"THE SESSIONS Transcript and sync: jcdr" "Mark O'Brien has been going to UC Berkeley since 1978." "That's O'Brien in the motorized gurney heading for class last week." "He had polio when he was 6 years old." "The disease left his body crippled but his mind remained sharp and alert, and since he wanted to be a writer," "Mark O'Brien entered Cal to major in English and learn his trade." "He wrote this poem for us about school here, and about graduation." "Graduation." "Today I hear the crowd's applause." "Receive congratulations from my friends." "Today I ask if I've found a place among the rest, who studied, read, wrote, and passed the test in cap and gown." "Today, I hope you see a man upon the stage." "Mark O'Brien teaches us that courage and perseverance overcome obstacles." "With Mark O'Brien at UC Berkeley, Bill Hillman, Channel Five Eyewitness News." "Breathing." "Look you." "This most excellent canopy, the air, presses down upon me at 15 pounds per square inch, a dense, heavy, blue glowing ocean, teasing me with its nearness and immensity." "And all I get is a thin stream of it." "A finger's width of the rope that ties me to life." "Shit!" "Okay, just focus." "Scratch with your mind." "Okay, your mind." "Scratch with your mind..." "Good morning." "Good morning." "You're late." "Joan." "I swear this was one crazy bitch, who'd swing me about enough to scare me, but careful enough so she could say:" ""Now what was all the yelling about?" "You polios are screamers." "Always were."" "I didn't say a word, but typed my skinny novel in my head, and thought about revenge." "Would you mind if I asked you a favor?" "What, you need help moving furniture?" "I need an advance on my pay, like two weeks." "And that's not exactly asking too much, is it?" "What if you don't last another two weeks?" "It was a real drag that I was no longer allowed to use my other gurney, the self-propelled one." "It had caused a couple of spectacular accidents." "Basically, in spite of all the mirrors, I couldn't see where I was going." "Mary's fear and apprehension slowly gave way to pride and purpose." "Elizabeth, pregnant herself with St. John, felt the power of this wondrous woman." "It was Elizabeth, and her absolute faith, that gave Mary the courage she was lacking, and she gave thanks saying:" ""My soul doth magnify the Lord, and my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Saviour"." "May the spirit of the Lord be amongst you and remain with you always." "I'm definitely a true believer." "But I believe in a God with a sense of humor." "A wicked sense of humor." "One who created me in His own image." "Hello." "I don't think we've met." "I'm Father Brendan." "I'm Mark O'Brien." "I knew Father Seamus very well." "I'm sorry that he's not here any more." "As are many others." "I'll do my best to fill his shoes." "I understand you'd like me to hear your confession." "Yes, I would." "I told my attendant to come back in half an hour, is that okay?" "I'm in no rush." "I can be a bit time consuming, but I'm worth the trouble." "I'm here for you Mark." "Look..." "This is not exactly a confession, I haven't yet done the deed." "I was hoping to sort of get a quote in advance." "What's on your mind?" "The most immediate thing on my mind would be one of my attendants, Joan." "I'm thinking of getting rid of her." "It's an evil thought, but I can't help it." "— Is she dishonest, or incompetent?" "— No, neither of those." "She looks at me the wrong way." "It's that "you need me more than I need you" look." "I'd like to show her she's wrong, just for the evil satisfaction it will give me." "Is that a sin, Father?" "Well, it obviously troubles you." "Yes, it troubles me a lot, because maybe it's really a power trip." "You know." "It's me against her." "Me against the world." "I really wouldn't worry about that." "The question is whether you like having her around." "— I can't stand her." "— Well then get rid of her." "If I were in a position to choose, I'd find someone nice." "Even it was a power trip." "Then I have your blessing to fire her?" "Unofficially, yes." "That's good enough for me." "Amanda." "Amanda would have been a pretty girl to touch, to hold, to kiss." "Do you have any experience?" "No, none at all." "That sounds perfect." "So, how long can you stay out?" "Three or four hours." "Depends how much fun I'm having." "As she glided through crowds of lives, she couldn't leave me lying there dried out bubble gum stuck on the underneath of existence." "She took me on a picnic once, with her boyfriend and another couple." "Lust crackled in the air." "But what did the boyfriend think?" "That I was in his way?" "I'm always in somebody's way, I thought, the sun in my eyes." "And?" "What?" "And, do you touch him?" "Yeah, I do everything." "Any other questions?" "— It's gross." "— What?" "What'd you say?" "Okay, look." "No need to be defensive, okay?" "I'm not exactly threatened by this guy." "— Yeah?" "Why not?" "God, he's a much more a man than you are." "So what does your boyfriend think of me?" "He's an asshole." "It doesn't matter what he thinks of you." "I'm interested in the opinion of an asshole." "He thinks that you are some kind of Svengali, and that you're gonna hypnotize me into your cult." "He's right." "He says he can already see changes." "Her perfect, pale skin, her Tudor court face, her strong, fleshy legs drove me into ecstasies of despair." "All I wished for were hands that moved, just to touch her." "That would have been