"I don't usually do a live performance... but, I did the movie with Baz..." "I did not see it." "Oh, but you know the story." "No." "Not really." "Oh, my god, "The Gift of the Magi"?" "This is not gonna work..." "They were supposed to cut it on the bias..." "You can't wear this." "Carola, non mi piace..." "(Carola, I don't like it.)" "Di a Battistoni di rifarlo." "(Tell Battistoni to remake it.)" "Well, let me see what I can do here..." "Turn this way." "Bueno, bueno!" "Andiamo!" "(Good, good." "Hurry up!" ")" "Anyway, "The Gift of the Magi"..." "It's a story by O. Henry..." "It's about the foolish sacrifices we make for love." "Foolish, how?" "Well, in the story there are two young lovers:" "Joe and Della..." "And they have no money..." "They want so desperately to buy each other a Christmas present..." "I'm gonna try something..., but I gotta pin it from underneath." "Okay." "So, Joe, the young man, he has only one possession:" "his grandfather's gold pocket watch..." "Which he treasures more than anything..." "Except for Della." "Shall I go on?" "What?" "With the story." "Yes... please..." "L'Ennui" "Where have you been?" "I, um, I met these two kids, and, uh... they lived in this little town called Bishop, which is in the Sierras." "And, uh, it was so beautiful!" "I - there was this mountain called "Thunderbolt Peak"..." "And you know, of course, I could never make it to the top of a mountain, right?" "You climbed a mountain?" "I - yeah." "I got your letter, Jenny." "Uh-huh." "I never wanted you to rip your heart out..." "I just... wanted you to... be honest with me." "Yes." "I have this present for you." "I found this in this, um... little tiny town called "Lone Pine"." "It's like, it's a chain for your... stopwatch." "So you don't forget it all the time." "I broke it." "It was your grandfather's." "Yeah, it was." "It was that day..." "I'm sorry." "So... that was... the first time that it happened?" "Yes." "Those are yours." "Get out." "You were screwing her since the first night you went out!" "Even Bette and Tina knew!" "I was the only idiot who had no fucking clue!" "You pathological fucking liar!" "Get out of my house!" "Jenny, get out of my house!" "Go." "Okay." "No, no - okay." "And, like, that's it?" "You want us to ask, though..." "So we're asking." "Just 'cause she's squatty, and like..." "I'm not saying..." "And like what?" "She's just short, guys, allright?" "There's nothing wrong with it..." "She's tiny." "Fucking Shane met Madonna at Harry Samchuck's party!" "Madonna, la petite blonde qui chante?" "(Madonna, the small blonde who sings?" ")" "Yeah, so, does she want you?" "Did you already do her?" "Well, I am doing her hair next week." "Oh, my god." "And Harry gave Shane his yacht." "He gave you his yacht?" "Yeah." "Friday night..." "I'm having a party, so be there, okay?" "Hi." "Hi." "Hi guys." "Hey!" "Hello." "How are you doing?" "Good, how are you?" "Here's a chair for you." "Oh... thanks baby." "So Tina, how do you feel?" "Oh, my god, you guys..." "You wouldn't believe it..." "My acid indigestion is so much better... since Doctor Wilson prescribed the antacid!" "The tablets are a lot better than the liquid." "Yeah." "Much better." "But last night, I woke up at 3 AM..., with the most unbelievable heartburn." "My HCD levels are really high, which can be a good thing in a pregnancy,... but it makes nausea so much worse." "Well, it's supposed to subside after 14 weeks..." "This morning, I am pulling on my socks and I noticed this varicose vein." "Right there." "Oh, there it is." "Yeah, well, if she keeps doing her prenatal yoga... and the pelvic floor exercises..." "It's because of the increase in hormone production... that the muscular walls of the veins relax." "It's unbelievable what the female body goes through!" "Which reminds me, today is... our ceremony in spirit flow." "What ceremony?" "You don't remember?" "We told you about it." "The Sikhs believe that the soul enters the fetus' body at 13 weeks." "Cool." "And Gurudev, my yoga teacher, she does this ritual, and we were just hoping that you guys would be there for the chanting..." "And, uh, there's gonna be a blessing." "No, we - we wouldn't miss it." "Wouldn't." "Absolutely not." "That's great." "Ohmmmmmmm..." "Ohmmmmmmm..." "Ohmmmmm my