"LUCY:" "Four months into med school, and we were getting on each other's nerves." "Cole was especially good at it." "Cole, you're wearing my scrubs." "I had to wear the ones my mom made me." "Babe, you know girl scrubs make my ass pop." "That is so stupid." "Damn, Mama wants a bite!" "You know, Cole, you could be a little more respectful of other people." "Fine." "Maya, that is a lovely sweater." "It really shows everybody what you're working with." "There, Luce." "You happy?" " Ow!" "What was that for?" " I don't know." "I assume you did something stupid." " Did he?" " Yeah." "One more for luck." "All right, fall in, losers." "Today, one of you is gonna get an amazing learning opportunity." "Trang, I need you to put a new gown on Mrs. Gainer." "Be careful." "She's off her meds, has four-inch nails, and is convinced someone's trying to steal her skin." "Hey, Talking Man Baby, come here." "I am parked in the 10-minute parking zone." " You want me to move your car?" " No, I love the space." "What I want you to do is to pull out of and then back into the space every 10 minutes." "If you get bored, here's a ball and a half a deck of cards." "(WHISPERING) I want that ball." "Trang, get over here right now." "LUCY:" "I didn't envy Trang." "At some point, we'd all been caught between Dr. Mahoney and Dr. Cox, and it felt like being in a pinball machine." "(PINBALL MACHINE CLANGING)" "And it always ended the same way, with Dr. Cox winning." "Tiny One, run fast now." "Dr. Kelso?" "I told you, you can't be coming up in here stealing all the gauze." "Are you building a giant gauze ball?" "'Cause if you are, I want in." "It's on my bucket list." "Actually, I'm here for a medical reason." "I had a bit of a scare while I was playing a game of Scattergories with my niece." "You're still on the clock." "She means the Scattergories clock." "She's very competitive." "Anyway, I got a little bit light-headed, and so we're gonna run some tests." "I wouldn't worry about it." "A few years back, I got a little light-headed myself." "Turns out it was..." "Well, it was diabetes." "That's a bad example." "You'll be fine." "You'll be fine." "What up, Dr. T?" "Okay, today, as part of your practical doctoring class, we'll be conducting physical exams on one another for the first time." "Cole." "Put your pants back on." "My bad." "I thought this was going somewhere totally different." "People, I said it day one, I can't teach you without your pants on." "While doing these exams, some of you may experience something we like to call Med Student Syndrome." "It's a common condition where med students think they have the disease they're studying." "All right, what I want you all to do now, though, is partner up with the person next to you and get it cracking." "LUCY:" "Getting paired up in med school was like playing a game of win, lose, or Frank." "Spoiler alert." "My skin's super flaky." "Man, I just got totally Frank'd." "I really appreciate you taking time to check me out." "I'm gonna take care of you, but first, as you know, we got to knock out one of these patient histories." "And we both know how weird these can get." "Yes, deeply, deeply weird." "What do you say we just dive right in?" "Are you currently taking any medications?" "Have you had sex with multiple partners?" "You exercising regularly?" "And have you traveled outside the United States in the last couple months?" "Yes." "Hell, yes." "Yes, I go to the bathroom 10 times a day, which for me is cardio." " Natch." " I recently flew to Bangkok, but I didn't actually get off the plane." "Right." "That little stunt you pulled with Trang?" "Not cool." "I needed him for real hospital work." "Having him move my car, I'll have you know, was hospital work of the highest order." "That's exactly what Trang needed." "Driving back and forth in the parking lot, reinforcing every stereotype of Asian drivers." "Look, you're the one who put me with the med students, so don't undermine me." "Who's in charge of them, you or me?" "I'm in charge of you, and by the transitive property, anybody you're in charge of, I'm also in charge of." "You see, I'm the boss around here." "I can pretty much do whatever I want." "For instance, I can use the intercom to whistle." "Any loose change, automatically mine." "And I never have to buy chocolate bars from any of my colleagues' awful children to support their horrible school bands." "I can do whatever I want, and you just have to stand and nod like the sweet-mouthed little man-boy, monkey toy that you truly are." "Mine." "Ugh!" "Leave." "(STUDENTS CLAMORING)" "LUCY:" "Even though Dr. Turk warned us about Med Student Syndrome, we couldn't help ourselves." "Dr. Turk, I've got scurvy and rickets." "How did I get all the pirate diseases?" "TRANG:" "That's a walk in the park compared to my early-onset dementia." "Where's my phone?" "DREW:" "Actually, Cole does have a weird mole on his chest." "COLE:" "Man, forget that mole." "I'm more worried about the pain in my throat." "The T-Pain." "(COLE SINGING ON PHONE)" "Listen, guys, calm