"Oh, Niles, this is an excellent issue of "Vanity Fair."" "Oh, really?" "What's in it?" " Obsession ------ oh, Safari ..." "Mel Gibson ..." "He has a cologne?" " No." "So now which one's Mr. Sheffield and which one's Miss Fine?" "She named her hamster after me." " Oh ..." "How can you tell them apart?" " Fran's the fat one." "She's not fat." "She just has big hair." "Oh, no, Mr. Sheffield is fighting with Miss Fine." "He's not fighting with her." "He's having -- / Mr. Sheffield, get off of Miss Fine." "Miss Fine has a headache." "Oh, look, Mr. Sheffield has already fallen asleep." "Okay, kids, go bring Miss Fine upstairs and give her a chew stick." "She's not satisfied." "Miss Fine, this month's "Soap Opera Hair Magazine" has arrived." "The bigger is better issue?" " Uh-huh." "With a free sample." "Oh, this is like Hanukkah in July." "Fran, I can't believe you're doing that?" "Why, honey?" "Did you think that I got this fullness naturally?" "Oh, no." "This is just an outer shell." "Inside I've got gel, mousse, volumizer." "There's a whole infrastructure going on in there." "The only difference between me and the kingdom is astroturf." "Fran, don't you care about ecology?" "There are chemicals in here that are unsafe." "Some of that stuff is toxic." "Honey, you want to clean up toxic waste, start with Brighten's bathroom." "Fran, I'm serious." "Give me that." " Oh, no, no, I didn't do the tendrils yet." "Oh, boy, I'm getting a weird flashback here only you're me and I'm my mother." " What are you talking about?" "I was young too once, out to save the world." "So you were like an activist in the "60s?" " '70s, late." "Nuclear power, animal rights, cyclamates. / Cyclamates?" "Oh, yeah, it was a big controversy." "Lemon Tang was never the same." "Mr. Sheffield, if you were my cousin Marsha and you saw me in this dress, what would you do?" "I'd, ah, tell you you looked fabulous and then trash you the moment you left the room." "And?" "And, um, eat an entire Sara Lee pound cake?" " There you go." "For a minute there I thought I was going to have to change." "Isn't it a little sedate for you, Nanny Fine?" "You don't look like you're trying to get a sailor to buy you a champagen cocktail." "Where you headed?" "A funeral?" "As a matter of fact, I am." "My great Aunt Mema Fager." "She was 104." "Oh ... well, how'd she die?" " Childbirth." "Fran, tell dad he's being totally unfair." "Mr. Sheffield, you're being totally unfair." "What is it I'm trying to get him to do again?" "Mark and I want to go to an all-night, save-the-earth poetry reading." "Oh, right, what's the big deal?" "Maggie and Mark want to go to an all-night save-the-earth -- all night?" "Oh, honey, kiss it off. / Fran, they're having a candlelight vigil for animal rights." "Oh, that reminds me, I gotta pick up the pastrami platter." "You know if it sits too long, it gets that rainbow batina thing happening." "I can't believe you." "Is this what happens when you turn when 21?" "21 ..." "Don't mock the child, Niles." "Look, Maggie, why don't you and your friends take it in turns to save the planet?" "Hum?" "You could take the day shift and then someone whose parents are out of town could take the night." "Oh, fine." "I'll go stand in the hole in the ozone layer." "Be sure to wear sun block." "Well, Miss Fine, it's refreshing to have you on my side for a change." "Oh, that." "I read somewhere that the primary-care giver should always agree with the guy that writes the checks." "Uh-huh." "Thank you for your support." "But for your information, I am too young to be on the pig side of a generation gap." "Huff and puff as much as you like, Miss Fine." "This little piggy is not letting her go." "That doesn't mean I'm not thrilled Margaret has a social conscience." "I just wish there were more people like her." "Oh, aren't the elephant tusks exquisite." "They came from that cute little poacher in Kenya." "And here I thought you'd had your wisdom teeth pulled." "So when you're watching "Gorillas in the Mist," you're thinking in a fajita, I bet they're not so bad." "It was a gorgeous funeral." "Ah, Mema Fager didn't look so hot." "May she rest in piece." "She could never pull it together from a special occasion." "You know, when my