"Fall in!" "At ease." "At ease." "You do not need to repeat my commands, private." "I know, Sergeant." "Just a backup thing, in case someone didn't hear." " He's four inches away." " How far away is your mind?" "Sorry, Sergeant Hill." "How are you gonna test our valor today?" "Are we going to mow a lawn, perhaps?" "Move a couch?" "What if I told you we are assembling a weapon to take on an aerial threat?" " I would not believe you." " Nor should you." "Because we are building a scarecrow to keep seagulls out of the dumpsters." "How is this my job now?" "Can't we just close the lids?" "That's not gonna work, Sergeant Hill." " Those gulls are really terrifying." " I heard they stole a baby." "Raised it as one of their own." "Taught that little baby the ways of the gull..." " Culture, customs, art." " That is garbage." "And you get to decide whose culture is valid?" "Sergeant Hill!" "Sergeant Major wants us in his office ASAP." "Up." "Down." "Up." " Down." " You know what?" "Drop and give me 20." "Count 'em out." "Way too excited in three, two... 20 pushups!" "Move!" "Legs out, abs tight so as to more seriously engage your core!" "Just shut up and count 'em out!" " Begin!" " How did you get all the good soldiers?" "It's not the soldiers." "It's the leader." "(Laughs)" "You know, I was watching your old formation." "Oh, yeah?" " Mm-hmm." " How'd I look?" "From this side, I usually get "battle strong,"" "but by the time they get over to this side, they want to know how I look in a tux." "Hint..." "Fantastic." "You might want to try an approach that works for me, called "giving a crap."" " You're giving me leadership advice?" " Mm-hmm." "I have leadership medals, leadership plaques." "There was a pack of wild dogs in kabul that only answered to me." "Oh." "I would hate to be you right now, with the shame you must be feeling." " Mm-hmm." " Mmm." "Two, three..." "Derrick, stop texting!" "And, Chubowski, wake up!" "I'm good." "The army is filled with troops on heroic missions, and then there's us." "We take care of things at home." "We are the Rear Detachment." "Yes, we're soldiers." "Enlisted" " S01E07 Parade Duty" "Now, we have one of our most important missions this Saturday..." "The seacord town parade." "Oh, my God!" "Is it already time for the parade?" " Seriously?" " Shut up." "Parades are a crucial Rear D activity." "When our families see a well-trained platoon march by, it reminds them of their soldiers overseas and it fills them with pride." "Wow." "We get to do that?" "Jill does." " You sweep up." " Wait, what?" "Your unit's on cleanup detail." "Sweeping trash, shoveling excrement and whatnot." " You gotta be kidding me." " Did I mention there were horses?" "That's where most of the excrement comes from." "Most of it?" "Why can't my platoon march, and hers shovel "excrement and whatnot"?" " Your platoon, march?" " Yeah." "Oh, what a joke." "(Laughs)" "(Laughs) Good one, Sergeant Major." "He didn't actually make a joke." "Stop sucking up." "Suck up all you want." "It's my honor, Sergeant Major." " Come on." " Anyway..." "I have bigger problems than the both of you." "Your rag-tag Glee Club is going to nationals?" "These are the shifflet brothers." "Their parents own a barbecue restaurant off of route 301." "These hickory-smoked hellions ruined last year's parade." "Threw firecrackers to scare the horses." "Egged poor junior miss seacord." "Her mama made that dress!" "Apple-cheeked monsters with a taste for chaos and nothing to lose." " They look adorable." " Oh, then you're already dead." "And I was like, "you can call me 'the fat Lisa bonet' any time you want."" "Everybody, stop what you're doing and circle up." "Well, we weren't doing anything and we're already in a circle, but... whatever." "Guys, we got a big problem." "For this parade that's coming up," "Cody's got us on freaking cleanup detail." "(All cheering)" "Awesome." "(Cheering, whooping)" "Booyah!" " Score!" " Wait a second." "How is that good news?" " Why would it be bad news?" " You go first." "Well, parades suck." "Parades mean marching, which means marching practice all day" " in the hot Florida sun." " Mmhmm." "It's way better to be on doody duty." "(Snorts)" " It has a nickname?" " Yes, it does." "And it makes Randy laugh every time." "Doody duty." "(Laughs)" "Please stop." "I'm trying so hard." "Even though it's humiliating, it's really just a day off... we just have to show up at the parade for like an hour or two." " Yeah, to shovel poo." " You get to keep what you find." "This