"( Taps glass ) thank you all for being here for our first year." "All of our lovely residents all looking so smart." "And for choosing us here at Lark Hall." "And for having a bit of faith in us." "And Merry Christmas." "All:" "Merry Christmas." "( All chatting )" " Cheers." " And a happy New Year!" "( pops )" "When a man grows old and his balls grow cold and the tip of his prick turns blue..." "When it bends in the middle like a one-stringed fiddle he can tell us a tale or two." "What did Father Christmas bring?" "I don't believe in him." "I shan't see another Christmas." "I'd shove my head in a gas oven." "( Toots )" "( breathes weakly )" "( mimics breathing )" "( stops breathing )" "Mommy!" "Mom!" " ( Mews )" " What?" "I'm busy!" " ( urinating )" " Ugh." "Arnold's dead." " Oops!" " Try and be careful." "now Arnold's dead?" " Get in there." " No." "But you get his sleeping bag when he's finished with it." "please?" "Eddie." "( Door creaks )" "Man:" "Go on then." "you idle monkey." "I'm not Daley shitting Thompson." "All right." "Keep your hair on." "Set?" "( Audio rewinding )" "Dad:" "I read in "the Daily Express"" "90% of small businesses go down the tubes apparently." "In the first year." "I should stop you reading that paper." "Bloke in Scarborough hung himself in his sporting goods shop." "But people don't need sporting goods." "aren't they?" "Steve." "Kiss kiss." "( Audio rewinding )" "( breathing weakly )" "( breathing over earphones )" "( wind howling )" " ( horn blares ) - ( tires screech )" "( crashes )" "What do you think you're playing at?" "I could've killed you." "come here!" "...And on Boxing Day we went to top of of Skidby Windmill and I got badge." "you got a badge." "Edward. went blue and died." "So far there has been no communication from him." "( Class laughs )" "What a plonker." "all right?" "please." "thank you." "But we've just moved all that in." "I'm moving it back out again." "isn't it?" "Who is he?" "Some gaga old fart social services have sent." "Lost his wife." "Lives in a camper van." "Like Popeye." "we can get your stuff just how you like." "You can take as long as you want." "That's not a word." "it is." "Taxi." "You're not playing properly." "Remember your first day at school?" "isn't it?" "it is a bit like that." "buddy." "Oh!" "I went as mad as her the first couple of nights." "Be quiet." "Otherwise the war will start again." "wetting themselves." "People you don't know telling you what to do." " I'm off." " Hey." "Just give it a go." "This is temporary." "This is only temporary." "Okay." "Why doesn't she let him go if he wants to go?" "She should do." "Then I can move back into me old room." "You can move back into your old room if you can pay us 50 quid a week." "ghost hunting and the search for life after death." "The most famous ghost hunters and their most famous cases." "And we are... your daughter is on the phone." "Mavis?" "Really?" "Mavis." "( laughing )" "Did a ghost leave these chilling messages asking for prayer..." "Wonder what you think are the chances of who's going to win." "Phil." "When a stamp costs hardly nothing?" "I want to watch" "Arthur C. Clarke." mum!" "I've been meaning to ask what you wanted doing with those." "Clarence wants to watch "one man and his dog." "He's the one who's paying." "You're a naughty girl." "It's about ghosts!" "We're all naughty girls." "ball bearings!" "I wouldn't mind being alone with that one in a one in a long dark railway tunnel." "Kath?" "sorry." "Yeah." "it's very important." "It's about recording ghosts." "It's a ghost-hunter saying what he does when he wants to hunt them." "come here." "would you mind" "Coming here if you're not too busy." "That's what I said." "Why can't you watch the TV upstairs?" "you ordered me to come in there." "The TV upstairs is haunted." "Why don't you do it then?" "darling." "dearest." "Doesn't matter." "And you didn't come over here last time." " Yes I did." " Why don't you listen?" "love." "Will you sort out the TV for him?" "you've just pitched all these knives and forks again!" "sir." "Arnold's ghost must have gotten into it