"My name is I\/Iiloé Hrma." "People used to laugh at me, since Hrma means 'mound of Venus'." "Still, our family was famous." "My great-grandfather Lukéé was a drummer boy in 1848 and fought in the battle on Charles Bridge in Prague." "The students threw cobblestones at the soldiers and broke Great-Grandpa's leg, so he got a pension out of it." "One gulden per day." "From then on all he did was buy a bottle of rum and a pouch of tobacco every day." "We're so lucky to have you in uniform, I\/Iiloé." "Another man in the family has made something of himself." "My grandpa Vilém was a hypnotist." "Everyone in town thought it was just a scheme to bum his way through life." "Just be careful you don't let the trains crash." "We'll be the envy of the town." "My father retired at age 48 as a locomotive engineer." "The populace is mad with envy, since he's still healthy and can live off his pension for the next 20 or 30 years without doing a thing." "From the moment you step out on the platform everyone is going to know what a famous family we are." "My goodness, I\/Iiloé, look at you!" "Every day Great-Grandpa Lukéé took his pension and bought a bottle of rum and two pouches of tobacco." "But instead of staying home he went out to where the workers were slaving away and gloated over them." "Every year Great-Grandpa Lukéé would get beaten up." "In 1930 he showed off in front of some stonecutters whose quarry had just been closed, and they beat him to death." "When the Germans crossed the borders in I\/larch, headed for Prague," "Grandpa Vilem was the only one who decided to resist them, thinking he could stop the tanks by power of suggestion." "Arms outstretched, eyes ablaze, he sprayed them with thoughts like bullets: "Turn around and go home"." "The first tank actually stopped, and the whole army came to a standstill, but then it started up again and my grandpa didn't move, so the tank ran right over him and took off his head." "Nothing stood in the way of the Reich's army after that." "As for me, I completed my training to be a railway dispatcher." "Everyone in town knows my only goal is to keep up the family tradition and do nothing except stand around on the platform with a signal disc while they spend their whole lives working themselves to the bone." "Central Film Distributors of Prague presents" "Based on the novella by BOHUMIL HRABAL" "CLOSELY OBSERVED TRAINS" "Screenplay Script Editor" "Music" "Editing Sound" "Art Director Production Designer" "Costume Designer Make-up" "Assistant Director Camera Assistant" "Associate Producer Technical Advisers" "Starring" "Filmed with the co-operation of Czechoslovak State Railway personnel at Lodénice railway station." "Stationmaster:" "B. Cajthaml" "Executive Producer" "Director of Photography" "Directed by" "Barrandov Film Studios" "That's right, boys!" "Come here, my loves!" "Come and get it!" "Aren't you the wild one?" "My winged little cutie-pies!" "Come and get your grain, yum-yum!" "Courtesy of the Countess." "Eat it all up now, boys." "Isn't that a tasty treat?" "Have a little more." "That's right." "Apprentice I\/Iiloé Hrma reporting for duty, sir." "Welcome, I\/Iiloé." "At ease." "Your dad was the best engineer in our entire district." "He once threw his Stoker off a moving train." "Come here, my little chiokie!" "Look at you fly, my lovely pigeons." "Get your grain." "That's right, boys." "Listen, son, it's just like a farm." "Gate opens, gate closes." "Otherwise it stays closed." "Arrivals, departures." " Otherwise it stays closed." " Right." "Then why do you have it open?" "LVlr Novék, I honestly thought you would level it out." "Doesn't that clock sound beautiful!" "Hi, I\/lilo§!" " Hi, Mééa!" " You're looking good." "You too, Mééa." "Hell of a girl." "What's she like?" "Nice." "Oh sure, they're all nice." "But what else besides?" "Stationmaster at your ser\/ice, Madam Countess." "I'll need two cattle cars for the slaughterhouse." "Fodder's running low." "I have to sell off some heifers." "Morals in our district are declining." "The church in Kostelni Lhota has to be reconsecrated." "Fornication behind the altarpiece." "What a woman!" "Look at those legs." "More like a dream than a woman." "If she leaned over me, my whole world would go black." "One oar, but with good rings." "I also need to sell some bulls." "You aren't afraid, are you?" "Me?" "Afraid of horses?" "I served under Count Chotek and Prince Silva el Tores." "Bon." "Next time you come up to the castle," "I'll send the stallion for you instead of the carriage." "I had the most beautiful dream." "Woman is nature's jewel." "All the Countess ever sends any more is two crates of beer and a bottle of booze." "I dreamed I was a trolley and the Countess took hold of my handles and wheeled me into the storeroom." "You should've seen it before the war." "When the Count would come, that was