"That's Lobstertainment" "So I says, "Super Collider?" "I just met her. "" "And then they built the Super Collider." "Thank you." "You've been great." "[clapping ]" "Humorbot 5.0, ladies and gentlemen." "Our next standup's a veteran of four comedy traffic schools." "Give it way up for Bobcat Zoidberg!" "FRY:" "All right!" "Yeah!" "All right!" "Earth." "What a planet." "On Earth, you enjoy eating a tasty clam." "On my planet, clams enjoy eating a tasty you!" "Maybe I'm not loud enough." "On Earth, everybody is looking for a squid!" "On my planet" "Reload." "So these three parasitic worms bore into a human's head." "[groaning ]" "And they walk up to the bar and then" " Uh-oh." "Wait!" "Stop!" "I've got more!" "Aw." "My whole life I worked on that act." "And they hated it." "You're a crazy lobster doctor!" "You shouldn't be a comedian!" "But comedy is in my valves." "My Uncle Harold was a big star back in the era of silent holograms." "Your uncle was Harold Zoid?" "This I cannot deny." "Why, I've been a fan since back when my hips were made of bone!" "As it happens, I still have some of my original 78s." "He's a lot funnier than you could ever be." "Maybe, but perhaps if I wrote him and asked for a few hundred pointers... ." "This letter has to be very personal, so I'm writing it in my own ink." "[SQUELCHlNG ]" "ZOlDBERG: "Dear Uncle Zoid, Greetings from your nephew." "Norm and Sam and Sadie's boy?" "Remember?" "Now I'm the most important doctor at the company where I work." "But my life is bereft of laughter. "" ""l beg of you, Mr. Funny Uncle." "Teach me the comedy business." "Sincerely, Zoidberg. "" "Isn't that nice?" "What's that scribble-di-gook?" "lt's a letter from my rich nephew..." "... whojustmightbemyticketout of this flophouse, he might." "[GROANS]" "Yeah, you'd better run!" "[SQUELCHlNG ]" ""Dear Rich Doctor Nephew, I can help you be funny." "The first funny thing you must do..." "... isputyourmoneyincheck form and come to Hollywood. "" ""Sincerely, Harold Zoid." "P.S. : cashier's check. "" "Did you hear that?" "I'm going to Hollywood!" "WOMAN:" "Welcome to Hollywood!" "I must warn you..." "... there'snorefundifyouget discovered and leave the tour." "I'm kidding." "That never happens." "Now, to your right, you'll see 30th Century Fox Studios." "Fox uses searchlights to blind pilots..." "... thenfilm the resulting plane crashes." "Neat!" "Ahead..." "... you'llseethehomeofMelGibson , star of the hit film Bravehead." "Do we have any fans of Calculon..." "... staroftherobotsoap  All My Circuits?" "I am!" "Me!" "Bender is!" "Then you'll want to get a close look at his Bel Air home." "Yes, I will." "Are you my hot-water heater?" "No." "We met once." "Remember?" "Absolutely not." "Remember I was bugging you a lot?" "You remember, right?" "Look, I'm programmed to be very busy." "Unless you can heat water to 21 2 degrees, I'm not interested." "Have you got an extra GOTO 1 0 line?" "I don't need a Bender." "That was the other guy." "My name's Boiler." "Nice work, Boiler." "Thanks." "And call me Bender." "That's where l'm meeting Uncle Zoid to discuss my dreams." "Next time you see me, don't be surprised if I've eaten." "[SQUEALS]" "Uncle Zoid!" "You look young enough to be thrown back." "Rich nephew!" "Come over here and give your uncle a nice, big meal." "So, here we are." "A still-famous film comedian... ." "And a rich, respected doctor with surviving patients." "Eating in a restaurant, as we both often do." "So, you want to be a comedian, is it?" "lt's my lifelong dream." "That dream dies now!" "You're unfunny and untalented!" "That's why you're perfect for drama!" "Hm." "Serious drama?" "Perhaps it is time to give up comedy." "I'm putting together a big drama picture as we speak." "The script is dynamite!" "I know because I wrote it myself." "By directing and starring..." "... I'llbebackontop after 50 miserable years..." "... offame." "Ah, fame." "Where do I come in?" "This film has a juicy part for you..." "... ifyoucompletelyfinanceit with your money." "So, are you in?" "Uh, okay." "How