right now." "Don't ever call back."" "Click." "Other, I'll put on some really bad scot..." "Oh, no, she's not here anymore." "But she's gone back to Edinburgh and she's never coming back." "All right, then, never call again." "Bye-bye, bye-bye, never again." "And this is the advice my mother always gives me, 'cause she's a 1950s babe, so no matter what I ask her, whatever the problem is..." "I go, "I'm being sued by a bunch of credit cards and it's really scary living in New York, and I don't know what to do."" ""Darling, just put on a little lipstick."" "You know, I have creditors banging at the door." ""We're here for the furniture!" "Oh, just a second, please." "Are you gone yet?"" "Dr. Katz's office." "Hey, Laura." "What's that screaming in the background?" "Oh, I'm watching a movie." "It's one of those screaming movies, where the woman goes, "Agh!"" "And the guy's scared too." "Sounds good." "You'd better get back to it." "It's funny you bring that up, 'cause my dad... he thinks I watch too much TV." "And I do." "That's pretty much it." "Boy, do I really have nothing to do." "My managers are Australian." "The way they talk, everything sounds really good 'cause they go up at the end of every sentence, but they're the most tactless people, so they're constantly insulting me with this really lovely tone." "Like I'll call them up after an audition, and I'll go, "Well, did you get any feedback?" "Yeah, yeah." "We talked to the guy and you didn't get the part!" "No, they thought you were fat!"" "You know, it's so pathetic." "And then I went shopping the other day for this dress." "And this salesgirl..." "First of all, she was incredibly mean." "I go into the dressing room, and she pops her little head over the curtain and says..." ""Does anything fit?"" ""Oh, yes, I was able to get the dressing room curtain around my hips."" "And then there's this, like, perfect, skinny, little girl in the dressing room next to me." "And she comes out." "She's trying it out in a size 2, and I'm trying it on in a size 12." "So, basically, I just looked at her and I was like..." ""I'm six times bigger than you?" "Argh!"" "And then this stupid salesgirl comes around the corner again." ""Oh my god, can you believe that's the same dress?" "It looks so different!"" "I feel like I walk out of the house, and the second the door closes behind me, the TV goes on and it doesn't go off until I come home." "It's not healthy." "Maybe he just shouldn't be watching so much TV." "Yeah, but how can you limit it?" "I think it's important to set limits and to actually take a firm hand with your offsprings." "Well, I don't like to honk my own horn, but I went home and I said, "Ben, enough is enough." "You know, we've gotta draw the line somewhere."" "Firm hand." "Yeah, I think that's really what a kid wants, is boundaries." "So what was his..." "What did he say?" "I don't think he heard me." "See?" "Well, the TV was on, it was too loud." "Too loud." "But just getting it off my chest felt great." "What is the lesson that we've learned tonight, watching this show?" "We're better than the wildebeest." "We're different." "We're smarter." "This is why I want you to watch this, because we learn so much from these shows about our own nature." "Do you know what the average number of hours people watch TV a day is?" "No, I don't." "Like, 3,5 hours a day." "How much do you watch?" "I watch considerably more." "So you're bringing up the average." "Well, I don't know what to make of that, but that's your job." "I just sit here and watch TV." "Remember that thing I used to do with my finger, where it made it look like I was..." " Taking it off?" " Yeah." "Remember the first time I did that, what you said?" "I said, "That's an optical illusion."" "That's right." "That was the first time" "I heard you use the word "illusion."" "I can't do it." "You know what the difference is?" "You haven't invested the 350 hours that I invested..." "Practicing that?" "You have to be double-jointed, don't you?" "You know who's double-jointed." "Come here." "I'll show you who's double-jointed." "Ow, ow!" "I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and when I come back," "I'm trusting you not to change the station." "How long are you gonna be?" "I'll be back before the next commercial." "Well, take your time." "What are you gonna do?" "One or two?" "I actually was thinking of doing a combo." "To be honest with you, dinner tonight is sitting a little heavy." "Well, that's why the good lord created two bathrooms." "Yeah." " Hey, dad?" " Yeah." "You're missing this here." "You're missing this." "Well, this has gotta be more interesting." "You know, all this nature stuff is starting to seem a little unnatural to me." "I can't hear you, what?" "I said, "Your mother!"" "I can't talk to you like this anymore." "But all I'm trying to say is you're missing some great TV out here." "Just slip it under the door." " Hurry it up!" " Yeah, okay." "You gotta get out there." "You have to do things for you, you know, and enjoy yourself." "I'll do some things for me." "Like the other night I rented Schindler's list." "And I gotta be honest with you, not that funny." "Where were you sitting?" "Hi, Ben." " What's going on?" " Nothing." " How's the day been?" " Fine." "Same here." "Okay, bye." " My dad's in, right?" " Yeah." "Yeah, good." "Do you wanna talk to him?" "No, no, I mean, I've had enough of that." "Okay, then." "How many times can you talk to your dad in one day?" "Right." "Without getting sick of it?" "I hear ya." "Hey, listen, actually, before you go..." "A quick question." "Do you watch a lot of TV?" "Not a lot, no." " You have a TV, I assume, right?" " Yeah." " Cable?" " Mmm-hmm." " Me too." " Great." "How many channels does that baby get over there?" "Oh, I don't know, a lot." "136 over here." "I'm thinking about getting the dish." "Wow." "That's pretty impressive, huh?" "Great." "How much TV a day do you watch, Laura?" "I don't know." "How many in, like, in hours." "I don't know." " Well, how many hours?" " I don't know!" "What's the average?" "Two?" "Break that down to minutes." "Bye." "Dammit!" " My mother's obsessed with playing bridge." " Really?" "Aliens could land at the door she wouldn't care less, she'd just say..." ""Oh, come on in, invade later." "We've got a good hand going." "You be dummy this hand." "Hey, hey, hey, quit sucking the life force from the dog and pay attention." "This is not an easy game, mister." "All right..." "Lemon square?"" "It really is disgusting how, like, men think it's perfectly okay to say things to you as you walk down the street." "Well, not all men." "Most of the time, actually, think they're complimenting you, but the other day..." "This is so pathetic..." "I was coming home from the gym and I'm walking along the street and this man passes me and says, "Hello, fatty!"" "I just wanted to kill him." "Now, it is disgusting, though." "You're walking down the street, really innocently, and some construction worker is like," ""Sss, Maria, mmmm!"" "So what do they think I'm gonna do?" "Run over and go, "Tony, is that you?" "It's me, big Hooters, hi!"" "It wouldn't even gross me out or bother me so much if they could show me one marriage that has come from this kind of an introduction." ""Mommy, how did you and daddy meet?"" ""Well, dear, I was walking along the street one day, and your father screamed the most disgusting things at me!" "Oh, something about wanting to eat his lunch off my ass."" "You know..." ""I fell in love, and the rest is history." "Now clear the table."" "Our time is up, and we're gonna have to..." "I just wanna ask you one more thing." "No, one more thing." "Sorry, no." " If you ask..." " No." " What if..." " Ah!"