"SNOW JOB" " Here's your mail." " Thanks." "I'm afraid they're all bills." "I'll give them to Bill the moment he comes in." " That's pretty funny." " Thank you." "Hold on there, sport." "As you can see, I'm wearing the colours myself here." "As a veteran postal carrier, I'm shocked." "Department policy regarding uniform states and I quote," ""Uniform should be buttoned up to the second button from the collar. "" " You're letting us down, son." " I'm sorry." "I didn't mean any harm." "It's all right." "I was green once, too." "You'll make it." " Thank you." "I'll try to do better." " Carry on." " Here's your beer, Cliff." " Cliff?" "Say, you're not, by any chance, Cliff Clavin?" "Sure am." "You heard of me?" "Your name is a symbol around our branch office." "Is that right?" "Well, just the other day I messed up and my supervisor told me to get my head out of my Clavin." " Damn." " What's wrong?" "Ann Marie's teacher's gonna have to hold her back." "That's too bad, Carla." "Don't worry." "It's just as bad to skip a grade." " You skipped a grade?" " I skipped four." "High school, I think they called it." "I hope being held back isn't going to be traumatic for Ann Marie." "She's been held back twice." "In her class picture, she looks like Snow White." "Coach, set me up with another beer." "Where's Normie?" "I've got a great story." "Ain't my job to keep tabs on the walking beer keg." " Who cares about your stupid story?" " Thank you, Carla." "If you serve that beer any slower, it's going to be vinegar." "I'm on the verge of a new record for fewest glasses broken." "How close are you?" "I have to make it to midnight without breaking seven glasses." "There must be four inches of feathers down there." "Six inches." "You can't be too careful." "I never thought I'd see you work with a net." "You never will." "Hi, honey." "So the camel says, "You get your own date. "" " Evening, everybody." " Norm!" " What's shaking?" " Four cheeks and a couple of chins." " So what'll it be?" " A pitcher." "How about you, George?" "Who's your funny friend here?" " Sorry." "Cliff Clavin, George Foley." " Pleasure." " We met at unemployment." " What line of work are you out of?" "Tree surgeon." "I quit cos I fainted at the sight of sap." "I'm getting a little woozy right now." "Very humorous." "Norm, I heard a great joke down by the sorting machine." "George claims he can run the table before I chalk my cue stick." " Put your money where your mouth is." " I tried it but the bills got sodden." "I like him." "He's funny." "The rest of us are laughing out of pity at the man's ugliness." "He looks like a gnarled creature you find 20 miles beneath the surface of the sea." "Come to think of it, he didn't say where he was from." "You know what I hate about working here?" "I know what I hate, but it couldn't be the same thing." "Coach, two vodka rocks." "We never get holidays off." "It's George Washington's birthday." "We'll be stuck here." "Sam won't." "This is when he goes on a ski trip." "What ski trip?" "He and his baseball cronies go to Vermont every year." "They rent a chalet, ski and melt a few snow bunnies." " They've been doing it for years." " He won't do it this year." " Why not?" " Because he's involved with me now." "I know, but I still believe in the old Sam Malone." "I say he's still got some hair on his butt." "Perhaps, Carla, your desperate observations reflect the relationships between men and women in the demimonde you inhabit, but for those of us who no longer scrape our knuckles on the ground, your views are incredibly primitive." "Says you!" "Sam, what's the matter?" "I got a call from my Aunt Alice this afternoon." "Uncle Nathan died yesterday." "I'm so sorry." " Was he sick long?" " No, Coach." "He was hit by a bus." "That's comforting." "I'm sorry." "I'm going to have to leave right now." "I gotta go to Vermont for the funeral." " Did you say Vermont?" " My condolences in your time of sorrow." " Thank you, Carla." " I was talking to Diane." " Where in Vermont?" " Stowe." "Stowe." "Isn't that a ski resort?" "I think there is one nearby there." "I gotta leave now." "I'm going to be gone a couple of days." "This whole thing, I don't know." "Sam, you must have been very close with your uncle." " Very close." " I should be with you at a time like this." "No." "I think it would just be too depressing for you." "I'll stay at my aunt's house and she doesn't believe in unmarried couples sleeping together." "We don't have to sleep together." "Why would you be coming, then?" "To support