"Hi!" " Hey!" " You come back!" "How is the honeymoon?" "Oh, incredible!" "Oh, champagne, candle at dinner and moonlight walks on the beach, so romantic!" "So, where's Mike?" "Oh, he's at the doctor's, he didn't poop the whole time we were there." "Well, anyway, I'm glad you're back." "I really need your help." "Oh, why?" "What's up?" "Well, I have an audition for this play and for some of them would have to speak French, which according to my resume, I'm fluent in." "Joey, you shouldn't lie on your resume." "Yeah, you really shouldn't!" "BTW, how was that year-long dig in Cairo?" "It was ok." "I did not know you spoke French." "Oh, you're so sexy." "Well, so will you help me?" "I really wanna be in this play." "Sure." "Seriously, stop or I'm gonna jump on you." ""So no one told you life was gonna be this way"" ""Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA."" ""It's like you're always stuck in second gear"" ""When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year"" ""but I'll be there for you ('Cause you're there for me too)"" "Hey." "Why are you wearing my apron?" "I'm making cookies for Erica." "Oh, btw, we have to leave for the airport soon." "Her plane comes in ahout an hour." "Oh hey, when she gets here, is it ok if I introduce you two as my wife and the woman who's carrying my child?" "No?" "Divorce?" "Hey." "Do you guys know where Rachel is?" "No, we haven't seen her since this morning." "Unbelievable!" "She was supposed to meet me half an hour ago with Emma." "Hey!" "These are for Erica!" "Well, is she gonna eat all those cookies?" "I want the baby to come out all cute and fat." "So why is Erica coming to visit you?" "Because we want to get to know her better and... she's never been to NY, so she wants to see all the tourist spots, you know, Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building..." "Oh, those places." "There's always so many people there being crowd like cattle, and, you know, there's always some idiot who goes "Moo"." "Well, if it annoys you so much, then why do you do it?" "Oh hi, thanks for showing up 30 minutes late!" " Ross..." " No no, I'm sure you have a great excuse." "What, was it a hair appointment?" "A mani-pedi or is there a sale at Barney's?" "My father had a heart attack... while I was at Barney's." " Oh my god." " Honey." "I'm so sorry." "Is he ok?" "Yeah, they said he's gonna be fine." "But he's still having sedated." "Ok, I'm gonna come out to Long Island with you, I mean, you can't be alone right now." "No, come on, I'm totally ok." "I don't need you to come." "I can totally handle this on my own." "Still, still, let me come... for me." "Ok, if you really need to." "I bet someone could use one of Monica's freshly baked cookies." "Oh, I really could." "Alright, this seems pretty simple." "Your first line is "My name is Claude." So, just repeat after me." "Well, so let's try it again." "Huh, it's not... quite what I'm saying." "Really?" "It sounds exactly the same to me." "It does?" "Really?" "Alright, let's just try it again." " Really listen." " Got it." "Hey, you guys!" "I want you to meet someone really special." "Phoebe, this is Erica, and this is the baby." "Joey, Erica, Baby." "Everyone!" "Erica, Baby." "Monica, calm, self." " Please, sit down." " Thank you." "It's really nice to meet you guys." "I can't believe I'm here." "Well, welcome to NYC, or should I say ..." "Why would you say that?" "Ok, what are you gonna be doing today?" "Oh, I want to see everything." "Time Square, Coney Island, Rockefeller Center..." "Oh, you know what you should do, you should walk all the way to the top of Statue of Liberty." " Oh yeah, let's do that!" " Great." "This baby better be really good." "Hi, excuse me." "I'm here to see my father." "My name is Rachel Green." "And I'm Dr Ross Galler." "Ross, please." "This is a hospital, ok?" "That actually means sth here." " So, can we plase go in?" " Absolutely." "Rach, I think I'm gonna wait out here because... my throat is feeling a little scratchy, I don't wanna infect him." "Ross, please, don't be so scared of him." "I am not scared of him, I'm really sick." "He's still under sedation, so he's pretty much out." "I'm feeling better." "Oh, my god." "Oh, wow, that ear and nose hair trimmer I got him was just money down the drain, huh?" "Miss Green, your father's doctor is on the phone if you'd like to speak to him." "Oh, great." "Uh, are you gonna be ok?" "He's unconscious, I think we'll be just fine." "Did the TV wake you?" "No, when you put your feet up on my bed, you tucked on my cathode." "Ouchy." "What