"In last episode of Soap," "Tim said he didn't believe that the baby Corinne is carrying is his." "Eunice and Dutch are unbelievably happy on the farm, although believe it or not, the police know where they're hiding." "Sally told Mary that Burt has been having an affair with her and with an 18-year-old, and Mary believed her, even though it's not true." "Jodie couldn't believe his ears when Carol told him that he would never see his baby." "Everyone still believes that Chester is dead, and Chester believes he's somebody, he just can't remember who that somebody is." "Can't believe it?" "You will after tonight's episode of..." "Soap." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "And it's nice that we're all together, and it is great to have drinking buddies." "So here is to my binking druddies." "To the binking druddies." "Yeah." "Here." "Come here." "Hey, thanks very much." "Well, you know," "I got something to show you old druddies." "Wait'll you see this." "Wait'll you hear this." "I'm..." ""Burt," ""I'm leaving you." "Mary."" "She must be upset about something." "Well, what?" "The only thing she could be upset about was that one night I didn't come home, and we talked about that and everything was fine." "I'm drinking too much." "I'm getting smashed." "She's gone." "She's..." "She left." "She took her clothes." "Winter and summer, that's it." "Oh." "I lost her." "And I've lost Elaine." "And Jodie lost Carol." "And Dennis." "I lost Dennis and the baby." "I lost my suede jacket." "Bob, be serious." "I am serious." "I loved that jacket." "Yeah, but see, we all lost people, and people can't be replaced." "Well, I can't replace that jacket!" "Got that jacket in Italy." "Suede was like butter." "How do you..." "how do you..." "How do you like that?" "We all just lost somebody." "Three." "I lost three." "I wouldn't mind losing Bob." "Life plays funny tricks." "Oh, God." "He's gonna make a speech." "Spare me, please." "Oh, don't mind him, Burt." "He's drunk." "You see, what happens in life is this." "Something bad happens to you and you say, "Oh, God." "Look at this bad thing that just happened to me."" "Then you figure it's over and it will all get good again, but then what happens is... another bad thing happens and then you say, "Pfft!" "That was a surprise."" ""I mean, two bad things in a row," ""but I guess that's it for a while, because I just had my quota of bad."" "And then what happens is some awful thing happens to you, like everything gets taken away from you, and you say, "Pfft!" "Well, that's it." ""I mean, there's nothing else that can happen now." "I lost everything."" "And then life plays its funny trick..." "You die." "Life is unfair to do that." "I'm getting nauseous." "I th..." "I think I'm gonna be sick." "Breathe." "I am breathing, you jerk." "No, deeply." "Breathe deeply." "I think I'm gonna throw up!" "What are we doing this for?" "Now he's gonna throw up!" "And the rest of you are gonna throw up in a little while." "I could probably throw up now." "I'm not gonna throw up." "I never throw up." "What do you mean, "I never throw up"?" "I never... throw up." "Throwing up is not a choice." "You don't say," ""I'm sorry, I don't play tennis, and I don't throw up."" "Hey, wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "I bet I could make him throw up." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah." "Okay." "Take your best shot." "Okay." "Picture this." "A sack full of worms falls in your mouth... and worms..." "Stop!" "Stop!" "DANNY:" "Shh!" "I know I could make you throw up." "All right, imagine this." "A ton of raw liver..." "Get me a spoon." "And it's out in the hot sun." "Oh, I love it." "And..." "And there's maggots crawling in it..." "Oh, God!" "Stop it!" "See that?" "I told you." "I never throw up." "I don't even gag." "I'll stick my finger down your throat..." "No way!" "Why don't..." "Why don't we save this conversation for Buckingham Palace?" "Let's..." "Let's..." "Let's talk about something else." "What?" "Carol." "Mary." "Elaine." "Well, what do you say we get out of here?" "It's gonna take me three hours to find my car." "I forget where I parked it." "We took a cab." "I forget where I parked that too." "He's out cold." "Well, he shouldn't drink if he can't hold his liquor." "Let's go." "Hey, uh..." "Hey, fellas?" "You still owe me for the last round." "Oh, he'll take care of it." "He will." "Hi." "Hi." "I was waiting up for you." "Where you been?" "It's late." "I was out looking for caves." "I beg your pardon?" "I was looking for a cave." "A cave?" "Right." "Uh-huh." "You want a cave?" "Yes." "Tim, why do you want a cave?" "To live in." "Oh..." "I see." "Would this be a one-bedroom cave you're looking for, or a singles cave?" "I have something to tell you." "Of course, uh, caves that don't take children can be a problem." "Corinne?" "I've decided to become a hermit." "A hermit?" "Yeah." "I'm being punished for my sins." "My mother died." "I can't find a job." "And you've been unfaithful to me." "Tim, I have not been unfaithful to you." "I swear to God" "I haven't been unfaithful to you." "Corinne, please." "He's mad enough as it is." "You're leaving me?" "Yes." "Now?" "Yes." "Forever?" "Corinne, I'm going to make my peace with God." "I don't know how long it will take." "Well, why don't you be a hermit here?" "You can, uh, stay in the attic." "Come on, Corinne." "We'll turn off all the heat and the electricity." "Oh, you'll love it, and you can even write on the walls." "Look, Corinne." "It's the only chance we have." "If my peace with God, then someday I can come back to you." "A cave." "I love it." "Where am I supposed to write you?" ""Tim Flotsky, Cave 4E"?" "What?" "Corinne." "Well, what are you gonna do?" "Send me a rock in reply?" "Come on, Corinne." "Listen, please." "A cave." "You're going to be in a cave." "I'm having our baby, and you're going to be in a cave." "Corinne, it's the only chance we have." "I don't know what else to do." "Please try and understand." "Please try and believe me." "It's your baby." "Maybe by going away, I can believe you." "I love you, Corinne." "Okay, you can open your eyes now." "Oh!" "How sweet, Dutch." "Well, go ahead." "Open your present." "Okay." "Oh, this is what you've been working on." "Aw, it's a little cow." "Dog." "A dog." "A little dog." "Oh, I'll love it forever." "Oh, Dutch." "I want to give you a lot of things, Eunice." "Oh, Dutch." "This is the best birthday I've ever had." "I love you." "I love you too." "VOICE:" "It's the police." "Okay, Dutch, we know you're in there." "Oh, my God." "Come out with your hands up." "Oh, no." "Not now." "You'll never take us alive, coppers!" "Eunice!" "What are you doing?" "If you don't come out, we're coming in." "Come and get us, coppers!" "Eunice, this is not a movie." "Those are real cops out there, with real guns." "You go into the bedroom." "I'm gonna tie you up." "Oh, Dutch, this really isn't a good time." "No, no, no, Eunice." "You gotta pretend to be my hostage." "Otherwise, they're going to arrest you as an accomplice." "I've got to make a break for it." "You can't." "They'll kill you." "I'm not going back to prison," "Eunice." "I'd rather be dead." "You don't know what it's like in there." "I wouldn't be up for parole for 30 years." "I'll wait." "Dutch, there's no way out." "We've got 50 state troopers out here." "You're surrounded." "How do I know you ain't bluffing?" "I guess they ain't bluffing." "Okay!" "Okay!" "Hold you fire!" "I got a hostage!" "Did you mean what you said about waiting?" "I meant it." "Because after 15 or 20 years, if you was to change your mind," "I'd understand." "I love you, Dutch." "I love you too." "Hey, Dutch!" "How about it?" "Okay." "Okay, I'm coming out." "I got a hostage." "All right." "Hostage first, then you." "Hands on head." "Wait." "I've lost Dennis, I've lost Carol, and the baby." "What have I got left?" "From what I can see, great clothes." "Who are you?" "Ooh, I'd give anything for a herringbone jacket like that." "You thinking of leaving it behind when you jump?" "Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not jumping." "Please." "Who stands on the Triborough Bridge if they're not thinking of jumping?" "I only came out here to talk." "To who?" "Myself." "Then why don't you do it at home?" "It probably smells better." "Hey, listen, aren't you on your way somewhere?" "Kind of." "Well, don't let me keep you." "You are." "It's impossible to concentrate with all your talking." "I mean, I'm standing here trying to write this suicide note and look what I wrote." ""Say goodbye to Carol and Dennis."" "I don't even know them." "You're going to commit suicide?" "Not if I don't get this note done." "Why would you want to commit suicide?" "Why would you?" "I'm not committing suicide." "Oh, sure." "Many people come out at night in the winter to carry on a conversation with the East River." "Listen, no matter what's happened to you, it can't be bad enough to end your life." "Believe me, I know." "What you're going through can't be any worse than what I'm going through, and I'd never jump." "Please." "I heard what you're going through." "You're much better off without Carol and Dennis." "You should send them thank-you notes." "Listen, you don't know what you're talking about." "So you lost a lover." "Big deal." "I lost two lovers." "Nothing." "Two lovers and a baby." "Zip." "And I'm a homosexual." "Me too." "A..." "What did you say?" "I said, me too." "You?" "Why are you so surprised?" "Well, I don't know." "I mean..." "you don't look like a lesbian." "Oh, yeah." "Well..." "I loaned my black leather outfit to one of the Hell's Angels." "His was in the cleaners." "This belongs to Julie Andrews." "Okay, so you're a lesbian." "That's still no reason to..." "Listen." "My boss fired me, my lover left me," "I've got no place to live and no one to talk to." "With choices like that, you either commit suicide or you kill yourself." "What about your family?" "They threw me out." "My father went nuts when he found out we were both dating his secretary." "Really?" "No." "But he did throw me out." "Why?" "Why?" "All my life," "I've been a really good daughter." "Good student." "Nice person." "Kind and considerate." "I had really nice parents." "So yesterday I decided I had to tell them about me." "I figured if we talked about it, they'd understand, and maybe I'd feel a little bit better about what I was." "So I told them." "My mother, a very reserved woman, screamed, spit in my face, and stormed out of the room." "My father, a noted psychiatrist, called me a sick, twisted pervert and threw me out of the house." "I really love my father." "Uh, listen," "I