"[chorus sings "Teenage Dirtbag"]" "♪ Her name is Noel I had a dream about her... ♪" "Yup." "You're good." " Cool." " Yup." " Yup..." "Whoa, hold up." "ID, please?" " Yeah, I left it in my car." "Sorry." "Why are you doing this to me?" "I can't let you in." "[man] All right, I'll get it, even though you see me come through here every morning." "Dude, this is my first day." "So, that's the job." "Pretty simple." "No one gets in without an ID." " Mm-hmm." " Keep your eye out for vagrants." "They're gonna want to use the bathrooms, can't let them." "You'd think it'd be easy to tell the difference between a homeless guy and an art student." "It's not." "Which reminds me, if you see a guy, kind of a raggedy fella with a broom around his neck, a little broom, just wave him on through." "He's one of our deans." "So, any questions?" "I read that after 120 days, I'm eligible for health insurance?" " Oh, that sounds great!" "Uh-huh." " Yeah." "Anything else?" "Yeah." "Seems like there's a lot of downtime." "Can I use the computer?" " Oh, yes." "Knock yourself out." " Cool." "No hardcore porno." "We had to make a "no hardcore porno" rule, because the last guy fried the computer." "I'm not allowed to tell you his name." "We call it the Dave Rogers rule." "Got it." "No hardcore porno." "[chuckles]" "So, uh, what are you working on?" " I'm sort of starting an eBay page." " Ah!" "Doing the eBay thing, huh?" "Ha, ha." " Selling those Beanie Babies, huh?" " Not exactly." "Ah, people love those Beanie Babies." "You know, I read that one sold for half a mil." "Can you believe that?" "Man, if I got a half a million dollars in my pocket," "I'd buy myself one of those big-ass jet planes." " I think they cost more than that." " Ah!" "Another dream dead." "[chuckles]" "So, if I wanna buy something from you..." " where do I go?" " Hmm?" "On, uh... on eBay?" "What name do I search for?" "[sighs] Yeah, I'm working on that." "[Yelle's "Je Veux Te Voir" playing] [woman singing in French]" "[Annie] Whoo!" "Oh, hi." "That smell." "It's like a mix of April fresh and August stank." "Via old clothes and definitely not because I'm pitting out like a mofo." "All right, as requested, all the old vintage dresses I don't wear anymore." "Probably unusable." "Oh." "No." "Try it on." "[sings] Shimmy, shimmy!" "[sighs] See, the lady at the shop said I could belt it." "That lady fucking lied to me." "Hmm..." "Mm..." "Okay." "Ooh, all right." "Goin' right for it." "I don't know if the sleeves were the problem." "Ooh..." "Be still, you nut." "Whoo!" "Huh." "Hot damn!" " All right, looks like you can belt it." " Mm-hmm." "I can call this Stevie Nicks stage-goddess boho duster." " Yeah." " Bet I can get 200 bucks for it." " What?" " Mm-hmm." "Put that awesome shit online and make yourself some ka-ching, ka-ching." "Not until I've landed on a name." "Who cares?" "Pick one out of a hat." "This is the most important decision of my young life." "When you sell stuff, you're asking people to buy into you." "And I need a name that reflects who I am." "So, I've been going through some of these vintage names online." "Remembrances?" "Old-Timey Treasures, Twigs and Twat." "These all sound like songs Joni Mitchell jerks off to." " [laughs]" " It's not me." " I'm cool." " You're hip." "You're fab, you're totally gear." "Yeah." "I don't know, man, why don't you just call it Sophia's Joint." "Change it when you think of something better." "We all know what happened to Skeleton Key when they re-launched Miss Theo Goes Vintage." "We do?" "She lost her eBay rating and then all of her customers." "Oof!" "That sucks." "Well, my Sophia, I would love to stay and help you brainstorm, but I gotta go let Dax buy me dinner, because I'm totally regressive that way." "But before I go, I'm gonna leave you with