"Hey!" "There he is!" "Where's he gone?" " Stop!" " You won't get away, sir!" "Time to pay your debts!" " Did you hear what I was playing?" " I didn't think it polite to listen, sir." "I'm sorry for that, for your sake." "I don't play accurately." "Anyone can play accurately." "But I play with wonderful expression." " Yes, sir." " Bills!" "All I ever get is bills!" "And the matter of my unpaid wages, sir." "My brother Ernest's wastrel habits tear me from my duties." " Yes, sir." " A nuisance, but nothing to be done." " I shall return Monday afternoon." " Yes, sir." "Pay particular attention to her German grammar." "Yes, Mr Worthing." " Did you find my cigarette case?" " We're still looking, sir." "Excuse me, lovey." "Ernest." "Algy!" "What brings you up to town?" "Pleasure." "What else should bring one anywhere?" " Where have you been?" " In the country." "What on earth do you do there?" "In town, one amuses oneself." "In the country, one amuses other people." " It is excessively boring." " Who do you amuse?" "Neighbours." " Nice neighbours in Shropshire?" " Horrid." "Never speak to them." "How immensely you must amuse them." "Shropshire is your county, is it not?" " Shropshire." " Shropshire?" "Oh, yes, of course." "What plans have you for tea tomorrow?" "You know that Aunt Augusta is coming to tea tomorrow." "Aunt Augusta and Gwendolen." "How perfectly delightful." "Perhaps I might pay my respects." "Aunt Augusta won't approve of your being there." "Why?" "The way you flirt with Gwendolen is disgraceful." " As bad as the way she flirts with you." " I love Gwendolen." "I have come to town to propose." "I thought you'd come for pleasure." "I call that business." " How unromantic you are." " What is romantic about proposing?" "One may be accepted, one usually is, and then the excitement is over." "The very essence of romance is uncertainty." "Vingt-cinq noir. 25 black." "Anyway, I can't see you and Gwendolen being married." " Why on earth do you say that?" " I don't give my consent." "Gwendolen is my cousin." "Before I allow you to marry her, you shall have to clear up this whole question of Cecily." "Cecily?" "What on earth do you mean?" "I don't know anyone called Cecily." "You have had my cigarette case all this time?" "I've been writing frantic letters to Scotland Yard about it." " I nearly offered a large reward." " I wish you had." "I'm more than usually hard-up." "I see now it isn't yours after all." " Of course it's mine!" " Not according to the inscription." "You have no right to read what is written inside a private cigarette case." "This isn't yours." "It's a present from someone of the name of Cecily." "You said you didn't know anyone of that name." "Well, if you want to know, Cecily happens to be my aunt." " Your aunt?" " Charming old lady." "Give it back." "But why does your aunt call you her uncle?" ""From little Cecily, with her fondest love, to her dear Uncle Jack."" "There is no objection to an aunt being small, but why an aunt, whatever her size, should call her nephew her uncle," "I can't make out." " Your name isn't Jack, it's Ernest." " It isn't Ernest, it's Jack." "You've always told me it was Ernest." "It is absurd your saying your name isn't Ernest." "It's on your cards." ""Mr Ernest Worthing, B4, The Albany."" "It is Ernest in town, Jack in the country." "The cigarette case was given to me in the country." "I've pretended to have a younger brother." "Of the name of Ernest." "And little Cecily?" "My ward, Miss Cecily Cardew." " Where is your country place?" " That is nothing to you." "You are certainly not going to be invited." "Candidly, the place is not in Shropshire." "I suspected that, just as I suspected you to be a Bunburyist." "Indeed, you are one of the most advanced Bunburyists I know." "See you at five." "A quick word, sir!" "Bunburyist?" "Cecily, your German grammar is on the table." "Pray, open it at page 15." "We will repeat yesterday's lesson." "But I don't like German." "It isn't at all a becoming language." "I know I look quite plain after my German lesson." "You know how anxious your guardian is that you should improve yourself." "Dear Uncle Jack is so very serious." "Sometimes I think he is so serious, he cannot be quite well." "I am surprised at you." "Mr Worthing has many troubles in his life." "You must remember his constant anxiety about that unfortunate young man." "His brother." "I wish Uncle Jack would allow that unfortunate man to come here." " We might have a good influence." " I would not desire to reclaim him." "I'm not in favour of this modern mania for turning bad people into good people." "Cecily?" "To your work, child." "Bunburyist." "What on earth do you mean?" "You have invented a very useful younger brother called Ernest in order that you may be able to come up to town." "I have invented an invaluable permanent invalid called Bunbury in order that I may go down to the country as often as I choose." "But for Bunbury's bad health, I couldn't dine with you tonight," "I have an appointment with Aunt Augusta." " I haven't asked you to dine with me." " You are careless about inviting me." "Don't touch the cucumber sandwiches." "They are specially for Aunt Augusta." " You've been eating them all the time." " Quite different." "She's my aunt." "That must be her." "Only relatives or creditors ring in that Wagnerian manner." "Now, if I get her out of the way for 10 minutes so you have an opportunity for proposing to Gwendolen, may I dine with you at the Savoy tonight?" "Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax." "Good afternoon, dear Algy." "I hope you are behaving very well." " I'm feeling very well." " That's not quite the same thing." " The two things rarely go together." " Lady Bracknell..." " Goodness, you are smart." " I'm always smart." "Am I not?" " You are quite perfect, Miss Fairfax." " I hope not." "It would leave no room for development." "I intend to develop in many directions." "Sorry if we're a little late, Algy." "I had to call on Lady Harbury." "I have not been there since her husband's death." "I never saw a woman so altered." "She looks quite 20 years younger." "I'll