"Okay, Stanley, put a little peroxide on that before you go to bed." "Come back in about a week, and I'll take the stitches out, all right?" "Mmm." "All right." "Thanks." "Wow!" "It's wild in here this morning." "What's the afternoon like?" "Slow." "Hey, what a nice-looking baby." "Goochie, goochie, goochie, goo." "Goochie, goo." "What's her name?" "I don't know." "Where's the mother?" "I don't know." "You don't know?" "What do you mean, you don't know?" " She was there in the chair." " The mother?" "The baby." "The baby w-was in the chair?" "In the car seat." "Y-Y-You're telling me the baby was there on the chair in a car seat." "You have no idea who she is." "This was with her." "Is there anything in it?" "Any kind of I.D.?" "A note?" "She have any tags or anything?" "She has a "G."" "A what?" "It's a "G."" "A "G." Great." "That's terrific." "Here." "Wait." "What are you doing?" "Where are you going, Marilyn?" "Get talcum powder." "Hey, you'rejust gonna leave me with a baby?" " What am I supposed to do with a baby?" " Feed her." "You're fine." "Cradle cap." "Let me see you there." "No rash on the tush." "There's absolutely no indication of abuse or neglect." "She has nice eyes." "I wonder, what kind of person would abandon a baby like this?" "Oh, my parents." "Oh, right." "Yeah, sorry." "Yeah." "My mother left me wrapped in a blanket- or a coat- down by the stream... or near a tree." "Well, that was tacky of them, Ed." "But what your parents did is entirely different." " It is?" " Well, yeah." "I mean, as terrible as your abandonment was, your parents nevertheless left you in a supportive context." "I mean, you-you had a whole tribe to raise you." "Can I have that?" "Yeah, that's true." "Well, at least this baby's gonna have the very best in state-of-the-art medical attention." "Why?" "You mean?" "No, no, no, no." "Goochie, goo." "Just because the baby was left in my office, it doesn't follow that the baby now belongs to me." "Well, in Three Men and a Baby they kept the baby." "It changed their life forever." " That was a movie, Ed." "This isn't a movie." " That's true." "Not only is it irresponsible to leave a baby lying around, it's criminal." "It is?" "Don't you watch the news?" "People do all kind of horrible, brutal, terrible things to babies." "They-They burn them with cigarettes." "And they- they toss them in Dumpsters." "And-And- And flush 'em down toilets." "They do that?" "Yeah." "It happens all the time in New York." "I mean, not a lot of people, but it happens." "I mean, people sell their babies into slavery and pornography." "They leave 'em in the car seat, and they freeze to death." "They don't use the car seat." "They go flying through the windshield." "Oh, wow." "Yeah, Ed, wow." "Oregano." "Oregano." "Capers." "Capers." "Pancetta." "Come on, Dave." "Pancetta!" "What the hell are you trying to pull?" "This is not pancetta, Dave." "This is bacon." "And I specifically told you to order pancetta." "I'm sorry." "Sorry?" "These ingredients are modulated to create a perfect harmony." "And you come waltzing in here like some tone-deaf, low-life Elvis impersonator... throwing a B-flat into the middle of my A-sharp major concerto!" "And all you can say is, "I'm sorry"?" "Is there a problem, Adam?" "Problem?" "No, no, no." "I'm just halfway through a rollatini di vitello pomodoro, he gives me this." "Smells like all right bacon to me." "Yeah." "Well, I didn't ask for bacon!" "I asked for pancetta!" "It's Italian bacon." "It's nothing like bacon!" "It's c" " It's cured with salt." "It's not smoked." "It bastes the veal." "It keeps it from drying out." "There can be no substitute!" "Adam, I thought we had an understanding." "Nobody is forcing you to work here." "Oh, you think I want to work in that grease pit?" "Well- Eve is having a baby, all right?" "Do you have any idea how expensive it is to get a-a-a Bellini crib?" "An Aprica stroller?" "Bradley and Gamper birthing sessions?" "Adam, I appreciate the pressures you're under, but Dave is a fine short-order cook." "I can't have you stepping on his feelings." "I stepped on Dave's feelings?" "Yes, I'd say so." "How do you know?" "You watch a fellow scrape a grill for a couple of years, you get to know him pretty well." "Huh" " I'm sorry. I- l" " I've just been so, uh" "Tense?" "Tense?" "Wh-Why do you say that?" "Do I seem tense?" "Well, yes." "Well, recently, I" " I have been feeling, uh" "Maybe it's tense." "I" " I don't know." "You gonna make it through this next shift?