"Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts, Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani!" "Hello!" "Hello!" "Hello." "Hello." "Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello." "Hello." "Okay, cut!" "Right there!" "Right there!" "That's a great place to cut now." "What?" "Let's just stop down right there." "Let's go ahead and stop down right there." "Great show so far, guys." "What?" "Great job." "Great show so far." "Give it up!" "Take a quick break!" "Great show, great show so far." "We got someone." "Give it up for your host." "Great job." "Great job!" "Awesome, guys... the best!" "Kumail and Jonah... hey, guys, my name's Jerry, this is Jerry." "We're your audience coordinators tonight." "And now we have been watching you guys backstage." "I know you've been watching these guys, but we've been watching you." "And..." "Not so good." "Not so good." "Not so good." "Because we need bigger reactions." "This is for television." "I don't know if the 19 or 20 cameras... have led you to believe that this is not just a live show." "People are gonna watch this on what?" "On their TV." "Boom." "So, the way this is gonna work is, we're gonna lead you through some reactions, okay?" "Just to make it look fun." "We need all kinds of fun reactions." "Because look at this." "Uh, do I want to watch Everyone Loves Raymond if everyone's like this?" "No!" "No, I don't-- no!" "Okay, now we just need some laughs like you're in line at Starbucks..." "Yeah." "And someone farts." "Someone farts." "Yeah, that's a great" "Great, great, great." "Watch yourselves on video, watch" "Look how stupid you look." "Look how stupid-- Look at that guy." "Look at this guy." "Look at this guy." "Look at this piece of shit." "Great job." "Look at this piece of shit right here." "Hold on one second." "Hold on one second." "Oh, yeah." "What is it?" "Okay." "No, he sucks." "This guy sucks." "Got it, he's horrible." "The guy sucks." "Yeah." "This guy sucks?" "Hold on." "They want you to take off your glasses." "Take off your glasses, sir." "Yeah, thank you so much." "Take off your glasses." "That's good." "We gotta young it down." "Hold on, hold on, hold on." "What?" "Put it back on." "Yeah, that's better, that's much much better." "Yeah, they like that, they like that." "They want to smart it up, they want to smart it up." "No, you don't want it." "You don't want it." "This guy?" "Sorry, yeah." "What's your deal?" "Yeah, that's good." "You're not having a good time?" "What's your name?" "No?" "You're not having fun?" "Stand up, please." "It's not our job to be funny." "It's our job to coordinate audience members like you." "I'm gonna take your seat." "Okay." "I'm gonna show you-- Give me your dumb glasses." "I'm gonna show you how to do it, because you don't know how to do your job." "Stand over here and stand in the corner." "You can't-- don't face-- yeah, face away like you're in trouble now." "All right, Jerry is gonna be seated." "Face away like Blair Witch." "You're in the corner." "Hands on your ass!" "Hands on your ass!" "Okay, great." "Talk me through it, Jerry." "What kind of laugh do you want?" "You're seeing something really funny." "Hah, hah, hah." "Yeah, all this, like you're laughing really hard." "You're slapping your buddy on the shoulder." "Oh, yeah, that's right, Kumail." "But then he brings out your mom and he shoots her in the head." "Oh, what!" "What!" "Oh, no!" "But you like 'em so much!" "You like 'em so much!" "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah!" "Yes, yes, yes, yes." "That's how you do it!" "Steve!" "That's how you do it!" "You can get back over here." "Let's do it." "Am I next?" "Just go up." "Yeah." "There's like some sort of little-- Rob and Paul" "Right now, they're taking-- Shut up." "Um, um-- Oh, no, that's the gag is" "Scheer and Huebel are audience coordinators." "You don't want it!" "Okay, now just a little-- a quick, little kiss, tiny, little kiss." "Yeah." "Tiny, tiny, little bit of tongue." "Tiny, little bit of tongue, just the tiniest little bit." "And then you, now let's get your hand on your crotch." "You're rubbing gently." "You don't want anyone to see." "You're turned on by it." "You start texting, start texting!" "Get your phone out and just start texting!" "You're gonna Instagram this." "You're gonna Instagram this." "Yeah, keep rubbing, keep rubbing." "This is nice." "This is what we want." "You getting all this?" "You getting all this?" "Yes, yes." "Close up on the crotch." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Very nice." "That is great, oh, really solid." "That's nice." "Nice stuff." "Keep it real, small, small, guys." "Really solid work." "Really solid." "Very nice, perfect." "Raise your hand if you're being paid to be here." "Everyone, who gets paid over $1,000, right?" "Yeah." "What?" "No one's get" "Not a lot of people getting paid." "Check under your seats, is there a $1,000 bill under your seat?" "There's supposed to be a $1,000 bill under everybody's seat." "Is there not that?" "No." "What is it?" "What is it?" "They didn't put the-- That's our bad." "They didn't do it." "So sorry, guys." "They didn't do it." "They didn't do it." "We got a lot of money to spread around." "All right, great." "A whole lot of money." "So, just start laughing and I'm gonna pay whoever laughs the biggest." "Yes, yes, keep laughing!" "Keep laughing!" "Laugh harder!