"THEME MUSIC" "HORN TOOTS" "Are you interested in my carrot thinnings, young Fairfax?" "Always, Tilly." "I'll get Felicity to pull them." "Can't stop." "Thank God for small mercies." "Orville Tudway?" "Summer, is he coming in." "Whoa." "Watch your feet there now." "Hello there, Peter." "Hello, Orville." "You're looking as prosperous as ever, I see." "Get off." "Oh, um, listen, I've got something for you." "Oh." "Good or bad?" "Dunno." "It's a letter, it came just before Easter." "Do you reckon a tax return?" "Sorry I'm late, Mr Fairfax." "Oh, yeah." "Stefan, there's a grey envelope on the left of the counter." "Can you fetch it for us?" "So, staying long?" "A couple of weeks." "You, um, got anything special lined up?" "I might have." "Oh, thanks." "You're still as nosy as ever, Peter." "You keep this Saturday free." "Bad news?" "For someone, yeah." "You do know I'm dreading this, don't you?" "Of course you are, Dada, you're an Englishman." "Now, no picking on the shop assistant." "I like them." "I'll take these." "Hang on a sec." "Could you see if you do them in a larger size?" "Where's he going?" "Dad, stop panicking." "No-one's going to see you in here, and, yes, they're very nice." "So they should be." "Turn around." "Mrs Barnaby." "Cully." "Hi Gavin." "Hello." "What do you reckon?" "Very nice, sir." "I'm afraid we don't do them in a larger size, madam." "Oh, hi, Gavin." "How are you?" "All right, mate." "That's it." "Marks and Spencers." "They've stood by me all these years, I shall now return the compliment." "Canteen lunches?" "Diet." "I'll design it." "Gavin, you make sure he sticks to it." "Oh, I get the easy job, do I?" "You want to get your mum to buy you a car, Fleur." "This thing's had its day." "Well, she would." "It's Hector." "Yeah, well, he always had long pockets." "Pass me that plug spanner, will you?" "You know she's watching us, don't you?" "You'd better get home." "I've been asking you to mend this washing machine for three weeks now." "It needs a special part." "Haven't got round to buying it." "She snaps her fingers, and you reach for your toolbox." "I'll nip into Causton now, if you like." "Only if it's convenient." "Oh, for God's sake, what do you want?" "I want some of your precious time, Will." "You give HER enough of it." "Are you jealous or something?" "Of Fleur?" "Get the service bloke to fix the machine, will you?" "He charges 40 quid callout." "We can't afford it." "Oh, so now we're poor as well?" "Well, I'm sorry, Muriel," "I can't run the clock back." "You just have to settle for what you've got." "If that's her again, I'll..." "Muriel, Will, great to see you again." "Bad moment?" "Same horse?" "Older and wiser." "How about you two?" "If I'd knew you were coming, Orville," "I'd have got something special in for supper." "Don't you worry about that." "I'll do supper." "Oh, by the way, I've got some friends visiting this week." "Is it all right if I put them up here?" "How many?" "Oh, just one or two." "Good party?" "It was OK." "I'm starving." "Was she out all night?" "Yes, dear." "She's 18." "What's her age got to do with it?" "She still needs a firm hand." "Did somebody speak?" "By the way, Orville's back." "Really, dear?" "Put everything that moves under lock and key." "Especially your daughter." "I almost believed you." "Did you, darling?" ""Orville's back." "Really, dear?" "How could that possibly be of interest to me?"" "Don't mind, Mum." "I don't begrudge you a bit of fun." "Ah, America." "What about America?" "Would now be a good time to discuss the money I need to get there?" "If I didn't know you better, Fleur, I'd say you were blackmailing me." "What is that smell, Joyce?" "It's awful." "What are you dressed up like that for?" "The interview, Dad." "The TV commercial." "Oh, yes, yes." "Every day starts with it, Tom." "It's cabbage soup." "DOORBELL RINGS" "You can have as much as you like." "That's what I was afraid of." "Morning, Gavin." "Wish me luck." "Good luck." "Why?" "Dad will explain." "Meanwhile, it's a fruit day today." "As much as he likes, only no bananas." "I feel as song coming on." "What news from the front?" "Big stuff, sir." "Hector Bridges, the magistrate, he called the chief constable this morning to report a stolen goose." "GEESE CACKLE" "One two, three, four, five, six, seven..." "How many did you say there were again, Mrs Bridges?" "Well, there should be 16." "You haven't got enough fingers." "Here, borrow mine." "Maybe it just flew away, sir." "They can't fly, their wings have been clipped." "No, the bird was stolen, inspector." "By that man over there." "Orville Tudway." "Didicoy, vagrant, traveller, call him what you like, it all boils down to the same thing." "Thief." "Can they walk, sir?" "Thieves?" "Geese." "Well, of course they can walk." "It's an invasion." "It's just a couple of vans." "These people are like rats, Barnaby." "If you can see one, it means there are ten more close by that you can't." "Morning to you, sir." "Troy!" "There you go." "Thanks." "Cheers, Orville." "No, they are not doing any harm!" "Mr Tudway." "Good morning." "Would you be kind enough to tell me..." "And who the hell are you?" "Police, madam, I'm Detective Chief Inspector..." "Well, good, you can throw them off our land." "Hey, you!" "Stop that." "Put them back." "Muriel." "I say they can stay." "And you are?" "Will Saxby." "This is my house, my land, and I said..." "HORN TOOTS Hi!" "..I say they can stay." "Freddy, park it up over there by the fence, mate." "HORN TOOTS" "One or two friends, you said, not one or two dozen." "But I can vouch for them all, Muriel." "They're honest, they're courteous, they're clean." "Now sorry, Inspector, would I be kind enough to what?" "Tell me what you had for dinner last night?" "Are you sure you're a policeman?" "Roast goose." "And very nice it was, too." "Fabulous cook, Orville is." "Roast potatoes, parsnips, a few runner beans." "And my speciality for afters, bread-and-butter pudding." "Hector Bridges has lost a goose." "I say you nicked it." "No." "What then?" "It just sort of flew into my arms and died." "This is not a good day to be cute with me." "One moment, Inspector." "You lot, now cut it out." "Someone's going to get hurt." "Hector Bridges, you may not like him, but..." "Nobody likes him, Inspector, he's the most hated man in the village." "That's why someone tried to kill him, no doubt." "I'm sorry?" "Someone tried to murder him." "Keep your reins down, Charlie, how many times do I have to tell you?" "When was this?" "Six or seven years ago." "I'd have thought you'd have known that." "It was a bit before my time." "(ALL SHOUT)" "Oh, please." "Don't think me unsociable, but when will you be leaving?" "Sunday week." "Inspector!" "Move these people on." "They've no right to be here." "I'm