"(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "(theme song ending)" "Gee, two vanloads of furniture." "What can they do with so much junk?" " Mm." "Where'd they ever get that sofa?" "Isn't that a...?" "Are you still hanging out that window?" "Now, come on, honey..." "I want my breakfast." "There's some coffee over there." "I'll make you some soft-boiled chairs in a minute." " What?" " I mean, eggs." "Look at those chairs, will you, Ethel?" "Ugh." "Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay." "FRED:" "Hi, Rick." "Hello, Fred." "Ethel up here?" "Oh, there she is." "The nosy twins." "They've been hanging out that window for an hour, snooping." "You'd think they'd never seen anyone move into an apartment before." " Do you want some coffee?" " No, thanks." "Ethel, look at those china lamps." "He shouldn't try to balance that lamp on that table like that." "Oh, honey, now, those moving men know what they're doing." "They never drop any... (both gasp)" "(Crash)" " Oh..." " Oh..." "Well, I guess one lamp's better than none." "Ethel, come out of that window." "Suppose the new tenant should see you." "There's nobody down there but the moving men." "They won't be satisfied until they see every last bit of those people's, uh, paraphernalia." "Par..." "Que no va a estar conforme hasta que no ven el ultimo trasto de los nuevos vecinos." "Oh, paraphernalia." "You understand Spanish?" "No." "Now, come out of there, both of you." "FRED:" "Come on!" "You've done enough snooping." "We're not snooping." "I'm surprised they're not using binoculars." "Oh, I forgot I had them." "Say, that must be the new tenant coming up now." "Isn't he handsome?" ""Handsome"?" "How can you call him handsome with those bugged-out eyes and long hairy legs?" "Huh?" "Hey, you got a fly on the lens." "Oh!" "Ooh, say, he is handsome." "Let me see through those things." "Ethel!" "Curiosity killed the cat, eh, Fred?" "Yeah, but we'll never get a break like that." "(laughing)" "Now, why can't they wait until tomorrow to see what those people look like?" "I don't know." "It doesn't make any difference to me what they look like." "Me, neither." "Hey, who was that?" "Do you suppose that could be his wife?" "(gasping):" "Look at that gorgeous blond hair." "LUCY:" "Ethel Mertz!" "How do you dare let a woman like that that has a figure like that, come into this building?" "That's the biggest mista..." "Just a minute." " Hey, fellas!" "Give me that, will you?" "Nothing doing." "Fred, give me that thing!" "Fellas, watch it, will you?" "Gee, I'm sure glad men aren't nosy." "Yeah." "Wow, wow." "(wolf whistle)" "All right, fellas, break it up, will you?" "We were here first." "Get your own window." "Ah... they gone inside." "(coughs)" "That's all, girls." "Yeah, the show is over." "Here." "Well, something tells me" "I'm going to be doing a lot of repairing in that apartment." "Ah..." "You need a helper?" "Have you got a card?" "I'll join." "Okay, Ethel, what's the dirt on the new tenants?" "Where are they from?" "I don't know." "What business is he in?" "I don't know." "Do they have any children?" "I don't know." "What's the matter with you?" "Your radar bent?" "No, they rented the apartment through an agent." "All I know is their name is O'Brien she's a blonde, and they've got one broken lamp." "Well, what are we waiting for?" " Let's go down and call on them." " Okay, let's go." "Now, now, wait a minute, Ethel." "Give them a chance to get settled." "Yeah, I guess he's right." "No sense rushing things." "(both sigh)" "Okay, let's go." "Lucy, come on!" "Well, I'm trying to, but there's a very strong current here." " Ricky, let go." " Come here, Lucy." "You're not going to go downstairs." "Why not?" "Because there's nothing downstairs that concerns you." "You'll have to give me a better reason than that." "You just go in the kitchen and fix my breakfast." "Oh... we'll go down later, Ethel." "His majesty is hungry." "Okay, there's plenty of time." "His majesty has another proclamation." "I don't want you to go down there at all." ""At all" as in "never"?" "Right." "Now, repeat after me:" "I, Lucy Ricardo, promise never to set foot in the O'Brien apartment." "Oh, really." "Come on." "I, Lucy Ricardo, promise never to set foot..." "Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute." "Uh-huh." "Now." "I, Lucy Ricardo, promise never to set foot in the O'Brien apartment-- okay?" "Okay." "Okay." "OPERATOR:" "Information." "Do you have a telephone number for O'Brien, 623 East 68th Street?" "They just moved in today." "One moment, please." "Fred, are you going to be long?" "I want to use the phone." "No, no, I'll just be a minute." "I thought I'd call downstairs and see if there's anything" "they wanted me to do..." " Are you