enough." "So with her gentle fearless heart, she took me in." "I thrived in her garden, and wanted more." "This you must have." "What?" "I love you." "Did she reciprocate your feelings?" "She didn't seem to." "Well, sometimes people can be very shy about their emotions." "Well... in case she didn't get it the first time," "I told her again that I was in love with her, and wanted to marry her, thinking it might swing things." "— Did it?" "— Yes." "She left." "Amanda could have been a pretty girl to touch, to hold, to take to bed." "I wish I knew what to say." "I mean, welcome to the human race, every day somebody breaks somebody else's heart." "And as I said, I'm here for you." "I just wish I had something more useful to offer." "All I have are these vague ideas about life and death that priests are equipped with." "Have you considered sharing your feelings with a therapist?" "Not really." "Father..." "I think I need a hug." "— A hug?" "— Yeah." "— Hi." "Vera?" "— Yes." "— I'm Rod." "— Hi." "I usually do four to midnights." "But we can switch as necessary." "Have you had any experience?" "Some." "Would you get that, please." "Hullo?" "It's Sandy, from Pacific News Service." "Could you press that button and put it on the speaker phone, please." "Hi, Sandy." "Hi, Mark, how you doing?" "I'm good." "I have a new attendant." "She answered the phone, her name's Vera." "Welcome, Vera." "Thank you." "Mark, we're doing a series of articles that I think might interest you." "The subject is 'Sex and the disabled'." "It would involve interviewing people in the Berkeley area." "But why now?" "Because we've got the money now." "But if you're working on something else, then we can talk about it later." "No... now is fine." "Great!" "There was no escaping it." "A door had opened which I could not close, and in invisible writing it said:" ""Do not enter"." "Most positions like that one are pretty much impossible." "I don't know if you can quite visualize it, but it's called a lateral, or sideways reverse cowgirl." "It's okay. it's just a question of depth of penetration for most people, like my partner, for instance." "It doesn't really matter to me." "I mean, I just get just as excited when he licks my nipples, when he bothers to do that." "I think your tapes ran out." "Do you want to continue?" "Uh..." "That's okay Carmen." "I think I've actually got enough to work on." "Thanks." "Okay well, can you call if you need anything, and let me give you Greg's number, 'cause he's full of thinks you wouldn't think were possible." "Oral sex is a matter of taste." "And one thing that really works in my favor is that I smoke so much weed that my taste buds are pretty jaded." "This gives me a great deal of stamina in the tongue department, and stamina is key in cunnilingus." "Who are these people?" "I feel like an anthropologist interviewing a tribe of headhunters." "Hi." "It's good to see you." "How are things?" "— Well..." "— I'm sorry." "Things are a little confusing, Father Brendan." "I would appreciate your advice as a friend... if you know what I mean." "Sure." "And I understand what you mean." "Do you remember at one point you suggested I might see a therapist?" "— Yes." "— Well... one way or another, it's a long story, I ended up seeing a therapist." "A particular sort of therapist." "A sex therapist." "Good morning UC Berkeley." "May I please speak to someone in the Center for Sexuality and Disability, please." "I'm sorry sir, the Center for Sexuality and Disability has been shut down." "— Thank God." "— Sir?" "I'm sorry I have bothered you." "It's no bother..." "Oh, Sir, before you go, I can give you a phone number for one of the therapists who used to work there." "Would you like that?" "It's fine, we can—" "— Everything's gonna work just fine." "— I don't like this, just forget about it." "— Mark, you wanna see this woman or not?" "— No!" "— Well, it's too late." "— What floor?" "18th floor." "What sort of chance do you give me?" "Of achieving your romantic fantasy?" "Very small to minute." "Oh look, you don't have to pull any punches." "You can be direct with me." "Mark, I'm just a humble sex therapist." "I try to help people with sex problems that can be addressed." "Your problem, I understand, is that you have never had sex." "That's correct." "Would I be correct in assuming you're unable to masturbate?" "Correct." "Has anyone done it for you?" "No." "Have you ever asked anyone?" "Not specifically." "I asked someone to marry me once, she declined." "Does that come close to masturbation?" "You know, being with the person you love is not the only way of expressing yourself sexually." "There are people called sex surrogates." "Oh?" "My penis speaks to me, Father Brendan." "Sometimes I ejaculate during a bed bath in front of my attendant." "All I feel is shame and mortification, while other men apparently get pleasure." "I'm sorry if I sound angry." "Don't worry about it." "Go on." "This therapist... suggested I could work with a sexual specialist," "have sex with someone known as a sex surrogate, who would be sensitive to my unusual needs." "I've been giving it some thought." "Hold on." "What do you mean "have sex"?" "Well, when a man and a woman love each other," "— then they have— — No, I understand what it—uhm..." "Are we talking about sexual intercourse?" "— I think so." "— Outside marriage?" "I did do my best on the question of marriage." "What's the difference between this sexual specialist and a common prostitute?" "I don't