"(MC) Ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses and welcome onto the stage the duke of draught, the prince of pils, the one true king of beers." "He is the Pub Landlord, Mr Al Murray!" " (Cheering) - (# Land of Hope And Glory)" "Wahey-hey!" "Yes!" "Come on." "Shake my hand, come up and shake my hand." "Come on, shake my hand." "Yeah, go on, mate." "Shake my hand." "Fantastic." " Wahey!" " (Cheering)" " Cheers!" " (Cheering and whistling)" "Let's hear it for the beer." "All hail to the ale." "And welcome the wine for the ladies." "Good evening." "Eh?" "Welcome." "The 02 on a Saturday night." "Doesn't get any fucking better than this, does it?" "Fantastic." "Find your seat, sir, that's it." "We started bang on time." "That's what happens if you let her park, you dozy twat, innit?" "Quick as you can, there." "Fat bloke, move it." "Fantastic." " Are you all right at the back?" " (Cheering)" " 0ver there, you all right over there?" " (Cheering)" " (Cheering) - 0h, you're beautiful." "And look at this Muppet show of a front row." "I do not know where to start." "Whether I start with the spud-faced twats down this end... lt's like a greengrocer's." "Different varieties of potato." "Yeah." "Fucking beautiful, look at you." "Eh, welcome, eh?" "We've got a couple of dandies in." "Fucking fantastic." "It doesn't get any better than this." "Look at you, eh?" "Fella, here." "What's your name, squire?" " Dave." " Dave!" " Beautiful British name, Dave." " (Cheering)" "Tell me, what do you do for a living, Dave?" " l'm a soldier." " You're a soldier!" " Beautiful." " (Cheering)" "(Sobbing) Beautiful." "(Al) Eh?" "What the fucking hell are you doing here?" "There's two wars on." "Piss off." "Get to work, you bastard." "Eh?" "Fantastic." "Great to have you here." "is this your missus, Dave?" "0r someone you're visiting on leave, mm?" "Eh?" "(Whistles)" ""0h, no, I'm gonna be gone a long time." Yeah, you lying bastard, eh?" " What's your name, my dear?" " Caroline." "Caroline." "Beautiful British name." "Caroline, what do you do for a living, bearing in mind the correct answer for a woman is secretary or nurse?" " What do you, love?" " Full-time mum and wife." "A full-time mum?" "It's beautiful." "And wife?" "How the fucking hell do you fit the two together, eh?" " How old are the little 'uns?" " Six months and two." "Six months?" "That's beautiful." "They're yours, are they, Dave?" "Eh?" ""l was in the Afghan." Eh?" "Fantastic. lt's great to have you here." "A soldier." "It doesn't get any better than that." " (Cheering and whistling)" " Where better to start, eh?" "Fantastic." "What else have we got, eh?" "We'll work our way down." "The gentleman in the tank top there, yes." "Yeah, it's back." "Fuck me." "Eh?" " What's your name, sir?" " Graham." "Beautiful British name." "Graham, what do you do for a living, sir?" "A consultant in the events industry." "A consultant in the events industry?" "(Laughter)" "What the fucking hell does that involve?" ""Let's have a party."" ""Brilliant idea, Graham." "I'll consult with you again."" ""What time should it go on to?" "l don't know - two?" "You're a genius."" "That job is easy, you wanker, isn't it?" "He's in a fox-hole somewhere, yeah?" "With the Taliban chucking crap at him, eh?" "And here you are going, "Mmm, I think we'll have pizza, mini pizza."" "Mm. "l'm worthwhile." You wanker." "I don't like you, mate. lt's not personal." "Well, it is personal." "I don't fucking like you." "He fixes bayonets." "You put sausages on little sticks, don't you, eh?" "is this your missus?" "Fantastic." "What's your name, my dear?" " Jenny." " Jenny." "Beautiful British name." " What do you, sweets?" " Erm, MD of..." "An MD?" "Hm." "Secretary." "Secretary in chief, eh?" "Fantastic." "Excellent." "Does he throw a good party, Jenny?" "Does he?" "Does he?" "Does he?" "He doesn't, does he, eh?" "You're carrying him, he's dead weight." "Welcome, you beautiful fucking..." "you beautiful people." "Eh, look at these spud-faced fellas on the end, here." "Are you all right, boys?" "We've got King Edward, Maris Piper, the full fucking range." "Couple of turnips on the end, fucking brilliant." "Eh, the chunky monkey, the big lad." "Look at that." "(Splutters)" " What's..." "What's your name, big man?" " Mark." "Beautiful British name." "What do you do between meals?" "For a living!" "For a living!" " (Mark speaking, indistinct)" " You what?" " A credit controller." " A credit controller." "(Booing)" "You work in a call centre, that's what you're telling me." "With all due respect, you don't look like you're from Delhi." "Now the..." "Do you want some crisps?" "Do you want some crisps?" "You're a fat bloke, you can't resist them." "Do you want some crisps?" "Let me get you some crisps, big man." "Fantastic." "There you go." "Yeah, green ones." "Some green crisps." "Go on. (Growls)" "Fat Bloke!" "There you go." "He caught them." "Like a fucking magnet." "They bent round." "The crisps actually turned through the air, flap, into his hand." ""Must have crisps!"" "Fat Bloke!" "It's great to have you here." "If you weren't sitting there, the building would flip over, that's a fact." "You are..." "You are beautiful people." "Eh?" "The fella on the end, the red-faced man on the end of the row here." " What's your name?" " Gary." " Darren?" " Gary!" "Gary." "All right, same difference." "What do you do for a living, Gal?" " l work in insurance." " Insurance." "With your fucking small print, eh, you bastard?" " Come on, boo him." "Boo the bastard." " (Booing)" "How's it feel?" "That's how we feel about you, mate, eh?" "Pay up, you wanker, pay up!" "Dave, can you get insurance?" "Can you, as a soldier?" "No, and it's cos of this tosser here, innit?" "Eh?" "You're welcome." "The fella there who's got sort of tight jeans on." "He thinks he's handsome but isn't." "What's your name, sir?" " lan." " lan." "Classic." " ls this your missus?" " This one, yeah." "Can I just say this, I'm not being personal, I is not having a pop, right?" "But you are batting well above your fucking average, there." "We got a fairy-tale romance in the front row." "It's Shrek and Princess Fiona." "It's off the dial." "# Beauty and the beast #" "What's your secret?" "Does it go down to here?" "What are we talking?" "You listen to her, don't you, you cheating bastard?" "You listen to what she says and act on it, you fucking cheat." "I've got to get a picture of this." "No one'll believe it, my regulars." ""l played the 02 and there was a bloke at the front" ""who normally wouldn't attract a swamp donkey."" "Normally - "Ee-or, ee-or, squelch, squelch, squelch."" "But not on this occasion." "Eh?" "She's beautiful, mate." "You've knocked that one out the fucking ground." "Right, 0K, here we go." "Bunch together in a romantical manner." "That is fucking off the dial, mate, that is... ln we go, in we go." "That's it mate, show the full luck on your face." "You're totally in luck with her, aren't you?" "Unbelievable, that is." "Eh, Dave, look at this, look at this, Dave." "Have a look at this." "Quick, come and look." "Quick, Dave, look at that." "That's off the dial." "Fuck me, eh?" "You'd paint that on the side of your tank, wouldn't you, mate, eh?" "Eh, what else have we got?" "In the stripes here, in the blue." "The blue and the brown..." "Blue and brown stripes." "What's your name, sir?" "It's like a bar code, innit? "Boop." "Twat." Like that." " Bri." " Bri?" "Bri?" "What, Brian's too fucking snazzy?" "Bri." "What do you do, Bri?" " We run health clubs." " You run a health club." "I don't trust fit people." "They're trying too fucking hard." "Get down the pub and get some proper memories." "You're beautiful people, eh?" "0n the end, with the ears." "What's your name, sir?" " Steve." " Steve!" "What do you do, Steve?" " l'm a carpet cleaner." " You're a carpet cleaner." "(Cheering)" "You're a carpet cleaner?" "Like a product." "Spread Steve all over your floor." "Hoover him up in the morning." "What the fuck are you on about, mate?" "You clean carpets." "You're not a carpet cleaner, eh?" "That's woman's work." "Now, the point is..." "You're beautiful people." "We've got some youngsters in." "The little scrote here, eh?" " What's your name, son?" " Mike." " How old are you, Mike?" " 1 6." "1 6." "Now here you go, you see." "Right, you're beautiful people, you come out on a Saturday night to the 02 but we are living right now in broken fucking Britain, aren't we?" "And this little turd here is so out of touch with British tradition, he doesn't even know how to lie to a publican about his fucking age, eh?" "(Applause)" "Broken fucking Britain, ladies and gentlemen." " Try again, son." "How old are you?" " 21 ." "21 ?" "No, for fuck's sake!" "Look at you, mother's milk still wet on your face." "Make it convincing." " How old are you?" " 1 8." "1 8." "Good boy, job done." "Eh?" "It was that fucking easy, wasn't it, mate, eh?" "What do you do, apart from post offices?" "What do you do?" " l'm at college." " At college." "No blades, right." "No fucking blades." "No blades." "No blades." "That's not disrespecting you in front of your motherfuckers, your bitches." "(lmitates street language) Eh?" "He knows what I'm saying." "I's not disrespecting you, yeah?" "I's not disrespecting you." "Where is your bitches tonight?" "Where is your bitches tonight?" "Where is your motherfucking bitches tonight?" "Answer the fucking question, you little turd." "Where is your bitches tonight?" " At home." " At home." "You talking about your mum?" "The disrespect this boy is giving off tonight is bang out of order." "We don't like it, do we?" "Fucking kids these days." "Eh?" "You all right, Shrek?" "Fantastic, eh?" "Do you want some crisps?" "Do you have crisps in the swamp?" "Do you have crisps?" ""Get out of my swamp."" "Let me get you some." "Let me get you some crisps, mate." "0oh, look at that." "Barbecue rib, eh, fucking beautiful." "There you go." "There you go, Shrek." "He didn't catch them." "Who else wants some?" "Who else wants crisps?" " (Shouting)" " No, no, no." " Who else wants crisps?" " (Louder shouting)" " Do you want crisps over there?" " (Shouting)" " Do you want crisps over there?" " (Cheering)" " Do you want crisps at the back?" " (Cheering)" "Right." "Let me see what I can do." "Do you want crisps down here?" "Eh?" "Let me see what I can do in terms of crisps for everyone." "Give me a moment." "Give me one moment." "Let's see what I can do." "Here we go." "Fantastic." "(Laughter)" "Here we go." "It's a Mark ll crisp bazooka... ..fried potato projectile weapons system, FPPWS." "You're familiar with this, aren't you, Dave?" "I think we should send this out to the Afghan, eh?" "Fire some crisps at the Taliban." "They eat crisps, they get a thirst on, they get a pint down them, they see some sense and knock it off." "What do you reckon?" "Yeah?" "So let's see what we've got tonight, what we're shooting tonight." "0h, it's a lovely kettle chip with black pepper, eh?" "Eh, Fat Bloke, Fat Bloke!" "0oh!" "0oh!" "Rrr!" "It bent round towards him." "Right, here we go." " You want crisps over there?" " (Cheering)" " Not good enough." "Do you want crisps?" " (Cheering)" " Do you want crisps down here?" " (Cheering)" " What about here?" " (Cheering)" " Shrek's corner, do you want crisps?" " (Cheering)" " Do you want crisps at the back?" " (Cheering)" " Right, let's try again. 