"Good for you, Pete." "Good for you." "(S N EEZES)" "BILL Y BUSH ON T.V. :" "Access Hol lywood sp otligh t on sexy crime figh ter Sarah Marshall." "Hi, everyb ody, welcome to Access H o I lywood." "I'm Billy Bush." "Each week, m illio ns o f viewers lo ve to watch" "Ms Marsh all's b rainy sexp o t ch aracter, Maddy S tark, alo ngside Billy Baldwin 's dark and b ro oding, h ard-to-lo ve lead detective, H un ter Rush." "And th is isn ' t yo ur jurisdictio n." "I just m ade it my jurisdictio n." "Can yo u say "catfigh t"?" "BUSH :" "O ff-screen, Sarah c osies up to her s uccessful c o mp oser b oyfriend, Peter Bretter." "He 's n o h o useh o ld n ame, yet Bretter's dark and o m in o us sc o re h as set the to ne fo r th is grues o me j uggern aut." "T ake a lo o k." "Wh at do yo u th in k?" "(RUSH S C O FFS)" "I th in k it 's g o n n a be h ard fo r her to re-en ter the pagean t with o ut a face." "(CAMERAS CLICKING)" "BUSH :" "L o o ks like the sky's the lim it fo r th is ado rab le c o up le." "Anyth ing c o uld h appen." "(S I N G I N G) We g o t to do s o meth ing We g o t to do s o meth ing" "Befo re Mo ther Earth gets any m o re h urt" "We g o t to do s o meth ing" "BUSH :" "We leave yo u to n igh t with the newest sm ash single fro m In fan t S o rro w." "Lead singer and n o to rio us lo th ario, Aldo us Sn o w, begs us to ch ange in h is en viro n men tal an them, W e've G ot to Do S o m et h i n g." "I h ope, fo r o nce, we all hear the message." "G o od n igh t." "Mr Prime Min ister and Mr Presiden t Y o u better see th at it's n o t o n ly me" "No, a m o b is rising in size And they've been dying to scream" "(P H O N E Rl N G I N G)" "H ey, baby." "J u st wo rki n g." "S al ad." "O h, yeah." "Y eah, yeah, yeah." "T otal ly." "I d i d n 't real i se t h at yo u we re g o n n a be back so early." "G reat." "I ' I I see yo u i n a b it." "O kay, bye." "It's time to do something" "Someone sh o uld do something We go t to do something" "And that someone is yo u and yo u And yo u and yo u" "I pray it ain 't all lost and gone" "I pray we migh t learn righ t from wrong" "And I pray this broken day will n o t last to o long" "H ey, yo u g ot h e re fast." "I g ot a s u rp ri se fo r yo u." "Pete r, as yo u kn ow," "I I ove yo u ve ry m u ch." "Are yo u b reaki n g u p wit h m e?" " Pete, are yo u..." " I j u st n eed a m i n ute." "O kay." "(W H I M P E RS)" "(B REAT H I N G D E E P LY)" "P I ease d o n 't g o." "W hy d o n 't yo u j u st p ut o n so m e cl ot h es, an d we can s it d own an d d i scu ss t h i s." "N o." "I can 't d o anyt h i n g ri g ht n ow." "I ' m so so rry, Pete." "I ' m i n I ove wit h yo u." "W hy d o n 't yo u j u st p ut so m e cl ot h es o n, o kay?" "I ' m n ot g o i n g to g o p ut cl ot h es o n." "I kn ow wh at t h at m ean s, i f I p ut cl ot h es o n, it' s ove r." "O kay?" "Excu se m e." "Let' s tal k." "Let' s tal k abo ut h i m." "I fee I..." "I 've bee n fee I i n g fo r a I o n g t i m e t h at we've bee n g rowi n g apart." "W e' re I ead i n g d i ffe re nt I ives." "W h o' s t h e d u d e?" "W h o' s t h e d u d e?" "W h at?" "N o, t h at' s n ot wh at t h i s i s abo ut." "T h e re' s n o o n e e I se." "I kn ow wh at' s h ap pe n i n g h e re." "I real ly d o." "Y o u 've bee n wo rki n g so m u ch I ate ly, t h at we h ave n 't g ot to s pe n d m u ch t i m e tog et h e r, an d yo u ' re fo rg ett i n g wh at it' s I i ke to be wit h m e." "B ut m aybe, i f we j u st h e I d each ot h e r o r so m et h i n g, yo u wo u I d re m e m be r wh at it' s I i ke to be wit h m e." " N o." "J u st h o I d m e." "P I ease." "H e re we g o." "T h e re' s so m eo n e e I se." "I ' m so rry." "(LO U N G E M U S I C P LAY I N G)" "W e d o n 't h an g o ut i n p I aces I i ke t h i s, L i z an d l." "W hy d i d yo u take m e h e re?" "T h i s p I ace s m e I I s I i ke st ri p pe r' s pe rfu m e." "I ' m g o n n a g et h e rpes j u st fro m s itt i n g o n t h i s co u ch." "S u re yo u o kay, b ro?" "Y eah?" "Y eah." "Y eah." "Y o u d o n 't h ave to kee p as ki n g m e." "I ' m g ood." " Yo u 're o ut!" " Thank yo u so m uch for this opp ortunity." "Au f W i ed e rse h e n!" "Au f W i ed e rse h e n!" "MAN ON T.V. :" "Thank yo u." "Thank yo u all." "(C RY I N G) A uf Wiedersehen!" "I u sed a co n d o m, b ut" "I ' m real ly scared t h at I h ave an S T D, Doc." "Pete r, I ' m a paed i at ri ci an." "H ave yo u n ot i ced yo u ' re s itt i n g o n a fi re t ru ck?" " Ri g ht." " L itt I e ki d s ru n n i n g?" "Y eah, t h i s i s n ew." "I I i ke it." " I ' m ki n d of backed u p..." "Co u I d yo u take a I oo k at my pe n i s?" "G o ah ead." "Let m e see it." "S o rry." "T h at' s al I ri g ht." "T ake it o ut." "G ood." "Y o u bare ly I oo ked at it." " lt' s a g ood" " I oo ki n g d i ck, Pete r." " Beaut i fu I d i ck." " Do yo u t h i n k m aybe wh i I e I ' m h e re," " I co u I d g et so m e b I ood wo rk?" " Pete r!" "Y o u r g i rl fri e n d d u m ped yo u, ri g ht?" "Are yo u h u rt i n g?" "Are yo u h u rt?" "H i." " H i." " H i." "H i." " H i." " H i." "O kay, d o yo u m i n d n ot sayi n g t h at ove r an d ove r ag ai n?" "Y o u can g ag m e." "Y o u b ro u g ht a g ag?" "An d h an d cu ffs." "Do yo u wan n a g ag m e?" "Ki n d of, n ow." "W h at've we g ot tod ay?" "J u st a wal k an d tal k at t h e I ab." "Th at's wh at 20 years o n Vice will do to yo u." "Wh at've we g o t here?" "The victim 's pen is was fo und beh ind the A C un it." "O uch!" "Can yo u say "dicksicle "?" "Let's do th is." "O kay, I ' m ready." "The victim 's pen is was fo und beh ind the A C un it." "(P LAY I N G U P B EAT M E LO DY)" "J u st g o wit h t h e u s u al st u ff, m aybe." "S o m et h i n g d ark an d o m i n o u s." "L i ke I os i n g yo u r pe n i s i s a bad t h i n g." "O h, yo u want d ark an d o m i n o u s." "Co m e o n, I g ot Al I m an B rot h e r t i ckets, I g otta g et o ut of h e re!" "Th at's wh at 20 years o n Vice will do to yo u." "Wh at've we g o t here?" "P ete r!" "P ete r, J es u s C h ri st!" "Y o u ' re fu cki n g B i I ly Bal dwi n, are n 't yo u?" "Are n 't yo u?" " P ete, P ete, Pete." "Sto p stari n g at m e." " Pete!" "W h at are yo u b u rn i n g, m an?" "Co m e o n." "It' s eve ryt h i n g." "It' s eve ryt h i n g t h at re m i n d s m e of h e r an d I n eed it g o n e!" "O kay, I t h o u g ht I was fi n e, B ri an, an d I ' m n ot." "I ' m n ot fi n e at al l." "O kay, I et' s j u st p ut t h e p i ct u re d own." "P ut t h at d own." "Let' s d i scu ss t h i s." " I I ove h e r, m an." " I kn ow." "Loo k, L i z an d l, we t h i n k t h e wo rl d of S arah." "W e t h i n k s h e' s g reat." "O kay, b ut eve ryt h i n g..." "I ' m j u st be i n g h o n est h e re." "Eve ry t i m e s h e wo u I d co m e ove r to o u r h o u se, s h e always acted," "yo u kn ow, I i ke a I itt I e b itch!" "O kay, o kay, p u m p t h e b rakes." "Dat i n g S arah i s n ot I i ke d at i n g L i z." "O kay?" "S arah i s bette r t h an L i z." "Y o u real ly wan n a h ave t h i s co nve rsat i o n?" "Do yo u real ly wan n a h ave t h i s co nve rsat i o n?" "Y es." "S h e i s t h e m ot h e r of my u n bo rn ch i I d." "S o rry." "Y o u ' re my ste p b rot h e r." "W e' re n ot eve n b I ood." "I h ave n o q u al m s wit h st i cki n g yo u." "I wi I I eq u al i ze yo u." "S o rry." "Y o u d i ck!" "I ' m j u st wo rked u p." "Y o u g otta g et yo u r s h it tog et h e r, m an." "I ' m t ryi n g to." "It' s so h ard h e re." "B ri an, eve rywh e re I I oo k, I ' m re m i n d ed of h e r, o kay?" "L i ke, s h e g ot m e t h i s, o kay, becau se I wo u I d always I eave my ce real boxes o pe n, an d t h e ce real wo u I d g et stal e," "an d so o n e d ay I cam e h o m e, an d s h e h ad t h i s wait i n g fo r m e, becau se it kee ps my ce real fres h." "An d n ow I h ave t h e fres h est ce real." "W hy d o n 't yo u, yo u kn ow wh at, g o o n a vacat i o n?" "G o to t h e Al ps." "Al ps?" "G o to G staad." "It' s t h e best." "I co u I d g o to H awai i." "S arah was always tal ki n g abo ut t h i s p I ace i n H awai i t h at was s u p posed to be n i ce." "N o, d o n 't." "I wo u I d n 't g o t h e re." "W h at, I can 't g o to H awai i n ow, becau se S arah M ars h al I h as h eard of H awai i?" "T h e n g o to H awai i." "G o to H awai i." "Do it." "(M U M B L I N G)" "N o, n o, n o, d o n 't d est roy t h e co m p ute r." "I ' m j u st d e I et i n g t h ese p i ct u res." "O kay, I n eed t h e m off my co m p ute r." "Y o u kn ow wh at?" "Y o u ' re n ot eve n d o i n g a p ro pe r pe rm an e nt d e I ete." "W e I l..." "I f we e n d u p g ett i n g back tog et h e r, I wan n a h ave a few of t h e m I eft." "Y o u ' re crazy." "Aloha!" "C h eck i n t h i s way." "J u st m arri ed?" "Y es, h ow d i d yo u g u ess?" "O h, yo u 've g ot t h at m ag i c n ewlywed d u st al I ove r yo u." "O h, my wi fe." "O h, my h u s ban d." "O h, my wi fe." " My h u s ban d." "My o I d bal I an d ch ai n." "Y o u q u it sq u i rm i n g an d co m e h e re." "W h at i s i nto yo u?" "N ot m e, yet." "H e re i s yo u r roo m key." "S o yo u ' re al I set." "Roo m 2 2 2." "Roo m key' s i n s i d e, an d t h e e I evato rs are to t h e ri g ht." "Mahalo." "Co n g rat u I at i o n s." "H e re yo u g o, s i r." "H ave so m e POG j u i ce." "W e I co m e to T u rt I e Bay." "W h at can I d o fo r yo u?" "I ' m ch ecki