"I'm not sick, but I'm not well" "And I'm so hot" "Cos I'm in hell." "'What a dud evening!" "'Low-quality takeaway," "'Iow-quality detective drama, low-quality sexual intercourse.'" "So, Soph, do you fancy coming along to my school reunion on Saturday?" "School reunion?" "That doesn't sound very you." "Yeah, but I thought it might be nice to go and, you know, show them all that I've got a job and a flat and a fiancee now and I'm not in fact a gender bender, a mentaloid or a public leaning post, after all." "Right, OK, the thing is, er, the thing..." "I think I mentioned I'll be heading off late Saturday night." " What thing?" " Frankfurt, marketing development group, me and Alan and Lisa and Jeff." "Jeff?" "You're going to Frankfurt with your ex?" "Not with him, it's work, Mark." "Did I not mention it?" "No, no, no, you did not mention it." "Oh, well, I thought you knew." "Well, you do now, so..." "I know now, but I didn't before." " Well, you do now, so..." " Right." "'OK, definitely have a legitimate grievance here, I reckon." "'Let's milk it.'" "Mark, Jeff and I aren't going to fall into each other's arms in a pile of sauerkraut." " I am getting married to you, OK?" " Yes, sure." "'Maybe I should just go on my own." "Sally Slater might be there." "'Mm..." "Sally, 'one of the few girls in my year to notice me and yet still not mock." "'It'd be good to see her again and I'm sure Sophie won't mind." "'In fact, she's definitely not gonna mind cos I'm not gonna tell her.'" "'Oh, great night at the pub this is(!" ") Laura's caught in Super Hans' tractor beam," "'Kerry's being all lovely to Mike about his mum's thyroid thing." "'I've got no way out." "Stuck with a newbie" " Mr Fucking Shirt." "'Gotta say something.'" "So, how do you know everyone?" "I'm a friend of Bob's mate, Kev, and he said it was a friendly crowd and come down." "So, I thought, yeah." "Cool." "'Jesus!" "Come on, throw me a bone!" "'" "So, have you got any plans for the weekend?" " I'm doing a gig, actually." " Oh, right." "Playing with my old outfit as The Orgazoid." "You're The Orgazoid?" "!" "Oh, my God!" "You're the...!" "I thought you were just a man in a shirt, sitting on a chair." "Your first two CDs, I know every track." "Nnn-j nn-j-j Nn-j-jn" "Nnn-j-j Nn-j-nn-nnjl" "Borneo Function." "Right." "Nice." "Hans, this is... this..." "It's not just a man, this is The Orgazoid!" " Yeah, I know." " Well, why didn't you say?" "Can I get you a drink?" "I'm full of Diet Coke here, man." "I haven't had a proper drink for six years." "None of the party powder either." "Oh, right." "I mean, you've been as high as it's possible to go." "Well, yeah, yeah, I suppose I have." "And you've been as low as it's possible to get." "Yeah, yeah, I have." "And what's it like when you're up that high?" "Ha, it's incredible!" "And what's it like when you're down that low?" "Ah, it's terrible, it's horrible." "And what's it like when you're in the middle?" "It's, you know, it's fine." "Wow!" "So, listen, a weird question." "I'm not sure if you're looking for work or what, but I'm looking for a kind of, like, handyman." "My place is going to shit since I split up with my ex." "Well, that sounds amazing!" "'Orgazoid's handyman." "This is a dream come true!" "'Handyman to chauffeur to keyboard player, it's a very well established career path.'" "Oh, man, my job is the nuts!" "I had a great first day." "By your job, you mean being a handyman for a man called The Orgazoid." "He's not a man, he's a band." "He's one of the most brilliant techno pioneers of all time and he's paying me 500 quid a week in advance, in cash." "What?" "!" "Come on, Jeremy, nobody gets paid £500 a week to do nothing." "It's not nothing." "Making smoothies from a smoothie maker is not nothing." "You should try cleaning one of those mothers." "There's gotta be a catch." "You're gonna be his drugs mule." "He's gonna sell your organs or invite a German round from the internet to eat you." "I mean, where did you even meet him?" "The Snooker Club that used to be a public toilet?" "I'm concerned about this arrangement." "Why does everything good have to be some horrible arrangement?" "Me and Russell are just two guys having a nice time." "That's what life is supposed to be like, in case you've forgotten." "All right, whatever." "Look, I'm going out, so..." "Going out?" "!" "'What?" "He's not going out, he can't." "'He doesn't know how!" "'" " Where?" "Who with?" " Just to a nightclub." "A nightclub?" "Yes." "Well, as you're always saying," "The Beastie Boys fought and possibly died for my right to party, so..." "Mark, come