"At 10 o'clock in the morning it is not usual to find me in bed." "But I am suffering from nervous exhaustion." "In the last 24 hours I have been caught in the arms of my mistress Yvette by M Alfonse, the undertaker - the man who wishes to marry my wife who, in turn, wishes to marry me due to the fact that everyone thinks I am dead" "and posing as my twin brother and living with 'er in sin." "If that was not enough, my wife is also being courted by a randy Italian captain." "My new waitress, Mimi La Bonque, is after my body." "And, you may recall that I spent most of yesterday afternoon chasing a flying nun with a radio on her back, suspended from an oversized kite." "No wonder I'm suffering from nervous exhaustion." " (Knocking) - (Mimi) René, René!" "Let me in!" "That is Mimi, the one I told you about." "I dare not let my wife catch us so I have locked the door." " (Knocking)" " Please, René, let me in." " Go away!" "Think of my wife." " She is in the kitchen." "There is a key under the mat." "René!" "Ah!" "(Whimpering)" "René, why are you trying to avoid me?" "l-l just thought we might work up to this point." "You know, a romantic stroll down lovers' lane, a furtive glance in church, a quick peek at you 'aving a bath through the keyhole." "Oh-ho, René!" "Now that we are together, let me do something to make you feel warm and wonderful." "Well... you can fill my hot-water bottle if you like." "(Edith) René!" "I 'ave for you your breakfast." "Quick, it is the wife." "Hide!" "The bed!" "No, I meant under it, not in it!" " René!" " Oh, my God, too late!" "Oh, René, my poor 'usband." "'Ow is the ache in your 'ead?" "Oh...a little better, my dear." "The peace and quiet are doing me good." "Especially the peace." " You're still...very jumpy." " Yes, I..." "Shall I get in bed and rub your neck?" "No!" "No, no..." "All that running and chasing yesterday." "You must still be very stiff." "No more than you would expect, no." "There. I have brought for you a soft-boiled egg with soldiers, toast, honey and a pot of coffee." "You are a treasure, Edith." " ls there anything else?" " Could you bring another cup?" " Ah, good morning, M Alfonse." " l've come to see Mme Edith." "She is giving to her husband the breakfast." "That bounder, that rotter!" "That cad, that...unprincipled innkeeper." "M Alfonse, please remember, I am 'is mistress." "My apologies, Mademoiselle." "With my dicky heart I should not get in such a tiz-woz." "I am so consumed by jealousy that I am forgetting that we Frenchmen have this great tradition of having it off like rabbits." "Oh, M Alfonse!" " Dear, beautiful madame." " Oh." " l have an urgent message." " From the Resistance?" "No, from me." "Come into the back room." " l love you, I love you." " (Yelps)" "At last we are alone." "(Both) Hello!" "Go away!" "Now, M Alfonse, what is your message?" "I am a very busy woman." "Dear lady...it is many weeks now that I have you loved from afar." "I think of you day and night." "Even when I am embalming it is your face that haunts me." "Haunts me through the fluid." "I cannot contain my passion any longer." "I must kiss those tempting, sensuous lips." "Oh, M Alfonse, you are very naughty." "But since you put it so nicely, you may have one little peck." "Ohhh, Madame." "(Whimpers)" "M Alfonse!" "I..." "Oh... lf just my lips do this, I must withhold from 'im the rest of me." "Ah." "Er, er... you have cleaned the bathroom well, Mimi." "Now go about your business." "Are we alone?" "Apart from four customers, two of my staff and one of yours, yes." "Gather round!" " Listen very carefully..." " She will say zis only once." "I am not going to say anything." "I am going to ask a question." " Where is the radio?" " ln the bedroom of my wife's mother," " for what good it is." " We lost the batteries crossing the river trying to catch this flying nun here." "The dynamo on this bicycle will provide a temporary source of power." "Will not the Germans be suspicious if they find a bicycle in the room of my mother-in-law?" "You will say it is a keep-fit machine." "is it not a bit late?" "She is 86." "It will not be for long." "We have stolen more batteries from a German midget submarine." "They will be delivered to you by one of our agents." "Disguised as a torpedo, I suppose." "He will make 'imself known to you by a secret sign." "What will this sign be?" "(Sighs)" "He will put 'is finger in 'is ear and will wiggle 'is nose like this... I will watch out for such a man." "I have more good news." "The explosives 'ave arrived." " Oh, good." " They will be kept in your cellar." "They will be delivered by another agent." "The dynamite will be concealed in special compartments in 'is trousers." "How will I know this man?" "He will be walking very gingerly." "Here comes the German lieutenant." "Act normally!" "I will disappear like a phantom down the back passage." " Ah, René!" " Ah." "Er..." "Good morning, Lieutenant." "My, you look very smart." "Thank you." "You will notice that I am walking rather gingerly." "Do not tell me that you have dynamite in your trousers?" "René..." "René, do not listen to gossip." "No, I have been exercising one of the General's horses." "A magnificent black stallion." "There's nothing like the sight of a handsome beast with nostrils flaring, foam flying from the mouth, clattering over the cobbles, scattering the peasants." "I expect the horse enjoyed it as well." "Er, have a seat, Lieutenant, do please." "René, you are up and about." "Still very frail, my dear." "M Alfonse has just had a very funny turn in the back room." "I think we should give him a Cognac." "It is my dicky ticker, you understand." "Here you are, M Alfonse." "Oh, 'eck!" "Herr Flick!" " (Gasps)" " The Gestapo!" "Good morning, Herr Flick." "A Cognac?" "It is I..." "Helga." "I have very serious news which could affect each one of us." "What are you doing in Herr Flick's clothes?" "I am vearing his clothes because he has taken mine." "See?" "(Whimpers)" "Herr Flick has disguised himself as a temporary lady stenographer of the female sex." "He has secreted a listening device in a daffodil in a vase on the desk of Colonel von Strohm." "Apart from the satisfaction he obtains from wearing girls' clothes, why would he do this?" "He suspects General von Klinkerhoffen and the Colonel of being involved in a plot to blow up Hitler." "Thus the 'ated scourge of Europe will die ze painful death for which the free world 'as been praying." "Mimi!" "Manners." "Helga, I have no wish to know about any of this." "But do you not see?" "If it is true and the Colonel is tortured ve vill all be implicated." "He may reveal that Gruber is painting a forgery of the Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies." "And the Van Gogh With The Big Daisies." "How lucky he did not paint The Fan Dancer." "General von Klinkerhoffen has an appointment to see the Colonel at this very hour." "I must warn him at once." "Ahhh!" "Vait outside the doors." " Announce me." " Yes, General." "You are new here, are you not?" "My name is Irma von Kinkenrotten, I am only temporary." " (Chair scrapes)" " Wait." "Your top button is undone." "Attend to it." "Yes, Herr General." "Stop!" "The seam of your right stocking is crooked." "See to it." "You have good legs." "Pity about ze limp." "General von Klinkerhoffen!" "Ah, good morning, General." "Nice to see you." " Heil Hitler." " Oh, yes..." "Heil Hitler!" "I've been busily engaged acquiring novelties for the party to celebrate Hitler's birthday." "Unfortunately, the Führer will not be with us." "But we will celebrate with the senior officers." "It will be most jolly." "Von Smallhausen, can you hear me?" "Yes, Herr Flick." "I am vatching two ladybirds engaged in a most unusual activity." "Pay attention." "The General is talking to the Colonel." "Put on your earphones and activate the secret microphone." "At once, Herr Flick." "(Whirring)" "Here is the seating plan for Hitler's birthday party." "Ah, ze