"HARRY:" "This ancient country, 38 times the size of Wales, is in desperate need." "For years, the horsemen of war, famine, disease and death have ridden roughshod over this land, international indifference filling their nosebags." "I know this place and I know it wouldn't take much to make a difference here." "A visit by Angelina Jolie, or Fearne Cotton, a hostage crisis involving an American aid worker, perhaps even a simple one-off drama by Richard Curtis." "Until now, few in the West knew that Karibu even existed." "But yesterday, the Kremlin publicly sent a message of support to the people here, promising a multi-million dollar aid package to be delivered personally by the Russian army." "In return, the US government promised to send even more aid and immediately started to load the USS Nimitz with peanut butter and freeze-dried burritos." "Suddenly, this tiny central African republic is another front in the new Cold War." "And that means that this war-torn country is, at last, news." "Finally, I might just get three minutes on the Six O'Clock News, or my very own live two-way with Huw Edwards on the Ten, because this is a story the world is ready to hear about and I'm the only journalist here to tell it." "(PEOPLE CHATTERING)" "There should be four rooms, one must have a bath." "BBC News." "I'm Jane Thomason." "Well, Nigel, I'm here." "But there's no Jack, no Margaret, no David and no rooms." "Silly twucker." "Is there nothing under Harry Chambers?" "GRACE:" "I'm sure he would wish there was, but there is not." "No, Nigel, there's absolutely nothing here." "I definitely sent the email." "Never mind." "Right, so, 12: 30." "Lunchtime news is 30 minutes away." "Plenty of time to find David and get him ready to go two and a half minutes with Sophie Raworth." "Make sure he's wearing a clean shirt." "Sophie hates sweatiness." "Okay, Nigel, no problem." "Yeah, okay, bye, Nige." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Any moment now, a very important man is gonna walk through that door, probably." "His name is David Bradburn, he is the BBC's Foreign Editor, and he will desperately need a bath." "A room with a bath." "I cannot help you." "The idiot who was supposed to book your rooms can clearly not be trusted because he is an idiot." "But look here." "Look." ""Four rooms, BBC News."" "A moment ago that said ABC News." "Well, it doesn't now, does it?" "Okay, four rooms but only one bath." "One bath is enough, just." "Very good." "Would you like your rooms on the shooting side or the mortar side?" "Which is safer?" "In the morning, the government soldiers fire mortars at the rebels till lunch." "Then they go home." "The rebels come in the afternoon when government soldiers leave and they shoot to say hello." "And what happens at night?" "It's too dark to shoot or shell at night." "We usually have a band on in the bar instead." "Tonight it is the rhumba grooves of the Blue Cashews." "Right, all right." "The shooting side." "I think you'll prefer the mortar side." "Okay, as the man says, four rooms on the mortar side, but don't mention the shooting or shelling to my team." "Thank you." "Or, indeed, the band." "Joyful?" "I am very happy, madam." "Please do not hesitate to ask me any questions you may have about our country." "Geography, history, science and nature, sport, literature..." "Even entertainment." "Okay, well, here's the first one out of the box." "Why are those soldiers standing there by the door?" "Well, our government wants you to have a wonderful stay in our country." "So, out of the kindness of its pocket it has provided all you journalists with your own personal guards." "JANE:" "Right." "Excuse me." "Welcome to the Hotel Waterbuck," "Uzuri's leading supplier of media hospitality solutions." "Enjoy your stay." "I regret to inform you that as the hotel currently has no running water," "I must ask you to refrain from using the toilet facilities for the time being." "Like all of us, they are overflowing with delight at your arrival." "Hello!" "Jane, love!" "How are we!" "Haven't seen you since Burundi." "Well, let's put that behind us, shall we?" "No reason London should ever know." "I've put it in the latest novel, of course, but here's the clever bit." "I've changed your name to Jane Thomason." "That is my name." "It isn't?" "Oops!" "Well, it's too late now." "Who's Jane Timson then?" "I think she's one of your girlfriends." "The redhead you met in Geneva?" "That's the bloody marvellous thing about you Jane, such a grasp of detail." "All the best producers have it." "Is Jack here?" "Well, I bloody hope so." "He's got all my receipts." "Olav!" "Great to see you again!" "And what about Margaret?" "Margaret Hollis?" "World Service?" "Oh, David." "You were supposed to give her a lift from the airport." "Ah." "Not to worry." "I'm sure she can take care of herself, while you take care of me." "MARGARET:" "They're digging up the A3 through Putney at the moment." "That's just as bad." "(EXCLAIMING)" "Have you..." "Have you ever had anyone famous on..." "on the back of your bike?" "Hello, Grace." "Hello, Harry." "These people aren't all journalists, are they?" "These?" "All these." "No, I think this is just Madonna's entourage." "I put my nephew on eBay and she placed the highest bid." "The BBC have arrived, have they?" "Mmm-hmm." "There was an old man in a leather jacket." "He had very lustrous hair." "He needed a bath." "HARRY:" "It's David Bradburn." "It's David bloody Bradburn." "I don't believe this." "How long have I been here now?" "Two years." "It seems longer." "I've put in all this legwork, I've got in with the locals..." "Not as far in as you think you have." "And then David Bradburn turns up and I get completely bigfooted!" "What?" "I would like to see the man who has bigger feet than yours." "I've never met anyone more stable in a high wind." "What do you mean bigfooted?" "No, it happens all the time." "Young reporter, me, does all the groundwork, story gets picked up back in London, and what happens?" "The big beasts turn up and promptly stomp all over us little guys." "Talk to him nicely." "I am sure he will let you go on the television." "(SCOFFS) Talk, yeah!" "Well, I'll be lucky if I get 20 seconds on BBC World." "Really?" "That would be the first time 20 seconds has not been enough for you." "The thing is..." "The thing is, Grace, they don't know what's going on here, right?" "They need somebody with proper local knowledge." "You're quite right, Harry." "Whenever I am trying to understand the context of my country's turbulent history," "I make a mental note to ask someone from