"All right, honey, I think I'm gonna go to bed, okay?" "Ooh. (Grunts)" "Did you just make a sound getting up?" "Did I?" "I've never done that before." "I think it's the baby." "I'm standing for two." "Or we're gettin' older." "Let me see if I make a sound when I get up." "No." "Still nothin'." "I'm, like, ninja quiet." "I should've been an assassin." "Uhh!" "(Clears throat)" "You did it again." "No." "I'm telling you, you do it all the time now." "I'm not even aware." "Well, you do." "You creak." "You moan." "You sound like a haunted pirate ship." "Ohh. (Sighs)" "(Gasps) (Gasps)" "Oh, my God." "I just did it, too." "What's happening to us?" "We have to nip this in the bud." "Oh, it makes me feel like I have an old football injury." "From now on, I do have an old football injury." "No, this has to stop." "We have to figure something out, or else we'll become just like... (Groans loudly)" "(Grunts and groans)" "Ahh." "Oh!" "Mm!" "Ah!" "Ohh!" "Ah!" "Mm." "Ooh." "Mm!" "Ah!" "Ahh. (Sighs) Aah. (Sighs)" "(Man) ♪ I don't know where I'd be ♪" "♪ without someone to see ♪" "♪ this thing through ♪" "♪ I am such a mess ♪" "♪ even at my best ♪" "♪ I'm better with you ♪" "Thanks for letting us do our laundry over here." "I promise you it's the last time." "I've been assured that there will be no more bricks in the dryer." "I was trying to record a new sound for the band." "I was going for a deep thump." "All I got was a crash, a hiss, and a..." "(High-pitched voice) Casey!" "And to think, your genes will be in our grandchild." "Chilling, isn't it?" "Oh. (Chuckles)" "All right, clothes, I will miss you." "I'll see you again in six months, when I lose all the baby weight." "Aw, it's so cute you think you're gonna fit back into those." "My advice..." "you wanna be happy?" "Say good-bye to trendy clothes and fancy panties, and say hello to bloomers." "It's true." "Everything I see now is less like underwear and more like fitted sheets." "Well, you're wrong, mom, okay?" "I will fit back into all of my prepregnancy clothes." "And you wanna know what's great?" "My favorite jeans still fit." "My angel butts." "You know, my stretchy denim boot cuts that makes it look like my butt's being held up by little angels." "Oh." "I call my favorite jeans "Robert Wadlows." (Laughs)" ""Guinness book of world records"?" "(Scoffs)" "The tallest man in the world?" "Anyway, they make my legs look long." "I can't believe you still try to fit into those skinny jeans." "That's so sad..." "Is what your father was saying this morning." "Shame on you, Joel." "So anyway, moving on from pregnancy to wedding..." "A series of events most dads hope would happen in a different order..." "But I-I'm cool." "I got this, uh, wedding invitation" "I thought might give you ideas for yours." "Oh." "All right." "Mm." ""We welcome you to celebrate the wedding of the Herman-Hermans."" "You remember margo Herman from the club." "She's marrying Richard Herman, but she's one of those feminists who doesn't wanna give up her name, so she's hyphenating." "She is now going to be margo Herman-Herman." "At least she's putting her maiden name last." "Margo is already getting remarried?" "Didn't her husband die, like, a year ago?" "Well, people move on, Joel." "Yeah, but that fast?" "It's like she already forgot what's-his-name." "It's like what's-his-name never existed." "Hey, guys." "Ben... (Clears throat)" "Why are you wearing my jeans?" "Oh, no, no." "No, these are my jeans." "I just got them out of the dryer." "They always do this." "You just gotta stretch 'em out a little bit." "You know?" "(Grunts)" "Ben, stop!" "Ben!" "Stop it!" "Those are my jeans!" "They were in the dryer." "(Scoffs) How could these be your jeans?" "They fit in the front." "They fit in the back." "I mean..." "The label says "sexy chix"" "and has a silhouette of a girl who, strangely enough, does not seem to be wearing jeans." "I will now go change." "(Clears throat)" "And I may not come out for dinner." "You really don't think it's kinda soon for margo to get remarried?" "Joel, why do you always wait until bedtime to get chatty?" "I have been reading this same book for six months, and I don't..." "I still..." "I don't know what the dragon tattoo is." "You can ignore me, but I'll just