much do I have to invest?" "Not much." "Not much." "A million dollars." "Then it's settled." "Another big Hollywood deal!" "What can I get you?" "ls bread free?" "Yeah." "We'll split an order." "What's with Monstro?" "He promised his uncle a million bucks." "I've been here a day, and already I'm a Hollywood phony." "Perhaps I could call on TV's Calculon to help..." "... nowthatI'minshow biz." "Since when have you been in the biz?" "Long enough, little man." "Long enough." "I would be remiss if I didn't bring you scripts..." "... thatcanmakeyou  an international film star." "Tell me about the project." "lt's a movie." "Interesting." "Tell me more." "Get this." "For a scant $ 1 million investment..." "... youcanbe thestar." "And?" "And it'll win you an Oscar." "CALCULON:" "An Oscar, you say?" "That would get me out of television once and for all." "Let me see the script." "No." "No, I don't like the font." "Wait!" "Harold Zoid?" "Was this written by the Harold Zoid?" "Written and xeroxed." "Good heavens." "A chance to work with the legendary Harold Zoid!" "He's one of my idols!" "You can guarantee me the Oscar?" "l can guarantee anything." "Then I'll do it!" "Hooray!" "Here's your checkbook!" "[hammering ]" "Ladies and gentlemen, our director..." "... thelegendaryHaroldZoid!" "Thank you." "A more classic movie plot there isn't." "A son doesn't want to follow in his father's business." "And that business is being president of Earth." "The son is vice president." "That makes sense." "Wink, wink." "You said, "Wink, wink. "" "No, I didn't." "Raise middle finger." "[BEEPlNG ]" "Now, remember, I can't stress this enough, this is a talkie." "So I want the full gamut of emotions from every actor in every scene." "The Magnificent Three." "Scene one, take one." "And action!" "Take back your gilded pen, Father." "Signing bills into law was always your dream, not mine." "Cut!" "Cut it!" "I said this is a talkie!" "You've got to emote more!" "And you extras?" "Wave your arms!" "What is this, a morgue?" "The Magnificent Three." "Scene 1 0, take 95." "Action!" "And I mean circus-grade action." "Sir?" "I call upon you, not as a president..." "... butasafather!" "Cut!" "Cut it!" "Would you show a little emotion?" "People, please." "Just because it's a dramatic scene..." "... doesn'tmeanyoucan 't do a little comedy." "Throw a pie, for God's sake!" "No!" "Cut!" "Cut it!" "Look, it's all right, kid." "We'll get it in editing." "That's a wrap!" "I'm gonna see you at the premiere!" "Which is... ?" "Editing is a long and expensive process." "We spent all the money on pies, so it'll be ready Friday." "Nice turnout." "That Oscar's practically on your mantel." "I just pray they like me half as much as I do." "I agreed to be your vice president!" "But I never agreed to be your son!" "Thank you, Lieutenant Smith." "Good morning, Mr. Vice President." "We're missing it!" "My life's goal is to attend a Hollywood shindig." "Pay the valet the 2 bucks." "No!" "It's the principle of the thing." "I see a parking lot ahead." "[screaming ] I have asked you to join me on the White House roof..." "... sowecouldhave a heart-to-heart talk." "I'll never follow in your footsteps!" "Here is my resignation as vice president!" "No!" "My son will not shame me like this!" "I would sooner die, I would!" "Father!" "The ledge!" "[crashing ]" "Oh... ." "The president is dead." "Congratulations, Mr. President!" "No!" "BENDER:" "He's a visionary!" "Everyone walked out." "They hated it." "Plagues have had better opening nights." "You said the Oscar was practically mine!" "That's why I used the qualifier "practically. "" "You listen to me." "I'm out a million bucks!" "Get me that Oscar, or you're dead!" "You and these sniveling lobsters!" "Dead, you hear me?" "Dead!" "Oy!" "Now he emotes." "Four hundred categories and not a single nomination for me." "But you won this Golden Globe!" "That's the Emmy of movie awards!" "l want an Oscar!" "Then maybe you should act better." "It's not about acting..." "... it'saboutearningthe respect of the creative