god..." "Now, if you'll all join me in singing:" ""May the Longtime Sun"... and remember to send your blessings to Tina and Bette and the new being they're creating." ""May the longtime sun shine upon you... "" ""All love surround you... "" ""And the pure light within you... "" ""Guide your way home... "" ""May the longtime sun shine upon you... "" "What happened to you?" "I know that you, um... don't want to talk to me after what I said to you." "What do you need, Jenny?" "I need a bath." "Can I go to your house?" "I can... wait for your break..." "I thought you never wanted to see me again?" "We were together for four years..." "We were engaged." "I just had to try to make things work." "He really loves you." "He came to show me." "Tim did that to you?" "Yes." "But don't worry," "I'm not gonna press charges..." "Am I just a coward... and a liar... and a cheater?" "Adios, chiquitas. (Bye girls.)" "Oh, bye baby." "See you guys later." "A plus tard." "Bye, Kit!" "See you guys!" "Bye." "See you later!" "So, tell us again about this crazy party on the boat?" "Oh." "Allright..." "Harry booked it, right?" "But it turns out he has to go out of town..." "So... there's a free bar... there are very sweet cocktail waitresses... hey, it could be tit, y'know?" "Yeah." "I'm sure." "I'm sure it will be tit." "And I'm sure you will completely... understand why we won't be there." "That's too bad, you're missing out." "I'm nesting, you guys..." "I wish I could describe what it feels like..." "It's... it's..." "It's okay, we can use our imaginations, really." "Primal!" "Females in the animal kingdom,... they do this when they're gestating." "You become a homebody." "You just... retreat!" "Like a brooding hen." "So you guys are gonna pass up a private girl party on the most famous gin palace in the Pacific... so you can go home and sit on an egg... is this what I'm hearing?" "Yes!" "That is what you're hearing Alice." "Yes we are." "I gotta get back to work, you guys." "Bye." "Thanks for coming." "Allright." "Okay." "Bye." "Okay." "Um." "It was lovely." "Yeah, congratulations, you guys!" "And quite moving." "It was really pretty." "It's so desperate, you guys... we have to go ahead and do this." "Yeah." "Six o'clock." "Six." "Okay." "Allright, we'll see ya later." "Sorry I'm so late, sweetie!" "I was just pulling out of the garage when I realized... that I forgot the three new natural childbirth books we wa..." "What's going on?" "I don't know.." "These guys have something they want to talk to us about." "Maybe you should have a seat next to Tina?" "Um, can I just..." "No, no, no." "No." "I have it." "Okay..." "Okay." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Uh" " Shane?" "Will you put that in the fridge?" "'Cause leaving hot food out is... what brings the bacteria to life..." "And toxoplasmosis is one of the most... prevalent causes of birth defects." "You get it from contaminated food,... unpasteurized cheese, and..." "Cats." "Cats." "Outdoor cats." "Slander against cats..." "Write that down." "Wh" " What are you writing, anyway?" "Okay." "Here goes." "The reason we've gathered here... your friends and family... because we really do consider you guys our family." "That's why we were at that... ritual... thing." "Is to perform an intervention." "Look, guys, my cousins did this for my uncle Bill and he hasn't had a drop to drink... since they put him in the straightjacket... and hauled him off to rehab..." "I swear." "Thank you for that, Shane." "Sure." "Now." "I know what you're thinkin'." "Well that is a relief... because I can safely say that we're both just totally mystified!" "An intervention is about helping people you love... change destructive patterns of behavior." "Now, over the past approximately..." "Twelve. ...weeks, we've noticed a very alarming pattern." "Um." "You two are having a baby..." "And we are very happy for you." "Why wouldn't you be?" "We are." "Jump in anytime." "Okay." "Um." "Guys." "We've seen this happen with other couples that we've known..." "Janet and Sue, for instance..." "Claudia and Tammy, oh... god, especially Mimi and Ivy." "Wow." "Um." "It would kill us, you guys, if you wound up like Mimi and Ivy." "Okay." "And we wouldn't be your friends if we just stood back and... let ya... get