"IJON TICHY" " SPACE PILOT The Star Diaries" "Freely produced by themes from the novel "Star diaries" by Stanislaw Lem" "I was flying my rocket on Wednesday, September 27th... on my way to the Egg Planet." "Come here!" "Take over the wheel!" "You lazy Holograph!" "I hadn't eaten in days, so I wanted to be ready... to sit down to fresh-omelet eggs." "Hey!" "If you're not working, then at least do the dishes!" "No..." "I am an individual." "I have my own life." "And my own needs." "Washing dishes is not part of that!" "Watch this then!" "Ouch!" "What are you doing?" "Keep you hands off my technology!" "Why?" "You said yourself you're an individual." ""INDIVIDUAL"" "Your job is to do the dishes!" "I'm not a piece of furniture that you can simply use!" "Don't chew!" "Swallow!" "I want my plates sparkly clean!" "Suddenly the rocket made a sharp turn - heading for the Furniture Store Planet." "Who's in there?" "I suspected a sly stowaway... steering the rocket." "Who's at the wheel?" "Oh, I don't believe this." "What's going on here?" "What's this?" "What're you doing under my sofa bed?" "Mr. Tichy, it's Mel, Professor Tarantoga's assistent." "What're you doing here?" " I want to go home." "Here." "And?" "Same footprint." "So what?" "Did you let him into the rocket?" " Yes, Tarantoga was cruel to him." "Back you go to the Tarantoga guy." "Tarantoga?" "Look here!" "I'm busy!" "Oh, it's you Mr. Tacky, what do you want?" "Your furry pest-friend is here, playing hide and seek!" "Ah, so Mel's with you!" "Tell him to get back here immediately." "Hey, what's going on here?" " Please don't send me back!" "Tarantoga treats him like a slave." "I have a problem with that." "Don't you start with that "individual" stuff again!" "That's just it." "I don't know what I am." "What kind of individual." "Maybe you know?" " Yeah, yeah..." "Furry mop?" "Sausage dog?" "Nope..." "Don't know." "Ok, are we done here?" "No one can tell me what planet I come from... or what race I belong to." "So what?" " This... is the first lead I have." "Silly crap!" "Is that why we're flying to the Furniture Planet?" "Unbelievable..." "What's that?" "A receipt." "For my appliance." "The broken part, the handle." "The guarantee for the busted Hallucinette-appliance... was due to expire, today." "So I thought we'd swing by the Furniture Planet... only because of the guarantee." "Mel, I can see you!" "I know you're there!" "We don't have time now!" "Bye-bye!" "If the Mel-fellow..." " Mel." "really wants to go to the Furniture Planet... we could make a teensy-weensy stop?" "This sofa would fit perfectly between the closet and the control desk." "For you!" "I don't need it." "I'll stay on my planet." "The Furniture Planet was in a strange neighborhood." "I looked it up in the Cosmic Encyclopedia, it said:" "Contact to this planet was broken off." "Whoever visited it, never came back." "I decided to land anyway." "Mr. Tichy, no!" "You've no right to turn me off." "It's patronizing and inhumane." "Hold on to this!" "I demand you keep me turned on!" "Alright." "But then, give yourself a piggyback ride." "It's degrading, carrying myself on my back." "You wanted independence." "You got it!" "GLÜE, % öff" "Very interesting." "And it's all on sale!" "These plant-remains were on my feet... when I came to Tarantoga." "I've no memory of it." "But it's the only clue to my heritage." "Hello!" "This planet is spooky." "It's all so dead-duck here." "Maybe it gets better over there!" "Hey, you fuzzy klutz." " Who?" "Me?" "Don't drop my guarantee receipt!" "Got it!" "My flowerpot!" "Mel!" " My guarantee receipt..." "Don't move!" "Gotcha, glue strangler." "Get back in the rocket!" " But Mel?" "Hurry!" "I'll get him." "I'll get him." "Ouch!" "Holy Crap!" "My guarantee receipt is gone!" "Receipt?" "Poor Mel is gone." "Obviously, this is not his planet." "Do you have a screw loose?" "This is the Planet-of-the-Living-Furniture..." "Yes." "They attacked us when we crossed the yellow line." "Maybe we just can't step over the yellow line?" "That's it." "We can't take the shortcut, but have to go through the displays." "Let's try again." "But first..." "It's nice and quiet." "Come on!" "Here's where the sofa took off." "With my receipt!" "With Mel!" "My receipt!" "Kamikaze!" "Sucka our