"Wouldn't it be good to know exactly how unpopular you are with the opposite sex compared to your classmates?" "Luckily for me, someone invented Valentine's Day, my favourite annual humiliation." ""Roses are red, violets are blue," ""your dong is massive, I want to blow you." ""Love from your secret slut."" "I didn't get none." "I can't believe you got so many." "Yes, it is hard to believe." ""Dear Jay..." ""I've just baked you a finger pie." "Why don't you cum..."" " Spelt C-U-M. "...and taste it?"" "Mate, that's so horny." "Who d'you think it's from?" " Your dad?" " Yeah, funny." "Let me look at these." ""Jay, you massive stud, please, please spaff on my tits." ""From your Valentine's bitch." "PS, and on my face."" "That's my favourite, I like how she remembered the face." "It's funny how all these cards seem to be in the same handwriting." "Your admirers are either very young or have severe learning difficulties." "Which is a possibility." "The handwriting's bad cos they were strumming one out as they wrote 'em." "Not you writing with your left hand?" "You're just jealous because I got loads and you got none." "I got a card!" "If it's from your nan, it doesn't count." "I didn't get any, then." " I actually did get a card." "A proper one." " Total bollocks." "Yeah?" "What do you call this, then?" " Interesting!" " Wow!" "Who from?" "Hannah Fields, in the year below." "Sniff it to see if she rubbed her fanny on it." "Neil!" "Nah, just a bit of perfume." "So what are you gonna do about it?" "Nothing." "Apart from making sure Carli doesn't find out." "She'll be too busy sucking on her boyfriend's knob to notice." " Shut up!" " What?" "He'll have his cock right deep in her gob and then in her vag." "Out the vag, back in the gob." "Thanks" "Oh, yeah, that reminds me." "Give that to your mum for us." "Are you serious?" " Oh, you are." " Don't tell her who it's from." "No, course not." "Anything else, Neil?" " Would you like me to ask her out?" " Would ya?" "!" "Let me think." "Would I?" "No." "No, I fucking wouldn't." "Good morning." "And shut up." "Right, everyone, your work experience placements have been finalised." "And as 99% of you left it to the careers officer," "I don't want to hear any whingeing about where you're heading." "Sir." "There seems to be some mistake." "Is the mistake you choosing to ignore me saying, "No whingeing"?" "Ha-ha!" "No, sir." "It says here I'm going to work at a garage." " Yes?" " Come on." "Me, a garage?" " Does that seem likely?" " What's your point, McKenzie?" "I wrote to the local paper, to shadow a journalist there." "Maybe even write a few pieces myself." "Right, let me have a look." "I don't get paid extra for this, you know." "OK, it says here that Sutherland is expected at the newspaper." "Case closed." "Well, then there's clearly been some sort of mix-up." "I don't mean to be rude but..." "look at him." " No offence." " None taken." " What was your first choice, Sutherland?" " Airplane driver." "And that is?" " Someone who drives planes." " You mean a pilot." " Do I?" " What was your second choice?" "Working with cars." "Right." "Have you ever wanted to work at a newspaper?" " No, sir." " Have you ever read a newspaper?" " Not really." " OK..." "It does seem there's been some sort of mistake here somewhere." "That's OK, mistakes happen." "Shall I go to the paper tomorrow?" "No." "No." "You go to the garage." "It's all booked." "Is this a joke?" "Do I make a lot of jokes?" "But, sir..." "I can't change the placements." "Can't or won't?" "You pick." "It's the same result." "Sutherland." "Does this mean I won't be driving any planes?" "Well, this is a fuck-up." "What kind of experience will I get at a garage?" "Apart from a depressing working-class one?" "You get to look at horny calendars." "Why work for a paper?" "I thought you were going into the family business." " Which is?" " Prostitution." "Yep, nice one." "It'll be shit anyway." "The clue's in the name - work experience." "It won't be shit at my dad's firm, Si." "When I worked there last summer," "I spent every day jumping JCBs over cement mixers." "Well, that's a lie." " And I got paid a grand at the end." " Another lie!" "I had a wank this morning thinking about your mum's tits." " Is that a lie?" " I hope so." " It's not." " Oh, good." "Sorry, mate." "I ain't your fuckin' mate!" "He's touchy." " Probably cos he's such a shortarse!" " What'd you say?" " What?" " He's taking the piss, Danny." "Yeah?" "I'll fuckin' do you." " Yeah, whatever." " Wanker!" " What's his problem?" " Ooh, don't cry, Simon!" "Yeah, good one." "Um, catch you up in a bit." "Oh, that's right - run after her, that's not creepy" "I may not have received any Valentine's