"How did I get here?" "No, I didn't remarry, and no, my kitchen appliances did not give out at once." "I guess it all started about a week ago you sure you don't want to wait for the bathroom?" "Yeah." "No time." "I'm already late for that school thing." "Okay, how do I look?" "Okay." "Wait a minute." "I think got some lipstick smushed in the bottom of my bag." "Now?" "What else you got in there?" "He was right." "I looked like hell." "I knew what I had to do." "Now you might think pretending to buy makeup so you can use all the free testers is dishonest, but I prefer the term resourceful."" "You know, if you like that lip gloss, you're gonna love this new eye cream we have on sale." "Have you tried it?" "It smoothes and tightens." "Look, let me stop you right there." "I'm in sales, too, so I know all the tricks." "Don't bother." "Okay, well, I just thought you might like it." "Refreshes the aging areas around the eyes and makes you look less tired." "Less tired?" "Really?" "Mm." "Wow." "I do look less tired." "Yikes." "20 bucks for this tiny jar?" "But if I look less tired, who knows, maybe I could save money on coffee." "I'll take it." "Oh." "Oh, and do you, by chance, have any free lipstick samples in... this color?" "The next day I was still feeling pretty good about treating myself." "My eyes looked bigger, and the shape of the toaster helped." "♪" "Axl, your backpack is crying." "Ugh!" "Again?" "I gotta take care of this stupid baby thing for a week for health class." "They said they'd teach us about sex ed." "What do babies have to do with sex?" "They ruin it." "Yeah, well, there's some computer chip that keeps track of its mood, how much it cries over the next week, how well I take care of it." "It's supposed to teach me responsibility." "Okay." "I'm gonna go shoot some hoops with the guys." "Later." "Whoo." "Whoa." "No, you're not allowed to have a baby and then go shoot hoops." "I tried." "Yeah." "You're on your own." "The next time your dad and I change a diaper, it'll be each other's." "Oh, my God." "I can't believe you won't support me." "This is, like, 80% of my grade, and I already failed personal hygiene." "Axl, that's not our... how do you fail personal hygiene?" "It's all politics." "Mm." "Well, sorry." "We're not paying the price 'cause you don't know how to work a washcloth." "Oh, nice grandparenting." "You know, this is what's wrong with society." "Your generation is so selfish." "Enjoy this time with the baby, before it learns to talk." "Mom, axl says I'm the plastic baby's aunt, and I have to change it." "Is that true?" "Axl, change your own plastic baby!" "Hey, look close at me." "Does anything on my face look smoother or tighter?" "Oh, yeah, definitely." "Where am I looking?" "Yeah, well, it looked better in the toaster." "Can I try?" "All right, go easy." "It wasn't cheap." "Whoa!" "$200?" "!" "Mom, you paid $200 for this?" "No, no, no. $20." "But you know what?" "Don't tell your dad." "Unh-unh." "I'm pretty sure that says "$200."" "Look at the two little zeros there." "Are you serious?" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God." "Are you okay?" "Your face is starting to look really tight now." "No!" "I thought it was $20." "I didn't look at the credit card receipt because I was in too much of a rush." "Okay, scoop it back in." "Scoop it back in." "Don't let it absorb." "Oh, no!" "Are we gonna lose the house?" "You know, a lot of the parenting books advise against that." "Yeah, I got no choice, dad." "I'm at level seven of my game, and I can't blow away pimps and feed a baby at the same time." "Yeah, that's not going anywhere." "Quick trip to the mall." "No reason." "Don't be buying a bunch of stuff we can't afford." "Hi." "I don't know if you remember me, but I was here yesterday." "Of course I remember you." "Hi!" "How's that new eye cream working out for you?" "Do you love it?" "Well, here's the thing..." "I don't." "I wanted to love it..." "I really did... but I used it three times and look, I'm not smooth or tight." "I'm..." "I'm sorry." "We can't take it back if it's been used." "Oh, no, no." "I didn't use it." "The seal's broken." "You sold me used eye cream?" "Can you call the manager, please?" "No, you know what?" "I'm feeling nice today, so how about you just refund my