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Laugh harder!" "Stop it!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Hey!" "What's up?" "Whoa!" "What the fuck?" "Great audience, what a great crowd!" "Great audience, got 'em all warmed up for you." "Have a great show." "Have a great show." "Good crowd, really good crowd." "Rob Huebel and Paul Scheer, everybody!" "Yes." "Please no ladies, ew." "Let me hear the dog pound, oh!" "We are in the back of a comic book store." "Let's do it one more time." "Now these are the guys that have not changed their drawers in over three weeks." "Give it up." "Yes." "What is that from, Arsenio?" "Yeah, yeah." "Okay." "I wasn't in the country when that was a thing." "He was the world's show man, Kumail." "Well, he didn't get to Pakistan." "Maybe things would have been a little bit better over there if you'd had Arsenio." "Why you got that-- he's got a scout master stance." "You got like a Captain Morgan stance." "Rob's standing there like, 20 years ago, I'd be ruling this place." "It would be all me and Gaffigan would be my bitch." "This used to be my apartment, guys." "Oh, that's why you're so comfortable." "I used to live here." "Where did you grow up?" "Right here, this is my place." "You grew up right here?" "Is this you joshin' again?" "No, what's everybody-- He's joshing and joking." "Why is everybody joking?" "Yeah, what's up with that?" "Betrayal, when you betrayed a friend or a friend betrayed you." "Deep shit." "Yeah, deep shit." "Get ready, this is gonna turn into a two-man show." "This happened to me." "I was in kindergarten, okay?" "So, I was a little, little kid, and what we do in Pak" "If you weren't a little kid-- I was in kindergarten and I was 16." "Whoa!" "No, it's like a Pakistani scam, I was like the basketball team." "Yeah, it was a big controversy, the kindergarten basketball team of Pakistan." "If you did read the papers from Pakistan, in the late 80's" "Too busy watching Arsenio Hall!" "I should do specific Pakistani references from that era." "Sure, go for it." "You guys like Neelam Khurasan again." "Nah." "Where's the beef?" "You're the one getting them all." "So, I'm in kindergarten, and in Pakistan, kids do this thing where like if you're friends... with someone, you do-- this is called Dosti... and this is like when you're not friends with someone, so" "What happens-- what's this then?" "Is that for" "Frenemies." "Frenemies, okay?" "Friends, enemies, frenemies." "Boink." "So, it was me and three friends and we w-- we had this thing, we had a ritual... every morning, we would show up-- this was non-standard... but we were such good friends, we would do it." "We would like renew our bonds of friendship every day." "We would meet up at the locker, and be like Dosti, Dosti, Dosti." "And we were the best of friends." "One day, I hadn't had breakfast, and I was in kind of a shitty mood." "The first guy shows up, and he's like Dosti, and I was like..." "Not today, bro." "Oh!" "Just to see what would happen, he went and told the other two guys... and none of them ever talked to me ever again." "Oh, my god." "For the rec" " I was like ostracized from kindergarten society." "I had no friends, and then I saved up all my money... and I bought like fun erasers for all of them... as like a "here, like, be friends."" "But there was a kid in class and he would like eat everybody's erasers." "You had to like hide your erasers from him." "And so I gave them to these kids, and they just gave it to the guy... and they all watched while this kid ate all of my erasers." "And then, they told everyone that my mom was a ghost... and whenever my mom came to school to pick me up... people would scream and run away." "[JONAH] Is that like a normal Pakistani thing to" "No!" "No, they made that up." "These kids were fucking geniuses." "That's messed up." "We should also like go and check up on that eraser-eating kid." "Doug, I just wanted to say "break a leg."" "Doug!" "Doug." "Doug." "This is cute." "Doug, I want to say "good luck."" "Oh, my god!" "Hey!" "It's Doug Benson." "Doug Benson, everybody." "Doug!" "Hey, Doug!" "Doug!" "Doug." "Have a good set." "Oh, thanks, Jim..." "Jim Gaffigan." "Yeah." "Whoa, he's not coming out yet." "Yeah." "Doug, you kind of-- Well, let's get him out here." "Come on, Jim Gaffigan, everybody." "No, no, you do your thing." "Do your thing." "I'm really excited to see your set." "Okay, buddy." "Go ahead." "I can't wait 'til his turn." "[KUMAIL] That was all scripted." "[JONAH] Stretch?" "Stretch?" "He's saying we gotta stretch, but we haven't even started." "No, I was saying, "I