"Previously on The Last Man on Earth..." "You're not gonna believe the crazy thing I just saw out there." "Maybe you're just a little confused about what you saw." "How much have you had to drink today?" "(coughing)" "He has to go now." "Well, maybe I should just go away for a while." " All right?" " It's a cold, Mike." ""So long, Phil." "Didn't want you to have to say good-bye again."" "You sure about this, Tandy?" "Carol, I'm his brother." "Fine, just please be safe." "I want you to come home so that Yorbalinda or Bezequiel can meet their daddy." "Hey, hey, don't worry." "I'll be back before you know it." "Nothing in this world is more important to me than our baby, okay?" "Hey there, little guy or gal." "(giggles)" "Your daddy's going on a little trip to see your Uncle Mike." "Heck, I just realized he probably doesn't even know what an uncle is." "That means he's my brother." "We had the same mother and father." "Mothers and fathers are the people who make little babies like you." "Now, how do they do that?" "Simple... when a man and a woman share a special connection," " the man takes his penis and..." " Ooh!" "Baby's asleep." "It's go time." "How do you know where he is?" "He didn't say where he was going." "Hey... there's only one place he could have gone." "(Back to the Future theme playing)" "(groans)" "Mike?" "(whispering):" "Mike." "Oh, God, no." "Mike." "Oh, no... oh, no." " (shouts) - (screams)" "(laughs)" "Ooh, I got you." "(laughing):" "Okay, yeah, you kind of got me." "Kind of?" "Brother, that was a full-on gotcha." "That was a good dead." "What are you doing here?" "I specifically asked you not to come." "That's why I came." "High five." "TODD:" "The last of the cheese." "Really sucks that we have to go without dairy again." "Well, just until me and Erica start breastfeeding." " Oh, no, Carol..." " Oh..." "God, we're not making cheese from your boob juice." "More for me." " (calf moos)" " ERICA:" "Aw." "Poor guy, sounds like he's upset." "What are we gonna do with him?" "Any veal fans in the hizzy?" " No, Gail!" " Please, stop." " Fine, he's only gonna get..." " Come on." "less tender and less delicious." "I wonder how Mike's doing." "Yeah, maybe we overreacted." "Hell no, we didn't, and if any one of you start coughing up blood," "I'd kick your asses out of here so fast, your head would spin." "Well, I'm glad we mean so much to you, Melissa." "(calf moos)" "What on earth is wrong with him?" "Hey, little calf, what's got your goat?" "Come on, little guy, moo it out to us." "Maybe we'll understand." "(mechanical whirring)" "I'm almost afraid to ask this, but everybody saw that, right?" " (calf moos)" " Yeah." "Oh, my God, strawberry head with frog eyes." "Hmm." "Aw, our hands were turkeys." " (both chuckling)" " Oh, my..." "Oh, what is this?" "Oh, no, no, no, don't open that!" " What?" " Don't touch that." " Be very careful with that." " What is it?" "There is something very special in there." "Look, it's empty." "I can understand why you would think that, but, no, you're wrong." "You're wrong." "'Cause this, my friend, is full of active fart." "So, you farted into a jar and you saved it?" "Eh, this is not some whimsical pursuit, Mike." "This is a valid scientific experiment and an important one at that." "How long can a fart retain its unique smell composition" " in a sealed jar?" " Yeah, well," "I hate to burst your bubble, but if that thing's been in there for 30 years, it's long gone." "Y-You're simply wrong here, Mike." "Phil... sweetie, I'm a scientist." "Wh-What, were you a friggin' analyst in NASA's fartology and toots division?" "No, but I can assure you that that fart has since dissipated." "Well, guess what, Einstein, you're wrong as a dong all day long, and I'm about to prove that to you." "Okay." "Okay, let's see what we got in here, huh?" "Take a sniff of clean air to, you know, rinse the palate." "(breathes deeply)" "Okay." "Like Capone's vault." "(breathes deeply)" "(laughing):" "Oh, my God, that is so friggin' rank." "Check that out." "Oh, my God." "Pee-friggin'-yoo!" "I knew it!" "Ha!" " Right." " Suck