"( knocking on door )" "Come in, come in." "Ah, Hogan, you wanted to see me?" "Yes, sir." "I have a few requests to make on behalf of my men." "All right." ""A few requests"?" "Mm-hmm. "Request permission to build a miniature golf course."" "Denied." "Just another means of digging tunnels." "All right." ""Request two extra slices of bread daily."" "Denied." "So much for the easy ones." ""Request permission to bring local girls into camp for weekend dances."" "( laughing )" "That's marvelous!" "Glad you agree, sir." "I do not agree." "Girls in a POW camp-- that would be fantastic." "It sure would." "Denied." "Glad I caught you in a good mood." "Major Kronman." "I wish to speak with Colonel Klink." "He's in his office, Herr Major." "Good." "Eh... is there someplace you can, uh, park my car?" "Out of sight of the road?" "I'll see to it." "Behind the barracks." "Excellent." "I am here on a special mission." "I know nothing!" "Nothing!" "What is your name?" "I know no... oh." "Sergeant Schultz, Herr Major." "Oh." "Herr Kommandant, a Major Kronman to see you." "Kronman, Kronman-- that sounds familiar." "Gestapo?" "No, sir." "He seems like a nice fellow." "Well, I have no time." "Tell him I'm busy, tell him to..." "Willy!" "Hans Kronman?" "Ja." "Hans Kronman." "( chuckling )" "Hansie!" "Willy!" "( both laughing )" "KLINK:" "Why didn't you give your full name?" "It's nice to see old pals get together." "Yeah, I'm all choked up." "Major Kronman and I are old friends." "We took our military training at Potsdam." "Oh, by the way, may I present" "Colonel Hogan, senior POW officer." "Colonel Klink and I were in the same class, but I am just a major." "( chuckling ):" "He pushed on ahead." "He's still a great pusher." "( uneasy chuckle ):" "Yes." "Well, the war has been very good to me." "Hansie, what brings you to this part of the country, huh?" "Well, uh, there is something rather important" "I wish to discuss with you." "Good." "I will speak with you in a minute." "Schultz?" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant?" "Escort Major Kronman to the V.I.P. hut, and see to it that he is given the quarters used by General Burkhalter." "Danke schon." "This way, Herr Major." "One moment, please." "This is getting to be like the Wilhelmstrasse." "Who are you?" "Captain Guenther." "Gestapo." "Major Hans Kronman?" "Yes?" "You're under arrest." "Arrest?" "What is this?" "This man is suspected of conspiracy to assassinate the Fuhrer." "KLINK:" "Assassinate the Fu...!" "KRONMAN:" "I assure you there is no truth to this." "Take him out." "Friend of yours, Colonel?" "Friend?" "( nervous chuckle )" "Major, Major, Major..." "what was his name?" "Kronman." "Hansie Kronman." "Silence." "I hardly know him, sir." "GUENTHER:" "Colonel, you are not to leave your command until you hear from the Gestapo." "Heil Hitler." "Heil!" "Colonel, about the weekend dances..." ""Hamilburg Hof number nine."" "That has got to be the key to a safety deposit box in a hotel." "Yeah, that'd be my guess as well, Colonel." "Why did he give it to you, Colonel?" "He was arrested." "Probably didn't want them to find it on him." "So, the box must have something valuable." "Colonel, if Kronman and Klink were friends, why didn't he slip him the key?" "Carter, in Germany today, the one thing a German cannot trust is another German." "I wonder what's in that box." "Oh, Colonel, here's the reply from London." "Thanks, Kinch." "Mmm, looks good." "Listen, listen." ""Major Kronman identity confirmed." "Believed member of a conspiracy to kill Hitler."" "He's all right, then, right?" "Kraut like that can't be all bad." ""Try making contact with Kronman and assist all possible ways."" "Sure, I'll call the Gestapo and ask if we can take him to lunch." "Yeah, that boat has sailed." "For the major, it did." "Got to write him off." "But I wonder about this anti- Hitler conspiracy they mention." "Be nice if you could take them to lunch." "Wonder what's in that box." "Aw, you can write that off, too." "No, I don't think so." "If we could only get into the hotel, rifle all the safety deposit boxes and make it look like a burglary." "( enthusiastic agreement )" "Gentlemen, gentlemen!" "I hate to be a killjoy." "Why?" "What's wrong?" "Hotel boxes are kept in a safe, most likely with a combination lock." "Depending on your ten magic fingers." "This fiddle is a bit above my head, Colonel." "Come on, you're being modest, Newkirk." "There is only one sure way to crack a big safe." "You've got to blast it." "Nitroglycerin-- that whole bit?" "Right." "And it's very, very touchy stuff." "A professional job's what we need, Colonel." "All right." "Kinch, you're familiar with the personnel records here at camp." "We got a safecracker here?" "Not a chance, Chief." "We got mechanics and pool hustlers and used car salesmen, but no safecrackers." "Hey." "Hey, Colonel, I know one man who could do this job for us." "Who?" "His name's, uh, Alfred Burke, alias Alfie the Artiste." "HOGAN:" "Alfie the Artist?" "He's good, huh?" "Well, he's been practicing for 40 years, with time off for bad behavior." "He must be, uh, an old geezer by now." "But he's brilliant." "He could crack the Bank of England like a tin of sardines." "But only his loyalty to the Crown keeps him from it." "I saw him work once." "A right old wizard." "His hands-- what a touch." "Oh, his mum and dad begged him to be a brain surgeon." "Let's get him." "How?" "Have the R.A.F. fly him over and drop him." "Look, we can't win the war alone." "Kinch, Newkirk, into the tunnel." "Tell London what we're doing." "Right, sir." "Say, uh, where do we find this guy Alfie the Artiste?" "( imitating Peter Lorre ):" "Just ask Scotland Yard." "They know where he is at all times." "Just got word from London, Colonel." "They found Alfie the Artist." "He was doing a little time in the Pentonville Prison." "That figures." "Well, none of us is perfect, sir." "He's agreed to do the job." "They're going to fly him over tomorrow night." "The drop will be at "Y" 14 in the woods." "Fine." "Newkirk." "Yes, sir?" "You go out and meet him, bring him in through the emergency tunnel." "All right." "Watch it." "Here comes our beloved commandant." "All right, I want to have a word with Old Blood and Guts." "Scatter." "Colonel?" "Yes, Colonel Hogan, what is it?" "Uh, I'd like to talk to you." "May we step into your office?" "More requests for favors and privileges?" "Colonel Hogan, your behavior in this camp does not warrant any special consideration." "Sir..." "All right, all right, let us ask the sergeant here." "Sergeant Schultz, does their behavior merit any special consideration?" "Well, I..." "You see?" "Even Sergeant Schultz agrees with me." "Now, Colonel Hogan, you can do me one great big favor by not wasting my time and your time." "( key jingling )" "What's that?" "Oh, just a key to a safety deposit box that your friend Major Kronman sneaked to me." "Colonel Hogan, your time is my time." "There's a song by that title." "I'll take that key, and if you refuse to give it to me," "I will call the guards and I will resort to force." "You have it." "Oh." "Of course, you'll turn it over to the Gestapo at once." "Of course." "That way, if there's any incriminating evidence found in the box, you won't be involved." "Exactly." "And the Gestapo will understand that I have no part in Major Kronman's activities." "Right." "Even though you have the key to his safety deposit box." "Right, even though I have the key to... take it away!" "Something the matter, Colonel?" "If I give them the key, they will assume that I'm trying to cover up and appear innocent." "You are, aren't you?" "I am a loyal officer of the Third Reich." "There can't be anything in that box to connect me with Kronman." "What did he mean when he said," ""There's something I want to discuss with you."" "Remember that?" "Now, that is the most innocent thing for a man to say." "Oh, sure, sure." "That's what everybody says just before they're arrested by the Gestapo." "What am I to do?" "I can't go and open the box myself." "No, you'd be arrested in two hours." "Bite your tongue!" "Is that an order?" "No, it's against the Geneva Prisoner of War Convention." "To think that this little piece of metal, this key, could lock or unlock a brilliant military man's future." "Forget Major Kronman;" "he's finished." "Not Kronman-- me." "Where can I turn for help with this terrible problem?" "I'm glad you asked me that question." "I may be able to help you." "Okay, now, I think I have a plan that might work." "It's going to require your absolute cooperation." "You may have to turn your back on some things you see." "Agreed?" "It's a trick to escape." "Oh, come on, you have my word as an officer and a gentleman." "No escape." "Now, can we count on your cooperation?" "Hogan, why are you helping me, your enemy?" "Colonel, you run the toughest POW camp in all of Germany." "There's never been an escape from Stalag 13, right?" "That's true." "If only he had a few more like me." "Now, if the Gestapo were to take you away, we'd get a new commandant who could never be as hard as the Iron Colonel." "Right again." "We might attempt an escape." "Somebody might get hurt, or worse." "If I can save you, I can save some of my men." "Then it is fortunate that I am as tough as I am." "You're the toughest." "Here we are, Alfie, safe and sound." "Ah, thank you very much." "Oh, lovely tunnel, I must say." "Pity it doesn't lead into a bank." "Now, would you make yourself at home, Alfie?" "And, uh, is there anything I can get you?" "Well, if it wouldn't be imposing," "I should like a nice cup of tea." "Uh..." "Two spoons." "Well, of course." "Oh, Alf, this is the guv'nor, Colonel Hogan." "How do you do, sir?" "Hi, welcome to Stalag 13." "Enjoy your flight?" "Oh, not too bad, though I shouldn't care to make a career of it." "Sorry we had to get you out of a nice warm jail into a cold P.O.W. camp." "Oh, not at all." "Times like these, we must all put our shoulders to the wheel." "Now, then... what sort of mischief did you have in mind for me?" "We have the key to a hotel safety deposit box." "We've got to get into the safe to get to the box." "Sounds dreadfully important." "Hotel safe, hmm?" ""Hofburg House, Hamilburg."" "Nearest big city..." "Dusseldorf." "Dusseldorf..." "Schleswig Offenbach Safe Company." "Make a cabinet-type safe, 3.4 gauge steel, combination lock, four interlocking tumblers..." "No, five interlocking tumblers." "No electrical alarm system." "Shoddy business." "Very shoddy." "Blimy." "Hats off, gentlemen." "We're in the presence of a genius." "Very kind of you, Colonel." "Now, uh... for my part of the caper," "I shall require about 12 minutes..." "Uh-huh." "and a... a nice cup of tea when it's done." "Yeah." "Any special equipment?" "Oh... a good surgeon is always ready to operate and remove things." "Somebody's coming!" "All right, quick, your hat!" "Was ist das?" "...No, please, don't, don't..." "Oh, hi, Schultz." "All present." "Is that so?" "One of the tower guards reported he saw the Englander outside the wire, huh?" "Who, me?" "He's barmy." "I've been here all night, haven't I, Colonel?" "That's right." "One of these days the guards are going to catch you with your monkey business, and I won't be there to help you." "I've been here every minute... singing songs, telling stories, haven't I?" "I warn you." "Who is that?" "Him?" "Just one of the boys." "Boys?" "What's your name, eh, sonny?" "Burke, Alfred, private first class." "I don't remember his name on the roll call." "Oh, sure you do, Schultz." "Think hard." "What do you think I am, nuts or something?" "Who is that grandpa?" "Just another one of the prisoners, captured like the rest of us." "Who captured him, Der Kaiser?" "On your feet!" "Attention!" "At ease." "Schultz, where have you been?" "You left your post." "Herr Kommandant, I came here to make an inspection, and I made a discovery." "You discovered something?" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "I came in here, and I counted the prisoners-- eins, zwei, drei, vier, funf." "All were present, and I was just about to leave-- guess what I found?" "There is one man..." "Stop, stop." "I am not interested in your discovery." "No, Herr Kommandant?" "For the first time since I've taken command here," "I want to know nothing... nothing!" "Schultz... the Iron Colonel needs a vacation." "All right, gentlemen, a floor plan to the hotel." "Klink got it for me." "Really?" "Man, he must be scared." "Scared?" "Just 'cause he wears his monocle in his ear?" "Let me have your attention now." "This is the hotel lobby." "This is the alcove, and there's the safe." "Is that-that the window?" "That's right." "Now, Kinch is going to be our outside man." "He'll see that Alf gets through the window and back out after the job, got it?" "HEROES:" "Sure." "All right." "Now, Klink has agreed to give a party tomorrow night for the local officers and townspeople." "That'll be the cover." "The timing is very important." "Excuse me, Alf, we're not disturbing you, I hope." "Oh, not at all, old boy, not at all." "Do carry on." "Well... now, any questions or comments?" "HEROES:" "No, everything's fine." "Have a screen or curtain across the alcove opening to cover us, make sure that the window is unlocked and check road conditions for the getaway." "Is that all?" "Not quite." "I'd dearly love a nice cup of tea." "Nice party, Colonel." "Uh, thank you, thank you, Herr Burgermeister." "Enjoy yourself." "You sure nothing can go wrong?" "It's in the bag... unless you get nervous and blow it." "Don't worry about me." "I-I'm quite in control." "Maybe we ought to get you a straw." "I am quite calm, thank you." "Waiter." "Mm-mm-mm-mm." "He does that every time I come by." "Nobody else can get a drink." "Keep moving." "It's almost time." "You nervous, Alf?" "Good heavens, no." "This affair is a lark." "As a matter of fact, old boy," "I could've telephoned you the instructions and stayed in England." "Ah, there goes the window." "That's our cue." "Let's go." "Righto." "After you, old boy." "After you." "Colonel, we're off and running." "Ten minutes more, and we'll be home." "Will there... be much noise when it happens?" "Maybe." "Just yell, "Air raid"." "Air raid!" "Not now." "Come on, Colonel, you've got to pull yourself together." "I'm trying, I'm trying." "And lay off the juice." "I may need you later in case anything goes wrong." "Wrong?" "What could go wrong?" "Sorry I mentioned it." "Our friendly neighborhood monster." "Did you invite him, too?" "Are you mad?" "What am I to do?" "That's what I was just about to ask you." "GUENTHER:" "Colonel." "KLINK:" "Good evening, Captain." "Very nice gathering." "Thank you." "Uh, just a little put-up job..." "I mean, an impromptu..." "an im-impromptu affair." "( laughing )" "What is this prisoner doing out of camp?" "Oh... a little reward in exchange for some vital information." "GUENTHER:" "Very unusual." "By the way, it may interest you to know that the officer we arrested was shot while trying to escape." "I'm glad he had a fair trial." "Obviously a traitor to the Third Reich." "Yes... and the case is by no means closed." "Now, gentlemen," "I'll just have a look around, if you don't mind?" "Oh, by all means, sir, please." "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "For our first selection this evening, we'd like to do a number by Irving Berlin, which is also the name of a city in your wonderful country." "* This is the Army, Mr. Jones *" "* No private rooms or telephones *" "* You had your breakfast in bed before *" "* But you won't have it there anymore *" "* This is the Army, Mr. Green" "* We like the barracks nice and clean *" "* You had a housemaid to clean your floor *" "* But she won't help you out anymore *" "* Do what the buglers command * ( imitates horn blowing )" "* They're in the Army *" "* And not in a band *" "* This is the Army, Mr. Brown" "* You and your baby went to town *" "* She had you worried, but this is war *" "* And she won't worry you anymore *" "* And she won't worry you anymore!" "*" "( applause )" "Our next number this evening..." "( explosion )" "( people screaming )" "( whispering ):" "Air raid." "Don't know what we'd do without you." "Colonel." ""Tinkers to Evers to Chance" is the play." "You're only Evers." "I'm Chance." "( knocking ) Come in." "Ah, Hogan, I've been waiting for you." "I'm sorry, sir." "I just heard from the Gestapo." "They are convinced of my innocence." "Congratulations." "Now you can start breathing again." "They believe the explosions were an attempt on my life." "Ah, we leaders-- we're always in danger." "All right, Hogan, that list from the box." "I'll take it now." "Oh, yes, yes, that." "This list, Colonel, is for sale." "How much?" "Two extra slices of bread per day, all Red Cross packages delivered on time," "Granted." "and an extra shower every week for everybody in camp." "Granted." "My name." "It's first!" ""General Burkhalter, Colonel Mueller, Admiral Metzger..."" "Kronman was obviously going to contact all of us." "Sure, to get you into the conspiracy." "So much for that." "Hogan?" "Mm-hmm?" "No one must ever know about this." "Yes, sir." "Uh... oh, by the way, could we have our first extra shower starting tomorrow?" "What extra shower?" "All requests previously granted are now denied." "Oh, I see." "Colonel, what makes you so sure" "I didn't make a copy of that list?" "A copy?" "Why, that would be silly." "No one would believe a copy..." "When you take that extra shower, just make sure your men don't use too much water." "Granted." ""(End of Episode)""