have a cup of tea and a nice cucumber sandwich." "Certainly, Aunt Augusta." " Sit here, Gwendolen." " I'm quite comfortable where I am." "Why are there no cucumber sandwiches?" "There were no cucumbers in the market." "I went down twice." " No cucumbers?" " Not even for ready money." " That will do, Lane." " Thank you, sir." "I am distressed about there being no cucumbers." "Not even for ready money." "It makes no matter." "I had some crumpets with Lady Harbury." "I have a treat for you tonight." "I'm going to send you down with Mary Farquhar..." "I have to give up the pleasure of dining with you tonight." "I hope not." "It would put my table completely out." "It is a great bore and a terrible disappointment." "I've had a telegram to say Bunbury is ill again." "They seem to think I should be with him." "Very strange." "This Mr Bunbury seems to suffer from curiously bad health." "Yes, poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid." "It is high time Mr Bunbury made up his mind whether to live or die." "This shilly-shallying is absurd." "I'd be obliged if you'd ask Mr Bunbury not to have a relapse next Saturday." "It is my last reception and I rely on you to arrange my music for me." "I'll speak to Bunbury..." "if he's still conscious." "If you'll follow me into the next room, I'll run over the musical programme." "Thank you." "It is very thoughtful of you." " Gwendolen, you will accompany me." " Certainly, Mama." "Charming day it has been." "Pray, don't talk to me about the weather." "Whenever people talk about the weather, I feel certain they mean something else." "I do mean something else." "I wish to take advantage of Lady Bracknell's absence..." "I would advise you to do so." "Mama has a way of coming back suddenly into a room." "Miss Fairfax, ever since I met you," "I have admired you more than any girl I've ever met since..." "I met you." "Yes, I'm quite aware of the fact." "I often wish that, in public at any rate, you'd been more demonstrative." "For me, you have always had an irresistible fascination." "Even before I met you, I was far from indifferent to you." "We live, as I hope you know, Mr Worthing, in an age of ideals." "And my ideal has always been to love someone of the name of Ernest." "There's something in that name that inspires confidence." "The moment Algy mentioned to me that he had a friend called Ernest," "I knew I was destined to love you." " You really love me?" " Passionately!" "Darling, you don't know how happy you've made me!" "My own Ernest!" "You don't mean to say you couldn't love me if my name wasn't Ernest?" "But your name is Ernest." "Yes, I know it is, but supposing it was something else?" "Well, that is clearly a metaphysical speculation and like most metaphysical speculation has very little reference at all to the actual facts of real life as we know them." "Personally, darling, to speak quite candidly," "I don't care about the name Ernest." "I don't think it suits me." "It suits you perfectly!" "It is a divine name!" "It has a music of its own!" "It produces vibrations!" "Really, I must say, I think there are lots of much nicer names." "I think Jack, for instance, a charming name." "Jack?" "I've known several Jacks and they all are more than usually plain." "The only really safe name is Ernest." "We must get married at once." "Married, Mr Worthing?" "Surely you know that I love you and you led me to believe, Miss Fairfax, that you were not absolutely indifferent to me." "I adore you." "But you haven't proposed to me yet." "Nothing has been said about marriage." "The subject has not been touched on." " Gwendolen..." " Yes?" "What have you to say to me?" " You know what I have to say to you." " Yes, but you don't say it." "Gwendolen, will you marry me?" "Mr Worthing!" "Rise from this semi-recumbent posture." "It is most indecorous." "I must beg you to retire." "He has not quite finished." "Finished what, may I ask?" " I am engaged to Mr Worthing." " You are not engaged to anyone." "When you become engaged, I or your father, should his health permit him, will inform you of the fact." " You will wait for me in the carriage." " Mama..." "In the carriage, Gwendolen." "Gwendolen, the carriage!" "I feel bound to tell you, you are not on my list of eligible men." "However, I am quite ready to enter your name as a possible candidate." "Perhaps you would attend a meeting at eleven tomorrow morning." "I shall have a few questions to put to you." "Algernon." "So did you tell Gwendolen the truth about being Ernest in town and Jack in the country?" "The truth isn't the sort of thing one tells to a nice, refined girl." "What extraordinary ideas you have." "One makes love to a pretty woman and to someone else if she's plain." " You never talk anything but nonsense." " Well, nobody ever does." "You've forgotten to pay the bill." "Not at all." "I make it a point never to pay at the Savoy." "Why not?" "You have heaps of money." "Yes, but Ernest hasn't." "He's got quite a reputation to keep up." "Cecily?" "Your intellectual pleasures await you, my child." "You should put away your diary." "I don't see why you should keep a diary at all." "I keep a diary in order to enter the secrets of my life." "If I didn't write them down, I should forget them." "Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us." "I believe memory is responsible for nearly all the three-volume novels people write." "Do not speak slightingly of the three-volume novel, Cecily." " I wrote one myself in earlier days." " Did you really?" "I hope it did not end happily." "The good ended happily and the bad unhappily." "That is what fiction means." "To your work, child." "These speculations are profitless." "I see dear Dr Chasuble coming through the garden." "Dr Chasuble!" "This is indeed a pleasure." "How are we today?" "Miss Prism, you are, I trust, well?" "Miss Prism has been complaining of a headache." "It would do her good to stroll with you in the park." "I have not mentioned anything about a headache." "No, I know that, but I felt instinctively that you had a headache." "I was thinking about that when the rector came along." " I hope you are not