down." "You're all fine." "Everything's good." "That's a bruise, you're just ticklish, and you, my friend, you got ink on your tongue." "Stop eating your pens." "Cole, the mole on your chest..." "Well, actually, the mole on your chest is something we need to check out." "So, Cole, unfortunately, the biopsy shows that your mole is malignant." "You have melanoma." "Skin cancer?" "Oh, my God, Cole." "(COLE SINGING ON PHONE)" "How'd you know it was gonna be malignant?" "I didn't." "I was prepared for both ways." "(COLE SINGING ON PHONE)" "(THEME SONG PLAYING)" "LUCY:" "Cole's cancer thing was really freaking me out." "Hey, check it, I put orange soda in my IV bag." "I'm like a hamster, yo." "Cole, not so much." "This is serious." "You have cancer." "Lucy, it's not cancer cancer." "Hey, that kind of cancer is for uglies and dudes who keep laptops on their balls." "Well, then, Bob-O, I figured out what's causing the fainting." "Men don't faint." "We take unintended, decisive naps." "It's just vagal syncope." "Nothing to worry about." "That's a relief." "So, just fill my prescription for blue steel and I'll be on my way." "There is one other thing." "Unfortunately, given your age and your current insurance regulations, they're not gonna let you drive anymore." "That's crazy." "I'm a great driver." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Hey, what's up?" "Nothing." "I was just about to grab some yogurt." "(CAR HORNS HONKING)" "I guess I can bum rides." "It's good, actually." "You don't know how many times" "I've been out late and had to pass on that seventh drink." "No more Mr. Responsible." " What about him?" "How's he gonna die?" " Red nose, beer gut." " Definitely liver failure." " No way." "Check out his shirt and his callused hands." "He probably works around a lot of machinery." "I'm thinking nail gun to the head." "You said that about the nurse who just walked by." "I think you're overestimating how many people actually own nail guns." "Whatever." "That's how I want to go." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" " Hello." " Number One," "I need you to prep some forms for Dr. Kelso, get the notes for today's lecture out of my office and set my DVR to record Big Bang Theory." "The whole world is watching this thing and I've got to know why." "I got to go." "Dr. Cox needs me to do a bunch of stuff." "Cox?" "You're leaving me for Cox, right now?" " Yeah, is that all right?" " No, yeah, that's fine." "Go." "It's just all this talk about, you know, dying is making me think about my childhood dog, Rascal" "Flats Paws." "You had a dog named Rascal Flats Paws?" "It's an Indian name, okay?" "We got him from a Navajo rescue center." "I taught him how to skateboard." "He was really good, until my dad ran him over." " Bastard did it on purpose." " Wait, are you screwing with me?" "Yeah, Drew." "That's what I do." "I make up stories about my dead, skateboarding Indian dog and my abusive father just to mess with you." "That..." "Yeah." "What, just forget it." "Uh..." "No, it's fine." "I'll stay." "After our examinations yesterday, we discovered a malignant melanoma on Cole's chest." "He's been generous enough to let us use his case as a teaching tool." " Mmm!" "Hear that?" "I'm a tool, yo." " Pal..." "Drew, he's sick." "Let's just let it slide." "This slide is a magnified image of Cole's mole." "How is it different from a benign one?" "Well, it's dark with undefined edges." "You're dark with undefined edges." " That doesn't even make any sense." " You don't make sense." "Okay, you know what?" "We'll just move on to the questions." "Dr. Turk, doesn't melanoma sometimes spread into the lymph nodes?" "Well, they caught it early, so that's an extreme scenario." "You're an extreme scenario." "(LAUGHING) I'm sorry, Dr. T. He just keeps setting me up." "Thanks again, Turkleton, for giving me the lift." "Hitching rides with students was not working out." "The constant stops at keg parties and strip clubs, they just weren't into it." "But, hey, nobody hustles Bob Kelso out of the champagne room." "That is my house." "If I even step into the parking lot of a strip club, Carla, she can pick up the scent of glitter and vanilla body wash like nobody's business." "I'm telling you, it's like she's a stripper bloodhound." "Well, I got to get home early anyway." "I want to read the Internet before they take it down." "I'm not exactly sure that's how that works, sir." " Damn." " What?" "I talked through my taco." "I totally forgot to savor it." "I'm gonna go get another one." "I'll be back in five minutes, okay?" "You know what?" "10 minutes." "Line looks kind of long." "I know you think this surgery is no big deal, but are you sure you don't want your parents there?" "Yeah, I'm good." "And besides, they're on some bike trip around Iceland taking pictures of puffins, whatever the hell those are." "What about your boys?" "I could give them a call for you." "Nah." "Topher and Boots are on house arrest for getting into a fight with Criss Angel at a porn convention." "Sounded awesome." "I could at least make sure our study group is there." " (SCOFFS) Those fools?" " They're your friends." "They want to be there for you." "All right, I guess it's cool if they come." "Oh, sweet." "Cancer party!" "Like, tons of my uncles died of cancer, so I know exactly how to do this." "But theirs were sad." "This one's gonna be fun." "CO X:" "Number One, just exactly what in the hell happened?" "You didn't do any of the stuff that I asked you to." "I'm sorry." "Denise was going through something." "I was in a really emotional place." "Let me see if I've got this straight, Dr. Mahoney." "You, who think that women in labor need to cool it on the emotional theatrics, suddenly became a needy girlfriend at the exact same moment that I required Number One's help?" " What's going on here?" " I'll tell you what's going on here." "This one thinks that just because you're having emotionless intercourse, that you are the one med student who will listen to her over me." "Sweetie, ignore him." "I need you to take a patient to get an MRI." "And I need you to prepare slides for the immunology exam." "The one thing I know for sure is that Drew is not gonna sacrifice his entire medical career for the steely caress of your cold robot pincers." "Well, let's let him choose." "Fine." "Drew?" "Hey, Bob, I am so sorry to keep you waiting." "I've been dancing as fast as I can up there, but I just need 15 more minutes to see another patient" " and we will get out of here." " Take your time." "It's already been 10 minutes, what's 15 more?" "Why don't you just go inside and have yourself a seat?" "A nice, warm seat for the old-timer, huh?" "Gee, thanks." "Will there be an afghan?" "I don't want to get a draft while I'm doing the jumble and clipping articles to send to my grandchildren." "I appreciate that you're frustrated." "Not being able to drive, losing your independence." "It's got to be pretty hard on you." "What the hell you talking about?" "Look, Perry, just because we had a couple of nice conversations and a few backyard beers last summer, it doesn't mean we're Butch and Sundance, all right?" "So, just forget all this soulmate stuff and just go bring the car around." "You know what, Bob?" "Find your own way home." "Hey." "Guys, I wanted to talk to you about something." "You want us to go to Cole's surgery?" "How did you know?" "It's written on your hand." " I've been forgetting things recently." " You should eat more grains." "You know, I was just thinking that exact..." "Oh." "So, can I count on you all to be there?" "Why?" "He never supports us." "Yeah, last month I ran a charity 5K." "But when I asked Cole for a donation, he burped in my face and told me it was for the kids." "But it would mean a lot to him if you guys were there." "Really?" "Because every time I ask him how he is, he shows me his abs and says, "Ask them."" "Look, if you don't want to do it for him, then do it for me." "And if you don't want to do it for me, then do it for the cupcakes I'll bring." "Maybe." "LUCY:" "I tried to make sure Cole wouldn't be alone, although, for some, solitude can be a relief." "Have you seen Drew Suffin?" "Med student, but, like, 900 years old?" "Hey, you seen a med student, thinks he's way cooler than he is, kind of has a serial killer vibe?" "But sometimes it can remind you of a growing frustration." "And even if you think you're just fine on your own, you can feel surprisingly abandoned." "I thought you said people were coming." "Cupcake?" "Hey, where did you go?" "I went to the campus store and got some things to cheer you up." "Like a Winston University mini-fan because the surgery is gonna be a breeze," "a license plate frame because you are gonna drive away that cancer, and a stuffed Ollie the Owlcat because you are gonna hoot, hoot, hoot..." "Actually, I just really think he's cute." "Can I have him?" " Whatever." "Keep it." " Look, it's not all bad." "I'm here." "We have cupcakes." "We can lie in bed and watch TV all day." "No, the remote's broken and it's stuck on the History Channel." "Okay, I don't care about stuff that's already happened." "I'm really sorry no one came." "Yeah, I was fine without anyone, but you had to promise." "You had to do the whole Lucy thing of "They'll come." ""They'll listen to me." "I think horses should go into space."" "I never said that." "Why would I want fewer horses on Earth?" "That's crazy." "What's crazy is thinking that you could cheer me up." "You know, that is just the kind of jerky thing that makes people not want to be there for you." "Well, I don't need them and I don't need you, either." "Okay, so take your cupcakes and your license plate frame, leave the mini-fan and go." "Whatever you want." "Come on, Lucy!" "Judge Mathis?" "Med student who was supposed to pick me up never showed up." " I've been out there forever." " What do you want from me?" "Help me out with this paperwork thing so I can drive again." "It's just some stupid insurance rule." "That's a pretty big favor there, Bob." "And since, according to you, we're not real friends, which makes perfect