on that." "Well, congratulations, bud." "Cap even smells." "Historical finding." " I know." " Well, how... how do you know that the fart you're smelling came from that jar and not, say, an alternate source?" "What kind of frigging alternate source would be...?" "Oh, you didn't." "Mike, you didn't." "I pooted." "I pooted a little bit." "You son of a bitch!" " You knew I wanted..." " Well, you should have told me you were gonna open it up, I..." "I was very clear about opening it, Mike!" "I made a big spectacle of it!" "Would you say you made, like, a big stink about it?" " Burn. (laughs)" " Oh... so rude." " (coughs)" " Oh..." " you don't get it." " (coughing)" "That's 30 years of science down the tubes." "Whoa, whoa..." "Oh, my God, Mike." "Just take the bottle, huh?" "Come on, it's really good." "Look, look." "Mmm... mmm." "Who do you think's flying that thing?" "I'm just putting it out there," "I hope it's an OB-GYN." "I'm just happy that it's real and there's nothing wrong with my brain chemistry, and I can, you know, glug, glug, glug again." "CAROL:" "Come on... please, just take the bottle." "I don't... oh... okay." "(chuckles)" "(mechanical whirring)" "Guys, it's back." "Grab your signs." " Oh!" " Hurry." "Hold up." "Hey!" " Hey!" " Hey!" " _ - (all shouting)" "(gunshot)" "(all gasp)" "ERICA:" "What the hell?" "Why would you do that?" "Because whoever sent this thing is trouble." "You don't know that." " They could have been nice." " Nice?" "No, a nice person says, "Hey, guys, I'm alive, here's a pound cake."" "They don't plant a freakin' camera at our front door, doing recon on us." "I just can't believe you, Melissa." "That was another survivor out there." "You just shot them in the face." "No, Todd, we're the survivors, and I'm trying to keep it that way." "There she is." "How long have I been out?" "Mike... you've been asleep for four years." "JK, about three hours." "(laughs)" "(coughs)" "You okay?" "I'm fine." "(coughing)" "Hey, seriously, are you okay?" "(coughs)" "Oh, God." "Oh, no, Phil." "Phil, it's okay." " It burns." " What do you... wh-wh-where?" "It's burning." "I don't know." "(crying):" "I don't know where." "It's just burning everywhere." "It burns." "You're gonna be okay." " Did yours burn, too?" " No, no, no, it should... it's all right." "(crying):" "It burns like Sriracha." "(crying)" "(groans)" "I infected you!" " Disgusting." " Oh, God." "Oh, dear God!" "The Srirachening!" "(wailing)" "Burn." "Okay, can we just stop with the pranks, please?" "Nice try, Mike." " (laughing)" " No, I'm being serious, okay?" "I just don't feel like joking around right now, okay." " (coughs)" " Fine." "We do a rain check on the joking" " to commence upon your full recovery." " See, this is exactly why I didn't want you to come, 'cause you can't handle." "There's nothing to handle, Mike." "Can you please just be honest?" "Honest about what?" "About everything!" "About anything." "I..." "I'm not doing good here, man." "(coughs)" "Everything's a frigging joke to you." "(whispering):" "Okay." "You want honesty?" "Yeah, I do." "I don't like what you did to my hair." "(sarcastic):" "No." "I fr..." "I friggin' hate it." "I was not gonna give myself this haircut." "I-I didn't want you to get the victory, though, so I just said that I loved it, but... it was all an act, man." "A freakin' act." "You're real good at acting." "I know." "Well, if you don't like it, why don't we do something about it?" "("Falling Slowly" by Glen Hansard  Marketa Irglova plays)" "♪ I don't know you ♪" "♪ But I want you ♪" "♪ All the more for that ♪" "♪ Take this ♪" "♪ Sinking boat ♪" "♪ And point it home ♪" "♪ We've still got ♪" "♪ Time ♪" "♪ Raise your hopeful voice ♪" "♪ You have a choice ♪" "♪ You've made it ♪" "♪ Now... ♪" "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Now I got to be honest with you." "That's the best policy." "(chuckles)" "I want you to leave." "No, I'm staying." "I want to be here for you." "I just..." "Phil, I just wish you would go home." "Well... sorry, but reverse genie." "Wish denied." "What is your