"Senator Brookside, hold it right there." "What is it now, Smart?" "This locker hasn't been checked out yet." "Well, have you discovered anything?" "I certainly did." "What is it?" "This locker can't be opened from the inside." "Okay, security check completed." "You can hang your coat up now." "Of course I can hang it up now." "Smart, when are you going to stop this foolishness?" "I'm sorry, Senator, but your committee happens to be dealing with information that is vital to the security of this country." "And some of that information has been leaking out." "I know, but do we have to worry about it here in the Roman Baths?" "Yes, particularly here in the Roman Baths." "Because there are six of these Roman Baths, and each one of them is located right next to an important missile base." " Yes, I'm very well aware of that." " Yes, and besides that, we've felt for a long time that these baths are somehow connected with the KAOS organization." "So, you see, Senator Brookside, we have to be extremely careful." "And it's my job to see that nothing goes wrong." "Mr. Leach, good morning." "You're just in time." "What is it, Mr. Centurion?" "Senator Brookside is in the locker room." "Splendid." "Is he alone?" "No, there's a CONTROL agent with him." "CONTROL has never been a problem to me." "Is the senator scheduled for the steam room?" "Right now." "Excellent." "The truth steam will give us the results that we desire." "See to it." "How much truth steam shall I administer?" "Oh, enough to keep him babbling for 10 minutes." "Intercom:" "Telephone call for Maxwell Smart." " Did you hear that?" " Yes, I heard it." "Intercom:" "Telephone call for Maxwell Smart." "Maxwell Smart speaking." "Hi, Chief." "What's up?" "Max, does the name Montague Leach mean anything to you?" "It certainly does." "He's the drummer with The Electric Hair." "No, he's not a drummer with The Electric Hair." "He left the group?" "Max, he's an eccentric but highly successful KAOS agent who runs a chain of spas called the Roman Baths." "Yes, Chief, now that you mention it, it does sound familiar." "Then you've heard of Montague Leach." "No, I've heard of the Roman Baths." "Max, you're in the Roman Baths." "Then it all ties up, Chief." "I've not only heard of it," "I've seen it." "It's on Senator Brookside's towel." "Now, Centurion, the truth steam." "Welcome to the Roman Baths, Senator Brookside." "This is Montague Leach speaking." "Every question I put to you, you will answer, and you will answer truthfully and completely." "Do you understand?" "I understand." "Chief:" "Max, don't let the senator out of your sight for a second." "Chief, you don't have to tell me that." "While I'm talking to you, he's not five feet away from me in the steam room." "Our latest surface-to-air missile is something our technology is extremely proud of." "Its tip rises to a perfect peak." "It has an amazing small length." "I'll say one thing for Senator Brookside, for a man his age, it's no wonder he's in such great physical shape." "Chief:" "What do you mean?" "He's not only taking a steam bath, he's doing calisthenics." "( theme music playing )" "I'm going to put the babies to bed, Max." "You need any help, 99?" "No thanks, love." "I don't need any help." "Oh, well, I could use some." "When you get a minute, would you call my mother and tell her we got home all right?" "You got home all right." "I'm still out in the hall." " ( knocks on door )" " Who is it?" "Max, it's me, the Chief." "Open the door." "Oh, could you come back a little later, Chief?" "No, Max, it's urgent." "I have to see you right away." "Yeah, well, I have my hands full now." "Well, maybe the door is open." "Sorry about that, Max." "Max, where have you been all afternoon?" "I've been trying to get a hold of you." "99 and I took the twins to see their grandmother, we just got back." "What's up Chief?" "This afternoon we captured a KAOS courier with secret plans taken from Senator Brookside only yesterday while he was in your protective custody." "But that's impossible, Chief." "They couldn't have gotten any information out of Senator Brookside." "I never let him out of my sight for a single moment." "Well, that confirms our suspicion that Montague Leach's spas are involved in our security leaks." "Here, will you hold this diaper bag for me?" "Yeah." "If we only had proof-- this isn't a diaper bag." " It's a bottle bag." " No, it's a diaper bag." "It's a bottle bag." "Look, I'm the father, and I said it's a diaper bag." "( glass breaks )" "If that isn't enough to convince you, maybe this will." "Oh, you better get that off right away." "Milk stains." "Who are you talking to, Max?" "The Chief." "He just went in the kitchen for a minute." "( knocks on door )" "Oh, you get it." "I'll clean up this stuff." "Hi, Max." "Is the Chief here?" " Chief, it's Larrabee." " Tell him I'm not here." "He's not on the phone." "He's at the