"MR KHAN:" "Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan." "They all know me." "You like my suit?" "Number one, Citizen Khan." "TANNOY:" "Flight 262 has now landed." "Please collect your baggage from the carousel number two." "Any unattended baggage will be removed or destroyed." "Come on, hurry up." "Our bags are here." "Dad!" "Quick!" "That one's mine!" "(HE SIGHS)" "And that one!" "And that one!" " And that one!" " Oh!" "You know the problem with this family?" "Too much excess baggage." " It's all my wedding stuff, Dad." " I wasn't talking about that." "Why do you need so much stuff?" "It's her wedding!" "Her big day." "Everyone will be there." "All my friends, all my family." "We've just seen most of your family back in Pakistan, and ruddy useless they turned out to be!" " Oh, there's Naani's trunk." " (HE GRUNTS) Ripped By mstoll" " (LOUD THUD) - (HE GROANS)" "I would have thought one of them would offer to contribute to the wedding costs." "But, oh, no." "All they gave us to bring back was her and her blooming trunk." "I don't think you can blame her, Papaji." "Yeah, it's not Naani's fault she's got no money." "Er... no, because that's not Naani." "(SHE SPEAKS URDU)" "(SHE SPEAKS URDU)" " Oh, my God!" " Where's Naani?" " I thought you put her in the chair." " She must still be on the plane." "BOTH:" "Oh, my God!" "Chillax." "We'll just tell someone and they'll go and collect her." "You'd better hurry up." "It's leaving for Mogadishu in five minutes." "Right." "Oi!" " Sir!" " Huh?" "Sir!" "Sir!" "Sir!" "Please!" "You can't go down there!" "It's OK!" "I'm Mr Khan, community leader!" "They all know me!" "Aaargh!" "(LOUD THUD)" "(HE GRUNTS)" "Oh, no." "Ugh!" "Oh, twadi." "Well?" " They said the flight's already gone." " Oh!" "Naani's on her way to Mogadishu!" " With Dad!" " (SHE SNORTS) Brilliant." "Hai." " Naani!" " Haan." " Where have you been?" " Toilet." "And Accessorize." "MR KHAN:" "Oh, twadi!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "There she is!" " Hello, Papaji!" " Hello, beti." "Look, I got the new call-to-prayer app on my phone." "(CALL TO PRAYER)" "(CALL TO PRAYER STOPS)" "Good, eh?" "And it lets you pause Angry Birdswhile you pray." "(BELL TINKLES)" "OK, OK!" "I gave her a bell." "Oh, so she doesn't get lost again." "Ah." "Plus it stops her killing the sparrows." "(HE GRUNTS)" "Custard creamies?" "Chillax, Cookie Monster!" "I haven't got any." "Eat your fish fingers." "What do you think of this?" "Silver Beech Homes." "Secure accommodation for the elderly and infirm." "Looks all right." "Will they take you, though?" "It's not for me." "It's for Naani." "Naani's going to stay in a home?" "Oh, yes!" "Thank you, God!" "I knew you were on my side." "Mr Khan and God, one." "Naani, nil." "Now I'm working at the supermarket, I won't be able to be with her all the time." "We've got to think what's best for her." "Exactly." "I'm only thinking of her." " I think she'll be happier there." " Of course she will!" "Look, they got bingo!" "You like bingo, don't you?" "And day trips." "It's like wrinkly Butlins." "I know it's not the way we usually do things in our culture..." "Sweetie, we Pakistanis need to adopt British values, one of them being dump your old peoples in a nice home till Christmas, isn't it?" "What do they do in Pakistan?" "Alia, beti, in our culture, when a person becomes too old and frail to look after themselves, we bring them in and give them food and warmth, then take them up to the hills and leave them for the dogs and crows." "It's nature's way." "You've been going to the daycentre there, haven't you?" "They're all really nice." "The manager, Sam, has taken a real shine to her." "Sam is my friend." "See, it's perfect." "They already know her, so it won't be a nasty shock to them." "(SHE GROWLS)" "Oh, I'll miss her." "Me too." "I know, beti." "We'll all miss