"Subtitles by" "MoonGuardianCat" "So it's 6 PM in the night time  which is when I wake up." "This is always really scary part for me." "Yes!" "Night time." "now I'm going to wake up my flat mates." "I really love living in a flatting situation." "Wake up!" "Wake up everyone!" "I like to hang out with other vampires." "I like the company." "Awaken!" "wakey!" "I just really like having a good time with my friends." "Deacon..." "Hi!" "Hey!" "Deacon... last night?" "I transformed into a dog and had sex." "Cool!" "okay?" " Okay." " Okay." " Should I close this?" " Yes." "Vladislav?" "!" "Sorry!" "Sorry!" "What?" " Hey!" " What time is it?" "we're going to have a flat-meeting in about 10 minutes." "20." "Okay... is it..." "So we're in Petyr's room." "I'm just going to wake him up." "Petyr?" "wake up." "listen." "We're just having a flat-meeting upstairs in about 10 minutes." "You don't have to come but I thought I'd extend an invitation to you just in case." "Umm.... and..." "I don't..." "AH!" "yuck!" "maybe  I just should bring a broom down here for you if you wanted to sweep up some of the skeletons." "I don't know." "You know..." "Okay." "I got you this chicken." "Is Petyr coming?" " Should we be worried?" " Petyr's  8000 years old." "We're not going to have Petyr at the meeting." "so..." "Wanted to have a quick chat about flat responsibilities because uh...guys I think that we're not all pulling our weight here." "Deacon." "You're a cool guy but you're not pulling your weight in the flat." "I'm glad to hear that I'm cool." "I know..." "It's not a flat meeting about how cool you are." "you don't!" "that's why we're having the flat-meeting." "The point is Deacon that you have not done the dishes for 5 years." "Vladislav is right." "It's unacceptable to have so many bloody dishes all over the bench like that..." "I'm so embarrassed when people come over here." "Why does it matter?" "!" "You bring them over to kill them!" "Vampires don't do dishes." "Deacon's like the rebellious young vampire." "He's always doing crazy things." "Saying crazy things." "bad boy of the group." "so..." "One day I was  selling my wears..." "And I walked passed this old creepy castle." "and I look at it and think  'very old and creepy.'" "And then this creature  flies at me!" "It dragged me back to this dark dungeon." "And bit into my neck." "And just at the point of death  this creature  forced me to suck its foul blood." "And then... like this." "And hovered above me." "Screeching." "'Now you are vampire.'" "And it was Petyr." "And we're still friends today." "you are great." "You put out the recycling." "Which was really cool." "And! and noticed that there was no dust." "I kind of..." "I kind of swept the hallway." "is just like  this older vampire who grew up in the medieval times." "to be living this long and to have seen the things that he's seen" "hat's off to him." "Bloody hell!" "Sorry!" "He's a really great guy." "A bit a of a pervert." "He has some pretty old ideas about things." "We should get some slaves!" "When I first became a vampire  I was quite tyrannical." "I was known for torturing a lot of people." "This is my torture chamber." "often anymore." "I tempted to torture when I was in a bad place." "I would poke someone with implements." "I was known as 'Vladislav the poker'." "It's been like this the whole time... so..." " Viago is a little  pedantic." "I did that." "on dishes and it's still hasn't moved in 5 years." "He was an 18th century dandy." "he can be very fussy." "He nags and nags..." "The lunch the other day and it was blood all over my nice antique couch." "the red one?" "yah." "If you're going to eat a victim on my nice clean couch put down some newspaper on the floor and some towels." "It's not hard to do." "We're vampires!" "We don't put down towels." "Some vampires do." "not serious ones!" "When you get 4 vampires in a flat obviously there's going to be a lot of tension." "any flatting situation." "starting with a certain Deacon..." "I will do my dishes!" "This is bullshit." "I became a vampire when I was 16." "That is why I always look 16." "life was tough for a 16 year old." "Vampires have had a pretty bad rec." "We're not these mopey old creatures who live in castles." "a lot are... bats." "who like to flat together in really small countries like New Zealand." "I was a Nazi vampire." "which the Nazi's lost... if you know that the Nazi's lost  that war." "after the war and if you were a vampire  and if you were a Nazi vampire..." "No way." "I was out of there." "I came to this country for love." "there was a girl." "Human girl." "And  I  thought she was fantastic." "She was  absolutely amazing." "I was smitten." "Her family emigrated to New Zealand. to hell with it." "I'm gonna go." "I'm going to chase her and tell her how I feel.' 