"are you--are you crying?" "Yeah." "I actually lost my virginity to this song." "Well,to the first verse...." "Sherri!" "All right." "Sherri!" "Hey,hey,pull over." "Proudly Presents font color Sync:" "Max" "Season 1 Episode 1" "Dougie's First Day" "It's daddy's week to drive!" "Everybody,wake up." "It's daddy's week to drive." "Okay,come on,guys." "Let's get a move on." "Get your lunches." "Let's go." "Let's go." "Oh,you gotta wear a shirt to school." "Where's your shirt?" "It's in the dryer!" "Good-bye,honey." "Gang's in good shape." "Enjoy your tv shows." "bye,mom!" "Okay." "Hot cookies coming through." "I feel like this is the first day of school." "Oh,don't worry." "They are gonna love you." "wait." "Is that him?" "Hello!" "Hi!" "Hey,hey,I'm cindy." "Dougie." "Hi.I'm aubrey." "Oh,I made you guys some cookies." "Oh,uh,they look delicious,but I'm sorry." "There's no eating in the car." "It's kind of a rule." "Oh.No biggie." "Laird really scalded himself one time." "No coffees,no cookie." "Okay." "here." "All right." "Bye!" "I love you." "Love you,too." "not you." "I like you." "Bye." "I'm sorry." "okay." "good morning,beautiful." "Hey." "Hey,how about you drive in and meet me for lunch?" "Love to,but I can'T." "I'm at my flip." "We're having an open house." "I thought this was--we were gonna start a tradition." "I know." "I'm sorry,honey." "New toaster,huh?" "What was wrong with the old one?" "Nothing,but this is the new one." "It is." "It's--it's like the monolith from "2001. " It'S... expensive-looking." "I hate to ask,but-- -$200.But you should taste the toast." "$200?" "I know." "Isn't that great?" "That's toast." "Good,huh?" "Hi,marm." "Morning." "Hey,man." "What you got on for the day,man?" "Why are you asking me?" "'Cause it's your day,man." "I mean,hey,how about you do something cool like... work?" "Honey,lighten up." "He has an interview." "Really?" "Yeah,I have an interview." "Can I borrow a shirt with a collar and a,um..." "A..." "like,A... a tie.Right. How about some pants?" "I don't need pants." "It's a online interview,like they all are nowadays." "Don't you know anything?" "Apparently not." "Didn't know a toaster could cost $200." "Don't worry." "I paid for it with my money." ""My money"?" "So here's where we wait for gracen and laird." "They founded the carpool a few years back." "Laird lives right over that fence over there." "Oh,here he comes." "Um,look,I shouldn't be telling you this,but okay." "He's been going through a pretty nasty divorce,and sometimes he gets a little salty,so... be cool." "Hey,laird." "How was your evening?" "You ever meet a woman so hot,you could have sex with her phone number?" "No." "so this is your new kid,huh?" "Hi." "I'm,uh,I'm dougie." "Hey,you wanna see a picture of the baby?" "Come on." "This is your first day in the car,and he's already whipping out the family photos?" "Too much,too soon." "Hey,laird." "Need a toaster?" "Of course I do." "I need everything." "What's wrong with it?" "Nothing,yet my wife thinks it's the old toaster." "Well,it's new to me." "Gentlemen..." "let's carpool." "Oh,this is crazy." "So now leila spends $200 on a toaster." "$200 is a lot of money." "Well,it all depends your cash flow." "Kid,let me save you from yourself." "All you ever have to say is,"here is the gas money." "" Maybe you simply need to talk to leila about the way she's spending your money." "My money?" "no,all the money I make is our money." "It always has been." "The money she's making now-- that's her money." "She bought the toaster wi her money." "Well,at least you have your money." "My wife gets my checks." "I don't even know how much I make." "My wife and I got it all worked out." "She gets everything." "Her lawyer saw to that." "it doesn't matter to cindy and I." "We're a team." "You know,marriage is a game you shouldn't keep score in." "Oh,shut up." "Oh,come on." "kid,you are killing me." "Marriage is absolutely a game where you should keep score." "Carpoolers Parking Only." "Crowded house today." "Keep the eyes peeled." "oh,why are they stopped?" "Stop." "Stop." "Why do old people just stop?" "Oh,come on." "You old goats." "Let's go!" "Come on!" "let's go!" "It's geezer carpool." "You're gonna