"_" "_" "This is Heidi Baker reporting live from the East Peck courthouse, where opening statements in the Larry Henderson murder trail are about to begin." "This courthouse hasn't seen this much attention since the East Peck witch trials of 1994." "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury," "Larry Henderson may seem to be a harmless, affable, bewildered poet." "But believe you me, beneath this calm facade brews the violent tempest of a man who took the words "...till death do us part"" "all to literally when he extinguished the life of Margaret Henderson." "Disagree." "But she is a lyricist." "What happened to your shoes?" "!" "They didn't match so I hid them in the bushes." "This so-called happily married man was having a homosexual affair." "When Margaret found out about it, he violent struck her, and he threw her through a window." "You know what, don't take my word for it." "See for yourself in this re-creation video." "Mitchell?" "I thought you said presentations weren't allowed." "I said yours wasn't." "What you are about to hear is the story of a man who loved his wife." "Anne, are you kidding me?" "You said you wanted a recent picture of Margaret." "It was either that or one where she was squinting." "Fair warning, this is incredibly disturbing." "And thanks to the boys and girls of the East Peck Junior High Computer Club for putting it together." "Larry, no!" "Die, wife, die!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Larry!" "As you just saw, Larry Henderson sentenced his wife to death." "Now, I'm asking you to do the same to him." "Only this time, we all get to watch." "Thank you very much." "Josh:" "I have a bulletproof opening statement." "It's all about Rutger Hiss, the dirty cop who framed Larry Henderson." "He was there the night Margaret died, we have DNA evidence proving he was having an affair with her, he was treated at the hospital the night she died for shards of glass in his arm." "And the best part..." "He can't refute any of this because he's in a coma." "Sucks for him." "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you have heard the prosecution's story." "Now I'd like to tell you the truth." "It's about a dirty cop." " Rutger Hiss!" " Dwayne, I'm getting there." "Rutger:" "Sorry!" "I hope I'm not interrupting anything." "Oh [bleep] me." "Order!" "It's bad enough with all this media coverage." "I will not have my court turned into a circus." "That being said, I prefer to be photographed from this side, and tell me if I'm getting a chin thing." "Carol Anne:" "I was as surprised as anyone to see Rutger Hiss awake." "He and I had a complicated relationship." "I was intimate with him, he cheated on me with Margaret Henderson and his wife." "But after he went into the coma, I came to terms with it." "Oh." "This is awful." "It's okay." "The evidence against him is what matters." "No, I stepped in something wet." "I hate that!" "Your dad stepped in my dip spit." "Look, I know Clanton's not the perfect boyfriend." "You still using this?" "But things are really stressful right now, and I don't know what's happening with my dad." "It's nice to have someone to sit next to me and comfort me." "Pull my finger, babe." "Okay." "I'm dumping him as soon as this is over." "Mr. Segal, you may continue with your opening statement." "Thank you, Your Honor." "Larry Henderson did not murder his wife." "There is a preponderance of evidence against another man." "A man who has abused his power in the most deplorable way." "But to call him a man is... generous." "He is, in fact, a veritable monster, capable of things that we couldn't even..." "For God's sake!" "The defense will prove that this animal lifted Margaret Henderson with his bare hands and brutally..." "Oh!" "And brutally..." "Oh, wipe his chin." "Thank you, Your Honor." "And brutally murdered her." "That despicable person is..." "Oh!" " Aw!" " Come on!" "...Rutger Hiss." "I'll start." "I liked it." "Thank you, Anne." "I'll admit, I didn't make a great first impression with the jury today." "But second impressions are also important." "So let's talk about what we learned today." "Well, I found out I'm gonna die." "Shoot, that was gonna be mine." "You're not gonna die." "Josh has this." "I learned I can lie to my dad's face." "Josh:" "You are not going to die." "My opening statement was a minor setback." "I underestimated how sympathetic people would be