"Taste this." "I don't need to taste it." "It's a chocolate laxative." "I think it needs more caramel." "I'm telling you, Alan." "One of these days, that kid's gonna fart and birds are gonna fall out of the sky." "Funny." "Listen, how much is a hooker?" "What?" "Alan, what are you gonna do with a hooker?" "Well, I'd like to pay her to have sex with me." " I get it, but why?" " Well, I've been thinking." "I don't have a great track record with relationships but I still have desires." "So I figure, why not simplify?" "Get back to basics." "No relationship, no disappointment, just sex." "Well, sex with you there's bound to be some disappointment." "I mean, even with a hooker, money only buys you so much goodwill." "But I don't have to care." "Because it's a straight business transaction the only needs that are important are mine." "Hey, you don't have to sell me on it." "I just never pictured you doing anything like this." "Me neither." "You know what's interesting?" "Once I decided to give up trying to live a moral life, I felt somehow free." "Again, you don't have to sell me on it." "How much are you looking to spend?" "Well, as you know, I am a bit of a bargain hunter." "But unfortunately, they don't stock hookers at the 99-cent store." " Give me a number." " Okay, well what could I get in the 200-dollar range?" "Crabs." "And carjacked." "All right, then." "Why don't you give me a number?" " Fifteen hundred dollars." " For one night?" "For one hour." "One hour?" "I want sex, not surround sound." "Trust me, it's worth it." "For that kind of money, you get the girlfriend experience." "Haven't you been listening?" "I don't want the girlfriend experience." "I want sex." "Guiltless, emotionless, selfish sex." " I understand." " At a reasonable price." "Got it." "I'll make a few calls, see what I can do." "That'd be good." "And try to get a non-smoker." "Sure." "Who wants a girl who would put one of those nasty things in her mouth?" "Charlie?" "Charlie Harper?" "Hey, how are you?" "Wow, how long has it been?" "Too long." "This is my brother, Alan." "Hi." "This is my daughter, Milly." " Hi, Milly." " Hello, Milly." "Boy, this is some killer crumb cake." " Hello." " Hi." "Milly, this is my son, Jake." "Jake, this is Milly." "Want some cake?" "I don't eat sugar." "Oh, yeah, me neither." "Unless it's in, like, pies and cookies and stuff." " Whatever." " Yeah, whatever." "I play guitar." "I'm in a band." "They're called the Dudes of Rockage." "Heavy metal, classic rock kind of stuff." " I'm into Gwen Stefani." " Oh, yeah, they're great." " Sure you don't want some cake?" " No, thanks." "Oh, gee, we have to get going." "Call me sometime." "Maybe we can get together, have dinner, catch up." "Oh, that'd be great." "You still have my number?" "I'm sure I do, but, you know, just in case." "Here you go." " Pleasure to meet you, Alan." " Same here." "She seems nice." "Who is she?" "I have no frigging idea." "I'll tell you who she is." "The grandmother of my children." " Uncle Charlie?" " What?" "Could you do me a favor and call Milly's mom, find out if Milly likes me?" "But don't tell her I asked, because I don't wanna appear needy." "I'm on it." "You're not gonna do it, are you?" "What was your first clue?" "Oh, come on, why not?" "Jake, buddy, I don't even remember who Milly's mom is." "Calling her would put me in a very awkward position." "More than the time I had to pretend to be lost at the mall so you could meet the cute guard?" " Hey, we both benefited from that." " How do you figure?" " I got a hot date." "You got a hot pretzel." "It was an excellent pretzel." "Did you make the call?" "Jeez, everybody wants me to pimp for them." "Might as well get myself an orange hat, platform shoes and a full-length fur coat." "If anybody could pull it off, it'd be you." "Did you make the call?" "Here." "Her name's Alexis." "She's expecting to hear from you." "Alexis, that's a pretty name." "They all have pretty names, Alan." "You'll never meet a hooker named Maude." "Right, right." "So exactly how much are we talking about?" "She's willing to throw you one for 500." "Okay." "Can I put it on a credit card?" "A credit card?" "Where are you planning to swipe it, Alan?" "All right, all right, I was just hoping to get the miles." "Forget the miles." "And remember, that 500 does not include the tip." "I have to tip her?" "You know, in case there's something you want that might be considered unusual." "Oh, yeah, I'm gonna have to tip her." " Hi." " Oh, hey, Berta." "Hey, Berta." "So, what you're saying is that this is a а-la-carte kind of deal." "Like a steakhouse?" "What?" "As opposed to a set menu or buffet style." "Sure, whatever." "Should I mention your name when I call?" "Absolutely." "For every referral, I get a free travel mug." "Okay, terrific." "Thank you, Charlie." "Happy to help." "Zippy getting a hooker?" " It would appear so." " Boy, talk about earning your money." "Look, all you gotta do is call her mother, talk to her, then ask if Milly's there." "And if she is, you hand me the phone." " You're not gonna let this go, are you?" " Did you get a look at her?" "Jake, buddy, I don't even know her mother's name." "So?" "You don't know the name of half the girls you bring over." "First month I was here, you called me Jack." "All right, all right." "I