"Good morning, Greendale!" "As you know, it is april fool's day." "Just kidding..." "It's the day before april fool's." "You know what, Leonard?" "Strike two!" "Anyway, just reminding you to keep any april fool's prank physically safe, politically balanced, and racially accessible." "When in doubt, check the guidelines in our college pranks literature." ""Guidelines for school-sanctioned pranks."" "Reminds me of my favorite college comedy." " Which one?" " Exactly." "The dean doesn't get it." "The point of a practical joke is to shake up the system." "For example, who wants some of these?" "Cool, yeah." " Looking for something?" " Nice." "They allow volunteers for campus security during times of heightened shenanigans." "I want to be security." "Let's do it together." "We can be partners." "That's a buddy cop movie I would watch." "But who would be by the book, and who would be the bad-ass." "Abed, you're so silly." "I'd be the bad-ass." "Greetings, mortals!" "Morning!" "Snake in a can?" "No, thanks." "I'm fasting." "My buddhist church is having its annual ascension ceremony, and I will be becoming a level six laser lotus." "I know." "I was speechless too." "Anyway, I have to detoxify for the ceremony." "I get all the nutrients I need with salt water and honey." "Even better if it goes down the wrong... the wrong pipe." "So what happens in level six?" "Nobody in my hive has ever seen a six." "But from what I hear, I'll have immunity to germs, psychic ability, and improved night vision." "Any bonuses to your kombat score?" "I assume I'll fight better if I can see more." "Dumb ass." "Pierce, I just remembered." "Right before you got here, some guy was delivering level six ceremonial robes?" "What?" "!" "Why didn't you tell me?" "If you run, you can catch him." "Way to use your brain, Winger." "How fast can you run to the theater department?" "37"." "Don't come back without something ridiculous." "Got it." "You realize you're exploiting the naivete of a man who is being brainwashed by a cult?" "It sounds a lot less fun when you say it." "Everything does." "She's a buzz kill." "I'm not a buzz kill." "That doesn't really describe it." "You're more of a fun vampire, because you don't suck blood, you just suck." " He wasn't there." " I think Abed found him." "Give me that." "Amazing." "It is absolutely gorgeous." "How do I look?" "Magical." "Great." "Of course, the only one who doesn't like this is Britta." "Do you ever get tired of being a buzz kill?" " Feygnasse Team " ".:" "La Fabrique :." "1x20:" "The Science of Illusion" "This is gonna be exciting, ladies." "I hereby deputize you as campus security for 48 hours." "Windbreakers." "Whistles." "I only have the one pepper spray." "It's mine." "But I'll get my groceries in a better neighborhood." "I'll carry it." "Between the two of us, I'm sort of the bad-ass." "You are?" "How do you figure?" "How did you figure I wasn't?" "I guess I didn't figure" "'Cause I was busy being the obvious bad-ass." "Sounds like we're both pretty convinced." "We'll find out who's right once we're on the job." "I guess we will." " Sorry, what is going on here?" " A twist on a classic formula." "With buddy cops, one's a straight-laced stickler, and the other's a renegade." "But these two have equal claim to both roles." "And why are you here?" "Short answer:" "My cable went out." "Can I run something by you?" "I was thinking of pulling a little prank tonight." "For april fool's, a prank." "You know how they have live frogs in the anatomy lab?" "I was gonna sneak in there, get a frog, and then tomorrow, when señor Chang's class is coming in, there will be a frog on his desk, wearing..." "You're done." " Did you read the hat?" " Señor Chang." " You don't get it." " I guess I don't." "The frog is Chang." " I did get it." "It's funny." " I know it's funny." "I forgot..." "It's not your kind of joke." "It's not at anyone's expense." "Why waste your time envying my gift for levity when there's so much you could be doing with your natural talent for severity?" "My prank will cause a sea of laughter, and I am gonna watch you drown in it." "That a girl!" " Seven." " That's right." " I can read minds." " No way." "What color am I thinking of?" "Pink?" "What the hey?" "Must be the robe." "Cookie crisp." "Cookie crisp." " Is he talking to me?" " No." "That guy came back that brought your robes and said he forgot to deliver this." "What is it?" "He said it focuses your powers?" "Is that a cookie?" "Maybe it's a piece of meteor." "Buddha arrived on a meteor!" "When was the last time he ate?" "I am the coolest guy in the world." "Hello, Mr. Frog." "Can I borrow you for a second?" ""I am señor Chang." "Now tell me that's not funny." "Wait!" "Here froggy, froggy." "Here froggy." "Now real quiet." "That's horrible!" "What makes it worse is this was a brand-new sign." "I don't want this to tarnish our school's reputation." "Don't worry, our school's