"Beautiful" "Now you do me" "Hey, Prancer" "Hey, Vixen" " Hey, Blitzed" " Hi" "Oh, good, just in time" "Can I put the star on?" "I wanna put the star on can I put the star on?" "Cause I got a really good one this year" "Now the other ornaments have something to aspire to" "Yes, look at it there" "Shining like a beacon of unemployment" "So, Wilma, now that you've gotten rid of the old ball and chain got any Christmas Eve plans?" "Oh, yeah" "I'm gonna spend the whole evening by myself" "Yeah." "I'm gonna string cranberries around the tree, get in my jammies and watch every version of A Christmas Carol ever made" "And which one do you think you'll be watching when you kick the chair out from under you?" "Hey, there's a difference between being alone and being lonely" "I... am lonely" "Honey, why don't you join Jackie and me in my suite at The Palace Hotel, huh?" "It's gonna be a real old fashioned Christmas" "The stockings will be hung by the chimney with care" "And I'll be stinking drunk" "And then at midnight we're going to crawl into bed and wait for the sound of hooves on the rooftop" "No, honey Rosie's not invited" "So what do you say?" "And pass up my annual screening of Ebbie, starring Susan Lucci as the definitive female Scrooge?" "Yeah, I'll be there at 6:00" "Maybe we should invite Grace and Leo" "Oh, I already invited them" "What?" "!" "Before me?" "No!" "Come on, crazy!" "After I invited you!" "Geez" "Gosh" " Hey hey!" "Hey" " Merry Christmas!" " Come on in!" " Grace and Leon!" " Yeah" " Hey, feliz navi-dude" " Hey" "We just came by to try some of your famous Christmas cookies" "Grace has been talking about 'em all week" "Oh, I don't bake those till tomorrow" " See ya" " Wait" "Will, we brought you something for your tree" "What?" "I thought you were against the whole tree thing 'cause you're Jewish" "Well, it's your place now" "I'm not gonna impose my beliefs on you" "Oh....." "A star of David" "What?" "Who is this David?" "He's completely stolen my idea" "We got it as a wedding gift" "Next Christmas you're getting a Seder plate" "Um, Karen, you know, I know we told you a couple of weeks ago we were going to your thing at The Palace, but" "A couple of weeks ago!" "After you" "But we're not gonna be able to make it 'cause we got tickets The Nutcracker" "I am so jealous!" "How did you get tickets for Christmas Eve?" "I've been calling every day since June" "That information does not leave this room" "You know, it's kind of ironic, actually" "I treated a guy who took a puck to the groin during a pick-up hockey game and he gave me two tickets to The Nutcracker" "Yeah, it'd be even more ironic if the ballet were called "Crap, Now I Can't Have Kids."" "Okay, you guys are you ready?" "On the count of three One" "I don't know about this" " Two" " Really, guys" "Three!" "Merry Christmas, New York!" "That was fun!" "I'm glad I put a bow on it was a more festive message" "Hey, we got a nibble" "Some loser across the way spending Christmas in his bathrobe's checking us out" "Hey, look!" "He's hot and he's waving" "Come on, let's put up our stockings before Santy gets here" "What?" "I made it myself" "My home ec teacher said I was a needlepoint prodigy" "In fact, I was the only guy to have a piece in the statewide needlepoint competition" "Well, the only guy who's still a guy" "He's here Santa's here!" "Hey, you're not Santa Claus" "Close, though" "You got a couple of white hairs sprouting' outta your chin and you look like you just came down the chimney" "We'd make a good team" "Your nose is so red you could guide my sleigh tonight" " Merry Christmas, honey" " You too, babe" "Hi, G!" "Hey, Kare, come help me stretch out my stocking" "I don't want Santa to think I have small feet" "What's going on?" "I thought you'd be on your way to The Nutcracker" "Leo got beeped." "All the Jewish doctors have to be on call for Christmas" "In other words, all the doctors have to be on call for Christmas" "So... ?" "How would you like to come with me to The Nutcracker" "I can't." "I've got plans with Jack and Karen" "Ditch 'em." "Come on" "I'm having fun I'm wearing a bow under here" "Come on, come on it's The Nutcracker" "You have loved this story ever since you were a little kid" "I know." "I used to go to sleep in my suit the night before" "I'd get up the next morning and spend two hours getting my hair just right" "How nobody knew" "Okay, tick-tock" "No, I can't." "I'm having fun" "I respect them too much to do that to them" "Oh, look, I think he's coming!" "I see Santa's crack!" "I'll get changed" "Oh, that was intense!" "What was that smell?" "That was not just B.O That was B-O-My-God!" "What was the scent that air freshener?" "Onion and feet?" "Hey, Will." "Hey, Grace" "Hey, Steve." "What