"Lap sponge." " Sam, can you see all right?" " Perfect." "Lieutenant, put this man under!" "Clamp!" "Clamp!" "Pull a little bit to your right, will ya?" "Where are the bolts for it?" "Hey, Sam, how about this?" "Give him a bicarbonate and tell him to stay off his feet." "Isn't that "You are welcome at our camp"?" "No." "It's "Your uncle has gas from eating cabbage."" "I think you're ready for the UN." "Captain Pak." "You are here as a medical observer, not to give us language lessons." "I know, Sam." " I'm sorry to hear that." " What?" "Your uncle with the gas is now pregnant." " Terrific." " Jabberjabberjabberjabber!" " What's Korean for quack?" " Quack?" "That's my father-in-law's name." "Frank, you're a father-in-law." "Saline for irrigation." "By a strange coincidence, the inhabitants of Korea communicate in Korean." " It wouldn't hurt us to speak their language." " I speak American." " And I can go any place in the world." " We can have you packed in 20 minutes." "We're living in Korea, Frank." "Not me, fella." "I'm part of the American military establishment." "I eat in an American mess." "I shop in an American PX." "All I want to do is save these people and go home." "And we thank you from the bottom of our bomb craters." " I don't need any of your lip." " Lip is Sam's cousin." " Oh, pish-posh!" " Pish-posh?" "That's my mother's family." "Yo!" "Come in!" "Morning, Radar." "Cheese and crackers!" "Now, just take it easy, Bossy." "Nobody's gonna hurt you, sweetie." "Radar!" "Sit." "Sit, lady." "Stay." "Radar!" " There's a Korean family out here." " Well, their dog's in here!" "Holy cow!" "Never mind his religion." "Just get him outta here." "Hey, mister." "Hey!" "Fella!" "You can't build your hooch here." "Hospital." "Hospital." "You're on government property." "Go home." "Go-ey homey." "Go-ey homey!" "Radar." "Tell him, will you?" "Go-ey homey!" "That's just dandy, Radar." "Folks, you've picked a very busy spot." "The war comes through here." "Not war in your war-fighting, sense, but rather in your aftermath sense, which is still war-war." "Not now, sonny." "People, we can't have this." "What the deuce is going on, Colonel?" "What are these people doing?" "Frank, will you, for heaven's sake..." "I'm up to my navel in locals." "Exactly why, I'm not sure." "The only thing I am sure of is I don't need you." "Why are they building a house?" "I don't know." "Maybe they were thrown out of their hotel." "How should I know?" " Radar, get..." " Captain Pak is on his way." "Look, you natives!" "Now hear this!" "You can't build a house on a US military reservation." "Now amscray!" "Scat!" "Great going." "Now you've aggravated them, ya dumb dodo!" "I had the situation under control before you got here." "Could I have my leg back, please?" "Colonel, these people are poachers!" "I'd say fire a few shots over their heads." "That'll chase 'em!" "What do you want to do?" "Start a military incident in the middle of a war?" "There are times when a show of strength is the only way." "Frank?" "Just ran into Teddy Roosevelt." "Says he won't charge up the hill without you." "What's the problem?" " Looks like we got visitors." " They just moved in." "Started setting up housekeeping." "You gotta talk to 'em, Sam." " Get the first month's rent in advance." " We got a real hoo-ha goin' here." "Excuse me." "Any of you folks Catholic?" " Father, do you mind?" " Hold it." " What's the poop, Sam?" " This is his farm and you are on his land." "That settles it." "Let's go home." "Are we going to stand around and let these foreigners take over the 4077th?" "Frank's right." "This is their land." "What right have they got to it?" "hell's bells, Major!" "The 4077th is a field hospital." "We can't handle it." "It's up to you civilian affairs boys." "That's what you're paid for." "Yeah, I know $640 a month isn't real money, but it does keep the old bulldog from barking." "Radar, will you do something with him before he gives me a pedicure?" "Yo, I'm right here, Major." "Five of 'em." "Mom, Dad, three youngsters and an ox that's bucking for elephant." "Yeah." "Yeah." "OK, boy." "Great shoe shine." "Here you go." "Candy?" "!" "Dollar for shine, Joe!" " Colonel, he wants a dollar." " Well, pay him." "Take it out of petty cash." "Sir, you took it all." "Just hold it." " Radar, get him some grub." " Yes, sir." "I don't know their names!" "They're just your garden-variety Korean refugee and they keep yelping that we're on their farm." "Listen, get up here and straighten this out, will ya?" "OK." "Goom-bye." "Gee!" "My name Choon Hi." "Hi." "You're not with those others, are you?" "You speak our verbiage." "I learned from the nuns." "Hi, little fella." "A little fella?" "You gonna grow up and be a big Korean soldier, just like Daddy?" "His name Su Yong." "Father is a soldier." "Not Korean soldier." "His father is GI Joe." "I'm afraid we don't have anybody by that name here, miss." "Su Yong father speak nice to me, like wind song." "Well, some of our guys can really shovel the old wind song." "His father notjust guy." "He doctor." "MASH 4077." "Well, that's our phone number." "And you say he could really talk up the old