know, but I think there's a difference." "— How old are you?" "— Thirty-eight." "Why exactly now?" "I never had any cash before." "That's a major factor." "And I'm probably getting close to my use-by date." "And this is what you want my advice on?" "Fornication?" "Your advice as a friend." "And do I have the deciding vote, so to speak?" "Well, let's just say I value your advice just as much as I do the therapist's." "You're serious about this?" "I think sex is a serious matter." "It's one of the most persistent themes in the bible." "So... is it possible for me to know a woman in the biblical sense, so to speak," "And... and do I want to find out?" "— You want my opinion?" "— Please." "In my heart I feel like He'll give you a free pass on this one." "— Go for it." "— What?" "— Go for it." "— Really?" "Yes." "If you feel up to it." "Do you feel up to it?" "— To tell the truth..." "I'm scared." "Well then we should pray." "Sweet Jesus," "Mark and I sit at your feet and pray that You bless this little journey, this one small step for a man." "I really feel proud of myself, imposing on someone I hardly know, to fornicate in their home." "Get over it." "It's perfectly normal." "— Tada!" "— Wow!" "There are all sorts of useful things in that drawer there, if you guys feel like exploring." "That's okay, I'll bring my own sheets and towels." "No." "Everything will be provided." "I'm really honored that you asked me." "It'll be great karma for the house." "Great karma for the house?" "!" "My God, the pressure, already." "I can't stand it." "Hey, this is Tony." "Hi, this is Laura White." "Is Cheryl in, please?" "Cheryl!" "— What is it?" "— Phone!" "She's coming." "I'm not your girlfriend." "When someone calls, particularly someone you don't know, you can use the word 'Mom'." "Hullo, this is Cheryl." "Hi, it's Laura." "I haven't heard from you for a while." "How are you?" "— Pretty well." "Look, I called to ask how you would feel, about working with a severely disabled client." "I'm..." "Could you hold on one second." "Tony!" "Get a glass!" "Hey, cut that out!" "Hullo, Mark O'Brien's phone." "Hi, this is Cheryl Cohen–Greene." "May I speak to Mark?" "I—Uh—yeah, could you hold a second?" "What?" "What am I doing here?" "Yes or no?" "Come on, make up your mind." "Yeah, go ahead." "— Hello, this is Mark." "— Hi Mark, this is Cheryl." "Laura called to introduce you." "I understand you'd like to meet, is that right?" "Uh..." "Yes." "I could see you on the thirteenth, at eleven o'clock." "Would that be any good for you?" "Oh, uh..." "Yes, I think that would be fine for me." "Where you from?" "Boston." "You?" "— Salem." "Small world." "— Uh." "We will talk for a while to begin with, and then, when you're ready, we'll start doing some body awareness exercises." "Holy Mother of God." "What are "body awareness exercises"?" "— Which one?" "— Doesn't matter." "Will you stop acting like you're going to your own execution." "I'm not acting." "Okay, the purple one." "Just try and think about something else." "Baseball, for example." "That's what they usually tell boys to do." "Baseball." "You mean like hope I make it to second base?" "That's helpful." "Okay." "Right, be like that." "Alright." "Maybe she forgot." "Yeah, she forgot, or she got the date wrong, we should just forget it." "Let's go back." "Come on." "She has not forgotten." "You see?" "Hi." "Hi." "Okay, I'm going." "I'll be back around one, but if you guys have finished early, you can just let yourselves out." "Okay?" "— Okay." "— Have fun." "Thanks, bye." "Bye." "What time is it?" "Twelve after eleven." "Oh, I think there's a strong possibility she's had second thoughts." "And if she does arrive, she would be perfectly within her rights to turn around and run." "Hi, I'm Cheryl." "I'm sorry I'm late." "No, that's fine." "Come in." "I'm Vera, I'm one of Mark's helpers." "— Nice to meet you." "— Nice to meet you too." "Hi, Mark O'Brien." "Hi, Cheryl Cohen Greene." "I'll be back, in say, two hours?" "— Yes, perfect." "— Okay." "So..." "Your money's on the desk, over there." "Yes it is." "Thank you." "That was the wrong way to start off." "It really was." "Shall we start again?" "Please, you start." "Although the aim is for us to have sex, I'm not a prostitute." "You don't have to pay me up front." "I've nothing against prostitutes, but there's a difference." "We can talk about that later." "I'm sorry." "The other thing is, there's a limit to the number of sessions we can have." "Did Laura mention that when you saw her?" "I'm sorry, I don't remember." "The limit is six." "That gives us plenty of opportunity to explore." "So, I understand you are able to have an erection." "Yes, but not by choice." "Do you know how many men there are who would give anything for a natural erection?" "Is this your place?" "No, it's a friend's." "The only bedroom furniture I have at my place is an iron lung." "I've been wondering maybe about possibly buying a futon, yeah, in case the need arose." "Might be worth thinking about." "I've got the space, I think." "It can be expensive though, a nice... futon, I mean, how much do you think a good one would cost—" "Mark, take a deep breath... then let go." "Do I seem anxious?" "You do a little." "So Laura tells me you're a poet." "What's it like to be a poet?" "It's a way of living inside your own head, which is where I spend most of my time." "But not today." "Nice shirt, by the way." "Thank you." "So I'm gonna ask you some basic questions, okay?" "Sure." "Explain