"Hey, are you limping?" "Little bit." "What's going on there?" "I'm just starting to seize up here." "Did you sleep in a weird position?" "No, it's not that." "I've just been a little under the weather." "It started as a scratchy throat." "And then it went right to the legs." "Right to the limp." "Yeah, it sounds like." "An upper-respiratory/ lower-leg thing." "Wanna feel my head?" "Yeah." "Or my legs?" "You don't feel warm to me." "I don't feel feverish." "You just feel achy?" "Maybe you're coming down with something then." "I don't know, maybe." "These feelings are, like, more big." "More total." "I'm thinking it could be..." "Some kind of neurological problem?" "Either that or a blood disorder." "Or something..." "Ben, have you been hitting the medical books again, my medical books?" "Have you been looking at 'em?" "I read a little bit last night." "Oh, god." "Well, you know, dad..." "I'm gonna hide 'em." "I don't think you should have access to those." "Remember what happened last time?" "When I read the books?" "I got sick." "Yeah, but it took me three doctors." "And $500 to convince you that you didn't have an ovarian cyst." "Well, you know, I still believe I did, but the point is the books don't." "Give me the illness." "The books help." "Why don't you call a doctor." "Just to set your mind at ease?" "Maybe I'll call Dr. Mepstein then today." "No, why don't you call a real doctor, a grown-up doctor?" "You're too old to call your pediatrician, Ben." "Doesn't it embarrass you to go there, to loom over all these little kids?" "Well, you know..." "To sit on his lap?" "I'm still young, and there's no real age limit to seeing your pediatrician." "No, I think there is, actually." "I know it's fun to go there." "And that you get special attention 'cause you're his oldest patient, and he's very fond of you, but it just..." "The problems of a young man..." "The medical problems of a young man." "Are different than those of a little boy." "Yeah, are hot flashes bad?" "I'll give you a hot flash!" "Hi, Laura." "Hi." "Jeez, what an incredible perfect, perfect, perfect day." "I mean, you read about days like this, but to actually live one..." "You know, I feel like," ""What did I do to deserve this?"" "Back-to-school weather." "I feel like a schoolboy, with my knickers." "That's obscene." "You know, just running to play ball, catch up with the school bus, the convergence of death and renewal, the changing of the colors of the leaves..." "All right, already." "Okay, I had a little coffee." "That's all I'm saying." "I feel pretty good about myself." "I noticed." "How you doing?" "Fine." "Yeah, but you have to admit." "It's a beautiful, beautiful day out there." "Okay, no more coffee, for you, all right?" "You're cut off." "Jeez, will you look?" "I can't believe this tree..." "That it's real." "Looks like a postcard." "I actually see some writing." "Oh, look at that." "Just unbelievable." "Oh, that's sweet." "Look at that." "What's that?" "That little bee." "Outside, struggling to get in?" "It's inside, struggling to get out." "Okay, let's move slowly." "And I'll tell you why..." "A sudden movement could be." "Misinterpreted by your new friend." "So I'm gonna stay in my office for a while, and when the bee's gone, then, I'll tell you what," "I'll come in and we can talk about it." "You're afraid of bees?" "Well, it's not so much that I'm afraid of them." "I just..." "I act irrationally around them." "I'm concerned that I'm gonna do." "Something to that bee." "That we're both gonna regret." "So I'm overly protective of them if anything." "Sounds crazy, right?" "Yeah." "But I'm going to my office now." "Okay, bye." "Bye." "You know, it's really..." "It gets to me after a while, being a comedian, doc, because people always try and give me material." "Like these guys... you know, the reason these guys are working at the plant." "Is 'cause they're not come..." "You know, I'm not putting 'em down or nothing." "My friend Turtle comes up to me..." "True story, doc." "He says, "I've got something maybe you could use."" "I'm thinking, "Okay, what?"" "He says, "You know how when you take vitamin B, your urine's real yellow and orange?"" "I said, "Yeah."" "He goes, "Could you use that?"" "And I said, "Well, jeez, Turtle", that's a whole album side right there." "Why don't you be a comedian?" "It's