"Mark Gungor How to Stay Married and Not Kill Anybody 1/2" "I like you people!" "Alright, final session!" "How to stay married, (and not KILL your Spouse)" "Alright?" "We're gonna take a look at what it takes to do that..." "But before we do I wanna take you to heaven I`ll put you on the committee." "And we're gonna go back 4000 years in time to the time of king David." "Now king David had five wives." "Why any man would do that to himself is beyond understanding." "But he had 5 of them." "And now we need to decide on our committee which one of these women is going to be the mother of the next king of Israel." "He's gonna be king Solomon, the wisest man that ever lived, this was during Solomon era, this was during Israel's golden age, it was the best time that Israel ever had." "It was glorious, you talk about the run-on at the stock market, I mean prosperity, no wars, it was fantastic." "'Cause this king was so incredible." "Who was gonna be the mama of this king and then become the great-great-great-grandmother of the Lord Jesus Christ himself?" "Kind of important decision, right?" "Now, ladies you would think wife No.1, right?" "She should have dibs." "She was there first." "But we know it wasn't her." "Because, David got mad at her and quit having sex with her." "Which is easy to do if you have four more in the wings." "And you probably want to discount wife No.5. You remeber her?" "Batsheba..." "The only reason she's there is because of lust, lying, adultery and murder." "King David saw her taking a bath, you see what lust will do you." "So he saw her taking a bath, seduced her, had sex with her, got her pregnant, then murdered her husband to hide the whole thing and married her." "There's nothing holy about this, there is nothing right about this, God never intended for that woman to be in the house." "Alright, so how would you decide?" "You think about that and then we'll come back to that." "OK, so how to stay married and not kill anybody." "Step 1:" ""You've got to avoid bitterness and resentment."" "Now, bitterness and resentment can build when one person feels they're unfairly bearing the burden of the relationship." "When the way of the relationship falls more on their shoulder than the other one shoulder." "Then they will start to feel very bitter and resentful towards their spouse." "Now, how men and women keep score is very different from each other to determine who's carrying the most amount of weight." "Now, what I'm about to share with you." "You know, people ask me a lot..." ""Where did you learn all this stuff?" "What are your different influences?"" "And, you know, 32 years of marriage that's one influence, you know..." "But a lot of different people and listening to stuff and I hear ideas and I take them and change them and stuff, this particular." "One of the guys that had probably a huge impact in my life about relationships was John Gray." "And I think the guy is absolutely brilliant." "I'm a lot funnier than he is, but he is brilliant, alright?" "And this section, this is Gray to the T, OK?" "I just admit it right upfront, but the reason I share this is because his insights on how men and women keep score is absolutely briliant." "It truly is." "You see, men, when it comes to us, keep the score, we're quick to give ourselves huge bonus points for everything we do." "You know, we crawl out of bed when we'd rather stay in and just for that we give ourselves 500 points." "And then we go to work, we put up with all that stuff at work, we earn the paycheck and we give ourselves, you know, 2000 points for that." "We come home without chasing' other women and we give ourselves huge points for that, you know, so we walk in a door and it's like 4500." "And that is why a lot of men have no problem sitting on the couch and now contributing nothing." "Because in his mind he's way up in points for the day and now he's giving you a chance to catch up." "I didn't say it was right!" "Don't get mad at me, I'm just saying this is the way his brain ticks." "And a lot of guys will actually start feeling very bitter towards their wives if they feel their wives are tryin' to make them do stuff." "Because in his male psyche he's way up in points for the day." "He shouldn't have to do anything else." "Now the problem here is that women keep score a little differently." "Let me show you how a woman would score the same man's day." "He gets out of bed when he'd rather stay in and for that she loves and appreciates him and gives him" ""Ding!" one point." "And then he goes to work, and he earns the big paycheck and does all the stuff and she goes: "Ah, I love that!"" "and she goes "Ding!" one point." "And then he comes home without chasing other women and he comes home and she's so glad to see him:" ""Ding!" one point." "So you walk in, you've got