inattentive." " I'm afraid I am." "Strange, were I fortunate enough to be Miss Prism's pupil," "I would hang upon her lips." "I spoke metaphorically." "My metaphor was drawn from...bees." "I shall see you both, no doubt, at evensong." "Good luck, sir." "Ernest!" "This way, sir." "You can take a seat, Mr Worthing." "Thank you, Lady Bracknell, I prefer standing." "Do you smoke?" "Yes, I must admit, I smoke." "I'm glad to hear it." "A man should have an occupation." "There are far too many idle men in London as it is." " How old are you?" " 35." "A very good age to be married at." "A man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing." "Which do you know?" " I know nothing, Lady Bracknell." " I am pleased to hear it." "I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance." "Ignorance is like a delicate, exotic fruit." "Touch it and the bloom is gone." "The theory of modern education is radically unsound." "Fortunately, in England, education produces no effect whatsoever." "If it did, it would prove a danger to the upper classes and probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor Square." " What is your income?" " 7 to 8,000 a year." " In land or in investments?" " In investments, chiefly." "That is satisfactory." "I have a country house with some land attached to it." "About 1,500 acres." "You have a town house?" "A girl with an unspoiled nature like Gwendolen could hardly be expected to reside in the country." " I also own a house in Belgrave Square." " Number." "149." "The unfashionable side." "I thought there was something." " However, that could easily be altered." " Do you mean the fashion or the side?" "Both, if necessary, I presume." "Are your parents living?" "I have lost both my parents." "To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune." "To lose both looks like carelessness." "Who was your father?" "Evidently a man of some wealth." "I'm afraid I really don't know." "The fact is, Lady Bracknell, I said I had lost my parents." "It would be nearer the truth to say that my parents seem to have lost me." "I don't know who I am by birth." "I was..." "Well, I was found." "Found?" "The late Mr Thomas Cardew, an old gentleman of a charitable disposition, found me and gave me the name of Worthing because he had a first-class ticket to Worthing." "Worthing is a place in Sussex." "It is a seaside resort." "Where did this charitable gentleman with the ticket for this seaside resort find you?" "In a handbag." "A handbag?" "Yes, Lady Bracknell, I was in a handbag." "A somewhat..." "large black..." "leather...handbag with handles to it." "An ordinary handbag, in fact." "In what locality did this Mr James or Thomas Cardew come across this ordinary handbag?" "The cloakroom at Victoria Station." "It was given him by mistake." " The cloakroom at Victoria Station?" " Yes." "The Brighton Line." "The line is immaterial." "I confess I am somewhat bewildered by what you have just told me." "To be born or bred in a handbag, whether it has handles or not, seems to me to display a contempt for the decencies of family life, which remind one of the worst excesses of the French Revolution." "I presume you know what that unfortunate movement led to." "What would you advise me to do?" "I would do anything to ensure Gwendolen's happiness." "I would advise you to try and acquire some relations as soon as possible and to make a definite effort to produce one parent of either sex before the season is over." "How can I possibly do that?" "I can produce the handbag!" "It's in my storeroom at home!" "I think that should satisfy you!" "Me, sir?" "What is it to do with me?" "You can hardly imagine that I and Lord Bracknell would allow our only daughter, a girl raised with the utmost care, to marry into a cloakroom and form an alliance with a parcel!" "Good morning, Mr Worthing." "Good morning." "You don't think Gwendolen could become like her mother in about 150 years?" "All women become like their mothers." "That is their tragedy." " No man does and that's his." " Is that clever?" "It's perfectly phrased, and as true as any observation in civilised life should be." " Ernest, my dear Ernest!" " Good heavens..." "Algy, I have something very particular to say to Mr Worthing." " My own darling!" " Ernest." "The story of your romantic origin, as told by Mama with unpleasing comments, has naturally stirred the deeper fibres of my nature." "I followed you here to reassure you that nothing she can do can alter my eternal devotion to you." "Dear Gwendolen." "Your town address at the Albany, I have." "What is your address in the country?" "The Manor Woolton..." "Hertfordshire." "I will communicate with you daily." "My own one." "Yes, I do smoke." "I know nothing, Lady Bracknell." "I can produce the handbag..." "Before you can be found in a handbag, someone must have lost you." "Do you see?" "With Lady Bracknell sniffing about, dear dissolute Ernest is a risk I can no longer afford." "Cecily is becoming too interested in him." "It's rather a bore." "I'd like to meet Cecily." "I shall take very good care you never do." "She is excessively pretty and only just 18." "I'll say he died in Paris of...apoplexy." "It's the sort of thing that runs in families." "Much better to say it was a severe chill." "Very well." "Poor brother Ernest is carried off suddenly in Paris by a severe chill." "That gets rid of him." "Have you told Gwendolen that you have an excessively pretty ward who is 18?" "One doesn't blurt these things out to people." "Cecily and Gwendolen are certain to become extremely great friends." "I bet you, half an hour after they've met, they'll be calling each other sister." "Women only do that when they've called each other a lot of other things first." "Don't let me disturb you." "I hope tomorrow will be a fine day." "It never is, sir." "You are a perfect pessimist." " I do my best to give satisfaction, sir." " Thank you." "You can put out my dress clothes, my smoking jacket, and even bring on the curling tongs." "Yes, sir." "Tomorrow, Lane," "I'm going Bunburying." "Yes, sir." "That must be it over there." "Ask Mr Ernest Worthing to come here." "You are my little cousin Cecily, I'm sure." "You are under some strange mistake." "I'm not little." "I am more than usually tall for my age." "But I am your cousin Cecily." "And you..." "You, I see from your card, are Uncle Jack's brother." "My cousin Ernest." " My wicked cousin Ernest." " I'm not wicked." "You mustn't think that." "If you are not, you've been deceiving us in a very inexcusable manner." " I have been rather reckless." " Glad to hear it." "Now you mention the subject, I have been very bad in my own small way." "You shouldn't be proud of it, though I am sure it was pleasant." " Much pleasanter being here with you." " I can't understand how you are here." " Uncle Jack won't be back till Monday." " What a disappointment." "I must go up by the first train on Monday." "I have a business appointment to miss." "You had better wait." "Uncle Jack wants to speak to you about your emigrating." " About my what?" " He's sending you to Australia." "Australia?" "I'd sooner die!" "He said you would have to choose between this world, the next world, and Australia." "Well, the accounts I've received of Australia and the next world are not particularly encouraging, cousin Cecily." " This one is good enough for me." " But are you good enough for it?" "I'm afraid not." "That is why I want you to reform me." "You might make that your mission." "I'm afraid I've no time this afternoon." "Would you mind me reforming myself this afternoon?" "It is rather quixotic of you, but I think you should try." "I will." "I feel better already." " You're looking rather worse." " That's because I'm hungry." " Mr Worthing!" " Worthing." "This is indeed a surprise." "We did not look for you till Monday afternoon." "I have returned sooner than I expected." "I trust this garb of woe does not betoken some terrible calamity." " My brother..." " More debts and extravagance?" "Still leading a life of pleasure." "Dead." "Your brother Ernest is dead?" "Quite dead." "What a lesson for him." "I trust he will profit by it." "He had many faults, but it is a sad, sad blow." "Yes, indeed, sad." "Were you with him at the end?" "No, he died abroad." "In Paris, in fact." "I had a telegram last night from the manager of the Grand Hotel." " Is the cause of death mentioned?" " A severe chill, it seems." "As a man sows, so shall he reap." "Charity, Miss Prism, charity." "I myself am peculiarly susceptible to..." "Bless you." "Uncle Jack, I'm so pleased to see you back." "What is the matter?" "You look as if you have toothache." "I have a surprise for you." "Who do you think is in the rose garden?" " Your brother." " Who?" "Your brother Ernest." "He arrived half an hour ago." "Nonsense!" "I haven't got a brother!" "I mean..." "He'll be so pleased to see you've returned so soon." "These are joyful tidings." "Good heavens." "Brother John," "I've come from town to tell you that I'm sorry for all the trouble I've given you." "I fully intend to lead a better life in the future." "What can I say?" "The old Ernest is dead, long live the new Ernest!" " I thought you'd like my little joke." " Joke?" "Knowing me as you do, I'm surprised you took it so seriously." "I stand before you now an entirely new man, risen, as it were, like a phoenix from the ashes." "Jack, you're not going to refuse your own brother's hand?" "Nothing would induce me." "His behaviour is utterly disgraceful and he knows why." "Do shake his hand, Uncle Jack." "After all, it could be worse." "I could be dead in Paris..." " You could indeed." " ...of a severe chill." "Excuse me, sir." "We are putting Mr Ernest's things in the blue room." "When is confession?" "Mr Ernest's luggage, sir." "We're taking it up to the blue room." " His luggage?" " Yes, sir." "Two portmanteaus, two dressing cases, two hat boxes and a luncheon basket." "I'm afraid I can only stay a week this time." "You scoundrel, Algy!" "What have you to say for yourself?" "What I have to say, Jack, is that little Cecily is a darling." "You are not to talk of Miss Cardew like that." "I don't like it!" "Your vanity is ridiculous, your conduct an outrage, and your presence in my house utterly absurd!" "You can catch the 4.05 train." "Have a pleasant journey." "This Bunburying, as you call it, has not been a great success for you." "It's pleasant, is it not, to see so perfect a reconciliation?" "I think it's been a great success." "Dinner is served." "Cecily." "Might I have a buttonhole?" "I never have an appetite unless I have a buttonhole." "Mr Worthing." " A Marechal Niel?" " No." "I'd sooner have a pink rose." "Why?" "Because you are like a pink rose." "It can't be right to talk to me like that." "Miss Prism never says such things." "Miss Prism is a short-sighted old lady." "You're the prettiest girl I ever saw." "There is some good in everyone." "Ernest has just been telling me about his poor invalid friend whom he visits." "Poor Mr Bunbury?" "There must be much good in one who leaves the pleasures of London to sit by a bed of pain." " Good morning, sir." " Good morning." ""Dear Ernest,"" ""how desperately I have missed you."" ""It seems an age since I last saw you"" ""and our separation is now proving an intolerable strain."" ""The feelings you have aroused within me"" ""are at once delightful and...exquisitely...painful."" ""My dearest, darling Ernest,"" ""it is your very name that inspires me now"" "''to take my future in my hands, burnt, as it were, into my very being."" ""And so it is I have resolved to flee these prison walls"" ""and make my way directly to your side, to my one and only..."" " "..." "Ernest!"" " Ernest!" "Ernest!" "Algy!" "Algy!" "Ernest." "Good morning, my dear fellow." " We have to talk." "You have to leave." " Then how can we talk?" " We cannot both be called Ernest." " We aren't, brother Jack." "I hope, Cecily, I shall not offend you if I state quite openly and frankly" "that you seem to be, in every way, the visible personification of absolute perfection." "I think your frankness does you great credit, Ernest." "I will copy your remarks into my diary." "You keep a diary?" "May I see it?" "No." "It is simply a young girl's record of her own thoughts and impressions." "But I delight in taking down from dictation." "You can go on." "Don't cough." "When one is dictating, one should speak fluently and not cough." "Cecily, ever since I first looked upon your wondrous and incomparable beauty," "I have dared to love you - wildly..." "Wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly..." "I beg your pardon, sir." "There are two gentlemen wishing to see you." " Mr Ernest Worthing?" "B4, The Albany?" " Yes, that is my address." "Very sorry, sir, but I have a writ against you at the suit of the Savoy Hotel Company Limited for 762 pounds, 14 shillings." "I never dine at the Savoy at my own expense." "We have no option but to take out an order for committal of your person." " Committal of my person?" " For six months." " Six months?" " You'll prefer to pay the bill." "How on earth can I do that?" "No gentleman ever has any money." "In my experience, it is usually relations who pay." "Quite right." "Brother Jack?" "762 pounds 14 shillings and tuppence since last October." "I'm bound to say I never saw such reckless extravagance in all my life." "My dear fellow, you have your debts and I have mine." "This bill is yours." " Mine?" " Yes, and you know it!" " If this is a jest, it is out of place." " It is not!" "Gross effrontery!" "Just what I expected!" "And it is ingratitude." "I didn't expect that." "Next, he'll be denying he's Ernest Worthing in the first place." "Sorry to have disturbed so pleasant a family meeting, but time presses." "We have to be at Holloway not later than 4 o'clock or one cannot obtain admission." "Holloway?" "Get off me!" "It is at Holloway that detentions are made." "I will not be imprisoned in the suburbs for having dined in the West End!" "Jack!" "I agree to settle my brother's accounts on the condition that he makes his way to the bedside of the bedridden Bunbury, whose health, I have been informed, is rapidly declining." "Well..." "Ernest?" "Mr Worthing, I would ask you not to interrupt Miss Cardew's studies." "Miss Prism, Dr Chasuble is expecting you in the vestry." "In the vestry?" "Dr Chasuble?" "Expecting you, yes." "That sounds serious." "I do not think it would be right to keep him waiting." "It would be very wrong." "The vestry is, I am told, excessively damp." "This parting is very painful." "You cannot desert Mr Bunbury in his hour of need." "I don't care about Bunbury any more." "I don't seem to care about anything." "I only care for you." "I love you, Cecily." "Will you marry me, Cecily?" "Of course." "Why, we have been engaged for the last three months." " For the last three months?" " Exactly three months on Thursday." "Darling!" "So when was the engagement actually settled?" "On the 14th February last." "After a long struggle with myself, I accepted you under this tree." "This is the box in which I keep your letters." "Letters?" "But I have never written you any letters." "You need hardly remind me." "I was forced to write your letters for you." "I wrote always three times a week." " Do let me look." " No, I couldn't possibly." "They would make you far too conceited." "The three you wrote after I broke it off are so beautiful and so badly spelled." "I can hardly read them without crying." " Was our engagement broken off?" " Yes." "On the 22nd of last March." "You can see the entry if you like." ""I broke off my engagement with Ernest."" " "The weather continues charming."" " What had I done?" "Nothing at all!" "I am hurt you broke it off, particularly when the weather was so charming." "It'd hardly be a serious engagement if I hadn't broken it off at least once." "But I forgave you before the week was out." "You're a perfect angel." "You dear romantic boy." "I never really thought of myself as the marrying kind until now." "You mustn't break it off again." "I don't think I could break it off now that I've actually met you." "Besides, there is the question of your name." "Yes, of course." "It's always been a girlish dream of mine to love someone named Ernest." "There's something in that name that seems to inspire confidence." "Do you mean you couldn't love me if I had another name?" "But what name?" "Algy, for instance." "I might respect you, Ernest, I might admire your character, but I fear that I would never be able to give you my undivided attention." "The dog cart is ready for you, sir." "And now you must go, my love, for sooner then shall you return." "What a charming boy." "I like his hair so much." "You wanted to see me, Dr Chasuble?" "I didn't." "You didn't?" "I'm sorry, but merely for the purposes of clarification, when you said you didn't, did you mean you didn't say you wanted to see me or you didn't, in fact, want to see me?" "Isn't language a curious thing?" "Will you excuse me?" "I have a double baptism and I have to top up the font." "Bless you." "A Miss Fairfax has called to see Mr Worthing." "On very important business, Miss Fairfax states." "He is sure to be out soon." "Kindly bring some tea." "Yes, Miss." " Miss Cardew." " Thank you." "Miss Fairfax, let me introduce myself." "My name is Cecily Cardew." "Cecily Cardew." "What a very sweet name." "Something tells me we're going to be great friends." "I like you already." "My first impressions are never wrong." " You are here on a short visit?" " No, I live here." "Your mother or some female relative of advanced years resides here also?" "I have no mother nor any relations." "My guardian has the task of looking after me." " Your guardian?" " Yes, I'm Mr Worthing's ward." "Strange, he never mentioned it." "How secretive of him." "He grows more interesting hourly." "But I am bound to state that now that I know you are Mr Worthing's ward," "I cannot help expressing a wish that you were, well, a little older than you seem to be and not so alluring in appearance." "In fact, if I may speak candidly..." "I think, whenever one has anything unpleasant to say, one should be candid." "To speak with perfect candour, Cecily," "I wish you were fully 42 and more than usually plain for your age." "Ernest has a strong, upright nature." "He's the soul of truth and honour." "I think Jack, for instance." "Jack." "Jack, for