on, what the hell's going on?" "All right, look I've been invited to the Polefield School Reunion at a school disco club and..." "But they all hated you at Polefield." "Well, the vast majority, but there were some crumbs of comfort - the chess players, the musicians, the poor and the posh-voiced." "We formed a sub-strata, a secret society" " below the radar of the norms." " The norms?" "The normallows, the Norman forces, our oppressors." "Right, well, this I have got to see." "I could invite Nancy." "Yeah, brilliant excuse to see her." "Haven't you got work in the morning?" "Oh, yeah, that's really gonna break his balls, if I roll in an hour late." "Mark, this is Russell Orgazoid, he's a creative, I'm a creative." "We don't make steam engines out of pig iron in this country any more, yeah?" "We hang out, we fuck around on the PlayStation, we have some Ben and Jerry's, that's how everyone makes their money now, yeah?" "Here they all are, my tormentors." "I hope Nancy gets here soon, this is gonna be perfect." "She won't know anyone except me." "That's Faizel Butt." "He used to call me a flod." "I think it was a mixture between a flid and spod." "That's Foz." "He used to sit behind me in French and put bacon on my shoulders." "That's Terry Carpenter, one of the more sophisticated bullies." "Pretended I was Thatcher and he was Heseltine and that I needed ousting." "I need a drink." "(Mark) 'Oh, my God!" "'There she is - lovely Sally Slater." "'I should speak to her, but what the hell can I say?" "'Anything that doesn't mention I masturbate over her memory is probably good." "'I think that's a compliment, but women just don't seem to want to hear it." "'No, just spend the evening looking longingly at her from a distance, 'like the good old days.'" "Mark!" "Is it Mark Corrigan?" "Yeah..." "I forget, are you..." "Sally?" "Good to see you." "I have a job and a flat of my own now, so it's great to see you." "God, you look great!" "Thanks." "So, listen, can I get you a drink?" "OK, great!" "'Maybe everything will be different now." "Maybe all the parameters have shifted." "'Most of my rivals from school have probably perished in Blair's oil wars.'" "(Jez) Hey, Nancy!" "Hey, Jez!" "Great idea." "This is so much fun." "Come here and meet these great guys." "'She made some friends pretty fucking quick!" "'" "So now I'm finally doing an English degree and I do a bit of cleaning to pay the bills." "I listen to the set text on my iPod when I'm hoovering." "Right, that's cool." "I hoover sometimes cos I bought my flat and that and from my job as an executive I had plenty of cash leftover to buy a hoover." " Are you boasting, Corrigan?" " No!" "I mean, maybe a bit." "Do you remember on that history field trip, where you borrowed my Hitchhiker's Guide and we both read it out in funny voices?" "I was thinking that was probably one of the best days of my life." "What, really?" "'Should I feel guilty?" "No, Sophie's probably doing it with Jeff 'to the brutal rhythm of the oompah band." "'Why shouldn't I have some mild flirtation, a snog even, or more?" "'" "Hello, sexy." "'Oh, great, bacon shoulders.'" "Mark, you remember Foz?" "All right, Corrigan." "Hi, Foz." "'Please don't hit me for any reason, Foz.'" " Foz and I are married now." " Oh, right." "Great." "'Obviously!" "Of course!" "Why didn't I just buy an anvil and smash my face onto it?" "'It'd certainly be less hassle.'" "So, have you got kids?" "Not yet, why?" "Oh, no reason." "I mean, I love kids." "Not in a bad way, in a nice way." "I mean, I'm not on the Child Protection Register... yet, which proves I'm not a paedo." "'This is going horribly!" "Need a joke.'" "Either that or I'm an incredibly hard-to-detect paedo." "'Just move on from the paedo area entirely!" "'" "Jez, this is Foz and Sally." "Jeremy." "All right, mate." "So, you're mates with Wankerthon?" " I'm sorry?" " Mark Wankerthon, you remember?" "At school?" "You got taught the wrong way to rub one out and you tried it for two hours." "(Jez) 'Shit, this is just like school." "'Have to side with the powerful to survive.'" "Two hours!" "I'm too sexy for my love..." "Oh, I fucking hate this track." "It's brilliant." "Come on, saucepot." "(Mark) 'Eugh, just like school." "I have to sit and watch 'while the beautiful people dance at me, except..." "'No, she wants me to call her!" "'It's worked!" "All my references to how much above 'the national average income I earn have actually worked!" "'" "'Oh, yeah, making smoothies at the Orgazoid's house!" "'This is the kind of job I deserve." "I've paid my dues, all those years 