"Clarence." "Alan, you... you might want to look at this." "–Paternity suit?" "–No." "–Sexual harassment?" "–No." "–Emperor's club?" "–Just... read it." "I got in." "I got in the auxiliary coast guard." "Denny!" "Denny!" "Denny!" "Denny, I got in!" "I'm in the coast guard!" "–What?" "–Yeah." "–Am I in?" "–I don't know." "Did you get a letter?" "I don't know." "I don't know." "I..." "I'm in!" "I got in!" "We're in the coast guard!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "We're in the coast guard!" "We're in the coast guard!" "Yes!" "Alan, we're in the coast guard!" "We're in the coast guard!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Coast guard!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Coast guard!" "Boston Legal 4×20" "You mean they actually got in?" "We evidently need the soldiers." "Good morning, your honor." "I'm not interested." "I'm here to see Alan Shore." "If he's busy, interrupt him." "–May I tell him what— –No, you may not." "You may tell him who." "Judge Harvey Cooper." "You mean it's not a social visit?" "I will not suffer your sarcasm, Mr Shore." "I do not like you." "That having been said," "I have enormous respect for your legal skills." "I'm here to hire you in that capacity." "Please sit." "Why, thank you." "I'm in the coast guard." "Do you know where I hail from, Mr Shore?" "A dark and scary place with enchanted creatures?" "I'm from Concord, Massachusetts." "Right." "There's a reason I chose to reside in Concord, Massachusetts." "I'm an American." "Concord, Massachusetts, is where the minute men fought off the British, personifying the heroism and patriotism of what it means to be an American." "Oh, I'm the coast guard, so..." "I come to you asking you to represent our historic town in a rather drastic cause of action." "Which is?" "We wish to secede." "Secede?" "From the union." "We want independence." "The people of Concord do not like the direction of this country." "In particular, its oppressive policies, both abroad and here at home." "It was Thomas Jefferson who said," ""whenever any form of government becomes destructive," ""it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it" ""and to establish new government."" "That is what we wish to do." "The town council unanimously voted to approve it last night." "You wish to secede from the United States of America?" "We wish to secede from the United States of America." "You're not serious." "They really want to do it." "And you agreed to represent them?" "Yes." "And how's it going with that bomb for Nantucket?" "–Alan, come on." "–It's been done, Shirley." "In 1820, a rather large chunk of Massachusetts seceded from the Commonwealth." "Today we call it Maine." "That was 1820." "Yes, and today there are five different groups who are trying to secede from the United States?" "–In February, the Secretary of State from Montana said they'd secede if the supreme court limited firearm ownership." "Maybe we could have a tea party." "Did they give you a reason for seceding?" "Yes, they want to hold some neglected truths to be self-evident." "Isn't it exciting?" "You left the room rather abruptly, Denny." "On the very day we get in the military..." "What's the matter?" "I don't want you to take this case." "Well, I already did." "For years, I've sat back, listening to you criticize the US of A, accepting your premise that dissent is patriotic." "But seceding..." "I am a founding father of this firm." "as senior partner, I'm asking you, drop this matter now." "I can't do that." "This will affect our friendship, Alan." "I have great... faith in our friendship." "I trust it will survive my taking this case." "Get out, Alan." "Denny, this isn't personal." "You have to know—" "Please, get out." "What do you think of this lawsuit Alan is bringing?" "Uh, Concord seceding?" "I'm against it." "I have an idea." "You had an idea." "I get one... every leap year." "Before we get too far into this," "I trust you've considered that you and your entire township will be deemed anti-american." "–Yes." "And that under the patriot act, law enforcement is practically required to investigate your motives..." "Not just the mayor and the council, but the whole town." "They get to dig into everything in your lives..." "Your political affiliations, your bank accounts, credit cards, your e-mails, phone records, the books you've checked out at the library, the videos you— –Mr Shore, we understand fully the provisions of the patriot act" "and the litany of governmental powers it bestows." "That's one of the very reasons we want to secede." "You won't likely win." "You gotta know that, judgie-boy." "He's right." "There is no way any court is going to let