" Congratulations, billy." "You win most handicapped." "[cheers and applause]" " This is bullshit!" " And now, the award for coolest," "Most popular kid in school goes to..." "Woody johnson." "Did you forget something, son?" "[laughter]" "The only award you'll win is weirdest looking balls." " Damn!" "His balls look like they mad at each other." " More bad news, mr." "Johnson." "I called your mother." " No!" " [roars]" "Woody, you've been a bad boy." "[all screaming] [roaring]" " Ah, ah, ah!" " Woody!" " No, mommy!" "Don't hurt me!" " Ouch!" " Don't hurt me, mommy!" " Another nightmare?" " Yeah." "Sorry, little buddy." " Oh, that's nice." "No, i'm sure "sorry" stops brain swelling." " Well, at least i didn't break my award." " [screams]" " ♪ brickleberry ♪" " Good morning, rangers." "I got great news." " Jeez, woody, you look terrible." "Did you sleep last night?" " I slept perfectly normal." " Yep, 20 minutes of sleep, 7 hours of intense screaming." " Sounds like ethel breaking in her vibrator." "Wait, i'm ethel." "Sorry, i'm drunk." " Oh, enough about my night terrors." " So, that's why you're always so irritable." " I am not irritable!" " Tell that to your bowels." "[chuckles]" "You get it?" "[blows raspberry]" " Oh, ha ha." "I guess crohn's disease is funny now." "Oh, damn it, i just shit myself." "Anyway, i got great news." " You bought us all betty white fleshlights?" " No." " You bought me" "A betty white fleshlight?" " No!" "Someone's coming." " I will be, if i get my betty white fleshlight." " Shut up!" "President obama's coming" "To brickleberry." " Oh, no." "He found me." " What are you talking about?" " Obama is really into me..." "Sexually." " Can i shoot her?" " Connie, stop being psycho." " Yeah, you expect us to believe that a black guy" "Could be into a fat, white woman?" " Can i shoot him?" " Do us a favor." " Everyone, shut up." "The president is coming to honor me" "For 30 years' perfect attendance as a park ranger." " Hold on, i'm trying to give a [bleep]." "Nope, not happening." " We gotta make sure that nothing happens" "To ruin my big day." "Denzel, you're in charge of security and" " Wait a minute, woody, you don't even like obama." " What?" "I love obama." "Now, you and connie are in charge" "Of disposing of all my anti-obama paraphernalia." " What's my assignment, woody?" " Steve, you have the most important job of all." "I need you to travel to king's landing" "And bring me the head of tyrion lannister." " King's landing--is that near the cheesecake factory?" " Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever." " But i'll miss your big ceremony, woody." " Yeah, that's the point, dumbass." "There's no way i'm letting you" "Embarrass me in front of the president." " When have i ever been an embarrassment?" " How about the time you got drunk at christmas mass?" " So you're a virgin, huh?" " What?" " I was talking to the donkey." "[donkey groans]" " I can't believe woody, of all people," "Is getting to meet the president." " Trust me, it's not that big of a deal." "[donkey groans]" " Connie, do you really expect me to believe" "That you know the president?" " I do." "I worked on his campaign as the media consultant." "He wanted me so bad that he tried to fire me," "But he couldn't because he was so hot for my body." " Wait a minute." "You're describing the tv show scandal." " I know." "They based that show on my life." " Connie, you've lost touch with reality again." "Remember that time you told everyone oprah" "Was gonna leave stedman for you?" " She was!" "She said she wanted to make my clitoris the color purple." " What do you think, malloy?" "I got these to impress the president." "Do they make me look smarter?" " Smarter than what?" "This table?" "No." " Denzel, what the hell are you doing?" " Security measure." "I've got to take this tv to my place" "To check it out for, uh, north korean dirty bombs." " Uh-oh, check