"When dad called to say that we need to come by and pick up all our old stuff," "I didn't realize we were going to have tobuyit back." "Your father said you could have everything for $64.73." "I tried to talk him down,but he seemed pretty firm." "Hey,look!" "It's Milo." "Remember him?" "Mom and Dad got him for me 'cause halways tells the truth." ""Hi,Earl." "Remember that time you got real drunk and pooped in bed?"" "That is true." "Embarrassing but true." "Yeah." "I never really liked Milo." "Ah!" "Darnell,check it out!" "It's one of them IQ machines." "Try to get the ball in the furthest hole and,if you do,you're a genius." "I used to playhis at the mall when we would skip school." "I was the only one that could get genius every time." "They called me "The Ball Genius."" "In the seventh grade,that name took on a new meaning, but this is where it all started." "****" "what are you doing?" "i'm not stealing it." "i'm just going to hold on to it so nobody buys this thing." "couple of hours,they'll be begging usto takit off their hands." ""ball genius."" "see?" "this is why i don't go to yard sales with you." "hey,earl,i'm trying to decide between buying the lawn darts or our old baby teeth." "the lawn darts are more fun, but our baby teeth are more practical." "seeing those lawn darts was karma's way of telling me it was time to do #87 on my list:" ""chased away mom and dad's friends."" "back in the '80s,our next-door neighbors,cathy and clark clark,were my parents' best friends." "hey,have you guys seen this new" ""we are the world" short film on that music television video channel?" "i think spiders heat up faster than ants." "i'm good at this,randy." "maybe iwillbe a scientist." "that would be awesome,earl." ""randy forgot to wipe earlier."name is ear I i mean,all those poor,starving children, and... and all those musicians with their different musical styles-- bob dylan,dan aykroyd-- and they're all coming together,and they're all harmonizing" "for... for humanity." "what tool." "seeing a grown man shed actual tears was hilarious, and,once we saw it,we had to see more." "poor birdies!" "dead birds were so much fun, we took it up a notch,and found a place at the mall that made fake newspapers." "why are babies killing themselves?" "but,eventually,we pushed him too far." "later that afternoon, clark realized he just couldn't take it anymore." "all i know is is he was real upset about something." "he was so emotional,i couldn't understand what he was talking about." "it just doesn't make any sense." "people just don't move in one day." "something's going on here." ""oh,randy tortured mr. clark and made him cry."" "come on,randy." "we need to go find the clarks." ""randy touches himself sometimes."" "shh!" "easy,buddy." "hey,hey,hey,hey!" "you don't want that." "it's all jacked up,and it ain't got no marble on it." "not a problem." "that's a straight-up,street-balling move right there,willy." "you're like the karl malone of mailmen." "how much," "$3.25." "uh-uh. no. that's mine." "i had my eye on it way before you had your eye on it." "i'll go $4.00." " $4.25. - $4.68." " $5.00. - darnell,how much money you got on you?" "$45. but we gotta stop and get dodge's asthma medicine,so more like... $45.00!" "sold." "oh,hell to the no." "this was on there when we were bidding on it." "if you wanted your fake peeper back, shouldn't have driven up the price so high." "every day's a new adventure." "wasn't that hard to find mr. clark." "he was the only clark clark in the phone book, and they only moved one town over." "guys,i appreciate what you're doing, but you weren't the reason we moved." "we weren't?" "i really... i can't say why we moved." "but... but you know what?" "i have lived with this for too long, and maybe it's time that i got it off my chest." "we moved because your mother and i had an affair." "mom?" "hey,boys. you want some cookies?" "i've got hot snickerdoodles." "you know what i want more than cookies,mom?" "i want to know why you had sex with mr. clark." "i'd prefer the snickerdoodles." "who told you about me and clark clark?" "clark clark." "clark clark." "damn you,clark clark!" "apparently,dad was always working,and clark's wife was always at self-defense class, so they kept each other company, but just as friends until the ap had a le on wine coolers." "do you have any queens?" "you are the only queen that i can see." "go fish." "do you have any twos?" "i've got two lonely lips and two supple breasts." "why don't you come on over here anfish around for them?" "the next day,mom was ashamed of herself, and broke things off." "ka no. please." "you are the most generous lover i have even known." "oh... cathy just rolls over and goes to sleep after she getshertinglies." "what we did was wrong,clark." "it was a moment of weakness." "it was a mistake." "your husband is the one making the mistake." "he doesn't take care of you like i would." "look!" "he doesn't even have your storm windows up yet!" "your father's home!" "anyone want to tell me why the clarks are moving?" "i tried to talk to him, but all he'd do is tell me i need to put up storm windows." "is there a hurricane coming?" "all i know is he wasrealupset about something." "he was so