"(Crows caw)" "(Man) It's Movieland's biggest night-- a night filled with unimaginable surprises." "Some will go home winners, and some will go home losers." "But one thing's for sure." "It's the glitziest, most glamorous evening of the year." "Aw." "Moths ate my Oscar carpet." "(Turns on TV) Oh, no." "Where will Brad Pitt walk?" "Come on, Mike." "It's exciting." "The Oscars." "I like it." "It's a nice bit of escapism." "Yeah, I'm all on board with escaping." "Well, you're not allowed to." "You're watching it." "It's like the Super Bowl of Hollywood." "What do you know about Hollywood?" "Hey, I know plenty about Hollywood." "I do the "People" crossword puzzle every week." "(Door opens) And 5 across is shut up." "Well, just five more days, and I'm off to the Windy City." "What are you talking about?" "Oh, the Chicago trip." "Every year, the fifth grade class gets to take a trip, and this year we're going to Chicago for three days." "They've been having meetings about it all year." "You... know I'm in fifth grade, right?" "We get to stay in a hotel, go to museums, have meals in restaurants." " Wow." "Exciting." "That sounds like quite a trip." " I know, right?" "I'm finally gonna see the place" ""The Tastes Of Chicago" catalog is from." "(Sports game playing on TV)" "Yeah." "He's not goin'." " What?" " Are you kidding me?" "This is Brick we're talking about." "Brick alone in Chicago?" "He won't be alone." "He'll be with 30 other kids." "Yeah, for about five seconds until he wanders onto a bus or an El train or a boat or a beam 30 stories over the city." "Have you not seen "Mr. Magoo"?" "(Indistinct conversations)" " Hi." " Hi." "(Gasps) Oh, my God." "Did you see how weird that was?" "That was so weird." "Wasn't it weird?" "So weird." "Okay, I have to tell you something, but you have to promise you won't tell anyone." "Did I tell anyone when you swallowed a fly?" "Okay." "Well, when Darrin took me to the Valentine's Day dance, and we were cleaning up, our eyes met over the trash can," " and he kissed me." " Aah!" "Oh, my God!" "So are-- are you guys like a thing now?" "I don't know." "We didn't really get a chance to talk." "Maybe it was just the mirror ball." "Whenever there are mirror balls, people do crazy things." "(Gasps) But what if he really likes me but he doesn't know that I like him," " and that's why he's being so weird?" " That's totally it." "But what if he doesn't really like me, and he just got caught up in the whole romance of Valentine's Day and doesn't really know how to tell me he doesn't like me?" " Well, that makes sense, too." " Well, which one is it?" " Which one do you think it is?" " What do you think?" " What do you think?" " Oh, my God." "I think I really like him." "Unless he doesn't like me back." "Thanks, Carly." "You always give the best advice!" "(Frankie) Okay, so I was pretty darn nervous about Brick going to Chicago, but I figured once I heard the details of the trip," "I would feel better." "I was wrong-- very, very wrong." "Now as far as the hotel goes, we won't have an adult in each room, but the kids will be trusted to monitor themselves." "Oh, God." "They'll have exactly 26 minutes to wander around the Observation Deck on the 103 floor." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." "And then it's off to Gino's East, where each child will make their own deep dish pizza in an 800-degree oven." "What are you doing to me?" "And that brings us to 8:25 and the end of my presentation, right on time as... always." "Thank you." "Okay, uh, very informative, Mr. Walker." "Now everyone who's interested in chaperoning, please put their name in this bowl." "Remember to fold your paper squares twice, once, and once again." "All right, if there was any way" "I was letting Brick go on this trip," "I was gonna have to do something that goes against everything I stand for-- volunteer." "Hi, Connie." "Well, listen, you're in luck." "I've cleared my schedule, and I'm available to chaperone the trip, so Chaperone Frankie reporting for duty." "Oh, that's wonderful, Frankie, but actually, everybody here wants to chaperone this trip." "This is the crown jewel of field trips." "Oh." "Well, I should really be one of the chaperones, 'cause I haven't volunteered for anything all year." "Oh, now do you really think that's fair for you to get to go on the most coveted field trip after not volunteering for anything all year?" "Look, Brick's kind of special, and not the kind you slap a bumper sticker on your car to brag about, so..." "Sorry." "We have a fair way of doing it." "We put all the names in a big bowl, and we pick four, and those are the ones that get to be the chaperones." "Good luck." "(Chuckles)" "You know, if I were you," "I wouldn't even wanna go on this trip." "Kids throw up