"NARRATOR"." "Night over Gotham City." "But what else is over Gotham City?" "Not flying saucers." "I'm sorry, sir, but we know nothing about it at all." "I'm sorry, but we have absolutely no information, madam." "Yes?" "I'm sorry, but" "An imminent invasion from outer space?" "Ha, ha." "Well, I rather doubt it, miss." "Bonnie, please, hold the rest of the calls." "I can't talk to all of Gotham City tonight." "Yes, commissioner." "But there's a Mrs. Green out here to see you." "Regarding a man from Mars she just met in Gotham Park." "All right, Bonnie." "Wait a minute, then send her in." "Now, let me get this straight." "You say by week's end, the invasion will be complete." "And Gotham City will be overcome, not only by little men from Mars but by virulent living organisms from outer space?" "You can't expect me to take you seriously, Professor Greenleaf." "I think you should, Ms. Gordon." "And I think your father should advise all authorities to submit to and comply with the invaders." "Otherwise..." " What is it?" "Look." "There." "Flying saucers are a myth." "A figment of the whole world's imagination." "But the world's imagination and particularly Gotham City's, is getting out of hand." "What we need is some experienced help." "But what's this?" "NARRATOR"." "In an abandoned launching pad factory our old nemesis, the Joker, up to a sinister sky-born caper." "Joker, you are so marvy!" "Oh, I was more than marvy while I was in prison, Emerald." "I was positively inspired a mad scientist who had a passing penchant for picking pockets." "Plans look great, but what will you use to build your flying saucer out of?" "Oh, don't worry about that, Shamrock." "It'll be made." "And shortly, it'll be speeding across the skies of Gotham City." "Oh, but not without warning." "Ooh, the rumors I've planted." "Yes, the whispers are flying." "What scuttlebutt is afloat on my private grapevine." "And, uh, hmm, just what did this man from Mars say to you in Gotham Park, Mrs. Green?" "I don't know." "I don't speak Martian, or Marsish, or whatever you call it." "That's understandable since there is no life on Mars as we know it." "There can be no intelligible Marsish language." "Did he threaten you in any manner?" "Not exactly threaten me, but he certainly frightened me." "It's not often I run into a..." "It's not often I run into a man 3 feet tall." " No." "Three feet tall?" " Holy interplanetary yardstick." "But he did speak to you?" "And then he left in his flying saucer, Mrs. Green?" " He was out of sight in a split second." "Mother Machree." "Well, I'm sorry to be so lacking in details, gentlemen but I thought the incident should be reported." "Of course, Mrs. Green." "It's the duty of every good citizen of Gotham City to report meeting a man from Mars in a public park." "Gotham City Penal Code Section 32, Subsection 14." "Yes, thank you for coming." "You're welcome." "Goodbye, sonny." "Well, Batman?" "She seemed composed, intelligent not given to falsehoods or hallucinations." " And vaguely familiar, commissioner." "Oh?" "Perhaps the Batcomputer can help our lagging memories." "Let's go, Robin." "Daddy?" "Daddy." " What's the matter, Ms. Gordon?" "I barely got out of the library alive." "There was this little green man from Mars, and he was just scampering all over the place." "NARRATOR"." "But the library isn't the only place the little green man is scrambling." "And back in the abandoned launching pad factory..." "And scared Commissioner Gordon's daughter half to death in the library?" "While your sister, Mrs. Green, was equally effective at police headquarters?" "Oh, thank you, Professor Greenleaf, for a job well done." "You'll both certainly earn your greenbacks tonight." "All of Gotham City has the flying saucer jitters." "And when they see my flying saucer" "How are they gonna see it if you don't start making it?" "Oh, it can be assembled in a matter of hours, Shamrock." "As soon as we get the beryllium." "What is that, poopsie?" "One of the lightest metals in the world, Emerald." "Yes, and the Wayne Foundation is currently doing research on a huge supply of it." "So we heist this beryllium, build your saucer and off we go?" "No, Chartreuse." "Here we come." "From another planet." "Terrorizing the inhabitants of Gotham City and forcing them and the rest of the world's population to their knees with the demands I shall issue from my awe-inspiring spaceship." "What are those demands going to be, poopsie?" "Well, what would any green-haired Martian demand, Emerald?" "Complete capitulation, complete cooperation, complete control." "You and Chartreuse hightail it down to the Metals Research Wing of the Wayne Foundation, pick up that precious metal." " Oh, and Emerald." "Yes, poopsie?" "You go along as a decoy." "Create a diversionary tactic just in case millionaire Bruce Wayne or any member of his staff might be there." " Groovy...poopsie." "Ha-ha-ha." "I'll wait here." "If anyone should recognize me at the Wayne Foundation the Dynamic Demagogues might be" "Where have you been, Verdigris?" "Just spreading little bits of panic here and there, Joker." "And I saw the Batmobile parked in front of police headquarters so I planted a little green time bomb under the dashboard, just like you told me to." "And set it for midnight, I suppose?" "We Martians like to dispose of