"**" "* you won't admit you love me * * and so * * how am i ever * * to know * * you always tell me * * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps * * perhaps * * perhaps *" "* perhaps *" "Susan's." "Operator:" "Hiscallis beingdiverted." "Leasehold." "( house phone rings )" "hello?" "Hello, who is this?" "Um..." "For God's sake, is this some kind of pervert?" "It--it's Steve." "Oh, Steve!" "Hi." "It's Sally." "Yes." "You looking for Susan?" "She's not here." "No." "My shower's broken, she said i could use hers." "You could try her mobile-- ohh!" "No!" "She bent right over, right in front of me!" "You lucky bastard!" "Lucky?" "!" "Brilliant!" "That kind of thing never happens to me." "Jeff, she's a friend!" "I'll never be able to look her in the eye again." "But at least it happened once." "You had an opinion yet?" "Nope, nothing." "I keep trying to have an opinion, but nothing happens in my head." "My point exactly." "Men can't have opinions about fabric." "They haven't got the equipment." "So what happened?" "What?" "With Sally's ass?" "Oh, bollocks." "What's wrong?" "I just cut you off." "Steve?" "Yes, Sally?" "You're standing right behind me, aren't you?" "I'm more than usually certain of that." "I'm going to pick up this towel." "You're going to look the other way." "Clear?" "Yes." "Yes, good idea." "I'm really sorry about this, um-- i was just looking for my keys, i thought i might have left them here." "Okay." "But i couldn't find them." "So i thought I'd phone Susan's mobile, but it diverted here." "Oh God, I'm just so sorry about this whole..." "Nudity situation." "Did you look everywhere?" "Okay-- okay, yes, i looked." "I'm a bloke, you bent over, i looked--shoot me." "Did you look everywhere..." "For your keys?" "How can i ever tell Susan?" "What do you mean?" "She's my best friend." "My best friend's boyfriend has seen my bottom." "There must be a rule about that." "A rule just for bottoms?" "You've never understood about bottoms, Jane." "Having a bottom is living with the enemy." "Not only do they spend their lives slowly inflating, they flirt with men while we're looking the other way." "I think you've got a very troubled relationship with your bottom, Sally." "Well?" "I nearly had an opinion about that one." "What was it?" "It's got a lot of lines." "Okay." "Uh, what do you think about that?" "I don't know." "You see?" "It's not genetically possible for men to have opinions about fabric." "So anyway-- what did, uh..." "Susan say about the whole Sally's ass thing?" "It only happened this morning." "I haven't told her yet." "You can't tell her, Steve--ever." "Why?" "Sally is Susan's best friend." "She's completely off-limits." "You have seen into the very heart of the forbidden lands." "You must never speak of what you saw." ""The forbidden lands"?" "Best friends and sisters-- you can talk to them, you can be friends with them, but you never get a backstage pass." "What, you mean you're allowed to do everything else?" "No, what he's saying is, your girlfriend's best friend and sisters are off-limits." "I dated twins once for a month." "Exactly." "And what happened when they found out?" "When they found out?" "They were working me in shifts!" "I was in a threesome, i didn't even know it." "I was exhausted." "I kept wondering when she slept, when she ate." "Why she kept changing her name." "So how could even you not notice you were dating two different people?" "You see, identical twins can have a weird psychic link." "Yeah, you're right." "Identical woulda been worse." "Okay." "Okay." "Sally's bottom-- what did you think?" "Well, it-- it was a bottom, it was one i hadn't seen before." "I wasn't bored." "Did you like it?" "I like Susan's better." "Then why bother with Sally's?" "Well, it-- it was fresher." "And it was-- it was new bottom to me, it increased my bottom-seeing total." "Ah." "No." "Susan and me, we're very together now." "We're at that kind of moving-in stage." "You know, it's all about fabrics and curtains and--and cushions..." "Susan gave me this a week ago!" "I was supposed to have an opinion by now!" "How am i expected to have an opinion in a week?" "!" "So--what if you tell Susan that you've seen Sally's bottom?" "I will tell her." "We're honest with each other, we tell each other things." "Yeah?" "And what if Susan asks if you liked her best friend's bottom?" "What if?" "Don you know what she'll really be asking?" "Do you know what captain subtext would say?" ""Captain subtext"?" "She'll be saying, "do you fancy my best friend?"" "And who is captain subtext?" "So what will you tell her when she asks you that?" "The truth." "But you do fancy her." "Everybody fancies Sally." "Okay." "I'll tell her lies." "She'll know." "Will captain