"* Love and marriage *" "* Go together like *" "* A horse and carriage *" "* This I tell ya, brother *" "* You can't have one *" "* Without the other *" "* Love and marriage *" "* It's an institute *" "* You can't disparage *" "* Ask the local gentry *" "* And they will say It's elementary *" "* Try, try, try To separate them *" "* It's an illusion *" "* Try, try, try And you will only come *" "* To this conclusion *" "* Love and marriage **" "Okay, everybody." "Gather round." "I want you to watch me pay these bills." "Aren't you gonna dress in rags like you did last month?" "That was to prove a point, Peg." "A point that obviously wasn't taken too seriously." "Now, the Bundy household is going to cut down on unnecessary expenditures." "What can we do to help?" "For starters, we can cut down on our electricity." "Bud, are we in the living room?" "No, Dad." "Then turn out the light." "Sure, Dad." "Dad?" "What?" "I'm in the living room now." "You're also on thin ice." "Turn out the light." "Like it or not, this family will learn to save." "Where the hell are the rest of the bills?" "On the coffee table, under your new $75 glow-in-the-dark tackle box." "Okay." "Everybody gather round." "Would somebody please turn a light on in here?" "I can't see a thing." "Sure, Dad." "Kelly, are we in the kitchen?" "No, Dad." "Then what do we do?" "We'll learn." "We'll all learn." "Look at this." "Everybody in the world gets a tax refund." "Not me." "Me, I work in hell, I earn nothing." "Bud, where else aren't we?" "In a good neighborhood?" "Go on upstairs and turn out those lights." "And, Kelly..." "Let me guess." "You want me to go outside and beg for cheese." "No, I want you to cut down on your entertainment expenditures." "You know, records, movies...bleach." "Fine, but I'm warning you." "I'll steal bleach before I give up my blondness." "Good girl." "You want to get that, Al?" "Who spent $39.95 at a place called 10 Little Toenails?" "I'll get it." "Hi." "We've been nut picking and we brought you a bag." "Got a nutcracker?" "You're looking at her." "I've got one somewhere." "Would you close the door." "You're letting out the heat." "Is that what you make?" "You're gaining a little weight there, aren't you, Marce?" "I found the nutcracker." "Do you think I'm gaining weight?" "Eh..." "Al, would you get the door for once in your life?" "Who the hell spent $60 on granular facial scrub?" "I'll get it." "Hi." "Hi, Al." "What do you want?" "I missed Marcie." "Aw, look at that, Al." "It's only been a few minutes, and he misses her." "Why don't you just kill me?" "Close the door." "The heat's getting out." "If you want to cut down on your heating bills, do what we did." "Install extra insulation." "Not only is it a monthly savings, but we got a nifty little rebate from the government for energy conservation." "Believe me, it had a lot to do with that big tax refund we just got." "The only thing is, we don't know what to do with the money." "Why don't you have a couple of kids." "They'll suck it up like a Hoover." "That's a vacuum cleaner, Peg, in case you want to do something different with your afternoons." "Did we come at a bad time?" "Don't mind Al." "It's just his time of the month." "Bill time." "So, what are you gonna spend your refund on?" "We were thinking about taking a romantic trip to Paris." "I've always wanted to go to Paris." "Oh, yeah, Paris." "Where they hate Americans." "Where they won't let our bombers fly overhead." "Oh, yeah, until they get invaded." "Then they come crawling back to us, beret in hand, for us to bail them out with my tax dollars." "That's where you want to go?" "No." "We just said that to kid you." "We hate the French." "Know what I'd do if I had a few extra bucks?" "Bomb the French?" "No, I was talking about a little extra money." "Anyhow, I'd like to add on to our house, you know, just to have a little room for me." "Somewhere I could go, relax, sit back, read the paper." "Another bathroom, huh?" "Actually, we considered adding on to our house when we bought it," "But we'd need you to sign a variance to give us permission to build that close to the property line and it seemed like an imposition." "Oh, don't be ridiculous." "We're friends." "Aren't we, Al?" "Who, you and me?" "No." "Would you really consider it?" "I mean, there would be some extra noise and dust for a while." "Ah, why not?" "It's something we can hold over your heads." "Come on, Steve." "Let's go look through our dream house file." "Hey, thanks, you guys." "That was nice of you." "Yeah, I'm a nice guy." "What is this?" "$16 for chopped sirloin?" "You never make me chopped sirloin." "Who the hell got the chopped sirloin?" "Why do you give Buck chopped sirloin, and I get tuna?" "Why doesn't he get tuna?" "Because tuna makes his breath smell." "And yours is hereditary." "Dad." "I just wanted you to know that I've listened to you." "And I haven't spent any money today." "Good boy." "Yeah." "I sure hope Kelly hasn't." "Oh, my God!" "Kel, what's in the bag?" "I bought some new jeans." "Dad, you told me to buy new jeans." "You said that you hated the way these looked." "Oh, all right." "Tough luck, maggot." "Hey, Al." "What can I do for you?" "Steve, come on in." "Sit down." "What are you doing?" "Everybody's doing this." "And yes, if everyone was jumping off of buildings, so would I." "Kel, collect call for you from Australia." "Excuse me." "There must be some sort of a misunderstanding." "I thought we had code words for things like this." "We're late on our code