"(barking orders)" "Hey, what's with th-this cleaning Bilko's got us doing?" "Maybe House Beautiful is coming here to take pictures." "I don't know, all of a sudden... -(door opens)" "Look out!" "Watch the door!" "Work, work, work, scrub-a-dub-dub." "That's the way to go." "Keep it clean, keep it clean." "Everybody work, work, work, work." "Shine, shine it, boys, shine." "That's it." "Good, boys." "Work, work, work, work, work..." "Keep it going." "Working all the time..." "Relax." "(door closes)" "Man, this is murder." "Hey, I got a letter for Sergeant Bilko." "Here, I'll take it in to him." "Wait." "Hey, you shouldn't open up his personal mail." "Ehh..." "Special Services, huh?" "Hey, no wonder he's got us breaking our backs getting this place to look G.I." "Listen to this..." ""From:" "Captain Blake To:" "Sergeant Bilko." ""Subject:" "Submission of name for consideration in Soldier of the Month contest"?" "!" "Bilko put his name in for Soldier of the Month?" "He's out of his mind." "Soldier of the Month?" "He's the Goof-off of the Year." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, the guy who makes Soldier of the Month gets a three-day pass." "Huh?" "(murmuring approval)" "Beginning to make a little sense, suckers?" "Yeah, that new girl Lolita-- that night club singer in Tulsa-- he's been trying to get a pass to see her for weeks." "Hmm, what an operator." "And he almost took us in." "Well, if Bilko thinks I'm gonna break my back so he can get three days in Tulsa, having himself a ball, he's off his nut." "This we don't have to do." "(muttering)" "This I ain't doing." "Oh, come on, fellas, it won't hurt to clean up the place." "(grumbling)" "BILKO:" "That's the way to do it." "Work, work, work, work, work, work." "Everybody work." "Keep it clean." "That's a boy-- scrub-a-dub-dub." "Scrub-a-dub." "Shine it up." "That's it, boys." "Keep it going and..." "What is this, Doberman, teatime?" "But Sarge, I..." "On the double, formation." "Hey-uh!" "Hey!" "Everybody in place." "Hey-ey!" "Well, you guys going to clean this place up or ain't you?" "Well?" "Sarge." "Yes?" "Doberman has something to tell you." "Wait a minute, fellas." "Oh..." "Doberman, the ringleader, huh?" "But Sarge..." "This is the cause of the mutiny, huh?" "(chuckles)" "Just the thought of living in clean barracks and in clean clothes for once in your lives strikes terror into your hearts, huh?" "You think you'll be doing all the work and I'll be Soldier of the Month, right?" "(chuckles)" "Men, how can I make you understand?" "If I do get to be Soldier of the Month, they won't be honoring me." "I'm just a mirror that reflects you-- my comrades." "And are we gonna share that trip to Tulsa with you on that three-day pass?" "(clamoring)" "Yes!" "Yes!" "You're all going there with me." "Maybe not in body, but in spirit." "I'll be thinking of you guys every minute I'm there." "And when I meet Lolita and take her dancing on that Belmore roof, will it be me she'll be holding in her arms?" "I'm just a symbol." "Yes, men, I'm just a symbol." "Even though you're here in the barracks, you'll be there every moment, feeling those warm, soft kisses, seeing those flashing, dark eyes and that cute, little nose." "Boys, yours, all yours." "Her hair, Sarge." "Black like a summer night." "With glints of stardust." "That's what's waiting for you guys in Tulsa." "(men sighing softly)" "Eyes that flash in the night, jet-black hair, figure like Venus de Milo." "Is that worth working for?" "(men shouting)" "On the double, that's it." "Keep it..." "Scrub, scrub, scrub." "Shine, shine, attaboys." "Work..." "Ordering a court-martial for a young soldier and recommending dishonorable discharge is not an easy decision, Chaplain, but look at this Private Parker's record." "Insubordination, fighting in barracks." "I know." "Chaplain, he's a hoodlum." "He never should have been drafted." "He doesn't want to be in the Army." "He's young." "He doesn't realize that a dishonorable discharge will follow him through life." "Colonel, give him one more chance." "All right." "Send in Private Parker." "We're wasting time, Chaplain." "This man is incorrigible." "We've tried..." "Private Parker, sir." "(door opens and closes)" "You wanted me?" "You're addressing an officer." "Sir." "Parker, put that cigarette out!" "Yes, sir." "Parker, the chaplain thinks" "I should give you another chance." "Oh, thanks for nothing, Chaplain." "Come on, Colonel." "What's holding up my dishonorable discharge?" "Break me... sir." "Make me a civilian again." "Wait outside for your