"So thanks for coming by, guys." "We wanted to bounce some ideas off of you about the wedding ceremony." "Oh." " What's the matter?" "Are you okay?" " Yeah, it's just..." "Monica said "wedding."" "Uh, so we wanted to know if one of you would like to read something." "Okay, yeah, I guess I can do that too." "Too?" "Yeah, I kind of, ahem, have something else planned for you guys." " Do you mind telling us what it is?" " Sorry." "I'm kind of keeping this one on the QT." "Well, whatever it is, I hope it involves winking." " Hey." "ALL:" "Hey." "So I talked to one of the DOOL writers..." " What is DOOL?" " Days Of Our Lives." "You're not gonna believe it." "My character is coming out of his coma!" " That's wonderful." " Wow, Joey." "And not only that." "I'm getting a new brain!" "So great things are happening at work and in your personal life." "What do you mean you're getting a new brain?" "They're killing off one of the characters, and when she dies and her brain is being transplanted into my body." "Heh, what?" "A brain transplant?" "It's ridiculous." "I think it's ridiculous that you haven't had sex in three and a half months." "It's winter." "There are fewer people on the street." "Who are they killing off?" "Uh, Cecilia Monroe." "She plays Jessica Lockhart." " No!" " No!" "She is so good at throwing drinks in people's faces." "I don't think I've ever seen her finish a beverage." "The way she slaps people." "Wouldn't you love to do that?" "Don't do it." "And she's been on the show forever." " It's gonna be really hard to fill her shoes." " Yeah." "Help me out here." "When you..." "When you come out of the "brain transplant" you are going to be her?" "Yes, but in Drake Ramoray's body." "[STAMMERS]" "Why is this so hard for you to get?" "I thought you were a scientist." "Rach, so that guy there:" "Straight or gay?" "RACHEL:" "Oh." "Oh, yeah, he's too cute to be straight." "Ha, ha." "Ooh, Knockers will help us figure it out." "All right, straight." "And not subtle." " He left his cell phone." " Oh?" "We could hand it to Gunther, he'll put it in lost and found." "Or we could use it to call China, see how those guys are doing." "What if, uh, he calls his own cell phone to find out who found it, and I answer and we start talking and we fell in love?" "Wouldn't that be a great story?" " Kind of like a fairy tale for the digital age." " Yeah." "That does sound great." "I'm gonna get the phone." "What?" "Wait." "Why do you get the story?" "I don't know." "I haven't been out on a date in so long." "Phoebe, you had a date three days ago." "That wasn't a date." "That was friends getting together and having sex." "Okay." "Great." "See, I get the phone." "No way." "You just broke up with Tag a week ago." "Yeah, and until now, I didn't think I would love again." " Nice try." " Hey, wait." "How do we fairly decide who gets the phone?" "I don't know." "Well, um..." "Maybe we could, uh..." "Ah-ha!" "Too slow!" "Ha-ha-ha." "Ah-ha!" "Too cocky." "I'm going to date him." "There's nothing you can do." "Yes, there is." "What, are you going to kill him like you did Charles?" "Oh, my baby." "DIRECTOR:" "Cut!" "[APPLAUSE]" "That was a great scene." "And that slap looked so real." "How do you do that?" " Oh, just years of experience." " Can I get some ice here?" "Anyway, I just wanted to say how wonderful I think you are." "You're not the fan who's dying, are you?" "No, uh, I'm Joey Tribbiani." "We did a scene together yesterday." " I'm the guy in the coma." " Oh, that was a real person?" "I wanted to say, since I'm getting your brain when you leave the show I was wondering if there was any tips..." " I'm leaving the show?" "I don't know, why?" "Did you hear something?" " Who told you that?" " Oh, uh..." " One of the writers." " Which?" "Was it bald or was it tall?" "You know, it doesn't matter, because it is not true." "Okay." "Whoo, eh." "And if it were true, how dare you come to me and ask me for tips about a character I've been playing for 20 years!" "Miss Monroe..." "Oh, there you go." "Okay, look, I have an idea." "Why don't we see what kind of numbers he has on his speed dial?" "And then from that, we can tell who has more in common with him and whoever does gets the phone." " Fine." "All right." " All right." " First name on the speed dial is "Mom."" " Oh." "I lost my mom to suicide." "Okay, no way." "You can't use that to get the cute guy and the last muffin." "Did I use that already today?" "I'm sorry." ""Ben, Carlos, David..."" "Oh, I win." "He's got Barney's on his speed dial." "So?" "You don't know that it's Barney's the store." "That could be his friend's house, or a bar, or..." "Who has Barney's the store on their speed dial?" "His new girlfriend." "[BAGPIPES DRONING IN DISTANCE]" "[BAGPIPES SCREECHING]" "What is that?" "I think it's the Dying Cat Parade." "Sounds like it's coming from across the street." " Oh, my God." " What?" "The thing that Ross was gonna do at our wedding?" "He was hanging out with me yesterday and he said, "You're half Scottish, right?"" "No." "There is no way." "It cannot be Ross." "Unbelievable." "Why is your family Scottish?" "Why is your family Ross?" "He cannot play at our wedding." "Everyone will leave." "I mean, come on." "That is just noise!" "It's not even a song." "Wait." "If you listen very carefully, I think it's "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang." "You're absolutely right." "They are writing me out of the show." "They don't know exactly when it's going to happen, but apparently it's soon and then that's it." "I'm sorry." "If it was up to me, you would never leave the show." " Yeah, thanks." " No, I mean it." "I can't believe they'd do this to you." "And to your fans." "They're gonna be devastated." "Heartbroken." "They love you so much." "Oh, you're right." "Thank you." " What's your name again?" " Uh..." " Joey." " Joey." "Well, thank you." "That is so sweet." "Oh." "The..." "The only reason I came up to you before was because, well because I'm really nervous about being you." "You know, if you could help me capture the essence of the character." "Help me keep Jessica alive." "Please?" "All right, Joey, I will help you." "Not because I owe it to this stupid show but because I owe it to Jessica." " Oh, that's great." "Thank you so much." " You're so welcome." "I've been watching some tapes." "How's this?" "[IN BRITISH ACCENT] Jessica Lockhart will never step foot in this place again!" "Ever!" "Oh, but, Jessica doesn't have an English accent." "I can do an English accent?" "That baby's going on my resume." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" " Hi, Pheebs." "How are you?" " Good." "Um, Phoebe, remember when we were in the coffeehouse we decided I was gonna keep the cute guy's phone?" " Yeah." " And I was gonna keep it in my purse so if it rang, I could just pick it up?" " Yeah." "And then do you remember going into my purse and stealing the phone?" "Ooh, now you lost me." " You stole the phone." " No, I didn't." "No?" "So you're saying that if I called it, it wouldn't ring?" " No." " Hmm." "Okay." "But while you dial, let me show you the features of my new ringing handbag." "Mm." "[PHONE RINGING]" "Oh, it does work." " Phoebe." " That is a different phone." "Oh, is it?" "Hello." "Yes, hi." "Is Rachel there?" "Yes, she is." "Just one moment, please." "It's for me!" " That is damning evidence." " Ugh." "[PHONE RINGING]" "Oh, my God." "I bet that's him." "My digital fairy tale's about to begin." "It's ri..." "Would you stop doing that?" "Hello?" "Yes, I'm the one who found your phone." " Phoebe, you can't do th..." " Shh, I'm on a call." "Well, yeah, I mean, you could pick it up tonight." "Say, 8:30?" "At my apartment." "It's, um..." "It's, um, 5 Morton Street, apartment 14." "And then maybe, you know, after, we could grab a bite to eat or whatever." "Okay." "Okay, I'll see you then." "Bye." "You do know that I will be here when he comes over." "Oh, and how will you know what time to come over?" "You just said it." "Oh." "Joey, the essence of the character is rooted in her confidence." "So when Jessica enters a room, for instance she owns everything and every person in that room." " You try it." " Okay." "Right." "Well, he's not mad at the room." "Try it again." "He owns it." "He owns the room." "It is his." "He owns, owns, owns the room!" "He owns it!" "It's a little weird, but it's getting better." "Oh, I'm gonna miss this woman so much." "I don't know what I'm gonna do." "It's been 20 years of my life." "Hey, hey." "Maybe..." "Maybe, uh..." "Maybe this is a good thing." "You know?" "Lt'll give you a chance to shake things up." "Play different characters." "You're so talented." "Probably should've just left years ago when the offers were pouring in but, you know, I just got so comfy here and..." "Ugh, I turned down some amazing work." " Like what?" " Well let's just say if I'd left 15 years ago the landscape of Mexican cinema would be very different today." "Wow." "But, well, now..." "Now's a different time for me." "Oh, hey, come on." "Don't, uh..." "Don't do this." "Let me tell you something, okay?" "When I watch you do a scene, I'm thinking, "Boy, she is a great actress."" "But..." "But I'm also thinking, "She is hot."" "You think I'm hot?" "You own the room." "[CHUCKLES]" "We..." "We should probably get the..." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, we should get..." "So when Jessica kisses a man she usually puts, um both her hands on the man's face." "Yeah, I notice that." "Is that because she's so passionate?" "No, it's because that way the camera only sees her." "You want to try it?" "Yeah, okay." "That was good." "That was really good." "But I think that maybe your hands are just a little off." " They should be, maybe..." "Like, right..." " Mm." "Well, I feel like a snack." "Do you want some shortbread?" "It's Scottish, like you are." "Oh, no, thanks." "I don't like anything from my Scottish heritage." "What?" "Well, it's just that my entire family was run out of Scotland by Vikings." "It sounds to me like your family's ready to, uh, rediscover its Scottish roots." "You can't play bagpipes at the wedding!" "How did you know about that?" "We heard you play all the way from your apartment." "Were you the ones who called the cops?" "That's not really important right now." "Ahem." "What is important is, while we appreciate the gesture we just don't feel that bagpipes are appropriate for our wedding." " Why not?" " Because we hate them." "Just give me a chance to perform for you, and then decide whatever you want." "I'm not gonna tell you what song I'm gonna play, either." "But, uh let's just say when it's over I'll bet there'll be a wee bit o' celebration." "Hey, hey!" "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "[IN UNISON] Who is it?" "TOM:" "Hi, It's Tom." " I'm here to pick up the phone." " Ah!" "Whoa, why do you get to answer the door?" " Why shouldn't I?" " Because it's my apartment." "Well, then I get to give him the phone." "Okay." "Good luck explaining all the calls to China." "Hi." "Wow, how long were we arguing for?" "Um, ha, ha." "You're not the man who left the cell phone." " No, that's my assistant." " Is he coming?" "Um, no." "Could you, uh, give us one second?" " Sure." " We'll be right back, sir." " Well, what do we do?" " I don't know." "Can you believe this?" "We were waiting for a hot guy and an even hotter one shows up." "I know..." "What?" "Rachel, listen if you let me have him, then I will really owe you one." "All right." "All right, Phoebe, I will let you have him." "But you owe me." "You owe me big." "So which one of you lovely ladies am I gonna take to dinner, huh?" "Oh, that'd be me, sir." " After you." " Okay, thank you." "[MOUTHS] Nice." "Well, you certainly own that room." "Actually, I rent the whole place." "And I just got what you meant." "Thank you." "[LAUGHING]" " Hi." "JOEY:" "Hey." "Oh, my God." "Aah!" "Jessica Lockhart!" "In my apartment!" "I am such a huge fan." "I am such a huge fan." "Well, it's nice to know that..." "[YELLS] Monica!" "Monica!" "That, uh..." "That's my roommate, Rachel." "Oh, that explains all the women's underwear." "Sure." "Yeah." "Oh, my God, it's true!" "Oh, my God." "Can I just ask you to do me..." "Aw... ." "Just one favor?" "Certainly." "Would you slap me?" "Would you slap me right here in the face?" "I'd love to, but my lawyer said I can't do that anymore." " All right, here we go." " Okay." "No, wait." "Just one moment." "Um..." " You're a stupid bitch." " I really can't slap you." "[GROWLS]" " My God, you're great." " Thanks for stopping by." "See you." " I am so sorry about that." " Oh, no, no, no." "Being adored, I'm used to it." "Don't worry about it." " Oh, my God." " What?" "They sent me today's script." "They never send me the script." " They don't?" " Well, no, I'm in a coma." "This must mean I have lines." "Oh." "How does it happen?" "Ooh." "You get thrown from a horse into an electric fence." "A what?" "Jessica hates horses." "I'm guessing after this she's not gonna be crazy about electricity, either." "Loosening the saddle on Mother's horse was brilliant, Fredrick." "And the electric fence, inspired." "Thank you, sweetheart." "I can't believe she's really gone." "Look around you." "All of this is ours." "I don't think so." "Who are you?" "What's the matter, Dina?" "Don't you recognize your own mother?" "DIRECTOR:" "Cut!" "That was great, everybody." "Thank you." "That was so wonderful!" "Oh, I think that you're a better Jessica than I ever was." " Oh, no." " Of course not, but you were very good." "Heh, thanks." "Guess what?" "Good news." "I got another job." "Great." "Hey, all right!" "What is it?" "A film in Guadalajara." "The airport?" "No, that's LaGuardia." " This is Mexico." " Oh, wow." "Well, how long will you be gone?" "Eight months." " That's a really long time." " Yeah, but you could come and visit me." "I bet that you could, uh, own a few places down there." "Oh, you know, I should probably buy a place in the city first." "And I just got what you meant." "That is a..." " I'll tell you, that's a tricky one." " It's a tricky one." "Well..." "Good luck." "You too." "Ahem." "Okay, now, uh, remember, I'm still learning." "[BAGPIPES DRONING THEN SQUEAKING]" "One, two, three, four!" "[PLAYING KOOL AND THE GANG'S "CELEBRATION"]" "You know the song." "Sing along." "[MIMICKING BAGPIPES]" "So?" " No!" " No!" "[English" " US" " SDH]"