"Okay, Carl, your blood pressure looks good." "Now we're gonna do the thing where I ask you some basic health questions and you lie to me." "Okay?" "Alcoholic beverages per week?" "Two, maybe three." "Why you lying to me, Carl?" "Would you also like to lie to me about smoking?" "I stopped smoking." "Carl, the mouthwash works, but the shirt smells like..." "Virginia Slims?" "They make my hands look bigger." "I'm not gonna write that down on the chart." "Dr. Berkowitz will be here in a minute, okay?" "Hey, uh, what's that picture?" "Is that Halloween?" "Oh, no." "I think this was closer to Christmas." "But you're wearing army clothes." "Yes, I know." "The camouflage look was all the rage in Afghanistan." "You went to Afghanistan for Christmas." "I'ma give you a sec." " Oh!" " There you go!" " Let me ask you..." " No, I never killed anyone." "Yes, it was hot over there." "You're welcome for my service." "Anything else?" "Well, I was just gonna ask you, is your husband also a badass soldier?" "Oh, yeah, he was." " Oh, my God, I'm sorry!" " Oh..." "No, he... he was a badass soldier, but now he does private security in Afghanistan." "But any... anyways, we're separated." "So, you're single." "Yeah." "Actually, I was just about to go home and make dinner for my kids." "Single mom." "Well, this was fun." "Alex." "Alex, help." "Papito, let's go!" "You know I got a bum shoulder." "I need help over here." "Thank you." "Next time I'll Skype you." "We have a problem." "I know." "The hipsters have discovered Porto's." "Line around the block is like the freakin' Apple Store now." "Mom!" "And this one, I don't like her anymore." "I don't care if you like me." "Sounds like you're both on the same page." "Your daughter does not want to have a quinces." "What?" "Why?" "We already booked the room, and I found a great band!" "Okay, it's a deejay." "Okay, it's your brother with an iPod and a playlist, but it's a very good playlist." "I researched the history of quinceañeras and found out they're totally misogynistic." "She's been reading again." "Why do you let her read?" "I know, Mami." "I let her do math, too." "I'm a monster." "By the way, they made me captain of the debate team today at school, but all she wants to talk about is this." "She has to have a quinces." "How else will we know the day that our little girl becomes a woman?" "You missed it." "I was 12, I was in gym, and ironically, it happened in first period." "You are throwing away your Cuban heritage." "Yeah, the bad part." "I don't want to be paraded around in front of the men of the village like a piece of property to be traded for two cows and a goat." "Someone thinks they're worth a lot." "What century do you two think you're in?" "I mean, Elena, relax." "It's just a fun party." "You know, I'll have a little too much wine, embarrass you while I sob during my toast, uh, Abuelita will dance inappropriately with one of your guy friends..." "You can count on it." "I'm not doing it." "You need to do something about this little sinvergüenza." "What does that even mean?" "It means... that you do not know enough Spanish to know that I'm insulting you." "Oye..." "Ha!" "Abuelita..." "I'll learn more Spanish when you learn English." "I know the English." "Besides, your abuelo, God rest his soul, did not marry me for my mind." "Who do you think you're insulting?" "Good one, Mom." "By the way, what are the last 16 digits of your credit card?" "Uh, what are you doing?" "Are you shopping?" "'Cause who said you could shop?" "You said I could order sneakers for school." "Five pairs?" "Monday through Friday." "Don't worry, I don't need weekend sneakers." "Oh, well..." "I can't have my son walking around in Monday sneakers on a Saturday." "Somebody might call child services." "Mom, I'm serious." "I'm in middle school now." "How I look kinda matters." "Okay, so you can buy one pair for under $40." "Forty?" "That'll get you perfectly good sneakers to last the whole year." "The whole year?" "Okay, Mom, I know we're not rich, but are we poor?" "No, we're... fine." " That sounds like poor." " We're not