this." "Ding Dong Monkey Song Vintage." " [scoffs]" " Bye!" "Bye-bye!" "[Blood  Sweat  Tears' "Spinning Wheel" playing]" "Just Vintage." "♪ What goes up must come down ♪" "Minty Vintage." "♪ Spinning wheel got to go 'round... ♪" "Who am I?" "White... bitch." "Party Machine!" "♪ Someone is waiting... ♪" "Ding Dong Monkey Song?" "What is happening right now?" "♪ Someone's waiting just for you ♪" "♪ Spinning wheel ♪" " Oh, hi." " I need a break." " Getting food." "You want in?" " Where are you going?" "Maybe La Taqueria." "Hm." "Yeah, let me think about it." "[man speaking indistinctly on recording]" "What are you listening to?" "That's Lee Iacocca on management strategies." "[Sophia] Mm." "Dax has all of his seminars on CD for school." "So, you just thought that you'd pop one in and chill?" "Mm-hmm." "I find his voice soothing." "Burritos with me or grocery chicken with Iacocca?" "That's the mental calculation in your brain right now?" "Mm!" "It kicks ass, right?" "It's fine." "What?" "Oh, I see." "It's fine until you say "kicks ass."" "I don't know." "I just feel somewhere, the burrito got overrated." "Mm-mm." "Burrito is perfectly rated." "It's cheap, portable, passably nutritious." "What's a total racket is the fajita." "You know, here's all the ingredients of a meal." "We'll heat it up for you, but you're gonna put it together." "And charge you five bucks more for the chance to get a fourth-degree burn from your plate." "No, thank you, fajita." "Go fuck yourself." "Well, I don't know that I'd go that far, but yes, it is a rip-off." "Did you get the chance to sell that dead lady's clothes?" "No." "I can't do anything until I find the perfect name for my store." " That's..." " You." "You are the problem." "Another ignorant man walking around like he owns the place." "Who the hell do you think you are?" " Relax, he's cool." " I don't care what he is." " Let's walk this way." " Hold up, whitey." "You listen to his control words." "You think he's gonna stick by you when the bank repossesses your Miata, and they're taping up your bad checks on the wall at the 7-Eleven?" "Because he won't." "Why's she yelling?" ""She"?" "You got a problem with female power words?" "Fucking hold my ovaries." "You know what I'm saying?" "You come at me like I'm some dumb bitch..." "[Sophia] Shh." " There you go." " Mm." " [Sophia] See?" "That's better." " Mm." "Hope you don't mind my mouth germs." "Oh, no, that's yours." "You earned it." "You're still the problem." "Oh, God." "Isn't this city great?" "I mean, that was awesome." "Hmm..." "I don't know if that was awesome." "I mean, I've only been here a few months, but this city is..." " Careful, this is my home." " It's expensive." " It's dirty." " Dirt don't hurt." "Every time I go anywhere, it's full of tech assholes." " That's not true." " Well..." "No?" " Can you help me?" " [man] Yeah." "I'm looking to invest in some tech space." " For real?" " Yeah." "I work for a startup, and we're looking for seeding money." "Doesn't sound right for me, thanks." " Mm-hmm." " Hmm!" "So, if you hate this place so much, why are you still here?" "I followed a girl here, who is now my ex." "What was her deal?" "Her deal?" "Well, she..." "You just fed her." "Crusty." " Crusty?" " Yeah, with the curly hair." " Oh, you and Crusty were a thing?" " Crusty, yes." "She seems cool." "A little high-strung." "She was never the same after that women's studies class." "You haven't been here long." "God, there's so much to explore." "You just gotta jump on it." "Is this your way of asking me to invest in your startup?" "Because forget what I told that guy, I don't have any money." "Wait." "This is good." "Being stuck in that cramped apartment wasn't giving me what I need." "Yeah, so instead, I'm gonna give it over to the city and let the