"Erm..." "Wh..." "This is the entertainment committee for the home, innit?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Erm, we're planning a cabaret night." " Innit?" " Yeah." "We, erm..." "We used to get a professional act to come in and... and do, er... a show, but now we haven't got a budget for that, so..." "We can't afford it." "No." "But it doesn't matter, because we'll do it ourselves." "Do it ourselves, innit?" "Erm..." "Er, I'm doing my, erm, puppet act, my... what is it, my bem... what is it, bem... triquilism?" "Ventrilo..." "Ventricosilum, mate." "What?" "Ventricolism." "Ventriloquism." "What?" "Ventriloquism." "Ven..." "Ven-tricka-silum." "Should be good." "Duran Duran, film script from 1998, I wrote it." "How can we do a film?" " We'll make a play of the film." " Do a play of it." "Didn't get off the ground, this." "Why?" "Because it's who you know, mate." " Hang on, you've written all that?" " Yeah." " Have you?" " Yeah." "Hang on, you haven't written anything!" "I thought it was a full pad - you've done four or five pages!" "Have you written a film script, mate?" "You haven't!" "It's four or five pages here!" "It's hard work." "It's hard work, mate." "Bullet points." "Improvisation." "Hang on, get off - is that one of the bullet points, is it?" "What's that?" "A little knob with wings - is that a bullet point?" "Dickie bird." "When does that crop up in the Simon Le Bon life story?" "Dunno." "What else have you done here?" "Get off!" "You got it out!" "I'm allowed to have a look at it." "If you want to put it on, Kev, you've got to have your critics." "Ooh, there's a good one   what is going on there?" " It's my cousin." "What's he doing?" "Sucking his own knob - I documented it." " What is going on in your head?" " What's going on in his head?" "It's just shit, Kev, it's just scrawlings of a mad man." "Put that in the minutes." "Top of the bill." ""Duran Duran play, written and directed by Kevin Twine."" " And I'm going to play John Taylor, if you please." " And I'll play Duran Duran." "What?" "I'll play Duran Duran." "Duran Duran is the band - do you mean Simon Le Bon?" "Yeah, Simon The Bomb." "Simon Le Bon, not The Bomb." "Le Bon!" "Bloody hell!" "I know Simon Le Bon has let himself go a bit, but Christ, look at that!" "Take a look at that." "Casting." "I'll do that." "What, you'll do casting?" "Yeah, what is it?" " Why volunteer for stuff that you don't even know what it is?" " What is it?" "It means choosing who's going to play what." "Yeah, I'll do that." "Well, we've sorted that one out." "Yeah." " Right, we need wigs, we need costumes..." " Old ladies have got wigs here." "The boys did have horrendous haircuts." "And they used to wear blouses and leggings." "Get to it, mate." " I'll go through their wardrobes." " Go through their wardrobes." "Yeah." "The Play, coming soon." "And my ven-tri-qui... ism act." "Ven..." "Ventrileriler..." "Quisilism." " Ven-triter-quiter... ism." " Ventriloquism." " What?" " Ventriloquism." "Ven-tril..ismism." "What about a stag beetle and a... like, a frog, if it had a pair of pliers?" " Is that him now?" " Oh... yep." "We've got, erm, a bloke coming in to do community service today, so I have to go and sign him in." "I likes it when community service people start." "Interesting." "And then this is the main... room, really." "Yeah, erm, they said I could do, like, music therapy?" "Oh, brilliant!" "Yeah, but these lot ain't gonna like my shit." "Oh, they will, they'll love it." " This is Derek." " Hello." "This is Deon." "He's a musician." "What do you play?" "Mmm?" "Oh, my voice is my instrument." "Split wires, innit?" "What?" "I rap." "Will Smith." "No, more like 2Pac." "Two what?" "Pac." "Razors." "This is the worst gig ever, man." "Feels like a nightmare, man." "You just wait till you have to change their bed pans!" "Yeah." "Don't throw away my tadpoles." "I'm going to show him round." "Yeah, introduce him." "Right." "See you later." "Sya." "Joan, Prem..." "What is it, Deon?" "Deon, yeah." "Yeah, he's fit, yeah!" "Yeah, I'd