money, and I won't press charges?" "I'm willing to bet that's your fingerprint in there?" "Okay, can I be honest with you?" "So far, I'd say no." "Here's the thing... see, I thought that was $20, not $200!" "I never would have bought it if I thought it was $200." "I mean, $200 for that tiny jar?" "That's insane!" "Actually, it's quite reasonable." "This is made from the bladr of a mule from France." "For $200, I could've bought that mule." "You're not getting a refund." "Fine." "You know, I spend a lot of money in this store, but from now on, I will be taking my business elsewhere." "Axl, give your baby a bottle." ", that's not the bottle cry." "Little brick must've pooped himself." "Stop calling him that." "What?" "You're his favorite uncle." "It's an honor to have him named after you." "I can't take it anymore." "I have a fire drill tomorrow." "If I'm gonna keep my hands to myself and line up in an orderly fashion," "I need my sleep." "Psst." "Hey, you can stay in here." "Really?" "You sure?" "Yeah, it'll be fun." "I've always wanted to have a roommate." "Here, you can take this half of the bed, and why don't you take woofy dog?" "You know what?" "Actually, I need woofy dog." "Hey, thanks." "Axl's baby's driving me crazy." "Even when he smothers it, you can still hear it." "Hey, would you ladies keep it down in here?" "I finally got little brick to sleep." "I said, stop calling him that!" "I have an idea." "Wanna have some fun, roomie?" "Ugh!" "I was up all night." "I'm exhausted." "This baby never stops crying." "Can I just say, this is my favorite homework assignment you've ever had?" "What?" "He likes it when I do this." "God, when do kids become less annoying?" "I'll let you know." "Man, I hate this table." "Just tell him." "There's never gonna be a good time." "Of course, we can't afford a new one." "Damn it!" "That was a good time." "Hey, you want to hear a funny story?" "Oh, is it something about axl and his baby?" "'Cause I got one after you." "Uh, not exactly, but I think you're gonna find this really, really hilarious." "See, on the way to that school thing the other night, in, like, a moment of extreme, extreme weakness," "I bought this eye cream." "Wow." "Yeah, you are a sucker." "What's that, a dropperful?" "I know." "It's insane, right?" "Pretty insane." "Well, what'd you pay for it?" "How much do you think would be a funny amount?" "10 bucks." "Funnier." "$15." "Funnier." "I'm hoping it doesn't get much funnier than $20." "$200!" "What?" "!" "It was a mistake..." "a stupid, stupid mistake, and I have no excuse." "Look at how tiny those zeros are." "And I didn't have my glasses." "But I have no excuse, no excuse at all." "Mike?" "Okay, well, we needed that $200 for the property taxes this month." "So..." "I guess I'll call Bob and ask if he knows about any extra shifts at little Betty." "We gotta make up that mon somehow." "I'm really sorry, Mike." "I still wanna hear your funny axl story." "Okay, you can tell me later." "How great was that last night, roomie?" "We must've woken up axl's baby ten times." "What?" "Why does fun always have a price?" "Relax." "This should be easy." "All we have to do is pull out all the loose pieces before applying the spackle." "Loose pieces." "They're all loose pieces!" "It wasn't fair for Mike to take on extra work to make up for my stupid, stupid mistake." "So I slapped on 30 bucks' worth of useless mule bladder and went looking for a second job, too." "Sorry." "We're looking for someone with a specific..." "Style." "Younger." "...Someone with their finger on the pulse." "Younger." "Younger." "Then after knocking on every door, i found the one place where I was still considered hip... the 1800s." "Welcome to Orson heritage village." "My name is Rachel moody Cochran." "In 1816," "I came by wagon train to this very town, where I gave birth to all 19 of my children, four of whom survived." "I'll be wanting another one come spring." "Hey." "Hey." "Well, good news." "I got hired as an old wife down at heritage village... minimum wage and all the fresh eggs I can carry." "Okay." "Come on, Mike." "You froze me out last night." "You froze me out this morning." "We're not rich enough to get a divorce, so we're gonna have to have a fight." "What do you want me to say?" "I don't know." "Whatever