"'I spend all this time wanting sex.'" "You've got to admit, it's possible, isn't it?" " Yeah." " Yes!" " I'll sleep on the floor." " Don't stare!" "Where's my money gone?" "He's taken everything." "I'm a vlogger." "I get naked, and they send me money!" "She'd kill you." "Using her old house to pimp out her grandson." "HENRY: 'First we had nothing.'" "'Then we made a path.'" "'Then we made the path bigger.'" "'Then we made roads.'" "'Then we made the roads enormous." "'Then we made more." "Then we kept making more.'" "'We built lines across the world, and we lived along the lines.'" "'We made grids, we made mazes, we made circuits, we made traps.'" "'That's where we live.'" "'Contained inside the lines.'" "'Men did this." "We built cages to keep ourselves civilised.'" "'But sometimes, we take a wrong turn.'" "'Sometimes we get... lost.'" "Oh, for God's sake!" "He's in a mood." "I think it's him." "Josh. 18." "Law student, so he says." "Can't get rid of him." " Oh, he looks nice." " Well, Freddie said, "Bye!"" "but he won't take the hint." "Just keeps sitting there." "Clinging on." " He's like a young version of you." " Oh, thank you very much(!" ")" "Thursday afternoon, I need you out, OK?" "Stay out till about half six." "And you, Dean... both of you." "I need the place to myself Thursday." "OK?" " Have you got that?" " OK!" "I'm busy anyway." "You're not the only one with a life." "Oh, yeah?" "Busy doing what?" "Yeah... now you've been sacked, what d'you do all day, Mr B?" "Wouldn't you like to know?" "First things first." "What did the bank say?" "I warned you." "When you first moved in together, I said," ""Anyone with a joint account is an idiot."" "Lance has claimed the money as his own, and it's perfectly legal." "Can't we sue him?" "It'll cost you, and that's money you don't have." "I charge 200 quid an hour, and that's including this." "I'm penniless." "I work with the penniless, you are nowhere near." "Sell your car!" "There's one more thing." "That's what I wanted to show you." "I need the money." "So..." "I think I might be in a tiny little bit of trouble." "Ah." "It's a long time since I've been here." "Must be a decade or so." "Your mum never liked me." "HE LAUGHS" "So... what is it you've done, then?" "Turned it into a cannabis farm?" "That would have been wise." "WHIRRING" "Hello, Mr B!" "Hi, Scotty, this is Cliff." "Cliff, Scotty, and this is Meatballs." " Hiya." " Yeah, we've met before." "Look." "I fixed it." "I got it working." "BUZZING" "This is my empire." "MUSIC:" "Barcelona by Freddie Mercury and Montserrat Caballe" "THEY LIP-SYNC: * I had this perfect dream *" "♪ Un sueno me envolvio ♪" "♪ This dream was me and you ♪" "♪ Tal vez estas aqui ♪" "♪ I want all the world to see... ♪" "HENRY:" "So it drives people to their channel, and the channel attracts advertising, so it makes money." "♪ ..." "Now my dream is slowly coming true... ♪" "How old is Adam, now?" "15." "His mate's 16." "They've got wish lists." "Next thing you know, they've got men sending them iPods and gift certificates." "Adam got sent this black Nando's card from a man in Aberdeen." "♪ ..." "The bells are ringing out... ♪" "So, word spreads." "This is Jake, and Ryan." "They're wondering, could they have a go?" "MUSIC:" "I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry" "THEY LIP-SYNC: * I kissed a girl just to try it *" "♪ I hope my boyfriend don't mind it... ♪" "And this is Ollie, this is Richard." "OK..." "BOTH:" "Three, two, one!" " Oh, my God." " I know." " And they're not gay?" " Nope." " And they're not getting off on that?" " No." "Believe me." "They stand up and wipe their mouths like no gay kid ever would." "Please don't say this is turning you on." "Actually, not for a second." "I think they can fuck off." " Yeah." "I know." " I am horrified to discover I have standards." "We're being ripped off, Henry!" "Men like you and me are masturbating over those smart-arse kids," " in all good faith." " I know!" "Cos then they tried to rip me off." "We give you 35%, but what for?" "We can do this at home without you." "Yes, but I give you the house, and freedom and safety." "There's Scotty and Meatballs, I pay for them." "The whole point of vlogging is we do it ourselves." "It's