so hilarious!"" "You know what I'm saying?" "They don't realize what's involved." "Doc, can I tell you something about me as a comedian?" "I don't go for the big laugh." "Oh, that's the easy way out." "I don't go for the big laugh, the big ha-ha." "I go for the nervous titter." "I want people to look at me and think, "Hey, I can do that."" "You know what I'm saying?" "Is there a lot of money in that?" "You know, I'm comfortable?" "Can I tell you why I'm in therapy?" "Please." "For my family." "Because they can't afford it." "I don't need therapy." "You know, I got a lot out." "Last time I went to a psychiatrist." "Well, she, I know is a very fine therapist." "Well, yeah." "Why did you stop seeing her?" "She hit me, see..." "You don't mean literally she hit you?" "She really waffled me." "I mean, she just gave it to me." "I had to get out of there." "That's not right." "You shouldn't have to go through that." "Buzzzz!" "I get it, I get it." "You're playing on my fear, right?" "'Cause everyone knows that's." "The funniest thing you can do, is to play into someone's fear." "Buzz!" "Is this the right time to talk about a raise?" "Stop it." "Baby." "Okay, what's up, Ben?" "I can't really talk right now, so make it snappy." "I just wanted to fill you in on what's happened." "Well, fill, 'cause I really gotta go." "It's not a good time to talk." "I'm still feeling a little tight in the neck." "And down toward the back." "And moving in toward the groin, which doesn't feel so bad." "Okay, Ben, that's all the time I have right now." "No, actually, I did..." "I made myself a fruit shake, and that kind of pumped me up for a bit, but that kind of passed." "And then I gave myself..." "You know, Ben, as much as I enjoy this, and you know there's nothing I like better." "Than talking about your illness..." "Yeah." "I gotta go." "What?" "So you've been great." "You know, I did read an article, though, in a medical journal..." "I'll be just one second, Laura." "A whole group of people in New Mexico died." "Okay, talk to you later, Ben." "Wait, whoa, whoa." "You know, I'm soaking my feet." "The next sound you hear is gonna be the sound of the dial tone." "I don't like that sound." "I don't like to hang up on you, but if I will I have to." " I'm hanging up on you." " I will, then." "I have to." "I'm hanging up." "I'll hang up, I hung up." "Love you." "Love you." "I don't like the summer, specifically, because I have red hair, so I don't really tan." "I just kind of burst into flames." "That's a talent." "And also because everybody's exercising, and I don't exercise, but I don't really have to, because I've always." "Been one of those people that..." "I can eat anything I want, and I just get really fat." "I can eat ice cream and cake all day, and I just get huge like a pig." "It's not a problem." "Well, it's probably your metabolism." "I also used to drink, but I stopped drinking." "And I think, though, that the only good thing about drinking." "Is that it's educational, because every time you get really hammered, you come away with a little piece of wisdom." "That you never forget thereafter." "Last time I got really drunk" "I learned that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with, like, a group of people, because if you go alone and drunk, it's really not taken the same way." "And you should also go around December." "That's the time of year you really are expected." "'Cause if you're out in July." "And you're naked with a bottle of vodka, going, "Jingle bells!" "You suck!"" "Most people wouldn't consider that caroling." "Have you ever..." "You ever see somebody that you don't know again?" "Like someone who's a total stranger, but they keep popping up once in a while?" "Right." "Like, god is running out of extras." "In the movie of your life or something?" "He's starting to reuse people, like, "Okay, you be the guy in the bus."" ""But I was just the jogger!"" ""Just go!" "Put a hat on, I don't care!"" "I see what you mean." "That's how god talks." "He has a very booming voice." "Okay, so you're heading home now, Laura?" "Uh, yeah." "Yeah, I'm just gonna get a couple of things together." "And head out myself." "Let me... how's the situation out there?" "It's fine." "Under control?" "The bee situation?" "Yeah, it's still in here." "Let me ask you something." "Could you..." "Where