"Previously on United States of Tara..." "Do you think Dr. Pete can fix me?" "I'm weary of anyone who calls himself Dr. Pete." " She's here?" " Yes, the person is here." "That's not my booby buddy." " What are we doing here?" " What do you mean?" " Wait, is it a Hell House?" " A what?" "This evangelical play that they use to scare kids straight." "If Marshall wants to put his time into this, I'm sure he has a {\very }good reason." "I had a bad bug encounter." "You're so cute." "Something happened to Tara" " when you two went to school." " His name is Trip Johanssen." "I think I saw something." "New alter." "It's like an animal." "What the fuck?" "You come in with her and we'll talk together about the memories that have triggered all this." "Relecture/Resynchro:browncoat, lafeelicita grischka, salomon, valpi" "Hey, Dr. Ocean." "Max Gregson." "Listen, I don't know if you work weekends, but Tara's Tara again." "So I'd really like to move her appointment up before she turns." "Okay?" "Call me." "Thanks, bye." "Sorry, it's me again." "Look, I didn't know if you were gonna work the weekend thing out." "But I don't want to do this alone, and you told me not to do it alone." "So... just..." "I think I might, so call me either way, okay?" "Hey." "Listen, I didn't mean to make it sound like" "I wasn't gonna wait, okay?" "I can definitely wait." "I'll see you at our next appointment time." "And I won't say a word." "I promise." "Your tummy messed up again?" "What?" "No." "Why?" "You're doing your diarrhea dance." "Oh." "No, no, I'm fine." "Okay, what?" "Nothing." "Nada." "Baby, if you don't tell me what you're pissed off about, we'll end up in some dumb fight about, I don't know, who forgot to change the dishwasher filter." "It's not about the dishwasher filter." "I'm not mad at you." "Then just say it." "I think there may be a new alter." "Oh, God." "Are you sure?" "Remember how you thought that none of you ruined the mural?" "Dr. Ocean says with the appearance of a new alter..." "Wait, you and Dr. Ocean have been talking about this?" "About me?" "Together?" "Well, we wanted to tell you together, but every time I call her," " she never an..." " Tell me." "Tell me everything now." "What's her name?" "Oh, jeez, it's another dude." "Great." "I'm such a lesbian." "It's not a dude." "It's..." "What?" "We're not sure." "It's animalistic." "Pure id I guess." "Okay, you're making me sound like an evil, rabid squirrel or something." "Yeah." "Well, it's kind of like that." "But the size of you." "I'm gonna throw up." "Agofor?" "Howmanyletters?" "Igotnewsynews!" "Somebody's got puppies in the oven!" "I... am with child." "Oh, cool, Alice." "Is it a boy or a girl?" "Too soon to tell." " It's not getting my room." " Me either." "I would've thought you two would've been happy to have a brand new little niblet to bat around a yarn ball with." "Oh, my God." "I'm out." "Hey, Marsh, you want me to pick you up after school?" "No, it's okay." "I have rehearsal, so..." " Opening night's tomorrow." " Ooh, your church pageant." "Everybody in Overland Park I ever hated, and you're gonna go pray with 'em?" "I don't pray." "Honey, listen to me." "I'm sorry, but there is no way that you could be pregnant." "Tara has an IUD." "Oh, pooh, I don't believe in those things." "Well, I don't think it matters if you believe in 'em." "The Lord works in mysterious ways." "The magical spirit of an infant can wriggle its way around that mean old devil's tree in no time." "Now if I remember correctly, I have some rickrack" " that would look nifty on a bib." " Hey, Alice." "Listen." "Tara has a doctor's appointment coming up and if she's not back, could you go in her place?" " You found us an obstetrician?" " Well, she's a therapist." "Talky talky talk." "Naval gazers." "What a waste of one's time." "No, I won't do that." "Now those bibs, plus my puffy paint marker." "Ooh, we can set up the crib." "Marshall." " Hi, Pastor." " I'm glad I caught you." "Going to rehearsal?" "Yep." "I just want you to know" "I get what you're doing here." "And i'm not the only one who can see it." "Everyone can." "They can?" "Well, you don't do a very good job of hiding it." "Just know..." "We're keeping an eye on you, son." "And, because national has just taken receipt of over 35,000 tons of beautiful crab from Israel, we're initiating abundantly crab month." "Now, who here can tell me what's in the crab mountain melee salad?" "Crab, iceberg, egg, tomato, carrot, crouton..." " Choice