"(quacks)" "CHARLES:" "Mail call!" "Dad got a package." "(karate yell)" "Hmm." "A videotape in a plain brown wrapper." "(gleeful chuckling)" "From the boys' school!" "Willkommen, bienvenue, und also..." "(chuckles) ...howdy." "I'm Dr. Bud von Löwenbräu, school psychologist with an urgent message about Ajax, Charles und Zamboni." "You'd at least think he could get their names right." "Which one did he miss?" "Enough with the chitten-chatten." "They are becoming disruptive, displaying antisocial behavior in the class." "Simply put, your kinder are developmentally immature." "Nobody calls my kinder immature without getting their house TP'd." "Mein advice-- a live-in tutor to attempt to bring their development up to that of children whose parents are actually caring about them." "Danke schon." "(doorbell buzzes)" "(coughs)" "(doorbell buzzes)" "Mmm... (doorbell buzzes)" "(slurping)" "(doorbell buzzes)" "* Ooh!" "*" "(doorbell buzzes)" "What was wrong with that one?" "Duckman, he was wearing an "I Heart Satan" T-shirt." "Bernice, I'm shocked." "Discriminating on the basis of religion." "(chicken clucking)" "Once he finishes sacrificing that chicken, he could sue." "(knocking)" "Hello." "You are looking for tutor?" "Ya-ho!" "Ho!" "You bet your French roll in the hay we..." "Uh..." "I mean, oui, oui." "Ah, bien." "I could not read the address because of the smeared chicken entrails." "I am liking to apply for the position." "Actually, there's quite a few positions we could talk about." "Let me grab my kamasutra." "Ow!" "I'm Bernice and this is Duckman." "Bernice..." "Monsieur Homme de Canard, je suis Regine Poulet." "So..." "Regine, what's your educational background?" "I have a doctorate in education from la Sorbonne." "You know..." "If this ends in a sore bone joke, it'll cost you three broken ribs." "Never mind." "If you are hesitant, you need only try me for one afternoon." "I can start with the pet." "Here, nice doggy, doggy." "Play dead, gecko." "(playing "Taps")" "Heel, gecko." "Solve, gecko." "Wow." "And that's TV Guide." "Impressive, but the real problem is Charles and Mambo." "Lately, they just won't do a thing they're told." "Oh, madame, I become erect with pride for a challenge." "Very good, Charles." "Cadmium is the only element to fit the formula for a fusion reaction in an inert metal." "Excellent, Mambo." "Synecdoche is the figure of speech by which the name of a material is substituted for the actual thing it makes." "Splendide, Ajax." "It is the pointy end that writes." "I must say, Regine, I like what I see." "(clears throat)" "Boys, show Regine to your father's room." "BOYS:" "All right!" "My room?" "!" "Ho, ho!" "I lay odds, I'm going to lay more than odds." "(grunts)" "Excuse me, Bernice." "Today's menu calls for a little French dip." "Listen up, you walking spermatozoa!" "As long as she's in this house, you sleep on the couch, and that's only because there's no more room under the freeway." "Go near her for any reason other than genuine interest in the boys, and you'll be sorry!" "(fake moaning)" "I'm shaken." "Do your worst!" "By the way, what's in the box?" "My worst." "In here are just some of the disgusting items you have accumulated in a lifetime of depraved debauchery." "I've buried the rest in a safe place." "If you subject that poor, innocent girl to one comment, one grope, one drop of drool," "I will burn, rip, melt and pop your entire treasure trove!" "(groaning)" "Must control self." "Only way to get sex stuff back is not to think about sex." "Would be fascinated by irony if I didn't want to rip that flimsy blouse off her heaving... (yells)" "Much... better." "Oh, Regine, everything is delicious." "You are just wonderful." "Oh, no, no, no." "Bernice, it is you who are wonderful." "(both coughing and clearing throats)" "Can I tempt you with my potatoes?" "(lusty moaning)" "Ahem!" "Oh, monsieur, take it quickly." "Oh, the tray is so heavy." "(moaning)" "(yells)" "(relieved sigh)" "(sighs)" "(sighs)" "(snoring)" "Excusez-moi." "(yells)" "I'm sorry to be making to wake you." "I am hungry and le fruit bowl, she's on top of the refrigerator." "I cannot reach." "I am straining and groaning, my body pressing against the cold refrigerator as my nipples..." "Yeah, I'll, I'll get it." "Just..." "All that's left are apples." "An apple would be bon." "Thank you and