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I'll be fine." "It's" " It's no problem." "Bacon, it's an interesting choice." "Yeah." "Yeah." "A lot of interesting possibilities for bacon." "Afternoon, Cicely." "Chris on K-Bear here." "I've got a little special in-studio guest today." "A little blue-eyed beauty, about six months old." "Anybody missing said item, you might want to pop into town here and pick her up." "Meanwhile, people, we've got a baby with no name." "Does that matter?" "Not really." "It's like Goethe said, "You are, when all is done, just what you are."" "Maybe on the other hand it does." "I mean, why have we been assigning monikers... since the beginning of language?" "In the beginning was the word." "Who would yours truly be if I were Mike in the Morning?" "Probably doing drive-time in Secaucus." "John the Baptist - would he have lost his head if he were Steve?" "I don't think so." "So, why don't we name this little one then, huh?" "She's got a "G" on the front of her outfit here." "It's a place to start." "Free oil change and a trip to Nome for the best suggestion." "It's like Lord Byron said, "Thrice happy he whose name has been well spelt."" "Bye-bye." "Shelly Marie Tambo- put on your party boots." "Tammy!" "Oh, I don't believe it!" "What are you doing here?" "Look at you." "You look so fabulous, hon." "Look at your hair." "God!" "Why didn't you call?" "You just waltz in here?" "You don't give me any warning?" "I know." "I know." "I was going to, and then" "Oh, I don't know." "Here I am." "Oh, I don't believe it." "Look at you." "Look at you." "Oh, Tammy, what are you doing here?" "Are you okay?" "I am choice, Shel." "Did that creep come in the middle of the night and tow the I ROC again?" "Honey- Tammy," "I told you-You're later than the 15th, they repo the car before the ink's dry on the check." "Shelly, will you stop?" "I got insurance." "I got a spare." "I cleared the Visa." "I came because I got something to show you." "Uh-huh." "Oh, my God." "When?" "Oh, last Sunday." "Oh, I don't believe it!" "Look at the size of that rock!" "Is it real?" "Almost." "Oh!" "I never thought a cheapskate like Dale would spring for a gigantic, almost-too-good-to-be-true rock like that." "Well, it wasn't Dale, hon." "No?" "Mm-mmm." "It was Kenny." "What happened to Dale?" "Well, can you believe it?" "I caught that tired old S.O.B. sneaking behind my back... with his old squeeze, Dawn." "And anyway, he never lifted a finger to help me around the trailer, so I threw him out." "Huh." "Who's Kenny?" "Oh, Shel." "He's in the army." "He's a mechanic." "He's just such a sweet pea, Shel." "He knows everything about cars." "We're moving to San Diego." "Cool." "Yeah." "He had to go to Fort Barad to get his stuff." "But then he's comin' up here." "You are not gonna believe what an unbelievable doll he is." "This is so amazing." "Holling, come here." "Look who's here." "Tammy!" "Pleased to meet you, Tammy." "Tammy, this is Holling." "Hi." "Hi." "You remember." "I told you all about Tammy." "Me and Cindy and Tammy - how we all hung out?" "Oh." "Tammy was the one who could eat six burritos at Senor Mario's and get the seventh one for free." "Huh." "Tammy." "You know, Holling, my mom." "Oh, my butt is still bumping on those Coney shocks." "You got somethin' to eat, hon?" "My stomach's talkin'." "Holling, get Mom a patty melt and a pitcher... and some of those chili fries with a side of cheese dip." "Oh, I can't believe it!" "Look." "Holling." "Oh, yeah." "Sure thing." "Oh, Tammy, it is humongous." "I know." "Here, try it on." "Tammy?" "You up there?" "Here, hon." " I brought you some party mix for your nightstand." " Oh, thanks." "Oh, and I got you a toothbrush." "Well, what do you think?" "That'll happy up his hoagie." "It's for you." "Take it." "For me?" "Mm-hmm." "Oh, Tammy, thanks." "I got a red one for Kenny, but I'm saving it for San Diego." "I can't wait for you to meet him, Shel." "You know, I didn't even plan on going to