a town secede from the United States." "–You just bring the motion." "In an election year, we'll settle for a shot heard round the world. –All we're looking for is to survive summary judgment." "If we can just get to an actual trial—" "Right." "There's your political podium." "You just bring the motion." "Of all the ridiculous, absurd, preposterous, outlandish, far-fetched, incredulous— –Bring it home now." "–...outrageous..." "–There we go." "...cases you have ever brought." "Your honor, I believe if you just listened to us with that mind of yours, which is so notoriously open, one can hear huge gusts of wind swirling through on their way..." "A town cannot bring a lawsuit to secede from the United States." "Of course we can." "There's ample precedent for it, starting with the declaration of independence, you hack." "–Mr Cooper... –I am still judge Cooper, especially to you, sir." "And if you were a decent judge, you would understand that the jurisdiction belongs in federal, not state court." "–And if you were a decent judge, you'd know that the federal courts, wanting two bites at the apple to quash this, would first kick it right back to state, hoping you'll do their work for them." "–And I plan to quash it, don't you worry." "Whoa." "Let's not do any rash quashing, judge." "All I ask is for you to listen to us before—" "Why?" "Why?" "It's what judges do." "They typically weigh the merits before ruling on them." "Did they not tell you this in judging school?" "Go ahead and quash it now." "That'll simply allow us to refile with another judge, preferably one with an IQ exceeding that of celery." "So go ahead." "Dismiss it." "We don't want you anyway." "Well, you've got me." "I will hear this case." "–Uh, wait." "That's ridiculous." "–Of course you think it's ridiculous." "You represent the Commonwealth." "By the way, since the attorney general's office is the Commonwealth, our first order of business would be to disqualify you." "You're the state." "The state is the defendant, judge." "That would be a very clever tactic if we weren't one step ahead of you." "We've already hired outside, independent counsel." "In fact, outside counsel came to us." "Really?" "Who?" "I don't see anybody." "You must be joking." "The Commonwealth has waived conflicts." "Wait a second." "The same firm for both sides?" "–Saves on guest cast." "–Mr Shore?" "Concord will waive conflict, your honor." "5:00." "Isn't it exciting?" "Could be." "Denny..." "Nothing personal, Alan." "This is a very bad idea." "–It was Denny's." "–Oh, well, then..." "Shirley, now it is good that we oppose." "First, it will offset any fallout this firm will get for representing perceived traitors." "Second, what they're doing is wrong." "Whatever one's problems with America..." "You should be telling Alan to withdraw, not Denny and me." "Who's arguing?" "I am." "But, Denny, you specifically came to me and—" "For backup." "I'll first chair." "–Well, Denny, I..." "I believe the client thinks they're getting me." "Why would they think that?" "I'm Denny Crane." "The problem is, Alan knows you so well, he might be able to exploit your weaknesses." "You forget I know him." "I can exploit his weaknesses." "Besides, I don't have any weaknesses." "I'll first chair." "Denny, I..." "What's that?" "Rainbow trout." "You'd know if you ever caught one." "–Can they survive in a tank like that?" "–He won't have to live long." "As soon as I catch him, I'm gonna eat him." "–You plan to fish for him?" "–Why wouldn't I?" "–Is that really sporting?" "What do you want, Alan?" "Denny, I think you and I trying a case... against each other is a really, really bad idea." "–Fine." "Recuse yourself." "–I can't do that." "I've given my word to those people" "I'll represent them. –And I'm defending my country against a traitor." "This country was started by traitors, Denny." "I'm preparing a case." "Please leave." "Denny, I don't want to see you get hurt." "Oh, you think you'll win, hmm?" "I'll certainly survive summary judgment." "–$50,000 says you won't." "–I am not going to bet you." "Chicken." "You know you'll lose." "I won't lose." "$50,000." "Denny, I don't have to win on the merits here." "All I have to show is that there's a possible case to be made." "$50,000." "How could you wager?" "We're certain to lose." "Not at the summary judgment." "All the facts should be construed in our favor." "We're on the side of the founding fathers here." "The constitution stands for everything that the town of Concord is advocating." "–Let's not overplay the founding fathers." "Most of them had slaves, mistresses." "Maybe that's where Spitzer found his motivation." "Love the dress, by the way." "You could stop