instance, a charming name." "It is not Mr Ernest Worthing who is my guardian." "It is his brother, his elder brother." "That accounts for it." "You've lifted a load from my mind." "I was growing anxious." "You're quite sure it's not Mr Ernest Worthing who is your guardian?" "Quite sure." "In fact..." "I am going to be his." " I beg your pardon?" " Mr Ernest Worthing and I are engaged." "My darling Cecily, I think there must be some slight error." "Mr Ernest Worthing is engaged to me." "The announcement will appear in "The Morning Post" on Saturday." "You must be under some misconception." "Ernest proposed to me 10 minutes ago." "Very curious." "For he asked me to be his wife yesterday afternoon at 5.30." "If you would care to verify the incident, pray do so." "I never travel without my diary so I have something sensational to read." "I'm so sorry, dear Cecily, but I'm afraid I have the prior claim." "May I offer you some tea, Miss Fairfax?" "Thank you, Miss Cardew." "Sugar?" "No, thank you." "Sugar is not fashionable any more." " Cake or bread and butter?" " Bread and butter, please." "Cake is rarely seen in the best houses nowadays." "From the moment I saw you, I felt you were false and deceitful." "It seems to me that I am trespassing on your valuable time." "No doubt you have other calls of a similar character to make." "Ernest!" " You're back so soon." " My own love." "May I ask, are you engaged to be married to this young lady?" "What young lady?" " Good heavens, Gwendolen!" " Yes, to good heavens Gwendolen." "No." "What put such an idea into your pretty little head?" " Thank you." "You may." " I thought there must be some error." "The gentleman who is embracing you is my cousin, Mr Algernon Moncrieff." "Algernon..." "Moncrieff?" " Yes." " Algy!" "Here is Ernest." " My own Ernest!" " Gwendolen, my darling!" "I knew there must be some misunderstanding." "The gentleman whose arm is round your waist is my guardian, Mr John Worthing." " I beg your pardon?" " This is Uncle Jack." "Jack?" " Are you called Algy?" " I cannot deny it." "Is your name really John?" "I could deny it if I liked, but it certainly is John." " It has been for years." " We have been grossly deceived." " My poor wounded Cecily." " My sweet, wronged Gwendolen." " You will call me sister, will you not?" " Of course." "Let us go into the house." "They won't venture to come after us." "No." "Men are so cowardly, aren't they?" "How you can calmly eat muffins, I can't make out." "You seem to be perfectly heartless." "I can hardly eat muffins in an agitated manner, can I?" " Butter would probably get on my cuffs." " It's heartless your eating muffins at all!" "When I'm in trouble, eating is my only consolation." "When I'm in really great trouble, I refuse everything except food and drink." "At present, I am eating muffins because I am unhappy." "Besides, I'm particularly fond of muffins." "There's no reason why you should eat them all in that greedy way." "Would you like some teacake?" "I don't like teacake." "A man may eat his own muffins in his own garden!" "They seem to be eating muffins." "You said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins!" "I said it was perfectly heartless of you." "That is a very different thing." "Maybe, but the muffins are the same!" "I certainly don't rate your chances with my ward, Algernon!" "There isn't much likelihood of you and Miss Fairfax being united, Jackety Jack!" "But is there any particular infant in whom you are interested?" "The fact is, Doctor, I would like to be christened myself." "This afternoon, if you have nothing better to do." "Surely, Mr Worthing, you've been christened already?" "I don't remember anything about it." "I don't know if the thing would bother you or if you think that I'm a little too old now." "No, no." "Not at all, not at all." "The sprinkling, and indeed immersion, of adults is a perfectly canonical practice." "When would you wish the ceremony to be performed?" "At about six if that would suit you." " Perfectly, perfectly." " Thank you." " We cannot both be christened Ernest." " I have a right to be christened if I like." " You've been christened already!" " Not for years!" " But you have been christened." " I know my constitution can stand it." "If you've never been christened, it's dangerous your venturing on it now." "That is nonsense." "You're always talking nonsense." " Let us preserve a dignified silence." " Certainly." "It's the only thing to do now." "The western wind is blowing fair Across the dark Aegean Sea" "And at the secret marble stair" "My Tyrian galley waits for thee" "Come down!" "The purple sail is spread" "The watchman sleeps within the town" "This dignified silence produces an unpleasant effect." "Most distasteful." "Lady mine, come down" "Come down" "Lady, come down" "She will not come, I know her well" "Of lover's vows she hath no care" "A little good a man can tell" "Of one so cruel and so fair" "True love is but a woman's toy" "They never know the lover's pain" "And I who loved as loves a boy" "Must love in vain, must love in vain" "Come down" "Lady, come down" "Come down" "Lady, come down" " We will not be the first to speak." " Certainly not." "I have something to ask you." "Much depends on your reply." "Your common sense is invaluable." "Kindly answer me this question." "Why did you pretend to be my guardian's brother?" "In order that I might meet you." " That seems a satisfactory explanation." " Yes, dear, if you can believe him." "I don't, but that doesn't affect the beauty of his answer." "True." "In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing." "What explanation can you offer me for pretending to have a brother?" "Was it in order that you might come up to town to see me as often as possible?" "Can you doubt it, Miss Fairfax?" "I have the gravest doubts on the subject, but I intend to crush them." "Their explanations appear to be quite satisfactory." "Mr Worthing's seems to have the stamp of truth upon it." "I am content with what Mr Moncrieff said." "His voice alone seemed to inspire absolute credulity." " Do you think we should forgive them?" " Yes...." " I