a sight to see." "They'd roll out a carpet from the train to the platform." "All the pensioners would turn out in uniform, everybody saluting, and in the afternoon he'd send a car down from the castle." "Liquor, beer, wine." "Gobs of food!" "Not like nowadays." "So how 'bout that girl of yours?" "Let's hear it." "What's she like?" "Doesn't that clock sound beautiful!" "We'll loosen it up a bit here." "Being a railway inspector now is like being a major in the army" " under the Austrian Empire." " Exactly." "Don't forget this arm is shorter." "And the gold star with sequins, hemmed with the gold braid, has to be sewn on with gold thread." "Come in." "Sir, the cattle for the Countess, are we loading that on track five?" "Yes." "But one:" "Madam Countess." "Two:" "Polish your shoes." "And three:" "No talking to the conductor on the platform." "Don't forget who you are and someday you'll be a dispatcher." "Make sure not to take after Hubiéka." "He's suspended from promotion for 10 years." "Why?" "Him and his women." "You'd do better to take after me." "Good morning, friends." "The situation of our armies, fighting for the welfare of all the nations of Europe, whether they like it or not, is most favourable." "Here we've been forced to pull back somewhat, but here our armies have made a tactical retreat from the Baltics." "Here we have a beautiful tactical withdrawal from the Dnieper to the Danube." "Here a tactical retreat from the Americans into Belgium." "And here a masterful tactical manoeuvre in Italy." "But why?" "Good question." "Why?" "Because we're luring our enemies into a trap." "Don't you see?" "Pay close attention." "Here we land at the enemy's rear." "Here we take the Russians in the Caucasus from Turkey and in Petrograd from Sweden." "Here we circumvent the enemy, landing in Sicily, and here again at the Americans' rear in France." "Then we have them trapped and close in from both sides." "Why?" "So that we can all live happily." "That's why I've come today." "So you can sign this statement, saying you understand that if anyone at the station neglects their duties they will be sentenced to ten years." "In aggravated circumstances, life, or even death." "That's all there is to it." "A few Czech chauvinists think they can turn back the tide of history, but the fuhrer means everyone well, including the Czechs, and believes in a Providence that will not forsake us." "Now where is that station stamp?" "We must pay special attention to closely observed trains." "Understood?" "There." "Shouldn't I go and change into..." "No, no, no, no, no." "Clothes are of no importance in the battle for final victory." "Save the finery for peacetime." " Why?" " Two pigs in a sty!" "No, that's all right." "He's young." "Why?" "For the sake of civilisation." "Why?" "Because that's what the Fflhrerwants." "Now enough!" "We're all in this together, so we have to get along." "Is that clear?" "Farewell, friends!" "Hello." "So you're the dispatcher's cousin?" "What lovely ears you have." "A pair of button earrings would look beautiful on them." "Really?" "Maybe you could arrange that for me." "Do you know any other funny stories?" "I\/lax, supper!" "A butcher decided to smuggle an udder out of the slaughterhouse, so he put it in his trousers to get it past the guard at the gate." "In his trousers?" "You're killing me." "So he takes the tram and the lady sitting next to him looks at him and says, "Sir, there's something sticking out of your trousers."" "So the man takes a knife, cuts off the udder, and says, "That's all right, I've got three more."" " And the lady?" " She fainted." "These days we tell it a little bit differently." "Everything's fine:" "The butcher sneaks the udder out, gets on the tram and takes a seat, and the lady says, Sir, you've got something sticking out..." "And the butcher takes a knife..." " And Iops it off." " The lady goes pale..." "This time not the lady, but the butcher, who screams," ""Jesus Christ, that was the real one!"" "Sorry, but that makes the score two-nil for my cousin." " No, no, that actually happened." " Really?" " Have a drink." " Thank you." "A necklace would look lovely hanging around your neck." "I\/lax!" "it's getting cold." "I'm coming." "Or a little cross..." "between two rascals." "I\/lax!" "I said I'm coming!" "If you don't come this minute, I'm not going to warm it up for you." "I have to go back down." "I need to finish up a report for headquarters." "I'm making a sweater for the Countess." "Who's that laughing down there?" "The dispatcher's cousin." "The moral decline is appalling." "The Countess told me they're going to have to reconsecrate the church in Kostelni Lhota." "That's what happens when there's no authority." "Mr. Hubiéka..." "I'm not sure how to put this," "but have you always been as smooth with the women as you are now?" "Oh, God, no." "I used