"ANNOUNCER:" "For the past few years, Ricky Gvais," "Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington have been meeting regularly for a series of pointless conversations." "This is one of them." "Testing." "Is that all right?" "(DINGS)" "Hello, and welcome to The Ricky Gervais Show, with me, Ricky Gervais," "Stephen Merchant..." "Hello." "And the little round-headed buffoon that is Karl Pilkington." "Hi." "(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)" "Karl, what doesn't annoy you?" "That's the question, really." "I'm not, I'm not, I'm not gonna sit here and..." "Different things annoy me." "But I don't just go about getting annoyed." "Stuff happens, no, no, no." "Stuff happens." "What's annoyed you this week?" "(EXHALING)" "Um," "I mean I tend to get annoyed when people around me get annoyed." "I'm never the one who's going in somewhere getting annoyed." "I'm quite happy-go-lucky, me." "(WHISTLING)" "RICKY:" "You're having a laugh." "I'm not." "No, that's rubbish." "There is nothing about..." "no one would ever say that." "No one..." "STEPHEN:" "How would you describe Karl Pilkington?" "RICKY:" "Oh, he's happy-go-lucky." "(STEPHEN LAUGHING)" "Whenever I see him, he's skipping along, whistling a tune." "I whistle a lot, I've told you." "Yeah, only to annoy people when you're playing Scrabble." "KARL:" "No, I, I just, at the end of the day, I think the problem is, most of the day, I'm on my own." "(SNICKERS) Right." "Right?" "I'm doing DIY at home." "I'm quite happy." "Mmm-hmm." "No one's there annoying me." "Right." "Go for me lunch later than everyone else so I don't have to see people." "He's like Quasimodo." "Isn't he?" "It's like..." "KARL:" "Why?" "RICKY:" "Coming down when everyone else is not there." "STEPHEN:" "When no one's around." "RICKY:" "Yeah." "STEPHEN: "Suzanne!"" "(LAUGHING)" "No, but then that's the problem." "Suzanne then comes home." "She's been sort of with people so she comes in with loads of energy, and I'm going, "Just slow down."" "Stop going on," then she's breaking stuff..." "(PLATES CLATTERING) ...and that's probably the last thing..." "RICKY:" "What do you mean she's breaking stuff?" "She's heavy-handed, heavy-handed with all the stuff I've been fixing." "She broke the shutters." "What else did she break?" "RICKY:" "Well you couldn't have done a good job." "I did do a good job!" "STEPHEN:" "The shutters?" "Where do you live, in the old West?" "RICKY:" "What do you mean, the shutters?" "Some shutters on a window." "She, she, every..." "RICKY: (IN QUASIMODO VOICE) I like it dark." "I don't want them to see me." "What a mong." "So what else has she broken?" "She's always breaking stuff." "The light switch outside." "Heavy-handed." "Don't... and she forces things." "If it doesn't work, it doesn't work." "It don't matter how hard you hit it or how hard you pull it." "Just tell me if it doesn't work, and I'll sort it." "That's what I do these days." "I'm like a caretaker to Suzanne's house." "I'm wandering around replacing stuff that she's fucked up." "(RICKY AND STEPHEN LAUGHING)" "Jesus Christ." "Oh, dear." "So, uh, so she annoys you." "She comes home, you've had a lovely day of peace on your own..." "So the only person that likes you and talks to you annoys you..." "Um..." "And, uh, when you're at home doing your DIY, I'm, I wanna picture that scene..." "Okay, right." "We've never done this before, right?" "But let's do a typical day." "We've known each other now..." "What, how long have we known Karl?" "Nearly ten years." "Feel like a long time, yeah." "Right?" "So, let's do a typical day in the life of Karl Pilkington." "So my first question is, what time does Suzanne have to wake up?" "Does that annoy you?" "Does she have to get up earlier than you?" "'Cause she's got a proper job." "KARL:" "The alarm goes off, uh..." "BOTH:" "What time?" "About 7:00." "(ALARM RINGS)" "STEPHEN:" "That seems early." "Uh, yeah, but I'm used to it now." "Okay." "Uh..." "Now, you spring out of bed, make her a cup of tea, do you?" "No." "Right." "I let her get up, mess about, um..." "RICKY:" "By mess about, you mean get ready for work?" "Yeah." "Right." "She's not being quiet." "(DRAWERS BANGING)" "So I, I'm then..." "I'm awake now." "Right?" "What do you mean, she's not being quiet?" "Well she's just banging about, like I say, heavy-handed." "Every..." "I don't know how she does it." "It's just doors and stuff." "Everything seems like... the Hulk's in the house." "(RICKY AND STEPHEN LAUGHING)" "Bounding about." "Just don't, don't be heavy-handed with it." "When... even like pulling the curtains shut and stuff." "Because it's not her who has to fix it, do you know what I mean?" "When she's yanking at 'em, and pulling 'em open." "It's like just, just pull 'em like that." "I've put 'em on a nice rail, just pull 'em slowly, like that." "Right." "It's things like that." "This sounds like these jobs aren't done correctly." "That's what I'm thinking..." "They are done proper." "No cause if you get like a, you know, if you get a bad pair of jeans, and someone said, "Oh, you've ripped it."" ""A good pair of jeans, they won't rip, boy."" "No, just look after, it doesn't matter if you got good jeans or poor jeans." "Treat them the same." "Look after your stuff." "I've always been like that." "RICKY:" "I know, yeah." "I've told you, from a young age, I didn't like people sitting on me bed after I'd made it." "It was like, I've gone to the trouble, I've made it, there's no creases in it." "Don't sit it on it." "There's a chair there, use the chair." "RICKY: "Sure, okay." Um..." ""That's mental, but yeah, go on."" "It's not mental." "It's not mental." "So Suzanne's smashing about the place..." "So the, the doors, I mean, what's up with the doors?" "Do they squeak, or has the catch been done wrongly on them or, um..." "No, no." "No, no, no." "...Is it the wrong wood or something?" "No, just heavy-handed." "Right, okay." "So then, she has a shower." "Uh, if I have a shower, I like to go second, 'cause I have," "I've got the Mr. Muscle spray that she doesn't do properly." "RICKY:" "Right." "Do you breakfast together?" "Just sit, sit on the bed, have some..." "RICKY:" "Oh, have you made the bed yet?" "Yeah, yeah, it's made." "Well, don't sit on the bed if it's made." "STEPHEN:" "That's madness." "Sit on the chair!" "I've calmed down, I've calmed down." "That's what I've said to her." "As I'm getting older, I'm easing a bit." "RICKY:" "Yeah, you're like Doris Day." "So, sit on the bed, look out the window..." "Why are you having breakfast sat on the bed?" "That doesn't make sense to me." "Either you can have breakfast in bed, classic, or have it at the kitchen table." "'Cause the radio's in there, and it's just kind of..." "So you get up, make breakfast, and go back and sit on the bed 'cause the radio's in there?" "What's going on with the crumbs, Rick?" "I don't know what the crumbs are doing, but I don't know why they haven't got two radios." "Hang on." "You don't know what I'm having." "I'm having Corn Flakes." "No crumbs with Corn Flakes." "RICKY:" "No, but..." "STEPHEN:" "So you have... the two of you are sat there, are you sat on opposite sides of the bed looking at each other, or you're both on the sides of the bed looking at the wall, listening to the radio," "eating a bowl of Corn Flakes?" "Yeah." "RICKY:" "Well you, are you cross-legged on the bed, or your legs are down on the floor?" "Just down on the floor." "Right." "STEPHEN:" "Fully clothed, now, you've had the showers?" "Uh, I might have a t-shirt on, and me undies." "Okay." "I haven't put me socks on yet." "I don't like socks." "I put them on last." "RICKY:" "Why don't you like socks?" "They just cut off your freedom." "(STEPHEN LAUGHING)" "RICKY:" "I don't know how socks can cut off anything." "If it's all right if your feet are cold, they're nice to put on." "But I don't know, my socks are never that well-fitting." "So I don't really enjoy wearing 'em." "But why don't you get socks that fit you?" "Because I never buy socks, do I?" "STEPHEN:" "They should be the same size as your shoes." "Yeah, but I've got other people buying for me, and they're never quite right." "But, hold on, though, this is a rule you've imposed on yourself." "I'm only telling you 'cause you've asked." "I wasn't..." "I didn't come in here moaning about it." "Socks cut off your freedom." "Never heard that before." "RICKY:" "I heard Mandela said it." "STEPHEN:" "Well yeah, never heard socks compared to the Berlin Wall." "Yeah I think, I think William Wallace said it as well." "(GIGGLING)" "Right." "Yeah, imagine that, in Braveheart, just takes his socks off and goes, "Freedom!"" "RICKY:" "Yeah." "Anyway, then