"Yes, I promise I'll call you as soon as I get the results." "Yes, I am aware that hospitals are a hotbed of infection." "Thank you, Manny." "A couple of weeks ago, I had a minor heart incident." "I am fine." "But just to be safe, I'm having an angiogram, which is when they inject a dye to make sure there's no blockage." "It's--it's no big deal." " We're not worried." " No." "If something were to happen, which it's not..." "Not gonna." "I would turn our bedroom into a shrine to Claire." "Wow." "And this room into a hall of magic." "Luke, please stop taking appliances apart." " I'm making something." " You're unmaking something." " 'Cause I'm giving my notice today." " Wait." "What?" "But wouldn't we rather have toast that's already buttered?" "I love that you're asking these kind of questions." "If only the springs were stronger, the toast would be catapulted into the pool of butter." "Really strong springs, like the ones in your mattress?" "You're unbelievable." "What do you mean you're quitting?" "Your manager just started letting you open and close the store." "It's boring." "And Jennifer said that I could get a job at the jewelry store." "Honey, you need to learn to stick with things." "You just got the big keys." "Where's the coffeepot?" "Oh, you mean the soon-to-be coffee bot?" " Luke!" " I need caffeine today." "You can have juice." "How late were you at that party last night?" "Oh, please." "She snuck in at 10:00 and spent all night reading under the covers with a flashlight." "Alex, what have I told you about staying out past your curfew?" " I need to do it more often." " Exactly." "You need to learn to have some fun." "You are going on that spring break trip with Nicole." " No!" "No, I can't." " Mm-hmm." "I have to study for the P.S.A.T.s." "Luke!" "Phil, talk to your children." "All right." "Everybody listen up." "Haley, you're not quitting." "You're resigning." "It sounds better." " No." "Unh-unh." " Alex, you have all of spring break to lock yourself in your room and study." "No, no, no, no, no." "And, Luke, coffee bot is a non-starter." "But I do like the idea of popcorn kernels in the pancake batter... so they self-flip." "Stop talking!" "Step away from the children." "¿Quién es el hombre más hermoso de esta casa?" "Ay, perdón, ¿quién es el otro hombre más hermoso de esta casa?" "Manny?" "Huh?" "I am telling you how handsome you are." "Oh." "Well, next time, tell me in English so I don't miss it." "You're forgetting all your Spanish." "You never practice." "Perdóname, mami, soy embarazada." "You just told me that you're pregnant." "Congratulations." "You're glowing." "Really?" "That's what you're wearing?" "Really?" "That's how you talk to your meal ticket?" "Besides, those snobs don't care what I wear, as long as I bring my checkbook." "Today I have an interview with the Dryden Academy." "It's only the most prestigious prep school around." "Their school song has 36 verses, and I know all of 'em." "Settle in." "And the reason you're not bringing him?" "He says that I make him nervous, that I care too much." "That's why I'm not even allowed to bring him to his haircuts anymore." "I never went to private school." "Hell, I never even finished college, and look at me." "That Danish I just ate cost 6 bucks." "I didn't even blink." "I've always felt out of place in public school, like a lone petunia in an onion patch." "You felt out of place?" "Let me tell you something about your prep school buddies." "When I was younger, I had a job checking coats at a country club." "These smug rich kids used to waltz in there and throw their coats at me like I was nothing." "That was before your high-tech fabrics." "They weighed a ton." "You see that scar?" "The one you got in the war?" "That's what I tell people." "I caught the scalloped edge of a Burberry duffel coat toggle." "Still not sure there isn't a piece in there." "Kids will always want to quit when things get hard if you let 'em." "This is a girl who was kicked out of college." "The least she can do is stick it out at a little" " Uh, Phil?" " Sorry." "Look, all we can do is give Haley the time to find out who she is." "Or we could save that time, and I could tell her who she is." "Let me know how that works out." "Excuse me?" "Oh, sorry, but my TV doesn't work, and you're all I've got." " I'm Norman." " Good to meet you, Norman." "What are