"(Horn beeps)" "All right." "Come back as you are." "That's it, straight back." "Come on." "Left hand down a bit." "Left hand down a bit." "That's it, straight down." "Stop!" "Stop!" "You cross-eyed old trout, you stupid mare!" "You've gone and broken his bloody light!" "Why didn't you shout stop, you geriatric bonehead?" "!" "I did but you're as deaf as a pickled herring!" "You couldn't direct rain to the ground, you blind eunuch!" "You're in a right mess now, this is gonna cost a fortnight's pension!" "These things are driven by cavemen, do you know that?" "I expect they'll try and do us for a twisted chassis." " Ah, hello, Cyril." " Hello, ma'am." " Hello, Lovejoy." " Hello, Cyril." "Which one's it gonna be, then?" "Banker's drafts?" "Building society checks?" "Postal orders?" " Cash." " Cash?" "Thought you were down on your uppers." "Not quite that far, Cyril." "Janey." "Er, lot 20." "53, 64 and 111." " Nobody saw us do it." " Eh?" "Could have been done before we got here." "(Whispers) Get in the car." "Don't you think we ought to leave our name and address?" "I say..." "Don't you think we ought to leave our name and address?" "You leave your name and address." "What about the valuation?" "It's been around for 300 years, another couple of days isn't going to make any difference." "Don't go so fast, you stupid old biddy!" "(Horn)" "Look what you're making me do, for God's sake!" "We'll drop this off at the stripper's and see you in the pub, Tink." " Don't let them charge you more than a fiver!" " No!" "Up we go, Eric." "Ah, yes!" "Oh, no!" " What's the matter?" " That's the matter!" "Go and see if anybody's left a note on the windscreen." " Nothing." " Oh, that's typical, isn't it?" "Now, this blanket box has just cost me 20 quid." "Fiver for the strippers, couple of quid for a new coat of beeswax." "I could knock this out for 80 quid." "Maybe a whole 100 if it wasn't raining." "But no, some inconsiderate skunk has just put me back about 50 quid for a new light." "Where's honesty, eh?" "It's out the window." "Where's integrity?" "Down the pan!" "All part of the general malaise this country's going through." "It doesn't look much but I bet they've twisted the chassis." "I wouldn't have been aggressive." "Cash would have solved the problem, 100, say." "How do you know it wasn't you?" "There was that skip behind you..." "Oh, of course!" "What day is it today?" "Tuesday." "Yeah, I always try and land myself with a 50 quid garage bill on Tuesdays, don't I?" "50 quid?" "You can pick one of those up from Frankie O'Connor's scrap yard for a tenner." "Good thinking, Eric." "Both brain cells working, are they?" "(Barking)" "That savage mutt'll bite somebody one of these days, Frankie." " Wants putting down!" " Putting down?" "Old Franco?" "Wouldn't hurt a fly." "He only eats raw liver." "I'll give you 180 if it's MOT'd." "No, we're not selling." "Have you got a back light for one of these?" "There's a motorway wreck down the bottom under a green Cortina." "Right." "200 if it's taxed." "You won't get a better offer anywhere." " Frankie, it's mine and it's not for sale." " Pity." "What's this I hear about you getting the bum's rush from Freddy the Phone's old place?" "Boy oh boy, the old... jungle drums work quick around here, don't they?" "By the way, Barry said to say hello." " Barry?" " Barry Flynn." " He's me brother-in-law's cousin." " Barry Flynn." " You were banged up with him." " Yeah." "How is he?" "Still working odd days at the building society, is he?" "In a manner of speaking." "Never understood people's fascination with ex-cons." "Everyone who's been inside wants to forget about it, rest of the world wants to remind them of it." "Come on, Eric, haven't got all day." "Got a date with a stripper." " Found it all right, then?" " Yeah, we found it all right." "Looking at a tenner there, Eric." " Here, Lovejoy, you're a tart, aren't you?" " Excuse me?" "We're antique dealers, Frankie, you know what they are, don't you?" "Yeah, always going round goosing one another." "You interested in shooters, Lovejoy?" "Big shooters?" "As in guns?" "Certainly wouldn't be as in dried peas." "Frankie?" "I'm in a scrap heap, I'm not on it yet." "And no, we don't deal in that type of thing." "Never have, never will." "Strictly taboo." "I always thought you fellas could place anything if there was a couple of quid in it for you." "Oh, well." "Shows you just how wrong a man can be." "Just a look, maybe." "All right, boys?" " Some shooter, eh, Lovejoy?" " Yeah, some shooter, Frankie." "Ha!" "Well?" " Where did you get it?" " With a pile of scrap from this farmer fella." " Where did he find it?" " Ploughed it up out of one of his fields." " Who would that be?" " Cor, there's some meat in it, eh?" "Aargh!" "I wouldn't mess around with it if I were you, Eric." "It's a big bull job if ever I saw one." "Tipped my scales at over a ton, it did." "Oh, I'm gonna lose this bloody nail now!" " I'm asking 200 quid for it." " It's scrap iron." "What would I do with it?" "The bottom's gone right out the cannon market since the Gulf War." "There's a lot of loose ordnance around these days." "If it was only bronze..." "Yeah, if only." "Oh, well." "Suit yourself." "I'll give you 150 quid for it, though." "I think it might rain." "I'll whack in another tenner for old Barry's sake." "It looks as if I'm forcing you, I don't want that." "I tell you what we'll do." "We'll make it 175 cash and throw in the blanket chest, that's 195." "Eric... (Frankie) That's it, Steve, steady now." "Here we go." "Coming down." "(Lovejoy) Bring it down now." "(Frankie) Hurry up, Eric, get out of there!" "(Eric) I'm all right." "Stop, stop." " Come on, Eric!" " Grab that end." " Right, there you go." "Right." " Straighten her up now." " Are you gonna move them tables, Lovejoy?" " No, we'll be all right." "Cos once it's down it's down." "I ain't messing about, Lovejoy." "(Creaking)" "Whoa!" "Can I sell you a sack of sand for the front seat, Lovejoy?" "Eric'll do nicely." "Thank you very much." "Get in, Eric!" "(Siren wailing)" "(Lovejoy groans)" "Ah!" "Officers Alcock and Troon." "Well, we've nothing to declare." "What you see in the back is an antique piece of scrap iron." "Looks like a gun to me." "Hope you've got a license for it." "Would you get out of the vehicle, please?" "Stay where you are, Eric." "Are you familiar with the firearms regulations, Lovejoy?" "Well, I'm sure I'm not as boned up as you are, but if you want to confiscate it... feel free, stick it in the boot of your panda." " What bore is this?" " Pardon?" " Where do you get it from?" " (Eric) Um..." " Frankie O'Connor's." " Frankie, eh?" "You got a receipt for it?" " I'm afraid I haven't." " But Frankie will confirm it, no doubt." "(Eric) Oh, no doubt about it." "Do you realize you're driving a defective vehicle here?" "No..." "Yeah, well..." "That's why were going to Frankie's in the first place, see?" "To get a replacement for that." "Well, I've got it in here." "Hold on a minute." "What's all this leading to?" "Have you got your driving license, insurance and MOT handy?" "No." "How about popping them into the station within the next couple of days?" "Think I can manage that." " I think there might be a number on this." " (Creaking)" " I've got it!" " (Lovejoy) Eric!" "Ah!" "Oh, no!" "Look." "Ow!" "I'm sure I'm gonna lose this nail, you know." "It's not Friday the 13th, is it?" "It's gonna be bad luck that thing." "I know it is." "What are you going to do with it?" "It's not exactly a paperweight, is it?" "You can hardly bring it out with the after-dinner mints, can you?" "Excuse me, but you're the one who upped the ante by 15 quid and threw in the blanket chest." "It's a crane job." "How are you gonna move it?" "I am not gonna move it anywhere." " Arthur, mine host." " Yeah?" "How about if I leave that cannon in your car park for a couple of days?" "It might bring in a few punters, eh?" "Well, just for a couple of days." "And there's no comeback if it gets nicked, all right?" "Who's going to steal it?" "It weighs a ton!" "Do what?" "There's some round here that'd nick the salt out of your crisps!" "All right, couple of days." "A week at the most." " Right..." " Stay down the end and get that rope off." "Janey, whatever you do, do not get out of the cab." " What are you gonna do?" " Me?" "As soon Baden-Powell here gets these knots undone," "I'm gonna pull... you're gonna push." "OK, give it a try now, it should just slip off." "On the count of three, OK?" "One, two, three!" "(All grunting)" "It's moving!" "(Groaning)" "Come on, Tink, this is no time for amateur theatricals." "What's the matter?" "What's he done?" "Oh-ho!" "I've ruptured..." "a hernia the size of a football!" "I'm dying!" "Shall I call for an ambulance?" "They'll never be able to stuff it back." "The fog is rising." "So we haven't reached the "Bugger Bognor" stage yet, eh?" "Well, if you don't want an ambulance, perhaps I should call a priest." "Shut up, Eric." "Now, I'm not gonna hurt you, OK?" "Just let me have a feel." " Ah!" " Tinker, I haven't touch you yet." "OK?" "Relax, relax." "Now, how does that feel?" "L-l-I felt it!" "I felt it go "twang"!" "It was the tearing of flesh and sinew and muscle, I..." "I'd recognize it anywhere, Lovejoy." "I was in the army, don't forget." "Your braces." "You bust your braces!" "My braces!" "My braces!" "(Laughing)" "Don't park in front of the cellar doors, you'll block the brewery lorry!" "Whatever you say, Arthur!" "Is he all right?" "(Both yell)" "It's best bitter." "A fountain of best bitter!" "I am saved!" "Salvation gushing from the ground!" "Oh, my God!" "Lovejoy, you pillock!" "I will kill