"(thunder rumbling)" "(screaming)" "ARCHER:" "Goddamnit ,Ray." "Are you drunk?" "RAY:" "No,dumbass,are you ?" "ARCHER:" "No." "LANA:" "Althoughnotfor lack of trying." "ARCHER:" "Exactly,that'smy whole point." "(retching)" "CYRIL:" "Oh,howcan you drink rum with all this turbulence?" "ARCHER:" "Oh,my God!" "That's my whole point!" "MALORY:" "Enoughalready!" "My God, are you people paid by the word?" "It's bad enough I'm packed into this flying boxcar with you... (gasping) ...without all this incessant bickering." "It's like I'm stuck on a school bus with the worst driver on the planet!" "(Ray muttering)" "What was that?" "ARCHER:" "Itis kindoflike a school bus." "LANA:" "Whenhaveyou everbeen  on a bus?" "ARCHER:" "No,fromthe movies." "We've got the whole Breakfast" "Club in here." "I'm Emilio Estevez." "Cyril's obviously Anthony" "Michael Nerd." "Mother, you're Paul Gleason." "Krieger's the loose cannon," "Judd Nelson, and Lana, you're... um..." "LANA:" "Wait,seriously?" "Molly Ringwald." "ALL:" "Eh..." "LANA:" "Oh,my God." "MALORY:" "Whatthehellareyou talking about?" "Lana, come on, if any of you" "ISIS women is Molly Ringwald..." "CYRIL:" "It'sobviously" "Cherlene." "KRIEGER:" "Totally." "LANA:" "What?" "ARCHER:" "Yes,she'sthe rich one, she's a redhead..." "LANA:" "So,what,you thinkI'm" "Ally Sheedy?" "MALORY:" "Areyouall just saying random words?" "CYRIL:" "AllySheedywould've been way more likely to get pregnant in high school." "KRIEGER:" "Hadtherebeena sequel." "ARCHER:" "Godforbid." "KRIEGER:" "Right?" "CYRIL:" "Andas forwho 'sthe  hot one..." "LANA:" "Wait,what,ofus?" "I'm the hot one!" "ALL:" "Eh..." "LANA:" "Oh,my God." "CHERLENE:" "Oh,getover yourself!" "(muttering)" "PAM:" "Shh!" "Willyou shutup?" "CHERLENE:" "Oh,please." "She knows we're in here." "PAM:" "Shewillifyou don't shut up." "MALORY( sighs):" "Pam,Iknow you're in there." "PAM:" "No,we 'renot." "But if we are, which I don't admit to, which Breakfast" "Clubber am I?" "ARCHER:" "Hmm,Iguessthe janitor everybody thinks is gross but turns out to be cool." "PAM:" "Aw." "CHERLENE( laughs):" "I love that you take that as a compliment." "(farts)" "PAM:" "So,canwegetoutof  the crate now?" "MALORY:" "No,butasitseems  we've arrived at a pause in the idiocy, let's recap the plan for when we land in San Marcos." "LANA:" "Yeah,becauseI'm  curious how we tell Calderón we turned six million dollars' worth of cocaine into one million dollars' worth of weapons." "MALORY:" "That'stheCIA 's problem." "Calderón doesn't care." "It's all gravy to him." "ARCHER:" "Yeah,Lana." "I was actually wondering that myself." "MALORY:" "Allthatmattersis that Calderón pays us for this shipment." "Then we use the profits to buy more weapons, which we sell to him to make more profits to buy more weapons." "Blah, blah, blah." "CYRIL( scoffs):" "Lana,for" "God's sakes, it's Econ 101." "MALORY:" "Cyril,don'tbe shitty." "ARCHER:" "Yeah,Cyril!" "AIRTRAFFICCONTROLLER:" "Tower to unidentified aircraft, you are now entering restricted San" "Marcos airspace." "Identify yourself." "RAY:" "Uh,guys?" "ARCHER:" "JusttellthemSlater sent us." "LANA:" "Youthinkthat'sagood idea, flying into a war zone, telling them we're with the CIA?" "ARCHER:" "IfSlaterevenwas" "CIA." "MALORY:" "Now,he 'stheone who  teabagged