"PAUL:" "Yeah, you want to put it up a couple of inches on your side, love." "Okeydokey." "You really think anyone's gonna pay to see this rich nancy sing show tunes?" "I wouldn't." "He gives me the creeps." "He keeps wanting to spoon-feed me, and then making these weird airplane noises." "We should just leave, all of us, join a new show." "Penny, do you really think if there wasn't another option, some other freak show out there," "I wouldn't take you away in an instant?" "There's nowhere to go." "Our world is dying, sweetheart." "This is the end of the line." "But we've got to eat, and that kid's got money pouring out of his ears." "I say we let him keep feeding us until that lemon runs out of juice." "DANDY:" "No, no, no!" "Turn it off!" "I told you a million trillion times, the blue light is for "Night and Day."" "Blue symbolizes night." "For "Anything Goes,"" "I need the magenta light to accentuate my spirited rendition." "(groans)" "I'm surrounded by amateurs." "Ah, flipper boy!" "You're back, as you hanged the banner in clear view for all to see." "Yes, sir, just as instructed." "Good, good." "How many tickets have we sold?" "Um, well, as of this time, none... quite yet." "You haven't sold a single ticket?" "Well, we only put out the banner half an hour ago." "The town hasn't gotten wind of your new act." "I don't understand." "You must have done something wrong." "Sir, this is quite typical." "You haven't got a lot of experience in this sort of thing, but you'll see." "You think you're so smart." "You don't know anything, you stupid freak." "He's only trying to help." "Oh, shut up, you ugly cow." "No one cares what you think, any of you." "I'm in charge here, and I say it's your fault." "Obviously, no one's coming to the show because you are boring." "The town has had their fill of your mediocre oddities." "The thrill is gone." "You're yesterday's news." "Audiences want a new type of freak." "Something different." "Maybe I need to give you all some new, startling look." "I think a pair of horns would be quite attractive on you." "Don't you touch her." "This is my show!" "I'll do whatever I want!" "That's is, mister." "(groans)" "You hurt me." "I was willing to eat shit to keep this place going, but I'd rather starve than listen to your whiny voice one more time." "No one wants to see some pretentious prick prancing around on the stage, and no one gives a shit about bloody Cole Porter." "Hey." "You think you're special." "Your mum probably told you all your life." "Well, I've got news for you." "I've heard you sing, and you're not special." "You're rubbish." "Even worse, you're boring." "(laughter)" "And we don't trade in boring." "We're freaks." "You'll never be one of us," "And you don't own us!" "We quit." "♪ ♪" "(music playing over P.A.)" "(sighs)" "Elsa Mars to see Mr. Henry V. Gable." "Ms. Mars, Mr. Gable is the president of the World Broadcasting Network." "He is overseeing over 12 weekly hours of programming, not including the news." "He only sees people by appointment, and today, like yesterday and the day before, you don't have one." "Look, my darling," "I have some new headshots." "Why don't you leave me the picture and a contact number, and I'll be sure he calls you as soon as he sees them." "No." "I'll wait." "♪ ♪" "(music switches off)" "What is this, huh?" "Where is Mr. Gable?" "I did not see him pass through." "And I would know him from his picture in the trades." "He went out the back to avoid you." "And you let me sit here, like a fool, all day?" "What kind of a place is this?" "Hollywood." "If you ask me, change your act." "Marlene did it better." "No!" "No!" "No!" "Let go of me!" "Leave her be." "I need to see him!" "Leave her be!" "No!" "What is going on?" "This crazy German broad has been coming in all week to see Mr. Gable without an appointment." "She finally lost it." "(crying) What is your name?" "My name is Elsa Mars." "I'm Michael Beck." "(softly):" "Previously Michael Beckenbauer." "Hollywood's funny about German surnames." " They're afraid you are Nazi." " Of course." "Communist." "(chuckles)" "Mr. Michael Beck... yours is the first... kind face I've seen in months." "What do you do here?" "Junior Vice President of Casting." "(sighs)" "(sighs)" "Showtime." "(humming softly)" "(continues humming)" "We need to talk about our last week's pay." "(gunshot)" "(gasps)" "(humming continues)" "(panting)" "(footsteps approaching)" "(humming continues)" "(cocking