"Hey, Kevin." "she loves Kevin Smith, really." "Kevin Smith, he's brilliant." "Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Smith." "That was...." "That was a really-- That was a sweet reaction." "That almost, almost makes up for the fact that, you know Charles is gonna marry Camilla." "Almost." "This is a very intimate room." "When I heard "theater" I was like, "Right on, theater."" "But this is kind of like Affleck's living room." "Except not as many whores, I don't think." "We have a few members of the British press in attendance tonight as well." "So if you see people writing shit down punch them in the face." "Not really." "Bunch of them went, "Nuts."" "The British press I've had, you know, a decent relationship with." "I haven't really gotten beaten the shit out of like some people but last time I was here, I got into a bit of a row, as they say with some fucking chavs in the British press." "That's the thing, they weren't even chavs." "If they were chavs, I couldlve gotten along with them but they were just three fucking cunts." "I don't say that in the charming British, like, llOh, you fucking cunt.Il" "I say it in the hard-core American, like, llYou dirty fucking cunt!" "Il" "These three broads, they call themselves the 3am Gir's they write for the Mirror, is that it?" "So youlve heard of them." "We were coming over to do a Jersey Girl premiere and, of course, Affleck, at the last minute" "Well, not llof course.Il We all expected he was going." "But suddenly came down with bronchitis" "Hence his new nickname, llBronchifer.Il" "and had to bow out." "So it was me and the little girl, Raquel Castro, who's in the movie who wound up doing all the press which was, you know, weird, because nobody knows her and what do you ask an 8-year-old anyway?" "Like, llWhat do you wanna be when you grow up?" "Il" "Because the kid's like, llFuck you, llm it." "Ilm acting.Il" "And then me, who wasn't really in the movie." "Basically, I was the guy who was just making excuses for the movie apparently, most of the time." "So it was kind of a lackluster premiere and it was heralded in the 3am Gir'sl column by" "You know, I never forget anything, so I bring shit." "I have an elephant-- Elephantine-like memory." "And ass." "So this is-- This is what they said initially.." "I'surprise, surprise, Ben Affleck has pulled out of the U.K. premiere of movie turkey..." ",Jersey Girl, in which he starred alongside ex-fiancée, Jennifer Lopez." "The star was due to attend tonight's screening with director Kevin Smith and young actress Raquel Castro but the 31 -year-old is staying away because he has, ahem, bronchitis.Il" "That llahemll is just like-- Just dig it in, you know?" "So anyway, this is the part that really stood out to me." "It's a quote.." "Ill't's a shame Ben has pulled out because it's obvious this film needs all the publicity it can getl says an insider.Il" "Now, A, we didn't want publicity on the movie." "We had too much of it." "Sadly, all bad." "But the thing that really bugged me, who the fuck is the insider?" "Like a British insider?" "Like, who was it?" "As far as I know, there were no Brits in the cast or the crew." "And I checked." "Because I said llcuntll an awful lot." "If you say it here, people are like, llRight on, mate,ll you know." "You say it back home, theylre like, llOh, cunt?" "Il" "As if people don't like it." "As if we were in Toronto." "So the quote" " Or the insider went on to say.." "Il't's unusual for none of the big stars to put in an appearance and it says a lot about what they think of the movie.Il" "What?" "So who is this fucking random person and why do they have so much to say, and why--?" "Is their finger really on the pu'se and shit?" "Like they know so much about Hollywood." "So welre at the premiere that night, and this chick, Caroline Hedley who is one of the 3am Gir's." "Hedley." "You know, right there." "Most people are named, you know, back in the day for what they did." "Ilm Smith, presumably somewhere in my line I had a blacksmith." "Hedley?" "That says cocksucker to me." "So...." "So lim meeting with Caroline Hedley and of course I fucking remembered her name and her atrocious-looking face from the byline." "So I said, llHey, what's up?" "Who's the insider?" "Why are you trashing the movie without giving it a shot?" "Why do you have to write like that?" "Why does it always have to be negative?" "Can't it be positive?" "Little girl's here, first time in England, she's in the movie, and why--?" "Il" "And she's like.." "IlYou know what, youlre right." "Youlre turning me around here.Il" "And I was like, lll am?" "Il" "And I said, llRight on.Il So I started giving her a pretty decent interview." "Then she wrote this.." "Il't's obvious to everyone e'se that Ben Affleck and J. Lo do not a good movie make." "But at least the director of their latest flick has the grace to admit as much." "The pair dubbed lBenniferl made Jersey Girl before their rather acrimonious split earlier this year.Il" "Now, this is my quote." "This is the guy saying" "This is the director having l'the grace to admit as much.Il" "Illl think from now on llm gonna have a no-couples rule in my movie,I he said.Il" "That's me." "I'the negative vibe surrounding them has definitely taken away some of the business we could have done.Il" "Is that really me admitting to anything, or going like, llllm so fucking sorry." "This is the worst thing that's happened to humanity since the Holocaust and I don't know what I was thinking." "Please, mea culpa, mea culpall?" "No, not at all." "But this is the really weird thing." "She refers to me as I'the movie's fat, bearded, hobbit-look-alike director, Kevin Smith.Il" "Now, llll take fat and bearded and you can throw in sweaty but hobbit-like?" "Like, if lim a hobbit, this bitch is an Orc." "But the thing that really bitched me out the most the thing I really couldn't stand, was the insider thing because it's just so vague, right?" "You could make shit up and be like, lllnsider told me." "Total insider.Il" "And I think, in this case, it meant some dude was fucking inside her." "But two can play at that game because I did some investigating of my own and insiders tell me vis-a-vis, regarding the 3am Gir's that for a euro not a pound, mind you, a fucking euro you could take any one of the 3am Gir's and brick in her fucking mouth." "Now, mind you, I don't know if that's true." "It's just what some insiders told me." "Seemed credible." "But these British press people aren't like that so don't punch them in the fucking face." "I changed my mind in the middle of that story." "All right, so enough about fucking me." "Let's go over to you guys and then come back to me." "Who's got the mike first?" "This side of the room." "You got it?" "You got the mike?" "Yeah, it's a real hand-raising" "And don't, you know-- Jut right the fuck" "Be American about it." "Like, llHey, I demand things!" "It is my right, according to our Constitution that we piss all over.Il" "First question of the night, sir." "Set the tone." "Okay." "First of all, on behalf of everyone here, thanks a lot for coming to England." "'t's great to have you here." "Thank you, very grateful to be here." "Thank you." "Thank you." "My question is regarding your fictional cartoon characters..." "..." "Bluntman and Chronic." "Yes." "Is there a chance that we might see a Bluntman and Chronic movie?" "And a'so, if you don't make one is there a particular Marvel or DC comic character that yould like to make a movie about seeing as youlve already starred in Daredevil," "So basically, in England there's a 45-part question?" "It's never as simple as, like, llWho would you fuck?" "Il" "Ilm like, llWell...." "Il" "Let's take it piece by piece." "live gotta wait for you to get around the room, so I've gotta get it all in now." "Right, right." "Cram it all in there." "Exactly." "I understand." "I grew up fat." "So I always understand the feeling of, like, I'this might be my last meal.Il" "That's why that's" "You feel my pain, thank you." "You got--?" "Oh, really?" "All right, let me see what your gut." "You don't look that fat." "Youlre sitting next to a chick?" "Do you know him?" "No?" "You will by the end of the night." "Ilm gonna romance you two." "For each other." "Oh, youlre with him?" "Fuck that guy." "Why--?" "He seems rather fit." "Go for the heavy guy." "Heavy guys are awesome lovers." "Once you get past the grotesque swinging gut." "Heavy guys try harder because theylve got a lot to make up for." "And theylre so fucking slobberingly grateful for even the tiniest piece of pussy theylre thrown you will be eaten out like youlve never been eaten out before." "Youlll be eaten out like a man coming off a desert island digging into a chicken." "I mean, you do have the skil's to back this up, right?" "I would hate to go this distance and have you be like.." "I'sorry, I like cock, you know.Il" "So Bluntman and Chronic." "Are we ever gonna make a Bluntman and Chronic movie?" "Came close." "And that's what eventually became Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back." "Like, I had initially thought;" "IlHey, maybe a whole movie about Bluntman and Chronic.Il" "I forget who I ran it past." "I think I ran it past Mewes, and I was like;" "IlWhat about us as superheroes the whole movie?" "Il" "He was like, llYou really wanna do that?" "Il" "I was like, llWouldn't it be cool?" "We can do, like, a fake comic-book movie.Il" "He's like, llYoulre gonna wear tights?" "Il" "I was like, llYoulre right, maybe just a scene.Il" "Because we don't need that." "So, no, probably no Bluntman and Chronic feature." "Maybe in the comic-book form." "Maybe llll get around to doing another Bluntman and Chronic comic but I can't see myself doing a whole" " A whole feature about it." "And what about the sort of X-Men-type character angle?" "Would you ever think about doing like a Batman- or Superman-type movie?" "Or a Fantastic Four?" "Do a big comic-book movie?" "Yeah." "At one point I was attached, and still am kind of, to The Green Hornet," "I was gonna" " I was doing Superman at one point a long time ago." "But" " And we won't talk about that anymore." "But I was attached to do Green Hornet, ...up till recently when I decided to not direct it." "I wrote it." "I turned in a first draft, turned in a second draft but I don't wanna direct it, because for me I don't have the patience to do a movie like that." "Like, Harvey Weinstein, the chairman of Miramax is like;" "IlYou wanna do the Green Hornet movie?" "Il" "And I was like, llYou wanna give me--?" "You wanna give me a comic-book movie?" "I love comic books.Il" "He's like, I'that's why I asked you.Il" "Said, lll would fucking love to do it.Il" "It was one of those things that youlre so happy to get that you don't think about it until, you know the smoke is fucking cleared and it's announced and shit like that that you have no interest in doing it whatsoever." "Like, I love watching comic-book movies, but making one?" "Fucking boring." "Like, the few times I've actually had to shoot an action sequence what passed for an action sequence in some of the flicks welve done it's always so tedious and fucking slow and it's just, like, you grab this little piece here then you shoot that fucking until it's right then you grab this little piece here." "It's a series of cuts." "Whereas, shooting dialogue, it's just people shooting the shit and theylre saying the dialogue you wrote and lim kind of in love with my own shit, so it's just fun." "Ilm like, I'that's great, let's do it again.Il Like, ll't wasn't good enough?" "Il" "Ilm like, ll't was great, I just wanna hear it again.Il" "Action sequences take like a day to shoot and at the end of the day, when you cut it together it's like maybe 1 0 seconds of screen time." "So that kind of shit's boring to me." "A'so, I just don't have it in me to be a real, like, visual, visceral director." "Like, llm not the guy-- My version of the Green Hornet, ...would be, like, the Green Hornet and Kato Ieaning against the Black Beauty the amazing super car that can do anything and talking about, you know, pussy." "I mean, it's that simple." "And then Kato would just be like;" "IlHey, is that a crime happening over there?" "Il" "Pointing off camera." "And we wouldn't even pan to it." "And Green Hornet would be like, llYeah, youlre right." "We should do something about it." "Let's roll, Kato.Il" "And then they step out of the frame and we hold on the car, and we just hear shit ass kicking, and then the two come back and theylre just like;" "I'so where was I?" "Oh, totally, dude." "Anal sex has nothing to do--ll You know, and just go on from there." "And nobody wants to make that movie." "Like, if I could get away with making that version of the movie like, the least visually interesting comic-book movie of all time that's essentially like one of my chick" "One of my flicks, but just putting motherfuckers in masks, lld do it." "But nobody will finance that." "And the thing is, once you take a budget" "Like, the budget in Green Hornet is gonna be like 50, 70, 80 million bucks." "Once you take a budget you have to start listening to what other people say." "It's no longer your flick." "Green Hornet would never be my movie." "It would always be like this movie that was kind of noted to death because, wisely, the people who invest the money in it which would be Miramax or whatever the new company Miramax becomes or Harvey and Bob become when they leave Miramax they would wanna make back their investment." "You don't make your money back doing my version of the movie." "So essentially theyld be like;" "IlAn action beat has got to happen every 1 0 pages.Il" "Youlve got to follow a formula." "Like, yould hear a lot of like, llDo it like Spider-Man,ll" "Something like" " What, he should shoot fucking webs and act really stiffly?" "I was gonna say, if you were to make it would you put Affleck in the leading role?" "I would totally cast Affleck." "Totally, totally." "I would cast that dude in anything." "Anything whatsoever." "Yeah, Green Hornet," "Ild cast him as Green Hornet and Kato." "Just have him doing a really insu'ting Asian accent." "Do split screen." "Have him talk to himself." "IlKato, do you like pussy?" "Il llOh, me love pussy.Il" "Just where critics were like, llWe don't even know what to say." "He's fucking lost his mind." "Yeah, it's funny, but he lost his mind, you know?" "Il" "So, no, youlve got to give movies like that to people like Bryan Singer." "Like, you know, I love-- He did the X-Men, he did X-Men 2." "And I love those movies." "He's doing Superman now." "And I love fucking X-Men 2," "I thought that was an insanely well-made comic-book movie and balanced a lot of story lines and shit like that." "And just it works so well because it's just one big, gay parable." "You know, essentially X-Men is about being gay and how weird it is to live in a world surrounded by people who are