"Hey." "I thought you were going to sleep forever." "Next time." " Are you headed out?" " Uh, yeah." "I have a meeting with a web developer." "Although, uh, something else seems to be developing right now." "Oh, God." "Right now." "I thought you were going to kill me." "Next time." "Uh, so I don't have that meeting for another 20 minutes." "And he's ten minutes away." "So that leaves us with ten..." "Minutes." "Come on, Whit." "Why don't we turn that frown..." "The other way." "Okay." "Idiot, it's 9:00 A.M." "You never do this in the morning." "Come on." "Why don't we just, you know, bang one out, me and you?" ""Bang one out"?" " Okay." " Come here." "Okay, but you're in your meeting clothes." "You're going to have to get all undressed." "Okay." "Look, calm down." "Nobody's getting undressed, okay?" "We could just sort of make our stuff available to each other." "Men's pants are designed for this exact thing." "We just had sex last night." "Did Howard stern have a porn star on this morning?" "Look, come on, Whit." "I just, uh, want to, kind of finish what we started, you know?" "Nine minutes." "Okay." "We did finish." "I believe I even announced it." "Twice." "Up top." "Mm." "Yeah." "No, it was good." "I just, you know, I wasn't really talking about you." "You were taken care of." "Oh, mm." "Yes and no." " What's going on?" " Nothing." "Did you fake it?" "What's up?" "Guys can do that?" "Totally." "Uh, no." "No." "No, not with a girl as pretty as you." "I cannot believe you faked it." "Well, no, look, that was the first time and last time ever with you, Whit, I promise." "Okay, but why couldn't" "I" " I don't know, you know?" "It was just, like, a combination of things." "Like, I had one too many beers, and my mind was wandering." "Okay." "Your mind was wandering?" "Where?" "Biel?" "Alba?" "Jolie?" "Well, no, I mean, if I was thinking of them, then we wouldn't be standing here, having this conversation." "Uh, uh, uh..." "Okay." "Then, what were you thinking about?" "Fantasy football." "They have cheerleaders?" "No, but that's a really good idea." "I'm going to get on that." "I'll go, I'll- Bye, bye-bye." "Alex?" "Look, it would just- it was taking so long that I just- I called it off." "Okay, but you did it exactly how you normally do it." "You can't just fake that." "Ah!" "Oh, my God!" "Are you- are you mad?" "I mean, my feelings are hurt." "Both of them." "You should not have told me that, okay?" "I would never tell you if I faked it." "Well, Whit, it's so obvious when you fake it." "I mean, you're so lazy about it that you call me "Al. "" "Come on, Whit." "No, okay?" "There are just some things you should not tell me." "Okay?" "If it's something dumb like that that's just going to hurt my feelings, please just lie to me." "Oh, I know." "I mean, I-I lie to you about stuff all the time." "What kind of stuff?" "Well, no, I mean, it's just like a figure of speech." "It's like," ""I lie to you all the time. "" "I'll tell you one if you tell me one." "Okay." "All right." "I lie about knowing who Eli Manning is." "I still think he's a rabbi." "He won the super b- All right, you know what?" "Fair enough." "Okay, your turn." "Um, okay." "Uh..." "You know what?" "I" " I lie about lily." "I think that she's totally pretty." "She's the prettiest." "I thought it was weird that you said you thought of her like a little brother." "All right." "There you have it." "I empty out the cream in the creamer, and I replace it with skim milk." "Sorry!" "And I pour out the skim milk, and I replace it with cream." "Is that why it tastes so delicious?" "Yeah, it's food." "I mean, me doing that is the only reason why you're still alive." "It's so cool that we can do this." "You know, it's fun in, like, a scary," ""we might break up" kind of way." "All right, well, I've got to go." " I love you." " Love you." "I am off." " I hate that shirt." " I hate all your shirts." "God, that feels so good!" "Ha!" "I act concerned about your chronic big toe pain, but really, I think it's all in your head." "That time you tripped and fell in the best buy parking lot?" "I fell out of love with you a little." "That's not a lie." "Just hurtful." "But, yeah." " We're the best." " The best." "How awesome's the new bartender?" "Yeah." "He'll do just fine." "I mean, he looks strong enough to carry me outside and put me in a cab." "So R.J. is Alex's friend from high school?" "Yeah, but that's not why I hired him." "You'd be surprised how hard it is to find a good bartender." "One guy was late, one guy never showed up, one guy never called back." "Add a paralyzing fear of aging, and you know what it's like to be a woman." "So weird that there's a bartender in Chicago that I don't know." "That's probably because he works nights." "A white wine for you and a red wine for you." "It's important to have a balanced diet." "So, uh, where are you from?" "I'm from outside Atlanta." "Please don't say Hotlanta." "Oh, what a great- Do you have a girlfriend?" "I'm out there." "I'm looking." "Trying to be found." "But I don't want to settle for some desperate girl who doesn't know who she is." "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "Don't worry, I do." "Hey, mark." "Can I make a