afraid they have, Miss Dinsdale." "They're on private land with the owner's permission." "What about the others, by the church?" "Whose permission have they got?" "Go away." "Did you notice the wife, Troy?" "Muriel?" "Not half bad, sir, given her age." "A lot to say for herself." "Until someone mentioned the attempt on Hector Bridges' life." "Thereafter, silence." "Something else, sir." "Orville nicking that goose." "It was like he was sticking two fingers up at Hector." "Taunting him." "I wonder why?" "Here's another brick in the wall of your education, Troy." "Observe." "Smith!" "Not the Smith clan, I take it." "They're not really all called Smith." "It just makes prosecuting them damn near impossible." "Oh, this is Michael Smith." "Burglary, car theft, and, of course, trespass." "None of it proved, Mr Barnaby." "I was just explaining to my sergeant why that is so." "And this young lady is Rachel Smith, who is Michael Smith's sister." "How are you, Mr Barnaby?" "I'm fine, thank you, Rachel." "Now, I won't beat about the bush." "When are you leaving?" "Sunday week." "Now there's a coincidence." "The very same day Orville Tudway and his friends are leaving." "What's going on?" "Mr Barnaby." "Long time no see." "This is John Smith, a master at deceiving gullible yuppies, so you'd better watch out, Troy." "I traded that car on in all good faith." "A car which used to be two cars." "All in the past, though, eh?" "I'm back now, in the bosom of my family." "So, what do you reckon, Granddad?" "Well, Mr Barnaby hasn't got much to spare, has he?" "As for the boy, a bit kinky." "Kinky, what do mean, kinky?" "Shhh." "Troy." "Now, listen, you lot." "I want no thieving, no fighting, and no dumping of rubbish on England's green and pleasant land." "Is that clear?" "I take that silence to mean "yes"." "What do they mean, kinky?" "I'm not kinky." "What are they up to, Troy?" "Horse trading?" "Big punch-up?" "A bit of thieving?" "With respect, sir, all we came out for was a PR job on Hector Bridges." "I can understand someone wanting to kill him, but to actually have a crack at it is something else." "I think we're on a wild goose chase, sir." "One of us had to say it, Troy, and I guessed it would be you." "Hector Bridges, Troy, was run over seven years ago, rather convincingly." "Much damage to the car?" "They interviewed Peter Fairfax, owns the village shop." "No further action taken." "It is a curious thing." "Bridges was found by his wife, whose name was Muriel." "Same as Mrs Saxby." "Lunch, sir." "I've cut the apples up to make them look like chips." "PHONE RINGS" "Barnaby." "They're still there, Mr Barnaby." "Who's still where, and who are you?" "The travellers by the church." "Tilly Dinsdale." "One of the children threw chewing gum at my car as I drove past." "I thought I asked you to move them on?" "It is common land, Miss Dinsdale." "They have every right to be there." "We'll see about that." "They hit my windscreen." "What did?" "The chewing gum." "And I made the fatal mistake of putting the wiper thingies on." "Blades, dear." "If we're not careful, those oiks are going to pinch our livestock." "Hector will see them off." "No, Tilly." "Hector will only make it worse." "He's that kind of man." "Everything he touches turns to misery." "Am I the only one in this village with any time for him?" "Could well be." "Well, thank you for your advice, Peter, but Hector is an honest man." "And he gets things done." "Hector?" "Tilly Dinsdale." "Got a problem." "Evening, all." "Hello!" "Hi." "How was the interview?" "Fine, thanks, got the job." "You don't seem very pleased about it." "It's a TV commercial, Dad." "For what?" "Tissues." "Oh, good." "Cabbage soup." "PHONE RINGS" "Yes?" "Mr Barnaby, I'm sorry to wake you, but this really is an emergency." "Well, you dial three nines." "What is it?" "It's not that sort of emergency." "It's to do with the travellers at Martyr Warren." "Who is this?" "Hector Bridges is getting some old friends together." "They're coming to the house." "They're going to tow the travellers out of the village." "How many friends?" "I don't know, I'm sorry." "You must stop them." "Wait here." "Old friends, the caller said." "In Hector's case, that must mean army." "A load of squaddies?" "Bloody hell, sir, we need backup." "Don't worry, Troy, Hector is a bully, pure and simple." "All we need to fight him is a bit of brains." "Another brick in the wall of my education, sir?" "I suggest we do it in two stages." "The lot down by the church first, move them north, then come back for Tudway and his friends." "I said we needed backup, sir." "We have, Troy, we've got each other." "DOORBELL RINGS" "One of your men?" "No, no, I told them to stay in the Land Rover." "Good news about your missing goose, Colonel." "May we come in?" "You are aware of the time, Barnaby?" "Well, you're up and about, why shouldn't we be?" "In here, is it?" "No." "Name, rank and number." "This is Major Harry Tomkinson, retired, a friend of mine." "Who too has friends." "Parked up in your drive." "What's going on, Hector?" "Mr Barnaby, what are you doing?" "None of your business." "Go back to bed." "Keen sportsman are you, Colonel?" "Doesn't look very sporting to me, that." "You obviously know what's afoot, Barnaby." "Time for a blind eye, wouldn't you say?" "Not that kind of copper." "I like to poke my nose into everything." "Dangerous game." "Don't you rattle any sabres at me, Major." "I'd like your friends out of this village in five minutes." "If not, I'll summon an armed response unit." "The can be here in 20." "And you can play rounders with them." "Do as he says, Harry." "Who tipped you off, Barnaby?" "They didn't leave their name." "Man or woman?" "Hard to tell these days." "Be it on your head if that scum causes any trouble." "For God's sake, man, you're supposed to be a magistrate." "Don't you lecture me." "All right." "I'll leave that to the Lord Chancellor, to whom this matter will be reported." "And that brings me back to the business of your goose." "I'd say it had been well and truly cooked." "All right, lads." "Gig's off." "In the back." "You just took on a whole platoon, sir." "With your help, Troy, with your help." "Mind you, the armed response unit's only 20 minutes away." "Yeah." "Pity we haven't got one." "Have they gone?" "Yes." "A straight answer, for once." "Did you or did you not tell the police what was going on?" "Don't speak to me like some shoplifter up before the bench." "Loyalty." "It's the one thing I ask of those around me." "And never seem to get!" "I notice you didn't lose your rag in front of that nice Mr Barnaby," "Hector." "I'm not afraid of Barnaby, I assure you." "Well, you should be." "He just caught you red-handed in the act of being a bully." "I'm going to make