when he died." "Arnold's ghost would have better things to do than hanging around in a telly." "ghosts." "You happy?" "...Thermometer to detect sudden fluctuations in temperature. one might consider bringing a dog or a cat as animals seem to react to supernatural activity." "Animals also provide much needed company." "Announcer:" "Price's methods were thorough and no-nonsense." "He believed it was only a matter of time..." "Dad?" "Can't imagine it's all that different." "A dog or cat allowed to roam freely." "it is imperative for a successful investigation that the entire building be cleared of inhabitants to allow the ghost hunter to work in controlled conditions and without interruptions." "( breathing )" "( coughs )" "( exhales )" "Bastards." "pigeon." "Are you a magician?" "No." "I'm a retired flasher." "This used to be my room until Arnold came." "Who's he when he's at home?" "He's not anybody now." "He's dead." "He died in that bed." "Do you think you can inform me?" "Do you think you can bugger off?" "( Grunts )" "Clive:" "Quack quack." "Quack quack." "Quack quack." "Ahh." "( Mumbles )" " What?" " One out." "Give me my ball back." "( Pots clatter )" "( mumbling )" "Come here." "You..." "Come here while I kick you." "You think they sent me here to be abused?" "Get stuffed!" "( Grunts )" "This is my house!" "( Sobbing )" "( knocks )" "Eddie." "( Alarm ringing )" "( beeping )" "Get out." "Clear off." "come on." "Never mind making a break for freedom." "( Howls ) all clear." "It's a false one." "you know?" "They are not toys." "They were little boys and girls as well once." "I don't want to live here!" "I want things to be like they were!" "I want my room back!" "by the time he's 13 he'll be sniffing glue out of a plastic bag." "Lilian." "Edward?" "What do you want to say?" "( Blows raspberry )" "where are you off to with a grump on?" "get yourself off to school." "Tell Mr. Kelly you had to go to the dentist." "Idiots." "Cow." "Wankerer." "( Engine idling )" "Mummy!" "Dad!" "Easy way out." "A coward's way out." "It was just a cry for help." "That's all." "Classic." "A what?" "big ears." "Steve." "How could we have let him get to that?" "Poor fellow." "We'll have to cheer this place up a bit." "I'm very sorry for smacking you." "You all right?" "Come here." "you know." "I never met my grandparents." "And my mummy and daddy" "Are too far away for us to see them much." "You've got all these old people around with all these amazing stories." "It's a privilege." "At least I think it is." "Do you?" "Mmm." "love." "It's all right to be sad." "There's no point being scared." "I'm not scared." "I just want to know what happens." "Woman over P.A.:" "Doctor Singh to Samuel Bailey Ward." "Doctor Singh to Samuel Bailey Ward." "( clatters )" " Nurse!" " Thought you might want your stuff." "Draw that curtain around." "And give me my left shoe." " Did you want one?" " No." "Ta." "( Footsteps approaching )" "Sorry for setting the fire bell off." "Sorry I put a lot of talcum on the floor in there." "Sorry for not saying sorry when you ran me over." "And that time I chucked dirt on your head." "That's an awful lot of things to be sorry for at such a young age." "Sorry." "Are you a magician?" "I gave it up." "Why don't you start again?" "Do me a favour." "When you..." "Did..." "Did you see any kind of bright white light?" "Or a tunnel with Jesus at the end?" "I did." "And then this cross-eyed little Herbert turned up and yanked me back out." "That's what you should be saying sorry for." "♪ That certain night ♪" "♪ The night we met ♪" "♪ There was magic ♪" "♪ Abroad ♪" "♪ In the air ♪" "♪ There were angels dining ♪" "♪ At the Ritz ♪" "♪ And the Nightingale sang ♪" "♪ In Berkeley square. ♪" "Can someone inform me what the hell you think you're playing at?" "I'm stuck up here on my own with nothing to keep my trousers up with." "Welcome home." "I could jump out the window." "( Door shuts )" "Bugger off." "please." "Sylvia:" "There must be some way we can find." "( popping )" "They say that love will find a way always." "Sylvia." "What I deserve are these crippled legs at