you?" "(Pam growls suggestively)" "ARCHER( scoffs):" "Beanbagged." "MALORY:" "Oh,whichever." "ARCHER:" "It'safairly important distinction." "LANA:" "Sorry,canIbe a nag for a second?" "ARCHER:" "Oh,my God,Lana," "I've had only, like, eight drinks." "LANA:" "Okay,notthat, but wait, really?" "ARCHER:" "Yeah,I'vetotally cut back, and not that it's any of your beeswax, but I've also cut back on... you know." "MALORY:" "Onwhat?" "Sterling, with you, that could almost literally be anything." "ARCHER:" "Anonymoussex,ifyou must know." "MALORY:" "Ew!" "AIRTRAFFICCONTROLLER:" "Beechcraft, please identify." "RAY:" "Guys?" "LANA:" "Really?" "ARCHER:" "I 'vetotally, relatively cleaned up my act." "So maybe keep that in mind when you're choosing godparents." "(Lana laughs)" "LANA:" "I will,Archer." "I really will." "AIRTRAFFICCONTROLLER:" "Beechcraft, identify." "RAY:" "Guys!" "ARCHER:" "Goddamnit ,tellhim" "Slater sent us." "LANA:" "Wait,wait,wait,wait ." "RAY:" "Tower,thisis" "Beechcraft." "LANA:" "Ray!" "RAY:" "Uh,Slatersentus?" "(groans)" "AIRTRAFFICCONTROLLER:" "Beechcraft, you are clear for landing." "LANA:" "Thankyoufor hearing my concerns." "ARCHER:" "Jesus,willyou  relax?" "(gulping)" "(belches)" "(groans)" "(sighs) What's the worst that could happen?" "(tires squealing)" "TROOPS:" "Geton theground!" "(indistinct shouting)" "ARCHER:" "Don'tshoot!" "Don't shoot!" "(shouting continues)" "LANA:" "Wayto go ,Gilligan." "(gunshot)" "CALDERÓN:" "Silencio!" "Who is in charge here?" "COMANDANTE:" "SeñorPresidente," "I..." "CALDERÓN:" "Notyou,you  baboon-faced baboon." "I am obviously talking to these gringos, and also, if I am here, then you are obviously not in charge." "COMANDANTE:" "I ... (gunshots)" "(gun clicking)" "(gunshot)" "CALDERÓN:" "Andto repeat, who is in charge here?" "ARCHER:" "Thatwouldbe..." "CALDERÓN:" "Becausetheyare to blame for this shipment of weapons being late." "ARCHER:" "Her,thatolderwoman down there with the more or less permanent scowl." "MALORY:" "SeñorPresidente,it is such an honor to meet you." "I'm Malory Archer." "CALDERÓN:" "Wow." "MALORY( chuckles):" "Well, thank you." "Anyhoo, hello?" "CALDERÓN:" "So,thestoriesare true." "KRIEGER:" "Whatstories?" "I... no, not what, huh?" "Damn it, man, I was sleepwalking." "CALDERÓN:" "Eh?" "(muttering in agreement)" "KRIEGER:" "Hey,what's going on?" "CYRIL( sighs):" "Maybeyou're their god." "(gasps)" "CALDERÓN:" "Okay,allbut him , arrest." "(indistinct talking)" "MALORY:" "Withoutevenchecking the merchandise?" "(snapping)" "(groaning)" "Although not that particular merchandise." "(Pam and Cherlene shouting)" "(guns clicking)" "(speaking Spanish)" "(shouting)" "(gunshots)" "CHERLENE:" "Goddamnit !" "Who the hell drilled my box?" "!" "ARCHER:" "So,we 'rejustdone with phrasing, right?" "That's not a thing anymore?" "(gasps)" "I know, right?" "CALDERÓN:" "Cherlene." "CHERLENE:" "What?" "!" "ALL:" "Wait,what?" "!" "ARCHER:" "Yeah, seriously, what?" "CALDERÓN:" OutlawCountry,"" ""Hoochie Coochie Coochie Man,"" ""Travis County Limitado."" "I am..." "I am your biggest fan." "Please, we go to the presidential palace?" "PAM:" "I 'mfine,too, by the way." "ARCHER:" "Oh,great." "LANA:" "That'sgood." "CALDERÓN:" "Please,come,come." "Come, come, come, come, come." "ARCHER:" "So,phrasing'sjust