assignment." "(sighs) Yes." "BILKO:" "Spotless." "That's the way I want it." "One speck can cost me that three-day pass and Soldier Of the Month." "I'd..." "Who-Who did tha...?" "Who?" "Who?" "Who are you?" "Parker." "Chick Parker." "I just been transferred." "Greetings." "And pick up that cigarette." "He's new." "He didn't..." "Here!" "Here!" "Here!" "On the double." "Pick up the cigarette." "Pick it up yourself." "Oh, this is all I need." "Call it, Hensh." "What?" "Tails." "Heads." "I belt him." "You little..." "What are you, nuts or something?" "That's all I need-- an NCO hitting a soldier." "There goes the Soldier of the Month and the three-day pass." "Relax." "I'll handle this." "See?" "No trouble." "I'll pick it up myself." "All right, kid, there's a little misunderstanding." "You'll be all right." "You're a little tense." "New barracks." "That bunk on the end is yours." "I don't think you heard me, kid." "This is Doberman's bunk." "The bunk on the end is yours." "I like this one." "Why, you little punk!" "No, no." "No trouble." "Why?" "Why?" "Now, look, son, this is the Army." "You see, somebody's got to give orders." "In this case, it's me." "You see these stripes?" "Now, look, rube, there's only two kinds of animals that wear stripes-- sergeants and skunks." "Funny." "Fun..." "Hold my hands." "I don't want to hit him." "Hold me!" "Now, uh, listen, son, you're a little t..." "Look, buster, you're beginning to annoy me." "Why don't you run along?" "Now, look, kid, I'm gonna play ball with you." "I know you're a little t..." "Look, meatball, you don't seem to get the idea." "I'm not doing nothin' for you!" "Now, if you don't like it, make your move now, or shut up and stop annoying me!" "Hold me." "Hold me." "I can still reach him with the feet." "With the..." "Come on, Sarge, let us take him." "Just one rap I want to..." "No." "No." "No." "No trouble." "I got to get that pass." "Happy barracks." "Come on." "Happy." "Leave him alone..." "Let me look at his Army record." "This ain't an Army record." "It's a police blotter." "Well, we got to straighten him out." "The question is:" "How do we do it?" "Hey, Sarge, why don't we use the same gimmick we used on that Dawson kid?" "Remember the Dawson kid about six years ago?" "He thought he was tough, too." "Yeah." "No, that was too much of a production." "We'll straighten him out, but wait." "At least now it's quiet." "There's no trouble." "(men clamoring)" "BARBELLA:" "All right, break it up." "Let's go." "Break it up..." "Break it up." "What's going on in here?" "He pulled a knife on me!" "One move, slob." "Just one little move." "Oh, Doberman, he's just having a little fun with you, Do..." "Doberman just asked him to move off his bunk, that's all." "Now, relax." "Re..." "He pulled a knife on me!" "Will you stop?" "They think you're..." "Come on." "He's only clowning." "Come here, I want to talk to you boys." "He pulled a knife on me!" "No trouble." "Come here." "Look, Sarge, we'll go along with you, but we can't take punks like that." "Fine." "He pulled a knife on me!" "I'll pull a knife on you if you don't stop!" "Now, you got him wrong." "He's a nice kid." "Reminds me a lot of that Dawson boy, hey, Rocco?" "Yeah." "Tonight?" "Tonight." "Hensh, let's get the maps." "Okay." "Now, look, play ball with me, all right?" "Let's have a happy barracks, forget the incident and relax." "Come on." "Lights out, go to bed." "Come on." "What a bunch of farmers." "Chick, I want to talk to you." "Oh, I'm all ears." "Get lost." "Now, don't be an umpchay." "We've been watching you" "Roc, Hensh and I-- and we like what we see." "You think big." "I guess anybody that can take care of himself looks big to you guys." "But you just ask around the South Side of Chicago about Chick Parker." "Ask some of the big boys." "And I mean big." "Yeah, I know." "That's why we want you in with us." "You working a caper?" "What is it-- a Halloween dance or a turkey raffle?" "You don't want to blow this deal." "It's pretty good." "Now, do you want in or not?" "(laughs) Why not?" "It might amuse me." "Okay." "Somebody'll contact you right after lights out." "Farmers." "I'm surrounded by farmers." "(knocking at door)" "BARBELLA (hushed):" "Hensh, it's us." "(whispers):" "Okay." "You guys been seeing too many movies." "Over here, Parker." "He's all right, Hensh." "He's in with us." "He's taking Lefty's place." "Check." "Roc, what about that tank carrier?" "Do we get it or not?" "I've been working on the ordnance, Sergeant." "And he said he'd have an 80-ton carrier for us ready