"Oh, you see." "I'm only gone a month, and half the country falls to the French." "Indeed." "And if you'd had only graced the dinosaurs with your presence, you could've prevented their extinction." "(GROANING) Hey, Billy, say hello to your ma for me." "Can we go now?" "Oh, come on, now." "I don't bitch when you drag me to those upscale, uptight, upturned-nose dinner joints of yours, now do I?" "Say, baby, two Buttery Nipples, and make it snappy." "BARMAID:" "Coming up." "That's it." "I agreed to share a drink with you, Jack, not watch you fondle the tavern maid." "Oh, relax, Em." "It's the name of a drink." "(CHUCKLING)" "What exactly do we have to celebrate?" "Do you really think Napoleon's acquired Louisiana to build a summer home there?" "Look, we managed to dump your tea in the river, sister." "What makes you think we can't bag a few French fries?" "All right, well, don't come crying to me when your wax wings melt, Jack." "Oh, drink your Nipple, will you?" "JEAN-CLAUDE: (SQUAWKING) Barmaid, bring me a whiskey, and make it a double." "Hey, I'd know that squawk anywhere." "I never thought you'd be fowl enough to frequent such a disreputable establishment, Jean-Claude." "Oh, I cannot help it, madame," "I seem to have an unquenchable thirst for sex on the beach." "(JEAN-CLAUDE BELCHING)" "(LAUGHING) That's another drink, Em." "It is?" "Look here, do you have a message for us, or not?" "The American Secretary of State will be arriving tomorrow with an offer to purchase Louisiana from the French." "I told you the old Red, White and Blue would come through." "Your mission is to protect the secretary while he is in Palau-Palau." "Bottoms up!" "(SLURPING)" "(BELCHING)" "Vive la resista..." "Oh." "He's gonna be feeling that in the morning." "I can't imagine all these troops are assembling for the arrival of a French ambassador." "Maybe he's got a lot of luggage." "Good morning, Governor." "Emilia, my dear." "Mon Dieu, you must not leave my sight today." "I am feeling very faint." "Oh, what on earth is the matter?" "Yeah, you're looking a little green there, Croquey." "What gives?" "He is coming." "He?" "Oui, he." "He who?" "He!" "He!" "Who "He"?" "He!" "He!" "For the love of God, man, get a hold of yourself and tell us who he be." "Allow me, monsieur." "I present Le Supreme Empereur de France," "Napoleon Bonaparte!" "What?" "What?" "(PLAYING LA MARSEILLAISE)" "(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)" "(CLEARING THROAT)" "(SINGING)" "In 1801, the Revolution had been won" "And Uncle Sam's favorite son" "Had a job he needed done" "Which brought Jack to a lady" "Both beautiful and smart" "Who found his mix intriguing" "A scoundrel with a heart!" "From the Halls of Montezuma" "To the shores of Tripoli" "There was never a leatherneck braver" "A daring dragoon is he!" "He'll halt the bold advance" "Of Napoleon's attack" "There ain't a French or pirate rogue" "Who don't know Jack!" "From the Halls of Montezuma" "To the shores of Tripoli" "Sailin' 'round the bloody world" "To defend democracy" "And when ya need a fightin' man" "To trust or watch your back" "Just ask the bloke right next to ya" "Damn right!" "It's Jack!" "(NAPOLEON CLEARS THROAT)" "Gloves!" "(GASPING)" "(EXCLAIMING) Napoleon, my dear brother, how I have missed you." "Have you not lost a little weight?" "I find you as I left you, laying down on the job!" "As always, I deserve to be flogged for my ineptitude." "Shall we say tomorrow at dawn?" "Why wait?" "(GRUNTING)" "(GASPING)" "Profiteroles." "My favorite." "You remembered." "How could I forget?" "Uh-uh-uh." "What is the sound little piggywiggies make?" "(SNORTING)" "(MIMICKING PIG SNORTING)" "(LAUGHING)" "(MOANING)" "Okay, now, that's weird." "Chair!" "GUARD:" "Yes, Emperor." "How dare you speak!" "I'm sorry, Leon." "I didn't know I had to take a number." "What my attaché means is, we are your most humble servants, Emperor." "The pleasure is all mine." "Your entrance was a case study in the element of surprise." "Precisely." "Never let them see you coming." "In his case, that shouldn't be a problem." "(CHUCKLING)" "(GRUNTING)" "(GROANING)" "(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)" "Now, then, who else would like to laugh themselves to death?" "BROGARD:" "Empereur, if I may." "We have prepared a parade in your honor." "Good." "Look how the masses adore you, my brother." "Fabulous." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "Come on, louder!" "Come on, louder!" "Talk about a captive audience." "(LAUGHING)" "Okay, here's the plan." "You get on the grassy knoll," "I'll position myself in the book depository, and we'll triangulate that evil genius to kingdom come." "Don't be silly, Jack." "That would never work." "You're right." "We need a patsy." "See how they have come for miles just to get a glimpse of you." "BROGARD:" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Louder!" "Here he comes again." "Cheer." "(ALL CHEERING)" "How about this?" "I stuff him in a pillow case, and we have a piòata party." "Oh, Jack." "Your overconfidence is blinding you to the fact that we are pitted against the most dangerous man on earth." "A beautiful day for croquet, my brother." "Emperor, forgive our rude intrusion, but I was hoping to glean some instruction from your negotiating tactics with the American." "In my experience, madame, women need no assistance in scheming." "But you may watch." "My chance to pull ahead, brother." "Oh, so close." "My turn." "Say, Leon, 50 bucks says you don't make that shot." "Does this peasant dare challenge me?" "I must apologize, Jack." "I have always found you very amusing, but unfortunately I will now have to execute you at once." "No, I will show this peasant that I can rise to meet any challenge." "Croque, down." "Up!" "Mallet!" "(JACK LAUGHING)" "Look." "A cloud in the shape of an éclair." "JACK:" "That doesn't look like an éclair." "No, not that one." "That one there, look." "(SNICKERING)" "Say, I smell a rat." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Empereur." "Gouverneur." "The American Secretary of State has arrived." "We are ready to begin negotiations." "Lead the way, Captain." "Go, horsy." "Now, remember, if the conversation should take an unfavorable turn, we'll guide it back on track." "Emilia, don't you worry about a thing." "Once that Secretary of State opens his mouth, he'll have that chiseling shyster eating out of the palm of his hand." "(SOLDIER SOUNDING OFF IN FRENCH)" "Presenting the American Secretary of State," "Monsieur James Madison." "The Empereur is ready to hear your offer now." "(CLEARING THROAT)" "On behalf..." "Enough!" "Execute him at once!" "SOLDIER:" "Oui, mon Empereur." "On second thought, wait for me." "But, Emperor, you have not even heard his offer." "Nor did he have any intention of doing so." "There is no better trap than the illusion of civility." "You see, madame, without his chief strategist," "President Jefferson will be quite unprepared for my brother's invasion force." "Which is on its way to Louisiana as we speak." "Come, Croque." "Jack?" "Emperor, might I suggest the secretary may be more valuable alive rather than dead?" "He could be held for ransom." "And he will be." "No one outside these walls need know that he's actually dead." "Let the execution begin!" "Where are you, Jack?" "My hands are tied." "(MUMBLING)" "(EXCLAIMING)" "Sacrebleu!" "(LAUGHS)" "Get off your butt, Croque!" "(LAUGHING)" "(ALL GRUNTING)" "JACK:" "Talk about a close shave." "Off you go, Jimmy." "Sorry, Emperor." "You won't be getting any head today." "(HORSE NEIGHING)" "Pistol, idiot!" "(GRUNTING)" "(GROANING)" "You do not know how I have fantasized about this moment." "Oh, yeah?" "Which one of us was Little Bo Peep?" "On second thought, don't answer that." "You must have marbles the size of croquet balls to crash my soirée." "Wait a minute." "You mean this isn't the Snagelvitz Bar Mitzvah?" "Oy vey, am I in the wrong place." "Brother, may I present the Daring Dragoon." "Hello." "You won't be so daring soon, Mr. Dragoon." "I shall so enjoy tearing you to pieces, limb by limb." "Off with his head!" "Wait!" "Before you meet your maker, you filthy heathen," "I must know." "It has been rumored that you are the greatest poker player in the known world." "I am?" "What?" "I mean, I am." "Yes, yes." "(LAUGHING)" "Why do you ask?" "Because, you insubordinate swine, the Emperor Napoleon is a strategist extraordinaire, and I find it very hard to believe that you could ever beat him if he were to accept your challenge." "Oh, yeah?" "I mean, oh, yeah?" "Emperor, I challenge you to a game of poker." "No!" "Empereur, no, please, I beg you." "This man has tortured us with his insolence." "Unmask him." "Then kill him, now." "(GRUNTING)" "Sure you could, but then I wouldn't play." "And I would die the greatest poker player that ever lived." "Oh, well." "Off with my head." "Wait!" "No." "I cannot resist a challenge." "We will play tonight at sunset." "And for every minute you are late, I shall kill one child!" "(EMILIA SNAPPING FINDERS)" "Oh, he's still in shock." "I don't know why he's so upset." "I'm the one who got shot." "Yes, well, perhaps if a certain someone had listened to a certain someone else, that certain someone wouldn't have been so overconfident." "Someone get me out of here." "Okay, now, hold still." "(SHOUTING) Quit giving me the evil eye, will you?" "I don't believe I've ever seen you quite this jumpy, Jack." "It's just your imagination, kiddo." "(GRUNTING)" "You're scared." "Mr. Devil-May-Care, World-At-His-Feet," "Broad-Shouldered Jack Stiles is actually scared." "Ha!" "Only two things scare me, sister." "Marriage and clown painting." "Look, Napoleon!" "Napoleon!" "(GLASS SHATTERING)" "All right." "There's something I never told you." "The day before I came to Palau-Palau, I went to a fortuneteller." "She told me, and I quote," ""The shrimp will be the death of you."" "I thought she was talking about the seafood." "Since when did you become superstitious?" "Since I got shot." "I've been dodging bullets my whole life." "Em, look, if I lose, our