hit it." "Nothing serious" " I don't want to get married or nothing, but..." "Yeah, a black kid would be nice, though." "Especially as most of my family have got ginger kids." "Ain't got nothing against ginger people, it's just... there is a lot of prejudice against them in society, do you know what I mean?" "You know, er..." "You know all this silliness about blacks and whites being different and all that?" "Bullshit, innit?" "I mean, we all create the same semen." "Yeah, that is true, technically." "I produce a beaker-load a week, mate." " Blacks and whites unite." " Nnn..." "And Chinkies." "This is where he is, look." "Douglas!" "What?" "Meet Deon." "He's started working here - community service work." "This is Douglas." "He's the caretaker and he fixes stuff." "What are you fixing?" "DVD." "DVD's got stuck." "He does all that, don't ya?" " Do it all, yeah." " What else do you do?" " Do it all, yeah." "Whatever needs doing." " Yeah." "It's my job description - if it needs doing, do it." "You... you don't live in here, do you?" "I spend most of my time in here, yeah, if I can." "Why?" " What, what...?" " No, it's cool, man, it's just... different world for me - I'm used to, like, being on stages, doing my rap and all of that." "But that doesn't get all the problems sorted in the world, does it, standing on stage?" "No, bruv, you can change the world with lyrics." " No, you can't." " No, you can, man." "What... what song, what lyrics changed the world?" "Do the lyrics." "Do some lyrics." " Er, all right..." " The lesson is incession." "You want to do a white man's oppression?" "Click, click, bang!" "My suggestion..." " What's all that about?" " No, not..." "I didn't hear any of that, I don't know what you were going on about." "I was just, you know..." "Do you know Neil Diamond, I Am..." "I Said?" "He says there's too many singers, don't you?" " There's too many!" " Yeah, but I'm not like... no-one else, do you get me?" "Everybody says that, though." "That's what everybody says on X Factor, Britain's Got Talent." ""I'm different." No, you're not - you're the same as the other knobhead who was just on." "Get a trade." "Makes me laugh." "They send them here as punishment." "Hilarious, isn't it?" "He does something wrong and they send them here." "What have I done?" "I've been here ten years." "Why are you here?" "Why do you think?" "I don't know." "It's cos of the racism inherent in society, isn't it?" "Is it?" "No..." "What did you do?" "The police followed me through a shopping centre and arrested me for stealing some trainers." "What, and you hadn't stolen the trainers?" "That's neither here nor there - if they weren't following I wouldn't have been arrested, would I?" "No." "But did you steal the trainers?" "They followed me assuming that I would steal something cos I was black." "And then you stole the trainers?" "We all make mistakes." "You're nice, though, anyway." "How do you know that?" "I can tell." "Joan says sometimes good people do bad things so give 'em a second chance." "Wait, who is Joan?" "Old lady what lived here." "But she died." "She was wise cos she lived a long time so she knew lots of stuff, and she told me it." "And it upsets me just thinking about her because I..." "I loved her so much." "Sorry, bruv." "I knew you was nice." "Curly." "Yeah." "Yeah, I'm black." "Whatever." "I loves Deon." "He's a rapper, probably on Top of the Pops or something, you know?" "He made a mistake where he took some trainers cos he didn't have any money and he wanted them, like, Ј100 or something, but he won't do it again." "I said, "Do you want my trainers?"" "He went "No, you're all right, bruv" and that's the way he talks." "When he's a pop star he can have all the trainers he wants anyway." "So... why are you in here, then?" "Nicked some shoes." "Shut up." "I nick shoes!" "Well, no, I did nick shoes." "Yeah, you responsible now, yeah?" "Well, things to do." "So, is that like your uniform then?" "Yeah, keeps your clothes clean." "No, it's cool like, you know." "You look kind of look like