three!" "Oh, she also got up, she also went to work, she also cleaned the toilet, she also took the kids to piano lesson, she also... and it's 13 : 3." "And you do not wanna do anything?" "And now she starts screaming at her husband." "Which in a way is a good thing 'cause in the silent ones, who really do kill people." "When it gets quiet around your house, I'd got nervous if I were you." "So..." "She starts getting very very angry." "Now, when guys first hear about this, they get very discouraged." ""Wait a minute..." "You mean to tell me that no matter what I do, I get one lousy stinking' point?"" "Well, the answer is:" ""Yes!"" "But the good news is, you can make this work for you." "Because what men fail to realize is that women respond to virtually any simple act of kindness." "And reward it the same way as they would a big act of kindness." "Right?" "And guys don't understand this thing." "They think it's gotta be big." "It's gotta be special." "Girls, you have to understand, the reason why we don't do a lot of small things around the house is 'cause to a man it doesn't mean anything." "It's not that we hate you." "We just couldn't possibly care less." "It means nothing, because it means nothing to us, we think it should mean nothing to you, but, guys, you can't make that mistake:" "She scores very differently from you." "Simple acts of kindness." "Like I told you last night, it's those simple acts of kindness that got her to fall in love with you, in the first place." "It is relatively easy to get a woman to fall in love you." "If she'll pay attention to you in the first place." "That's the hard part." "You cross that hurdle, you've got it made." "As long as you pay attention." "Simple acts of kindness." "You do that, you can keep a woman crazy in love with you for your entire life." "Simple acts of kindness!" "Every time you do a simple act of kindness." ""Ding!" "Ding!" "Ding!"" "But guys we don't think that way." "For it's gotta be big, it's gotta be important." "And for a lot of guys that'll only go all out for their wives, you know, about four times a year." "Their birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and the obligatory Valentine's Day." "And we think:" "We'll do something real special, real fancy." "And we think:" ""That will hold her."" "But that doesn't hold her." "To her you've done four things all year, you're a bum." "Now guys, you're going to get discouraged for cryin' out... give me the..." "I can't believe it..." "But listen, you can make this work for you." "This is great." "I'm about to show you, how you can succeed with a woman while doing virtually nothing!" "Alright?" "I thought I'd get an applause out of that." "I don't know..." "I don't like the sound of this." "Now..." "Here's an example:" "You get up in the morning, your wife's brushing her teeth, you're standing next to the bed..." "Make the bed!" "It takes a 120 seconds of your life." "It's nothing." "She'll walk into the room and goes:" ""Ah, you made the bed!"" ""Ding!"" "You know that monument that you're bulding in the middle of your bedroom of old underwear?" "Pick it up!" "Throw it in the hamper!" "She'll walk in..." ""He picked up his underwear!"" ""Ding!"" "When you're done eating dinner instead of just slugging off in front of the TV like Jabba the Hutt," "clear off the table!" "It's 60 - 90 seconds of your life." "It's nothing!" "She'll go:" ""He cleared off the table!"" ""Ding!"" "And now you're scoring." "But you see, guys don't get that." "Gray uses this great analogy." "He says:" ""If you bring a woman a rose, she will go: 'Ah!" "'"" ""Ding!"" "And then men, we think:" ""Wait a minute, one rose - one point..."" ""A dozen roses - 12 points."" "So we run out and we spend, you know, 80-90 bucks for a dozen longstemmed roses and we bring 'em to her and she goes:" ""Haah!" "Thank you!"" ""Ding!"" "In fact, by the raising of your hand, how many women would say:" ""I would rather receive a single rose twelve different times"" ""than a dozen roses once", let me see your hands." "You know, a guy looks and then goes:" ""So inefficient!"" "You want make out like a bandit on this deal?" "Plan something special for your wife, like takin' her out to dinner next Friday night." "A nice restaurant, go ahead and get a baby-sitter in advance, get everything all-set." "But then, tell her what you've done!" "A lot of guys will think:" ""Ooh, I'll surprise her."" "No, no, no, you amateur!" "Surprise her!" "Never try to surprise a woman!" "So, so..." "What you do is you tell her in advance!" "The minute you tell her:" ""Honey, guess what..."" ""...next Friday night we're going to such and such... "" ""I`ve got some nice reservations, I already got a baby-sitter, we're gonna have a great time."" "The minute you tell her what you're going to do..." ""Ding!"" "You just got