"(TYRES SQUEAL) JOSH:" "OK." "Did you have fun?" "Did you have a good drive?" "Can we go now?" "No, I'm buying it." "Oh, no, Dad." "It doesn't make sense for you to be in this car." "You and this car, you're incompatible." "You look old and stupid." "Like an old person that makes stupid decisions." "Alan, I wouldn't go taking advice from someone with that haircut." "Yeah, kids these days with their hair, huh?" "Dad, you're just too... big for it." "Too old and... big." "Josh, I'm not that old." "When you get in and out of this car, you make a groan like an old man." "Women don't know anything about cars." "Oh, excuse me." "I am velly solly, sir, for speaking out of turn, sir." "I was momentarily distracted by my uterus and I forgot my manners." "OK." "Thank you, Mae." "That's enough of that." "Thank you." "Dad, everybody hates people in cars like these." "It is too low." "It's going to be too hard on your joints." "Come on!" "No, rubbish. it's... it's..." "This is..." "It's a cool car." "Look, I've worked hard my whole life." "I'm getting it." "Oh, God." "You're not that cool." "SONG: ♪ Ooh ♪" "♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah, yeah ♪ Ooh" "♪ Ooh ♪ OK" "♪ Ooh ♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it" "♪ Ooh ♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it" "♪ Ooh ♪ I left better behind" "♪ I'll be fine, yeah, yeah, yeah" "♪ Make my mamma tum another blind eye" "♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah" "♪ I left better behind I'll be fine... ♪" "I had an idea." "Yeah?" "For your mum." "To get her out of the house." "Help her make new friends." "Yes?" "I think she should come to church, and you should come too." "No, Peg." "We don't want to come to church." "We've spoken about this." "We don't want to go to church 'cause..." "we don't believe in God." "Oh, would you prefer to go to hell?" "You can't threaten an atheist with hell, Peg." "It doesn't make any sense." "It's like a hippie threatening to punch you in your aura." "JOSH:" "It's stupid." "JOSH:" "Jesus Christ, it's terrifying." "It's just terrifying driving with you." "I'm not going to be around for very much longer, and I would like to believe that one day I might just bump into you in heaven." "Peg, we both know that you are, unfortunately, very healthy, OK?" "I'm not taking you to the party unless you promise to come to church." "What a great way to trick God into securing my eternal salvation." "Brilliant." "Oh, you can be as smart-alec as you like, but if you don't promise to come to church," "I am just going to keep driving past the party and take you home." "Have to eat those horrible pies all by ourselves." "Fine." "And they're tarts." "And they're not horrible." "JOSH:" "They're delicious." "PEG:" "They're overmixed." "You should have known better." "I've taught you how to make tarts." "And pies." "You know that I'm not really coming to church, yeah?" "Josh, you are such a disappointment!" "Why are you, uh, waiting out the front?" "I was waiting for you so we could go in together." "How long have you been waiting for?" "Since I got here." "I don't know, half an hour?" "What are you doing?" "I just..." "I..." "I just like it better when your shirt's off." "Uh, OK." "Yes!" "Joshua!" "Aunty Peg!" "Hi, Aunty Peg!" "You forgot your tarts!" "Of course." "Does your mother know about this?" "No." "Well!" "I guess I'll be seeing you in church, then." "MAE:" "You haven't mentioned how pretty I look." "You look very pretty." "Well, you look like shit." "That's OK." "I have a good imagination." "You always look pretty." "I'm sorry." "I was... just thinking about Josh living with his mum." "Do you think it'll make her happy?" "It should make her happy, right?" "Now I'm using my imagination to pretend that you can't stop thinking about how pretty I