community!" "We could rig the awards." "That's fine!" "[engine REVS] lt's no use." "The tar is too thick." "Plus, I think I flooded it." "Well, we're gonna die." "We might as well enjoy the sights." "Oh, my God!" "Sylvester Stallone!" "This is where you live?" "I thought you were a movie star." "No, I'm not." "I'm an even bigger liar than you!" "My career went down the day they invented Smell-A-Vision." "Calculon's gonna kill us." "It's all everybody else's fault!" "All I wanted was for people to think of me one last time before I die." "What are you talking about?" "Everybody remembers Harold Zoid." "As a pathetic has-been and forgotten relic, they remember me!" "It's better to die now." "No!" "This is one death I won't be responsible for." "Zoidberg away!" "Hi. I'm Joan Rivers' head." "I've had so many face-lifts, they finally lifted it right off my body!" "It's true!" "It's true!" "Oh, oh, oh." "Here comes Jack Nicholson's DNA, reconstituted in a gorilla body!" "Catering." "Oh, oh." "Ugh." "Here's washed-up actor what's-his-name, Harold Zoid." "Are you presenting one of the awards or getting one?" "I'm a seat filler." "My only marketable skill is to occupy space." "The second I don't win that award, you're cat food." "Right, Boxy?" "[BEEPS]" "ANNOUNCER:" "And now, the host of the 1 07 4th Academy Awards Billy Crystal!" "Now I know how a Pez dispenser feels." "Oh, you like that one, Jack?" "Ooh, ooh, ooh." "All right." "We're already one hour behind." "NlCHOLSON:" "Ooh, ooh, ooh." "Our first award tonight, Best Cinematography." "You want to play tic-tac-toe before we eat our shoes?" "Oh, I knew I'd die at the bottom of a pit." "But a pit full of tar?" "What was that?" "A tar dolphin?" "Or a tar shark?" "It's some kind of hollow tube devoid of human life." "The L.A. subway!" "We can blast our way in and escape!" "All right, but I still feel like having a shoe." "What category is it?" "They're giving out minor awards." "They're up to writing." "That leaves Best Product Placement..." "... andBestActor." "There's no time." "And the nominees for Best Product Placement are:" "SLURM:" "Star Trek:" "The Pepsi Generation." "They Call Me Mr. Pibb." "And Snow White and the 7 Ups." "And now to present the award for Best Actor..." "...a bit player in the flop movie The Magnificent Three..." "...Dr. Zoidberg." "[cheering ]" "[LOUDER cheering ]" "Okay, Boxy." "Keep your prong on the trigger." "And the nominees for Best Actor are:" "Sir Lawrence Ooooo in The Merchant of Venus." "Hive Mind Gamma Seven X in Bikini Party Summer." "The Soda Machine Robot in Bikini Party Summer." "Mark Jones in How Beige Was My Jacket." "And, instead of the fifth guy, Calculon..." "... forhispowerhouseperformance in The Magnificent Three." "He read the wrong name." "Play along, like with Marisa Tomei." "Hooray!" "I won't be murdered!" "I'll live another day!" "Another day of..." "... pathetic,forgottenmisery." "And the winner is... ." "And the winner, instead of any of the nominees..." "... isthelegendaryHaroldZoid !" "What?" "Thank you!" "Thank you so much!" "Through my ups and downs..." "... Ithoughtthemostimportant thing in life was to win an Oscar." "But tonight I realize what's really important is to win two Oscars!" "Ha!" "Ha!" "I'm kidding." "What matters in life is that people care about you..." "... whetherit'sawholecrowd..." "... orjustonedie-hardfan." "Aw." "Thank you, nephew." "Now I can die happy..." "... 1 0 secondsfromnow , when Calculon kills us." "Harold Zoid!" "Hit the deck!" "Where's that Oscar?" "Here." "Enjoy." "Why are you upset?" "It's less fraudulent for you to have it." "Yes." "Yes, it's a real beauty." "Someday I hope to win one of my own." "Then you're not gonna kill us?" "I respect and admire Harold Zoid too much to beat him to death." "Yeah!" "[rumbling ]" "Earthquake!" "Hit the deck!" "Let the earth quake!" "I've got somebody's Oscar!" "We made it!" "I'm at a Hollywood party!" "l'm sorry." "This is a private" "Oh, pardon me." "I see you're with Mr. Stallone." "Subtitles by flanger" "[english SDH]"