detail is rich in treasure." " It's poo." " And whatnot." " I straight-up found a finger." " I found a man-sized bird cage." "He trapped me in it." "We're soldiers!" "We're not garbage-men." "Don't you want to do something that inspires people?" " Absolutely not." " No." " Nope." "Nope." " No." " I got a lot of weight on my chest." " Hey, guys, this is ridiculous." "Sergeant Hill, I swear you're gonna love this." "Last year, Tanisha and I came up with this whole routine." "It's a dance piece, boo-boo." "Routines are for circus clowns." "Five, six, seven, eight." "(Mumbling)" "(Whoops)" " People were laughing so hard." " Yeah, they were laughing at you." "If they're not laughing at you, they're laughing with you." "That doesn't mean anything at all." "Oh, Randy, you forgot the best part." "We get to wear special uniforms." "(Randy laughing)" "Damn!" "I can't even read it." "(Chanting):" "Left." "Left." "Left." "Left, right, left." "* Turn to the left and hold up your hand * * everybody wave to the jealous man *" "Shut up, stupid perfect platoon." "Cody:" "They look nice, don't they?" "Ah!" "Where did you come from?" "Best part about only having one foot?" "You only hear half of me coming." "Now, follow me." "Taking us out to lunch, Sergeant Major?" "I'm having a sit-down with the shifflets on their turf." "You two are just here for backup." " They're kids." " I'm sorry." "What's that magic land you live in where kids aren't dicks?" "Now, look, this parade has got to go off without a hitch." "We're gonna go in there and do some old-fashioned" "Rear D community outreach." "There they are." "Kenny, Denny and Dylan." "Uh, let me just go over my talking points." "I've dealt with Afghani Warlords, okay?" "I think I can handle this." "What's up?" "I'm Sergeant Hill." "Stop." "(Shutters clicking) Stop that." "Fellas." "Knock it off." "Okay, anyway, my intel tells me you're planning on disrupting the parade this year." "I'm here to stop you." "How you gonna do that if you're a kitty cat?" "(Meows)" "That's very funny." "It's a... it's a..." "It's a great app, actually." "Yeah." "Who's junior miss seacord this year?" "'Cause we spent the last month filling water balloons" "(whispers):" "With not water." "He means pee." "So much pee." "You leave that little angel alone." "No." "Listen, fellas..." "Hey, guys." "I'm Jill." "You're hot." "Yes, I am." "And you know what else is hot?" "The new barbecue place across town, grubby's." "Grubby's sucks!" "I hate grubby's!" "You're so hot." "I don't know." "I mean, grubby's has been taking a lot of business from you guys." "They have those new fried pickles." "That doesn't count!" " Pickles are just a side!" " Can I touch your hair?" "This year, instead of wrecking the parade, why don't you use it to remind people that shifflet's has the best barbecue in town." "I'm thinking a big float with "shifflet's"" "painted across the side." "Or..." "We could offer it to Grubby's." "What are you dummies waiting for?" "!" "Go make a float!" "Come on!" "Get out!" "Go!" "Hmm." "Sergeant Perez wins again." "Stick to doody duty, Sergeant kitty cat." "Yeah." "Listen up!" "Karaoke night going old-school!" "* Turkey in the straw *" " Hey!" "Ho!" " * Turkey in the hay *" " * Turkey in the straw *" " Hey!" " * Turkey in the hay *" " Ho!" " * Roll 'em up and twist 'em up *" " Ho!" "* A high tuc-ka-haw *" " Ho!" "Ho!" " Ho." "(Others groaning)" "Come on." "We got to talk, guys." "I want to know where the Turkey ends up." "DJ deer head was spittin' rhymes, dawg." "Ck, ck!" "Come on, Pete, we're off the clock." "Guys, we're not doing cleanup detail." "What?" "What did we do wrong?" "What?" "Why?" "I didn't come back from Afghanistan to follow a horse around with a broom." "Sergeant, I suggest a shovel." "Broom just moves it around." "Come on, guys." "Did you really join the army to pick up garbage?" "Derrick and I joined 'cause we wanted to be just like you." "That's not why I joined." "It is, though, subconsciously." "Nope." "Subtextually." "You have no idea what either of those words mean." " They mean you love Pete." " Help." "Well, Derrick had to join 'cause he got kicked out of three different colleges." "Three different colleges in less than a year." " Says it like you never did anything." " I mean, come on, please." "My point is, you all aspired to something greater." "I joined the army because I wanted to serve my country." "Does that make me a hero?" "No." "Yes." "History will decide that." "And I'll tell you one thing..." "History