"So tomorrow's the big day, huh?" "Yup." "Tomorrow morning Cory Matthews turns 16 and mobile." "And I have worked out all the details for our big birthday road trip." "You can get your father's car tomorrow night, right?" "Well, naturally." "I'm 16, it's my right." "He's probably filling up the tank for me right now." "This is a life landmark." "This is the first Cory drives road trip." "The point is, we are merely guests of the car, the wind, and destiny." "No, no." "The point is, a license says we are adults with cars who can see R-rated movies." "I'm not going with you guys to some R-rated movie." "Uh, Van Damme takes his shirt off." "(EXCLAIMS)" "And that is only the beginning." "The best part is, we are seeing it in Atlantic City." "Why would we go to Atlantic City when we can see it right here?" "Because we can." "Because we can go anywhere." "Because tomorrow I got wheels." "I am free and independent." "Tomorrow I am a man!" "Who gets a clown burger?" "I collect the little hats." "Alan, why aren't you at the store?" "Oh, I had Eric open the store." "I got big plans today." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "It's Cory day." "I'm gonna take him down to the DMV, watch him take his driver's test, and off to Woody's Roadhouse for a lethal dose of home fries, steak, and eggs." "Just like you did with Eric." "Mmm-hmm." "My dad did it with me." "A Matthews men's license day tradition." "I washed the car so it'll look good in the picture I'm gonna take after he passes his test." "Does, uh, Cory know about these plans, honey?" "Mmm-mmm." "Matthews men tradition." "You don't have to tell 'em." "It's in the genes." "(CAR HORN HONKING)" "Cory's driving a car." "Without a license?" "Hey." "I passed my driver's test." "I got my license." "Well, my temp license anyway." "See?" "Honey, that's great." "Alan, isn't that great?" "(STAMMERING) Yeah, that's great, Cor." "Uh, happy birthday." "Yeah, that's really great." "Uh, Mom, is it just me, or were they happier for me down at the DMV?" "(SIGHS) Oh, actually, Cory, your dad's a little let down." "He kind of thought you might want to do this with him." "He did?" "Yeah." "Yeah, but he never said anything." "We didn't have anything planned." "Boy, I went with my dad." "Dad." "Hey, uh, listen, sorry about this whole thing." "Uh, I didn't know it was such a big deal to you." "'Cause, you know, Topanga got her license and Shawn got his, and they wanted to be with me when I got mine." "I didn't want to disappoint 'em." "Yeah, I got it." "Okay." "So, uh, we're cool?" "Yeah, we're cool." "Cool enough for you to give me the keys?" "Why not?" "Got a couple of errands to run." "I wouldn't mind being chauffeured around for a change, huh?" "So, road trip." "You got the keys yet?" "Oh, uh, you meant with your friends." "Okay." "Well, no, no." "You could come, too." "What?" "Kind of road trip would it be without good old Mr. Matthews?" "Was what I was gonna say." "And now I'm done." "Hey, I'll tell you what." "I do have a couple of errands to run." "It'll take me a couple hours, but then when I come back, the car's all yours." "All right, buddy?" "Yeah." "If you're all right, I'm all right." "Hey, I've waited 16 years, right?" "I can wait a couple hours." "I'm Cory." "I'm 16, and I'm going to Atlantic City to see an R-rated movie." "(LAUGHING)" "Uh, here, Morgan, let me help you make the matinee." "Daddy!" "Wow." "Look at her go." "Hi." "Hi." "Um..." "Look, I know I told you a couple of hours, but, um, you know, one thing led to another, and..." "You know how it is." "Actually, no." "Having never actually had the car," "I don't know how it is." "How is it?" "Well, look." "Here are the keys." "The car is yours." "Go do what you want to do." "See, actually, Dad, what I wanted to do was go on a road trip with Shawn and Topanga, who waited here for five hours, and then they realized they had lives and went home." "Fine." "Go pick 'em up." "Take 'em for a drive." "Fine, I will." "Just make sure you're back in time for your birthday dinner." "Well, wait a minute." "You never..." "No, there was nothing ever mentioned about a birthday dinner." "Cory, why would anyone have to mention it?" "We've had dinner on your birthday every year since you've been alive." "But I've never been alive with a license, Dad, so this year, road trip." "So we'll see you at Chubbie's in 45 