Montana." "But the deal with Dale was bumming me." "And then Marsha called, and she asked me to cruise down with her, 'cause she had to pick up her settlement check from the whiplash accident." "Mm-hmm." "Uh-huh." "So, we're pulling into Billings, and I get one of my, you know, psychic feelings?" "Really?" "Yeah." "I knew something was gonna happen, but I didn't know what." "So they were having this Desert Storm parade, and that's where I saw Kenny." "He was at the wheel of an A.P.C." "Armored Personnel Carrier." "Oh." "So, he sees me, and he gives me the eye." "You know what I mean?" "So, what happened then?" "Well, Marsha wanted to go to the Saddle Rash bar, which normally I wouldn't be caught dead in." "But I went anyway." "So you see how this whole thing was" "Fate." "Exactly." "So I'm playing eight-ball with this feed lot manager, and I swear I could feel someone behind me watching me." "Wow." "We just hit it off right away." "We talked and we danced and we kissed so much... my lips were swelled up for a week." "But still, it was like- he was this army guy and" "You know how they are." "Plus, besides, he was transferring down to San Diego, and I had my career at the phone company, my trailer, my friends." "But to tell you the truth, hon." "All I could think of was Kenny." "I'd just stare at the phone and wait for it to ring." "And then one night" "I hung up after he called, you know, and I said to myself, "Tammy, this is not what life is about." "This is not all there is."" "The rest you know." "My oven's lit for life." "Wow." "You know, Shelly's mother's an excellent dancer." "Pleasing sense of rhythm." "Very nice shape too." "Very nice." "You know, I don't recall anybody's mother looking like that in my day." "Do you?" "No, sir." "When I think of mothers, it kind of conjures up an image of, uh" "Barbara Bush." "Boy, this joint's jumping." "Hey." "Hi, Sweetie." "An I.C.U. and a boilermaker." "Comin' right up." "Put your eyes back in their sockets, Maurice." "Shelly, I'm just admiring your mother's expertise on the dance floor." "Yeah." "Tammy really can shake some booty." "She's still got the tightest buns in Saskatoon." "You don't say." "Just last year, she won the wet T-shirt finals over at Gary's on the Highway." "And that was the pan-province competition." "Is that a fact?" "You know, I think I met Tammy... at the Miss Northwest Passage contest." "Uh-huh." "She coached me on talent." "Really?" "I thought that was your sister." "Well, she's like a sister." "No doubt she'd have no trouble passing as one." "No doubt about that." "Hey, Adam" " Uh, look." "Excuse me." "I hate to bother you." "But I gotta tell you, y-your trippa alla parmigiana" "I mean, you-you've taken tripe, this lowly stomach muscle, and you've elevated it to gastronomical heights heretofore unknown." "You may be a borderline personality with enough pathologies to fill the D.S.M., but I got to tell you, boy, you can cook." "Oh, thanks." "What?" "What?" "I just complimented you on your cooking, and you said, "Thanks."" "I did?" "Yeah." "No, I didn't." "Yes, you did." "Y-You-You said, "Thanks."" "So?" "So?" "What does that mean?" "So, you were being nice." "Nice?" "No, I wasn't." "Yeah, you were." "Well, "nice"?" "What does that mean?" "Define your terms." "l-I don't know." "Whenever I've initiated conversations before, especially about your cooking, you usually reach for a sharp object and threaten to kill me." "I do, don't I?" "Yeah." "Do I look like me to you?" "Yeah, more or less." "Well, I may look like me, but somebody, or something, is inhabiting my body." "Oh-Wh-What are you talking about?" "I'm talking about not being me." "l-I don't have the same thoughts, th-th-the same feelings, my likes and dislikes." "l-I mean, I never worried before." "I worry about everything now." "What do you mean?" "About what?" "Everything." "All the time." "I mean, job security, other people's insecurities." "And something else, I" " I can't cook anymore." "l-I don't want to cook." "I mean, l-l-I'm lost, man." "I" " I have no center." "I can't be in a kitchen now." "The sight of food, the smell, l-l" "You feel nauseous?" "Yeah, nauseous, sometimes. I" "Do you have a fever?" "Headache?" "No." "It's-It's like more of a- of a