"Once upon a time the rich gave thanks for their fortune." "...by worshipping in the city's cathedral." "But all that has changed." "Now we worship our hedonistic culture at five-star temples." "...such as Hotel Babylon... where we've stopped worrying about what will happen to us." "...in the next world." "...because we're too busy enjoying ourselves in this one." "And if that means betraying people who love us." "...so we can get rich quick, then what's the problem?" "It's not as if God's watching." "Or maybe he is." "Some people are starting to feel guilty about all this excess so they look to a preacher or a faith healer." "...to guarantee their ticket into paradise." "Mr Slaughter, we are so pleased to have you with us." "It's an honour." "Mr Parminder." "I'm Emily James, head of PR, and this is Jack Harrison, general manager." " Welcome." " Good morning." "Everything is set upstairs for your interview with the religious cable channel and I have to say I think your doing an interview at Babylon." " is a fantastic idea." " Close your eyes." "Now take a deep breath." "And open." " How do you feel?" " Amazing." "First, I've never had a career, what I have is a calling, yeah?" "A sense of mission I've had since I was a kid." "I'm only a mouthpiece for the big man." "An increasingly successful mouthpiece." "The Sermon on the Mount was the Woodstock of its day, yeah?" "Five thousand folk listened back then." "I'm not embarrassed one little bit by going big." " He's good, isn't he?" " No, he's the best." "The truth has and always will pull a big crowd." "Truth has and always will pull a big crowd." "Truth has and always will pull a big crowd." "Yeah, so I said to him, "If you not buy my drinks..." " "you no eat my nuts. "" " How..." " How often was this happening?" " Nearly every day." "Then sometimes he bring his dog and feed the snacks to him as well." "Right, so let me get this straight, Gino." "This guy just wanders in off the street, he doesn't buy a drink and then he just sits there and watches." "whilst his dog just licks your salted nuts." "Exactly." "Okay, you're in room 110." "Enjoy your stay with us." "Thank you." " I need to ask you a favour." " Of course." "A very personal favour." " Sorry I'm late." " No, you're not late." "You're just early for tomorrow's meeting." "Did I miss anything?" "Only much mirth resulting from the deliberate confusion." "...between some salty bar snacks and Gino's testicles." "Well, I was listening to Jonah Slaughter being interviewed in his room." " I must have lost track of time." " Jonah who?" " Britain's answer to Morris Cirillo." " Morris who?" "Oh, he's a leading American evangelist who books out Earl's Court every summer." "Slaughter has ambitions to become his British equivalent." "After much, much success up north he's decided to bring his mission down to one of the bigger London venues." "Emily thinks we should court him before he hits the big time." "If his plans take off, he will be filling the O2 arena." "...year on year for a week at a time." " Well, that is a lot of sandals." " Church God may be on its knees, Tony but Stadium God is very much on the march, and not in sandals." "Enter." "Jack, I have a guest who insists on speaking with you." " About?" " My son." " What about him?" " He wants to put him in the hotel safe." "Perhaps I could escort you inside, madam." "Standing there, you make a rather juicy target for any cabs pulling up." " Oh." "I'm so sorry." " It's okay." "Neon red is just the most beautiful colour, isn't it?" "Ah, well, to be honest, you're the first guest." "who's ever commented on it." "In my village there's just a single BB." "Oh, and two dingy rooms above the local pub." "While we offer more amenities than those particular establishments... we like to feel we offer the same warmth and hospitality." "Please allow me to escort you to reception." " Oh, that's so kind you." " It'll be my pleasure." "Thank you." "The bar's this way, Mr Cathcart." "I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to my time here." "Oh, well, that's always nice to hear." "I've been looking forward to this for 30 years." "Oh, well, I only hope we can live up to your expectations." " Gino will look after you from now on." " Thank you." "Okay." "Excuse me." "Could you point me towards the quietest table you have?" "Well, if you want to sit quietly." "...and watch the pretty girls go by, that table." "But if you want to sit quietly and get slowly drunk, that table." "I just want to read a book." "You mean, you want to pretend to read a book." "...and then sneak the peek at the gorgeous women." "I've been meaning to read this for 30 years." "I finally managed to clear one whole day." "...to do nothing but finish." "...one of the greatest comic masterpieces of the 20th