"nextonc-span,onFriday," "President obama was in seoul," "South korea, for the annual g-20" "Conference where he met" "Privately with chinese president" "Hu jintao." "goodafternoon." "Thank you." "Earlier today representatives of The world's 20 largest economies" "Concluded the full session of The annual g-20 conference." "After which president hu and I Were able to meet privately." "We had an extraordinarily frank And wide-ranging discussion on a" "Variety of topics from trade Practices to currency" "Devaluation to labor standards To global climate change." "I left convinced that relations Between the United States and" "China remain strong and will Only grow stronger." "President hu." "translator:" "Thankyou, President obama." "President obama is absolutely Correct." "In our meeting, we spoke Candidly about a wide array of Issues." "Everything under the sun." "No topic was off limits." "You name it, we covered it." "In fact -- and correct me if I'm Wrong -- the only thing we" "Didn't talk about is the matter" "Of your country owing china a" "Great deal of money." "How about $800 billion, Actually." "Strangely, that is the one" "Subject we did not discuss." "theUnitedStatesiswell" "Aware of its debt to china." "translator:" "I keptwaiting" "For you to bring it up." "And when you didn't, I thought" "To myself, did he already pay us" "Back and I just forgot?" "Or perhaps the money arrived" "After I left for this Conference." "But I checked with my office, And they haven't received it." "aspresidenthu willrecall," "We discussed this issue a year Ago." "As I said at the time, the" "United states fully intends to Honor its debt." "translator:" "Sodidyou bring The check?" "Ipromiseyouyou 'regoingto Get your money." "allright." "Then that's good enough for me." "But say, do you mind if we turn" "Off the lights?" "I'msorry,Idonot" "Understand." "Iliketo havethe lightsoff" "When someone is doing sex to me!" "please,mr." "President." "Let's not have this again." "Obviously, it's no secret that" "My country's recovery from the" "Recession has been slower than" "Expected." "translator:" "Weknowall about" "Your economic problems." "That's why we were so surprised" "To see you embark on this" "Ten-day vacation to asia." "That is costing $200 million a" "Day." "now,holdon ." "I don't know where you heard" "That, but this trip is not" "Costing $200 million a day." "that'snotwhatglennbeck" "Says." "again,letme be clear." "Glenn beck has no idea what he's" "Talking about." "translator:" "Hewasright" "About buying gold." "Ithinkwe 'regettingoff the" "Subject." "translator:" "Mygovernment" "Should have bought gold." "Unfortunately, all our assets" "Were tied up in u.S. Treasury" "Bills." "Iknow." "translator:" "I understandyour" "Next stop is japan?" "that'sright." "We leave for tokyo tonight." "translator:" "Pleasetellme" "You don't owe them money, too." "uh,mr." "President,mycountry" "Will repay all its foreign" "Vittwi" "Creditors." "translator:" "Okay." "That's all I needed to hear." "I'm not worried anymore." "But just do me one favor." "Would you gently bite the back" "Of my neck?" "please,there'sreallyno" "Need for this." "translator:" "I 'lltellyouwhy" "I ask." "I like to have my neck bitten" "When someone is doing sex to me!" "[ laughter ] please,mr." "President." "translator:" "Tellme ,whenyou" "Finish this trip and do finally" "Get back to america, exactly how" "Do you plan to restore your" "Nation's economy so we can get" "Our money?" "asI 'vesaidmanytimes,the" "Solution to my country's" "Economic problems lies in the" "New green economy." "Good, high-paying green jobs are" "The answer." "translator:" "Greenjobs." "yes." "Green jobs." "translator:" "Haveyoubyany" "Chance mistaken me for miss" "Universe?" "I'msorry?" "translator:" "Haveyoumistaken" "Me for miss universe?" "ofcoursenot." "translator:" "Thenwhydoyou" "Insist on doing sex to me as if" "I were miss universe?" "mr." "President,onceagain," "There is really no need." "translator:" "Youknow,ata" "Certain point, it's not even" "About the $800 billion." "It's more the lack of respect." "mr." "President,don'tdothis ." "translator:" "Goahead." "Be as rough as you like." "I'maskingyoutostop ." "translator:" "Youcanpullmy" "Hair or choke me, too." "I don't care anymore." "I just want it to be over." "mr." "President,pleasestop." "I beg of you." "translator:" "Verywell." "We can continue this later." "In the meantime, live from new" "York, it's Saturday night!" "Night live"!" "With " "With fred armisen" "Abby elliott" "Bill hader" "Seth meyers" "Bobby moynihan" "Andy samberg" "Jason sudeikis" "Kenan thompson" "Kristen wiig" "Featuring vanessa bayer" "Paul brittain" "Taran killiam" "Nasim pedrad" "Jay pharaoh" "Musical guest arcade fire." "And your host," "Scarlett johansson." "Ladies and gentlemen," "Scarlett johansson!" "Captions paid for by nbc-universal television thankyou." "Thank you." "Thank you." "It is great to be hosting" ""Saturday night live" for a" "Third time." "It's an exciting time for me." "The movie "due date" opened last Week." "[ cheers and applause ]" "I'm not in it, but I'm excited" "About it." "I don't have any movies out" "Right now, so you may not