"I'm not sick" "But I'm not well" "And I'm so hot" "Cos I'm in hell" "'What an amazing day!" "Promotion." "'Finally, all the backbiting and plotting 'and arse-kissing and credit-stealing and hard work has paid off." "'Goodbye, Mark Corrigan, credit manager." "'Hello, Mark Corrigan, senior credit manager." "'I've smashed the glass ceiling with my greasy pole. '" "Sophie?" "Oh, hi, Mark." "'What's she doing here?" "Broken glass in my muesli?" "'Pesto in the hard drive?" "'" "I've been waiting." "I wanted to give you the annulment forms and sort out the annulment." "Are you OK?" "Yeah." "Oh, yeah." "Um, I just shared a couple of joints with Jez while I was waiting, so..." "Yeah, I'm smoking again." "Well, thanks." "See you soon." "'Ls that it?" "'No sarcastic put-down?" "No casual kick in the balls?" "'Maybe it's because she's been smoking drugs." "'Good old drugs. '" "Hi, Jez." "Oh, hi, Mark." "I think this might be the best day of my life." "War with Sophie is over and Johnson's given me a promotion." "I've only got my own bloody little office." "Cool." "I'm glad you've had such an amazing day." "That's great." "'Ouch!" "The ghost at the feast." "Better take the mustard off. '" "I mean, it wasn't that great." "Lunch was pretty nothingy." "Baked potato... again." "Are you all right?" "I've just been doing a lot of thinking lately." "'Oh, shit. '" "And I was just thinking," ""Why do I even do half the stupid shit I do?" ""Maybe I'm a knobhead. "" "What?" "No." "No, no, no." "Maybe I'm not in the 1% of people who think they're gonna be successful musicians and are totally right, but in the 99% of talentless, misguided dickheads." "Jez, you're not a talented, misguided dickhead." "That's the last thing you are." "Wanna go for another one?" "Maybe." "Shall we wait until the kids have gone?" "LAUGHTER" "Hey, look." "One's talking to those freaks who tried to push us their personality tests." "Look at that bloody New Wellness loony." "You know what would be fucking funny?" "Us in there." "We should do their test." "Take a weirdo for a ride round the paddock." "Freak out the freaks." "Might also be quite warm in there." "'This is gonna be funny." "I'm gonna freak the fuck out of this sheep." "'He'll probably walk out worshipping me. '" "The personality test is just a few questions to determine how you're being prevented from unlocking your true potential." "Oh, OK." "'I'll tell you what's unlocking your true potential, mate." "That tie!" "'" "Right, question one." "Do you often make efforts to make people you're not fond of laugh or smile?" "'I'll fuck with him. ' No." "'Actually, it's more of a yes. '" "In social situations, do you crack wise to help yourself fit in?" "No." "I mean yes." "But..." "No, no." "It's a no." "The answer's no." "'What was my plan again?" "'" "Great!" "You know, a lot of different people come and do the test, but we find what they have in common is that they're not where they want to be in their life." "'Losers. ' Right." "Are you where you want to be in your life right now?" "'Fuck you!" "'" "Not particularly." "These issues have their roots in childhood." "How were things in your family when you were growing up?" "Well, you know..." "My dad left home when I was ten, so..." "What would 10-year-old Jeremy have said to his dad if he'd had the courage?" "Dunno." "Just..." "Don't go?" "Don't go." "It's OK." "You're in a safe place." "'This is a laugh. '" "I thought I knew what I was doing with my life, but I haven't a fucking clue." "Don't worry." "We'll carry on with the personality test." "This next section is going to answer a lot of those questions." "'This is funny." "This is definitely pretty funny. '" " Hey, Dobbs." " Hi, Mark." "What was that screen you just closed down?" "Oh, what?" "Nothing." "Was it Fantasy Warquest?" "Well, I used to have a Paladin Vardor in Dungeons and Dragons." " What level?" " 14." " Nice." " But I've never done Warquest, though I've read loads about it." "I've been questing with Gerard." "It's nothing to be embarrassed about." "I know." "Why are we whispering?" "I don't know." "PHONE RINGS" "'What does he want?" "'" "Hello." "I'm sorry to bother you at work." "I wanted to apologise." "I take and take and never give anything