light-headedness." "What, dizzy?" "No, n-not dizzy so much." "It-It's like- Congested?" "No." "No." "I'm" " I'm like" "It's like I'm" " I'm... happy." "Happy?" "Haven't you been listening to me?" "I was nice to you, Fleischman." "I cooked with bacon." "I apologized to Dave, and I felt good about it." "I mean, something's very wrong." "It's" " It's" " It's very, very wrong." "Ah." "Hey, it's Chris in the Morning." "Couple ofbillboard items." "Theosophy Society holds its annual bake sale and radiator flush... in front of the bingo hall this weekend." "Oh, guess what?" "Ernie and Estelle's potbellied pig Martha... gave birth to four fat, healthy piglets." "Congratulations, you guys." "Speaking of babies, the owners of our own Baby "G" are still a no-show." "But don't forget you got till the end of the week to get in your "name the baby" postcard." "Here's one from Anonymous over in Chagulak." ""Kathy." That's nice, Anonymous." "It's simple." "It's easy to spell." "Let's take a minute to stop and smell the soft spot, though, shall we?" "Yeah, Bill Shakespeare says, "What's in a name?" But you tell that toJuliet." "Here we go. "Gertrude." Well, you stuck to the G's." "Gertrude, spear maiden, bearer of slain souls of the warriors of Valhalla." "It's a heavy burden for a small package, don't you think?" "What have we got over here?" ""Gilda." Now that's interesting- servant of God." "No pressure there on a modern young woman, huh?" "To all my Gildas out there, this song's for you." "You know, if I'd had a daughter, I would have named her Faith." "That's a really nice name." "It seems kind of strange coming from an atheist, doesn't it, honey?" "But you never know." "Well, look who's here, sweetheart." "Good morning, Adam." "What?" "Can I help you with something?" "It is, isn't it?" "It's what?" "A good morning." "Yes, it's a lovely morning." "You know, I've never given much thought as to whether a morning was good or bad." "I've always been sort of indifferent to mornings." "What's this?" "That's a baby." "I didn't know you had a kid." "It's not mine, Adam." "I'm 75 years old." "Oh." "A baby, huh?" "Look at that- 10 fingers and two little feet." "It just sort of lies there and then" "What?" "Looks around." "Is that it?" "Well, pretty much." "Mm-hmm." "Huh." "And this is how you take care of an infant?" "Leaving it on a counter where it can roll off and break its neck?" "Look, Adam." "I raised two boys, and they survived me just fine." "Hmm." "My Camembert come in yet?" "Mm-hmm." "It's in the back." "I'll get it." "Oh, you have a letter from Eve." "Well, hallelujah!" "My better half." "My oh-so-obsessively pregnant beloved has taken time to unplug herself... from the ultrasound machine and send me a fax." "I don't believe this." "She's going with the disposables." "You think you know a woman, and then one whiff of the diaper pail, she figures to hell with the whole planet!" "Come again." "Disposables do not biodegrade." "She knows that." "What about the ecosystem?" "What about the tuna?" "I mean, the ancients left us the pyramids." "What's our legacy gonna be, huh?" "Mountains of-of plastic baby wipes and chemical seep, not to mention the toxic effect on the behind of my unsuspecting progeny." "Here's the cheese." "Good." "It's nice and runny and ripe." "Oh, my dear Lord!" "Ohh, that smell." "Hello there, young man." " What can I get you?" " Uh, I'll take a coke, sir." "I'll take a bag of pretzels if you got it." "Okay." "I tell you." "I've been driving for two solid days." "Is that right?" "That's some road you got up here." "Ran into some permafrost damage, did ya?" "Yes, sir." "About a hundred and fifty miles of it." "Almost tore the tranny right out of my car." "l-I stuck in a bottle ofTechtron, to clean out my fuel injectors, they were choking' on some bad gas." "What do you drive?" "Land Cruiser." "Good vehicle." "Is it a 4x4?" "That's the one." "You've come some distance." "Sir, I'd go all the way to the end of the world for my baby." "Baby?" "Six months?" "Big blue peepers?" "Uh, no- no, sir." "She's a little older than that." "I'm, uh, supposed to be meeting her here." "Tammy Tambo." "Tammy?" "Yeah." "You must be Kenny." "Yes, sir." "Kenny Kavashay." "Holling Vincoeur." "Oh, so you