payments." "Well, a couple of years, they'll be gone." "So, Steve, how's the addition?" "Well, we just talked about it last night." "We haven't had much time to do anything about it." "Yeah, good, good." "I was thinking that while the girls are at the gym, this would be a good opportunity for us to just kind of sit around and shoot the bull." "Hey, great." "Well, yesterday at the bank" "Ha ha ha ha!" "Great story, Steve." "Listen, you know the kind of room" "I think you and Marcie really need?" "A poolroom for you and me." "I don't know." "I think Marcie and I should get a room we both like." "She's got one." "She's got the kitchen." "You need something to fill up your life and I think this room is the perfect thing." "See, Steve, remember how great it was when you were a kid and you had your own room, and you had the privacy to do whatever you wanted to?" "You can do those things again." "I don't need to do that anymore." "I've got a wife now." "And a terrific little wife she is too." "She would never stand in the way of you wanting your poolroom." "Listen, think of it, Steve." "A little refrigerator for your beer." "A little powder on your hands." "That feeling of the cue stick sliding through your fingers." "That squeak of the chalk." "But most of all, that feeling of adrenaline coursing through your veins as you make that two-cushion bank shot," "8-ball in the side pocket." "Gee." "That was a great workout." "You want some pie?" "Sure." "It really does give you an appetite, doesn't it?" "Ah, the boys are at your house, talking about your new room." "So, what kind of room is this going to be?" "An all-purpose room." "What a waste." "Why not build a room with a purpose?" "Like an exercise room for you and me." "Ice cream?" "Sure." "Gee, an exercise room would be great." "Then we wouldn't have to wait in line to use their equipment and be laughed at by women with good bodies." "Chocolate sauce?" "Okay." "I don't know, Peggy." "Steve and I wanted a room we could both use." "Oh, Steve has his own room." "He has the kitchen." "Besides, aren't you sick of dragging me along each week to be your free guest at the health club?" "I mean, they know I'm not gonna join." "Doesn't that embarrass you?" "Well, not as much as you stealing towels." "Hey." "That sign said:" ""Guest towels." "Take one."" "Look, Marce, if you build an exercise room, not only will you look better, but you'll live longer." "And isn't that the best possible present you could give Steve?" "Whipped cream?" "What the heck." "I'm gonna have an exercise room, right?" "Right." "Now, this exercise room should have a little refrigerator for our juice and other healthy things." "Listen, honey, I think this is a great move, adding a room." "Listen, you guys, thanks for suggesting it." "What are neighbors for?" "Our pleasure." "Steve, let's start getting bids from some contractors." "And architects." "And designers." "I want to move on this thing." "I love you, Marcie." "I love you, Steve." "I hate them, Peg." "They hate you, Al." "Yeah, but they're gonna have a nice little room where I can go and shoot pool and have fun." "I hate to break this to you, but that room is gonna be an exercise room for me." "Oh, and Marcie, I guess, if she can find the time." "I don't think she will, personally." "Forget it, Peg." "I'm getting a poolroom." "I'm getting an exercise room." "Not a chance!" "Look, Marcie is on my side." "She makes the money, she's got the power." "Yeah?" "I make the money, and I have no power." "Why is that, Peg?" "Well, we'll deal with that tomorrow." "The important thing is, I want that poolroom, and Steve's gonna get it for me." "Marcie will run right over him like a tractor over a road apple." "Not this time, Peg." "This time, he's gonna be the little road apple that could." "Ha, ha!" "Oh, yeah?" "Call him back here and we'll settle this once and for all." "All right, fine." "Steve" " Oh." "Excuse me." "Could you come back in?" "We want you to settle an argument between me and Peg." "Now, is that addition gonna be a poolroom like Steve wants or an exercise room like Peg wants?" "You want a poolroom?" "You didn't say anything about a poolroom." "Well, you didn't say anything about an exercise room." "I thought we weren't gonna make any decisions without consulting our life partner." "Well, it looks like you made one without consulting me, Ms. La Lanne." "How do you like my little road apple now?" "It ain't over until the fat lady sings." "You don't even play pool anymore." "At least I exercise." "So I can be healthy and live longer for you." "Oh, Marcie." "* La la **" "But I suppose I could exercise at the club, rather than have you risk injury or disease at the local pool hole." "No, your body is much more important than my having a good time." "We'll build your exercise room." "I don't want you to be unhappy." "Look, it's obvious that things are heating up here a little bit too much." "Why don't we take a minute, relax, sit down and cool off." "Now, Steve will cool off right here." "Come on, Marcie." "Let's make you a cup of coffee and calm down." "How you doing, Steve?" "Are you comfortable?" "Sure, Al." "How could you be without a backbone?" "!" "You know damn well you and me wanted this pool table." "How come she's the one racking the balls?" "Al, it wasn't worth fighting about." "Oh sure, our rights are not important?" "Anything a woman says is fine with us." "When did men become such losers?" "It used to be so great to be a man." "Women were there to please us." "They'd look after