"I am sorry, my little friend, we have no, how do you call it..." "Bandages." "Did you hurt yourself bad?" "No, it's for this." "Ooh!" "Dios mio!" "How old are you?" "Fourteen." "Have you got any headache tablets?" "My head's banging." "You got the hangover?" "Where is your father?" "He's in prison." "As the English say, 'No shit, Shylock.'" "Get over here now!" "Not you!" "I was just asking for some bandages to cover my tattoo." "Don't make me come over there!" "Don't make her come over here." "All right." "I'll see you later." "Adios, amigo, it was nice knowing you." "Michael!" "Hello, mate, I don't suppose you know if there's any bar jobs going here." "What?" "Do you know if there's any bar jobs going here?" "Going where?" "Going here." "Going here from where?" "Do you know if there's any bar jobs available?" "No." "There are no jobs." "They are not coming, they are not going." "There is nothing here for you." "Good morning." "Is there a problem?" "Did that young lad come through here looking for bandages?" "No problem, I was just asking if there were any job vacancies, but I can see all your staff are..." "of a certain age." "No worries." "Have a good day." "Hey!" "What did you mean?" "I am not old like him!" "Thanks a lot, pal!" "I'm sorry, Les, I could not let him get away with saying this." "You didn't have to say THAT!" "He's got a point." "We have had a lot of younger staff leave recently." "And I say good riddance to them." "The young 'uns might be nicer to look at, but you can't beat experience." "I told 'em they were tanning pills." "How long does it take to test 'em?" "They do it in about 30 seconds on that programme on the telly." "They scrape a bit off, put it in that little bag of liquid, shake it, and if it goes blue, it's drugs." "Job done." "Knowing my luck they've swallowed a handful and they're waiting to turn brown." "I see they work on teeth as well." "He'll be down when he's hungry." "Thank you for that inspired insight into the working mind of a teenage boy." "What are you having a go at me for?" "It wasn't me that was supposed to be keeping an eye on him when he went off the rails." "It was that northern family's kid." "Dirty plebs." "You know he got a tattoo last night?" "Who?" "Tiger?" "No, what's-her-name's son." "Janice." "Yes, your friend Janice." "Oh, will you just drop it?" "The woman needed a lift to the airport, so I gave her one." "In your dreams!" "A lift to the airport, for God's sake!" "This place is absolutely crawling." "No, it's not, it's fine." "You are one cheap bastard, you know that?" "Tonya..." "Yesterday you agreed this wasn't a four-star, and we were moving." "Then when that manageress knocked 80% off the bill, oh, all of sudden, it's not that bad, and the fact that a member of staff set fire to our towels is a mere inconvenience." "TONYA!" "The day you get off your lazy arse and decide to contribute to the income of this family instead of pissing your life away on coffee mornings and botox parties, then I would be more than happy to give you a say in matters of finance." "Morning." "Tiger!" "How's Mummy's little bubba?" "Mum, for God's sake!" "Is this mine?" "Course it is, darling." "Now what can Mamma get you?" "Nothing." "I only came down cos it was too noisy to sleep up there." "The couple next door were really going for it." "All right, spare us the details, will you?" "I did." "Good morning!" "Another day in paradise!" "Hola!" "Have you settled in OK?" "Yes, thank you." "I do believe we're neighbours!" "We heard you arguing last night." "Quite a humdinger!" "Yeah, well, erm..." "No, no..." "No explanations necessary." "First time we came to Spain," "Jacqueline threw a chest of drawers at me, didn't you?" "More a vanity unit." "It's the heat, you see." "Don't worry, you'll soon acclimatise!" "And don't forget to give us a couple of bangs on the wall if we make too much noise." "We can get a bit, er, lost in the moment, can't we?" "Oh, yes." "The word 'Tantric' springs to mind." "With us it's definitely a marathon, not a sprint!" "Hasta luego!" "I think I'm going to vomit." "Busy out here today." "Yeah, it's filling up." "You'd better grab us a couple of sun beds." "Kenneth, you said now we've got the green light from your Uncle Bertie, we can open the salon properly." "Yes, and we will, Liam, love, in great style - tomorrow." "Really?" "Yeah." "So today we have to mentally and physically prepare ourselves." "Two sun beds." "Here we are." "Two Harvey Floor Bangers." "You boys have started early." "We have