dead then?" "LANA:" "Whatis your...?" "Wait, are you drunk?" "ARCHER( scoffs):" "Please." "Off 12 drinks?" "CALDERÓN:" "VivaCherlene!" "Viva Cherlene!" "TROOPS( chanting):" "Cherlene!" "Cherlene!" "LANA:" "Waitaminute,yousaid eight drinks!" "(chuckles)" "ARCHER:" "I lied." "I mean, yes, eight." "TROOPS:" "Cherlene!" "Cherlene!" "PAM( laughing):" "Holy dickballs!" "I mean, I mean, I mean, just holy...." "LANA:" "Dickballs." "Yes, Pam, I got it." "CALDERÓN:" "Areyousure?" "The room is okay?" "CHERLENE:" "Yeah,it 'sfine, whatever." "CALDERÓN:" "I-Icannotbelieve it is actually you." "Here in my palace, I mean..." "CHERLENE:" "Yeah,it 'sblowing your mind, huh?" "CALDERÓN:" "Boom!" "(laughing):" "Yeah." "Can I please bring you anything?" "A freshly squeezed juice, a cocktail, a sandwich of your own choosing?" "CHERLENE:" "Don'tyou,like, have a war to go to?" "(scoffs)" "CALDERÓN:" "It'sin the mountains far, far away where we will crush the communist rebel dogs!" "Especially now that we are once again receiving weapons." "MALORY:" "Yoo-hoo!" "And about that, I was hoping that you and I could discuss our terms?" "CALDERÓN:" "I ...butCherlene?" "MALORY:" "Isexhausted." "As is my drink." "(sighs)" "CYRIL:" "Whydo we alwayshave to share a room?" "RAY:" "Thesinistergay cabal," "Cyril, you have fallen victim to the sinister gay cabal." "CYRIL:" "Okay,youknow..." "RAY:" "I don'tknowwhy we always get stuck together." "But I kind of don't mind it." "CYRIL:" "Hmm,actuallyIdon't either, now that I think..." "RAY:" "Queer!" "(laughs)" "(rhythmic zipping)" "(rhythmic shaking)" "ARCHER:¶ Apache" "Helicopters" "We should sell those" "'Cause I'm a ropper. ¶" "(laughs)" "Ropper..." "Wow, that's awful." "But so far, being an international arms dealer is not." "I could get extremely used to this." "Matt, Joel, hi, shut up." "Let's set up lunch with Adnan" "Khashoggi, I... (knocking)" "(door opens)" "Whoa, whoa, uh, uh, oh, I ju... oh, ah, I just... (chuckles)" "I... oh, got a, I got a... whoa, ho, ho, ho, oh, ho, ho, oh, no!" "(metal clanging)" "(clears throat)" "Uh, may I help you?" "MAID:" "I 'msorryto bother you, sir." "ARCHER:" "No,no ,youdidn't, aren't, or rather you couldn't, or still haven't, I..." "MAID:" "I thoughtyoumight need more towels." "ARCHER:" "Oh,uh ,no ." "I-I think I'm okay for right now." "(buttons popping)" "Although that being said, it's better to be safe than sorry, at least with regards to towels." "(buttons popping)" "But only towels." "KRIEGER:" "Hey,aretheremore  towels?" "Hey, are there more towels?" "Hey, are there more...?" "CYRIL:" "Yourealizethis isn't a hotel, right?" "LANA:" "Andevenifitwere,  that is not how you'd go about getting towels!" "PAM:" "Whoareyou ,Princess... hang on..." "Lana?" "LANA:" "Wellplayed." "PAM:" "I 'vegotcratelag ." "LANA:" "Andwhereare you  going with that?" "PAM:" "Icemachine." "CYRIL:" "Ooh,hey,Icoulduse some ice." "KRIEGER:" "Oh,andifyouseea housekeeping cart, can you grab me some towels?" "PAM:" "Yep!" "KRIEGER:" "You'renotgoingto, are you?" "PAM:" "Nope!" "KRIEGER:" "Goddamnit ." "Ha, hee, cold, cold, cold..." "LANA:" "Andthere,but for the  grace of..." "Hey, get me a fizzy water!" "(Pam farts, laughs)" "Thanks!" "MALORY:" "I 'msorry?" "CALDERÓN:" "Tanks?" "MALORY:" "For?" "CALDERÓN:" "Hmm." "Hmm..." "Maybe to start?" "MALORY:" "I ...deferto you?" "CALDERÓN:" "Thenyes,Ithink to start." "(cork pops)" "Yes?" "MALORY:" "Oh." "Yes, please." "CALDERÓN:" "ButsoonIthink more, no?" "MALORY:" "Well,Ishould hope so." "Or is that not...?" "CALDERÓN:" "No,please,of course, I am willing to do whatever it takes." "Anything." "MALORY:" "Well,thenthatmakes two of us." "CALDERÓN:" "Wait,really?" "Anything?" "MALORY:" "Yes?" "CALDERÓN:" "Gas?" "MALORY:" "I 'msorry?" "CALDERÓN:" "Youhavegas ?" "MALORY:" "Wha...?" "No !" "CALDERÓN:" "Oh,my God,oh, my" "God, oh, my God, sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I thought you..." "MALORY:" "No!" "Forthe ..." "No!" "CALDERÓN:" "I misunderstood." "I apologize." "MALORY:" "Andwellyou should!" "CALDERÓN:" "AndwellIdo !" "Please forgive me." "MALORY:" "I mean..." "PAM:" "Whatafrickin'clip  joint." "KRIEGER:" "Notowels." "PAM:" "Noicemachine." "(Cherlene screams)" "CHERLENE:" "Notowelmachine?" "!" "PAM:" "Yeah,right?" "CHERLENE:" "Whatis this" "Escape From...?" "Wait, are we still in" "New York, or...?" "CYRIL:" "What?" "No, we're in Central America." "(gasps)" "CHERLENE:" "Oh,my God!" "We did it!" "We're free!" "PAM:" "Do...?" "CHERLENE:" "Outlawdifferent country woooooo!" "PAM:" "SometimesI worry about her." "CYRIL:" "Eh." "KRIEGER:" "Ooh,hangon, maybe this is it." "PAM:" "I don'tknow." "It looks kind of..." "KRIEGER:" "Ugh,Pam,theycan't leave valuable towels and ice just lying around." "Hotel profit margins are very thin." "(gasps)" "Oh, oh, oh... (muffled yelling)" "(screams)" "(all crying)" "Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me." "CYRIL:" "Krieger?" "What'd you, see a ghost?" "PAM:" "Oh,my God,pleasesay yes." "ARCHER:" "Allright,is that happy hour I smell?" "CALDERÓN:" "Yes,Mr.Archer." "Please join us." "Your mother and I are drinking wine that belonged to Benjamin" "Franklin." "MALORY:" "Weare?" "CALDERÓN:" "Anddiscussinga shipment of four American tanks." "MALORY:" "Oh,tanks!" "ARCHER:" "Thanks." "Tanks?" "MALORY:" "Wedo tanks!" "We can do anything, as long as you're willing to pay." "CALDERÓN:" "Me...me pay?" "MALORY:" "Good,thenit's settled." "ARCHER:" "Ifyousay so," "Mother." "CALDERÓN:" "No,no ,no ,I'm sorry, I-I thought this was why the CIA was buying my cocaine." "To sell to the American black people, to make the money to buy the weapons to give me to fight the comunistas." "MALORY:" "Exactly." "ARCHER:" "Wait,what?" "Why wouldn't they just...?" "MALORY:" "Sterling,shutup and let me handle this." "Because the problem, Gustavo..." "CALDERÓN:" "Ooh." "MALORY:" "I 'msorry,mayIcall  you Gustavo?" "CALDERÓN:" "No." "MALORY:" "Theproblem,Señor" "Presidente, the problem, you see, the problem is... is the White House has lost faith in your ability to win this war!" "CALDERÓN:" "Ooh." "MALORY:" "Andso ,if youwant any more weapons, you'll have to pay for them in cash." "CALDERÓN:" "Ooh!" "MALORY:" "Startingnow." "CALDERÓN:" "No,no ,butI cannot afford to do this!" "MALORY:" "Oh,please." "Look at you, drinking Ben" "Franklin's wine like it's" "Kool-Aid, surrounded by priceless art..." "Not this one obviously, but..." "CALDERÓN:" "Oh,no ,thisone  cost 40 millions." "MALORYANDARCHER:" "What?" "!" "CALDERÓN:" "Yes,it is an Ivan" "Blitko." "So we have, in this