back." "Yes, that's right." "Are you OK, Jez?" "Yes, I'm fine." "I just need you to know that I'm selfish and irresponsible." " I need to take ownership of that fact." " 'OK, agreed. '" " Are you sure you're OK?" " Yep, doing good." "See you later." "'Weird." "Maybe he's on acid or watched a whole Jeremy Kyle. '" "You know what?" "We should load up Warquest together some time." "Pizza, beer, draw the curtains, settle in for a massive sesh." "Sounds interesting." "'God, she's dangerous. '" "Cool." "Have at thee, Vardor." "I shall expect no quarter, Gwynlath." "'She's my dream." "'My nightmare." "Ooh, I'm excited." "'And guilty." "'Oh, Sophie." "Why do I feel guilty?" "'I haven't done anything wrong." "'I feel guilty about everything, 'from the pollution caused by Chinese industrialisation 'to not wearing some pairs of boxers as much as others." "'I'm sorry, stripy blue, you're just too tight. '" "OK, so we're gonna enter the alchemist's study." "We all know the risks." "Agreed?" "Agreed." "What about doing some live-action role-play down Chislehurst, boss?" "Well, I'm up for it if Dobby's up for it." "But, Gerard, don't call me boss outside work." "I don't like it." "'I very much do like it. '" "OK, the alchemist is still here." "The alchemist is still here." "Fine, close the door." "Maybe we should stock up on provisions." "Go to the fair and buy some... gooseberries." "Don't go over there, it's a trap." "Those trees are not real trees." "'Dobby, the acceptable face of woman." "'I hardly have to modify my behaviour at all in her company." "'I really think she might be The One. '" "Hey, Mark, I've cleaned the kitchen, so don't go in for a bit, the floor's still drying." "And I've been to Tesco to stock up on milk and bread, we were running low." "You've cleaned the..." "What?" "!" "The kitchen." "See you later." "I'm off out today and tomorrow - to my course." "Back in a minute." "Feel free to use my enchanted coracle." "What course?" "Are you OK?" "Is everything all right?" "Yeah, it's for personal and career development." "Did the first day yesterday." "Best 400 quid I've ever spent." "Plus, you get a free book." "The New Wellness Centre." "Jez, I think I've heard about these people." "There's stuff all over the internet about them." "That's right." "There's a conspiracy about them." "There's a lot of stuff about an asteroid in here." "It's based on the seven sacred truths from the golden tablets found in the asteroid which crashed in Siberia in 1911." "It's a really great book." "You'd love the chapter on orgones." "Orgones?" "Orgones are the invisible molecules of universal life energy which govern our moods and our actions." "Negatives orgones are the source" " of all the problems in the world." " And you believe that?" "Well, how do you explain all the problems in the world?" "I mean, I couldn't just..." "There are so many historical and economic factors..." "Exactly!" "You haven't got a clue." "Come on, Jez." "Asteroids?" "Orgones?" "What would you say if I came home talking about that kind of stuff?" "I'd say, "That sounds fascinating, please tell me more. " See you later." "'Jeremy's in a cult." "'Jeremy in a cult..." "It does have a certain ring to it. '" "So, Sue's off." "Yep." "Some redundancies are more voluntary than others, eh?" "She's taking it well." "Show me a good loser and I'll show you a loser." "So, listen, that new office of yours, I think it's time we busted its virginity." "'He's not gonna hump me in my office, is he?" "'" "Marketing's a petrified forest." "I need you to swing your chopper." "Is that OK, Corrigan?" "Sure thing, Alan." "'Oh, God, firing people." "'Maybe he's gonna make me fire Dobby." "He knows I like her." " 'He's scented my weakness. '" " Hey, husband." "Hi, Soph, how are you doing?" "Pretty terrible." "This wine is so disgusting." "Yep, it's very horrible." "So, how's Jez?" "He's joined a cult, is changing his name, but fine." "Wow!" "What's his new name?" "Jared." " Ooh, that's not good." " I know." "So, you had a look at the annulment stuff?" "Wanna go to your new office in a bit and annul the hell out of our marriage?" "'Quick divorce, back for nibbles. '" "So... how are things?" "What happened to whatshisname?" "Tolly?" "Oh, no good." "I waited until about the fifth weekend and then I said, "Look, I want a baby, like, pretty fucking soon. "" "Then he said, "Oh, that's interesting. " And then, boom!" "Gone." "Men don't like babies as much as women." "That's my analysis." "How are things for you?" "Missing me?" "Got anything going?" "Well, you know, I have got..." "someone in the crosshairs." "But I might let her live a bit longer before I pull the trigger, though." "Are you, though?" "Missing me?" "Yeah, well, I..." "I probably do miss you." "A bit. 