gun)" "(gunshot)" "(radio playing distantly)" "(humming continues)" "(popcorn popping)" "(radio continues playing)" "(humming continues)" "(clang, cries out)" "(gunshot)" "(sighs)" "(humming resumes)" "(gunshot)" "(gunshots)" "(groaning)" "(gunshot)" "(gunshot)" "(door closes)" "(door creaks, bangs on wall)" "(quiet gasping)" "(yells angrily)" "(yells angrily)" "(slow footsteps)" "(yelling, grunting)" "(gunshot) (whimpers)" "Oh... (sighs heavily)" "(door creaks, thuds)" "(yells angrily)" "(yells angrily)" "(panting)" "(muffled):" "Oh, please, Dandy... (sobbing):" "Oh, please, no..." "No, no, no..." "(rapid, anxious gasping)" "Come with me." "(crickets chirping)" "(panting)" "Elsa?" "Elsa!" "Hello?" "Anybody home?" "Hey!" "(echoing):" "No!" "(grunts)" "(sobs quietly)" "Oh, God..." "(sobbing)" "(gentle melody plays on harp)" "♪ ♪" "(flute joins in)" "FATHER KELLY:" "Do you, Bette Tattler, take Dandy Mott to be your lawful wedded husband?" "My faithful partner in life... and my one, true love." "DANDY:" "In sickness and in health, in joy and sorrow, through the good times and the bad, till death do us part." "FATHER KELLY:" "Uh, you may kiss the bride." "Mrs. Mott." "Who could ever have imagined it?" "Are you happy for your sister, Dot?" "Of course." "I'd hate for you to feel like a third wheel." "Especially on our wedding night." "Bette and I have talked about this." "We both agree you should have your privacy." "It's an old trick, I've been doing it since we were little." "I just leave my body." "Well, I'd like to think you'd want to join us, from time to time..." "You know, our revels." "Do bare in mind, Dot, I can... get very nasty if my manhood is compromised." "A stallion demands a certain respect from all his mares." "First things first." "We have prepared a gorgeous wedding feast of all of your favorites." "The housekeeper we hired, she's a French-trained cook." "(both giggling)" "I do believe I am the luckiest man alive right now." "And I, the luckiest woman." "BETTE:" "To my new... wonderful husband." "To our wonderful new husband." "Cheers." "We are going to have the most splendid life, girls." "You'll see." "And on our honeymoon safari," "I'll hunt the biggest cats and skin them up for rugs." "Maybe our children will romp around on them someday." "How many children are you proposing, Mr. Mott?" "A whole lot of 'em." "(laughing)" "I've always found babies to be so boring, but freak babies... oh..." "Do you think we might even make a three-headed girl?" "We can certainly try." "Every day, up in the playroom, we'll put on our very own freak show!" "(groans, sighs)" "(echoing):" "Are you feeling all right, Dandy?" "The excitement seems to have gone straight to my head." "(echoing):" "Well, don't get too excited." "We're just getting started." "Maid, you're very poorly trained." "You're not allowed to sit at the table with us." "I ain't no maid." "Mm, ring any bells?" "I know we all look alike to you." "What's going on?" "Wedding night's been cancelled." "You've been had." "BETTE:" "Did you honestly think, for one second, that we'd lay with you, in your bed, after you massacred our entire family?" "But I was going to... give you everything I have!" "We don't want your blood money." "Bette... you said you loved me." "And promised til death do us apart." "Your death can't come soon enough." "But... but I believed you." "My sister is truly a great actress." "Bette Davis couldn't have given a more convincing performance." "(Dandy gasps)" "You put something in my bubbly." "(gunshot, Dandy screams)" "That's mine!" "Sit down, Dandy." "Sit down!" "(groaning)" "DESIREE:" "I think it's time for the next course." "Butler!" "You... how did you get in my house?" "I had some help." "Oh, Dandy, how wonderful." "Thank you." "Of course." "DANDY:" "Um... extra caviar." "That's Bette's." "Dandy..." "Hmm?" "where are our beverages?" "Drat, the lemonade." "Be right back with it." "What is this?" "You're finally gonna be a part of the show." "The goddamn star attraction." "Night-night, Dandy." "(water dripping)" "(head thumps)" "Let me out of here!" "Immediately!" "I do not like confined spaces!" "DESIREE:" "Don't you know where you are, baby?" "This is Hardeen" "Houdini's famous escape tank." "Can't we just cut his balls off?" "We're carny folk." "Showmen." "It's gotta be theatrical." "It's what Ma would've wanted." "DESIREE:" "Once you're in... the only way out is to escape." "JIMMY:" "You wanted to be the star of the