"THE COURT JESTER Based on true events" "Casper and Iben are coming on Constitution Day." "I think we'll have the ducks Hjortshøj gave me." "Fine." "Let's use what we have." " I'll just use your shaver." " Yes, for your downy upper lip." " What?" " For your downy upper lip." " I haven't got down on my upper lip." " Well, just a little." "But that's fine." "It looks cute." " I haven't." "Not compared to others." " No." "Yours is cute." " It's perfect." " You told me to get rid of it." "I thought you wanted to." "Just leave it." " Then what do you need it for?" " Shaving my bikini line." "Oh." "Okay." "I didn't know you..." "shaved down there." "Well, I do." " Is your pubic hair growth thick?" " Medium." " What's that?" " It's you." " Is that the big beard?" " The beard." " Don't you like it?" " Yes, but it's grown very long." "I have to find the right length." "I'm almost there." " Sure, Captain Haddock." " We have to syncronise our plans." "12 o'clock." "I got the Golden Table at Gastronomique." "I was on the phone with the chef, Stanislav, for maybe 45 minutes." " He needs buttering up." " I had to beg him." "It wasn't easy." "But we got the Golden Table." "When Lars von Trier and Aalbæk get there, take care of Aalbæk." " A quick massage?" " You're not Axel Boisen." " Talk about a fat girl you screwed." " I'm not telling that one again." "Think of something." "Claire?" "I want to make sure it's just the four of us." " Vibeke Windeløv's not coming." " No, she's not coming today." " I just wanted to make sure." " But the others came yesterday." "They're not coming today as well." "Trierman and..." " His name is Lars von Trier." " He's not coming today as well." "Why did you set it up for yesterday?" "I never said it was yesterday." "So it's today?" "I thought it was yesterday." "Coffee?" "I don't want coffee, I want a gun so I can shoot your head off." "We have to go and have lunch at Gastronomique." "Stanislav will be furious if we don't turn up." " I think we should fire her." " Just like that?" "Exit Claire?" "Yes." "Her Danish is lousy, she screws up our appointments." " Everything all right?" " It was delicious." "Just super." " The foie gras was excellent." " Yes." "Just imagine..." "We get a new secretary." "Competent." "Young." " I get your drift." " Blonde." "We'll fire Claire." "You know when to draw the line, Frank." "Way to go." " Super." "Will you do it?" " No, you will." " I'm not suited for the job." " You have to do it." " You're the one who insisted." " I know I'll say something stupid." " You do it." "Will you do it?" " All right, then." " There's Stanislav." "Say hi to him." " Crème de la crème." " He's coming over." "It was excellent." " That's great, Casper." "Eenie-meanie-miny-mo." "Does this look like Moe's Diner?" " I don't quite follow you." " Okay, listen up." "You booked a table for four." "Is something wrong with my cooking?" "It was a fantastic meal." " Right, Frank?" " It was excellent." "We've just been discussing it." "Our secretary made a huge blunder." "In the wake of this little episode, we've decided to fire her." "You can't fire her for not giving a shit about Stanislav's food." " We do give a shit about your food." " So fire her." " We will." " Promise?" " Cool." "Fuck that." "Cheers." " Great meal." "Great compliment." "Right, boys." "Let's have a drink." "Casper, just let me know if there's anything I can do." "You too, Frank." " You have my number?" "He doesn't." " That won't do." " I need paper, too." " Use this." "That's a Mont Blanc." "Numbered." " Numbered?" "What does that mean?" " Only 175 copies were made." " It's a Meister Pen." " It's cool, man." " I want one." "Can you get me one?" " That's impossible." " I'll take this one, then." " Oh no, you won't." " Frank's very fond of it." " I'm not parting with it." "I've bought some cutlery that Marilyn Monroe used." "The taste of it..." "Hi, Claire." "We need to have a serious talk." "How can I put it..." "I hope it's good news, because I've just had some really bad news." " It's not exactly good news." " Sorry, Frank..." " Maybe I have cancer!" " Oh dear, Claire..." " I'm sorry, Frank." " No need." "It's not your fault." "Remember Casper checked them for lumps?" "I went to the hospital yesterday." "They did a mammography." " The breast-press?" " Yeah." " I have to wait three days." " So it's not certain?" "Not 100 percent, but I can feel something." "What did you want to talk about?" "I've completely forgotten." "I'll come back if I remember." "I was seconds away from firing her, and she said, "I have cancer"." "Oh no." "She has cancer?" "It's not certain, but she's getting the results from a test." "I think Casper's planning on firing her." "You have to talk to him." "You hear me?" "You can't fire her." "You don't fire people who have cancer." "I'm having a royal visitor tomorrow." "Maybe I'm going to be Court Supplier." " Really?" "That's wonderful news." " I've bought a bottle of champagne." "And tomorrow someone named Albert is going to visit us at home." "They should've chosen you ages ago." "You're a pride to this country." " Why haven't you fired Claire?" " Because she has cancer, of course." " Are you sure?" " No." "But they've found a tumour." "They've taken a biopsy and they're testing it." " And when she gets the results..." " You know if it's benign or malign." "So this is Claire's week:" "Either she gets fired or she has cancer." "I'm afraid so." "That's the way it is." "That sucks." "We've got time for a pint afterwards, right?" "Hello, Trine!" " Hello." "How was the game?" " Just great." "Congratulations." "We're going to play again." " When are you going to play?" " Sunday." "I wanted to ask if maybe you could help me with something." "We can." "No matter what it is." "Do you know someone who could use a girl like me?" " Yes." " Bull's eye." " What do you want to do?" " I can do a bit of everything." "I can use a computer and I've done reception work here." " I know how to talk to people." " Not bad at all, eh?" " There might be an opening..." " Can't you say a bit more?" " I'm afraid not." " There may be a job as a secretary." " Somewhere in the future." " Where we'd still meet." "Every day." " That's all I can say." " At our office." "End of story." " Take care." "See you Sunday, Trine." " Thanks." "That would be just great." " She'd be great." " Oh boy." "She'd be fantastic." " Why does he need to meet me?" " That's pretty obvious." " But it's your shop." "Anything there?" " You're full of shaving cream." "Look." "You have to change your shirt." "And take that cap off." " Put on a jacket and comb your hair." " Yes, M'am." "Hurry up." " Wonderful tea." " Thank you." " And your shop is just adorable." " I've put a lot of work into it." "It's important that the shop looks attractive." "I'm going to meet Her Majesty on Monday and after this interview " " I'm sure everything will be fine." " Can I use the toilet?" " It's down the hall." "I hope the tea hasn't given you that rash." "I sure don't hope so either." " What is it?" " I just shaved." "I don't know why it gave me a rash." "Didn't you change the blade?" "I used it down there, remember?" "Great, Frank." "Now he thinks it's the tea." "Brilliant." "Brilliant." "Stop scratching it." "I'm sorry, I have to go." "It was a pleasure meeting you." "I hope you don't think I got this rash from the tea." "It's barber's rash." "The blade had been used for shaving pubic hair." "So that's probably why..." "I used it myself." " It wasn't Mia." " Thank you for the tea." "Listen, Claire, doctors can do all kinds of things now." "Of course you're scared." "We all are." "Take some days off, sweetheart." "Right." "Bye, Claire." " She's got cancer?" " Yes." "That's really..." " Bloody bad timing." " Couldn't be worse." "I don't know..." "Do you think it's my fault?" " For not feeling it?" " Of course not." " I've fondled her breasts often." " You didn't know what to look for." "Those were lovely breasts, Frank." "What happens now?" "Can we have a receptionist without breasts?" "She'll look weird with just one breast." " We can't." " I can't face all that sickness." "Bloody hell." "Now we have to keep her, till she dies." " Or gets cured." " I don't know what the chances are." " Or until she learns Danish." " Never mind that if she's bald." "We can't keep her." "But we have to." "Best not tell the girls that I've fondled her breasts so often." "No." "Sure." " That's life." " Are you coming tonight?" "We're having a couple of Lars' ducks." "It'll be great." " Do you know the cooking time?" " Yes." "Remove the feathers first." " And the innards." " I'd better call Stanislav." "I think the duck is just fine." "It smells wonderful." " Yummy, yummy, yummy." " Yummy stuff." " It's going to be yummy." " Oh yes." " What about the sauce?" " I'll just add a bit more cream." "This is bloody perfect." "Five minutes, right?" " Are both of you leaving the food?" " It's simmering away nicely." "I'd like to make a little announcement." " Are you pregnant?" " I was just about to ask that." "No." "I've become an official Court Supplier." " You're kidding!" " That's great." "Well done!" "But I hope Prince Joachim won't come and inspect the premises." "I have a nasty story about Joachim." "It's ugly." "You know that place where you hire ponies in the Deer Garden?" " Who's coming?" " I really don't know." " Frankie!" " Stanislav?" "I'm doing just fine." "I forgot to say you can't use hot air for those birds." "Let me check them." "Okay." "But I'm doing fine, you know." "Stanislav just dropped by." "Hello!" "Why didn't you say who were your guests?" " Great to see you again!" " He's the chef at Gastronomique." "This is cosy." "Too bad I didn't bring my slippers and a tent." "Let me taste it..." " Oh dear." "Sorry, this just won't do." " You can't..!" " Take it easy, Frank." " My sauce!" "Take it easy." "I'll make the sauce." "Lose the bib." " Are you going to make the sauce?" " You bet." " He's making a new sauce." " Why did you invite him?" "I didn't." "He just turned up." "I called him and asked about roasting times." "That's like asking him to come." "This is really nice." "Great to see all of you." "How about I join you?" "Know what?" "I will." "I'm no trouble at all." "Cheers." "I didn't dare throw him out, honey." "He runs Gastronomique, you know." "And he's an aggressive fellow." "Those Slavs are so hot-headed." " Has he hit anyone?" " It's a question of seconds." "But the food was excellent." " Where's my pen?" " I don't know." "I don't understand, honey." "I just know..." "Scout's honour..." "I put my Mont Blanc pen in that tin bowl." " And now it's gone." " Yes." " Must I solve this mystery alone?" " What do you want me to do?" " I need my pen if I get a good idea!" " We'll look for it tomorrow." "I'd like to know what Iben's story was about Prince Joachim." "Maybe he has a sickness in his willy or something." "Whatever makes you think so?" "I don't know." " I shouldn't say such things." " You said it." " You shouted it from the rooftops." " I take it back." "You can't." "It's hanging in the air." "The sickness in Joachim's willy." "Anyway." "We'd like to discuss the possibility of a cooperation   where we buy a share of Zentropa." " We can discuss the percentage." " I say buy as much as possible." "Hi, guys." "Nice dinner the other day." "I had a great time." " Is everything all right?" " It's just perfect." "Stanislav, we're taking an important decision here." "Can we talk later?" "Of course." " The thing is..." " Stanislav?" "Sorry." "I'll be quick." "Have you seen my Mont Blanc pen?" " No, I haven't." " You remember I used it here?" " Sure." " You were very keen on it." "It's disappeared, you see." "I keep it on the bedside table." "What?" "You're not calling me a thief, are you?" " No, I'm just saying..." " Don't call me a thief!" "What the hell's going on, Casper?" "I cooked dinner for your friends." "Ducks, potatoes, gravy, the works!" "I'm a fucking busy person!" "I wait on you hand and foot." "I want you to leave." "Right now." "Off you go." " I just said that..." " Get out." "... maybe you had taken my pen by accident." " Beat it!" "Now!" " Boy, does he feel guilty." "Watch it." "I don't want to see the two of you again." "That, Frank, was the biggest fucking cock-up you ever made." "Everything was lined up and you have to talk about your fucking pen!" "I just asked if he'd seen my pen." " And he freaked out." " We've had it." "We're fucking ruined!" " Idiot." " I'm sorry." "Hi." "Sorry." "Will you sign our caps?" "Sure." "But I haven't got a pen." "Someone stole it." " Maybe we can ask them in there." " My name is Naja." "Did you graduate today?" "Oh, yesterday." "Congratulations." "You want Casper to sign it too?" " I don't know." "Who is he?" " Casper Christensen." "Casper Christensen?" "He looks like an idiot with that beard." "It makes you look a lot older." " Like Father Christmas." " Casper..." " Now he's mad." " He didn't like that." "Forget those girls." " Why the hell didn't you say it?" " I told you your beard was long." "You never said it didn't look good." "I had to face three girls..." " And they didn't recognise you." " Suddenly I'm just an old fart..." " Why did they say that?" " They think everyone over 20 is old." "I have to go." "There's a royal to-do at the shop." "Mia's getting her diploma." "Hi, girls." "I'll just sign this, and you'll be official Court Suppliers." "That's wonderful." " There you go." "Congratulations." " Thank you." " Let's drink to that." " Her Majesty sends her regards." "Thank you very much." " Can I have a strawberry?" " We've got chocolate, too." "I'll just stick to the strawberries." "Right then..." "Has anyone seen my Mont Blanc pen?" " I think I put it here." " You just used it." " Did it fall on the floor?" " How odd." "Have you seen it?" "When you find it..." "If you find it, would you give me a call?" "Congratulations." " Goodbye." " Bye." " Are you sure it's yours?" " Quite sure." " I know my pen when I see it." " The nerve of him!" " Frank, did you change that blade?" " No." " I thought you did that." " Really..." " You have to keep track of them." " I have barber's rash down here." "We'd better get out the torch, so the vet can take a look at it." "What..?" "What the hell?" " Oh Frank..." " I don't understand it, honey." "So..." "That means..." " This is so stupid." " Who put it under the bed?" " Now I've got two." " It's so stupid." "We're a family." "The three of us stick together like..." " Hi." "Am I interrupting?" " Not at all." "Nice to see you." "I brought my resume." "You said there'd be a job as secretary soon." "I'm afraid not." "Claire's got cancer, so we can't fire her." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." " I'll be off again." "Bye." " Bye." "But you do have cancer, Claire."