'She's playing me like a tuba. '" "I mean, I miss you a bit." "So..." "'Should I?" "'I could." "I haven't made my move on the Dobster." "I'm still a free man." "'Maybe I'm Shaft." "Maybe I'm Trump." "'Yeah, I'm Trump, in my dirty wiggy tower. '" "'Look at me." "Drunken one-night stand." "'I mean, she is my wife." "'Still, finally got to use my Bachelor's Emergency Condom." "'Oh, shit!" "Oh, bollocks!" "'" "Soph..." "I think there might be a bit of a problem." "It's not..." "It's been in my wallet so long I think the rubber may have perished." "Old Meg has broken." "Oh, God, Soph, I'm sorry." "It's broken?" "Oh dear." "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear." "I suppose, just to be on the safe side, the morning-after pill." "You could..." "Maybe." "There's powerful hormones in those things, so I might just..." "What?" "Let nature take its course." "The chances are, on a one-off, nothing's..." "Soph, why are you sitting like that?" " Like what?" " Like that." "It's comfy." "It's just..." "Sitting like that, it might..." "I like sitting like this." "Stop sitting like that." "No." "Please." "Sit up." "Just relax." "OK?" "I'm not going to sit up." "I'm just comfy." "'That is low." "That is really low." "'She's taken my sperm 'and sperm is like lending someone less than a fiver." "'You can't really ask for it back. '" "The good news is that in my last personality chart I was 30% up, which was pretty wicked." "Your wellness levels must be through the fucking roof." "You're right on schedule, according to the book." "Hardback book, based on tablets brought by an asteroid." "Something you can rely on." "Yeah." "What do you think about the asteroids stuff?" "Are you having a few doubts?" " No." "God no." "More sort of... thoughts." " Thoughts?" "You want to give that shit a rest." "You've been thinking thoughts your whole life." "Look where that got you." "True enough." "I was talking to Pascoe and a couple of rooms have come up at the centre." "The cool thing is, if you live in, you can pay for classes by making new recruits." "It's a good system, innit?" "That is a good system." "So?" "You up for it?" "'Move into the compound?" "Mark'll say I'm joining a cult." "'But he won't have a Nectar card because he thinks it means they've got him!" "'" "Dude, crank up the orgonometer and bring on module two!" "'Hope she's not pregnant." "'Lt's been ages." "She hasn't mentioned it." "'She won't be pregnant." "It's not like I'm a Royal Marine with super sperm. '" "Oh!" "Hi, Alan." "Looking good in here." "I've got a 32-inch plasma in mine." "You get a document up on that baby and you are seriously looking at that document." "These are the figures from human resources." "The droid for the chop." "Sophie is the lowest-ranked by far, so..." "Sophie?" "You want me to fire Sophie?" "She's a liability." "She came in late this morning, stinking of booze and fags." "'She's so unpregnated. '" "I'm not running a rehab clinic." "This is a maximum-security business institution and if you can't break rocks, you get shot in the head." "Do your duty, Corrigan." "Chapman!" "Corrigan." "You wanted to see me?" "Um, yes, take... take a seat." "'Oh fuck!" "Oh fuck!" "Oh fuck!" "'" "Um..." "Yes, there's..." "There's something I want..." "Well, I don't want, but I've got to tell you." "Yes." "And I've actually..." "I've got some news." "Big news." "Oh, yes?" "'Please don't say you're pregnant. '" "I'm pregnant." "'Fu-u-u-uck!" "'" "Right." "You're pregnant." "Of course." "I did three home tests last night and they were all positive." "Right." "Only three?" "Look, I know neither of us planned this." "But it's happened." "And I want a baby." " So, what was your