"Hey, you think I'd meet more women if I changed my name to Tango?" "Don't change your name again, Bill." "(engine rumbles)" "Kohng Koy Kahn!" "Mama!" "Huh, Kahn has a mother?" "Somehow I always pictured a pod situation." "Minh, you are very lucky to have a man like Kahn to care for you." "You must be sure always to show your appreciation." "Oh, what helpful suggestion." "I do that right away." "Minh, your stew looks nice, but I would add just a bit more oyster sauce for a richer flavor." "If I may." "If I may just demonstrate." "Hey, Grandma, I just..." "Uh-oh." "Already?" "(grunting):" "If I may just demonstrate..." "I hate to leave two such beautiful women, but I must go and bring home the bacon for you both." "I will miss you, Kohng Koy Kahn." "I will go sit in the dining room for a while." "Yeah, knock yourself out." "(spray can hissing)" "What are you doing?" "Oh, just some cleaning." "No, Laoma, it's not necessary." "I clean house yesterday just fine." "If I may just demonstrate." "(Minh shouting In Laotian)" "(clears throat)" "Well, hello." "I am Peggy Hill." "Laoma Souphanousinphone." "Mrs. Hill, I must respectfully say that you are missing an opportunity for the greatest cleanliness of your windows." "I beg your pardon?" "You use improper wiping motion." "If you would allow me to demonstrate." "I was a homemaker for 40 years, and I found that I truly enjoyed cleaning." "(glass squeaking)" "Well, my favorite part of cleaning is being done, huh?" "(laughing)" "Well, I see you don't relax by laughing." "If you find no joy in housework, perhaps you would do better with a housekeeper." "Oh, well, I've had fantasies about it, believe me." "We just don't have that kind of money." "Please, Mrs. Hill," "I would not charge much." "You know my daughter-in-law:" "I really need to get out of the house." "Deal." "You can call me Miss Peggy." "And this, as you can see, is the kitchen." "There's the sink, the oven, the floor, the..." "Yes." "It is like many kitchens I have seen." "I will find my way." "(humming)" "What is she doing?" "(whispering):" "She's cleaning our house, for practically nothing." "That wash cloth cost more than her." "Now get out before she changes her mind." "♪ Bev-Bev, Beverly Hills Cop, ♪" "♪ Bev-Bev, Beverly Hills Cop, ♪" "♪ Axel Foley gonna find those drugs ♪" "(laughs)" "Mama going to throw garbage all over Hill lawn." "How I love her." "No not there." "Well, how that spiteful?" "What's she...?" "PEGGY:" "Laoma?" "Coming, Miss Peggy!" "(screaming)" "This crazy... you survive brutal dictatorship in Communist state, only to become slave in America?" "(groans):" "Oh, don't be silly, Kahn." "Now, does this "Hank" name tag look clean enough to you?" "(sighs):" "I just don't like the idea of having a maid." "I don't even feel right having a waiter clear my plate." "So, why don't you fire her?" "Because that would be even more wrong than it was to hire her." "(sighs):" "Nope, I'm afraid we'll have to keep her on with us now till she dies." "KAHN:" "Well!" "That very clever prank you play, Hank Hill." "You take advantage of poor, old, defenseless woman to spite neighbor." "Wait till your mother come here on rocking chair tied to roof of car..." "I make her dance for nickel!" "(screaming In Laotian)" "(laughter)" "Dang ol' Kahn, man!" "I've never seen this woman clean anything, but I enjoy her work." "(television plays)" "Hello, Mr. Hill." "Oh, hi, Laoma." "Please continue to watch your sports game." "I will not disturb you." "Oh, I know, I know." "I'm just stretching my legs." "(quietly):" "Uh-oh." "Sticky stain." "(grunting)" "No, Mr. Hill." "It is okay." "You stay and watch." "I insist." "(grunting)" "Oh, God." "Time for afternoon snack." "You..." "You brought me a snack?" "You are the male child of the family." "Your responsibility is great, and so must be your nourishment." "Melted cheese, roast beef, sauerkraut... this is a Reuben sandwich!" "(choked