poor!" "I mean, look around!" "We have a TV, a refrigerator." "You have a laptop." "These are things that poor people have." "We have an air conditioner." "You never let us turn it on." "The point is you could, but don't." "Don't ever touch that thing." "All right, it's Friday night." "Family dinner time." "Come on, let's go!" "Elena, come set the table!" "Alex, help me make a salad." "This meat was heavily discounted, so I need to cook it before it turns." "You guys already ate, didn't you?" "She made ropa vieja." "I'm not made of stone." "Mami, I told you this morning that I was gonna cook tonight." "I thought it was a joke!" "And I thought it was hilarious." "Sorry, Mom." "Do you want us to sit and watch you eat?" "No." "We'll just start next Friday." " Okay?" " Okay." " All right." " Sounds good." "So, there is some ropa vieja in the mantequilla thing if you don't want to eat that..." "sad meat." "I bought it, I'm eating it." "Okay." "Oh, yeah, that's not working." "Don't worry, I told Schneider." "Here's some hand sanitizer." "And here..." " I don't need lipstick." " Yes, you do." "Okay." "You know how much I appreciate your help, but you have to let me establish my own traditions." "I agree." "So let's talk quinces." "Ay, Mami, ya!" "I don't wanna force her." "You know, this is all on me now." "I wanna handle it right." "You know... a father would make sure that his little girl had a quinces." "You really wanna go there?" "'Cause I'm holding a hammer." "I'm just saying, maybe when Victor comes back, you can work it out." "Remember when we all moved in together and you said," ""If you ever want me to go away, just say, 'Go away.'"" "Yeah." "Oh!" "You're welcome!" "Schneider!" "Well, you grew out that mustache, huh?" "Yeah, I finally took the plunge and went full handlebar." "Feelin' really good about it." "I feel like it says, "I mean business."" "Yes, if your business is taming lions." "Oh, wait!" "I have one more." "You're 40 and you look stupid." "I knew it!" "What?" "Is..." "That's fake?" "Yeah, I'm not gonna grow a real one until I know if people like it." "And I'll have you know, I was invited to several pride parades." "Please tell me you're here to fix my sink." "Yeah, fine!" " Ooh, that's a cool hammer." " Uh, careful." "That's very expensive Damascus steel." "Ah, so we've got two fancy tools up in here." "No, come on." "Come on!" "No." "You know you're the only non-Latino I trust to fix stuff." "Oh, is that racist?" "Oh, who cares, it's just us." "Yeah, don't do that." "I regretted it as soon as I said it." "It's no problem." "I can get that done by tonight." "Maybe after dinner." "What's your mom cooking'?" "You've really been eating here a lot lately." "Yeah, I like it, too." "Can you believe it's only been 10 months since you moved in?" "I remember 'cause I got my five year sober chip and your mom baked me that cake." "Oh, I remember, yeah." "I'm sorry it was a rum cake." "I enjoyed watching you guys eat it." "Oh, by the way... looks like you accidentally threw these out." " I found 'em in the trash." " Hmm." "Wonder how they got there." "Hey..." "listen, you can tell me anything." "There's a landlord-tenant confidentiality clause in your lease." "No, there isn't." "Okay, there's not, but I really wanna know what's going on!" "Fine." "They're anti-depressants that Dr. Berkowitz thought I might need, but he doesn't know what he's talking about, so..." "Yeah, it sounds like he really cares about you." "What a dick!" "I don't need them, and I have to get them out of here because if my mom finds 'em, it'll be," ""Ay, Dios mío, she's a junkie like the Amy Winehouser."" "Yeah, so, I will, uh..." "I'll just get that washer and we'll get that thing fixed right up." "Oh!" "Hello, Schneider." "Hola, señora." "Oh, you shave out your mustache." " What, you liked it?" " Oh, yes." "It made me laugh." "Elena!" " Come out here, honey." " What's up, Abuelita?" "Okay, listen, uh..." "I know you got issues with the quinces, but..." " All right..." " No, no, no." "No, no." "But I am going to show you something... that I think might