a lot to celebrate, Lesley." "Namely tomorrow's grand re-opening of Blow 'n' Go." "Fantastic!" "Hey, you can't fit us in for some highlights, can you?" "I liked this bob when I first got it, but it needs a bit of jazzing up." "Yeah, no problem, love." "Same again, love." "Nay t'bother." "Are you gonna come in to get your hair done, Dad?" "No, I'm working all day tomorrow." "I'll just leave it in a jiffy bag at reception." "Smashing!" "Aww!" "The epitome of a modern parent!" "Oh, I don't pity him." "I think he's fabulous." "Two Harvey Floor Bangers, please, amigo." "Lesley, is OK for you to do them?" "I am going for a break." "How lame, man." "Play the game, man, we're chocka block this morning." "Allow me." "Hey!" "Hey!" "What are you doing?" "You'll have to come away from there, lad, it's staff only." "Hey!" "What is wrong with you?" "Are you a deaf?" "Get out of my bar!" "What's going on?" "I don't know, the lad just jumped over the counter." "I'm sorry, you'll have to come away from that bar." "Are you listening?" "Lesley, can we get some security here, please?" "How lovely!" "Two Harvey Floor Bangers." "Well, my version." "Tastes twice as good, but uses half the amount of alcohol." "Oh, my god, that tastes amazing!" "Kenneth!" "I'm sorry, but it does." "You, come with me." "What?" "Wait!" "Miss Temple-Savage, you said there are no vacancies!" "Miss Temple-Savage!" "Oh, my days, that is absolutely delicious!" "You can say that again." "These references are all well and good, Mr, er, Gallagher..." "Please, call me Jason." "But as I told you before your little outburst behind the bar, we simply have no vacancies." "You see, we have no vacancies." "Simples." "Take your squashed face and your magic powder somewhere else." "Thank you, goodbye, have a nice life." "You're an all-inclusive!" "The only way for you to increase profits is to make your customers drink less alcohol." "Look, let me work here for one week, for nothing, and then check your stock." "I guarantee you'll have used half the alcohol, meaning double your profits." "Why would you want to work here for a week for nothing?" "Cos I'm desperate for a job." "I thought that part was obvious." "Miss Temple-Savage, if you want me to make fancy cocktails and shake my ass like this one, I can do for you." "No offence, mate, I wouldn't shake too hard - something might fall off." "What?" "What's the saying?" "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." "Old dog?" "OK, that's enough." "Come outside with me now and I will kill you." "Come on!" "Oops." "Hey hey hey hey!" "How is this?" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Get off!" "Ooh!" "I have just been to the hairdresser!" "Oh..." "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "For goodness' sake, stop it, boys!" "Look at the state of both of you!" "You're all hot and... sweaty and half naked." "Mateo, get back to work." "And Jason, you're on a week's trial behind the bar with no pay and no guarantee of a job at the end of it!" "I won't let you down." "I'll be everything you want me to be." "And more." "Ooh..." "Oh, I think I'm having a hot flush!" "I want to stay in the room." "You, my lad, are not leaving my sight." "You should hobble him." "What does that mean?" "Break his ankles, like in that film Misery." "He wouldn't get far then." "This arrangement will do just fine for now, thanks, Mother." "All right, Mikey?" "Keep walking!" "Scum!" "Leave it, Mother." "I don't want to hear a peep out of you, do you hear me?" "Good morning!" "Do you go home at any point or do you actually live here?" "Why?" "Every time we come here on holiday, you're here!" "We always have the same two weeks every year." "Same two weeks." "We're creatures of habit, aren't we, Jacqueline?" "Oh, yeah." "Creatures is the right word." "You'd get a job frightening kids to bed." "Get up off that, it's for your father!" "My father's not here." "Well, he will be." "I'm off to get him." "They might not even let him out - thanks to her." "Don't you blame me!" "Whose fault is it, then?" "Everything OK with Mick?" "Yeah, everything's fine, thank you." "No, everything's not fine." "Thanks to her, my dad's being held at Alicante Airport for suspected drug smuggling." "Oh, 'eck!" "I told you!" "Hobble him!" "I'll hold his legs for you." "What are you doing?" "I'm not sitting next to her." "I want to be in the shade!" "I'm not sitting in the shade, so you can piss off!" "You are gonna sit where I put you." "And if I come back and you've moved one inch, believe me, you'll wish you HAD been gobbled!" "Hobbled!" "Whatever!" "Janice, if Mick is in some kind of trouble with the authorities, we may be able to help you." "Oh, yeah, that's all you need, The Fritzels fighting your case for you." "How do you mean?" "Jacqueline and I have a direct contact at the British Consulate." "Dropping the right name in the right place can open a few doors." "Or at least the one Mick is currently sitting behind." "Just swim where Mamma can see you, darling." "Shut up!" "Ahh!" "He's tired." "Oh, my god!" "What?" "She's going off with that bloke!" "What bloke?" "That... rough bird has gone off with one of the swingers." "Oh, my god!" "That's it!" "This is a swingers' hotel!" "You have brought us to a swingers' hotel!" "Don't be ridiculous." "Where are you going?" "I'm gonna give them a lift to the airport." "No, you are not!" "I promised her I'd take her back there today." "I'll be back as soon as I can." "Clive, I am warning you, if you leave me here on my own," "I will not talk to you for the rest of this holiday." "You drive a hard bargain, but you've got yourself a deal." "Bastard!" "Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen!" "It must be terrible to be a hen-pecked husband." "We had this geography teacher at school." "Mr Pickering." "We all thought he was gay cos he was a bit, well, camp." "When we went on a school trip to France and one night he got drunk and told us not only was he married, but he wanted to leave his wife for Mrs Raymond, the history teacher." "And even though she knew he was married, she still didn't believe Mr Pickering was straight." "Can you imagine, a big wet lettuce who just can't meet the right girl cos everybody thinks he's gay?" "Yeah, imagine that." "Ah, you OK, bubba?" "Yeah." "You want anything from the shop?" "No, thank you, my sweet pea." "Oh, there's money in my purse if you need it, darling." "Oh, erm, thanks." "Shouldn't be much longer now." "Great." "And then when we get to the bus station in Benidorm, the buses to Alicante are at least one every hour." "Where is the bus station in Benidorm?" "Can't we just walk?" "Oh, no, I'm afraid not." "I picked up a rather nasty groin injury while filling in for a friend at the London Naturist Olympics last month." "A trampoline can be a pretty savage piece of equipment when you're completely naked." "Can I give you a lift?" "We're fine, thank you." "Wonderful!" "Alicante Airport, if it's not too much trouble." "I said we're fine, thank you." "Look, I heard about the tattoo." "I'm sorry my Tiger was with your son at the time but you can't blame him." "No, I'm sure he wasn't to blame." "Thank you for the offer of a lift, but no, thank you." "We've never been here before, my son wouldn't know where to get a tattoo." "You see, they've never been here before!" "If your son goes anywhere near my son in the next week..." "Oh, dear, there goes the bus!" "Well, why didn't it stop?" "This is supposed to be a bus stop!" "I think it might have something to do with this car being parked here." "Oh dear, the natives are turning ugly." "I think we'd better get in." "Boo!" "All right." "You are hilarious." "I don't really smoke, to be honest." "Really?" "You can't tell!" "Go on son, cough it up, it might be a gold watch." "What does that mean?" "I dunno." "Something my old man says." "Beer?" "Nah, I think I'll just have an orange juice." "One orange juice and one beer, please, mate." "It's for my dad." "I don't remember much about it." "We were in that bar on the beach for ages, then you said you wanted a tattoo." "Really?" "I said that?" "Yeah, man." "I was like, 'A tattoo?" "Are you serious?" "How old are you again?" "'" "And you were like, 'Yeah, I've wanted one for ages!" "'" "I don't remember ever wanting a tattoo." "You tried to talk me into one, but I was like, 'You're joking." "That shit is on your body for life!" "'" "Yeah..." "Oh..." "What's this?" "Oh!" "It's the all-inclusive wrist bands." "They've changed the packaging." "It said in my stars, today would be full of thrilling surprises!" "Hasta luego." "Hasta lumbago to you as well." "Maria, take this to my office, would you?" "Hello." "Yes." "The Solana, Joyce Temple-Savage speaking." "How much spending money did you bring on this holiday?" "Not much, plus I spent it all yesterday on drinks and this tattoo." "You fancy making a bit of money?" "Aaargh!" "Ohhh!" "He's blinded me!" "And can you just tell me about this one again?" "How many times?" "That one's the water park, the one with the slides on the front and the water." "And they've got animals here?" "No." "You've not been listening." "That's THIS one, the Terra Natura, the one with the lion on the front." "How am I a racist?" "Having learning difficulties isn't a race." "Please let go of my arm!" "People have ignored me all my life, just because I can't read or write." "I'm not ignoring you, I'm trying to get rid of you!" "My dad hits me!" "I'm not surprised!" "Huh..." "Oh, for God's sake, Maria, it would have been far too easy to put them on the desk." "Huh..." "Oh, there it is." "Miss Temple-Savage, I think you better come outside." "What's the problem, Liam?" "I'm up to my eyes in it!" "Mateo is trying to strangle the new member of staff." "Oh, for goodness' sake, it's like running a zoo!" "You are a little dwarf." "For heaven's sake, man, think about what you're doing!" "Get off me, Lesley!" "I've never seen anything like it." "Really?" "Oh, I have." "In fact this is basically my DVD collection." "Apart from the tranny pensioner, of course." "Stop it!" "The lot of you, just stop it!" "Will you stop it!" "Stop it!" "Mateo, what the hell is going on?" "This guy is trying to make me look stupid." "You don't need any help with that, mate." "Mateo!" "Inside!" "This guy cannot just come and take over my bar!" "You are working on reception all this week." "Miss Temple-Savage!" "Please!" "I said, inside!" "Now!" "I'm sorry about that." "Mr Castellanos can be a little territorial, but it's all healthy competition." "Healthy competition?" "He just tried to strangle me!" "It means he likes you." "God help you if he didn't." "Grand!" "Take the second road on the left." "I'm going on the toll road." "No, no, for heaven's sake, man, have you fallen out with your money?" "Isn't the toll road be quicker?" "I know a really good short cut." "Stay on this road." "The toll road is better, it's only three euros." "What are you doing?" "You lunatic!" "You could have had us all killed there!" "Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves!" "Thank you for your patience, Mr Gravy." "We have the results back on your contraband." "It's Garvey." "Excuse me?" "My name's Garvey, not Gravy." "I am here to tell you, Mr Gravy, to traffic drugs into this country is a criminal offence." "Oh, God!" "I didn't smuggle anything." "They weren't even mine!" "An offence that carries a minimum fine of 1,000 euros and a maximum jail sentence of 25 years!" "I want a solicitor." "I want a solicitor here now!" "Can you imagine spending the rest of your life in a jail cell no bigger than this room?" "No." "Can you imagine being incarcerated for 23 hours a day, never seeing your loved ones again, eating flies and cockroaches to keep you alive?" "No." "Then it is lucky for you the contents of these tablets is nothing but herbal." "What?" "They are herbal." "There is nothing in them that concerns us." "You... are free to go." "Well what was all that about, then?" "What was all what about?" "The 23 hours a day locked in a tiny cell eating cockroaches?" "My local drama society are soon having open auditioning for the musical Oliver." "I am hoping for the part of Mr Bumbles." "You think I am in with a shot?" "Your possessions are outside the door." "Mr Gravy, welcome to Spain." "Dickhead." "♪ One boy!" "♪ Boy for sale!" "♪" "Right..." "I'm pretty certain if we turn around" "I might just be able to find the way back to the toll road." "Oh, brilliant!" "♪ One man went to mow Went to mow a " "Shut up!" "Come on, now, 20 euros each, unlimited alcohol, food and use of all four-star facilities." "Shit!" "Look!" "OK, sorry, ladies and gents, my business partner and I will be back later." "I've just remembered an appointment we've got with a swimming pool and some San Miguel." "All right, young 'un?" "They cannot do this to me." "Listen, pal, you'll have to wind your neck in or losing your job is gonna be the least of your problems." "I have to do what with my neck?" "But Auntie Lesley has got a plan up her sleeve." "I say to the new bar man there's no point doing a whole week's unpaid work when we can settle this with a grand cocktail competition." "You against him." "The audience decides the winner, the loser leaves the Solana." "But how can I do this?" "He is better than me with his juggling and his gay fairy dust." "He is at the moment, but I'm gonna cover your shift while you spend the day with my mate, Calvino." "Who is Calvino?" "Topping!" "Exhilarating places, airports." "You reckon?" "Oh, yes." "As a young man I used to hang about Glasgow Airport for hours on end." "I bet you did." "Every face tells a story." "This guy, for instance." "Who is Miguel?" "A long-lost son?" "A feuding brother?" "An illicit affair?" "Are you on drugs?" "It's just a taxi driver." "Ok, well, what about this one, then?" "On the face of it, a young, carefree holidaymaker, but I say high-class European prostitute, only works for the high rollers." "Every night a different country, every night a different millionaire Arab sheik." "Oh, my god!" "Yes, she's quite something." "Don't forget to ask for a VAT receipt!" "Bianca?" "Dad!" "What are you doing here?" "You're supposed to be in the Maldives." "I..." "I came to see you." "What do you mean, you came to see me?" "From the Maldives?" "Well, not just you." "Mum, Tiger..." "Why didn't you call me?" "When did you book your flight?" "What's going on?" "Hey, hey, come here, come here." "It's all right, everything's all right." "Now, tell me what's going on." "He's left me!" "Hugo's left me!" "What?" "I want my momma!" "Come on, princess, come on, come on." "Let's go." "He's gone." "He left half an hour ago." "Who?" "Mick." "My husband." "Who did you think I was talking about?" "Oh, yes, of course!" "Oh, blast!" "We must just have missed him." "Thanks to your shortcut." "Where's Clive?" "I think we've been dumped." "What do you mean, dumped?" "For a high-class European prostitute." "I must say, I had Clive down as being a little reserved, but you should have seen him, he was like a ferret up a drainpipe!" "He's not answering his phone." "Well, make him answer his phone." "How do I do that?" "You don't even know if your grandson is with my son." "Oh, he's with him, all right." "First time I saw your lad I thought, 'There's trouble.' I beg your pardon?" "It's always the same, the slow kids at school drag the others down to their level." "What?" "Oh, yes, I spotted your lad a mile off." "A wonky fringe, a fat tongue and a lazy eye." "A face like he's been chasing parked cars." "You listen to me..." "Oi, Madge!" "Heel!" "And where the frig have you been?" "You know full well where I've been." "They went to collect you ages ago." "I can only apologise for the toxic dumping ground otherwise known as my mother-in-law's gob." "Don't you apologise for me." "Oh, you're Mick!" "My husband went to find your wife to take her to the airport." "Been gone some time, haven't they?" "You won't see them for the rest of the day." "Shut up or I'll sit you in the shade." "You'll do no such frigging thing." "I think I saw your husband yesterday at the airport - short fella, brown hair, face like a squashed frog?" "That's him." "Oh, right." "I must have just missed them." "Mick Garvey." "Tonya." "Tonya Dyke." "Well, Mrs Dyke," "I'm sure he'll be back soon and I can thank him for giving my missus... a lift." "He's an idiot." "And don't worry, he'd never make a move on your wife." "No, no, I wasn't suggesting" " For one, he knows I'd cut his balls off, and two, he probably couldn't reach." "Dad?" "Hey!" "You all right?" "When did YOU get here?" "Just now." "What have you done to your arm?" "Er, I burnt it in the pool." "You burnt it in the pool?" "Yeah, I was in the pool, and my arm was resting on the side and I forgot to put sun cream on." "Where's my mam?" "Come on, let's go and wait for her in reception." "I'll see you later." "Yeah, laters." "Never forget, bubba, whatever people say about you, your momma thinks you are beautiful." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Where on earth did you learn to toss your bottles like that?" "If it's not a rude question." "Just picked stuff up working in bars." "Do you know what I mean?" "Oh, yeah, I know what you mean." "So how long have you worked here for?" "Just over a year now." "Came here on holiday and couldn't face going back home." "Tell me about it." "Well, I think you're doing a great job." "Oh!" "Why, thank you, sir." "I mean, I love kids, but I couldn't work with them all the time." "Kids?" "Yeah." "What do you mean?" "You are a kids' entertainer, aren't you?" "No." "Oh, sorry, I just thought with you being dressed like a clown..." "A clown?" "Well, you know, the garish clothes, the padding, the make-up..." "I am wearing the slightest touch of foundation." "And as for my clothes..." "Hang on, did you say padding?" "Look, mate, loads of people wear fancy dress in Benidorm." " No offence, yeah?" " Hello?" "Yes, ladies..." "I am not wearing fancy dress!" "Excuse me, can you tell me where Dicky Donut's Kids Club is?" "Piss off!" "Come on, sweet pea, dry your eyes, your mum's by the pool." "This is where you're staying?" "Oh, my god, what a dump!" "Hugo booked us into a five-star beach bungalow in the Maldives." "Yeah, but then he chucked you." "Oh, sorry, baby, I didn't mean to say that." "Come on, let's go outside." "Come on, come on." "Thanks, pal." "De nada." "Hey, little friend, did you manage to cover up your ta " "My burn?" "Yeah, yeah, it's healing nicely, thanks." "What is 'burn'?" "I was talking about your tat " "Tan burn, yeah." "I've just put some sun cream on it." "Come on, shall we go and sit over there?" "If you like." "Alfonso." "Prego." "Where's he going?" "He's in training for the Benidorm Marathon." "Benidorm Marathon?" "I've never heard such rubbish." "You'll be telling me there's a Benidorm Weight Watchers group next." "Mick!" "Hey!" "Oh, I've been worried about you!" "I'm all right." "We went to pick you up but, well, it's a long story." "All's well that end's well." "As one ex-con to another, I hope your time in the pokey wasn't too hard." "If you get my drift." "No, thankfully I don't." "Have you got a key?" "I've got to have a shower." "I don't mind smelling my own BO, but I'm starting to taste it now." "Here you go." "All right." "Mwah!" "Right, see you outside." "Mum, can you do me a favour?" "What?" "Can we not tell my Dad about my tattoo?" "Not just yet." "Well, he's gonna find out about it eventually, but you've got a point." "I think he's had enough for one day." "I got a tattoo while in prison." "It's the letters WW." "I won't tell you where it is, but suffice to say when I tie my shoelaces, it says 'Wow'." "Come on, let's go." "Right, come on, sup up." "We've got to get these back to the Solana." "I did say we didn't have time!" "Ssh!" "I'm just going to say thanks to Eduardo for these bottles." "Thanks, Eddie, love." "I'll get them back to you tomorrow." "No problem." "So you've definitely never seen him?" "Sorry." "Have you lost somebody?" "You've not seen this fella, have you?" "I've got a substantial reward for any information leading to him." "I think me and you need to have a little talk." "Are we going or what?" "One for the road, Liam." "One for the road." "Have you seen Lesley?" "I think she's working on the pool bar." "We're absolutely mobbed!" "You haven't got a spare few hours, have you?" "No, not really." "We're going through the plans for the grand re-opening of Blow 'n' Go tomorrow." "You're not selling those drinks in your salon?" "They're not real." "They're made of rubber." "Uh, I don't want to know." "Are you sure you can't spare a couple of hours?" "I'm sorry, Joyce, we're rushed off our feet." "15 euros an hour." "Where do you want us?" "You on reception... and you behind the bar." "I don't mind going behind the bar." "No, thank you." "The profits are narrow enough as it is." "Charming!" "If you need me, I'll be in Ragtimes." "Solana Benidorm." "Uno." "Dos." "Dos." "Y aqui." "Tres." "So that's 11:30, outside the hotel." "And I don't want to go to no crappy karaoke bar." "I've got very expensive taste." "I'm sure you have." "See you tonight." "See you tonight." "Right, looks like I'm gonna have to go to work earlier than planned." " Cover me." " Hey!" "Shit!" "You are next!" "You are next." "Have you lost something?" "Erm, no." "Just looking for Joyce, the manager." "You won't find her in the top drawer behind reception." "She usually has her break in the second drawer down." "Second drawer." "Very good." "She's in Ragtimes." "Oh, yeah." "Ragtimes!" "Catch you later." "No." "No, I'll catch YOU later." "What's going on?" "It's packed." "Excuse me, love, have you got a table for four?" "I'm sorry, pet, we're absolutely chocka block." "Well, where are we supposed to eat our dinner?" "I'm sorry, Mrs H, I can maybe get you four chairs from the Hawaiian function room, but we can't fit any more tables in." "It's disgusting." "You should all be shot!" "♪ They say that you're a runaround lover" "♪ Though you say it isn't so" "♪ But if you put me down for another..." "This is ridiculous." "I've got so much gravy, it keeps going all over my shorts." "We'll eat this and then we'll go outside near the pool." "What, in the dark?" "Do you want to sit up here all night?" "I wanted to do karaoke." "It always boils down to what YOU want to do, doesn't it?" "I've already lost the first two days of my holiday because of you." "What's the difference?" "You're never around when people need you anyway." "Tell her, Janice, cos I am gonna lose it big time." "Shut up, the pair of you!" "Do you mind having your argument later?" "I'm trying to sing." "And we're trying to eat our dinner!" "♪ You say that you're at home when you phone me" "♪ And how much you really care..." "I'm not happy with this competition." "I didn't sanction it." "Look at it this way, if people are watching, they're not drinking." "That's true." "Ask them to spin it out as long as possible." "Hey, amigo, we owe Calvino at Jumping Jacks 65 euros." "The little bugger!" "He said he was giving you the lessons for nought." "It is not for the lessons, it is for all the bottles of alcohol I smashed." "Looks like I've arrived in the nick of time." "Practice bottles from the beach." "It's not who you know, it's who you've slept with." "♪ One of these days you're gonna be sorry..." "Complementary cocktails." "Thank you very much." "Will you please eat something?" "I don't wanna eat nothing." "She don't wanna eat nothing, she is grieving." "You gotta eat something, you've had nothing all day." "I'll have something later when I go out." "Go out?" "Where are you going out?" "I'm going out with a friend later." "Friend?" "What friend?" "You haven't got any friends." "I think you'll find it's YOU that hasn't got any friends." "Where you going, bubba?" "Just for some drinks with a couple of girls I was talking to earlier." "Lovely." "When did you speak to them?" "I didn't see you speaking to any girls." "Oh, for goodness' sake, will you shut up whining?" "That's all you've done since you arrived." "♪ Has a thousand eyes... ♪" " I'm liking this." " Excuse me." "Have you finished with them chips?" "That's the end of my first set this evening." "I'd like to thank my backing group for eating their pies in time to the music." "I couldn't have done it without you." "Do you want my pastry?" "Course I don't want your pastry." "It's soggy." "Nearly finished." "Your fish pie will be here in a minute." "No rush, I'm absolutely fine." "Reminds me of the old Amsterdam days." "Ooh, yeah!" "OK, ladies and gentlemen, we have two competitors" " Jason and Mateo." "The cocktail is Sex On The Beach..." "And we have three categories to score - bottle technique, cocktail appearance and cocktail flavour." "Take it away, boys!" "What's he playing at?" "Shut up and get on with it." "Bon appetite." "Excuse me, are you Joyce Temple-Savage?" "That is I. How can I be of assistance?" "I can't help noticing you're rather busy this evening." "We're a very popular four-star hotel." "My name's Beverley Westwood." "I manage..." "Four stars?" "I manage the all-inclusive Alberta on the front." "Oh, yes, I'm aware of it." "How can I help?" "We're rather busy tonight." "Yes, rather busy with too many guests, guests wearing all-inclusive wrist bands." "Stolen wrist bands I'd bet." "Stolen?" "Oh, yes." "And I've come to get the person responsible." "He's wiping the floor with you, man." "Do something impressive." "Come on!" "He's done it again!" "We've got to go!" "You what?" "Now." "I'll explain later." "Calm down." "What's the problem?" "You stay here, but I'm going." "Oi, come here!" "What the frigging hell's that?" "Eh?" "Answer me, when did you get this?" "Then I got the tip off that he'd been seen here, so I came over." "I knew something wasn't right when he offered to work for free." "Very perceptive." "The lad's got various scams - wrist bands just being one of them." "He worked for us as a life guard." "He nicked everything apart from the water in the pool." "The little..." "No." "Please." "Allow me." "Aye, not bad." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Not bad." "Just about the same." "Rubbish!" "Now let's have your votes by way of applause." "First of all for the brilliant Mateo!" "And for our second competitor, Jason." " Looks like a dead heat to me." " Ahhh!" "Jason!" "Jason!" "Jason!" "Mateo!" "Mateo!" "Sorry, mate, you can't argue with public opinion." "Oh, I think you can." "Shit!" "What's going on?" "Yeah, well he says your son did it." "No, I said he was with me." "Are you accusing my boy of forcing your son to get a tattoo?" "Absolute scum." "I knew it the first time I set eyes on this family." "I beg your pardon?" "Just leave it." "Give him a smack in the gob!" "I'm not going to be doing that, Madge, because..." "Whoa!" "Mick, what are you doing?" "That's it!" "What is going on?" "I think the new boy has just resigned." "So I keep my job?" "What do YOU you think?" "Now get behind that bar!" "Huh..." "Champion!" "Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells"