"Morning, Gareth." "# Mnamanah doo doo do-do-do" "# Mnamanah doo doo do-do" "# Mnamanah doo doo do do-do do do-do do do-do do do do-do-do-do-do" "# Mnamanah doo doo do-do-do" "# Mnamanah doo doo do-do" "# Mnamanah doo doo do do-do do do-do do do-do do do do-do-do-do-do" "# Mnamanah na na-na na-na mnamanah na na na-na" "# Mnamanah doo doo do-do-do" "# Mnamanah doo doo do-do" "# Mnamanah doo doo do do-do do do-do do do-do do do do-do-do-do-do!" "#" "Muppets." "I've not given up on going to university." "It's just that I've been made senior sales rep, which is a great opportunity." "There's people coming in from Swindon, which is a new and exciting venture as well." "I'm 30." "I want to grow up, basically." "I suggest we put this down as a lesson." "Have this stuff over to me by three o'clock." "Three o'clock today please." "Then we'll say no more about it." "All right?" "(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)" "Gareth Keenan." "Who's that?" "Oggy!" "Oggy oggy oggy!" "Oink oink oink!" "Oggy oggy oggy!" "Oink oink oink!" "Oggy..." "Oggy..." "Oggy oggy oggy!" "Oink oink oink!" "See you later." " Do you keep in touch with Oggy?" " That was Oggy." " Was it?" "How is he?" " You don't know him." " I wish I did." "He sounds great." " He is." "Could you keep the pig impersonations down?" "Yeah." "I've told you before, you can't tell me what to do, I'm team leader." " I'm senior sales rep, so I can." " Team leader beats senior sales rep." "No." "My job title actually means something." "I got a pay rise." "Team leader means nothing." "It means I'm leader of a team." "It's a title someone's given you to get you to do things they don't want to do for free." "It's like making the div kid at school milk monitor." "No one respects it." " They do." " No." "Yes, they do." "If people were rude to me, I gave them their milk last, so it was warm." "Right." "Oh, no..." "I found that in "Inside Paper"." "It's the trade magazine for the paper industry." "My ugly mug on the front!" "Embarrassing." "All right." "He's put me off what I was doing now." "Oh, yeah." "Making the phone calls." "Don't..." "Dawn, someone's coming to collect that later, so..." "Lee, I wouldn't get caught there, mate." "Top brass are milling about." " I'm going anyway, mate." "See ya." " Bye." "Sorry." "I've got to supervise everything and make sure it's all..." " You haven't visited for ages." " Yeah." "I'm a bit snowed under." " But you're all right?" " I'm fine." "You?" " Mmm." "Did you...?" " Your phone." "(PHONE RINGS)" " It's all go!" " This is Neil." " Neil Godwin." " Hi." " Neil is Jennifer's replacement." " I'm David's boss." " Just a little bit above me..." " I'm the UK manager." "I was David's equivalent in Swindon, doing the same kind of job." "My branch closed and now my staff are coming here." "So I'm David's boss, looking after him." "Looking after's the wrong term because we're both..." "Good to meet you though." " We have met before." "Ipswich conference." " Oh, God." "I was a leetle bit drunk!" " For most of the week." " Doesn't sound like me, does it?" "Anyway..." "Come into my boudoir." " Ooh!" "Is Jennifer with you?" " No." "She's on her way, apparently." "Part-timer." "Monkey!" "Just an example of the laughs we have here - for one." "Sure, we're in potentially traumatic times, but they are exciting times with the merger." "Things move fast." "Only two weeks ago, I was telling them I'd decided to stay after all, and you saw how relieved they were at that." "But we've had a personnel change of 25%, people coming and going." "Redundancies - some involuntary, which is hard." "I had to let my PA go." "Last in, first out." "Which was really sad." "That was upsetting." "I'm coping." "I rolled with the punch." "Dawn can do a lot of it anyway." "There'll be time for this later, but I'll give you some of it now." "Is that in your way?" "I'll move that." "Oh, God." "Look at that." "Stupid." "Get UK Manager of the Month, Inside Paper, and pull a daft face." " You look quite young." " Photogenic..." " It's 18 months old." " Yeah." "I got it out today to throw it away." "Definitely." " Look at that." " Inside Paper inside the paper bin!" "Recycle that." "It's a shame 'cause..." "(ELECTRONIC VOICE) Stopl Move away from the cookie jarl" "Stopl Move away from the cookie jarl" " Hello..." " Want a biscuit?" "Stopl Move away from the cookie jarl" "Good, innit?" "You know this thing we're doing lunchtime?" "A welcome do for the Swindon lot." "Just to meet and greet." "I'm going to do a speech, so no heckling." " I've got a joke you can use." " Go on." "It's Christmas dinner, royal family." "Camilla Parker-Bowles says, "OK." "I'll think of something, you have to guess what it is."" " She's thinking a black man's cock." " Trust Camilla." "It's not racist?" "No." "Prince Philip goes, "Is it bigger than the bread bin?" She goes, "Yeah."" "Charles goes, "Can I put it in my mouth?" "Yeah."" "The Queen goes, "Is it a black man's cock?"" " She's guessed it from those clues!" " Straightaway." "That's the sort of stuff I write." "You didn't write it, you just told it." "Well done." "Do it again." "Stopl Move away from the cookie jarl" "Look forward to this!" "(DAVID) Big day today." "The Swindon mob are arriving." "I've laid on a little do for them." " Sheila." " Hi, Sheila." "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "If you're asking what the vibe is, it's just a chill-out, get to know each other type of vibe." " Nice to see you." " Settling in all right?" "Jennifer's coming back to oversee the transition." "Very much holding Neil's hand." "Daunting for him." "Ooh." "Dawn, you know I don't drink!" "Eh?" "She gave me some wine and I went, "You know I don't drink!"" " Do you not drink?" " He says, "Do I not drink?"" " Yeah." "He drinks." " Right." "OK." "Just a little bit." "Take a chair - not literally!" "Ladies first." "Here we go." "You put the chairs out?" "It's great." " You're saying a few words?" " Just a few." "Don't be nervous." "Just bring me on and enjoy the show." "Some people are intimidated when talking to lots of people in an entertaining way." "Not me." "I've had experience." "At a Coventry conference, some of us put on a review and I did impressions of the conference co-ordinator, Eric Hitchmo." "He talks like this and says one thing." ""I don't agree with that in the workplace." I did him as famous people." "The compere would go, "Lt Colombo" and I'd come out in a mac." ""My wife loves you... but I don't agree with that in the workplace!"" "And I did him as Basil Fawlty." ""I think I got away with it... but I don't agree with that in the workplace!"" "And he loved it because there was nothing vicious." "Some "comedians" would have been more nasty." "He's got a withered hand, like Jeremy Beadle." "I didn't mention it." "No need." "Hello, everyone." "For those of you that don't know me, my name's Neil Godwin." "For those of you that do know me, keep shtum." "I'm a man of simple pleasures." "I don't need lovely houses and classy restaurants, so good job I moved to Slough!" "No, it's great to be in Slough." "I've just spent a year in Beirut." "(LAUGHTER)" "I know that David is worried about taking on these new staff because it'll mean more responsibility - he'll have to delegate twice as much work!" "There will be perks." "I'm sure he's looking forward to having more men underneath him." "Here's the man at the top of the pile, David Brent." "Thanks." "What he was saying about me being top of the pile of men - saying I'm gay." "I'm not gay." "In fact, I can honestly say I've never come over a little queer!" "Get to the real stuff." "That was just..." "He's putting me off." "Welcome to Slough to the new people." "My name's David Brent." "I've always been in the paper industry, haven't I?" "My parents owned a paper shop - until it blew away!" "There's better ones than that." "OK." "I'm not used to public squeaking." "I piss pronunciate a lot of my worms." "Ooh." ""The Two Ronnies"." "Classic stuff." "(PHONE RINGS)" "Turn the phone off." "If you're not concentrating, you won't enjoy it as much." "Focus." "Anyway, good to have you all here from Swindon." "I hear they dropped an atomic bomb on Swindon - did about £15 worth of damage." "Right." "OK." "That's..." "Right." "Good job Eric Hitchmo isn't here." "He'd say, "I don't agree with that in the workplace."" "Imagine if Eric was a Los Angeles detective." "It'd be a bit weird, wouldn't it?" ""My wife loves you but..." "I don't agree with that in the workplace."" "What's that, Eric?" "You've started running a hotel in Torquay?" ""Don't mention the war and..." "I don't agree with that in the workplace!"" "I don't agree with that in the workplace!" "You know Eric Hitchmo." "Who's been to the Coventry conference?" " Do you not know Eric Hitchmo?" " Yeah, but he doesn't talk like that." " Yes, he does." "Right, Gareth?" " I prefer your stuff about his little hand." " I don't do that." " You do." "The wanking claw." "Has everyone heard of Harry Enfield?" "Harry Enfield?" " Yes." " Right." "OK." "Then, who's this?" ""I do not believe you wanted to do that." "Only me!"" "Oh, come on!" "You try something and that's..." " Thanks, David." " Eh?" " Thanks." " Whatever." "Just..." "OK." "There's plenty of wine and snacks left if you want to help yourselves to anything." "Thanks." "(MURMUR OF CONVERSATION)" " I see you've got the wheelchair." " I have, yeah." "I've got a mate who's got a wheelchair." "Not a mate, I don't like him much." " I feel all right, yeah." " It looks very smart." "Cheers." "Thank you very much." "Sorry." "Excuse me." "Dawn." "You've been off reception for an hour." "I don't know if we're missing calls or what." "Could you check?" "Check the messages." "Is that all right?" "Thanks, mate." "As long as it's comfy..." "Hi." "Lunchtime gigs are the worst." "I don't think Neil warmed you up." "He's not a professional comedian." " He was funny though." " An amateur will stitch up a professional." "Here's one I should have told you." "The Royal family." "Christmas Day." "Camilla goes, "Let's play "20 Questions"." "You've got to guess what I'm thinking of."" "What she's thinking of is a black man's cock." "Charles goes, "Is it bigger than the bread bin?" "Yes."" "Philip goes, "Can I put it in my mouth?" "Yes."" "The Queen goes, "Is it a black...?" Hiya." " Sorry." "Were you telling a joke?" " No." "That was it." "What did the Queen say?" " What was the joke?" " The Royal family playing "20 Questions"." "It's not the black man's cock one, is it?" " It might be, but..." "Bad, isn't it?" " It's all right." "It's funny." "Harmless." "Well done." "Have you all met this little lady..." "this lady?" "It's a shame this had to happen today, but I've just had a complaint." " What complaint?" " I can't believe you told racist jokes." "Wrong." "No way." "He thought it was funny, so I don't know why he's complaining now." "He?" "It was a woman." "I assumed it was the... new guy." " Anyway, it isn't racist." " What is it?" " The joke?" " The gist of it." " It won't be funny now." " What's the content?" "Royal family on Christmas Day." "Camilla goes, "Let's play a game." ""You have to guess what I'm thinking of." She's thinking of a black man's cock." "So Charles goes, "Is it bigger than the bread bin?" Camilla goes, "Yup"." "Philip goes, "Can I put it in my mouth?" "Yup"." "The Queen goes, "Is it a black man's cock?"" "He's heard it before." "So that's the sort of... yeah." "I can see why that might be offensive." "I don't say anything bad about black people." " It's about a black man's cock." " It just happens to be a black man's cock." "You're using the stereotype that all black men have large penises to make it funnier." "It's not an insult." "It's a compliment." "Black people should be flattered that their only achievement is oversized genitalia?" " They shouldn't be ashamed." " It's a myth." " I could show you a magazine where..." " Could you?" "I haven't got it with me." "When are you next in?" "I could just say big cock and not mention the colour." "Or you could tell those jokes in your free time and not in the workplace." "It was his joke." "Whatever, David." "You've heard my opinion." "Shall we go back outside?" "You ought to be careful because some of them can be a little bit sensitive, so..." " Sorry?" "Who can?" " Some... people... can take things the wrong way - as an actress said to a bishop!" "That's not a gay stereotype." "I'm not saying that's the wrong way." "I'm saying it's