like;" "IlYoulre gay.Il" "So it's totally entertaining." "But meanwhile, you know, most people don't view it like that." "Most people view it, you know, the way it's presented where fucking Toad is getting the shit beat out of him by Cyclops or some such shit." "Or Wolverine is taking on fucking" "Colonel Stryker's attacking-- The team attacking the mansion." "But me, llm sitting there going, I'this is all about being gay.Il" "So you come out of the theater and little kids are like, lll love Wolverine.Il" "And youlre like, llCome here, come here." "You like Wolverine, dude?" "Because if you like Wolverine it's pretty much saying that yould put a cock in your mouth." "Let me explain shit to you about what a gay parable this movie is.Il" "Then you drop science on, you know, a little 1 0-year-old for 20 minutes and then, by the end, you send him off into the world ready to eat cock." "Because that's what the X-Men movie is." "It's just preparing a whole next generation of kids to be like;" "IlHey, it's all right to be gay." "Ilm down with it." "Wolverine's gay." "That fat guy told me he is.Il" "So lim kind of hoping Bryan Singer takes, like, Superman and just turns that into a gay parable as well." "Just make it all about how Superman's gay and Lois is like, llOh, Superman!" "Il And he's like, llWhatever." "Hey, Jimmy I see you have a camera.Il" "So, I don't" " Give it to those cats." "Those cats know how to make movies like that." "I don't know how to make movies like that and lim really not that interested." "Like, as soon as the smoke cleared from Green Hornet and the fallout of Jersey Girl, I was just like;" "IlYou know what, fuck, lld rather make a small movie.Il" "Ild rather make something cheap." "And that's eventually" "Then we were working on the Clerks X DVD, the 1 0th anniversary DVD." "And I was like, I'this is what lid rather do." "Ild rather go back and see what these dudes are about.Il" "It's like making The Green Hornet, just taking off the mask." "Well, my version of The Green Hornet, But just taking off the mask." "So that's where I switch and was just like;" "I'this is what lid rather-- This is what lim made to do.Il" "Like, I'this is what I like to do, shit like this.Il" "I love to watch comic-book movies just don't wanna make them." "Too lazy." "Way too lazy." "Because they just require too much effort and shit like that." "Ilm the guy who, like-- I don't even fuck on top, sir." "Like, llm a bottom guy because being on top takes too much energy." "Like, well, how can I direct a superhero movie if I won't even have" " Give my wife the courtesy of climbing aboard." "Where lim just like, llGo.Il" "Maybe youlre looking to be the antihero in that?" "In my relationship with my wife?" "Like lim the villain and shit?" "I hadn't thought about it like that." "I guess so." "My idea of being Lex Luthor is like, llNo, you fuck me.Il" "IlDon't you want to take over the world?" "Il" "IlNo." "I just don't want to do the fucking because I get sweaty, and then the gut swings." "Just, you jump onboard and tell me when youlre done and then llll wrap up, and welll watch some TV.'l" "So no Bluntman and Chronic." "Thanks a lot." "Right on." "Upstairs." "Hello." "Hello." "Where are you?" "lim actually up here." "You missed me." "Hello." "One, I think youlre great." "I love all your movies and your comics." "Thank you." "IlComics.'l" "Your comics." "So cute." "IlComics.'l" "llNever read one because lim a girl.'l" "That is not true!" "You read comics?" "I've got loads." "Youlre a comic-reading chick?" "Yes." "Right on." "Hard-core." "Got over 300." "You must be fucking swamped in a comic-book store." "I used to work at Forbidden Planet, so I've got loads of access." "Did you really?" "You worked there?" "Yeah." "You know half those dudes came in they didn't even give a shit about comics, they were just like;" "I'she's got boobies.'l" "Big ones, I know." "I'she's one of those, what do you call them?" "What do you call them, Gordon?" "Ladies." "Yes." "She's one of them ladies." "Hello, love.'l" "My accent" " My accent's not that bad." "It's not that bad?" "live got a comic-book store." "I know what lim talking about." "Same shit, they just don't have the cute accent." "Illl come work in your shop, then." "Yeah." "Oh, please do." "Weld triple business." "Weld triple foot traffic." "I don't know if anybody would buy anything unless you were like;" "IlWho wants to buy this, I rubbed it on me bum.'l" "Then yould see motherfuckers trample one another to get a book that touched a lady's bum." "I hope you got a question." "My question is, though, you listed Shaun of the Dead, ...as one of your top-1 0-favorite films of last year" "I loved Shaun of the Dead." "Would you consider working with them?" "That's so easy, man." "You just come to the fucking" "Do the hometown favorites." "Youlre like, lll love Shaun of the Dead,ll theylre like;" "I'so did we." "Welre fucking British.'l" "I love The Office." "IlHe's a smart one, he is.'l" "I don't like The Office," "You don't like The Office?" "No." "Get out." "You didn't like The Office?" "No." "Office is brilliant." "'t takes all sorts." "That job I offered you?" "Forget it." "It does take all sorts." "So anyway, your question was?" "Would you consider working with them?" "Would I consider working with the bunch that did Shaun of the Dead?" "I mean, yeah, if they were like, llHey, you wanna be in our movie?" "Try to ruin it like you ruin all yours?" "Il" "I just can't imagine they would-- They don't need help, man." "Those dudes are doing great." "I never saw Spaced, is that what it's called?" "Yeah." "It's really scary." "Until I was flying over and watched an episode on the plane." "Fucking brilliant." "It's really, really cool." "So lim gonna grab like" "I guess the first three seasons are out here?" "There's only two." "There's only two?" "Yeah, welve been bugging them for the third season for quite a long time now." "When you say llwe,ll you mean?" "The British public." "Me and my bloke." "We go to the network, welre like where's three, eh?" "It's like the first question that's always asked, like, llWhat's a Nubian?" "Il" "IlWhen's season three coming out?" "Il llOh, for fuck's sake.'l" "They get that question a lot, do they?" "And then theylre like, llWait a second, youlre one of them ladies.'l" "Yeah, so I like that." "I thought that was really funny and kind of very much in the" "Looked and fe't like Shaun of the Dead." "So now I wanna see all that." "I love those dudes, but I don't think theyld need any help." "Seem to have their own crew going." "Call them." "Next time they work an event, llll tell them to call you." "Right on." "I think lim gonna see them." "I think-- lim doing the Empire Awards." "Ilm getting an Empire Award." "Empire magazine has an awards thing they do every year and theylre giving me an award." "And I think those dudes are gonna be there, so lim gonna hit them up." "Be like, llCan I be in one of your movies?" "Il" "Theylre like, lll think the fat Clerks guy wants to be in one of our shows." "No.'l" "Thank you very much." "llJ." "Lo lover.'l" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Down here." "Yes, sir?" "Yeah, a while ago you did the commentary the director's-cut commentary, with Richard Kelly." "I did the Donnie Darko commentary, yes." "Just, basically, I wanted to know, A, how that came about and, B, there was a kind of phrase that you said where you kind of said to Richard;" "IlNow youlve done Donnie Darko people are wanting you to remake this film, like, over and over.'l" "And you said that's basically how you fe't with Clerks." "I was just gonna ask, with hindsight would you actually consider going back and maybe have done Jersey Girl earlier or maybe have done something without Jay and Bob?" "Would l--?" "Well, I don't think now, having done Jersey Girl, ...I don't think lid ever make another movie without Jay and Silent Bob." "Because people are like, llAre they in it?" "No?" "Fuck it." "Fuck it.'l" "But, no, I don't think lid ever do" "Ild have ever done anything differently, looking back." "I really kind of like the way the dominoes fell." "You know, and it sucked that Jersey Girl didn't do more business but, like, whatever, it doesn't make me go and wanna go back and to catch the fucking DeLorean, jump back in time and nearly have sex with my mother." "For the record, I took my brother to see Jersey Girl," "He said it was your Annie Hall, which I think is a really big compliment." "And he said what?" "He said it was your Annie Hall." "My Annie Hall?" "I thought he was like, ll't was your only hole.'l" "What is that?" "British slang for, like, llgood jobll?" "It's your only hole, mate." "Youlre only fucking hole you fucking cunt." "Annie Hall?" "He called it my Annie Hall?" "That's very sweet." "I basically mumble because some fat guy told me about Wolverine was gay, you see." "So youlre gay?" "Not really." "No?" "Lot more options when youlre gay." "Shit's opened up." "I was at a comic-book show and...." "Pun intended." "I was at a comic-book show in San Francisco about two weeks ago the WonderCom and at the same time, across the street they were having this big bear convention about the bear movement." "Like where big dudes who look like me, and, if I may, like you who are kind of, you know, hairy and large are referred to in the gay community as llbears.'l" "There apparently are a bunch of dudes who like dudes who look like us." "Those dudes are called cubs." "Or twinks." "But I like llcubs.'l That's cute." "So apparently, like, these dudes make out like" "Like my friend Malcolm Ingram." "Big, big burly dude." "I don't know, you mightlve seen him in stuff." "He directed Drawing Flies, and he's been around some of our stuff." "Great guy." "Big Canadian idiot." "But one day he was just like-- He called me up" "And he never represented himself as being anything but into chicks." "Then one day he called me up like, llFucking weirdest thing happened.'l" "I was like, llWhat is it?" "Il He said, lll went out with some dude." "Went out to dinner, and turned out it was a fucking date.'l" "And I was like, llWhat?" "Il And he was just like;" "Ill just thought I was going out to dinner with a fucking dude and it was the fucking date load." "All of a sudden, we were on a date." "He told me he was gay and we were on a date, eh?" "Il" "I was like, llWell, did you then accept the fact that you were on a date or--?" "Il" "He was like, llWell, you know, he was paying.'l" "So that was Malcolm's" "Years later, I realized that was Malcolm's charming way of saying;" "IlHey, llm gay,ll without just saying, llHey, llm gay.'l" "He acted like he got fucking hornswoggled into being gay." "I'some dude bought me a pizza, and all of a sudden lim gay." "Go figure." "Well, I guess that's what I am, you know.'l" "So Malcolm told me, Malcolm's like;" "IlDude, fucking A, if you liked guys yould be huge in the bear community because, you know, you fucking make movies and youlre very sexy to cubs.'l" "And I was like, llWhat?" "Il" "And he was like, I'truly." "You wanna see?" "This is a picture of my boyfriend.'l" "And Malcolm whipped out a picture of his boyfriend and I would fuck this dude." "Like this dude's real, like, Joe-college cute and shit like that." "Like real good-looking dude." "And the fact that he wants to fuck Malcolm is like...." "I wanna get the kid some therapy." "Some help." "Because I got no problem with being gay but, like, being gay and wanting to fuck Malcolm?" "Youlre like, llllm choosing a life of nothing but fucking ridicule and people fucking getting on my ass and I can't fucking do what straights fucking do without hearing it from the fucking Church and lim gonna fuck the fat bearded guy too,ll you know?" "Like just make it a little harder on himself." "So Malcolm's like, llllm telling you, man if this straight thing don't work out for you you can totally fucking fuck a lot of guys.'l" "And I was like, llAll right, man, that's good to know.'l" "Because it would just kind of open up a world of options." "He's like, llYou go to a fucking bear bar, yould be Marilyn Monroe.'l" "And that's when I started thinking about it." "Because I always kind of wanted to be like Marilyn Monroe." "That didn't pan out for me." "So lim like, llEssentially these dudes are like chubby chasers?" "Il" "He's like, llYeah, you know, you don't have to be mean about it.'l" "And I was like, llWell, I married a chubby chaser, apparently.'l" "He's like, llWell, but, you know, she don't have a dick.'l" "And that's when we moved onto another topic." "So, yeah, bears, dude. if you ever think about" " Fucking, yould make out." "Apparently." "Yeah." "You like chicks, though?" "Yeah." "I haven't found one in about 1 0 years though, so...." "Time to try the guys." "I know." "What was your question, though?" "I mean, basically, the whole Donnie Darko thing was because apparently youlre in Southland Tales?" "Ilm in Richard's movie Southland Tales," "He cast me in it." "I don't know if lim in it yet." "We haven't shot yet." "'t's just kind of the whole kind of second movie thing." "I mean, if you could go back in time would you do Mallrats with Miramax rather than Universal?" "Yeah, basically, if I could go back in time and narrowly avoid sleeping with my mother like Marty McFly I wouldn't have made the movie" "I wouldn't have made Mallrats at Universal." "I would have waited another year and then made it at Dimension." "Because at that point Dimension existed as this kind of genre offshoot of Miramax but they didn't do comedy, they only did shit like The Crow," "So a year later they started doing genre comedy as well." "So we could totally fit right in there." "Which is where we wound up doing Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back," "That was about it." "That would be the only thing I would kind of think about changing." "But I don't really have any regrets regarding doing Mallrats at Universal." "I mean, I did on opening weekend, when the movie did, like, no business." "But then the movie found its audience." "It was kind of this wonderful organic discovery of its audience." "And the audience discovered it, and suddenly it fe't like;" "I'that's the way it was supposed to happen.'l" "I just wish somebody told me when I had the fucking shotgun in my mouth." "The day after the movie opened, you know, where I was just like;" "IlOh, it's over.'l" "But I didn't have any bullets." "So I don't think I would have changed that." "Southland Tales is a movie Richard Kelly is doing." "For those of you who don't know Richard Kelly he's the guy who directed Donnie Darko," "And he was like, llHey, you wanna be in this flick?" "Il" "And I was like, llRight on.'l" "Because you ask me to be in a movie, llm like, llOkay.'l" "Because lim kind of a whore for that thing, that kind of shit." "So I said, llWhat do I do?" "Il" "And he was just like, llYoulre a guy who" "Youlre kind of like a Harry