good night, Monsieur Homme de Canard." "Kids, emergency!" "I'm out of ice!" "You still have those hidden camera photos of Aunt Bernice shaving her back?" "Corny, this nanny's changed our lives." "The twins are behaving and doing well in school," "Ajax has stopped eating out of the lawn mower bag, and best of all" "I've been the very model of a modern major gentleman." "Feels good for once to be able to say," ""I did nothing wrong."" "That's a subpoena." "You're being sued for sexual harassment by your kids' tutor." "(muffled) Sexual harassment?" "I don't get it, Corny." "I keep going over it again and again, and I didn't do a single thing wrong." "I can't possibly be that oblivious." "(man yelling, crashing)" "GIRL:" "The pope's been hit!" "I barely even spoke to her!" "Well, except last night when I gave her that apple." "Uh-oh." ""Uh-oh" as in "nice work"?" "No, as in you're screwed." "In the Judeo-Christian iconography the apple represents forbidden fruit, the ultimate sin, implying a desire to engage in the forbidden act, hence becoming a symbol of the ultimate harassment." "And they were such a good source of vitamin A." "NEWSBOY:" "Extra!" "Extra!" "Read about Le Monstre!" "ALL:" "It's Le Monstre!" "Get him!" "(screams)" "I don't know what's going on, Corny, but if I go home, Bernice will kill me." "Looks like I'll have to stay at your apartment for a while." "This week's bad." "I'm, uh, refinishing my basement." "You don't even have a basement." "I didn't say it would be easy." "(chuckles) Uh, hi, ladies." "I know a wonderful depilatory that'll get rid of those mustaches." "Too confusing." "It was just an apple." "But I'm still a man, and no matter what, I, as a man, won't stand for being mistreated by a woman." "Bernice, please!" "What makes you think" "I would ever do something like this?" "The women you've done it to before." "And these are just the ones who could get the day off." "Regine, how could you?" "I feel bad for making sue-sue, but you make me feel, as we say en Francais, "bad."" "But, but..." "The monster's making sexist comments about her posterior." "Let's get him!" "(women clamoring, Duckman screams)" "Bernice, it is tres important to me that you of all peoples not be upset with Regine." "I am ruining Duckman's life." "I know." "I got you a present for that." "Oh, a charm bracelet with Jerry Lewis characters." "Geisha Boy..." "Disorderly Orderly..." "Three on a Couch." "Oh, excuse me." "I am gagged with emotion." "Need air." "Oh." "Feeling faint." "Ahh..." "I really got to find a place to store these things." "Not that I'll need them anymore when I'm through with you, Duckman." "(laughing)" "Look at that." "What is that?" "I am not an animal!" "I am not an animal!" "Well, okay, I'm kind of an animal." "I mean, a few of my features are animal-like, and I don't wear clothes and I smell a little outdoorsy most of the time but I have a job and I talk and stuff, too, so, when I say I'm not an animal," "I think technically, I'm on solid ground." "(overlapping chatter) That's true." "That makes sense." "I can't do it." "I can't do this to myself, but where else can I go?" "The whole world hates me." "I've been sleeping on the street for three days." "This is the only place left that will take me in." "Fluffy, Uranus." "My two favorite..." "whatever you ares." "I was in the neighborhood, thought I'd stop by catch up on things, maybe stay a few years." "I have to." "Your beloved boss has a problem." "It seems I have actually been accused of sexual harassment." "I mean, what a shock!" "You?" "Why, Mr. Duckman, we're flabbergasted." "Of all people..." "That's better." "So what are you waiting for, a valet?" "!" "Who the hell decorated this place" "Willy Wonka?" "Look, I won't be here long." "The only reason I'm letting you two pastel pansies put me up is because I need a place to stay till things blow over... or until I hang myself from a noose" "I weave out of my own intestines, whichever comes first." "Mr. Duckman, perhaps you're impaled on the horns of this particular dilemma because you haven't adapted to our changing culture." "We can give you a simple test to judge whether or not your attitudes line up with the new guidelines in the Regine Poulet Society." "Dream on." "I never take a test that isn't court-mandated." "This one's easy." "Number one" ""females over the age of 18 are often called girls." "How should you refer to them?"" "Sweet potato?" "No." "Love socket?" "No!" "Box lunch?" "No." "It's "women."" "W-O-M-Y-N." "Number two" ""when you're on a date when is it okay to kiss her?"" "When her husband's gone?" "No!" "When the sore heals?" "No!" "After she passes out?" "No!" "When she gives you written permission certified by a Regine-approved notary public." "Let's move on to the word association part of the test." "Breasts." "Mr. Duckman, we haven't start..." "Breasts." "Dog." "Breasts." "White." "Breasts." "Peanut butter." "Breasts." "Tanzania." "Breasts." "Communism." "Breasts." "Dolly Parton." "Bad hair." "(both yawning)" "Mr. Duckman, look at the time." "Maybe we should try this tomorrow." "Fluffy and I have to go to bed." "If you're not tired, you could watch the incubation of the world's last spotted finch eggs in our kitchen." "Or listen to our rare 45 of Shaun Cassidy's "Da Do Ron Ron"-- the only known copy in existence." "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah friggin' day." "Tantalizing as those prospects are" "I think I'll hit the sack myself." "Anywhere fine?" "Nighty night, Uranus." "Nighty night, Fluffy." "BOTH:" "Nighty night, Mr. Duckman." "(squeaking)" "I can't live with this lack of privacy." "Go sleep outside!" "Earlier today, the Regine Poulet Society proposed a ban on the sale of boysenberries until a genetically equal girlsenberry is developed." "A language was renamed today." "Thanks to the Regine Poulet Society" "Hebrew will now be known as Webrew." "The Regine Poulet Society charged a sewer worker with sexual misconduct for referring to his manhole." "(yelling)" "Oops." "Well, TV plays much too large a role in our lives anyway." "Don't you think?" "Mr. Duckman, you didn't happen to see our last-of- their-kind spotted finch eggs, did you?" "Oh." "Yeah." "(chuckles) Couldn't find the Pop-Tarts." "Mr. Duckman, is that "Da Do Ron Ron"" "on your backside?" "Of course not." "I happen to be very conscious of that sort of thing." "Oh, the record." "Yeah, I guess it is." "And if that black vinyl stained any of my butt feathers" "I'll be seeing you two in court." "Mr. Duckman, you've only been here eight hours and already, you've turned our whole world topsy-turvy." "We spent the morning burning your sheets and your mattress and the bed and the carpet around the bed leading into the bathroom and the bathroom." "You have to treat people with respect, Mr. Duckman whether it's what you say to them or how you act in their house." "These eggs need a little ketchup." "Is there anything else?" "As a matter of fact, there is." "Get the (bleep) out of here, Mr. Duckman." "You deaf, Mr. (bleep) cool?" "Get the (bleep) out of here before we (bleep) tear your (bleep) (bleep) off and shove 'em up your (bleep) (bleep)!" "Ooh, that felt pretty (bleep) good." "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Regine Poulet Society." "Regine Poulet Society." "Hello, Regine Poulet Society." "Regine Poulet Society." "Regine Poulet Society." "Regine Poulet Society." "Regine Poulet Society." "Hello, Regine Poulet Society." "Fellow crusaders, listen up!" "We need someone at the post office at 1:00 for the changing of the term "mailman"" "to "person person."" "At 2:00, they're going to erect... oops... um, put up a statue of Regine at city hall and at 3:00, I'll be flying to South America for the renaming of Lake Titicaca." "(applause)" "I'm giving thank-yous for your aid, Bernice." "It is strange." "With you, I feel a bond that is special..." "tender..." "Stimulating." "Uh, uh, um... (clearing throat) uh, w-what I mean is..." "Bernice, you are okay?" "Okay?" "Well, uh, yes, yes." "I-I'm fine, except, except..." "Well, something strange is happening." "I-I'm having feelings." "(clamoring)" "(nervous chuckle)" "Anyone can use a door." "What the hell are you doing here?" "!" "My kids are in this house." "Can you imagine how much they miss me?" "What's the matter, Dad-- did they seal the peephole in the women's bathroom at the park?" "(laughing)" "My own children turned against me!" "Well, don't think that means you've won, Regine." "I'll have you know my children turn against me on an almost weekly basis." "Besides, there's still someone who'll stand beside me." "No matter how black the night or how strong the storm" "I