time comes, I don't want no open casket." "I don't trust no one to put on my makeup but me." "How's the corned beef?" " Fatty, Daddy." "No good." "What do you do when you like something?" "Eat the Corning Ware?" "So when are you due?" " Grandma, I'm not pregnant." "So stop eating." "Morty, turn the set down." "We're mourning in here." "Meanwhile, explain to me green carnations on a casket." "St. Patty didn't drop dead." "Why didn't their side spend a little on flowers like we did." "Syl, their side never did as well as us." "What well?" "My daughter's a maid." "Nanny, Ma." "Meanwhile, I wonder who got the coat. / What coat?" "Mema's mink." "She slept with it more than she slept with Oscar." "Mema's husband's name was Louie." "Yeah." "So where are you not following me?" "Oh, well, I guess it wasn't the mortician that put that smile on her face." "Maybe we should see what's in the envelope uncle Dave gave us." "I think it's a copy of the will." "You know, I always offered to drive her to her checkups, even after the bladder went." "Save it, Marsha." "It's already written." "She's not coming back with an erasure." "Aunt Frita got Mema's diamond wedding ring. / Ahhhhhh ..." "I wanted that." "Cousin Judy got the blender." " Ahhhhhh ..." "I could have used that." "Uncle Morey got the pasta machine." " Ahhhhhh ...." "That they could have." "Who cares about their side." "Let's get to our side." "Their side, our side." "Who's keeping score?" "Meanwhile, it's three zip." " Oh, please, Ma, calm down." "You're svitzing already." "Soon you're going to slide off the couch." "This is such a trying time for me." "Life won't be the same without my beloved Mema. / Shut up, Marsha." ""And the coat goes to Fran Fine." Come on down." "I won the coat?" "I won." "I won." "May she rest in peace." "She gave Fran the coat?" "Who schlepped her to the beauty parlor every week to get her three hairs set?" "Who smeared her with BenGay after shuffle board, and after she got the hammer toe fixed, who lugged her around?" "My husband, that's who." "Well, you can keep the coat because I don't want it." "What are you nuts?" "Why?" "Ma, I only wear fake fur." "And do you know why?" "Yes." "Because no one ever died and left you a real one before." "No." "I have a very impressionable teenager at home that needs to know that I stick by my beliefs, and I believe in animal rights." "Fran, a mink is not an animal." "It's a rodent." "If it was up in the attic, you would be the first one to call Terminex." "Ma, knock it off." "I'm not putting a dead animal anywhere near me." "Pass the tongue." "Fran, you're keeping the coat." " No, I'm not." "And do we have to discuss this in front of everyone?" "No, we'll discuss it in there." " Fine." "Excuse us." "They don't want to talk in front of us." "How could you turn your back on everything that I raised you to believe in?" "This is mink." "Ma, if you love the mink so much, why don't you keep it?" "I'm too busty." "Didn't stop you from wearing a tube top to Temple." "It's reform." "Ma, forget it." "I'm not taking the coat." "You know, you're killing me with this." "If I die tonight, you'll never forgive yourself." "Ma, I'm a grown woman." "You can't use guilt on me anymore to get what you want." "Oh!" " What's the matter, Ma?" "Nothing." "I just hope I'm not getting that weird flesh-eating disease." "We couldn't hear." "Niles ... / Huh?" "Did my mother call?" " Well, I'm not sure." "There was one call -- a sob, a sigh, and a long plaintive oy ..." "Well, either that's her or AT  T is really depressed that we switched to Sprint." "I can't believe she would stoop to crank guilt calls." "How low can she go?" " Hey, you're talking about a woman that could grow a tumor on command." "Ha, ha, ha." "Excuse me." " Well, it's not going to work." "I'm a grown woman." "I'm entitled to my own opinions, and no silent treatment is going to make me compromise my ideals." "That coat is staying in Queens." " Thank you." "Oh, can you believe her." "Didn't she hear a word I said?" "I don't want this disgusting soft, lush, plush -- oh, Niles, did you see the satin lining?" "Boy, they don't make them like that anymore." " Well, it does become you, Miss Fine." "Oh, no, Niles, it's absolutely repulsive." "I