sense, as your only real friends are a bottle of discount gin and the metal handrail in your shower," "I'm gonna go ahead and say no." "We got to pass." "What are you doing here?" " I got a text from Drew." " Yeah, me, too." "DENISE:" "What's going on?" "You texted me that a patient's coding in here." "CO X:" "You texted me, "Come and show me your boobs"?" "I may have switched those texts." "Which does raise the question, why did you show up then, Dr. Cox?" "(TOILET FLUSHING)" "Dr. Kelso?" "Sorry, son." "I came in to use the bathroom while you were sleeping." "But I've been watching TV for the last 45 minutes." "Yeah, I got caught up in this article about how they make tortillas." "There's a lot of steps." "What're you in for?" "I got the cancer." "Woof." "I'll tell you what'll make you feel better." "Giving an old man your pudding cup." "Listen, for reasons I don't understand, probably related to childhood memories of my father dressed up like my mother screaming, "Am I pretty?" "Am I pretty?" "Am I pretty?"" "You two are my closest relationships in this place." "Congratulations." "But I cannot handle being stuck in the middle of you guys." "You have got to work it out." "You brought us here to make us talk?" "That's ridiculous." "About as ridiculous as your five-o'clock shadow." "Honest to God, there are some times during rounds when I look over at you, and it's like I'm teaching Yasir Arafat." "Really?" "I see a slightly gayer George Michael." " Oh!" "So see that." " Mmm." "Could you please be more alike?" "You know, we are kind of alike." "Actually, a lot of my best moves I learned from watching you." "Remember when you gave Maya that two-page list of careers she'd be more suited for than medicine?" "She cried for the entire weekend." "Really?" "Gosh, you hope you reach these kids, but you never know." "You just never know." "Sorry your mom couldn't make it." "She's a hell of a woman." "Next time you see her, tell her that Bob Kelso said," ""I still see sugarplums." She'll know what it means." "Does it mean that you want her to make you one of her holiday cakes?" " Yeah, that's what it means." " Yeah." "So, where are your friends?" "They never showed up." "Man, if one of them needed me, I'd be there." "Okay, like, when Trang asked me to help him move," "I said no because I didn't want to slow everyone down with my hilarious jokes." " Are you scared about this?" " No." "Okay." "Look, I'm totally freaked out." "And I pushed away the one person who was here for me." "Old man, here's your stinking forms." "Enjoy driving again." "Try not to kill anybody." "What was that?" "He just did me a big favor, even though I was a real douche to him." "And I was just scared about getting old and losing my independence." "It sucks." "Man, I don't want people to know when I'm scared." " It's weak." " Yeah, I used to be like you." "You know, putting up a front, shutting people out, acting like you don't need anybody." "Yeah." "Fortunately, though, I got past all that." "Because, you see, the best thing about letting people know how you really feel about them is then, no matter how big a jackass you've been, they'll still show up for you when times are bad." "Hey, I got your message." " Did you listen to the whole thing?" " Yeah." "Then why are you wearing a bra?" "(WHISPERING) I'm not." "Thanks for coming." "I was a jerk and you didn't deserve it." "I know you were scared." "I'll be here when you get out, okay?" "LUCY:" "Sometimes ego gets in the way of what's best for you." "Whether it's combining forces..." "Now, this guy's never prepared for class a day in his life." "Let's say we start with him?" "The weird shoes, the skinny chicken legs..." " What are you guys doing?" " You were right about us." "We are so alike." "So, we decided to team up and make life hell for the med students." "What have I done?" "...the opportunity to thank a friend..." "KELSO:" "That's the good stuff." "I swiped it from the bar at the country club." "You're welcome, Bob." "...or the chance to do something nice for the people in your life because you actually do care." "Hey, I know we're gonna be studying late, so I bought you nerds dinner." "Did you rub, graze, touch, dip, drag or spread your stuff on any part of this?" "Wanted to, decided not to." "Cole?" "I just wanted to do something nice for you guys." "Hey, Dr. Kelso's driving again." "(CAR SPEEDING)" "Yeah, that's about right." "Hey, I wanted to talk to you about skin cancer." "It's very serious but easily preventable." "Always wear sunscreen, get a full body check-up annually and when you go to the beach, stay covered up, unless you're a hottie, in which case, you should take it all off and get weird." "We're trying to make a video about cancer awareness." "Okay, what about hottie awareness?" "Have you been to the beach lately?" "It's all families eating hard-boiled eggs." "Okay, that ain't right." "You know what, just go..." "Hey, go, go." "Press record." "I got this." "I'll figure it out." "Hotties, remember this, you cannot get skin cancer on your taters."