"I can't believe nobody's thought of this." " Hey, Dad." " Hey." "What's all that, Son?" "Well, I had to clear some space out of my locker because Danielle is moving in with me." "The girlfriend's moving in." "Wow." "Okay, but why buy the locker when you're getting the combination for free?" "Well, she was always over there anyway, and we were spending a lot of time going back and forth between hers and mine, so, you know, it just made sense." "I'm proud of you, Son." "You know what?" "I'm gonna take you to the go-cart ranch for one last hurrah." "How did your old locker-mate, Kenny, take it?" "Not so good, but it's made him take a look at his own life." "You know, I think he's finally gonna take that hall monitor job." "Oh, my gosh." "Louise, that is awesome." "Yeah, she's got a few more finishing touches before the open house tonight." "What are you talking about?" "It already looks exactly like Tracy Morgan." "It's Maya Angelou." "She's a poet and one of the most amazing women of the 20th century." "I don't wanna disagree with you, sweetheart, but I was reading Swimsuit Magazine." "They listed the 50 most amazing women." "She wasn't mentioned." "Gary, it might not be the best time for that kind of teasing." " Louise had a tough day." " Sweetheart, what happened?" "Why did you have a tough day?" "What happened?" "Miss St. James happened." "Miss St. James is a temporary teacher's assistant in Louise's art class, and, apparently, she's been drawing a lot of attention from the boys." "Why?" "She has arthritis?" "She's a juggler?" "She has enormous beach balls." "Gotcha." "It's like every guy's IQ drops 50 points when she walks in a room." "When do guys stop acting so stupid, Mom?" "When they close the lid on the coffin." "Wow." "Look, Louise, not all men are shallow and just into looks." "I mean, look at me." "I married your mom." "I didn't know if she was gonna grow into that forehead." "My forehead?" "When you wear a Halloween mask, you look through the mouth hole." "Even my best friend Scotty, who's smarter than me, can't take his eyes off of her." "When she walks in a room, his lazy eye corrects itself." "All right." "Hey, how hot is this teacher?" "I'm sorry." "Were you not just sitting here when you told your daughter that all men are not obsessed with looks?" "How hot is this teacher?" "Unbelievably hot." "It's like looking at the fricking sun." "Okay, Gary, you're just..." "You have to behave yourself tonight, okay, 'cause Louise is gonna be watching you." " Of course, yeah." " And Gary, make sure to get all of your giggles out of the way now because Louise's math teacher is still named Mr. Balzack, okay?" "Here, let me." "Your jacket" " is caught on the..." "There." " Yeah." "Oh, my, Angelou." "Oh, Maya Angelou." " You must be Louise's dad." " Yeah, how'd you know that?" "Well, she's the only one who chose Maya Angelou for our Great American Women project." "We have five papier-mâché Britneys and one plaster of Paris Hilton." " I'm Gary Brooks." " Erica St. James." "Louise always talks about you." "Louise has been talking about you, too." "She's darling." "She gets that from me." "I'm a quarter darling, and I'm part Labrador retriever, also." "So, if you have any tennis balls floating in your swimming pool," "I'm your man." "Will you bring it back, or will I have to chase you around the yard?" "Who doesn't like to be chased?" "Why don't you go ahead and sign in and grab a packet of reading materials for you and your wife." "Oh, no, that's my ex-wife." "Ex." "She got that title from me when I divorced her and got her completely out of my life." "And here she is." "Okay." "Excuse me." " Hey, guys." " Hi." "I see you met her." "Yeah, I did." "I gotta tell you, not impressed." "Come on, Gary." "She's very pretty." "I guess so." "I mean, if..." "I..." "I just don't see it." "She's more symmetrical than..." "Than pretty." "I'm so glad you just said that, Dad, because I can't wait for you to meet Miss Plummer." "She's the real art teacher." "She's smart and well-read, and I want to be just like her when I grow up." "Yeah, well, you know what?" "I want a smart and well-read woman standing in front of me, and I mean right now, young lady." " Go get Miss Plummer." " Okay, Dad." "Wow." "Laying it on a little thick, aren't we?" "What?" "Just showing my daughter that I'm not shallow." "But you are shallow, Gary." "You know, that would hurt my feelings if it wasn't coming from such a mediocre-Iooking person." " Mom." " Hello, Allison." " Hi, Joan." " Hi." "I'm Joan Plummer." "Hi, I'm Gary Brooks." "Well, we are so happy to have Louise in class." "It's nice to have a young person so concerned about the environment." "Well, that's our Louise." "She actually switched us from paper plates to eco-friendly