"(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "(theme song ending)" "Oh, boy, how can two people manage to use so many dishes?" "Oh, boy, how can two people manage to use so many dishes?" "What'll we do tonight, Ricky?" "Nothing." "What do you mean, nothing?" "Let's call the Mertzes and play some cards." "I don't feel like seeing the Mertzes and I don't want to play cards." "What do you call what you're doing here?" "Tiddledywinks." "Play your black tiddledy on your red wink." "Look, this game is supposed to be played by one person, hence the name Solitaire." ""Hence thee name Solee-taire."" "You don't want to see the Mertzes, you don't want to play cards." "I'll get you a gun, you can shoot yourself." "Thank you." "What's the matter tonight, honey?" "Oh, I'm sorry, dear." "I guess I'm just discouraged about my career." "Your career?" "Why?" "Well, I don't seem to be getting anyplace." "I'm not exciting anymore." "You are to me." "I mean I'm not news." "Can't get my name in the paper." "Nobody's talking about me." "Oh, they are, too." "I hear people talking about you all the time all over the place." "Yeah, name one." "Well just the other morning the milkman asked me how your cold was." "That's what I mean." "The milkman wants to know how my cold is." "Big deal." "Well, what about your publicity agent?" "That's a good question." "I should give that 50 bucks a week to someone who can get my name in the paper." "50 bucks a week." "Gee, would you give that job to anybody who's..." "who's bright and energetic and has wonderful ideas about publicity?" "Who?" "Well, would you?" "Well, who is it?" "If I don't get your name in the paper, it won't cost you a cent." "Oh, no." "Oh, no, no, no, please, please don't!" "Now, no, Lucy, don't..." "look, look." "Just forget the whole thing, will you, please?" "Now, just put publicity out of your mind altogether." "Oh, come, now." "Oh, my goodness." "What a horrible thought." "It isn't that bad." "Look, you want to help me really?" " Sure." " All right." "Just forget publicity altogether." "All right." "Don't even tell people that you know me." " All right!" " All right." "Okay." " All right." " All right already." "Good morning, Lucy." "Hi." "What are you doing?" "Figuring out the value of my jewelry." "Insurance?" "No, publicity." "Rick's worried because he hasn't been getting enough publicity, so I'm going to help him." "You know how those Hollywood stars get their name in the paper when their jewels are stolen." "Hey, that's a wonderful idea." " Yeah." " I can see the headline now." "So can I." ""Ricky Ricardo's wife robbed of priceless jewels valued at..."" "43 dollars." "Some headline." "Yeah." "Hey, how about letting Ricky win a title like Miss America?" "He doesn't have the right measurements." "Oh, that's not what I meant." "No, we need something like this." "Look." ""The Shah of Persia has a standing order for all of Benny Goodman's records."" "Well, you can do exactly the same thing." "How?" "Have Ricky order all of Benny Goodman's records." "Oh, Ethel!" "This item is good only because it concerns royalty from a faraway country." "That's what makes it exciting." "Oh." "If we just knew a countess or a princess who couldn't live without "Babalu."" "You don't know any royalty, do you?" "My aunt was Queen-for-a-Day once." "Well, we'll just have to dream someone up." "Let's see now." "We'll tell the papers that an exotic princess is coming from a faraway country, traveling halfway around the world just to hear Ricky Ricardo in person." "Hey, that's sensational!" "Yeah, now, what country will she be from?" "Well, it can't be too well-known." "No." "I know" " Franistan." "Yeah..." "Franistan?" "I never heard of it." "Neither did I." "Princess Scheherazade, daughter of the Maharajah of Franistan." "Oh, if she was the daughter of a maharajah, they