a point, you haven't done it yet." "Alright?" "Then, because she's a woman, she's going to tell all the other women in her life about what you've planned." "And every time she shares with another girl:" ""You know what my Bob's got planned?"" ""He's going next Friday night, he's got reservations and such and such..."" ""...and he's already got a baby-sitter, it's so exciting..."" "Every time she shares that story:" ""Ding!"" "You get another point!" "And now you are literally doing nothing!" "And the beauty of that system is every time you're earning a point, the husband of the other wife, that poor slob, is losing one." "It's just kind of like a double coupon thing going for you." "But you really want to make out like a bandit?" "Engage your wife in meaningful conversation." "Now, to a lot of women, meaningful conversation means she talks, you shut up and listen." "But you can't just drift off into your nothing box." "You have to let her know that you're hearing her." "Every time you acknowledge that you've heard her: "Ding!"" "So she will go:" "You go:" ""You don't say!"" ""Ding!"" ""You mean:" "Loopty dooo?"" ""Ding!"" ""Really?" "Well, how did that make you feel?" ""Ding!" "Ding!" "Ding!" "Ding!" "Ding!"" "And you're doing nothing!" "Now, guys!" "Girls, sorry :)" "Now, girls!" "You can't forget that he gives himself huge bonus points for everything he does." "So how can a woman earn huge bonus points with a man?" "So, sex is a great way to earn great bonus points with a man." "But there's another way." "And that is when you believe in him!" "Every man wants his wife to believe in him!" "Now, that sounds like a simple thing to do, especially to you, young girls, who haven't been married very long." "But that's 'cause you haven't heard the incredible stupid ideas he's gonna come up with yet." "And a lot of women, they feel it as their God-given responsibility to tryin' keep their husbands humble or something." "So he'll come up with this idea and they respond:" ""That's stupid." "Oh, you..." "That'll never work." "You could never do that."" "And don't realize, when you talk to a man like that, you're doing incredible damage to him." "And to your relationship with him." "Men, if you have not forgotten this out yet..." "Men have very very fragile egos." "We just do." "We might look like tough guys on the outside, but we're girly men on the inside." "Because we can't handle that kind of rejection, all that kind of stuff and criticism, most men don't handle very well." "And when women treat their husbands that way when he tries to share his dreams with you and you dismiss them as stupid and ignorant and he can't do that." "That's very very very damaging." "Now, that's not to say you can't challenge his ideas, you know, keep him from destroying himself and the family." "That's OK!" "But you need to be his No.1 fan." "I'll tell you what happens, when you do that, you know what he learns?" ""I cannot share my dreams with this woman."" "And men will stop telling their wives their dreams." "If your husband never tells you his dreams, you guys might need to have a serious talk." "And the reason he's not telling you is probably because you have given that kind of reactions to him." "And it's very damaging to men." "And now you've got yourself into a really bad place, 'cause almost "miraculously"" "at work there's some bimbo there, who just accidentally hears one of his ideas and goes:" ""Oh, you know, that would be a great idea!"" ""Oh, really?"" ""Oh yeah, you'd be great at that!"" ""Oh, well thank you very much!"" "And now you're in serious trouble." "You need to understand something, girls:" "Most affairs do not begin for sexual reasons, they begin for the emotional ones." "And you need to let that boy know that you are his No.1 fan." "And it's hard for a lot of women." "I'll tell you who really struggles with this," "Women of professional men." "Doctors, lawyers, preachers' wives, a lot of them really struggle with this." "Why?" "'Cause they get so tired of hearing how everybody praise their husbands." ""Oh, you're so great, he's so great, it must be wonderful..."" "I've heard with my own ears a woman, as so as they came in the door, she says:" ""You know, everybody thinks you're so smart, I know what an idiot you are."" "What is she thinking?" "She's doing God's work somehow?" ""Everybody thinks you're great, I just know how stupid you really are."" "Huge damage to the relationships!" "You need to let that boy know you are his No.1 fan." "And, as much as I love it when people come up to me after these seminars and say:" ""Oh, you were great, I loved you," and I do love that 'cause I have an ego the size of Texas, you know." "The one that means the most to me is when that cute redhead (his wife) comes up to me and says:" ""You did a great job today."" "And I