city provide." "And I will prove to you what I already know." "This place is magic." "This is the Castro." "And that, my friend, is the Castro Theatre." "Super-old and super-cool, and you should see it before you die." "Ta-da!" "Shit." "[Sophia] I know." "Sometimes I like to come here in the summer just to kill a couple hours in the middle of the day." "So, should we grab some seats?" "We don't have time for that nonsense." "Take it in and let's go." "Oh, hey." "Over here." "Oh, I see." "We're in here to have sex, because you're one of those girls who can only orgasm in the face of danger." "I've already been through that with Crusty, and I..." "What are you doing?" "Let's go." "You're not gonna pay for these?" "We bought a ticket and we didn't watch a movie." "We're even." " So, I put the CD in my pants." " [chuckles]" "And I walked up, all stiff, and I'm sweating." "Because again, I had never stolen anything in my life." "The guy at the counter looked at me, probably Sam Goody himself, he was like, "Kid, who do you think you're fooling?"" "And I just booked it." "And when I tell you that I cut the shit out of my scrotum..." "Hey." "It's a psychic." " Where did I lose you, at cut scrotum?" " We should go in there." "Really?" "It's kind of a scam, don't you think?" "It's totally a scam." "Okay, as long as you know." "[Sophia] Yes." "Okay, so, the way this works best is for you to be open to the fact that I have a gift." "And do not look for proof or evidence that I don't." " Mm-hmm." " Mm." "What areas of your life are you looking to focus on today?" "Well, Sophia here wants to know if she should join the Navy." "And I keep telling her, "Girl, you get seasick."" "Oh, dear, you're not funny." " I know why you're here." " Oh, you do?" "Mm-hmm." "Yes." "Oh." "I'm getting a very strong feeling from you." "You're on the precipice." "You're feeling something, and it's..." "It could be big, but you're not sure what it is." "Yes, awesome!" "Okay, is there a specific name?" "Something that describes me or my soul?" "Hopefully, one or two words that could fit into a URL?" "No, he doesn't really work in specifics like that." "It's just more of feeling..." "That's true and I'm also not feeling you right now." "And yes, I am getting..." "Oh, no, it's a feeling of chaos." " [Sophia] Whoa." " Upheaval, even." " Okay, from him or me, or...?" " It's everywhere." " It's all around us." " But is there a specific name?" " Like he said, it's more of a feeling." " Police." "Everybody down." " Shit, hit the deck!" " [Sophia yells] [man] Shit!" "[man 2] Put your hands up!" " Let's get out of here." " But the police said..." "[Sophia] Fuck the police." "Oh, my God." "[laughing]" " Holy crap." " Yeah." "That was crazy." "The place was a front?" " I can't believe we didn't shit ourselves." " Came close." " Wait, you took the wine." " Yeah, I had to." "My DNA was all over it." "All right." "Well, what next?" "You tell me." "Try this." "The best in the city." "Whoa, big bite!" "You know, I thought with that weak chin, it'd be half that." " My chin is 90 degrees." " Mm-hmm." " Architects stop me in the street." " [laughs]" " You're ridiculous." " They do." "You know what's weird?" "I don't know what you do for a living." "That's actually not weird." "You've yet to ask a single question about me." "Touché, okay." " So, what do you do?" " I don't like talking about myself." "Are you being serious?" "I manage bands." "Indie bands mostly, people you've never heard of." "Damn, Shane!" "That sounds cool." "You'd think, but mainly, it's answering a thousand e-mails from neurotic musicians every day who are pissed off they're not The Strokes." " [chuckles] Okay." " Yeah." "So, it's not fun?" "Honestly, it's hard, it's long hours, I'm on the road a lot." "It's kind of the