of dressing." " Nice, Tonya." "Nice!" "Good." "Kate, you haven't..." "answered any ice breakers." "Do you have a handout with you?" "Getting crabby?" "I won't punish you." "I mean, not unless you ask me to." "Shift change, people." "First person to sell anything crab wins a Starbucks card." "Go, go, go." "Hey..." "Katie, wait up." " Hey, drugstore cowboy." " Asshole." "Look, I really don't want to have to do this with her." "Alice is not gonna let me watch her pee." "You really think there's a chance she could be knocked up?" "Is there a chance that crazy shit constantly happens around here?" " Where is she?" " Upstairs." "You owe me, Mister." " Whatever." " Asshole." "That's what they call me." "Tomorrow is not just opening night for friends and family." "We're gonna have one VIP coming, who expects a lot." "A VIP called The Lord." "I need everybody to pitch in." "Starting with the hell-dwellers." "Stoners, sweep out the columbine set." "Jews, jews, jews, ask your moms for some platters for the donuts in the conversion room." "Homos, i'm sending you out on errands." "Kyle and Devin, go to the bank and grab some singles for the ticket booth." "Jason, Marshall, go to the grocery store and grab some abortion meat." "Cool?" " Okay." " Stop it." " Stop what, Kitty Kate?" " Stop with the name." "Stop singling me out at your little crab updates." "Stop blabbing to people." "Just stop it." "I've been getting this sketch feeling for the past couple of days and Grambo keeps winking at me with his one good eye." "I haven't said a word to anyone." "Yeah, but you want people to know, right?" "Like subconsciously or something." "Like it's like I can feel you claiming me." "If it's cool with you, I just think we should just can it." "Can it?" "Can what?" "Can this." "You know," "I think it's kind of hard for you to understand because, like, of your generation or whatever." "But, like, you take everything really seriously." "Like..." "Like, people my age, we just, like, hook up and then we move on." "So, like, when you do stuff, like, text me about how my latin test went, it's funky." "So..." "I feel a lot better saying that." "I really just want to be an employee again." "I'm glad you feel better but..." "I'm not sure I can do that." "I think it's best if I had you transferred." "Well, you can't do that because the closest Barnabeez is, like, 40 million miles away in Shawnee." "Yeah." "I can't walk there from school, Gene." "Fine." "Then I'll just terminate you then." " On what grounds?" " Plenty." "You're the slowest ketchup-marrier on staff." "Your refusal to follow fashion standards." "General lack of glee." " Lack of glee?" " Yeah." " Gene." "I'm sorry, Kate, but you're done here." "Goodbye." "Leave the visor." " Stop watching me." " I'm not watching." "I can't make sissy with all this pressure." "I'm so excited." "You're gonna be an auntie, Charmaine." "Your new bust line turned out well." "Thanks." " Did it hurt?" " I'm feeling better now." "We're in business." "It's pink, it's pink!" "I knew it!" "We're having a girl!" " That's negative, right?" " Yeah, it's pink no matter what." "There'd be a plus sign if there was an actual baby." "Thank God." "I just don't want to be there the day she tries to check herself into a hospital just to squish out an invisible baby." "Maybe I do." "You never told me what happened with Heidi." "Yeah, yeah." "I met her." "Does the name Johanssen mean anything to you?" "Guess there's a building at the school with the family's name all over it." "Got nada for you." "I was in a whole other state." "It's driving me fucking nuts." "It's like I know too much but" "I don't know enough." "I just want to fix it." "You're funny." "Why?" "That you think you can fix it." "Now for the smaller brush." "Thank you." "Times like this I really wish Tara taught me how to paint." "Tara can teach you things?" "Of course she can, silly." "We're never too old to learn." "I learn from all of them." "Even T." "Even Buck." "Buck helped me a bunch last week." "With my surgery." "I like him." "He's such a wild man." " I thought my mom might be back." " No." "Got way too much to do." "You okay?" "I got fucking fired from my fucking work today." "And don't go for the soap or I'll find a set of stairs and I will push you down them." "Kate." "When's the last time you washed your hair?" "Does that look like an abortion to you?" "Kind of." "Liver." "That looks abortiony." "Could we have seven pounds of that?" "Seven pounds it is." "There you go." "Kendra gave me the money." "I hate okra." " Well have you ever had it?" " No." "Why not?" "Sounds like Oprah." " Wouldn't want that in a can." " So..." "You don't like it because of the label?" "Want me to..." "I hate labels." "Have you ever thought about what it would be like if there were no labels on anything in the store?" "Pretty random basically." "Yes, okay." "So people would take the stuff home and they would make it and eat it before they even knew if they liked it or not." "{\And }I bet a lot of people would throw out a bunch of stuff that sucked." "{\And }I assert that the same amount of people if not more would find new things." "New things that they loved." "But you know what I mean, right?" "Kind of." "Okay, here we go." "No!" "Alice, come on!" " Don't spray me with that stuff!" " I promise it'll cheer you up." "You know when Trixie's born, we'll put make-up on her too." " You're gonna call her Trixie?" " Well either Trixie or Pauline." "Ladybird." "You know, Kate, I agree." "That man was a {\real }pooh head for firing you." "Right?" "But there's something you may want to consider." "You know how we were brought up to believe that men were the stronger sex made of hard, hairy muscles and granite and irish spring?" " Did she just say "{\hard, }hairy muscles"?" " "Hairy muscles."" "And ladies are supposed to be these... mushy crybabies with sparkly pink insides?" "Well it turns out that men... are highly emotional creatures." "We must never humiliate them." "They are vulnerable and needy." "And their hearts are just as pink and mushy as ours, if not pinker and mushier." "And scientists have found that most men feel safer and stronger..." "When women raise their vocal tones by just half a note." "Is that why you talk like a Disney princess?" "This is some bullshit, Alice." "I'm not gonna chirp like a hummingbird." "Trust me, ladies." "I know of what I speak." "Now look at yourselves." "Don't we feel like we can do anything?" "I look good." "I never had apricot pancakes before." "They're good." "I'm going to put some of those apricots up in jars so when Fiona's born," "I'm going to make baby food." "Fiona?" "Is that what you're calling her now?" "I'm also considering Marybeth and Elodie." "Elodie?" " Never heard that one before." " I made it up." "{\You know, }When baby comes, the rest are gonna have to get used to not being number one{\ anymore}." "What, do you mean Kate and Marshall?" "No, silly, the others." "My charges, Buck and T." "What do you mean, "Your charges?" They belong to you?" "Well somebody has to take care of the brood." "T.'s a flake and Buck's a high plains wolf." "And Tara..." "Wanna ask you something." "If you tell me which is your favorite name." " Elodie." " I like that one too!" "Okay, if you're the keeper of all the alters, are there any  others, any I don't know about?" "What?" "I think I just felt a little kick." "She's getting so strong." "Alice, what are you not telling me?" "Nothing, my prince." "I need you to do something for me." "Because I give you everything you want, don't I?" "Don't I?" "What do you want?" "I want you to meet Tara's doctor." "For me." "Come." "I'd have mailed you your check." "I didn't come for my check, Gene." "I came because..." "I was thinking about how everything went down." "And..." "I just..." "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for saying the things that I did about your generation." "It was very mean of me." "And I didn't mean to make you feel old." "It did make me feel very judged by you." "And..." "I realized that... we're in different places in our life." "You know?" "But that doesn't mean that we have to hate each other." " I could never hate you." " And I could never hate you." "Because I know that you have a big heart." "Thank you." "For seeing it." "I did." "Can I have my job back, Gene?" "Gene, can I have my job back?" "Please can I come back?" "{\So, }I've narrowed it down to my top three." "Elodie, Trixie, and Fiona." "They all sound good." "You seem very excited." "I've been waiting my whole life for this." "Always been the kind of woman who kept a handful of butterscotch candies in my apron to hand out to the neighborhood children." "The sound of kids laughing is like... is like a brook that quenches the thirst of my soul song, you know?" "But he changed everything." "You changed everything." "I used to dream about babies." "Now I dream about a baby with your face." "Thank