n g i n." "My n am e' s B rette r, Pete r B rette r, b ut act u al ly, I d o n 't h ave a rese rvat i o n." "I j u st t h o u g ht I ' d take my ch an ces." "Bo I d!" "W e are al I boo ked u p, b ut we d o h ave t h e Kap u a s u ite avai I ab I e." "O kay." "H ow m u ch i s t h at?" "$6, 000 a n i g ht." "W ow." " Beaut i fu I vi ews." "I can i m ag i n e." "T h at' s a I itt I e b it o ut of my p ri ce ran g e." "S o rry." "T h at' s a s h am e." "T h i s i s a beaut i fu l h ote I." "O h, yeah, it' s S arah M ars h al l fro m Crime Scene." "Peo p I e are excited t h at s h e' s h e re." "S h e' s my ex-g i rl fri e n d." "W e b ro ke u p t h ree wee ks ag o." " I ' m so rry, s i r." " Ri g ht." "T h i s i s fi n e, ri g ht?" "S i r?" " lt' s total ly fi n e." "O kay, t h e re s h e i s." " D i d s h e see m e?" "I s s h e co m i n g ove r h e re?" " U h - h u h." "Y u p." "I wi s h I was n 't weari n g t h i s fu cki n g s h i rt." "Fai r e n o u g h." "W hy d o n 't yo u t ry to u n b utto n it?" "B utto n it back u p." " Pete r!" " H ey." " H i." "W h at are yo u d o i n g h e re?" "Cam e h e re to m u rd e r yo u." "Real ly, wh at are yo u d o i n g h e re?" "I h ave bee n h avi n g a to u g h t i m e, yo u kn ow, back i n LA." "B ut t h e n I cam e h e re, an d h e re yo u are." "I j u st t h i n k t h at' s too crazy to be..." "H e I I o t h e re, yo u I itt I e sex o bj ect." "I 've I ost a s h oe." "H ave yo u see n it anywh e re?" "It' s I i ke t h i s o n e, b ut, yo u kn ow, o bvi o u s ly it' s t h e o p pos ite o n e." "Excu se m e, m i ss u s, I 've I ost a s h oe." "L i ke t h i s o n e." "It' s I i ke t h i s o n e' s fe I I ow." "S o rt of t h e exact o p pos ite, i n fact, of t h at." " RAC H E L :" "U h - h u h." "N ot an evi I ve rs i o n, b ut j u st, yo u kn ow, a s h oe I i ke t h i s, b ut fo r t h e ot h e r foot." "Ot h e rwi se, I ' d h ave two ri g ht..." "Al d o u s, t h i s i s Pete r." "H ey, al I ri g ht, Pete r." "N i ce to m eet yo u, m ate." "Al d o u s." "G ood to m eet yo u, m an." " My ex- boyfri e n d." "Ri g ht." "H ey, I ' m Al d o u s S n ow." "I kn ow wh o yo u are." "Y eah, yo u ' re ve ry, ve ry fam o u s." "Y eah, I am." "I am fo r my s i n s." "S o are yo u stayi n g h e re, as we I I?" " I ' m n ot, as a m atte r of fact..." " I ' m so rry." "Excu se m e, M r B rette r, M s M ars h al l, b ut we we re ab I e to boo k t h e Kap u a s u ite fo r yo u, s i r, fo r fo u r n i g hts." "N o body can." "It' s fo r, I i ke, O p rah o r, I i ke, Cé I i n e D i o n." "Real ly, it' s n ot a b i g d eal." "S o yo u can stay i n t h e s u ite, b ut s i n ce yo u ' re n ot tech n i cal ly a g u est, yo u h ave to cl ean u p afte r yo u rse I f." "Ot h e rwi se, h e re i s yo u r roo m key an d e nj oy yo u r stay." "W hy are yo u d o i n g t h i s fo r m e?" "S h e' s h e re wit h so m e g uy al ready?" "Ki n d of m essed u p." " Ri g ht?" "Y eah." "T h an k yo u." " Real ly, it' s n ot a b i g d eal." "G o e nj oy yo u rse I f." "Rach e I J an se n." "A t h o u san d t i m es, t h an k yo u," "yo u kn ow wh at I m ean..." "G o e nj oy yo u rse I f." "yo u kn ow wh at I m ean..." "G o e nj oy yo u rse I f." "T h i s i s a d i saste r!" "BRIAN ON PHONE:" "Calm do wn, man." "Are there o ther h o tels on the island?" "(W H I S P E Rl N G) Of co u rse t h e re are ot h e r h ote I s, b ut I ' m n ot I eavi n g h e re, it' I I I oo k I i ke I ' m ru n n i n g away." "W ait." "W hy are yo u wh i s pe ri n g?" "Y o u ' re n ot fo I I owl n g t h e m, are yo u?" "I h ad a g i rl fri e n d, ri g ht?" "An d L i am an d N oe I G al I ag h e r bot h h ad it off wit h h e r ri g ht i n fro nt of m e, so t h at' s s i m i I ar." "An d t h at was a b it awkward, act u al ly." "S o i f yo u d o wan n a ch an g e h ote I s, I q u ite u n d e rstan d." "N o, n o, I ' m n ot ch an g i n g h ote I s." "Sto p fo I I owl n g an d j u st g o back to yo u r roo m, Pete r." " They're gone!" " Why are yo u lo oking for them?" " I d o n 't kn ow." " Yo u 're acting like an idio t." "Run!" "Get o ut o f there!" "Go to yo ur ro om!" "W h at d o yo u t h i n k t h ey' re d o i n g?" "Peter, go." "O h, G od!" "O kay, t h e re t h ey are." "T h e re t h ey are, I see t h e m." "Go back to yo ur ro om, Peter." "Pete r, g o back to yo u r roo m." "G o back to yo u r roo m, Pete r." "I ' m g o i n g i n." "Go back to yo ur ro om, Peter." "Are yo u listening to me?" "Peter, go back to yo ur ro om." "Peter, Peter, Peter..." "Hey!" "(C L EARS T H ROAT)" "H ey, n i ce roo m." "BRIAN O N PHO NE :" "G o!" "I am i n t h e Kap u a s u ite." "Wh at are yo u do ing?" "S ucker!" "H ave fu n." "Listen, yo u p iece o f sh it!" "Y o u 're an idio t." "Back to yo ur ro o m, Peter." "Peter, back to yo ur ro o m." "(PETER S O BS O N PHO NE)" "D i d yo u e nj oy t h at?" " D i d yo u I i ke wh at yo u saw?" " Th at h urt a lo t." "B ut I kn ow S arah, an d I ' m p retty s u re I j u st ru i n ed h e r d ay." "(S C REAM I N G)" "Y o u kn o w h o w we th o ugh t the killer m asturbated befo re he c o m m itted each h o m icide?" "Th at's the theo ry." "T ake a lo o k at the m icrosc ope." "O h, yeah, lo o ks like where he 's g o ing, he 'll need to kn o w h o w to m asturbate." "(C RY I N G)" "(P H O N E Rl N G I N G)" "(S N I F F L I N G)" "O h, G od!" " H e I l o." "RA CHEL O N PHO NE :" "Hey, Peter?" "S arah?" "No." "It' s Rach e I J an se n, fro m t h e fro nt d es k." " H ey!" "Hey, wh at's g o ing o n up there?" "I ' m g ett i n g co m p I ai nts abo ut a wo m an cryi n g hyste ri cal ly." "Y eah, yo u kn ow wh at, I h ear h e r, too, an d it so u n d s I i ke s h e' s h avi n g s u ch a h ard t i m e." "I t h i n k it' s co m i n g fro m t h e fl oo r above m e." "Y o u ' re o n t h e to p fl oo r." "I ' I I t ry to kee p it d own." "Are yo u okay?" "Y eah, yo u h ave a n i ce n i g ht." "Okay." "(C RY I N G)" "I wo u I d I ove to se I I yo u so m e weed, J e re my, b ut I ' m at my fu cki n g j o b ri g ht n ow." "O bvi o u s ly, becau se yo u cal I ed m e at wo rk, yo u kn ow t h at I ' m at my p I ace of wo rk." "S o I can 't j u st I eave h e re an d se I I yo u so m e weed." "I can se I I yo u so m e weed wh e n I ' m d o n e." "H o I d o n, I g otta cal I yo u back." "Mahalo, al I ri g ht." " H ey, h ow' s it g o i n g?" " H ey." "I ' d j u st I i ke to g rab so m e d i n n e r, p I ease." "O kay, g reat." "I s yo u r wi fe g o n n a m eet yo u?" " N o." "Y o u r g i rl fri e n d?" "N o, I d o n 't h ave a g i rl fri e n d." "Y o u ' re j u st by yo u rse I f?" "Y eah." "S u cks." "O kay, so j u st o n e." "H e re' s yo u r wi n e I i st an d yo u r m e n u." "Co m e o n." "Do yo u want, I i ke, a m ag az i n e o r so m et h i n g?" "It' s g o n n a be bo ri n g i f yo u ' re j u st s itt i n g by yo u rse I f." "I ' I I be al I ri g ht." "T h an k yo u." "I j u st wo u I d be so d e p ressed." "Y eah." " H e re yo u g o." "T h an k yo u." "T h e best t h i n g i s, yo u h ave t h e g reatest tab I e i n t h e h o u se." "O h, yeah?" "T h at' s Al d o u s S n ow ri g ht t h e re." "I kn ow." "I kn ow, d u d e." "I kn ow." " I ' m g o n n a as k h i m." "I ' I I as k h i m po I ite ly." " N o, p I ease d o n 't, p I ease." "(EXC LAl M S)" "M ate!" "W hy d o n 't yo u co m e ove r an d s it wit h u s?" "Y o u ' I I be ve ry we I co m e." "N o, t h an k yo u." "I n eed a d ri n k." "W o u I d yo u g uys I i ke a d ri n k?" "W e I I, n o, act u al ly, becau se..." "S eve n years cl ean." "T h at' s wh at t h i s tattoo d e n otes." "S eve n years free fro m d ru g s an d al co h o l." "I f I h ave j u st o n e s i p of wi n e, by t h e e n d of t h e eve n i n g, I ' I I be, I i ke, ri m m i n g waite rs fo r t h e i r t i ps" "j u st to g et m e h an d s o n a rock." "Y o u kn ow wh at I m ean?" "N asty." " MATT H EW : (C H U C KL I N G) I h eard t h at." " H ey, wh at' s u p, m an?" "H ow are yo u e nj oyi n g yo u r veg etab I e m ed I ey?" "It' s m u n d an e." "It i s m u n d an e." "It' s g reat, I kn ow." "W i I I yo u m arry m e?" "O h, my G od." "O h, my G od." "Y es!" "S h e sai d yes!" " Beaut i fu l." "Co n g rat u I at i o n s!" "(P EO P L E AL L AP P LAU D I N G)" "(S QU EAL I N G)" "I ' m so excited!" "O h, my G od!" "O h, my G od!" "Pete r!" "W h at' s u p?" "Are yo u d o i n g o kay?" "Y eah." "Y eah, I ' m g ood." "Loo k, d i d yo u fo I I ow m e h e re?" "D i d my ass i stant te I I yo u I was co m i n g?" " N o." " D i d yo u tal k to h e r?" "N o, I d i d n 't tal k to yo u r ass i stant." "It' s n ot al I abo ut yo u, yo u kn ow." "H awai i i s a beaut i fu I p I ace." "Peo p I e co m e h e re, u s u al ly n ot to fo I I ow yo u." "S o yo u ' re real ly stayi n g?" "Y o u ' re g o n n a stay?" "Y eah, I t h i n k so." "I real ly I i ke it h e re." "I fee I at h o m e h e re." "I j u st I ove it." "Y eah, yo u s h o u I d stay." "I ap p reci ate yo u r co n s i d e rat i o n." "S o u n d s I i ke Al d o u s p ro bab ly s h ared a I ot of n eed I es, so t h an k yo u fo r d at i n g h i m afte r m e." " I ap p reci ate t h at." " H m m." " H o pe yo u h ave a real ly g ood t i m e h e re." " H ave a g reat d i n n e r." "T h an k yo u." "G ro u p i e wh o re." "Psych o stal ke r." "Y o u kn ow wh at?" "It' s vacat i o n." "I t h i n k I ' I I j u st take a p i ñ a co I ad a, p I ease." "Loo k at t h i s g uy." "Loo k at t