century." " That?" " Yes." " I read a book like that once." " Oh, yes?" "It wasn't very good." "Reception." "What seems to be the problem with it, sir?" "Well, I can assure you that all of our double beds are king size beds, sir." "No, I'm afraid I'm unable to tell you." "which particular king bed it was originally modelled on." "Moron." "What would you like, tea or coffee?" "Is it too early for a teensy weensy G and T?" " Never." " Only a little less teeny weeny." " with the G than with the T." " Of course." "I believe it was Mark Twain." "who once remarked that an alcoholic is anyone." "we don't like who drinks more than we do." "Actually, I believe it was Dylan Thomas." " Ms Quigley." " Mr Parminder." " Good of you to come." " Good of you to ask me." " All set?" " Yeah." "I'm feeling a little nervy but I'll be okay." "Thank you." "Mmm." "Nerves all gone." "Jonah will be down in a second." "He and I will be in conversation with a member of the hotel staff." " Choose your moment and come over." " Right." " Emily." " Hi." " Jonah will be down in a second." " Excuse me." "The more exclusivity you give us, the easier it will be." " To sell my boss on the whole deal." " I thought he was sold." "Are you planning on doing some sightseeing while you're in London?" "Jonah wants me to record the venues that we're looking at going into." " So we can review them later." " Oh, good idea." "I'm sorry to keep you waiting." "More business." "Emily was just explaining the situation between herself and her boss." " Situation?" " Well, between you and me he's being a tad over-cautious about the possibility of a relationship." "Would it help if I had a chat in person?" " Oh, yes, it would." "Yes." " Good." "Excuse me?" " You are who I think you are?" " It's eminently possible." " Jonah Slaughter?" " That's me." " My mother was a huge admirer of yours." " That's always nice to hear." " How do you sleep at night?" " Excuse me?" "Well, knowing how much money." "...you've swindled out of people who believed in you." "Okay, Nathan, why don't you handle this." "while Emily and I continue the meeting upstairs?" "My mother left your organisation every penny she had leaving me practically destitute!" "If you could just calm down for a moment..." "I'm sure we can discuss your concerns in a more Christian fashion." "What on earth was all that about?" "We frequently receive bequeathed money to support our work... which proves difficult for bypassed relatives to swallow." "Yes, I can see that." "Oh, which floor did you want?" "Same, thanks." " I wonder how she knew you were here." " Oh, she must have read my blog." "Nathan thinks I give out too much info about my movements." "But I say it makes people feel a part of my success." "More involved, like we're all on the same journey." "Well, you'll have to become more careful as you get ever more famous." "Maybe." "Uno fizzio H20." " Lemon-o?" " The guest-o requested just ice-o." "Somebody's enjoying themselves." "He come to the hotel to read all of that book." "What, just that?" "What a waste of time for all that rubbish." " Have you read it?" " I read the title, Catch-22." "Title of a good book would tell you where you catch 22 of." " Well, I don't know..." " If I don't know what they're catching 22 of, how do I know if I going to be interested." "...in a story that tells me how you catch them?" "Twenty-two little fishes, I'm not interested." "Twenty-two sharks, I'm very interested." "Twenty-two tigers, I'm very interested." "Twenty-two mouses, no." "I'm not at all interested at all." " Thanks for the water, Gino." " No problem." "It's not as if I've done anything evil per se." "But I have burned the candle at both ends in my time." "...and quite often in the middle as well." " Things you're ashamed of now?" " Well, yes, actually." " God loves you, Emily." " Even after I..." "Even after that." "God forgives all who genuinely seek forgiveness, Emily." " Isn't that right, Nathan?" " Hello, Mr Slaughter." " Oh." " Now, before you say anything..." "I think you should listen to what Caroline has to say." " Nathan..." " Just listen as I have listened downstairs with an open heart and mind." "I think you'll be glad you did." "Well, I'll just get it, then, shall I?" "Reception." "Yes, sir." "Your room does have a panoramic view." "What do you mean, it's the wrong panorama?" "Oh, he's annoying." "Sir, you can't have a room overlooking Buckingham Palace." "...because we don't have any rooms that do that." "Good day." "My mother loved your meetings." "She was really blown away by them." " Especially the faith healing aspect." " I'm just the Lord's tool." "But when I brought her to see you..." "I had no idea that this would be the outcome." "Look, I hear what you're saying." "...and I understand your frustration, I'd