"AUTHOR'S VOICE:" "Dear reader, this little book is designed to explain everything you need to know about the science of getting ahead in business." "Your first step is to memorize all the simple rules in the chapters which follow." "If you have education, intelligence and ability, so much the better." "But remember that thousands have reached the top without any of these qualities." "If you are anxious to rise quickly and easily to the top of the business world, the time is now." "Strike while the iron is hot." "Are you ready?" "I'm ready!" "Good." "You are about to begin your swift and daring rise to the top." "(SINGING) How to apply for a job" "How to advance from the mail room" "How to sit down at a desk" "How to dictate memorandums" "How to develop executive style" "How to commute in a three-button suit" "With that weary executive smile" "This book is all that I need" "How to, how to succeed" "How to observe personnel" "How to select whom to lunch with" "How to avoid petty friends" "How to begin making contacts How to..." "AUTHOR'S VOICE:" "How to choose the right company." "Before applying for a job, make sure the company is a large one." "This is essential." "It should be at least large enough so that nobody quite knows exactly what the other fellow is doing." "Here!" "Here!" "Somebody, here, here!" "You fellows." "Denver has run out of wickets!" "Call the World Wide Wicket Factory." "Have them send 50,000 two-toned wickets at once!" "Don't argue with me!" "Do you want me to have another nervous breakdown?" " Who in the hell is that?" " Where the hell is the factory?" "What the hell is a wicket?" "The right company!" "This book is all that I need" "How to, how to succeed" "(ALL CLAMOURING)" "Never mind, never mind!" "Leave me alone." "I'm all right." "Everybody back to work." "Come on." "Back to work." "Back to work!" "Did you hear me?" "I said everybody back to work!" "Sorry that I bumped into you, sir, but I'd like to apply for a job." " A job?" "Do you know who I am?" " No, sir, I..." "I'm J.B. Biggley, the president of this company." "That's who I am." " In fact, that's who the hell I am." " Oh, my." "How dare you come to the president of the company and ask for a job!" "Why do you think I have a personnel man?" "Why do you think I have a whole damn personnel department?" "Son, you bumped into the wrong man." "Damn, damn, coal-burning, dithering, ding, ding, ding." "Ding, ding, ding, ding" "You just committed industrial suicide, boy." "That's the big fellow." "(EXCLAIMS)" " Hello." " Hello." "Did you hurt yourself when you fell down?" "No, no." "I'm all right." " I know how hard it is to..." " What?" "I said I know how hard it is to find a job." "I've been through that kind of thing myself." "Well, thank you, you're very kind." "Could you tell me where the personnel office is?" " Personnel?" " Yes." " Well, it's right there." " Thank you." "Well, listen!" " What?" " You mean, you're not discouraged?" "Oh, no, not at all." "I'm prepared for exactly this sort of thing." "Say, my friend Smitty works in personnel." "Maybe she can help you." " She's around somewhere." "I'll find her." " No!" " Wait right there." " That's not necessary." " Please!" " You don't have to go through... (SIGHS)" "Where do you think you're going?" "Just to see the personnel manager." "I'm the personnel manager." "We're not hiring anyone." "Well, I was just speaking to Mr. Biggley." " Biggley?" " Yes, sir." " J.B. Biggley?" " Yes, sir." "He told me to see you." "You were speaking to J.B. Biggley himself?" "Yes, sir, I just bumped into him." "He's a friend of yours?" "Well, sir, I don't think a man should trade on friendship to get a job." "By George, I like a man who stands on his own two feet." " My name is Bratt." "You're..." " Finch, sir." "Pierrepont Finch." "Pierrepont." "Come in, Pierrepont." "You know, maybe that ought to be J. Pierrepont Finch." "(LAUGHING)" " As a matter of fact, sir, it is." " Oh." "Good gad, Rosemary." "You could at least let me finish my Metrecal." "What's the big, urgent urgency?" "Oh, he has that woebegone look." "A PUPPY DOG" "Well, you could just tell he'll never get anywhere." "I just figured you could introduce him..." "Well, where'd he go?" " Well, now, how should I know?" " Rosemary, what's got into you?" "Yeah, wherefore is this creep any different from all other creeps?" "He's not a creep!" "Smitty, he has a sort of undaunted sort of noble courage." "Yet, deep down, you sense he's a helpless little muffin." "(BRATT LAUGHING) the man in the manhole cover." "That's rich, a good one." "Well, it's all settled, then." "Nice to have you aboard, Finch." "Well, I'm happy to ship out with you, sir." "Really." "You don't have a..." "Oh, yes, yes." "Let me do that for you." " Is that the..." " Helpless little muffin." "My secretary will fill out the forms." "Oh, Smitty?" " Yes, Mr. Bratt?" " This is our new Mr. Finch." " Hello, there." " My name is Pilkington." " Rosemary Pilkington." " Hello." "Hi." "I'm Lucille Krumholtz." "Mr. Finch will be starting out in our mail room." "Glad you don't mind that, Finch." "Oh, sir, in a big pond like this everyone must begin as a little fish." " Even a barracuda." " What'd you say?" "Say, Bud." "Have you guys in the mail room sent out those new wicket catalogues yet?" "I don't know." "I'm going to the barbershop to get a scalp massage." "At this time of the morning?" "Why?" "Because I'm the bosses nephew." "(GIGGLING)" " Excuse me." " Oh, Bud." "This is Bud Frump, Mr. Biggley's nephew." "Say hello to our new Mr. Finch." "He'll be working with you in the mail room." "Hello, Finch." "I'm Bud Frump, Mr. Biggley's nephew." "Hello, how do you do?" " Smitty?" " Yes, Mr. Bratt?" " Get Mr. Finch's vital statistics." " Yes, Mr. Bratt." "Nice to have you on the team, Finch." "Well, good to be playing with you, sir." " Are you ambitious, Finch?" " No, not necessarily." "Good." "You just keep that in mind." "If you just remember who I am and who you are, we'll get along fine." "If not..." "You'll go crying to your uncle." "I beg your pardon?" "I do not go crying to my uncle!" "It just happens that my mother is Mrs. Biggley's sister." "If I feel that something's wrong, I phone my mother." "She phones Mrs. Biggley, and Mrs. Biggley phones Mr. Biggley." "That's the democratic way." "You don't have to worry about Bud Frump." "Every company has a couple of relatives floating around." "Smitty, you were going to get Mr. Finch's vital statistics." "Oh, yes." "Now then, Mr. Finch, the first question is..." " Are you married?" " Married?" "No." "I'm not, and I don't even have a girlfriend." " Good!" " Good." "I mean, it's very good that you answered with the right answer." " For the questionnaire, that is." " Yes, it is." " I mean, it's not very wise to have a girl." " No, it isn't." "Well, I'm glad you understand that, Miss Pilkington." "Some women wouldn't." "See, I feel that when a man wants to rise in the world of business, a girl, or well, let's say an emotional involvement, can only lead to getting involved emotionally." " What the heck was that?" " That's very intelligent, Mr. Finch." " Are you quite finished with Mr. Finch?" " For the moment." " Irving!" " What?" "Take Mr. Finch here down to the mail room and introduce him to Mr. Twimble." "You can fill in the personnel forms later." " Come on, Finch." " Okay." "Oh, well, good luck, Mr. Finch." "Thank you, Miss..." "Pilkington." "Rosemary Pilkington." "Pilkington." "Rosemary Pilkington." "Come on, Finch." "Poor baby." "He looks so utterly vulnerable." "They'll eat him alive in this jungle." " Coffee break!" " WOMAN:" "Well, it's about time!" "(ALL CLAMOURING)" "TWIMBLE:" "Just take care of the executive mail!" "That's all you gotta take care of!" "MAN:" "Look, look, don't worry!" "I'm doing the very best I can, Mr. Twimble!" "Well, don't argue with me!" "Just get the executive mail out." " That's all you've got to worry about!" " MAN:" "Yeah." "Lemon drops?" "Where did these lemon drops come from?" "Oh, they're mine, Mr. Twimble." "I just thought I'd share them with our mail room family." " But lemon is my favourite drop." " Oh, I'll be darned." " Finch?" " Yes, sir?" "I've been watching you this first morning here, and I'd like to say I'm very pleased with your work." "Well, thank you, sir." "That's exceptionally kind of you." "You know, I..." "Well, I try to fit in." "No, no, it's more than that, Finch." "You have an inborn gift for mailroomery." "Well, thank you..." "Oh, excuse me, sir." "Hello, mail room." "Hold the line." "Mr. Twimble, it's for you." "It's Mr. Bratt, in personnel." "This may be a very important call for some of us!" "Hello?" "Good morning, Mr. Bratt!" "Oh, yes, yes." " Hey, what's the idea?" " What's the idea of what, Bud?" "You!" "You're trying to butter up Mr. Twimble." "Well, believe me, it won't do you any good." "Good gosh, Bud!" "Just because I'm being nice to an older man..." "I know what you're up to, Finch, and if anybody's gonna get his job..." "Thank you, Mr. Bratt." "Thanks very much." "Well, boys, it looks as if they're finally gonna promote old Twimble to the shipping department." " Congratulations." " Yeah, congratulations." "But who's gonna be new head of the mail room?" "Mr. Bratt is gonna leave the choice to me." ""Twimble," he said, "the mail room is the nerve centre" ""of this mighty organization."" ""You've been an outstanding mail room head."" ""We want you to choose your successor."" ""We want you to choose him on merit." "On merit alone."" "That's not fair!" "I'm going out to have a smoke." "Smoke?" "He's gonna call his mother." "Well, it won't do him any good." "Bratt said I was gonna select the new head of this department." "(TWIMBLE CHUCKLES)" " Mr. Twimble?" " Yeah?" "You've been with this company a long time now, haven't you?" "A long time." "Last month I became a quarter-of-a-century man." "Oh, that's beautiful." " A quarter of a century?" " Quarter of a century." "How long have you been in the mail room?" "25 years." "It's not easy to get this medal." "Takes a combination of skill, diplomacy and bold caution." "(SINGING) When I joined this firm as a brash young man" "Well, I said to myself" "Now, brash young man Don't get any ideas" "Well, I stuck to that and I haven't had one in years" "You play it safe" "I play it the company way" "Wherever the company puts me There I'll stay" "But what is your point of view?" "I have no point of view" "Supposing the company thinks" "I think so, too" "Well, now, what would you say if..." "I wouldn't say, I wouldn't say." "Your face is a company face" "It smiles at executives Then goes back in place" "The company furniture" "Oh, it suits me fine" "The company letterhead" "A valentine ls there anything you're against?" "Unemployment" "When they want brilliant thinking from employees" "That is no concern of mine" "Suppose a man of genius makes suggestions" "Watch that genius get suggested to resign" "So you play it the company way" "Oh, company policy is, by me, okay" "You'll never rise up to the top" "But there's one thing clear Whoever