look." "OK." "Instead of your depressing ex-wife." "I'm sorry, I'll change the subject." "Yes, and..." "And not to your car." "Something that..." "that isn't your car or your ex-wife." "I just want to make it better, that's all." "Yes!" "Yes, I know." "MAN:" "Right for drinks?" "Jeez, mate, I thought I was gonna have to send out a carrier pigeon." "No, no, no, no, she's, uh... she's driving." "I'll have the same again, thanks." "I'll have a lemonade, please." "We were married 20 years, Mae." "And that's not bad, you know, because the average marriage only lasts 8.7 years." "Oh, what?" "OK, I'll talk about something else." "No!" "You don't want to talk about something else." "I do." "I do." "No!" "I'm going to the bathroom." "(SIGHS)" "We can talk about animals you've seen on the internet in funny costumes." "Thank you very much." "Would you like a drink, Geoffrey?" "Oh, I don't drink." "What?" "Why?" "Some people don't drink, Niamh." "Yeah, my dad's an alcoholic." "Oh." "OK, let's play this game I invented." "It's called What's the Most Embarrassing Thing" "That's Ever Happened to Your Genitals?" "Yes!" "Who's starting?" "No, how does this game work?" "You tell everyone the most embarrassing thing that's happened to your genitals." "Mmm!" "I know what mine is." "I'll start." "Once, when I was making out with this girl..." "How many girls have you made out with?" "Um, I've had sex... ish with five." "Five." "Five girls." "GEOFFREY:" "Did you like it?" "Claire's sitting right there." "It's fine." "I was there for it." "I know what it was like." "Harsh." "Tom gave me chlamydia once." "(LAUGHS)" "S-say what?" "That's my thing, my most embarrassing thing." "Oh, it's not really your turn." "I did not give you chlamydia." "Uh, yes, you did." "How else could I have gotten it?" "I've explained this." "Before I met you, I hadn't had sex for eight months." "It's true." "Tom is just really horrible at getting sex." "Yeah, well, I got it right after I met you, so I think you must be hiding something." "No, it's just..." "You can get it and then not have any symptoms and it randomly just pops up." "That sounds a lot like bullshit, Tom." "It's not." "That's... that's the truth." "Oh, so I..." "I guess it's my fault, then." "Just like everything else." "Why don't we just agree to disagree about who gave who chlamydia?" "'Cause I don't want her telling everyone that I gave her chlamydia." "It does suck you're getting a reputation for..." "sexually transmitted diseases when you didn't actually get to have the actual sex." "Yeah, well, of course, you're all on Tom's side." "I'm not!" "I don't have a side." "Actually, there's no way of telling who had it, so..." "Thank you, Geoffrey." "Though, statistically speaking, it probably was Niamh." "Yeah." "You have had a considerable amount more sex than... than Tom." "You think I'm a slut?" "No..." "I think it's more that they're saying I'm not a slut." "He's totally frigid." "He's right." "I pretty much am." "You're ashamed of me." "I'm not ashamed of you." "Well, then, why don't you ever back me up in front of your friends?" "Because you told them that I gave you chlamydia." "(OTHERS LAUGH)" "It's over." "What?" "It's over." "Over, over." "It's over." "We are over." "Fine." "Good luck getting through one day without me." "Should someone go after her?" "Nope." "(URINATES)" "Oh." "Come on, girls." "Uh, sorry, sorry." "Come on, mate." "Really." "Quite right." "(PHONE RINGS)" "Hi, Josh." "It's your dad." "JOSH:" "Oh, hi." "Can you give me a lift home?" "Who is it?" "ALAN:" "Mae left me." "Oh, what happened?" "What's going on?" "She just left me, and she was supposed to drive me home." "I've been drinking." "Can't you just... get a cab?" "Josh, who is it?" "It's Dad." "Who's that?" "It's Geoffrey." "Who's Geoffrey?" "No, it's just a friend." "Hi, Geoffrey!" "Dad