"Here, in Malaysia, there is a sense of euphoria, as the new Prime Minister gives this impoverished nation the gift of hope, promising to raise the sub-standard minimum wage and end child labour." "Already considered a living saint, he has become this small country's greatest hope for the new millennium." "Che cosa, Jaco?" "This is disgusting." "How could you let this happen?" "I have negotiated my butt off, Giorgio." "I have tried bribes, I have tried gifts..." "I even sent him some pet oxen." "They love that crap in Malaysia." "But he won't budge!" "Listen, 50 per cent of my inventory is manufactured in Malaysian sweatshops." "Something has to be done." "If Malaysia goes, what is next?" " My entire panty line is made in Vietnam!" " We'll all go bankrupt." "The Malaysian must be eliminated, Mugatu." "What?" "No, I don't have time for this." "Perhaps you'd rather go back to churning out novelty neckties?" "But my new fall line is almost due." "And I trust you would like to live to see your spring line as well?" "The Malaysian Prime Minister visits New York in 14 days." "Do it then." "That's Fashion Week." "It's impossible!" "I have a show." "It's perfect." "Invite him to be your guest of honour." "That's not enough time to recruit and train an operative." "What about Fabio?" "Too smart." "This is a rush job." "He's got to be extremely dim-witted." "You know the profile." "A beautiful, self-absorbed simpleton who can be moulded like Jell-O." " Or cookie dough." " Or Play-Doh." "Any kind of dough." "We need an empty vessel." "A shallow, dumb, vacuous moron." "When he has finished, we'll dispose of him." "But who?" "Where in all of God's green goodness will I find someone that beef-headed?" " Derek, just a few more questions, OK?" " Cool." "When did you know you wanted to be a model?" "I guess it was the first time I went through the Second Grade." "I caught my reflection in a spoon while eating my cereal." "I thought, "Wow, you're good-looking!" "Maybe you could do that for a career."" " Do what?" " Be professionally good-looking." "Right..." "What is your trademark, if you have one?" " My best known look is "Blue Steel"." " What is that look like?" " It's impressive." " And then there's "Ferrari"." "And "Le Tigre"." "It's a lot softer." "It's more of a catalogue look." " I use it for footwear sometimes." " Can I see that?" "Without Derek Zoolander, male modelling wouldn't be what it is today." "He is a fashion icon." "Do you spend a lot of time working on these looks?" "Oh, sure." "I've been working on "Magnum" for the last eight or nine years." ""Magnum?" That's intriguing." " Can I see that?" " Are you kidding?" "I shouldn't be talking about it." "It's nowhere near ready." "It's like there's a light around him." "He exudes beauty." "I think about Derek every time I design a collection." "Derek, maybe you're familiar with the belief of some aboriginal tribes that a photo might steal a part of your soul." "What are your thoughts on that as a man who gets photographed for a living?" "That "Blue Steel" look he does..." "Oh, gosh!" "The style and the hair!" "It's almost like the new Afro for the white man." "It's beautiful." "I'd have to answer your question with another question." "How many abodiginals do you see modelling?" "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the VH1 Fashion Awards." "There he is, three-time "Male Model Of The Year", Derek Zoolander." "He's like a muse." "The proud owner of "Blue Steel" - the look that made him a legend." "He's almost too good-looking." "That would be my..." "my main deterrent in...you know... in considering a relationship." "And that's who Derek Zoolander is defending his title against tonight:" "Hansel." "All right, all right." "The rookie sensation who's burned his way into the eyes of the fashion world and left them clawing their faces for more." "Mugatu sucks!" "Support the Prime Minister." "Mugatu uses slave labour!" "Don't you hate that at an event like this?" "Ugly protesters bothering beautiful people." "Mugatu has been accused of exploiting cheap Malaysian workers to make most of the garment industry's clothes." " Derek." " Hey, Steve." "How are you doing?" "You're going for your fourth award." "Are you nervous?" "Well, I've got a couple of butterflies in my basket, but I'm OK." "Can you tell us about your new look?" "Actually, it's not yet perfected." "But I can tell you that it's called "Magnum"." " Shut up, baby!" " If I say more, he'll kill me." "You got that right!" "Maury Ballstein" " Balls Models." "Maury, you've handled every important male model for 30 years." " What do you think of Derek's chances?" " Nobody can touch Derek." "Nobody!" "I gotta get inside, I'm shvitzing like a shmedndrik!" " Are you worried about Hansel?" " Not as much as I'm worried about Gretel." "Put that Hansel and Gretel in your article." "I want people to know I can be funny." "Believe me, they'll know!" "It hits newsstands tomorrow." "Excuse me, Mr Mugatu." "Matilda Jefferies, "Time Magazine"." "Any comment on the wage increases for Malaysian garment workers?" " No, he hasn't." " Let him speak for himself." "Isn't it true you want the Prime Minister out of power so you can exploit Malaysian labour?" "Mugatu, screw you and your little dog too!" "Look out, she's got an egg!" "Yes..." "Yes!" "Wow!" "I can't tell you how much it means to me to receive this beautiful award." "We have a serious problem." "This Malaysian thing is getting out of hand." "I hear you, Jaco." "The "Slashie" means that you consider me the best actor / model, and not the other way around." "This proposed wage increase could ruin us." "I need it taken care of." "I have people to answer to." "Now the important stuff." "These ain't no "slashes" folks." "These are the pure breeds." "Here are the nominees for "Male Model Of The Year"." "Young, hot, brash." "With more covers in his first year than any rookie model, and an attitude that says, "Who cares?" "It's only fashion"." "That Hansel's so hot right now." "I hear a lot of words like beauty and handsome, incredibly chiselled features." "To me that's a vanity and self-absorption that I try to steer clear of." "I dig the bungee." "It's the way I live my life." "I grip it and I rip it." "I live with a lot of flair and on the edge." "I gotta be." "I wasn't like other kids, dreaming of being an astronaut." "I was always interested in what bark on a tree was made out of." "Richard Gere's a real hero of mine." "Sting is another person who's a hero." "I don't really listen to his music but I respect the fact that he's making it." "I care desperately about what I do." "Do I know what product I'm selling?" "Do I know what I'm doing today?" "No." "But I'm here and I'll give it my best shot." "Hansel." "Over the past decade, male-modelling has had a shadow cast over it by one man and five syllables:" "Der-ek Zoo-lan-der." "Modelling to me isn't just about being good-looking or having a lot of fun and being really good-looking." "The calendar gave people a chance to see my versatility." "The Greek word "model" means misshapen ball of clay." "I think about that every time I'm in front of the camera." "Three-time "Male Model Of The Year"," "Derek Zoolander." "And the award goes to Hansel." "Thank you, Lenny." "A lot of people said winning this award four years running couldn't happen." "Well, I guess I showed..." "I think we've found our solution." "No, not Derek." "He's perfect." "You know it." "Make it happen." "It stings me like a fissure in my ass, but you're right." "He's ready." "Who am I?" "I don't know." "I guess I have a lot of things to ponder." "Hey!" "Results are in, amigo." "What's left to ponder?" "Nice comeback." " I can't stand Hansel." " I know, right!" "Riding on that scooter like he's so cool." " And the way he combs his hair." " Like doesn't!" "It's like ex-squeeze me, but have you ever heard of styling gel?" "I'm sure he has." "He's a male model." " Earth to Brint." "It was a joke." " Earth to Meekus." "I knew that." "Earth to Brint, I'm not so sure." "You were all, "I'm sure he's heard of styling gel"" "like you didn't know it was a joke." "I just didn't get it right away." " Earth to Brint..." " Would you guys stop it?" "Did you think maybe there's more to life than being really, really ridiculously good-looking?" "Maybe we should be doing something more meaningful with our lives... like helping people." "Derek, what people?" "I don't know." "People who need help." "Models make people feel good about themselves." "They also show them how to dress cool and wear their hair in interesting ways." "I guess so." "You know what could help with these important issues?" "What?" "Orange mocha frappucino!" "Come on, man." ""Derek Zoolander:" "A Model idiot?"" "Rufus, Brint and Meekus were like brothers to me." "And when I say brother, I don't mean a real brother." "I mean it like the way black people use it, which is more meaningful, I think." "If there's anything this horrible tragedy can teach us is that a male model's life is a precious commodity." "Just because we have chiselled and stunning features... it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident." "So, ladies and gentlemen," "I would like to take this opportunity to announce my..." "Hansel - so hot right now." "Hansel." "I would like to take this opportunity..." "People." "I'd like to announce my retirement from the male modelling profession." "What?" "I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really good-looking." "I plan on finding out what that is." "Thank you." "Mr Mugatu, if I could just have a moment of your time." "Just one minute of your time." "Please, sir." "What do you want?" "Talking to Mugatu is tougher than getting to the President." "I thought you were going to tell me what a bad eugoogolizer I am." "A what?" "A eugoogolizer." "One who speaks at funerals." "Or did you think I'd be too stupid to know what a eugoogolywas?" "How could you write those terrible things about me?" "Derek, my editor put that headline on it." "I'm sorry." "I know it was kind of harsh." "Fortunately, not many people I know read "Time Magazine", or whatever it's called." "Maybe you can do me a favour." "I just want some background information on Mugatu." "If you knew anything you'd know he's the one designer who's never hired me." " Come on." "There's got to be..." " Sorry, lady." "Not interested." "Now, if you'll excuse me." "I've got an after-funeral party to attend." "Go back home?" "You're overreacting." "I want to do something meaningful with my life." "I have deeper thoughts on my mind." "The other day I was thinking of teaching underprivileged children how to read." "Just thinking about it was the most rewarding experience I've ever had." "I don't think you're cut out for that." "I could have my own institute." "We could call it The Derek Zoolander Centre For