"(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)" "Everything alright?" "(ALARM CLOCK RINGING)" "Night, sir." "Nice weekend, sir." "Yes, mice always do." "MRS. CHARMER:" "Goodnight." "Have a nice weekend, Mr. Collins." "Same to you, my dear Perkins." "Goodnight, Mr. Collins." "Have a nice weekend." "Have a nice weekend, Mrs. Charmer." ""Check everything into order." "Return subject of experiment to morgue." "Cheese to mice."" "(MICE SQUEAKING)" ""Umbrella." "Briefcase."" "(WHISTLING QUIETLY)" ""Electricity off."" "Goodnight." "Have a nice weekend." "(NOISE OF THE WATERWORKS)" "(READING OUT LOUD INDISTINCTLY)" "(SOUND OF LIFT GOING DOWN TO BASS)" "(SOUND OF LIFT GOING UP TO MIDDLE)" "(SOUND OF LIFT GOING UP TO TREBLE)" "(MANTIS CHIRPING)" "(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING QUIETLY)" "♪ "Microbes"by George Harrison" "(LOUDER MUSIC PLAYING)" "(EVEN LOUDER...)" "(KNOCKS)" "(MUSIC STOPS)" "(SILENCE)" "(MUSIC STARTS PLAYING AGAIN)" "(BANGS AND GLASS SHATTERS)" "(MUSIC CONTINUES)" "Ah!" "Hatha yoga." ""Pineal gland." "Pituitary." "Phlegm..." "Press fingers on temples."" "Ahhh!" "(MUSIC CONTINUES)" "Camera obscura." "Ahhh!" "♪ "Wonderwall To Be Here" by George Harrison" "(BIRDS SINGING)" "(MUSIC STOPS)" "No, no, Perkins!" "Not with the sugar tongs!" "She is too delicate." "Mother?" "Is that you?" "Ahhh!" "(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)" "♪ "Red Lady Too" by George Harrison" "Ah!" "No use, no use!" "Out!" "Out...!" "(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)" "(SOUND OF MEDICAL VENTILATOR)" "(DOOR CREAKING)" "(WHEELCHAIR SQUEAKING)" " MOTHER:" "Oscar!" " (GASPS)" "No, mother!" "You're wrong, mother." "No, no!" "You're wrong." "You're wrong." "(COUNTRY BANJO PLAYING)" "(LATEX GLOVE SNAPS)" "(WHEELCHAIR SQUEAKING)" "(DOOR CREAKING)" "(DOOR CREAKS)" "(LOUD CRASH)" "Here you are, sir." "GIRL: "Thank you"!" "(TYRES SCREECHING)" "(SIGHS WITH RELIEF)" "It's too much, man!" "(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)" "♪ "Greasy Legs" by George Harrison" "(BANGING ON THE DOOR)" "Oh!" "Mr. Collins." "Mrs. Peurofoy." "I say, are these yours, dear?" "Oh, yes, yes, of course." "Only I found them outside on the landing." "Yes, I know, I know..." "Crumbs!" " Ain't it a lovely day, Mr. Collins?" " Yes." "What's the matter with him?" "(SIGHS) Oh!" "(WATER RUNNING)" "I say, dear..." "(KNOCKS ON WOOD)" " Mr. Collins..." " Yes?" "I've been meaning to tell you, sir, two hours ain't enough." " I beg your pardon?" " Two hours, it ain't enough time." "I mean I can't do a whole week's washin' up in a couple of hours." "There's the laundry wants sorting." "I've got a bed to change." " I beg your pardon, sir." " Er... why?" "Why what?" "Why is it not possible?" "Because it just ain't." "I mean you take the dishes alone." "I've got to wash and dry..." " You what what?" " Dry, sir." "Yes, I know it is." "But it's not going to last, Mrs. Peurofoy." "Do you hear that sound?" "What?" "Electricity." "Static electricity." "The air is full of it." "Look." "Oh, I see." " But I still think it isn't enough." " Oh, it's more than enough." "I'm telling you straight, Mr. Collins, it ain't." "Oh!" "Oh, Mr. Collins!" "Your lovely butterflies!" "However did that happen?" "I hit them with my time machine." "With your what machine?" "Eh, the clock, Mrs. Peurofoy, the alarm clock." "Oh, love'em, pretty dears." "Not to worry." "They all flew away." "Free as a flutter." "(MUSIC PLAYING AGAIN)" "♪ "Ski-Ing" by George Harrison" "(SITAR PLAYING)" "♪ "Gat Kirwani" by George Harrison" "(LOUD SOUND OF THE HOOVER)" "(HIS WORDS ARE DROWNED BY THE NOISE OF THE HOOVER)" "(HOOVER SWITCHED OFF)" "Oh, thank you, dear." "(HOOVER SWITCHED ON)" " (SHOUTS) You're hovering again!" " Pardon?" " You're hoo..." " (HOOVER SWITCHED OFF)" " ...hovering again." " Yes, I know, dear." " I don't like it." " Well, I must do it once a month, sir." "But it's only been three weeks and a half." "No, dear, four." "Four weeks, Mr. Collins." "Oh, that's not right, Mrs. Peurofoy." "I'm behind my work." "No more hovering today, Mrs. Peurofoy, please." "Now go now." "But I've only done the hour and a half." "That's all right." "I'll pay you for two." "Here you are." "Oh, dear!" "I don't think I got any change..." "Oh, that's all right." "Take the lot." "And just go." "Thank you very much, sir." "Sorry about the change." "By the way, is your daughter any better, Mrs. Peurofoy?" "Daughter?" "'bout daughter!" "I'm not even married, dear." "Oh..." "Well, we shall all be married sooner or later, eh, Mrs. Peurofoy?" "Says you." "Goodbye." "(FRONT DOOR CLOSES)" "♪ "Drilling A Home" by George Harrison" "(LOUD RIPPING)" "(LOUD DRILLING)" "(HARD HAMMERING)" ""At very close range, c.f. intermolecular strong repulsive forces are not known..."" "(CHUCKLES) Of course." "Of course!" "But apples... (CHUCKLES)" "Apples!" "Why, my good man, they've been falling down for years." "But from that to infer that..." "Well..." "Hmmm..." "Could it be possible?" "Well, eppur si muove." "Somebody had to think of it sooner or later." "Huh!" "Those Americans." "No wonder." "Such budgets!" "(LIFT GATES OPEN AND CLOSE)" "(FOOTSTEPS)" "(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS ON THE STAIRS)" "(DOOR CLOSES)" "(SAROD PLAYING)" "♪ "Love Scene" by George Harrison" "♪ "Dream Scene" by George Harrison" "(WOMAN SINGS IN NEPALI)" "(SWORDS CLINKING)" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "(CROWD CRIES OUT)" "(CHURCH BELL RINGING)" "(SIREN)" "(SCREAMING)" "(READING OUT LOUD INDISTINCTLY)" "(TELEPHONE RINGS)" "♪ "Cowboy Music" by George Harrison" "Hullo?" "Listen, he keeps inviting you out with people." "If he wants you for a movie, he's gonna ring up your agent, right?" "What's the problem?" "Oh, um..." "We're having a bit of trouble at the moment." "No, she's doing great." "Yeah, we're having a party tonight." "I'd like you to come along." "It's at eight o'clock." "Ask for me and I'll look after you, course." "Yeah, you'll be okay." "That's what I like about you." "You're much cooler than the others." "Yeah." "Okay." "See you then." "Bye." "(HUMMING)" "Oh, that's the boy, Fido." "(FLUTE PLAYING)" "(TAMBOURINES PLAYING)" "(CRASH)" "Hi there." "Remember me?" "We met at the elevator." "I'm sorry to disturb you." "Could you spare us some ice?" " Ice from the fridge." " Er... fridge?" "Refrigerator." "Oh." "Yes, by all means." "Excuse me." " May I?" " Yes." " It seems to be stuck." " Yes." "OSCAR:" "There we are." "That's a lot of ice you got there, Professor." "Well, I hope there's enough for you." " What's that?" " Oh, that's a mantis." "A praying mantis." "It is a tropical insect." "This is the female." "A solitary creature." "She has a habit of devouring the male of the species after the love embrace." " Just like