the company fires" "I will still be here" "Oh, you certainly found a home" "It's cosy" "Your brain is a company brain" "The company washed it Now I can't complain" "The company magazine" "Boy, what style, what punch" "The company restaurant" "Every day, same lunch" "Their haddock sandwich, it's delicious." "Oh, I must try it." "Early in the week." "Do you have any hobbies?" "I've a hobby I play gin with Mr. Bratt" "Mr. Bratt" "And do you play it nicely?" "Play it nicely" "Still, he blitzes me in every game like that" "Why?" "'Cause I play it the company way" "The company way." "Yes!" "Executive policy." "Executive policy is, by me, okay" "How can you get anywhere?" "Junior, have no fear" "Whoever the company fires I will still be here" "You Will Still be here" "Year after year after fiscal" "Never take a risk all year" "All right." "I'll get this out as soon as I can." "Not as soon as you can!" "I want it by noon, Miss Pilkington!" "Yes, sir." "Wow." "Hi." "Do you work for Mr. Ovington, Miss..." "Pilkington." "You can call me Rosemary." " Okay, hi, Rosemary." " Hi." "How's it going, Mr. Finch?" "Oh, why don't you call me Ponty?" "Okay, Ponty." "I like that." "How's it going?" "Oh, pretty good." "I'm just delivering the executive mail." "Sort of getting the feel of the place." "But everybody's so busy." "They don't even notice me." " Oh, they will, Ponty." "You just be patient." " Patient?" "Patient?" "Do you realize that I've been working here for two full hours now." "I know, Ponty." "I haven't forgotten." " Oh, here." " What?" "Happy two-hour anniversary." " Thank you." " Welcome." " At least you noticed me." " Well, I wish I were an executive." "I'd..." "MISS JONES:" "Mr. Andrews..." " Here comes the mother of us all." " What?" "That's Miss Jones, Mr. Biggley's secretary!" "The meeting may be delayed about 10 minutes." " I'll check with J.B. and let you know." " ANDREWS:" "Thank you very much." " I'll see you later, Rosemary, all right?" " Okay." "Bye-bye." " FINCH:" "Good morning." " Good morning, Ponty." "Pardon me, ma'am, but you should be wearing this." "It..." "Well, it goes with your hair." " Young man." " Yes?" "You just want me to have this flower?" "You don't know who I am?" "It doesn't matter." "What matters is the flower." "It seemed to cry out to be worn by you." " Young man." " Yes?" "I'm Miss Jones, Mr. J.B. Biggley's secretary." " Oh, no!" "No." "You couldn't be." " Why not?" "Well, from Bud Frump's description of you, I'd never have..." "I mean..." "Well, you..." " You're not a frightening person." " Thank you." "And if it's not out of place for me to say so, Miss Jones," "I think you're a very attractive person, no matter what Bud Frump says." "What did you say your name was?" "Finch." "F-I-N-C-H." "Finch." "Pierrepont Finch." "Why haven't I seen you around here before?" "Well, I'm not supposed to deliver the executive mail." "That's his job." "Bud Frump." "F-R-U-M-P." " Hmm." " Mm-hmm." "Well, thank you for the flower, Finch." "You're a very interesting young man." "You're welcome, Miss Jones." "Say, Jonesie, I'd like an appointment with the boss at around 3:00." "I'll check his calendar and let you know, Milt." "Flowers." "Got a new boyfriend, Jonesie?" "This was given to me by a very nice young man." " You should know him." "Finch?" " Yes, ma'am?" "Finch, this is Mr. Gatch." " How are you, son?" " Hi." "How do you do?" "Mr. Gatch is a good man for you to know." "His department is very important." "Listen, I know all about Mr. Gatch." "He's manager of executive personnel placement." "Wonderful memo that you put out this morning, sir, about that executive personnel placement service." "You read the memos?" " Well..." " And your name is..." " Finch." "F-I-N..." " c+I." "Yes, C-H." "Say, Jonesie, this is a smart one." "We'll have to keep an eye on him." "(FINCH CHUCKLES)" "That's a very fine man, Mr. Gatch." "I hear he has a fine opening in his department." "Yes, but he hasn't been able to make up his mind." "Well, again, thanks for the flower, young man." "You're welcome." "I caught you!" "You give me that." "Give me that!" "What are you doing?" "A fellow can't go out for a smoke without getting stabbed in the back!" " It's the executive mail!" " The executive mail is my job." "Mr. Twimble told me..." "If you have any ideas about climbing the ladder around here, Finch, the view is gonna get awfully monotonous." "Every time you look up, you're gonna see the seat of my pants." " Hiya, Jonesie." " "Miss Jones" to you, if you don't mind." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Mr. Biggley's office." "One moment, please." " Yes, Miss Jones." "What is it?" " Your wife is on Line 2, Mr. Biggley." "Tell her I'm busy." "Tell her I'm in a meeting." "Tell her I'm out." "Damn it." "Put her on." "Hello, Gertrude." "Glad you called." "What's on your mind?" " Dear, I want to talk to you about Bud." " I'm busy." " Now, Jasper, this is important." " What is it this time?" "He's heard there's going to be an opening in the mail room management." "I can't help Bud there." "The head of the mail room should choose his own successor." "You're the head of the company." "I can't switch signals in the middle of a play." " It would upset the whole team." " If you wanted to, you could!" " If I interfered, it'd be nepotism." " It would be what?" " Nepotism!" " What's nepotism?" " That's when your nephew is a damn poop." " Now, look here, Jasper..." "Oh, well, I'll do something." "I'll do something." "Damn, damn, coal-burning, dithering, ding, ding." " Miss Jones." " Yes, Mr. Biggley?" "You know that talking to my wife upsets me." "You said to put her on." "Never mind that." "I need something to calm my nerves!" "Where is my..." "You know." "I put it in the back of your right-hand drawer." "Yes, yes, yes." "Here it is." "AUTHOR'S VOICE:" "Congratulations." "You have followed instructions and have made it to the first rung of the ladder." "You are working in the mail room." "One word of caution about the mail room." "It is a place out of which you must get." "Well, Twimble, we've got great news for you!" " Yes, Mr. Bratt?" " Boys, boys, gather round." "Gather round." "Boys, as of today, your boss is being promoted to head of the shipping department." "All right, boys." "Back to work." "Back to work." "Now let's talk about your successor." "Oh, say, Mr. Bratt!" "Mr. Bratt." " Have you heard from my uncle today?" " No, Bud." "All right, Twimble, your shoes are going to be hard to fill, but who have you picked to fill them?" "Well, Mr. Bratt, I've given it a good deal of thought, and I think this is our man." " Congratulations, Finch!" " I'm going out for a smoke." " Thanks." "No, I can't accept." " Are you turning this job down?" "Yes, sir." "Look, I think there's a man who's better qualified, and a man who's been here, well, longer than I have." "Gentlemen, I recommend Bud Frump for this job." " You're kidding." " No, I'm not." "Bud Frump?" "As long as he feels so strongly about Bud," "I'll go along with the recommendation." "I gotta call my mother!" "She'll be so happy!" "I don't understand." "Yes, well, Mr. Twimble, let me explain." "Knowing you has taught me a lot about, well, the corporate set-up..." "Hello, mail room." "Oh, yes, J.B. This is Bratt." "That's the big boss." "That sister-in-law of mine has been calling my wife and giving me a bad time about Bud Frump." "I understand your problem, J.B." "Actually, we had picked someone else, but it turned out fine." "The young fellow we picked turned the job over to Bud." "He thinks Bud's better qualified." "No, he doesn't seem to be out of his mind." "He was explaining about it when you called." "Go ahead, Finch." "Mr. Twimble, the great thing that you've taught me is that no individual is as important as the whole company." "He says that no individual is as important as the company." "The whole team is greater than any single player." "The whole salad is larger than one piece of lettuce." "The whole salad..." "Oh, you can hear him." "The whole omelet is larger than one egg that you might..." " See..." " isn't that great, J.B.?" "Sort of chokes you up, doesn't it?" "His name's Finch." " F-I-N-C-H." " F-I-N-C-H." "What it means is..." "I was just going to say the very same thing, J.B.!" "We should keep an eye on that young lad." "Oh, yes." "Nice to chat with you, J.B. See you later." "Oh, Finch, you got me off the spot with Mr. Biggley." " I'm glad to be of help, sir." " Oh, that feels good." "Well, Twimble, good luck in the new job, sir." " Thanks, Mr. Bratt." " BRATT:" "Keep up the good work." " Mr. Twimble?" " Yes?" "Don't I have to take this mail up to Mr. Gatch?" " Gatch?" " Gatch." " Gatch?" "Gatch!" " Gatch." "Gatch." "Say, I just remembered something." "Gatch is looking for a bright young fellow to fill a junior executive vacancy in his department." " He is?" " Finch, I'm going to talk to him about you." "You know, Finch, your generosity and thoughtfulness may have proven a good thing for you." "Well, by George, ethical behaviour always pays, sir." "Boys and girls!" "Boys and girls!" "I want you all to meet the new head of the mail room, Bud Frump!" "I still think my original choice was better." "Now, wait a minute, Mr. Twimble." "Ponty okayed it." "Now, come on, everybody." "It's a celebration!" "We're all gonna go have lunch, and it's on me." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Boys and girls, may I have your attention, please?" "I have an announcement to make." "Mr. Gatch is taking young Finch into his department as a junior executive." "Hey, wait a minute." "Hey, just a minute." "Lunch is Dutch." "In fact, it's cancelled!" "Hey, wait, all!" "No!" "Let me down." " LUCILLE:" "Congratulations." " Thank you." "Oh, Ponty, that's wonderful!" "See, I told you to be patient." "Oh, listen, you sure were right, Rosemary." "Well, you should have someone around all the time to help you think things out." " Well, maybe I should." " Well, Ponty, I'm always available." "Oh, listen." "You sure are wonderful, Rosemary, and one of these days, really, I hope that I can show my appreciation." "Lunch." "I said lunch." " What about lunch?" " I'd love to!" "(SIGHING)" " You'd love to what?" " You said, "What about lunch?"" "Gee, I thought you'd never ask me." "Now, let's see, where shall we go?" "See, I know this little tea room." " Wait, you said lunch..." " A very cute place called the Hungry Tea." "It's very reasonable." "I'll get my things and meet you at the elevator." "Rosemary, look!" "I didn't mean, "What about lunch?"" "I meant, "What about lunch?"" "Finch." "Yes, come along." "I'll show you to your new desk." "Lunch." "Yes, Finch, if you work hard, keep your nose to the grindstone, there's no telling how far you can go with this company." "By the way, this'll be your new desk, right here." "All right, men." "Your attention, please." "I'd like to have you meet the newest member of the junior executive pool." "J. Pierrepont Finch." "Now, Finch, these are the fellows you'll be working with." "Hi." "Come along, Finch." "I'll buy you lunch in the