"(Pigeons cooing)" "There was a time when meadow, grove, and stream" "The earth and every common sight" "To me did seem Apparell'd in celestial light" "The glory and the freshness of a dream" "(Muttering)" "(Birdsong outside )" "(Muttering)" "(Tuts ) Child." "Hold that then." "Quickly." "(Birdsong)" "(Mutters )" "Just hold still." "Put your hat on." "(Mutters )" "It'll last all through the summer." "Run along." "Run along." "(Birdsong)" "(Shrill birdsong)" "(Pigeons cooing)" "(Insects chirping)" "(Chirping continues )" "(Insect buzzing)" "(Insects buzzing)" "(Insects chirping and buzzing)" "(Buzzing stops )" "(Door squeaks )" "(Alice ) How queer everything is today!" "I wonder if I've been changed in the night?" "Let me think." "Was I the same when I got up this morning?" "I almost think I can remember feeling a little different." "But if I'm not the same, the next question is, who in the world am I?" "Ah, that's the great puzzle!" "Who am I?" "(Birdsong)" "I'll try if I know all the things I used to." "Let me see." "four times five is...is twelve," "and four times six is thirteen, and four times seven is..." "(Handle rattles )" "Curiouser and curiouser!" "(Sighing)" "How doth the little crocodile Improve his shining tail" "And pour the waters of the Nile On every golden scale!" "(Birdsong)" " (Whirring and creaking) - (Gasps )" " (Birdsong) - (Wind howls)" "(Distorted voices )" "I think the main problem is how we all get dry." "(Others ) Yes, yes." "If you'd all be quiet and listen to me, I'll soon make you dry enough!" "Yes, yes, yes." " Are you ready?" " Yes, yes." " Here is the driest thing that I know." " Yes, yes." " Silence all around, please." " Yes, yes, yes." "William the Conqueror, whose cause was favored by the Pope, was soon submitted to by the English, who wanted leaders, and were of late much accustomed to usurpation and conquest." "Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria..." "I have never been so bored in my life." " Yes." "Yes, yes." " Yes, yes." "Did you speak?" " No, not a word." " Yes, yes." " I thought you did." " Yes, yes, yes." " I shall proceed." " Yes, yes." "Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria, soon declared for him..." " Ugh!" " Oh!" "..and even Stigand, as the patriotic archbishop of Canterbury, found it advisable to go with Edgar Atheling and offer William the crown." "While the country still reeled under the shock of the conquest, the conqueror followed it by introducing the feudal system..." " (Snoring) - ..which was hardly a ray of sunshine..." " Agh!" " ..as it drove a coach and horses through the middle of the Anglo-Saxon politic as it was then." "Hm?" "Oh." " How are you getting on now, my dear?" " Yes?" "Oh, in that case, I move that this meeting adjourn for more energetic measures, and I think a good thing would be to have a Caucus-race." "What's a Caucus-race?" "Well, best way to explain it..." " (Church organ playing) - ..is for us all to do it, hm?" "Come along, come along!" " (Church organ playing) - (Chatter)" "(Choir singing hymn )" "Oh!" "This'll never do." "Come on, come on, come on!" "Come on!" "Come on, come on!" "Come along now, come along!" "Off you go, that's it, that's it." "Come on now, come on!" "(Shouting)" "(Squealing)" "(Squeals and grunts )" " All right, the race is over!" " (Groans )" "(Others ) Who has won?" "Who has won?" "Everybody's won, and everyone must have prizes." "Prizes..." "Prizes..." "Prizes..." "Prizes..." "Prizes." "Prizes..." "Prizes..." "Prizes..." "Prizes..." "Who's to give the prizes?" " Why, she will, of course." " Prizes." " The prizes." " Prizes." "Prizes." "Prizes." "Prizes." "Prizes." "Prizes." " Prizes." "Prizes." " Prizes." " Prizes." "Prizes." " Prizes." " Prizes." "Prizes." " Prizes." " Prizes." " Prizes." "She must have a prize herself, of course." "Well, of course she must." "Er..." "what else have you got in your pocket, eh?" " Only a thimble." " Oh, let me see." "Oh!" "I beg your acceptance of this elegant thimble." "(Muted cheering)" "Perhaps you would care to continue with your story." "You obviously have your own methods of drying off." "I don't see why I should waste my breath on it any more." " More story." " More story." "I'll do nothing of the sort." "What a pity