"Gorgeous hotel, huh?" " Yeah, spent my honeymoon here actually" "Two of my honeymoons here" " We went to Pittsburgh, very much like this" "So uhh, how many times you been married anyway?" " 5" "6 depending on how you count" " Hey we're up" "Lemme ask you something, divorce is killing me Do you have any advice?" "They're all pretty tough." "Actually one wasn't so bad." "I signed the papers in front of the church" "Right before the next wedding." "I really wanted to sign the papers on the wedding night" "But I couldn't find a notary to go for it." " Sure, where would he stamp?" "Well, I'm never gettting married again I'll tell you that" " Sure you are" "No, no never!" "My wife left me for an Audio Video salesman, can you believe that?" "I'm a doctor!" " That sucks." "What do you do?" " Audio Video salesman" "And stores Chain of stores" "Well, I'm turning over a whole new leaf down here Completely different approach with women" "From now on I'm paying for it by the night" "I have two marriages would've worked out alot cheaper that way" "It's not the ex-wives killing me, it's my daughter She absolutely refuses to talk to me" "Been there" "Just keep trying, she'll come around" " If it's one thing I could change ..." "Here we are" "Well uhh, you ready?" " I'm terrified, but this is great" "Yeah right he died, parasailing in Mexico" "Okay is this a sequel to last year's motorcycle accident?" "How did he put you up to this anyway?" "I don't think I can handle Going back for this without you" "Are you sure you can take the days off?" "It's not even an issue" "Thank you" "I'm not going back for you" "I'm going to meet chicks" "All those ex-wives of his, all grief-stricken and vulnerable" " I love you" "What was he doing parasailing?" "Goddammit" "You know the last thing I ever said to him" "Was that "I never wanna see your stupid face again"" "Oh God, this is totally him Drops me an email says he's in an accident" "That he needs my help and No one answers his damn phone" "I'm sure he's fine baby If not somebody else would've called too" "Oh, I don't wanna see them either I don't want any of it" "Marry me, Barbara LeFay" "You realise you're proposing to me on the phone while I'm pumping gas, how am I supposed to say yes?" "Hey I tried at the beach, I tried at the church I even tried after sex" "When we got stuck in that elevator" "That was you?" " That's very funny" "I even tried at the scoreboard at the Giants game Everybody says "Yes" when you propose on the scoreboard" "But not you" " So why do you keep asking?" "Cause you never say "No"" " I always say "No"" "Yeah but you never mean it" "Listen, it can't be as bad as you remember" "You're older, they're older When's the last time you were back there?" "4 years okay?" "I haven't even met this wife Autumn" "Her name, is Autumn" " Why didn't you go back for the wedding?" "It was an impulse thing in Bora Bora Some Polynesian voodoo ceremony" "I don't wanna be here ..." "Alright, stop" "Close your eyes Close 'em" "Take a deep breath" "Pretend you're in an elevator" " You're so stupid" "Trust me everything's gonna be fine" " Promise?" "I promise" "Thank you" " Anytime" "I love you like a fat kid loves cake" " I love you too." "Bye" "Oh great." "Great!" "You'd better be Goddamn seriously injured" "You must be Barbie." "I'm Autumn." " It's nice to meet you" "My gosh, you're practically my age." "How old are you?" " I'm 28" "Me too!" "Get out" " Wow I love your scarf, can I borrow it?" "Yeah, yeah of course" "Listen Henry's upstairs, your grandma's in the kitchen if you wanna say "Hi" while I go grab him" "Barbie Rose Lefay!" "There's nothing wrong with you?" "I knew it, you son of a bitch" "Who do ya love?" "Hey matey, Henry Lefay here or should I say Long John Henry Lefay." "Maybe I will ..." "I still write all these myself" "Is that the pirate one?" " Yeah ma" "How many times do I have to watch that big steaming cow pie?" " Ma, you love this" "You said you were in an accident" "When?" "In your email, you said you were in a motorcycle accident You need my help" "I do need your help But that accident was just a fender bender" "Hey look at the size of this thing Same guys did the scoreboard at the Yankees stadium" "Big image quality Makes you feel like you're a part of the action" "Last night we were watching Bodyheat Felt like I was banging Kathleen Turner myself" "He did" "How come you never returned my calls?" "Ooh look at the time We gotta change" "I got a gig tonight I want you to go" "Gig?" "What do you mean a gig?" "That was good" "So, how did you guys meet?" "Oh, through my parents Henry used to date my mother" "Oh no no no, not recently When they were in junior high school" "Bet you thought it was something weird" " Weird!" "No, why?" "Okay I know it bothers some people that Henry's twice my age, but guess what" "I asked him out" "I've always been attracted to more mature men It's just my thing" "Well this old dog's not complaining" "Barbie doll this marriage is different, it really is I'm a man at peace y'know" "It's like I met you 25 years ago" "Of course 25 years ago she didn't even know how to wipe herself" " She does now" "Daddy" "Why do you need my help?" "It's the business" "Veronica's gotten totally impossible Y'know she's never forgiven me for leaving her" "And now she's squeezing me with her 50%" "We don't see eye-to-eye on anything" "But she's always liked you" "Plus you got the MBA I bought ya ..." "You didn't buy me an MBA" "You know what I'm talking about" "I just figured you could help us iron some things out And in the meantime while you're here" "You can get to know your new stepmom" "Nobody knows us there" "They will darlin', they will" "Henry, I lived in New York City They laugh at you" "With me They always laugh with me" "Barbie?" "You really want my advice?" " Yeah yes" "My advice is, one of you should sell out your share to the other and be done with it" "I've offered She won't buy" "She won't sell She's holding on out of sheer honorary spite" "C'mon Barbie's here, let's do this" " Fine" "Do what?" "Stockholders' meeting." "I'm here representing my 50%" " And I'm here representing mine" "Okay what's the first thing you do at stockholders' meeting?" " Approve the minutes of the last meeting" "There was no last meeting" "Then it's approved" "Alright, those in favor say "Aye"" " Aye aye" "Alright, old business?" " No old business" "New business?" "I move that both Henry Lefay And Veronica Caraminjo" "Each make a gift of 1% Of commerce