to have two left feet." " How much longer?" " Two hours or so." "Nothing's sacred to that guy." "It's appalling." "Was the soup too salty tonight?" "No." "But the Church these days stands on feet of clay." "I could do the rabbit breaded and baked." "What do you think?" "If you knock it down, you'll go down with it!" "We'd be better off if God blew his horn for the Last Judgment and just put an end to it all." "Armageddon!" "Armageddon." "Sodom and Gomorrah." "A moral swamp!" "I\/Iiloé, it's intermission time." "Just a freight train or two passing through." "I'm leaving it up to you, so don't let me down." "I'll keep my ears open, just in case." "The curse of an erotic century!" "Armageddon!" "Pornographers should be put in the dock!" "Down with the monstrous fantasies of today's youth!" "I can still hear you, I\/Iiloé." "Good work." "But you forgot the telegraph." "Write that down." " Hi, I\/liloé",." " Hi." "I'm just getting off, so I thought I'd stop by." "I should go." "I\/lé§a?" "I have to go." "They tore the sofa!" "My official Austrian sofa." "Ripped wide open!" "All he sees in the sky are his own sick thoughts." "Phooey!" "The dirty bastard." "If only you could see it on him!" "Let him do his whoring in the waiting room and stay off my sofa, God damn it!" "...wonderful..." "I'll show you wonderful!" "Morning, boys." "Everything fine?" "Station in shape?" "Fun and games are all very well, but duty first!" "Understood?" "Fun and games, fun and games." "So..." "How's that girl of yours?" "Nice." "Wait!" "Wait!" "Besides that, though." "How is she in bed?" "That train with the nurses will have to stay put for now." "There's no engine in the shed." "Nurses." "Sluts of mercy is more like it." "It's terrible how the Germans treat their cattle." "Half of 'em dead." "Eyes full of pus." "I saw a cow with a dead calf hanging out of its arse, rotting." " Germans are pigs." " Those cattle can tell." "We were loading a bull on." "He put up a fight." "Thought he was going to kick the sides out." "So I took a knife and gouged out his eyes." "Bull was quiet as a lamb." "I saw carloads of starving sheep eating the fleece off each other." "Germans are pigs." "Good evening." "Is this I\/Iilovice?" "No, no." "This is Kostomlaty." "How far is it to I\/Iilovice?" "Five kilometres." " Straight this way." " Thank you!" "Let's go." "Milo§!" "I'm off now." "Let's go to my uncle's." "All right, but I'm not off till tonight." "So come by tonight." "We'll sleep over!" "Closer, that's it, and a nice kiss, that's it." "Beautiful!" "Now give me a nice smile and look right here, please." "Hold it, one second, that's it." "Now wave, and all set." "Thank you very much." "Next, please." "Next!" "Move the leg a bit." "That's fine." "Straighten the back." "Yes, that's it." "Watch it." "That tail is fragile." "Let's have a nice smile now, yes?" "Smile and chest out." "That's it." "Thank you." "Right this way." "Next one, please." "You too." "Watch your step." "We don't want any broken legs." "Go right ahead and I'll set it up." "All the way to the end, please." "Watch the head." "Good, that's it." "Just a touch with the hair, put the purse away, and show me those pretty little teeth." "Nice, nice." "Now let's get it focused." "Quiet down, please." "Don't move." "A little smile from the girl in the green." "Yes, you, miss, if you'd be so kind." "Uncle!" "Come on, I\/Iiloé." "The one in purple a bit to the right." "Yes, that's it." "That'll be all then." "Thank you." "Now I know why your mum didn't want you to work with your uncle." "He's a lech, but he's all right." "Quiet." " What if he comes in?" " So what?" "Come on." "Wait, he can hear everything." "So what?" "READY IN 5 MINUTES" " Where's the girl?" " What for?" "You really don't have a girl?" " No." " Do you want one?" "You've got one hour." "Jesus Christ!" "IF IT GRABS YOU, YOU'RE DEAD!" "Keep asking for it and you're going to get it on your behind!" "Eleven, twelve..." "I told you you were going to get it on your behind." "Jesus Christ." "So, you see, doctor, I'm not a real man and I don't want to be." "Everything in life is so hard for me and for everyone else it's like child's play." "Basically, when it came down to it, I wilted like a lily." "You're healthy as an ox." "Maybe too healthy." "When a young man's too healthy he can suffer from premature ejaculation." "I had it too." "It's just nerves." "You're overly sensitive." "These are natural, normal things." "You need to be matter-of-fact about it." "Good morning, Inspector." "Look how my girl came home from work last night." "Show him your behind." "I want to file a complaint." "Look at this." "Hubiéka did that to her, on duty." "Just look." "Can you believe it?" "Stupid girl!" "I ought to smack you one for letting him do this to you." "I want to file a complaint." "I won't stand for it." "Look!" "That ink is