calling the O'Briens?" "They'll call you if they want anything done." "You're never too busy to do anything when there's a blonde around." "Are you calling them?" "How can you think a thing like that?" "Oh, hello, Mr. Thompson?" "How's the plumbing holding up down there?" "Well, good." "No, no, no, not at all, thanks." "Help yourself." "OPERATOR:" "The number for the O'Briens is Murray Hill 5-9-5-7-O." "Stick 'em up." "(gasps)" "Tom, you scared me to death." "Hiya, baby." "Hi." "Put this on the mantel for me, will you?" "Forget about unpacking." "We've got a script to learn." "But, Tom, this place..." "Look, honey, this television show goes on Friday night." "We don't even know our lines yet." "Well, I know mine." "All right, smarty." "I'll help you with yours." "Good." "Now, let's see." "I think I know that first scene, baby." "Let's start with the second one." "All right." "Now, where are we'?" "(Russian accent):" "Are you sure this is the right place?" "(Russian accent):" "I am positive." "They live in this building on an upper floor." "Good." "Let me go over the plan with you once more." "We do away with them both-- dispose of the bodies and assume their identities." "We become them, yes?" "Exactly." "It is dangerous but it is our only chance to stay in this country" "so we can blow up the capital." " Shh!" "(normal voice):" "You know, that's pretty corny dialogue." "Yeah, even for television." "Well, it's a living." "Let's see, where were we?" "(Russian accent):" "You know, my little chicken, this job will not be easy." "They're clever and physically strong." "(normal voice):" ""Physically strong"..." ""Physically strong"..." "Yeah, I thought you knew your part, baby." "That's the first one I've missed." "It's, "Especially..."" "(Russian accent):" "Especially the red-haired one." "Did you notice those big bulging muscles those-those popping eyes, and-and that horrible, ugly, leering face?" "I will take care of that one, silently, with a knife in the back." "(crunching)" "You will handle the other." "I will, on one condition-- that you take me out to lunch." "Huh?" "It's 3:00 and I'm starved." " Ah." "I haven't had anything to eat since breakfast." "All right." "Come on, let's go down to the drugstore and have a sandwich." "We can finish rehearsing when we get back." "Okay, baby." "(Russian accent):" "I will take care of that one, silently, with a knife in the back." "(crunching)" "Hey... (crunching)" "Oh." "(Russian accent):" "Wait." "Good, they have not seen us." "The coast is clear." "(laughing):" "Darling, you're such a fool." "You know, baby, I think we're going to like this place." "Mrs. O'Brien?" "Mrs. O'Brien, it's me, the landlady." "Is there anything I can help you with?" "Mrs. O'Brien?" "Ew." "(whispers):" "Hi, Ethel." "Lucy." "What about your promise?" "Well, I promised Ricky" "I wouldn't set foot in this apartment, but that doesn't mean I can't stay out here in the hall and give a long-distance snoop." " Aren't they home?" " No." "I had to wait all morning and half the afternoon for them to leave." "(laughing):" "What'd you find?" "Well..." "Lucy, what period is this?" "19th-century provincial?" "Looks like 20th-century ugly." "What else is there?" "These lamps." "Now that I see these lamps up close it's too bad they didn't drop both of them." "Where are they?" "Here." "Oh..." "Gosh, this is the most frustrating thing that ever happened to me." "Wait, I'll bring one over to you." "No, listen-- just because I promised Ricky that I wouldn't set foot in this apartment doesn't mean I can't set knees in." "So long as I keep my feet off the floor" "I'm an honest woman, right?" "(chuckles)" "(gasps)" "He'd better see his dentist." "Oh, fine thing-- she removed all the price tags." "Hey, look at this." "What is that?" "Early Pullman." "RICKY:" "Lucy!" "Ricky's home." "Lucy!" "He's coming down here." "What'll I do?" "Hide someplace." "I'll get rid of him." "But where?" "In the closet." "Oh, hi, Ethel." "I have a perfect right to be here." "Who said you didn't?" "Well, uh... (chuckling):" "I just came up to see if everything was all right, and everything's all right." "Well, let's go." "You seen Lucy?" "Lucy who?" "Lucy Ricardo, my wife." "Oh, that Lucy." "Yeah, that Lucy." "No, I haven't seen her." "Let's go." "(voices approaching)" "(Russian accent):" "Are you sure this is the right place?" "I am positive." "They live in this building on an upper floor." "MR. O'BRIEN:" "Good." "Let me go over the plan with you once more." "We do away with them both-- dispose of the bodies and assume their identities." "MRS. O'BRIEN:" "We become them, yes?" "Exactly." "It is dangerous, but it is our only chance to stay in this country so we can blow up the capital." "Shh!" "You know, my little