0ver there..." " (Shouting)" " 0ver there." " (Shouting)" " Down here." "At the back." " (Shouting)" " 0ver there." " (Cheering)" " 0ver there. 0ver there." " (Shouting)" " 0ver there." "Down there." " (Cheering)" " Dave." " Yeah!" "Right, 0K." "Here we go." "Stand by." "Here we go, right, get the fucking..." "I'll fire from the hip." "Here we go." "Stand by." "Five... four... three, two... one!" "(Cheering)" "Fantastic." "Crisps for everybody down that front bit." "Fucking brilliant." "Fantastic." ""l've got fucking crisps in me bra, you bastard."" "Fantastic." "Do you want some of your own, Fat Bloke?" "You all right for crisps, big fella?" " The geezer on the end." "What's your name?" " (inaudible)" "Nathan." "Beautiful British name." "What do you do?" " l'm a student." " What are you studying?" " Biomedical science." " Biomedical science." "Mm." "(Whistles) Eh?" " What year you in?" " Second." "Second year." "So where are you up to, then?" "Here?" "Are these your mates?" "These your mates?" "I mean, normally..." "Normally, right, you see two lads out together, that's normal, innit?" "That's a normal thing, two fellas out together." "Four lads out together, that's a normal thing, too." "Two sets of best mates." "But three lads." "Mmm." "Normally you boys are in for the Tuesday night disco, aren't you?" "With the pink light. (Mimics dance music)" "Sharing a flat and an Audi." "You disgust me." "Huh!" " What's your name, son?" " Robert." " What do you do, Bobby?" " l'm a sales assistant." "In a shop?" "is your dad proud of you?" "No, he's never said so, has he, mate?" "And that's not cos he's bottling it up either, hey?" "And the third lad, what's your name?" " Nathan." " Nathan as well!" "That makes it easier to remember, doesn't it, lads?" "You disgust me." "The truth is... (Mimics disco beat) I was never confused." "The truth is this...." "Fella there with the two earrings." "He's some kind of pirate, I expect or... or a curtain rail." " What's your name, sir?" " Jason." " What do you do, Jase?" " l'm a mini cab controller." "Mini cab controller. 0oh!" "Eh?" "Er, yes, car, car to the 02, please." "Car to the 02, please." "Car to the 02, please." "That's your job, isn't it?" "Why be ambitious, eh?" "Fucking hell, what next?" "What do you work up to after that?" "Bus controller?" "Bus to the 02, please." "Bigger vehicle." "That's promotion." " ls this your missus?" "What's your name?" " Gemma." " What do you do, Gemma?" " l'm a mum." " You're a mum!" "Fantastic." "What you got?" " Two boys." " Two boys." "How old are they?" " Seven months and five." "Seven months and five." "They're little 'uns." "It's beautiful, these mums out tonight on a Saturday, getting shit-faced, expecting..." "expecting a lie-in." "Now..." "You're not gonna get one, love?" "Cos he's gonna lie in cos he's a selfish fucking bastard, hey?" "Lie-in in the main bedroom, please." "Lie-in." "And the point is..." "You're beautiful people." "Good to see we've got some older members of the parish in." "There in the stripes, there's an older..." "You all right, there, Pops?" "(Shouts) You warm enough, Granddad?" "Do you know where you are?" "Can you hear me?" " What's your name, old man?" " Dave." "Dave!" "As old as time itself." "Welcome, Dave." "Eh, what do you think of these kids here tonight, eh?" "The disrespect I was getting off the little lad earlier." "Do you blame the parents?" "Do you blame the parents?" "I blame the parents." "I definitely blame the fucking parents." "But I also blame the parents' parents, your generation, you stupid old bastard." "Cos you raised their parents, didn't you?" "Totally ineptly, you dozy old fucker." "You spent the whole of the '60s going, "Piss off, Grandpa, I'll do what I like."" "And now this little turd's telling you to fuck off, you don't like it, do you?" "You didn't think it through, you stupid old bastard." "is that your missus with you?" "0r you carer, your...?" "Did she wheel you here from the home?" "What's your name, love?" " lt's Sue." " Sue." "Are you his missus?" "0h... 0oh, gawd." "Good luck, mate, hey?" " What do you do, Sue?" " Secretary." "Secretary." "Good girl." "Correct answer." "It's that easy, wasn't it, ladies?" "Now..." "It's great to have an older bloke in." "These are difficult times." "Everyone knows these are difficult times with your credit crunch." "Difficult times." "Stressful times, yeah?" "Cos 200 billion quid has disappeared off the face of the fucking earth." "Yeah?" "It's not in that post office you tried to rob the other day, is it, mate?" "Business is down, yeah?" "You remember the Great Depression, Pops." "You remember, don't you, Dave?" "Yeah, when houses used to cost a tenner." "You remember, don't you?" "And the credit crunch, no one understands it." "Shrek, do you understand it?" "0f course not." "Bri, do you understand the credit crunch?" "You don't understand it, do you?" "Too busy doing press-ups to care." "Dave, do you understand the credit crunch?" "Course not, no." "Joy boys, do you understand the credit crunch?" ""Do you understand it, Nathan?"" ""No."" ""What about you, Nathan?" "No."" "Now, the point is..." "The point is this...." "No one understands the credit crunch." "I don't. I am but a humble publican." "Have we got any bankers here tonight who could help us explain it?" "Have we got anybody who works in a bank?" "Any at all?" "Fella down the front, fella back there." "Anyone at all work in a bank?" "The fella here." "0h, back there, what's your name?" "Put your hand up." "What's your name?" "Someone put their hand up back there and has changed his fucking mind." "(Laughter)" " You'll do." "What's your name, squire?" " (inaudible)" "Simon?" "Which bank do you work for?" " Bank of Ireland." " The Bank of Ireland." "(Booing)" "Got any Bank of Ireland customers here tonight?" "No." "That's the way it's going, isn't it, mate?" "I've got a question for you, then, Simon." "I don't understand the credit crunch." "Pops, you don't, no-one does." "Shrek doesn't." "Fat Bloke, do you understand it?" "No-one does." "Simple question." "It's all about toxic debt and subprime mortgages and all that blah, blah economics blah, blah." "No one understands it, so I've a simple question for you, Simon, that hopefully gets to the heart of it and that I'm asking on everyone's behalf." "200 billion quid has disappeared and I need to ask you this simple question and it's this." "Where's the fucking money?" " (Whistling)" " Where's the fucking money, Simon?" " Where's the fucking money?" " l've only got a few..." "Where's the fucking...?" "It's not in here, is it?" "That's not 200 billion, you dozy twat." "Where's the fucking money?" "Brian, do you know where the fucking money is, eh?" "Fat Bloke, you've eaten the fucking money, haven't you?" "Where's the fucking money, Fat Bloke?" "Where's the fucking money?" "You eaten it, haven't you?" "Eh?" "Where's the fucking money." "Back off, you." "Piss off." "Where's the fucking...?" "Where's the fucking money, eh?" "Do you know?" "Shrek, is it buried in the swamp?" "Where's the fucking money?" "You don't know." "You're batting way above your average, mate." "That's extraordinary." "Do you...?" "Eh, look at this, eh?" "Do you know where the fucking money is?" "Beautiful, innit, eh?" "Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah." "Beautiful." "Like a coconut." "Fantastic." "You don't know where the money is, do you, mate?" "Simon, where's the fucking money?" "Let's all ask him." " Yeah?" "Where's the fucking money?" " (All) Where's the fucking money?" " Again!" "Where's the fucking money?" " (All) Where's the fucking money?" "You don't know, do you?" "The banks are running round, going, "Where's the fucking money?" ""l don't know where the fucking money is."" "They call head office. "We don't know where the fucking money is, old chap." ""Though some of it's in my bonus."" "They ring the call centre." "(Indian accent) "We do not know where the fucking is."" "(Cheering)" "And the last place the money's going to be is fucking india." "Now, the point is..." "No one knows where the money is, no one knows." "Dave, you don't know." "Fella here, with the tragic hair." "What's...?" "(Blowing)" "(Spluttering)" " What's your name, pal?" " Lloyd." "Lloyd?" "Course it fucking is." "(Spluttering)" " What do you do for a living, Lloyd?" " l run a health shop." "You run a health shop." "Course you fucking do." ""Yeah, it's essential fish oil in my hair."" "Do you know where the money is, Lloyd?" "No one knows where the money is." "And the banks are running round like headless chickens." "They've gone to Gordon Brown, the banks have gone to Gordon Brown to ask for help." "Now, I don't do impressions, yeah?" "It doesn't say impressions on the ticket." "I don't do impressions, yeah?" "But they've gone to Gordon Brown." ""Where's the fucking money?"" "I don't do impressions." "I'm just trying to paint a picture for you." "Gordon Brown says, "0oh... (Scottish accent) "Hullo." Like that." "Told you, I don't do fucking impressions." ""What seems to be the problem?" "0h..."" "I told you, I don't do fucking impressions." "He's got one eye." "That'll help, won't it?" ""0h..." ""What seems to be the problem?"" "And he does that thing with his mouth." ""0h. 0h."" "Fuck it, let's go for it. "0h!" "0h!"" ""What seems to be the problem?" ""0h!" ""0h!" "What seems to be the problem?"" "And the banks go, "We've lost a load of fucking money!"" "Now, before Gordon Brown helps them out, let's just pause for one moment." "The banks have lost a load of money, haven't you?" "You've lost all this money." "Yeah but whose money is it the banks have lost?" "is it their money?" "No." "Whose money is it?" " (All) 0urs!" " 0ur money!" " Whose money is it?" " (All) 0ur money!" "So in order to rescue the banks, who've lost our fucking money," "Gordon Brown writes a cheque for 200 billion quid and whose money does he give them to replace our money that they lost?" "0ur money!" "So he's giving them our money to replace our money!" "But he hasn't got that 200 billion cos he spent it on health and safety and the 201 2 0lympics." " More on that later." " (Laughter)" "So what does he do?" "He borrows another 200 billion from a bank." "And whose money's in that bank?" "It's our money." "So he's borrowing our money to replace our money to replace our money." "And then to pay off the loan he's got to put up tax and that's our