Croydon." "Grace..." "Go!" "(SIGHING)" "The BBC, they're not on the roof, are they?" "Go away!" "Right, we're live in one minute, David." "Thank you." "All right for sound, Jack?" "Can you pitch up a little when you talk?" "Your irritable bowel is sounding even more pissed off than usual." "Well, I'm starving." "Jane, I thought I was going to briefed by the local fella?" "He's not here, I'm afraid." "You could break the habit of a lifetime, David, and ask an actual local fella." "Good thought." "Thanks, Jack." "Excuse me!" "Tell me everything you know about this country, the president, the rebels and the war." "You've got 45 seconds." "Oh!" "The rebels, they are the Karibu Revolutionary Army and their leader is called Mzee Kidogo." "Mzee Kidogo?" "(ENUNCIATING) Mzee Kidogo." "It means, in English, little old man." "Good." "And?" "Quickly!" "The president hopes that the oil fields will make Karibu become rich, more significant in the world, but the rebels think that the oil fields are meant for the people," "make them rich." "Good, okay, now shush." "Thanks." "Quiet please!" "Going in five, four, three..." "Now to central Africa." "In Karibu, the situation is worsening." "The US statement yesterday has led to an escalation in fighting on the outskirts of the capital, Uzuri." "Our Chief Foreign Editor, David Bradburn, is there." "What's the latest, David?" "Sophie, it's a tense situation." "The rebels are increasingly active here in the south of the country where the main oil fields are." "President Kubwasana's government is desperate to stop the militias claiming the oil." "Those rebels, led by a shadowy figure known as Mzee Kidogo, say they want to control the supply and use it to benefit the population." "Sophie." "The US Government say if the capital falls, the civil war in Karibu could destabilise the whole region." "Is that likely to happen, David?" "There is no doubt this is a very unstable place." "There are more or less constant volleys of gunfire from one side or the other." "But the last thing this country needs is a protracted struggle for control." "Sophie." "David, thank you." "And now we go live to Nicholas Witchell, at Boujis in central London." "Is that it?" "How long was that?" "38 seconds." "Pathetic!" "Not even a minute." "Absolutely brilliant stuff, though..." "And it's too bad the gunfire stopped." "That would have given it a lovely, sinister atmosphere." "Then they'd have stayed with me." "The boys thought you wanted no gunfire." "You want gunfire?" "No, no, no." "You're all right." "Thanks." "Yeah, well, maybe a little bit." "DAVID:" "They're so lucky even to have me." "Chelsea!" "Chelsea!" "Up the blues!" "(GUNS FIRING)" "Excellent." "Right." "That's the lunchtime." "Now it's time for lunch." "Jack, see if you can get a bit more of that mortar fire." "Useful for later." "Excuse me, David." "Mr Bradburn, I was hoping..." "I was wondering if I could just have a chat to you." "I'm the local stringer." "We've got..." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "MARGARET:" "Are we nearly there yet?" "Almost as bad as the flight." "I really need to..." "Oh, thank goodness." "Thank you very much, driver." "Could I just have a receipt for 200, please?" "Well, things seem to be okay." "Actually, I'm really pleased you're here, it means that London's finally woken up to how important this country really is." "Super." "Great to meet you." "Here, BBC key ring." "No, look, David, I'm the BBC stringer here." "Margaret!" "Lovely to see you!" "Great that you made it." "Messages for David Bradburn, BBC, please." "Hello, I'm Harry Chambers... (SIGHING)" "David..." "Pleased to see you've settled in." "I've got a bone to pick with you!" "Looking windswept and womanly as always." "You know, there was a woman on my flight who looked just like you" "but much plumper and worse-dressed." "Oh, yes..." "I thought, "That looks like Margaret Hollis, but it can't be." ""She is much younger than that."" "Yes." "Yes, well, actually I did come in on an earlier flight..." "Luckily." "Absolutely." "Tell me, how's the old tum-tum?" "Same as ever?" "Oh, well, I live with it, you know..." "Where's that Jane Thomason, eh?" "I must have a "girlo-y-girlo" chat with her before the World Service want a piece of my arse." "Oh, I'm sure they won't." "I think she went to her room." "Margaret, hello, I'm Harry Chambers." "I'm the local BBC guy and it just would be great to give you a bit of the background..." "Background?" "Yeah." "Bless you love, but I'd rather work it out for myself." "It's called journalism." "And anyway, I..." "Oh... (STOMACH RUMBLING)" "I..." "I really, really must get to my room." "Oh, for pity's sake." "Doesn't anyone want to know anything?" "Actually, yes." "I'd like to know what I saw in you." "Look at yourself." "You're skinny and pink and you just stand around doing nothing, looking stupid." "It's like being dated by a flamingo." "(EXCLAIMING)" "Oh, dear." "Tell you what, Harry, buy me a drinkie and I'll let you tell me everything you know..." "Yeah." "How can he get so sweaty, so quickly?" "Look, Jack." "Uganda." "(BOTH CHUCKLING)" "Right, I'm done." "Finished?" "Yeah." "Yeah, well, I've got about 10 minutes, so..." "I'm so glad I'm not married to you." "Why?" "Well, you're never at home." "I wouldn't know when you were getting back or if." "And I'd have no way of finding out if you were carrying on with someone behind my back." "Yeah, I see what you mean." "Lucky escape for you then." "So, how is the lovely Kate?" "Oblivious." "And how was Korea?" "Dangerous." "And how is David?" "Pompous and lecherous." "And how are you?" "Enormous!" "Tremendous!" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "MARGARET:" "Hello, Jane." "It's Margaret Hollis." "Are you all right, darling?" "Can I use your loo, please?" "Yeah!" "Sorry!" "Just doing the dirty..." "Just doing the dirty laundry for David." "Jane." "Please can I use your loo, mine's full of..." "Oh, shit!" "Yeah." "So's mine." "Oh, never mind." "Sink's nice and low." "(MARGARET GROANING)" "Margaret, Tony from the World Service has been on." "MARGARET:" "I hope..." "I'll tell you what, Jane," "I hope this isn't going to turn into another bloody Burundi." "I shouldn't have to work in these conditions." "I won't stand for it." "Radio is the senior service, you know, and not television for..." "For the blind." "(PANTING) I'll be fine." "I've rinsed it out with your bottled water." "Good." "(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)" "Hi, Tony." "If that's the World Service desk, tell them I'm not ready." "Yeah, she's here, she's ready." "Oh, Jane, please, I'm not ready." "Just get on with it, Margaret." "Hello." "Yes, this is Margaret Hollis." "Now, listen, I've only been here for 10 minutes, so you've..." "Yes." "So, look, you've got two choices." "Either, I can give you an expert and cleverly generalised overview surrounding the current conflict here, or you can tell me exactly what to say and I'll repeat it back." "Sorry." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "Yeah, thought so." "You know, Harry, you remind me a great deal of me when I was your age." "Really?" "Oh, yes." "I remember sitting in a bar like this, in Biafra in '68, with Peter Sissons and Freddie Forsyth." "I had all the background, all the local stuff, just like you, but they got the glory." "Do you know why that was?" "No, why?" "Because I was busy trying to get jiggy with this absolutely delicious American nurse." "She was a challenge." "Upshot was, I pretty well missed the war completely." "Freddie got a novel out of it, Sissons got shot, the hero that he is." "What did I get?" "Gonorrhea." "So..." "What I'm saying is, watch and learn." "Look for the opportunities." "And always wear a johnny." "You know what I need?" "An affair." "You're not married, Margaret." "I mean, I don't want to be the last scotch egg at the buffet?" "You know, when we were all in Kigali," "David scored that American woman with the fingernails," "Jeremy cosied up to the aid agency nurse and his girlfriend, and even here, that, that what's-his-name, Harry, is knocking sandals with the hotel receptionist." "Who said that?" "She did." "I gave her five dollars for some local information." "I mean, it's not fair." "I'm available, I'm single." "I don' have any kids." "I can't have any, actually." "I know." "I'm sorry." "Meanwhile, everyone else is rogering their way around the globe." "What are they doing?" "Collecting affair miles or something?" "Oh, now that would be great." "The thing is, everyone in this hotel is going to want an interview with the president, but he just doesn't ever put out." "But I know this guy..." "Mr Harry, Miss Samantha is here." "(SIGHING) Of course she is." "Oh, David, this is Joyful, my most excellent fix er." "Hello!" "I am delighted to meet the BBC." "Joyful!" "I'm very happy." "(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)" "How are your children, Mkombe?" "They're fine." "(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)" "Harry, darling." "I thought I'd see you here." "David Bradburn." "David, may I introduce you to Samantha Cunningham-Fleming, she's the local coordinator of Sons Without Guns." "DAVID:" "How do you do?" "SAMANTHA:" "Hi." "It's so weird, actually." "Daddy was at prep school with you and he tells such funny stories about you." "Why does he call you King Biscuit?" "Good God, Peter Cunningham-Fleming, of course!" "Old Cunny-Phlegm!" "How on earth is he?" "Retired now." "Bit unsteady on the pins, sad to say." "And the brain's not what it was, a bit soggy." "Oh, well, he was a lot older than me." "Really?" "He said he was in the year below." "No, no." "You're not forgetting things too, are you, David?" "Now, look, I just have to tell you about my boys." "Samantha works with the child soldiers, trying to rehabilitate them." "Yeah, Sons Without Guns." "Sons, S-O-N-S." "DAVID:" "Right." "SAMANTHA:" "I mean, obviously, they're responsible for some pretty horrific things, like that..." "And that." "Terrible." "But we're just trying to get them back with their families, you know?" "We teach them crafts to support themselves and they just love it." "After their course, they get a certificate and a T-shirt and money to setup market stalls." "Like Camden." "Well done, you." "Tell you what, though, I'm organising a little cocktail do tonight, in the bar here, so no excuses." "Just to get all you new bugs up to speed on the situation." "It's just awful." "You must come." "Yeah, it is awful." "Look at us, eh?" "Two old spinsters drying out in the sun." "Well..." "Do you know what I want to do?" "I want to e-mail all their wives from," "Margaret, don't do that!" "Once we've crossed the English Channel, whatever anyone says or does, we all stay schtum." "It's for our own protection." "What goes on tour, stays on tour." "It's the only way." "You're sleeping with Jack, aren't you?" "No, I'm not...sleeping." "Oh, thank you." "Oh, brilliant!" "Do you know, just once, I'd like to feel something inside me that isn't just a build-up of intestinal gases." "(STOMACH RUMBLING)" "Ooh." "Oh, God." "Oh, no, it's no good." "She's gonna blow!" "Ooh!" "JANE:" "No, Jack, don't leave this room." "Well, don't leave the hotel then." "MARGARET:" "Oh!" "Oh, God!" "The sink's blocked, now!" "Oh!" "Of course, none of them are older than about 14, except Mzee Kidogo, of course." "Ah, yes, the famous little, old man." "Yeah, it's sort of ironic." "He's actually pretty tall." "So, David, how about doing something on my boys, eh?" "I'd love to tell Daddy you helped me out next time I'm up at the home." "Well, I was rather hoping to make a few inroads with the President this afternoon." "(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) No." "No, I won't allow it." "Horrible man." "Come on." "I've got an exclusive for you." "Actual boy soldiers." "Really?" "Samantha, no." "Well, yeah." "There's a couple of them asleep in the back of my car, actually." "You've got child soldiers asleep in the back of your car?" "It's been a long day and they're tired, bless them." "But I could always talk to Krishnan Guru-Murthy about them." "No, no, no, no, no." "I love young people." "Children are our future." "Yeah, they are." "They really are." "And do they know Mzee Kidogo?" "I've got a much better story." "Oh, I know Mzee Kidogo." "Would you like to meet him too?" "I would." "But we can't..." "Can't, Harry?" "Can't?" "No such word as "Can't."" "Not for Sissons, not for me." "Come on." "We have work to do, my dear." "DAVID:" "Jack!" "Ready for action?" "JACK:" "Yeah." "Come on, boys!" "Ready to go." "Wakey, wakey!" "Oh!" "(SAMANTHA LAUGHING)" "DAVID:" "Just don't point them at me, will you?" "SAMANTHA: (LAUGHING) Right!