"( theme song playing )" "SCHULTZ:" "LeBeau." "Ici." "Carter." "Aye." "Newkirk." "Ici." "Kinchloe." "Yeah." "Hogan." "Yeah, here." "Everybody here?" "Don't question it, Schultz, enjoy it." "You are so right, Colonel Hogan." "The end of a perfect day." "I couldn't ask for anything..." "KLINK:" "Report!" "Report!" "Herr Kommandant, beg to report that..." "You beg to report that what?" "Klink, darling!" "I have come back to you!" "To me?" "Look at him, Waffy." "Is he not beautiful?" "!" "Oh, Klinky..." "Oh..." "Crush me in your strong arms, Klink, darling." "Hold me, hurt me-- it's what I've been longing for." "What do you make of that, Colonel?" "Things were running too smoothly is what I make of it." "I didn't know she had a thing going with Klink." "She could not, never." "Pure as the driven snow... practically." "LeBeau, do me a favor..." "Hold it." "Look at our other visiting fireman." "Waffy, dear, this is my gorgeous Kommandant Klink." "Mmm!" "Look upon him and eat your Prussian heart out." "Sir, I assure you, for my part," "I have not made the slightest overtures, nor the most delicate innuendoes." "Do not concern yourself, Klink, darling." "Waffy and I are merely as brother and sister-- nothing." "Oh, did I say that this is Count von Waffenschmidt?" "Oh, Count von Waffenschmidt, it's a great honor, sir." "And once more may I say that I categorically state that I..." "Is it possible to transact our affairs inside?" "Or should we stand here like vegetable merchants?" "Oh, into my office, by all means." "It's a great honor, Count von Waffenschmidt." "Schultz, the door, the door." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Do not be jealous of him, Klink, darling." "He is nothing to me." "You are everything." "Huh?" "How very kind of you." "Hmm..." "She has come to see me, I feel it." "Did she look over here once?" "Once?" "!" "She could not trust herself." "That should be an interesting conversation, Colonel." "Yeah, let's listen in, huh?" "That's very interesting, Count von Waffenschmidt." "So you are going to the Russian front?" "That's a wonderful place to visit, but I wouldn't want to die there." "There's a train running by here in the morning." "Marya and I will be on it." "You have only tonight for love, Klink." "Enough?" "( chuckles softly )" "Tell him, Klink, darling." "As a matter of fact," "I believe I'm on guard duty tonight." "Oh, you're so right, Klink, darling." "En garde..." "Merely transact your sordid affairs out of my sight." "And your quarters, Klink, do they carry out the, uh... decor of your office-- "Early Grubby"?" "( laughs nervously )" ""Grubby"-- grubby, yes, but home, sir." "Good, I will sleep there." "Do not disturb me." "Waffy is petulant, Klink, darling, because I forced him to come here." "Be realistic-- what can you do with a suitcase chained to your wrist?" "Really, Marya, what possible difference does it make if I ignore you with one hand or two?" "Hah!" "You beg to be a courier so you can be a refugee from life." "Pooey." "It is all a crushing bore:" "you, this, him, the Russian front, everything." "If you will excuse me," "I must post the guard now." "Oh, no, no, no." "The evening belongs to me, Klink, darling." "Where can we go that is intimate, romantic?" "The mess hall?" "Anywhere, Klink, darling-- with you, anywhere." "I wonder..." "How could she?" "!" "Klink?" "!" "Bah!" "LeBeau, you're around the bend." "Wait a minute, wait a minute" "I'm trying to sort this out." "I don't trust her, but I don't underestimate her." "She knows we've got Klink's office bugged, right?" "Or she's got a pretty good idea." "So that conversation might have been meant for us." "It's just possible." "Now, what do we got?" "A courier on his way to the Russian front with an attaché case chained to his wrist, and he's sleeping in Klink's quarters tonight." "Hey, maybe she wants us to steal that attaché case." "While she takes Klink out of the way." "You see, and you doubted her." "That may be it-- maybe." "So what do we do?" "Wait till we find out definitely?" "They're leaving camp tomorrow morning." "So we go to work tonight." "Was there something you wanted?" "Wasn't this the room that called for a plumber?" "A fine example, I believe, of gallows humor." "Schultz!" "Now, stand right over there... and quietly, most quietly." "You wouldn't believe we were looking for a red-headed bird named Ginger?" "No." "No, I didn't think you would somehow." "Count von Waffenschmidt," "Sergeant Schultz reporting, alert and on guard..." "Colonel Hogan, Newkirk." "Hi, Schultz." "Nice to see you, Schultzy." "I see you know these men, Schultz." "Of course, Count von Waffenschmidt." "Those are our prisoners of war." "Any idea how they got in here?" "Not the slightest." "Then I will tell you." "They came