chicken, this job will not be easy." "They are clever and physically strong." "Especially the red-haired one." "Did you notice... did you notice those big bulging muscles, those-those popping eyes and that horrible, ugly, leering face?" "I will take care of that one, silently, with a knife in the back." "(crunching)" "You will handle the other." "Do not worry." "In a dark alley, a loop of silver wire around the neck..." "One tug-- poof!" "(laughing)" "Wait..." "I do not know if you actually realize the importance of this mission." "What a great honor it is for you and I to have been chosen to perform it." "It is a crowning glory." "It makes us the most trusted agents in our nation's service." "I am overwhelmed with pride." "Darling... when this assignment is over and we return to our native homeland," "I will tell you something that I have wanted to say to you for a long, long time." "Tell me now." "No, there is no time for personal emotion." "We have a job to do." "That is all that counts." "Tell me now." "No." "I think I can guess." "What do you think it is?" "Tell rne." "No, guess." "Kiss me." "Ah, you guessed." "Enough of this." "We are on a sacred mission." "We cannot be weak." "You are right but I'll remember this until we can be weak again." "Now, my little chicken, are all our preparations in order?" "Now, my little chicken..." "Now, my little chicken, are all our preparations in..." "Now, my little chicken, are all our preparations in order?" "You have the knife?" "Yes." "The silver wire?" "Yes." "The map?" "Yes." "The explosives?" "Yes." "The two-way wrist television set?" "Yes." "Good." "I cannot..." "I cannot think as a patriot." "My blood is pounding in my ears." "As a woman, I beg of you... be weak again." "The roar of my blood is loud and deep." "What a tragedy my life has been up to now." "I see for the first time that to love is to live." "(normal voice):" "Hey, not bad, eh?" "That's gin." "Aw, Ricky." "That's all." "Oh, no, let's play one more hand, Ricky, huh?" "RICKY:" "All right." "Oh, there you are, Ethel." "Have you got the pass key?" "I want to check the heat in Miss Lewis's apartment." "Lucy, what are you doing?" "They're after us." "Help me." "Well, what happened?" "What are you talking about?" "Who's after who?" "The O'Briens, Ethel." "You're nurturing two vipers in your brownstone bosom." "What?" "Lucy... have you been snooping downstairs?" "Yes, I've been snooping and it's a good thing I did, too." "Those people are foreign enemy agents." "They're going to rub us out and they're not going to use an eraser either." "Lucy, you mean to tell me that you went downstairs after you promised me not to?" "Yes, I've been a bad girl and you can spank me tomorrow if there's anything left to spank!" "Well, didn't you hear what I said?" "What's the matter with you?" "Our lives are in danger!" "Now, look, honey why would those people want to give us a rubdown?" "Rub us out!" "I heard them." "They're going to kill us and assume our identities." "Why?" "So they can blow up the capital." ""Blow up the capital."" " Yes!" " Now, look, honey..." "Now, wait a minute." "Maybe we'd better pay attention to Lucy." "After all, she was in their apartment." "Yeah, and I'm going to call the police." "I got to get them over here." "We got to save the country." "Now, now, look, honey, calm down, will you?" "Let's talk this thing over." "Now, wait a minute." "A lot of talking you're going to do with a silver wire wrapped around your neck." "Silver wire?" "Yeah!" "Aw, honey, you'd better lie down." " Come on, now." " I don't want to lie down!" "If I go, I want to be..." "go standing up fighting." "I think it's time to turn on the furnace." "Good luck, Rick." "And you go with him, Ricky." "I'll try to settle her down." " All right." "Ricky, you're not going to leave me at a time like this!" "When you come back, I might be gone!" "Well, if you go, leave me a note and tell me where I can find my clean socks." "Ricky!" "Why won't anybody believe me?" " Oh..." "l'm telling you I heard." " Oh, come on, now, honey." " I heard it!" "I heard it!" " Calm down." " I know what I heard!" "Now, Lucy, are you sure you heard right?" "Cross my heart and hope to..." "Oh!" "Oh, dear." "Well, I'm not going to sit here like a sitting duck." "I'm going to call the police." "Operator, give me the police." "(ringing) 32nd Precinct." "Sergeant Morton speaking." "Help!" "Name, please." "Mrs. Ricky Ricardo." "Send a squad of men over right away." "Send two squads, the whole force." "Address?" "623 East 68th Street, and hurry." "Now, Mrs. Ricardo, what seems to be your trouble?" "Well... some people that moved in downstairs are plotting to kill us." "Do you know these people?" "No." "Then, how do you know they're going