executive dining room on the roof." " Wanna have lunch, Rosemary?" " No, thanks." "I'm busy." " Okay, see you later." " Okay." "Matt!" "Rosemary, hey, the most wonderful thing has happened." "Mr. Gatch, he's taking me to eat with him, up in the executives' dining room." "Well, could we make our luncheon date some other time?" "Oh, well, sure, Ponty." "Any time." " Hey, how do I look?" " Well, you look fine, Ponty." " You look fine, too." " You're just fine." " You have a good time, okay?" " Thank you." "Well, I know, but those wickets ought to be shipped." "Rosemary, seeing you always brightens my day." "Please!" "Mr. Gatch!" "I'll have to stop reading Playboy." "AUTHOR'S VOICE:" "If you have followed the simple instructions exactly as outlined, you should by now be a junior executive." "Congratulations." " Good morning, Mr. Big Shot." " Hello, Mrs. Needleman." " How are you?" " New suit, huh?" "(WHISTLES APPRECIATIVELY)" "AUTHOR'S VOICE:" "You have now occupied this position long enough." "The time has arrived for you to set your sights on your next escalation." "Be alert." "Often times it is someone only remotely connected with your company who may launch you into your next promotion." "(WOMAN SCATTING)" "(PHONE RINGING)" "Mr. Biggley's office." "He's busy on another line right now." "Who's calling, please?" "Yes, yes." "But, damn it, Gertrude," "I haven't time for this nonsense about Bud." "Yes, I know that blood is thicker than water." "But Bud Frump is thicker than anything." "I'll promote him when I'm ready." "Now, you listen to me, Gertrude." "The next time Bud complains to his mother, and she calls you, and you call me, you're all fired." "Damn it." "(INTERCOM BUZZING)" "Yes, Miss Jones." "What is it?" "A young lady on Line 3, Mr. B." "She insists on speaking to you." "Says it's personal." "What does she want?" "I can't talk to every silly woman who calls the company." " What's her name?" " She said you'll know." "Hello." "You knew I wouldn't forget." "I'll take care of everything." "Just a moment." "Miss Jones, get me Bratt in personnel right away." "There, you see?" "It's all set." "Come in any time you like." "Ask for the personnel manager." "His name is Bratt." "He'll take care of everything." "Goodbye." "Bratt, this is J.B." "I'd like you to do me a favour." "I wonder if you could find a spot for a young lady?" "She wants to be a secretary." "She's an old friend of the family." "Dad was a classmate of mine at Old Ivy." "She's a bright girl, got a good head on her shoulders." "Her name?" "LaRue." "Hedy LaRue." "May ' help you. honey?" "Sea-roe." " Did you wish to see someone, miss?" " Oh, how do you do?" "I'm supposed to see a Mr. Bratt." "I'm a secretary." "Oh, I spotted that the minute she came in." " Oh, Miss LaRue." " Yes?" "I'm Bert Bratt." "I'm Bert Bratt, personnel." "Sorry to have kept you waiting." "Oh, not at all, sir." "It is I whom am late." "Oh, no, not really." "Oh, yes." "I was very naughty this morning." "I'm still not accustomed to early arisal." "(ALL CHUCKLING)" "Oh, I understand." "Well, why don't we move up to my office, Miss LaRue?" "I hope you didn't have any trouble finding the building." "Oh, no, the taxi dropped me right off downstairs." "Miss LaRue, this is my secretary." " Miss..." "Miss..." " Smith." " How are you, dear?" " Oh, fine, dear." "Mr. Bratt, I have to go down to accounting and get..." " Mr. Bratt?" " Yes, Smitty?" "I have to go down to accounting and get some withholding blanks." "Yes, yes, you do that, Smitty." "Just through here, Miss LaRue." " And we'll get all of your vital statistics." " 39-22-38." " Oh, I win the pool!" " Yeah, you always do." "Look, Bert, I really need a new secretary." "Gentlemen, Miss LaRue will be assigned according to normal office procedures as soon as her qualifications have been determined." " I'll determine them." " Count me in." "Gentlemen!" "(SINGING) A secretary is not a toy" "No, my boy, not a toy to fondle and dandle" "And playfully handle" "In search of some puerile joy" "No" "A secretary is not, definitely not, a toy" "You're absolutely right, Mr. Bratt." "We wouldn't have it any other way, Mr. Bratt." "It's the company rule, Mr. Bratt." "A secretary is not a toy" "No, my boy, not a toy" "So do not go jumping for joy" "Boy, a secretary is not" "A secretary is not" "A secretary is not a toy" "A secretary is not to be used for play therapy" "Be good to the girl you employ, boy" "Remember, no matter what neurotic trouble you've got" "A secretary is not a toy" "A secretary is not a toy" "And when you put her to use" "Observe when you put her to use" "That you don't find the name Lionel on her caboose" "A secretary is not a thing wound by key, pulled by string" "Her pad is to write in" "And not spend the night in" "Is that what you plan to enjoy?" "No" "A secretary is not ls definitely not" "Employed to do a gavotte or you-know-what" "Before you jump for JOY" "Remember this, my boy" "A secretary is not a tinker toy" "(BELL RINGING)" "Miss Jones, be sure that I call Kimball in our Texas office first thing Monday morning." "Push that board meeting up to 10:00." "By the way, did you call Mrs. Biggley and tell her I wouldn't be home for dinner?" "Yes, sir." "Incidentally, you left your golf clubs in the office." "Tomorrow's Saturday." "Remember, you're playing golf with the chairman of the board." "Yes." "I'm staying in town for the night." "I'll come down to the office and pick up the clubs in the morning." "And you asked me to be reminded about your college alumni association." "Send them that same check." "I get a kick out of thinking of their faces when they get that fat check from old "Least Likely To Succeed."" "J.B., there's a phone call for you." "Your wife." "My wife." "Damn it." "I'll take the call in your office." "That's all, Miss Jones." "Have a good weekend." "Thank you." "Same to you, sir." "Hi, Miss Jones." "Hello, Ponty." "How's the young junior executive?" "Just fine, thanks to the helpful advice that, well, I've been getting from you." " Glad our little talks have proved valuable." " They sure have." "By the way, good luck tonight at the bowling tournament." "I hear you're the best bowler on the company team." "How sweet of you to be interested in a little thing like that." "Oh, well, I'm fascinated by the hobbies of people that I like." "Would you like to come watch us bowl tonight?" "Gee, I'd love that, but I should get to bed early." "See, well, I have to work tomorrow." " On Saturday?" " Yes." "Ponty, you're a very unusual boy." "You'll go far." "Miss Jones, you know, that means a lot, your saying that." "You're Mr. Biggley's secretary." "He's the man that I most want to emulate." "He's so capable, and he's thoughtful." "I heard him remembering to send a cheque to his old school and all." " Harvard, isn't it?" " Harvard?" "Don't ever let J.B. hear you say that." "He's a Ground hog." "But where'd he go to college?" " Old Ivy." " Old Ivy." " They're the Ground hogs." " Ground hogs." " Well, good night, Ponty." "See you Monday." " Ground hogs." "With the pin curls." "I can't believe her!" " Hello, stranger." " What?" " Oh, hi, Rosemary." " Hi, Ponty." " Hello, Ponty." " Yes." " Look, I was..." " Good night, Rosemary." "Oh, good night, Brenda." "See you Monday." "Well, it's been a long day, hasn't it?" " Oh, it has, a long day." " It sure has." "(FINCH CLEARING THROAT)" "Haven't seen much of you since you got your new job." "Oh, yes." "Well, you know, I've been punching pretty hard." " It's a new job and all." " Oh, sure." "A lot of new people to meet, you know." "Listen..." " Good night, Rosemary." " Good night." " Good night, Smitty." " Good night." "My!" "It's been a long day." " Oh, yeah, really long." " It has been a long one." " Say, Rosemary." " Yes?" "Where are you having dinner tonight?" " I don't know." "That depends." " On what?" "On where I'm having dinner." "Oh, no." "Well, here it is, 5:00 p.m." "The finish of a long day's work" "And there they are, both of them" "The secretary and the clerk" "Not very well-acquainted" "Not very much to say" "But I can hear those two little minds" "Ticking away" "Now she's thinking" "I wonder if we take the same bus" "And he's thinking" "There could be quite a thing between us" "Now she's thinking" "He really is a dear" "And he's thinking" "But what of my career?" "Then she says" "(YAWNING)" "And he says" "(EXCLAIMS)" "Well, it's been a long day" "Well, it's been a long, been a long, been a long, been a long day" "Now she's thinking" "I wish that he were more of a flirt" "And he's thinking" "I guess a little flirting won't hurt" "Now she's thinking" "For dinner we could meet" "And he's thinking" "We both have gotta eat" "Then she says" "And he says" " Gesundheit." " Thank you." "Well, it's been a long day" "Well, it's been a long, been a long, been a long, been a long day" "Hey!" "There's a yummy Friday special at Stouffer's" "It's $1.90 vegetable plate" "And at the bottom of the ad" "Not bad Service for two, $3.58" "To make a bargain, make a date" " Wonderful." " It's fate." "Now she's thinking" "What female kind of trap could I spring?" "And he's thinking" "I might as well forget the whole thing" "Now she's thinking" "Suppose I take his arm" "And he's thinking" "Well, really, what's the harm?" "Then she says" "You hungry?" "And he says" "Yeah." " Yeah!" " Yeah!" "Well, it's been a long day" "Well, it's been a long, been a long, been a long" "Been a long day" "Well, it's been a long, been a long, been a long" "Been a long day" " J.B.!" " Blithering, blathering!" "You've been calling your mother again." "She wants you promoted." "Well, why not?" "Other people are being promoted." " I told your aunt..." " Oh, there you..." " Good evening, Mr. Biggley." " Good evening, Miss LaRue." "Uncle Jasper, I want..." "I told you never to call me that around here." "Haven't you something to do?" " I was just gonna get my hat and go home." " Good." "Do it!" "How do you like your new job, Miss LaRue?" " It's a big fat nothing." " Hedy, don't talk like that around here!" "I thought you were gonna help me be a big businesswoman, like Helena Rubinstein or Fanny Farmer." "So what happens?" "I'm stuck in the lousy stenographic pool with no one to fish me the hell out." "But, angel, these things take time." "You have to learn..." "Yes, Miss LaRue, in a large operation like World Wide Wickets, there are multiple facets which are very important to the scheme of things." "Hedy..." "I gave up a wonderful job." "Head cigarette girl at the Copa." "I thought you hated all those men staring at you, making advances." "Well, it's no different here in big business." "At least at the Copa, when I got pinched, I got tipped." "Around here, a girl can't even bend down to pick up a pencil with confidence." "You mean, somebody's been bothering you?" "Who?" "Just let me know who it is..." "Yes!" "Miss LaRue, in a large operation like World Wide Facets, there are multiple wickets..." " Who pinched you?" " I don't care about that." "Look." "You did not keep your part of my bargain." "But, darling, I meant every word." "I'll tell you what." "I'll meet you at your place in about 10 minutes." " We'll talk everything over." " No." "But, angel..." "Yes, Miss LaRue, in a large operation like... (BUD CLEARING THROAT)" "(BUD HUMMING)" " Why don't you go home?" " I'm waiting for the elevator." " Why don't you walk down?" " It's 30 floors." " Why don't you jump?" " Oh, J.B." " A very attractive girl, Miss LaRue." " Yes, she is." "I was just trying to put her at ease." "She's a very shy person." "Yes." "Well, you just go ahead, J.B. I'm meeting Mother for dinner." "Mother just loves having dinner with me." "I tell her everything that happens all day at the office." "(SINGING) Now he's thinking" "The kid could really put me through hell" "And she's thinking" "The kid could even name the hotel" "Now he's thinking" "I wonder if he'd dare" "And she's thinking" "There's blackmail in the air" "And he says" "It's a hold-up" " And she says" " Down" "Wait a minute." "Okay, you're promoted." "Well, it's been a long, been a long, been a long" "Been a long day" "Well, it's been a long, been a long, been a long" "Been a long day" "(WHOOPS)" "Really, I mean it." "You've gotta see this." "This is my older sister, Bernice." " The one that got married at 17." " Pretty." " And that's Sam and the seven children." " Yes." "Pretty." "Seven?" " Too many?" " I didn't say that." " Not enough?" " No, I didn't say anything..." "You don't like children." "Actually, Rosemary, I come from a rather large family myself." "So..." "I know." "Six." "How'd you know that?" "Smitty had your personnel file out, and she was just checking off a few things..." " Maybe we'd better order." " Huh?" " Maybe we'd better order." " Okay." "Actually, it's incumbent on big corporations to find bright, young men." "I suppose you're right." "But it's very difficult to do that, because once..." "How do you like those vegetables?" "The vegetable plate?" "Well, it's delicious." "I do my carrots in a bouillon with just a dollop of Worcestershire." " Dollop?" " It's just great." "I would really love you to come up and have it sometime." "What was I talking about?" "Before the dollop." "You take the average young person today." "I mean, the trouble is they're looking for instant poetry, instant psychoanalysis, instant mashed potatoes and instant old-fashioned love." "I mean, they don't realize that it takes..." "Takes time to establish a meaningful relationship." "Don't you agree with that, Ponty?" "Well, no." "I agree with some of that, Rosemary." "But in the world of business, I..." "I see no reason why a person has to wait years to become a success." "I don't know." "In the world of business, where older and more sophisticated..." " What's the matter?" " This is where I live." "I've got my key in here some place." "Here you go." " There." " Thank you." "Oh, you'd better give me those." "That has the key to my desk, and I lost it twice in the last..." "Oh, here, here." "Let me." "Let me get those." "Here." "Thank you." "I love to curl up in bed with a good magazine." "Don't you?" "Rosemary, this is the darnedest thing!" "You're the first girl that I've met that I feel that I can trust." "I mean, anyone who can curl up in bed with Fortune and Business Week..." " Well, that's substance." " Thank you." "Well, listen, I wanna..." "Here." "I wanna thank you for a very stimulating evening." "I don't know." "I've been enjoying myself so much with you that I've forgotten that I was depressed." "Depressed about what?" "Well, I've been working so hard and trying to do my best at the company," "I don't even have my own office yet." "Ponty, you've only been working there two days." "Yes, but I feel I'm never gonna get any place." "Ponty, some men spend years trying to accomplish what you've just done in two days." "Yes, but I'm 27 years old, and I'm only a junior executive." "I'm not getting any younger." "You've got a wonderful career ahead of you." "Oh, no." "I've lost the vision." "Well, I haven't." "Now, you listen to me, J. Pierrepont Finch." "You have" "The cool, clear eyes" "Of a seeker of wisdom and truth" "Yet there's that upturned chin" "And the grin of impetuous youth" "Oh, I believe in you" "I believe in you" "I hear the sound" "Of good solid judgement" "Whenever you talk" "Yet there's the bold, brave" "Spring of a tiger that quickens your walk" "Oh, I believe in you" "I believe in you" "And when my faith in my fellow man" "All but falls apart" "I've but to feel your hand grasping mine" "And I take heart" "I take heart" "To see" "The cool, clear eyes" "Of a seeker of wisdom and truth" "Yet with the slam-bang tang" "Reminiscent of gin and vermouth" "Oh, I believe in you" "I believe in you" " Rosemary." " Yes?" "You've given me a great idea." "Good night, Rosemary." "I'll see you Monday at the office." "Good night." "(ELEVATOR RINGING)" "(FINCH SNORING)" "Good morning!" "Oh, my gosh." "Is it morning already, sir?" "Good heavens, have you been working all night?" "Yes." "I just..." "I had some work I had to finish up." "I shouldn't be here much longer, sir." " By George, your name escapes me." " Finch." "F-I-N-C-H." "Finch." "Oh, yes, Finch." "I've been hearing good things about you from my scouts." "Oh, well, thank you very much, sir." "Good to see a man today carrying a ball." "Makes me feel a little guilty." "I just came in to pick up my golf clubs." "I have to play a couple of rounds with old Wally Womper." "He's chairman of the board, you know." "I suppose we all have to do that sort of thing once in a while." " I'll just get those clubs." " Right, sir." "(FINCH HUMMING)" "What's that you're humming?" "I didn't realize that I was humming, sir." "You were humming the Old Ivy fight song." " Did you go there?" "Were you a Ground hog?" " Oh, well, sir..." "Say it." "Out with it." "You're not ashamed of Old Ivy, are you?" " No, sir!" "Not a bit!" " That's the Ground hog spirit." "I should have known you were Old Ivy!" "What year?" " What?" " Finch, when did you graduate?" "Oh, I'm sorry, sir." "I was thinking about the big game today." "I'm sorry I have to miss it, but we're playing the Chipmunks." "Yes, I know." "I can't make it either." "I hope those damned Chipmunks don't give us too much trouble." "No, I think we'll take 'em, sir." "Charnowsky's knee, you know, is..." "Well, it's much better." "Yes, with Charnowsky back in there, the team's morale should pick up." "He's the dirtiest player we've got." "Yes." "And even though we're not there in person," " well, we'll be rooting for 'em, right?" " Right!" " (SINGING) Ground hog" " Ground hog" "Stand, Old Ivy" "Stand firm and strong" "Grand Old Ivy" "Hear the cheering throng" "Stand, Old Ivy" "And never yield" "Rip, rip, rip" "The Chipmunk off the field" "When you fall on the ball" "When you're down there at the bottom of the heap" "Down at the bottom of the heap" "Where the mud is, oh, so very, very deep" "Down in the cruddy, muddy deep" "Don't forget, boys That's why they call us" "They call us Ground hog, Ground hog" " Stand, Old Ivy" " BIGGLEY:" "Ground hog, Ground hog" " Stand firm and strong" " Rip, rip the Chipmunk" "Grand Old Ivy" "Hear the cheering throng" " Stand, Old Ivy" " Ground hog, Ground hog" " God bless you" " And never yield" "Rip, rip, rip the Chipmunk" "Off the field" "(FINCH GASPING)" "Oh, I enjoyed that, sir." " So did I. I'll go along and get my clubs." " Oh, yes." "Yes, sir." " Bye, Finch." " Have a nice day, sir." "Twenty-five, 26,27," " 28..." " What's that you're doing?" "I'm sorry, sir." "I just want to, you know, finish this row." "I guess this looks pretty silly, but..." "Well, I find that knitting helps me think more clearly." " Well, I'll be damned." " Yes?" "Twenty-nine, 30..." " I knit, too." " You knit?" "You do?" "Yes, I've been doing it for years." "I find it's good for my nerves." " What's this going to be?" " Oh, yes." "Well, I thought I'd..." "What's it..." "Well, I thought I'd make a..." "A birdcage cover." " A birdcage cover?" " Yes, birdcage cover." "Never made one of those, but how do you like this?" "Oh, my goodness." "That is gorgeous." "It really is beautiful." "Did it all myself." "Made the covers for the golf clubs." " Pom-pom stitch." " Isn't that..." "What work." "That's lovely." "Oh, gosh." "You know, Mr. Biggley, I don't..." "You know, I feel sorry for men who don't knit." "They lead empty lives." "I like the way you think, Fink." "(FINCH SIGHS)" "No, it's, "Think, Finch."" "Think, Finch." "Think, Finch." "Where are you headed for around here?" "What's your ambition in this outfit?" "Smart fellow like you must have it all figured out." "Sir, I don't know, I'd like to be where a man could get his teeth into something, where he could do something real, solid, you know..." "Down-to-Earth." "I'd like the advertising department." " Advertising?" " Yes." "Wouldn't want that for an old schoolmate of mine." "It's too rough, too insecure." "Why, we've had 15 new advertising managers here in the past year alone." "The poor devils disappear at the rate about one a month." " Why is that?" " I fire 'em." "But, sir, if you had a man with ideas..." "Ideas?" "That's what I look for." "I keep hiring a lot of fellows who are supposed to have brilliant ideas, but not one of them will ever do what I tell him." "No, you stick to what you're doing." "You'll do all right there." "Damn fine department." "By the way, where are you?" "Where am I?" "I'm..." "Where am I?" "What is..." "It's Mr. Gatch's department!" "Damn fine man, Gatch." "Knows what he's doing." "You stick with him and I'll keep an eye on you." "Thank you, sir." "Look, you have a wonderful day on the links, all right?" " I have to finish this work before midnight." " Midnight?" " Midnight." " That's the Ground hog spirit." " (SINGING) Ground hog" " Ground hog" "Stand, Old Ivy" "And never yield" "Rip, rip, rip" "The Chipmunk off the field" "Good morning, sir." "Good morning, young man." "How do you feel?" "Well, a little fuzzy." "But don't worry about me." "I'll be fine, sir." " Keep up the good work." " Well, thank you." "Stand, Old Ivy Stand firm and strong" "Rip, rip, rip" "Why don't we have lunch someday, Finch?" "The Chipmunk off the field" "Good morning, J. B." "Damn it, Bratt." "What are we running here, a sweatshop?" " A sweatshop?" " We're working that boy too hard." " Who?" " Who?" "Finch." "F-I-N-C-H." " Oh, Finch." "I had no..." " Poor devil worked here all weekend." " All weekend?" " I ought to know." "I was there with him, working side by side." " I had no idea..." " The lad needs help." "And first of all, I want him to have an office of his own." " An office, sir?" " He deserves the best you have available." " I'll get on it right away." " But nothing fancy." " Don't want him getting ideas." " No, no." "So long, fellas." "I'll never forget this junior executive pool." "I've spent some of the happiest minutes in my life here." "Where's Mr. Finch?" "Ponty, you've got your first office, and it's just beautiful!" " Oh, thank you." " Here." "Oh, that's sweet." "Here." "Oh, please." "Please." " Sit." "Sit." " Thank