at the rendezvous spot the night we wanted it, but he wants ten grand for doing it." "Give it to him." "We need that tank carrier." "How are we gonna get those three tanks from the rendezvous spot to the middle of Tennessee, where we need it?" "Check." "Lay it on 'em." "Hensh, how about the refueling?" "A guy in Kentucky's gonna have the gas drum at the side of the highway at exactly 3:57 in the morning." "Great." "Here's the gimmick..." "We take the three tanks, right?" "Hey, what are you guys up to?" "Didn't you brief him, Roc?" "Ernie..." "Ernie, I thought you did." "It's just a slipup like this that can blow the whole deal!" "Hey, what's going on?" "We're knocking off Fort Knox." "There it is." "(voice breaking):" "Fort Knox?" "Yeah, now we take the first..." "Fort Knox where the government keeps its gold?" "As of today, they do." "(laughter)" "All right, now we take the first tank..." "You guys are kidding, ain't you?" "What do you mean, kidding?" "I mean..." "Fort Knox?" "You know a better way of knocking it off than from the inside in the Army?" "No, no." "It's-It's just that it's, well..." "Just the biggest heist in history, that's all." "Maybe it's too big." "Cut that out, Rocco!" "This kid's all right." "He's got moxie." "Did you see the way he pulled that knife on Doberman?" "Yeah." "He's all right." "He thinks big." "You're with us, kid." "Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not..." "Boy, you're in." "We've been planning this caper for eight years." "We've got operators all over the Army." "Oh, you're in, because there's no out." "Sure." "Sure." "We're organized." "You think it was an accident you got drafted and was transferred from post to post till you got here?" "We've been watching you, kid." "We've been testing you." "You came through all right." "You're gonna be okay." "Now, come on." "We're way behind schedule." "We lost three months when Lefty lost his nerve." "Lefty?" "He's the guy you're replacing." "Now, there's the first tank on the outer gate, right?" "We line up the three tanks, right?" "Right." "In formation." "We're on the outer gate." "Rocco, you're in the first tank." "Hensh and me, we're in the second tank." "Check." "Parker, you bring up the rear tank at... (chuckles)" "Still got Lefty's name on it." "(laughter)" "Say, uh, what happened to Lefty?" "I just asked." "All right." "Now, we got the three tanks." "We change the insignia to the 37th Armored Division;" "that gets us through the front gate, right?" "Now, when you get into the inner security patrol" " Rocco?" "I knock off the security guard, then I protect you and Hensh." "Check." "Hensh?" "I cut loose with the cannon, blast the main door off the concrete shell of the gold reserve." "Right." "I knock off the security replacements." "That's when you come up with the rear tank filled with the explosives." "Explosives?" "Ten tons of it." "Now, look... you push your tank right through the gap that Henshaw blasted." "The tank explodes, and that inner concrete wall opens like coconuts." "(chuckling)" "Yeah, but if I'm in the tank, I go..." "You'll be out of it by then." "Hey, this is the place... this is the place that Lefty always used to chicken out." "HENSHAW:" "Yeah." "Cut that out, Roc." "I tell you, he's in." "He's all right." "Got guts, this kid." "Now, look, here's your instructions." "You light the fuse on the explosives, point the tank through the hole that Henshaw gapped for you, all right?" "Put it in first gear, throw in your clutch, open the hatch, take cover." "You got nothing to worry about." "You got four seconds." "Is that clear?" "Right?" "Hey, fellas, I hate to spoil your plans, but I just thought of something." "I don't know how to drive a tank." "(chuckles)" "What do you think, you're with amateurs, kid?" "We've thought of that." "Two weeks before we start the deal, you get transferred to tank school." "One of our operators there'll teach you the whole rumble." "Sure." "Check?" "All right." "Now, with the two remaining tanks, we're into the gold reserve, right?" "We load up, blast our way to the landing field where Blackie is waiting with the B-29, and it's off to South America." "(Henshaw chuckles)" "Rocco." "I'm in." "Hensh!" "I'm in." "Parker!" "Hold it a minute." "Turn your face this way, in the light." "Correct me if I'm wrong." "Don't he look an awful lot like Lefty?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "I'm in." "Check." "Here's the rest of your instructions." "Tonight at the main gate, there's gonna be a big, black limousine drive up." "It's gonna throw something out." "It'll be the plans where the tanks are hidden." "Grab those plans." "Now, I arranged it so nobody'll be on guard duty all night but you." "Now, you better get moving into your uniform." "Wait a minute." "Just in case." "You better learn these general orders." "Now, get used to 'em." ""Take charge of this post and all government property in view..."" "(door opens) -(Parker continues indistinctly)" "(door closes)" "He's gonna be all right." "Hey, Sarge, they're ready!" "BILKO:" "Attention, men!" "Beautiful." "Beautiful!" "You look like living dolls." "I'm proud of you all." "Now, look, I just got tipped off." "There's a carload of canned goods just been delivered to the Company B kitchen." "Now, if we can help unload that, that's some points for the Soldier of the Month contest, right?" "Now, I need three volunteers." "(men protesting)" "Hey..." "Quiet!" "The minute I ask for something, this is the reaction, huh?" "Well, thank heavens there's one guy in this platoon that's proud, proud to be with the platoon, proud to take a..." "BARBELLA:" "Sarge?" "And here he is." "He's been up all night." "This kid's got heart." "Sit down, kid." "Take it easy." "You need a little rest." "This is the kind of soldier, now." "You guys get down to that motor pool." "Keep these uniforms spotless." "Don't go near a truck." "Keep 'em clean." "And try to keep each other awake." "Dismissed!" "Have a nice rest, kid?" "Come here." "I want to talk to you." "But Sarge, I watched every car." "No limousine went by, honest." "I didn't goof." "I know, I know." "They rumbled to us, we called it off." "Now, look, we just got tipped off." "We're getting some percussion caps shipped to us from Fort Slade." "They'll be in one can in that carload of tomatoes that were just delivered to the Company B kitchen." "I want you to find that can and get those caps." "One can in a whole carload?" "How will I find...?" "Shh!" "The can is marked with an "X."" "Just look for it." "All right?" "On the double, get to that kitchen." "Well, gee, Sarge, percussion caps-- they're..." "I know." "I know they're dangerous." "One wrong move and..." "(imitates hissing explosion)" "(snaps fingers) -...they go off." "But don't tip it off, you understand?" "Now, if those caps go off in your pocket, make like nothing happened." "All right?" "Uh, I haven't been feeling too well, and I-I don't know what..." "Hey, fellas, he's getting to look more like Lefty every day, ain't he?" "I got to hurry over to the Company B kitchen." "I'll be..." "This kid's all right." "He's got a lot of heart." "MAN:" "Another load!" "PARKER:" "Coming!" "Coming!" "HALL:" "Nothing to do, Sergeant Sowici?" "Pot roast." "Colonel Hall." "Don't let me disturb you." "SOWICI:" "I was just..." "I just want to check today's menu." "Just, uh, testing the pressure cooker, sir." "PARKER:" "Coming through, sir." "Does that man have to do all that by himself?" "He insists on doing it by himself, sir." "Won't let anybody else touch a can." "Thank heavens we've got at least one good soldier left on the post." "Yes, sir." "What's your name, son?" "Parker, sir." "I'll remember that." "Pot roast again?" "Uh, yes, sir." "This time with rissole potatoes and..." "Parker?" "...string beans and mixed green salad and..." "Parker?" "MAN:" "Another load!" "Coming!" "Coming!" "Colonel?" "Excuse me, Colonel." "Coming!" "Colonel?" "I don't believe it." "I don't believe it." "(Bilko barking orders)" "PARKER:" "Excuse me, sir." "Work, work, workin' there!" "Working all the time." "Is he working all right, Sowici?" "I..." "Colonel Hall." "At ease, Bilko." "How did you do it?" "Do what, sir?" "Bilko, this Parker has a record of vicious hoodlumism." "We've tried changing his post." "We've tried punishment, disciplinary action..." "We've tried everything, with no results." "How did you do it?" "Sir..." "Did you ever try kindness?" "Kindness?" "Kindness..." "Here, listen." "(door shuts)" "I got another detail for you." "You know the quartermaster's depot where they outfit the new recruits?" "One of our men is going to be disguised as a recruit." "He's going to have a note telling us when the operations start." "You look for that note." "He'll pass it on to you." "Well, sir, I've been thinking..." "Wait a... wait a minute." "Are you left-handed?" "Oh, no, sir." "I just picked it up with that hand." "I'm right-handed, honest." "All right." "Now, you look out for that note." "It's very important." "Right?" "Right." "You get over there as soon as you can..." "Wait!" "You finish here first." "Look for that note." "It may be tonight." "Ah-va-boom!" "PENDLETON:" "All right, you meatballs, keep these yardbirds moving." "Come on." "Hop it up." "Hop it up." "Don't worry about the fit." "If it don't fit, force it a little bit." "Alterations, see your company sergeant..." "Bilko, where's that relief crew you promised?" "If you think you're going to get extra work credit points with... with promises, my men are dead on their feet." "Relax." "Here he is." ""He"?" "!" "You promised me relief for four men." "This boy is better than four men." "All right." "Come on, men." "Knock it off." "Wear this gardenia, so he'll know you." "Outfitted an entire company by himself?" "Only the beginning, Chaplain." "Oh, excuse me a minute, sir." "You the last one?" "Look, be a good boy." "Pass this note to that soldier over there." "TOM:" "I had hopes, but this?" "Bilko, how... what did y...?" "Well, look, when you're going to be Soldier of the Month, you've got to show qualities" "of leadership, don't you?" "Bilko?" "Bilko, please, how did you do it?" "It might be some method I can use." "Not you, Padre, this is way out of your league." "You could never do it." "Someday I'll find out." "All right, what is it?" "The note." "Well, read it." "Read it." "Come on." "What does it say?" ""Tonight."" "Tonight?" "Ah-va-boom!" "HALL:" "Uh, Bilko!" "That's the Colonel!" "Eat the note!" "I still can't believe..." "Kindness." "(laughing)" "You only have three fours!" "Come on, keep dealing." "Give-Give Doberman a good hand." "Hey, the winners are telling jokes." "Deal!" "Deal!" "(overlapping chatter)" "GANDER:" "Hiya, Parker." "PALMER:" "Want to sit in?" "Gee, if you guys don't mind." "Don't mind?" "Sure, come on." "Here's the guy does all the KP for us, all the work details-- of course not." "We love you, kid." "Hey, Parker, after the game, you're with us." "Down in the post theater, good picture down there tonight." "FBI in Action." "Tonight?" "Gee, I'd love to, only..." "No, I can't do it tonight." "Come on, quit dreaming." "You open." "Open?" "It's only a nickel to open." "Must seem kind of small-time to you, hey, Parker?" "Oh, oh, no." "I don't need any money." "Who wants money or gold?" "Gold?" "Where's gold?" "It's all in Fort Knox." "(laughter)" "Cheer up, will you, Parker?" "You're with friends." "Sure, kid." "Come on." "Yeah..." "Yeah, I'm with friends." "Okay, I, I open for a nickel." "I bet he's got aces back-to-back." "I'd have to have five of them to beat you guys." "(laughter)" "Parker." "Bye, fellas." "Grab that door, Hensh." "Parker, we've got to make some changes." "We found that hatch has a double lock." "You only got two seconds." "Oh, no, Sarge!" "I can't go through with it." "You've got to let me out." "(crying):" "You've got to let me out." "Looks more like Lefty every minute, don't he?" "Sarge, I'm-I'm not the tough guy you think I am." "Look, I just want to be one of the platoon." "Look, those guys-- they like me." "They honestly like me." "For the first time in my life, somebody really likes me." "I just want to be a soldier and-and get a little sleep and some peace of mind." "Chief, I can see it in your eyes." "You're going to let the little rat go." "Henshaw." "How many points have I got?" "Enough to cinch the Soldier of the Month contest." "Parker, on your feet." "I talked it over with the boys." "We're going to let you out." "You still got that knife?" "Yeah, here, Sarge." "Uh, we'll let you out if you keep your mouth shut." "Stay out of trouble." "Just be a good soldier." "Oh, Sarge, I swear, I..." "Hey, fellas, deal me in." "I want to..." "Ten-hut!" "Who said, "attention" when I should've said..." "At ease!" "Men, an honor has been achieved by this platoon that makes it imperative that I award the Soldier of the Month winner in person." "Sergeant Bilko... (cheering)" "And well you may applaud." "I join you in your happiness." "The glory that you must share." "Glory that is a reflection of your leadership and kindness." "Men, I give you the Soldier of the Month:" "Private Parker." "(cheering)" "Hey, let's go down to the PX and celebrate." "(excited shouting)" "BILKO (mutters):" "What could've...?" "Hiya, Padre." "Anything we can do for you?" "Bilko, you were right." "(chuckles):" "I could never have done it." "What went wrong?" "How did I miss...?" "I..." "You know something?" "It could work." "If we had another..." "What am I saying?" "Get it..." "Get it out!" "ANNOUNCER:" "Parker was portrayed by Paul Porter, Jr.," "Henshaw by Allan Melvin." "Fleischman was played by Maurice Brenner."