"Â" "I'vegotto handittoyou," "Mike, that appearance -- that appearance on Between Two Ferns really got the affordable care act a lot of buzz." "ThecreditgoestoMara ,our social media expert, she brought us your Galifianakis thing and the idea to post your NCAA bracket online." "Oh,Mr.President,itwasjust an honor to be involved." "Marawasalsobehindviralsensations like planking and icanhascheezeburger." "Andafterwe 'rethrougheverybody's gonna be saying Icanhashealthcare." "Welllet'skeepitgoing." "The deadline to sign up is on Monday." "Sir,I thinkif youtrust" "Mara, she'll get you at least ten million new sign-ups on healthcare.gov in the next 48 hours." "Great." "What do we need to do?" "Let'sstartwithInstagram." "The White House account is mostly pictures of you meeting the leader of Ukraine and talking to school kids -- [ snoring ]" "So let's do something totally viral." "Come on in, guys." "What we're going to do is you're going to hold this healthcare.gov sign and we'll give you Pharrell's hat and an e-cigarette to vape on." "Buzzfeed is going to eat this up." "Idon'tknow,Mike,this  seems to be sending off the wrong " " I don't think we should do this." "Andthree,two,one ." "Okay, got it." "Mr.President,there's millions of people out there who need health care." "You're the one who wanted to do this." "Okay." "Putit up ." "Great." "Let'smoveontoTwitter." "Ellen DeGeneres broke your record for most retweeted photo of all time." "Today we want to take it back with a photo that's supes buzzy." "Let's bring in Kim Kardashian," "Harry Styles, a cat dressed like" "Princess Elsa from Frozen, and Batkid." "Hello." "I love history." "You know." "Hey, you're the president, right?" "Are you like on money?" "Why did they take my phone away from me?" "Three,two,one." "Got it." "Thatwasso weird." "I'm just like, what room is this?" "This place is like crazy, this is like the Marley Simmons' house." "I don't even know what's happening, you guys." "I'mnotsureaboutthis ." "Goodnews." "That photo from Instagram has been faved 152,000 times." "Butisn'tit alittlesilly?" "Mr.President,I'lltellwhat  you is silly." "Right now there is a pregnant woman in Denver who has no health insurance." "That is silly." "Okay." "Fine." "Post it." "Allright." "So moving on." "You know who is hot right now?" "The pope." "So lets get him in here." "Your holiness." "Â" "YougotPopeFrancis?" "Yeah." "Wemetat Bonnaroo." "He loves affordable healthcare." "Thank you so much for coming." "It'snoproblemo." "Forthenextvideo,itis  going to be a vine video and we want to see you dancing the na-na." "Alright, hit it." "Idon'tknow." "It seems to send the wrong message." "I don't think we should " "Three,two-- okay,got it." "Mike,I reallythinkwe should hold off on sending that." "Mr.President,rightnow  there is a child in Little Rock and he wants to see a day where everyone has affordable health insurance but he can't." "And you know why?" "Because he was born without eyes." "Allright." "All right." "Fine, go ahead and post it." "Anything else?" "Actuallythereis onemore photo we think will be huge, if you're up for it." "Yeah,wewantyou tokiss" "Justin Bieber on the lips." "Excuseme." "No way." "Sir,letme tellyou astory." "I recently met a 10-year-old girl in St. Louis who no health insurance." "She has a heart of gold." "It's a rare and horrible condition." "Her heart is made of gold." "She needs healthcare, Mr. President." "Allright,fine." "Let's do it." "Comeonin ,Justin." "[ applause ] [ laughter ]" "IguessI'llkissthepresident." "President probably doesn't want to kiss me." "Who would want to kiss this stupid old face?" "[ laughter ]" "Allright." "All right." "Okay." "[ laughter ]" "Oh,mygosh." "Thatwasbeautiful." "Sir,youmadehistory." "Youthinkso ?" "Wellthen,livefromNew" "York, it's Saturday Night." "Â" "ANNOUNCER:" "It's"SaturdayNightLive "" "with Vanessa Bayer" "Â" "Aidy Bryant" "Taran Killam" "Kate McKinnon" "Bobby Moynihan" "Nasim Pedrad" "Jay Pharoah" "Cecily Strong" "Kenan Thompson featuring Beck Bennett" "Colin Jost" "John Milhiser" "Kyle Mooney" "Mike O'Brien" "Noel Wells" "Brooks Wheelan" "Sasheer Zamata" "Â musical guest, Sam Smith." "And your host Louis C.K." "Â" "Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K." "[ cheering and applause ]" "Thankyou." "Thank you very much." "[ cheering and applause ]" "Why,thankyou." "Okay." "That's very nice." "I hope somebody does that for you some day." "[ laughter ]" "Thatwasaverynice thing." "I hope you had a good day." "All I could do about it is hope." "I had a pretty good day." "I went out shopping for some things I needed and now I don't need them because I got them." "I got a white noise machine." "Do you know what those are?" "It is a machine that helps white people sleep at night." "It shouldn't be able to." "I am hungry." "I'm a little hungry." "I mean I feel hungry." "I think Americans shouldn't say" "I'm hungry." "You should say I feel hungry." "If you ate today, you shouldn't say I'm hungry." "Hunger is a real thing." "I don't have third world hunger," "I have first world hunger." "I would like a donut." "[ laughter ]" "SomepeoplesayI'm starving." "That's offensive." "I'm starving." "I haven't eaten since 2:00, I'm