"Previously on "Being Erica":" "Bye, sisters." "Leo." "Whoa." "Erica." "Erica!" "Now, I'll be back at Christmas." "My number one regret is Leo." "Please send me back to him." "I mean, I can warn him." "No you can't." "You can't go back to fix other people's mistakes." "What you said to me, I-I didn't like it, Erica." "Well, I didn't like saying it." "But you did and..." "And you weren't wrong." "If I really wanted her," "I wouldn't be here." "You know that friend you have, the girl who seems to have it all figured out?" "Well, on the surface," "I'm that girl." "And honestly, things have never been better." "I should be celebrating:" "My new promotion," "My new relationship..." "My new life." "But isn't funny how... just when things are finally moving forward all you can think about is the one thing... that one regret that will always hold you back." "Hey, congrats." "Thanks." "Erica, hey, I heard." "That's awesome." "Hi." "River rock's newest junior editor is in da house." "Oh yeah!" "So, you can say goodbye to calluses and paper cuts and say hello to a company laptop, an expense account and a modest raise." "Wow!" "Now, before we make this "o-fish,"" "you gotta train your replacement." "Oh, you already found a replacement?" "Mm, hello?" "Someone's gotta make my morning latte." "Ooh!" "And that someone is the very enthusiastic," "Meeri Kung." "And she's right on time." "Good morning, boss." "Hi, Erica." "Hey, Meeri." "I brought doughnuts." "'kay, check the milk." "Make sure it's steamed to 180 degrees." "And only use organic espresso beans because believe or not, Julianne knows the difference." "Oh." "Righteous." "Organic only." "So, you must be very excited." "Yeah, it's, um... it's a great step forward." "Step forward?" "Ah..." "You are like this rising star." "Thank you, Meeri, that's very flattering, but I think that... you're overstating things about a thousand percent." "Seriously?" "I mean, you were me, you know, Julianne's new assistant, just a few months ago." "I mean, you must be over the moon." "Okay, milk's done, ready to pour." "Oh, can I try?" "Sure." "Wow." "You've done this before." "I dabble in latte art." "On the side." "You know, just because I'm junior editor, doesn't mean I get a longer lunch." "Well, today's different because we're celebrating." "Celebrating?" "Yeah." "Hey." "Hi." "Wow, this is kind of..." "Awkward?" "Awkward!" "Oh my God, we're such losers." "I'm sorry, I just..." "I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to act right now." "Hey, we're just going for lunch." "We don't have to rush anything." "Yeah." "Of course." "But I was thinking, if you don't have any plans tomorrow, maybe we could drive up to Stratford and see a play?" "Or not, if it's too fast, then I understand." "No, it's fine." "It's just, uh... tomorrow..." "What's wrong, Erica?" "You okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "I just... sorry, I'm just a little..." "A little out of it." "Don't worry about this weekend, okay?" "It's probably a bit too soon." "You know what?" "I would love to." "What?" "I would love to go with you tomorrow." "Let's go to Stratford." "♫ Being Erica 1x13 ♫ Leo Original Air Date on April 1, 2009" "♪ it's clearer inside of me ♪" "♪ who I will always be ♪" "♪ open me up to my heart ♪" "♪ feels like I'm seeing in the dark ♪" "♪ waking me up to my heart ♪" "♪ to do it all over again and again ♪" "♪ until the end ♪" "♪ the sum of my dreams ♪" "♪ and everything I ever wanted to be ♪" "So, I thought we could take the scenic route." "You know, head up to St. Jacob's first, then down to Stratford." "Erica?" "Yes." "What do you think?" "I think that..." "I'm ready to hit the road." "Erica?" "Okay, what's going on with you?" "Listen, I wasn't gonna say anything, but, um... today is December 13th, and, um..." "I can't believe I forgot." "I'm such an idiot." "Hey, look, it's fine, all right?" "I mean, I..." "I thought that this was what I wanted to do and..." "Hey, I mean, we can go up to Stratford any time." "Today, you should be with your family." "No, I don't want to be." "Why not?" "Because it's always the same thing every year." "You know I mean we used to love going to my