know the only reason she says that is 'cause I just said this now." "And I don't care!" "Alright?" "So be careful with the scores." "Now, what do you do..." "What do you do if the scores get so unbalanced that everything is so out of whack?" "Well, then you need to do No.2:" ""You need to learn how to keep the reset button handy."" "Now, when my son Philip was a little boy," "I used to be a video-game addict." "And I loved to play video games and I would play for hours." "And I had the latest greatest whatever boxes and stuff like that." "And he would come up to me:" ""Dad, can I play with you?" "Can I play too?"" "And I'd say: "Sure"." "So I'd give him a controller, and I took the cord, running back, but I wouldn't plug it in." "He was a little boy, he didn't know." ""Oh, that's terrible!" "What would you think about that!"" "He was just a little boy, he was thrilled." "He got to have a controller in his hand." "And we would play for hours, just laughing and giggling and having a great time." "But it did dawn on his brain at some point that something was a miss." "And he said to me one day:" ""Dad!"" "I said: "Yeah?"" "He goes:" ""I think my controller is busted."" ""What makes you say that?"" "He goes:" ""It's not responding."" ""Responding...?"" "I was pretty impressed." "Obviously, he's been listening to us talking." "And I followed." "I said:" ""Oh, it's not plugged it, how did that happen?"" "So we plugged it in and all of sudden it comes alive:" ""Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's it!"" "Be sure enough a little rat could play." "And he's playin', he would have..." "And then I'd let him get way in front" "Then I catch up, and then I let him get way in front... and I catch up..." "We would just do this for hours havin' a great time." "But the problem with this plan was, though, as he eventually got really good." "When I was better than him, I would let him get away ahead." "But when he got better than me, he felt no such compassion for the old man." "And would kill me." "Just kill me." "I don't know, just massacre." "You know, 180,000 : 12." "And I reached over and hit the reset button:" ""Blip!"" "And he said: "Daaad!"" "And I said: "Shut up, keep playin'."" "And he's gettin' a way..." "and then I do it again:" ""Blip!"" ""Dad, cut it out!" "My hand slipped."" "And I love the reset button." "Do you know why I love the reset button?" "Because whenever you push the reset button, everything would go back to the way it was." "Wouldn't it be great if relationships had a reset button?" "Then when things got so crazy and the scores got so unbalanced, when things were so out of whack and all you had to do is to push a button." "And everything would go back to the way it was." "Wouldn't that be great?" "Do you know God has given us just such a button?" "Some years ago I was in Phoenix, actually, Phoenix, Arizona, and this is, you know, the early 70s, when the dinosaurs still ran the Earth." "And as a very young man I was a part of the Revival." "Have you ever been in the Revival meeting?" "You know, they'd have meetings every night." "You never had an ending time." "You just keep goin' until people would quit comin'." "Meetings going sometimes for months on in." "So people kept comin' and asking Christ into their lives." "And it was very very cool." "We had a lot of fun." "During the day we would go and hand out flyers, inviting people and the night we would have these meetings." "Well, my favourite place to go downtown Phoenix was in front of the downtown porno shop." "Because it was hilarious to hand somebody a flyer about Jesus on his way into a porno shop." "'Cause it would just freak him out." "He'd go off: "Thanks" and he'd go off and he'd go:" ""Oh, wait a minute, this isn't J.C.Penney's?" "What am I doing here?"" "He was hilarious!" "I'd keep myself entertained for hours doing that." "You know, we weren't protesting, we were just... handing... "How're you doin'?"" ""Hi!"" "And this was great entertainment." "Well, the guy who owned the porno shop, though, wasn't having' nearly as much fun." "And he was losing tens of thousands of dollars and he thought we were never going to leave because there's no ending on our flyers and we just kept goin' and goin' and goin' and he became very desperate." "And desperate people do desperate things." "And this man hired a professional killer to come to the meeting to shoot the evangelist to get rid of us." "So that after he would killed the evangelist we would all freak out and leave town." "Well, the perfect scenario would've been, the evangelist just always came out at the beginning and welcomed everybody and these things were kinda settling down you could hear just "boom" and the confusion taken off." "With this particular night, forget it." "Evangelist calls us over and says:" ""Hey, you