minutes." "Forty-five..." "Dad, that's barely even worth it." "Fine." "Give me the keys." "Fine." "Take 'em." "Aw, what's the matter, birthday brother?" "Something got you terribly, terribly sad?" "Eric, when you were 16..." "Yeah, I had the same great hair." "Listen, did Dad still treat you like you were six?" "No." "He weirded out a little bit on me because, you know," "I got my license and made him feel old, and he went out and bought a cemetery plot and everything, but I bet you it's not nearly as bad as he's treating you." "'Cause he likes you better." "Yup, he does, he does." "Well, that, and he still had you around." "Well, he's got Morgan." "Girl." "What?" "You're his last son, son." "Now you're old enough to drive away and leave him alone with Morgan, who goes to..." "Art class." "And..." "Ballet." "Yeah." "See, the only reason you're not cruising down that turnpike right now with your arm around Topanga and Shawn in the back going, "Whoo, whoo, whoo,"" "is because Morgan's his first daughter and not his third son, son." "What?" "Down, set, hike." "Buttonhook." "Ow!" "Why'd you do that?" "Because I called a buttonhook, you woman." "I didn't say stop and go." "I didn't say down and out." "I didn't say post." "I said buttonhook." "Now was the ball not there waiting for you?" "If you don't stop yelling," "I'm going upstairs to play with Barbie and Skipper." "No, no." "Don't do that." "Here, put these on." "I don't want to wear boxing mittens." "I don't know how they work." "Morgan, they're not boxing mittens, okay?" "They're boxing gloves, and they don't work." "You just hit me." "Ah!" "Now we're getting somewhere." "Fine." "I'm glad you're happy." "I have to change into my party dress for your party." "No dress." "Wear pants." "Keep the helmet on, and call a doctor." "I don't want you to think that I'm not having a dandy time here at Chubbie's, where we always went 'cause we could walk here, but could we just do the cake thing and then hit the open road?" "Will you stop telling Cory to ditch his own birthday party?" "And you, put a smile on your face and behave yourself." "Guys, we rented the room." "You don't have to whisper." "Sorry, Dad." "Um, listen, thank you, thank you guys for the party." "It's really nice, but, uh, there's this movie we're trying to make." "What movie?" "101 Dalmatians." "Would you finally grow up?" "We're going to see the new Van Damme movie." "Aha, well, wouldn't that be an R-rated movie?" "Dad, come on, I'm 16." "I'm not a little kid anymore." "Here's your clown burger." "I told them it was your birthday, so they threw in an extra hat." "Whoo-hoo!" "I mean, whoo-hoo." "Cory, I understand you're 16, and yet you have to be 17 to get in without an adult." "Fine, no movie." "Thank you." "No biggie, no biggie." "There's got to be tons of other stuff we can do in Atlantic City." "Let's hit those tables, huh?" "You really don't want to do anything at all, do you?" "You want to sneak into an R-rated film in another state?" "I'm not just gonna give you my blessing." "Alan, it's his birthday." "Whoa, whoa, wait a minute." "Dad, I wasn't asking you for your blessing here." "I just wanted to go somewhere with my friends." "Cory, this is your father." "You think because you got a license, you can do whatever you want." "No." "I just want to go somewhere with my friends." "I don't care where I go." "I just want to go." "I'll tell you what." "You want to take a road trip?" "You want to go off with your friends?" "That's the first adult decision you're gonna make?" "Yeah." "Fine." "There you go, pal." "Come on, let's go." "Yes." "I don't know." "I mean, part of me knows" "I shouldn't get in that car with them, but then there's the other side of me, which isn't sensible or mature at all, wants to get in that car with them and go, "a-oo-ga."" "Thank you for your attention at this very difficult time." "You are gonna go after them, aren't you?" "No, Amy, I'm not." "* Happy, happy, happy birthday" "* Happy, happy, happy birthda-hay" "* It's his day, his day of birth" "* Yeah, that's right, his first day on earth" "* Happy bir-ir-ir-irthday, yeah *" "I missed something, didn't I?" "So, here we are, on our own, driving down the open road." "Just me, my Topanga, and my Shawn, and a big full moon right behind us." "Cory, those are headlights." "(HORN HONKS)" "Come around me." "Come around me, please." "Cory, can you drive