"(FANFARE PLAYING)" "NARRATOR:" "For the past few years, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington have been meeting regularly for a series of pointless conversations." "This is one of them." "Testing." "Is that all right?" "3?" "(DINGS)" "Hello, and welcome to The Ricky Gervais Show, with me, Ricky Gervais," "Stephen Merchant..." "Hello." "And a little round-headed buffoon." "That is..." "Karl Pilkington." "Right." "In ancient Greece, every year, 500 people would be selected from that Grecian society, and they would have to sit there, (CHEERING) that year, and they would propose laws, and everyone else would vote on them." "Now if you were in that position, right, you're called up..." "What rules and laws are you instigating?" "You might go, right, I want, uh, I want an egalitarian society." "I want freedom for people." "I don't want slavery." "I don't want any sort of oppression." "Would that be high on your list?" "You could say, you know, when I..." "Worked at Cordon Bleu, there was times when I thought," ""God, being treated like a slave here." Mmm." "You weren't though because you being paid and you were free." "Definitely not a slave." "So..." "Definitely not a slave." "What do you mean?" "I wasn't free." "I was on like from, from 9:00-6:00." "But you had the choice to leave the job." "Slaves didn't have a choice to leave." "I didn't have a choice." "Yeah, you did, yeah." "The only other choice was Tesco and they had already turned me down." "No, that's not, that's not, that wasn't, that wasn't..." "There was no choice, that's why." "Yeah." "That wasn't the lack of choice given to most slaves." "But the slaves..." "The slaves who built the Pyramids, that wasn't an option for them." "It wasn't like they could go..." ""Right, I could get a better gig on the Sphinx."" "RICKY: (LAUGHING) Yeah." "Yeah." "(STEPHEN LAUGHING)" "I'm just saying..." "No you're not saying anything." "You're saying absolute drivel again." "Um..." "Here's a little Greek proverb for you." ""A society grows great" ""When old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in."" "What did you think of that?" "Do you understand?" "Yeah." "Just saying, uh..." "They're planting a seed." "They grow a tree, but trees take ages." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Takes a long time." "That old fella is not gonna get any joy out of that." "Right." "But if he's lucky..." "RICKY:" "Yeah." "Fella next door might have done the same years ago." "So it's all about, sort of planting a seed, looking after each other." "That's great actually." "It's not, I don't think it's directly what it means." "It's almost." "It's almost the point." "Yeah." "Yeah." "That's good." "Yeah, I think he means that future generations." "But, yeah..." "If, yeah..." "If the next door neighbor had done that, then uh, yeah, that works as well." "But that's, but you seem to agree that that's a good point." "Do you agree that seems a good point to you?" "Um, but I'm, I'm sort of guessing he enjoyed gardening anyway." "Part of the enjoyment was in planting that seed." "RICKY:" "Right." "Ok." "We see now." "Oh, it's the old metaphor problem again, isn't it?" "I know, yeah." "It's not specifically about trees." "But, but as a metaphor, what he enjoyed..." "Is the fact that he's added to society and human life, and he's got a legacy and all that, so." "But by the same time, when I went to Ibiza, right." "Now there, they have motorbikes, people flying around on them." "People don't wear helmets." "You might even get three people on a moped." "I saw a farmer with a goat in a basket." "They don't care." "They're whizzing around at high speeds." "(CRASHING) Lot of deaths there." "STEPHEN:" "Yeah." "Um, and they'll have a lot of them, them see, at, those areas where..." "Someone's come off, been killed." "People put flowers there." "STEPHEN:" "Yeah." "And, because that happens a lot, it's a lovely green island." "(GOAT BAAING)" "Now here, we're saying... (REPEATEDLY) Whoa..." "What?" "Are you saying that all the deaths make it nice because there's flowers?" "It makes it lovely." "Because there's loads of flowers everywhere." "So with death, comes beauty." "So that's another metaphor." "You can have that one." "That was one of the most tortuous things I've ever..." "KARL:" "Now..." "That was extraordinary." "But look, look at London." "That was extraordinary, Karl." "Right." "Karl, Karl, so..." "Well look at London." "Let me finish my point." "But, that's a very good point." "Let him finish his point." "Let him finish." "I'm intrigued." "Yeah." "KARL:" "Right." "London." "Councilor with his clipboard." "Need a speed bump here." "Saw someone doing 35." "Put some traffic lights there and a pedestrian crossing." "Pelican crossing there as well." "And a speed camera." "STEPHEN:" "Right." "Horrible and gray." "Okay." "No flowers." "But you still see flowers left behind where people have died in terrible accidents." "You see that all the time." "Not many good ones." "It's stuck to a lamppost with an elastic band around them." "They don't look nice." "RICKY: (LAUGHS) He's noted the quality of flowers." "Yeah, but the point is, the point is..." "Wow." "Some 15-year-old got run down, and you're disappointed at the quality of the flowers." "RICKY:" "Look at this, Suzanne." "Fella lost his head here." "Geraniums." "Geraniums!" "Fella lost his bloody head!" "RICKY:" "Fuckin hell..." "So we have to, we have to..." "Encourage gun crime so that people get shot in inner cities, and then we can put flowers up and beautify the area." "Is that what you're saying?" "No, but if an area's nicer to look in, nicer to be in." "If it's nicer looking, um..." "KARL:" "You don't get people speeding around like lunatics." "Because they go, I, I'm not in a rush." "I'd quite like to slow down there and look at the flowers." "But, this is so complicated." "So, now what you're saying is, because an area is grey and gloomy, people speed around to get out of it." "And in the course of doing that, they knock people down." "But then flowers are put up which then makes the area beautiful." "Thus stopping people driving around at speed so death no longer occurs." "RICKY:" "Well, they keep having to get out of their cars to put down flowers." "STEPHEN:" "And they get knocked down..." "RICKY:" "Yeah." "...by other people on their way to put some flowers down." "Yeah." "Just sometimes people have to die, don't they?" "There was a fellow outside our house hit a lamppost." "(CRASHING) He had a helmet on, but his head come off." "(LAUGHING)" "You made me laugh at a man's head coming off." "Just the way you said it." "But, but, that's the thing... (STUTTERING) He had a, he, he had a..." "Oh, God." "RICKY:" "There's a man." "Right by my house." "He hit a lamp post." "(STEPHEN LAUGHING)" "He had a helmet on." "But his head come off." "So you're saying that because in that one instance, the helmet did not save his life?" "KARL:" "His head was in great condition." "It's just not attached to his body." "And that's what I'm saying to you." "Sometimes people have to die." "How far, how far do you tackle all this stuff of, of you know..." "Safety gear, and slowing down, and wear bright clothes at night, and..." "It's just too much." "RICKY:" "Very important point, you see." "Do you think someone should be made to wear a crash helmet?" "They're only hurting themselves." "Uh... (EXHALES) Crash helmet." "I don't think you should get fined for not wearing one." "RICKY:" "Don't forget, we're not just protecting him." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "He could be a father with two kids." "RICKY:" "So you're going, oh, let him die... (CRASHING)" "If he doesn't want to wear a crash helmet." "Let him." "Let him get brain damaged." "Is that what you're saying?" "I'm just saying, we're, we're over the top in this country, when it comes to that sort of thing." "No but you, so you're saying, if you're saying, no, if he doesn't want to wear a crash helmet, let him not wear a crash helmet." "RICKY:" "He smacks his head in." "He's a vegetable." "He's like that..." "(IMITATES BRAIN-DEAD PERSON)" "Sitting at home, like that." "And yet the two little kids come to you." "You're in charge, don't forget." "We've put you in charge of society here." "And they come to you." "Two little kids." "They go," "(CHILD VOICE) President Pilkington." "What?" "Why did you let my daddy wear the...not wear the crash helmet?" "I didn't." "We paid, uh, we put leaflets through the door." "KARL:" "We had adverts on the telly, Sunshine." "Yeah but, but why?" "It's your dad's fault." "But why wasn't it compulsory?" "Because he would, his..." "It's not the world we live in, Sonny." "Yeah it is." "Now I haven't got a daddy." "Has he got a helmet at all?" "Have you seen that helmet knocking about?" "No he's, he's just a vegetable now." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah, he didn't want to wear a crash helmet." "But why didn't you make him wear a crash helmet?" "It wasn't just him, it was us." "(CRYING) Why did you, why did you turn my daddy into a vegetable?" "Where's your mom?" "Mom, mom, mom left when..." "He kept going on about not wearing a crash helmet." "And she..." "All right, then." "Gonna put you in a home." "I just think, you see this is the problem." "Everyone's looking for someone to blame." "Yes, but, this is interesting though because..." "You, you were particularly curt to that..." "Little 4-year-old-boy who seemed so sweet and adorable." "Yeah." "Yeah." "But why wasn't he giving this stick to his dad?" "BOTH:" "Well, his dad's dead." "He's a vegetable." "He's dead..." "He's good as dead to him." "RICKY:" "His dad went within the law." "It was not the law to wear a crash helmet anymore, because you said," ""Forget it." "I don't want a nanny state."" "I don't want, if you wear a crash helmet or not." "He wasn't a responsible parent." "He hadn't thought it through." "But this is your job." "Some people aren't responsible." "Society keeps them in, on track." "This was your, you were in charge." "You should have made him wear a crash helmet." "He had two kids." "We've heard from one of the kids." "What's the other one's attitude?" "Is he, he's the younger one?" "He's a bit younger." "He's even younger still." "Yeah." "Oh." "RICKY:" "President Pilkington." "My brother's crying now, because you've shouted at him." "I wish you'd have made my daddy wear a crash helmet." "Why didn't you make your daddy wear a crash helmet?" "Well, he won't listen to me because I'm not in charge of society." "Well, he didn't listen to me." "Yeah, but..." "He seems like a bit of a, a numb nut to be honest." "No, he did listen to you." "What did he do for a living?" "Because you made a new rule, saying people don't have to wear crash helmets." "KARL:" "Right, right." "What..." "And he listened to you." "Well, did he, did he pop shoes on in the morning when he went out?" "Or did I need to be here to tell him to do that as well?" "Well no, there's certain things..." "Oh, so he has got some common sense then." "Well he's..." "All right, interesting." "Yeah." "So he can be bothered with his trainers, but he can't be bothered with helmet." "(CRYING) Now I haven't got daddy." "Jesus." "Why can't they just put a leaflet through saying, "Hello everyone." ""Use your common sense."" "Yeah." "Because..." "That's all I'm asking." "That's what I'd say if I was President." "Because some people don't have common sense." "Everyone's got common sense." "Some people are fucking idiots, mate!" "Yes." "That's why there's, yeah." "Then it's not my fault then." "That's why there is a government." "Not my fault." "If we let, if we let people alone, they'd be fucking idiots..." "It's what we've talked about here." "Social responsibility." "This is your approach." "I wash my hands of the whole affair." "Yeah." "I'd, I'd hope that the people who don't wear a helmet, sort of they do themselves in, and that's cleared them off." "That's one problem sorted." "So you think, you're being Darwinian." "You're thinking, survival of the fittest." "Yeah." "The idiots will soon, but they don't..." "Because they're not just the victims." "The dead person isn't the victim." "We've talked about it before." "You know, people who smoke know that it's dangerous." "(COUGHING) But why is that still legal?" "And yet people know that, and they still smoke." "Fat people know that they're gonna get out of breath and clammy..." "And yet they still eat more." "But, because that's what I'm saying." "Why don't we stop fat people eating?" "RICKY:" "If you got a smackhead and you really love him, you intervene." "You grab him, you put him in a cupboard." "You go, you're not coming out." "He goes mad for about a year, then he thanks you for it." "Yeah." "So lock fat people in a cupboard?" "And just put carrots under the door." "What?" "You can't get 'em in." "The thing is, there's gotta be some responsibility." "Now if it's your own fat kid, stick him in your cupboard." "But what I'm saying is as a councilor," "I'm not spending taxpayers' money on cupboards to put the fat kid in." "(LAUGHING)" "Obviously in China, you can only have, uh, one child, can't you?" "Is that something you feel we should bring in here?" "Uh, yeah, I think we, we've got to um, I don't know about one kid." "I, I just sort of concentrate on who can have a kid." "Okay." "As opposed to, you know, if someone's got a load of money and they're good at looking after kids." "Let Madonna have as many as she wants." "But if you're someone