a way." "Some straight women like it the wrong way." "It doesn't matter if you're gay." "One in ten, apparently." "That seems a bit high." "You might be..." "If you are, good luck to you." "Just make sure it's legal and be safe." "OK?" "That's it." "A lot of people can't keep up with what words are acceptable and what words aren't." "My dad, for example, isn't as cosmopolitan or as educated as me and it can be embarrassing." "He doesn't understand new trendy words." "He'll say "poofs" instead of "gays"." ""Birds" instead of "women", "darkies" instead of "coloureds"." " All right, Tim?" " Yes, thanks, Keith." " Hi." " Sorry." "I didn't mean to..." "Your T-shirt's got "Pot my pink" on it." " Play snooker?" " Not that way." " So it's..." "Rachel, isn't it?" " Tim." " Well done." " Gareth." "Hiya." "Keith." "Thanks very much." "Good luck." " Jenny." "You've met Oliver?" " Yes." " Good lad." "We were having a laugh earlier." " Yeah." " Did you like that joke I told?" " Yeah." "It was funny." " David, we've talked about this." " Yup." "Interesting." "See you later, David." "Goodbye." "She should chill out a bit more." "Maybe a bit of the old ganja, know what I mean?" "Course you do." "Meetings would be different." ""David, I've called this meeting because I want you to get me some Hobnobs"!" "Like in Scooby Doo, all those Scooby Snacks because he's got the munchies." "Dooby dooby doo! "Raggy!"" "I was not advocating the use of drugs." "I was talking to someone on their level." "I can communicate with people from all walks of life." " Olive?" " Mm." " Snacks." " So when did you come up?" "Saturday." "Saturday." "Was it your mum or your boyfriend drove you?" " No." "My brother came up with me." " OK." "Have you got ties in Swindon or are you starting again here?" " I'll be going back weekends." " OK." "Sorry." "So have you got a boyfriend or not?" "No, I haven't." " I think I left my drink over there..." " See you in a bit." "Tim, I know you don't mean to but you're cramping my style." " What?" " I'm planning to get off with her." " And what if I liked her?" " I saw her first." "And how does that work?" "You've won the argument doing that, have you?" "Of course." "Everyone's nice." " Hi." " Hi." " They came for the package." " Yeah?" " No problem." " Cool." " I'm so bored." " Are you?" "Do you want to wind up Gareth for a bit?" "I don't think we should." "He's a bit busy." " So?" " So am I, Dawn, actually." "So should you be." " Is that where you're going to?" " Mh-hm." "A few things I need." "Dawn." "I've been checking my diary." "I've been overlooking something." "So have you." "There's a 20 minute window here - "Wind up Gareth with Dawn."" "So shall we do that?" "Shall we?" "This way, please, madam." "(GARETH) I'm not in the mood." "(TIM) Just a quick one." " Did you see that film "Gay Lords Say No"?" " No." "(GIGGLING)" "Sorry." "Hello." "Could I have a quick word with everyone?" "I'm mainly talking to the Swindon lot here." "Some of you seem to have got off on the wrong foot with me." "You didn't like some of the jokes I told earlier." "You've got to chill out." "Trust me." "This is what I do." "All right?" "You will never work in a place like this again." "It's brilliant." "Fact." "And you'll never have another boss like me - a chilled-out entertainer." "Some of you didn't understand the jokes and misinterpreted one and went to Jennifer." "OK." "I'm a bit annoyed you'd go to Jennifer and not me." "Who was it that complained?" "It's not a witch hunt." "Who was it?" "Two of you." "Good." "Why did you think you could go to Jennifer but not me?" "I don't know you and I didn't like your jokes." " You shouldn't be laughing at black people." " Funny that only two of you thought that." " I didn't like it either." " Right." "You're new." "You don't know me." " I'm not new and I find it offensive." " He didn't." " What's he got to do with it?" " He doesn't mind us laughing at him." "Why should only black people be offended by racism?" "Good point." "First sensible thing you've said all day." "I say, come one, come all, we're all the same." "Let's..." "That's why there's only one black guy here?" "Wrong." "Indian fella in the warehouse." "And an Indian fella used to work up here." "He left." "Didn't like it." "Up to him." "I'd like the place to be full of 'em." "Right, Gareth?" " Well, half and half." " You are half and half, aren't you?" " I'm mixed race." " That's my favourite." "That's the melting pot." "Please." "So there's your racist for you." "So..." " He said melting pot!" "Oh, my God!" " He did!" " He didn't actually do the fingers." " Let's just get on." "Let's just love each other." "# What David needs is a great big melting pot... #" "Lee!" "Dawn?" "All right." "# So what becomes of you, my love" "# When they have finally stripped you of" "# The handbags and the gladrags" "# That your granddad had to sweat so you could buy?" "# TheOfficeS2E02" "English(25FPS).srt00006660001750000175000000070733102631554140155630ustarbodhibodhi1 00:00:35,040 -- 00:00:38,794" " Hello." "You all right?" " Yeah." "Good, thanks." "See that film last night?" "Denzil Washington?" " No." " He's a brilliant actor." " He's very good." " Oh, dear." " I like him." " He's great." " See you later." " See you later." " He's not my favourite actor of all time." " No?" "No." "My favourite actor of all time is Mr Sidney Poitier." " Well." " So..." "All right?" "Yeah." "Amazing." " Gareth, are you building up your wrists?" " Yes." "When is the charity wank-athon?" " I don't know, but you'd win it." " That's good." " Seriously, what are you doing?" " Orienteering with the TAs." "All right?" " Yeah." "I've just come to apologise." " Don't worry about it." "No." "I was out of order." "I'd had a really bad day." "I shouldn't have done it." "Well..." " So we're cool, yeah?" " Absolutely." "Totally cool." "What's that?" "Is that for me?" " Yeah." " Cheers." "There's nothing going on between them." "I've been watching him and I imagine you've been watching her, so between us we've got it covered." " See you later, mate." " Yeah." "Thanks for that." "Cheers." " Probably a bottle of something." " You reckon?" "Look at the shape." "Today I'm doing our staff appraisals." "Some people can get nervous - they think they're putting their head on the block, which is wrong." "They fill out a form in advance and they don't only list their strengths and weaknesses, but also mine as a boss." "So it's a chance for them to tell me where we're going wrong." " It's an opportunity..." " To separate the wheat from the chaff." "No." "That sounds bad." "We're not trying to find out who the worst people are." "We know who they are." "I've put them on my form." " No..." " I've underlined the worst ones." "You're missing the point." "Yeah..." " Hello, David." " Here he is." "Tim Canterbury." "A good man." ""The Canterbury Tales."" " Chaucer." " Yup." "And Shakespeare." "Pleased with you." "Very proud." "New leaf, et cetera." "Trust, encouragement, reward, loyalty, satisfaction." "That's what I'm..." "Wondering why I am so generous with encouragement?" "Trust people and they'll be true to you." "Treat them greatly and they will show themselves to be great." "So happier now?" "No looking back?" "I am eventually going to do a psychology degree, but..." "No point." "No point." "Sure, 18-19, go to university, get it out of your system." "Waste time mucking around, getting drunk..." " Having casual sex." " But we're in our 30s now." " I'm only just 30." "You're 39?" " No." "Both in our 30s is the fact." "Yeah?" "Who's to say?" "In a few years time, you could be in the hot seat..." "like me." " When I'm nearly 40." " We're both in our 30s at the moment." "Just chewing the fat." "Good." "You're on the right lines." "Can I just...?" "If we're facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking." "Very nice." "You're quite a philosopher." "It's just that I think our greatest glory... is not in never falling, but in rising when we do." " Are you reading these?" " What?" "Confucius." "Bernard Shaw..." "It doesn't matter who said them." "I'm passing on my wisdom." "Don't tell those I've been reading these." "It's an insult." "I'll put it down there." "I wanted to be a children's illustrator." "When people asked what I did, I'd say," ""I'm an illustrator, but I do some reception work."" "For years I was an illustrator who did some reception work." "Then Lee thought we should both get full-time jobs." "Then you're knackered after work and it's hard to do illustrating." "Now, when people ask what I do, I say, "I'm a receptionist."" "And a bloody good one." "You'll always have the art." "Keep up the doodling always." " Pipe dreams are good." " I still hope it will happen." "Keep the dream alive because otherwise you'll go, "Could I have made it?"" "If you keep trying, when it doesn't happen, you can go, "At least I gave it a go."" "You know?" " Are you settling in all right?" " Yeah." " Having fun?" " Yeah." "As much fun as you can have at Wernham-Hogg." " How long were you at Swindon?" " Two years." "If you had to name a role model... who would it be?" " Like a historical person?" " No, just someone in general life." "There's my mum." "She's strong, calm in the face of adversity." "I remember when she had a hysterectomy..." "If it wasn't your mother, though." "It doesn't even have to be a woman." "A man?" "OK." "I suppose if it was a man it'd be my father." "Not your father." "Take your parents as read." "I mean someone in the work-related arena." "Right." "OK." "I suppose Tim, then." "He's always..." "He's a friend." "Not a friend." "Someone in authority." " Then, I suppose Jennifer." " We said not a woman." "Or am I...?" "Er..." "OK." "I suppose you're the only one who..." "Embarrassing." "It's backfired." "Oh, dear." "Very flattering." " Can we put me as a...?" " OK." "Tim, then." " We said not Tim." "Do you want me?" " OK." " So shall I put "strong role model"?" " OK." "(ALARM RINGS)" "Just a drill." "Do not panic." " He's trained." "Good man." " Come on, people, let's get moving." " I'd be the last one out." " Do not run and do not panic." "That's just what I do." "We do these every couple of months." "Even though I'm always cool in a situation like this, some people are not, and so I try to make sure..." "I'll do that." " We were..." " No, no." "I've got it." "I'm going to get you out of here." "The lifts... are out of bounds..." "in a fire... situation, so the important thing is..." "Put her down." "This isn't worth it." "It's stupid." "This is just a drill, so we can leave her here." " Can't I use the lift?" " No, not even in a drill." "We won't be a minute." "I've got no problem with him visiting every child in a night, but I can't believe he stands in Barnardo's arguing with old women." "I don't know if you're aware of the situation that's arising here." "I usually steer clear of ladies at work, but there's someone I've got my eye on." "I won't say who." "I don't know what Tim's playing at." "He embarrassed himself asking Dawn out and this will end in tears." "Whereas I, you probably notice, play it cool." "He's not a man of the world like me." "I can read women." "You've got to know their needs." "That can be making sure she's got enough money to buy groceries or making sure she's gratified sexually after intercourse." "(ALARM CONTINUES)" "You were using all your best lines on Rachel." "Best lines!" "Just being friendly." "It was friendly, but more than." " More than?" " Friendly." "Under "strengths", you've just put "accounts"." "Yeah." "That's your job, though." "That's just..." "Keith." "I'm looking for skills within your job." "Is there anything else you can put?" " No." " OK." "Under "weaknesses", you've put "eczema"." "You had a fantastically welcoming buffet." " The wine was something else." " Everyone's quite friendly." " Everyone's..." "And Tim seems nice." " Yeah." "He's a good laugh." "I've just got to..." "Has he got a girlfriend?" " Tim?" "No." " Why?" "What's up?" " Nothing." " Why?" "Would you?" "Mm?" "Out of the equation." "I know, but if you weren't, would he...?" "If I weren't?" "Madness." "You've left this section blank." "You haven't done the QA." " I thought you filled that in." " No." "This is aimed at you." ""To what extent do you believe that you have the skills to perform your job effectively?"" "You tick the boxes. "Not at all." "To some extent." "Very much so." "Don't know."" " What would you tick?" " Don't know." "OK." ""Do you feel you have