"TESSA:" "Little-known fact about the town I five in:" "Chatswin is the silly-trend capital of the world." "There was the male nanny trend." "The spotted owl trend." "[OWL HOOTS]" "The British royal hat trend." " Your husband's suits, Mrs. Royce." " It's Ms. Royce now, Javier." "TESSA:" "And the latest trend:" "I'm divorced, y'all." "TESSA:" "That was the thing about Chatswin." "You never knew what trend was gonna hit next." "[GRUNTS]" "JILL:" "Noah." " Yes, my love?" "I asked you to fix the damn showerhead." "Fix the showerhead, Noah." " Jill, you're bleeding." " Fix it." "GEORGE:" "So did you fix it?" "NOAH:" "I don't know how to fix it." "I'm a tooth guy." "Uh, if the shower had a receding gum line, or an abscess..." " She should've married a plumber." " So call someone." "Let her call somebody." "Let her use the upstairs shower." "Noah, come on, man." "She asked you to fix it." "Just fix it." "Uh, I asked her to fix dinner last week but she's a modern woman." "She doesn't cook." "She doesn't clean." "She doesn't climax." "Sometimes they say they're upset about one thing but they're really upset about something else entirely..." " ...so just don't give her any excuses." " Excuses for what?" "Just fix the showerhead." "She's doing a side fishtail braid, you guys." "Don't know if I could pull that off." " This is a town of followers." " I know, right?" "What?" " Who's she waving at?" " She's waving at..." " Hi, Lisa." " Is there another Lisa?" " Hi, Lisa Shay." " That's me." "I'm Lisa Shay." " Hi, Dalia." " Lisa, sit down." " How are you?" " Good." "How are you?" "Excited about the school dance." "And yourself?" " You guys see that?" " Yeah, everybody saw that." "LISA:" "That was amazing." "MALIK:" "That was embarrassing." "Yeah." "Lisa, Dalia's just being nice to you to get back at me for "stealing" Scott Strauss." "So?" "I've waited for this my whole childhood." " Lisa..." " Look, I didn't choose my way in." "But this is a way in." "She's joking, right?" "[SHOWER RUNNING]" "[METALLIC CLANK]" "Uh..." "No." "Jill." "Ugh." "This should be a quick procedure." "Take your time, doctor." "Money's no object." "We're not paid by the hour." "Well, even if you were, I would say take all the time that you need." "She's worth every penny." "Our main concern is that the break heals cleanly." "So we'll re-break the nose and set it properly." "That said, there could be residual bruising." "Okay, honey since you're going under, is there anything else you want to have done?" "Any sprucing UP?" "We could..." "Now's the time." "And three, two, one." "Okay, just the nose." "Aah, Jill?" "Is that you?" "Oh, you're a bloody mess, girl." "Are you pre, post or mid-op?" "I had an accident in the shower." "No." "I am sorry to hear that." "I must say, Dallas, that sounded uncharacteristically sincere." "What exactly did you have done?" "I went up a half cup size to celebrate the divorce." "You're positively glowing." "Well, I also had a dash of botulism, a few squirts of collagen a handful of low-lights, and a gelicure." "But primarily it's the divorce." "Leaving Steven has done wonders for me." "I haven't felt this good in years." "Bye, Jill." "TESSA:" "In Chatswin, a trend could start just about anywhere." "Even in the operating room." "On second thought, I'll have what Dallas Royce had." "Lisa, hi." "Come sit with us." "Well, this is an unexpected delight." "[IN UNISON] You talk like our grandmother." "She calls things marvelous." "Are you seeing this?" "She wasn't joking." " What a sellout." "MALIK:" "I'll talk some sense into her at practice." "We're working on a routine for the dance." "We rehearse every night." "Except for Wednesday nights." "That's when the Medium fan club meets..." " ...to re-enact scenes from Medium." " Malik, I know." "Okay, ah, stay calm." "The most important thing is not to give Dalia the satisfaction..." " ...of knowing she's getting to me." " Smart." " But she's getting to you." " Shut up, Malik." " Just saying." " You and me are like twins, Lisa." "We both have long blond hair." "We both have names that start with the letter D." "And we both hate