some tea." "Do you want a cup?" "Bless." "Jenny." "I often think of the fun we used to have together." "At parties, old friends, old comrades descending on us." "Your friends, not mine." "I think we should try and retrieve a little of what we had." "Or call it a day." "Now, I'm willing to give the former serious consideration if...if your are." "I think it's a bit late for all that," "Hector." "Don't you?" "Did they fly into the arms and die, just like the geese did?" "These are Peter Fairfax's best sausages, and, as you know, pigs don't fly." "Talking of which, who called the police last night?" "I did." "Thank you." "My mother's idea, though." "She seems to take a great interest in your welfare, for some reason." "Well, perhaps you'd like to thank her for me, too." "Here, have a sausage." "I've done too many." "When you've done whatever you came here to do, what are you going to do then?" "When I've done whatever I came here to do, what am I going to do?" "Oh, I see what you mean." "I dunno." "You must have some plan, surely." "Kent, probably." "A spot of fruit picking." "It's a lousy job, but all the strawberries you can eat." "And after that, if the weather holds, we might nip across to Ireland." "At which point, it will chuck it down, of course." "What are your plans?" "America, if Hector will cough up." "That's what I call a big if." "It doesn't have to be there." "It could be China, India, the North Pole," "I just want to get away from here." "I remember that feeling." "If Hector doesn't cough up, perhaps I could come with you." "Now, just hang on a second." "Why not?" "I'm tougher than I look." "Well, you may well be tough, that's not the point." "I don't mean specifically with you, I mean with all of you." "I know what you meant." "Well, why not?" "I did you a favour, calling the police." "You may well dislike him, but something of Hector has rubbed off on you, Fleur." "He always kept a little ledger of obligations," "I did this for you so you do that for me." "It's how he lost all his friends." "I'm sorry." "Why can't you join us?" "It's simple." "Because none of us are actually going anywhere, but you should be." "Were all just... ..marking time waiting for fate to step in and change things." "Even you?" "Especially me." "So, what are we going to do today, then?" "Blenheim Palace, I thought." "The butterfly house." "DOORBELL RINGS" "I shall probably eat them, but, yes, terrific." "Mrs B. Morning." "Go away, Troy." "Wish I could, sir." "It's the didicoys." "They've gone berserk." "Berserk?" "Whose word is that?" "Hector Bridges'." "He rang the duty officer." "Oh." "It's a chicken and tomato day by the look of it." "Just when you were getting fond of apples." "Not a punch up, not a horse fair, but a chariot race." "Leave the car." "You want a lift?" "Whoa." "Why didn't you tell me about this?" "You'd have tried to stop it." "I still might." "Start a riot?" "You're not that daft." "We could always summon the armed response unit, sir." "Big race, three o'clock, Inspector." "Put a fiver on us." "I warned you they'd cause trouble, Barnaby." "I was thinking about what you told me, about turning a blind eye." "Doesn't seem such a bad idea, does it?" "Can I quote you on that, Inspector?" "You can carve it in stone, Miss Dinsdale." "I shall still deny it." "You heard from the Lord Chancellor yet?" "You know, Barnaby, I thought you were one of us." "I've watched you in court." "Solid, reliable, commanding respect." "And now here you are, pandering to the dregs." "Don't be so pompous, Hector." "Come along, Tilly." "You and I will not grace this rabble with our presence." "We certainly won't, Hector." "Stay if you must, Felicity, I've got a farm to run." "You run along, dear." "Peter, where have you been?" "£5 on the Smith Team." "A fiver on Mr Mooch, please." "What the hell do you want?" "A letter arrived for me just before Easter." "It was written by an old comrade of ours, John Lampson." "Wrote it just before he died." "Read it." "Don't chuck your weight around in my house, Captain." "Read it!" "LOUDSPEAKER:" "Pay attention to the starting flag." "Ready, set, go." "GUNSHOT" "GUNSHOT" "For God's sake." "MOBILE PHONE RINGS" "Yes?" "Shot once in the chest within the last hour." "3:15, according to the woman who found him, Muriel Saxby." "No weapon?" "Just a box of cartridges." "The wife thinks there may be a gun missing." "Well, you'd better find it." "Why would a man take off his belt just before someone shoots him, huh?" "Tom, is Jenny OK?" "I know her slightly." "Who's Jenny?" "Bridges' wife." "I thought her name was Muriel." "Whatever her name is, sir, she'd like to see you." "Join me?" "No, thank you." "One thing I am not, Inspector, is a humbug." "Whoever shot him has done Fleur and me a favour." "Where is Fleur?" "She's over at the Saxby's." "You wanted to see me?" "Yes." "I think his killer stole a wine cooler." "One item." "Why didn't they take the lot?" "Cos Hector disturbed them." "They shot him and legged it." "What, carrying the heavy wine cooler?" "You or I would have dropped it." "Yeah, but it's 200 years old, and weighs in at 40 grand on the insurance." "You phoned at quarter past three, Mrs Saxby?" "Yes." "I didn't go to the chariot race." "I heard the shot." "As I ran over to the house, I saw a man dash out of the study windows across the lawn." "Carrying a gun?" "Yes." "Anything else?" "Yes, he was carrying something else, something close to his chest." "I can't remember what it was." "And what was he like?" "Um... ..dark clothes, brown hair, tall, young, I'd say." "This is the second time someone's tried to kill Hector Bridges." "You reported it the first time it happened, seven years ago, when you were married to him." "And you, Mr Saxby, were married to Jenny Bridges, which makes you Fleur's father." "It's no secret." "You could ask anyone in the village." "Yeah, I'm just showing off." "And while I'm at it," "Fleur, thank you very much for the tip-off about Hector and his friends the other night." "How do you know it was me?" ""Hector's getting his friends together," you said." ""They're coming to the house."" "Anyone who didn't live in the house would have said "They're going to the house."" "You've been very quiet, Mr Tudway." "Perhaps, like me, you wonder if, amongst all these marital high jinks there's not a motive for murder." "By the way, I'd like you and your people to stay on for a bit." "First you can't wait to get rid of us and then..." "Then someone gets murdered." "Do you own a shotgun?" "Those two remarks are not related, necessarily." "No gun, sir." "And no wine cooler." "Bit neat, isn't it?" "Well, that comes from living in a confined space." "On the other hand, order, tidiness, can be a way of life." "Very nice." "I do believe I have found the