"(DELIRIOUSPLAYING)" "♪I getdelirious" "♪Wheneveryou'renear" "♪Loseallself-control Baby,justcan'tsteer" "♪Wheelsgetlockedinplace" "♪Stupidlookonmyface" "♪Whenit comestomakin' apass,prettymama" "♪I justcan'twin arace" "♪' CauseI getdelirious" "♪Delirious" "♪Delirious" "♪I getdelirious" "♪Whenyouholdmyhand" "(PHONE RINGING)" "WOMAN:" "Goodmorning." "HermesCableTV ." "CanI helpyou?" "JACK:" "I've been waiting allmorningforyourguy." "Whereishe ?" "He'sprobablytiedup inthefield,sir ." "I'msurehe 'llbe theresoon." "Pleasehold." "(RECEIVER CLICKS) No,wait!" "Oh !" "ANNOUNCER: (ON TV) Yourfavoritesongsin aroweveryhoureveryday." "JACK:" "What gives with this?" "NewYork'soriginal, offthewall..." "Look at the time!" "What is this?" "Oh, this is ridiculous." "♪I getdelirious" "♪Wheneveryou'renear" "(PHONE RINGING)" "WOMAN:" "Hermes Cable TV." "JACK:" "It's me again." "He'sstillnothere!" "I'msurehe 's onhisway,sir ." "You'regettingoneof ourmostreliablemen ." "Pleasehold." "(RECEIVER CLICKS) No!" "Don'tput..." "Oh!" "If you wanna get anything done, you gotta do it yourself." "Come on, you son of..." "(YELPS)" "(PHONE RINGING)" "WOMAN:" "Hermes Cable TV." "JACK:" "Hello." "Hello!" "Pleasehold." "(RECEIVER CLICKS) Oh!" "Areyoustillholding?" "Oh,I 'vegotsomething foryouto hold,lady..." "Sir,ifthisis anobscenephonecall, wehaveways oftracingit ." "Iwantyoutotraceit." "Idemandthatyou traceit!" "Myaddressis ..." "(CALL DISCONNECTS)" "(JACK SCREAMING)" "Die!" "Die!" "Die!" "Die!" "Die!" "Die!" "Die!" "Die!" "Die!" "Die!" "Thank you!" "♪Girl,yougottatake me fora littlerideupanddown" "♪Inandout  aroundyourlake" "♪I 'mdelirious" "♪You,you,you  getmedelirious" "♪Baby,laymedown" "♪Delirious" "♪Theroom,the room, theroomis spinnin'around" "♪Oh,yeah" "♪I 'mdelirious" "♪Delirious" "♪Delirious" "Where the hell have you been?" "I had an 8:00 appointment." "I've been waiting over four hours!" "Yeah, well, our cable went down on the West Side." "I've been up to my ass all morning." "I've been waiting three weeks for a morning appointment." "What, you think I enjoy doing this to people?" "Okay, okay, it's not your fault." "I'm sorry." "Yeah?" "Forget it, okay?" "There it is, right there." "Okay?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Sorry." "I am." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Yeah." "What have you got?" "I got a black bar on two, sometimes on seven." "It's probably the connector." "Mmm." "You've been playing with this, haven't you?" "No, I haven't." "Yes, you have." "No, I haven't!" "You ain't got nothing on here." "HBO, Disney, nothing." "Just a black bar on two, sometimes on seven." "You want 'em?" "I can give 'em to you for 50 bucks." "Nobody's gotta know." "Yeah." "Give me the whole thing." "I'll take the whole package." "Okay." "Set me up." "(CHUCKLING)" "Forget it." "Just forget it." "Don't do it." "What?" "I don't want it." "They'll catch me." "They will catch me." "I know that." "All right." "Suit yourself." "You fixed it!" "How did you do that?" "It was the connector." "JACK:" "Oh." "Pretty good, huh?" "Terrific." "Oh, yeah." "(MOANING ON TV)" "Give me this." "I wanna hear it." "(PAGER BEEPING)" "WOMAN:" "Oh!" "(SIGHS)" "What'stherush,Paul?" "Rachel,yourfatheris stillinintensivecare andI amstillhis doctor." "Idon'twantyou togo!" "But,Rachel, yourfathercoulddie ." "Weallhavetodie,  sometime." "Jeez, what a body!" "Laura is more than a body." "(LAUGHS) Laura?" "Laura Claybourne." "She plays Rachel." "Sorry." "You must really follow this shit." "No." "I write this shit." "Yes, Mom, I got the brownies." "And the mace." "Mom, will you please stop worrying?" "I mean, everyone gets mugged here at least once a week." "(GROANS)" "Guess what?" "I'm going up for a part on your favorite soap." "BeyondOurDreams." "Yes, really!" "Oh!" "Just a minute, Operator." "Hang on, Mom." "Oh, shoot!" "I'll be right there, Mom!" "(GROANING)" "JACK:" "I'm sorry." "I didn't see you." "Here, let me help you up." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Jeez." "I'm sorry." "I am sorry." "I..." "Aw!" "Aw!" "Are those real?" "Oh!" "Aw!" "I don't know what to say..." "Excuse me." "I'm on a call." "These things happen, I guess." "I'm terribly sorry." "I didn't see you." "I didn't see her." "I just didn't see her." "Mom, you can't believe what..." "Oh!" "Oh!" "(SIGHS)" "Where have you been?" "You missed the run-through." "Monday's show is two minutes over." "The Sherwoods cut the terrace scene." "Without telling me?" "They said we'd discuss it." "They're always doing this to me." "(GRUNTS)" "Did you get that refrigerator for Laura's dressing room yet?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "That should keep her happy for about a week." "Hey, Mickey, come on." "I know you don't like Laura, but underneath, she's very sensitive." "She's got a lot more going on for her than people think." "Is it visible to the naked eye?" "Jack, when are you gonna stop kidding yourself about Laura?" "What are you talking about?" "There's nothing going on between me and Laura." "(LAUGHING) I know that." "But do you?" "Yes, Mr. Sherwood, if you hold one sec..." "Jack!" "Please!" "(AIR BLOWING)" "Nervous, huh?" "Don't worry, honey, it's just a reading." "Hmm." "Not bad." "Hey, Jack." "Hi, Bob." "You got those eight by tens great." "Oh!" "(SCREAMS)" "Oh, jeez, are you all right?" "I'm getting used to it." "Oh!" "I am really sorry." "Oh, no!" "What am I gonna do?" "I've got an interview in five minutes." "You're here for an interview?" "Oh, for the production secretary?" "Well, don't worry." "I'm going to make sure you get it." "No, I'm not a secretary." "I'm an actress." "What are you up for?" "The lesbian maid?" "No, Janet Dubois." "Janet?" "(LAUGHS)" "You can't be here for Janet." "We're not using Janet." "Janet." "Look, I don't know who you are, but I'm supposed to read for Janet." "I'm here to see the Sherwoods." "The Sherwoods?" "Yes." "I knew it." "We agreed on no Janet!" "Now they're bringing in Janet!" "They're going behind my back again." "Well, I'm the producer." "And you're not gonna get away with it." "Move!" "Move!" "Move!" "Come on!" "Move!" "Why is he doing this to me?" "What the hell is going on here?" "Why are you casting Janet?" "You're always doing this stuff without telling me." "Jack, we're just meeting a few actresses." "I mean, we might use Janet somewhere down the line." "But we agreed Janet wasn't that interesting." "She's dull." "All right." "No Janet." "Happy?" "It's just that I thought we should discuss these things, that's all." "Oh, hey, we read your new bible." "Some good stuff." "Oh, thanks." "ARLENE:" "And some bad stuff, too." "You got the Hedisons losing all their money." "What kind of bullshit is that?" "Arlene, I don't like the hostility I'm hearing." "People like the Hedisons just the way they are." "Rich, ruthless, glitzy." "I just think the audience will love that Rachel has to go out and get a job!" "Jack, I thought we already discussed this whole thing about Rachel." "What whole thing?" "(LAUGHING) Oh, no!" "Rachel stays in the show." "Listen, boychik, Laura's