grandmother's farm, but ever since Leo died, we only go up once a year." "It's kind of become our unofficial graveyard." "And when this time of year comes around," "I always wake up in the morning with this feeling, like, you know, I just wanna crawl back into bed and cry... and just shut everything out." "It's always been that way... except for yesterday." "Why?" "Because of you, and the promotion and everything." "I mean... my life, it's really wonderful right now." "And I just..." "I wanna feel that." "I wanna enjoy that." "But it's like I can't, you know?" "And then you asked me to go to Stratford, and I felt so guilty for feeling even a spark of happiness for even wanting to say yes to the weekend." "Get in." "What're you doing?" "Taking you to see your family." "You know what, Ethan?" "That's really sweet, but you've gone through so much trouble..." "Hey, hey-hey, don't worry about me." "Erica, I don't know what it's like to lose a brother, but there are a lot of different ways to remember a person." "You say you don't want it to be the same this year," "So, don't let it be." "Make it different." "Come on." "It'll be fine." "Erica." "Oh..." "I thought you weren't coming?" "Hey." "Well, I wasn't, but, um..." "Go sit." "Thanks." "Dad." "Hey, Sam." "I'm glad you came." "Thank you." "Your mother said that..." "You know what?" "Shh, gary, she's here." "We don't need to talk about why." "Actually, I think that we do." "Yesterday, I told mom that I didn't wanna come up this year;" "That I need to move on." "I just realized, you know, that the way that we do this, it doesn't..." "It doesn't feel right anymore." "The fact that we don't talk about Leo or what happened." "I mean, it's not... healthy." "It's not normal." "Well, there is no normal, Erica." "Everyone deals with these things their own way." "Yeah, but it seems to me, dad, that we all deal with it the same way." "Which is... to say that..." "I mean, we don't deal with it." "Erica, please." "Mom, I know that you don't agree, and I didn't come up here to complicate things, but I did have an idea about how we might do things differently this year." "So, I'm just gonna put it out there." "Rebuild the barn?" "Why not?" "It's something that we could all do together." "I mean, at least we can start clearing some of this stuff out of here." "Leo always liked building things." "Remember the treehouse?" "And the time that he tried to build the trap door and it almost took out the entire floor." "Maybe, Erica's right." "Yeah, let's do this." "We can..." "I mean, we can rebuild the barn in Leo's memory." "We can make it big and beautiful." "Make it like a memorial." "It's your mother's property." "It's really up to her." "If that's what you all feel we should do, then... why not?" "We could make two piles and do wood over there and we do metal over here?" "Yeah, we can do that." "Oh my God." "What is it?" "That was your grandfather's." "He gave it to Leo." "I can't do this." "If this is moving on, I'm not interested." "Mom..." "No, I can't." "Mom, mom." "Mom." "Mom!" "Come on in." "Sit down." "Leo." "Yeah." "Go ahead, tell me." "He was 21 when he died." "That weekend, we were up at the farm and things were tense." "He had dropped out of University... again, and this time there was nothing that was gonna make him go back." "He wanted to go travelling and they wanted him to finish his undergrad." "So he went to hang out in the barn." "I think he was going to smoke some weed and calm down." "And nobody knows exactly what happened, but the police figure that... you know, he left the joint burning and then... dozed off." "Once the hay caught, it was just... it was probably a matter of minutes before the whole thing was on fire." "And where were you?" "Upstairs, sleeping, in the house." "We all were." "I remember... waking up to the smell of smoke and I looked out the window and it... it was like the sky was on fire." "And we all ran outside, you know, but it was too late." "If... if he hadn't fallen asleep, you know, if he'd been able to get out..." "We hardly ever talk about Leo, but when we do, it's always that." "You know, our collective failure;" "How we couldn't reach him