subtext tell her?" "Captain subtext isn't a real person, Steve." "Yes, i got that." "So who will tell her?" "The prickles, the blurts, and the head laugh." "And are they real, or do they work with the captain?" "Oh, Steve..." "They're real." "Hi." "Hi, sorry I'm running late." "No problem." "Can't stay long." "Late night shopping with Steve." "We're at the furniture stage." "Good luck." "Oh, no, he's taken a real interest." "He's had a pattern book for a week." "I may need both your opinions on a sofa, by the way." "Ooh, i love giving opinions, I've got hundreds." "Did you use my shower okay?" "Sure, thanks." "Steve turned up, by the way-- he lost his keys." "Oh, right." "Hope he didn't catch you with your Kit off." "Jeff:" "Stage one-- the prickles." "You can feel the prickles starting all over your face." "If you just think the word "blush,"" "your head will inflate to three times its normal size." "And then you realize you're not saying anything." "Your stuck on "pause,"" "and you've forgotten how to work your face, and the pause is just getting longer and longer, and you've got to get back in control!" "Mistake two--the blurts." "No." "No, of course he didn't." "No." "No way." "As if." "No, of course not." "Why would you think that?" "I mean, come on, Susan." "Then you realize you were speaking too fast, and you've got to compensate, make it seem all right." "That's when you make the biggest mistake of all." "You do the head laugh." "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "Okay, what's wrong?" "Was he the one with the magic ring?" "I'm sorry?" "Captain subtext, did he have this ring that would shoot out this Ray and it would become like a giant fist or an axe or something?" "No, that was green lantern." "Was he the one with the giant cave, then?" "Patrick!" "There isn't a captain subtext!" "It's just an expression for when you say one thing and mean another." "Exactly." "He didn't have a cave." "He lived in our attic and had secret meetings with my mother." "Right." "He had a special helmet of truth detection." "If i ever told any lies, he's sneak into my room when i was asleep and perform surgical operations on me." "You can stop any time you like, Jeff." "Every morning I'd check, and my penis would be a tiny bit smaller." "Every time i told a lie, he's sneak in and remove another segment." "Segment?" "That's how my mother would know if I'd been fibbing." ""Keep up with all your lying, Jeffrey," "I've always wanted a daughter."" "Ah, mothers, eh?" "I'm sorry, but that's completely mad." "It's a little special, isn't it?" "People don't say one thing and mean another, it just doesn't happen." "People make subconscious slips." "We all do it." "Thank you, Steve, but i think you'll find not everybody has a subconscious." "Very probably true." "Anyone want another drink?" "Great, yeah." "Better not." "Came in my penis." "I'm taking it to the garage." "Been having trouble lately, it just won't start." "Your car?" "I said "penis" there, didn't i?" "So..." "Having a bit of car trouble, are we?" "Anything you wanna share with us?" "Any of your motoring difficulties?" "Look, you two may have subconsciouses, but there's nothing going on in my head!" "All right, only joking." "Just kidding." "Anyway, it was your fault, you started talking about traitors in the first place." "Penises!" "Not traitors." "Penises." "Whoo hoo!" "Anyway, look at the time, it's well past time i was getting off." "'Bye, guys." "'Bye." "See ya." "Okay, so Steve saw your bottom." "So what?" "So my relationship with your boyfriend has been thrown completely off balance by the weight of my bottom!" "Can i please rephrase that?" "Well, look, I'm not exactly feeling threatened here." "Steve's terrified of you, and you think he's useless." "You like men who can do things." "Don't we all?" "No, i mean practical things." "She likes plumbers, carpenters." "She cruises the yellow pages." "I do not." "She's been known to put on her best frock and sabotage the dish washer." "What would be the point?" "I hate having sex at home." "I've got a listening flat mate." "Oh, no!" "I hate those." "Do you have to be really quiet for her?" "No, i have to be really loud." "We're very competitive." "You know, I'd never have pegged you as liking the practical type." "Oh, i like a man you can kick out of bed and he'll do things 'round the house." "That means there's a point to-- well, the rest of him." "I like a man in a tool belt." "It's all just there, in a row." "Sex and mending things." "It says, "i can fix your cistern, and i can..." "Fix your cistern."" "I've always thought plumbers must be the best at sex." "I mean, there must be a lot of useful crossovers." "Well, then, i just need a good reason to call