"(Archer moaning deliriously)" "LANA:" "Archer." "ARCHER:" "Lana?" "(Lana yelps)" "Lana!" "LANA:" "Whoa,JesusChrist!" "Chill out, Miggs!" "ARCHER:" "I 'msorry,it 'sjust been so long." "LANA:" "Okay,it 'sbeen..." "ARCHER:" "Oh,my God." "You're pregnant again?" "!" "LANA:" "What?" "ARCHER:" "HowlonghaveIbeen down here, left to rot in this godforsaken hole?" "!" "LANA:" "Like...threeweeks." "ARCHER:" "Hmm,seemssomuch  longer than that." "LANA:" "It..." "ARCHER:" "So,pleasetellme that's an entire canard à la presse with a file in it." "LANA:" "Halfachicken,no file, just that weird quasi-cornbread they have here." "ARCHER:" "Ugh,whydoyoueven bother?" "LANA:" "That'sweird,Iwas asking myself the same thing on the way down here." "ARCHER:" "Andthenbrought crappy food anyway?" "LANA:" "Andthenleft?" "ARCHER:" "No,no ,no ,wait, come on, Lana, I-I'm sorry, but" "I-I'm starting to lose it down here." "You-you got to make him let me go!" "LANA:" "Makehimhow ?" "ARCHER:" "Well,Ihateto even ask, but..." "LANA:" "Blowhim?" "ARCHER:" "Yourwords." "LANA:" "Andthenwhat,Archer, you want me to blow the whole army?" "ARCHER:" "Howis therestill an army?" "How have the rebels not wiped them out already?" "LANA:" "Becauseturnsout , he's actually very good at commanding an army." "CYRIL:" "Andas Thirdand" "Fourth Battalion withdraw, here comes First Armored, and now the rebels are outflanked." "COMANDANTE( laughs):" "Sir, it's brilliant!" "CYRIL:" "A classicpincher movement." "Just like Hannibal at the battle of Cannae." "And also Keith, in my" "Warhammer guild." "LANA:" "So,getusedtothat weird cornbread, 'cause you might be down here a..." "ARCHER:" "Lana,Ineeda woman's touch!" "(Lana grunts)" "Oh!" "Ow!" "I'm sorry, Lana." "I said a woman, not a stevedore who lost his hand in a stevedoring accident and then got a hand transplant from an actual bear." "LANA:" "So,didyou wantto just do it right through the bars or...?" "ARCHER:" "I mean,we do ." "And sometimes they do." "CALDÉRON:" "Hello." "LANA:" "I ...wait." "So, in three weeks, you go from you're gonna execute Archer to now you guys are, like, swinger pals?" "CALDÉRON:" "Well,Iwouldn't say "pals."" "ARCHER:" "Wow,notwhatyou said yesterday." "CALDÉRON:" "Oh,comeon, that was the pruno talking." "LANA:" "Well,Ihatetobreak  up this delightful ménage, but" "Presidente Cyril wants her back upstairs." "ARCHER:" "Wait,what?" "CALDÉRON:" "What?" "JULIANA:" "Why." "LANA:" "Guess." "JULIANA:" "Ah." "LANA:" "Mm." "CALDÉRON:" "Ow!" "Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!" "BOTH:" "What?" "CALDÉRON:" "Archer,do youwant me to move over one?" "ARCHER:" "Eh." "CYRIL:" "Ah,MadameFirstLady ." "So good of you to join me." "JULIANA:" "It'snotasifI had a choice." "CYRIL:" "Well..." "JULIANA:" "Noram Istillthe the first lady." "CYRIL:" "Well,maybenot  technically, since your husband divorced you and then was immediately deposed by me, but the situation is, as they say, fluid." "LANA:" "Ugh." "I brought her, can I go now?" "CYRIL:" "Yes,forthe loveof" "God, get out." "LANA:" "I meanthome." "PAM( laughing):" "Whatareyou , nuts?" "Cap'n Crunch here just took all the coca fields back from the rebels." "We're sitting on an endless supply." "LANA:" "Ofwhat,cocaleaf  smoothies?" "(rhythmic gulping)" "Oh, my God." "That's