be the same." "But with all due respect..." "I cannot be held accountable for your mother's decisions." "She left £30,000 to your organisation." "We have no choice but to see that as her choice." "But that money was supposed to go towards a deposit." "...for a little house by the sea once she..." "Well, once she..." " Oh, here." " Thank you." "What are you playing at bringing her here?" "I thought she had a story worth listening to." " Everything will be fine." " Will it?" "The Lord moves in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform." "Reception." "It's a weird male voice asking to speak to the female receptionist." " Tell him I'm not here." " Okay." "Hello, just handing you over, sir." "He doesn't like the pictures on his wall." " I don't want to speak to him." " I've just said you are..." "You're going to die." "When I do, I'll find myself in a much hotter version of this lobby." "with you, no doubt, roasting beside me." "Hello, sir." "Anna speaking." "Well, our pictures are specifically chosen to be as inoffensive as possible." "Their inoffensiveness in itself is offensive." "I don't know what you mean." "How dare you say that?" "You know nothing..." "He hung up on me." "Uh-oh." "Receptionist or not, no one hangs up on me." "Oh, I'm sure he didn't mean to." "He probably just slipped." "Right, hold the fort." "Whoa, what about if I need to go to the toilet?" "Which, as I've mentioned the possibility, I now do." " Well, hold it and the fort." " But..." " James, I need to ask you a favour." " Yes, of course, if I can." "That's not what I think it is." "Inside this urn are the remains." "...of the 21-year-old son of one of our guests." "Are you out of your mind?" "Bringing human remains into my restaurant?" "The guest has asked me to keep it." "Him." "The urn with him inside, he's asked me to keep it somewhere safe." "Then might I suggest, and this may sound a little old-fashioned but the hotel safe?" " The hotel safe is full." " Your office, then." "Every time I go and work, I become overwhelming conscious." "...that I'm sharing the room with a..." "With a corpse." " In powder form, not as eerie, surely." " Eerie enough." "Which is why I'd like you to store it for me." " In the restaurant?" " You've got lots of cupboards." "For storing napkins and cutlery, not the dead." "Isn't your pay review due in a month?" "I am shocked and appalled." "...by the ease with which you would abuse your position." "So am I." "But then I think to myself, why have my position." "...if I can't abuse it every now and again?" "I'll just leave it here." "No." "No, you can't, Jack." "Wish me luck, son." "That's my mum." "Look at that smile on her face." "She was the life and soul of every party even when she could no longer recognise the other guests." "And here she is just after we've seen Jesus Christ Superstar." "...at the Lyceum Theatre." "She loved it." "Look, I've explained my position." "Now, please..." "Oh, please, what?" " Please, shut up and go away." " No." "That's what you mean, that's what you feel it's what you want." "You want to take my money." "...and for me to accept it as a fait accompli." "My mother is dead." " But my hands are tied." " You could untie them." "You just don't want to." " Room service." " Did you order room service?" " No, did you?" " Lf I had, why would I ask you?" "I have no idea why you brought her here so who can say how in command of your senses you are at the moment?" "Oh, well, if they're really busy downstairs then occasionally they get the orders mixed up." "I suppose the most embarrassing example was when a Japanese businessman." "...phoned down and ordered a spit roast but accidentally the order got to Tony..." "Go away." "I, uh..." "I think you must have the wrong room." " We didn't order anything." " Don't shout." " Step back in the room." " Oh." "Sit on the bed." "It's open." "I don't care if it's open, I've absolutely no intention of coming in." " Now, please come to the door." " I can't." " Why not?" " Because you sound too angry." "Who's in there?" "Surprise!" "Ned?" "But you're at a conference in Geneva." "Yeah, well, that's what I wanted you to think." "But why would you wind me up with all of those ridiculous phone calls." "...and that stupid voice?" "Well, because I thought the more I wound you up the more fun I could have unwinding you." "Ooh." "Isn't it enough that you have a gun?" "Do you need to point it at us?" "She's right." "Three years ago, my son was set to go to university." "And when he was diagnosed with leukaemia... we assumed his chance had gone." "But once his treatment kicked in, you couldn't stop him." "Medication was tough, but it was working." "And then, one evening, halfway through his first term, feeling low he went looking for a bit of extra help and found himself in a meeting you were holding in the university church." "No one's more stressed these days than young people." "Debt, weight of expectation." "I feel for them, I really do." "And trust me, so does God." " Was your son very religious?" " No." "But his new medication was taking time to gain a foothold." "He was tired, doubting himself." "He came to you for a private consultation." "God's love is the greatest medicine of all." "Yeah, he said that's what you told him." "He told us that, as a consequence, he felt a different person." "Renewed, strong, convinced by the power of prayer." "By the time his mother and I found out he had stopped taking his pills..." " The leukaemia had spread." " Oh, how bad was it?" "He could have had another 21 years." " Instead, 21 was his age when he died." " Oh, I'm so sorry." " I need a drink." " Nobody move!" "Whose is that?" " It's my boss." " Let it ring out and then turn it off." "Hi, it's Emily James'phone." "Please leave a message." "It's only a matter of time before I'm missed." "Yeah, by then I'll have done what I came here to do." "My friend, you're making a terrible mistake here." "Now, I want you over this side of the room." " Everybody else, on the bed." " Can I just take this?" "Yeah, all right." "But onto the bed." "I never told your son to stop taking his medicine." "If he hadn't come to see you, he'd still be alive." " You offered him false hope." " I offered him God's love." "It's what I do." "You might as well have stuck a knife through his heart." "Whatever your grievance is against Mr Slaughter..." " This is not the way to solve it." " I don't want to solve it." "I want to stop him doing it to someone else." " Now, move." " No." " Jonah!" " I won't." "I said, move!" "Excuse me, please." "Coming through." "Sorry." "Oh!" "Anna, you are the most beautiful smart, funny sexy woman I've ever met." "I wanted you from the moment I first set eyes on you." "Oh, Ned." "Anna..." "Will you..." "Oh, God, I'm so sorry." "No, no, this is not fair." " Why is it not fair?" " How can you decide whether or not." "...you want to spend the rest of your life with me... when you don't even know what that life will be like?" "Well, I'm imagining lots of lovely things." "Yes, well, we'll spend lots of time together." "...and we'll be one of those couples." "who are completely devoted to one another, I promise." " I'd love that." " Okay, let's try again, shall we?" "Okay." "Anna..." "Maybe we should have a drink first." "You know, just to steady our nerves." "Okay." "You see, while I was planning all this it all seemed completely clear in my head." "Get down on one knee, pop the, er... question." "I suddenly realised that our life our future together is far too important." "...not to be completely crystal clear about." " But spontaneity is good." " Oh, I love spontaneity." "But I've always thought that spontaneity is best when planned." "Right." "I deal with people in distress every day of the week." "I hear what they really mean beneath their words, what they really want." " What do I really want?" " To express your pain." "For your grief to be acknowledged." " Okay, that's it." "I quit." " Be quiet." "I agreed to play the part of an aggrieved victim not to participate in broad farce." " Now is really not the time." " Please, be quiet." " What do you mean, play the part?" " I'm an actor." " What?" " Rather renowned, actually." "You probably read about my one-woman adaptation." "...of Glengarry Glen Ross at the Old Red Lion, Islington." "I live near Bolton and I hate the theatre." "Nathan, do you mind telling me what the bloody hell is going on?" " Gino, you haven't seen Emily, have you?" " That man with the book." " What about him?" " Thinking to ask him to leave my bar." "Is he eating your nuts without buying a drink?" "That book is making him laugh so loud, he drive all the other customers away." " It's a very funny book." " You know it?" "Well, of course, it's a famous book." "It's set in the second world war." "Oh, that's it." " It's about to catch 22 Nazis, eh?" " No." "Catch-22 is the explanation of why it's impossible for a sane person." "...to escape a crazy system by rational argument alone." "I don't understand." "A simpler version would be something like, um... what came first, the chicken or the egg?" " The egg, obviously." " Ah, you see, what laid that first egg?" "Come along, everybody know the egg come from the chicken." "If you see Emily, just tell her I'm looking for her." "Wait a minute." " Where did the first chicken come from?" " Ah, just tell her." "Yes." "I'm sorry, I know it probably feels a little bit rushed and a bit full-on." "It's just that, um..." "You see, the thing is I've been offered a job." " Oh." " Yeah, a pretty incredible job actually." "The senior