show-- here's your chance, big shot." "I'm not an escape artist." "I'm a song-and-dance man!" "You're a murderer!" "You killed our family-- shot 'em dead in the dirt." "Those were good people!" "I'm good people, too!" "I was just doing what God put me on this earth to do." "You ca... you..." "you can't punish a man for fulfilling his purpose!" "Please... please... my darlings..." "I forgive you for all of this." "Marriage is hard, but I love you." "Please just let me out of here, and let's go home." "Please." "I want to go home." "DOT:" "Well, you're about to go home." "Right down to hell." "Bette, you of all people know my heart." "I hate you." "I hate you!" "For taking my friends from me!" "I felt so blessed to finally have friends." "And you took them all." "DESIREE:" "A lot of freaks died on these cursed grounds." "Some by your hand and some not." "A man came through here and started putting our kind in glass jars." "Filled up a museum with our kind." "Saw it with my own eyes!" "That's where you think freaks belong-- powerless, behind glass, a human car crash to stare at and remind you how lucky you are." "(knob creaks)" "Well, maybe that's true." "Maybe that's all we are, but let me tell you this, pretty boy." "You may look like a motion picture dreamboat, but you are the biggest freak of them all." "(yelling)" "(grunts)" "Please!" "I'll give you money." "I have so much money." "Assholes like you think you can get away with anything." "But I can't die!" "You see, I'm immortal!" "You are going to die!" "We sentence you and your whole rotten world to death." "Look at us." "We will always win, because we'll always defend each other to the death." "You want to know why?" "Because we have no one else to turn to." "The freaks shall inherit the earth." "(yells)" "(grunting)" "(yelling)" "(yelling continues)" "Please!" "Please!" "(sobbing)" "I hate you!" "I hate you!" "I hate you!" "I hate you!" "I hate you!" "(chuckles)" "(gasping)" "(muffled yelling)" "Heck of a show." "That boy is a star." "(movie projector clicking, fanfare playing)" "ANNOUNCER:" "Every little girl dreams of becoming a Hollywood star, and now thanks to the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce, the ones that make it to the top will have their names etched into the very streets of this magical town." "Welcome to the newly created Hollywood Walk of Fame in Los Angeles, California." "Today, we're honoring the Queen of Friday Night," "Miss Elsa Mars-- winner of three Emmy awards for her groundbreaking variety show The Elsa Mars Hour, a program which has bravely expanded the notion of what television can be." "And we mustn't forget she's a recording star with three gold albums honoring her German heritage:" "Ich Bin Elsa Mars, Du Bist Mein Baby, and her holiday favorite, Merry Christmas, Knuddelmaus." "Of course, no woman's life would be complete without a wonderful man by her side:" "her husband and longtime manager Michael Beck, whom she married in a private ceremony at her palatial home in Beverly Hills." "There are Elsa's beloved spaniels," "Showbiz and Box Office-- a gift from Michael." "With all her many honors, Elsa Mars can now add a star, on the Hollywood Walk of Fame." "(fanfare ends)" "I adore being the star of The Elsa Mars Hour." "I mean, who wouldn't love having their own TV show, surrounded by such talent?" "Especially my own real-life cowboy and personal manager," "Michael "Mr. Hollywood" Beck." "But being a television star is a lot of hard work." "So is wrangling that star!" "And that's why we drink Campfire Gold instant coffee." "Mmm." "Because... herding cattle isn't the only hard work..." "Cut!" "(bell rings)" "This is shite!" "This is shite!" "Pure shite!" "Where are the writers?" "Huh?" "The writers!" "Are you hiding?" "I shouldn't blame you..." "MICHAEL:" "Darling, it's a coffee commercial." "Just say the damn words and move on?" "First of all, this coffee tastes like piss." "But why would you paint me as some dumb, headstrong animal that my husband has to wrangle?" "Huh?" "I mean, where is the charm?" "Now, go work on it for a while!" "I'll be in my dressing room." "Scheisse!" "(door opens) MICHAEL:" "Knock knock, darling." "There's someone to see you." "Naughty you, demeaning your wife in front of the world." "Was that amusing for you?" "We're working hard to try and find something that'll please you." "In the meantime, remember Judy Manners?" "VP of publicity for the network?" "She wants to discuss promotion for the Halloween show." "You're joking, aren't you?" "We'd like to do a spread for Parade Magazine-- you two at home, carving pumpkins, maybe baking some pfeffernusse cookies for the trick-or-treaters." "What my pussy of a husband has neglected to tell you is there will be no Halloween show." "I never perform on Halloween." "You're contractually" " obligated to do three specials a year." " I said" "I will not perform on Halloween." "Darling, they've booked Andy Williams." "Imagine you two singing" ""Autumn Leaves" in matching pumpkin suits" "America will lap it up." "(short laugh)" "You know, when I first met him, he was some junior so-and-so, hanging out in the lobby of the studio." "I made him my manager." "And then..." "I made the colossal mistake of marrying him." "And now he thinks he knows better than I what my audience wants." "I live to serve." "There will be no Halloween show." "You got that, chickies?" "Where are you going?" "I have a luncheon engagement... at home." "(door closes)" "Tell me-- what have you been doing since Florida?" "I'm sorry that I had to run off the way I did, but... you know my motto:" "always leave them wanting more." "I left when you left." "Please, let's sit." "I went to, uh, Nevada." "Nevada?" "Ah." "Thank you." "Uh, the army, uh, they wanted carpenters, uh, that they could, uh, use to build villages, uh, to blow up with their atomic bombs." "It took us ages to build these towns and then-- boom!" "Gone." "In a flash." "Ridicolo!" "(short chuckle)" "Yes, I know what that's like." "Elsa." "Hmm?" "I have seen your star ascend." "(grunts)" "MASSIMO:" "If I would have told you, as you lay in my workshop in Berlin that all this was soon to come, you would have said that I was mad." "Now look at you." "You have everything you ever wanted." "Huh?" "I'm bored." "And I am alone." "All my friends are on the payroll." "They say yes to anything I ask because they know if they don't, they will be cast out of the paradise known as" ""The Elsa Mars Hour"." "My husband cheats on me." "I cheat on him." "No, Massimo," "I have always, always, always been cursed." "First by... having my dreams ripped away." "And now I am cursed by having them all come true." "Oh, you are tired, uh, exhausted." "That is all." "Eight years ago my best friend made me a birthday cake." "That night, when she and I sat over my candle, my birthday wish was plain and simple." "I just wanted to be loved." "Little did I know that every step that I would take since then would be one step further away from making that wish... come true." "_" "Let's run away together." "Yes." "Like we talked about in the old days." "Do you remember?" "We could find an apartment in Rome on the Appian Way." "(chuckling)" "Refresh my Italian, no?" "Get good and fat, grow old together." "Please." "I just..." "I need to be with someone I love." "Um, Elsa, now I am cursed... with a dream that comes too late." "I came to... to say good-bye." "I, uh..." "I have a disease in my lungs, uh, that has gone into my bones." "Uh, they say that I only have a month." "(exclaims)" "And then I will be gone." "And now there will be no one left, huh?" "(sniffles)" "(door opens) MICHAEL:" "Elsa?" "(door closes)" "Leave me alone, Michael, I'm drinking." "Hello, Elsa." "(short chuckle)" "You should have called, huh?" "I did not know you were bringing Mr. Gable home with you." "I do hope the head of the network didn't come all the way out here to talk to me about the Halloween show, because..." "I've made up my mind and I am not going to do it." "This isn't about Halloween, Elsa." "No?" "(giggles)" "This sounds serious." "Can I get you a drink, Mr. Gable?" "Could definitely use one." "Now, why don't you tell me what this is all about?" "It seems Hedda Hopper got her hands on some eight millimeter films you shot back in Germany." "The content-- how can I put this?" " is quite graphic in nature." "I don't know." "Fakes, forgeries?" "It's not me." "It looked a lot like you, Elsa." "You've seen them?" "GABLE:" "Just now." "Mr. Chandler over at the Times is a close personal friend." "He gave us a private screening." "No one's gonna believe it's not you." "You told me you lost your legs in a rail accident." "You lied to me?" "That's what we do." "We lie to each other." "This whole marriage is one stinking, stupid, ugly lie!" "I'll pack my things." "Mr. Gable, we can fix this, right?" "I mean..." "I mean, everybody has a price, right?" "We tried