"Ever wanted to be the imaginary friend of an idiot boy in the West of Ireland?" "Me neither." "But there you go." "Allow me to introduce" "Martin Paul Kenny Dalglish Moone." "Martin Moone was a simple child." "The sort of tender boy who'd care for a poor injured chaffinch." "Or indeed a deceased chaffinch, thinking it was injured." "You'll be back on your feet in no time, Missus Magpie." "Her breathing is becoming faint." "Right." "You know what to do, buddy." "Don't be shy." "But according to school bullies, the Bonner brothers..." "Martin was just a simpleton who kissed dead birds." "Moone's shifting a dead bird!" "You're such a gay!" "No, lads!" "That's not shifting, there was no tongue there." "It's medical shifting!" "Ow!" "Stop hitting yourself." "Stop hitting yourself." "I'm just a boy!" "Game over!" "Come on." "Chin up, buddy." "You can't let a little roughhousing dampen your spirits." "Remember, tomorrow's your big day." "Things get way easier when you turn 12." "Yeah, the big one-two." "That's right." "I bet they're right in there." "Planning out your party as we speak." "I'm home." "Better hide my presents." "Mam says you were a mistake." "Not a mistake... not a mistake!" "An accident!" "Well, that's just a bad habit he'll soon get over." "Particularly with Blake going to prison." "Prison?" "What are you talking about?" "Haven't you read the Mirror?" "What about the Mirror?" "He's the front page story..." "What's that you're making?" "It's... uh... your birthday present." "Oh!" "And what's that?" "A cravat?" " And what's that?" " Oh, by the way..." "I loved that outfit when I first saw it." "I'm amazed it's lasted so many seasons." "Ow, my hand!" "I'm going down the bridge." "Can I have some money?" "Is that my nut?" "No, this is my nut." "I don't know anything about your nut." "Dad, does Mum have any cotton pads?" "Like... sanitary pads?" "Yeah, Dad." "I want to wipe off my make-up with a tampon!" "May potentially remain in captivity." "I wish I was in captivity." "Marin embraced his great new age with optimism and gay abandon." "Which he abandoned very quickly." "A biro?" "Cool." "I don't have to finish wrapping it now." "I already gave you your present." "Yes." "Yes you... did." "Ta-da!" "This better be vouchers, Fidelma." "It is." "Sort of." ""I owe you one present." "Love, Fidelma."" "I always think your birthday's in August." "So... why don't you give me what you got me in August?" "I just did." "And now for the main event." "Happy Birthday, pal." "No!" "Surely they haven't got you something decent?" "It must be a bicycle-shaped sock." "Or a bicycle-shaped toilet brush." "Or a bicycle-shaped kick in the arse." "Wow, a bicycle-shaped bicycle!" "Don't get too excited - it's only from Readybix." "Shut your hole, Sinead." "Yes!" "It's the Readybix bike!" "Thank you." "This is amazing." "But how?" "You needed fifty tokens." "Well, let's just say I hope you all like..." "Readybix." "Oh, no." "I'm not eating that turf." "Hi, Boris!" "Woah!" "The Readybix bike!" "Any chance..." "I could... have a go on it?" "Faster Martin." "Faster." "Hello, Mr Farmer!" "Hello, Mr Farmer's dog!" "Howdy, pigs!" "Hey, it's the Readybix boys!" "Give us some Readybix!" "Eat our dust, fantasy pigs!" "Oof!" "Hey, Moone." "Nice bike." "Oh, balls." "You cycled into a door?" "It just... came out of nowhere." "It's wrecked, Martin." "How many times did you cycle in to the door?" "There were two doors" "Which doors?" "Where?" "What really happened, Martin?" "This isn't the first time you've banged into things." "Do you remember you said you fell into a tree?" "That's not even possible is it?" "Well, to be honest the bike fell apart pretty easily." "There were no structural problems with that bike, Martin Moone." "Was it those Bonner boys again?" "They've been giving him a hard time at school." "Right." "Where you going?" "Nobody bullies my boy." "Except maybe Sinead." "You going to beat them up, Dad?" "I'm going to speak to their father." "If it's a pleasant chat, fine." "If not..." "So be it." "Oh, that's what I'm talking about." "Well... nothing lifts the spirits like a nice bowl of Readybix." "Shut up." "Hello, there." "Are you Mr Bonner?" "Gerry Bonner, yes indeed." "Right." "Well my name is Liam Moone..." "Hello, Lee Moone." "Hello." "Now listen." "My son goes to school with your boys and they..." "Oh no, they're awful, aren't they?" "Sorry?" "I mean I love them." "Of course I do." "But they're awful." "Let me guess now." "You'll have come over today because Connor and Jonner have done something rotten to your boy." "Am I right?" "They broke his new bicycle." "Oh!" "They're awful bullies." "I'm so sorry." "Is he OK?" "Yeah." "Well, he's a bit shaken up, yeah." "Of course he is, the poor lad." "I don't know what to do with them anymore." "I mean, you probably came over here expecting me to be some horrible angry brute who bullies his kids who in turn go out and bully other