change your mind." "This could be you." "Mommy, please, put those away." "I hate those pictures." "Burn it!" "Oh, hey!" "The quinceañera." "You're doing it!" "Elena, I knew you'd come around." "She didn't!" "She thinks she's being sold into slavery." "That's not really part of it, right?" "You know what?" "Let me talk to her." "I've been doing some outreach down at the rec center, talking to at-risk youth." "No, I don't think you should do that." "Hey, girl." "How you livin'?" "Your abuela wants to throw you a sick kick-back on a Saturday night." "You know, keep it hundred." "You down?" "What's happening right now?" "Schneider, she's gonna do it." "I got this." "You know what, Captain Debater?" "Let's debate this." "But we're not doing a regular debate." "It's gotta be that thing I saw you do where we argue the opposite side to better understand each other." "You mean a Lincoln-Douglas debate?" "My specialty?" "I once successfully argued against gravity, so..." "Ooh, I'ma take my earrings off... 'cause it's about to go down!" "The issue before us is quinces or no quinces." "Okay... so I'm you." "Mmm, listen kid!" "A quinces is just about the village celebrating that you're a woman, which I know you know 'cause you're the smartest one in the family!" "Oh, I got better moves than that, right?" "Eh..." "But village isn't literal." "It just means your family and your friends." "So, what's so bad about this modern village coming together to celebrate you?" " Oh, yeah!" "She's good." " Oh." "Oh, my money's on her." "You guys wanna start takin' bets?" "Actually, scratch that." "I'm addicted to gambling." "Okay, now I'll be you." "Oh, my God!" "Do you even hear yourself?" "Seriously!" "Your argument is that my adulthood has to be approved by your friends?" "Pass!" "Well, I'm not gonna clap for that." "So you want to crush my heart into pieces... after I worked so hard to give you an opportunity in this land of the free and home of the brave?" "That's not me, that's her." "You make me sound like I have an accent." "Let's end this." "Elena, you wrecked your first communion because, as a vegetarian, you wouldn't eat the body of Christ." "You even refused to take any pictures with Santa because your abuelita wouldn't admit that Christmas is a pagan ritual." "Jesus and Santa were cousins." "Everybody knows this." "So, when it comes to your quinces..." "I'm pleading with you." "Can't you do this one thing for your mother who loves you?" "Okay, Mom, I'll do it." "Wait, what?" "I'm saying, you win!" "You should have a quinces like you just proved." "Dang!" "Mami set you up!" "I didn't realize how right I was." "She said a bunch of stuff I didn't even think of!" "Mami, ." "Okay, this was stupid!" "I'm still not having a quinces." "Oh, God, just accept it." "You're Cuban, you're 15, you're gonna have a big party, with a poofy dress and a bad photo." "It's what we do." "She can speak Spanish." "Mrs. Doyle is in exam room three and I swear to God, if that vieja calls me Maria one more time..." "Mrs. Doyle has Alzheimer's." "Oh, no, I'm so sorry." "Hey, I'm messin' with ya." "She's just racist." "What's going on with you today?" "You're... you're all on edge." "I had to put my foot down with Elena about her quinces, and..." "I'm not sure if I did the right thing." "She wouldn't talk to me all weekend." "Oh, don't worry." "It gets better." "Eventually they leave." "It's just all on me now." "Oh, yeah, every move you make is fraught with peril." "Is this gonna be the one that scars them for life?" "And in my case, the answer was always yes." "Well, it's just a lot of pressure and sometimes..." "I don't know." "Did you ever take those..." "No, no." "I threw them right in the trash." "It's fine!" "There's just a lot going on right now." "But it's more than that, right?" "You were talking to me about nightmares..." "I know what I said." "Look, if... if you had something wrong with your heart, and I gave you some medicine, you would take it." "So why wouldn't you do the same with this?" "Yeah." "But to be fair, I probably wouldn't take that heart crap