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)" "(SIGHING)" "Nige!" "Jane, thank me." "What?" "Thank me, Jane." "What for?" "'Cause I've just got you three and half minutes on the Six." "Second lead." "What do you say to that?" "Oh, God!" "That's brilliant, well done!" "You're welcome." "Apparently the US has just announced the formation of an international coalition force made up of equal parts, US Marines and reservists from Estonia." "Can you prime David?" "He's going to need his serious face." "Ah, well, he's..." "He's in the field, actually, he's..." "Managed to work the old Bradburn magic." "He'll be ready for the Six, though, won't he?" "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Definitely." "Great stuff." "And see if you can get an exclusive with the President." "That's what we're after really." "Now, Jane, tell me, and be honest, do you think 31 quid is too much for a rowing machine?" "(JANE MOUTHING)" "I'm not going any higher than 35. 35.51." "That sounds brilliant, Nigel." "I'll call you later, cheers." "I don't care about your little life!" "Shit monkeys." "(PEOPLE CHATTERING)" "DAVID:" "It's a bit of a trade secret, actually." "I'm not a natural blogger, but there's this lad in London who ghosts it all for me." "Apparently, I went to see Rufus Wainwright last time I was back." "They were great, apparently." "Bit like Fiddler's Dram, I expect." "Oh, I remember!" "Daddy used to sing that song they did in the car." "# Didn't we have a lovely time # Didn't we have a lovely time" "# The day we went to Bangor # The day we went to Bangor #" "SAMANTHA:" "That's the one!" "Well, this is jolly." "Definitely one for the blog!" "Yeah, actually, David, I think you might want to have a word with your ghost blogger." "Last time I looked you were talking about going to Mamma Mia for the sixth time." "Mmm..." "Italian restaurant, I think." "Followed by an all-nighter at Heaven with David Furnish and Janet Street-Porter." "Janet..." "Really?" "Well, thanks, Jack." "I must keep a closer eye on that." "I even checked what you were up to while we were in Korea." "Apparently you were getting some sort of piercing." "(RINGTONE PLAYING BBC THEME)" "(SIGHING) It's Jane again." "Bloody woman!" "That came up Cash Cow." "Is that what you call her?" "Oh, yes, sorry." "Just a little joke of mine." "It doesn't mean she's an actual cow." "I'll change it." "Yeah, yeah, you do that." "Or the next report I shoot," "I'll make sure you look like you're 80 and a midget." "I'll definitely change it." "So, Samantha, why the Chelsea scarf?" "Oh, all the rebels support Chelsea." "The government soldiers seem to identify with Manchester United for some reason." "Well, I'm more of a fan of the Gunners, myself." "Oh, yeah, me too, but you'll find most of them support Chelsea too." "(CHILDREN CLAMOURING)" "Oh, look, there they are!" "Hello, boys!" "Getting this, Jack?" "Uh-huh." "So far it looks like an ASBO kids' daytrip to Margate." "Oh, look, you've made more belts!" "Asante sana, boys!" "(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)" "This is David, he works for the BBC." "Splendid!" "Jambo!" "Jambo!" "Jambo!" "Jambo!" "(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)" "They said you must buy some belts before they'll do an interview." "Belts?" "Well, you'd only have to take 40 or so." "No, I love belts." "How much?" "(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)" "SAMANTHA:" "Five dollars." "Each?" "No, no, that's splendid." "Give me $200, Jack." "Samantha, I don't suppose they'd be able to let me have a receipt?" "Excuse me, I'm looking for my colleague, Mr David Bradburn, BBC." "Not to be rude, but all people who work for the BBC look the same to me." "He literally just left with my cameraman and some blonde." "(SIGHING) Silly laugh." "(IMITATING HORSE NEIGHING)" "Ah, Miss Cunningham-Fleming." "Mr Chambers, where did your leathery colleague go?" "Hang on." "Are you Harry?" "Yes." "Oh, hello." "You must be Jane." "You forgot to make sure we got rooms, Harry." "No, look, I promise I didn't." "You were very lucky, Harry." "If David Bradburn had got to this desk before me, if there hadn't been his room, with his bath..." "What?" "I'd have had you busted down to traffic." "Traffic?" "Oh, yeah." "All the way down to local radio." "Only stories you would be covering for the BBC would be a jack-knifed cow on the Ledbury bypass." "Where is David?" "I'm not sure." "I think Samantha took him sightseeing or something." "Did she really?" "Oh, Harry, come on." "I hear there's a caravan broken down on the A303, between Thruxton and Winterbourne Stoke, you could have an exclusive." "But I do have an exclusive." "What exclusive?" "That you're shagging the hotel receptionist?" "That's not an exclusive." "Everybody knows." "I think I can get an interview with the President." "Really?" "Well, I reckon so." "How?" "Well, I happen to know the man who has the contract to supply the government cars." "That's rubbish." "Proper rubbish." "No, because, I think he's using the cars to launder money." "Dollars." "Look, I don't know." "Well, I was going to do an interview with him myself, but I never quite..." "Oh, Harry, Harry, Harry." "No, I was going to, but I just..." "Shut up." "Harry, have you ever actually had a report actually broadcast?" "God, yeah." "News 24 took a great piece..." "Other than the News 24?" "I'm talking about the One." "The Six, the Ten, the 10:35 on a Bank Holiday Sunday?" "No." "No." "You're a virgin?" "Yes!" "That does not surprise me at all." "His technique is very poor." "(HARRY SCOFFS)" "Please, Jane." "Just, let me do something." "All right." "All right." "I suppose we need all hands to the pump." "Yes!" "Don't kiss me." "Don't kiss her." "Come on, Joyful, let's go!" "Shall I look after him?" "That would be lovely." "Cheers." "No, no." "Even if..." "BOY:" "Come on, come on..." "Even if we had one..." "Come on." "...a satellite phone does not mean we can watch the football matches." "It can only send pictures out, not in." "Aren't they adorable?" "Yeah, lovely lads." "Lovely, dangerous, heavily-armed lads." "Who wants a footie sticker!" "(CHILDREN CHEERING)" "Mzee Kidogo is ready to see you now." "Remember to treat him with respect, okay." "I know how to treat these chaps." "I've done Children in Need." "He's not a kid, not like this lot." "And he can get a bit triggery if people don't kowtow." "Zawadi here will translate for you." "Okay, David, darling, I'd best get back the hotel and start setting up for the soiree." "Hold on!" "We got to get this interview and back to the hotel in time for the Six O'Clock News tonight." "Oh, no worries." "Juma can drive." "He'll drive you back to the hotel." "Eh, Juma?" "(GIGGLING) Kwa heri, boys!" "(BOYS SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)" "DAVID:" "Just a moment..." "BOY:" "Come on." "HARRY:" "Joyful knows absolutely everybody here." "Tell Margaret about Karim Khan." "JOYFUL:" "Ah!" "Yes." "He is like Joe Pesci from Goodfellas." "If Joe Pesci was from Zimbabwe." "My cousin Kenneth works for him." "He polishes the