you, Alice." "Are you going to..." "Well, I'm really enjoying meeting Alice." "Okay, I gotta go to the bathroom." "She's nice." "You know..." "I need a minute." "Nothing got done today." "Nothing." "Look..." "You told Tara about the new alter." "She transitioned immediately." "She's afraid it's too much." "That there's no way you could love anything that far out." "Yeah, well, she's got that fucking right." "Well, look at Alice." "She's so invested in keeping you, that she made a baby." "A baby that for all intents and purposes is you." "I'm a baby." "That's crazy." "Yeah, it is." "Crazy." "Max, I think... it's time for you to get your own therapist." "Hootie hoo." " Everyone good here?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah, we're done here." "Shit." "How long do we have?" "I think the first tour starts in about 15 minutes." "Nervous?" "Not really." " Hey, dad." " Big night, boys." "Big night." "What's that theater convention?" "{\You know, }We're not supposed to say "Good luck."" " It's "Break a leg." - "Break a leg"." "There it is." "Break a leg." "Marshall, can I have a minute?" " I'll see you inside, son." " Meet you in there." "I was just wondering whether anything's changed since last we spoke." "Not that anybody can change that quickly." "{\You know, }A lot of people come through here thinking they can do what you're doing." "They have?" "But keeping Christ at a distance doesn't make you cool." "You haven't accepted Christ yet, have you?" "That?" "You know what?" "You're right." "When I came here," "I don't even think that I was even, you know, looking for a personal savior." " And that's {\probably }what you're picking up on." " I knew it." "Could see it a mile away." "And you know what?" "As soon as I'm ready to have a personal savior," " he's completely on top of my list." " Well, good." "Break a leg." "Jesus." "Fuck." "Hurry up!" "File in!" "File in!" "Stop dilly-dallying!" "Get in the room!" "Oh, thank you for agreeing to come." "I think Marshall will be happy." "Plus we all might learn something." "Satan forever!" "This kids thought it was just about the music!" "Little did they know that popular music is Satan's favorite way to recruit new souls." "Soon, they will be mine, in Hell." "Follow me!" "Hello, Kate." "This kid stopped going to church." "His parents thought he was going through a stage." "A stage!" "Now he'll burn in Hell for all eternity!" "Clouds change, cracking open skies deranged." "Fragments." "Fragments." "For the universe would never be the same again." "That's right!" "This is where they all end up!" "In Hell!" "A hell far worse than you ever could've imagined." "Homos!" "Racists!" "Is that Marshall?" "Gavin newsome!" "Movie stars!" "Vegans!" "Butt-fucking fruits!" "Let us make haste before it's too late!" "Let us make haste before it's too late!" "That was an original piece I wrote, entitled Until After Yesterday." "Kate, I've given you the after-school shift on Monday and I hope to see you there." "So let me surround you with the abundant white light of my love, and you shall be rescued for all eternity." "Now if you would please go to the salvation room, we have people who want to talk to you about being saved." "Plus donuts." "Could you come down here?" "Oh, darling, just in time." "Jesus is blessing the baby." "That's not Jesus." "He's acting." "He works at the Three Day Blinds by the interstate." "Hey, Pauly." "I know." "I'm not a dingwit." "He can still bless our baby." "I'm so sorry." "Would you please excuse us, Jesus?" "Why don't you care about this baby?" "Always all, tell me what happened to Tara." ""I'm Dudley detective with a giant magnifying glass," " "I'm gonna get to the bottom of this."" " Is there something wrong with that?" "Yes." "You are relentless." "I heard you tell Charmaine you hunted down Heidi and now you've gone and brought Gimme out." "Alice, who's Gimme?" "Max, you listen to me." "You have no idea, okay?" "You have no idea what you're playing with." "Time to go home." "Wait, I changed my mind!" "I don't want to do this." "You should've thought about that when you were having unprotected sex with the entire football team!" "Look what you've done, you monster!" "Tara?" "Alice?" "Alice, are you okay?" "I lost our baby, my darling." "I lost Elodie." "I lost our little girl." "No, no, honey." "That's not a miscarriage." "I looked at our schedule." "You just had your period." "Yes, honey." "Oh, Alice." "Come on, Alice." "I love you, Alice."