to Rutger." "Well, here in East Peck, we do have a soft spot for a coma victim." "Our most popular mayor, Sterling Johnson, was elected to three consecutive terms, one of which, he was completely unresponsive." "He got unemployment down to 38%." "Let's move past opening statements, huh?" "So tomorrow, Carol Anne Keane calls her first witnesses." "Anne, has that witness list come in yet?" "Almost." "It's only been 10 minutes." "Why couldn't they just e-mail us?" "The country ruled that any fiber-optic communications of official documents is sorcery." "Wait." "Alfonzo's on the list?" "Why would they want to hear from the man" "I was having an affair with when my wife died?" "You don't hear it, do you?" "Well, I knew Carol Anne would bring it up, but I didn't think she'd put him on the stand." "What if he says something personal?" "Oh, I would definitely plan on some personal stuff coming out during this trial." "Now you tell me." "Summer, dear, you're gonna hear some pretty disturbing things about Daddy." "I'm ready for it." "I learned I can lie twice." " I need to see Alfonzo." " Larry, no." "The last thing we need is for Carol Anne" " to charge us with witness tampering." " Oh, please." "I'm sure she's done plenty of things that we don't know about." "Josh:" "He's not wrong." "I slept with Carol Anne Keane last week." "It was a moment of weakness and stupidity." "But as moments of weakness and stupidity go," "I think we both agree it was mind-blowing." "We boned." "It was fine." "Mind-blowing." "Larry, if you're lonely, just do what I do... choke the chicken." "And if that doesn't work, I masturbate." "Larry:" "No, it's not about loneliness." "I just want to find out if he's gonna say something that makes me look bad." "Josh:" "A surprising name popped up on the prosecution's witness list..." "Rutger Hiss." "He's a potential suspect that could totally damage her case." "I'm gonna drop by and see what she's up to." "Hopefully she understands that this is purely a professional visit." "What do you need?" "Okay, she understands." "Counselor?" "Counselor, did you come here for a reason?" "Yes, I was in the neighborhood, and I wanted to see what witnesses you were giving a lap dance to." "Oh, don't get weird about it." "Rutger and I are back together." " I thought you hated him." " We worked it out." "Well, I think you're making a huge mistake." "Oh, I see how it is." "I gave you a cookie, and now you want the whole jug of milk." "Joke's on you because I'm lactose intolerant." "And I know that's not sexy, but this isn't about me being hung up on you." "Good, because what you and I had was purely physical." "I had a need, and you were... there." "Same here." "You were there, too." "I actually forgot it even happened." "The mistake I was talking about was putting Rutger on the stand." "I am going to destroy him on cross." "The way we destroyed that condom?" "Hey, should we talk about that?" "No, we're good." "See you in court." "I know Josh thought it was a bad idea for me to see Alfonzo, but he doesn't understand what I'm going through." "To be honest," "I'm not sure he's ever been charged with murder." "Alfonzo:" "Larry?" "Oh." "Alfonzo." " Mm." "Someone's been eating carbs." " Oh." "Don't judge me." "I already have a jury for that." "Speaking of..." "I understand... you were subpoenaed." "I was curious, what are you going to say?" "Just that you murdered Margaret." "Oh, you got me!" "But, seriously, what are you going to say?" "Lar-bear, don't worry." "I'd never say anything bad about you." "Oh, what a relief!" "I'm so glad I came." "My lawyer thought it was a bad idea." "He said I needed to be discreet." "But you brought a film crew." "To be honest, I always forget they're even there." "I'm glad you came." "I missed you." "I missed this." "I was living the dream..." "great marriage to Margaret, and you on the side for a little fun." "Well, it wasn't just fun." "Of course it wasn't." "It was also the best damn workout I've ever had." "Anyway, if I ever get married again, you are the guy I'm gonna fool around with." "I'm cross-examining Rutger tomorrow morning, and I don't want a repeat of today." " Why?" "You were great." " Come on, you killed it." "Guys, come on." "I was there." " Wow, you were the worst." " Yes, total crapstorm." "Good." "That..." "That's what I need, honesty." "So I was thinking about starting with this." "Mr. Hiss, there is a