you!" "You have totally destroyed my cellar!" "Do you see what you've done?" "Will you stop hitting me?" "I am in heaven!" "Aagh!" "Oh!" "Pinch me, somebody." "Will you stop drinking my beer?" "!" "What have you got to say for yourself?" "What have you got to say for yourself?" "I love this day." "Oh, God, I love this day!" "Well, we've all heard about things falling off the backs of lorries, but nothing quite as strange as what fell off the back of Lovejoy's pickup truck and ended up in the cellar of the Royal Oak in Kiverton." "Lovejoy here is a local antique dealer." "Can you tell me exactly what happened?" "Well, it was an accident." "It's an old cannon and it weighs over a ton." "I got absolutely no idea how much it's gonna cost or what the damage has been." "Flippin' great thing like that crashing through into the cellar." "In fact, until we get a full structural report from the builder, we can't move it, but if anybody would like to see it, you're perfectly welcome to pop by the pub." "We do bar snacks and good pub grub, we have a stripper on Saturdays..." "Yes, thank you very much." "Lovejoy, where did you find this cannon?" "Found it in a scrap yard." " How much is it worth?" " It's hard to say, really." "A lot less than it was before it destroyed my cellar..." "None of this would ever have happened if some vandal hadn't backed into my pickup truck and started this whole chain of disasters!" "Alice!" "Come and have a look at this!" ""No one saw us do it, get in the car."" "Stupid old... 0ne of my partners is losing a fingernail, the other's had a partial hernia, the cannon has caused untold damage." "Anyway, as I was saying, if you would like to see the cannon, the Royal 0ak's the place," " and we do great pub grub..." " Yes, thank you." "Thank you, Arthur." " What do you plan to do about this, Lovejoy?" " Right." "I intend to track down this vandal, wherever he or she is, find witnesses, get forensic evidence... and sue them for substantial damages, that's what I intend to do about itl" "Did you hear that, you stupid old kipper?" "...goes to show that you can't always be sure of what falls out of the sky." "Where is she?" "Where are you?" "!" "...Nick Palmer, BBC East..." "That Lovejoy fella's gonna track us down and sue us for every penny we've got." "And no doubt the pub as well, and the fella with the rupture!" "That's a truss we've gotta fork out for." "I knew we should have left our name and address." "They've got to find us first." "Bring these." "I hear you've been applying Newton's law of gravity down at the Royal Oak." "Ha ha ha." "Very witty." "Any change of address is supposed to be notified with the DVLC." "Where are you living now?" "He rents accommodation from me." "You know my address, just put that down." "If you wish, your ladyship." "I assume Lord Felsham is aware of this, er..." "Toyboy?" "The word I had in mind was arrangement, actually." "I shouldn't think so for one moment, but that's no concern of yours, Constable." "Apart from that, is everything in order?" "Well, there is the question of a back tail light." "That'll be repaired." "And no doubt the front headlight will too." "I'll send you the bill here, shall I?" "Well, thanks for saying what you did, Janey." "There was no need to mention Alexander." "Why not?" "Everyone knows, what's the point of pretending?" "If it weren't for the fact that I don't really care where he is, I'd report him as missing." "Will the toyboy drive?" " Only if you'll sit in the back." " Of course." "You know my fantasy about chauffeurs, don't you?" "...don't speak now..." " Please God, don't hit a police car!" "I'm not going to hit a police car!" "All right, all right, tell me that again... slowly." " You see..." " Hold on, Alice." "We're old-age pensioners, you see." "We don't want to get into trouble with the law." "We're a bit worried about our no-claims bonus." "I was a dentist, you see..." "I don't think I ever did your teeth, did I?" "No, you never did." "Couple of nice crowns you've got there." "Get to the point, Leo." "What is it you want exactly, Mr. Deerborn?" " Well..." " You see, the thing is, Constable... we'd like this Lovejoy fellow's address so we can go round, pay him for his broken light and get him off our backs, so to speak." " Has he been harassing you?" " Oh, no." "We've never even met him." "We just want to apologize and pay him and get the whole thing over with with the minimum of fuss." "I can't do that." "Oh..." "Oh, I'm sure you can, because..." "Well, you're obviously a very nice and understanding young man..." "You see?" "You leave it to me, everything gets done properly." " All right, all right!" " Never mind this..." "Oh..." "Oh, thank you so much." "You just tell me if he caused you any problems, Mrs. Deerborn." "Oh, I will, Constable, I will." "Thank you, Constable." "Thank