I'll say, "Right, on your way to work, take the bin bag out."" "RICKY:" "Right." "She'll do that, and then I get on with whatever I've gotta do that day." "STEPHEN:" "Little kiss on the cheek or the forehead?" "RICKY:" "But why do you say..." "Pat on the head." "(STEPHEN LAUGHING)" "RICKY:" "Who pats who on the head?" "I just sort of rub the back of her head." "There you go, see you later." "Then, then what?" "You're there, you got your pants on, you got your t-shirt on." "You've had your Corn Flakes." "We've listened to the news." "You listen to what's being said on the radio." "We'll have a little discussion about it." "Sometimes she's in the mood for it, sometimes she'll go, "Don't worry about it."" "Right." "Now what, what, to what would she say that to, then?" "What would you worry about if you heard on the news?" "I heard something about worms getting teeth." "(RICKY AND STEPHEN LAUGHING)" "(CHATTERING)" "STEPHEN:" "Right." "And she was kind of going, "You know, you're not meant to worry about this news story." ""There's wars going on and stuff, you never listen to them."" "Do you remember the story of the worms with the teeth?" "Should we be alarmed ourselves?" "What was the information?" "It was just saying how, um..." "It was all about nature versus nurture thing." "Right." "Right." "KARL:" "And saying how worms that are growing up in a family where there's loads of food around..." "RICKY:" "What do you mean, growing up in a family?" "Just a family of worms in the soil." "Right." "They're going through the soil." "If there's loads of food for everyone, they don't have to fight for food." "Right." "They're quite happy." "They don't have teeth." "The ones, like the rougher worms, where there's not enough, it's like a massive family, with kids left, right, and center." "But they haven't got the nutrients to feed 'em all." "They fight against each other, and the ones there, they're growing teeth now." "I didn't hear the news story, so I'm, I'm going out on a limb here." "I don't think it was about a worm being maybe more working-class and chavvy, though, with, like, big families, sort of like where they were a big family, can't even feed them all," "and then you got middle-class worms going, "Well, we've got enough food for everyone"" ""because we haven't, uh, over-bred."" "You know what people are like now they've got researchers watching all sorts of stuff." "Right." "Keeping their eye on everything." "Well, you don't have to worry about it." "A worm with teeth, if they've got teeth or not, to me, is not a problem." "Not a problem at all." "I normally save a worm if I see one in the rain, or on a pavement." "If I see it there, I go, "Someone's gonna stamp on that,"" "and I chuck it and I sort of watch it for a bit." "See which way it was going, give it a helping hand." "See which way it was going." "Like it had an aim." "See which..." "No, they do, no, they do, though, don't they?" "They're always going somewhere." "Yeah." "He was going to the dentist." "You can't, you can't tell." "You don't know which end its head's on." "Okay, so it's five past eight." "Suzanne's gone out." "You've rubbed the back of her head." "She's took the rubbish out." "You're there, pants, t-shirt..." "STEPHEN:" "No socks." "RICKY:" "No socks yet." "What happens to the bowls of, um, ex-Corn Flakes?" "Where do they go?" "I wash up." "You wash up." "That's the next thing you do, is it?" "Right, okay." "STEPHEN:" "Now then, do you plan ahead for the day?" "Do you think to yourself," ""Karl, make a list of stuff to do," or do you just let it go..." "I let it, I let it happen." "I don't like..." "the, the worst thing for me is planning." "Told you before." "RICKY:" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "STEPHEN:" "You don't get anything done by planning is what you said." "I don't, I don't like the idea of waking up, going, "I've gotta do that today,"" "'cause that's when you, you don't look forward to doing the thing." "Whereas I get up, I'm washing up, I'll look at a wall, and I'll go, "Those tiles aren't very good," and I rip 'em off." "So... (LAUGHING) Jesus Christ." "This is amazing." "This is amazing." "I mean, forget Idiot Abroad, forget The Ricky Gervais Show." "Let's just have "24-7 Karl cam"." "Just think of that one." "He gets up, he's..." "Suzanne