Kids Who Can't Read Good." "We built this place together." "Look out!" "When we met, you couldn't book a goddamn Sears catalogue and couldn't turn left to save your ass." "Now look at you." " I can turn left." " Yeah, right." "Some male models go left at the end of the runway." "Others go right." "You got a lot of gifts but hanging a "Louie" isn't one of them." "Sit down." "You want to hear some great news?" "Mugatu wants you for his new campaign." "Didn't you hear me?" "I just retired." "But this is Mugatu." "Right now, this guy is so hot." "He can take a crap, wrap it in tin foil, put a couple of fishhooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings." "You're the laughing stock of the entire fashion world." "What do we do when we fall off the horse?" "We get back on." "Sorry, Maury." "I'm not a gymnast." "I'm going back home." "I need to get in touch with my roots." "Figure out who I am." "See you around, Maury." "Hey, Pop?" "It's me." "Scrappy, Luke, remember your brother?" "What do you want?" "I thought maybe I could work the mines with you guys." "All the Zoolander men together again like when we were kids." "Times have changed." "You wouldn't last a day." "Can't you even pretend to be happy to see me, Pop?" "Damn it, Derek." "I'm a coalminer, not a professional actor." "Do us all a favour and get out of here." "Pop, wait." "Please." "Give me a chance." "I won't let you down." "I promise." "Hold very still." "I'm working right now." " This..." " Ouch!" "I'm sorry." "Did my pin get in the way of your ass?" "Do me a favour." "Lose five pounds immediately or get out of my building now." "Get out!" "I'm so tired." "No, Todd." "Not now." "It's Maury." "Tell me something good." " You may have to look for someone else." " There is no one else." " The show is in ten days." " I hear you, but he's mixed up." "He went home." "He's talking of tutoring underprivileged retards or some shit." "I don't care what it takes." "Get him back." " We're running out of time." "Capisce?" " Yeah." "Now if I can only ca-piss." "My prostate is flaring up like a torch." "Give me a little pee-pee." "A couple of drops." "That's what I'm talking about!" "Surprise!" "What the matter with you?" " Machecko back to pass." " He's feeling pressure from Pressman." "John Deruso, the wide receiver." "He's got 'em wide open in the middle of the field." "Big rush!" "Who's winning?" "State." "I think I'm getting the black lung, Pop." "It's not well ventilated down there." "For Christ's sake." "You've been down there one day." "Talk to me in 30 years." "Moisture is the essence of wetness." "And wetness is the essence of beauty." "Why did you have to come back to this damn town?" "I wanted to make a new life for myself." "I'm sorry I was born with perfect bone structure that my hair looks better with gel and mousse than hidden under a stupid hat with a light on it." "All I ever wanted to do was make you proud of me." "With male modelling?" "Prancing around in your underwear with your weener hanging out for everyone to see?" "You're dead to me, boy." "You're more dead to me than your dead mother." "I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid." "Mer-man." "Mer-man!" "Who am I?" "Hello." "Derek, you hearing me?" " God?" " What the shit are you talking about?" "It's me, Maury." "I hope you've finished touching your roots." "Mugatu's making an offer you won't believe." "You got to get back." "To tell you the truth." "I was a little hesitant, Mr Mugatu." "I mean, you've never hired me before and I've been around for..." "Ages and ages." "I never wanted anything from you." "Now you're retired, I can't have you." "It's funny how it switches." "But now the forbidden fruit must be tasted." "When Maury told me what you were willing to do..." "Todd, are you not aware I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte?" "My mistake, Jacobim." "Your mistake indeed." "Yes, Derek." "What Maury said I was willing to do for you." "Let's get back to the reason why we're really here." "Without much further ado, I give you..." "The Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good." "What is this?" "A centre for ants?" "What?" "How can children to learn to read if they can't even fit inside the building?" " Derek, it's just..." " I don't want excuses." "The centre has to be at least three times bigger than this." "He's absolutely right." "Thank you." " I have a vision." " And so do I." "Let me show you mine." "I can't help you." "I know nothing about Mugatu." "You've represented every male model in his campaigns." "You must know him." "Even if I did, why would I talk to you?" "Why did you pick on Derek Zoolander in that story?" "He's never hurt a fly." "Don't change the subject." "What about Mugatu's exploitation of Malaysian sweatshop workers?" "Want an opinion?" "With a push-up bra, you could have a nice rack of lamb up there." "Let me show you the future of fashion." "Let me show you "Derelicte"." "It's a fashion, a way of life inspired by the homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this city unique." "And I want you to be the face, the image, nay, the spirit of "Derelicte"." "It'll be your glorious comeback." "Sounds cool." "I'd like you to meet Katinka lngabogovinana." "She'll be your day to day on the campaign." "Let's get this model on his way." "The big show is in eight days." "Like a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, you must become "Derelicte"." "You want me to sleep in the gutter?" "We're sending you to an exclusive day spa." "So exclusive, no one knows about it." "Our little secret, OK?" " Matilda, hey." " Hey, Arch, what's up?" "Nothing." "I just been putting together these articles on Mugatu you asked for." "Very thorough." "Thank you." "I couldn't get any info on him before 1 995." "He just appeared out of the blue." "Really." "That's strange." " Matilda Jefferies." " Keep pulling the sweater." " Excuse me." " Eventually the whole thing will unravel." "You mean if you pull the thread the whole thing will unravel?" "Now you're talking." "If you want to know more, go to Pier 12." "Things aren't what they seem." "What kind of spa is this?" "It's designed for deep relaxation." "Let's get you loosened up." "I'm sorry." "Matilda, what are you doing here?" "I was..." "What are you doing here?" "I thought you quit the business." "Haven't you heard?" "I'm the new face of Mugatu's "Derelicte" campaign." "But you said Mugatu never hires you." "He changed his mind." "It's only the biggest ever campaign." "What is this?" "Who are you?" "This is private property." "Nils!" "I suggest you and your K-Mart Jaclyn Smith collection outfit stay the hell away from Derek Zoolander." "How do you feel, Derek?" "OK." "When's the seaweed wrap?" "Shut up now." "I want you to relax." "And breathe deeply." "Breathe deeply." "I like this song." "Of course you do." "Welcome to your relaxation time." "Let this wonderful '80s classic soothe you." "Just a nice, warm, happy time." "Happy, happy." "Happy." "Nothing to worry about at all." "Just relax." "Hey, there, Derek." "My name is Little Kleatus." "I'm just a regular kid who wants you to know the truth about child labour laws." "OK." "They're silly and outdated." "In the good old days, kids as young as five could work as they pleased." "From textile factories to iron smelts." "But today the age-old right of children to work is under attack." "From the Philippines to Bangladesh, China and India and South America too." "But you can help these children, by killing the Prime Minister of Malaysia." "He's bad." "What?" "You'll learn martial arts." "Prime Minister of Malaysia, bad." "Martial arts, good." "Kill naughty man." "Obey my dog." "On the runway you have one objective." "Do not be distracted by beautiful celebrities." "Do as you've been trained to do and kill the Malaysian Prime Minister." "Karate chop!" "Bad man!" "Awful man." "In your blue suit and spiky black hair." "Kill!" "You're a super-hot Ninja machine." "Are you there?" " Hold your horses." " Open the door." " What a cuckoo dream!" " Derek?" "Are you OK?" "I've been trying to reach you for a week." "A week?" "Are you having a whack-attack?" " I saw you this afternoon." " That was last Friday." "Earth to Matilda." "I was at a day spa." "Day." "D-A-l-Y-E." "OK?" "I think I know what this is about." "I'm very complimented but not interested." " What?" " I can't sleep with you." " My head is killing me..." " What are you talking about?" " If you want to fool around..." " I don't wanna sleep with you." "You've been missing for a week." "Look at the date?" "Mugatu's "Derelicte" show is tomorrow night." "I don't care what the date says." "You have 1200 messages." "That is a bit above average." "What happened in that spa?" "I don't know." "A massage, aromatherapy." "You can't barge into people's lofts wanting sex then changing your mind, saying they've been at day spa for a week." " You have been at a day spa for a week." " So what?" "The world does not revolve around you and your do whatever it takes, ruin peoples' lives so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatoryjournalist no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead along the way" "so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatoryjournalist no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead along the way..." " I said I was sorry about that article." " Enough." "My head hurts." "And if it is the day you say it is, I have a pre-runway party to attend." "If you'll excuse me." " By the way..." " What?" "With your complexion, you shouldn't wear your hair pulled back." "What are you talking about?" "It pulls back the skin on your forehead, creating tension which clogs the pores." "That's why you have a light dryness around your scalp." "Do you mind?" "Cool." "I do not like snoopy reporter with lack of fashion sense." "Not one little bit." "I just e-mailed you those searches on male models who've appeared in Mugatu campaigns." "It's weird." "It seems all Mugatu's models have a habit of dying in freak accidents." " Wait a second." " What?" " Shit." " What's going on?" "I don't want to hang out." "I just need to speak to Derek Zoolander." "I thought the way you handled losing the award to Hansel then you laid low for a while, and then made your comeback..." "It was so courageous." "I have to pee, but I'd like to continue this conversation when I come back." " Everything cool, Derek?" " It's great." "Thank you." " You rule." " Thanks, Paris." "I appreciate that." " Hey, Derek." " Hey, Maurice." "Derek, back on top, man." "Thanks, Billy." "You rock." "No, you rock." "When are you gonna drop "Magnum" on us?" "Not yet." "Gotta tame the beast before you let it out of its cage." "Excuse me, bro'." "You're excused." "And I'm not your bro'." "Whatever, dude." "Peace." "God bless." "Hansel, I'm sorry you didn't get