"Waaaaah!" "A lone arachnid against impossible odds, you say?" "Don't make me laugh!" "[laughs]" "Your kung-fu is no match for my spider" "Kiyah!" "Hiyah!" "Foot." "Better to pay attention than to pay for mistakes." "Better to have a coupon and not pay at all!" "[grunts]" "Wise and easy on the wallet." "[yells]" "Not for nothing, but my weekly sparring sesh with iron fist" "Is way un-zen today." "What is it with you?" "Patience takes practice," "And practice makes perfect." "The spirit of a k'un I'un warrior beats in you." "[grunts] yeah, speaking of beating," "I'm getting tired of this one." "Can I have my web-shooters back?" "'cause I'd like to start, you know, winning." "There is no dishonor to be found in one's abilities." "Your web-shooters are only a tool." "You are more." "Now, again!" "Kiyah!" "Ki-yo!" "Ki-ya!" "Ki" "You're not even paying attention, are you?" "There's something in the air." "That smell?" "It's just brooklyn." "No." "Change is coming." "Look out!" "Kiyah!" "Whoa!" "That, that was faster than my spidey-sense!" "A ninja?" "!" "No way!" "I've never kicked ninja booty before!" "This is no game." "Remember, "arrogance comes before the fall."" "And me without my web-shooooooooters!" "[spiderman yelling]" "Keee-yaaah!" "That was-- wow." "I've never seen you use that much power." "It isn't over." "Grab your web-shooters." "What about all that "using one's ability" talk?" "Repetition begets skill." "Neither lie in you against this assassin." "Did you just insult me?" "Hurry!" "There is no honor in you!" "Iron fist!" "[grunts] [yells]" "Spidey say, fists are nice," "But tools sure do come in handy sometimes." "While I can stand I will not stand for this!" "I will teach you the honor of k'un I'un!" "What he said!" "[yells]" "Yo, dim-jitsu!" "Your kung fu is strong," "But not as strong as that truck." "Buh-bye." "Thank you." "Don't thank me." "Tell me what the heck was up with that ninja and" "Daniel rand." "Is that papa fist?" "No, he's-- [sighs]" "I'm sorry, spiderman." "I don't have time to explain." "Thank you for allowing me to be a guest in your home." "Keep my worldly belongings." "I have no more need for them." "What's going on here?" "Who was that ninja dude who just handed us our bottoms?" "Why are you talking crazy?" "Who's the short-stack?" "He's come to take me home." "You have been a great friend." "Goodbye." "Home?" "The tricarrier's your home!" "Danny, this doesn't make sense!" "Even for you!" "May our paths cross again." "Namaste." "Uh, so yeah, we're not just gonna let this happen, right?" "Rand industries?" "That's funny, danny's last name is also rand." "I'm spidey-sensing a connection." "[commercial announcer] rand industries!" "America's leader in aerospace technology!" "Building a better tomorrow and beyond." "Has anyone seen my incense?" "Danny's loaded?" "!" "Why would danny dollar signs sleep on my floor?" "Zen or not, a floor's a-- he said I could have all his earthly possessions!" "[cash register dings]" "Time out." "Rich would rock," "But I'd lose danny." "Nope." "It wouldn't be enough!" "Obviously!" "Roll travel map!" "I'm not one to hitch a ride," "But as flies the iron fist, so goes the spiderman." "Though something tells me I should've packed a parka." "I wonder if s.H.I.E.L.D. Delivers." "Brrr!" "So this is the mystical city of k'un I'un?" "Bea-u-ti-ful!" "Even my spidey-sense is feeling groovy." "Whoo!" "And freezing!" "Note to self:" "Investigate spidey-thermals." "[yells]" "Intruder!" "Oh, no no no!" "No no!" "Visiting!" "Not intruding." "I'm actually here as mr." "Fist's plus one." "Y'know?" "Iron fist?" "Surfer dude?" "Bandana?" "Can I get some hot tea?" "No outside infidels may trespass on the sacred ground of k'un I'un!" "So much for hospitality!" "Whoa whoa whoa!" "How are you doing this without sleeves?" "I mean seriously." "Stand your ground and fight me with honor!" "[grunts] kiyah!" "Stop!" "He's my guest." "Iron fist, glad to see you have not grown soft and plump" "In the outside world, brother." "He's your brother?" "A brother in faith, not blood." "You have forgotten yourself, daniel." "If you throw your lot in with this fool," "You shall suffer the same