out a plumber." "Aaaah, your shower." "Good idea." "I'll break my shower." "No, your shower is broken." "I'm sorry?" "You had to use mine this morning, remember?" "Of course." "Exactly." "My shower's broken." "I had to use yours." "Silly of me, forgetting like that." "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "( sighs ) you could fake an opinion." "Yeah, you could have an opinion about patterns with lots of spots." "Like what?" "Well, you could say that, um..." "You're undecided about spots." "That's not an opinion, that's not having an opinion." "I can't go in with that." "Why?" "Are you feeling guilty?" "Yeah, a bit." "About the ass-seeing?" "Es,about the...ass-seeing." "But that's all you did, isn't it?" "You just ass-saw." "Of course it is, nothing more." "What makes you think that?" "Nothing." "Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" "I think perhaps you should go." "Right." "Steve." "Yes?" "Could you stop thinking about my bottom, please?" "I'm not." "You're picturing it." "I am not." "I've moved on." "It's still in there." "Well, it's in there now-- you've reminded me." "Well, get rid of it." "You keep bringing it up!" "I can't get it out of my head-- it's... expanding." "Expanding?" "!" "Like..." "Space jelly!" "What's space jelly?" "!" "I don't know!" "My bottom is not expanding space jelly!" "I'm just big-boned!" "Oh, thanks!" "Now I've got breasts!" "For God's sake!" "Are they gone yet?" "Yes, they're gone." "Thank you." "Steve, i am your girlfriend's best friend." "I know." "As for as you are concerned, i stop from the neck down." "As far as I'm concerned, you're not even plumbed." "Plumbed?" "Sorry!" "Sorry!" "Let's try putting this delicately, shall we?" "Yes." "Delicately would be good." "As Susan's best friend, i am, to you, a bit like Australia." "Australia?" "Very distant, largely uninhabitable, and with areas of great danger." "Oh, right!" "I see." "Good." "I thought it was about having a lot of convicts." "I was trying to say, Steve, that there are very few areas of me where you can go in safety." "Right, good." "Very delicate way of putting it." "Thank you." "You mean i can visit your Sydney or your Melbourne-- exactly." "But I'm not welcome in your Bush." "I think I'll..." "Probably just go." "I think you probably will." "Oh, by the way." "What?" "You're not in the least bit big-boned." "You're fine." "You look great, really." "Thank you." "Steve-- hmm?" "Do you mean that?" "I'm sorry?" "I'm asking..." "Do you mean that?" "Do you really find me attractive?" "Sally?" "Sorry about this." "My boyfriend's really let me down." "Don't worry, we're open till ten." "Pity." "Pity?" "Why do girls like you always have a boyfriend?" "Because i have acute nymphomania and my own brewery." "Ha ha ha ha!" "I like women with a sense of humor." "You'll attract them." "Okay." "Is this the one?" "I think so." "Sally's there." "Steve:" "Yeah, i know." "With her ass." "It'd be quite Scary if she'd left it at home." "You don't understand." "I can't look at her without imagining her ass now!" "It's like it's transmitting" "I'll look at her face, and I'll get ass!" "It was me that saw it!" "Me, not you!" "I know, but it's out there now." "You released it, Steve." "Sally's ass has tasted freedom, and it's never going back." "Steve, hi." "Hi." "I thought you weren't coming." "What do you think of this?" "What is it?" "It's a suede cushion." "Well, I'll need a little more time." "Okay." "Did you bring the pattern book?" "Yeah, absolutely." "Here it is." "Any opinions?" "Um....uh...." "We have other fabrics." "Would you like to see them?" "Oh!" "Do you have anything with...spots?" "No." "Because actually," "I'm, uh, undecided when it comes to spots." "Well, I'm sorry we're going to have to miss out on that." "Why are you staring at my face?" "I'm not, I'm not." "I'm staring at your face." "What?" "!" "Okay, so after a whole week you haven't actually managed to have a single opinion, have you?" "Um...about that number, yes." "Okay." "Fine." "No problem." "Um, can everyone just come and have a look at this sofa, please?" "This is the sofa we're thinking of buying, and what we've gotta do is choose a covering." "I'm gonna show you my favorites." "Anyone scared so far?" "I'm scared." "You're always scared, Jeff, you don't count." "Right." "I want to know what you really think." "You've seen my best friend naked." "Nnnn--I've--I've seen your best friend..." "Naked." "Oh." "Your boyfriend's seen me naked." "Cleft." "Let's all talk about me!" "I wonder how my bottom actually looked." "Buttocks." "Gusset." "Bicycle saddle." "Me, me, me, me...me!" "I have an enormous penis." "Actually, I've got a bigger penis." "By far." "Sorry, but my penis is staggeringly