cars KK sells to the President." "That's how I think the regime is laundering the local currency into dollars." "And it's not just cars he's dealing either." "Khan's probably the main weapons importer." "Kenneth tells me he knows nothing about that." "Although he did give me this lovely gun." "(MARGARET WHIMPERING)" "Oh!" "Margaret, you okay?" "Fine." "I'm just feeling a bit queasy." "If you soil my car, I will be very upset." "But don't worry, it doesn't necessarily mean I will shoot you." "Goodfellas, I love that film." "My favourite comedy movie." "That Joe Pesci. "Do I amuse you?"" ""Yes, sir." "You certainly do." And here we are." "HARRY:" "Right, that's him, Karim Khan." "Right, Joyful, you grab the stuff out the back." "Margaret, yes, thanks for coming, but you can stay in the car if you want." "Absolutely not." "(DOG BARKING)" "No, wait, Mr Harry." "Mrs Margaret!" "I am not happy!" "I am not happy, now!" "Land mines!" "Do not move." "If you move, you might step on another one." "You arse, Harry!" "Why is there a minefield around a car dealership?" "There are loads of uncleared mines around the capital." "This was a government arms dump before the President gave it to Khan." "Maybe that's the reason!" "Mister Harry, I will come back with wood planks to save you from your certain death." "No, Joyful, don't go." "Joyful!" "Joyful!" "That was my fourth guard dog this year!" "Can't you people read the sign!" "It says, "Don't even think about parking here!"" "Mr Khan, hello." "I'm Harry Chambers," "I was looking at that Land Cruiser you had, do you remember?" "We were just wondering, do you know where the other landmines are?" "How should I bloody know?" "Well, there's one less now." "Don't worry." "It'll be fine." "I went on a course." "All we have to do is retrace our footprints." "It hasn't rained for a month." "There aren't any footprints!" "All right, what do we do now?" "Well, I don't know about you, but I'm a professional" "Mr Khan, good afternoon." "This is Margaret Hollis from the BBC in London." "I'd like to ask you a few questions..." "Margaret, no." "Firstly, Mr Khan... (STOMACH RUMBLING)" "(GROANING)" "Do you have a bucket at all?" "Sorry, closed." "(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)" "Excuse me, Miss Funtington-Fleming," "I thought you were out with my colleague, David Bradburn?" "Yah, I dropped him out of town with my boys an hour or so ago." "They really wanted to interview the famous Mzee Kidogo who's such a super chap." "You've left them with the child soldiers?" "Yeah." "I think they've really taken to him." "Right, listen." "I've got less than half an hour to find him, change his shirt, change his shirt again, and stand him up for the Six O'Clock News." "Could you take me to him now, before I break every bead on your body?" "Oh, no, I can't go now." "I haven't even set the projector up." "These parties don't start themselves." "We're going live in less than two hours." "Do you understand "live"?" "Live!" "Lovely!" "Best of luck with that." "(SINGING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)" "(BULLETS FIRING)" "(DAVID SHOUTS)" "DAVID:" "No!" "I've been hit!" "(RINGTONE PLAYING BBC THEME)" "DAVID:" "Oh, no!" "I've been hit!" "Oh, no!" "Oh, dear." "Phone call, David." "I am playing Doom." "Good first day, I think." "Would you like a belt?" "No, no." "If anyone deserves a belt, it's you." "Cash Cow is on the phone." "Okay, I'm sorry." "Jane." "Jane, don't panic." "Lovely Jack and I have just completed a marvellous interview with the leader of the child militia." "Yeah, very illuminating." "You know, he's very smart, yeah, charismatic." "Uh, no, he's not actually a little old man, actually." "Not in that sense." "Well, they grow up so fast these days, Jane." "Quick, get in." "Joyful, Joyful, can you take me here?" "Samantha said this is roughly where she dropped David." "I'm sorry, madam." "I cannot go south of the river at this time of night." "What?" "Where are Margaret and Harry, Joyful?" "Not here." "Please get in." "We must be quick." "There will be soon be an explosive report coming this way." "JOYFUL:" "Huge impact." "JANE:" "Oh, good." "If we get out of here alive I'll buy you an inflatable dolphin." "(GROANING)" "(STOMACH RUMBLING)" "You may as well just let it go." "I don't think the smell could get any worse." "(SIGHING)" "(MARGARET CONTINUES GROANING)" "Buckets." "Buckets!" "Margaret, no, he's gonna..." "How much?" "(SPEAKS LOCAL LANGUAGE)" "Four hundred." "Margaret!" "Quick!" "Follow in his footsteps." "That was a 500." "I'd like some change, please, and a receipt!" "Margaret!" "Margaret, get on." "Margaret!" "The Editor of the Six was literally foaming at the mouth, Jane." "He bit a picture researcher." "With no David, they had to pull together some library footage and make up the difference with something about wind farms." "Well, I'm sure no one noticed the difference." "They did, Jane." "They did." "I'm doing my best for you here." "Just promise me we got David for the Ten O'Clock." "It's fine, Nigel." "I'm just on my way to get him." "I've just got to pick up Margaret and Harry first." "I hope we do not have to pick them up." "That will be messy." "We'd need a bucket and some tongs." "It's not been a great day, has it?" "No, David." "I didn't get that rowing machine." "Went for 41 quid, in the end." "And now the Central Line's buggered." "I could be here all night." "JANE:" "Uh-huh?" "Oh, I'm really..." "Yeah." "It's a constant battle, Jane." "Is it?" "Is it really, Nigel?" "I'm so sorry." "(HONKING)" "JANE:" "Come on, Joyful." "Let's get going." "Well, thank you so much." "Jack will edit all this back at the hotel and you'll be on the BBC tonight." "You have interviewed Mzee Kidogo." "We'd like the BBC to help him." "Of course." "He has a blog." "Oh, I've got a blog!" "We know." "We have looked at it on the internet." "Mzee Kidogo would like to hear more of the music of Rufus Wainwright." "Yes." "They're great, aren't they?" "Mzee Kidogo wishes you to stay." "You can help him make a better website, like the BBC's, with pictures and movies." "I'm not that technical." "Maybe Jack can..." "Oh no, no, no, David." "You..." "You blogged us into this, you can blog us out." "Surely you can do this for us." "Jack, I think we might leave now." "Ah." "HARRY:" "Bugger!" "David will be sending back his report right now." "My story and I haven't had a look in!" "I'm bigfooted, big time." "MARGARET:" "You're absolutely sure this bus goes back to Uzuri?" "HARRY:" "Yes, of course, I am." "Hang on, no." "Driver, driver!" "Oh!" "I think Mr. Harry and the radio lady