Knowles kind of guy." "You run an internet site." "It's not really a movie, it's called Southland Tales." "You traffic in Southland section of Los Angeles gossip." "Kind of like a Drudge." "And I was like, llRight on.'l" "So, you know, I read it." "Brilliant script." "I was like, llllm totally in.'l" "A month ago, he wrote me an e-mail, he's going;" "Illlm doing a redraft of your character, and youlre still the guy who you are but now youlre an Iraqi war vet and you have no legs.'l" "So I was like, llLike Lieutenant Dan?" "Il" "He said, llKind of like that.'l" "He's going, llA'so, I was wondering and I hope you don't take this too personally but I was wondering if" " Do you think you could lose 50 pounds to do it?" "Il" "And I was like, lllf you chop off my legs, I will lose 50 pounds.'l" "I said, llOther than that, unless youlve got, you know like gastric bypass in your budget that's really not gonna happen, Richard.'l" "He's like, llRight, right." "What about shaving your head?" "Il" "And I was like, llNo." "That shit's going thin already." "Like, llm not gonna speed the plow on that one." "Fuck it.'l" "He was like, llAll right." "But you will pretend you have no legs?" "Il" "I was like, llYeah, that's easy.'l" "He's like, llRight on.'l Click." "Because he's just, you know" "He's the most normal guy youlll sit there and talk to." "He's a dude from Virginia and shit." "Real straight-laced." "Good guy." "Talk movies and shit." "But, like, then you see Donnie Darko and the credits roll, and youlre like, llWhat the fuck happened?" "What happened in that movie?" "Il" "And I ask him, and he still can't fucking explain it." "Southland Tales, you can understand." "It kind of" " Like, it makes sense." "But Donnie Darko, still to this day, is fucking mystifying." "And he" " I don't even think he knows what the fuck it means." "I think he just shot a bunch of shit, threw it in the air taped it back together and said, llHere it is.'l" "And people were like, ll't's brilliant!" "Il Especially here." "They loved it here." "You guys ate it up like fucking candy over here." "In the States, people are like;" "But here they were like, llDarko." "Darko's our religion,ll you know." "Richard is very, very happy with the reception of the movie here." "I told him I was coming over here and he was like, I'they love my movie there, dude.'l" "I was like, llllll be sure to drop your name.'l" "He's like, llBut don't tell them the role I want you to play in Southland Tales,ll" "I said, lll won't." "Il" "We good?" "Thanks very much." "Thank you, sir." "Thank you, sir." "Yes?" "ln Jersey Girl one of the funniest bits, I found, was the whole Will Smith story line." "Yes." "I just wondered how you managed to get him in the film." "Did he had to have a special contract where he was contractually obligated not to do any of his raps?" "That's one very long question that just builds up to you fucking slamming Will Smith." "You don't even wanna know anything." "Youlre just like, llllm going to ask a question and totally make fun of Will Smith." "The floor is mine.'l" "I think he's great, but the raps are a bit dodgy." "Theylre dodgy, are they?" "You don't go for, like, llGet Jiggy Wit 't?" "Il" "It's a shame." "Illl let him know." "You are a white girl, though." "I don't know if he really writes for you." "How did we get him?" "It was, basically-- There was a contract involved." "It was a contract he had to sign that said this would be the lowest-grossing movie he's ever been in." "Because that movie-- Like, he opens in movies and just fucking...they fucking explode and shit." "We were probably the lowest-grossing movie that dude's done in 1 0 years." "Like, llm sure he looks at his track record, he's like;" "IlHundred million, 1 00 million, 1 00-- What the fuck's that?" "It goes off the chart.'l" "I'that's Jersey Girl,ll" "IlFucking fat guy." "Ruined my edge.'l" "How did we do it?" "We got him through Ben and Jen, really." "Because I sent him the scene and shit, and sent him a letter" "Originally, it was written for Bruce Willis because it was set in l85, and it was around that period where Bruce Willis thought he was a singer for a little while." "I don't know if you all remember that?" "When he was Bruno and he released an album as Bruno?" "When you pick up the album, youlre like, I'that looks like Bruce Willis.'l" "And people would be like;" "Il't is.'l" "He did." "He released two albums as fucking Bruno and shit." "As if we wouldn't notice that it was Bruce Willis." "And held go on stage, and people would be like;" "IlYou gotta call him Bruno.'l" "I thought that was so funny." "So I wrote about that." "Like, basically he ran into" "Basically, the thing that Ollie got fired for for was for essentially being;" "Il't's fucking Bruce Willis." "It's not Bruno.'l" "And then later on he met him years later and shit like that." "And we sent it to Bruce Willis, and Bruno, just to be safe." "I never heard back from him." "Ben was just like, llllll fucking handle this, dude." "We were in the fucking space-rock movie together." "Running from the space rock and shit." "Helll fucking answer me back because I was like, lHarry, I love you.'ll" "And Harry didn't answer him back and shit." "Harry's like, lll don't love you back,ll you know." "So we never got a response, so I rewrote it." "I was thinking, llAll right, that leaves us out of l85." "We can update it." "And who is, you know, if I count back Gertie's age who would be the pop-cu'ture figure who was, like, big now who wasn't that big then.'l And I was like, llOh, shit, Will Smith.'l" "So I wrote it for Will Smith and then we got it to him, and he was like;" "IlYou know, I kind of-- 't's funny, and lid kind of like to do it but I think if I play myself people might think lim arrogant.'l" "Because he's such a sweet guy, and so, like, unassuming and one of the best people in the business." "Real sweetheart of a fucking dude." "So I was like, llYoulve gotta talk to him, dude,ll you know, to Ben." "I was like, I'talk to him." "Talk that famous-person talk to him and shit." "Start talking, like, in the millions and whatever you guys make and shit." "Bentleys, Hummers, throw those words around." "You know, and maybe helll say yeah.'l" "So Ben talked to him and shit, and Ben was just like;" "IlLook, man, like, don't worry." "Like, he's easy to work with and shit." "And youlll come off great." "Trust me, like, you playing yourself, you come off way better than when I played myself in this motherfucker's last movie." "So do it.'l" "So basically, those" " Ben-- And then a'so Jen talked to him because they were gonna do a movie together at one point Will and Jen, this remake of A Star Is Born or something." "So she knew him through that." "So they both basically asked him and spoke to him and made him feel at ease." "And he was like, llAll right, llll do it.'l" "Showed up, greatest fucking-- The sweetest dude in the world." "No entourage and shit." "Nice dude." "And it was weird, like, rehearsing with him because youlre, like-- Held do the lines, llm like;" "IlYou wouldn't say it like that.'l" "He's like, llWell, the hell I wouldn't." "It's me, ain't it?" "Il You know." "Ilm like, llAll right, youlre right." "Get jiggy with it,ll you know?" "What's the big chav community out here?" "What's the big chav community out here?" "Not in this room." "Anyone--?" "Is anyone really--?" "What is indicative or representative of a chav here?" "Burberry?" "Burberry?" "Is that a town, or the scarf?" "It's a scarf?" "So if you wear a Burberry scarf youlre a chav?" "So my wife is a chav?" "Trousers tucked into socks?" "A chav will take your wallet?" "Good to know." "I know a few chavs." "I brought one with me." "Are you back there, chav?" "This shit's always pretty well planned." "Is there a chav buried back there anywhere?" "Is there one?" "Ladies and gentlemen, my chav, Jason Mewes." "What's a chav again?" "They love me." "It's amazing." "Why don't you field some questions, sir?" "Ilm here." "Ilm ready." "I have a story to tell, though." "Yeah?" "About your toilets." "Yes." "I think lim gonna bring the toilets that you have out here because it's really deep and there's hardly any water in it." "So I feel bad for the women who have to clean the shit that, like, slides on the side." "But I was shitting before I came out here." "I know you was wanting to know that." "But I went to give myself a courtesy flush and the water comes from the front and it fucking splashed all over my bal's." "I had to tell that story." "I was thinking, llm" "So I think lim gonna bring it home, and lim gonna put it next to my bidet and lim gonna be able to clean my ass and my bal's before I get my dick sucked." "Isn't that right?" "It's a really good thing." "But anyway, I thought it was pretty amusing." "My bal's are clean now, so if anyone wants to suck my dick?" "Ladies, that's an open invitation." "No?" "No takers." "Or fellas." "And itlll never get more appealing than that." "A dude who's bal's have been washed by toilet water." "It's gross, though, what" "Like, the women have to clean that shit, you know?" "When the water rushed at your bal's, did it mix with the shit water?" "No, because it shoots out the front." "It shoots out the front, and it's so deep that the shit's way down anyway." "But it's, like, there's no water for the shit to, like, go in so it just slides down the side of the fucking...." "It's pretty gross, so" " You just have to deal with it all the time, I guess." "We were on our way here today, and the" "Oh, no." "Yes, sir." "The cutest thing happened." "We get off" "When you travel international and shit you gotta fill out a card, the disembark" "Embarkation card?" "Disembarking--?" "The fucking card you gotta fill out any time you go someplace, like a different country." "And, you know, they ask for your name and ask for your passport number and then they ask for your nationality." "And, you know, welre American, so I wrote llAmerican.'l" "Then I looked at Jason's card and under nationality he wrote llPolish.'l" "I learned something new today." "You did." "I was like, llWhat, dude?" "What?" "Il" "He was like, llWell, you know, I've got some Polish in me.'l" "I was like, I'that's not what theylre asking there." "Theylre asking the country of your birth, sir.'l" "I really didn't know." "No." "I think they thought it was a joke, like I wrote it as a joke, but, no, I didn't." "We thought the dude was gonna be like, I'so youlre from Poland, then?" "Il" "IlNo.'l" "IlWell, that's funny, because it says here that youlre Polish." "Which isn't really a nationality.'l" "The guy just let me through because I was laughing so hard." "He was like, llGo.'l" "We were in line laughing, and the dude was like, llWhat's so funny?" "Il" "And I was like, llMy friend's a fucking idiot.'l" "IlWelcome to the U.K.'l" "Yes, sir." "If you could be half man, half sausage which way around would you have it and why?" "One more time." "If I could be half man and half sausage...?" "Which way around would you have it and why?" "Well, that's the part that...." "Right, so you could have, like, top half man, bottom half sausage." "Okay, so which end would I rather be the man?" "Or top half sausage, bottom half man, so you can run around." "Classic." "Which side--?" "Which side do I want to be the sausage side?" "Oh, yeah." "That is hands down the best question I've ever been asked." "I would choose bottom-half sausage because then I would finally have a massive dick." "Top half, not real good." "Genius." "That's brilliant." "Is it a good enough answer?" "Not nearly as brilliant as the question, though." "live seen you cameo on shows and movies and stuff." "Do you just--?" "People call you up that admire your work and ask you to be on these shows or do you have like an agent?" "Do you actively try and get work?" "The only" " There were two shows that I actually pursued." "Or I didn't" " It wasn't hardly-- It was hardly a pursuit." "It was me going, llCan I do this?" "Il" "And somebody was like, llYeah, I guess.'l" "And one was Law  Order." "I was a huge Law  Orderwhore." "And I called up my agent, and I was like, llYou never do anything for me.'l" "He was like, llExcellent way to start a conversation." "I can tell you want something.'l I said, llYes, I do." "I would love to be on Law  Order I."" "He's going, llWhat do you wanna play?" "Like, the fucking suspect?" "You want to be a lawyer?" "You know, one of the defense attorneys?" "Il" "I said, llNo, I just wanna be the guy that leads them to the guy that leads them to the guy who leads them to the suspect.'l" "He's like, llLet me see what I can do.'l" "Called back 1 0 minutes later, he's like;" "IlYou go to New York next week." "Youlre in." "Il" "I was like;" "And I went, and I wound up being the guy who lead them to a guy who lead them to the guy who lead them to the suspect." "You know, it was fucking awesome." "Yeah, I saw it." "It was kind of-- It was just fun to do." "It was creepy because I wasn't expecting" "You know, Law  Order, in America, is on pretty much 24 hours a day." "Yeah, basically." "I mean, it's on like four different channe's." "USA, NBC...." "But anyway, I was watching, llm like" "TNT." "It's a good show to watch when you basically don't wanna watch anything because everything's wrapped up in an hour." "So lim watching, llm going, llYeah--ll" "Well, that's like most TV." "Well, I know, I know." "Everything wraps up rather quickly." "Well, anyhow...." "So lim watching it, llm mildly interested, I go, llKevin Smith!" "Il" "Yeah." "Now I've got heightened interest in this one." "That was my reaction, as well, and I knew I was gonna be in it." "What I did was, I went to the mall, to a TV store and just hung out there turned every TV to fucking Law  Order and waited." "And then when I popped up, I was like, llKevin Smith.'l" "And there was one 55-year-old black guy who was like, I'that's the dude from Leno.'l" "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Yes?" "Hi, what was it like working with Will Ferrell and have you got any funny stories about that?" "Again?" "What was it like working with Will Ferrell?" "Will Ferrell." "I don't know what the fuck you said." "Honestly, I thought you were like, llWhat was it like with Boba Fett?" "Il" "And I was like, lll don't know, what was it like with Boba Fett?" "Il" "IlWell, it was quite nice, actually.'l" "What was it like working with Will Ferrell?" "You know, the dude's hysterical as fucking hell." "Just really, really funny guy." "Constantly, like, making jokes, but not like, you know...kind of jokes." "Just constantly funny." "Can't help but be funny." "Even when he tries to be serious, the dude's kind of funny." "So no, like, killer fucking stories." "He would come in, shoot, and then go back because he was working on SNL at the same time so we didn't get to hang out much." "Do you--?" "You have any--?" "No Will Ferrell stuff?" "Nothing." "Great