our Earthly enemies at the Witching hour." "Set for midnight on the nose, Joker." "Mrs. Green." " Greenhorn." "Greenhouse." " Green thumb." "Little green men." "From Mars." "Of course, I remember now." "Mrs. Green used to be the front woman for that bunko artist who, at one time, was blackmailing greengrocers." "It's a small world, isn't it, sir?" "It's a small universe, Alfred." "As I suspected, uh, from the beginning, Robin this present Martian invasion is all a hoax." "Including, somehow, the little green intruder in the library." "Now what, Batman?" "Well, let's see what this new Current Criminal Activity Bat-Disclosure Unit has to disclose." ""Joker at large." "Manufacturing a flying saucer."" "Gosh, Batman." "This machine's almost human." "But not quite human enough, Robin." "Just what would Joker be using to make his flying saucer?" "Probably one of the lighter metals." " Titanium, beryllium" "Titanium." "Titanium." "The supply of titanium is very limited in this vicinity." "But isn't there an abundant supply, sir, of beryllium in the Metals Research Wing of the Wayne Foundation?" "Indeed there is." "And Joker's just clever enough to know that." "And may be planning to appropriate it." "Alfred." " Yes, sir?" "There's 15 minutes until midnight." " I know, sir." "Pay a quick and casual call on the Wayne Foundation and check on security there." "Robin and I will follow." "But I do not want our presence known until and if the Joker plays his hand." "At once, sir." "You know I find such an assignment quite a challenge." "I'll advise Commissioner Gordon." "If our suspicions are right, old chum the Joker's terrorizing of Gotham City will be stopped at once." "Yes, Batman?" "The Joker?" "The Wayne Foundation?" "And you'll handle it yourself?" "Well, keep me informed, Batman." "I'll send you any help you need." "Right." "What was that all about, commissioner?" "Well, Batman has reason to believe the Joker is behind this so-called imminent Martian invasion." "He also suspects the next development will take place in the Metals Research Wing of the Wayne Foundation." "NARRATOR"." "So on a night filled with incredible happenings Barbara Gordon makes her own incredible change into Batgirl as the Witching hour arrives in the Batcave." "Alfred should be on his way by now." "To the Batmobile." "What a coup." "Ooh, what an incredible coup." "Well, a mad scientist to help us assemble my flying saucer." " If I may correct you, sir" "You may not correct me." "I know a mad scientist when I see a mad scientist." " But I" "Else why were you at the Metals Research Wing of the Wayne Foundation when my men caught you?" "Along with Batgirl." "Caught coming in a window." "Maybe we should find her a window in the sky." " You mean, put her in orbit, Joker?" "Exactly, Shamrock." "Just as we're gonna put my flying saucer in orbit." "Yes, with the help of this huge supply of beryllium you heisted." "Ha-ha-ha!" "And all done with no sign of Batman or Robin at all." "Hee-hee." "Of course, there's no sign of Batman and Robin, Joker." "Where have you been this time, Verdigris?" "Spreading more panic, Joker." "Police headquarters is in turmoil." "And the Batmobile is gone from where it was last parked." "And so are the Caped Cadavers." "Gone forever, Joker." "Thanks to that green time bomb I planted." "Oh, joy of joys." "Ecstasy of ecstasies." "Do you suppose there's a working launching pad left in this abandoned launching pad factory?" "Yes, there's one in the launching pad equipment locker." "And some fuse." "Oh, good." "While the countdown begins for Batgirl our mad captive scientist will unpack the beryllium and then help me assemble my flying saucer." "NARRATOR"." "While back in the battered Batcave..." "Batman." "Batman." "Batman, where are you?" "Batman?" "Where are you?" "Up here, old chum." "Boy, I'd say we had ourselves a little blast." "I'd say we had ourselves one of Joker's lethal time bombs." "No doubt planted by one of his men from Mars." "Holy rock garden." "Look, the clock didn't break." "It's almost 8:30." " We've been out cold over eight hours." "And apparently so has Alfred been out." "At the Wayne Foundation." "Where Joker and his little green menaces were going to steal the beryllium." "Do you suppose Alfred has tried to get in contact with us?" "Every receiving device around here has been broken." "And by all rights, so should we have been." "Sure, Batman." "If it hadn't been for our Anti-Thermal Bat T-shirts we've been wearing lately." " And look, the explosion even knocked" "Knocked all the phones off the hooks." "Yeah." "Hello?" "Oh, there's no more current, Robin." "Quickly, old chum." "We must rig up an Auxiliary Circuit Bat-regenerator." "Who knows what's happened to the outside world?" "Who knows what's happened to the Caped Crusaders?" "I can't seem to locate them anywhere, Mayor Lindseed." "Do you expect me to report that to Governor Stonefellow?" "To the president?" "Londinium?" "To the United Nations?" "This is an emergency, commissioner." "Flying saucers and men from Mars don't invade our country every day." "Well, at least they've stopped invading for a minute." "The sky is as clear as a die." "Die?" "A very poor choice of words, Chief O'Hara." "That's what we may all be doing if the Martians return." "Dying." "If we can't find Batman and Robin." "Not