money!" "So he's going to take our fucking money to replace our fucking money to replace our fucking money to replace our fucking money." " You fucking wankers, eh?" " (Cheering)" "Eh?" "That, basically, is the credit crunch explained." "Now..." "Look at that." "Perfectly poured." "The truth is, though... lt's great having an old-timer here." "It's great to have your here, Pops." "0ne last night out, it's fucking beautiful." "Much younger new wife, nothing in common, nothing to talk about." ""Do you remember Elvis?" "l don't what you're talking about, stupid old bastard."" "It's a beautiful thing to have an elder and one of the youngsters here, the little scrote here, the boy." "is that your dad with you?" "No." "All right, fair play." "is this your gang?" "Are these your fucking...?" "Are these your gang?" "In orange?" "Which one...?" "Who drives the car?" "Who drives the car?" "Which one's the brains?" "0ne of you goes up and comes out the toilet in the post office, one of you's in the car outside, the other's in Starbucks, not taking any fucking risks." "Eh?" "Which one?" "Look at the four of them." "Look at it." ""lt's not me, it's fucking him." Eh?" ""l don't know what he's fucking told you but it weren't me."" "It's good to have these scrotes here and one of the elders of the parish." "You all right, lads, yeah?" "(Mimics dance beat)" "You're obsessed." "The point is... lt's good to have an old fella and these kids cos Great Britain's in crisis, we're living in broken fucking Britain." "And I look at these kids here, these boys off their face on glue, off their face on glue right now..." "Errrr." "Yeah." "With your Pritt Stick." ""l'm fucking high."" "The Tuesday night dancers, I look at them and this ogre in the front row, batting above his average." "Yeah?" "And a party organiser." "This country's fucked, let's be honest." "Yeah?" "And I ask myself, is this what Winston Churchill died for?" "Huh?" "is this why Winston Churchill laid down his life in the Second World War?" "is this...?" "is this what Lady Di was crying for, cos she could see this future?" "All these Tuesday night dancers, eh?" "is this why she was crying?" "Do you even know who I mean by Winston Churchill, lads?" " Yeah?" "Who was he, then?" " Prime minister." "Prime minister." "When?" " 1 939..." " 1 939." "No." "Have we got any teachers here tonight?" "Yeah. lt's your fault, love, this." "What's your name?" "The teacher." " Martine." " Martine?" "Beautiful British name." "Comes from the ancient Celtic for, "Wanted a boy called Martin but got a girl."" "Tell me..." " Martine, what age group do you teach?" " Primary." "Primary. "Fuck off, miss." All that, yeah?" ""Fuck off, I know my rights." "Fuck off."" "This boy should know this stuff and I blame you personally." "Churchill was prime minister in the Second World War, which ran from September 1 939 to May 1 945," "August 1 945 in the Japanese theatre." "Churchill was prime minister from May 1 0th 1 940 to 1 945 and led his country to victory against the Germans, yeah?" " (Cheering)" " See, I've just done... I've just done more teaching in ten seconds flat that you have in your entire career, love." "Where's my 1 3 weeks annual fucking holiday, eh?" "Now, broken Britain..." "Now, the point is..." "But there are traces of the Blitz spirit." "Pops'll tell what that was." "He has to explain it to his wife." "The Blitz spirit..." ""What you talking about?" The Blitz spirit..." "was an amazing time, lads, when this country was being attacked by the Luftwaffe from on high and we carried on as though nothing was happening." "That's a fact." "Yeah?" "We carried on as though nothing was happening." "It's different to snow, obviously." "That's a day off work, come on." "inch of that stuff, I could slip over." "Fuck off." "Health and safety." ""School's been hit by a doodlebug." "l'm going in." Brilliant." "The point is..." "There are traces of the Blitz spirit." "British people stand their ground in times of crisis, don't we, Dave?" "The British working class stand their ground." "They say, "No!" ""Enough is enough!"" "They stand up to dictators, to fascists, to people with their petty rules." "They say, "No!" "Enough is enough." ""Go no further." "We live our lives the way we want to." ""Jamie 0liver, fuck off with your raw carrots."" " We want chips, don't we, yeah?" " (Cheering)" "What do we want?" "Chips!" "Yeah?" "Calls himself a cook, it's all fucking raw." "That is not cooking." "Yeah, chips is easy." "You get them out the freezer, you stick 'em in the oven." "He's not a chef." "Now, the point is..." "British working class people in times of crisis show guts and courage, don't we?" "They go further than anyone else if they have to." "In times of crisis, when things are really desperate, they'll even go so far as to kidnap their own children for profit." "(Laughter and booing) 0h, piss off. lt wasn't me." "I blame the parents." "And the uncle. it was him as well, wasn't it?" "Anyway, those weren't children." "They were a benefits-based pyramid scheme." " (Applause) - "Come on, love." ""Bang out a couple more, we can get a speedboat." Now, the point is..." "Used to have to go on Bullseye for an item like that." "The truth is... I want to help you tonight, though." "You're beautiful people." "You're beautiful people." "Every one of you." "The fella in the brown jacket." "What's your name?" " Jason." " Another Jason." " What do you do?" " l invent things." "You invent things?" "(Whooping)" "Fantastic." "What have you invented?" " Nothing yet." " Nothing yet." "(Laughter)" "Then we're all inventors, aren't we, you twat?" "Brilliant." "is this your missus or are you lying about that as well?" "Fantastic." "You're an inventor - how do we fix broken Britain, mate?" " Er, no, I haven't got a clue." " You haven't got a clue." "Well, I can tell you." "Cos I want to help you people tonight, you're beautiful people, I want to help you, right?" "Cos you might not know this but I want to help you achieve your full potential." "You might not know this, right, but this is a fact, yeah?" "Cos it's in the newspapers." "Human beings..." "And therefore it's true." "Human beings only use 1 0%/% of their brain power at any one time." "I don't know what the figures are for ogres." "But human beings... only use 1 0%/% of their brain power at any one time." "That's a fact." "Not only that, men and women are different." "Men..." "Yep, men!" "Men!" "Men!" "And... (Burbling noise) ..and women." "Women. lt's been a year." "Men and women are different." "A whole year." "Men and women are different, yeah?" "Cos men think with the right side of their brain." "That's a fact." "They think with the right side of their brain." "Let's hear all the men getting in touch with the thinking side of their brains." "Let's hear it, gents." "Right side, Dave, that's it." "Loud as you can, gents, loud as you can." "All the gentlemen, loud as you can." " Let's hear it." " (A few cheers)" "Listen to that, ladies." "The sound of men thinking." "Extraordinary." " Do that again, gents." "Do it again." " (Quiet slapping noise)" "Men thinking twice. incredible." "It happened here this evening." "Now, the point is..." "Yeah, there's actually 90%/% in there..." "You only use 1 0%/% of your brain at any one time." "There's 90%/% in there lurking, untapped." "90%/% of your brain, you never use." "Full of answers, explanations, philosophical conundrums solved." "Courage, passion, guts, determination, words to songs long forgotten, explanations, lurking in the 90%/%." "The 1 0%/% is like the tip of an iceberg, the 90%/% is like the other bit of the iceberg, so the 1 0%/% is... lt's the fucking tip of an iceberg." "The point is... how do we untap that 90%/%?" "How do we unleash our full potential as human beings?" "Well, I can tell you." "It's this stuff, innit?" "Eh?" "This is the encrypted password." "This is how you can achieve everything that you possibly can be, ladies and gentlemen." "With this stuff, eh?" "Because I see this in my pub every single day." "My regulars come in, Steve, Steve, Alan and Steve, they come in...from work." "Well, Steve doesn't work, he's got a bad back." "He drives a forklift for cash." "They get in from work...and they've got nothing to say to each other." "They're mute, silent cos of a hard day's graft." "They get one of these in them and the 90%/% activates and the words come forward." "After one pint, every man in this room knows exactly, yeah, how to coach England to World Cup glory." "That's a fact." "It's simple." "After two pints, every bloke in this room knows in what order to do Girls Aloud." "That's a fact." "You do the ginger one in the middle." "Everyone knows that." "You can't..." "You can't leave her till last." "You'd give up, wouldn't you?" "Then you wouldn't get the book stamped and you can't start with her cos you'll never get the engine running." "That's a fact." "There's not a man here who disagrees with me on that." "Well, obviously, fellas, yeah." "You probably play the desert island game." "Which if you had to." "Now, the point is... (Mimics dance music) You're obsessed." "The point is..." "After three pints, we can all out-drive Jenson Button." "After four pints, we can all out-sing Lionel Richie." "It's a fact." "Easy, yeah?" "0n the fifth pint, what happens is the torrent of information coming from your 90%/% part of your brain becomes so powerful, the flood of facts and words and information becomes so powerful, you actually begin to slur your words" "cos you can't get it all out in one go, can you?" "(Slurs) "There's so much to say if I can just fucking think of the..." ""Anyway, I love you."" "Now, point..." "By the seventh pint, you're doing so much thinking, your brain forgets about your body, completely." "By the eighth pint, you can't walk, cos you've got thinking to do." "By the ninth pint your bladder shuts down, control goes completely." "By the eleventh pint, you know what to do about the Spice Girls and Girls Aloud in a fabulous ten-woman erotic relay in which your penis is passed around like a meaty baton." "But tragically..." "Tragically, your genitals have closed down for the evening." "And by the twelfth pint, what's happened?" "The torrent of information from the 90%/% part of your brain is so enormous and so overwhelming, the 1 0%/% part of your brain starts to shut itself down in self-defence." "It closes itself down because there's so much to figure out and think about." "Shuts itself down to 1 0%/%, then down to half of that, which is of course 0.5%/%, the current interest rate, isn't it, Simon, you thieving fucking bastard?" "Pops has got to sell his house cos his pension's screwed, haven't you?" "Jane's got to go back to work." "Fortunately, she's young enough." "That 0.5%/% left within our brain, what is left after a full evening on the potential juice, that last bit of your brain that's left is of course