you emotionally through this tragedy." "You are so sweet, but I just don't think it's a good idea." "Sam says his Uncle Nathan in Vermont just died." " He sure did." " Do you believe that?" "They wouldn't make funeral arrangements if he wasn't dead." "I think they've got a test for that." "Coach, why don't you tell Diane the truth?" "There is no Uncle Nathan." "Sam's accepted it, so we all have to." "That guy is good." "He made me look like a big dope out there." "What did he do, turn the lights on?" "What's that supposed to mean?" "Nothing." "Let me tell you that story." "We gotta get going." "We're going to the Islanders game." "George has season tickets." "Smack in the middle." "I hope you have a good time." "Nice to meet you." "Hope you catch a puck..." "in your Clavin." "OK, I'll call you in a couple of days." "Please convey my sympathy to your aunt." "I will." "Thank you." "That's very sweet." "Bye-bye." "How long were your aunt and Uncle Nathan married?" "How long?" "40, 50 years." "I don't know." "My, my, my." "It must be very hard on her." "Just imagine." "OK." "I'm off now." "Do you know the secret of a long-lasting relationship?" "No, I don't, Diane, but I will think about it as I drive along." "It's honesty, Sam." "Once honesty leaves a relationship, the relationship is over." "If one of us were to lie to the other now, it would be a crime of the soul." "Our lives would be diminished beyond redemption." "This is not one of the world's great goodbyes here." "Of course." "You'd better go." "Be careful." "There'll be a lot of skiers on the road and you know how insensitive people on their way to a ski weekend can be." "You're hanging by your fingernails, honey." "He'll be back tonight." "You don't believe her either, Coach?" "No." "I've got feathers in my shoes." "I don't know how a chicken keeps a straight face." " Coach, I need a draught." " One draught coming up." "careful." "For the record, Coach." "The record's in the bag." "I've got less than four hours and five glasses to go." " Don't get cocky." " I can't lose." "I've never broken five glasses in four hours in my life." "Watch this." " Coach, you swept out the feathers." " Feathers are for chickens." "Here." " You made your point." " Made my point?" "Watch this." "You're only two away now." "Two away." "Do you know what I think of two away?" " What?" " It scares the hell out of me." "Do you want to give me another drink?" "So what's your problem, droopy drawers?" "You've been moping around like a school girl who broke up with her steady." "Moping?" "I'm not moping." "Just spending a little quiet time by myself." "That's what a man is." "Solitary, strong, independent." "Ever hear of the lone wolf, Carla?" "The lone wolf, c'est moi." "A man needing no one." "I touch no one and no one touches me." "I'm a rock." "I'm an island." " Evening, everybody." " Norm!" " Beer, Normie?" " I don't know." "I had one this week." "What the heck." "I'm young." " So who won the hockey game?" " Bruins. 8-7 in overtime." "A real yawner." " So where's Rootie Kazootie?" " George?" "He turned out to be a jerk." "He saw some friends at the game." "He sits with them and leaves me there." "It happens." "Friend turns against friend." "I guess so." "Want to shoot some pool?" "What?" "You want to shoot pool with me?" "Norm has deigned to ask me to shoot pool with him." "Do I have time to get down on my knees and thank God you've selected me?" "OK, but hurry." "We shouldn't lose that table there." "I hope I can be as delightful a companion as you're used to." "This is like sarcasm, right?" "You're a real tack, Norm." "Cliffie, I understand how you feel." "You're not second best, pal." "You're aces." "I'd be honoured if you would shoot some pool with me." "Really." "Well, all right, but..." " Norm, where were you?" " Georgie, my man!" " I looked all over for you." " Go, Bruins!" "Let's get a burger." "I know where to get the best in town." "On second thoughts, I don't think I'll go." " Sure?" " I'm not hungry." "Whatever you say." "I'll go alone." " The best burgers in town you say?" " Absolutely." " I'd love a good burger." " Glad to hear it." " You were going to go with him." " With that jerk?" "I was trying to get his hopes up there." "What do you say we go and shoot some stick?" "All right." "But stick the pool cues up your nostrils and make like a walrus." "Right." "I got another twist on it." "I can get the fat ends in there now." "Watch this." "The fat ends, you say." "We're out of olives." "Did Sam order any?" "Why don't