starving." "Don't say that." "Because some people are starving and they don't say it." "You never see a little kid in" "Africa with his ribs showing saying, I am, like, starving right now." "I'm, like, literally starving to death." "It's, like, annoying." "Â" "I have two kids." "I went to my daughter's play the other day." "I don't know if you have kids, but there is no more joyful feeling in the human experience than when a child's play is over." "[ laughter ]" "Nothingfeelsthatgood." "When you can say I am not watching that any longer." "Every second my daughter is on stage, I can't breathe because" "I'm so proud of her, but this is a bad show." "[ laughter ]" "Theyworkedreallyhardand it didn't make it good." "[ laughter ]" "I'mgladI'mraisinggirls, though, because boys " " I don't like boys." "I just don't like boys." "That is probably a good thing to say." "I don't like boys." "I mean, I don't think women are better than men, but I do think that men are worse than women." "[ laughter ]" "Wejusthave--like Iwas  talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend is mad at him and" "I said what happened." "Well, I guess I said something and then she got her feelings hurt." "That is a weird way to phrase it." "She got her feelings hurt." "I said something and then she -- could you more remove yourself from responsibility?" "She got her feelings hurt." "It is like saying, yeah, I shot this guy in the face and then I guess he got himself murdered." "[ laughter ]" "Ijustshot--heleanedintoit ." "I didn't know." "[ laughter ]" "I'veneverbeenmurdered." "[ laughter ]" "I'mgoingto diesomeday." "I accept that." "I don't know what happens afterwards." "Some people say you go to heaven." "I'm totally going to heaven." "By the way, this is the only voice I know how to do." "That is the only voice I have." "I can't do impressions." "This is my impression of the president." "I'm the first black president." "Â" "I'm like, literally, the first black president." "[ laughter ]" "Doyouguysthinkthereisaheaven?" "If you believe you're going to heaven, clap if you think you're going to heaven." "You think you're going to heaven?" "Yes." "Really." "How old are you?" "21." "Andyou'realockforheavenalready." "Been a grown-up for three years, you couldn't possibly make a mistake." "Well good luck." "Personally, I don't think there is a heaven." "I think maybe there's a God, but there's no heaven." "That is the best news you get." "You die and you're like, hey" "God, where is heaven?" "And he's like, I don't know who's telling people that." "I'm supposed to make a universe and then another whole amazing place for afterwards?" "You guys are greedy dicks down there." "[ laughter ]" "Well,wheredo Igo?" "Just stand in this room with me now." "I don't like it." "Tell me about it, I've been here since 1983 or whatever." "I don't know when God started." "I'm not religious." "I don't know if there is a God." "I just say I don't know." "Some people say they know there isn't." "That is a weird thing to think you can know." "Are you sure there is no God?" "Yeah, no, there's no God." "How do you know?" "'cause I didn't see him." "There's a vast universe." "You can see for about 100 yards when there's not a building in the way." "Did you look everywhere?" "Did you look in the downstairs bathroom?" "Where have you looked so far?" "I haven't seen 12 Years a Slave yet, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist." "I'm waiting until it comes on cable." "I think if there is a God," "I don't know if it's the one in the Bible, 'cause that's a weird story." "He's our father, and we're his children, that is it." "Our father who art in heaven." "Where is our mother?" "What happened to our mom?" "[ laughter ]" "Whatdidhe do to ourmom ?" "[ laughter ]" "Somethinghappened." "Somewhere in heaven there is a porch with a dead lady under it and I want the story." "Somebodyneedsto checkthe  trunk of God's car, for bleach and rope and fibers." "Well how can we not have a mother?" "At least maybe God is divorced." "Maybe he has an ex-wife." "God is a single dad and he's raising us alone and we're praying, and he's like, I'm trying but it's just me up here." "Maybe that is what is going on." "Maybe your life is your time -- this is our weekend with dad." "That is what life is." "Your weekend." "And then when you die you go to mom's house." "[ laughter ]" "ItmakessensethatGodwould  be a woman, doesn't it?" "Because you are raised by your mom." "I think the reason we made God a man in our culture because we want to make sense that men are in charge." "Because otherwise it doesn't make sense." "You start with a woman." "It is like what comes first?" "The chicken or the egg?" "Of course it is the egg." "You can't just make a chicken." "You have to start with an egg and grow a chicken." "Â" "And then people say where did the egg come from?" "From a chicken, you idiot." "[ applause ]" "Womenbirthedus andraised us and so why aren't they running things?" "I think I know why." "Because millions of years ago women were in charge and they were mean and horrible and they would make us walk around naked and flick your penis when you walk by." "They were awful." "But what could you do?" "It's