"(glass breaking)" "(slow elegant classical music)" " [Narrator] I still don't know where we fit in the world." "I thought leaving faith behind would relieve the dissonance I always felt." "It didn't." "Through it all, I find myself holding onto these values." "So does Chris, my former mission companion." "For one reason or another, we've had trouble finding our way." "It's been a year since I've seen him, and tomorrow, he comes back to the Northwest." "We've agreed to put it all behind us and start fresh, uninhibited by the Church, our families, distance, or anything else." "We deserve that." "Everyone does." "(uplifting piano rock music)" "* Don't you wanna fall *" "* Don't you wanna fly *" "* Don't you wanna be dangled over the edge *" "* Of this aching romance *" "(cell phone ringing)" " Hey." " Hey." "I cannot believe you're going to be here tomorrow." " I know." " I can introduce you to all my friends finally." " I can introduce you to my friend." " Hi." " Hi, Kaylee." " Hi." " How are you?" " Good." " You are so cute, I can't even stand it." " It's past her bedtime." "Do you want to say goodnight?" " Goodnight." " Goodnight, Kaylee." " All right, wanna take Gillian, and go brush all your guys' teeth." "[sneeze] God bless you." " Gesundheit." " I'll be in tuck you in just a sec, okay." "(giggling)" " I'm so excited to see you." " I know, it'll be good to see you, too." "I better hit the hay as well." " Yeah, um..." "Uh... so I know that we discussed this, and I know that you're trying to figure it all out, but I just want to say that... you know, she's more than welcome to come up with you next time you come up," "if that's okay." " Yeah, no, I'll think about that." " Okay, great." " Well, goodnight, I'll see you soon." " Yeah, goodnight." "I love you, I love you, Chris." "Just..." "I love you." "Why can't I just say that like a normal person?" " RJ?" " Okay, yeah, hi." " Hi, no, I'm still here, did you want me to hang up?" " Well, sure that'd be..." " Or I can." "Not that I want to hang up on you." " No, I know." " Okay." " Alright, goodnight." " Yep, goodnight." " Bye." "(groans)" "* Ride the big one *" "* Don't you wanna fall *" "* Don't you wanna fly *" "* Don't you wanna be dangled over the edge *" "* Of this aching romance *" "* If it's going to end then I wanna know *" "* Let me squeeze out every moment *" "* But if there's nothing left *" "* Can you tell me why *" "* That it is you're holding onto me *" "* Like it's the end of the world *" "(traffic rushing by)" "Hey." " Thanks for coming to get me." " You look good." " Thank you." " I think I lost a little weight." " It looks good." " Thanks." "(clearing throats)" "(blinker ticking)" "I'm really happy you're here." "I didn't think you'd ever speak to me again after the..." " I said I forgive you, and I meant it." "I just think people were legitimately confused why two men were kissing at my parents' anniversary party." " I was trying to make a statement." " Well, mission accomplished." " You know I'm excited for you to meet Adina and Sheris." " Yeah, they sound great." " Any my friend Ryan." " Oh he is the returning missionary you were telling me about?" "Great." " Yeah, I'll be there." "Okay, give her my love, please." "Alright, thank you." "Okay, bye." "Sometimes it feels like I'm still married." "Thanks." " You hungry?" " I could eat." "(slow, warm piano music)" " Am I that hard to be around?" " No." " So how is life after pharmaceutical sales?" " Well, I haven't heard back from any of the schools that I've applied to." "I've got my heart set on sticking close to home." "What about you, how's work?" " Work's going well." "I haven't written anything original in a while." " I forgot to tell you my sister read one of your books." " Oh, which one?" " The really dirty one." " Yeah, tell her I'm sorry." " It's just that she knew you were talking about me, and it was like..." " I know that's why I'm apologizing." "How is Chelsea?" " She's good, it's Greg that I don't talk to, but you already knew that." " Do they know that you're here with me right now?" " My Mom does." "My Dad, he's..." " Let's loosen up." " Okay." " No, I don't drink." " Come on, you have no where else to be." "(glasses clinking)" "How often do I get to see you?" " Alright, I'll do one." "(groaning)" " Another one?" " You know you can't get me drunk." " I just got here." " I'm not trying to get you drunk, it's just happening." "(glasses clink)" " Why does it take us so long to get comfortable?" " I don't know." "I feel like I still get..." "nervous around you." " Yeah, I get nervous, too." " After all this time." " Yeah, we're just two fluttering hearts." "(breathing heavily)" "(breathing heavily together)" "(moaning)" " I missed you." " I missed you." " [Chris] You know, I think I can do this whole Northwest thing." " [RJ] What?" "You are doing it." " [Chris] What?" " You're hanging out with gay, bearded men, and you're drinking beer." " And what about the Salt Lake City thing?" " What about it?" " Could you do it?" " I think you could barely do it." " Well, maybe you won't have to." " Okay." " Where are you going?" " I am headed back to your house to get some more beer." " I thought you said you weren't drinking." " You, sir, have opened the flood gates." "I'm past the point of no return." " You can't just say that and then walk away." " Too late." " Come on, ugh." "(lighter clicks)" "(giggling)" "You'll be okay." " I think it's..." " It's a little dry." "We'll be okay." " I'm good." " Hey did you..." " sleep with anybody else since I saw you last?" " I had sex with Paul after Salt Lake." " I knew about that." "I saw you after that." " Yeah, I just didn't know if I'd ever see you again." " Don't worry about it." "Was there anybody else?" " Um, like a night here, and a night there, but nothing real." " Yeah, I had to break a couple bad habits myself." " What makes them bad?" " Just, oing places, and... meeting people." "What do you think about that?" " I think that we shouldn't feel like we're bad people all the time." "It's okay to have sex, you know, we're supposed to cum." "We're supposed to cum." "We are animals, it's okay." "We're okay." " You're not, you're not going to judge me?" " No." " I just wanted to get it all out in the open." " Yeah, it's fine." "We can get everything out in the open." "Every last thing we can get out in the open." "Three, two... one." "(kissing and breathing heavily)" "(laughing and kissing)" "(sleepy harp music)" "(yawning)" " Hey." "Good morning." "Do you want some coffee?" " I am a Mormon, sir." " So now you're a Mormon?" " Amen." " Get up, get up." "(groaning)" "Get up." " Oh." " What?" " My breath." " I don't mind, come on." " I do." " Come on, go." "(laughing)" "I wasn't ready for that." " Then why did you tell me to do it?" " I'm just kidding." "I'll go make us some breakfast." "Hey, how do you want your eggs cooked?" " Everything's so bright." " It's called day." " Thank you for breakfast." " You're welcome." " Where does your head hurt, there?" " Right here." "Oh." "(groaning)" " Well, you gotta drink more water." "Keep going." "Here, I'm going to get you some more." " Thank you." " Mm-hmm." "(phone clatters on counter)" " "New IDS guidelines say children of same-sex couples... will not be baptized in the Church."" "I know you want to discuss this, but if you'll just give me a moment" " to read the whole article." " They're joking, right?" "It says they're doing this for their own protection, that children from gay marriages can't be treated like everyone else." "Punishing children for the sins of their own fathers." "We don't even believe in that." "You can interpret this any way you want, but I am done." " I don't think you mean that." "(knocking on the door)" " That's Adina." " Hello, hi!" " Hi." " Hi!" "I'm Adina, I've heard so much about you." " I'm Chris." " Yeah, I know." " Nice to meet you." " Yeah, what's this?" " What?" " The love of your life is finally here, and you make him this?" " Well, it's all I had." " Where's Sheris?" " Not sure." " Is everything okay?" " No, but I'll be fine." "(laughing)" "Come on." " What?" " I'm a lip kisser, come on." " Oh?" " What, you were married to a woman once, you'll be fine." " He has soft lips." "(murmuring agreement)" "(laughing)" " Back and forth?" "[Chris] Back and forth?" " Yeah, you know it's like..." " (making swishing sound)." " No, that's up and down." " Together." " I assume that people poop up and down." " Okay, moving on, having anuses for eyes." " Hey." "Hey." " Hey." " Hey, girl." " Hi." " Hey." "Ryan." " Chris." " Oh, it's great to finally meet you." " Thank you." " Nice to meet you." " Hey." " Ryan." " Anya." " Steve." "Nice to meet you." " Hey." " Hey, buddy." " Oh, you guys started without me?" " [Steve] Yeah, we had some really great ones, but you can still deal yourself in though." "But you gotta catch up." " Yeah take seven and pick two." " Chris, how long are you in town for?" " Oh just through tomorrow." " You have work or?" " I have a six-year-old daughter." " Oh!" " Really?" " And what do you do Ryan?" " Oh, I'm a masseur." " How long have you been doing that?" " Oh, I actually just graduated, so I'm just starting out." "Actually RJ is my only client." " You're only client?" " Yeah, I'm hoping it'll take off." "It's mostly word of mouth, but he's giving me lots of practice." "We all know how tense he gets, right." " Wow, maybe like a website or business cards." " Yeah, you know, I gotta handle that side as well." "I'm