"# Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha" "# There is nothing we can do" "# Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha" "# We just have to face it, this time we're through" "# Knowing me, knowing you #" "A-ha!" "(MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)" "# No more carefree laughter" "# La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la" "# La-la-la-la" "# La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la" "# La-la-la-la-ah" "# Knowing Me, Knowing You With Alan Partridge" "# There is nothing we can do" "# Knowing Me, Knowing You With Alan Partridge" "# We just have to face it, this time we're through" "# Knowing me, knowing you" "# With Alan Partridge #" "(APPLAUSE)" "(HISSES)" "Welcome to "Knowing Me, Knowing You With Alan Partridge"." " It's the chat of the town!" " (DRUMBEAT)" "Tonight, we're going to climb the mountain of conversation." "I'm going to get my grappling hook and scale the north face of Chat-mandu." "(DRUMBEAT)" "As usual, I'll cause a stir and put the "chat" amongst the pigeons." "(DRUMBEAT)" "Suffice to say tonight's show is an exciting stew of exotic vegetables - or guests - in a tomato-based sauce of entertainment." "You've guessed it." "I'm serving up chat-atouille." "(DRUMBEAT)" "But first an important announcement." "You may remember my dance troupe, the Alan Partridge Playmates, were wearing Alan Partridge masks." "These masks - thank you - are official merchandise, available in all good novelty shops and Welcome Break service stations in the south-east." "However, last week, these fun items were abused." "Take a look at these pictures from a security camera." "(ALAN) NatWest, Sycamore Road, Corby on Tuesday last, when three masked gunmen wearing my rubber face burst in." "They then ran off with $15,000 in a copper-coloured sports holdall." "I wish to dissociate myself from this act." "My face was designed as a leisure accessory." "When people rob, maim, pimp, ram-raid, smuggle, stalk or peep with my face, they drag it through the mud, and I don't like it." "And I will take action, either through the courts or by other means." "That said, if you do want one, they really are great fun, and are available in shops and service stations." "I'm told they're particularly popular with students." "Lovely." "Buy one today and give your neighbours a fright." "But don't stalk them or mug them." "Frighten them in a friendly way." "Well, it's time to greet my resident house band, Glenn Ponder and Bangkok!" "(APPLAUSE)" "# Knowing me, knowing you" "# With Alan Partridge #" "Glenn, I'm pleased you've decided to see sense and cancel your court action." "Very impressive." "And it means that I have no fear now of saying knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glenn Ponder." " A-ha." " A-ha." "And knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Bangkok." " A-ha." " (ALL MUMBLE) A-ha." "Glenn, I'm in a bit of bother." "I've got a confession." "I stabbed a senior academic to death in my kitchen." " Who was that?" " Professor Plum." " I was playing Cluedo!" " (DRUMBEAT)" "But seriously, Glenn, I believe you've just had a new kitchen fitted." " Yeah, that's right." " What prompted that?" "Well, my boyfriend's a bit of a cordon bleu, and er..." "It was his idea, really." "His idea." " I didn't know." "Take me down, please." " Yeah, we needed a bit more space and thought, "What the hell..."" "Sorry." "Conversation's finished now." " You could come round for a meal sometime." " No, thanks." " You'd be very welcome." " It's all right." "Can we get this quicker?" "I'll jump the last couple of feet." "That's right." "Glenn Ponder and Bangkok!" "(MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)" "# Ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-ba-ba" "# Ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-baaaa, bap!" "#" "That was the music for Pearl  Dean." "We all know it." "We all love it." "We all admire it." "My next guests are not Pearl  Dean, they're Scott and Dean, but they are connected with cinema." "That's why I just sang the Pearl  Dean song." "They are two brothers who produce, write, direct and star in their own movies, and who've swept through