to me, so that I really understand exactly what the iron lung is for?" "Well, it keeps me breathing." "I can spend a few hours outside of it, with my portable respirator, depending on how I feel, but..." "I work and sleep in the iron lung." "And how do you feel right now?" "Out of my league." "I meant your breathing." "Oh... fine." "In fact, better than usual." "That's great." "Shall we get undressed?" "Do you have any areas of unusual sensitivity?" "Any parts of your body you don't want me to touch?" "I have normal sensitivity all over." "I'm not paralyzed exactly, it's just my muscles don't work too much." "— You can touch me anywhere." "— That's great." "Ow!" "Ow!" "Stop!" "It hurts!" "— What, what's wrong?" "— Holy Mother of God!" "— My fingers!" "My fingers, they're caught!" "— It's okay, okay." "I've got it, I've got you." "Don't worry." "Be careful, please." "Mark..." "I'm gonna be really careful with you." "I don't want to hurt or injure you in any way, and it's really not sexy when you yell at me." "Okay?" "I won't yell at you any more." "But you'll tell me calmly the moment anything starts to hurt." "Yes." "Here we go." "Piece of cake, uh?" "Nice shirt." "You already said that." "Did I?" "I'm gonna slide these down." "Okay, just be careful with my feet, okay." "My feet, be careful." "— Hold your breath." "— Okay." "Oh, hang out, be careful, that's a new pant!" "You're ready?" "Oh." "I'm gonna take that as a yes." "So the difference between me and a prostitute is the prostitute wants your return business." "I don't." "I'm here to help you learn about your sexual feelings, so you can share them with a future partner." "Mark, I want you to tell me how it feels each time I touch a different part of your body." "Okay?" "Well, whenever I'm naked, everyone else in the room is always dressed." "And now that I'm in bed with another naked person, it's rather confusing." "Why is it confusing?" "I'd always expected that God, or my parents, would intervene to keep this moment from ever happening." "Not this time." "So if something feels good, you tell me, if something feels ticklish or bothers you, I want you to let me know," "I don't want you to tolerate anything." "I'm gonna start with the top of your head." "Soft hair." "It's really nice to the touch." "— Does it feel good?" "— It does." "That feels weird." "Weird good or weird bad?" "Just weird." "Feels good." "Still good?" "Everything good so far, except the ear." "Are these the body awareness exercises?" "You're clever to have worked that out." "People tell me I'm very perceptive." "Mark, would you like to see what I feel like?" "You touch one, you have to touch the other, it's sort of a war." "Okay." "Αrе yоu wеаrіng соlоgnе?" "Yes." "I like it." "I usually like cologne." "And I like that." "So Mark, I'm going to move my hand along your body... down to your penis, and if you feel me..." "Oh!" "Ooh... — Nice job." "— Yeah." "I thought there'd be more to it." "Not that it was unpleasant." "After all, I was in bed with a naked woman." "She complimented me on my shirt and my hair." "She held my penis." "I haven't even seen my penis for over thirty years." "Am I sharing too much, Father?" "No, I'm used to it." "So, uhm, next week." "Friday the twentieth, same time?" "That's good for me." "Next time we'll start to work on intercourse." "Were you afraid at the thought of seeing me?" "Oh God, I was terrified." "You should be proud of yourself." "You did great, we've made real progress." "Can I ask you something?" "Sure." "What would you like to ask?" "Anything, really." "Just tell me something about yourself." "Anything." "Okay." "I'm a very private person." "I have a private life, I need you to be aware of that, but that's about it." "This therapy is about you." "— Hello." "Welcome back." "Perfect timing." "I hope you guys kept the noise down." "What was it like, how do you feel?" "Cleansed and victorious." "Doesn't get any better than that." "How about your first time?" "— Don't wanna remember that." "— How was it like?" "It wasn't all that pleasant." "I mean, it was consensual and everything, and I really was in love with the guy, but his dick seemed enormous to me, I didn't think it would fit." "It was scary." "He was nice." "I guess he couldn't help it." "Was he Chinese?" "Are you kidding?" "I only hung out with white guys at high school." "Why is that?" "I don't know." "To stick it to my mum and dad, I suppose." "Are they happy now you have a Chinese boyfriend?" "They're happy, I'm happy." "What's his dick like?" "Uh, perfect size." "Why do you call it a dick instead of a penis?" "Penis sounds like some vegetable you don't want to eat." "— Huh huh." "— Dick sounds like what it is." "The thing is... it was all over so damn quickly." "Yeah, tell me about it." "First session." "Mark O'Brien is the oldest of four children and raised Catholic." "He was extremely nervous." "He yelled a lot when I took off his shirt, but I think more out of fear than pain." "He cannot masturbate, he's had only the occasional kissing experience." "He is capable of achieving an erection easily, but the unusual curvature of his body could be a serious obstacle to intercourse." "I just started working with this gentleman, he spends almost his entire life trapped in a big metal box." "Did you hear what I said?" "Yes." "Yes." "You're a saint." ""Sometimes the head of the penis may be too large to penetrate the vaginal opening smoothly, in which case the application of lubricant is