will call her, dance around the fact that I have no idea who the hell she is then hand you the phone." " Great." " As long as you're hooking people..." "Forget it." "Oh, come on, I'm not picky." "Just find me a young Andy Griffith." "Just remember, I'm doing you a favor." "Don't forget it in a few years when I ask you to change my diaper." "Okay." "Wait, what?" "Hey, hi, it's Charlie." "Yeah, it was great to see you too." "Listen, let me tell you why I'm calling." "I'm sitting here with my nephew..." "Yeah, he does like his cake." "Remind her I'm in a band." "Hang on." " You gonna let me do this?" " You're rambling." "Fine." "It's all yours." "Hello, is Milly there?" "Oh, okay, well, can you tell her that Jake Harper called?" "The kid with the band?" "Really?" "Sure, I guess so." "Okay, thanks." "Bye." "You and me are having dinner with them on Friday, so you can catch up." "You and me?" "Just don't clock block me, okay?" " Clock block you?" " That's not it?" "No, that's not it." "Jake, let's go." " How do I look?" " Like you should be knocking on doors asking people if they've heard the good news." "I already told all my friends I have a date." "Wasn't gonna wear the jacket." "The shirt has mustard on the back." "How did you get mustard on the back of your shirt?" "A kid bet me I couldn't catch a hot dog behind my back." "Turns out I couldn't." "Is that what you're wearing?" " What's wrong with it?" " Nothing." "It's fine." "No, no, no, please, Mr. Blackwell, I want your opinion." "Would it kill you to tuck your shirt in?" "I would, but I just sat in some Thousand Island dressing." "Been there, done that." "All right." "Get in the car." "Alan, we're leaving." "Okay, have fun." "I'm going on a double date with pumpkin head." "Fun's not an option." "Well, whatever." "I know it means a lot to him." "That's good, because his happiness is everything to me." "Oh, Charlie, wait." " Yeah?" " Guess who's coming over tonight." "Alexis." "Oh, good for you." "But if you're planning to use that vegetable oil it's probably gonna run you an extra hundred." "I'm making French fries." "You know, carb-Ioading for my upcoming 60-minute dash." "My mistake." "But I like how you think." "Kinky and heart-smart." " Right." " Wait, wait, wait, one more thing." " Is this like parking at the mall?" " What?" "If I go over five minutes, do I have to pay for a whole other hour?" "No, it's like a tollbooth." "At the end of the hour, a gate comes down and lops off your penis." "Have fun." "Do me a favor." "If you get a chance, ask Milly what her mother's name is." "Why don't you ask her?" "Because women don't like it when you forget their names." "Well, then why do you always do it?" "Why do you always eat pastrami when you know it gives you gas?" "Because I love pastrami." "Well, there you go." "But I always know it's called pastrami." " Just ask her." " Okay." "Now, let's talk about your date." " You need to get your ducks in a row." " What do you mean?" "If this little girl is important to you, it'd behoove you to have a plan." "Behoove?" "It would benefit you." "Oh, yeah, sure." "What was that thing about ducks?" "It's just an expression." " Well, it's confusing." " Sorry." "You can't get them in a row." "I know, I know, now just listen to me." " They're ducks." " Right." "They move willy-nilly." "Shut up." "It would behoove you to speak nicer to me." "I swear to God, I will open the sunroof, pick you up with one hand and toss you into the carpool lane." "You know, there's no reason we couldn't be in the carpool lane." "All right, all right, I'm listening." "Thank you." "Now, three rules." "Number one, dinner with a beautiful woman is never about food." " I know, it's about making her like me." " Very good." " But there will be food, right?" " Yes." "Because I'm not at my best when I'm hungry." "Jake, you need to focus here." "It would behoove me to focus." "Sorry, what are the other two rules?" "Number two, eat with your mouth closed." "Number three, pray she has low self-esteem." "Number three isn't a rule." "For you, it is." "Fine." "Now, let's go over my three rules." "You've got rules?" "Number one, I'd like you not to call me Mr. Potato Head or SpongeBob SmearPants." "How about Sir Farts a Lot?" "No." "Number two, I think it'd be better if I call you Charlie rather than Uncle Charlie." "Because that way, we'd be more like equals." "So if we're equal, does that mean you're gonna split the check with me?" "I knew you'd say that, Charlie." "And number three?" "Oh, there's only two." "I miscounted." "Roxanne, you don 't have to Put on the red light" "Those days are over" "You don 't have to Sell your body to the night" "Oh, wait, you do." "Here we go." "Make me proud." "Hey, Alan." "Rose?" "Oh, for God's sake, did Charlie put you up to this?" "What?" "Charlie didn't put me up to anything." "Right, so it's just a coincidence I'm waiting for a prostitute and you show up at the front door." "You're waiting for a prostitute?" "No." "Oh, Alan, that's not like you." "When you've had your heart broken enough times and you can't bear having an emotional connection with another human, what else is there?" "A lot of people masturbate, I hear." "Really, I've heard them." "Nevertheless, sometimes a man needs to feel something other than his own touch." "Have