bamboo." "Bamboo, that is amazing." "We were going through 200 plates a week." "It just made sense." "Hi." "Sorry, I wasn't sure if you were still there." "Come on, Gary." "Gary, we have to go to the rest of Louise's classes, okay?" "Okay." "Hey, it's great to meet you, Miss Plummer." "Okay, I mean, Louise wants to be you when she grows up." "I've known you five seconds, I wanna be you when I grow up." "Well, thank you." "Thanks." "And thanks for coming and I'll see you at the gym, Allison." " Bye, Louise." " Bye, Miss Plummer." " Didn't you just love her, Dad?" " She was awesome, yeah." "She's so much cooler than Miss St. James." "Way cooler." "That's probably why she dresses in so many layers and wears, like, granny scarves." "All right, you guys go ahead." " I'll catch up, okay?" " All right." "Come on, honey." " Dad, come here." "Check out my locker." " All right." "Wow." "Oh, boy." "Wow, Danielle has really girled it up in there, hasn't she?" "You know, Kenny used to fart in the locker and then shut the door real quick when he saw me coming." "This is way better." "Son, I don't see any of your stuff in this locker." "I'm sorry." "No, no, no, look." "It's in here." " Come on." "It's right there." " No, that's..." " That's not yours." " Down at the bottom." "Right..." " I don't see it." "Where?" "All the way..." " You gotta get in..." "In the back." " I don't see it." " In the back." "Ow!" "Okay, wait, this baseball card?" " Yeah, yeah." " Okay, wow!" "That's my cave." " Oh, my God." " Here." "That perfume is murder, Tommy." " Yeah, I guess I don't notice it anymore." " Thank you." "All right, so..." "I'm meeting Danielle at Jim and Ellen's locker, so I'll see you." "Wait, did I blow out the candle?" "Yeah, I did." "Mr. Brooks, I'm glad I caught you." "Did you want a classroom phone directory?" " Yes, I would." "Thank you." " That's my number right there." "Hey, I have the same area code." "You know, I thought we had a lot in common, but now it's getting kind of scary, you know?" " Well, don't be scared, but do call." " Listen, I can't call you." "You're my daughter's teacher." "It's not right." "I'm just a temp." "I'm gonna be gone in three weeks." "I'll call you tomorrow." "Miss St. James, hi." "I can't believe I'm actually calling to ask you out." "This is crazy." "But, you know, I'm a taxpayer, you're a teacher, you kind of work for me." "Right?" "If we're going out on a date, you should call me Erica." "Okay, but on the date can I call you Miss St. James?" "It's kind of hot." "I gotta be honest with you, the open house was great and the art class was the best part of the whole night." "I have to go and I'll talk to you later." "Bye." "Was that Miss Plummer?" " Well..." " I knew it." "You like her, don't you?" "Miss Plummer?" "Yeah." "Of course, I do." "She's great." " Did you ask her out?" " Well, you know, I don't..." "That'd be weird for you, wouldn't it?" " I mean, she's your teacher, so..." " No!" "I love Miss Plummer." " Sure." " Dad, you're single." "You gotta get out there and, you know, mix it up." " I don't..." "I don't..." " Call her back!" "I don't think she'd go out with me, Louise." " Call her!" " I don't think it's a good..." " Call her." "Okay?" " Okay." "All right." " Yeah." " Let me get her number out of here." "No, why don't you just hit redial?" "You were just talking to her." "My fingers are kind of fat." "I wanna work them out." "I got a closet full of gloves, they don't even fit me anymore." "Joan Plummer." "Hello?" "Miss Plummer?" "It's Gary Brooks again." "Hi, Gary." "What do you mean, again?" "I know." "Hey..." "Hey, it's probably against your policy to consider going out with the parent of a student, right?" "So..." "Are you asking me out?" "I'm sorry, I should have known that the school would frown on that kind of thing." "No, no." "Actually, we're free to date whomever we want, and it just so happens I'm available on Friday." "I bet you are." "Available on Friday, huh?" "Tell her..." "Tell her yes, yes, yes!" " Yeah, yes." "Tell her yes!" " Yes." " Yeah, we should do something Friday." " Yes, yes." "And I'll call you later." "We'll just shore up some plans, okay?" "Bye, Miss Plummer." "Thank you, Dad." "You've renewed my faith in men." "What did he do, wear pants to go get the mail?" "Dad's going out with Miss Plummer this Friday night." "Really?" "You asked out Miss Plummer?" "Yeah, I sure did." "I mean..." "But, I mean, can you blame me?" "Who wouldn't wanna spend time with such an attractive public servant?" " What are you going to wear, Dad?" " What am I gonna wear?" "Louise, shouldn't I just, you know, concentrate on being me?" "You're right." "I mean, look at me." "Even I get caught up in it sometimes." "What the hell are you doing?" "Setting a good example for our