"If you told 12-year-old me that one day I'd be at a fancy New York wedding, making out with James Van Der Beek, while Kevin Sorbo watched," "I'd have to say you were nuts, but nothing surprises me anymore..." "Ohh!" "You bitch!" "(Loud slap) (Gasps) Ohh!" "Not since I met Chloe, the best roommate in the world." "(Woman) ♪ I'm not perfect, I'm no snitch ♪" "♪ but I can tell you ♪" "(Whispers) ♪ she's a... ♪ (Buzzer)" "♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪" "♪ ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪" "(Both laughing)" "That was the worst vodka launch we've been to yet." "(Switches click) (Grunts) I'll say." "What she's having?" "I don't even get it." "It's so that when you order at the bar, you can say," ""I'll have what she's having."" "That makes me very angry." "(Laughs)" "Oh, what are you doing?" "Food." "Eating your lunch for tomorrow." "I love that you're not afraid of cheese." "Okay." "I have to wake up super early tomorrow." "I have to drop off resumes in the financial district and... (Keyboard keys click)" "It's on here!" "It's on here!" "(Gasps)" "(Squeals)" "(Gasps) "James Van Der Beek," ""newest cast member of 'dancing with the stars, '" ""leaving club with dark-haired beauty and self-proclaimed California raisin heiress."" "(Laughing) (Squeals)" "The legend grows!" "Hey, should we show her our routine?" "Ready?" "We made it up in the cab!" "Look, we're zombies." "I used to have a poster of you." "(Horn honks in distance)" "♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪" "I would do if I were her roommate again." "Mm." "I'm not weak." "You're weak." "No." "(Sighs)" "(Door closes)" "(Horn honks in distance)" "Oh, don't bother." "I already ate all the pills from underneath the couch." "(Refrigerator door opens) (Eli) She's been like that all day." "Normally I like a motionless woman on the floor, but I'm getting a sad hit off this one." "It's Crissy and Robert's wedding." "Steven and I were supposed to go as a couple." "We got the "save the date," like, a year ago, before I knew he was diddling nurse Nicole." "Ohh." "Just think, by the time we go to this wedding, we'll be living in New York and we'll already be married." "Hey, Dr. Steven." "Oh." "I have the file you asked for." "Thank you, Nicole." "Will you be at the gym later?" "I have a new sports bra." "(Chuckles)" "You know I like to exercise." "(Chuckles)" "I can't believe how stupid I was." "(Tambourine jangling)" "(Sighs) When we broke up, Steven and I divvied up all the commitments we had as a couple, and I got this wedding, but... (Sighs)" "There's no way I can go." "Why not?" "Because I haven't seen any of our friends since we broke up, and I'm too ashamed to face them, and can you stop with the tambourine, please?" "!" "(Jangles)" "Oh, is my tambo bothering you?" "Sorry." "Just practicing." "My band got a gig." "Okay, if you're gonna let one stupid setback knock you off your easy spirits, you might as well just move home to Indiana." "These shoes are, like, the best thing going on in my life right now." "You need to learn some confidence." "This is New York." "It's not what you do." "It's how you do it." "(Muttering)" "Don't write that down." "(Chloe) June, I'm gonna take you out and teach you how to be badass." "If you have the right attitude, you can do anything and go anywhere." "Now walk up to the front of the line like you have George Clooney between your legs." "What?" "If you're nailing that salt-and-pepper bastard, that means you've made it." "Cover's 20 bucks." "Okay." "To get the bartender's attention, imagine you're getting a drink for George Clooney." "(Mouths words) Too eager." "Too "ordering potato skins at Nifty O'Shannigans."" "There you go." "Now you're getting it." "♪" "And when you're on the dance floor, pretend you're getting up on Jamie Foxx just enough to make Clooney jealous." "(Whispers) Okay." "(Man) ♪ got me in a trance now ♪" "Hold your gaze." "Now switch." "♪ Much longer ♪" "Now switch." "Switch." "Switch." "Switch!" "Switch!" "Switch!" "Mm!" "Nice." "♪ You look good ♪" "♪" "Wow." "Impressive." "Whatever." "Oh, I like it... not accepting the compliment, feigning casualness like you don't care." "Mm." "I don't care, douche." "Okay, that's enough." "I'm sorry." "I'm just so full of adrenaline," "I feel like I could lift a car right now." "(Chuckles and sighs)" "J.V.D.B., what do you think?" "I'm choosing a look for my band's gig." "Does this shirt say that I really bring the funk?" "Mm... yes." "(Door opens) June's home." "(Door closes) Using the third person already, huh?" "James likes it." "(Refrigerator door opens)" "Today was an incredible day." "I got a lead on a job at a brokerage firm, a gay man asked me to be in his shampoo commercial, and a street vendor gave me this hot dog... (Keys jangle)" "For free." "I exude confidence now, and the world can just sense it." "Chloe is a genius." "I-I need to thank her." "Yeah, well, I don't know where she is." "I've been waiting for her for, like, an hour." "(Computer chimes)" "That was my mom, and I didn't answer it." "I've never done that before." "And you know what?" "If she gets upset with me and doesn't send me cookies this week, so be it." "My mother invented lunchables." "Didn't get any credit for it, though." "(Sighs) Trusted the wrong people." "(Horn honks, indistinct conversations)" "(Lock clicks)" "(Laughs)" "Hey, June!" "(Switch clicks)" "I know you hate when I come home drunk and fun and eat tomorrow's lunch." "(Keys jangle) You're in a rut with the tuna, by the way." "(Gasps) I'm home before her?" "That little hooker." "(June laughing) (James speaks indistinctly)" "(Lock clicks)" ""I'm hotka vodka!"" "Oh!" "Hey!" "There she is." "(Door closes)" "The sexy pirate!" "Eyeliner!" "(Laughing)" "What's going on?" "I took her to the vodka launch." "They gave me a magnet!" "You took her to the vodka launch?" "Take a picture of me and the magnet." "I go to those things with you..." "(Camera shutter clicks)" "And come back like that." "That's our thing. (Click)" "Well, I waited for you, but you never showed." "Oh, man." "It's too bad, too." "They had tons of drugs and a baked potato bar... (Chuckles) And then Macaulay Culkin got... (Grunts)" "His face painted like a tiger." "(Laughs) It was awesome." "Well, June's dead." "I hope you're happy." "(Snoring)" "(Door closes)" "(Snoring)" "(Snorts)" "(Grunts)" "Morning." "I'd offer you breakfast, but you didn't make any." "Ohh." "What a night!" "Ohh." "James and I had so much fun." "Mm." "We talked about camping and growing up and s'mores." "Oh, so amish things." "(Sighs) Oh." "I'm sure I'm late for work." "All right." "I'll fill you in on the rest tonight. (Panting)" "What?" "Tonight?" "(Camera shutters clicking) (Man) Are you excited about "dancing with the stars"?" "(Man) Hey, how do you feel about..." "(Speaks indistinctly) (Chuckles)" "(Man) Face me, James!" "(Woman) Think you're the favorite to win "dancing with the stars"?" "Hey, can we get a security guard to stand guard over this guy?" "I don't want any holes cut in his mouth." "Oh, my gosh!" "Look at the size of those shrimp!" "That's amazing!" "All right." "Thank you." "Can you believe how much press showed up for me?" "Even the BBC's here." "Of course, they've loved me ever since I did that Guy Ritchie movie." "(Cockney accent) I told chalky and puff puff and them down at pub about me trouble and strife, and then she come in all hungry-like, make me go down to chip shop, put me Magnum in his mouth," "and right spray his brains." "♪" "Hold these." "(Plates clatter) I'll get more." "Ugh." "I can't believe you invited her." "(Chuckles) What?" "She's fun, and her coloring makes my eyes pop." "(Sighs) I thought it was just gonna be us tonight." "Bringing somebody else in..." "it messes up our dynamic." "Sure, I took her out once, but that was just a one-off, a pity lay." "It wasn't supposed to be, like, a full-time thing." "Hello." "I'm here today to introduce myself to you... (Woman) Whoo!" "Not as an actor, humanitarian, or author, but as a dancer... (Camera shutters clicking)" "So this is just a silly little dance that a friend and I like to do