guy." "No." "Funny." "Funny." "Sweet." "Can I ask Jason a question?" "Yes, please do." "I was wondering if yould make my night and say I'snoochie boochiesll in a seductive way to me." "Oh, no." "I don't know if I can do that." "'t's not a sexy word, is it?" "Please?" "Now youlve got me on the spot." "I don't know if I can do this." "Hold on." "Let me get in the mood." "Snoochie boochies." "I tried." "I never had to do that before." "That might work, huh?" "Are you a little wet in the pants?" "Yeah." "You are?" "It might work." "Ilm gonna try that tonight when I go out." "Illl be like, I'snooch.'l" "Thanks." "Thank you." "Ilm by myself." "Questions?" "Anywhere?" "Fuck this thing." "Fuck that." "Fuck these guys." "Up here." "Fuck that." "Youlre too far." "Dude." "Fuck the mike." "It's my show now." "It's Evening With Jay Mewes." "What?" "Do something for us." "Do a monologue." "Do a monologue about eating a clit, licking the clit." "Do it." "Okay." "All right." "You say youlre the clit commander." "Can I be your commander in chief?" "I like the clit too." "I love the clit." "I love the clit." "And I take my" " Just dip it in." "But youlve got get the hood apart." "Youlve gotta just pry the hood apart." "And then just get your tongue in just underneath there and then just tease it, tease it a little bit with your finger tip and then slide underneath the clit, and around and then inside, inside, inside and then back to the clit, back to the clit." "Don't over do it." "Not too hard." "Don't bite." "Never bite the clit." "Never suck too hard." "Just lick it, lick it gently." "How was that?" "Love that." "Was that okay?" "lf it was my movie, lld cast you, sir." "Thank you." "lf I could cast you, I would." "Thank you." "Awesome." "I might want you to eat my ass tonight, sir." "Sorry, I don't do ass, sir." "Oh, come on, sir." "Oh, okay." "Maybe in your case llll make an exception." "That was awesome." "You know Woody Allen don't have q and a's like this." "Where were we?" "I think she was" "She's got a mike." "Who was it?" "Hi, I had a refined question." "But, no, after that." "Me and my friend Neil earlier were talking about sex euphemisms." "My personal favorite being llpole in the hole.'l" "And Neil's" " What was yours?" "Would you like a portion?" "Did you see my man?" "Yeah." "You know, she's" " You know what she said, right?" "No?" "I didn't hear a word." "Sex euphemisms." "What's your favorite sex euphemism?" "And yours was what?" "Pole in the hole." "Pole in the hole." "And she said" " What's his name?" "Neil." "And she goes, llNeil has one." "What's yours?" "Il" "And he goes;" "She puts the mike down;" "IlWould you like a portion?" "Il" "It was the delivery that was genius." "Brilliant delivery." "Would you like a portion?" "Right on." "That's my new euphemism." "What's yours?" "It's that, now." "Would you like a portion?" "What--?" "What is mine?" "What's my favorite sex euphemism?" "I don't even really have a dirty one because my wife doesn't let me get away with really dirty ones." "Youlre" " What's yours?" "How about llgive her a couple of inchesll?" "What's that?" "A couple inches?" "I said, llHow about give her a couple of inches?" "Il" "That's a" " Really?" "Is that what gir's say over here?" "Maybe just me." "Fuck, welre in the wrong country." "Because you asked for just a couple inches, that's what you get from me." "'t's all in." "'t's there." "All in." "That's bal's deep right there." "Can I ask a nicer question?" "Have you ever been watching one of your own movies and sat there and smugly thought to yourself;" "Illlm a fucking comic geniusll?" "No." "I sit there, watch my own movies, and lim just like;" "IlWould you like a portion?" "Il" "No, I don't know, I rarely watch the movies anymore, you know because you spend so much time with them, making them that you don't really think about it." "But, you know, you spend one-- That makes no fucking sense." "You spend so much time with the fucking movies by the time the movie's done, you don't want to ever see it again." "Like, I've seen every one of those movies so many fucking times." "Then you let some years go by." "Clerks I was only able to appreciate it again recently because I hadn't watched it in a while." "I was like, ll't's pretty fucking good." "It's fun." "This dude's funny.'l" "But, never, never like, llllm a comic genius.'l" "Because, like, my man who stood up and did the fucking" "His clit monologue." "And suddenly lim like, llWell, anybody can do that shit.'l" "He's lying." "Youlre always just like, llllm fucking brilliant." "Ilm so...." "Mewes, leave.'l" "Come on." "I wanna be alone with myself." "He does." "Would you like a portion?" "What...?" "What is your euphemism for sex?" "IlKnock the bottom out,ll youlre talking about?" "Knock the bottom out." "Knocking the bottom out." "Does that work?" "Let me knock the bottom out." "So hit a girl-- Go ahead, hit her with it." "Come on, I already did the l'snooch.'l Come on." "Yeah, but you would never do that in real life." "Like, I'snoochie boochie.'l" "No, I wouldn't." "After, how do you--?" "How do you approach them?" "You just say, llLet me knock the-- Let me knock the fucking bottom outll?" "How do you say it?" "I don't know." "I mean, mine's more jokey." "Ilm not really" "So let's hear the joke." "I don't know, dude." "There's a bunch;" "IlKnock the bottom out.'l llLet me get up in them guts.'l" "You do it." "What?" "Let me--?" "Let me get up in them guts." "Dude, your mom's here." "Don't ask me this stuff, sir." "I hate it." "Because you really--?" "That fucking works on somebody?" "No, it never works." "This is what works." "Not really." "Because that" " Yeah, no...." "live got to piss really bad, so lim leaving." "And lim gonna smoke a cigarette." "And lim gonna go jerk off." "All right." "Ilm gonna go have my bal's washed, okay?" "What did he say?" "What is it?" "IlLet me get up in them gutsll?" "Is that what he said?" "Let me get up in them guts." "Would that work on you, if some dude was like, llLet me get up in them gutsll?" "Maybe if it was Jason." "Usually not." "Like that, with that harsh, hostile tone?" "Let me get up in them guts." "I think lid be like, llOh, shit.'l" "Try whispering it." "What is it?" "Try whispering it." "Try whispering it?" "I don't even think the guy can pull that off." "Itld just sound spooky, wouldn't it?" "There's nothing fun about that, or playful." "Do you like your vag being referred to as llgutsll?" "Let me get up in them guts." "Bloody hell, no." "Youlre the bear." "What was your favorite euphemism?" "Pole in the hole?" "Pole in the hole." "That's how you refer to it?" "Not normally, but it amuses me." "Not normally, though?" "No, I understand what pole in the hole means but thank you for the demonstration." "Because that was a little-- llWhat does she mean?" "Pole in the hole?" "Il" "That's when youlre sitting around with your girlfriends;" "IlOh, we got a little pole in the hole last night.'l" "But you don't say it to your man." "Youlre not like, llCome on--ll" "If lim out with my lady friends, it's llgiving away the whole pudding,ll or" "What is it?" "llGiving away the whole pudding.'l" "I didn't hear that." "What?" "Giving away the whole pudding." "llGiving away the whole puddingll?" "Yes." "You British broads are dirty." "I mean, when you say I'the whole puddingll you mean H-O-L-E, or W-H-O-L-E?" "Like llgiving away the whole puddingll or llgiving away the hole puddingll?" "Whichever takes your fancy, go for it." "Or a bit of fanny fun." "What was the other one?" "A bit of fanny fun." "A bit of funny fur?" "Fanny fun." "Fanny fun?" "Fanny fun." "Family fun?" "Fanny fun." "Spell." "F-A-N-N-Y." "Fanny fun." "Like ass play?" "No, no." "Not ass play?" "llFannyll here means llfanjita.'l" "What is it?" "Pussy." "llFannyll covers pussy here as well?" "llFannyll means llpussyll here." "Back home, fanny is your ass." "Yeah, no." "'t's not here?" "No." "That would-- I could see why every British" "British woman I've tried to fuck has been very confused." "IlWould you like a bit of fanny fun?" "Il" "IlOh, Jesus." "Yes.'l" "Ill said, fanny fun.'l" "I'so did I.'l" "So fanny is the front part, the girl part." "'t is indeed." "'t's literally ass back home." "Like, llllll spank you on your fanny.'l" "Not here." "Wouldn't wanna get spanked on your fanny." "Nasty surprises." "No." "How many international incidents have been caused because of that, you know...?" "Fanny fun." "Interesting." "Two company-- What is it, two countries--?" "Two countries separated by a common language, is that it?" "'t all comes down to llfanny fun.'l" "Yes." "And the word llfanny.'l" "I think that was the cause of the Revolutionary War." "I think so too." "Excuse me." "Yes?" "After that conversation what does your mother think of you and your career?" "I don't know." "Can we ask?" "It was weird, when I knew I was coming over here, I was like;" "IlWould you would you wanna come and see me do q and a in England because it's just like doing the q and a in America but everyone sounds smarter.'l" "Except for that broad, but...." "I forgot that the show tends to be a little bit blue." "She has spent a lot of show with her head shaking." "Have you really been shaking, up there just editorializing?" "Shaking your head like;" "My mother, in the beginning, I remember, when the movies" "When Clerks got picked up and shit, she was just like;" "Ill think it's terrible." "All they do is curse in the movie and I think that reflects poorly on me.'l" "I was like, llReally?" "Il" "She's going, llEveryone's gonna think that I raised you with a potty mouth.'l" "And I was like, llMa, llll set them straight.'l" "So here's me doing it." "And my mother never cursed at me." "My mother's one of those people that's like;" "IlOh, H-E, double hockey sticks.'l" "She don't curse, really." "Until you get her really fucking mad." "And then she's like, llFuck that fanny fun.'l" "Thank you." "Yes?" "Jason, I saw R,S, V,P," "Let me get up in them guts." "Did it work?" "No?" "All right, whatever." "Yeah, let me find out." "How old are you?" "Seventeen." "I was gonna say, she's a child." "Oh, wait." "Illlm 1 4." "What guts are you talking about?" "Mommy.'l" "Ilm out of here." "Probation." "R,S, V,P, what?" "I saw R,S, V,P, and Tail Lights Fade too." "I was wondering does anyone offer you any other kind of role other than Jay?" "Here and there." "Here and there." "Not a lot, though." "But lim doing a movie, we start shooting next month." "This guy Erik wrote and directed." "It's called Bottom's Up," "It's about fucking." "No, but Paris Hi'ton's in it." "So hopefully welll be fucking." "Not really." "But she is in it, and I think Paul Walker is in it and some other dude, I don't know." "It's like a $3 million budget." "But, no, you know, no one's beating my door down for Batman or anything like that." "So...." "'s that the dream?" "Why, are you giving me a job offer?" "You got a movie?" "My friend sort of does." "Not movie." "Not a movie." "Just this stupid thing." "He's gonna kill me." "Does this movie involve a video camera and...?" "Yes." "And Mewes and--?" "No, it's just skateboarding and things." "It's stupid." "There you go, dude." "I can do some moves, right?" "Yeah, you can fucking ollie a bus." "I could kickflip." "Totally." "Right?" "llll let him know." "I can't." "Is that your dream role?" "Batman?" "No, no." "llNobody's offering me Batman.'l" "Like if somebody called right now like, llWill you play Batman?" "Il" "Youlre like, llllm gone, moves.'l" "No, I don't" "You wouldn't do it?" "I couldn't be the Dark Knight, sir." "I couldn't play that." "What a sincere answer that was." "Not like, I'that would never happen,ll or, llYou know, it would just--ll" "Ill couldn't be the Dark Knight, sir.'l" "Thanks so much." "Thank you." "Okay, going up." "Yeah." "Good evening to both of you." "It's a question" "So very British." "IlYes, good evening to both of you.'l" "I do have a question for both of you." "If you had the job of deciding the official word of the day what would today's word be and why?" "The official word of the day?" "Official word of the day." "Can it be a hyphenate word?" "Sure." "IlFanny-fun.'l" "IlPolish.'l" "Thank you." "Thank you, good night." "Thanks, that was easy." "Shit, why aren't they all like that?" "Who's got it over here?" "Or you can pass it over to somebody." " Oh, somebody up there." " How are you?" " What's up, sir?" " Don't jump, sir, don't jump." " How old are you?" " Nineteen." "Almost incredible." " What?" " Nineteen." " Nineteen?" " Yeah." "God, you're dressed..." "You dressed formal for tonight's affair." "You got a button-down shirt and shit." "It's cold." "Not here, obviously, you know." "That shirt wards off the cold, does it?" "Well, it has, you know, something of a reverse effect in here but it was working out there." " Right on." " Right." "What's your favorite of the John Hughes flicks?" " I just thought there was more, but..." " That was it." "My favorite of the John Hughes flicks it's not the most..." "It's not the obvious." "I go for the later work." "My favorite was She's Having a Baby." "Which Jersey Girl was kind of modeled after." "And that movie failed and I don't know why I thought mine would succeed." "Probably should've patterned it after something like The Breakfast Club which was successful." "Yeah." "I mean, if you're talking about just the teen movies, the Breakfast Club." "Or I might even put Weird Science ahead of the Breakfast Club just because it's so out there." "But of the entire catalogue of his directed b..." "Directorial body of work I'd give it up for She's Having a Baby." " Thank you." " We have one guy going, "Yes."" " Thank you." " Right on." " Thank you." " Right on." "Hello." "Hi." " Hi." " Hi." "I love, like, standup comedy and stuff like that." "I was just wondering if you have any particular favorite comedians and stuff like that, that you like to see, or what...?" " Or stuff like that." " Or stuff like that." "Sam Kinison, George Carlin, Chris Rock, David Cross." "Those are the people that I really dig." "What's his name?" "Bill Hicks." "No longer with us." "Some people like that." "There's..." "Older Bill Cosby stuff I really get into." "Did you hear that album To Russell, My Brother, Whom I Slept With?" "Such a..." "I mean, it sounds dirty, but it's so not." "It's brilliant." "It's like a 35-minute bit." "One whole half side of a record, back when they made records that was essentially about two brothers trying to go to sleep at night." "Really, really fucking funny." "He was..." "He was great when he wasn't selling Jell-O." "And Jay, if he's paying attention?" " Evidently not." " Favorite comedians." "What?" "Come on." "I don't have a favorite." "I like David Cross a lot." "That's who I've been listening to with him a lot." "But I'm not one to listen to comedians, like, on tape and stuff and then watch them on HBO." "I'm not into comedians too much." "Okay, fair