'signing on, every bloody week.'" "Ah, nice." "Thanks, man." "Yeah, take five, if you want." "Swim a few lengths." "Oh." "Cheers, Russell." "Yeah, maybe I will." "'Nothing dodgy about this, just going for a swim in my trunks." "'I can't swim in a three-piece suit." "So screw you, cynics!" "'" "Ah, now listen, before I forget," "I thought you might like this." "I did a few different versions of Borneo Function that never got released." "I thought you might get a kick out of them." "Oh, my God!" "'Wow!" "Super Hans is gonna shit a brick when I show him this." "'Finally, something to beat that car battery he nicked off The Prodigy.'" "OK, well, great chatting to you, Sally." " Hi, honey, I'm home." " And good luck with Midnight's Children." "Remember no-one's ever actually finished it." "Bye." "'Great call." "Friendly but flirty, didn't overstep the mark." "'I could show Sophie the transcript." "'Maybe I should start taping my phone calls." "'No, Mark, that's how they got Nixon!" "'" "What's that?" "Just a jumper Russell got for me." "He bought you a jumper?" "!" "What else has he bought you?" "Nothing!" "Jesus!" "A squash racket." "Jeremy, what's going on?" "Squash rackets are not a normal form of remuneration." "He doesn't have anyone to play with, and two people can't share one bloody racket." "Case closed, Columbo." "So, listen, I've organised a trip to the safari park on Saturday with Sally and Foz." "The safari park with that dickhead Foz?" "!" "Have you gone mental?" "It's an ironical day out." "Oh, I get it." "You're just another dirty dog like everyone else." "I am not a dirty dog, but I do need you to come as my... sheath." "Your sheath?" "As long as you're there, it's just four people having an apparently nice time at an outdated venue." "Fucking hell!" "What's going on?" "Are you trying to get your end away while Sophie's not here?" "Sophie has not called me once yet, so there is actually a perfectly valid excuse for what I'm almost certainly not going to try to do, OK?" "OK, if Sally was sitting here now and she said, "Mark, let's do it," what would you say?" "If she promised she wasn't a Glenn Close type and happened to have" " a recent clean Aids certificate?" " Yes." "That's a hypothetical question." "I don't answer hypothetical questions." "You're disgusting!" "But I like it!" "It's like going to a strip joint with the Pope!" "A fucking safari park?" "!" "It's cool." "It's retro." "Exactly." "(Mark) 'What exactly is my plan here?" "'Lured them all to the safari park like a Bond villain, but what's the aim?" "'Torture myself with contact with an unattainable woman, or what?" "'" "Yeah, I wasn't sure if I was gonna make it cos of my job, but my boss was actually really cool about it." "That's because it's not a real job." "Oh, yeah?" "What about this?" "Is that real enough for you?" "Don't flaunt your wad, Jeremy, it's not becoming." "Well, you're becoming a pain in the arse." "How do you like that?" "You wanker, Corrigan!" "Hey!" "See how much money you earned this week." "Give it back!" "Not a lot in here, Mark, apart from a couple of moths." " Give that back!" " Oops!" "Butter fingers!" "Jeremy, for God's sake!" "Foz, stop the car, stop the car, Foz, he's thrown my wallet out!" "Oh, my God, he never!" " Stop the car, Foz, it's Mark's wallet!" " All right!" "So, are you gonna go and get it?" "No, we need to call the warder." "Don't be a dick!" "Go and get it." "Wh-Wh-What if the lions eat me?" "The lions aren't gonna eat you, Mark." "Just nip and get it." " You should go and get it." " I'm not gonna get it." "Why should I have to bloody get it?" "Now, come on Mark, just get it." "Get it, get it... (Both) Get it, get it, get it, get it." "Get it!" "Get it!" "Get it!" "Get it!" "Fucking hell!" "(Jez) 'Wow!" "I'm getting big laughs off humiliating my best mate." "'How can something so wrong feel so right?" "'" "(Mark) 'Shit, this isn't good." "'There are lions." "There are lions everywhere!" "'Where are they?" "Is there one behind that tree?" "'Jeremy's literally thrown me to the bloody lions!" "'What's next, crucifixion?" "Is he gonna have me actually nailed on to a cross?" "'" "(Foz) Whey!" "Oh, you bloody bastards!" "Stop!" "Let me in, you bloody bastards!" "(Sally) It's not funny, Foz." "For fuck's sake, stop!" "All right, all right, all right." "Here he comes..." "Whey!" "'Christ!" "What do you do to avoid lion attack?" "'Soil yourself?" "'Or is that grizzly bears?" "'Hate to shit myself for no reason, and get eaten." "'The final humiliation.'" "'Still nothing from Sophie." "Probably busy boning Jeff in