reason my relationship imploded." "Mm." " Crusty don't like indie rock?" " Oh, no." "Crusty love indie rock." "Katie, on the other hand, my actual ex-girlfriend, had a big problem with my job." "Why?" "She wasn't into you being chased around by groupies all the time?" "Actually, yes." "She was very jealous." "Did you give her a reason to be jealous?" "Yeah." " Yeah, mistakes were made." "Yeah, I mean..." " Yeah." "Yeah." "No, that's on me." "That sucks." "I..." "Yeah." "You know, it's none of my business, but it sounds like you... are the reason your relationship imploded." "That's fair." "Yeah." "What about you?" "You ever cheat on anybody?" "No, that's shitty." "That's what bad people do." "Let's get on the trolley without paying." "[Sophia whooping]" " [Shane] Go?" " Yeah." "Wow." "This is the Rice-A-Roni shot." "Come on, city..." "I need you." "What do you think... this is?" "Crazy." "Tough." "Cool." "Mean." "Fun." "Brash, spontaneous." "Beautiful." "[people chattering]" "Oh. [groans]" "Man, and a huge upset." "My San Francisco comes back to defeat your San Francisco." "There is one place I've always wanted to see." "Don't say the Golden Gate Bridge." "The Golden Gate Bridge." " What?" "Too cheesy?" " No." "It's just I don't do bridges." "What do you mean, you don't build them?" "No, wiseass." "I mean, I'm deathly afraid of them." " Really?" " Mm-hmm." "Yeah, I mean, haven't you ever seen footage of a bridge in an earthquake?" " They're the first to go." " Sounds like you're afraid of earthquakes." "No, because you can't fall off an earthquake and land in shark-infested waters." "That's true." "Yeah." "Sophia is not going out like that." "I decide when, where I kick the bucket." "And how's that?" "Oh, I just live 400 more years cryogenically and then someone accidentally unplugs my head freezer and I thaw and die." "That's how my uncle went." "I miss you, Big Bill." "I'll never run in the lab again." "[Sophia laughs]" "All right, so, not the bridge, where are we headed?" "Duh." "Someplace magical." "Behold, the secret gem stashed in the touristy butthole of San Francisco..." "Jolly Jack." "[chuckles] Okay." "[laughing]" "I mean, I love this weird little fucker." "You think he's done laughing and then he just keeps laughing." "[laughing continues]" "This is really weird." " Do it again." " Okay, ready?" "Oh, I'm gonna get you." "I'm gonna get you." "I'm gonna get you." "[laughing]" "That is such bullshit." "[Shane] Mine is not registering any scores." "You gotta hit harder!" " Everyting I've played has been rigged." " Oh!" "[Sophia] I don't like your style." "Oh, no!" "No!" "No!" "[Shane] Happiness comes out." "There we go." "All right." "I'm gonna go for the red one." " [Sophia] Okay." "Come on, come on." " [Shane] Here we go, here we go." " [grunts] Yeah." "Get ready." "Here we go." " [Sophia] Yes!" "Make it happen." " You got it!" "All right, yup, yup." " Wait for it." " Don't get too excited." " Sometimes it falls." " Here we go." "Here we go." "Here we go." " Come on." "Drop, baby, drop." "Yeah, man, that never happens." "Whoo!" " I am victorious." " Yes, you are." " Well done." " [man] That sucks." " No." "You suck, virgin." " You..." "Yeah." " I..." " Wow." "want you to have this." "No." "I couldn't." "The kid's right." "It does suck." " Yeah, it's not great." " Heh." "[grunts] Come on." "Give it to me." "I'll take it." "A little gift." "Holy shit!" "What?" " This is it." " This is what?" " The name of my store." " Keychain?" "No, no." "Rubik's Vintage." "Think about it." "It's colorful and complicated, a total mindfuck to figure out." "It's me." " Oh, thank you, San Francisco." " Yeah." "[both cheering]" "[Shane] Rubik's Vintage." "I'm glad that's it." "You got it." "[both] Yes!" "Now, we can go home." "Okay, cool." "[both] Rubik's