"Welcome to the Best of Rock Profile." "We'll look back at our favourite interviews with some of the greatest legends in rock and pop." "But first, here's Elton John." " I'm not doing it!" "Who put those flowers there?" " You did." "Don't care!" "I'm not doing it!" "I hate interviews." "That Jamie Theakston's an abomination!" " I know." "He's an abomination." " I'm an abomination." "I'm sorry." " Please, can we do the interview?" " Where's my gift?" " If you sit down, we'll give it to you." " Right." " OK, close your eyes." " Right." " No peeking." " Right." " Put your hands out." " Right." "There we go." "Look at that." "I love it!" "Oh, I love it!" "Aw!" "Has it got a name yet?" "Oh, I'll call it Doggy." "Oh, I love it." "Right, put it in the bin." "Now, what do you wanna know?" "Both of you have done Bond themes." "Tom, you did "Thunderball"." "Shirley, you've done three Bond themes." "How did that come about?" "I am the voice of Bond, dahling." "# The diamonds, they are forever, sah... #" "# The Moonraker kno-ows... #" "# The Goldfingah... # All the songs, my dahling." "You didn't do 'em all." "I did "Thunderball"." "I think you're mistaken." "That's one of mine." "# The Thunderballs are forever, sah... #" " What do you think of the more recent efforts?" " "GoldenEye"?" "Tina doesn't have the range." "Tina, I love you, but you don't have the range." "I've met Tina Turner." "You know, he said I had the greatest voice of my generation." " He?" "Tina Turner?" " Tina Turner, the 18th-century highwayman." "You mean Dicky Turpin, dahling." "Still, Turpin." "I'm particularly fond of Garbage's "The World is not Enough"." "I love Manson, but she doesn't have the range." " Sheryl Crow?" " Doesn't have the range." "# Tomorrow never die-ies... # That's how it should be." " Is there anyone you like?" "Gladys Knight?" " She doesn't have the range." " Sheena Easton?" "Paul McCartney?" " She doesn't have the range." " Shirley Bassey?" " She doesn't have the range." "Sorry, Shirley." " But that's you." " I don't care." "I don't have the range." "I'll tell you who I've met." "Tom Jones." "Smashing knockers." "Tom, your work featured in "The Full Monty"." "Oh, I've seen that film." "Pure fantasy." " What do you mean?" " It's nonsense." "People aren't unemployed." "There's no such place as Sheffield." "Rubbish." "You don't even see their cocks at the end." "What a lot of people, Elton, might not realise, is that all of your lyrics were written by one man." " Me." " No, Bernie Taupin." "Oh." "Who?" "Oh, Bernie Taupin." "I thought you said Bernie Taupin." "Bernie Taupin." "Yeah, well, he writes the lyrics and I put them to music." "It works quite well." "I'll show you." "Bring me that piece of paper over there, my partner David Furnish." "Here are some words he faxed me only this morning." "(CLEARS HIS THROAT, PLAYS PIANO)" "# Sorry I didn't manage to get any lyrics to you today" "# I'll see what I can do to-mar-row-wah" "# P.S. My video's on the blink" "# Can ya tape "Lovejoy" for me?" "#" "The man's a genius." " Everybody all right for nibbles?" " Yeah." " Gary, can we play a game?" " Yeah, while we're waiting for the others." " I'm gonna kill them." " We should go." " No, they ARE coming!" " Can we play the Take That game?" " Jamie don't want to play that." " No, I'm fine." "You've twisted me arm." "Howard, get it out." "The game I mean, not your penis." "Gary, there's empty Quavers packets stuck behind the radiator." "Howard, bring me the game." "So, is this Take That game available in the shops?" "No, not yet, but Waddington's might pick it up." " Right, who's gonna be who?" " I'll be Gary Barlow, please." " Who do you want to be?" " Er..." "I'll be Howard Donald." "There is no Howard Donald piece." "Oh." "I don't mind." "You choose." "OK, you can be Jason Orange." "I'll be Lulu." " So, um..." "How do we play?" " There are 28 squares representing the top 40." "The winner is the first person to get to number one." "You can start." "Roll the dice." "Four." "Right." "One, two, three, four." "Pick a card." "Oh!" ""You play the gay clubs." "Throw again." You're good at this, aren't you?" "There you are." "What did we get?" "A five." "One, two, three, four... five." ""Make a video where you are covered in oil and squirty cream." "Miss a turn."" "My go." "Get a six, get a six, get a six." "Six!" "Which one am I?" "Gary Barlow..." "Right." "One, two, three, four, five... six." ""Robbie Williams ruins it and leaves and ruins it." "Career over, end of game!"" "Everybody all right for nibbles?" "What's next for Tom Jones and Shirley Bassey?" " I'm going on tour." " So am I." " I'll be doing all the songs." " So will I." " So many hits." " So have I." " # Kiss me, honey, honey, kiss ME!" "# - "It's Not Unusual."" " # Hey, big spen-DAH!" "# - "Delilah."" " # I am what I AM!" "# - "Green, Green Grass of Home."" " All the hits. # What now, my LOVE?" "# - "Young, New Mexican Puppeteer."" " So many, dahling. # Some-THING!" "# - "A Boy from Nowhere."" " # I who have no-THING!" "# - "I Who Have Nothing."" " # I am what I AM!" "#" " You've had that one." " # My, my, my, Delilah!" "#" " That's one of mine." " So many hits. # Happy birthday to you #" " That's not one of yours." " # Oh, Bodyform!" "Bodyform for YOU!" "#" " Bloody fruit and nut, she is." " # Everyone's a fruit and nut CASE!" "#" " Shut up." "# Fried onions rings?" "You'll have to wait and see." "# We hope it's chips, it's chips!" "Um..." "So, Tom..." "Do women still throw their underwear at you when you're on stage?" "Oh, yes." "I go round with a bin bag and pick 'em all up." "If they're from MS, I can take 'em back and swap 'em for a nice jumper or something." "They know me and they give me gift vouchers." "But they won't take them if they're skiddy." "Right." "Shirley, how about you?" "Do men throw their pants at you on stage?" "They try, but they don't have the range." "OK." "Well, Tom Jones and Shirley Bassey, thank you both very much." "So, please, ladies, do check before you throw." "Let's start with "Saturday Night Fever", Robin." "Looking back, what are your memories?" " Robin?" " He won't speak to you." " I'm sorry?" " He won't speak to you." "Mother always left me in charge." "He won't speak to you without my permission." " Neither will Number 3." " You mean Maurice?" " I think that's how you know him." " That's not fair." "We came to interview you all." "Of course it's fair." "I'm the older brother by ten months, and Mother left me in charge." " He's right, Jamie." " Silence, Number 3!" "We have a system." "When I clap my hands twice, Number 3 will speak." "Thrice claps and he will stop." "Like so." "We grew up in Keppel Road." "We were always getting into scrapes and we were asked to leave." " You see?" " And what about Robin?" "When it's Robin's turn to speak, I blow the whistle." "Like so." "And then Robert Stigwood called and asked if we would like to record the soundtrack..." "And two blows for "stop"." "I dare say you had a similar system in your own family, Jamie?" "No." "We were kind of encouraged to speak when we wanted to, really." "That explains a lot." "Our system works for us." "I hear tell the Nolans operate a system of weights and pulleys." "That works for them." "5ive Star, on the other hand, use a knife." "Whoever has the knife can speak." "If you wish to speak, you wrestle the knife off your sibling." " And I suppose the Osmonds have a whip (!" ")" " Don't be ridiculous." "They use voodoo mind control." "# And we've come so far And we hoped for more... #" " Be nice to see all the boys again." " They won't be pleased to see you." " Why not?" " They never liked you." " Oh, did they not?" " No." "They used to think you were a bully." "They used to whisper names behind your back." "I heard 'em. "Bully Barlow."" " That's YOUR name." " Oh?" "They're not coming, are they?" "We should go." "Oh, no, Jamie." "Some thugs and vandals are rubbishing your car." "You'd better go and put a stop to this thing." " Where's his phone?" " What?" "There's nothing wrong with his car." "Mariah Carey, Boris Yeltsin, David Yip, Ann Widdecombe, Robbie Williams." "It's ringing." "Hello, Rob?" "Jamie Theakston here." "Appleton sisters, "Top of the Pops", blah-blah-blah." " I'm having a party." " Mention Frazzles." "Now." "Oh, all famous people and that." " Mention Frazzles." " I'm on the phone!" "Where do I live?" "Er..." "Room 32, YMCA, Coventry." "See you later, then." " He's on his way." "Who else shall we invite?" " Does he know Scooby-Doo?" " My phone!" " It was Howard Donald!" " No, it was Gareth Barlow." " There is no reunion." " Oh, yes, there