consultancy in one of the largest hospitals in the country." " Oh, well, that's fantastic." " Thank you." "It's in York." " That's up north." " Yes, yes." "And I know that you're a London girl at heart." "Yes, but I'm also incredibly fickle, so..." "Well, um, you know, I thought we could buy a nice big house." "...on the edge of the city, a stone's throw from the moors." "I'll be your Heathcliff, you'll be my Cathy." "Didn't they die, sad and miserable?" "Yes, they did, but we'll have all of their passion." "...and none of their pain, I promise." "Okay, well, that sounds a lot better." "Oh, Anna, with you by my side, we'll have a glorious life." "Oh." "Now, where were we?" "As the scenario in which I'm currently cast." "...appears to be coming somewhat overcrowded..." "I shall take my bow and exit stage right pursued, I hope not, by a man bearing arms." "I do not share top billing with anyone." "No, no, I can't allow you to leave." "I'm sorry, not yet." "Do stop waving that thing about." "I know a fake gun when I see one." "I assure you, there's nothing fake about this." "And a fellow ham." "Tell me, how many of us exactly have you hired." "...to deliver this lesson in hubris?" "And I do hope she's on equity minimum because I find her performance utterly unconvincing." "I work for the hotel." "Is this woman some kind of a hired stooge?" " And him." " I'm not a stooge." "Okay, so you can stay in character longer than I can." "Frankly, it's not a competition worth winning." "I can't believe this." "I mean, this is unbelievable." "You're supposed to be my closest friend and adviser." "And it's in that capacity I acted." "You weak, spineless..." "You Judas." " Jonah!" " Judas!" " Jonah!" " Jesus!" "Everybody, except you, onto the bed!" " You're right." "You've made your point." " He's real!" "How can I believe a word you say any more?" "I am real!" "Your accent's all over the place, your costume's inconsistent." "And where did you find this man?" "The back page of The Stage?" "Sir..." "I want complete silence from everyone." "Anna, it wasn't a gunshot." "It was just..." "I don't know, it was a door slamming or something." "I've worked in hotels all of my life." "...and I've slammed every door that there is to slam and that was no door slamming!" "Look, Anna, please..." "Right, don't move a muscle." "And whilst I'm gone, I'm going to have a little think." "...about the answer to your question, okay?" " Did you hear that?" " Yeah." " Bang!" " Yeah, what do you think it was?" "I know what it was." "It was a gun." "That's what I thought." "We need to find the duty manager." "Let's go." " You all right there, boss?" " No, I can't find Emily." "Not only can I not find her, I can't get her on her mobile, either." "It just keeps going straight onto voicemail." "That's not like her." "Why are you walking like that?" "Crystal balls?" " I'm bursting to go to the loo." " I see." "I've been covering for Anna." "She went up to a room to have words with a guest about 20 minutes ago..." " And I've heard nothing since." " What kind of words?" "Harsh ones, with lots of pointy bits all over them." " Which room?" " I don't know." " And what about Emily?" " What about her?" "Have you seen her?" "Not since she went into the lift with that guy." "Which guy?" "I'm so desperate to go to the loo, I can't concentrate." "The Christian guy!" "Can I go to the toilet, please?" " Go." " Thank you." "Oh, Ben?" "What's Mr Slaughter's room number?" "I don't know, but it'll be on the computer." "You want me to ride shotgun?" "No, you keep an eye on things down here." "Did you hear just now, like, a bang?" " A bang?" " Yeah, I thought I heard a bang." "What kind of bang?" "Well, you know, like a bang-bang." "Like, bang!" "Like that." "You know, you spend far too long standing by those doors." "The draught is finally getting to you." "Ah, here we go." "Yeah, I actually saw it happen to a concierge in Chicago once." "Lost his mind completely." "It was definitely a bang." "Like a gun." "On your knees." "No, no, no, not you." "You!" "Close your eyes." " Please..." " Close your eyes." "Stop!" "I can't let you do this." "I'm not in the best mental state right now." "Really?" "We'd never have noticed." "So far, you've only shot a ceiling." "Shh." "Emily?" "Shh." "Mr Slaughter?" "Mr Slaughter." " There you are." "I've been trying to..." " Mmm-mmm." " Mr Farmer, what are you doing here?" " Where's my son?" "He's in a very safe..." "Don't do anything." "The gun's loaded, Jack." "This is a no-gun." " Hotel!" " Jack!" "I didn't mean to do that." "I didn't mean to hurt him." "But he was going to stop me and no one is going to stop me getting justice for my son!" "No one!" "Not him, not you!" "Let me through, please." "I'm practically a doctor." " Is he okay?" " I think he will