"This programme contains some strong language" "APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You." "I'm Martin Clunes." "In the news this week, as the BBC introduces a "bring your pet to work" day, one employee makes regular checks on Sammy the hamster." "NO AUDIO ON CLIP" "The head of BBC Drama brings in a new voice coach for the cast of Jamaica Inn." "WAILING" "HOWLING" "HOWLING" "And as Richard Branson prepares to start his Virgin Galactic service, rival engineers at Ryanair attempt to launch their first customer into space." "On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who's always got a pint in his hand and is known for his unhinged angry rants." "In fact, if he didn't love Benidorm so much, he could be Nigel Farage." "Please welcome Johnny Vegas." "APPLAUSE" "And with Paul tonight is a political correspondent who started out at the BBC with special responsibility for Breakfast." "She was the one who had to put the shredded wheat on Andrew Neil's head." "Please welcome Jo Coburn." "APPLAUSE" "And we start with the bigger stories of the week." "Paul and Jo, take a look at this." " Blimey." " Speak up!" "Yes, your ear trumpet, man." "Oh, yes, this is probably Cornwall." "This is the BBC show, Jamaica Inn, which I didn't see, but a lot of people didn't hear, apparently." "They had more complaints about this, the BBC," " than they've had about anything else for a very long time." " Yes." "So whether it was 1,500 people's TV sets that weren't working" " or it was technical problems." " Shall we have a little look?" "There's a bunch of petticoats here to see you." "Joss, we've gone to hell." "Salt and the twins have been busted." "Legassik caught them." "MUMBLING" "An ordinary man." "INDISTINCT SINGING" " Johnny." " There you go." "APPLAUSE" "That's the only job I got via a casting." "MUMBLES" "Do you mind working topless?" "MUMBLES" "To be fair, this was set in an era before sound recording was available." "But they did mumble all the way through it." "And the Beeb said at first it was a technical problem, then number two went out and I watched it and I couldn't hear any of it." "They said they turned it up for the second episode." "There's been some great letters in the paper." "Adrian Whitely had a pithy comment on the Jamaica Inn drama." "And Martin Davies, who is actually from Cornwall, had a completely different gripe altogether." " Surely it's Dominus Regit Me?" " Whatever." "What else has Cornwall been in the news for lately?" "It's gone independent." "Yes, a spokesman for the Cornish National Liberation Army said..." "HE MUMBLES" "Let's not forget how the Sun referred to CNLA as the..." "This is the BBC drama Jamaica Inn which many viewers complained was inaudible." "People of Cornwall have been officially recognised as a UK minority." " According to The Telegraph, the decision..." " HE STUMBLES ON WORD" " PAUL IMITATES:" "Decisssion!" "..." " Yes!" "According to the Telegraph, the decision means..." "HE STUMBLES AGAIN" "I'm going bad now!" "According to The Telegraph, the decision means..." "Which means they can now be shot with impunity by the Metropolitan police." "The fact that the Cornish language is now on a par with wealth..." "PAUL:" "Wealth!" "You have become Shakespearean!" "Shut yer face!" "I'll have a drink of water." "The fact that the Cornish lang..." "You make me feel really good about being me." "That's why I'm doing it!" "The fact that the Cornish language is now on a par with Welsh," "Irish and Scots was described as fantastic by Scornish nationals...!" "APPLAUSE" "That was a Freudian cock, slip." "The fact that the Cornish language is now on a par with Welsh, Irish and Scots was described as fantastic by Cornish nationalist leader Dick Cole." "That's a funny name in any language." "Ian and Johnny, here's another for you." "Oh, this is Farage, unveiling his new poster campaign." "It's going to be gloomy." "Floods." "And there's the average UKIP voter." "And news has arrived." "The Second World War has broken out." "There's some posters and they caused a lot of trouble." "One of the election leaflets had a girl in it saying," ""I'm an ordinary voter from Devon and I vote UKIP"" "and it turned out she worked for Farage as his assistant." "And she was paid." " There's one with a pointy