'Send me to New Zealand.'" "He  put the wrong postage on my coffin." "So the whole journey took about 18 months." "she had  found someone else." "She had fallen in love." "And..." "She was married." "She gave me this before she left." "There she is." "I put myself in there too." "She told me in was pure silver." "Unfortunately  we vampires can not wear silver." "Yeah..." "It's about as long as I can wear that." "we are going out into Wellington center." "It is important that we look good." "it's really good." "Yeah." "One of the unfortunate things about not having a reflection is that you  don't know exactly what you look like." "Look!" "A ghost cup!" "Floating all by itself!" "We can give each other feedback and help each other out until we're looking great." "some of our clothes are from victims." "We might bite someone and then... those are some nice pants!" "'." " Do work these?" " NO!" "Change it!" "you become very sexy." "We are trying to attract victims to us." "Not sure about the waist coat." "I go for a look which I call Dead But Delicious." "We are the bait." "But we're also the trap." "ladies." "we are ready to go into town and party!" "Vampire... vampire style." "we must try to blend in." "We are walking the streets." "it's really cool because just for one brief moment" "I feel..." "Homos!" "The trouble with being a vampire is you to go in." "please." "please." "Keep walking." "You invite us in!" "If the humans find out what we were  they would destroy us." "There are between 60 and 70 vampires in the greater Wellington region." " Obvious vampire." " Joline!" "Hello!" "How embarrassing." "He's a guy I used to work with when I was human." "he's gone." "I've been draining him all night." "Been a very thirsty girl." "Being bitten as a little boy or a little girl you always going to look the same age." "What are you doing tonight?" "Going to kill some perverts?" "we're meeting a pedophile." " Cool." "let's just go please." "you have a good night!" "so we could always get in." "It's the hottest night spot for vampires in Wellington." "come on in." " Thank you." "Perhaps you could bring some people to the house." " Sure." " Perhaps some virgins?" "okay." "Any kind of preference in terms of gender or?" "Maybe some ladies?" "Yep." "Ladies." "Perhaps a guy?" "One of each?" "One of each should be cool." "My relationship with Deacon is..." "I'm his familiar." "He's my Master." "I do it." "We have the kind of master-servant relationship which works nicely." "Actually." " Hello!" " Hello." "it's a little bit of blood." "he's a hemophiliac." "someone who bleeds a lot." "Yeah." "Any kind of age range?" "not kids?" "Not kids." "18 to 30?" "Definitely younger than yourself." "so 18 to 30." "So it's a dinner party?" " I'll be there?" " Yes!" " Dinner party." " The guys we'll be there?" "Yes." "we will dress up." "great." " And then... eat them." "great." "I was just wondering if we could talk about the..." "You don't know of a night dentist?" "Because I have this thing here." "I was just wondering if we could talk about the deal." " Hm?" " The deal." "the..." "The deal is that he is going to give me eternal life." "which is  very exciting." "I just feel like I kind of reached my potential and" "I kind of..." "I just feel like I'm the best version of myself that I can be." "It's just that it's been 4 and a half years and I just" "I just want... doing your plans and..." "Doing your dry-cleaning." "Now I'm doing your dishes." "Yeah... the dentist?" "so I was just wondering..." " Be gone!" " Okay." " I see you later!" " Okay." "One of the most unfortunate things about being a vampire is that  you have to drink human blood." "I like to make a real evening of it." "Play some music." "Maybe give them some nice wine." "It's their last moment alive so why not make it a nice experience." "So... what do you... actually." "you are?" "Lets put this over there." "yeah?" "I'm gonna travel." "Yeah... so.." "Saving out and I'm gonna go to Spain and" "Italy and London and..." "Yeah." "Okay." "Excuse me." "Just put that there." "There we go." "Shit!" "that didn't go so great." "I hit the main artery." "um..." "I think she had a really good time." "it's quite late and uh... watching television." "she seems like she'd be a good victim." "I'm just going to use hypnosis on her..." "See me..." "See me... she can't see me from that angle." "Vladislav used to be extremely powerful." "He could hypnotize crowds of people." "Great orgies. 20-30 women." "He could turn into all sorts of animals." "But now he never get the faces right." "women." "Children." "Burning... everything." "It was totally great." "But he suffered a humiliating defeat  at the hands of his arch nemesis  The Beast." "he's never been the same." "See me..." "See me..." "See me..." "See me..." "Would you like to come inside?" "Ah!" "welcome!" "Come in." " Hello." "This is Nick." "Ex-ex boyfriend." " And Josefine." " Nice house." "my over seas friend from Europe." "Deacon and his friends need  victims." "welcome." "There can't be people that  I actually envious them or like because of course they will become victims." "Hi!" "Josefine?" "I sat next to you in English." "Remember?" "you used to call me the Jacksersist?" "no you did." "Yeah." "you started that." "You were the one who started calling me that and then it kind of caught on." "Yeah." "bye then." "Bye." "She's in." "Nick?" "it's nice." "I will go and prepare dinner." "are you a virgin at all?" "what?" "are you a virgin?" "no." "You were a virgin when we were seeing each other?" "I was 12." "You said he was a virgin." "I think we drink virgin blood because  it sounds cool." "I think of it like this..." "If you're going to eat a sandwich.." "You will just enjoy it more if you knew no one had fucked it." "Let's concentrate on Josefine than." "Are you