link between you and Hector Bridges." "I've been on the lookout for one ever since your most perceptive remarks, Troy." "Which one, sir?" "Nicking the goose." ""It's as if Orville was taunting him," you said." "Army." "That's what you and Hector Bridges have in common." "Well, are you going to tell us more about that, or do we have to get it from the Ministry of Defence?" "For a start, why did you take to the road?" "That story varies depending on who I'm telling it to." "Troy, I'll search the other vans here, you take the Smith mob." "Hang on a minute." "Why do you want us to split up?" "What's the matter?" "It's division of labour." "Oh, I see." "And the moment my back's turned, you won't wolf down that Mars Bar?" "Troy, I am now a police officer investigating a murder." "What Mars Bar?" "The one in the glove compartment, that you thought I hadn't noticed." "Oh, damn." "Where are you going?" "Why, do I need your permission?" "He's just looking out for you, girl, that's all." "Well, there's no need." "Bloke, works in the village shop, taking me to the pictures, OK?" "No, it isn't." "Oi, you lot." "My boss wants you to stay on for a bit." "So he can fit us up for the murder?" "Look, if I had my way, there would be coppers swarming all over you for the next month." "What is the price of silver these days?" "No idea." "I'll bet." "I want to look in your van." "Search warrant?" "She's right." "You should have a search warrant." "I ate it." "Kinky, eh?" "And thick." "Nice colour, though." "Don't you push it, mate." "Step aside." "Hello, Cully." "Oh, hi." "Sore nose?" "Eh?" "Blowing it all day." "The tissue advert." "Oh, sorry, yeah." "A bit." "No dinner for me, thanks, Mum." "OK." "Dad, this murder in Martyr Warren." "If you haven't done so already, you'll come across a bloke called Stefan Miller." "He works in the village shop." "For Peter Fairfax?" "Whoever." "I was at school with him, and I always thought he was a really good bloke." "Except for a year ago he had a spot of bother with Hector Bridges, after which..." "What?" "..after which he swore he'd kill him." "Morning, Inspector." "What can I get you?" "The name of Hector Bridges' killer, if you have it." "I don't stock needles, I'm afraid." "Especially ones with the haystack attached." "You're right." "It could be anyone." "A traveller, one of the punters at the races." "Half the village seems to have borne him a grudge." "Which is where you come in." "What?" "I don't think I follow you." "Village shopkeeper, what you don't know about your neighbours business isn't worth the light." "For example, the Saxby-Bridges marriage-go-round." "Tell me about that." "There's nothing to tell." "It was a straight swap." "What, no losers, no bitterness?" "You know, I'm not really the gossip you take me for." "What about the lad who works for you, Stefan Miller?" "Oh, he's an ordinary young man, he's a bit lazy." "Look - you and I may be destined to have a long and complex relationship," "Mr Fairfax." "Please, don't begin it with a lie." "Well, Stefan, he borrowed a motorbike..." "Stole it, January last year." "Look, if you know, why ask me?" "Hector Bridges sent him down for three months, and when he came out, you took him under your wing?" "You must be mad." "Come on, come on, Troy, be fair." "It was a first offence." "It wasn't as if he'd run over anyone." "Oh, I see." "You're here to dig all that up again, are you?" "I think somebody tried to kill Hector Bridges seven years ago, maybe that same person tried again yesterday and succeeded." "A car like mine was seen travelling the same road." "That was the only evidence against me and no charge was ever brought, as I'm sure you know." "Where will I find Stefan Miller?" "That meek and mild shopkeeper, Troy, had more on his mind than the price of milk." "I still think we should have put the old thumbscrews on the didicoys." "Yeah, I know you do, but there was no sign of a break-in, Detective, no sign of a struggle." "I think he was killed by someone he knew." "Besides which, if I'm wrong, we've got to round up all those people at the chariot race and go head-to-head with 50, 50 travellers." "What about this bloke Muriel saw running away?" "Says she saw running away." "Young, tall, brown-haired, she said." "We'll look round the cottage on our own then, shall we?" "That was an odd thing to do." "Run away like that." "Force of habit." "When you see a police officer?" "I'm also Cully's father." "She says that you're a really good bloke, even though you swore to your friends that you'd "get" Hector Bridges." "Yesterday, he was well and truly "got"." "Good riddance." "Not by me, though." "You had good cause." "He gave you three months for a minor crime." "You lost your job because of it." "Trouble is, we've got a description of someone running away from the scene, and that could so easily be you." "It could even be your visitor." "What visitor?" "This visitor." "Why does no-one want to talk to us?" "The can't all have murdered Hector Bridges." "Nice place." "Needs a sweep, of course." "Where is she?" "Where's who?" "I'm warning you, you stay away from her or you'll live to regret it." "Just a minute." "Stay out of this, copper." "The pair of you!" "What is your problem?" "I am, Mr Barnaby." "Come on, Rachel, work to do." "These are not our sort of people, Rachel." "What, are they too good for us, or not good enough?" "Just different." "He's different to you, all right." "Plus you left us with all the work, girl." "Work?" "What sort of work?" "That's our business." "Michael, someone was murdered in the village yesterday." "That's nothing to do with us." "And at that point, everything became my business, so, what work?" "We do paths, tarmac." "Our card, guv'nor, Smith Surfaces." "Michael is managing director, I am a major investor." "You bought the shovel, did you?" "Where do you figure in all this, Rachel?" "Good worker is this girl, one of our best." "One of our only." "Talk to you later, Stef." "You will not." "Michael." "Michael, get off." "John." "John?" "Keep Michael away from here, and don't come here yourself." "Understood?" "Stefan, the Smiths." "They're dangerous people to cross." "You and Rachel?" "They won't stand for it." "All right we'll let you start, even though you did get an N." "Fancy a game, Tilly?" "Oh, thanks all the same, no, it's been a long day." "The piggies all right, dear?" "Fine." "Tilly?" "I do know how you felt about Hector." "I am sorry." "Oh, yes, me too, dear." "Thank you, Peter." "I shall miss him." "What's the Y go in front of?" "That's better." "So was there ever any, you know, romance, between Hector and Tilly?" "Five vowels." "Or you?" "Her thingy, you mean?" "Good heavens no, I wouldn't have allowed it." "You smile, dear, because, like everyone else, you