fate!" "Gladly." "[gasps]" "He did that with his fingers?" "Does everyone here excel in the tail-kicking department?" "You have forgotten yourself, scorpion." "Scorpion?" "Oh!" "The tail and the angry and I-- I get it." "The infidel is under iron fist's protection." "We must honor this right by our own law." "Infidel is bad, right?" "Depends on your point of view." "You have an uncanny skill for being in the wrong place" "At the wrong time, my friend." "Yeah, I'm also good at listening to you" "Tell me what's going on, but let's do it inside." "[growls]" "This is the monastery, the spiritual center of k'un I'un." "And warm." "Don't forget warm." "Hello, daniel." "Spiderman." "Namaste, doctor." "Wait." "That was doctor strange!" "We're astral plane neighbors." "He comes by to borrow sugar." "Anyway" "No anyway!" "This may all seem normal to you," "But to spider-infidel it's totally bananas!" "A ninja attacks us." "You leave with a mystic sensei in a limo." "You're secretly a billionaire that drank all my orange soda." "I'm in a hidden realm!" "And doc strange just pops in" "To borrow sugar?" "Pretty much, yes." "Talk." "[sighs]" "K'un I'un is a very special place," "The mystical heart of the world, and as such," "It has been protected from the outside for centuries." "I was a wayward child who turned my back on one empire" "To embrace my destiny with another." "I was trained by the elders and told that one day" "I would usher in an era of peace as the king of k'un I'un." "[roars]" "So I trained in the ways of honor," "Defeated the dragon shou lao and earned the iron fist." "But to be king, I have to leave the outside world forever." "I was given one year to say my goodbyes" "And get my affairs settled." "Instead, I chose to learn." "With s.H.I.E.L.D., and you." "But the monks don't trust the outside world." "They believe it to be corrupt and without honor." "[sighs] that's ridiculous!" "We have the greatest heroes!" "I mean, they're outnumbered five to one by villains," "But we, we have some good tv." "And the corn dogs?" "There's much to learn from the outside," "But the monks are set in their ways," "And I am honor-bound to-- to-- [grunts]" "Danny, you don't look so hot." "Take the throne." "Worse, if I don't, scorpion is next in line." "K'un I'un would fall under his rule." "He has turned greedy and self centered." "And" "Danny!" "What's wrong?" "Don't know." "I cannot see." "It's all dark." "Spiderman, I'm blind!" "Hmm." "Daniel's blindness is only temporary." "However, he can not enter the contest." "Contest?" "Now there's a contest?" "Man, you guys have a lot of rules." "The return of shou lao." "It's the final test to prove I'm worthy to be king" "Or that you are not." "If my brother can not face the trial," "Then I become king by default" "Masters, am I not allowed" "To choose a champion to fight in my place?" "Of course you are, if you can find someone foolish enough to face me." "Ugh, I hate that guy." "And it's not because of the "scorpion" thing." "He could be called the teddy bear and I'd still hate him." "Choose your warrior and choose wisely." "I choose spiderman as my champion." "Who's talking about what now?" "This is an outrage!" "Outsiders have neither the purity, honor, nor skill to compete!" "But I have chosen, and the law is the law." "Agreed." "The spider faces the scorpion" "In the return to shou lao!" "[growls]" "Sounds k'un I'untastic." "Heh heh." "[crowd cheering]" "Don't take it personally." "You're a" "Infidel." "Yeah, got it." "First you taint this ceremony," "Now you taint our traditions?" "Your suit is offensive!" "So's your breath, but do I complain?" "No." "Because I am polite." "[crowd cheering]" "Warriors, remember that the return of shou lao" "Exposes the heart of any man" "Through both physical and mystical trials." "May you face them all with honor and courage." "[crowd cheering]" "One side, one side, let a spider through." "Grr!" "Whoo hoo!" "Yeah!" "Spider!" "Spider!" "Spider!" "What?" "For me?" "Now this is what I'm talking about!" "Spider!" "Spider!" "Spider!" "Huh?" "This is no game." "Remember, arrogance comes before the fall." "Ugh." "A little help here." "Guys--?" "Oh." "So the mystical