our voice." "Not an old man's." "'So." "Me and my big mouth,'" " that's when I had my bright idea." " Which is what?" "Nervous?" "Did you ever play that?" "Nervous?" "Not in our school." "We played it all the time, when we were 12 or 13." "Boys and girls in my day, but..." "You just... touch someone, and..." "Oh, God, you're all too young." "But it's a game, it's like a test." "You put your hand on someone's knee, and say, "Nervous?" And they say, "No."" "Then you put your hand on someone's thigh, and say, "Nervous?" And they say, "No."" "So you keep going further up their thigh, like, "Nervous?"" "And by now they're going, "Oh, my God... "" "It didn't work at first, cos these boys aren't nervous of anything." "Nervous?" "No." "I don't get it." "What's the point?" "Why would I be nervous?" "But then, they got in THIS lad..." "Beanie." "Nervous?" "NERVOUSLY:" "Ah..." "No." "No, go on!" "Nervous?" " Oh, my God." "Oh, my God, oh, my God." " Nervous?" " Yes or no?" " No!" "Oh, my God." " Nervous?" " Gaargh!" "'Now, everyone loves Beanie.'" "They're lining up to have a go." " Nervous?" " Oh, sacre bleu!" " Nervous?" " Whoa, whoa, not my bum!" "No-one said my bum." "Is that allowed?" "No way!" "LAUGHTER ON VIDEO" " Wheurgh!" " LAUGHTER" "Next thing you know, it goes viral." "Everyone's doing it," "I'm a trendsetter, Cliff, by accident." "What sort of figures?" "The Nervous videos get about 90,000 views each." "It's not that big, but it's 90,000 people." "Watching." "Am I breaking the law?" "Is it legal?" "Oh, my God, Cliff, tell me it's OK." "Is it?" "Technically, they're employing YOU." "So you're not a porn baron, you're just a minion." "You're the... patsy, they're making you their dupe." "Well, that's good news." "As long as there's no hard-ons." " You're certain that no-one's erect?" " Definitely not." "And all of a sudden, that's a good thing." "The world is mad." "Hey, there." "Hello, Uncle Cliff." "Hi, Adam." "The main man." "I've just been admiring your handiwork." "Oh, it's a laugh, isn't it?" "We're getting six of us in tonight." "There you go." "Thank you!" "We're gonna do that Raining Men song, with wellies and things." "And Beanie gets all wet, it's brilliant." "I'll see you in a bit." "That's..." "OUR song." "I think I preferred it when they were beating us up." "How much?" "200 quid." "All of this for 200 quid." "I've got to pay 50 to Scotty and 60 for materials, I'm making 90 quid a week." "Wow(!" ")" "You prove my theory." "We chain ourselves down with homes and jobs and money, but take those chains away and we're dogs." "We're nothing but dogs, running across the wilderness, howling at the sky." "Cocks out." "Fucking the wind." "You've lost your chains, Henry." "I think you're brilliant." "TEXT ALERT" " Bollocks." " What is it?" " My boyfriend." " What, Lance?" " No." " I knew there was something else." "I got a boyfriend." "By mistake." "Shit." "Well, it's nice to meet you at last, he's been keeping you secret." "You don't mind if we eat now, do you?" "The kids are starving." "Molly made the salad... didn't you?" "There's two of this." "One with goat's cheese, one without." "Adam was supposed to do it, but he disappeared, as usual." "Sorry!" "I was playing footie." "Sit down anywhere, go on." "Oh, and look... that's Baby Lou," " upstairs." "She says hello." " Hello, Baby Lou!" "So." "Dig in." "And remember, Uncle Henry's got a brand-new boyfriend so don't frighten him away." "Oh, for Christ's sake, you are ridiculous!" "You fight for the rights of the Romanians and the Poles and the Nigerians, but only because you need 'em to scrub your toilets!" "The left wing loves an underclass." "Don't you presume to know me!" "Where d'you think your salad comes from?" "They've got minibuses driving round at 5:00am... they pick up all the immigrants and the junkies and the mentally ill, and they drive 'em out into the countryside to pick your lettuce." "Those are the hands on your salad." "Heroin addicts!" "You've got slaves working for you out in the field... don't pretend otherwise, you love it!" "You're going out with Theresa May!" "LEIGH: 'No..." "No, not yet.'" "Oh, come on!" "HENRY LAUGHS" "We should have a good old fuck one of these days." "Yeah?" "I don't even know