see Tilly as my guardian." "It's really the other way around." "30." "Come on, Filly, darling, can't be all night." "So, you would have stepped in, would you?" "Broken it up?" "I would have done anything." "Now someone has spared me the task." "I wonder if we know them?" "Hector's killer?" "I'm sure we do." "The point is, how well?" "Anyone in mind, my dear?" "Besides me, that is." "Yes." "I think that nice Mr Barnaby killed him." "I just can't prove it." "14." "Pathetic." "GATE SQUEAKS AND BANGS" "What are you doing?" "Don't you hear it?" "What, dear?" "The gates to the pigsty." "I think we're being rustled." "Come on, give me a hand." "Hurry up." "Wait up." "Hurry up, can't you?" "Did you see?" "I didn't see anything." "Shoes." "Stop making a meal of it." "Where are they?" "Peter." "Let them have it." "Gotcha." "GUNSHOT" "Got him!" "Come on." "Good morning, Cully." "Hi, Gavin." "Mrs B. Morning." "Good morning, sir." "Today is raw vegetable day, Troy, so if you're going to crack any jokes, do so now." "Get it over with." "Dad, it's not his fault you're on a diet." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Low blood sugar." "Cheer me up, Troy, with something I can use against Peter Fairfax." "That nice shopkeeper from Martyr Warren?" "Do you know him?" "Yes." "He took over when Mrs Bates died." "Must be seven years ago, now." "That's when Hector was run over." "I should be hearing this from you, Troy, not from my wife." "I've been banging my head against the Ministry of Defence, sir." "Hector Bridges and Orville both served in the Falklands, after which Orville resigned his commission." "Grew his hair and took to the road, eh?" "Disenchantment, or an offer he couldn't refuse?" "Kicked out, more like." "Get back to it." "Get details." "what do you think is our main stumbling block then, Troy?" "Too many people glad to see the back of Hector Bridges." "Right." "No-one dishing the dirt on his enemies." "MOBILE PHONE RINGS" "Yep?" "Yes, Miss Dinsdale, we're on our way." "This may come as a surprise to you, Miss Dinsdale, and to you, Miss Dinsdale, but you are not allowed to shoot people." "Even if they're stealing from you?" "Even if they're stealing from you." "Where's the gun?" "Peter put it back in the rack, dear." "Peter?" "Who he?" "Peter Fairfax." "Filly's gentlemen caller, as it were." "He thingied one of them, I'm sure of it." "Winged him, dear." "How many shots did he fire?" "Four." "Tilly, would you kindly show my sergeant exactly where it happened?" "I want all four cartridge cases, please, Troy." "Who's the Scrabble fiend, then?" "Peter and me." "Your sister seems to have been quite a fan of Hector Bridges." "Fancied him like mad when we were younger, but I'm afraid he only had eyes for me." "He was an incredibly handsome man." "Who, Hector Bridges?" "Yeah." "But it cut no ice with you?" "Certainly not." "Hector was a bully, and in my humble opinion, shooting was too good for him." "I mean it, Inspector." "There was something of the night about Hector it might pay you to examine." "What does he want them for, Sergeant?" "To be honest, Miss Dinsdale, I'm not quite sure." "Check these with the one we found at Hector's." "You think it came from this gun?" "On a chilly night, Troy, Peter Fairfax gets his cocoa here." "And more." "Oh, you mean, they're at it?" "I didn't enquire, Troy." "But you heard what they said." "He went straight to the cupboard, took the gun out." "No qualms about using it." "So?" "So, what if he borrowed it last week and shot Hector Bridges with it?" "Where's Will Saxby work?" "He's head forester at Causton Woods." "Sir." "I told them to stay away from Stefan's." "You want to go back?" "No." "I thought we should have a quiet word." "About what?" "Rachel." "Can I come in?" "Yeah, sure." "They're all looking at you, Troy." "Thinking "how the hell did he manage that?"" "As, indeed, am I." "If my daughter had been abused by a Hector Bridges," "I might have wanted to kill him." "It would be a strange man who didn't." "How did you find out?" "In every village, Mr Saxby, there's always someone who knows all your business." "When did it start?" "Fleur told me about it four years ago when she was 14." "So, if I killed him because of that, it makes me very slow to anger." "Well, maybe you were waiting for an opportunity." "Intuitive woman, your wife." "Senses you're in trouble, and comes a-running." "Anything wrong?" "I was asking him if he killed Hector Bridges." "What?" "Men, fathers, will do anything to avenge their daughters." "And wives to protect their husbands." "You're shielding him, aren't you?" "That story about the boy running away." "He knows about the Hector/Fleur business." "Did either of you confront him about it?" "Yes." "He denied it." "And you thought changing partners would be a doddle." "Still, like everybody else, you're not sorry that Hector Bridges is dead." "To be honest, Inspector, we feel a sense of relief." "Things will change now." "They certainly will, especially if one of you goes to prison." "Sooner rather than later." "Yes." "Bye." "Orville." "Roast pork." "Was that on the menu last night?" "What?" "A spot of pig rustling down at Tapping farm." "Only the pig got away." "I don't know what you're talking about, Inspector." "All right, all right, I'll change the subject." "The Falkland Islands." "You were there with Hector." "Absolutely." "Tell me more." "We're bound to find out about it eventually." "From the MoD?" "Blood out of a stone." "If you're not careful, sir, he'll do a runner." "I don't think he will." "He's got other things on his mind." "It's biodegradable." "Hello!" "Mrs Bridges?" "Dining room." "Oh, we're making an inventory for probate." "I'm sorry to barge in." "That's quite all right." "What can I do for you?" "I'd like a word with Fleur, if I may, please?" "I hear you're going to America, Fleur." "I'm going to New York to stay with my aunt." "Who told you?" "Your father." "He was worrying about it, that he couldn't finance you, and Hector wouldn't." "Yes, so I killed him and we all lived happily ever after." "He was more worried about your safety." "You know, young woman alone " "Well, he needn't be." "Oh, I can see that now." "Maybe he thought Hector Bridges had broken your spirit, doing what he did to you." "Yes, that's all in the past." "Oh, no, no, lives on, this stuff." "Believe me, we hear about it every day." "And those who were abused, sometimes themselves become abusers." "That is a dreadful thing to say." "No, it's the truth." "Not that it applies to Fleur, though." "Because Hector never touched you, did he?" "Why did you say he did?" "To punish him for ousting your father?" "Or did you plan to tap into him for something you wanted?" "Nope, nope." "Who benefits from Hector's will, Mrs Bridges?" "Muriel