wind song?" "Pierce and or McIntyre." " Sir?" " Yo." "I got the children some chow but we'd better order more rubber boots cos we got ox problems." " Where?" " You name it." "That's one more thing on my hands." "Get Pierce and McIntyre over here on the double." " Henry?" " Yeah?" " Good news." " I'll take it." " I talked to the farmer and everything's cool." " Great." "You got three days to get the hell outta here." "Sam, what's Korean for suicide?" "That's the Japanese." "We don't do that shtick." "You wanna step in my office for another goodie?" "Sam, this is Miss Choon Hi." "The baby is Su Yong." "Stand by for the fingering of the father." " Him not doctor." " You betcha." "I don't make house calls." "Sheriff, looks like you got troubles here in Pregnant City." " Thanks a lot." " Gimme the key." " You called, master?" " This better be good." "It's pretty tough getting across the compound." "Captain Pierce, Captain McIntyre," "I believe one of you knows Miss Choon Hi a bit better than the other one of you knows Miss Choon Hi." "Miss Hi claims that she and one of our doctors committed parenthood." "Any volunteers?" "I got the forms for the boots, sir." "Him doctor." "Radar?" "Radar!" " What's that?" " Mazel tov." "She's applied for aid to the judge advocate general, naming Dr O'Reilly here as the father." "Radar, Radar, Radar." " Our little boy's grown up, Henry." " I have not!" "What do you have to say about exhibit A, which is now having a drink at the bar?" " It's not mine!" " The mother says it is." "What does she know?" "She's mixing me up with somebody else." "That's possible." "You all look alike to us." " Come on, Radar." "Level." " Could you be the father?" "Of course I could." "But I'm not." "I mean, I do." "But I didn't." " Do you admit that you know her?" " Sure." "She's from the village." " I've run into her a few times." " Well, once anyway." "No!" "Never!" "You'd better be telling the truth." "They're sending someone to question you." "I'm not worried." " Radar, why would she pick on you?" " Of all people." "Now, what is that crack?" "Just cos I don't fool around like you, doesn't mean I don't fool around like you." "I mean, I'm pretty well-known in that village." "I'm there every Saturday night." "Playing doctor." "Radar, Radar, Radar." " Colonel." " Frank, this is no time to re-enlist." "You have no idea how it disgusts me to find myself here." "We share your disgust, Frank." "That farmer is making a shambles out of the compound." "How can you make a shambles out of a shambles?" "These people are your people." "They ought to kiss their lucky stars above that we are here, spilling our blood to keep them safe from democracy!" "And doing a hell of ajob." "Frank, will you keep your pants on?" "I've got a call in the civilian affairs." "Meanwhile you're just going to sit there and watch a girl nurse a baby." "Is that girl nursing a baby?" "No, that's a child doing maternal chin-ups." " What the blue blazes is going on here?" " She claims Radar's the father." "You dirty little non-com!" " Frank, you've got a baby." " Three." "I'm married." "And I'm an officer." "Perhaps you can help me, officer." "I've been robbed." "Sir, that baby is not mine, sir." "Hogwash." "That's what they all say." "Check the baby's blood and the mother's against his type, and you'll know PDQ." " Very good, Frank!" " Brilliant!" "It's outrageous - cooking, sewing, farming." " It's called staying alive." " They can't do that." "Not on a US American military post." "Frank?" "Why don't you call the civilian affairs officer?" " Me, sir?" " Yeah." "I talked with him." "He makes no sense and you're very good at that." "Yes, sir." "Thank you, sir." " Go get 'em, Frank." "Kill." " Right!" " This isn't gonna hurt him, is it?" " Of course not." "I'll have you know, I've drawn more blood in my time than Dracula on a blind date." " It's gonna be all right." " OK, pal, here we go." " You ever think of paediatrics?" " You make a fortune." "There's gold in them thar diapers." "And..." " You said you weren't gonna hurt him!" " Radar, Radar." " You're acting like a nervous father." " It's just that he's so little." " Well, like father, like son." " Will you cut that out?" "We're gonna match the mother's blood type and the baby's against yours." " He's B." " Stop peeking at my blood." "If the baby's blood type doesn't match yours, you're off the hook." " And if it does?" " Then that means it's possible." "In which case, you marry the lady and take financial responsibility, or, if you want the easy way out, we can adopt you and hide you in the attic." " We'll get back to you." " You wanna save us the trouble?" "I'm not worried." " You understand the implications?" " I do." "Remember that phrase." "You're not mad?" "It's a little unexpected." " You like the baby?" " Oh, yeah." "I like all babies." "It sure is a great way to start a life." " Hi, Radar." " You son of a gun." " Taking the family out to lunch?" " You jokers." "How about that?" "Here." "This is for you." "It's sort of like food." "Would you like me to..." "Not so fast." "The ice cream won't melt into the coleslaw for a while yet." " Very spicy." " Better