contract is coming up." "Do you have any idea how much money those momzers at the William Morris office are asking?" "She's worth it!" "Rachel works great and so does my new bible." "Jack, if you'll excuse me, part of your new bible works great." "I mean, we both love this Jack Gates character, this Wolf of Wall Street." "It's brilliant." "Great character, great." "(YELLING) But forget Rachel." "She's out." "Now, look, we got a good idea." "Rachel is horseback riding with Paul." "The horse throws her." "Goodbye, Laura." "Goodbye, Morris Agency." "No." "Forget it." "No, no." "Or..." "Or we can give her a brain tumor." "Oh, wonderful, a brain tumor." "What's that, the third brain tumor this season?" "(SNAPPING) So what?" "Jack, it's a long season." "(STUTTERING) Oh, I don't believe this." "Come on!" "This sounds like the kind of crap" "Arnie Fetterman would come up with." "(CHUCKLING) Arnie Fetterman." "You're bringing in Arnie Fetterman, aren't you?" "He's gonna rewrite me." "Absolutely not." "What, we're gonna bring in hamburger when we already have steak on the table?" "You're gonna kill the show!" "The both of you." "You don't know what the hell you're doing." "How dare you talk to us like that?" "Do you hear the mouth he's opening?" "I'm sorry." "I don't like fighting and arguing." "I just feel very strongly about this." "Who cares how you feel?" "This is a television show." "Arlene, he's talking feelings." "We have to listen." "I'll tell you what, Jack." "You think about Rachel and we'll think about Rachel." "Is that fair?" "I guess." "So what's with the long face?" "We'll work things out." "There's a lot of love in this room, Jack." "We love you." "And we hope you love us." "Of course I love you." "It's just I still..." "We'll talk Monday." "What about me?" "Don't you love me?" "I included you in that love." "He meant you." "I meant you." "Schmuck." "Ceil, get me Arnie Fetterman." "FETTERMAN:" "Yeah." "Yeah, Arlene, I told you," "I'll work the Janet character into the story." "Yes, I'm getting rid of Rachel with the horseback riding, even as we speak." "Now will you stop nudging?" "(SIGHS)" "(BELL RINGING) DIRECTOR:" "Quiet, everybody!" "Roll cameras." "NARRATOR:" "Billionaire patriarchCarterHedison, havingrecentlyrecovered froma braintumor, battlesdeathonceagain, ashisambitious daughter,Rachel, plotshernextmove." "Willshemarry Dr.PaulKirkwood, orwillshelearn ofhisaffair withNurseHelenCaldwell, whichbegan,ironically, intheverybed  nowoccupiedby  herstrickenfather?" "Well, Paul, how's he doing?" "These heart-lung-liver transplants are almost routine." "He'll be as good as new." "(CARTER WHEEZING)" "CARTER:" "That you, Blake?" "Come over here, Son." "Dad." "(CARTER GROANING)" "Dad." "(GROANS)" "RACHEL:" "Now, you do what Nurse Caldwell tells you to, Daddy." "I'll stop by later." "Blake, I'm so glad you're here." "(CARTER COUGHING)" "(CARTER WHEEZING)" "You look good, Dad." "(GROANING)" "I don't want Blake to see my father anymore." "What?" "If anything happens to the old fool, do you want Blake taking over the company?" "You're playing a dangerous game, Rachel." "They're the only kind worth playing." "DIRECTOR:" "Cut it!" "Very nice." "(BELL RINGING) Was that big enough?" "'Cause I can give you more." "DIRECTOR:" "No, no, Dennis, that was fine." "Thank you." "'Cause I got more!" "Am I good in this?" "Really, really good." "It feels..." "It feels perfect." "LAURA:" "No, it was perfect." "I feel very strong." "It was good." "It's strong, it's strong." "It's not in the lines." "You've gotta play the moment, that's it." "You had some wonderful moments." "I thought it was over between them." "MICKEY:" "I think he just got his key back." "Good scene." "Really great scene." "Oh, you think so?" "(CHUCKLING) Oh, yeah." "Do you have a minute, Laura?" "For you, always." "Oh, thanks." "I was just wondering if you read the new bible." "You know, the one with the Jack Gates character?" "Oh, yes." "I love it." "Really?" "It's very good." "Great!" "I think it works beautifully for the rest of the cast." "Oh, thanks." "The rest of the cast?" "To be honest," "I just don't think the audience will accept Rachel as a working girl." "Laura, you've always said you wanted to do something with more depth, to stretch a little." "I think it'd be good for you." "I hope you're not upset." "You're so open." "You're the only one I can really talk to." "(CHUCKLING) Oh, come on!" "And I can't thank you enough for the refrigerator." "Oh, no problem." "Are you kidding?" "Jesus H. Christ, Laura!" "I thought you meant one of those little office ones." "Is something wrong?" "If it's gonna cause a problem..." "No!" "No problem at all!" "(LAUGHING)" "It's okay." "It's a beauty." "(WINCES)" "When are you gonna break down and buy a computer?" "I gotta get outta here." "Traffic's gonna be awful." "God, what is wrong with me?" "I found this Nat King Cole on a farm in Pennsylvania." "There's only two left in the entire world." "(PHONE RINGING)" "No." "Yeah?" "Hi!" "What's wrong?" "Why are you crying?" "(WHISPERS) Laura." "I'll turn down the lights." "LAURA:" "I hate myself for doing this to you, but I just had a terrible fight with Dennis." "(SNIFFLING)" "It's over this time." "Couldwehavedinner?" "I can't." "What do you mean, you can't?" "I..." "I can't." "I just can't." "I'm going to Vermont this weekend." "They're having a big auction on old records." "Well, you know, my Nat King Cole collection. (CHUCKLING)" "If it's okay, I'd like to go with you." "(RECORD SMASHES) (EXCLAIMS)" "Oh!" "(JACK SOBBING)" "Hello?" "No problem!" "(LAUGHING)" "I just can't bear the thought of being alone." "Please." "Iwon'tbe in yourway ." "She wants to go with me for the weekend." "What does she want now?" "A stove?" "(GRUNTING)" "You know, when I think back about Dennis, you know what the truth is?" "(WHIMPERS)" "He doesn't like women." "I swear, he does not like women." "What have you got in here?" "You know, we're just going for the weekend." "(CHUCKLING)" "(GRUNTING)" "(CRASHING)" "(EXCLAIMS)" "Laura!" "It's too late." "We have nothing to say to each other." "Laura, I..." "I..." "(GROANING)" "(HORNS HONKING)" "Honk on this, butt-head!" "Mickey's right." "I'm being a jerk about Laura." "Well, she's not gonna ruin my weekend." "I'm gonna have fun." "(HORN BLARING) (SCREAMING)" "(CRASHING)" "PAUL:" "Well, I'm glad to see you're up." "Hey." "What the hell are you two doing here?" "Hey, Dennis, knock it off." "Lee." "What's going on here?" "I'm Dr. Paul Kirkwood and this is Nurse Helen Caldwell." "What am I doing on the set?" "Set?" "Oh, I get it." "All right." "Yeah, Mickey." "Okay, very funny." "Now, hang on." "Where's Mickey?" "No, no, no." "Okay, Mickey." "(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)" "Joke is over." "Thank you." "Back to work, everybody." "(WOMAN CHATTERING ON PA)" "Jesus!" "When did we build this?" "We're gonna go way over budget!" "I don't understand it." "All his tests were normal." "Maybe we should do some more." "This isn't a set, is it?" "Set?" "You're in Ashford Falls Community