"God, I love beauty pageants!" "Me, too." "Really?" "!" "They're so degrading!" "I mean, they objectify women." "Aw, come on." "What are you talking about?" "Whoa-ho!" "Look at the ham hocks on Miss Virginia!" "So, you going out later tonight?" "Nah, I think I'm just gonna take it easy." "Between working on the movie and remodeling my new house, I'm exhausted." "It's nice to have some time with my friends and family to just relax, you know?" "Joey, I need $10,000 or some kids are gonna die." "What?" "!" "See, I volunteer down at the Rec Center for Boys, and the building is so rundown, the city's about to condemn it!" "Come on, man, this could be a chance for you to touch the lives of some kids in need!" "Hey, we can even name the place after you." "Ooh, that could be kind of nice." " Yeah!" " Yeah, okay." "Ooh!" "We'll call it "The Joey Tribbiani Center for Touching Young Boys."" " No, we won't!" " No, no, no." "Oh, it's the contractor for my new house again." "Hello." "So, you and Joey are getting pretty cozy under that blanket, huh?" "Yeah, we've been getting kind of close lately." "I was just sitting here and he came and sat next to me." "Of course he did." "You're special." "You're holding the popcorn." "That had nothing to do with it." "Oh, yeah?" "Zack..." "No, no, no, no, no!" "Just, please, just do what I told you, okay?" "Oh, God, remodeling a house is such a pain in the ass!" "Why don't you just hire an interior decorator?" "They can handle all these details for you." "Yeah, you're right." "That's a good idea." "All right, I'll start doing some research about that tomorrow." "I gotta find someone really qualified, though." "I'm Candace Sherwood, a graduate of Santa Cruz State with a degree in interior design." "You're hired!" "Here you go." "How about a little toast, uh, to us?" "Oh, that sounds nice." "Hello?" "Oh, hey, Candace." "Yeah, come on up." "It's apartment seven." "Okay, bye." "Who was that?" "That was my interior designer." "She's stopping by to go over these blueprints." "Oh, the beauty queen?" "Yeah, but not only is she super-hot, she is very, very smart." "And we get along great." " Hey, Candace." " Hey!" "Come on in." "This is my neighbor, Alex." " Hi." " Hi." "So, have you looked at the designs?" "Oh, they are awesome!" "Yeah!" "But, I, uh, had a question about the screening room." "Now, this, right here, just looks like a big wall." "Where's the screen?" "No, the wall is the screen." "The wall is the screen, Alex!" "Wow!" "Okay, you know what?" "I got something I want to run by you." "Just give me a second." "So, uh, have you been in a lot of beauty pageants?" "No, only one." "A friend of mine wanted to try out, and I tagged along." "Next thing I know, I'm in the finals." "Oh, yeah, been there." "I went to my sister's audition for Miss Orange County and one of the judges noticed me, and the next thing you know," "I'm backstage operating the curtain, so..." "That's... two pretty good stories." "Hey, is Joey seeing anyone?" "Why?" "Well, he seems really nice and he's cute." "We're having a working dinner later tonight, and I think I'm gonna make a move." "Oh..." "Okay, I, uh... found an example of the color I want to use in the kitchen." "Do you think you could match this?" "I could, but what do you think about something a little closer to this?" "Ooh!" "Wow." "Yeah." "Well, I like 'em both." "Um..." "Oh, okay, what if we use mine for the cupboards and yours for the tile?" "Or, perhaps I could interest you in something like this." "And here's the rec center." "Wow..." "This place is pretty rundown." "Yeah, but there's a lot of love." "So what do you say, Joey?" "Look, Zach, you know I would love to help out, but $10,000?" "That's a lot of money." "Okay, before you say no, why don't you meet some more of the kids?" "All right, hey, hey, hey, everybody!" "Kids!" "Look who's here!" "Hey!" "It's Dr. Drake Ramoray from Days of Our Lives!" "No, it's Agent Ron Stone from Universal Pictures' Captured!" "In theaters Summer 2006." "Joey!" "Joey!" "Joey!" "Hey, yeah, whoo-hoo!" "Yeah, right." "Look, Zach, you don't think I see what you're doing here?" "Come on, I'm not gonna make a decision on whether or not to contribute here based on some ego thing." "Aw, come on, man." "Hey, hey, kids!" "When I