a little faster?" "'Cause there's like 20 cars jammed up behind us." "Shawn, I happen to be cruising at..." "What's it say?" "I can't look down or we'll crash." "18 miles an hour." "I'm up to 18." "I hope this thing has air bags." "(BELL RINGS)" "Cory, a bicycle just passed you." "Come around me." "Come around me, please." "No." "See, it's already..." "It's already..." "Nah." "Fine, fine." "I'll go faster." "How much farther to Atlantic City?" "What's the difference?" "We're all gonna die here." "Speaking of that, I think we should call your folks and let them know we're okay." "Forget it." "I'm not calling my dad, okay?" "Kids have to call." "That's just what my dad expects his little kid to do." "Cory, I don't get it." "You and your father have always gotten along great." "Yeah, 'cause I've always been safe and dependable Cory." "Well, tonight a new Cory is born." "Dark, wild Cory, built for speed." "Twenty-four, 25, 26." "Look at me." "I'm breaking the law." "(SIREN WAILING)" "Well, we all saw that coming." "Uh, listen, with all due respect, Officer Dibble, um, I was on a country road going 26 miles an hour." "In a 25-mile zone, son." "Forget it, Cory." "It's a stinking speed trap." "Call your dad." "No way I'm calling my dad." "Then I guess you'll see the judge." "(LAUGHS) The judge?" "One mile over, you call in the judge?" "Don't you people have anything better to do in this town?" "It's not a town." "It's a speed trap." "Now you can avoid a trial altogether by just paying the fine." "Fine, I'll pay the fine." "How much?" "$200." "For one mile over the speed limit?" "It's a speed trap." "Is this not getting through to you?" "Call your dad." "No way I am calling my dad." "Is this not getting through to you?" "All rise!" "The court of Judge Hubert Lamb is now in session." "Judge Lamb?" "(LAUGHS) I think I'll take my chances with Judge Lamb." "Bring him up here." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "ALAN:" "Cor!" "Cory." "Hey, Cory." "What?" "Hey, Cory." "Hey, what day is today?" "What day is today?" "Huh?" "What day is today?" "My birthday." "(LAUGHS) That's right." "Can you take a picture of them?" "Sure, pal." "This is Iron Sheik, and he's the bad guy." "Uh-huh." "This is Iron Sheik." "He's a good guy." "This is Hulk Hogan." "He's a good guy." "And this is Big John Stud, and he's a good guy." "Yeah?" "Take it?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I got it." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "ALAN:" "Yeah, Cory!" "Whoops!" "Hey, come here!" "Over here!" "Come here, come here!" "You won the game, Son!" "Good job!" "(SIGHS) I'm sure he's okay." "Oh, I know." "He's just trying to prove something to us, to me." "You know, I just feel bad." "Well, hey, you guys had plans." "He broke 'em." "Yeah, but we didn't really have plans." "I just assumed that he'd run in and wake me up and drag me down to the DMV, you know, like he always used to do, you know, like he used to always run in the room" "and wake me up and drag me places." "(CHUCKLES) When he was..." "(SIGHS) Younger." "Yeah." "He was five-years-old." "He dragged you out of bed to show you his lost tooth." "Well, I miss that." "Alan, he's growing up." "He's not doing anything wrong." "Well, I'm growing up, too." "And you're not doing anything wrong either." "Hey, Mom, you gonna help me do my hair, or what?" "Hey, Morgan, how about I help you do your hair?" "Are you kidding me?" "Yes, I am kidding you." "Okay, uh, I've got one thing to tell you that's gonna make you feel real good, and then I've got another thing to tell you that's gonna scare the hell out of you." "Which would you like first?" "Feel good." "Ultimately, the reason that I never had a son is because of the sheer weight of responsibility for another human life is so enormous, so daunting, that I genuinely didn't know if I was up to it." "Oh, come on." "You're a teacher." "Your whole life's about kids." "No, no, no." "My job is about kids." "My life is my own, unlike yours, which hasn't been your own since the day Eric was born." "(SCOFFS) What are you saying?" "I'm a hostage?" "Yes." "That's exactly what I'm saying." "You are a hostage to extreme emotional joys and disappointments, which your children will bring you for as long as you live." "One day you're putting on training wheels." "The next day you're teaching them how to drive." "Of course, the