Frankfurt." "'Highly unlikely, but possible." "'I should at least try to feel jealous and betrayed, then I'll feel 'less of a shit about pursuing Sally.'" "Oh, hi, Jez." "Nancy." "You're here." "I thought you'd be down at the Orgazoid's." "Actually Russell had to go off to Norway this morning, so I'm just here." "Is that all right, Dad?" "Well, yeah." "Are you all right?" "Yes, I'm fine." "'What's bothering him?" "He's thinking about something." "'He never normally thinks about things.'" "So will you ask him now?" "Is it OK if Nancy uses the computer to redo her CV?" " My computer?" " Your computer, the computer, whatever." "PHONE RINGS" "'Sally!" "'" "Sure." "Hello." " "Hi, Mark, how are you doing?"" " Oh, good." "Good, thanks." ""I'm so sorry about yesterday."" "Oh, don't worry, that's fine." "It was funny... probably... if it hadn't been happening to me, it might have been funny." ""It was great seeing you." "It'd be great to meet up again."" "Oh, right." "Well, I'd love to." ""How about tomorrow?" "I could drop round to your flat about three?"" "Yeah, the flat." "That sounds lovely." "'I can't invite her round here." "'Anyone could be here." "Sophie will find out." "'Nothing's gonna happen, but nothing must remain a total secret.'" ""So, what's your address?"" "Er, m-my address..." "Hold on, let me just check." ""You need to check your address?"" "Well, I do like to be totally accurate." "Jez, what's Orgazoid's..." "Russell's address?" " Why?" " Just give it to me." " No, why?" " Because I'm a dirty dog, all right." "31 Bishop's Avenue." "Hey, 31, Bishop's Avenue." ""Ooh, posh!" ""So, see you tomorrow."" "Yep, see you there... here, then." ""Bye."" "So, Jez, do you think it would be all right if I... sort of borrowed Russell's house?" "No." "I don't particularly want to go to that place right now, if I'm honest." "Well, that's OK." "If you prefer, you can just give me the keys and I'II..." "No, you need me to do the alarms." "There's like six different alarms, but I'm just feeling a bit weird about the whole situation." "Yeah?" "Why?" "Well, as it turns out there were... there are certain additional duties which I was expected to perform." "Duties?" "What duties?" "Well, you know, I'm his handyman." "Yes?" "It's just he did expect me to... give him a... hand." "You gave him a hand?" "I helped him out." "You helped him out by..." "giving him a hand?" "Wow!" "Just to clarify, you do mean..." "Yes." "Shit!" "'I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.'" "And now I don't know what to do, cos on the one hand..." "On the one hand, it's a really good job, but on the other," "I don't really want to go back to that place or have anything to do with him." "God, that's a really tough decision." "'Stay!" "Stay so I can use the house.'" "I got Super Hans to fill in yesterday." "Said I was sick." "There's loads needs doing before he comes back, but I just feel a bit dirty, you know." "Mmm, yeah, I know what you mean." "I feel the same sometimes when I come back from JLB and I've had to do loads of spreadsheets." "I don't think it is the same, Mark." "I feel like my soul is being chipped away bit by bit." "Welcome to the world of work, Jeremy." "You know, you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps." "And you don't have to be a smackhead to wank off old geezers, but that probably helps too." "DOOR BUZZER" "Why didn't you tell me about the wanking-off bit?" "Sorry, I didn't think." "Well, you should have bloody thought." "Jesus!" "Did you do it?" "'Course I did." "How do you think I got these trainers?" "What's going on?" "Who's wanking who off?" "Jeremy's been wanking off this bloke for cash." "No, I haven't." "It's not..." "Jeremy, that is so you." "I always knew you'd end up doing something like that." "What do you mean, that is so me?" "That is not so me." "'So I have to jerk him off, but at least I get a lift home." "'Never mind." "Only a few hand shandies between me and a home studio.'" "I had a chance to think in Norway." "About us." "Us?" "Yeah?" "I've never had to pay for it before and I don't think I wanna pay for it with you." "Oh, right." "So, can I stop doing it?" "Well, I want you to keep doing it, but I want you to do it because you want to do it." "It's just, I don't really want to do it." "Could I start wearing a mitten?" "Or maybe chuck a flannel over it?" "It's just really difficult for me, because I really like you." "I just don't think we should see each other for a while." "I'm going away to get my head together." "No, but the thing is, I really like you too and I've been hiding my true