"(GRUNTS)" "Oh!" "(COUGHS)" "Erm..." "Turn it off." "Turn it off!" "Paquito!" "For God's sake." "Never known a flight like it." "You slept all the way!" "What is the point of paying for extra leg-room when the fat cow next to me had half her back wedged in my seat?" "You didn't pay for extra leg-room." "No." "And thank God I never, with Barbapapa sitting next to me." "I'm sure she was the woman in that documentary." "She went to the doctor with stomach ache." "He lifted up her gut, found nine quid in loose change, two remote controls and next door's cat." "Will you please shut up?" "I just listened to two hours of you snoring on the plane." "I don't need any more headache." "And what have you got in that bag?" "Snoring?" "Who was snoring?" "Chance would be a fine thing with Elvis Presley next to me, farting, shovelling in the pasties." "You did snore, cos I videoed it on me dad's phone." "Eh?" "That's never me." "You've done something with that." "Give us it here." "Get off!" "Stop it." "Nana, get off!" "Give us me phone, Michael." "Give us me phone!" "Hey." "What's going on here?" "Nothing." "They're just a bit giddy about being on holiday." "(VIDEO:" "SNORING)" "What is this?" "What kind of thing is this?" "You are not allowed to bring video nasties into Spain." "Video nasties?" "That's me mother." "You cheeky bastard!" "You're not exactly Michael Bubbly yourself." "She didn't mean that." "She's not had her cigs for three hours." "She'll be OK once we get her outside and stick her gob over the coach's exhaust for a couple of minutes." "It's just a joke." "Oh, look, we're holding up the queue." "Wait!" "Your face, it is familiar to me." "Are you sure?" "Cos I thought we all looked the same to you." "I don't mean that in a racialist way." "Have you ever been arrested in Spain?" "Specifically Benidorm?" "Arrested?" "You're joking, aren't you?" "Me?" "I wouldn't say boo to a goose." "Yeah, you have." "When you punched Mel on the beach." "They arrested you and put you in the cells in the police station." "Oops." "Please." "Follow me." "Brilliant(!" ") Another hour without a cig." "Oh, shut up!" "Good morning." "Joyce Temple Savage, Solana manageress." "How can I be of service to you?" "Well, for a start, we booked two rooms in a four-star hotel." "But we seem to have been put into a... a 1970s Bulgarian youth hostel." "I'm sorry?" "I went backpacking through Bulgaria in the '70s." "And I can assure you they didn't even have a ping-pong table, never mind a piano bar with a choice of four continental lagers." "There's no way this place would get a four-star rating in ANY country." "Now, was it Bulgaria or was it Minsk?" "I remember it sounded like one of the Wombles." "How can you call yourselves Four Star?" "You have got to be joking." "Poor-quality bed linen." "No safe in the rooms." "Wire hangers in the wardrobe." "I'm sorry about the hangers." "We used to have solid-gold ones, but people kept stealing them(!" ")" "I am NOT staying here." "No way." "It's all right, baby." "I'm all over it." "When we booked this hotel " "There's no wi-fi." "What?" "Is this true?" "Is what true?" "You've got no wi-fi?" "I can assure you we have full Internet facilities." "In our newly refurbished business centre." "And where is that?" "It's that desk over there." "You're not Winup/238 underscore 6A, are you?" "I'm sorry, is he speaking English?" "Is your wi-fi's name Winup/238 underscore" " Extintor?" "Extintor?" "Oh, Mateo." "Would you have a minute to look after Mr and Mrs Dyer?" "Extintor!" "What?" "Extintor?" "What have I told you before, Mateo?" "You really must make an effort with the language." "Fire." "We need to stop the fire." "I must apologise on behalf of my colleague." "The Mediterranean temperament can be " "(ALARM BELL)" "What?" "What fire?" "What are you talking about?" "It's all right!" "I've found one!" "What's going on?" "Where's...?" "Where's the fire?" "Quick!" "Quick!" "Quick!" "Put it out!" "Put it out!" "What on earth's been going on?" "(SHRIEKS)" "That's one of our towels!" "(COUGHS)" "Have I missed breakfast?" "And you say you packed this bag yourself?" "Yes, sir." "I did, sir." "I'm sorry it's a bit of a mess, sir." ""Yes, sir." "No, sir." "Three bags full, sir."" "Oh." "Sorry, it