a virgin?" "no." "I'm really sorry." "Because I totally..." "Him there is a Virgin." "I mean..." "I wouldn't." "I would." "Oh." "good." " It's 2 dinners... yum." " Nick." "Do you like bisghetti?" "Uh... yep." "I usually like it." "be better if it was warm?" "this is my favorite trick." "We present our guest with a plate of bisghetti." "' Why don't you eat some bisghetti?" "'" "Nick." "Eat some bisghetti." "I didn't realize you enjoy eating worms." "Nick." " No..." " They are worms." "There's worms moving around on my plate." "Worm like but not actually..." "We stole that idea from The Lost Boys." "But I put a nice twist on it." "Nick." "How does it feel to have a snake for a penis?" "Jackie?" "My penis has disappeared." "It's a cobra snake." "okay?" " Believe me." " What have you put in my bisghetti?" "it is just a normal penis." "I'm out." "I'm out." "Josefine?" "Do you like bisghetti?" "these freaks... make my cock turn into a snake is not cool." "Not cool." "You don't think this is weird?" "For fuck sakes..." "Jackie?" "!" "Jackie!" " Sorry Nick." " What are you doing?" "!" "Jackie!" "Shit!" "Fuck off." "Where am I?" "Fuck." "Fuck!" "Freaks!" "no..." "Petyr got him." "Poor guy..." "Who let Petyr out?" "guys!" "what are you guys doing?" "Nick?" "Come into the house." "guys." "I've been a vampire for 2 months." "I reckon best thing about being a vampire is flying." "I think everyone has always wanted to fly." "And now I can do it." "Oh... why don't you use the front door?" "Why would I?" "I'm flying." "Petyr bit me." "Sucked all my blood out." "I woke up in his basement and  he offered me some blood." "I just thought it was something  some German thing that these guys do." "into becoming a vampire was pretty hard." "I had a massive gash on my neck." "Like you could see the inside of my neck." "I had blood all over my top." "And then I came home and I was sweating." "I was either really hot or really cold." "I reckon." "It was really bad." "It was quite similar to having the flu." "the only difference would probably be  that my eyes bleed heaps." "Are you guys not cold?" "really hot and cold and like  bloody eyes and flying and stuff." "The neighbors can see you flying around the house." "hm?" "You got a whole..." "documentary crew following you around." "I am doing an erotic dance for my friends." "And you ruined it." "I was in the zone." "My friends are loving it." "I love it." "I saw the end of it." "It looked great." "if I'm accepted yet." "But..." "I don't know." "I think it's getting there." "but they're quite naive  when it comes to the real world." "So... it would be cool to just..." "Hang out with them." "They could teach me some stuff." "But I could probably teach them a few things." "like I'm..' '..." "I'm dead.' my family and stuff." "I've got a whole new family." "They accept me for who I am." "They don't even seem to know who they are." "Even though  one of them killed me." "Where should we go tonight?" "Let's go to the big Kumara." "Why don't we go to Boogie Wonderland?" "We never get in to Boogie Wonderland." "My friend Richard's the bouncer." "He can get us in." " What?" "Really?" " I'll invite us in." " Stu is game." " He will come with us too?" "this is my friend Stu." " Hey." " He works in computers and stuff." "Originally he went out with my sister." "And then they broke up." "but..." "It's got nothing to do with me." "And um... he can't hear me." "so basically..." "Stu doesn't know that I'm a vampire." "And he doesn't know that my friends are vampires." "He just thinks that I'm just  with some powerful friends." "I bought a room in the house and he thought I bought a meal." "Just like... really sucks  that I can't eat him." "I just want to like..." "Look at it." "He's the reddest guy I know." "you can hear me." "yeah." "like computers mainly." "Let's have a vote for Boogie Wonderland or The Big Kumara." "Big Kumara!" "Wait." "hurry up." "I don't think Nick should have been turned into a vampire." "He's such a dick." "Looking great man!" "You are most welcome!" "We're in Boogie Wonderland!" "Here we are at Boogie Wonderland and it is so much fun." "This is amazing!" "I'm so happy to be here." "This is pretty cheesy." "did you see the jacket he wore?" "He's wearing the same jacket as me." " It's not exactly the same." " It's pretty close." "I'm just loving being a vampire." "is the big Fat Lady's Arms." "like fear factor competition." "You can win like t-shirts and hats and small prizes." "I can smell werewolves." "we're just about to walk passed some werewolves so some shit might go down!" "Look out guys." "Don't catch flees." "mate?" " Deacon." "keep walking." "mate." "We've got sensitive hearing." " Have you?" " Yeah." "is it?" "We don't want any trouble." "I do." "Have I got your heckles up?" "Huh?" "huh?" " Come on." "It's not worth it." " What are you talking about?" "We don't smell our own crutches." "We smell each others crutches." "And it's a... form of... greeting." "don't..." "What?" "cause I know this guy." "It's count Fagula." "hey!" "Don't swear." " Sorry... they... they..." " We're werewolves." " Not swearwolves." " What are we?" "not swearwolves." "that's offensive..." " That's a really offensive word to call people." "at least you're talking about a bundle of sticks." "this bundle of