Mugatu's "Derelicte" campaign." "Maybe next time." " What's that?" " Mugatu's "Derelicte" campaign." "Oh, yeah?" "I've never even heard of it." "We've been bathing off the southern coast of St. Barts with monkeys, tripping on acid." "Changed our whole perspective." "I guess you can Dere-lick my balls, Capitan." "Will you hold this?" "I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much." "You think you're too cool for school." "But I got a news flash for you, Walter Cronkite..." "You aren't." "Who are you trying to get crazy with?" "Don't you know I'm loco?" "Hey, I got a wacky idea..." "What say we settle this on the runway Han Solo." "Stop it." "Are you challenging me to a walk off?" "Boo..." "lander." "Don't do this, Derek." "Listen to your friend, Billy Zane." "He's a cool dude." "He's trying to help you out." "Oh, yeah?" "That's a walk off challenge, my friend." "Ten minutes." "Old Members Only Warehouse." "You should remember." "You're a dinosaur." "Let's go." "Open up." "I heard some mad stories about him." "He's too limber." "Put a cork in it, Zane." "It's a walk off." "This is urgent." "Do you have any..." "Where's everyone going?" " Good luck." "Kick Hansel's ass." " Thanks, Rico." "I'll try." "You want to see the real world of male modelling?" "The one they don't show in magazines or E Channel?" "I guess." "I have something really important to talk to you about." "Not now, Matilda." "Han-sell-out is about to have his Han-sell-ass handed to him on a platter with French fried potatoes." "Katinka, thought you might want to know." "Your boy Zoolander's rolling." "It's a walk off." "All right who's gonna call this sucker?" "If nobody has any objections..." "I believe I might be of service." "Now this'll be a straight walk off, old school rules." "First model walks." "Second model duplicates then elaborates." "OK boys." "Let's go to work." " Age before beauty." " Whatever." "Right." "Playschool, baby." "You got to cut me." "I'm blind out there." "Evian." "Evian." "Where am I?" "Kick it, Has." "I'm going monk." "I gotta go monk." "Prayer." "Prayer." "Pray to the great spirit." "Why's he sticking his hand in his pants?" "Do it, Hansel." "That's it!" "You're not a kid anymore." "You could hurt yourself out there." "I can do this, Tyson." "Thank God I wore underwear today." "He's going for it." "Disqualified." "Derek, come on." " What's going on?" " I think Katinka wants to kill you." "Good." "I deserve to die if I can't even beat Han-suck-ass in a walk off." "Derek, that's not true." "He had to miraculously pull his underwear out of his butt just to beat you." "And all he had to do was turn left." "What do you mean?" "I'm not an ambi-turner." "It's a problem I had since I was a baby." "I can't turn left." "That's nothing to be ashamed of." "I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who can't turn..." "There have got to be some people out there just like you, who can't... turn... turn..." "left..." "Hello?" "If you want answers, come to Saint Adonis Cemetery now." "Wait." "Who are you?" " Who was that?" " I'm not sure." "I have to go to Saint Adonis Cemetery." "I'll take you to my apartment." "Stay there till I get back." "Can I come?" "I don't want to be alone tonight." "Pedro Scialfa." "He died when he was 29." "Vin Correjo." "Derrière extraordinaire." "92 minus 63." "None of them ever made it past 30." " I did." " Who are you?" " It's not important." " Are you a ghost?" "He called, Derek." "Let's take a walk." "You think Zoolander's in trouble?" "Think again." "What you stumbled upon goes deeper than you could fathom." "The fashion industry has been behind every major political assassination over the last 200 years." "And behind every hit, a card-carrying male model." " OK." "That's impossible." " Oh, yeah?" "Listen and learn, sweetness." "Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right?" "But who made the wigs and stockings worn by our country's early leaders?" "Mugatu." "Slaves, Derek." "And without their free labour, prices on such items would have gone up tenfold." "So the powers that be hired John Wilkes Booth." "The original model / actor to do Mr Lincoln in." "I'll go on." "Dallas, Texas, 1 963." "Kennedy put a trade embargo on Cuba, ostensibly halting the shipment of Cuban manufactured Sansabelt Slacks, very popular at the time." "Lee Harvey Oswald was not a male model." "Goddamn right, he wasn't." "But those two lookers who capped Kennedy from the Grassy Knoll were." "Well, what about you?" "How do you fit into all this?" "This nation was swept..." "I'll get it, man." "Get over..." "Wait a minute." "I know that hand." "It was in the fall 1 973 Bulova watch catalogue." "You're JP Prewitt." "The world's greatest hand model." "Once upon a time." "But things change." "Thanks to this homemade hyperbaric chamber my sweet baby never did." "Let's keep moving." "Then I found out I was in line to assassinate Jimmy Carter." " How did you escape?" " Because I'm a hand model." "We don't think like face and body boys." "We're a different breed." " So why male models?" " Think about it, Derek." "Male models were genetically constructed to become assassins." "They're in peak physical condition." "They can gain entry into the most secure places in the world." "And most important of all, models don't think for themselves." " They do as they're told." " That is not true." " Yes it is, Derek." " OK." "Think about any photo shoot you've ever been on." "You're a monkey, Derek." "Dance in the little shiny shoes." "Smash you cymbals." "Dance, Derek, dance." "Good point." "But if this has been going on for so long, Mugatu..." "He's just a punk ass errand boy working for an international syndicate of fashion designers." "Do a background check on Mugatu." "He sold his soul to the devil for a shot at the big time." "But why male models?" "You're serious?" "I just told you a moment ago." "Right." "You're a killing machine, Derek." "They programmed you." " But I won't kill anybody." " It's not up to you." "At the proper moment they'll trigger you." "With an auditory or visual Pavlovian response mechanism." "Audi-what-y?" "And when it's over..." "What?" "There's an after-party?" "You got to get Maury Ballstein's computer." "He recorded everything in case they ever turned on him." "Derek, get a grip." "Good luck to you, Derek." "I've always been a fan of "Blue Steel"." "And I hear "Magnum" will blow us all away." "Come on." " Get out of here." " Hang in there, JP." "You freakin' idiot." "Man, that was close." "I can't believe Maury's in on it too." "That she-male, Katinka, is not messing around." "You're telling me." "I thought someone was going to be reading our eugoogoly." "We need to hide." "Where's the last place anyone would look for you?" "I don't know." "Think, OK?" "This is important." "I hate Hansel!" "Everywhere I look, Hansel, Hansel, Hansel." "Are you looking for a rematch?" "Excuse me, Hansel." "There's no easy way to put this so I'll lay it out." "Derek has been brainwashed to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia." "And?" "We need a place to hide until we figure this whole thing out." "Derek said this would be the last place anyone would look for him." "You're cool to hide here." "But first me and him gotta straighten some shit out." "Fine." "Why you been acting so messed up towards me?" "Why you been acting so messed up towards me?" "You go first." "I don't know." "Maybe I felt a little threatened cos... your career is blossoming and mine's winding down or whatever." "I felt like this guy's really hurting me." "And it hurt." "And I felt like when you told me to Dere-lick my balls, that really hurt." "Maybe I was scared, man." "You're Derek Zoolander." "Yeah, you're Derek Zoolander." "You know what it's like to be a model in the Derek Zoolander shadow?" "You want to hear something crazy?" "Your work in the winter '95 "International Male Catalogue" made me want to be a model." "I friggin' worship you, man." "I'm sorry I was wack." "I was wack." "I was wack." "Welcome to chez Hansel." "Hide out here as long as you want." "There isn't much time." "The show's tomorrow night." "We have to figure out a plan by then." "I'll round up the troops here." "Hey, what's up?" "This is Derek and Matilda." "You know Natani and Chloe." "You got Buzzy Sullivan." "Big wave surfer from Maverick." "I met this fantastic band, "The Little Kings", ice sailing in Finland." "That's my Sherpa, Lopsang." "Everybody, listen up for a second." "Derek and Matilda are in hiding cos some dudes brainwashed Derek to off the Prime Minister of Micronesia." " Malaysia." " Right." "So they're hiding here for a while." "Show 'em a good time." " Right on." " Yeah." "All right." "Over here." "Ennui." "Do me a favour." "Will you get that tea me and Lopsang got when we were free climbing the Mayan ruins." "This is really strong tea." "No, it's just right, trust me." "What with all the intrigue you guys have been dealing with." "Matilda, I'm a little surprised you're so worried about Derek." "From your article it seems like you don't care much about guys in our line of work." "Why do you hate models, Matilda?" "Honestly?" "Yes." "I think they're vain, stupid..." "and incredibly self-centred." "I totally agree with you." "But how do you feel about male models?" "Sweet." "OK, but seriously, Matil..." "Can I call you Matil?" "What's the deal, yo-yo?" "You're not telling us the whole story." " There's something else, isn't there?" " You really want to know?" " Yeah." " OK, then I'll tell you." "When I was in seventh grade I was the fat kid in my class." "All right." "Forget it." " No, no, no..." " Dude, be cool." "I'm sorry." "Please go ahead." "My mistake." "I was the one that all the pretty girls made fun of." "It was an awkward phase." "Anyway, everyday after school, I'd come home and flip through my mom's "Vogue" and "Glamour"." "I'd look at these women." "Perfect, beautiful, unbelievable, skinny women." "I just couldn't understand why I didn't look like them." "I just didn't get it." "So I became..." "What?" "Bulimic." "You can read minds?" "It's when you throw up after every meal." "See, you know." "This is exactly what you models do to people." "You make them feel bad about themselves." "So what?" "I throw up after lots of meals." "It's a great way to lose pounds before a show." "Are you insane?" "Do you understand, it's a disease?" "Did the guys not want to get busy with you?" "Good point." "OK, you know what?" "I'm not going to sit here and discuss my sex life, or or lack thereof." "You mean you haven't really done it in a while?" "Yeah." "OK, what's a while?" "Like eight days?" "More?" " Try a couple of years." " Oh!" "Snap!" "How do you live?" "Seriously, do you service yourself ten times a day?" " End of discussion." " Easy." "OK, hold on..." "I'm not comfortable talking..." "Easy." "This has been an emotional day for all of us." "I think we should get naked." " What?" " Don't ask questions." "Just give in to the power of the tea." "So, I'm rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip." "I start to fall." "I'm about to die." "Hot bread, Zeke." "Just falling." "I'll never forget the terror." "When suddenly I remember," ""Holy shit, Hansel." "Haven't you been smoking Peyote for six straight days?" ""And couldn't some of this be in your mind?"" "And?" "It was." "I was totally fine." "I've never been to Mount Vesuvius." " Cool story, Hansel." " Thanks, Olaf." "Dude, how dope was last night?" "In the Soil Room, you couldn't see anything." "It was like who's that?" "Who's this?" "I think I'm falling for Matilda, Hansel." "I wasn't going to say anything, but it was crazy energy between you guys." "It was like, look out." "There was a moment last night when she was between the Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen..." "Oh, yeah." "...where I thought I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman." "Really?" " What do you call that?" " I think you call that love." "What time is it?" " Almost 5:00." " What?" "Hey guys, the show is in three hours." "Derek is dead unless we get that evidence." "Easy." "How about, "Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel." ""Thanks for the freakfest last night."" "Hello?" "Hi, Katinka..." "No, I just had a really late party last night." "Where am I?" "Hang up the phone." "Now." "I have to go." "I'll see you at 7:00." "Bye." "Derek, I told you to turn off your phone." "Turn off my phone?" "Turn off my phone?" "Earth to Matilda..." "The phone is as much part of me as..." "Can we just cut it out with the "earth to's" please?" "We're not saying this is the earth calling you." "I got that." "I understand you don't literally mean..." "No, I don't think you do." "Listen." "It's not like we think we're actually in a control tower trying to reach outer space aliens or something, OK?" " Snap." " A joke." "Instead of doing that I'm gonna figure out a way into Maury's before Derek assassinates a world leader." "Wait a minute." "I might just have an idea." "They'll be looking for us at Maury's right?" "But they won't be looking for not us." "Derek, what are you talking about?" "Do you have a cosmetics case?" "Sure." "Just for touch-ups or whatever." " What are you going to do with that?" " That'll do." "I used to do my own make-up, styling and tailoring." "If I create a disguise for us, we may just sneak into Maury's undetected." "You is talking loco and I like it." "Welcome to "Derelicte"." "Welcome to "Derelicte"." "Welcome to "Derelicte"." "Hansel calling Matil." "We have entry." "OK." "I hear you." "Once you get the info, e-mail it to my office." "I'll download the files and we'll take the information to the police." "We hear you loud and clear." "Listen, Matil." "I've been thinking a lot about that bulimia thing." "I want you to know I understand where you're coming from." "I feel really bad that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself." "For serious." " Thanks, Derek." "Now hurry up." " OK." "I finally got the results on the name check on Jacobim Mugatu." " Or should I say, Jacob Moogberg." " What?" "He changed his name when he went into fashion." "He was the original guitar synth player for Frankie Goes To Hollywood." "He got kicked out before they got big with that song "Relax"." "After the Frankie folks gave him the heave-ho he held a series of odd jobs until get this..." "he invented the piano-key necktie in 1 985." "He's been a fashion designer ever since." "First obstacle." " Ever used one of these?" " I don't think so." "Watch out." "Fix that hem." "Jason, please, I need..." "Katinka." " He's not here yet." " That little toad-face better show up." " He will show." " Good." "Because I'm a hot little potato right now." "There must be an "on" button somewhere." "Did you press that apple thing?" "Wait!" "Hansel!" "Let's not lose our cool." "Then we're no better than the machine." " It's almost 7:00." "I gotta go." " No!" "Derek." "Wait." "They'll make you kill the Eurasian dude." "I don't care." "I've never been late to a show." " And I don't plan on starting now." " Dammit, you're right." "Do me a favour." "If anything happens to me, give this to Matilda." " No." " Please, Hansel, take it." "Take it." "Let's just say..." "I'll hold on to it till you get back." "Go!" "Go!" "We're live at the "Derelicte" show, where controversial designer, Jacobim Mugatu has extended the olive branch to the Malaysian Prime Minister making him the show's guest of honour." "And starring in that show, veteran supermodel, Derek Zoolander." "What's happening?" "Did you find the files?" "Matilda, we've got problems." "Derek's left for the show." "He can't." "We don't know what the trigger is." "He just ran out of here." "I couldn't stop him." " I'll try his phone." " He don't have it." " What?" " He don't have it." "He always has it." " He gave it to me." " Did you find the files?" " What do they look like?" " They're in the computer." "In the computer?" "Yeah." "I just don't know how he labelled them." " I got it." " You got to figure it out." "We're running out of time." "Find them and meet me at the show." "Roger." "In the computer." "It's so simple." "Just cut up a couple of cantaloupes with cottage cheese if you're hungry." "Not now." "I need to figure out the trigger