traffic today, I tell ya." "What was that?" "The town of Concord, Massachusetts, has actually filed a motion seeking to secede from the United States and become its own sovereign nation." "There is legal precedent for the unusual..." "–Hey." "if not extraordinary act..." "–Hey." "preparing my case." "I can see that." "You were once a brilliant attorney." "You're... you're not anymore." "You're forgetful." "You don't stay current on the law." "The last time I even saw you open a law book was because you had a copy of "rustler" tucked inside, which I see you found." "The thing..." "about Alan is he's not just a gifted lawyer." "His competitive ego is extreme." "As much as he loves you, his first priority will be winning this case." "And, Denny..." "he will tear you up." "You are absolutely no match for him." "I don't want you to handle this case." "Not your decision." "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a case to prepare." "You, too, Alan." "This is not about the people of Concord hating America." "Just the opposite." "We are simply seeking to form our own government, one that reflects the values of an America that used to be." "Which values are those, sir?" "Freedom of speech, freedom of religion, majority rule, for starters." "You don't think America currently values those things?" "Certainly much less so." "Today one does not even have the right to protest at a presidential appearance." "We have things called free-speech zones." "News crews are not allowed to film the return of military caskets from Iraq, lest the public get the awful idea that soldiers are being killed." "This is censorship worthy of the cold war Soviet Union, not the United States." "Certainly not the America I love." "Well, since we are in a time of war, maybe the rules—" "Yes, and typically in war, we observe the Geneva convention." "That's no longer the case." "We torture." "We lock people in prison camps like Guantanamo, with no opportunity for a real hearing." "We are guilty of the very oppression the colonists reared up against, to begin America." "Thank you, sir." "Denny... uh, this would be the point where you get up and ask a challenging question." "Do you have any?" "What's going on?" "Not to worry... much." "Your honor." "–Mr Crane." "–Mr Crane." "–You miss old America." "–That's exactly right." "Oh, yeah." "In old America, we would never censor free speech." "–No, we would not. –Even though Woodrow Wilson jailed 5,000 Americans for speaking out against World War I." "–That's one example." "Would you like a lollipop?" "–And locking people up without giving them a hearing, like Guantanamo?" "–Many of them innocent people." "–FDR jailed 100,000 japanese Americans, almost all of them innocent, many of them children." "The japanese internment camps were an isolated incident for which we remain ashamed." "One would hope we'd learn from it." "It seems we haven't." "Spying on our own citizens?" "That would never happen in the America you grew up in." "No." "What about Nixon?" "He spied." "Do I get a lollipop for Watergate?" "–Nixon did not represent the American val— –What about LBJ?" "He used the FBI to spy on reporters." "Bill Clinton— –You're gonna equate Bill Clinton with what goes on today?" "According to the ACLU," "Bill Clinton expanded stealth surveillance far beyond any previous administration ever, and that was during a time of peace." "Bill Clinton certainly never tortured people." "No." "He practiced rendition." "Shipping suspects off to other countries, like Saudi Arabia, Egypt, and they tortured for us." "During the cold war, we did human experimentation..." "Innocent people..." "College students, mental patients." "government-run experiments on unknowing victims." "We tested everything from LSD to nerve gas." "We exposed unwitting black men to syphilis, trying to discover a cure." "We used them as guinea pigs." "No, judge, you haven't named one thing America's doing today that we haven't been doing for a long, long time." "–He was good." "–He was very good." "Never would know he's dying from Alzheimer's, not with that little performance." "–He's not dying." "–I'm sorry." "I just meant— –Why would you say that?" "Well... people with Alzheimer's there's no cure." "–I know there's no cure, but people can live with it, Jerry, sometimes for a very long time." "That was a terrible thing to say." "–I'm sorry." "What's wrong?" "I'll tell you what's wrong." "I'm not his whipping boy." "Ich fuhle machtig, dahmi dahmi dahmino." "What language was that?" "Swiss-German." "Oh, dear." "It's come to Swiss-German." "Would you excuse us for a minute, Katie?" "Jerry, I'm sorry." "I've been stressed out with this trial." "And I guess I've