area, these very geometric shapes, in these very bold colors here, and then the thick black lines are coming here, always drawing the eye to here, and then, over" "everything... just white." "Just layer after layer after layer of pure white." "Until you can see nothing of the painting below." "Not even with an infrared camera." "MALORY:" "So...what'sthe  point?" "CALDERÓN:" "Thepoint?" "What is the point of a beautiful woman?" "And speaking of!" "JULIANA( chuckles):" "Hello, darling." "CALDERÓN:" "Mywife." "(Archer grunting)" "(gulps)" "(burps)" "MALORY:" "Sterling!" "Where are your manners?" "ARCHER:" "Probablyin my room, so I should go there right now and find them." "CALDERÓN:" "No,no ,no ,no , no, please stay." "Mi amor, may I present to you" "Sterling Archer, and also his charming mother Malory." "JULIANA:" "JulianaCalderón." "MALORY:" "A pleasureto meet you, Juliana." "JULIANA:" "Oh." "MALORY:" "I 'msorry,mayIcall  you..." "JULIANA:" "No." "CALDERÓN:" "Uh,darling,how  was your afternoon?" "JULIANA:" "Exhausting." "ARCHER:" "Mmm." "JULIANA:" "Sohotand sweaty." "ARCHER:" "Mmm." "JULIANA:" "Tobe honest,I'm  really quite sore." "ARCHER:" "Mm-mmm!" "This is why I disapprove." "Juliana sometimes goes among the servants, pretending to be a maid, or working in the laundry, even one time helping to carry some rocks?" "MALORY:" "Oh,how..." "JULIANA:" "Inspiring,really." "MALORY:" "Mmm." "CALDERÓN:" "I wasjustshowing them the Blitko." "JULIANA:" "Doyoulikewhat you see, Mr. Archer?" "ARCHER:" "Youknow,somuch  that..." "I-I'm gonna go write about it in my art journal!" "CALDERÓN:" "Sheis goingto bring us some tanks, so that we may crush the rebel dogs." "Did they tell you what is for dinner?" "CYRIL:" "Clones?" "KRIEGER:" "Yes,clones!" "My God, it was like looking in... several mirrors!" "PAM:" "Oh,man,oh, man ,oh,  man, oh, man..." "KRIEGER:" "Archer!" "ARCHER:" "What?" "!" "KRIEGER:" "Ow,ah ,hangon... gotta stitch... oh..." "ARCHER:" "Damnit ,Idon 'thave time for... wait, Pam, did you find an ice machine?" "PAM:" "Huh-uh." "Ow, hang on... (groans)" "ARCHER:" "Goddamnit ..." "PAM:" "Clones!" "ARCHER:" "What?" "CYRIL:" "Kriegersays--ow,  hold on..." "ARCHER:" "Goddamnit !" "CYRIL:" "Kriegersayshesawa  bunch of clones!" "ARCHER:" "Ofwhat?" "We're running to find them." "PAM:" "Wait,what?" "I thought we were running away from them!" "ARCHER:" "Hangon ,shutup,  hold that thought." "KRIEGER:" "Guys,comeon, let 's go!" "PAM:" "Notwithoutabunchof garlic and some wooden stakes." "They're clones, not vampires!" "PAM:" "Itdoesn'tmatterto the stake!" "KRIEGER:" "What'reyou...we can't kill them!" "PAM:" "Well,notnow ." "We wait till morning and then murder them in their coffins." "Cyril?" "Thoughts?" "CYRIL:" "I justreallywishI hadn't come on this stupid trip." "But since I did..." "KRIEGER:" "Taaaaanks!" "You jerks." "(muffled scream)" "(muffled scream)" "(Lana sighs)" "LANA:" "Don'tevenwantto know." "ARCHER:" "Lana!" "Lana!" "Oh, my God, you gotta help me!" "LANA:" "Oh,forthe ...thereis no ice machine!" "ARCHER:" "Okay,notthat,but" "A) a palace this big definitely has an ice machine, maybe not in the hall, but it's not like they make ice with trays." "B)..." "LANA:" B"ishey,shutup, about that thing where you said you're cleaning up your