"Oooh, I think we stopped." "One - I gotta take a shit." "Two - fucking stupid Charles." "Man there's nothing but healthy food on this bus." "I need like a pretzel, just one taco... and gas station nachos and pizza." "What about that new rock and roll diet weight loss sponsorship?" "C'mon, man, look at me." "In shape." "I comins with." "Lets me get me jackets." "Jackets is for pussies." "Ow!" "Dude!" "I gotta use the can!" "Let me in there!" "Can't help ya!" "Occupado, dude!" "Oh nooooo!" "Guys, the bus is driving away!" "Somebodys calls de driver!" "Our Dethphones are on the Dethbus!" "Come on, lets go!" "Wait for us!" "Stop!" "Now what the fucks are wes gonna do?" "I don't know." "Hellllllllp!" "Come on guys, let's go to the forest." "There's gotta be a short cut." "As long as we're moving, we're good." "TOKI:" "I guess you knows what you're talkings about, right?" "Do me a favor and have the Dethdriver do a head count of the boys." " Yes sir." " Sir?" "I just have a weird feeling that something " "Sir Deth Driver just did a headcount." "The band-mates were left behind at a gas station." "They never notified the bus driver that they were going in." " They're now missing." " Get a chopper ready." "You, 2375, come with me." "Yes sir." "But how did you know?" "They could freeze out there." "We can't waste any time!" "Why didn't we bring our jackets?" "!" "Dude, this is a humiliating way to die." "Huddled together like a bunch of homos." "Pickles we need to use each other's body heat to stay alive." "I'm telling you here." "Ugh." "Just try not to get a boner." "You try not to get a boner from me!" "'Cause I'm getting in good shape!" "Rock and Roll diet." "Losing weight." "We're lost." "We missed our bus and we're dying in the snow because our manager is "too busy."" "You're right!" "This is HIS fault." "Yeahs." "Dis ams HIS faults." "Guys!" "Stay right there, we're sending down a ladder." "Fuckin Offdensen." "Fucks dats guy!" "# Doodily ding dong tick-tock #" "# Doodily ding dong tick-tock #" "# Doodily ding dong tick-tock #" "# Dethklok!" "Dethklok!" "Dethklok!" "Dethklok!" "#" "# I'll... teach you... to... rock... #" "# Dethklok, Dethklok #" "# Skwisgaar Skwigelf, taller than a tree #" "# Toki Wartooth, not a bumblebee #" "# William Murderface Murderface Murderface #" "# Pickles the drummer doodily doo ding dong doodily doodily doo #" "# Nathan Explosion #" "PICKLES:" "What the hell happened out there?" "You!" "Yeah, how did we get left behind?" " Yeah!" " Ow!" "I just want to get warm." "I need more blanket." "Look you were out there for less than 15 minutes." "God knows why you ran into the woods and didn't stay in the gas station." "Well maybe we don't know to go inside when it's cold." "Yeah." "Maybe we need someone to tell us to do that!" "Where were you?" "Listen, I can't be there every second of your life." "I couldn't have made it easier for you." "I put food on the bus." "All you have to do is eat the food, stay on the bus, don't walk into the snow... cold... snow..." "snow cones." "Write this down." ""Snow cones."" "ASSISTANT Yes sir." "Snow cones." "Why are you talking about snow cones?" "I'm freezing!" "And I practically died, dammit!" "Gotta get more blanket!" "Aaaaahhhh!" "Great." "Now I lost my assistant." "Man, I know we screwed up and stuff but we're still palling around this weekend, right?" "Yeah, we're still gonna pal around, right?" " All of us?" " Sorry, guys but I'm gonna have to go ahead and cancel that." "Too much work to do." "Israel concert and everything..." "Sorry." "I'll make it up to you." "I still can't believe Charles blew us off to work." "I mean, he totally rejected us." "Yeah, he did totally reject us." "I know." "We're the fucking biggest death metal band of all time." "You don't reject us..." "to work!" "I know!" "We planned this weekend in Syria for a long time!" "I knoooow!" "Yeah, and nows we got to do its alones." "It's a downer!" "Looking at each other's stupid faces." "I know!" "And we are sick of each other." "I know!" "I think that was the first time we ever got rejected for anything." "Yeah." "It feels bad..." "Well at least we gots a couple days to hangs out with our olds pal, Abdul Malik!" "That guys cans party!" "Yeah." "I guess that's cool." "Sir, your new Assistant manager has arrived." " Very well." " Sir, I am Fifty-Seven Twen " "Uh huh." "You've been trained, fully vetted and former identity erased." "Your life will be at risk daily, etc., and you should know that all of my previous assistants have died long, painful deaths." " Yes, sir." " Alright." "Sir, your video conference is scheduled to commence." "Very good." "You- watch and learn." "This is some of the most important and lucrative business" "I will have conducted up to this point." "Put him on." "Hello Charles, and let me say how much of a pleasure it is to be uniting Saul's Sno Cones and Dethklok." "And we followed your design to a tee and think they turned out great." "And they taste great!" "Dethkones." "Icy and brutal!" "Wonderful." "Send us 70 million units." "Seriously?" "70 million?" "Bye!" "8422?" "Where are we with the concert in Israel?" "Pre-sales sold out in minutes." "400,000 seats." "Very well." "Yes sir, we have a conference call with the local promoters at 14:00." "Good, advance the venue in the meantime." "And I'll check with the concert and pre pro." "Yes sir." "Pardon me sir, did you just buy $70 million dollars worth of " "Yeah." "Boys!" "What a great weekend!" "Dude, thanks for hosting us!" "It's nice to have someone to pal around with who isn't too busy." "Yeah." "That's the truth!" "Yeah thanks Abduls!" "Ow!" "Well, you guys are crazy!" "And boy you sure can drink!" "Oh thanks Abdul!" "Seriously guys I can't wait for the show in Syria." "We're gonna start promoting it if you guys are cool!" "Oh yeah that's right." "We got drunk and did heroin and stuff and said we'd book a gig in Syria." "I remember now." " Uhhhh..." " Yeah let's do it." "Uhhh guys, are you sure?" "I mean, Charles usually books the gigs, you know." "Yeah but he's not heres, agains!" "So we can does what we wants..." "Well uhhh hard to say what to do..." "Too much work." "Israel concert and everything..." "Uh I don't see what could be bad about booking a gig in Syria." "Israel concert and everything..." "So I'm going to go ahead and say "let's book it!"" " Do it!" " Promotes it!" "Yeah do it!" "Ah, you guys, thank you so much." "Syria's gonna lose their mind-balls!" "I love it!" "I gotta run." "I'll see you soon!" "Yeah, see ya later, Abdul!" "Yeah, we just booked a gig!" "That dude is the real deal." "Aah!" "Managing this band is the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life." "You won't be thanked for your work." "No one will remember your birthday." "People will take you for granted." "And like I said - your life will be in constant danger." "You'll ask yourself, "Why do I do this?"" "And ultimately, you'll know - that it simply needs to be done." "It's the most rewarding thing you'll ever do." "It's something worth dying for." "Sir, the United Nations would like you to call them." "Oh." "Generally it's not good to receive a phone call from the United Nations." "Hi, I'm William Murderface and I may look a little heavy right now, but that won't last too long because I'm on the Rock and Roll diet." "Soon I'll be slipping into my skinny shorts with ripped up abs and rocking biceps!" "So stay tuned and watch my fat melt off of my body to reveal the me that I've always wanted to be!" "The Rock and Roll Diet - Get on it!" "Hey." "Why'd the TV turn off?" "Did you... book a gig in Syria... without telling me?" "Uhhhhh." "Why are you yelling at us?" "They're calling it DoubleDeth Jeopardy" "The double booked Dethklok gig between Israel and Syria." "The world waits with baited breath hoping that this ticking time bomb can be disarmed." "Charles Offdensen is expected to meet with the United Nations soon." "You double booked a gig on the exact same day with Syria and Israel!" "Who are bitter enemies!" " You ams pissed offs because " " Because we're fat." "We didn't know we were doing something bad because you weren't there!" "I mean, can't