cards..." "Charlotte  but that didn't mean I hadn't sent any." " Charlotte!" " Oh, hello." "Happy Valentine's Day." "Did you get any cards?" " Yeah, maybe... ten." " Ten?" "!" "Yeah, yeah, me too." "But... did you get any flowers?" "I think you know I did." "I thought it was really sweet." "And I was gonna say, if you're not doing anything, we could hang out this Friday." "I think I'm free." "Yep." "Yes, I am." "I'm working behind the bar at this local Valentine's disco thing." "It's under-18s, so it might be a bit lame, but if you fancied keeping me company?" " A date?" " No, Will, not a date." "Just two friends hanging out." "Great." "See you on Friday." "It's a date." "No, it's not a date." "Cool." "She said it wasn't a date, but we both knew it was." "Before that, I had to make the most of my new, pointless, shitty manual job." "Hello-o-o?" "Will McKenzie?" "Er, I'm here for work experience?" "You must be Will." "Great to meet you, I'm Jim." "This here's Wolfie and Steve." "Hi, Jim." "Hi, Steve." "Hello, Wolf." "Wolf-ie." " Wolfie, right, gotcha." " You'll have a right laugh here." "Long as you don't mind a bit of blue talk." "Not a poof, are ya?" " No." " Not a problem if you are, just be harder to join in some of the banter." "Any part of car mechanics you're interested in, as it goes?" "To be honest, none of it... as it goes." " More interested in bikes, is it?" " No, the media." "Or law." "Look, no offence, but I'm never gonna work in a place like this." " Place like this?" " You know, a place like this." "Manual." "Dirty." "Not stupid exactly, but not academic by a long chalk!" "It's not that I'm better than this, it's just that I'm much cleverer than you need to be to work here." "Steve here's got a BTEC." "Exactly." "I suspect the mix-up'll be sorted today, I'll be gone tomorrow." "I see." "You don't mind helping out today, then?" "No, course not." "Just the once, eh?" "Right, Cholmondley-Warner." "We need some stuff picking up from the suppliers." "Fine." "Let me just get a pen and paper." "Great." "OK, we need two tins of tartan paint." " Tartan paint times two." " Spirit level bubbles." " Bubbles for spirit level." " D'you need anything, Wolfie?" "Yeah, ask him for a reach-around." " A reach-around." " Don't forget, you really need that." "Fine." "So that's two tins of tartan paint, bubbles for spirit level and... a reach-around." " Ask for a long wait while you're there." " Great!" "Ahhh..." "This is a joke, isn't it?" "What?" "These items... they're not real things, are they?" "They don't exist." " I don't know what you mean." " I know these initiation ceremonies exist in certain types of workplace, and, don't get me wrong, I enjoy the camaraderie, but you have to get up pretty early to fool me." "No, fair enough, you caught us out." " Yeah, fair cop." " Too sharp for us!" "Why don't we initiate you with a pint at lunch?" " Great." " We'll go to the Crown." "Barmaid in there's got a smashing pair of tits." "OK..." "So, while I was getting a City  Guilds in tits," "Neil was at the newspaper, happily wasting the opportunity of my lifetime." "Toby, your work experience is here." "Oh..." "Fine..." "All right." " Hi, you must be Neil." "I'm Toby." " All right?" "So, tell me, what are you looking to get out of this assignment, Neil?" "Don't worry, I won't steal nothing." "No... what I meant was, is there anything specifically you'd like to do while you're with us, or an area of journalism you're particularly interested in?" " No, not really." " Right." "And do you have any questions you'd like to ask me about anything?" "How long's my lunch hour?" "An hour." "Meanwhile, Jay really had arranged some great work experience for Simon, freezing his arse off at a disgusting plant-hire yard." "This is shit." "I don't wanna do this for a living." "Nah, it's all right!" "We'll be able to drive the diggers soon, I reckon." "Oi, Jay!" "What have you stopped for?" "This is work experience, not standing-around- being-a-useless-twat experience." "You don't need any experience at that - you're the expert!" "Sorry, Dad, we only stopped for a moment." "This is well knackering." "Well, you'd better get used to it, cos with your brains you'll be fucking lucky to get a job throwing shit into a skip!" "This isn't exactly how you described it." " Get many Valentine's cards, then, Simon?" " Just the one." " One more than Jay's ever got." " I got plenty." "Don't worry, son, there's a girl out there for you somewhere." "You just need to find a desperate bird that likes the smell of BO and blokes with tiny cocks!" "Now, get back to work." "I ain't paying you to sit on your scrawny arse." "Nice." "All right?" "I thought you were meant to be at the newspaper." " They