"Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville!" "Welcome to Jackass!" "Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and I'm about to rent a car." " I have a reservation." " I need a driver's licence and credit card." "I need a signature here that you'll use your coverage instead of ours." " Is that white one us?" " Yes." "We're gonna walk around it and inspect it together." "Looks pretty good." "I'm just looking for dents and major scratches." " Ls not major, but I'll write it down." " The little ding there?" "We'll take care of her." " Thank you." " You have a good week." "We'll be doing a lot of work here today." "Trust us, we're gonna have fun." "I'm Johnny Knoxville." "This is called the "Rent-a-car Crash-up Derby"." "Oh, fuck!" "Oh, fuck!" "We didn't reinforce the windshield." " That fucker missed me by that." " Thas why you got the roll bars." "Whose car is this?" "This is your guys' car." "I rented it from you earlier." " Yeah, I hit a dog." " A dog, you call it." "Come on in." "I had an accident, as you can see." "When I drink, I just black out." " Were you drinking?" " I had a little, to be honest." " Is there any licence plates on it?" " There was." "Hopefully, you guys will incur some of the cost, 'cause I rented it from you guys fair and square." "I don't wanna get stuck with the whole charge." "You will get stuck with it." "I don't think I should." "I think you should help." "No." "You declined any additional coverage." "Right there." "You declined it." " Thas just paperwork." " Ls a legal contract." "I was..." "I had a few to drink when I signed that, too." " We'll have to get this worked out." " You'll have to pay for that car." " You have to help me." " No, we don't..." "I returned it with a full tank of gas." "You returned it demolished." " Ls got a full tank." " Thas the least of our worries." "This is an unmitigated outrage." "I've never seen anything like this." " What does that mean?" " No one's ever done that." " Well, I can't pay for it." " You're gonna have to." "Well, I ain't." "I'll let you two work it out." "I'm gonna go outside, but that car is gonna have to be paid for." "F you!" "Knoxville knocked my nuts in half!" "This is "The Muscle Stimulator"." "It hurts my teeth." "I can't even turn it off." "How's that supposed to help?" " OK, you ready?" " Yeah." "OK, I'm taking care of you." "Ls all right." "Ls cool." "You cool?" "Come on." "Ease up." "Daddy's got you." "Daddy's got you." "Come on." " You're gonna have tits of steel." " You're so buff right now." "This goes on the gooch!" "This goes on the gooch." "Who's gonna do the gooch?" "In case you didn't know, the gooch is the spot between your balls and butthole." " Does it smell?" " Smell it." "Just smell it!" "Ehren, smell it." " Zap my nuts." " Les get it over with." " Are we ready?" " You're so gone." " He likes it." " He liked it." "Afternoon." "How you doing?" "Son of a bitch!" "What happened?" "Man!" "Thas the best thing I've ever seen!" "Oh, fuck, dude!" " Are you OK?" "Get over here!" " Help him, help him!" " Medic!" " No!" "Don't move him!" "That had bad news written all over it." " Thas the worst that could happen." " Dunn can't drive for shit." "I don't know what happened." "We went in the air." "The next thing I know" "I'm just fucked." "Dude, you were hauling so much ass." "We're here in Tokyo, and I feel like partying." "Hi, I'm Party Boy." "Can I try this?" "Here we go." "Ls my party music." "Like it?" "That makes me want to party." "I feel like partying right now." "Thas what the big ones do." "Sometimes they take a while to..." "Fuck!" "Don't pull on it, man." "You can't pry his mouth open." "Ls slowly getting weightless." " Is he opening?" " No, you're twisting him!" "Oh, fuck!" "He's got my nipple, dude." " I know." "Hang on." " Hang on." "Don't move." " You little bastard!" " Look at the teeth marks." "Man..." "I am Bunny Lifeguard." "Any alligators try to ruin our swimming," "I'll wrestle them down and have my way with them." "If he falls near an alligator and it grabs hold of him," "Steve-O will relax and hope the alligator will release him." "I'm Steve-O." "This is "Alligator Tightrope"." " Oh, shit." " There's no such thing as failure." "He got it." "One thing I know is good tightrope-walking." " Oh, no." " Oh, yes." " Put the chicken on him!" " Yeah!" " Oh, shit." " There you go." " Keep going, Steve-O." " Oh, shit!" "Keep your head up." " Stick the bones up your ass." " Let them pull it out." "Stay there, don't move!" "Don't look!" "Don't move!" "I ran straight into a crocodile." "Oh, my God!" " Why can't you walk on a tightrope?" " I don't know." "I thought you'd do it." "Yeah, I don't know, man." "I'm sure I could learn, but today was my first try." "I'm Bam Margera, and my parents are asleep." "Ls 12.42, and Phil has to be at work at five in the morning." "He's trying to get a good nighs sleep, and I'm gonna go wake his ass up." "I'm dying." "Holy shit!" " Oh, my God." "I don't believe this." " Look at Phil's tummy." "Phil, you got to be up at five in the morning." "Six o'clock I'll be at work." "Here he comes." "Christ, Bam!" "I almost broke my leg getting out!" "There's shit all over!" "How am I going to work now?" "That woman in the corner, cold playin' the role" "Leave her ass in the corner till her feet get cold" "Knowin' for a fact that girl is whacked" "If you hold your hand out she'll turn her back" "Better walk, don't talk She's all pretend" "Can't be her friend unless you spend" "Wall to wall, after all, get ready to throw only money at the bitch" "'Cause she thinks she's so-phisticated" "So-phisticated" "What are you doing?" "I ought to arrest you with all that in your clothes." "Whas wrong with you?" " What are you talking about?" " Get this out of your pocket!" "Thas all me." "What is this bullshit?" "!" " Those are my bananas." " Don't come here no more!" "Get out, and take the other stuff out of your pockets." "Get it all out." " Thas how you treat an old man?" " Yeah, go." "An old man that steals." "I can't believe it." "What kind of games are you playing?" "Get out!" " Get out!" " Goddammit!" "What is wrong with you?" "!" "Get out!" "Quit playing!" " I was Lon Chaney's lover!" " Go back and love him." "We're gonna go to this hardware store where they sell toilets." "I'm gonna take a shit." "I'm gonna shit my pants before we get to that place." " Dave, fight it." " No jokes." "I just wanna hold it in." " Got to poo?" " Pretty much." "Really bad." "Do you wanna ruin everything?" "I swear to God..." "Is a problem." "Is this the worst you've had to go boom-boom?" "No." "I shit my pants at the fair." "Dude, he's shitting right now!" "Get out, get out!" "Get out of the fucking car!" " What did I do?" "!" " Did you shit?" "Oh, shit!" "I'm taking a cab back to the hotel." "He just shat everywhere." " Whas wrong, man?" " I had to sit there while he shat." "I need to go home right now." "Ls on my hand." "We have very..." "What the hell are you doing?" " What are you doing?" " I'm sorry." "I'm almost done." "I hope you aim to get that, son of a bitch." "You got to clean it out, pal." "That is disgusting, man!" "What a fucking fruit loop!" "Want me to play back?" "What the fuck!" " Got him!" " Turn around." "Les see it." "Thas a good one." "I'm Ehren Mcghehey." "This is "The Mousetrap"." "All right!" "Come on." "Thas enough!" "Time!" "The "Bungee Wedgie"." " This isn't gonna work." " It might." "Whas gonna happen here?" "I don't know, but is not whas gonna be intended." "Raab's putting a bloody tampon on." "Thas a Courtney Love-sized Maxi Pad." "This is worse than a hanging." "I'm Raab Himself, and I'm a complete fucking idiot." " We need another one." " Do it again." "Hey, I'm Raab Himself, and this is "Bungee Wedgie"." "Is that your shitty ass?" "Look at the bloody, shitty underpants." "I can't believe this!" "We're in the Valley today to do our own riot control test." "This is George Hruska." "What do you do and what are we doing here today?" "I'm Vice President of Operations with ALS Technologies." "We make less lethal ammunition." "We're a top US manufacturer." "We're going to shoot you with one of our projectiles." "Ls called the Pen-Prevent." "Ls a 40-gram tail-stabilised bag." "Lll be travelling about 250 feet per second." "Is that lethal?" "Ls considered less lethal." "This morning I thought I was taking the beanbag projectile in the chest, but George's company said no way." "If it hits me in the heart, I'm pretty much done with." "We wanna take every precaution necessary to protect your vital organs." " Are my intestines in that area?" " Think so." "Awesome." "Are you gonna take some practice shots?" "This is nothing to mess around with." "This is nothing for anybody to throw in a 12-gauge shotgun and think they could take it." "I'm doing this because I can do this in a controlled state." "Safety's off." "Going hot." " That really hurt." " It looked like it hurt." "Oh, fuck!" "Did you see the way I caught that beanbag with my stomach?" "Thas