feeling it out, literally." "(laughing)" " Good card." " It's so accurate, too." " Your turn." " Oh, sure, okay." " Lifetime presents, A Sad Handjob:" "The Story of a Homoerotic Volleyball Montage." " I'd watch that." "(laughing and coughing)" " I can't believe I'm smoking pot with you, Chris." "Your dad's a member of the Quorum." " Yes he is." " Yeah, that's a tough one for us right now." " Yeah, I heard..." " but to be expected." " So where did you serve your mission, Ryan?" " I spent my mission in Mexico City" "(speaking foreign language)" "It was beautiful..." "and so was my companion." "For a year straight... he would always change in front of me... totally innocent, but he knew what he was doing." "And then one night, we were on a bus heading back to our district, and I fell asleep on his shoulder." "While I was sleeping, he had taken my hand, and he was holding it in a patriarchal grip." "I woke up..." "like this... and I looked up into his eyes, and..." "I saw a lust and love and longing... but I also saw this deep sadness... because we both knew we could never be together... and it would just be this moment in the back of a bus." "We got sent home shortly after." "I haven't seen him since." "But seeing you guys together after so long... it gives me hope." "I'm going to go." " Really?" " Yeah..." " It was nice to meet you." " Yeah, you too." " Are you okay?" " Not really." " Hey, hey, hey..." "Love you." " Love you, too." " Where did you guys meet?" " Um, we met at Affirmations." "It's like a support group for recovering Mormons." " Yeah, I know what it is." " Yeah, his parents kicked him out of the house." " Wow." " I don't know, I feel bad for him." "He's out here without no family or friends." " Wow." " You okay?" " Yeah." " [RJ] You coming?" " Yeah." " Oops, sorry." " It's okay." "(yawning and breathing heavily)" " Have you and Ryan ever...?" " No." " He sure loves you." " Do you love me?" "(breathing heavy)" "(breathing grows rhythmic)" "(moaning and breathing heavily)" "(moaning grows louder and deeper)" "(exhausted breathing)" "(water rushing)" "(birds chirping)" " Do you want some water?" "What are those?" " Oh, I have pressure points in my back." " What's wrong with your back?" " Just all those years of carrying around a heavy suitcase." " Thank you." " Yeah." " Whoa, it got chilly." "(water trickling)" "Can I ask you something?" " Sure." " Would you consider going to a sacrament meeting with me?" " Chris, I just don't know what the point is." " I don't think it's coincidence that you live only a few blocks away from the war." "It's not too late to come back." " Where do you think I've gone?" " Not far, unless all of that stuff in your living room is just for show." " I'm still trying to figure out what they're trying to say with this announcement." "By the way..." "did you know?" " What?" " About the policy, did you know before they made the announcement?" " No..." "You honestly think that I knew about that." " I don't know, I just..." "I don't know, I thought that if you did, maybe there was something you could've done about it." " I don't know." " Like what?" " Talk to your father." " What possible good would that do?" " I don't know, he's like an inside voice." "One of the twelve apostles has a gay son." "I mean if that's not a prophecy, then I don't know what is." "Do you ever think about it?" "What it would be like?" " What?" " I think about it all the time... with you, getting married... in the Church with the Sealer above us, my parents and your parents." "I do... but it's not going to happen." "Not like that." "You know what the Church does?" "They convince me more and more that maybe Joseph Smith really did make it all up." " Don't do that." " How can you be a part of something that alienates parents from their children?" "Don't you understand what this means for you?" " I've stuck with the Church through all of its flaws and idiosyncrasies, just like I've stuck with you through all of these years." " What are you talking about?" "I'm done with it, I've had my fill." " No, you gave up, that's different." " And you don't have the courage to leave." " I don't want to leave." " How are you okay with the way the treat you, or the way they treat your family or your daughter?" "As a father, how do you accept that?" " Everything I do is for her." "You can question my beliefs as a man of the faith, but don't you ever question my devotion to my daughter." " I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." " What am I doing here?" "What am I doing?" "I just feel obligated to you, you know." "I just keep coming back and coming back because it's all that I know." " Wow." "(wind blowing)" " Ricky?" "(labored breathing)" " Hey... are you alright?" "Hey." "What's wrong?" "Are you alright?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Easy, easy," "Okay." "(panting)" "What's wrong?" "Hey, look at me..." "I'm right here." "Breathe..." "Are you alright?" " I get these sometimes." " Hey, hey..." "Alright," "Alright." "(somber piano music)" "Back to real life." " This is real life." "I'm sorry we keep fucking things up." " You don't have to be sorry." " Okay." "(slow, melancholy rock music)" "(moves into uplifting rock music)" "(music fades)" "(paper tearing, crumpling)" " Thanks." "(computer jingles)" "(phone ringing)" " Call Chris." " [automated voice] Say the list number of the one you..." "Calling the mobile number for Chris." "(cheerful chiming)" "(phone ringing)" " [Chris] Hello." " Chris, Chris, I just heard." "I'm so sorry." "Is there anything I can I do?" "[Chris] Would you consider coming to Salt Lake?" "Yeah." " I can make all the arrangements." " No, don't worry about it." " I'll get there." " [Chris] The service is tomorrow." " Yeah, that's fine." " [Chris] Okay, I'll send you all the details." "I'll see you soon." " Are you okay?" " [Chris] It'll just be good to have you here." " Yeah, I want to be there with you." " [Chris] I'll see you soon, RJ." " Okay, I love you." "(phone beeps)" " [Man on the phone] Elder Merrill's gonna pitch a fit when he sees you." "I think I'd like to be there with you." " [RJ] Uh..." " I just-I think I should do it alone." " [Tom] Look, son, I never told you this, but..." "I had a conversation with him." " Wait, when?" " [Tom] We talked when you were in Salt Lake City with Chris." "I was a bit direct." " How so?" " [Tom] Doesn't matter now." "Back then I had my reasons." " Um... okay." "What does Mom think?" " [Tom] She backs me up on this." " What about your foot?" " [Tom] It'll be fine, RJ." " Okay." " Alright, son, I'll see you in the morning in Salt Lake." " Yeah, I'll see you in the morning." " [Tom] Alright, bye." " Bye." " Where are you headed today?" " Uh, Utah." " Will you be checking any bags today?" " No thanks." " There you go, sir, have a good flight." " Thank you." "(melancholy music)" " Hi, thank you." "(indistinct conversation)" "Hey." "Hi." "Thank you for coming." "Thank you." "Thank you, guys." "(bright harp music)" " Hi, Kaylee." " Hi." " You look really pretty." " Thank you." " I like your shoes." " Thank you." " She gets a little shy." " It's okay." " I'm glad you're here." " Me too." " Hey, shall I take her for a little why?" "Yeah absolutely, you wanna go with Grandma, honey?" "Yeah." "I'll see you later, sweetie." "(clearing throat)" "(breathing audibly)" "You look good." " You too." " Thanks." " I'm sorry." " It's a very tough situation." " It's challenging, yeah." " Yeah." " Are you okay?" " Yeah, he's walking over here." " It's gonna be fine." " I'm right here." " I think they're starting to recognize me." " They probably are." "Hey, just don't kiss me." "Sorry, that wasn't funny." " RJ." " Elder Merrill, I want you to know I'm very sorry for your loss." " I appreciate that." "Chris didn't tell me that you were coming." " I invited him, Dad." " Elder Merrill, I'm Tom Smith, RJ's father." " Oh, right." " I can't begin to know what you're going through right now." "Saying sorry isn't enough to express my sympathies." " Thank you, Brother Smith." " And you must be Chris, brother Smith." " Yes." "I've heard so many great things about you." "Welcome." "What happened?" " Oh, an accident at work." " Elder Smith, I thought that was you." "How are you?" " [Tom] RJ, are you okay, son?" " I'm sorry." " RJ?" " Excuse me." "(labored breathing)" "Easy, hey, easy." " I'm so sorry." " It's okay." " That was so weird." " Yeah." " Our mission president... and the look that your father gave me, he hates me." " Okay." "Okay." " He doesn't hate you." " I just wanted to be here for you." " You are, you're here." "Rest." "Easy, easy, easy." "There we go, there we go, there we go." " They're gonna be alright." " Yeah, why don't you and RJ stick around, and we'll get some dinner?" " Oh, Elder Merrill, I couldn't intrude on your mourning." " We need to have a talk." "We need to have a candid conversation, and I would like you and RJ to join us for dinner tonight, alright?" " Absolutely." " Good, thank you." " Welcome." " Thank you." "So, I hear you're going to law school." " I'm still applying." " I bet your mother was proud." " Yeah, she was." "As far as she was concerned, I was already practicing law." " My old mission companion became an attorney." "I saw him and some of my other companions recently." "We met up for a night, and life didn't skip a beat, let me tell you." "We picked up right where we left off." "We shared our blessings, and our tragedies, love and heartbreak." "Some of them..." "I had no idea what they were going through back then." "It's nice to have people in your life you can depend on." " I'm Greg, Chris's brother." " Thomas Smith, RJ's father." " It's good to see you again." " Thank you." "Did you know my mother?" " Okay, Greg, I know that you don't care much for me, so maybe we should..." " I would like to sit here and mourn my mother without the shadow of my brother's past looming over this sacred moment." " I'm sorry." " May I have that?" " You're really going to do this right now, Greg?" " Our father asked me to be here, and here I am." "Dad." " Boys, Brother Smith, RJ." " Elder Merrill." " Good to see you." " I didn't know what to get, so I got a variety of foods, pad Thai." " I hope Thai is good for everyone." "We didn't have much left after the reception, so..." "Looks good, nice and hot." "Brother Smith, would you like to pray for us?" " Elder Merrill, I'd be honored if a member of the Quorum would say a blessing." " Okay, call me Noah, alright?" " Let's pray." "Our Heavenly Father, thank you for bringing" "Tom and RJ safely to us today and as our families come together, please help us guide our conversation, help us discover what is best for everyone, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen." " [Together] Amen." " Brother Smith and RJ, thank you both for being here today, it was very gracious of you to come." "I have to make clear right now and bear testimony to each of you that... sexual relations between two of the same sex is wrong." "By doing so, our children become apostates, and should be culled from the kingdom." "Now the rest of the world may be taking a different path, but we remain faithful to the Gospel." " You've made some pretty bold assumptions, Dad." " I've seen it with my own eyes, Chris." "I've read his book." " There's a book?" " It's a detailed account of their mission together." "And you, how do you feel about this, having your adventures out there in print for everyone to see?" " I wouldn't want them in print." " Well, no one would read a book about you, Greg." " Did you read the whole thing?" " I read as much as I could." " What about the part when they helped the veteran with PTSD make his peace with heavenly Father and himself." "Did you read that?" " Your son and I fell in love." "We did things that people do when they love each other." " Faith isn't a Kinsey scale." "You're either a man of faith, or you're not." " Elder Merrill, I can assure you, RJ..." " Dad." "Like it or not, I'm in your life." "A man of God or not, I feel the loss of this woman tonight, and I feel it through him." "And he's a man that I love and whose family I love." " My mother would've loved you." "Just like I do." " So what's this going to look like?" " What's what going to look like?" " This." " What?" "You two, with him in Seattle?" " Well, RJ moved to Portland, Dad." " Well, that's the same thing." "Kaylee's in Salt Lake City." " RJ and I aren't together right now." " Wait a minute, I thought that you guys were... ya know." " Yeah why not?" "I just heard you say that you love him." "Do you mind if I ask what the problem is?" " The Church... and where we fit inside of it all." "We don't know." " I see." "(somber piano music)" " Thanks." " (speaks indistinctly)" "RJ, thank you for being here for Chris." " Mm-hmm." " Thank you for coming." "(speaking indistinctly)" " Son, give me a hand." " Thanks." "You know, RJ, I get it..." "about Chris." "I mean." "Your mother and I want the best for you, and..." "I can't think of anyone better for you than him." "I want you to know..." "I'm proud of you, son." " For what?" " For..." " being a good human being... and for having the fortitude to... follow your heart." "I knew someone in your situation once." "He wasn't nearly as courageous as you and Chris." " Yeah, I think I remember you talking about him." "Do you know what happened to him?" "Is he okay?" " He is... he's fine." " Well if you ever want to talk about him," "I'll listen." " Thank you, son." "(somber piano music)" "* Looking at the sun *" "* You think there's only one light in the sky *" "* You wouldn't be right *" "* Wait until the night comes *" "* See a trillion suns spinning up above *" "* That's how it is *" "* That's how it is when *" "(knocking on door) (music stops)" " Have a seat." " Is Sheris here?" " She's asleep." " Is everything okay?" " Yeah, we're fine." "Now tell me about Salt Lake." " Well, it was really sad and really sweet." "And we said goodbye, and... now I'm here." " Well that doesn't make any sense." "You guys have been at this what, six, seven years." "I love you, no I don't, I'm Mormon, no I'm not." "My parents will be mad if we fuck, we shouldn't fuck." "Fucking is against our religion." "If