so..." "So..." "What!" "Boring." "Boring, guys." "Boring?" "Boring?" "I know this is painful..." "Denial is very common..." "It's okay." "That's why we've actually made this list of incidents,... and this multiple choice self assessment test." "Which we'll go through with you and then the two of you can fill it out together,... and tally the results." "It has results?" "Results you can... tally?" "Jesus!" "Ready?" "No, but go ahead." ""Wednesday, March 5." "TK arrives at The Planet with a catalog of maternity underwear,... and takes up the entire breakfast making everyone choose between..." "Pima Cotton granny panties and wide-waistband stretch-lycra maternity briefs. "" "I'm sure I did that, but..." "I needed you to help me." "Acceptance is the first step, Tina." "Dana?" "Right." "Um, Tina, this one's for you..." "From the questionnaire:" "And appropriate response to the question..." ""Hi, how are ya?" is?" "I don't know. "A"." ""A"! "Fine thanks, and you?"" "Uh, "B", which also would have been good,..." ""I'm feeling a little tired today, but I'm really happy to see you guys. "" "But "C"?" "Shane?" "Oh." "Yep, um, "C", being,..." ""I'm taking progesterone suppositories... and my vaginal discharge is all gooey and brownish,... and my gums are spongy and bleeding from the hormones... and extra blood coursing through my body. "" "Bette?" "I don't want you to think this is just about Tina." "No, I'm sure." "Bored the hell out of you." "Look, guys, we love you so much." "We love you guys." "We do." "Ditto." "Love you." "That's why it pains us so much to see you... in this downward spiral." "I mean, Tina?" "Look at your feet." "What?" "Oh, look, right here it says,..." ""True/False." "Right now, I am wearing fuzzy-wuzzy slippers. "" "Allright." "That's it." "Okay." "Allright." "Okay." "Great." "So, uh... m aybe leave some copies..." "Here..." "Yeah, we'll give you some extras in case you mess up." "See ya." "Okay, bye-bye." "Bye, guys." "You're not bored by your mommies, are you?" "He's not." "Hola!" "(Hello!" ")" "Oh, wait a minute, can you hold on?" "Can you hold on a minute?" "Just one minute!" "Hi!" "Yeah." "Yeah, this is me." "It's kind of a whistle-stop tour..." "I'm looking at Washington U. tomorrow... then I'm off to L.A. the following day..." "I've been offered a place at USC." "An internship." "Look, anyways,what I was thinking... look, I'm in interviews most of the afternoon..." "And then I'm catching an evening flight back to D.C...." "You know, but I thought maybe... maybe we could meet." "Before I leave." "I" " I realize you're not supposed to put yourself in...  ...you know, stressful situations... at this stage in the recovery process... and..." "look, I" " I want to be respectful of that." "No..." "I'm okay." "I can handle it." "Okay?" "I'll see you then." "And that's pretty much it." "Until they release the campaign." "You look fucking hot..." "You should dress like that more often." "I'm going to a party later." "Great." "That reminds me of one thing, actually." "Um... usually in a contract like this, there's, uh,... something called a Lifestyle Clause, okay,... in which you as the spokesperson are expected to, uh, reflect the company's image, y'know,... in all aspects of your life." "It can be stupid things like no... no public drunkenness,... or, uh, I don't know..." "No Satan worshipping." "This is the deal." "Once you sign this thing..." "Subaru owns your ass..." "You've gotta play by their rules." "What about Martina?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I know that Subaru did that whole Martina-lifestyle campaign,... but that's - that's different,... 'cause Martina, she's a superstar..." "You know, she can pull off that whole,... the whole gay thing." "You're not Martina, babe..." "You're not Tiger Woods..." "You're - you're not a superstar." "What you are is very hot." "Very sexy." "This is it." "This is your chance to cash in!" "But you've gotta face the facts, Dana..." "The clock's ticking..." "You know, you're, uh... your Anna Kournikova days are numbered." "Fuck you, Conrad!" "Hey, I've offered." "Oh." "Lighten up, Fairbanks, c'mon." "You can be a lez when you retire..." "But right now, you're an ass-kicking... but... dick-lovin'... athlete." "Who's getting a fat paycheck." "All you gotta do is smile pretty for the camera..." "Capisce?" "(Understand?" ")" "Hey ladies, how you doin'?" "Good." "Names, please?" "Bette Porter and Tina Kennard." "Bette and Tina." "There you go." "Uh, Shane's not here yet..." "But you can go on board,... make yourselves feel comfortable." "Thanks." "Okay." "Thanks." "Actually, you're the first two to arrive." "Uh-oh." "We're the first ones here?" "That's really boring, isn't it?" "That's boring." "So boring." "God." "This is so nice." "It is." "And so peaceful." "Bor-ing!" "So you still haven't told me..." "What do you think counts as sex?" "I don't know..." "Having an orgasm?" "Well, if that was the case,... that would mean thousands of women who are... married with children have never had sex." "But either way... you and I definitely have had sex!" "You're so sexy, Dana..." "You make me come so hard." "What, did I offend you or something?" "No, everything's fine." "Dana, what's up?" "Just, I need you to stop." "Stop what?" "Touching me." "Kissing me..." "I can't do this, okay?" "..." "I'm not ready for all this." "I don't believe you..." "I don't think I've ever met anyone more ready in my entire life!" "I know..." "I'm gay..." "And when I hide that, I hide the best part of me..." "But you don't understand what it means to be me..." "My clock is ticking, Lara, and... and you want to have sex in the street." "What?" "I..." "And I don't want to parade around making... sure everybody knows our business..." "I'm not like you..." "I care what they think." "Is this about the ad campaign, or something?" "Did your agent scare the shit out of you?" "It's just, I can't... stand to be judged by you all the time." "You're a bigger, better person than me... and every time I look at you..." "I'm reminded of that!" "I'm sorry..." "I've been putting too much pressure on you and I'm moving too fast... peut-être qu'on devrait..." "Maybe we should just..." "No!" "I just, I ca..." "I can't!" "Okay?" "!" "Just forget it!" "I can't." "It's too hard." "I don't want to be with you." "What were you doing last night around 9:15?" "I don't know." "Um..." "I think brushing my teeth!" "Did you feel anything?" "Because I was sending you Reiki." "Oh, my god." "Did you say 9:15?" "Reiki, isn't that boring?" "Really boring." "Write it down." "You're under so much stress right now with... everything that's going on with your mother and your siblings..." "If you want, I could do some hands on with you later tonight." "I would love that..." "I would really love that." "I actually, I have this..." "I" " I don't know if you can feel this..." "Yeah." "Can you feel that?" "Yeah." "it's definitely... blocked." "Hold on a moment?" "Hey, hey, hey." "Hey." "Where's your woman?" "She couldn't make it." "That sucks." "Are you allright?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "You feeling that?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I think so." "I'm working telepathically on your glutes right now." "Right." "You're carrying a lot of stress in your lower back... and hips." "Right now..." "I'm releasing it." "Okay." "Now take your shirt off..." "I think it might help." "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah, sure, of course." "If you think it'll help." "Okay." "Are you ready?" "Ready." "Allright." "Cheers." "Cheers." "One more." "One more." "One more." "One more..." "One more?" "Yes." "One more!" "We ready?" "Ready?" "Allright." "Once again." "Go." "Fabulous!" "Okay." "Whoo!" "Wait." "What... what?" "I have something." "You're kidding, right?" "Why would I be kidding?" "Well... because... you're a man..." "Y'know?" "You got the real thing." "That's not... that's not how I want to make love to you." "That's how I want you to, okay?" "But it goes against who I am." "Listen." "You're a man..." "You're a man named Lisa,... but you're definitely a man." "I'm a lesbian... man..." "Dana's really gettin' down with her bad self." "Yeah, and I bet her bad self's gonna feel real bad in the morning." "How are you holding up?" "Mm, not so good..." "I'm on the 12-step program for people who are addicted to domesticity." "Oh, my god." "What?" "What's the matter?" "What?" "I - no, no, no..." "No, don't do this.!" "What..." "What... but you... you had a good time!" "Here." "Quick..." "Slip