" What have the Russians got to do with this?" " My life is at stake." "Money's no object." " I am Vladimir Denisovich." " Denisovich, from Russia?" " Yeah." " You communist!" "My family's had an exclusive contract with the Russians for over a hundred years." " Moscow police." "You're under arrest." " Oh, God, he knows!" "I think we're on the same side here." " What side is that?" " "The company. "" "Kill them." " Having a party?" " It's none of your business." " Plastic or paper?" " Who cares?" "That's $2,347.82." "Your change- 18 cents." "Treat yourself." "Uh-Uh-Uh." "Careful, Laura." "Cloud the palate." "Hmm." "What is so special about this bottle of champagne?" "Oh, this was given to me... by a dear friend in Cyprus, 1973." "Or was it '74?" "Ah, well, at any rate..." "I had to leave rather unexpectedly because the Cypriots... decided to stage this coup." " However, this precious bottle of champagne here survived..." " Mr. Steele." " and was later recovered by" " Pop the cork." "Return of the Cypriots?" " Who is it?" " Help me, please." "Let me in.!" " Somebody's trying to kill me.!" " Yes." "Coming!" "Coming!" "Coming!" "Ah, yes!" "Yes!" "What can I do fo" "You're my only hope." "You've got to help me." "Please!" "I'd get down on my knees if it weren't so much trouble getting up." " Who are you?" " Bingham Perret. "Bing" to all my friends." " Hey, listen" " Did you lock the door?" " You've got a gun, don't ya?" " Calm" " Calm" " Calm down now." " Who's trying to kill you?" " Oh" "Him." "Oh." "Any idea why?" " Caviar." " Caviar?" " How did you find us, Mr. Perret?" " Bing." " All right." "How did you find us, Bing?" " I called your office." "A nice lady gave me your address." "I was in the neighborhood so" "Remind me to talk to Mildred." "You've got to help me." "My life is at stake." "Money's no object." "Be right back." "Lock the door." "I'll take the alley." " Who is he?" " Ah, good question." "Russian?" "Mr. Perret!" " Bing." " Oh!" "Sorry about the window." "Cork had a mind of its own." "Just put it on my bill." "Wha" "Did you find the guy?" "He found me." "Bing, why are you being followed by someone from Russia?" "Just put it on my bill." "Now, Mr. Steele." "The man is a menace to life, limb and property." "Ooh." "Nevertheless, he is our client." "Now." "What have the Russians got to do with this?" " Ball bearings?" " Bulgarian ball bearings." "My family's in the caviar business." "And this is supposed to be a million-dollar shipment of Russian caviar." " Uh-huh." " See any fish eggs in here?" "Maybe you should stop payment on your check." "Too late." "We paid for it months ago." "Anything like this ever happen before?" "Never." "You don't mess around with the king of caviar." "The king of caviar?" "My family's had an exclusive contract with the Russians for over a hundred years." "If you live in the United States and you want Russian caviar..." " Mmm." " you come to me." "That is, if Daddy's busy." "Have you contacted the Russian authorities?" "Of course I have." "I've been trying to get through to Denisovich all day." " Denisovich?" " The commissar of caviar." "In Russia." " And?" " He's in a meeting." " Well, shouldn't you answer it?" "It might be Russia calling." "Hello?" "No." "Mr. Perret not here." "So sorry." "Call back tomorrow." "Hi, Daddy." "Oh." "No, I was just kiddin' ya." "You know how I like to do that sometimes." "Everything's fine." "Of course the shipment came in." "I'm standing here looking at it right now." "Sri Lanka already." "He's in Sri Lanka already." "Be home before you know it." "What?" "No, just some friends." "We're not!" "I know you told me not to have any parties." "I know!" "Don't worry!" "Okay?" "Good-bye!" "Oh, God!" "Come on." "Come on." "Come on." "Come on." "Laura." "Come on." "Straighten up." "Straighten up." "Come on." "Pull yourself together now, for God's sake." "There you go." "Come on." "Chin up." "Chest out." "Belly in." " Close enough." " Sit down." " Mr. Perret" " Bing." "Bing, what is it exactly you'd like us to do?" "I don't know." "Go to Russia?" "We can't go to Russia." "We're sponsoring that charity polo match day after tomorrow." "I have to have my caviar by then." "Well, with any luck you will." "In the event that you don't..." "I'm sure the charity people will understand." "No, you don't understand." "This polo match... is the most important sales event of the year." "All our buyers will be there." "No caviar- no business." "No business- bye-bye, Bing." "Daddy'll have me for breakfast." "Well, it looks as if we have our work cut out for us, Mr. Steele." "Hmm." "And all before Daddy gets home." "Bing" "It would be a very good idea