h i s g uy." "N ot u s, b u d dy." "Ri g ht?" "N ot u s." "I ' m o n Sex and the City." "W h at' s u p, M i ran d a?" "I ' m S am ant h a." "I h ave sex wit h eve ryo n e." "M aybe it' s a g ood t h i n g t h at t h ey' re h e re." "Y o u kn ow wh at I m ean?" "M aybe t h i s i s a ch al I e n g e fro m G od fo r m e to fo rg et h e r." "Y o u kn ow?" "O r m aybe it' s a s i g n fro m G od t h at yo u s h o u I d be wit h h e r." "I I ove h e r s h ow." "W h e n t h ey m ix t h e sexu al ity an d t h e vi o I e n ce, I I i ke it." "W h at t h e h e I I i s wro n g wit h yo u two?" "Y o u g otta m ove o n." "I h ear yo u say t h at, b ut it' s n ot t h at easy." "It' s t h at easy." "P ro m i se yo u it i s." "I I ived i n S o ut h Ce nt ral." "S o ut h Ce nt ral." "An d I h ated it." "T h at' s why I m oved to Oah u." "N ow I can n am e yo u ove r 200 d i ffe re nt ki n d s of fi s h." " N o, yo u can 't." "O h, yes, I can." " Do it." "Y eah, yo u can n ot." "G. G h ost p i pefi s h, g ri I I fi s h, g oal e r fi s h g ro u pe r fi s h, g ree n back..." "W h at' s t h e state fi s h of H awai i?" "H u m u h u m u n u ku n u ku ap u a' a." "Y eah, b itch." " H ey." "Y o u ready?" "Y eah, j u st g o n n a cl ose u p." "H e I I o, M r B rette r, M r B rayd e n." "W h e re' s yo u r wi fe, s i r?" "S h e i s i n bed." "H ow are t h i n g s g o i n g wit h t h e I ady?" "N ot aweso m e." "S h e' s co m p I i cated, I i ke The Da Vinci C ode, yo u kn ow, b ut h ard e r to crack." "B ut I i fe i s fu I I of I esso n s." "Y o u I earn so m et h i n g n ew eve ry d ay." "W o n d e r wh at I ' m g o i n g to I earn to m o rrow." "W e I l." "G ood n i g ht, s i r." "G ood n i g ht." "G ood n i g ht, s i r." "Off to fi n d t h e myt h i cal cl ito ri s." "S o, Pete r, we re yo u ab I e to g et t h at cryi n g I ady o ut of yo u r roo m?" "' Cau se I co u I d se n d so m eo n e u p, i f yo u want." "O h, yo u co u I d?" "Y eah." "T h at' s ve ry fu n ny." "It i s." "W e I I, I i ste n, S arah M ars h al I S h ow s u cks." "W h o cares?" "I d o t h e m u s i c fo r t h at p rog ram m e." "D i d I m e nt i o n t h at t h e m u s i c rocks?" "T h at' s ve ry sweet of yo u." "T h at' s ve ry sweet of yo u to say." "Y o u d o n 't h ave to say t h at, t h o u g h." "It' s n ot m u s i c." "T h e re' s n o m e I ody, it' s j u st to n es." "J u st d ark, o m i n o u s to n es." "" T h e m ast u rbat i n g d og ki I I e r i s o n t h e I oose ag ai n." "" H e' I I ki I I t h e own e r, b ut at I east t h e d og s are h ap py. "" "(S N I C KE RS)" "(l M I T AT I N G KEY BOARD)" "I ' m n o Al d o u s S n ow, I g u ess, yo u kn ow." "(S I N G I N G D RU N KE N LY) Time to start the m usic" "All g o n n a ligh t the ligh t" "Yeah, yeah, g o n n a get th ings started o n T h e M u p pet S h ow to n igh t" "(C RY I N G)" "W h i p ped cream o r be rry?" "W h i p ped cream." "H e re we are, s i r." "H ave a wo n d e rfu I b reakfast." "W h at a I ove ly tab I e, so cl ose to t h e b u ffet." "I ' m g I ad yo u I i ke it." "Mah alo." "G ood m o rn i n g, s i r." "Can I start yo u wit h anyt h i n g?" "O ran g e j u i ce, coffee?" "W h at abo ut, I i ke, so m e p i n eap p I e j u i ce wit h a I itt I e b it of ru m o n t h e s i d e." "Of co u rse." "I I i ke yo u r styl e." "Cocktai I g uy." "T h an k yo u." "Y o u are we I co m e." "W e've al ready rese rved t h e sea kayak fo r n oo n." "H o n ey, I kn ow t h at, b ut yo u kn ow t h at I wanted to see..." " H ey." "H e I I o t h e re, fri e n d." " H ey." "H ow are yo u g uys?" "H ow was yo u r eve n i n g?" "G reat." "Aweso m e." " I can 't fee I anyt h i n g." "Al I ri g ht." " Does t h at fee I g ood?" " I st i I I can 't fee I anyt h i n g." "O kay, ' cau se it h u rts m e." "W o u I d yo u d o t h at fo r m e?" "Y eah." "Y eah." " N o, n o, n o." "N o." "G od p ut o u r m o ut h s o n o u r h ead fo r a reaso n." "N o!" " I ' m g o i n g to t h e bat h roo m." "O kay." " I s eve ryt h i n g o kay wit h..." "W affl es." " H e re yo u g o, s i r." "B reakfast of ch am p i o n s." "O h, t h an k yo u." "An d d o n 't te I I anybody, b ut..." "A I itt I e ext ra I ove fo r yo u." "T h an k yo u." "T ake it easy." "Y o u, too." "(CAM E RA C L I C Kl N G)" "W h at' s yo u r n am e?" " I ' m Pete r." " Pete r." "Y eah." " I ' m g o n n a g ive yo u a H awai i an n am e." "O h, g reat." "Pe p i o p i." "G reat." " Pe p i o p i, I oo ks I i ke yo u 've g ot a I itt I e pai n be h i n d t h ose eyes." "Y eah, m aybe a I itt I e." "T h e re' s real ly o n ly o n e cu re fo r t h at." "W h at' s t h at?" "W eed." "Y o u g ot any?" " N o." "W e I I, t h e n I et' s g o s u rfi n g." "O kay, wh e n we' re o ut t h e re, I want yo u to i g n o re yo u r i n st i n cts." "I ' m g o n n a be yo u r i n st i n cts." "Koo n u wi I I be yo u r i n st i n cts." "Do n 't d o anyt h i n g." "Do n 't t ry to s u rf, d o n 't d o it." "T h e I ess yo u d o, t h e m o re yo u d o." "Let' s see yo u po p u p." "Po p it u p!" "T h at' s n ot it at al l." "Do I ess." "G et d own." "T ry I ess." "Do it ag ai n." "Po p u p." "N o, too s I ow." "Do I ess." "Po p u p." "Po p u p." "Y o u ' re d o i n g too m u ch." "Do I ess." "Po p d own." "Po p u p n ow." "Sto p!" "G et d own." "G et d own t h e re." "Re m e m be r, d o n 't d o anyt h i n g." "N ot h i n g." "Po p u p." "W e I I, yo u..." "N o, yo u g otta d o m o re t h an t h at, ' cau se yo u ' re j u st I ayi n g ri g ht o ut." "It I oo ks I i ke yo u ' re boog i e- board i n g." "J u st d o it." "Fee I it." "Po p u p." "Y eah." "T h at was n 't q u ite it, b ut we' re g o n n a fi g u re it o ut, o ut t h e re." "Let' s g o s u rfi n g, co m e o n." "Eve rybody' s I earn i n g h ow, co m e o n an d... (S I N G I N G) The weather o utside is weather" "H ow I o n g yo u I ived o ut h e re?" "M an, I d o n 't kn ow." "I q u it weari n g a watch wh e n I m oved o ut h e re." "W ow, t h at' s so coo l." "Y eah." "N o, I i ke my ce I I p h o n e h as a cl ock o n it, so I d o n 't real ly n eed it." "Ri g ht, so it' s bas i cal ly t h e sam e t h i n g." " H ow o I d are yo u?" " I d o n 't real ly be I i eve i n ag e o r n u m be rs, yo u kn ow, I d o n 't..." "I m ean, i f yo u h ad to p ut a n u m be r o n it," "I g u ess I ' d be 44." "F u ck!" "T h an ks fo r taki n g m e o ut h e re." "T h i s i s t h e fi rst t i m e I 've fe It g ood i n t h ree wee ks o r so." "Y o u n eed to g et back o n t h at board i s wh at yo u n eed to d o." "Y eah?" " H ey, h e re' s t h e d eal." "W h e n I i fe g ives yo u I e m o n s, j u st say, " F u ck t h e I e m o n s, " an d bai l." "Y eah." "N o." "Y o u sai d it, total ly." "Y o u g otta j u st p u I I yo u rse I f u p by yo u r wets u it, g et back o n t h at board..." "H ey, I oo k, m an, i f yo u ' re attacked by a s h ark, are yo u g o n n a g ive u p s u rfi n g?" "P ro bab ly, yeah." "Let' s g o i n, al I ri g ht." "T acos are o n m e." "Can yo u t ry to I i ste n to wh at I ' m sayi n g to yo u, B ri an?" "I ' m co n fu sed an d I d o n 't kn ow wh at to d o." "What's up with th at hat?" "What are yo u in the B u e n a Vi sta S oci al C I u b?" "T h i s i s a n i ce h at." "Wh at member o f the Brat Pack are yo u?" "Y o u lo o k like o ne o f th ose g uys s uspected o f killing JFK." "T h at' s ve ry fu n ny." "T h at' s g reat." "LIZ:" "T ell h im to m ake friends." "Y o u need to get o ut there and m ake s o me friends, m an." "I s L i z t h e re ri g ht n ow?" "No, n o, she 's n o t in here, b uddy." "I j u st h eard h e r." "She 's g o ne." "W h o are yo u I oo ki n g at?" "Wh at?" "I s s h e st i I I..." "H i, L i z." "No." "I swear o n my m o ther's grave, it..." "O kay, it was Liz." "She wasn 't here the en tire time." "G o o ut and meet peop le." "We meet peop le all the time..." "All the time o n vacatio n." "C o nstan tly." "I 've t ri ed, al I ri g ht, t h e re' s a co u p I e of d u d es h e re, b ut t h ey' re ki n d of we i rd." "Just be friendly." "Iro n yo ur sh irt." "Iro n yo ur sh irt, lo o k sh arp." "Even yo ur T -sh irts." "T h e re i s t h i s g i rl at t h e fro nt d es k wh o' s p retty cute." "O h, yeah." "Y o u kn o w wh at?" "G o h ave an o ther dirty o ne n igh t stand." "Th at wo rked o ut s o well befo re." "W h at d o yo u want fro m m e?" "Y o u j u st to I d m e I n eed to m eet peo p I e." "Ask her o ut." "Maybe th at's wh at he needs, is a reb o und." "BRIAN :" "He 's h ad p len ty o f ch ances fo r reb o unds." "Th is isn 't..." "LIZ:" "Can we get o n the same team here?" "O kay, I'm s o rry." "We 're o n the same team." "S o rry." "LIZ:" "Y o u sh o uld g o o n a date with th is girl." "W e I I, m aybe I ' I I as k h e r o ut t h e n." " Yes." "My wife says s o." "Hey, I 'm in Hawaii, to o!" "LIZ:" "O h, th at 's neat." "Al o h a, b itches!" "T h at ' s ve ry coo l." "(CHANTING)" "T h ey' re n ot N at ive Am e ri can s, B ri an." " B ri..." " Wh at are yo u do ing?" " The luh a." "Is th at righ t?" "O h, yeah." "It' s cal I ed t h e h ula." " L u au?" " N o, h ula." "Y o u 're do ing a I u au?" "(S I N G I N G I N F O RE I G N LAN G U AG E)" " H ey." " H ey." " P ete r." "W ow." "Y o u I oo k beaut i fu l." "I m ean, t h at' s a beaut i fu I d ress." "T h an k yo u." "Y eah." "T h i s' I I be fu n." "Lei?" "M ay I h e I p yo u wit h so m et h i n g e I se, Pete r?" "N o, I ' I I j u st g rab a d