best." "The chance to reflect on what I've done." "( snoring )" "( sobbing quietly )" "( floorboards creak )" "( chuckles )" "forget it." "How much did that cost?" "chuckle-bum." "How much is looking stupid?" "Stevie." "( Tapes clatter )" "You ought to watch where you're going." "This your grand passion?" "Yeah." "But I'm not supposed to." "They're all pictures of ghosts." "When I took that there was no one there." "Apart from that bloke." "( Man yelling )" "come here." " What?" " It's okay." " What's his problem?" " Who?" "Flash Gordon." " He was in a war." " Oh." "What about the others?" "Lilian's a bit miserable." "She trumps a lot." "Reg gets drunk." "Elsie used to be a dancing teacher but now she's got a plastic leg." "Prudence tears up toilet paper." "Ena thinks she's still the king's housemaid and she can't stop stealing stuff." "Clive's had a stroke so the only thing he can say is one out." "Rage." "Rage against the dying of the light." "( Upbeat music playing )" "♪ the wheels on the bus go round and round ♪ round and round ♪" "♪ He wheels on the bus go round and round ♪" "♪ All day long... ♪ don't they?" "♪ The dogs on the bus go woof woof woof ♪ woof woof woof ♪" "♪ the dogs on the bus go woof woof woof... ♪" "Jesus Christ almighty." "All day long." "♪ The babies on the bus go wa wa wa ♪ wa wa wa... ♪" "I can't put the two things together." "Lived on my own... not by myself..." "And the missus." "You live on your own all your life and then they think it's a great idea to shove you together with a load of strangers." "And what do the mummies on the bus say?" "if they've got any sense." "thank you." "Clarence." "♪ Mummies on the bus say hush hush hush ♪ hush hush hush... ♪" " Oh God." "I know somewhere that would cheer you up." "Clarence:" "You've got to be bleeding kidding." "Edward:" "Have one of your beers." "I want to show you something." "Are you interested in ghosts?" "not in the slightest." " I am." " So I've gathered." "I'm trying to catch one on tape." "Where you going?" "you know." "It's all a load of bollocks." " No it's not." " It is. only sleeping." "He's gonna be pissed off when he wakes up." "This is gonna bring my piles down." "I need a coin." "Now we have to dance around it 100 times." "The hand comes up and you can ask it questions." "Come on." "One." "Two." "98." " What's happening?" " Nothing much." "99." "100." "( Wind blows )" "there's lots of different ways to contact them." "Séances and Ouija boards. and say someone's name again and again and again and then they'll appear." "Does this apply to anyone?" "they have to be dead." "Is that your wife?" "She looks like dame Edna." "Shut up." "And now it's good night from me." "And it's good night from him." "Good night." " Good night." " Good night." "Good night!" "sweet ladies." "Thanks for the mystery tour." "I'm not that bothered in the future." "My name is Edward." "Mine's Clarence." "Prudence:" "Good night!" "Reg:" "I can't see the telly." "♪ Simply because you're near me ♪ but when you're near me ♪" "♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪" "♪ heaven is in your eyes ♪" "♪ bright as the stars we're under ♪ is it any wonder ♪" "♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪" "♪ why stop to think of whether ♪" "♪ this little dream might fade?" "♪" "♪ We put our hearts together ♪" "♪ now we are one ♪" "♪ I'm not afraid ♪" "♪ if there's a cloud above ♪ we'll let it... ♪" "( music continues )" "Annie." "Annie." "Annie?" "Annie." "Annie." "Annie." "Annie." "Annie." "Annie." "I'm knocking off." "That's a good idea." " I'm off down the ship." " Oh." "uh..." "You see "top of the pops" last night?" "I don't watch it." "Who was on?" "I don't watch it neither." "No." "You still with Mike or..." "I packed him in." "we're both going away soon." "University?" "That's it." "Wish I'd gone sometimes." "Failed my geography a level." "Didn't realize there was another question on the back of the page." "Finished half an hour before everybody else they're all bloody slow." "( laughs )" "Do you want a lift or anything?" "yeah." "If you like." "Good." "I'll just get me