mean, no." " There are principles at stake that one cannot surrender!" "Your Christian names are still an insuperable barrier." "That is all." " Our Christian names?" " Is that all?" "We're going to be christened this afternoon." " You're prepared to do this terrible thing?" " I am." "You're ready to face this fearful ordeal?" "On questions of self-sacrifice, men are infinitely beyond us!" " We are." " Darling!" " Lady Bracknell." " Gwendolen!" "What does this mean?" "Merely that I am engaged to be married to Mr Worthing, Mama." "Come here." "Sit down." "Sit down immediately!" "All communication between yourself and my daughter must cease at once." "On this point, I am firm." " I'm engaged to Gwendolen." " You are nothing of the kind, sir." "And now, as regards Algy." " Algy..." " Yes, Aunt Augusta." "Is it here that your invalid friend Mr Bunbury resides?" "No, Bunbury doesn't live here." "Bunbury's somewhere else at present." "In fact..." "Bunbury is dead." " Dead?" " Dead." "When did he die?" "His death must have been sudden." "He died this afternoon." " What did he die of?" " Bunbury?" " He was quite exploded." " Exploded?" "Was he the victim of a revolutionary outrage?" "I was not aware he was interested in social legislation." "My dear Aunt Augusta, I mean he was found out." "The doctors found out that Bunbury could not live, so Bunbury died." "He had great confidence in the opinion of his physicians." "I'm glad he made up his mind to some definite course of action and acted under proper medical advice." "And now that we have finally got rid of this Mr Bunbury, may I ask, who is that young person who's hand Algernon is now holding in what seems to me to be a peculiarly unnecessary manner?" " She is Miss Cecily Cardew, my ward." " I am engaged to be married to Cecily." " I beg your pardon?" " Mr Moncrieff and I are engaged." "I do not know if there is anything peculiar about the air in this part of Hertfordshire, but the number of engagements seem to be considerably above the average that statistics have laid down for our guidance." "Is Miss Cardew connected with any of the larger railway stations in London?" "I merely desire information." "Until recently, I was not aware there were anyone whose origin was a terminus." "Gwendolen, the time approaches for our departure." "I'd better ask if Miss Cardew has any fortune." "About £130,000 in the funds, that is all." "Goodbye." "So pleased to have seen you." "A moment, Mr Worthing." "£130,000...and in the funds?" "Miss Cardew seems to me to be a most attractive young lady now I look at her." "Come over here, dear." "The chin a little higher dear." "Style largely depends on the way the chin is worn." "They are worn high at present." "Algy, there are distinct social possibilities in Miss Cardew's profile." "Cecily is the sweetest, dearest girl." "I don't give tuppence for her social possibilities." "Never speak disrespectfully of society." "Only people who can't get into it do that." "You know that Algy has nothing but his debts to depend upon." "I do not approve of mercenary marriages." "Indeed, when I married Lord Bracknell, I had no fortune of any kind." "But I never dreamed for a moment of allowing that to stand in my way." " I suppose I must give my consent." " Thank you, Aunt Augusta." "I beg your pardon for interrupting, but I am Miss Cardew's guardian." "She can't marry without my consent until she comes of age and I decline to give it." "Upon what grounds, may I ask?" "I suspect him of being untruthful." "Untruthful?" "My nephew Algy?" "I fear there can be no possible doubt about the matter." "During my temporary absence in London on an important question of romance, he obtained admission to my house by the pretence of being my brother." "He won over the affections of my ward, and his intentions were purely financial." "Deny it if you dare!" "He subsequently stayed to tea and devoured every single muffin." "What makes his behaviour even more heartless is that he was aware I have no brother and I don't intend to have a brother." " Please!" " Come here, sweet child." " How old are you, dear?" " 18, Aunt Augusta." "It will not be long before you are of age, free from the restraints of your guardian." "According to the terms of her grandfather's will, she does not come legally of age until she is 35." "That does not seem to be a grave objection." "35 is a very attractive age." "London society is full of women of the highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained 35 for years." " Could you wait for me till I was 35?" " You know I could." "I felt it instinctively, but I couldn't wait all that time." " What is to be done, Cecily?" " I don't know, Mr Moncrieff." "My dear Mr Worthing, as Miss Cardew states quite positively that she cannot wait until she is 35, a remark which, I am bound to say, shows a somewhat impatient nature," "I beg you to reconsider your decision." "My dear Lady Bracknell, the moment you consent to my marriage with Gwendolen, your nephew can form an alliance with my ward." "You must be aware that what you propose is out of the question." "Then a passionate celibacy is all any of us can look forward to." "Come, dear." "We've missed five, if not six trains." "To miss more might expose us to comment on the platform." "Everything is quite ready for the christenings." "The christenings, sir?" "Is not that somewhat premature?" "Both of these gentlemen have expressed a desire for immediate baptism." "At their age?" "The idea is grotesque and irreligious." "Algy, I forbid you to be baptised." "I will not hear of such excesses." " I'm sorry to interrupt, Dr Chasuble." " Yes, yes?" "Miss Prism has asked me to tell you she's waiting for you in the vestry." "She's been waiting for some time." "Miss Prism...in the vestry." "Waiting for you, yes." "Miss Prism?" " Did I hear you mention a Miss Prism?" " Yes, madam..." " Bless you." " Yes, I'm on my way to join her." "Is she a female of repellent aspect remotely connected with education?" "She is the most cultivated of ladies and the picture of respectability." "It is obviously the same person." "Take me to the vestry at once." "I've