have" "Seen me in a while because when" "I'm not promoting something, I" "Try to stay out of the tabloids." "I mean, I'm not perfect, but I" "Found there were a few simple" "Ways for a young celebrity to" "Keep a low profile." "Like for starters, wear" "Underwear." "I mean, why wouldn't you?" "It takes seconds to put on, and" "It's comfortable." "Underwear." "It's your friend." "Another way to keep cameras out" "Of your life, do not have a show" "Where you're followed around by" "Cameras." "That's an easy one." "And if you make a sex tape, you" "Are not allowed to act surprised" "When it ends up on the internet." "Sex tapes are like take-out soup" "Containers." "They always leak." "[ laughter ]" "If you're desperate to watch" "Yourself have sex, use a mirror." "They're like cameras that" "Forget." "[ laughter ]" "Which makes me wonder, why can't" "Celebrities keep it together" "These days?" "You know, it reminds me of a" "Song from the musical," ""chicago."" "I should sing it for you" "Sometime." "Oh, what the hell, I'll do it" "Now." "♪" "♪ whatever happened to" "Please may I" "And yes thank you" "And how charming ♪" "♪ now every son of a bitch" "Is a snake in the grass" "Whatever happened to class ♪ hey,scarlett." "oh,it'slindsaylohan's" "Mother, dina." "[ cheers and applause ]" "IlikeyoursongandI 'm" "Joining in." "[ laughter ]" "♪ whatever happened to" "Yes mommy" "Thank you mother" "And don't blame the mother ♪" "♪ now everyone's" "Throwing stones" "From a house made of glass ♪" "♪ whatever happened to class ♪ doyoumindifI chimein?" "hey,everyone,it 'ske $ha." "[ laughter ]" "What are you doing here?" "Idon'tknow,Iwoke uphere." "[ laughter ] wewerejustsayingthat no" "One has any class anymore." "girlstodaywouldn'tknow" "Class if it tried to kiss them" "And puked in their mouth." "♪ oh there ain't no gentlemen" "To open up the doors" "There ain't no ladies now" "There's only pigs and whores ♪" "♪ and even kids will knock you" "Down so they can pass" "Nobody's got no class ♪" "♪ people get their news" "Today from tmz" "♪ every girl's made a sex tape" "For free ♪" "♪ nobody's got no class" "Every girl is a fool" "Every guy is a tool ♪ ♪ holy shiz, holy shiz" "What a shame" "♪ what became of class ♪ dinalohanandke$ ha!" "[ applause ]" "Oh, and I do have a sex tape out" "There somewhere." "If you find it, godspeed." "We've got a great show tonight." "Arcade fire is here." "[ cheers and applause ]" "So, stick around and we'll be" "Right back." "frommtv,thenetworkthat  Brought you "16 and pregnant"" "And "teen mom" comes a Groundbreaking new series that" "Explores what it means to be Young, pregnant and fabulous?" "It's "my super sweet 16 and Pregnant."" "I'mrich,I'mbeautifuland" "I'm fully dilated." "This is going to be the best Party ever." "gojanice." "Go janice." "anditgetsevenmore" "Pregnant." "Get ready for "america's best" "Pregnant dance crew" hosted by" "America's favorite dilf, mario" "Lopez." "fromalbuquerque,newmexico," "Give it up for stretch marks." "[ cheers ] andthere'sso muchmore." "Nick cannon presents "wild and" "Out" featuring special guest" "Star, a baby." "hey,baby,youthinkyou're" "All that when you stroller roll" "Past me, I smelled your" "Diaper, son." "That was nasty." "plus,ifyoulike"cribs,"" "Then you'll love "cribs."" "hereitis ." "andfinally,fromthe makers" "Of "jersey shore," it's "I'm" "Snooki and pregnant."" "there'sa freakingbabyin" "Here!" "mtv,maternitytelevision." "[ applause ]" "♪" "you'rewatchingbravo." "Up next, "millionaire" "Matchmaker."" "♪ love." "Everyone wants it." "But not everyone finds it." "That's why they come to me." "Who am I?" "Shut up!" "I'm the millionaire matchmaker." "Okay, everybody." "Shut up!" "What goomba jew are we helping" "This week?" "Mohawk, go." "actually,ourmillionaire" "This week is a woman." "she'sa lawyer,she's33." "okay,weirdgirl,justshow" "Me her tape." "hi." "I'm candace." "I'm 33 years young." "My net worth is $5 million and" "Rising." "So, holla!" "nowondershe'ssingle." "She looks like an ass fraggle." "Iguessmy idealguy is," "Like, a jock or a beefcake, like" "A ripped guy with muscles." "Like sometimes I'll see the" "Cover of "men's health" and say" ""oh, there's a nice piece of" "Ham."" "[ light laughter ] okay,thisgirlonlylikes" "Guys who are way out of her" "League." "She's in a fantasy land." "I can't help people like that." "There is no way I'm working with" "Her." "Let's go meet her right now." "[ laughter ]" "Candace is a sweet girl with a" "Lot of great qualities, who" "Happens to look like a dog dump." "This girl needs my help." "Today." "Okay." "What are you looking for in a" "Man?" "Iguessmy dreamguy wouldbe" "Like brad pitt if he was cuter" "And didn't have any children." "[ light laughter ] candace,lookat me ." "You have champagne taste and an" "Ass face." "[ laughter ]" "Right now, your bar is way up" "Here, and you need to put the" "Bar here." "So it covers your face." "[ laughter ] patty'ssoinsightful." "She's like oprah if oprah was" "White and really horrible to be" "Around." "[ laughter ] sowhatdo youdowhen you" "See a cute guy?" "I'llkindof winkathimand" "Move my shoulders in a sexy," "Come-hither way." "showme." "[ laughter ] youlooklikeavisiblefart." "[ laughter ]" "You know, I tell most girls" ""play hard to get," but for you," "If a guy takes it out, you sit" "On it." "[ laughter ]" "After all my coaching, candace" "Was as ready as she'd ever be." "So I rounded up some nice," "Eligible guys perfect for" "Someone like her." "Okay." "These guys are the best you can" "Hope for." "Which one do you like?" "[ laughter ] sodoanyofyouguys, like," "Work out or play sports?" "I'minasoftballleagueat" "Work." "oh." "Really?" "oh,yeah." "It's pretty fun." "aren'tyoujustasweetpiece" "Of ham?" "♪ laughter ] that'sit." "No more mole people." "Did candace find true love?" "Who knows?" "Who cares?" "Shut up." "youarewatchingtelecentro Tv dominicana." "At 6:00, cooking with papaya Juice followed by the weather." "But first, "the manuel ortiz Show."" "hola." "Welcome to my show." "I'm manuel ortiz." "And I'm here to help you with" "Whatever it is you're going" "Through." "And if I cannot, I am very, very" "Sorry." "My first guest has a secret she" "Has told no one." "Please welcome jasmine rios." "[ applause ]" "♪ [ laughter ] beuneosdias,senora." "ytu,manuel,ytu ." "so,whatis thissecretyou" "Have told no one?" "thereisachancethis baby" "May not be my husband's baby." "howbigachance?" "Iwouldsayprettybig." "Isee." "How about we bring him out." "Please welcome ace rios." "[ applause ]" "♪ myfriend,yourwifehas" "Something she wants to tell you." "ace,thisbabymay not be" "Your baby." "okay." "[ laughter ] okay?" "okay." "itmightbe yourbestfriend" "Dexter's baby." "okay." "[ laughter ]" "Jasmine, are you okay with ace" "Being okay?" "I'msplit." "wouldyoufeelbetterifI" "Told you dexter rojas was in the" "Studio?" "Let's bring him out." "[ applause ]" "♪ [ laughter ] hola,everyone." "Hola." "tohavefun,tomeet new" "People?" "no." "no?" "jasmine has something very" "Important to tell you." "dexter,I mightbe carrying" "Your baby." "sothisis why." "thereisalsosomeoneelse" "Who would like to see you." "[ laughter ]" "Your girlfriend." "no,nother." "pleasewelcome" "Rosita consuelos." "[ applause ]" "♪" "Rosita, you seem very upset." "Iwatchyoubackstage,and" "I'm saying to myself, "this must" "Be lies."" "Estupido, I will kill you!" "security!" "No!" "Security!" "[ applause ]" "♪ [ laughter ] so,jasmine,we have" "Conducted a paternity test." "Would you like to know what we" "Found out?" "si,thisis thereason." "nursemonica,canyou please" "Bring out the results?" "♪ [ applause ]" "♪ [ laughter ] isitme or is themusictoo" "Fast?" "Okay, jeremy, we got to get that" "Fixed." "Nurse monica, tell us who the" "Baby's father is." "theresultasindicatethe" "Padre is -- wait." "The baby, it cannot be mine." "Because my peepee don't work." "see,hisflautaisflaccid." "so,doIstillneed toread The resultas or -- no,nursemonica,you donot." "♪ [ laughter ]" "♪ [ cheers and applause ]" "Jeremy, we have to get that" "Fixed." "I'm being told we need to go to" "A commercial break." "When we return, hopefully I will" "Be able to help jasmine and ace" "Put their lives back together." "And if I cannot, I am very, very" "Sorry." "♪ [ applause ]" "♪ soyoumy newpartner,huh?" "I didn't know I was running a" "Day-care center." "yeah,well,Ididn'tknow I" "Was working in a retirement Home." "♪ [ light laughter ] allright." "wehavean unmannedtrain" "With eight freight cars with" "Hazardous chemicals rolling into" "A highly populated area with no" "Air brakes." "It's not a train." "It's a missile the size of the" "Chrysler building." "ha-ha,let'sdo this,rookie." "don'tcallme rookie,old" "Man." "I know trains!" "whereyoulearntrains,huh?" "Thomas the tank engine?" "andwheredidyou learn" "Trains, old man?" "From inventing them?" "[ laughter ] guys,weneedyou tostop" "That train now." "itgetsworse." "it'sonacollisioncourse" "With a train full of kids on a" "Field trip." "itgetsworse." "thefieldtripwas toa" "Petroleum refinery, and they all" "Brought home souvenir gasoline." "That's enough to hold hands in a" "Circle around the chrysler" "Building." "whatarewe gonnado?" "relax,rugrat,don'tsoil" "Your diaper, huh." "don'tsoilyourdepends,old" "Man." "[ laughter ] ha-ha-ha!" "You see, he's insulting me, and" "I'm allowing it." "guys,what'sthestatus?" "itseemswe 'recomingtoa" "Begrudging respect for each" "Other." "When we met, we focused on our" "Differences." "nowitappearswehave more" "In common than we thought." "now,whatdidyou wantto" "Say?" "anursing" "Home shuttle bus got stuck on" "The track." "boom!" "[ laughter ] there'sgotto be away to" "Stop it." "we'retryingto figurethat" "Out, but we're going through 100 years of files." "It's like trying to find a" "Needle in the chrysler building." "you'retooyoug!" "you'retooold!" "Ilovethisguy ." "Okay." "here'stheworstnewsyet." "There was a train on top of the" "Runaway train that's moving even" "Faster than the first train." "That's like a chrysler building" "On top of a chrysler building." "chug-a-chug-achoo-choo." "goodnews." "We were able to get the runaway" "On the emergency track." "wheredoesthatgo?" "42ndandlexingtonin" "New york." "that'sthechryslerbuilding." "[ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]" "scarlettjohansson,lookat