her." "But we have to respect Naani's wishes, however sad that makes us feel." "(HE SINGS A HAPPY TUNE)" "Doesn't he look smart, Dad?" "Yes, Shazia." "Although looks can be deceptive." "I've been accepted on a PCSO training course." "Oh, you're a hobby bobby." "A community support officer." "I've got a utility belt." "Very nice." "You know you're not supposed to eat samosas." "You know what they do to you." "Besides, they're for Mrs Qureshi." "What?" "Mad old lady lives across the road?" "Cat always pooping in our garden?" " She's in hospital." " Great!" "In a sad way." "Mum, this could be a nice wedding outfit." "I thought you already had your wedding outfit." "Yeah, that's the Pakistani one." "Now I need to get the English one." "All these outfits!" "How many weddings are we having?" "One!" "A great big Pakistani wedding!" "Yeah, but I also want it to have a modern British element." "Of course!" "But the Pakistani wedding is the main one." "Actually, Mum, we were thinking we could have like a joint ceremony, combining elements of both cultures." "And then we'll have the big Pakistani one." "No, there'll only be one ceremony." " Before the big Pakistani one." " No..." " After the big Pakistani one." " No..." "Big Pakistani wedding!" "Shall we talk about it later, yeah?" "Thing is, Dad, it's a lot of money." "We've got to make sure we spend it right." "Don't look at me." "I wanted a conservatory." "Thank God we only have to go through this once." "What about Alia?" "Don't be ridiculous, Amjad." "Alia is devoted to her studies." "She's not interested in boys." "I'll sneak out and see you later, yeah?" " Who was that, sweetie?" " The imam, Papaji." "He's giving me tuition over the internet." "Oh!" "What a girl." "You see, Amjad, this is what a loving, caring father works hard for." "One daughter doing well at school, other daughter getting married, and mother-in-law being taken into residential care." "Life doesn't get better than that." "(KNOCKING)" "Salman-l-like-him, Mr Khan." "Hello, Keith." "Lovely to see you!" "Welcome back!" "How was Pakistan?" "Oh, just like Birmingham, but less Pakistanis." "Well, don't just stand there." "Come in!" "You seem in a good mood today." "I'm in a wonderful mood." "Naani's going into a home!" "Oh, right." "You want to be careful of those places." "Always touching you for money, they are." " Are they?" " My granny went into a care home." "They made her set up a direct debit to pay for theatre trips and so on." "Emptied her bank account." "By the time she died, she didn't have a penny to her name." "But she did know all the words to Miss Saigon." "Well, Naani's skint." "They can touch her all they like." "All they're going to get is shingles and a bit of athlete's foot." "Right." "Now, the reason I came round..." "Yes, thank you." "OK." "Bye-bye!" " (DOORBELL RINGS)" " Ooh." "(HE HUMS TUNE)" " Mr Khan?" " Yes?" "My name's Sam, Sam Wallis, from the Silver Beech Care Home." "Oh!" "You're here!" "Come, come!" "Come, come, come." "Come here!" "(HE CHUCKLES)" "Naani!" "The nice woman's here to take you away!" " I've not come to take her away." " Not today." "But soon, though, eh?" " In the fullness of time." " Couple of weeks?" " It's hard to say." " A month?" "Well, I'll take her away when she's ready." "Right." "But you will take her?" "Er... yes." "Allahu akbar!" "I owe you big time!" " Sam!" " Hi, Sam." "Oh, hello." "Right, she's through there." "Don't worry, she doesn't bite, unless she's got her teeth in." " I'll take her through, Dad." " (HE SIGHS)" "Oh, she's nice, isn't she?" "Nice?" "She's taking Naani away." "She's a gift from God!" "When are you going to take Naani's trunk upstairs?" "After I've eaten." "No samosas." "Just take her trunk upstairs." "But it's too heavy." "I'll have to take some stuff out of it first." "No!" "You can't go into Naani's trunk." "It's