first thing they want to do is drive away from you." "Mmm-hmm." "You're right." "It scares the hell out of me." "So, now tell me the part that makes me feel good." "Mmm..." "What?" "That was the good part." "Where?" "You know, the emotional joys, you had children and I didn't, and how lucky you are, and emotional joys, and, uh, joys." "How bad is it, George?" "Well, I just had a phone call from Cory." "Is he all right?" "No, he's fine." "It's nothing like that." "Good, good." "He's on trial." "I clocked the vehicle, Your Honor, traveling in excess of the posted speed limit." "One mile over." "The law is the law, boy, and we obey the law in my courtroom, and if you speak out of turn again, I'll hang you." "You would hang me on my birthday?" "It's your birthday under oath?" "Under oath, Your Honor." "You want a dog or a hat?" "What?" "Hey, how about a sword?" "Here, have a sword." "Wow, cool." "Look what I got." "Yeah, yeah, that's cool." "Sidebar, Your Honor?" "Cory, the first thing I learned on the street is that any judge who spontaneously makes you balloon toys will, at the end of the day, actually hang you." "It's my sword, and I'm not sharing it." "So, what brings a freshly licensed 16-year-old kid from Philly all the way out here?" "Well, I wanted to drive." "They said I could drive, so I just drove, but my dad refuses to accept that I'm not his little kid anymore." "You know, he wants to keep me at home, watch games, play football, so I just got my friends, I got the keys, and drove." "I feel I did right." "Your Honor, sir, hi, Topanga Lawrence." "Um, I just wanted to say that I can pay Cory's fine if you'll just tell me where the nearest ATM is located." "(LAUGHS)" "There's no ATM." "You're in the middle of nowhere." "Oh." "Okay, well, in that case, all I can say is that, um," "Cory is a very nice boy who never hurt anybody, and if you do anything to him on his first day of driving, then I just think you are a mean, mean..." "Dog or hat?" "Could it be a princess hat?" "You got it." "There you go." "Thanks." "Um, tell you what I'm gonna do, son." "Gonna drop all the charges right now if you'll take this quarter and go to that phone there and call your dad" "and tell him you were wrong." "No." "Cory." "I'm sorry." "I don't believe I'm wrong." "Well, I don't believe I'm wrong either, Cory." "You didn't have to come here, Dad." "George Feeny told me you called." "You should have called me." "Why?" "So you could come to the rescue again?" "Prove once again what a little helpless kid I am?" "Cory, you are my son." "You'll always be my son, whether you're six or you're 60, and your problem is my problem." "Now, I'm always gonna be there for you." "Now, that is never gonna change." "I just want you to treat me as someone who can handle his own problems, Dad." "I want you to treat me like an adult." "All right, I've heard enough." "This court is ready to pronounce sentence." "Cory Matthews and Cory Matthews' father, approach the bench." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "I hereby sentence you to, uh, two years." "What?" "Today is your 16th birthday, son." "That means you have two years more of being a kid." "Now I know that seems like hard labor when you have a license in your hand, but from what I can surmise of your home life, you're luckier, Cory, than most who appear before me." "And you, dad," "I sentence you to take those two years and cherish them, because they go by too fast." "Yes, they do, don't they?" "Mmm." "It's a speed trap." "ALAN:" "You set?" "Go." "No, no, no." "Whoa, whoa!" "(LAUGHING) Go forward." "Forward." "Push it forward." "That's it." "Okay." "Go on." "Hey, there you go." "Oh, you should get your license." "(LAUGHING) Happy birthday, Son." "Thanks, Dad." "So, uh, when do you think there's gonna be tension between us again?" "Well, we just got through the driver's license thing, so probably the next time we fight, it'll be over your choice of college." "Dad, I'm not going to college." "Well, then it'll be over the job you want to get." "Circus clown." "Well, I guess we'll have to fight over the woman you're gonna marry." "Dad, Topanga and I have already run off to Vegas." "Amy!" "AMY:" "No more kids!" "Well, I guess I'm stuck." "I guess you are." "What are you gonna do about it, punk?" "You wanna..." "You wanna make something of it?" "Come on, come on, come on." "Come on, yeah!"