a nurse." "But not..." "Not NHS, you know what I'm saying?" "Like BUPA, do you know what I mean?" "Like, I picture you, like, coming into like a plush room, grapes and that." "Sky Sports, you get me?" "Thanks." "So was you, like, in the riots and that?" "I was masked up, you wouldn't recognise me, do you know what I mean, but?" "'He's nice, yeah he's good.'" "He's got a lot of front, but, you know, he's about as gangster as Elmo, but he's a good bloke." "I mean, he might not let on he's a good bloke, but he is." "It's all right, man." "I mean..." "One thing the camera can't pick up is, like, the smell." "It smells like Oxfam in there." "But, you know, it could be worse." "It could be prison, right?" "And like I've got none of that physical threat here," "I'm grateful for that." "You know, like," "I could beat up anyone in here." "I'm supposed to do, like, a meet and greet, innit?" "So greetings." "Oh, well, it's lovely to see you, I hope you're very happy here." "Would you mind going round and asking everyone if they fancy a cup of tea, and maybe having a bit of a chat with one or two of them, just cos it would be nice?" "What do you mean chat, though?" "Well, like a bit of conversation." "Yeah, but I don't think I'm ready." "Coloured boy." "A lovely coloured boy." "Are you all right, darling?" "How are you doing?" "Little coloured boy, yeah, lovely." "Do you want a cup of tea?" "Do I?" "Come on, Lizzie, come and have a sit down." "Fancy a cup of tea?" "Yeah?" "Shall we get a chair then?" "Deon, hey, we're having a cabaret Saturday here and I'm in charge of casting, so do you want to be in Duran Duran?" " Derek?" " What?" "There were no black people in Duran Duran." "Think." "Well, do you want to do your own rap or something?" "I don't think so, bruv." "No?" "The offer's open." "No, I don't think so." "Yeah, I know there wasn't, but we got wigs." "Wigs and clothes and that for Duran Duran." "On a mission, on a mission." "Off the ladies." "Now that is John Taylor, is that John Taylor or what?" "Can I borrow that?" "Yeah, be careful with it though, that's, like, my best thing." "I'll have that as well." "Same pout, same expression, it's like Nick Rhodes' head on your desk, we'll have that." "Ta-ta." "Knickers?" "Do you want to be, um..." "Who is the drummer?" "Roger Taylor, mate!" "Yeah, do you want to be Roger Taylor?" " Who?" " Roger Taylor." "Who's he?" "The drummer, you just have to sit behind the drums." "Me?" "I don't do the drums." "No, no, no." "Just have to, you can be him, right?" "Do you want to be...?" "Whatever, whatever." "Excellent." "This is easy." "What are you?" "John Taylor, mate." "I'm Duran Duran." "You're not Duran Duran, you're Simon Le Bon." "Duran Duran is the band." "Simon Le Bon." "Right we've cast them, now let's get..." "Got to get more costumes." "That's all right, innit?" "Who's he again?" "This is embarrassing." "Roger Taylor." "Roger Ta..." "I'm actually going to take my name off this production." "Nick Rhodes, generally considered to be one of the world's most beautiful men." "Check that out." "It's a chicken on a keyboard." "What else do we need?" "Guitars." "I can't do it up." "Don't worry about it, it won't make any difference." "It won't make any difference." "Look at the fella on the keyboard." "Well, we look a bit odd, don't we?" "Just a little bit." "The thing is, it's not that odd, is it?" "The Rolling Stones are still touring." "'Do you know what?" "I'll be honest with you, yeah, 'like, when I first walked in here it was nothing but, like,' dread and concern that I was actually thinking, you know what?" "Take me to flipping prison, bruv, take me to prison, right?" "But actually now I'm thinking that's a dumb thing because, like, my eyes have been opened to one or two things that have made me think." "Do you know what I'm saying, like?" "Like, for example, like, I could roll back into the Ns, right?" "I could roll back into the hood with, like, Arthur and say hello, people would be like, "Bruv, what happened to your clip?"" "Do you know what I'm saying?" "Like what did you... "Why are you rolling with roadkill?" or whatnot." "And I'd be like, bruv, hold up, yeah?" "Because you always talking about our man went through this and that." "Like, man took a scar or a bullet for this, that, and I thought, bruv, hold up both of these two, like, they've been in a actual war." "Like, not a rap lyric war, bruv, not a couplet about like some shit you went through outside Chicken George," "I'm talking about, like, straight up and down, like, man fought for man's freedom." "Do you know what I'm saying?" "Right, if wasn't for them would you even be here wearing them trainers, sitting on that wall talking some froth that you're talking right now?" "Probably not." "Do you know what I'm saying?" "I can only feel the tension in the air in that room." "Yeah." "How many of them have you had?" "Trying to curb the high, mate." "Gotta stay relaxed." "Don't want 'em smelling my fear." "Smelling your fear?" "Yeah." "Over your breath?" "Having a laugh, aren't you?" "Having a beer, baby." "Show time." "I'm going to, he's going to introduce me, I'm doing my ventribolism." "Vent..." "Tricopism-lism." "Tri..." "Trin-trickercism." "Jesus." "Show time, mate." "Show time." "Yeah." "All right." "Good evening." "Good evening." "Broad Hill Nursing Home, thanks for coming." "Thanks for coming?" "As if they've got any choice in the matter." "They're not going anywhere." "Have some fun?" "Yeah, set the roof off the place, yeah?" "Yes." "Yeah?" "OK, what we've got coming up, I'm going to do some jokes, then we've got Derek and Poppy and then, er..." "Joe's going to do some stuff." "We're going to be doing a Duran Duran thing," "I wrote it in the late '90s, a little play." "Excited?" "Yes." "Do you want a joke?" "Yes." "Yeah." "What's got two legs and bleeds?" "Don't know." "Half a dog." "And again." "All right, now for the first act of the evening," "I didn't want him to do it, he can't do it, he's rubbish at it, but don't take my word for it, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage, Derek and Poppy." "Yeah!" "Woo!" "He's just using it as a glove." "This is Poppy, Derek." "Jesus Christ." "Bit of..." "Tricolism." "Hello, Poppy." "Hello, Derek." "What have you been doing?" "I've been eating a carrot, or summat." "No voice?" "What?" "No voice." "Listen..." "What else you been eating?" "Another carrot." "Where you been eating them?" "In me hutch in the garden." "One of the worst stories I've ever heard." "I haven't finished." "Right, then what happened?" "I just had a poo and that..." "like, little nugget poos comes out." "This is crap." "Who likes impressions?" "Yes, yes." "He's dying on his arse." "What's this?" "I will exterminate you." "Dalek." "Stephen Hawking." "Yeah." "Everybody knows Stephen Hawking ain't a Dalek, Dougie." "Not now." "What?" "Not now." "That's it for now." "Let's hear it for Poppy." "Awful, everybody." "Right, welcome to the stage, Joe." "And then we've got Boys On Film, I wrote it." "♪ You must have been a beautiful baby" "♪ You must have been a wonderful child... ♪" "♪ When you were only starting to go to kindergarten... ♪" "We've got to change." "Quick." "♪ I bet you drove the other kids wild... ♪" "Duran Duran now." "What?" "I can't do this..." "Why not?" "I don't feel very well." "Oh, God." "Dougie, he doesn't feel very well." "Do you not?" "No, so you'll have to do it." "I'm not doing it." "Please." "I'm not doing it." "Come on, quick, please." "It's nothing to do with me." "We've gotta go on..." "I built the entire set." "No, I'm not doing it, it's not for me." "..please..." "Why's it always me brought in to sort shit out?" "I had nothing to do with this." "Please." "I used to think I was quite cool." "I can't be, can I?" "This is me life, these are me mates." "I used to think they're the daft ones, but I'm the daft one." "I'm the daft one cos they come up with all these daft ideas and it's me who gets dragged in, every time," "It's me on the end of it..." "Sorting out shit all the time." "It's me on the M25 in a broken down