"guys." "Good morning." "everybody?" "Jason?" "dudes." "What's up?" "What are you doing here?" "What do you mean?" "We're just going to school." "I thought you said you didn't need school." "You said you had a startup company and school is for douchebags." "The startup company thing didn't really work out." "But you told us all to go fuck ourselves." "you guys." "What we said was..." "You said you were going to make $10 million and the rest of us can go fuck ourselves." "We were trying to be funny." "No one's laughing." "You're back?" "The startup company thing didn't work out." "I'm shocked." "Do you still want to see that stupid Maze Runner movie?" "You broke up with me." "You said you had to be free to chase your dreams." "I thought my life was going in a different direction." "I felt I had to give everything I had." "I had to focus on one thing. because you were about to be "dripping in bitches"?" "Why does everyone suddenly remember everything everybody says?" "I'm happy." "I know who you really are now." "You're someone who can't be counted on." "You can just bail on the people you love." "People are pissed off at us." "Fucking crazy." "Doesn't anyone understand the significance of "I'm sorry" anymore?" "Well said!" "Good point." "What happened to the significance?" "Let's just be thankful we're not Butters." "They won't even let him come back to school." "Thanks for coming. who set fire to school gymnasium and is now asking to come back." "– All set to start?" "– We're waiting on Mr. Mackey." "– Again." "– Do we need Mackey here?" "All he'll talk about is how he's gluten-free now and he feels so fucking amazing." "– He does look a little better." "– He doesn't look any different to me." "– Doesn't he have fuller cheeks?" "– It's just the new diet fad." "Sorry I'm late." "because you all will be having donuts." "so I can't have donuts." "We're all aware that you are gluten-free now." "I'm just saying that I personally feel so fucking amazing." "please? and ran away laughing and flipping everyone off." "God!" "irritability and nearly all behavioral problems." "I seriously cannot take hearing about gluten anymore." "That's probably the gluten talking." "you don't ever get pissed off." "Really?" "I might just have to give it a try." "How does it work?" "God!" "Here we go!" "150)}{\*SO LONG SUKKASS} 230)}{\*IM OUT!" "PEACE!" "}" "I don't know what to do." "and people still won't talk to us." "I know!" "That's fucking gay!" "You know what we gotta do?" "We gotta throw a big fucking party." "– A party?" "– How do you make everyone like you?" "and everyone thinks you're cool!" "That would have to be the best party ever." "I'm down." "We can throw the sweetest party ever." "These assholes won't remember us being dicks to them." "That might work." "But it can't be a party for us." "It's gotta be an awesome party for... who needs us and that we refuse to bail on." "– What?" "– He's right." "so that people have to go." "We lure people in with a cause and hit them with the best party ever." "We'll have pizza and cake and a sweet band." "didn't you say your dad knows somebody who knows Lorde?" "He said some guy at work is Lorde's uncle or something." "– We've got Lorde to play live!" "– This will be awesome!" "who do we throw the party for?" "– What do you mean?" "We have a friend who needs us right now." "We can't let him down." "That was Get the Party Started." "And joining me in the studio now are four local boys who are gearing up to throw the most epic party ever." "boys?" "It'll be this weekend." "We wanted to give back to the community and show everyone a good time." "Scott Malkinson." "but it mostly affects Scott Malkinson." "we can't turn our back on him." "Scott." "I actually have plans this weekend." "I actually have plans this weekend." "I'm Scott Malkinson." "I've got diabetes." "what's your question?" "Are you guys making this up? and Lorde is going to play live." "dude." "this better be good." "It's sure to be a blast." "Phone lines are going crazy!" "Sweet!" "what's your question?" "Will there be gluten-free options for people at this party?" "Excuse me?" "and I have to say I feel so amazing." "I just want to make sure there's food for all of us." "you had a comment?" "– I agree with the last caller." "and a guy right next to me was eating a sandwich." "Get your secondhand gluten away from me!"" "you got a question for the boys." "I'm gonna piss in their face." "What the hell is gluten?" "everyone." "My name is John Garner." "I'm a nutrition adviser from the USDA." "I want to clarify the USDA's position on a healthy diet. it can make your dick fly off... – But let's set the record straight." "– Make your dick fly off? but that's a bunch of hooey. that we now believe is the main culprit of obesity." "There's fat in butter." But that's poppycock. which we now realize is good for you along with hooey." "not the bad hooey." "So what is gluten?" "Yes!" "Thank you!" "gluten is the protein found in flour when you take all the starch away." "Flour is of course just wheat." "you get dough. and all the hooey-free foods that humans enjoy. and what we're left with is pure gluten." "just harmless flour protein." "Then eat it." "Excuse me?" "eat that pure concentrated gluten." "All right." "You see that?" "His dick's flying off." "my God!" "These people don't even know!" "Hurry!" "You gotta go!" "it isn't safe in there!" "– Get out of there!" "– You're not safe!" "You gotta go!" "What about powerbars?" "– Hamburger helper?" "– That's all gluten!" "There's hot dog buns in that cupboard!" "I need to talk you about this party we're having." "Randy!" "I might need those!" "Stan!" "Don't forget the freezer!" "flour!" "What about ice cream?" "I don't know." "Look at the ingredients!" "ice cream's good for you." "– That's all of it!" "– You sure?" "– You got those?" "– I can get both of these." "{\*FATASS}" "Cartman." "– Kyle!" "It's all gone!" "They've taken it all!" "Why are they doing this?" "Kyle!" "pizza and cake and we're not gonna have a party!" "Who took all the pizza and cake?" "What the hell?" "Get it!" "Get it all!" "you bastard!" "What are you doing?" "My farm!" "Son of a bitch!" "Did you not know or did you not care?" "{\*USDA STRATEGIC COMMAND CENTER} and you don't have any kind of containment on this thing?" "sir." "Are you sure it's gluten that started the reaction?" "We gave these rats an injection of concentrated whole-wheat bread." "You can see it already is having a negative effect." "We told people that whole-wheat bread was healthy." "Isn't wheat the ingredient in pasta that makes it healthy?" "We believe now that that's poppycock." "listen up!" "We have the obligation to make this thing right and tell people what is and isn't safe to eat." "We are the USDA!" "people would be eating dirt and... chairs." "stop this crisis." "dude." "You have to get up." "What's the point?" "Everyone hates us at school and our party's gonna suck." "We can't let our party suck." "What kind of epic party can you have without pizza and cake?" "– Now all we've got is Lorde." "– That's right." "We've still got Lorde." "Stan?" "I'll be back." "You know what I'm gonna miss most?" "Pancakes." "I keep having dreams of Aunt Jemima." "She's trying to tell me something." "But then she just fades away." "We can't do this alone." "You have to get up." "you guys." "The world is upside down." "Things aren't gonna get better." "They're gonna get worse." "There's a possible gluten exposure in your home." "not here!" "sure!" "What's going on?" "Jesus." "Dad!" "Shut up!" "Beer's bad for you?" "sir." "I'm OK!" "– You want to see my dick?" "– We need you to be in quarantine until we figure out what's going on." "Not Papa John's!" "I don't wanna go to Papa John's!" "You can't make me go to Papa John's!" "{\*GLUTEN QUARANTINE CENTER}" "How long do I have to stay here?" "sir." "– What am I supposed to eat?" "– It's OK." "There's lots of toppings." "Just eat the toppings." "How'd you get exposed?" "Bagels?" "Gravy?" "Beer." "– I didn't know it had gluten." "– There's always something." "For me it was the soy sauce." "sneaky soy sauce. but it seems impossible to contain." "And we have no idea how to tell people to protect themselves? look." "This is what we've been recommending for the past three years." "not four." "We were wrong about that." "We now realize the largest of these groups we've been recommending is basically poison." "we're trying every possible combination no answers." "shit." "Tom Vilsack?" "FDA." "but this is a USDA problem." "Anything involving meat and dairy is our problem too." "Dad?" "How's my boy?" "Daddy's gonna be all right." "You know that guy at work you said is Lorde's uncle or something? but I'm right with you." "You remember you said that Lorde's uncle worked with you?" "How is your mom?" "Your sister?" "kid." "You're gonna have to go." "Not yet!" "Dad!" "you bastard!" "– I'm sorry!" "All right?" "who's the guy at work that knows Lorde?" "Let me go!" "Dad!" "Let me talk to my dad!" "You call this a party?" "– Your party sucks!" "– Let's go!" "No food at a party?" "And I thought I was handicapped!" "What's wrong with you?" "– Where's the food?" "– I hate your party!" "– Where's the food?" "– What a loser!" "Eric." "sugar." "Aunt Jemima." "There's people in trouble." "They need to be shown the way." "Aunt Jemima." "child." "They lookin' for a sign." "I don't even know what that means." "look to the pyramids." "Are you going to eat those pancakes?" "child." "The world is upside down." "Trippy!" "Tell 'em they gots it backwards." "They got what backwards?" "– Loser!" "– This party sucks!" "I want pancakes." "You can't just keep us in here!" "We're all out of toppings." "There's nothing left to eat." "– They're gonna let us starve to death?" "– They don't care about us." "Face it." "We're already dead to them." "then..." "I guess I might as well eat." "– There's nothing left!" "– There's plenty of pizza dough." "– Are you crazy?" "– I'm crazy hungry!" "it's so good!" "I want more!" "It's been so long!" "you..." "But... you're OK." "You don't think it's a little ridiculous that wheat protein is toxic?" "This whole thing was a set-up!" "A set-up?" "But by who?" "We have to get a hold of someone who can get the word out." "Maybe Papa John can help us." "maybe we can... and it's spreading faster than anyone realizes." "thought it'd only affect the poor." "People who ate Eggo waffles and Pizza Pockets." "But gluten can attack anyone." "This is not a time to party." "This is a time to get serious." "We're calling on everyone to learn about gluten and how to protect yourself and your family." "Because we don't know how much time we have." "indeed." "caller." "I knew you guys were gonna bail on the party." "We're not bailing on the party." "There are more important things." "could you?" "Let's go to Jamie in Como." "Go ahead." "It's like... then you rip it away!" "It's like telling everyone to go fuck themselves!" "you're on the air." "Stan?" "or because you just wanted to be a big shot?" "We wanted to bring people together and help Scott Malkinson... you cancel on him?" "I'm pretty sure Scott Malkinson still has diabetes." "I do." "You couldn't put on the party you were hoping to put on." "Jesus Christ." "– There is a health crisis..." "– Right." "you don't forget about everything you promised people!" "We had not idea what to serve to eat!" "We were gonna look stupid!" "Thought so." "Eric?" "What does USDA stand for?" "Aunt Jemima said USDA has to look at the pyramids!" "It's dinnertime on the East Coast in less than an hour." "People will die!" "We've got a boy on the hotline." "He says he might know something." "– Who is this?" "– My name isn't important." "What matters is that the answer is in the pyramid." "The pyramid?" "That's ancient stuff." "Are you sure?" "Bring up the pyramid!" "What is it for?" "We built it a long time ago." "It illustrates how much we should eat of the four basic food groups." "We abandoned the pyramid when Michele Obama got involved." "The pyramid doesn't work." "We've already tried it." "It's upside down." "The pyramid is upside down!" "Turn the pyramid upside down." "You can't be serious." "That would put fat at the top of the..." "Flip the damn food pyramid!" "This is not FDA approved!" "It's dinnertime on the East Coast in ten minutes." "Do it!" "We've got a match." "Nutrition is stabilizing." "We've got a well-balanced vaccine!" "Get the President on the phone." "Tell him... to have some steak with his butter." "I gotta admit." "You guys throw a pretty sweet party." "We'd do anything for our bros." "Would you guys care for a frozen butter pop?" "We're good." "Stop bugging us." "We really dodged the bullet." "America knows what to eat again." "I'm glad people aren't mad at you anymore." "I know what that feels like." "We'll get a better view of the stage." "Enjoy the party." "Wait till my girls see I was at a party with Lorde!" "I'm glad the food is good." "Lorde sucks." "She isn't as hot in person." "I'm am Lorde" "Call me Lorde" "You're having fun?" "sure." "You guys really pulled it off." "I couldn't sit around while my dad was locked away." "and he needed me." "– You're so transparent." "– What does that mean?" "You wanna dance?" "We love the city" "'Cause I am Lorde" "I am Lorde"