recommended to avoid possible..." Oh, my God!" "So, what's on the menu today?" "We're attempting intercourse." "Uh-huh." "A big one." "What do you think of it?" "Intercourse." "Overrated, but necessary." "There's plenty of other ways of achieving the same result, but somehow you don't feel you've actually done it till you've gone all the way in." "I want you to look at me this time." "Come on, give it a try, open your eyes." "Do you like watching me undress?" "I do." "So from now on... you're gonna start to listen to the signals from your body... that way you'll be able to have some control..." "Oh God!" "Damn!" "Shit." "I did it again." "This time, I ejaculated on her thigh." "I felt cursed... that the whole enterprise was cursed." "It seemed like a totally just punishment." "God wasn't actually denying my sexuality." "He was just pointing out to me how useless it was." "It's amazing to me how often God is brought into the sex act." "I understand that even amongst nonbelievers." "the most common expression of sexual ecstasy is "Oh, God!"" "Okay, I don't want to hear any more about God cursing you." "I want the credit." "It was my overpowering beauty that did it, it took you by surprise." "Now, where were we?" "What do you mean, where were we?" "I'm gonna touch you..." "I'm touching you... and when we both feel you're aroused... like now..." "I'm gonna guide you inside me." "Is there anything I need to do?" "Just close your eyes, feel your body, that's all you need to do." "— No, it won't fit." "It's not going to fit." "— No." "Mark, it will fit just fine." "— No, it's dangerous." "It's too big." "— It's not too big." "Relax." "— No." "It won't fit." "It'll hurt." "— Mark!" "Mark!" "Stop." "Stop." "I promise you, nothing bad will happen." "Let's try again while you're still hard." "Shit!" "Shit!" "Shit." "I'm really sorry." "Stop being sorry." "And stop reading those stupid sex manuals." "There's still some time left, we can talk." "or you can suck my nipples, that went well." "Or, which would you like to do first?" "I believe the root of his anxiety is his parents and his religion." "He believes he doesn't deserve sex." "He believes he is responsible for his little sister's death at the age of seven, because his mother was too busy looking after him." "We discussed his fantasies, which were mostly masochistic." "Again, the idea of being punished." "He's never seen female genitalia before, and seems quite frightened or sort of it." "My worry now is that it's never gonna happen." "I'm never gonna have intercourse with Cheryl, or any other woman." "Maybe intercourse would prove I was an adult." "Maybe I don't want to cross that line." "Maybe... this was a bad idea." "Do you want to know what I think?" "Please." "Forget the psychobabble." "I grew up on a farm." "Even the animals need a couple of times to get it right." "May I suggest you try it and enjoy it more?" "Don't worry about the technical stuff." "You're a poet." "Be romantic." "No." "Uh maybe." "Uh yes." "Thanks, it's good." "— You nervous?" "— A little." "— Want a shpritz?" "— Yes, of course I would." "I have a good feeling about today, a very good feeling." "Good." "I had a terrible feeling it was never going to happen, but I think today's the day." "— Can I make a suggestion?" "— Please." "Stop thinking about it." "Couldn't have wished for nicer weather." "You're not listening, are you?" "Stop thinking about it." "Beautiful weather." "Oh, my God, Mark!" "I'm so sorry." "I forgot." "She was very apologetic." "Look, it may not be exactly what we had in mind, but" "I noticed a couple of blocks from here a pretty nice motel." "It might be worth checking out." "Why not." "Do you have anything on the ground floor?" "I've got a single." "— How much?" "— Thirty-five plus tax." "My boss is the gentleman in the gurney." "He's supposed to be having a therapy session right now, but the facility we normally use had a scheduling mix-up." "We just need the room for two hours." "Can you do it twenty cash?" "So there's a soda machine around the corner." "Thanks." "— And an ice machine if you need it." "— I'm sure it'll come in handy." "Okay, that's it." "I've got a book to read." "I'll be hanging around the reception if you need me." "Thanks." "Very atmospheric." "Some people find motels exciting." "Do you think I could be one of those people?" "Of course." "Another shirt." "As in racy and sophisticated?" "You took the words right out of my mouth." "What's wrong with your boss?" "Basically, he can only move his head." "So uh..." "What sort of therapy are they doing?" "They're having sex." "You're shitting me." "Okay, I'm shitting you." "Oh no, come on, tell me for real." "What are they actually doing?" "Well, today, after some appropriate foreplay, they're gonna try to achieve full penetration." "Are you okay down there?" "I'm choking." "— Oh my God." "— The mouth piece." "The mouth pi—" "Thank you." "I guess that one's off the menu until further notice." "Come on, lighten up." "Pony girl, Pony girl, won't you be my pony girl?" "My dad used to sing that to my little sister Karin before she died." "She was kind of a sad little girl." "It didn't do much good." "I'm really sorry that the last time I saw her, I fought with her, I made her cry." "My parents could have left me in the nursing home, you know." "But they found out the average life expectancy for polios in nursing homes was 18 months." "They took me home." "They gave me a life." "They gave up theirs." "Mark, I'm