he wouldn't stay!" "Come along!" "Come along!" "We're late." "(Birdsong)" "(Rabbit) Mary Ann." "Mary Ann." "Fetch me my gloves this moment." "(Rustling)" "Quickly, quickly." "(Whispering)" "(Whispering)" "I'm sure I'm not Ada." "She's got long ringlets." "My hair doesn't go in ringlets at all." "And I'm sure I can't be Mabel, because I know all sorts of things and she knows nothing." "Besides, she's she and I'm..." "Oh dear, how puzzling it all is!" "How doth the little crocodile Improve his shining tail" "And pour the waters of the Nile On every golden scale!" "How cheerfully he seems to grin How neatly spread his claws" "And welcome little fishes in With gently smiling jaws!" "(Sighs)" "I must be Mabel after all." "Oh, I'll have to go and live in that poky little house." "(Rabbit) Mary Ann, do you hear me?" "Fetch me my gloves and fan." "I'll go round and get in the window." "(Animal groans )" "(Whispering)" " Mary Ann." " (Whispering and squealing)" "And a barrelful will do to begin with." " (Whispering)" " A barrelful of what?" "(Cries, growls and whispers )" "We must burn the house down." "(Violin plays scratchily)" "(Dog barking)" "(Barking)" "(Barking continues )" "(Alice gasping)" "(Gasping)" "Who are you?" "Who are you?" "(Tapping)" "Who are you?" "(He sighs )" "(Door creaks )" "Who are you?" "Come on, don't just stand there." "Who are you?" "I'm afraid I don't know just at the moment." "I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I've changed several times since then." "What do you mean by that exactly?" "Explain yourself." "Afraid I can't explain myself." "I'm not myself, you see." "No, I don't see." "Well, I can't put it any more clearly, I'm afraid, because I don't understand it myself, and it's very confusing changing size so often." "It's not at all." "Well, I imagine you'll feel a bit queer when you change size, won't you?" " Not a bit." " Well, it feels very queer to me." "Who are you?" "I think you ought to tell me who you are first." "Why?" "(Stutters ) Come back!" "Come..." "I have something important to say." "Yes?" "Keep your temper." "Is that all?" "No." "(Clock ticking)" "So..." " you're thinking of changing, are you?" " I'm afraid I am." "You see, I can't remember things I used to and I can't stay the same size for more than ten minutes together." "What sort of things?" "Well, I've tried to say How Doth The Little Busy Bee, but it came out all different." "Very well." "Repeat..." "You Are Old, Father William." ""You are old, Father William," the young man said..." " (Clock ticking) - "And your hair has become very white;" ""And yet you incessantly stand on your head-- Do you think at your age it is right?"" " (Clock ticking) - "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his gray locks..." " Um..." " (Clock ticking)" "Um..." ""In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his gray locks," " "I kept all my limbs very supple" - (Clock ticking)" ""By the use of this ointment" ""One shilling a box-- Allow me to sell you a couple?"" " (Clock ticking) - "You are old," said the youth," ""and your jaws are too weak For anything tougher than..." " "than suet;" " (Clock ticking)" ""Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?"" ""Be off or I'll kick you downstairs!"" "(Snorts ) That's not quite right!" "I'm afraid some of the words seem to have got altered." "No!" "It is wrong from beginning to end." "What...what size do you want to be?" "I'm not particular as to size." "It's just that one doesn't like changing so often, you know." "No, I don't know." " Are...are you happy now?" " Well, I'd like to be a little larger." "Hm." "Seems a very nice size to me." " But I'm not used to it." " Hm." " (Sighs ) You'll get used to it in time." " (Clock ticking)" " (Hammering on door) - (Shouting)" " (Shattering) - (Laughter)" "You'll never make them people hear in there, you see, cos they're..." "like they're making too much noise themselves." "I mean, you follow what I mean." "You can hear 'em." "How am I to get in, then?" "Hm." " Hm!" " (Shouting continues )" "(Shattering)" "Hm!" "(Shattering)" "Hm." "Oh, excuse me." "Something seems to be cropping up in this area over here." "An invitation from the Queen for the Duchess to play croquet." "Oh, let's have