must be Shelly's hunk of burning love." "That's right." "Tammy told me her sister found herself an older man." "Mmm, sister?" "Well, I guess that makes us, um, brother-in-laws." "Well, almost." "Pleasure to meet you, sir." "I've been looking forward to it." "Is, uh" " Is Tammy around?" "Oh, she'll be back directly." "She and Shelly went out to look at the town." "You know, Tammy - she told me you wouldn't put your neck in the noose." "Eh" " I understand." "It's a big step." "Yeah, well" " But l-I'd also tell you that any guy lucky enough to get himself a Tambo- he'd be nuts if he didn't make it legal." "No offense, sir, but Tammy's about the best single thing... that ever happened to me, bar none." "Her and the United States Army." "Oh, boy, I tell you" "I kind of miss that little stick of dynamite." "It's been almost a week, you know what I mean?" "Leg warmers." "Oh, no." "Kenny!" "Oh, sweet cakes, you're here.!" "Tammy." "Oh, baby." "Oh, God, I missed you." "Me too." "That must be Kenny." "Yep." "So, anyway, I'm in Billings." "And I got nothing to do." "I got no way out." "And remember, me and my buds are sitting there watching the Cotton Bowl." "And that ad came on- "Be all you can be."" "So we went right on down there and signed up." "Boy, I'll tell you, when I saw the Gulf of Oman, it was unbelievable." "I mean, it's like a whole different world out there." "Mm-hmm." "I was with the 48th Mechanized Battalion." "We maintained the Abrams tanks." "Key to the ground offensive." "It was something." "Wow." "Yeah." "But the war ended, and..." "I'm back in Billings on leave." "It's like it never happened." "So what?" "Big deal, right?" "And that's when I met this little treasure box." "Ahh." "Tammy Tambo and the Persian Gulf." "How lucky could a guy get?" "Excuse me." "You folks like anything else here?" "I'll take another C.C., Dave." "And why don't you freshen up the ladies' Tom Collins?" "Two cherries this time, okay?" "Okay." " Next round's on me, sir." " You guys come to San Diego." "We'll get down." "We'll get a couple of buckets, a pony keg." "We'll take you for a tour of the base too." "Kenny can get some real good deals at the P.X., can't you, hon?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, for sure." "It's too bad you folks can't stay on here for a few extra days." "I could show you the Kamsepset sinkhole." "It's one the most fascinating natural phenomenons that we have around here." "In the summer, when the drainage subsides, it affords access to this three-mile cavern... in which I found some century-old Indian artifacts." "That's great, hon." "I remember the first song we ever danced to." ""Paradise City." Oh, great song." "Great album." "Yeah." "Remember when Appetite for Destruction came out, Shel?" " Sure do." " Hmm." "You ever tell Holling about Slash?" "Slash?" "Check this out." "Shelly and me, we're coming back from the roller rink, and we see this guy standing by the side of the road." "So much hair you could hardly see his face." " Slash?" " So we pick him up, and he is one lost dude." "All he knows is he's somewhere in North America." " Wow." " Hey, it gets better." "So, he says he plays lead in this new band." "And we say, "Well, everyone who's got a Fender has got a band."" "And he says, no." "Their new album's coming out." "It's gonna be major." "Yeah, sure." "They're startin' on tour." "They're opening for White Fang." "Slash?" "Yeah." " So, we drive him to Winnipeg." " Wow." "All the way from Saskatoon." "Well, he says he's got to be there." "They're playing the Beaver Dome." " Did you go?" " To the concert?" "No." "How come?" "Well, number one, I thought the whole thing was B.S." "And number two, Shelly already missed two days of school." "School?" " I graduated early." " Oh." "Anyway, three weeks later, the album comes out, and Slash's picture is right on it." "God, it's too much." "Doll, can you put some more change in the jukebox?" "Something slow this time." "I think they got that Chris Isaak on there." "Oh, "Wicked Game,"" "my first-time song." "Hey, why don't you two come join us?" "In a minute, okay?" "Okay." "What are you doing here?" "Who are you, the Grand Inquisitor?" "A person can't make a simple social call without getting a full