are you doing here, Galler?" "Well, I came with Rachel who should be back any second." "So what's new?" "Ooh, I had a little heart attack." "Great, is it painful?" "What?" "A heart attack is sitting here talking to you." "Let's see if we can get Rachel back in here." "So what's new with you, huh?" "Knocked up any more of my daughters laterly?" "Nope!" "Just the one." "Rach!" "Noo!" "Ok, maybe if we just break it down." "Ok, let's just try one syllable at a time." "Ok, so repeat after me." "Great, ok, faster." "Ok, it's too hard, I can't teach you!" "What are you doing?" "I have to go before pull your head through a wall!" "No, no!" "Don't go, I need you." "My audition is tomorrow!" "Hey." "I was gonna make some dinner but all I found in your dad's frige was bacon and heavy cream." "I think we solve the mystery of heart attack." "Did you call your parents?" " Oh, yeah, Emma is doing great." " Oh, good." "Wow." "What?" "Just can't believe I'm in Rachel Green's room." "What do you mean?" "You have been in my room before." "Yeah, sure, right." "Like I have ever been in Rachel Green's room." "Ok, I gotta tell you, it's really weird when you use my whole name." "Sorry." " Are you ok?" " Yeah." "'Yeah' to a rough day, huh?" "Yeah, it's just so weird seeing him like that, you know?" "I mean, he's a doctor, you don't expect doctors to get sick." "But we do." "You know, he's gonna be ok, Rach." "Oh, I don't want him to wake up alone, I should go to the hospital." "What?" "No, no, wait." "Hey hey, look." "They gave him a lot medication, ok, he wouldn't even know if you were there." "Look, we'll go and see him the first thing in the morning, ok?" " Really?" "I shouldn't feel guilty?" " No, God." "Hey." "Rach, you've been an amazing doughter, ok?" "Right now, you just need to get some rest." "Ok, maybe you're right." "Good night." "Wait, wait." "Would you stay here with me for a while?" "Sure." "Thank you for coming with me today." "Oh, of course." "Rachel Green is very happy you're in her room." "Me, too." "Come here." "I just don't want to be alone tonight." "Ok, well, I can, maybe grab a sleeping bag or..." "No, Rach!" "I'm sorry, I just don't think this is a good idea." "We won't know that until we do it, will we?" "No, uh look, uhm..." "You are upset about your father and you're feeling vulnerable." "And I just don't feel it will be right if I'd like be, you know, taking advantage of you." "What taking advantage?" "I'm giving you the advantage, enjoy!" "Ok, I'm sure it would be great but..." "I think one of us has to be thinking clearly, so I'm gonna go." "I'll see you in the morning." "Haven't had sex in 4 months, I should get a medal for that!" "Thanks so much for taking me to all these places, I had a great time." "Oh, I'm glad." "Listen, I want to apologize about Chandler, though." "I just did not see this coming." "NY is awesome!" "What is with you?" "You know, I've been to these before but I've never really seen them, you know?" "Yeah, you missed a lot when you were mooing." "Thanks so much for showing me around." "Oh, it was our pleasure." "We're so much enjoying getting to know you." "Well, is there anything else you want to know?" "Oh, uh, ok." "Do you mind if I ask you some questions about the father?" "Oh, sure, yeah." "Well, he was my high school boyfriend, captain of the football team, really cute." "And he got a scholarship, went off to college." "That's great." "Yeah, it's almost definitely him." "How is that now?" "Well, there is a chance it's another guy." "I mean, I've only ever been with 2 guys but they sorta overlapped." "So, what does the other guy do?" "Does he go to the college, too?" "No, he's in prison." "Uh, was he falsely accused of sth?" "No." "He killed his father with a shovel." "But other than that he's a great guy." "I'll bet his dad doesn't think so." " Are you awake?" " Of course I'm awake." "As so from now on I'm always awake." "Alright, we don't know that it's him." "I mean, it could be the football guy." "Honey, it's us." "Of course it's the shovel killer." "Alright, alright, let's say it is him." "Would we not want baby?" "No." "Would we treat him any differently?" "I'll keep an eye on him." " We have to find out which one the father is." " How?" "I don't know, there're tests for these things, right?" "Yeah, but maybe we're just overreacting." "Easy for you to say." "He's a father killer." "He probably loves his mommy." "He's probably got a tattoo says "Mom" on the shovel wielding arm." ""We'll now count from 1 to 5: ....."" " "Good job!"" " Thank you." "Hey, Joey." "Listen, I feel really badly about yesterday and I thought it about a lot know I was too inpatient." "So let's try it again." "Oh no, that's ok." "I don't need your help." "I work it out on myself and I gotta say I'm pretty good." "Really?" "Can I hear some of them?" "Sure, sure." "Ok." "See?" "Alright, you're not, you're not..." "Again, you're not SPEAKING FRENCH!" "Oh, well I think I am, yeah." "And I think I'm definitely gonna get the part." "How could you possibly think that?" "For one thing, the guy on the tape said I was doing a good job!" "Hi, Rach, can you grab me a cup of coffee?" "Sure." "You've been quiet all morning, is everything ok?" " You sure you are alright." " Yep." "Ookay." "Uhm, well I'm gonna go grab some breakfast." " FYI..." " There it is." "In the future, when a girl asks for some ill-advised sympathy sex, just do it." "Wait, wait, you're mad at me about last night?" "I was just trying to do the right thing." "Really?" "Well it seems to me if you've done the right thing, I would not have woken up today feeling stupid and embarrassed," "I would have woken up feeling comforted and satisfied." " Well..." " Oh, stop that!" "I can't believe this." "What do you..." "I was just being a good guy." "I treated you with respect and understanding." "Ahh, that is so hot." "Hey, I was looking out for you." "Oh, really?" "Well Ross, you know what?" "I am a big girl, I don't need someone telling me what is best for me." "I gotta say I have not had sex a lot times before, this is the worst ever." "Oh really, really?" "Well, it wasn't very good for me, either." "Oh, ok, you know, hey hey!" "You know what?" "To avoid this little thing in the future, let's just say you and me, never having sex again." "What?" "That's right, sex is off the table!" "I'm never having sex with you again." "Dr Green, are you feeling better?" "Hey, how was lunch?" "We had a good time." "BTW, I want to ask you sth." "It would really mean a lot to me." "If the baby is a boy, would you name him after my father Jiminy Billy Bob?" "Oh, really?" "Noo." "You were right, that was fun." "I'm gonna go finish packing." "So, is she gonna take the test?" "No, she doesn't have to." "I found out who the father is." "Oh, God, it's Shovelly Joe, isn't it?" "No, it's not." "How do you know?" "Well, it turns out that Erica didn't pay much attention in sex ed class." "Because the thing she did with the prison guy would be pretty hard to make a baby that way." "Oh, God." "What was it?" "The thing we hardly ever do or the thing we never do?" "The thing we never do." "Shovelly Joe." " Whenever you're ready, Joey." " Right." "I'm sorry, what's going on?" "Dude, come on." "French it up." "Joey, do you speak French?" "You know what, I think this audition is over." "Uh, excuse me?" "Uh, I am Ugeon Phillogne." "I was passing by when I heard this man speaking the regional dialect of my French town of Estelloude." "You really think this man is speaking French." "Good job, little buddy." "That was some really good French." "But I think we're gonna go with someone else for the part." "Oh, alright." "But my French was good?" "It was great." "Merci." " Emmas's down for the night." " Oh, good." "So, I guess I'm gonna takeoff." "Hey, listen, just before you go, I..." "Again I just wanna say 'thank you' for coming with me." "Oh, no problem." "And also, you know I..." "I was thinking about what you said, uh, you know, about the whole sex thing and..." "Probably not a great idea to go down that road again." "Thank you." "I'm glad you agree." "It's shame though, I mean, when we did it, it was pretty good." "Yeah, yeah, that's true." "Hey, do you remember that one really great time?" "Oh, yeah." " You know, it was your birthday..." " It was Valentine's day..." " Oh, yeah." " Oh, yeah." "Well, I guess that's all the past now." "Uh-huh." " Not even one more time." " Not even once." " No matter how much we want it." " Even if we want it REALLY bad." "That's what WE decided." "Right." " It's kinda hard, though." " Yeah." "You know?" "When two people have a connection, you know, that's... just seems like... such a waste." "I hate waste." " Ross..." " Yes." "Just so you know, with us, it's never off the table." "Dammit, it's never off the table." "Ok, can you really tap dance?" "No." "Off the resume." " Archery?" " No." " Horseback riding?" " Would fall off a lot." "You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds?" "That I can do." "Come on, you can drink a GALLON of milk in 10 seconds?" "Alright, watch me!" "Ok, your time, are you ready?" "Ready, go!" "You did it!"