jacket on." "Steve." "What have you got on?" "just something I were bought for Christmas." "( Breathing weakly ) is it?" "Can't you find something more constructive to do?" "Learn a skill." "I only want to know what happens." "What happens is is you think the last thought you're ever going to think." "And then whatever it was that used to be you just goes." "it would be lovely." "I've got lots of things I'd like to say." "unfortunately." "That's horrible." "It can't just be black." "Don't take the piss." "It can't just be black." "You waiting for someone?" " Yes." " ( bell rings )" "A little lad." "is it?" "No." "Just a little lad." "( Children chattering )" "Gaylord." "You don't have to come and get me." "Don't you want a game?" "It's nice weather for one." "I don't like football." "I was wondering if you might accompany me on an expedition." "Dad:" "Two fat ladies... 88." "The bulb's broken." "Doesn't matter." "The darker the better." "for those of you there is absolutely nothing to be fearful of." "Ghosts are very friendly sorts." "They like a nice chin wag." "But they're very scared of loud noises and sudden movements." "Which is the reason why they are very rarely to be sighted for example." "You shouldn't joke." "It'll make them vengeful." "please accept my mortal apologies." "Now..." "Who are we hoping to contact tonight?" "Anyone." "we'll try for anyone." "Is there anybody there?" "Is there anybody there?" " Is there anybody there?" " ( bangs )" " Is someone in here?" " ( bangs )" " Who is it?" " Arnold?" "( Bangs twice )" " Someone else?" " ( bangs )" "Who?" "I think." "Is there life after death?" "( Bangs )" " What's it like?" " Is it nice?" "( Bangs )" "Are there any ghosts in this house?" " ( Rattles ) - ( gasps )" "Are there any nice ghosts in this house that don't want to scare anyone or cause any bother or nothing?" "( Bangs )" "There." "♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ dear Edward ♪" "♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪" "Good morning." "Morning." " Do you like it?" " Yeah." "( Motorcycle running )" "Thanks." "I'm going to have a shave." "please?" "Thank you." "It's a special and glorious day today." "Yeah." "Canada's a country." "And my big God-bothering girl Mavis is coming from there to see me today" "With her husband who's got a plate in his head." "little man." "She's 66 years old." "I'm 11." "isn't she?" "( Coughing )" "( thumps )" " Steve!" " What?" "Come here!" "Oh God." "fantastic." "( Car approaching )" "( doorbell rings )" "Someone answer the door!" "Lord and Lady Aggleshite?" "Tradesmen's entrance." "shake a leg." " Up." " I got her." "Mum." "mate." "quick smart." "she's fine." "She's fine." "( Thuds )" "What's all the fuss about?" "She's had it." "She's only just died." "Now stop that." "Stop what you're doing." "( Exhales )" "She's just in her room with her things." "It's hard to know what to say." "Oh." "I'm worried this is how the Yorkshire ripper must have started." "he's not gonna end up like the Yorkshire ripper." "Dad:" "What's wrong with playing with your Lego?" " Why are you so bloody morbid?" " 'Cause I live here." "Mum:" "We are doing our best." "Edward:" "We used to go away for the day on my birthday." "Eddie." "Dad:" "That doesn't entitle you to do whatever you bloody like." "( groans )" "( breathing heavily )" "( groans )" "I heard Lilian's ghost." "aaahh." "But I was too thick to turn the tape on." "that's the sound it makes." "It's the air passing over the vocal cords as it comes out of the lungs." "it's not." "Can we do another séance?" "The proper reaction is to mourn and to celebrate their achievements as human beings" "And then try to move on." "Not stick a microphone up their nose." "I used to have a room with Paddington bear wallpaper." "I used to have a beautiful wife and all my own teeth." "Buster." "And not always for the better." "You accumulate regrets." "And they stick to you like old bruises." "Sorry." "Many happy returns of the day." "I'll teach you a few tricks." "I'll do you a magic show." "And you can rub out all of today." "And you can ask your