have gum." Oh!" "You're the first performer in the history of everything that's bumped himself." "Your-- your own performance is being delayed by this bullshit." "I won't do it anymore." "Just" " I'm just gonna let you do your set." "It's interest-- Did you say something?" "[JONAH] Hey, all right." "Well, that's all the time we have for Doug." "He just" "Thanks so much for coming!" "Doug Benson, everyone!" "Jim just doubled his" "No, no!" "Doug is gonna be so mad at me." "Yeah, if he does not stay on stage right now, he's gonna be very angry." "He's gonna fuck with me so bad now, isn't he?" "I'm gonna-- well, do you want that or not?" "I'm just gonna-- no, I don't know." "It doesn't matter." "He should, I mean, I-- but I think that's fun." "That's what he wanted." "That's a first, where the next act just fucks up everything." "And he's next, like I could completely revenge on his ass." "Are you gonna revenge on his ass?" "No." "It's not my style." "It kind of is perfect." "I don't betray people." "You just got betrayed." "He just betrayed me." "That's my betrayal story." "You guys are friends." "One night I came by the Meltdown show to try to interrupt Jonah and Kumail." "During a taping." "Yeah, it was for television." "Yeah." "Like-- and they were gonna pay me to do it." "Ridic-- I don't assume I'm gonna get paid for this." "I think Guild-wise we have to pay you." "Oh, perfect." "Good night!" "Doug Benson, everybody." "Doug Benson, everybody." "Oh, no, I'm sorry." "No, I-- When you were walking out, I just was like..." "It's funny to like interrupt." "Are they intro-- me?" "Yeah." "You can fuck with me." "What?" "You're going on, right?" "No, that's the gag, is I was fucking with them... and then you fucked with my fucking with them." "So it really became meta, yeah." "No way!" "The whole gag was I didn't have a set, I was just gonna fuck with them." "I'm sorry." "I didn't know that." "I, uh-- me and my friends were playing with those super soaker water guns." "Oh, yeah, oh, you guys remember?" "You guys remember super soakers?" "Now I know all your references." "Arsenio Hall loved to play with those." "It was like a hot day." "We were just having fun with water guns." "Oh, yeah, what's better than cold water on a hot day?" "Exactly, it was fun with friends." "Fun times, fun with friends." "Yeah." "And then I remember that I had one of those faucets off to the side... which is just one spigot that's just boiling hot water." "Oh, and it like goes right down to hell?" "Yeah, and then it gets cursed and they bring it back up." "Yeah, yeah, the hell water." "Yeah, yeah, it's not even water anymore, it's just clear devil blood." "Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah." "We all had that." "We all had that." "And then so, I filled up the bottle of the super soaker with that boiling hot water... and then went looking for a friend, and then I heard my friend Bobby laughing." "And so I jumped around a corner and he sees me and he's smiling, because we're having fun." "We're having-- Oh, yeah, he's gonna get cold water, right?" "Yeah." "A respite on a hot day." "Yeah, oh, here it comes." "And he was just like, oh, here we go!" "Oh, no, I don't want this!" "Yeah." "And then I started shooting him in the face." "And it wasn't so much like pain at first, it was like the first look on his face was just... confusion." "I like to think that for a second he was still smiling... because his brain hadn't communicated to his face." "He's like, ah..." "He just slowly realized what it was, and he still didn't really understand what was happening." "So he just started screaming, "Why?" "Why does it?" "Why does it?"" "Why does it?" "He-- nothing else could come out of his mouth... besides just like nothing made sense at that moment." "Black is white, up is down." "Friends are enemies." "Yes." "Sh" " I should probably go up there." "If you want to perform, you should." "If you don't want to, that's cool, too." "You know what, I'm just gonna go out there and be honest." "Yes." "Finally." "I'm just gonna-- should be honest, you know what I mean?" "They need to hear some of the stuff I have to say." "You know, people were like, "Hold on!" "I like donuts." What are you talking about... tonight?" "Donuts." "Donuts." "They're like hold on here!" "Emphasis on hold." "I mean, I'm tearing the lid off of it." "Yeah." "You know what I mean?" "I don't care." "Finally." "I mean, that's why I have a body guard." "I have a body guard out there." "That's-- yeah." "Because I don't want people, you know" "Is that the guy in the Kevin Costner mask?" "Yeah." "Remember the first time you went out to dinner as an adult?" "You were like, "I've got a job, I'm going out to dinner." "And then the bill comes and you're like, "I'm moving home."" "I need Daddy to pay for everything." "Whenever I go out to dinner, I always get a steak... because I'm a man." "Oh, I just always have to get the steak, you know?" "My wife always makes fun of me." "She's like, "Why do you even