"Every year on my birthday," "Randy wakes up early to make me breakfast in bed." "Unfortunately, he's not used to being up early and falls right back asleep." "Randy ?" "The think I was most happy to celebrate was not being the third person at the motel to be killed in a bed fire." "Another thing I was celebrating was doing more good things this year than I had in my entire life." "Like helping a gay guy come out of the closet, returning a nun to her holy place, unruining a wedding and helping some freaks jump back into the world." "Looking back on the year made me feel pretty proud of myself." "Is there gum in these pancakes ?" "Yeah, I put all your favorite things in there." "There's beer and gummy worms." "And you know that button that came off your yellow shirt ?" "I put that in there, too, kind of as a joke, but I think one of us already ate it." "Happy birthday." "Thanks, Randy." "I really think this is going to be a happy birthday." "Oh !" "Found the button." "This birthday felt different than other ones." "and not just'cause I didn't start drinking at noon." "I had gone a whole year doing good things, and Randy was throwing me a party to celebrate." "Thanks for the button." "It's a good size." "I have a customer at Club Chubby who makes them." "It's not a great business, so he has to tip me for his lap dances with buttons." "Look at the cake I got you." "It was half price." "Who's "Gary"?" "Some guy at the Department of Water and Power who was standing in some water when he touched some power." "He's going to be fine, but they postponed the retirement party." "We're invited." "No gifts, please." "Good, I wouldn't have known what to get him." "It's an ice cream cake." "That's your favorite kind of cake because it's got ice cream in the middle, just like your favorite kind of truck does." "You know, an ice cream truck ?" "I do love ice cream trucks." "Remember how much fun we used to have with that ice cream truck in the trailer park ?" "A few years ago, I was into some show where guys acted like jackasses." "I think it was called Dumbass." "Anyway, when my neighbor's cable got shut off, I had to entertain myself." "But the tricks didn't stop there." "I found lots of other fun ways to wake Randy up." "Oh, God !" "Oh, God !" "what's happening ?" "!" "What's happening ?" "!" "Oh, God, what's happening ?" "!" "Nice try, Earl." "Pee is warm." "Yeah." "Listen, I'm sorry, it's on my list, but tonight's not about what's still on my list." "It's about what I've crossed off." "It's been a good year, Randy." "I'm going to go mingle." "Hey, Pickled Egg Guy, lookin'good." "Nice hat, African-American Cowboy." "Hey, Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop." "How's the English coming ?" "I speak better than you, bitch." "There you go, Willie." "See that, Mom ?" "I help people." "Earl, I was just telling One-Eyed William about the time you peed on my brand-new rug." "What a story." "There's no way you'd remember that." "Mom was right, I didn't remember, but I'd heard about it enough times to know what it was." "Now you come back here and get this diaper on, Mr. Silly Pants !" "Ah, I think I hear your daddy coming back from his night out with his friends." "Earl, what are you doing ?" "Not on the rug !" "What are you doing in the bathroom ?" "Son, that's not the bathroom !" "Shut the door, Mom !" "My living room is not a toilet !" "That's a good story, Mom, but that was Bad Earl." "I was kind of hoping we could focus on Good Earl tonight." "You know, the one who fixes things ?" "Well, there's only been one year of Good Earl." "I'm not sure we'd have enough to talk about." "Hey, Willie, why don't you show my mom what's under your patch ?" "Ooh, God, it looks like there's a little raisin in there." "Hey, look, Earl, I'm an alcoholic hamster." "You got to do that for Mr. Turtle." "He's going to laugh and laugh." "Hey, Randy was just telling me about the pranks you used to pull..." "Yeah, yeah, I know." "I've done some bad things." "I'm aware of that." "I've written'em down." "But I've done some good things, too." "I raised your son for five years." "Let's not forget about that." "Oh, I remember." "Although, it's a miracle I remember anything after that time you got me stoned." "Before Darnell was making his famous lemon squares, he used to make some pretty famous brownies and sell'em on Thursday nights." "It being the Crab Shack, the only brownies that sold were the five-dollar ones." "Me and Randy weren't into pot, but we were into money." "My man." "Is that good for you ?" "The plan was for me and Randy to buy all the 25-cent brownies at the end of the night and sell'em somewhere else." "Like every Thursday night, the quarter brownies didn't sell, and also like every Thursday night, me and Randy drank so much, we passed out on the pool table." "So we never got a chance to buy the real pot brownies." "I'm glad the regular brownies didn't sell." "That way, me and my Grandmoms can eat all these brownies and play Scrabble tonight." "We share a sweet tooth and a love of language." "And I certainly didn't mean to get him stoned like this." "Hey, man, you sold us pot brownies with no pot in'em !" "I just sat through dinner with my parents straight !" "I haven't done that since I was 13 !" "I listened to a whole Phish album, and it sucked !" "And I certainly didn't want it to happen like this." "It was biblical." "Okay, then." "I'm going to go fire up the karaoke." "Even though the crowd wasn't nearly drunk enough to make karaoke entertaining," "I knew it would at least stop people from reminding me of all the bad stuff I'd done." "Okay, who wants to go first ?" "Maybe sing, uh, I don't know, "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow"?" "Donny Jones, can you come sing for us ?" "Oh, I don't know." "Anything you want." "What would Jesus sing ?" "This is for my good friend, Earl Hickey, who went to great lengths to get my mom to quit smoking so we could spend more precious years together." "Hear, hear !" "He also got me seriously injured by a potted fern." "Still waiting for you to make up for that one, buddy." "You're a pot breaker, fern shaker, scar maker." "Don't you mess around with me !" "Oh yeah !" "You're a pot taker, face breaker, frown maker." "Get that fern away, no, no, no !" "It was bad enough people were telling me about the terrible stuff I had done." "Now Donny was singing about how I almost got him killed by a fern." "I didn't set out to get Donny hurt." "I set out to help a pregnant Joy, who wasn't feeling good about how she looked." "What are you hens clucking about ?" "Some more of that blue ice drop from the sky again ?" "I swear, those pilots see a trailer park and just pull the chute." "There's a Peepin'Tom running around." "He likes to watch people do it." "He saw Jill doing it with Doug, he saw Karen doing it with clamps on her nubbies." "Hey !" "That's okay." "He saw me doing it with clamps on my nubbies, too." "Thanks for letting me borrow your nubby clamps." "No attractive woman is safe." "I'm sure he's peeped you, too, Joy." "Oh, yeah, he's at my window all the time'cause I'm so pregnant and... hot." "Oh, no !" "I left my binoculars and a six-pack of beer on the comfy chair right outside our window !" "But I'm just too horny now to go and get them !" "You put my comfy chair outside ?" "I had to, Earl." "There's a perv out there not peeping on me, and I want him peeping on me even if it takes all night." "Now, I went to Spencer's Gifts and got us some crazy stuff." "But we're going to have to do it near an outlet." "I knew no matter what we did, and no matter what weird gadgets Joy bought, that perv wasn't going to show up'cause that perv was me." "But I wasn't actually peeping on people." "I'd seen some kids playing in a big-screen TV box and was trying to find out who bought it so I could steal it." "I wasn't going to tell Joy it was me'cause" "I went from having zero sex with a tired pregnant woman to having lots of sex with an angry pregnant woman on a mission." "We're going to do stuff from the Kama Sutra where I sit cross-legged and wiggle while you hold it for two hours like Sting does." "Get that oil out." "We're not stopping this love bus until the baby tugs on the cord." "It's time for spankings, but not for our kids." "We're good parents." "We use time-outs." "It's time for mama's spanking'cause I've been a bad girl !" "It was fun at first, but after a week of still not getting peeped at, she gave up." "I got the sex swing bolted back in the ceiling, and this time I'm sure I hit a stud." "That makes two studs in the house." "Forget it, Earl." "He doesn't care about me." "I mean, how bad do you have to be to get passed over by a trailer park perv ?" "Well, maybe if we brought another girl in." "That might do the trick." "Laying there horny on the ground, I knew I had to come up with a plan." "So I paid my friend Donny Jones to peep and run." "I knew he'd be perfect'cause even when he just looked at women normal, it creeped'em out." "Hey !" "It's him !" "He's peeping me !" "He's peeping me !" "The peep part worked out fine." "The run part didn't." "This is for peeping me before I finished Jenny Craig." "I forgot about that fern thing." "Donny just showed me where he's still got a piece of terra-cotta underneath his scalp." "It's like this big, shaped like Texas." "It's half that big, okay, and he should be thanking me." "It's the only thing he as to talk about other than his Bible." "Besides, the whole thing started with me trying to make you feel better about yourself when you were pregnant." "Please." "You were horrible." "If I hadn't been carrying another man's baby, I would have left you." "Come on." "Come on." "Come on." "Hey, fatty." "Come on." "Look, I'm sorry." "How many Gs in pregnant ?" "What do I look like, a professor of spelling ?" "Just put it on there and do it soon." "Not before you do number 86." "That one was way worse." "86 was a bad one." "It was Ladies'Night at the Crab Shack which meant me and" "Randy were using some of our best moves." "Hi, I'm Randy." "Are you drunk enough to go home with me ?" "Yep." "You got great boobs, Peggy." "My name's Didi." "You got great boobs, Didi." "Your mama sure raised a sweet-talker." "Everything seemed normal... until the next morning." "I'm going to make us some coffee." "But when Didi got out of bed, one of her legs didn't go with her." "Oh, my God !" "Oh... oh, my God." "Do you want me to whip up some eggs ?" "Shut up." "I'm thinking." "I mean, sure." "Earl, can you come in here and give me a hand ?" "A hand ?" "There's a hand...?" "I wanted out of there fast, but I had paid for Didi's drinks all night, and I thought I deserved a refund." "Earl, do you mind...?" "You son of a bitch !" "Wait." "Stand back." "Stand back." "You said you loved me !" "Everyone, can I get your attention, please ?" "I'd like to give a toast to my son." "The man of the hour." "Stand up, Earl." "I am so proud of the man you've become." "I never would have expected my dad to be the one who finally turned my night around." "Because, boy, you were a pain in the ass." "Turns out he wasn't." "Remember the time you almost got me divorced ?" "Dad wasn't always in a good mood when he came home from work." "Earl, get your feet off the table." "I said get'em off." "They're not on the table." "Look." "Yeah ?" "Well, let's see you put your feet on it now." "Oh, you think that's funny ?" "Enjoy your cartoons now." "Man, your dad is a jerk." "I thought my dad was a jerk, too." "In fact, I wished Dad was more like my friend Eric's mom." "Oh, hi, babies." "How are you ?" "Oh, you are so handsome all of you, like little men." "Oh, no, no, no, don't move your feet, don't move your feet." "Now, let's see..." "This little piggy went to the market..." "And this little piggy went..." "He went somewhere else." "Hey, why are we not dancing ?" "Oh !" "Your mom is so cool." "I didn't get how drinking made Eric's mom so happy." "My dad drank, too, but he never wanted to dance." "Then I saw she had a secret formula." "Did you tell your brother he could eat all of the pigs out of the blankets ?" "What are we supposed to do with all these blankets ?" "Our friends are going to think we're so poor we can't afford the pigs." "Even at his own anniversary party, Dad was grouchy." "But, luckily, I stole some pills from Eric's mom." "A little while later, my dad went from unhappy to a little too happy." "Uh-oh, there's a goose on the loose." "Hey, everybody, what do you say we have ourselves a little key party ?" "Kay's wanted to be with a black man ever since she saw Roots." "Hey, come on, Perry, come over here." "Cough up some keys." "I want to get a shot at your fine wife." "No, wait." "No fat chicks." "Just kidding." "I love fat chicks." "Mini quiche ?" "I slept on the the couch for a week after that party." "That's when my back problems started." "Thanks for that one, too, son." "My celebration had turned into the birthday that wouldn't end." "And Earl left me with one turntable and no microphone." "It's on the list." "Then he made a wish and threw a penny in my hole." "165, and I'll never drink cinnamon schnapps again." "Stole my left front hubcap, he stole my right front hubcap, he slept with my sister, he stole my right rear hubcap..." "I got to get some air." "He stole my left windshield wiper, he stole my right windshield wiper, stole the pine tree air freshener." "I wasn't just getting air, I was going home." "I'd had enough." "I realized I'd been wrong to expect everyone to make a big fuss about me and my list." "Well, I guess the only person that was going to pat me on the backwas me." "And then I saw the last person in the world I wanted to see come hopping towards me." "Earl ?" "Unbelievable." "Hi, Didi." "Uh, I was going to call you." "Wait." "You son of a bitch." "Oh, come on." "Surprise !" "Happy birthday !" "Happy birthday !" "Surprise, Earl." "It was all a prank." "Yeah, we thought tricking you would be funny, like when you tied that rope to my foot." "But instead of rope, it was mean words about things you've done that made you want to hate yourself." "Well, it worked." "It was all my idea." "You got to admit, it was funny." "I mean, come on." "We were about to let you in on it, but you went off with your panties in a wad." "Happy birthday." "What are you doing ?" "Crossing off the key party incident." "Nobody knew what to get you for your birthday." "Yeah, they stopped making those flannel shirts in 1991." "So we figured the best idea was we each pick a thing and cross it off your list." "Randy, cross off the piddle on the rug one for me, would you ?" "You've done a lot of good things this past year." "We're real proud of you, son." "I-I-I don't know what to say." "Hey, Earl, can I give you your cake now ?" "The wind from the bullet hole in the wall keeps blowing out the candle." "Don't forget to make a wish." "Earl, open the door !" "Is Didi in on this ?" "No." "I had tried to make up to Didi before, and I will again, but tonight was not the time." "So what I wished for was for Didi to go away." "And after 30 minutes of waiting  and a brick through the El Camino window..." "She's gone." "Now's who's ready to get this party started right ?" "This was exactly the way I pictured my birthday happening." "Except how Dad was freakin'on Mom." "And like all my birthdays, I eventually got drunk enough to break-dance." "Go, Earl, go, Earl." "It's your birthday, it's your birthday." "Go, Earl, go, Earl." "It's your birthday, it's your birthday." "Go, Earl, go, Earl." "It's your birthday, it's your birthday." "Go, Earl, go, Earl." "It's your birthday, it's your birthday."