says hi." "Hi!" "He says hi." "Can't you just..." "get yourself home?" "No, I..." "I..." "I have to get my car home." "I'm really worried about it." "JOSH:" "Where is it?" "L..." "I can't remember." "Have you had anything to drink?" "Can you pick me up?" "Yes, I've been drinking." "I can't help." "No, I haven't been drinking." "You need to help your dad out." "I'll take you." "OK, fine." "We are..." "Oh, thank you." "Where's your dad's girlfriend from?" "Thailand." "Oh, cool." "So she's, like, a mail-order thing?" "Whoa!" "Whoa, no." "Oh, I..." "I'm sorry." "I just..." "I didn't mean to be offensive." "I'm not racist." "OK." "It's fine." "OK, it's fine." "No, no, no, really." "I'm not racist." "I dated an Asian once." "Whoa." "OK." "Great, fine." "Although I did date a racist once too, so I don't know." "Well, I just..." "I think maybe she's just from quite a well-off family, apparently, and she just genuinely likes Dad, which is quite hard to believe." "Why did you tell your Dad I was just your friend?" "Um..." "And you wouldn't kiss me because your aunt was there." "Yeah." "And... and your mum doesn't know." "Don't you think that's a bit lame?" "Oh, I just..." "I just can't be bothered." "You need to tell them, dude." "They won't mind." "Do I?" "Do I really need to tell them?" "Coming out, to me, just seems so '90s, you know?" "They've seen me in school musicals." "Do we really need a... a discussion?" "What, so you aren't gonna tell them?" "I just..." "I just can't be bothered." "How do you think that makes me feel, dude?" "Please don't call me dude." "It's weird." "We make out sometimes." "(HUMS)" "Oh, sweetie." "Talk to me, baby." "Answer the phone." "Please?" "Dad?" "Hi." "This is Geoffrey." "It's an honour to finally meet you." "Yeah, um, you too." "JOSH:" "Do you know where your car is?" "No." "You need to perk up." "Now, I know you're sad, but it's Saturday." "And if I have to be stuck here with you, we're going to have some fun." "I'm not allowed to drink, Peg." "Oh, nonsense." "No, the doctor says I'm not supposed to drink." "Well, how is someone supposed to stop being depressed if you can't drink?" "I'll ask somebody sensible." "John?" "Do you think she should have a drink?" "John?" "He doesn't care." "ALAN:" "Oh, Jesus." "(JOSH LAUGHS)" "Oh, Jesus!" "Who did this?" "It's..." "Oh, no, Josh, this is serious." "I told you." "I told you if you bought this car, everyone would hate you." "Oh, Alan." "My car got egged once." "It's gonna warp the paint." "It's gonna warp the paint?" "We have to get it washed." "OK, it's fine." "We can do it tomorrow." "No, it... it'll ruin the paint." "It's gonna warp the paint, Josh!" "(LAUGHS)" "Oh, Jesus." "(SIGHS)" "Dad, are you..." "Are you tearing up a bit?" "(SIGHS) JOSH:" "Dad, you know there's..." "You know, there's people in Africa that can't... that afford Porsches." "They couldn't even afford a Yaris." "Do you know how much this could cost?" "Sometimes they can't afford food, Dad." "Sometimes they have HIV." "Who did this?" "!" "Just... just a bit of perspective." "Arseholes!" "How long are they taking?" "Yeah." "(PHONE BEEPS)" "That's probably them." "No, Niamh." "Oh." "How is she?" ""L loved everything you are with every part of my being." ""Go fuck yourself, you skinny-dick retard."" "Mmm." "Kind of took a turn halfway there." "I know she seemed like a massive bitch most of the time, but she isn't that bad." "Josh told me she spat on you." "One time." "Mmm." "We should get in the spa." "It's ridiculous that you have it and you never use it." "So, Geoffrey, do you have a..." "have a girlfriend, or...?" "No, I'm gay." "Oh." "Rightio." "Rightio." "It's funny, you know, because Josh's mother and I always thought that he was gay." "He was always baking and dancing." "He is gay." "Josh is gay." "I'm his