finger, isn't there?" " We've got it here." "JO:" "Yes, immigrants are taking jobs from British workers." "Taking bogies from the end of British fingers." "Is it the lottery?" "There's someone going to vote UKIP, it could be you." "That did raise the question about Nigel Farage's German wife and whether or not a Brit could do her job of being his secretary." "To be honest, it's not a job a lot of British people would want." "We've got a clip with Nick Robinson, it's really good." "You try to turn everything into a joke." "You have a campaign that says that Europeans are taking British jobs." " Yes." " You employ a German woman to work in your office." "She happens to be your wife." "She happens to spend many hundreds of thousands of British taxpayers' money." "How do you justify that?" "No, she doesn't, she earns a very modest salary, for working extremely unsociable hours for me." "So why isn't she taking a British person's job?" "Because nobody else could do that job." "No British person could work for you as your secretary?" "Not unless I marry them." "You don't think anybody is capable of doing that job?" " What, marrying me?" " No, doing the job as your secretary." "I don't know anybody who would work those kind of hours." "So that's it, it's clear, UKIP do not believe that any British person is capable of being the secretary of their leader." "That's nonsense, and you know it." "That sounds like me trying to excuse the use of prostitutes." " Enlighten us." " Or don't." "The threat to some English people's jobs encourage some British people to work even harder and get versions like this of the poster up on Twitter." "JO:" "Which job would you rather do?" " Be Nigel Farage's secretary of the new manager of Manchester United?" " Me?" "Yeah." "LAUGHTER" "No-brainer, as they say." ""Dear Nigel..."" "How did the founder of the UKIP party, Dr Alan Sked, recently describe Nigel Farage?" "A drunken imbecile." "He was into his real ale, he was more of a ladies' man." "No, they described him as..." "LAUGHTER" " Hang on, I did have a backup answer." " Let's have it." "A prick!" "They described him as..." "Which is coincidentally the B-side of Young, Gifted And Black." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "How well is Neil Hamilton doing as UKIP's campaign manager?" " Well, he's not because he's been demoted." " Has he?" "They thought it was embarrassing Neil Hamilton, the disgraced former Tory MP who took the cash for questions" " in the Commons from Al-Fayed..." "Remember?" " Yes, I do." "I hate to bring up all that stuff again." "Apparently they thought it was slightly embarrassing for a party that is about to apparently sweep the country that its treasurer should be so obviously a bit bent." "In the past." "And..." "So he's not the campaign manager any more?" "According to a spokesman..." "And also, they realised he was a bit of a tosser." "In other European news what's just been launched in Portugal?" "A new grape!" "The Portuguese Navy unveiled its new state of the art surveillance drone at a naval base in Lisbon." "Let's see how that went." "This is UKIP's new poster campaign which is full of outrageous claims." "It emerged that a woman posing as a voter in UKIP's manifesto was a certain Lizzy Vaid, who is, in fact, the..." "Basically, she arranges the lock-ins and books the strippers." "LAUGHTER" "The UKIP founder gave an interview in which he described Mr Farage as..." "Adding, "You've got the job!"" "Neil Hamilton has been demoted as UKIP's campaign director." "Some UKIP members see him as..." "That's no way to talk about Christine." "Paul and Jo, take a look at this." " It's a bar." " It's a bar, definitely a bar." "There's a tough guy." "Oh, yes." "There's less fighting going on in Britain, although this clip would say otherwise, but of course that's the Wild West in 1943." "There's a happy doctor." "So yes, people are drinking less alcohol so there's less violence on a Saturday night is the story, I think." "It is." "People can't afford to get pissed I think, isn't it, these days." " Is that the technical term?" " Yes." "Anybody here drinking less?" "Put that down." "LAUGHTER" "Someone's put water in it!" " It could be that alcohol is more expensive." " Hmm." "That was one of the reasons." "They said deliberately making the price of, say, a six pack of cider, I gather, erm..." "LAUGHTER" "..more expensive puts people off." "And so the government was going to make minimum pricing, but they've changed their mind." "A lot of the big drinks companies took them out for a pint and they changed their mind completely." "But that could be it." "There are a lot of possibles, aren't there?" "I thought we might have adopted a more European approach to alcohol." "You know you go out and just savour it and just enjoy it?" "But the other night I genuinely saw a bloke arguing with his wife and he said, "That's why you can't keep a budgie in a round cage," ""you silly bitch." ""They need corners." And she said, "Well, what's wrong with parrots?"" "This is genuine." "And he went, "Parrots can talk, budgies need solace."" "And then he punched a wall." " There was another theory about lead poisoning." " Yes." " I like that one." "Apparently if you had or when you had lead in petrol it made people go in for the fisticuffs, like your example, more often." "Why are we still using pencils?" "They'd be hard to give up." "I've got a pen." "The hard stuff." "A study at the University of Cardiff found that..." "To two." "Now, have you heard of this American technological breakthrough that might help to bring the price of alcohol down and get everyone back punching each other properly?" "Powdered alcohol." "Or to give it its correct name..." "I shit you not." "Just mix with beer." "According to the manufacturer's website..." "And what do you think the people from the Civitas think tank think in their think tank?" "We need a bigger tank." "Why are we working in a tank?" "We're bright." " More booze." " Yeah." "Spokesman David Green told the Times..." "Twat." "And our leader David Cameron, he'd probably agree with that, do you think?" "What do you think?" "Why?" "Would he?" " He says we're a Christian country." " Yes." " And that shocked people." "No, cynics would say there's an election round the corner." "Let's break the Alastair Campbell diktat and do God." "Get those churchgoers who might convert to UKIP back in the Tory fold." "It's quite mean to suggest they're going to convert to UKIP." "I mean, they're not ENTIRELY gullible." "We are a Christian country, aren't we?" "Yeah, more or less, culturally, historically." "Look at all the people that couldn't give a shit about God" " sitting their with the kids." " Yeah." "Every Sunday trying to get them into a decent school." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Who wrote this about David Cameron's theolog..." "Sod it, I'll start this again." "Who wrote this about David Cameron's theologism?" "Theologis..." "Theologis..." "Beliefs." "Yeah." "Who wrote this about David Cameron's ideas?" "LAUGHTER" "And I quote..." "And the problem is?" " That's Alastair Campbell." " Yeah, it is." " Is it?" "Don't do God." "Just giving Satan's view for balance!" "Going back to alcohol-related violence, um..." "More fun." "Would you like to see a very drunk man behaving quite harmlessly?" " Yes." " Yes." " Here he is." "He's trying to get to the other side of the fence." "He can't get through it." "He can't get over it." "And a little boy comes back from the shops..." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "This is the drop in violent crime which has been attributed to a fall in binge drinking." "Also in the news this week, a new powdered alcohol called Palcohol." "According to the Times..." "Sadly too late for David Moyes." "AUDIENCE GROANS" "Also in the news this week," "David Cameron has declared Britain is a Christian country and reasserted his faith at an Easter reception for Christian leaders, leaving many in the congregation shaking their heads and asking," ""What's this got to do with bunnies and chocolate?"" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Ian and Johnny, here's another for you." "Ed Miliband." "Is he looking into a mirror?" "And that's his new spin doctor, David Axelrod." "He's an American they brought over." "He's an election guru, and he's being paid, apparently, a six-figure sum, because there's no English or British people who could get Miliband elected." "It's a highly specialist skill." "Apparently he's brilliant." "I mean, first black president ever" " Obama." "First..." "Ed Milibandy kind of guy to get in." "Er...he's going to get elected." "So it's very exciting, isn't it?" "Well, they're not alone, though, are they?" "It's the battle of the election gurus." "The Tories have already got the Australian guy, Lynton Crosby," " and the Liberal Democrats have got one as well." " Have they?" " Yeah." " Lord Haw-Haw?" "No!" "Everyone said it's going to be really unpleasant, because apparently this man's skill is negative campaigning, so instead of saying, "My guy is great," you know, which with Ed... you know, might be difficult..." "He's going to say, "Your guys are posh and rich and..." "Eurgh."" "Because he wanted an end to Punch and Judy politics, didn't he?" "Ed Miliband." "You would, if you looked like him and clapped like that..." ""You've lost the election, but you've won a big string of sausages."" "There's a picture here of the moment when Mr Axelrod told Barack Obama that he was going to make Ed Miliband Prime Minister." "According to the Daily Mail, Mr Axelrod said..." "Little bit of help from Mr Axelrod," "Miliband should be able to do that on May the 6th next year." "According to David Axelrod's campaign staff, he's a messy eater." "Staff say that in the past..." "And he also addressed a large meeting..." "The thing is, all of the election gurus have got a big job on their hands, haven't they?" "Challenging." "I love the fact they've all come in to offer advice on tapping into the common touch." "Surely that comes from actually giving a shit." "The fact that you've got to have someone advise you on how to care about people is a disturbing enough... ..prospect in the first place." "This is based on the idea that politics is about electing someone who would be great to go down the pub with, an ordinary guy who would be good and have a beer and you know who is going to vote that way." "You're right." "I'm standing!" "Do we want someone who knows what they're doing?" "Who would you have as UKIP's election guru to give them advice?" "Paul Daniels!" "Meanwhile, in Scottish independence news," " who has been drafted in to help the..." " Gordon Brown." "..struggling Better Together campaign?" " Gordon Brown." " Yes." " He's going to come in and enthuse everybody." "THEY SCOFF" "Papers say he's still popular up in Scotland, with certain sections of the population." " Mm." " The midges." "APPLAUSE" "Any other Scotsmen had a bad week this week?" "Well, David Moyes hasn't has a good week!" "That's the answer to the question!" " Oh, well done." " Have a point." " Yay!" " So, what's he done wrong?" " He hasn't won." " And is that his fault?" " What about the players?" " No, it's..." "The players haven't played as well." "It often happens when a big manager goes, whoever comes in next doesn't succeed." "The next person will have an easier job of following David Moyes." "Perhaps I could do that." "Why don't you turn up and have a talk and see if anyone throws you out?" "You, Rooney." "Play better!" " Motivation speaking." " You get lots of money, just kick it!" "Somebody's going to step in as a sort of caretaker." "Do you know...?" " Ryan Giggs." " Yes." " Even I know that." " Yes." " Yes." " Are you allowed to say his name in public?" "Oh..." "I don't know..." "Super injunction." "Rather you than me." "I mean..." "Andy Gibbons tweeted..." "Who's not interested in that job, do you know?" " Oh, is it Sir Bruce?" " Madrid." " It's Jurgen Klopp." " Oh." " He's ruled himself out, but he's asked if his brother Klippety could be considered." "That went better than I thought." "Who might be stepping in to buy Manchester United?" "Ian." "It's for sale, is it?" "Tell us." "David Beckham and a consortium of ex-footballers have stepped up so maybe they will buy it." "There is a tradition of ex-footballers rescuing businesses." "Danny Mills used to play for Leeds United." "He's rescued the West Cornwall Pasty Company." "And a spokesman for the West Cornwall Pasty Company said..." "HE MUTTERS" "This is Ed Miliband's hiring of legendary American campaign guru" "David Axelrod." "Let's hope his rather disappointing brother" "Ed Axelrod doesn't turn up instead." "Gordon Brown's given a speech this week warning of a pension time bomb if Scotland goes independent." "According to the Guardian..." "And the other two thirds will just look it." "Another 10% goes." "Ryan Giggs reckons he has what it takes to be the next manager." "Talking about the younger players in the reserve team, he says..." "Well, you would, if you've jumped their mothers, wouldn't you?" "At the end of that round it's four points each." "I need some help from the nurse." "I am so relieved, I thought I'd imagined that." " Where did you get that from?" " OK?" " Yes." "Nice man." "APPLAUSE" "And so to Round Two, the Gramophone of News." "Here are some stories this week with a historical bent." "I'm going to give you a clue using the Gramophone of News." "ALL:" "Ooh!" "Twat." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." " Here's the first one." " Yeah." "MUSIC: "One Morning in May" by Stanley Black" "COCKEREL CROWS" "BUZZER" " Who's that?" " That was me." " Oh, well done." "Suntan bed's ready." "Erm..." "That's Pathe News." "Pathe News - they made these newsreels for about 40, 50 years, they've released the whole lot online, I think." "So everything that Pathe News ever did is now available to see." "Absolutely right. 85,000 newsreels onto YouTube." " God, that's going to take me ages." " I was going to say, "..to download!"" "Let's have a look at some of them." "What's Fanny Cradock going to do with this egg?" " She's going to slice it very thinly." " She is." "You watch and learn." " A swan?" " A swan egg." "It's a beautiful eggy swan." "Oh, yes." " JO:" "Canapes have changed, haven't they?" " Yeah." "The Great British Drake Off." "SCATTERED LAUGHTER" "Thank you very much." " MARTIN:" "A drake's a duck." " IAN:" "Yeah, I know." "What do you think he's getting ready to do?" "JOHNNY:" "Is he going to conserve water by swallowing the toothpaste and not spitting it out?" "It's a war effort thing." ""Watch out, Hitler!" ""We're swallowing our toothpaste this side of the Channel."" ""Take that, Hermann Goering'."" "Well, let's see what he did next." "AUDIENCE GASPS" " JO:" "You're right, we'd never have guessed." " You wouldn't would you?" "You had to make your own entertainment in them days." "What do you think is about to happen to these dogs?" "AUDIENCE:" "Ahh." " The terrible things they're all thinking!" " Yes..." "JO:" "Hot-air balloon?" "JOHNNY:" "Does one of them get fed after midnight?" "And... ..lots of evil dogs are produced, and they trash their neighbourhood?" "Let's have a look." "Blimey." " How dignified(!" ")" " Yes." "The Pathe archive also includes footage of Arnold Schwarzenegger's first performance." "Here he is playing Hamlet." " PAUL AS SCHWARZENEGGER:" " "To be or not to be."" "Here we go, back to the Gramophone of News, everyone." " Gramophone of News!" " Fingers on your buzzers." ""Hail Macbeth, King of Scotland!"" "BUZZER" " That's a bit of Macbeth." " Mm." " Is it?" " He said it!" " Yeah, "Hail Macbeth, King of Scotland."" " This is Shakespeare's birthday." " Yes." " Oh, I didn't get him anything." "What did you get him last year?" " Last year, the same as the year before that." " Which was?" " A shroud!" "Do you know what birthday it is?" "450, is it?" "Well done, yeah." "Here's the Sun's celebration." "Helpfully summarised all 37 of his plays." "Here's Twelfth Night:" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Here's Much Ado About Nothing:" "There's an abridged version, what's this one?" " One of the history plays, presumably?" " Yes, smart arse!" "Which one?" " Richard II." " Yes!" "Isn't he good?" "Henry IV Part II." "Johnny, you played Bottom, didn't you?" "Who was Snug to your Bottom?" " Was it the monkey?" " Don't bring this up again!" "We did this last time." " I like him." " Well, he's doing his own ads now." "I've been edged out." "It's not even the fact that I'm not cutting-edge any more " "I'm bitter." "On top of that." "You know what?" "Love coffee." "On the subject of English literature," "I don't suppose you saw this letter from a pupil to his English teacher." "And this is what the student got back from the teacher." "With corrections. "Formal writing should not include profanity."" ""Don't start a sentence with a conjunction."" "And finally, "Please use your education appropriately." ""Proofreading takes five minutes and keeps you from looking stupid."" "This is Shakespeare's 450th birthday." "Shakespeare is credited with enriching the English language with hundreds of phrases, the most commonly used being, "Please, tell me there's an interval!"" "Which means at the end of this round, it's five points to both teams." "APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH" "It's time now for the Odd One Out round." "Your four are:" "The Tramp, David Miliband," "Jack Straw, and Fusarium wilt." " Er..." " Has David Miliband got a question mark on his head?" "His mum put it there, cos she couldn't work out which was which." "It looks like he's been kicked by a tiny horse." " Yeah." "Woke up feeling a little - hoarse." " Wahey!" " Do you want a clue?" " Yes, please." " There's yellow." "Is it Nick Clegg?" "I can't think what yellow has to do with Chaplin's Tramp." " The make-up or something he was wearing?" " A little more..." " It's bent and it's yellow." " Bent and yellow?" " Bananas." " Ah!" " Ah." " Ah!" "David Miliband, of course, didn't he trip on a banana, or...?" " He appeared with a banana." " He appeared with a banana." " That's right." " And looked a bit silly." " Yes." "They've all had an embarrassment with bananas apart from the disease, which gets into bananas." "Yes!" " Yes." " That's impossible!" "Er, this week Jack Straw was photographed eating a banana on the M6." "Here's the damning evidence." "According to The Sun he was spotted by prospective council candidate Conservative Gus Rankin who claimed..." "Although prospective council candidates probably shouldn't be using their camera phones on the motorway either and I'm not suggesting anything." "Jack Straw was obviously full of regret." "He told journalists:" "And David Miliband famously faced ridicule at the 2008 Labour Party conference after being photographed with a 'nana." "Sorry, that's the wrong 'nana." "They've all got into trouble with a banana, apart from Fusarium wilt, which is causing trouble FOR bananas." "According to Gert Kema, who's the director of a banana research programme at Wageningen University in the Netherlands, it's critical that the banana disease is contained, as:" "Apple?" "According to The Telegraph, since 2010, David Miliband's income from public speaking stands at..." "Or, as Tony Blair put it, "Peanuts"." "Charlie Chaplin was born in England and went to the States where he was hugely successful and was loved by millions." "Take note, Piers Morgan." "Ian and Johnny, here are yours." "Tour de France volunteers," "Game of Thrones characters from the north of Westeros," "Wallace and Eric Pickles." "That was a crap film." "Wallace And Eric Pickles!" "Someone eats all the cheese in the first five minutes." "They're all wearing trousers." "I know I'm not the strongest partner to have in a quiz but..." "Can we have a clue?" "It's to do with sounding funny." "The top right man, he's the only one doing a karaoke night." "He's about to sing River Deep, Mountain High." "One of them, the odd one, isn't allowed to sound funny." " Oh, he never says anything." " He does." "Talks all the time." "What do you do at Christmas?" " Drink." " A six-pack of cider." "That's breakfast, Martin!" "Yeah, somebody is suppressing the northern accent." "The ones at the Tour de France are not allowed to speak in a northern accent, the rest exaggerate it." "Yes!" "APPLAUSE" "Staff recruited to welcome tourists to Yorkshire during this summer's" "Tour de France have been banned from using traditional northern greetings in case it causes offence." "There is an online training manual that advises against calling visitors..." "For example, it's unacceptable to say, "Don't inject that here, mate."" "The agency behind the manual, Welcome To Yorkshire, have said..." "..by giving the impression they are in any way welcome to Yorkshire." "I went on a date once, genuinely, a blind date in Leeds, and two lads came over and joined us." "Just pulled out chairs and sat down and after a really awkward 10 or 15 seconds the lads turned to me and went, "Are you still here, flower?"" "They all speak with a Yorkshire accent apart from Tour de France volunteers who have been asked to tone their accents down so people can understand them." "Yorkshire accents feature prominently in the show Game Of Thrones." "According to The Guardian it is..." "The main conversation being, "Have you seen Game Of Thrones?"" ""No, I don't get Sky Atlantic!"" "Eric Pickles is a proud Yorkshireman." "He was born in Yorkshire, became a local councillor in Yorkshire and it is a testament to how popular he is in Yorkshire that he is now an MP in Essex." "In the Wallace and Gromit film, Wallace is a cheery lovable" "Yorkshireman and is based on..." "Um, nobody!" "According to The Guardian, the first Wallace and Gromit adventure, when they go to the moon, was supposed to be like..." "Presumably the working title was Return Of The Chedi!" "Yes." "APPLAUSE" "Which means that at the end of this round," "Johnny and Ian have eight and Jo and Paul have only got five." "APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH" "So it's time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features as its guest publication" "Total Grooming Magazine, which is all about dog grooming." "How to pick up dogs on the internet." "And we start with:" "Ann Widdecombe as his midnight bride?" "Take the stairs." "After complaining about the dreadful pop music in the BBC lifts," "Jeremy Paxman was sent a letter from a radio boss, Ben Cooper." "Oooh!" "Next..." "PAUL:" "Do that!" "IAN:" "Look like Kim Jong-un with that haircut." "Your dog definitely doesn't want to look like it's been dragged through a cat backwards." " Smell like a pineapple." " No, they don't like that." " They do not like that." " I don't feel bad about not getting that one." "Next..." "JO:" "Postman delivers dog to..." "Grooming parlour." "Yes, which was shut so he pushed it through the letter box." "Is it all the mail to wrong place?" "All of the street's mail to the first house." "A spokesman for Royal Mail contractors TNT said..." "And to put that into perspective, it's only because 28,000 complaint letters have been delivered to the building next door." "Next..." "I wanna enter my dog at all the local dog shows in the area." "That's the rest of it, but you haven't got that bit." "You'll get 30 years." "Is that in dog years?" "!" "I want to groom my dog." "I want to lighten my dog's load." "No, I don't want to do that at all." " Look like." " Look like?" " JO:" "Oh, look like!" "Next..." "JOHNNY:" "Ride penny-farthings." "Eat on an empty stomach." "Urinate standing up." "Tweet or own a cat." "Yes, Country Life Magazine's updated Guide to Gentlemanly Manners." "According to them, a true gentleman does not..." "That's my weekend up the Swanee!" "Next..." "IAN: ..is for life!" " Difficult to wax?" " Oh, so close." "I've got to give you that." "A tricky place to clip." "This is from Total Grooming magazine." "For advice on clipping your dog's armpits." "There's also advice on how to clip his groin." "Technically known as the dog's bollocks." "Traffic detour sign makes fish turn into harbour." "JOHNNY:" "Fishing makes fish turn into supper." "The answer is Prozac makes fish turn into frenzied killers." " Killers!" " Next." "What seen from space?" "The moon!" "Eric Pickles." " JO:" "Dog in a rocket." " What is it?" "Nessie." "Really?" "They can't even spot her on the ground, but... go 5,000 miles up there and it's clear as day." "This is a satellite image which supposedly shows the Loch Ness Monster." "According to The Mirror, the picture has been probed by:" "Good thing - you wouldn't want a bunch of nutjobs looking into it." "Finally:" "JOHNNY:" "Torment with panache!" "Er, to make his favourite cheese." "This is the shock revelation that Kim Jong-un eats a lot of cheese." "Who knew?" "Is the name of the person who gets it for him." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "So the final scores are," "Johnny and Ian have 9," "Jo and Paul have 6!" "On which note we say thank you to our panellists," "Ian Hislop and Johnny Vegas, Paul Merton and Jo Coburn, and I leave you with news that in Kent," "Nigel Farage gets himself into the right state of mind to compose the UKIP manifesto." "There are calls for Tony Blair to be made a saint, as his face appears on a pizza." "And after admitting in court that his affair with Rebekah Brooks was wrong, a contrite Andy Coulson leaves the Old Bailey with his wife." "APPLAUSE" "Good night!" "This is a true story, quite embarrassing." "I was at home the other day in our bedroom, lying on the bed, trying to pull my boxers off, when my wife came in and said, you know, you spoil those dogs!" "LAUGHTER"