instinct." "You can't teach that." "It hurts so much going from a prone position to standing." "Ouch." "Hi, I'm Wee Man, and this is a big cone." "Oh, my God!" "My brakes!" "Oh, shit!" "My brakes!" "My brakes!" "My brakes!" "Stop me!" "Stop me!" "Stop me!" " You all right?" " That was so fast." " Did your brakes go out?" " Yes." "That whole thing doesn't work." "Will you push me to the top?" "I wanna do it again." "I could sure go for a Miller High Life." "Oh, you're in so much trouble." "Kick her ass!" "I'm about to get ass-kicked by a girl." "Keep up the left!" "And the winner and still champion:" " Now pronounce her name!" "His bloody mouthpiece." "My God, my jaw is two inches to the left." "I felt all right for a bit, until she punched me in the nose." "I knew she was fighting dirty." " "Tropical Pole Vaulting."" " One, two, three, four!" " Go grab the dead kitty!" " I've been in there before." "It sucks!" "Oh, God!" "We don't have to bleep cuss words, so I promise I will get my mom to say "fuck" by the end of this movie." "I'm Johnny Knoxville." "We're about to test my rocket skates." "Go." "This is "Rocket Skates", take two." " This one will be more powerful." " These are different rockets?" "No, there's more of them." " Oh, fuck!" " Whas wrong?" "I fell and busted my ass." "Thas whas fucking wrong." "Thas it." "No more rocket skates." "God!" "This party sucks!" " Hey, my man." "Wasabi." "Lots." " Wasabi." "Yeah!" "Today I'm gonna treat myself to some wasabi snooters." "Little circles." "God!" "Chopsticks are so stupid!" "Pretty good line." "More." "Do another snooter." "I need a pick-me-up." "This is bullshit!" "Phil." "Phil!" "Phil." "Hey, Phil!" "Oh, my God." "Is this thing real?" "!" "This alligator?" "!" " What?" " Look!" "Over there in the corner." "What is that?" "Where have you been?" "Don't you even look?" "Oh, my God!" "Ls moving." "Oh, Phil!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Aren't you scared to death?" "!" "Ls so gross that is even on the floor." "I'm going out." "Where's my keys?" "That is the scariest fucking thing I ever saw!" "Don't leave." "Where are you going?" "Phil, help me get this thing out of here!" "I'm scared to death!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, man!" "No, no!" "I don't want it open!" "No, no!" "You don't have it, do you?" " No, we don't." " Ls not there?" "Seriously, is that real?" "I'm serious." "Is it real?" " Is it real?" "!" " Yeah." "I'm serious." "I want it out!" "Dude, wait, stop, chill!" "Jason kicked your ass!" " I didn't even get you." " You got beat up by Wee Man." "Let me see." "He didn't even get you." " Where?" " He didn't even get you." "Let me see the back of your head." " Oh!" " Lll be all right." "I'm here with Eric Koston and Clyde Singleton." "Today I'm gonna 50-50 this rail, or try to." " This thing is long." " Thanks." "Thanks for reminding me." "I got it." "I got this." " Is he gonna go?" " He's gonna go somewhere." "He's going, yeah." "My impression of Johnny Knoxville." "Something like this." ""Oh, my face!"" "I'm Johnny Knoxville, and I'm gonna grind this rail." "Ready, set, go." "He made it!" "I can't believe he got that far." "You ran it to the fucking bottom!" "This is the "Paper Cuts"." "I'm getting paper cuts between my fingers and toes." "There's no good way to do it." "Just deal with it." "Take a breath." "You can feel when it goes in." "This one works good." "Give me the next." "Do it." " Open up with a good one!" " Did you hear that?" "That was my flesh!" "If I do your hand, you'll forget the pain in your foot." "Good point." "Take a deep breath." "Hey, Lance, are you going to puke?" "He's gonna puke!" "From what, the pepperoni or the paper cuts?" "Both?" "Pepperoni!" " Pig entrails?" " Ls showtime!" "Is he OK?" " Lance, are you all right?" " Don't knock over the beer." " Are you OK?" " No." "There's green spit everywhere." "Steve-O, if you wanna do some more, do it." "I'm done." "Is everybody ready?" "That sucked!" "Am I glad I came down to see what was going on in this room." "Wait a minute." "I know what my fortune is." "Ls partying." "This is "Sweaty Fat Fucks"." "Oh, honey." "Ls been a while." " Ls a little too much." " No." " You need to do it?" " You want a spot?" " No, I got it." " You got it?" " You need a spot, give me a call." " OK." "Whas the quickest you've knocked anyone out?" "I hold the California State record of 18 seconds including the 10-count." "I think you'll break that today." " I'm Johnny Knoxville." " I'm