the kids and we'd go out and have a good time." "That's the natural order of things." "What happened, Steve?" "Well, Al" "I'll tell you what happened, Steve." "Somebody told women they should start enjoying sex too." "That was the beginning of the end." "Now they like it, but it's work for us." "Everything's work for us." "It's this equality thing." "It's killing us." "You know who I blame?" "The French?" "I think it's this Curie guy started the whole thing." "He's the guy that let his wife take the credit for discovering radium." "But she did discover radium." "Probably because he left it out one night." "That never would have happened if he had his own room." "Einstein had his own room." "You think Einstein invented the theory of relativity in his wife's exercise room?" "No." "He was in his own room with the door closed." "Now, you make a decision, Steve." "But make the right one." "Remember, a man's castle is his pants." "Why is it men always get what they want?" "Steve's not getting what he wants." "He will." "They always do." "And we let them." "You know, no matter how far we've come, we are still subservient." "It all started with Adam." "You know, when he said," ""Yo, Eve." "Get me an apple, would you, babe?"" "And she did." "And now you are gonna repeat that same mistake by giving Steve a pool table." "You can't draw parallels there." "That's like comparing apples and pool tables." "We're talking symbols here, and what they do to men." "You see, they start out normal, and then puberty happens." "And suddenly, they're acting like peacocks and thinking they're Italian." "You know, a lot of people say that puberty has to do with hormones." "I blame it on poolrooms." "You see, that's where they hang out, elbow each other, smoke cigars, and make up names for boobs." "But Steve seems to really want this room." "Yeah." "Just like Al really wanted the basement for his room." "You know, that's why we bought this dump." "Because it had a basement." "I wanted a sewing room." "You know, someplace I could go and drink wine and hide from the kids." "Al wanted to build a boat." "A boat he'll never finish." "So once again, a woman gives up her dream for a man." "Don't do it, Marcie." "Ruin Steve's dream now for the both of us." "I'm not sure that's the best solution." "Marcie, I didn't want to have to tell you this, but the women in the neighborhood really look up to you." "Really?" "Mm." "They know they can't do what you do because they're married to men like Al, men who look at their own ear wax and smile with pride." "But you give us hope." "You and your Susan B. Anthony- or should I say," "Marcie B. Rhoades Aerobics Studio?" "I had no idea." "I know you didn't." "You've got to do it, Marcie." "Let the women look to you and admire you, oh, except for those two women who live in the brown house and say they're sisters." "Don't let them admire you too much." "I don't know." "Steve's so unselfish and kind and sharing." "Is he?" "Come on, Steve." "Let's go home." "I think we have something to talk about." "Yes, we do." "I've decided I want a pool table." "Ha!" "And a bag of apples too, I suppose." "I'd like to think I can have apples if I want to." "They're coming, and they've made a decision." "Here they come." "Marcie's walking in front, and she's got the plans." "Yeah, but Steve's eating an apple." "Well, we've been talking for hours, and we've reached a decision." "Well, what's it gonna be?" "We decided to build an all-purpose room for both of us." "It's going to be a sitting room where we can escape the pressures of the living room, where we can be alone together for uninterrupted quality time." "It's going to have a bay window, a love seat, and a loom." "Yes, because we've always wanted a loom with a view." "I guess all that's left is for you guys to sign the variance." "Uh..." "I don't know." "What do you think, Peg?" "I don't know." "It's an awful lot of digging and hammering early in the morning." "And the dust." "Oh." "Yeah, I gotta be honest with you guys," "It seems like a lot of trouble to us, and for what?" "You don't need another room." "I can't believe you would entice us with a room that we might enjoy when all you wanted was for us to sign the variance." "We don't like to be manipulated." "I feel so used." "I think you two better leave." "You're the ones who said we should build a room." "Little late for an apology now." "I expected better of you." "But we ordered a loom." "That was a little presumptuous, wasn't it, Marcie?" "Now just a second, Al, because I've reached my boiling point." "Easy, honey." "Not this time." "I listened to your Einstein theory," "I listened to your "Man's castle is in his pants,"" "and I watched while your wife tried to shatter my wife's hourglass figure." "And now you are gonna hear what I have to say." "Vive la France!" "The nerve of those two, eh?" "I guess I'll have to go on being her guest at the health club." "Hey, Peg." "You think there's any room for a pool table in our basement?" "Yeah, if you wanna get rid of the boat." "Oh, honey, we can't do that." "We're gonna sail the Great Lakes on that baby someday, just you and me." "The freedom of the sea." "I'm gonna finish it too, Peg." "I know you will, Al." "And I'm gonna vacuum someday too." "I know you will, Peg." "Hey, honey..." "I thought of a great name for the boat." "You know what I'm gonna call it?" "The Al Bundy." "I'm think I'm gonna go down in the basement and look at it right now." "Bud, are we in the basement?" "No, Mom." "Then what do we do?"