the even bigger one in my bedroom." " Code red!" "Code red!" " It's a zenith." " Oh, [bleep] that shit." " Hey, woody, i got it." " What the [bleep], steve?" "You cut off peter dinklage's head?" " Yeah, just like you asked." "He kept screaming, "i'm just a bad actor!" ""it's a role i play on a television show!" "Ugh, why are you doing this to me?"" "[laughs] but i just kept sawing." " Oh, fine, mount it with the rest of 'em." " So can i go to your ceremony now?" " No!" "I have another job for you." "I need you to dig an escape tunnel for the president" "With this..." "Plastic spoon." " Where to?" " Back to kenya where he came from!" "I mean, i love obama." " Hey, cool glasses." "[nasal voice] hi, i'm professor steve williams." " Give me those!" " Hey!" "[both grunting]" " My fake smart guy glasses!" "Steve!" " Off to dig the tunnel." " I swear to god," "If i have to spend another second with that dipshit," "I'll shoot him!" " So you think i should spend more time with woody?" " Absolutely." " And once he gets to know me better" "And we become best friends," "He'll invite me to his big ceremony?" " Of course he will, and make sure to use lots of rap lingo." "Ah, he loves that." " Thanks, malloy." "Now, excuse me while i finish this tunnel to kenya." "I'm al" " Can you tell us how to get to the cheesecake factory?" " Bodean, i can't believe obama's coming here." "Are you as pissed off as i am?" " No, i voted for obama." " What did you say?" " I said i voted for-- ow!" " You been brainwashed." "What's that shit you been watching again?" " Downton abbey." " Brainwashed!" "Bodean, listen to me." "These liberals are screwing up our country." "They're gonna ban smoking and junk food, take our guns," "And probably make us gay-marry each other." " I kind of like obamacare." "Ow!" " That's the worst part." "Even i could come up with a better health care plan." " Why don't you do it then?" " Maybe i will." "Why the hell did you vote for obama anyway?" " Because income inequality is a very significant social issue," "And it's reinforced by a series of regressive tax reforms" "Foisted upon us by right-wingers." " I'm awake, bodean." " I know." " Thank you, mr." "President." "No." "Thank you, mr." "President." "No." "Thank you, mr." "President!" "No, you're gonna screw it up, johnson." " Hey, player, i thought wiggity-we" "Should spend a little tiggity-time togevah." "Just big dubs and run-dm-steve." " Steve, i will murder you." " Wanna watch willy wizzle and the chizzle fizzle?" "I rented it on blu-rizzle." " I'm warning you, steve." " [whispers] give him the pie." " Oh, i made you a p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh" "P-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh- p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-pie!" " Yes!" " Uh-ohh, my p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-pie." "Oh, no." "Malloy, call an ambu-lizzle!" " [groans] - woody, i have good news" "And bad news and super bad news." " What's the super bad news?" " [sighs]" "Ben affleck is the new batman." " Who gives a shit?" "What about me?" " Woody, you destroyed your liver," "Totally, well, [bleep] it up." "The good news is, i have a donor liver right here." " Oh, that's great, doc." " The bad news is that according to page 2,242" "Of the obamacare manual," "This liver must go to a gay, illegal immigrant." " Holy shit, fox news was right." " Woody, since we can't find you a liver," "You'll be sharing one." " Share a liver?" "With who?" " Hey, liver buddy!" " What?" "You attached me to this moron?" "Why didn't you just put me on dialysis?" " Trust me, woody, i tried." "Isn't that right, dialysis?" " Ain't nobody getting on dialysis" "Unless they put a ring on it." " If you had to sew me to someone," "Why did you have to pick captain dumbass?" " Well, woody, he was the only one who would volunteer." " 'cause that's what friends do." " If you were a real