been expecting you, dear Doctor." "Prism!" "Prism." "Prism!" "Where is that baby?" "34 years ago, you left Lord Bracknell's house - 104 Upper Grosvenor Street - in charge of a perambulator that contained a baby of the male sex." "You never returned." "A few weeks later, through the elaborate investigations of the Metropolitan Police, the perambulator was discovered at midnight standing by itself in a remote corner of Bayswater." "It contained the manuscript of a three-volume novel of more than usually revolting sentimentality." "But the baby was not there." "Prism, where is that baby?" "Lady Bracknell, I admit with shame that I do not know." "The facts of the case are these." "On the morning of the day in question, a day for ever branded on my memory," "I prepared, as usual, to take the baby out in its perambulator." "I had also with me a somewhat old, but capacious handbag, in which I had intended to place a work of fiction that I had written during my few unoccupied hours." "In a moment of mental abstraction, for which I never can forgive myself," "I deposited the manuscript in the bassinet" "and placed the baby in the handbag." "Where did you deposit the handbag?" " Do not ask me, Mr Worthing." " This is a matter of importance to me." "I insist on knowing where you deposited the handbag that contained that infant." "I left it in the cloakroom of one of London's larger railway stations." " What railway station?" " Victoria." "The Brighton Line." "Uncle Jack seems strangely agitated." "Is this the handbag, Miss Prism?" "Examine it carefully before you speak." "The happiness of more than one life depends on your answer." "That is undoubtedly mine." "I am delighted to have it so unexpectedly restored to me." "It has been a great inconvenience being without it." "More is restored to you than this handbag." "I was the baby." "You?" " Mother!" " Mr Worthing, I am unmarried." "Unmarried?" "I cannot deny that is a serious blow." "But who has the right to cast a stone against one who has suffered?" "Cannot repentance wipe out an act of folly?" " I forgive you!" " No, Mr Worthing, there is some error." "There is the lady who can tell you who you really are." "Lady Bracknell, I hate to seem inquisitive, but would you inform me who I am?" "You are the son of my poor sister, Mrs Moncrieff, and, consequently, Algy's younger brother." "Algy's younger brother?" "So I have a brother, after all." "Yes." "I knew I had a brother!" "I always said I had a brother." "How could you ever have doubted I had a brother?" "Dr Chasuble, my unfortunate brother." "Miss Prism, my unfortunate brother." "Gwendolen, my unfortunate brother." "Lady Bracknell, my brother!" "Under these strange and unforeseen circumstances, Mr Moncrieff, you may kiss your Aunt Augusta." "Mr Moncrieff after all that has occurred and any inconvenience I may have caused you in your infancy, it is my duty to resign my position in this household." "That is absurd." "I won't hear of it." "Sir, it is my duty to leave." "I have really nothing more to teach dear Cecily." "In the very difficult accomplishment of getting married," "I fear my sweet and clever pupil has far outstripped her teacher." "A moment, Miss Prism." "Dr Chasuble." "I have come to the conclusion that the Primitive Church is in error on certain points on the question of matrimony." "Corrupt readings seem to have crept into the text." "In consequence I beg to solicit the honour of your hand." " Frederick!" " Laetitia!" " My dear Cecily!" " My dearest Algernon!" " My own Gwendolen." " My own..." "But wait, who are you?" "I mean, what is your Christian name now you have become someone else?" "I'd forgotten that point." "The question had better be cleared up at once." "At the time when Miss Prism left me in the handbag, had I been christened?" "I think you were christened after your father." "What was my father's Christian name?" "I cannot now recall what the General's name was." "I've no doubt he had one." "Can't you recollect what his name was?" "We were hardly on speaking terms." "He died when I was three." "His name would appear on the army lists." "The General was a man of peace, except in his domestic life." "But his name would appear on any military directory." "Army lists of the last 40 years are here." "They should've been my constant study." "Lieutenants...captains...colonels colonels....generals!" "M." "Maxbolm, Magley," "Markby, Migsby, Mobbs, Moncrieff!" "Lieutenant, 1860." "Christian names." "I always told you, Gwendolen, that my name was Ernest, didn't I?" "Well, it is Ernest, after all." "It naturally is Ernest." "My own Ernest, I felt from the first that you could have no other name." "My nephew you seem to be displaying signs of triviality." "On the contrary, Aunt Augusta," "I've realised for the first time the vital importance of being earnest." "The western wind is blowing fair" "Across the dark Aegean Sea" "And at the secret marble stair" "My Tyrian galley waits for thee" "Come down!" "The purple sail is spread" "The watchman sleeps within the town" "Leave thy lily-flowered bed" "O lady mine, come down" "Come down" "Lady, come down" "Come down" "Lady, come down" "O, lady, come down" "She will not come, I know her well" "Of lover's vows she hath no care" "A little good a man can tell" "Of one so cruel and so fair" "True love is but a woman's toy" "They never know the lover's pain" "And I who loved as loves a boy" "Must love in vain, must love in vain" "Come down" "Lady, come down" "Come down" "Lady, come down" "I think your high notes may have damaged our chances." " You're completely out of tune!" " How dare you!" " I'll take this bit." " Leave this to me!" " I'll take this bit." " I'm coming through!" " Go easy, my dear fellow." " Come down!" "Come down!" " Lady, come down" " Overdoing it." "Less is more." "Come down" "Lady, come down" "That wasn't so bad, was it?" "Maybe they're not going to come down." "Maybe we should go up." " Algy, you're always talking nonsense." " Well, it's better than listening to it." "Lady, come down" "Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?" "I didn't think it polite to listen, sir."