news?" " Well, um..." "Have you ever considered, you know, redundancy?" "Voluntary redundancy?" "No." "Have you ever considered involuntary redundancy?" "You're firing me?" "Well, no, I mean..." "I've been asked to fire you, but that doesn't necessarily mean..." "That's perfect." "That's just what I needed." "I've just found out I'm pregnant and now I'm losing my fucking job." "Mark!" "I don't think I'm going to be able to cope with this." "'Oh, fiddlesticks." "Of course, I'm having a baby." "'Great." "I'll probably drop it 'or it'll write a bitter memoir about how distant I was. '" "Sorry!" "Look." "Sophie, I'm..." "I'm not going to fire you." "We'll sort something out." "I'll fire someone else." "Paul, he's a pain in the arse." "That would be nice." "'Please stop crying. '" "And... and..." "I just want to say that I'll be there for you." "I'm going to look after you and I'll cook you meals and wash your clothes and..." "'Still crying!" "'" "If you want, I'll be there for you 24/7." "Really?" "Would you do that?" "Absolutely." "'Just got to say the right words." "'Can think about what they mean later. '" "Broadsword plus two." "Broadsword plus two!" "Reviving potion, reviving potion." " You're down!" "You're fucking down." " I revived, all right, I revived." "'What they fuck am I doing?" "I'm in a wood in Kent with a plastic sword." "'I've crossed a line." "I'm an executive and a father-to-be." "'This isn't me." "These aren't my people. '" "Barbarians!" "Move out." "Prepare a feast." "Coming to the pub, Mark?" "Cheap lager, expensive crisps and self-loathing?" "'She's The One, definitely. '" "I could give you a lift home?" "I..." "I think I'll jump in the van." "I need to get home." " Sophie asked me to come over." " Right." "Pub, Gerard?" "Sure." "'There she goes." "Goodbye, Dobby, 'because I'm having a baby with a woman who secretly hates me." "'Don't want to mess up that sweet little deal. '" "So, listen, Mark." "Something I wanted to mention... about Dobby." "Cos I know you two had a bit of a thing, but I'm thinking about asking her out." "Actually, Gerard, there's been something I've been meaning to mention, too." "Yeah?" "You're fired." "What?" " From JLB." "You're fired from your job." " This is about Dobby, isn't it?" "Absolutely not." "You're just not pulling your weight." "You're scared to make a move and want me out of the way!" "That is simply not true." "If you fire me, I'll tell everyone it's because of Dobby." "I'll take you to a tribunal." "I will go all the way." "OK, well, maybe I have been a bit... hasty." "Your work is showing signs of improvement in some areas so..." "Very well, after this talk, you're not fired." "Satisfied?" "'Oh, my God!" "I can't fire anyone." "'I'm like British Leyland in 1976.'" "'Hmm." "A new TV and it's HD ready." "I am so ready for HD." "'HD will make everything better." "Hello." "Do you want any of this stuff before I drive it down the incinerator?" "What is it?" "Jared's old shit." "Photos, songs, diaries, love letters, that sort of crap." "Oh, yeah, sure," "I'll..." "I'll hang onto that." "So..." "Is he really actually going?" "To the centre?" "Yep." "Sophie's in there now saying goodbye." "'She's nice." "Maybe it'll be OK with me and Soph." "'A quick game of Warquest." "'When you have a baby, probably any relationship issues just melt away. '" "So, yeah, Jez." "Jared." "I wanted a quick chat." " You're not trying to de-programme me?" " No, not at all." "You remember that time when I came over last month to give Mark the annulment papers?" "What?" "When we did the thing that we shouldn't have done but which, at the time, we really, really wanted to do?