friend," "You would have just given me your liver and died." " This is even better." "Now we can really get to know each other." " Doc, when can you saw this talking tumor off of me?" "I got an event to go to." " Let's see." "Actually, it says here that if a gay, illegal immigrant" "Does not need the liver within 48 hours," "Huh, it's all yours." " Great, just in time to get my award." " Speaking of awards," "Have i shown you my bruce jenner "horrors of medicine" trophy?" " There goes our number one tourist attraction." "[cell phone beeps]" " "gimme, gimme some of that big, flappy ass."" " Ew!" "Who is that from?" " Ugh, barack." " Let me get this straight." "The president of the united states of america" "Just texted, "gimme, gimme some of that big, floppy ass"?" " No, he said, "flappy."" " Let me see that." "There's nothing there." " I know." "He used a snapchat." " Connie, you better cut out this nonsense" "Before the president gets here," "Or you could get into some real trouble." " It's not nonsense, ethel, i swear." "[cell phone beeps]" ""flap, flap, flappy ass." ""gimme that big, flappy ass." ""gimme, gimme flappy dappy, floppity," "Suckin' titties."" "Snapchat." " Welcome to o'bobbycare." "Now just sign here, and give me your premium." " Okay, bobby." " This is easier than i thought." "As long as you don't get hurt, everything will be okay." " I got a pencil stuck in my eye, bobby." " Jesus, bodean, you gotta be careful." " Now i got two pencils stuck in my eye, bobby." " Stop sticking pencils in your eye." "Damn it, bodean." " What?" "Pens too?" " Ow!" " Oopsie." "[both grunting] - [chuckles]" " Steve, turn left." " My left or your left?" " They're the same goddamn left." " [grunts] - ah, [bleep]." "[both grunting]" " Shit!" "Steve, get your ass up." "As you can all see, i have grown a dork." " Woody, tell me if this hurts." " [screams]" " Shouldn't you two still be in the hospital?" " What?" "And ruin my perfect attendance record?" "Hell, no." "It's business as usual." "Now let's get ser-- [laughs]" " Tickle fight." " Stop!" "I swear to god, steve." " [goofy voice] why are you so mean, mr." "Grumpy lumps?" " Ahh!" " [yells]" " Now let's have a [bleep] party." "Denzel, security report." " I took all your electronics down to the pawn shop." "Uh, yeah, they defuse dirty bombs down there." " Good job." "Okay, that's lunch, everybody." "Come on, liver boy, we're going to hooters." " Sorry, i practice over lunch, and i can't miss it." " Practice what?" " I like to sing a capella-- all: ♪ a capella ♪" " Oh, i hate a capella." " ♪ makes me a most happy fella ♪" " A capella sucks!" "Stop it." "Stop it." " ♪ i sing songs loud or mellow ♪" "All: ♪ a capella ♪" " ♪ all the girls' legs turn to jell-o ♪" "All: ♪ a capella, hey!" "♪" " ♪ they can sound like ♪" "How about i wash yours," "And you wash mine?" " No!" " Hmm." "Do you have insurance?" " Yep, he's right there." " Okay, here we go." "That'll be $1,200." " $1,200?" " Don't thank me." "Thank the greatest health care system in the world." " That's it, bodean." "I am dropping you from o'bobbycare." " Well, according to page one of the o'bobbycare manual," "You can't do that, bobby." " Damn it." "Please tell me there's nothing else wrong with you." " Don't worry, bobby-- i just got high blood pressure," "High sugar, diverticulitis, colitis," "Gingivitis, bieber fever, and sores on my peter." " [snores]" "No, no, mommy." "[screams]" " ♪ hush, little baby, don't say a word ♪" " ♪ mama's gonna fry you a talking turd ♪" " Wow, i don't know what you did," "But that is the best night of sleep i've had" "Since my mom starved me into a coma." "I feel incredible." " Wait till you try this." " [chewing]" "It's like a coconut angel took a shit in my mouth." " Thanks." " You know what, steve?" "I never thought i'd say it," "But i'm starting to hate you a little less." "♪ be my, be my, be my, be my, be my, be my bff ♪" "All: ♪ best friends forever, whatever we endeavor ♪" "♪ our bond won't ever sever ♪" " [grunting]" "♪ no matter whatso-whatsoever ♪ [all grunting]" "♪ best friends forever, whatever... ♪" " Whoo!" "Yeah!" "All right!" "Both: [panting]" " Oh, yeah." " [panting]" " ♪ be my, be my, be my, be my, be my, be my bff ♪" " ♪ oh, best friends ♪" " Well, i guess our 48 hours is almost up." " If i had to be surgically attached to anybody," "I'm glad it was you, steve." " Really?" "Thanks, buddy." " Well, it's time, woody." "Lucky for you," "There's not one single gay, illegal immigrant" "Who needs a liver today." "[techno music]" " My liver exploded." " [screams]" " Oh, not good." "Are you familiar with a medical term called "jinxing"?" "Looks like you'll be stuck with steve for your event." " God damn it, no!" "How could this happen to me?" " Woody, what's the big deal?" "We'll just go together." " What's the big deal?" "I've told you a thousand times, steve!" "I don't want you there!" " But i-i thought things were different now." "I thought you liked me." " Nothing is different." "I was just making the best of a shitty situation." "I don't like you, and i never will!" " You don't deserve a friend like me." " [grunting]" " Can you fellows take this argument someplace else?" "I have an illegal to operate on." " [groans] - i need anesthesia." "Anesthesia?" " What you want, mother[bleep]?" "I'm trying to sleep." " Nom, nom, nom, nom, mmm, mmm." " What the hell are you eating?" " Raw bacon." " You can't eat raw bacon." " All right, then, i'll just drink this 94-ounce coca-cola." "Raw bacon makes me thirsty." " Well, i'm banning big sodas, raw bacon, and anything else" "That'll [bleep] you up, including guns." " Guns?" "What am i gonna put in my mouth when i jack off?" "Why are you doing this, bobby?" " 'cause if you get sick or hurt," "I'ma have to pay for it, you dumb son of a bitch." " You know what?" "O'bobbycare took away everything i love." "Obama would never hurt me like this." "Oh!" " Yeah, he's a real jerk." "I can't stand him." "No." "He's right next to me" "With his big, stupid kathleen turner mustache." " [bleep] you." "That's not even a real phone." " See what i'm dealing with?" " Down syndrome?" " [grunts]" "I've got a surprise for you, steve." " What's in the box?" " I think we're all hoping it's gwyneth paltrow's head." " Oh, you'll see." "It's my plan to keep you from screwing up my event" "And make me look like a hero in the process." " Woody?" "Woody, no." "No, no, no, no!" "What are you doing?" "[motor running] [screams]" " Ah, here is the man of the hour." " Hey, great to see you." " And who is your guest?" " This is a cancer kid." "I saved his life," "Had him sewn to me, so he could share my liver." "The cancer took his." " Dear god." "What's your name, son?" " Uh--[gasps] - [grunts]" "Did i mention he's also a mute and pretty much brain dead?" " So he's brain dead and a mute?" " Well, he wasn't born a mute." "He had tonsil cancer." " Oh, i thought he had liver cancer." " Oh, he does." "He's getting it from both ends." "Cancer's running a train on this brain-dead bastard." " Well, have a splendid time." " This sucks." "I'll never forgive you for this." " You just keep your mouth shut." "You're not screwing this up for me, you annoying waste of space!" "Oh, hello, senator varnadoe." " And who is this with you?" " Just a shit-for-brains cancer mute." "He'll be dead soon, so just pretend he's not here." " Crab cakes, gentlemen?" " Not for me." "I'm highly allergic." " Yes, this is truly an honor." "Whoa, did it get hot in here?" " Mr. Johnson, are you feeling okay?" " Yeah, yeah, i never felt better." " Attention, everyone, the president has arrived." "[cheers and applause]" " Now remember, connie, keep in touch with reality." " You'll see." "Hello, barry." " Connie!" " Uh, i'm sorry, do i know you?" " You should." "You've sent me over a hundred dirty texts in the last week," "You pervert!" " [laughs]" "Who is this guy?" "He's funny." " Leave me alone." "I mean it." "No, no." "[groans]" " Hello, connie." "Do you know how hard it was to pretend" "I didn't know you back there?" "I had to make up this stupid award just to get close to you." " No, barry." "I've told you a hundred times, i'm a lesbian." "Oh!" " [whispers] so was michelle." "I like a challenge." "[sniffs]" "You smell like a petting zoo on a hot sunday." " Stop it." " I remember the first day we met." "I was intoxicated by that big, pasty ass." "I've been chasing that ginger dragon ever since." " Barry, you're a married man." "We can't." " Yes, we can, connie." "Yes, we can." "[knocking]" " Mr. President, it's time to go on." " Damn." "I'll be right there." "I'll be back for that big flappy, dappy ass." "[gibberish]" " Please welcome the president of the united states," "Barack obama." " It's a privilege to be here on this special day" "To honor a great american" "In one of our nation's majestic national parks, brickleberry." "National parks are both big" "And beautiful" "And flappy dappy." " The man is a good speaker." " So without further adieu," "I'd like to introduce the man of the hour," "Accompanied by the brain-dead," "Mute cancer kid whose life he saved." "Ladies and gentlemen, mr." "Woody johnson." "[cheers and applause] [crowd gasps and murmurs]" " Oh!" "Hey, look, it's lena dunham." "She's so brave." " Now, this man not only saves" "Cancer-stricken children's lives," "But more importantly, shows up for work every day," "And so i present this award to you." " Thank you, mr." "Presid-- [vomiting]" "All: [gasping and screaming]" " Usa, usa, usa!" "[all screaming]" " Oh, god, how did this happen?" " Hmm, it wasn't that tray of crab cakes i ate, was it?" " You did this?" "You son of a bitch, you ruined the best day of my life!" " You wouldn't have a life if it wasn't for me." "I just wanted to be your friend," "And all you did was treat me like shit!" "And you gave me cancer." " I'm gonna kill you!" " Not if i kill you first!" "[both grunting]" " Mr. Johnson, i'm from fox news." "I'd like to present you with our "man of the year" award" "For puking all over the president." "Well done, sir." " Oh, my god, i don't know what to say." "What an honor." "Well, this beats the shit out of a stupid presidential medal," "And i owe it all to my friend steve." " We're friends?" "Really?" " You bet, buddy." "Sorry for being such a dick." " I guess we all learned a good lesson today." " Why don't you wash that lesson down" "With some delicious crab cakes?" " Oh, great idea, malloy." " No, steve, no!" "I'm highly allerg-- [vomiting]" " Hey, bobby?" " I told you, bodean," "I'm flat broke." "I can't take you to the doctor." " That's okay, bobby." "The pain will go away" "When i bleed out and die." " I sure do wish you had dependable health coverage" "Like i do." " I didn't know you had health insurance." " Yeah, after i spent all that money on your medical bills" "And went broke, i qualified for obamacare." "It's awesome." " Too bad there ain't no way to get on your policy." " Well, there is one way." " I now pronounce you husband and husband." "Have fun in hell." "[cheers and applause]" " Well, good news, bodean," "You got insurance now, because we're officially married." " It ain't official until we consummate it." "[screaming]" " Connie, you're lucky they didn't commit you." " I was telling the truth the whole time." "Barack really does want me." "[cell phone ringing] hello?" " Connie, i'm sorry i got swept away last night." "I'll be back for that flappy ass soon." "In the meantime, i sent a present to tide you over." " Let me guess." "That was "barry," right?" " Yep, and he said he sent me a present." "I wonder what it could-- [cell phone beeps]" "Ew." "Gross." "Obama sent me a dick pic." " It's just a black screen." " It's a close up." " [screams]"