say "Joey," you say "Yeah!"" " Joey!" " Yeah!" " Joey!" " Yeah!" "I like that one." "All right, I'm in." "Hey!" "When I say "Joey," you say "Yeah!"" " Joey!" " Yeah!" " Joey!" " Yeah!" " Joey!" " Yeah!" "Man, you are kicking my butt!" "I haven't won a hand in, like, an hour!" "What am I doing wrong?" "All right, give me three cards." "All right, well, I guess I'll raise..." "I fold." "It's like you can read my mind!" "All right, you ready?" "Here we go." "Let's do this." "All of this..." "Uh, what the hell are you doing?" "Oh, Abby's teaching me the Vegan lifestyle." "The way our society treats animals-- it's unthinkable!" "So we decided you should have a meatless kitchen." "Give me that!" "It is natural for humans to eat meat, okay?" "We eat the cows, the cows eat the grass." "We mow the grass, which makes us hungry for more cows." "It's the circle of life!" "Forget him, he's hopeless." "You know, it's, uh, getting kind of late." "Do you want to, uh, watch a movie?" "Maybe open another bottle of wine?" "Do you know what?" "I would love to hang out, but I told Candace I would come by her place tonight." "Her place?" "!" "Yeah, she said something about blueprints, but," "I don't know, I think something might happen." "Oh, no, no, no." "You can't go!" "Why?" "Because... we're still playing poker!" "Come on!" "Bro's before ho's!" "Okay, but I'm sick of losing." "If I lose another hand, I'm gonna go." "All right, well, we'll just find a game that you can win at." " Okay." " Okay." "Uh, you ever play Five-Card Draw?" "Yeah." "You ever play Texas Hold 'Em?" "No." "Then that's our game." "Um, I think your luck is about to change." "I'll deal the first one face-up, so you can learn the rules, okay?" "Oh, great." "I lose." "That was fun." "I'm gonna go." "No, no, no!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Joey!" "You win!" "Why?" "I have a two and a four, and you have two jacks." "Yeah, but two jacks is an awful hand in Texas Hold 'Em." "Why?" "Well, come on!" "Two guys with mustaches, wearing festive clothing..." "That kind of thing is frowned-upon in Texas." "It's a gay thing?" "!" "That's terrible!" "I mean, who cares what a guy with one eye and a guy with a knife in his head do in the privacy of their own home?" "Yeah, but those are the rules." "Uh, come on, you want to play another hand?" "All right, I'll just play until I lose." "Boy, I wonder what happens if I get two queens?" "Oh, yeah, you'll see." "Ugh, these blood packets take forever to set up." "What's it been, two hours?" "Almost three, but don't worry, it's gonna look great on screen." "Okay, finally done." "Now, just one more thing." "See this button?" "Don't press it until I tell you." "Hey." "Hey, Michael." "What are you doing here?" "I'm just looking for Abby." "We're going to a logging protest tonight." "Hey, can I ask you something personal?" "Yeah." "Have you and Abby slept together?" "No!" "Abby thinks our relationship is special, you know?" "She wants to take it slowly." "Yeah, that explains it." "Look, the only reason you're into this "save the world" crap is because you and Abby haven't done it yet." "Don't feel bad-- at some point, every young guy pretends to be into something to get a girl." "All right, you don't know what you're talking about." "Really?" "Sherry Rosenberg, ninth grade." "I was bar-mitzvahed for her." "Well, that... that's... wow." "Um, that's just not how I work." "I actually do care about the environment." "She just helped me to see how much, you know?" "Oh, now, if you'll excuse me," "I'm gonna go chain myself to a bulldozer." "Oy, vey!" "With the fakakteh bulldozer." "Wonder what the red button does?" "Hmm." "I guess nothing." "All right..." "I'm goin' all in." "Okay." "I'll call." "Oh, man." "You got three aces?" "Yeah, but you still win." "Why?" "You have a queen without a king, so..." "She's sad and she's hungry, so she eats chips!" "Joey, can I talk to Alex for a second?" "Uh, sure, yeah." "You know what, while you talk to her, you might want to play a couple hands of Texas Hold 'Em." "She stinks." "So do you." "What are you doing?" "I'm playing poker with Joey." "No, you're making up rules and you're letting him win." "Why?" "All right, fine." "I'm doing it to keep him away from Candace." "And it's working." "God, I can't believe you would do this!" "Where are your morals?" "Oh, please." "You stabbed your last boyfriend." "In the leg!" "Look, this isn't hurting anybody, and I have everything under control, okay?" "Oh, my God!" "I'm six hours late for work!" " Hello?" " Joey, it's me." "What's going on?" "You missed your publicity shoot this morning!" "Oh, I'm so sorry, Bobbie." "I completely forgot." "You know, I work really hard to set these things up." "So, when you forget them, I really take it personally." "Are you trying to hurt me?" "'Cause I'll let you." " What?" " I'm just kidding." "Or am I?" "Joey, where were you today, anyway?" "I was playing poker." " Really!" "And what kind?" " No-limit Texas Hold 'Em." "Well, I just might have an interesting opportunity for you." " Are you any good?" " Oh-ho." "Real good." "Why?" "Joey, welcome to Celebrity Poker Showdown." "Dave Foley." "Any questions about how to play?" "Oh, I think I'll be okay." "Mr. Murphy, I amso sorry I'm late... but we still have plenty of time to get you ready for your deposition tomorrow." "Now, tax evasion is scary and, um," "I know you're concerned about jail time, but as long as you're prepared, it's..." "Just a second." "Hello." "Alex Garrett." "Alex, Joey's going on Celebrity Poker Showdown tonight." "He's going to humiliate himself. so ... go" "but tommorow big smile and ok" "Joey Tribbiani, I'm a big fan." "Alan Thicke, wow, nice to meet you." "What charity are you playing for?" "It's a rec center down on Jefferson." "My friend Zack volunteers there." "Oh, good, yeah." "I work with kids, too." "My charity's the Alan Thicke Center for the Performing Arts." "Arts?" "!" "Why?" "Is Growing Pains hanging in some museum I don't know about?" "Excuse me?" "Our charity's gonna take your bitch-ass charity down." "Hey, there's nothing "bitch-ass" about teaching privileged children improv." "Guys, guys!" "You feeling cocky?" "You guys want to make a little side bet?" " How's $500 sound?" " How's a thousand sound?" "You know what?" "I'm feeling pretty good about Texas Hold 'Em." " Let's make it $10,000." " You're on." "All right." "I got the feeling I'm gonna get my hands on some hungry queens." "Yeah, okay." "Joey, they need you onstage." "Joey, I got to talk to you a second, okay?" "Not now, he's busy." "No, wait, this is really important." "Honey, I've been drinking." "Unless you want to be punched or made out with, get out of the way." "Welcome to Celebrity Poker Showdown." "I'm Dave Foley, and I'm sitting here with poker expert Phil Gordon." "And now what do you say we meet tonight's players?" "We have Alan Thicke..." "Louie Anderson," "Coolio..." "Cindy Margolis... and Joey Tribbiani." "They've dealt the first hand, and it looks like..." "Oh, Joey Tribbiani has a 7-4." "Yeah, he should fold, Dave." "Seven and a four;" "givesy-takesy rule." "Here you go." "Dave, givesy-takesy is not a rule in Texas Hold 'Em." "You can't touch my cards." "Oh, well, you got a five." "Okay, that's a shield card, but that only works if you put it on your forehead." " Can you swear on Bravo?" " No!" "What the bleep are you doing?" "!" "Louie Anderson, put your card down." "You look like a fool." "You're right, Coolio." "All right, let's see 'em." "Ha-ha, two jacks, you're the loser." "No, I'm not." "Yeah, you are 'cause of the gay thing." "That rec center he's playing for isn't gonna see a dime." "Thanks to Joey Tribbiani, a lot of new murderers will be hitting the streets." "Oh, no, Joey has three out of the four suits." "Oh, God, please, don't get a heart." "Please don't get a heart." "That's all four suits." "Looks like we're about to have a Texas earthquake!" "What are you doing?" "It's a Texas gold rush!" "Gina, you are never going to believe what happened." "Oh, I know-- I just got off the phone with Bobbie." "I warned you, Alex-- I knew this was gonna happen." "You knew that Joey was gonna go on Celebrity Poker and get put in a headlock by Coolio?" "What am I gonna do?" "He's going to ask me why I lied about those rules." "Just tell him the truth, tell him you did it 'cause you have feelings for him." "I don't know, I was waiting for the right time to tell him." "I don't want to freak him out." "He's not gonna be that surprised." "It's not that big a deal." "Watch this." " Michael?" " Yeah?" "Alex is in love with Joey." "What?" "!" "Oh, my God!" "This changes everything!" "Gine, what are you doing?" "!" "Okay." "Michael's a little sensitive." " Zack?" " Yeah." "Alex is in love with Joey." "Oh, no, no, no!" "I know, I just found out, too." "Oh, man!" "Now, what's going to happen to the group!" "Thanks a lot, Gina." "Okay, it's a bigger deal than I thought, but this is a good thing, because now that the truth is out there, you can deal with it." "No, if he hears that I made up the rules to some game to keep him away from a girl, he's gonna think I'm pathetic and crazy." "He's never going to see me as someone he could be with." "Damn it." "I was just starting to think it might happen between us." "Hey, it still could." "No, not now." "He's gonna ask why I did this, and I'm just gonna have to tell him." "Oh, my God, I feel so bad for her." "Love between friends can be so painful, Michael." "That's why I haven't gotten it on with your mom." " Whoa, whoa, whoa." " Hey." "Why are you so out of breath?" "Alan Thicke is chasing me." "I owe him $10,000." "Thank God he has bad knees." "I had to zigzag to get away from him." "Is that my meat in that bag?" "No, no, no." "I'm just cleaning up the garbage from the hillside around the apartment." "Look, Michael, please, just sleep with Abby, okay?" "The second you do, you will stop caring about all this "save the Earth" crap." "How dare you say that?" "You are so shallow." "Yeah." "To me, Joey, there's more to life than sex, okay?" "Can you get that through your head?" "I care about real things, like making the world a better place for my kids and my kid's kids." "Kids?" "How are you two going to have kids?" "Kids don't come from cleaning otters!" " Hey, Joey, hi." " What the hell happened?" "Why did you teach me the wrong rules?" "Well, it's a little hard to explain." "You know what else is hard to explain?" "Why I tried to take Louie Anderson's shirt off because I had a seven and a two!" "Why would you do this?" "What reason could you possibly have?" "Okay..." "I'm just going to tell you, um..." "Alex, you coming in to play or what?" "What?" "Zack just got a Texas gold rush." " What?" " What?" "Come on in and play." "Aha!" "The hungry queen!" "Yum-yum, yum-yum, give me them chips!" "Oh, man, I lowered my shield card!" "Wait." "What?" "What?" "You all play like this?" "Yeah, I taught Alex, right, Alex?" "Yes, Joey, that was what I was just gonna tell you is that" "Gina taught me these rules, and then I taught you." "So really, it's Gina's fault." "Yeah." "Gina is so stupid." "I'm sorry, I guess the people down at Celebrity Poker were wrong." "Yeah, I'm sure they are." "Most people play this way." "Really?" "Thank you, guys." "Thank you so much." "You'll tell him when you're ready." "Yeah." "Joey." "You were supposed to meet me." "What happened?" "Candace, I'm so sorry." "This Celebrity Poker thing came up at the last minute." "Anyway, I came by 'cause I totally redid the plans, and I want to get your input." "Okay, you know what?" "No, no, no, let's..." "Look, I stood you up, okay?" "So let me take you out and make it up to you, hmm?" "That sounds nice." "All right." "Come on, let's go." "Hey, I'll see you guys later." "Bye." "Hey, you going to be all right?" "I want my money!" "Yo, what's up, man?" "Ready to rock and roll?" "Where's your trash?" "Actually, you mind throwing that in the recycle bin?" "Recycle?" "Two days ago, you helped me throw my old toilet off the Santa Monica pier." "I know, but it's important to Michael." "I thought he was just doing this for a girl, but guess I was wrong." "Look, he and I are just different." "I guess." " Hey." " Hey." " How was your night?" " Oh, it was really good." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "Uh, Michael, shouldn't that can go in the recycle bin?" "Eh, whatever." " Sweetie, hey!" " Hey!" "I'll pick you up later so we can clean up that stretch of highway we adopted." "Okay." "Man, am I not doing that." " Did you...?" " We did." " Was it...?" " It was." " Did she...?" " Does it matter?" "Oh, I just came up with a really good lie to get out of that highway thing." "Congratulations, Michael." "Last night, you became a man, but just now, you became a Tribbiani."