Hospital." "Ashford Falls?" "That's right." "(LAUGHING HUMOROUSLY)" "I can't be in Ashford Falls." "There is no Ashford Falls." "See for yourself." "Okay." "Okay, I'll bite." "(LAUGHING) You..." "Okay, okay." "(SCREAMS)" "I can't..." "This can't be." "I..." "I must be dead." "I am dead." "I'm in hell." "And my punishment is spending eternity on my own show." "Oh, no!" "You better get 20 milligrams of Valium." "JACK: (SOBBING) Not on this show!" "PAUL:" "Take it easy." "Please, not this show!" "(WHISPERING) But you said we were going to the mountains this weekend." "(WHISPERING) I'm sorry, Helen." "I've got to see Carter Hedison." "Carter?" "Or Rachel Hedison?" "(YELLS) I'm okay." "I'm okay." "I'm fine." "I'm fine." "I'm okay." "I'm..." "I'm just nervous in hospitals, that's all." "I'm in Ashford Falls." "I had a car wreck last night." "You're Dr. Kirkwood." "And I panicked a little." "Follow my finger." "(LAUGHING) Sure." "See?" "I've never felt better." "Will you be quiet?" "Okay, Doctor." "Anything you say, Doctor." "Doctor." "All right, get your clothes on." "But I wanna see you in my office tomorrow morning." "No problem." "I'll be in your dressing room..." "Your office at 9:00." "You better make it 10:30." "I'm in surgery all morning." "Oh, sure." "No problem." "Bye-bye!" "Bye-bye!" "Thank you both." "He's operating on people?" "He's an actor!" "He's not even a good one." "I'm telling you, I can walk." "And I'm telling you, hospital regulations." "You can walk when you're outside." "Oh, this is ridiculous." "I'm gonna get your discharge papers." "Fine." "Just stay put." "Boy, what a pain!" "Are you ready for this?" "Dr. Kirkwood is just stringing you along." "He's gonna dump you and marry Rachel." "Ha!" "(SCOFFS)" "JACK:" "I'm warning you, Lee." "You think you got a small part now, how would you like a brain tumor?" "Okay, we're outside." "Can I stand up now?" "I had your things taken to the hotel." "But I didn't use your real name, just like you said in the letter." "God!" "This is kind of exciting." "Letter?" "What letter?" "I used the name that you gave at the hospital." "You know, Jack Gable." "That is my name!" "We met at the office." "Don't you recognize me?" "I ran into you." "I crushed your hand." "(GASPS)" "I've never been to your office, Mr. Gates." "Gates?" "You think I'm Jack Gates?" "Oh, come on, let's get in the car." "Gosh, I am so excited." "You're buying my father's formula." "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "Daddy!" "Daddy!" "He's in the study, sir." "Which one?" "The one to your right, sir." "CARTER:" "What do you think of this, Blake?" "If we lose the daycare center and the playground, we can park much closer to our office." "BLAKE:" "Great, Dad." "Daddy!" "I found out who Janet Dubois is selling her father's formula to!" "It's Jack Gates!" "The Wolf of Wall Street?" "I'd been following Janet." "She checked this guy calling himself Jack Gable into the hotel..." "Get to the point, Ty." "Well, I saw his bags, Daddy." "They had the initials J.G. J.G., Jack Gates." "So they have the same initials." "Yeah, the same initials and they're both from New York and he was with Janet." "That doesn't make him Gates." "Forget it, Ty." "We don't even know if Fletcher Dubois came up with that formula." "But what if he did, Dad?" "It'd be just like Jack Gates to buy it out from under us." "I think you're on to something, Blake." "Check into it right away." "I'm checking into it!" "I mean, why does it always have to be Blake, Daddy?" "It was my idea in the first place." "Lighten up, Ty." "You're just like your mother." "Too thin-skinned." "I suppose that's why she committed suicide." "If it was suicide." "For the very last time," "(WHIMPERING)" "I did not hire Dash Andrews to kill your mother." "If she was my mother!" "Another one of those headaches, Son?" "(WHIMPERING)" "Aw." "I don't care what you think." "I am not Jack Gates!" "And you are not Janet Dubois." "You can't be." "You're an offstage character." "A what?" "We talked about bringing you into the story, but frankly, you weren't that interesting." "You're not even supposed to be here." "But I am here." "I came back to visit my father." "Ah, yes, your father." "Fletcher Dubois, the brilliant, but unstable chemist who is working on developing a formula..." ""Is developing a formula"?" "Mr. Gates, my father died four weeks ago." "Oh, yeah." "We had to get rid of him because he couldn't remember his lines." "It's the Sherwoods!" "They did hire Fetterman." "They're messing around with my bible." "What bible?" "What are you talking about?" "You agreed to buy my father's formula." "Oh, what's the use?" "I know you may find this hard to believe, but I'm a writer." "(LAUGHING) Now, I know this may sound crazy, but I created this whole town." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "I see." "You created this whole town." "Yes!" "Yes!" "(WHISTLES)" "I'm getting out of here." "Where's my car?" "It's at Len's Garage." "It needed a new radiator." "Len?" "There is no Len." "We haven't used Len in two years." "What is happening to me?" "Hey!" "Oh, my..." "Oh, God!" "What are you doing?" "(GROANING)" "This isn't a dream." "I'm not dreaming." "Ow!" "Why are you playing these games with me, Mr. Gates?" "Oh." "For the last time, lady, I'm not Gates." "I'm a writer." "Do you hear me?" "All I want to do is get out of this stinkin' little town." "Well, then, do it!" "I mean, you say you're a writer, then write your way out!" "(DOOR BANGING)" "Operator?" "Yes, could you get me..." "This ought to be rich." "Len's Garage, please?" "(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)" "What a mistake Len was." "Boy, did we get letters." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Len here." "Len?" "Like I told Janet, it needs a new radiator." "It'llbeafew days." "Hey, mister, I can't work miracles." "Mmm." "Oh." ""Write your way out."" "Oh, this is insane." "Absolutely insane." "(LAUGHING)" ""Write your way out."" "(TYPING)" ""Fade in." ""Interior." "Len's Garage." "Day." ""Len finds a new radiator for Mr. Gable's car." ""Len calls Mr. Gable to let him know it is fixed."" "(SIGHS)" "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello?" "Len?" "What?" "You found the new radiator for my car?" "(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)" "You did what?" "You did?" "You found it?" "Len, no!" "No, Len!" "I'm not laughing at you!" "No!" "No." "Thank you." "I'm thanking you." "Yes!" "I'll be right over." "It worked." "What the hell happened?" "I don't wanna know." "I just don't wanna know." "I gotta get outta here." "Hey!" "Taxi!" "Taxi!" "Hey, wait a second!" "Taxi!" "Taxi!" "Hey, taxi!" "Hey!" "Taxi!" "Hey, taxi!" "Taxi!" "Taxi!" "Laura!" "Do I know you?" "Is this man bothering you, Miss Hedison?" "Men never bother me, Marco." "Pick me up in half an hour." "I have to be at the Hunt Club." "I'm going riding with Dr. Kirkwood." "Wait!" "What's the rush?" "Where am I running?" "(LAUGHING)" "(WHISTLING)" "RACHEL:" "Really, Paul, it's not exactly murder." "No, no, it's out of the question." "I won't even discuss it." "But you're his doctor, Paul." "Surely you could increase Blake's medication." "Rachel, it's an experimental drug." "It could have terrible side effects." "I'm sure Blake would try anything to get rid of those awful migraines." "I know what you're thinking, Rachel." "But even if Blake were out of the way, your father will never leave the company to you." "What about Ty?" "I can always handle Ty." "Rachel, I'm a medical doctor." "I can't do it!" "You don't need your father's company." "We have each other." "Let's get married as we planned." "I'm sorry, Paul, but I don't think I'm ready for marriage yet." "All right." "All right." "I'll increase Blake's medication." "Come on." "I'll race you to Winchester Cathedral." "(LAUGHS)" "Yeah." "Should be slow." "I'll make Rachel beg for me." "Let her suffer a little." "Let's see." "She's going horseback riding this afternoon, so I'll..." "Horseback riding." "Horseback riding." "Oh, my God." "Fetterman and the Sherwoods, they're gonna kill her!" "(TYPING)" "And so, you see, no money had changed hands and the cow was returned to its rightful owner." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "PAUL:" "That was told to me by... (BACKFIRES)" "(NEIGHING)" "(GASPS)" "(SCREAMS)" "(SCREAMING) Oh!" "Stop!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Stop!" "Oh, my God!" "Stop!" "(SCREAMING)" "(SCREAMING) Hey!" "JACK:" "Whoops!" "Sorry." "(CACKLES)" "No!" "Stop!" "Oh!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa, easy." "Easy, whoa." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, big fella." "Whoa." "Settle down, now." "I believe you dropped your hat, Miss Hedison." "Thank you, I..." "You saved my life." "Well..." "Haven't we met?" "Perhaps." "And perhaps, we'll meet again." "Yah!" "(SIGHS) Oh." "(HORSE WHINNIES) (GASPS)" "(HORSE NEIGHING)" "(EXCLAIMING)" "She's dying for me." "I love this." "Yah!" "Oh." "Whoa!" "Come on, slow down, will you?" "Don't do that." "Hey, easy." "Easy, boy." "Oh!" "Why didn't I write myself back to the stable?" "Oh!" "Easy!" "Oh!" "Oh, please." "Oh, please, slow down." "Slow down." "Oh!" "Ah!" "Please..." "Hi." "Whoa!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, Jesus!" "Oh!" "Help!" "Somebody help!" "Oh, my gosh!" "Oh, my God!" "Help!" "Help!" "(SCREAMING)" "Help!" "Help me!" "Help!" "Whoa!" "Help me!" "Hello!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey, help!" "Please, lady!" "Help me!" "Help me!" "Whoa!" "Help!" "Oh, no!" "(SCREAMING)" "(GROANING)" "Are you all right?" "Yeah." "(SPITTING)" "Yeah, I think so." "Thanks." "(GROANING) Yeah." "Oh!" "Ow!" "What's this?" "Oh, no!" "Oh, you picked up a sickle thorn." "What?" "Bend over a little." "Wait a minute." "Is it gonna hurt?" "It might hurt a little bit." "Oh, no, you forget it." "Just leave it in there." "Okay, okay, okay." "Oh, God!" "Whoo!" "Look at the size of that!" "Wow!" "I used to come here as a kid." "Oh, it's beautiful." "It really is." "So, Janet, just out of curiosity, tell me a little more about your character, yourself." "There's not that much to tell." "After college, I got my PhD at Ashford Falls Christian Normal." "Good school." "Then I went to Africa." "Africa?" "Where did that come from?" "For the last two years, I've been living there with a colony of ants." "You lived with ants?" "Yeah, I do research." "I chart everything they do there." "Social organization, their movement, their mating habits, everything." "Oh, I see." "Like one of those National Geographic specials." "Oh, no, I'll never be on one of those." "My friend Manu says I'm not big enough." "Oh." "You know, I don't have gorillas like Dian Fossey or Jane Goodall with her precious little chimps." "Right." "See, no one cares about ants, but once you live with them, you begin to see their specialness, their individuality." "It's as though each one has a personality all their own." "Really?" "Ooh, what's the matter?" "Nothing." "Nothing." "Rachel, Rachel." "You know we don't discuss financial matters at the dinner table." "Father, I have the right to know what's going on." "I will not be shut out of the business by you or anyone else." "Yes, Ty?" "(SNIFFING)" "When are you going to stop this madness with Rachel?" "I told you nothing happened at the Mardi Gras." "She's your sister!" "CARTER:" "All right, Rachel." "We are working on something." "How would you like to eat whatever you want and then take a pill that speeds up your metabolism, burning off all the sugar and fat?" "We have a pill like that?" "My God, I'll make a fortune!" "Or lose everything if someone beats us to the market." "It's possible that Fletcher Dubois figured out the Meta Pill ahead of us." "TY:" "That's what Jack Gates is after." "The only thing I don't understand is why he wants to get his hand up your dress." "(CLEARING THROAT) I mean..." "We all know what you meant, Ty." "Watch it, Blake, or I'll give you a headache you won't forget." "You lay one finger on him, Ty..." "Always protecting Blake, Daddy!" "Sometimes I wish I wasn't your son." "If I am your son." "How are your headaches, Blake?" "Oh, much better." "Paul doubled my dosage." "It seems to be working." "That's not the drug we're still testing, is it?" "Mmm-hmm." "Paul feels that it's completely safe, Father." "Leave it all to me, Dad." "I'll figure out just how far Fletcher Dubois got with his formula." "That's strange." "My gums are bleeding." "(JACK TYPING)" ""With tears in her eyes, Rachel runs to him."" "Nah!" "Too corny!" "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello." "JANET:" "It's Janet." "Whereareyou?" "I'm in my father's lab, or what's left of it." "Oh, God!" "What a jerk I was!" "I can't believe it!" "No wonder you didn't wanna buy the formula." "You were gonna steal it all along." "What?" "Oh, I bet you're working for the Hedisons, aren't you?" "What?" "Oh." "Well, I'll burn it before they ever get it." "(SIGHS) (CREAKING)" "(WHISPERING) I think your friends are still here." "What friends?" "Well, they're gonna be sorry." "JACK:" "Janet, ifthere'ssomeonethere, get outta the house right now." "Call the police." "Iswear, Ihadnothing todowiththis." "Janet?