stare until you answer." "And when I'm staring, I'm just thinking of more questions." "Okay." "Look, no, I don't think it's too soon for margo to get remarried." "She should be happy." "And it's not surprising she went for Richard." "He's very popular." "He's... he's the number one pick every year." "Number one pick?" "In the fantasy husband draft we do at the club." "It's like... it's like fantasy football, but instead of athletes, we... we draft old men." "Why would you do that?" "Well, it started out as an excuse to drink in the afternoon, but it turns out it's really fun. (Laughs)" "Okay, so you pick a guy, and then you get points for things that happen to him during the year." "Like..." "like if his retirement fund grew... plus 2." "But a spot on an X-ray..." "minus 10." "Bad knees... minus 1." "Nice car... plus 2." "Oh!" "Oh!" "A face-lift can actually be plus or minus, depending on the quality of the work." "Wow." "Mm." "And we felt guilty for rating the women's boobs." "Well, you should." "That's sexist." "So..." "How many points did I get?" "Oh!" "Do points really count in a game?" "Good night, Joel." "No, no, no, no." "(Chuckles) Seriously, how many points did... did I get?" "I don't know." "I'd have to check the web site." "There's a web site?" "Web site?" "What?" "There's no web site." "Oh, you just..." "you stop being crazy." "(Snorts and laughs)" "(Click)" "(Sighs)" "Well, I just went on that fantasy husband draft web site the ladies put together." "You know where they had me ranked?" "Last." "I'd say dead last, but there was a dead man ranked above me." "Well, you know, it probably takes time to update the web site." "That's not the point." "Nope." "Apparently, the fact that I lost my money, job, and hair, have bad knees, hate to travel, and wore a velvet shirt to a club banquet five years ago cost me a lot of points." "(Sighs deeply) That velvet was so soft." "Please stop doing that." "What do you think about this?" "What if I tried to raise my stock with the ladies at the club?" "Little hard work, a few well-placed lies, I don't rub myself..." "I might make it into the first round this year." "I think that's very smart." "Great." "I am going to dust off the sweat suit and workout visor." "Ooh!" "Hey, Ben." "You think I should wear a couple of gold chains or no gold chains?" "Chains." "I ripped my angel butts." "Oh, honey." "This is all your fault, Ben!" "You weakened them with your crazy stretches and weird man parts." "You're buying me a new pair of jeans." "Really?" "'Cause I'm not entirely convinced this is my fault." "Uh... hmm." "Well, I am, okay?" "And besides, you owe me." "How do I owe you?" "Remember?" "The party at the Plaza?" "I saved you from getting your ass kicked." "I can't stand Helen Mirren, and let me tell you why." "She... (gasps) Ben, she's right behind you." "(Whispers) Oh, my God." "Thank you." "Yeah." "I owe you one." "Helen Mirren would've pummeled you!" "Fine." "I'll buy you new jeans." "Your mail came." "(Gasps) Ah, the mail." "It's like a fun game show every day." "You never know what you're gonna get." "Bill, bill, bill." "(Gasps) Postcard!" "From my dentist." "You really like the mail." "I love that you get so excited about things that suck." "What?" "The mail doesn't suck." "It's a miracle." "For 46 cents, a letter will get delivered anywhere in America." "It's like Christmas every day, but instead of Santa, the weird bearded guy with a sack is your mailman, or like at my old apartment, bearded mailwoman." "Yeah, but Santa brings you gifts and happiness." "Name one good thing you ever got from the mail." "Oh, I'll name you one." "You ever heard of a little someone named..." "Jon Bon Jovi?" "He answered my fan letter!" "(Gasps)" "And there's a hair!" "Ohh!" "Ohh, it was gold and bouncy, and I still have it." "She does." "It's in a frame, it's in that corner, and it's gross." "That's when my love affair with the mail started, and it's never gone away." "Look, I will give you that the mail had its day, but so did horseless carriages, wooden teeth, and books." "(Mouth full) There are much better ways to communicate now." "Okay, I get it. (Chuckles)" "This is a teaching moment." "I have to impress you with the postal system." "Mm, no, you