be." "I remember most of the medical research I undertook for my role." "...in the Florence Nightingale musical, Cry Me a River." "Uh, Florence, obviously." "God, I feel sick." " Have you seen Jack?" " No." "But when you find him, tell him to come and take this back." "Bugger my bonus." "It's ruining my life." "Just stick it in the cupboard." "I would, but the way my universe works, wherever I put it some clown's gonna knock it over, trip over it, fall on it or eat it." " Why do you want Jack?" " I think I heard a gunshot upstairs." "Protocol states that I need to find the duty manager and if I can't find him, I need to find the next most senior manager... which just happens to be you." "No, no, no, I've got enough on my plate looking after this." "Anyway, it can't have been a gunshot." "It was!" "Tanya heard it, too." "Then you're both mistaken." "It was probably just a door slamming." "Does that sound like a door slamming to you, too?" "Jesus!" "If I don't find Jack, I'm coming back for you, pal." "Are you okay?" "I'll live." " I didn't mean to hurt him." " Well, you did." "Can't you see that all you're doing is making things worse?" "Lost my son, my job, my marriage." "Things can't get any worse for me." " Are you going to flush?" " What?" "The toilet?" " Ben, have you seen Jack?" " Where the hell have you been?" "My bladder was literally about to explode." "Small bladders run in my family." "If I'm unable to pee at frequent intervals, I could actually die." " No, you couldn't." " Of embarrassment?" "Yes, I could." "Right, look, I need to find Jack." " He went upstairs to find Emily." " Why?" "Because she hasn't come down and she isn't answering her mobile." "Anna, after he stopped growling, Gino said that Jack went upstairs." "I know, to find Emily." " Emily's upstairs?" " And isn't answering her mobile." " Why was Gino growling?" " Gino's a man I don't understand well." "In my country, he would live alone with pigs." "Anna, I've just received this weird text from Emily." ""We ehab in hel din rom 15."" "Mmm-hmm." " What language is this?" " Did any of you hear a gunshot?" "It was so loud that it stopped Ned from proposing to me." " Oh, he proposed!" " Oh, yeah, nearly." "Oh, that's so nice!" "What's going on?" "Uh, Ned was proposing to me when we heard a gunshot." "That's wonderful news." "So very pleased for you." "Now we've just received this weird gobbledegook text from Emily." " Did he get down on one knee?" " Almost." "Well, congratulations!" "You know, I am genuinely pleased for you." " Really?" " Yeah!" "He hasn't actually asked, and I haven't actually said yes." "You're actually hugging me a little prematurely." "That doesn't matter." "This is surprisingly nice." "Are they your breasts I can feel?" "Mmm." "Interesting." "Gino, can you read that?" ""We are being held in room 510."" "What?" "Guys, we've got colleagues to save." "In business, you'll often hear the expression..." ""Such-and-such was dealt with in-house. "" "This means outside agencies, the unions or the police." "were not called in to help resolve such-and-such situation." "Come on!" "Get out!" "Go!" "Go!" "Stay where you are!" "No one move!" "It means that, rightly or wrongly, staff have made a decision." "...to deal with such-and-such situation themselves." "Gunshots confirmed." "Nowhere is dealing with things in-house." "...more popular than in the hotel business." "Armed police!" "Don't move!" "Don't move!" "Put your weapons on the floor!" "Mistakes are easy to make." "Keep your hands where I can see them!" "Oh, shit." "And much, much harder to put right." "Right, we think the shot came from Jonah Slaughter's room, here." "If you think that, why don't we call the police?" "Because we don't know for sure." "We only think." "And we don't want to end up with egg all over our face like last time." "So, what do we know?" "That they're being held under the ketchup." "Correct." "Why?" " We don't know." " Also correct." "So the big question is..." "Yes?" "What the bloody hell is going on?" "Exactly." "We need to find out precisely what is going on in this room and we need to find out fast." "Okay, the first thing we need is some detailed surveillance." "...and then a plan of action based on that surveillance." "Gino, I want you to hold the fort at the front desk." "Then the next thing we do is..." "Why me?" "Because you keep asking stupid questions and you're gonna slow the whole process down." "Then, what was..." "No, Gino." "I'm doing my plan now." "Right, somebody enters the ventilation shaft, here making their way along the shaft, to here the ventilation grille that overlooks..." "The ketchup." "A.k. A. Jonah Slaughter's room." "Then the rest of us will move into position, here... waiting to make the double pincer movement." "...into the room at