was a present." "Has anyone interfered with this old, brown leather bag?" "No, she's been a widow for years." "Sorry." "Sorry, I couldn't resist that one." "Sorry." "Sorry." "Look, I'm not being funny, but is this gonna take much longer?" "If we miss our coach transfer, it'll cost a fortune in a taxi." "It will take as long as it takes." "We're a family going on holiday to Benidorm." "We're not exactly international drug-runners." "And you can't remember anything?" "Not really." "I remember waking up on the sunbed and seeing Jesus, but after that it's all a blur." "You saw Jesus?" "You had a vision of Jesus cleaning the floors?" "I wouldn't exactly call him a vision." "But I wouldn't kick him out of bed if he crawled in." "Kenneth didn't see Jesus from the Bible." "He saw THIS Jesus." "From the maintenance block." "His name is "Hersoos"." "Then why's he got "Jesus" on his name badge?" "Good question." "Thank you." "His name we spell this way, but we do not say "Jesus"." "We say "Hersoos"." "Well, doesn't look as though he's going to be much use to us at the moment." "Tell him to get to hospital, get the all-clear and get back to work." "I'll take him." "No." "You've got work to do." "I've got any appointments till 11." "What if you get a walk-in?" "I thought maybe you could do some work this month." "I beg your pardon!" "Who d'you think you're talking to?" "Just saying." "Ladies, please!" "He says he's OK to go to the hospital himself." "His sister, she's a nurse there." "Fine." "Mateo, tell Jesus to go and get his head examined." "And get that floor-cleaner fished out of the pool ASAP." "Kenneth, would you be so kind as to open your maison de sante?" "You what?" "Go and open your shop!" "Oh, right." "You said wait at Reception." "That was half an hour ago." "Come on, you!" "If you'd like to take a seat, Mr and Mrs Dyke, Master Dyke," "I'll get complimentary cocktails sent over." "And I'll be back to offer you an extremely attractive compensation package for your burnt towel." "Good morning." "Hello." "Donald and Jacqueline Stewart." "From last year." "Oh." "Yes." "How could I forget?" "Nice to see you back." "We tried to check in, but they didn't know anything about our booking." "This place is a joke." "We're on the free holiday that you gave us last year." "For spying on your staff." "Would you like to take a seat?" "We're having complimentary cocktails." "I thought it was all-inclusive anyway." "And I'll be back with you all in two shakes of a duck's tail." "Donald Stewart." "This is the wife Jacqueline." "Hola." "I'm Clive." "My wife Tonya." "And our son Tiger." "Good to know you." "Would that be a Cockney accent I detect?" "Donald's very good at accents." "He once played Hitler in Goebbels, The Musical." "People in the bar after couldn't believe you weren't German, could they?" "I do have an ear." "We're North London, originally." "Now in Watford." "Well, practically St Albans." "Ah." "Watford." "We know it well, don't we, Jacqueline?" "Oh, yes!" "A retired male-stripper friend of ours, Maurice "The Meat" Henderson, is chairman of the WSA." "Watford Swingers' Association." "Now, a little dickybird tells me it's cocktail hour." "What can I get yous?" "Sex On The Beach, anyone?" "(CHUCKLES)" "How many times d'you have to be told?" "She told you what they were!" "They're tanning pills!" "We will, of course, be making tests on the drugs you brought into Spain." "They're not drugs!" "Stop calling them drugs!" "Course they're drugs." "Brilliant(!" ")" "Why not make me a noose, put it round me neck and your mother can kick away the chair?" "Don't be so dramatic." "Dramatic?" "Your mother's put a sack of unidentified white pills in a bag to bring to Spain." "How dramatic d'you want it to get?" "It wasn't a sack." "It was a bag." "Perhaps we are to believe there is such a thing as tablets to make your skin brown." "Why are you bringing them to Spain?" "Sitting in our sun is not good enough for you?" "She's mentally deranged." "There's no need for that." "Look at the colour of her!" "You could sit in the sun all year and never end up like that!" "Is there any chance we could go now and promise to come back tomorrow, when you've had a chance to look at the tablets?" "Of course." "Passport Control procedure means we usually let all people carrying unidentified drugs carry on with their journey and pop back at a time more convenient to them(!" ")" "Oh, brilliant." "Thank you, love." "Sit down!" "There is no reason to hold all of you." "Just the person who was carrying the drugs." "Right." "Now, Madge, I don't want you to worry." "I'll get Janice and Michael settled in, then I'll come back and see how you're getting on." "We're not leaving me mother here." "You." "The drugs were found in YOUR bag." "Piss off!" "That was HER bag!" "How come you were carrying it, then?" "I'm being framed by me own mother-in-law." "I can't stay here on me own!" "I'm nearly 70 years old." "Well, if you're nearly 70, that makes me about 28." "It seems pointless us all sitting here." "This could take all day." "Are you seriously telling me you're all just gonna piss off and leave me here?" "I hope you're not leaving those towels there." "I'm sorry?" "I'm just saying, we left our towels out here this morning and they set fire to them." "Well, they do warn you not to put them out before nine o'clock." "Right." "And have you seen the state of those rooms?" "Yeah." "We come every year." "You come every year?" "(LAUGHS)" "Oh!" "What was that for?" "Don't be so rude." "You started it." "This place is a shit-tip." "Will you stop doing that?" "Just show some consideration." "Some people can't afford a proper holiday." "I didn't think that included us." "I'm Tonya." "My son..." "Tiger." "Oh, hiya." "I'm Janice." "You're not stopping, then?" "No." "We booked this hotel thinking it was a four-star." "I suppose it's a godsend if you're on a budget, but it's not really for us." "We've been coming for years." "So...is your husband unpacking?" "No." "No." "Er..." "We had a few problems with the luggage." "I best ring him, find out how he's getting on." "First your husband gets arrested on drugs charges." "Then, just when you think things can't get any worse, they put the price of mobility scooters up by ten euros." "That's 50 euros a week they're wanting." "Thieving, twisting Spanish bastards." "The bloke was English." "Mother, for God's sake, just sit down." "How can I sit down?" "I'm not settled without a scooter." "50 euros a week." "My Mel will be spinning in his grave." "He'd have been raking it in." "Your old man on a drugs charge?" "Respec'." "Don't be so bleeding rude!" "He's not been charged with anything." "It's just been a bit of a mix-up." "Got caught bringing tanning pills through Customs." "Fuss about nothing." "It'll all blow over." "What kind are they?" "I'm a beauty therapist." "Oh." "Frigged if I know." "Got them at a car-boot sale in Eccles." "Oh." "Right." "We ready for the off?" "No." "Erm..." "We're staying." "What?" "No way!" "Absolutely no way!" "Don't make a scene, Tonya." ""Don't make a scene"?" "I wouldn't kennel my dog in this place." "You haven't got a dog." "You know what I mean." "If you think for one minute I am unpacking our cases in that glorified toilet of a hotel room " "Tonya!" "(ECHOES)" "Be a sweetheart, Tonya." "Go upstairs, unpack the bags and come down in a slightly more positive frame of mind." "Don't try to embarrass me, Clive." "At the end of the day, you are just an extremely short man with a very small penis." "Right." "Time to cool off, I think." "Tiger..." "go and get your father a paper." "I don't know where the shops are." "I'll show you, if you want." "Sweet." "I'm Tiger." "Michael." "Oi!" "Come here!" "Get your nana a scooter and come straight back." "All right." "I think you're mad, paying them prices." "You're welcome(!" ")" "There's no answer from Mick." "We need to get back on that bus to Alicante." "Frig that." "You go." "I'm staying here to watch round two with Charles and Diana." "I'm sorry, there's absolutely no record of this booking whatsoever." "But you must remember." "Last year, you had us running about like Batman and Robin." "More like Laurel and Hardy." "You booked us in on our free holiday on our last day." "We stood here while you did it." "I do remember you helping out, but I have absolutely no recollection of offering you a free holiday." "Do you have any paperwork?" "No!" "You didn't give us any." "I'm awfully sorry, but with no booking confirmation there's not much we can do to help." "If you'd like to make a booking, I'm sure Mateo here could squeeze you and your wife in somewhere." "Any problems, just throw them out." "We have to eradicate this riff-raff element we've been attracting." "I think I do remember you saying you were going to give them a free holiday." "I know, but I've just had to give 80% discount to the Dykes." "We have dykes coming here?" "Mr and Mrs Dyke." "The husband's threatening to sue us for setting fire to his property." "So, what should I do when Laurel and Hardy refuse to pay?" "Ooh..." "Just send them on..." "♪ The trail of the lonesome pine ♪" "Just get rid of them." "Open up!" "I know you're in there!" "It's already lunch time." "When are you planning to open?" "Thank you for visiting Blow  Go, hair and beauty emporium." "Do you have an appointment?" "Where is he?" "If you are referring to Kenneth, Benidorm Entrepreneur of the Year 2009, I'm afraid he's indisposed." "Kindly inform Mr Du Beke that I am getting in touch with Head Office and starting the process of having Blow  Go removed from the Solana!" "You can't!" "He's paid his rent!" "The place is never open!" "We have a very discreet clientele." "They prefer the closed-door policy." "You haven't got ANY clientele because Benidorm's Entrepreneur of the Year spends his time pissed in Jumping Jack's next door, singing Lady Gaga!" "I'm sorry, I have to go now." "I have a nasal-hair-wax heater threatening to overboil!" "And don't come sniffing around me for a job when I close him down!" "Oh, thanks, love." "We can't keep going on like this, you know." "She's right - we're never open." "Well, I've just had a lot on me mind recently." "It's more than that." "I can tell." ""Contact me ASAP."" ""We need to speak."" ""There's no use ignoring me."" ""You can't run forever, Kenneth."" "All signed "H"." "What's going on?" "Well, he's right." "I can't avoid him forever." "You can run in this town, but you can't hide." "Who's H?" "An enemy?" "A relative?" "An ex-lover?" "No, he's none of those things." "H stands for Herbert." "Oh..." "I suppose I should be happy I got this far." "Kenneth... ..who is Herbert?" "He's the head of the Hafia." "What's the Hafia?" "Is it some kind of Spanish income tax?" "No." "It's worse than that." "It's the hairdressing mafia." "It's dead lucky you've got a car." "Thanks for this." "It's not a problem." "Us Brits have to stick together." "Your wife Tanya said you weren't stopping at the Solana." "Did you have a change of plan?" "Tonya." "Sorry?" "It's Tonya." "Don't call her Tanya." "She'll hit the roof." "Oh." "Right." "Look, I'm not gonna lie to you, Janice." "My wife is a very unstable woman." "Last year she found out that one of the people on my golfing holiday was a woman." "You know what she did?" "No." "She urinated in my coffee every day for a week." "Bloody 'ell." "Oh, yeah." "Mentally unstable." "Couldn't you tell she'd weed in your coffee?" "I couldn't, as it goes." "I take my coffee very strong." "As opposed to piss-weak." "You'll let me give you some petrol money, won't you?" "I wouldn't dream of it." "So, these drugs - are you positive that they're just tanning pills?" "They must be." "They only cost 20 quid at a car-boot sale." "Oh, he'll be fine." "The only thing you've got to worry about is if he's got previous." "Previous what?" "Previous record." "Criminal record." "They don't take any crap here." "If he's been in trouble with the police before, he'll be back on a plane to the UK quicker than you can say "Je ne regrette rien."" "♪ EDITH PIAF:" "No, rien de rien" "♪ Non, je ne regrette rien" "♪ Ni le bien" "♪ Qu'on m'a fait... ♪" "I tell him to stop but he will not listen." "Look." "You can't do this here!" "Look, whatever you do in the privacy of your own room is nobody's business but your own, but you can't do this here." "But that's just it." "We don't HAVE a room, thanks to you reneging on your word." "If this is a protest, then why are you both not chained to the sunbeds?" "We didn't have enough chain." "Anyway, somebody has to be able to nip to the shops for water and suchlike." "I'm afraid personal food and drink cannot be consumed on the premises." "Fine." "Then you've just turned a peaceful