don't." "Challenge accepted!" "(Laughs)" "By the end of the week, I will make you say," ""wow, that's amazing" about the mail." "Well, you can try, but I haven't said that since I was a kid when I saw a pony with a beaver on its back beat my sister on a scooter in a cross-country race." "Wow, that is amazing." "And it'll be hard to top, because it was a dream." "How's it goin'?" "(Singsongy) Good." "I think these are the ones. (Grunts)" "(Strained voice) Just need to stretch 'em a little bit so I can button 'em." "Yeah, try... try the squats, the squats always work for me." "Okay." "Yeah, all right." "Whoa!" "You know what?" "They must be making these pants differently now." "Why would they all of a sudden make these pants different?" "Mia, is it the pants that have changed or..." "They moved the button way further over." "I'm gonna try on another pair." "Wait!" "Mia, Mia. (Chuckles)" "I just gotta say, we've... we've tried a lot of pants on here." "You know, maybe... maybe the reason they're not fitting is 'cause you got a baby in there?" "No." "No, Ben." "They should still fit, okay?" "I'm not that pregnant." "I can still wear regular pants." "Maybe I'll ask them if I could try on the older ones." "You know, where the button's in the old spot." "Well, uh, why don't you just buy pregnancy pants?" "They got 'em right up..." "pregnancy pants?" "Did you just say "pregnancy pants" to me?" "Um... y-yes?" "Do you prefer "maternity"?" "You're a jerk, Ben." "I should've let Helen Mirren kick the crap out of you!" "And that's why, Elaine, in many ways, baldness is superior to having hair." "Yeah, I learned that in my travels." "World travels..." "Which I do a lot..." "When I'm not busy learning a new language." "Oh." "What languages do you speak?" "Well..." "love for one." "And my retirement fund is not as bad as everyone thinks." "I mean, who among us does not have a few toxic assets, huh?" "(Chuckles)" "I'm used to more weight than this, but whatever." "(Clank) Uhh!" "(Strained voice) One." "Why are you at my house with one shoe missing?" "Is it missing..." "Or am I meeting it here?" "Is this another mail thing?" "Man, you just don't let stuff go." "Dude, you have no idea." "It has been nine years, and I still can't convince her that I don't like tomatoes." "Oh, stop it." "You like them." "You like ketchup." "You always say that." "They're not the same, and don't start on pizza sauce." "He loves tomatoes." "Dude, what did you say to Mia?" "She was so mad at you last night." "All I did was ask her if she wanted to try on pregnancy pants." ""Pregnancy pants"?" "You said those words to her?" "Are they swear words and I'm not aware of it?" "What is going on here?" "Mia doesn't want to admit that she's at the pants-switching phase of her pregnancy." "I found that out when I said "pregnancy pants" to her." "She punched me in the stomach." "Really?" "She actually hit you?" "Yeah." "She's got these tiny, little fists." "It's adorable." "I know she's overly sensitive right now." "Like, the other day I told her that ever since the pregnancy, she smelled a little like hummus, and she acted like I was the bad guy." "But she is pregnant, and they do make special pants for that." "Look, Mia loves being pregnant." "She just wants to be pregnant in her skinny jeans." "Well, I guess I should apologize." "Is she here?" "She's down at that store, trying on more pants. (Thud)" "Oh!" "Ha!" "Just a stamp, an address, and here it is!" "Bam!" "Bon Jovi moment." "Ah!" "Isn't it amazing?" "Postage rules say if an item has proper postage, they have to deliver it." "What do you think of that?" "Just sent you a text." "(Cell phone beeps)" ""This is the way people communicate now." ""It's free, instantaneous, and doesn't need a weird lady to hop over here to prove itself to me."" "Okay, everyone, before we get started on this year's draft, are there any late developments?" "Oh, Elaine." "Clifford DeWitt lost his big toe to an infection." "He keeps saying he's going to get it reattached, but I don't see that happening." "Okay, so anything else?" "Just a little thing." "Bonsoir." "I-I-I just wanted to clear something up for you ladies who saw me stuck in the leg machine for a few hours." "Joel, the husbands aren't supposed to be