received adequate training to use your computer effectively?"" " What are the options?" " They're always the same." ""Not at all." "To some extent." "Very much so." "Don't know."" " Don't know." " Don't know again." "OK." ""Do you feel you are given the flexibility to decide how to accomplish your goals?"" " Do you want the options?" " Yeah." ""Not at all." "To some extent..." Always the same." " "Very much so." "Don't know."" " Don't know." "If "Don't know" wasn't there, what would you put?" " What are the options?" " "Not at all." "To some extent." " "Very much so." "Don't know."" " Very much so." " Do you remember the question?" " No." ""Do you...?" We're going to leave that." "Just going to give the new Swindon lot a..." "It's not an appraisal as such, but... (LAUGHTER)" " Sorry." "Just showing them..." " Keep them occupied before the main event." "I hope you warmed them up better than last time!" "Doesn't look like it." " OK." "See you later." " See you." "Bye." "Anyway... good." "Hello." "I can't give you an appraisal - you've only been here a week - but I wanted to see how you're settling in." "I know it's not the same vibe you're used to." "Neil ruled with more of an iron fist." "Settling in?" "Having a good time?" "How is it different?" "More laid back, presumably." " Think it's more laid back?" "Yeah?" " Yeah..." "Say yes, then, if it's more laid back." "More fun." " Well..." " Eh?" " Nothing." " Go on." "We're actually used to doing stuff, like working hard, being motivated." "There's not much dynamism." "People get away with murder." " Having a laugh, yes." " Quite a few of us are bored." "What, you prefer Swindon?" " More of a laugh." " You're having a laugh saying that." "What's so good about Swindon?" "Neil?" " Yeah, for one." " You prefer Neil to me?" "Who thinks Neil's more of a laugh than me?" "That's mental!" "Come off it." "You..." "Come out for a drink with me and see who's more of a laugh." "We'll go for a drink lunchtime." "Right." "Right." "Here we are." "There's an outing, lunchtime." "Show them what the Slough lot are like." "Keith, what are you doing lunchtime?" "Welcome to Alcoholic's Anonymous!" "No." "Purely social." "I know an alcoholic and it's no laughing matter - particularly for his wife." "She's got alopecia, so not a happy home life." "Their eldest is like Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man"." "That probably turned him to it in the first place." "Looking forward to the weekend?" " Yeah." " Cheers." "That's a lovely drop." "That's Courage." "You get a lot of that round here because the main brewery's in Reading." "They do it in London too." "What's the brewery in Swindon?" "Is there a big...?" " It might be Courage actually." " Dunno." "No." "This is all right, though, isn't it?" " Nice pub..." "Eh?" " Just a private joke." "I was saying this is nice." "There's a lovely pub near me - the Gardener's Arms." " What are you doing?" " That bloke looks like someone we know." "OK." "One at a time." "Focus." "You'll get more out of it in the long run, I promise." "I forgot what I was saying." "That's what happens when you..." "Courage..." " Three points." " Don't do that on my head." " Unless you've changed into a dartboard." " The dartboard makes no difference to you." "I could sit here and still get 180." " Hiya." "You all right?" " Straight." "A couple of my mates are going down to Yates's..." " The wine lodge?" "Classy." "Joking." " I was wondering if you'd like to come." "Or not." "And you, Dawn." "Bring Lee." " I don't think we can..." " OK." "You can come?" " Yeah, I can." " Great." "OK." " Tonight?" " Yeah." "Just after work." " Have a couple of drinks, yeah." " Cool." " OK." "See you later." " See you in a bit." " That'll be fun." " Yeah." "Yes." "It'll be cool." "Cool as a cucumber." " Good?" " It was all right." "I've eaten here, so..." "If you want a really good pie" " The Gardeners." "It's been a washout, hasn't it?" "If no one else is going to make the effort." " We have made the effort." " Eh?" " We have made the effort." " Yeah." "I'm not having a go at you." "Obviously the best people haven't come." "I'm going back to the office." "See you later." " Come on, Neil." " All right." " Gareth." " Nearly." " What are you doing?" " Having a laugh." "You could have had a laugh in the pub." "Dangerous, isn't it?" " You should work." "It's quarter past two." " All right." "We're just finishing off." "Just want to be popular as the new boss." "Oh, love me!" "Pathetic!" "I think we should call it a day there." "Do you mind putting those away?" "Guys, can we go back to work?" " David, can I have a word?" " If you want." "Obviously you've got a problem, what is it?" "No." "Time for work, wasn't it?" "If you don't want to say, fine, but don't speak to me like that in front of staff." " You're acting like a petulant kid." " Yeah." "Don't stand out there and embarrass me and yourself, because I will not stand for it." "I've been trying to deal with this situation delicately because I was embarrassed that I'm now your boss, but you have to live with it." "I don't let anyone talk to me like that and certainly not you." "Do you understand?" "Do you understand?" "Good." "You're a good bloke, Dave, and if there's a problem I'd rather discuss it sensibly." "Shake on it?" "Great." "Thank you." " I'll see you guys later." "Take care." " Cheers, Neil." " Did you hear any of that conversation?" " No." "I had it out with Neil." "He showed his true colours." "He seems like a good bloke." "I'd better not say anything, then." "Watch your back." "Slagging you off." " Slagging you off." " Me personally?" " Just me?" " Yeah." "And you." "Slagging all you lot off." " What's he saying?" " Saying you lot were rubbish." "I was going, "Your Swindon lot are shit."" " He got aggressive and I went berserk." " Did you hit him?" " He'd have come through that wall." " He's pretty trim, mate." "Yeah?" "Against karate?" " What did he actually say about us?" " Just slagging you lot off." "I went, "Your Swindon lot are little slugs with no personality." ""You're jealous that we're better at everything."" "If it did kick off with him, I don't want you lot getting hurt." " I'd step in." " This is big boy shit, mate." "Hit him above the ears because the vacuum in the brain kills instantly." "I'd want to keep the twat alive with the shit I was going to pull." " All right?" " Hello." " You don't have a boyfriend, do you?" " No." " Any kids from previous marriages?" " No." " Would you like to come out for a drink?" " I can't." "I'm going to go out with Tim." " Tonight?" " Yeah." " Can I come?" " Not really." " You're not going to get off with him?" " It's not your business." "Sorry." "It's none of my business." "Go and have a drink, by all means." "Enjoy yourself." "If you don't go all the way with Tim, I will still be interested." "Thanks." "Good to know I have something to fall back on." "What if I go all the way with Tim but want more with you?" "I don't usually do sloppy seconds, but I judge things on individual merit, so we'll cross that river when we come to it." " Thanks." "That's good to know." " No problem." " One in the kettle?" " Yeah." "It's just boiled." "One amendment." "If you do go all the way with Tim and you expect me to go in there afterwards, make sure he wears a condom." "It's sort of a rule." " Is there any milk?" " Yeah." "In the fridge." " See ya." " See you later, mate." " You going home?" " Yup." " That's for you." " Cheers." "Can you call Neilson's... and get that credit rate faxed over or emailed or whatever?" "Sure." "And do you mind typing up those appraisal contracts?" " Sure." "See you Monday." " See you." "Dawn, I'm fed up." "I'm fed up, to be honest." "It's just..." " Why?" " I think this place is a right shit hole." " Do you?" " Yeah." " Do you think I'm funny?" " Mmm." "Yup." "Do you think Neil's funny?" "Sit down." "Do I think Neil's funny?" "I don't really know him, David." " But he's not funnier than me?" " Definitely not." "I wish you'd tell that to the Swindon lot - miserable bunch of..." "Aren't they?" "Boring." "What's your favourite stuff that I do, comedy-wise?" "Um..." "Oh, there's too much." " The impressions?" " Yeah." " Which ones?" " Er..." "Which ones are there again?" " Kermit?" " Brilliant." ""Welcome to the er Muppet Show." "Hai-ya, Frog!"" "Miss Piggy." "Do you know Kermit's nephew, Robin?" "# Halfway up the stair is the stair where I sit... #" " Do you do Gonzo?" " No." "Do you want a beer?" " Er..." "I can't go to the pub." " I've got some here ready." "For emergencies." "Cheers." "I was looking through... some old poems I used to do." " Oh?" "I didn't know." " Yeah." " What sort of...?" " Quite sort of... powerful." "Here's one." "Shall I read one to you?" "This one's called "Excalibur"." ""I froze your tears and made a dagger and stabbed it in my cock forever." ""It stays there like Excalibur." "Are you my Arthur?" "Say you are."" " Good..." " "Take this cool, dark, steeled blade." ""Steal it, sheath it in your lake." ""I'd drown with you to be together." "Must you breathe?" "'Cause I need heaven."" " Um..." "It's powerful." " Very." " Did you get the double meanings?" " I did." "(WHISTLING)" "# So what becomes of you, my love," "# When they have finally stripped you of" "# The handbags and the gladrags" "# That your granddad had to sweat so you could buy?" "# TheOfficeS2E03" "English(25FPS).srt00006660001750000175000000072050102631557240155620ustarbodhibodhi1 00:00:28,120 -- 00:00:31,590" " He's sort of..." " It's ten to ten." " Pardon?" " It's ten to ten." " I can't speak..." "Here he is." " Hiya." " Nice jacket." " Whatever." " Looks like mine." " What make's yours?" " Armani." " Expensive." " And yours?" " Sergio Georgini." "New shoes as well." "Quite a heel on them." " We still on for ten?" " Yup." "People see me and see the suit, but they know I'm rock and roll through and through." "You know "live fast, die young"?" "Not my way." "Live fast, sure." "Too bloody fast sometimes!" "But die young?" "Die old." "I'm not orthodox." "I don't live by "the rules"." "If there's one other person who's influenced me in that way of thinking - someone who's a maverick, who does that to the system - it's lan Botham." "Beefy will happily say, "That's what I think of your selection policy." ""Yes, I've hit the odd copper, enjoyed the odd doobie." ""Piss off." "I'm walking to John O'Groats for some spastics."" "(NEIL) You been reorganising stuff out there?" "It looks a bit chaotic, that's all." " We're assimilating." " Assimilating what?" " Just taking on people and putting them..." " Into lots?" "Yeah." "Just categorising." "Not in any sort of like "label me"..." "But just, "That's your vibe." "That's your vibe."" "What's in here, then?" "Oh, my God." "A leather basque." "Fantastic." "I've always wanted one of these actually." "Cheers, guys." "Let's try it on." "See if it fits." "You should try it on properly in case you have to take it back." "Try it on without that stuff underneath." "Happy birthday." " Oh, my God!" "It's disgusting." " Even I'm shocked." " You dirty mare!" "Does it work?" " One size fits all." "Sorry." "Can I just...?" "Look at the face." "Gareth, look at the face." " I'm not touching that." " Why?" "Look." " You don't know where that's been." " It's been in a box." " In the factory." " Your amazing mind again." "In my experience, women who work in factories are slappers." "Thank you for my lovely presents." "They're malleable... and that's what I like, really." "I don't like people saying, "We do it this way."" "I just want to go, "Do it this way..." "if you like." "If you don't..."" "Team playing." "I call it "team individuality"." "It's a management style." " Guilty." "Unorthodox." "Sue me." " It is." "But nothing ever changes by staying the same." "Quite literally." " Hi, guys." " Hello." "You like that." "Is that because it looks like yours?" "Yeah." "It's identical." "Mine's not that size - it's very tiny - but it is made of plastic." "Mine's massive and it ain't made of plastic." "I dare you to put it in Brent's office." " Why?" " As a dare." " He's having a meeting with Neil." " That's the challenge." " Why would I do it?" " It would make me laugh." " I'll do it." " I'll do it." " Just hide it in there somewhere." " Just hide it?" " Yeah." " Simple." "Couldn't be easier." "Straightforward." " (KNOCKING)" " Come in." "Sorry to interrupt." "I just wondered if..." "I've completely forgotten what I came in for." "I'm sorry." "Come on, Tim." " Get it back." " Too many late nights." "Sorry." "It's totally gone." "I'm holding your folder." "Sorry." "It's gone." "BSE." "No more beef." "There's something you can do for me." "My lot haven't been down to the warehouse." " Would you mind taking them?" " Not at all." " There's not a lot to see." " Everyone should know everyone else." "Tell Glynn I said it's OK." "Tell Taffy that I said it was OK and Neil agrees with me." " OK." " Thanks, Tim." "That was brilliant." "Did you see it went under the folder?" " Gareth, out of ten?" " Three." " Three?" "!" " Three?" "!" ""You can't beat a bit of bully!" "Bullseye"!" "Here they are." "Likely lads." " Hi." " New shoes." " Fashion." " Do you want a game?" "Yeah. "Up to the oche." "Let Tu-oni look after you."" ""Two in a bed."" "(CLATTER)" "Shit flights on those." "A bit fuddy-duddy, darts, for a couple of young lads." " Not young. 