who's, who's..." "RICKY:" "Oh, yeah, but then, but then..." "So social engineering you want to do there." "Yeah, but then, but hold on there, this is..." "But what use are they then?" "If you're bringing them into a poor family, what's the point?" "(CRYING) KARL:" "What good is that for anyone?" "It's not good for the people who have had the kids." "So who's deciding who's allowed to have how many kids?" "Are you deciding?" "Yeah, but I, I was, I was brought into the poor family, wasn't I?" "Uh..." "What?" "I was brought into a poor family." "KARL:" "Yeah, but I'm talking, I'm talking really poor." "RICKY:" "So, Third World?" "(CRYING AND YELLING)" "KARL:" "No." "RICKY:" "What, poorer than that?" "Poorer than no money at all?" "I just mean like the people that I've told you about on the estate sometimes." "You had that one who chased cars and stuff." "He wasn't happy." "They didn't care if he was there or not." "What's the point?" "Wait, so hang on." "Sorry." "So let's imagine that Ricky and I are husband and wife." "We've come in, right." "What's your questions to us to establish whether we, we're allowed to have a couple of kids?" "(WITH FEMININE VOICE) Hello." "Hello." "Thanks for, thanks for coming." "Um, me and my husband, um, we, we can't have children." "Why not?" "Uh, cause he's, he's got no sperm at all." "He had one sperm and it was, it was ridiculous." "It was awful." "It just came out like a dead anchovy." "Right." "What's..." "And are you meant to have 300 million tiny ones..." "And he had one big one." "It was horrible." "I had to pull it out." "It was like a leech." "And, uh, and also I've, uh, it was no..." "I haven't, I haven't got a vagina." "So it was..." "Completely smooth down there like an action man." "Yeah, so there's that." "I don't know." "But we, we love children, and um..." "Um, we wondered if we, we could, um, have a child?" "What do you do for living?" "What do you do?" "What's your work?" "Uh..." "I'm a rapist." "(LAUGHING)" "All right, then." "And I dispose of the bodies." "All right." "Oh, well fill out this form." "(LAUGHING) Um, I should have clarified." "A rapist murderer." "Fill out the form." "Yeah." "He does it in the wrong order as well." "I must say so..." "Yeah." "Number of times I've disposed of the body, he said, "I hadn't raped that one."" "I know." "Just wondered, what else you need to know about us?" "Because even though I..." "That was our little joke by the way." "RICKY:" "He doesn't, he doesn't rape." "(REPEATEDLY) Course not." "No, I work in a, I work in an office..." "He works in an office in, uh, in the town." "But yeah." "She's a housewife." "I'm a, I'm a housewife." "I'm making a little nest for when we have a, we adopt a little, a little child." "We don't earn a great deal of money, but we're good parents, we think." "We're very good parents." "How?" "What's, what's that based on?" "Why..." "Well, we're good people, you know." "I mean aside from a few naughty jokes." "We're God-fearing people." "We believe that um, uh, God is watching all of us." "And um, we believe in the Old Testament." "And sometimes he tells us to kill and rape." "Yeah, sometimes he does, yeah." "We're joking again." "Of course..." "We're joking again." "We don't believe in God." "We're, um..." "We're from an atheist and believe that..." "Our time on Earth is all we have, and then when we die we become worm's meat." "Right." "Uh, have you filled out the form?" "But we've already, we've already painted the back bedroom." "That's ready for the little child." "We've painted it black." "Cause um, we, we want our child to be a Satanist." "Right." "RICKY:" "Joking again." "Little joke from us." "Little joke." "(INCOHERENT)" "We want him to be an accountant." "Right." "RICKY:" "Yeah." "Um..." "Gay accountant." "There's too much in society where people are pressured to be heterosexual." "So we're, we're gonna try and make ours a homosexual." "Right." "So you've filled out the form." "Filled out the form." "Yeah, well uh, we'll pop that in, get it processed." "Right." "Okay, but what kind of questions are you gonna ask us?" "(EXHALES) None, none really." "STEPHEN:" "None." "So you... (LAUGHING)" "It's just my job." "You're happy." "You're happy with us." "Just my job to pass the forms on." "We've passed the interview." "Because the world we live in now." "Oh, oh God." "Uh..." "You've obviously heard of the famous Rosa Parks incident..." "In which, um, she was obliged..." "To move on the bus from where she was sat to somewhere