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello,Janet?" "Hello?" "Janet?" "Hello?" "(SCREAMS)" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello, Janet?" "Janet?" "Hello?" "Jesus!" "I didn't write any of this." "Of course." "It's Fetterman again!" "Okay, you two-bit hack." "Now we're gonna play some hardball." ""Interior." "Dubois lab."" "Now, all you have to do is show us your father's notes and we'll be on our way." "I'm telling you, he never even figured out that formula!" "RILEY:" "We'll see about that." "Give yourself a break, lady." "(JACK TYPING)" "Where did that window come from?" "Jack!" "(LAUGHS)" "(GASPS) Oh, my gosh!" "What are you gonna do about this, smart guy?" "JANET:" "Jack, watch out!" "When did you start carrying a knife?" "Let's get outta here." "Come on." "Ha!" "I've never seen anything like that." "Neither has anyone else." "Boy, these guys sure know how to tie a knot." "(GROANING)" "Hey, what's this?" "Well, that's what they were looking for." "It's my father's formula." "I think it'll be safer in your hands, Mr. Gates." "Look, lady, for the last time, the name is not..." "He's a master at martial arts, he's powerful and ruthless." "Who else could you be?" "Hmm." "This could work for me." "Powerful, ruthless." "Yes!" "I am Jack Gates!" "Then you'll buy my father's formula?" "Of course." "Come on!" "Oh, my..." "I think it'd be a lot easier if you just pulled out again." "Don't tell me how to park." "You know there's a really big space over there." "Do you wanna drive?" "Huh?" "No." "Okay, we're fine." "Here we go, now." "Yep." "Oh, yeah." "This is fine." "It's a lot closer than I thought." "You okay there?" "Oh, yeah." "JANET:" "She's beautiful, isn't she?" "JACK:" "Beautiful." "Yeah, I went to high school with Rachel." "Oh, yeah?" "What was she like?" "Mmm." "Rich, pretty." "She was homecoming queen all four years." "Oh." "I remember once she wore this beautiful white lace dress and this gorgeous crown." "When she came down that stairway, it was..." "I don't know, it was as if she were floating." "I wanted to be Rachel that night." "(CHATTERING)" "JANET:" "When did this place open?" "Oh, a couple of hours ago." "And I hear they serve a very good pastrami." "(SLOW ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)" "(BELL DINGS) Pick-up!" "Pastrami on a Kaiser and, uh..." "Lox and cream cheese on cinnamon toast?" "Get it out of here!" "JANET:" "Yeah, you're right." "It gets really lonely out there." "Sometimes Manu and I are alone in the bush for months at a time." "Thank you." "So are you telling me you never met anyone out there?" "Well, I did get involved with this Frenchman." "He said he was a research environmentalist." "(SCOFFS) Turns out he wasn't." "What was he?" "A poacher." "They hung him." "(EXCLAIMS)" "God, I always choose the wrong guys." "Not me." "I always choose the right women." "I just can't get 'em to go out with me, that's all." "But you're Jack Gates, you can have anyone you want." "Of course!" "I meant before I became ruthless and powerful." "(LAUGHING)" "Hmm." "(EXHALING)" "So, maybe you'd like to come over some time." "I'm really a pretty good cook." "You don't want to come, do you?" "I didn't say that." "Well, I understand." "I mean, you're a business person." "You're a busy person." "You've got hostile takeovers to take over." "I understand." "Look, do you want me to come over or not?" "(EXHALING) Yes, definitely." "I'd love to." "I guess this is why I live with ants." "Lox, cream cheese on cinnamon toast?" "And you're actually eating that." "Yeah." "Amazing." "AUCTIONEER:" "Now the next item up is this lovely Amish quilt." "Not since Betsy Ross has there been such exquisite workmanship." "Who will offer $30?" "$35." "Do I hear $40?" "Daddy, we're never going to reach our goal." "Rachel, I'm not buying any more of this crap." "Whew!" "I've been getting these hot flashes." "Do you think I should cut back on the medicine?" "Hmm." "Oh, those gums don't look tip-top, either." "Maybe you'd better stop." "(CLEARING THROAT)" "(LAUGHING UNCOMFORTABLY)" "It's probably just allergies." "Stay on this dosage another week." "Oh, good, good." "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "(TIRES SQUEALING)" "I hope I'm not interrupting, ladies and gentlemen." "My name is Jack Gates." "(SOFTLY) You see?" "I told you it was Jack Gates." "Be quiet." "You were right, Blake." "Wait a minute." "What do you mean, he was right?" "It was me, Daddy." "Me!" "I'm the one." "I'm just a visitor to Ashford Falls, but I believe in a good cause." "Therefore, I am donating my Ferrari to your auction." "(CROWD GASPING)" "He certainly has style." "Yeah, if you like a showboat." "We would like to thank Mr. Gates for his very generous donation of this priceless classic." "(CROWD APPLAUDING)" "The bidding will begin at $500,000." "(CROWD EXCLAIMING)" "It's the most beautiful car I've ever seen." "Do you want it?" "$500,000." "Thank you, Dr. Kirkwood." "Do I see 550?" "550, thank you, madam. 600?" "600, thank you, sir." "$700,000." "AUCTIONEER: $700,000." "Thank you, Dr. Kirkwood." "$700,000 going once." "$700,000 going twice... $850,000." "(CROWD EXCLAIMING)" "My God!" "He's bidding on his own car!" "$900,000." "(CROWD GASPING)" "One million dollars." "(GASPING)" "(GAVEL BANGING)" "Sold." "One million dollars." "To the original owner!" "(ALL APPLAUDING)" "Rachel, I..." "So, the mysterious stranger rides to the rescue again." "Madam, this stranger knows no danger." "I am much stranger than you think." "(HORN HONKING)" "Ms. Hedison, may I drop you somewhere?" "That's all right." "I'll take her." "Oh?" "Do you think you'll have time?" "(PAGER BEEPING)" "Oh, my God!" "(LIP-SYNCHING)" "I'm supposed to be in surgery." "May I?" "I'll take Rachel where she's going, Mr. Gates." "Oh, really?" "I don't think so." "Your car phone, sir." "Well, maybe you could use a lift after all, Ms. Hedison." "Mr. Gates, are you aware that I'm engaged to Dr. Kirkwood?" "Wouldn't you rather be in love?" "I'm sorry, Rachel." "I can't take you." "I've got to get home right away." "What is it, Daddy?" "Is something wrong?" "The Cable TV man is coming." "I have to be there." "But you're supposed to go to the stockholder's meeting." "You know how hard it is getting those guys to come out." "I've got black bars on two and seven!" "Rachel, Blake will take you to the club." "I can't." "I've got to get my wheels balanced." "Now?" "Why do you have to do that now?" "I don't know." "What the hell is going on around here?" "Your grandstand play at the auction, Mr. Gates, what are you really up to?" "You don't trust me, do you?" "No more than you trust me." "Let's play a little game." "What kind of game?" "It's called Trust." "Oh, this is so silly." "All right, how do you play?" "Simple." "I place my life in your hands." "(ENGINE REVVING)" "(RACHEL SCREAMING)" "Are you crazy?" "Come on, Rachel." "What do I do?" "Please stop!" "(LAUGHING) Why?" "I trust you." "(SCREAMING) Go to the right." "Oh, my God." "Look out on the left." "(HONKING)" "No, right." "To the right." "(SCREAMING) Right!" "(SCREAMING)" "(LAUGHING)" "Look out for the truck!" "(EXCLAIMING)" "Don't!" "You'll never make it." "Hee-haw!" "RACHEL:" "I'm begging you, stop the car." "Do you really want me to stop?" "Yes." "Aw, I thought you could take this." "(EXHALING) Don't stop." "Faster." "Sharp curve to the right." "Steady." "Steady." "Don't lose it now." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Harder!" "Oh, this is wonderful." "(SCREAMING)" "JACK:" "Nice day for a drive, isn't it?" "(LAUGHING)" "How long am I supposed to wait for these cable people?" "Who cares about the black bar on your TV?" "What about Rachel?" "She's with Gates, isn't she?" "See, it's definitely the cable." "Look at the difference." "Cable, antenna, cable, antenna." "Daddy!" "Dad, Daddy, I've got terrible news." "The cable man's not coming, is he?" "I went through Gates' stuff at his hotel." "Dad, he's got a deal to buy the formula!" "That means Fletcher Dubois came up with the Meta Pill." "That does it." "Oh, there's more." "There's more." "I mean, Gates has all these crazy notes." "He knows everything about us." "He knows about our phony drug test." "He knows about your brain tumor five years ago." "He even knows about my..." "My..." "Amnesia." "What does that man want?" "Is he out to break us?" "Or to see us in jail?" "If I can't have Rachel, I don't care about jail!" "And I hope your cable man never shows up." "(GROANING)" "Oh, my God." "Hi, Paul." "Dad?" "I did good." "Right, Dad?" "Yes, you did." "I'm very proud of you." "Good job, Son." "Ah, Blake, I'm glad you're here." "Ty, fill him in." "Blake will know what to do about Gates." "(SOBBING)" "Dad, you can't keep doing this to me!" "No, Ty!" "That's a Tang Dynasty." "You can't even do that right, can you, Son?" "So he's a little late." "Maybe he stopped for wine." "Or flowers." "(LAUGHING) Oh, God." "It could've been flowers." "Or maybe he's just late." "(SIGHING)" "(SOFTLY) Okay." "Yes?" "Where were you?" "What?" "You were supposed to meet me." "I'm Jack Gates." "(EXCLAIMING)" "Next time I'll write myself an automatic transmission." "Oh." "Good evening." "Good evening, sir." "(GUN FIRING) (BELL RINGING)" "(HUMMING NERVOUSLY)" "(WHISTLING)" "Janet, what are you doing here?" "Look, about the dinner." "I can explain." "I..." "Are you really Jack Gates?" "Of course I'm Jack Gates." "Gee!" "That's funny." "All my life, I've been Jack Gates." "Robert Wagner!" "Gee." "What are you doing in this part?" "You don't do daytime TV." "Of course, the Sherwoods hired Robert Wagner." "It's sweeps week." "Yeah." "Robert Wagner." "Wow!" "You mean this nebbish has been masquerading as me and you believed him?" "I should have known." "I mean, gosh, the way he parked the car." "This belongs to you, Mr. Gates." "Thank you, my dear." "(GUN FIRING) Oh!" "Look out!" "They're trying to kill me." "God damn you, Fetterman!" "Oh, my God." "It's real blood." "He's dead." "It can't be." "He's Robert Wagner!" "I can't let him die." "I've got to bring him back." "I've got to bring him back." "Don't worry, Mr. Wagner, everything's going to be fine." "Gee." "He even looks good dead." ""Jack's Hotel Room."" "This is going to work." "I did it!" "It worked!" "I brought him back." "How you feeling?" "A little dizzy." "I don't understand what happened." "You don't have to." "Goodbye, Mr. Gates." ""'Goodbye, Mr. Gates,' he said."" "Get me a cab." "I've got to go to the airport." "But you've just checked in." "What about your luggage?" "I don't care." "I've got to go to..." "Cleveland." "Jesus, I hate Cleveland." "JACK:" "You don't belong in Ashford Falls." "You're really a sweet kid." "You'd be a lot happier back in Africa." ""Exterior." "Jungle Clearing." ""Night."" "No, it must be day over there." "Goodbye, Janet." "Have fun with your ants." "(ANIMALS CALLING)" "He's supposed to be this ruthless tycoon, but he seemed like a really nice guy to me." "Who sounds like the poacher again." "You should have seen the way he rode a horse." "Oh, it was so cute." "Oh, by the way, I nearly forgot." "This telegram came for you this morning." "A telegram?" "For me?" "Wow!" "Do you think it's from Jack?" "Oh, I bet it's from Jack." "It's from Carter Hedison." "A matter of life and death?" "You can't just toss me aside, Paul." "Don't you see?" "Rachel's been using you." "She uses men the way other women use cotton balls." "It's over, Helen." "Paul." "Paul." "You've won again, Rachel." "But for the last time." "Paul, you're being childish." "Jack Gates doesn't mean anything to me." "(SCOFFING)" "I wish you'd trust me." "I do." "It's just..." "Then prove it." "Let's play a little game." "(WINCH WHIRRING)" "(SNORTING)" "Please, miss..." "We're trying..." "NEWSCASTER:" "Almostkilled inthemishap withtheengaging thoracicsurgeon washisphilanthropist socialitefiancee RachelHedison, daughterof belovedindustrialist andwellknownsocialist, socialiteCarterHedison." "FromAshfordFallsFalls, thisis yourAshfordFalls eyewitnessreporter," "DebbieNordoff." "I had to be a big shot." "I almost killed the woman I love." "It's all my fault." "No, it isn't." "No, it isn't." "I can only control what I write." "Right?" "Right!" "No, it's my fault." "(RINGING)" "Who's that?" "I didn't write that." "Who wrote that?" "Huh?" "Hello?" "Hi." "I'm glad I caught you in." "Oh." "Hi." "(GROANING)" "My father's throwing a party this weekend and he wants you to come." "Oh, I'd be delighted." "Jack, I can't talk long." "Your life is in danger." "Myfatherwillstopat nothingtogetthe formula." "Bring it to me." "It's the last place my father will look." "You really care for me, don't you?" "Of course I do." "That's why I didn't want you to come to the party." "Huh?" "My father's announcing my engagement to Paul." "Oh, why did you have to come into my life now?" "Goodbye, my darling." "My darling." "He'll be there." "What about the formula?" "He'll have it." "Yes, but, will we?" "CARTER:" "Good point, Blake." "Is there something going on, Rachel?" "It's never taken you this long to get what you want from a man." "I don't know what it is." "When I'm with him, it's as if I don't have a mind of my own." "He has this strange power over me." "JACK: "Exterior." "Hedison Mouse."" "Not mouse, house!" "House!" "Watch the typos." "Ah." "I'm going to be incredible this weekend." "(CHUCKLING)" "This time it's coming straight from the heart." "No blindfolds." "No trickery." "No flashy stunts." "No." "I got to be me!" "(PLAYING PIANO)" "What, is he going to play all night?" "(SHUSHING)" "Oh, Ms. Dubois." "JANET:" "Hello, Edward." "Hello." "Is Mr. Hedison here?" "Oh, yes." "Do, please come in." "Janet." "What are you doing here?" "What's going on here, Ty?" "Why does your father want to see me?" "Golly, I've missed you, Janet." "Hey, you remember the time I was going to ask you to the prom?" "And your father wouldn't let you." "(STAMMERING) No, no." "That's not true." "That was the time that I got..." "I got..." "Amnesia, sir." "Remember?" "I thought you were announcing our engagement." "Why did you ask him to play the piano?" "I didn't." "I didn't ask him to sing SendintheClowns,either." "Paul." "Hey." "Excuse me, sir." "Ms. Janet Dubois is in your study." "Oh, my God." "TY:" "Water, no ice." "You were the first one to drink a lot of water." "Now everybody's doing it." "So, Janet, while you're here, maybe we could go horseback riding." "I don't think so." "Well, well, well." "Janet Dubois." "How grown up we are." "What's going on, Mr. Hedison?" "What's all this about life and death?" "We can discuss it later." "Ty, show Janet to one of the guest rooms." "She can wear some of Rachel's clothes." "You can have my room, Janet." "You're not going to be in it, are you?" "I didn't send that wire." "But if you didn't, then who did?" "(ALL CHEERING)" "MAN:" "Encore." "Encore." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "You're wonderful." "For me?" "Thank you." "You brought tears to my eyes." "I know." "Oh, Jack!" "Jack!" "Jack!" "Donna?" "Donna McKenzie?" "Lincoln High?" "Yeah!" "Oh, God, I couldn't have been that drunk." "What else did I write last night?" "(SCREAMING)" "You were wonderful." "All those years your locker was right next to mine and I never even talked to you." "I know." "How could I ever have been in love with Greg Petula?" "Ugh!" "Barf!" "Barf. (CHUCKLES)" "I was wrong about you." "You're not a jerk." "Oh, thanks." "Lincoln High." "Give me an "L," give me an "I."" "Lincoln High." "I just want you to know how much I enjoyed your playing." "Oh, thank you." "The elderly man exits." "Great!" "Now I've got them talking stage directions." "(MOOING)" "RACHEL:" "What is going on around here?" "(EXCLAIMS)" "The bartender needs more cold deer." "Not deer." "Beer!" "It's a typo!" "Use your head, for Christ sake." "(TYPEWRITER CLATTERING)" "Where are you going?" "I don't know." "JACK:" "Excuse me." "Sorry." "Excuse me." "WOMAN:" "My God!" "He's choking to death." "I'll handle this." "You've got it backwards." "What are you doing?" "Ladies and gentlemen, the Heimlich Maneuver." "(GRUNTS)" "You'll be fine, now." "You saved my life." "I know." "(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)" "Is there nothing you can't do?" "(CHUCKLING) Excuse us." "Thank you very much." "Excuse us." "WOMAN:" "Paul doesn't know the Heimlich?" "Well, of course I know the Heimlich." "I know the Heimlich." "Of course, I know the Heimlich." "Jim, you know I know the Heimlich." "Look, I love the Heimlich." "I'm always doing the Heimlich." "It's one of my favorite maneuvers." "I'm a medical doctor!" "(IT'SA MAN'S,MAN'S,MAN 'S WORLDPLAYING)" "♪Thisis aman 'sworld" "♪Thisis aman 'sworld" "♪Butit wouldn'tbenothing" "♪Withoutawomanoragirl" "♪I saidonemoretime ♪" "I want you, Jack." "And you shall have me." "Oh, I don't know why I'm so thirsty." "Mr. Hedison." "Blake." "I see you are still under Dr. Kirkwood's care." "What are you up to, Helen?" "I don't recall inviting you to this party." "Wouldn't you like to find out why you sent for Janet Dubois?" "JACK: "As Jack pilots his private jet to New York," ""Rachel nibbles on his ear." ""Her long supple legs wrapped sensuously around..."" "What am I doing?" "What am I doing?" "I'm like a junkie with this thing." "I hate..." "Oh, my God, what did I do?" "Daddy, I'm not marrying Paul." "I'm going to call off the engagement." "Later, Rachel." "All right, Helen." "What is going on?" "(ALL MURMURING)" "I had no idea." "She's stunning." "What's she doing back here?" "(GASPING)" "JACK:" "Are you all right?" "Yeah." "I guess this is why I was never homecoming queen." "I think you look beautiful." "(BELLS RINGING)" "Do you hear bells?" "Yes." "EDWARD:" "Dinner is served." "Oh." "Oh, let me help you up." "Here we go." "Thanks." "Okay." "Rachel." "You know Janet." "Janet, how are your cockroaches?" "Ants." "It's ants." "Jack, the hell with my father." "Let's leave tonight." "I'll just pack a few things." "Right." "Right." "I left in such a rush." "We still have a deal, don't we?" "Sure we do." "I've got the formula right here." "I've got it right in my..." "Actually, I gave it to Rachel." "You what?" "Just for a moment." "Of all the people to give it to." "It's not what you think." "It is what I think." "Jack, I trusted you." "Janet, I'd like to see you in the library." "If you'll excuse us, Mr. Grates." "Janet!" "How could you have done this to me?" "I believed in you." "But Janet..." "Not Grates, it's Gates." "Excuse me, sir." "Dinner is..." "You all right, sir?" "Can I get you something?" "Yeah." "How about a new typewriter?" "You can't be my father!" "HELEN:" "It's true, Janet." "When my mother was head nurse at Ashford Falls County Community General, she accidentally switched you and Rachel when you were born." "Oh, I can't be a Hedison." "I hate the Hedisons." "I'm sorry, Janet." "But it's time it came out." "It's time Rachel learned that she is not a high and mighty Hedison." "That she can't just take what belongs to other people." "Paul is mine." "I'm glad that you're all here." "Especially you, Janet." "And, Dad, you're not going to stop me this time." "Because I realized tonight that I'm still in love with Janet and that I always will be." "Of course you're in love with her." "She's your sister." "Rachel, are you ready?" "How about these?" "No, no, Marie." "Flats with that dress!" "Are you crazy?" "I thought you were just taking a few things." "Are we going or not?" "They're right about me." "I am weak." "I don't have Rachel." "I don't even have my self-respect." "(SOBBING)" "(GUN COCKING)" "I have nothing to live for." "(DOOR CRASHING OPEN)" "(GUN FIRES)" "Jesus Christ!" "You almost killed me!" "Water. (GASPING) Water." "Water!" "(GROANING)" "Oh, my God." "What have I done to you?" "Oh, forgive me, Blake." "Oh, forgive me." "(SOBBING)" "It was Rachel." "Rachel made me do it." "Rachel?" "(LISPING) That slut did this?" "(LISPING) Yes." "Yes." "Oh, no." "What is it now?" "I forgot my shoulder pads." "Who gives a shit?" "Daddy, don't try to stop me." "I'm going to New York with Jack Gates." "I think there's something you should know, Rachel." "This is going to come as a bit of a shock, but you are not a Hedison." "Janet is my real daughter." "Oh, for Christ's sakes." "That is the corniest..." "It's Fetterman." "He's going for that baby-switching crap." "This can't be true." "JANET:" "Oh, but it is, little Ms. Tummy Tuck." "This house is mine now." "So pick up your bags and keep moving." "Bitch." "Look, you little ant eater..." "Janet, what are they doing to you?" "By the way, our deal is off, Gates." "The formula stays in the family and I get 80%." "She's a Hedison, all right." "Hold it." "Hold it." "Now I get it." "They're bringing you into the story to replace Rachel." "Stay out of this, Jack." "No!" "It's wrong!" "You're not like that." "Fetterman's trying to change you and I won't let him do it." "(COUGHING)" "(LISPING) Paul told me all about it, sister." "Well, if I'm going to die," "I'm going to shoot you first." "Give me that!" "Janet!" "(GROANING)" "Oh, shit." "Paul, Paul, do something." "Janet's been shot." "Edward, help him." "I will call the paramedics." "She's wearing my shoes." "Will you shut the hell up?" "Can you stop the bleeding?" "RACHEL:" "Yes, Paul, stop the bleeding." "She's ruining the parquet floor." "You want bleeding, huh?" "I'll show you bleeding." "You want bleeding, huh?" "Is that what you want?" "'Cause I'll give you some bleeding." "I'll give you bleeding." "Let me at her." "No, sir." "You must not." "Whoever you are, promise me" "that you'll be there when I wake up." "I promise." "Nothing's going to happen to you." "I'm not going to lose you now." "(SIREN WAILING)" "She's not going to take away what's mine." "What's ours." "Just make sure Janet doesn't survive that operation." "(STAMMERING)" "(SIGHING)" "(GRUNTING)" "Don't you see?" "If Janet is my sister, then I still have a chance with Rachel." "I'll make sure he's well taken care of." "Don't bother." "Hurry." "Every second counts." "We've got to... (HORN