interrogation?" "I'm" " I'm" " I'm here." "Well, now that we've established that, why are you cleaning the ashtray?" "Why am I what?" "Cleaning the ashtray." "I don't smoke." "Well, it- it was dusty." "Look, Fleischman, if you want to live like a pig, it's fine with me." "I'm just straightening out a little bit." "Why can't you just shut up and be grateful?" "Look at you." "You're being nice." "You're cleaning." "You might ask yourself why." "All right, I give up." "Why?" "I'll tell you why." "Couvade syndrome." " What?" " Couvade syndrome." "It's, um, sympathetic pregnancy." " What?" " Yeah, it's not uncommon." "I mean, it's not not uncommon, but it happens." "The aversion to food, the sudden fits of euphoria and depression, and n-now the pillow fluffing and dusting." " You're nesting." " Nesting?" "Uh-huh." "Me?" "I'm" " I'm nesting?" "Yeah." "You're feathering the nest." "You're preparing to hatch." "Couvade comes from "couver," which is, uh, French for "hatch. '"" "And sometimes men, to mask the anxiety they have over their mate's pregnancy, will displace the feelings with physical manifestations of pregnancy itself." "Yeah, or they relieve their anxiety by tearing out the throats... of two-bit quacks expounding psychobabble just to hear themselves talk." "Hey, it's just a hunch." "Couvade syndrome." "It's" " It's interesting." "Tammy, you decent?" "Mind if I borrow back my night cream?" "Where's Kenny?" "He's down playin' darts." "He's a cutie pie, isn't he?" "Yeah." "What do you think, the plum or the cherry?" "Plum." "It'll match the wine stain you got on my angora sweater." "That's ancient history, Shelly." "I know." "It's no big deal, even if it was my favorite sweater and a present from Wayne." "I asked you not to wear it, and you wore all of my clothes all of the time." "What's going on here, Shelly?" "What's going on?" "Well, if you don't know, Tammy, I'm not gonna tell you." "And I'm not your older sister either." " So?" " So, you're my mother, Tammy." "Well, don't you think I don't know that?" "Well, if you do, then how come you never act like one?" "I'm the one who had to pay the phone bill." "I'm the one who had to get the cat dipped." " I'm the one who had to stand in line all night for front-row tickets." " I would have done it." "I'm sick and tired of being your older sister, Tammy." "It's not true." "And it's lying." "And it's wrong." "And I'm not gonna do it anymore." "I'm gonna tell Kenny, Shelly." "Yeah, right." "I am!" ""I, poor, miserable..." ""Robinson Crusoe, being shipwrecked during a dreadful storm," ""came on shore on this dismal, unfortunate island," ""all the rest of the ship's company being drowned," ""and myself almost dead." ""My thoughts were now wholly employed about securing myself against either savages," ""if any should appear, or wild beasts, if any were in the island."" "You know," "I was just thinking about Malcolm when he was a baby." "He was my brother." "He always wanted to play with my gym shoe." "That's the only toy he wanted." "You could give him an expensive rattle, a whole train set." "He wanted no part of it." "He just wanted that shoe." "I remember once, he got whooping cough." "That was terrible." "He got over it." "Of course, he's dead now." "Let's see here." "Oh, yeah, this is a good part." ""In a little time, I began to speak to him..." ""and to teach him to speak to me." ""And first, I made him know his name should be Friday," ""which was the day I saved his life." ""I likewise taught him to say, "Master'... and then let him know that was to be my name."" "This just in from the U.S. Weather Service." "Millibar's at 10.30, mercury at 30.2 and rising." "In other words, Cicely, it's a beautiful morning." "You know, I was thinking about this name thing, and old Mr. Anonymous once said," ""Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me."" "Why then did Frederick Austerlitz change his moniker to Fred Astaire?" "Grigory Novykh to Rasputin?" "Would Dada have "Dada'd" by Emmanuel Rudnitzky and not Man Ray?" "James Jewell Osterberg- would he roll our rock like Iggy Pop?" "What about Sid Vicious?" "Would his candle have gone out at 22 if he had gone byJohn Ritchie?" "Food for thought." "Chow down, Cicely." "It's