"I can't help but think of Goldie as our very own virgin Mary, and David and I as Jesus' gay dads." "There's always room at our inn, and she won't have to give birth in a barn with a donkey watching." "Although I can't explain why the virgin also has an adorable ten-year-old daughter." "Because she's in her second trimester, the only holiday gift Goldie seems to want is food." "As much and as often as possible." "She has to... it's necessary for the baby's development." "But honestly?" "I think pregnancy gives you a free pass to eat your feelings." "If you're nervous or anxious, have a burger." "Feeling lonely?" "Mac and cheese." "Stressed?" "Steak frites." "Mmm." "So what's his excuse?" "Maybe he's stressed." "I mean, I certainly am." "We're having a baby in five months, so everything feels overwhelming." "And our meetings with the baby proofer haven't exactly helped things." "This is ridiculous." "We really have to hire somebody to teach us how to keep our child safe?" "Our house isn't dangerous." "Bryan..." "Oh..." "Whoo!" "You see?" "That's what happens to baby when you don't have a baby gate." "Next, the pool." "Or as I like to call it, "the solar-powered water casket."" "Bryan:" "Everything just feels so stressful lately." "And I'm not saying I deal with it perfectly, but I've developed a method of coping that is tried and true." "One for me and one for Goldie." "Oh, no, I'm pregnant." "I'm on call." "I'm a child." "And I'm in luck." "I think they use these for adults, too." "Right?" "No, no, no, no, no, no." "What is this?" "They're corner cushions." "So that when baby falls, his head will be safe." "Oh, they're just so wrong." "It's like traditional-colored band-aids on don cheadle." "Why do we need these?" "Baby-proofing isn't about aesthetics, Bryan." "It is about protecting our child." "This is leather." "I took Carla around the house, and it is like a toddler temple of doom around here." "First rule of daddyhood, there are certain things that you may have to give up for the safety of baby even if it makes you uncomfortable." "And, as your baby concierge, it's my job to help guide you through it." "Why on the frame?" "What, is the baby a giant now?" "Why can't we use the baby-proofing style that my mother used, which was "don't set foot in here or else."" "The "or else" being the baby-proofing part." "David, what did we just say?" "Do you know that the home is where 99% of all babies die?" "Oh, look, your little guy's taking his first steps." "What a beautiful moment." "Quick, honey, get the camera." "Bam!" "There goes his eyeball across the floor." "Blood gushing everywhere." "Guess what?" "No chance at being a jeweler or a military sniper." "Parents must make sacrifices for baby's safety." "And we will." "I am completely on board with things like the pool cover and the fence, but aren't you being a little overdramatic?" "I mean, our baby's not even gonna be toddling for another year and half." "How about this one?" "I lean over to kiss our beautiful baby, contact pops out in the mouth," "I'm half-blind, the baby's choking to death." "All right, this is too much for me." "I have to go to the bathroom." "What's this, papa?" "Something I can play with." "Oh, this looks like fun. (Grunts)" "Oh, God!" "Oh, that could totally happen!" "That image is never gonna leave my head." "Papa, hardcover books." "Will you please read to me...?" "Those are old and expensive!" "Oh..." "Oh, and who wouldn't want their skull crushed by the sardonic musings of Chelsea handler?" "Well worth it." "Stop." "I have to pee." "No more hardcovers, Bry." "Only paperbacks." "(Sighs)" "Why is the toilet locked?" "It's a potty clamp." "You'd be shocked at how many toddlers are annually concussed as they reach in to wash their little hands in the poo-poo soup." "How do I open it?" "Just press in, twist right, tap-tap left and lift." "It's so cinch-y." "I know it's all new, sweetie, but you'll get used to it." "This is our life now." "It's okay!" "I figured it out!" "Oh, that was easy." "Tonight, I will drink to forget this." "(Zipper rasps)" "I love Christmas!" "It is my absolute favorite time of year." "The music, the pageantry and everyone's just a little bit kinder, with a little more love in their heart." "Plus you get to sit on a man's lap and tell him what you want without anyone judging you." "(Chuckles)" "Look at this one, Nana." "It's got the three wise men on it." "You can even see the frankincense, the myrrh and the gold." "Oh, it's beautiful." "Do you know that back in Ohio," "I knew a man named Abraham Wiseman?" "And don't you know it?" "He bought and sold gold, too." "And...?" "Silver, I suppose." "Yeah." "(Quietly):" "So, uh, what is the deal with...?" "Did another Kennedy pass away?" "No, this happens every Christmas." "She's "eggnog nice."" "Something about the combo of rum and cream makes her all, you know, um, rummy and creamy." "This one's beautiful." "Good eye, Shania." "That is 19th century Mercury glass from Poland." "And that'll be going right back in the box." "No, David, that my favorite ornament." "It's from my grandmother." "And I love granny." "It's just we can't hang glass ornaments six inches off the floor with a baby crawling around." "We might as well hang razor blades and shotgun shells." "Ornaments are essential to Christmas." "They're like chestnuts roasting on an open fire." "Nuts." "Oh, my God, our baby could have nut allergies." "Okay, we got to get rid of all the nuts." "No, Bryan, don't worry." "You can hang them when your baby's Shania's age." "Sorry." "Or maybe a little later." "Did you guys make this gingerbread house?" "Oh, it was a present from one of my patients." "♪ I love gingerbread houses." "It's so cool to think about a place that you can eat, but also live in." "Aw, imagine waking up and taking a bite of your pillow." "I've been there." "Yeah." "What?" "You know, David, I am not the least bit surprised that one of your patients made you such a thoughtful gift." "You are a wonderful doctor." "Bryan:" "Do they make eggnog year-round?" "'Cause I want to get her some more." "Oh, no!" "Santa's gonna have to find another way in." "Oh, like a pregnant Godzilla." "Mmm!" "(Growls a LA Godzilla)" "How many glasses of wine is that?" "You've been drinking since noon." "Yeah, and you've been remodeling that gingerbread house with your mouth." "And that's okay 'cause it's the holidays, and we're having a good time." "Hey, Jane, how about a little holiday cheer from your holiday queer?" "(Chuckles) You're a riot." "I want to preserve this Jane forever." "Hey, Jane, my realtor, Nancy Niles, broker to the stars, she's having her holiday party." "You want to be my date?" "What about David?" "I don't go to his Hollywood parties." "I'm sick of people's eyes glazing over when they find out I'm only a doctor." "And there's too much baby-proofing to do." "I mean, look at this." "Stockings within reach?" "Uh-uh." "What if a baby gets a hold of this?" "The only thing it's gonna be filled with is tragedy." "I guess that's why Santa never had any kids." "That we know of." "Goldie, Shania, do you want to come to this party?" "We'd love to, but we're staying home to watch both:" "Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer." "Yeah, someone has a crush on Yukon Cornelius." "David:" "Aw." "It's me!" "Claymation redheads are hot." "God, I hate pregnancy hormones." "Well, Jane, looks like you and me are the only ones with holiday spirit." "I'll drink to that." "Somebody needs a refill." "Bryan..." "David, it's just a tiny splash." "Splash." "(TV playing) Mistletoe?" "How'd this get in here?" "You want me to hang it off me?" "You're cute." "Not tonight, sweetie." "What?" "The only other time you've rejected me was when you were passed out from wisdom tooth surgery." "And full disclosure, you eventually gave in." "Well, full disclosure," "I don't like to fool around when you've been drinking." "It feels like you don't mean it." "We're men, that's the beauty." "We don't always have to mean it." "(Turns off TV) Okay, I'm gonna say it:" "I think you've been drinking too much." "And not just tonight." "It's been six nights a week, sometimes seven." "You've been counting." "Yes, because I'm concerned." "It feels like it's gotten out of hand." "I've had dinner meetings almost every night this week." "You try sitting across from Vanessa redgrave as she recounts her trip to palestine." "How am I supposed to get though these monotonous work events without a cocktail?" "I don't know." "Order a glass of water and zone out on someone's bad outfit like everyone else?" "I tried that tonight with Goldie." "It wasn't enough." "You know why?" "You've been rigid with me about everything concerning the baby, and it makes me anxious." "And it makes me anxious that I feel like" "I have to look after our child and for you." "That's why I've been counting the nights you've been drinking." "Well, I've been counting, too." "Calories." "And there were, like, 25,000 in that gingerbread house tonight." "Goldie ate the chimney." "You know what?" "I was gonna give this to you as a stocking stuffer for Christmas, but now seems like a good time." "A gift certificate to soul cycle?" "You're just retaliating because I've put on a few pounds." "(Turns on TV) No, David, that is a supportive nudge, because I'm concerned about my partner's health, just like you." "Oh, and we will be removing the cactus garden." "Having a baby in a cactus garden is like..." "You know what?" "I don't need an analogy." "It's like having a baby in a cactus garden." "Absolutely not." "I have spent three years cultivating the perfect garden." "I'll pay Diego extra to stand guard." "The cactuses are going, Bryan." "The cacti will stay." "I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree." "I couldn't agree more." "David, crumbs in the bed?" "Hi." "Hey, how are ya?" "His wife is cheating on him." "Hey, you, I remember your name." "That's what I'm looking for." "Here we go, Jane." "Thank you." "She has a bar in her house?" "An oasis in a snowy desert." "To, uh, to getting out of the house." "In my case, the hotel." "Mm-hmm." "Wow, she got all this just from selling real estate?" "Mm-hmm." "There he is!" "Bryan Collins, my favorite client." "Oh, mwa, mwa!" "Mwa, mwa!" "Nancy Niles, realtor to the stars," "Jane forrest, long story." "Welcome." "Thank you." "Thank you so much." "The house looks amazing." "Thank you." "Amazing." "When did you put in the pool?" "It's always been there." "It just had a cover on it to keep it safe for the grandkids." "Learned that the hard way." "I'm joking!" "I'm joking." "Oh!" "(Laughs)" "Ah, baby-proofing, that's the world that David and I are in right now." "A baby?" "Oh, sweetie, congratulations." "Thank you." "Oh, there's Justin Bieber." "I've been trying to guilt him into getting his mother a better beach house." "Yes." "I'll be back." "I thought it was hilary swank." "She was about as genuine as the bosoms on that girl." "I'm so sick of this baby-proofing stuff." "Oh, then don't do it." "All you need to control a kid is an icy tone, a pursed lip and a squinted eye." "You don't have to give up anything at all." "I didn't give up a single thing for my daughter." "You haven't talked to her in 17 years, huh?" "Oh, no, thanks." "One glass of mid-priced champagne is my limit." "Plus David's been on me about my drinking." "Oh, that's just insane." "In my day, everybody drank all the time and it was perfectly acceptable." "You went to lunch, you had a couple of Harvey Wallbangers and then you napped until cronkite." "No regrets, huh?" "No." "I'm exactly where I want to be." "Really?" "Living in a hotel, no jobs, following Goldie and Shania around all day?" "That's not all I'm doing." "I started a Twitter account, I'm taking classes." "I'm trying to establish my brand." "You have no idea how hard it is to break into the real estate market in LA." "Because you have this crazy notion that you're going to go back to Ohio." "Jane, if you're gonna be here..." "Be here." "You don't understand." "It's too scary for me." "Look at that." "Look at that big city." "There are 12 million multicultural gay-bi-straight liberal tofu lovers who wear short pants to work." "How do I fit into that?" "Where do I even begin?" "You pick a spot, you plant your seed, and you watch it grow." "That is some extremely gay advice." "Man (On TV):" "Oh, my dear sir!" "You know my assistant, Alfred, Mr. Macy?" "There we go." "Merry Christmas, Alfred." "I can't stand to see them suffer." "Kill me." "Oh, I want to." "But there's enough death in this house already." "Did you know that poinsettias and hollies are actually poisonous to dogs and children?" "Really?" "Plus, Bryan reminded me that I might be overdoing it a little." "Mm." "Me, too." "You know, being pregnant gives me this great excuse to eat." "And?" "Oh." "And nothing." "It's completely awesome." "The more I eat, the bigger this baby gets." "And you know, actually, I am a little worried." "It goes in so small, and it comes out so big." "From the same place." "Maybe we should cut down on the cookies a little bit." "Deal." "Yeah." "Maybe we could just split one?" "Yeah, it is the holidays." "I mean, who's it gonna hurt?" "Mom, can I have another cookie?" "I don't know, baby." "You've already had quite a few." "Come on." "Who does it hurt?" "And could I get another tiny splash?" "How am I supposed to think without another drink?" "Forget it." "I'll just nurse this one." "This is bad." "Yeah." "We're modeling bad behavior." "I mean, Bryan and I have been baby-proofing this house to protect our son, but we need to baby-proof ourselves, to protect him from our bad behavior." "Nana was so strict with me growing up." "It was always, "no, no, no, Goldie."" "So I think for all the times she said no to me," "I've said yes to myself, too much." "It's not helping me or my daughter." "Sometimes, I have to say no, too." "No, Goldie." "We need to cut down on the bad foods." "I'm starting right now, with our pantry." "Just... first have to figure out how the child locks work." "So, your first big Hollywood party." "What did you think?" "It was wonderful." "Although when you went to the bathroom," "I got pinned up against the wall by that Oliver stone." "Oh." "Why is it that all those left-wing commies have such terrible dandruff?" "Well, I'm glad you got to meet our realtor, Nancy Niles." "I didn't like her." "Oh, well, that's too bad." "I was gonna see about getting you a job interview with her." "Well, in that case, let me finish my sentence here." "I didn't like her, I loved her." "You would do that for me?" "Yeah." "Thank you, Bryan." "(Siren whoops) Oh, no." "Sobriety checkpoint ahead." "What do I do?" "Okay, just relax." "I mean, I've been drinking." "I had a glass of champagne and a piece of cake, rum cake." "You only had a tiny splash." "Oh, my God, I'm a quasi-public figure who's about to become a father." "I can't get a dui, Jane." "Don't be ridiculous." "George Bush got a dui and he still got elected president." "Evening, officer." "Evening." "So where we been tonight, a little party?" "Oh, yes." "We were at a wonderful party." "And now we're headed straight home." "You know, you boys in blue do a hell of a job." "Sir." "Yes." "Have you been drinking?" "I have had drinks in the past." "In the spirit of full disclosure, he did have a tiny little drink." "Tiny." "(Laughing) Pull over." "Okay, Mr. Collins." "Please recite the alphabet backwards." "(Jane sighs heavily)" "Z, y, w..." "Honestly, I couldn't even do this if I was sober." "Which I am!" "I am sober." "I am sober." "Which is why I can't do it." "Look, I had like a Demi-glass of wine like two hours ago." "I'm totally fine." "If I was drunk, could I do this?" "Jane:" "Okay." "Bryan, know your rights." "Ma'am, get back in that car." "You... know your rights." "Jane, just..." "Jane, just listen." "You do not have to participate in an illegal witch hunt by this stasi-like regime." "Jane, listen to the man with the gun." "Know your rights." "Oh, please." "I have a gun, too." "Gun!" "Gun!" "Down!" "She's joking!" "She's joking!" "I am protected by my second amendment rights!" "Get your hands on the ground." "I'm getting down, sir." "All the way down!" "I was getting down." "I cannot get all the way down, sir, this is a very expensive suit." "You covered the cord and secured the base." "Thank you." "You are a baby-proofing monster, Dave." "I'm talking borderline fanatical." "Oh, sweet God, no." "A rusty ornament with pre-war toxic paint?" "I'm sorry, but this death-tree's coming down." "The baby isn't due until way after Christmas, so, I think it's okay if he keeps his ornaments this year." "No." "It's okay, we can take 'em all down." "Yeah." "Maybe I can keep the star on top?" "Oh, that's a good idea." "Hey, what's that rumbling sound?" "Oh, no!" "It's an earthquake!" "The tree just fell over!" "And the pointy star just impaled junior right in the skull!" "Happy worst Christmas ever!" "Okay, that's enough, Carla." "Let's go this way." "Uh-huh." "Off to the laundry room." "Or as I like to call it, "the giant metal baby coffin room."" "Bryan, when the police stopped you and Nana the other night, how come they didn't arrest you?" "Well, your Nana's lucky that the police aren't concerned about old white women with guns." "And I wasn't drunk, but I had been drinking, and I should not have been behind the wheel." "I made a bad choice." "I'm gonna be somebody's dad, Shania." "I can't afford to make mistakes like that." "I know what I have to do." "What are you doing?" "Bryan-proofing." "Making sure that my baby is safe in this home." "Don't be so hard on yourself." "You're a good person, Bryan." "You're just stressed." "Of course I'm stressed." "My whole life is about to change." "So?" "What's so bad about that?" "You didn't know me when I was a kid, but I worried, too." "A lot." "Yeah?" "About what?" "I worried my dad would keep forgetting about us, that my mom wouldn't be loved the way she deserves, that I'd never get to know more of the world than the neighborhood where I was born." "And now, everything's changed, and it's awesome." "But I'm not you." "I don't know if I'll be able to adjust to all this change that the baby's gonna bring." "I'm still trying to adjust from Kellogg's changing the name of sugar smacks to honey smacks." "Maybe you don't see yourself how I see you." "Five months ago, you probably didn't think you'd be spending" "Christmas with me, my mom, my dad and my Nana." "But here we are, a part of your lives, a part of your family." "Let me buy you a drink, kid." "Okay, but I have to warn you, after two lemonades, I'm a living terror." "So, you were quite the realtor in Ohio." "Well, not to brag, but I did win realtor of the year award from the bowling green chamber of commerce." "Oh, I don't consider that bragging." "And I don't care what you did in Ohio." "This is LA." "We only care about Ohio during presidential elections." "What have you done here?" "Um, I've been establishing my brand." "Meaning what, you started a MySpace account or something?" "(Laughs)" "What do you want from me, Mrs. forrest?" "A chance." "I want to give up what I had in Ohio for something better here." "Yeah, well, what you need to give up is that 1980s Mervyn's power suit in the staggering jewel tone." "Ugh." "You know, Jane, when I look at you, I see myself." "Ten years ago when I lost my husband and my way." "I see a lot of the old me in you." "And I don't like it." "I don't want you running around my office, reminding me of what a completely..." "Unevolved creature that I was." "And I don't like being where I'm not wanted." "I'm sorry to have wasted your time." "Oh, yes." "And, uh, speaking of waste," "I mentioned to Bryan that his house is in an hpoz zone." "Under the mills act, he would be entitled to a huge reduction in property taxes." "He said you never pointed that out." "I told him I'd let you know." "(Laughs)" "That's very smart, very informed and vaguely undercutting of me." "Now you're reminding me of myself in a way that I like." "Come on, Jane, sit back down." "Now, if..." "If we're going to move forward with this, you need to know that the LA real estate market is not Ohio." "There are days when you are going to have to be a balls out, take-no-prisoners bitch." "Now, you think you can do that, Jane?" "I can try." "Good." "(Panting) 298, 299." "Come on, don't think about rotisserie chicken." "Come on!" "(Groans)" "Aah." "I was going for three sets of 20, but it's a start." "Honey, you don't need to do that." "You look great." "Besides, I don't want to be held responsible for anybody's low body self-image, except my own." "Oh, you were right." "Those cookies were making me tired and foggy." "And cranky." "I'm assuming." "Were they?" "I don't know. (Laughs)" "I shouldn't have been so hard on you." "No." "I think it's good that we do that for each other." "Who else is going to remind us of our many, many tragic shortcomings except for each other?" "You mean besides our mothers?" "You know, it's funny." "I think that psycho baby concierge kind of nailed it." "There are just certain things we're gonna have to give up, even if they make us uncomfortable." "Yeah, because look what we're going to get in return." "Which reminds me..." "I have something to show you." "Tell me what it is." "No, don't tell me what it is." "I hate when you ruin surprises." "But tell me what it is." "Oh, David, you did all this?" "Took a little hunting, but all of the ornaments are baby-proof." "Made with organic fabrics and natural woods." "And made by highly-paid, unionized adult American elves." "Oh, I hate them." "I really do." "I hate them all." "Really?" "All of them?" "Even this one?" "Well, that one..." "That one I love." "Makes all the other hideous ones worth it."