right past your nose as you were sleeping." "Oh, a brilliant conclusion, Count von Waff..." "I will deal with you later, Schultz." "Colonel Hogan, would you like to know the contents of this?" "If it wouldn't be prying." "It contains honey, and you are the first fly to catch his feet in it." "Glad you told me." "I should be more specific." "We have been troubled for the past six months by spies." "Our general staff sends battle plans to the Russian front, but somehow the Russians have them before our own troops." "Obviously a very clever ring." "My, uh, sympathies to the general staff." "This time we do things a bit differently." "I carry the battle plans to the front myself." "With me is Marya, whom we have been watching for some time." "Now, if she cares to detour along the way," "I allow it-- such as our stopover here at Stalag 13." "You begin to get the picture, Hogan?" "Certainly looks bad for Klink, doesn't it?" "Oh, not Klink... you." "You are the first of her contacts I have apprehended, and in a short while I will have the whole ring." "Now, Schultz, both of these men will remain under the most stringent security until I return from Russia." "At that time, the Gestapo in Berlin will undertake the interrogation under my personal direction." "Should either of them escape, your life will be forfeit." "Understand?" "Count von Waffenschmidt, while I certainly am honored by this assignment, there are guards here who are younger and... more in need of recognition and..." "You, Schultz!" "Now take them away." "Jawohl." "Until my return, Colonel Hogan, when we shall become more closely acquainted." "Colonel Hogan, Newkirk!" "You will stay away from the front lines?" "Definitely." "Reporting for duty, Colonel." "I know what you are thinking, mon colonel, but she is innocent, innocent." "And you're out of your mind, but keep your voices down." "She is innocent." "Then what are we in here for, double parking?" "All right, look-- they set a trap and we walked into it." "I could get you out of here, Colonel." "See, all I got to do is pour a couple of drops of nitroglycerin into the cell door lock there and she swings right open." "Not good enough." "Well, surely that's better than doing a waltz with the Gestapo in Berlin, sir." "I'm not planning on doing either." "Somehow I'm going to get my hands on those plans in that attaché case." "But won't they be on that train tomorrow morning that's going to the Russian front?" "So will we." "Maybe I should go home for that nitroglycerin." "Go with LeBeau." "Get into a German general's uniform, special forces." "Tell Kinch to go out and set a time bomb on the tracks of that train." "I want it delayed for about three hours." "Oui-- that I understand." "Colonel, is there anything special you want me to do as a German general?" "Recruit us all into the Wehrmacht." "We're joining the German army?" "Just for a short time." "Oh, well, if it's only for a short time." "On a suicide mission to the Russian front." "Herr Kommandant, they went to the train station." "Are you sure?" "The woman, too?" "Count von Waffenschmidt and the woman." "Oh, what a relief." "I'm a prisoner in my own camp." "All night I've been trying to avoid her." "I should get involved with a Russian traveling with a jealous count?" "Oh, Herr Kommandant, it was a very hard night." "Perhaps we both could take the day off." "Excellent idea, Schultz." "Ah, my own quarters, a warm glass of milk in my own warm bed." "So!" "9:00 in the morning and already we're going to bed." "What is this, a rest camp or a prison camp?" "!" "Achtung!" "Ah, how very nice to see you, General, uh..." "Reifschneider-- a name you will not soon forget!" "No, certainly, General Reifschneider." "A great pleasure, General Reifschneider." "You see, Sergeant Schultz and I were just having a bit of a joke, as you might call it." ""Treason" I would call it." "In Berlin we have two words for sleeping on the job-- boom, boom." ""Boom, boom."" "Correct, sir." "You're absolutely right." "Remember that, Schultz." "Me, Herr Kommandant?" "So!" "Where is your security here, Klink?" "!" "No one told you when I arrived!" "No one called you when I came to the gates, no!" "General Reifschneider, heads will roll." "You can be assured of that." "I am-- a very shiny one." "Very clever, General Reifschneider." "No one enjoys a good laugh more than I do, but..." "Enough small talk." "Of course, General Reifschneider." "I mean after all, two busy men like us have no time for small..." "Enough, Klink!" "Enough, Klink!" "Yes, sir." "Now prop open your eyes and listen to me." "I have come from Berlin to recruit a very special squad-- men who have nothing to live for and so will not be afraid to die." "In a word, prisoners." "Prisoners?" "Oh... ( chuckles ) take all you want" "Liberty hall." "About five will do for a suicide squad to the Russian front!" "After Stalag 13, they would go anywhere, if I may say so, sir." "You just did." "Thank you for noticing it, General Reifschneider." "Schultz!" "Round up five prisoners!" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "CARTER:" "Klink!" "If I had wanted you to pick the prisoners," "I could have stayed in Berlin!" "I will pick the men!" "And you will do a much better job, General Reifschneider." "Schultz, countermand that order." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Come!" "When I see the men I will know them." "Certainly, General Reifschneider." "Schultz, you come with us." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Herr Kommandant..." "And after that, could I have the day off?" "Schultz." "CARTER:" "Klink!" "Ah, Klink." "SCHULTZ:" "Achtung!" "Achtung!" "Ah..." "Restricted area." "Back to the barracks at once." "I'm sorry, General Reifschneider." "Their names?" "Corporal LeBeau, Sergeant Kinchloe." "Corrective discipline will be taken at once, trust me, sir." "I shall take them." "KLINK:" "Excellent idea, General Reifschneider." "Fit them with German uniforms-- Wehrmacht." "They fall out for the Russian front within the hour." "Wait a minute!" "Don't we have a choice?" "None!" "You are volunteers." "Who's in there?" "Oh, uh, top-security prisoners held by Count von Waffenschmidt and the Gestapo, sir." "Good." "I shall look at them." "KLINK:" "But General Reifschneider, I..." "I..." "But, General Reifschneider, my instructions are most specific." "These men are to be held here until Count von Waffenschmidt returns." "If they're not here, I will be shot." "If you don't release them to me, you shall be shot now." "It is your choice." "I think I should prefer to be shot later." "Congratulations." "You men have just volunteered for a glorious suicide mission to the Russian front." "I need one more." "Uh, General," "Sergeant Carter of our outfit would be a very good choice." "Why?" "Well, he's not too bright." "Perfect volunteer." "I'll take him." "Uniforms for all;" "they have a train to catch." "KLINK:" "Guards!" "The prisoners have just joined the Wehrmacht." "Call the quartermaster." "Uniforms for everybody." "Klink, one thing more." "Please, General..." "Klink, I am trying to help you." "Really?" "If you do not wish to be around when Count von Waffenschmidt returns, how about a transfer?" "Oh, anywhere, anywhere at all, General Reifschneider." "Good!" "You shall be the leader of the suicide squad." "Fall out with full field pack in ten minutes." "I'm returning to Berlin." "But..." "Well, uh, congratulations, sir." "Just what you've always wanted." "Hogan, where did I go wrong?" "( train whistle blowing )" "Getting colder, isn't it?" "Oh, uh, colder." "Yes, definitely." "Every mile now, colder." "Every half mile even-- colder." "Yeah, getting colder, all right." "I know it's cold." "I can feel it, I'm freezing." "Why do you have to keep reminding me of it?" "That's a good sign-- irritable." "Means he's honed to a fine edge for combat." "Hogan, why do you have to keep saying that?" "Honed to a fine edge for what?" "I don't even know what our mission is." "Well, we'll probably get sealed orders when we get to the front." "That's the way these things usually work." "Why?" "!" "What is the rhyme or reason of it?" "Why do I have to be snatched away from a warm, dry, safe Stalag 13 and be sent on some suicide mission by some madman?" "General Reifschneider, sir?" "Yes, General Reifschneider!" "I'm not afraid to say it." "And I shall certainly deny that I did." "Courageous stand, sir." "She is coming, Colonel, Marya." "Marya?" "The Russian?" "From what direction?" "This way, sir." "I'm going that direction." "She was the cause of it all." "Somehow I feel that she's responsible." "She couldn't help herself, sir." "It's your legendary charm." "I will not let her spoil my last few miserable hours." "Better go with him-- make sure he doesn't jump off the train, huh?" "And you will see, mon colonel, she's completely innocent." "And the Russian front is a summer resort." "See you later." "Oh, you look lovely in your little uniform." "And you in yours." "After eternities!" "Alone at last." "Hold me, Hogan." "Hold you after what you did?" "I could strangle you." "The small one, how he trusts me." "What a lesson for you in his beautiful faith." "Look, do you have any idea at all what you're doing?" "Von Waffenschmidt used you to trap me, and he's going to do the same thing with all your other contacts." "How diabolical." "It happens to be true, which is one of the reasons I'm here." "Oh, how sad." "I thought you pursued me out of passion." "Look, stop the fun and games for a minute and listen to what I'm telling