private!" " But it's..." " I said don't go in there." "But it weighs a tonne." "What's she brought back with her?" "Half a dozen illegal immigrants?" "Amjad can help you." "You don't mind, do you, beta?" " No." " There you are, then." "Thanks, Officer Dibble(!" ")" "We are here to serve." " (STAIRS CREAK)" " MR KHAN:" "Mind the banister!" "AMJAD:" "Sorry, sir." "MR KHAN:" "Got it." "Here we are." "Come on!" "Just a few more steps." "I can't hold it any longer, sir!" "My head really hurts!" "We just need to find a place to put it." " (THUD)" " AMJAD:" "Oh!" " Sorry, sir." " Amjad!" "God!" "Look at all this rubbish." "What is... what is..." "God!" "Eh?" "Oh, God!" "Ugh!" "(HE GROWLS)" "Hold on." "What's that?" "We should put it back." "It's probably private." "Mrs Khan said not to look in the trunk." "Mrs Khan said we should let Shazia choose her own husband and look where that got us." "Oh, my God!" "I knew it!" "Oh!" "Is Mrs Khan the secret daughter of a Maharajah, which means Shazia's an actual real-life princess?" "No." "Oh, right." "What is it, then?" "It's Naani." "The old bat is worth £25,000!" " ALIA:" "Papaji!" " Oh, God." "Put this away." "Quick, quick, quick, quick." "Hello, beti." "We just brought the trunk up." "Naani wants me to bring her something." "Why does she want that?" "!" "I mean... why does she want that?" "Dunno." "I think she wants to show it to Sam." "Oh, twadi!" " Where's Naani?" " Dad!" "What have you done to Amjad?" "Never mind that." "We need to keep Naani away from that Sam woman." "Don't be silly." "She's a godsend." "You said it yourself." "They get on really well." "Naani loves her." "Of course she loves her." "That's how it works." "They lure them in with bingo and boiled sweets." "What are you talking about?" "Can't you see what's happening?" "She's after Naani's money!" "What money?" "Naani doesn't have any money." "Yes, she has." "There was a letter in her... (HE CLEARS THROAT)" "There was a letter in her what?" "Nothing." "Nowhere." "She hasn't got a letter." "What about that one we saw?" "Remember?" "The one you opened..." "All I'm saying is we have to be careful." "What if she's one of those evil con artists who preys on old, vulnerable ladies, like Fiona Bruce on The Antiques Roadshow?" "Come on, Shazia." "Your father's gone mad again." " Wait!" "Where are you going?" " Shopping." "Stop!" "Oh, hi." " Would you like a cup of tea as well?" " What?" "No." " What about a samosa?" " But they're for Mrs Qureshi!" "Oh." "Mrs Khan said it was OK." "Sam can have!" "What is mine is yours." "Oh!" "Now, look, she's not going into a home after all." "We've changed our minds." " Oh?" " No, we haven't!" "Chup." "She's not ready." "We have other plans." "You're not putting me out to crow!" "Of course not." "You must do whatever you want to do." "I want to come with you." " But..." " That's what you'll do, then." "Now, I just need to get you to fill out this form." "Form?" "What form?" "Oh, it's nothing." "It's just something we need off all our clients." " Let me see." " Erm... it's private." "Look, she's not signing anything!" "You're not signing anything!" "I'm sure she can make her own mind up." "Erm... shall we go into the other room?" "Haan." "You're right." " I don't need to see a form." " Mm." "It's none of my business, really." "Oh, my God, there's a vulture on the clothes line!" "What?" "What?" "!" "I tell you what." "You stay here and watch the birds." "We'll go and fill in this form, and I'm going to have another samosa." "Heh!" "Come on, come on." "Come on, hurry up." "What's going on, sir?" "Take all your clothes off." "What?" "We can't do it with your clothes on, can we?" "I suppose not." "Can I still marry Shazia afterwards?" " What are you talking about?" " What are youtalking about?" "My plan to prove what that Sam woman is really up to!" "Oh, right." "She's trying to get