"Thank you." " Are you reading section A?" " Yeah." " Why don't you read the Metro section?" " That's section B." "Right." " Honey, do you want this?" " No, ' wait." "Okay, you know the newspaper doesn't have a pot, right?" "Not in the traditional sense, but I think when you're reading section D, Opinion they assume you've aready read sections A, B and C and are up-to-date on current events." " I love you." " I know that." "No, 'm just reminding mysef." "Heo." "Oh, hey, Pete, what's up?" "Does Greg wanna go see the 49ers today?" "No, don't think so." "I think he would want to see the 1 ers through the 48ers first." "Okay, give me the..." "Give me that." "Yeah!" "Oh, God." "Great seats, Pete." "Thank my new girlfriend, Stacey." "They're her season tickets." "Don't touch me." "I told you not to touch me." "We got some problems to work out." "But she's got season tickets." " Hit him." " Hit him." "Yeah." " That's gotta hurt." " Guys, he is a human being." "No, he's not." "He's a Denver Bronco." " Look, honey, it's just a game." " No, it's..." "Greg, games have a point." "Like Frisbee golf, or Hacky Sack, or High Ho, Your Hat's on Wrong." "No, no." "Okay, ook, here's how it works." "Each team has four tries to move the ball 10 yards." "Why don't they move it a at once?" "Because the other team is trying to stop them." "Now, look." "Okay, we have the ball..." " What do you mean, "we"?" " Us." "San Francisco." " That's us down there?" " Yes." "So they don't buy into the us-and-them duality?" "Not to my knowledge." "Now, watch what we're gonna do here." "He's giving him the ba, and then everybody's gonna try and stop him and they did." " So we lose?" " No, no, no, we try again." "Just like you're aways saying:" ""Faiure is the compost in which we grow success."" " And they believe that?" " Yes, they do." "Steve Young, our quarterback, he's gonna throw the ba and he caught it." " Now what?" " Yeah, he's gonna run." "He's gonna run!" " Run!" " Run!" "Run!" "Run!" "Touchdown!" " Touchdown San Francisco." " Yeah!" "Yeah, baby!" " Got a hug." "That's great." " Yeah." "Oh, ook, he's dancing." " Now what?" " First, we kick the ball for an extra point." "Good, we want extra points." "Then what?" "Will there be more dancing?" "No, no, then Denver gets a chance to try and score against us." "Why?" "Why don't we just stop now that we're ahead?" "T's good." " What happened?" " We made the extra point." "Hey, what about my hug?" "Yeah." "Oh, God, what have I done?" "Go Niners!" " Hello." " Oh, hey!" " You're just in time." " What you doing?" "Watching football." "Did you know there's footba on Monday nights?" " Yeah." "Who are all these people?" " These are our friends from the game." "Bob and Barney and the Monahan brothers, and Clarice and her mom Audry and, of course, Hector." "Come on, sit down." "I made nachos and there's penty of beer." "And, of course, we're rooting against Minnesota." "Why?" "Hello." "So the 49ers can maintain home-field advantage in the playoffs." "How do you know this?" "Okay, in interdivisional playoffs, the team with the best record maintains home-field advantage." "All rules are on the NFL website." "You were on the NFL website?" "Our cable was out, and coudn't watch ESPN." "I thought I was gonna die." "Honey, we need to talk." "Honey, why do you always wanna tak to me when footba's on?" "Come on." "Come on." "Don't you think you've gone overboard with this?" "Greg, growing up, all organized sports especially football, were strictly forbidden." "I had no idea how much fun it was to be part of something bigger than yourself to be a fan, to be..." "How is that not pass interference?" "He was all over that guy like brown on rice." " 'M gonna go get a beer." " Okay, who else wants a beer?" " I do." " ' Take one." "Just bring the whole case." "And Audry's drinking Zima." "So your weekends are spent drinking beer and watching football with your wife?" "Yes." "No." "Dad, she's obsessed with the game." "And it's not just her beoved 49ers she's now watching coege footba scouting for her beloved 49ers." "'M sorry, just don't know what you're compaining about." "I spend my weekends at antique stores with your mother looking for pots that Louis XIV peed in." "Gregory, 've bent over backwards trying not to interfere in your personal life." "However, I insist you get a divorce." "What is it, Mother?" "I can tolerate her crying when I order rabbit at a restaurant." "What is it, Mother?" "Didn't say anything when she took $2000 worth of Japanese koi fish and released them into Lake Tahoe singing "Born