"Thank you for showing me how to do this." "You are really good at it." "As a boy, I would practice with my imaginary friend." "A stern but loving German housekeeper." "Boy, I hope people don't talk." "You know, 'cause the sheets are between us." "Instead of us being between the sheets." "Which is something people would talk about." "Can you imagine?" "I haven't." "Oscar, how many times have I told you...?" "Don't..." "Don't." "Okay, what happened?" "I'll tell you what happened." "I'm being audited by the IRS." "Oh, no." "From five years ago..." "I mean, what the hell?" " Well, maybe..." " I'll tell you what the hell." "Somebody's got it out for me." "Probably some government lackey who's trying to make a name for himself by bringing down a big celebrity." "Me." "Oh." "Uh, Oscar, you and your ex-wife filed jointly that year." "You're gonna have to go down there with her." "Felix?" "Hey, you know what might distract him?" "Show him your folding trick." "I'm not in the mood for your sheet right now." "Oscar, it's gonna be just fine." "You know what, I made a cherry pie; get yourself a piece." "My God, what have I done?" "What do you mean?" "I think there is the slightest chance that I might possibly bear the tiniest amount of responsibility for this." "I don't understand why the IRS would call me in." "My tax return is above reproach." "Uh, give me a second to find your case." "Oh, it's a case." "Is it the case of the conscientious citizen?" "Because that's what I am." "Meanwhile, as you vultures persecute the innocent, your average Joe Sixpack is rounding off numbers and fudging receipts, and no one looks at him twice." "I'm not familiar with, uh, Mr. Sixpack." "It's a figure of speech." "I was actually thinking about my roommate." "I keep saying to him, "One of these days, they're gonna get you, Oscar Madison!"" "He just laughs." "Well, who's laughing now?" "I guess it's still him." "Okay, found your return." "Looks like we need your signature." "What?" "You just forgot to sign it." "Oh." "Silly me." "Hey, sorry about the whole vultures thing." "I'm sorry that I got my dander up." "Guess this case is closed." "Uh, hold on." "Uh, this Oscar Madison, he's your roommate?" "Can I contact him at this address?" "Hmm?" "Oh." "No." "Uh, you can't, because he moved." "And changed his name." "And his sex." "Goes by Rhonda now." "Rhonda Pencil-Cup." "Good day!" "Oscar is gonna blow his top when he finds out this is my fault." "Who says he has to find out?" "Well, because I know myself." "I have no choice but to clear my conscience." "There is nothing stronger than the Unger integrity." "Oscar?" "What?" "There's ice cream, too." "Help me go through these receipts before Gaby gets here." "Did we discuss business at Cafe Bistro?" "Yeah, that's where we negotiated your last contract." "And then did we continue that discussion while enjoying drinks and exotic dances at The Jiffy Boob?" "Yeah, that's where you signed the contract." "Remember?" "Cinnamon let us use her back as a table." "It's her." "Hi, Felix." "Gaby, you look radiant." "It's mostly rage, but thanks." "Well, hello, Oscar." "Hey, Gab." "So where are we on the hugging situation?" "Well, since I want to murder you right now, the thought of touching you makes me sick." "Wow, it's like you never left." "Hey, Teddy, you look great." "Tell Diane that." "She keeps leaving gym memberships under my pillow." "Oh, look, 60% of my money is hugging." "Wow, so this is what our apartment looks like without the mess." "Felix, you worked wonders." "Thank you." "I've done a lot of cleaning in my life, but this... this was my Everest." "Well, I guess we're all experts at cleaning up Oscar's messes, aren't we?" "Isn't that why I'm here?" "You are aware I had other things to do today." "Yes, I hear there are some people out there who still feel good about themselves." "Oh, it's so nice to see you two back together again." "Really makes me appreciate my boring, stable marriage." "By the way, never write that on an anniversary card." "I'll go get my tax records and be right back." "Oh, hey, if you find the best years of my life in there, can I get them back?" "Honestly." "The one year I let Oscar do our taxes." "Gaby, let's not be too hard on Oscar." "Audits happen for lots of reasons." "You think the IRS just randomly chose his name?" "No, there's no one to blame here but Oscar." "As far as we know." "Okay, they want me to describe my personality so they can match me up with the perfect man." "Mm." " Uh, well, I'm intelligent." " Mm-hmm." " I'm whimsical." " Yeah, you are." " I'm hopeful." " Uh-huh." " Cautious." " Got to be." " Doubtful." " Mm." "Frustrated, angry, self-destructive." "I hate myself, forget it." "Why are you looking to date other guys when you clearly like Felix?" "Yeah, I'm moving on from that." "I've dropped enough hints, and clearly he's not over his marriage." "Maybe he just needs a jolt to get his heart started again." "Maybe you're like those heart paddles." "You need to just rip off your clothes, yell, "Clear!"" "and throw yourself on top of him." "I guess I could stop hinting and just tell him that I've developed feelings." "And yell, "Clear!" and just go to town." "Sorry, it's been a while." "It's kind of on my brain." "Hey, Felix." " What can I get you?" " Oh, let's see." "Do you have an apartment that doesn't contain two bickering exes?" "I do, actually." "My sister's out of