You." "sexy,sexy,sexy,sexy." "whoa!" "Look at you." "More like scarlett jo-handsome." "goodnickname." "[ light laughter ]" "I'm brady trump." "andI 'manastasiasticks." "Thanks so much for doing this" "Interview." "I'mthrilled." "I love "hollywood dish." andweloveyou ." "Now." "He's very good." "Yeah, anyway, are we ready to" "Get started?" "How did you feel about your tony" "Award?" "I'vegotto be honest." "I was not expecting that at all." "Being on stage in new york, it's" "Such an incredible feeling." "The whole experience was" "Magical." "I want to do it all over again." "I'm sorry, is there something" "Wrong?" "oh,no,you'redoingfine ." "We can't talk while you're" "Talking." "butwewanttoencourageyou." "oesh,okay." "I see." "Ihaveto ask,whatwasit" "Like working with woody allen?" "atfirstIwas sointimidated" "By him." "I mean because he's such an" "Icon." "He's made so many amazing films." "Now we have such a great" "Relationship between us." "No, not like that." "We're friends." "now,youwerein" lostin" "Translation."" "Do you know any japanese?" "Icansay,like,onething ." "[ speaking japanese ] oh,thatsoundsromantic." "itmeanswhere'sthe" "Bathroom." "oh." "Do it." "doitagain." "[ speaking japanese ] okay." "Do it more shy like." "[ speaking japanese ] ohno." "Bigger." "Use your arms." "[ speaking japanese ] okay." "are we -- are we almost done" "Here?" "oh,hangon ." "Hang on." "I've got to ask you this, okay?" "Your husband, ryan reynolds, has" "Some pretty big muscles." "Is he big everywhere?" "whatdoyoumean?" "doeshehaveabig- - [ whistles ] [ laughter ] excuseme?" "we'retalkingabouthis " "I'mnotansweringthat." "comeon." "We're just talking about his -- stop,stop." "I know exactly what you're" "Talking about, and there is no" "Way I'm going" "To discuss my husband's penis." "whoa,ourmomsare here." "Right behind us." "youknowwhat?" "I'm sorry." "I don'tean to be rude." "I think I should probably just" "Go." "wait,onelastquestion,not" "Personal at all." "we'reaskingeverybody." "Just tell us how excited you are" "For the next and probably final" "Version of "the jersey shore."" "youknow,I'veneverseen" "That show." "I just don't watch a lot of" "Reality television." "[ laughter ] youhavegreatskin." "What's your secret?" "well,I makesureInevergo" "To bed with makeup on, and I" "Live for sunblock." "The big secret is, I -- okay." "Are you two even listening to" "Me?" "Okay." "I'm officially annoyed and" "Officially leaving." "I can't believe I went on this" "Stupid show." "I'm going to fire my publicist." "Thank you for a junky time." "wow." "sheisso cool." "coolchick." "Laid back." "oh,loveher." "tonighton"hollywood Dish" -- hasstarjolosther mind?" "atfirstIwas sointimidated" "By my husband's penis." "ishollywoodgagamissing?" "nexton"thehollywooddish ."" "ladiesandgentlemen, Arcade fire." "[ cheers and applause ]" "♪" "♪ I used to write" "I used to write letters" "I used to sign my name" "I used to sleep at night ♪" "♪ before the flashing lights" "Settled deep in my brain" "But by the time we met" "By the time we met the ♪" "♪ times had already changed" "So I never wrote a letter" "I never took my true heart" "I never wrote it down ♪" "♪ so when the lights cut out" "I was left standing in the" "Wilderness downtown" "Now our lives are ♪" "♪ changing fast" "Now our lives are" "Changing fast" "Hope that something pure ♪" "♪ can last" "Hope that something pure" "Can last" "It seems strange ♪" "♪ how we used to wait" "For letters to arrive" "But what's stranger still" "Is how something so small ♪" "♪ can keep you alive" "We used to wait" "We used to waste hours" "Just walking around ♪" "♪ we used to wait" "All those wasted lives" "In the wilderness downtown" "♪" "♪ oh we used to wait" "Oh we used to wait" "Oh we used to wait" "Sometimes it never came ♪" "♪ sometimes it never came" "We used to wait" "Still moving through" "The pain ♪" "♪ I'm gonna write a letter" "To my true love" "I'm gonna sign my name" "Like a patient on a table ♪" "♪ I wanna walk again" "Gonna move through the pain" "Now our lives are" "Changing fast ♪" "♪ now our lives are" "Changing fast" "Hope that something pure" "Can last ♪" "♪ hope that something pure" "Can last" "Oh we used to wait" "♪ oh we used to wait" "Sometimes it never came" "We used to wait" "Sometimes it never came ♪" "♪ we used to wait" "Still moving through" "The pain" "We used to wait ♪" "♪ we used to wait" "We used to wait" "Oh yes" "We used to wait for it ♪" "♪ we used to wait for it" "Now we're screaming" "Sing the chorus again ♪" "♪ we used to wait for it" "We used to wait for it" "Now we're screaming" "Sing the chorus again ♪" "♪ I used to wait for it" "I used to wait for it" "Hear my voice screaming" "Sing the chorus again ♪" "♪" "♪ wait for it" "Wait for it [ cheers and applause ]" "Making friends with other moms" "Has" "♪" ""weekendupdate"with" "Seth meyers." "[ cheers and applause ]" "I'msethmeyers,and hereare" "Tonight's top stories." "An article on "huffington post"" "Yesterday claimed that several" "Passages of george wncht bush's" "New memoir "decision points"" "Were lifted from other books" "Including several written by his" "Advisers which explains why he" "Spent much of the book" "Complaining