birds." " Oh, no, no..." "You're wrong." "Birds are essentially monogamous and love their mates." "I mean girls." "Oh, I see." " Well, I have to split." " Split?" " I mean I must be going." " Oh!" "I hope the party's not disturbing you." "It's for Penny, my girl." "She's got a cover on Vogue." "Vogue, the fashion magazine." "Oh, congratulations." "Not for me." "The cycle of Pisces is coming to an end." "Thanks for everything, Professor." "It was beautiful." "So long." "Penny." "♪ "Party Seacombe" by George Harrison" "♪ "Guru Vandana" by George Harrison" "Nice cup of tea for you, Mr. Collins." "We have finished, sir." "Finished?" "Yes?" " Yes." "None of them were positive." " None?" "Well, definitely not bubonic plague." " Pity." " I beg your pardon?" "Pity." "Mr. Collins..." "I'm talking about the analyses." "Yes, the analyses, obviously." " How do you like the sheets?" " Red." "Red?" "!" "The water reports?" "I mean... send them on." "Huh?" "Aren't you going to verify the reports?" "Absolutely not." "I have work to do." "I... can't see her now." "I can't see her any more." "Mr. Collins, aren't you feeling very well?" "I feel a bit dizzy." "Perhaps you'd better lie down for a moment." "Lie down..." "Do you think so?" "Yes, I do, certainly." "Frankly, sir, you look quite off colour." "Once again, thanks for seeing me home and in bed." "It's only natural that I would." "Well, sleep well, Mr. Collins." " Goodbye." " Till tomorrow." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "♪ "Glass Box" by George Harrison" "To eat... or not to eat... (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪ "Glass Box"" "(PHONE RINGS)" "(MUSIC FADES OUT)" "(PHONE STILL RINGING)" "Mr. Collins?" "Perkins here, sir." "I just wanted to know if you were getting on all right." "What do you mean, waking me up at dawn?" "It's noon already." " Noon?" " Yes, sir." "And I..." "Well, we here are worried about you, sir." "Are you all right?" "I'm fine, fine!" "Goodbye, Perkins." "(HONKY TONK PIANO PLAYING)" "(REFEREE WHISTLE SOUND)" "(SITAR PLAYING)" "(DIXIE MUSIC PLAYING)" "(PIGEONS COOING)" "(SNEEZES AND COUGHS)" "You are pregnant." "(YOUNG MAN LAUGHING HILARIOUSLY)" "PENNY ON TAPE:" "Constant and intense care is vital..." "Area dries quickly and invisibly over, melting right into the skin to soften expressions..." "Slim as a lipstick always at hand for fast convenient application many times a day..." "And you can play with it, for people who like to play both ways..." "Mind you elastic suspension trims uneven surfaces." "Luxury use is only half the story." "It's the deep acting Lanolin that does it." " (DOOR BELL RINGS) - (PENNY LAUGHS) Oh, yes." "Mmm..." "(DOOR BELL RINGS)" "Perkins." "What are you doing out there?" "Well, Mr. Collins, sir." "It's been more than a week and I... we..." "Well, what I mean is the line was always engaged so I said to myself "you must go there"." "One second, Perkins." "I'm no longer a child, you know." "I have the right to be alone, isolated." " Yes, but, Mr. Collins, I..." " It's unbelievable." "What do you think I am doing?" " I don't know, sir." " You don't know." "Well, I'm working, that's what." "I'm carrying out experiments of the greatest importance to mankind." " What are you looking at?" " Me?" "Nothing, sir." "There are times, Perkins, when I must admit" "I find your behaviour very strange." "Very strange indeed." "It's only your health I'm worried about, sir." "Well, in that case I've got news for you, Perkins." "I've got the measles." "You can't come in here." " I've already had measles." " Oh, no, you haven't." "Not this kind." "This is a new microbe." "Highly contagious." "You're not even allowed to talk to me." "Perkins..." "Don't forget to wash your hands in alcohol." "And don't go near the water." "OSCAR:" "Go away." "(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)" "(LIFT GATES OPEN AND CLOSE)" "♪ "On The Bed" by George Harrison" "(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC CONTINUES)" "(SITAR PLAYING)" "(CHURCH BELLS RINGING)" "(VIBRAPHONE PLAYING)" "(COUGHS)" "(DISTANT ALARM RINGING)" "(HIGH SPEED PLAYING SITAR)" "(ALARM RINGING)" "(DOOR BELL RINGING)" " Good morning." " Oh!" " Are you alright?" " Yes." " Sorry to disturb you, Professor." " Oh, not at all, not at all." "Well, this is very embarrassing." "Penny, my girlfriend, wanted to ask you..." "Yes, yes?" "What is it?" "You wouldn't have any spare bananas, would you?" "Oh, yes!" "I mean... no." "I'm awfully sorry." "How about some sugar?" "Sugar?" "Yes, of course." "Do come inside." "Ah!" "Here we are." "Here." "You can take it all." "Oh, sugar cubes." "Beautiful." "It looks as if your pet vermin are not well." "Oh, they're orthoptera, not vermin." "They don't look good all the same to me." " Do you live alone?" " Yes." "Yes." " I wish I could." " Could what?" "Have my own apartment." "Live alone for a while." "Oh, no, no, thank you." "I don't smoke." "God, it's a drag." "What is?" "Smoking?" "Women." "You wouldn't believe it." "No, I wouldn't." "You see, I have this girl who is in a mess." "She's getting so uptight, I don't know which way to break." "Indeed." "She's into the model scene." " Have you caught her scotches?" " Scotches?" "Is she an alcoholic?" " No." "I mean her legs, her ankles." " Oh!" "She's so involved with that model fantasy, it's driving her crazy." "Crying in her sleep and all that." "Yes, I know." "I mean she must be very disturbed, mentally that is." "I'm no head shrinker." "Oh, no." "No, you're not." "D'you remember that song..." ""I've got to find a reason for leaving this girl"?" "That's my song." "No." "I don't like songs." "Music is just organised noise." "And noise is poison to the mind." "That's what's the matter with her: too much music." "Thank you very much for the sugar cubes, Professor." " I have to be going along now." " Let me show you the door." "Well, Professor, thanks for everything." "(WIND BLOWING)" "♪ "Fantasy Sequins" by George Harrison" "♪ "Crying"by George Harrison" "(CLAP OF THUNDER)" ""Drop out..."" "(LIFT GATES OPEN)" "(LIFT GATES CLOSE)" "(GAS HISSING)" "(SNIFFING)" "♪ "Wonderwall To Be Here" by George Harrison" "(PHONE RINGS)" "(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)" "(PHONE STOPS RINGING)" "(STRONG WIND BLOWING)" "(CHOKING)" "(QUIETLY) Help!" "I say, help!" "(LOUDER) Au secours!" "(CRIES) Help!" "(SCREAMS) H-E-L-P!" ""Miss Lane said to our reporters:" "'I shall start a new life." "That's what you must do when you are born for a second time."'" " Good morning, all." " Oh, good morning, sir." "(PERKINS):" "Oh!" "(CLAPPING)" "(OSCAR):" "Oh..." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Perkins!" "Perkins, come and see." "Hooh!" "Oh, Perkins, hurry up, man!" "It's... it's... it's... it's... ♪ "Singing Om" by George Harrison"