your mom and her friends." "And then one guy punched his mom and we're like, we can hit them and then we did the whole thing." "But that is why men are mean to women today, because we're terrified of them." "That is why -- we didn't give the women the vote until 1920, that means American democracy is" "94 years old." "There are three people in my building older than American democracy." "That is how -- women have had a rough time." "It was so okay to beat your wife until so recently that today we have a kind of shirt named after it." "[ laughter ]" "Thereisapieceofclothing in our culture affectionately nicknamed after beating the crap out of your wife." "And for some reason, this is offensive to nobody." "[ laughter ]" "IsawawomanonGoodMorning" "America, she said, my husband is walking around the house in a wife beater." "I'm like, stop saying it like it's not horrible." "He's wearing a wife beater and child murder shorts tonight." "Like so cute." "We have a great show." "Sam Smith is here." "[ cheering and applause ]" "We'llberightback." "Â" "ThisisBlackJeopardy." "Whatup,whatup, whatup?" "Welcome to Black Jeopardy." "I'm your host, Alex Treblack." "No, I'm just playing." "I'm Darnell Haynes." "Now it is the 50th anniversary so we finally got our own." "Our contestants are Amir." "Howyoudoin'?" "Keeley." "What'sup?" "AndMark." "Surprised to see you, Mark" "Yes,wellI'maprofessorof" "African-American studies at" "Brigham-Young University." "I just decided, well, I'll give this a try." "[ laughter ]" "Okay." "I guess we'll see." "Let's take a look at the categories." "We got, "It's been a minute."" ""That girl."" ""On punishment."" ""Had that been me."" ""White people."" "And "Pssh."" "Â" "Amir, you're our returning champ." "You pick." "Â" "Okay,soI'lltake"That girl" for 200." "Allright,hereistheclue." "She think she cute." "[ buzzer ]" "Keeley?" "WhoisMonique?" "That'sit." "[ laughter ]" ""Thatgirl"for400 ." "Shedohair." "[ buzzer ]" "Keeley?" "Alizay" "Oh,I 'msorry,yougot to state your answer in the form of a question." "Okay,Alizay?" "[ laughter and applause ]" "Â" "Thereyougo ." "[ applause ]" "CanI asksomething,are  there any questions about black history?" "Â" "Hey,man,relax." "What we got is what we got." "Okay." "Just try and play, you might win some money." "Okay,sure." "Keeley." "Let'sgoto "It'sbeenaminute."" "Okay,here'stheclue." "It's been a minute since he came home." "[ buzzer ]" "Amir?" "WhoisRico?" "Yes." "All right, cool." "I'll take "It's been a minute"" "for 400." "Okay." "It's been a minute since he got a job." "[ buzzer ]" "Mark?" "Whoisan unemployedfellow- black?" "[ laughter ]" "That's probably the wrong answer." "[ laughter ]" "Allright." "Amir it's still you." "Let'stry"Pssh"for 200 ." "Okay." "Alicia wants to use you as a job reference." "[ buzzer ]" "Amir?" "Oh,whatis pssh,goodluck  with that?" "Yeah,yougotthatone." "[ laughter ]" "You got that right." "Â" "Okaycool." "Let 's do "Pssh" for 4." "Okay." "Chase Bank says ou have money but you can't use it until tomorrow." "[ buzzer ]" "Amir?" "Whatis,psshyou bettergive  me my $17?" "[ laughter ]" "Thereyougo ." "You know what I'm saying?" "You know what I'm saying?" "Who are you to keep my money?" "Allright,cool." "Let's do "Pssh" for 600." "Okay,Rahimwantstoborrow your bike to go to the store right quick?" "[ buzzer ]" "Mark?" "Whatispssh,noway, Jose ." "[ laughter ]" "What?" "That is close at least, right?" "Let'sjustmoveonandhear about today's prizes." "Johnny." "Thanks,Darnell." "Today's "Black Jeopardy" winner will receive the new TV by Set it There." "Flat screen TV with no stand and no wall." "Â" "You better not put a hole in my wall." "Get your whole security deposit back." "And antique furniture by" "Don't you bring that in my house." "Armoires, mirrors, and old trunks." "Is there a ghost in there?" "You'll never know, with don't bring that in my house." "Back to you." "Â" "Allright,Amir,the boardis still yours." "Okay,let'sgo for"Hadthat  been me" for 200." "Okay,hadthatbeenme,I 'd still be hitting that." "[ buzzer ]" "Amir?" "WhoisRobinThicke?" "Youdamnright." "[ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]" "Let'sdo"Hadthatbeen me"" "for 400?" "Okay." "Had that been me, I would have whooped his ass when he was young." "[ buzzer ]" "Keeley?" "WhoisJustinBieber?" "Absolutely." "Absolutely." "He ain't grown." "Heain'tgrown." ""Hadthatbeenme" for 800 ?" "Hadthatbeenme, Iwouldn't have been around them dogs in the first place." "[ buzzer ]" "Mark?" "WhoisMichaelVick?" "No." "[ laughter ]" "No." "Anybody else?" "I'msorry,Mark,wewere  looking for Sarah McLaughlin." "[ laughter ]" "Imean,comeon." "You mean Sarah McLaughlin." "Okay,fine." "Mark, the board is yours." "Okay." "Good." "Let's please go over to "White people" for 200." "Yourcall." "Okay, white people are always lying about this?" "[ buzzer ]" "Mark?" "Whatis,we don'thaveanymoney ?" "[ laughter ]" "Yes." "But the truth is we would have accepted any answer." "[ laughter ]" "Okay." "Well, great." "Let's keep going." "White people for 600 please." "Oh,I 'msorry,thereisthe final bell." "As usual we started late so we're going to go on to final" "Black Jeopardy." "Here is today's category?" "Rap songs that begins with the letter n."" "[ laughter ]" "You'll be answering that when we come back." "Watch yourself, Mark." "We'll be right back with "Black" "Jeopardy."" "[ cheers and applause ]" "♪♪" "Â" "Andthisis Mr.Patterson'soffice." "Come on, honey, I want you to meet him." "I'mkindof nervous." "You're always talking about what a genius your boss is." "You'llbefine." "But before you meet him, keep in mind he's one of the most powerful CEOs in America, he's a scratch golfer, and he has the body of a baby." "Thebodyof ababy?" "Mr.Patterson,excuseme." "Justa sec." "Got to finish these filings." "Tax season always sneaks up on me." "All right." "Philip, what can I do you for?" "Ijustwantedtointroduce you to my wife Karen." "Oh,wellletmecome over and say hi." "NoteverydayIgettosay hi  to the VP that I love the most." "[ laughter ]" "ThisisKaren." "Philip,younevertoldme your wife was so beautiful." "My,well,thankyou" "Mr. Patterson and you are also a handsome man." "[ laughter ]" "Thankyouverymuch." "Listen, I hope it doesn't embarrass you but we heard it was your birthday, so we brought you a little something." "Oh,wow,justwhatIasked for." "A box." "[ laughter ]" "SeeI toldyouhewouldlove it, honey." "Absolutely." "I absolutely love." "[ laughter ]" "Youknow,Mr.PattersonandI  actually went to college together." "He was a senior when I was a freshman." "It'strue." "We were in the same fraternity." "Doyourememberthe secrethandshake?" "Rememberit?" "I made it up." "Ready?" "Yep." "[ laughter ]" "Delta!" "Mr.Patterson,Darlene brought in a cake for your birthday." "Oh,wow,welltellDarlene thank you and my cholesterol says you're fired." "[ laughter ]" "Mmm." "Philip, Karen, you have to try this." "It's delicious." "Thankyou." "Thank you so much." "That'sreallygood." "It'sdelicious." "Andlisten,Mr.Patterson,do you mind if we talk for a second?" "Just you and me." "Sure." "What better time than now?" "[ laughter ]" "Karen,wouldyoujustgive us a moment?" "Ofcourse." "I would love to leave." "Let'shaveaseat." "Mr. Patterson, what I'm about to say to you might come as a shock." "Oh,no,I'mgettingscared." "Do you mind?" "No,gorightahead." "Allright." "Lay it on me." "Okay." "Now listen, as you know my wife is from Tulsa." "LoveTulsa." "Okay,andaftertax seasonis over I've decided to take a new job there." "Â" "What?" "I'mleaving." "No,no!" "[ laughter ]" "It'sokay." "It's okay." "Idon'tlikethisatall." "I have to think about this for a minute." "It'sokay." "Listen, think about the good times Mr. Patterson." "[ laughter ]" "It'sbeenyouand me." "Okay,enough." "You always were the funny one around here, weren't you, Philip." "I'm going to miss your jokes." "Let'sseewhatMr. Stapler has to say about that." "I'm going to miss you, too, and I love you so much." "Whatthehellare you doing?" "I'm a grown man." "Sorry,sir." "Is there any way I can make it up to you?" "Â" "Well,ifyouwouldwave that  box around just out of my reach," "I think I would like that a great deal." "Iwouldbe happyto." "Like that?" "I'mgoingto needaletterof recommendation, sir?" "Anythingyouneed." "[ cheers and applause ]" "Â" "I'vegotkidsand you know what that means?" "Spills, and lots of 'em." "Mom." "Uhoh." "Darnit." "Ispendalot ofmytime cleaning up messes so I need something that's absorbent and affordable." "So what do I reach for?" "A suit from Joseph A. Bank." "With their innovative buy one get three free pricing, a suit from Joseph A." "Bank is effectively cheaper than paper towels." "And now they come in these easy to use dispensers." "Withfoursuitsfor the price of a modest dinner, I can feel good about throwing them away when I'm done." "They're good for any job around the house." "Like pet stains, soaking up grease." "Even diapers for your little ones." "And plus, they make great kindling." "It's so flammable." "And talk about absorbent." "A regular paper towel disintegrates under liquid, but a Joseph A. Bank suit disintegrates with no liquid at all." "The only downside, keeping my husband's suit straight." "Thatone'sgotspaghettionit ." "[ laughter ]" "JosephA.Bank." "Quantity, guaranteed." "[ cheers and applause ]" "Â" "Ladiesandgentlemen," "Sam Smith." "[ applause ]" "Â" "♪♪" "♪ I guess it's true I'm not good at a one night stand but I still need love 'cause I'm just a man ♪" "♪ These nights never seem to go to plan" "I don't want you to leave will you hold my hand?" "♪" "♪ Won't you stay with me cause you're all I need this ain't love it's clear to see but, darling, stay with me ♪" "♪ Why am I so emotional?" "No, it's not a good look gain some self-control ♪" "♪ And deep down" "I know this never works but you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt ♪" "♪ Won't you stay with me?" "Cause you're all I need this ain't love it's clear to see but, darling, stay with me ♪" "♪ Whooa, oooh oooh, ooooh ♪" "♪ Won't you stay with me?" "Cause you're all I need" "Â" "This ain't love it's clear to see but, darling, stay with me ♪" "♪ Won't you stay with me?" "Cause you're all I need it ain't love it's clear to see but, darling, stay with me ♪" "♪ But, darling, stay with me but, darling, stay with me ♪" "Â [ cheering and applause ]" "Â" "ANNOUNCER:" WeekendUpdate"" "with Cecily Strong and Colin Jost." "[ cheers and applause ]" "Goodevening." "I'm Colin Jost." "I'mCecilyStrong." "And here are tonight's top stories." "Russianpresident" "Vladimir Putin on Friday called" "President Obama to discuss a solution to the crisis in Ukraine." "And both agreed to a meeting of their top diplomats." "Then Obama nearly botched it by accidentally ending the phone call with, "Love you, bye."" "PresidentObamaon Thursday met for the first time with" "Pope Francis at the Vatican where the pope gave Obama a copy of his book, "The Joy of the Gospel."" "and told him, "This is for when you're bored."" "adding, "There is weed inside."" "Areporton thebridgegate scandal which was compiled by a team picked by New Jersey governor Chris Christie was released Thursday and clears the governor of any wrongdoing." "And you can totally trust it because it was fact-checked by independent investigator," "Trish Tristie." "Georgiathisweekwillvote  on a sweeping new law that will allow guns in bars, schools, restaurants and airports." "You know, basically anywhere people get angry." "Lawmakers will have the option of voting nay or "bang, bang, bang, bang."" "Inaninterviewthisweek ." ""Duck Dynasty" star" "Willie Robertson said he'd like to take President Obama duck hunting with him." "Or as it is also known, a trap." "Â" "Itwasreportedthisweek  that male students in North Korea are being forced to have their hair cut just like Kim Jong-un." "In other words, by a blind person." "Â" "TheNCAAtournament continued tonight as both" "Florida and Wisconsin made it to the final four." "Here with his take is the always outspoken Stephen A. Smith." "[ cheers and applause ]" "Colin,itis goodtoseeyou,brother." "Hi,Stephen." "Now a lot of the experts are picking Michigan State to win it all after they beat Virginia last night." "What do you think?" "WellColin,don'tbedisrespectful." "Dick Vitale and I are good friends, but what he's saying is blasphemous." "Well,they'vegotagreat coach in Tom Izzo." "Well,Colin,it painsmeto say this because Tom Izzo is a friend of mine." "Really?" "Yes." "A dear friend." "We go to pilates class together." "Tom Izzo's picture is the wallpaper on my iPhone." "If I ever want to call him, I just ask Siri to complete me." "But Tom Izzo and the rest of the players on the Michigan State basketball team are not making it out of the first round." "Theyarealreadyintheelite eight ." "Okay,I guesswe 'llhaveto agree to disagree." "Wellsometeamshavestruggled." "Duke was a three seed and lost to Mercer in the opening round." "Do you think Coach Mike" "Krzyzewski did everything he could to prepare the team?" "Well,Colin,hatetosay this because because Duke coach" "Mike Krzyzewski is a dear, dear friend." "CoachK.is adearfriend?" "Oh,yes." "We tight." "Â" "Coach K. and I share candle-lit" "Lean Cuisine dinners on my forehead." "We call each other whenever the movie" "Sleepless in Seattle is on." "And we have to watch the rest together while talking on the phone." "Thatcan'tbe true." "It'strue." "He's a hall of fame coach." "But come tournament time," "Coach K. should be nowhere near a basketball team." "Okay." "Well a lot of people are following Kentucky's team, they just beat Louisville." "Do you think freshman Julius" "Randle could take the team all of the way?" "Colin,I 'dloveto sayyes because" "Julius and I are dear, dear friends." "Oh,comeon ." "He's 19 years old." "Iwasthenursewhen hewasborn." "I breast fed him so his single mother could hold down two jobs." "Later we backpacked across Europe together." "We were gypsies, tramps, and thieves." "We had a memorable summer together, each taking turns sharing one magical pair of pants." "[ laughter ]" "ButJuliusRandleinthe and the Kentucky" "Wildcats have no chance of winning this tournament than I do of winning a gold medal in women's figure skating." "[ laughter ]" "Fine,thenwhodoyoupredict will win the tournament?" "Whenthisstarted,Ipicked" "Wichita State to win it all." "And I'm still picking Wichita State." "A lot of experts will tell you they were eliminated from the tournament and their season is over, but I have a feeling and mark my words, that Wichita State will come back to win the entire NCAA tournament in the NBA championship." "Mark it down." "Hallelujah." "StephenS.Smith,everybody." "[ applause ]" "Anewreportshowsthat since2010 the population of New York City has grown by 380,000 people and almost a million street Elmos." "AnewStarTrekthemedbeer is being introduced called Warnog." "It is perfect for anyone who doesn't want to live long or prosper." "Itwasreportedthisweek  that with Russia's annexation of" "Crimea, the country now has control over the Ukraine navy's combat dolphin program." "Combat dolphins are the toys your grandmother bought you when you asked for ninja turtles." "Anewdatinggamehasstarted on Dutch TV called Adam Looking for Eve, in which contestants go on first dates completely naked." "It is what is known in America as Tinder." "Acatin CanadanamedSihas been named the world's shortest cat." "So better luck next time Kat Williams." "A woman in Florida filed a lawsuit against local police alleging she was forced to defecate in her front yard while they searched her