sticks..." "Werewolves?" "no!" " Don't get it!" "Nathan it's not real." "He's just gonna take of his gloves." "man!" "Why the fuck did you do that for?" "Hey!" "Don't swear." "We're gonna lose it." "We're gonna lose it." "whoa!" " Hey." "Calm down." "Calm down!" " Get the fuck my glasses!" " Dion!" "Dion!" "hey!" "Do the breathing!" "Do the breathing." "mate." "Count to 10." " Come on." " Hold it." "human again." "human again." " It's alright." "It's not full moon." "Thanks a lot guys." "man." "we didn't want this to happen." " Come on guys." " Hey!" "bitch!" "Declan!" "he ride with me..." " Were they actually werewolves?" " Yeah." "Stu?" "I just don't really know how to... cause I never done it before." "and he is a good friend." "And I don't wanna  I don't want to break that friendship but.." "that they're a vampire?" "I'm expecting him to be angry." "to bubble to the surface." "it has been  I've been going through a few changes lately." " Yeah." " Yeah?" "Yeah." "Like..." "I don't show up for lunch anymore." " Yeah." " Have  changed the story of all of Tina's games." "Tina's games." "Right..." "And how you went from beating me every time and how I" "I've won the last 3?" "Yeah." "So..." "The reason I brought you here  is to tell you that  I'm a vampire." "Stu took it pretty well." "He's definitely my best mate." "And I'm not gonna eat him." "But if they ever offer you bisghetti..." "Um.... you shouldn't eat it." "They offered me biscotti." "Vampire mates don't eat human mates." "And no matter how much I want to eat him  I will never eat him cause he's my mate." "Stu?" " Yah." "Yeah." "Stu is great." "We really like him." "At first I wanted to kill him." "But now I'm glad I've spent the time to get to know him." "of course he looks delicious with his big red cheeks." "But we've all got an agreement that we're not going to eat Stu." " Right?" " Right." "they..." "They're loving him." "'Who's this human you're bringing into the house?" "'" "But it took them literally 2 minutes and" "I reckon." "I'm knitting a scarf for Stu." "Try it again." "Use your legs." "Wow." " Step back..." " Punching high." " Yep." " Hi." "Yep." "what I'm trying to say is  cause I know that you  you turned me into a vampire." "Maybe don't do that to him." "He's a... vegetarian." "Last thing he'd want to is eat  a life-being or eat blood or eat meat... get it!" "Quite amazing to see how far technology can go forward if you're not paying attention." "One message received." "There is a crucifix behind you." "half way down and focus it." "Maybe smile." "you..." " Yeah." " You can type your name here." " I've lost  a really nice silk scarf in about 1912." "now Google it." "Stu is the first human friend that I've had for long time." "With humans there's a tendency to die." "Yeah." "We can look at her photos." "oh yes." " Or you can poke her." "Yes." "Can we see a movie with sunrise?" " What?" "Shit!" " Whoo..." "Nice... than we can see pictures of virgins." "yah..." "I don't think she's a virgin if she's doing that." "yeah." "Phillip." "we're gonna call him." " Yeah." "And screen... that's Phillip." " He looks old." "more layers." "have you seen it?" "I'm the main guy in Twilight." "You now the main guy?" "Twilight?" "That's me." "Cameras following me around." "They could have chosen anyone." "How many people have you told you are a vampire?" " Not many." " I heard that girl  talking about that you said you were a vampire." "I told her." " Who else?" " Who did you tell?" "I told her hot friend." "You can't tell everyone that you're a vampire." "Who's that guy?" "I don't know but I told him." "You can't tell everyone." "I've got a bit of an eye condition." "What's wrong with him?" "vampire eyes." "Can't go into the sun." "is that your fangs?" "For real?" "real." "real." "I'm a vampire." " What?" " Yeah." "you're not." " No?" " You fucking piece of shit." "I'll Skype you!" "I float." " I transform into stuff." " Same." " No you can't." " Yeah." "I'll show you." "Show me." "Show me some of your vampire stuff." "What have I got?" "Um..." "Don't lie about transforming into shit." "Nick!" "You're not Twilight." " What's your problem?" " You are my problem." "Telling the world that we are vampires." "And I'll tell the whole world that you're an asshole now." "Shut up!" " Shut up!" " Guys?" "you shut up!" "you shut up." " You shut up." "man!" "You're not Dracula!" " I'm Dracula!" "You don't even know who Dracula is!" "You idiot!" "yah!" "Deacon!" "man!" "man!" "I don't care about your stupid jacket." "man?" "Stu?" " Mm-hm?" "How's your worms?" "Alright." "You're eating worms." "Can you do that shit when you turn them into worms?" "No." "Doesn't work on chips." "Only works on things that already look like worms." " Maybe noodles." "Do you want some noodles?" " He knows now." "Oh no." "I wouldn't eat that." "Why?" "Are you okay Nick?" "Alright?" "He ate fried chip." "great." "I can't sunbath." "I can't watch daytime TV." "or I guess I could." "more then ever just the chips." "My favorite food." "I can't eat chips." "I don't... it's just..." "I hate..." "I said it." "I'm over being a vampire." "It's shit." "don't believe the hype." "Jackie?" "!" "can I come in please?" "children!" " Don't look at the men." " You want me to kill this?" "Don't look at the men!" "I was going to bite you tonight." "Really?" "But