"Which is why I only take baths." "Chuck." "Speaking of messy situations, a serial killer remains on the loose tonight in Texas." "His calling card?" "Removing his victims' throats." "Let's hope the authorities are better at catching" ""The El Paso Neck-Puller-Outer"" " than they were at naming him." " Just wait 'til you see the security camera footage I tracked down." "We now bring you exclusive video of the killer stalking his most recent victim." "Just a warning, this footage is extremely graphic." " Oh, my God." " What?" "No." "Did I put in the wrong thing?" "Yeah, Ma, you put in the wrong thing." "Oh, darn." "I guess I don't deserve my after-show treat." "Mm." "Chilling stuff." "Join us tomorrow for more on this developing story." "Great show, everyone." "Now where's that special cupcake" "I was saving for myself?" "Oh, boy." "I wonder if that was also his scotch I drank." "Hey!" "I need my scotch and my cupcake!" "I'm sorry, sweetie." "I know that story was important to you." "I just get so overwhelmed sometimes." "I know, Mom, I've seen you try to step onto an escalator." "Being an intern is harder than I thought it would be." "I mean, look at my to-do list:" ""Print script from ENPS,"" ""load rundown into prompter,"" ""answer phones"?" "It's all nonsense words!" "Well, hey, you're catching up on 30 years of being out of the workplace." "I mean, the last time you were in an office it was okay to slap a secretary on the butt, which I need you to stop doing, by the way." "Ah, she loves it." "Oh, Katie, I'm good at all the mom parts of the job:" "getting lunches and celebrating birthdays." "It's all the other parts that I keep screwing up." "It's a teleprompter, and the video file system, and then the doo-dads, and the chunka chunka..." "I'm not good at machines." "How?" "You're a Facebook savant." "You're catfishing like 80 people right now." "Yeah, well, Michael Strahan's" " falling out of love with me." " Okay." "If you're gonna be an intern here, you can't just keep doing the mom stuff." "You need to learn new skills." " Even if it's hard." " Okay." "Ah, who broke the chunka chunka?" " That's a real thing?" " Uh-huh." "And I broke it." "All right, listen up, folks." "As you all know, I have never missed a single episode of "The Breakdown."" "That's why they call me the Chuck Wagon!" "Mm, it's because John Stossel once tricked him into eating dog food." "I've always been proud of my Lou Gehrig-like streak." "And as the captain of this team," "I consider it my duty to set an example." "Same." "Oh, I know I'm taking July off, but I need August off, too." "I hate to do it, but it's for vacation." " Oh." " Anyway," "I will be missing tomorrow's show so that I can accept a very prestigious award from "Cool and Young Magazine."" "Is that a real magazine?" "No, right?" "I assume in my absence you'll just run old Laurel and Hardy movies or something." "It'll be hard, but I think we can manage without you for one day, Chuck" "Over and out." "A day without Chuck!" "Can you imagine?" "It'll be like when Cedric went off to Eton and then I got to decide what hurrah" " we chirrupped at gymnasium!" " Sure." "Don't you see, Katie?" "Chuck is the reason we live in fear, the reason" " our jobs are so difficult." " The reason I have lockjaw." "But now he's gone." "You're right." "You're right." "Tomorrow is gonna be the easiest day ever!" "Stop spinning down there!" " Oh." " Oh, God, are you okay?" "Don't talk to each other." "Go on." "Move along." "You wanted to see me, Chuck?" "Ah, yes, come in." "Sit down." " Carol, can you keep a secret?" " Of course." " Just ask Angie." " Hi, Chuck!" "Now that I work, we can't hang out all day." "So I just keep her on speaker." "Chuck, can you say my name on the show?" "It's Angie Deltaliano." "A-N-G-I-E..." "Carol, I have a confession." "I'm not going to the" ""Cool and Young Magazine" Awards tomorrow." "Really?" "Have you already given your tickets back?" "Can I have them, plus five more for my walking group?" "The truth is I'm getting cataract surgery." " Oh." " I'm doing both eyes on the same day, so that I only miss one show." "I need you to get me a car home from the procedure." "Oh, okay." "Well, I guess I can handle that." "You're the only one I can trust with this." "You can't show weakness in this business." "Those vultures are just looking for any excuse" " to tear you down." " Oh, tell me about it." "They hate us 'cause they ain't us, Chuck." "One false move and they'll replace you with some hotshot young newsman who drinks Sriracha and eats Lululemon." "Hey, Ang, it's cataract surgery." "Oh, I-I mean the wrong number, I gotta go." "I'm with Chuck Pierce; he's getting cataract surgery." "Oh, damn!" "A day without Chuck." "What a dream." "No one to yell at me, no one to call me "The Little Prince"" "and tell me to go back to my asteroid." "Oh, I feel so relaxed." "Look at my jaw!" "I can fit my whole fist in my mouth." "Not at work." "Isn't it great that Chuck's not here?" " Yeah." " Now we can finally" " do my idea for the show." " Pardon?" "It's pronounced Portia." "You remember my idea for the set that we talked about." "You know what I think would really help the show?" "If we got rid of the desk so people could see my legs." "My mentor Roger Ailes suggested it." "Oh, I love that idea." "Problem is, Chuck." "He'd never go for it." "Yeah, of course, but Chuck is just gone for one day." " Isn't he?" " Well, yeah, but you said..." "Believe me, if Chuck missed even a single day, we would definitely do it." "So we are definitely doing it." "Thanks, Greg." "Rog, he said yes." "What was that about?" "Just a hiccup." "I'm not letting it ruin my Chuck-free day." " Hello, Gregory." " Ah, gods!" " Hi, Beth." " Heard Chuck's not here." " You know what that means." " You're just gonna do" " a normal weather report?" " Nope!" "We can finally do my climate change rant on the show." "I did it at an Earth Day rally." " The Mayor threw up." " Right." "I said I loved the idea, but Chuck would hate it." "Exactly." "But now he's dead." "And we get to have our revenge." "Okay, two hiccups." "How many times did you use Chuck as an excuse?" "Umm, no other times." "You know, Carol, when I asked you to arrange a ride for me," "I meant a professional car service." "Oh, shush your tush." "At least picking up a sick kid is a job I know I can handle." "What smells like marshmallow yams and curry powder back here?" "It's my new perfume, Bombay Thanksgiving." "It's from Chico's Ethnic Harvest collection." "I can't read how many of these pills I'm supposed to take." "Do you have anybody back at your place to take care of you?" "I know from snooping you're not married." "I'll be fine." "Loni Anderson's back here." " She said she'll be my nurse." " That's my bag of clothes" " for Goodwill." " Loni, that's racist!" "You can't say that anymore, it's the..." "It's the '90s." " Mom, where are you?" " You're supposed to make copies of the rundown for everbody." "I can't be doing your job." "Okay, the copy machine said it needed toner, so I then I went to Sephora, and then I couldn't figure out" " how to put it in, so I..." " Mom, we just had this conversation." "I know, but I had to drive Chu..." " No one to nowhere." " You're just lucky" "Chuck isn't here to yell at you." "I'm sorry, honey." "I'm just listening to my new Halloween Sounds CD." "Mom, today is supposed to be easy." " Stop being a pain in my jaw." " Okay, I'm gonna be back soon and then I will figure out how to make those copies." "Great, uh, then just update the script in ENPS OTA, calibrate the EQ on the LCDs, and don't forget to check with the ATF about the APB on that rapper El-P." "Do you have all that?" "I know it's complicated, but you gotta learn all this stuff." "You're an intern." "Mom, I gotta go." "No." "I'm a mom." "Ahh!" "Ah!" "Where am I?" "Oh!" "Who's kidnapped me?" " I did." " Uh!" "I'm gonna take care of you." "Ahh, oh, God." "I'm being "Misery" -ed!" "I couldn't just let you be alone and blind." "What if you hurt yourself?" "What if you ate a decorative apple, thinking it was a real apple?" "I did that once at Crate and Barrel and they made me pay for it!" " You kidnapped me?" " Oh." "And took me to..." " The suburbs!" " This is where all my mothering supplies are." "Soup, expired medicine, and four closets" " full of nothing but quilts." " Ah." "That's it." "I'm walking back to Manhattan." " Ow!" " Oh, no, you are not going anywhere, mister." "Lie back." "Not until we take off those bandages tomorrow morning." " What am I wearing?" " Those are Dave's favorite pajamas." "You can keep them." " You undressed me?" " I didn't look." "Yes, she did." "Angie?" " And then a dragon comes in." " Whoosh!" "And opens his mouth..." "And fire shoots out." "And in that fire, there's an explosion and out of it comes up "The Breakdown" logo." " Mm!" " So that's the opening credit sequence that I thought" " was a great idea?" " Oh, yeah," "You said, "It's quite good."" "And, you know, now that" "Chuck's gonna be gone, we can finally do it." " Booyah!" " Yeah!" "Ow, er." " Can you just hang tight for one minute?" " Okay, yeah." " Hi..." " Greg..." "Be right back." "Dude, what the hell are you doing?" "Nothing." "Just pulling a tape on... sex tourism." "I mean... sex torture." " Sex torture." " Hm." "You wouldn't be hiding from the line of crazy people outside your office, would you?" "It's just, I've used Chuck as an excuse so many times." "Now he's gone, the entire staff's come to collect." "Well, just tell them no." "You do it to me all the time." "'Cause you're a professional." "You can handle it." "These other people cannot." "Wait, so