you in for?" " Triple bypass." " Awesome." "And it sounded like you were agreeing with my parenting style, so, please, continue." "Well, I've raised three kids, and the main thing I learned is you have to let them be who they are." "Thank you, Norman." "Just because he's behind a curtain doesn't make him a wizard." "Dad, I made you this necklace." "It's good for healing." "There's no scientific evidence to back that up, dad." " I married a doctor." " I have three degrees." "Girls, where's your little brother?" "He didn't get his arm stuck in a vending machine again, did he?" "Are you getting this?" " Yes." " They sound just like our kids," " and they all got together to visit their dad..." " Mmm-hmm." "Who apparently did a pretty good job raising them." "Please." "He sounds like an old hippie." "A wise, insightful, old hippie." " Mm-hmm." " A Jeff Bridges hippie." " Hey, dad." " There he is!" "Look at that sharp suit." "Oh, my God, Luke gets huge." "You've seen this." "I wore it to Angela's wedding." "Oh, yeah." "It's just like the one I had made for my little Jonathan." "Okay, Mrs. Dunphy." " Time for your prep." " Okay." "See what happens when parents get out of the way?" "Weddings, babies, sharp suits." "You might want to wheel her by the burn unit." "She just got scorched." "Wait." "You made a suit for Jonathan?" "He's a cat." "He's a hairless stray." "He needs the suit for warmth." "You know, that thing all of your husbands eventually stop feeling for you." "I did not come here to be insulted." "I came here for dad." "Dad, I need $500." "How can you need money?" "You have four divorce settlements." "Yeah, sorry I'm not some sad, lonely exorcist." "Archivist." "I'm an archivist." "Ugh." "This arguing." "I might as well have just stayed in court." "Please be a lawyer." "Please be a lawyer." "How'd it go?" "I got probation plus time served." "Suck it!" "Well, maybe now you'll stop siphoning electricity off the grid with a meat hook." "Hey, look at me for a second." "When you die alone in your bed, Jonathan's going to eat you." "Yep." "Lily!" "Time for girls' day!" "We've always tried to make sure that" "Lily has a feminine influence in her life." "Because I'm sure it is so difficult for her to be around so much masculine energy all the time." "Yeah, and recently, uh, she's been asking a lot of questions about the female body." "And..." "Uh, we are not exactly experts, so we d--just sit on 'em." "We decided to call in the big guns." "Hola." "Hi, Gloria!" "Lily is so excited for girls' day." "Yeah, but don't keep her all afternoon." " You know how we miss her." " Mm-hmm." "Okay." "When am I going to get real boobs?" "Okay, so we'll see you whenever." "Um, uh, absolutely." "You know, just have a really great time." "Vamos, mami, vamos." "So we'll do a little shopping, we can have our pretty nails done..." "And our pretty hair." " Do you think that's fun?" " Yeah!" "And you know what the best part of having a girls' day is?" "That you can ask me anything you want." "Did you know I'm gay?" "This is lucky." "At 2:00, the school's award-winning bell players will be performing a medley of civil war drinking songs." "What do they call that?" "Unhappy hour?" "Hmm." "Interesting." "This was an all-boys academy when it was established in 1901." "Thank God they went away from that tradition, huh?" "Yeah." "I bet the place is one giant orgy now." "Jay, please." "Hey, do you want to grab a coat?" "Grab your own coat, college boy." "Uh, I meant for you." "They want us all to wear a school blazer for the tour, get the whole Dryden experience." "Right." "I-I'm sorry, buddy." "Hello, parents, perspective norsemen." "Welcome." "Our tour will begin this direction with a view of our renowned equestrian center." "It took me right back to 40 years ago-- candy-ass preppies with too many privileges." "You know what I hated most about those guys?" "They all had these little noses." "What is that?" "To your left, the world-class Campbell observatory." "Now, of course, if it's stars of the Hollywood kind that you like, our award-winning theater is just here, where this June" "Ms. Nicole Kidman will be appearing in "Picnic."" "Okay, gun to my head, maybe I was a tiny bit jealous of those guys back then, with their cars and their fancy hair products-- your brylcreems and your VO5s." "We'll now take a short break, where you're