act." "ARCHER:" "WhichI'mactually pretty serious about, by the way, but right now I want to talk about this other thing where I just banged Calderón's wife." "Lana?" "LANA:" "Uh,hangon." "Okay." "(clears throat)" "Why would you do that?" "!" "ARCHER:" "I ..." "I 'msorry,do  you mean where?" "LANA:" "No,Archer,Imean why!" "What happened to no more anonymous sex?" "ARCHER:" "Itwasn'tanonymous," "Lana." "I thought she was the maid." "LANA:" "Whywouldyou think that?" "!" "ARCHER:" "I 'msorry,do you mean why?" "LANA:" "Wh..." "Yes!" "Why?" "!" "ARCHER:" "Uniform,towels,the  usual maid stuff!" "LANA:" "The...whoa-whoa-whoa- whoa, back up." "What is your definition of anonymous sex?" "ARCHER:" "I don'tknow, bird masks?" "LANA:" "What?" "ARCHER:" "Orawomanyou literally bump into on the train." "Or the ferry." "Or in a port-a-john at the" "Preakness that time, but not somebody who works directly for a president, I can tell you that." "I mean, we're talking major security clearance, so you got to assume there's a pretty thorough vetting process for... that... you know..." "LANA:" "Youdone?" "ARCHER:" "Hangon ." "Yes?" "LANA:" "Okay." "So ." "Here's my advice." "(grunts, moans)" "Do with it as you will." "(Archer moans, coughs)" "(groaning)" "CHERLENE:" "Hey,areyou going to this dinner?" "(retches)" "Or did you already eat... crayons?" "JULIANA:" "Shouldwe notjust start?" "(clears throat)" "CALDERÓN:" "Notuntilthe guest of honor arrives." "CHERLENE:" "Woooooo-hoo!" "(Calderón gasps)" "CALDERÓN:" "Yes,yes,yes ,yes , yes, yes, come, come, come, come, come, come, because I am pulling out!" "CHERLENE:" "Phrasing,boom!" "ARCHER:" "Thankyou." "(moans)" "LANA:" "How'stheballs?" "ARCHER:" "Ruined?" "I'm pretty sure?" "CALDERÓN:" "Okay,yousit  there." "Uh... you." "Up." "MALORY:" "I begyourpardon?" "CALDERÓN:" "Getup ." "Come on, move it, up, up, up!" "MALORY:" "Well,of allthe ..." "CALDERÓN:" "Please,Cherlene." "Everyone, raise a glass, and join me to toast Cherlene!" "Because-- and I happen to know this for a fact-- her debut album has now officially sold one million copies!" "(Malory shrieks)" "(others cheering)" "CYRIL:" "Yay!" "CHERLENE:" "How?" "It came out, like, yesterday." "CALDERÓN:" "Yes!" "Amazing!" "A toast." "CHERLENE:" "No,likeliterally yesterday." "CALDERÓN:" "Andnowitis platinum." "A toast!" "CHERLENE:" "I justdon'tsee  how it's possible." "(forklift beeping)" "(many forklifts beeping)" "CALDERÓN:" "Itdoesn'tmatter how!" "A toast!" "PAM:" "Hear,hear!" "(murmurs of agreement)" "CALDERÓN:" "Andalsolet usnot forget my brave soldiers, yes, out there, fighting those rebel dogs, far away!" "PAM:" "Andplusthatoneright  there." "COMANDANTE:" "SeñorPresidente!" "The rebels have broken through our lines!" "They..." "They are now within mortar range!" "(screaming)" "CHERLENE:" "Oh,my God!" "It's starting!" "MALORY:" "Whatis ?" "CHERLENE:" "Cherlenemania!" "LANA:" "It'samortarattack!" "CHERLENE:" "I know!" "How frickin' outlaw country is that?" "!" "¶ I'll burn it down" "I'll burn it down to the ground" "¶ I'll burn it down" "To the sea... ¶ I'll burn it down" "Down to the ground" "¶ You don't mess with" "This country queen" "¶ Don't you mess..." "With this country queen. ¶" "Captioned by" "MediaAccessGroupatWGBH  access.wgbh.org" "MAN:" "Made...in Georgia."