stock in the company" "To one Barbara Lefay" "To me?" "Motion approved I need a second, I'll second it" "Those in favor say "Aye"" " Aye!" "Motion carries unanimous" "Wait ..." "Why are you giving me stock?" "He hasn't explained this to you?" "Classic" "You are as bad a partner" "As you are a husband" "Did you know he actually cheated During our wedding reception?" "Technically that was not cheating since I was married To her before I was married to you" "[Cursing in Spanish]" "Please please English I love it when you curse at me in English" "Why are you giving me stock Hello?" "Henry wants to do a Martin Luther King Day sale It's offensive" "No it's not offensive." "It's to get a jump on President's Day." "If you just think outside the box for once V Just for once" "Abe Lincoln, Martin Luther King Two of the same kind" "Great Americans shot down by racist assassins Both get their own holiday" "What about that doesn't scream 20% off?" "But New York first Please let's vote on it, my 49% says let's expand 49 opposed" "Uhm don't look at me, I don't care" "You gotta care That's why we gave you the 2%" "So what, I get deciding vote on everything And you guys give me no arguments" "Agreed" " That's the deal" "Okay fine forget the City It's an awful idea" "Thank you" "An inventory-driven business like this Starting up one store in a major market" "You couldn't possibly afford the media plan To justify that" "What did I tell you?" "But V, as for marketing and advertising, my 2% goes behind Dad" "No matter how stupid or offensive his ideas may be" "He's made you rich off making A fool out of himself" "So deal with it." "Martin Luther King Day?" "Knock yourself out" "I'm sure I'm not making either one of you happy But that is my 2% worth" "And if you don't like it, You can take your damn stock back" "And leave me alone" "I'm happy" " It's good" "Hey don't walk away so fast You're my only child" "I never get to see you Besides I know it's crappy" "How I tricked you into coming down here" "So I'd like to make it up to ya" "Blue skies Smiling at me" "Nothing but blue skies Do I see" "I've arranged a day of beauty for you" " A day of beauty?" "Don't get all big-city on me Barbie doll" "Remember where we came from" "Terri-Lee's House of Beauty 9 am tomorrow morning Service already been paid for" "Just you and Autumn" "Me and Autumn ... terrific Look Dad I really gotta go back" "Listen, I really need you to do this for me Autumn really respects you" "Here it comes" "I want you to tell her I want a divorce" "A divorce?" "I'm not telling her that" "Right ..." "Probably something I should tell her But you could tee it up for me" "You can tell her what a sleazebag I am" "You're my daughter It'll mean something come from you" "Daddy, if you don't respect the institution of marriage At least respect what it means to the people you marry?" "I respect the institution of marriage I respect the living crap out of it" "But this I knew was a mistake I knew it coming down the aisle" "It wasn't even an aisle It was a dirt path" "Polynesian witch doctor holding us upside-down And shaking us" "I don't even think this one was legal" "This is wife No. 5 Dad" "And you haven't even been married a year yet" "Look, she's way too young" "But she seems like" "A really sweet girl And she's obviously" "Crazy about you You can't take the easy way out this time" "Why don't you try marriage counselling Try whatever you have to" "But this time you have to get serious with yourself and at least try!" "You're right, you're absolutely right" "I should do whatever it takes To make this one work" "And I think you'll be happy in the end This is something that could change" "Everything In your life" "It's just one problem" " What is that?" "I'm already engaged to somebody else" "What?" "Yes I know I know I know ..." "But this gal She's like a wild cat in the sack" "This is the one that'll finally screw Your old man into the ground" "Daddy, I'm your daughter" "Dad, you cannot have a new fiancee You are married to Autumn" "That's why I need your help" "Who do ya love?" "I'm just gonna stop in at the store apparels Was gonna get mom a present" "You wanna come in?" "Uh nah, I'm just gonna wait for you out here" " Okay" "Oh good I found you" "You lying scumbag!" " Hey hey" "Why are we Throwing teddy bears at me?" "I'm giving you back Everything you ever gave me" "Selfish jackass" "What did I do?" " You were sleeping with your wife" "While we were still married" "I did ... my wife?" " Autumn" "You told me you didn't even meet her Until after we were divorced" "Which divorce?" "The first or the second one?" "Uhh you liar" "Our mutual colorist has told me The whole sordid tale" "I don't want any of this anymore Nothing from our vacations" "Nothing from your stupid commercials" "Ooh especially this" "What the hell?" "Wait wait wait ..." "I bought you this?" "Of course you did" "When we went to St. Lucia" "And we snuck off to the dormant volcano Just before midnight you gave it to me" "To wear under my dress" "I've never been to St. Lucia" "Okay show's over Yup" "Keep movin' people Thank you" "Stop staring" "Hey I got an idea" "Lunch?" "Didn't know she was in town?" " No" "Hey guys" "Well well Hey Barbie Lefay" "God we're all getting older Aren't we?" "Sarah Jane ..." "And you" "I remember you" " Hey Barbie, how are ya?" "So, what brings the big girl back to the small town?" "I'm just straightening out some family stuff" "With what?" "Our faith-healer?" "Ohh, I see all those years since high school Haven't affected your charm" "I uh, I hear you're living In California now" "So, uh Big business" "Uh, it's kinda It's a consulting firm" "What are you doing?" "Uhm I'm still over at Friendly Freddy's" "Yeah" " Okay" "I manage it now" "Well uh, Some things don't change much at all" "Some things do" "I have a dream ..." "That one day" "This Saturday as a matter of fact" "You can save up to 10% on big screen TV" "My dream is that This Martin Luther King Day" "You can exercise your Civil Rights" "By marching over to Henry Lefay's For big savings on audio equipment" "My dream" "Is that if you're looking For the best prices on portable DVD players" "Nobody has to ride At the back of the bus" "And this weekend only Delivery is finally free at last" "Thank God almighty It's free at last" "He was young and handsome And just plain more fun" "Than any man that I'd ever met" "So you went out with him I get that" "You had a good time But you had to have seen what he was like" "Why would you marry him?" "Do you remember that big stuffed pig That was in your bedroom" "When you were little?" "Yeah" "That big hideous thing" "Do you know where that came from?" "One time, when we were engaged Henry took me to the carnival" "And we played that game where we Squirt the water gun into the clown's mouth" "And you win a little stuffed animal" "And if you keep playing You get a bigger stuffed animal" "Well Henry played for hours" "And spent God knows how many dollars" "Until he won that grotesque Enormous stuffed pig" "So he decides It's gonna be" "A part of the family" "And we take it everywhere It goes on all of our dates" "It even got to my mother's house My mother's house" "Thanksgiving okay Makes her set him a plate" "Ties a napkin around its neck" "We get on the plane to go to Hawaii For our honeymoon" "And there in the window seat" "Next to us Is the pig" "Henry bought it a ticket And arranged the whole thing" "Wow" "I don't know what happened To that ugly old pig" "Oh baby I know it's hard" "But I really want you To go over to your father's house" "And make things better" "Find a way" "Get away from me Put down that knife" "Oh no Not this again!" "Help!" "Help!" "You are dead!" "Oh crap!" "Hey Barbie" " Hi" "You are really dead!" "I mean it Henry!" "This time I'm gonna cut it off!" "Where are you?" "!" "Hey Barbie, when did you get into town?" " Uhh a couple of days ago" "One of the neighbours called in." "What's going on?" "Well, Ophelia's chasing my Dad around With a carving knife" "Y'know when they got divorced I thought these calls would stop" "We all wake and dream Can't we?" "Hey look They're naked this time" "Okay so Henry and I were involved in Let me say this tastefully" "O-R-A-L And he answered his cell phone" "And then he tries to explain away by saying it was his fiancee" "It was" " You have a fiancee?" "!" "Okay, speaking of fiancees and wives Where's Autumn?" "She volunteers at the Food Bank One night a week" "How convenient" "Isn't it?" "Okay can I just get a minute alone With my father?" "I best get going anyway" "Can you give me a ride home, honey?" "But first be a dear And help me find my bra" "What are you doing screwing around with Ophelia When you are engaged to someone else" "When you're married to someone else" "She came over here She wanted to get it on" "What am I supposed to say?" " Uhh, no?" "Barbie doll You don't understand" "Around Ophelia I'm powerless" "Seriously, I know she's wacky as a waterbug She's probably gonna kill me in my sleep" "But when that woman gets around me I turn into jelly" "So why are you engaged to another woman?" "Why don't you just marry Ophelia For the third time" "And make it stick" "You saw her chase me around here naked With a butcher knife" "Y'know what we used to call that When we were married?" "What?" "Tuesday" "God help me That crazy ass blonde is the only one that matters" "That woman is hands down" "Without a question the one true love Of my life" "You're the one true love Of my life too honey" "Isn't he adorable?" "Oh Barbie, did your Dad tell you About our day of beauty?" "Oh, y'know what Autumn It sounds great but I gotta go home ..." "Barbie doll You don't have to leave yet" "How could you break This little girl's heart?" "Y'know your Dad's been so encouraging about me Redecorating his house making it my own" "I was thinking of the billiard room" "Off the kitchen area" "Making it into a little breakfast snuck" "Where we can snuggle up in the morning With our coffee and read the paper" "Listen Autumn, Just be careful about idolising my father" "You know his history with women, right?" "It's the age thing, isn't it?" "You can't seem to get past that, can you?" "No it's not that." "I mean there is that" "But I'm worried about you" "Making plans, and ..." " Barbie" "Forgive me for saying so, but ..." "I think I know him a little bit better" "Than you do at this point" "And with men of this type I mean sometimes" "You just have to catch them at the right age When they're finally ready to settle down" "In my heart Henry is a true romantic I know it sounds crazy but why do you think" "He's gotten married so many times" "He honestly believes there's such a thing As happily ever after" "Can I help you, miss?" "What do you think that kid could be thinking?" "Oh I know what he's thinking" "He's thinking "No one is ever Gonna have sex with me"" "You used to have that job" " Mm hmm" "And you used to be that girl Right over there watching" "Is that what you were thinking?" " Maybe" "Did you ever get married?" " No" "Boyfriend" " Yeah" "So uh what's the deal with you and Sarah Jane Wasn't expecting that" "How long have you guys been together?" " No no no, she was just pulling your chain" "We're not together" "Anyway, I don't see where you got called to say anything After the way you broke my heart" "What do you mean the way I broke your heart?" "You dumped me" "After I heard about you and Johnny Ferrigno On the band trip" "Johnny Ferrigno ..." "I barely remember that" "I made out with him, didn't I?" "That's what I was told" "I know why you did it too" "Is that a fact?" " It is" "When we got towards the end of senior year You thought I was gonna ask you to marry me" "Yeah I was no fool Barbie Anybody could take one look at you" "And see that you weren't gonna spend the rest of your life" "In a town this size with a kid named Stevie Peevee" "Who danced with a drunken elephant" "Is that right?" "I could tell you were the type that Wanted to settle down and get married early" "You always had that serious side" "Yeah I guess maybe I had that" "So, who is the lucky girl that Actually got you?" "Nobody ..." "Nobody even close" "I should go It's nice seeing you" "Why do I have to do this?" " C'mon, she's gonna be your new stepmom" "Think about Autumn" " What?" "With Autumn, I almost got married and divorced Before you even got a chance to meet her" "I don't want that to happen again" "I feel like I'm cheating I don't even know this one's name" "I'm assuming you do" "Her name?" "She did this thing last night" "That made me forget my name" "Here's the little princess right now Honey, meet your new stepmom" "Hi Barbie" "Wait, you were Sarah Jane's babysitter?" "How did I not know that?" "Were you aware of anything that happened To me when I was 13?" "And then I was 3 years behind Barbie in high school" "Honey I told you this whole thing On our first date" "Don't you remember?" "Yeah well on our first date My mind was already south of the border" "If you know what I mean" "Lovely" "Oh this doesn't bother you Does it Barbie?" "Your father and me?" "Bother me?" "Not at all" "Because if it did, well" "That would kinda suck for you" "Don't worry Mommy, I'll be fine" "You guys talking bout a pre-nup yet?" "I don't think this is really a good ..." "Y'know honey, that's okay" "Look, I understand that you're skeptical" "Your Dad walked out on you When you were a kid" "And we all knew that that left you With some major trust issues" "Which probably screwed up every relationship You've ever had" "Even to this day" " Daddy" "Outside" "Now!" "Blue skies smiling at me ..." " Aww" "Don't even think of trying to charm Your way out of this one" "Sarah Jane just likes to talk too much That's all" "She's a bitch on wheels okay Ever since high school" "She was a freshman I didn't invite her to some party" "I didn't even know what I did" "Just don't expect me to be nice to her" "Just give it time" "Everything has a way of working itself out" "No, things don't work themselves out" "What happens is You do what suits you at the moment" "And then you assume someone's gonna Come along and clean up your mess" "And someone always does Usually me" "Okay, come back inside I'll buy you one of those molten chocolate cakes" "A molten choc ..." "I'm sure you'll like Sarah Jane Once you get to know her better" "Don't call her Mommy" "It's really gonna tick her off" "I am so done with this" "C'mon Barbie doll Who do ya love?" "I got a new ticket to fly outta here tomorrow And I never wanna see your stupid face again!" "This is gonna be a circus You have no idea" "Alright, I'll buy us some cotton candy We'll be fine" "Guess he wasn't too hung up On the whole PC fan, huh?" "Sweetheart Ohh baby ..." "Hi I'm Kate" "Lloyd ..." "It's a pleasure to meet you" "Yeah, you too" "I'm sorry it's not under happier circumstances" "How long has it been since you talked To your father?" "About a year" "When he tricked me into coming in last fall" "My condolences I'm sure this is uh ..." "Sure this is rough on you two" "I did all my crying over losing Henry Lefay a long time ago" "I won't be selfish about Henry's memory" "He spent the earlier stages of his life With several other women and" "I wanna make sure that they're Treated like family" "At the viewings And sitting upfront with us at the funeral" "That'll mean alot to my Mom And the others" "Alot of women Would be more jealous of his past" "I'm very secure in the journey that Henry and I shared together" "There's no point in troubling myself For the experience before we even met" "What is the granola queen Going on about now?" "Uhmm, Autumn is talking about Henry" " Henry is dead, what is she saying?" "That they had a good marriage" "Just don't let her say any crystals" " Oh, okay" "Are you hungry Mae, or thirsty?" "What?" "Can I get you something to eat or drink?" "Don't shout at me Get me some water" "Where's Henry?" "He's gone, Grandma He passed away" "I'm gonna get you that water" "Okay?" "I'm gonna grab that" "That's good" "What can i do to help with the arrangements?" "Cause I know Dad never thought" "He was ever gonna die So I'm sure there's alot of things" "That needs to be figured out" "It's all under control Henry made all the arrangements in advance" "It's one of the many ways your father changed In the time since you've known him" "I think that Henry's" "Spiritual quest was brought on in part by a sense That a transition might be coming" "He wrote me the most beautiful letter" "Outlining all the details of the funeral that he wanted" "Pallbearers, music, everything" "He even picked out a plot at Shady Glen Under a great white oak" "All of us someday beside him" "And really, the only problem is in getting The American Consulate in Mexico" "To help us get his body released And shipped up here but" "Veronica's taking care of that" "He's still in Mexico?" "Wait" "I mean I'm surprised that you would come back without him" "Oh" "I wasn't in Mexico with him You didn't know that?" "The trip was something that" "Henry had to do on his own" "Sort of a" "Spiritual retreat" "But between you and me" "There is something going on down there Some element of his quest" "That he didn't want me To know about" "I think he may have found Some sort of shaman" "Or maybe even started Experimenting with peyote" "Peyote my ass He was in Mexico screwing someone else" "And the bimbo ran him and left his body to rot" "Any suspects?" "Wife No. 2 Wife No. 4" "Isn't that the same person?" "Welcome to the circus" "Hello ..." "Ophelia?" "It's Barbara" "Are you in here?" "Hello?" "Oh boy ..." "Barbie ..." "Oh my God You look just like him" "What's gonna happen to us, huh?" "Y'know I never stopped loving that man" "No matter who he was married to No matter who I must marry too" "It's okay ..." "And who is this ..." "Tall handsome prince" "That's my boyfriend Lloyd Lloyd, say hello to Ophelia ..." "Charmed" "Not half as much as I am" "Can I get you a glass of Cabernet, Lloyd?" "It's too bad you weren't in town last week" "You would've watched me star in A local production of 'Grease'" "I got to relive high school" " I'm sure that was really something to see" "Well, maybe when this is all done I'll give you a little private sample" "Barbie ..." "We should talk about the funeral arrangements" "Actually aside from getting his body back Into the country" "Autumn has it all under control" "Daddy worked everything out in advance Right down to the burial plots" "Burial plots?" "No ..." "Henry wanted to be cremated" "Cotton candy time ..." "He wrote me this beautiful letter Specifying exactly how he wanted" "His funeral down to the smallest detail" "He didn't trust Autumn to do it right I'm sure" "No, Henry wanted to be cremated And have his ashes spread over the ocean" "From a catamaran Off the Bahamas" "You have this in writing?" "We once made love there I'm one of those" "Anyway talk to the other wives Ask Veronica" "She's on everyday I'm sure she knew he wanted to be cremated" "Lloyd ..." " Yeah" "Have you ever experienced the pleasure Just inches away" "From a live barracuda?" "Uhmm ..." "Honey?" "Come inside" "Look, why don't you go downstairs And check out the new Ipods?" "Okay, but if there's gonna be a scion I wanna watch" "Please go, I'll be there in a few" "Veronica Hi ..." "I'm ..." "Grateful to have you in here" "In such a painful time" "Yeah ..." "Uh, you're taking this alot Harder than I expected" "Considering that you guys spent