kids." "Am I right?" "Well, kinda." "Yeah." "But I'm not." "I'm a good person." "You seem like a good person." "Thank you." "You seem like a good person too." "Thank you." "God, I hate my kids." "I'm not too crazy about my own." "They're awful aren't they?" "Children." "I mean here we are." "Two decent fellas full of compassion and willingness to love and what do we get in return?" "Hassle." "See!" "You know." "Listen, there's nobody in." "Do you want to come in for cup of tea?" "I dunno." "You've the look of a man who wants a cup of tea now." "Huh?" "Alright then." "Good man." "Is that a hammer in your pocket?" "Let me guess." "You were planning to beat me to death with it, weren't you?" "I was indeed." "Bloody kids!" "Did I say tea?" "I meant gin." "Argh!" "Yes!" "Huh?" "Yeah!" "Hey buddy, how are you?" "I'm good, Dad." "How are you?" "I'm good." "How are you?" "So... how did 'hammer-time' go?" "Oh, yeah." "Those Bonner brothers." "They sound awful." "I'd steer clear of them if I were you." "Alrighty?" "Night, night, hairy-head." "I have a feeling he didn't kill them." "Not a chance." "No, I think you're out on your own with this one, buddy." "You know what you need?" "A bully protector?" "A rabid dog... or a bully protector." "There was only one man for the job." "Declan Mannion." "Feared and respected in equal measure, he was a bully's bully, and brought a degree of class and innovation to the whole bullying game." "He invented the Cambodian burn, similar to the Chinese burn." "Ow!" "But with his own unique twist." "That's my John Hancock, sucker." "Wait!" "He added an element of witchcraft to the Wet Willy." "Why is my other ear wet?" "You've been hydronated, hombre!" "Sure, he'd take your lunch money every Monday." "But he'd use that cash to bet on greyhounds." "Come on, you one-eared bitch!" "And if he won, he'd return the funds without interest every Friday." "Here you go, Padraic." "Have a nice weekend." "Authoritative but respectful tone." "Mr Mannion, could I have a word?" "What's troubling you, Moon-face?" "Well, I'm having a little bother with the Bonner Brothers." "Protection's a service I provide." "It's gonna cost you though." "Cost me what, roughly?" "A feel of your sister's boobs." "I'm sorry, what was that?" "A feel of your sister's boobs." "Should have gone with rabid dog." "Take it or leave it, Marty." "Seems fair." "We have ourselves a deal, sir." "Leave me now." "Hounds won't pick 'emselves." "One more thing." "Which sister?" "Whichever one has boobs." "You tit." "Martin had never paid much attention to his sisters' boobs before." "But on weighing up their assets he cluelessly deciphered that" "Trisha, his most violent sister, was best suited to Declan's needs." "With the dirty Declan deal in place, Martin approached his sister with his favourite bribing beverage." "Hey Trish!" "Made you a cuppa." "Tea." "Wow, that's a cool... whatever it is." "Anyhoo, I was wondering if you might do me a wee favour..." "Probably not." "What do you want?" "Well." "Silly thing." "You know the way you have boobs...?" "Put Padraic's lunch money on Patooties to win," "Codology in second, and Nickelback third." "Oh, that does not look good." "Oh, is that your banjo?" "What?" "It's such a fun instrument." "I've always wanted to have a go." "Not now, Sean." "I want to hear what Trisha says." "Who do you think you are, perv?" "Asking to feel?" "Guess what, ?" "The only part of you'll ever feel is my foot kicking you up the." "Got that?" "You little." "Alright, go on." "Sort that shit out." "Sorry about that." "Take two." "So, let's talk about my sister Sinead instead." "What are your general feelings about back acne?" "I think I'm in I..." "Oh." "Sorry, my mistake." "He loves her." "Sinead, please!" "What?" "Liam?" "You sound tense." "Oh, Gerry!" "Sorry, no, it's just..." "Kids." "Yeah." "Listen, I was just thinking that you might like to pop along to our poker group." "You free tonight?" "Tonight?" "It's a bit short notice." "Wasn't me!" "I'll be there in an hour." "Would she like that?" "No, I don't think she's into teddies." "That?" "I think she's OK on staplers." "That?" "Soup?" "Everyone likes soup." "Yeah." "I suppose..." "Great, give me your money." "I don't have any money." "But Martin knew that a little more romance might be required to win Trisha over..." "Your fire burns bright." "Like the sun, which is incredibly hot, like a fire which burns bright like the sun." "Mmm, that's beautiful." "That's beautiful Martin, maybe you could ruminate on her appearance a little more." "Read back what you've got." "I love your mousy hair." "Like a beautiful mouse." "And your pale blemished skin." "And your scent." "You smell even nicer than..." "Crisps." "Crisps." "I smell like crisps." "Nicer than crisps." "Is Declan in the special class?" "And he got you this as well." "Soup." "The thinking man's tea." "Oh wait, is this... a piss-take of love letters and stuff?" "Is