"# Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians" "# Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights Dingy Castles, Daring Knights" "# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians" "# Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crime Punishments from ancient times" "# Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless" "# Groovy Greeks, Reigning stages Mean and Measley Middle Ages" "# Gory Stories we do that" "# And your host a talking rat" "# The past is no longer a mystery" "# Welcome to... #" "Hello, I'm a gorgeous Viking scientist, and this is the wonders of the Viking universe." "You know, we Vikings are amazing scientists, we can navigate across the world's oceans just by using our knowledge of the stars." "We can tell where we are just by looking at the consistency of coastal mud." "What we Vikings don't know about the universe isn't worth knowing." "And we also know that it rests in the branches of an enormous tree called Yggdrasil." "It's a massive tree, amazing." "Brian, stick to the script, mate, yeah?" "At the bottom of the tree is the land of the dead and right up high, the top of the tree, is Asgard." "Now, that's where all the gods live, and it's all surrounded by this vast ocean with a big snake in it called Jormungandr." "It's a huge snake, amazing." " All right, Brian, I'm going to stop you there, yeah, mate." " What?" "Erm, I'll let the tree rubbish go, because it's a nice picture, yeah?" "But the massive snake is ludicrous." "No, it's not." "No, it's Viking scientific fact." "You know, like the beautiful gigantic bridge in the, in the sky that connects where we live to Asgard, the home of the gods." "Amazing." "Right, if it's so amazing, why can't we see it?" "You can." "Well, that's what a rainbow is." "No, Brian, a rainbow is just a refraction of light, yeah?" "No, no, every Viking knows it's a bridge you walk on to Asgard if you can get past Heimdall, the warrior who guards it." "All right, Brian." "Sorry about this, all right?" "Come on, lads." "No, wait." "I haven't told you about Loki, who gave birth to an eight-legged horse." "It's Viking scientific fact." "Amazing." "It's true." "Vikings believed all that nonsense." "They really did think Loki gave birth to an eight-legged horse." "Bet they've never had that story line on Holby City." "Yes, it's fair to say those Vikings did things a bit differently." "TELEPHONE RINGS" "Hello, historical dates, call us with speed if it's a partner you need." "I'm sorry you had a terrible date with Alexander the Great." "Perhaps you'll have a great one with Ivan the Terrible." "CLIENT HANGS UP" "Maybe you should go out with him." "Oh, no, I've had enough, Karen." "I'm not dating any more men." "Least of all these historical ones." "HORN TOOTS" "Oh, hello, the Viking." "What can I do for you?" "I am looking for a woman." " Bing." " She must be good at fighting." "Well, you should see me on a Saturday night." "And she must be able to manage the farm whilst I'm away on Viking raids." "I love animals, I do." "Embarrassing." "Well, in that case, what are you doing tonight?" "What?" "Really?" "Wait till my mum hears I'm going out with a Viking." "No!" "You must not tell your mum." "If you tell your mum, I must marry you." "What?" "A Viking who takes too long to propose to a woman can be physically harmed by this woman's family." "Hello, Mum." "I'm going on a date with a Viking," "I got to go, I got a wedding to organise." "Babe, you hardly know him." "Now, how much will your father want for you?" "Sorry?" "We Vikings always pay for the bride." "Sally's as cheap as chips," "For two bags of chips, you probs marry Sally and her sister." " All right." " Nice deal." "Right, I must go and fetch the goat." "The what?" "To sacrifice, so that we can drip its blood over us." " Lovely." " And then we will eat, drink and wrestle." "Sounds like your cousin's wedding, Sal." "And then we will hurl insults at each other." "You cut price Saxon bride from hell, you stupid..." "Oh, OK." "Now, I'm going to stop you there, I don't want to marry you." "I just think it's moving a bit too fast." "OK, listen, since I'm here, do you mind if I do a bit of pillaging?" "Oh, no, not