everyone would just stop giving a fuck about who everyone else was fucking then there wouldn't be a problem." "I don't care who anyone fucks except for Sharis." "Why should I care about who that guy fucks, or that guy fucks, or that guy fucks, or that guy fucks, it's all bullshit." " Yeah, I agree." " Good, so then what are you afraid of?" " Nothing." " You know there's a community of people out there who love you and want you to be happy and we want you to find love." " You know, I could do it." "I could-I could compromise if it meant living a life with him." " So then why don't you?" " Because you're either gay, or you're a man of faith... but apparently you can't be both." " Hey." " Hi." " You know, you can tell her to stop talking." "That's what I do." "Waking me up." "Hi." "I heard about Chris's mom." "How are you doing?" " Eh..." " Come here." "(speaks indistinctly)" " You make me feel like a baby when you do that." " Because you are one." "(upbeat electronic dance music)" "(groaning)" " No, no, no." " Do one more with me." " No, I'm good." " Just one more, come on." " No, really, I'm good." " Fine." " You are falling apart." " Am I?" "I think I'm finally letting loose." " Well, you've been letting loose for a while." " Well, you need to loosen up." "What do we do now?" " Well I pass out because I have to go be an editor in the morning." " No, no, no, I mean your body of work." "Those books on the shelf, they're filled with your feelings about this man." "He was your muse." " I'll find a new one." " I could be your muse." "I make a great muse." " Yeah, you are." " What?" " Nothing." "(heavy breathing)" "(grunting)" "(belt buckle clinking)" "(moaning)" " Okay, okay, no, okay, okay, okay." " He's not here." " It's not about him." " You're attracted to me right?" " Of course, you're beautiful." "Hey come on, please don't be..." "Don't let this be awkward between us." " Too late." " Look, I have feelings for you." "And they are complicated feelings." "We just can't have sex." "It'll mess it up." " We both know what it's like to love something that doesn't love us back, don't we?" " Ryan... come on." " What?" " Come here, come on." "Come here." " Do you still believe in God, RJ?" "Do you think that He's here right now?" "Because I'm starting to see our Heavenly Father... like I see the Prophet or the other leaders, as... flawed men." "I don't want to see Him like that." "I want to know that He's here, and that He loves me." " Do you feel loved right now?" " In this moment, I do." " Then maybe He is." " I have to admit..." "I didn't want you and Chris to work out." " I know that." " I just didn't want to lose what we have." " I am not what you want, and I think you know that." " I looked at you guys, and I thought to myself," ""I want that..." "I want that." "Or something like that."" " You can have it." " I want a family some day, RJ." "I want a Temple wedding." "I don't want to be told that I'm going to be banished to the outer darkness for wanting that." "I have been to the dark places, and I had to pull myself out." "I don't want to go back there." "(sobbing quietly)" " You can have all of that, but not if you're gone." " What do we do now?" " We call your mission companion." " No, no we don't." " Yeah." "Yeah." " Come on is there a way to get a hold of Elder Petersen?" " Maybe." " Then let's call him." " It's probably not even his number any more." "Besides he wouldn't pick up, he's probably out with his friends or something." "At BYU, it's like 2 am." " Okay, well maybe not, but still he wouldn't pick up." " Well then it doesn't matter." " He might be angry with me." " Why?" " He went home for what we did." "He's ashamed." " He could fall in love with another boy, or worse, he could marry some unsuspecting girl." " I've been drinking." " That'll only help." " I'll call him some other time." " No, no, tonight, we're gonna call him tonight." " Chris never answered your calls after your mission." " Yeah, I didn't try hard enough." " Well, he didn't let you." " I could've tried harder." " Don't fuck this up like I did." " You didn't." " Come on let me see your phone." " It's probably dead." " You're not going to do it, come on." " Just let me sort it out." " His roommates are probably out right now soaking with their girlfriends." " Gross." " He's alone in his dorm, and he wants you to call him." " No, he doesn't." " You know when you think about someone you love, it's usually because they're thinking about you, too." "(phone ringing)" " [Young Man] Hello?" " It's Ryan." "I'm in Portland." " [Missionary Companion] That's cool." "How did you know I'd be up?" " Just luck, I guess." " [Missionary Companion] It's nice to hear from you." " It's so good to hear your voice." " [Missionary