go easy on that." "Melt your beads." "It'll clear your sinus, too." " Colonel Blake?" " Yo." "First Lieutenant Harper, sir." "You're just in the nick of time." "I got a split-level packing crate goin' up, every boot's been shined to death and that ox is two years behind in its fertiliser orders." " Which one is pregnant, sir?" " He's here for the flip side, Henry." "Judge Advocate General." "Lieutenant Harper, this is Captain Pak, ROK." "And this is Lieutenant Mulcahy, G-O-D." "Let's get crackin'." "I certainly appreciate the swift and decisive manner in which you attacked this matter." "Just between us majors, Major, Colonel Blake is not your clutch-type colonel." "Whatever he puts his hand to goes kerflooey." "This whole camp is on the fritz." "Many thanks again." "You're my kinda fella!" "Maybe we can get together sometime." "I have a feeling that we're very much alike." "What?" "I beg your pardon!" "I'm a married man!" "I've got kids and everything!" "No, I won't call you again and don't you ever call me!" "Major?" " I got results even if you didn't, Colonel." " Fine, Frank." " Don't you wanna hear about my call?" " One disaster at a time, please." "Right now, we have to find out whether to buy a card for Radar this Father's Day." "If we were in the navy, I'd have you flogged." "If you don't mind, I'd like to interview the complainant first." "Radar." "You're dismissed until your presence is rerequired." " Where should I go?" " Try "out"." " Out?" " Out, Radar." "As in not in." "Oh, that "out"." "Now, this is the statement which bears your signature." "You first met Corporal Radar O'Reilly on 15 September." "All right, the party's over." "Repeat, the party is over." "Comprende?" "We're combing you out of Uncle Sam's beard." "Sergeant." "Don't let them kid you." "They understand every word." " If they don't, the ox can translate." " He's the only one listening." " Where are they gonna go, Frank?" " A truck is on its way from civilian affairs." "Until we move on, they'll be allowed to farm the next field." "Frank, the next field is a minefield." "They'll have to plough it with a tweezer." "Frank, your head needs work." "I appreciate the unfairness of this entire unfortunate unfairness." "No one hates this war better than I do." "Let's leave it up to the army to do the right thing." "They've been in this war business a long time." " They are not leaving." " Until we know where they're going." "Captains do not order majors!" "It's all my fault." "I failed him." " You're not his father, Henry." " I mean as commanding officer." "Sam, have you ever heard me give the camp a sex orientation lecture?" "No." "Oh, man!" "I really get the joint rocking." " A kid like Radar gets worked up awful easy." " Save me a couple of seats for the next one." " Colonel?" " Yo?" " I'm ready to talk to the corporal now." " You got it." "Stop the presses, Henry." " Everything all right?" " Just fine." " We typed the blood." " Corporal O'Reilly has blood-type B." "For proof, I refer you to his egg-encrusted dog tags." "The mother has blood-type 0 and the aforeborn baby has blood-type A." " Radar is no more the father than Trapper." " I have blood-type B." "Colonel?" "Who are these gentlemen, please?" "This is Captain Pierce, this is Captain McIntyre, this is Lieutenant Harper." " Are you men doctors?" " Only when the moon is full." "Will you attest to that blood report?" " Absolutely." " Positively." "We were once arrested for notarising in public." "That same sad story, fellas." "The real GI father left her, she's now ostracised by her family." "Radar gave her a lift one day and, instead of a thank-you note, she gave him the baby." "Sir!" "Sir, I thought it over and I was lying before when I said the baby wasn't mine." " It's hers, mine and ours." " Radar..." "No!" "You guys wouldn't know me when I was in town." "I remember that night cos I took a shower." "I wore my paratrooper scarf with nothing on underneath." "I had maybe two beers, and I was lookin' for trouble." "I wanted a tattoo but the guy had printed "Mother" so much he'd run out of ink." "I was taking the jeep back home and I saw her hitching a ride and I stopped." "And..." "I'd rather not say anything more in front of the baby." "Radar." "Oh, Judas priest!" "What now?" "You're one." "You're two." "You're three." "Gimme that!" " You're four..." " Frank, what's going on?" "They're being relocated in the South with some other lucky refugees." " Anything else I can do?" " You can go with them." " Just for six months." " Yeah, till they get settled." "Oh, go jump in the lake!" "Why, Radar?" "Do you remember when she first came, I said that I do but I didn't?" "Well, I didn't because I don't and I never." "But I liked the way it felt when everybody thought I did." "You will." "You think?" "Here you are, my children." "Something to read on the trip." "Any questions, there's branch offices all over." "She'll be OK, Radar." "She's got a family again." "All right, Dennis!" "Hold on!" "Bye-bye." "Bye-bye." "Bless you!" " Hi, Radar!" " You talking to me?" "Who are you going to go to the movies with tonight?" " Wear the paratrooper scarf." " Worked before."