at all." "Help yourself." "Doing anything nice at the weekend, Karen?" "Well, I'm thinking I might..." "One of our most unpopular emperors was Emperor Nero." "He really had no shame." " Oh, I can't believe it." " Mother." "The whole city burnt to the ground and our home, our beautiful home." "TRUMPETS" "His Majesty, the Emperor Nero." "Hail me." "Oh, mighty Emperor, thank you for visiting us in our hour of need." "Well, yeah, of course." "OK, so let's have a look, shall we?" "What do you make?" "I make it 5.4?" "Darling, he's going to rebuild it." "Yes, I am, time is of the essence, people." " Emperor." " Thank you." "I see a beautiful Roman palace, lots of Roman villas, lots of pavilions, a man-made lake and a revolving dining room." "I've always wanted one of those." "She has always wanted one of those." "What?" "Oh!" "I get it, yeah." "You think I'm building this for you." "No, no." "I'm building a palace for me, right here in the centre of Rome." "Where will we live?" "I dunno, on the edge of town." "Do you know an area called the slums?" "Ha-ha-ha!" "But they're just full of dirty poor people." "Well, all your stuff's been burnt to a crisp, you should feel right at home." "But, Emperor, our... our lives have been destroyed, you have to do something for us." "And so I shall." "I promise you I will not rest until there is a 35-metre bronze statue of me just there." "How shall I pose?" "Grapes, no grapes." "Argh." "Oh, save the waterworks, love." " There's no fire left to put out." "Ha-ha-ha!" " Ha-ha!" "Oh, very funny, Emperor, very funny." "Tss, oh, I'm literally on fire." " Oh, because of the fire!" " Cos of the fire." " Yeah, well, brilliant, yeah." "Right, let's take a look at the bathroom, shall we?" "Did he...?" "Nero declared himself the winner despite crashing out, unlike this champion who earned his fame and fortune in the Roman arena." "Enjoy the thrills and spills, but chiefly the spills, of chariot racing at the Circus Maximus, with celebrity charioteer, Scorpus." "2,000 and counting." "And the most brutal and deadly race of all time." "Good choice." "Choose team colour." "Yeah, green's good." "Although red doesn't show up your opponents' blood so much." "He-he-he-he!" "Let the race commence." "Ho-ho-ooh!" "Do you have what it takes to survive the seven laps?" "Oh, yeah." "Well, he doesn't." "Watch out for the fallen charioteer, you don't want to miss him." "Nearly missed you." "Ha-ha!" " And watch out for the flying horse poo." " Ha-ha-ha!" "Avoid the broken chariots, known as shipwrecks." "If you do crash, don't forget to let go of the reins." "Oh, unlucky, you can't, they're wrapped around your waist." "So long, sucker." "Scorpus wins." "Yeah." "And I live to race another day, unlike my winning horse, who is to be sacrificed to the gods." "I shall miss you, Dobbinus." "I'm not crying." "No way, I'm not crying, I'm not." "# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths" "# They're funny cos they're true Wooh!" "# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths" "# Hope next time it's not you He, hee!" "#" "Oh, no, no, you're doing awfully well, a new judge is just what we needed, keep these two on their toes." "Next!" "And you are?" "Richard Lionheart, King of England." "Mm, also known as the King of France." "Oh, if only." "I hate England, that's why I was always away fighting." "Oh, which presumably explains the er..." "Yes." "Come on, then, hit me with it." "The story, not the sword." "He-he-he!" "Well, I was besieging a castle in France." "As you do." "And I became highly amused by one of the defenders." "He was holding a crossbow in the one hand, and a frying pan in the other." "He was using it as a shield, every time an arrow came towards him, pop, he popped it away, pop." "40, love." "New balls please!" " Sorry?" " As in tennis." "Tennis?" "Oh, never mind." "Carry on." "It was the funniest thing you've ever seen," "I was laughing and all the guys were laughing, we were having great time." "And sadly, I didn't notice that there was a small boy aiming his crossbow at me." "Oh, I see." "Ouch." "And the wound went gangrenous, et voila, here I am." "How come your armour didn't stop the arrow?" "Oh, I wasn't wearing any armour." "You went into battle without wearing any armour?" "Oh, tough." "It's how I rule." "Oh!