gets a third, which bugs me a little, but I'll manage on the rest." "So now you can afford to send Fleur to America." "You going to stay here?" "Yes." "It was Hector I didn't like very much, not his house." "Well, at least she's honest, sir." "Honesty can be as big a smoke screen as deceit, Troy." "Another brick." "Will I be able to see over this wall by the time it's finished?" "Of course you will." "Education makes you taller." "I think Jenny Bridges was expecting us." "What does that tell you?" "Phone call from Will Saxby?" "There's a thought." "What if the Saxbys and Jenny are in this together, eh?" "Well, you'd have to lay off Peter Fairfax, sir." "In spite of her honesty, she did tell one lie." "That young lad in the drawing room, making the inventory." "Solicitor's clerk, at a guess." "No, no, he wasn't." "He was the son part of Holdane and Son, estate agents and auctioneers." "She's selling up and moving on." "MOBILE PHONE RINGS" "Sudden decision or part of a long term plan?" "Troy?" "Mmm-hmm." "OK, thanks." "There's a mammoth fax back at the office, sir." "Kent CID." "They've dug up something on your friend Fairfax." "What we did not put into this equation was Barnaby." "And the fact that he might have a brain." "Do you think he knows what happened?" "Well, why else does he keep coming back?" "More questions, more subtle intimidation." "He doesn't come to us, Jenny, it must be something you're doing." "Does it matter who's to blame?" "Oh, well, of course not, but she never misses a chance to score points." "Just as you're always the one to spoil things." "Oh, I don't think that's fair, love." "Who was the driving force behind our well sniggered-at change of partners?" "You?" "That'll be the day." "This isn't the time or the place." "At least Hector could be fun." "Thank you." "Fun?" "Hector?" "Yes, he was, until you and your wretched daughter took him over." "He was also a dangerous man, which is why we're all stuck in the same boat with that bloody copper getting nearer and nearer." "Good God, Will, you nearly came alive then." "Out of desperation." "We've got to do something." "Any ideas?" "Well, I've got one." "But it needs putting into practice now." "And I mean right now." "Mr Fairfax." "Kent CID said you lived with a Catherine Hamilton for ten years." "She died in a car crash near Dover seven years ago." "The driver of that car was Hector Bridges." "He was stone cold sober, according to the inquest." "But you knew otherwise?" "So you moved down here?" "Began just by visiting for the odd day." "Suppose he'd recognised you?" "No, I hadn't been at the inquest, I was too upset, and Kate and I weren't married, so he didn't recognise the surname." "So, with all this in your favour, you set about trying to kill him." "I can imagine someone in my position wanting to do that, yes." "Oh, this is where you become hypothetical, is it?" "Why didn't that someone have another go at Hector Bridges later on?" "Perhaps, like me, he met someone who rebuilt his life." "Felicity Dinsdale?" "Who owns a gun, with which you are all too familiar." "I didn't kill him, Inspector." "Ask Felicity." "I was with her all afternoon on Saturday." "Well, she wouldn't lie for you?" "No, please." "Please, don't touch them." "Why not?" "Kate's ashes." "I buried them there." "That probably is a crime." "Hallowed ground and all that." "Sir?" "You want to keep that one for yourself." "You won't shut me up with a load of horse meat, Mickey." "Well then, what can I do to put a smile on your face?" "You can make sure I don't end up dead at 40, worn through to the bone slaving my bloody guts out for you." "Oh, this Stefan, he's a big provider, is he?" "Why don't you let me go and we'll all find out?" "Michael, I am busting a gut trying to keep this murder out of your court." "And how do you repay me?" "With a bit of pig poaching." "We're vegetarians." "Oh, you weren't down there at Tapping Farm, three of you, with a pair of boltcutters last night, then?" "Not us, Mr Barnaby." "Where is he?" "Where's your grandfather?" "In his van, probably." "He's a vegetarian, too." "What do you want him for?" "John." "I want to know why he called on Stefan Miller when I told him not to." "John!" "John?" "Are you there?" "Get an ambulance." "What's wrong?" "What's happened?" "Don't touch him, don't touch anything in here." "Yeah, we need an ambulance straight away." "Is he OK?" "No, he's not." "He's killed him." "Not much of a mystery, Tom, from my point of view, anyway." "He's fallen backwards, been pushed, I reckon, and hit his head on the corner of the basin." "How long's he been dead?" "Two hours maximum." "Put up quite a struggle before he went, by the look of it." "Here." "Thanks." "Tom, are you putting on weight?" "Only I can recommend a very good diet." "Cath lost 20 pounds in three weeks." "Come and see me." "It's the light in here, sir." "Take a look at these." "Look at the workmanship." "The patience that went into making that, eh?" "Strange hobby for a man, Troy." "But it does explain me with none to spare and yours being a bit kinky." "It's made of human hair." "Right, you carry on here." "I'll get him to a mortuary." "Sir!" "What?" "I swear to God it wasn't here last time I searched." "We advance, Troy." "Rachel." "Where's your brother?" "He was here a minute ago." "He said something when he saw your grandfather's body." ""He's killed him," he said." "Who did he mean?" "Stefan, I expect." "Troy." "Whoa!" "Easy!" "I'll put this down to your grief for the moment." "What the hell is wrong with him?" "His grandfather's just been murdered." "Oh my God." "And he thinks you did it." "He came here to tell you to stay away from her." "He came to tell me he didn't want Rachel lugging tarmac the rest of her life, and what was I going to do about it?" "OK, Stefan, this is not just about nicking a motorbike." "This is about a murder." "You were seen running away from the Bridges' house." "I can't have been." "I wasn't there." "And like everyone else, you believed the travellers would be blamed." "And this afternoon, you planted the wine cooler in one of the vans to help things along a bit." "Look, I've been in the shop all afternoon." "Ask Peter." "Who, then?" "Michael, go back to the camp and wait." "Come on." "I'm all he's got left." "DOORBELL RINGS" "Stefan Miller says that you can give him an alibi." "He was in the shop all afternoon." "Yes, that's true." "But you weren't." "We found you in the graveyard, a hop, skip and a jump away from John Smith's caravan." "And you are going to get me for something." "How long were you away from the shop?" "I don't know." "About 40 minutes." "Look, are you investigating these murders, Inspector, or a car accident seven years ago?" "Well, you prove to me they were not