Hollywood like a plague of locusts shouting "action", if you can imagine such a thing." "They're two of Tinseltown's big shots." "Ironic, since they're both under four foot ten." "You'll see what I mean when I welcome Scott and Dean Maclean!" "(BANGKOK) # Well, I can dance with you, honey If you think that's funny" "# Does your mother know that you're out?" "# And I can chat with you, baby Flirt a little maybe" "# Does your mother know that you're out?" "#" "Ah!" "Brrrr!" "Yabba-dabba-doo!" "Eh?" "Can you do that?" "Marvellous." "Lovely." "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Scott Maclean." " A-ha." " A-ha." "Good lad!" "He's done it." "Well done." "See if you can do it now, Dean." "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Dean Maclean." "A-ha." " A-ha." " By George, he's got it!" "Good lad." "Marvellous." "Lovely." "OK." "You've just flown in from LA." "Did you enjoy the flight?" " It was a pain in the ass." " Right." "Let's move on." "Next question." "Dean, how old are you?" " I'm eleven." " Eleven." "Big lad." " Scott, how old are you?" " Nine." "Coming up to the big 1-0." " What?" " Ten." "One-zero." "I'm gonna be ten." "Great." "Lovely." "And are you looking forward to your birthday?" "When you hit double figures, you gotta take time out and ask yourself some pretty serious questions." "Like what?" "Am I satisfied?" "Where am I going?" "What do I want?" "And what do you want?" "A spacehopper?" "A Meccano set?" " Or do you want a Batmobile?" " Believe me, this guy wants it all." "Well, I can't get you that, but I can get you a..." "# Dinna-ninna-ninna-ninna.... #" "Batmobile!" "There you go." "And I don't want Dean to feel left out." "He's looking a bit grumpy." "So there you go." "An Alan Partridge mask." "Lovely." "(THEY GIGGLE)" "Wh-What are you laughing at?" " My face?" "You shouldn't laugh at my face." " No, it's not the mask." " It's the Batmobile." " What's wrong with it?" "We don't mean to be rude, but Tim Burton - he directed Batman..." " I know who he is." " He gave us the Batmobile used in the movie." " What?" "The full-sized..." " With all the gadgets." "Well, you can stick that on the dashboard." "The Batmobile is cool." "I drive it around the estate." "Right." "When I was ten, I got a bat and ball." "I used to play with that round the...estate." "It was attached by a piece of elastic, so you could bat it back and forth." "In the bat and ball world, it was state of the art." " Do you still have it, Alan?" " No." "It was stolen from me by a boy called Stephen McCoomb." "Big lad." "He bullied everyone." "He threw it in the canal." "I told the teacher he threw it in the canal." "She said, "Don't tell tales."" "Where's the justice in that?" "Where is the justice in that?" "You gotta let these things go, Alan." "Yeah, you're right." "Where was I?" " Our new movie?" " Yes, thank you." "I like you." " What about me?" " Yes." "Now..." "The new movie, you're shooting it here in Britain." "It's an action-thriller called "Interface"." "Tell us about that." "That's right." "It's dealing with that whole virtual reality, CD-ROM paranoia." "Yeah, yeah, that whole paranoia..." "This bloke, Seedy Ron, how seedy is he?" " What?" " Seedy Ron, how seedy is he?" " CD-ROM." " What?" "CD-ROM." "It's a computer process, which allows you to "interface" with visual information on compact disc format." " Seedy Ron's got a compact disc player?" " Jesus Christ!" "Excuse me?" "Watch your language, young man." "Now, Bruce Willis." "You fired him only three weeks into filming." " Yeah, we had a difference of opinion." " What was that?" "He thought he was cool, we thought he was an asshole." " OK." "What about me." "Am I..." " You're an asshole, too." "No, no." "OK." "Bruce Willis." "Do you think I could take over from Bruce Willis?" "I can do an American accent." "(COWBOY VOICE) "I'm Seedy Ron."" "Sorry, Alan." "We've just cast Harrison Ford." " Yeah, it was a joke." " Hang on." " Sharon Stone's got a British husband." " That's right." " Maybe he could do it." " Yeah!" "What..." "What?" "Really?" " Sure." "Fly over to LA next week." " Yeah, I could do that." "I'm supposed to be doing a sales conference for Nabisco at the Birmingham Metropole." "But Nick Owen can do that." "He owes me one." "But it's only a supporting role." "I have done acting." "I was..." "I was Mother Goose in Ipswich and Colchester." "And I did a commercial for Ford's of Norwich." "I don't know if you've seen it." "It was a 30-second commercial." "I'm on the forecourt." "I'm surrounded by Ford Granadas." "I'll do it for you." "I stand up and say, "I'm Alan Partridge." "Ford's are driving me crazy!"" " That's good." " It's a bit of fun, but it shows I can handle big-screen action." "(LAUGHS)" " It was a joke." " We were joking." " You can't do an action movie." " You're too old." " I'm younger than Harrison Ford." " You look older." "Yeah, well, I was joking, too." "I started the joke." " No, we started the joke." " No, I started the joke." " Great." "One big happy joke." " That I started." " No, you didn't." " I did." "Look, this is getting childish." " Yeah." "Why don't you grow up?" " What?" "Like you?" " Just act your age." " He's only nine." "Just coming up to the big 1-0." "Very good." "Very clever." "The point is I started the joke." "Now I've finished it." "The trouble with you Americans is you haven't got a sophisticated sense of humour, right?" "Have you heard of "Robin's Nest"?" "Not got a clue." "You haven't got a clue." "You're three times as old as us." "We're fifty times as rich as you and a hundred times as talented, and you don't like it." "Why don't you get a life?" "I've got a life." "Why don't you get one?" "Play tig or something." " What life have you had?" " A very successful one." "I was voted Man of the Moment by "TV Quick" magazine." " Ooh (!" ")" " Shut up." "I was Sports Reporter of the Year for Radio Norwich." " Big time!" " It is big time, actually, yes." "And ten years ago, I was broadcasting highly complex traffic information to the whole of East Anglia when you were a foetus." " Oh!" "Your breath is gross!" " I have not got bad breath." " It's like something's died in your mouth." " Nothing's died in my mouth." "I'm Alan Partridge." "My mouth's a chemical dump." "Oh, gross breath!" "(SCREAMS)" "That is it!" "I'm confiscating that and confiscating this." "You're not having it." "Oh!" "Ooh!" "My arse!" "God!" "Get security." "Shouldn't be doing this." " Christ!" " Sorry!" " You should be in a bloody borstal!" " Any further questions?" " No." " Can we go now?" "Yes." "Scott and Dean Maclean." "I'm Alan Partridge... (APPLAUSE)" "Sorry about that." "Now..." "Women." "What are they?" "To some women, you can say, "That's a nice dress." "Would you like to have dinner?"" "With others, you should keep your distance." "Don't get involved." "Just be pleasant." "I'm talking about those women who, until the last century, were confined to the island of Lesbos." "In other words, lady lesbians." "That's what my next guests are." "Yes." "Next week, this show is replaced by a new series for lesbians called "Off The Straight And Narrow" - quite clever - and it's hosted by my next guests." "I've been told to have them on to promote their show, which I think is a good idea." "I can't tell you what'll be in their show, that's their job, so let's hear it from the horses' mouths." "Please welcome Wanda Harvey and Bridie McMahon!" "(BANGKOK) # Honey, honey, touch me, baby" "# A-ha, honey, honey" "# Honey, honey, hold me, baby" "# A-ha, honey, honey" "# Honey, honey #" "Diddly-di-di-di, two ladies." "Diddly-di-di-di, two ladies." "Diddly-di-di-di, and I'm the only man, yah." "Diddly-di-di-di, I like it." "Diddly-di-di-di, they like it." "Diddly-di-di-di, this two for one, ba-dom ba-dom-bom, bom." "I'm sorry." "That was misjudged." "Sorry." "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Wanda Harvey." " A-ha." " A-ha." "And knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Bridie McMahon." "A-ha." " A-ha." " (IRISH ACCENT) Bridie McMahon!" "Lovely name." "You imagine an Irish flame-haired woman in a film with John Wayne." "Just imagine him saying, "Bridie McMahon, I'll have you over my knee."" "And you'd say, "I'll have nothing to do with you." ""Keep your hands to yourself." But of course, in the end, you marry him." "But of course, that's not going to happen." "You're a lesbian." "And you're Wanda." "If you married Glenn, you know what your name would be?" "Wanda Ponder." "But that's not going to happen, because you're a...you know...and so's he..." "I don't want to get bogged down in this whole nest of gay vipers." " Have you got a question?" " Yes." "What's it like to be a lesbian?" "You're asking us to sum up the experience of millions of women in one sound bite." "If you could." " Well, I can't." " You'll have to, love, to be a TV presenter." "Well, with all due respect, considering our series runs for 24 weeks... 24 weeks?" "!" "I only got six." "Well, perhaps the BBC thinks our show'll be four times as good." "No, they don't." "Now, you're lesbians." "I don't mind." "That's not a problem." "Does it bother you when you hear people use these slang expressions?" " What slang expressions?" " You know." "The usual..." "Lesbos, lezzers, lesbefriends... ..dykes, bulldykes, Dick van Dykes..." "..spare-rib ticklers... ..cat-flaps, pussyfooters, knicker-pickers, men, backpackers, tent-peggers, trout-fishers..." "..melon farmers, Kwik-fit-fitters, baggage handlers and left luggage." "Do those names hurt?" " Where are these names from?" " Just names." " That you and the guys thought up?" " We didn't think them all up." ""Lezzers" and "dykes", we can't take the credit for those." "OK, let's talk about your show..." "because I've got to." "Tell us, what's it about?" "Well, next week, Jeanette Winterson will be reviewing the latest gay fiction." "This should interest you, Alan." "We have a women's football team." "Also, we'll have Kitty Mayhew from the British Museum." "She'll be looking at Etruscan earthenware depicting early gay iconography..." " Fantastic." " Are you interested in..." "No, I've just worked out that an anagram of Alan Partridge is "great drain pal"." "Amazing." " You can get the word "prat" from Partridge." " I know." " And Alan is an anagram of "anal"." " Yes." " I'm well aware of that." " So, "anal dirge prat"." "I didn't know that." "That's a good one." "Very good one." "I've been trying to think of one for Glenn Ponder, so if you can help me out..." " Um, now, your new show..." " "Porn legend"." " Sorry?" " "Porn legend"." "An anagram of Glenn Ponder." "Yes, you're absolutely right." "Glenn, are you a porn legend?" " Well, my boyfriend thinks so..." " Yeah, all right." "I don't want to get bogged down in that gay hornets' nest." " Tell us more about your show." " We're also having features on gay holidays, on Virago Press, on mortgages for lesbian couples..." " Are you a couple?" " Because we're both lesbians?" " No, no, no." "But are you?" " No, absolutely not." " We used to be." " Ooh!" "Ooh!" " We went out for a while." " We were involved for three years." "Now we're cooking!" "Turn it up!" "It was fun while it lasted." "It was as if the surf rolled over us and we sheltered beneath the wings of a great bird." "Lovely." "Now, of course, you're sheltering beneath the wings of a great Partridge." "Not literally." "That would be hideous." "Like something out of "Jason And The Argonauts"." "Your programme's called "Off The Straight And Narrow"." " That's a bit of a mouthful." " Well, we call it OTSAN for short." "Nearly an anagram of Satan." "Carry on." "Alan, it's an abbreviation, like you abbreviate this show to KMKY." "No, that's not its full title." "It's KMKYWAP." "Or "Kmkywap", as someone in the office said." "Something you a Red Indian might say in "Dances With Wolves" - "Kmkywap!"" ""Me Big Chief Chatting Partridge." "Kmkywap." "A-ha."" "It also sounds like a moist toilet tissue - a kmkywap." "Yeah, can't argue with that." "I could wipe myself with a kmkywap and throw it down my great drain pal." " After cleaning your anal dirge prat." " That's just offensive." "I wouldn't worry, Alan." "No one's watching." " Yes, they are." " You're losing one million viewers a week." "Yes, I admit there's some sort of conspiracy to deprive me of viewers, and I'll tell you who's behind it - your mates, that lot upstairs," "The Misters and Mses of BBC2." "They don't like me." "They've all been to Oxbridge University, wherever that is." "They all wander round in baggy linen suits, saying, "Ooh, I work for BBC2." ""My glasses are like John Lennon's."" "I loathe these people." "Every week, just before I go on, they come into the studio, saying, "Can't do that." "Can't say this..." Get out!" "I wish all of you BBC2 people would get on a bus and just drive over a cliff." "I'd happily be the driver." "That said, good luck with the series." "Please sit around for my next guest." "Ladies and gentlemen, please thank Wanda Harvey and Bridie McMahon." "Two ladies, diddly-di-di-di!" "(APPLAUSE)" "Let's take a break from all this chat and have a little light relief." "Fifteen years ago, I was on a Hoseasons holiday in Bournemouth and I went to the summer cabaret." "It was pretty mediocre." "Then one man came on and raised the roof." "He made me laugh, quite literally, like a drain." "After the show, I went backstage and said, "I'm Alan Partridge." ""If I ever get my own TV series, I'll give you a big break." Fifteen years ago." "Well, tonight, I honour that pledge by introducing a very special entertainer." "Hold on to your sides, they might just split, as I welcome Joe Beasley and Cheeky Monkey!" "(MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)" "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "My name's Joe Beasley and" " Hey!" " this is Cheeky Monkey." "Well, it's a privilege to be on "Knowing Me, Knowing You", and I was thinking, that's an Abba song, in't it?" "So here's a little joke, right?" "What do you get if you cross Fred Flintstone..." "No, not what if you cross..." "What do you get if you..." "What does a Swedish Fred Flintstone say?" ""Yabba-dabba-doo!"" "No, he says, "Abba-dabba-doo!" That's what he says." "Um..." "So, then..." "Hey, t'other week..." "Pack it in, you." "The other week..." "Stop it." "The other week, we went to Blackpool Pleasure Beach, and at Blackpool Pleasure Beach, they've got the biggest roller coaster in the world." "We went up the big dipper..." "Oh, God..." "We went up the big dipper..." "And we're going about 200 miles an hour..." "200 miles an hour on the big dipper..." "And um...we go on the big dipper, and we come around the corner..." "And Cheeky Monkey, right, he..." "We're on the big dipper..." "No..." "Oh, you cheeky monkey!" "He's made me forget." "It's his fault." "He's made me forget." "He made..." "Oh!" "He's always doing that." "He's made me forget...forget the joke..." "You cheeky monkey!" "Cheeky, cheeky monkey..." "Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Beasley and Cheeky Monkey!" "(APPLAUSE)" "Thank you." "Well done." "Joe, I think you've been..." "I think you've been very brave." " There's more jokes, Alan." " That's fine." "I don't think it's working." "Just a little mistake." "You should apologise to Cheeky Monkey." " It's not real." " Oh, look." "He's upset him." " It's not real." " Don't touch it!" " I'm sorry." " You've got a big problem." "If you've got any sense of dignity..." "Your act is really poor." "If you've any dignity, leave the stage." "I'll get you a round of applause." "Quit while you're ahead." "Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Joe Beasley and Cheeky Monkey!" "(MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)" "My final guest in this show, and in the series, has dined with Fidel Castro, President Kennedy, Mikhail Gorbachev and Bing Crosby." "He's one of the most feared, respected and opinionated men in Great Britain." "He is, of course, the restaurant critic of the "Spectator" magazine." "He's had more free dinners than I've had hot dinners." "In "Who's Who", under his list of his hobbies, it really does say, "Food, food, glorious food...and wine."" "He's just recovered from a double heart bypass operation." "Please welcome raconteur and bon viveur Forbes McAllister!" "(BANGKOK) # On and on and on" "# Keep on rockin', baby" "# Till the night is gone, on and on and on" "# Till the night is gone" "# On and on and on #" "This is the last time I'll ever do this." "You know the form." " Yes, I've seen the show." " Right." "Let's make it a good 'un." " Knowing me, Alan Partridge, Knowing..." " A-ha." " You just ruined it." "That was the last one!" " Hello, lesbians." " Now, you were in the papers..." " Where's your moustache?" "You had a moustache last week." "Made you look like a spiv." " I shaved it off." "It didn't suit me." " Made you look like a Lebanese pimp." " As I said, it didn't suit me." " It did!" "Right." "Now, Forbes, you were in the papers yesterday because you were at Sotheby's for an auction in which you paid over $100,000 for the personal effects of Lord Byron, which we've got here, going to bring them forward." "These are the personal artefacts of Lord Byron, $100,000 worth." " You must be a big fan of Byron's." " No." "Big ponce with a club foot." " So why have you bought all his bits?" " Michael Winner was bidding for them, and I hate him even more than I hate Byron." "Ended up with all this junk." "Got a lock of his stupid hair." "Want a look, lezza?" "Manuscripts of some of his rubbish poems." "Want a look at some rubbish?" "Be careful, they're valuable." "But this is what Michael really wanted to get his greasy hands on." "Lord Byron's duelling pistols." "Michael, I've got the pistols." "Are you entirely motivated by hatred?" "Yes, I think I am." " That's rather perceptive of you." " Thank you." "I hate you." " Wanda, Bridie, do you like Byron?" " Hate him." "Actually, I adore Byron." "I find his work powerful and moving." " It speaks to me like the sea in a shell." " Lovely." "You have a lovely voice." "Yes, it's beautiful, if I may say so." "I could fall in love with you... if you put a bag over your head." " Please, Forbes..." " I hate you." "Not as much as I hate you, though." "Forbes, we have a surprise for you." "We know that when you grew up in Scotland, you used to love the sound of bagpipes." "So please welcome the Balmoral Highland Pipers!" "(APPLAUSE)" "(THEY PLAY "KNOWING ME, KNOWING YOU")" "Forbes, what do you think?" "I used to throw stones at pipers." "I hate them." "They're Scotland's number one bagpiping combo." "They've been on "How Do They Do That?"" " You want me to lie and say I like bagpipes?" " Yes!" "All right." "I love bagpipes (!" ")" "I love the screeching, wheezing din they make (!" ") Be careful with that..." " (GUNSHOT)" " Oh!" "Oh, my God!" " What happens now?" "What happens?" " (WOMAN) Is there a doctor somewhere?" "It's not my fault." "I didn't know it was loaded." "Can everybody stay calm?" "There is no need to panic." "You tosser!" "You've bloody killed him!" " Is he all right?" " (DOCTOR) He's dead." "Give..." "Cover him up." "Cover him up with this." "You tit!" "Right, I'm the executive producer." "You're fired." " You just killed a man and I'm fired?" " Yes, you're fired." "I'm fired?" "!" "I'm fired?" "!" "Wanker!" "You wanker!" "Get the pipers back on." "We're carrying on." "Get the pipers back on." " Back on?" " Back on." "Ladies and gentlemen, this is "Knowing Me, Knowing You With Alan Partridge"." "It's a live show." "In live television, anything can happen." "I don't know if you remember "Blue Peter", when the elephant... made a mess on the studio floor." "Ironically, it was in this very studio." "I've made a mess, I can't deny it." "You saw it here first." "Another exclusive for "Knowing Me, Knowing You With Alan Partridge" or "KMKYWAP"." "Just as a packet of kmkywaps help clear up a mess," "I'm going to help clear up this mess." "May I be the first to offer my condolences to the family of Forbes..." "Glenn?" " McAllister." " McAllister." "But he's at peace now." "He went out like a light." "He wouldn't have suffered." "I shot him straight through the heart." "Well, it's time to close the show and the series in the way that Forbes would have wanted, with the Balmoral Highland Pipers playing us out, together with my wonderful guests, and, of course, the Alan Partridge Playmates, and very lovely they are." "I'll have to speak to the police." "They're waiting for me in the wings." "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, the police." "A-ha." "I'll be chatting with you in a short while." "In the meanwhile, enjoy the rest of the show, Officers." "So, on that fatal bombshell, it simply remains to say goodbye for the last time." "By the way, if you're in Manchester on the 17th," "I'm opening a new Texas Homecare, so pop along." "For now, knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, whoever you may be." "A-ha." "(BAGPIPES PLAY THEME MUSIC)"