"Soon there'll be two in there." "Yeah." "I know." "Are you used to the idea yet, or is it still scary?" "I'm terrified, of course." "I don't know if trying to get used to it helps." "It's all so absurd and sudden." "Yet at the same time so concrete when you have him in you arms." "Him?" "What do you want me to say?" ""S/he"?" "Another term I detest." "How about you?" "A little nauseous, but otherwise fine." "Know what helps against nausea?" "Bacon." "Lovely, crispy, fragrant fillets of grunting gold." "If you want to live long enough to become a father figure for s/he,   so s/he won't grow up a blogger,   maybe you should hold off a little longer." "Yeah, yeah." "The porridge will be ready in five minutes." "Dag!" "Your porridge is ready." "Dad filmed me being born." "Now he runs the the film in reverse." "What have we here?" "How's your book going?" "Kennedy has a putt to avoid nuclear war." "And Khrushchev keeps distracting him." "I just want a sense of what it must feel like." "Must be nice to shape the world however you want it." "And believe it." "A wild guess:" "Is something bothering you?" "Have you ever had an addiction?" "No, I can't say that." "I only do things once." "Wear clothes once, sleep with people once ..." "Someone's waiting for you in there." "They refused to speak Russian." "Ruined the entire illusion." "Time for some more mental abuse." "You said your brother would get them out of there." "We've been waiting for two hours." "I'm sorry I dragged you into this." "A few weeks ago you told me that having a kid would ruin my life." "But now?" "What is it you really mean?" "I'm just wondering if you've thought things through." "There must be something nice, positive,   about having a baby." "It's supposed to open new doors inside you." "And I'm sure it's exciting to bond with the ... child." "Give me a fucking break!" "Before our last session, I thought: "I can do this."" "But after listening to you now?" "No way." "What do you think, Anne?" "Having a child is something you do together." "But if I have to choose, Pål can just leave." "If he doesn't want any part of this, our relationship won't work anyway." "I hear what you're saying." "Absolutely." "But there must be some reason why we've survived as a species." "There must be something nice about becoming ..." "Becoming a father." "What is this?" "Huh?" "Is this some sort of   reverse psychology bullshit?" "I don't know." "Honestly." "I have no idea what I'm talking about." "Or who I am." "All I feel like doing right now   is sit alone in a room." "Drinking." "You think you're the only one with problems, Pål?" "You think you're the only one that feels your world is falling apart?" "By the way, this isn't about you." "It's about me." "It isn't about me." "It's about you." "There." "Now you can report me." "No." "I think we're even now." "I love violence, but you can't beat up your patients, can you?" "I ..." "Just keep quiet." "You know what they say." "Therapists and old whores " " get the clients they deserve." "Put down the back seat and we'll roll her in." "In here?" "She'll be stoned in a matter of seconds." " Get a vacuum cleaner." " We don't have time!" "Good to see you again." "Ever heard of communicating?" "Kitchen appliances and violence aren't the solution!" ""Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him."" ""I will surely defend my ways to his face."" "Of course." "It's one of those days." "The Book of Job." "And just before that, he says:" ""I take my flesh in my teeth."" " Some god you have." " He isn't my god." " Let's not do this now." " I'm here to help." " You're the one on the floor." " Christ!" " Which god is it now?" " No single god." "Monotheism is the worst." "Nothing has resulted in more war than the sentence:" ""My God is the only true God."" "I have seen the sun rise over the desert and set in the sea." "Beauty that makes people say:" ""There must be a god."" "But they don't say that when they see a Palestinian boy killed by a bomb." "Or a young mother dying of cancer." "Yet it's the same world." "The same god." "And to think it was all created to satisfy our need,   is both selfish, scornful and respectless." "So you have become a humanist?" "Why ask someone who doesn't exist about the meaning of life,   instead of searching for meaning in your own life?" "Great." "Congratulations." "You're in the process of becoming more normal." "Now, what can I do for you?" "There are more disillusioned people here than anywhere else on earth." "Someone should lead them down the right path." "You?" "I am here to teach people to believe in themselves." "The world won't get better until we get better." "And we won't as long as we give responsibility   to people who claim the world is 6000 years old." "Fine." "Let's say " " I find some names." "Give it a shot." "Will you leave then?" "Hey." "The Son of God." "Lloyd." "Where is he?" "Kindergarten." " Hurry up." " This way she can talk to us." "Let's find a quiet place so I can give her her meds   and hook her up to her oxygen tank." "Now you can talk!" "A little dark up her ... here." "Poor girl." "She can't even see what she's writing." "Once we get her to safety, I want you out of my life!" "I promise." " Meaningless." " All actions in life are,   as soon as you lose the illusion of being immortal." ""Hell is other people." Ever hear that expression?" "Want to play word-tennis all day, or tell me what's bothering you?" "I almost bought a bottle of booze today." "Figured I'd empty it, and then ..." "Drift along till I ran out of money." " But you didn't." " No." "But I was close." "I am ..." "For lack of a better word ..." "Scared." "Scared or anxious?" " What's the difference?" " Everything." "Scared is a fear of something specific." "Anxiety is existential." "It encompasses your entire being." "That you like booze doesn't mean you want booze." "You just want to feel something else." "There is no shame in that." "Some of the world's wisest people have suffered from anxiety." "Fortunately." "In a world where people pop pills at the least resistance." "No one gets to know himself." "If you never face the abyss, you'll become like those lifestyle magazines." "Will think buying a new car will make you happy." "Or a rustic table made of driftwood." "What you're saying here on your pedestal of wisdom,   is that I should be happy because I am miserable?" "Not at all." "What I am saying   is that you are miserable now." "But by feeling that misery, you grow as a human being." "From the moment we are born,   we are responsible for all our actions." "That thought can bring anyone to their knees." "Anxiety comes   thanks to our endless freedom to make choices." "To choose a direction in life." "Every choice you make,   can change your life and that of others." "When you feel anxious,   it's more about you having to choose something   that you feel is wrong." "Or when you don't know what to do or how to feel." "So you avoid making that decision   by choosing a familiar way out." "In your case,   booze." "But your anxiety will only grow if you avoid making decisions." "Drinking booze   is simply a way of pushing those decisions ahead of you." "A wild guess:" "You've thought about this quite a bit." "Some." "Because?" "I have a bagful of things I've done that I'm not particularly proud of." "You become trapped in a lie and are forced to live it." "But tell me ..." "What triggered this in you?" "I'm going to be a father." "For real?" "Yup." "How will that differ from the life you have now?" "You recently extolled the benefits of being a stepfather." "I am aware of that." "But how will things differ from now?" "What are you worried about?" "You love to feel needed." "You'll be a great father." "You have a woman who loves you, and you love her." "So don't sit here and whine." "OK ..." " What do you mean by that?" " You belittle yourself." "You're mad because I reminded you of some crap in your past." "You want to talk about anxiety, Ernst?" "Regret the past and talk about the future,   but you can only really feel right now." "And you don't dare." "I just buried my wife." "I know." "And I'm sorry." "But you picked a woman who was completely dependent on you." "And you knew she wouldn't be around forever." "Congratulations on becoming a father." "Sincerely." "And yes, it is scary." "It's terrifying." "But you'll be a fantastic father." "And husband." "Why do I keep thinking it won't work?" "That I should run?" "Panic is the brain's way of preparing for the worst." "Do you want to talk about it?" "There was this Indian philosopher." "Every day he felt he was merely alive, not living,   he placed a new branch on a pyre   he had built on a raft." "Finally the day came when he no longer felt alive." "So he set fire to the pyre, climbed onto the raft,   and set sail down the Ganges." "I'm not quite there yet." " Better now?" " Thank you." "What are you thinking about?" "My son." "Alexander." "I can't even remember his voice." "That's where I should be." "So what's the plan?" "Plan?" "I don't have one." "You're the one who wanted us to get your sister." "OK." "If we can find a safe place for her, " " I'll do what I can to find my brother   and borrow some money so we can get out of here." "And then I promise to disappear from your life forever." "OK." "Where?" "What's the safest place you know, Benedikt?" " I don't know." " Where you always go when in trouble." " No." "Leave him out of this." " Then what else?" "It's too late, anyway." "He'll never let us in." "Dammit!" "This is getting tiresome." " Which one will fall off first?" " Mine." "Yes!" "Finally a minor victory." "Benedikt." "Not now." " And you?" " No one." "I was thinking." "Maybe we need some new shelves." "The baby will pull things off that bottom shelf." "Break my DVDs and CDs and stuff." "What about a new shelf up here?" "Sure." "Though I think we'll need more than a new shelf." "Sure, of course." "But it's a good place to start." "Dag, another shelf won't really help much." "What we ..." "What we need is more space." "Another room." "I don't have that." "But that is something we will need, eventually." "The kids will need a place to sleep." "And god knows you need space of your own." "As do I." "It can get a little cramped here." "But ... moving?" "Yeah." "Not now, but ..." "But this place is perfect." "Though you're worried about your CDs." "That's why I suggested making a new shelf." "I don't know if you're kidding or not." "Do you understand this?" "I don't intend to run around like I did with Leon,   terrified that he would break something that was yours." "And then we'll have another 15 years as a household of four." "You can choose to view that as a problem." "Or that you'll always be surrounded   by someone who thinks you're the greatest thing ever." "Normal female behavior is to downplay what's in store." "I have treated so many couples   where the woman has sold this as something anyone can do." "Completely rational." "Then the baby comes and everything goes to hell." " That's the normal course of events." " Exactly." "And that's why I'm telling it to you straight." "This will be hell for you, Dag." "Sleepless nights." "Less money." "Kindergarten meetings." "Birthday parties." "And a teenage phase, with all that entails." "There's no point in lying." "This is what it's like to be a parent." "I honestly don't know if I can handle this." "I realize that's not the response you were looking for." "But it's like   something just shuts down inside of me." "The same goes for me." "Come here." "That's what it's all about." "It's pretty nice, too." "Sure." "Everything's nice at night." "It's the days that worry me." "There are so many of them."