ri n k." "I ' m j u st g o n n a h ead i n s i d e." " H ap py 4t h of J u ly!" "T h an k yo u." "Aloha!" "(S P EAKl N G JAP AN ES E)" "Y o u d o n e h e re?" " N o, act u al ly, I j u st sat d own," "I ' m j u st g ett i n g started." "It' s d e I i ci o u s, t h o u g h, t h an k yo u." "I ' I I j u st g o fu ck myse I f." "S o rry, wh at?" "Mahalo." "H i, Pete r." "H ey." "H ey, b ro." " H i." " H ey, al I ri g ht." "Excu se m e." "Excu se m e." "Eve rybody, can I h ave yo u r atte nt i o n fo r o n e seco n d, p I ease." "W e h ave a ve ry s peci al g u est wit h u s h e re, tod ay." "H e i s t h e I ead s i n g e r of t h e ban d, I n fant S o rrow, o n e of my favo u rite m u s i ci an s of al I t i m e." "H e' s so aweso m e." "P I ease, p I ease, I et' s take..." "Let' s see i f we can g et h i m u p h e re, M r Al d o u s S n ow." "P I ease, co m e o n." "S h are yo u r g i ft." "D uty cal I s an d al I t h at." "I ' m t ryi n g to be i n cog n ito, it' s we i rd." "It' s I i ke wo rk to m e, t h i s i s n o fu n." "H ey!" "T h an k yo u!" "AL DO U S :" "T h an k yo u." "W h at a I ove ly i nt rod u ct i o n." "W h at an ecce nt ri c an d co n fi d e nt yo u n g m an." "I ' d I i ke to d ed i cate t h i s so n g to a ve ry beaut i fu I wo m an t h at' s h e re tod ay." "It' s M i ss S arah M ars h al l, t h e re s h e i s." "Loo k at h e r, b I i m ey!" " Ke m o." " Ke m o." "G ood to m eet yo u, m an." "G ood to m eet, yo u, m an." " H ave a bee r." "T h an ks." "T h an k yo u." "S arah M ars h al l." "Y es." "H ow d o yo u kn ow I was d at i n g S arah M ars h al l?" "Dwayn e to I d m e." "C h u ck to I d m e." "Eve n Rach e I to I d m e." "I h eard abo ut it fro m eve rybody." "Y o u g otta sto p tal ki n g abo ut it." "It' s I i ke The Sopran os." "It' s ove r." "F i n d a n ew s h ow." "Y o u n eed a h u g." "Co m e h e re." "O h, t h an k yo u." "Y o u ' re awfu I ly n i ce." "I g otta g o." "I ' m p re p p i n g t h e p i g fo r to m o rrow' s luau." "Y o u s h o u I d co m e an d h e I p m e." "It' I I take yo u r m i n d off of t h i n g s." "Y eah?" "Y o u d o n 't m i n d?" " N o." "I m ean, I m u st say I ' m a p retty g ood coo k." "Al I ri g ht!" "(P I G G RU N T I N G)" "I can 't!" "P I ease d o n 't m ake m e d o t h i s!" "Do it!" "I ' m so rry!" "I ' m so rry!" "KE M O :" "Y o u can sto p cryi n g n ow." "H e' s d ead al ready." "P ET E R:" "I ' m n ot cryi n g." "Y o u s h o u I d sto p cryi n g." "KE M O :" "I d o n 't cry." "I ' m n ot a baby." "P ET E R:" "Real ly?" "' Cau se yo u I oo k I i ke a g i g ant i c baby." "I ' m so rry." "I d i d n 't m ean t h at at al l." "H ey." "L i ste n, wo u I d yo u I i ke to h an g o ut to n i g ht, I i ke, n ot i n an offi ci al h ote I fu n ct i o n?" "Y eah." "T otal ly." "A b u n ch of u s are g o i n g to g o to t h i s, I i ke, I itt I e beach t h i n g afte rward s." "Y o u ' re total ly we I co m e to co m e." "M aybe we co u I d g o tog et h e r?" "Y eah, wh ateve r." "I m ean we d o n 't h ave to, i f yo u d o n 't want to," "I j u st t h o u g ht t h at m aybe..." "N o, I i ste n, yo u d o n 't h ave to m ake t h i s we i rd." "Y o u e it h e r want to g o o r yo u d o n 't." " I wo u I d I ove to." "O kay." "Aweso m e." "W hy d o n 't yo u g o u pstai rs, ch an g e t h at s h i rt, an d I ' I I m eet yo u o ut fro nt i n, I i ke, five?" "T h i s i s so coo l." "Y o u I i ke it?" "S o wh at b ro u g ht yo u to H awai i?" "A d u d e." "Of co u rse." "A s u rfe r d u d e." "Y o u kn ow, WCT, to p 44." "T otal ly." "W e we re tog et h e r fo r two years." "D ro p ped o ut of sch oo l, m oved o ut h e re wit h h i m." "T h ree wee ks I ate r, I cau g ht h i m ch eat i n g o n m e, so I m oved o ut, an d t h at' s t h at." "W h at an ass h o I e." "N o, h e' s j u st a boy." "Y o u eve r t h i n k abo ut g o i n g back h o m e, fi n i s h i n g sch oo l, o r..." "N o." "N o." "I wo rk at t h e h ote I, d oes n 't real ly h ave to be a fut u re i n t h e re." "O kay, my t u rn." "O kay." "S o, h ow d o yo u I i ke writ i n g m u s i c fo r a TV s h ow?" "It' s g reat, yo u kn ow." "Peo p I e are g reat." "It' s g reat to h ave a steady paych eq u e." "It' s..." "I ' m ve ry I u cky." "O h, my G od, yo u h ate it." "I fu cki n g h ate it so m u ch." "S o t h e n, d o so m et h i n g abo ut it." "(S ARCAS T I CAL LY) Excu se m e." "I ' m j u st sayi n g, i f yo u h ate so m et h i n g, ch an g e it." " Do n 't dwe I I." "W e I I, I ' m t ryi n g." "I ' m act u al ly wo rki n g o n a rock o pe ra." "Y eah?" "Y eah." "W h at' s yo u r rock o pe ra abo ut?" "D racu I a." "Y eah, an d ete rn al I ove, yo u kn ow." "T h at' s t h e t h e m e." "B ut I t h i n k t h e two so rt of g o h an d i n h an d, yo u kn ow?" "An d l..." "I h ave t h i s vi s i o n of d o i n g it wit h p u p pets." "(LAU G H S)" "I m ean, h u m an s al so, yo u kn ow." "W hy D racu I a?" "Becau se h e' s a m an I i ke anyo n e e I se." "H e j u st wants to be I oved." "An d eve ry t i m e h e g ets cl ose to a h u m an wo m an, h e e n d s u p s m ot h e ri n g an d ki I I i n g h e r," "wh i ch i s a fee I i n g I am fam i I i ar wit h." "W h at?" "T h at' s j u st a j o ke." "O h, s h it." "W h at?" "My ex." "I f I ru n, yo u ru n." " Do yo u u n d e rstan d?" " N o, I d o n 't u n d e rstan d at al l." "F u cki n g m ot h e rfu cke r!" "D i ps h it!" "Rach e l, wh at are yo u d o i n g?" "I t h o u g ht I to I d yo u to stay back o n yo u r i s I an d." "T ake it easy, j u st take it easy." "Y eah, yo u kn ow wh at?" "T h e d eal was ove r Ap ri I 9." "W e I I, t h e d eal ' s back o n, m ot h e rfu cke r." "Y o u ai n 't t h e ch i ef i n t h i s vi I I ag e." "I ' m t h e ch i ef." "Of t h e i d i ots?" "Rach e l, I et m e h an d I e t h i s." "I kn ow h i s fri e n d." "Let m e h an d I e t h i s, o kay?" "G o ah ead." "H ey, m an, yo u re m e m be r m e fro m b reakfast?" "O h, yeah, t h e cocktai I g uy, t h at' s ri g ht." "Y eah." "T h i s ai n 't t h e b reakfast b u ffet." "W h at, yo u wit h my g i rl?" "Kee p i n g h e r warm fo r m e at n i g ht, h u h?" "H ey, wh at are yo u d o i n g h e re?" "(C ROW D EXC LAl M I N G)" "RAC H E L :" "T h at' s ri g ht." "J u st h it h i m!" "Rach e l, we g otta g et o ut of h e re." "Rach e l?" "Y o u g et wh at yo u d ese rve." "(P LAY I N G PO P M U S I C)" "J u st a boy?" "N o, t h at d u d e was a fu cki n g m an." "N o, n o, n o." "H e' s an ass h o I e." "I can 't be I i eve I eve r d ated h i m." "Y o u we nt n uts." "Y eah." "Y o u g uys are dysfu n ct i o n al." "Y o u we re I i ke o n e of t h ose g i rl s fro m Flavo ur o f L o ve." " F ro m wh at?" "Y o u we re." "" I ' I I ki I I yo u." "I ' I I ki I I yo u. "" "(RAC H E L LAU G H I N G)" "O kay, I ' m g o n n a g o g et u s an ot h e r ro u n d." "I ' I I g rab it." "It' s n o b i g d eal." "Y o u d o n 't h ave to d ote o n m e." "I ' m n ot t h at type of g i rl." "(l NAU D I B L E)" "Y o u I oo k so h ot." "G ive m e Crime Scene." "G ive m e d i rty Crime Scene g i rl." "An d ré t h e G i ant, o ut of t h e s h ot, p I ease." "M uto m bo, o ut of t h e s h ot, co m e o n." "D i d yo u kn ow t h at t h e re' s a p i ct u re of yo u fl as h i n g, h an g i n g i n t h e m e n ' s roo m?" "Y eah." "I h ate it so m u ch." "My j ackass boyfri e n d m ad e m e d o it." "Keo ki too k it, ri g ht t h e re." "An d I as ked h i m to take it d own, b ut h e sai d t h at it wo u I d ru i n t h e bal an ce of t h e co I I ag e." "Do yo u want m e to t ry to g et it d own fo r yo u?" "N o." "N o, n o, n o, h e' I I ki I I yo u." "L i ke, real ly ki I I yo u." "B ut I h ave a s u rp ri se fo r yo u." "Real ly, wh at?" "MAN :" "W e' re g o n n a take a q u i ck b reak." "T o n i g ht we h ave a s peci al g u est fro m t h e m ai n I an d, s i n g i n g a so n g fro m h i s D racu I a m u s i cal," "p I ease we I co m e to t h e stag e, M r Pete r B rette r." "Pete r!" "Y eah!" "G o g et t h e m, t i g e r!" "P I ease d o n 't." "(EXC LAl M I N G)" "Pete r!" " Rach e l..." " D racu I a!" "Pete r!" "G et t h e m!" "W h at' s u p?" "T h an k yo u." "Y o u kn ow, I co u I d p I ay so m et h i n g e I se." "I j u st t h i n k o ut of co ntext t h i s m i g ht be..." "RAC H E L :" "D racu I a m u s i cal!" "T h an k yo u." "(S I N G I N G) It's getting kind o f h ard to believe th ings are g o ing to get better" "I've been dro wn ing to o lo ng to believe th at the tide 's g o ing to turn" "And I've been living to o h ard to believe th ings are g o ing to get easier n o w" "I'm still trying to sh ake o ff the pain fro m the less o ns I've learned" "And if I see Van Helsing, I swear to the lo rd I will slay h im" "(LAU G H I N G M E NAC I N G LY)" "T ake it fro m me, b ut I swear I wo n 't let it be s o" "Blo od will run do wn h is face when he is decap itated" "His head o n my m an tle is h o w I will let th is o ne kn o w" "Ho w m uch I lo ve yo u" "Die" "Die" "Die" "I can 't" "(C H E E RS)" "RAC H E L :" "Aweso m e!" "P ET E R:" "T h an k yo u." "T h an k yo u." "S o, I h ad a real ly, real ly g reat t i m e to n i g ht." "Y eah?" "Y eah." "I m ean, it g ot a I itt I e wi I d." ""A I itt I e"?" "Y o u can say t h at." "Y eah." "B ut it was real ly fu n, an d yo u ' re so coo l, an d it was..." "T h an k yo u fo r taki n g m e o ut." "N o, I h ad a g reat t i m e." "T h an k yo u." "Y o u d i d?" "Y eah." "I ' m so rry." "I ' m so rry, I j u st..." "I d o n 't..." "I j u st d o n 't wan n a co m p I i cate t h i n g s." " N o, of co u rse!" "Y eah?" "N o, n o, n o." "T otal ly." "I total ly g et t h at." " I h ad a g reat t i m e." "A h an d s h ake?" "W e I I, I d o n 't kn ow." "O kay." "Al I ri g ht, al I ri g ht." "Al I ri g ht." "G et h o m e safe." "Y o u, too." "T h an ks ag ai n." " Bye." "(AL DO U S S I N G I N G) I'm on a hamm ock with me lady" "Watching the sea roll by" "Things have been great n o w" "'Cause we 're in Hawaii" "H ey, g uys." "H ey, m an." "I ' m Koo n u." "Y eah." "N o, I re m e m be r." "I ' m Pete r." "W e too k a s u rf I esso n tog et h e r." "Y eah, yo u ' re t h at g uy t h at wo rks wit h Kai se r Pe rm an e nte." "N o, I ' m Pete r." "W e h ad a n i ce tal k o ut o n t h e wate r." "T h at' s coo l." "O kay, can I j u st say so m et h i n g?" " I we nt o n a d ate to n i g ht wit h Rach e l, ri g ht?" "T h at was n 't a d ate." "S h e' s i n cu sto m e r se rvi ce, d u d e." "S h e too k yo u o ut fo r ch arity." "It was a d ate, o kay?" "T ru st m e." "I kn ow a d ate, an d t h at was a d ate." "I bet yo u t h i n k st ri p pe rs I i ke yo u, too." "T h at' s real ly n ot n ecessary." " lt' s t ru e." "Do n 't waste yo u r t i m e, m an." "Be I i eve m e, it i s a n owh e re road." "I kn ow." "D i d yo u see h e r ex- boyfri e n d?" "H e i s ri d i cu I o u s." "W h o, G reg?" "I I ove G reg, m an." "I saw h i m beat u p a g uy wit h a starfi s h." "O kay, t h at' s j u st ri d i cu I o u s." "T h at g uy was m e." "D u d e, my h o m i e ove r h e re, o n h i s h o n eym oo n?" "G ett i n g as m u ch sex as h e poss i b ly can eve r h ave." "Are yo u g ivi n g to h e r h ard an d ro u g h, d u d e?" "Co m e o n." "T h e wi fe wants m e to d o ce rtai n t h i n g s t h at I fi n d i n ap p ro p ri ate." "Let m e j u st say t h at i f G od was a city p I an n e r, h e wo u I d n ot p ut a p I ayg ro u n d n ext to a sewag e syste m." "W e' re t ryi n g to fu ck, b ut we' re n ot h avi n g fu n fu cki n g." "W e' re j u st, I i ke..." "I ' m stab b i n g h e r p rivate parts, an d it' s n ot fu n, an d it cau ses anxi ety." "F u cki n g i s..." "An d t h e n wh e n yo u ' re n ot fu cki n g..." " H ey, so m eo n e' s g otta sto p h i m." "Y o u ' re t h e b utt of a j o ke." "F u cki n g t h i s ri n g i s..." "F u ck!" "It' s g o n n a be al I ri g ht." "H i." "H i, d o yo u wan n a co m e back to bed?" "S u re." "H ave fu n." "I I i ke h e r h ai r." "I wo n d e r i f t h e carpet m atch es h e r p u bes." "(P H O N E B UZZ I N G)" "J u I i an, wh at' s u p?" "O h." "G od." "T h e s h ow' s bee n can ce I I ed." "T h at' s g ood, ' cau se t h at' s wh at yo u wanted." "Y eah." "Y eah, it i s." "It' s j u st..." "I g u ess I t h o u g ht we h ad an ot h e r year I eft." "It see m s I i ke we d i d, an d..." "T h i s' I I be g ood, ' cau se it' s bee n a I o n g -awaited t ran s it i o n i nto fi I m fo r m e." "Do n 't g et m e wro n g, b ut it' s j u st..." "It' s a s u rp ri se." "Co m e o n to u r wit h m e." "I ' I I se re n ad e yo u eve ry n i g ht i n fro nt of t h o u san d s of wo m e n." "I d i d n 't kn ow yo u we re g o i n g o n to u r." "Y eah, I ' m g o i n g i n two wee ks." "It' s I i ke an 1 8- m o nt h to u r, 43 co u nt ri es, I n fant S o rrow, an d it' s g o n n a be a m ass ive to u r." "Y eah." "I can 't co m e ' cau se I h ave a j o b." "I ' m a wo rki n g act ress." "N ot any m o re." "Y o u ' re an u n e m p I oyed act ress, pe rfect." "Y o u co u I d be t h e q u ee n of t h e g ro u p i es, q u ee n of t h e S o rrow S u cke rs." "T h e S o rrow S u cke rs." "S o rrow S u cke rs." "I d o n 't kn ow why t h ey cal I t h e m t h at." "M r an d M rs S n ow, so rry." "S o rry to bot h e r yo u." "T h e h ote I wanted to offe r yo u so m e co m p I i m e ntary coco n ut cake." "It' s fro m t h e h ote I." "It' s d efi n ite ly n ot fro m m e pe rso n al ly, so..." "Y eah, t h an ks." "O kay, g reat." "W h e n we re yo u p I an n i n g o n te I I i n g m e t h i s?" " I j u st to I d yo u, t h e n." "Y eah." "N o, I kn ow." "B ut te I I i n g m e n ow i s n 't real ly t h e sam e as te I I i n g m e." "W e I I, I oo k, yo u kn ow, I 've n ot to I d yo u I 've g ot g e n ital h e rpes, becau se it' s n ot i n fl am ed at t h e m o m e nt." "Do yo u g uys want so m e ch am pag n e wit h yo u r cake, o r d o yo u want it wit h o ut yo u r cake?" "I d o n 't d ri n k." "Al I ri g ht, so I cam e h e re to g ive yo u my d e m o." "I j u st..." "I wo rs h i p yo u, an d I j u st wanted to g ive yo u my d e m o." "J u st take a I i ste n an d..." "O kay." "' Cau se yo u kn ow wh at?" "Y o u d o n 't wan n a be t h e g uy s itt i n g t h e re, watch i n g B BC, an d sayi n g," "(l N E N G L I S H ACC E N T) " O h, I saw t h at g uy!" "H e was my waite r," "" an d I total ly d i s m i ssed h i m I i ke eve ryo n e e I se d oes i n h i s I i fe." ""An d I total ly was wro n g," "" becau se h e' s a m aj o r, m aj o r, m aj o r i n fl u e n ce o n m e n ow," "" an d I fee I te rri b I e! "" "(C L EARS T H ROAT)" " M r S n ow, m ay I as k yo u a q u est i o n?" "O kay." "I want to p I ease my wi fe h e re, o n o u r h o n eym oo n, b ut I d o n 't kn ow wh at I ' m d o i n g." "Y o u h avi n g d i ffi cu lty sex-wi se?" " Do yo u n ot kn ow h ow to u se t h i s?" " I kn ow h ow." " H ave yo u h ad sex befo re?" "W e can 't." "W hy?" "O u r re I i g i o n." "Ri g ht, ' cau se of G od an d eve ryt h i n g?" "H ey, t h at' s n ot g o n n a be a p ro b I e m, becau se G od s h o u I d be p rese nt i n t h e bed roo m." "J u st te I I m e s peci fi cal ly wh at I n eed to d o." "Y o u n eed to pe n et rate d ee p ly an d st i m u I ate t h e cl ito ri s s i m u ltan eo u s ly." "T h at' s wh at yo u g otta d o." "T h at' s wh at it' s abo ut." "I f yo u can i nvo lve t h e an u s i n t h at, t h e n t h at' s abso I ute pe rfect i o n." "G ot it." "Exp I o re h e r ears." "F i n d it i n yo u to be a I itt I e m o re ci rcly." "Y o u are a m an." "G od ' s wit h i n yo u." "I act u al ly fee I o kay abo ut it." "Y o u kn ow, I ' m a I itt I e scared, b ut I ' I I be al I ri g ht." "I ' I I g et an ot h e r j o b." "That's in teresting, man." "Yo u kn o w what else is in teresting?" "W h at?" "Me o n the m o o n." "I j u st wan n a tal k to yo u abo ut so m et h i n g." "Can yo u sto p?" "Al I ri g ht, I ' m j u st g o n n a tal k, an d t h e n..." "Air!" "T h e re was t h i s i nte rest i n g m o m e nt wit h S arah." "Wh oa, wh at?" "I do n 't wan n a hear ab o ut yo ur in teresting m o men t with Sarah, Pete." "T h e n wh o am I s u p posed to tal k to abo ut t h i s?" "Well, n o t me, because have I ever had an in teresting m o men t with an ex-girlfriend?" " Do yo u h ave an ex-g i rl fri e n d?" "N o!" "No." "LIZ:" "No." "I wo u I d real ly I ove to g et t h e wo m an ' s pe rs pect ive o n t h e m atte r." "Really?" " N o." "B ut co m e o n i n an d j u st s it d own." "S tay." "Y o u h ave to..." "Ho ney, n o, n o, the camera 's righ t there." "No, I kn o w, b ut I just wan n a tell h im, th o ugh." "No, the camera..." " Th in k ab o ut h o w m uch she 's h urt yo u." " H ey, L i z?" " Yeah?" "I t h i n k yo u n eed to m ove j u st a t i ny b it fu rt h e r away fro m t h e m i cro p h o n e." "Just..." " N o, cl ose r." " N ow a I itt I e fu rt h e r." "O kay." "C I ose r." "And then..." "An d t h e n a I itt I e fu rt h e r, an d t h e n cl ose r." "I do n 't kn o w." " Kee p yo u r h ead d own, t h o u g h." "I'm bad at th is th ing." "Can yo u hear me?" "Y eah, cl ose r." "F u rt h e r away." "I kn o w wh at yo u 're do ing." "Th at's n o t fun ny at all." " Y o u stop th at." "W h at?" " Wh at's he do ing?" "C o me o n." "Yeah, yeah, real fun ny." "T h at s h it i s fu n ny, d u d e!" "H ey, P ete." "S o I was g o n n a g o ove r to Lazy J oe' s I ate r to n i g ht, an d I wanted to see i f yo u wanted to co m e an d j o i n." "I t h i n k I ' m co n fu sed, becau se I t h o u g ht I ast n i g ht..." "O h, my G od." "D u d e, g et o ut of yo u r h ead." "It' s real ly n i ce o ut h e re." "Y eah, I bet it i s." "Al I ri g ht, yeah." "Y o u kn ow wh at?" "I co u I d total ly u se a fri e n d ly h an g o ut, so..." "Al I ri g ht." "I d o n 't kn ow i f yo u want, i n stead of Lazy J oe' s," "I was t h i n ki n g of g o i n g to Lai e Po i nt ri g ht n ow." " Real ly?" "Y eah." "I h eard t h at p I ace was a pai n i n t h e ass." "RAC H E L :" "O kay." " H ey!" " DW AY N E :" "Y o, wh at' s u p, g uys?" "P ET E R:" "W e' re j u st g o i n g fo r a h i ke." "N o, yo u ' re n ot, yo u ' re g o i n g s n o rke I I i n g." "P ET E R:" "I t h i n k we' re g o n n a g o o n a h i ke." "It i s sea t u rt I e fu cki n g seaso n, d u d e." "Let' s g o." "T h ey fu ck fo r t h ree h o u rs, d u d e." "I m ean, t h at' s m ag i cal." "No, we' re goi ng on a hike." "I think we' ll go on a hike, yeah." "What?" "You r loss." "Why won't anybody go snorkel I i ng with me?" "How you doi ng back there?" "Awesome." "I don't th i n k I've ever been th is covered i n sweat before." "It' s I i ke I have some sort of fever." "I told you th is was a pai n i n the ass." "Cou ld 've been at Lazy Joe' s." "Oh, yeah." " U h - h u h." "Oh, sh it." "You good?" " No." "(LAUG H I NG)" "PETER:" "Wow, we' re real ly g oi n g u p to the edge of th is, h u h?" "Look!" "Wow, th is is real ly beautifu l." "Al I rig ht, so now that you r show' s done, are you gon na fi n ish the Dracu la m usical?" "It' s not that easy, you know." "Sarah always thoug ht it was crazy, and..." "Wel l, you ' re defi n itely crazy." "But so is everyone, rig ht?" "So who cares?" "I j u st d on 't feel I i ke d oi n g anyth i n g." "Why?" "' Cau se my h eart i s broken, an d I can 't i m ag i n e d oi n g anyth i n g ri g ht n ow." "It' s probably th e sam e reason you d on 't g o back to sch ool, you kn ow?" "M aybe it' s g ood we g ot h u rt I i ke th at, you kn ow?" "I d on 't kn ow about you, but it m akes m e feel i m pervi ou s to pai n." "Y eah." "Ki n d of I i ke th ere' s n oth i n g I eft to be afrai d of." "Y eah." "N o, exact ly." " Ri g ht." "W e co u I d I eap off t h i s rock, an d it wo n 't h u rt u s as bad as t h ey d i d." "S o j u m p, t h e n." "N o, I m eant t h at, I i ke, as a m etap h o r, yo u kn ow?" "N o." "J u st d o it." "Y o u ' I I be fi n e." "J u m p." "W h at t h e h e I I?" "O h, G od!" "O h, G od." "I m ad e h e r ki I I h e rse I f!" "(EXC LAl M I N G)" "Y o u m u st be crazy!" "S o are yo u g o n n a j u m p o r wh at?" " N o!" "Co m e o n, P ete r!" "I can see yo u r vag i n a fro m h e re!" "I can see yo u r h oo- h a." "I m ean, I ' I I j u m p!" "C h i cke n!" "Co m e o n!" "(G ROAN I N G)" "P I ease, G od, d o n 't I et m e d i e tod ay." " I ' m o kay!" "O kay!" " I ' I I j u st I et g o, ri g ht?" " N o, n o, n o!" "I f yo u fal I st rai g ht d own, yo u ' d p ro bab ly h it a rock an d ki I I yo u rse I f!" "T otal ly." "Y eah." "S o wh at d o I d o?" "W hy d o n 't yo u p ress yo u r feet u p ag ai n st t h e rock, an d, I i ke, s h oot yo u rse I f off!" "W h at, I i ke a frog?" " I d o n 't kn ow, Pete r!" "J u st g et off t h e fu cki n g rock!" " H e re I g o!" "O kay!" "O n e!" "T wo!" "T wo!" "T wo an d a h al f!" "J u m p!" "T h ree!" "O h, my G od!" "O h, my G od!" "O h, my G od!" "Y o u saw t h at, ri g ht?" "Y eah, yeah, yeah, I saw it!" "I was t h e re." "I wit n essed it." "T h an ks." "Co m e o n." "Y o u 've g ot C h ri st betwee n yo u r t h i g h s, b ut wit h a s h o rte r beard." "Mahalo." "Aloha." "S ex!" " I ' m cram p i n g, I ' m cram p i n g." "O kay." "O kay, o kay." "Petey?" "Petey?" "S o rry." "I kn ocked a b u n ch." "Y o u we re real ly o ut." "Ke n se nt m e." "Are t h ose sad t i ss u es o r h ap py t i ss u es?" "M aybe yo u s h o u I d j u st g ive m e a m i n ute." "It was t h e o n ly roo m avai I ab I e!" "I ' m s u re it was!" " H ey, h ow' s it g o i n g?" " lt' s al I ri g ht." "Real ly?" "I t h i n k yo u g ot so m e pai n be h i n d t h ose eyes." "A ki n d of pai n t h at o n ly..." "O kay, yo u kn ow wh at?" "Let' s cut t h e b u I I s h it." "I wan n a stan d u p o n a wave befo re I I eave." "I d o n 't t h i n k yo u ' re ready yet, m an." " I ' m ready to ri d e g i ants, Koo n u." " I t h i n k yo u ' re ready." "Petey!" " H i." " H i." "M i ss M ars h al l, wh at can I d o fo r yo u?" "I s t h e re a p I ace to g et g ood s u s h i aro u n d h e re?" "Y eah." "Y eah, t h e re' s a real ly g reat p I ace abo ut five m i n utes fro m h e re cal I ed As u ki." "Pe rfect." " Do yo u want m e to g et yo u a m ap?" " P I ease." "O kay." "S o, t h i s i s wh e re we are." "H ead d own Kam e h am e h a, an d t h e n pass F u n ah o Lo ko M ars h." "An d it s h o u I d be ri g ht to t h e I eft." "It m i g ht take, I i ke, five m i n utes." "G reat." "T h an k yo u." "Any t i m e." "U m..." " I saw yo u wit h Pete r B rette r..." "Y eah." "...wh o' s my ex- boyfri e n d." "O h, my G od." "I ' m real ly so rry." " N o." " lt' s n ot I i ke t h at at al l." " lt' s n ot wh at yo u ' re..." " N o, it' s fi n e." "I ' m j u st real ly g I ad yo u ' re kee p i n g h i m co m pany, ' cau se..." "G os h, n o." "...yo u see m I i ke a real ly n i ce pe rso n," "an d yo u ' re ve ry p retty." "T h an k yo u." "G os h, yo u ' re, I i ke, way p rett i e r." "N o, yo u ' re, I i ke, so p retty." "Real ly?" "Y eah." "W ow, t h an k yo u." "T h an k yo u." "An d o n e m o re t h i n g abo ut Pete r." "H e' s a real ly g ood g uy." "Real ly g ood." "L i ke, g reat, act u al ly." "Y eah." "U m..." "P I ease d o n 't cry, M i ss M ars h al l." "G od." "Do yo u n eed m e to g et yo u a t i ss u e?" "O h, n o, I ' m g ood, I ' m g ood." "I ' m o kay, I ' m o kay." "O kay." "T h an k yo u, Rach e l." "Any t i m e, M i ss M ars h al l." "H ey, ah oy, t h e re!" "Y o u s u rf, too?" "G ood Lo rd, n o." "I ' m j u st d ri ft i n g aro u n d, yo u kn ow?" "G ett i n g i n to u ch wit h t h e ocean an d st u ff." "It' s real ly p I easant." "It was, yeah." "I ' m g o n n a h ead i n." "Befo re yo u g o, act u al ly, Pete r, I j u st wanted to te I I yo u," "I was I i ste n i n g to S arah ' s i Pod t h e ot h e r d ay, an d am i d st t h e i nte rm i n ab I e d ross t h at' s o n t h at t h i n g," "I fo u n d o n e t rack t h at I q u ite I i ked." "S o I ch ecked wh at it was, an d it was act u al ly o n e of yo u rs." "An d it ki n d of re m i n d ed m e of a d ark, g ot h i c N e i I D i am o n d." "It' s g reat." "T h at' s, I i ke, exact ly wh at I ' m g o i n g fo r." "Ri g ht, yeah." "F u ck." "F u ck, yo u ' re coo l." "It' s so h ard to say, becau se, I i ke, I h ate yo u i n so m any ways, b ut wh ateve r." "I can see why S arah I i kes yo u." "N o acco u nt i n g fo r taste, I s u p pose." "I n h e r case, anyway." "S h e was wit h m e fo r five years, so t h e re yo u g o." "Y eah, yo u g ot fo u r o n m e t h e re, m ate." "Y o u s I e pt wit h S arah a year ag o?" "I t h o u g ht yo u kn ew!" "Pete r, p I ease, d o n 't take it se ri o u s ly." "W h at t h e fu ck, m an!" "Y o u 've..." " Do n 't g et offe n d ed by t h at." "Y o u can 't be so cas u al abo ut t h i s!" "T h i s i s n 't E u ro pe, o kay?" "T h e re are ru I es h e re." "I ' m real ly so rry." "I apo I og i se fo r offe n d i n g yo u, Pete r." "I j u st h o pe t h i s d oes n 't ru i n o u r fri e n d s h i p." "W e I I, wh at' s t h at abo ut?" "W h at d o yo u t h i n k it' s abo ut?" "T h i s i s a b i g d eal!" "W h at abo ut a cod e of t h e ocean?" "T h at' s n ot o n." "W h at abo ut cod es am o n g m e n?" "Y o u d o n 't s I ee p wit h an ot h e r m an ' s g i rl fri e n d!" "T h i n k of..." "G et o ut of h e re!" "Al I ri g ht, o kay!" "Al I ri g ht!" "G et o ut of h e re!" "O h, G od!" "P ET E R:" "Koo n u!" "T h i s g uy n eed s h e I p!" "Koo n u!" "(S C REAM I N G)" "S h o u I d I cal I t h e fro nt d es k?" " It h u rts." "It h u rts." "W ow, yo u g ot co ral ri g ht t h e re i n yo u r I eg!" "Can yo u g et it o ut of my I eg, p I ease, h ote I m an?" "Can yo u d o so m et h i n g abo ut t h at?" "I ' d I ove to, yo u kn ow, b ut h ote I po I i cy..." "T h ey d o n 't I et m e d o t h at ki n d of t h i n g." "T h ey g et al I we i rd ed o ut." "I n s u ran ce..." "Koo n u, can yo u cal l t h e fro nt d es k fo r m e, p I ease?" "Y eah." " It real ly h u rts." "Koo n u, cal I t h e fro nt d es k n ow!" "O kay, m o n ste r m an." "Pete, h e' s n ot g o n n a d o n ot h i n g." "I ki n d of h ave t h i s t h i n g abo ut b I ood, o kay?" "Loo k at it." "It' s rap i n g my I eg." "Pete r, g et it o ut of my fu cki n g I eg, p I ease!" "O n e, two." "Y o u can 't g et it o ut." " lt' s real ly i n t h e re." "G et it o ut of m e!" "T h ree!" "F u ck my arse!" "O kay, I g ot it." "It' s al I d o n e." "It' s al I ove r." "Eve ryt h i n g I oo ks fi n e." "It' s al I g ood!" "T h ey' re co m i n g wiki wiki." "Can yo u g et so m e towe I s fo r m e, p I ease?" "I ' m real ly I os i n g a I ot of b I ood." "Y o u so u n d I i ke yo u ' re fro m Lo n d o n." "Y eah, I ' m fro m Lo n d o n." "W h at' s g o i n g o n?" "S ARAH :" "Y o u fai nted." "I d i d n 't want yo u to wake u p by yo u rse I f." " H ow' s yo u r fri e n d?" "I s h e al I ri g ht?" "Y eah." "T h ey g ave h i m st itch es, an d h e' s s I ee p i n g it off." " H ey, yo u wan n a h ear so m et h i n g fu n ny?" "W h at?" "Are yo u ready to I au g h?" "' Cau se t h i s i s a g as." "O kay." "Edward S ci sso rh an d s ove r t h e re to I d m e t h at yo u two we re fu cki n g each ot h e r fo r a wh o I e G od d am n year wh i I e we we re tog et h e r." "S h it." "H ow abo ut t h at, S arah?" "I ' m so rry, Pete r." "Pete, yo u s h o u I d n 't be u p an d wal ki n g aro u n d." "Can yo u p I ease..." "P I ease d o n 't to u ch m e." "J u st d o n 't to u ch m e, o kay?" "I ' m n ot to u ch i n g yo u." "W i I I yo u j u st p I ease s it?" "P I ease?" "Al I ri g ht, I ' I I s it d own, b ut I ' m s itt i n g d own ' cau se I want to, n ot becau se yo u 've as ked m e to s it, o kay?" "G reat." "A year?" "L i ste n, I g et it, o kay?" "I j u st..." "I n eed to u n d e rstan d wh at I d i d to m ake yo u ch eat." "I j u st..." "Pete, it' s n ot anyt h i n g yo u d i d." "Y o u d i d n 't d o anyt h i n g." "I m ean, yo u we re g reat." "W i I I yo u p I ease cut t h e b u I I s h it an d h ave a tal k wit h m e?" "F i n e." "C utt i n g t h e b u I I s h it." "It g ot real ly h ard to kee p taki n g care of yo u wh e n yo u sto p ped taki n g care of yo u rse I f." "I t ri ed to g et yo u o ut of t h e h o u se." "I t ri ed to g et yo u off yo u r I itt