is." " No." "You made it up to get on telly." " I've got it all made." " You're a liar, a bully, you've got no talent." "Don't let him talk to you like that, Howard." " I'm leaving." " Robbie Williams is definitely coming." " Don't make me laugh." " Hey!" "Where's the party?" "I'm here with pop maestros Björn and Benny from ABBA." "Welcome to Rock Profile." " Hey!" " No problem, guys." " This is the biggest show in England, right?" " Yeah, it's..." "Yeah." "Um..." "I'm going to interview Frida and Agnetha later." " Yeah, we was married to them." " That's right." "Which one was I married to?" " Was it the blonde one?" " No, I was married to the blonde one." " Yes, I was married to the one with the beard." " Let's not worry about that right now." "Let's start at the beginning." "In 1974 you won Eurovision with "Waterloo"." "Yeah." "Oh, it was amazing." "We didn't expect to win." "It was such an uncommercial song." " Really?" " Yes, very controversial." "We were shocked it wasn't banned." "Listen to the lyrics." "It's about nuclear disarmament." "People don't realise our songs are political." " What? "Dancing Queen"?" " About the fall of communism." "I always thought it was about a dancing queen." " A metaphor, dum-dum." " What is "Mama Mia" about?" " Mummies?" " Vietnam." " "Winner Takes it All"?" " Jimmy Tarbuck." ""Gimme a Man After Midnight"?" "This is your own private business." "We cannot procure men for you." " How did you know we were here?" " I've been waiting outside his house." " Why?" " You haven't been returning my calls." "I'm sorry." "I've been trimming my beard and trying out hairstyles." "At least I've still got my pictures of you." "When I was little, Jamie, I had hundreds of pictures of George Michaels all over my wall." "I said to myself, " One day I'm gonna meet George Michaels and marry him."" "I haven't got a ring on my finger just yet, but I'm still hoping." "l-I mean, you..." "You do know that George is gay, don't you?" "Yeah." "He said, "Leave me alone!" "I'm gay!"" "Remember, George?" "That was the night we first met." "It was so romantic." "I said, "Leave me alone." "I'm calling Security."" "Then I said, "How about a blowy?" He said no." "I said, "We'll just be best friends and life partners."" "It's funny." "I'm always asking men out who say they're gay." "Gays are great." "I love the gays." " Why is that?" " They're nice and poofy." "I mean, if I had kids, I wouldn't let them near them." "But they are funny." ""I'm free!" Go on, say it." "Say it." " I am free." " Brilliant!" "I love the gays." " Damon, thanks for joining us today." " Yeah, right (!" ")" "Your songs are about that peculiarly British obsession, class." ""Country House", "Charmless Man", "Girls and Boys"." "Where do you fit in?" "Where do I fit in, me old china mug?" "Working class, of course." "Gercha." "Mashed potatoes." " Right." "What was your upbringing like?" " Very tough." "I grew up in a workhouse." " Really?" " Yes." "But then I asked for more gruel." "I was sold to an undertaker's by Harry Secombe." " Right." " But I did manage to escape." "I got involved with boy thieves, stealing kerchiefs." " Kerchiefs?" " Got to pick a pocket or two, they told me." "Hmm..." "You're sure you're not confusing your life with the film "Oliver"?" "Oh, whatever." "I'm working class 'cause I is a cockney, ain't I?" " Right." " I know all the lingo, like in EastEnders." "I go up the apples and pears, stairs." "I sits on the apples and pears, chairs." "And I gets an autograph from apples and pears, Lionel Blairs." "And sometimes I say, "Ricky!" That means something in cockney, don't it?" "What are your plans for the future?" "Are you planning a comeback?" "No, I'm really a very private person." "After ABBA split, I retired from public life." " I'm very camera-shy." " You've made up for that today." " How about you, Frida?" "Any plans?" " I'm working on a new album." " "Hot Cheese and Firewood."" " The world holds its breath (!" ")" "Well, personally, I'd love to see Abba put aside their differences and get back together." "To be honest, we lost touch with the guys years ago." "Well..." "I've got a little surprise for you." " Oh, God." " The guys are in the room next door." " No!" "You're joking me." " No, this is a game at me." "No, this cannot be happening to