seating plan, good." "I thought we could place the Führer on a chair at the head of the table, like zis." "Hm." "A nice touch, I approve." "There is to be a party." "Hitler vill be placed at the head of the table." "I am writing this down." "Keep listening." "And here is the menu for your approval." "Ah, I will approve this document personally." "After coffee we will put on something like this." "And what do you think of this?" "Quite amusing." "It changes your appearance completely." "They vill be vearing disguise." "Disguise?" "Keep listening." "I have found a supplier who can let me have two cases of these." "Two cases?" "That is a lot." "Who is going to do the blowing up?" " Not me, not at my age." " No, we need a younger man." "Get Gruber to do it." "The General intends to make Herr Gruber do the blowing up of Hitler." "What a pity Hitler will not be here to enjoy it." "(Clop of horse's hooves)" " (Horse whinnies)" " Ah, that will be Gruber now." "Lieutenant Gruber." "You have barged in without knocking and have put a riding glove over a daffodil." "What is your explanation for this conduct?" " (inaudible)" " What?" "The daffodil contains a microphone planted by the Gestapo to eavesdrop on you." "This is outrageous!" "Who is responsible?" "Herr Flick." "He is even now in your outer office disguised as a female secretary of the opposite sex." " Guards!" "In here!" " General, what are you doing?" "I'm going to place him in custody." "But you cannot arrest Herr Flick of the Gestapo." "True, but I can arrest a female secretary of ze opposite sex." "Arrest that woman and take her to the dungeons of my chateau." "Yes, Herr General." "That should keep the Gestapo out of our hair for a while." " Edith!" " What is your problem, Mama?" "Oh, Edith, last night I prayed that I would once again see my sister in Avignon." "I awoke to find God had sent me a bicycle." "The bicycle is for the wireless, Mama." " Quick, lift the bed." " (All) One, two, three, up." "Take the front, Yvette." "London will be through at any moment." "The bicycle is connected to the radio." " (Wheels whirr)" " We need 12 volts." "Faster, faster!" "I feel like a mad 'amster." " Faster!" "Faster!" "Faster!" " (René) You stupid..." " He's let his body run to seed." " (Buzzer)" " Faster!" " Just stop that!" "Ohhh!" "Ze flashing knobs!" "Quick, the radio." " Your breath is very 'ot." " Your shorts are very thin." ""Allo, Nighthawk. 'Allo, Nighthawk." "'Pass your message, over.'" "Louise cannot read her schoolbooks without her glasses." "Louise cannot read her schoolbooks without her glasses." "Am I busting my lungs here so that the RAF can drop a pair of spectacles for some stupid schoolgirl?" "(Panting) Why..." "Why..." "Why... can she not go to the optician's?" "It is code!" "We need spy cameras to photograph the plans of the invasion that are in the safe we are going to blow up." ""Allo, Nighthawk." "We will look up the code." "'lt may take a few minutes.' l cannot wait, there is about to be a power cut." "We need spy cameras!" "'They will be delivered." "'Do you 'ave the British airmen?" "'" " The airmen?" "One moment." " Oh, my God." "I am knackered." " Hello!" " Hello!" " London!" " Ooh, jolly good show!" "Hello, London, we are here." "'Wing Commander Belfridge here, sorry you've had no mail." "'We've got a couple of letters here." "'l'll read the one for Fairfax.'" "Oh, all right then." "'lt's from Daphne. "Dear Cuddles," ""'this is a very difficult letter to write but here goes." ""'Randy Hargreaves and I went on a golfing holiday" ""'to St Andrews in Scotland..."'" "This is ridiculous." "I will have to have a rest." "Keep going!" "Turn, pedal!" "They are losing the message." "Keep pedalling." "All right!" ""'..and so, to cut a long story short," ""'l found myself in the club." ""'Yours faithfully, Daphne."'" "What do you make of that, Fairfax?" "Lucky girl." "St Andrews is a jolly hard club to get into." "You have a visitor, Fraulein Kinkenrotten." "This