if you stayed with Mr. Steele tonight." "I can't." "I promised to have some publicity pictures... taken tomorrow morning at the polo field." "Fine." "Mr. Steele will go with you." "Uh, Miss Holt- Excuse us a moment, Bing." "Uh, technical talk." "We don't want to bore you with anything." "Laura, Laura." "The man practically destroyed my apartment." "Couldn't we put him up in a hotel?" "I mean, they're insured for this sort of thing." "That wouldn't solve the problem." "Besides, if it were a woman, you'd expect her to stay with me, wouldn't you?" " Hmm?" " Oh." "Why do I get the sinking feeling I'm gonna regret this?" "That phone call tonight from Daddy?" "I was just putting him on." "We do that kind of stuff all the time." "It's like he's my big brother." "Hmm." "I gathered that from the conversation." "Look, just between you and me, I'm the king now, okay?" "Daddy's gone, well, a little senile." "Everybody wants me to put him away, but I won't do it." "I love that man." "I would never do anything to hurt him." "That's why you have to promise me that he won't find out about this little... glitch." "Hey." "Come on." " Get some sleep." "Leave that." " Well, I am a little bushed." "Turn in." " Good night." " Good night." "Good night." "Uh, here you go." "Uh" "Why don't you, uh, take the bed?" "I'll take the couch." " Good idea." " There you go." " Good night." " Good night." "Oh.!" "What a bed, Mr. Steele.!" "Thanks." "Good night." "Put it on my bill." "How you doin', hon?" "Bing's company has used the same shipping line for years." "This is the first time the caviar's gone through Bulgaria." " Hmm." " Why suddenly change routes?" "Mildred, see if you can get through... to a Mr. Denisovich in the Soviet Union." " Here's the number." " Who's he?" "The commissar of caviar." "I want to know who instructed him to send the caviar to Bulgaria." " Where are you off to?" " The polo field." "Once again, Mr. Steele has managed to get the easier part of this assignment." "Mr. Perret.!" "Telephone, sir." "Why did you wait until I got up here?" " Nobody told me." " Is it Daddy?" "Take the picture." "Get me down." " Bing.!" " Marty!" "You look, well... positively robust." "Have we met?" "Martin Rome." " Trevor Keach." " Marty owns Rome's Caviar Emporiums." "One of our biggest customers." "New sales rep." "Just put him on today." "You a polo player, Mr. Keach?" "I've played a chukker or two in my time, yes." "Good." "Hope we have a chance to go head-to-head tomorrow afternoon." "Why do you think I hired him?" "Bing, I, uh, put in a call to your father." " You did?" " Well, to be perfectly frank- and this is no reflection on you- but, uh, your father promised me I'd have my caviar by the end of last week." "Here it is nearly the middle of this week, and I've yet to see an egg." "I've gotta have that caviar by tomorrow afternoon." "If I don't, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to make other arrangements." " Tomorrow then." " Mmm." "Be there with spurs on." "I'm dead." "Do you hear that?" " D-E-A-D." "Dead." " We got 24 hours, Bing." "Don't go nutters on me, mate." "What would Daddy do in this- Oh, my God!" "Daddy's on the phone!" "Well?" "Paperwork's driving me crazy." "Thought I'd come down here, get some fresh air." " Where's he going?" " Daddy's on the phone." "Psst." "Psst!" "Psst." "Psst." "Where's the phone?" " I am Vladimir Denisovich." " Denisovich, from Russia?" "Where's my caviar, you communist?" "First you give me American one million dollars." "A million dollars?" "I already paid you." "No, you paid the Soviet government." "Look, you want caviar, call me." " We'll have lunch." " Freeze!" " Nice suits." " Uh-huh." "Brooks Brothers, I'd say." "Shall we?" "In here-Aw, damn!" "Come on." "Out you get." "Ah" "The guy who's been following me- He was in there." " Anyone else?" " Yeah." "Denisovich." " The commissar of caviar?" " Uh-huh." " What'd he want?" " He's got my caviar, and he wants a million dollars for it." "He gave me this." "Let me get this straight." "The commissar of caviar comes to the United States... tracks you down, lures you into a barn... then offers to sell you caviar that you've already bought and paid for?" " Filthy communist trick." " Sounds like Denisovich may have become a free agent." "Then, is it possible that the Russian that's been following Bing... could be..." "K.G.B.?" "If he is, those two other guys could be C.I.A." "Well, they certainly dress the part." "Bing, take the limo back to the office and wait for us there." "Well, where are you guys goin'?" "To have a talk with Comrade Denisovich." "There you go." "Take care." "Hey, Bing." "Perhaps I was too hasty." "Let's make a deal." "Oh." "Ah, wait a minute, fellas." "Wait a minute." "Uh, I think we're on the same side here." " What side is that?" " Well, um..." "I'm sure you're familiar with my biography." "I have been known to work for "the company" from time to time." " What company is that?" " My goodness." "You guys certainly play it close to the vest, don't you?" "What vest is that?" "Why is the great Remington Steele... looking for a pudgy, double-crossing Russian?" "Well, you know... caviar." "Kill them." "Go, go, go, go." "I'm very, very disappointed in you." " Me?" " The entire organization actually." "Oh." "I've just been going over my bill." "End table- $460." "Champagne- 225." "Apartment window." "Double bed frame." "You expect me to pay for your faulty equipment?" "It wasn't faulty until you came into contact with it." "I suppose you're gonna charge me for recovering my caviar too." " After I did all the work." " You recovered the caviar?" "Of course." "I made a deal with Denisovich." "Why else would I be discharging you?" "And as for this, you'll be hearing from my attorney." "Ah!" "Not very sturdy." "That was a Kuraya lamp." "The lampshade's replaceable, Laura." "That precious bottle of champagne is irreplaceable." "The man's a spoiled, overgrown brat." "He should be spanked." "Easier said than done." "Steele here." "They're trying to kill me!" " Where are you, Bing?" " The warehouse." "Hurry!" "They're trying to kill him." "That's because it's easier than spanking him." "Perret's warehouse, Fred." "A starter pistol?" "I knew you wouldn't come unless it was life and death." "What is it this time, Bing?" "Denisovich." "You killed this man with a starter pistol?" "No." "He was already dead when I got here." " What about the caviar?" " Gone." "It doesn't look good, does it?" " Mm-mmm." " Under the circumstances..." "I think you're going to have a very hard time... proving you didn't kill this man." "I know." "I'll go to Sri Lanka." "I'm afraid that'll only make you look more guilty." "Somebody set you up." "And good." "Any number of people could have seen you fighting with him at the polo field." "And now he turns up dead?" "In your warehouse?" "What are we gonna do?" "We?" "You fired us, remember?" "Oh, come on!" "I was just kiddin' ya." "You didn't believe that." "Did you?" "Did we?" "Come on." "Okay." "You got the door?" "You got the door?" "Fred!" "You all right, Laura?" "You're sure this is a good idea?" "Well, until we find out who killed him..." "I think it's better if Denisovich's body remains in allied hands, so to speak." "What about my car?" "It's out front." " I'll meet you back at the office." " See you later." "Freeze!" "Moscow police." "You're under arrest." " For what?" " The murder of Vladimir Denisovich." "Oh, God, he knows!" "He knows!" "Shut up, Bing." "Shut up." "Uh, look, the name's Remington Steele." "I'm a private investigator." "This is my client, Bingham Perret." " Bing." " Shut up." "Turn around." " Hands against this box." " Oh." "Save your breath for the boys in blue, huh?" "Stop them!" "What do you mean you don't have any change?" "I just have bills." " You?" " Never carry change." "Too noisy." "$1,400 between us, and we don't have a quarter to make a phone call?" "Oh, come on." "Get out of here." "Will you move?" "Just move." "Quick, Bing." "Come on." "Quick." "In here." "Get up." "Get up." "Get up." "That's it." "Okay." "Get down." "Come on." "Come on." "Oh, Bing" " Ooh!" "God!" "Now, will you just walk with me, Bing?" "Just walk with me." " We're going to your office?" " No." "That's the first place they'll check." "Moscow Vice knows who I am." "We gotta do something." "We gotta get these things off." " We can't spend the rest of our lives like this." " Will you just stop whining?" " It only makes it worse." " Martin Rome!" "His office isn't too far from here." "He'll get these cuffs off." "And then we can call Miss Holt from there." "For the first time, you've come up with a plan that makes semi-sense, Bing." "Uh-oh." "Bing, run with me." " Climb, damn it." " I am, damn it." "Come on." "Travel itinerary of Marshall Perret." "Bingo." "I'm gonna cancel his flight reservation to Singapore... and reroute him from..." "Sri Lanka to Kashmir." "Do as told, nobody gets hurt." " Who's he?" " K.G.B." "Wrong." " Wrong?" " Ivan Strelnikov." "Moscow Police." " Where is Steele?" " Out." " Why?" " Vladimir Denisovich is dead." "His body gone." "Steele has, uh, explaining to do." "What makes you think Mr. Steele had anything to do with it?" " Intuition." " Listen, mister..." "I don't know how you do things in Moscow, but here in Los Angeles" "Hey." "Hey, I play