I e i s I an d yo u I oved so m u ch, t h e co u ch." "Y o u d i d n 't wan n a see t h e I i g ht of d ay!" "G od, t h e re was o n e wee k wh e n yo u wo re sweat pants!" "Eve ry d ay." "Y o u s h al I n ot pass!" "Y o u kn ow wh at?" "I f t h ey we re S ean J o h n sweat pants, it wo u I d h ave bee n fi n e." "B ut becau se t h ey' re Costco b ran d, it' s I i ke t h e wo rst t h i n g I co u I d d o." "T h at h as n ot h i n g to d o wit h it." "T h at' s wh at yo u d o n 't g et." "I ' m so rry t h at I d i d n 't e n d u p be i n g wh o we t h o u g ht I was g o n n a be, yo u kn ow?" "I t ri ed real ly h ard." "I p ro m i se yo u t h at." "I j u st d i d n 't h ave it i n m e." "I t h i n k i f yo u h ad j u st, m aybe t ri ed h ard e r." "I t ri ed!" "Y o u h ave n o i d ea h ow h ard I t ri ed, Pete r." "I tal ked to a t h e rap i st." "I tal ked to my m ot h e r." "I read eve ry boo k poss i b I e." "I too k I ove se m i n ars." "I too k sex se m i n ars." "N o n e of it wo rked." "N o n e of it m ad e a d i ffe re n ce to yo u." "An d I co u I d n 't d rown wit h yo u any m o re." "Do n 't yo u d are s it t h e re an d te I I m e t h at I d i d n 't t ry." "I d i d." "Y o u we re j u st too st u p i d to n ot i ce." "(C L EARS T H ROAT)" "W h oa." "I t h o u g ht yo u we re g o n n a wear t h e s h i rt I g ot yo u." "W h at?" "N o." "I m ean, I d o I ove t h at s h i rt yo u g ot m e." "I ad m i re S i r T o m my Bah am a an awfu I I ot." "H e' s a tal e nted m an, b ut to n i g ht, I fee I t h at t h i s i s ap p ro p ri ate." "W ow, t h an k yo u." "Y eah, S arah g ot it fo r m e." "T h i s i s, I i ke, way m o re co nve n i e nt t h an my backpack." "(LO U D M U S I C P LAY I N G)" "Aweso m e h at!" "T h an k yo u." "Y eah, my g i rl fri e n d g ot it fo r m e!" " I ' m fu cki n g wit h yo u!" "Coo l!" "I t h i n k it I oo ks g reat." "B ut i f yo u ' re n ot, I et' s g o ch an g e." "N o, I I i ke it." "I d i d n 't I i ke it at fi rst." "N ow I real ly t h i n k it' s..." "O h, b I oody h e I I." "T h i s i s a s m al I reso rt." "H i, Pete r." "H ey." "W ow." "Al d o u s, S arah, t h i s i s Rach e l." "S arah bo u g ht m e t h i s s h i rt." "I co u I d 've g u essed t h at." "Y eah." " Loo ks g reat." "Y o u I oo k g reat." "Loo ks aweso m e." "S ee." "T h an ks." "M r S n ow, I ' m so so rry." "I d i d n ot kn ow yo u g uys we re co m i n g." "Y o u ' re g o n n a h ave to wait five m i n utes." "I d i d n ot kn ow yo u g uys we re co m i n g." "It' s o kay." "It' s n ot a p ro b I e m." "I d i d n 't see yo u g uys, so..." "T h e re' s real ly n o n eed to wee p." "I ' m n ot cryi n g." "It' s n o p ro b I e m, h o n est ly." "It' s n ot a p ro b I e m." "S o, yo u r tab I e i s ready, g uys." "O h, g reat." "H ey, h ave a I ove ly eve n i n g, yo u two." "T h an k yo u." "H ave a g reat d i n n e r, yo u g uys." "T h an k yo u." "Y o u ' re we I co m e to j o i n u s, o bvi o u s ly, i f yo u want." "O kay." "W o u I d n 't d ream of it." "W h at?" "W h at?" "O h, o kay." "O kay." " RAC H E L :" "T h at' s g reat." "Aweso m e." "S u re." "G reat." "I ' I I j u st set two m o re p I aces." "O kay." " N ot a b i g d eal." "Aweso m e." "S o t h i s i s act u al ly h ap pe n i n g." "W e' re g o n n a I et t h i s h ap pe n." "I am so so rry." "I n eve r t h o u g ht i n a m i I I i o n years s h e wo u I d say yes." "I d i d." "W h at?" "I j u st acce pted an i nvitat i o n." "I d i d n 't wan n a be ru d e." "It' s g ot u s i n a te rri b I e s it u at i o n." "N ow I ' m g o n n a h ave to s it wit h h i m weari n g t h i s s h i rt al I n i g ht." "Y o u ' re weari n g t h e s h i rt reg ard I ess." "Au st ral i a i s am az i n g." " I ' m te I I i n g yo u." "It i s a g reat p I ace to s h oot." "Y eah?" "Rach e l, yo u wo u I d I ove it." "Y o u wo u I d I ove it." "I wan n a g o." "I real ly, real ly wan n a g o t h e re." "W ait, so wh e n ' s t h e m ovi e co m i n g o ut?" " M m m." "It cam e o ut." " It was al ready re I eased." "O h." "(S N I C KE Rl N G)" "W e I I, yo u kn ow, it' s an i s I an d." "It' s i so I ated." "Y eah." " M ovi es d o n 't real ly co m e o ut h e re." "O bvi o u s ly." " D i d yo u I i ke it?" "T h e m ovi e?" "Y eah." " It was..." "Awfu I b I oody fi I m." "I say, it' s j u st a ri d i cu I o u s p re m i se." "W h at wo u I d h ap pe n i f yo u r m o b i I e p h o n e ki I I ed yo u?" "W hy wo u I d a m o b i I e p h o n e ki I I anyo n e?" "Does n 't m ake se n se." "H ow can a m o b i I e p h o n e h ave an ag e n d a an d ki I I peo p I e..." "I to I d h e r t h at wh e n s h e read t h e scri pt." "Y eah." "Y o u we re t h e vo i ce of reaso n, m ate." "I t ri ed to be, b ut s h e d i d n 't I i ste n." "G o i n g aro u n d ki I I i n g peo p I e." "A m o b i I e p h o n e, I i ke, d o i n g m u rd e rs." "W hy co u I d n 't yo u j u st take t h e batte ry o ut of t h e p h o n e?" "AL DO U S :" "Ri g ht." "T h at' s it." "T h e batt I e' s ove r." "Y eah, we've wo n." "AL DO U S :" "I h ated it." "W e I I, it' s n ot fo r eve ryo n e, b ut it..." "N o, it' s ri d i cu I o u s." "H e re' s my favo u rite sce n e." "Ri n g - ri n g." "H e I I o?" "AL DO U S :" "Ri g ht." "It wo u I d n eve r h ap pe n." "Y eah." "N o, it co u I d n eve r h ap pe n." "It' s a m etap h o r fo r ad d i ct i o n to tech n o I ogy." "Fo r soci ety, fo r h ow we' re re I i ant o n tech n o I ogy." "I g et it." "I ' m wit h yo u." "It' s a m etap h o r fo r a crap m ovi e." "W e I I, it was t h e ri g ht ch o i ce fo r m e at t h e t i m e." " RAC H E L :" "S u re." "Y o u kn ow?" "W e I I, t h i s i s awkward." "Y eah?" " lt' s a b it m o re awkward n ow." " RAC H E L :" "A I itt I e." "H ey, excu se m e." "Can we g et an ot h e r bott I e of wi n e, p I ease?" "S u re." "T h an k yo u." "M r S n ow?" "Can I g et cran be rry j u i ce wit h a b it of I i m e i n it, p I ease." "Do yo u want cran be rry j u i ce o r cran be rry cocktai I?" "Becau se I can p ro bab ly ru st I e u p e it h e r o n e." "T h row so m e OJ..." "I d o n 't care." "O kay, g reat." "(RAC H E L M OAN S)" "(RAC H E L M OAN I N G)" "Al d o u s." "(B LOW I N G)" "W ake u p." "Al d o u s." "W ake u p." " H m m..." "M ake I ove to m e." "Al I ri g ht." "Y o u g o o n to p, t h o u g h, ' cau se I ' m kn acke red." "(M OAN I N G)" "(M OAN I N G LO U D LY)" "L i ste n." "Y es!" "Y es!" "Y eah." "S ARAH :" "Y es!" "O h, yes!" "Y eah!" "Y eah!" "O h, G od!" "Y eah!" "(RAC H E L Y E L L I N G)" " Ri g ht t h e re!" "Y es!" "Y es!" "Y es!" "S h e' s h avi n g an o rg as m!" "T h i s i s t h e best sex eve r!" "Y eah, al I ri g ht, t h at' I I d o." "W h at?" "I m ad e a m i stake co m i n g h e re wit h yo u." "(M OAN I N G CO N T I N U ES)" "An d I ' m n ot d o n e e it h e r!" " P I ease s h ut u p!" "O kay." "O kay!" "Y o u ' re st i I I i nvo lved wit h h i m n ext d oo r, ai n 't yo u?" "Excu se m e?" "Y o u s h o u I d 've see n yo u rse I f at d i n n e r, S arah." "T h e n we co m e back h e re, an d yo u p ut o n t h at g h ast ly pe rfo rm an ce." "I m ean, I 've h eard t h at wo m e n d o fake o rg as m s, b ut I 've n eve r see n o n e." "It real ly d ee p ly u pset m e." "Y o u s h o u I d h ave see n yo u rse I f at d i n n e r." "(W H I S P E Rl N G) Are yo u s I ee p i n g?" "N ot any m o re." "I kn ow t h at I ' m I eavi n g i n a co u p I e of d ays, so I d o n 't eve n kn ow wh at t h e h e I I t h i s m ean s," "b ut I real ly I i ke s pe n d i n g t i m e wit h yo u a I ot." "I kn ow." "M e too." "H ey." "G ood m o rn i n g." "W h e re are yo u g o i n g?" "T h e Ko rean T ext i I e M an u fact u re r' s L u au." "J u st ki I I m e." " F u n." "J oy." "I want yo u to kn ow t h at I m eant wh at I sai d I ast n i g ht." "I kn ow yo u d i d." "I d i d, too." "Can I see yo u ag ai n to n i g ht?" "Y eah." " I g et off at 7 :00." "Y ay." "Bye." "H e sai d it was cl ear I was n 't ove r yo u." "An d t h e n h e I eft." "F u cki n g p ri ck." "An d t h e n I started t h i n ki n g, wh at i f h e' s ri g ht?" "W h at i f I ' m n ot ove r yo u?" "S arah..." " P I ease j u st I et m e fi n i s h, Pete." "W h at i f I m ad e a real ly, real ly h o rri b I e m i stake?" "S arah." "Y eah?" "S arah." "Y eah?" "Sto p p u I I i n g my face toward s yo u r face." "W hy?" "Y o u d o n 't I i ke it?" "L i ste n, p u I I i n g my s h i rt toward s yo u i s t h e sam e co n ce pt as p u I I i n g my face." "Let' s s pe n d o n e m o re n i g ht h e re tog et h e r, an d t h e n I et' s g o h o m e an d t h e n..." "An d we' I I j u st p rete n d I i ke it n eve r h ap pe n ed." "... face real ity." "N o." "T h at' s t h e b i g p I an?" "N o." "I I ove yo u." "T h at' s n ot fai r." "T h at' s n ot fai r of yo u to say t h at to m e." "P I ease, P ete r." "T e I I m e yo u ' re so rry." " I ' m so so rry." "I m i ssed yo u." "I ' m so rry." "G od, I m i ssed yo u, Pete r." "Al I ri g ht." "G et h ard fo r m e, Pete." "G et h ard fo r m e." " I kn ow wh at I ' m s u p posed to d o." "O kay." "J u st d o it." "Co m e o n." "G et h ard." " I ' m t ryi n g." "O kay." " H e re." "J u st I et m e d o it fo r a seco n d." "O kay." "I real ly want yo u, Pete r." "I m i ssed yo u." "Y o u d o n 't want h e I p?" "Y o u d o n 't want h e I p?" "U h - h u h." "Can yo u be q u i et j u st fo r a m i n ute?" "Do yo u want my h an d s?" "M aybe j