are fine." "We did not find any small pieces of them." "That is good." "I don't think anyone has managed to mislay four journalists in one day before." "I think that is some kind of record." "Congratulations." "Inflatable dolphin?" "Come on, Joyful." "Oh." "Dirty, dirty Miss Margaret." "SAMANTHA:" "That is so naughty!" "Tell Mzee Kidogo that is naughty and he must let them go right away." "You naughty boys." "First a computer, then a hostage!" "You always want what everyone else has, don't you?" "MARGARET:" "When I lived in Wimbledon, I had this leaky shower once, you know, you'd tighten it, but it wouldn't stop dripping." "Drip, drip!" "It drove me absolutely potty." "So, I phoned this plumber I got out of the phonebook, asked him to come at nine the next morning and he was seven hours late." "Seven hours!" "Oh, there was that time when John Simpson went walkabout with" "Keith Richards and most of Pink Floyd." "But no one's ever lost four at once." "Never." "(SIGHING)" "Oh, David, just pick up the phone." "I have called my brother Heavenlight, my cousins Katlingat, Elijah and Abubakar, and my friend who runs a bicycle shop in Kiramburu, and also my Uncle Brian and none of them know where the boys might have taken your colleagues." "Have you tried ringing them again?" "(PHONE RINGING)" "(SIGHING)" "Right, there's a checklist I usually use in this kind of situation." "Is the door locked from the outside?" "Yep." "Have all means of communication with the rest of the world been removed from us?" "Yep." "Have we been roughly manhandled in any way?" "Yes, we have." "And have we been moved under cover of darkness, blindfold, to an unknown location?" "Yeah." "In that case, yes, we are, strictly speaking, hostages." "Do you think they'll force us to make one of those hostage videos?" "If they think I'll read aloud from some prepared statement they've knocked up..." "I'm not a bloody newsreader." "Mr Chambers is still not at his flat." "Or mine." "I'm not surprised." "In my experience, he is flaky and unreliable." "(CAR TYRES SCREECHING)" "Also his lovemaking is perfunctory and disappointingly sporadic." "All right, I get the message." "Just dump him already." "I cannot do that." "Why not?" "Because I love him." "But don't tell him that." "Oh, my God." "Margaret, Harry, are you hurt?" "You're covered in..." "What is that?" "It's just dog." "A dog blew up." "Oh, my God." "It's Burundi all over again." "Hello, Jane." "Hello." "Margaret, where have you been?" "Tanzania." "What, you never got on the wrong bus?" "Can I use the staff toilet, please?" "You want to use our private restroom to clean the dried remains of a dead dog off yourself?" "Of course, Harry." "Not a problem at all." "(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)" "Oh, look, it's Nigel, with the west London Travel News." "Good morning, Nigel." "How are you?" "So sorry about David not filing last night." "It's just gonna be such a great piece, I wanted him to get it absolutely right," "and I was out and about..." "Good morning, Jane." "Nothing on the Six, nothing on the Ten." "This report of David's must be amazing!" "Don't feel that you have to hurry, though." "I'm sure anyone who is interested can watch another channel." "It's going to be great, Nigel." "It really, really is." "I'm working my arse off here, Jane." "Kindly do the same." "Now, Breakfast would like something solid, live around 7:40, to go in between Vernon Kay and two and a half minutes on the scourge of motorised skateboards." "I tell you what, Nigel, Margaret Hollis is around, you know, World Service." "She's got a very, very interesting take on it." "Would she satisfy Breakfast?" "No." "Mmm..." "What about..." "What about Harry Chambers?" "The local guy?" "The stringer?" "The twucker?" "God, no." "It's just that I want to give David time to really polish his piece." "I like you, Jane, I do." "That's why I'm going to tell Breakfast that you've found someone even better than David to interview." "JANE:" "Oh, okay." "Thanks, Nigel." "All you need to do is rustle up some local Billy Big Balls who can give us a powerful human perspective." "Human interviewee, local..." "With lots to say, academic, maybe a Nobel Prize nominee." "Academic?" "Really?" "Nigel, I think I might be able to do that." "Well done." "You see." "You got 20 minutes." "We'll ring in 15 to brief you on your talking head." "Oh, Joyful, I love you." "A real-life talking head in a war zone at 20 minutes notice for Breakfast news." "Yes, that will be a challenge!" "What?" "That will be very difficult for you." "But you just gave me the big thumbs up!" "Yes, I think the idea of getting a local interviewee is an excellent one." "Better than some journalist who turned up five minutes ago and knows nothing." "Oh, my God!" "Grace, don't know if you've noticed but the water still isn't working." "Of course, it isn't." "Plumber not arrived?" "They're like that, plumbers." "Do you know, when I was in Wimbledon..." "Harry!" "Perhaps you and your friends would like to enjoy the breakfast now being served in the Okapi Room." "Because, at the moment, you are making my lobby smell like the Devil himself has passed wind in it." "Go away!" "No, no, no, no, no." "Hang on, hang on." "You actually have a BBC checklist you use to chat up totty?" "Oh, yes." "It's been best practice since 1976." "It's called frisk assessment." "You've got five categories, pulchritude, blondeness, naughtiness, wiggle and, most importantly, have they seen you on the television." "That's usually the clincher, actually." "In each category, you score them high frisk, medium frisk or low frisk." "And if the situation looks like getting pretty frisky, you go for it." "Right." "And if they're insufficiently high frisk?" "Well, it is possible to make the situation that bit friskier." "Get them a little bit drunk, that usually helps with the naughtiness." "Buying them a nice, little pair of heels will improve the wiggle instantly." "And what if they don't know you're famous?" "Unlikely, I know." "Ah well..." ""Embedded by David Bradburn."" "Always carry the novel." "Picture on the back." ""David Bradburn puts the sex and war back into the sex war." "Orla Guerin."" "Good quote." "Amazing picture." "So you don't have a checklist?" "No, mate." "It's not that complicated, is it?" "I mean, we're all in the same boat." "That danger, the fear, knowing our world might end tomorrow." "That's what makes it happen." "In the middle of the noise, the bombs, the guns, the mines..." "You just want to hear another heartbeat, you know?" "And then, for those few moments, there's just you