else." "And she chose not to, and she was arrested for it." "Became very much a sort of figurehead of the Civil Rights Movement." "Had you been traveling on that bus..." "What would you do?" "Um..." "And am I far from where I am, I'm getting off?" "(LAUGHING)" "So once again, you can't just nip out at the next stop." "So you can wash your hands of the whole affair." "No, you're on that bus." "You've still got a number of stops." "So you've gotta stay on that bus." "You've seen this bus driver demanding that she gets up." "Gives up that seat." "Maybe she's given up that seat for you." "KARL:" "Uh, I'd probably go, oh it's all right." "I'm, I'm standing." "I'm all right." "What if Suzanne wasn't allowed to sit with you on buses?" "What if, what if now a law came in that women were second class citizens, and she can't come with you?" "Wouldn't you go, no, fuck that." "She's sitting with me?" "I'd say, we were only going round the block." "We've been to the, to the shopping center." "Be only 15 minutes." "Can you take that bag with you because there's no one sat next to you down there?" "I'm a bit crammed in up here." "There's more blokes on the bus." "I'll see you in a minute." "Karl, let's put this..." "I mean obviously this is too much for your head to..." "You're on a bus, right, and there's a few white people, and they're..." "KARL:" "I'm the driver." "RICKY:" "And they're being racist to a black kid. (LAUGHING)" "KARL:" "Right." "I go, if I'm driving, I'd go," ""Lads, stop that will you?"" "If you're gonna be racist, can you get off at the next stop and do it there?" "Well you know, we've all, we've all had a tough day." "It's the end of the day." "We just all want to go home." "We've all been working." "Uh, he's not in your way." "He's sat in his own seat." "Sit back, calm down, and enough. (TIRES SCREECH)" "Surely you come, surely you want to be on the side of right." "I'm just doing me job here." "I'm sat driving a bus. (STEPHEN SIGHS)" "I'm driving a bus for 30 quid a week here." "And getting a load of grief of some people at the end of the day." "All right." "But think bigger than the bus rule." "It's not just a bus thing, all right." "Just imagine that you're not a bus driver." "All right?" "Think bigger." "No, but that's what we're talking about here." "But yes, but Ricky's trying to make a point." "It's an analogy." "Again, it's about you taking some kind of responsibility..." "That could put you in harm's way." "You must know what, yeah." "That could mean that you've got to stand up to danger or to bullies or to aggression." "If someone, if someone's attacking Suzanne, she goes," "Karl, help." "You go, no." "No, I could get hurt." "No, of course not, because I know the full story here." "But this is what I'm saying about Rosy..." "What do you mean you know the full story here?" "Rosy whatsit?" "I'm just saying, she sat on the bus." "(SNICKERING)" "How did it work?" "I'll tell you how it worked." "She got on the bus, she sat where she wanted." "No, I'll tell you how it worked." "It was, uh, up to the driver's discretion to change where black people could sit, depending on the number of white passengers that got on." "STEPHEN:" "So she sat in a seat." "So more and more white passengers get on." "So this bloke decides, well no, actually this is no longer the black section." "There is no black section because there's enough white people." "You've gotta stand up." "KARL:" "Right." "And she decided, no." "I'm not gonna get up." "It's my right to be able to sit on this bus, as a person, as a human being..." "Not whether or black or white, and that was why she got arrested." "On a different bus, on a different day, it might not have turned out that way." "That's what I'm saying." "It might have been, you know, someone else who goes..." ""Get off."" "Who's been in right mood." "Might have been in the pub all afternoon." "(RICKY LAUGHING) And she's there going," ""I'm not moving."" "(YELLING) And he's, he's fed up." "He's up to here with it." "STEPHEN:" "Sorry, so she's pissed up then?" "RICKY:" "She's pissed up now..." "KARL:" "No, no, the person sat next to her." "STEPHEN:" "Been watching the rugby." "RICKY:" "Yeah." "KARL:" "Might have even been a black bloke, who's been working hard, and he's like..." ""I don't want this." It's difficult, isn't it?" "If I was on there, I'd weigh her up, you know." "Is this woman doing this as like a good cause, or is she just a trouble causer?" "If she just seemed like, you know..." ""Eh." "I'll do what I