enough." "Okay, thank you." "Quick, right?" "She's like, "Fair enough."" "I know, but it was more like, "Fuck him."" "I don't know." " Hey, Kevin." "Hey, Jay." " Hey." " Hey." " This is one for both of you, really." "If Clerks had never been made what do you think you would be doing now?" "Sucking dick." "I was gonna say, Kevin could probably..." "Kevin could probably pimp you out." "But did you have, like, any, like, career plans or was anybody bugging you to go to college like Dante or anything like that?" "Still don't." "Still lacking a career plan." "I probably would have been still working at that convenience store because that was a really good gig." "Really good, easy gig that I dug doing." "But that was it." "And I was roofing." "I was putting roofs on houses." "I'd probably be doing the same." "Or sucking dick, I don't know." "I think it's cute that you were like, "I was roofing," then you were like:" ""Let me explain roofing to these..." "To these idiots." "I was putting roofs on houses, you dumb fucks." " You ain't got roofs here?"" " I'm not saying that at all." "When I say that to people, they're like:" " "Roofer?" "What do you mean?"" " Really?" "I bet there's a few people there who were like, "Roofer, what's a...?"" " So I was explaining it." " Was anybody confused by that?" "No?" "Well..." "They're British, dude." "They're way smarter." " They are, aren't they?" " Super intelligent." "Fuck." " Thanks." " Thank you." " Thanks." " Thank you." "You've got a question?" "Can somebody...?" "You want mine?" " Kevin." " Sir." "Was it a turn-on shooting Jen for Playboy, or was it distracting?" "And what did Jason think of the pictures?" "For those uninitiated or don't know, I shot my wife for Playboy for the 50th-anniversary issue of Playboy." "They had a bunch of directors they asked them to shoot their idea of eroticism, something erotic." "So I was like, "Well, what's more erotic than my old lady?"" "Because she's the one that does all the fucking." "So, you know, I asked them, I was just like:" ""Well, I'd like to shoot my wife, if that's cool with you."" "They were like, "Well, can we see a picture of her?"" "You know, because they looked at me, and they were like:" ""I don't know." "What chick would fuck him?"" "Then they saw a picture, they're like:" ""Yes, you can shoot her, of course." "She's very lovely, you know."" "So I got the go-ahead and shit." "And I asked Jen, and, you know, I thought she'd be like:" ""You're out of your fucking mind."" "You know, I was just like, "So I'm doing this thing for Playboy and I can shoot anything I want as long as..."" "And she's like, "I'm in."" "And I was like, "What, you wanna be in it?"" "She's like, "Oh, God, yes, that'd be so hot." "Me in Playboy?" "That'd be awesome."" "And I was like, "Really?" "You don't feel it's like...?"" "You know, because my wife is a real man-hater." "She total hates fucking men which is why she married the dude with the smallest dick imaginable." "But she really fucking hates guys and she's so insanely pro-women and shit." "And, you know, we can't even really get into porn anymore and shit because, you know, porn kind of degrades women." "That's what she says." "So I was like, "But you'll do...?" "But you'd be in Playboy?" "You don't find that degrading?" "She goes, "Oh, fuck, no." "They'll make me look hot."" "And I was like, "Wow, I'll never fathom the female mind."" "She's like, "It is kind of complex."" "So we tried to come up with a scenario." "And my first idea for what I thought was erotic involving Jen was..." "I guess it wasn't met with a resounding fucking:" "Like, I told her about it, and she was like, "What do you wanna do?"" "I was like, "Here's my idea of an erotic photo." "It's you, wearing glasses you're dressed up in a graduation cap and gown you've got one diploma in one hand and the other hand is thrown up in the air and the robe is just kind of open."" "And she was like, "What the fuck are you talking about?"" "And I was like, "I don't know." "It was the first thing that came to my mind."" "She's like, "You want me to dress up like a fucking college graduate with glasses?" "And why is that sexy?"" "I was like, "I don't know." "Because I never graduated college and, I don't know, it's the first..."" "She's like, "We're not doing that." I was like, "All right."" "I was like, "What if you dress up like Jay, and I'll be Silent Bob?"" "And then she kind of dissected that for a few hours as to why I would want to do that." ""I think you have some unresolved issues with your friend, Kevin."" "So the third time was the charm." "I was like:" ""You know what, fuck it." "You used to be a newspaper reporter..."" "Because when I met Jen, she was a journalist at USA Today." "She interviewed me." "That's how we met." "So I was like, "What if...?" "What if you were Lois Lane and we have Superman in the photo with you and he's kind of holding you sexily from behind and your skirt's blowing up, and shit like that?"" "And she was like:" ""You want some other dude to be in the picture with me?"" "And I was like, "Yeah."" "And she's like, "Well, why don't you just put on the tights?"" "And I was like, "Think about what you just said."" "And she's like, "It just means that if you stand behind me in those tights I'll look infinitely sexier than I would normally."" "And I was like, "No, I'm not gonna do that."" "I said, "We'll get some dude to do it."" "She's like, "I'm not gonna be comfortable being held by some guy."" "I was like, "Trust me, all male models are gay so you don't have to worry about anything." "It's not like the dude's gonna put the moves on you and shit."" "So she's like, "All right."" "So we hit Playboy up with it, and Playboy was just like, "Yeah, totally." "If that's what you wanna do, we'll build a set and shit."" "And we went to the studio in Santa Monica to shoot it and, you know on the drive there, she was like, "I'm nervous." "I'm really nervous."" "And I was like, "Well, you know, we'll get over it."" "And she's like, "What's this 'we' shit?" "You have clothes on."" "And I was like, "Well, what would be a...?" "Well, you wanna pick up, like, a bottle of wine?"" "She's like, "A bottle?" "Four."" "So we picked up some wine, and we went to the studio and shit." "And then they spend three hours doing makeup because they do your entire body and shit." "Not mine, hers." "And..." "And so, you know, I was walking around kind of looking at our set." "They build us a rooftop and shit like that." "Checking things out while she got ready." "And then we went through a wardrobe picking out the wardrobe, which was so funny." "I couldn't believe they had a Wardrobe Department." "I'm like, "It's Playboy." "There shouldn't be any wardrobe, you know."" "So we figured out what she was gonna wear and shit and then came to take the picture." "Suddenly, it comes a time to kind of get the gear off." "And we did it in phases." "Like, at first, it was just kind of a transparent bra and, like, panties and then the skirt, and then lost the panties and then just got down to the business." "So about a bottle of wine in which would be about an hour into the photo session all the inhibitions fall away." "Like, at first, you know, we'd take shots and there's like 12 shots per roll and between each, as we change a roll dude would come out and put a robe onto the chick who was the Wardrobe chick, put a robe on her and stuff like that." "About an hour into the session, a bottle of wine later she's like, "Fuck the robe."" "She's just, well, strolling around fucking naked which is pretty fucking hot." "And the whole thing was kind of a turn-on because it's naughty, right?" "Because nobody's supposed to be seeing your wife naked and you're surrounded by these fucking people looking at your naked wife and shit." "But the thing is, these dudes who work at Playboy the guys who, like, do the scenery and around the smoke machine and shit like that, and set up the camera they see naked women every fucking day and, oddly enough, have become inured to it." "Like, it doesn't turn them on anymore." "They're just like, "Right, tits."" "You know, it just doesn't do it for them anymore." "But every once in a while I would catch one of them fucking taking a peek and shit." "Like, they're professional and doing their job but every once in a while, I'd see one fixing the light and Jen's over there, and he'd be like:" "And look at me, and he'd be like, "Right on."" "So I was like, "Right on."" "So when we..." "We did the photo shoot and I was getting incredibly turned on by the whole thing so at one point, I was like:" ""How are you doing?" "How are you feeling?"" "She's like, "It's kind of..." "How does it look?"" "I said, "It looks really great." "You look hot." "Damn hot." "You wanna go in the bathroom?"" "And she was like, "What?"" "I was like, "We got, you know, 25 minutes between shots let's do some shooting of our own."" "She was like, "You're serious?" "You wanna go in the bathroom and fuck so that you're fucking leaking out of me on film?" "For all posterity." "So when our kid sees this picture fucking 20 years from now there's you, running down my leg." "Is that what you want?"" "It's like, "Well, not anymore."" "So we got through the photo shoot and shit and then eventually, you know, picked the shots and they ran the shots and shit and I had an issue of Playboy with my wife in it which was really, really fucking quite cool, you know to be flipping through it, like:" ""Oh, my God, there's my wife, naked, being held by Superman."" "You know, rather sexy, I thought." "And came in incredibly useful, because my wife is..." "Jen's not a morning person." "I am." "Like every guy, I wake up fucking rock hard with the best boner of the day." "Like the one that could cut glass." "The one that could break rocks." "The impressive one." "The one where you just wanna call people up like:" ""Come over and look at." "Hold on, ready."" "The fucking..." "The boner to end all boners." "And every other boner you get throughout the rest of the day any time you get fucking hard, it's just not the same thing." "It's just not as fucking impressive, you know." "Just, it's fine, it gets the job done, but it's just not the fucking..." "It's not the bomb like the morning rod is." "Or you call it "piss boner."" "Because it's the one where you got to piss real bad but you get shit done before you take a piss because it's that impressive." "It's the shit where you can just chip it into marble walls." "So like every man, I'm kind of a mor..." "You know, early-morning riser and shit and, you know, I learned very quickly that Jen is not." "She's more of an afternoon delight kind of person." "So in the morning, I'll wake up and, you know, nudge forward, and she's like:" "I'm like, "Right on."" "And so, you know, I usually have to wait till about fucking 2:00 before she gets her motor running and shit then she approaches me while I'm knee-deep on my website and whatnot." "Our timing tends to be off sometimes." "So suddenly I had this magazine with my wife naked in it which is cool because I found that after I got married, like, I dig my wife." "I'm really into her and just kind of..." "I love her, I think she's amazing." "I think she's this weird enigma that I've got to figure out." "I've got 50 years to kind of figure her out." "So far, not doing well at all." "Fucking puzzle." "But I kind of dig her, and I find her very sexually captivating." "So much so that I got married and I stopped thinking about other chicks." "Other chicks just kind of stopped existing and shit and I just kind of became really focused and fixated on her." "Almost, really, obsessed with her." "Her body." "And when I think about sex, I think about her." "So much so that, like, I'll go to an internet site and try to check out some porn and shit, and I'm like:" ""You call this sexy?" "Well, it's a little sexy, but, you know, but not for me."" "And so I'm just really not into it." "So every time I wind up, like, jerking off I'd wind up thinking about her." "And suddenly I had a picture." "So I'd wake up in the morning, grab my Playboy go to the bathroom, snap one off, start my day." "It was a great way..." "And I'd stopped bothering her in the morning and shit." "I had this beautiful fucking boner to deal with and had the image to go along with it and suddenly, I was like, "This is great." "Why didn't I shoot my wife naked years ago?" "It would solve so many fucking problems." "I wouldn't be nudging her in the morning." "You know, and I wouldn't be sitting there going, 'What do I do with this?"'" "I figured out what to do with it." "So one morning I came back from the bathroom and she's waking up at the same time and she's like, "Good morning." I was like, "Good morning."" "And she's like, "What...?" "What are you holding?"" "I was like, "What, this?" "This is Playboy."" "She's like, "Is that my Playboy?"" "I was like, "Yeah, I was just reading the articles."" "And she was like, "Were you jerking off to my Playboy?"" "I said, "Jerking off?" "What...?" "Yes."" "And she's going, "Why?"" "And I was like, "I don't fucking..." "You know."" "She's like, "You idiot, you can fuck me." "Why are you jerking off to pictures of me?" "You could fuck me any time you want."" "I was like, "Yeah, but not till like 2:00."" "So it became this kind of useful tool." "Aside from being able to kind of shoot her and have something that..." "Because you really buy into the Playboy mythos when you get there because they're just like..." "You know, all the Playboy bunnies have loved these photo shoots because they have something to look back on years later to see how beautiful they looked at that time in their life." "Which is a weird way of saying when they get old, they're ready to put a shotgun in their mouth because they don't look like this anymore." "But she bought into it right away." "She was like, "This will be so great." "I'll be able to look at myself years from now, see what I look like." "I looked so pretty, and what a great time it was, and blah, blah, blah."" "So it was cool." "It was a very cool thing to do." "Very hot." "And I got something out of it:" "Spank material." "And I get to fuck the chick that I spank to." "I mean, that's rare." "Rare that you want..." "You know, I can't tell you." "When I was a kid, I used to jerk off to Playboy all the time." "Never met one of those chicks." "Never got to fuck Barbi Benton." "Now I can look at this chick, go in the next room and if it's, like, midafternoon, I could probably fuck her." "Jason..." "What did Jason think of the pictures?" "And also, is it the first time you've seen either Jen or one of Kevin's other girlfriends in the past naked?" "I haven't looked at it." "I haven't seen Jen's picture." "I really won't look at it." " I can't look at Jen like, I don't..." " Liar." "Ask Kevin." "He has it on his computer." "It's his wallpaper, and I make him cover it up before I come and look at shit on his computer." "Ask him." "And there's a painting of her in his hallway that's like..." "It's like 6-foot." "And that was covered for a while, but now I just..." "I go by it because it's hanging in his office, so I can't avoid it." "But I don't look at her." "I really don't want to see it." "And that's serious." "She's the one girl..." "Well..." "Maybe one of 10 girls in the world that I wouldn't want to see naked." "No, I wouldn't." "You know why he doesn't look at her?" "Gay." "It's true, though." "He is really..." "I remember I whipped open the issue I was like, "Dude, check it out." He's like, "What is it?"" "Like, fucking, he had looked into the sun." "It's funny." "He won't..." "And there's a big painting, and he won't look at that either." "So if I don't want him in the office, I put the painting in front of the door." "He's like..." "It's like kryptonite." "Why is that, though?" "Jen's like, "Why, what's the matter?" "He doesn't think I'm pretty."" "I was like, "No, he just sees you like mom and nobody wants to see mom naked, you know."" "Yes?" "You've got a mike." "How did you broach the subject with your wife that the first time you fucked, it would appear on a DVD?" " Yeah." " With your bleeding cock." "I didn't..." "Yeah, right." "I didn't broach the topic." "It just kind of..." "It was a story that kind of, you know, evolved while I was doing q and a and shit." "So the first time she heard it, she was none-too-thrilled." "If you ever saw An Evening With Kevin Smith, the first part as opposed..." "This being the second part, Evening Harder I told a very long, involved story about the first time I had sex with my wife, and how I cut my dick open." "But it's very romantic." "So the first time she heard it, she got, like, super fucking pissed." "And she was like, "Oh, my God." "Not only do you talk about intimate details of our sex life but you say sticking your dick in me is like putting your dick in battery acid." You know?" "I was like, "Because I was cut open." She was like, "It doesn't matter, Kevin." "No woman wants her vag referred to as battery..."" "It's like calling it "guts," you know?" "So she wasn't too keen on it and then I didn't bother to tell her that we have recorded it for the DVD." "So it wasn't until a few months after..." "Because, you know, she's seen..." "She had been to the fucking circus so many times." "She doesn't..." "She'll watch a little bit of the q and a, and then fuck off because she's like, "It's you fucking up there telling stories."" "But the kind of first time she saw it and saw that it was on there did she go, "Why?" "Why did you fucking put it on there?"" "Yeah, yeah." "And never lets me forget, to this day." "Still to this day, she's just like, "Why...?" She'll be like:" ""I have to tell you something, but it can't wind up on a DVD."" "Which is so weird because most people would go like:" ""I've gotta tell you something, you can't tell anybody."" "And hers is very specific." "She doesn't worry about the vagaries." "She's just like, "It cannot wind up on a DVD."" ""Do you understand me, Kevin?" And I'm like, "Yeah, I do." "Is it 2:00 yet?"" "She didn't take too kindly to it." "But she's kind of used to it by now." "That's why she'll come..." "She was here earlier, then she takes off because she's like, "I don't want to hear you tell stories anymore because sooner or later you're gonna talk about me."" "Like, I don't think she knows about the Playboy story." "Probably good." "And a kind of quick question:" "What did Jason think about you telling the story of his fuck tape with his...?" "He was..." "Well, I remember, like, at one point when he watched it he was just like, "I had a fuck tape?"" "You know, just didn't remember it." "There was a bunch of stuff he didn't remember." "When he came over for this trip, he was like:" ""I've never been here before." "This is awesome."" "We have been here before." "It was during the lost years." "But..." "So it's nice." "It's nice, you get to re-experience a lot of shit with him." "It's like he was a fucking droid and he had his memory wiped." "So you get to do a lot of shit twice." "And he's just like, "This is great." "I've never done this before"" "And inside, you're like, "Yeah, we have."" "It's kind of like Groundhog Day a little bit." "But he didn't seem to care." "He don't care." "And he hasn't even watched..." "He hasn't even asked to watch the tape." "Which is so weird because I imagine sooner or later he'd like be:" ""Let me see that tape." But no interest." " Thanks very much." " Thank you." " Hi." " Hello." " Hi." " Hello." "God, loud." "Jersey Girl is quite different in some ways from your previous films, and dedicated to your daughter and I was wondering if becoming a father has changed you creatively in terms of what you're interested in doing in your work?" "You know, it hasn't really changed me creatively." "I mean, I guess in a small way." "I wouldn't have done Jersey Girl if I didn't have a kid." "So for all the people who didn't like it, blame the child." "You know?" "Like, really, if I didn't even have a daughter I wouldn't have thought to write that movie." "And I started writing it when she was 6 months old or something like that." "So I guess that did have an effect." "But I always made this promise to myself that I would never change the content of my work or just not be me and not do what I do just because I had a kid." "We're not hypocritical in the house." "It's not like we don't swear." "We're not like, "Earmuffs." Nothing like that." "It's just we tend to be the same way we are around the kid that we are when we're not around the kid." "You know, not certain..." "Like, I don't fuck my wife while the kid looks." "Although, that happened once." "By accident." "Which was the weirdest thing." "Like we were going at it really hard and heavy and shit and she, of course, was on top." "And we're real chatty, fucking talkie lovers and shit." "Not even like, "Oh, you're so pretty," and shit." "Just dirty shit." "Shit like:" ""You're fucking..." "I'm having me some fanny fun, bitch." You know?" "Just real fucking dirty, fucking nasty, nasty fucking talk and shit where other people's names come into it and shit." "And like soon you're in this weird fantasy where, you know you're fucking a football team." "It's just like way the fuck out there." "Just nasty fucking dirty shit." " And, you know..." " Any names you'd repeat?" " Sorry?" " Any names you'd repeat?" "I've never brought Affleck up for some reason." "Never thought to work him in there and shit." "I should actually whip a little Affleck on her, see what she says." "So that's one thing you wouldn't cast him in, then?" "Yeah." "There is one thing." "I wouldn't cast him in my wife." "So there we are, fucking and talking nasty to each other and shit and then the moment of truth comes and shit." "And we... it was one of those rare times where we both kind of came together and it was kind of powerful and nasty and dirty and fucking..." "Just hard-core too." "And it was hot, so we were both fucking sweating, and just..." "We just didn't hear the door open." "So we're finished, and fucking, like, my head just kind of lolls to the left and there I see Harley sitting at the edge of our bed like this:" "You know, like a little scientist from another planet." "Just really kind of trying to figure out what went in where." "So we were like, "Hey, hey, hey." "What are you...?" "Hey."" "And Jen flips off me and shit and..." "And we were, "What are you...?" "What are you doing?"" "She was like, "What are you doing?"" "And we were like, "What?" "We were just..." " We were playing." "We're, you know..." "We were just playing." "Playing."" "She's like, "Playing what?"" "We were like, "We were play fighting." "We were just, like, play wrestling." "Having some play-fighting time."" "And she was like, "It didn't look like you were fighting."" "I was like, "What did it look like?" She was like, "You were swimming."" "And under her breath I hear Jen go, "I was swimming."" "I was like, "That's what we were doing." "We were doing..." "We were doing..." "We were night swimming."" "And she's like, "Is that why you're all wet?"" "I said, "Absolutely." "We were in the pool and then we were doing some night swimming and then we came up here and we were showing each other how we swim because it was too dark to see it out there."" "She was like, "But the lights aren't on in here." "It was like, "Yeah, but... the moon."" "And then she was like, "Can I go night swimming?"" "And I was like, "Not till your 30, I hope, you know."" "Then she was like, "Can I get in the bed?"" "And immediately, I'm like, "Get this kid away from the wet spot."" "I was like, "No, no, no, you can't." "You go hang out and shit." "Do other things." "Just Dad needs a few minutes."" "It took a lot out of me." "So she caught us but, you know, it never came back to the subject." "She bought "night swimming," which was tremendous, you know." "Because now any time, you know..." "We lock the door now, of course, when we fuck." "Because we didn't know she was so strolly." "She crept in like a fucking ninja." "Like, who knew she was there?" "She could have slit both our throats." "Instead she was just:" "So now we lock the door, and she'll, you know:" ""Mom."" "And we're like, "Night swimming."" ""Okay." Off she goes and shit." "It doesn't occur to her that the pool is upstairs." "So we..." "You know, aside from that we tend not to kind of live our lives differently." "You know, we curse in front of the kid and some people think that's kind of not right and shit." "But it would be so hypocritical of me not to curse in front of the child because that's how I make my fucking living." "Cursing will put her through college." "So we tend to, you know, not rein it in." "We're just ourselves and shit like that." "I find it has, you know, a kind of reverse effect on the kid." "It doesn't make the kid wanna curse." "It makes the kid not wanna curse." "Like, we were driving somewhere me and Jen were talking about something and I was like, "You know what, that's total bullshit."" "And out of the backseat where Harley is, we hear, "Bullshit."" "And we were like, "What the...?" "What?" "What did you say?"" "She's like, "Bullshit." And we're like, "That's awesome."" "Because there's nothing cuter than a little kid cursing." "So, you know, we were chuckling and shit, and she was like, "Bullshit."" "We're like, "Yes, say it again."" ""Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit."" "It was tremendous, and suddenly she started varying it up and shit." "And she was like, "Horse shit."" "I was like, "Yes, fucking horse shit." "Horse shit."" "And she was like, "Dog shit." "Mom shit." "Dad shit." "Nana shit." "Pop shit."" "We have two dogs, Scully and Mulder." ""Mulder shit." "Scully shit." "Bat shit." Which was my favorite." "And we were dying up front." "We were like, "This is awesome."" "She went through a litany of shits." "Anything you can modify shit with, she did." "You know, fucking pass a roadside sign, "Sign shit."" ""McDonald's shit." "Volkswagen shit."" "You know, "Shit, shit, shit."" "This went on for two hours and never lost its fucking edge." "I was just as amused when she said "bullshit" as I was when she later on got down to fucking wee-wee shit." "Which is pee-pee poop, you know." "It was just..." "But she didn't know that, that's the thing." "So I said to her, I was like, "Harley, do you know what shit is?"" "And she's like, "No."" "And I said, "Shit is poo-poo."" "And her face, fuck, she went:" "She realized she just spent the last two hours talking about shit." "And then she..." "She never said "shit" ever again." "So it's weird." "It had this reverse effect on her where she doesn't like to curse anymore because she spent two hours cursing." "So I don't know, we kind of let the kid progress her own..." "You know, because, especially with language it's like there's no such thing as bad words." "Bad intentions, but not fucking bad words and shit." "Bad words will put food on the table if you do it right." "So, no, the work has never been affected by the kid." "And our lives haven't been affected by the kid." "I mean, inasmuch as we have to make time to feed her and shit." "You know, and protect her from danger." "But other than that, everything kind of remained the same for me." " Has she seen any of your movies?" " She did." "She finally..." "We got around to showing her Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back one night." "And that was by accident." "We were watching something on the big TV upstairs and watching a DVD, and it ended and when the DVD player cuts off, like, TV kicks back in." "And it was Showtime, the cable channel was on and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back was on." "And it was the scene with Jen coming out of the van." "And she was like, "Oh, my God, it's Mom."" "I was like, "Yeah, oh, it is Mom." "That's right." "That's Mom." "I fuck that chick."" "But I was like, "That's Mom, you're right."" "And she was like, "What is...?" Because suddenly..." "She lives in this weird world where, like you know, sometimes Dad has short hair and sometimes he has long hair, and sometimes you know, he never says anything, and sometimes he's always talking." "And sometimes he's like, "Clean that shit up," you know?" "And sometimes him and Uncle Jay run into a wall." "So it's this weird world of, like, reality and not reality." "Like, I hang out with Jason in real life and I hang out with Jason in the movies." "And Jason, in the movies, we're always together and in real life, he lives in our house." "So, you know, for her, movie world and reality kind of blend and shit like that." "Like, I remember for a wrap gift for Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back Hilary, who was the script supervisor on the show, had, a long time prior before, when she was a kid she had been the voice of Sally in some of the Peanuts cartoons." "So as a wrap gift she had somebody draw the animated Jay and the animated Silent Bob and Sally together in one picture." "And Harley was about 2 and into Snoopy at that point and I showed her the picture and her head fucking exploded." "Because she was like, "Dad, Uncle Jay Charlie Brown's sister?" "They all know each other?"" "You know." "So it's not bad enough..." "She's gonna be on some therapist's couch years from now, going:" ""Silent Bob was my dad." You know?" "You know, it's weirdness like that." "When you're a kid, when you see Dad interacting with people who aren't real you start to wonder, I guess, if your old man's real, to some degree." "So here she's seeing Mom suddenly in the mix because we'd never really thought to show her the movie before." "And I turn to Jen, I was like, "We could probably show her the movie."" "I mean, we could just do it without the volume because if the volume was up she'd lose interest in the movie because there's so much cursing." "And that's just..." "To her, that's grownup shit." "So I was like, "Let's show her, her." Because she's in the movie." "She plays little baby Silent Bob." "So we go and pop in the DVD, and there's her you know, little baby her as Silent Bob." "And then suddenly little baby her dissolves into big fat me which I'm sure she'll be talking to a therapist about." "You know, 20 years from now, going:" ""He fucking showed it to me when I was a child." "That's what I would grow up to be?" "Like, how am I supposed to deal with that?" "And that's why I killed my parents in their sleep." "I could get away with it because I could creep like a ninja." "Caught them after a little night swimming."" "So we kept going, and I was like, "Hey, there's Uncle Jay and there's, you know..." "Here's some other stuff."" "And suddenly I realized that the movie plays to a child if you turn the sound down." "Because at a certain point we're hitchhiking and all of a sudden there's, you know, the Scooby-Doo van." "And she lit up like Christmas." "She was like, "Mystery Machine."" "And I was like, "Mys..." "What?" "Yeah, yes, you're right." "That is the Mystery Machine." "You recognize that?" She's like, "Mystery Machine."" "And I was like, "Hold on to your hat because check this out."" "And all of a sudden, the door opens, and Jay and Silent Bob Dad and Jay, Uncle Jay are hanging out with the fucking Scooby gang which she is very into at that point." "And she's just like, "Scooby and Fred and Velma!" "You know Scooby?"" "I was, "Oh, yeah, we hang out."" "And she was just..." "Her fucking head exploded." "She was just enraptured, and then reality sank back in for her and she was like, "That's not Shaggy."" "I was like, "What do you mean, that's not...?" "Of course, that's fucking Shaggy." "That's as Shaggy as it gets."" "And she was just like, "Shaggy's shirt is green." "His shirt is blue."" "And I was like:" ""You're just like all those fuckers on the Internet, you know that?"" "So, yeah, she's seen some shit." "We've showed her some shit." "But she gets real bored real easily, you know because she don't wanna see people sitting there talking to one another." "And that's what all my movies are." "Just people like, "Blah, blah, blah."" "You know, she..." "We..." "I felt like a filmmaker, though, showing her that movie for the first time." "Generally, I don't feel like a filmmaker or a director." "I feel like a writer who just happens to direct his own stuff because I can't really tell a visual story to save my life." "But watching that movie with a kid, I felt like a visual storyteller." "I felt like I communicated ideas with images." "Because there's a point where we're being chased by..." "By Judd Nelson's character, and they're shooting at us and then Jay dives through a pipe and then I throw Suzanne the Orangutan through the pipe and then I go to dive in the pipe and I don't make it through." "And the kid starts cracking up." "She's just laughing, and she's like, "You're too big."" "And at first I was like, "Fuck you, you're no spring chicken, you know."" "That's my gut instinct and shit." ""You've got my legs, kid," you know." "But then I was like, "Wait a second, she gets it." "Like, she's right."" "Like, I can't get through the pipe because I'm too big." "And she was like, "Just like Winnie the Pooh."" "Then, in the movie, Jay goes, "Just like Winnie the Pooh."" "And she was like..." "You know." "And then later on, when it came to the diamond-exchange sequence you know, the girls go..." "There's no dialogue in that scene." "The girls flip down the hallway." "One, two, trying to avoid the lasers and the "be quiet" and shit like that." "And then Ali, does her flips, gets to the end, and farts." "And the alarm goes off." "And the kid was just like, "She farted." "She frogged."" "That's what she says." "She doesn't say "fart," she goes, "She frogged."" "And I was like..." "That was a new one for me because I didn't know where "frog" came from." "Because a fart's a fart, but suddenly the kid's busting with a frog." "I was like, "What do you mean?" She's like, "She frogged, frogged!"" "I was like, "Oh, she blew ass out?" "Or gas ass?" "What?" "Farted?"" ""She frogged," you know." "Just like, "Come on, follow me, Father."" "And I was just like, "My gosh, she got it."" "She understood the alarm went off because this girl frogged and shit." "And I felt like, "My God, I'm a filmmaker."" "You could turn the sound down, and you get the movie, pretty much." "At least that one." "Clerks, I think, she'd have a hard time with." "But that one, she got." "So we showed her some." "We showed her some stuff." "But I'm curious to see how she reacts to this shit when she gets older." "If she has any interest in it herself." "She's got good ammunition for her teenage years." "Totally, right?" "She'll get away with murder because she's like:" ""What about the time you two fucking ran from that rubber poop monster?"" ""That wasn't real."" ""Oh, it's not?" "It's you and Uncle Jay." "You're always hanging out together anyway." "Where is the difference, Dad?"" " Thank you." " Thank you." " Thank you." " Thank you." "Yes." "Do you have a mike?" " You still on a mike?" " Kevin." " Hi." "Sorry." " Hey." "I heard that you did a rewrite on the classic that is Coyote Ugly." "I did." "And there was very little left in the actual film." "How did that gig come about and are there any other films with small contributions from you in them?" "Let me see." "I did a rewrite on Coyote Ugly." "I don't think I've done any rewrites since Coyote Ugly." "I think that was the last one I did." "But that one was, like, a page-one rewrite where I rewrote everything from scratch." "Changed characters' names." "Set scenes in different places and shit." "And they paid me." "It was a Bruckheimer movie." "They paid me a shitload of money to do it." "And Jerry Bruckheimer was a big fan of Chasing Amy." "That's how Ben wound up getting cast in Armageddon and Jason Lee got cast in Enemy of the State and shit like that." "And then I wound up working on rewrites on Coyote Ugly." "So I turned in my draft and shit like that and they're like, "You wanna direct this?"" "And this was right when I was going off to direct Dogma, I think." "I think it was Dogma." "And I was like, "You know what, I wanna do my own thing."" "But I said, "But I love this because it's all about Jersey and shit like that but I'm gonna go off and do my own thing."" "So then they brought another guy on to direct it who brought in his writer and completely changed everything that I had written, dialogue-wise." "Which was weird because, like, of anything of my scripts you're gonna keep keep the dialogue." "Everything else is bullshit." "But the dialogue, they got rid of everything with the exception of one line." "Like they kept settings, odd things." "Like, they would keep things set in the place that I had them set." "Or they would keep character names." "But everything else fucking changed." "And the one line of mine they kept was the one girl talking about..." "Like, one girl asked the other girl, like, "Have you ever done..."" "This ain't the exact..." "This part's not the exact line but, "Have you...?"" "She was asking if she'd ever done any lesbian stuff." "And the other chick was like:" ""No, no, no." "I've only played in the minors, I never went pro."" "Like, lame line." "And that's the one they fucking kept." "So I went to the movie to watch it, and there's a subplot involving a dude who loves comic books and wants a Punisher..." "The first appearance of the Punisher." "And at one point Jen leans over to me, she's going:" ""You did all the comic-book stuff, didn't you?"" "I was like, "I had nothing to do with the comic-book stuff." "I didn't write this shit." "I wrote that one line about:" "'Played in the minors, never went pro."'" "And she was like, "I wouldn't really cop to saying that if I were you."" "I was like, "I'm just telling you."" "So that was it." "That was my last rewrite gig and I was just like what's the point?" "You spend all that time..." "It was like working on Superman." "You spend all that time, somebody else comes and changes everything." "So, no, that's it." "But that's my contribution to Coyote Ugly." "Very small." "Although they paid me an insane amount of money to essentially write that one line." "I was like, "Why don't we skip the middleman?" "I would've wrote that line and, you know, you cut me a check."" " Thanks." " Thank you." " Sure." " Hi, Kevin." "My name's David." " How are you, David?" " I'm very good." "I'm very good." "I just wondered what's the official stance with the Star Wars drama that you're so-called involved in?" "Yeah, I've read on the Internet that I'm supposed to be involved in a Star Wars TV show." "Okay." "Nice answer." "How about Episode III?" "Have you seen it and were you tempted to get your agent to get you a cameo?" "That was one of the requests I just made recently." "I didn't make it through my agent, though." "One of our associate producers on the last few flicks this great, great gentleman by the name of Phil Benson..." "We met him on Dogma, he worked at Skywalker, he was a sound guy." "And he wanted to..." "A really high-up sound guy." "Essentially, he was the guy that when The Lord of the Rings won for sound mixing, sound design shit like that, he would've been the guy." "But he opted not to do Lord of the Rings so he can do Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back instead." "No accounting for taste." "But, you know, I always say to him:" ""Do you ever regret not doing it?"" "He's like, "No, because I wanted to do something other than sound and that's why I went to do Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back." "No offense, but it's not like a cure for cancer."" "I was like, "What?"" "But he was like, "But I wanted to try other things beyond sound."" "So we made him an associate producer and he did other things on the movie that he never had the opportunity to try as a sound guy and stuff." "So Phil worked at the ranch, at Skywalker, for years and years." "From when he was a kid up to..." "And he's not that old." "Dude's like my age, but he'd worked there for like eight, 10 years." "And I knew Rick McCallum because I had met him at the ranch the producer of the new Star Wars movies." "But Phil really knows him." "So I dropped him a line, I was like:" ""Dude, I wanna go to an early screening of this movie." "Can you talk to Rick?" And he wrote Rick an e-mail." "Then Phil wrote me back, he was like, "He says he'll show it to you."" " I was like, "When?"" " He's like, "April 15, they lock picture." "Come on up and he'll show you the flick."" "I was like:" "Because that's the fucking movie I'm looking forward to, you know." "Like, I think that movie's gonna..." "I like the first two." "You know, Phantom Menace, not a huge fan, but I liked it." "You know, could have done with a lot less Jar Jar." "Second one I really fucking loved." "I think the third one is just gonna be fantastic." "I think it's just gonna fucking, you know, take everybody who's naysaid the last two and make them..." "Spin them completely." "With your power in Hollywood, would you try to maybe be the character to maybe kill Jar Jar?" "Go down in folklore or something?" "No, no." "I mean, why cast more attention on that fucking guy?" "You know, even a death scene is too good for him." "Just basically let it happen off camera." "Have somebody go:" ""What happened to Senator Jar Jar?"" ""We killed him."" "Now on with the real movie and shit." "That's the one I'm looking forward to because that will always be the trilogy to me, right?" "Well, not this new one." "That's the second trilogy." "But the first one, that's the fucking trilogy." "That's why it was so disheartening to live through The Lord of the Rings over the last few years because suddenly that became the trilogy to people." "People are like, "Have you seen the trilogy?"" "I was like, "Saw it when I was a kid." They're like, "No, the Rings."" "I was like, "Motherfucker, there is one trilogy." "There's not fucking more than one."" "Because Star Wars, you know, that's an adventure story." "Those Lord of the Rings movies, as good as they looked and as wonderful a director as Peter Jackson is..." "Because I'm a huge fan of Heavenly Creatures." " They're fucking movies about walking." "You know I'm right." "Because people go, "He's right." "That's it."" "It's just three fucking movies about motherfuckers walking." "They're all walking to a fucking mountain to pitch a ring in it." "You know, that's it." "To a volcano." "That's all they do is walk." "The first movie is fucking this:" "That's it." "That's the whole fucking first movie." "The second movie is this:" "And the fucking third movie is:" "So I couldn't understand what all the excitement was about." "Three movies about fucking walking." "And then that third movie had 46 endings to it." "Like, that movie just kept ending and ending and ending." "Like, there's a point, you pitched the ring in the lava, shit's done." "Send me the fuck home." "You know, it's finished." "The walk is over." "You know, unless you're gonna do a trilogy about the walk back." "But it kept going." "First they pitched the ring in and then fucking Gollum shows up, and then they fucking fight and then a bird picks him up and then they take him back to the hobbit land and shit or the Shire." "And then all of a sudden somebody's like:" ""We gotta go." "We're catching a boat."" "Like, what?" "What?" "What does that have to do with anything?" ""You guys stick behind." "You take care of the book."" "And the end of the movie is a dude literally writing in a book which is like the least cinematic thing you could possibly do." "And I know because I make the least cinematic movies imaginable." "Like, this movie that was all about grandeur and fucking amazing creatures and shit, ends with a dude going:" ""And then they all got on a boat which is something we just showed you and went someplace where, apparently Sam can't go." "But that left me to be the pimp of the Shire."" "The movie ends with him writing a book." "The dude's gone off on a boat to Never-Never Land and shit." "Like, it's so weak." "The ending of that movie, I thought, was rather clear." "I thought it was the moment when Frodo wakes up from his coma or whatever he was in and shit, and the hobbits, the little gay hobbits are jumping up and down on the bed." "Merry and Pippin, whatever." "Because they were clearly fucking gay." "They're fucking, you know..." "It's the first time in the movie people aren't walking because instead they're bouncing on the bed." "I mean, admit it, even the trees in that fucking movie walked." "So the little, gay hobbits are hopping up and down on the bed and then fucking, you know, everyone's happy that Frodo's alive." "And then Sam pimps into the room and just leans against