under my cloak of boringness..." "No one will even notice we're gone." "Hang in there." "I got you." "Here's your hot milk and honey, if you still want it." "I love you." "Love you too." "And I think that you're the most exciting woman in all of Los Angeles.." "Mm." "Baby, will you turn off the light?" "Hey you guys, where are Bette and Tina?" "Boring." "Yeah." "So boring." "I don't know..." "You know, I've been thinking about it." "What's more boring, right?" "You can make endless lists..." "You can bawl your head off, and puke over the side of the boat..." "Or you get to go home." "You get to sleep with the same person you've been in love with for 7 years." "I don't know." "Hey." "Shane..." "Hey, hey, hey." "Shane." "Shane, please." "Down!" "Down." "You're freaking me out, get down!" "Oof!" "Okay, I'm coming." "Wakey, wakey!" "Jesus fucking Christ, what happened to you?" "I got food poisoning." "Oh God!" "..." "Yeah, tell what's-her-name to do you sober the night before a photo shoot." "Is she up there?" "No, she - uh..." "I'll go get ready." "Yeah, make yourself presentable..." "Makeup artists will do the rest." "They work wonders, professional makeup people." "Remember Gia?" "Twenty... c'mon, 5 more, don't give up..." "How are you ever gonna get those buns of steel?" "I don't want buns of steel." "Shoot, I'll take 'em..." "As long as I don't have to strap on that torture treatment!" "You know these girls liked their strap-ons." "Shut up, Harrison!" "Oh no, you didn't say that!" "And... done!" "Come on, let's stretch." "What's up?" "I was wondering... what are you doing tonight?" "A lot of paperwork." "Why?" "David called me the other day..." "Okay." "So I'll leave you guys to it." "Um... same time tomorrow?" "Yeah." "Good job." "Thanks." "Bye." "Did you know he was gonna call me?" "Dad said he might." "Don't be angry with me..." "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to get your hopes up... in case he didn't..." "But that's bullshit!" "This whole charade about him calling me because Melvin says it's alright?" "Y'know, it - it - it - it's bullshit!" "I'm sorry you feel that way." "I..." "I told him I would meet him tonight at 6 at his hotel." "I'm so scared..." "Would you come with me?" "I'll pick you up at 5:30." "What are you thinking?" "I'm thinking that I'm very happy." "You are?" "Yeah." "And I can't believe that I'm so happy,... while Tim hurts so much." "Well, you deserve to be happy." "You know, I have my, um, journals and my computer... at Tim's..." "And I was wondering if I could bring... them here 'cause they wouldn't take up a lot of space." "You wanna bring them here?" "Yes." "No, I'm not saying that I wanna move in with you,... and it would be just for a couple of days,... but I feel like I should be writing right now..." "I would feel honored." "I think I could..." "You should move here." "No..." "Really?" "'Cause it's beautiful the way your - the light is coming in through the windows" "I feel very inspired." "You do?" "I do." "Yes, you could, um... you could write on the desk..." "Yes." "...and looking over at the canals," "Yes." "And, uh, you could write great works of literature that... would go down history..." "Yes." "Don't you wish there was a parallel universe?" "Parallel universe?" "Yeah." "Where we could live out this... fantasy?" "Oh..." "Y'know, it wouldn't be for more than a week..." "'Cause I... can't stay at Tim's anymore,... and it would just be until..." "I, um..." "I guess I have to find..." "I would love to." "I would love to." "Tu adorerais?" "Mm, yes." "Yes..." "But Francesca's coming back tomorrow." "Francesca?" "Yeah." "She was, uh, in Rome, doing a ballet, and then 4 months in Budapest..." "And then... oh, doing a movie." "Who is Francesca?" "Francesca." "You know, I told you." "Everybody knows." "No." "I don't know." "Where are you going?" "Jenny, this is not the solution,... we have to talk about this..." "You have to understand the difference between you and I..." "Francesca and I... it's so different..." "She travels 4 to 5 months a year..." "She's a costume designer." "What's her last name?" "Wolff." "With 2 f's." "Who are you?" "Someone who cares about you." "You'll find that your life is richer, more full of possibilities and choices..." "I've opened