it." " Hey, there, ladies." " Hello, the ABBA girls." "Well, this really is very exciting." "What's it like being back together again after 20 years?" "Oh, Jamie, it's terrific." "Thank you so much." "It's so lovely to see my wife again." "Darling." " You're as beautiful as ever." " Sweetheart." "I'm so glad you kept your beard." "It really suits you." "Bono and The Edge, welcome to Rock Profile." "Now, it's an obvious question." "You must get asked this all the time." "Why have you got funny names?" "(POSH) I don't know why people call me Bono." "Sorry, aren't you supposed to be Irish?" "Oh, yeah. "I don't know why..." No." ""I don't know why people..."" "Do you mind if I don't?" "I can't really do Irish." " So you're not actually Irish?" " I'm from Windsor." "I put it on for Americans." " So, why are you called Bono?" " Bono." "I don't know why people call me that." "It just stuck." "My real name's Paul Hewson." " Right." "So, Paul..." " Call me Bono." " So, Bono..." " That's why people call you Bono." " 'Cause you tell everyone to call you Bono." " Don't do an Irish accent." "I'm not doing one." " It's silly if you do and I don't." " But I'm Irish." "This is how I talk." "Go on, give it a try." " "Hallo." "I am The Edge."" " No, stick with Irish." "Your name is extraordinary." "The Edge." "But it's not my real name." "It's Dave Evans." "I loved being called Dave Evans." " Why The Edge?" " He told everybody that's my name." " Is that true?" " Yes." "Named him after a pizza." "Thin And Crispy, but someone was called that." " Who?" " Thin And Crispy." "But he left." "There's talk of a tour, which would be your first for quite some time." "You know, you two are my bestest friends in the whole world, so I think I can say this." "Sometimes I think the whole world is mad and I'm the only sane one." " Or maybe it's the other way round." " Other times, I think I'm a lickle girl." " Will you please, Geri, shut up?" " Yeah, put a sock in it, love." "I sense some hostility here." "I think that your auras are in parallel reverse." " What?" " Your brain is not in your head." "It is in the small of your back, where you think." " Never heard of that." " That's what my Yoda teacher told me." " You do "Yoda"?" " What am I saying?" "Not Yoda." "Yoghurt." "I do Yoghurt." "I do Yoghurt every morning, and then I have a shih-tzu." "That's a type of dog." "A massage is a shiatsu." "No, I mean shih-tzu." "A shih-tzu every morning." "I have my bran flakes, then I have a shih-tzu so I don't have to go later in the day." "Who are you?" "I'm Jamie." "I'm gonna be interviewing you for Rock Profile." "What's that, then?" "It's, erm..." "It's a television show." " Is that, like, when it's on television?" " Yeah." "I don't like television." "Too much colours and movement." "It's too busy for me." "Also, sometimes there's people on it and you don't know whether they're on television or if they're in the room, but they're small." "I got CSEs." "If..." "If "Parklife" was considered Damon's album," ""13" was very much perceived as your album." "It's not my fault!" "Nobody showed me how to work the machines." "Do you press "record" and "play", or is it just "record"?" "And I had to play it all on me own." "What about Dave and Alex?" "They wouldn't come in 'cause I play with matches." "Right." "So you played all the instruments yourself?" "Yeah, but I never knew how a lot of them worked." "I spent weeks trying to blow into the piano." "And then all the instruments started talking about me behind my back." "And then all of a sudden it was Thursday and I had to hand it in on Friday morning." "Right." "Your debut album, "The Sky is too High"..." "I didn't start the fire!" "For me, the first time I became really aware of U2 was Live Aid, back in... '85?" "It was brilliant because two billion people saw us perform." "That's half the world." " And all that money was raised for Africa." " Oh, was it?" "That's nice." " You were one of the highlights." " Yeah, a lot of people said that." " Bob Geldof said we were the best there." " After Queen, we were the best." " Yeah." "Not bad." " And Paul McCartney." " Obviously." " And the Quo." " They opened the show." "They were great." " And Phil Collins and Bowie and Nick Kershaw." " Class acts." " And Mel Smith and Chris Rhys Jones." "They