"This was me earlier today trying to navigate the course after one shot of tequila." "Now, lets see how I did after six shots." "Remember everyone, that little demonstration is the Highway Patrol's way of saying have a safe New Year's Eve tonight." "I don't know, it could be their way of saying:" "Watch out for women drivers." "And finally, tonight we say good-bye to our old colleague" "Chuck Darling who's leaving Pittsburgh for greener pastures." "I guess we always knew we couldn't kleep you here, keep you, I said keep." " Anyway, we're sure gonna miss you." " That's very sweet, Kelly, although that may be the Tequila talking." "Los Angeles city officials met with Governor Schwarzenegger today." "Let's check in now with Darcy Tanner for the latest." "Because they make the top parts of my feet look fat." "Yes, they do." " Yes, they..." " Small glitch there." "Let's check back with her after this break." "That's the 3rd time." "Somebody wanna call Darcy on her * cell phone!" "Tell her I didn't freeze my * off in Minneapolis and * Pittsburgh to end up working with some dip * who's only has her job because she's * the General Manager!" "We're still on." "It was bring your-daughter-to-work day today here at the station..." "He dominated the local news scene in the'90s..." "Now, after stop in the nation's largest cities..." "Chuck Darling is back in Pittsburgh!" "Starting tonight on News 9 at 6:00 and 10:00." "How many promos are they gonna run for this guy?" "We got it, he's back." "Okay, people, our new anchor is in the building!" "Let's try and look professional!" "Are we getting a new anchor?" "I had no idea." "Gary, again, I'm sorry you didn't get the anchor job." "You're sorry?" "I'm the one who spent the last 12 years out in the cold covering every freeway chase, toxic spill and record snowfall!" "What was all that talk about you guys grooming me?" "That was about your eyebrows when we went Hi-Def." "The security guard's asleep, the hall smells like curry," "I'm back!" "There he is!" "Chuck Darling!" "Gary Crezewski," " my God, how are you?" " Great." "It's Shurshwoovski." "How is that better than what I said?" "Ah, there's the old office!" "It's so great you're back." "Legendary Chuck Darling." "I don't know about "legend." What's an anchorman but a loud guy who can keep people from flipping the channel?" "Well, it's a skill to command people's attention." " People tell me..." " Oh, hello, I'm Chuck Darling." "Hi, Ryan Church." "Could you move my car?" "I think I parked in the wrong spot." "Actually, I'm the news director." "So." "Isn't that embarrassing?" "It's the black convertible." "Well, say, how old are you?" "Well, I know I may seem a bit young but I basically ran the station's Internet division where I guess I impressed a few people." "I've been on the news side for quite a few weeks now and you'll find I run a pretty tight ship." "Does that answer the question you were really asking?" " No." " I'm 26-and-a-half." " My birthday's in March." " Good," "I'll have time to reserve the big Jumpy Jump for the party." "Chuck Darling, you old dog!" "Well, when did we hire Marsh McGinley's dad to do sports?" "Okay, let go." "I love this guy." "Man, we used to go out and have some wild times after the show, huh?" "Remember those two skater girls with the gorgeous legs?" "They were characters from Sesame Street On Ice." "As I recall, you banged Bert." "That particular night was brought to you by the letter O." "Say, Marsh, let me ask you something..." "How did Kelly take the news of my coming back?" "You know, things were always a bit turbulent between us." "I guess she has been a little on edge lately." "Last week I told a perfectly harmless PMS joke and she threw a bottle at me." "Whose point did she prove there?" "Hello." "I'm Montana Diaz Herrera." "Oh, why, you're the weather girl." "Uh, nice to meet you." "Or do you prefer weather woman?" "I never know which." "Actually, I prefer Meteorologist." " But you're not a Meteorologist." " But I prefer it." "It makes me seem like a professional." "Trust me, that skirt alone makes you seem like a professional." "I saw your tapes, I liked you very much." "Although, we could make a few tweaks." " Tweaks?" " Little things." "Your hair, your clothes the way you speak." " You need to use your diaphragm more." " Like that's possible." "Oh, my God... somebody parked a black convertible in my spot and I didn't see it and I just plowed right into it!" "What?" "!" "Oh, you!" " Chuck Darling!" " "And Kelly