leaves..." "We get him to, you know, he looks at a wall..." "STEPHEN: (LAUGHING) He starts tearing the tiles off." "(RICKY LAUGHING) It looks like the behavior of a psychopath, doesn't it?" "RICKY:" "Oh, so..." "This is what worries me, though." "The fact that you're always doing DIY suggests that you didn't do a good job in the first place." "Steve, am I right?" "No, I'm never..." "I am..." "I never, ever do the same thing twice." "Once it's done, it's done." "I do it right, I take me time." "I get it done right." "RICKY:" "So this is other people's workmanship that you're undoing, doing properly." "Definitely." "Okay, right." "Now the radio's in the bedroom, so you can't listen to the radio when you're doing your work." "I normally drag it through." "You drag it through." "How big is it?" "It's just a little clock-radio thing." "RICKY:" "So it's plugged in." "It's in." "Okay." "Then, uh..." "So if it wasn't for, uh, meeting up with me and Steve, and Suzanne being home between, I don't know, six o'clock at night and eight the next morning, you wouldn't talk to anyone, would you?" "Do you have any friends that you might talk to?" "(PHONE RINGING) Yeah, I talk to some people on the phone." "But then I soon get bored with that." "Right." "KARL:" "About five minutes in, I realize I'm not listening any more." "So what were you talking about that you got bored about?" "I can't remember 'cause I got bored with it." "RICKY:" "Yeah, yeah." "And he was talking, and I kinda thought," "I hope he doesn't say "What do you think of that?" in a minute, because I wasn't listening." "(DIAL TONE DRONING) RICKY:" "Right." "So what's the point of having the conversation?" "I don't know." "But hold on, I call you up, it's the, presumably the first phone call you get." "It's the first phone call I make." "Sometimes, sometimes." "I call you up and I go..." "What's going on, boy?" "Right?" "Yeah, but most of the time I don't tell you, 'cauue you'll go..." ""Right, what are you doing, doing DIY?" "Pay someone to do it."" "And we have to have all that, every day, the same chat." "(GIGGLING)" "If I'm not doing DIY, I wouldn't be doing anything, and then I get grumpy." "Suzanne comes home, she goes, "What have you done today?"" "And I go, "Nothing."" "And I get fed up then 'cause..." "Because I've done..." "I work harder for your career than you do." "I'm always doing stuff to try and get you to do stuff." "I'm always trying to get you shows and things." "And I'm always trying to get you to get out there and do something towards it." "I don't wanna do it." "I've done it now." "Yeah." "I've done it." "Yeah." "We did the program." "It goes out on the telly." "Job done." "If people wanna watch it, they watch it." "There's no point me cropping up on Loose Women, asking people to tune in to me program." "They either wanna watch it, or they don't." "If they're watching Loose Women, I don't want 'em watching my program." "(RICKY AND STEPHEN LAUGHING)" "There's a lot of crap on the telly, and that's why, in a way, people go," ""Oh, it's amazing, isn't it, that you're on the telly?"" "No, not really. 'Cause it's loads of garbage on there." "Anyone can get on it." "Yeah." "Well that's true." "It's not special any more." "That's true." "It used to be special in the '80s when it was like three channels, four channels." "Now, it's a doddle." "But that's why you should make special TV." "You should relish that." "No, because they want some, some sort of..." ""flumpf" telly, don't they?" "(RICKY LAUGHING)" "They don't have to think about..." "Yeah, I like..." "Do you mean, do you mean the program, The Flumps?" "(LAUGHING)" "He didn't say "Flump," he said "Flumph."" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Um, now this is... now how are you spelling flumph?" "It's F-L-U-M-P-H." "F!" "P-H, flumph!" "P-H, flumph." "P-F." "P-F?" "P-F?" "Oh, flumpf?" "Okay." ""Flumpf" telly." "Yeah, "flumpf."" ""Flumpf" telly." "RICKY:" "So, so think of it this way, so... (SNICKERING)" "So what would be an example of "flumpf" telly?" "What's "flumpf" telly?" "No, I don't wanna go slagging stuff off." "But I'm just saying I watch..." "Who would feature in "flumpf" telly?" "Who would be a typical person?" "Who, who's typical?" "Is it those, is it awful, those awful, um, docu-soaps, where people live their life like an open