"C'mere, little mouse." "Here, little mousey, wousey." "There's nothing to be afraid of." "We just wanna put you outside." "And then we're going to kill you." "Niles!" "Why are you being so macho?" "It's really unattractive, yet somehow a turn on." "Miss Fine, need I point out to you that the inspectors from the Professional Butlers Association are coming Monday to observe my work and decide whether to accept me as a member." "Oh, really?" "I thought you were joking." "It sounded so ridiculous in a profound and important way." "I happed to come from a long line of butlers, each one a member." "Until my father, who butlered to the Duke of Carlisle, accidentally knocked over a vase." "And for that they kicked him out?" "He was wrestling naked with the Duchess at the time." "Well, to each his own, unless Duchess was a sheepdog." "All right, children, time to go." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "You're not going to the museum in those boots, are you?" "My willies?" "Yes, there's a chance of rain." "There's a chance I'll fall off the chair, but you don't see me wearing a seatbelt." "Your point?" "What happened?" "You're normally so G.Q." "Now suddenly you're the Gordon's fisherman?" "Miss Fine, I did not hire you as my fashion consultant, I hired you to take care of the children." "Well, it's my day off." "I fashion consult on the side." "Your son was just elected class president." "Don't be an embarrassment to him on his first day." "Who are you, Billy Carter?" "Ah, here he is." "Hail to the Chief." "Thank you, thank you." "I am a crook." "I still can't believe you got elected. / Why?" "Well, that means someone had to vote for you." "Now, Maggie, you should be proud of our brother." "He worked very hard on his campaign." "You wrote his speeches, came up with his campaign platform, and organized the school bus tour." " He's my Hillary." "Well, it all paid off." "Aren't you glad I talked you into running?" "Now you're a winner like your old man." "Did I ever tell you I was president at my House of Eaton?" " Yes." "Well, I was." "But this is your victory, and we're all very proud of you." "President Sheffield." "He's a man of vision and a leader amongst men." "Thank you." " Now zip your fly." "So, now we're off to celebrate Brighton's achievement by taking in the German expressionist show at the Met." "There's a fine line between reward and punishment in this house." "I love that Vamouche's painting, "The Scream."" "So, Fran, what are you doing on your day off?" "Well, I'll tell you what I'm not doing." "I am not having lunch with my Uncle Jack and cousin Marsha who are visiting from Boca." "Believe me, an afternoon with Jack and Marsha, well, don't ask." "I don't think I did." " Jack was always trying to one up my mother." "We bought a Skylark, he bought an Eldorado." "We moved to Flushing." "He moved to Florida." "I'm telling you, she could never win." "Oh, yeah." "Once." "She grew a moustache before him." "Go, go, have a good time." " All right, everybody." "Oh, has Mister Sheffield gone?" " Yeah, they just left." "And boy, could they talk your ear off." "That's too bad." "Lauren Bacall just sent over some beluga caviar." "Oh, caviar..." "For Mister Sheffield." "Oh yeah, of course." "You make the toast, I'll write the thank you." "Come here, little fishes." "Come to mama." "Oh, hi, Ma." "Hi, darling." "What are you doing here?" "I gotta tell you about my lunch with Jack and Marsha." "Oh, and I was having such a nice day." "So we're sitting, we're eating." "And as usual, Jack is going on and on about Marsha." "Marsha and her doctor husband." " Yeah." "Marsha and her four karat solitaire." "Marsha and her beachfront property right next to Dan Marino." "Who the hell is Dan Marino?" " How the hell should I know?" "Anyway, I was just about to scream when they asked me about you." "So I told them that you eloped with a rich Broadway producer, and you're living in a palace on the upper eastside." "Oh, Ma, what's the matter with you?" " What?" "You left out the butler." "Meanwhile, how'd they take the good news?" "Crushed?" "Devastated." " Better." "You should have seen the look on their face." "I would have liked to." " You will." "Oh, no." "No way, Ma." "Where are they?" "Looking for a