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Well that, yeah, erm, you're not Richard the Lionheart, you're Richard the Chicken Brain." "Ha-ha-ha!" "Mummy's joke, you two raise your game, you're through to the afterlife." "Oh, by the way, what happened to the little boy who killed you?" "I gave my men the orders that he must be forgiven and given a full pardon." "Mm, nice touch." " Au revoir." " Au revoir." "Next!" "Arh." "I take it Richard's men didn't obey his order." "Oh, well, what you going to do?" "You're through." "Ha-ha." "Next!" "# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths" "# Hope next time it's not you Hoo-hoo!" "#" "Richard the Lionheart fought in the Crusades and in their bid to capture the Holy Land," "Crusaders went away on long journeys through unfamiliar foreign countries." "And so they had to be ready for anything." "My name is Sir William Giscard," "I am your worst nightmare." "I am going to turn you into crusaders or kill you trying." " BOTH:" "Sir, yes, Sir!" " Why are you here, soldier?" "Because I'm a lean, mean, crusading machine, Sir." "Arh, freckles here thinks he's a fighter." "Well, freckles, can you defend yourself against a Saracen lance?" " Sir, yes, Sir!" " How about a Saracen sword, can you defend yourself against Zimmertar?" " Sir, yes, Sir!" " What about a man with elephant trunks for ears?" "Sir, yes." "No, what?" "Know your enemy." "The Penati is not an Italian cake, it's just one of the monsters you may have to fight in the Holy Land." "What is so funny, soldier, am I amusing to you?" "Sir, not you, Sir, the man with stupid ears." "Oh, he's funny, is he?" "What would you do if he was charging towards you, argh?" "What would you do then?" "Erm, cut his ears off?" "Right, yeah, that'll do it." "What about the one-legged Cyclops?" "Too slow, you think that's slow and he will dance on your grave." " Hop." " Hop on your grave." "Right, freckles, you know so much about him, you can be the one-legged Cyclops and attack me." "Attack me!" "Argh!" "Get out of it!" "Did you see what I just did?" " Pushed him over." " I just pushed him over!" "The one-legged Cyclops has one fatal weakness, he only has one leg, clue's in the name." "As monsters go, these ones are a bit rubbish, really, aren't they?" "You clearly haven't met the Antipodes." "What's he got, Sir, no legs?" "Oh, he's got some legs, soldier, he's got a fine pair of legs." "They're pointing in the wrong direction." "That's right, Mr Smarty Armour Underpants." "What would you do if he was running towards you?" "Do whatever I like, cos he'd be facing the wrong way." "What about a horned human who grows old when he's seven?" "Hide and wait till he dies of old age." "What about a bird, so big it can pick up an elephant?" "I guess I'd shoot him down with arrows, I mean you can't miss." "Sir, are you sure all these monsters actually exist?" "Do you want to see proof?" "Do you want to see scars?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "Well, when I meet them, I will show you the scars." "You haven't actually met one, then?" "We have had detailed descriptions of these monsters by travellers." " And they've seen them?" " They've heard about them, yes." "Face it, none of these monsters actually exist." "There is one that exists, and I've seen him with my own eyes." "He terrifies the inhabitants of cities by throwing the severed heads of his victims over the walls." "What kind of sick creature is this?" "A Crusader." "That's what we do, boys." "Now." "Grab a head and let's start throwing, hey, go!" "Crusaders discovered some unusual stuff when they were out fighting in the Middle East." "Check out this crazy cure." "If you want to give them a great way to start the day, give them something really different for breakfast." "Yes, we take the finest old Arabian men and feed them nothing but honey." "Then, when they die, we bury them in more honey." "Then, we wait a hundred years and dig them up again." "And it's the delicious golden honey and hundred-year wait that make the great taste of Mellified Man." "So give them the finest