boyfriend." "Surprise!" "Really?" "You're... you're..." "you're Josh's boyfriend?" "Yeah." "OK." "It's alright, Josh." "It's OK." "I've..." "I've decided I'm fine with it." "Thanks!" "After all, it's probably my fault." "It's not anyone's fault." "I didn't play enough sport with you when you were a kid." "Dad, I don't think the amount of sport you play as a child is in direct ratio to the amount you'll enjoy kissing boys." "Just promise me that you'll use protection." "A homosexual man is 30 times more likely to get AIDS." "No, that's not a fact, Dad." "That's not science." "I really don't think that's a real statistic." "Well..." "Do you use protection, Geoffrey?" "Oh, look, actually, it's..." "It's a bit awkward to talk about, Alan." "We... haven't had penetrative sex yet, but... when we do," "I promise you, we will use protection." "Oh, well, good." "That's... that's good news." "I mean, I know it doesn't feel as good, but..." "Gee whiz, it feels a hell of a lot better than dying at 30." "You got that right." "Dad, please stop." "Oh!" "Relax, will you?" "Some fathers would punch you for this." "I'm a pretty good dad." "I'm not going to turn the bubbles on just 'cause they... they make me feel weird." "So... tell me again." "What is your opinion of the financial crisis?" "I just think if there were no banks, then people would share their money more because they'd be able to see it." "But people can see their money any time." "Yeah, but not in cash form." "And it'd be, like, way harder to store." "So they'd probably have to give heaps away as well." "Amazing." "I'm always worried there's gonna be frogs in here or something." "John!" "If you were sad, what would you do?" "See, my Rose is sad." "No, I'm depressed." "There's a difference." "It's not sad." "Oh, what's the difference?" "Well, you can't cure it with ice-cream." "We got beer!" "You can't cure it..." "You can't cure it with beer!" "Oh, well, haw-haw!" "Well, I have no idea." "So, uh, what are you doing tonight, Alan?" "Um..." "I don't know, Geoffrey." "Mae won't answer the phone, so..." "Well, you should come hang with us." "What?" "Oh, I wouldn't want to interlude." "JOSH: intrude." "But you should definitely come, Alan." "No, you definitely should not come." "Tom just broke up with Niamh." "He's probably crying." "It'll be... it'll be weird." "Well..." "But Mae won't let me into the house." "It's your house!" "Yeah!" "Women." "JOSH:" "Women!" "OW!" "Better not give me chlamydia." "It's gone, it's gone." "I swear." "I'm so sorry, Josh." "Why?" "Well, you should be living in this rat hole, not at your mum's place." "It's fine." "I have a room here that you pay for." "I've stolen your youth." "I am so proud of you." "And... and Mum's proud too." "She probably doesn't say it, but..." "OK, Dad." "But I know that she is." "If you're coming into the house, promise to stop talking about Mum, OK?" "Tom's just broken up with Niamh he's probably really upset, and, also, it's just so boring." "Right, OK." "Zip." "(DOOR CLOSES) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)" "Was that...?" "Shit, shit, shit!" "Shit!" "So, Alan, who do you barrack for?" "Melbourne Storm, Geoffrey." "League?" "Are you serious?" "Go the Storm!" "Yeah, yeah." "Oh, look, I..." "I..." "I think AFL's for pansies." "Am I allowed to say 'pansy?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I can say pansy." "Where's Tom and Claire?" "Hey, Tom!" "Claire!" "I might go and get some tarts." "Oh, you guys are back!" "That was quick." "Hi, Alan." "Hi, Claire." "Nice to see you." "Oh, your hair's wet." "Yes, I was just in the..." "Tom and I were just in the spa, so that's why." "Hello, Tom." "How long have you guys been here?" "Not long." "Would you like a..." "a Portuguese custard tart?" "I made Portuguese custard tarts." "We've been in the spa." "OK." "Did you guys know that Josh is gay?" "Oh." "Yeah." "Oh, sorry." "I guess that must have made you feel pretty weird, Claire." "Uh, not really." "It's probably for the best, really." "Isn't it?" "Yeah." "So no-one wants a, uh, Portuguese custard... tart?" "This is mine." "But it looks good there." "(BREAKS WIND) Oh, excuse me." "Oh... (PLAYS PIANO)" "So how are you feeling about Niamh?" "Good." "Fine." "Really?" "Really, really." "And, um..." "How's your chlamydia?" "Yeah?" "Fine." "Why's your dad here?" "JOSH:" "Geoffrey invited him." "Why?" "'Cause he's so fucking considerate!" "(ALAN PLAYS CLUMSILY)" "(SINGS) ♪ Hey-yo, do ya like it like that?" "♪ I'm the only one who can love ya like that" "♪ Now, hey-yo, do ya like it like that?" "♪ I'm the only one who can love ya like that, hey... ♪" "JOSH:" "What are they talking about?" "How could anyone talk to my dad for this long?" "I think Geoffrey's genuinely interested." "TOM:" "I don't think I've ever heard your dad say anything interesting." "I don't think I've ever heard Geoffrey say anything interesting." "Tom, could you maybe give me a hand in the kitchen, please?" "TOM:" "I'd better." "To be honest, Geoffrey, I..." "I guess I still love his mother." "But I failed her." "I failed her, Geoffrey." "And now Mae..." "No, no, no, don't... don't say that, Alan." "No-one has any control over these things." "I mean..." "And if none of it had have happened, then then you wouldn't have such a cool car, like you do now." "These things, they happen for a reason, dude." "Yeah." "You're gonna be really good for Josh." "OK." "I got to go to church." "Let's do this." "Who wants to come, huh?" "Come on, it'll be fun." "Yeah?" "Pretend like it's ironic." "I'll come." "I actually quite like it." "JOSH:" "Bam!" "Claire's in." "I'll go." "JOSH:" "Great." "Tom's for Jesus." "GEOFFREY:" "I'll come." "Geoffrey's for Jesus." "This is good." "Alan?" "Alan, did... did you want to come?" "Oh, what the fuck?" "PRIEST:" "Today, Jesus urges us to live a worthy life." "(PHONE RINGS)" "And what better gift to give him than that of a marriage between a man and a woman?" "But marriage as an institution is under great pressure today." "No two men or two women can become one flesh." "We weren't designed to be homosexual." "Any electrician will tell you you can't get power if you use two same-sex electrical sockets." "They... simply won't spark." "And if you consider a magnet..." "Two positives come together and they repel." "Yet, when the opposite sources are used, they weld to one another tightly, like a man and wife in holy matrimony." "Homosexual sex is dangerous and destructive to the human body." "Homosexuality is a sin." "PEG:" "I..." "I have..." "I have just learned that I have a homosexual grandson." "But, technically, he's not my grandson, but anyway, that's..." "That's not important." "And, certainly, it was a disappointment." "I feel like I've been robbed of great-grandchildren." "But..." "If he has decided to lead a homosexual lifestyle isn't it isn't it my responsibility to love him?" "Because..." "Because if they..." "if they are born that way, they they... they they have no choice but to be true to themselves." "Josh?" "Josh, stand up." "Stand up." "This is my Josh." "He..." "He is homosexual." "And I love him." "Which is what God would want." "And if it isn't what God would want, then... then he, or she, can can stick it." "Come on, we're off." "Come on!" "(PIANO PLAYS)" "Don't think this is such a big deal." "It's not like I hadn't always known." "Yes, OK." "Can you just pretend to be surprised?" "Hello, ma'am." "I'm..." "Josh's boyfriend, Geoffrey." "Oh!" "But you're so... handsome." "And he's so..." "Um..." "What?" "I don't know." "Thomas, please change the subject." "OK." "Niamh is pregnant." "Hoo!" "(PEOPLE SING HYMN)"