on buses, and when one goes, they all go." "Okay, here we go." "Fingers crossed, everyone." "(Papers rustle)" ""Jenna Bieler."" "(Screaming and laughing)" "(Continues laughing)" "(Papers rustle)" ""Connie McDonald."" "Oh, that's me." "Oh." "(Laughs)" "(Papers rustle)" ""Julia Laumann."" "(Chair scrapes floor) Whoo!" "(Laughs)" "(Screams and laughter)" "And finally..." "(Papers rustle)" ""Scott Ridgeway."" "(Scattered applause)" "(Scoffs) W-wait a minute." "Hold on a second." "A man's name?" "How is there a man's name in there?" "I don't see any men here." "He had a previous engagement." "I'm sorry." "Something doesn't smell right here." "I mean, come on." "You just happened to pick your own name?" "We're supposed to believe that was just a coincidence?" "This thing is obviously rigged." "I mean, I didn't get picked, and I put my name in four times." "(Women murmuring)" "(Indistinct conversations)" "(Coughs loudly)" " Hey, Sue." " Oh. (Laughs) Hey, Darrin." "Didn't see you there." "So" "Oh, my God!" "What are you doing in the senior hall?" "No suck-mores allowed in the senior hall, unless you're hot, which you're not." "I'm Axl Heck, and I approved this message. (Blows raspberry)" "Go!" "Sorry about that, Darrin." "(Chuckles)" "Hey, Brick." "I've got a big surprise." "This Saturday, I am taking you to the book fair in Terre Haute." "But I'm gonna be in Chicago on Saturday." "Oh, that's this weekend." "Hmm. (Sighs)" "What should we do about that?" "(Crunches)" "Once-in-a-lifetime book fair or stinky old Chicago?" "Well, despite the poor air quality and aging infrastructure," "I think it'd still rather go to Chicago." "Did I tell you about all the candy I'm gonna buy you?" "Oh, in Chicago, we're going to an old-time candy store." "You know, there's a lot of bad things about Chicago." "It's cold." "There's crime." "(Door opens)" "The Cubs." "Hey, Brickster." "(Door closes)" "You pumped for that Chicago trip?" "Dottie's super stoked." "Gonna be the trip of a lifetime." "Uh, I don't think it is, Sean." "(Chair scrapes floor)" "There's a lot of other fun trips coming up." "There's a trip to the waste recycling plant in April, so... yeah." "Why don't you go practice?" "(Sighs) Look, Brick, here's the thing." "If I can't be a chaperone," "I just don't feel comfortable letting you go." "Look, mom, I understand you're nervous." "But I read books, and in every one, the parents are always nervous about the hero before he goes off on his great adventure." "But he always goes, and he's scared, but he faces the challenge, and ultimately triumphs." "Well, I watch TV, and in all the crime shows," " little kids die." " Fine." "I guess I'll just be that kid who didn't get to go because his mom was too worried about him." "That'll be fun." "(Sighs) All right, fine." "You can go." "Yes!" "I'm finally gonna be like everyone else." "(Whispers) Everyone else." "Whoop!" "♪ You run today ♪" "♪" "(Song ends)" "Ha ha!" " Oh!" "Jeez." "What the..." " Sorry." "I forgot you guys were rehearsing today." " Don't mind me." " What are you wearing?" "Why are you dressed like that?" "Oh!" "I don't know." "(Chuckles)" "Ah!" "I was just gonna get the rake." "I was just gonna do some... raking." "Oh!" "(Chuckles) There's the turpentine." "(Laughs)" "(Grunting)" "Oh!" "These high heels sure do come in handy." "Well... you guys can keep playing." "I'll just watch." "Ew!" "No." "Why not?" "I mean... we don't get a lot of practice in front of people." "Sue is not people!" "Now get out!" "But, Axl, I-- (Plays chord loudly)" "Axl, you" "(Plays chord loudly) Why are you being so-- aah!" "(Strumming loudly)" "So Brick was on his way to Chicago, and I had made my peace with it." "Okay." "So you don't have any books on you?" "None at all?" "No." "Eyes on your surroundings at all times." "No reading, not even street signs." "And I really shouldn't have to say this, but please don't put anything in your mouth that isn't food." "No exceptions." "Mom, I'll be fine." "(Sighs)" "Oh, wait." "Hi." "Frankie Heck." "We met at" "Yeah, I know who you are." "We have all of our chaperones." "Mrs. Heck." "My parent contract clearly stated that once you have said good-bye to your child, you have 23 seconds to depart the premises." "Got it." "I-I just wanted to see if he had a buddy yet." "If you could pair him with someone responsible-- maybe a girl." "We're good here." "(Laughs)" "Let's move it out!" "Also, I packed all orange clothes so he'll be easy to spot." "He wanders." "And if someone could check when he comes out of the bathroom," "I can't 100% guarantee that he'll zip up." "(Engine starts)" "And if those priceless art like in a museum or something, be prepared to meet the guards now, because he will touch it." "Walk faster." "Okay!" "Here we go, people." "We're 34 seconds late." "(Door squeaks)" "(Sighs)" "So just when Sue had decided it was just one amazing kiss over a garbage can, and that's all it would ever be... ♪" "Hey." "I wrote a song." "(Music stops)" "This song is called "Betsy" " Not Her Real Name."" "(Paper rustles)" "(Off-key) ♪ Sometimes it's easier to sing your feelings ♪" "♪ than to say them to her face ♪" "♪ sometimes it's easier to look in her eyes ♪" "♪ when I'm pretending to tie my shoelace ♪" "♪ but the moment our lips met, I knew I could never dismiss ♪" "♪ our magical trash can kiss ♪" "♪ it was one moment of bliss ♪" "♪ my magical trash can kiss ♪" "♪ one moment of bliss ♪" "♪ my magical ♪" "♪ trash can kiss ♪" "Oh, my God." "I wish I was deaf." "That sucked." "That's... (Blows raspberry)" "Even Sue thinks it sucked." "Look, she's crying." "(Laughs)" "The next morning, I'd like to say I felt better, that the little cheery e-mail update they sent us parents had eased my concerns." "I'd like to say that." ""Missing boy plus Chicago"?" "What are you doin'?" "What, you think "kidnapped plus Chicago"" "is a better search?" "Trust me." "If anyone's dumb enough to kidnap Brick, after a couple days, they'll bring him back." "I can't believe you're making jokes about this." "Look, Brick's growing up." "We raised him right." "Hopefully some of it stuck." "Give him a chance to impress you." "It'll prove you right." "Worrying doesn't do any good." "That's not true." "It shows God that you're paying attention, that you're not getting cocky." "Who's the person that always gets the piano dropped on their head?" "The one whistling, not the one looking up." "How many people you know have gotten a piano dropped on their head?" ""Piano plus head plus death."" "Will you cut it out?" "Get off the computer." "(Sighs) I just can't stop thinking he's in some kind of danger." "Frankie, listen to me." "He was fun while we had him." "Mike, stop doing that." "The next day, I was actually feeling a little better." "Mike was right." "There was no point in worrying." "I just needed to take my mind off Brick, and there's no better distraction than Oscar night." "And there was so much to distract me." "There was the pre-pre-show." "The pre-arrival show, the pre-red carpet, the arrivals, the red carpet, the interviews, the ring cam, the bling cam, the post-red carpet, and the post-interview wrap-up." "(Orchestral fanfare playing)" "It's starting!" "Aah!" "Yay!" "(Laughs) Yeah!" "Okay." "Come on." "Everybody fill out a ballot." "I haven't seen any of these movies." "And unless you're having an affair, neither have you." "Just fill it out." " Where are you going?" " I'm gonna call some of the guys from the quarry, see what their picks are." "Really?" "No." "I'm going to get a beer." "(Doorbell rings)" "(Crunches)" "(Gasps)" "Hi, Darrin." "Hey, Sue." "You look really nice." "Thanks." "It's Oscar night." "Hey." "Um..." "I didn't get a chance to tell you the other day, but you are an amazing singer/songwriter." "Seriously." "No, you are like Jon Bon Jovi." "Hey, what are you doing here?" "We practicing tonight?" "I just thought I'd drop by." "Oh." "Cool." "Let's go to my room." "Or y-you could watch the Oscars." "(Laughter)" "Watching the Oscars could be fun." "Really?" "Guess we could goof on 'em." "Hey, Darrin." "Here." "Take a ballot." "Thanks." "Why are they called the Oscars, anyway?" "Why not the Normans or the Felixes?" "(Laughs) Or the Darrins." "(Laughs) And why the red carpet?" "Why not a blue one?" "(Laughs)" "That's hilarious." "Uh, here." "I'll help you with your ballot." "If somebody's boob doesn't pop out soon, I'm outta here." "Seriously, Darrin." "This is boring." "Let's go." "Oh, come on." "I wanna stay." "I really like my choice for best sound mixing." "(Dog barking in distance)" "(Applause, orchestra playing)" "(Chuckles) Documentary short." "Boom." "Aw!" "I didn't know "Kiko's Bike" was about Ugandan warlords." "I would never have picked "Mandel Bread For Nana."" "Oh, Darrin!" "What are you doin'?" "(Both laughing)" "What?" "Shove over." " Just sit there." " That's my lucky seat." "I picked best costume in that seat." "Are you... (Groans)" "Oh!" "Kate Winslet and Bill Paxton are about to present." "That's Cate Blanchett and Bill Pullman." "They really should make them wear name tags." "Maybe you should suggest that at the next "People" magazine crossword meeting." "You know you're wrecking this for me." "Hey, Brick." "Brick?" "What are doing here?" "You're home." "What happened?" "Well, we got back to the school, and everyone was real excited to see their parents, and I thought you'd be there, but you weren't." "All the other parents were there." "A lot of them had "Welcome Home" signs, and I was waiting and waiting, thinking you'd come, but you didn't." "So