the part of our brain that we share with pigeons." "Cos it contains the essential knowledge of how to get home." "That's right." "You can't argue with that, can you?" "That's brewer's logic." "(Cheering)" "So... I've got a small gift for Simon, though, just briefly. lt's a t-shirt." "It says, "Where's the fucking money?"" "In several denominations." "There's the pound, and the euro - over my dead body." "Here you go, mate." "You wear that to work on Monday, see if you can get some answers." "Those are available on the merchandise stand." " (Till rings)" " Now, the point is... lt's a pleasure drinking with you tonight." "It's great to have Pops here." "It's great to have you here, old man." "Cos I worry about these kids, these lads here, these scrotes, living in broken Britain right now." "Little Mike and his...and his homies." "is that right?" "Have I got that right?" "I don't fucking know. I don't care." "The point is... is they're growing up in a world unlike the world you grew up in." "They haven't got anything to look forward to." "You had stuff to look forward to, didn't you?" "Like World War Two, yeah?" "And Elvis, yeah?" "And the Beatles." "Stuff to look forward to, yeah?" "All the kids have got to look forward to growing up in Broken Britain today is the 201 2 0lympics." "Yeah." "Let's face it, it's gonna be a bit shit, isn't it?" "Let's be honest, now." "It's gonna be a bit shit cos last year, 2008, was brilliant, wasn't it?" "Cos the Chinese, the Chinese, the Chinese, the Chinese... (Screeches) The Chinese!" "The Chinese!" "(Low) The Chinese, the Chinese!" "The Chinese!" "The Chinese, the Chinese." "The Chinese did an amazing job, didn't they?" "It's incredible what you can do with no human rights and a billion slave labourers." "The simple truth is..." "We on the other hand, have free speech and shit facilities but at least I'm allowed to say that." "Now, the point is... 201 2 0lympics is gonna be a bit shit if we're honest now, yeah?" "And there are some people say, "At least we got it and not Paris. lsn't that better?"" "Well, I disagree." "Do we really want to bankrupt this country for the sake of winning one bicycle race?" "I don't fucking think so." "We haven't even got the money cos Simon's fucking lost it, you bastard." "The 201 2 0lympics are gonna be a bit shit." "Don't get me wrong." "We should host the 0lympics at some point, us, the British." "Let's not forget it was us, the British, who invented the 0lympics in the first place." "Yes, we did." "Us, the British, we invented the 0lympics about 1 20 years ago with the French." "We invented the 0lympics." "What happened was, we sat the French down and we said, "Now, listen, Jean-Francois," yeah?" ""We are friends now as a result of us having defeated you in war" ""over and over again..."" " (Cheering) - "..and good friends."" "0h, yeah. 0n our own, with no help from no one else." ""Good friends...do things together, don't they?" "What would you like to do?"" "And the French went and said, "C'est incroyable!" "Les Anglais..." ""C'est incroyable!" "Je ne crois pas!" "C'est incroyable!" ""Les Anglais..." "Eh, Jean-Baptiste, viens ici, viens ici." ""lls veulent faire quelque chose avec nous!"" ""Qu'est-ce que c'est?" "Les Anglais...?" ""C'est incroyable, c'est impossible."" ""Non, vraiment, ils veulent faire quelque chose! " "Qu'est-ce qu'ils veulent faire?"" ""Allez, viens, viens, demandez, maintenant!" "Vite, vite, vite." "Allez, allez." "Demandez!"" ""Allez, maintenant." "Une seconde." "J'irai maintenant et demande aux Anglais."" "Like that." " Now, that..." " (Cheering)" "That, of course..." "Thank you." "That, ladies and gentlemen... is easily the hardest part of this show to perform because I have to place myself inside the mind of a Frenchman." "0h!" "It's not nice in there." "Now, the point is..." "Filthy." "Now, the truth is..." "The English bloke was just winding the French up." "He didn't really want to do anything with them." "So the first thing that came into his head, to satisfy the French, he said, "Well, er, what shall we do together?" ""Er, well, you know how you lot" ""are really fond of running away from the sound of gunfire?" "Well..." ""What I thought we could do" ""is you all stand in a row and we fire a pistol." ""You're all gonna fucking scarper, aren't you, eh?" ""We'll paint some lines so you know which way to go." ""There'll be a bloke with a white flag at end to make you feel comfortable." ""What do you say?"" "And the French said, "Magnifique!" "Les Anglais veulent nous courir..."" ""Jean-Baptiste!" "lls veulent faire quelque chose avec nous." ""lls veulent courir tout ensemble, c'est magnifique!" "Ce n'est pas la guerre!"" "And as a result the 0lympics was born." "And over the years, it's mutated out of all recognition." "You've got other countries involved, you've got bizarre events now." "You've even got..." "you've even got, Third World athletes turning up in fucking footwear." "Now that..." "It's not the deal." "They manufacture the footwear, we wear the footwear, hey?" "What is the point in being much, much richer than them if they can wear the same fucking shoes as me?" "That is not how it works." "Back off, Brussels." "Now, the point is..." "Third World, bronze medal, that's how it works." "You can't even scatter drawing pins on the track to make sure you win." "The point is..." "The 201 2 0lympics, it's gonna be a bit shit." "Let's be honest, now." "Cos we can't do this stuff any more in broken Britain, can we?" "We just can't do it. ln Brown's Britain." "Let's not forget, in future years, historians will look back on this time and call it the Brown years, won't they?" "And they'll have a fucking point, won't they?" "The truth is..." "We're living in the Brown era, ladies and gentlemen." "The truth is, the 201 2 0lympics is gonna be shit because we can't do this stuff." "Health and safety will get hold of it, won't they?" "They'll put in ramps for the fucking hurdles, won't they?" "They'll do a risk assessment on the javelin." ""No way." "You're not throwing that." ""Event cancelled." "Put a cork on the end of it." "That's not happening."" ""Put that discus down." "Event cancelled."" "They'll fill in the swimming pool cos of risk of death from drowning and then... the teachers, Martine, you lot will pipe up and go, "0h, no, we can't have anyone winning any races. lt'll upset the others."" "I mean, for fuck's sake." " (Cheering)" " You mark my words." "That's exactly what will happen." "That's my prediction. it will happen." "It's gonna be a bit shit." "The truth is..." "My main problem with 201 2, though, and I'm sure it's the same one that you have, is that we were never asked." "The British public were never consulted." "They just went ahead and booked it." "They booked the thing without consulting you and me, yeah?" "And I've developed a reflex action so I can claw something back, yeah?" "Have my say every now and again and it's this." "Every time I hear the words 201 2 0lympics, I mutter to myself, "lt's gonna be a bit shit," right?" "I feel warm inside." "I feel as though I've spoken." "I feel as though justice has been done." "Try it, it feels great." "I'll say "201 2 0lympics", and you mutter to yourselves, "lt's gonna be a bit shit."" "Trust me, you'll feel fantastic." "Here we go. "The 201 2 0lympics."" " (All) lt's gonna be a bit shit." " Fantastic, eh?" "Feels good." "But do it quieter, this time." "Let's do it at a level that if someone says "201 2 0lympics,"" "and you go, "lt's gonna be a bit shit," they go, "What's...?" "Did you hear that?"" "And we undermine it gradually." "Try it, here we go, yeah?" " "The 201 2 0lympics." - (Man shouting) I admire your enthusiasm, mate..." "We're gonna take it right down." "Here we go. "201 2 0lympics."" " (Almost inaudible muttering)" " Beautiful!" "Eh?" "You've nailed that." "Eh?" "Because what I'm trying to do is start a common sense revolution across this country, using 90%/% of the brain, logical booze thinking." "A common sense revolution for ordinary people, where we finally say what we want to say but quietly so no one's bothered by it." "That's what I'm trying to do." "By the end of this tour, I will have spoken to 1 70,000 people." " (Whistling and cheering)" " By..." "Yeah." "By the end of the autumn, with the extra dates, which are now on sale, a quarter of a million." "A quarter of a million people." "And I'm trying to spread a revolution of common sense." "I'm trying to get a quarter of a million people to the point where whenever they hear the words "201 2 0lympics"" "they mutter to themselves, "lt's gonna be a bit shit." Wherever they are." "Whatever they're doing." "So we can have our say, yeah?" "You're driving to work, it comes on the radio, like that." ""The 201 2 0lympics." "lt's gonna be a bit shit." Hm?" "Say, Dave, you're sent to guard the 201 2 0lympics, yeah?" "Guard the 201 2 0lympics, Dave." ""lt's gonna be a bit shit," like that." "Wherever you are, whatever you're doing." "Say it's a special Tuesday night 201 2 0lympics disco, eh?" "Nathan, Robert and Nathan." "(Mimics dance music)" "You've got to go in running shoes and running shorts." ""lt's gonna be a bit shit, Nathan."" "Yeah." "Say they come to drain the swamp, Shrek, to build a velodrome." ""Get out of my swamp!" Like that." ""lt's for the 201 2 0lympics." "0h, it's gonna be a bit shit." Wherever you are..." "Say a mini cab is called for the 201 2 0lympics." ""Let's get a cab out to the 201 2 0lympics." ""lt's gonna be a bit shit." Like that." "As a result, you don't get the job, eh?" "Say, Pops, you're in a home, if you live that long." "You're in the home and it comes on the TV." "They say, "Now it's time for the 201 2 0lympics."" "You go, "lt's gonna be a bit shit."" ""Here's Steve Rider with the 201 2 0lympics." "lt's gonna be a bit shit."" ""lt's the first time he's spoken in two years. lt's fucking amazing."" "Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, yeah, I want you to mutter, "lt's gonna be a bit shit," when you hear the words and we can start a common sense revolution from this very room tonight." "In fact, put your hands on your hearts now and swear the oath of allegiance." "Repeat after me, I hereby do solemnly swear... (All) I hereby do solemnly swear..." " That every time I hear the words..." " That every time I hear the words..." " ..the 201 2 0lympics..." " ..the 201 2 0lympics..." " .." "I shall mutter unto myself..." " .." "I shall mutter unto myself..." " ..it's gonna be a bit shit." " ..it's gonna be a bit shit." " So help me God." " So help me God." " Fantastic, eh?" "A revolution." " (Cheering)" "The revolution starts here, ladies and gentlemen." "Eh, Pops, Pops, do you want a cup of tea, old man?" "Do you want a cup of tea?" "Let me get you a cup of tea, old fella." "Let me get you a cup of tea, eh, you sorry old bastard." "Let me get you a cup of tea." "There you go, old