town;" "you can stay in my place for a few hours." "Maybe I could meet you after work, and we could make dinner." "Or not, or whatever." "I don't even know." "Emily, I-I'm just too guilt-ridden to eat." "If I had not given Oscar's name to the IRS, none of this would be happening." "Maybe there's something you can do to make it better." "You're good at organizing, right?" "Well, help Oscar and Gaby with their taxes." "You can be kind of a buffer for them, it'll speed things up, and it'll make you feel less guilty." "Yes, yes." "They'll get along better, and I will be able to sleep guilt-free without actually confessing." " You're brilliant!" " Oh." "Okay." "Oh, I was making myself sick." "You have no idea how hard it is wanting to tell someone the truth, but not having the nerve." "Felix, I like you." "What?" "I said..." "I, like you, have faced similar challenges, so..." "Good luck with that, bro." "Thank you." "Oh, shut it." "Okay, here's something." "One plane ticket to Beijing, hmm." "Oh, right." "This one wanted to see China when we have a perfectly good Chinatown right here in New York." "Oh, I'm sorry." ""This one" wanted to expand her horizons." "You won't even go to Chinatown." "They deliver." "Okay, we will file that under travel and take another aspirin." "All I know is when we were struggling financially, you blew $8,000 on a vacation." "You know, you always do this." "You turn it around on me." "I shouldn't have to apologize for..." "For anything, God forbid." "No, that's not what I'm saying." "You never let me finish..." "Finish your sentences?" "They all end the same way." ""It's your fault, Oscar."" "And that ends round one." "Now, why don't we all take a breath and calm down, hmm?" "Okay, yeah." "I'm gonna go out on the balcony." "Yes, that's an excellent place to summon your flying monkeys!" "If I could make a tiny suggestion." "Sometimes when you're around Gaby, you get a little defensive." " No, I don't." " You do." "Shut up." "Okay, you want to get this over with?" "Be nice." "You don't have to agree with her, but at least let her finish her sentences." "Sometimes we say more with our mouths closed." "I hear what you're saying, and I don't like your tone." " Ha, there they are." " What are you doing?" "I used to come out and smoke these when Oscar and I would have a fight." "Would you mind turning your back while I drink these?" "And nice to know you've hit rock-bottom." "How can you stand living with him, Felix?" "Well, one thing that I've learned in the past few months is sometimes when he lashes out, it's because he's mad at himself." "I know, but we're just supposed to sit back and take it?" "No, but if I could give a tiny piece of advice, when you say things like, "You're never this,"" "or, "You always that," it makes him feel smaller." "I know." "I know." "But I can't help myself." "He just... he pushes my buttons." "I don't know how you put up with him, Felix." "Oh, here's something." "A receipt for a silver bracelet." "That must be a nice memory." "Not for me." "I never got a silver bracelet." "Oscar, care to explain?" "Nope, next." "Oscar!" "Okay, fine." "It was for your birthday." "But then I got a tip on a horse." "A hundred-to-one shot called Lucky Lady, so I hocked the bracelet." "And, let me guess, Lucky Lady came in last." "No, she went into labor on the first turn." "Oh, my God." " Why didn't you...?" " Check her out?" "What was I supposed to do?" "Give her a sonogram?" "I mean, I can't do everything..." "Sorry, I... interrupted you." "What were you gonna say?" "Uh... uh..." "I..." "I was gonna say why-why didn't you tell me?" "Well, I wanted to surprise you, and I figured if the horse came in, then I could buy you that vintage music box you were looking at." "Oh, my God, I loved that music box." "How do you even remember that?" "I just did." "But, Oscar, you could've told me!" "You always make me the bad guy and you never trust me..." "What I mean to say is thank you." "You're welcome." "Oh, that was just seasonal allergies." "Dinner was great, Felix." "I know." "Did we ever actually eat at this table?" "Mm, no." "We used to stack mail on it and pay bills on it." "There was that one night we did something else on it." "And tomorrow," "I chop this table into firewood." "Well..." "I'm finished." "And?" "And according to my calculations, there is a discrepancy in your tax return." "In the amount of $1,200... that they owe you!" "You like how I dragged it out like that to build up the tension?" "No!" "But what a relief!" "I got $1,200 to spend." "I've got $600 to spend." "Yeah." "I'm off to bed." "Gaby, wonderful seeing you." "Ah, Felix, we couldn't have done it" " without you." "Thank you." " Yeah." "Great job, buddy." "Yes, so we're even." "What do you mean?" "Oh, um..." "We're even." "The books." "Numbers-wise." "Yeah." "What else could I mean?" "Somebody's tired." "No, no." "I'm pumped." "I can't wait till we go down to the IRS and just rub it in that jerk's face." ""We"?" "You want me to come?" "Yeah, you've got to come." "You're the one that got us out of this." "Remember that." "Good night!" "Oscar, I did something terribly wrong." "Was it not knocking, or was it staying in the room after you've seen us?" " Thank you for coming up." " Of course." "You must've been so embarrassed." "I was mortified." "One minute, they're at each other's throats, the next, they're at each other's..." "Well, I don't know." "I went hysterically blind." "This is completely and entirely my fault." "And a little bit yours." "You want to take me through that?" "Well, I'm the one who tipped off Oscar to the IRS, but you were the one who told me to help them get along, which I did, all too well." "Maybe it's meant to be." "Sometimes two people have passion between them, and there's only one way for it to come out." "Maybe you're right." "Damn my ability to read people!" "Yup." "Nothing gets by you." "Wow, you still have the energy to pace." "I must've lost my touch." "I'm just thinking about Felix." "Really lost my touch." "I just picture him in my head lecturing me about how sleeping with you might've been a bad idea." "Is that what you think he thinks?" "Or is that what you think?" "Me?" "No." "I'm enjoying the moment." "It's Felix who thinks too much." "Still a little Felix in there." "Who's Felix?" "Well, thank you for being here." "Oh, are you kidding?" "I'm glad you called me." "Yeah, you were the first person I thought of." "Really?" "Mm-hmm." "Oh, and... sorry to wake you up, by the way." "Stop apologizing." "You didn't wake me." "And stop being so hard on yourself." "Try to see the Felix that I see." "The one who cares so much about his friends that he drives everybody crazy." "Most of all himself." "You know, I was actually getting used to the idea that every year the world was getting a little colder and grayer." "And then I meet this sad, funny, exceptional man who wears his big heart on his perfectly creased sleeve and..." "I don't know... everything's different." "So, yeah." "I guess you did wake me up, Felix Unger." "Oscar, what is wrong?" "Still thinking about Felix." "Do we have any patio cigarettes left?" "I drank them all." "Where you going?" "To get that persnickety voice out of my head." "Felix, what the hell were you thinking?" "Now I see why you didn't leave." "My feet won't move!" "Hey." "Hey." "Any sign of Felix?" "Uh, he was gone when I woke up." "He was probably really embarrassed." "When I walked in, he was white as a sheet." "Now that I've seen his sheets, I really know what that means." "So..." "last night..." "Yeah." "It was amazing." "Amazing?" "At the end, God was shouting our names." "It was just like old times, right?" "So, uh... what do we do now?" "Say..." ""Good-bye"? "Thank you"?" ""Oscar, you're still the world's greatest lover"?" "I don't know." "I mean, we could have dinner, and, you know, see how it goes." "That sounds nice." "Wait, is this all part of your master plan?" " What do you mean?" " We get back together, you divorce me, and you get half of the half I have left." " Hey." "Um..." " Hi." "I've been calling you." "I-I woke up and you were gone." "Is everything okay?" "Yeah." "I just got a little freaked out." "I mean, last thing I want to do is screw up our friendship." "Right." "I believe I was the one who dragged you into my bedroom." "It was so hot." " It was." " But... we have to think about what we're doing." "I mean, is this a thing?" "Are we... talking about being a thing?" "I mean, what does this mean?" "I know I never thought I would say this, but maybe Oscar's impulsiveness has rubbed off on me a little bit." "But are we thinking too much?" "Yeah." "Maybe the, uh... maybe the safest thing is to just take it slow." "Yeah, yeah." "I think you're probably right." "Yeah." "Okay." "But not too slow." "I'm gonna just..." "Yeah." "I'm not free tomorrow night, but maybe over the weekend we could have dinner." "There's this darling little place I found at..." "Oscar?" "Sorry, you were saying?" "Yes, I was just saying that, you know, if we are gonna be spending a little time together, a few things might need to change." "Yeah, I know." "My gambling, my staying out late." "No, that's not what I'm talking about." "Why do you always act like I'm persecuting you?" "Well, there has been a precedent." "Oh, well, once again I'm the bad guy." "Sorry I opened up." "Why you jumping down my throat?" "The only thing jumping down your throat is that beer at 9:00 in the morning, by the way." "It's a Sunday." "At least we're consistent." "Honey, if we got back together based on last night," "I think we'd be fooling ourselves." "I know." "But I don't want to go back to hating you either." "Same here." "We wrecked our marriage." "Let's not wreck our divorce, too." "I'm so impressed by how thoughtful you're being about this." "I think it's from living with Felix." "I over think everything now." "Well, he's good for you." "Maybe he's a better wife for you than I was." "What?" "Well, it's not the way Felix does it." " Okay, let's go over this one more time." " Check." "We knock loudly twice..." "Mm-hmm." "...then we wait for the person to say "Come in"" "before we open the door." "Right, good, but what if the other person is choking or unconscious and cannot say "Come in"?" "Then he dies." "Fair enough." "Thank you, Oscar." "For what?" "For everything." "For taking me in." "For helping me get over my divorce." "For teaching me to loosen up." "Well, I never thought I'd say this, but... you've been good for me, too." "I think, thanks to you, I'm a little bit more mature." "I'm glad to hear it." "Oh, and, um... by the way... funny story..." "I might've been the one who gave your name to the IRS." "What?" "!" "Felix!" "Felix!" "I'm not saying come in!" "I'm not saying come in!" "Oh, God!" "You're still coming in!"