you." "What do you think?" "I mean, it's..." "It's not bad considering, you know, I did want my name on the office door, but I decided not to ask, 'cause there's no door." "Well, it's beautiful, and it's yours." "Oh, yes." "Listen, Ponty, I just came by to tell you that" "I had a real good time the other night." "Oh, me, too." "Listen, I enjoyed the conversation." " I guess I talk too much." " Well, I liked it." "But just one thing, Ponty, sort of bothers me." " What?" " About what happened later." "I mean, you know, when we said good night." "I know it was our first date, and I don't want you to get the wrong impression of me, but, well," "I guess it's only natural for a fella to try to get a little fresh with a girl and make a pass at her." "But you didn't do anything." "(SIGHS)" "Well, I had to get up early." "Sir..." "Miss." "I'm Miss LaRue, honey." "Yes, well, I don't..." "What can I do for you?" "A secretary was ordered to be assigned to you." "I'm your assignation." "(FINCH EXHALES)" "You didn't tell me you were getting a secretary." "I just found out myself." "I don't know..." " Rose..." " Well, happy dictation, Ponty." "Bye." "(FINCH CLEARING THROAT)" "I don't know." "Oh..." "Won't you sit down, Miss LaRue?" " Thank you." " Yes." "Yes, now, Miss LaRue..." "Oh, just call me Hedy." "Well, yes, but I think that perhaps, you know, in a business relationship..." " You're cute." " Excuse me a moment." "AUTHOR'S VOICE:" "Choosing a secretary can be fraught with peril." "Take a good look at the young lady who has been assigned to you." "(EXCLAIMING)" "If she is so attractive that you feel things are too good to be true, be very careful." "It may be that one of the big men in the company is interested in her career." "There's a simple test for this." "Check on her secretarial skill." "The smaller her abilities, the bigger her protector." "Yes." "(CLEARING THROAT)" "Miss LaRue, let's try some dictation." "Take a letter for me." " Shoot." " Yes, this is to Mr. Gatch." "Dear Mr. Gatch..." "Pursuant" "to our discussion of..." "Wait a minute." "You trying to catch a train?" "Miss..." "Hedy." "What..." "What are you taking this down in?" "Longhand." "It's safer." "I make up for it when I type." " Oh, I see." "Oh, you type fast, huh?" " Like a jack rabbit." "Twelve words a minute." "Miss LaRue." "Hedy." "Tell me something." "I'd like to know." "What..." "Now, what was your last position?" " I was in the tobacco business." " In the tobacco business." " But then Mr. Biggley..." " Biggley?" "Was interested in wickets, so I matriculated myself into business school and..." " Well, here I am." " Oh, yes, you are." "Yes, yes." "Go ahead, dictate some more, I'm gonna like this jazz." "Miss LaRue." "Hedy." "Look, put the letter aside for a moment." "I want you to do me a favour." " I have a very important job for you now." " Oh, good." "I want you to take this in to Mr. Gatch." " Mr. Gatch." " Now, Mr. Gatch, he's my boss." " Yeah." " Wait a minute." "I want you to give it to Mr. Gatch himself, all right, Hedy?" "Did you get that?" "Fine." "Hedy?" " Personally." " Okay, Charlie." " Mr. Gatch." " Yes?" "I'm Mr. Finch's secretary." "This." "Miss!" "Miss!" "Miss!" " What are you doing tonight?" " I've got a date with my gentleman friend." "Oh, come on." "You're in the big time now." "Don't fool around with small fry." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello, Mr. Finch's office." "It's the production department." "Hello." "Finch." "No, no." "I'm running executive personnel placement department now." "Oh, you want to speak to Mr. Gatch?" "Well, no, he's been transferred to one of our out-of-town offices." "Venezuela." "AUTHOR'S VOICE:" "Very Well, then." "It is time now to look to your next step up the ladder." "This is an important step." "Weigh carefully the next position you want to obtain." "Miss Krumholtz, take a memo for me, please." "Yes, I was just straightening up your desk for you." "That'll wait." "This is an interoffice memo to all departments." "We are reassigning Mr. J. Pierrepont Finch to the World Wide Wicket advertising department." "Signed, manager, executive personnel placement." "Who the hell put through this assignment?" "I didn't order any help." " Who are you, anyway?" " Well, Finch, sir." "J. Pierrepont Finch." "I am the one who decides if this department needs replacement personnel." "And if I need them, I pick them." "Me, personally." "Some silly boob sends through a damn memo and just dumps you in my lap." "Well, no, thank you." " Watch it, will you?" " Excuse me." " Hi, Rosemary." " What are you playing, musical offices?" "Listen, I can't explain now, but I won't be able to have lunch with you today." " I have this meeting..." " Finch!" "Are you listening?" "Yes, sir, Mr. Ovington." "I heard every word you said, sir." "Who the hell transferred you into this department?" "Well, it was the manager of executive personnel placement." " Who is he?" "What's his name?" " No." "He..." "Sir, he's not there anymore." "He's been transferred to..." "Damn system." " Damn corporate procedures." " I agree with you, Mr. Ovington." "Why, it's criminal the way they shift personnel without checking." "But I just want to say, since they have made this..." "This dreadful reassignment," "I promise you I'll..." "I promise." "I'll do my best to make you happy with me, sir." "(SNORING)" "Oh, really." "(OVINGTON SCOFFING)" "MAN: planned so that it will take in all countries in Europe and the Near East." "Hedy?" "Personally." "Okay, Charlie." " Hello, there." " Who sent you with this?" " What happened?" " He wants to see you, personally." "(OVINGTON CLEARING THROAT)" "Sit down, Finch." "Oh." "Thank you, sir." "Yes?" "Finch, I've been watching you for these last two days." "Would you like to know my appraisal of you?" "Well, yes, I would, sir." "Finch, you remind me of myself when I was a young man." "Well, thank you very much, that's..." "So before you try to take over my job, I'm firing you." "Firing me?" "I've already put the papers through and notified personnel." "You'll get the normal two weeks severance pay." "Oh, and the party." "I've scheduled your farewell party for tomorrow afternoon on the rooftop garden." "Well, I believe that's everything, Finch." "You may spend the rest of the afternoon cleaning out your personal belongings." "Goodbye, Finch." " Don't you feel..." " Goodbye, Finch." "Ponty, I'm terribly sorry." "I really don't know what to say." "He just fired me." "Just like that." "Everyone is just shocked." "Absolutely stunned." "I mean, you were advancing so nicely." "I don't understand it." "Do you know, he was so dispassionate and cold." "He's..." "He's the only one that I could never get an angle on." "Look, you're his secretary." "You must know one weakness that he has, some little angle that I could work on." "Ponty, I swear to you, we hardly know him." "No one knows anything about him." "He's the company mystery man." "But, hey, what about his personal phone calls?" "No, no, no." "He has a private telephone he keeps locked up in a cabinet, and his personal phone calls never go through me or the switchboard." "Ponty, you'd have to be a fly on the windowsill to learn anything about him." "But I want you to know that I'd do anything in the world to help." "Say that again." "I said I'd do anything in the world to help you." "No, before that." "What did you say?" "I said, "You'd have to be a fly on his windowsill."" "Yeah." "It should be de-accentuated." "I am very disappointed in you." " He missed the whole point." " He always does." "Here's a new approach to what we've been saying." "Well, that is more... (PHONE RINGING)" "Oh, gentlemen, would you leave me alone for a few moments?" "Yes, certainly." "Yes, yes." "We'll be outside, Burton, if you need us." "Hello?" "Yes?" "Been waiting for your call." "Yes, tonight." "I'll see you right after work." "Toodle loo" "Happy reunion." "(PARTY HORN BLOWING)" "All together now!" "Chipmunks!" "Chipmunks!" "Chipmunks, Chipmunks, sis-boom-ba!" "Chipmunk, munk, Chipmunk, Chipmunk!" "Ovington, I'm not a bigot." "I've hired men from all colleges." "Tigers, Bulldogs, Trojans, Bears, Gophers, Badgers, but never, never a Chipmunk!" "You may call the shots around here, Biggley." "But the important thing is, we Chipmunks murdered you Ground hogs in last Saturday's big game." " MAN:" "Easy." "Easy, J.B." " Get him out of here!" "Chipmunk, rah!" "Chipmunk, rah!" "Chip, chip, chip, chip, Chipmunk!" "It's all right." "Take it easy." "Take it easy, J.B." "That was a narrow squeak." "Imagine, a damn Chipmunk working right here in the building." "It was a big shock to me, sir, when I found out." "I know that." "Finch, it's a good thing you're on the ball when it comes to advertising." "Say, J.B., what are we gonna do for a new advertising manager?" "Finch, it could be fate that you discovered this before Ovington fired you." " Why, sir?" " You've always wanted this rotten job." " You think you can handle it?" " Well, I don't know, sir." "I've never had..." "If there's one thing I admire in a man, it is humility." "Finch, I'm making you vice president in charge of advertising." " Vice president?" " Easy, J.B." "I don't want to question your decision." "Finch is bright, but he's had no experience..." " I like him!" " I like him!" "We like him!" "Listen, listen, listen, the farewell party's ready, J.B." "Up on the roof, everybody." "Well, hurry, before the ice melts." "See you up there, Ponty." "Bratt, why is Finch smiling?" " Haven't you heard the news?" " Oh, no." "I don't wanna hear." " All right, the hell with you." " Ovington's out." "Finch is in." "Oh, I knew I didn't want to hear." "I knew I didn't want to hear." "Boys and girls, your attention, please." "Most of you know that this was to have been a farewell party for Mr. Finch." "I'm happy to inform you that Mr. Finch is still with us." "Not only still with us, but he is the new vice president in charge of advertising." "Let the fun and merriment continue." "On with the dance." "I told you." "That's my boy." "Who wants to dance with Hedy LaRue?" "I don't think she's feeling too well." "Have Bud take her home in the company car." "Hey, Buddy-bud." "Let's dance." "No, no, no, Hedy, no." " J.B. says you're to take Miss LaRue home." " Why?" ""She doesn't feel well."" " Okay, come on, Hedy." "Come on." " I feel fine." "No, you feel terrible." " Finch!" " Oh, yes, sir." "How does it feel to be a vice president?" "Well, sir, I feel it's one of the biggest challenges that I've ever had in my career, sir." "I think we've hit on something here, Bratt." "This boy is loaded with ideas." " Ideas?" "Tell us about them, Finch." " What have you got, Finch?" " Yes, let's hear your ideas, Finch." " Yeah, speak up, son." " Let's hear those ideas." " Well, sir..." "BIGGLEY:" "Put up or shut up, son." "Get on the ball or you're out of here like a shot!" "Well, when I present my ideas to you, sir," "I want to present a whole, clear-cut campaign, not just one little, silly little idea, sir." "Well thought out, Finch." "Say, J.B., the