pals." "I don't want a party." "son." "you see?" "Keep it in the knuckles." "Go on." "You're lucky." "You're still flexible." "Go on." "Now make it disappear." "Go on." "( Chuckles )" "Pick it up." "Start again." "But it doesn't start until September." "What's that?" "Tanya." "Good God almighty." "Poor bunch of pricks." "ask him." "Ask him about your party." "all." "I don't understand." "It doesn't take five months to pack." "isn't it?" "I'll call you back later." "then?" "What was she like? unkind old ass-hole." " ( Playing piano ) - ♪ wish me luck ♪" "♪ As you wave me goodbye ♪ here I go ♪" "♪ On my way... ♪" "Tanya's resigned." " Can you believe that?" " She's what?" "mum?" "I know I was a prick." "Where did you pick up language like that?" " She give any details?" " I want a magic show." "you were a naughty boy." " Go on." "details?" " Mum!" "will you just get off our backs for one minute?" "We've got this blooming wake going on." "That's enough to deal with." "♪ Till we meet once again ♪" "♪ you and I ♪" "♪ Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye... ♪" "Maybe we should have a wee dance." "my dear." "not a tear ♪" "♪ make it gay... ♪" "Oh." "Go on then." "It'll do you go to have some other kids around." "She must have said something about why." "( Sobbing )" "Mum:" "I don't know what you're so upset about." "It's me who'll cop for the extra work." "don't I?" "sometimes I wish we did go bloody bankrupt." "♪ Till we meet once again ♪" "♪ You and I ♪" "♪ Wish me luck as you ♪" "♪ Wave me goodbye. ♪" "Cheers." "( Applauding )" "Find the lady." "Five will get you 10. 10 will get you 20." "Put your money in." "Where is she?" "there she is." " Oh!" " Not so bad here is it?" " No. this is a ladies bike." "It doesn't have a crossbar." "You see..." "She thought she was sitting on the crossbar all the way from Keighley." " But it was his stiffy." " Yeah." " Everyone all right?" " Yeah." "Fucking Christians." "You use two panes of very polished glass for pepper's ghost" "At an angle like that." "your assistant..." " You've had this." " What?" "buddy." "It's only Tuesday." "I do not believe that I have already had this week's." "I don't." "Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding." "Bugger off." "Can just be very small scale." "It could just be me and you." " What could?" " My birthday party. in case you hadn't twigged on." "what's the worst that could happen?" "Kids eat some cake." "We lift the grim bloody pallor of mortality for a few glorious moments." "Okay." "This one." "Got." "Got." "Need." " Oi." " What?" "We got P.E.?" "spastic." "Hey." "( Gasps )" "Shit." " ( Students gasp )" " Whoa!" "Wicked." "The light is on." "The light is on!" "You've got to flex it between your knuckles." "Don't drop it." "Flex it in your whatnots." "Bleeding hell." "you know." "Have you been pract..." "Give us your whatsits." "Doo-da." "are you?" "Why do you write so much on your arms?" "( Engine starts )" "Shall we go and get some magical items for your party?" "Dad ♪" "♪ You'll make a big hole in the yard ♪" "♪ Mother's just planted petunias ♪" "♪ The weeding and seeding was hard ♪" "Dad ♪" "♪ Why don't you give us a break?" "♪" "Dad ♪" "♪ And there you can jump in the lake. ♪" "( Horns honking )" "Whoops-a-daisy." "This is where we are then." "Find some items to make your party go with a swing." "It's funny. and then you can't find anywhere to put it." "Imagine that." "Imagine all the money I've spent." "All the bloody work I've done." "There." "you know." "She was very artistic." "Very gentle." "We were very happy." "What's this do?" " It tells the time." " Is it magic?" "it's a grandfather clock." "You've got to give 'em the patter." "Otherwise they'll latch onto you." "What's patter?" "She was very good at that as well." "She used to help me write my little funny lines and things." "I met her at Euston Station." "I saw her." "She passed me by." "I went after her." "I had a ten Bob note in my pocket." "You don't see them any-more." "They were red. but I think you might have dropped this." "I did." "Thank you." "So I took her to Lyons Corner