we cancel it?" "No." "We can't cancel it." "Nice work, guys." "Oh no, we blew it!" "How could we have been so stupid?" "There's something bigger to think about... our manager finally hates us." "Now the question is - how do we avoid starting World War III?" "Now, gentlemen, we're in quite a predicament." "Normally, when Dethklok performs a show, the local economy flourishes, jobs are created, and even though there is potential damage and minor physical harm," "everyone makes money, everyone is happy, and everyone is entertained." "But since the double booking of the gig between Syria and Israel, acts of terror, vandalism, and threats of nuclear warfare have arisen in the media." "Now, if for some reason I can't convince one of these countries to reschedule, we could be the cause of World War III... which will hurt record sales." "And that's our bread and butter they're fucking with." "And the tallies are in!" "Worst beach body of the decade goes to" "Dethklok's own tubby bassist, William Murderface!" "That is so fucked up." "It's not my fault!" "I'm struggling with my Rock and Roll Diet!" "Murderface, you're a huge fat pig because our manager is too busy and you're overfeeding yourself like a dumb animal." "PICKLES:" "You're fat because of neglect!" "Yeah, it's neglect." "Yuh, you ams faaaat." " You're like a manatee." " Yeah, a manatee." "You're right." "This is his fault." "Fucking Offdensen." "And Toki, you've been hitting people a lot." "You know, I don't think he can hear me." "Toki you're all finished now!" " Okays." "Sees yous guys later!" " Goodbye." "PICKLES:" "Toki's hitting people again!" "Toki, no!" "Don't hit!" "He's hitting again." "He's hit" " Ow!" "Dammit, Charles." "He better do something about us." "Our bass player is fat, Toki's a chronic hitter." "I mean, we're all starting to act like assholes in our own way." "We've heard from both parties and we're sad to say that we cannot reach a conclusion in regards to moving either of the two concerts." "Now listen." "It's in our best interest to satisfy both parties to the best of my ability." "For that I may need a little patience on yo " "Sorry." "I may need a little patience as I iron out the " "Sir?" "It's Dethklok." "Tell them that I'll have to return their phone call." "They claim that it's rather urgent." "Urgent?" "Very well." "I'm very sorry." "Uh, guys I'm in a meeting with the United Nations right now." "PICKLES:" "Toki hit me in the arm and it really hurt." "I'm trying to solve the Israel-Syrian issue with the UN right now." "Hey, it's Nathan." "He hit me too." "And he keeps on hitting all of us." "Well maybe if you told " "Hey!" "Hey!" " Mm hmm..?" " It's William." "Yes." "I was just standing there and Toki walks up and slaps me hard." "Really hard on the back!" "and I didn't do anything to provoke him." "SWISGAAR:" "Neithers dids any of us!" "And now I gots fucking welts all overs my arms!" "Okay well listen " "And the TV news called me fat!" " Okay, guys..." " Yes?" "I'm really busy right now." "In the meantime, try to tell Toki that you don't appreciate being hit." "You tell him!" "He won't listen to us." "We know he won't." "No, he won't." "You have to do it." "Okay when I get home, before dinner I'll talk to him, okay?" "I just can't do it right now." " I'm in the middle of " " No now!" "We're watching you on TV we'll know if you don't!" " Yeah, you're on C-SPAN!" " You're not doing it!" "My apologies, ladies and gentlemen of the United Nations." "I have to..." "make a quick phone call." "Toki." "One moment." "Hello, Toki?" "TOKI:" "Hi, you've reached the phones of Toki Wartooths..." "Voicemail." "I'm not homes right nows but listens very carefullys to these following instructions " "After you hears a beep, please leaves a detailed message on who's you are and what you'd likes to talk to Toki Wartooths about " "After a long session, an agreement has been reached." "Dethklok has no choice but to play two gigs at once!" "STAMPINGSTON Dethklok has double booked a gig between Israel and Syria and could bring about the biggest war in years." "Vader