just going to go the bathroom for a quick pee." "And when I come back, we're going to achieve full penetration." "But before I go, I want you to close your eyes." "— Is this a game?" "— It's not a game, just do as I say." "Close your eyes." "Picture yourself as a six year old boy at the beach." "Can you do that?" "Yes, very easily." "Describe some of your feelings." "I feel exhilarated... running along the Atlantic Ocean... feeling the wind and... the wet sand between my toes." "Do you really feel like him?" "Yes, I really feel like him." "And can you really picture him?" "I don't understand what you mean," "I said I can feel like him." "Of course I can picture him." "From the outside, I mean as an adult, as you are now, looking at him with his crew cut and his little face?" "Yes." "And are you mad at him?" "Do you blame him for getting polio?" "Was it his fault?" "She either forgot to close the bathroom door, or didn't bother to close it." "I found the sound of her peeing incredibly erotic, and the sound of her tearing off toilet paper incredibly intimate." "By the time she came back I had a terrific boner." "Go on." "I'm gonna rub the tip of your penis around my vulva." "And when it's ready, I'll guide you in." "Breathe slowly and think of something delicious." "Aah–Aahh!" "They've been a long time." "Yeah." "— You got a boyfriend?" "— Yes." "I grew up in Salem, raised Catholic, like you, but the church did not appreciate my attitude towards sex." "— You had an attitude towards sex?" "— I did, I liked it." "They think they threw me out, but I threw them out." "So for years I didn't believe in anything, and now I'm converting to Judaism." "I guess it's good to have some kind of insurance." "Oh, I didn't think of that." "Then why are you doing it?" "My husband asked me to do it before his grandmother dies." "The idea is, if it makes her happy and him happy, it will do the same for me." "The fact that I'm happy already, doesn't seem to be relevant." "What does your husband do?" "He's a philosopher." "Wow!" "At the university?" "No, in his own mind." "He runs the house, plays guitar, thinks a lot." "It's getting late." "Look, you did great today." "You were fantastic." "You're a fully fledged male homo-sapiens endowed with a handsome and substantial penis which now has a proven track record." "You should be thrilled." "Was I really inside you?" "You were really and truly inside me." "— For how long?" "— At least five or six seconds." "Is that all?" "That's a long time for some people." "You were pretty excited, I don't know what you were thinking about." "Yeah, it's you—" "It was—these all a jumble of sensations." "Well, you definitely achieved penetration." "It was penis–vagina all the way, and you definitely get an A for orgasm." "Cheryl?" "Did you come?" "No, Mark, I didn't." "Can we try for that next time?" "Is that what you want?" "Yes... that's what I want." "Okay then." "How's it going?" "— Hi, how you doing?" "— Good, good, come on in." "— How are ya?" "— Still exhausted." "— Beer?" "— No, I'm okay." "— Oh you need a glass?" "— That'd be great." "So..." "On reflection, how do you feel?" "It was okay." "I liked some of the other stuff, this is just as much or better, but I'm glad it's behind me." "So am I. Congratulations." "Thanks." "Thanks a lot." "When this is all over, I'm gonna write an article about it." "After all, sex sells." "Seriously." "So you're only doing this for the money." "Oh, absolutely." "That makes me feel so much better about everything." "What is she like?" "Cheryl." "You've never really said anything about her." "She's the most wonderful person on the planet." "How is it going?" "He reads too many books." "He has it in his head that after meeting three times, we should be able to have penetrative sex which results in simultaneous orgasm," "Boom!" "Just like that." "That's very funny." "Yeah I guess it is." "What do you think of him?" "Cheryl?" "I like him." "What are you thinking about?" "Nothing." "I don't believe you." "Okay, I was just thinking about the whole conversion thing." "I still don't believe you." "Then, whatever it is, I guess I'm not in the mood for talking about it." "So?" "What do you think?" "Hullo, this is Cheryl." "Hey." "— Mark?" "— Hey." "Can we meet somewhere for coffee?" "Somewhere nice." "My treat." "I don't usually meet with clients outside of working hours, you know that." "We'll have to talk business." "Mark appears to be indulging in typical transference behavior." "We know this is not unusual after first successful intercourse, but I think he is particularly susceptible." "He cannot help seeing me as the multi-functional, all-purpose woman, mother, sister, schoolmistress, whore, lover and best friend." "At the same time, his anxiety about sexual performance has diminished." "You look stunning." "— Thank you." "— You're welcome." "Could you put my cup right on the edge there." "Sure." "Right on the edge." "And stick the straw in my mouth, please?" "— Is that okay?" "— Perfect." "Sir, I'd wait a couple of minutes." "That coffee is kind of hot." "— Thanks." "— You're welcome." "So, what shall we talk about?" "We don't have to do much talking." "I just want to be seen with you in public." "And I want people to say "hey, who's that gimp with that beautiful blonde?" "How did he get so lucky?"" "If some old girlfriend from school you hadn't seen for years showed up here suddenly, like right now, how would you introduce me?" "As your boyfriend?" "As my husband." "Why not go all the way." "Really?" "We're pretending, right?" "So..." "Sure." "Love poem for... for uh..." "No one in particular." "Tell me..." "Tell me..." "Tell me." "Let me..." "Let me..." "Let me write..." "Really?" "Really hon?" "You're the one that's always said it can't get personal?" "That's a whole other thing." "What are you doing opening my mail?" "That was scented, I assumed it was just junk mail." "Even less reasons to open it." "Where is it?" "Give it to me." "You're not getting it." "This is none of your business." "You're still not getting it." "I threw it out." "— You didn't." "— I fucking did!" "What's up?" "Would you ask your mother to pass the salt, please?" "Cheryl, would you please pass the salt?" "Listen, I'm..." "I'm sorry." "I know, I—I really upset you before." "No no no, you didn't." "I'm fine." "— You sure?" "— Yes." "I promise." "— Really?" "Yes, in fact, I've come around to your point of view." "You were right." "You're usually right about these things." "It was... quite a nice poem, really." "Nothing astounding, but it's heartfelt, and then... and then..." "Everything is great." "I just need to get to sleep." "Okay." "Good night." "Let me touch you with my words." "For my hands lie limp as empty gloves." "Amanda?" "I haven't seen you in a while." "I know." "I'm sorry." "I'm, uhm..." "Well, I'm going to Germany." "So I wanted to say goodbye to you before I left." "Why are you going to Germany?" "To study German." "For how long?" "Hum..." "One or two years maybe." "But... we should keep in touch." "But why go to Germany?" "It's the only place in the world where humor is forbidden." "What?" "You could always make me laugh." "I love you, Mark." "— I really do." "— Really?" "Yes, I love you, but not in that way." "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." "Blah, blah, blah." "The same old story." "I'm sorry." "I think it's great what you're doing with this surrogate lady." "Well, it could have been you." "Yeah, it could have been, but... it wasn't." "I had this faint hope that she would show the slightest hint of jealousy." "It shows you how naive I am." "The fact that I was no longer a virgin, that I was a 'made man', so to speak, made no difference to her at all." "You want to go out some time?" "No, I don't think so." "What, your boyfriend?" "No, I'm busy, that's all." "What's wrong with this, anyway?" "We're having a nice time, aren't we?" "It's okay." "Well if you have things to do, I can go to do a walk, if you're busy and come back later." "No no, stay." "Stay." "So come on, tell me." "What kind of a therapist is she, really?" "I told you the first time, she's a sex therapist." "Today they're working on simultaneous orgasm." "What's that?" "Boy, am I glad to see you." "Don't you say that to all the girls?" "Yes, but I always mean it." "Remember about your breathing." "Concentrate on breathing out rather than in." "Mark was able to achieve an erection as soon as I put my mouth upon him." "He did the controlled breathing, as I had suggested, and I was able to get on top and guide him in quite easily." "Is it in?" "Is it really in?" "Yes, it's really in." "I couldn't believe it." "I was finally there." "Too soon, I came." "But she kept holding me inside her." "Then a look of pleasure brushed lightly over her face... as though an all-day itch were finally being scratched." "She put her hands down on the bed by my shoulders and kissed my chest." "This act of affection moved me deeply." "I almost wept." "No one had ever done anything like that." "It was so unexpected... and natural." "I love you." "I love you, too." "Did you come, yeah?" "Yes." "Mark is breathing well and learning to pace himself." "There is no real physical impediment to a variety of sexual activities, given the right sort of partner." "His deeper emotional needs are outside the scope of my potential involvement." "What happens when..." "What happens when what?" "When people become attached to each other." "— What people?" "— Just people." "What's the chemistry of it all?" "When people are attracted to each other." "Are you attracted to me?" "God, no." "We're just talking hypothetically." "Hypothetically... they write poems... they have sex." "And what happens next?" "After poetry and sex?" "Nothing or everything." "The rest is by negotiation, as it were." "What do you mean?" "I mean, you can leave it at love and attraction, or you can make things complicated, like most people do." "Have you?" "Yes." "Then afterwards... there was this... moment." "Τhіѕ glіmрѕе оf thе аwful ѕаdnеѕѕ tо соmе." "Can I use the phone?" "Sure." "Would you call their room." "What shall we do next time?" "Any requests?" "Mark?" "I'm thinking." "We have two sessions left, is that correct?" "That's right, or..." "Or, what?" "Or, we could stop now." "— You mean, make this the last session?" "— Yes." "What do you think we should do?" "It's not we, it's you, Mark." "It's up to you." "I want to know how you feel." "— That doesn't come in to it." "— Yes, it does." "I don't just write poems to anyone." "Mark, what do you want me to say?" "How much I was touched by that?" "How special this has been to me?" "It's not gonna help you, it's gonna make it worse." "So you're saying that..." "the sixth session, that will be it?" "That will be it." "If it's any consolation, it's also hard for me to think about it." "Then maybe we should pull the plug now." "I think we should." "I guess you might as well save that money." "Buy yourself a futon." "Just