"( theme song playing )" "Thank you, Fraulein." "Bitte, Herr General." "Herr Doctor Felzer here is with research." "Project 49." "Oh, really." "Oh, I think research is marvelous." "His authority comes directly from the Fuhrer." "The Fuhrer?" "I'm all ears." "I thought you might be." "The matter I have to discuss with you is top secret." "I'm afraid we cannot talk about it here." "Dr. Felzer, I assure you this is the safest place in all of Germany." "FELZER:" "Stalag 13's record is well known in Berlin, Kommandant." "Thank you, sir." "But any room can be wired." "Oh, I agree." "But you see, we are an exception." "There are no hidden microphones here." "KLINK:" "This room is not wired." "Of course, Klink's office is not wired." "Sure isn't wired!" "Hold it, fellas," "I'd like to be able to hear." "FELZER:" "You have been chosen for an assignment that involves the highest security project in the Third Reich." "Are you sure you have the right man, Doctor?" "You asked me that in Berlin, Herr General." "I know, and it still mystifies me." "I suggest we take a ride in General Burkhalter's car." "We can discuss the matter in absolute privacy." "Excellent idea, Dr. Felzer." "I had the same thought myself." "Almost simultaneously." "Big secrets." "Something bloody important, that's for sure." "LeBeau, I think you should hitch a ride with the General." "Hey, Shultz!" "What are you doing out of the barracks?" "We need your help." "I have a bet that LeBeau is small enough to fit in the trunk of a car, any car, even this car." "And I say I'm too tall." "You want me to settle the bet?" "Yeah, right." "It's against regulation to bet." "For a percentage?" "Step this way, gentlemen." "Aha!" "You lost." "The Colonel won." "As usual." "Okay, thank you." "Okay, Schultz, I promised you a percentage." "All right, LeBeau, back to the barracks." "Oui, Colonel." "It's the easiest money I ever made." "Yeah?" "Well, LeBeau insisted on betting." "I wouldn't gamble on a thing like that," "I'm much too smart." "That's right, Schultz." "Nobody puts anything over on you." "Oh, you said it." "Atomic research?" "Oui, mon Colonel." "In a specially built secret laboratory." "Where?" "Doctor Felzer didn't give the location." "Why didn't you ask him?" "Very funny." "I was in danger every minute." "What are they doing fooling around with the atom?" "They're trying to make a bomb, dummy." "Well, I don't want to have anything to do with it." "We got enough bombs already." "For future use." "A rainy day." "And they want Klink to be in charge of security?" "Oui." "Felzer said it would be his responsibility to protect the secret." "How do you split an atom?" "You can split almost anything." "But an atom?" "Carter." "Klink was picked for the job because of his good record in Berlin." "That's our fault." "Burkhalter promised Klink a promotion if he does a good job." "That's great." "That's great." "We make it possible for him to get this job and a promotion." "We get a new commandant and we're finished." "Hoisted on our own petard." "What does that mean?" "Keep working on the atom, hmm?" "Isn't there any way to stop Klink, Colonel?" "I don't know." "The first priority is that research plant." "We don't even know where it is." "No, but Klink may by this time." "Yeah, but if it's top secret, he wouldn't tell you." "I know I wouldn't." "Carter, it never hurts to ask." "You want me to pack these records?" "What are they?" "Tommy Dorsey," "Sheffields and his Rippling Rhythm," "Bob Crosby and the Bob Cats and Lawrence Welk and the champagne music, a-one, a-two..." "Left over from before the war, all decadent American artists." "I used to like "Marie."" "* Marie, my heart is breaking, ba-ba-ba-boom... *" "Your heart will be breaking in very cold weather if you don't stop that noise and get on with the packing!" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "( knocking ) Come in!" "Hi, Commandant." "Hilda told me you were here and..." "Going on leave, sir?" "No, Hogan." "What do you want?" "Well, I was wondering if you'd be one of the judges for our rumba contest on the 31st." "You can discuss all that with the new commandant." "Dismissed, Hogan." "New commandant, sir?" "You're leaving our winter wonderland?" "Yes." "I'm being transferred." "And I must say I'm looking forward to the challenge of the new assignment." "The bald eagle takes to the skies again." "Wheels up at dawn." "We, who are about to die, salute you." "It's bad news for our side, Commandant, with you back up in the wild, blue yonder again." "Boy, did he guess wrong." "Those of us who are on the ground also serve the Fatherland." "Should've realized you're too valuable for combat." "You'll be a big hit on the staff of the high command, sir." "Hogan!" "I told you that I..." "You mean, I could really handle staff work?" "I think it's agreed that you're kind of a military genius." "Then you will be on the planning staff?" "My assignment is top secret." "Why are you so interested?" "Nothing, I just thought you might like to hear from us, a postcard, birthday greeting, perhaps?" "Oh, that's very thoughtful." "Schultz!" "Shut up!" "Well, Christmas gift, perhaps." "Where do we write to you, Commandant?" "Oh, my new address will be" "Luftwaffe Post Office 409, Berlin." "Yeah." "Well, thanks." "KLINK:" "Oh, Hogan?" "Nothing expensive for Christmas." "It's just the thought that counts." "How much can it cost to gift wrap a hand grenade?" "Dismissed!" "Strudel, strudel." "I'm going to miss it." "I'm going to miss it." "Well, maybe there will be someone to make it for you at your new post." "Where did you say it is?" "I didn't." "Come on, you can tell me." "Well, I really don't know." "Tomorrow, Dr. Felzer is going to take the commandant and myself on an inspection tour of the new place." "Fine, I'll meet you here tomorrow night." "Maybe I'll make a chocolate eclair." "Chocolate eclair." "But I won't be able to tell you." "What?" "Look, cockroach." "You have been here long enough to know that I know nothing!" "You must know something." "I know nothing!" "Nothing!" "That's hard to believe, Shultz." "You always look so intelligent." "And you know nothing either!" "( scoffs )" "That's enough!" "Raus!" "Raus!" "Raus!" "Back to the barracks!" "I got it." "13,247 kilometers." "Nice going." "And 6/10." "Kinch, you better get in touch with the underground." "We're going to need somebody who knows the countryside." "Bring him in through the emergency tunnel tonight." "Right." "Newkirk?" "Sir?" "Better stand by and check the mileage when he gets back." "Right, sir." "( yelps )" "Burkhalter's car traveled approximately 12 miles out and 12 miles back, all within that radius." "Somewhere in there, the Krauts have an atomic laboratory." "Any ideas, Carla?" "Yeah, I've got a few." "We're looking for a laboratory, Newkirk, not a date for you." "This is farm country." "Many orchards in here." "The towns, Grubstein, Marbenshlur, Eindorf," "Flenseim..." "It doesn't figure to be in a town." "Suggestion, sir." "Has there been any rumors of local girls going to dances or parties in that 12-mile radius?" "Maybe Carla would know." "I don't think they'd have dances at a laboratory." "He would." "He's always thinking about girls and all that funny stuff." "It's disgusting." "It's a hobby." "Obviously." "Well, I had the same hobby in civilian life." "Forget it." "There are many places to hide a laboratory here." "Underground perhaps." "You know, they might be disguising this place as a factory or a war plant of some kind." "No, no, no." "We know every war plant, every factory in that area." "There are no new ones." "We've got to find it somehow." "It's ironic, isn't it?" "I mean, here we stand knocking our brains out, and right across the compound there are three Krauts who have the answer." "Tried pumping Klink, no clues." "Couldn't get close enough to Felzer to even work on him." "Well, that leaves Schultz." "He's the logical one, but LeBeau couldn't get anything out of him either." "I could try again, Colonel." "Only throwing good strudel after bad." "If there was only some way to get inside that skull of his." "Several weeks ago, one of our agents was captured by the Gestapo." "They questioned him." "Instead of their usual filthy methods, they injected him with a drug." "He told them everything they wanted to know." "Truth serum." "Sodium Pentathol." "Where would we get sodium Pentathol?" "Kinch, radio London." "Have them drop it in, along with a hypodermic and instructions." "Right, Colonel." "Kinch, you better tell them, when they drop that stuff, make sure there's a doctor holding on to it." "Not necessary, Newkirk." "Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Dr. Schnitzler of the Luftwaffe Medical Corps." "Nice to meet you, Herr Doctor." "How are you, doctor?" "Charmed, I'm sure." "All right, let's go." "There he is." "Let's go." "Good luck, doctor." "Danke." "And if I'm not back in five minutes, sir, you better come after me-- with a real doctor." "( German accent ):" "Sergeant Schultz!" "Major." "Major Schnitzler," "Luftwaffe Medical Corps." "Have orders to inoculate you and, uh, Colonel Klink." "Something to do with a new post you're going to." "Inoculation?" "With a needle?" "Of course." "Now, where can I do this?" "( nervous chuckle )" "Major, I am on guard duty." "I cannot leave my post." "Never mind that." "We can go in here." "It'll only take a minute." "You'll be back on duty immediately." "But, Major, I cannot stand needles." "Uh, whenever I see a needle," "I faint and fall down." "( chuckles ):" "You fall down?" "That would be a very interesting phenomenon to observe." "Come!" "Sergeant!" "All right." "( soft groan )" "( goofy whimpering )" "There, I told you it wouldn't hurt." "You know, with all that blubber," "I thought I'd have to use radar to find the vein." "Now, just relax." "I want you to start counting backwards from 100." "Just want to be sure the inoculation's working." "100... 99... 98... 98..." "What comes after 98?" "Sleep." "Hey, come and have a look." "You better tell the colonel." "Ready with the big fellow, sir." "You better stay out of sight when we wake him up just in case." "All right, LeBeau, you ask the questions." "Your voice is familiar." "Me, Colonel?" "You represent strudel to him." "Carter, take down everything he says, huh?" "Kinch, watch the door, please." "Yeah." "Right." "All right, go ahead." "Schultz!" "Achtung!" "Wake up!" "Oh, oh, Major," "I think I should not leave the post." "It's all over, Schultz." "The inoculation is finished." "All is in order." "Schultz, it's me, strudel." "Mmm, strudel." "When do you go to your new job?" "Ah, it's you, cockroach." "( chuckles )" "Are you having an inoculation, too?" "Your new job-- when are they transferring you?" "Ah, in a few days, when the Commandant will go to the laboratory." "LeBEAU:" "I'd like to come and see you." "Where is the place?" "How do I get there?" "Oh, it's a big door, and you go down steps and through the big door, and everybody wears white." "And aluminum." "Lots of aluminum." "Some research process with aluminum, I guess." "( gasps )" "What beautiful equipment they have." "Fantastic range." "Tell me more about the range." "( chuckles ):" "Fantastic!" "Fantastic!" "They're developing guns or missiles." "They must really be advanced." "LeBEAU:" "Laboratory, fantastic range." "Where?" "In, uh... in the kitchen." "Oh, they have the most beautiful aluminum pots and range you ever saw." "( gasps )" "So..." "A stove." "Bloody aluminum cooking pots." "Would that be an electric range or a gas range?" "Carter." "Maybe we should have taken the sodium Pentothal." "Right back where we started." "All he's got on his mind is the kitchen." "I got it all down, sir." "* Marie, my heart is ache... ( chuckles )" "Oh, and what a breakfast they served us." "( chuckles )" "The potatoes were a dream." "( gasps )" "Schultz, you like Flenseim potatoes?" "( chuckles )" "They are the best in all of Germany." "Nobody but nobody grows potatoes like the people in Flenseim." "* Flenseim, my heart is aching *" "* Flenseim, my heart is breaking... *" "( Schultz hums )" "Flenseim." "That is a town within the 12-mile radius." "Potato country." "Those potatoes could be shipped from Flenseim." "It's not much, but it's the only lead we've got." "Do you know anybody there?" "We have a few contacts." "I will go immediately and return tomorrow night, same place." "I'll be there waiting for you, love." "I volunteer, Colonel." "Somehow I knew you would." "Uh, Colonel." "* Flenseim... *" "What do we do with Humpty-Dumpty?" "Put his coat back on, take him outside." "* Flenseim..." "And, uh, call Major Bowes' Amateur Hour, huh?" "Aluminum pots." "I got it all down, sir." "Forget it." "The laboratory is located here, in the woods, a few miles away from town." "An underground installation underneath a bombed-out factory." "There's a farm road." "It goes right past the entrance there." "What about the guards?" "The man who did the reconnaissance said the guards are hidden right near the front of the building." "Now that we got it located on the map, Colonel, how do we knock it off?" "Well, ask London for an air strike." "No good." "It's underground." "We'll just have to do it ourselves." "How are we going to get in a bloody place like that?" "Well, there's one thing that might be useful." "The troops on guard take whatever they want from the countryside." "They give receipts to the people for what they take." "That's how Schultz got the Flenseim potatoes." "I can't see how that can possibly..." "Hold it, hold it." "Carla, you mean farm produce-- vegetables, eggs, things like that?" "Exactly." "They eat very well." "All right, look, I'll give you a list of things we need for tomorrow night." "Carter, I'll need some dynamite with some timers." "You got it, pal." "Uh, sir." "We'll also need a couple of ugly-looking peasant types." "Got more than we need." "HOGAN:" "We must be almost there." "I don't see any guards." "Don't worry." "They will find us." "HOGAN:" "That must be it." "MAN ( shouting ):" "Halt!" "Halt!" "Abend." "Abend." "Abend." "Where are you taking this?" "Hamilburg." "Luft Stalag 13." "They, uh..." "They buy all our vegetables." "Uh, we had better move on, Uncle Billy." "We are late." "Yes." "You are right." "Just a minute." "We'll take this stuff." "It's impossible." "We sell to Luft Stalag 13." "I don't care about them." "We do." "They pay cash." "You'll get paid." "Unload the baskets." "Come back tomorrow." "The quartermaster will give you a voucher." "A voucher." "Yeah, you can cash it in after the war." "It's out of the question." "We promised all of this to Luft Stalag 13." "And we just broke our promise." "Keep the motor running." "Put it down there." "( motorized whirring )" "All right, raus." "Halt." "You, the small one." "Bring the stuff in here." "I think he means you." "Thanks." "Raus!" "Raus!" "Colonel, those timers only have about six minutes left, and then they're gonna go off." "And LeBeau goes with 'em." "We got to get Louis out of there." "But if only we had a diversion." "I got a grenade." "Bless you, my boy." "It's wrapped around my waist." "All right, start undressing." "You-You know, I've always figured any time you might have one of these emergencies, it's not..." "Carter..." "Look at it." "Is that a beauty?" "All right, now when I give you the word, drop it in the ventilator." "Now?" "Now wait a minute." "We eat well tonight." "All right, drop it in, then run for the wagon." "I'll get LeBeau out of there." "Hold it." "You allowed this man to enter the building?" "Jawohl, Herr Lieutenant." "You know that's against all regulations." "You are in trouble." "Report to the sergeant at once." "Now you, get out of here at once!" "Schnell!" "( motorized whirring )" "Whoa." "Whoa, boy." "Whoa." "( deep rumbling )" "( explosions )" "That's what I call hot potatoes." "You ugly peasants did a great job." "Thank you, Uncle Billy." "Yeah, thank you." "Who's Uncle Billy?" "It's a long story, Carter." "You see, once upon a time, there was this POW camp in Germany." "You taking this down?" "Well..." "Good-bye." "So long, Carla." "Good luck." "( all taking at once )" "It was nice having you." "Watch it." "Klink." "Duck her." "Under there." "Quick." "Surprise inspection, Commandant?" "No, Hogan." "I just dropped by to give you some very good news." "You're going to surrender." "General Burkhalter canceled my transfer to the new post." "Hey, let's hear it for the commandant." "Oh, that's marvelous, Herr Kommandant," "Brilliant." "Good." "That is good news, sir." "What made him change his mind?" "He didn't change his mind." "The post changed." "It's not there anymore." "Not there anymore?" "The story I get is that some farmers sabotaged it." "Blew it up." "Oh, that's terrible." "Boy, it's all gone..." "The things people do." "That is terrible." "Hmm." "Some people are so impulsive." "Yeah, yeah." "( door closing )" "Oh, by the way, Hogan, now that I'm staying," "I will be able to judge that rumba contest for you on the 31st." "Oh, thank you, sir." "Thank you." "Mm-hmm." "Oh, boy, that was close." "Wow." "Oh." "CARTER:" "I'm telling you, boy." "Oh, what do we do now, Colonel?" "Organize a rumba contest." "We'll be back in time for the finals." "Oh, I hope so, Colonel." "( all talking )"