board meeting is set for next Monday." "Finch could present his whole clear-cut campaign at that time." " By Monday?" " Finch, I'll give you 48 hours to come up with your advertising presentation." "Better get going, Finch." "You are now vice president in full charge of advertising." "Frankly, up to now, I'm pretty dissatisfied with your work." "(ALL CHUCKLING)" "I love this floor!" "Hedy, no, it's the wrong floor." " Now, look what you did." " Catch me if you can." "Look, Hedy, I don't think this is very funny." "There's a cab waiting downstairs and I've gotta take you home." "Look, a telephone." "Upsy-daisy." "Hello, I'd like a double Martini, please, with two olives!" "J.B. says you have to go home." "No, no, no." "I'm not going home." "I'm going to J.B.'s office, because he has a private shower, and I'll take a nice, cool shower and then I'll feel fine, and I'll come back to the party." " Cha-cha-cha!" " A shower?" "A shower." "Yeah, hey, why don't you do that, Hedy?" "You go take a nice shower in J.B.'s office, huh?" "Oh, thanks, Buddy-bud." "You know, you're cute." "Not as cute as Finch, but you're cute!" "Cha-cha-cha!" "That's the most flagrant thing I ever heard." "Oh, yeah." "Come on, girls." "J.B. wants you to go down to his office." "He'll meet you there in two minutes." "I was just with J.B. Why don't..." " He didn't say anything..." " There's something big in the wind." "He doesn't want to talk about it in front of all these people." "Now, he said it's very important." "Well, I've never seen J.B.'s office, anyway." "Well, thanks, Bud." "Guess who?" " Mr. Biggley, is it..." " Surprise!" "Hedy?" "What?" "Listen, what are you doing down here?" "Oh!" "I came down to take a shower, because I got a little drunky up there." "Yes, well, I think I'd better get back then." "What's your hurry?" "It is much more fun down here." "Hedy, look." "I think I should get back..." "Don't you want to stay down here with me?" " J.B. is coming..." " Cha-cha-cha!" "Cha-cha-cha." "Listen, Hedy, please." "He's gonna walk in that door." "I've been watching you, buster." "I'm sure you've been watching..." " You're a cutey-pie." " Yes, Hedy, listen..." "If you want my opinion, you're going places." "Well..." "Yeah, Venezuela." "Hedy, please, listen..." "Wouldn't J.B. die if he came in and found you kissing me?" " Well, I'd rather he didn't, Hedy." " Come on, let's try it." " Hedy, no kisses." "He's gonna walk..." " You'd better, Finch." " If you don't kiss me, I'll tell J.B. you did." " He's gonna walk..." "(SIGHING)" "Okay, look." "Just once, then." "(FINCH MOANING)" "(SINGING) Rosemary" "Huh?" "Listen." "Listen." "Can't you hear it?" "Rosemary" " That kiss!" " What about that kiss?" "I don't know." "Rosemary." "Finchie, thinking of two broads in the middle of one kiss is dirty." "I'm sorry, Hedy, something must have happened." "I don't know, I can't explain." "It's..." "Finch, you are in love!" "(LAUGHING)" "Yes, you're right." "You're right." "Finch is in love." "It's the..." "It's like music all around me." "It's like a symphony." "I must have been in love with her all along." "You found out you were in love with Rosemary by kissing me?" "Yes, yes." ""It is a far, far better thing I do, than I have ever did before."" "(SWEEPING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)" "Suddenly, there is music" "In the sound of your name" "Rosemary" "Rosemary" "Was the melody locked inside me" "Till, at last, out it came?" "Rosemary" "Rosemary, just imagine" "If we kissed" "What a crescendo" "Not to be missed" "As for the rest of my lifetime program" "Give me more of the same" "Rosemary" "Rosemary" "There is wonderful music" "In the very sound" "Of your name" "Ponty?" "Ponty, I heard Bud Frump talking at the party." "Where is she?" "Rosemary, listen." "The most wonderful thing has happened." " What are you talking about?" " Can't you hear it?" "Can't you hear it?" " I don't hear a thing." " It's all around me." "It's..." " It's like a beautiful pink sky." " Now look here, J. Pierrepont." "Have you lost your mind?" "Rosemary, darling, will you please marry J. Pierrepont Finch?" "Now I hear it." "I hear it." "Gee, I've been so wrapped up in, I don't know, just trying to get ahead, I just never realized." "It's almost as though I'm seeing you for the first time." "Hi, Rosemary." "Well, what's the matter?" " Rosemary." " Don't let me keep you." "Go on." "Go back to making love to her." "Kiss her!" "Take her home for the weekend." "I don't care." "All right, now what'll I do?" "Let's do what she said." " Hedy, would you please stop..." " You." "Get back in the shower." "(HEDY PROTESTING)" " Get back in there." " I have nothing to hide." "Oh, yes, you have, and you keep it hidden." " You snake, kiss me." " Let me explain." " Kiss me." " What are you talking about?" "I beg your pardon." "I thought I was looking..." " Bud Frump saw..." " It's all my fault, Mr. Biggley." "I insisted that Mr. Finch show me your office." "I see." "Actually, I just came in to..." "To wash up." "Oh." "Excuse me." "Finch, I guess I owe you an apology." " You do, sir?" "For what?" " Never mind." "However, I want you to know that I do not approve of what you were doing when I walked in." "I don't care for that sort of thing between an executive and his secretary." "But Miss Pilkington won't be my secretary until Monday." "That's a good point." "You can come out now, girls." "Rosemary, I want to thank you so..." "I want to thank you for..." "Rosemary, where are you going?" "I never want to see you again." "Rosemary, come here." "Listen." "Don't you understand?" "You're going to be my secretary." "I wouldn't be your secretary, if wild horses dragged me," " I wouldn't be your secretary." " What are you talking..." " I'll take the job!" " Hedy, Hedy." "I would love that." "I really would, but Rosemary's going to be my secretary." "Now, listen to me." "Hey." "I can explain everything later about Hedy, about everything." "Don't you understand?" "I've just been made vice president in charge of advertising." "Now, you know what a tough job that is." "Hey!" "And I can only do it if I have your help." "Rosemary, I need you." "Well, when you put it that way..." "Guess I'll wait for that pigeon till after he's married." "Sure a lot of whispering going on." "It's the merchandise Mafia at work." "Ever since Finch became vice president, they're all scared out of their wits." "Yeah, human nature." "They can't wait for him to lay an egg." "What time is the big meeting this afternoon?" "4:30." "AUTHOR'S VOICE:" "So, you are now a vice president." "You have climbed the ladder of success rung by painful rung until you've almost scaled the top." "You have done beautifully, unless you are vice president in charge of advertising." "In that case, you're in terrible trouble." "There is one thing that can save you." "You must get a brilliant idea." "Now, the quickest way to get a brilliant idea is to steal someone else's." "Hi, Ponty." "I had to talk to you." " Hi, Bud." " Hey, first time I've seen your new office." "Hey, quite a layout." "My favourite style." "Chinese provincial." " Ponty, I want you and me to be friends." " Oh, Bud." "Now, come on." " You know, smoke a peace pipe." " Oh, look, would you..." " You never liked me." " Bud, now don't..." "Don't deny it." "It's true, and I don't blame you." " I've been a no-good, back biting fink!" " Oh, now, Bud, come on." "I think that puts it a bit strong." "How would you put it?" " I guess your way is best." " I wanna change all that." " Now, I know you're stuck for an idea, so..." " Wait a minute!" " I'm not stuck for an idea." " I know you're stuck for an idea." "But I'm not stuck for an idea." "I know you're stuck for an idea, and I was thinking that give away shows are coming back." "I don't need anyone else's idea." "What did you say about a give away show?" "I have this dandy idea for a give away program." " A give away program?" " Yeah." "It's called the World Wide Wicket Treasure Hunt." "A treasure hunt." "We hide a $1,000 savings bond somewhere." "And each week on television, we give clues to where it's hidden." " Like you say, you don't need an idea." " No, I really don't need it." "Let me leave it with you, and if you get a chance, look it over." "Because the meeting's in a few little while." "I mean, it's soon." "What did your uncle say when you told it to him?" "I haven't told it to J.B. If I brought it to him, he wouldn't listen." "That's why I brought it to you." "Wait a minute." "You never mentioned this to your uncle at all?" "No, Ponty." "But how can I believe that?" "An idea like this?" "No, Ponty." "Look, if you're not interested, that's one thing..." "All right, I'll..." "Well, I'll give it a bit of a think-think, you know." " Mull it around a bit." " Feel free to use it." "Treasure hunt." "Are you pregnant or something?" "Hedy, I told you never to come..." "I did not intend to embarrass you," "I just came for a business purpose." "Business?" "I wish to tender you with my resignation." "Your resignation?" "I can't believe it." "Why would you do this?" "Hedy!" "You can't do this to me." "You can't..." "J.B., J.B., J.B.!" " Oh, I'm sorry." " What the hell do you want?" "J.B., do you remember that television idea I told you about, the treasure hunt?" "I've told you what I thought of that stupid treasure hunt idea." "I just wanted to remind you that you hated it." " Out!" " You do hate it." " I said out!" " I'm going, I'm going, I'm going." "Now, what is this resignation nonsense?" "Where are you going?" "I don't know." "All I know is, I am clearing out of here!" "I am beginning to rot in that secretarial pool." "Not one person will use me as his secretary." "They stay away from me like I had an extremely tropical disease." "But, darling, just be patient." "I promise we'll find a spot for you." "Promises, promises, promises, but no action." "No, no, no." "I am fed up with that secretarial pool." "I'll give you 24 hours." "After that, it's goodbye, Wickets, hello, somebody who can do me something for real." "Hedy, on my word of honour as a gentleman," "I promise you'll be out of that secretarial pool by tomorrow!" "You'd better or else!" "(PHONE RINGING)" "Executive wash-room." "Yeah, we're all down here." "The meeting's at 4:30." "Come on down." "We'll make plans." " Big meeting today, huh?" " Yeah." "Hear anything about what Finch is planning?" "J.B. set the board meeting, so he must have come up with something." "You know, fellas, I'm getting a little afraid of Finch." "Me, too." "If we don't stop him, pretty soon..." "He'll probably have us all working in the mail room." " Good luck to us." " Hi, men!" " Hello, Bud." " Hi, Bud." "Did you hear anything?" " Chaps, our worries are over." " What do you mean?" "Oh, I'm so happy, I could cry!" "Finch is going ahead with..." " What?" " Well, believe me, he's dead, dead, dead." " Oh, I'm glad to hear that." " I don't know." "Finch has a way of bouncing." "I wouldn't believe he was dead even if I read his obituary." " Oh, you may be right." " Ordinarily, I'd agree with