problem?" "!" "Huh?" "!" "You are the most childish, selfish person I have ever met!" "You made a mess of your whole life, and now you're messing with my death!" "What do you mean, I messed up my life?" "Sorry, that was wrong of me." "You never had a life." "You're just a loser temp." "Never had a girlfriend." "Lived in a crappy studio apartment that Mom and Dad paid for." "The only time you even came close to actually being special was when everyone died but you." "Well, looks like you really have me pegged there." "(door slams)" "(Mike coughing)" "I'm sorry." "I only said that stuff 'cause I was trying to push you away." "Come on, i-it's all true." "I'm a freaking loser." "No, you're not." "Look at what you did." "You... you brought all those people together, you... with the signs, you know." "Like, you restarted society." "That's amazing." " Maybe you should have led with that." " Yeah." " I went..." "I went too far, yeah." " Very rough, man." "Let's go inside." "(coughing)" "What is that?" "Um..." "You had to bury them." "I'm so sorry." "(sniffs)" "Wait, is that...?" "I thought you were gone." "I didn't know what to do." "(sniffs)" "You know what... you already had to do this once, you shouldn't have to do it again." " I think you got to go back to Malibu." " No, I'm..." "I'm not going back." " Okay, you're going back." " No, we've already gone... through this before." " I'm telling you." " I'm not going back." " It's my dying wish." " Okay?" "Okay?" "My dying wish." "(footfalls approaching)" " (screams) - (calf mooing)" "Oh, my God, Carol?" " (calf mooing)" " What the hell is going on?" "!" "I thought it was an intruder." "Oh, my gosh, my water broke." "Way too soon for that, hon." "Oh, yeah, it's pee." "Look, I'm sorry, but there's a crazy person out there." "I think there might be a crazy person in here." "I am not crazy, okay?" "!" "This world is not safe!" "Phil is dead." "The cow is dead." "Mike is dying, and now there's this thing flying around, spying on us." "It's just a little much." "See?" "Even the calf wants out of this stupid world." "Melissa... give me your hand." "Ugh, Carol, you're five weeks pregnant." "I'm not gonna feel anything." "Really?" "'Cause I think you are." "There's a life in there." "It's a life that's never gonna know the pre-virus world we lived in... only this world... and this world... can't suck." "I won't stand for it." "(crying):" "I'm sorry." "It's okay." "(Mike coughing)" "(coughing)" "(exhales)" "So..." " So..." " So..." "I, uh, got something for you." "(laughs)" "You didn't." "Figure you could crack that open in 30 years." "Take a whiff, see what's what." "We'll open it together." "Yeah." "Yeah." "(coughs)" "(whispering):" "Okay." "Mike?" "Got something for you, too." "These are my buddies." "They got me through some hard times." "Thanks, Phil." "(whispering):" "All right." "(car door closes)" "(engine starts)" "Hi." "Hey." "I like the new hairdo and face-do." "I love you." "I love you, too." "(calf moos)" "(Carol gasps)" "Will you look at that?" "I have been trying to get him to eat for the past three days." "He's suckled on everything but this bottle." "I mean, Melissa's shotgun, spatulas, doorknobs." "Gail had some sort of vibrating massage finger." "He was a big fan of that, but I could never get him to suckle on this, and then you waltz in here like the second coming of Old MacDonald and make it happen." "(calf suckling)" "You're gonna be a great father." "That was really sweet, Carol." "Oh, hey, thanks, Melissa." "She tried to shoot me." "Todd." "Erica." "Full disclosure, I have had a baker's dozen wines, but I think I'm seeing something kind of on the spectacular side out here." "Could I get a little confirm-a-doodle-doo on this?" "ERICA:" "Carol, Tandy, come look at this." "What the hell?" "MELISSA:" "Hey, what's going on out there?" "There's a boat!" "Whoa." "Is anybody on it?" "TANDY:" "Yeah, some hairy guy." "Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute." "He's got company." "Oh, dear God." "Oh, dear God." "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." "Oh, farts."