to mention Batgirl." "NARRATOR"." "But to mention Batgirl..." "This is a unique experience." "I've thrilled many a woman, Batgirl but I never sent one completely in orbit before." "You shall have company shortly, though, now that my flying saucer is completed." "Yes." "We will take off immediately after you do." "And we'll wave to you occasionally as we pass you circling the Earth." "Of course, you will keep going forever while we will circle the Earth a few more times to give everyone a good look at my saucer as they await my ultimate ultimatum in fear and trembling before I return ruler of the universe." "This may be my last attempt to reach you though I've been trying desperately for hours." "It works." "It's Alfred." "ALFRED"." "The Joker's about to put Batgirl into orbit from the abandoned launching pad factory on Flying Circus Hill." "Are you talking to that handkerchief?" "No, just dabbing my eyes." "Stronger men than I have wept at moments like this." "Aw." "And then he's about to launch his own flying saucer." " Holy known unknown flying objects." "What?" "Holy known unknown flying objects." "Robin, alert the Batcopter port to ready the Batcopter." "While I tell Commissioner Gordon that communications have been reestablished." "Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five four, three, two, one." "Blastoff." "Ah!" "The fuse has gone out." "That's right, Joker." "It's out." "The automatic fuse extinguisher in my Batgirl utility belt will forever keep you from putting me into orbit." "Oh, untie her." "We'll take her with us in the flying saucer." "And the mad scientist too." "While I push the button that opens the roof of this launching pad factory." "I don't understand your language too well, sir but I assume you're trying to tell me the flying saucer is over Petronoviskoff." "Oh." "Oh, was over Petronoviskoff three seconds ago." "Well, thank you, sir, for calling." "That was the first minister of the presidium." "Barbara." " What?" "What?" "I said, Barbara." "My daughter." "I wonder what's happened to her in all this excitement." "NARRATOR"." "And well might Commissioner Gordon wonder what's happened to his daughter." "Oh." "Look, right over there." "Just a few billion miles." "Saturn." "How did you get mixed up in a thing like this, Alfred?" "My job as millionaire Bruce Wayne's butler sometimes calls for extracurricular duties." "But, uh, this is going too far." "Activate the Supersonic Decelerating Contra-Rotating Turbines, Verdigris." "We're getting a little too close to the sun." "NARRATOR"." "While back on Earth..." "Well, now we've seen New Auckland." "Heh." "Invert the compression radial ratio." "Energize the tandem ailerons, Verdigris, while I turn up this interplanetary Microphone." "In 46 and three-eighth seconds, we'll be over Gotham City where I will ultimate my ultimatum." "Mi, mi!" "Yes." "Ha, ha." "Whoo!" "It sure beats walking." " Any sightings?" "None, but if Alfred's on that flying saucer maybe we can reach him on our Intercosmic Two-Way Thermophone." "I hear you, sir." "Head straight for Flying Circus Hill." "Flying Circus Hill?" "We're just entering the substratosphere over Gotham City." "I managed to put some homing beryl into the beryllium this flying saucer is made of." " It should to head straight back" "Are you talking to your handkerchief again?" "Hmm?" "Ah, heh." "Just clearing my head." "Altitude, you know." "Oh." "Heh." "Good old Alfred." "Yes, I'll head for Flying Circus Hill." "You alert Commissioner Gordon." "Ha-ha-ha!" "It's time for my ultimate ultimatum." "Hear this." "Now hear this." "All citizens of Gotham City and the world this is the Joker speaking to you from outer space." "From inner outer space." "Yes, advising you to" "What's the matter, Verdigris?" "We've passed the city." "We're headed right back to Flying Circus Hill and the abandoned launching pad factory." "Oh." "Depress the Aerothermo Turret Resojets." "Accelerate the Isothermal Oxyacetylene Vaporometers." " Huh?" "Step on the gas!" "This, uh, thingamajig is stuck here." "But we're headed right back where we started." "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Well, at least it was a soft landing, poopsie." "Yes, but on the wrong planet." "I wanted to rule the world from Mars." "I liked the looks of that place." "Yes, I think you'd be more comfortable there at the moment, Joker." "All right, boys, round them up." " It looks like you've flown your last saucer." "But I came close, Batman." "I came close." "Close doesn't count." "You'll come much closer to washing tin saucers up at Warden Crichton's cosmic calaboose, Joker." "Let's go." "Barbara, where have you been?" "Looking all over for you, Daddy." "Bonnie said I might find you in here." "I took an unexpected little trip, and, uh, I didn't have time to let you know." "Well, at least the Joker's Martian invasion has been grounded." "For five to 10 years, I would imagine." "Yes, commissioner?" "Spiffany's Jewelry Store?" "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "What do these window-shoppers look like?" "NARRATOR"." "What do they look like?" "Who could possibly describe Dr. Cassandra and her husband Cabala eyeing the priceless Mope Diamond hungrily and then disappearing?" "No wonder all of Gotham City is startled as you are bound to be in our next episode."