29." " Over the hill." "How old would you say I was?" " 40?" " No." "How old do you think I look?" " 39." " Most people think I look 30." " Definitely not." " You calling them liars?" " What do you think?" " Well, between 30 and 40." "Yes." "More honest." "(MOTOR WHIRRS)" "OK." "We're about to enter a warehouse environment." "Some of the people here will be working-class." "There may be arse-cleavage, so..." "Find a partner." "Hold hands." "Don't talk to anyone." "Are you cheering?" "OK." "Let's go." "Here's the hub of the operation." "Working hard as usual." " All right?" " The stripper's arrived." " OK." "You get five minutes, but no touching." " I always knew you were bent." " She'll get 'em out for a tenner." " Fuck off." " What?" " Lend us a tenner!" " You won't see them tonight." " It's OK." "I've got cable." "OK." "I'll show you this aisle first." "Bender!" "(THEY LAUGH)" "No!" "Get lost, you cheeky bastard." "No!" "David." "This is Ray and Jude." "Ray and Jude..." "Sorry." "Forgotten where you're from." " Cooper  Webb - consultants." " Who's Cooper and who's Webb?" " Neither of us." " I bet you get that all the time." "No." "Anyway..." "First things first." "Any more mail?" "Mr D. Brent." "That's me." "Come through." "Must just..." "Shoot." " Are you aware of what we do?" " No." "Basically, we organise training days for corporations and individuals who pay to get an advantage in business." "But it's not just boring facts." "We train them how to walk into a room and say, "You're doing business with me."" "I'll stop you there." "I don't need anything like that." "I do my own training." "Sorry." "No..." "We're not trying to get your business." "We'd like you to be one of our experts." "Good choice." "Why did you dudes swing by here in the first place?" "We'd heard good things about it." "We got your name from Andy Hitchcock." "Oh, God." "Cockle." "Cocky." "The Big Cock." "Next time you see him, ask him if he got the grass stains out - not in front of his wife." "What sort of tip would you want me on?" "We're looking for people who are dynamic, good communicators." "People who can communicate with young people - 20-somethings." " You don't see heels like those much." " You can still find them." " What sort of bunce is it?" " Sorry?" " Well, to start with..." " Bunsen burner." "Bunsen burner - nice little earner." "Hence the..." "Bunce." "To start we'd put you on about £300." " £300 for an hour's work?" " You'd only talk for 15 minutes." "15 minutes!" "That's..." "That's £1,200 an hour pro rata." "That's the sort of fee I'd be looking at." "Yeah." " When would you want to do it?" " Soon." "Count me in." "Thank you." " We could make some dates now." " Absolutement." "What's that?" " It's a dildo." " Is it yours?" " No!" " No." "I don't know..." "Sorry." "This is an example of problems." "Let's have a look." "OK, everybody." "What am I doing in there with a dildo?" "She says it's not hers and I believe her, so whose is it?" "Right." "What's it doing in there?" "It's a birthday present, but I don't know what it's doing in there." "OK." "Good harmless fun." "Many happy returns, but what have we learnt from this?" " Not to leave your dildo lying around?" " Don't let it out of your sight." " (BUZZING)" " Oh." "What's that?" "Just..." "Sorry." "How do you...?" "Oh, it's worse." "What do you do when that happens?" "Can you make sure that gets back to...?" " Can we put some dates in?" " Sure." "We're in the middle of something." "You've got to smuggle this about your person." " I'm not saying anything about..." " If you want bravery, I'll do a dare." " Bravery?" " OK." "I'm going to write things for you to say." "Come here." "Then I'll phone David and I want you to say them." " No." "You'll make me sound like a bender." " I swear I won't." " No way." " It'll just be funny things." "I won't sound like a bender." " Hello?" " It's Gareth." " I'm in a meeting at the moment." " Yeah." "Just going to say a few things." "All right." " You're doing a great job." " OK." "Just an employee saying what a superb job I'm doing." "Is that it?" "No." "I like your little beard." " OK." "Is that it?" " One more thing." "What?" "You should wear tighter trousers." " Can I call you back?" " Yeah." "Bye." "That was genius!" "Genius." "Genius." "Brilliant." "Our website has profiles of our speakers." "Can you answer a few questions?" " Go for it." " OK." ""If you could have lunch with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"" "Martin Luther King and the Dalai Lama..." "and Rory Bremner." "Those two could get a bit heavy, and he'd lighten things up." "Do impressions of them... and me!" ""What's your biggest disappointment?"" " Alton Towers." " Oh." " I've never been." " It's rubbish." "Next." " Hello." " Hiya." " Still doing your practical jokes?" " Yeah." "I'm trying to do some work now." " I've got some." " Have you?" " Yeah." " What you got?" "Oh..." "I used to do loads..." "What were they?" "We can think of some." " Absolutely." " Some new ones." " Some good ones." " For?" "What about Gareth?" "It's time he had some tricks played on him." "What would your motto be?" "Some bosses are intimidated by training their staff up too well." "I don't mind it." "I actually like my staff to be better than me." "That keeps me on my toes." "So my motto would be..." "Be careful because there's always somebody ready to step into your shoes and do your job better... than... you..." "do it." "Heh heh." "I'm gluing the phone." " In the name of fun." " He will hate you." "(ALL CHEER)" " What's in it?" " What's this?" " It's a little birthday bash for Trudy." " Who organised this?" "I did." "Bit over the top." " How much did that cost?" " I made it myself." " Made it yourself?" " Every year he does." "Bit sweet." "Too rich." " That's really nice." " His lemon drizzle cake's even better." "I prefer a flan." "Whoo!" "It's a pleasure to watch you." "She's a prude." " No, she's not." " She is." " Really?" " She's very..." " Not 40?" " It's true." "Every time that does happen..." "Are you in a meeting?" "I've just had an interesting meeting." "Those two are business people." "They've got a business and they arrange management training seminars where they get expert speakers - John Harvey-Jones type figures." "They've asked me." "So..." "Yeah." "Perfect for me, because not only do I have a natural authority with people, but I'm an all-round entertainer, so..." "Those qualities." "Keep it under your hat." "See those two business people under there?" "(PHONE RINGS)" " Is that you?" " Yeah." "Could have had my eye out." " Hello." "Gareth Keenan." " Cock!" "Thank you!" "Oh, glorious!" "Did you see that?" "He still picked it up." " Was that you?" " We glued it." " Was that superglue?" "Oh, my God." " Yes." "It wouldn't take much time." "I appreciate your interest, but I'm just so busy." " What are we talking about?" " We want to involve this chap." " You could have asked me." "It's a bit rude." " We'd use both of you..." " I can do both." " I can't anyway." " Can I have your card anyway?" " No point." " We might be able to persuade you." " If he goes back on it, he's weak." " We ought to be going." " Yeah." "Leave as agreed." " We'll be in touch." " Nice to meet you." "Bye." "You're definitely not doing it?" "I thought you were trying to worm your way in." " I'm not interested." " Why?" "Beneath you, is it?" "No." "I don't think you can teach people that sort of thing." " Depends who the guru is." " Beware of false prophets!" "That's my point." "It's not all about profits." " I meant prophets..." " I meant, I meant." "If only, if only." "If only me auntie had bollocks, she'd be me uncle." "Every time in one." " OK." "Top Trumps." "Pop stars." " Pop stars?" " Do you know how to play?" " Yeah." "I don't talk about my love life for a very good reason" " I don't have one." "Which is good news for the ladies." "I am still available." "I'm a heck of a catch." "I mean, I live in Slough, in a lovely house... with my parents." "I have my own room, which I've had since I was born." "That's seen a lot of action." "Mainly dusting." "I went to university for a year..." "before I dropped out, so I'm a quitter." "So, yeah, form an orderly queue, ladies." "Look at him." "I've been on safari and I've never seen anything like that." "I've got 94." "I have got 94!" "I do." "Well, I've been known to do that." " Are you complaining?" " No." "Number of haircuts." "Is that a valid thing?" "Are you getting mullered?" " Not really." " You've spilt some on your..." " I know." "Shall we carry on with the game?" " I wish you would." "Can I have...?" "Stop that." "If anyone wants to pay me that for 15 minutes work, they can... (MOBILE RINGS)" "Chris Finch." "Finchy!" "All right?" "Go on." "What's the difference between a fox and a dog?" "About eight pints of lager!" "It's party time here." "You coming in?" " Why not?" " I'm already here, you fat twat!" " Neil, my good friend, Chris Finch." " I know Chris." "Nicks all my jokes." "I do not." "I borrow them." "Has that Lisa moved up here?" "No." "She's looking for a job." " If it's a blow job, I'll help." " She's not desperate." " I'll take her up the dole office!" " Dole orifice!" " Rubbish." " I've got a vacancy she can fill!" "That's better." "His work." "Don't try and..." " What are you like?" " Another one." "Once a year, kid." "Cheers, cheers." "If you like Top Trumps, you should come to me." "I've got five sets." "Don't try to beat me at Monster Trucks though." " It's a game of chance." " It's not." "I'd know which cards you'd got by what I'd got." "I used to play it by myself with a dummy hand, testing out which cards beat which other cards, for hours sometimes." "Three or four hours at a time, but the rewards are obvious." "I know exactly which cards you've got from what I've got, so I would know exactly what feature to pick on my card to defeat any card that you could have in your hand." "You will never win." "It'd still be fun, though." " Do you know what they're paying me?" " No." "Right. 