exactly is the bee in relation to the exit?" "Uh, it's sort of hovering right around the main exit." "Let me ask you a favor, and if you can't do it, I understand." "Could you smack the life out of that bee?" "Just give it a good wallop?" "You want me to kill for you?" "You kill for me now, and I'll never ask you to kill again." "Mmm, no." "Okay, then let's..." "I actually admire your appreciation for life." "And for all living things, but I have a feeling that bee has such contempt for you." "That you'd get a lot of pleasure." "Just squishing the life out of it." "I actually saw a therapist for this, because it was getting to the point where I would stay inside for three months a year." "I actually wouldn't go outdoors." "When there were insects out there." "So you got help?" "Well, I'm sitting, I'm talking to this woman." "And describing my problem to her, and I notice that she has this tiny little waist." "And I'm thinking to myself," ""How do I know she's not one of them?"" "Ooh, this is a big deal for you." "But I did see a behavioral therapist." "And what did he say?" "And they put you through what's called." "Systematic desensitization." "That's five steps." "The last step, if you can go the route..." "They put you alone in a room with several hundred bees." "That's the final step." "Just confronting your worst nightmare." "I only got past the first step." "Which was?" "They put you alone in a room with a dead horse." "So you're, like, building up from there?" "That's right." "I never knew this about you." "This is a big deal, this is severe." "Yeah, I couldn't play professional baseball." "'Cause of the bees?" "Well, that was one of the issues." "I'm starting to think that maybe these feelings are, like..." "They're possibly genetic." "Like, it could be something that was prenatal, or even just-after-natal." "And then maybe it's something..." "Do you ever experience these kind of things?" "These sensations, the feelings..." "Well, when I was in premed," "I went through a period." "Where I kept coming down with stuff." "It's called intern's disease." "What's that?" "Well, you read about..." "You know too much, essentially, is what happens." "You become too familiar with all the things." "That can go wrong medically, and you start developing symptoms." "So it is your fault." "Yeah, right, you've inherited intern's disease from me." "Without having to go to the expense of medical school." "You know what you're gonna inherit from me, don't you?" "A whuppin'!" "That's what you got coming to you, my friend." "Oh, it's about time." "But it is amazing." "What they can do now with the gene splicing." "You know, they've taken the head of Gene Autry." "And attached it to the body of Gene Rayburn." "You gotta stop." "Well, no, keep going." "They found the gene for shyness." "I think I told you that." "Yeah, they would have found it years ago." "It was hiding behind a couple of other genes." "I feel better now." "Do you feel like your thoughts are controlled by a computer?" "Yes, a large computer." "Windows or Mac?" "They make me do things I don't wanna do." "Like what?" "The frug, the twist, the hully gully." "Dances that I would have let go a long time ago." "But I can't help it, doc." "Look at this." "Look at the way I move." "Check this out, check this body out." "Look at my extension." "Look at the way I can stretch my little legs." "Look, did you ever know I could put my leg." "Behind my head like this?" "Yes, I know that, you showed me last week." "You know the time I always wanted to live in?" "During the old west." "I always wanted to live in the old west." "Because life was so simple then." "Like, you could go into a saloon." "And just go," ""Give me a glass of beer and a bottle of whiskey." "And a room for a week and a steak dinner." "And a shave and a haircut." "And a bath and some new clothes and a hat and some boots." "And some oats for my horse." "And here..." "Keep the change." "Bing!"" "And now..." "I don't wanna put words in your mouth, but what I hear you saying is." "That you wish the transactions." "Between men and women were simpler." "Were more logical." "Oh, definitely." "Yeah, because..." "I don't know." "I find that if you go up to a woman..." "When you go up to a woman and ask her out and she says no, you never know how to walk away afterwards." "Like, there's