can't stand it." "Up or down." "Oh, take it off me." "Take it off." "Oh, look, at the initials, M.F., Mema Fager " "Miss Fine, like it was meant to be." "Well, you could always send it to Morgan Freeman." "Oh, Mema." "It smells just like her, Chalimar and stuffed cabbage?" "I remember when I was a little girl in the winter." "She would bundle me up in her coat with her, her bosoms right on top of my head." "My ears never got cold." "I looked like Princess Laya until Mema got older." "Then I looked like Goofy." "Funny, as a lad, I don't ever recall wearing bosoms as a hat." "Although, once at a butlers' convention -- / Don't take me there, Niles." "Oh, my God." "Fran, what is that dead animal?" " Where?" "Where?" "On your back. / Oh, this." "Oh, I inherited this, but I refused to accept it." "Then why are you wearing it?" "Ah, I'm just indulging Niles." "He wanted to see me in it." "All right, already, are you happy?" "Can I take it off?" "Geez." "Niles, I'm surprised at you." " Oh, forgive me, Miss Margaret." "I'm such a beast" "Good morning, everyone ..." "But Dad." "Niles, thank you so much for buying glass bottles instead of plastic ones at the market." "My pleasure, Miss Margaret." "I've always wanted to know what a hernia felt like." "Aren't you joining us, Maggie?" " Oh, no." "While you leisurely sit here and eat, hundreds of acres of rain forest are being destroyed." "So you're taking your croissant back to the biosphere." "Sit down, Margaret." "Hello, hello." " Oh, Cee Cee, care to join us?" "Well, is there enough?" " No. / Niles ..." "Well, it's just that you know how I feel about her eating inside." "What was that?" " I asked what she would like on the side." "Bacon, sausage, Mighty Dog?" "Whoa!" "Oh, it's so nice sitting here with all of you." "I feel like part of the family." "Good morning, Stacy." "Gracie." " Thank you ..." "Brighten." "So, kids, what's new?" " Miss Fine's having a baby." "What?" " Who's the father?" "Why, Mr. Sheffield of course." "Miss Fine, what on earth is all this about you being pregnant?" "Pregnant?" "Me?" "Oh, that's impossible." "Well, it's not impossible." "Oh, yeah, it's impossible." "Miss Fine and Mr. Sheffield are hamsters." " Oh, I knew I left something out." "Oh, please, no animals in the dining room." "I will be in the office. / Oh, very good, sir." "Usually, I have to tug at her leash." "Niles, has my mother called yet?" " No, I'm afraid not." "Oh, Miss Fine, why don't you just take the blasted coat and have done with it. / No ..." "Why can't Fran have an opinion different than her mother's." "Children should have the right to make their own decisions and live their own lives." "You can have any opinion you like, Maggie, just don't have it in the park after dark with Mark." "Oh, there's your poetry." "Now you don't have to go." " Oh ..." "Oh, come on, Miss Fine, how'd you make up with your mother in the past?" "Well, when I was a little girl," "I would put a napkin on my head and sing "Sunrise, Sunset."" "At eight it's adorable." "At 30, they're giving you 3,000 units of Thorazine." "Well, if there's anything I can do." "Well, now that you mention it, couldn't you talk to her, please." "I man you're so handsome, diplomatic." "What does that have to do with anything?" " Well, my mother responds to good looks." "She always said you reminded her of Dave from Alvin and the Chipmunks." "The cartoon?" " Yeah." "She had a thing for George Jetson too, but he's a little more goyish." "Oh, Niles, isn't Mr. Sheffield a doll for going to all the trouble of inviting my mother here for dinner?" "Yes." "He's really knocked himself out." "Did you stock the bar?" " Yes, Miss Fine, we have Chevitz, Pins, Schnider" " what does Sylvia like to drink?" " Diet Slice." "Oh, will Fresca do?" " No, it doesn't have to the zest of lime in it." "Fine, now I'm going to have to go out ..." "Hi. / Oh, Miss Fine." "Oh, this should be an interesting dinner, sir." "Miss Fine and her mother not speaking, Miss Margaret not speaking to you." "That will leave the bulk of the conversation to you and Sylvia. / Oh, good God." "Well, perhaps you can swap stories." "You can tell her how you started in the theater, and she can tell you how she removes unwanted hair." "For