"What the hell is that?" "Oh, sorry." "I set my alarm so I could go home before Jake wakes up." "Turn it off." "I'm trying, but my arm's asleep." "Ugh." "There." "Whoo." "I can't believe you have a watch alarm." "Yeah, it's a Timex." "Well, a really nice knock-off." "Even has Indiglo." "See?" "Oh." "Oh, for God's sake, it's 6 a.m." "Oh, I know, sorry." "We agreed we don't want our kids to know about us." "Yeah, yeah, goodbye." "Bye." "Guess a little morning quickie is out of the question." "If you can do it without waking me up." "You're not really thinking about it, are you?" "Dear Lord." "Charlie?" "Huh?" " You okay?" " Sure." "Why do you ask?" "Because you're passed out on the stairs." "Really?" "Oh, that's not good." "How much did you have to drink last night?" "Let's see." "I don't know." "I wonder how I got my pants off over my shoes." "Maybe you took your shoes off and then put them back on." "Think it through, Alan." "For what possible activity would I need my pants off and my shoes on?" "I don't know." "Chasing a reluctant hooker?" "Can't rule it out." "So where have you been?" "I was with Lyndsey." "Who's Lyndsey?" "Eldridge's mom." " Who's Eldridge?" " Jake's friend." "Jake is my son." "I know who Jake is." "What I don't know is where my pants are." "Excuse me." "Guess who had a Cobb salad for dinner." "Charming." "I'm, uh, I'm gonna go lay down." "You know, Jake may not be the brightest monkey in the meadow... but even he's gonna figure out that you're banging his buddy's mom." " I'll tell him when the time is right." " And when is that?" "When Lyndsey and I have built a solid relationship that will last." "I don't wanna complicate his friendship with Eldridge." " Lyndsey's son, right?" " Right." "Ha!" "Yeah, yeah, very good." "The point is, I haven't said anything to Jake... because in a lot of ways, he's a little boy." "He's not very sophisticated when it comes to adult sexual... relationships." "Yours?" "Alan, she's, like, 16." "And again, I ask... hoping I won't be called to testify... yours?" " No, she's coming from Jake's room." "Why would a girl be leaving Jake's room at 7?" " Why do you think?" " Oh, come on, he's 16." "Not everybody waits till they're a junior in college, Alan." "Sophomore." "And I still wasn't emotionally ready." "Well, obviously, your kid's a little more advanced." "No, no." "This is unacceptable." "He and I are gonna have to have a little talk." "Maybe he can give you some tips." "Unbelievable." "My little boy spent the night with two girls." "Two so far." " What?" " We don't have a final tally." "There might be more clowns in that car." " You think?" " At this point, anything's possible." " There's only one way to find out." " Hang on, hang on." "Come here, let's think this through." "What?" "What is there to think through?" "The possibility of my son hosting an orgy?" "Now, not to be a stickler... but technically, an orgy requires a minimum of six participants." " What?" " It goes masturbation, one on one... threesome, two couples swinging, two couples with a looky-loo, orgy, six." "It frightens me that you know that." "Everybody knows that." "Whatever you call it, it needs to be nipped in the bud." "Now we're talking three girls and a guy named Bud." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Whoa." "What are you gonna do, punish him?" "What do you want to do, give him a merit badge?" " It is quite an accomplishment." " This is not funny, Charlie." "I'm not laughing." "The kid's doing better than I am." "I woke up on the stairs alone." "Oh, you're up." "These were in the mailbox." "What were they doing in the mailbox?" "I don't know, but there's postage on them." "Well, I clearly had a plan of some kind." "What's everybody doing up so early?" "We just saw two girls sneaking out of Jake's room." "Two?" " Two." " Taterhead had a threesome?" "We don't know that." "Maybe they were having an all-night study session." "My God, he had a threesome." " Morning." " Morning." " Morning." " Morning." " Hungry?" " Yep." " Thirsty?" " Mm-hm." "Proud?" " What?" " Ignore him." "So, what'd you wind up doing last night?" " Nothing." " "Nothing," you say." " So just an evening alone in your room?" " Pretty much." "Quiet, uneventful?" "Boring?" "I guess." "Nothing I have to clean up?" "Nope." "Wait, I did have a sandwich in bed." "I knew it." " What are you talking about?" " We saw the girls, Jake." "Well, this is awkward." "Two hotties sneaking out of your room." "Up top, stud." "Charlie, this does not call for a high five." "You're right." "It's hugging time." " Come here, you dog." " Stop it." "Stop it." "I wanna know what those girls were doing." "They were making a sandwich." "Would you please?" "I am waiting for an answer." "Their names are Tiffany and Joanne." "They're from my school and into surfing." "Terrific." "So, what were they doing in your room?" "Hey, chill, I'm getting to it." " Yeah, chill." " He's getting to it." "They were gonna sleep in their car so they could hit the waves... and I told them they could crash here." " So nothing happened?" "No, we're just friends." "I slept on the floor." "Aww." "This is not "aww." This is "yay."" "Yay." "So when I asked you, why did you lie?" "It's usually the simpler path." "Why didn't you ask permission before asking your friends over?" "You weren't around." "Where were you, by the way?" "I went to the gym." "Yeah, a little, uh, cardio, spinning class, light weights." "I'm just into maintenance, not bulking up." "Don't find that attractive." "I prefer the lean, mean swimmer's body, you know, like..." "Jesus." "Nice, Alan, drag our Lord into it." "You still could've called me or asked your uncle." "You didn't answer your phone, Uncle Charlie was busy trying to mail his pants." "Good, you saw that." "Did I happen to mention why I was doing it?" " Nope." " And you didn't ask?" "Over the years, I've learned to look the other way." "All right, let's not get off track here." "If you're gonna have company, you give one of us a heads up." " Fine." " Oh, hey, look... there's a note in my pocket." ""Dear Inspected By Number 94:"" "It is with a heavy heart that I write to you." "The zipper you signed off on has snagged my ball sack." "Thank you for your attention to this matter." ""Sincerely yours, Charles Francis Harper."" "Well, that explains the blood in my shorts." "I hope." "I've got a little surprise for you." "Well, I've got a... what I'm told is a perfectly adequate surprise for you." "You like?" "Oh, yes." "Ha, ha." "Your surprise has greatly enhanced my surprise." "Oh, is that whipped cream or are you planning to shave me?" "I mean, you know, I'm fine either way." " It's whipped cream, Alan." " Oh, okay." "Uh, fat free?" "Because I'm trying to cut down." "Relax, you're not gonna be the one licking it up." "Oh." "Well, bon appétit." " Ma!" " Damn." "Eldridge, why aren't you in school?" "It's a half day." "Teachers' conference." " How come I didn't know about that?" " I don't know." "Jake's gonna stay for dinner, okay?" "Uh..." "Did he ask his dad?" "Yes, Mrs. MacElroy." "He said it's fine." " No, he didn't." "He's totally lying." " Shh!" "He's been lying a lot lately." "Boy, you try to bring a kid up with some values..." "Hand me a tissue, will you?" "The whipped cream's dripping into my crack." "Want some pie?" "Sure." "Got any whipped cream?" "Usually we do." "I don't see it." "Man, we go through a lot of whipped cream in this house." "Was that my dad?" "Hi." "Hello." "Did you know rottweilers are attracted to the scent of whipped cream?" " Matter of fact, I did know that." " Mm." " I just learned it." " Hmm." "Jake almost caught me sneaking out of Lyndsey's house." " Really?" " Close call." " One question." " Yeah?" "Whose idea was it to spice things up with a large dog?" "The dog was not with us in bed." "The dog was being walked by a 9-year-old girl... who was not quite capable of holding onto the leash... when he got a whiff of my nonfat, dairy-scented crotch." "Okay, okay." "I'm not judging... but why was a 9-year-old girl walking her dog through Lyndsey's bedroom?" "No, the girl was on the street with the dog." "Oh, all right, another question..." "I was on the street because I was sneaking out of Lyndsey's house." "Ah." "You know, for such a boring guy, you lead a very complicated life." "Yeah, it's a paradox, isn't it?" "Iced tea?" "When you try to mail your pants to a garment inspector in Malaysia... it's time to quit drinking." "Some might say that day came and went when you gave yourself that haircut." "But good for you." "Yep, long overdue." " Want a beer?" " You just said you were quitting." "I did and I am." "My drinking days are over." "See?" "Beer." " Hello?" " Oh, uh, in here." " Ix-nay on the ottweiler-ray." " What?" "Oggy-day who tried to ite-bay my alls-bay." "Hey, buddy." "I'm not your buddy." " What?" " I just came to get my stuff." " I'm staying with Mom and Herb." " Why?" "I saw you sneaking out of Eldridge's house." "Oh, Alan, no." "Are you crazy?" "Having sex with my best friend's mom?" "Hey, shame on you." "I had no idea, Jake." "I was gonna tell you, you know, eventually." "You're such a liar." "Oh, I'm a liar?" "What were you doing at Eldridge's in the first place?" "You certainly didn't ask permission from me." "Attaboy." "Try to take the high road with a crotch full of whipped cream and dog spittle." "You know, I feel a lot better since I've stopped drinking." "Yeah, we're all proud of you." "I