now I can't because there's this Nick being a vampire." "I thought you killed him 2 months ago." "I didn't...no... he's a vampire." "What do you mean?" "He jumped in front of your place." "um..." "I would have been..." "I would have been bitten years ago." "I might have to penalize you." "Perhaps another couple of years." "Maybe 10 years." "Hm?" "just biting each others dicks." "it's just  a big homo-erotic dick biting club." "ironing their fucking frills." "please." "It's blood everywhere." "It is gruesome." "see you tomorrow." "please." "Katherine." "She was so charming and nice." "She was everything I wanted." "Unfortunately... she was married." "I wanted to kill the guy." "chopping his head off." "Draining him of every drop of blood that he had." "Who wouldn't?" "I also saw how happy she was." "And that made me kind of happy." "so..." "I did the honorable thing and I just  stepped back." "And let her live her life." "Petyr!" "Petyr!" "Where is it?" "Petyr!" "Petyr!" "Petyr!" "Get water!" " Get out of the sunlight!" " Get water!" "Get water!" "get away from the sunlight!" "Petyr!" "Get out of the sunlight!" "Get out of my way!" "I'm going in!" "I'm coming Petyr!" "it's sunlight!" " I'm coming for you!" "It's sunlight out there!" "It's sunlight!" "It's sunlight!" "I was too late." "Turn that thing off." "Our friend had just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident." "So this is what I think happened." "The vampire hunter  broke into the window here." "Has impacted the table." "Breaking the table leg." "Then he has come this way." "Towards the tomb." "Crucifix!" "Cover the crucifix!" "And then  Petyr has burst from the tomb." "Pushed the tomb lid on to the vampire hunter." "And then the sunlight has come through here." "And burned Petyr alive." "which is  sanded down." "or?" " Yes." "stuck in your..." "Nick." "here's our sweet Petyr." " Fucking hell." " Burnt to a sizzle." " I can't figure out this." " This is the vampire hunter." "Is this Franco?" "who's this guy?" " Look at this... back to front." "the other way!" "Let's see who this guy is." "typical macho type." " Yuck!" "It is." "shit!" "I know that guy." " Actually." " You know him?" " Yeah." " What?" "I saw him the other night in town." "Told him I was a vampire." "What?" "!" "I thought he was joking." "He said he was a vampire hunter." "You let a vampire hunter into our house?" " I just gave him my e-mail." " Nick!" "Take out your tongue." "And shove it down your ass." "Fucking hell!" "You and your big mouth!" "It was a mistake!" "Get up and stand on this ceiling like a man." "man?" "mate!" " I'll kill you!" " I'm already dead!" "stay back!" "Someone's at the door." "go." "go." "shit." "police." "I'm constable O'Leary." "This is constable Minogue." "We're just responding to a report of a possible forced entry and also  a rather large amount of shrieking." "wondering maybe we could come in and just have a wee look around?" "Okay." "What's with the fellow?" "What's with the camera?" "we're obviously just here cause there was a phone call about a bit of disturbance." "some loud noises." "wasn't there?" " Um... so..." "We're just checking over the scene." "Making sure every thing's uh... uh... that kind of thing." "if that's alright with you?" "you lead the way." " Just a little tour." "Yeah." "Okay." "mate." " Yeah." "What do you call that?" "Barbecue." "You will not notice anything out of the ordinary." "we certainly hope not." "Let's just..." "Lets just keep going." " Hi there guys." "How are yah?" " Hello." "Hi fellas." "We've just wondering where all the shouting was coming from?" "That was me." "okay?" "A couple of people not happy with the level of noise here." "Okay." "The neighbors?" "You got neighbors on either side." "Feeling nervous." "I've hypnotized those cops." "I'm not a great hypothesizer so it could wear off any second." "I really hope that those guys don't kill those police because then this means more police will come." "Possibly even Christians which is totally the last things we need in this house." "I can see you're having a good time." "End of the day... okay?" "whoa..." "See what I'm seeing?" "Is that even ok?" "You're joking?" "Not a smoke alarm in sight." "mate?" "Rule number 1:" "Smoke detectors." "Okay." "Rule number 2: maybe not so many barbeque's inside." " Sorry fellas." " Okay." "ain't it?" "What kind of marinade?" "Who's this guy?" "Um..." "It's a friend who came to our party." "you're alright?" " He's drunk." " That's what I thought." "Drunk guy." "okay?" "This guy's not having a good time." "He's gonna feel terrible tomorrow morning." "so... where is his blanket?" "Who left the concrete on?" "you can move him there?" " It's definitely not going to be comfortable." "I think I've seen enough." " Okay." " Hang on a minute." "What have we got here?" " What is that?" " This?" "this?" " Are you seeing this clearly as I can?" "mate." "That's a flammable." "And then you got a lamp on top of that." "Directly underneath the power source." " That is quite bad." " It's very bad." "And no smoke detectors again are there?" "there are." "that's good." "Lots to think about guys." "yeah." "just..." " ... have a bit of dialogue about it." " Okay." " They've got a really good point." " Wait!" "Let's kill them." "let's just see what other