man." "There you go." "And two biscuits, look at that." "Well, not under New Labour, just the one biscuit." "Here, Jane, come and get it, love." "Trot along, sweetheart." "No, sit down, Pops, you're too old." "Sue, come on, Sue, come and get his cuppa." "Come on, love." "That's it." "She's always running errands for him." "There we go." "(Cheering and whistling)" "Fantastic." "You're beautiful, sweetheart." "Fantastic." "Nice work, old man." "Now, the point is..." "these are difficult times." "I mean, these kids." "Look at them." "0ff their tits." "Addicted to glue." "Staples. I don't know." "Now..." "And other stationery products." "Looking at you..." "Lads, there's no role models any more, are there?" "There's no role models, that's the problem." "I mean, Prince Harry." "What sort of role model is Prince Harry?" "All that proves is that all Germans are racist." "And then..." " (Whistle)" " Footballers." "What sort of role models are footballers?" "That Ronaldo." "What sort of role model is Ronaldo, ladies and gentlemen?" " (Booing)" " Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Exactly." "I mean, that man, that man, he can trip over a blade of grass, can't he?" "And he goes down. "l am critically injured!" ""l have broken my knee." ""We deserve five penalties for this."" "Stretchered off." "Yeah?" "And then he can crash a Ferrari and walk away totally unscathed." "What sort of role model... of honesty and probity is that for a child?" "And I worry about these kids." "Pops, I'm sure you do, worry about them." ""0h?"" "I worry about them growing up in a world, the modern world, a world without any wonder or mystery in it." "There's no wonder in the world any more, thanks to science." "Science is ruining everything by explaining everything, yeah?" "Fuck off, nerds, that's what I'm saying." "We do not need a scientific explanation of something to understand it." "This is all you need know about gravity." "That's it." "You don't need to know... ..another fucking thing." "You don't need to know any quantum blah, blah or Newtonian blah, blah, relativity, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." "You just need to know that what goes up must come down." "Not as often as it used to, of course, old man, but that's not the point." "Have a biscuit, get your strength back." "Now, the point is... I mean, we all like a bath." "Everyone likes a bath." "We don't need to know that water is two parts hydrogen, one part of oxygen." "We just need to know if we can reach the taps with our toes." "(Chuckling)" "Fuck off, nerds." "The point is, we're living in a world without wonder or mystery." "In the ancient world, the time of the Romans..." "And the Romans were incredible people." "The Romans are history's greatest mystery cos they conquered the world despite being Italian." "No one has explained that." "It remains unexplained." "And the Romans were extraordinary." "History fact for you, Dave, here's a history fact for you." "History fact for you, young man, history fact!" "History fact." "You might not know this." "Romans used to clean their teeth with twigs." "But twigs dipped in piss, yeah?" "That's disgusting, innit?" "It also makes Gladiator into a very different film, doesn't it?" "Next time you watch it, if everyone's breath smells of piss, it's not quite so noble." ""My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius." ""commander of the armies of the north," ""general of the Felix legions" ""and loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius," ""father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife." ""And I will have my vengeance in this world and the next."" "(Sniffing)" ""0h, no, my breath smells of fucking piss."" "The point is..." "I don't do impressions." "The truth is..." "There used to be Seven Wonders in the Ancient World, yeah?" "Everyone should know what they are." "You need to know this for pub quizzes." "Seven Wonders of the Ancient World." "Anyone?" " (Shouting)" " The Pyramids, that's right." "Number one." "The Great Pyramid at Giza." " (Shouting)" " The Hanging Gardens of Babylon." "That's right." "The world's first ever pub garden with a swing and a sand pit with golden dog shit in it and parking space for three cars." " (Shouting)" " Yeah, the Colossus of Rhodes." "The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus, the Temple of Artemis at Ephesus, the statue of Zeus at 0lympus and the lighthouse at Alexandria." "Seven Wonders of the Ancient World." "Now, we've just got two wonders, haven't we?" "There used to be three and then they told us who the fucking Stig was." "And the two wonders are, of course, where's the fucking money, Simon?" "And the second wonder of the modern world is which one's Ant and which one's Dec?" "Cos no one knows, do they, eh?" "Two Geordie hobbits." "0h, they look different, yeah, but we don't know which one's fucking which." "And don't you tell me Ant's the one on the right, yeah?" "Whose right?" "My right?" "0r the telly's right?" "0r his right?" "We don't fucking know." "The cameraman doesn't know cos he only shows both of them." "They say, "Get a picture of Dec." He goes, "l don't know which one it is."" "I personally think there's only one of them and he's stood next to a funfair mirror that stretches his forehead." ""Reet, we're gannin' over to see what's happening doon in camp."" ""Aye." That's that solved." "Now, the truth is..." "We live in difficult times, yeah?" "I mean, little Mike, here, running wild." "Disrespecting me, giving me fucking lip the whole time." "In front of his bitches." "And I..." "Sorry, lads." "And I... I mean, I ask myself, do you even believe there's a God, son?" "Course you don't." "You do, don't you, Pops?" "It's time to make your mind up, anyway." "A decision's in order, old man." "The point is..." "Not long now." "The truth is...you don't believe in God, Mike, but you need to." "And I can prove there's a God for you tonight." "I will prove there's a God to your satisfaction." "I won't use vicar bollocks or Bible blah blah." "I will use 90%/%-of-the-brain booze logic, British common sense to prove there's a God, right?" "It's obvious there's a fucking God." "Not only that, it's obvious that he's British, right?" " (Cheering)" " That's why we don't..." "Yeah, of course he is." "That's why we don't have earthquakes in this country." "You don't shit on your own doorstep, do you?" "The point is..." "Jesus was born in Bethnal Green." "Come on, it's all there." "Judge a man by the company he keeps." "Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Pete, Steve, Alan, Geoff, Nigel." "No one knows where Barnabas was from." "I reckon he was a plasterer brought in from Poland for just one job... cos he was quick and clean and did a better job for less money." "But then he stuck around..." "Anyway, long story." "Point is..." "Jesus was great." "He threw a fantastic party, didn't he?" "That Last Supper is the greatest stag night of all history." "It wasn't really a stag night cos he was gonna die rather than get married but to a man's close friends, it's pretty much the same deal." "A church service, a lot of speeches about what a great bloke he used to be and then you never see the fucker again cos his life..." " (Whistling) - ..is over, it's ended, it's finished." "Now, the point is..." "And the Last Supper's a top night." "Jesus gets up. "l love you lads." "Have a pint and some crisps, it's on me."" "Normal regular bloke, blah blah." "Beautiful, yeah?" "But then at the end of the evening, the bill arrives." "The bill arrives, yeah?" "And Luke goes, "Well, I didn't have any pudding." ""Piss off. I'm not..." "Come off it."" "Then Thomas gets hold of the bill and he doesn't believe a word of it." "And Barnabas had a whole bottle red wine but didn't tell anyone." "Like that." "They're arguing about whether he's from Lithuania or Estonia." "Judas gets up and goes, "l'm flush, I'll get it, leave it to me. lt's on me."" "Guilty conscience, of course." "Jesus knew Judas was going to betray him cos the clue's in the fucking name." "It's obvious, innit, eh?" "Bloke called Judas is gonna stitch you up, isn't he, eh?" "Brian, you got any mates called Judas?" "Course not." "You don't fucking trust them." "Proves itself." "The truth is this." "God obviously exists." "He's British, we've established that easily, right?" "He's obviously British, yeah?" "And I can prove he exists, little Mike, and I'll prove it tonight, yeah, not using vicar waffle or Bible blah blah." "I'm going to prove it with common sense reasoning from the 90%/% part of my brain." "I'm going to prove it not once, not twice but three times and each time, you're going to be so overwhelmed, you're going to stand up on your feet, turn to this audience and say, "l believe!" as loud as you can." "Yeah?" "Let's have a rehearsal, son." "0n your feet." "Up you get." "Go on." "0n your feet." "Say, "l believe." Go on, boy." " l believe!" " As loud as you can." "Go on." " l believe!" " The boy believes." "He's got some guts, that lad, but you need courage to do a post office, don't you?" "Now, the point is..." "The point is this. I can prove there's a God." "I see proof of God's existence every single day." "I see it in the birth of a tiny child, I see it in the birth of a slightly bigger child." "When a very large child is born, I begin to have my doubts, I'll admit it." "That's not coming out of there, is it?" "Blimey." "That's a design fault, surely?" "Yeah, well, don't complain, darling." "You're the one who wanted a baby." "The point is this." "The truth is this." "Ever had a baby born in a mini cab?" ""There's a baby in number two." "There's a baby."" "Do you think you might be an ambulance controller one day, Jase?" "0ne day, "Ambulance to number 42." Do you think you could do that?" "I used to be an ambulance driver. I tell you how I got the job. I was half an hour late." "Walked in, they went, "You're just the bloke we're looking for." "Well done."" "I said, "Sorry, I got stuck in traffic." "He's done his homework, hasn't he?"" "The point is... I can prove there's a God for you now, right?" "Cos I see proof of God's existence in the miracle of creation, in the beauty of a butterfly flapping his wings in the sunshine, the dolphin cresting the wave." "I see it in the rapid rate of mutation in the swine flu virus, I see it in that little fish that swims up your piss, goes through your body and comes out your eyeball." "Proof of God." "But mainly, I know there's a God every time I look in the sky and see a jumbo jet flying through the sky." "0ne of God's true miracles." "Cos I know nothing about physics, I don't wanna know." "Fuck off, nerds." "I know nothing about lift, thrust, drag, aerodynamic coefficients between different aerofoil surfaces and thrust vectors." "I don't know about any of that bollocks, I've never even heard of any of it." "But..." "What I do know is that