this awkward moment, 'cause they don't give you this nice out line, like," ""No, and you should go over there now."" "Or something." "You know, you go up." "You're like, "Hey, Lisa."" "Listen, I know we don't know each other that well, but you wanna go out or something?" "Oh, that's very nice, no." "Oh, what, you have, like, a boyfriend or something?" "No." "Oh!" "Oh, well, ah, uh." "Uh... heh-heh-heh, eh?" "Heh-heh-heh!" "Ahh-ha-ha!" "Well." "Ah." "Plus, you know," "Ben is really rattling me these days." "You know, he's on one of his kicks that he gets on." "He's gotten into my medical books again." "Oh, jeez." "So now he's coming down with everything again." "I don't think this is very healthy of him, to do this." "You know, it sounds like he." "Needs to do something else with his time." "Absolutely, I've been saying this for years." "Maybe he needs a hobby." "He's got a hobby." "What's his hobby?" "Looking for tumors." "Yeah, see, that's not a very good hobby." "I think one of the problems is that I'm not the kind of dad who exposes him to a lot of things." "You know, like sports." "Or camping or anything like that." "Well, why don't you do that, then?" "Well, because... you know how I feel about the outdoors." "I'm really not crazy." "About nature and bugs and stuff." "Really?" "You know, I feel that if the good lord." "Wanted us to go camping, he wouldn't have created four-star hotels." "I believe that in my heart." "He's the only 24-year-old male" "I know that has his own speculum." "And that is not right." "You know, it's not that I don't care, okay?" "It's just that..." "It's probably really..." "You know, this is probably like a..." "Wouldn't Ben be sort of upset with you." "If he knew you were telling me these things?" "I think he's proud." "I think he thinks that his scrotum is the center of the universe." "I'm gonna just go down and wipe up, because I think I see a big mess down there." "Look, I'm not much for words, poetry, or anything, but maybe this interpretive dance." "And this little ditty." "Will help you know how I really feel about you." "♫ Dr. Katz ♫" "♫ I think I'm falling hard for Dr. Katz ♫" "♫ and even though I know that it ain't right ♫" "♫ every night it's me and him in my dreams ♫" "♫ in my dreams ♫" "♫ Dr. Katz ♫" "♫ the world moves much too fast for Dr. Katz ♫" "♫ even though I know that it ain't right ♫" "♫ can't you see I'm in pain doc?" "♫" "So what did the doctor say?" "Well, he said that everything checked out okay." "The blood work looked good." "Everything was solid." "He said I need to lose a little weight." "And be a little more active, you know." "And I said no." "Well, you've gotta be firm." "You don't want this guy running your life." "I gotta draw the line." "Sure." "But he did say a couple of good things." "But, you know, I was wondering." "If there's a history of sids in our family." "Is that possible?" "No, it's not possible." "Do you even know what sids stands for?" "I don't, no." "It stands for sudden infant death syndrome, Ben." "They used to call it crib death." "That sounds horrible." "Do you think a guy like me..." "What are the chances?" "Ben, sudden infant death syndrome." "What if it's not so sudden?" "Gradual infant death syndrome, yeah." "You have "Grids."" "Why are you always picking on me?" "I mean, as if I'm the only one in here." "Dom, this is what it's about." "I mean, you come here..." "It's about hurt?" "Sometimes it is." "It's about digging, doc?" "It's about digging into my life, my personal life?" "Sometimes it is." "The reason I can't settle down." "With one woman is because, first of all, I love my girlfriend." "I love her very dearly, and I have one wish in life:" "That her and my wife could get along." "You see what I'm saying?" "I like sex, Dr. Katz, I really..." "That's great, Louie." "I like the whole..." "I just like the whole doing it." "Sometimes when I'm having sex," "I get so happy, I just wanna yell, "Hurray!"" ""Hurray for this!" "Hip-hip-hurray!"" "But women don't really respond to that." "In a very sensual way." "I think you can say "hurray"." "Without actually saying it." "Are you afraid of crowds?" "I like big crowds." "I like standing in a big crowd of people." "And just yelling," ""Hey, Jimmy!" "Mike!"" "Whoops... you know what the music means." "Our time is up." ""Timmy!""