van full of old people with wind problems after having a bad curry." "It's me sticking me hand down a u-bend, getting out an old pair of tights." "It's me feeling sick, because I've breathing in turps all day rubbing off twat off a crab." "You've never heard that sentence before, have you?" "Please welcome Duran Duran." "This is the Duran Duran..." "Did you see Dougie?" "Play, innit?" "It's when they started and how they met and this is a true story, innit?" "Yeah." "And we got some songs what they did." "Yeah." "And they did it for real." "It wasn't in an old people's home where they met, so just pretend this is Birmingham." "It was olden days, like 1780." "No, not 1780." "What was it?" "1980." "1980." "Right, this is how we met." "Hello." "Hello." "I'm Duran Duran." "You're not." "Duran Duran is the name of the band." "Right." "You're Simon Le Bon." "Yeah, hello, I'm Simon Le Bon." "Do you wanna start a band?" "Yes." "Duran Duran probably." "As soon as." "OK." "Cup of tea." "Oh, thank you." "What the fuck is going on?" "Have you got any biscuits?" "I don't think so." "Yeah, bring some biscuits." "Sing it, sing the lyrics." "I don't know the lyrics." "It's not a ghost!" "The lyrics." "I don't know them." "Well, why didn't you read the script, you prat?" "Sing it." "And that was Duran Duran." "Embarrassing." "Thank you." "We nailed it." "There is nothing funny about Duran Duran, Derek." "They're laughing at us." "Don't matter why they're laughing." "More!" "More!" "'I never minds when old people are laughing, 'just as long as they are laughing.'" "It makes me laugh." "Makes me happy." "Even if they're laughing at something what I've done, like, sat in some rhubarb crumble, do you remember that?" "I likes them being happy." "They ain't got long, so... every... every minute is important." "I just wants them to be happy all the time." "Do you think I could go on Britain's Got Talent?" "Oh, I don't see why not, yeah." "Dion, hello." "Hiya." "Have I missed the show?" "Yeah, we did Duran Duran and everything." "It was incredible." "You don't still want me to perform?" "Yeah, you got a song?" "Yeah, I can..." "Yeah, definitely." "Oh, cool." "Everybody, Dion's going to sing a song for us now." "All right, yeah, just a little something I wrote for you lot, yeah." "All right, this is going out to all of you, yeah?" "Arthur, my OG..." "Yeah?" "Say though, stay awake for this one, yeah?" "All right this is how it's going to go." "Check this out." "♪ Yo" "♪ My first thoughts when I stepped through those doors was great" "♪ I always wanted to work next to a corpse" "♪ Like if you ever said go hang with some old gran" "♪ I'd say, no thanks I don't even like my own nan" "♪ I just figured these lot have piddled in their seats" "♪ That they all love Richard Keys and they're riddled with disease" "♪ So quiet that they sound dead" "♪ I mean how much care's taken by that caretaker with the round head?" "♪ Like if you choked on a letter from your scrabble set" "♪ He might save you if he's like, wait, is that an 'X?" "♪ That's why I give a bit of credit to the little fellah Derek" "♪ Cos he showed me oldies gotta lot of merit" "♪ And that they ain't all heirlooms and bare gloom" "♪ And trouser smells that linger in your spare room" "♪ Doing my time in this place I thought I'd hate it" "♪ But now I'm here, you know what?" "Still hate it" "♪ But I made it and I hate it with the greatest respect to the aged" "♪ I came from a place with no thoughts of ageing" "♪ Where life is a game with a makeshift playlist" "♪ That plays all the same shit" "♪ So what I'm saying is it's an eye-opener" "♪ Meeting you even the one who's a bit of thigh-stroker" "♪ So now I hope to take a long look at myself" "♪ But, bruv, this ain't like Oprah" "♪ I ain't gonna start jumping on my sofa" "♪ I'm just saying I might look my life over" "♪ Now I normally bump fists but let's shake hands" "♪ I ain't a changed man I just wanna say thanks. ♪" "It was nice to meet you all, yeah." "Thank you." "You were brilliant." "No, you're brilliant, bruv."