demonstration into a hunger strike." "For God's sake!" "Jacqueline, I'm just going to pop up to the Mad Monk for a spot of brunch." "Will you be OK?" "Oh, yeah." "All right!" "Stop it." "Mateo, give Mr and Mrs Stewart room 212." "Come on." "What's wrong with you?" "I've just said you could have a room." "Mr Stewart, kindly unchain your wife from my sunbeds." "I can't." "What d'you mean, you can't?" "I'm afraid I didn't expect you to cave in so easily and I..." "I swallowed the key." "You did what?" "Mm." "Why did you do this, you crazy man?" "What is wrong with you people?" "I'll be back in about an hour." "I do believe the Mad Monk do a very acceptable veg curry." "Fingers crossed." "Are you OK?" "Ohh...yes!" "That man over there's got his wife chained to a pile of sunbeds." "Doesn't surprise me." "They're well known for it." "What d'you mean?" "Perverts." "She'll be naked, hanging upside-down from the pool bar come five o'clock." "Dear God." "We met them upstairs." "They certainly seem the type." "Apparently, last year one of them was found roaming the streets at midday dressed as a naughty nurse in stockings and suspenders." "That's not appropriate." "Not during the day." "No." "And it wasn't the one chained to the sunbeds, either." "Oh...!" "You haven't seen my husband or my son at all, have you?" "Uh?" "♪ MOTORHEAD:" "Ace Of Spades" "Hoo-hoo!" "Whoo-hoo-hoo hoo!" "♪ If you like to gamble I tell you I'm your man" "♪ You win some, lose some It's all the same to me ♪" "(LAUGH) Knobheads!" "Time for another drink, I think." "No." "I better get the scooter back to me nana." "She'll go mental." "Wait a minute." "Didn't I just batter the price down to 45 euros for the week for this thing?" "You nearly battered the BLOKE." "A bit of gentle persuasion never hurts." "And the false ID that I gave him means you could sell it at the end of the week." "Win-win!" "Come on, bruv." "Your round." "♪ It's all a game to me ♪" "♪ I hear babies cry" "♪ I watch them grow" "♪ They'll learn much more" "♪ Than I'll ever know" "♪ And I think to myself" "♪ What a wonderful world" "♪ Yeah, yeah, I think to myself" "♪ What a wonderful" "♪ World" "♪ Oh, yeah ♪" "Thank you very much." "Now, if you don't mind, Lorraine, a bit of Tommy Steele, love." "I need a word!" "Bugger off." "I'm singing." "♪ Once upon a... ♪ Me dad's set up a meeting with Herbert for you!" "What?" "What you doing to me?" "Listen." "Listen." "I mentioned Herbert to me dad and, well... well, he knows him." "Don't you?" "Well, I...don't exactly know HIM, but I know a fella who knows a fella who...knows a fella." "If you see what I mean." "No!" "I know a fella who knows a fella who knows Shirley Bassey but I'm not meeting up with her." "Oh, I'd love to meet Shirley Bassey." "Look, man, this is the head of the hairdressing mafia." "You're messing with the big boys now." "What's it got to do with you?" "I'm just trying to help." "If Herbert wants to see you, there's no point avoiding him." "I knew a stylist in Finistrad who started undercutting Herbert's prices." "He was found floating face-down in his swimming pool with a stomachful of shampoo." "Oh, my God." "Well, they THOUGHT it was shampoo." "The meeting's tonight." "We're going with you." "Everything's gonna be OK." "(MAN CATERWAULING)" "(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)" "Thank you." "Can I just see him for two minutes?" "You cannot go to the other side of the airport without a ticket and we cannot release your husband until a test has been done on the pills." "Well, when can you do the test?" "I understand your concern and you have my personal guarantee it will be done by Tuesday at the latest." "Tuesday?" "!" "It's Thursday now!" "I can't even ring him cos his battery's flat." "Jan?" "You can call the leaflet on this number at any time for an update." "Janice!" "Janice, I'm here!" "Don't cry." "We'll come back tomorrow." "Jan!" "All right, pal." "Just one second." "Jan!" "Jani..." "♪ Hey ho, skip to the loo" "♪ Hey ho, skip to the loo" "♪ Hey ho, skip to the loo" "♪ Skip to the loo, my darl- ♪ (PHONE RINGS) Ooh." "Hello, love." "Ah, I'm fine." "How's it going?" "Oh." "No worries." "Just keep eating." "All right." "See you later." "Bye." "♪ Swallowed the key Now what can