Butterbean." "Today we're gonna do a little boxing." "Guys, touch gloves and come out fighting." "Get up!" "One more time." "This is the last time you're kicking my ass." "More pain, thas it." "Hit me once, at least." "There you go." "He's out." "Is Butterbean OK?" "By knockout in the first round, new champion:" "Butterbean." " Where are we going, Knoxville?" " The hospital." " Why?" " Don't know." "Apparently, I have a gash in my head, and I'm a little concussed." " Are you giving me a shot?" " Yeah." "You OK?" "We got one more to go, buddy." "Then you are a free man." "You're gonna be not feeling great for the next 24 hours." "Thank you, doctor." "You'll probably see me in two or three days." "I, Sir Marcius, will never pay you with cash, only with drugs!" " Goddammit, what are you doing?" " Whas going on?" "We're in Okinawa and about to swim with whale sharks, but first we need to go rub one out." "I made the mistake of showing them what sea cucumbers do when they're threatened." "As soon as something touches them, white threads come out of the end." "Steve-O and Chris thought it was a great idea, so they're out there trying to masturbate." "Anyway, I apologise for this." "This is the "Whale Shark Gummer"." "With a simple shave with a razor, Steve-O easily disguises himself to fool the whale sharks into thinking he's a harmless young boy." "I am nervous about my wiener around that whale shark." "The best way is to think of whale sharks as big puppy dogs." " Sometimes puppies bite." " They have little teeth." "You're gonna get a gummer." " Ls like being with a gal with no teeth." " Kind of." "Below these waters, 30-foot whale sharks are waiting to eat these frigging shrimp out of our crotches." "They're kind of..." "They pinch." "Are these alive?" "They don't feel good all the way to your cock." "Look at this shrimp." "I don't have any last words." "I'll kill myself once I lose my wiener." "My penis is really small now." "I can't really look cool right now." "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville." "This is the "Tidal Wave"." " How did it look?" " Good." " Look at this guy." " Great." "I don't pick a tattoo unless I'm sure people will laugh when they see it." "Oh, my God, dude." "How do you perform the worlïs dumbest tattoo?" "Fuck, man." "At least I don't have to look at it." "My name is Henry Rollins, and this is "Off-road Tattoo"!" "This is designed to fuck you up!" "Christian motherfucker!" "Ls a total smiley face, dude." " This fool got a haircut a week ago." " You're about to get many more." "Look at Ehren." "Oh, shit!" "We're finding it chilly in Japan, so we're gonna warm ourselves up with some fireworks." " Les go, dude." " Roll back just a bit." "Oh, no." "This is a bad angle." "An ember fell in my cornhole." "Double-knot it, but gently." "You may think this next stunt is impossible." "You got to squat a little." "Every time..." "Is Chris' dick shorter or...?" "That almost hit Louis in the face!" "Goddamn, this is the "BMX Tug-of-war"." "What a dumb-ass idea!" "I'm surrounded by cacti, for fuck's sake!" " Ls cacti!" " Cactus!" "Whatever it is, it hurts!" "You wanna get help across?" "This is the "Yellow Snowcone"." "Pack it in nice and tight." "A little cold out here, it might take a second." "There we go." "I'm not worried about the pee..." " You're missing the cone." " I'm sorry." "You better eat that whole thing and that spot, too." "Enjoy the snow cone." "You just wasted a whole bunch." "Get that whole mouthful." " Keep going, eat it!" " Ls your pee!" " Come on!" " I'm trying." "Ls so cold." " Swallow it." " Oh, God!" " No puking." " I'm doing it!" "Ls dripping out the bottom." "Catch it!" "Oh, my God!" "That was bad!" "Kick yourself in the head, Wee Man." "Are you starting to lose your mind?" "You shit!" "Stop it!" "Now you're getting crazy on this shit." "Hey!" "He's starting to lose it!" "Jesus Christ!" "I need toilet paper!" "This is called the "Golf Course Airhorn"." "When people tee off and are coming down with their swing, we'll blow these airhorns." " Here she goes again." " No?" "Is there another one?" "She still hit it pretty good." " What did I tell you?" " You lost your club." "Sorry." "Didn't I tell you I'd come over and kick your ass?" " Sorry, I've got bursitis." " So you got to play with a horn?" " It helps." " I'll give you something to play with." "Sorry." "It won't happen again." " Oh, fuck!" " He's teeing up." " Get back!" "Get down!" " Watch this." "Wait." "Oh, Jesus, you're scary!" " I'm Bam