Naani to sign a form to give away all her money!" "We should tell Mrs Khan!" "Oh, right, we can't, cos she doesn't know about the money." "We should tell her about the money!" "Oh, right, we can't, cos we're not supposed to know about it." "We should make a plan!" "Oh, right, you said that already." "What if there was an even older lady with even more money?" " Which old lady?" " Mrs Qureshi across the road." "But she's in the hospital." "Or is she?" "No." " Amjad!" " Please, sir, don't make me." "Amjad!" "This is our family inheritance we're talking about!" "This money could help provide for your future, or pay for your wedding, or my conservatory." "But, sir..." "Amjad, you love Shazia, don't you?" " You want to be a good husband?" " Yes." "Then stop moaning and dress up as a woman." "No, I won't do it." "Right, fine." "But we have to get our hands on this form somehow." " Which form?" " The direct debit form!" "OK, I've got another plan, but if this doesn't work, it's bra and panties time!" "Sorry, sir." "Hello." "We..." "I was wondering whether you'd like a cup of tea to go with the cup of tea that you already seem to be drinking." "SAM:" "I think we're all right, thanks." "Would you like to see my utility belt?" "Sorry?" "It's very interesting." "It's got lots of useful things on it." "OK." "Er... ha-ha." "The form!" "(GRUNTS)" "(MR KHAN GRUNTS)" "AMJAD:" "It's a standard issue flashlight." "It has two beam strengths, on and off." "Fab." "But I really need to talk to Naani about something in private now, so, um..." "AMJAD:" "OK." "Is he all right?" "Huh!" "Marrying granddaughter." "Tssh!" "Oh." "He's sweet." "Not like that son-in-law." "He's a strange one, isn't he?" "Total bewakoof!" "(THEY LAUGH)" "(HE GRUNTS)" "Did you just see..." "Did that trolley just jump?" " (MOBILE PLAYS CALL TO PRAYER)" " MR KHAN:" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" " Mr Khan?" " Shh!" "I'm praying." " Really?" " Yes." "It's mobile prayer trolley, latest thing." "Actually, could you point me towards Mecca?" "Thank you." " Hi, Papaji." " Hello, beti." "Where's that Sam woman?" "In the kitchen, washing up the tea cups." "Then she's taking Naani to the daycentre." "That's what she thinks." "See you later, Naanijaan!" " What are you doing, idiot?" " Chup." "You're not going anywhere." " And I'll look after that." " Give me that back!" "I'm doing this for you!" " Idiot!" "Bewakoof!" " Come on." " (SHE PROTESTS)" " Come on, it's for your own good." " In you go!" " (SHE SHOUTS)" "Idiot!" "You'll thank me later!" "Salaam alaikum." "(HAWKS NOISILY)" "Oh, hello." "I'm sorry about earlier." "I was just a bit emotional, you know, about putting my mother-in-law into a home." "Well, it's understandable." "It's a big decision, but I'm sure she'll be very happy there." "Of course." "And there's someone else who wants to talk to you about your scam..." "Your scheme." "Your home." " Er... who's that?" " Mrs Qureshi from across the road." "Right." "Er... where is she, then?" "Here she is." "Say hello!" "She's a poor old Pakistani lady, all alone in the world, with just her vast savings for comfort." "Oh, there's lots of ladies like you there." "I doubt that." "So, is there some sort of form we need to fill in?" "Oh, there's no rush." "Oh, there is." "She's very keen, aren't you?" "Oh, well, I suppose I could." "Yeah." "Erm... right, then." "OK." "Here we go." "Great." "I tell you what." "Give it to me and I'll fill it in for her." "Oh, I'm sure she can do it by herself." "No, she can't." "Terrible education, you see." "Oh." "Pakistan?" "No, Sparkhill." "Well, I'm sure she can speak a bit of English." "I tell you what, you tell me and I'll put it down." " No!" " Er... why not?" "It's the accent." "Er... it's a bit difficult to understand." "It's OK, I can manage." "I'm used to listening to a lot of Asian ladies." "I wasn't talking about hers." "Oh, I see." "You just don't want women to speak for themselves." "No, I don't want this woman to speak for herself." "Right." "Last name?" "Qureshi!" "Qureshi." "Er... first name?" "Ah..." "Mm." "What's your first name, sweetheart?" "Amjad." " MRS KHAN:" "We're back!" " (DOOR SLAMS)" "Oh, hello, darling!" " What's going on?" " Ha-ha." "Sam's just filling in a form for Mrs Qureshi!" "Mrs Qureshi?" "Yes, you know, Mrs Qureshi from across the road?" "You mean this Mrs Qureshi?" "Oh, twadi!" "They discharged her so we gave her a lift home." "Er... so, if that's..." "Impostor!" "How dare you wheedle your way into our home?" "!" "Who the hell is this?" "Oh, my God!" "She's wearing my wedding outfit!" "Oh, no." "Amjad?" "Is that you?" "Hello, ladhoo." "But, Shazia, I didn't know!" "It's my wedding outfit, budhoo." "You're not even supposed to see it, never mind wear it!" "Sorry." "It's very nice, though." "Well, I can't wear it now, can I?" "It's ruined." "Amjad, what were you thinking?" "Yes, Amjad." "What were you thinking?" "You said I had to wear something that made me look rich and mental." "This was all I could find." "Could somebody tell me what's going on?" "She's trying to get her hands on Naani's assets!" " What?" " I beg your pardon?" "Don't try and deny it, Fiona Brucie." "I know your type, preying on old, vulnerable ladies." "Are you mad?" "Sam's a saint." "She's spent her whole life caring for people." "It's true, Papaji." "I Googled her." "She's got an MBE and everything." "Well, what about the form and the direct debits?" "(SCOFFS)" "It's a medical insurance form and this is your Naani's." "All our guests have to list their medical conditions before they come and stay with us." "It's the law." "Hai!" "I thought only sheep got that one." "I..." "I think I must be going." "I think..." " No, please, don't!" " Let her go." "Locking old people away in tiny rooms and stealing their life savings." "I'm only thinking of Naani." "Where is Naani?" "Oh." "I locked her in the cupboard at the bottom of the stairs!" "Oh, my God!" "(THEY GASP)" "Oh, Naani!" "Are you OK?" "Haan." "Yes, Naani, are you OK?" "Oh!" "I should report you to social services." "I gave her a biscuit, didn't I?" "What the hell are you playing at?" "I'm just trying to protect Naani's money." "She hasn't got any money!" "Right." "I'm going to tell you the truth." "I've done something very shameful." "I told you not to eat the samosas." "Not the samosas!" "I looked inside Naani's trunk." "I found this." "It says she's worth thousands!" " Naani?" "Is this true?" " Haan." "You see?" "And all I was trying to do was keep it safe so no-one else could get their grubby paws on it." "You, give Naani back her letter." "But, sweetie, it is a lot of money, and it is your inheritance we're talking about." "But it's not mine, is it?" "It's Naani's." "And we have no right to expect it." "And anyway, Naani's already given me everything I could ever need." "I want nothing more from her." "Not even a conservatory?" "Dad!" "All right, OK." "Here, Naanijaan." "It's your money and you should be able to do whatever you want with it." "What do you want to do with it, Naani?" "I want to give to you." "Two-nil!" "No, Naani, you mustn't." "Let me do this." "It will make me very happy, huh?" "OK." "It's 25,000..." "Told you." "...rupees." "What?" "25,000 rupees." "Oh, Naani!" "Thank you!" "What's that in pounds?" " About 150." " Oh." "That's enough to pay for the deposit on that wedding outfit." "Come on!" "We can still get there before the shops shut." " Sam, come with us!" " Oh!" "Come on, Mrs Qureshi." "You can help me choose." "And you can stay here and look after Naani and the other Mrs Qureshi." "And, by the way, she hasn't got any money, either." "But I do have a penny I need to spend." "Wonderful(!" ")" "Is it a 1p or a 2p?" "Ripped By mstoll"