wouldn't call her a princess." "What would they call her?" "A maharani." "Oh, no, Ethel, that's a maharajah's wife." "Oh." "I guess she'd be a "maharincess."" ""Maharincess."" " Yeah." "Scheherazade, Maharincess of Franistan." "Gee, that's wonderful." "Yeah." "Too bad she can't really come to town." "Yeah." "Of course, that's impossible." "Yeah?" "Lucy!" "Just call me Scheherazade." "You wouldn't dare!" "I would, too." "Will you help me?" "I'm yours to command, my maharincess." "(cackles)" "The papers will eat this up." "Come on, we got a lot of work to do." "Now, you look up the phone numbers" "of all the newspapers in town." " All right." "I got the number of the Post here." "And we have to make a reservation at a fancy hotel." "How about staying at the Waldorf?" "Swell." "Hello." "Hello, City Editor, please." "This is the overseas operator." "Hello, Editor?" "We have an overseas call from Franistan." "It's a Maharani-to-person call." "Go ahead, Franistan." "(heavily accented):" "Hello, hello, hello?" "Hello, this is the Maharani of Franistan." "Please do not print in paper about my daughter, Scheherazade." "The Maharincess, she come to America." "Yes, she come to America and Maharajah very mad she come to America just to see famous singer in person." "He is famous band leader." "Ricky Ricardo." "Ricky Ricardo!" "(normally):" "Ricky Ricardo!" "R-I-c-k-y R... (nasally):" "Yeah, that's right, Ricky Ricardo." "Yes." "Now, promise... promise you print nothing in paper, and you do not try to contact her at Waldorf Astoria Hotel." "Waldorf Astoria Hotel!" "Yeah, good-bye." "Good-bye." "(laughing):" "How'd I sound?" "Great." "Give me the next number." "Well, do you know when he'll be in?" "All right, look, as soon as he gets there, would you please tell him to call me?" "This is Ricky Ricardo." "I'm down at the club." "All right, good-bye." "Hi, Rick." "Hiya, Fred." "Did you see the paper?" "Yeah, I saw the paper." "Congratulations, old boy." "Look at the size of this type." ""Franistan royalty makes pilgrimage to see Cuban idol."" "I know, I know." ""Maharajah's daughter claims Ricky Ricardo is real gone."" "I've read it, Fred, I read it." "Yeah, yeah, well, I'd... kind of think you'd be a little bit more excited." "Not every band leader can make a maharincess flip her beanie." "No... you don't mean to tell me you really believe that story, do you?" "Well, it's in all the papers." "Are you out of your head or something?" "A member of royalty in some ridiculous place called Crafistan-- or whatever the name of the joint is-- she gets ahold of one of my records, so she travels halfway around the world just to hear me sing." "Well, that's the phoniest story" "I've ever heard in my life." "Then where did it come from?" "My press agent, where else?" "I told that character I wanted some publicity, but this is ridiculous." "I'll be laughed right out of the business." "Well, now that I think it over, it does sound pretty silly." "Of course it's silly." "Only an idiot will believe a story like that." "(phone rings)" "Hello." "Kenny." "Now, look, what is the matter with you, Kenny?" "Are you trying to get me kicked out of show business?" "You know what I'm talking about-- the story in the paper, the story." "Look, that is the most ridiculous, the most stupid, the silliest, phoniest..." "What?" "You didn't?" "Now, wait a minute, Clem." "You're not kidding me, are you?" "Well, I'm going to call the Waldorf right away and find out." "You did call the Waldorf." "And the Maharincess of Franistan registered there this morning?" "Holy cow." "Huh." "How about that?" "Okay." "Talk to you later, kid." "I guess it's true." "Somebody around here just said only an idiot would fall for a story like that." "Now, wait a minute, Fred." "Now, let's look at it this way." "Here's this-this poor girl sitting in her