Free."" " Mother..." " I grinned like a monkey when her third bridesmaid was an unusually ugly man in drag." "Why don't just go ook?" "His hands were so enormous you coudn't even see the fowers." "You don't know jack about footba, sweetheart." "Dharma?" "Dharma." "Excuse me." "You know he's the Episcopa archbishop of San Francisco?" "Don't care if he's the pope of the Milky Way." "No one badmouths my Niners to my face." "All I said was the diocese is blessed having two wonderful teams San Francisco and Oakland." "Take it back, Padre." "Come on, Dharma." "Make him take it back." "Walk it off." " Honey?" " Hey." "Why is there a bed sheet hanging out our window that says:" ""Motown Shmotown"?" "Because we're paying Detroit today." "Here, check this out." "Check it out." "Ready?" ""Ove Niners."" "But." ""Cub Lions."" "Was gonna say, "spade Lions."" "But for mae, it's "neuter," so I ran into a logic problem." " Come here, help me decide something." " Okay." "Okay, you know how Green Bay has those big cheese hats?" "And Dallas has the big cowboy hats?" "Well, San Francisco doesn't have any coo hats." "So..." "What do you think?" "San Francisco dunces?" "T's the Transamerica buiding." "No?" "How about this?" "Is that Alcatraz?" "Third choice." " T's big." " I know." "Watch." "'M reay hoping my seat's near an outet." "You're going to the game?" " I thought it was sold out." " I did too." "Honey, do you know about scalpers?" "How much did you pay?" "More than groceries, less than rent." "The game's gonna be on teevision." "You coud've watched it from here." "No, Greg, they need me there." "Remember what you said?" " That's us down there on the fied." " Know that's what said, but..." "And last week they went to Baltimore, and wasn't there and they ost." "To Baltimore." "Need a bigger sign?" "Does it have to start raining frogs?" "No, no, it doesn't have to start raining..." "Dharma... 'm sorry, don't have time to tak now." "Oh, can you please go to the store and get some beer and some chips because 'm having section D over for a victory party." "Section D?" "Okay, you'd probaby have A, B and C over first but D is where we sit." " Touchdown San Francisco." " Yeah." "And there's the 49ers super fan again." "She's quickly becoming a tradition here with her special touchdown celebration." "You know, I think her field-goal dance is better than her touchdown dance." "' Et her know." "And they miss the extra point." "Bob, is she crying?" " think the super fan is crying." "What time is it?" "Honey, it's 4 in the morning." "Go back to sleep." " Where are you going?" " Football game." " Now?" " We're paying in Chicago." "Chicago?" "Hello." "Hi." " Put your hat on." " How's it going?" "Don't want to." " Why?" " Because don't wanna die." "What's the point of coming if you're not gonna root?" "To keep you from dying." "All right!" "Hey, Bears, you're paying so bady I can hardly bear it!" "You guys are barely a football team!" "F were you, 'd be embarrassed!" "Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name." "Go, Niners!" "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as in heaven." "Hey, a little help." "Plug it in." "Thanks." "As we forgive those who trespass against us." "'M ready." " Dharma, can't do this." " Sure you can." "No, can't." "Don't ask me why draw the ine here, but this is just too kinky." "You didn't even put the back stuff on under your eyes." "Look, Dharma, I think we have a problem." "Know your pants don't have a fy." "Don't worry, have a pan for that." "No, no, I was talking about you." " Oh, this just slips right off." " No..." "No, I think your enthusiasm for the game has gotten way out of control." "How can you say that?" "Dharma, look at me." " When did we get this?" " I know, I found it in a dumpster." "Can you believe somebody threw that out?" "Dharma, do you think you can go a week without watching a game?" "Absolutely." "I mean, I went my whole life without watching football." "Mean, you've watched hundreds more games than me." "Mean..." "Maybe you're the one with the problem." "Did you ever think of that?" "Fine, et's both stop watching footba for a while." "Fine, after Monday night, no more football." "No, no, et's start with Monday night." "But the ever-dangerous Buffalo Bills are coming into town." "Made the -can't-beieve-they're-not- buffalo burgers for the tailgate party." "We should have your parents over." "You haven't seen them in a whie." " They hate football." " No, but they love you." "Yeah, yeah, I love them too." "Dharma, please?" "For me?" "Okay." " But I could really use a