"Woman on PA:" "Attention please, flight number 305 for Chicago is now loading at Gate 3." "Excuse me, young man, aren't you holding that newspaper upside down?" "Oh, yes, thank you very much." "Busybody." "( phone rings )" "Hello, 47?" "This is 86." "Well, all we know so far is that the counterfeit money is being smuggled into the country, hidden somewhere, then picked up by KAOS agents who are using it to finance their operations and disrupt our economy." "You think you may have a clue?" "Well, hold on a second until I find a pencil." "( silenced gunfire )" "Okay, go ahead." "I've got one." "86, I think they're onto me." "Max:" "Never mind about that." "What's the clue?" " ( groans )" " How do you spell that?" "47?" "47!" "Max:" "47, what happened?" "47, the clue." "What is the clue?" "In a minute." "But do me a favor." " Anything, 47." "Anything." " This is important." "As you know, I'm head negotiator for the new labor contract between CONTROL agents and CONTROL." "You'll have to-- you'll have to take my place, 86." "Sure." "Sure thing." "Sure thing, 47." "But first give me the clue." "No." "First, you have to take the official oath." "I have to be standing up when I give you the oath." "Help me up." "Easy, easy there." "Now repeat after me" "I, 86, hereby promise to act in good faith" ""I, 86, hereby promise to act in good faith--"" " You sure we have to be standing?" " Oh, yes." " Okay." " As head negotiator for CONTROL agents-- ooh, ah." ""As head negotiator for CONTROL agents-- ooh, ah."" "In their battle... for a more equitable contract with CONTROL." ""In their battle for a more equitable contract with CONTROL."" "Now quick, 47, what's the clue?" "We forgot the secret handshake." "I now pronounce you the new head negotiator... for the Guild of Surviving CONTROL Agents." "47, the clue." "What is the clue?" "Quick, before it's too late." ""The little red tractor that huffed and puffed."" ""The little red tractor that huffed and puffed." What does it mean, 47?" "47, what does it mean?" "Operator:" "That'll be 10¢ for the next three minutes, please." "Just a minute, Operator." "Agent 47, I solemnly promise to take over as union negotiator, and as soon as I have time, to track down the vital clue you just gave me... and I just forgot." "Operator: "The little red tractor that huffed and puffed."" "Thank you, Operator." "( theme music playing )" "( bell rings )" "All right, men." "As the new head negotiator for the Guild of Surviving CONTROL Agents," "I hereby call this secret meeting to order." "First, before I begin, I'd like to compliment you men on the wonderful way that you sneaked in here and hid." "Looking around, I have no idea where any of you is hiding." "Now to get on with the business of the day," "First of all, we'll have roll call." "Oh, sorry about that, 25." " Okay, Agent 61." " 61:" "Here." " Agent 12." " ( creaks )" "Agent 82." "( music notes playing )" "Still hiding out in the old organ, huh, 82?" "Agent 74." "( telegraph beeping )" "Agent 35?" "Agent 35?" "( footsteps running )" "You're five minutes late, Agent 35." "All right, gentlemen." "Let's let the meeting proceed." "Sorry again, 25." "You all know what this secret meeting was called for." "Chief, what are you doing here?" "This is an emergency, Max." "I had to find you." "How did you find me?" "This is supposed to be a secret meeting." "I had Agent K-13 track you." "Fang, what are you, some kind of a furry strike-breaker?" "Max, Fang is an agent first." "He knows his duty." "Well, I know my duty too, Chief." "How would you like it if I give you an ultimatum?" "How would you like it if I give you a choice between Fang and me?" "How would you like that?" "Perhaps I phrased that badly." "Max, there's nobody here." "Who are you supposed to be talking to?" "Every male CONTROL agent is here, Chief." "They're just so well hidden and disguised as pieces of furniture that you can't tell where they are." "Well, this meeting will have to wait." "It's imperative that we get to work on the KAOS counterfeit case before they flood the country with bogus bills." "I'm sorry, Chief, but this meeting can't wait." "Of course we'll call it off as soon as we take a vote and decide whether we're gonna go out on strike at midnight tonight." "Max, you men wouldn't go on strike." "Ho, ho, ho." "Yes, we would... if certain demands are not met." "For example, let's take the question of a week