you think of me as your equal?" "Oh, please don't make a big deal out of this." "I won't, I won't." "It's just that I..." "I think about my journey, you know?" "And I think about all the little girls out there..." " ♪ This is my fight song... ♪" " Get a hold of yourself!" "I'm trying to tell you something." " Mm-hmm." " Chuck has always made my life hell." "On my first day of work he forced me to fire his cool, young co-host, Fletch Trank." "Oh, the guy that parachutes into every story?" " He doesn't have to do that." " And working for Chuck has never gotten easier." "Everything's hard." "Every day is a battle." "Every answer is no." "That's why I don't want to say no to these people." "'Cause I don't want to become their Chuck." "Wow." "I always assumed you were just a dick." "But you're secretly kind of not." "Well, yes, because in the movies, villains always have British accents." "Even the Nazis." "How is that fair?" "Well, you know what?" "It's just one show." "Chuck's gonna be back on Monday to say no to everything again, right?" "And it's just one show." "How bad could it be?" "We begin our broadcast with reports of a pipeline explosion in the West Village neighborhood of Manhattan." "Should I do the "Basic Instinct" move for this story or wait for "Pope Visit"?" "The camera guy's been taking an experimental film class down at the Learning Annex, and I told him he could "go nuts."" "♪ Shoo bah, bah doo bah shoo ba, doo ♪" " What the hell is that?" " I told the sound guy his scatcapella group group could do" " all the music for the show now." " Oh, no." "♪ Shoo bay ba do ba da ba news ♪" " Yeah!" " And now, Beth Vierk with the weather." "Thanks, Portia." "The year: 2018." "The reality: you're all dead." "What are you smiling for?" "I'm not, my lockjaw is back." "I never thought I'd say this, but... we need Chuck." "So now the other Property Brother is trying to sell the house." "Or is that the same brother again?" "What kind of soup is this, Carol?" "It's pretty good." "And it takes a lot to impress a souphead like me." "It's my secret recipe." "I've been feeding it to sickies on this couch for over 30 years." "While I do not condone kidnapping, this is better than the time Pablo Escobar took me from my hotel room and made me an exhibit in his zoo." "Well, at least it's good to know that I'm still good at one thing." "I don't know if you've noticed, but it turns out" "I'm not so great at being an intern." "You brought me a script yesterday." "It had clearly gone through a washing machine." ""Follow your dreams" is great when it's sewn on a pillow, but doing it at 60, it's hard." "Sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm kidding myself trying to do a young person's job." "Not me." "He lied." "Oh, Carol, that's why I did both surgeries on the same day." "I was afraid that if I took any more time off" "I wouldn't be Lou Gehrig." " I'd be Wally Pipp." " Oh, the little Pixar robot?" "I met him once at Disney World." "Very rude." "No, the baseball player." "Wally Pipp missed one day and a 22-year-old kid named Lou Gehrig stepped in." "Wally never got his job back." "Oh, poor Wally." "Pick up, Chuck." "Please, please pick up." "Hey, uh, Portia, are we sure we wanna go" " with a skirt that short?" " Of course not." " This is just for rehearsal." " Oh, thank God." "When we tape, I'll be wearing clear shorts." " Go for Chuck." " Oh, thank God." " Chuck, Chuck, it's me." " Dame Edna?" "What an honor." "I'm a huge fan of your work." "No, it's Greg." "It's obviously Greg." "Listen, the show is a disaster." "We need you down here right away." " They want me back at the show." " See!" "I can't say I'm surprised to hear that but, uh, you know what, Greg?" "I'm um, I'm still at the Cool and Young Awards." "I'm hanging out with the only person who really understands me." " Pitbull." " He's not coming back." "What do we do?" "Hey, Chuck, don't worry about it." "The network wants Fletch Trank to fill in anyway." "Over my award-winning body!" "I'll be there in ten!" "Come on, Carol." "We're going back to work." "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Oh!" "Okay, all right." "It's fine, it's fine." "It's just Dave's stuff." "Here we are." "Now let's take a look at our five day forecast." "And here's what's happening in your neck of the woods." "All right now, remember Carol," " nobody can know that I'm blind!" " I know." " You, stay right here." " Here?" "Hey, gang." "Cool sunglasses, huh?" "I came straight here from the "Cool and Young Magazine" Awards." "I won "Most Cool"!" "Ha!" "Oh, no!" "Chuck is back!" "I hope he doesn't say no to all your amazing ideas." "Well, what do you think of today's show?" "Oh, that looks good." "Don't change a thing." " Yes!" " What?" "E-even the set?" "What about that?" "That's my favorite