Orlag?" "But in the hot seat is Charles Offdensen." "He's proven to be a master accountant, manager, legal counsel, and negotiator, who's even managed to negotiate his way out of death." "A short time ago he was believed to be dead." "He reappeared 9 months later just as the band was about to throw their careers away." "But the question remains " "Why did he fake his death?" "Where was he during those nine months?" "You're mine now!" "I need you to kill me." "He saw me." "And lived." "Could he know... who I am?" "No, Master." "Impossible." "Offdensen's disappearance coincides with the commencement of the Falconback Project." "We have to consider the possiblity that he could have knowledge." "Impossible!" "No one other than the people in this room know of its existence." "This information is top secret and highly guarded." "If he were anywhere near the premises he'd have been hunted down." "Yes General..." "But no one hunts for a dead man." "The dead man." "Dead man." "The dead man." "The dead man." "The dead man!" "The dead man!" "The dead man!" "To satisfy both parties we're forced to spend a great deal of money developing new concert technology." "Now it's true, trying to perform in two places at once will put us in the red." "And the only way to make it back will be a super concession double blow out." "We need to create a scenario wherein we can sell as many Dethkones as humanly possible." "Dethkones." "Icy and brutal!" "Believe it or not gentlemen, snowcones could very well save our asses." "Snow cones... and merch." "Here's a fun little video that will explain everything." "Hey folks, it's me Facebones." "What happened to the Facebones thing?" "Guys, I'm trying to work here." "What?" "We're just trying to help you!" "Go away." "The five of you are the cause of all of this." "I want you out of my sight... now." "Go." "GO!" "But what about" " I thought we were gonna hang out..." "Get out of here!" "Guys, I think it's pretty clear that our manager doesn't care about us anymore." "And Murderface, I mean, you're getting really, really, really fat." "It's kind of the final nail in the coffin." "I know we don't know what to do right now with all these big, huge problems like making messes, not cleaning up after ourselves and you know, potentially starting World War III," "I'm gonna suggest that we do something we've never done before." "Something doesn't feel right." "Can you do a head count of the boys?" "Sire, they don't appear to be on the premises." " What do you mean?" " They're gone." "Sire, they've left this note." "We've run away." "They've run away." "And it appears as if they've left without any jackets or credit cards." "How are we supposed to do a show if there's no band?" " It'll be a war!" " You let me worry about that." "I'm gonna go find them myself." "I'm sorry I've been so busy and I see what that's done to all of you." "I want you to know, you're all very important." "To me." "And Toki, you don't need to hit people to get their attention." "Everybody likes you, thinks you're really cool." "I think you're really cool." "Uh.. there, there... uh huh..." "But there's a bigger matter at hand." "We have the opportunity to save thousands of lives." "But I can't do it alone." "We're good to go." "We're on in four, three, two..." "There's a problem!" "It's not working, sir!" "Just reboot it..." "Try it again." "It's still not working!" "Dammit!" "Performance sequence initiated." "# We are the dark and the light #" "# We are the dark and the light #" "# We have the power of time #" "# We have the power of time #" "# We are the serpents of twine #" "# The galaxy will... #" "Turn up the heat." "We're gonna sell some Dethcones!" "# This is the beginning #" "# This is the beginning #" "# This is the beginning #" "# This is the beginning #" "# This is the beginning #" "# This is the beginning #" "# This is the beginning #" "# This is the beginning #" "# This is the beginning #" "# This is the beginning #" "# This is the beginning #" "# This is the beginning #" "# This is the beginning #" "# This is the beginning #"