the given signal." "What's the given signal?" "Ah, I was thinking that the given command should be..." ""Make the double pincer movement into the room now. "" "Or just, "Now. "" "That's even better." "I like that, yeah." "So that command shall be given by the person in the ventilation shaft." "when the man with or without the gun, as the case may be is by either one of these two doors at which point we shall burst in, knock him over and overpower him with our vast numerical supremacy." "Right, are we clear?" " Yes." " Right." "Good." "Let's roll." "Now, there are good plans, and there are bad plans." "But the bottom line is that every plan is only as strong as its weakest link." "Gino, reception." "Thank you, Mrs Farouk." "Thank you very much." "There we are." "Very kind." "Thank you." "Welcome to Hotel Babylon." "Thank you very much." "Thank you very much." "Welcome to Hotel Babylon." "Can I take your name?" "No problem." "Welcome to Hotel Babylon." "Do you have a reservation?" "Welcome to Hotel Babylon..." "For you, sir, and for you." "Thank you very much." "While you may think you know where the weakest link lies more often than not it lies somewhere else completely." "According to the blueprints, you need to go up five floors then you crawl along past two junctions, and then head down the third." " Right, when you say "crawl"..." " Yeah, hands and knees, Anna." "When you get to the end of the third junction, there should be a grille." "...that looks down into Jonah Slaughter's room." "Right." "Will you do one thing for me?" "Will you turn off the air con?" "'Cause it's just going to ruin my hair." "Oh, for God's sake." "Is he going to be okay?" "My head." "Jack?" "Jack, how are you feeling?" "Is this heaven?" "Am I dead?" " The poor child's delirious." " I didn't mean to hurt him." "...who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come..." "Thy kingdom come..." "Come..." "# Kumbaya blah blah #" "Spoken like a true atheist." "Are you an angel?" "I'm your head of PR." "You look like an angel." "I'm Emily." "Oh!" "Why have you done this to me?" "I have tried to steer your career as best I could." "You have become obsessed with all the trappings of success." "And it was threatening to destroy the very qualities." "which first drew me to you." "Your spirituality, your compassion, your humility." "You've changed." "And I thought this might be a way of changing you back." "I don't believe you." "I think you did this because you were afraid I'd get too successful." "...and replace you with someone better." "No." "I still don't believe you." "So as soon as this is over replacing you with someone better is precisely what I'm gonna do." " Jonah!" " Judas!" "You still don't get it, do you?" "This story will come out and you will be finished." "Hey, Slaughter, sit down." "Please remind me why I am the perfect candidate for this job." " Because you're the smallest." " And most expendable." "Remember, no heroics." "When you get to the grille, radio us what's going on in the room so we can orchestrate our leap into action." "When you say "leap"..." "Whatever it takes to get those kids out of there alive, Jimbo." "Just how much do you like Saving Private Ryan?" "I really like it." "It's really good." "I thought you did." "If I don't make it out, tell Ned..." "Yeah, look, okay, nothing's going to happen to you." "Come on, let's go." " Good luck." " Right, one last thing." "Does my bum look big in this shaft?" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Ah, shit!" "Oh, my favourite shoes." "Huh?" "Excuse me, sir, as acting manager of Hotel Babylon..." "I would ask you to leave the bar." "What?" "Why?" "Because you've driven all the customers away." "with all your giggling and laughing." "If I stop laughing, can I stay?" "Yes, but you haven't bought any drinks." " I'm not thirsty." " Well, you have to." "This is a bar." "So I can stay here." "...if I read this laugh-out-loud book." "without laughing out loud and buy drinks for which I have no thirst." "Exactly." "In that case..." "I'll go up to my room." "Thank the Lord above for that." "Okay, all clear." "# When I was just a little girl." "# I asked my mother What will I be?" "# Will I be pretty?" "Will I be rich?" "# Here's what she said to me." "# Que sera, sera." "# Whatever will be, will be." "# The future's not ours to see." "# Que sera, que sera." "# Whatever will be, will be." "# Que sera, sera." "# Whatever will be, will be." "# The future's not ours to see." "# Que sera, sera #" "No, she's going to say yes." "Ned?" " Ned?" " Of course she's going to say yes." "I mean, why on earth would she want to stay." "working here as a receptionist in this vulgar dump... when she could marry a doctor, move to the country and never have to work again?" "Huh?" "Ned?" "No, she