House. as it were." "as they say." "Was that." "Oh God." "Clarence:" "I haven't the faintest idea why they scrapped them." "shillings." "You don't know what change you're getting nowadays." "uh..." "And..." "Where is this?" " ( Tires squeal ) - ( horns blare )" "Clarence?" " Patter." " What?" "you're driving on the..." "Clarence!" "I..." "Dad ♪" "♪ You'll make a big hole in the yard ♪" "Man:" "You shouldn't be driving." "( closes door )" "You okay? I used to remember looking up lying on my back and looking up at the stars and thinking what a great big university it is." "Universe." "well yeah." "Now they're very very small." "It's all shut up shop. they don't whatnot." "And the whole bloody thing... has ended up on little... me." "You can take it to a garage." "What?" "Oh." "( Engine sputters )" "when you die then you come back to life. you're born again." "Then you die again." "you come back to life." "Sounds exhausting." "I'd want to come back as an animal." "A rabbit or badger or something." "I like badgers." "What's so good about badgers?" "I like badgers because they're bad tempered and they look good." "And you can make sporrans out of badgers. you'd get a chance to put it right again." "Let me tell you a secret." "Being a person is a pain in the ass." "No it's not." "Yes it is." " Clarence." " What?" "If you die will you come back and see me?" "Jesus wept." "Chuck that thing away." "Chuck it." "Chuck it away." "Chuck my bloody tricks away." "( Grunting )" "What did you do that for?" "I'm pissing against the wind." "I'm drenching my Macintosh." "son." "you can't talk to them." "If I could just say I'm sorry... what a difference that would make." "son." " She divorced me." " Who?" "Annie." "I wouldn't settle down." "I couldn't keep it in my trousers." "I was a good-looking fella." "Then one day I came back home and she..." "Many years later" "I got a letter saying that she had..." "I was too late for her bloody funeral." "I've never even seen her grave." "It's hard to get this far and realize there's absolutely bloody nothing." "You said you were happy." "Who's happy?" "We could do another séance." "Don't be retarded." "I made it up." " I did it all for your benefit." " What?" "sod off." "I want to be by myself." " Clear your own stuff up." " I will." "Badgers are stupid." " ( Dryers humming )" " Ow!" "love." "Coo-ee." "You getting your rabbit in your hat?" "I'm shoving it up your bum." "( Audio rewinding )" "doesn't it?" "Oh." "I wasn't really thinking about anything very much." "I was thinking about having my dinner." "( Chuckles )" "I mean about... life being too short." "All that bollocks." "Steve-o?" "Kath and I and all used to have an awful lot of fun." "Seems to escape you." "Tanya." "Don't go to university." "If you stay here we could date." "what?" " Do you think I'm attractive?" "Stevie." "I'm 18 years old." "it's fantastic." "like 45?" "I'm 39." "Going on bloody geriatric." "( knocking )" "Clarence:" "Kidda..." "I'm thinking of doing the card finding duck." "Go away." "It takes two people." "Tough titty." "I don't want any bloody magic." "Has got six marbles." "has got 12." "has got four." "What percentage of the bag does each one have?" "Five minutes." "the both of you." "Have some manners." "But he's an old folk's homo." "what's that smell?" "it's wee." "Ben:" "No wonder he's a complete weirdo." "♪ Happy birthday to you ♪" "♪ Happy birthday to you ♪" "♪ Happy birthday dear Edward ♪" "♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪" "( Cheering ) make a wish." "before that senile old bat." "( Pop music playing )" "( farts ) did you make that smell?" "( record scratches ) carry on." "I am perfectly capable." "( Scratches ) he's out." "He moved." "I've been moving without a break since 1917." "I can't do anything else." "( Music resumes )" "you." "Reg the hair." "Get up." " Get up!" " Oh!" "Now move." "( Music playing faintly )" "Can you do your magic show?" "What?" "You sure?" "You got any kids?" "please put your hands together for the amazing Clarence." "( Cheering )" "Thank you." "I'm not the sort of magician who drags you