made by Pelikén." "It won't wash off for a week." "Don't worry, ma'am." "We'll take it to district court." "Don't think about it too much." "Try to think of something else." "Like football." "Think about football." "And find an older, experienced woman who can teach you the right technique when it comes to love." "So I took her by the neck, gave her a little squeeze, and she didn't make another peep." "I wasn't trying to kill it." "I don't normally steal geese." "Then the neighbour came..." "Look at this, Your Honour." "Look how my girl came home from work." "She's the telegraph operator at the same station where Milos Hrma slit his wrists." "And this is how she comes home:" "rear end covered in rubber stamps." "Look at that." " Nice, eh?" " I've never seen anything like it." "I suppose it's some new kind of party game. isn't that right, I\/Iiss?" "A friendly little frolic?" "Yes." "He ought to be locked up, that's what he deserves." "Well, ma'am, that isn't for the court to decide." "You can submit a complaint to the railway company." "This is a matter for the disciplinary commission." "Jesus Christ, look at that." "Tell me this isn't a criminal case." "Just look at that!" "How do you do?" "I'm I\/Iiloé Hrma from..." "Out!" "Trainee I\/Iiloé Hrma from Kostomlaty station reporting." "All right, young man." "I'm sorry I yelled, but you have to report correctly." "What is this?" "Premature ejaculation, Dr. Brabec said." "A fine mess." "My dear boy..." "Look here." "Teenagers barely out of the Hitler Youth are fighting for a new Europe, a better future." "And what is your family doing for Europe?" "Your father lies around on the sofa when he could be serving the Reich." "Your grandfather tried to hypnotise the tanks we sent to liberate Prague." "Germany's youth bleeds on the battlefield while I\/Iiloé Hrma bleeds into a brothel's bathtub." "But I'll straighten you out." "Do you realise I can have you charged with self-mutilation with intent to avoid service in defence of the Reich?" "It could also be seen as sabotage." "So what'll it be?" "What should I put in my report?" "With your permission..." "You think I'm here to help you find prostitutes?" " I have other things to do." " But I..." "Out!" "Welcome, I\/Iiloé." "Welcome." "Thanks a lot for making our little station so famous." "You're skinning me alive..." "like that!" "I\/Iiloé, tell me." "Vvhathappened?" "Let's see." "Dr. Brabec said I should find an older woman to train me." "I thought you might know someone." "I'm sorry, I\/Iiloé." "You're on your own." "What about your wife?" "Now hold on there." "My wife is mine!" "I just thought maybe she could give me some advice." "I bet." "It starts with advice and ends up with rubber stamps!" "Dr. Brabec told me to find an easy woman." "Do you know one who could train me?" "In what?" "Easy, eh?" "They're all easy at some point." "But it has to happen naturally." "You can't just ask like that." "That would scare off even a bar girl." " Don't you have a sister?" " Miloé..." "I know." "That's something you two will never understand!" "Reverend, sir, there's something I'd like to confess." "Come by the rectory." "The Church can solve any problem." "Everything will be fine." "You just have to believe!" "The Church has been doing psychoanalysis for 600 years!" "It's just a question of whether we can find a willing teacher." "Don't worry." "I'll tell her it's her duty as a Christian." "So how goes it, Mr. Knife?" "Still painting?" "Still painting." "So what are you painting now?" "I'm painting the sea, from a postcard." "I fasten the board in my vice, and pin the postcard to my workbench." "But I think I've got arthritis or something." "I just can't get the waves right, the roll of the surf." "Here's what you need to do." "Clamp the postcard in next to the painting, right?" "Then take the brush and go like this over the waves." "Over the surf, like this." "Till you feel the roll in your hand." "Then do it bigger and bigger till you get it right, and just brush it right onto the cardboard." "That's genius." "So what's up?" "Last night some partisans blew up a closely observed train." "Right into the gully, along with the bridge." "The main track's blocked now, so all the trains to the front have to pass through here." "Tomorrow morning there'll be an ammunition train." "You'll get everything on time." "The code word is Viktoria Freie." "I never would've thought of that, the sway of the sea." "Run, run!" "An SS train!" "The partisans took up the rails and threw them in the woods!" "Run!" "Run!" "Now the Germans are putting them back." "They'll be here any minute!" "They sprayed the station with bullets!" "I'll send a report." "Everyone take cover!" "This is no joke any more." "That could've been me." "I owe you for life." "Come here." "Listen, I\/Iiloé." "A freight train is going to come through our station tomorrow." "What about it?" "We're going to blow it up." "All right, but how?" "Don't worry." "We'll have everything in plenty of time." "Twenty-eight freight cars loaded with ammunition, blowing sky-high right outside our door." "So now we have our own closely observed train to watch." "The best would be to toss it into the middle car from the platform." "But then they might see us." "Look." "You'll slow it down." "When it comes to the signal, bring it almost to a stop." "Then give it the go-ahead." " What time does the Countess dine?" " Half past eight, sir." "Thank you." "I always like to try a horse from both sides." "Milo§!" "I'm not angry anymore." "I understand." "When can you come again?" "Tomorrow?" " Maybe the day after tomorrow." " OK, see you then!" "Don't worry, ma'am." "It's just me, I\/Iiloé." "What is it?" "Well, you see, ma'am..." "Have a seat." "The reason I came is..." "The day after tomorrow I'm going to see my girlfriend." "You know, the conductor?" "And I'm sure she's going to want to you know what." "No." "Of course you do." "Don't act like you don't." "The thing is, I'm a man." "But as soon as I have to prove it, then I'm not any more." "Dr. Brabec said I suffer from premature ejaculation." "So I came to see you." "I\/Iiloé, please." "For instance, I'm a man right now." " Are you angry with me?" " No." "You won't tell the stationmaster, will you?" "No." "Promise you're not angry?" "So Dr. Otto GFUDGF in Vienna says potatoes contain a variety of substances harmful to health." "That's interesting." "My name is Viktoria Freie." "Twenty-eight oarloads of ammunition will pass through tomorrow morning." "Wow!" "Careful." "Is there somewhere here I can take a nap?" "You wouldn't leave me here all alone, would you?" "No, but I'm on duty." "I'll go and ask." "Sit down." "My name is Viktoria Freie." "So you're German?" " What do you do?" " I'm a circus performer." "We had a lively show of aerial acrobatics before the war." " And you?" " My name is I\/Iiloé Hrma." "I slit my wrists because they said I suffer from premature ejaculation." "Actually I wilted like a lily, but I really am a man." "What are you thinking about right now?" "Football." "Dr. Brabeo told me to think about football." "Our team has a big qualification match coming up." "Turn out the light." "Would you, please?" "So you've never had a girl before?" "Really, never?" "STATION MASTER" "It should be here in half an hour." "This is how you set it." " Are you scared?" " No." "I've never been as calm as I am today." "I out all ties with my past." "Just like that." "Here at least I can relax." "Sofa torn twice now." "Even animals behave better." "There now..." "My little chickies..." "It'll be here in seven minutes." "Who's that in the draisine?" "Probably the track inspector." "The disciplinary commission hereby opens proceedings against dispatcher Ladislav Hubiéka." "Where is the stationmaster?" "Here!" "Stationmaster reporting." "That will do." "My new uniform is upstairs." "So you were hoping to be an inspector?" "Yes." "Wouldn't you rather breed geese?" "No." "I can go and change." "I've got a new uniform upstairs." " You take the minutes." " Yes, sir." "Pay close attention." "The situation of our armies, fighting for the welfare of all the nations of Europe, is most favourable." "Zdenka Svaté, is this your behind?" "Yes." "Who put those stamps on you?" "Mr. Hubiéka." "Describe for us how it happened." "We were on night shift together and I was reading." "There were no trains and we were bored." "So Mr. Hubiéka said, "Let's play a game." ""Everything I name that flies," ""you flap your arms like wings." ""And if you're wrong, you take something off."" "A crow flies, a child flies, time flies, trains fly, a soldier flies, seconds fly," "death flies, everything flies..." "I\/lilo§, hi!" "Hi, just a minute." "I'll be right back." "I kept losing." "First my shoes, then my stockings," "then my blouse, my slip, and finally my knickers." "Yes." "And who took them off?" "Mr. Hubiéka." "Now, listen carefully, Zdenka." "Before he laid you down on the desk, did he use any force?" "Did he threaten you, or use violence?" "Not at all." "I laid down myself." "I wanted to see what would happen." ""...see what would happen."" "He didn't use any threats at all?" "No force or violence?" "No." "Well, then, it isn't infringement of personal freedom." "But it is defamation and denigration of the German language." "The noblest blood in Europe is going to the front to fight for peace on your behalf." "Putting their lives - and blood - on the line." "And how do you show your thanks to the Reich?" "One puts stamps all over the telegraphist's behind, and the other one slits his wrists over some girl." "You know what Czechs are?" "Grinning beasts." "I\/lax..." "Lnspector's garden shot to hell." "THE END" "Fixed  Synced By MoUsTaFa ZaKi"