daughter." "What, are you kidding me?" "What?" "What?" "You asked out Louise's teacher?" "Yeah, why?" "What's the big deal?" "There's nothing wrong with that." "My God, Gary, you don't ask out your kids' teachers." "Everybody knows that." "There's too many things that can go wrong." "And knowing you, they all will." "Wow, I never even thought of that, but it wasn't even my idea." "It was Louise's idea." "So, wait a minute, she made you call Miss Plummer?" "Yes, because she heard me making a date with Miss St. James." "I'm sorry." " You asked out Miss St. James, too?" " I was trying to slip that one by you." "Oh, man." "Gary!" "Are you out of your mind?" "What, are you trying to sleep with all of Louise's teachers?" "Look, I'm gonna sleep with whoever I have to to prove to my daughter I'm not shallow," " okay?" " Oh, God." "Gary." "Look, you have gotta cancel that date." "I know." "I just don't wanna hurt her feelings." "Well, I am sure Miss St. James will get over it." " You mean Miss Plummer." " No, I mean Miss St. James." "No, no, Miss Plummer." "Miss St. James is the hot one." "Yes, I know." "You have to call and cancel the date." "I'm totally confused." "We have to start" " this conversation over again." " What?" "Fine." "I will start." "You have to cancel the date with Miss St. James." "How do you lose me after one sentence?" "Miss St. James is the hot one." "Why would I cancel the date with her?" "Because, Gary, Miss Plummer is Louise's favorite teacher and you already asked her out, so you have to go through with it." "But just be clear that she knows you're just taking her out as a friend, all right?" "All right, where do you take a friend?" "I don't know." "Just some place that isn't romantic." "Okay, let's think for a second." "Come on, let's think of places that aren't romantic." "The mortuary, lawyer's office..." "According to you," " the circus isn't romantic." " Okay, you know what?" "That was, like, the worst Valentine's Day ever." "Oh, hey, I know." "Miss Plummer belongs to my gym." "Just take her there." "Make it like a workout date." " Hey, that's a good idea." " Right?" "And it's a gym, so it's not romantic." " She won't get the wrong idea." " Right." "And there's no booze there, so I won't, you know, get the wrong idea." " Thank you." " Gary, do not mess this up." "But, Danielle, I wish you would have told me you invited Brian and Tara to our locker." "No, no, no, they're your friends." "Are you done?" "Are you done?" "He should've gotten that locker pre-nup." "Hey." "Hey, is she here yet?" "No, but you are." "What are you doing here?" "I'm working out with my trainer today." "No, you're here to spy on me, aren't you?" "Okay, a little bit of that, too." "And you better handle things delicately with Miss Plummer." "All right, don't worry about it, I'm..." "It's gonna be quick and easy." "Besides, I gotta get out of here." " I got another date in two hours." " What?" "You didn't cancel your date with Miss St. James?" "Is that where we landed?" "'Cause that's not what I took" " from our conversation." " My God, Gary, I can't believe you." "I have to go out with Miss St. James." "It's my one shot at the bigs." "Oh, my God, you are so shallow." "I mean, the lengths you will go to to put yourself in the presence of a perfect specimen." " Hello, Allison." " Oh, hello, Diego." "Are you prepared to work your core today?" "Yes, Diego." "Lie down on the mats and start focusing your attention." "Yes, I will." "How you doing?" "If you train with me, you could have this." "Why?" "When I have this." "Hey, Gary." "Hi, Miss Plummer." "Whoa, hi, Miss Plummer." "My gosh, you don't look anything at all like Miss Plummer the art teacher." " Was that a compliment?" " A poor one." "I'm sorry." "Let me start over." "Miss Plummer, you look fantastic." "Well, that's sweet." "And thanks for asking me out." "Of course, are you kidding me?" "I thought we really hit it off in the art class, you know." "I hope I didn't come on too strong in there." "No, you're just a really effusive person." "Yeah." "When you say effusive, you mean..." "I don't know what that means." "Well, maybe I'll give you a vocabulary lesson later." "Well, maybe after the vocabulary lesson, we can..." "You're not..." "Not really, right?" " You're just..." "It's a suggestive..." " No, that's..." "Yeah, suggestive." "Okay, good, 'cause a real vocabulary lesson..." "Boring." " Yeah." " All right." "All right." "Well, what do you wanna do?" "Fridays, usually I just like to work neck." "Well..." "Hey, do you wanna spar?" "I promise I won't hurt you." "I don't know." "I never hit a girl before except for my cousin Gwen, but that's 'cause she dragged me to a Scott Baio concert." "Well, it'll be fun." "Do you know anything about boxing?" "I wear boxers." "I got my refrigerator from a box, so I'm as qualified as anybody else, right?" "Let's get going." " Are you okay?" " Yeah, I'm fine." "Okay." "All right." "All right." "This is..." "Oh, hey." "Wow." "Okay." "Wow, wait a minute." "You're pretty good." "Thanks." "I was Golden Gloves champion in my weight class." "I didn't know Golden Gloves had a division for girls." "Yeah." "They don't." "I'm sorry." "Sorry, I'm just excited, I guess." " Okay." " Hey, Gary." "Gary." "Hi." " Hey, Allison." " Hey, Joan." "Hi." " Excuse me." " Okay." " What's up?" " She knows." " What?" " Yeah." "Yeah, she knows." "Louise just called." "She heard Miss St. James on the answering machine leave a message canceling the date because she found out about Miss Plummer." "Wait, does Miss Plummer know about my date with Miss St. James?" "The whole teachers' lounge knows." "Well, then why would Miss Plummer agree to come here on a date?" "Gary!" "Ding!" "Oh, boy." "All right, stay close." "Okay?" "All right." "You know, I forgot to tell you, before you got here I did a whole bunch of cardio, so maybe we should just do some stretching." "You're stretched kind of thin already, don't you think?" " Okay, okay, stop it." "I can explain." " Explain what?" "Why you asked out two teachers from the same classroom?" "Or why you're taking one out for a workout and the other one to a five-star restaurant?" "Just give me a second, please." "Why don't you take two?" "You look like you need it." "Hey, don't get cocky." "I'm sorry." "Gary, Gary, you're getting killed out there." " What am I supposed to do?" " I don't know." "Just be honest with her." "Come clean, and for God's sakes, try to throw a punch." "I'm trying to throw a punch, but she's not where I'm punching!" "Let's go, Gary." "Don't you have another date you need to get to?" " Don't let go." " Okay, I'm so sorry about this." "Okay, Miss Plummer?" "All right, look, hear me out." " I admit, I'm a very shallow person." " You think?" "I judged you by the way you look at work, I admit it." "Here's the thing." "You can knock me out if it's gonna make you feel any better, but when I wake up and I start chewing solid foods," "I'm gonna ask you out again 'cause I think you're fantastic." " Gary, that's really sweet." " Thanks." "Call me." "All right." "Just wasn't your night, champ." "Come on." "Here we go." "I smell biscuits." "I'm so sorry about all this." "I honestly thought I was just more evolved, but the truth is I guess I'm just attracted to beauty." "A lot of people are." "So, if that makes me shallow, then so be it." "She really clobbered you, didn't she?" "I can't hear anything you're saying." "You have to talk more into my good ear." "Did you block any of her punches?" "Yeah, I was blocking a lot of her punches until my right eye closed up and then I lost my depth perception." "I bet she's feeling some pain today, huh?" "Actually, I saw her." "She looked great." "Really?" "There's no marks on her?" "Her fist isn't swollen from me beating it with my face?" "Thanks for taking me out on a date, Dad." " This is kind of neat." " Kind of neat?" "Let me tell you something, sweetheart." "This is super neat, and I'm having a great time, okay?" "And listen, guys do dumb things around beautiful girls, and you should get used to it because guys are gonna start doing really dumb things around you." " Dad." " It's true, sweetheart." "I gotta tell you, okay?" "You're beautiful." "I know." "Scotty's totally trying to get on my good side." "Yesterday, his lazy eye went straight on me." "Look, here's the thing." "I could have taken Miss Plummer." "You know me, I can fight." "It's just she's a defenseless girl." "It would've just looked terrible." "Oh, God." " Hey, Dad." " Hey, Son, what happened?" "Danielle threw me out." "What do you mean she threw you out?" "That was your locker." "No, we got in a fight, and then she threw all my stuff out in the hallway and changed the lock." "And all because she found my social studies book in Mary Ellen Muzikowski's locker." " What was it doing there?" " I don't know." "She just wanted to look at it before the test." "Doesn't Mary Ellen Muzikowski..." "Doesn't she have her own social studies book?" "Okay, okay, I was over there the other day after school and I put my book in Mary Ellen's locker." "All right?" "Big deal." "If this was Europe, it wouldn't even be an issue." "Here's the thing, Tom." "Women, they really like to know that they're the only one in your life." "You know?" "So, what are you gonna do?" "You gonna move in now with Mary Ellen?" "No, I'm gonna crash at Kenny's for a while." "You know, the moment I opened the locker, some fake dog poop fell out on me and I laughed like I haven't laughed in a long time." "Do you know what?" "I think I needed it."