off with pay for having to swallow secret government documents." "Max, be reasonable." "We're working on a limited budget." "Don't tell me, Chief." "Tell them." "Now listen, men." "Be reasonable." "You there." "You know perfectly well as your Chief of CONTROL" " Chief." " What?" "That's just a lamp you're talking to." "Now, another thing, Chief, and I think this is very important-- the question of double overtime in case we're shot, wounded or poisoned" " on Grellman's birthday." " Grellman's birthday?" "What in heaven's name is that?" "That's code, Chief, for Washington's birthday." "This is ridiculous." "For example, you-- have you ever been shot, wounded or poisoned on Grellman's birthday?" "Chief, it's only a sofa." "Here's a point that all the men are very, very interested in." "For example, if we're captured by enemy agents and taken to a foreign country, why can't we come back tourist class instead of having to stow away?" "That's a good question." "You know perfectly well if I had the power to help you in any way" " Chief." " What?" "!" "It's only a chest of drawers." "This whole conversation is absolutely useless." "I expect you in my office within half an hour." " Are you coming or are you staying?" " ( whimpers )" "Max:" "Good boy, Fang." "I knew you'd stick with us, Fang." "Just for being so reliable, I'm gonna take you with me on our next assignment." "Just think of it-- we'll be together again, facing danger, torture and death." "( barking, whimpering )" "That dog is almost human." ""The little red tractor that huffed and puffed."" "Max, is that the only clue that Agent 47 left?" "Chief, as the new head negotiator for the Guild of Surviving CONTROL Agents," "I must warn you that in exactly 10 hours and 43 seconds we are all going out on strike!" "Max, please." ""The little red tractor that huffed and puffed."" "Must be some kind of code, Chief." " That's possible, 99." " That's it, Chief." " Chief:" "That's what?" " "Red" means Communist." ""Tractor" means farmer." ""Huffed and puffed" means tired." "What that's supposed to mean?" "I don't know." "Find a tired Communist farmer and ask him." "Chief, I was just going over the things in Agent 47's pocket and I found this." "It's a bookmark from "Ye Olde Bookshop."" "Could "The little red tractor that huffed and puffed"" "be the name of a book?" " I doubt that very much, 99." " Get me the public library." "I consider myself an expert on books, and I don't think that has anything to do with it." "Hello, is this the public library?" "Yes." "Does the phrase, "The little red tractor that huffed and puffed" mean anything to you?" "It does?" "The title of a new children's book." "Thank you very much." "Good thinking, 99." "Max, you go over to this "Ye Olde Bookshop"" "and see what you can find out." "But be careful," " it may be a KAOS front." " Right, Chief." "Oh, Chief, before I go, I think I must warn you that you only have now nine hours and 54 minutes before every male CONTROL agent goes out on strike." "Max, I have made my final concessions on a new contract." " Now, go over to that bookstore." " Okay, Chief, I'm going, but I don't understand your attitude." "The least you could do is issue us new bulletproof shirts." "I'm ashamed to wear the one I've got." "Look at it-- it's full of holes." "If it wasn't for my bulletproof undershirt," "I'd be in a lot of trouble." "Kaos Agent K-12 hasn't picked up "The Little Red Tractor that Huffed and Puffed" yet, Madame Verna." " He was due yesterday." " ( door chimes jingle )" " Good morning." " Good morning." "May I help you?" "Yes, I'm interested in a children's book." "Do you have any particular book in mind?" "Yes, as a matter of fact I do." ""The Little Red Tractor that Huffed and Puffed."" "Here you are, sir." "I'm sure your child will enjoy it, especially page 52." "Page 52, eh?" "Thank you." "He just took the book and walked out?" "Something must have made him suspicious, and he decided to play it safe." "Maybe he knew something about one of those old ladies." "Well, Max, the decoding department came out with a complete blank on this copy of page 52." "Did they try the "every third word" technique, Chief?" "Yes, they did." "Listen" ""Good boy happy see why huff and little then why not." It doesn't work." "And it makes it hard to follow the story too." "We've got to stop this insidious flow of counterfeit money." "Now take this book, go back