gettin' warmer, babe." "Have you seen Tammy this morning, Shel?" "She's probably sleeping' in." "She's not in her room." "And her bed is made." "Her bed's made?" "She left this." ""Dear Shelly," ""I'm sorry I made a real mess of things." ""But what else is new, right?" ""I don't blame you for getting mad at me." ""I just wanted to come and visit, and for you to meet Kenny." ""And up until last night, we had a real good time." ""I just wish I could get it right for once." "Love, Tammy."" "Does Kenny know?" "He's looking for Tammy." "I tried to hold it in, Holling." "Honest, I did." "But her room was a mess, and she was using my polish." "And I" " I just blew my stack." "I can't find her." "Her car's right over there, but nobody's even seen her." "She could be halfway across the state by now." "Last time we had a fight, she hitched all the way to Calgary before she even called me." "Is she still hitchhiking?" "I told her about that." "I just came back from the store with her styling gel, and she was gone." "I didn't do anything, Shelly." "I swear I didn't." "We'll find her, Kenny." "If anything happens to Tammy, I swear," "I'll fall down and die." "I swear to God I will." "Now, I am not saying that a jar of turkey finger sticks... doesn't hit the spot every once in a while." "Even I take a spoonful of peanut butter right out of the jar now and again." "Yeah, I do." "But you have to realize, this year is crucial for you." "Your little taste buds are developing." "Now, is it gonna be white bread and bologna with the paint-by-number crowd?" "Or are you gonna fill your palate with the more complex colors?" "Well, it's about time." "Where the hell have you been?" " What are you doing with the baby?" " I'm feeding her." "What's it look like?" "What's that smell?" "It's liver." "Liver?" "You cooked liver?" "What happened to your nausea?" "It's gone." "I feel almost good- in fact, almost better than good." "That's interesting." "Very." "The timing's right." "Eve's entering her second trimester." "It stands to reason you should be too." "You think?" "Well, you say you feel almost good?" "Yeah." "I feel healthy, energized, aglow." "Creative?" "Profoundly." "Sounds like second trimester happy hormones to me." "Hmm." "What happens during the third trimester?" "Uh, hemorrhoids, heartburn, lower back pain, swollen ankles, shortness of breath, extreme fatigue, brittle fingernails." "Yeah, l-I'd" " I'd enjoy it while you can." "Huh." "Well, feed her some squash and some pureed peas." "She likes bananas too." "Mash up one for her dessert." "Wait a minute." "Where are you going?" "You can't leave me with this." "My lady is carrying my progeny." "My wife needs me, Fleischman." "An emotional pull your life is too impoverished to provide." "Now, the diapers are clean." "The, uh, bottles are sterilized in the drainer." "And there's a Pop-Tart in the toaster." " Pop-Tart?" " Yeah, cherry." " Pop-Tarts?" " I was busy, all right, caring for that child you're not feeding." "Put a bib on her, will you?" "And try not to choke her." "But- You know, when I couldn't cook," "I thought my life was finished." "I mean, gastronomy was my entire life, my- my whole identity, my reason for being." "But I've discovered I'm more than just the greatest chef in the world." "I am also a husband, and soon a father- a breadwinner, a teacher, an example." "Ciao." "Hi." "Hi." "Butter flavor?" "How'd you find me?" "Usually when you take off, you go to the mall or the movies." "We don't have a mall." "I'm sorry, Shelly." "I truly am." "You were right." "I wasn't any mom." "Not a real mom." "I never gave you a curfew." "You never got grounded like the other girls." "I never made you eat spinach." "I hate spinach." "Man, we never even had a fight." "Except that time you thought I was comin' on to Ernie." "Were you?" "No." "I don't know." "Maybe." "Anyway, it was wrong- and I shouldn't have done it." "Oh, Tammy." "Come on." "I didn't care about Ernie then, and I don't care about him now." "You were a great mom." "I was?" "The best." "I was so proud of you." "You were?" "Mm-hmm." "You were so together." "The hair, the nails, the clothes." "Well, look at you, you're still tight as a drum." "All my friends thought you were the coolest." "They all