he trying to be ironic or something?" "Yeah." "Obviously." "Huh." "That's kinda funny." "I suppose..." "I mean, don't get me wrong, I love being a father but" "I've given so much of myself, that I don't even recognise the parts that are left, you know?" "Like what Liam was saying about the window in his workshop." "You can fix it." "But who fixes you?" "Right." "Exactly." "And they're so fecking dirty!" "My Declan washes his feet in the toilet." "Just because he can." "Little bastard." "Well, lads, I've got to say that this little gathering has been very... cathartic." "But I have to admit something here." "I don't know how to say this, but..." "Go on, Liam." "Be Dad, not sad." "I don't actually know how to play poker." "Worry not, Liam." "None of us do." "But I thought this was...?" "I think you know what this is." "I don't even own a deck of cards." "Oh, jeez!" "Well, this is pleasant..." "Come here, ducks." "You're feeding the ducks?" "Yeah, Martin said you like feeding them." "When I was about ten." "I don't feed the ducks anymore." "Of course not." "Feck off, ducks." "What's he waiting for?" "Go on, man." "Lunge!" "Lunge!" "That's it." "Kiss her." "Kiss her good." "Shift my sister." "Deadly." "So?" "How did it go, little one?" "He kisses like a washing machine." "A washing machine?" "Oh, he's so amazing, isn't he?" "How about a proper date next?" "To the pictures?" "We'll pay." "We?" "I mean." "Us, men." "In this case, him." "What's on?" "It's about a fella called Edward." "With Scissorhands." "Like Freddie Krueger?" "Yeah, it's a sequel." "So, listen, once you've..." "You know, you'll keep your side of the bargain?" "Fear not Moone - once a tit's been cupped, I can interrupt." "Oh, and keep kissing her like a washing machine." "I think she likes that." "Sound." "I'll let you know the booby outcome anon." "Stay tarty, Marty." "Washing machine, huh?" "Moone!" "Shifting yourself now?" "Did you run out of dead sparrows?" "Stop!" "I'm too busy to fight you right now but I'll fight you tonight outside the cinema" "It's a date, Moone." "But not in a gay way." "Howdy, lads." "Ah!" "How are you, Liam?" "Did you forget your fishing rod?" "Oh, Jesus, are we actually fishing?" "Gotcha." "Get that into you." "Thanks, Gerry." "You're welcome." "Ah!" "Ah, yes, Jesus, this is nice." "Magnificent, isn't it?" "Queers!" "Connor and Jonner Bonner, get back here at..." "I'm sorry, lads." "You know, lads, I've been thinking." "Maybe we just need to put the foot down with our kids." "Oh!" "Shut up, Liam." "No, he's right." "Yeah, I mean look at us." "We're big, beautiful men." "We shouldn't let ourselves be pushed around by a bunch of stupid little kids." "Exactly." "I mean, I can't even watch my water-colouring programme cos it clashes with Dynasty." "I mean that cannot be right, can it?" "I think it's time that we stood up and took action." "Yeah." "Who's got a gun?" "Not too heavy on the eyes." "Let those puppies shine." "See here." "Make yourselves at home, lads." "Would anyone like any Readybix?" "Oh, I'd like that." "Hey, Liam, I didn't know your new friends were coming over." "Oh, yeah." "They are." "We're going to watch some water-colouring." "Oh, OK." "How was the fishing?" "Did you catch anything?" "Idiot!" "Switch over, please." "No, Dad." "Dynasty's on." "I think we'd better leave." "No, wait, lads." "This is exactly what I'm talking about." "It's foot down time." "He's right." "We're not watching Dynasty." "We're watching my water-colouring programme." "You're so brave." "Where's the remote?" "Dad, I need some money." "I'm going to the pictures." "Do I look like a bank to you?" "Kinda." "Come on, Dad." "She needs popcorn money." "Yeah, Dad." "Don't be scabby." "No!" "I won't take this anymore!" "Go on, Liam." "Look, I'm the man of the house." "Just like these fellas here." "We are the men... of... the houses..." "Stop laughing!" "Don't laugh." "Right, you're grounded." "You're all grounded." "But I'm going on a date." "No you're not." "No-one's going anywhere." "Everyone's grounded." "Mam?" "Am I grounded?" "Yes, this is a lockdown." "And so, in the absence of fights or boob feeling, Martin returned to the battleground of the schoolyard as unprotected as ever." "Hey, look lads, a new fella." "A new fella?" "Yeah, a new fella." "Hey, I'm Trevor, what's your names?" "New challenge!" "Good move!" "I give you dead leg!" "Good move!" "..." "I feel bad." "Don't beat yourself up about it, Marty." "Sure, it's really Trevor's fault." "For being you." "You are so right." "Hey, I know, I'll just cheer him up afterwards." "Nothing lifts the spirits like a nice bowl of Readybix." "You are so sweet." "Hello, there." "Are you Mr Bonner?" "Gerry Bonner, yes, indeed." "Look, I'm Trevor's dad and your two boys..." "Trevor's dad." "Come on in, we're playing Charades." "Listen, I've got a child at home crying." "I don't know how to play Charades." "None of us do." "Come on." "Right."