about his boss." "one of the new proposals from" "A bipartisan commission released" "Wednesday suggested that in" "Order to bring down the deficit," "The government would need to" "Raise the retirement age to 69" "By the year 2075." "So the next time a baby is" "Crying on your flight, it's" "Probably because they just found" "Out they're gonna have to work" "Until they're 69 in new china." "[ laughter ] speakinginavideoforan" "Ad campaign aimed at ending the" "Bullying of gay teenagers," "Cindy mccain, the wife of" "Senator john mccain, broke with" "Her husband and called for the" "Repeal of "don't ask, don't" "Tell."" "Mccain says he and his wife have" "Disagreed on other issues too." "Things like, "where am I and" "What the hell's going on?"" "[ laughter ] thedallascowboysMonday" "Fired head coach wade phillips" "After the 1-7 start this season." "Wow, a brand-new house, a rapid" "Downward spiral and now" "Unemployment." "They really are america's team." "thisweek,kanyewest" "Apologized to former president" "George w." "Bush for saying he" "Doesn't care about black people" "During hurricane katrina." "While the president said he Forgave kanye." "Here to explain are George w." "Bush and kanye west." "[ cheers and applause ]" "Good to see you, kanye." "Imean,what'sup, fam ?" "soeverything'sgoodwithyou" "Guys?" "Iknow,we hadproblemsand" "Now we solved those problems." "Yeah, fam." "absolutely." "I love kanye." "I do." "♪ kanye and w. ♪" "♪ best of friends united by" "Forgiveness ♪" "♪ yo recognize, haters." "yo,haters." "Come on, recognize." "Iwouldn'thavethoughtyou" "Guys had that much in common." "sure,wedo ." "We're both rich." "We're both impulsive." "I mean, he interrupted taylor" "Swift at an awards show." "that'strue." "Iinterruptedhowwellour" "Country was doing for eight" "Years." "that'sright,fam,that's" "Right." "No time for haters." "that'sright." "Kanye's even got me doing the" "Twister." "twitter." "twitter,I 'msorryabout" "That." "Fam." "You know, he was teaching me how" "To tweet." "And I really like it because" "It's short." "You just kind of puke out" "Whatever's on your mind." "It's also real lenient on" "Grammar, and I like that." "hey,tellthemyourtwitter," "Fam." "sure." "I call myself not so curious" "George." "I don't know if you get it." "I didn't get it initially, but I" "Get it now." "soI haveto ask,haveyou" "Guys actually been hanging out?" "well,yes." "Yes, fam." "I took him sunglass shopping." "that'sright." "I needed glasses to help me with" "All the squinting." "That's when I bought these bad" "Boys." "Look at that." "They're designer brand called" "Guckies." "no,it'sgucci." "gucci." "I also went down to crawford to" "Clear brush." "Ithoughtclearingbrushwas" "A white people's term for going" "To a club and picking up ugly" "Bitches." "honestmistake." "Honest mistake." "This guy's a hoot." "You know, I love black people." "I love them." "presidentbushandkanye" "West, everyone." "whileinisraelthisweek ," "Pamela anderson met with" "Orthodox lawmakers in an effort" "To get them to endorse an animal" "Rights bill that would limit the" "Production of traditional fur" "Hats worn by hasidic jews." "Anderson suggested they wear" "Regular hats with just a little" "Strip of fur down the middle." "anewstudyshowsthat" "Drowsy driving is responsible" "For nearly 17% of all driving" "Fatalities." "That's a lot of blood on your" "Hands, prairie home companion." "awomanin floridaand her" "Boyfriend were arrested after" "They allegedly tried to sell her Infant grandson for $30,000." "Florida, where grandmas have Boyfriends." "anewsurveyfrom" ""travel  lee sure" lists" "Charleston first in politeness" "And philadelphia, pennsylvania," "As also a city." "afireon thecarnival" "Cruise ship splendor left over 3,000 passengers stranded in the" "Pacific ocean without air" "Conditioning, hot food or" "Working toilets for three days." "Joining us now to tell us about" "Their ordeal aboard the ship," "Passengers frank and gladys" "Madden." "[ cheers and applause ]" "Thank you guys for coming." "you'rewelcome." "Hello." "okay." "So mr." "And mrs." "Madden, I can't" "Even begin to imagine what an" "Ordeal that trip was like." "itwashorrible." "It was a nightmare." "okay." "So tell us about the cruise." "wheredoIbegin?" "When we book our cruises, we" "Always book the junior suite" "Which has a queen bed and couch." "We show up, and we are in a" "Junior sleeper which has a queen" "Bed." "I go to open the window." "There is no window." "I'm furious." "okay." "Well, those actually seem to be" "Complaints about the cruise" "Itself." "What about the fire and the" "Power outage?" "I'llgetto that." "Morning of the second day, I go" "To the gym to use the stepper." "One of my few pleasures in life." "I walk in only to find there is" "A jumping class." "You heard me, a jumping class." "Middle-aged heavy women jumping." "I turn around, go right back to" "My room." "thatsoundsawful." "But surely things got worse when" "The power went out." "thingsgotworse." "The next night at dinner." "Seth, I've learned not to expect" "Much from life." "But when you book a carnival" "Cruise, you expect the dessert" "Menu to include caramel