castle in faraway Franistan, she gets ahold of one of my records, she finds my voice irresistible, and she falls madly in love." "There's nothing far-fetched about that." "Maybe I ought to go out and come in again." "Gee, I wonder if she speaks English." "You know what they speak in Franistan?" "I don't know." "Where is it?" "Where is it?" "Yeah." "Oh, Fred, don't you know anything?" "No." "Where is it?" "Franistan?" "Yeah." "Well, it's right between Czechoslovakia and..." "Below the border of Austria." "Well, you know, it's stuck right in between Switzerland and Persia-- right in there someplace." "Oh, there!" "Yeah, there" " Franistan." "That's where it is, right there." "How about that?" "Gee, I wonder what you do when you're introduced to royalty." "How about this, Fred" "Your Highness, I am delighted to meet you." "(as woman):" "Oh, Mr. Ricardo, you send me!" "(as woman):" "Oh, Mr. Ricardo, you send me!" "Now, you're sure that Her Highness said she'd be here at 3:00?" "Yes, her lady-in-waiting called me right after they checked into the Waldorf, and she said she'd be here at 3:00." "Hey, Ricky..." "Hey, Ricky... hold it." "Thanks." "Are you going to put on a whole show just for her?" "Yes, yes, it's a command performance, you know." "We're going to do everything." "Hey, Rick, I just called the house again." "Lucy and Ethel must be out shopping." "Oh, gee, that's too bad they have to miss it." " Yeah." " Uh, fellows... now, please don't forget how we rehearsed her entrance now." " All right." " All right'?" "We tuned up?" "Okay." "Cigarette?" "Yeah, please, thank you." "I guess you must be pretty nervous at meeting royalty like this, huh?" "Mm?" "Nervous?" "No." "Why should I be nervous about meeting royalty?" "I don't have to be..." "Hey, Rick, look." "Here they come." "All right, fellows, up, everybody up." "(high voice):" "The Maharincess of Franistan." "(Playing fanfare)" "Your Highness." "Welcome to the Tropicana." "(spritzing perfume)" "Your Highness." "Your Highness... did you have a nice trip over?" "(high-voiced):" "Yes." "Uh... are you... are you enjoying your stay in America?" "Yes." "Would Her Highness answer a few questions for the press?" " Yes." " Good." "Your highness, is it true that Ricky... (Ethel gasps)" "Uh-uh-uh." "Oh." "Your Highness, is it true that Ricky Ricardo is your favorite vocalist?" "Yes." "Do you like any other American performers?" "No." "Now, let me see if I have this straight-- you've never seen Ricky Ricardo in person, you first heard his records two years ago and you fell in love with his voice and decided to come to America to see him." "Your father didn't approve, but you came anyway and you can hardly wait to hear him sing." "Is that right?" "Yes, no, yes, yes, yes, no and yes." "I see." "Now, about the political situation in Franistan-- do you..." "Please!" "No more questions." "The Maharincess want you to sing." "Oh, well..." "I'm deeply honored." "(playing ballad intro)" "♪ When we are dancing ♪" "♪ And you're dangerously near me ♪" "♪ I get ideas... ♪" "(shrieks)" "Hold it, hold it." "What's wrong, please?" "You sing, she swoons." "Please go on." "Well, well, if my singing makes her faint, maybe I'd better not." "Please, I like it." "(piano plays)" "♪ When we are dancing ♪" "♪ And you're dangerously near me ♪" "♪ I get ideas, I get ideas ♪" "♪ I want to hold you ♪" "♪ So much closer than I dare to... ♪" "(squeals)" "♪ I want to scold you ♪" "♪ But I care more than I fear to ♪" "♪ And when you touch me ♪" "♪ I perspire in every finger... ♪" "(screams)" "♪ I get ideas, I get ideas ♪" "♪ And after we have kissed good night and still you linger I" "♪ I kind of think you get ideas, too. ♪" "(wails)" "♪ Though your eyes are always saying ♪" "♪ The things you're never saying ♪" "♪ I only hope they're saying ♪" "♪ That you could love me, too. ♪" "(band stops)" "♪ For that's the whole idea, it's true ♪" "♪ The lovely idea ♪" "♪ That I've fallen in love ♪" "♪ With... ♪" "♪ You. ♪" "Oh." "Encore, encore." " Encore." " Thank you." "Really, would you like some more?" "Really." "Oh, I see, uh..." "Uh, Your Highness, I understand that... your favorite number of ours is... "Babalu."" "Oh! "Babalu"..." ""Babalu"!" "(drums start playing)" "(Ricky drums loudly)" "(band starts)" "♪ Babalu ♪" "♪ Babalu... ♪" "Well, Lucy, we'd better get out of here." "We've got to check out of this hotel and get home in time for dinner." "Oh, but I'm so tired after that performance at the club all afternoon." "It was worth it." "Think all the publicity Ricky's going to get." "Yeah, but why did he have to sing so many songs?" "25 numbers and every other one was "Babalu."" "If I'd had to faint one more time, I'd have fainted." "Well, let's get out of here." "Okay." "(knock at door)" "Listen, if that's another reporter, don't let him in." "Yes?" " Where is Her Highness?" " Hey, wait a minute." " Where is Her Highness?" " What do you want here?" "I want to..." "Your Highness, you are in terrible danger." "Things are not going good in Franistan." "Franistan?" "Oh, wait a minute, now, who are you?" "Chief of Franistanian Secret Police, Amjan Xanadu." "Well, I'm Lucy Ricardo." "You do not have to conceal your identity from me." "You bear the mark that is borne only by women of royal Franistan family-- red and black hair." "Look, this is just a wig, see?" "Please believe me, you are in great danger." "The revolutionists are after you." " Hey, he's serious." " Good heavens, Ethel." "Do you really think there is such a place as Franistan?" "Hurry." "We have no time to lose!" "(knocking)" "Too late, they are here!" "Lucy, what do you mean?" "!" "Who's here?" "Huh?" "(Ethel screams)" "There she is." "Tom Tom, get him!" "Ooh, what's the matter?" "No!" "No!" "(Xanadu cries out)" "Farewell, Your Highness." "Please tell Maharajah I have died for my country." "(women gasp)" "No... no... no!" "(screams)" "We want royal secret." "Look, fellows, you got me all wrong, I..." "You have red and black hair of Franistan royalty." "What is secret?" "All right, I'll give you the secret." "It's every two weeks, a cup of henna to a gallon of water." "I'm not a maharincess, I'm a henna-rinse-ess." "She will talk when the Tiger gets here." "The Tiger?" "He knows all methods of oriental torture." "Water dripping on head." "Death by a thousand cuts." "Oh!" "Ow!" "The lingering death of the whips." "The Tiger knows them all." "ETHEL:" "Well, so long, Lucy." "Ethel, Ethel, where are you going?" "(Ethel shrieking)" "(pounding at door)" "The Tiger!" "MAN:" "The Tiger, the Tiger." "MEN:" "Hail, Tiger." " Hail, Tiger." " Hail, Tiger." "Hail, Tiger." "Hail, Tiger!" "Hail, Tiger." "Hail, Tiger!" "Hail, Tiger." "Hail, Tiger!" "Hail, Tiger." "(screaming)" "Ricky!" "Hi, Ethel." "Fred Mertz!" "(laughing)" "Mr. Foster and..." "Joe!" "Joe!" "What is this?" "!" "Well, "what is this?" You're asking me, eh?" "When I found out that you were the Maharincess of Franistan," "I decided to scare the life out of you so you wouldn't try a fool thing like that again." "Oh, well, how did you find out?" "How did I find out?" "Who else but you would listen to me sing 25 songs and ask for more?" "Well, I don't think it was very funny." "You ought to be ashamed of yourselves." "You scared us half to death." "Oh, Ethel, were you scared?" "I knew it was Ricky and Fred all the time." "It didn't bother m... (moans)" "(moans)" "(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "ANNOUNCER"." "The part of the reporter was played by Peter Leeds." "The photographer was played by Bennett Green." "The two assassins were played by Dick Reeves and Gil Herman." "I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production."