he do?" "♪ Swallowed the key Now what can he do?" "♪ Swallowed the key Now what can he do?" "♪ Skip to the loo, my darling ♪" "How many times, Clive?" "I do not know where Tiger is." "What did his text say?" "The same one-word reply he always says - "Chill."" "I'll chill HIM when I get hold of him." "Have you tried calling him?" "Of course I did!" "What kind of idiot d'you think I am?" "The ear-shattering, screaming-moron kind." "What?" "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" "Hiya." "I just wondered if you'd heard anything from me son." "Er, yeah, we just had a text from Tiger." "He said they're fine." "He said that Mitchell was showing him round Benidorm." "Michael." "Er, Michael." "Yeah, he said that he'd meet us down in the hotel bar later." "Which one?" "Neptune's?" "Neptune's." "That was it." "OK." "Me and me mother will go down there, then." "Great." "See you there, then." "Oh, and Clive, thanks for today." "You were amazing." "Yeah." "See you later." "What did you say that for?" "Eh?" "We don't know where they are." "I didn't want her to worry." "You didn't want HER to worry?" "What about me?" "She's got a lot on her plate, with her husband locked up." "What was that she said?" "What?" "What did she say before you pushed her out the door?" "I didn't push her." "I never touched her." ""Thanks for today." "You were amazing." What does that mean?" "It means "Thanks for the lift." It doesn't. "Thanks for the LIFT" means "Thanks for the lift."" "Oh, will you shut up and get dressed?" "What d'you mean, "Get dressed"?" "I AM dressed!" "What is wrong with this dress?" "Nothing." "As long as it's a Vicar and Tarts evening." "It's not a clown convention, either, so you can take that shirt off, for a start." "I'll see you downstairs." "(SIGHS)" "Although ten out of ten for effort on the red nose!" "Oh...!" "♪ HOT CHOCOLATE:" "Where you from, you sexy thing?" "♪" "So...where we going now, then?" "I thought you said you wanted to ring your mum." "I'm not that bothered now." "Right." "Come on." "I think it's time to get some souvenirs." "We usually get all that crap on the last day, though." "Me nana..." "She likes the fridge magnets in the shape of a flip-flop and me dad likes them glasses that, when you put 'em on, instead of a nose you've got a massive big plastic " "Come on!" "We're gonna get a PROPER souvenir." "Wey!" "Benido-o-o-orm!" "Ha!" "Wey!" "Benido-o-o-orm!" "Get out the way!" "Hey, you!" "You do know there's a fair-use policy?" "When we say "all-inclusive", we mean as much food and drink in a day as ONE person would normally eat, not half a dozen." "Another black coffee, if you please." "Why do you keep eating?" "You could just put your fingers down your throat." "It would never work." "Both Jacqueline and I have extraordinarily high gag-reflexes." "What does this mean?" "Believe me, you don't want to know." "I'll order the coffee." "I tell you, for 15 euros we can hire the machine that can cut through chains." "15 euros to hire a bolt-cutter?" "You must be joking." "No wonder your economy's in a state if you fritter away money like that." "Oh, dear." "What is wrong?" "I think it's time to release the beast." "Wait." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "The nearest toilet is this way." "It's not a toilet that I need." "This is a highly delicate operation." "I just hope that bath-tub's got a plug in it." "Not long now, Jacqueline!" "Geronimo!" "Ooh!" "Yahoo!" "We've struck oil!" "♪ Panic on the streets of London" "I don't believe it." "I've lost me husband and me son all in the space of one night." "Don't be ridiculous." "Your son's out with a mate and your husband's in for a better night's sleep than any of us will get tonight." "Sing one we've heard of!" "There you go." "Thanks, love." "No worries." "Wait for the staff round here and you'll be spitting feathers." "Ooh, The Smiths!" "I love this song." "♪ So you run down To the safety of the town" "♪ But there's panic on the..." "Your wife not coming down?" "She's on her way." "I said I'd come down and get her a drink." "Ooh, you've had time to get her half a dozen." "You had another argument?" "No." "Not at all." "She'll be doing her make-up." "She likes to be well turned out." "She's a beauty