hug right now." " Sure." "Okay, now how about a hug with the helmet on?" "These patties are delicious, Dharma." "Even if I had had buffalo, woudn't beieve they weren't buffao." "This isn't buffao?" "Can't beieve it." "Hey." "Hey, Jane." "How's it going cooking dinner for your new boyfriend, Bill?" " Not so good." " I had a feeling." "So you don't need to borrow anything?" "No." "I almost needed to borrow seven more eggs but Bill knocked the recipe out of my hands like this far from the stove." "So all you need is the 10 cups of sugar and the seven eggs from before?" "Yep." "Ten cups of sugar, seven eggs." "Well, better be back to cooking my dinner." "' Be haf through in two minutes." "Why does she need that much sugar and eggs?" "Come on, Abby, we've a been there." "Well, here we are all of us together enjoying a nice meal on a Monday night." "Hey, who would like some tea?" " Yeah." " That'd be great, Dharma." " Would you put some water on, Greg?" " Sure." "Thanks." "Abby, you like honey in your tea, right?" "Yes, thank you." "We're out." "' Have to go get some." "No, Dharma, it's not that important." "Abby, you birthed me, you raised me you' get honey." "Did you ever get the feeling that there's something going on right in front of you and you're just not getting it?" "What?" "Woudn't think honey would be this hard to find." "I had to go to four stores and all they had was clover." "You have some confetti in your hair." "Because I was excited, when I found the honey I ripped up my receipt and just threw it into the air." "Okay, I went to the game, only because they were losing and they needed me, and I went, and we won." "Where's Abby and Larry?" "They left." " You didn't te where went, did you?" " You went to get honey three hours ago." "What was I supposed to say?" "Don't know." "That found a bird's nest and I went to put it back in the tree and the woman whose tree it was was mad and threw a rock and we all should just be happy that Dharma's okay." "Anything." "Dharma." " Were they mad?" " Yes, and frankly, so am I." "Okay." "Where are you going?" "We need to talk about this." "Be right there." "Hey!" "Sorry, guys, no victory party tonight." "He wants to talk about our relationship." "My God, this is so cool." "Honey, if this is how you express your anger, you are so healthy." "We, hope you're sti happy when we leave." "Leave?" "Why would we leave?" "Check it out." "The 27 trap off the weak side linebacker." " What a work of art." " Come on." "Thank you, Mr. Young." " Excuse me, Mr. Young, 'm..." " Hi." "Gosh, that's Steve Young." "Greg Montgomery." "Your agent arranged for us to meet." "Hi." "How's your sick itte boy?" "No, 'm the guy with the obsessed, super-fan wife." "That's me, 49ers super fan, Dharma Montgomery standing here with Steve Young." "Did you know with a career rating of 96.3 you stand as the most accurate passer in the history of the league?" "Yeah, I have it on my business card." " Really?" " No." "Actually, your husband wanted me to talk to you about your involvement with our team." "Oh, no need to thank me." "Know 'm the reason we're winning." "Oh, on the other hand, nothing wrong with an "attaboy."" " Mrs. Montgomery..." " Dharma." "Dharma." "A football team wins and loses based on its own performance." "Exactly, not because one fan is cheering or dancing or crossing their fingers." "So you reay don't have anything to do with whether the Niners win." "'M not heping?" "I have nothing to do with it?" "Because I made a hat." "And Greg said that that was us down there." "Oh, pease don't cry." "'Ve never been part of something ike this." "Can't you fee me rooting?" "Because I feel your pain every time they knock the crap out of you." "I feel you rooting." "Forget what I said." "He's the one who tod me what to say." "Really?" "The 49ers cannot win without you." "Thank you, Steve Young." " You're wecome, super fan." " Oh, Greg, isn't Steve Young wonderfu?" "Yeah, he's a peach." "Oh, hey, could you throw me a pass?" "Yeah." "Go out long." " Sorry about that." " Oh, yeah." " 'M open." " Keep going." " How long you been married?" " About a year and a half." " She's sweet." " Yeah, she's specia." " 'M open." " Keep going." "'M sti open." " Go easy on her." " I will." "I will." "Right in the numbers." "Could you sign that ball?" "Sure." "Why don't we go hep her out?" "Shake it off, honey." "'M okay. 'm okay." "Okay, when you get a touchdown, first you spike it." "Good." "And then you do a dance." "Pop it, pop it." " Like this?" " There you go." "Then you go in a circle." "You're not popping."