through endless mysteries" "I'm pretty straightforward." "And I don't do card tricks." "Aw!" "( Gasps )" "( applause ) maybe one or two." "applauding ) please?" "Any card." "Any card." "Thank you." "Look at it." "Don't tell me what it is." "don't tell me." "Don't tell me." "Put it back." "I have a friend that will do that for me." "Ronald the card-finding duck." "He is going to find your card for you." " ( Crowd gasps )" " Oh!" "Quack quack." "please?" "You?" "Another volunteer." "Come on." "who?" "Who?" "sir?" " No no no." " Absolutely not." "No no." " ( applauding )" "They would sit knitting and eating frogs... ( boy groans ) and watching people having their heads cut off." "( Gasps )" "( gasps )" "Unfortunately they found that the guillotine was susceptible to the power of raspberries." "They found that if you got enough people the blade would be diverted from its fatal course." "Which is why okay?" "Let's have a dry run." "( Blowing raspberries )" "( silence )" "I think we're ready." " Blow." " ( blowing raspberries )" "( screaming )" "( screams )" "love." "( Clamouring )" "There's blood everywhere." "great." "no no no." " Let go!" "Any other medication?" "I'm on pills for me..." "I'll be buggered." "Don't put your finger in it." "One out." "( Whistling )" "Did you have any?" "It's gone crusty." "eh?" " Get this candle lit." " I don't want any." "Have some cake." " What's the matter?" " I live in an old people's home." "I live in an old people's home as well." "It's not easy for anybody." "You realize this will now be the place you send your elderly loved ones don't you?" "It was an accident." "Where do you get off sticking up for him all the time?" " He's not your granddad." " I wish he was my dad." "he's going senile." "Haven't you noticed?" "So you'll just have to settle for Mr. Knobhead here." "Why'd you have to go and say that?" " He'll find out sooner or later." " Let me go!" "Eddie." "Some people don't die just like that." "Not like Lilian." "they take a bit longer." " They fade." " I know what senile is!" "love." "you are!" "they're just clients." " You shouldn't get so involved." " What about you?" " What?" " Getting involved." "Tanya." "Don't go to university." "If you stay here we could date." "what?" " Do you think I'm attractive?" "Stevie." "I'm 18 years old." "like 45?" "I'm 39." "Going on bloody geriatric." "Steve." "I can't support my family." "I'm a rotten bloody father and terrible husband and nobody but you has a single bloody second for me." "Tanya." "I think I love you." "I do." "( tape stops )" "eh?" "Maybe if you paid me a bit of attention every now and again." "Mum:" "What's the bloody problem with getting your head down" "And just getting on with it for a few months?" "Do you not see beyond the next nice pair of tits?" "I have never been unfaithful to you." "Not in 15 years." "Steve." "All the time you never do anything other than complain." "It's exhausting." "Why don't you just go?" "come on." " I'm sick of it." "Go on." "( car starts )" "There." "Oh." "Reggie." "Thank you." "do you?" "No no." "We've got to straighten you out haven't we?" "yes." "Come along." "( Knocks ) love." "get up." "I want to talk." "Edward." "Eddie?" "went to Edward's birthday party." "There were a wizard who cut an old man's finger off." "It were extremely wicked." "please." "1.80." " That's a lot of ready cash." " He's my granddad." "possibly." "There have been many women." "( Honks )" "When are we going home?" "Come on." "I want to be where my stuff is." "Come here." "come here." "Come here." "That was a cheap bloody trick." "Pull the red whatchamacallit." "we're going." "Pull the whatchamacallit." "I'll pull it if you tell me what it's called." "I know it's red." "What's a divorce like?" " What?" " A divorce." "I should think." "Come on." "Is it still there?" "What?" " Is it?" " What's the matter?" "Is the..." "Is the ground still there?" "sky." "Ground." "Ow!" " Oi!" " Concentrate!" "Any danger of a cup of tea and a pork pie?" "Did I already ask that?" "Thank you." "Stay here." "My name is Clarence Parkinson." "And England is my nation." "My