delicacy of Medieval Arabia, golden chunks of real 100-year-old honey soaked dead person." "A mummy in honey, that's yummy." "Yeugh!" "I am not eating that." "Yummy." "Y-U-C-K, yuck!" "And that's not a word I use often." "People really thought that mellified man had healing powers, as if." "The Georgian era saw lots of advancements, like the Agricultural Revolution, which all started with the humble turnip." "Good morning." "ALL:" "Morning, Lord Sugar." "This was a perfectly simple task." "I asked you, vegetables, to take these turnips and turn them into cash." "You lot, who's your project manager?" "I was." "And what did you bring to the table, Whiggy?" "I prefer the name the Second Viscount Townshend." "No, I'm not impressed, Whiggy." "I'm a Lord, answer the question." "Well, Lord Sugar, I'm a politician," "I served for a decade as Secretary of State with responsibility for directing British foreign policy." "Was he a good project manager?" " I'd have been better but I." " Ha!" "I hardly think so." " Actually, I've been in charge of all sorts of things." " Such as?" "Two pigs, a goat, goat died." "Boo hoo." "Right that's enough of you, Whiggy." "I'm sick of hearing from you." "It's Team Whig, with a H, named after my political party." "Don't try and make me look stupid." "You're the one that looks stupid." "Right, you lot, I believe you've called yourself team Go Wurzel." " Go Wurzel." " Go Wurzel." " Go Wurzel." "What did you lot do with my turnips?" "We made soup." "Turnip soup." "What other kind of soup are you going to make with turnips, son?" "Lobster bisque?" "Is there a market for turnip soup?" "Team Go Wurzel never really found out." "They ate all the soup themselves." "Can I get a rewind, you ate all of my soup?" "We are starving." " Anyway he ate the most of it." " I never." " Well you did, look you." " You're greedy!" " Ah!" " Oh!" " No-one's having it." "Let's hope team Whig did better." "We planted them." "Actually, Lord Sugar, I think it was Phil who planted them." "I'm a Georgian gent, I never get my hands dirty." "I'm more the ideas person." "Yeah, I'm the do the actual work person." " Why did you plant them?" " Well, I noticed that British farmers were using a three-year crop rotation cycle." "Two years of crops with one year crop-free." "As I understand it, Lord Sugar, it's to give the soil a chance to become fertile again." "But planting turnips restores nitrogen to the soil, so you can make the soil fertile again" "AND grow a crop at the same time." "I've implemented a new four-year crop rotation." "Oh, I now is it suddenly." "I think you'll find we implemented it, actually." "I have implemented a four-year crop rotation cycle where the field is never empty." "Does it work?" "Well, it has vastly increased the productivity." "Farmers can now produce a lot more food per field." "It's like a revolution in agriculture, Lord Sugar." "If I wanted your opinion, sunbeam, I'd have asked for it." "You might say it's an Agricultural Revolution." "That's very good that, Karen, I like that." "So was this your idea, Whiggy?" "Well, no." "Dutch farmers have been doing it for a while." "So you nicked it?" "I prefer the term "borrowed"." "Industrial espionage, well done." "So team Go Wurzel here took my turnips, made turnip soup out of them and then ate it, whereas team Whiggy here have taken my turnips and revolutionised the way farming is done in Britain." "Team Go Wurzel..." "You're fired." " Oh!" " OK, thank you." "Team Whiggy, I've got a treat for you, you're going away for a weekend in the country, where you will stay in a luxury mansion, go horse riding and sleep in a four poster bed." "You, you're sending me home?" "But I, I thought we won." "For his hugely important contribution to the Agricultural Revolution, the Second Viscount Townshend was given a new title." "He was known ever more as Turnip Townshend." "Ha-ha-ha!" "Unlucky turnip!" "And the Georgian Agricultural Revolution led in turn to an Industrial Revolution, which not everybody was happy about." "# We were weavers highly skilled" "# Till things were mechanised" "# Craft and artisanship killed" "# A threat to all our lives" "# Machines meant the workforce shrunk" "# You think