you just ask him?" "Why, where's Sam?" "I thought that you said Sam was coming tonight, Diane." "He's probably just coming around the corner, down the stairs now." "I should hurry and greet him." "Open the door for my boss on his return." " Hello there, Sam." " Hi, Carla." " Ski weekend, right?" " What?" "Come on." "It was three miles away from my aunt's house and it came to me." " Ski weekend, am I right?" " I'm confused." "What ski weekend?" "Somebody probably told you" "I used to go skiing with my buddies on this weekend." "Now that you mention it, Carla said something." " I knew it." " Coach, two draughts." "Because of that, you decide I'm lying about my Uncle Nathan." "For a moment, I was a trifle suspicious." "That is totally silly, honey." "That ski weekend is part of my past." "What kind of guy with a swell chick like yourself would fool around?" "Even when I was on that weekend, I didn't fool around much." "Even if I were, I wouldn't be doing what you think and I'm not, so it's less." "So you feel OK now?" " I was never not OK." " You weren't?" "Great." "What a silly misunderstanding this was." "There was never a misunderstanding." "I knew the truth the whole time." "That's great." "Well, I'm off again." "If you were going to lie, you would have come up with something smarter than this funeral thing." " What do you mean by that?" " I could check in a minute." "I could call a local newspaper and ask them to check on their death notices." "Of course." "Everybody knows that." "I got a funeral waiting for me." "Don't we all?" "Well, slats, you blew it again." "This time he's gone." "He'll be back within the hour." "Damn tropical drinks." " It's too bad about the record." " We were pulling for you." "I came so close." "Don't worry about it." "I still got a personal record I'm proud of." " What's that?" " 11 days without starting a fire." "It's almost closing time." "You said that Sam would be back before closing time." "Damn!" "Let's you and me stop playing games." " Alms for the dink." " Poor devil." "Would you leave me alone, please?" "I was almost up there this time before it hit me." "You don't believe me." "I know it." "I think that is really rotten." "I've never seen you act this crazy." "It's so late." "You'll miss your uncle's funeral." "How do you expect me to enjoy a funeral when you're making me nuts?" "What are you talking about?" "Every time I go, you say some little thing." "I've been there so often, they changed the sign to "Welcome To Vermont, Sam"." "What are you accusing me of?" "I'm accusing you of accusing me of being a liar." "Calling the newspaper." "You said that to get me crazy." "You and I both know you wouldn't make that call." "Would you?" "You did it!" "You called them!" "I can't believe it!" "Now you know there's no funeral, no Nathan Malone." "What a stupid name." " I didn't call." " You didn't?" "I look like an idiot." "No argument there." " All right." "I'd better tell you the truth." " That'd be nice." "Diane, I work for the government." " What are you talking about?" " I am on a top secret mission." " You are an idiot." " That's just my cover." "Come on." "You've been playing games with me." " Don't you think you deserve it?" " Deserve it?" "You're talking to me like talking to a child." " You've been acting like one." " Don't use that tone of voice." " What tone is that?" " That one right there!" "I hate it!" "OK." "Fine." "Here's a different tone." " You slime!" " What?" " How dare you lie to me like that?" " I had to lie to you." "You made me." "What would you have said if I said to you," ""I want to go on a semi-harmless ski weekend with my buddies. "" "That's it." "I've had enough." "I don't care what you do." "I don't want to look at your big, flabby face any more." "fool around with every women in Vermont." "I don't care." "Is that a fact?" "That's exactly what I'm going to do." "I'm going to go and have every girl in Vermont." "Even the bowsers." "Go." "By all means, go." "Have all New England for all I care." " Maybe I'll just do that." " Mull this over on your ride to paradise." "There happens to be a certain box boy at my market." "A sinewy youth who always wants to carry my bags, if you know what I mean." "Perhaps I'll go over there tomorrow and not demur at his subtle, yet oh-so-unequivocaI advances." "You do that, Diane, and I'll try real hard to give a damn." "Holy mackerel." "I forgot to ask him about the olives." " He'll be back in ten minutes." " I say five, Carla." "Maybe even sooner." "A box boy?" "English"