common sense tells me there's no way whatsoever a jumbo jet could get off the ground." "It's too heavy, innit?" "Look, I'm too heavy to fly." "Look, I'm trying." "Come on!" "Come on!" "I'll give it a run up." "Come on!" "Fly, you bastard, fly!" "Eh?" "Lads, Nathan, Robert, Nathan, try and fly, lads, try and fly." "Fly, boys." "Get up and try and fly." "Come on, get up and try and fly." "That's it." "Go on, lads." "Go on, lads." " Fly, boys, fly!" " (Cheering and whistling)" "A worthy effort, fellas, but you see, even the fairies can't get airborne." "You're obsessed. I... I'm too heavy to fly, you lads are too heavy to fly, Fat Bloke, you're too heavy to fly." "0h, you drop." "You fucking drop." "We're all too heavy to fly." "We'll happily get in an aeroplane with a load of other people who are too heavy to fly with a load of luggage and petrol and food and cinema fucking screens and still expect this 400-ton metal monster to get off the fucking ground." "Common sense tells you a jumbo jet cannot fly, not without divine intervention." "This is where God comes in." "That jumbo gets to the end of the runway... (Makes taxiing noise)" " Like that." " (Whistling engine noise)" "(Noise drops away)" "Like that." "I don't do impressions." "And prepares...for takeoff." "And it's at that moment that God, who's up in heaven, which is in the sky, up, somewhere..." "Not in the blue bit, though, or we'd be able to see him." "So in the dark bit, the black bit." "He hides, probably behind the moon." "That's why the moon's so close so he can keep an eye on things." "He's there... (lnane chuckling)" ""0oh, that was close." "He nearly saw me." "I love it, though, I love it." ""l love being God, it's brilliant."" "(Chuckles) "Lightning, lightning." "0oh, that was close." "Sorry, dear." ""Mm, earthquake." ""l love it!"" "And it's at that moment when the jumbo gets to the end of the runway that God hears a sound coming from the aeroplane." "And he's reminded of something." "He's reminded of a promise he made to mankind." "A promise he made to all of humanity, a pact he has with you and me." "A promise he made in haste but because he's British, as we have proved several times over, a promise he's got to stick to cos he's a decent fucking bloke by virtue of being British." "A promise he made." "Cos he hears a sound coming from the aeroplane." "Not the sound of the mighty engines powering up but the sound of incessant, fervent praying." ""Please, God, make this plane fly." "Please, it's too fucking heavy." ""l don't want to end up in the fence at the end of the runway on fire." ""Please make it fly." "Please, God, I love you. I'll be good." ""Please, please." "Amen." "Bye." Like that." "And that's just the crew." "Now, God hears this sound... ..and he's reminded of a promise he made to all of us... ..on December 1 7th 1 903." "Cos on December 1 7th 1 903, God was up in heaven, right, behind the moon, listening to the earth in his almighty right ear." "Beep, beep, beep, beep." "Like that." "And he could hear a sound coming from the middle of America, the sound of two men arguing." "He looked down to see what it was." "He saw two blokes in a field next to a strange machine, a machine made of paper and balsa wood with an engine on the back, a propeller." "And he could hear these two blokes arguing about whether it could fly and they were really getting stuck into each other, really yelling." "And he looked down and he said, "That's not gonna fly, it's too fucking heavy." ""lt's got wings but they don't flap." "It's pathetic." ""They've got all those birds flying around as a clue." "What a waste of a week."" "And the Wright brothers were getting properly stuck into each other and were about to kill each other." "The Wrights were having a proper ding-dong." ""No!" "Fuck you, 0rville Wright!" ""There's no motherfucking way this plane's going to fly." ""You're a motherfucking fool, 0rville." "This plane ain't gonna fly." ""You've invented a piece of shit."" ""Fuck you, Wilbur. lt's gonna fly." ""l'm gonna see this plane fly round this prairie," ""land here and kick your ass."" ""Fuck you!" "Momma said you was a fool." "Poppa said you was a fool." ""l seen a horse fly, I seen a house fly, why, I've even seen an elephant fly" ""but ain't no fool getting on that motherfucking plane."" "Brothers." "Now." "(Cheering and whistling) I don't do impressions but for all we know, that's a really good one." "God heard this..." "God heard this and thought, "l'm gonna have to step in."" ""l'll make the thing fly." And he didn't think through the consequences." "Cos he reached down with his almighty right hand, picked up the aeroplane and carried it round the prairie, turning his hand invisible." " And carried it round." " (Spluttering noise)" " "Holy shit." - (Spluttering)" "(Spluttering falters)" "(lmitates propeller slowing down)" "Pwee!" "(Whistling)" ""Now who's the fool, motherfucker?"" "And as a result, humanity achieved its first ever heavier-than-air powered flight but God had snookered himself, hadn't he?" "Cos from that moment on, every aeroplane that works the same way he's got to make fly or he's letting everyone down." "And that's why the 20th century turned to shit, cos God was too busy juggling aeroplanes, all day, every day." "He's up there all the time." "Heathrow." ""Jesus, it's fucking..."" "Gatwick as well." ""Cor, it's busy this afternoon." ""Fucking EasyJet are taking the piss this week." ""Jesus!" ""Stansted. 0oh, hang on a minute." "hang on a minute." ""City airport." "Just the one." "There we go." ""Back to the serious ones."" "Juggling, all day, every day." "That's God, moving in a mysterious way." "And this is why we won the Battle of Britain cos God, being British, was dropping German aeroplanes on the sly." " (Whistling)" " Stuka." "Messerschmitt." "Job done." "And the proves the existence of God." "Doesn't it, young man?" "0n your feet, Mike." "Turn to this audience and say, "l believe."" "Up you get, boy." "Do it!" "Do it!" " l believe!" " He believes!" " (Cheering)" " The boy believes." "I didn't promise you one proof, or two." "I promised you three." "Here's the second." "I can prove the existence of God, not using a big metal bird, yeah, but with one simple thing." "Bacon." "Bacon proves the existence of God." "It proves his infinite wisdom and his infinite mercy, cos bacon is the greatest food in the world." " (Cheering)" " Cos bacon... has saved all of your lives." "Cos bacon is a miracle food." "Everyone loves bacon." "Even the vegetarians love bacon." "No matter how much they deny it, their hearts beat for bacon." "(Mimics heart beating)" "Ba-con, ba-con, ba-con, ba-con, ba-con." "Cos bacon is a miracle food." "Jesus died on a Friday, rose again on a Sunday." "Very impressive achievement, can't take it away from him, give him a biscuit." "But..." "Bacon means you can kill yourself with alcohol on a Friday night and then be fully resurrected Saturday morning with just one bacon sandwich." "(Cheering)" "And we've all had that Friday night, yeah?" "Where you get home on the 0.5 pigeon part of your brain." "You get the front door open, you slam it behind you and tear off your clothes cos of the raging fire of dehydration that comes from drinking too much fluid that science cannot explain, you useless fucking nerds." "At this point, the right side of your body shuts down, you collapse to the floor and drag yourself through the hall towards the stairs, like a beached walrus." "(Grunting and groaning)" "Carpet burn down the right side of your body." "You haul yourself up the stairs." "(Grunting and thudding)" "Drag yourself across the landing towards the bathroom, snagging your ear on the piece of metal that separates the carpet from the lino." ""0h, fuck!"" "You squeak your burned and bloody body across the bathroom floor towards the toilet." "Whack your head against the base of the toilet." "Pause for a moment, gather your strength, regain your senses and then begin the perilous assault on the rim of the bog." "(Whimpering)" "You feel the cold ceramic kiss against your face." "You stare down into the liquid abyss." "A pork scratching falls out your nose." "The stale piss water splashes back onto your face." "You start to drool uncontrollably into the Toilet Duck." "It activates the Toilet Duck, the fumes rise from the Toilet Duck into your eye." "You cry bitter, salty tears back into the Toilet Duck." "You're caught in a cycle of endless chemical pain." "A single bead of hot sweat runs from your neck down your back and nestles between your buttocks." "You do one of those farts that could go either way." "(Farting)" "(Hissing noise)" "No real way of knowing until you check with your hands in the morning." "You shake, you shudder, you shiver." "Hot sweat, cold sweat, hot sweat, cold sweat." "For ten seconds, you forget who you are." "(Mouths)" " You do an acid red wine reflux burp." " (Audience groaning)" "But you swallow it back down." "Cos you know you're in for a day of it if you unleash the puke beast." "And then, and only then, you begin the arduous, perilous and disgusting process of passing out with your face on the rim of a toilet." "(Snoring)" "(Retching)" "What...?" "Where the fuck...?" "I love you." "Can't you see that?" "You sleep fitfully for three and a half hours." "Bizarre dreams of an ogre chasing you through a swamp." "Three men stood next to a pink light in nothing but running shoes." "(Mimics dance beat)" "And an inventor who's invented nothing, eh?" "But then in the morning the miracle begins." "The magic starts." "Down in the kitchen, your loved one, your husband, your wife, your carer... your sergeant-major, one of the lads you met on Tuesday night, gets out a frying pan and puts that frying pan on the gas" "and then puts some bacon on and the bacon begins to sizzle and begins to splutter and the life-giving aroma leaps from the pan and darts across the kitchen, spreads out and makes its way into the hall, patrols the hall, seeking out hungover life forms, wherever they may be." "Darts its way up the stairs, across the landing, avoiding the strip of metal that separates the carpet from the lino." "Battles its way through the fart fug." "Dodges the Toilet Duck and sees you, beholds you there, lying face down on the toilet, a booze zombie, a burned-out husk of a human being." "A piece of wreckage, your skin like a rhino's fetid, salty hide, your bollocks like bricks wrapped in sandpaper, scraping against each other." "Slightly different for the ladies, I expect." "The only thing marking you out as a product of human civilization is the words Armitage Shanks imprinted the wrong way round on your forehead." "And the bacon sees you and the bacon knows." "It knows who you are and why it spent three years living as a piglet on this earth." "Why it's been sent." "Why it's been sent." "It's been sent to save you, to bring you back from the dead." "And as you breathe your last three breaths... (Wheezing and gasping)" "The bacon darts up your nose, into your brain and touches the bacon receptor at the base of your brain stem, which refires the whole of your brain and your body and bacon force passes through your body, from your fingertips to your toes" "and thanks to the bacon, God's greatest gift of all, you are back!" "And that proves it. 0n your feet, son, and say it. "l believe." Do it, boy." "0n your feet." "Up you get, boy." "That's it." "Mikey!" " (inaudible)" " He believes!" "The boy believes." "Bacon proves the existence of God." "But I didn't offer you one proof, mate, or two." "I offered you a third." "Three proofs." "And bacon proves the existence of God because it demonstrates his amazing sense of humour." "Because God has a sense of humour, a British sense of humour, the greatest sense of humour in the world." " That's a fact." " (Man) Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Exactly." "Yeah." "That's why we got Fawlty Towers, not the Germans." "They wouldn't have liked it, would they?" ""Diese hotel ist sheiss." Hm?" ""Unglaublich" That would've been it." "Now, the point is..." "No German word for funny, that's a fact." "No German word for sorry, either, but 1 4 different words for attack." "It's all in here, let me tell you." "Now, the point is..." "Bacon proves the existence of God because it demonstrates his amazing sense of humour." "Perfectly poured. lt demonstrates..." "Yeah?" "Cos God gave us bacon, his greatest gift of all, that saved the lives of every man, woman and child in this building tonight and then, as a top-flight British practical joke, he didn't allow his Chosen People to eat it." "You bastard, hey?" "0n your feet, son." "That proves it." "Up you get." "Say, "l believe." Do it, boy." "Up you get." "Give it everything you've got, little man." " l believe!" " l believe!" "Like that, son. I believe." "The boy believes." "So I've proved the existence of God." "Now I want to offer you scrotes some moral guidance." "Hm?" "Some golden rules to live by." "Mike, do you know what you want to do when you grow up?" "No?" "Well, it doesn't matter cos the golden rules I'm going to give you now mean you will be happy and successful in your life, trust me." "Cos the old golden rule, that you should love your neighbour as yourself, don't work, thanks to resident parking permits." "You used to park outside your house, he used to park outside his house." "Now he's got a permit that allows him to park outside your house, he does." "Then you get into a long-running dispute and you stuff toilet roll up his exhaust and his pigeons die of carbon monoxide poisoning." "This is a hypothetical situation I'm dealing with in the law courts... that I'm not allowed to speak about." "Now, the point is... I want to offer you two golden rules." "The first golden rule is this." "Never be too keen." "Right?" "If you're too keen, mate, people will think you're a wanker. lt's gonna happen." "Yeah?" "Whereas, if you bump along the bottom and do the bare minimum, people will think you're a great bloke, especially if you buy your round." "It's that easy. lf you're too keen, people think you're a wanker." "Now..." "That's the wanker gesture I'm using there." "You've all seen that." "You've seen that, haven't you, Graham?" ""You wanker, that party was shit."" ""Canapes were disgusting." "You wanker." Yeah?" ""Where's my cab, you wanker?" You've heard that." "But that's the male wanker gesture." "Now, there is in fact another one of these gestures, right?" "It isn't seen very often but it does exist, right?" "It's the female equivalent, right, of the male wanker. lt does exist." "It very rarely gets seen because there's no call for it, obviously." "Cos ladies are ladies but it does exist and I'd like to demonstrate it for you now." "I'm not just offering these boys moral guidance, I'm here to educate and this is the female equivalent of the male wanker gesture and it goes a little bit like this." "Look and learn, here we go." "Right, stand by." "(Clears throat)" "(Laughter)" "(Mouths)" "(Whistles Match 0f The Day)" "(Continues whistling)" "(Mouths)" "(Grunts)" "Relax!" "(Spits)" "(Mouths)" "(Kissing noise)" "(Audience shouting encouragement)" "(Shouting and whistling)" "(Applause and cheering)" "Like that." "That's how it goes." "Basically, I'm saying, son, don't be too keen or she'll expect it all the time." "There's football to watch." "Now, the point is..." "Look at that." "Perfectly poured." "But if you want to do well... in broken Britain today, little Mike, all you need, mate, the real golden rule, is to be lucky." "Be lucky if you want to do well." "You don't need to work hard or try hard, you don't need talent or effort, you just need to be lucky." "Cos Great Britain isn't run by the old people, cos they fucked it up, it's not run by the army, cos the boots melt, yeah?" "It's not run by the teachers cos they're hopeless." "0r the ogres or the bankers, cos they fucked it." "This country is currently run by celebrities." "And to be a celebrity nowadays you don't need talent, skill or ability, you just need to be lucky, don't you?" "I mean, I know all about this cos l've got a hit lTV1 chat show," "Al Murray's Happy Hour, Friday night at 1 0, lTV1 ." "And as a result I get to meet celebrities the whole time and there's never been a bigger bunch of feckless knuckleheads and chancers ever to drag this country down, eh?" "If you want to do well, mate, be lucky, that's all it takes." "And I'd like to show you, demonstrate this for you now, how important luck is in modern life, with the thing I like to call The Lucky List." "Here it comes." "Now, first on the Lucky List is this man, Mr Louis Walsh." "Now, Louis Walsh is many things but principally, he's lucky." "He's not handsome, he can't string a sentence together, he knows nothing about music, he can't carry a tune even if you stapled it to his hands and stuck him in a taxi." "And somehow he's ended up rich and famous because he is, principally, lucky." " What is he, everyone?" "Lucky." " (All) Lucky." " Next on the list, this fella." "Paul Burrell." " (Booing)" " Wanker!" " Yeah, thank you, sir." "A wanker." "An incredible act of thought projection there, sir." "Brilliant." "Yeah." "He's lucky, isn't he?" "Lucky." "Right place, right time and he got away with it." "Incredible." "Lucky." "But he's other things, too, isn't he?" "He's a parasite." "A leech." "She was a candle in the wind." "Candle in the wind!" "Killed by a Frenchman." "That's murder." "Yeah, he's a bastard, that's what it boils down to." "Next, Westlife." ""0i believe 0i could fiol." Four tone-deaf, spud-faced chancers." "There's a game I like to play with this picture, not the game you're thinking of, lads, obviously." "You're obsessed. lt's called Which 0ne's The Most Gormless?" "is it Eeny, Meeny, Miny or Mo?" "It's Mo, innit?" "Let's face it." " (Till rings)" " Lucky." "The world's biggest covers band who get up for the key change at the end as a result of this man's intervention, who discovered Westlife in County Sligo, and turned them into the world's biggest covers band who get up for the key change at the end." "This is what Westlife looked like before their makeover." " (Till rings)" " Lucky." "Can't argue with that." "Next." "Yeah, well, they were lucky, weren't they?" "Every now and again he drops one, doesn't he?" "He's only human, God." "Nobody's perfect." "Could have gone the other way, couldn't it?" " (Toilet flushing)" " Like that." "Extremely lucky." "Now who's this man?" "Anyone know?" "Anyone know who this fella is?" "I'll tell you." "He's that bloke who got to marry Liz Hurley." "Lucky." "Extremely bloody lucky." "It's been a year." " Now, this..." "Yeah." " (Laughter and whistles)" "This moronic bleeder. I mean, look at him." "That's not luck, being married to her." "That's some kind of punishment for not having been good enough in a previous life." "As a dung beetle, he didn't eat enough shit." "Now, this..." "Why is Peter Andre on the Lucky List?" "I'll tell you why, because he's a chicken." "We had him booked to appear on Al Murray's Happy Hour, Friday night on lTV1 ." "And the day before, he chickened out, he said he wasn't coming on." "Which is lucky, cos l was going to tear him to fucking shreds." " Lucky." "Lucky." " (Applause)" "The Royal Family." "A round of applause, please, for the Royal Family." " (Cheers and applause)" " Here..." "They don't like it when I do this, though." "(Hums to himself)" "Queen Mum on the end, she was a candle in the wind as well." "The Royal Family are lucky." "Why?" "They're rich, they've got two birthdays each, so they've got more money as a result of extra birthday cash. lt's obvious." "They get the medals even though they don't go anywhere dangerous." "Right, Dave?" "Yeah." "But mainly they're lucky cos they're the only Germans anyone likes." " Big Bob, ladies and gentlemen." " (Cheering)" "(All) Big Bob, Big Bob, Big Bob, Big Bob, Big Bob, Big Bob." " And again." " (All) Big Bob, Big Bob," "Big Bob, Big Bob, Big Bob." "I can put you off, though." "Look at that. 0oh!" "We don't know where the money is but we know where the pies are." "In the left pie pouch there, chicken and mushroom, in the right pie pouch, steak and ale." " (Till rings)" " Lucky." "No talent but I gave him the job anyway." "Cos I can pay him in chips." "Next." "The French." " (Booing)" " Yeah, the French." "Why are the French on the list?" "This photograph was taken at a time when everyone looked like a painting." "I've had six of these." "I can explain anything." "The French are on here cos they're saucy." "That's a fact." "The French are saucy." "Now, that makes them lucky." "They actually see sex as something to enjoy, not mutter and snigger about." "Perverts!" "Now..." "Saucy makes them lucky." "Now, this is a picture of the French Revolution, tearing up the Ancien Regime, liberty, fraternity, equality, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." "And the whole time, this bird's got her tits out, cos the French... are saucy." "Now, Greg Rusedski." "Now, he looks like the Terminator now, doesn't he?" "(Mimics Terminator) "Jimmy Connors."" "Now, why is Greg Rusedski on the Lucky List?" "Well, he's lucky, cos point of fact, he's Canadian but we allowed him to play tennis for Great Britain, very generously." "And he instantly became our number one player, huh?" "Coincidence?" "No." "Now, the point is... it's also led to a thing sports fans call the Rusedski Paradox." "The Rusedski Paradox is this." "When winning at tennis, Greg Rusedski is British." "(Laughter)" "But when losing, he's that fucking Canadian, isn't he?" "The Rusedski Paradox." "And he played every single Wimbledon quarter final for Canada." "Now, Howard." "Where's the fucking money, Howard?" "(Whistling)" "He doesn't know but good luck to him." " And then there's