suggestion real quick?" "Sure." "What's up with this clock over here?" "Oh, God." "Is it racist?" "No, but I think you might be." "Look, first thing I learned about the bar business, no clocks." "Yeah, but what if someone's sitting here drinking, they've got to get home to their f" "Ohh." "But what if their wife needs them to be somewhere, and" "Ohh." "R.J." "My man, Alex Miller." "Hey, man." "How ya been?" "God, it's been so long." "Look at you." "You're still in such good shape, huh?" "Well, that was weird." "Um, Whitney, this is R.J." "R.J., this is my girl, Whitney." " Hi." " Hi, nice to meet you." "Look at you, Alex." "Finally dating a white girl." "Am I?" "You know, I have heard so much about you." "Alex is always bragging about how you guys played basketball together." "You know, like, when he took the team to state." "Well, yeah." "He literally took us." "He drove the bus." "Yeah, that's another one of those little lies we told each other." "And here's another one for you." "I never believed you in the first place." "See what we did there?" "Made everyone uncomfortable 'cause you're about to fight?" "No, just then we actually avoided having a fight because we decided to come clean about all the stupid, little lies we tell each other." "Yeah." "Turns out, when you tell the truth to somebody that you're in a relationship with, it's a good thing." " Tweet it." " Blog it." "Stop it." "Wait, you guys didn't tell each other everything everything, did you?" " Everything." " Cleared the decks." " Clean slate." " Square one." "Whit, did you tell him that the tennis bracelet he got you didn't break, you just didn't like it?" "Yep." "Did you tell her that the bracelet was a fake?" "Yep." "Oh, what'd you say when she told you she lied about being in a coma?" "Wh-what?" "You were never in a coma?" "Oh, yes, you were." "I mean, that coma got you good." "Wh-Whit, you lied about being in a coma?" "Yes, one of those little, white lies we love so much." "Yeah." " Whit." " Hi, baby." "Could you guys excuse us for a second?" "I'd like to talk to Whitney alone." "Sure." "R.J., you want to help me move the bar outside, so these two can have a moment?" "All right." "You know what?" "I'm going to go outside and get some fresh air, huh?" "I didn't know- that was, like, the first lie you told him." "Okay, we're not going in chronological order." "Ugh!" " Alex." " Whit, why would you lie and say that you were in a coma?" "I cannot believe that you faked it last night." "I mean, that is just starting to sink in." "Whit, seriously." "Fine." "I will let you bang one out." "One." "Whit." "The coma." "Now." "Look, when I told you that, we'd just spent two days straight together, okay?" "And I just-I needed some time." "Some space." "Some ice." "Have you seen my hair extensions?" "I think I swallowed them." "So I made reservations at Gino's." "I'll pick you up tonight at 8:00." "Oh, uh, you forgot the part where you ask me." "Yeah, I'm learning that giving you a choice in the matter doesn't really work with you." "Kind of just got to make you do things." "Uh, except for sex." "That's really easy to get you to do." "Okay, I, um, I can't tonight." "I just- I have a thing." "Oh." "So, uh, cancel it." "Uh, it's pretty set in stone." "So come over after." "Um, you know, I can't." "I'm still going to be doing the thing that I can't not do." "It just takes a while to do." "You know, Whit, if you're not into this, you could just tell me." "I'd hate to think that I wasted the last two days of my life in a relationship that isn't going anywhere." "Okay." "I am totally into it." "I mean, ask your neighbors." "Okay." "Well, I mean," "I just think you're being kind of shady, you know?" "Okay." "It's just, um, it's just, it's kind of embarrassing." "It's like a- like a medical thing." "I just have to get something checked out." "Well, what are you getting tested for?" "Oh, my God." "I told you four times." "No, you didn't." "What happened?" "Nothing." "It's nothing." "I" " I was just, um, I was in a..." "A, um, a coma." "Whit, you were in a coma?" "What- for how long?" "Um, five." "Years?" "No." "Days." "It was, it was, you know, um- but, you know, it felt like years." "You know, time really does fly when you're in a coma." "How did you go into a coma?" "Uh, it was not easy." "Um, but you know, I don't really like to talk about it, so..." "Oh, God." "Well, I feel terrible." "I mean, I was pulling your hair for, like, an hour last night." "Yeah, that was weird." "Um, but, you know, I, uh, it's fine." "It was actually a very small coma." "It's, um, called a comette." "So, um, but I will call you when I get back." "Okay, well, how long are you gone?" "Um, this weekend is my checkup." "You know, like, every five years," "I just have to get, like, an X-ray." "An MRI?" "Yes." "It's almost like you know more about comas than I do." "Uh, where do you go?" "Um, uh, Detroit." "Detroit?" "Why do you have to go all the way out there?" "You can't get your brain checked in Chicago?" "No, it's ridiculous." "It's just that Detroit is the best place to go for comas, but for some reason, people only want to focus on the car thing." "Okay." "I'll see you when I get back." "Come here, come here." "Hey, poor