Tessa Altman." "Right?" "Come on." "Oh, ahem." "You better talk to your girl, Dallas." " She's out of control." " What are you talking about?" "She's filling Jill's head full of these crazy ideas." " Those two hate each other." " Not any more." "Since their surgeries, they've bonded." "Now they talk every night on the phone about Dallas's hot new boyfriend, Yoni." " Yoni?" " Some young Latin dude, does Reiki." "I met him." "Real trim." "I don't trust him." " How trim?" " Noticeably trim." "Ah." "And another thing, he says he can heal energy." "With his hands." " Jill says she wants him to work on her." " I wouldn't let him work on her." "Can't Dallas deal with divorce like you?" "Curling up into little ball and screeching like a wounded animal..." "Unh." "I'm just saying." "And it's in." "Aw!" "Ah, there's the man I was hoping to see." "There is my crystal queen." "Give me sugars." "[BOTH MOANING]" "I have an incandescent lighting fixture." "Oh, thank you, George." "Just go do your thing." "And I'll go do mine." "[MOANING CONTINUES]" "DALLAS:" "Yoni, that is too much tongue." "YONI:" "Not in my country." "Yoni." " Did you call to me?" " What?" "No, I, uh..." "Where'd you two say you met?" "Yoni's doing a Reiki unit with the junior class." "We met once upon the gymnasium." " And it felt love at first sight." " It felt that to me too." "So just a complete disregard for the English language with you two, huh?" "His energy's cloudy like winter in Romania." "Romania?" "Oh, think because I'm from South America, I cannot reference Eastern Europe?" "George, you're being rude." "I see you didn't waste any time." "Back in the saddle, huh?" "[GASPS]" "Ride them, Miss Royce?" "Yoni, would you mind stepping outside for a moment so I can express my irritation with George in private?" "Please, be brief, for every second we don't be together..." " ...my heart screams for you." " And mine you, Yoani." " Yoni." " Yoni." "[YONI WHISTLING]" "Yakult, let's go." "Yakult, you can stay." " I said let's go, Yakult." " Yakult." "On your bed, girl." "[WHIMPERS]" "[BARKS]" "I didn't have a white leash anyways." "Why'd you have to drag Yakult into this?" "Divorce has been hard enough on her." "Who is that clown?" "How old is he?" "What's with the all-white?" "You have to dress in all-white?" "It is the color of positivity." "And you're just jealous because we pop." " We pop and you don't." " I pop." "I will thank you to remember that I'm not a child." "I am a full-grown woman, George." "Full-grown." "And I don't need you telling me what or whom to do." "No, you know what?" "This is my dazzling crystal emporium." "You leave." "[DOOR CLOSES]" "Oh, hello, Dalia." "Are you looking for the comfort of a stable home?" "Or for Ryan?" "Because he's at practice." " Actually, I'm here for Lisa." " Who?" "Lisa." "The girl one?" "Leave Lisa alone." "She never did anything to anyone." "Me and Lisa have plans to hang out." "This can't be happening." "This..." "This isn't real." "Heh." "Excuse me." "You ready?" " Is that a purse?" " Ready." " Lisa, did you finish all your homework?" " No." "You can do it later, then." "She has no curfew." "You can bring her back whenever you're done with her." "Ha-ha-ha." "Fred, it's happening." "[DOOR CLOSES]" "TESSA:" "Dalia was so desperate to get back at me she didn't care who she hurt along the way." "Ow." "Ow." "Ow." "It's not my fault." "Your eyeball is so big, it keeps getting in my way." "Sorry." "Almost done." "There." "Now your eyelashes aren't so stumpy." "Wow." "I don't even recognize myself." "That's what I was going for." "Thanks, bitch." "Jill, you're four shades blonder." "Who brought you that buttery?" " Noah, I'm leaving you." " Was it Aliyah?" " She typically stays within the ash family." " I'll stay with Dallas..." " ...until I figure out what I want to do." " Dallas." "Okay, I see." "I knew she'd pull something like this." "Dallas isn't to blame, Noah." "You are." "Yoni tried to heal my energy and couldn't." "He said you're toxic." " I'm toxic?" " Like winter in Romania." " He's from South America." " He said you're constipating." " Constipating?" " According to Yoni, yes." "Yes, you are." "And it makes perfect sense to me." "I partake in a diet that is very high in fiber yet I seldom see results." "You think you're gonna go more without this guy?" "Well, let me tell you something." "You're not a regular girl, Jill." "You never have been, you never will be." " Goodbye, Noah." " Fine." "I'm fine with that." "Fine." "[DOOR SLAMS]" "He's been like this for hours." "The tears come and go." "Constipating." "I mean, how can another person be constipating?" "Where were you?" "I had a court reserved and everything." "I'm standing there like a moron, holding my balls." "AJ, my wife left me, okay?" "I don't need it from you today." "Do me a favor." "Get me some curly fries and a diet anything." " I'm off the clock, AJ." " And a Shirley Temple for Red." "Is that supposed to be me?" "AJ, never love." "Come on, you think because I'm 9 and three-quarters I haven't been there?" "I've been there." "I went through a thing with this girl from Hebrew school." "Did I lay on the bottom bunk and cry my fat little eyes out?" "Absolutely not." "I went on the field trip, as scheduled, and held hands with her best friend." "And what happened?" "Did it work?" "Did you get her back?" "Let's say this visor I'm wearing is from her." "That's a pretty sweet visor..." "I don't know if you can tell, but the accents are leather." " Leather." "George." " Yeah." "I'm not sure you should be taking marital advice from AJ." "Do you have any better ideas?" "Yeah, do you, George?" "TESSA:" "Maybe AJ was onto something." "Even Shakespeare agreed with his approach." "WOMAN:" "Be fire with fire." " Psst!" "WOMAN:" "Threaten the threatener, and outface the brow of bragging horror." "What Shakespeare's trying to say is fight back." "Excuse me." "WOMAN:" "He doesn't want King John to just lie down and take it." "Good." "Uh, turn to act four, scene two." "You want a snack?" "No, I had some string cheese on the way over." "Good." "Then I'm just gonna jump right in." "As you know from the note I passed you, Dalia is using Lisa to get back at me." " Correct." " And I can imagine Lisa's probably..." " ...really getting on your nerves by now?" " Let's just say I hate her." "Understood." "Now let me ask you two questions." "How far are you willing to go to get rid of her?" "And how do you feel about corduroy?" "MAN:" "What's up, Chatswin?" "[CHEERING]" "[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]" "Throw them fists in the air." "I can't believe Lisa bailed on dance practice twice." "You have a new dance partner." "Kimantha." " Kimantha can't Dougie." " You have to teach her, Malik." " I tried." " Look, we're in crisis mode, okay?" " Hey, guys." "TESSA:" "Kimantha's our Lisa..." " ...until Lisa stops being Dalia." " Fine." " Did you practice the arms?" " I did, Malik." "I swear." "[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]" "[YONI CHUCKLES]" "Ladies, I buy drinks, for to make your throats wet." " Thank you, Yoni." " My throat hasn't been this wet in years." "Oh, good news, Jill." "There is so much more wetness coming towards your face." "I started a tab at the bar." "I do not feel good about chest hair showing." " Why three buttons?" " Why not three?" " You look sexy, man." " Thank you." "Sexy as hell." "And I'm not the only one who's noticing." "I don't think you're gonna make Jill come back by hitting on other women." "Did the tale of AJ and the girl from school mean nothing?" "Those are children." "Jill just glanced over here and she looked pissed." "And hot." "TESSA:" "As it turns out, adolescent behavior doesn't work so well outside the walls of high school." "Lucky for me, I was still a sophomore." "[CALI SWAG DISTRICT'S "TEACH ME HOW TO DOUGIE" PLAYING]" " It's working, Evan." " You're falling in love with me?" " What?" " What?" "I know you're uncomfortable." "I'm uncomfortable too." "I had no idea my ex-boyfriend was gonna be DJing." "When I get hurt feelings, I bury them by ordering riding boots online." "Wanna try?" "TESSA:" "Lisa may have temporarily forgotten who she was but she certainly hadn't forgotten who she