vay!" "You have three minutes." "Herr Flick, it is I, von Smallhausen." "How did you get in here?" "I told ze guard it was Flag Day." " You look ridiculous." " l opened your secret drawer and brought for you your suicide pill." "Crush it between your teeth and nobody will know what a fool you've made of yourself." "You are very, very stupid, von Smallhausen." "I, on the other hand, am not chained up in a dungeon." "You vill get a message to my godfather Heinrich Himmler in Berlin and vill explain my predicament." "Yes, Herr Flick." "What is his address?" ""Himmler, Berlin." He is very famous." "In ze meantime you vill think of a way to get me out of here." "What are you doing?" "I told the guard I was injecting you against bubonic plague." "It's just a sugar solution." "Pretend to give it to me and go." " Yes, Herr Flick." " Ahhh!" "How long do you suppose the General can keep Herr Flick incarcerated in his dungeon?" "Helga, it's the General's responsibility." "We were only obeying orders." " Ah, René." " Good evening, Lieutenant." "Come and sit down." " l have good news." " What is it?" "We could do with some good news." "I have completed the forgeries of ze paintings." " Well, where are they?" " Here." "Why in heaven's name did you put them in sausages?" "Nobody told me not to put them in sausages." " What was I supposed to do?" " Never mind." "Which is the original ve vill sell after the war?" "This is the Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies by Van Clomp." "And this and this are forgeries." "This is the Cracked Vase With The Big Daisies by Van Gogh." "And those two are forgeries." "You will remember that I am to have the Van Gogh and the two forgeries are to go the General." "One for Hitler and one for the General which he thinks is the original." "Correct..." "I think." "Pardon me for asking." "How will we know which sausage contains which painting?" " They all have secret markings." " Well done, Gruber." "Which are known only to me." "This will ensure that I am not diddled out of my share." "Ah, welcome, Captain Bertorelli." "Hide them!" "Colonelo, my beautiful friend, eh?" "Mmmwah!" "Ah..." "Helga!" "Mmmwah!" "Look-a what my mama send-a for us from Italy." " What?" " The black market salami." " Take-a de sniff." " Oh!" "ls-a beautiful, no?" "They are present for the beautiful lady, Signora Edith." "First she get-a de flowers, then-a she get-a de sausages... then-a she get-a de me." "Oh, thank you, Captain Alberto." "You are most gallant." "Now I go to the barber for de cut-a de hairs so I look for the ladies the bee's-a knees-a." "See ya." "No, d-don't..." "Now we have mixed them all up!" " We don't know which is which." " We can't sort them out here." "Too many people about." " Take them avay and hide them." " Oh... (Muttering)" "Sausages!" "Lovely sausages!" "Who will buy a sausage from a poor, old, wandering sausage seller?" "Get lost." "Psst." "Psst." "It is I, Leclerc." "Go away, we are oversausaged." "I 'ave for you the batteries from the submarine." "Eh?" "Now, you will notice... that each one has got an electrical terminal at this end...and this end..." " in which..." " (Electrical crackling)" "Good moaning." "I am wicking in a ginger fashion because my poloceman's pints are full of deenamote." "The deenamote is inside the sissages." "Thank you, Officer, you could not have come at a better time." "Now get about your business." "General von Klinkerhoffen is getting out of his car!" " General von Klinkerhoffen!" " Hide them!" "Hide them!" " Where?" " ln there!" " ln there." " Oh, my God, what..." "Ooh!" "Ahhh!" "General von Klinkerhoffen!" " Heil Hitler!" " (All) Heil Hitler!" "Batteries have been stolen from a miniature submarine." "Whoever has those batteries in their possession will be shot." "We will conduct an immediate search of the town." " Do you understand?" " Yes, Herr General." "Ow!" "Follow me!" "René?" "Which one of them 'as the batteries down 'is trousers?" "(Electrical crackling)"