you." "Finch is very smart." "But let's not forget that he's now in advertising." "And that does something to men's brains." "Fred!" "Fred, I'll see you at the bus stop." "Has anybody seen my wild root cream oil?" " Hi, men." " Hello, Finch." "BRATT:" "All set for the big meeting?" "Well, could be, could be." "Wish me luck." " Good luck." " Go get 'em, baby." " Good luck." " All the best." "Lots of luck!" "(SINGING) Gotta stop that man" "I gotta stop that man" "Cold" "Or he'll stop me" "Big deal, big rocket" "Thinks he has the world in his pocket" "Gotta stop, gotta stop" "Gotta stop that man" "That man" "Now there you are" "Yes, there's that face" "That face that somehow I trust" "It may embarrass you" "To hear me say it" "But say it I must" "Say it I must" "You have the cool, clear" "Eyes of a seeker of wisdom and truth" "Yet there's that upturned chin" "And the grin of impetuous youth" "I believe in you" "I believe in you" "I hear the sound of" "Good, solid judgement whenever you talk" "Yet there's the bold, brave" "Spring of the tiger that quickens your walk" "(GROWLING)" "Oh, I believe in you" "I believe in you" "And when my faith in my fellow man" "All but falls apart" "I've but to feel your hand grasping mine" "And I take heart" "I take heart" "To see the cool, clear" "Eyes of a seeker of wisdom and truth" "Yet with the slam-bang tang" "Reminiscent of gin and vermouth" "Oh, I believe in you" "I believe in you" "Gotta stop that man" "Gotta stop that man" "Or he'll stop me" "Big wheel, big beaver" "Boiling hot with front-office fever" "Gotta stop, gotta stop" "Gotta stop that man" "Oh, I believe in you" "Don't let him be such a hero" "I believe in you" "Stop that man, gotta stop him" " You" " Stop that man, gotta stop him" " You" " Stop that man, gotta stop that" " You" " Man" "Gotta stop that man" "I've gotta stop that man" "Cold" "Or he'll stop me" "I believe in you" "I believe in you" "Right in here, boys." "Put the projection over on the rack." "Follow him." "Good afternoon." "Gentlemen..." "Thank you." "Gentlemen, I'd like to present my new approach to Wicket advertising, which, in my humble opinion, I think it's brilliant!" " Sounds promising." "Proceed, Finch." " Thank you, sir." "BIGGLEY What the hell is that?" "That is a picture of Mount Vesuvius in eruption, which gives you an idea of the impact that our new television show is going to have." "Now, J.B., the type of national publicity that you and, well, you alone can look forward to..." " The cover of TIME magazine." " Oh, yes, yes!" " Yes, and the cover of Newsweek." " Delightful!" "And finally, J.B., the golfer of the year." " Bravo, J.B., you've done it again." " Thank you." "Now, gentlemen, this is a map of the potential wicket market." "It's divided into social, geographic and ethnic groups." " ALL:" "Ethnic?" " Ethnic." "It shows how we will make deep penetration, overwhelming saturation into those areas which have long remained peakiest." " BIGGLEY:" "I like this thinking!" " Now, this is a sales chart." "This is a sales chart of the past fiscal year, which reflects the disastrous effect of our former advertising policy in terms of per capita consumption of wickets." "Now, note, gentlemen, the sharp decline from normal regularity." "Down!" "Down!" "Down!" "But this is what's going to happen to our sales after my new television program seeps into the public mind." "Up!" "Up!" "Up!" "Up!" "Up!" "Up!" "And there you have it." " Finch, I think you've done it." "Very good." " Well, thank you, sir." " Yes, yes, yes." " Can I ask a question, J.B.?" "Not "can I," damn it, "may I." You went to college." "May I ask a question?" " You may." " What's his idea?" "You heard." "It's a television show, designed to give us penetration and peak reaction." "Don't you ever listen?" "Sounds great, Finch, great." "Doesn't it, men?" "But what is his idea for the show?" "I don't see why you have to be so damned negative." "The only things you ever come up with are lousy ideas like treasure hunts!" "All right, Finch, what is the idea for the show?" "I don't think I'm going to tell it to you." "What do you mean?" "You know, J.B., look, I've..." "I've always thought of you as a man of..." "A man of perspicacity and vision." "Open to new ideas!" "But now I don't know." " I'm thrown." " By what?" "The way you talked to Bud!" "About his idea." "For a treasure hunt." "You dismissed it." "Now, there are treasure hunts and treasure hunts." "And at first, I thought Bud's idea was a rotten idea myself." "But, gentlemen, in the field of medicine, there were men like" "Hippocrates, Louis Pasteur," "Sigmund Freud, Jonas Salk." "Gentlemen, they all had brilliant ideas, but it took modern technology to take all these ideas and develop them into a great television program." "Like Dr. Kildare." "(ALL CHUCKLING)" "The public always loves a show where someone wins a lot of money." "And the first one who comes up with a..." "With a new, an unrigged, an unfixed way to give away something for nothing is going to sweep the airwaves." " It can't be done, J.B." " Can't be done?" "But if it could, J.B..." "If it could..." "Wouldn't it create a tremendous excitement?" "It can't be done!" "But it can't." "But if it could!" "But if it could!" "Look, J.B., just for a moment, say, "It could be done."" " Now, what is your answer?" " I forgot the question!" "I hate give away shows." "They lack dignity." "Please, be patient." "Gentlemen." "The World Wide Wicket Treasure Girl." "(MAN WHISTLING)" " What is this?" " This is the secret ingredient." "It can't miss." "I'm combining greed with sex." "Go ahead, Hedy." "Hello, there." "I'm your World Wide Wicket Treasure Girl." " Each week, I'm going to give you a..." " Clue." "Clue to where the World Wide treasure has been stashed." " Buried!" "Buried treasure." " Oh, yeah." "Buried." "This eye patch gets me mixed up." "J.B., Miss LaRue is, well, she's just helping me with the idea." "She will not be our regular Treasure Girl." "You see, actually, when we go on the air, we're going to need a..." "You know, we'll need a big name personality." "Someone like Elizabeth Taylor." " Why don't you get Queen Elizabeth?" " This is an American program." "This is insanity, J.B.!" "Now tell this maniac hustler to get out of our business!" "I'll handle this." "Will you gentlemen and Miss LaRue kindly leave me alone with Mr. Finch?" " Sir, I can explain this, sir." " BRATT:" "The FCC wouldn't approve of this." "Now, wait a minute!" "That's not true at all." " Not at all." " But, gentlemen..." "Sir... give away show." "I'll have to mull this over." "Where is the treasure going to be hidden?" "Sir, this is a completely honest show." "Not even the Treasure Girl is going to know where the treasure is hidden." "I mean, whoever she may be." "I'm the only one that will know, sir." "As president of the company, don't you think I should know?" "Yes." "Well, I'm gonna hide 5,000 shares of stock in each of the 10 World Wide Wicket buildings throughout the world." "Now, well, now you know, sir." "But it just must be a secret between you and me." "Finch, you're a brilliant young man, but I'm afraid you've let us down." "You've missed the boat!" "Haven't thought this out properly." "Why, sir?" "I don't..." "Tell me, why does this Treasure Girl have to be a big-name personality?" "Right this way, sir." "Dress rehearsal went exceedingly well." "ANNOUNCER ON PA:" "Quiet, please." "Five seconds to air." "Five, four, three..." "I think you'll be able to see it all from here, sir." ""-0178" "(BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)" "(CROWD APPLAUDING)" "ANNOUNCER:" "Ladies and gentlemen, the World Wide Wicket master of ceremonies, Mr. George Fenneman." "(APPLAUDING)" "Ladies and gentlemen, the World Wide Wicket Company, whose slogan for over 100 years of service to your community has been, "A day without a wicket is like a day without sunshine,"" "brings you now, in living colour, the World Wide Wicket Treasure Hunt." "Here with us tonight, to insure absolute integrity to our give away show, we welcome the distinguished Supreme Court justice," "Leland Anthony Hausmeyer," "United States Senator, Wellington Washburn, and Dr. Stanton J. Noble of the American University Advisory Committee." "And your job, gentlemen, to ensure an absolutely unrigged, unfixed give away of money tonight." "Good touch, Finch." "Nice tone of dignity and distinction." "And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for, the World Wide Wicket Treasure Girl!" "Hello, there!" "I'm your World Wide Wicket Treasure Girl!" "I'm here to give you the first clue to where 50,000 shares of stock are hidden." "Say, I'm beginning to wonder where the treasure is myself." " Yeah, Ponty, where is it hidden?" " No, no." "Nobody in the world knows but J.B. and myself." " Right, J.B.?" " Right, Finch." "All right, Treasure Girl." "May we have the first clue, please?" "The first clue." "(BOTH EXCLAIMING)" " The first clue is..." " One moment, Miss Treasure Girl." "This man is carrying a Bible." "Would you place your right hand on the Bible, please?" "No, your other right hand." "Do you swear there has been no fixing or rigging in connection with this show?" " What's the matter with her?" " She looks surprised." "Yes, she is." "Hedy didn't know about this." "See, I wanted this part of the show to be completely spontaneous and sort of unrehearsed." "That can be very dangerous." "Do you swear that you yourself do not know where the treasure is actually hidden?" "Is this a real Bible?" "Yes, this is a real Bible." "You see?" "We're going to get into trouble." "Why, J.B.?" "Look, you and I are the only ones who know where the treasure is hidden." "I mean, she doesn't know, does she?" " GEORGE:" "Please." "Time is slipping by." " Does she?" "Treasure Girl, the entire nation is waiting." " I'll repeat the question." " Look, nobody told me about this." " Miss Treasure Girl..." " I do not wish to take a bum rap." " Miss Treasure Girl..." " My mommy and daddy told me never to swear false witness against perjury." "I do know where the treasure is hidden." "I found out last night!" "There is treasure hidden in all the World Wide Wicket buildings right now." "(CLAMOURING)" "GEORGE:" "Please, folks, come back." "Stop that." "Everyone take a seat." "Sam, stop that!" "What are you doing?" "It's another treasure hunter." "This little creep tried to sneak past me three times!" "Take your hands off him!" "I'm terribly sorry, sir." "This little creep happens to be the chairman of the board." "Chairman of the board?" "They all look alike to me." "I'm very sorry, Mr. Womper." "If you'll come with me, Mr. Biggley's waiting in his office." "Miss Jones, have you seen Ponty?" "No." "Everybody's looking for him." "Oh, poor baby." "I've got to find him." "He was a nice boy, but somebody's head has to roll." "AUTHOR'S VOICE:" "How to handle a disaster." "In every businessman's career, there are times when everything goes wrong." "This is a time for maintaining a cool head and following the one, simple rule, put the blame on somebody