want."" "Now that's fine." "You'll always get people who do what they want, and they do change the little rules along the way." "But I bet when she was doing it, it wasn't like a big..." "Stand up, this is, this is the day I'm gonna do it." "It's just happened to, she was fed up that day." "She didn't want to get up." "Lazy." "(RICKY LAUGHING)" "She might just go around law-breaking all the time. (ALARM RINGING)" "And she's remembered now because she's, she'd made a change about bus seats." "But when she got up that morning, did she say," ""I'm gonna do that."" "Or had she been fly tipping before she got on the bus?" "(LAUGHING) This is what I'm saying." "Did she just, if she just stood, you know..." "No." "No, she's not a troublemaker." "She's someone who already had a burgeoning interest in the civil rights." "I mean, I really thought the Rosa Parks incident was pretty cut and dry." "It's, yeah." "The fact that Karl's managed to find an ambiguity in it is extraordinary." "I know." "I love it." "Tell me something else about Rosie Parks." "Oh, for God's sake." "I don't know what she's got to do to win you round, Karl." "(LAUGHING)" "Obviously I didn't realize I had to..." "I didn't realize it would be this difficult." "(DINGS)" "Um, there was a bit of trouble in our yard the other day." "Right." "Between, uh, a wasp and a cricket." "(LAUGHING)" "Now the thing is, is there any point to this at all?" "Or are you just gonna tell us you saw a wasp..." "Are you gonna extrapolate some analogy from this?" "Uh, I think so." "BOTH: (REPEATEDLY) Okay." "Well, let's see." "So there's a wasp and a cricket?" "So do the whole scenario." "The whole scenario." "Wasp..." "STEPHEN:" "As you said, just to clarify." "As you said, it was kicking off." "RICKY:" "Right, okay." "Right, whole scenario." "So you're looking out your window." "No." "I'm, I'm in the kitchen." "By the sink." "RICKY:" "Right." "Yeah." "I'm washing up the few plates." "RICKY:" "Right." "The kitchen door is open." "RICKY:" "Right." "Suzanne says, "Oh my God." "Look at that."" "RICKY:" "What?" "There's a like a, a wasp and a cricket having a wrestle. (BUZZING)" "(LAUGHING)" "I've never seen it before." "Right." "(LAUGHING) What, wait, wait." "Are you sure this wasn't Mexican television and it actually was a sporting event?" "Two people dressed up?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "So they're there, wrestling." "And it was like, "Well stop 'em then." So she..." "Stop, whoa, whoa, whoa." "You don't interfere with fucking Rosa Parks." "Why are you interfering with a wasp and a cricket?" "Because, one, I didn't even know they didn't get on, to be honest." "(LAUGHS)" "(STUTTERING) Because I've, they were sort of wrestling." "I said, and my hands were wet so I couldn't do anything." "I always overdo it with the liquid." "STEPHEN:" "Course, yeah, sure." "So she, she's there." "I say, break..."Separate them." (BUZZING)" "RICKY: (LAUGHING) Poor Suzanne." "KARL:" "Now, so she uses a tea towel, flicks 'em." "STEPHEN:" "Flick." "Clever." "Good thinking." "KARL:" "Right." "The wasp goes its own way." "The cricket is sort of jumping about a bit." "(CRICKET CHIRPING)" "RICKY:" "But who was fighting who?" "So I am sort of saying, "That's really weird." Because wasps are changing quicker than anything else that I keep my eye on." "Okay, well that's just your theory, and it's not based on anything." "Well, I told you, a couple years back, I saw one eating chicken." "They shouldn't be doing it." "(BANJO PLAYS)" "So, anyway, so now they're causing trouble with a cricket." "Whoa, how do you know it was the wasp's fault?" "This is prejudice." "Why do you think it was the wasp's fault?" "What if the cricket would have started it?" "What if the cricket's got a society that go," ""We hate wasps." "We hate their stripes." ""We hate them." "If they come here, fight 'em." ""If everyone comes down here, fight 'em." (CRICKETS CHIRPING)" "How would you know it wasn't the cricket that started that?" "(BUZZING)" "Well, I suppose at that time I didn't." "But since..." "Oh, subsequent information has come through..." "Oh, okay, sorry." "This is like Columbo, isn't it?" "So anyway..." "Yeah." "Mmm." "So I saw all that." "We broke it up." "The cricket was sort of shaking a bit." "RICKY: (LAUGHING) Definitely not." "Definitely not." "It was shaking a little bit." "STEPHEN:" "Yeah." "So I sort of prodded it." "Put a little leaf over it, because it was a hot day." "Thought, I'll put a leaf there so it doesn't get over