a coca leaf smoothie." "CHERLENE:" "Andthey'regross." "It basically tastes like a fart of itself, but it's better than the cocaine donuts and whipped cocaine she was eating." "(Pam burps)" "PAM:' Causethat'sjustempty calories." "LANA:" "Well,andcocaine." "PAM:" "Which,if I'mbeing totally honest, I maybe might have a problem with." "LANA:" "No." "CYRIL:" "And,Lana,the rebels still control the airport." "It's their HQ." "So, unless you want to walk, you can't go home." "MALORY:" "AndwhyonEarth would you want to?" "(Lana sighs)" "CYRIL:" "Uh..." "MALORY:" "Whybothergoing back?" "The U.S. government stole your livelihood, forced you to become a criminal." "And I hate to say it, but it's not like you have a man waiting for you." "LANA:" "I ..." "Youknow..." "MALORY:" "Whereasherewehave  everything we need." "It's like San Marcos has been waiting thousands of years for us to arrive." "Lana, this could be our..." "LANA:" "Don't." "MALORY:" "Zion,yes,there,I said it." "(Pam burps)" "PAM:" "Wait,theygot weed here, too?" "LANA:" "That'snotwhatthe song's about!" "CHERLENE:" "Toldyou." "LANA:" "ButIjustthis second realized why you want to stay down here." "Cyril's just the Vader to your" "Palpatine." "MALORY:" "Isthatareference" "I should get, or...?" "LANA:" "Seriously?" "MALORY:" "Well,I'msorry," "Lana, I didn't go to rabbinical school." "LANA:" "It'sfrom..." "No, you  know what?" "Never mind." "But, spoiler alert, Vader ends up killing Palpatine." "CYRIL:" "Hey." "CHERLENE:" "Butonlyfor three days, right?" "And then he moves the rock and comes out of his cave stronger than ever." "PAM:" "Thenhe shutsoff the  tractor beam, releasing the Jews from captivity." "LANA:" "What?" "CYRIL:" "Hey." "MALORY:" "Wait,yes,now that sounds familiar." "LANA:" "Itcannotpossibly." "MALORY:" "Gospelof Luke?" "CYRIL:" "Hey." "LANA:" "Ohfor..." "Ray ,you used to be a preacher, you want to back me up here?" "RAY:" "I actuallydon'tknow." "My church didn't really do the" "New Testament." "LANA:" "TheonewithJesus" "Christ in it." "RAY:" "I mean,Itakeyour  word for it, but..." "CYRIL:" "Hey!" "Will you idiots get out?" "!" "I'm trying to talk to the first lady!" "CHERLENE:" "Ofwhat,this country or country music?" "'Cause I'm first lady of both!" "CYRIL No, you're not..." "CHERLENE:" "Outlawcountry!" "(jail door bangs shut)" "(Cherlene sighs)" "CALDÉRON:" "Oh,my God,my beautiful and also multi-talented wife!" "You are here!" "CHERLENE:" "I know,right?" "It's like, finally." "ARCHER:" "Asin ... this is a good thing?" "(plays random notes)" "CHERLENE:" "Duh!" "I'm finally gonna get the outlaw country cred I deserve." "CALDÉRON:" "Oh,my God,you 've always deserved it." "ARCHER:" "Wait,howdoesbeing in jail...?" "CHERLENE:" "PagingDr.Black," "Dr. Man In Black!" "Johnny Cash was in Folsom Prison and San Quentin, so..." "ARCHER:" "Yeah,to visit." "CHERLENE:" "Hmm?" "ARCHER:" "Hejustplayedfor the prisoners, dummy." "He wasn't actually in prison." "(plays "womp womp")" "But don't worry." "We're gonna get out of here and go join the rebels." "CALDÉRON:" "Yes,thenyou and" "I, my beautiful wife, will live a simple life in the hills, scratching shit food, like yams, out of the ground with a, uh, yam-scratcher." "CHERLENE:" "Okay,A- -start counting backwards from a million years, and