dressed up as policemen. "We've had a complaint about the noise... from Belgium."" "Yeah, but after all that, we were the best." "Do you still see Bob Geldof?" "There's the Irish connection." "To be honest, I don't like him." "He's very mean." " Mean?" " Yeah." "You know I sung with Band Aid?" "The bit that goes..." "# Tonight thank God it's them instead of you #" "I sung that bit." "That song was number one for weeks." "I never received a penny." "It was for charity, for the people of Ethiopia." "That's what the song was about." "Do they know it's Christmas?" "No, because they're all dying." " There's a famine out there." " No!" "Yeah." "When you say..." "# Tonight thank God it's them instead of you #" "That's... you know." "That's right." "Ethiopia?" "That's awful." "(TUTTING)" "And we still haven't been paid for Live Aid." "So, can we talk about the new album, "Steptacular"?" " Did you write any songs on that album?" " Yeah, I wrote one." "# La, la, la, la, la # But they didn't use it in the end." "I wrote... # La, la, la, la, la #" " They turned that down?" " No, that was the last single." "Right, because... # La, la, la, la, la # Technically, that's not actually a song, is it?" " Do you know who I am?" " Yeah, you're Lee from Steps." " Oh, I thought I was H." " No, I'm H." " Who's Lisa?" " The fat one." "We should have badges with our names on." "What I'm saying is, I just think that a song has to be about something." " Like what?" " Well, like..." "Like your life." "Things you do." "# I had my tea, I done a wee I watched cartoons, I done a wee" "# I went to bed, nah-nah-nah I had my tea, I done a wee... #" " What Lennon and McCartney used to do..." " Who?" " Lennon and McCartney." " Jack Lemmon and Todd Carty?" " John Lennon and Paul McCartney." " Are they bigger boys?" "They were in the Beatles." "Not a lot of people liked them, but they were one of my favourites." " The ones who done that song about that man?" " Yeah." " See?" "I'm not thick." " They used things around them for inspiration." "Street signs or newspaper headlines." "Like... # I read the news today, oh, boy # 4,000 holes in Blackburn, Lancashire... #" "Oh, anyone can do that." "# I read the news today, oh, boy" "# Hamilton faces new cash probe... #" "Easy. # I read the news today, oh, boy" "# Headless woman found in ditch" "# The decapitated body was recovered in Chorlton, Manchester" "# Full story, page five Derek Swann reports... #" "Er..." "I don't think that's gonna work, is it?" "Hang on, hang on." "How about this one?" "# I read the news today, oh, boy" " # Theakston's three-in-a-bed romp... #" " Oh, no, no!" "Not that one." "Whoops, whoops." " Whoops." " I was reading that." "You know, Jamie, I'll be honest with you." "I really like you." "When I was lickle I used to have pictures of you all over my walls." "I think it would be really nice to see more of you, Jamie." " Well, I'm not sure." " We could go out for dinner one night." "I won't eat anything yellow!" "And then maybe come back to my place, and who knows?" "Well..." "I'm gay." "Oh, God, not another one!" "Yes." "I am a gay." "I definitely cannot go out to dinner with you, because I love men." "And..." "I love men's... bottoms." "We're very privileged now to see Blur recording a new song in the studio for the very first time on television." "The new single is about the end of a relationship." "It's quite bleak." "Of course, people naturally assume that I'm just writing about my own life." "But if you listen to the lyrics, you'll see it's not about anyone in particular." "# Justine" "# Justine Frischmann" "# Out of Elastica" "# Who I used to go out with" "# Ginger Nut crumbs you left in the bed" "# You never put the secateurs back in the shed" "# You always left the toilet seat down # Woo-whoo!" "# You've still got my Darth Maul dressing gown # Woo-whoo!" "# You never made a note when somebody rang Of setting the video, you couldn't get the hang" "# You once didn't close the freezer properly and it defrosted" "# And, anyway, Elastica are rubbish" "# Bang Bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Our fine, four-fendered friend" "# Fine, four-fendered Chitty Chitty Bang!" "#" "Thanks very much, Blur." "I think that's got number one written all over it." "I think it's got more of a whiff of number two."