by book, okay?" "I go to warehouse, but not before I call for police backup." "Then I bust Steele and Perret." "Unfortunately, Steele plays by own book." "They got away." "Apparently with body." "And I look like fool." " Mr., uh" " Strelnikov." "Strelnikov, maybe we can help each other." " How?" " Why don't you start by telling us... why you've been following Bingham Perret." "I came to America to apprehend Vladimir Denisovich." " Bingham Perret was only lead." " Denisovich defected, huh?" "No." "No." "That's what crawls under my skin." "He had plenty opportunity." "He was no good." "And Bingham Perret, I believe, was on cahoots with him." "What is it exactly you think they were up to?" "Denisovich was commissar of caviar, okay?" "One day he disappears from Russia without trace." "Next day, we get cables, telex, collect calls from Bingham Perret." "No caviar." "No Denisovich." "What would you think?" "How did you happen to show up at Perret's warehouse tonight?" " Got hot tip." " From whom?" " A friend of Mother Russia." " Does Mother's friend have a name?" " Martin Rome." " Rome?" "Martin Rome." "The guy who owns the caviar emporiums?" "How did he know Denisovich was at the warehouse tonight?" "How did Rome know that he was looking for him?" " Apparently there's more to Rome than meets the eye." " Forget Rome!" "I want murderer of Vladimir Denisovich." "We want the same thing." "And I think I know where to start looking." "You ought to join forces." "Maybe work on this thing together?" " East and West?" " Left and right?" "What do you say?" "How do I know I can trust you?" "The same thing occurred to me." "What's it like?" "In Moscow, I mean." "Pretty much same as here." "Uh, look, you have crime problem." "We have crime problem." "You have, uh, Mary Lou Retton." "We have Olga Korbut." "Rich and poor" " They have long history on both sides of Iron Curtain." "Did you, um... ever think about" "What, defecting?" "No." "I have good life." "Good life." "Russians are a stoic "broad. "" " Breed." " Yeah." "We make do." "We have our vodka, television." "And that makes you happy?" "What, Russian television?" "Uh, mostly we watch, uh, smuggled American programs on smuggled Japanese VCRs." "It is the modern craze." "We have all the latest American police dramas." "M Squad." "Racket Squad." "Mod Squad." "And the best of all- Highway Patrol." " 10-4." " 10-4?" "Yeah." "Broderick Crawford." "What a guy." "Sounds like you're lucky to be alive." "Well, sometimes I wonder." "Thank you very much." "I don't mean to appear hasty, Mr. Rome... but would you mind, um" "Say no more, Mr. Steele." "Say no more." "Wade, Smokey." "Maybe you should call Miss Holt, let her know we're in safe hands." "I understand you've already had the pleasure." " They work for you?" " Surprised?" "Uh, enlightened actually." "I thought they were the C.I.A." "What are you talking about?" " We can stop looking for the caviar." " We can't stop now!" "Bing, Mr. Rome has your caviar." " He does?" " I gotta tell you, Bing... you may be the worst thing that ever happened to your father... but you're the best thing that ever happened to me." " We're in trouble, aren't we?" " You catch on quick, Bing." " I like that in a client." " Put 'em on ice." "Ah, hey, hey." "Easy." "Easy." "Easy." "Easy." " "I-van. " - "Ee-van. "" ""Ee-van"... what do you know about caviar?" "What do you know about hot dogs?" "Mmm." "This is real McCoy." "Golden roe. 100% Russian." "Then why does the label say "100% American"?" "Laura!" " Disappointed?" " On the contrary." "Not a moment too soon." "Ivan, the handcuffs." " Ivan's on our side?" " Scary, isn't it?" "Come on!" "Think of it this way." "Martin Rome approaches the commissar of caviar" "Denisovich." "Cons him into rerouting your caviar through Bulgaria to him... for a price, of course." "Mr. Rome gets rid of the middleman- that's you, Bing- increases his profits." "Denisovich leaves Soviet Union." "Becomes big American millionaire." "Only Martin Rome never intended to pay up." "He must have figured Denisovich would never get out of Russia to come collecting." "He is treacherous man, this Martin Rome." "He was my best friend." "Bing, every year you invite your buyers to a charity event... so they can sample the season's caviar and place their orders, right?" " So?" " This year, in Rome's tent... your buyers will be able to nibble American caviar... that rivals the best Russian caviar they have ever tasted." " Because what they are eating will be Russian." " Exactly." "Martin Rome convinces all of your buyers to do business with him... by convincing them all that American caviar is just as good as Russian