just for fun." "(Squeals)" "(Cheers and applause)" "♪" "What the hell?" "♪" "(Rips)" "♪" "When did you rehearse this?" "We didn't. (Chuckles)" "♪" "(Banging on door)" "Knocking on the door like you're the police!" "I am so sorry." "I tried to shut down the Internet, but it's bigger than me." "Oh, my God." "Mm." "I was in that photo." "(Whispers) I know." "They photoshopped me out!" "I would never let anyone cut you out of a photo with me." "In fact, segue... (Clicks keys) Let me show you some photos" "I cut you into." "Here is the whitewater rafting trip we took last year." "(Click)" "This is us in Belize." "You're wearing a puka shell neck... morning." "Anyone want a bagel?" "Don't eat that." "Eat the brioche French toast with apple butter... (Refrigerator door opens) I'm gonna make you." "Ugh!" "I have to go." "That takes time." "Or..." "(Door closes)" "We could have one of..." "These!" "I am so excited!" "My picture's never been on the Internet before!" "(Closes refrigerator door) Every time you search "June Colbern,"" "it's this woman in Portland who drowned her kids." "Chloe, thank you so much." "(Paper bag rustles)" "You gave me the confidence to go to the wedding today." "That's right." "I decided to go, and James is going to be my plus-one." "But we're going to Derek Jeter's barbecue later today." "I was gonna convince him to leave his girlfriend for, like, 20 minutes." "Look, Chloe, you can't ask me to miss out on a wedding with midwesterners." "It's where my star shines brightest." "It's like my academy awards." "No." "You guys are done hanging out." "No more pictures, no more bagels, and definitely no weddings." "(Clatters)" "Oh, my God." "She's jealous of us." "She's jealous that you and I are friends." "How dare you talk about me like I'm not here?" "!" "Okay, this is the most un-fun threesome" "I've ever been a part of." "Nobody's having sex, and someone's yelling." "I'm outta here." "(Door opens) James and I are going to this wedding..." "(Door closes)" "And I will not be intimidated." "This confidence that you're exhibiting is mine." "I gave it to you, and I'm taking it back." "You can't." "It's in my body now." "I'm New York June." ""Jam on your Blueberry Bel, June?"" ""No, thanks." ""I'll have an everything bagel..." "With schmear."" "Be whiter when you say that!" "(Horns honking in distance)" "(Laughs) So we went to this club." "So cool." "Men and women pee in the same bathroom." "(Crowd murmurs) (Laughs)" "So I'm doing really well here." "(Panting) No freakin' way." "James Van Der Beek is at my wedding." "Excuse me." "Congratulations, crissy." "Shut up." "Dawson just kissed my hand. (Chuckling)" "Obviously, my wife is super excited that you're here." "(Chuckles) Um, you're her freebie." "Ah." "The freebie." "Yes." "The one exception to the marriage vow." "(Chuckles) Yeah." "The greatest responsibility that comes with being a celebrity." "(Chuckles) Uh, my freebie is Peri Gilpin." "Uh, you know, uh, Roz from "Frasier."" "She's so dry." "(Breathes heavily)" "(Crissy) Ha ha!" "(Crissy and Robert chuckle)" "♪" "Ooh!" "Bar." "Don't mind if I do." "♪" "(Amplified voice) Thank you." "We are may/december!" "Eli, what are you doing here?" "This is my gig." "What do you think?" "It's great." "You're actually kind of a normal person outside of your apartment." "I'm layered, June, like an onion, a sexy, sexy onion." "(Tambourine jangles) Do you like the word "bulbous"?" "(Bass and drum playing)" "What are you doing here, and why are you here with Kevin Sorbo?" "I only arrive at events with celebrities." "I like to make an entrance, and since you took the one I usually use, Hercules stepped in." "When do I give my speech?" "Um, after dinner." "What speech?" "Oh, I'm the keynote speaker at this benefit." "Chloe set it up through my publicist." "You see, I'm really involved in the fight against M.S." "Uh, here." "It's my aunt Bonnie." "I'll be sharing her story with you later tonight." "Okay." ""A," you were not invited to this wedding," ""B," you totally conned Kevin Sorbo, and "C," I have a life that happens to