heated." "I love this." "Like he's doing a marathon." "I'll keep an eye on it." "It's got a little, it's got "Mars" on the leaf." "Right there on the leaf, and now it's just walking over with a little medal." "So Suzanne, we, you know, we..." "I leave it for a bit." "Leave it." "What did you say?" "Get on." "About half an hour." "About left it for half an hour." "What did Suzanne want to do?" "She wanted to interfere did she?" "What did she want to do, just sort of like..." "No, she just sort of said, leave it." "Stop messing with it." "It's probably a little bit knocked out, a little bit stunned." "STEPHEN:" "Sure, let's get on with our lives, she said, yeah." "So I put the leaf on it." "We go off, and half an hour later, I get back." "And I said, I'm gonna go and..." "Where'd you go?" "Where'd you go?" "Just for a walk." "So I've been out." "Back in." "Have a look." "Cricket is still there." "Noticed one of its legs, gone." "RICKY:" "Oh." "Don't know if the wasp did that or that tea towel flick." "RICKY:" "Right." "Right." "Well, this is when I got the computer out." "KARL:" "Had a look." "What happened is, the wasp apparently does this a lot." "And it stings 'em in the head." "STEPHEN:" "Right, not this particular..." "There wasn't like a little profile of this particular wasp." "Yeah, yeah." "On a kind of police website..." "It's just, it's just an incident that happens a lot between wasps and crickets." "Right." "KARL:" "So it stung it in the head, and what happens is, it's that whole thing that we've talked about before, where it lays an egg." "RICKY:" "Right." "So I was, I was sort of having a look, seeing if I could see any sort of holes in its head." "Uh, and it just kept sort of moving its one leg, like "Oh, I can't handle this."" "Well he's got one big leg?" "One big leg at the back now." "It's normally got two that it uses to jump." "So you were worried that crickets aren't aware of the dangers of wasps?" "I just had a look online and saw that, oh, it's a popular thing that happens." "It's sort of like a bit of a mugging." "Um, they said, you can leave 'em for about half an hour." "They normally come around, and they don't know they've had an egg put in their head." "There's no way..." "But..." "It said, leave 'em for half an hour and they come around..." "There's no way it said that." "But it said they're normally stunned for about a half hour." "Have you had an egg put in your head?" "(LAUGHING)" "Like an ostrich egg, by the look of it." "It's coming out the top." "So anyway, so I picked it up." "I placed it under a little tree." "I said, it's in the shade again." "No wasp can see it there." "Let's just leave it." "STEPHEN:" "Mmm, yeah, mmm." "But you've just left that cricket to now die in agony, when that maggot goes around his head, and comes out a wasp, and leaves the carcass." "Well this is when Suzanne came up and said it wasn't moving." "(SCARY MUSIC PLAYS)" "I sorted it." "I just sorted it." "STEPHEN:" "You sorted it?" "RICKY:" "What do you mean?" "STEPHEN:" "You don't want to say anything else?" "RICKY:" "What did you mean?" "Well I said, what do you mean, you sorted it?" "She said, oh, best that I don't tell you." "Read between the lines." "RICKY:" "Right, sorry, sorry..." "She said she sorted it." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Do you think that we're in the Mafia and we're being wiretapped?" "Say what happened." "No, well she just said she sorted it." "And I said, sorted what?" "Because I had forgotten about it at that point." "I was painting." "RICKY:" "Right." "And she said, the..." "The cricket." "RICKY:" "Right." "What do you think she meant by sorted it?" "Well, by the look on her face, the way she said, I've known her for long enough." "So I know that she meant it's not good news." "RICKY:" "Yeah." "So what, what happened?" "So from that, I took for granted that she means..." "RICKY:" "Say it!" "KARL:" "I've stopped it being..." "It's no longer in misery." "RICKY:" "So what do you mean?" "What?" "RICKY:" "What did she do?" "She crushed his head." "With a stone." "RICKY:" "She got a tiny, head-shaped stone?" "KARL:" "Squashed it, because that's where all the action is, isn't it?" "So she said it was, it was too cruel watching it..." "Sort of shaking about with its one leg and stuff." "Mmm." "Had to kill it." "I imagine, I have this vision that one day... (GIGGLES)" "Suzanne just having to say to his parents, um... (INCOHERENT)" "(RICKY LAUGHING)" "RICKY:" "I've sorted it." "STEPHEN:" "I've sorted it."