caviar." "And better because it's cheaper." "Six months down the road, you're out of business, Russia's in trouble... and Rome has made tremendous inroads into the caviar business." "This man is enemy of the people." "He must be stopped." "Well, well." "Don't this beat all." "Pulled over by a blimp and a broad." "Let me see your registration." "What's the matter?" "Don't they got a weight limit on cops no more?" "My brother's the commissioner." "You wanna make somethin' out of it?" "Okay, tough guy, out of the truck." " Hey, come on." " Out of the car, pinhead!" "We're taking you in on suspicion of driving a stolen vehicle." " What?" " Read him his rights." "You have the right to remain silent." "That's it?" "What do you want, the Magna Carta?" "Let's go, pal." "Come on." "I gotta be somewhere in an hour." "Wh-What about my truck?" "We'll have it towed to the impound lot." " Ow!" " Well, move over then." "You know, Ronald... we're supposed to get off at 3:30 today." " So?" " So, if we take this guy down and book him... we'll have to write up a report." "By the time we get out of there, it'll be 9:00." "What do you say, uh, we turn the other cheek on this one, huh?" "Well, my brother is the commissioner." "I won't get in any trouble." "What the heck." "Stay off my beat, punk." "Let's get these costumes back to the studio." "You're more clever than I thought." "On or off the field?" "Both." "Hyah." "Where the hell have you guys been?" "You had an 11:00 call." "Uh, we, uh, had a little trouble with, uh  with wardrobe." " Right." "Geez, I asked for a white cop and a black cop, and what do I get?" "Doesn't anybody read scripts around here?" "Yeah, they're here." "Just stay out of the way until I call you." "Can you do that?" "Come on." "Let's get out of these uniforms." "I'll call Fred." "He'll pick you up... take you back to the agency." "Mr. Steele and I will take care of Martin Rome." " Don't you think I ought to be there?" " Too dangerous." "Rome's men will be looking for you." "I have a confession to make." "Believe it or not, it's not easy being me- living in Daddy's shadow, following in his footsteps." "I know he means well, but the problem is he's overbearing." "I've never had to do anything for myself in my life." "I don't know how to do anything." "I couldn't do anything if my life depended on it." "Bing, I understand what you're saying, but" "All I ever wanted to be is Daddy." "And even though I know it's what he wants more than anything else... it's the one thing he'll never let me be." "So I eat." "And I'm a big spender." "And I act silly." "Well, I'm tired of it, Miss Holt." "And I've got a chance here to do somethin' about it." "And I'm not gonna pass that up." "Bing?" "Bing, open the door!" "Help!" "There's somebody in here!" "Go ahead, shoot." "You know how hard it is to stop a charging rhino?" "You may get me, but not before I maul you." "Shut up and die." "Oh, thank God!" "I thought he was gonna shoot me!" "I'll have my day yet, Steele." " I always do." " I wouldn't bet on it." "Not just yet anyway." "Come on." "It's a ball bearing!" " Bulgarian, I believe." " Don't be absurd." "Look out." "Look." "Excuse me." "Move." "Move." "Mind your dresses, ladies." "Coming through." "Come on." "Mind your backs." "Come on." "Come." "Ah!" " Mr. Steele!" " I know." "Put it on your bill." "Oh.!" "Come on, Bing." " Oh." " I'm scared." " I can't do it." " Of course you can." "There's an old Somali proverb, Bing." "A brave man is afraid of a lion only three times in his life- when he first sees the tracks, when he first hears it roar... and when he first looks it in the eye." "Stiff upper lip and, uh, watch your backside." "Eh?" "Eh?" "There we go." "Daddy- Dad." "I think it's time we had a man-to-man talk." "There's got to be some changes around here." "I love that about the lion, chief." "Gregory Peck to Robert Preston." "The Macomber Affair." "United Artists, 1947." "Peck plays a safari guide." "Preston, a big game hunter." "Preston was killed in that, wasn't he?" "Hmm?" "Oh, minor plot point, Laura." "Shall we?" "Hey, come on." "Ah." "Oh." "Mm-hmm." "Here we go." "Ahh." "Oh." "Uh, yeah?" "Oh." "Hi." "Hi." "Ivan is on his way home." "Champagne?" "Ooh!" "Oh." "I" " I thought you were gonna stay around a few days..." " go to Disneyland." " Oh, change in plans." "They want to give me medal for saving reputation of Russian government." "Oh, it seems you've become a national hero." "Prefer to have raise." " I'll drink to that." " Yeah." "To better relations between our two countries." "Uh-huh." "I was thinking of better relations closer to home." " Bottoms up?" " Cheers." " Tovarich." " Na zdorovje."