you very much." "Come on, come on." "What did you have to go and mention crowns for?" "Every time..." "And now £1,000 for cellar repairs, which means I've got to make 1,200 just to break even." "So I need someone to come and give me an accurate estimate and suggest some suitable punters." "Well, that's what you do, isn't it, Gently?" "Who?" "Major Eddie Turpin?" "Hold on." "Yeah." "Major Eddie Turpin... president of the All England Black Powder Society." "Ever so slightly flaky." "Done time for arms smuggling." "That's all I need." "Flaky arms smuggler." "Major Turpin?" " Ah, you must be Lovejoy." " Yeah." "Now, who was it you said who recommended me?" "Alexander Bentley, the arms specialist." "Gently Bentley, hm?" "Know him well, do you?" " I think so." " Jolly good." "Then tell me something about Gently which very few people know." "Oh, his real name." "Peter..." "Christopher..." "Rabbit." "Right, now... 17th century, nine foot, cast-iron gun barrel." "Probably a demi-culverin with a five-inch bore, both trunnions intact." "Ah, vent blocked." "Good cascabel button there, clean astragals and fillets... signs of being in the ground for some considerable time, weight... around one ton, ton and a half perhaps." "Yeah, the cross of St. George and the Irish harp denotes that this cannon was probably part of a lot cast for the city of Derry in Northern Ireland." "This artillery piece will almost certainly have been among the ordnance on the city walls." "Now, I know you got it from the scrap yard chap but how did he come by it?" "According to him, it was ploughed up in a field somewhere near here." "Ploughed up in a field, eh?" "Now that is interesting." "The type of rust... proves that and I think you'll find that it's odds on that this little monster was ploughed up on a disused airfield." " How do you know that?" " (Eric) There's loads of 'em round here." "Yeah, he's right." "Well, during the last war, when this country was on its knees, in the dark days, that was, there was a call for scrap metal." "It was brought in from all over the United Kingdom, certainly from Northern Ireland, to central smelting points." "Remember that?" "Yes, I remember that." "They took the railings down around the brewery." "They never did put 'em back again." "No." "We gave up our aluminium saucepans, which were melted down to make Spitfires, church bells were turned into bullets, that kind of thing." "So?" "Well, not a lot of people know this." "It's still a state secret, even after 50 years." "Mega news blackout and all that." "Picked it up when I was working at MoD." "Don't tell me this would have been the only thing to fight with if the Germans had invaded." "Not even close." "You see, early on in the war, during the RAF bombing campaign of German cities, at one stage, we were so short of bombs that rather than let aircraft take off with an empty space in its bomb bay," "they would fill it up with anything heavy they could lay their hands on." "Er, Major, we're in the trade, you know." " You're making this up, aren't you?" " Making it up?" "Why should I make it up?" "Anything falling on the Krauts' heads is better than nothing." "You know, train wheels, bedsteads, old Austin 7 car engines..." "Er, Major, can we stick to the business at hand?" "You know the trouble with you people?" "You deal with antiques but you've no sense of history." "Well, I find it fascinating, Major." "Oh, you know, they still remember a night in Hamburg which they call Bügeleisen Nacht." "That's flatiron night." "Half a Wellington load of flatirons made a direct hit on the Rathaus." "Flatirons..." "falling on the Hamburg town hall?" "Major Turpin, would you be available for our next Christmas party?" "(Laughs)" "You don't suppose that the brass in London would tell the poor sods in Benghazi that we're down to running the war on scrap, do you?" "Hmm?" "Well, just look at this." "It's the same size as a 1,000lb bomb." "Leave the same hole when it hit." "Keep a German bomb disposal unit tied up for best part of a week, this would." "Yes, I heard about this, it's not as strange as it sounds." "Not you too, Tink." " But it's true!" " Truth is weirder than fiction." " Major, more to the point..." " What's it worth?" "Oh, well, to be quite honest with you, I'm not really interested in it." "But this thing is over 300 years old." "It doesn't count." "Serious collectors want bronze or more embellishment." "Major, do you wanna make me an offer, see if we're even close?" "Well, I don't know, really." "I mean, I suppose I could go to..." "Well, I don't know really. 