Carr."" "Just so you guys know, you have a live promo in three minutes." " OK, I still have to park my car." " Let me take care of that for you." "Here you go." "So, tell me everything." "You left here for Denver and then it was..." " Minneapolis," " Yeah." "Dallas and then L.A." "And now you're back." " So, where you living?" " Back at the Dorchester." "Oh, still living in hotels, huh?" "What can I say?" "I like a relationship where they want me to leave my towels on the floor." "What about you?" "Did I hear you got married?" "And divorced." "He was a total control freak." "Which would have been fine if he could do anything right." " So, any kids?" " That's the good part." " An 8-year-old daughter." " An 8-year-old." "Yeah." "You want to run this?" "Oh, Kelly, always the worrier." "There was magic in these chairs ten years ago, and I'm sure it'll be there again." "Although..." " Didn't I used to sit over there?" " Well, you may have." "But, uh, I've kind of been here since then, you know, making my own magic." "Look, if it really bothers you I guess we could..." "I'm just afraid that the audience will be thrown if I'm not back where they're used to seeing me." "45 seconds, guys." "So, life is good?" "Yeah, no, it is, it really is." "I've had my ups and downs over the last few years, you know." "My mom died, so." "Yeah, I miss her, you know." "And then I had a little health scare myself." "So, I mean it was just kind of a bad joke there for a while everything going wrong, you know." " Remember my cat?" " I had a hippopotamus," " I kept him in a shed..." " Shut up!" "For six years I sat at this desk and listened to your minny-mama and biddy-puh until I wanted to punch you in your big fat throat!" "You want the real breaking news:" "I cannot do this with you again, you preening gas bag!" "Coming up at 6:00... good news, homeowners, your property taxes may be going down." "Fire guts a downtown warehouse, Montana says get out your umbrellas... there's a storm coming..." "And News Nine welcomes back an old friend." "It's good to be back." " See you at 6:00, everyone." " We're clear." "Good Lord, cut your nails." "It's like a falcon landed on my wrist." " Any sign of Kelly?" " No." "But I have the whole thing under control." "We can put Gary in the anchor chair and go along on Sports to cover Gary's story." " Five minutes to air." " Not helping!" "Who here is roughly my size?" "Hey, guys." "I made my famous pistachio nut cookies last night when I couldn't sleep, in the nude." "No, thanks, I'm allergic to pistachios, but thanks anyway, Dakota." "It's Montana." "What is it with you coming on to him?" "It's a problem, okay?" "I have to know that the man in power wants to sleep with me or I won't feel comfortable in the workplace." "Maybe you can rein it in a little." "And also what's with this whole caliente" " Latina thing?" " Hey, I have gotten very far using my "Latina. "" "It's pronounced your Lah-tie-nah." "Where are you going?" "To do the live shot at the courthouse, even though nobody's at the courthouse but it adds action and urgency for me to stand out in the cold in front of a dark empty building." "It's five minutes to show, we can't find Kelly anywhere," " so you may have to cover for her." " Really?" "Maybe now you'll stop complaing?" "Sorry, Ryan." "Sometimes I can be a little whiney." "I believe that's pronounced little weenie." " Hey, Marsh." " Hey!" "Kelly back?" "No, but don't worry." "She'd wade through a pool of piranhas to get in front of the camera." "Remember when she did that?" "Hell of a sweeps week." "I still can't believe the way she lost it today." "What was that?" "Chuck, I love you like a brother." "Actually, more, I don't especially care for my brother." "Mr. Fancy Guitar Salesman, wouldn't pick up a check if it was glued to his finger." "The only times he calls..." "Oh, sorry, yeah." "Look..." "My point is, you're focusing on how hard it is for you to come back down to the minors." "Maybe you should consider what it's like for her." "Think about it, she's been the star of this team for the last ten years." "That's a good point, Marsh, thanks." "At least that Montana took a shine to you?" "Those nuts in her cookies aren't the only kind I stay away from." "Yep, lot of kooks in this business, but I wouldn't trade it for the world." "Well, I'm off." "I still vomit before every show." " Cookie, Marsh?" " No point in that, sweetheart." "Hey, stranger." "Mimi." "You look fantastic!" "Listen, I'd love to get together and catch up." " You free tonight?" " All I have is yoga." "God." "Then you're flexible." " Three minutes to show." " Stop that!" "So, Chuck, uh..." "I still need the subject" " for your commentary tonight." " It's about my return to Pittsburgh." "How I feel I left a little bit of myself here." "Oh, thank God you're back!" "Oh, tone it down, Ryan, I'm just a man with a gift doing his job." "He meant me." "You know what I really don't need from you right now?" "A lecture." "I'm sorry." "I didn't realize how hard my coming back is for you because I've been focused on how hard it is for me." "I'm going to reveal something to you now that absolutely nobody else knows." "I didn't step down from that job in L.A. I got fired." "Everybody knows that." "We all saw it on YouTube." "I was hoping it would get lost in all that furor over" ""baby slips off soapy dog."" "But, look, my point is, I really need this to work." "All the networks want now is... youth and hair." "It's a pretty cruel joke for a guy who spent his whole lifetime waiting for his chance to be Walter Cronkite." "Please tell me you are not looking for sympathy about age discrimination from a woman in her 40s!" "You look younger than you did ten years ago." "You even said that with a straight face." "I'm chock-full of Botox." "So, are we okay?" "Yes, I am..." " Sorry I overreacted earlier." " That's all right." "It's understandable, especially considering how badly I handled things after we, you know." " Chuck, would you..." " Come on, Kelly, look." "Denying isn't going to make it go away." "We slept together, all right?" "This just in." "Your exact words that night, as I recall." "No, I assumed it was just a... a little fling my last night in town, but obviously it meant more to you if you've been carrying it for 10 years so I'm sorry." "Do you actually think that..." " You don't have to pretend anymore." " I am not..." "Look, I handled it badly, not returning your calls, and I apologize." "There." "Now, let's go do a newscast." "You think just because I slept with you once I fell in love with you?" "Well, I..." "it was New Year's Eve." "I had spent the day driving around traffic cones and I was pounding tequila shots." "Trust me, it was a toss-up between you and Virgil, the night janitor." "So that's your story:" "it meant nothing to you." "Less than nothing." "Is that really too much for your ego to take?" "But it still doesn't explain your little outburst today after spending 2 minutes with me." "Maybe it just brought back bad memories of the last 2 minutes I spent with you." "Yes!" "I'm wearing the new suit." "Just fire up the TiVo and call my parents." "And honey, later tonight, you're doing it with an anchorman." " Kelly's back isn't she?" " Yeah." "Tough break, buddy." "What time does the missus need Chuck to come over?" "So expect this freezing rain to stay with us through the weekend." "Hey, Chuck." "Bet you didn't see weather like that in..." "Los Angeles." "No, and gracias, Montana." "For the latest on the Broder Corruption Trial, let's go live to Gary..." "Crez-izz-yoo-ski." "Shurshwoovski." "Chuck, I'm standing here in the torrential rain outside the dark and empty courthouse, where much earlier today, prosecutors called Robert Broder a blight on society." "We're back in one-fifteen with Chuck's commentary." "Kelly, got your daughter on hold." "She says it's important." "Gracie, what's wrong?" "No, you may not go to an R-rated movie." "Why do you want to go with Jenna anyway?" "Isn't she the one that's been teasing you?" "Ten-year-olds can be so cruel." "Especially if you develop early." "Which is why I just hung out with the male teachers." "Hold it." "Kelly's daughter is... 10?" "I thought she said she was only 8." "No, she's ten." "So that means that Kelly got married just after I left?" "Who, Kelly?" "No, it was just a few years ago." "Then the child's father is...?" "We always heard it was a sperm bank." "Never cared for the word "sperm. "" "Or "voila," just so you know." "Well, Gracie's not very happy with me right now." "I made a bunch of pistachio nut cookies for no reason if that'll cheer her up." "And we're back with Chuck's commentary in five," " four..." " But she's allergic to pistachios." "Ten years ago, I said good-bye to this city, but I always felt as if I'd left a little bit of myself here." "My career carried me across the country, but I soon became apparent..." "it soon became apparent... that something was missing." "Like a lone Allegheny warrior separated from his tribe... riding bareback and unprotected..." "I'm sorry Chuck, but we're just getting word that warehouse fire is now threatening" " S-t." "John's Children's Hospital." " Oh, thank God." "Chuck, what are you doing here?" " You alone?" " I'll be back at the station in 1-hour." " What is so urgent?" " May I?" "It's about your daughter." "Kelly..." "I have to know." "Am I the father?" "I should've known I couldn't keep it a secret." "I did fall in love with you that night." "And so did my eggs." "Yes, they sensed your greatness and came charging out of my ovaries like groupies." "It was Beatlemania in my uterus." "Are you out of your mind?" "!" "Well, okay, then." "It's not the craziest theory." "She was born the year I left, we share the same pistachio allergy, and you've been acting strangely ever since you heard I was coming back." " Who told you that?" " I'm not gonna rat anybody out." " I care about those people." " Was it Ryan?" "Which one's Ryan?" "If I was a little off this week, maybe it's because I had little anxiety about working with you again, Mr "I Had a Hippotamus" " I Kept Him In A Shed."" " Oh, for God's sake!" "Would you stop making me out to be such a monster?" "All right, Channel Seven has been courting me for months, and I think I am gonna take that job." "You can't take that job." "Come on, Kelly..." "We don't always get along but we've got chemistry." " Chuck." " Oh, we do!" "On-screen and off." "The audience felt it, we felt it, and on at least one occasion, that ottoman felt it." "Come on, don't you remember all the good times we had?" "That night of the blackout?" "The Toys for Tots remote where the tot with the moustache kept grabbing your ass?" "Come on." "You remember when we interviewed the mayor and he swallowed a fly, and he kept trying to act all dignified and he made that sound in his throat?" "I know you're thinking about it..." "What did that sound like?" "Come on." "That's it." "That's it!" "We kept trying not to laugh." "Then that pigeon landed on his head." "God that was funny." "Hello." "Oh, hi, honey." "Yes, it's right here..." "No, no, I'll bring it over to..." "Honey, no, no, no, wait!" " Chuck, can we talk about this later?" " You remember when you came" " and did the news after the dentist?" " That was funny." "You were great except for the letter "R."" " Chuck..." " You did that special on "wacism. "" ""It wuns thwough ah metwohpolis like a waging wiver. "" "Chuck, I need you to leave now!" "Now!" "Oh, my God." "You don't want me to see her, do you?" "She is mine, isn't she?" " Can we just please..." " Kelly." "If I'm her father, I deserve to know." "Why didn't you tell me?" "I tried to." "I left you those messages to call me." "That's when you thought I fell for you, and you left that touching message suggesting we just make a clean break of things." " Obviously I didn't know..." " Would it have made a difference?" "What would you done if you'd known?" "Move back here?" "Fly back on weekends?" "You'd be lying if you say you would!" "So, what do we do now?" ""We"do nothing." "I am not about to completely disrupt my daughter's life." "We've gotten along just fine all these years," " I'm not gonna ruin that." " Knowing me would ruin her life?" "What, you're suddenly ready to be a dad?" "I'm not saying that or anything at all." "I don't even know how I feel." "I've had all of 45 seconds to adjust being the father of an 8 year-old." " She's ten." " Well, you keep changing it!" "Okay, listen." "I'm going to make this easier for you, and believe me, it comes out of love." "You would suck as a father." "You are self-centered, you're dismissive, if you're not chasing after the next job, it's only because you're chasing after the next woman." "You know..." "I might point out here that your daughter could benefit from a strong, masculine figure in her life, but I see she already has one." "We might as well just move, because I'm the only one in school who doesn't get to see a movie that even Jenna's little brother can see, and he can't even put his shoes on." "And they're the Velcro kind." "Gracie, this is... my friend from work, Chuck Darling." "There's not even anything in it that's inappropriate." "A bunch of dirty word, and some guy shows his butt." "Would you let your daughter go?" "He doesn't get a vote, and he was just leaving." "But it was nice meeting you Gracie." "Take me with you." "Hello, Kelly, it's me." "I know I don't get a vote, and I'm sure you know this already, but... she's spectacular."