include a friendship with James." "What are you smiling at?" "(Steven) June?" "(Door closes)" "What are you doing here?" "I-I called this morning to give you the heads-up." "Didn't Chloe tell you?" "(Rings and beeps)" "Hello?" "Chloe, it's Steven." "June's ex-fiance." "You and I had sex on her birthday cake." "It was chocolate." "Oh, hey." "What's up?" "Well, is June there?" "No, she's in the shower getting ready for the wedding." "So annoying." "I know June got the wedding after the breakup, but, uh, I'm in New York, and I decided to go, so could you let her know?" "I could." "I said, "I could." I didn't say I would." "Semantics." "Go." "(Indistinct conversations)" "I'm so glad you decided to come, Steven." "You look great." "So you're okay with me being here?" "(Chuckles)" "You're not gonna freak out?" "(Laughs) Oh, Steven." "When did you get so funny?" "(Chuckles)" "What?" "No, it's not funny." "It's hurtful." "Speaking of, Steven, how is your penis since the last time I saw it?" "(Chuckles) Chloe, I'm sure you don't remember." "You've seen, like, 300 since then." "You want to get a drink?" "Oh, my second one of the day, you mean?" "Sure." "So... (Sighs) I'm having trouble finding the I.T. guy." "I mean, you got the powerpoint presentation" "I e-mailed you, right?" "Because I need to sync my slides to music." "(Exhales deeply)" "Yeah, don't worry." "It's all taken care of." "(Chuckles) Good." "(Exhales deeply)" "So, um, how did this disease affect you?" "I... have..." "(Laughs) You remember the time when I wanted to go skinny-dipping and you said no 'cause of your thing with community swimming?" "(Chuckles) Ohh." "I was obsessed with accidentally swallowing fecal molecules." "Ohh. (Chuckles)" "Ohh." "I don't even know that girl anymore. (Chuckles)" "(Chuckles) You do seem really different." "Yeah, I have a transvestite friend now." "Her name is Tim." "(Chuckles) Well, I'd better get back to my date, James Van Der Beek." "I'll see you later." "Uh, hey, June?" "Sorry." "Um..." "Does this mean we can be friends?" "Yeah." "Yeah, we can be friends." "(Both moaning and panting)" "Ohh!" "God, this is so hot." "Ohh." "Mm." "Mm." "Ohh." "Old June never would have done this." "New June isn't even wearing a bra, just those weird cups that stick on with tape." "Oh, God!" "(Chuckles)" "Mm." "Mm!" "Ohh." "(Whispers) It's even hotter because my girlfriend's here." "What?" "Yeah." "Oh, we've been exclusive for, like, three months and... (Chuckles)" "You're disgusting." "(Whispers) I know." "So are you." "No." "(Grunts)" "What?" "I thought, uh, you were a new person now, huh?" "(Chuckles) No." "New June is cool drinking wine during the day." "She's not okay with you cheating." "That's why we broke up." "No, we broke up because you're boring." "What?" "It feels so good to say that. (Laughs)" "You're boring." "That's why I cheated." "I did it to feel alive." "All right." "Well... (Sighs)" "Take care of yourself." "(Chuckles)" "(May/december) ♪ stay with me, stay ♪" "(Door opens)" "♪ I need you to love me ♪" "♪ I need you today ♪" "♪ give to me your leather ♪" "♪ take from me my lace ♪" "♪ take from me ♪" "♪ my lace ♪" "(Cheers and applause)" "(Glass clatters)" "(Indistinct conversations)" "What do you think of Candice?" "Amazing, right?" "Do you know she's been sexually active for 68 years?" "What's wrong?" "Are you jealous because James is hanging out with June?" "What?" "No." "Why does everyone keep asking me that?" "Shh." "Hey." "Hey, clo." "It's me." "It's your pal Eli." "Come on, lady." "I hate the new June, all right?" "She has to be in the spotlight and go places with a celebrity." "It's like everything has to be about her." "When everything should be all about you." "Exactly." "Thank you." "Not being the center of attention makes you feel like you're not special, but, hey, it's okay, c-bear." "Everybody feels insecure sometimes." "Okay, I just realized that this is a wedding, so I'm gonna stay and eat the salmon, because aunt Bonnie can't, and then I'm leaving to fire my publicist." "By the way, your blonde friend is having a