Margera." " Johnny Knoxville." "We're gonna be burglars today." "Oh, God!" " Fuck!" "Get the diamonds!" " I told you not to fall off the beam!" "Turn around!" "Fuck!" "Holy fuck!" "Idiot!" "Holy fuck!" " You all right?" "You OK?" " I'm good." "What did you think happened?" "I wasn't halfway through the ceiling and you were already out the door." "You're an Olympic sprinter!" "Dude, guys in masks, I'm out." "I don't quit!" "Is there any actual real reason one would shove this up their ass?" " No." " I'm claiming predictions for this event." " Where's Ryan?" "1:" "Is not getting in there." "2:" "If it does, is not staying." "Definitely no sitting down." "3:" "No way they'll believe this is true." "So you're saying is..." "There's nothing I want more than for this to happen, but..." " You didn't want it that much." " I really do." "This is our original talent for this piece, by the way." "The first thing you've ducked out of." "Man, I'm so glad I turned this idea down." "I'll probably use all of this before the end of the segment." "What else have we got?" "A condom." "Thank you." "A little toy car." "Blue." "Ls my favourite colour." "Les see it dangling." "Look at the reservoir tip." "Now I'm lubing up the little toy car, because I'm going to put it in my butt." "Be comfortable." "Eïs here for rescuing, dude." "You're here for making it a problem." " You watching is uncomfortable." " I got to get another job." " Lube up your cornhole." " I am." "I'm spackling." " Heart rate's going up, for sure." " Adrenaline's flowing, isn't it?" "It hurts like hell." "Come on in, Manny." "You're just in time." "Manny, tell me I'm a man." "It feels so goddamn gross." "This is insane." "Ls totally insane." " Ls in." " Ls in?" "Oh, fuck!" "I feel like I have to shit my ass!" "Is there anything to tap?" "You said you didn't wanna do it because your dad would disown you." " It wasn't that." " You drank wine off a dude's ass crack!" "But Dad never saw that." "I never told him that." "I was gonna do this and I was like," ""Dad, we're going hard these days." "There's ideas floating around."" "I mentioned the car in the butt, and it was the only time in my life" "I heard my dad say, "I'm not mad at you, I'm just disappointed."" "That hurt so much more." " Look at him walk." " Dunn's gonna win, dude." "I'm not too excited about this skit, because there's a toy car in my butt, but this is the "Butt X-ray"." "I think I need an X-ray." " How are you doing?" " Pretty good." " I'm Ryan." " What can I do for you?" "I was partying last night with some frat guys." "I passed out." "I must have broken something, 'cause I can't walk right." "We're gonna take X-ray now." " This is comfy." " Hold your breath." "I can't tell you, he's there." " Whas that?" " No idea." "Thas not part of you." "Thas something extra." " I woulïve known if I ate that." " You wouldn't be able to swallow that." " That is a car toy." " How did a car toy get there?" " Maybe you stuck it up your ass." " I didn't do that." "You ever seen anything like that?" "I've never seen that in there." "I'd say is a toy car." "Never in somebody's rectum." " You can't get it out?" " No." "I'm a physician." "I practise this." "X-ray only." "You think I can just poop it out?" "You won't be able to poop it out." "It will hurt you." "I don't think is even good for you that you poop it out." "What will happen if he takes Ex-Lax?" "Will that help?" "No." "He gets a lot of diarrhoea, but no car." "I appreciate it." "Thank you for taking care of me." "He's alive!" "Johnny Knoxville!" "He made it!" "There is a God!" "At last, I thought it would never..." "This is the end!" "Thank you, Jesus!" "Subtitle arrangement:" "Plavi-G@Avgust 2003" "Whose dick do I got to suck to get some explosions?" "Gator wrestling!" "For fuck's sake, come here!" "Hurry up!" "Hurry!" "We wanted to see if you would run." "I ain't running anywhere." "Scary enough to walk." "You're nice." "You're a good man." "Wanna come over for dinner?" "Ls OK." "Do you know how to operate it now?" "Yeah, I think so." "I need help." "The smiley face is a complete crucial..." " What did I say?" " "Fuck."" " I didn't say the F-word?" " You did." " Don't worry." "We'll bleep it." " Can we cut that out?" "I think it says "fuck" on my forehead." " Did you know I had a tail?" " No." "They must have taken it from somewhere..." "I can't believe you did that." "Show him the X-ray." "Trust me, dude." "I'm not unimpressed." "Oh, fuck!" "The next time we could do "Son of Jackass"." "Yeah, dude!"