heaven sakes, we've got to get someone else for dinner." "Well, it is Saturday night, sir, and most people do have a life." "Well, I'm off." " Ha, ha, ha, ha." "Cee Cee, by any chance are you free tonight?" "No." "I have to pick up my grandfather from the airport." "Old thing's in wheelchair with a respirator -- why?" "Well, I was just wondering if you'd care to join me for dinner?" " Done." "Love too." "What about, what about your grandfather?" " Oh, he'll get a sky cap." "He's loaded." "He'll put a 20 in his mouth and wave it." "No, no." "I just can't do this." " Oh, no, no, no, Maxwell." "It's not a problem." "The old guy's in a wheelchair." "It's downhill from La Guardia." "No, you see, it won't be just us." "I'm afraid Miss Fine and her mother will be there." "Oh, I hate that woman." "Which one?" " Pick." "Really?" "Sylvia's always saying what a beautiful, charming, sophisticated woman of the world you are." "Really?" "Those were her exact words?" "Oh, that reminds me." "I have to get the name of your manicurist." "Sylvia's always going on about how beautifully young your hands look." "I've always adored Syl." "But if you have a more pressing engagement, then of course -- / Forget about gramps." "I'll call the airline." "They'll stick him where they put the skis." "Niles, another place sitting on the table and make it right next to my pal Syl." "Get the name of your manicurist indeed." "I learned from the master." " Yeah, well ..." "Aren't my hamsters cute?" "We named the babies Maggie, Brighten, and Grace." "There was a Cee Cee, but Miss Fine ate her." "Isn't that adorable." "The kid collects vermin." "Syl ..." "Is that you?" "Yeah." "I was invited." "Shame on you girl friend." "Why haven't we done lunch?" "Because when you saw me eat a chicken, you had to take an Advil." "Oh, hi, Ma." "What a nice surprise." "Gee, I didn't know Mr. Sheffield invited you for dinner." "You want a diet Slice?" " No, thanks." "It gases me up." "Come on, sisealla." "Oh, this ring is stunning." " My aunt gave it to me." "Oh, it's a family heirloom." "How nice of you to not throw it back in your aunt's face." "Ma, would you cut me some slack?" " Why won't you wear a stinking coat." "You watch your tone of voice, young lady." " Oh, I'm sorry." "I couldn't help it." "Not you, Ma." "He's talking to Maggie." "Maggie does nothing." "She's a good daughter." "And what am I?" "Patty Davis?" "This is just like when you refused the mother-daughter kaftans that I bought us." "Six years old and a turban?" "That's it." "I wash my hands of you." "Oh, Mr. Sheffield. / Oh, oh, she's getting away." "Niles, the napkin. / No." "Oh, no." "Yes, Miss Fine, yes, yes." " Oh, no, no, no." ""Is this the little girl I carried?"" "Fran, that's not fair." " "Is this the little boy at play?"" "Bomb, boom, bomb." " "I don't remember growing older."" ""When did they?"" "Oh, Fran, I'm sorry." " I'm sorry too, Mom." "Oh, Syl ..." "Oh, please, it's over." "Miss Babcock TWA is on the phone." "It seems there's an unclaimed elderly gentleman on Carrousel 5. / Oh ..." "Oh, Ma, I don't want to fight anymore." "Me neither." "It's just such an honor that Mema chose you." "She came to this country with nothing." "She worked, she sacrificed." "This coat symbolizes the struggles of our family." "Ma, she won it on the "Price is Right."" "Fran, you should keep the coat." "After all, you're the one who always says family comes first." "Oh, all right." "I'll keep the coat." "Oh, I never thought I'd hear you say those words." "But just in case, I got it right here." "Oh, but I can't wear it." "All right, maybe just around my Cousin Marsha because it will kill her, and then at least the minks won't have died in vain." "And, Dad, as important as this poetry meeting is to me, if you really don't want me to go, then I'll respect your decision." "I really don't want you to go." " Why not?" "That is the most beautiful coat I have ever seen." "I'll give you $10,000 for it right now." "Oh, no, I'm sorry." "This coat -- / Looks better on a blond." "*****************/**" "*************************" "***************" "**************************" "***************" "*********************" "**************" "**********************" "*****************"