to kill you?" "I heard them." "L-I just happened to be hiding in their closet at the time." "I see." "And why do you suppose they want to kill you?" "So they can assume our identities and blow up the capital." "This is serious." "You're darn right it is!" "These people are agents of some foreign government." "What's their names?" "O'Brien." "Lady, have you been nipping on the cooking sherry?" "Oh, please, you've got to believe me." "I'm, I'm living on borrowed time." "It was only by a very clever ruse that I managed to escape from their apartment right under their eyes." "And how did you manage that?" "I pretended to be a chair." "I don't think the police can help you, madam." "Why don't you call an upholsterer?" "Oh, Officer, please, I'm serious." "My life is at stake." "What'll I do?" "Just relax." "Take it easy... and in time, you may grow up to be a nice big sofa!" "But, Officer..." " Oh, Officer!" " Oh, come on, now, Lucy." " Aw, nobody will believe me." " Come on, honey don't you think a good, hot bath and a nice rest" " I keep telling you what's happening -will help you relax?" " But nobody will believe me!" " But, after all, Lucy..." " To arms!" "To arms!" " To arms!" "To arms!" " ETHEL:" "What happened?" " Lucy's right!" "Lucy's right!" "We listened through the furnace pipe." " See?" " FRED:" "Yeah!" "Yeah, th-they are planning to kill us and blow up the capital!" "Yeah, well, now, maybe you'll believe me when I tell you something." "I'm going to call the police right away!" "I just did." "They don't care a darn about it." "Well, they're not going to get us without a fight." "I'm going to get my rifle!" "Yeah, and I got two shotguns downstairs and I'll get them, too." "All right, bring both of them." " Lock the doors and shut all the windows!" "Yeah." "BOTH:" "Lock the doors and shut all the windows." "(singsongy): 10:00 in the living room and all's well!" "RICKY: 10:00 in the bedroom and all's well!" "FRED: 10:00 in the hallway and all's well!" "ETHEL (mumbling): 10:00 in the kitchen and all's well!" "Kitchen sentry, report to the living room." "Yes, sir." "Ethel, are you eating on duty?" "No, sir." "What's that in your hand?" "Um..." "Well, I'm not very good with a gun and I thought if anybody sneaked in through the back door" "I'd beat them to death." "Well, I hope they get here before you eat your club away." "Hup, two, three, four." "Hup, two, three, four." "(grunting military cadence)" "Fred, what are you doing away from your post?" "I'm hungry and I request transfer to the kitchen." "What do you want?" "I'm lonesome in there all by myself." "(banging)" "What's that?" "I hear something." "FRED:" "I do, too." "Be calm." "Be calm." "Be steady." "Take it easy." "Don't get excited." "Now, don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes." "Okay." " Take it easy." " Okay." "Okay." "(phone ringing)" "Hello?" "No, this isn't the city dump." "You got the wrong number." "Very clever ruse of theirs to find out if we're home or not." " Right." " Hey, hey." "Go around." "Come here." " What's the matter?" " Someone's at the door." "Okay." "Be careful." "Be steady." "Be calm." "Get ready." " Just don't be trigger-happy now." "Oh?" "Don't shoot till it's absolutely necessary." " All right." "Okay." " Okay." "All right?" "(doorbell buzzes)" "Good morning, folks." "ALL:" "Good morning." "(grumbles)" "Well, I finally got this thing straightened out." " What?" " You did?" "You have?" " Great." " Yeah." "The O'Briens are actors." "What you heard was a play they were rehearsing." "Eww!" "You can go now." "Mr. Mertz." "Yeah?" "The O'Briens told me to tell you they're moving out of your apartment." "Aw... fine." "This is all your fault, Lucy." "FRED:" "Yes, and you'll pay that rent till we get another tenant." "And one of your trigger-happy sentinels shot a hole in the hot-water pipe." "Your whole apartment is flooded." "And she'll pay for that, too!" "Oh, come on, Fred, we'd better hurry home." "Uh, you must be the famous, uh, Ricky Ricardo." "Oh, you heard about me, eh?" "In the paper... this morning." "Oh, in the paper." "Front page." ""Orchestra Leader..." "Jailed in Shooting Spree."" "Cuando Ia lleve a Ia casa le voy a cortar la cabeza en dos pedazos." "Come on, sweetheart." "Come on." "Come on, sweetheart." "Let's go home." "Come on, lady, you can go out in the world now." "Nobody's going to kill you." "Come on, sweetheart." "Come on." "Come on, sweetheart." "Lock the door, Officer." "I like it better in here." "(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "ANNOUNCER:" "The pan' of Mrs. O'Brien was played by K. T. Stevens." "The part of Mr. O'Brien was played by Hayden Rorke." "The part of the policeman was played by Allen Jenkins." "I Love Lucy is a Desilu production."