15 minutes work, 300 quid." " £1,200 an hour" " You do the math." " Yeah." "It'd be £1,200 an hour." " That's the..." " Can I have a birthday kiss?" " You certainly can." " No tongues." " Oh." "Oh..." "That's good, isn't it?" "Didn't ask me out of respect." "Knows I'd say no." "Didn't cross a boundary and that's..." "Good girl." "Go on." "I do it from behind if I don't like their face." " Cheeky bastard!" "You like my face?" " I love your face." "You're beautiful." " You can still do me from behind." " Ooh!" "I'll do you from behind if it's a quick in and out, no strings attached." "That's really sweet." "Why don't you put that in an email to me?" "All right." "(SOFT DANCE MUSIC:" ""GROOVEJET" BY SPILLER)" "# One kiss, two kiss, three kiss, four Five kiss, seven kiss, eight kiss, more. #" "(MUSIC: "RED WINE" BY UB40)" " Birthday girl." "Hello." " Hello." " You all right?" " Mmm." "Great." "I'm just going to have a quick word." "I know it's your birthday and you're flirting with everyone." " I know you wouldn't take it further..." " I would!" " Why not?" "It's all equal." " I'm just having a laugh." " I don't know what you're after." " A man!" "Hung like a shire horse!" "Aren't they big magnificent animals?" " You say what you mean, don't you?" " Mmm." "I'm just not sure you're going to find it in here." " I'd ask you, but you're a bit old." " In my 30s." "Born in the '30s!" " I'm 30-something." "I'm 30s." " But you've let yourself go a bit." "Me?" "How about you?" "You're an embarrassment, love." " Bull rags?" " What?" " I thought you said bull rags." " No." "Raw eggs." "If you keep eating raw eggs, it makes you randy, but it allows you to do as many reps as you want." " How's the old car business?" " All right." " Who's this?" " The Corrs." " They've done some good tunes." " Didn't write that, though." " Who did?" " Don't you know?" " No." " Not into pop music?" " I prefer RB." "So who wrote that?" " Fleetwood Mac." "I prefer their version." " I know who I'd rather wake up with!" " Sexist." " They can play my instrument!" " You wouldn't pull the Corrs like that." " Like you know!" " Why are you laughing?" "I'm a dark horse." " Like you could get anyone like the Corrs!" " Just 'cause I don't kiss and tell..." " You don't kiss, there's nothing to tell." " He'd end up with the brother!" "No." "I'd push the brother out of the room, bend them all over, do the drummer, the lead singer, and that one who plays violin." "See?" "Your fault." "Putting filth in people's minds." "# So what becomes of you, my love," "# When they have finally stripped you of" "# The handbags and the gladrags" "# That your granddad had to sweat so you could buy #" " My knees hurt." " Nearly done." "TheOfficeS2E04" "English(25FPS).srt00006660001750000175000000074130102631562360155630ustarbodhibodhi1 00:00:32,080 -- 00:00:34,753 (INAUDIBLE)" "Sorry." "No problem." "No problem." "Um... half an hour?" "Another day, another dollar." "Any mail?" " That's your..." "That's an earring." " Whatever." "Get over it." " How long have you had that?" " Too long, baby." " It's bleeding." " Really stings." " Is it an old one that...?" " Yeah." "I had to push really hard." " They heal over." " It had healed over." "So I opened a sore..." " What are you looking at?" " Nothing." "You know Ray and Jude that I had the meeting with?" "You know they do training seminars and use expert speakers." " They're using me... for my..." " Expertise." "The good news for you is you're involved." " How?" " I'm doing one tonight." "I'm getting quite a bit of money for it. £300." "So I need someone just to carry my bag and organise..." " I'm not..." " £100 for an hour's work." " £100 for an hour?" "That is a lot." " 80." " You said 100." " 90." " You said 100." " All right." "Get there early, then." "Sharing the wealth, see?" "Looking after..." "That is silly money." "I should have..." "Very exciting." "It's what I've always wanted to do." "I've had these cards made up." ""David Brent." "Assertiveness and guidance training in business." ""If it's in you, I'll find it." That's actually what I do." "I just point out what you've already got." "I'm like a spiritual guide." "The reason I put "lf" it's in you is if I waste time and money looking for it and I can see it's not in you, I don't want to be sued because you haven't got it." "You're not going to get me on that." " What's going on here?" " What does it look like?" " When were you going to tell me?" " Huh?" "I can't believe you'd get off with a bird I fancy." "Why not?" "I can't believe a bird fancies you over me." "He's a weird little bloke." "Look at his hair." "He looks like a Fisher Price man." "His rubbish clothes." "There must be something wrong with you, but I'd still do you, so I'm confused." "I'll ask you straight." "Can anything happen between us two while this is going on?" " Like what?" " Specifically?" "Yeah." "Hand job?" "Don't answer." "Think about it." " Do I look like a Fisher Price man?" " Yeah!" "Don't say yeah." " Hi, Dawn." " Hi." " Your favourite computer geek is here." " Jesus!" "All right, Simon?" "How's it going?" "What are you doing with my computer?" "It's not your computer, is it?" "It's Wernham-Hogg's." "What are you doing with Wernham-Hogg's computer?" " You don't need to know." " No, but tell me anyway." " I'm installing a firewall." " What's that?" "Protects your computer against viruses, worms and Trojan horses and limits your Internet communications." " How long will it take?" " Why?" " Out of interest." " It will take as long as it takes." " How long did it take last time...?" " It's done." "When it comes back on it'll ask you to hit yes, no or cancel." " Hit cancel." "Do not hit yes or no." " Right." " Did you hear what I said?" " Yup." " What did I say?" " Hit cancel." "Um..." "I'm an educator." "I'm a motivator of people." "I excite their imaginations." "It's like bloody "Dead Poet's Society" when they all stand on the tables..." "I wouldn't want them on the tables - it's against Health and Safety." "Life is about communication." "We live for threescore year and ten and it's "Did I communicate?" "Yes." "Did I get something across?" "Yes."" ""Are you going to pay me for it?" "Yes." "Lots." Not why I do it, but thank you." " Going karting this weekend with the lads." " What, down Super Karts?" " Mm." " You any good?" "Came first last time." "Got a certificate." "I went down there when it opened." "I did a couple of laps, pulled over." "The owner said, "No professionals." I said, "I'm not a professional."" "He said, "You're not a professional?" "You should be." ""Take up Formula One." "You'll be the best in the country."" "I said, "I'm not interested." "I'm making shitloads in computers."" "You ever tried speedway?" " Have you?" " Yeah." "I was doing it once, bombing it round and some idiot had left a ramp thing out." "People were going, "If that guy hits that ramp at that speed, he's definitely dead."" "I hit the ramp, turned over in the air." "They were going, "He's definitely dead."" "Landed on my wheels and pulled over." " About five?" " Five." " Who's this chat with?" " Mothers' meeting?" " Dawn says she's shutting down at five." " Just half an hour early today." " Can it run OK without her?" " Yeah." "They can answer their own phones." " So we can lose her altogether, can we?" " What do you mean?" " Either she's needed or she's not." " We do need a receptionist." "You haven't put a system in place." "You've told Dawn to shut at five." "You haven't told people to get the phone." " Does Dawn know about the post?" " They can do their own post." "It's no use telling her now." "There's no system." " I'm tired of this fuzzy thinking." " Chill out." "Don't have a cow, mate." "Don't talk to me like you've forgotten who's in charge." "I'm your boss." " Yeah." " Try and think things through." "That was your fault." "I took the rap for you." "Once, when Bruce Lee was filming, one of the extras started a fight." "He was amazing at Kung Fu but Lee did a roundhouse on him..." "No." "He smashed him through a wall." "Instead of firing him, he said, "Go on with the filming."" "Those cats were fast as lightning." "You know he fights Chuck Norris in "Enter The Dragon"...?" " No." " You've not seen that?" " No." " Have you not...?" "That is a classic." "I've seen him fight Chuck Norris in "Way Of The Dragon."" "That's what I meant." "You said you saw him fight Norris in "Enter The Dragon"." "He fights Bob Wall in both, but Norris is only in "Way Of The Dragon."" " So he's fighting Norris..." " In what?" " "Way Of The Dragon."" " Correct." " Um..." " You know Bruce Lee's not really dead?" "It's in a book." "He faked his own death to work undercover for the Hong Kong police" " infiltrating the Triads." " I reckon it's true." "Yeah, because if you wanted to send someone undercover, you'd want the world's most famous Chinese film star!" "Gone off Dawn now, have you?" " What?" " What?" "What are you talking about?" "Just shut up." "Shut up." "Do a credit check." "We haven't worked with them for ages." " I said we'd go round about four." " Yeah." " Oi, Tim." " Mm?" " You shagged her yet?" " What?" " Your bird?" " Rachel?" " Have you done her yet?" " Course he hasn't." "I don't kiss and tell, Lee." "(LEE) I bet you bloody have." "Lips are sealed." "Don't ask me." "He's done well there." " What do you mean?" " She's tasty." "She's nice." " You don't know her." " She's very attractive." "She's not very attractive." "Ray will introduce me and I'll come out and do a few gags, then I'll go, "You have to be thick-skinned in business." ""Whether you're the tea-boy or the manager, people will try to shake your spirit." ""Do not listen." "Let's do an exercise."" "Then I'll pick on someone at random." ""Sir." "What's your name?"" " Say your name." " Leroy." " Who's Leroy?" " The coloured fellow off "Fame"." " Use your own name." " Gareth." ""Hi, Gareth." "Insult me." "Let me show you that sticks and stones may break my bones" ""but names will never hurt me."" "Throw some insults at me and I'll roll with the punches." "The Swindon lot don't respect you." "They don't know me." "And it's not true." "Do something else." " People are laughing at your heels." " I'm not going to wear those shoes!" " And the earring?" " They're having a go at that?" "What else?" " They've given you a nickname." " The Swindon lot?" " Everyone's using it." " What is it?" " I don't really..." " What is it?" " Bluto." " The villain from Popeye?" " 'Cause of the beard?" " Because he's..." " What's that?" "I can't believe this." " They'll know it was me!" "David!" "Hello." "Sorry, everybody." "Look, we are one big happy family here." "I've been trying to welcome you new guys." "I didn't want you here, but you're here now, so well done." "Welcome." "But if there's one thing I don't like, it's nicknames." "Because nicknames are bad... names." "Yeah?" "They're not helpful." "They can be hurtful." "Not to me - it's like water off a duck's back, but..." " You used to call Malcolm "Kojak"." " That was affectionate." " He was a great detective." " Maybe "Mr Toad" is affectionate." " Who's Mr Toad?" " Some people call you that." " I thought I was Bluto?" " Yeah." "Bluto and Mr Toad." "Why am I Mr Toad?" "There's the face again." "It's an insult, isn't it?" "Very..." "Body fascism that is." "The toad is the ugliest of all the amphibians." "If we're handing out insults for being fat, let's have a go at him." "Look at him." "And he's got glasses." "Let's call him Four-Eyes as well." "Why don't we call him Fatty Fatty Toad Boy?" "At least start on him and then move on..." "Mr Toad!" "I can't..." " Everything adding up?" " Yeah." "It was a real mess beforehand." " On top of it now?" " Yes." " How about you, Brenda?" " OK, but I didn't get my wages." " Did you not?" "Did you tell David?" " Yes." "I told him in time." "I'm sorry about that." "Let me sort that out for you." " I don't want to cause..." " Don't worry." " Working hard?" " Working out." " Fit body." "Fit mind." " Good." "Couple of things." " Did your wages go through OK this month?" " Yeah." " Yours, Gareth?" " Yup." "Good." "So you two are OK." "Why, then, has one of your team not been paid this month?" "Oh." "Eh?" "No." "He fears my methods because he doesn't understand them." "Human nature, but relax." "I don't want all this, "What are you doing?" "How are you doing it?"" "No." "Judge me by my results." "This is not the first time you've forgotten something important." " People shouldn't have to come to me." " Snitches." "I've never seen you write anything down." "Do you use your computers?" " You've got to have a system." " It's all up there." " It's not all up there, is it?" " Most of it is." "When I was managing the Swindon branch, we thought your branch were having a laugh." " Thanks very much." " Not in a good way." "Mucking around at the expense of Wernham-Hogg." "Who's to say if they weren't having a laugh, it would be..." "I'm not interested in that." "I think you'd rather be popular than steer the ship." "Rubbish." "This branch has performed very well." "I want it to perform a lot better." "What is "better?" On a graph of people versus task, where does the line go?" "Where I say." "If you can't improve your sales - with or without making people laugh - you and I will have to have a serious chat." "Is this why you're always around?" "I don't need a babysitter." "With respect, David, you do." "I'm worried this management thing tonight is affecting your performance." "It's extracurricular, like golf." " I play golf." " There." "Yes, but I'm performing as I want me to perform." "You're not." "I'm performing as I want to." "It's a good performance." "Let's agree to disagree." "No." "Let's agree that you agree with me." "Ooh." "You're hard." "Showing off because..." "I think I've made my point, David." "I'll see you later." " What are you doing?" " You're tense." "I am with him..." " Does that feel nice?" " Yeah, but..." " Do some more work on your abs?" " Not now." " Is he ready yet?" " Who?" " David." " I dunno." " What are you doing