up):" "I wasn't expecting this." "I-I... (clears throat)" "I gotta sit down." "Oh, Minh." "My heart is breaking." "With every speck of dirt Mama clean from hillbilly's toilet, it one more speck of dirt on my face." "Your mother must not be treated like a caged bird." "We must let her fly." "Even if it's just across the street for a few hours a day." "Tomorrow Mama's day off." "I must find her new way to occupy time." "Something she can do here in house, instead of in cracker shack next door." "Day off?" "So she be here tomorrow..." "with me?" "Howdy, fellows!" "I see you are all relaxing after a hard day of work." "(all agreeing)" "Yeah, just having a beer." "I bet you wish you had super-clean homes to go to like your buddy Hank." "Uh, well, yeah." "Well, there's good news." "My mother-in-law has remaining shifts available at unbeatable prices." "Who sign up first?" "Heck, I'll take a day." "I could use some Asian fingerprints in there." "Why not you, Bill?" "Have you become emotionally attached to your many rats and cockroaches?" "No." "They can leave any time they want..." "I wouldn't care." "So hire Laoma." "She practically free." "Well... maybe I should." "I just always figured I'd have to be rich to be clean." "This will take me months." "Thank you, Bill." "KAHN:" "Huh?" "(screaming)" "(car crashing)" "BILL:" "Oh, Laoma, I can't thank you enough." "My house is clean, my clothes are clean..." "I'm clean." "And I can't believe how many forks you found." "It has been my pleasure." "It is a curious thing." "I moved here only to be closer to my son." "It has been a lovely surprise that I have also found something to do." "Yes..." "lovely." "Oh, something's on your mind." "As a barber, I've seen that look on my own face in the mirror many a time." "Well, there is still a void that neither family nor work can fulfill." "Yeah, there's a void in my life, too." "It's nice to talk to someone who has the same void." "Laoma... forgive me if I'm out of line, but... would you ever consider spending time with me, you know, outside of my house?" "LAOMA:" "A heart attack took my husband away from me to the next life." "But I believe he returned as the gentle wind that blows through this meadow, even now." "My God, that's the most beautiful description of a haunted meadow I've ever heard." "My heart... it's been broken so many times!" "I will be gentle." "If I may demonstrate..." "Oh, Laoma." "Oh... (kissing)" "Mmm... oh!" "So, you guys go to things... anybody know where I can get two tickets to "Love Letters" at the Arlen Little Theater?" "Good Lord, has your ass gotten so fat you need two seats?" "No." "I have a friend." "You can't take a pigeon to the theater, Bill." "For your information, she happens to be a lady, and we really like each other." "I got to tell you, things got pretty hot and heavy last night." "Ooh, good one, man, Dang 'ol..." "Oh..." "Way to go, Bill." "Anyone we know?" "Yep." "It's Kahn's mom." "(splitting)" "By God dang, man!" "Bill, she's 20 years older than you." "She's literally an old maid." "My God, she's perfect for you." "Congratulations, Bill!" "Aw, thanks." "So, how does Kahn feel about all this?" "Oh, we haven't told him yet." "It'll probably take him some getting used to, and we don't want to upset him until the relationship is on a surer footing." "Dang ol' 9:00, man." "Dauterive!" "My mother get home two hours late last night." "You work her overtime?" "(stifling laughter)" "I'm sorry, Kahn." "We lost track of the hour." "Well, that unacceptable." "Every time my mother come back from your house, she sweaty and exhausted." "(stifling laughter)" "Come on, guys, cool it." "From now on, you stop riding her so hard." "(all guffawing)" "You need to use bathroom, Mr. Hill?" "Uh, no, no." "I just, uh..." "It's okay." "I come back when you done." "No, no, really, I'll just do it later." "I insist." "You go to the bathroom immediately." "I will wait outside until you have finished." "(sighs)" "Uh, are you still out there?" "Yes." "Do you require assistance, Mr. Hill?" "No!" "For three years now, I've had show turtles, and I've never once put them in a show." "I'm a freakin' hypocrite." "Any of you seen my mother?" "Well, that depends." "How are you at receiving unspeakably awful news?" "Dale!" "KAHN:" "Oh, there she is." "Wait a minute." "That not her housecleaning outfit." "(giggling)" "Whee!" "Ha." "What'd he do that for?" "(moaning)" "Anybody want to watch the game?" "Why, Mama?" "Why not instead become bag lady?" "Or actress in pornographic film?" "Why must you humiliate me in worst way imaginable?" "Kahn, I do not mean to shame you." "I am an old, lonely woman." "Bill such a big, strong man." "When I in his arms," "I feel like delicate little hummingbird, and he my..." "Aah!" "Too vivid." "No." "Don't you love me?" "Of course I do." "You're my mama." "Kahn, if you love me, you will try to love Bill." "Oh, we just..." "Say it." "I..." "I..." "I will try to... love..." "Bill." "BILL:" "Oh, I swear Laoma and I must have been the handsomest couple in that noodle house last night." "(weak chuckle) BILL:" "Yeah." "You should've seen the way people's heads turned when we walked in together." "(Kahn mutters)" "I guess there's just something about a couple that's deeply, deeply in love." "(groans)" "(forced chuckle):" "Yeah." "BILL:" "'Course you should have seen the way Laoma flirted with the maïtre d' to get us a table." "(laughing)" "Oh, Bill, stop." "Stop, yeah." "Oh, I thought I was going to lose her for a minute there, folks." "Bill, you know I flirt only with you." "(groans):" "Oh!" "BILL:" "Ah, that one is true." "It's true." "She's like a teenager." "She nearly caused me to hit the guardrail driving home." "(groans):" "Oh." "Oh." "I feeling dizzy and short of breath." "I think I'm having a stroke." "No, don't get up." "And call me a crazy dreamer if you want, but are we the only intelligent life in the universe?" "I don't think so." "Mm." "Yes, Miss Peggy." "Explain the pyramids." "You can't." "KAHN:" "No, no, no!" "For love of all things holy." "Now my mother swill beer in alley like full-blown redneck." "Relax, Kahn." "She happy out there." "And your mother's happiness is the only thing that matters to me." "But what if people at office find out?" "Aah!" "Used to be" "I could go to work and brag about my family." "I tell them, "My daughter a genius." ""She build perfect replica" ""of lunar module for advanced placement science class."" "They have no retort." "Now anything I say, they counter with," ""Oh, how's that six-toed possum baby your mother have with redneck?"" "What do you think, Dad?" "Does this look like a convincing replica of Harrison Schmitt?" "Ha." "Astronaut turned senator." "Now this is the kind of man who should be dating my mother." "Man who conquer Moon, not man who conquer moon pie." "BILL:" "Kahn," "I'm so delighted that you've finally come to see me." "Yeah." "Oh." "Well, I wish I could come here under happier circumstances." "Well, any problem of yours is a problem of mine." "Yeah, actually, this one all yours." "See, here the thing." "My mama has fallen in love with another man." "(gasps)" "An astronaut." "Which one?" "Harrison Schmitt." "(sighs)" "Listen, can you fly spaceship?" "No." "Oh." "Then this could be problem." "But... but... we're in love." "Oh, come on, Bill." "You know it was only a matter of time before she leave you." "Like your wife did." "Yeah." "I suppose you're right." "But why didn't she tell me herself?" "Because she pity you." "Yeah, Mama way too nice to hurt you just so she could find true happiness." "So I guess she just live out her days in miserable, unsatisfying relationship with you." "The important thing is that Bill gets what Bill wants." "Well, it really none of my business." "I show myself out." "Yeah." "Okay." "(sighs)" "Bill... are you not well?" "I..." "I'm