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "I don't feel great about that." "I don't really want to do that again." "No, nor me!" "Um, no, it's just, um..." "You know I went to the clinic and I'm..." " Knocked up with Mark's kid?" " Pregnant, yeah." "Well, it turns out the dates... the dates might be a bit wrong for what I thought, so..." "So, what?" "It's not going to get born... old?" "Or young?" "But they come young anyway, so..." "No." "I got the dates a bit wrong, so..." "Oh, you're fucking kidding." "Oh, no!" "No!" "So I don't know." "It's all up in the air." "Yeah..." "It's exciting." "I'm glad you told me." "'I so wish you hadn't told me." "Everything was brilliant before I knew 'and I was joining the cult..." "Not cult. '" "So, with everything we've been through," "I just don't think I can tell Mark." "Will you tell him?" "Of course I will, Soph." "I'll keep in touch." "'I'll send Mark a note." "A nice card with a stork and a love rat." "And a fiver. '" "Bye, Mark." "See you soon, I hope." "Um, yeah." "See you." "'Could text him." "A friendly, anonymous text. '" "So... this is exciting." "I'm moving into the centre and you're going to have your wife and your family." "Yeah." "The Dobby door is definitely closed." "I waited too long." "Her and Gerard are an item." "Uh-huh. 'Should tell him." "God, I feel terrible." "'Where they heck did all these negative orgones come from?" "'" "OK, well, um..." "Bye." "Ey-ey!" "Uhhh-uhhh!" "There was just one thing." "I don't think you should go, you do know that, don't you?" "I'll come and get you if you like." "I'll happily de-programme you." "Yeah, thanks, man." "Um..." "No, the thing is..." "It's just..." "Um..." "Pfff-fff..." "Me and Sophie might be having a baby." "No, Jez, me and Sophie might be having a baby." "No, Mark." "Me and Sophie might be having a baby." "About a month ago, when she came round, we ended up..." "Oh, my God!" "I knew it!" "Everyone is secretly fucking behind my back!" "I'm so sorry." "But it's not for certain." "It might still be yours." "Brilliant!" "I won't throw away my ticket in the baby raffle just yet!" " Are you angry?" " You had sex with my wife, Jeremy!" "That's quite a number, even for you!" "But, then, on the other hand, I was definitely having a baby which, to be honest, wasn't really on my to-do list for the year." "So, in a way, things are looking up." "Right." "It's such a relief to tell you." "God, it's been ever so weird, ever since it happened." "I've had this really bad feeling, like, in my brain, and..." "It's guilt, Jeremy." "Most people feel it when they've done something wrong." "This is why you've become a cult-head, isn't it?" "What?" "Oh, God, no." "No, it's a much bigger journey than that." "Although, I did join up the day after it happened." "'Do the maths, Jeremy. '" "Oh, Jared, what's the hold-up, dude?" "The incinerator closes at six." "Um, sure." "It's just..." "I've been having a talk with Mark and, um, basically I might have a big think about the move." "You having thoughts again?" "I've told you about that shit." "He's not moving into the compound." "We don't need any of your orgones here," "Super Hans." "He's staying where he belongs." "You're gonna stay in the Death Star with Captain Haddock?" "He doesn't value you." " He thinks you're a dickhead." " Just because he's a dickhead doesn't mean I'm not his friend." "He may be a dickhead but I'm showing him how to stop being one." "Could you please stop agreeing that I'm a dickhead!" "I'm not a dickhead." "Look, dickhead or not, he belongs here, in the real world." "You think this is the real world?" "The elves and the pixies and fucking Merlin?" "Well, it's better than asteroids and tablets and orgones." "Whoops!" "Right, you fucker." "No!" "Stop!" "No, Super Hans, not the new TV." "It's bullshit." "It's just a meaningless object of attachment." "Yeah, but it's HD ready!" "It's HD ready!" "Hans!" "No!" "Whoops!" "Right!" "That is it, Hans!" "Fuck off, just fuck off, all right?" "All right..." "Stay and watch your negative orgone level hit the fucking roof if you want." "I'm going clear." "'Oh, God, he's broken a TV." "'I might be a father..." "He's broken a TV!" "'" "Jesus, man, I am so sorry." "Don't worry, Home insurance, my friend." "Finally, it's payback time." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "We'll get a new telly, even bigger than this one." "And... what about the... issue?" "Well, if Sophie continues down her path towards self destruction, we'll end up adopting like a couple of gay dads, anyway." " We won't need to find out whose it is." " Right." "Who knows?" "Who the fuck even cares?" "Exactly." "'Oh, Jesus. '" "'Oh, Jesus. '" "Paranoia, paranoia" "Everybody's coming to get me" "Just say you never met me" "I'm runnin' underground with the moles" "Diggin' holes"