know it sounds pretty bad, and I'm sure it feels pretty bad, but will you believe me when I tell you it will get better?" "No." "Hey, what do you say we go out for a drink together?" "Look, I really want to be alone." "Then we'll go out for a drink together, but pretend we're alone and not talk." "And then if, by chance, we don't feel like being alone, then the other person will already be there." "What do you say?" "If you're not a politician, you ought to be." "Alice." "Jodie." "It's so quiet." "Breakfast didn't used to be so quiet." "Yeah, it used be a zoo." "Now a lot of the animals are gone." "You want me to get that?" "If you don't mind." "Daddy, everybody's gone." "It's what happens in war time." "Cowards defect." "It's him." "Just stopped by to say hello." "Now you've said it." "Goodbye." "Detective Donohue, please, sit down and join us for breakfast." "Benson, would you please set another place?" "Am I supposed to get that too?" "Well, I think so." "Yeah, I gotta set another place, I gotta cook more food," "I gotta answer the doorbell, I gotta get my head examined." "You're looking well." "Well, thank you." "You're looking well too." "I feel well." "Well, that's why." "Mary." "Mary, I'm so happy to see you." "Well, I'm not." "She's got two suitcases in the hall." "I've left Burt." "Mary, why?" "I know." "I know." "Billy, would you get Aunt Mary's bags and put them in Eunice's room?" "You can stay in Eunice's room." "It's bad enough I have to leave the room." "Now, do I have to schlep bags too?" "Billy..." "I'm 15 years old and they still won't talk in front of me." "I could grow up to be Hugh Hefner, and they still wouldn't talk." "Billy." "Benson, set another place for breakfast, please." "You want anything to eat?" "Yes, please." "Are you sure?" "Mary?" "What happened?" "It's Burt." "Burt is her husband." "Oh, yes." "I know." "I met him at the service." "Nice fellow." "Jumpy." "Well, what happened?" "Don't mind me." "He's been sleeping with three other women." "At the same time?" "That's probably why he's so jumpy." "He's been carrying on with his secretary, with a skinny teenager, and an old fat woman." "Hasn't he seen our training films?" "He'll go blind." "Oh, Mary, that's nothing." "Nothing?" "You call that nothing?" "Well, I mean, not compared to what Chester did." "One time," "Chester was carrying on with five stewardesses... five... all on the same flight." "You always have to top me." "Oh, Benson, could I have some coffee too?" "You don't have a cup." "Who is that?" "I don't know." "I suppose you want me to go see." "Well, it would be nice." "Benson, if it's Mr. Campbell, tell him I am not here." "Gotcha." "But, Mary, if Benson tells Burt that you said to tell him that you're not here, then, I mean," "Burt is going to know you're here." "Jessie, he won't tell him I said it." "Oh, I see." "I see." "Clever, huh?" "Oh, Ma." "Eunice!" "Dutch was caught." "Doing what?" "At the cabin." "The police came, and they surrounded the place, and they took him to jail, and they wouldn't let me see him." "Aw..." "Billy, go up to Eunice's room, get Aunt Mary's bags and take them to my room, and then come down and get Eunice's bags and take them up to her room." "Benson, set another place for breakfast." "You don't want to eat, do you?" "Yes, I do." "I'm upset." "I always eat when I'm upset." "I eat when I'm happy." "I eat then too." "I'd love to eat." "Don't hold your breath." "Ma?" "Oh, look." "Corinne's come out of her room." "Ma, I think something's wrong." "What, dear?" "Look." "Yes, you're pregnant." "Don't worry." "I'll find the soldier who's responsible." "But I'm only six weeks pregnant." "Maybe it's twins." "Maybe it's an elephant." "I called the doctor, and she said that I should meet her at the hospital." "Okay." "Billy, go to Corinne's room, get her bag, and put it in the car, then go to my room and take Aunt Mary's bags and put them in Corinne's room." "Benson, set another place for breakfast." "If she's going to the hospital, she doesn't need to eat." "Yes, I do." "I'm starving." "But you had breakfast earlier." "I know that, but I'm still hungry." "Well, maybe you're not pregnant." "Maybe you're just fat." "Forget the breakfast." "Good." "I'm going into labor." "When?" "Oh, now." "Now?" "Medic!" "Right here, now, in the dining room?" "Yeah." "Oh, well, now, okay." "Don't panic." "Everybody, just stay calm." "Just stay calm, now." "What... what, uh, what..." "do you have..." "Where's the... where's the car?" "The car!" "The car!" "It's in the garage, Benson." "Where's the garage?" "Get the keys." "Get away." "Get away." "Stop." "Let's go." "Who's got the keys?" "Will Danny find happiness without Elaine?" "Will he find her killers?" "Will he find happiness and her killers?" "Or is that asking too much?" "Will Tim find a cave?" "And if he finds one, what will he find inside?" "Now that Jodie and Alice have found each other, what else will they find?" "Will Burt find Mary?" "And if he finds her... now that she's found out... what kind of mood will he find her in?" "What will they find is the reason for Corinne's advanced state of pregnancy?" "A good diet?" "Or is she really a fruit fly?" "Find out the answers to these questions and many others on the next episode of..." "Soap." "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience."