"Oh, would you relax?" "I'm sure Hillary's caught Al Gore doing the same thing." " Just let me finish the fantasy." " Go ahead." "Miss Babcock, you're fired." "Because?" "I'm in love with Miss Fine." "I just love playing this game." "Where is he, anyway?" "At some boring business dinner?" "Well, if you must know, and I know you must, he's gone to a party." " Get out of here." " That's what I told him." "Well, you know what this means, don't you?" "Yes." "That he's finally letting go of the past and rejoining the world of the living." "No." "That his Jacuzzi tub is free." "No, no, no." "Forget it, Miss Fine." "There's a problem with that tub." " Oh?" " What?" "It's taken." "Oh." "No, you don't." "Oops." "I locked the door." "And would you look how filthy this key is." "I better go wash it in the Jacuzzi." "Na-na-na-na-na." "Hey, hey, hey." "Too many doors in this house." "It's like Laugh-In." "Aren't you gonna get it?" "I can let a phone ring." "Can you?" "It might be that fabulous man you were telling your mother about." "No." "He wouldn't call." " Why not?" " I made him up." "It could be Visa increasing your limit." " Hello." " Sucker." "Oh, it's you, Mr. Sheffield." "Well, where are you?" "Oh, he sounds like he's had too much to drink." "All right." "Stay where you are." "I'm gonna come and get you." " I'll get my coat." " Don't bother." "Goodbye, Miss Fine." "Well, hello, Miss Fine." "Someone's 100 proof." "Don't light a match." "Why so shocked?" "Your father never came home inebriated?" "No." "We're Jewish." "He came home gaseous." "Never lit a match then, either." "♪ If you want my body" "♪ And you think I'm sexy" "♪ Come on sugar tell me so" "Okay, Mr. Sheffield, calm down." "That's not even attractive from Rod Stewart any more." "No!" "Good morning, everyone!" "Dad, are you sick?" "No, no, no." "I'm feeling fine, Margaret." "That's Gracie." "Oh, when did we have her?" "Never mind when we had her." "When can we start making another one?" "Miss Fine, leave Mr. Sheffield alone." "He's in a very vulnerable state." "Niles, isn't that my watch?" "Oh, yes, sir, and thank you." "I love it." "Well, I hope last night was worth this morning." "You know, you really shouldn't drink like that." "Miss Fine, you're a beautiful woman." "Do you find me attractive?" "On the other hand, a little booze is good for the heart." "Not one woman spoke to me at that party last night the whole evening." "As a matter of fact, they all avoided me like the plague." "Well, maybe it's because of that." "I beg your pardon?" "Your wedding ring." "You know, believe it or not, some women find it a turnoff." "Conjures up images of a beautiful house, three children, a nanny with a 20-inch waist." "You know, Miss Fine, you might think this foolish, but wearing this ring helps me to remember my wife." "Oh, you're never gonna forget her." "Just look at Maggie's smile or Gracie's eyes or Brighton's..." "Did your wife take any trips?" "Let me ask you something." "When you fill out your taxes, what do you put in marital status?" " "S" or "M?" - "S."" "All right." "So you told Uncle Sam you're single." "Maybe it's time you told yourself." "But I want to be an "M" again." "Yeah, well, I want to be an "M," too." "But first you gotta get out there and make an "S" out of yourself." "Try this, sir." "It's my father's hangover remedy." "Oh, thank you, Niles." "Oh, Niles, it's far too early in the morning for anything this repulsive." "Hello, hello." "Mr. Sheffield wants you to go home and come back in an hour." " It isn't working." " So sorry." "Forgot the hair of the dog." "Maxwell, look at this." "Andrew Lloyd Webber's made the New York Times crossword puzzle." "What?" "Why can't I be in the bloody crossword puzzle?" "I've produced more plays than he has." "Yeah, and your plays are better than his 'cause you can always get tickets for yours and his are sold out for months." "What?" "Maxwell, what have I been telling you for the past 10 years?" ""Send that chorus boy to my room"?" "No." "Get yourself..." "No!" "Get yourself a publicist." "I know just the person." "Sydney Mercer." "He's an old coot, but he is the best PR man in the business." "No, C.C. Forget it." "Self-promotion is so tacky." "No." "Not if you do it right." "Get the guy that's handling Hugh Grant's hooker." "She's coming across very classy." "Fran, what you doing?" "Oh, Weight Watchers is very strict." "They only allow you one cookie." "Hi." "I'm Sydney Mercer." "Miss Babcock is expecting me." "Oh, no, she's not." "I'm gonna go tell Miss Babcock." "Oh, no, no, no." "Butler's job." "Butler's job." "Come on in." "Are you Mrs. Sheffield?" "Oh, no, I'm not his wife." "I just live with him, run his life, and raise his kids." "I'm Fran, the nanny." "Come on in." "Niles..." "Niles, what is so damn important?" "And may I present Sydney Mercer." "I know Sydney Mercer." "He's a fat, old, womanizing geezer." "He's my father." "And funny." "Oh, love that guy." "Miss Mercer, right this way." "Mr. Sheffield's sorry he's kept you." "We're all sorry he's kept you." "Max, you are a publicist's dream." "You are devastatingly handsome, sexy, and incredibly debonair." "Wait." "She hasn't even seen him do his Rod Stewart yet." "Your only problem is that you have kept yourself a secret." "Yes, yes, I'm a secret." "I was just telling everyone what a secret I was, right?" "He's such a secret." "Oh, yeah, he's a secret, all right." "Oh, Max, we are gonna have so much fun together." "Just put yourself in my hands." "Whoa." "Whoa." "Before Maxwell puts anything in your hands, he must discuss this with his partner." "We make all our important decisions together." "You're hired." "Maxwell, I want a man." "The last one deflated when she nibbled his ear." "And to think this morning I was so recalcitrant." "Eggs always do that to him." "Miss Fine, why are you here?" "I don't know." "Everyone was walking this way." "Oh, look, Sydney got Mr. Sheffield on the cover of People magazine." "Yeah." "The worst dressed list." "Meanwhile, only the hippest and trendiest people end up on that list." "They got Marsha Clark on the best dressed." "Case closed." "Oh." "Meanwhile, I think he looks gorgeous." "But who's that cheap floozy squeezing into the picture behind him?" "Oh!" "I'm in People magazine." "Listen to this." "Liz Smith." ""Broadway producer, Maxwell Sheffield has hired the young, vivacious Sydney Mercer to promote him."" "Promote, my ass." "All right." "But we'll need a two-page spread." "Hello, people." "Anyone catch me on Ricki Lake?" "Yes." "And you looked gorgeous." "Oh, that Bea Arthur was making such eyes for you." "Whoa." "If it isn't the lost Baldwin brother, Pappy." "You know, darling, I think we should celebrate our success." "How's this sound to you?" "The Rainbow Room." "Dinner, dancing." "Free tonight?" "As a bird." "Oh, so I can take care of the kids." "Darling, there is no one I would rather have dinner with." "See you at 8:00?" "Oh, did you see how many holes he has in his jeans?" "12. 12." "Well, I talked him out of the leather pants." "Then I spent the next hour getting him out of the leather pants." "Took you an hour to get a pair of pants off of a man?" "Next time, try wearing a little Chanel No. 5 and a tube top." "Miss Fine, this is serious." "Our little boy is noticing girls." "Oh, please, he's not ready to take the plunge with Sydney." "The man is a scared, timid little puppy." "Well, night all." "And don't wait up." "Well, wait a minute." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "There's something different about you." "You took off your wedding ring." "My bloody hand's in my pocket." "How could you possibly know that?" "Oh, I could spot a man without a wedding ring a mile away." "Oh, there's one." "There's one." "There's another one." "What the hell am I doing in here?" "Well, Niles, what do you think of the new look, huh?" "Oh, it's fantastic, sir." "Yes." "I'd take all those Brooks Brothers suits and just give them away." "Good idea." "Get rid of them for me, would you?" "Yes." "I'll make all the alterations... arrangements." "Well, Miss Fine, you were right." "I think I really was hiding behind my ring." "Truth is, I was terrified of getting hurt." "But now, thanks to you, I think I've really met the one." "Well, the guy's in love." "I couldn't be happier for him." "Think it'll last?" "Miss Fine, you're not concerned about your position?" "Niles, you dog." "No." "In the household, Miss Fine." "Oh, what have I got to be worried about?" "That he'll bring home a wife who'll take care of the kids, feed them lunch, send them off to school?" "I don't do that." "Well, I better go upstairs and clean out a few of his drawers." "Niles, she's not moving in yet." "I know." "I need some shirts to go with my new suits." "I'll get it." "I'll get it." "Oh." "Hello, Fran." "Is Maxwell ready?" "Well, what are you doing here?" "He just left to go to the Rainbow Room." "Oh, no." "I thought I was supposed to meet him here." "Oh, you better hurry up, because if he eats too late, he gets terrible indigestion." "But if that happens, don't let him take anything but two Mylanta gelcaps." "Oh, wait." "I'll give you some." "And I just want to wish you all the happiness in the world." "You will be needing a nanny, won't you?" "What are we talking about?" "Well, $500 a week plus dental." "Fran, you are way off." "Okay. $350 and a Waterpik." "No." "I mean Maxwell." "I'm not interested in him that way." "Well, what's the matter?" "He's not good enough for you?" "It's his gender." "Oh, believe me, I accidentally saw him in the shower, and there's nothing wrong with his gender." "Fran, I'm gay." "You're gay?" "Oh, thank God." "Uh." "Uh, I'm letting go and you're not." "Why?" "Aren't you gay, too?" "Me?" "No." "I just assumed." "You're over 30." "You've never been married." "There's no man in your life." "Oh, honey, I'm not gay." "I'm just pathetic." "Too bad." "I would have asked you out." "Oh, great." "A gorgeous professional finally asks me out and it's a woman." "You're not Jewish, are you?" "Sorry." "Oh, too bad." "We were this close to making my mother happy." "I feel like this whole thing is my fault." "Oh, don't blame yourself." "But how could you do this to him?" "Couldn't you see he was falling for you?" "You're not enjoying this, are you?" "Fran, how was I to know?" "We just had business lunches." "I talked, he listened." "Does that mean he wants to have sex with me?" "Yes." "That's why they listen." "That's why they buy you dinner." "That's why they tell you they like your voice, it's not too nasal." "Oh." "Fran, I really want to keep Max as a client." "How can I make this up to him?" "Oh, I don't know." "The poor man's sitting alone in a restaurant, his heart on his sleeve, vulnerable, ready to make a commitment to a woman..." "Taxi!" "Taxi!" "Taxi!" "Wait." "Hold the elevator." "Hold the elevator." "Miss Fine, what on Earth are you doing here?" "Um, my eye doctor's in this building." "And you're dressed like that?" "Oh, would you look at what I put on!" "Well, thank God he could take me on Saturday night." "Mr. Sheffield, what do you think of when a woman is in her 30s, gorgeous, and never been married?" "Oh, don't worry, Miss Fine." "You'll meet someone." "Not me." "I was talking about..." "Oh, you think I'm gorgeous?" "What's your point?" "Never mind." "How long have you thought I was gorgeous?" "Miss Fine, I have a date with Sydney." "Oh, no, you don't." "She's gay." "Let's focus on me." "What?" "What did you say?" "I said let's focus on me." "Miss Fine!" "Oh, no." "The elevator's stuck!" "Just keep calm." "Keep calm." " I think we're stuck!" " It's gonna be okay, Miss Fine." "What are you doing?" "I'm looking for the emergency phone." "That's not it." "Oh, well, then I'd better stop talking into it." "Oh, well, at least the lights came back on." "I can't believe Sydney's gay." "Oh, God, what an idiot I've made of myself." "Oh, wait a minute." "What am I saying?" "She doesn't know how I feel about her." "Oh, well, don't be so sure." "You know, women have a sixth sense..." "You told her?" "Oh, yeah." "You know, Miss Fine, my one regret is that the cable on this elevator might snap before I can get my hands around your throat." "That's your one regret?" "Not the revival of Fiddler starring Lyle Waggoner?" "Miss Fine!" "Would you just calm down?" "Relax." "Let's just sit down and take it easy." "Eventually, someone will come and get us out of here." "Oh, what a waste." "You know, upstairs I have an intimate table for two waiting, a violinist, champagne chilling on ice, cracked crab." "All right, give me a boost." "We're making a break." " Let me take this off." " Jacket." "It's only one floor away." "Oh, it's right over there where that rat just went." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "There's a rat." "There's a rat." "Oh, Mr. Sheffield." "Miss..." "Miss..." "Miss Fine, it's all right." "Just calm down, Miss Fine." "Just remember he's more afraid of you than you are of him." "Oh, I don't think so." "Right now he's looking at my hair thinking," ""Is that a one-bedroom or a two?"" "Pull me down." "Pull me down." "Pull me down." "Oh, good news and bad news, Miss Fine." "The bad news is you're stuck." "Oh, well, what's the good news?" "You've got your money's worth on that Thigh Master." "Help!" "Oh, my God." "What?" "Another rat?" "Worse." "There's a echo in here." "I just heard my own voice." "Oh, the band's beginning to play." "Oh." "How I love this song." "Want to dance?" "No, Miss Fine." "If you, if you don't mind, I'd rather sit this one out." "Maybe I should sit out the next five years, then I wouldn't have to feel this way again." "Oh, Mr. Sheffield, don't be so hard on yourself." "Take it from me, you're a real catch." "When the right woman comes along, believe me, you'll know it." "Thank you, Miss Fine." "But I'm afraid I wouldn't know the right woman for me if she fell out of the sky."