when you get to zero that still won't happen." "CALDÉRON:" "Aw." "CHERLENE:" "AndB- -how... how do we get out of here?" "ARCHER:" "Well,we 're,uh , still fine-tuning it, but..." "CALDÉRON:" "Wehavenoplan , whatsoever." "CHERLENE:" "Okay,good,because" "I didn't want to step on anybody's toes, but byoink." "CALDÉRON:" "Whaaaaat?" "ARCHER:" "Wheredidyou get  that?" "CHERLENE:" "Let'sjustsay ," ""I honestly don't know."" "ARCHER:" "Fairenough." "CHERLENE:" "Cyrilsaysthe  rebel headquarters are..." "Wait, is it "are" or is it "is"?" "ARCHER:" "It's"where,"idiot!" "CHERLENE:" "Theairport!" "Jesus!" "CALDÉRON:" "Andyou,sir ,will keep a civil tongue in your head when you are addressing the First Lady of the government-in-exile of La" "República de San Marcos!" "CHERLENE:" "Andalsocountry music." "ARCHER:" "I facetiouslybeg milady's pardon." "CHERLENE:" "Oh,milady facetiously grants it." "ARCHER:" "Oh,goody." "Now let's steal a car, go join the rebels, then come back here and crush Cyril's stupid army." "CALDÉRON:" "Youmakeitsound so easy." "ARCHER( chuckling):" "Well, it's Cyril." "I mean, unless he's got a nuclear warhead in his pants..." "CHERLENE:" "Whichhe totally does." "KRIEGER:" "Which,guys,can we talk about this?" "KRIEGERCLONE1:" "Thetimefor talk is kaput, Klon-Bruder." "Now is the time for action!" "KRIEGERCLONE2:" "Clonebone!" "CHERLENE:" "Andby thatImean  his... you know..." "ARCHER:" "Yeah,we ..." "CHERLENE:" "Letme finish!" "...penis." "No, you ruined it." "And by "it," I meant the moment." "Not his penis." "ARCHER:" "I ..." "CHERLENE:" "Penis." "ARCHER:" "Willyoushutup?" "!" "I know what I'm doing!" "CALDÉRON:" "Yes,butdon 'tdo what you are doing!" "(Caldéron and Cherlene yelp)" "(Archer chuckles)" "CALDÉRON:" "Areyoucrazy?" "!" "This car is worth one quarter of" "$1 million!" "CHERLENE:" "Well,was." "ARCHER:" "Anddidyou ever think maybe your fleet of priceless cars is the reason you're fighting off a rebellion?" "CALDÉRON:" "I 'mfightingthe rebels because that is what we do!" "My father fought the rebels, his father fought the rebels..." "CHERLENE:" "So,likeafamily business." "ARCHER:" "Thatmanufactures oppression." "CALDÉRON:" "Well,andcocaine." "In fact..." "CHERLENE:" "Stop!" "(Archer and Caldéron scream)" "(tires screeching)" "ARCHER:" "What?" "!" "CHERLENE:" "That." "(Archer gasps)" "I mean, if you think we have time." "(tiger roars)" "ARCHER:" "I ..." "Istherea tiger?" "CALDÉRON:" "Ofcoursethereis a tiger." "Where did you think you are," "Tegucigalpa?" "(Archer giggles gleefully)" "(tires squealing)" "CYRIL:" "Andso ,by thepower self-vested in me, I now pronounce us man and wife, and I may also kiss the bride." "(Cyril kissing, Juliana grunts)" "PAM:" "Yay!" "MALORY:" "Ugh,secondworst wedding ever." "RAY:" "Yeah,butatleast nobody died." "PAM( laughing):" "Yet!" "(clears throat)" "Inappropes." "MALORY:" "Whatis wrongwith you?" "PAM:" "I 'mtryingto makethat a thing people say, like," ""Damn, dawg, that's inappropes!"" "Plus, I think I'm addicted to cocaine." "MALORY:" "Well,butlookonthe bright side." "With any luck at all, it will save me the trouble of killing you myself." "PAM( sniffling):" "Damn, dawg..." "RAY:" "Inappropes." "PAM:" "Yay!" "ARCHER( quietly):" "Yay!" "Yay!" "(tiger roars)" "They should've sent a poet." "Oh, and