the door jam." "And he's looking at his boy in the bed, and his boy makes eye contact and Frodo and Sam looking at each other and you just get this feeling." "Like, they're looking at each other, and they're just like:" ""We've been through some fucking shit." "Granted, we walked a lot but we've seen some shit, and we took the ring and fucking two hobbits saved Middle-earth." "You and I, we saw spiders, we saw giant fucking birds we saw a lot of shit." "You and I have been through the shit."" "Like two Vietnam vets who made it out of Danang and shit." "Like, "We did it, Frodo."" "And they share this fucking look." "That's the end of the movie to me." "That's a beautiful way to go out." "And if you really wanted to fucking, like, blow the mind of the Academy..." "Because that's a movie that won the Academy Award for Best Picture." "And it was a foregone conclusion that it was gonna make gazillion bucks." "Everyone was gonna see that movie because they went to see the first two." "I always thought Peter Jackson should have just completely fucking taken a left at that point, you know." "Because it's like every..." "That's the tail end of the movie." "Everybody's seen the fucking adventure story we've gotten all the box office, why not just go fucking nuts." "Like, just do something that nobody was expecting." "All the people know the books really well." "All the people are hard-core fans of the other movies." "Like, instead, fucking Frodo's looking at Sam Sam's looking at Frodo." "And then Sam tells Merry and Pippin to take a hike." "And then Sam goes over and just sucks the fucking cock off Frodo." "Like, just a hard-core..." "Just this amazing, fucking awe-inspiring luscious blowjob scene between these two hobbits." "Like, just to watch the audience go, "What the fuck happened?"" "Like, "Did you fucking...?" "The little guy is blowing the little guy." "Fucking Jackson's lost his mind."" "And just like a 10-minute version of it." "Like, from a real porno fucking scene." "Just fucking like working it and fucking..." "And no music, just stark." "So you're just hearing, like:" "People would just be like, "What the fuck?"" "Like, it would be amazing." "I would give that dude the Academy Award right then and there." "I'd be like, "That is the bravest move I've ever seen in a mainstream movie." "Congratulations, you insane, glorious bastard."" "And at the end of it all, fucking Sam just bricks in Frodo's mouth." "Credits." "This is why they don't let me direct other movies." "Okay, we've heard about Jen's Playboy shoot but I was wondering if you'd tell us..." " Sorry, am I too...?" " Who the fuck is talking?" "Is that you?" "You?" "I didn't even see your lips moving." "Are you a ventriloquist dummy?" "That was awesome." "Or the ventriloquist, rather." " Maybe." " Right on." "Try again, sorry." "I was just wondering if you'd tell us about a cartoon strip you did a very sweet story about you and Jen's first kiss." "I was just wondering if you'd tell us how that came about because I thought it was really nice." "It was kind of sweet." "Not a real entertaining story, but sweet nonetheless." "New York Times Magazine asked me to do a fashion issue for them." "They were doing this big fashion issue." "And they're like, "We hear you write comic books." "Do you wanna write a story that involves fashion?"" "I was like, "All right, are we allowed to use comic-book characters like, you know, Spider-Man and fucking Daredevil and Green Arrow?" They said, "No."" "I was like, "All right." "Can I write about the first time I met my wife or the first time we kind of fell in love?"" "She's like, "Okay."" "So I wrote that, and Joe Quesada drew it and we worked..." "Every outfit she wore in each panel was different but it was based on real clothing and shit like that." "So we got the original artwork hung up in our house all framed, and it's hung up and shit." "But it was the sweetest thing." "It was a tough thing to top because one day I was just like, "Surprise!"" "And there was this little nine-page comic strip about, you know, how we met and fell in love in the New York Times Magazine section." "And she was like, "Oh, my God." "It's not 2:00, but let's fuck."" "But tough to top that." "After that, you give her things, and she's like:" ""It's great." "It's no New York Times Magazine." You know, shit like that." " Cheers." " Cheers, sir." "I was just wondering, I've seen the Degrassi episode you did." " Yes." " And you're playing sort of yourself, but not yourself." " Yes." "Have you, since then, been offered any other roles which...?" "You personally." "I know Jason has answered this." "Which are slightly more dramatic and not so much Silent Bob." "No, nobody offers me acting work ever." "Ever." "No offers whatsoever since then?" "No." "Well, Degrassi just aired, but even then, no." "I mean, I tried to convince the people in CTV the broadcasters in Canada to do a spinoff of Degrassi where I keep playing myself." " Not much luck with it, then?" " They weren't into it." "No." "Okay." " Thank you." " Thank you." " Yes, sir, you." " Right." " Yes, sir, you." " Right." "I've just got a question about what do you think, sort of, of all of your movies...?" "You think there's a scene that sort of sums up how you sort of view the world?" "Sort of what is your...?" "Perhaps a scene that sort of says:" ""That's really what I wanna say in movies."" "And for Jay, what's your favorite scene of all the movies you've done?" "Do you think, "Oh, I really, really like that scene?"" "The scene that kind of sums up my entire body of work I think is when Silent Bob's swinging off a rope." "Puts his head in the changing room and catches a glimpse of a pair of titties." "That really sums me up best." "I don't know." "That scene wound up getting cut out when we're talking to the two hookers in Jay and Bob?" " Yeah, that was cut." " But was it on the DVD?" " It was on the DVD." " So you know the scene..." "You tell them what scene." "But that's a scene I enjoyed." "I really liked that scene even though it got cut out." "But I think it's on the extras on the DVD." "Even though I haven't seen the extras on the DVD, so I didn't know." "It's great that you're like, "Was that scene in the movie?"" "No, I knew it wasn't in the movie but I wasn't sure if it was on the extras on the DVD because I don't really watch the extras so much." "Sometimes a little bit." "Not into the commentary tracks and shit?" "Don't wanna know?" "Don't wanna see behind the curtain?" " Been behind the curtain?" " No, because it all goes away." "This is real to me, these movies." "Every once in a while, he wakes up in the middle of the night:" ""Poop monster." "He was chasing me, we gotta run."" "Does he know what scene?" "Before you cut him off." "Do you know what scene we're talking about, sir?" "Yeah, unlike you, he's familiar with the DVD." " I didn't say I'd seen it." " Maybe he didn't see it, though." " Thank you." " Thank you." "Thank you, sir." "Yeah, it's just a quick one about funding." " Now, are you at the stage in your...?" " About funding?" "Yeah, are you at the stage in your career now that you could just make...?" "Sir, we wanna go out on a good one not like, "I have a question about financing."" "Have you ever sat in the office with the suits, and they said, you know:" ""He's here again the guy who keeps promising to make the Titanic of comedy but keeps delivering The Avengers?"" "What?" "Wait, what?" "Kick his ass!" "Were you picking on me?" " Just a question." " The Titanic..." "What is the Ti...?" "You know, the Titanic." "Bring in the mega bucks." "Have you ever been sat down and said:" ""If your next film doesn't deliver, that's the end of the road."" "Oh, has anyone ever...?" "Okay, I get it now." "The Avengers of comedy." "I was like, "What?" "What?" "What?"" "And fuck you, by the way." "No, it doesn't work like that." "And here's a brief education in the movie business:" "Theatrical release of any movie doesn't really fucking matter." "Essentially, now, in the days of DVD and, you know, revenue streams that continue going along after the theatrical life of a film the theatrical is one big commercial for your DVD release." "Because theatrical box office the studio doesn't even take a 100 percent of it." "They only take, like, 45 percent because the exhibitors get the rest." "And sometimes they have to split up back end of a feature as well with, you know, some stars who were involved or whatever." "So theatrical life, it doesn't matter." "I mean, the more you make at the box office, great." "It just means that there's more interest on DVD." "But ultimately, the real money is in DVD." "So we've always done really, really well on video." "That's why I continue to work." "So there's never been this scenario." "Because I always read about critics of mine people who hate me, who are just like:" ""This is it." "After this one, he's done." "They'll never let him work again:" "Silent Bob's dead, long live me, Internet guy," you know." "And it's like you sit there chuckling because it's like, "Dude, you have no idea how this shit works."" "Like, I'll never not have a fucking job because I never really make expensive movies." "And as long as I can always make back the initial investment plus a little on top I'll always work." "Like, that's the secret." "The secret is to just not spend a lot of money." "Or really, essentially, the secret is to not lose anybody a lot of money and to make them a little bit of profit because then they'll keep you around." "If you can turn even a tiny profit for them, they'll keep you around because that's better than losing money." "So every movie we've done has eventually returned." "And some returned a lot." "Like Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, we did 30 million in theaters we did 37 million on DVD." "You know, and they were ecstatic." "They were like, "You guys made more on DVD than fucking theatrical." "Why don't you just make straight-to-DVD movies?"" "Which ain't a bad idea, you know." "There'd be a lot more money to be made and a lot less risk being taken." "So I've never had the, you know, somebody-sat-me-down conversation." "Harvey Weinstein going:" ""If this one doesn't work, you're out of the club and we're putting you in movie jail."" "It doesn't work like that." "That's why the Internet is hysterical." "Everyone's got a theory about how shit really works, and it's just like, "No."" "So I'll continue." "I mean, the movies..." "As long as they make this much money, I'll continue to make shit." "It's the day that I make, like, the $80 million movie that makes 2 bucks, you know, that's when you're like:" "But, you know, I'm smart enough to avoid that and shit like that." "So me, I like to keep my shit kind of inexpensive." "Even Jersey Girl, which was, like, a lot for us, 35 million was kind of average or below average for a studio film." "Like, most studio movies now cost about 40, 45 and ours was like 35." "And really the whole movie wouldn't have cost that if Affleck didn't get paid 10 million bucks to essentially fuck up our movie." "So without Affleck getting paid 10 million, Jennifer got 4 the movie would've cost around 20, 21 to make which is pretty much what Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back cost to make." "So I tend to keep my shit responsible and because of that, I'll keep fucking working." "I don't have to deliver the Titanic." "I keep giving them the Avengers, and they're like, "Bring it on." "Avengers 9."" "Someone else." "It was good but not great." "Yes?" "Hi." "By the way, congratulations on the English accent, it's spot on." " Was it good?" " Definitely." "Been watching a lot of Eddie Izzard." "My question was about Jen." "I remember her writing something about when she was going into labor you flew her across from L.A. To New Jersey." "And I was just wondering why it was important for you for Harley to be born in New Jersey?" "We were in Los Angeles, and she was..." "It was weird." "This is something you only find out when you're hanging out with pregnant chicks." "They don't let pregnant women on airplanes if they're very close to term." "If you're like nine months, they won't let you on an airplane." "Because they don't..." "Especially a cross-country job." "Because they don't wanna run the risk of you going into labor in the air and them having to land in a cornfield or some such shit." "So they tend to keep them off and Jennifer, her water broke when we were in Los Angeles and they wanted her to go the hospital, you know to get ready for the fucking baby, and I was like, "Not out here." "We're not having a kid born in fucking Los Angeles over my dead body."" "She was like, "How are we gonna get home?"" "I was like, "We'll figure out a way."" "Scott Mosier, my producer, called up Harvey Weinstein, was like:" ""Jen's water just broke and Kev really wants her to have the baby in New Jersey."" "And Harvey was like:" "Scott's like, "Well, can we use the jet?"" "And he was like, "All right."" "So they sent the jet..." "The jet for us, and we got on the jet and it was me and Jen and Mosier and the guy up front driving the jet." "You know, four-and-a-half-hour flight, during which Jen sat in one chair and me and Mosier sat across from her just like this:" "And every once in a while Mosier was like:" ""Should we get some hot towels?"" "Because in TV and movies they're always like, "Get some hot towels!"" "We figured if we had some hot towels we'd be good to go." "Just throw them under and let shit drop." "But we made it all the way Jersey." "She didn't wind up having the baby for another week and shit." "So it was kind of a false alarm, but we got a free jet ride out of it." "And we didn't even get to use it." "Like, we could have sent Mosier into the bathroom joined the mile-high club and shit but she was all preggers and whatnot." "Do you like L.A. Now?" "Do I like L.A. Now?" "I like my house, which happens to be in L.A." "If I could move my house to New Jersey, that'd be awesome." "And if we can change the weather patterns in New Jersey so it was constantly 77 degrees like it is in Los Angeles that would be awesome too." "But not gonna happen." " Thank you." " Thank you." "Super powers, what would you have, both of you?" "Super powers, sir." "Really?" " Yes, you." " Oh, you're asking..." "I don't..." "Oh, fuck, I don't know, dude." "Fly, I guess." "I guess I would wanna fly." "Such a commitment, there." ""Fly, just fucking fly." " Fly, fly."" " I never really thought about it." "But I'd want them all if I really could have super powers." "The ability to be Polish and American at the same time." " Maybe." " That'd be pretty..." "That wouldn't be super, though, I don't think." "That wouldn't be super." "Super-stretchy cock would..." "I would get that." "Because then I could have the big cock all the time." "And then you can suck it too." "That's it, sir, stretchy cock." "Thank you." "Thank you."