up your world." "Fuck you." "Jenny..." "Don't!" "Don't touch me." "That's great Dana, you look amazing!" "Look out Kournikova, here comes Dana Fairbanks!" "I don't think we should sit at the bar." "Don't be ridiculous..." "I'm not gonna drink tonight." "Tonight?" "Come on." "Tell me something." "When was the last time, you saw me shitfaced?" "That's not the point." "No, the point is that you and David have been brainwashed by Melvin... into thinking that I'm some kind of a falling down drunk." "I got it under control." "What can I get you ladies?" "I'll have a mineral water please." "I'm sorry, I will have the same thing also." "Oh - better yet, I'll have a seltzer!" "How about a squirt of Rose's Lime in that?" "Mm, sure." "I was having a drink, the other night when David called..." "And I haven't had one since." "It's been 2 days." "I'm gonna try." "Well, that's good, at least you're trying." "How do you do it?" "What, drinking?" "I just - it's easy for me, I have no desire to drink." "No, I mean, how do you... how do you keep it all together?" "I mean, you got it all down..." "Career, love..." "Look at you, now you're gonna have a family!" "What?" "Is - is something wrong with Tina?" "Is everything okay?" "What, what?" "No, no, everything's fine,..." "Tina's fine, everything's great." "You sure?" "Yeah, I just" " I, you know..." "I have some things on my mind,... but it's nothing." "I know what it is..." "You're having the daddy blues." "You are worrying about all the responsibilities coming down on you,... the financial responsibilities, the 'I can't take anymore risk'- responsibilities..." "'Cause now there are two other lives that are totally dependent on you keeping everything together." "It's a monster, it's big." "Yeah, it is." "I'm sure..." "I'm sure that's all it is." "Sure it is!" "Cause you and Tina are solid..." "You've got a marriage like God chose you two to find each other,... and that's a love you never wanna let go." "I've gotta go to the bathroom." "I'll be right back." "You are making one big production outta all that." "Just want you to get your money's worth." "Enjoy." "Score, baby!" "That, was amazing..." "It was really great, really." "Thank you." "Thanks very much." "Really." "Hey, do you guys wanna see the preliminary art?" "Yeah." "Super, I got mockups right over here." "Ah, great." "Okay." "Check these out." "This is the one we like best." "See, our concept is, uh, we wanna position... you as the gay Anna Kournikova." "What?" "The gay Anna Kournikova." "Hold..." "Hold on a second here, guys." "Hold on a second here, guys." "What are you - what are you talking about?" "... his is not something we discussed." "I don't" " I don't think that..." "I love it." "I love it!" "I wanna be the gay Anna Kournikova." "I do!" "Well, that's great!" "It's settled then." "This is brilliant..." "Wait a second, this is brilliant!" "This is - this is exactly the... the kind of thing we've been groping for..." "It's like - it's a hook!" "You guys!" "That's why they're paying you the big bucks." "Right?" "Well, I don't know about that.." "Fantastic..." "Right, babe?" "You're fired." "Get outta here!" "No, really." "You're fired." "Thank you so much..." "Thank you so much, you've no idea... how good this feels!" "What time do you have?" "Seven." "Maybe he got held up at his meeting..." "What time did he say he was gonna finish...?" "It was 4 o'clock." "That's not him, Kit." "Okay, what did you say his name was?" ".i" "David Waters." "Waters, right..." "Here he is." "David Waters checked out about... 45minutes ago." "Are you sure?" "Yes." "He's about 25 years old..." "Six feet tall, give or take, in a tan suit?" "I remember him,..." "I checked him out myself..." "I saw him get into a cab in fact." "I'm sure there's been a misunderstanding..." "We'll call him..." "Do you want me to call him?" "I have his number in DC." "No." "You have no reason to be kind to me..." "But I need to stay in my writing studio tonight." "Why?" "What happened?" "Tim, please..." "Believe me when I say that I wish that none of this had ever happened." "Jenny." "The things you say?" "..." "Have absolutely no meaning to me." "One night." "That's it." "Go around the back." "Original transcript by Steph (taurodea@fastmail. fm)/timing by ginnie"