a look." "This the one, then, is it?" "Mm." "Yes, right, then." "Thank you." " (Grunts ) - (Smash)" "Just, er...just sink quietly out of sight for me, will you?" "(Shattering and laughter)" "Yes." " (Dog barks ) - (Shattering)" " Now, then." "I'll tell you what I'll do." " (Shattering)" " (Wild laughter)" " Tell you what I'll do for you." "Nothing." "How's that?" "Any good to you at all?" "Nothing?" "I mean, I wouldn't be able to do it straightaway, I'll say that." "I couldn't possibly do it straightaway cos I got all these things cropping up I have to deal with." "I..." "Well, you saw just now." " Something cropped up there." " (Smash)" "And I get...the same type of thing I get cropping up all the time, you see." "So naturally I got my hands full." "But if I was to do nothing for you..." "I can't promise I could, but if I was to do nothing for you," "I'd have to sort of find a time, you see, when I could squeeze it in, you see what I mean?" " I think you're absolutely idiotic." " Oh." "Oh, well." "Maybe I am." "Maybe I'm not." "(Raised voices )" " (Water bubbling) - (Cackling and shushing)" "(Baby gurgling)" "(Baby gurgling)" " (Baby gurgling) - (Hums tune )" " Why does your cat look like that?" " It's a Cheshire cat, that's why." "(Chuckles )" "Pig!" "I didn't know that Cheshire cats looked like that." "All of them can and most of them do." " I don't know that any of them do." " You don't know much and that's a fact." "(Gasping and wheezing)" "(Snorting)" "(Sneezes )" "(Baby gurgles )" "Oh dear, oh dear." "(Grunting and snorting)" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Here we go, here we go, here we go." " (Sneezes )" " Mind the baby!" "(Baby cries )" "If everybody minded their own business, the world would turn a great deal faster than it does." "That wouldn't be a great advantage." "The world turns on its axis every 24 hours." "Oh-ho-ho!" "Don't bother me, I never could abide figures." "Could I?" " (He burbles ) - (Baby chuckles )" "Speak roughly to your little boy And beat him when he sneezes" "He only does it to annoy Because he knows it teases!" "(Baby cries )" " (Both) Wow!" "Wow!" "Wow!" " (Baby cries )" "I speak severely to my boy I beat him when he sneezes" "For he can thoroughly enjoy The pepper when he pleases!" " (Baby crying) - (Both chant song)" "Wow, wow, wow, wow!" "(Baby oinks )" "(Cook) Yes, yes." "I speak severely to my boy I beat him when he sneezes" "For he could thoroughly enjoy The pepper if he pleases!" "(Cook) Yes, yes, yes." "Here, nurse him for a bit." "(Pig-like squeal)" "(Piglet squeals)" "Which way ought I to go from here?" "(Whispers) That depends a great deal on where you want to go to." "I don't much care where." "(Whispers) Then it doesn't matter which way you go." "So long as I get somewhere." "(Whispers) Oh, you're sure to do that if you only walk long enough." "What sort of people live about here?" "(Whispers) In that direction is a Hatter." "and in that direction lives a March Hare." "(Whispers) They're both mad." "But I don't want to go among mad people." "(Whispers) Oh, you can't help that." "we're all mad here." "(Whispers) I'm mad." "You're mad." "(Whispers) By-the-by, what became of the baby?" "I'd nearly forgotten to ask." "It turned into a pig." "(Whispers) Ha." "I thought it would." "(Whispers) Did you say pig, or fig?" "I said pig." "(Birdsong)" "(Bees buzzing)" "No room." "Oh." " No room." " No room." "No room, no room." " There's no..." " No room!" "No room." "No, no, no room." "No room." " No room." " There's no room." " No room." " There's no room." " There's plenty of room." " Oh." "Oh." " Have some wine." " I don't see any wine." " There isn't any." " Then it wasn't very civil of you to offer it." "It wasn't very civil of you to sit down before you were invited." "I thought you did invite me, and anyway, the table's laid for a great deal more than three." "Your, um...your... your hair, er...wants cutting." "You shouldn't make personal remarks." "It's very rude." "Oh." "Why is a raven like a writing-desk, I wonder." "(Alice ) Oh, I'm glad you've begun asking riddles." "I think I can guess that one." "Do you mean that you can find the answer to it?" " (Alice ) Exactly." " Then you should say what you mean." "(Alice ) I do." "At least, I mean what I say." " It's the same thing, you know." " It isn't the same thing a bit." "You might as well say that I, er..."I see what I eat" is the same thing as "I eat what I see"!" "You might just as well say that "I like what I get" is the same thing as "I get what I like"!" "Yes." "You might as well say..." ""I sleep when I breathe" is the same thing as "I breathe when I sleep"!" " Oh, it is the same thing with you." " (Chuckles )" "(Insects buzz )" "(Yawning)" " Oh, what day of the month is it?" " I think it's the fourth." "Oh!