linked." "After a gap of seven years?" "How can they be?" "There's an old saying." "Beware the wrath of a patient man." "Oh, yes, I must remember that." "You know, the sadness of all this for me is that I might have been able to help you, if I'd followed my instinct." "How's that?" "Well, when I heard the shot, I though, shall I pop over?" "It clearly came from Hector's." "I could have spotted the killer." "But, no, I thought, it's something to do with that absurd race." "The race was over by the time he was killed." "No, it was just beginning." "I heard the crowd roar, and a moment later, bang!" "Mr Saxby." "Mrs Saxby." "Hector Bridges was shot at three o'clock." "You said you heard it at 3.15." "I think you've been lying to me." "I must have been mistaken." "You ran across to the Bridges' house." "That takes three minutes." "Where is he?" "He's in the study." "Another minute." "Is he alive, is he dead?" "A phone call." "Another minute." "That's five minutes at most." "Where are the other ten minutes?" "I don't know." "I panicked." "And did you panic when you reported that car accident, seven years ago?" "What's that supposed to mean?" "It means it's odd that your wife was present on both occasions." "Right, you've got the rest of the day to recall these missing ten minutes." "And it had better be good." "You know another thing that's been nagging away at me, Troy?" "The word taunting." "As in my perceptive remark, sir?" "Yeah." "Who, apart from the MoD, who don't want to talk to us, would know why" "Orville was taunting Hector." "His old army pals, sir?" "Pick one, any one, at random." "We'll pay him a visit tomorrow." "OK, relax." "Lean back, Charlie." "Lean back, Charlie." "That's it." "Everybody I know lives on the edge of a page." "This Major Lampson is no exception." "Lampson?" "That's a long way to go on the off chance." "Phone him up first." "Dad!" "Aren't you forgetting something?" "Hello." "Could I speak Major Lampson, please?" "Oh, good, it's banana day." "Just a sec." "It's Mrs Lampson." "She'd like a word." "Hello." "Mr Tudway!" "You bellowed, Inspector?" "We've been talking to an army widow, Ellen Lampson." "Need I say more?" "No, but I'm sure you will." "I thought this murder was a many-layered thing, but it's dead simple." "You shot Hector Bridges because of something that happened 15 years ago in the Falklands." "I did not shoot Hector Bridges." "I wanted him alive." "That makes you almost unique." "Do you mind telling us why?" "Bearing in mind that I already know." "17th April 1982, Hector Bridges sent me up a hill with just eight men." "There were 12 Argentineans, he said, firing down on us." "So, come nightfall, off I went." "But there weren't 12 up there." "There were 30." "And when I came down that hill, I had four wounded and three men dead." "Is that why you took to the road?" "And then, just before he died, John Lampson wrote to me, care of the village shop here." "Hector Bridges had known the enemy strength all along." "He should have waited for reinforcements, but, no, he wanted to press on, take somewhere else, become a hero." "So he got the medal, you carried the can?" "That's motive enough to kill him." "I took John's letter, I took a copy of it, to show to Hector the day of the race." "He'd been drinking." "What the hell do you want?" "A letter arrived for me just before Easter." "From one old comrade of ours, John Lampson." "He wrote it just before he died." "Read it." "Don't chuck your weight around in my house, Captain." "Read it!" "All right." "What do you want?" "I want you to admit what you did." "Publicly." "How old-fashioned of you." "I've blamed myself for 15 years for those deaths." "Now it's time to blame you." "And who do you think they'll believe?" "Me, here, in the big house, or you, out there, living in a horse-drawn cart?" "While all this was going on, where you aware of anyone outside in the hall?" "Listening at the door?" "Was there someone?" "At a rough guess, whoever killed him." "Right, you can go, all of you." "Leave." "HORSE WHINNIES" "You mean, you believe me?" "I do." "Bye." "See you at Glastonbury." "Why isn't he going?" "Handsome fellow, Orville Tudway, don't you think?" "In some lights." "Educated, charming, witty, original and not a woman in sight." "Or perhaps there is one and we just can't see her." "He could be a daisy, sir." "It's unlikely." "There's something I want to put to the test." "It will require a little self-sacrifice from one of us." "Thank you so much for the offer." "Follow me." "Orville Tudway." "I want to see what he does when my back is turned." "What are you going to be doing, sir?" "Telling the Smiths they can go." "Fair enough." "Uh, no snacking." "Troy, a little faith in me wouldn't do you any harm." "CAR HORN HONKS" "What's up?" "Nothing." "Call me." "CAR HORN HONKS" "ALL:" "Bye!" "Bye!" "GEESE CACKLE" "Afternoon, Miss Dinsdale." "Is your sister about?" "She's making tea, Inspector." "Tell her I'll be in shortly." "(GROANS)" "(SIGHS)" "I wonder if you care for a slice of this, Inspector?" "Yes, yes, please." "I would, please." "It's a brand-new line." "Evidently." "Oooh." "Just...just a slither." "And why did you want to see me?" "When I asked you about Hector Bridges..." "This is lovely." "When I asked you about Hector you said there was something of the night about him, that he had a dark side, that it would pay me to explore, that he was given to abuse." "Is that true?" "Especially after a few drinks." "Now, I don't want to pressure you for uncomfortable details..." "MOBILE PHONE RINGS Excuse me." "Barnaby." "Sir, there's nothing happening." "Perhaps... (CHEWS)" "Perhaps we should make something happen." "What are you eating?" "Banana." "MOBILE PHONE KEY BLEEPS" "Now, where was I?" "You were about to press me for uncomfortable details, Inspector." "Oh, yes." "Abuse." "KNOCKS ON DOOR" "Come in." "Please, take a seat." "Now, Mrs Saxby, missing ten minutes?" "I've nothing more to say, Inspector." "I believe you heard the shot and you went over there just as you said." "Which means she didn't kill him." "Ah, but you met whoever did." "I imagine he was in quite a state, so what did you do?" "Calm him down?" "Give him a story?" "And then you took the wine cooler." "Described to me a young man who was never there making off with it and then you took the shotgun, which no doubt you disposed of." "How am I doing so far?" "If I'm to answer any more questions I'd like a solicitor to be present." "Very wise." "When are you off to New York, Fleur?" "I'm not going to New York anymore." "I'm going to Milan instead." "Oh, Milan." "When?" "Tomorrow." "I have a cousin there." "Works for the British Council." "Well, have a pleasant trip." "Well, thank you." "Thank you very much for coming in." "Is that all?" "Yes, yes." "I