wished you were their mom." "I mean, who else's mom knew how to head bang?" "No, I was too young when I had you, Shelly." "I was young and foolish and stupid." "Things are gonna be different now." "I'm gonna go back home." "I'm gonna forget about Kenny." "And I'm never gonna be irresponsible again in my life." "Come on, Tammy." "I don't want you to be responsible." "No?" "No." "If you wouldn't have been irresponsible, you wouldn't have gotten knocked up and had me." "I wouldn't even be born." "That's true." "Ohh- Ohh, Shelly." "Tammy." "Mmm." "How did Kenny take it, about the mother-daughter thing?" "He went ballistic, didn't he?" "I didn't tell him." "You didn't?" "If a chick's got 10 daughters or a hundred daughters, they're her daughters." "It's nobody else's damn business." "I'm gonna tell him, Shelly." "I am." "I know, Mom." "I know." "Hey, Marilyn, look at this." "It's the world's smallest sweat suit." "I figure as long as she's here, she might as well have some decent clothes to wear." "Where is she?" "She's gone." "What, Ed picked her up already?" "I" " I promised I'd take her to the park." "The mother came." "What do you mean?" "What mother?" "Wait- The real mother?" "Come on, Marilyn." "That's not funny." "Where's the baby?" "There's no baby." "Marilyn?" "You just let somebody come in here a-and take her?" "How'd you know it was the mother?" "It" "It could have been anybody." "It could have been a - a baby snatcher, a lunatic." "It was the mother." "Yeah, even if it was the mother, what kind of mother was that?" "Leaves a baby i-in a strange place with a bunch of strangers." "Three diapers and a baby bag." "How do we know she's not gonna do it again?" "She could leave her at some truck-stop gas station... or a- a scenic overlook by the side of road." " She won't." " Maybe she won't, Marilyn, but she did." "She knew we'd take care of her." "As Baby "G" came to us, today she also left." "Come to find out, her name's Barbara Jean." "That little "G" on her suit, a hand-me-down from brother George." ""Barbara," it's interesting." "It comes from the Greek, meaning stranger." "She came to us a stranger, but she left with another name, friend." "A lot of dichotomy in such a small package." "What's the need to name, but the need to claim, to call a thing, conjure it, make it your own?" "Angel Bailey, sixth grade." "Rose tattoo on her shoulder, gravity switchblade." "How many times did I write her name in the margins of my notebook?" "Over every page of every textbook." ""Angel loves Chris." "Chris loves Angel."" "Angel." "Angel." "Angel." "They didn't have graffiti then, but if they did, man, I'd have" "I'd have tagged every bus and bridge in Wheeling, West Virginia." "What's in a name?" "In the case of Angel, volumes." "I think Kenny's gonna be a steadying influence on your mother." "She says the sex is dynamite." "That's nice." "One of the three legs that hold up love's stool." "Sex, liking his brain, then kind of accepting who he is, because you're never gonna change him anyway." "Come on." "Let's go say bye." "... that sign at the edge of town?" "Tammy, did you remember your hair dryer and your tarot cards?" "They were on the floor in the bathroom." "Got 'em right here." "Here's your sweater." "But I'm borrowing your Nirvana tape, okay?" "You better hold onto it." "You may run into some weather." "Well, I can mail it back from California." "I won't need it there." "We're gonna leave the tires a little flat till we get past the Trans-Alaska." "Cuts down on the bounce." "I'm not saying good-bye." "I hate 'em." "Me too." "Well, you folks are gonna come down and visit, aren't ya?" "Wouldn't miss it." "Hope you two are coming back for the salmon run." "Oh, you bet, sir." "That'd be something to see." "I made you some cookies." "Ahh." "Double Toll House." "My favorite." "Now, you call me when you get to San Diego, so I know you made it in one piece." "I will." "And if you don't like it, and you want to come home, it's okay." "You just tell me." "There'll be a plane ticket in the mail." "Ah, don't worry so much, Shelly." "You know I do." "I love you." "I love you." "Good-bye, sir." "Take care of yourself, Kenny." "Tammy!" "Tammy." "Seat belt." "Okay." "See you in San Diego.!" "Whoo.!"