okay." "No." "Something is wrong." "Usually you're licking bottom of bowl by now." "(sighs)" "You are breaking up with me." "Sometimes you have to move on to find true happiness." "New people show up into other people's lives, sometimes wearing space helmets, I guess." "This... this is what you want?" "Well, I think in the long run it's better for both of us." "Don't you think?" "Oh." "Yes." "Of course." "Good." "Then we're broken up." "There's a full moon tomorrow night." "Now I guess you can enjoy it with someone who's been there." "(cries)" "(crying)" "KAHN:" "Whata rush!" "Maybe next I break up Hank and Peggy." "(groans):" "Oh." "I'm not going to pretend that I really got you two, but you seemed happy." "Why did you break up with her?" "Well, she was clean, I was dirty." "Something had to give." "You'll get a new woman soon, Bill." "Remember, you scored with an older chick." "You're the man now." "Oh, no wait." "I was thinking of high school." "Sorry." "Mama, time to trim my ear hair." "Oh, you doing laundry." "Good." "Minh refuses to iron my socks." "No, Kahn." "I am leaving, though I will try to get a few loads done before I go." "Pinebrook Acres?" "It is a combination retirement home and cemetery." "It's really quite convenient." "But everything perfect now." "Everybody happy!" "I am sorry, but it is too hard to have Bill so close." "And the home will be fun." "I am sure there will be parties where they make us wear little paper hats." "Oh!" "Sill undercooked." "Un-be-freakin'-lievable." "Damn that Laoma." "She just waltzes into my life, teases me with labor at slave wages, and then runs off to a nursing home." "No soup?" "Where's the fish course?" "This isn't right." "I'm the firstborn male." "Look, I should be in the warm tub right now contemplating." "(yawns)" "Baa!" "What the hell are you doing, Bill?" "Ugh!" "Sorry." "It's just that this is where Laoma and I first made love." "Ugh." "I don't get it, Bill." "You broke up with Laoma, and now you're pining over her?" "I only broke up with her 'cause I found out she was involved with an astronaut." "What?" "Uh-uh." "Harrison Schmitt." "And I didn't want to stand in the way of her being with such a great guy." "Look, I don't know about any..." "Harrison Schmitt?" "Really?" "Well, look, whoever it is, you just have to go to Laoma... somewhere far away from my front stoop... and make sure you tell her how you feel about her and that nobody can take care of her" "better than you can." "Yeah, but Kahn said..." "Don't worry about what Kahn or anybody else says." "You've got to take your best shot." "And then if she chooses someone else, well, at least you tried." "Look out, Spaceman." "Bill Dauterive is coming through!" "I hate to see you so unhappy because of..." "Bill Dauterive." "But, uh..." "But who knows why he does what he does." "BILL (shouting):" "Laoma!" "Okay, time's a-wastin'." "Laoma!" "Bill?" "Laoma, wait." "Don't go." "I am sorry." "I must." "Where is he taking you?" "Houston?" "Cape Canaveral?" "Okay, Dauterive finally snap." "Come on, we go inside, call 911." "Look, I don't care about your rocket boy, and I don't care what kind of gifts he makes you." "You want to know what I think of him?" "(grunts)" "Hey!" "I never stopped loving you, Laoma." "I just wanted to let you find happiness with Astronaut Schmitt." "But I know you'll only find true happiness with me." "Oh, Bill." "Oh." "Wait." "Astronaut who?" "Yes, Harrison Schmitt." "Kahn told me everything." "Kahn?" "Mama, it not what it look like." "I only did it because the thought of you two together make me sick to the very pit of my stomach." "Oh, come on." "Like you all wouldn't have done the same thing if Dauterive was after your mother?" "(groans):" "Oh." "You know, this not so bad." "It kind of like those dogs that so ugly, they almost cute." "Yeah." "Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access." "Wgbh." "Org" "UH OH, sticky stain..."