house for meth." "And you'll never believe this, they found meth." "[ laughter ]" "Achemistrygradstudentin" "Nebraska is creating a new perfume he calls eu de death, which mimics the smell of decaying flesh so people can avoid being eaten by zombies." "His professor is creating a new grade he calls f-minus." "Officialswiththegolden sheers world championships, which is the Olympics of sheep sheering say they still need more than 1,000 sheep for the competition." "Otherwise it is time for plan b., cats covered in cotton balls." "For" WeekendUpdate,"I'm" "Cecily Strong." "I'mColinJost." "Good night." "Â" "SoI toldmy boyfriend, listen up, you either lose her phone number or you lose me." "Â" "Damnright." "That'sthetypicalman" "Preachthat." "Excuseme,ladies." "I'm sorry to interrupt." "Nahuh!" "Now who is this punk?" "Â" "Iwaslookingfor the" "Brooklyn Savings Bank." "Waltzin'inherelikeheown the whole street!" "It'stimeto teachthisboya lesson." "Â" "Iheardit wason- " "Oh,yeah!" "" "MontagueStreet." "♪ Mr. Big stuff" "Who?" "♪Whodo youthinkyouare" "Mr. Big Stuff?" "♪" "Areyoureferringtome?" "♪You'renevergonna get my love ♪" "Iwasn't" "♪nowbecauseyou wearall those fancy clothes ♪" "Thisis$10." "♪Andyouhavea big fine car ♪" "♪Oh,yesyou do" "Uh,no,Idon 't." "♪DoyouthinkIcan afford to give you my love?" "♪" "Oh,soyou'relikea prostitute?" "♪Youthinkyou 'rehigher than every star above ♪" "What?" "♪Mr.BigShot" "♪whodo youthink you are?" "♪" "Iaskedyoufor directions." "♪You'renevergoing to get my love" "Now, I know all the girls" "I've seen you with a few ♪" "You'retalkingabout somebody else." "♪I can'tfoolaround and get hurt by you ♪" "Youwoulddestroyme." "[ laughter ]" "♪Youmade'em cry  you made a poor girl cry ♪" "Shestartedit ." "♪Tryto keepyou happy" "Try to keep you satisfied" "Mr. Big Stuff ♪" "Whothehellare you people!" "?" "♪Whodo youthinkyouare?" "Mr. Big Stuff ♪" "Didyourehearsethis?" "♪You'renevergonna get my love ♪" "Okay,look,Ifeellike you girls are projecting a lot of your own weird issues on me." "I mean, the last thing I would consider myself is Mr. Big Stuff." "♪Youthinkyou 'resomebigshot" "No,I don't." "Yesterday I ate eggs for every single meal." "[ laughter ]" "Threefullmealsofhoteggs." "No seasoning, just eggs, okay." "♪Mr.BigStuff" "Yougirlsareawful." "♪Whodo you think you are?" "Mr. Big Stuff ♪" "Okay,holdon ." "Just stop for a second." "Listen, I'll tell you who I think I am, okay?" "You want to know who I am?" "I'ma 46-year-olddivorced bald man." "When those Prilosec commercials go on, I go, shush, I want to see this." "And I have late onset albinoism, which means I'm just now becoming an albino, okay." "[ laughter ]" "Mr.BigStuff" "No!" "Stop it!" "I'm an appropriately humble man." "I mean, this is a clip-on goatee." "I'm not even this cool." "So don't ever call me Mr. Big Stuff." "Understood?" "I am Mr. Medium Stuff at best." "Good day." "Hey,look,we 'resorry, mister, we just got a little carried away." "Yeah,I thinkyoujust remind us of some of our boyfriends and we took out our frustrations on you." "Really?" "♪♪" "You mean, I seem like somebody you girls would date?" "Yeah,sure." "Maybe." "Likemaybeallfourof you at once?" "Ohh." "Comeon,it wasajoke ." "Damn it." "♪Mr.BigStuff" "Who do you think you are?" "Mr. Big stuff ♪ [ cheering and applause ]" "Â" "Deepbreath." "And one more." "Lungs sound good." "Okay." "Howisthewife?" "Emilyisgood." "Â" "She complains that I work too much, but " "So,nochestpains,shortness of breath, nothing like that?" "No." "No, I just thought I'd get a physical." "Thisisforcholesterol check, if you can hit the lab on your way out." "Okay." "Andyou'reallset ." "Allright,thankyou ,doctor." "Thank you very much." "Hey, Doc, just to be really safe, considering my age and all, I just wondered if maybe you don't want to check to see if there is a Darth Vader action figure in my butt?" "[ laughter ]" "DoyouhaveaDarthVader  action figure in your butt?" "DoI ?" "No, I mean, why would I?" "Wellthegreatthingis,you would know." "Right." "I would know." "Totally." "Okay." "Thank you very much, doctor." "I just -- if I had one, which I don't have, there is no way I have one up there, but if I did, medically speaking, wouldn't we want to know right now so we" "could get it out of there?" "Dan,didyouput aDarth" "Vader in your butt?" "No,I 'mmarried,Doc." "You know." "Right." "Thankyou." "Thankyou." "Allright,adios,haveagoodone." "Â" "Inoticedthatyou didn'tleave." "WellI don'twanttoleave something like that to chance, right?" "I'm thinking what if -- what if " "Â" "Reggie,canIhelpyou?" "Justmopping." "You'remoppingcarpet." "Icouldn'thelpbut overhear you guys talking." "You know, if you were going to check to see if there was a" "Darth Vader action figure in somebody's butt, then it wouldn't be too much more trouble to check two?" "Reggie,didyouput aDarth" "Vader in your butt?" "Idoubtit ." "Why would I?" "You know, I'm not a freak like your patient here." "You know." "It'sokay." "Iwasjustpassingbyand heard some of what these guys said and as a doctor, I've got to say, what is the harm in checking?" "Thankyou,Dale,Icanhandle my patients on my own." "And just to make sure you're doing it correctly, you should check my butt to see if there is a Darth Vader action figure in there first." "How'sitgoingDale?" "Dan,Reg." "Let'stakecareofit." "Janet, can you hold all of my appointments?" "Sure,sure." "And hey, while you are checking those guys out, do you mind dipping into my backzone and seeing what is up?" "Janet,doyouhaveaDarth" "Vader in your butt?" "I'ma lady,buttherecould be a General Grievous." "Allright,everybody,comeonin ." "Let's get it done." "Okay,good,good." "Allright." "[ breathing ]" "Youguysareall set ." "And none of you had Darth Vader action figures in your butts." "Great." "Thankyouverymuch." "Thankssomuch." "Thankyou." "Thankyou." "It'sjustbettertoknow ." "Thanksverymuch." "Itisbettertoknow ." "♪ It's better to know" "Â" "Okay,ifthat'show you feel," "I'll have to tell that to my partner, Detective Brock." "Bye-bye, now." "Hello." "Brock,you'rehere." "Iletmyselfin." "Were you on the phone?" "Yes." "That was the brother of the jewel thief we put behind bars." "Howdidhe sound?" "Nothappy." "Ha ha ha ha." "Ha ha ha ha." "Wellherewe are,bothinourpajamas." "SoI guesswe 'rereallygoing to do this to each other, make love?" "Well,that'swhatwedidtalk about and that's why we're both in our pajamas." "WellI justfeelbad thatwe aren't married." "You'renot." "That'strue." "Wetalkedaboutthat,too, at the station." "Iguess." "Sohowshouldwestartthis?" "Shall I just remove my pajamas now?" "Idon'tknow,Brock,I'mnot sure if I'm ready to see what's under your pajamas." "Wellwetalkedaboutthat ,too." "If you're nervous, we could always do it through the pajamas." "Then you won't see much." "Oh,youmeanlike,cutholes  in them?" "Ihaveaholeinminealready." "Youdo?" "Allpajamasdo ." "Notwomen's." "Maybe we should get started on that Reynolds case." "What do you think happened to all those women who disappeared?" "Idon'twanttothinkabout  that right now." "Hey, I just found these scissors over here in this drawer." "We could use these to cut some holes in your pajamas." "Holes?" "How many holes do we need to make love?" "Â" "Howmanyholesare you okaywith ?" "[ laughter ]" "I'mgoodwithalotofholes." "WellI don'twanttocutmy pajamas up." "Isitamatterofmoney ?" "Because I'll reimburse you for the pajamas -- up to $100." "Idon'twanttobe reimbursed, I want to be romanced." "Stopchangingthesubject." "Get down on the floor with me." "Let's start to do stuff to each other." "If we need any holes, we'll make them on the fly." "I'msorry,Brock,Ijust  don't want to rush into this." "Maybe we could just have a glass of wine and talk." "Idon'tliketalkingtoyou." "[ laughter ]" "Iwantto getphysical." "Â" "I'msorry,maybeyou should just go home, Brock." "Youtoldme to comeoverhere ." "You begged me." "You said, bring your pajamas and make sure you drink a lot of pineapple juice." "Now why would you say that if you weren't going to follow through?" "Ineversaidanythingabout pineapple juice." "I don't even know what that means?" "WellI do,andIdidit." "I was planning on a very thrilling night." "Look out." "Youwillpayfor whatyoudid to my brother." "Now die!" "Â" "Outyougo ." "Done and done." "Oh, you didn't even help." "Youdidn'tlooklikeyou needed it much." "So,howarewegoingtodothis ?" "Doyoumean" "Sure." "As long as it doesn't affect our working relationship." "Oh,itwon't,Ipromise." "Okay." "Two holes." "And I get to pick where." "Iloveyou." "[ cheering and applause ]" "You'rewatchingDetectiveTV." "At nine, it's Good Cop, Jive Cop." "But first it's time for your favorite crime fighting duo." "Â" "Theyaretoughasnails." "They are serving justice." "They are unstoppable." "[ sirens ]" "They are the best cops in Chicago." "They are Dyke and Fats, starring" "Dutch Plains as Officer Les Dykawitz , and Velvy O'Malley as Officer Chubbina Fatzarelli." "They're kicking crime to the curb, and they're doing it damn well." "They are Dyke -- and Fats." "Â" "Well,itlookslikeyou've done it again, the city of" "Chicago can sleep safe tonight." "Â" "Youhearthat,Dyke?" "We done did it again." "Icouldn'thavedoneit without you, Fats." "Yeah,goodgoingDykeandFats." "Â" "Youdon'tgettocall usthat!" "Onlywegettosayit!" "Thoseareourwords!" "Ourwords." "We love each other." "We get to say it." "We're friends." "No!" "Â" "Onceagain,SamSmith." "[ applause ]" "Â" "♪ I do, yes, I do, believe" "That one day I will be where I was right there, right next to you ♪" "♪ And it's hard" "The days just seem so dark ♪" "♪ The moon and the stars are nothing without you ♪" "♪ You're touch, your skin, where" "Do I begin no words can explain the way I'm missing you ♪" "♪ The night, this" "Emptiness this hole that I'm inside these tears ♪" "♪ They tell their story" "You told me not to cry when you were gone ♪" "♪ But the feelings is" "Overwhelming, it's much too strong ♪" "♪ Can I lay by your side" "Next to you, you and make sure your alright your alright ♪" "♪ I'll take care of you and I" "Don't want to be here if" "I can't be with you tonight" "I'm reaching out to you ♪" "♪ Can you hear my call" "This hurt that I've been through, I'm missing you missing you like crazy ♪" "Â" "♪ You told me not to cry when you were gone but the feeling's overwhelming it's much too strong ♪" "♪ Can I lay by your side next to you and make sure you're all