still have my partner." "Here are the anti- Duckman pamphlets you had me print up." "Oh..." "Hi, Duckman." "Boy, is my face red." "Et tu, Cornfed?" "Gesundheit." "(goofy laughter)" "What?" "That line always got a laugh on Mama's Family." "The Regine Poulet Society has taught me that men are shallow and immature creatures whose sole purpose in life is the satisfaction of primal urges." "Plus, they gave me this neat t-shirt." "But what's so wrong about what I did?" "I mean, sure, I'm like any other guy." "I've made an occasional offensive remark." "67,418 reported incidents not including phone booths and confessionals." "Numbers never tell the whole story!" "The point is, I happen to love women." "I love how they look, I love how they talk, and if I'm remembering correctly, I love how they feel." "And if I can't even say that out loud anymore, I give up." "What's the use?" "They can have their sacrificial duck, because I don't care about living in a world that takes away your right to honestly express your feelings." "(chanting):" "Kill the Duckman!" "Of course, I'm not married to this whole masses-decide-my-fate thing." "(groaning)" "Blacking out." "Swoon." "Down I go." "Must be my potassium deficiency." "Here, have a banana." "You offered me a banana-- the phallic fruit?" "I'm uncomfortable with what that implies." "I'm going to sue you for sexual harassment." "What?" "You can't." "I didn't mean anything." "Besides, it can't be harassment." "I'm not even a..." "You're not even a what-- a woman?" "That's right." "I had to appear to abandon Duckman so I could infiltrate your society because of a hunch I had as to your real identity-- the broken French accent, the unnaturally husky voice, the second-rate acting." "You can only be one person-- Gerard Depardieu." "(gasps)" "King Chicken!" "That was my second guess." "This is amazing!" "I had no idea!" "When did you start doing nanny work?" "I don't, you cretin." "It was all part of a plan." "I made that videotape about your children to cajole you into hiring me as their nanny, knowing you'd cave in at the slightest sniff of flesh but for the first time in your miserable life you resisted coming on to a woman," "so I had to entrap you and hold you up to ridicule." "And why did I do it?" "CROWD:" "Duckman made you an outsider in grammar school, so you wanted to make Duckman an outsider in society." "Ha-ha-ha." "(monotonous clucking)" "You're fans!" "Wait just a minute." "You mean, all this time I've really been attracted to a vicious and despicably evil man who almost destroyed Duckman, and cruelly manipulated millions of women for his own personal gain?" "Thank heavens!" "(chanting):" "Choke the chicken!" "Choke the chicken!" "Look, it's Clarence Thomas!" "It doesn't matter." "He's gone, and this is over." "We've been wrong to take out all our frustrations on a spineless, foul-smelling sewer-mouth like Duckman." "Thank you, Bernice." "Harassment is a horrible thing, but maybe a few of us have started to see it where it doesn't exist." "If we're too cautious the passion, the spontaneity, the risk-taking could be replaced by meaningless, stilted, robotic exchanges, and we'll never recapture the more interesting awkwardness that comes from simple attraction." "I'm reminded of an ancient parable and, in closing" "I'd like to state that only when we start respecting each other as human beings will we be able to get back to openly expressing our attraction and being attracted to whomever we want." "I know." "They left hours ago." "I just had a few things to work through." "It's okay, Bernice." "I heard what you said, and you're right." "Women aren't just objects to be ogled and openly lusted after." "They're people-- people that should be treated with dignity and respect." "People who shouldn't be spoken to in the manner in which I've spoken to them in the past." "Do you have my box of smut and disgusting sexual paraphernalia?" "I've seen the light, Bernice." "From now on, there's only one answer." "I'll confine my remarks to inanimate objects." "They can't sue." "Check out the Grand Tetons!" "Hoo-hoo, whee!" "Hey, hey, mama, hard to believe that tongue is attached." "And what have we here, my piece de resistance?" "I'll-feel-ya air pods." "Baby, I'm going to fly your wide body." "(imitating airplane engine)" "(imitating airplane engine)"