free to explore the treasures of our rare book library." "You know what was a rare book in my school library?" "One that didn't have genitals drawn all over it." "Who am I kidding?" "I wanted what those kids had then, and 40 years later, I still wanted it." "Manny, write down what they said about the library." "They're liable to ask you about that in the interview." "And get the lead out." "We don't want to miss the bell players." "Excuse me!" "But she's so young." "Do you really think that she already" "I knew when I was 5." " Everybody knew when you were 5." " Not true." "Not everyone knew until I threw myself my second 5th birthday party." "Come on, Lily is not gay." "It's probably just a phase." "Oh, my God." "Did I just say that?" "Do not tell anyone I just said that." "I got my sweater." "Can I go now?" "Here." "Yeah, sweetie." "Have a seat." "Oh." "Imagine if this was a hay bale, and she was wearing a prairie skirt." "It would be a total flashback." "Stay with us." "Um, so Gloria was telling us about something that you said." " Mm-hmm." " Something about you being gay?" "What about it?" "Okay, very aggressive." "Just saying." "Um, w-we're--we're just wondering, you know, why did you say that?" "Because I'm gay." "But why do you think you're gay, sweetie?" "We're learning about it in school." "Oh." "My friend Aldo's parents are Italian, so he's Italian." "And you and daddy are gay, so I'm gay." "First of all, adorable." "But that's not how it works." "When Aldo's talking about him being Italian, he's talking about his heritage." "Yeah, and that's a totally different thing than being gay." "See, heritage is, uh..." "Well, it's something that you're born with, and--oh, my God." "What's wrong with me?" "And with respect to your heritage, you're not gay." "You're Vietnamese." "What's that?" "Well, Vietnam is a beautiful country, and it's near China." "Uh, it--it's known for, uh..." "Its--its farms, with all of the, uh..." " Uh, water buffalos." " Water buffalo." "And... bikes." "Lily, there are bikes everywhere." " Oh!" "There are so many bikes." " So many bikes." " People are biking around." "And, uh..." " Mm-hmm." "And then--and they're wearing hats." " Hats." " They have these beautiful sun hats." "That swoop." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Can I go and play now?" " Please." "Go." "Yes." " Yes, gosh." "Would ya?" "Love for you to." "Is that all you know about her culture?" "No." "I mean, w-we're-- we're saving some of the things until she gets older to tell her about." "I-I wanna say the windmills and the tulips?" "Don't." "No wonder she has so many questions." "She doesn't know who she is." "Well, I guess we kind of dropped the ball." "Yeah." "You know what?" "Forget the pretty nails." "We are all going to a Vietnamese restaurant, and we are gonna give her a taste of her culture." "Which one is the best restaurant around here?" " I wanna say Saigon." " There's little, um..." "You know nothing." "I'll look in the Jelp." " Thank you." " You're welcome." "Hey, we should go." "Mom's gonna be here soon." "Why don't you stay and say hello?" "She'd love to see you." "Why?" "So she can tell me how to live my life?" "Yeah, I've got my probation officer for that." "We'll see her on her birthday." "When's the next important one?" "I know it's none of my business, but... is it possible that your mom doesn't want you to make certain mistakes 'cause she cares?" "Oh, my God." "You sound just like her." "Let's roll." "Haley, you are not quitting your job." "Where is this coming from?" "It's coming from the future-- your future-- and it ain't pretty." "I don't understand." "In the future, I'm not pretty?" "No, you'll hold up okay." "But this path you're on, flitting from one thing to the next, it ends in a pile of ex-husbands and nicotine fingers." " Can I talk now, dad?" " No!" "Hello?" "Alex?" "You don't have to go on that trip with Nicole." "You can study as much as you want." "Just know that I love you." "Okay." "Listen to me, Haley." "You are dangerously close to getting on a path you can't get off of." "Dad, stop yelling." "Mom, stop crying." "I know I'm not a big nerd." "Here, mom wants to talk to you." "Dad wants to talk to you." " Hello?" " Hello?" "Alex, book down, run a brush through your hair." "You're going on that trip with your friend." "What?" "Haley, I love you." "If you