challenges are like, illusions." "Could've mentioned that little detail, sensei danny!" "[muffled]" "I shall be k'un I'un's savior." "That looks like a long way down." "Huh?" "Wha?" "You're fast!" "Not in the head or anything, but still, wow." "Ooh, I caught it!" "And that's not grape jelly, is it?" "Kiyah!" "You're the ninja from the bridge!" "You were trying to keep danny from coming home!" ""ninja"?" "Only you would dare use so insufficient a term" "To describe a k'un I'un warrior!" "That is the longest way of saying yes that I have ever" "Gah!" "I have a snake on me!" "A final embrace before you leave this world" "And I take k'un I'un!" "[choking] starting to hate kung fu... [struggling] danny..." "Needs..." "Me..." "Patience takes practice, and practice makes perfect." "The spirit of a k'un I'un warrior beats in you." "Stay cool." "Focus." "Be still." "Be calm." "[breathes]" "Huh?" "Deadly snake finger trap?" "Not cool." "What do you get for the k'un I'unatic that wants everything?" "Kiyah!" "A k'unuckle-sandwich!" "Sorry I couldn't work 'l'un' into that one," "You know, nearly getting snaked and all." "You may be more skilled than I gave you credit for." "Why does everyone say that with such a surprised tone?" "The crown!" "No!" "I lied." "You are exactly the failure I would expect" "As I cross the finish line first!" "No different than the golden-haired outsider" "Who would dare be king." "Danny, I'm sorry." "I let you down." "Instead, a true son of k'un I'un will rule them all!" "Wait!" "You can't let your pride lead you!" "What is happening?" "You need to stay calm!" "You need to be patient!" "Help me!" "I can't breathe!" "That's it!" "The real finish line!" "Help me!" "Please!" "Help!" "[gasps]" "No, I don't like him either." "But you know I gotta save the jerk." "It's a good guy thing." "[grunts]" "You have to learn to zen out more, dude, for reals-- [grunts] how dare you touch me!" "[yells]" "Someone never learned to say "thank you" in ninja grade school!" "I win!" "I am king!" "K'un I'un is mine!" "No!" "Iron fist deserves that throne!" "The contest is over, my friend." "But danny" "The return of shou lao" "Goes to the warrior iron fist" "By proxy of his honorable champion the spider." "No!" "I crossed the finish line." "I claimed the throne!" "I am king!" "This was not a battle of physical nor combative skill." "Shao lao reveals the true heart of a man." "With honor comes victory." "We misjudged you, spider." "It appears that you could teach us a thing or two about humility." "And honor." "You chose wisely, like a king must." "This is not right!" "Brother, calm yourself." "You are worse than this impure outsider scum!" "You left paradise!" "You left us!" "You left me!" "Hiyah!" "[grunts]" "You think you can just come back and rule us?" "You're tainted!" "[grunts] [grunts]" "I left on a quest for knowledge to better myself." "You stayed, brewing in anger and spite." "That's why you attacked me in new york." "You knew he was the ninja?" "Of course I did." "We trained together for years." "But I'd hoped he might see the error of his ways" "Before it came to this." "If anyone has dishonored k'un I'un, it's you, scorpion." "Kiyah!" "Two iron fists?" "K'un I'un rewards the worthy." "He truly is the one." "Kiyah!" "Please." "Mercy." "I am sorry." "I was blind!" "Yes, you were." "You have much to learn." "And I sincerely hope you do, in exile!" "Wait!" "When did you get your eyesight back?" "Before the race." "But I did not need eyes to see" "I had picked an honorable champion." "So I'm, like, the chosen one?" "Let's not push it." "[spiderman] so, yeah." "Heh." "Talk about a kung-fu adventure." "I just call it "life."" "Have fun, y'know, ruling the kingdom and all." "[grunts] [coughs]" "Iron..." "Hug..." "Okay..." "I got ya." "We're buds!" "Oxygen, please!" "Daniel, we were thinking." "If more outsiders are like your friend," "Perhaps all of k'un I'un can benefit from our leader" "Walking among them, at least for one more year." "One year, then I will return to take the mantle" "I have so graciously been given." "Thank you, master." "Sweet!" "Lay one on me, sensei short-stuff!" "Aaaagh!" "Ugh!" "Ow." "[theme music plays]"