get a menu?"" "I wish" " I wish I wasn't like that." "I wish I liked fish." "I'm sure most of you like fish." "I wish I was the guy in the restaurant that was like, "You know what?" ""I'll get the fish, because I enjoy disgusting food."" "It's disgusting." "Fish don't even like fish." "That's why they're always frowning." "You know, it's like" "What smells?" "Oh, it's me." "How are you feeling?" "What's going on?" "I just feel like I have to throw up before-- Why?" "...to do stand-up comedy." "Oh, you always do?" "Great." "Great." "Hey, punch me." "Harder." "Really?" "That's very good." "Punch me." "Oh, yeah, okay, now even it out?" "Oh, I actually love it!" "I actually love it." "I actually love it." "This is your process?" "Yeah." "Getting punched." "I've never punched anyone before." "Can we do a punch together?" "Here, so Jonah, both punch him together." "On three?" "Yeah." "One, two, three." "I mean, sharing a meal with someone, that's intimacy." "That's why it was called The Last Supper and not the last meeting." "You know?" "Jesus was trying to get 12 other guys together." "You know, there had to be food there." "You know, like" " Jesus was like, uh, tomorrow night, I want to get everyone together." "You know there was one apostle like, "Is there gonna be food there?"" "Yes, there'll be food." "Are we talking appetizers or entrees?" "It'll be a supper." "So casual, I can wear a robe?" "Are you gonna wear a robe?" "I'll wear a robe if you wear a robe." "Jesus, he was in good shape, right?" "Jesus was in amazing shape!" "Especially considering he could multiply bread whenever he wanted." "He was just like boom, pretzel bread, you know?" "The Bible doesn't really specify what type of bread it was." "I imagine it was pretzel bread, right?" "It's like, boom, pretzel bread, boom, garlic knots." "Like if right now I multiplied garlic knots up here... you guys would be like maybe he's god." "I know religion jokes make some people uncomfortable." "Especially the ones going to hell." "You ever get a phone call?" "That's annoying, right?" "You'd better-- you'd better be calling to tell me your hands are chopped off." "It's like, "I just wanted to hear your voice, Daddy."" "Buy my CD, right?" "Is Doug in there?" "Doug." "Doug, hi, how are you?" "What's happening?" "You want to come out here?" "Have a good set!" "Bastard, all right, you guys have been a delight." "Thank you very much." "Are you good at remembering everyone?" "Like, you and I are goofy looking, so" "And I mean that in an insulting way." "Yeah, no." "But, so, where people remember you, but do you remember them?" "It depends on the p-- it's case by case." "Right?" "I think it's case by case." "Do you remember me?" "I think that went well." "Like, when someone walks away, what do you do?" "Do you remember people?" "I'm sorry, who are you?" "Don't talk to me." "Let me get out of here." "He doesn't even have his shoes on." "He's like, "You know what, I'll leave my shoes."" "Not into it." "[KUMAIL] Please welcome to the stage, Eric Andre." "Eric Andre." "Agh!" "Uh, this is my first time doing stand-up." "I want a topic from the audience." "No, no, I don't, okay." "Ah, where are you from?" "Agh!" "I hate when people that order stupid drinks from the bar... they're like, "I'll have a red-headed slut."" "Next time you're at the bar, just make up one of those names." "Just go, "Yeah, can I get a shitty dicksucker?"" "And then when the bartender's like, "What the fuck is that?"" "Just go, uh, it's just an O'Doul's, it's just" "( PHONE VIBRATES )" "Oh, shit, hold on, sorry." "Yeah." "Oh, my god!" "Oh, my god, my wife is having a baby!" "My wife" " I'll be right there, honey." "My wife is having a baby!" "My wife is having a baby!" "Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god." "Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god." "Oh, my god, oh, my god, fuck, fuck, shit!" "Will you help me, please?" "Piss." "What do you need?" "Do you need me to call 911?" "Oh, my god, get away from my wife!" "Get away!" "Where are you?" "Lie down, honey." "Lie down!" "Lie down, lie down, lie down, lie down, lie down, lie down." "Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god." "Oh, my god!" "What the fuck?" "Oh, my god, oh, my god, my wife just had a sandwich!" "My wife just had a sandwich!" "My wife" "My wife just had a sandwich!" "Oh, my god, honey." "Thank you." "Thank you, baby." "I love you." "I love you." "I want a divorce." "Hey, can I get my sandwich?" "Yeah." "Wait, that's it?" "Can I get a sandwich, please?" "Now!" "Thank you." "We did it." "We produced the worst bit in television." "I fucking suck!" "Yeah!" "Ah-too." "Eric Andre, everybody." "Hey, Eric Andre." "All right, thanks so much for coming to the Meltdown!" "Thanks for coming." "Have a good night, everybody!" "Thanks for coming out." "You gotta go up some time with just that." "Just start it." "Just do all the material-- totally." "You totally should." "Motorcycle Man, his helmet has different compartments."