"Happy birthday." "Oh, my God!" "Cameron is Vince's boyfriend." "Says he shags like a rabbit." "He's bought him a car!" "He's perfect." "Is that the girl from work?" "You're a dirty little poof." "Christ, mate, you're such a bastard." "That's it." "We're going." "* Celebrate good times, come on!" "*" "That's a big push you gave him." "Keys are on the table." "He doesn't want them back." "Bastard!" "Get inside." "The moment she marries him, your child will have a new father." "The lesbian letters." "They'll make the Home Office see things in a very different light." "I send them, she's gonna hate me." "I could do it." "The letters, I could send them." "Do you think I look lesbian?" "The Home Office always deals with fake weddings." "Maybe they can tell." " What time are they coming?" " Half three." "Lance is climbing the wall." "It's probably just routine." " Yeah." " Anyway, thanks for the lift." "Now, you look after your mother, big fella." "See ya." "You might want to check out the Sahara." "It's more robust." "I'm thinking family man." " I like this one." " Just think Sahara." "It's more expensive but the Sport, you get a lot of gay guys buying this one." "OK, they're cutting edge." "But a man like yourself, I'm thinking image." " I like this one." " Those lads - money to burn." "Then they die young so we get the resale value." "Take it for a spin and sign this when you get back." "(Engine revving)" "Where do I sign?" "I'm back." "Have you missed me?" " How was Scotland?" " Scottish." "So, er, what's the news, Mr Tyler, sir?" "Refrigeration's gonna close." "Ten jobs gone." "Not shop news, I don't want shop news." "I want news." "Jill, Rosalie..." " Steady the buffers, she's back!" " Hiya!" "How you doin'?" "(Rosalie) No." "(Marcie) You must have." "(Rosalie) He did, cos I was watching." "It was revolting!" " Vince?" "!" " (Laughter)" "Wilfred Owen was shot dead on the 4th of November, 1918, just seven days before the armistice." "Thing is, sir, he was queer, Wilfred Owen." "Says so in the front." "You can't teach us about poofs." "You're not allowed." "Thank you, it's got nothing to do with his poetry." "Though no doubt he found lots to do in the trenches other than fight." "Sir, they all said, "Here comes Owen!" "Backs to the wall!"" "Thank you, Christian." "Now, if you could look at the preface of 1918 " ""My subject is war, the pity of war, the poetry is in the pity."" "Cos I can leave." "As soon as I'm 16, I'm leaving." "If me and Dazz get that flat, I'll get a job in the Village." "I'll get bar work." "They never ask your age, Dazz said." "He left school, he told them to stuff it." "You can report teachers for that." "Have a good look, then!" " What was that about?" " Nothing." " Was he looking at me?" " It's not always you." "Did I tell you?" "Gary's moved in." "Mum asked him last week." "Moved in weekend." "Like you care." "It's all Nathan and Dazz." "Dazz and the flat and the Village." "Me, I could be bleeding from the eyes." "Sorry." "So, how's it going?" "Me mum's happy." "You should hear 'em at night." "He keeps walking out the bathroom naked." " (Phone)" " Drove it straight through the window!" "They've been shouting all sorts." ""We're suing for damages." "Put me through to Mr Burton."" " What did Burton say?" " He said, "Fuck them."" "He did." "He said, "We'll counter sue and we'll tell the papers what your man said." ""You're up against a PR company now."" "Lisa Levine, says it's urgent." " What's happening?" " They arrived early, just walked in." "No smiles, no tea, straight down to business." "It's looking good." "Hang on, I'll get you on the mobile." "Sandra, cancel everything this afternoon." " I'm going out." " Where?" "Ram raiding?" "Hey, get me a stereo." "So, what have they said?" "It's confidential." "They asked me to leave." "Lance said I'm the baby-sitter." "Hold on." "So have they got the letters?" " They've got something..." "Oh, yes." " 'What's happening?" "'" "What the fuck's happening?" "Lisa!" "That's it." "Come on, Lance." "'Jesus Christ, you stupid dyke, tell me what's happening!" "'" "(Gasps) Fantastic!" "Lisa?" "Lisa!" "(Romey) He's gone through all the official channels." "Was it you?" " Was it you?" " What?" "I got this for Alfred." " Someone told them, Stuart, was it you?" " Told them what?" " It's a mistake..." " (Lisa) Quite a temper, our Lance." "Punched the man from the Home Office, then punched the arresting officer." "I think his visa application is officially null and void." " Lisa, go with him." "He'll need a solicitor." " I can't, I'm involved." " He needs you!" " I'll phone the office." "Of course it was you!" "You never liked him, never wanted him in that house." " I don't know what you're talking about." " They knew the wedding was a fake." "They had my things from the house." "Mr Jordan, who told you?" "Who gave you the letters?" "I'm not allowed to say - but if you see Nathan Maloney, tell him thanks a bunch." "Nathan?" "(Mobile phone)" "Hello?" "It was your tie." "There was a man on Changing Rooms last night wearing the same tie." "We were laughing at your tie." "I haven't said anything, in case you're wondering." "But if you're ashamed, then it's up to you." " I'm not ashamed." " You're not exactly proud, Vince." "Carter sent this." "He wants it back Monday." "Yeah." "Thanks." "It's not that bad." "Your tie." "Yeah." "It didn't cost much." "Bargain." "I got it from..." "Hazel!" "We've got lesbians." "And I'm out of herbal tea." "Nathan!" "You treat that baby like a toy, like you don't care." "And Lance?" "Lance'd take over." "He'd be dad and you'd say nothing." "But I know what you're like." "You love him and you'd never say, so I said it for you." " Lance is going to be deported." " I don't care!" "Jesus Christ." "I don't give a toss about Lance." "Look at all I've done - left my family," " left Donna, just for you." " Keeps going back to you, Stuart." " How was I to know?" " It's all your fault cos you just shag!" "You keep going every night and you never look back." "Look at what you've done, look at him." "I didn't know, Romey." "If I'd known, I'd have..." "I don't know." "And I chose you as the father." "You chose Lance as the husband and look at him." "Slightest trouble, out with the fists." "Do you want a man like that living with your kid?" "Maybe not." " You all right, then, stranger?" " Yeah." "Thanks for that." "I just..." "I dunno." "Keep waiting for the punch line." "No, I'm not complaining." "I like art." "I'm good at art." "Those pictures of dogs playing poker, I love 'em." "Magic Eye pictures, fantastic." "I saw one once, it was a duck." "You looked for long enough and there was a duck." "Brilliant." "Worth millions." "I've just got to stay for the speech." "No, fine." "Me and art, we're like that." "Art Garfunkel." "Bright Eyes, burning like fire." "Now, there's a film." "Apparently, those rabbits weren't real." "Fooled me." " All right, let's go." " Don't be daft." "I can be in the same room." "Stuart." "We could go to Canal Street." " What, and then go back to yours?" " Sure." " Mariner's Court, yeah?" " Mm." "I've been there." "Must have made a big impression." "Oh, right!" "Right, yeah." "Course you have, yeah." "Nice to see you again." "Listen, what?" "Do you wanna go?" "Do you wanna, er..." " Let's go and have a drink." " Forget it." " Let's go back to mine." " Just fuck off, OK?" "Come on, I bet I was good." "I said fuck off." "Now, what part of that don't you understand?" "Pathetic." "Let's get a cab." "(Vince) He's all bloody image." "We were in Babylon once, off our heads, Alexander's going mental." "So we ended up dancing on a podium, you know, like twats." "We looked stupid, so what?" "But Stuart, he just walks away like we're dirt." " I got those brochures for Australia." " Oh, right." "Yeah, great." "Expensive." " I'll pay." " Yeah." "Well, we'll see." "And this bloke at Mardi Gras, right?" "Stuart's been out all weekend, he's had ketamine and God knows what." "He sees this bloke, he says, "I'm having him."" "I love you." "Right, do you want sex?" "I suppose I owe you a favour." "Come on." "I didn't do it for a shag." "Nathan, it's all I've got to offer." "How many men's had sex in here?" "Twenty-seven... million." "I was just on tap." "You don't even like me." " You're not so bad." " Really?" "Well, let's just say you're not the twat I thought you were." "Is that all?" "That's all." "Yeah, well." "One day." "Oh, yeah." "Ten years' time, I'll be pushing 40, you'll be 25." "Jesus!" "I can wait." "I'm off." "I've got school." "Have a coffee." " What for?" " I don't know." "What does anyone ever have coffee for?" "It's just coffee." "I'd better go." " We could watch a video." " Not porn." "It's not always porn." " Stay for a bit." " Do you want me to?" " Do you want me to stay?" " I don't mind." "Do you really want me to stay?" "Yeah." "Who'd have thought?" "Stuart Alan Jones, begging me to stay." "If you think that's begging, you'd better never find yourself homeless." "* But when the morning comes" "* Don't say you love me" "* Don't say you need me" "* I really don't think that's fair" "* Boy, I'm not