gotten so used to... calling it "mad cow," I..." "I forget what it really is." "You seem to be going to the wooden cigarette a lot more lately." "Anything wrong?" "No." "I feel as if I haven't... seen much of you over the last year." "We haven't really spoken since, uh, the troubles with Dana." "Well, you've been really busy, Alan." "So have I, with work." "Work has..." "Hey, that's the beauty of being good friends, isn't it?" "Relationships with long shelf lives, you can just stick 'em on the shelf, I tell ya." "What?" "I have never, ever considered myself someone who puts work before friendships." "Seems I do." "We all do, Alan." "Friendships are a little like backyard gardens." "We plan to tend to them..." "We just always seem to put it off till next week." "Catch anything?" "Not yet, but I will." "You were quite something in court yesterday." "Oh, thank you." "Appreciate it." "Denny, could you stop fishing for a minute?" "I'm feeling uncomfortable about the bet." "We don't need the kind of competition or... animosity that a bet like that can fuel." "Plus—" "–You're losing." "–I'm not losing." "Oh, yes, you're losing." "Do you understand how summary judgment goes?" "The burden is totally on the defense." "You must prove there are no credible facts whatsoever upon which relief can be granted." "It's all but impossible for defendants to win summary judgments." "Double it?" "Fine." "Fine." "Just no doing your closing in that minuteman outfit with the musket." "Remember how the jury just loved that?" "Especially with money riding on this thing, it would be unfair for you to take advantage like that." "Promise me you won't wear the minuteman outfit." "Nice try." "He's doing well?" "Extremely." "You know, Denny may have mad cow, Shirley, but I don't think the cow is winning." "Where are you now?" "–We've got a retired general testifying, then we close. –Denny's closing?" "He must be on some kind of medication." "I don't know, but, uh, all I can say is, he's actually good." "Old America?" "Are you kidding me?" "We don't live in old America." "This is a new world." "The enemy isn't countries or states or governments." "It's terrorists capable of attacking us here." "Hell, they have attacked us here." "This is new warfare requiring new tactics." "–Including torture?" "–Absolutely." "Look, if we have a suspect who has information that a bomb is about to go off, possibly killing thousands of Americans, are you really suggesting we... we treat him gently, that we don't do everything we can to save american lives?" "I..." "I'm not saying it." "He is." "Look..." "I long for yesterday myself." "We used to know how to fight a war and not trip over ourselves, but we still stand for the same principles." "That hasn't changed." "I'm confused." "Those principles you say we still stand for, do they include human rights, the fair and humane treatment of prisoners?" "I'm saying, while those values remain important, we have to put them in perspective given the world we now live in." "–And what world is that?" "–One of terrorism." "–Right." "One where the muslim world..." "much of it... hates us and would love to see the destruction of the United States." "Tell me, do you make any room for the possibility... any room whatsoever..." "that the conduct of our country, be it starting a war under false pretenses— –Democrat." "Move to strike." "This isn't republicans vs democrats." "–Oh, right." "–The democrats, virtually all of them, have supported the worst of Bush's policies." "Only one democrat in the senate opposed the patriot act when it was first proposed." "They stumbled over each other rushing to sign a blank check." "I hardly stand here as a proud democrat." "–Nor do you stand as a loyal American." "–Oh, come on. –We don't question your country in a time of war." "Why the hell not?" "That to me seems like an especially apt time to ask questions." "–Mr Shore." "I don't know who the hell came up with the notion that one can't criticize this country and still be patriotic." "I bet it was Cheney." "Well, he was wrong." "Some of our most noble patriots were dissenters... –Henry David Thoreau, Susan B. Anthony— –Are we doing closings now?" "–Would you like to?" "I'm ready." "–Would've worn the outfit." "Why don't you just shut up instead?" "That's enough, both of you." "Mr Shore..." "Do you have anything else?" "No." "Working on my closing." "Later." "I'm sorry about telling you to shut up." "Can we agree just to try this case and not let it get personal?" "Come in, Alan." "Sit down." "Something I thought you understood, but you clearly don't understand... for people of my generation, being an American... is personal." "I realize—" "No, you