else." "Oh, Ponty!" "I've been worried to death." "Are you all right?" "Where have you been?" "I've been just walking the streets." "I've just been thinking, thinking..." "Well..." " Oh, you've got a bruise on your head." " I know!" "I know, I got it last night." "They..." " Well, they threw me out of a saloon." " Why'd they do that?" " I didn't buy anything." " The brutes." "Oh, Ponty, you're all right." "I was so worried, and everyone's looking for you." "Yes, I'll bet." "I'm gonna be all right." "But before they find me," "I have to read up on how to handle this disaster." "Read up?" "Well, what do you mean?" "Well, I might as well tell you." "See, before I came to this company," " I was a..." " What were you?" "I was a window washer." "Then I came across this book." ""How to Succeed in Business."" "It just must explain how to put the blame on someone else." "Oh, Ponty, you wouldn't." "That's dishonest." "I mean, it was your idea." "You've got to go in there and face the music." "You don't understand what it's like in big business." "They'd fire me." "I'd have to go back to washing windows." "Ponty, I couldn't love a man who wasn't honest." "If you don't go in there and make a clean breast of everything," " I'll never have any respect for you." " Rosemary, look." "It's no life for you, being married to a window washer." "Ponty, are you gonna go in there and face them honestly or not?" "Goodbye, Ponty." "Rosemary, wait!" "Rosemary, wait!" "Rosemary!" "Finch, you're wanted in J.B.'s office." " Yeah, well, I thought I'd wash up first." " They want you now." "That's what I figured." "Well, let me tell you before we go any further." "I realize that I'm the president of this company, the man who's responsible for everything that goes on here." "So, I want to state right now that anything that happened is not my fault!" "There's one bright side to this whole thing, Wally." "You'll be happy to know we've someone we can pin it on." "You'll soon see where the responsibility for this whole thing lies." "When Finch gets here, I'll do all the talking." "This is a very slick youngster, Wally." "Here he is now." "All right." "Mr. Biggley, please..." "No, no, no." "I'll do all the talking." "By the way, you haven't met Mr. Womper." "This is the chairman of the board." "How do you do, Mr. Womper?" " Mr. Womper..." " No speeches." "It's all settled." "I want you to sign a simple letter of resignation in which you accept all the blame for what happened." " Rosemary." " What?" "All right, Mr. Biggley, I..." "All right." "I'll be glad to sign the resignation." " Is this one of your tricks?" " No, Mr. Biggley." "Look, I'm through with all that." "This firm has been pretty good to me." "Now, I'm just going to resign." "I'm gonna take the blame, and go back to what I did before I came here." "What did you do, Finch?" "(SIGHING)" " I was a window washer." " No kidding!" "I started as a window washer myself!" "(MEN CHATTERING)" "You were a window washer?" "What the hell did you think I was, a rail-splitter?" "College man." " So you were a window washer?" " Yes, Mr. Womper." " Call me Wally." " Okay, Wally." " Tell me, Finch..." " Why don't you call me Ponty?" "Okay, Ponty." "It's been a long time since I had anybody around here I could talk to." "How'd you happen to go into this business?" " Sir, let me tell you." "See, I had a book..." " Me, too." "Well, it was a book on how to succeed in business." "My book was more useful." "I booked bets for all the other window washers." "Cleaned up a bundle." "Should have stood in that business." "Eight buildings wrecked, our stock is down five points!" " We're the laughing stock of the industry." " I know, Wally." " It's ghastly." " Ponty, how did this happen?" "I could understand a college man pulling a boner like this, but not no window washer!" "Now, this idea of yours about a treasure hunt..." "Now, hold it, Wally." "Look, if there's one thing that I won't do, it's take credit for another man's idea, especially when he's the boss's nephew." "You never told me you hired your nephew." "Nephew?" "Oh, nephew." "He's not really my nephew, he's my wife's nephew." "I never showed him any favouritism." "In fact, I hate him." "But you love his ideas." "No, when he first told me the idea, I thought it was a lousy idea." "When Finch brought it to me, I still said it was a lousy idea." "In fact, I told Finch it was a lousy idea!" " Why did you buy it?" " Seemed like a good idea." " Treasure hunt, treasure girl..." " Finch dressed it all up." "He can't deny that the idea of the treasure girl was his!" " Wally, that was my idea." " And not a bad one, Ponty." "But who the hell picked that bubble-headed tomato?" "(FINCH CLEARING THROAT)" "(EXCLAIMS)" "Don't get any wrong ideas, Wally." "She's a fine girl." "You should have a talk with her." "I intend to." "Well, I think I got the whole picture." "Now, the question is what to do and who to do it to." "Wally, before you make any hasty decisions, I'd..." " Well, I'd like to say a few words." " About what?" "About, well, about humanity." "No, look, even though we're all part of the cold, corporate set-up, deep down under our skins there's flesh and blood." " We're all brothers." " But some of us are uncles!" "(SINGING) Now you may join the Elks, my friend" "And I may join the Shriners" "And other men may carry cards" "As members of the diners" "Still others wear a golden key" "Or small Greek letter pin" "But I have learned there's one great club" "That all of us are in" "There is a brotherhood" "Of man" "A benevolent brotherhood" "Of man" "A noble tie that binds" "All human hearts and minds" "Into a brotherhood of man" "Your lifelong membership ls free" "Keep a-giving each brother all" "You can" "Oh, aren't you proud to be" "In that fraternity?" "The great big brotherhood of man" "Now, Wally, I want you to remember that before you consider firing Mr. Biggley." "Who's considering that?" "Get the hell out of here!" "You see, I know what's on your mind." "You'd like to clear out the whole place." "I mean, from top to bottom." "It's the obvious move, but stop and think." "One man may seem incompetent" "Another not make sense" "While others look like quite a waste" "Of company expense" "They need a brother's leadership" "So please don't do them in" "Remember mediocrity ls not a mortal sin" " They're" " We're" " In the" " In the" "Brotherhood of man" "Dedicated to giving all" "We can" "Oh, aren't you proud to be" "In that fraternity?" "The great big brotherhood of man" "(EXCLAIMS)" " BUD:" "What'd I do?" " No kidding!" "Is there really a brotherhood" " Of man?" " You are a brother" "A benevolent brotherhood of man" "Oh, yes, oh, yes A noble tie that binds" "All human hearts and minds" "Into one brotherhood of man" "Oh, yes, our lifelong membership is free" "Keep giving each brother all you can" " Oh, aren't you proud to be" " MISS JONES:" "You, you got me" " In that fraternity?" " MISS JONES:" "Me, I got you" " That great big brotherhood of man" " MISS JONES:" "You" "Oh, that noble feeling Feels like bells are pealing" "Down with double-dealing Oh, brother" "You, you got me Me, I got you" "You" "Oh, that noble feeling Feels like bells are pealing" "Down with double-dealing" "Oh, brother" "You, you got me Me, I got you" "You" "Oh, that noble feeling Feels like bells are pealing" "Down with double-dealing" "Oh, brother" "You, you got me Me, I got you" " You" " Your lifelong membership ls free" "Keep a-giving each brother all" "You can" "Oh, aren't you proud to be in that fraternity?" "That great big brotherhood of man" " Oh, Matt, Matt." "Oh, Matt." " Any word?" "Something big is brewing." "Oh, Miss Jones." "What's up?" "All I can say is there are going to be some changes." "You hear that?" "Changes." "Boys and girls, boys and girls." "May I have your attention, please?" "Gather round, gather round." "I have an announcement to make." "As you know, there have been a few changes made at World Wide Wickets." "I'm speaking to you now in my new capacity as vice president in charge of employee morale and psychological adjustment." "Mr. Tackaberry here is now in charge of personnel." "And now, I'd like to have you hear a few words from our hard-driving, hard-working president." "Thank you, thank you." "Boys and girls, I have very good news for you." "I can truthfully state that World Wide Wickets is now stronger than ever." "And much of the credit for this should go to a very loyal and very able young man." "Come here, Finch." "Most of you are aware that this youngster's rise has been spectacularly rapid." "As a matter of fact, for a while I thought he was after my job." " Luckily for me, he didn't want it." " No, no, J.B." "Your job is much too tough for me." "But if any credit is due, it should go to a great man and a great humanitarian." "I mean the chairman of the board, Mr. Wally Womper." " Hear, hear!" " Incidentally, folks, Mr. Womper has his charming new wife with him here today." "Let's get them both out here, Mr. and Mrs. Womper." "Thank you." "Thank you, boys and girls." "Thank you." "And now, I have an announcement to make." "After 30 long years of service to..." "After 30 long years of service to this company, as chairman of the board, I've decided to retire." "And my wife and I are taking a long honeymoon trip around the world." "Sweetie, what a surprise!" "You didn't tell me!" "I didn't know myself, until Finch handed me the tickets." "Well, what the hell?" "It's not a bad idea at that." "I'll concentrate on you." "(WALLY COUGHING)" "Wally, who's going to be the new chairman of the board?" " As if I didn't know." " I'll kill myself." "Ponty, it's your baby now." "Take good care of it." " Well, I don't know if I could..." " Congratulations." "I'll accept." "Miss Jones, you'll take Mr. Finch to his new office, please." "Right this way, Ponty." "Listen, have any of you girls heard from Rosemary?" "Well, she packed up her things at the apartment." " She left without a word." " We thought you'd heard from her." "Right through here, Ponty." " Well, Ponty, what do you think?" " Large." "Smitty, you don't think that Rosemary went home to her mother?" "She just has to be here." "I mean, it's just..." "It's just no good without her." "Look, I'll call her family's place." "Maybe they've heard from her." "Let me know, you know, if you hear..." "Good morning." "Good morning, Rosemary." "Rosemary, make up your mind." "In or out?" "I have other clients, you know." "I just couldn't leave you." "I'm stuck with you, I guess." "FINCH:" "I adore you." "Oh." "Wow." "Oh, that reminds me." "They want to make me chairman of the board." "Look, is it all right with you?" "Darling, I don't care if you work in the mail room, or you're chairman of the board, or you're the president of the United States." "I love you." " Say that again." " I love you." "No, before that." "About..." "Good morning, Mr. President." "We'll play it the company way" "Executive policy is, by us, okay" "You'll never be president But there's one thing clear" "Whoever the company fires" "We Will Still be" "Here"