me." " (Cheering)" "Now why am I on the Lucky List?" "I'll tell you why, yeah?" "Because I get to come to the 02 and you come to listen to me speak and it couldn't be any better than drinking with you on a Saturday night." "It's an honour and a privilege." " (Cheering) - lt doesn't get any better than this." "I am the luckiest man in the world." "It's all cos of this hit lTV1 chat show Friday night at 1 0," "Al Murray's Happy Hour." "And I got to meet my heroes." "Look at this." "Look at this." "I'm sung with Queen three times." "Incredible, eh?" "Lucky." "Extremely lucky, yeah?" "Yeah." "I've out-sung Des 0'Connor." "Wasn't difficult. I'd had four." "I've met Terry Vegetables." "I've had a pint with Ted Danson, the world's greatest barman." "Look at that. I've out-drummed Phil Collins." "Took him down." "I've been punched out by the Hit Man." "A rare picture of Mr Hatton conscious." "I've... (Booing)" "0h, not sure about that one." "That's old Captain Jack off Touch-Cloth." "(Mimics dance beat) I even met Buzz Aldrin, who went to the moon." "Extraordinary." "Twelve men have been, nine are still alive and I've met one." "I've met..." "I'm incredibly lucky." "I've also had more than my fair share of luck with top-flight showbiz totty." "Hey, Dita von Teese." "0h... 0h, my aching bollocks." "Yes, Myleene." "# Come on, Myleene # l said, come on... #" "That's a website, as it happens." "Basically... you send them..." "You send them 1 4 quid and he sends you a set of laminates." "Indestructible." "Ah, Rachel Stevens for the connoisseur." "Ah, there's a welcome in the valleys with Katherine Jenkins." "Fantastic." "Cor, Dawn French, definitely. 0oh." "Abi Titmuss, the world's greatest girlfriend." "She'll do anything for a plain chocolate Hobnob." "Lembit, fuck off." "Go on, hop it." "No, you're an oddball, piss off. 0ddball." "Hop it, hop it, go on." "Hop it, hop it, go on, piss off." "0h, the beautiful Miss Lumley, eh?" "Good to luck to her with the Gurkhas." "(Applause and cheering)" "And top of the shop itself," "Hollaby Willoughby." "(Wolf-whistles)" "Cos you need luck with the ladies, that's what I'm telling you." "And I'm not the only one who's had more than my fair share of luck with the ladies." "Look at that, eh?" "# Beauty and the Beast #" "And that concludes the Lucky List for this evening, ladies and gentlemen." " Job done." " (Applause and whistling)" "So..." "Don't be too keen and be lucky." "Golden rules." "Now... I've got to go now, ladies and gentlemen, time's running out." "I've got to go off so I can come back on for the encore." "That's how it works." "So if I do go off, I'm coming straight back on, so don't fuck about, right?" "Beautiful people." "And I want to leave you with a message of hope, cos we've done everything." "We've proved there's a God for the boys here, we've shown some moral guidance." "We've found out where the fucking money is." "He doesn't know." "We've even dealt with the issue of the 201 2 0lympics." " (Quiet muttering)" " Beautiful." "We've started a revolution tonight, a common sense revolution." "And I want to leave you with a message of hope, a message of hope, a parable from the British pub." "A parable from the pub." "A message of hope." "Yeah." "Yeah, lads?" "A parable." "Yeah?" "0f hope." "You disgust me." "You're obsessed." "You're disgusting." "Now..." " Eh?" "I'd like to leave you..." " (Groaning)" "..with a message of hope from the British pub." "Cos the British pub is the greatest institution in the world." " Yeah?" " (Cheering) ln the pub, we're all equal." "Princes and paupers are equal alike." "It predates parliament." "It is the greatest institution in the world and right now, it's in crisis." "You might not know this but in the north, you can buy a pub for a pound right now." "It's a shocking business." "It's a value Friday night, though." "Ten of you get together, 1 0p each, you drink it dry, burn it down, claim on the insurance Monday morning." "I'm not suggesting you do that for a minute." "Now, the point is... I want to offer you a message of hope from the British pub." "Cos Mikey, when you walk in a pub, son, what do you see?" " What do you see, mate?" " Beer." "Beers?" "Yeah, you see the bar." "Good boy." "You see the bar, that's right." "And on the bar, you see the pumps." "And the pumps have a message of hope for all of us, a beautiful lesson." "Those pumps standing tall, standing proud, standing together." "The pumps can show us how to get through this difficult time cos the pumps all serve beer but the beers are all different." "To get through this difficult time, we've got to settle our differences and pull together to get through this time, living in broken Britain." "And the pumps can show us how cos the beers are all different." "Maybe one of the beers is black, yeah?" "Maybe there is a black beer." "Yeah." "Maybe one of the beers is brown." "Maybe there is some brown beers." "Maybe there's a blonde beer," "Maybe there's a French imported fucking lager." "Maybe... there's a Polish beer that is cheaper and stronger than its British equivalent and gets the job done quicker for less money." "Maybe." "Maybe there's all of those things but in the end, the beers are just like us, cos they're served in equal measures." "And we need to remember that in these difficult times." "We are all different." "We might all be loyal soldiers of Her Majesty, we might be old blokes teetering on the twilight, we might be ogres batting well above our fucking average, yeah?" "Yeah?" "We might be Tuesday night dancers but in the end, we're all served in equal measures, just like the beer." "Equal measures, just like the beer." "Pints for the fellas, glass of white wine, fruit-based drink for the lady..." " (Cheering) - ..cos those are the rules." "And if we didn't have rules, where would we be?" "(Everyone) France." "And if we had too many rules, where would we be?" "(All) Germany." "But we're in Great Britain, having a pint and it doesn't get any fucking better than that, ladies and gentlemen." "Thanks so much for coming tonight." "I hope to see you all again." "Please take your glasses back to the bar." "Good night." "Thank you." "Good night!" "(Mimics dance beat)" "The lads, little Mikey, Pops, thank you very much." "Good night." "See you again." "Thank you for coming." "Cheers." "(Cheering and whistling)" "Want some more?" "Do you want some more?" "Do you want some more?" "Take a seat." "Welcome back." " Do you like my showbiz jacket?" " (Cheering) I've got this on because there's one thing we haven't done tonight." "We're proved the existence of God and sorted out all the issues facing this country." "But what we haven't done yet is have a lovely sing-along." "(Cheering)" "A lovely, British sing-along." "Cos Pops'll tell you, during the Blitz as the bombs rained down and he hid under the kitchen table to dodge the Luftwaffe...." "He doesn't remember, eh?" "They'd sing together to get through the bad times." "And I've written a song for us tonight, ladies and gentlemen, to get through this difficult time cos we've got to pull together." "0nly rats leave a sinking ship." "We've got to pull together." "We've got to pull together and I've written a song for you tonight." "It's called the Broken Britain Boogie." "You'll pick up the words pretty quickly, they're on the fucking screen, and it goes... it goes a little bit like this." "Play the tape, Gary." "Play the tape." " Ahem." " (# Guitar chord)" "# Ah..." "# When I take a look around me at this green and pleasant land # l see chaos and disaster, well, they have got out of hand" "# But when I is downhearted # l sings this little song # lt is the new Blitz spirit" "# And it's only two lines long # lf we're gonna go down" "# We're gonna do down together... #" "That's the spirit!" "The new Blitz spirit." "In broken bloody Britain." "Altogether now." "Here we go." "# lf we're gonna go down... #" "That's it!" "# We're gonna go down together... #" "We're living in broken Britain right now." "All the money's gone missing and no one's got a bloody pot to piss in, have they?" " Whose money was it?" " 0ur money!" "Where's the fucking money, Simon?" "What we need is a new solution, a 90%/% of the brain, common sense revolution." "Cos the only thing to look forward to is the 201 2 0lympics and it's gonna be a bit shit." "Altogether now." "Come on." " # lf we're gonna go down" " Come on, Pops." "# We're gonna go down together... #" "That's it, come on." "Sing it with me." "Come on, little Mike." "Come on, mate. I believe!" " # lf we're gonna go down... #" " That's it." "# We're gonna go down together... #" "Two questions." "Ask yourself this." "is this what Churchill died for?" "is this what lovely Lady Di bloody well cried for?" "I should think not. lf she could see you lot, she'd be turning in her grave." "She was a candle in the wind, killed by a Frenchman." "That's murder." "# lf we're gonna go down... #" " Sing it with me." "# We're gonna go down together... #" " (Mimics dance beat)" " Tuesday night remix." "# lf we're gonna go down" "# We're gonna go down together... #" "Right, here comes the bit where l sing properly." "Shut up." "Now..." "# What can be the answer to this state of things" "# When faced with such disaster" "# The little children sing..." "(Children's choir) # lf we're gonna go down... #" "Let's do a conga, girls." "Up you get, love." "# We're gonna go down together... #" "Come on, up you get, up you get." "And you, come on, up you get." "Come on, up you get, love." "Not you, fuck off." "Up you get, love." " # lf we're gonna go down... #" " All the ladies at the front." " # We're gonna go down together... #" " Up you get." "Fuck off, Shrek." "Up you get, ladies." "Come on, girls, hop on the end." "There we go." "Here we go." "Here we go, come on." " # lf we're gonna go down... #" " Come on!" "# We're gonna go down together... #" "Fantastic, eh?" "Russell Brand makes it look such hard work, doesn't he, eh?" " # lf we're gonna go down... #" " Turn round, ladies, turn round." " Turn round." "That way." " # We're gonna go down together... #" "Keep going." "Go!" "Go on!" "That's it." "# lf we're gonna go down... #" " We're gonna go down together, ladies." " # We're gonna go down together... #" "How about that, eh?" "Not bad for an evening's work." "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming tonight." "It's been my pleasure to drink with you here at the 02 tonight." "(Cheering) I hope you have a fabulous weekend." "Thank you so much for coming." "Please take your glasses back to the bar!" "(Cheering)" "Cheers!" "Thank you very much." "Thanks for coming." "See you again." "Good night." "Thank you." "# lf we're gonna go down" "# We're gonna go down together" "# lf we're gonna go down" "# We're gonna go down together" "# lf we're gonna go down" "# We're gonna go down together" "# lf we're gonna go down" "# We're gonna go down together... #"