before Derek kills the Prime Minister." "You just seemed tense." "I was trying to help you relax." "Relax?" "The last thing I need to do is..." "That's it." "Vagrants and whores, you're wanted in make-up." "Runaways and street hustlers next." " You had us worried, Derek." " Everything's cool." " I'm super-psyched for the show." " Good." "Just remember, relax." "Two minutes, Derek." "There he is." "I just wanted to wish you good luck." "Don't you mean goodbye?" "What are you talking?" "I know it was you Maury." "I know it was you and it breaks my heart." "Derek, I don't know what you're talking..." "I'm sorry." "Glad you can join us, K-Mart." "Lucky for you there's no dress code." "I am the vile spew of the wretched masses." "I am really, really dirty." "I am "Derelicte!"" "You make me sick to my stomach, Jaco." "It will all be over soon." "Derek Zoolander will be dead and you'll be fine." "You always are." "Derek, you're on." "It's "Relax"." "I'm fine." "I've done this a thousand times." "The trigger." "It's..." "Concentrate, "Derelicte"." "Do not be distracted by the beautiful celebrities." "Do what you've been trained to do and kill the Malaysian Prime Minister." "I got your back." "What?" "It's that damn Hansel." "He's so hot right now." "Popping and locking, fool." "They're break-dance fighting." "Derek Zoolander just tried to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia." "That's bullshit." "Listen up, everyone." "Mugatu's a dick!" "He tried to brainwash Derek to kill the Claymation dude." "That's a lie." "Zoolander snapped because he's over the hill." "He knew his career was over." "He couldn't face it." "No way, compadre." "We've got 30 years worth of files in this computer that will bring you down." "Oh, no..." "Down!" "Where did all the files go?" "I'm taking you out." "Taste my pain, bitch!" "Deal with that!" "You don't have the guts, K-Mart." "Wanna bet?" "By the way, you were wrong about my outfit." "It's the Cheryl Ladd collection and I got it at JC Penny's." "On sale." "Jig's up, Mugatu." "Everything they're saying is true." "I've been in on it for 30 years." "What are you doing, Ballstein?" "I'm done, Jaco." "I've got a prostate the size of a honeydew and a head full of bad memories." "It's time to set things straight." "You have no evidence." "Han-stupid destroyed everything." "I've got two words for you, sugar:" "zip disk." "The whole thing is in my den in Long lsland." "I can have that evidence here in 20 minutes." "Attaboy, Maury!" "Hold on a second." "I'm afraid of the radiation." "Sheila, honey, it's me." "Listen, I need you to bring that zip disk in the den down to the fashion show." "I don't care about the traffic." "Take the service road and get off before the bridge." "So put it in one of those tupperware containers and I'll heat it up in the microwave when I get home." "For Christ's sake, it's a casserole, Sheila, it'll stay." "Shut up!" "Enough already, Ballstein." "Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway?" "The man has only one look, for Christ's sake." ""Blue Steel", "Ferrari", "Le Tigre"." "They're the same face." "Doesn't anyone notice this?" "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills." "I invented the piano-key necktie." "I invented it!" "What have you got, Derek?" "You've got nothing." "Nothing!" "And I will be a monkey's uncle if I have you ruin this for me." "If you can't get the job done, then I will." "Die, you wage-hiking scum!" "One look?" "One look?" "I don't think so." "There it is." ""Magnum."" "Holy moly." "Yeah, baby!" "That's what I've been waiting for." "Dear God, it's beautiful." "That's my kid!" "That's my son." "I love that kid." "Dumb as a stump but I love him." " Derek, you did it!" "That was amazing." " I know!" "I turned left." "That too." "But you saved the Prime Minister of Malaysia." "Oh right." "Cool." "Thank you, Derek Zoolander for saving my life." "Hi." "I'm former male supermodel, Derek Zoolander." "And here at the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good" "And Who Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too we teach students of all ages everything they need to know to learn to be a professional model and a professional human being." "Our diverse faculty includes business management teacher and former model agent, Maury Ballstein." "The designer's offering you ten million plus three per cent of every pair of underwear sold." "What are you gonna do?" "Screw him!" "Hold out for more!" "That's what I'm talking about." "So join now." "At the Derek Zoolander Center" "For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Who Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too we teach you that there's more to life than just being really, really good-looking." " Right, kids?" " Right." "And cut!" " That's great, Derek." "I think we got it." " All right." "Thanks." "All right everybody, it's a wrap." " Hey, Hansel." " Hey, D-Rock." "I'm taking the kids to George Washington Bridge and teach them base-jumping." " See you in the teacher's lounge later?" " All right." "All right, guys." "Last one to the helicopter is a rotten egg." "Let's go!" " Hey, Matilda." " There's daddy!" " How's Derek Junior?" " Great." "Guess what?" " He made his first look today." " Really?" "You wanna show daddy your look?" " You wanna hang out for story hour?" " Great." "Let's go." " Hey, kids." "Who wants to hear a story." " Yeah!" "English (en)"