part." "Wow." "Thanks, Chuck." "Three, four..." "Well let's get you into makeup." "Okay." "So long, folks." "And as for you, Fletch Trank, hit the bricks!" "Chuck Pierce is back in town!" "Yeah, here we are." "Oh, my God!" "Okay, great." "Now, here's the hard part." "Oh, Chuck." " The show." " Yes." "Now obviously, I can't read" " a teleprompter like this." " Uh-huh." "So Carol, I need you to be my eyes." " Oh, I don't know." " All you have to do is print out the prompter from the ENPS and get a walkie." "Set it to the same channel that feeds my earpiece." "Then hide up here and read me my lines so that no one knows I can't see." " Easy!" " Oh no, Chuck." "I-I can't handle all that." "I'm just a mom." "No, Carol!" "You're an intern." "And you're the only one that can help me now." "Okay." "Here goes nothing." "Thank you, Carol." "And you know what?" "I've never told anyone this but I think what I'm most afraid of is not being replaced." "It's being alone." "Carol?" "Carol?" "It's totally cool." "There's, like, lightning and smoke." "Oh, wait." "There's a wizard that comes out." "He looks kinda like my dad." "Oh, God." "What have I done?" "This is gonna be a disaster." "In a couple years, everybody's gonna be wearing an outfit like this." "You know, when I peed my pants in my high school play..." "Kindergarten play, my mom pulled the fire alarm to bail me out." "But you are not a teenager..." "A five-year-old." "You are the executive producer of the number two-rated 4:00 cable news hour in the entire country, not counting the South, Midwest, or the top parts." "You're right." "I can't just sit back and let this happen." "I need to become the one thing I never wanted to be," " the thing I always promised my..." " Chuck, you need to be Chuck." "The show's in five minutes." "It ends now!" " What?" " It all ends now." "We're going back to the normal show we do every night." "No crazy sets or see-through shorts or live music or doomsday propaganda or crazy, silly pet tricks!" "I'd rather air a live feed of a human centipede than any of your stupid ideas!" "Sorry..." "I didn't mean that." "Sorry." "You're all really special to me." "Um..." "I love you." "Ah!" "♪ Carol's doing her job ♪" "Thanks doll!" "♪ She is the best intern ♪" "♪ In the office ♪" "♪ Carol ♪" "♪ Carol ♪ Thanks, doll!" "♪ Carol ♪" "♪ Carol ♪ Thanks, doll!" "♪ Doo da loo doo da loo ♪" "Thanks, doll!" "♪ Doo da loo ♪" "♪ Carol ♪" "Chuck Wagon, this is..." "Oh, shoot, what's my spy name?" "Uh, Desk..." "Desk Crotch." "We are go for launch." "Well, the entire staff hates me." "Yeah, well, at least now everything's back to normal." "Wait, did anyone remember to swap out Justin's new open?" "Nope." "Live from Secaucus, New Jersey..." " Yeah!" " This is "The Breakdown."" "Well at least now everything's" " back to normal." " Good evening." "We begin our broadcast with reports of turn around, dumb-dumb..." "You're facing the wrong way." "No, don't say it." "No, turn your chair around." "Just turn your chair around." "Oh, me!" "Um..." "We begin our br..." "Oh, good." "This is happening." "With reports of a pipeline explosion in the West Village neighborhood of Manhattan." "Oh, no, that's Katie's neighborhood." "I hope she's okay." "Hang on, Angie, I'm going to call her." "Oh." " Your chair is..." " Would you like me to see if I can get the hula-dancing cats back in here?" " No." " Okay." "Oh, no, I don't know how to pronounce this word." " Conflag... conflagre..." " Conflagradion." "Okay, it's C-O-N-F-L-A-G-R-A-T-I-O-N" " was finally contained." " You know what?" "It's still better than rehearsal." "Mm." "Well, that was a weird show." "Angie should be happy, though." "Chuck said her name, like, eight times." "You think anybody noticed that I was reading Chuck his lines?" "So when it comes to my reproductive health, there's no substitute for a vaginal self-exam." "Ooh, I think I was reading Portia's lines by mistake." "Does that matter, Chuck?" " Back to you, Chuck." " What?" " Oh, no." " I think people" " may have noticed." " Oh, I guess it's game over" " for old Desk Crotch." " For who?" "I still don't know how to work the machines." "I just ask a bunch of nerds to help me with everything." "Come on, there's nothing left for me to do now except fill my purse with lots of pens and diet soda and hand in my resignation." "No, Mom." "You did a good job today." "Hey, you got Chuck here." "You talked him through the whole show." "You multi-tasked." "You delegated." "I mean, that's not what an intern does, but it's what a producer does." "A producer?" "Are you saying you see me as your equal, Katie?" "Uhh... yeah." "♪ This is my fight song... ♪" "Carol?" "Carol?" "I need a ride home." "Oh, the coffee!" "It's burning me!" "Ahh!" "The decaf!" "The decaf!" "Wait a minute." "The "Cool and Young Magazine"" "Awards aren't until next week."