Companion] It's weird you'd called," "I've been thinking about you." " You have?" " [Missionary Companion] Yeah, like all the flipping time." " Are you alone?" " [Missionary Companion] Yeah, are you?" " Yeah, I am." " [Missionary Companion] So, how have you been?" " Good." " [Missionary Companion] I miss you." " I miss you, too." " [Missionary Companion] Really?" " Yeah." " I wish I could see your face." " Well maybe we could make that happen." " [Missionary Companion] Really?" " Yeah." " I remember how you used to look at me." " Like you were the only person in the world?" " [Missionary Companion] Yeah." " It's because that's all I saw." " [Missionary Companion] I love you." " I love you, too." "(crying)" " [Missionary Companion] So much." " I'm coming home, I think it's time." "(mournful soft rock music)" "(inspiring instrumental music)" " President, may I sit?" " [President Of The Quorum Of The Twelve] Yes, brother Merrill." "Let me first say that I am praying for you." "I've been speaking with our Heavenly Father, and He loves you." "Debbie was dear to me and to Francis." "How are Chelsea, and Greg, Chris and Kaylee?" " Well Chelsea is taking it pretty hard, as is Greg." "Kaylee, we tell her that Deedee has gone on to her eternal family, but you know, she's a child." "Chris has been a rock." "And he's actually a big part of the reason" "I'm here today." " Oh?" " He suffered from same-sex attraction for many years." "I tried, I did everything I could to help him, but I've stopped that now." " It's a very difficult situation." " I realized that he is fine the way he is." "There's no need for him to change." " Brother Merrill, you know that Lucifer will try every trick to mislead us." " You continue to teach me to be open to the promptings of the spirit, and I feel my heart softening towards Chris and the many faithful who are like him." "Where's our spirituality?" "Where's our response to the love of God?" "This doesn't feel like love, making people choose... separating ourselves from them for eternity." "Have you seen what's happening in the world?" "People are being killed, beaten, discriminated against every day, my son among them." " I understand, brother Merrill, but I have heard from the Lord... is that we have to proceed as we already have." " Well, I, too, have talked to our Heavenly Father." "Oh, have you?" "Yes and He told me that we, the apostles, and... the Quorum must continue to discuss this matter." " Alright, son, you'll have your meeting." "In the meantime, Noah, get some rest." "You're going through much more now than you may realize." " Thank you, but I really need to work right now." " I understand." "Let us pray." " Of course." " Dear Heavenly Father, we thank you for the friendships that support us in difficult times..." "when we lose family until we see them again in eternal life, it is very hard." "(crying softly)" " Okay." "Do you remember which order these go in?" " Yeah." " Alright, put 'em in order for me." "Very good, good job." "So can you tell me where Grandma is, do you remember?" "Very good, that's the spirit world." "That's paradise." "That's where she's waiting for all of us." " Here?" " Yep, right there." " Yeah, right there, and one day, we will all be together right here." "So it'll be you, and me, and Mommy's going to be there, and your Grandma, and we will all be together forever." " RJ, too?" " Yeah, of course, he'll be there." "Of course, he'll be there, baby." "Oh, your Mommy's going to be here in a few minutes." "Do you want to go outside and wait for her?" "See if we can see her drive up?" " Yeah." " Okay." " You promise you're not mad that I'm not going to BYU?" " I'm not mad." "This makes so more sense." "You won't have to disrupt Kaylee's life." "This place is beautiful." " Yeah." "It's the right thing." "I was thinking about our dinner with the Smiths, and how much I wished your mom could have been there for that." "It had a life marker feel about it." "It's inspired me to bring some matters up before the Quorum." "I'm going to broach the subject of the new policy and also same-sex marriage in the Church." "What do you think about that?" " I don't think I ever told you this, but... while I was in therapy... they told me time and again, you can choose God or you can choose love." "Well, to me, they're one in the same." "My own daughter knows that, a child knows that." "I'm not going to let anyone tell me who I can and can't be with... and I'm not going to let anyone... define those choices for me either." "This meeting with the President, with the Quorum... thank you, but I hope you're not doing it just for me." "I hope you're doing it because you know it's the right thing to do." " As a member of the Quorum, I'm limited." "I'm one