"So, Mr. Hansen..." "As you know, we have all prospective employees take a lie detector test prior to join our firm." "So, if you don't mind" "We're going to begin with a couple of control questions." "Should I be hooked up to something?" "With the old system, yes." "But with the new Lie Detector 3000..." "It's programmed to go off when it hears you tell a lie." "For example, go ahead and tell an obvious lie." "Grass is blue." "I'm a tall black man." "I've never seen Jersey Shore." "I love it." "I've never missed one." "I've heard good things." "Now go ahead and say something that is true so we can properly calibrate the machine." "I have a 12 inches penis." "That's kind of weird." " Should've gone off." " Why?" "Because... there's no way you..." "I have a 12" penis." "Actually might be 13..." "No?" "I guess it's 12." "Wait, seriously?" "Hey Mike, you got the chance to email me those mission statements?" "Ah, yeah." "I did it last night." "I did it this morning." "Alright!" "Haven't even started yet." "Well Mike, you're the best." "You suck." "I'll be back at my desk working." "I'll be playing Angry Birds on my phone." "Please state your full name." "Dane Christopher Hansen" "Is it true that you reside at 1444, North Sierra Bonita Avenue?" "Yes." "Apartment 3." "How do you do it, man?" "Oh, um..." "When I moved here, I went on Westside rentals..." "No." "It's like 88 dollars..." "How do you live... with a 12 inches penis?" "I mean, how is that even possible?" "Okay." "Uh..." "I'm getting a little uncomfortable with this line of questioning." " Sorry..." "I'm sorry." "You're right." "I mean, it's just that 12 inches..." "That's like a freaking beef bus." "You know what I'm saying?" "Why are you... why are you so concerned about my penis anyhow?" "I mean, are you gay or something?" "What?" "No!" "Hey, nobody loves pussy more than I do." "Alright." "I'm a flaming homosexual." "But do me a favor?" "Don't tell anybody because nobody knows." "Everybody knows." " So wait... do I tell people?" " No!" "Have you ever been fired from a job before?" "No." "Three times." "Have you ever stolen from an employer before?" "No." "Alright!" "Damn it." "How much would you say you've stolen before?" "100 dollars?" "500 dollars" "So much I've lost count." "44.793 dollars" "That's a lot of money, Dane." "Well..." "I had cancer." "I bought a boat..." "And named it Cancer." "I'll be honest, Dane." " This interview is going really well." " Really?" "No!" "This is the worst interview I've ever been a part of!" "Normally you'de be gone!" "However..." "Company policy dictates that I ask you one final question." "Okay" "Would you ever have sex with a man in order to get a job?" "No." "Welcome to the firm." "Subtitles by NomadaPT"