wound, saying." ""Look, me fanny fell off"?" "And then..." "I haven't seen that." "But yeah, all that, all that sort of stuff." "I do... honestly, the amount of telly I watch now, compared to a few years ago, it's non-existent." "Suzanne comes home at night, I might watch a Grand Designs to get some tips off it." "Other than that..." "RICKY:" "So that's work." "You count that as work, don't you?" "STEPHEN:" "Research, at least." "Well it's..." "at least you learn something." "So, then we'll just sit and have a game of crib." "(LAUGHING)" "You'd have been happy in the Blitz, wouldn't you?" "You'd have been happy down in one of those subway stations..." "RICKY: "Oh, Suzanne?"" ""What, what?"" ""Chimney's gone."" ""Oh, no, what was that?"" ""Doodlebug." "I better get up there."" ""Oh, leave it, will you?" "It's not..."" "(GARBLING WORDS)" ""Bloody heavy-handed, them Germans." "They're bloody heavy-handed."" "But let's go back a bit here." "So you've done a bit of tiling." "Good job, pleased, you're halfway through, spot of lunch, around three-ish..." "Yeah." "What do you do?" "Do you pop out for lunch in a caf?" "Uh, depends, sometimes Suzanne, as I pat her on the head, she sometimes says," ""There's some ham in the fridge."" "I'll go, "All right," um..." "I love it!" "Like it's a little choreograph!" ""If I, uh, I better pat her on the head, or else I don't eat today."" "Oh, uh, Karl thinks, like Pavlovian conditioning," ""Last time I patted her on the head, she told me about some food in the fridge."" "(STEPHEN LAUGHING)" ""Bye love, take the rubbish out." "Ham in the fridge."" ""Cheers."" "Brilliant, yeah, okay." "So, I'll eat that." "Uh..." "Now, just, just, I... the radio's on the whole time?" "Is there...'cause I wanna, I wanna picture this." "You're not working in silence?" "Radio's on the whole time." "That little squeaky radio that's sort of halfway in the doorway... (RADIO PLAYING) of the bedroom and the lounge, whatever." "You've got the radio on." "What station do you listen to?" "You listen to music?" "You listen to speech?" "Sometimes I listen to sort of speech stuff." "Right." "Sometimes I listen to music." "What would be speech?" "Like a, kind of one of those phone-in programs or..." "Uh, phone-ins do me head in a bit." "Right." "I like, uh, you know, reports on stuff." "Uh..." "So you like to be informed as you go?" "Um, yeah, just so it gives me something to talk about." "'Cause if you're not with anyone all day, your brain's not doing anything is it?" "Whereas me listening to them, it's like having someone in the room... (INDISTINCT) ...telling you stuff without you having to chat back." "RICKY: "Perfect."" "I prefer that." "I'm a bigger listener than I am a talker." "STEPHEN:" "Yep." "Whereas these days, a lot of people are talking but they're not listening." "RICKY: "Perfect." KARL:" "So..." "Although you're not listening to actual humans, like your friends when they call you up." "No, 'cause they're just mithering." "Um, do you make sure that you get everything done and dusted before Suzanne comes home so she comes home to a spotless place?" "Yeah." "STEPHEN:" "And you..." "so she comes in, do you instantly show her the work you've done, or do you just let her know it's..." "Sometimes I just leave it, and see how long it takes for her to go," ""Oh, you've done that."" "Okay." "RICKY:" "And, uh, if she doesn't notice it, are you annoyed, or are you excited to tell her?" "Sometimes I forget." "(LAUGHING)" "He does it again the next day." "What... yeah, "That tiling looks a bit shoddy."" "(LAUGHING)" ""I should do that."" "Wow." "Sometimes you forget." "Um, and so is it, it's not the equivalent of when a lady comes in the room and says," ""Oh, you haven't noticed me, me new hairdo."" "Is it sort of the equivalent for you, she hasn't noticed, you don't get frustrated?" "No, you do notice her new hairdos, don't you, cause you say you don't like 'em." "So what does she say about your tiling?" "Uh, no, most of the stuff I do, she goes," ""That's good."" "But sometimes she'll go, "Why don't we just get someone in to do it?"" "But before or after?" "Well it depends what it is." "If it's something that, that's big and has been bothering her but it's not bothering me," "I'm saying I'll sort it out." "But what if it's not something that's big that bothers her and not