some meat." "Do we have any meat?" "(elephant trumpets)" "CALDÉRON:" "Literallytons." "ARCHER:" "No,Ididn'tmean  another animal." "I meant like a steak, or some..." "CALDÉRON:" "TypicalAmerican." "You think meat comes from the supermercado, all wrapped in a nice plastic wrap." "ARCHER:" "Yeah,you're describing meat." "CALDÉRON:" "No,no ,no ." "Meat is blood and bones and sinew!" "ARCHER:" "Well,nowyou 're describing not-meat." "CALDÉRON:" "Meatis whatever the tiger says is meat, because" "God made him the boss and all the other animals his food!" "(tiger roars)" "ARCHER:" "Hangon ,buddy." "And thank you, George Bore-well, for that clunky analogy in defense of totalitarianism, but" "I'm not feeding Shane an elephant." "CHERLENE:" "Whothehellis... (gasps)" "Oh, my God, he's totally a" "Shane." "So let me bounce this off you guys..." "KRIEGER:" "Whatsaywedon't launch this giant nerve gas missile at, uh... where did you say you were launching it?" "KRIEGERCLONE1:" "Wouldn'tyou  like to know?" "(hearty laughter)" "KRIEGER:" "I would,actually." "Come on, you guys are acting a little... insane." "KRIEGERCLONE1:" "Do youknow what's insane?" "!" "KRIEGER:" "Yeah,this." "All of it, everything." "The rocket, uh..." "I'm not really comfortable with the clone-bone." "KRIEGERCLONE1:" "You'renot  doing it right." "Now move, so I can begin the launch sequence." "KRIEGER:" "Overmy dead body, man that was a jinx, huh?" "(cocks gun)" "No, no, no, wait, wait, wait!" "ARCHER:" "Hangon !" "As amazing as it would be, we can't take Shane with us." "CHERLENE:" "Yeah,we can, watch." "BOTH:" "No,no ,no ,no !" "No, don't!" "(low rumbling growl)" "CALDÉRON:" "Okay,okay,okay, okay." "ARCHER:" "Carol,listentome very closely." "CHERLENE:" "Why,yougonnawalk  me through your organic method of vaginal hygiene?" "ARCHER:" "Mywhat?" "CHERLENE:" "You'reabigger pussy than Shane!" "Come here, boy!" "(smacking lips)" "(tiger roars, Caldéron screams)" "ARCHERANDCHERLENE:" "Shane!" "(Caldéron screams)" "CHERLENE:" "Dosomething!" "(Caldéron screaming)" "ARCHER:" "Likewhat?" "KRIEGERCLONE1:" "Gethim !" "(grunting)" "KRIEGERCLONE2:" "We 're coming, brother!" "KRIEGERCLONE3:" "Hiy...!" "(gunshot)" "(Krieger Clone 3 screams)" "KRIEGERCLONE2:" "No ...!" "KRIEGERCLONE1:" "Brother...!" "(thuds)" "You bastard!" "Brother, the launch sequence!" "KRIEGER:" "No!" "(keyboard clicking)" "(strained grunting)" "(gunshot)" "KRIEGERCLONE1:" "Don'tstop!" "(four gunshots)" "(grunting)" "KRIEGERCLONE2:" "Almost... there." "KRIEGER:" "Oh,comeon!" "KRIEGERCLONE2:" "Shut...up." "SEXYROBOTVOICE:" "Launch sequence initiated." "KRIEGER:" "No!" "KRIEGERCLONE1( sobs):" "No!" "(thuds)" "(strained grunting)" "(choking)" "KRIEGER:" "Ha-ha!" "It doesn't work with a bow... tiiiiiiiiieeeeee!" "(loud thuds)" "ARCHER:" "Shane!" "Shane...!" "CHERLENE:" "Shane...!" "(Caldéron screaming)" "(tiger roars)" "(scream stops abruptly)" "ARCHER:" "Shane?" "(tiger snuffles)" "(low, contented growl)" "CHERLENE:" "Well,we should've guessed that was gonna happen." "(chuckling)" "ARCHER:" "W ...weshould've?" "CHERLENE:" "Well,or at least could've." "I mean..." "ARCHER:" "Yeah,I-I-Iguess, uh..." "I guess a leopard can't change his spots." "CHERLENE:" "Uh..." "Idon 'tknow that much about leopards." "ARCHER:" "Thatwasactually a proverb." "CHERLENE:" "Thatwasactuallya tiger." "SEXYROBOTVOICE:" "Minutesto launch: 180." "KRIEGER:" "Huh." "That is a lot longer than I thought it would be." "ARCHER:" "Okay,whenwegetto rebel HQ, they might be aggressive at first, but..." "CHERLENE:" "Theywouldn'tifwe had a damn tiger." "(Archer sighs)" "ARCHER:" "No." "We're-we're not going back." "Unless..." "No." "CHERLENE:" "Whatif ..." "ARCHER:" "Hehadhis chance!" "JULIANA:" "A what?" "CYRIL:" "A charivari." "Also called a shivaree?" "You know, it's that thing where everybody bangs pots and pans outside our room as we... consummate." "(chuckles)" "JULIANA:" "Oh...n-no." "We're not doing that." "LANA:" "Ha-ha!" "Ow!" "Ray, my feet are already killing me." "RAY:" "Sorry." "MALORY:" "He'sprobablynot  used to leading." "RAY:" "Youknow..." "MALORY:" "You,on theother hand..." "lead away." "PAM:" "Mindif Icut in?" "COMANDANTE:" "No." "MALORY:" "Yes!" "PAM:" "Screwyouguys." "Hey, Krieger!" "KRIEGER:" "Whatthehellis going on?" "PAM:" "Cyril'sthenew  dictator..." "CYRIL:" "President." "PAM:" "Shutup ,andhejust  married crazy tits, and I need a dance partner." "So nobody noticed that I've been missing for three weeks?" "RAY:" "Um..." "MALORY:" "Well,Icertainly didn't." "PAM:" "Wefiguredthe vampires" "MALORY:" "Thewhat?" "LANA:" "Wait,what?" "KRIEGER( sighs):" "They'renot vampires, they're my clones." "Or I'm their clone, or..." "MALORY:" "Oh,please,you and  your clone nonsense, it's all a bunch of..." "LANA:" "Holyshit." "CYRIL:" "WhywasInotinformed of this, Krieger?" "PAM:" "Ifhe evenisKrieger!" "CYRIL:" "Huh?" "PAM:" "TherealKriegercould be down there!" "KRIEGER:" "Oh,for...thatis just..." "I won't even dignify that with a response." "Uh, uh... (snapping fingers)" "LANA:" "Pam?" "KRIEGER:" "Pam!" "PAM:" "Uh-huh." "KRIEGER:" "I 'vegota concussion." "And this regular tie means nothing, I don't like bow ties so I switched." "LANA:" "Well,youcertainly sound concussed." "PAM:" "Hesoundslikea vampire!" "I say we tie him up and let the sun sort it out!" "LANA:" "Youneedtohush ." "SEXYROBOTVOICE:" "Minutesto launch: 150." "MALORY:" "Whatis that?" "PAM:" "Whatis goingon?" "CYRIL:" "Tellme thatrobot's not talking about launching this rocket, Krieger." "PAM:" "Orshouldwesay" "Count Krieg..." "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow, cut it out!" "Ow!" "Goddamn it!" "Ow!" "LANA:" "Thankyou." "PAM:" "Vampirelovers." "KRIEGER:" "Yeah,so ,here's the thing..." "ARCHER:" "Thisis it ,rebel headquarters." "Now, remember, let me do the talking." "CHERLENE:" "Gotit ." "ARCHER:" "I 'mserious." "CHERLENE:" "I gotit ." "ARCHER:" "Lookat me ." "CHERLENE:" "I gotit !" "Jesus!" "ARCHER:" "Okay." "Then here we go." "(rebels shouting in Spanish)" "REBELSOLDIER:" "Pinchecabrón!" "CHERLENE:" "Ow!" "ARCHER:" "Goddamnit !" "You said you'd let me do the... (grunts)" "(Cherlene laughing)" "REBELSOLDIER2: ¡Espere, espere!" "¡Mira, mira!" "Es la cantante!" "CHERLENE:¶ It'sallaboutme this time... ¶" "Aw..." "MALORY:" "So." "You're saying this gigantic rocket is not only full of deadly nerve gas, but also aimed" "God knows where?" "KRIEGER:" "Well,thatstatement presupposes the existence of" "God, but..." "MALORY:" "Krieger,Iamabout two seconds away from telling" "Pam to get a wooden stake." "PAM:" "Yay!" "KRIEGER:" "I 'mnotavampire!" "MALORY:" "Doesn'tmatterto the stake." "KRIEGER:" "Thenyes!" "It's full of nerve gas, and I don't know where it's aimed!" "LANA:" "What?" "What's the range on this thing?" "KRIEGER:" "I don'tknow,2,000 miles?" "(Malory gasps)" "MALORY:" "Howfarawayisthe" "Upper East Side?" "KRIEGER:" "I don'tknow, 1,980-something miles?" "(Malory screams)" "CYRIL:" "Okay,thisisa  presidential order from the president." "Shut it down!" "KRIEGER:" "I can't!" "PAM:" "Can't,or won't?" "KRIEGER:" "Can't!" "PAM:" "Oh." "I didn't hear you." "LANA:" "Ray,canyou override the launch sequence?" "RAY:" "Um..." "SEXYROBOTVOICE:" "Launch sequence accelerated." "RAY:" "No." "(all exclaiming)" "MALORY:" "Oh,forGod 'ssake." "SEXYROBOTVOICE:" "Minutesto launch: 90." "LANA:" "Cyril..." "CYRIL:" "Uh,it 'sactually" "Señor Presidente, but..." "LANA:" "Shh,hush." "Now I know you've had a fun time as dictator, and we all enjoyed this little break from him, but Cyril-- and if you tell him" "I said this, I'll break your frickin' arms-- it's... ugh..." "Archer time." "CYRIL:" "Wha...?" "Oh, all right." "LANA:" "Krieger,Iassumethe whatever..." "PAM:" "Doppelkriegers." "LANA:" "I assumetheyhad a lab, so take Ray and see if you can find some info on how to shut this damn thing down." "We'll go get Archer." "PAM:" "Ooh,andCherlene!" "LANA:" "Ooh,andno." "Because she isn't here." "CYRIL:" "Oh!" "Damn it, Archer!" "Damn you!" "You can't even let me pretend to be magnanimous while inwardly gloating!" "MALORY:" "Oh,shutup." "What does the note say?" "LANA( reading):" "So, airport?" "PAM:" "Butthenotesays not... (mumbling)" "CYRIL:" "Well,Iguessthat  settles that!" "I mean, it's not like we can just waltz into enemy territory and..." "Well, I certainly can't." "LANA:" "Can't,or ..." "CYRIL:" "Both,either,all ." "They'd shoot me on sight, Lana." "And if you want Archer so damn bad, you can go get him your... (tires squealing)" "Huh." "I didn't think she'd actually do it." "MALORY:" "Thenyou'reanidiot." "CYRIL:" "Oh,I'mthe idiot?" "MALORY:" "Yes." "(Archer grunts)" "ARCHER:" "Whatthe...?" "Holly?" "HOLLY:" "Archer?" "SLATER:" "Rando?" "ARCHER:" "Slater?" "HOLLY:" "WhothehellisRando ?" "SLATER:" "Him!" "HOLLY:" "That'sSterling" "Archer!" "CHERLENE( loudly):" "A-hem!" "And I am Cherlene?" "The Queen of Outlaw Country?" "SLATER:" "Whatthehellareyou doing here?" "ARCHER:" "Whatthehellareyou doing here?" "HOLLY:" "I couldaskyou the  same question." "I amasking you the same question!" "ARCHER:" "Wecametojoin the rebels." "SLATER:" "What?" "ARCHER:" "What'stheFBI doing in San Marcos?" "With a cocaine smuggler?" "(Holly sighs)" "HOLLY:" "I 'mnotFBI,and he's not a..." "SLATER:" "Well,technically," "I am, but..." "HOLLY:" "We'rebothCIA ." "ARCHER:" "What?" "!" "CHERLENE( whispering):" "C ..." "I..." "A." "SLATER:" "Andwe 'realso the rebels." "HOLLY:" "Andyouare ina mundo of caca." "LANA:" "Okay!" "Listen, stop, listen to me!" "ARCHER:" "Lana?" "!" "LANA:" "Holly?" "What's the FBI doing..." "ARCHER:" "Thesedickheads aren't FBI, Lana, they're CIA!" "And also the rebels!" "Huh." "Thought that would get more of a reaction." "LANA:" "Yeah,no ,thatis,  um... news, uh... but my water just broke, so..." "Captioned by MediaAccessGroupatWGBH  access.wgbh.org" "MAN:" "Made...in Georgia."