voice in that room, but I'm going to have your mom with me." "You know... when I saw you and RJ together, when he had his panic attack, and you ran after him... reassured him, talked him through it." "That reminded me so much of your mom and I, and how we cared for each other." "That's love." "I saw that with you." "It's like a dream... this life, it only lasts so long." "I love you, son." " I love you, too, Dad." " God, I miss her." " Me too." "* His love shall light my way *" "* Through darkness and through doubt *" "* Imprisoned by uncertainty *" "* His love has brought me out *" "(wind blowing)" "(breathing tiredly)" "(slow, soft piano music)" "(knocking on door frame)" "(laughing)" "(soft piano music quickens)" " Hey." " Hi." " How long have you been here?" " Three and a half hours." " I'm so sorry." " It's okay." " You got into law school." " I did. (laughing)" "(kissing)" " Congratulations." " Thank you..." "Oh, okay." "(belt buckle clinking)" "(laughing)" " Have you had time... to think?" "You don't have to be strong for me." "(crying quietly)" " I never got to say goodbye." "She was so good." "(sobbing loudly)" "(hopeful, uplifting orchestral music)" "(wheels rolling across pavement)" "(people conversing loudly on street)" "(laughing and shouting)" " [Voicemail Recording] Hi, you've reached the voice-mail box of Christopher Merrill." " Chris, as a member of the Quorum of the Twelve," "I have to tell you that I cannot support you, but as your father, you have my blessing." "You don't need it, but you have it." " Hey, hey, you have time." "You're not going to miss your flight." " I'm sorry." " It's okay." "What's in going to be like when you start school?" " Well, you know there's going to be breaks every now and then, and it's only three years." " A lot can happen in three years." " Yeah." " I just feel like you're going to leave, and everything's going to be the same." " RJ, I know why you feel that way." " I prayed this morning." "I prayed for Heavenly Father to give me strength." "I prayed for strength to let us go, so that you could attend to matters in your own life, and I could do the same." "I know that the Church has betrayed us... and it's excluded us, and it's been... heart breaking... but when you're wrapped up in it," "I can't live without it." " I know it's been really crazy the last couple of weeks, and for my part, I apologize for that... but if it's taught me anything, it's that life is way too short." "For the first time in my life, I know what I want and who I want." "I want you." "And Kaylee, and the Church, I want it all... because we deserve it." " I want it all, too." "I want everything." "It belongs to us as much as it belongs to anyone else... and nobody can tell us what our options are... and I don't want to fuck around anymore." " Well, I had this whole other thing planned." "I called your dad recently... and the reason I called him was to ask his permission to marry his son." "Will you marry me?" " Yes..." " (crying quietly)" "I love you." " I love you so much." "I will never leave you again." "You need some tissue?" " No, no I'm okay." " I have a plane to catch." " You said you would never leave." " Just this once." " Okay." " Okay." " Our dear Heavenly Father, we're so very grateful for this blessed day, to be here, with these two young men." "We pray that thy spirit will be with us, and it will bless them and strengthen them as they endure life's challenges together." "We pray that all will be enriched by this experience as we leave today, and that we will always remember to treat thy children with the utmost of love, kindness, and patience, and we ask these things humbly in the name of thy Son," "Jesus Christ, Amen." " [Together] Amen." " And now the rings." "(sweet music plays quietly)" "Brethren, do you take one another by the hand and receive each other to be your lawful and wedded husband for time and all eternity," "and this you do in the presence of God, angels, and these witnesses of your own free will and choice?" " Yes." " Yes." " By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husbands." "(crowd applauding loudly)" " [RJ] My name is RJ Smith, and I married Chris, the love of my life... in December of 2016, in Portland, Oregon," "our families were both there, including my stepdaughter Kaylee." "I soon moved to Salt Lake with them." "I got a job as an adjunct professor at the University of Utah, and I finished my new book." "I finally found a way to join the two opposing sides of myself." "(twinkling piano music)" "My first day in our home, we knelt down and prayed." "Chris said to me softly, "This is it."" "This is what we have." ""This is what we've been fighting for."" "He said it was all worth it..." "and he was right." "* *"