you." "Von Waffenschmidt knows you're an agent." "After he grabs all your contacts, he's going to grab you." "I know." "How long have you known?" "From the beginning." "Then why this business at Stalag 13?" "You knew we had Klink's office bugged." "You practically told us you were getting him out of the way so we'd make a grab for the case." "The attaché case is of no importance;" "we already have the plans." "Then why did you have me stick my neck out?" "Because I needed your help, Hogan, darling, in the larger plan." "Was that your way of getting me to help you?" "!" "You're here." "Hmm?" "All right, all right." "What's it all about?" "First, say you trust me." "Not for a second!" "I like you." "Now, there are generals on the German general staff who wish to bring down Hitler." "Every battle plan for the Eastern front is transmitted by them in code to a secret station in Switzerland." "From there it finds its way to Russia." "Naturally the Germans know there is a leak." "Von Waffenschmidt is trying to find it." "Simple, no?" "And that's how you already have the information he's carrying with him." "Brilliant, Hogan, darling." "This whole operation is just to throw von Waffenschmidt off the track, act as a red herring." "Please, I'm a White Russian!" "Got to get rid of him somehow." "Or discredit him." "Don't worry, you'll think of something." "I'll think of something, I will?" "Of course you will." "I've already drugged his brandy." "He'll be out at least another half hour." "That's all, 30 minutes?" "Do not waste time." "That leaves only 20 minutes for love." "( train whistle blowing )" "NEWKIRK:" "I think this is the one, Colonel-- same one as almost opened it before." "Here we go." "Ah." "There, sir." "Okay, Newkirk, good work." "Right, shouldn't I get to work on the case, sir?" "Just take your knife and cut the seal." "What-- all this and you don't even want to open it?" "It just has to look like it's been opened." "He is brilliant." "Trust him as I do." "Cut, Newkirk." "Okay, sir-- it's your show." "( brakes screeching )" "( grunts ) Hmm..." "It looks like our boys got the train stopped." "What a marvelous way to take advantage of me." "( chuckles softly )" "( gears slam loudly )" "Hey, LeBeau, you sure you know how to run an engine?" "Of course I am sure I know how to run an engine!" "Forward, I know how to run an engine!" "Backward, I have not had much practice!" "Probably a new crew." "On my last trip must I be bounced around like a bean bag?" "( engine chugging )" "Well, I guess they got it going now..." "I hope." "Personally, I'm in no hurry." "Does it seem to you like the train is going backwards?" "( groans )" "Oh, my head." "( groans )" "What did you..." "You drank too much, Waffy." "One drink?" "That was too much." "Might be the climate." "Now, you are Hogan." "Well... now, how did you get here?" "Better check the seal." "Looking for this?" "Oh, he forced me to tell." "So, now you shoot me?" "Not necessarily-- but the Gestapo might." "Why?" "Several reasons." "For losing the battle plans?" "They're still in there." "But we might have made copies." "What happens then?" "You deliver them, the Russians already have the plans, you get shot as a traitor." "But if I say the plans might have been tampered with?" "They shoot for inefficiency, Waffy." "I see." "Well, then..." "Go ahead... shoot." "Too messy." "But you might defect." "You could get me out of Germany?" "It's possible." "But I would be branded." "They would consider me the head of the spy ring I was sent to catch." "They would take vengeance on my wife." "You love her that much, Waffy?" "I will defect." "You could be a great asset to the free world." "What are we talking about?" "We are on a train bound for the Russian front." "Stalag 13." "The Russian front." "When Hogan says something, Waffy, dear, believe him." "Stalag 13?" "HOGAN:" "Rise and shine, commandant, we're here." "Hmm?" "Hmm, we're... we're here?" "Yeah-- the rest of the commandos are already off the train." "Commandos?" "Klink's Commandos." "Oh..." "Oh, it's terribly cold." "Yeah, brisk, sir." "Oh, thank you, Hogan." "You know, Hogan, I just want to say, despite our little differences," "I've always regarded you as a kindred spirit." ""Kindred spirit"-- it's very decent of you, sir." "And, you know, when this is over and we should meet on that great parade ground in the sky, just call me Wilhelm." "Well, thank you." "And I know what a great disappointment this is to you." "Disappointment?" "It's a disaster!" "No, no, I mean the mission being called off." "Called off?" "Yeah, change of orders." "I thought you heard." "But where are we?" "At the station near Stalag 13." "Stalag 13?" "!" "Tough break, Wilhelm." ""Wilhelm"?" "Commandant Klink, Hogan." "Yeah, good to be home again."