guys, I don't feel so good, something is wrong,"" ""Can you can start without me?"" "And we said: "well, yeah, sure." So we start without him." "So which is really kind of a drag if you're a killer." "Because, you know, Revival meetings don't exactly go with your mojo." "You're tryin' to get the nerve up to shoot somebody, now you're stuck in a Revival." "So now he's gotta play along, right?" "He's gotta fake it!" "So he's singin' along." "And then, we start singing the song:" ""Give me that old time religion..." "it's good enough for me." And we're swingin' in..." "And all of a sudden he stops and:" ""Hold on a minute!"" ""We're gonna sing this next verse, and this verse goes:" ""Makes me love everybody."" "And while we sing "makes me love everybody", I want everybody over here to come over here, hug everybody over here, and goes there hug..." "Hug as many people as you can." "So we start singin' out and this professional killer is being accosted by all kinds of people." ""Hey man, good to see you, God bless you!" "Praise the Lord!"" "He's gettin' more hugs..." "and he hasn't been hugged since he was a baby." "I'm sure his mama probably never hugged him, you know." "And he's like." "And he's gotta fake it, right?" "He's gotta hug everybody." "And than we all set down." "And people got up and started sharing testimonies." "Remember testimony services?" "Now people get up and talk how God changed their lives." "We had some pretty dramatic stories, people who were drug addicts or you know, whatever their deal was." "And how, when they asked Christ into their lives how God totally changed their lives around." "And they got tears in running down their cheeks while smiling at the same time." "Kinda like the weather in Phoenix." "Sunny yet rainy, I don't understand, but..." "And, you know, it was so powerful, he's just listening to all these people..." "Then finally, the evangelist comes out." "And by this time the guy is frozen." "He cannot act." "He's in the state of shock." "And this evangelist starts preaching what all the evangelists preach, the fact that God loves us." "He loved us so much" "He sent Jesus to take our punishment." "Jesus took what He did not deserve, so we can get what we do not deserve." "Which is forgiveness." "And when he got to the end he did one of these Billy Graham things where he said:" ""If you wanna ask Christ in your life, why don't you walk down to the aisle and I'm gonna pray for you."" "About 100-150 people stood up and came down to the front." "And in the midst of this group of people came this professional killer." "And when he got up there he fell on his knees, and he started crying, he says:" ""I can't do it, I can't do it, I just can't do it..."" "And the counselor next to him says:" ""Sure you can!"" ""You can do it." "I want you to know, God wants you to do it!"" "And he goes:" ""No, you don't understand..." And he pulls out the loaded weapon and hands it to him." "And that's how we found out the story of how this guy came to kill somebody, but instead had his life dramatically impacted by the love of God!" "Now, you may not hire a professional killer, at least I hope, you don't." "But the truth is that when somebody hurts us, we want him to pay." "So our version of making him pay is we get bitter and unforgiving." ""I'm not gonna forgive you!"" "The problem is the only one that hurts is the person who doesn't wanna forgive." "Unforgiveness is like taking poison hoping the other guy will die." "And to be truthful with you, I've never understood how so many people have a problem in this area." "Particularly Christians, you know." "If you're not a much of a Church-goer, take a nap for a minute." "But you, Christians, you know." "This is Christianity one on one." "This is its foundation as it gets." "Jesus taught us basically this:" ""If you do not forgive people, God won't forgive you!"" "It's that simple." ""So I don't believe that!"" ""No, you'll get an exception, 'cause you're so cute."" "You're kiddin' yourself." "Forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who tresspass against us." "Forgive us as we forgive." "God will not forgive you if you don't forgive people." "This is not negotiable." "You need to hear it." "But a lot of the people they struggle with that." "They go:" ""Oh, it's so hard!"" "Because you don't understand what forgiveness is." "Forgiveness is an act." "It is not an emotion." "It has nothing to do with your emotions." "You might feel the pain for what that person did to you till the day you die." "It has nothing to do with forgiveness!" "It's not an erasure of your memory!" "You might remember what that person did to you till the day that you die." "And let me ask you a question:" "Do you think God has Alzheimer?" "Do you think He can't remember what you did?" "You think He looks at you