preponderance of..." "Stop." "People in East Peck do not like New York words." ""Preponderance" is not a New York word..." "It's a word." "It means abundance." "You know what else is a word? "Guilty."" "So what should I say instead?" "Try "buttload."" "Mr. Hiss, there is a buttload of evidence..." "Guilty." " What?" " I said "buttload."" "But your eyes said "preponderance."" "Fine." "No fancy words, no eye rolls." "What else?" "You mean... besides your hair?" "What's wrong with my hair?" "I'll go put on a pot." "You look like you're in a good mood." "I am." "Because I spoke to Alfonzo and I found out that he's only going to say nice things about me." "But I told you not to do that!" "I think what you mean to say is "thank you."" "And I like what you're doing with your hair." "Thank you." "Mr. Hiss, in your own words, describe the crime scene for us." "There was no sign of forced entry, so she likely knew the assailant." "And based on the force of impact," "I would suspect that he was somewhere around 6'4" or 6'7" in skates." "Let the record show those are Mr. Henderson's dimensions." "Thank God he didn't mention my weight." "And, Mr. Hiss, could you please describe" "Mr. Henderson's demeanor that night?" "He was more excited then Cleavon Philbin when he made that sensational catch in the end zone to beat North Peck!" "Whoo!" "Go, Peckers!" "Judge Horsedich:" "Order!" "This is a court of law, not a pep rally!" "Let's celebrate when we get to state!" "Order!" "No further questions." "Your witness." "And may I add, the court appreciates you finally taking your hat off." "It wasn't a..." "You're welcome, Your Honor." "Mr. Hiss, first of all, let me say we're happy that you've recovered from your coma... that most noble of brain injuries." "However, I've got a buttload of evidence against you." "Starting with the fact that you were sleeping with Margaret Henderson before she was murdered." "Isn't that right?" "Was I?" "I have no recollection of that." "You don't remember a four-month relationship" " you had with the victim?" " Sorry." "My coma must be affecting my memory of things." "Why did you go to the hospital the night of the murder?" "Did I?" "That's news to me." "Let me jog your memory." "You had shards of glass in your arm." "How do you explain that?" "My coma's starting to hurt." "So you remember every detail that indicts my client, but somehow conveniently forget your own nefarious behavior." "Objection." "That's a New York word." " Oh, please." " Objection... eye roll." " Sustained." " Oh, God!" "But it's so obvious what's happening here." "He's trying to use his illness as a crutch." "But being in a coma does not make you a hero." "I'll start." "That sucked." "Heidi:" "Another brutal day for the defense in the Larry Henderson murder trail as attorney Josh Segal once again went after" "East Peck's second most famous coma victim, Rutger..." "Who is this idiot trying to get on camera?" "Clanton:" "Pull my finger." "You better fix this, or I'm gonna end up with a dead dad and four idiot kids." "They would be beautiful." "We had a rocky start." "But I'm not buying Rutger Hiss' selective-memory act." "I mean, he can't remember one thing I ask him, but he remembers a catch at a stupid football game?" "Josh, don't make fun of Pecker Bowl." "Yeah, that's our town's most important event." "Aside from Pumpkinfest." "And the Witch Hunt." "And Map-burning Day." "Hold on, Pecker Bowl was three weeks ago." "And Tractor Appreciation Day." "And Hug-a-Farmer Day." "Anne." "Rutger was supposed to be in a coma." "How did he see it?" "Guys, we are back!" "Guys, it's over." "Look at this text I just got from Alfonzo." ""You're clearly not the man I thought you were." "I never want to see you again, except in court."" "Larry, this is one of the many reasons you're not supposed to interact with a witness." "You're right, you're right." "I'll go and talk to him." "Can you cover for me in court?" "It's the Larry Henderson murder trail." "You're kind of the star." "Yeah." "Sounds pretty good." "But I still need to know why Alfonzo turned on me." "Believe me, so do I." "But it's gonna require some good detective work." "Or Anne and I could do it." "Great." "Larry, you're gonna come with me to the hospital." "We have to do some research on Rutger's coma." "Okay, but could you try not to burn any bridges with Alfonzo." "This trial may be over some day, and you know how hard