thing." "Oh, careful, you're going to reactivate it." "You know what, I, um, forgot my underwear." "Oh, you weren't wearing any." "Oh." "Got that coma brain." " That was such a stupid lie." " I know." "I mean, only an idiot would believe that." "But why a coma?" "I don't know." "Mono seemed like too big of a commitment, and hep C hadn't come out yet." "But you just kept lying about it." "Like, every time I'd bring it up, you'd just go with it." "You had four years to tell me the truth." "Why didn't you?" "Because, what kind of insane person lies about being in a coma?" "Yeah." "Well, it's going to take a little while for me to get used to the fact that you were never in a coma." "How come?" "Because it seemed to explain a lot of things about you." "Like why you're so loud." "You can't walk in a straight line." "I do veer." "I mean, something must have happened to you, right?" "You guys." "I am so sorry." "I just assumed you knew about the coma since that's why you lied about Kevin." "Well, who's Kevin?" "So we're good?" "Wait, who's Kevin?" "Oh, my God." "You're, like, obsessed with him." "What's going on out there?" "Who's winning?" "Don't know." "Couldn't find them." "Well, I knew this was going to be a disaster." "They were being honest with each other." "Things are bound to go south." "I don't know." "Me, personally?" "I want to hear the truth no matter what." "I'm a grown man." "I can take it." "The bar doesn't really offer health insurance." "So... be careful." "Okay, fair enough." "I don't really like your shirt." "You look like an alcoholic father." "My freshman year in college, I told a guy I was pregnant, so he wouldn't leave me." "But then I realized I couldn't drink, so I gave it up for adoption." "Back off, bro." "She's mine." "Whit, who is Kevin?" "And do not lie to me." "Do you remember that guy that you saw me out with the night after we met?" "Yeah." "We had been together for a year and a half." "A year and a half?" "So he was like your serious boyfriend?" "Yeah." "So those two nights you spent with me, you were in a relationship." "I feel terrible about it, okay?" "I" " I-I didn't- I'm such an idiot." "Um, okay, look." "You and I had met, and it just, it was moving really fast, and I-I didn't know what to do." "All right, so you took two days to break up with him?" "Well, okay." "We were supposed to go to a sister's wedding in Detroit." "I did not lie about that." "All right, good because that's the part that really stung." "I'm sorry, okay?" "I just- I did not handle it well." "And I, um, I just panicked in the moment." "Yeah, but you had this whole elaborate story made up, just, like, with doctors in Detroit and MRls" "Okay, no." "You said MRI." "I said X-ray." "Okay?" "And-and I just wanted to say coma and get out of there." "All right?" "But you just- you kept interrogating me about it." "Yeah, it's called being concerned, Whitney." "Which I had never experienced before, Alex." "I was scared, okay?" "Of me?" "I don't know." "I just..." "I had never been with someone who treated me well, and I didn't know how to handle, like, how much you cared about me." "You know, I just..." "All I knew was that I couldn't lose you." "All right, so you cheated on him with me?" "That's how we started this relationship, on that foot." "You know, you wouldn't have even said anything about it if lily didn't come out here." "Okay." "I'm sorry." " Okay" " Uh-huh." "Here's your jacket." "You're freezing." "I suck too." "Uh..." "I went out with another girl the weekend that you were in Detroit." "You were hanging out with some slut while I was getting an MRI?" "You weren't even really getting an MRI." "You thought I was." "I" " I didn't- I didn't know if I was ever going to hear from you again." "So when we first met, I had a boyfriend, and you went out with some girl when you thought I was undergoing a life-threatening medical procedure?" "Yeah." "We're disgusting." "Monsters." " Pigs." " You make me sick." " Me too." " How can I ever" " trust you again?" " You can't." "All right, so, uh... that's all the lies, huh?" "We're done?" "Not even close." "Me neither." "From now on, if there is something that is, like, only gonna just hurt our feelings, let's just..." "Let's just not tell each other." "Okay, but I got a good one." "Fine." "What is it?" "Those hair extensions that you took home the night that we were together, they were not yours." "Aah!" "I have a good one for you too." "What?" "Ugh." "I" " I don't love you." "Yeah, uh-huh?" "Well, I don't like your face." "And, um, I don't love you too." " Want to go inside?" " Well, let's just go home." "It'll be just for, like, a minute." " Why?" " This isn't my jacket." "That was a great night, right?" "Good tips, good people." "We broke up that fight." " Yeah, we did." " Yeah, we did." "You're pretty quick with your hands too." "What about you?" "Busting out the full Nelson." "I had to, man." "Those girls were strong." " Good first day?" " Yeah." "See you tomorrow?" "Yeah." "Oh, no." "What do I do?" "What do we do?" "Bust-blowing it up?" "Uh, tickles?" "P- pound it out?" "Let's just- we'll just do this." "Okay." "I'm so glad that's over with." "I've been worrying about that all day."