to the store and see what else you can find out." "Right, Chief, but I have to hurry." "In seven hours every CONTROL agent lays down his gun and goes out on strike." " I haven't forgotten, Max." " Don't forget these, Max." " Oh, thank you, 99." " What are they?" "They're the signs we'll be carrying when we go out on strike." "They don't make any sense, Max." "Of course not, 99." "They're in code." "What about those two little old ladies you followed?" "They seemed harmless enough." "They went directly from here to the race track." "( door chimes jingle )" "I'm sorry, but the child didn't enjoy this book at all, especially page 52." " Oh, I understand, sir." " You do?" "And may I say it was extremely intelligent of your child to be so careful?" "Here." ""The Little Old Lady Who Lived in a Spaceship."" "And may I especially draw your attention to page 39." "Just page 39?" "That's all?" "Just page 39." "I wonder if you can give me another little hint." "What kind of hint?" "Well, you know-- how the book turns out." "( nervous laughing )" "Ahem, ahem." "Okay." "He's leaving again." "( door chimes jingle )" "Man:" "What was he doing here?" " Verna:" "Who?" " Maxwell Smart." " Maxwell Smart!" " The CONTROL agent?" "Intercept Maxwell Smart at his apartment and get that book back." " And then" " Then what?" "Then eradicate Smart." "You sure have a way with words." "( keys turn in lock )" " ( phone rings )" " Hello." "Max:" "Hello, is this the Chief of CONTROL?" "Max, you know very well it is." "Well, Chief of CONTROL, as the new head negotiator for the Guild of Surviving CONTROL Agents," "I feel it is my duty to remind you that we go on strike at exactly midnight tonight." "Unless, of course, certain demands are met-- especially in the areas of overtime, convalescence leaves, vacations with pay and a summer clothing allowance for black and white shoe phones." "I understand, Mr. Smart." "Thank you for calling." "Oh, Chief, one more thing-- I have some new very important developments on the KAOS counterfeiting case." "You have?" "What, Max?" "Well, I can't tell you now, Chief." "You'll have to call me back and ask for Agent 86." "Max, why can't you simply tell me now?" "Because this is strictly a labor relations call." "Max." "( phone rings )" " Hello, Agent 86 here." " Yes, Max?" "Oh hi, Chief." "Glad you called." "Now about that KAOS counterfeiting case," "I went back to the bookstore and they gave me a new children's book" ""The Little Old Lady Who Lived in a Spaceship."" "And this time they referred me to page 39." "Page 39, huh?" "Have you been able to make any sense out of it yet?" "Well, no, Chief, as a matter of fact I haven't." "Get your codebook out right away and try to decode page 39." "Right, Chief." "Oh, hi." "Your hands up, please, Mr. Smart." "How did you get in here?" "The door was locked." "Well, very simple, Mr. Smart-- a sharp blow precisely 12 inches above the center of the lock and the door opens automatically." "Turn around!" "Wait a minute." "Didn't I see you in the bookstore?" "That's correct." "I'll take that book." "I don't understand-- on the inside cover it says that I'm allowed to keep it for three days." "Well, I'm very sorry, Mr. Smart." "I've been told to kill you, and as a good KAOS agent" " I must obey." " I see." "Uh, first of all, before you shoot," "I'd like to ask you a very important question." "What's so great about page 39?" "The contents of the page itself are meaningless, Mr. Smart." "Of course-  the page number!" " Precisely." "Not that it will do you any good, but the three stands for the third row of books down from the top on the book shelves along the back wall of the bookshop." "And the nine means the ninth book from the right." "Have you any other last requests, Mr. Smart?" " I'd like to read something to you." " What?" "The complete works of William Shakespeare." " ( gunshot )" " Hold it!" "( grunts ) I think one of us has been shot." "I think it's me." "Where did you shoot me?" " Left chest." " ( gasps ) Good." " Good?" " As a KAOS agent," "I get double indemnity for getting shot above the waist." "Double indemnity for being shot only once?" "Not only that, if I'm shot and I don't die instantly, my family gets an additional 25% for suffering." "Unbelievable." "And if I survive my wounds," "I get a guaranteed six weeks convalescence leave with pay." "With pay?" "You gotta be putting me on." "Not only that, we get to stay free at any resort on our KAOS credit card-- American plan." "Three superb meals a day, tennis, golf, bingo parties, dance lessons, and... free funerals." "Lucky devil." "Bingo parties?" "I didn't know KAOS was religious." " ( door chimes jingle )" " It's right back there against the back wall." "Chief, did I say 93 or 39?" "I think you said 39." "Hurry up, Max." "Don't rush me, Chief." "Now, let me see." "What was it?" "It was the third shelf from the top and the ninth book over-- here it is, Chief." "Say, I haven't read this one yet" ""She Couldn't Say No."" " We didn't come for reading material." " How do you like that?" "Nothing, not even a secret compartment." "Wait a minute, Max." "There's something taped on here." "A-ha." "Hey, Chief, you know what that looks like?" "It looks like one of those keys to a coin locker at a bus depot." "Well, at least now we know where those KAOS agents have been picking up their counterfeit money." "Let's go." "And as the old saying goes, gentlemen," ""A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing."" "How do you like that?" "The old secret-panel- in-the-bookcase trick." " How corny can you get?" " It fooled you, didn't it?" "Just barely." "Don't let them get away, you fool!" "Man:" "Turn on the lights." "Max:" "Hold it!" "Stay right where you are." "One move and I shoot." "Sorry about that, Chief." "Max!" "( whispers ) Max, that's good shooting." "I know, Chief." "I got him right on the fiction section." " Hold it." " Max:" "You hold it." "Okay, Chief, I'll take over." "I'll just take this guy downtown-- it's 12:00 midnight." "Max, you let him get his gun back." "Well, Chief, as a loyal member of the Guild for Surviving CONTROL Agents," "I go out on strike at exactly 12:00 midnight." "I sympathize with you, Mr. Smart." "You're not gonna shoot us in cold blood." "As Chief of Agents, you will make an excellent hostage." "However, it will give KAOS a great pleasure to rid itself of the troublesome Maxwell Smart once and for all." " Are you ready, Mr. Smart?" " Just a minute." "Chief, before I die, I'd like to make one last appeal and ask you to please sign this contract." "All right, Max, anything you say." "Is that a standard contract?" " What about free funerals?" " Free funerals?" "I've never heard of such a thing." "Chief, how can you be so cheap?" "That man is going to kill me." "All right, Max, free funerals." "And four free weeks with pay after jumping from a moving train?" "Four weeks with pay, now that's out of line." "Okay, Chief, okay." "Goodbye." "All right, Max." "All right, I'll sign it." "Thank you, Chief." "And now if you don't mind, I'll just take that gun." "( gun clicks )" "Thank goodness that gun misfired, Max." "Not misfired, Chief." "No bullets." "You knew that gun wouldn't fire?" "Max, I consider that a very underhanded way to get me to sign a new contract." "Tell me, Mr. Smart, how did you know there was no bullet in that gun?" "That was really quite simple, my friend." "You see, I happen to know that this is an XK-13074112802 Luger, and it only fires six shots." "Well, that's odd, Max." "I counted only five." "Don't be ridiculous, Chief." "There were definitively six shots squeezed off." "I happen to know my guns." "What I don't know is my arithmetic." "Well, Max, the KAOS agents involved are either dead or behind bars, and we've located the rest of the counterfeit money in those coin lockers at the bus depot." " You forgot one thing, Chief." " What's that?" "You came to terms with the GSCA." "Yes, and don't think I'm not grateful." "Now we can forget about unions and concentrate on the real problems of CONTROL." "Not quite yet, Chief." "What do you mean, Max?" "Well, Chief, as you know, female agents have problems too." "Some of them quite different from male agents." "What are you trying to say, 99?" "Well, what she's trying to say, Chief, is that I have just been appointed head of the negotiating committee for all women CONTROL agents." "No, you haven't, Max." "No, no." "For example, Chief, take the little extra expenses that a girl has when she's trying to vamp an enemy agent." "Oh, new hairdos and facials and gold-plated revolvers" " for evening wear" " No." "Yes, Chief." "And how about the question of overtime for going around disguised as a man?" " What woman likes to dress as a man?" " No." " With smelly cigars and" " No." "( theme music playing )"