it is to date when you're a bisexual with a murder trial hanging over your head?" "Yep." "Sorry to keep you waiting." "So that has all the surveillance video from Rutger Hiss' room" " when he was in a coma?" " Yep." "I did my part." "You know our deal." "I feel so uncomfortable." "This is really important, Larry." "We don't have time for a warrant." "All right." "Okay, one, two, three." "Weird smile." "Let's do another." "One, two, three." " Much better." " Awesome." " Enjoy." " Thank you!" "Remember, you agreed not to post that." " Oh." " Smug son of a bitch." "And everybody loves him." "Josh:" "I am so sorry about today, Larry." "This is really not the way" "I wanted my first murder trial to start." "But I will get you out of it." "I know you will." "Josh, you're doing a great job." "I slept with Carol Anne Keane." "She slept with you?" "Old hair or new hair?" "Is this something people have been talking about?" "Well..." "Anyway, what happened between me and Carol Anne was a terrible lapse in judgment, and I apologize." "Oh, hey, I've spent my whole life being judged for romantic choices I've made." "I'm not gonna do that to you." "The heart wants what it wants." "And it pumps blood right into the penis." "I remember that poem from your book." "Mm." "Okay, here we go, the 24th." "This is the night of the Philbin catch." "Woman:" "Whoo!" "Go, Peckers!" " This town loves football." " Yep." "Look." "Is that..." "Oh, my God!" "I knew it!" "I knew he was faking his coma the whole time." "Wow." "He's got limber hips." "Good for Margaret." "Woman:" "Oh, Rutger!" "Rutger:" "Good job." "Now, I'm no doctor, but that doesn't look like any coma victim I know." "What that looks like, whew... is a buttload of lying'." "No further questions." "Your Honor, the people would like to redirect." " You stupid son of a [bleep] - [Bleep]" " Ah!" " Wait, I can explain!" "Rutger!" "Rutger!" "Heidi:" "Only moments after being outed for faking a coma," "Rutger Hiss hit his head and is now in a real coma." "In a case full of shocking twists, we now have our first ironic one." " Dwayne:" "Larry?" " I'm in the kitchen!" "Anne:" "We have some news." "We think Alfonzo's in love with someone." "Who?" "Me and Anne do." "We think he's in love with you." "That theory's bolstered by the fact that he told us he's in love with you." "Well, that doesn't make sense." "Alfonzo knew the deal." "It wasn't love." "It was fun... tremendous fun." "Good, hard fun." "I have to go talk to him." "Josh would not like that." "No, it will be our little secret." "Oh!" "Oh!" " Hey." " Hey." "I broke up with Clanton." "I don't have to demean myself just because I'm stressed about my dad's trial." "I can... be alone." "Hey." "You're..." "You're not alone." "You just gotta be strong and know you are a catch." "Don't just latch on to the first person that gives you attention." "Thanks, Dwayne." "That's sweet." "For the first time in my life, I'm in love." "I'm flattered, but if you care so much for me, what's the problem?" "Two days ago, you made it clear that I was just for fun." "I don't want to have fun." "I want to be with you." "Alfie, Fonzo," "I thought we were on the same page." "And I thought you were just sticking it out with that horrible woman and we could be together once she was out of the picture... window." "Saw the joke, I see why you went there, but, please, take it back!" "I can't have you talking about Margaret that way!" "Oh, please!" "She was awful!" "Alfonzo, don't push me!" " If I'm honest, I'm glad she's gone!" " No!" "Would you mind giving us a moment?" "Hey, wait up." "Did you come here to rub it in my face?" "No." "I came to say..." "I'm sorry about Rutger." "I know you had a thing with him." "For reasons I will never, ever understand." "Do not pity me." "I'm a grown woman." "I can take care of myself... which I'm about to do." "Unless you want to come upstairs and let me rub it in your face." "Wow, that is... dirty." "But I'm going to pass." "Maybe after the trial." "After the trial, you go home." "I'll be stuck here, trying to find a date for the Pecker Bowl." " Man:" "Go, Peckers!" " Shut up!" "Anyway, why don't you go on home and rest on your tiny laurel." "Trust me, today was only a minor setback for me." "I don't think so." "In fact, I think we turned a corner, and people are going to see Larry for who he really is." "Oh, God!" "Okay, that one was me." "See you in court."