you tried switching hands?" "It's like being with a clumsy stranger." "Hi." "Hi, you must be Alan's prostitute." "I'm Rose." "Hi, Rose." "Will you be joining us tonight?" "No, you'll just be doing Alan this evening." "Good night, Rose." "Good night." "So come on in." "Sorry I'm a little late." "Oh, that's okay." "As long as it doesn't come out of my, you know, winky-dink time." "Charlie, you haven't changed a bit in all these years." "It has been years, hasn't it?" "How many years do you think it's been?" "I don't know, probably 12." " And how old are you, honey?" " Fourteen." "Thank heaven." "For little girls." " So, Milly, do you play dodge ball?" " No." "I enjoy it quite a bit because it's just man against man but with big red balls." " Lx-nay on the alls-bay." " What?" "Just don't say balls." "So are you living in the same place?" "Yeah, still in my condo." "Right, the condo." "Boy, that takes me back." " I don't think you were ever there." " That's what I meant." "Takes me back to not being there." "The thing about dodge round things is the thrill of competition and the deep satisfaction you get when you see a kid's retainer fly out of his mouth when he takes one to the face." " I hate dodge ball." "It's too violent." "You're right." "It sucks." "Milly enjoys painting and writing poetry." "You know, like me." "Of course I know." "How could I not know?" " Are you still doing the whole art thing?" " What do you mean?" "I mean, that thing you used to do with the art." "And the poetry." "Milly, did Jake tell you he was in a band?" "Yeah, I'm in a band." "I don't think she has low self-esteem." "Shall we take care of business before we get started?" "Oh, absolutely." "No money, no honey." "No looty, no booty." "No cash advance, I'm not in your pants." " That was 400, right?" " Five." "Oh, of course." "Why do I think it was four?" "Thanks." "So, Alan, what do you like?" "Oh, just about anything." "I'm not finicky." "No limits, huh?" "Well, you know, I'm not into animals or anything near my keister." "Okay, come here." "Let's get comfy." "Oh, alrighty." "Baby, you really turn me on." " Hang on a sec." " What?" "I'm a little bumped by that "turn me on" part." "I wanna believe you, but I've been with enough women to know that it doesn't happen that fast." "Sometimes it doesn't happen at all." "Honey, I would not lie to you." "No, no, of course not." "Why would you lie to me?" "But I'm just saying it would help if you could tone down the narration to a more believable level." " All right." " Okay." "You are the best kisser." " Okay, again." " What?" "I happen to know for a fact that I'm not the best kisser." "Okay, I'm a little confused here." "I'm just not buying it." "And since I am buying it, I should be able to buy it." "All you have to do is tell the truth." "There's no need for hyperbole." " All right, okay." " Okay." "Oh, Alan, your lips are so thin and dry." "Okay, now we're cooking." "I think competitive eating really changed when that Japanese guy started wetting the hot-dog buns." "I actually figured out that trick myself." "By accident." "So how are your folks doing?" "That's not funny, Charlie." "You know, I meant, how are they doing in heaven?" " What are you talking about?" " Hell?" "Are you referring to their divorce?" "Yes, I am, and divorce is hell." "But after a while, it can be like heaven." "You know, you're even prettier than I remember." "Thank you." "And you are just as charming as the first time we met." " Oh, you don't remember that." " I sure do." " It was a really hot day in July..." " Hot dog eaters are amateurs." "The guys that do pork ribs and spaghetti, they're the real athletes." "Hey, hey, hey, the lady's talking here." "Oh, right." "Milly, Charlie wants to know what your mom's name is." "You don't remember my name?" "What?" "Of course I do." "You're gonna listen to SpongeBob SmearPants?" "Oh, you wanna play like that, huh, Mr. Drunky Face." " What's my name, Charlie?" " Just a sec." "How's your lobster?" "Do you need more butter?" "Because there's plenty on Jake's shirt." "You have no idea what my name is, do you?" "He doesn't have a clue." "Okay, okay, okay, I'm not good with names." "But I'll never forget the passionate nights we spent together." " We never spent the night together." " We didn't?" " No." " Well, no wonder I don't remember you." "Come on, honey, we're leaving." "No, no, no, wait, wait, wait." "I gotta know." "Who the hell are you?" " Nice going." " Me?" " You're putting this on me?" " Can I bring you anything else?" "Yeah, get me a bottle of Scotch, a taxi and a smarter kid." "Can I have a chocolate mousse, please?" "Oh, come on, I just said I can't believe I'm the biggest you've ever seen." "I mean, I'm not even the biggest I've ever seen." " And I haven't seen that many." " I'm sorry, I have to go." " Why?" " I have a headache." "I can work with that." "I was married for 12 years." "Here's your money." "Don't ever call me again." "Okay, second base for free." "So are either of you gonna tell me how it went tonight?" "Ask your bubble-headed son." "Ask your butt-headed brother." "You know what?" "I'm not that interested." "I'm going to bed." "Oh, no, stay." "I so enjoy your company." "So how'd it go with Alexis?" "Well, I don't wanna brag, but she wouldn't take my money."