here." "I just wanted to say, don't hesitate to draft me, because although it took several attendants and the tennis pro to dislodge me, my knees are fine... no!" "(Thud)" "(Switch clicks) Oh." "There you are." "Everyone laughing at me?" "Honestly?" "Yes, honestly." "Yes, they are." "You can read all about it on the web site." "I'm sorry I made a fool out of myself." "That's okay." "I guess I was hoping you'd say" "I didn't make a fool out of myself." "That's okay." "Do you wanna know a secret?" "You wanna know the thing that really keeps you in last place?" "Me..." "Making up bad things about you so no one will pick you." "You do that?" "Mm-hmm." "Really?" "What kind of things?" "Like that your pancreas failed, and they gave you a pig pancreas." "Why do you lie about me?" "Because you're my fantasy husband." "Do you think that I don't notice how some of these women look at you?" "Why do you think I convinced you to wear that velvet shirt?" "I don't wanna share you, even in a game." "You're my rock." "No!" "A fishbowl?" "Look, I got a whole afternoon of deliveries to do." "I'm not lugging that thing with me everywhere." "I'm trying to prove to a friend that the U.S. mail rocks." "Come on." "A live fish in a bowl showing up at his door with nothing on it but an address and stamps..." "What happened to "neither rain nor sleet nor dark of night"?" "Ooh." "Sleet sounds scary." "(Sighs) Are you kidding me?" "You're supposed to represent a simpler time when... when people took pride in their work, when they didn't stop until the job was done, and then they shared a malted and saluted the flag." "Lady, I think you're looking for something the mail can't give you." "Mia?" "(Mia) Ben." "I wanna help." "Did you find any that fit?" "It's the buttons." "(Voice breaks) All the buttons are in the wrong place." "I know." "I know." "So... you wanna talk about what's really going on?" "I don't know." "It's just, everything's changing so fast." "I'm engaged, I'm getting married, some guy's growing inside of me." "I know." "He just kicked me." "I mean, a lot of the changes I love." "I really do." "I just..." "I don't know." "I don't want everything to change." "Part of me still wishes that I could be the person that I've always been, you know?" "And that person wears that kind of jeans." "Those pants have nothing to do with who you are." "Oh, Mia, I've known you for nine years, and you've worn a lot of pants in that time, and none of them have changed you in any way." "Do you remember the painter's pants?" "The acid-washed?" "The cargos?" "Ugh, the ones with that carrot embroidered on the back pocket?" "Oh, man, those carrot ones were a mistake." "I only wore them once." "I can't believe you remember that." "Well, you see carrot pants, you don't forget." "Look... my point is, you are who you are, and no pair of pants is gonna change that." "(Whispers) They're just pants." "Thanks, Ben." "(Normal voice) Now..." "Let's go to that side of the store, where they sell..." "Other kinds of pants." "Okay." "Come on." "(Giggles)" "One foot at a time." "Ooh, I still haven't tried those on." "Stay focused." "Keep walking." "All righty." "All right." "Hey, hey!" "Look at these." "So stretchy." "Huh?" "No buttons at all so they can't be in the wrong place." "You wanna try 'em on?" "All right." "Oh, my God." "These are the most comfortable pants I've ever worn." "I can move and breathe." "I can feel my feet." "They are comfortable." "I think I just found next year's Thanksgiving pants." "Oh, yeah." "Both shoes." "That's a good sign." "I have something to admit." "What?" "As much as it pains me to say this," "I may have built up the mail to be something it isn't in my head." "(Door opens)" "Ow, ow." "Where would you like me to put him?" "(Vicky) On the couch." "Careful!" "Aah!" "Thank you." "Happy to help." "What is this?" "The mailman just delivered my dad." "That's right." "I mailed my father." "Wow." "That's amazing." "No." "That's the U.S. mail." "Aah!" "Who are you?" "!" "What are you doing?" "!" "It's okay!" "Honey, it's me!" "Get off me!" "Get off me!" "What's happening?" "!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "(Thud)" "Joel, what am I doing down here?" "I don't know." "You were that way when I came in."