is leaning yes." "And I'm not the only hero in this room." "I'm standing up here in front of a room full of heroes." "Randy, I don't need you up here." "Guys, this is about your pride." "No, this is about your pride, Peter." "(Others agreeing, oohing)" "We like it in Rear D." "(Others agreeing)" "But you think it's beneath you." "(Others murmuring)" "Would you stop murmuring?" "Continue murmuring!" "(Murmuring continues)" "We like it here, okay?" "We don't "aspire" to something better." "The United States army is giving us a day off, and if that means a couple hours of doody duty..." " (Laughs)" " Then by God," "I, for one, am ready to pay up." "(Others agreeing)" "Randy, you remember when we were little kids and you got all excited about playing the trumpet?" "Yeah." "Why'd you quit?" "Derrick explained how much practice it'd be before I was good and how the trumpet sounds like robot farts." "Isn't that what just happened here?" "Pete's right." "No, he's not." "I aspired to something better and you crushed my dreams." "Dream crusher." "You crushed my dreams, Derrick." "How was that your dream?" "You took trumpet for three weeks." "The best three weeks of my life." "Actually..." "Derrick does have a knack for..." "Making you see the folly in your dreams." "First day at fort McGee, huh?" "How do you like it?" "I love the army, dawg." "If I wasn't here, I'd probably be in jail with my brother, dad and grandma." "Good call." "I mean, in jail, you'd have to wake up super early, always wear the same clothes and do everything some stupid idiot tells you, right?" "At least here, you don't have to see your grandma." "I joined because I want to see the world." "And they sent you here," "(French accent):" "To fort McGee." "You must try the duck à l'orange." "(Gulps)" "I wouldn't even be here if my husband hadn't been so supportive." "He's supportive of you being far away from him." "Marriage, right?" "(Cries)" "I'm gonna learn weapons systems." "No, you're not." "No, I'm not." "Why'd you join up, Chubowski?" "I'm just here to lose those last ten pounds." "Good luck with that, man." "Chili cheese fries?" "They're really good." "You're the author of my obesity." "I am sorry." "Nacho?" "I suppose." "Seems to me Derrick's been crushing all your dreams." "So I say to you, let us reclaim our dreams." "Yes." "Let's march in that parade like real soldiers, not janitors." "Yes!" "Oh, it's not gonna be easy." "No." "We're gonna have to practice our nuts off, but when it gets tough..." "Yeah, get in here." "Get in here." "When it gets tough, you think about the people." "The Rear D families as you march on by." "The little boy waving from the sidewalk." "The veteran slowly brushing away a tear as he offers..." "The slo-mo salute." "The slo-mo salute." "Some say it's just a myth." "Oh, it's no myth, gumble, I can promise you that." "Now, who's with me?" "!" "Yes!" "So let's go!" "(All cheer)" "Let's do it!" "Come on!" "Yep, they're already out of breath." "Chubowski just ran straight into traffic." "(Horn blares)" "If we're gonna march in that parade, it's gotta be perfect." "Port arms!" "Forward march!" "* We are Alpha company *" "* We are Alpha company *" "* We love to do it *" "* We love to do it *" "* Your left, your left * * your other left, your other left. *" "Make an "I" with your hand if it helps." "* Make an "I" with your hand if it helps!" "*" "Chubowski, there's no aiming." "Fine." "You got two choices..." "Get it right or shovel poo." "Forward... march." "Every time you drop your rifle, you owe me ten push-ups." "You can't just be good." "You gotta be parade good." "(Alllamong)" "No." "It's fine." "It's fine." "No aiming." "No reason to aim." "Come on." "This is ridiculous." "Heave." "We all heave." "God!" "(Grunting)" "Pete, I promise I won't drop anything ever!" "I'm so tired." "Get it together, Cindy." "You're not my father!" "Hey, look, come on, Pete, we're never gonna get it." "The parade's tomorrow." "That just means we've got all night, dream crusher." "Right face!" "Forward march!" "♪ We are Alpha company ♪" "♪ We are Alpha company ♪" "(Knocks)" "You're supposed to pick up doody, son, not look like it." "(Boys laugh)" "Sergeant kitty needs a bath." "Hilarious." "Meow." "Really?" "These little rascals came by to show me pictures of their float." "Oops, that's you using the litter box. (Chuckles)" "Oh, here it is." "Congratulations, Sergeant Perez." "You saved the parade." "Aw..." "Sergeant Major Cody, would you come with me?" "We've been practicing