don't want to work in that store," "I'll help you find something you like better." "Is this reverse psychiatry?" "No, honey." "Actually, nothing is." "I just want you to be happy." "Mom, you're freaking me out." "Why is everyone screaming?" " Here!" " Here!" "This is Luke." "Why are mom and dad acting so crazy?" "I don't know, but it's creepy." "Something's going on." "Do you think it has to do with mom's heart thing?" "Like it's more serious than they're saying?" " We have to go to the hospital." " Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Okay, everybody, calm down." "Here's what we know." "Mom had to go to the hospital for a simple procedure." "Then mom and dad start calling us, acting weird." "Open your eyes, people." "They've been kidnapped." "Well, now that the tour's over, we can probably take these off." "I don't see the rush." "And you gotta be mentally sharp for your interview." "How you feeling?" "Pretty good." "You know, parents are allowed to sit in, but if you don't feel like it..." "Are you kidding me?" "I wouldn't miss it." "This is where it all starts." "Sure seems like you've come around on this place, Jay." "How could I not?" "This place is unbelievable." "I'm already picturing those jerks at the club seeing my son walk in wearing a Dryden jacket." "Manny Delgado?" "I-I guess what I'm trying to say is," "I like books for reading them." "You care to elaborate?" "Indeed." "Did you ever see one of those slow-motion movies where they destroy an old casino, and it just implodes?" "That." "So who are your favorite authors?" "That's a long list." "I'd probably have to start with..." "Go ahead." "Hard as you can." " Mmm!" "So good." " Mmm!" "Mmm!" " I want a cheeseburger." " But this is a special soup called pho." "You told me not to say that word." "It is delicious." "This is the food of your people." "Can I get you anything else?" "Actually, um, we're just trying to teach our daughter about your country." "And as I'm saying that, I'm hoping you're from Vietnam." "I was born there." "Uh, so was Lily." "Oh." "It's a beautiful country." "Um, my family still lives there." "I hate Vietnam!" "Lily, honey, we don't hate." "I hate Vietnam." "Okay, um, we need just a second." "Lily, that was rude." "I wanna go home." "No." "It's important that you celebrate the culture of your ancestors." "You are Vietnamese." "No, I'm not." "I'm gay!" "I'm gay!" "Honey, no, you're not gay." "You are just confused." "Oh, my God." "What is wrong with me?" "It's like I..." "Oh, please." "We have tons of lesbian friends." "Odd that you would reference our friends and not us." " I know." "I know." " Also gay." " We should just go." " No, nobody's going anywhere until she finishes the whole soup!" "No, Gloria, it's fine." " We don't wanna push her." " No, no, no, it's not fine." "That's the problem with this country." "Nobody cares where they come from." "They just want cheeseburgers and prep school, and they have forgotten about Colombia!" "Okay, I can't help but feel that maybe you're bringing something to the table that's possibly, uh, not at all about Lily." "I think you're right." "It's just that I feel like I'm losing my children to America." "They're just going to grow up and become boring old white people." "Uh, most of our friends are white, actually." "Uh... okay, can everybody just calm down and go back to their own conversations?" "Just... thank you." "Hey." "Hey, what's going on with you?" "Manny has forgotten most of his Spanish, and Joe--I'm sure he's not even going to learn it." "I know this is silly, but I just don't like feeling like I'm so different from the rest of my family." "Oh, honey." " It feels so lonely, yes." " Oh, wait just a second." "Lily, is that why you want to be gay, to be more like your daddies?" "Oh, honey." "No, the three of us are a family even though we come from different places." "You know, you were born in Vietnam, and I grew up in a city, and even though he never talks about it, your daddy grew up on a farm." "Yeah." "The point is, is that we're a family because we love each other." " Okay." " And you know what?" "You just caused a scene in a restaurant..." "And you can't get any more like your daddies than that." "Maybe I'll just take Manny and Joe to Colombia this summer." "I think that's a great idea." "I really think that keeping in touch with your heritage