didn't really want to see you." "I just wanted to get you away from the house." "TELEPHONE RINGS" "Hello?" "You do realise we're alone, don't you?" "I know, but should we risk it?" "Who's to see us?" "Hey, Troy." "Troy!" "Whoops." "Sorry." "Troy, what the hell is going on?" "You were right, sir, there was a woman in his life." "Jenny Bridges." "So what?" "With a daughter grown-up and off to New York," "Jenny could finally run off with him." "She didn't have to kill anyone to run off with Orville." "She needed Hector's money, sir." "Well, she could've divorced him and got most of it." "Sir, just listen to me." "She admits to killing Hector Bridges." "Well done, Troy." "Shall I charge her, sir?" "No, put her in the cell overnight." "We'll charge her in the morning." "What's the verdict?" "You've done it." "Congratulations." "TELEVISON BLARES IN BACKGROUND" "Does that mean I can go back to eating normally?" "Canteen lunches every day?" "No." "Cully!" "Pass the chef the Thai takeaway." "He's marvellous." "Honestly, what that man can do..." "Cully, you're on TV!" "Joyce, turn it up." "Turn it up." "He can turn the simplest of foods into a feast for you to serve to your friends." "And you'll find them saying, "how on earth does she do it?"" "But there's a snag - Pat doesn't do desserts, but Carter Beauman do." "They've been making gateaux like these for over 50 years." "You should try the latest." "I thought it was about tissues." "Fantastica." "That isn't just what I think of it." "That's what it's called." "Fantastica from Carter Beauman." "While I've been eating cabbage soup, you are stuffing your face with chocolate gateau?" "What sort of daughter are you, eh?" "I didn't have the heart to tell you." "If it's any consolation, they taste awful." "I wouldn't say that, Cully." "Pardon?" "Hello, Claire." "Book an alarm call, please, for 4am tomorrow morning." "Thank you." "There you go." "What are you doing here?" "It's 6:10am, is that too early for you?" "No." "Please." "Now, can I get this straight - you told Sergeant Troy that you wanted to run off with Orville, you wanted Hector's money and so you killed him?" "Yes." "(CHUCKLES)" "The thing about a confession is that it really should be true." "You didn't kill him for money or for freedom." "You could've divorced him, got both." "One doesn't consider that in the heat of the moment." "Ah, the old hot moment, eh?" "What so fired you up, then, to the point of killing your husband?" "You seem so icy, so cool." "I'll tell you one thing that did happen, you had a row with Hector." "You hear any of that, Jenny?" "Yes, I did." "Well, tell me what was said." "Well, I can't remember verbatim." "Is it important, Inspector?" "It's vital." "Because whatever was said, made her take a shotgun to her husband." "Why don't you remind her, Orville?" "A fine thing to do to an old comrade, screwing his wife." "What?" "!" "Oh, close your mouth for God's sake." "Do you think I haven't noticed?" "Why don't you do us both a favour, take the slag and run." "It's what you were planning to do." "And while you're about it, take the bloody daughter as well." "Conniving grasping little tart." "You've said enough." "You know, she reckons she's going to New York on my money!" "Is there anything more laughable?" "The stupid woman." "Typical stupid man." "So you picked up the gun and shot him." "You're standing there, it's already loaded, up it goes and bang!" "No, no." "I don't buy that." "That's exactly how it was." "I don't see you taking offence at a few insults." "It wasn't what he said about me." "And I don't see you behind the door either." "Poor Sergeant Troy, he's arrested the wrong person." "It's 6:15." "And now I'll tell you what I do see." "I see Will Saxby, Muriel and Orville in cahoots with you, protecting whoever was behind that door." "And I see you here now confessing to a crime you didn't commit." "And I ask myself," ""would I take the blame for my daughter?"" "And what's the answer?" "Yes, I would." "That's why you sent her away, isn't it?" "It was going to be to the States but that would take time to arrange visas" "all you need is a ticket and off you go." "6:20, her flight." "FOOTSTEPS APPROACH" "Yes." "Oh!" "Mum, what's going to happen to me?" "I'm sorry I didn't believe that you'd been abused by Hector Bridges." "I made the classic mistake that abuse can only mean one thing - sexual abuse." "And you weren't a victim of that." "Good old-fashioned brutality never crossed my mind." "When we spoke of it up in the woods, you didn't correct me, did you?" "In case the belt we'd found beside Hector led me back to Fleur and to the fact that he was about to beat the hell out of her with it." "The only thing I don't understand is why." "I heard the argument with Orville and what he said about me." ""A stupid woman."" "That he wasn't going to pay for me to go to America to get away from him." "DOOR SLAMS SHUT" "If you listen through keyholes, you'll hear things you don't like." "And things you can use." "If he doesn't do something with that letter I will." "(LAUGHS)" "How come everybody in this village hates you?" "Do they?" "Peter Fairfax tried to kill you over what you did to his girlfriend." "Stefan Miller, you put away for some petty crime." "And Muriel, what did she ever do but put up with you thumping her?" "Often for less reason than you're giving me now." "And Jenny, do you knock her around just to keep your hand in?" "All these people will help me." "Yes, come on, Hector." "Give me a real beating." "Show me what a man you are." "Orville may be a traveller, but he's head and shoulders above you!" "(SOBS)" "Fleur." "Fleur." "Look at me." "I will do everything that I can to help you." "I promise." "But I can't help you with the death of John Smith." "(SOBS)" "You won't have to, Inspector." "The wine cooler, was that one of your cack-handed ideas?" "I thought they were all in our paddock trading horses." "John Smith wasn't." "He was in his caravan napping." "He went for me, we struggled, he fell." "You killed him." "(SOBS)" "And if they hadn't swapped partners, none of this would have happened?" "Right." "I'm dreading this, you know." "That's what you said last time." "Hi." "We were looking at a pair of chinos a couple of weeks ago." "I remember." "We didn't have them in the gentlemen's size." "You will now." "I'm afraid we only have the one colour left, madam." "Do I look like a red-trouser man to you?" "Meaning no offence, sir, you're more the cavalry-twill sort." "You got up my nose last time I was in here." "Dad, lunch." "Carlos's, Temple Street?" "And I remember sir comparing us unfavourably to Marks and Spencer." "The day you can offer as much choice..." "He's doing coq au vin with bread and butter pudding." "Closed Captions By CSI"