250?" "Considering the mess you're in?" " 250?" " Sure." "And that's if it wasn't still loaded." "Loaded?" "I think we've reached meltdown, boys." "You owe me a grand you can't come up with and the Major here tells me the thing's still loaded!" " Is it dangerous?" " Er, it's hard to say." "If it was my pub, I'd rather see the thing out here than in there." " Will you give me a grand for it?" " (Lovejoy) Oi!" "I can lip-read." "It's mine!" "You can't do that, we're your best customers." "We've been coming here for years!" "Six months to be precise." "And only because you were barred from the Black Horse!" "I wasn't barred!" "I was asked to leave." " What do you say?" " I've already told Lovejoy," "I'm really not interested in it." "Arthur..." "We'll move the cannon and the Major will make sure the Royal Oak doesn't get blown to pieces, won't you?" "Well, yes." "Subject to my usual defusing fee, of course." "What about the thousand you owe me for the damage?" "Pay you 500 on account." "480, 490... 500." "You hung on to your Scottish pound notes as well?" "Lucky for you I did." "That's the second time today I've had to bail you out." "How can I repay you?" "I could think of half a dozen ways." "One'll do." "You're a very special person, you mean a lot to me." "Oh, no, don't start buttering me up." "It's probably a leap year, isn't it?" "(Chuckles)" "Actually, it is!" " No, it's not." " Yes, it is." "No, it's not." "Is it?" "Right, Frankie." "Bring it up gently." "Very carefully now." "Steady as she goes." "Steady now." "Steady." "Right across, Frankie." "Well done." "There's your 500 on account, Arthur." " (Major) Bring it in." " You had any offers yet?" "(Tinker) On the truck!" "(Major) Steady now." "Down a bit, Frankie!" "Whoa!" "Easy, Frankie!" "(Major) Well done, well done." "Had me worried for a minute there, Frankie, but a lovely smooth extraction." "Wasn't it just!" " Lovejoy..." " Yes, Major?" "That's another score, by the way." " Tinker'll see you right, Frankie." " Oh, thanks!" " (Lovejoy) Yes, Major?" " I can't take the ball out here," "I need a stronger rod." "Where are you taking it?" "Lady Jane Felsham says we can leave it at her place for the time being." "I think I may have found you a buyer." "Chap who's setting up this Cavalier Roundhead theme park thing near to Newark." "Basically he wants pieces which he can fire." "As is fairly obvious, you can't fire that." "I reckon he'll go to around seven." "You know, well, 750 at the outside." " Are you ready, Janey?" " Ready when you are, Mr. DeMille." " Oh, one thing, Lovejoy." " Yeah?" "If that thing goes off, it's pointing at you, so I'd just like to say goodbye." "Bye!" "Bye!" "Oh, Jane, Tinker..." "Just remind us how it's gonna go once more." "Yeah, Janey's gonna drive off first, then we count to two, Lovejoy goes." "So it's Janey, one-two, Lovejoy." "Janey, one-two, then I go." "OK, Lovejoy, you ready?" " No, no, it's Janey first..." " I know, I'm just saying, is he ready?" "Shut up, Eric!" "Ready!" " OK." "Janey..." " We're going in a minute!" "Janey, one-two, Lovejoy!" "(Eric) Go go go go go go go!" "Keep going!" "Stop!" "Ah!" "Ha!" "Precision bombing if ever I saw it!" "Pity he wasn't so accurate in the Royal Oak car park." "Well done, Janey." "Now all you've got to work out is how to get it back on the truck." "I'm working on it." "Here, Eric." "Got this soap and plaster of Paris." "I'm sure I've seen this crest before but I can't think where." " Derry?" " No, I've never been to Derry." "That's why we need a second opinion." "Thanks, Janey." " Good morning, Eric!" " Morning!" "You've just volunteered to house-sit the cannon while Jane and I go to London." "Oh, thank you very much." "That's very big of you." "Why don't you call in the SAS just to make sure?" "Here's the plaster cast." "Still a bit wet." "Nice job, Eric." "And as you'll have very little..." "well, almost nothing to do... may I suggest you fix the back light and the indicator on my truck?" "The keys to the tantalus up at the big house are under the Yellow Pages but I wouldn't bother cos she marks the brandy decanter with a fine pencil line." " No." " So buy yourself some lager, just get rid of the cans, eh?" " Why can't I come with you?" " Hm?" "Why can't I come with you?" "Because you can't." "This is where they used to bring them, Janey." "Up the river from Westminster." "The only way out of here was feet first and usually minus their heads." "Traitor's Gate." "It's ironic, isn't it?" "People who try and ruin a country and fail are called traitors, those who succeed are called politicians." "I think the Tower of London's the wrong place for a sudden attack of candor." "Come on." "(Eastern European accent) Will you tell me what you know about it?" "Well, erm..." "I'll try, Miss, er..." "Miss..." "Ulasuitz." "Ulasejevic." "You can call me Natalie if it's easier." "Oh, I'd like that, Natalie." "According to a Major Turpin, Natalie..." "Would that be Major Edward Turpin?" "Yeah, it would be." "This is a 17th century nine-foot cast-iron demi-culverin artillery piece, part of a lot cast for the city of Derry in Northern Ireland and it almost certainly would have been among the ordnance on the city walls." "He also told us this weird story about this stuff being dropped on the Germans from Wellington bombers during World War 2." "Also, it's still loaded." "Will you come with me?" "I want to show you something." "Both of us?" "This piece was dredged up off the Dutch coast." "It went down with the British warship during the battle of Scheveningen in 1653." "Anything like yours?" "Almost exactly like ours." "Considerably less rust." "But what's outstanding about it are the arms, which are the arms of the Commonwealth, which were used by Oliver Cromwell between 1649 and 1660 when this country was a republic." " So it's not from Derry?" " This one was used at sea, like yours was." "It's not a demi-culverin either?" "A culverin, possibly a culverin-drake." "You look surprised." "We are, rather." "What makes this cannon so rare is that only one other cannon bearing these arms is known to exist, and that's in Barbados." "Yours would appear to be the third." "But surely Cromwell cast thousands of cannons with this crest on." "He did indeed, but when the monarchy was restored and Charles II was safely on the throne, he decreed that every Commonwealth crest was to be obliterated completely, and they did such a thorough job that nothing survived." "So what you're saying is that our cannon falls into the quite rare category." "I'd say so, yes." "And it's worth considerably more than 750 quid, right?" "Well, we are not permitted to discuss values but if it's a genuine Commonwealth gun, off the record, erm..." "I'd say 750 would be about 10% of its true value." "I'd have to look at it first, of course." "I can come up tomorrow if you like." "So tell us about Major Turpin." "Oh, he's an enthusiast, and a dealer in old ordnance." "I bump into him at the sales from time to time." "He buys mainly for the overseas market." " And sells it too, I hear." " I believe so." "How come he made such a mistake with the identification?" "Well, he's mainly 18th and 19th centuries." "It's very easy to make a mistake if it's not your period." "But I'll tell you one thing - if it were mine, I would chain it to something really solid." "Like bedrock." "Yes, can I help you?" "We're looking for Lovejoy." "We were told that he lived here." "Well, I'm sorry he's not here today, he's on a business trip in London." "But I'm the next best thing." "Catchpole's the name, antiques are the game." "I imagine it is something antique that's brought you here." " Yes, him." " Ha ha!" "Not exactly." "You see, Mr. Catchpole, a few days ago, my wife here had a stupid, unfortunate accident." "It wasn't entirely her fault." "She's had her eyes tested..." "What he's trying to get out is that I'm the person who backed into the truck" " and smashed the back light." " I see!" "So, if you would be so kind as to give this check for £50 to Lovejoy as payment for the light, with our heartfelt apologies, we would be most grateful." " Well, I'm sorry, Mrs..." " Deerborn." "Yeah." "I'm sorry, Mrs. Deerborn, but he doesn't accept checks." "Well, we could shoot down to the building society." "If you want my advice, just forget about it." "Forget you've been here, forget you've spoken to me, cos to tell you the truth, he doesn't know who did it and he never will." "Well, that's all very well you saying that, but how do we know we can trust you?" " We came here in good faith." " And I respect that good faith, Mrs. Deerborn." "But trust me, my lips are sealed." "Dealer's honor." "Dealer's honor?" "It's the first time I've ever heard that one." "Well, I think that's most noble of you, Mr. Catchpole." "And seeing as you're an expert, perhaps you'd like to come down and look at something." "Ah." "It's supposed to be the last palette ever used by Van Dyck." "What do you think?" " Van Dyck, you reckon?" " Yes." "Which one?" " What do you mean, which one?" " There was only one Van Dyck!" "There was only one Rembrandt until they started probing into him, then they found out there were dozens of them all over the place." "No, I'm not sure about this." "No provenance, no nothing." "And there's no market in palettes these days." "The recession killed it off." "Still, it is a nice frame." "So I'll tell you what, I'll give you 15 quid for the frame." "Er, not today, thank you, Mr. Catchpole." "Fair enough." "I won't waste any more of your time, thank you." "Oh, by the way, how much did the repair cost?" "Er, the... 50 quid." "Ahem." " Morning, Lady Jane, Lovejoy." " Eric." "Have a nice time in London, did we?" "Ahem." "Did you sleep well, Eric?" "Of course not, I was up patrolling the grounds every half-hour." "I used to be in security, you know." "Well, your sacrifice was not in vain." "The cannon's almost unique" " and it's worth at least seven and a half grand." " Ha!" "You're kidding!" "And somebody from the Royal Armouries is coming this afternoon to have a look at it." " Maybe they'll make us an offer for it." " Yeah." " You got drunk, didn't you?" " I didn't!" "(Both shouting)" "Ah." "Lady Felsham." "Major Turpin." "Hello." " I was there all night!" " You can't even!" " Morning, Major." " Lovejoy, Eric." "May I introduce Matthew Belford?" "Matthew is opening the theme park I told you about." "Come to see your cannon." "Well, there's nothing to see anymore." "I don't understand." "You said you were bringing it here." " Yes, yes, I did." " Well?" "It was stolen during the night." "Stolen?" "!" "That's impossible!" "You can't just walk away with a ton and a half of iron." "I brought Matthew here to have a look at it." "If you've got another client, Lovejoy, I'd find that bloody unprofessional." "And a shoddy trick to boot, if you ask me." "There is no other client and there is no trick!" "It's been nicked, it has gone." "Eric the Rottweiler here got out of it and it has walked." " Oh, come on..." " Come and see for yourself, come on." "I didn't!" "(Major) I don't understand a damn thing." "No tracks, no footprints." "Not even a fag end." "What about a helicopter?" "I thought you were awake all night." "Or a hot-air balloon, they're pretty quiet." ""Hot-air balloon"!" "I'm beginning to ask myself if it was ever here in the first place." "Now, what's that supposed to mean?" "Sorry about this, Matthew." "I'll be sending you an invoice, Lovejoy." "For services rendered." "Oh, plus my mileage." "All I can say is, I hope it turns up somewhere." "Goodbye, Lady Felsham." "Matthew." "Goodbye." "Did you know it was a Cromwellian Commonwealth gun, Major?" "Cromwellian Commonwealth gun my arse." "(Eric sighs)" "You know, if you were awake all night, Eric..." "I might have dozed off for a minute, I don't know." " You heard nothing at all?" " Not even an owl." " Where's Tinker?" " I don't know." " If you..." " I'm going to inform the police." " Then maybe I can claim off my insurance." " I'll come with you." "(Arguing)" "Don't tell me to go faster!" "Stop now." "Quick, reverse." "Get out, out!" " What price now?" "!" " Move!" "I'm moving, I'm moving!" "Reverse..." "I told you we should never have come here, you deranged gerbil!" "Quick, get out of here, quick!" " Afternoon, all!" " Hello, Tink." "Oh, Tinker Dill, this is Natalie Ulasejevic from the Royal Armouries." " Pleased to meet you, Mr. Dill." " Where's the gun?" "!" "Stolen from under his nose last night." " By the way, where were you last night?" " I was poring over dusty tomes." "I finally identified the arms on the cannon." "Cromwellian Republic, making it a Commonwealth gun." "What, you know?" "I could have stayed in the pub!" "There is something curious about all this." "What?" "Well, the impression here in the sand doesn't match up with the cannon in your pictures." "In the picture, the distance from the cascabel to the trunnions is much greater than it is in the sand." "I'd say that there was at least eight inches difference." "How does she know that?" "She's an expert." "Now, the muzzle, here, is much smaller than it is in the sand, so, whatever it is that made this impression certainly wasn't the gun in your pictures." "So what you're saying is that whoever stole the cannon went to all the trouble of making an impression in the sand," "To make us believe that it had been stolen so they could come back later, steal it themselves when the coast is clear, perhaps." "What are you rambling on about?" "Coast is clear!" "I mean, it's not here, is it?" "Unilateral thinking, Eric." " Dig." " What?" "!" "(Jane) I think something's here." "(Eric) It's here!" "Look!" " (Jane) It is!" " (Laughter)" "(Eric) Who'd have believed it?" "!" "(Lovejoy) Well done, Tink." "One Commonwealth gun... if I'm not mistaken." "Would you be burying that thing or just exhuming it, Lovejoy?" " Oh, I can explain, Constable." " I think we've seen enough." "Lady Felsham, I trust you won't be making a claim on your insurance company?" "Of course not!" "Well, there is a small matter of wasting police time to be taken into consideration but I'll put that on Lovejoy's account if that's all right with you." "(Eric) Looks incredible." "Couldn't agree more." "It could almost fool me." "Well, to avoid a repetition of last night's fiasco, Eric, you're taking first watch." " What?" "!" " I'll relieve you in four hours." "What are you lot gonna be doing?" "We are going to reward Natalie for an excellent impression of a Commonwealth gun..." " with dinner." " Spasiba." "Put the saucepans back in the kitchen, Eric." "And rake the sand." "Bloody great!" "(Owl hoots)" "(Tinker) Hic!" "About time." "You are relieved." "There's your supper." "Oh, thanks a lot." "I shall take over now." "Ah-ah-ah!" "Have no fear." "(Snores)" "(Tinker) No, get out the way." "I've gotta have a pee." " Morning, lads!" " (Tinker) I had a lot to drink last night." "(Eric) Well, more than I did!" " Everything all right?" " Yeah, fine, thanks." "Breakfast down the pub, my treat." " (Phone)" " Excuse me." "Could you, erm?" "Thank you." "These are nice." "Hello?" "Yes, this is Jane Felsham." "What?" "Oh, my God." "Is it serious?" "Yes, I'll be there right away." "What happened?" "Tinker's fallen down the cellar steps at the pub." "Oh, my God!" "Oh... (Speaks Russian)" "Are you all right?" "Oh, no!" "God, damn and blast!" "Morning!" "We've come to see Lovejoy." " He's not here." " Oh." "Any idea when he'll be back?" "Tomorrow, day after." "Gone to Dublin." " What?" " He's gone to Dublin." "You can leave a message if you like." "Hey!" "That's the cannon that finished up in the pub cellar." " Isn't it?" " What, this cannon?" " Yes." " Er, no, I don't think so, no." "Oh, come on, Leo." "There's no point in staying if he's not here." "Come on!" "(Bang and crashing)" "Oh, God!" "(Muttering)" "You silly old tart, you pin brain!" "Look what you've done to the man's car." "No, look, it's nothing." " Nothing?" " These things are meant to take knocks." "Just forget it, there's a good chap." "Oh, no, not this time." "Look, take this." "Have your bumper rechromed." "No, it's my fault." "I shouldn't be parked like this in the first place." " Come on, Leo, let's go." " Stop being hysterical!" "Insurance details, please!" "Look, would you do me a favor, both of you?" "Hm?" "Just bugger off out of here!" "Well, I'd say that was the galloping Major." "I must check the cannon." "And who have we here?" "Alice and Leo Deerborn." "They're the couple who smashed the light on your pickup truck." "Now look here, if we hadn't been here, your cannon would be on that back of that trailer." "So you're the two who started all this." "Well, the things is, we did offer your associate £50, but he turned it down." "Did you really?" "Is that right, Eric?" "Well, Alice, Leo." "If I may call you that..." "Now, the thing is, as you won't accept the cash, we'd like to say how sorry we are for having caused you all this trouble, and we'd like you to accept something in lieu." "Now, just a minute, I'm just gonna get something out the car..." "This is a one-off, one in a lifetime." "You'll like it." "...because, you see, this is worth £50." "It's Van Dyck's last palette." "More like Dick Van Dyke's." "I offered 'em 15 quid for the frame." "I can't accept it." "This is all your fault." "She's caused so much aggravation..." "Shut up, Leo!" "But why can't you accept it?" "It'll more than cover the cost of the back light." "Oh, exactly." "I could probably buy another pickup truck and still have a pile of cash left over." "What?" "!" "It's not Van Dyck's last palette." "It's something more interesting." "Come with me." "When Charles I was executed, Cromwell tried to ban all his pictures." "Now, one way the Royalists could keep faith with the monarchy was in these secret pictures - anamorphic pictures, they're called." "The way to see them, the way to break the painter's code was to put a silver cylinder on here - something that Cromwell's rummage crews didn't carry round with them, right?" "But I can use Eric's exhaust pipe." "Right." "Who's that?" "Ah..." "We haven't seen one of those for a bit." "It's Charles I." "Ha!" "Isn't that incredible." "Well, well." " I can see his face!" " Who would have believed it?" "You can never tell what's looking you straight in the face, can you?" "Well, with you, that isn't surprising." "Oh..." "We just thought it was some old palette." "Leo took it instead of cash for some dental work he did." "I told you, didn't I?" "You just didn't trust me one little bit, did you?" "No." "How much is it worth?" "Depending on the painter..." "three or four grand." "But Eric was right about one thing - the frame's worth about 15 quid." " My new carpet..." " We're worth a fortune." "I've got it." "I've got it!" "No, no, no!" "Stay away from that thing, it's still loaded." "Gunpowder loses its potency very quickly with age." "Well... a cannonball it isn't." "What on earth's that?" "A Cromwellian... rat." "Eurgh!" "We're off." "Are you quite sure you don't want the palette, Lovejoy?" "Alice, keep it." "We're both a few quid up on the day, let's leave it at that." "Oh..." "Thank you." "Thank you, Lovejoy." "You're a gentleman." " Bye, everyone." " Goodbye, everybody!" " (Jane) Goodbye." " Come on, darling." "Goodbye!" "Well, I think this calls for something French and fizzy, don't you, Tink?" "I thought you'd never ask!" "(Bang)" "(Leo) You boss-eyed old bat!" "Look what you've done!" "(Alice) Don't speak to me in that tone of voice!" "(Leo) That's the third one this week!"