either." "I mean, as a nurse, I would totally recommend it, but as a Cuban, I suffer in silence." "A silent Cuban?" "Hey, I'd like to meet one of those." " And she's a teenager, right?" " Right." "At least I'm safe for another year with the little one." " Oh!" "Your phone telling you things." " Oh, yeah." "Alex ordered some sneakers for school." "I get an alert every time a package is delivered." "How many feet does that kid have?" "Hey, so, for the quinces, is there any way I can get a plus three?" "Currently in a bit of a..." "lady-juggling situation." "No, I promised you to Consuelo." "Now, she has a good mustache." "Just kidding." "It's not that good." "Alex." "Alex!" "He can't hear you!" "He is possessed by the YouTube." " I can explain." " Really?" "You can explain how one pair of sneakers magically became five?" "Because that is some Jesus crap right there." "Sorry I said Jesus so close to the word crap." "Mom, this family's been through a lot, and I felt like I needed to provide... because I'm the man of the house now." "Oh, that's why you bought five pairs of sneakers?" "That's why I bought no pairs of sneakers." "Oh, he's into magic now?" "Can I be your assistant?" "No, I will become the focus." "Free returns, Mom." "I can order any pair I want, wear them a couple of times." "As long as I keep them clean, I can send them right back." "I know you wanna be mad, but that's genius." "No, it's not." "Alex, there's no way you can keep all these sneakers" " clean enough to send back." " Oh, no?" "Oh, so, it's six pairs of shoes?" "Okay, what about the bottoms?" "You've been walking around all day." "Oh, you're right, Mom." "I mean, you gotta get him on Shark Tank or something." "No." "No, this ends now." "It's like you're stealing." "Exactly!" "It's like I'm stealing." "No, you're not charming your way out of this." "I said one new pair." "You disobeyed me." "Now, you get no new pairs." "No, you know what?" "Now, you get Elena's old sparkly ones." "With the multicultural princesses?" "No!" "Lucky for you, she never wore them 'cause they were too gender-specific." "She did like that they were diverse." "I'm not wearing those." "I still don't understand why I can't buy these." "Don't you have more money now that Papi's gone?" "What?" "Well, you have a job, plus Papi gives you money, right?" "So that's, like, double money." "Sit down." "Let me talk to him." " Hey, little man..." "Okay." " Out!" "Yes, your papi gives me money, but it's for the basics, and it's not a lot." "But he's absolutely doing his best, and he will always be your papi." "But make no mistake, when it comes to money," "I'm your daddy." "Tomorrow, these all go back." "Everything okay?" "I need you to sign my test." "Yes, everything is fine." "At least you're talking to me now." "It says you got a D." "I know." "This is social studies." "You love this!" "Yeah." "I guess I didn't try because I don't need an education now that I'm gonna be chattel." "And without schoolwork, I have more time to plan my magical quinces." "So..." "Ay." "Okay." "Enough." "Yes, you keep that up, and you will not have a quinces." "Wait..." "I can't believe you." "You know how hard I bust my ass, by myself, to send you to that school so that you can have more opportunities than I did." "Then you... you pull this crap?" "I can't even look at you right now." "Just go to your room." "You keep saying that you want me to be this strong, independent woman like you." "And then, when I tell you that I don't want to be a part of something that I think is a misogynist cultural ritual, you tell me to shut up, do it anyway." "So which is it, Mom?" "Lupita, are you okay?" "Ah, you're like me." "You get upset and you clean." "Wait, wait a minute." "Wait, what... what is that?" "It's an anti-depressant that I'm gonna be taking." "So just deal with it." "That is your answer?" "Drugs?" "Okay, open your mouth and spit it in my hand." "I haven't even taken it yet!" "And it's okay, Mom." "It's something that helps." "But do you even see everything that's happening now?" "You don't need drugs." "You need your husband." "Oh, God, stop it!" "Stop." "Victor is not the answer." "I know you didn't want him to go back to Afghanistan, but he's making money." "He's being a good provider." "There are jobs here where they don't shoot at you." "We live in America, name one!" "It's not just the job, and you know that!" " It's not like he cheated on you." " It's not the only thing that matters." "We are Cuban." "We don't get divorced, we die." "Don't you think I miss him?" "You think I like being alone?" "I wanted to do this with somebody." "That was the plan." "Family dinners, and inside jokes, and one of the kids says something cute, and you share a look." "And even right now to be able to say, "Okay, they're insane, we're not."" "A partner." "Someone to love." "Someone... someone in your bed." "You know, since Victor's gone, I don't sleep." "Because he used to spoon me to sleep." "So, yeah, Mom..." "I miss the good stuff." "Sometimes you just need somebody to give you a hug and say, "I got you."" "I meant a man." "I am very strong." "I've been doing my yoga." "I got you." "Hey." "The ladies be looking at your feet." "Something's wrong." "Am I right?" "I'm sorry." "Nah, I think I can make these work." "Or, I noticed you bought a pair for under 40 bucks, which means you did the right thing before you did the many, many wrong things." "Really?" "Oh, thank you!" "I was trying to be brave, but even the nuns would've made fun of me." "Listen, you don't have to worry about being the man of the house." "First of all, we don't have a house, so there's that." "You just be a twelve-year-old boy, okay?" "Okay." "And you're right," "I shouldn't worry too much about what's going on down here, when I got so much going on up here." "Ah!" "Puberty's gonna hit you like a train." "Hey." "Hello." "So there's been a lot of yelling." "Okay, it was mostly me." "But I hear you..." "and you don't have to have a quinces." "Oh, thank you." "Thank you, thank you, thank you." "Yeah, and this is not because of that crap you pulled with the test." "You do that again and I'll put my quinces tiara on you while you sleep, and post it to your Instagram." "Don't test me." "Okay." "Look, I get the whole misogynist thing." "I do." "But I hate to tell you lots of good stuff has started for dumb man reasons." "Yeah, like, marriage used to be a way to pay off debts." "Plus, women were being raped everywhere, so you'd marry your daughter off to some guy and say," ""Okay, he owns her now." "No raping this one."" "My point is we've made progress." "I didn't know you were such a feminist, Mom." "I can assemble a rifle in 13 seconds." "I'm a total badass." "How are you missing this?" "I'm sorry, it's just a lot of times you sound like a mom." "Yeah, well, I am one." "And there is a part of me that buys into that cheesy" ""my little girl is becoming a woman" thing, because you're not a little girl anymore." "That is super weird." "If I'm being honest with myself, I was making your quinces about me." "I guess I wanted people to show up and say," ""Look at the amazing single mom pulling it all together by herself."" "I know." "It was dumb." "It's not dumb." "They're dumb." " Who?" " The people." "No, there's no people, that's just a thing that I said." "No, I'll do it." "All I wanted was a good reason why, and you just gave me one." "Oh, my God, really?" "That is so great!" "We'll... we'll do the whole thing." "The ceremony, the stupid waltz." "We're gonna show them what single mothers can pull off." "I will dress like a child bride for you, Mom." "Okay, now I feel like I should talk you out of it." "Yeah, but I won't." "I won't." "Your abuelita, she can be a broken record, but she taught me life can be tough." "So when you get something to celebrate, you take it." "Then take photos." "Photos I'll use to scare your children." "Oh, I'm not having children." "Not today." "Move over." "What?" "What are you doing here?" " I'm going to spoon you." " No." " Yes, move over." " Mami, no!" " Okay, shh!" " No!" " You're gonna like this." "It's very nice." " No, don't do it." "Oh, yes, see?" "See?" "Mmm."