soul, wöödenheärta..." "Sinner..." "Follöw..." "Where isä?" "Enda fürnita öppresson foreva, furnitä fightbacka, nowa!" "Furnita avenga universa completä!" "Little testa, then starta!" "It seemed the live furniture was planning to invade the universe!" "Dün with the ön-üs-sitters!" "Dün with the dräwer-stüffers!" "Dün with the üs-üsers!" "Down with the dish-dirtiers!" "Dün with the dish-dürtiers!" "Oh, hello!" "Lagan Rentig." "Me?" "I'm Analogue Hallucinette." "Ånalögahålözinätta!" "?" "Can you tell me, can I get the folding sofa MEL in this design?" "Gööse bumps!" "Really?" "Good." "Then I'd like the Gööse bümps model." "Bütiful girl." "Föllow me tü Testlaböratöry!" "Get your grabby fingers off me!" "You ugly dim-lamp." "I'll short-circuit you!" "This furniture had gone through a transformation." "And I was sitting in a big fat trap." "But then I saw something encouraging." "The handle of my crappy machine is broken." "I still have the guarantee receipt, look!" "Oh, it's too late for that." "Hey!" "It's still valid." "I'm losing my patience with your crappy service!" "One more." "Now's not the time for a lunch break, ok!" "What's going on here?" "All the furniture has been infected." "We wanted to save on personnel... so we bred furniture that would pack and manufacture itself." "Unfortunately, the furniture began to fight against its oppressors." "They are in charge now." "The furniture is now preparing for a huge delivery." "A "cosmic invasion"." "They want to take revenge on the universe." "I'll knock your lights out..." "Now I saw that the furniture could wrap... and stack itself." "It was like a huge army." "Here I was in this weird lab... where they tested furniture against its opponents." "So what?" "Big deal!" "Klätt Assembla!" " Yes, yes, assembla." "This goes here, and the bar goes through the pillow..." "Assembla!" "This last part." "I don't want to..." "Now I understood this test:" "The furniture parts only got really mad... when they were put together right." "Pösitiva, pösitiva." "Yes, it's quite nice!" "Do you have it in a lighter shade?" "To brighten up the room, you know?" "Shutupa!" "Dishwäsher annoyinga!" "Dishwasher?" "Shutupa!" "You Natt!" "So, that's how it is." "I get it!" "Klätt Assembla!" "Spöka, du Natt!" "If I assemble it, then it'll attack." "Assembla!" "Okay, okay, I'll have a look." "Seems complicated?" "Klätt assembla!" "Gö-gö!" "Make it better, you Natt!" "I don't think I can solve this puzzle." "I swear!" "Assembläplanö, gö-gö!" "Assembläplanö?" "Here, assembläplanö för Idiota!" "These instructions were so simple..." "I couldn't play stupid any longer." "I had to put the chair together." "And, how feela?" "Not good!" "How it feela tö be useda?" "Not so good." "You will never abuse Hällüzinätta- applianca again, do you hear?" "You will do the dishes by hand!" "I promise..." "I won't use the holographic appliance again!" "That's good to know." "Mr. Tichy!" "Dishwäsha killa sofabossa, now Killa escapa..." "I don't think we can stop the invasion!" "Too many stored packages." "This furniture is not dangerous as separate parts in boxes." "But correctly assembled, it attacks." "Mr. Tichy, you really couldn't put it together, could you?" "You only managed to do it after you got the instructions." "Very funny." "I couldn't pretend to be dumb anymore." "The instructions were too clear." "So we falsified the instructions, made them so complicated... that no normal person could follow them." "Let's get out!" "It's gonna take off." "Poor Mel." "Are you coming?" "And so I was back on track to the Egg Planet..." "'Cause saving the universe from a furniture invasion makes you hungry." "Well, later people said I made the whole thing up..." "These tabs are really delicious!" "Do they have them in other flavors?" "These dishes are just as dirty as before!" "Nasty people said that I secretly drank too much alcohol on earth... but lost all inhibitions..." "The invasion has begun!" " on long space voyages." "It's the sofa for Mel." "But we don't need it anymore!" "God knows how this rumor got started." "Damnit Tricky!" "What's up with Mel?" "I don't recommend it." "A cheap copy!" "People are like that." "They'd rather believe a bunch of silly crap..." "Isn't it wonderful?" "than perfectly good facts!"