are you doing?" "Going to see the ballet I have a date" "Ooh, good for you" "It's my mom" "Oh...." "Well, that can still be fun" "I don't think she's gonna show" "Between you and me..." "I love my husband but I'm glad he's not here" "I wouldn't want to spend tonight any other way" "Grace!" "Leo!" "Hi" "What happened?" "It turns out they just beeped me 'cause they wanted to know if they could eat the sesame noodles I left in the fridge" "I threw a big fit last time 'cause somebody ate my lemon Yoplait" "Had my name on it and everything" "Let's go to the show" "Yay!" "Oh" "So this is weird" "Leo just showing up and us having only two tickets" "I suppose you want me to" "Would you mind?" "No." "It's Christmas" "Consider it my gift to you" "Although you will have to give back the other gift I gave you" "I'm serious" "Get in there, Have fun" "Thanks, Will" "You're a prince" "The next holiday is yours" "New Year's" " Well, no" "Valen" "Ok." "I have three words for you you, me" "Purim" "Oh, Jackie, look at all this food" "We are so blessed" "I know." "There are poor people who dream their whole lives of a meal like this" "Honey, I know what we should do" "Let's take a picture of us eating and show it to them" "Wow, Karen, you are like a female Jesus" "Oh, great, the food's here" "I'm gonna clean up get in my robe" "Tie my boys in a bow and I'll be ready" "What the hell are you doing here?" "What are you talking about?" "I've been here the whole time" "I thought I could have fooled one of you with that" "Leo showed up Is that eggnog?" "Hey, hey, Rudeness Giuliani!" "You can't just use us, toss us aside and then waltz back in here and expect us to forgive everything" "We are not sleeping together" "Yeah, take off, Mary There's no room at the inn" "All right, look I shouldn't have left" "I really was having a good time And I want to be here now." "Please?" "Yeah" "Okay, we will consider letting you back in but you're gonna have to work for it" "What do I have to do?" "Pleasure us!" "Fast and nasty" "And extra points if you can find a way to work in that shoeshine mitt" "There isn't a mitt big enough" "Yeah" "Okay" "Option B. You must recite 'Twas the Night Before Christmas to us" "Well, I can do that" "But you must substitute every fifth word with the word "heinie."" "And give a little kick like a Rockette" "'Twas the night before heinie" "And all through the heinie" "Not a creature was...heinie" "Not even a mouse" "Heinie" "Ow!" "I love that we got hot buttered rum It's so Christmassy" "Yeah." "It's the perfect little $80 treat before seeing The Nutcracker" "Cheers" "What the hell is this crap?" "I know...." "It tastes like warm rum with butter in it." "Ugh" "I'm so glad we came early so we could soak up the Christmas feeling" "I just love looking at the little kids all dressed up sharing a special night with their family" "Peter, I swear to God You poke her one more time and the next book you'll be reading is" "Harry Potter and the Forty-Five Minute Spanking" "Can I have a hot buttered rum?" "I should warn you, they're awful" "I don't care" "Hopefully, Santa can swing by Child Services" "Aw, damn it." "Sweetie I got some bad news." "Someone's trying to break into your pants?" "No, no." "It's Mrs. Schuler" "And I gotta go because she's having kidney failure" "Christmas Eve?" "Doesn't she have two kidneys?" "One of them's given up, and the other one's living with her sister in Florida" "You gonna be okay?" "Yeah." "I'll meet you home later" "Okay." "I'll bring you something from the hospital." "You like gauze?" "Bye" "Hey, Grace You alone?" "Oh, um..." "I think I am Did your mom ever show?" "Yeah." "Too bad, otherwise you and I coulda hooked up" "You do know I'm married?" "So was my ex-wife but it didn't stop her" "Oh, I am full I cannot drink another bite" "I think I ate too much, too" "I'm gonna have to undo the bellhop's pants" "Now don't poop out on me we still have to go caroling" "You gotta be kidding I'm stuffed" "If I open my mouth to sing half a bird would fly out" "Honey, this is The Palace We don't have to go out to carol" "Come in!" "Here's the ice you asked for" "Oh, yes, just put it right over here, bellman" "Good king Wenceslas looked out on the feast of Stephen" "When the snow lay roundabout deep and crisp and even" "Just the boys!" "Brightly shone the moon that night though the frost was cruel" "When a poor man came inside Gathering winter fuel..." "Thank you, bellman That'll be all" "Tha-thank you" "Oh, isn't that fun?" "'S open!" "Problem with the heater?" "Oh, yes, electrician The dial's on 74, but we'd like it on 73" "Huh, yeah?" "Just... hear..." "those..." "Sleigh bells jingling ding-ding-dingling too" "Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you" "Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling yoo-hoo!" "All done!" "Thanks, honey" "How 'bout that?" "You know, this is a lot like the first Christmas" "Except we did get a room, none of us are virgins and instead of the baby Jesus we have a plate of cheeses" "Hello?" "Hey" "Hey, listen Leo got beeped again" "So great news you get to be my date again" " Turndown service" " Hold on a second, I'll get it" "Come, they told me-- pa rum pa pum pum..." "So, can you be here in like ten minutes?" "'Cause they're blinking the lights" "No, you can't keep doing this to me" "Pa rum pa pum pum..." "But you love The Nutcracker" "You've loved it since you were a kid You've been calling for tickets since June" "Hey, hey, hey!" "I said that was not to leave the room!" "We're on an unsecured cell phone here" "Oh, it's The Nutcracker, Will" "Remember your childhood?" "The beautiful music the magical story the funny feeling you got in your pants every time the tin soldiers lifted each other?" "I do love a toy in uniform" "But, no, I can't, no, It's snowing again I'll never get a cab" "Then run, Will Run through the snow" "Run to The Nutcracker Run to that stirring in your pants!" "I'll be there as fast as I can" "Guys, listen" "Oh, What?" "You're ditching us again?" "I'm sorry" "Okay, this one's gonna cost you, Wilma." "Jackie" "In order for us to forgive you you'll perform the following task" "You must sing the "Twelve Days of Christmas."" "I can do that" "As the Count from "Sesame Street."" "On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me" "That's one, one day!" "Oh, Will, you made it." "Thank you thank you, thank you, thank you" "Better thank me It's freezing out there" "I ran past the Zoo, and two polar bears were fighting over a pashmina" "God, I love you for doing this And tonight is all about you and me" " Grace!" " Leo!" "Oh, come on!" "What are you doing here?" "I got another doctor to cover for me" "You have to make out with his wife at the New Year's party and let him videotape it but I made it" "Will, what are you doing here?" "I'm going to The Nutcracker What are you doing here?" "I am avoiding an awkward situation by going to go pee pee" "Well, here it comes Go ahead, blow me off" "You know you're gonna do it" "Will" "I can't believe you're blowing me off!" "I changed my plans for you not one time but two times tonight" "One, two, two times Damn!" "It's gonna be stuck in my head till New Year's" "How could you?" "I don't know what else to do" "Is this how it's gonna be from now on?" "When he can't make it to something, I'm expected to show up." "The moment he's back, I'm out?" "Will, when you say it like that you make it sound like..." "You understand exactly what's happening" "I'm sorry, but he's my husband" "Look, I knew things were gonna change when you got married, okay?" "I just never realized that--that-- that things were gonna change when you got married" "Enjoy the show" "Hey, you guys work it out?" "'Cause, you know I could go read the playbill and count the male dancers who thank their partner, "Ted."" "You know what, sweetie?" "I'm sorry, but I've already made plans with Will" "Oh..." "I didn't know that you were coming back" "I sort of pulled him out of his Christmas plans, so I...." "Hey, it's okay I understand" "Hey, you better hurry up it's starting" "You don't want to miss the almonds and pecans battling for the City of Macadamia" "I have no idea what this show's about" "Thanks, hon Okay, come on" "Have fun" "Hi." "Just out of curiosity how come your hot buttered rums are so bad?" "Just forget it." "I'll take another one" "Leo This isn't right" "You should be in there with your wife Go on in" "You made a sacrifice to be here, you go" " You go" " No, you" "Leo, look" "I'm just gonna have to accept that things are different now that you and Grace are married" "I can deal with it now or I can deal with it later" "I might as well deal with it now" "Yeah..." "You don't wanna see it, do you?" "Please don't make me" "I mean, I'm in there five seconds and the toys start to come to life" "Man, the toys come to life?" "I know." "It was great when I was a kid but as an adult you think "That couldn't happen!"" "Please, go in there" "No, I ain't watching no dancing toys You go" "Well, we can't just leave Grace alone Somebody's gotta sit with her" "Hey, guys My mom got a better offer" "Looks like I'm flying solo" "Oh, the weather outside is frightful but the fire is so delightful and since we've no place to go" "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow" "Oh, it doesn't show signs of stopping and I've got some corn for popping" "The lights are down way down low" "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow"