"'ALLO, 'ALLO!" "As you may imagine from the activity you are seeing, i have been under a great strain." "Ow!" "That hurts!" "The reason for this will be easy to understand, if hard to believe." "The resistance have developed a new telescopic radio aerial, which was concealed in a tomb in the churchyard." "I was, unfortunately, astride and above this mechanism, when my stupid wife operated the switch." "The aerial came up between my legs, made a miraculous diversion at a critical moment, caught on the collar of my overcoat, and thrust me upwards through the open grave, leaving me suspended about 10 feet in the air." "Lieutenant Gruber, who was present at the time, thought that i was the ghost of my dead twin brother." "And was last seen with eyes on stalks, legging it through the lych-gate." "And that is why i am stiff all over." "Have my hands relaxed you?" " Up to a point, yes." "Oh, Rene." "Just sight of you in your vest has sent erotic thoughts coursing through my brain." "It does not take much to get you going, does it?" "Ooh!" "It still hurts like hell, you know." "Lie flat on the table." "Let the blood circulate." "That will take away the hurt." "Sit, lie absolutely flat." "Put this cushion under your head, and i will be back in five minutes." "Oh, thank you, Yvette, you dear sweet child." "Oh, Rene, when we are married, i will do this for you every morning." "I hope i will not be in this state every morning." "Oh, Rene." " Oh, Yvette." "'Allo, Elaine." " How is monsieur Rene?" " Oh, he is in a terrible state." "He has twisted every muscle in his body." "Before i joined the resistance, i was assistant to a very famous osteopath." "I'm sure i can help you." "See what you can do." "He is in there." "Hello, monsieur Rene." "Who are you?" " My name is Elaine Cerise, but my friends call me E. C." "Ah, right." "In my condition, i do not wish to know that." "Now where is the pain?" " Oh, everywhere." "Does this hurt?" " Ow, yes!" "And this?" " That is worse!" "This all comes from the back of the neck." "I know well this condition." "You must relax completely." "Are you sure you know what you are doing?" " Trust me." "You are not relaxing, take in deep breath." "Breathe in, breathe out." "Now!" "Lieutenant Grubber is..." "Rene..." "Have i caught you at an awkward moment?" "You could say that." "You sent for me, Herr Flick?" " Yes, Helga." "Have you obtained for me the British parachutes?" "I forged the request on the general's very own notepaper." "Where are they?" "Bring them in here!" "Go away!" "Well done, Helga." " When do you intend to put into operation you ingenious plan to commandeer a captured British Wellington bomber with artificial smoke belching from the engine, from which you will leap disguised as British airmen, hoping to be picked up by the resistance and taken to their secret headquarters," "so you may infiltrate the resistance, escape, and organize their capture?" "Congratulations, Helga." "You have expounded the plot well." "It is because you hold such snakelike fascination for me." "In answer to your recent query, we intend to put the plan into effect as soon as Von Smallhausen has perfected his disguise." "Von Smallhausen?" "What do you think?" "I think the reality is destroyed by the cricket bat." "I keep telling him." "How many times have i to tell you, don't take the cricket bat?" "Leave the bat behind." "I'm sorry, herr Flick." "I thought i would try once more." "It is a Len Hutton." " No." "Will they not be suspicious if you do not speak English?" "Point one" " Very few French peasants speak English." "Especially communist ones." "Point two" " We have been studing the English with the aid of a record from the Gestapo library, entitled, "How to fool the French that you are English in one easy lesson."" "Von Smallhausen, demonstrate." "Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa" "Big Ben." "Incredible." "I, who do not speak English, would be completely deceived." "Thank you, Helga." "Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa..." " Shut up!" "Here, lieutenant Grubber." "Have another cognac." "Thank you, Yvette." "Ah, there you are, lieutenant." "I'm sorry to have left you." "I was a little bit tied up." "Please come over here." "I wish to talk to you." " Oh." "Sit down, Rene." "You'll find me a little disturbed, because apart from seeing you in that interesting position, i..." "I have recently had a terrible shock." " Oh, dear." "I have seen the ghost of your dead twin brother." "No." " Yes." "He rose from the tomb in his overcoat and bowler hat." "And, Rene, he forgave me - for shooting him." "That was nice of him." "Yes, it was a bizarre experience, i can tell you." "And yet at the same time, it was very reassuring to know that there is life after death." "And that one is still well-dressed." "Yes, well, anyway, this phenomenon has convinced me even more strongly that i must give you a warning." "There is a plot afoot, Rene, that could get you into great dander." "The Gestapo are going to disguise themeselves as British airmen, in the hope that the resistance will capture them and lead them to their headquarters." "Why are you telling me this, lieutenant?" "I do not know the resistance." "I am most relieved to hear this." "Not that i am concerned, of course, but when will this plan be put into operation?" "Well, although it does not concern you..." "If i should hear anymore i will, of course, let you know." " Thank you, lieutenant." "Oh, and Rene, if i am with the colonel, it may be difficult to speak, so i will give you a sign." "Oh, that is very kind, lieutenant." "What will this sign be?" " Well, this will mean that it is on for tonight." "Yes, well, it usually does." "Rene!" "What are you doing there?" " I overhead every word." "This is a very serious situation." "We dare not now rescue any British airmen in case they turn out to be Gestapo in disguise." " You are right." "You must dismante the whole organization." "We have had a good run." "Thank you, Michelle, for all you have done." "No no, i will think of a plan." " Whatever the plan is, i want no part of it." "You!" "You are in it up to here!" "What is more, by your clumsiness and incompetence, the mechanism of the aerial in the tomb is completely knackered." "You owe us one, and it will go down on your report as a black mark." "Would you like me to do a hundred lines as well?" "Who was that?" " Michelle." "That girl is beginning to get right up my nose." "Why do we not return to that little hotel on the coast where we used to go before the war?" "The one with the little golf course?" "That is the one." "Oh, yes, i remember it." "Nine holes." "Do you remember how we used to laugh at your big handicap?" "Well, you more than me." "Oh, Rene, these are such dangerous times in which we live." "If i should be struck down, would you marry again?" "Well, possibly, Edith, out of loneliness, you know." "Would you take her to that same little hotel where we both knew such happiness?" "Possibly, to try to find that happiness again." "Would you play on the same golf course?" " Well, it would be something to do." "You would not give her my clubs, would you?" "Oh, definitely not." " Oh, Rene." "Because of your love for me." " No, she is left-handed." "Oh, Rene." " Oh, just a little joke, my sweet." "Good moaning." "Good moaning." "I have a boon to peck with you." "Oh, yes?" "Last nit, you were supposed to send a massage, so that the British submaroone could meet the earmen." "Rene, we forgot about the airmen." "Well, someone should've tipped me the wonk." "For the last 24 whores, they have been standing in witter up to their nicks." "Oh, Rene, they were under the upturned bath in the estuary, waiting for the submarines." "Yes, we are very sorry." " So i should thonk." "You made me look a right duckhead." "Good doo to you both." "News of our engagement spreads quickly." "Come, Fannie, you must be tired." "Yes, mama." "Come and sit down." "She has been shopping for her bottom drawer." "What has she bought, mothballs?" "Edith, come here." "Do you think that i should get married in white?" "Why not?" "You always have done before." "See?" "It is in the paper!" ""The engagement is announced between Ernest Leclerc, son Andre Leclerc, the popular Paris conductor..."" "Symphony?" " Buses." ""...and Fannie Lafanne, late of the folies bergeres."" "How late can you get?" "Edith, Ernest would like Rene to be the best man." "Of course." "He would be honored." "And i would like the serving girls to be the bridesmaids;" "and you, of course, Edith, to be my matron of honor." "Oh, you will all be dressed in billowing champagne lace." "Hang on, who is paying for all this?" "Oh, Rene, do not be such an old skinflint." "Can you not see how happy they both are?" "Look at the smile on their wrinkled old faces." "Come, Ernest." "Help me up to my room." "Oh, mama, there is just one more thing:" "Who is to give you away?" "Well, that is the sadness." "There is nobody left." "Don't worry about it." "We will make you this week's amazing free gift." "You did well to discover this plan." "Thank you general." "All in a day's work." "All of the credit should go to the beautiful Helga." " Shut up!" "It is vital that the credit for the discovery of the resistance headquarters and the escape route of the British airmen should not go to the Gestapo." "To thwart their plans, this is what we shall do:" "We shall adopt their plan, but put it into operation first." "What a brilliant and original thought." "Thank you." "You are only a private, but ripe for promotion." "General, our faces are familiar." "We can not pass ourselves off as British airmen." "My men have the faces that is not-a known." "Me, i am not sure of them myself." "Excellent." "They will be dressed in captured British flying clothes." "The anti aircraft barriers will fire blank shells at the captured British airplane, they will jump out, the resistance will pick them up and lead them to their secret headquarters." "Wonderful" " Marvelous." "I see a teensy-weensy snag." "If i get too close with my troops, they will spot us." "And if i'm too far away, we will lose them." "It is very simple, colonel." "The Italian soldiers will have in their pockets aniseed balls." "They will drop a ball every 10 meters." "We will obtain tracker dogs who will have no difficulty in following the scent." "An incredibly brilliant solution." "The plan is worthly of rommel." "Thank you, Lance corporal Helga." "In fact, i'd say, it was worthly of Hitler himself." "One stripe is all you're getting." "Don't you know, little fool you never can win?" "use your mentality wake up to reality but each time i do, just the though of you makes me stop..." "Has she finished?" "No such luck." "before i begin for i've got you under my skin." "Rene, Michelle - backroom." "Oh heck." "Monsieur Leclerc - bar." "Listen very carefully, i shall say this only once." "Here is the plan:" "When the Gestapo disguised as British airmen land, they will be taken by agent Crabtree, who will be disguised as a member of the resistance, to an old disused chateau." "you will meet them there, but you also will be disgused, so that you will never be traced from a description." "You will lock them in the cellar and disappear." "And the Germans will spend weeks looking for people who do not exist." "I do not believe what i am hearing." "You had better say it all again." "But how do we disguise ourselves in such a manner?" "We have no experience." "My girls come from many walks of life." "One of them was makeup advisor to Boris Karloff." "All we have to do now is to find out from your contact when the jump is to take place." "Rene?" "Rene, i have to be going now." "It is tonight?" "Colonel, general, captain Bertorelli is here with his men." "Good, let them be brought in." "Captain Bertorelli and his men!" "Generally, i have-a the good news, eh?" "Oh, colonelo, my friend." "How's it going on, eh?" "Everything is set up." "I pick-a the four most brave volunteers." "You meet them, eh?" "Here, brave troops, you come here, you say hello to the generally and the colonel!" "Colonel, how're you doing?" "Absolute shower." " Have they been briefed?" "Yeah, i tell them everything." " Good." "Helga, hand out the uniforms and parachutes." "Parachutes?" "Hey, what for we need-a the parachutes?" "You're in the airplano, stupido." "You're the British pilots." "All the time, you wear the parachutes." "Gruber, hand out the aniseed balls." "Oh, yeah." "Here they are." "There are 50 each." "Wow, is this Sweeties?" "Nice, my favorite!" "You no eat-a the aniseed balls." "You put them in your pocket like i tell you." "When you're in the woods, you walk." "And every 20 paces, you drop the balls." "Remember?" " Si." " Then tell me what you do every 20 paces." "We drop-a the balls." " Again!" "We drop-a the balls!" "Here are the disguises." "Here we have disguise." "One each." "There you go." "Very good." "Put them on." "Put in the pipes." "Now you do the English." "Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa." "I can hear the planes." " Why are they shooting at them?" "They are using blank shells to try to fool us that they are British planes." "We know better." " It is lucky we are on the ball." "When i joined British intolligonce i did nit know that i was going to be a transvestute." "Dressed like that, they will never recognize you." " Thank gid for that." "Will the mustache not give him away?" "Many of the peasants girls in the resistance do not shave." "They're getting near." " Stand by to lead them to the chateau." "Right, we must stand by." "It seems a long way down!" "How long will it take us to reach the ground?" "If you forget to pull the little ring, about 10 seconds." "How will we know when to jump?" "There will be a red light flashing." "It is flashing now." "One..." "Two..." "Three..." "Four..." "Five..." "Six." "I see planes." "Our guns are shooting the blanks?" "Here comes lieutenant Gruber in his little tank." "I hope he has with him the tracker dogs." "Good evening, general." " Do you have with you the tracker dogs?" "Uh..." "Yes." " Good." "Do not release them until we see the parachutes leaving the planes." " Yes, general." "Capitano!" " Si." " It's a long way down." "Of course it's a long way down." "You're in the aeroplane, and you not eat the balls!" "Where do we land?" "I no see the aerodrome!" "Who say anything about the aerodrome?" "Do i talk to you about the aerodrome?" "Then how do we land?" "You make the jump, you pull the string, you float down, you hit the ground." "Capitano, we no want to make the jump." "Are you the men or are you the mice?" "We are the mice." " I see." "Now you are the flying mice." "Do not forget-a to pull the string!" "The parachutes have landed over there." " Go to it." "What is the matter?" "The elastic has gone on my knackers." "Remember, from now on, you are English." "Psst!" "Follow moo." "Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa." "The parachutes have landed in the clearing behind the woods." "Release the bloodhounds." "Poodles." "Is that the best you could do?" "All the big dogs are at the dog show." "I commandeered these from the ladies of the town, and i promised to have them back by half past 9:00." "Go!" "Find." "Seek." "Fetch." "I think they're only used to following the ladies of the town." "Helga, head for the woods where they can pick up the irresistible scent of the aniseed." "Come along." "Follow me, darlings." "I must leave you now." "I have to powder my knees." "Good lick." "Did you get her description?" "6'4", mustache, big ears, knickers round ankles." "She should be easy to trace." "Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa." "We have been expecting you." "Welcome." "Welcome." "Chantal, they are here." "You have arrived at a bad time." "The baron is having one of his turns." "Do not let him loose." "They are friends." "Why, it will be all right if he sniffs them." "See?" "He likes the little one." "Keep a tight hold." "He has not eaten flesh this day." "Back." "Back!" " Ow ow ow." "Ow!" "Come, we will hide you in the dungeons." "No one will ever find you there." "Dinner is served." "We think, if it is all the same to you, we will head to the coast and try swimming." "Back!" "Back!" "Back!" "Subtitle by EsToNiA1"