wanted to be." "[KIMANTHA SCREAMS]" "[POP MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]" "Don't let me catch you with that thirsty little swag-jacker again." "[SLURPS]" "Look, I'm not even seeing Scott Strauss any more." "So can this just be over?" "Because trying to use Lisa against me was low, even for you, Dalia." "My parents are getting a divorce, you know." "I know." "[CLEARS THROAT]" "And that sucks." "And I'm sorry." " I'm sure it's painful." "DALIA:" "You know what's gonna be painful?" "When my mother remarries your father, I'm your new sister and Dad likes me best." "Then we send you to an all-girls boarding school where you find love." "And on visiting day, I come up and steal your new girlfriend." "[DALIA SLURPS]" "The following spring, we marry in a civil ceremony which you are forced to cater, and everyone hates your catering." "And you get a bad review on Yelp." "Which pretty much sinks your organic lesbian catering venture." "Okay." "Well, enjoy the rest of your dance." "Mm." "Mm, mm." " This reminds me of the old days." "GEORGE:" "Mm." "Pigging out after the clubs at 4 a.m." " Yeah, it's 8:45." " And I have heartburn." "You are welcome to crash here, you are." "But I would be remiss if I didn't tell you you are acting like a grade-A jackass." "Jill is the love of your life." "You know it, I know it." "And if she doesn't know it, you are doing something wrong." " You know how stubborn she is." " Don't you be stubborn." "It's gonna slip away." "If you don't do everything you can to save it it'll slip away and you're gonna regret it." "Take it from someone who knows." "TESSA:" "In life, there are firefighters and there are arsonists." "And if you don't want to watch it all burn down... you'd better know how to put out a blaze." "Thanks for letting me stay." " Are you sure that Dalia won't mind?" " She won't even know you were here." "There's a dance tonight." "She won't be home till morning, if at all." "Would you like to wear one of her tiaras to bed?" "Oh!" "Oh, I shouldn't." "NOAH [ON BULLHORN]:" "Mrs. Jill Werner." "Are you in there?" "Is my wife, Mrs. Jill Werner, in there?" "Mrs. Jill Werner." "Are you in there?" "[HORSE WHINNIES]" "Noah, what the hell are you doing?" "I fixed the showerhead." "And now I'm here to sweep you off your feet." "[GASPS]" "Where did you get that horse?" "I, uh... it's..." "Never mind." "Now we will go to our castle." "And I will take you upstairs and make love to you." "And you are going to let me." "And afterwards, you're going to make me a sandwich." "He still thinks he's calling the shots." "Steven would have never ridden a horse for me." " And we had one." " But..." "No buts about it, Jill Werner." "You get your skinny ass up there on that horse or I'll do it for you." "That man loves you." "[NOAH GRUNTS]" "TESSA:" "Chivalry was alive and well in Chatswin." "As it turns out..." "I'll have a small vanilla with mango to go." "You got it." "TESSA:" " It may have become the latest trend." "I'll pay for hers too." "Thanks." "Hi." "I'll have a small vanilla with mango." " Yours has already been paid for." " It has?" "By whom?" " I learned something tonight." " What's that?" "Don't try to beat a yellow light on horseback." "Right." "Thank you for breaking my fall." "I would break every bone in my body for you." "I hope you know that." "You could have just fixed the shower instead." "One more on my mouth." "Come on, you hardass." "One more on my mouth." "I love you, woman." "I love you too." "Oh, if you want to do any sprucing up while you're under, now's the time to say so." "TESSA:" "After our trial separation, I had to admit, it was nice to have Lisa back." " Her room smells like new babies." " I've been in there." "It doesn't." "It did to me." "Look, I know that you guys are probably still mad at me for going to hang with Dalia." "But I just wanna say that if I had to do it all over again I'd still go hang with Dalia, because I know you guys are my real friends." " Real friends take each other for granted." " She's joking, right?" "Of course." "Now go get me something to drink." "[English" " US" " SDH]"