all night." "Practicing what, being a butt?" "Shut your damn mouth, Kenny shifflet." "Platoon, attention!" "Port arms!" "Column of twos, march!" "♪ We are Alpha company ♪" "♪ We are Alpha company ♪" "♪ We love to do it ♪" "♪ We love to do it ♪" "Oh!" "Damn!" " (Panting)" " That's just in practice." "Oh!" "You dragged me out of my office to see this." "Gumble!" "Mm-hmm." "They've been up all night." "He got hit by a car." "(Gasps)" "(Groans)" "Wow. (Sighs)" "(Sputtering notes)" "Randy." "Stop." "You just make sure that you troop know the brushy part of the broom goes down." "(Cody and Perez chuckle)" "You made me believe in myself, Sergeant Hill." "How could you!" "Looks like we got ourselves a new dream crusher." "These are actually pretty snazzy, huh?" "Oh, yeah, can't wait to wear it to the club, Sergeant." "At ease." "Carry on." "Change of plans, Sergeant Hill." "You get to ride up front with me." " What?" "Why?" " State senator who was supposed to do it accidentally smoked crack and ended up playing the drums with a "Chuck E. Cheese" band." " Wow." " Florida." "What are you gonna do?" "Anyway, they're looking for a hero, and you fit the bill." "Or you can..." "Do this." "Carry on." "What'd I tell you guys?" "All about Pete." " Well, maybe it should be." " What?" "I mean, yeah, Pete's full of himself and cocky and looks amazing even right when he wakes up, but at least he tried to make us better." "What'd you ever do?" "That's right, the opposite." "Hey, easy." "Hey..." "All right." "Come on." "We were mad at Pete." "Let's stick with that." "You know what?" "Let me save you the trouble." "Yes, I'm petty." "Yes, I'm egotistical." "No, I don't want to shovel poo." " And yeah, I think I'm better than you." " You are better than us." " You know what, just back off, Derrick." " Wait..." "Shut up, 'cause I'm about to say something nice, and frankly," "I'm gonna need a bare minimum of eye contact, okay?" "Okay." "Look, I know I said we all like Rear D the way it is, but that doesn't mean that you should stop trying to make it better." "And even though you failed spectacularly, it was really fun to watch, and completely validated everything I've been saying." "I feel like I could look right at you for this." "Okay." "Look..." "You were over there..." "You were over there." "Put your life on the line, and you deserve to take a crackhead's seat at the front of a stupid parade because..." "You are a hero." "Like, an actual, "no one- can-take-it-away-from-you"..." "Hero." " Thanks, brother." " All right, get out of my face." "(Whooping)" "(Band playing "Over There")" "Left, left..." "Hi!" "What is that slop you're doing with your hand?" "I'm waving." "Be a man." "Wave like a princess." "Hey." "Pay attention." "Sorry." "Got your troops back there, huh?" "Yeah." "When you were deployed, what was the most important thing?" "The glory?" "No." "It was the people serving next to me." "You think that's changed?" "I'll cover you." "Is this a private party, or... can anyone join?" "It's not a party at all, but you can join it." "I mean, it's a party." "It's a different type of party." "There's not invitations or rsv..." "I mean, we can make it a party, and you can be the life of it." "Fall in!" "Port arms!" "Mark time!" "March!" "♪ Rear D's the place for me ♪" "♪ Rear D's the place for me ♪" "♪ Support the post and families ♪" "♪ Support the post and families ♪" "♪ We don't brag and we don't boast ♪" "♪ We don't brag and we don't boast ♪" "♪ We're here when you need us most ♪" "♪ We're here when you need us most ♪" "Forward, platoon, march!" "♪ Left, left ♪" "♪ Left, right ♪" "♪ Sweeping crew ♪" "♪ Left, left, left ♪" "♪ Shoveling poo!" "♪" "(Cheering)" "(Cheering, whistling)" "What are those idiots doing?" "Forward..." "March!" "(Cheering, whistling)" "Front..." "Face!" "Forward..." "March!" "Left, left," "Left, right, left," "Left, left..." "No way." "The slo-mo salute." "Present arms!" "What the hell?" "Keep your crap sauce, Shifflets!" "Just shut up, Tony Grubby." "You're just jealous 'cause we're on a pig float." "And you're whole Grubby family's on the stupid ground!" "Stupid float doesn't even look like a pig!" "That's funny, 'cause we modeled it after your mom." "Ooh...!" "That's it!" "(Shouting, grunting)" "What is happening?" "(Explosion) (People screaming)" "Pig fire!" "Pig fire!" "(Neighing)" "Get the pig away!" "(Woman screams)" "(All gasp)" "My mama made this dress!" "This is your fault." "(Panicked shouts, screams)" "Florida." "What are you gonna do?"