you want." "You say I was stupid, I'll say you're right." "You say, "who the hell signs a credit card slip without looking at it?"" "I'll say, "I know." "I thought it was 20 bucks."" ""Yeah, that's not the point, Frankie. $20 is too much to pay" ""for 3 ounces of some stupid eye cream that we don't need."" ""You don't think I know that?" "They got me at a weak moment." "I was tired." "Yeah, when aren't you tired?" "Oh, that is low." "I bought it to look good for you."" ""Baloney!" "You bought it for yourself."" ""I said I was sorry, Mike."" ""Yeah, well, 'sorry' isn't gonna fix it."" ""Stop yelling at me!"" "I think I've said all that needs to be said." "And so the deep freeze of winter continued." "There was no sign of thaw in sight." "The children born in autumn were now struggling to survive the bitter season..." "Hey." "Check it out." "If you hold him up to the microwave, the radiation makes him quiet." "Oh." "Oh." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "That can't be good." "Oh, no." "While skilled carpenters worked tirelessly to repair the battered homestead." "Okay, I cut the hole to fit this piece of drywall I found in the garage." "Now, if my measurements are correct, it should be perfect." "No, I told you guys." "I can't just drop everything and go to a movie anymore." "I'm taking care of a baby." "Aw, man." "Aah!" "This thing is ruining my life!" "Why do I have do this?" "I get it." "I get it." "If a girl invites you into her bed, there'll be consequences." "Don't I know it." "Okay, I've got a screwdriver so we can reach the piece, honey 'cause it's sticky, and an egg 'cause mom wants me to eat more protein." "Great!" "Give me the screwdriver." "Oh, I think I feel it." "Yeah, I think I..." "Oh, no." "Sue!" "We have to get that back!" "Axl was using it!" "Can you see it?" "Uh-oh." "Brick, are you kidding me?" "You dropped the egg?" "!" "You dropped the screwdriver!" "Screwdrivers don't smell!" "They're gonna find us out!" "It's a telltale egg!" "It's weird, Bob." "Weird." "He's never been this quiet for this long without a game on." "You know, I'll be runnindeliveries in the truck with Mike tonight." "I could suss him out for you." "No." "No sussing." "I don't want you to make it worse." "Got it." "My lips are sealed." "So, Mike, women, huh?" "Am I right?" "Jeez." "Like mine, for example, always spending money on stupid things, like, ugh, for example..." "Lip gloss." "Is that a fact?" "Yeah." "Makes me mad..." "Or hurt..." "Or another feeling I don't like to share." "Bob." "But you know us men..." "strong and silent types... sometimes too silent..." "And sometimes not silent enough." "You know, Bob, I got a problem, too." "I sometimes butt into people's business and then I find myself on the side of the road, watching the little Betty uck I was just in, as it drives away." "You're not talking about yourself, are you, Mike?" "No, Bob, I'm not." "Why you slowing down?" "I can smell it." "You can't smell it." "It gs worse every hour." "Why an egg for a snack, brick?" "Were there no dead fish in the fridge?" "Look, there's nothing we can do." "Let's just go tell mom and dad." "No!" "I am not going down for this!" "Yes." "What are you doing?" "I am getting that stinking thing out!" "How comes the butter, wife?" "I've been churning for three hours, and I still don't have enough for a baked potato." "Hark!" "Hear I church bells from the town square?" "Hello?" "Frankie." "Mike, hi." "What is this demon device you hold to your ear?" "Cast it into ye hearth." "Sorry." "I-I just need a second." "It's my husband." "Are you speaking in tongues, woman?" "For I am your husband." "Did you talk about our business with Bob?" "What?" "No." "Of course not." "I paid three head of cattle for you... a fine price for a sturdy bride." "Then how come Bob's talking to me about our life?" "I don't like talking about my life with Bob." "Well, I-I may have mentioned that you were upset about the $200 eye cream." "$200?" "!" "Why that is the size of the entire state treasury!" "Just give it a rest, obadiah!" "In the name of God, just raze a barn, plow a field, chill out for half a second." "We have one visitor." "She knows we're not in the 1800s." "You know we're not really in the 1800s, right?" "You're cool with me taking