so dumb... *" "I'm gonna be late." "Where's that folder, the blue folder?" "Shit." "The traffic this time of day." "Right." "I'm off." "You all right?" "You've got the keys." "Careful with the door, it needs pulling." "See you." " You don't have to say anything back." " Yeah." "God, I'm late." "The door needs pulling." "I've said that, haven't I?" "Bye!" "(Mobile phone)" " What?" " Thought I'd better say thanks." "For K-9." "I mean, he's great and I know the circumstances were a bit sort of..." "'Well, he's great." "Or it's great." "Whatever.'" "He." "I think Tom Baker says "he"." "So... thanks." "Any time." "Better go." "(Rings)" "What are you doing for lunch?" "Rosalie won't say anything but I've still got to look at her." "I've got to spend every day telling her what to do and..." " How's Cameron?" " He's great, yeah." "Wants me to go on holiday." "Melbourne." "Sounds good." "Poor sod." "Give him six months, he'll be able to name all the Doctor Whos in order." "William Hartnell, Patrick Troughton, Jon Pertwee, Tom Baker," "Peter Davison, Colin Baker, Sylvester McCoy." "What about Paul McGann?" "(Both) Paul McGann doesn't count." "It's all right, though." "Me and Cameron." "It's OK." "It's a bit of a love job, actually." "Says he loves me." "How's things with you?" "How's Alfred?" "It pisses me off, though." "First one to say love, he's in charge, puts him in charge." "I don't know." "It's all a bit grown-up." "You're supposed to ask if I love him." "You can't." "You can't even respect him." "He loves Vince Tyler so that makes him stupid." "The moment he said it, it all just died." "No." "It's nothing like that." "Me, though?" "I can't be the best shag he's ever had." "He's Australian." "I don't even know if I'm a good kisser." "How do you know if you're a good kisser?" "You just know." "Fuck off." " It's not as if I've ever done anything." " You've done nothing." "You go to work, you go for a drink, you watch cheap science fiction." "Small and tiny world." "What's impressive about that?" "What is there to love?" "Yeah." "It was good enough for me." "I'm late." "I've gotta go." "Tell him what you like." "You're in charge, not him." "Tell him, er..." "Tell him he's lucky." "I'll see you around." " We could do this again." " Do you think?" "Just lunch." "No harm in it." "Nah." "Sorry, Vince, but my world is huge." "Do you think Hazel will let me stay?" "Not permanent, just tonight." "Gary's got his mates round." "It's like a bomb's hit Chester Zoo." "Police cars, broken legs, lesbians screaming," "Lance shipped out the country - your mother had a front-row seat!" " You never said." " I don't see you any more." "No, you're Mr Grown-Up now, it's all dinner for two." "Don't worry about us, we're still here, still having a laugh." "Now, don't say that about Cameron, I think he's lovely." "That's not fair, he's a very nice man!" "Hiya, I was just coming round." " You're on form!" " When am I not?" "There you go." "Don't look." "By the pillar, it's Christian Hobbs." " Who's he with?" " That's Cathy Mott." "He's done all right." "She's top of the list, Year 12." " What are they doing here, though?" " He's out to impress." "Canal Street, it's New York to Year 12." "Like he's so cool." "Tosser!" "(* Karaoke:" "Should I Stay Or Should I Go?" ")" "I had to see Hazel, I owed her a tenner." "I thought you'd go to ground." "My fault." "I always get a bit heavy." "* And if I stay it will be double" "* So you gotta let me know... *" "He smiled at me!" "The bastard smiled at me!" " Do you want to go?" " What's the point of staying here?" "* And if I stay it will be double... *" " Coming, then?" " What, like I've been driven out?" "What's this place for, Donna?" "What's it for?" "So I'm stood in Battersea Power Station in nothing but me Tommy Hilfiger pants when he comes back in." "Oh, blimey!" "It's little Jimmy Osmond!" "Settle down, here's a lad wants a go." "Come on, give him a chance." "(* I Should Be So Lucky)" "Cos I just wanted to say..." "Cos that boy over there." "Checked shirt, white T-shirt, with the blonde girl, him." "I'm in school with him." "His name is Christian Hobbs." "And Christian Hobbs, do you know what he does?" "He finds a boy, and if that boy's a bit quiet, if he's a bit different," "Christian Hobbs kicks his head in and he calls him queer." "That boy there." "He beats us up cos we're queer." "Plenty more I could have said, Christian." "And that's a favour." "Oi, sonny Jim, that's your cue." "Now, fuck off out." "Piss off." "I think that's what they call the public service announcement!" "We've