only enriches our culture." "Absolutely." "I think we would all be better off if people would go back to where they came from." "I..." " I'll pull the car around." " Yes." "All I can think about are the good times I had with mom." "Who's gonna walk me down the aisle?" "Stop spinning out." "There's no point in imagining some horrible future." "Hey." " Hey, buddy." " Hi." " You made it." " Mm-hmm." "You're in heaven." " That's not funny." " Okay." "Knock, knock." "Don't bother." "She's not in the mood for jokes." "Your results are great." "Minimal plaque." "Your heart is strong." "Oh." "Thank you." "That's such good news." "Well, keep taking your medication," " you'll outlive all of us." " Thanks." "Honey, you nailed it." "You weren't worried, were you?" "No." "Mm." "Me, neither." "I wasn't done with that." "Me, neither." "God, do you soak your hair in cigarettes?" "Do you wash your clothes in tears?" "I have to get home." "My roommate needs these shoes." "Weirdos." "Luke, don't be so mean." "I can't take it today." "I may be your sort of mom now..." "And I'm practically a child myself." "Okay, let's calm down." "Mom could be fine." "Oh, come on." "They wouldn't be freaking out if they were fine." "Right, 'cause mom and dad never freak out over nothing." "They don't." "They're perfect." "Remember the time when dad was switching jobs, and mom threw away all of our junk food?" "That was completely different." "No, no, actually, it's not." "They don't know how to deal with their stuff, so they obsess over us." "Maybe that's all this is, right?" "I can't believe how relieved I am." "Me, too." "I'm just texting the kids." "It's like at a certain age, "it's probably nothing"" "becomes "it's probably nothing."" "Like they add italics at 40." " Well, the good news is..." " Mmm." "These situations just bring us closer and closer together." "By the way, you did a great job of keeping your cool." "Well, I didn't want to scare the kids." "You did a pretty good job yourself." "Thanks." "I have a secret." "What's that?" "We're pretty good at this parenting thing." "I think we are." "Kiss me." "I'm gonna try." ""Mom OK"?" "!" "You guys are the worst parents ever." "It's the same every time!" "One of you guys goes through something stressful, and instead of dealing with it, you freak out on us." ""Quit your job," "don't quit your job"?" ""Read more," "read less"?" "Be better at being adults!" "Come on, Luke." "Let's go!" "You're not my mom anymore, but okay!" "Save the judgey looks for another 15 years." "What the hell happened in there?" "I don't know." "I've never choked like that before." "You think it's a definite no?" "Well, you pointed to a picture of the dean's son and asked when she's due." "Right." "Sorry I let you down, Jay." "Me?" "I saw how much it meant to you." "It's like I was on the football field." "You were up in the stands, all proud of me, rooting me on." "I'm not used to that." "I just whiffed." "That's not even the right sport." "Why am I trying to blame you?" "Probably 'cause you should be." "Sit down." "I think I put some stuff on you that..." "Is about some guys 40 years ago with tiny noses and perfect hair." "You're losing me." "There's only thing I want you to understand." "If today was the first time you've felt that I was proud of you, then I should be apologizing, 'cause I'm proud of you every day." "Thanks, Jay." "Let's go." "Did I really bet him" "I could fit his whole cell phone in my mouth?" "Forget about that guy." "You're never gonna see him again." "I'm not sure about that." "Wait here." " Kernels in?" " Check." " On the right side only?" " Check." "You know this is the last of our batter, right?" "Our backs are against the wall." "Last chance at mastering the self-flipping pancake." "You mean "popcake."" "I was thinking "flipjack."" "Oh, of course!" "It's okay." "Okay." "This is the one." "I feel it." "If this works, centuries from now, someone's gonna dig one of these things up and wonder what the heck it is." "5... 4... 3... 2..." "Flip!" "Flip, damn you!" " It's over." " No, it's not!" " It's over!" "It's all right." "We left it all out there on the griddle." "We live to fight another day." "Yeah." "I guess." "I can't believe we wasted all that batter." "Ah, I guess you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs." "Am I right?" "Or can we?" "To the grocery store!"