therapist." "Ooh." "Never know it to look at her." "Mother!" "♪ Burn down the disco" "♪ Hang the blessed DJ" "♪ Because the music That they constantly play" "♪ Says nothing to me about my life" "♪ Hang the blessed DJ ♪ Right." "Here we are." "Oh, haway, man, what you doing?" "Knocking on the door." "How else will they know we're here?" "Just leave this to me." "Oh, man!" "You're gonna balls this up!" "Just leave your dad to do what he needs to do or I'm gonna wake up tomorrow with a horse's head in me bed, with a permed mane." "(ANSWERING KNOCK)" "What you looking for?" "We're standing right in front of you!" "I know you're standing in front of me." "Dickhead." "I can hardly miss ya." "We're here to see Herbert." "Sorry, pal." "Nobody called Herbert here." "We got the wrong bloody door." "Shut up, young 'un." "We have a delivery for Herbert." "A delivery of an outstanding order of damage-repair solution." "Herbert takes all deliveries at the rear." "Yeah, well, I had me suspicions." "Take your first left down the bottom of the street, then left again." "Look for a door marked..." "Shit!" "A door marked "Shit"?" "Marked in actual shit or does it say "Shit" in letters?" "(POLICE RADIO)" "In!" "Get in!" "Get in!" "♪ This tainted love you've given I give you all a boy could give you" "♪ Take my tears And that's not nearly all" "♪ Tainted love ♪ Oh oh-oh-oh oh" "♪ Tainted love" "♪ Now I know" "♪ I've got to run away" "You." "Come with me." "Yous two, stay here." "Hang on, pal." "We come here together." "We'll go in together." "♪ To make things right You need someone to hold you tight" "I don't remember telling you you could speak." "♪ But I'm sorry I'll be all right." "♪ I don't pray that way" "♪ Once I ran to you ♪ I ran" "♪ Now I... ♪" "Kenneth Du Beke." "Go ahead." "You're on your own now, pal." "Welcome back." "Oh, yeah, sorry about all this." "Everything OK now?" "Oh, yes." "It was a bit like a round of It's A Knockout in the end, but all good life experience." "I suppose so." "It's not every day you can say you spent several hours being chained up in the dark." "Well...you say that..." "You left very quickly." "Did you suddenly remember where you'd put your spare key?" "Not exactly." "Suffice to say, my knight in shining armour turned up trumps." "I suppose we should be thankful for small mercies." "Mm." "And the brown trousers." "Yes." "I'm..." "I'm sorry I took me time to come and see you." "I've not been avoiding you." "I've just been busy." "Not busy in me salon." "I mean er...business has been fairly quiet, to be honest with you." "I just..." "(CREEPY VOICE) Queenie-eye, queenie-eye, who's got the ball?" "I haven't got it." "It isn't in me pocket." "Did you ever used to say that rhyme?" "Yeah." "Me mam used to say it to me when I was a kid." "Why has it taken you so long to come and see me?" "I said I'm sorry." "I just haven't had the time." "Mm." "Look, if it's protection money you're after, I haven't got a penny." "I can barely afford to pay me staff." "Protection money?" "Have I asked you for any money?" "No." "Have I made any threats towards you?" "No." "I just asked you to come and see me, Kenneth, but you ignored me." "That hurt my feelings." "Just tell me what you want!" "You're scaring me." "I don't know what there is about me to be scared of." "Well, there's them gnashers, for a start." "I used to say that rhyme in the playground" " Who's Got The Ball?" "That's where your mother learned it." "Probably." "No "probably" about it." "I taught her the rhyme." "What?" "You knew my mother?" "Brenda." "Only about 50 years." "We went to school together." "I came to Spain in the early '70s, but we never lost touch." "When you started your salon I made a few enquiries about you." "Because, as you know, I like to know what's going on on my patch." "Why didn't you just come into me salon instead of sending Jack-the-Ripper notelets?" "(ITALIAN-AMERICAN ACCENT) I'm not exactly Don Corleone." "More like Donny Osmond with them teeth." "Will you shut up about me teeth?" "So you remember who taught you Queenie-Eye, Who's Got The Ball?" "Yeah." "I told you." "It was me mam." "Nobody else?" "No." "Oh, 'ang on." "I had an uncle." "Well, not an uncle - he was a mate of me mam's." "Camp as tits, he