door." "Then don't open it." "It's too late." "Maybe not." "How do you get this window open in here?" "Sometimes I think the Chief doesn't like me." "Why do you say that, Larrabee?" "I'll tell you, 99." "Take that beautiful Japanese dagger" " he gave to me for my birthday" " I saw that dagger." "That's very expensive." "If the Chief didn't like you, he wouldn't give you a gift like that." "That's just it, 99." "He didn't give it to me, he threw it at me." "A Japanese dagger, eh?" "That's a very unusual gift." "Yeah, it is." "But what am I going to do with it?" "Have you got any suggestions, Max?" "What is it, Larrabee?" "This envelope just came from the Pentagon." "It's been officially sealed, contains top secret information" " for you and you alone." " Thank you, Larrabee." "Your plan for undercover surveillance has been approved." "Max, this is the break we've been waiting for." "Well, aren't you going to open it?" "Why?" "Larrabee never lied before." "Thus far, Centurion, there is only one remaining piece of information needed to complete the report." "And that information lies with Senator Van Horn." "Senator Van Horn has been in Europe inspecting missile sites." "He was due back over the weekend." "Have you sent him the usual invitational offer to partake in our facilities gratis?" "It's been done." "Then we can be expecting him momentarily." "I wish to be informed the second of his arrival." "( phone rings )" "Yes?" "Thank you." "That was Marcus at the front desk." "Senator Van Horn has just checked in." "At last." "And good news-- there's a CONTROL agent guarding him." "Why is that good news?" "It's the same CONTROL agent that guarded Senator Brookside." "Maxwell Smart." "That's not good news." "That's sensational news." "All right, Senator Van Horn, you can come in now." "So far so good." "We've got to check out the entire spa" " for a hidden microphone." " We'll start right here in this room, because this is the room where Senator Brookside and I were talking," " and I know that it's bugged." " Good." "You look over there and I'll look in here." "Right, Chief." "Wait a minute, Chief." "I have to make sure we're not being watched." "What did you do that for?" "Well, Chief, I had to make sure it wasn't a two-way mirror." "Look for the wiring." "If this room is bugged, we'll spot the wiring." "Wait a minute, Chief, look." "The old bug-in- the-towel trick." "What are you talking about?" "That towel, Chief." "I'm absolutely positive it's bugged." "I'm going to check it out." "Good, it's empty." "We can talk in here without being overheard." "I can't figure it out, Max." "I know information is leaking out through this place, but there is absolutely no sign of how it's being done." " They're in the steam room now." " Excellent." "I'm sure they'll prove to be as cooperative as our previous guests." "Give them the truth steam." "Boy, it's really getting hot in here, Chief." "It is a little uncomfortable, but I don't really mind." "I can afford to lose a few pounds." "Don't be silly." "For a man your age, you're in fantastic condition." "Actually, to be quite truthful with you, Chief, that's quite a bay window you've got there." "Anybody ever tell you you see pretty well for a man with squinty eyes?" "Well, it's a good thing for CONTROL that I do, because there are a lot of things that you overlook." "The only things I overlook are all the mistakes that you make." "If you weren't like a son to me, I'd have fired you a long while ago." "Well, I'm very fond of you too, Chief, in spite of all your drawbacks." "I'm glad you feel that way, Max." "Even though you're the cause of all my migraine headaches and prematurely gray hair." "You don't have any hair, Chief, you're bald." "If I did have any hair, it would be gray, believe me." "I've heard enough." "Turn off the speaker." "So, our Senator Van Horn turns out to be the Chief of CONTROL." "We must dispose of them immediately." "Lock the door to the steam room." "Turn off the truth steam." "The truth steam is off." "Now turn up the live steam to 500°." "That much?" "Chief, the temperature in here is definitely getting too high." " Why do you say that?" " My locker key is melting." "I'm glad you mentioned it." "I thought it was only me." " It is very warm in here." " ( sighs )" "Chief, look at your toupee." " What's the matter with it?" " It's saluting." "Max, we've got to get out of here right away." "Right, Chief." "Hurry up, Max, I'm having trouble breathing." "Why don't you do what I do when I have trouble breathing, Chief?" " What do you do?" " I take steam." "Just get the door open." "I can't, Chief." "It's stuck." "Let me try." "Max, it isn't stuck." "It's locked from the outside." "Well, then we're in luck, Chief." "All we have to do is go outside and open it up." "How are we going to get outside if we're locked inside?" "Don't you see they're trying to kill us?" "Then that must mean that they're onto us." "If we only had a gun, we could shoot our way out." "Max, we do have a gun." "Of course." "We do have a gun?" "Yes, I had CONTROL put a mini Mauser under my toupee." " A mini Mauser?" " Yes." "It's a new CONTROL weapon developed by Professor Peter Peckenpah." "You've seen it." "The Professor Peter Peckenpah" "All-Purpose Antipersonnel Peckenpah Pocket Pistol." "Of course." "The Professor-Peter-Peckenpah- All-Purpose-Antipersonnel" "Peckenpah-Pocket-Pistol- under-the-toupee trick." "Max, will you open the door?" "I'll shoot it open, Chief." "Come on, stand back." "Right." " Max, they're coming." " Come on, this way." "They got away." "Quickly, seal off the entire spa." "I want them dead or dead." "Psst, Chief." " Are they gone?" " Yes, I think we're in the clear." "Your shoe phone-- it's our only chance." "Right, the shoe phone." "Wait a minute, I can't use the shoe phone, I left it in the locker." " Well, open up the locker." " But I can't." "Look, the steam melted down the locker key." "Max, look at your key." "It's melted in the shape of a coin." "Yeah, just about the size of a dime." "And over there on that wall is the phone." "Of course, Chief." "We'll call a locksmith and have a new key made for the locker." "We won't call a locksmith." "We'll call Larrabee." "I don't think that's a good idea." "I don't think Larrabee knows anything about lockers or keys." "Larrabee can send help." "We should have heard from them by now." "99, don't worry." "Believe me, they're all right." "I think they're in trouble." "I think so too." "( phone rings )" "CONTROL Headquarters, Larrabee speaking." "Max:" "Larrabee, Maxwell Smart." "Smart's not here now." "Would you like to leave a message?" "Max:" "No, I don't want to leave a message." "Okay, fella." "Max:" "Chief, he hung up on me." "Chief:" "Max, now we've got to get out of here alive," " if it's only to kill Larrabee." " What'll we do?" " Call him back." " With what?" "That was my last melted key." "Chief:" "I'll use mine." "Well, didn't he say who it was?" "No, he just wanted to talk to Max." "( phone rings )" " CONTROL Headquarters." " Larrabee, this is Max." "Oh, hi, Max." "You just had a call, but the guy didn't want to lave a message." " Larrabee, that was me." " Was that you?" "You should have left a message." "We've been worried sick." "Let me talk to him, Larrabee." "Hello, Max, are you all right?" "I'm fine, 99, but believe me I'm glad you're there." "This is very important." "I'd sure hate to trust it to Larrabee." "Uh, I know what you mean, Max." "Now get this, 99, and get it straight." "The security of the entire United States is at stake." "The security of the entire United States is at stake." "Take this down, Larrabee." "This is a code-four alert." "This is a code-four alert." "Code four?" "You sure it's not a code five?" "Max, are you sure it's not a code five?" " Code four." " Code four." "The security of the whole United States is at stake, and it's only a code four?" "Seems to me like it should be a five, at least a four and a half." "Let me talk to him." "Max, are you sure that's a code four?" "Larrabee, would you get off the phone?" "Chief:" "Give me that phone, Max." "Larrabee, this is the Chief." "I can't talk to you now, Chief." "We're in the midst of a code-four alert." "Chief, somebody's coming." " ( footsteps )" " Larrabee, hold on." "Sorry, gentlemen, you've been cut off." "Well, gentlemen, we meet at last." "So you're Montague Leach." "The man they call "The Emperor."" "Now that we're your prisoners, what do you intend to do to us?" "I'm going to dispose of you." "And then what?" "Which one of you would like to go first?" "Well, the Chief has seniority." "Thanks, Max." "Well, after all, Chief, you've worked for CONTROL for a lot of years." "You're certainly entitled to a few benefits." "You will go first, Mr. Smart." "However..." "I'm going to give you a sporting chance." "Does that mean I get to go to the track?" "Mr. Smart, this is trial by combat, just as it was done in the days of Ancient Rome when the gladiators fought in the Coliseum." "Centurion?" "I think this has gone far enough." "All right, you big ugly gorilla, let's see how good you are without your fork." "Listen, I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about the big ugly gorilla." "Wait a minute." "This isn't fair, I don't have a weapon." "Oh, I was thinking more in terms of a sub-machine gun." "Let the combat begin!" "Let it begin!" "Max, you're the combat." "Put on the gear." "Hey, watch it with that net!" "You're liable to get my sword tangled in it." "That's the purpose, Mr. Smart." "You see, hmm?" "You see?" "Now?" "Well, Mr. Leach, what do you have to say now?" "Very little." "I'll let this speak for me." "( gunshot )" "Now look what you've done." "What did you bump into me for, just when I was taking aim?" "( theme music playing )"