what you like." "Are you Ross or Rachel?" "I kind of like to wait, y'know, till it's a proper relationship." "Well, let's make it a proper relationship, would that be good?" " Yeah." " Your sister won't be happy." "She'll be all right." "So..." "Friday." "Come round mine." "I tell you what, let's not drink, let's have sober sex, I love that." "Yeah." "And you can fuck ME, you can go the full Bravo Delta, is that OK?" " Yeah." " OK." "Friday night." "Excellent." "'Night." "SOULFUL BLUESY MUSIC" " LANCE:" "That is not remotely sexy." " VERONICA:" "Nice bum, though." "Why do men do that, what do they get out of it?" "I'll tell you one thing, Ronnie... gay men do not moon." "I reckon you're in with a chance." "Don't say that." "There's something odd about him, though." "I mean, seriously." "I mean, you get signals off a man." "Oh, right," " he doesn't fancy you, so he's gay." " No." "Although, that's also a fact." "He just doesn't kind of... look." "When you're with him there's something kind of... off." "I don't..." "I don't know." "Do you really think he might be?" "I think he might not know." " Oh..." " And I think you deserve a bit of fun." "Why don't you ask him out?" "COMPUTERS CHIME" "Anyway." "I need that finished." "Ask him." "Hi." "HE MOUTHS" "What?" " I don't get you." "What?" " It's Thursday afternoon!" " Oh..." " I can put this up in no time..." "Hello!" "Sorry." " Hi there." " Can we help you?" "No, thanks." "I'm fine." "This is just Henry, he was passing, he's just collecting some stuff." "Right, I'm Donald, hello." "I brought this one into the world, for my sins." "I hope he's not any trouble." "Are you the landlord?" "No." "No, I'm not." " What am I missing?" " Oh, and this is Claire." "Hi." "You must be Freddie's mum." "Anyway." "He's..." "He's just going." "Am I?" "Might as well." "Yeah, we've got... things to do." "So..." "See you later." "Nice to meet you." "OK." "Although." "I don't have far to go." "Do I?" "Considering..." "I live here." "They're amazing flats, aren't they?" "I can't decide whether it's a penthouse or a deathtrap." " Oh!" " THEY LAUGH" "It's all a bit suspicious, though, the, um, the rent... it's way too low." "How much do you pay for yours?" "Same as Freddie." " So, which flat are you in?" " This one." " This block?" " No, this flat." " You live here?" " I live in this flat." "Right." "I see." " He lives with you?" " Not WITH me!" "No." "It's not permanent, he's got a house of his own." "So, what's this, then, his city-centre pied-à-terre?" "Used for what?" "I lived here first!" "With Dean." "And Dean's all of 19, isn't he?" " So, where do you sleep, then?" " Oh..." "I've got my own room, over there." "I should bloody well hope so!" "I wouldn't imagine otherwise!" " How old are you?" " Oh, Jesus." "Hey!" "If it's all so innocent, why did you lie about him?" "It's not the first time, is it?" "I didn't lie about anything." "And I'm 46, if you must know." "I'm 45!" "We could be mates!" "So, what is a man who is 46 years old doing living here?" "With boys?" "My husband's got a point." "What exactly are you doing here?" " I live here." " That's not answering the question." "Who are you?" "And what do you do?" "All sorts of things." " And what does that mean?" " All sorts of things." "What was your name, Henry?" "Answer me this, Henry." "46 years old." "Do you have any idea what you look like?" "Actually, I look like a man who is not remotely beholden to you, and right now, I'm going to my room, where I live." "So, Mr Baxter, Mrs Baxter... fuck off!" "Well, that's impressive!" " Who is he?" " Oh, just leave it!" " Don't give me that!" " Who is he?" "!" " Does he go into your room?" " Is that... ?" " Is Christopher anything to do with this?" " For God's sake, just shut up!" "TV: 'So that, rather than creating unemployment, the robotics industry is actually creating another million jobs," " but we can't rely on that for ever." " _" "'But, for me, the main ethical issues" " are really concerned with human care - _ or human killing." "So, for instance," " 'in Japan where there's really a lot..." " TEXT ALERT" " ... of old people and not so many young people, - _ so who's going to look after the old people?" "'" " 'Well, the Japanese idea - _" "_" "'Myself, as I get older... '" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" " _ - _" " _ - _" " _ - _" " _ - _" " _ - _" "_" "_" "_" " _ - _" "_" "_" "_" "_" "BETTE MIDLER: * It really brought him down because he could not jam *" "♪ The cap'n seemed to understand ♪" "♪ Because the next thing the cap went out and drafted a band ♪" "♪ And now the company jumps when he plays reveille ♪" "♪ He's the boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B!" "♪" "♪ A root, a toot... ♪" "But this whole Tomasz thing, you and him, on the videos, no-one says anything, at school, or... ?" "Nah, this one boy took the piss, but Tomasz decked him." "We're just snogging." "Everyone thinks it's funny and the girls think it's hot." "Ha!" "A new world." "We do muck about a bit, you know?" "Right." "What does that mean?" "We jerk off together." "Oh, my God, don't tell me that!" "Everyone does it." "Do they?" "I mean, really, though, do they?" " Is that what happens now?" " I dunno." "He sucked me off last week, that was a laugh." "Oh, bloody hell, Adam!" "What's the big deal?" "!" "Well, it's not, if you say so." " You sound disappointed." " No, I'm not." "I'm really not." "As long as you're OK." "It's just..." "He wants me to suck HIM off now." "We're going to this party, Friday night, he says we could go back to his and I could... nosh him off." "I dunno." " It does feel a bit gay." " You don't have to." "You know that, don't you?" "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do." "You're weird!" "You're acting like it's bad news." "You, of all people!" "Hello, boys." "Nervous?" "This pair of tweezers appeared." "Overnight." "New tweezers." "Now, I'm in charge of everything that exists in this house." "I thought," ""That's Molly."" ""She's 12, she's looking after herself, that's fine."" ""We've already got tweezers, but she's bought her own." "OK."" "This pair was kind of hidden, at the back of the shelf." "But..." " still." "Fine." " I bought you those mugs!" "I know." "You can't just give things back." "If you're returning stuff," " I'll have that 3,000 quid from the roof." " But then I thought," ""She's hiding herself, my daughter, a little bit, coming out of the bathroom."" ""And that's OK, she's at that age, she's getting shy, I don't mind."" "At the back of my head, I kept thinking," ""When did I last see her naked?"" ""Maybe about six months ago." "But... that's OK."" "And then I found out what the tweezers were for." "CRASH" "She is using the tweezers to pluck herself." "She is plucking her vagina." "The moment a hair appears, she pulls it out." "She is raw, down there." "She is raw." "And do you know how I found out?" "Because I looked on her phone." "And there they are." "All her photos." "12 years old and she's giving regular updates on her vagina." "To the boys." "All the boys." "Any boy who wants it." "Because that's what they do now, the boys, they tell a girl she's dirty if she's got hairs, they tell her she's filthy, they tell her she smells, so she's literally" "pulling out every new hair, the second it appears." "With her tweezers." "The tweezers at the back of the shelf." "And then she photographs herself, because that's her currency, that's who she is, that photo dictates who she is and where she ranks." "On the league table." "Of vaginas." "Jesus!" "They sit there, that little gang of girls, all her mates, ever since they were eight and nine years old, they've been sitting in this house, saying, "No boy's ever going to tell me what to do."" "And then they hit puberty and it's like someone flicks a switch." "All of a sudden, a boy can walk in the room and they become slaves." "On the spot." "They are enslaved to him, like it's genetic." "And there's nothing I can do to stop it." " Nothing." " I'm sorry." "I've not been paying you enough attention." "I know that." "But..." "Bless her, is she OK?" "She's upstairs." "Crying." "Grounded, along with her brother, now." " Do you want me to have a word?" " You can tell her it's your fault." "Hey." "Look, that stuff in the house was out of line..." "That stuff in our mother's house." "OK, all right." "But..." "Molly?" "That's got nothing to do with me!" "Is that what you think?" "So it's nothing to do with you when a boy comes up to Molly in the yard and shoves his hand up her skirt and grabs hold of her bald little fanny like he's got every right, because it's funny," "it is hilarious, all thanks to you, Henry, because now he can shove his hand down her pants and ask her if she's nervous!" "(WHISPERS) I didn't think." "They're children." "You have to think." "All the time." "You're chucking everything away." "Do not lose me." "Now get out." "TEXT ALERT" "HE SIGHS" "_" "HE SIGHS" "_" "MUSIC WITH DRIVING BEAT" "_" "RUNNING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH" "Oh, my God, Mr B, you're a dark horse!" "Scotty said you had a porn empire... in your dead mother's house." "That's unbelievably sick." "It wasn't quite like that." "I can't believe you left me out!" "If you wanted boys wanking off on camera, I was born for that," "I've filmed myself loads of times." "No, thank you, Dean." " Have a look." " No, really, thank you." "And they weren't... wanking off." "You weren't there all the time." " Oh." "Really?" " That Tomasz kid, he was touching up Meatballs." "Well, they're all grounded now, thank God." " Meatballs?" "!" " Anyway, I'm not back till tomorrow." "I'm off to this thing in Crewe, with the nudists." "A naked barbecue, it's asking for trouble." "I've got to drive him all the way there, then drive all the way back so I can go to work!" " I hope he appreciates you." " I do!" "I love her, don't I, Scotts?" "He does, he loves me." " See ya, then!" " Bye!" "DOOR CLOSES DOWNSTAIRS" "Yes?" "Hello." "Is that it?" "I just wanted to say sorry." "About your mum and dad." "SIGHS:" "You pissed them off." "SNIGGERS:" "And that's brilliant!" "Dad's climbing the walls." "It's the best thing you ever did." "D'you want some of this?" "Um..." "My mother gave us a whole crate." "Well, she gave it to me." "But I'm democratic." "I'm going out." "She asked about..." "HE SNIGGERS ... a teacher from my school." "Mr Pascoe." "Left his job and his wife overnight, apparently." "My mother said, "He taught you, did you hear anything?"" "I said, "No, that's weird, he was nice."" "HE SNIGGERS" "Come and celebrate!" "What the hell." "Here we go." "Nice place." " Very nice." " Yeah, we've been here six years, although... it's just me now." "So, this is it." "I haven't done anything complicated," "I've just got some nice fillet steak, if that's OK?" " It's just the two of us?" " Yeah." "OK." "Didn't I say?" " I dunno." "Can't we get a takeaway?" " I've got steaks." "What, and potato dauphinoise?" "It's a bit sort of..." "sweet." "I mean." "For fuck." " Have you got Sky?" " Yeah." " Have you got movies?" " Yeah." "Let's just watch a film and get a Chinese." "That's fine." "That's great." "I've got a menu in the kitchen." " And... d'you want a glass?" " I will." "I'll be civilised." "Won't be long!" "MUSIC:" "Queen Bee by Middle Of The Road" "♪ ... are very pleased ♪" "♪ And as they buzz ♪" "♪ As they make the honey ♪" "FREDDIE JOINS IN: * The queen bee comes and takes all the honey *" "♪ Honey for the kids in the comb ♪" "♪ I can hear them all singing away ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah, yeah... ♪" "TEXT ALERT" "♪ Yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah... ♪" " * Queen bee comes and takes all the honey * - _" "♪ Money for the kids in the comb ♪" "♪ I can hear them all singing away ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪" "♪ Hey, yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah ♪" "♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah ♪" "♪ Oh, yeah!" "♪" " ACTION FILM ON TV" " Him!" "OK." "I can see he's handsome." "He's amazing." "I get that." "Be fair." "I'd do him." "I'd watch." "You dirty bastard." "I was quite old, I was 19." "Is that old?" "Who was he?" "His name was James." "It wasn't anything special." "This big party." "A friend's house in Sale, everyone drunk... we started out in that bedroom that's always full of coats, then we thought, "Not a good idea."" "So we found this little boxroom." "All a bit... frantic." "No, thanks." "I was 14." "We used to go to this pub, in Denton, it's closed now, there was a shooting." " You posh boys(!" ")" " LAUGHS:" "Yeah!" "Roughing it!" "The landlord knew we were 14, he invited us in." "Free drinks." "After hours." "I realise now." "I didn't care..." "I was 14, I wanted to do it with anyone." "So I did it with him, in the yard." "How old was he?" "30s. 35... 36..." " An older man." " Mm-hm." "There's always an older man." "He'd be my age now." "I'd do him again, if I saw him." "In his 40s?" "Yeah." "It's Friday night, we should go out on the piss, get laid." "I'm not moving!" "I'm full." "We can't just waste it!" "You go out." "I've had a good time, I'm fine." "It's not like she even noticed, is it?" "All the signs, staring at her, not a fucking clue." "Who?" "I couldn't have been more obvious!" "Cathy." "Catherine." "All those times I was fucking about like crazy, my wife didn't even notice!" "I mean, what the fuck was I supposed to do?" "!" "All right." "Calm down." " That's nothing to do with me, OK?" " Why'd you ask me here?" " Cos we're mates." " D'you fancy me?" " Oh, don't do that." " I mean it, though." "Otherwise you're not being fair." "Do you fancy me?" " It's kind of obvious, isn't it?" " Is that a yes?" "Yes!" "LAUGHS:" "Oh, you pussy." "Piss off!" "Do you ever wank over me?" " That's enough." " I fancy Jane, at work," "I toss off thinking about her, it's the most natural thing in the world." "So do you?" "Wank?" "Thinking about me?" "Well, of course I do." "Oh, man!" "It doesn't mean anything!" "What do we do?" "In the wank?" " Shut up!" " No, but what do we do?" "I dunno." "We... have a Chinese and watch a film." "Ha-ha(!" ") And then what?" "And then you fuck my arse, Daniel." "You fuck me all over the house, all night long." "Never gonna happen." " I know." " Never gonna happen, mate." "Why not?" "Who's gonna know?" "Cos, look, you'll go home tonight and have a wank over Jane." "Why not have more?" "Why not have the works?" "Why not go all the way and have a fuck with someone who could work you like magic, so you're walking around on Saturday morning, like, "Yes!"" "Remember that?" "The morning after a fuck?" "Who doesn't want that?" "You've got me hard now." "What shall I do?" "What d'you want me to do?" "Don't take the piss out of me." "Fuck it!" "HE LAUGHS UNCERTAINLY" "Stay there." "HE INHALES" "No." " Oh, come on." " Don't." " I'm so hard." " Fucking don't!" " Hands by your sides." " I'm so hard." "Hands by your sides." "Yeah." "Come on, then." " What a great cock." " Shut up." " That is such a good cock." " Stop it." " I want to suck that cock, yeah." " Shut the fuck up... !" "Ugh..." "Ohh... !" "HE PANTS" "HE EXHALES" "That'll do." " Nice." " You happy?" " Is it my turn now?" " No way." "You can lick that up, you fucking dog." "Oh, he was the best sex of my life." "You're only 24." "He was from Halifax." "Mmm!" "Student nurse." "It was like we just locked." "Y'know, like... when he's fucking you, it can take a while, at the start, cos you've got to kind of... sync." "Not him." "He went inside me like a machine." "Literally, he was shafting me like a fucking piston, and then we flipped it and I fucked him and..." "Ohh..." "Oh, man!" "MUSIC:" "My Hologram (Nothing Special) by Eyedress" "I've got such a hard-on." "It's been a good week for me." "How do you mean?" "Fucking my dads off." "You can go." "Yeah." "PHONE VIBRATES" "MULTIPLE TEXT ALERTS" "_" "TAXI ENGINE IDLES" " I'll see you at work, then." " Yeah." "We could do that again." "If you wanted." "I was just having a laugh, y'know?" "Great." "If... that's OK?" "I'd like it." "I'd like it a lot." "Thanks." "See you soon." "_" "_" "Hi there." " Hello." " Right, do you want a... a coffee?" "I mean, another one, or... ?" "No, I'm fine." "Right." "Two ticks." "What can I get you?" "Erm, a... a... skinny latte, thanks." "Regular." "BEAN GRINDER WHIRRS" "You know what you should do, don't you?" "I'll tell you what you should do!" " You know what to do, don't you?" " Know what you should do?" " Go home." " Go home!" " Just go home." " Go home." "MILK STEAMER SCREECHES SUDDENLY" "One day, the entire human race will come to an end and the earth will be reduced to a desolate wilderness, and do you know why?" "We'll be killed off by a virus." "And do you know where that virus will come from?" "A coffee shop." "It will mutate inside that filthy little rag they use to wipe the steamer." "Those