"(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "(theme song ending)" "(phone rings)" "Hello." "Oh, hi, Ethel." "Oh, just straightening up." "You know I can't stand it if the house isn't neat." "A place for everything and everything in its place." "That's the way I like it." "Well, Ricky ought to be home any minute." "No, I had dinner." "Ricky ate downtown at the club." "Gee, I don't know what we're doing tonight." "I'll call you back after Ricky gets home." "Okay, dear." "(humming)" "(keeps humming)" "(whistling)" "(keeps whistling)" "Ah..." "(whistling)" "Ay!" "(keeps whistling)" "(sighs)" "Hello, Ricky baby, I..." "Hi." "(ashtray clinks)" "Well!" "What's the matter?" "How could a cyclone hit in here and not hit in the kitchen?" "What are you talking about, a cyclone?" "Well, something hit this room." "Where?" "I don't see anything wrong." "Oh, you don't?" "Would you mind telling me, please, what all these clothes are doing here in the living room?" "Oh, that's where I took them off." "Would you put them away for me, dear?" "Look, honey, there's a new invention you'll just love-- it's a hole in the wall, has a long pole in it, little metal things hanging on it and it's called a coat closet." "Well, what won't they think of next?" "Oh, honestly, Ricky." "How can you men be so sloppy and dirty?" "You're nothing but a bunch of mess cats." "There's nothing sloppy and dirty about this room." "It just looks, uh, lived in." "Well, that's a good answer if you happen to be a pig." "Honey, just drop the subject, will you?" "I'd be glad to drop it if there's any more room on the floor." "You can't expect me to live in a museum." "A man's home is his castle, and this is my castle." "Oh, all right, Your Majesty." "I bow to Ricardo the first... king of the slobs." "Thank you, my faithful subject." "Don't expect this slave to pick up after you." "If you want the house to look like this, okay, you can just sit and wallow in it." "A)', Lucy, Lucy, Lucy." "Well, here's a whole spread on Tommy Dorsey at home, and you know something?" "What?" "He has his shoes on and a tie, too." "Yeah?" "What-what magazine is that?" "Your musician's magazine, The Half Beat." "It is?" "Let me see that." "Well, how do you like that?" "My press agent told me" "I was going to get the next spread." "It was going to be "Ricky Ricardo At Home."" "What magazine was it going to be in," "Better Homes and Garbage?" "No, smarty, in that magazine." "That's a very important magazine in the music business." "Wait till I hear from Kenny." "Some press agent he is." "(phone rings)" "Hello." "Hi, Ethel." "Hi, dear." "No, I don't think we're doing anything." "Why don't you and Fred come on up." "Okay." "Ethel and Fred are coming up, honey." "Put your shoes on and pick up those papers." "What for?" "Because company is coming." "It isn't company, it's Fred and Ethel." "Well, put your shoes on." "They know I have feet." "Ricky, are you going to help me clean up this place or aren't you?" "No, this is my home and I want to be comfortable in it." "Your home?" "What does that make me, a visiting relative?" "Oh, honey, I didn't mean it that way." "You know, I was under the impression that half of everything in this house was mine." "All right, all right, you go ahead and clean your half of everything and leave my half just the way it is." "All right, we'll divide the room in half." "I'll keep my half the way I want to, you keep your half any way you please." "Are you kidding?" "No, I'm very serious." "Huh." "We'll make a line right about here." "Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay-." "Esta mujer esta absolutamente loca." "Never mind that." "Now, honey, wait just a minute." "Just stay right over there." "That's your line." "You can't come over here without a passport." "Oh, for goodness' sakes." "Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh." "That's on the line." "I just want a cigarette!" "Well, half of what's in this pack is mine." "You mean that's the only cigarette we have in the house?" "Yep." "You get Philip and I get Morris." "Stay off my side." "(doorbell buzzing)" "Oh, I forgot about the Mertzes." "What are these things doing over here on my side?" "Come in." "Hi, Lucy." " Hi, folks." " Hi." "What's this?" "Before you settle down, whose side do you want to sit on?" "FRED:" "Huh?" "Over there in the neat side of the house, or over here with us mess cats?" "What's going on here?" "Well, Ricky and I had an argument about his being so messy, so I divided the apartment in two." "This is my side, that's Ricky's side." "I wondered what happened over there." "What's the matter with it?" "It looks okay to me." "Okay?" "Sure, there's nothing wrong." "Just looks lived in." "Attaboy, Fred." "Would you like to join me in the comfortable part of the house?" "Delighted." "Well, pull up some debris and sit down, Fred." "Don't touch anything on your way over here." "Everything over there is sterilized." "Lucy, do you mind if I sit on this side?" "No, I think you might find it rather pleasant over here... until the wind changes." "Why don't you take your shoes off, Fred?" "Oh, can I do that?" "Yeah." "Oh, gee, thanks." "Ah, what a relief." "(chuckles)" "Take your coat off." "Well, thanks." "Thank you." "Here, I'll hang it up for you." "Ah." "Go ahead." "Would you like some fruit?" "Yeah, I love fruit." "All right." "Here, Fred, have a banana." "Thanks." "Good-looking banana." "(phone rings)" "LUCY:" "Uh-uh-uh." "It's on the line." "We have to answer it." "We're going to." "Hello?" "Well, go ahead, listen to your half and see who it is." "Oh, it's Kenny, my press agent." "Tell him I'm plenty mad at him." "Hello, Kenny, Ricky says to tell you he's plenty mad at you." " Why am I mad at you?" " Why am I mad at you?" "Huh!" "Because you've been promising me a spread in Half Beat Note magazine since last February." "'Splain that if you can." "Because you've been promising me a spread in Half Beat magazine since last February." "'Splain that if you can." " Oh." " Oh." " Oh." "I see." " Oh." "I see." "They're gonna do the next one on me." "Okay." "Well, so long, kid, take it easy." "Well, so long, kid, take a-teasy." "If I hadn't seen it, I wouldn't believe it." "Well, I saw it, and I still don't believe it." "Come on, Fred, you want some cold beer?" "Yeah, I'd love it." "I think I got some cold chicken in the icebox, too." "Come on." "Uh-uh-uh, kitchen's on my side, remember." "You mean I can never go into the kitchen?" "And stand back a little;" "you're over the line." "What am I supposed to do, starve to death?" "Oh, I'll toss you a crust of bread now and then." " Hungry, Ethel?" " Are you kidding?" "Come on, we'll have some beer and cold chicken, and we'll toss the bottles and bones on Ricky's side." "Oh, say, remind me" "I want to show you some bath salts that I got." "They were on sale." " Oh, show them to me now." " Okay." "Uh-uh-uh, may I see your passport?" "I just want to show Ethel my new bath salts." "Well, I'm terribly sorry, but the bathroom is on my side." "(guffaws)" "Do you mean that I can never go into the bathroom?" "That's right." "No more taking a shower, no more washing your face, no more doing whatever it is you do to your hair." "Well, no more food for you." "Okay, we'll see who holds out the longest." "Come back in a couple of weeks, Ethel." "Come back in a couple of weeks, Ethel." "We'll still be here-- a starving Cuban and a dirty brunette." "(playing Latin song intro)" "♪ Whenever old man trouble makes trouble arise I" "♪ Just put a big straw hat over your eyes ♪" "♪ You'll never see the circumstance making you... ♪" "Sure is this a new number?" "It is, Maggie." "Oh, glory be, I've got to see this." "Now, don't do, don't do it till I get seated." "Okay." "You know, you're my best critic." " Are you ready?" " I am." "♪ Whenever old man trouble ♪" "♪ Makes trouble arise ♪" "♪ Just put a big straw hat over your eyes ♪" "♪ You'll never see the circumstance making you frown ♪" "♪ If you just push your eyes under the crown. ♪" "♪ Life can be a simple thing ♪" "♪ A simple thing to laugh and sing ♪" "♪ Get yourself a hat of straw and put it on ♪" "♪ Don't take it off ♪" "♪ And when the landlord tells you the rent's in arrears ♪" "♪ A big straw hat over your ears ♪" "♪ You'll never hear the dialogue tragically grim ♪" "♪ If you just push your ear, mm!" "Under the brim. ♪" "Agua!" "Arriba!" "Yeah!" "(trumpet and clave solo)" "Agua!" "Agua!" "Very good, Maggie." "(band resumes playing)" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Very good!" "(squealing)" "Yeah!" "♪ Oh..." "life can be a simple thing ♪" "♪ A simple thing ♪" "♪ To laugh and sing ♪" "♪ Get yourself a hat of straw ♪" "♪ Put it on... ♪" "♪ Don't take it off... ♪" "No." "(harp solo)" "♪ And... pretty soon ♪" "♪ Your troubles will come to an end ♪" "♪ Because you will not see ♪" "♪ Or hear it, my friend ♪" "♪ To visualize permanent sun in the skies I" "♪ A big... straw... ♪" "♪ Hat... down... ♪" "♪ A big straw hat down over your eyes. ♪" "Yeah!" "(applause)" "Well?" "Oh, that's wonderful." "Oh, thank you, Maggie, thank you very much." "I'm sure the pleasure was all mine." "Oh, that's it." "All right, fellas." "All right, take ten." "Take ten." "And I mean ten, not half an hour." "Hi, Rick." " Hi, Kenny." " How is this for fast action?" "I promised you last night you were going to get the next magazine spread." "Meet the photographer who's going to shoot it, Jim White." "Hello, Jim." "Hello, Ricky." "I'd like to shoot those pictures tonight." "All right, I think tonight will be wonderful." "You should get very good stuff here tonight." "Yeah, and I'll tell you something else" "I'd like to do, Ricky-- some pictures of your home life." "Oh, sure." "What kind of a place have you got?" "Well, I have a little apartment in a reconverted brownstone." "Say, I'd better call the wife and tell her you're coming." "Give her a little warning, eh?" "(chuckling)" "Well, to tell you the truth, James, she doesn't need any warning, you know." "She's the best little housekeeper you ever saw." "Everything is always as neat as a pin." "Well, we got to go." "Jim will meet you here after rehearsal, and you can take him out to the house." "Okay, I'll see you then." " Fine." " Bye." "Oh, you don't say, Marge, is that so?" "Really?" "Well, it's certainly good to get the other side of the story for a change." "Hey, do you know we've been gabbing for 45 minutes?" "Yeah, well, let's get together next week and have a real talk." "Okay, dear, bye." "Hi." "Oh, hi, Ethel, welcome to tobacco road." "How did Ricky get out of the house this morning without crossing the line?" "Through the bed room window?" "No, he used the back door." "We made a deal:" "I swapped him kitchen privileges for bathroom rights." "Lucy, how long can this go on?" "Oh, it's over now." "I'm going to clean up the whole house this afternoon." "Well, thank goodness." "Oh, I forgot what I came up for." "Ricky just called me." "Your line was busy." "What'd he want?" "He said to tell you he's bringing a magazine photographer home tonight to take some pictures, and he wants you to clean up the house perfectly-- all of it." "Oh, he won't keep it clean for me, but when it's important for him, he wants the whole house cleaned up perfectly-- all of it." "Let's face it, he's a man." "Serve him right if I left it just the way it is." "Yeah." "Hey, I'll do it." "Oh, Lucy, you wouldn't." "Yes, I would." " What about that photographer?" " Oh, that doesn't matter." "It's just for that silly musician's magazine." "Nobody ever reads it anyway." "And as soon as I make my point," "I'll tell him it's a gag." "(laughs)" "And as long as it's a gag, I might as well go whole hog." "Ethel, will you help me?" "Sure, what do you want me to do?" "Well, listen, when Ricky comes home with that photographer, we'll have the whole place..." "Well, here we are, Jim..." "What's all this?" "Is this your apartment?" "Well, it sure doesn't look anything like the... (clanging)" "Well, what do you know, Jim?" "We got into the wrong apartment after all." "Let's get out of here." "Hi, Ricky honey." "Say..." "Say!" "What gives here?" "Do you know who this is?" "I don't even know what it is." "Get me a stick and I'll kill it." "(as hillbilly):" "Aren't you going to introduce your bitty, bitty bride?" "Lucy, I swear... ls this your wife?" "Why, sure!" "Yes, Jim." "This is my wife." "Lucy, meet Jim White." "Pleased to meet ya." "Whoa!" "I got an itch." "(groans):" "Ah..." "Lucy..." "Lucy, whatever you're up to, cut it out." " What's the matter?" " What's the matter?" "Look at the way this place looks!" "Yeah, it looks pretty good, don't it?" "You should have seen it 'fore I cleaned it up." "It's a regular pigpen!" "Oh, it ain't a regular one, but it'll do." "You know we don't keep pigs in here-- just chickens!" "Jim, Jim, please, please." "Please, Jim, now, look, believe me, this place has never looked like this before in my whole life and... and there isn't a chicken within ten miles of here!" "Boy, she's flying high tonight, ain't she!" "Oh, Lucy, Lucy..." "Lucy, please, Lucy, come on, let's clean it up." "Here, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick..." "Honey... honey, do you realize that this man is a very important photographer?" "Oh, boy!" "Take my picture, will ya, sonny?" "I'd be glad to." "Oh, wait a minute, I got to comb my hair." "There we are." "Ha-ha!" "Yeah, boy." "Oh, no." "Ay!" "Ah..." "Oh, my God." "Ha, it's messy, ain't it?" "I got to see if my clothes are dry." "(Ethel screams) -(screams)" "Grandma!" "You been hangin' there all day?" "Yep." "Must have been quite a trip coming through the washing machine." "I didn't mind the washing machine, but I durn near passed out comin' through the wringer." "(cackling)" "Well, come on, grandma, we're goin' huntin'." "Gotta bag our supper." "Huntin'?" "Huntin'!" "(whoops)" "♪ Get ready, get ready, get ready ♪" "♪ A-huntin' we will go, a-huntin' we will go ♪" "♪ Hi-ho dee-da-dee-die ♪" "♪ A-huntin' we will go. ♪" "♪ A-huntin' we will go ♪" "♪ A-huntin' we will go... ♪" "Jim, please believe me" "I don't know what's going on here." "I-I've seen her do strange things before but this time I think she really snapped her cap." "She-she says she's going hunting." "Hunting." "Hunting in the bedroom." "How do you like that." "That's the most ridiculous thing... (gunshots)" "What is that?" "!" "What happened?" "♪ A-huntin' we will go, a-huntin' we will go ♪" "♪ And a-huntin' we will go. ♪" "ETHEL:" "Whew!" "(ululating like Tarzan)" "ETHEL:" "Well, well." "This ought to give your musician fellas a laugh, huh?" "What do you mean, musician fellas?" "Well, who else reads your durn magazine but musician fellas?" "Yeah." "Lucy..." "Huh?" "This man is not from..." "from Half Beat magazine." "He ain't?" "No, I'm from Look magazine." "(sobbing)" "Hi, Lucy." "(crying)" "Honey, what's the matter?" "Look magazine came out today." "Oh, did they do the spread on me?" "How did it look?" "Oh, it was wonderful for you." "They showed the nightclub and the band and the shots of you singing." "(wails)" "Well, honey, what are you crying about?" "Jim White promised me he wouldn't use a single picture of you in the article." "No, I wasn't in the article." "I made the cover." "(I Love Lucy theme music plays)"