reputation is worse than this." "Here's our campus security." "Stop right there." "Ladies, don't pull up..." "Mornin', boys." "I'm Annie Edison." "People call me "psycho" 'cause I had a breakdown in high school." "My partner's a christian housewife." " Can we help you?" " Can we not help you?" " I tend to play by my own rules." " She loves rules." "I only have one." "Stay out of my way." "Stay out of mine more." "You know what?" "This is misdemeanor vandalism." "You can take care of it yourselves." "Wait, wait, wait..." "What?" " Call us when you find a perp." " Yeah, we'll be waiting." " You go." " Look what you have done!" "Tell them they got 24 h to solve the case." "You have 24 hours to solve it, or else." "Figure it out!" "That's the poster." "This is the part of my job that I enjoy the least." "The part where I inform you that, last night, someone murdered a partially clothed animal and threw a human corpse out a window." "You can thank the person that did it, a person that may be in this room, for the fact that, from now on, april fool's day is banished." "At Greendale, april 1st is officially march 32nd, forever!" "How do you know it was one of us?" "If I may answer a question with a question, why are you dressed like a wizard?" "Is he having a stroke?" "I'll tell you how I know!" "Security officers Bennett and Edison found this at the scene." "This hat says "Chang" on it." "We ruled out your teacher, 'cause he has a crippling fear of frogs." "I told you that in confidence!" "How about whoever did this just fesses up?" "That wasn't just a cadaver that was thrown out that window." "It was a person." "With family and friends." "And for every day that nobody confesses, this class will be meeting one of them." "Glenda!" "I apologize." "Can you come on in here?" "And tell us about your son." "Hello, everyone." "Harry was a wonderful man." "He kept a dream journal." "Page one." ""I had that dream" ""again"" ""where I'm in a forest." ""But the trees are pencils."" "Impressive." "And hilarious." " You gonna'fess up, weirdo?" " It wasn't me." "And even if it was," " this was an accident." " I knew it." "Well done." "If I come forward, it's gonna play into the whole" ""Britta's a buzz kill" mythology." "Well, the toe tag fits, Britta." "You single-handedly killed an entire school's buzz, not to mention a frog." "And according to Glenda, cadaver Harry had 13 nieces and nephews that I'm not interested in meeting." "So you better think about coming clean or I'm just gonna tell everybody you did it." "Star-burns doesn't do very much." "I guess fascinating people don't resort to shapes on their faces." "He makes a false move, I'm gonna Shirley on him." "That's what my high school friends called crazy." "Yeah?" "Are you gonna go Shirlier than I did when I got addicted to pills?" "Why you concerned with being a bad-ass?" "Everyone thinks of me as a little girl!" "I wanna be in charge of how I'm defined." "How do you think I feel?" "You have two kids, and they stick you." "I'm not done yet." " I still got moves." " I haven't even started yet." "I've got moves I haven't even seen before." "Blocked call." "The man you're looking for is Jeff Winger." " Jeff Winger." " Who is this?" "I didn't recognize the voice." "They say Jeff Winger's our man." "Drop 'em if you smoke 'em." " Cut to action sequence." " Let's roll." "Security comin' through." "Mr. Winger." "Cagney, Lacey." "What can I do you for?" " Just doing a routine search." " What is this?" "What do you have here?" " That's my chest." " Why don't you spread 'em?" "I can pat too." "I can do it too." "So, what do you got in the bag?" "Let's see what we have here." "Holy Mary, mother of pearl." "What do we have here?" "Looks like enough tiny items to equip an amphibious mariachi band." "Of frogs." "That is not my stuff." " Britta planted that." " Sure she did." "Tell that to what our equivalent of a judge is." "He's getting away!" "I'm not gonna like you!" "He's right there." "You gotta go faster!" " What are these doing here?" " He's getting away!" " Go after him on foot." " I'm going after him on foot." " Cut on the other side." " I'm cutting on the other side!" "Tell me what you doin'." "Stop, or I'll shoot!" "I said stop!" "Oh, it burns!" "Great." "He got away!" "Good job." "He got away because of your driving, grandma." "I beg your pardon." "Hannah Montana!" "I'm sorry." "Are you hard of hearing?" "This is why you have hardly any friends." " Looks like I have one less." " Do I look like I'm crying?" "These are not tears!" "This is self-inflicted friendly fire, okay?" "That's what happens to children!" "You have no idea..." "Excuse me..." "I have to go to the bathroom." "I'll give you the rest of these chocolate if you save my seat." "I don't want you to feel judged by this, but your handling of this job has disappointed me." "Your high-speed pursuit caused" "$78 dollars worth of damages." "And you didn't even get a statement out of Mr. Winger?" " He got away." " He ran between two poles." "I see how that would be frustrating, but the fact is..." " Your ass is on the line." " My ass is on the line." " You got off the phone with the mayor." " I got off the phone with the..." " What?" "The mayor?" "Stop doing that!" " You're not doing this right." "Maybe you should do it." "I'm sick and tired of making excuses for you two!" "You're embarrassing the department!" "You're off the case and off the force." "Your badges, your windbreakers, now." "Now!" "I ain't got all day!" "Agitated my sciatica." "I'm too old for this!" "Now get out of my sight." "Thought you were bad-asses." "Real bad-asses work together." "All I see is a housewife and a girl scout." "I said get out!" "And don't even think about getting near this case." "Pretty harsh." "Don't worry." "That's what they needed." "That was embarrassing." "I know." "That african-american police chief character Abed was playing was right." "We should have worked as a team." "I don't know about you." "I don't need a badge to finish this." "I say we nail Winger to the wall." " Together?" " Together." "How do you spell "testicles"?" "Nice frame job, Britta-Dict Arnold." "Colonial burn." "Where is that trademark gift for levity?" "Well, well, well." "Look who we found." "Yes, how foolish of me to hide in my regularly scheduled study group." "Let's just do this the easy way." "Confess." "I can prove that Britta has thrown the body." "How?" "Britta was going to put a frog wearing a sombrero on Chang's desk because that's the kind of thing she thinks is funny." "Don't you?" "Then why is there a photo on your facebook page of a cat wearing a necktie?" "It's my cat." "And the tie makes him..." "Formal." "This investigation is going nowhere." "You need a psychic." "Perfect." "This process may alarm you." "So gay." "Dark nightclub." "Throbbing music." "Men's roo..." "Men's room stall." "Penis!" "Two penises!" "This is gay!" "It's so gay!" " What?" " Sit down!" "We'll take it from here." "Where were you last night?" " At a bar." " Called it!" " Who can confirm that?" " Your mama." "What the hell, Annie?" "Her name's not Annie." "It's psycho." "And I'd tell her what she wants to hear." "That's right, because if I hand you off to Shirley, you're gonna enter a kitchen of pain." "Guys, stop it!" "Stop it." "I did it." "I framed Jeff." "I'm sorry, Jeff." " But why?" " Because I'm a buzz kill, that's why." "Because... that's who I am." "That's my role." "You guys, you create fun, and I destroy it." "Of course a silly little joke ends with a... a dead body on the lawn." "I should have known that." "But I wanted to do it, 'cause I wanted to be like you." "I wanted to be funny." "Knock knock!" "Who's there?" "Cancer!" "Good!" "Come on in!" "I thought it was Britta!" "I actually wanna be taken more seriously." "The only reason I slammed Jeff's head against the table was because I wanted to feel like an adult." "Like Shirley!" "And I wanted to feel younger, like Annie." "It's not that I'm really old, people don't know how young I really am." "I'm doing it again." "I hate that I obsess about my age." "I wish I was really magic." "You know you're not?" "Somebody must have sent these robes by accident." "I only pretended I was level six to impress you guys." "I got held back!" "I don't deserve this buddhist meteor wand." "It's not a meteor!" "It's a cookie wand!" "Me and Jeff made it because it made you look more like the cookie crisp wizard." "Which is not even a reference I get because the cookie crisp mascot wasn't a wizard when I was a kid." "It was a burglar." "I just... pretended like I knew because I wanted Jeff to think I was smart." "Great, I did again!" "I killed the buzz." "Maybe... maybe "buzz kill" is a bad choice of words." "What's a good choice of words?" "Look, I have no... you're like the dark cloud that unites us." "Or the anti-Winger." "You're the heart of this group." "I don't have a... real handle on all this mushy stuff." "If I did, then we wouldn't need you." " Get over here." " Really?" "Let's never let Jeff divide us again." "Why are you and I the only sane..." "Just watch." "It's beautiful." " Troy, do you want a bite of my wand?" " I do." " We really appreciate you doing this." " Sure." "Troy and Abed in the mornin'." "We're back." " Look who's here." "Jeff Winger." " Jeff, how do you stay so fit?" "Diet, exercise, genetics." "Sure." "It seems we have a clip." "You wanna set it up for us?" "I'd like to, but I don't know what you're talking about." "We'll just roll it." "My name's Jeff Winger." "I'm Jeff Winger." "I'm so tall." "This watch is expensive." " Muscles are everywhere." " That was really funny." " What's going on?" "Where is the camera?" " We're not filming this." " No, who'd want to watch this?" " Oh, guys, it's 6:00 a.m." "Jeez!" "We're not gonna have him back." " Troy and Abed in the mor..." " No!"