things are filthy!" "Marie had a go at me on Facebook." "Good." "She's just snide." "She loves me." "So... how's the flat?" "How's life with Freddie?" "It's good." "We're... getting on." "We're kind of friends, now, it's like we all just kind of..." "And how's things with this new boyfriend of yours?" " Who told you?" " Cleo." "She sounded pissed off." "What's been going on?" "Maybe she should lead her own life, instead of chasing after mine." "So, how old is he?" "He's not really a boyfriend, it's just a..." " thing, it wasn't even..." " She said he's 40, is that right?" " I've finished with him." " But he was 40?" "He's gone." "The funny thing is, he was such a Tory." "Can you imagine Cleo?" "Can you imagine me?" "!" " Cos he said..." " You left me to run around with boys in their 20s, little blond boys in their pants." "That makes sense, I get it, best of luck to you, Henry, great." "But if you're going out with someone who's 40, why aren't you going out with me?" "I think..." "Technically  I didn't leave you." "I..." " I walked away when you..." " All right." "Whatever you say, Henry." "Whatever, whatever!" "And he's gone." "I don't care!" "Except, clearly, you do." "I'll just stop talking, because you've got to have the last word, haven't you?" "So if I don't say anything, then you can't, can you?" "I asked her if you gave any money to those boys." "She said, "Yes."" " You paid the rent for that kid Dean." " Once!" "It was £400, that's all, it was an unpaid bill." "Well, then, I'm not giving you your money back." "If that's why you wanted to meet me, I'm not." "No." "That's not why." "Although... since you introduced the subject, let me say," " it is definitely my money!" " Yes." "And I'm not gonna let you throw it away on stupid little boys." "If you get your life together, I can keep giving you an allowance, and then, in six months, we can look at it again." "Because we'll have to sort out the house by then." " In what way?" " I want to buy your half, I suppose." "And that depends on work, if I can move up a level." "Right." "You've really planned this." "Yeah." "It's not about the money." " So, why did you want to see me?" " Although it really is mine." "Henry, what do you want?" "I suppose..." "I was thinking..." "Oh, it's all been a bit  mental." "And..." "I sort of got  lost... to be honest." "It's funny, cos someone asked me, the other day, they said," " "Do you know what you should do... ?"" " I've met someone." "OK." "He's nice." "Good." "Who is he?" "Just..." " ... this bloke." " Not that man from the date?" " No, someone else." " How old?" "36." "Early days." "Might be nothing." "But he's mad, he's completely mad." "HE CHUCKLES" "God, I'd forgotten how mad men can be." "And..." "I mean, he's insane." "But I think there's a chance." "Are..." "Are you actually going out?" "We're sort of... circling." "But he wants more, I think." "I do." "That's what I'd forgotten... the adrenaline." "When a man gets inside and fills your head and..." "He is  beautiful." "Seriously." "That's good(!" ")" "I can see why you did it." "Chasing after Freddie." "You make sense now!" "Thank you." "It's still so important, after all these years." "Cock." "HE SIGHS HEAVILY" "Sorry." "What for?" "You know." "We had all that time, and..." " We had brilliant times." " Yeah, we did." " We did so many things together." " Yeah!" "And there's so many things we didn't do." "You told me to wait." "I told you I wouldn't." "And..." " here we are." " No, it's great, cos it's..." "If you think..." "All the things we ever..." "You know..." "I mean..." "Good times and... more of them!" "I was just  kind of..." " Have you seen Raymond recently?" " No, but I called him." "He's OK, he's not dying after all." "I never thought he was." "He's an idiot!" "Is that why you wanted to see me?" "Raymond's health?" "No." "So, what was it?" "It was about the money." "OK." "So... ?" "We'll have a look." " In six months." " That's not fair." "Are we done?" "I think so." "I'll give you a call." " Nice to see you." " And you." "Good luck." "He's lucky." "Yeah, he is." "DOOR CLOSES" "RUMBLING" "HE BREATHES SHAKILY" "MILK STEAMER DRONES" "MILK STEAMER INTENSIFIES" "MILK STEAMER STOPS ABRUPTLY" "BREATHES SHAKILY"