and goes:" ""Something about you really ticks me off."" ""Can't remember what it was."" "He throws at us what He calls the sea of this forgetfulness." "He doesn't have Alzheimer." "He just will never bring it up again." "He'll never mention it again." "That's what forgiveness is!" "Forgiveness is this:" "It's what you say:" ""I forgive you!" "I will never use it against you in the future." "And I will never speak of it again to you or to anyone else." "Forgiveness has more to do with your tongue than your head or your heart." "If you're still talking it through, you haven't forgiven." "You need to hush." "You need to let it go." "That's forgiveness." "Alright!" "What you've decided?" "Which lady?" "God steps in and says:" ""Ah, forget it, I've made my decision." I have really what you want." "He says No.5" "Wow!" "Wow!" "Wow!" "Wow!" "Wait a minute!" "God," "You know who this is?" "This is Batsheba." "The only reason this woman is there is because of lust, lie, adultery and murder." "There is nothing holy about it." "There is nothing righteous about it." "It was never in God's plan." "God never intended it." "But Batsheba becomes the mother of Solomon." "And great-great-great-great grandmother of the Lord Jesus Christ himself!" "You can make the argument:" "Had it not been for lust, lying, adultery and murder," "Solomon would have never been born." "You can make the argument:" "Had it not been for lust, lying, adultery and murder, the Lord Jesus would have never been born." ""Oh, well, praise the Lord that happened then!"" "See, it's not making any sense." "I know this was hard even for the writers of the Bible." "If you read Matthew, the first chapter, where there's so and so was the father..." "that whole list?" "He mentions three women by name, but when it comes to her, he doesn't even mention her name." "If you read, it'll say:" ""The wife of Uriah."" "Uriah was the man David killed to get her." "We even don't mention her name." "Why?" "It makes no sense." "It makes no sense!" "How can this possibly be?" "How can the Son of God's lineage depend on a woman who was only there because of lust, lying, adultery and murder." "I'll tell you how." "'Cause God's love is so powerful." "He can take your biggest mistake and turn it into something so beautiful, it won't make sense to anybody!" "That is the power of the reset button." "I want all the couples to stand together." "And if you are not here with husband or wife, if you're not married, you can stay seated." "But if you're here with your husband, I want you to stand up." "I want you to turn to each other." ""But you said we won't gonna do anything emotional."" "It'll be alright." "I'll even tell you what to say." "And all the guys looking at the girls I want you to repeat this:" ""I don't need to repeat it!" Well, then I'll say it for the rest of us poor slobs who do." "Looking at your wife, guys, I want you to say this:" ""Honey, I'm sorry for not always being that kind of husband"" ""I should be to you." "For not giving you the attention you deserve,"" ""for being too caught up in my own world instead of our world,"" ""for demanding too much and not giving enough,"" ""for not loving you like I should."" ""Please forgive me." "With your love, your support, your patience and your prayers"" ""I will strive to be the kind of husband"" ""God wants me to be."" "Now, girls, your turn." "Looking at him I want you to say this:" ""Honey, I'm sorry for not always being"" ""the kind of wife I should be to you."" ""For not always appreciating all that you do,"" ""for not always being the lover I know you need."" ""For not always believing in your hopes and dreams,"" ""for not loving you like I should."" ""Please forgive me." "With your love, your support, your patience and your prayers"" ""I will strive to be the kind of wife God wants me to be."" "I want you to press the reset button." "Wait as it works." "Give her a kiss!" "Hug the girl!" "Hug the girl!" "Hug the girl!" "Does that feel good?" ""I don't understand, he made us laugh and then he made us cry!" "I'm so confused!"" "You can be seated." "I want to thank you guys for being here with us this weekend and sharing this moment with us and we believe that millions-of-people's lives are gonna be impacted by the information that we shared this weekend as this thing is broadcasted on television around the world on DVDs and stuff like that." "There's some powerful information that we've shared this weekend and the whole lot of people may be here." "Just basic simple stuff that can transform lives." "You have been wonderful, you have tolerated our making you move here and there and the other." "And through all the sessions and stuff." "You've been wonderful, I so appreciate you." "God bless all of you!" "Thank you so much!" "Thank you!" "Man, God bless you, guys!"