you?" "Don't worry about it." "She's saying "Get someone in." Well no, I won't get someone in, because, see the thing is, she got someone in once, when the oven blew up." "(RICKY SNICKERS)" "Right?" "I said, "Leave it, I'll sort it." "I'll look at it."" ""No, you don't know what you're doing." "Get someone in."" ""No, let me have a look." "No, get someone in."" "She calls someone up, they come round." "The old 80-pound-call-out charge business, straight away." "They pull it out, they go, "It was the fuse and the plug."" "Now I could have sorted that out, but she didn't give me a chance." "So now, it's good now, because I've got that on the old back burner." "So every time she says, "Let's call someone out," I'll go, "Oven."" "(LAUGHING)" "KARL:" "So I'm glad, in a way, that she did." "So now, she just leaves it." "She doesn't interfere." "RICKY: "Karl, Karl, Karl, I've got terrible pains!"" ""Oven."" "(STEPHEN LAUGHING)" "I normally speak to me mum and dad at some point every day." "Really?" "Do you?" "Every day you speak to your mom and dad?" "Yeah." "Could you take us through a typical conversation with your dad?" "He calls up..." "Um..." "What does he say?" "What does he say?" "He says "I've just been out." "Got your mum some medicine."" "RICKY:" "What, every time he calls he's been out..." "I'm just telling you the last call." "Oh, I see, sorry, right." "Um, "What's the weather like?"" "And then me mum might get on, and, uh..." "RICKY:" "Okay, what's she got to say?" "STEPHEN:" "I look forward to this." "She just tells me about..." "she, like, what was it the other day?" "She said, "Oh, have you seen them tablets that are food?"" "(RICKY LAUGHING)" "She's so like you!" "She's just like you!" "Oh, God!" "What is she, a fucking astronaut?" "(DISTORTED) "Have you seen them tablets what are food?"" "Oh, God!" "Go on, what are the tablets that are like food?" "Uh, no that's what it is." "It's like spaceman food." "They've come out, and we were just chatting about them." "She said, "Oh..."" "What do you mean, they've come out?" "Really?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, 'cause we live in a busy world and everything, where people haven't got time to have a proper lunch." "So, you have a call, a scintillating phone conversation like this every day with your parents." "Yeah." "And does she always try to find a piece of new information she thinks might interest you..." "That's sweet, though." "That's sweet that he talks to his parents every day." "So you've spoken to your mom and dad, you've changed the tiles..." "Suzanne comes in..." "Kitchen's all clean ready for her to make the tea." "STEPHEN:" "Ready for her to make the tea, even though you've been..." "I know you've been tiling but that was a sort of, that was a job you gave yourself." "You didn't have to do it." "No, but I don't do cooking." "She knows that." "This, this isn't even a discussion." "RICKY:" "Right." "She knows." "What are you having tonight?" "Uh, scampi." "So she'll do all that." "I'll eat it..." "And... sorry, do me just one for a second." ""I'll eat it." He's listing it in his day's work." ""I'll eat it."" "I'll say, "I've eaten that." She goes, "Thank you." You go, "Oven."" "Okay, let's act it out, okay?" "You've just cleaned up, right?" "The last bit there, you look back, "Them tiles look good."" "You look at the clock..." "KARL:" "Right." "Uh, vac-ing up, cleaning up all the mess." "Uh..." "Home phone's going." "Who's that?" "Suzanne." "All right, yeah." "Coming home." "All right, then." "See you in a bit." "She'll go, I'll, uh, I'll, I'll put the kettle on, or at least fill it, ready." "'Cause she normally calls again." "And, uh..." "RICKY:" "What do you mean, she calls again?" "(PHONE RINGING) She calls again when she's out the tube." "Let's do it, let's hear it, what's going on?" "All right." "You're at the tube, yeah." "Do you want a cup of tea?" "Yeah." "All right, see you in a minute." "Sometimes I'll say, "Oh, get us a little treat when you come out of the tube."" "Um, so she'll get me, you know, a Bounty or something to go with the cup of tea." "Do you specify, though, when you say "Get me a treat," she says "Well, what?"" "Sometimes you have a Mars bar, sometimes you have a Bounty." "No that's, that's enough for me." "When she comes in, it's a talking topic, isn't it?" "What have you got me?" "Topic?" "She's someone who gives you a topic." "You know, it's, it's, it's something to chat about, isn't it?" "Right, okay." "Something to chat about!" "So, has there ever been a time..." "sorry, I've just gotta get this straight, Steve." "Sorry, Rick, I just wanted to say... could..." "Imagine you and I having a conversation about what chocolate bar you've brought me." "What'd you get me, Rick?" "Uh, I've got you a Bounty." "Is that all right?" "Thanks, mate." "That's as long as that conversation can possibly go." "You're talking about it as a talking point." "Yeah, so what happens?" "So, what's the last time there was a discussion about what she bought you?" "Did she ever bring you a Bounty, and you go, "Oh, I was really hoping for a Mars bar"?" "Um, I think the last time she got a Bounty, I sort of said," "Oh, they do a three-pack now." "You know how they just have two bars, they do a three one." "RICKY:" "Well, what did she say?" "She said, "Do they?" "Do they have..."" "STEPHEN:" "She said, "I want out of this relationship."" "(RICKY LAUGHING) No, but that's how..." "She comes through, take her coat off, I'll go "Oh."" "She'll go, "What, are we having scampi still, or have you gone off the idea?"" "And then I'll go," "Oh, you know, we should get them tablets me mum's been talking about." "She goes "What tablets?" I go, "They're food."" "So, see how it's all coming together?" "RICKY:" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "So it's like that and that's, that's..." "What does she say to the idea of now living on tablets instead of having some scampi and chips when she comes home after a hard day's work?" "What does she say to that?" "She just goes, "Oh, right."" "She says "Oh, right"?" "Yeah." "So, this important information which you're imparting, that you've garnered during the day, her response to that is "Oh, right"?" "Yeah." "And then I'll just, I'll get her attention at some point." "I'll say, "There's worms with teeth."" "(RICKY LAUGHING)" ""I'll get her attention at some point!"" "I'll say..." "I'm gonna bring out the big guns now." "Right, right, she's ignoring me." "Okay, wait for this." ""Suzanne, I see, you're ignoring me." "Yeah."" ""Worms with teeth."" "Oh, God!" "Amazing." "So what does she say to worms have teeth?" "Uh, I can't remember." "She just sort of said, "Have you got the facts right?"" "I said "Yeah."" "That's, that's kind of it." "And she'll either go, "Oh right," Or she'll, uh..." "I mean, it's pretty rare that it's anything more than that." "(RICKY AND STEPHEN LAUGHING)" "So it's not a conversation really." "It's...'cause the response twice now has been," ""Oh, right."" "What happens next?" "Take us through." "I'll sort of say, "Anything to report?" "Anything going on today?"" "And she knows it's, it's..." "I sort of phase off again." "It's like a phone call." "She'll go, "Oh, so-and-so's leaving," or whatever, and I don't know these people." "And I'm not that interested." "RICKY:" "And she senses that?" "Yeah." "Yep." "Um..." "So she'll go, "Have you paid the insurance?"" "I'll go, "I forgot."" "She'll go, "I told you to do that." I says, "Yeah but I've been doing the tiling."" "She's going, "Yeah, but you weren't meant to do the tiling now."" "She'd set the insurance out on the washer." "'Cause the washer keeps breaking." "Um, and she won't let me fix it, even though I know what it was." "It was the heating element." "Oven!" "I know how to fix that." "Uh, then have a game of crib." "(LAUGHING)" "Oh God!" "Oh, God." "It's like being in an old people's home." "RICKY:" "I know!" "STEPHEN:" "And, um, you've had a lovely game of crib with Suzanne, 'cause, you know, the magic's still there." "And, uh, what time do you hit the sack?" "(EXHALING)" "Don't know, about 11:00?" "Do you go to bed at the same time?" "Yeah." "So that's it, yeah, that's the day..." "Well hang on, we haven't finished yet." "So, any conversation before bed?" "Uh, depends if the radio is on." "I might say, "Look here's that story about the worm."" "Yeah." "And then she'll go, "Yeah, but look, it hasn't got teeth."" ""It's head's this, that, and the other ," and I'll go "Oh, yeah, I forgot."" "RICKY:" "Good night." "KARL:" "That's the end of that." "STEPHEN:" "Another day closer to death." "(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)"