right ♪" "♪ I'll take care of you" "♪ I don't want to be" "Here if I can't be with you tonight lay me down tonight ♪" "♪ Lay me by your side" "Lay me down tonight and lay by your side can I lay by your side ♪" "♪ Next to you, you-ou [ cheering and applause ]" "Â" "What'sup,everybody,I'm" "Chris Fitzpatrick, and I'm running for ASB class president." "♪♪" "One thing I want to change is the music they play at lunch." "All I ever hear is rap music and that bubble gum boy band crap." "Christina Crapulera." "If I'm elected president, I'm going to play good ass music." "Some Verge of Consciousness," "Temporary Flawed, One Last" "Breath, and all of those bands." "And plus I know some of the guys in the band so I can probably get them to play our school." "Just because you get good grades doesn't mean that you're smart." "I'm actually really smart, but I don't do good on tests and pop quizes because I have concentration issues." "Â" "When I was in middle school I wrote 28 poems, and now since I entered high school, I've written over 60." "I want to put together a collection of my poems and then I want to sell it to everybody, but if you if you vote for me, you get a discount." "Weneedmoreclubs,maybe movie clubs where we watch good movies like Lock Stock and Kids, stuff like that." "Â" "Or maybe a guitar-based drum club or a CD club where you make" "CDs and stickers." "My girlfriend Allie doesn't go to our school because she lives in a different zoning area then Kentwood." "But if you elect me president," "Allie is allowed to go to our school." "♪♪" "Vending machines." "We need more of them." "Hell, if I'm president, I'll even spike the water fountain with vodka." "Â" "Alittlebitaboutme." "I have a dog at home." "He's part German Shepherd and his name is Sammy." "I don't like extra stuff on my hamburgers." "Just plain." "No vegetables or pickles," "I'm a simple guy." "I lost my virginity when I was 16, but had done other stuff before that." "I'm friends with black, Asians and Mexicans." "I don't see color when I look at a person." "But no offense, whites make the best music." "♪ ♪" "So vote for me for ASB class president." "And don't vote for Daniel Nguyen 'cause he's never even smoked a cigarette." "Â" "Oh,boy,heregoes." "[ knocking ]" "Dave,whatareyou doinghere ?" "Hello,Stacy,Ihave something to say." "Â" "Youknowwhat,it'stoolate, Dave." "Alright, we're through." "Justhearme outand  then I'll be out of your life forever." "Allright." "You have three minutes." "Look,beforeyoukick me to the curb, I just want you to know that I'm sorry." "I'm sorry for how I treated you." "I lied, I got jealous, I didn't put your feelings first." "Dave." "Andlook,Stacy,maybeyou'reright ." "Maybe I am crazy." "I know I'm not a perfect man." "But I don't care about any of that stuff." "I don't care who didn't do the dishes." "I don't care who said what first." "Oh,Dave." "Andifyoudon 'thear anything else I say today, if you hear nothing else, at least hear this." "Baby Jessica is still in that well and we're the only ones who can stop her." "What?" "Everyminuteshe'sinthere she's getting more and more pissed off." "Iwaslike,justaboutto drive off with you." "AllI knowis this,Iwant  you to be the last person I see before I slip into a coma and the first person I see when I get to hell." "[ laughter ]" "Soyouwantmetodiewhile you're in a coma." "Shhh-shutup." "These Stacy, these bags, this is everything I own." "I need you to hide it for me." "There's plans for a theme park to rival Disney World." "Heck, it might even rival Disneyland." "Okay,youknowwhat, they smell like calamari." "Stacy,it'snotaboutthe bags, it's not about me, it's not about you, it's about the bags." "[ laughter ]" "Stacy, sweet Stacy, you make me want to be a better man." "Whatdidyoujustsay?" "Isaidyoumakemewanttobe a better man." "Whyareyousayingitlikethat?" "It'showIsay it, Stacy." "It is how I've always said it." "Lobo Lands." "The theme park, it's called" "Lobo Lands." "It is a pet cemetery but for people." "[ laughter ]" "That'sjustacemetery." "Shhh" "Shutup ." "Look, I guess in the end I'm just a boy, looking for a girl, to ask her for $15,000." "No, no." "[ laughter ]" "Stacy, when you meet someone special, you can just look into their eyes and you just know you have something to live for." "And for me, that person is Robbie." "[ laughter ]" "Hi." "Surehemaynot bea good  man, but he has a good heart and he's still a hu-man." "So maybe I am crazy, but let me ask you this, is it crazy to love someone so much that you try to kill them?" "100%." "Wellthenlockmeup,because that is the very thing I came here to " "Shhh-shutup,okay." "Dave, you dumb psycho." "You had me at Lobo Land." "Â" "Howgoodis SamSmith,everybody?" "[ cheers and applause ]" "I want to thank Lorne for bringing me back." "I had a wonderful week." "I want to thank everybody on the floor here." "Jenna and Wally, and Phil who lights this place so beautifully." "This is a great group." "And how about this cast?" "What a great cast." "The writers are working hard and they made a great show and I'm very grateful to be here." "Thank you very much, everybody, for being here also." "Good night." "Thank you." "[ cheers and applause ]" "♪♪" "Â"