tonight?" " We're going to the pub." " "We" is?" " Me and Rachel." " Excellent." "Just a couple of pints." " We won't go mad." "Think of me, stuck with..." "You should come for a laugh." " We'd better stay out of it." " Definitely." "Wise." " All right, babes." " See you later." "See you later." "We're off on our date." "It's not a date." "I'm paying her." "What sort of date is that?" "And £100." "What would I get for that?" "Not that I would." "Everything, I imagine." "I'm not imagining any of it, but I do know..." "I'm just..." "Carry that." "That's what you're being paid for." "Tonight you've got two groups." "They're both from Reading." "The other three guys have all done it before, so..." " I'll introduce you when they get here." " I love being backstage." "Can I take a photo?" "It's for the website and the newsletter, if that's OK?" " No problem." "You taking a light reading?" " I think it'll be OK." " If you just..." " Yeah." "Just be yourself." "A bit more relaxed." "Something like that?" " Not quite." " OK." " Maybe if you just sit down." " You're the boss." "I'm looking forward to this." "I think it'll be quite a good one." " Hello, mate." " Are you guys talking at this gig as well?" "Yeah." "We're just having a sneaky joint." "Well, partially decriminalised now anyway, isn't it?" "At last." " Go for it." " OK." " Is it skunk?" " Just weed." "You want a taste?" " You sure?" " Yeah." "I'm on a diet." "When I get wasted, I go to munchie-city, so..." "I'm mad enough without the gear as well." "I'll take a rain check." "Catch you later." " Yeah." " Chill." "We've got four speakers for you tonight, so no messing about." "To begin with, from Sound Investments, Mr Mark Found." "Let me dispel a myth." "If you're a success, some people will tell you you shouldn't be able to sleep at night." "You should." "Why?" "Because this is a business." "Your future hasn't happened yet." "You shape it." "You're in the driving seat." "Thanks." "Thanks to Richard Clark from Stockport Graphics." "Now advice on motivational techniques." "From Wernham-Hogg, Mr David Brent." "Get out." "Go on." "I've opened the door for you." "If you're not going to make it, go now." "Yeah?" "Save us all a bit of time." "If you don't think you can cut it." "No?" "Good." " You finished in there?" " No." "OK." "You're all thinking, "You're a success." ""You've achieved your goals." "You're reaping the rewards."" ""Oi, Brent!" "Is all you care about chasing the Yankee dollar?"" "Let me show you something I keep with me." ""Collective Meditations." It's a collection of philosophers, writers, thinkers." "Native American wisdom." "And it's really showing you that the spiritual side needs as much attention as the physical side." "It's about feeding the soul." "Evolving spirituality." "Foreword by Duncan Goodhew." "So..." "Can I read one that I think...?" ""If all men were to bring their miseries together in one place," ""most would be glad to take each his own home again" ""rather than take a portion out of the common stock."" "It's saying the grass isn't always greener on the other side." "Don't see your neighbour and think, "He's got a better car." "A more attractive wife."" "We all wake up and go, "Oh, I ache." "I'm not 18 anymore."" "I'm 39..." "I'm in my 30s." "But so what?" "At least I've got my health." "If you've got one leg, at least you haven't got two legs missing." "If you have lost both legs and both arms, just go, "At least I'm not dead!"" "I'd rather be dead in that situation, to be honest." "I'm not saying people like that should be put down." "I'm saying that in my life, I'd rather not live without arms and legs because..." "I'm just getting into yoga, for one thing." "Are you familiar with the term, "laughter is the best medicine"?" "It's true." "When you laugh, your brain releases endorphins, your stress hormones reduce and the oxygen supply to your blood is increased." "I try to laugh several times a day because it makes you feel good." "Let's try that." "Who-hoo-hoo." "Just..." "Trust me, you'll feel..." "Yeah?" "(DAWN) I'd be lying if I said my life had turned out exactly as I'd expected." "My old school recently had a school reunion, which I didn't go to, but one girl in my class, it turns out, is running her own Internet auction website, making a fortune and is married to a marine biologist." "She used to eat chalk." "That's about it from yours truly." "Thanks for taking all I had to throw at you." "I'm spent." "I am now going to make like a banana and split!" "He got it." "OK." "Before I go, though, promise me you'll remember one thing." "Just remember... (TINA TURNER) # You're the besti" "# You're better than all the rest" "# Better than anyone" "Listen to her." "# Anyone I've ever met" "Come on." "Get into it." "# I'm stuck on your heart" "I've been David Brent." "You've been the best." "Goodnight." "# Tear us apart" "# Baby, I would rather be dead... #" " (MUSIC OFF)" " Er..." "Our thanks to David..." " Who stopped it?" " I did." "No." "Leave it going right to the end till I get..." " Don't do that again next time." " Sorry." "David Brent from Wernham-Hogg." "(SPARSE APPLAUSE)" "I'll let you into a little secret - I was worried whether I still had it." "I'll let you judge." "High five." "Thank you, Dawn." "Oh, jeez!" "Here he is." " Tina too much for you?" " Possibly." "Hold me back, because when I'm out there I am..." "And it's like..." "So that's up to you, I'm afraid." "They seemed to go for it." " Knock knock." " You all right?" " Yeah." "Well done." " What did you think?" " My tastes are traditional..." " Too rock and roll?" " Possibly." " Each his own." "That was me on a seven." "Wait till you see me on a nine or ten!" " Here's your cheque." " Thanking you." "More importantly, what pub we going to?" "More important than £300?" "I don't think so!" "Where we going?" " We'll just grab some food and go home." " Pizza?" "Yeah?" "Never mind Pizza Express, what about beer express?" ""Next stop, drunkenness!"" "We can go anywhere you want." "Chinese?" "Indian?" "As long as it's..." "It's on me!" "The Three Musketeers!" "(JUDE) Oh, I can't." "(RAY) What?" "(JUDE) There's something I've got to do." "(DAVID) Just us two, then." "What clubs are round here?" " I'm not going to a club." " You bloody are!" "# So what becomes of you, my love" "# When they have finally stripped you of" "# The handbags and the gladrags" "# That your granddad had to sweat so you could buy # TheOfficeS2E05" "English(25FPS).srt00006660001750000175000000065716102631564240155750ustarbodhibodhi1 00:00:28,320 -- 00:00:32,279 All right?" "Just another normal day at the office." "Just a normal day, innit?" "What?" "What are you laughing at?" "He's mad." "Obviously, Red Nose Day." "It's always a good laugh." "Keith?" "This is the sort of thing..." "Ali G?" "Ali Keith!" "Gareth, come here." "Normal day, normal office." "What are you doing?" "I'm going to hop everywhere." "I'm sponsored." "That's the sort of thing we'll be doing today." "We raised quite a lot last time, didn't we?" "It is Comic Relief and we're raising money for people who are starving to death." "If I make people laugh while I'm saving lives, sue me, but..." "Do it." "Boyakasha." "That's an accountant and that's the boss encouraging it!" "Is this normal?" "I've got the "Slough Gazette" coming down." " What time are they coming?" " Five-ish." " They'll love us." " It's just me." " We can all be in it." " Not really." " They'll love us." " Stop trying to worm into my photo." "Everyone's joining in." "This young lady..." "Ooh, a bit saucy." "Selling kisses for the lads..." "or any ladies who like that..." "I don't think there are any here, and if there are, good luck to them." " It's different for girls." "Lower risk." " Erotic." "Well, not in this case." "I mean, it's not a sexual day." "It's er..." " Here's the man." "Finchy!" " Brentmeister!" "Kisses for a quid." "It's a good cause." "Do you mind kissing me on the nose?" " No." "Put your quid in." " OK." "Kiss me on the nose!" "What do I get for a tenner?" "Squeal, piggy, squeal!" "(GRUNTING AND SQUEALING)" " No." "I'm not that desperate." " Who says famine has to be depressing?" "(TIM) Don't get me wrong." "I've got nothing against it, it's a good cause, but I don't want to join in with someone else's idea of wackiness." "If you see someone collecting for Cancer Research because they've been affected by it or an old bloke selling poppies, there's a dignity about it - a quiet dignity." "No." "Come on, guys, leave it." "Leave it." "Please!" "And that's what today's all about - dignity." "No!" "No!" "Always dignity." "Bastard!" "My wife and kids are gonna see those!" "There's people watching going, "Oi, Brent!" "Why are you bothering with Comic Relief?" ""There's still people starving." That's why I'm still doing it." "You should too." "Probably put a number up there, shall we?" "If people want to make donations." "I hear people go, "The money just goes to hungry foreigners." Not true." "A lot of it stays in this country and goes to home-grown problems..." "AKA the disableds." "A lot of money goes to these fellas." "Not to you." "You don't need it, you're working." "If you do claim for it, that's up to you, as long as you don't abuse the system." " A lot of them are." " What do you mean?" "People abuse the system." " Ensure people who say they're crippled..." " Disabled." "...actually are..." " Disabled." "You think people pretend to be disabled to claim money off the DSS?" " I think there should be tests." " (TIM) What tests?" "Stick pins in their legs, see if they react." "I have feeling in my legs." "I just can't walk." " I'm just saying there should be tests." " We're all ears." "I dunno." "When they go down the DSS to make a claim, they should set off a fake fire alarm so everyone legs it, leaving them there." "If they're fake, they'll be running with you." "If not, they'll be screaming for help." "Then you come back in and say, "Don't cry." "You've passed." "Here's your money."" "Spend it on one of those little blue cars or whatever..." "It's just one idea." "So..." "She's joining in with it." "Do you want to put this nose on?" " No, I don't." " It's up to you." "Her own decisions." "Gareth, you know I'm doing kisses for a pound too." " I wouldn't pay you if you were." " I'll put your pound in." " So you can kiss me." " I wouldn't kiss you if you paid me." "I am paying." "It's quite simple." "As it's for charity, I need to just get..." " Why are you such a bender?" " I'm just..." "Get off!" "I'm not kissing you." "You are such a pervert!" " It feels good, though." " Get off!" "I hope you're getting all this." "I hope your girlfriend knows or she'll get a big surprise." "Is that your big surprise?" "I've found his big surprise." "All right." "OK." " Flipping heck." " You take things too far." "All right." "Don't get so het up about it." "Ha ha!" "Hoo!" "Hah!" "That was one way." "I didn't kiss him back." "He's funny." "He's a funny bastard." "(EXCITED SHOUTING)" " Pass it back." " You got it?" "Yep." "You got it." "Gather round, everybody." "We've got a surprise for you." " Remember where we were in that game." " Sheila?" "Nice costume." "You look fantastic." "Please give a big warm welcome to the fantastic Neil Godwin and the lovely Rachel." "OK." "It's that time again." "We've both suffered for our art here, please suffer with us and give generously." "Thanks." "Jennifer, could you do the honours?" "(MUSIC: "MORE THAN A WOMAN" BY THE BEE GEES)" "# Oh, girl, I've known you very well I've seen you growing every day" "# I've never really looked before but now you take my breath away" "# Suddenly you're in my life a part of everything I do" "# You got me working day and night just trying to keep a hold on you" "# Here in your arms I found my paradise" "# My only chance for happiness" "# And if I lose you now I think I would die" "# Oh, say you'll always be my baby we can make it shine" "# We can take forever just a minute at a time" "# More than a woman" "# Baby More than a woman to me... #" "(MUSIC: "YOU SHOULD BE DANCING" BY THE BEE GEES)" "# My baby moves at midnight" "# Goes right on till the dawn" "# My woman takes me higher" "# My woman keeps me warm" "That looks gay." "# What you doin' on your back?" "Aah" "# What you doin' on your back?" "Aah" "# You should be dancing, yeah" "# Dancing, yeah... #" "Thank you very much." "You can add that to yours." "Cheers." "I've already raised more than that." "£300 we did last time." "If you wanted dancing, you should have come to me." " Do you dance?" " Big time." "Yeah." "More modern steps than that." "I've fused "Flashdance" with MC Hammer shit." " All right." "Show us your moves." " No, there's no beat." " Come on!" " He had music." "Well..." "Just for charity, I'll do a little bit." "# Do do do-do do dah... #" "(ALL CONTINUE)" "(ONLY DAVID CONTINUES TO HUM)" " So..." "That's..." " Great, David." " Give me a bit of warning..." " We have to give a donation for that?" "All the money collected is for both dances - both excellent dances in their way." "Mine was impromptu, but I don't think you should get extra points for that." "Make your own minds up." "Leave me out of it." "It's for charity." "You've seen me entertain and raise money." "Maybe I'd like to do that for a living." "Use my humour and my profile to both help and amuse people." "And if it's ideas for TV shows - game shows or whatever" " I'm your man." "I'm exploring that avenue with my management training, but I'd like to do that on a global scale." "It's not, "Look at me." "I'm entertaining whilst saving lives." "Aren't I brilliant?"" "It's going, "If you think I'm brilliant," ""help save these guys who are starving, but are also brilliant."" "Not as entertainers." "A lot of them can't speak English." "Don't give them a game show, but save them from dying at least." "Then maybe they can do something in their own country on television or whatever they have... the wireless." "Give them a job on the World Service or something." "We're from the local mental hospital." "Is Gareth Keenan here?" "He's escaped." " He is mental." " Here's my crew." "Kisses for a quid." "Yes." "My mad mates." "That's all we need." "(BLOWS RASPBERRY)" " Sorry about this." "My mad mates." " Er..." "Well..." " They finally came to take you away!" " Are you mad as well?" " Guilty!" " He's the boss." " Give us a job." " I've already got one reprobate." "Jimmy the Perv and the Oggmonster." "What's the weather like up there?" "Your parents put you in a gro-bag?" " "Let's grow a lanky, goggle-eyed freak!"" " No need to get offensive." " I didn't call you Fatty." " All right..." "Don't have a go at the eyes, because that's astigmatism I've had from the age of five." "That's what makes them a bit bulbous." " I didn't call you whale man." " But I don't call myself the mong boy." " The Oggmonster." " I'm not calling you that." " That's my name." " What's your real name?" " Nathan." " It's a good name." "I'll call you Nathan." "I didn't call you Fatty!" "(DAVID) What's the matter with him?" "I've got a sponsorship form for Comic Relief." "I wanted to enter into the spirit." "Gents, sorry to interrupt." "Would you sponsor me?" "I have to hide as many of Gareth's possessions as I can from him." " What?" " Hiding Gareth's belongings." " I'll give you £2 for the lot." " That's a generous offer." "They're waiting for me." "Break it up." "Put her down!" "No, they wouldn't." "She wouldn't." "Her husband's loaded." "He does OK." "Oh, dear." " What a day!" "He's still..." " David, do you have that report?" " Glad you brought that up." " That's why I'm here." "Yes." "Um..." "Formulating a lot of good ideas..." "I don't want to talk about a report we're going to do soon." "I want the report we talked about four days ago that was due today." "You know how important this report is." "I discover that this is the fruit of your labours." " Don't go through my stuff." " Read the first sentence for Jennifer." ""Imagine a cross between 'Telly Addicts' and 'Noel's House Party'." ""You've just imagined 'Upstairs Downstairs', devised and hosted by David Brent."" "David, I don't understand this." " Contestants run upstairs and get a clue..." " Not the game show!" "I don't understand why you haven't done the report, or your consistent failure to do what is asked of you." "You're viewing my methods like there's something missing." "You're looking at the jigsaw that it is through a keyhole when you should be..." " Some words would be useful." " Actions speak louder than words." "You're on a warning." "That's my action." "Three strikes and you're out and things have got to change." "Fine." "Give me all three now, then, because I'd love to see you run this place." "You'd have a mutiny on your hands, but if that's what you want..." "That's not what I want." "I want you doing your job." " Take the verbal warning..." " Still the warning?" "...learn from it and let's move onwards and upwards." "OK?" "Neil makes me laugh, though." "It's his interfering." "It's his timing." "Going on about some report." "It's Red Nose Day." "What's more important?" "You, Neil, with your report or starving children?" "Oh, I don't know." "What would Lenny Henry say?" "Imagine him going out on Comic Relief day and Dawn French is going, "You haven't done the washing up."" ""Do it yourself!" "I've got to save some Africans!"" " What are you reading?" " A holiday brochure." "Why is that, then?" "Going on holiday?" " Possibly." " Where to?" "The States." " United States?" " Yeah." "Don't know if you've heard the gossip, but Tim's going out with Rachel." " Er... yeah." "I'd heard." " He used to fancy you, didn't he?" " Did he?" " Yeah, he did." "And now he's found someone better." "Yup." " Seen my phone?" " Huh?" "Where's my phone?" " Have you got...?" " No." "Where have you put my phone?" " I don't believe it!" " Gareth..." " I've told you not to touch my stuff." " Listen..." " It's for charity." " What else have you taken?" "My tiny tanks!" " How am I supposed to work?" " You'll have to hop to it." " A lot of crime in America." " Right." "Well, I'll be careful." "Word of advice." "Keep your traveller's cheques in a bum-bag." "Thanks." "I'll buy one." " When you get there?" " Yup." "Word of warning, then." "Out there they call them fanny packs." "'Cause fanny means your arse over there not your minge." "Where's...?" "God, you're so immature!" " I demand that..." " Gareth's stopped hopping." " How can I do any work?" " It's for charity." " It's for you winding me up." " He's stopped hopping." "I don't have to hop all day." "It's just when I'm moving." " Where does it say that?" " See?" "That's mine, for a start." "Where's the rest of it?" "Gareth." "OK, Gareth." "Just calm down." "Have a seat." "You've been on your foot all day." "God!" "How do you hide a chair?" " Dawny." "Take that?" " Yeah." "You all right?" "All right?" "There you go." "Prawn and avocado." "See you later." " You're not going to eat here?" " I've gotta get back." "I made £19 today." "Any of it going to English kids or all going abroad?" "Well..." "Stop moaning and give her a quid for a kiss." " I'm not paying for it, mate." " Them's the rules." " All right." " Thank you." "There you go." "Come here, you." "Good." "That's great." " See ya." " See ya." "Right." "Oh..." "My contribution." "Thank you." "Where do you want your kiss?" "Your kiss?" " It's all right." " You've got to have a kiss." "It's the rules." " What you doing?" " Just working." "I'm very, very, very bored." "Excuse me." "Desk procedures." "Chairs are for sitting on." "He's jealous he's not getting the view you're getting." "Wrong." "I got the arse this side." "I'd only want to be there if you had on a skirt and I could look up there at it." " Aren't you going to defend my honour?" " No." " You'd better get off the table." " He's embarrassed by his girlfriend!" "I'm not." " Are you all right?" " Yeah." "We're cool." " Today or tomorrow?" " Tomorrow lunchtime." " Excuse me, David." " Yes." " Can we have another quick word?" " Not now." "I'm running downstairs." ""The Gazette" are coming in to take my picture." "I'm going to be in the paper." "Wernham-Hogg are." "Free advertising." " This shouldn't take long." " OK." "Sorry to spring this on you." "We've been discussing something you said earlier - it's something we've been thinking about too." "We'd like to offer you a very generous redundancy package." "Are you offering it or telling me I've got to take it?" " We're telling you to take it." " We'll put in a proper meeting tomorrow." "That's good timing, isn't it?" "Telling me that today." "The day of laughter." "Brilliant." "That's that ruined." "That's what I was..." "It's got pockets and everything." "Now I'll try and go down and be funny." "That's going to be good, isn't it?" "With that going through." "I knew you were planning something." "Jennifer, do you agree?" "Because we can..." "I'll be all right." "I've got other irons in the fire." "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me." "I'm going to love to see you telling that lot, because you'll have a mutiny." "They will go berserk." "Definitely." "If that's it, can you leave now, please?" "I've got stuff to do." "I've got laughter..." "I've got money to raise." "Mouths to feed." " Thanks for your time." " Yeah." "If you're wondering what that meeting was just about in there..." "That's it." "I've been made redundant." "Yeah." "After it was me who saved others from redundancy." "And then it's back..." "The good die young." "But um..." "Yes..." "I said you lot are going mental." "Now I've got to go and give laughter." "But..." "See ya." "Eh?" "See ya." "OK." "Can you just make it peck?" "Just run around a bit." "Yeah." "Good." "Good." "OK." " Smile." "It's for Comic Relief." " Can I stand here?" "Peck at your mates like Roy Hudd." " Rod Hull." " Yeah." "Just do that." "Good." "Yeah." " OK." "That's fine." " All right?" "It's a bit dark." "I didn't bring a flash." "Probably won't be able to use these." " Don't be disappointed." " No." " Thank you." " Cheers." " Well done, David." " No worries." " Did I miss it?" " Yes." "# So what becomes of you, my love," "# When they have finally stripped you of" "# The handbags and the gladrags" "# That your granddad had to sweat so you could buy... #" "Boyakasha." "TheOfficeS2E06" "English(25FPS).srt00006660001750000175000000064307102631567160155750ustarbodhibodhi1 00:00:42,040 -- 00:00:44,998 For you." "Give me a call." "One for you." "I don't look upon this like it's the end." "I look upon it as moving on." "It's almost like my work here's done." "I can't imagine Jesus going," ""I've told people here in Bethlehem I'm the Son of God." "Can I just stay here?"" "No." "You've gotta move on." "You've got to spread the word." "You've got to go to Nazareth." "And that's very much like... me." "My world does not end here." "Slough's a big place." "When I've finished with Slough, there's Reading, Aldershot, Bracknell." "You've got Didcot, Yateley." "Winnersh." "Taplow." "Because I am my own boss, I can..." "Burfield." "I can wake up one morning and go, "I don't feel like working today." "Can I stay in bed?"" ""You'd better ask the boss." "David, can I stay in bed?" "Yes, David."" "Both me." "Not me in bed with another bloke called David." "Be a bit weird for you when I'm...?" " Different, certainly." " Sadder." "I am telling this to everyone." "I do not want you going, "That's it." "We're out of here." "There's no point..."" " (PHONE RINGS)" " Sorry." "Can I get that?" "Hello." "Oh, that's great." "No." "That's a load off my mind." "Thanks for calling." "Cheers." "Bye." " Sorry." " I want to... you know..." " Oliver?" "They took the lot, mate." " You lucky..." "You were bricking it." "I was, yes." " All I'm saying is, I don't want you..." " Sorry." "Can I just phone Steve?" "Yeah." "You're busy." "Steve." "It's Jamie." "They took the lot, mate." "Yeah." "No, it was a team effort." "Yeah." "That's what I thought." "Here he is." "The big man." "Ow!" "Clumsy." " Hello." " Hiya." " How are you?" " All right." "How are you?" "My mum and dad phoned me last night." "Basically, we have this beautiful cottage in the New Forest." "Once a year we have this family do, and Mum and Dad wanted to know if we'd like to come." "Oh, I can't." "When is it?" " We'd have a week, two weeks' notice." " Yeah." " It'd be on a weekend." " That's tricky." "That's the problem." "Well, I kind of told them that we'd go." "You told them?" "I wished you'd asked me." "(PHONE RINGS)" " Hello." " Oggy oggy oggyl" "Oi oi oi!" "All right, Oggy?" "Keeno here on speakerphone." " On speakerphone?" " Yup." " Titsl Who heard that?" " Everyone, you mental head." "Shut up." " You coming down for Gobbler's birthday?" " Yeah." "Jimmy the Perv coming?" " Yeah." " What about Fish Fingers?" "He can't come because Susan caught him getting off with what's-her-face." " That is mental." " Yeah." " See you later, then." " Gonadsl" "Mentalist." " Hear that?" " Mm." "Oggmonster." "Here we are." "The madhouse." "Hiya." "Hi." " All right, Tim?" " All right?" "What, her?" "She's writing an article on me." ""Inside Paper"." "Ben's..." "Ben, are you wondering who that is?" "Well, I'll tell you all." "If you're wondering who this stranger is, she's writing an article on me for "Inside Paper"." "Where have you been?" " Warehouse." " You missed this." "She's writing an article on me for "In..."" "Subject matter." "Right." "What do you want to know?" " Do you mind if I talk to your staff later?" " Why?" "I thought I'd have a chat to some of them." " I want to see what they say." " I won't put anything nasty in." "They won't say anything nasty." "OK." "Would you like to tell me about your individual outlook on management?" "Put..."Brent is refreshingly laid-back for a man with such responsibility."" "Just answer in your own words and I'll work that out." "Um..."Brent mused and then replied..."" "Just say what's on your mind and I'll get it down." "Are you getting it down?" "I'm going to be pretty..." " Just..." " Well..." "OK." "Your question was "Is it difficult to remain authoritative and yet so popular?"" "No, it wasn't." " I'll answer that first..." " Can we stick to my questions?" "Well, maybe you should be clear what the question is." "OK." " He said on the nog." " Offensive." " What's so funny?" " Nothing." "I was just um..." "I was just talking to Emma about..." "What is that pub we went to on Friday?" " (PHONE RINGS)" " Gareth Keenan, hello." "Hi, baby." "It's Anne." "Are you coming round tonight?" " Can't." "Going up Chaser's with the lads." " Come round first." " All right." " Have some fun." " OK." " Are you going to bring the toys again?" "Yeah." "OK." "Yeah." "Look forward to doing it to you, too." "All right." "Bye." " The toys?" " Shut up." "What are the toys?" "Is it Buckaroo?" " It's not Boggle, is it?" " Shut up." " If it's Ker-Plunk, I'm coming round." " It was a private phone call." "Don't put it on speakerphone, then." "Yeah. "The Jolly Farmer"..." "Is it Hungry Hippo?" "Private life." "Just to flesh out David Brent the man." "Is there a better half?" ""David quipped, 'Why buy a book when you can join a library?"'" " So you play the field?" " Well..." "I don't use chicks and shit." "I'm just chilling out while I'm young." " And is there a chick in tow?" " I don't kiss and tell." "Are you in a relationship at the moment?" ""Brent says, 'No comment'."" " So you don't have a girlfriend?" " Well, what is a "girlfriend"?" " Someone you'd have sex with?" " Don't get coarse in a public magazine." "You won't win a Pulitzer for filth." "I got this for my mate Gobbler." "It's his birthday." "We're all going up Chaser's." "(WOLF-WHISTLE) Oh, yeahl Come on, come on, babyl" " Come on, come on, babyl" " Watch." "(JANGLY VERSION OF WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE PLAYS)" "Oh..." "Oh..." "Ohl" "Oh, nol" "You know Gobbler, don't you?" "You seen this?" "Come on, come on, babyl" " Come on, come on, babyl" " Watch." "He'll love that." "He comes in his pants." "Do it again." "I don't give myself a hard time about things." "I'm 30 years young now." "I'm not someone who has specific goals about doing this or that by my age." ""Why haven't I taken that chance?"" "If you look at life like rolling a dice, then my situation now may only be a three." "If I jack that in now, go for something better, I could easily roll a six." "No problem." "I could roll a six." "I could also roll a one." "So I think sometimes just leave the dice alone." "That's why my professionalism is only as important as..." " (KNOCKING)" " Come in... my humanism." "Hi." "I just wondered if you've got time for a chat." "I've always got time for staff, Dawn." ""He's always got time for staff."" " Before you go..." " "Even though a lot happening in his mind."" "Shoot." "Before you leave, I wanted to hand in my notice." "Ooh, no." "Thought this would happen." " Who else is thinking of doing this?" " No one." "Don't throw your career away because I'm leaving." "I know it won't be the same." "That's not why I'm going." " Reading between the lines." " You haven't read it." "Is it just a coincidence you're handing in your notice when I'm leaving?" " Yes, it is." " Is it?" " Can I ask why you're leaving?" " I'm going away with my fiancé." " Where to?" " The States." "OK." "Thanks." "What are you going to write about this?" "OK." "I thought we were..." "Getting back to..." ""Strings to Brent's bow." "A) Philanthropist."" " Hiya." "Have you got a minute?" " Yeah." "Sure." "When David goes, we're probably going to do an external appointment." "We wondered if you'd do us a favour in the meantime and be caretaker manager." " Blimey." "God..." " Just doing David's job..." "Obviously there'd be acting-up pay." "That's really flattering." "Thank you." "Listen, I'm going to say no and..." " It's a bit more work for a lot more money." " I've got nothing to spend it on." " It's only temporary." " I thought that about this job!" " OK." " So I'm..." "Listen." "I think you should give it to Gareth." "Seriously, I do." "He takes things seriously." "He's conscientious." "He works hard." "Oh, yeahl Oh, yeahl" "He knows this place inside out." "I think he might be the man for it." "(WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE PLAYS)" " Thanks, Tim." " Thank you." "Oh, no..." "Oh, nol" "It says that for women, the most important qualities in a man are... eyes, smile, flat stomach..." " Yup." " Buttocks..." "Yup." " You've got good buttocks, Gareth?" " Yes." " Can we see them?" " No." "Gay." "Let's put it out." "Sheila, what do you look for in a bloke?" "I like blacks." "Cool." " Trudy, how about you?" " I quite like shy men, actually." " Yeah." "I understand that." " Would that be yours?" " No." " What do you look for in a man?" " Rugged good looks." " You tell me it's a good sense of humour." "Yeah." "You've got a good sense of humour." "Yeah, I know." "Rach, have you got a sec?" "I just wanted to tell you..." "I don't know how to say it." "This is so hard." " Well done." "She's crying." " I know." "Just leave it." " Up to me to clear up your mess." " Just stay out of it, mate." "You dumped her, so it's nothing to do with you any more." "She needs cheering up." "Don't take Dirty Bertie." "Don't..." "I beg you." "Don't take Bertie." " Overruled." " If you have to go, don't take Bertie." " Hi..." " Fuck off." "Potty mouth." "There you go." "So..." "Stay in touch." "Cheers." "People can't believe I'm this happy to be leaving." "Not because there's anything wrong with it, but you know I did that thing at the centre?" "Well, as I was giving that motivational speech," "I could literally see them all getting all motivated from it." "It's like being born again." "It showed me how much I had to offer other people." "These are the guys from Cooper  Webb, the management training consultants." "This is Ray." "This is Jude." "This is Helena." "She's writing quite a big article on me for "Inside Paper", the trade magazine." "I've mentioned our thing, so..." "You don't mind if she sits in?" " Not if you don't." " I'm coolio." "OK." "(PHONE RINGS)" "Hello." "Wernham-Hogg." "Yup." "I'll put you through." " I'll be in in a few days." " OK." "If you've got any problems, give me a call..." " OK." " See you later." "Bye, Dawn." "Probably wondering who they're going to offer David's job too." "Me." " You got it?" " Yes." " Congratulations." " Thank you." "You can start bucking your ideas up." "Starting with your appearance." "It's going to be a well-oiled, tight ship around these here parts." " What sort of management training is it?" " We..." "I'll answer." "They use celebrity speakers..." "expert speakers." "And my personal tip is my rise to the top, which gives it a whole new edge." "So..." "OK." "So where are we?" "Shoot." " We'd like to thank you for your time..." " No sweat." "...but we won't be using you again." " You won't be?" " Why not?" " It's not what we were looking for." "I'll do it how you..." "I did it like that because that was the vibe of the day." "How do you want me to do it?" "We have a very specific idea of what we're looking for..." "Oh, fucking hell!" " We would like to thank you..." " Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "Yada, yada, yada." " Go on, then." "Timewasters." " We're sorry..." "Oh, get out." "Go on." "Thank you." "Wasting my time." " Me as well?" " Yeah." " Would you mind if I took a quick photo?" " No." " I'm waiting for the flash..." " Yeah." "There's a green light." "OK." " Right." " Can I take one more for safety?" " Waiting for the green light." " I know." " Right." " Thank you." " Hello." " Hi." " All right?" " Fine." "Am I fine?" "Um..." "I've just heard you were leaving." " Blimey." " Say it isn't so." " Word gets around fast." " It's true?" " Yeah." " Were you going to tell me?" " God, yeah." " You were?" " Yes." " OK." "Are you going to another job?" " No." "Lee and I are going to go away." " On holiday?" "No." "We're going to Florida for about six months." "Something like that." " Six months?" " Mm." "Lee's sister lives out there, so we could live with her." "He's not happy in his job." "I'm not happy in mine." " Is there a name for this?" " I don't know." "Starting again?" "Right." "Starting again." "We'll just get our heads together, I think, and... you know." "Cool." "Oh, God." "Hello." "The adventurer." "She's just telling me about the American thing." "Yeah." "Me sister's over there." "Got a big house." " We haven't seen it yet." " Seen pictures." "Her husband's raking it in as well." "Yeah." "We thought we'd get a mobile home, drive up the coast till the cash runs out." "Then come home or get a place out there." " Accommodation's well cheap." " Is it?" "If Dawn gets a job on reception, she'll be twice as well off." "That'd be nice, wouldn't it?" "Good luck." "I'd better get back to it." "Cheers, mate." " Hi, love." "How you doing?" " Good." "You looking for swimming costumes?" "Bikinis?" "A real relationship isn't like a fairytale." "If you think every time you see each other you're going to glow or every time you hold hands there'll be electricity, you're kidding yourself." "What about reliability, paying the mortgage or someone who's never been out of work?" "Those are the more important practical things... in reality." "As I said before, when I asked Dawn out, I didn't ask her out, I asked her as a friend." "She was having trouble with Lee at the time and it wasn't like a..." "Under different circumstances, something might have happened." "She's going away now." "You can't change circumstances." "Sorry." "Excuse me." "Dawn, can I have a word in here?" "Ta." "(MICROPHONE RUSTLES AND GOES OFF)" " (MICROPHONE ON)" " She said no, by the way." " You all right, David?" " Fine." "You?" " Yup." " Good." "Small talk done." "Thanks very much." "Everyone really appreciates what you've done." "Yeah?" "OK." "Down to business." "That's what we've come up with as a redundancy offer." " Yup." "More than I expected." " We've been quite generous." "Bada-bing." "You can leave on the third with your holiday, I understand, which is a Tuesday." "Did you want to come back for a party on the Friday or leave on the Friday before?" "Whatever." "OK." "Well, again, thanks very much, David." "Don't make me redundant." " Please." " Look, David..." "I don't want redundancy." "I haven't signed anything." "So..." "David, unfortunately, it's not up to you." "All right, then." "Well, I'm asking." "OK?" "Please don't make me redundant." "You can talk to someone, Jenny." " The wheels are already in motion." " Stop them." " We're not going to discuss this now." " Say it's not definite before you go." "I will try twice as hard." "I know I've been complacent." "I'll turn this place around if you say it's not definite now and then we can..." "You're not going until..." "Starting from now." "(DAVID) Life is a series of peaks and troughs... and you don't know whether you're in a trough until you're climbing out or on a peak until you're coming down." "You never know what's round the corner." "But it's all good." "If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain." "Do you know which "philosopher" said that?" "Dolly Parton." "And people say she's just a pair of tits." "# So what becomes of you, my love," "# When they have finally stripped you of" "# The handbags and the gladrags" "# That your granddad had to sweat so you could buy... #" "(PHONE RINGS)" "Hello." "Wernham-Hogg."