place to park..." "Oh, good, they found one." "Oh, forget it, Ma." "I'm not doing this." "Fine." "That's your choice." "It's good to have choices." "Not that I had a choice when I was in labor with you for ten hours with that big head." "Sorry." "It won't happen again." "Darling, do it for me." "It'll shut Jack up once and for all." "Oh, Ma, is it really so important to you that I have to pretend to be something I'm not?" "Would you?" " No." "Hi." " You caught a husband." "Thank God you're not an old maid anymore." "Welcome to my home." "Huh?" "Jack?" "Hun?" "Is this a palace?" "She's living like Seigfried and Roy." "Not bad." "How many square feet?" "Oh, we don't get into all that." "As long as we're comfortable, that's all that matters." "Your place is what, darling?" " Thirty-eight hundred." "Ours is thirty-eight thousand." "The upstairs is enormous." "I'd put out a spread, but the butler is off today." "¡®The butler', Jack." " Yeah, I heard, Syl." "So, this has just been fabulous, but you know, if you guys missed your flight, I'd just never forgive myself." "Fran, you don't think we'd go home before we met the lucky man." "You mean you wanna meet Mister Sheffield?" "You call your husband Mister Sheffield?" "Oh, well, that's just a pet name." "You know, Sheff, Sheffie." "Chef-boy-r-dee." "Ma, stay out of my private life." "Anyway, unfortunately, Maxwell is at a rehearsal." "He's rehearsing "Sunday In The Park With George", so he won't be home till Monday." "Ma, is there oxygen on your planet?" "Aunt Sylvia, you are such a kidder." "We'll wait." "You mean, you're just gonna stay here until he comes home?" "We got full fare tickets." "No restrictions." "We can stay forever." "I'm just going to run down to the bank." "Honey, you're home!" " Beg your pardon?" "Rehearsal went quick, huh?" "These are my relatives from Boca." "Oh..." "Oh, Sheffie, stop it." "He is so naughty." "You're Mister Sheffield, I'm your wife, and we're deliriously happy." "This is a big favor you're asking." "So is keeping my mouth shut about the crack in the Ming vase." "Maxwell Sheffield, producer." "Jack Norman, realtor." " How do you do?" "I'm Marsha." "So nice to meet you." " Likewise." "And you are?" "Your mother-in-law." " Oh right, of course." "I was drunk at the wedding." "Hiya, Mummsey." "So, Max..." "Max?" "!" " Oh, that's me." "I take it business is very good." " Oh yes, too good." "Yes, I, I curse every moment I'm away from my beautiful bride." "Oh, Sheff..." "Of course, I hobnob with the rich and famous, but the only time I'm truly happy is when I'm with her." "She's my center, my compass, the light of my life." "Sorry." "Sometimes I just get swept up in the magic that is Fran." "Well, who could blame you?" "So, where are your kids?" "I wanna meet your kids." "Or, should I say, 'his kids.' 'Cause you know, they're not the fruit of your womb." "Yeah, that's why this womb could still wear a bikini." "Unfortunately, the children, who adore my sweet Fran, went to the museum." "They're very cultured." "They're off by themselves?" "In this city?" "Marsha, please, what kind of mother do you think I am?" "They're with..." "Who are they with?" "Niles the butler." " I thought it was his day off?" "It is." "But it's..." "What do they call it again?" "I can't wait to hear." "Oh, Butler Day at the museum." " Butler Day?" "Sure." "Bring a butler, get a free beverage." "Oh, please, babe, you always get the door." "Let me wait on you for a change." "Oh..." "Who are you?" "Sorry to disturb you, ma'am." "We're from the Professional Butlers Association." "We're here to observe Niles." "May we come in?" " In here?" "Now?" "Oy." "I thought you guys weren't supposed to be here until Monday?" "Well, it's our policy to show up early to catch the perspective member unaware." "But unfortunately, Niles isn't here." "Is he, darling." "No, darling, I'm afraid Niles is out." "Well, you all come back and see us, you hear." "Actually, darling, that might not be good." "If they come back to observe Niles, they might confuse him with someone else." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, what the hell, come in." "We'll tell you everything you need to know about Niles." "I take it, sir, you are the master of the house. / Apparently." "These guys are from the Butlers Association, and they wanna talk to me and him, Max, about our butler, Niles." "Who isn't here." "Ma, you got a Rolaids." "Are you fellas also butlers?" " Yes, we are." "Well, I'm surprised you're not at the museum." "You're not gonna believe this, they closed the museum because of a bomb threat." "What kind of world are we living in?" "Here." "And who is this person?" "That would be Niles, the butler." "I leave this house for just twenty minutes, and I come back to some bizarre parallel universe." "You're me, I'm you, and you're married to her." "He could do worse." " And I have." "Please, sir, I would be the last to coerce you but..." " Coerce, coerce." "...I would point out that if Miss Fine's relations see through our little charade, they'll never let her forget it, or her poor mother." "And if you don't do this for Niles, he'll never get into the Butlers Association, and his family name will be mud forever." "By the way, Niles, what is your family name?" "It's just Niles." "Like Cher." "The important thing is your employees are bonding." "It's a beautiful thing." "Yes." "Perhaps you'll get your next job together." "Father, I think we should go along with it." "Fran and Niles do so much for us, it's the least we can do for them." "Oh how sweet." " And I get to boss Daddy around." "It's, it's absurd." "I'm not doing it, and that's final." "Speaking as an elected official, what we have here is domestic gridlock." "A failure of the executive branch and the house to work together." "I still can't believe someone voted for you." "No, no, Brighton's thinking is good." "His point being that what we need here is a compromise." "Meaning I do what you want and compromise my integrity." "That's democracy in action." "All in favor?" " Aye!" "Look, if you can pull off this charade, fine." "But I'll have no part of it, and neither will the children." "So what you're saying is, we have no rights." "None whatsoever." " Just checking." "I am so parched." "You got something to drink?" "Niles. / Sorry." "You got something to drink, Niles?" "Uh, where's he going?" "I believe somebody asked for a drink." "There are drinks in the kitchen." "Please help yourselves." "Such insolence." "How can you put up with it?" "Well, we've been together for many years." "Many, many years." "It's a question of loyalty." " And friendship." "You can't really blame the butler." "After all, the help reflects the hostess and, let's face it, poor Frannie here is in way over her head." "Will that be crushed ice or cubes, sir?" "All right, Dad...e-o, my butler, with whom I have a cool kind of hep-cat, kind of beatnik kind of..." "Shut up, Brighton. / Thank you." "I apologize for the momentarily lapse." "The bomb scare must have rattled my nerves." "Yeah, he's been a wreck ever since all that unpleasantness in the Falklands." "Oh you saw action, too." "What ship were you on?" "The other one." "Oh, Niles, the butler?" "Yes, Grace?" "I love this." "While you're at it, how 'bout some ice cream?" "Will there be anything else?" " Can I have a soda?" "We can have anything we want." "He's Niles, the butler." "Oh, Niles, do you know what I'm thinking?" " What, Brighton?" "That's Master Brighton." "I'll be having my ice cream in the soda, and a round of Oreos for my friends." "I don't thing your father would approve of all these sweets in the middle of the day." "Well, that's not really your call, is it, Niles, old man?" "Can we, Daddy?" "********" "************** / She never says that to m." "That' 'cause you're Niles the butler." " Brilliant." "And a fabulous butler he is." " We'll be the judge of that." "No pressure." "Are these darling children or what?" " Gorgeous." "We're very proud of Brighton." "He was just elected president of his class." "Aw shucks, Mommy, there you go again." "How impressive." "You should see my Libby." "Here she is at the Equestrian Center." "Oh, beautiful smile." "That's Lightning." "That's Libby." "Oh look, she's got your nose." "The old one." "Oh, Niles, back again so soon?" "Speedy service as always." "Well, thank you, sir." "All part of being a good butler." "Oh..." "Oh, he is just a master at physical comedy." "Enough, Niles, you're killing me." "Would you like me to get it?" "No." "I'm