you'd see us settle?" "# When bosses said "Let's junk each punk" "# "And replace you with heavy metal!"" "# The workingman was sacrificed" "# Luddite!" "Luddite!" "Luddite!" "Luddite!" "Luddites!" "# Turned us into Anar-chistes!" "# Industrial Revolution" "# Our old life overthrown" "# So we came up with a solution" "# A revolution of our own" "# Met in the hills and planned to smash" "# Their weaving machines of gloom" "# Hear that sweet music as we bash" "# A wop bop a loom, ahh!" "# A wop bam boom!" "# Industrial weaving it's a stitch-up!" "Luddite!" "Luddite!" "Luddite!" "Luddite!" "Luddites!" "# Break the device and smash my switch up!" "# We named our movement after Ned Ludd" "# A folk hero who myth proclaimed" "# Once reacted in a fit of rage" "# By smashing up some knitting frames" "# So we formed the new Luddite Army" "# Started to riot!" "# It all went barmy!" "# Laws were passed to shake our will" "# Sent soldiers armed with guns" "# And though we tried to break things still" "# We fought the law" "# But the law won" "# Trial and punishments were seen" "# It's clear we'd lost the fight" "# But thanks to us rage against the machine" "# Now carries the name Ludd-ite!" "Luddite!" "Luddite!" "Luddite!" "Luddite!" "Luddites!" "# This band's struggle carries on" "Luddite!" "Luddite!" "Luddite!" "Luddite!" "Luddites!" "# Won't rest till machines are all gone!" "#" "Solo!" "On, on what exactly?" "We ancient Greeks believe that certain birds carried messages from the gods." "Lysander, look yonder, a dove this way flies." "A bird of such beauty." "Truly the radiant dove is a worthy messenger for the goddess of beauty herself." "Aphrodite." "It takes her messages from heaven and brings them to us, mere mortals on Earth." "Behold, I think it's heading for this very tree." "Tell us Aphrodite's bidding, oh, white winged one." "A blessing." "It's easy for you to say, you haven't got poo on your shoulder." "No, think, Lysander, the gods themselves have chosen you to receive this divine message." "It's brown message." "My toga's ruined." "Consider, Lysander, perhaps this bird brings tidings of great joy of a future love, perhaps you have been singled out for greatness." "Or perhaps the gods want us to stop standing under trees full of doves." "Yeah, it could be that." "Maybe the gods want us to stand over there." "Maybe they do, yeah." "That's right, the ancient Greeks believed that different birds carried messages for different gods." "Aphrodite had doves and swans, Zeus had eagles, and Aries had owls and vultures." "A chicken brought me a message once." "It said, "Eat me."" "Must have been from the god of food." "Ha-ha-ha!" "And humans had some unusual ways of transporting messages as well." "Hi!" "I'm a shouty man!" "And I'm here to tell you about..." "Do you have trouble keeping your secret messages secret?" "Shhh." "Sorry, do you have trouble keeping your secret messages secret?" "Then you need..." "The perfect way to arrange a rebellion without alerting your enemies." "Simply shave the head of your most trusted slave and tattoo your secret message directly onto his skull." "Please arrange a rebellion." " Ow." " Spelt rebellion wrong." "Cross it out." "Ow." "Then simply wait for the slave's hair to grow back and voila, bingo, bango, your message is completely hidden from prying eyes." "And ancient Greek tattoo messenger comes with its own easy-to-hear instructions." "Pst, shave off my hair and you'll find a secret message tattooed on my head." "I shall act on this secret message at once." " Although he has spelt Persians incorrectly." " Ow!" "So try new ancient Greek tattoo messenger today, the ancient messaging system that's both hair today, but not gone tomorrow." "Or something, all right?" "Warning!" "Slaves with pre-existing baldness are not suitable." "Oh, thank you so much for seeing me, I've got really bad toothache and my normal dentist couldn't fit me in." "Oh, that's all right, we've always got plenty of appointments here at the historical dentist." "Even if the patients do survive, they tend not to come back." "Historical dentist?" "Yes." "Mr Tudor will be seeing you today." "Arh." "Hello, I'm so sorry to keep you waiting," "I've just been