I got a ride home with Mrs. Donahue, and she couldn't believe that you wouldn't have picked me up." "She thought something must have happened to you, but..." "I guess not." "And the Oscar for worst mother goes to" "No, no, no, no." "That's not right." "I was supposed to pick you up tomorrow." "It was a 3-day trip-- Friday, Saturday, Su" "♪" "I can still buy you candy." "You were worried about me being irresponsible, and you didn't even pick me up." "All right, I think you're stating what we all already know, but you're home now." "So come on." "Sit down." "I wanna hear all about your trip." " Ah, forget it." " No." "Come on, Brick." "I'm sorry." "I wanna hear all about it." "Put in a tape." "I'm gonna go watch basketball in the garage." "♪" "Brr!" "I'm cold." "(Singsongy) Boring!" "Your speech is boring!" "Play him off." "Come on." "Oh, if you tell your kids to go to sleep," "I'm gonna shoot myself." "(Laughs)" "(Man) I'd like to thank the Academy..." "Aah!" "Aah!" "No!" "No way!" "Absolutely not!" " Axl, you don't underst" " Go to your room!" " You can't tell me to" " Go to your room!" "(TV playing indistinctly)" "What are you doing?" "Are you insane?" "!" "(Stammers) Is this 'cause you feel sorry for her?" " No." "I like her." " Is this 'cause I peed in your Mountain Dew bottle when we were 7?" "That was you?" "Well... you are not allowed." "You are not allowed to date my sister." "I forbid it!" "But I really like her." "Well... (Stammers and sighs) Fine." "I'm gonna date your mom." "Ha ha!" "You better get in there, because she just met a guy on Christian Mingle." "I'm gonna date your mom, and then I'm gonna marry her, and then I'll be your stepdad, and then I will forbid you from dating my sister." " Axl, we" " Name one thing you see in her!" " One!" " Well, she" "I don't wanna hear it!" "Ohh!" "(Trills lips)" "Ohh!" "Dad, there are things going on in this house that you need to know about right now, and mom, too." "Bedroom!" "Set!" "Now grab a bag to barf in before I tell you this 'cause I have got some disgusting news." "You ready?" "All right?" "Sue and my ex-friend Darrin think they like each other." "Yeah." "Absorb that." "They're gonna do stuff." "(Chuckles) Maybe not yet." "But they're gonna do stuff, and... (Gags and grunts) I can't even talk about this." "I'm making myself sick." "Darrin?" "Really?" "Huh." "Well, Axl, Sue's getting older, and you have to expect things like this to happen." " They spend a lot of time toge" " No!" "No!" "Now I know I've said this before, but this time I mean it!" "Do some parenting!" "Make them stop!" "Maybe you should worry a little less about me flushing and more about who your daughter's dating." "Hmm?" "Brr!" "(Grunts)" "(Door slams)" "Well... this is interesting." "Hmm." "I guess she was bound to date one of Axl's friends." "Yeah." "I don't like it." "He's too old, he's too dumb, and he's too Darrin." "Well, yes, he's all those things, but he's also very sweet and harmless." "That's what the neighbors always say about serial killers." "Mike, we've known his family for years." "They're good people." "He's a nice kid." "Let's not overreact." "I can't believe you're not worried about this." "He's 18, and he looks 30." "Well, you're the one who said they're getting older." "They're growing up." "We have to trust that we've done our job and that Sue's ready to make good decisions." "You said you don't worry, so just don't worry." "Nobody likes being given their own advice, Frankie." "Well, what are we supposed to do?" "We can't tell her she can't go out with him." "She already had car dates with Matt." " She did?" " Mm." " Where was I?" " You..." "I'm gonna talk to this kid." "(Sighs) Whatever happened to Brad?" "I liked it when she was dating Brad." "(Door closes)" "(Sighs)" "So I understand you're interested in taking out Sue." "Yes, sir." "I just wanna remind you that I work at a quarry, and I have access to dynamite." "Yeah, I know." "You have the coolest job." "I think you're missing what I'm saying here, Darrin." "I'm saying if you're gonna go out with Sue, when you're with her, I want you to picture my face." "No offense, sir, but that's sort of a mood killer." "I really like her, sir, and I will treat her with the utmost respect, and I would never do anything to hurt her." "Ugh." "All right." "I guess, fine." "Thanks, Mr. Heck." "I really appreciate the vote of confidence." "And I'm gonna take you up on that offer to come see the quarry." "So another Oscar night had come and gone." "There were winners..." "We're going out for fro-yo." "We'll be back in half an hour." "Bye!" "There were losers... and there were surprises... (Camera beeps) Ooh, and here's a picture of me at Wrigley Field." "I didn't know you guys went to Wrigley Field." "Oh, no, just me."