the butler." "I'll get it." "What now?" "It's probably for you." "Everyone I know is here." "Hey, Brighton. / Kevin, hi." "What are you doing here?" "I came here to invite you to the inaugural party. / Great." "Thanks." "Bye." "Hear that, Marsha?" "They're throwing a party for the president." "Yeah, Brighton, and I wanted you to be there even though I slaughtered you." "What?" "Brighton, what's going on here?" "Forget it, it's nothing." "It's just..." " No, no, no." "I, I wanna know what this is all about." "This butler is a real budinsky." "I lost the election, okay?" " You lost?" "Brighton?" "I knew no one would vote for him." "Brighton, I, I just don't understand." "I mean, why would you say you won if you lost?" "It seemed really important to you." "Maybe it was all that talk about you being president at Eaton." "I just mentioned it in passing, about fifteen or twenty times." "I just wanted you to think I was a winner." "Like you." "Angel, nobody wins all the time." "For every hit your father has, he's had a ton of flops." "Am I right?" "Well, I suppose..." " How many flops have you had?" "Well, I really couldn't say." " Well, a ball park." "How many flops?" "I think he's got the point." "You know what I'm getting at, angel?" " Yeah, we're all a bunch of losers." "No." "Nobody's a loser." "Except my cousin Ira, but that's another story." "You're a good man, Brighton." "Whatever happens, you can always tell me the truth." "Really?" " Well, of course." "I mean, what kind of parent would want his child to pretend he's something he's not?" "My mother." "Excuse me." "Oh, sure." "They got their own Lear jet." "They flew me to Pennsylvania for a Hershey." "Well, I'm lucky if she drives me to the dog track." "Okay, Ma, enough with the charade." "Eighty-six it." "I got them eating out of my hand." "Give it up, Ma, it's over." "God, you were just like this with Perot." "From now on, we're telling the truth." "I'm not married." "This is not my house, and I'm the nanny here." "And I work for Mister Sheffield." "You're a nanny?" "Did you hear this, Daddy?" "She's just a nanny." "Who asked you anyway, you big green cow?" "Maggie." " What?" "It's turquoise." "And if I may speak as just the butler, I was here before Miss Fine's arrival, and I can tell you she has made this house more... chaotic, more contentious, definitely louder." "Now she and Mister Sheffield may not always se eye to eye, but at the risk of overstepping, I don't think I've seen him or the children this happy for a very long time." "Oh, thank you, Mister..." "Niles." "That was a very moving speech." " And totally inappropriate." "I'll decide what's inappropriate in my home." "I like a bit of sentiment among the servants." "Did you hear that, Daddy?" "Servant." "Yeah." "That must really hurt, Syl." "Oh, shut-up, Jack." "At least she's got a job." "I wouldn't trade my Fran for all the Marshas in Miami." "Now go get the car, I'll meet you out front." "It's not turquoise, it's emerald." "This has been a most unusual visit." "But despite the charade being played all around you, you managed to maintain your dignity." "Niles, we'd like to welcome you to the Professional Butlers Association." "Well, I don't know what to say." "I'm really rather touched." "Oh, I'll get it." "Good afternoon, all. / Oy." "I just had a fabulous conversation with our investors and I think I secured the Saint James Theatre for January." "That's wonderful!" "Did you hear that, Mister Sheffield?" "Yes, I heard and I'm very excited." "Niles?" "Maxwell?" "What's going on around here?" "He's Niles." " He's Mister Sheffield." "Who are they?" "We're from the Professional Butlers Association." "And it seems we've been duped." "Hold it a second, boys." "I'd like to know when the last time you've seen a boss go to such lengths for his butler, and make such a complete and utter fool of himself?" "Not that you weren't adorable." "The nanny has a point." " Yes." "And we do need the dues..." "You're in." " Oh!" "We'll show ourselves out." " We're butlers." "We know where the door is." "Oh, I feel totally cleansed." "Everything is out in the open." "No more secrets." "Incidentally, Max, I ran into Lauren Bacall at the theater and she wanted to know if you got the caviar she sent."