HONKING)" "Good Lord." "I can't leave now." "Go on." "Go on." "Where the hell have you been?" "How you doing?" "I'll tell you how I'm doing." "I've got a black bar on two and seven." "It's in the study." "(TIRES SQUEALING)" "(EXCLAIMING)" "(COUGHING)" "Oh, my God." "I'm sorry." "Don't worry about me." "(PANTING)" "It's Janet." "Rachel is going to make Paul kill Janet." "She'll never get out of surgery alive." "Are you ready, darling?" "JACK:" "How am I going to do this?" "Look, I told you, it's shaped like a little boot." "I don't have time to come over there." "Just be quiet and listen to every word I say." "That little boot goes to your spacer." "Nowcomesthetoughpart ." "There are three holes in that little black bar." "I see them." "Theonein themiddle, there'sa largeone, attach the spring to the hole in the middle." "But don't touch the roller next to it." "Repeat, do not touch the roller!" "(CRACKLING)" "Look, this is delicate work, you moron!" "Stop yelling at me!" "You're making me nervous." "Okay, I've got the spring on." "Oh, shit." "It's off again." "(WHIRRING)" "(GASPING) It's working!" "It's working!" "I did it!" "Okay, okay, so you did it." "Who cares?" "Where's the formula, my friend?" "What are you doing here?" "I sent you to Cleveland." "I should kill you for that alone." "I want that formula." "Oh, go do a mini-series or something." ""Interior." "Hospital, Operating Room."" "Nobody crosses Jack Gates." "Fine. "Nobody crosses Jack Gates." Great line." "(LAUGHING MOCKINGLY)" ""Janet has a miraculous recovery" ""as her eyes begin to flutter..."" "Oh, you poor darling." "DENNIS:" "Just take it easy, Jack." "Stay away from me!" "Don't worry, pal." "You're going to be all right." "Get your hands off me, you two-bit quack." "Where's Janet?" "What did you do with Janet?" "If anything happens to her, I'll..." "Jack, it's all right!" "You expect me to believe you?" "I know what you're up to, you goddamn bitch." "Jack." "Whoa!" "All you ever think of is yourself." "You're sick." "How dare you talk to me like that." "Where's Janet?" "What did you do with Janet?" "Jack!" "Are you okay?" "Somebody said you got hit by a truck." "Trunk." "You got hit by luggage?" "(LAUGHS SHEEPISHLY)" "(STAMMERING) Yes." "Yeah." "You see, the trunk lid popped open and hit me in the chin." "It's all right, Jack." "You must have been really out of it." "I know you'd never talk to me that way." "Not my Jack." "I was so worried about you." "Of course." "I know your concern for others eats you up inside." "Good Lord, look what I've done to you." "You need a rest." "You got to get away." "Don't you worry." "I'm going to arrange for you to take some time off from the show." "How much time?" "Oh, my God!" "You're going to give me a brain tumor." "I've got to go find Janet." "Jack, we have to talk!" "Jack!" "Jack!" "Anybody want a refrigerator?" "Marge, there was a girl here who..." "(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING)" "MAN:" "I'm supposed to audition for the paramedic." "MARGE:" "Have a seat." "What's going on here, Marge?" "Callbacks for Janet." "(GASPING)" "Sorry." "Sorry." "I saw the girls you called in for Janet." "You're making a big mistake." "She's not glitzy or glamorous." "She won't be." "She'll come in wholesome and innocent as a contrast to the evil of the Hedisons." "Oh, I see, I see, yeah." "First you set her up then you change her, right?" "Well, we don't have to do it that way." "Where did you hear all this?" "Oh, believe me, I know where you get your ideas from." "But we're going to do Janet my way." "Who says?" "JACK:" "I do." "Otherwise we're going to have the same bullshit we've had for the last five years." "Bullshit?" "You're calling it bullshit?" "We know more about this goddamn business than you'll... (COUGHING)" "Now look what you did." "Get somebody quick." "Who knows the Heimlich?" "I do." "Well, help her out, for Christ sake." "Not until you agree on Janet." "Are you crazy?" "All right, all right." "I agree." "(GROANING)" "What, you want to die on a sandwich you shouldn't even be eating?" "Come on, will you?" "(GASPING)" "What'd you give in to him for?" "Because he loves me." "(SNIFFING)" "There's a lot of love in this room." "Hi." "Is he in?" "He's in a meeting." "Thank you." "May I have your name?" "Sir." "Arnie." "Jacko." "Long time no see..." "Mr. Fetterman." "Mr. Fetterman, are you all right?" "No, Mom, I'm okay." "Yeah, I mean, they just said they wanted somebody more glamorous." "Last night I had this crazy dream that I got the part." "Yeah." "I mean," "I really had a feeling that something was going to happen for me today." "I love you, too." "Okay." "Bye." "Oh, shoot." "(BUZZING)" "Number 31, pastrami on a Kaiser." "(PLAYING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)" "Here you go, Jack." "Pastrami on a Kaiser." "Thanks, Manny." "Put it on the tab, will you?" "Oh, sure, Jack." "I can't believe this." "Lox and cream cheese on cinnamon toast?" "Get it out of here." "I'm the lox." "I know." "MAN:" "Hey, Manny, we got the ants back again." "No!" "Stop it!" "Leave them alone!" "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "(SCREAMING)" "Oh, gosh, I'm sorry." "Oh." "I don't even like ants." "Yes, you do." "Oh, I don't know why I did that." "I do." "Have you got a minute?" "Yeah." "Where are we going?" "I don't know." "I can't see." "Look, the part of the lesbian maid is taken, but I'm going to get you Janet." "(EXCLAIMING) What happened to your body?" "JACK:" "She got the part, ofcourse." "Bytheway, theshowis doinggreat." "Blakeundergoescorrective surgeryforhisteeth andtheeightpoundtumor growingoutof hisneck, whileTyhasanunfortunate accidentatthesanitarium andisnowwearing twoeyepatches." "WebroughtbackLen , pantyhoseandall." "Hehasamajoroperation andfallsin lovewith Dr.Kirkwood." "AndwhatdidIlearn fromallof this?" "Iguess themostimportantthing isthat you'rebetteroff justbeingyourself." "Unless,ofcourse,you get  achanceto be RobertWagner." "(LAUGHS)" "Oh,bytheway , Imustconfess," "Ididtryout mytypewriter justonelasttime." "AndI thinkit worked." "RememberLaura, whoplayedRachel?" "Well,she'sturningletters ona gameshowinCleveland." "♪Thoughourlipsneverspoke" "♪A wholeword" "♪Thevoices insideourhearts" "♪Howtheycriedtobe heard" "♪I hearyounow  andI knowit is real" "♪AmIa fool nottofightwhatIfeel?" "♪Theanswerlies beyondourwildestdreams" "♪Somanyroads" "♪Havebroughtus tothismoment" "♪Somanytwists, somanyturns" "♪Friendstillthe end" "♪We'llsail againstthewind" "♪Guessafool'sheart neverlearns" "♪Sowelcome tomywildestdreams" "♪Youalwayscan countonlove" "♪Torewriteeveryscene" "♪I feelyourtouch andI 'msureit is real" "♪I 'mnotafool, IcantrustwhatIfeel" "♪Tocarryusbeyond ourwildestdreams" "♪Somanyroads" "♪Havebroughtus tothismoment" "♪Somanytwists, somanyturns" "♪Friendstillthe end" "♪We'llsailagainstthewind" "♪Guessafool'sheart neverlearns" "♪Sowelcome tomywildestdreams" "♪Youalwayscan countonlove" "♪Torewriteeveryscene" "♪I feelyourtouch andI 'msureit is real" "♪I 'mnotafool IcantrustwhatIfeel" "♪Tocarryus beyondourwildestdreams♪"