flan." "We get to dessert, and the" "Waiter says, "for dessert, we" "Have three types of ice cream."" "That's funny because at home, I" "Have five types of ice cream." "He goes -- and I berated him." "andrightlyso ." "Frank, can you tell us about the" "Power outage?" "here'sanotherone." "I signed us up for a couples'" "Cha-cha class." "This one plays hooky." "I find him at the casino sitting" "At the $5 baccarat table." "The jewish james bond over here." "whathappenedwhenthe power" "Went out?" "daythree." "I take a lunesta." "Put on my eye shade." "Power goes out." "Alarm never goes off." "I sleep for three days." "And I wake up in san diego being" "Interviewed by wolf blitzer." "Who I do not care for." "frank,youlether sleepfor" "Three days?" "wouldn'tyou?" "gladysandfrankmadden, Everybody." "[ applause ] votersinrhodeisland" "Rejected a proposition last week" "To change the state's official" "Name from state of rhode island" "And providence plantations to" "Just rhode island, but I think" "People are just going to keep" "Calling it connecticut's" "Foreskin." "amanin pennsylvaniawas" "Arrested after he smoked" "Marijuana in the hospital to" "Celebrate the birth of his" "Child." "Celebrate or cope with?" "thefirsteverstarbucksat" "Sea was opened this week on a" "Royal caribbean cruise ship, and" "Somehow there's already a" "Homeless guy in the bathroom." "for" weekendupdate,"I'm" "Seth meyers!" "Good night!" "andnowbackto- " "St. Kat's middle school." "hey,what'sup ,guys?" "How's it hanging?" "Am I right?" "heymarvin,howdid yourknee" "Surgery go?" "oh,noproblemshere." "Doc said I'll be up and walking" "In no time." "heymarvin,whatdid you" "Think of mr." "Conklin's lecture" "On the power of positive" "Thinking today?" "oh,I totallyenjoyedit." "With positive thinking, you can" "Do anything." "yeah." "exactly." "maybeifmarvinusedpositive" "Thinking, he could walk." "yeah!" "Idon'tknow,you guys." "I have a broken knee." "you'llneverknowifyou" "Don't try." "youknowwhat?" "You're absolutely right." "Okay." "Help me out of this wheelchair." "Okay." "Here we go." "Dang!" "Get out of here!" "Leave me!" "You talked me into this!" "Go away!" "Go away!" "I need to heal!" "Leave me by myself!" "I'msorry,marvin." "I guess I thought our positive" "Thinking would help you walk" "Again." "Ihaveabrokenknee ." "Get out of here!" "Ihopemarvindoesn'thate" "Us." "hehitthegroundsohardon" "His face." "hey,guys." "marvin." "marvin,you'renotmad atus" "For yesterday, are you?" "no." "I'm mad at myself for allowing" "Me to talk me into walking with" "A broken knee." "Deep down I knew it wasn't a" "Good idea." "hey,marvin,whatdid you" "Think of mr." "Conklin's anything" "Is possible lecture today?" "itwasgood." "I mean, most things are possible" "Within reason." "marvin,I 'vebeenmeaningto" "Ask you, would you want to go to" "The fall dance with me?" "sure,I 'llgowithyou ." "I won't be able to dance, you" "Know." "The broken knee." "hey,butwhataboutthe" "Lecture?" "Anything is possible?" "inthiscase,it'snot." "Because my knee's broken." "Ibetif we playedmusic,you" "Wouldn't be saying that." "well,I thinkI'dbesaying" "That music or no music." "hitthemusic!" "comeon,guys." "Let's get marvin out of this" "Wheelchair." "three,two,one." "♪" "Itoldyou!" "You don't listen!" "My knee!" "You knew about my knee!" "Why won't y'all listen to me?" "Just get out of here!" "Leave me alone!" "Leave me alone, I tell you!" "Go away!" "Go away!" "man,ifmarvineverforgives" "Us, we'll be so super lucky." "hey,how'sis hanging,guys?" "marvin!" "marvin,weareway sorry." "I just thought about us dancing" "Together and nothing else." "yeah." "I thought about it long and" "Hard, too." "This morning when I was working" "My way out of the tub." "You guys arey best friends." "You just don't understand what" "Broken knees are bp p about." "I'm partially to blame for that." "whatdidyouthinkofmr ." "Conklin's lecture, the sky's the" "Limit?" "Ithoughtit wasreckless." "Reckless and irresponsible." "it'stimeforminitramp" "Exercis" "Exercises." "Ithinkmarvinshouldgo" "First because the sky's the" "Limit." "youcan'tbe serious." "yeah,kids,marvincan 'tjump" "On the trampoline, right?" "ifmarvindoesn'tjump,no" "Of us jump." "whereisyourbrain?" "In your butt?" "okay,okay,okay." "You win." "Marvin, you can jump." "Idon'twanttojump !" "You're a teacher!" "Don't let this happen!" "comeon,guys." "Let's get him on the tramp." "no." "marvin!" "goaway!" "Leave me be!" "Leave me to my regrets!" "Go away!" "You're animals!" "All of you!" "Beasts, I tell you!" "Get away from my face!" "You don't listen!" "My knee is broken!" "Where's your common sense?" "Go away." "marvin." "getoutof here!" "nextontheday 'sagenda,a" "Very, very special treat." "The winners of our model u.N." "Competition are going to address" "The general assembly and present" "Their thoughts on world history." "So please welcome." "[ applause hello." "Based on our hours logged" "Deliberating at the model u.N.," "Here are our key thoughts on" "World history thus far." "2,3,4 " "♪" "♪ the holocaust" "What was that?" "Hiroshima" "What was that?" "♪" "♪ terrorism" "What is that all about?" "Slavery?" "Come on guys ♪" "♪ vietnam" "What was that?" "Nanking massacre" "That totally sucked!" "♪" "♪ and rwanda" "Real mature, guys!" "Tiananmen square" "Give me a break!" "♪" "♪ the inquisition" "What was that?" "The khmer rouge" "So bogus!" "♪" "♪ armenian genocide" "Unacceptable!" "Ethnic cleansing" "Talk to the hand!" "♪" "♪ apartheid" "What was that?" "!" "Get it together guys!" "You're blowing it!" "♪" "♪ the middle east" "Quit goofin' around!" "And these oil spills" "Hit the showers!" "♪" "♪ darfur" "What are you guys doing?" "♪" "♪ but dancing " "That'll set your whole" "Shake it off and dance ♪" "♪ and dance your troubles away ♪" "♪ fight off the evil ♪" "♪ because it can't ruin our" "Day ♪" "♪ now rip your shirt wide open" "And dance ♪" "♪ come on you guys ♪" "♪ dance with a boy and a girl ♪" "♪ we're all just people ♪" "♪ stand up ♪" "♪ you've got to [ bleep ] and" "Save the world ♪ whatwasthat?" "hi,y 'all." "I'm paula deen, and you know my" "Favorite two ingredients to cook" "With are butter and oil." "But some people don't want all" "That fat in their food." "That's why I'm introducing my" "New product." "Paula deen's big old soak 'em" "Paper towels, for when you want" "To get the fat out of your good" "Old southern food." "They are eight ply, y'all." "They really suck on up all that" "Butter and oil that y just" "Don't wa getting on your" "Little ticker." "Watch this, y'all." "I'm going to put one of my" "Famous butter-crusted drizzler" "Biscuits on a big old piece of" "Soak 'em." "And I'm just gonna let it sit" "There like a frog on a log." "Let's wait ten seconds." "[ laughter ]" "Now, look at that." "Laughter ]" "That big old biscuit got all the" "Butter and oil just soaked on" "Right out of it." "Now that biscuit is a lot" "More healthy, y'all." "Also, it tastes like [ bleep ]." "[ laughter ]" "Look, y'all, just between you," "Me and the chickens, I have to" "Suggest this oil draining" "Because health professionals are" "Really backing up my back bumper" "About my food making little" "Children fat." "I was a fat child and look how I" "Turned out." "I'm on tv, and I have a real" "Foxy husband." "He is santalicious." "I'd love to sit on his lap." "And you should see how fat my" "Little grandbaby boy is." "He is like a string of plump" "Little sausages with a diaper on" "It." "I just want to bite him." "He better watch it or I'm going" "To put him in the fryer and" "Serve him up on a bed of" "Buttered noodles." "[ laughter ]" "Oh, it is as hot as the devil's" "Danglers in this kitchen." "Oh, my mercy me." "[ laughter ]" "I am giving off some body butter" "Today." "Y'all, please go buy you some of" "These soak 'em so people will" "Get off my double bubble." "I'm going to take a heat lamp and put it on my face on my sun Porch." "I'd better put down a soak 'em Or I'm going to ruin my pillows." "Love y'all!" "onceagain,arcadefire." "[ cheers and applause ]" "♪" "♪ they heard me singing" "And they told me to stop" "Quit these pretentious things" "And just punch the clock ♪" "♪ these days my life" "I feel it has no purpose" "But late at night the" "Feelings swim to ♪" "♪ the surface 'cause on the surface" "The city lights shine" "They're calling at me ♪" "♪ come and find your kind" "Sometimes I wonder if" "The world's so small" "That we can never get ♪" "♪ away from the sprawl" "Living in the sprawl" "Dead shopping malls rise" "Like mountains ♪" "♪ beyond mountains" "And there's no end in sight" "I need the darkness" "Someone please ♪" "♪ cut the lights" "We rode our bikes" "To the nearest park" "Sat under the swings ♪" "♪ and kissed in the dark" "We shield our eyes" "From the police lights" "We run away ♪" "♪ but we don't know why" "On the black river" "The city lights shine" "They're screaming at us ♪" "♪ we don't need your kind" "Sometimes I wonder if" "The world's so small" "That we can never get ♪" "♪ away from the sprawl" "Living in the sprawl" "Dead shopping malls rise like" "Mountains beyond mountains ♪" "♪ and there's no end in sight" "I need the darkness" "Someone please cut the lights" "♪" "♪" "♪ they heard me singing" "And they told me to stop" "Quit these pretentious things" "And just punch the clock ♪" "♪ sometimes I wonder if" "The world's so small" "Can we ever get away" "From the sprawl?" "♪" "♪ living in the sprawl" "Dead shopping malls rise like" "Mountains beyond mountains" "And there's no end in sight ♪" "♪ I need the darkness" "Someone please cut the lights" "I need the darkness" "Someone please ♪" "♪ cut the lights ♪" "♪" "♪" "[ cheers and applause ]" "tlcpresents"starsof" "Tomorrow."" "Itravelalloverthecountry" "Looking for talented kids." "You never know where you'll find" "The next abigail breslin." "And I still remember the night I" "Went to akron, ohio, to see 11-year-old laura parsons." "fromthemomentlaurawas" "Born, we knew she had something" "Special." "She was a very expressive baby." "She would, like, cry when she" "Wanted something." "We always knew she was amazing." "But at that first audition, she" "Did a piece from "a few good" "Men," she" "Let everyone know." "son,weliveina worldthat" "Has walls." "Those walls have to be guarded" "By men with guns." "Who's going to do it?" "You -- you -- you want the" "Truth?" "You can't handle the truth." "wehaveawordinthe" "Theater." "Show-stopper." "That audition got her the" "Lead in some of the top kids'" "Touring productions like" ""rocking red riding hood" and" "The mary-kate and ashley" "Classic, "how the west was fun."" "shewastheonlyname inkids" "Theater for a long time." "And then -- and then one day," "Everything changed." "amandastarrwasjustapoor 11-year-old kid from bethesda." "But when she hit that stage," "Boom!" "Fireworks." "Amanda's audition for "on the" "Waterfront" had everyone" "Talking." "youdon'tunderstand." "I could have had class." "I could have been a contender." "I could have been somebody." "Instead of a bum which is what I" "Am." "Let's face it." "It was you, charlie." "that'swhentherivalry" "Started." "And it was -- it was so hard." "I couldn't eat." "I couldn't sleep." "But laura stayed strong and took" "Care of the both of us." "Ireallywantedtowork with" "Laura and man da butdy but I co." "It was an all-african-american" "Cast, so I had no use for either" "Of the girls." "theyneverthoughtshe had a" "Shot until they saw laura" "Perform the character bubba from" ""forrest gump."" "youeverbeenona real" "Shrimp boat?" "I'm talking about a shrimping" "Boat." "I've been working on shrimp" "Boats all my life." "People call me bubba." "Just like one of them redneck" "Boys." "Can you believe that?" "Anyway, like I was saying," "Shrimp is the fruit of the sea." "You can barbecue it, boil it," "Broil it, make shrimp soup," "Shrimp stew, shrimp and" "Potatoes." "And that's -- that's about it." "[ laughter ] oh,yes,theypushedeach" "Other." "Once mandy heard that laura was" "Auditioning for an" "African-american part, she knew" "What she had to do." "Sophie from "the color purple."" "allmylifeIhadtofight." "I had to fight my daddy." "I had to fight my uncles." "I had to fight my brothers." "A girl travelling safe in a" "Family of men." "But I ain't never thought I'd" "Have to fight in my own house." "I loved harpo." "God knows I do." "But I'll kill him dead before I" "Let him beat me." "amandaandlaurawerethe" "Biggest names." "We had no choice." "We cast mandy in the part of" "Mama and laura as her husband," "Walter." "ofcourse,it wasa" "Sensation." "People talked about it for" "Weeks." "That's when laura and mandy" "Realized it was better to work" "Together than as rivals." "In their next project, they" "Decided to collaborate." "ifyou'dhavetoldmethat" "Our company was going to do a" "Stage version of "brokeback" "Mountain," I would have been" "Skeptical." "But then you said that the lead" "Roles of the two gay cowboys" "Will be played by 11-year-old" "Girls, I would tell you it can't" "Be done." "whydidn'tyoujustletme" "Be?" "It's because of you, jack twist," "That I'd like this." "I'm nothing." "I'm nowhere." "I can't stand being like this no" "More." "Itellyouwhat,wecould" "Have had a good life together," "But you didn't want it, ennis." "So what we've got now is" "Brokeback mountain." "You have no idea how bad it" "Gets." "A couple every year." "I wish I knew how to quit you." "openingnightwasa" "Ten-minute standing ovation." "We have a word in theater," "Gaymazing." "That was double gaymazing." "ceramicbusts." "Nothing says I'm a millionaire" "More than ceramic busts." "You want to start rumors that" "You come from a rich family?" "Get yourself some ceramic busts." "Fill your house with them." "You like having orange juice and" "Toast for breakfast?" "Try having it with ceramic" "Busts." "Now you're eating in a european" "Museum." "You're doing a bunch of work on" "Your computer at home?" "Put a ceramic bust on it." "Pretty soon you'll be logging on" "To those yacht websites." "You like freshening up in the" "Bathroom?" "Freshen up with ceramic busts" "Everywhere." "You're going to think you're" "Washing your hands in the white" "House." "And I mean the top floor." "You've got to get yourself these" "Ceramic busts." "It's people from all over" "History." "France, greece, shakespeare." "[ light laughter ]" "People are going to look at" "These and think you own a" "Mercedes." "Don't believe me?" "Try asking my daughter, lexi." "comeon." "Just get these already." "Don't you want people to look" "Into your house and say, "whoa." "That must be a family of brain" "Surgeons." "I bet they listen to classical" "Music every day." Look at this one." "Who is that?" "Sir isaac newton?" "Who's that one?" "Beethoven?" "Is that one zeus?" "Everyone's going to see these And go, "god, they probably have" "A tennis court back there behind The bushes."" "I mean, imagine waking up and The first thing you see is a Face like this one." "Or that one." "Or this one." "Or that one." "thesethingshavenoarms and No legs." "So they're not going anywhere." "Plus, every customer gets a free Copy of "the kama sutra."" "You know what that's about, Right?" "I insist, you should really get" "Yourself some ceramic busts." "Come to mike's bustaria on" "Central avenue." "♪" "♪ [ cheers and applause ] you'vegottagetyourself some ceramic busts." "thankstoarcadefire!" "Thank you so much for watching." "Thanks to "snl" cast and crew." "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" "Good night!"