Vintage." " [Shane] Rubik's Vintage." " Yeah." "See?" "You like it." " I like it already." " It's good, right?" "Rubik's." "[Shane] You know, I never noticed how many murals this city has." "But it is kind of nice if you pay attention." "Shit." "The name is wrong." "What?" "I like Rubik's Vintage." "It's got a nice throwback feel to it, you know?" "It's..." "It's not special enough." "It has to be special." "It has to be me." " Oh, God." "This whole night was a waste." " What?" "But we had a really fun night tonight." "Don't let this one thing ruin it." " You don't get it." " I guess I don't." "Am I crazy for not wanting our date to end with you all pissed off?" " Shane, this was never a date." " Okay, so, drinking stolen wine, talking about our exes, going to scenic vistas..." " Yeah, not a date." " Oh, okay." "This is our stop." " Come on." " You go." "I can't move." "I can't do anything." "You know what?" "This is bullshit." "You slipped me a date fajita." "Gave me all the ingredients, made me put it together and now you're burning the shit out of me." " I know I'm not making this up." " Dude." "You were definitely feeling some Shane in that creepy museum that you..." "Just come on." "This fucking girl." "[singer performing "Nasty Gal"]" "♪ I'm gonna tell 'em why I'm gonna tell 'em why ♪" "♪ You used to love it ♪" "♪ You used to love it, ooh To ride my broom, honey ♪" "♪ I used to love it ♪" "♪ I used to love to ride the range With ya, baby ♪" "♪ Sing the song ♪ [singer and Sophia] ♪ I ain't nothin' but a, hey hey ♪" "♪ Nothin' but a ♪" "♪ A hey, a hey, a hey ♪" "♪ I said you said I turn you on I turned you inside out ♪" "♪ I even turned your head around now ♪" "♪ You said I love you every way But your way ♪" "♪ And my way was too dirty for you now ♪" "♪ But if I really did him in ♪" "♪ I say why he want this Nasty gal back again?" "♪" "♪ So you can finish what you started off And I will give it to ya you can have it ♪" "♪ Come on, come on, take it now ♪" "♪ I ain't nothin' but a nasty gal now ♪" "♪ You say you want me A hey hey ♪" "♪ A no-good dirty nasty gal now ♪ [applause]" "Another round of applause for Foxxy Roxy." "And this little spitfire singing "Nasty Gal"" "by the great Betty Davis, one badass bitch and the nastiest gal around." "[laughs and shouts]" "[Meritxell's "The Man for Me" playing]" "[exclaims] I have to go." "I have to go right now." "♪ I met a guy last week He's been my hero ♪" "See?" "I was right about this city." "♪ He gives me everything I'll ever need ♪" "You again." "Crusty." "Look, what we had was real, but I've moved on." "And I think you should, too." "What the fuck?" "You pricks come in and you establish your patriarchy in your Elowen boots, and your Sean John jeans, and your stock options." "You don't even think about the fact that this neighborhood belongs to the Latino people!" "You're just here smearing your feces all up and down these historic avenues!" "[Wheatus' "Teenage Dirtbag" playing]" "♪ Her name is Noel... ♪" " [man] Thanks." " Thanks." " [woman] Hi, there." " Have fun today." "Make art." " Oh, yeah." " Thank you." "Hi." "Eh?" "A Beanie Baby." "For your eBay thing." "Thanks." "♪ Who I am And she doesn't give... ♪" "It's perfect." "♪ 'Cause I'm just A teenage dirtbag, baby ♪" "♪ Yeah, I'm just A teenage dirtbag, baby ♪" "♪ Listen to Iron Maiden, baby With me ♪" "♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪" "♪ Her boyfriend's a dick He brings a gun to school ♪" "♪ And he'd simply kick my ass If he knew the truth ♪" "♪ He lives on my block And he drives an IROC ♪" "♪ But he doesn't know who I am ♪" "♪ And he doesn't give a damn about me ♪" "♪ Oh, yeah, dirtbag ♪" "♪ No, she doesn't know What she's missin' ♪" "♪ Oh, yeah, dirtbag ♪" "♪ No, she doesn't know What she's missin' ♪"