"1x01:" "Downsizing by belkiss  unfold" "All right Jim your quarterlies look very good." "How the thing is going at the library ?" "Oh I told you couldn't closet so..." "So you've come to the master for...guidance ?" "Is this what you're saying grasshopper?" "Actually you call me in here, but yeah." "All right, well let me show you how it's done." "Yes, I liked to speak to your office manager please... yes hello this is Michael Scott, I am the regional manager of dundler Mifflin paper products." "Just wanted to talk to you manager on manager." "All right done deal, thank you very much sir, you're a gentleman in the scolar." "Oh I'm sorry, ok, I'm sorry, my mistake." "That was a woman I was talking to..." "she had a very low voice." "Probably a smoker." "So...so that's the way it's done." "I've been in Dundler Mifflin for twelve years, the last four as regional manager" "If you want to come through here, so we have the entire floor, so this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see, ah this is our receptionist Pam." "Pam, Pam Pam!" "Pam Beesly." "Pam has been with us for... for ever, right Pam?" "Well, I don't know!" "If you think she's cute now you should have seen her a couple of years ago!" "What?" "Any messages?" "Yeah, just a fax" "Pam this is from corporate." "How many times have I told you that there's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate." "You haven't told me!" "It's called the wastepaper basket." "Look at that !" "Look at that face!" "People say I'm the best boss." "They go, "God we've never worked in a place like this before, you're hilarious, and you get the best out of us."" "I think that pretty much sums it up" "I found it at Spencer Gifts." "My job is to speak to clients on the phone about quantities and type of copier paper." "You know, whether we can supply to them whether they can pay for it and..." "I'm boring myself just talking about this." "He still loves that after seven years!" "What?" "Nothing" "Ok, all right." "See you later" "All right, take care." "Back to work." "Corporate really doesn't interfere with me at all, Jan Levinson-Gould" "Jan, hello!" "I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton, right?" "Not to her face because, not because I'm scared of her, because I'm not but... yeah." "All right, was it anything you wanted to add to the agenda?" "Me no get an agenda." "I'm sorry, what?" "I didn't get any agenda." "Oh I faxed one overdue this morning." "Really?" "Cause I didn't...did we get a fax this morning?" "Yeah, the one..." "Why isn't it in my hand?" "Because a company runs on efficiency of communication, right?" "So what's the problem Pam, why I didn't get it?" "You put it in the garbage can that was a special filing cabinet." "Yeah, that was a joke, that was actually my brother's, it was supposed to be with bills and doesn't work great with faxes." "Do you want to look at mine?" "Yeah." "Thank you." "Ok since the last meeting, Alan and the board have decided that we can't justify Scranton branch and the Stafford branch" "Oh ok..." "No, Michael don't panic" "No no no no this is good, this is fine" "Michael listen, don't panic" "We haven't made any decisions yet," "I've spoken to Joshua in Stanford I've told him the same as you and it's up to either you or him to convince me that your branch can incorporate the other" "Ok no problem" "This does however mean that there is going to be downsizing" "Me no wanna hear that Jan, because downsizing is a bitch, it is a real bitch, and I wouldn't wish that on Joshua's men," "I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men, or women present company excluded...sorry." "is Josh concerned about downsizing himself?" "Not downsizing himself but is he concerned about downsizing?" "Question: how long do we have to ..." "Oh, Todd Paker, terrific rept, do you mind if I take it?" "No, go ahead" "Pac man!" "Hey, big queen" "Oh, that's not appropriate" "Hey, ?" "is old gut zumee ?" "coming in today?" "I don't know what you mean" "Look, I demanded ask her one question" "Does the corporate master rape" "Oh my god!" "That's so horrifying!" "Horrible" "Horrible person!" "So do you think we can keep...a lid on this for now I don't want to worry people unnecessarily." "No, absolutely." "Under this regime, it will not leave this office." "So what is downsizing actually mean?" "Well" "You guys gotta update your resume, just like I'm doing." "I bet it's gonna be me, probably." "Yeah, it'll be you" "I have an important question for you." "Yes" "Are you going to engelate ?" "the cup brains?" "on Sunday?" "Yeah, stop." "That's ridiculous." "Am I gonna tell them?" "No I'm not going to tell them, I don't see the point of that." "As a doctor you would not tell a patient if they had cancer." "This is Mister Scott." "Ryan Howard from the temp agency" "?" "Ted Nickels?" "set me down to start today" "Howard, like Moe Howard, Three Stooges?" "Right here, my vibe." "Oh Pam, that's a guy thing Pam." "I'm sort of a student in comedy" "I'm Hitler, Adolph Hitler" "I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go." "Because then I might" "It's just, I don't think it's many girls dream to be a receptionist." "I like to do illustrations, mostly water color, a few oil pencil." "Jim thinks they're good." "Dundler Mifflin this is Pam." "Sure, Mr. Davis, let me call you right back." "Yeah, some just came up, two minutes." "Thank you very much." "Dwight, what are you doing?" " What?" " What are you doing?" "Just clearing my desk, I can't concentrate" " It's not on your desk." " It's overlapping." "It's all coming over the edge." "One word, two syllables : demarcation." " You can't do that." " Why not?" "Safety violation, I could fall and pierce, and organ." "We'll see" "This is why the whole downsizing thing just doesn't bother me." "Downsizing?" "I have no problem with that." "I have been recommending downsizing since Halpert got here even brought it up on my interview." "I say, bring it on!" "You just still have messages for yesterday." "Relax everything is under control" "Yeah, yeah, yeah oh that's important, right." "Oh, this is so important, I should run to answer it." "What?" "Come on." "Six million dollars man, Steve Austin, actually that would be a good salary for me don't you think?" "Six million dollars?" "Memo to Jan:" "I deserve a raise" "Don't we all?" "I'm sorry?" "There's nothing!" "If you are unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with HR, ok?" "Not today, ok?" "Pam just, be professional." "I think I'm a role model here, I think I garner other people respect." "Attention on Dundler Mifflin employees, please we have a meeting in the conference room ASAP" "People I respect, heros of mine, would be Bob Hope," "Abraham Lincoln, definitely," "Bono, and probably God be the fourth one." "And I just think all those people really helped the world, in so many ways, that it's, it's really beyond words." "It's really uncalculable." "Now, I know there's some rumors out there, and I just kind want to see...." "I'm assistant regional manager, I should know first." "Assistant to the regional manager." "Ok." "Can you just tell me please?" "Just a whisper in my ear." "I'm about to tell everybody." "I'm just about to tell exeryone" "Please, ok." "Do you want me to tell them?" "You don't know what it is!" "Can you tell them, with my permission?" "I don't need your..." "Permission granted." "Go ahead" "Corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me, and Jan is thinking about downsizing either the Stanford branch or this branch." "I heard they might be closing this branch down," "That's just..." "That's just the rumor going around this is my first day I don't really know." "Yeah, but Michael what if they downsize here?" "Not gonna happen" "It could be out of your hands, Michael" "It won't be out of my hands, Stanley, ok?" "I promise you that." "Can you promise that?" "On his mother's grave." "Well yeah it is a promise, and frankly I'm a little bit insulted that you have to keep asking about it." "It's just that we need to know" "Hold on a second, I think Pam wanted to say something, Pam?" "You had a look that you wanted to ask a question, just then?" "I was in the meeting with Jan and she did said that it could be this branch that gets the axe." "Are you sure about that?" "Pam?" "Maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings." "Pam, information is power." "So you can't say for sure whether it's gotta to be us or them." "No no, no Stanley, no you did not see me in there with her." "I said, if corporate wants to come in here, and interfere then they're gonna have to go through me, right?" "You know, you can go a mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my children." "If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head?" "You know, tonnage price of minal folders?" "Pam's favorite flavor of yoghourt, which is mix berry." "Jim said mix berries?" "Yeah he's under me" "Watch out for this guy Dwight Schrute in the building!" "This is Ryan, the new temp." "Nice to meet you." "Introduce yourself, be polite" "Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager." "Assistant to the Regional Manager." "So Dwight tell him about the kung fu, and the car and everything." "Yeah, I got a 78-2-8 ?" "daisy?" ", I've bought her for 1200, fixed it up, now worth three grand." "That is his profit!" "New engine, suspension I've got some photos" "Damn it!" "Ok, hold on," "Judge is in cession." "What is the problem here?" "He put my stuff in jello again." "That's rough professional, thanks" "That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first time." "It's ok here, but people some how is taking advantage because it's so relaxed." "I'm a volunteer sheriff's deputy on the week ends, and you cannot screw around there." "It's one of the rules." "What is that?" "That's my stapler." "No no no, do not take it out!" "You have to eat it out there, because there are starving people in the world, and which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food." "Ok, you know what?" "You can be a witness." "Can you reprimand him please?" " How do you know it was me?" " It's always you." " Are you gonna discipline him or not?" "Ooh discipline, kinky!" "All right, here's the deal you guys the thing about practical jokes, is that you have to know when to start, as well as when to stop!" "And yeah, Jim, now is the time to stop pulling Dwight's personal effects into jello." "Ok, Dwight I'm sorry because, I've always been your biggest Flam" "Nice, that's the way it is around here" "You should have put him in custard-y!" "Yes, new guy!" "He scores !" "Ok that's great, I guess, what I'm most concerned with is... damage to company property." "That's all." "Pudding..." "I'm trying to think, another desert to do." "Do you like to going out at the end of a week for a drink?" "Yeah!" "Oh, that's why we all going out, so we can have an end of the week drink!" "well then when are we going out?" "I don't know, tonight, hopefully." "Ok, yeah." "Hey man!" "Hey!" "What's going on?" "Hey baby!" "Roy is my fiancé, we've been engaged about... about 3 years, and we were supposed to get married in September, but I think we'll gonna get married in next spring" "Do you mind if I go out for a drink with these guys?" "No, come on." "Let's get out of here and go home." "Ok, I will be out in a few minutes so it's lame twenty past five I've still to do my faxes." "You know you should come with us, because you know we are going out and it could be a good chance for you to see what people are like outside the office, I think it could be fun" "No, it sounds good but seriously we gotta get going" "Yeah" "What's in the bag?" "Just tell her i'll talk to her then" "No definitely all right dude awesome, we'll do" "Do I think I'll be invited to the wedding?" "So, have you felt vibe yet?" "We work hard, we play hard." "Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard, right?" "I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I am a friend first, and a boss second." "Probably an entertainer third." "Just a second" "Right?" "Oh, hey do you like the Jamie Kennedy Experiment?" "Yeah" "Punk'd, and all that kind of stuff?" "You are going to be my complice, just go on with that ok?" "All right" "Just follow my lead, don't pimp me all right?" "Come in!" "So corporate just said that I don't want to you got a fax" "Oh thank you Pam" "Pam?" "Can you come in here for a sec?" "Just have a seat, I was gonna call you in anyway, you know Ryan?" "As you know, there is going to be downsizing and you have made my life so much easier, in that I'm going to have to let you go first" "What?" "Why?" "Why?" "Well, theft, and stealing" "Stealing?" "What am I suppose to have stolen?" "Post-It notes." "Post-It notes...?" "Worth of those like 50 cents?" "You steal a thousand Post-It notes at 50cents a piece, then you know you've made a profit margin." "Resell of business Pam" " Are you serious?" " Yeah." "I can't believe this, I mean," "I have never even stolen as much as a paper clip and you're firing me." "And the best thing about it is that we are not gonna have to give you any severance pay, because that is gross misconduct, and... just clean out your desk." "I'm sorry." "You've been X'd punk'd!" "Surprise it's a joke, we were joking around, you see?" "Ok, he was in on he was my accomplice and there was cascand around booster thing, and we were showing the new guy around the kind of, to give him the field of place, so..." "God, you were, we totally got you you're a jerk" "Well, I don't know about that" "What is the most important thing for a company?" "Is it the cash flow?" "Is it the inventory?" "No it's the people." "The "people"." "My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17%, or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee." "No, no, no, no." "It was a young Guatemalan guy, a first job in the country, barely spoke English, came to me and said" ""Mr Scott, would you be the Godfather to my child?"" "Didn't work out in the end." "We had to let him go." "He sucked." "Hey" "Hey how are you?" "Good I thought you were going out for a drink with..." "Oh no" "How's your headache?" "Better, thanks." "Good" "Are you" "Walking out?" "Yes" "Yes do you wanna?" "Yeah" "Great, let me just" "Oh Roy" "Yeah, listen have a nice week-end!" "Yeah definitely you too!" "Enjoy it" "Come here" "The World's Best Boss"