a second!" "Bye, Mark." "Bye." "Is everything all right?" "He did great." "See you." "I'm sorry, I have to run." "You forgot this." "I wanted to believe that because of Cheryl, my life had changed." "But it hadn't." "I just kept thinking, is that it?" "Is that all there is?" "I think you've done a great thing." "So, is this your first time?" "— It is, I'm converting." "— Oh, wonderful." "Come here, I need to look at your hands, your fingernails, and your toe nails." "So, what do you do?" "— I don't think you'd understand." "— You can try me." "Okay." "I'm a housewife." "— Why shouldn't I understand?" "— Maybe I was mistaken." "Turn around." "And drop your robe halfway, I'm gonna check for any loose hairs on your back." "That looks good, I'll take the robe and you can let your hair down now." "I see you're very comfortable being naked." "Never been one of my problems." "Sometimes new brides come with their mothers." "Do I have to take this off?" "Can I please leave this on?" "They've never been naked before." "No honey, it all has to come off." "— And it does?" "— And it does." "They stand on the edge of that pool with nothing to cling to but themselves." "Nothing to hide behind." "This is your body." "This is the body that God crafted for you." "Okay Mark, you can open your eyes now." "This is your body." "This is your body." "Well, I can do it tomorrow." "The person you are calling is not in." "Please lave a message." "Rod." "I need your help." "The power's gone out, including the pump on the iron lung." "I'd say I've got about three hours before I start to turn blue." "I hope you get this in time." "It's Mark." "I'll try 911." "Shit." "So this is how it ends." "Mark." "Can you hear me, Mark?" "Can you hear me?" "Mark." "Come on now." "They'll be letting you go today." "Whoever looks after you will leave the portable respirator switched on at night, fully charged, so you'll have at least one back-up system." "Okay?" "— Okay." "How close was I?" "To what?" "You know, the— that tunnel thing and the... light, and the voice saying 'don't go near the light'." "Is that what you remember?" "No, I assume I passed out." "But before that, I remember feeling sorry for myself." "— Do you feel relieved now?" "— No." "Relieved that Rod got to me in time, but I... still feel sorry for myself." "Well, I'm sure there's a cure for that, huh?" "Do you wanna talk to someone, or...?" "I feel comfortable talking to you." "Well, I'm... just a volunteer, not a therapist." "I can recommend you to someone if you want." "I'm—I'm sorry to be rude, I'm just smiling at the idea that a therapist could do anything useful for me right now." "My priest couldn't." "Are you religious?" "Yes, I would find it absolutely intolerable not to be able to blame someone for all this." "Are you?" "— No." "I don't go to any church and I don't think about God very much." "I do believe there's a..." "mysterious logic, or... poetry to life." "— I guess that makes me a spiritual type." "— Oh yes." "That would count." "Would you like me to visit you?" "— Are you married?" "— No." "Do you have a steady boyfriend?" "No." "Then please visit as often as you can." "— Bye." "— Bye." "— Take care." "— Hey, hang on a second." "What?" "There's just one more thing I want to tell you." "What's that?" "I'm not a virgin." "Go ahead." "Thank you for sharing that with me." "I'm flabbergasted." "She adores me." "She'll do anything for me, and" "And I can get pretty kinky sometimes." "Here I was, ready to offer comfort to the forlorn." "That's supposed to be my specialty." "Now I guess I'll throw away that little speech." "No, no." "Please make the little speech." "I'd love to hear it." "Okay, fine." "Here goes." "The meaning of love." "Love is a journey." "I like it already." "That's it, that's all of I've got." "I told you it's short." "Love is a journey." "I met Susan five years before I died." "She was the love of my life." "We had the same priorities, baseball pretty much came first, and we wrote each other mushy poems." "I never expected it, nor did she, but that's often the way things turn out." "They say there is a cup of life." "But you see, they're half empty or half full." "depending on how you feel about things." "Of course, the two halves were never even." "Not in my case, that's for sure." "Look at all the years I've had a durable crap I've had to put up with." "That fills most of the cup." "But in the little bit that's left, what do I have to show for myself?" "At the very least, three beautiful women who all loved me, and who will all show up at my funeral." "His was a dynamic voice in a paralyzed body." "A life lived fully long after he should have been dead." "And against all odds by Mark's own admission, he knew love, emotional and physical love." "And in this way, Mark lived his life, day by day by day, breath by breath by breath, for 49 years." "He loved, and he was loved." "And now, Susan Fernbach will read one of Mark's favorite poems." "This is called..." "Love Poem for No One in Particular." "Let me touch you with my words." "For my hands lie limp as empty gloves." "Let my words stroke your hair, slide down your back and tickle your belly." "For my hands, light and free-flying as bricks, ignore my wishes and stubbornly refuse to carry out my quietest desires." "Let my words enter your mind, bearing torches." "Admit them willingly into your being," "So they may caress you gently... within." "— .. within." "Transcript and sync: jcdr v1.0 — 28.01.2012"