teacher's name is Mrs. Scott." "And Christ is my salvation." "Clarence!" "Come here!" "That's the same name as my missus." "I know." "Oh no." "Oh God." "sod off." "Sod off." "sod off." "Sod off." "Put 'em down then." "Put 'em down." "Get it off your..." "Don't." "Don't." "You've spoiled them." "Yeah." "I've spoiled haven't I?" "It's all right." "You know what it's going to say on my gravestone?" "Here lies Clarence B. Parkinson." "He was born." "He F***'ed it up." "And then he died." "What's your name?" " Eh?" " Edward." "Things aren't exactly as they ought to be." "Have you any idea what it is?" "There's something the matter." "The name on that gravestone is the same name as my wife." "Leave it." "I'm gonna go call my mum." "today's the first time we've spent more than half an hour with each other without a bloody fogey or shitty ass or liquidized bloody carrots getting in the way for a year." "Because our kid's run off because he hates us so much because of what we do." "it's..." "What we do is good." "Steve." "You asked me to marry you." "We had a baby." "Do you remember how much..." "Do you remember how hard we tried for him?" "Yeah." "That was the journey we decided to make." "And there might be a few less dates but..." "Sorry." "love." "It's just over here." " I thought I was outside." " Come on." "You come with me." "That's it." "right?" "And obviously your mum and me sometimes... ( sighs ) I can be a grumpy bum." "love." "It's just... are you not going to live at home?" "I don't know." "But you must never think ever that you're not absolutely" "The most important thing in the world to your mum and me." "Do you understand?" "When's he going to die?" "Look after him." "Just let me look after everybody." "I'm a little bit bored with you men and your problems" "Edward." "Sometimes you just have to learn to let things go." "I know." "where've you been?" " Go back to sleep." " I've been looking for you" " All over the damn place." " Oh God help us." "another wild and woolly one who can't cope with himself." "I'm sorry." "to just tell you" "That I'm sorry..." "I got distracted." "If I had my time over again..." " If I had it again..." " Shh shh shh." " Annie..." " I forgive you." "( Softly ) I forgive you." "I'm gonna be very sad to see you go." "You've really made a difference in my life." "You've given me something to shoot for. that I'm gonna have a chance to travel through time..." "It's gonna be really hard waiting 30 years" "Before I can talk to you about everything that's happened in the past few days." "Marty." "Marty:" "I'm really gonna miss you." "wasn't it?" "That one was magic." "did you like the bit with the skateboard?" "I was there too." "Oh no." "You sure?" "Yeah." "You coming in?" "A couple of minutes can't hurt." "didn't you?" "Dad." "Can I have a word?" "Most assuredly." "With him." "isn't it?" "It's October." "uh..." "The large plants you get in the garden." "Trees." "You're not doing that trick right." "You've got to give it some patter." "Words." " Why don't you just..." " What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head?" "Russell." "What do you call a man with a license plate on his head?" "Reg." "What do you call a man with car on his head?" "Seatbelt?" "Good lad." " Can I have my fiver now?" " Your what?" "You said you'd give me a fiver" " If I got it right." " What a load of bollocks." "( Knocks on door )" "Come in." " We have to be off." " Where are we going?" "Pictures." "Tata for now." "I was wondering whether you wanted to move back into your old room." "I'm okay where I am." "wasn't he?" "Wicked." "( laughs )" "Oh yeah." "he scores!" "Come on then." "Pass it!" "One out!" "( laughs )" " Come on then!" " ( groans ) old man." "( Growls )" "magic man!" " One out!" "look." "Abracadabra." "Oh." "Edward:" "Where are you going?" "Out." "That's all." "You never go out." "Well... aren't they?" "Why'd you have to put make-up on?" "Because..." "I don't know." "It makes you feel a bit more human." "You look like a vampire." "( Doorbell buzzes ) big ears." "You look nice." " You ready?" " Yeah." "BRITISH ENGLISH SDH"