pretty much The last 10 years" "At each other's throats" "We remain business partners For so long because" "We were the best of friends" "Underneath" "V ..." "Can I ask you something?" "Did Daddy wanted to be cremated?" "No!" "Why would you think that?" "That's what Ophelia says" "Ophelia is a manipulative lunatic" "Henry wanted to be buried" "At Pleasant Meadows" "At Pleasant Meadows ..." " Yeah" "Autumn said that they have plots together At Shady Glen" "We have plots side by side At Pleasant Meadows" "Henry wanted us to be buried Next to one another" "Y'know Autumn is his wife" "Please, nobody takes that seriously" "Si?" "[Speaking in Spanish]" "American Consulate in Mexico" "[Continues speaking in Spanish]" "A hah ..." "So, so you're trying to locate the woman" "Who'd been staying at the hotel with him" "Excellent" "[Speaking in Spanish]" "Adios" "Hah!" "They didn't want to release the body If the woman he was staying with" "Was still in Mexico" "But because they can't figure out Who the hell she is" "They decide to turn him Over to us" "He'll be in the contract tonight" "And at the Ithaca airport In the morning" "Okay ... this is good news I guess" "Yeah" "Good news That they're sending him back" "Awful news" "That he was down there with somebody" "I don't know if I'm ready To see your Dad in a casket" "You don't have to It's closed" "Closed?" "Well everyone" "Had a different opinion So I suggested that we close it" "At least for now" "I think it's barbaric That people wanna look at the body anyway" "Yeah, but he's been in an accident They wanna know he's okay" "Miss Lefay?" "I'm John Goodenough" "From the funeral home If there's anything we can do" "Please see me directly" "Thank you" "I did not have the privilege of knowing Your father personally" "But from everything That I've been hearing" "It's clear he brought a lot of love To a lot of people" "You have no idea" "While I have you Would you happen to know if" "There's been a resolution Regarding the cemetery?" "I've been told it's Pleasant Meadows" "I've also been told it's Shady Glen" "I know you think Henry wanted To be buried" "At Shady Glen" " He did want" "To be buried at Shady Glen" "We picked out those plots Only last year" "But he gave out the payment On Pleasant Meadows" "Even after that I can show you The cancelled cheques" "Veronica?" "I appreciate that you are Henry's partner" "But please don't forget That I was his wife" "Please keep your voices down" "Has anyone here happen to speak To the American Consulate in Mexico?" "No" "Why?" "Barbie?" "Not now" "What?" "Really mom Later" "Please!" "Apparently" "Daddy wasn't alone in Mexico" "I knew it Was he with some sort of shaman?" "There was ..." "A woman" "Staying with him at the hotel" "And they couldn't find her And they don't know who she was" "Autumn" "Okay maybe we should" "Give you some time to yourself okay So mom?" "Grandma?" "Grandma?" "V, let's go" "It's all mine" "The will says Every last penny goes to me" "Henry's half of the business Everything" "I even have half interest in those Precious plots of yours" "At Pleasant Goddamn Meadows And the only thing" "Going into the ground come Friday Is worms" "Or your bones bitch If you try and cross me" "Hello hello Sorry I'm late" "Who's in charge here?" "John Goodenough Funeral Director" "Ophelia Parker The bereaved" "Well, the most deeply bereaved I'm sure" "Listen, I bet" "A good-looking Father like yourself Would know where to get a lady" "A Vodka Collins hmm?" " Excuse me?" "With lime Thank you darling" "And some McNuggets I get hungry when I drink" "Where is the ..." "Henry" "The body?" "Oh!" "In the viewing room" "Thank you ever so much" "Oh, and" "Two extra thingies of the Tangy honey mustard sauce" "Thank you gorgeous" "Were you all waiting for me?" "Henry ..." "Closed casket" "I didn't realize it was this bad" "I wanted a closed casket because" "I believe when someone dies" "He deserves his privacy And not to be gawked at" "So he wasn't disfigured?" "No" "Oh thank God" "Look at us here together" "It's like the reunion we never had" "Let's hold hands" "C'mon, for Henry!" "We have things we share in common With nobody else in the world" "We've all known the better ..." "We've all known the worst ..." "In all four of Henry Lefay's marriages" "Five!" "Oh yes" "Two of which were to me of course" "Which does give me a sort of seniority ..." "Screw you!" "Honey, I'm just trying to say That though we may all think" "We know how Henry Wanted to say goodbye to this earth" "He did write it all down for me In a deeply personal letter" "So I stopped And I made copies on the way" "That's why I was late" "I've got my own letter too Exactly exactly like this" "In mine he wanted a Catholic priest" "Did you say Catholic?" "In a pig's eye" "Timeout!" "I'm the current wife" "I'm making the decisions About the ceremony" "You know, A good compromise would be his childhood pastor" "If I wanted your opinion I would've asked for it" "Get it?" "May I say something About the casket?" "What about the casket?" "I think it should be open People want to see that he's alright" "Mom, will you stop saying that, It's screwed up" "No!" "I agree with Kate" "Open open open!" "I am the wife" "Me!" "I make all the decisions" "About everything" "Right" "But Henry did want to be cremated" "Well that's not happening" "Well it's what he wanted" "Nobody is getting cremated" "So just stick it up your ass!" "Oh no no no no no ..." "Hey!" "You're gonna tip it over!" "Stop!" "Oh Daddy Daddy Daddy What have you done now?" "It's not right" "You're not supposed to bury Your own children" "You raised a great man" "I raised a selfish prick" "But ... he was He was always good to me" "So ..." "That's something" " Yes" "Hello" "Is Henry Lefay in this box?" "Yes" "You mind if I just stand here with you For a bit?" "No no no not at all ..." "I'm ..." "Barbara Lefay" "Henry's daughter" "How nice to finally meet you" "I'm Effa" "Effa Devereaux?" "I was Henry's very first wife" "Well I'm sure some of you know about The time that" "Henry dropped out of college" "And went to Chicago To try to be a blues musician?" "Well the very week" "That boy got into town" "I ain't gonna lie" "He knocked me right off my feet" "But pretty soon I could see he didn't belong in Chicago" "With or without me So ..." "After 3 months" "We got an annulment" "And I sent him back home To New York" "Never saw Henry Lefay" "Or heard his voice again" "There are no paper towels In the ladies' room" "Grandma!" "She doesn't work here" "Uhm I'm sorry But I must ask you straight out" "What exactly do you want here?" "You must be Veronica" "Well I don't want anything at all" "In fact" "I'll bet you dollars-to-donuts" "I'm the only person in this room That doesn't have a will in her purse" "With her name on it" "Henry Lefay Never gave me nothing" "And I don't expect Nothing from him now" "Would you happen to be Kate?" "Yeah" "Y'know I would imagine this shock Is the biggest for you" "Woman thinks she's the man's first wife" "Is gotta be mighty unsettling" "To find out she isn't" "Y'know I truly regret Any pain this causes you" "Can I ask you something?" "Yeah" "If you've been out of touch With my father since Chicago" "How did you know so much About all of us?" "The internet, honey" "Yes, may've been about" "Let's see about 5 years ago" "Out of the blue don't you know" "Henry Lefay up and tracks me down" "And sends me an email" "Just wanted to know Whatever happened to me, y'know?" "What my life'd been like" "And you know one thing led to another" "And we've been emailing Each other ever since" "Everyday" "Every .. everyday?" "Everyday" "Get out" "Well I didn't hear from him A few days" "I just" "Just got this bad feeling" "And I thought" "I'd better give that boy a Google" "And sure enough" "Well y'all know the rest" "Apparently Henry's had All kinds of secrets" "There's no reason not to believe this one" "Oh not so fast" "How do we know this isn't Some kind of a scam?" "That you're not inserting yourself Into Henry's life" "Under false pretenses just so You can get something from us" "Later?" "Oh you mean like the time You pretended you were pregnant" "So Henry could leave Veronica" "And marry your bony ass A second time?" "Cause you are Ophelia Aren't you?" "You've come a long way today Effa" "I bet you you're hungry" "Y'know what girl" "I am feeling like a little pie With some ice cream" "You know where I can get some?" "There's a diner Across the green" "Where they make A mean Dutch apple" "For real?" "My treat" "Oh cool!" "Anything that you want for yourself" "You can ..." "Have" "Thanks" "Good morning" "You're here very early" "I asked everyone to come an hour Before the viewing" "So that we can figure out The minister issue" "Ahh" "Are the others here?" "No, you are the first" "Would you like to wait In the study?" "Actually, if you guys don't mind" "I'd like a few minutes Alone with Dad" "Sure" " Thank you" "Thank you" " Mm hmm" "No no no no no ..." "How long were you and Henry together?" "About 15 years ..." " Oh wow" "Yeah it was crazy 15 years too I'll tell you" "Where's what's his name?" "The funeral guy?" "What about Ophelia?" "Have you seen her?" "No?" "B-Baby?" "Whatever you do, Do not let Autumn into the viewing room" "Why not?" "Why not let Autumn into the viewing room?" "Wait a second, wait" "Don't, come here!" "Who did this?" "Autumn" "Hang on a second" "Hey!" "Wait" "Hey C'mon" "Really Autumn?" "Who said that you could cremate him?" "One of the ex-wives" "Ophelia?" "Yes!" "Ophelia, that's her" "I had no choice" "Once the forms were signed" "Ophelia has no legal standing Autumn is his wife" "Orphelia brought me the form Signed by Autumn" "She forged her signature?" "I had no way of knowing that" "No!" "Whoa whoa whoa ..." "Stupid!" "Don't watch" "Stay away from the hearse!" "No, it's a classic!" "Oh oh oh ..." "I never give my car to the valet" "Cool it!" "All of you" "I guess what I really do need to know is Do any of you" "Want me to press charges?" "That's real good Barbie Can you show me how to do that?" "Maybe after the funeral But here's what I'm thinking, Pinky" "We should charge her" "For attempted homicide" "And her for cremation fraud" "And him for aiding And abetting a forger" "Are those even laws?" "You wanna find out?" "No ..." "Not really ..." "So as far as the criminal justice system Is concerned" "I think we should all just pretend That this never happened" "Well ... yeah ..." "I mean ..." "I ..." "I ..." "It ..." "Okay" "Thank you Pinky" "Great to see you again" "Real sorry about your Dad" "Officer" "You better watch it ..." "Get in there now!" "Now you listen to me" "And you listen to me good" "I intend to send my father off With a modicum of dignity" "That is what I owe him And I am gonna give him that" "Come hell or high water" "So that means No more surprise cremations okay" "No more demolition derby with the hearses" "No more anything!" "Except quiet" "Dignified, respectable mourning" "Have I made myself clear?" "Yes" "Alright then" "And just so I make myself clear" "We're spreading Henry's ashes In Bora Bora" "The hell we are" "That's where he was happiest" "Guys, please" "This coffee table is awfully dusty" "You should use Pledge" "Somebody better talk to this woman" "Grandma!" "Henry never gave a damn About Bora Bora" "He wanted to be scattered Over the Pacific" "From a catamaran" "He should be buried At Pleasant Meadows" "You mean, Bury his ashes?" "Would you give us a minute?" "We'll be in the viewing room soon" "I know I'm intruding" "But I'm actually kind of glad To find you guys all here together" "I was the one Who was with Henry in Mexico" "Who are you?" "I was Henry's first wife" "Oh ..." "I was going to be his last wife" "Tell them Barbie" "It sucks I'm so sorry" "It's all just too much For one day" "I mean, I just lost my husband" "And then someone goes And burns him up" "And then" "I, finally, He was gonna leave me?" "And you ..." "You knew" "Put yourself in my shoes" "Yes I knew about her" "But my loyalty has to be" "With my Dad And I didn't know" "That Sarah Jane Was the one with him in Mexico" "You mean, there were others?" "Oh my God" "He really ..." "Really was" "Happy" "When we were in Bora Bora" "I'm sure of it" "I am too" "That's why we wanna" "Spread his ashes there" "I think That's where he should live forever" "I remember him happiest In Yosemite" "He took me hiking there When I was 10" "And he and my mother were still together" "Up in the sun at the Dome And ..." "He sat down on the ground" "And I sat in his lap And we looked out" "Into the mountains forever" "And I don't remember any other time He held me nearly that long" "He had such an enormous spirit" "What if he could rest forever In all of those different places?" "What if we divide up his ashes?" "And each of us" "Scatter a part of him In a place we remember him being happy?" "Because if anyone deserves that kind of goodbye" "It was Daddy, right?" "I'm sorry" "How did you know my mother?" "Okay" "So we have a new plan For Daddy's ashes" "Where's Ophelia?" "She's in the viewing room She wanted to be near him" "And we didn't mind" "Okay, let's go in there then" "Ophelia?" "Oh there she is!" "Come on!" "Ophelia!" "[Speaking in Spanish]" "Shoes!" "Shoes!" "Take off your shoes!" "Go!" " Okay!" "For what it's worth I think Henry's ashes should be spread in Cancun" "Do not Make me hurt you" "Gimme my Henry!" "Stop!" "Stop!" " No!" "What the hell do you think You're doing?" "Henry wanted to be spread Over the Pacific" "And I'm not" "Gonna let some little Jenny-come-lately" "Take him to Bora Bora Where he doesn't even speak the language!" "Give him to me!" "Y'know, some guys get turned on By this sort of thing" "But not me I'm just saying" "Some guys" "Go go go go go!" "So" "What do we do now?" "We could buy another urn" "Maybe something a little sturdier" "And leave it up there empty?" "Or we can put something else in it?" "Like what?" "M-n-M's?" "What's the point?" "There's nothing left of him" "Oh Henry" "I'm sorry I didn't spring for the ornate brass" "You'd still be here now" "He'd still be dead" "Shut your face" "You castrating Mexican twit" "I am Spanish!" "What in the sweet Lord of Jesus Are you people doing?" "You people are the worst Fucking bereaved" "I have ever seen in my life!" "Excuse me" "I've been conferring With Father Hoolahan" "And I believe We've found a way" "To blend the Catholic And Presbyterian ceremonies" "But ..." "The Polynesian Holy man just arrived And we were wondering" "How you'd like us To work him into the service" "Oh God" "Whose mercies cannot be numbered" "Except our prayers In behalf of your servant" "Henry Lefay" "Amen" "And now if you'll turn to page 297 In your hymnals" "I Can Hear My Savior Calling" "You son of a bitch" "But on that morning Sarah Jane can't get herself out of bed" "I'm thinking to myself When's the next time I'm gonna be in Cancun" "So with or without her I'm goin' parasailing" "So I hired this family firm" "That pulls you right up the beach Behind their boat" "They don't speak much English" "And with .." "Two couples Both on their honeymoon" "And this single guy" "Guy's name is Lipschutz" "He's getting over his divorce By working his way through every hooker in Cancun" "Heck of a guy" "My safety vest was a lil tight So Lipschutz switches with me" "I go up, have a great time It's really a lot of fun" "He goes up" "With the vest I just had on" "Just had this thing on" "Something snaps He falls like 150 feet into the water" "Smack!" "They pull him out, that guy's dead" "He's dead, I mean I freak out I lose it!" "That could've been me I'm thinking" "That just ..." "That just could've been me" "I took off, y'know?" "I left my ID there All I had was my little fannypack" "With a couple of hundred bucks" "Which in Mexico Buys a lot of tequila" "Next thing I know" "I wake up passed out In the backseat of the car" "In Tampico" "I tried to call you But the hotel said you'd already left" "Well, I figured You walked out on me" "So after 2 days I had to get back to work" "So I checked out And went home alone" "Wait ..." "How did we hear that Daddy died?" "The Mexicans They must've thought" "Lipschutz was me And that I was Lipschutz" "Well how did you get home From Mexico?" "Just dumb luck" "The border guard supervisor Grew up around here" "Remembers me from all those commercials" "Why wouldn't you give Someone a call?" "Well at this point I didn't realise that" "Anybody thought I was dead" "And who am I gonna call anyway?" "When I got home this morning I got to the house" "Caterers setting up a party Woohoo ..." "What's goin' on?" "They're all at your funeral He says" "Well I had to go see this" "So I put on my suit" "And here I am" "So this Lipschutz ..." "His family doesn't know?" "And we've cremated him" "And scattered his ashes All over a gas station" "Alright ..." "I got an idea I think you should come home with me" "I left your bags in the back" "Come on" "I wanna spend one great day With my grandmother" "Okay" "Okay" "I love you" "I love you too" "Listen I gotta say this" "Uhmmm ..." "Before this week I thought you were amazing" "You know that" "But after watching" "Everything you did In the midst of all this insanity" "Somehow holding together I have a whole new respect for you" "They say for better or for worse" "What is worse than this?" "And you were flawless" "Goddammit woman Marry me" "Are you out of your mind?" "Look at my family Look at every marriage I grew up around, I mean" "So what are you saying?" "You never wanna get married no matter what?" "I'm saying I never wanna marry wrong" "Lloyd, no ..." "That's not what I meant" "Lloyd!" "2 minutes?" "Don't even think about it" "This is ridiculous" "I didn't like the way I left you last time" "Mm hmm" "Y'know when I thought you were gone I uhmm ..." "This is like a second chance for us y'know" "I know we got off track When I was a teenager" "And I know we'll never be normal Father and daughter" "But uh, y'know" "Maybe" "Maybe we can be some kinda friends" "Right Okay" "To a new beginning!" "A new beginning" "Quite a funeral huh?" "What's with the medicine man?" "What was that all about?" "You mean the Polynesian holy man?" "Autumn said that he performed your wedding In Bora Bora" "That was the guy?" "But he had a red face" "Our wedding had a blue face" "Could've been a red face" "It was pretty shitface" "When I do go" "No holy man of any kind" "I'll just leave you some instructions On what to do with me" "You gave everyone instructions okay Dad?" "You got yourself buried at 2 different cemeteries And your ashes scattered off a catamaran" "I'll just date your instructions So everybody knows it's the latest version" "If Sarah Jane or anybody else Shows up with a later one" "You can fight them tooth and nails" "Just tell them it's all" "Daddy this is exactly What I'm asking you to stop doing to me" "Right right right right right ..." "Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah" "Got it, got it" "Have you talked to Autumn?" "How pissed is she?" "On a scale of 1 to 10 million" "Gals are a lot tougher to deal with In divorce than when they're angry" "That's how Veronica Ended up with half of the company" "That's why I was hoping you could Kinda talk to Autumn a little bit y'know" "Smooth things out" "And you might wanna get A hold of that Lipschutz family" "Let them know what happened" "Me?" "I can't call 'em" "They're likely to be kinda pissed off" "And don't mention that cremation thing" "I don't think Jewish people Even wanted the right body" "We have no ashes" "Nah, you'll think of something" "Goodbye" "What?" "Goodbye, I'm going back to California" "Barbie" "Barbara" " Listen to me" "You're never gonna change" "Dad, and if you don't change I'm gonna lose my mind" "Oh God I love you Dad" "I love you more than You could possibly realise" "But don't follow me" "And don't sing" "Oh hey sweetheart" "Look" "There's something I need To talk to you about" "It's pretty serious" "I wanted to wait till After the funeral" "What?" "I'm done" "I only come here to tell you that I am Out of here, for good" "What do you mean for good?" "I've had it, Mom Taking care of Daddy every minute" "Whether he's alive or not" "Fixing everything that he breaks" "Oh grow up!" "Huh, do you think you're the only person With a family?" "Roll with it" "You've got so self-centered" "What are you talking about?" "Making the whole funeral about yourself" "About me?" "Yes" "How you're gonna Give your father some dignity in death" "That he didn't have in life" "How narcissistic?" "I was the one making this about myself?" "What about those crazy women" "That almost spilled that poor Lipschulz guy" "Out of his coffin" "And then cremated him huh?" "They were just a bunch of sad women Trying to mourn the best way they could" "Why are you so damn accepting All the time?" "Even Ophelia After everything that happened back then" "Why can't you" "Just show some spine for once Instead of being the world's biggest doormat" "Spine?" "You want me to show you Some spine?" "My daughter would not speak To me that way" "This is your big permanent exit Out of New York" "Why don't you just go back To San Francisco right now?" "Is that some spine for ya Good enough spine?" "I think when you get to a certain age" "God starts to make you forget" "Because" "If you had to hold on To all those memories" "It would just be too much to bear" "Listen" "Why don't you tell me A memory you haven't told me" "A happy one" "Huh?" "Well, uh ..." "How about uh ..." "Hawaii" "You were on vacation?" "No no ..." "I lived there" "You lived in Hawaii When?" "During the war After Pearl Harbor." "I lived near the naval base" "Ohh ..." "We had such fun" "I worked for this club" "And the sailors" "Would come in all week" "They paid us And we split 60/40 with the house" "W-w-what ..." "What, the soldiers paid you for what?" "To dance?" "Good heavens no!" "It was wartime" "You get a sailor on leave" "They're not interested in dancing" "Ha ha ha ..." "W-W-Wait ..." "What are you saying?" "That you were a hooker?" "No!" "I was a party girl" "What's the difference?" "That, was much more patriotic" "Ohh, this was so sweet of you To find all this time for me" "Especially since your mother's in the hospital" "What?" "In the hospital What do you mean?" "She went to the St. Jo's this morning" "For that biopsy" "You know that" "Oh God" "Oh, how did you" " The doctor said it went well" "Mom I'm so sorry" "I'm sorry too" "You got a bad deal huh" "Spending all those years alone With just me" "My life hasn't been that bad" "You make decisions and Things work out how they work out" "You know when you go to a restaurant" "And your food comes" "And you realised That you've ordered badly" "That was me" "I ordered badly" "That's all" "We can better won't Make that mistake" "Mmm ..." "But now" "You'll make the other mistake" "What other mistake?" "Excuse me, visiting hours are over" "I'll be quick I'm just gonna say goodnight to my mother" "Hey" "I was just closing up" "Can I come in?" "Yeah" "Sure" "You wouldn't believe, it but in California I'm a very together person" "Believe it" "I used to know you pretty well" "Oh man" "What a week" "You have no idea" "My father's dead" "My father's not dead" "My mother's sick and" "My grandmother's a whore" "You know what?" "This is exactly how I felt With Johnny Ferrigno" "It was like" "I was trying to find My way out of something" "That's what she meant" "There's ordering badly" "And the other mistake" "Is not ordering at all" "Okay Umm" "Please don't hate me" "I tried that once" "Didn't work" "Lloyd" "Listen, there's umm" "Something I wanna talk to you about" "Lloyd Lloyd Let me call you back" "Blue skies" "Smiling at me ...." "Nothing but blue skies" "Do I see" "This pile of dust Is all that's left of me" "These are my ashes" "My remains" "No ... it's ground crap From the gas station" "Okay?" "Come on" "You're drunk" "Let's get you home" "You know, I thought that" "I kept moving" "I could cheat death" "That's what I thought" "But that's not how it works Is it?" "Someday I'm gonna be" "Just as dead as Lipschulz here" "And what did I leave?" "What did Lipschulz leave?" "Disappointed hookers in Cancun That's what he left" "But not me" "I got ..." "I got half a business" "And some really" "Memorable commercials" "And you ..." "A better daughter than this Selfish asshole deserves" "And I lost you, didn't I?" "Ohh Dad ..." "Y'know I-I" "I really would like to change" "I wanna change" "No you don't" "Nah ..." "Nah, no I don't" "But I did break up with Sarah Jane" "Really?" "Yeah" "She wanted to keep the ring" "So I said go ahead" "Cubic zirconium anyway" "So she threw it at me" "Want it?" "No, thank you" "Then it's too bad" "It's the real deal" "Costs me 28 grand" "Lemme see that" "Hey Barbie doll Barbie Barb ..." "Barbara" "Have I touched anything?" "I mean in your whole life Have I touched anything?" "Look at me" "What do you think?" "I think" "You're a walking miracle That's what I think" "I'd just like to think It did not all come from your Mom" "It didn't" "Thanks" "Thank you" "Are you nervous?" "Nah" "Not when you've walked down the aisle As many times as I have" "But you" "You're the most beautiful bride I've ever seen" "Ready?" "Yeah" "I never thought I'd see them dance together" "I'm so glad your Mom's okay" "Of all your father's other wives She was always my favorite" "Did your father tell you?" "We're getting married again" "To each other?" "Of course!" "Well, third time's a charm" "Hmmm Look at you" "You're a knockout, honey" "Thanks" "You think I could get away With wearing white?" "Hey there" "Been looking for you" "Day's been kinda intense" "I was just looking for some quiet" "You know what?" "I remember sneaking away From one of my weddings" "Guessing a bridesmaid was involved?" "Maybe" "It's our song" "May I?" "Yes you may" "You're gonna love being married" "There's nothing like it in the world" "Yeah"