had a party!" "He's here!" "He's queer!" "I'm buyin' him a beer!" "Hazel, I was thinking, it's been great and I hope you don't mind but I think I might move back home." "Bugger it, that's the rent money gone!" "Ooh, look at me, I'm filling up, I'm moist." "Can I have his room?" "You're dancing, you are!" "(* Ultra Nate:" "Found A Cure)" "* Na-na-na-na, na na na... *" "Shake a leg, Bernie, let's show 'em!" "* Feels like I'm going crazy * Na-na-na-na" "* Feels like I'm going insane * Na-na-na-na" "* Na-na-na-na... *" "See those two?" "That's us in 40 years!" "That's me with the moustache!" "* Feels like I'm going insane... *" "Fifteen." "(Both) Yeah." "Bastard." "* Feels like I'm going crazy * Na-na-na-na" "* Feels like I'm going insane * Na-na-na-na... *" "Marcie, can you take that to wages?" " What did your last slave die of?" " A good beating." "It's for Simon Carter." "Do you know him?" "Black hair, sort of Fox Mulder look." "He's got the best arse in this shop." "Will you put in a good word for me?" "I've always fancied him." "Run along." " Someone had to get the flags out!" " That's France, though." "It's all we had." "It came with the cheese." "See you later." "Maybe tomorrow." "You've seen enough of him, it's my turn." "Donna!" "You left that bloody door open!" "I'm still gonna go out, to the Village." "Not on school nights you're not." "And I'm not gonna change." "You know that, don't you?" "Cos it isn't a phase." "I'm not gonna grow out of it." "I'm gonna be gay forever." "You've made your mind up." "It's obvious there's no stopping you." "It's Helen I'm worried about." "She's ten years old." "She's a child." "I don't want her head filled with notions." "Like what?" "As far as Helen's concerned, the anus is for shit." "Got that?" "Knock, knock." "Your sister's been saying..." "No." "She's not in her room." "Me bloody wallet's gone." " Will that get us to London?" " Should do." "Are you coming?" "This had better be good." "(Nathan) Get in." "* Deeper love, I've got a deeper love" "* Deeper love, I've got a deeper love" "* Deeper love, I've got a deeper love" "* Deeper love, I've got a deeper love... *" "Hello, sugarface, you all right?" "My world's so fucking huge!" "Yeah." "I know I'm late but I had to buy them a drink at work." " (Cameron) 'Never mind them.' - (Door creaks)" "Christ!" "You heard the door on this?" "I'll get it fixed." "Get a move on or we'll lose the table." " (Creaking)" " Listen to that." "'I know." "Just leave it, just hurry up.'" "I'll get Bernie to fix it." "'I wouldn't trust Bernie." "I'll take it to the garage.'" " I'll do it." " Like you'll fix the door in your flat?" "I will." "'Lt's like waiting for a kid to tidy his room." "I paid for the thing, I'll take charge.'" "Vince?" "Are you there?" "'Vince?" "Are you still there?" "'" "How many Doctor Whos can you name?" "'What do you mean?" "'" "All the actors who played Doctor Who." "Name them." " 'I don't know.'" " Just try." "'Well..." "Jon Pertwee, Tom Baker, um... '" " Is that it?" " 'What does it matter?" "'" "Any more?" " 'Er, the bloke with white hair.'" " William Hartnell." "Any more?" "'The vet." "What the hell does it matter?" "'Vince?" "'" "Sorry?" "What?" "It's breaking up." "We're breaking up." "Sorry." "* Santa Maria" "* Rhyme to the rhythm, come on feel the rhythm" "* It's a rhythm, a rhyme that rocks the whole time" "* Santa Maria" "* And I only want to be with you, baby" "* Yes, you know it's gonna be heaven here with me... *" "Taxi!" "Taxi!" "* Santa Maria" "* Rhyme to the rhythm, come on feel the rhythm" "* It's a rhythm, a rhyme that rocks the whole time... *" "Taxi!" " Big Issue?" " Yes, it is." "Unrequited love, it's fantastic cos it never has to change, it never has to grow up and it never has to die!" "* Santa Maria" "* Rhyme to the rhythm, come on feel the rhythm" "* It's a rhythm, a rhyme that rocks the whole time... *" "Taxi!" "(* The Weather Girls:" "It's Raining Men)" "(inaudible)" "* Humidity is rising" "* Barometer's getting low" "* According to all sources" "* The street's the place to go" "* Cos tonight for the first time" "* Just about half past ten" "* For the first time in history" "* It's gonna start raining men" "* It's raining men" "* Hallelujah!" "It's raining men" "* Amen" "* I'm gonna go out, I'm gonna let myself get" "* Absolutely soaking wet" "* It's raining men" "* Hallelujah!" "It's raining men" "* Every specimen" "* Tall, blond, dark and lean" "* Rough and tough and strong and mean" "* God bless Mother Nature" "* She's a single woman too" "* She took over heaven... *"