have more energy, I'm certainly more clear-headed." "Downside is I might have to put a chip clip on my johnson... to keep from peeing my pants." "I really screwed up." "I should've been honest with Jake from the beginning." "Told him I was seeing his friend's mother." "Or you could've not slept with his friend's mother in the first place." "Really?" "You're gonna preach sexual restraint to me?" "Let me explain something to you, Alan." "Jake expects me to betray his trust." "You are held to a higher standard." " Is that so?" " It is." "You're like some kind of right-wing, pro-family-values senator... caught on his knees in an airport toilet with a male hooker." "Whereas I am a well-known rascal." "When I don't do the wrong thing, people are disappointed." "Is that supposed to make me feel better?" "No, the story was about me." "God, you're such a narcissist." "You know what, I can't just sit here and do nothing." "I owe Jake an apology." " You're going to Judith's?" "I'll come." " Why?" "Why?" "You're my brother, I wanna support you." " Really?" " No, I'm just out of beer." "But I do love that you still fall for that." "Well, I hope you're proud of yourself." "I am." "I haven't had a drink all day." "She's talking to me, Charlie." "And, no, I'm not." "Okay, Millie's finally asleep." " Ooh, is that real beer?" " Knock yourself out." "Oh, thanks." "I'm going to regret this in the morning." "My God, Alan, I can't believe you're sleeping with Lyndsey MacElroy." "You're sleeping with Lyndsey MacElroy?" "My man." " How could you do that?" " Yeah, how?" "Don't leave anything out." "It just happened." "Her son and Jake are friends, which is how we met... and we, you know, hit it off." "You don't sleep with your son's friend's mother." "No, no, you marry his pediatrician." "He's got you there, sweetie." "There's a rumor going around... that Lyndsey was in a porn movie before she got married." "Really, which one?" "I don't know, I've been checking Cinemax every night for months." " Oh, I love their stuff." " It's classy, right?" "A little story, nice lighting, and you never have to see the guy's junk." "What is wrong with you?" "You don't like seeing that stuff either." "I think that's enough beer, sweetheart." "I'll get Jake." "There you go, pal." "Thanks, but you heard her." "I've had enough." "Boy, oh, boy, Lyndsey MacElroy." "You are one lucky ducky." " Yeah, she's very beautiful." " Yeah." "Sometimes I drive past her house... she's out watering her lawn in her shorty shorts and halter top, cowabunga." "No one wants to talk to him, but he's your father." " Oh, hey, buddy." " What do you want?" "What I want is to apologize for not telling you about me and Eldridge's mom." "You know, this is between you guys." "I'm just gonna go take a hot shower." "Eldridge doesn't wanna be friends with me." "Oh, I am so sorry." "This can't be the first time something like this happened." "How many times has Charlie slept with somebody you knew?" "Yeah, but I expect that from him." "See, Alan?" "I'm Teflon." "You're a perv, is what you are." "It's not just that you were sleeping with her, you lied." "You're right." "I should've told you the truth and Lyndsey should've told Eldridge." "But when it happened, we didn't know if it would even last." " I don't like you keeping things from me." " That's fair and I'll make you a deal." "From now on, I will be open and honest with you, you'll do the same with me." " Deal?" " I guess." "Thanks." "I have to go finish my homework." " Hey, so I'll see you this weekend?" " Sure." "Great." "Love you, buddy." "Don't push it, Dad." "You're lucky he's so forgiving." "Takes after his mom, huh?" "Um, you know, we should go." "I gotta pee." "You mind, Judith?" "Just try to hit the bowl this time." "Don't worry, I only miss when I've been drinking." "I'll wait in the car." "Hey, Judith?" "Is there surfing around here?" "What?" "We're 20 miles from the beach." "That's what I thought." "I am so proud of that kid." "Isn't this nice?" "The four of us sitting down, having dinner, open, honest, no secrets?" "Heh." " Yeah." " Thrilling." "So, Jake, your dad tells me you're getting into the surfing scene." " What do you mean?" " You know, uh, Tiffany and Joanne." "Oh, yeah, right." "Tiffany and Joanne surf?" "Yes, Eldridge." "They surf." "Charlie, would you like some pizza?" "No, thanks, I'm kind of on a health kick." " Didn't you tell me he quit drinking?" " He actually thinks he did." "Hello?" "Oh, hey, Herb." "What's up?" "Really?" "Right now?" "Hang on." "Are you sure?" "Wait, wait, wait." " Hey, Lyndsey?" " Mm?" "Never mind." "You're right, it's her." "Okay, Herb, thanks." "Well, great, great." "Have a nice shower." "Boy, she sure does like the whipped cream."