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Two days wrong!" "I knew that butter wouldn't be good for the works." " (Insect buzzes )" " It was the best butter." "Yes, but we must have got some crumbs in with it or something." "I told you not to use the bread-knife." " It was the best butter." " That's as maybe." "What a curious watch!" "It tells the day of the month and not what time it is." "Of course it does, child." "Does your watch tell you what year it is?" "Of course not." "That's because it's the same year for so long together." "Exactly!" "Well, it's just the same with my watch." "Oh!" "# When Adam and Eve were first deprived of the golden hand by Heaven..." "Oh, the Dormouse is falling asleep again." " Have you guessed the riddle yet?" " No, I give up." "What is the answer?" "I haven't the slightest idea." "Nor I." "I think you might do something better with your time than waste it on riddles that have no answers." "If you knew Time as well as I do, you wouldn't talk about it." "It's him." "I don't know what you mean." "Of course you don't!" "I dare say you've never even spoken to Time!" "Perhaps not, but I know I have to beat time when I learn music." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Ho-ho-ho-ho!" "That accounts for it!" "He can't stand beating." "But if you keep on good terms with Time, he'll do anything with a clock that you want." "For example, supposing it's half past nine in the morning, you just whisper a hint to Time." "Around goes the clock and it's half past one in the afternoon, time for dinner!" "I only wish it were." "(Alice ) Yes, it might be rather nice but then I wouldn't be hungry for it, you know." "Not at first, perhaps, but you could keep it at half past one for as long as you like." " (Alice ) Is that the way you manage?" " Oh, no, no, no, no." "We quarreled last March." "Just before he went mad, you know." "It was at a concert given by the Queen of Hearts." "I had to sing that song." "# Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!" "# How I wonder what you're at!" "#" "You're familiar with it, doubtless?" " I've heard something like it." " Yes, it goes on..." "# Up above the world the world you fly..." " (Insect buzzes ) - # Like a tea tray in the sky" "# Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle..." "Oh, well, I'd hardly finished the first verse when the Queen jumps up and bawls out, "He's murdering the Time!" "Off with his head!"" " How dreadfully savage!" " Oh, yes, yes, yes!" "Ho-ho!" "And ever since then, Time won't do a thing for me." "It's always six o'clock now." "(Alice ) Is that the reason why so many tea things are put out here?" "Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes." "It's always...it's always teatime and of course we don't get much time to wash the things up between whiles." " So you keep moving round, I suppose." " Oh, we keep...we keep moving round." "Yes, yes, yes." "As the things get used up." "What happens when you get back to the beginning?" " Oh!" " Suppose we change the subject." "I'm getting dreadfully bored by this." " I vote the young lady tells us a story." " Oh." " I'm afraid I don't know one." " Oh." "Then the Dormouse will." "I wasn't asleep." "I heard every word you fellows were saying." "Tell us a story!" "You'd better get on with it, otherwise you'll fall asleep again before you're done." " (Insects buzz )" " Heh-heh-heh." "Once upon a time there were three little sisters." "Oh, yes." "They were named Elsie, Lacie and Tillie... (Chuckles )" "..and they lived at the bottom of a well." " What did they live on?" " Ah." "(Insects buzz )" " They lived on...treacle." " They couldn't have done that, you know." " They'd have been