heads are gonna be sharing the same basket." "If they expose me, they'll know that you were in on it, too." "Yes, well, we've shared the risk since you arrived here, Jack." "Besides, I might be able to give you a hand." "Now, if you start to panic, just try to imagine Napoleon in his underwear." "If you can reach that state of mind, nothing will intimidate you." "I will destroy him." "Governor." "My dear." "I will destroy him." "What is he doing?" "Poker is a mental game, Emilia." "My brother is preparing to wage a war of the mind." "May I offer my services as dealer at the gaming table?" "Fabulous." "The Daring Dragoon." "Thanks, Brogie." "I would have come in through the window, but since you were expecting me, I figured, what the hell?" "Alors!" "Let the games begin." "One round." "Winner takes all." "Discard, gentlemen?" "Let me ask you something, Dragoon." "You wear that mask so comfortably." "That tells me you are accustomed to keeping secrets." "And do you know what kind of man keeps secrets?" "Well, do you?" "A spy!" "Are you a spy, sir?" "Well, are you?" "EMILIA:" "Mr. Dragoon, would you care to discard?" "You are a spy, aren't you?" "I suspect when we unmask your dead body that we shall recognize your face as one that's been underneath our noses all along." "Mr. Dragoon, please." "Take notice, Brogard." "My brother is a master of the psychological warfare." "Admit it!" "Admit that I'm the best!" "Admit that you're a liar!" "Admit I got a cute ass and you like it!" "Admit it!" "Admit it!" "Admit it!" "Admit it!" "(DISTORTED) Admit it!" "EMILIA:" "If you start to panic, try to imagine Napoleon in his underwear." "If you can reach that state of mind, nothing will intimidate you." "(CHUCKLING)" "(INAUDIBLE)" "You come here to gab or play cards?" "Now, sit down, Nappy, before I spank you." "(GROWLING)" "All right, now, let me get this straight." "If I win, I get to live?" "Doesn't sound very exciting." "We're talking about your life." "There's no greater stake." "Big deal." "I'm gonna die someday anyway." "And if I do it now, I die the greatest." "You know what?" "Screw this." "I fold." "No!" "Wait." "Very well, I'll raise you." "I offer you my wedding ring, given to me by Jo..." "Given to me by Josephine." "It's priceless." "All right, I'm in." "Dealer, hit me with three." "Three." "Why are you not looking at your hand?" "I can look at my cards, sure." "But then you might try and read my face to see if I'm bluffing." "This way we're both in for a surprise." "I order you to look at your hand!" "Big talk for a small man." "What else is it worth to you?" "I mean, I got my ring and I got my life." "But what good are they without a place to call home?" "Mr. Dragoon, not that I care in the slightest whether you live or die, but this hardly seems like the appropriate time to push your luck." "No risk, no reward, sister." "You know, I've been thinking of opening up a string of alligator wrestling farms lately, so I'll tell you what." "You pony up the deed to Louisiana, you got yourself a bet." "Very well." "Deed!" "(GRUNTING)" "Oh, my God, look!" "The Ghost of Christmas Past!" "What?" "Ghost of Christmas Past?" "I don't see anything." "Wait a minute." "My mistake." "It must have been a shadow." "I'll call you." "Let me see your hand." "Jack." "Two jacks." "Would you believe three?" "How do you like that?" "Four jacks." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Four kings beats four jacks." "Off with his head!" "Not so fast." "I still have one card left." "There's only four jacks in a deck." "You can't possibly win." "That's where you're wrong, Bonaparte." "You never know when you'll find a... jack in disguise." "Joker's wild." "The Dragoon wins with five of a kind." "I shall kill you!" "Temper, temper." "(GRUNTING)" "(JACK LAUGHING)" "Pleasure doing business with you, Emperor." "Oh, Croquey, this is for the broken window." "What broken window?" "(LAUGHING)" "Oh, my brother!" "BROGARD:" "Mon Empereur!" "(PEOPLE LAUGHING)" "All right now, Jimmy, I want you to take this deed and give it to the President, and tell him we're not in the real estate business, okay?" "Okay." "Keep an eye on him, Billy." "Come on, Mr. Madison." "Do you think he'll be all right, Jack?" "Are you kidding me?" "He's an American." "There's nothing we can't handle." "Well, I'm glad to see the overconfidence has returned." "As obnoxious as it makes you, you're quite useless without it." "Thank you for noticing." "And thanks for helping me get it back." "A little token of my appreciation." "Napoleon's wedding ring." "I'll treasure it always." "Wouldn't be fair not to share my good luck." "Oh, luck, is it?" "Go figure." "Lady luck is an English blonde." "You know, Em, all in all, I'd say we make a pretty good pair." "And if we invited guests over for tea, we'd have a full house." "Punny, aren't I?" "Yeah." "You even walk with a shuffle." "Hey, you know what happens when Napoleon goes to the little boys' room?" "What?" "He finishes with a royal flush." "Ho, ho, ho." "You better laugh, or I'll club you."