don't." "You don't." "In your life, growing up, you just took for granted that America would always be." "Why not?" "It's a superpower, strongest country in the world." "In my lifetime, with Hitler trying to take over the world and having the means to do so, we went to bed scared at night that America would end." "Imagine that feeling, Alan." "The tragedy for me here is... you have no idea how deeply offended I am by the idea that a town..." "wanting to secede." "You have no..." "Which means... you don't know me, Alan," "not really." "Our friendship has all the depth of a jigger of scotch." "I really need to work on my closing right now." "Why are you wearing that ridiculous costume?" "It's not a costume, your honor." "I'm a member of the United States auxiliary coast guard." "I stand ready to defend my country against enemies, high crime and treason." "Objection." "I object to the implication—" "Oh, Mr Shore, sit down." "Thank you, your honor." "I'll make this short." "It is my belief that the best closing arguments are short." "There's a lot to criticize about America today." "I realize that." "Truth be told, I'm embarrassed by the current administration." "Who isn't?" "But whatever one wants to say about George Bush, there can be no question that he loves his country." "He once made a simple statement that, simply put, reflects who and what he is." "–Simple?" "Mr Shore." "He said, "you're either with us or against us."" "The town of Concord comes into court, says... they no longer choose to be with us." "They want to abandon America." "It is the most unpatriotic act of heresy imaginable." "It's treason." "Your honor, if you allow this case to continue a week, a day, an hour," "you are saying that abandoning America in a time of war is conceivably acceptable." "If you love this nation just one fraction of what George Bush does or I do or most Americans do, you cannot possibly find that acceptable." "Not too long ago, we set the example for the world on civil liberties and human rights." "Today..." "Today we have this bipartisan piece of legislation... the patriot act..." "that criminalizes free speech, authorizes warrantless searches, allows for wiretaps without probable cause." "People can now be locked up on suspicion alone, denied due process or even a hearing." "As for foreign nationals, forget it." "They can be deported for what they say or think, even if they're completely law-abiding." "They can be kept from ever entering this country under the ideological exclusion rule, again, based on what they say or think." "All this accomplished by a bill that our leaders rushed to pass just six weeks after those towers came down." "Did you... read the patriot act, judge?" "Members of congress certainly didn't." "It was pushed through with so much haste, there was almost no deliberation." "Because few if any members of the house of senate had bothered to read it... —most still haven't—" "A bill that mocks our constitution and moves us ever closer to tyranny." "We now round up suspects and throw them in detention camps, claiming they're not prisoners of war so that we may torture them in violation of the Geneva convention." "We set up these camps in Cuba and other foreign locations." "This is not something done by a government with moral integrity." "It does not reflect a nation with a conscience." "And let's talk about the torture." "This isn't slapping around some suspect who knows of a ticking bomb." "We now use torture as a matter of course." "We use it against people just to see if they have information, any information." "Torture is no longer the exception, but the rule." "It's systemic." "Waterboarding, sexual humiliation, extreme psychological and physical abuse..." "We all know the horrors of Abu Ghraib." "And those orders came from the very top." "George Bush knew and approved of these tactics, as did Rummy, Condi, Dick, Ashcroft, Tenent, even Colin Powell." "They all knew and participated in creating the policy, as did many others, and yet not one high-ranking officer or member of this administration has been held accountable, not one." "We set up these secret prisons using techniques modeled on the dungeons of Egypt." "We chain prisoners to ceilings, we subject them to simulated drownings or sexual abuse." "This is not moral leadership." "This is not the conduct of a country that regards the law or respects human rights." "And the country I speak of is not Egypt or Saudi Arabia or even North Korea." "It's the United States of America..." "my country, your country." "Denny Crane said to me that I cannot know the experience of lying down at night and facing the idea of losing America." "Since September 11, 2001," "I think most of us have laid down on many a night and imagined exactly that." "But I wonder, what is it about America that we most fear losing?" "and I wonder, how much of that have we lost already?" "The town of Concord..." "what can it really do, stage a protest, have a rally, a parade, call a press conference?" "Would that even make the news?" "But threaten to secede, that would get some attention." "and if you look at all the facts here, you'll see Concord isn't really seeking to leave America at all." "It's America that has left them." "And, of course, ultimately," "Concord will not be allowed to secede." "We all know that." "But if you quash this at the summary judgment stage, you will, in effect, be ruling that their concerns are not even legitimate." "And how can any true American conclude that?" "We stand here today asking you to defend a democracy that our congress and our president refuse to defend." "We're asking you to stand up for the constitution, which every judge is duty-bound to protect." "We ask you to stand up for an America that, 60 years ago, our soldiers stormed a beach in Normandy to defend." "This case is personal to you, and it's personal to me." "It's personal to everyone in this courtroom." "I love this country, Denny." "I just... sometimes, I just don't recognize it anymore." "I, like many Americans, am horrified that our government tortures prisoners of war that we've turned our police powers... many of them illegal..." "against our own citizens." "If the goal of the terrorists on 9/11 was to knock down democracy, then they surely have succeeded." "But I, like many Americans, care more about the protection of our children, grandchildren... than I do our nation's ideals." "I do not doubt for a moment that the government is acting in good faith to make us safe." "No do I doubt that if there's any time in our nation's history when we must simply stick together, it is now." "The concerns and questions you have raised, Mr Shore, are indeed legitimate, but I cannot and I will not allow to stand" "Concord's motion to secede from this country." "We're adjourned." "Still undefeated." "Never in doubt." "How about our friendship?" "A man is never so rich as he is with friendship... except when he's got $50,000." "–I thought we doubled it." "I'll give you half off 'cause I like you." "Walk out with me?" "Please." "Men's room." "I got it wrong." "No biggie." "The stalls are empty." "I got it wrong about your no longer being a brilliant attorney." "Seems you still are." "Sex?" "Not tonight." "Oh." "I had a dream." "You and I were swimming in my pool buck naked." "We began to make ferocious love." "You screamed so loudly the police came and looked over the fence and said, "oh, that's just Crane, pool and Schmidt."" "And on that lovely note, good night, Denny." "And way to go." "She's still in love with me." "Everybody loves a winner." "You were pathetic, trying to get me to wear that minuteman outfit." "You wore it before." "I actually did listen to your closing." "Almost made me cry." "Really?" "Yeah, 'cause for a second there, I thought you'd win." "Let me ask you a question." "Don't you get tired of going on and on and on like that?" "Yes." "When you think of the hours and hours I've spent standing in front of a jury..." "Let's not." "Jerry said something about how we don't tend to the friendships in our lives." "We do, every night, right here." "Yes, but..." "When I consider my job, with all those closings... –Endless closings." "–...many of them quite personal... –Long-winded closings." "–All right." "What's your point?" "My point is, I've spent perhaps most of my adult life talking and talking and talking to strangers." "Why don't people take more time to be with the ones they love?" "Why don't we take more vacations?" "We keep talking about going fishing again." "My god, you bought a trout from a pet store." "Alan..." "Let's go." "Now." "I'm being serious, Denny." "So am I." "Let's hang the "gone fishin'" sign on the door and go." "Where?" "We'll start with the Charles river, go from there." "Road trip, you and me." "–Don't tease me." "I'll do it." "–I'm not teasing." "Let's go." "We'll camp, we'll fish, we'll toast marshmallows." "Same tent." "Separate sleeping bags." "Come on." "Nature awaits." "Oh, god." "Why'd you have to bring up nature?" "You know I hate nature." "I'll hold your hand." "What was that quote you said from Ralph Waldo Emerson?" "He said quite a few things." ""A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature."" "Can't remember what I had for breakfast, but that I remember." "You constantly surprise me." "Keeps the love fresh." "Alan..." "Let's go fishing." "Let's go fishing."