this call?" "Thank you." "Mike, I think the important thing is, is that we're talking." "Mike?" "Mike?" "I have a question." "What kind of eye cream costs $200?" "I thought it was $20!" "Oh!" "The egg's gotta be here!" "It's gotta be in one of them!" "Sue, it's over." "It can't be over." "How did this whole thing go so wrong?" "I just wanted a roommate." "I thought we were gonna have fun together." "I had fun." "Really?" "Really." "Just by not sitting on my head, you're a way better roommate than axl." "Thanks, brick." "The egg!" "We did it!" "We did it!" "Now all we have to do is patch up these holes, and then we're home free!" "We still need to find the screwdriver." "Oh, there it is." "Mom!" "Help." "I took my baby apart, and now it won't fit back together." "Now I'll never get a good grade on this." "This is "d" work, at best." "Yeah, well, maybe if you used some of that energy you spent not taking care of the baby to actually take care of the baby, you wouldn't be in this mess." "I've tried taking care of him." "I just can't find the stupid screwdriver!" "Quit whining, go find one, and fix it." "And by the way, it's a girl." "If you'd changed the diaper even once, you would know that." "What you doing?" "What does it look like I'm doin?" "I'm rocking a piece of our grandchild." "Hey, listen, uh, sorry I hung up, but, uh, Bob got back on the truck... you know, Mike, whatever." "I've been trying to talk to you all week, and you just froze me out, and now I'm just too tired." "I am selling cars, I'm dyeing wool, obadiah wants me to take a job as a schoolteacher, because there's a drought, and the corn isn't gonna save us this year." "Even in my second job, I have to get another job!" "I have two lives in two centuries, and they both suck." "Would you rock the head?" "What?" "I'm trying to stop this." "I can't find the sensor." "I'm rocking the torso." "Please just rock the head." "I mean, I thought that if I got a second job, you would see how sorry I was and you would forgive me." "But no, I make a mistake, and it doesn't matter what I say or what I do, you want to stay mad, so go ahead and stay mad at me!" "I'm not mad you made a mistake." "I'm mad because we can't afford to make a mistake." "What?" "You think I like it that 200 bucks sends us over the edge?" "Or that at this point in our lives, we gotta have four jobs just to stay poor?" "It does suck when you say it like that." "I mean, damn it, we should have some kind of cushion so we can make a mistake every once in a while or at least fix the kitchen table." "Didn't we have plans for this place?" "Instead, here we are, with the same crappy carpet and the busted garbage disposal." "The only room we've redone is Sue's." "Oh, there it goes again." "Oh, keep walking." "My half likes the walking." "I guess I just hoped we'd be farther along at this point." "That's all." "Hmm." "Remember when we used to do this with axl?" "Oh." "Back then, we had to go through the couch to find 5 bucks for diapers." "Used to take us 5 bucks to send us over the edge." "But now it takes $200." "That's progress." "How the hell did we make it through?" "I don't know." "A lot of tv and denial." "Mm." "We'll make it through this, too." "Oh, I think the head's asleep." "Oh, the body, too." "They are so cute when they're sleeping." "Aren't they?" "So we were talking again, and I knew we'd be okay." "Hell, if obadiah and Rachel made it through all their crap," "Mike and I oughta have a cakewalk." "Just like the pioneers, we have to make the best of our situation..." "Now my baby may not look like everyone else's, but isn't that what makes America great?" "That we can love people of all shapes and sizes?" "This is the kind of country that I wanna live in." "We fill the holes however we can, and faced with a job we just can't stand, we find a way to make it work for us." "Ye sure ye still got the pox?" "Oh, yeah, big-time." "I don't think I'm gonna be up and ready to churn for at least another couple of days." "Hey, could you be a peach and pump me another cup of water?" "For all the other day-to-day stuff that drives us nuts, solutions can turn up in surprising places." "You just gotta be resourceful." "Oh!" "Here's the test." "Ready?" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Good job!"