loves me." "She'll follow me anywhere." "No, we'll move up to York." "...and I'll have her popping out kids within the year." "It's not as if a girl like her will ever get an opportunity like this." "I love you, too, Mother." "Okay." "Anna." " What?" "How you doing?" "Um, been better." "Over." "Come on, Anna, you can do this." "We need to know what's going on in that room." "Okay." "Won't let you down." "Well done, Private." "Stop it!" "Shut up!" "You and I need to talk." "If you kill Slaughter, he'll become a martyr." "I had a better idea in the toilet." "Better than killing him?" "If you destroy his reputation, his power will disappear." "I'm terribly sorry, sir." "We seem to be having a little difficulty accessing the room next to yours." "I wondered if I could try the interconnecting door." "Is there no other way?" "I'm trying to..." "You won't even know that I'm here." "I promise, I will be completely silent." "What can you see, Anna?" " What was that?" " Nothing." " What can you see, Anna?" "Over." "Excuse me." "My name's Jonah Slaughter." "For 10 years, I've been an evangelical preacher." "Two years ago, I saw a gap in the UK market for a charismatic faith healer." "...and advertised my services, initially for free." "More recently for profit." " Do I have to do this?" " Yes." "Right." " Trippingly on the tongue." " What?" ""The truth is. "" "The truth is, I have always..." "I'm in position." "James, are you in position?" "Over." "Yes, like a coiled spring." "The truth is, I have no healing powers." "I can't heal with just my hands and anyone who says they can is a liar and a fraud." "Okay, Emily is in the middle of the room." "She's got a camcorder, and she's filming the God man." "Jack's lying on the bed with a really old woman." "Is this a hostage situation, or the set of a rather dodgy porn film?" "There's a gun." "Repeat, there is a gun." "Stay calm, Anna, stay calm." "Over." "It's being held by..." "Oh!" "It's the urn man." "Okay, if he's got a gun, I think we should call the police." "No, there's no time for that." "I'm gonna try and open a line of communication with the room." " How you gonna do that?" " I'm gonna phone them." "Oh." "Finally, I would like to apologise." "...for all the hurt and distress I may have caused." "...to all the relatives and friends of those I've taken in." "If you so much as say "Bless you" after someone sneezes this will find its way to the news desk of a Sunday tabloid." "Leave it!" "Jack?" "No, I'm sorry, there's no one with an urn here." "You must have the wrong room." " Is that you, Jesus?" " I said, leave it!" "All right, please, you've got what you wanted." "Now, just calm down." "I've changed my mind." "I don't want his confession." "I want his life." " No!" " Oh, that is not fair!" "You come in here waving that gun around..." "Urn man's getting angry." "Okay, we're going in." "I'm sorry." "What's going on here?" "Shh." "All I want is to get to the end of this book!" "Right." "Now there's no point, is there?" "Please, just..." "Just back down." "Look, just be quiet!" "Hey, who the hell is up there?" "Shit!" "That's a go, people!" "Go, go, go!" "My son." " Is everyone all right?" " He shot his own son." " Now, we should call the police." " No, that won't be necessary." "Two bullets were fired." "He told me he only had two bullets." "One was for Jonah and..." "The other?" "Hi." "Hi." "Those of us that work in the hotel business." "...know that the pay and the hours aren't great." "But at least we have the satisfaction of sometimes changing." "...the course of events for the better." "One thing I do know, Emily, is God still loves you." "...290, 300." "Shouldn't I be paying that through your agent?" "No, no, half the time she never calls and when she calls, she never knows my name." "No." "Cash in hand is fine." "We know some of our guests stretch our resourcefulness." "...and compassion to the max." "Though often, those who give us the greatest trouble." "...end up being the people we treasure the most." "Thank you." "Others just take the piss." "And you can't always blame them." "Given all that, you would think that the team running the place would change." "...faster than one plunging down the Premiership." "...towards certain relegation." "Oh, Anna, hi." "Sorry, just one second." "Okay, there we go." "Anna, I love you." "Will you marry me?" "But they don't." "Why?" "What keeps us here, day after day?" "Congratulations!" "What keeps us here is that in good times and bad times and especially in very, very bad times..." "Oh, Anna!" "Playing Doctors and Nurses with a real doctor just isn't the same." "When everyone else has disappointed us or let us down... we'll always be there for one another." "Go on, fill her up." "Long may it continue." "Best champagne ever." "Amen."