emotional, i couldn't understand what he was saying." "doesn't make any sense." "people don't just move in one day." "you need to tell dad." "your fatr is no angel,you know." "i once found a hooters receipt in his jean jacket pocket." "look,no one knows what it's like to be cheated on more than i do." "dad deserves to know." "dad deserves to know what?" ""oh,carl,wait until you hear this.apparently,your wife..."" "what the hell is going on?" "what was the puppet talking about?" "mom?" "carl,do you rember 1985?" "my wife's a whore!" "all neighbors are welcome!" "line forms at the garage!" "when you're little,and your parents split up, they decide who gets you." "when you're adults,and they split up, you decide who gets them." "i got dad." "women!" "you're with them for 40 years!" "you learn the special way to fold the towels!" "you go see neal sedaka at the civic center!" "you even put up one of those piece of crap thomas kincaid paintings in the bedroom-- andor what?" "i hear ya!" "you steal for them,fight for them, they still hand you a different-colored baby from a different-colored father. bitches." " bitches!" " and clark clark." "who the hell doe he think he is, sticking it to my mother?" "your wife?" "he's lucky you don't kick his ass!" "oh,he's lucky,all right." "but his luck just ran out." "i'm going to make him wish he went across the street and banged mrs. henderson." "let's do this!" "i know this isn't a time to brag, but ididbang mrs. henderson." "why did you stop?" "keep doing what you were doing in the car." "sorry. it's the eye of the tiger it's the thrill of the fight,rising up to the challenge of a rival,and the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night... carl!" "hi,cathy. is clark here?" "yeah!" "he's doing a puzzle the sun room." "how are you?" "great. can you just get clark,please?" "sure." "rising up,back on the streets did my time took my chances went the distance,now i'm back on my... here he comes." "carl,listen." "what the hell is wrong with you?" "!" "he's half your size!" "it's the eye of the tiger it's the thrill of the fight rising up to the challenge of a rival" "you!" "...of the tiger" "the eye of the tiger." "my nosstopped bleeding." "but i think i ruined my sock." "well,at least you got to punch clark clark." "you got your revenge." "man,i'm jealous." "that's got to feel pretty good,huh?" "actually,no." "i don't feel any different at all." "and you know why?" "'cause i'm not really mad at clark clark." "i'm mad at your mother." "that's who i should be getting revenge on." "dad,don't fight mom." "you already got your ass kicked by one woman today." "i'm not fighting your mother." "if i'm going to feel better,i ne real revenge." "an eye for an eye!" "i need to get laid!" "damn it. swear to god i used to be able to do this drunk when i was a kid." "stop eyeballing me,willie." "if you want this back,fork over the cash." "last night she took a shower,and she left it on the sink." "i tried to grab it for you, but it was staring at me and i got a little freaked out." "if she puts it down again,it's looking the other way i'll give it another shot." "i know it was wrong,i do, but it's not like he didn't push me there." "he was never home." "and when he was,well,let,let's just say your father does not know his way around a woman's body." "he's got two moves." "squeeze the charming and poke around down there like he's trying to pop a balloon." "yeah,that guy sure is terrible at touching moms." "hey,know what might make us feel better-- not talking about this stuff." "i mean,what do i have to do,draw him a map of my vagina?" "oops. i'll go get us more drinks." "okay." "i'm gonna tinkle." "randy,you look stressed." "what's the matter,punkin'?" "there words on the menu you're stuck on?" "if i tell you, you promise not to say anything?" "well,well,well." "fee,fi,fum,fo, i smell the stink of a stank-ass ho." "oh,god." "who's the cheatin' piece of trash strumpet who doesn't deserve to have the same last name as you now?" "that's right. i read your christmas letters." "leave me alone!" "i'm just saying we might've gotten along if we'd a own we both can't be satisfied by hickey men." "i am nothing like you!" "damn it,you got me with your heel!" "maybe i had one moment of weakness, butyou,you made cheating a lifestyle." "i love my husband." "he does the best he can." "great." "darnell,get me a rag!" "somebody kicked me in the face in the bathroom again!" "there she is." "if your mother thinks she's the only one with sexual options,she is mistaken." "once again,dad,i- i gotta say i'm a little conflicted about this." "next." "hello,brenda." "carl. i like your shirt." "well,according to you on numerous occasions, this color brings out the blue in my eyes." "makes 'em sparkle." "what can i do for you today?" "today... today i'd like to open a separate account, one that would be separate from my wife." "perhaps one that i could use to pay for dinner for two at casa de maison with somebody that likes... blue eyes?" "next." "oh,y-you can go." "i'm just watching my dad try to get laid." "look,uh... i'm sorry if i sent the wrong message, but i was just trying to be nice." "it's jt customer service." "with a face like that,who needs hair?" "so... just to be clear, you're,uh... not interested in... having sexual relations with me?" "no." "i'd like to close my account,please." "our first stop was a disaster, but dad assured me that the bank teller wasn't the only woman in town who flirted with him." "next." "hello,diana." "there mmyy ncaamrle.is e ar l i'd like a box of your largest condoms, ribbed for her pleasure, and when i say "her," i might just be talking about you." "...gotta go again." "take off my other sock." "dad said there was one other woman in town who flirted with him--the waitress at the diner." "so we headed over to give him one more chance." "you stay here. i think those other women would've been game if i hadn't had my son with me." "i think it creeped them out a little." "i wanted dad to feel better,but... i was hoping he wouldn't find a girl." "i was also hoping he didn't get hit again,'cause he was outta socks and i'd been wearing mine for a week." "she's coming out as soon as she freshens up." "i told i'm running across the street for condoms." "d- dad.dad!" "dad!" "wait." "we,we really should talk about this." "i- i don't know if i'm cool with this actually happening." "patty?" "hey,hey,earl." "when did you start working here?" "oh,a couple of months ago. i had to pick up a second job. my hooking took a bit of a hit when bush monkeyed with the daylight savings schedule." "i'll be needing these for use this evening with a young lady who delivers on the promises she makes with her eyes." "i thought you need the largest kind we had." "just ring it up,pecker tease." "listen,i just don't know that sex with a hooker's what my dad's looking for." "n- not that you're not great." "i've heard wonderful things." "thanks." "word of mouth is very important in my line of work." "it's right uthere with eye contact and concealing sores." "hello." "i see you met my son." "i just had to run across the street for a few personal items, anda little something for you." "thank you." "oh,they have nuts in them." "that's sweet,but some of my clientsave allergies so i need to keep this a peanut-free zone." "dad, patty's a hooker." "no. no,no,no,she's not." "she's a waitress. a waitress who flirts with me." "daytime hooker,nighttime waitress." "damn it!" "this was not how this was supposed to work." "it's not revenge sex if i have to pay for it!" "if you change your mind, sometimes i have coupons inthe penny saver it says "massage," but... i'm not changing my mind!" "alright,so the chicks didn't work t." "forget the chicks." "i say we go back to clark clark's, but this time we bring a bat." "we do it when his wife's at work." "why did she do this to me?" "why did she make me feel this way?" "there were two things i could've sworn i'd never see withy own eyes-- a real bear carrying a picnic basket, and my dad crying." "i was taught from a young age that hickey men don't cry." "don't cry,or i'll give you something to cry about." "and no matter what happened, he always made sure i nevesaw him shed a tear." "damn it." "earl,go get me my reading glasses." "i have to look for my fingertip." "whatever life dished out,he always remained strong." "well,my mom's dd." "pass the corn." "a funny thing happens when the man you look up to your whole life breaks his own rules and cries." "it finally givesyoupermission to." "everything with joy happened so long ago, but all this stuff with mom makes it hurt again." "that's what i'm afraid of." "it's never gonna go away." "so we cried." "together." "we even tried talking about how we felt, which was hard for mdad and the son he raised to ignore his feelings." "it's like someone took out my stomach." "i don't even know why." "stomped on it. that's what it feels like." "yeah,but not with a sneaker." "with something worse." "like a golf shoe." "i don't know golf shoes. are they heavy?" "no,but they got spikes on the bottoms." "oh,then,yeah,dad,that's what it feels like." "a golf shoe." "right." "and the more honest we were about how we felt, the more honest we became about everything." "if i just wouldn't've spent so much time at work." "no!" "do not blame yourself." "i will not stand here and let you blame yourself." "i'm not saying what they did wasn't wrong, but i will say they're not the only ones to blame." "okay,now you're bringing some stuff up i'm not sure i'm ready to hear." "after a whole night of crying, and more hugging than i'd like to admit, we discovered something unexpected." "i think i feel better." "me,too." "anger's a heavy burden to carry, but dad realized that revenge didn't make it any lighter." "forgiveness did." "and forgiveness lightened the burd of guilt,too." "and if it worked for mom and dad, maybe it could work for me,too." "joy." "i!" "forgive you for cheating on me." "good,'cause i'd do it again in a heartbeat." "now move,you're standing in my light." "forgiveness was a peaceful feeling." "i felt calm." "more focused." "i can't say if my words made joy feel the same, but i like to think it might have." "i did it!" "i did it!" "genius!" "and maybe by forgiving her,i showed her that there's room in your heart for things other than revenge." "that sometimes it's far better to give an eye than to take an eye. thank you."