meltdown in the coatroom." "(Gasps)" "What's the matter, June?" "Not as confident as you thought you were?" "(Voice breaking) He said he broke up with me 'cause I was boring." "(Inhales deeply) He called you "boring"?" "Dude, that's, like, the worst thing you can say to someone." "He's right." "He knows me better than anyone." "He saw right through me." "(Sniffles)" "Inside, I'm still the girl who's afraid to go skinny-dipping." "Oh, skinny-dipping?" "Are people going?" "See?" "(Sighs) I'm not confident like you." "New York June was all an act." "(Sniffles and sighs)" "I'm just an insecure mess who's right back on the floor where she started." "(Inhales deeply and sighs)" "Here." "This is ugly." "Okay, first of all... (Blows nose loudly) If anyone's gonna be calling you names, it's gonna be me." "Second, just because some cheating loser with a cheap suit said something doesn't make it true." "Everyone feels a little insecure sometimes." "(Hangers swoosh)" "I feel insecure sometimes." "I mean... (Chuckles) I'm going on "dancing with the stars."" "I'm asking America to pick up a phone and judge me." "One digit will separate me from Al Roker." "I mean, what if no one votes for me?" "What if I'm too pretty?" "(Hangers swoosh) My husband and I will vote for you, James." "Oh." "Thank you, crissy." "Yeah." "I can't believe I made out with him after everything that he did." "That wasn't me being cool and awesome." "That was me being weak." "June, you were in love with him for, like, 30 years." "You're not weak." "You have a deceptive strength, and you have something you never had in Indiana... me." "So come on." "Let's go show Steven how fabulous you are." "James, it's time to act." "(Sighs)" "(Imitating Mel Gibson) "What do you want to hear, huh?" ""Do you want to hear that sometimes" ""I feel like eating a bullet, huh?" "'Cause I do."" "That's from "lethal weapon." It's part of his process." "Oh." "(Exhales deeply)" "♪" "You're feelin' it, Candice." "Your spine looks so straight." "♪" "(Music stops)" "(Amplified voice) Uh, I-I hope you're all enjoying what is obviously a wedding." "Uh, crissy and Robert, you won't always be healthy." "It all started when my aunt Bonnie, well, she said she could no longer hold onto a cup of tea, and we thought nothing of it at the time." "You monster!" "Yeah, I'm talking to you, home perm!" "I got a bone to pick with you." "How dare you make out with my June and then call her "boring," huh?" "She is the sexiest, most un-boring woman" "I have ever had the pleasure of bedding." "(Guests murmuring)" "(Gasps)" "(Women) Ohh." "(Man wolf-whistles)" "Ohh!" "You bitch!" "(Guests) Ohh!" "Since you moved here from Indiana, men have just fallen at your feet, but not this time." "Not my James!" "That's right." "(Guests murmuring)" "Don't forget to vote for me on "dancing with the stars."" "(Cheering)" "(Raised voice) Listen, I can't help it if James and this city find me irresistible." "There are consequences, June!" "(Guests gasp)" "(Voice breaks) What about him?" "What about baby Deshawn?" "(Lowered voice) No, that's Crissy's nephew, and his neck is not yet formed." "Oh." "This party's beat." "Let's bounce." "(Guests murmuring)" "(Amplified voice) My aunt Bonnie bounced between doctors, nutritionists, healers, and none of 'em could diagnose... (panting) (Microphone feedback whines)" "(Amplified voice) This one's for you, Steven." "♪ I want you to know ♪" "♪ that I'm happy for you ♪" "Nope." "Nope." "♪ I... ♪" "(Feedback whines) No." "Find another way to express that." "(Door closes)" "So Sorbo, huh?" "(Sighs) (Tv playing indistinctly)" "Did you guys do zombie arms?" "I'm gonna say no, but we both know it's a lie." "(Clicks)" "Oh, my gosh!" "James, there you are." "(Gasps)" ""Bit o' bovva."" "Oh, yeah." "What's that?" "Oh, that's that Guy Ritchie movie he's in." "Yeah." "(Cockney accent) Tell Rosie, that filthy scrubba, her fish-and-chips were the best. (Chuckles)" "I'm murdered. (Coughs) What a bit o' bovva." "♪" "I ad-libbed that line, and they made it the title of the movie." "(Chloe and June) Oh." "Yeah."