to reason with Miss Hopper." "She won't have it." "She's publishing her article next week." "But that will ruin me." "I'll become..." "(chuckles lightly) just some... bizarre footnote in Hollywood history." " There's one more thing." " What?" "Hopper hired some amateur sleuth to retrace your steps." "Which led back to Jupiter, Florida." "Apparently, you ran a freak show." "Yes." "For a short time." "It was an act of charity." "I just, uh..." "I felt sorry for them." "Sorry?" "(laughs)" "They're all dead." "What?" "All of them?" "There was some kind of massacre." "Bodies found in a mass grave." "I don't know if you read the fine print in your contract, but there's a morals clause." "Obviously, we'll pay out your contract." "I've changed my mind." "About what?" "I will perform on Halloween." "Why not?" "(chuckles)" "Might as well go out with a bang." "Places, everyone." "Elsa Mars' Halloween Spooktacular." "And we are on in five, four, three, two... (applause)" "(David Bowie's "Heroes" begins)" "♪ I... ♪" "♪ I wish you could swim ♪" "♪ Like the dolphins ♪" "♪ Like dolphins can swim ♪" "♪ Though nothing ♪" "♪ Nothing will keep us together ♪" "♪ We can beat them ♪" "♪ Forever and ever ♪" "♪ Oh, we can be heroes ♪" "♪ Just for one day ♪" "DESIREE:" "Boys, hold on to your daddy's hand." "Hey, hey, come back here." "Give me your hand." "All right, give me your hand." "What are you looking at, wife?" "TV we got at home is just fine." "Everything we got at home is just fine." "JIMMY:" "You got to give it to her, the old broad's got guts." "♪ Will drive them away ♪" "♪ We can be heroes ♪" "BETTE:" "We've got it." "♪ Just for a day ♪" "How are my girls feeling?" "Just fine." "All of us." "♪ I... ♪" "♪ I can remember ♪" "♪ Standing ♪" "I feel like I've seen this act before." "♪ And the guns ♪" "♪ Shot above our head ♪" "♪ And we kissed ♪" "♪ As though nothing could fall ♪" "♪ And the shame ♪" "♪ Was on the other side ♪" "♪ Oh, we can beat them ♪" "♪ Forever and ever ♪" "♪ And we could be heroes ♪" "No, no, no, the mist doesn't come up until the goblin sketch." "What the hell?" "Why did she stop singing?" "Ever since I heard your story," "I have not forgotten the black soul that was once within my grasp." "Take me now." "This is a suicide." "How deep your pain must be, my lovely." "I am the biggest freak of all." "Elsa, what are you doing?" "The day of reckoning is here." "It hurts, but only for a moment." "(whooshing)" "Your place is not with us." "(whooshing)" "♪ ♪" "(whooshing)" "Welcome, Miss Elsa." "I missed you." "(gasps) Oh!" "Ma Petite." "My special one." "Can it really, really be you?" "It really is me." "It is." "Hey, Elsa." "PAUL:" "You look wonderful tonight, Elsa." "It's good to have you back." "We got married." "ETHEL:" "I'll take it from here." "You go get your face on." "Okay, Miss Ethel." "(sighs)" "I don't understand." "Where is this place?" "Ethel?" "The sins of the living don't add up to much around here." "In life, we play the parts we're cast in." "But don't I have to pay?" "I mean, don't I have to pay for my sins?" "For all the mistakes I've made?" "Can you imagine the police showing up at the Old Globe and arresting the guy playing Othello for murdering Desdemona?" "Besides, it's like you always said, sweetheart." "Stars never pay." "It ain't so bad around here, you know?" "Full house every night." "Family together." "The only downside has been, you know, we've been missing our headliner." "Am I to perform?" "Now?" "Well, what the hell else are you supposed to do?" "You're a terrible friend, you're a pain-in-the-ass boss, you can't cook for shit." "(footsteps approaching)" "All ready." "♪ ♪" "(gasps)" "(loud, indistinct chatter)" "(drumroll)" "(cymbal crash) Ladies and gentlemen." "Children of all ages." "You have all looked up at the night sky and seen the sparkle of millions of dead stars." "They flickered out centuries ago, and only now does their light reach our eyes." "But have you ever wondered when they were alive and burning, which one shined the brightest?" "Well, tonight, right here on this stage," "I'm gonna give you an answer to that question." "Tonight, you will see the brightest and the best that ever was and ever will be." "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you" "Miss Elsa Mars!" "(muffled applause)" "(whooping, whistling, applause and cheering)" "(muffled applause, cheering and whistling)" "(gentle piano intro plays)" "(muffled applause continues)" "♪ ♪"