safety..." " Stay here and then maybe we'll..." " Yeah. of Wellington." "Read the charges." "Problems we have with Nick." "Number 1:" "You brought a human into our house." "Stu is okay though?" "so I guess we'll just  cross that one out." "Uh..." " Thank you Stu." " Thank you Stu." "So..." "The new number 1:" "Nick's been telling people he's a vampire." "That in turn resulted in  an unwanted visit from a vampire hunter." "Crime number 2:" "Nick." "The vampire hunter who killed Petyr." "That's..." "I actually should've..." "that should have been crime number one but we wanted to build up to that." "Number 3:" "Deacon doesn't like that your wear the same jacket as him." "And he would like you to find your own original style." "For these crimes of which we the vampire council find you guilty  you should be banished from our flat." "Indefinitely." " Indefinitely?" " Indefinitely." "So I can come back?" "indefinitely means that there is no end." "I thought that there was no... indefinite means that it's not a definite thing." "but it's long." "it could be 6 months." "it is not tomorrow!" " You get about at least 6 moths." " Banished!" "You are banished." "you can visit if you like." "Thank you." "For your crimes  you will be made to suffer  the procession  of shame." "I asked them not to pass that sentence." "We should do this immediately." " In my opinion." " You didn't ask." "You didn't ask." "You were saying yes." "this is what's going to happen." "I still think it's quite extreme." "Let us do the procession of shame." "Now." " Shame." " Shame!" "Shame." "Shame." "Shame!" "Shame!" " Shame." " Bad vampire!" "Shame." "Should we go Stu?" "Bye Stu." "That was a shame." "So today we have an invitation." "To the big event of the year." "Breaking it open." "They have burned the edges." "doesn't it?" "'Dearly departed...'" "That's us." "'The Wellington vampire association in conjunction with the lower-hat-vampire-witch club and the Kurory-zombie society invite you to attend The Unholy Masquerade on the night of the 6th of June  starting at 6 PM.'" "yeah..." "The Unholy Masquerade of course is great time for the undead community of Wellington." "all having a dance together." "It's all a big deal for me." "Love it." "One year I went to The Unholy Masquerade dressed as" "Whoopi Goldberg from Sister Act  1 and Sister Act 2:" "Back in the Habit." "Didn't go down so well because she was a nun." "Vampires don't like nuns." "Of course the big deal of The Unholy Masquerade is that every year they announce the guest of honor." "And...um..." "I don't know if I should be saying this but..." "I heard a little rumor that the guest of honor this year  might be me." "The location... where is it?" " Where's the location?" "Detrol of Despair." "And the guest of honor will be..." "Who is it?" "Show me." "Hm." "Okay." "Okay." "that's fine." "That's fine." " Okay?" "Vladislav  has  just had a reaction to the information that the guest of honor will be  um..." "The Beast." "The darkest part of my mind is reserved to The Beast." "We can tell you a thing or two about The Beast." "You should pray that you never have to see The Beast." "This one is called The Beast." "Beast!" "'" "He may have told you some stories about his great battle with The Beast." "'I fought The Beast on a cliff.'" "Oh... 'I fought The Beast in a swamp.'" "'One time I fought The Beast in the toilettes of a night club.'" "Difficult battle." "I hope you never see The Beast." "The Beast." "You can't go the the ball as Blade." "He's a vampire hunter." "but vampires love Wesley Snipes." "It's inappropriate. or the Black Leather with the Dragon Belt?" "just..." " What do you want with me?" " Just look at the pants Vlad!" "Look at the pants!" "Enough with the pants!" "man!" " Holy shit!" "you look terrible." "The black pants." "Thank you." "Get dressed!" "really." "You don't look that great but if you eat someone on the way..." "If you ate a little bit?" " You could probably wear a mask or something." "Just leave me to do my dark biding on the Internet!" "What are you biding on?" "I'm biding on a table." " Are you coming or not?" " Not." "I'm gonna go change." "We're leaving in 10 minutes." "Have a good time!" "without giving into that kind of... stuff which I'm really sick of that but you know... it's a hard frustration... takes people down." "um... how are you?" "Hi." " Hi." " Less moaning guys." "So we are at The Unholy Masquerade." "It's great." "This is my mask." "Which I made for the occasion." "Hey!" " Jackie." "Yeah!" "I'm a vampire." "You...?" "I'm a vampire." "I'm a vampire!" "yeah." "Nick." " Oh great." " Yeah." "Okay." "Deacon!" "because she was my  servant." "She was a pretty useless servant." "it would have been  appreciated if you'd asked..." "How's Stu?" " He's good." "He's here." "his here?" " Stu!" "STU!" "hey!" "Hey!" "at all?" "no..." "Can you hear me at the back?" "On behalf of the Wellington vampire society... with lower-hat vampire and witch club." "we welcome you here tonight." "you could see the prize over here on my left." "It's a wonderful prize." "I thinks it's a 10 dollars each or 45 dollars for a book of five." "it's my very great pleasure to introduce to you this years guest of honor." "Pauline Ivanovich!" "Thank you." "That's The Beast." "Thank you." "the name I gave to my ex-girlfriend Pauline." "She prefers Pauline." "We had a very intense relationship." "We were very  sexually explosive." "she impelled me and called me an asshole." "She said  all kinds of things that really hurt me." "And all this while I was impelled on a lamp post." "I will be mingling around and I really hope that  I will meet  all of you." "Hello." "That's the new guy." "what kind of vampire... if he is a vampire." "Did you see his face?" "Oh... oh." "how are you?" " This is Deacon." " Hello Deacon." " This is Stu." " Good day Stu." " How are you my friend?" " Good." "Hi." "Stu." "You got really warm hands too." "You a demon?" "he's not a demon!" " I'm a software analyst." "Stu..." " Am I a witch?" "with anyone." "take your time." "or a zombie..." " Am I a witch?" " He's not... he's uh... more of a human." "hey." "Nick..." "Do you mind if Stu is killed?" "I don't feel real good about it." "a..." " ... a personal question?" " Sure." "um.... are you predeceased?" "Uh... we're passed it." "They can just go fuck themselves." "Nick!" "It is your fault." "Okay?" "You brought a human into this den of vampis nest." "you did." "I've got to shout off now." "See you later on." "it's a frenzy!" "we've got to get him out." "follow me." "sorry guys." "Stu." "Put that over your red face." "hey!" "not that way." " This way." " This way." " Is there another way?" " Get away from the vampires." " Guys..." "Excuse me everyone!" "Can I have your attention please." "Some of the vampires forget Unholy Masquerade rules." "They brought a human." "And they don't let us to feast on him." "This was a total misunderstanding." "and this actually pertains to you... but it did not specify..." " Okay." "look..." " If it could be a human or if it could be werewolf or... but he could be a vampire hunter for all we know." "'I've got them all under one place come on over." "We'll have a vampire barbecue!" "' he's not doing that." "How do we know that?" "look at him!" "tell them what you do." "Come on Stu!" "Tell us what you do." "Come on." "Stu." "man." "louder!" "I work in..." " I can't hear..." " Louder." "they cannot hear you." "my name is Stu." "I'm a software analyst." "I work for a geographic information system company." "what is it?" "I work for a company that does basically we take like business requirements from organizations." "Then we analyze those requirements and then we build software to fit those requirements." "He is a virgin." "He is a virgin!" " I can smell a virgin of a thousand paces." " Go on then." "Take your thousand paces and smell yourselves!" "I can't wait till you moan them." "There should be no eating of the human." "Who are you all of a sudden?" "You have forgotten your former lover." "So quickly." "Georgie?" "not... 5-years Saturday." "No." "Wait a minute." "Just one moment." "No... take it away..." "Hello Beast." "Hello asshole." "don't call me asshole!" " Don't call me  Beast." "This is Vladislav." "This is me ex-boyfriend." " This is absolutely the same." "that's..." " ... personal business." " Yeah." " Nice to meet you asshole." " This is my lover." "You will not feast on the blood of the human known as Stu." "this is a human and this is the rules and what is cameras doing here?" "what is this?" "They're making a documentary on... you don't go bringing your bloody cameras into everything." "You will not eat Stu and you will not eat the camera guy." "with you at the moment." "whoever the hell they are." "We're gonna eat the human being." "alright?" "Now back off!" "And let my misses get her way." "there's nothing I can do about it?" "what about this?" "rip his head off." "What do you want?" "!" "Vampire fight!" "Get him Vladislav!" "Rip his head off!" "He's killing him!" "It is forbidden for vampires  to kill a vampire." " What the f..." " Medic!" "What?" "love?" "Get out!" "We should probably go Stu." " Pauline." " Asshole!" "Perfect." " That was very... how we both..." " He's a murderer!" "equally destroyed that guy!" "but it was more Stu with the giant stick!" "I hope this doesn't make this awkward for you and The Beast." "I think it's opened up new possibilities." "no." "Here we go again." "Stu!" "STU!" "Stu... stop!" "listen!" "You smell that?" "This way." "Werewolves." "huh?" " Piss off." " Keep walking." "Don't hassle us tonight." "There has been no hassle here." "let it stay that way." "Keep chaining yourselves up!" "where's your track suite pants?" "It was washing night." "My misses couldn't wash them cause there was too much blood on them." "When your legs expand they go into the track suit." " Oh!" " Those jeans are gonna rip completely!" "guys?" "that tree's far too thin!" "Look at it!" "It's like a branch!" "You don't know how big you get when you transform!" "That's the wrong tree for you." "I've... you've forgot the combination." "Why did you get a combination lock?" "I lost my key last time." "is it?" " Fuck off to a tree." " Hey!" "not swearwolves. alright?" "I'm getting stressed out." "I was just reminding you." "Stop talking and chain yourself up you dickhead!" "we're transforming." "we'll keep walking." "keep walking." "By the way I find that offensive!" " We'll keep walking." "Is it fur?" "for crying out loud." "okay?" "man." " You're wearing fur." "Declan!" "shit!" "get out of here." "Take your humans!" "he's gonna go first!" "Get out of here!" "Take all your coats off if you want to keep everyone!" "Take that army service jacket off..." "Get that camera out of my face!" "let's go." "Come on!" "RUN!" "let's go!" "guys!" " Shit!" "I got one!" "My leg!" "My leg!" "God!" "Stu!" "Stu!" "STU!" "Stu!" "Get off me!" "are you alright?" "!" "Stu!" "Stu!" "fuck!" "Fuck off!" "Get off me!" "You stinky piece of assholes!" "Stupid werewolves!" "Look away Nick!" "Don't look at their blood!" "Stu!" "He's a really good dude!" "Leave him alone!" "It's too late for him!" " Don't look at the blood Nick!" " Stu!" "There he is." "He's probably still a little upset having seen his best friend disemboweled by werewolves." "Nick!" "I found you." "Whoa!" "heh?" "But this is what happens when you are a vampire." "You have to watch everyone die." "You're mother and father." "All your friends." "Sometimes brutal." "Like slipping and falling onto a giant spike." "Or falling asleep. block your wind pipe. and being attacked by ducks." "Geese." "Swans." "Or simply dieing of old age." "But even old age is brutal." "Watching your friends  grow old." "They can't piss." "And they say stupid things and their brains go and they can't remember anything." "they can't even remember who you are." "And you wish they were dead." "And then they do die." "No." "If I know Stu  this was probably the way he wanted to go." "Disemboweled by werewolves. splat onto the trees." "His face torned to shreds." "I hope I made you feel better." "from what we could see in the beginning it looks like there's been a bit of a dog attack." "you know... dangerous dogs." "not being looked after." "This is not good." "not good at all." "then being... more than just one." "more frequent." "okay?" "Specially not the dogs." "Certainly not the community." "I've got the bastard." "hey?" "That's what I'm talking about." "Look at it." "this dog is gonna have to be put down." "What a shame." "Look what you did." "Hey?" "hasn't he?" "He wants to go again." "He's not finished." "Yeah." "They say that vampires hearts are cold and dead." "Definitely dead." " Bye Stu." " He would have loved his scarf." "knit." "But I don't know." "I think I still feel things inside it." "Deacon!" "Deacon!" "wakey." "Hey!" "You don't sleep in here." "The curtain's opened." "It's nearly morning." "You want to get sizzled to a crisp." "you could think a little about these things." "Okay." " Sorry Viago." " It's okay." "night!" "Okay." "Received at 4:20 AM:" "Deacon." " Stu!" " How is it?" "Good to see you." "Look at his face!" "I saw them tear you to shreds!" "Look!" "He looks like Seal!" "They didn't kill me." "thank you." "Meet some of our friends." "Deacon." "Anton." "I must have blacked out. - an ambulance." " He's going into shock." "O'Leary." "O'Leary!" "coming!" "mate." " Calm down." "doesn't it?" "woke up." "And it was daytime." "And I couldn't find my clothes." "Those werewolves guys  eventually found me." "lent me some pants." "those guys have been supporting me." "Cause I was quite confused. turned me into a werewolf." "You knit your own jersey?" "yeah?" "or?" "you know... this is a nice place." "don't lick anything or  pee on anything." "we thought they are just going to urinate on everything.'" "But they actually are really polite and pretty clean. which permeated the entire house for the first half an hour." "But we opened some windows and got rid of that." "' I thought." "No way." "walking into the vampire's den." "That's ludicrous." "That's my hand." "we'll give it a shot." "so I made the call." "I'm the alpha male." "generally  all of the other guys follow me." " For Stu!" " For STU!" "Thanks guys." "What have you done to your face?" "I got attacked by some werewolves." "Army is a werewolf." "Seemed like a very nice person." "Katherine is a vampire now." " Yes." " We decide to get together." "you know." "What have we got to lose?" "and I recognized him." "It was wonderful." "And then I bit you on the neck." "That's right." "And I don't mind being a vampire." "I'm enjoying it." "Some people freak out a bit about the age difference. for times her age.'" "I don't care..." " It doesn't make any difference." "who cares." "I decided to bite her and we're gonna be together forever." " Wonderful." " Yeah." "Pauline and I are tentatively back together." "But it's not long before you remember why it was we broke up in the first place. and I need that totally boarded up or blacked out somehow." "My husband is my familiar." "there has been a dynamic shift there." "You could buy a Bedazzler." "So you write that down." "That's B-E-D..." "I feel like I'm where I need to be now." " I love you." " I love you too." "Great." "But I am your Master." " Okay?" " Yeah." "right guys?" "Yeah!" "That is a good one." "I always look round to make sure they're all laughing." "'Hey!" "' and often I'll test you." "Justin?" " Hey?" " What are you laughing at now?" "but what?" "I don't know." "test failed!" "Test failed!" "You're laughing now." "What are you laughing at now though?" "I don't know cause... another failure!" "what are you laughing at Stu?" "I was laughing with the group." "yeah." "Just pay attention." "Pay attention." "Laugh with the group. of what you have just seen." "You will forget  the contents of this movie." "Subtitles by" "MoonGuardianCat"