u st d o n 't tal k fo r a seco n d i s wh at I m ean." "Do yo u want my m o ut h?" "Y eah, m aybe yo u r m o ut h." "Y eah." "O kay." "W h at' s t h e p ro b I e m, Pete r?" " I d o n 't kn ow..." " M o re?" "Y o u can kee p t ryi n g i f yo u want." "(S I G H S)" "W h at' s wro n g wit h yo u?" " N ot h i n g i s wro n g wit h m e, o kay?" "O kay." " N o, I d i d n 't..." "J u st, so m et h i n g d oes n 't fee I ri g ht any m o re." "O kay." "W e I I, d i d yo u..." "Y o u kn ow wh at?" "D i d yo u d ri n k tod ay?" "Becau se so m et i m es wh e n yo u d ri n k..." "Excu se m e." "N o, I h ave n 't h ad anyt h i n g to d ri n k tod ay." "M aybe t h e p ro b I e m i s t h at yo u b ro ke my h eart i nto a m i I I i o n p i eces, an d so my cock d oes n 't want to be aro u n d yo u any m o re, o kay?" "Eve r!" "Becau se yo u kn ow wh at I j u st real i sed?" "H u h?" "Y o u ' re t h e G od d am n d evi I." "O kay?" "W ed d i n g i n H awai i!" "Real o ri g i n al!" " H ey." " H ey, Rach e l." "S arah an d Al d o u s b ro ke u p t h i s m o rn i n g." "W h at a s u rp ri se." "S o I we nt to ch eck o n S arah, an d..." "L i ste n, I ' m h e re becau se I d o n 't want to I i e to yo u, o kay?" "S o m e st u ff h ap pe n ed." "I ' m real ly, real ly so rry t h at it d i d, b ut I ' m al so real ly g I ad t h at it d i d, becau se" "I ' m ab I e to see so cl early n ow t h at S arah an d I are n ot ri g ht fo r each ot h e r." "W h at st u ff?" "I we nt u p to m ake s u re t h at s h e was o kay, an d it g ot we i rd." "B ut n ow eve ryt h i n g i s fi n e." "An d I n eed yo u to u n d e rstan d t h at I m eant eve ryt h i n g t h at I sai d to yo u t h i s m o rn i n g." "W h at exact ly h ap pe n ed, P ete r?" "W e foo I ed aro u n d a I itt I e b it." "S h ut t h e fu ck u p, an d te I I m e exact ly wh at yo u d i d." "Al I ri g ht." "I we nt to h e r roo m, an d s h e was cryi n g an d cryi n g an d cryi n g." "An d I fe It I i ke I s h o u I d co m fo rt h e r." "An d t h e n s h e started ki ss i n g m e becau se I was co m fo rt i n g h e r." "An d t h e n t h e n ext t h i n g I kn ew, I was ki ss i n g h e r becau se s h e h ad bee n ki ss i n g m e becau se of t h e co m fo rt i n g." "T h e n s h e started taki n g my cl ot h es off, an d t h e n h e r cl ot h es we re off." "T h e n s h e pe rfo rm ed 1 0 to 1 5 seco n d s of o ral sex o n m e." "O kay." "P ete r, yo u can I eave n ow." "At t h e m ost." "M axi m u m." "T h an k yo u fo r stayi n g at T u rt I e Bay." "Rach e l, p I ease d o n 't d o t h i s." "T h e o n ly reaso n I ' m te I I i n g yo u t h i s i s becau se I real ly care abo ut..." "L i ste n to m e, P ete r." "I was a m ess, too." "I u n d e rstan d." "O kay?" "B ut it d oes n ot excu se yo u act i n g I i ke a co m p I ete ass h o I e." "L i ste n, I kn ow t h at I fu cked t h i n g s u p fo r a m i n ute, b ut I ' m n ot I i ke eve ry ot h e r ass h o I e." "Y o u s h o u I d n ot be wit h anybody ri g ht n ow." "Anybody." "I kn ow..." "I kn ow t h at t h e re i s so m et h i n g h e re." "I kn ow t h at I was n ot wro n g abo ut t h at." "An d, yes, it' s o n ly bee n fo u r d ays, b ut I kn ow yo u fee I it, too." "I n eed yo u to I eave." "Do n ot write m e." "Do n ot cal I m e." "Do n ot e- m ai I m e." "Pete r, I n eed yo u to g o." "I wo n 't bot h e r yo u any m o re." "I ' m so rry." "I d o n 't kn ow wh at to d o." "H ey, b rot h e r, wh at yo u d o i n g, h u h?" "Y o u steal i n g my art?" "I want yo u to p ut it back ri g ht n ow." "P ut it back, b ro!" "L i ste n, g ive m e t h e p i ct u re." "Doo-d oo pape r." "Y o u ' re t h rowi n g d oo-d oo pape r?" "G ive m e t h e p i ct u re." "Do n 't be st u p i d, b rot h e r." "J u st g ive m e t h e p i ct u re." "Y o u can h it m e as m any t i m es as yo u want." "I ' m n ot g ivi n g yo u t h e p h oto back." "O h, yeah." "N o, n o, n o." "Pete r, I to I d yo u I d i d n ot want to see yo u." "Al o h a, I'm Sarah Marshall from C ri m e S ce n e :" "S ce n e of t h e C ri m e." "And when I'm n o t scrubbing for evidence," "I'm flying Hawaiian Airlines to my favo urite destin atio ns." "No w sit back and enjoy yo ur in-fligh t en tertain men t." "I kn o w I will." "M ah al o." "(P ET E R S I N G I N G) Everyb ody h ates yo u" "Everyb ody wishes th at yo u were dead" "Because, Peter, yo u s uck" "Peter, yo u s uck" "Peter, yo ur m usic is fucking terrib le" "Peter, yo u s uck" "Peter, yo u s uck" "Peter, yo u do n ' t do an yth ing o f val ue" "Peter, yo u s uck" "Write s o me m usic b ut instead yo u sit and write these b ullsh it s o ngs" "It's s o self-loath ing" "G o see a psych iatrist I h ate the psych iatrist" "Well, g o see o ne anyway" "I do n 't like the psych iatrist" "Y o u need to g o and see o ne" "See a psych iatrist" "I'm n o t g o ing" "It's getting kind o f h ard to believe th ings are g o ing to get better" "I d o n 't u n d e rstan d wh at t h e re i s to t h i n k abo ut." "Becau se, D, h e..." "S h e I i cked t h e t i p." "T h at d oes n 't co u nt." "Of co u rse it co u nts." "H e..." " H e wh at?" "H e refu sed a b I owj o b fro m h i s ex-g i rl fri e n d m i d - b I owj o b." "Do yo u kn ow wh at t h at' s I i ke fo r a m an?" "It' s cal I ed b I u e bal I s, Rach e l." "T h i s g uy i s I i ke G an d h i, b ut bette r." "H e I i kes p u p pets." "I I ove p u p pets." "I I ove F rag g I e Rock." "I I ove Lam b C h o p." "I I ove E I m o." "Sesame Street, Be rt an d E rn i e, S n u ffe I u pag u s." "F u cks my s h it u p." "(C ROW D AP P LAU D I N G)" "(S I N G I N G) Th is is a s o ng th at I never th o ugh t I wo uld write" "O n the n igh t I'm dying" "S o rry fo r all the wro ng I've do ne" "I'm fin ished trying" "It was a wo nderful dream No w let h im c o me and slay me" "There he is" "The dem o n wh o h aun ted the streets o f L o ndo n" "I've c o me to slay yo u" "Here I am!" "I'll leave yo u b leeding in my dungeo n" "I'll never o bey yo u I'll rip o ut yo ur oes op h ag us" "Please, Mr Van Helsing Listen to me" "He is just a m an wh o wishes to be free" "Lay h im in a hearse Y o u m ust end th is c urse" "He is the wo rst!" "(AL L LAU G H I N G)" "Do n 't g o my lo ve" "I can 't say g o odbye" "My reign is do ne" "It's time to die" "I'm p regn an t" "Drac ula" "VAN HELSING :" "Wh at h ave I do ne?" "Has flo wn ab o ve" "Wh o killed Drac ula?" "But he fo und a taste" "A taste fo r lo ve" "My life is a lie" "Sweet Drac ula I m iss my yo ung dead p rince" "I'll never see h im again" "Un til my death" "Wh at a wo nderful dream" "T o find a taste fo r lo ve" "A taste fo r lo ve" "(AL L AP P LAU D I N G)" "W ow." "Y o u cam e." "I can 't be I i eve t h at yo u cam e." "P ete r, t h i s i s g reat." " It was real ly fu n ny." "Y eah." "T h an k yo u." "Y o u kn ow wh at?" "I d i d n 't real i se t h at it was a co m edy, an d t h e n so m eo n e to I d m e t h at, an d it j u st, I i ke, o pe n ed t h e wh o I e t h i n g u p." " H ow I o n g are yo u i n town fo r?" "O pe n -e n d ed." " Bo I d." "Y eah." "Y eah, yo u kn ow, I ' m ki n d of ch ecki n g o ut so m e sch oo I s." "Co n g rat u I at i o n s." "Y eah, m aybe." "Y o u n eve r cal I ed." "Y o u to I d m e n ot to." "An d I I i ste n ed." " Ri g ht." "W as n 't easy." "I m i g ht h ave cal I ed o n ce an d h u n g u p." " N o." "N o." " F ro m a p rivate n u m be r." "N o." "M aybe." "MAN 1 :" "Pete r!" "MAN 2 :" "N i ce j o b, B rette r." "W e I I, yo u s h o u I d p ro bab ly g o back." "W o u I d yo u I i ke to h an g o ut wh i I e yo u ' re h e re?" " M aybe we co u I d g o to d i n n e r o r..." "Y eah." "St i I I h ave my n u m be r?" "Y eah." "Y eah, I ' I I cal I yo u." "G o." "Y eah, I s h o u I d d o t h at." "Y eah, yeah." "G o m i n g I e." "MAN 1 :" "H ey, Pete r!" "MAN 2 :" "H ey, B rette r!" "Co m e ove r h e re an d m eet my m o m!" "G o, g o." "Off I g o." " H ey, Pete r." " N i ce j o b, B rette r." "T h e p I ay was s i ck, m an." "G ood wo rk." " N i ce j o b." "G ood j o b, m an." "T h at was aweso m e." "S o coo l!" "Pete r, co n g rat u I at i o n s." "I j u st wanted to say t h an k yo u." "I h ad s u ch a g reat t i m e to n i g ht." "O h, g ood." "Y o u kn ow wh at?" "I ' m g o n n a ch an g e o ut of t h i s u n itard," "' cau se I ' m g ett i n g a ch afe." "O kay." " E n o u g h sai d." "Co n g rat u I at i o n s." "T h an k yo u." "H ey, Pete r?" "I was j u st cal I i n g yo u." "W ow." "O h, P ete r." " I ' m so rry." "Sto p I au g h i n g." "Can yo u p I ease sto p I au g h i n g?" "I m i ssed yo u." "I j u st..." "Y o u kn ow, I act u al ly wanted to te I I yo u t h at I 've bee n t h i n ki n g so m u ch abo ut..." "NARRA TO R:" "This fall, Sarah Marsh all is back in a b rand-new ro le." "Y o u r wi fe h ad n o e n e m i es t h at yo u ' re aware of." "Get ready fo r the m ost daring sh o w o n televisio n." " J u st cam e h o m e, an d s h e was lyi n g t h e re." " Ri g ht." "In a wo rld where yo u do n 't kn o w wh o to trust." "(Y E L PS)" "C h arl i e, wh o' s F ran co M arco n i?" " N o." "N o." "G u n, g u n, g u n, g u n." "D ro p it, d ro p it." "G o with yo ur an im al instincts." "(DO G HO WLING)" " H ow d i d yo u kn ow?" "S h e' s an an i m al psych i c." "Sarah Marsh all returns o n An i m al I n st i n cts." "L i fe' s a b itch." "An d wh e re yo u ' re g o i n g, t h at' s exact ly wh at yo u ' I I be."