vast." "Look, I'm--I'm-- massively well-endowed." "I'm the manager here, so my penis is like an enormous train." "With gigantic-- oh, for God's sake!" "Can you please just be honest with me?" "About what?" "Anything!" "The fabric thing?" "Anything at all." "Just give me some evidence of sentient activity, instead of just standing there waiting for something else to be indecisive about." "Are you all right?" "What's wrong, Susan?" "Cleft?" "I mean--sorry." "What do you expect?" "You bring me to a place like this-- i can't have opinions in a place like this!" "I just have to fake opinions to stop you getting cross." "Don't be ridiculous." "Okay, okay" "I'll show you." "What is this?" "It's a cushion." "Right." "Yes." "It's a cushion." "Thank you for that-- very informative." "Have you got any of these?" "No." "Of course you haven't." "You--are you married?" "Living with anyone?" "No." "Got any of these?" "No." "Of course not!" "You bring these things into our homes-- they sit on our chairs." "They watch our televisions." "Now, i just need to know-- on behalf of all men everywhere, i just need to ask, please-- what are they for?" "!" "I mean, look at them-- look at the chubby little bastards just sitting around everywhere-- what are they-- pets for chairs?" "Come on--you sell them, what are they for?" "Well-- you sit on them." "Ah!" "Ha ha ha!" "That's where you're wrong." "Nobody sits on them." "Watch this." "Here's the cushion, I'm putting it on the sofa." "Now watch me" "I'm sitting down, and what do i do on my final approach?" "I--oh!" "move the cushion." "D'ya see?" "It's not involved!" "It's not part of the whole sitting process, it just lies there-- it's fat litter!" "It's a sofa parasite!" "It's, you know...padding." "Oh, padding." "Now, that's interesting." "See, i like padding." "If i was, say, an american football player, all those big bastards running at me, i would say," ""give me some of that padding, and be quick about it."" "If my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks, i would say, "in view of those jagged rocks down there," "I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much."" "But Susan, Sally, Jane-- this is a sofa." "It is designed by clever scientists in such a way so as to shield the unprotected user from the risk of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and, of course..." "Daleks." "Trust me girls, trust me on this one-- you do not need padding to tackle upholstery." "So please-- once and for all, tell me why on earth you would want me to sit on one of these!" "Because if you pressed it firmly against your bottom, it might stop you talking!" "I saw Sally naked." "I know." "It was an accident-- so what?" "Oh, right!" "Of course." "And that's all there is to it, right?" "It's just a stupid mistake." "Absolutely." "'Course it is." "Nothing more to it." "Why would there be?" "Ha ha ha!" "Ha ha ha!" "The prickles, the blurts, and the head laugh." "Jeff works in my office, remember?" "Oh, right." "Um" "Susan, there's just a little bit..." "More." "Sally?" "This is probably a bad idea." "What is?" "Well..." "What do you think?" "We're not in Sydney anymore." "Come on-- am i attractive?" "Well--yes." "Am i having an effect on you?" "Yes." "Absolutely." "How much of an effect?" "For God's sake, what do you want me to do-- measure it?" "There's nothing here that a man would find..." "Repulsive?" "Of course not!" "Then why are you looking so frightened?" "Because you're Sally!" "Because the next time i see you I'll be thinking of you naked!" "It'll be like meeting Jenny agutter." "Jenny agutter?" "Imagine meeting Jenny agutter-- it'd be just, "seen that,"" ""seen that."" "Jenny agutter will do just fine!" "Thank you." "'Bye now." "What?" "Would you mind?" "I've got no clothes on." "Oh, right." "Yes." "( door slams shut )" "why?" "Why did you do that?" "Actually, yes-- why?" "I was feeling a bit insecure, needed a bit of a boost." "Sally-- you flashed my boyfriend!" "The truth." "Ow." "Well, pretty sure I'm still attractive, so...." "I don't think it's my fault." "I've never had a failure before." "Well, neither have i." "Never, ever." "Maybe we shouldn't have been here for the first time." "You're not gonna tell anyone about this, are you?" "Oh, Patrick, of course not." "You and Patrick!" "?" "When did" "Patrick had a failure!" "It's like discovering there isn't a father Christmas!" "Patrick?" "I thought you were going home." "I can't." "It's my car-- my big end's gone." "* if you can't make your mind up * * we'll never get started * * and i don't wanna wind up * * bein' parted, broken-hearted * * so if you really love me *" "* say yes, and please don't tell me * * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps **"