"Hi, glad you're back." "Let me catch you up." "Elka won a spot on city council." " You won!" " I won!" "Victoria shared an academy award with Helen Mirren." "And the Oscar goes to Helen Mirren." " And Victoria chase." " What?" "It's a tie!" "And Joy was proposed to by three guys on the same night..." "Simon, Mitch, and Bob." "But before she could answer, she was knocked out by Simon, Mitch, and Bob." "Oh, she's not gonna like that picture." "Better start the show." "Which do you think is the biggest news..." "Who Joy has chosen to marry or the latest development in my super-exciting career?" "Probably Joy's thing." "But you haven't heard my thing yet." "I haven't heard joy's thing either." "All right, I'm gonna tell you anyway." "I am flying to New York this afternoon to star in a movie with Brad Pitt." "Brad Pitt!" "I might actually see one of your movies." "I was about to accept the lead in an HBO drama when my darling Co-Oscar-winning Helen Mirren called." "Oh, she had to pass on the Brad Pitt movie, so she recommended me." "Oh." "It's just so beautiful the way we a-listers give freely." "I'm back!" "Oh, it's so good to be home." "Oh, and it's so good to have you home." "But where's Melanie?" "I thought she was driving you from the hospital." "Yes, she was, but the doctor said I should avoid stressful situations." "Did she say who she was gonna marry yet?" "!" "Simon, Mitch, or Bob?" "Simon, Mitch, or Bob?" "So I took a cab." "Plus, I wanted to tell all of you my decision together." "So who's the lucky guy?" "Well, I was up all night picturing myself married to each one of them, and only one of them felt right." " Mitch?" " No." " Bob?" " No." "Simon!" "I knew it!" "Yes, it's Simon." "It's always been Simon." "He was my first love, and when he came back into my life, it just felt like destiny." "Oh, that is wonderful, sweetie." "Have you told him yet?" "No, I have to break the news to Bob and Mitch first." "I owe them that." "How are you gonna tell Mitch?" "Oh, I have it all planned out so we part as friends." "I go over in my black dress that makes me look sorry but in a hot way." "I reference his best qualities:" "He's handsome, kind, handsome." "We kiss farewell and he asks..." "No, insists that we remain good friends." "It's Mitch." "Hello." "What do you mean, we'll never be friends?" "How did you..." "He bugged the living room." "Well, you're a detective, I suppose that's normal." "Cameras, too?" "Okay, I think I found the last one." "Hmm, you know, it's funny." "I had no idea those cameras were there, but now that they're gone, I kind of miss them." "I'm going to New York with you." "What?" "The heat's on." "I've gotta get out of town." "Last night at the council meeting," "Elka announced that she has a plan to bring a thousand jobs to Cleveland." " She has no plan." " Why would you do that?" "The mayor was being all braggy." "You know how I get." "Fine." "Fine, but I am not introducing you to Brad Pitt." "We'll see." "Oh, hey." "Did you break the news to Bob?" "Not yet." "I tried to call, but I haven't been able to reach him." "I hate to let him down." "He's so sweet." "He really is, but right now, you and Simon should be together." "I have to tell Bob first." "Well, let me tell him." "We're friends." "I will let him down gently." " Really?" " Yes." "So go and plan your perfect Scottish wedding." "Oh, Melanie, thank you." "Go, be with the man you love." "Oh, I can't believe I'm getting married." "Oh, I can picture it now:" "A Scottish castle, the groomsmen in kilts, and at the end of the night, my darling Simon heroically pumping the bagpipes." "Don't call yourself names, Joy." "I know this is hard for you, Bob." "I'm so sorry." "Well, I knew proposing was a long shot." "I mean, I talk a good game, but I know Joy's out of my league." "I just thought this time I'd found the one." "Oh." "I've been there." "I..." "I've gotten close a few times." "It didn't work out, and it... it hurts." "But you are a smart, funny, wonderful man." "You're right." "I am handsome." "Yes." "And handsome." "And there are so many women out there who could easily fall in love with you." "Oh, God." "I hope there are no more hidden cameras in this house." "Joy." "Have you made your decision?" "Yes, Simon." "I will marry you." "Joy, mm, you've made me so happy." " Hello." " Oh!" " Who's she?" " Oh, her." "Um, this is..." "Uh," "We are so gonna laugh about this at our 50th wedding anniversary." "This is my wife." " Your wife?" " This is Yesenia." "Hello." "What the hell is going on?" "How could you propose to me and not tell me you were already married?" "Well, I thought you would say no." " I would have said no." " Exactly." "Yesenia and I are only married in the legal sense." "We're not married in a spiritual sense or a sexual sense or a pretending to listen to long boring stories sense." "Simon, how did this happen?" "Look, I was filming the Civil War in her country." "Yesenia was alone and abandoned." "The rebels were taking over the city." "The only way I could get her out of the country was to marry her." "He was so kind." "He took me, even though in my country" "I'm past the age of marriage and no man would want me." "How old are you?" "23." "Yesenia, could we have a moment?" "Look, Joy, nothing has to change." "We can still get married, eventually, as soon as Yesenia can stay here legally." "Until then, just for immigration, you have to pretend to be our maid." " Your maid?" "!" " It's just a title." "We'll all pitch in together." " So we're good?" " No!" "What really infuriates me is you doing something so utterly stupid and humanitarian that I can't get mad without feeling like a jerk." "Then let's just move past the anger and go straight to the makeup sex." "Makeup sex?" "Sounds wonderful." "Should we ask your sexy, young wife to join us?" "I feel like that's a trick question." "It's a joke!" "Okay, Victoria, you are the queen waiting for the Republic's ambassador, played by Brad Pitt, who has just landed on your planet." "Uh, about my costume..." "No, no, that's just the motion capture suit." "Your character will be digitally rendered in post." "All right?" "Let's get started." "But Brad isn't here yet." "Oh, no, Mr. Pitt's not coming to New York." "See, the beauty of these special effects is, you don't even have to be in the same country." "But I can't film a love scene without my lover." "Vern." "He's Brad Pitt?" "No, no." "That's Brad Pitt." "A tennis ball?" "We'll CGI Brad in later." "This tennis ball represents the future of your race." "Now, make love to it." "I feel sorry for the tennis ball." "You want a cupcake?" "They're from film New York." "What's that?" "That's the city film commission." "The city gets a couple thousand jobs." "We get tax breaks." "It's a win-win." "Oh, a politician that brings in that many jobs could sure shut up a braggy mayor." "Who are you again?" "Elka Ostrovsky." "Film Cleveland." "All right, and action!" "Oh, I love you." "Kiss me." "Vern!" "Cut!" "Victoria, what's wrong?" "What's wrong?" "I'm kissing a tennis ball." "Maybe it'll help you get into it if I can show you the model of your character." "Oh, that would be great." "I was picturing a sexy Zoe Saldana type, you know, like from Avatar." "This is you." "Pretty cool, huh?" "We even gave it some of your facial features so people will forever associate you with the character." "Mirren!" "Is that a diary?" "Diaries are for girls, Melanie." "This is a journal." "A sex journal." "I've kept track of every conquest since I was a wide eyed 24 year old." "You're on page three?" "It's not necessarily my first journal." "It says "volume one" right there on the cover." "Oh, well." "I get two thumbs up, huh?" "Oh, those are not thumbs." "What does "BPSE" mean?" "Best pity sex ever." "Oh, Bob, you don't have to call it pity sex." "How else could I describe it?" "I felt sorry for you." "Wait." "You think you had pity sex with me?" "No, no, no." "I had pity sex with you, because I felt sorry for you because you can never have Joy." "And I plan to change that." "Now more than ever, I realize that Joy is the one for me." "Sex with you confirmed that." "Well, my agent confirmed it." "Mirren tricked me into taking that movie so she could steal my part in that HBO series." "My advice, Victoria, is to let it go." "You're right." "No, I should quit the movie, destroy Mirren, and take back what is rightfully mine." "I need something underhanded and devious." "Oh, WWLD." "What would Lucci do?" "I should call her." "You're gonna call your oldest enemy?" "First of all, my oldest enemy is time." "And second, you know the saying, keep your friends close and your enemy of your friend as close as the friend of your enemy even closer." "This'll cheer you up." "Everyone in town loves my film Cleveland plan." "Why would that cheer me up?" "Because you're the spokesperson." "I didn't agree to that." "But it's a win-win." "I bring film jobs to Cleveland and stick it to the mayor." "And what do I get?" "I said it was win-win, not win-win-win." "Simon's already married." " Married?" " Are you kidding?" "The whole time he was proposing to me, he was already married to another woman." "I hate him!" " That bastard." " Son of a bitch." "I can't hate him." "The woman is from a war-ravaged country, and he married her to save her life." " Oh, he saved her life." " Oh, that's so sweet." "It's not sweet!" "He should have told me first, but he just thinks of himself." " Oh, who does that?" " So self centered." "Not totally self centered." "I just told you, he saved a life." "Okay, I'm confused." "Which opinion should we echo and pretend is our own?" "This morning I was getting married to the love of my life." "And now, the love of my life is married to a hot 23-year-old, and he expects me to wait for him." "I don't know what to do." "Joy." " Simon." " I love you." " I don't want to hear that." " I want to marry you." "I don't want to hear that either." "I'm getting a divorce." "I'm listening." "I'll start divorce proceedings right away." "It'll be just the two of us, just you and me." " Really?" " Yes, really." "To the bedroom, future wife!" "Oh, my God!" "This is really happening." "Yes, it's really happening." "To the bedroom!" "Oh, no, wait." "What about Yesenia?" "Oh." "Oh, she'll be okay." "I promise." "We'll figure it out somehow." " To the bedroom!" " Yes!" "No, wait." "What do you mean "somehow"?" "Look, Joy, after years and years apart, we're finally getting our happily ever after." " Can we just enjoy the moment?" " Yes." "Hello." "Yesenia." "What are you doing here?" "Uh, maybe put me down now." "I'm so sorry to interrupt, but I've just heard that my father's been arrested." "I have to go back home." "In my country, I can't travel without my husband." "Of course your husband will go with you." "Oh, thank you." "Would you excuse us?" "Joy." "If you don't go back to help her, you'll hate yourself, and I'll hate myself." "Look, I'll..." "I'll go and I'll come back to you as soon as I can, and then we can be together." "Oh, Simon." "I've said that before, haven't I?" "Yes, you have." "Many times." "It's your pattern." "You're impulsive and unpredictable." "And you love that about me." "I do." "But I don't love it about us." "It's always very exciting, but it's not a relationship." "So what are you saying?" "I'm saying I can't marry you." "You're great at the grand gesture." "But relationships are about what happens after the grand gesture." "It's the little everyday moments in between that make up a life, and that's not you." "I can change." "I've said that before, too, haven't I?" "Yes." "So this is it?" "We have a son and a grandson together." "We'll always be in each other's lives, and..." "I'll always love you." "I'll always love you." "Good-bye, Joy." "Good-bye, Simon." " Are you all right?" " I think I am." "Or at least I will be." "He'll always be my first love, but I know I made the right decision." "Of course you did, sweetie." "You know, if something like this had happened in my 20s," "I'd be depressed and in bed for a month." " But now..." " In your 30s." "Yes." "Surrounded by friends," "I know I'll be okay." "In some ways, I think you guys are the long-term relationship I was destined for." "I want to see other people." "Good, you're all here." "Joy, I have two things to tell you, and it's best that there are witnesses." "First, a confession." "When Melanie told me the news, she was so sad that I made love to her out of pity." "I pitied you!" "Says the single, middle aged woman to the successful bachelor." "Why are you telling me this?" "Because I never want there to be anything but absolute honesty between us, Joy." "And secondly, now that I'm done comforting Melanie..." "I'll be devoting myself solely to you because some day Simon will slip up, and on that day," "I will be there for you." "She just dumped Simon." "Then as first runner-up," "I guess I'll be assuming his duties." "No, you don't get to automatically marry Joy just because she didn't choose Simon." "You know, I find it sad that most Americans don't even know their own laws." "You're very sweet, Bob, but I'm not really looking for any husband right now." "I get it." "And that's smart." "Throw yourself into your work." "And what will happen to you?" "Oh, I'll see you at work." "I bought back the detective agency from Mitch." "He really hates you." "You two working together, won't that be awkward?" "At first." "But then it'll turn to mild discomfort, then to amused tolerance, and naturally, to love." "And, Melanie, I know you're hurting right now..." " Okay, you need to leave now." " That's right, Melanie, you be strong." "You hide your pain, Melanie." " Oh, my God." " What?" "Helen Mirren was in a freak accident in London." "Someone pushed her into the Thames." "The incident was captured on camera by CC TV." "Oh, dear." "Doctors say Mirren is unharmed but, shaken by the incident, has opted out of her forthcoming HBO series." "Someone pushed her into the river!" "Who would do something like that?" "I have a major announcement to make!" "Does it have anything to do with the fact that you're carrying a harrods bag and Helen Mirren just fell into the Thames?" "It does." "I got my HBO part back." "I would've told you about the plan but Lucci wanted to keep it a secret." "Oh look, they are talking it about in TV." "Turn it up." "Mirren was pulled from the Thames by American actress Susan Lucci." "What, what?" "That wasn't part of the plan." "_ Mirren has promised to cast Lucci in her next film." "To be directed by Martin Scorsese." "Could an Oscar for Lucci be their award for her heroic act?" "Mirren." "Lucci." "Mirucci."