feelings, even from myself, but now they're all coming out..." "What a lot of feelings!" "I'm sorry, Jez." "'Home studio slipping away!" "'" "No, really, I mean it." "I like you." "Fuck that, I love you and I want to have sex with you." "No, Jeremy!" "Let me have a go on the old gear stick." "I'll take it up to fourth." "This is not what I want." "Fuck off, Jez!" "'So, as it stands, I'm failing to find work as a prostitute." "'That doesn't feel good." "Still, got his house keys." "'lf I keep working for him, he'll have to keep paying me.'" "So this is your flat?" "This is it." "I call it a flat, because I'm quite modest, but, as you can see, it's actually quite a massive house." "'Shit." "Am I seriously hoping to have sex with Sally Slater?" "'This is all very wrong.'" "I always knew you'd do well for yourself, but this is amazing." "'Relax." "You don't go to adulterers' prison for drinking tea and playing Connect Four.'" "And Jeremy?" "Is he like your butler?" "There's not much else he can do in the real world." "I've been very lucky and I like to spread that around." "'Glad I sprayed my nuts with aftershave, though." "'You never know how things might turn out." "I'm no Nostradamus.'" "I never knew you were into stuff like this." "Oh, I just... really appreciate the male form." "Right." "I mean, I think it's kind of beautiful, I suppose." "Yeah, there is something beautiful about the male member." "It's good to have a look at it, now and again." "A reminder of what can happen, if you're not careful." "'What am I saying?" "'At least he's going." "Don't need a witness to this fiasco.'" "Here, Sally, I got you a present." "Hitchhiker's Guide." "It's the same copy we read from at Sutton Hoo." "I got it signed by Douglas Adams when he came to the big WH Smith's." "Oh, this is lovely." "Thank you." "It's so... romantic." "It's the perfect way to start our affair." "Our affair?" "OK, that sounds good." "What sort of affair were you thinking of?" "The Dreyfus Affair or more like the Watergate Affair?" "Cos I can tell you right now I'm not burgling any Democrats." "Relax." "We both want it to happen." "'Oh, my God, she's gonna kiss me." "'I'm such a bastard." "I'm meant to be getting married." "'I'm out of my depth." "I thought she was a frightened little suburban mouse, 'but, no, she's my nightmare - 'a liberated, sexually adventurous, urban woman.'" "Er, Sally, look, I'm really not sure I..." "'What am I doing?" "This isn't me, I can't have an affair." "'I'm not French." "I'm the least French person on the planet." "'My favourite cheeses are Cheddar and Red Leicester.'" "Look, I'm sorry, Sally, I just don't know if I can do this." "I mean, you've got your... miserable relationship and the truth is, I've got one of my own." "I just feel that, you know, if it ain't broke, don't fix it, and even if it is broke, just ignore it and maybe it'll be sort of OK, like the environment." "CAR DOOR SLAMS SHUT" "Who's that?" "'Is Russell back?" "'Oh, no!" "'" "Foz!" "Shit." "He's fucking followed me again." "He's obsessed with the idea that I'm screwing around on him." "Well, I mean, I suppose you are sort of trying to..." "Look, the door's locked and..." " (Jez) Foz?" " (Foz) Where's Sally?" "'Great." "Thanks, Jeremy(!" ")'" "(Foz) Sally!" "Shit!" "Hide!" "I'll just say I'm working here, cleaning." "I can't hide." "I'm not a good hider." "'What the hell am I doing?" "I'm doing a Jeremy." "This is a wake-up call.'" " Sally!" " 'I've definitely hit a new low.'" "Foz?" "What are you doing here?" "What the fuck are you doing here?" "Are you screwing Wankerthon's mate?" "Of course I'm bloody not, I'm cleaning, you arsehole." "This is Mark's flat and Jeremy's his servant." "Well, not servant really." "More of a..." "PHONE RINGS" "'Shit!" "Now she calls.'" "What's that?" "That's just the normal ringing noise." "That's normal." "Yeah?" "'Oh, must hide more." "Can't hide more.'" "Corrigan." "Are you spying on my wife?" "Are you wanking over her?" "Er..." "Yes." "Yeah, that's what I'm doing." "I'm spying on her and wanking over her." "You really are a filthy little perv, aren't you?" "Uh-huh, I suppose so." "Come on, we're going." "'Wow, he didn't hit me." "Bit disappointing." "'I thought I deserved to be hit.'" "Cheer up, Mark." "Least now you've got a funny story to tell people." "Yes, I guess this is a pretty funny story." "'One that I'll never ever tell anyone because of my deep and burning shame.'" "Paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to get me" "Just say you never met me" "I'm running underground with the moles" "Digging holes."