and her, and nothing can get through." "You're invulnerable." "Bloody hell." "Do you mind if I use that?" "Oh." "JANE:" "You got anyone yet, Harry?" "It's just the entire Breakfast team are planning to go home about half nineish." "I'm a little bit busy this morning myself." "Yeah, I'm ringing Professor Mapundu at the University." "He's authoritative, articulate and politically neutral." "Professor Mapundu is now Information Minister." "Better job security." "He now controls information, which means he will not give us any." "Oh." "When did that happen?" "JANE:" "Oh, God, never mind." "Okay, look, who else can we get?" "A man with no politics?" "A problem." "In this country, everyone takes at least one side of an argument, if not more." "When I taught at the university..." "What?" "Actually, you'll do." "Come on." "I'll shoot it, up on the roof." "Now!" "Excuse me, madam." "Are you enjoying your breakfast?" "Mmm." "Yes." "Adequate." "I am sorry to say that we have received complaints that the BBC is smelling very bad at the moment." "So, until you are clean and fresh, the manager insists that I ask you to stay outside the hotel." "Thank you." "Oh, yes, of course, but we are paying guests, you know." "Of course." "But you see, even though he likes the colour of your money, he does not like the smell of your face." "Right." "HARRY:" "Jane, are you sure this is a good idea?" "Surely the BBC doesn't just pick random people they've found in the lobby and put them on air?" "Actually it happens more often than you might think." "We're going live in 30 seconds!" "You happy, Joyful?" "Very happy." "London has told me the questions over the phone" "I have told them the answers over the phone." "I will repeat it to the camera." "Okay, quiet please!" "Going in five, four, three..." "And we are now joined from Uzuri by Joyful Sifuri, formerly a lecturer in International Relations at Uzuri Metropolitan University." "So, the United States and Russia squabbling over the country, the President reasserting his control." "This is escalating pretty fast, isn't it?" "Well, sir." "Our President thinks that the West wishes to use the civil war as an attempt to gain a foothold on what could be one of the largest oil fields in Africa." "And is he right?" "I do not know why he would think such a thing." "To attempt to hijack a country's oil under the cover of a peacekeeping operation?" "That would be like the Good Samaritan rescuing the man from the side of the road, taking him to the inn, and then going back to the man's home, eating all his food, stealing his cattle, and abducting his wife." "And then dumping him back on the side of the road." "That would never happen." "Apart from anything else, it would make a very counterproductive parable." "Hello, mate." "Hello." "I'm David Bradburn." "Would you like my sunglasses?" "They're the kind pilots wear." "They're very fashionable." "David, David, what are you doing?" "No, don't worry." "I can claim them back in expenses." "BBC hostile environment checklist." "Always try and form a bond with your captors." "You have a girlfriend?" "Of course, you don't." "Plenty of time for that, eh?" "You could sell them." "Mzee Kidogo is still angry with you because you cannot help with his blog." "Ah, well, mate, we'd love to, but, as David says, it's..." "I also need something from the BBC." "From you." "Certainly." "How about a pen?" "I need your help." "I come from the North." "My mother and father are..." "I have not seen them for four years." "I was only 11." "Since then, my job has been as a soldier." "I don't mind work, it is good to have a job but I would like to retire." "In your job, do you have to shoot many people?" "Not the way you do, mate." "I want you to help me to get back home." "I would like to see my parents very much." "Well, we would like to help, we would but it's..." "It's tricky." "See, we're here to observe." "If you let us go we can tell people about you." "People who might help." "Do you see?" "So you cannot help." "We want to show people what it's like for you here." "That will help." "Eventually." "Sorry." "Let me..." "Why don't you take this?" "Very precious." "It's the only one I've got with me." "Look, I can just..." "There we are." "Be worth a bit more now." ""Chin up and soldier on." "Best wishes, David Bradburn."" "David, David, is that really appropriate?" "DAVID:" "Mmm?" "Oh, no, that's a good point, actually." "Probably best to skip page 38." "And most of Chapter 5 onwards." "At least till you're older." "Girls, eh!" "So you cannot help me." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)" "Shit." "Shit." "Shit." "So what can we expect then over the next few days?" "Who can tell?" "Whatever it is, it will be a surprise." "As the wise Roman, Pliny the Elder, once said... (SPEAKING IN LATIN)" "Out of Africa, always something new." "Joyful Sifuri, thank you very much." "Thank you." "Ah, well done, Joyful." "Lecturer, eh?" "You know, that was good." "Yeah." "One of my brothers runs a media training business." "I perform role-play for him in his teaching work." "I can do a respected learned academic, a respected musician, a respected militant rebel leader and respected crazed despot." "These are the typical interviews in my country." "Let's go." "DAVID:" "Right." "Now, let's get this over with, shall we?" "(GUN CLICKING)" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Get out of the way." "Come on!" "David, get it, get it!" "(SHOUTING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)" "Rugby is my game." "(SHOUTING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)" "I'm sorry." "(BOY SCREAMING)" "(ALL CLAMOURING)" "(GROWLING)" "Good morning!" "You owe me money." "I had to get a new guard dog after you exploded the last one." "$200, please." "What?" "I was the one who was nearly killed." "$200, please." "Please, can you get your dog off me?" "Perhaps he likes the taste of his predecessor." "I should have called him Idi." "It's a Ugandan joke." "All right, all right." "If a dog had exploded all over me, I would have had a wash." "This hotel has no running water." "There is a pool." "You're not allowed in the pool unless you've had a shower." "Hotel rules." "Mr. Khan, does your showroom have hot, running water at all?" "Of course." "This is Africa, not the Third World." "Mr Khan, I will more than compensate you for the cost of your new guard dog, if you will supply me with a shower and some extra information." "(ALL CHEERING)" "(SHOUTING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)" "(ALL CHEERING)" "(BOYS SPEAKING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)" "(BOY SHOUTING)" "JACK:" "David!" "(BLOWING WHISTLE)" "No, she's not answering." "I think she plays tennis on Thursday mornings." "Are you sure this is where Samantha said she dropped them off?" "She wasn't sure "exactly"." "Bloody woman!" "I don't know how she runs that charity." "She couldn't run a bath." "Yeah, none of us have managed that yet." "(SIGHING)" "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with B." "Baboon." "Too easy." "Will you pack it in!" "Do you know what happens if we don't find them?" "Do you know what the consequences are?" "Do you?" "I might get to do an exclusive report on Newsnight on David's kidnapping?" "No." "Right." "Sorry." "I'm sure we'll find him." "I'm sorry." "It's your turn." "I spy with my little eye something beginning with..." "Hello, boys." "S." "Samantha!" "It was shrub." "(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)" "Mzee Kidogo says you are no good." "You cannot help with his blog." "You cannot show premiership highlights." "You cannot even play football." "What kind of hostages are you?" "I am very sorry, it's just I don't know anything about computers." "Or football." "He supports Arsenal." "Arsenal!" "Are you sure you wouldn't like a BBC key ring?" "(SHOUTS IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)" "No?" "All right." "Mzee Kidogo says you will do as you are told." "You are his prisoners." "He has seen videos on the internet." "You will make videos for us." "Juma." "You will do this." "(GUN COCKING)" "Hello." "My name is David Bradburn." "I'm the BBC's Chief Foreign Editor." "I can't really tell you where I am because then you might find me." "(CAT MEWING)" "(WOMAN SINGING)" "(TOXIC BY BRITNEY SPEARS PLAYING)" "Leave Bradburn alone." "Please." "(WHISTLE BLOWING)" "(STAR WARS THEME PLAYING)" "(MOUTHING BARBIE GIRL)" "Hello, boys!" "(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)" "They are so sweet!" "Jack!" "Right, right, both of you, as your line manager," "I want you to be aware that there is counselling available, should you find it necessary." "If you want to talk, my door is always open." "No, thanks." "Yes, please." "What the hell were you doing?" "Barbie Girl, by Aqua." "Why?" "It's not even their best track." "Oh, please." "They wanted us to make a video like they'd seen on the internet." "David thought they meant a hostage video." "They didn't." "Right." "Let's get out of here." "Should we..." "Uh, uh, uh." "Haven't you forgotten something?" "Come on." "Oh, yes." "A promise is a promise." "Interview." "And the belts." "Absolutely." "Come on, boys." "So, David, all things considered, what's your frisk assessment of her, then?" "I'll tell you what, I've suddenly become highly frisk averse." "Comb." "Thank you." "(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)" "Oh, it's Margaret." "She says, "I've found a source of running water." ""Do you still need a shower?"" "Tell her, yes." "So, it's two minutes on VT and then the big two-way, right?" "Yeah, they want three minutes on that, it's a biggie." "No less than I deserve I might say." "And there have been some important developments in Karibu in the last few hours, so, for a special report, we go to our chief correspondent, David Bradburn." "This is one of the most difficult and dangerous countries" "I've reported from in my 30 years of..." "You'll like this." "Vintage David." "The story of oil..." "He looks older somehow." "And shorter." "JACK:" "Nothing to do with me." "Fancy a game of Bradburn Bravery Bingo, then?" "Five mentions of personal heroism for a full house?" "Okay, then." "What do I win?" "Uh, yes, please." "I ventured into the heart of this dangerous land." "It's the children here who're tragically taking the full brunt of the civil war." "They're kidnapped from their homes by the rebels." "Children as young as eight are forced to fight." "Despite the fighting, the lawlessness and the very real danger to ourselves, we set out to find these children." "It was a troubling journey, and one from which I did not emerge unscathed." "Three." "I played football with these children, at some risk to myself." "JANE:" "And the close up." "JACK:" "Fair enough." "That's four." "He's not going to beat his record." "How many is that?" "Seven." "Bosnia." "Caught some shrapnel." "Nine mentions in three reports and an article in The Sunday Times." "What really happened?" "Tripped over a cameraman." "Four is good enough." "DAVID: ...the trauma of their daily lives." "I can see them again soon." "David Bradburn there." "And for more on this, we go to our correspondent Harry Chambers, who is live by videophone from outside the Interior Ministry in Uzuri." "Yes, George, in his first interview since the crisis began, the reclusive President Kubwasana issued a stark warning to the West today not to send troops into his country." "He wouldn't appear on camera, but in an interview for the World Service, he told the our Special Africa Correspondent, Margaret Hollis, that he won't be bullied by what he calls the pit bulls, poodles, and lapdogs of the West." "MARGARET:" "Mr President, is Karibu really..." "Oh, that is a scoop!" "I think you've just been bigfooted, mate." "Been a while, hasn't it?" "Actually, I think we've just witnessed the world's first small footing." "I want him sacked." "And her." "And you and him." "(MOUTHING)" "Oh, and fuck Chelsea!" "(GUNS FIRING)" "(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)" "JANE:" "Nigel." "Well done, my dear." "Nice work all round." "Tell David we'd love a follow-up piece with that kid." "Tell you what, Nigel, I thought it might be nicer to try and find the boy's parents." "I thought we might it might be nicer to try and find the kid's parents, perhaps." "Okay, Nigel." "NIGEL:" "Oh, and the editor of the Six says sorry they couldn't get to David after all." "But tell him not to worry." "I think he might just have done enough to really own this story." "JANE:" "Oh, good, I'll tell him." "(MOUTHING SHOW ME THE WAY TO AMARILLO)" "(MOUTHING)" "A breakthrough tonight, after two days of deadlock, as I pop my Six O'Clock cherry," "Margaret gets a meaty interview for the World Service, a car dealer gets a new dog," "and David hits the top of the viral charts in every English speaking country in the world." "There are grounds, at last, for cautious optimism here." "Well, at least for my career." "Probably not the country, though." "Not yet." "JOYFUL:" "Hey, do not strike my vehicle." "I'm trying to sell it." "JOYFUL:" "Hey, do not strike my vehicle." "I'm trying to sell it." "(SHOW ME THE WAY TO AMARILLO PLAYING)"