ill." " Aye, they were." "Very, very ill." "But why did they live at the bottom of a well?" "Oh." " Take some more tea." " I've had nothing yet, so I can't take more." "What you mean is you can't take less." "It's very easy to take more than nothing." " Nobody asked for your opinion." " Now who's making personal remarks, eh?" " (Chuckles ) - (Insects buzz )" "Oh." "Why did they live at the bottom of a well?" " It was a treacle well." " There's no such thing." "If you cannot be civil, you tell the story yourself." "I won't interrupt again." "I dare say there may be one." "Oh, indeed!" "Well... the three little sisters, they were all learning to draw, you know." "What did they draw?" "(Others ) Treacle." "Oh." "(Insects buzz )" "I don't understand." "Where did they draw the treacle from?" "You draw water from a water well." "You draw treacle from a treacle well, eh, stupid?" "But they were in the well." "Well in." "(Guffaws )" "(Chuckles )" "(Grunts )" "Then they learnt to draw." "And they always drew something beginning with an M." " Why an M?" " Why not?" "(Insects buzz )" "Everything beginning with an M... such as mousetraps." "Money." "Memory." "And muchness." "I bet you never saw anything like the drawing of a muchness." " Really, now you say it, I don't..." " Then you shouldn't talk." " (Insects buzz )" " Oh." "(Whispers) It's the stupidest tea party I was ever at." "(Insect buzzes )" "Why are you painting those roses?" "Why are you painting those roses?" "What's that?" "What's that?" "Will you hold that book steady?" "I can't see to paint." " What are you doing it for?" " Doing it for?" " Yes." " Yes." "Yes, what am I doing it for?" "Yes, well, that is the question, isn't it?" "Ah." "You see?" "It's no good." "It's all a problem of color, you see." "The, er...problem of these being colored white when red was what was asked for." " Who's to know?" " Oh!" "Oh, yes, that's good." "Ha-ha-ha!" "Yes, I like that." "Ha-ha-ha!" "Yes, who's to know?" "The Queen, that's who." "The Queen doesn't miss a trick." "It doesn't look much like a red rose to me." "Oh, well, perhaps you'd like to have a go at it yourself, then." "Yes, perhaps you'd like to have a go at it yourself." "I think we can do without any help from you, thank you very much." " (Drumming)" " Look!" "(Band plays )" "It's the Queen." "(Band drowns out speech)" "(He sobs )" "Ah, yes." "And who's this?" " Yes, who is this?" " Or perhaps I shouldn't ask." "(Burbles )" "Idiot." "Absolute idiot." "You've got an absolute idiot for a son." "Yes, but he's tall." "He's very tall." "Come along, child, speak up." "What's your name?" " My name is Alice." " Ah." "Oh." " Er..." " And who are these?" " Or perhaps I shouldn't ask." " How should I know?" "It's no business of mine." "You little hussy." "Off with her head." "Nonsense." "(Men sob)" "Ah, yes." "And what have you been doing here?" "Or perhaps I shouldn't ask." "Or perhaps I should." "Ha-ha!" "Painting white roses red, hm?" "Perhaps you have an explanation?" "Well, ma'am, it's by way of rectifying a mistake." "What I've always said is what the eye don't see the heart don't grieve over." "I think that's for me to judge." "Off with their heads." " (Drum roll)" " It's a very fine day." " Very." "Where's the Duchess?" " She's under sentence of execution." " What for?" " She boxed the Queen's ears." "Whoops." "All right!" "Get to your places!" "You heard what she said." "(Hymn starts )" " (Hymn fades ) - (Birdsong)" "(Drums beating)" "(Drums drown out speech)" "(Chatter and laughter)" "(Laughter)" "(Alice whispers) How are you getting on?" "I don't think they play at all fairly." "How do you like the Queen?" "Not at all." "(Trumpet fanfare )" " Who are you talking to?" " It's a friend of mine." "I don't like the look of it at all." " A cat may look at a queen." " Cats are allowed to do that." "It must be removed." "Executioner!" "About that cat." "I want its head taken off." "Right off." "Yeah, well, you've got a problem there, haven't you?" "I mean, with regard to cutting off a head, you got a real problem, unless there's a body to cut it off from." "I mean, you see what I mean." "Don't talk nonsense." "Anything that has a head can be beheaded." "Anyway, who does it belong to?" "It belongs to the Duchess and you'd better ask her about it." " Ha-ha." " Oh." "(Birdsong)" "Oh!" "You can't think how glad I am to see you, you dear old thing!" "You're thinking about something and that makes you forget to talk." "I can't remember the moral of that, but I shall remember it in a moment." "Perhaps it hasn't got a moral." "Tut-tut!" "My dear child, everything's got a moral, if only you can find it." "The game seems to be coming on much better now." "Yes, it is." "Yes, it is." "And the moral of it is..." "'tis love, 'tis love makes the world go round." "I thought it was done by everybody minding their own business." "Oh!" "Well, yes." "Well, it means much the same thing." "And the moral of that is, take care of the sense and the sounds will take care of themselves." "Oh, she's jolly fond of finding morals." "I dare say you're wondering why I don't put my arm round your waist." "Well, the reason is I'm doubtful of the temper of your flamingo." "I haven't got a flamingo any more." "How true, how true!" "Flamingos and mustard, both bite." "And the moral of that is, birds of a feather flock together!" "But mustard isn't a bird." "Right as usual." "You do have a nice clear way of putting things." "It's a mineral, I think." "Yes, of course it is, and there's a rather large mustard mine quite near here." "Ha-ha!" "And the moral of it is, the more there is of mine, the less there is of your'n." "I know, it's a vegetable." "It doesn't look like one but it is." "I quite agree with you." "And the moral of that is, be what you'd seem to be." "Or if you would like it put more simply, never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it would appear to others that what you were and what you might have been is not otherwise... (Chuckles ) ..than what you have been." "I think I'd understand that a bit better if I had it written down, and I'm afraid I can't quite follow it as you say it." "Oh!" "I could say much better than that if I chose." "Please don't trouble yourself to say it any longer than that." "Don't talk about trouble." "I'll make you a present of everything I've said as yet." "A cheap sort of present, I must say." " Thinking again?" " I have a right to think." "About as much right as pigs have to fly." "And the moral... (Applause in distance )" "Either you or your head must be off in the next five minutes!" "Take your choice." "She'll be the death of me." "Come on, let's get on with the game." "(Funeral march plays )" "Well, here we are." " What's happened to them?" " They're going to be executed." " What do you mean?" " They're going to have their heads taken off." " What, all of them?" " Yes, the whole lot." "There's no point spoiling the ship for a ha'porth of tar." " Have you seen the Mock Turtle?" " No, who's that?" "Hm, you'd better ask the Gryphon about that." "He would be able to let you know." "(Seagulls cry )" "That's just her fantasy." "She never executes anyone." "Ah, there he is." " What's he so sad about?" " That's just his fantasy." "He's got nothing to be sad about, really." "This young lady wants to hear your life history." "All right." "I'll tell it to her." "But don't speak a word till I finish." "But how can he finish if he doesn't begin?" "Shh." "He's got to get into the mood." "When we were little, we all went to school in the sea." "The master was an old turtle - we used to call him Tortoise..." "Why did you call him Tortoise if he wasn't one?" "We called him Tortoise because he taught us." "Really, you are very dull." "Ashamed of you asking such a simple question as that." "We had the best of educations." "In fact we went to school every day." "I've been to a day school too." "It's nothing to be so proud about." " With extras?" " Yes, we learned French and music." "And washing?" " Certainly not." " Aha." "Well, then, yours wasn't really a good school." "At our school we always had at the end of the bill, music, French and washing...extra." "But I couldn't afford to learn it." "I only took the regular course." "What was that?" "Reeling and writhing, of course, to begin with, and then there were the different branches of Arithmetic," "Ambition, Distraction, Uglification and Derision." "I never heard of Uglification before." "Never heard of uglify?" " You've heard of beautifying, I