boiling a few frogs." "Don't need to tell you how important they are to modern Tudor dentistry." "Actually, I think you do." "Tell me, how do you clean your teeth?" "Well, I use an electric toothbrush." "Ridiculous, no wonder you've got problems with your teeth." "You need to be using a Tudor toothbrush." "It's a twig with a rag on the end, you rub it on your teeth with a paste made from rose water, lavender and cuttlefish." "Still, it's too late for you, the pain has already started." "Erm, Mandy do we have any poo?" "Freshly made this morning." "Wonderful." "Where did it come from?" "I'd rather not say." "Oh, right." "Yes, of course, sorry." "We'll mix that with some honey, and we'll see if that does any good." "You're not going to put that poo in my mouth?" "Don't be ridiculous, in order for it to be effective it must be your own poo." " I don't suppose you want..." " No chance, mate." "Right, OK." "Well, frogs it is." "Good job I mixed this up earlier, isn't it?" "So let's take a dollop of this," "I'll apply it to the affected tooth and it should drop straight out." "Open up." "Erm, I'm not putting that in my mouth either." "This is cutting-edge Tudor dentistry." "Of course, if I get any on the good teeth they could fall out also, but, huh, you can't have anything, er, I mean everything." "Can't you just do a filling or something?" "Look, I understand your nervousness, why don't I remove one of Mandy's teeth first just to prove that it's not going to hurt?" "That's fine by me." "This is crazy." "No." "No, this is what the Bishop of London did for Queen Elizabeth." "She was worried that having a tooth out would hurt, so the Bishop had a healthy one of his own removed to show it wouldn't." "Come on, Mr Tudor, whip it out." "I'm sorry, I'll live with the pain, you people are nuts." "Oh!" "While I'm in the chair, I do have some pain in one of my teeth." "Well, luckily, we've got just the thing." "I know!" "And being a dentist wasn't even the most unusual job in Tudor times." "Hello and welcome once again to Behind the Throne, where this week we've been granted unprecedented access to the most important aid in King Henry's entire household." "Sir Thomas Heneage, the so called groom of the stool." " Hello, Sir Thomas." " Hello, Jilly." "And of course a, er, a very special hello to you, your majesty." "Looking lovely as ever, Jilly." "So, tell me, Sir Thomas, what does being groom of the stool actually entail?" "Well, basically, Jilly, it just means I'm his personal assistant." "I help to dress him, er..." "All done, sire." "Excellent, now if you'll excuse me," "I've got to go to the little boy's room and powder my nose." "Very good, your majesty." "Yes, so basically, I look after his clothes," " like this beautiful jacket here, oh." " Oh, yes, that's beautiful." " Yes, it's lovely, there we go." " What on earth are you doing?" "It's been worn three times, Jilly, it must be destroyed by fire." " Right." " Then there's accompanying him on his travels and wiping his bottom." "Well, that'll..." "Sorry, what?" "Ready when you are, Tommy." "Coming, your majesty." "Sorry, when you say wiping his bottom, you don't actually mean that you..." "Oh!" "There you are, your majesty, all polished." "Arh, splendid." "And then afterwards, Jilly, I like to analyse it." "So you, er, you wipe his bottom and then you look at his poo?" "Oh, it's a very important job, Jilly, just to check that he's in a good state of health." "Let's have a look, mm, good size, good consistency." "Sorry, Tommy, I've got another one brewing, I think." "And then just to double check he's in good health..." "Um hm." "I like to inhale the exhalation of the royal posterior." "So the exhalation..." "PRRRT!" "Oh!" "Anything bad in that one?" "The breath of an angel." " What do you think, Jilly, are you getting this?" " Arh." "Arh." "Oh, what does she know, she's not a professional." "Wiping time again, Tommy." "Of course, your majesty." "# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts. #" "If you enjoyed that, why not come and play." "Go to the CBBC Website and click on Horrible Histories." "See you there!" "# The past is no longer a mystery" "# Hope you enjoyed" "# Horrible Histories. #"