in time." "Honestly, I can't believe it's taken me this long to realize how dysfunctional it is." "You know, we never talk about his life." "about how great he was." "This year you tried to change that." "You know, I wanted to do something that would help us let go of it." "Just something positive." "But it didn't work and... frankly, you know, I'm not surprised." "Why's that?" "Because it is not easy to let go of something that you've carried for years." "I tried to go to Stratford with Ethan, and I couldn't even make it to the car." "Erica, you and I, we have arrived at a... juncture of sorts here." "You see," "I know that this is the one regret that you've been waiting for, and that your regret is simply that you did not wake up in time and that you were unable to go into the barn and pull your brother out." "Unfortunately, that is not what this is about." "There are... limits to this therapy and... right now, we're facing one of them." "Because no matter how deeply you regret it, you are not allowed to go back and... play God." "You are not permitted to bring back the dead." "I know." "Interfering with other people's lives is off limits." "I get it, I do." "Yeah." "I know you know and..." "I wish that there was something that I could do to help bring you the closure that you're looking for here, but..." "Maybe there is." "You know, when I think about Leo now," "I remember the last conversation that we had." "I just... it's like I go over it in my mind, just how pointless it was, you know?" "All the things that I would've said if I would've known that that was gonna be the last time." "I don't know." "I guess, just..." "That you wish that you would've said goodbye?" "yeah." "Erica." "Listen, I cannot send you back to save your brother," "But, um... a goodbye?" "That's... that's something that could be arranged." "What would you tell him?" "I would tell him that I loved him." "And then maybe... if I could figure out a way to let him go," "I can help my family do the same." "And you will not try to save his life?" "No, I won't." "I promise." "And so... we return." "Why are you taking that tone with us?" "We are trying to help you." "Because you're not listening to me!" "Leo!" "You just want what you want." "No, that's not true." "Yes, it is!" "Look, I am sick of it." "Sitting in a classroom being lectured at is not the only way to learn." "I've been in this bubble my whole life and all I'm saying is that now is the time for me to get out." "You don't make a decision like this without a plan." "Why not?" "It's my life." "I can do what I want." "And who knows where I'll be in 5 years, yeah, I don't need to think about that right now." "Yes, you do." "We're not going to bail you out this time." "Fine!" "You wanna make your own choices?" "Then you'll suffer the consequences!" "Whatever!" "Look, I know it's none of my business, but I really think that you should go after him right now 'cause wouldn't wanna..." "Stay out of it, Erica." "Leo?" "What?" "Hey." "You want some company?" "I don't need a lecture from you too." "No, no, lecture, I just..." "I just wanna talk." "I mean, there's something that I want to say to you." "Wow, this is really hard." "What?" "Hey, you remember that time that you built that treehouse?" "Look..." "No offense, but mom and dad just yelled at me for an hour and I'm in a bad mood, and I..." "Leo..." "I can't talk about the treehouse right now, okay?" "I just... need to get out of here." "I am going out to the barn." "If mom and dad ask, tell them I went for a walk." "♪ but I don't care what anyone says ♪" "♪ and all of this is bigger than it feels ♪" "♪ coming fast... ♪" "What're you doing?" "Look, listen, I know that you don't wanna talk right now, but there's something really important that I have to say," "So, please just listen me." "Jesus." "Fine." "What is it?" "What do you need to say?" "I know that, um..." "I never told you this before, but... you have been an amazing brother." "The best." "Like, even right now," "I know that you don't wanna talk, but you're listening to me anyway" "Because you can know that it's important to me." "And you've always been that way." "You are patient and good