suppose?" " Yes." "Need I say more?" "Then there was Mystery, ancient and modern, and then Drawling." "That was with the Drawling master." "He used to come once a week." "He taught us Drawling, Stretching, and Fainting in Coils." "What was that like?" "I couldn't possibly show you myself." "I'm much too stiff." "And he never learnt it." "I hadn't time." "But I went to the Classical master." "Mm, I never went to him." "He taught Laughing and Grief, or so they said." "So he did, so he did." " How many hours a day did you do lessons?" " Ten hours the first day." " Nine the second." " And so on." " How odd." " Not odd at all." "That's why they're called lessons, because they lessen from day to day." "Then the eleventh day must have been a holiday." "So it was." "So it was." "But then how did you manage on the 12th day?" "Oh, that's enough about lessons." "Tell her about the games." "Have you ever done the Lobster Quadrille?" "No." "What sort of a dance is that?" "Well, first you form a line along the seashore." "No, two lines." "Then after you've cleared the jellyfish out of the way..." "That generally takes some time." " ..you advance twice." " Each with a lobster as a partner." "You advance twice, set to partners..." "Change lobsters and retire in the same order." "It must be a very pretty dance." " Would you like to hear some of it?" " Very much indeed." "Well, we'll sing." "Oh, you sing it." "I can't remember the words." "# Will you walk a little faster?" "Said the whiting to the snail" "# There's a porpoise close behind me And he's treading on my tail" "# See how eagerly the lobsters And the turtles all advance!" "# They are waiting on the shingle Won't you come and join the dance?" "# Will you, won't you, will you, won't you Will you join the dance?" "# Will you, won't you, will you, won't you Won't you join the dance?" "# You can really have no notion How delightful it will be" "# When they take us up and throw us With the lobsters out to sea" "# But the snail replied" "# "Too far, too far!"" "# And gave a look askance" "# Said he thanked the whiting kindly But he would not join the dance" "# Would not, could not, could not, would not Could not join the dance" "# Could not, would not..." "# Could not, would not" "# Would not join" "# The dance #" " (Seagulls cry ) - (Whispers) The trial's beginning." "The trial's beginning." "(Hymn begins )" "(Hymn continues )" "(Hymn continues )" "(Cough)" "(Hymn continues )" "(Hymn ends )" " Who are they?" " The jury." "What are they doing?" "Taking down their names in case they forget them before the trial ends." " (Chicken clucking)" " Stupid things." " Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" " (Gavel bangs )" " Silence in court!" " (Coughing)" " (Chicken clucking)" " Read the accusation." "The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts, All on a summer's day:" "The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts And took them quite away!" " (Chicken clucking)" " Consider your verdict." "Not yet, not yet!" "There's a great deal to do before that!" " (Chicken clucking)" " Is there?" "Oh, dear." "Well, um...er... call the first witness." "First witness." " (Chicken clucking) - (Coughing)" "(Mad Hatter chuckles )" "Good morning." "Hello." "(Chuckles )" "Come on, come on." "Oh, yes." "(Horse whinnies )" "Come on!" "Come along!" "(Horse whinnies )" " (Mad Hatter laughing) - (Horse whinnies )" "Oh, I beg your pardon, Your Majesty, for bringing these along, but I hadn't quite finished my tea when I was sent for." "Well, you ought to have finished." "When did you begin?" "The, er..." "Let me see." "I think it was the, er..." " 14th of March." " 15th." " 16th?" " Yes." "16th." "Write that down." "And take off your hat." "Ah...it, um...it..." "Oh, dear." "It is...it isn't...it isn't mine." " It's, er..." " (Clucking)" "Stolen, is it?" "No, no, no." "I, er..." "I keep them to sell, Your Majesty, you see." "I'm a..." "I'm a hatter." " A very nervous hatter." " Yes, I am, yes." " Well, don't be nervous." " No." "Don't be nervous." "Just give your evidence, or I shall have you executed, you know." "I'm..." "I'm allowed to do that." " I can have anyone executed." " Yes, yes." "I have the power...power." "Ah..." "I'm a very poor man, Your