let me go home at lunch." " You jammy bastard." "Si, what's all this I hear about you having a fight with Danny Moore?" "What?" "!" "Who's Danny Moore?" " He's been saying he's gonna do you in." " Who is he?" "I don't even know who he is!" " That kid you called a shortarse." " That was Jay." "Well, you'll have to go and knock him out now." "Teach him a lesson." "Neil, tell him he's made a mistake." "I'm not getting involved." "He's from a hard family in Northwood." "His brother did time." "Oh, Northwood?" "Been nice knowing you, Si!" "What is this - my dad's bigger than your dad?" "What are we, 12?" " I think he is 12, actually." " You're not scared, are you, Si?" "No, it's just I'm not going to look cool beating up a kid." " And you couldn't." " I fucking could." "Now can we leave it?" "I'm not fighting anyone." "Oh, yeah, nice one." "Mature." "Compared to Simon, my first day was turning out OK." "After a morning of pretending cars were broken and overcharging middle-class women, we had bonded over a pint." "Thanks for that, guys." "That was a much more civilised way to welcome me." "It's a shame we won't get to do it again..." "Oh, no!" "A kidnap?" "!" "What are you, a Cockney Al-Qaeda?" "Don't shit yourself, we're just going for a drive." "Hello, mate!" "Come on, guys, is this really necessary?" "What about my allergies?" "!" "Come on, let's talk about this." "Please!" "My allergies!" "Wasn't expecting that, was you, mastermind?" "!" "See you tomorrow!" "Institutionalised bullying wasn't quite the work experience I had in mind." "But I knew how to deal with bullies." "I got my mum to tell the teacher." "I was hoping you'd be able to do something about it, Mr Gilbert." "I'm sorry." "I just wonder what he said to them." "I don't think he said anything, Kevin." "Come on, he must have said something." "He walked back through the town centre sopping wet and barely clothed." " Ha..." " I'd hoped you'd take this seriously." "He wrote to the paper especially to get work experience, and instead I'm picking frogspawn out of his underpants." "Would you..." "Would you excuse me just for a second?" "Oh!" "God!" "Look, I don't want it to seem as if I'm passing the buck, but it really is up to their employers." "I will ask if they'll consider swapping students, but I can't promise anything." "Now, if you'll excuse me, I do have a meeting to attend." "Oh, what a pickle!" "I'm not sure I should send Neil to the garage." "Those men sound like brutes." "I think it was just high jinks." "What, three dirty men throwing a young naked boy into water?" "Oh, the mind boggles." " I never said Will was naked." " Oh..." "I thought you did..." "Hmm, not quite the outcome I'd hoped for - Neil's dad imagining me naked." "When it comes to love, they say a gentleman never tells." "But unfortunately I wasn't a gentleman." "I was a twat." " Guess who got a date with Charlotte." " Mark Donovan?" " Nope." " I bet it is Donovan." "He's probably balls deep in her right now." "No!" "The answer... is me." "No way." " Yes way." "Of sorts." "Of sorts way." " How?" "I have no idea." "Honestly, I don't, and I'm not gonna stop and ask her." "She likes me at the moment, so I'm gonna try to keep it that way." " Sounds like a good plan." " So when is it, then?" " What?" " The date." " Friday night." " What we up to Friday night?" "Same as every Friday night - nothing." "Maybe we could go." "In what world would I want you to come along?" "It's not for you, it's for us." "It'd be funny to watch you fuck it up." "Yeah, you might cry." "Thanks for the vote of confidence, but you won't want to come." "I'm meeting her at this under-18s night she's working at." "It will be very uncool." " Sounds all right to me." " At least we'll get in." "No, no." "No." "You honestly won't like it." " We might even get some." " Won't they be a bit young?" "Nah." "If there's grass on the pitch, play ball." "And what if there isn't?" "By the time you find out, it'll be too late." "Surely you've got better things to do than watch me try to get off with Charlotte?" "Great, no, fine." "See you there, then." "So before my date with Charlotte, and it was a date," "I had to endure one last day with the savages." "Although I was pleasantly surprised to find Jim and Wolfie engaged in serious debate." "All right, Will?" "You'll like this - we're just having "a discussion"." " Oh, really?" " Which titties would you spunk over?" "The pert little ones, or big and bouncy?" "Right handful, plenty to play with." " They both look nice." " Better than anything you'll ever get!" "All right, then, I'd spunk over the big ones, and they're not better than I'd get." "Bollocks." "Here, Steve..." " Speccy here..." " I've told you about that." "Reckons he's had better than that!" " I have." "Fuck off, you're a virgin!" " Classic virgin." " You're wrong." "I did it last year..." "with a girl I'm seeing tonight." "Yeah, sure." "Yep!" "She's fit, she's older than me, and she goes like a porn star." " Oh, right" " Yeah, and she's got massive titties, and I..." "Well, I... fucked her hard and all night long." "What are you and this dirty little horn-bucket up to this weekend, then?" "I might come and check her out." "Going to an under-18 disco where she works, so you won't be able to." " I could go." " What?" "I could go." "I'm 17." "You're 17!" "?" " You're 17?" " Yeah, yeah" " I just look older." "There's looking older and then there's that." "You look about 30!" "Lovely!" "Wolfie'll pop by and check out this tart you've been boning, then." " Good." " Maybe Wolfie'll pull her." "Except he won't do that, cos she loves me." " She loves ya?" "I think I'm gonna cry" " Um..." " I mean... she loves to fuck me." " Yeah... course she does." "That evening at the Civic Hall," "I hoped Neil would enlighten me about what I'd be up to next week." "He'd never enlightened me about anything ever before, but you never know." "How was the newspaper?" "Did you write anything?" "No, nothing boring like that." "I'm on the internet most of the day, this afternoon I smashed up some old desks in a skip, and then home at four." "Are we the oldest here?" "Possibly." "It's even more shit than I knew it would be." "I don't know why you came." "To see you get blown out by Charlotte Titties." "Please try not to fuck this up." "Charlotte asked me here, so there's a chance, admittedly a very slim chance, that she wants to pull me." "Or she needs a mechanic to service her car!" " Good one" " I'd service her all right." "I'd slide my dipstick in right deep!" "Well, thanks for coming, guys." "Really appreciate it I'm gonna find Charlotte." "Up to you." "It looks like there's some tidy minge here." "It's tidy because there's no hair on it." "Oi, Si." "Hannah Fields is over there." "Is that who your Valentine was from?" "Oh, yeah, shit." "She looks quite fit, actually." " I'll go over and tell her you fancy her." " No, hang on." "Why?" "Well, you going over and telling her I fancy her seems a bit, y'know, childish." "When in Rome." "That's how you got to play it with these younger girls." "You go over..." "Shit, she's coming over here." "So, did you get my Valentine's card, then?" "Oh, yeah, great." "Thank you." " Do you want a drink?" " I've got one, thanks." " No, I mean a proper drink." " Oh... right." "Yeah, thanks." "You're fit." "Sorry?" "Oh, forget it." "Come on." "I think you're well sexy." "I used to stare at you in assembly." "Right." "Ooh, you're so horny." "Tongue me!" "Um, how old are you?" "Blimey, that didn't take long." "Compared to you and Charlotte, anything's quick." " Softly softly catchee monkey." " I didn't know you spoke Spanish." "See!" "I told you this was a great place to get your fingers stinky." "Oh, my God, she's going for his cock." "Oh, what you doing?" "Shall we... go somewhere more private?" "I want you." "No-one's touched that before, it might go off." " Oh, good!" " Oh..." "Yes, crikey..." "Careful." " Are they allowed to do that in here?" " Crikey!" "Fuck me, she's gonna wank him off!" "The jammy git's pulled an experienced cock-handler." "Or... someone so hugely inexperienced, she thinks this is the best way to pull an older boy." " Either way, it's a win-win situation." " It's not really, is it?" "Thanks to me, we're now watching Simon get wanked off." "Yes, well, we really do have a lot to thank you for" "Getting a bit weird now." "I don't like it when he makes eye contact." "None of us do, Neil." "Call me a shortarse now!" " Argh!" " Yeah?" " Come on, then, you fucking coward!" " Argh!" "Oh, please, not his face!" "I'm gonna fucking do you!" "Northwood are in the house now." "You're fucking dead!" "How... embarrassing." " That was brilliant!" " Was it?" "Fucking hilarious!" "He totally did you." " Have they chucked him out?" " Doubt it." "They're not gonna chuck him out for that - just a scuffle." " He kicked me in the cock." " Good shot to get you in the cock!" " What happened to Hannah?" " Um, I think you blew it when you got knocked out by a 12-year-old." "I fucking slipped!" "He's talking to a load of Northwood lads." " What?" " And they don't look 12, to be fair." "Fucking hell, Si, you muppet." " We are so dead." " Dead?" "!" "That should be the end of it!" "Simon's taken a beating, a child's honour has been restored." " I didn't take a beating!" " Yeah, you did." "This is Northwood we're talking about." "It's not the end, it's the start!" " What we gonna do?" " Shall I get Charlotte?" " Why, is she hard?" " No, Simon, she'll get them thrown out!" "I'll find her, you lot go and hide somewhere." " Hide?" " Yes, hide!" "Toilets?" " Charlotte!" " Someone's desperate for a Diet Coke!" "No, Simon's been attacked by a kid..." "What, in here?" "What did he do, headbutt him in the knee?" "Ha, no!" "Kicked him in the cock, actually, but listen..." "Will, please say you aren't gonna ask me to protect you from some children." "Hmm... a bit." "All right, Cholmondley-Warner?" " Oh, no." " Is this your bird?" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "Nice to meet you." "You're just like Will said you was." "Right." "I hope that's a compliment." "Oh, yeah, it is." "You wouldn't mind having a quick word with our boss Jim on the old blower, would ya?" "Please don't." "New friend?" " From work experience." "Not a friend." " Jim for ya." "Ignore everything he says, it's all bollocks, I promise." "Hello." "Right." "No, I'm not his girlfriend, no." "No, we didn't have sex." "He did, did he?" "No, that didn't happen." "No, I'm not a porn star!" "Charlotte, listen..." "I was working in a garage." "You don't understand what it's like." "How many chances do you think you'll get to be a dickhead?" "One more?" "Wrong." "You're a nasty little virgin." "See you later." "Right, fair enough." "OK, best of a bad lot, deal with what we've got." "You've got to help me and my mates, we're in trouble." "Nah, I'm off." "Only popped in to check out your missus." "Right, well, thanks for popping by and ruining my love life." "No problem." "I hope you and your ignorant boss get a good laugh out of it." "Cos I'll tell you who'll be laughing last!" "Me!" "Cos I'm not the one who'll be working in a shitty garage doing manual labour for the rest of my life." " See you Monday." " No!" "No, you won't!" "Because I'll be at a local paper." "That's right, a local newspaper!" "So my date - yes, date - was a disaster." "But at least my friends weren't hiding in the toilet." "Oh, they were." "Hmm." "There was only one person who could help us now." "Thanks for stepping in, mate" "I was going to dive in the second you put your cock away." "Budge up a minute, Jay, I really need a piss." "You're not pissing in here, Neil." "Why not?" "It's a toilet." "Go outside if you have to." "What if they come in?" "I don't see why I can't piss here." "Because I do not want to see piss coming out the end of your cock." "I could sit down and do it." "What?" "I do that sometimes." "You know, for a treat." "Oh, fuck, just get on with it, then." "Are you going yet?" "I can't, you lot are putting me off." " Shit, who's that?" " Could be Northwood." "Who is it?" "It's obviously me." "What is happening in here?" "Has Charlotte sorted it?" "No." "I've sorted it, though." " What have you done?" " Called my mum." "She's gonna pick us up." "What?" "Oh, this is tragic." "Your mum is coming to rescue us from the toilet of an under-18 disco because we're being bullied by 12-year-olds?" "Oh, no-one must ever know about this." "Si, just go outside, take your beating from a child like a man, and then we can all leave." "I'd have taken him down if it weren't for Northwood." "How were you going to take him down?" "Spunk in his eyes?" "Oh, shit." "What if Carli finds out about me and that girl?" "Oh, no!" "Maybe she still won't go out with you." "Oh, God, this is a fucking disaster!" "No, actually, it's OK, I've worked it out." "I just need to move away and change schools." "My night hasn't exactly been brilliant either." "At least next week will be better." "Get my teeth into some journalism." "Oh, yeah, the paper want to keep me on, so there's no room for ya." "Tell me you're joking." "Nah, they said I was the best work experience they ever had or something." "This is an urgent message for William McKenzie." "Could William McKenzie please make his way to the front entrance, as his mother is here to pick him and his friends up." "That's William McKenzie, Year 12." "Please come to the front, where your mother is waiting to collect you." "Oh, for fuck's sake!" "It had been a strange week." "I hadn't experienced much actual work, but I had learnt some valuable lessons." "Never work with children or animals." " Hello, Wolf." " Wolf-ie." " Don't call your Valentine a porn star." " You're a nasty little virgin." "And despite what I'd previously thought, a girl touching your penis is not always a good thing." "# Have you noticed" "# I've never been impressed" "# By your friends from New York and London?" "# I'll level accusations like the press" "# Till you realise that you've dressed yourself in tatters" "# Because a man's needs, man's needs" "# Are lost on me... #" "Ah, there it is."