and strong..." "Oh my God, this is so incredibly hard." "Erica, what's wrong?" "Why are you crying?" "I can't..." "I-I can't!" "You-you can't what?" "I can't..." "I can't do this." "I can't do this." "Erica..." "Erica?" "Erica?" "!" "Erica!" "Erica, come here!" "Erica!" "Dr. Tom." "What've you done?" "I..." "I didn't have a choice." "Really?" "Okay, fine, I did have a choice." "And you can think whatever you want because if I have to choose between this therapy and my brother?" "I choose Leo." "You made a promise." "You made a commitment, Erica." "You sat right here in this office, you sat in this office, you made a commitment to me and then you..." "This has nothing to do with you." "This has everything to do with me!" "You have thrown away months of work that we have done here." "And you have shown by your decision here today that you have learned nothing." "That's not true." "I don't wanna hear it." "No, this is, this is different." "Get out." "What?" "Go!" "Get out of my office." "Get out!" "Let go of me!" "You're hurting me!" "Sorry." "Hello?" "Erica." "Hi, there stranger." "Get it?" "'cause your last name is Strange..." "Anyway, what can I do for you?" "Hm?" "How 'bout a latte?" "Start the day off right with a bang, huh, okay?" "Of course, right, uh, a latte, I'll... coming right up." "Um... oh." "I..." "She waved at me." "Why would she do that?" "What, you think she's working some kind of strategy?" "Maybe." "She never slums it over here in non-fiction." "She must be working an angle." "Meeri, go do some recon." "Go-go-go." "Uh, you don't have to make yourself a latte." "Unless you want to." "I could do it for you." "Whatever works." "Uh, this is for Julianne." "Go for it, Meeri, you're the pro." "Um..." "Erica?" "I was, uh..." "I was wondering if I could ask you something?" "Yeah." "I, uh, I have this novel that I've been working on." "Uh-huh." "I was wondering if I could give it to someone in your coverage department?" "I mean, I know they're busy reading real works by real authors that..." "Meeri!" "Oh, I apologize profusely for that wildly inappropriate request." "And please let me just say congratulations on the huge success of "A Crowded Reality."" "New York Yimes bestseller." "Hello?" "I mean, honestly, what you've done as Managing Director of Fiction," "I was so impressed, it's bordering on jealousy." "I've been meaning to head over to the fiction department to tell you myself." "Managing Director..." "I just had the best idea:" "Lunch, sush, my office, my treat." "I would kill to pick your brain about some of those marketing strategies that you've come up with in the past, in-in..." "Julianne, I just realized that, um..." "I have a... a meeting that I have to go to." "Oh." "Yes." "Um, you can keep the milk, too." "How does she pull in those numbers?" "Oh my God, I've never wanted to be another person more in my entire life." "This boy's extreme makeover starts with that sweater." "Sasha fierce." "Hi, mom, it's me again." "Can you please call me?" "Hi." "Can I help you?" "I'm..." "I'm so sorry." "Um, I just..." "I must be on the wrong floor." "Sorry." "Oh, my... sorry." "I'm so..." "I thought, um..." "I thought my mother lived here." "Erica!" "What's wrong?" "Leo?" "Leo?" "What's wrong?" "Mom?" "Erica?" "What're you doing here?" "So, where are you coming from?" "Erica." "How'd you get here?" "I don't know, I, um..." "I walked." "What?" "From home?" "Maybe she fell?" "Maybe she had an accident?" "Do you think we should call an ambulance?" "Mom, just don't overreact, okay?" "Do you know who I am?" "Of course I know who you are, mom." "Look, you guys, I'm fine." "Who's Samantha?" "Samantha is my sister." "She's a neurosurgeon and she's married to Josh." "Josh?" "What?" "They broke up five years ago." "Sam and Josh aren't together?" "Oh, thank God." "You need to see a doctor." "Why don't I just call Annie?" "Who's Annie?" "Erica... do you remember that I talked to you last night and I said I was coming over here to help mom with the plans?" "The plans...?" "I'm an Architect, remember?" "Of course, yeah, no, it's-it's, uh... it's all coming back to me now." "Sam?" "Sam, can you come over?" "No, I need you right now." "Your sister can't remember anything." "Erica." "Yes?" "Sorry." "sorry." "Just stop staring." "Seriously, you're really starting to worry me." "No-no-no, Leo, I don't want to worry you." "Mom!" "Mom, I don't need a doctor, okay?" "I just, I, um..." "I got a little wasted last night, so I'm kind of hungover." "You got wasted?" "Wait a minute, aren't you supposed to be at work?" "Yes." "No, I'm not..." "you know what?" "I don't wanna talk about me right now, okay?" "Let's..." "let's talk about you." "What're you doing tonight?" "Can we go for dinner?" "No, I am meeting my future in-laws for dinner tonight." "Oh, right, I knew that." "No, you didn't." "Okay, she's on her way." "Gary's coming, too." "Dad, what..." "Dad's coming here?" "Oh God, you're not still married are you?" "No, Erica," "Why don't you go and lie down until Sam gets here?" "Yeah, you know, that's, um... that probably a good idea." "Right." "Okay." "She's awake." "Oh, how're you feeling, honey?" "Um, ah, I'm fine." "I mean, I, uh..." "I actually, I haven't felt this good in a really long time." "Where's Leo?" "He's having dinner with Annie's parents." "He's gonna call later to check in." "You know, I think you guys are blowing this out of proportion." "I know who I am," "I know who you are." "What was the name of your stuffed platypus?" "Shy." "The title of dad's last book?" "Um, the title, uh..." "Uh, dad's book?" "I remember something about outer space." "and aliens." "It's her short term memory that's been affected." "Oh my God, is she gonna be okay?" "We should take her into to the hospital and have her checked out." "Oh, you guys, honestly, there's nothing wrong with me." "I promise, okay?" "Hello?" "Oh, hi, Annie." "What, wait, what?" "Annie, what's wrong?" "When?" "Oh." "Are they sure it's Leo?" "what happened?" "A car accident." "Leo!" "Leo?" "!" "Is he okay?" "Why is this happening?" "How is this..." "all happening again?" "Are you surprised?" "Did you really think that you could get away with it?" "There are consequences to breaking the rules." "In your case, this is the result." "So, you're saying... you did this all to teach me a lesson?" "!" "No." "Think of this like the universe's way of righting itself." "You changed something, Erica." "It needed to be changed back." "But I had nothing to do with it." "I made a mistake." "yeah..." "It would seem that way." "Can I..." "Can I please go back?" "I'm sorry that I broke my promise." "I'm sorry." "I know, it's easy to be sorry... after the fact;" "When things haven't turned out the way you wanted them to." "Wha- what was that you said to me?" "That if you had to choose between Leo and therapy, you'd choose Leo?" "Well, Leo's dead..." "again." "So, what does that leave you with?" "Therapy, I guess, but... thing is, I'm not really interested anymore." "No, but, Dr. Tom," "I can understand that you're, you're upset and I screwed up." "I just, I..." "I just got caught up in it." "I did and..." "I..." "I just..." "It was too hard for me." "Maybe I'm not..." "Maybe I'm not ready." "You know..." "Erica, you don't have to do a whole song and dance for me." "Look, I'll do whatever you want." "You wanna go back?" "You wanna do it again?" "Yes." "Okay, well, go ahead, you're the boss." "No." "Oh, come on, it's pretty clear by this point that you think you should be the one calling the shots." "So go ahead, you go back." "I mean, honestly?" "I could care less." "Why are you taking that tone with us?" "We are trying to help you." "Because you're not listening to me!" "Leo!" "You just want what you want." "No, that's not true." "Yes, it is." "Leo?" "What?" "Hi." "I don't need a lecture from you too." "No, lecture." "I mean, they don't get it." "They're trying to hold onto this idea of what I'm supposed to become." "I know." "But they can't protect me forever." "No." "No, they can't." "They made their choices." "They've done it, it's my turn." "I'm not a kid anymore." "There's a point at which they should have to let go." "It's hard." "I mean, I'm not saying that they're right, 'cause they're not." "I just wish..." "I wish they'd just listen for once." "Why don't you write them a letter?" "You know, sometimes it helps to write things down." "'cause right now they're just... they're not seeing the big picture." "Which is that they can't protect you from everything." "All I'm saying is, you wanna drop out and see the world, things could be worse." "Erica?" "Yup." "Can I talk to you a minute?" "I'll be right there." "Thanks, sis." "No worries." "I'll see you down there in a bit." "Bye." "I'm just saying, you could talk to him." "Tell him he's making a mistake." "Mom, I can't do that, you know?" "I'm not sure it's true." "Of course it's true." "He just thinks he's a big shot, and he's still so young." "Leo... he's gonna do what he's gonna do and... there comes a point where you just have to let him go." "Leo." "Hey." "I, uh..." "I found something." "This was my fathers." "Oh my God." ""dear mom and dad," "I wanted to write to explain myself." "I hate fighting with you guys, and I need you to understand the reason I'm fighting so hard is because I feel I'm stuck." "Like I'm treading water and I need to take a risk and try something new." "It's easier to stay here in some ways, where everything is familiar, but then I think of how much more there could be for me, if I just took the chance." "I don't want to look back 10 years from now... and regret that I didn't follow my heart." "Even though I don't know what I want to do with my life," "I don't think that matters." "I know the kind of person I want to be:" "Unafraid of a challenge, and willing to face whatever comes." "I love you guys." "Leo."" "God, he was such a good kid." "An amazing brother." "Yeah." "He was never afraid of anything, right from the start." "You know?" "if he was here right now," "I wonder what he'd be doing?" "Probably living on a boat somewhere in Asia." "Doing humanitarian work in Africa." "You know, I..." "I think that he would've got a lot of the adventuring out of his system and... and that he'd wanna settle down with a nice girl and work here, you know, close to his family." "Maybe as an Architect." "An Architect?" "He loved building things." "Like the treehouse." "Oh, crazy treehouse." "He nearly broke his neck falling out of that thing." "♪ I will remember you ♪" "♪ will you remember me ♪" "♪ don't let your life ♪" "♪ pass you by ♪" "And then my dad, he bashed his hand and he started bleeding insanely, everywhere." "So we decided that it would be better to hire a construction crew." "Yeah." "So, we're gonna meet with them next week." "That's great." "Yeah." "I mean, it was, uh..." "it was really intense." "But just being them and talking about Leo," "Ethan, it felt so good." "You know, all those memories that we'd been trying to ignore, to finally share them with each other, it was like... in a way... he came alive, you know?" "And I have you to thank for that because I don't think that it would've happened this way, if you hadn't given me the push." "No, Erica, it's..." "No, really." "Look, I just..." "I always knew that the way that we dealt with Leo's death, it wasn't working, but..." "I mean, I was just..." "I was gonna ignore it." "So, thank you for giving me that kick." "Well, I owed you." "You did the same for me with Claire." "Erica..." "I've spent all these years trying not to notice how beautiful you are, and these past few months it's been almost impossible." "It's like..." "It's like?" "It's like what?" "It's like I think of all these things that... that I never say." "♪ ..." "Something much too deep ♪" "♪ it's funny how we feel so much ♪" "♪ but we cannot say a word ♪" "♪ we are screaming inside ♪" "♪ but we can't be heard ♪" "♪ and I will remember you ♪" "♪ do-be da da da da ♪" "♪ will you remember me ♪" "♪ do-be da da da da ♪" "♪ don't let your life pass you by ♪" "♪ do-be da da da da ♪" "♪ weep not for the memories ♪" "♪ do-be da da da da da ♪" "Hello, Erica." "Um..." "Hi." "Where am I?" "This is my office." "What's going on?" "I know you and Dr. Tom have hit a bit of a... snag." "Is he okay?" "He's fine." "He's taking a leave of absence." "A leave of absence?" "Uh..." "I'm sorry, I..." "I just, um..." "Can I get you anything?" "Tea?" "No, thank you." "So, just to clarify, who are you?" "I'm Naadiah." "Your new therapist."