Majesty." "And I hadn't begun my tea... well, not above a week or so, and what with the bread and butter getting so thin..." " (Chicken clucking) - ..and the twinkling of tea, I..." " Tinkling of the what?" " Er...it began with the tea." "Oh!" "I know that." "I'm not a fool." "I know that twinkling begins with a T." " Oh." " I'm not a complete idiot, am I?" " (Clears throat)" " Go on, go on." "Like I said, Your Majesty, I'm a..." "I'm a poor man and, um...most things twinkled after that." " I didn't." " You did." " I didn't." "I deny it." " He denies it." " (Clucking)" " Leave out that part." "After that, I, er..." "I cut some bread and butter and..." "And after that, what happened?" "Ah, that...that I can't remember." "Yes, yes, well, you must remember it, or I'll have to have you executed." "I'm a..." "I'm a poor man, Your Majesty." "You are a jolly poor speaker, that's for sure." "Get down, sit down and stand clear away." "(Chuckles ) Oh, thank you." "God bless you, Your Majesty." "Ha-ha-ha!" " (Chicken clucking) - (Mad Hatter chuckling)" "Excuse me." "I do hope you manage to get the funds to pay it." " (Chicken clucking)" " Next witness." " Give your evidence." " Shan't." "Oh, well, that's the end of that, then." "Aah!" "Your Majesty must cross-examine this witness." " Must I?" " Yes." "Oh." "Oh." "Thank you." "What are tarts made of?" " Pepper mostly." " (Snorts )" "Anything you want to add to that?" "Yes, go away." "Go away with the pepper." "Oh." " Next witness." " No, don't let's have another witness." "Let's have a...." "let's have a song." "Come on, lads, give us a melody." "Come along now." "We..." "We've all rehearsed." "# And we'll all" "# Swing together" "# Britain shall be saved" "# In all sorts of weather" "# Come what may" "# And we'll all swing together" "# With our bodies between our knees" "# Yes, we'll all swing together" "# With our bodies between our knees..." " (Clucking)" " Ah." "They don't reach verdicts like that any more." "Oh dear." "Right." "Next witness." "Alice!" "Ah." "What have you got to say for yourself?" "Nothing." " Nothing?" " Nothing whatever." "Oh, that's very important." "(Whispers ) Unimportant, Your Majesty means, of course." "Ah." "Oh." "Oh." "I thought I meant important." "That's what I thought I meant." "Ah." "Oh." "Oh." "Oh." "Ah." "(Snores )" "(Hiccups )" "Ah." "(Hums tune )" "(Snorts )" "(Animal roars )" "Ahh!" "Silence in court!" "Silence in court!" "(Cough)" "All persons more than a mile high to leave, er...court!" " I'm not a mile high." " Yes, you are." "Nearly two miles high." "(Clucking)" "Consider your silences." "Their verses." "No, no, no, no!" "There's more evidence to come yet." "This paper's just been picked up." " What's in it?" " I haven't opened it yet." "But it seems to be a letter written by the prisoner to somebody." "Well, it must be that." "I mean, it can't just be written to nobody." "I mean, you can't just write to nobody." "I mean, if you did that all the time, the..." "Well, I mean the post office'd come to a standstill." "I mean, you've got to have somebody..." "I mean, well..." "Well, it's not allowed." "Who's it directed to?" "It isn't directed at all." "In fact, there's nothing written on the outside." "(Coughing)" "It isn't a letter at all." "It's a set of verses." " Are they in the prisoner's handwriting?" " No, they're not." "And that's the queerest thing about it." "You've been imitating people's hands and writings again." "(Oinks ) Please, Your Majesty." "I didn't... (Oinks ) ..write it." "And I can... (Oinks ) ..prove that I didn't." "(Oinks ) There's no name signed at the end." "(King of Hearts ) Well, that only makes the matter worse." "You must have meant some mischief or else you would have signed your name like an honest man." " (Queen of Hearts ) That proves his guilt." " It proves nothing of the sort." " Hold your tongue." " I won't." " (Clucking)" " Off with her head!" "Off with her head!" "Off with her head!" "Off with her head!" "Off with her head!" "Off with her head!" "Off with her head!" "Off with her head!" "Off with her head!" " (Birds screech) - (Church bell tolls)" "It is not now as it has been of yore;" "Turn wheresoe'er I may By night or day" "The things which I have seen I now can see no more"