was." "He was hilarious." "But I haven't seen him since I was about 11." "Oh, God, what was his name?" "Erm..." "Uncle..." "Bertie?" "Bertie." "That's right." "Uncle Bert..." "Oh, my God." "Herbert." "Mm." "You're Uncle Bertie." "It's been a long time, kid." "Come here." "Oh..." "Eh?" "Uncle Bertie!" "(LAUGHS)" "'Ey, look at you." "Little Kenny." "Not so little now." "No." "I'm not surprised." "Your mother always did keep a very good table." "Is it true that you own every hairdressing salon between here and Valencia?" "(CHUCKLES) We'll talk about that another time." "I've got a bit of business to do now." "Right, can I give you a lift somewhere?" "Yeah, you can take me to the Solana, if that's OK." "Oh." "Mm?" "But I have got a couple of mates with me." "That's no problem." "Oh, you will stay in touch, won't you?" "I promised your mam I'd keep an eye on you." "You may not see me, but I'll be looking out for you, kid." "A promise is a promise." "Mm?" "And you never know" " I might be able to help you, as well." "Oh, yeah?" "Tell me who did them teeth and I'll get them for you." "You cheeky bugger." "Right, shift yourself, Queenie-Eye." "Come on, let's be having you." "Mind me 'ead." "(OFF-KEY) ♪ Ah ah-ah ah" "♪ I guess I'll never know" "It's no good, I'm ringing the police." "He's not THAT bad." "I've heard your Mick do worse." "Not about his singing, you daft sod." "About our Michael." "Oh, stop your mithering." "They only texted about 20 minutes ago." "I know." "They keep texting, but where are they?" "♪ Oh-h-h-h-h ♪" "That's Clive there, with The Wonder Of You, and it's a wonder our speakers are still working!" "It was i-in the wrong key." "You haven't got the version I usually do." "Well, I wouldn't worry about it." "I'm sure Elvis made a pig's ear of it now and again." "Right, more karaoke later." "But first, the Solana's very own..." "Asa Elliott!" "(CHEERING)" "It's a terrible microphone." "You reminded me of Elvis." "Well, that was the idea." "About two minutes before he slid off the bog." "Tiger won't answer his mobile." "Call him from your phone." "They've texted and said they're on their way." "Seven hours." "Seven hours they've been gone." "Oi!" "What you doing?" "That's our dinner!" "♪ A few kisses ago" "Get here, you!" "He's absolutely pie-eyed." "I told you - like father, like son." "Oh, shut up!" "Where've you been?" "Michael was showing me around Benidorm." "This place is nuts." "We got your scooter, Nana, but..." "we crashed it." "It's not far away, though." "It's just... a couple of streets." "None of this would have happened if you hadn't bought those stupid bloody pills with you!" "Me?" "You're blaming ME?" "What about Clyde and Tanya?" "If they'd brought their child up in a decent manner, it wouldn't have happened." "Tonya!" "My name...is Tonya!" "His name is Clive." "My name is Tonya." "What's this shit?" "Why can't they put some proper music on?" "Right, come here, you." "I'm...very sorry." "I'm so sorry." "We will replace your sausage." "Get out!" "Can you hear me or is there something wrong with your ears, as well?" "Shaming all the family!" "Get out!" "Another quiet night at Neptune's(!" ") What can I get you to drink?" "I'm fine, thanks, kiddo." "I can't stop long." "I'll get word to you." "It's not always this rough in 'ere." "Oh, you've no need to worry." "You've got your Uncle Bertie keeping an eye on you now." "Oh, Mateo." "Mateo, have you got a minute?" "Sure." "Is everything OK?" "Yeah, yeah." "I just want to introduce you to somebody." "Mateo, this is my Uncle Bert..." "Oh, he's...gone." "Maybe they went to the bar." "No." "No, no, no." "He's gone." "He just likes to keep a low profile." "Where've you been all this time?" "Just in Benidorm." "He'll have alcoholic poisoning." "Be lucky if he makes it through to the morning." "I want another drink." "Wait until your father hears about this." "Me dad's in jail." "Come on." "I want to stay here." "Mother, get his other arm." "I'm not going anywhere." "Why should he spoil MY evening?" "I love Frank Ifield." "Get up." "Come on." "What have you done here?" "Oh..." "Oh, my God, you've burnt yourself!" "How've you done this?" "♪ Tell them I remember" "♪ Tell them I remember" "Oh, my God!" "I love Benidorm, me."