give 'em a stroke." "Oh,great." "Open spot,right there." "Oh,no,oh,no." "Fancy carpool with their sushi!" "There!" "Get it!" "Junior,get out and nab that spot." "Nab that spot now!" "Go,go,go,go!" "Nab that spot!" "Go!" "No,I-I got it!" "It's mine." "they're not gonna hit you!" "I-i guess they were gonna hit you." "My bad!" "Oh,there's a spot." "Gracen... do you think it's ssible leila makes more money than you?" "not a chance." "From a hobby?" "No." "Do you think that's possible?" "She's flipping houses,buying $200 toasters." "Gracen,men go off to war." "Women shop." "If we don't provide for our women,do they really need us?" "What are you,tarzan?" "Tell the truth." "Wouldn't you kind of like to find out how much money leila makes?" "Yes,I would actually kinda like to know that." "I'm on it." "How are you gonna find that out?" "Gracen,I'm a dentist." "I can move in any circle." "I'm a healer,like a doctor." "I wield the power of a cop,yet I'm a friend of the worker--respected you're a dentist." "Yes,I am,and that's very lucky for you." "He's okay!" "Yeah,now I'm okay!" "I'm okay!" "I'm surrounded by children." "I'm talking,ted." "Everyone can see you're dating cheerleaders." "If rikki comes over,the least you can do is pick up the pom-poms and the panties." "I wanna remain neutral here,ted,but that's fairly despicable." "Look,I'm just trying to teach my kid about life-- in this case,the good life." "Am I right,little man,huh?" "I hate to interrupt,but I already have." "I need to talk tyou about that person we were talking about this morning." "You know,a certain married lady with sexy legs." "Folks,I will be right back." "look at what I got-- a piece of paper with some numbers on it." "What is it?" "I found out how much money leila has in her account!" "How did you get that?" "Specifically,I had a whitening and a sleepover with a woman who works at your bank." "No,this is not ha--no,no." "You know what?" "I can't do that." "I'm not gonna start checking up on the people that I love." "Maybe I'll just go start giving a random drug test to my son." "How about that?" "Marmaduke?" "Definitely." "Bad example." "But,still,it's wrong to snoop." "Is it?" "I should have seen the signs with my ex-wife,gracen-- the late night calls,the ass print on the sliding glass door." "If I had,I might still be married or divorced a lot sooner." "You realize that this whole situation's about a toaster,right?" "Can't you read the signs,man?" "Ass print on the sliding glass door." "Toaster." "S print!" "Toaster!" "I-I... whereas I appreciate what you're trying to do,okay,burn the number." "I don't want it." "I'm above this." "I'm a mediator." "how dare you take a phone call right now." "hello,applicant." "Welcome to your online interview." "Mrs Heggie will see you now." "Wow,looks like you really like to read." "I dabble." "I've looked at your résum?" "and I have to say,I'm quite impressed." "Really?" "Yes." "Most people with a résum?" "this lame would've lied about it." "To tell you the truth,sir,I think that it's important to be truthful." "I noticed under "hobbies," you listed "being interested," and under "interests," you listed "finding hobbies"?" "Listen,if you wanna go hire some guy who's all busy with hobbies and interests,be my est,you know?" "But,um..." "okay,fine." "You sold me." "Congratulations." "You've got the job." "Yes!" "I told you to put it on vibrate." "That's not me." "It's not." "Hey,marmaduke." "What's up?" "That's great!" "That's great." "My son just got a job!" "Hey,buddy." "Tell me,how much does this job pay?" "that's a lot of money." "That's an excessive amount of... to some people--not me,but,uh,yeah,well,bye." "My son just got a job making more money than I do." "Oh,boy." "Gracen,I'm gonna ask you a question,and I need you to be totally honest,okay?" "Does leila get on top a lot?" "On top of what?" "For god sakes,laird." "Okay,okay,I'm gonna ask you a totally different question." "I'm sorry." "When you guys tenderly make love,is leila the toaster or the toast?" "Sounds like the same question." "Because it's all part of the same thing." "Gracen,you're losing control of your home." "It's pretty obvious to all of us here in the car." "Oh,is it?" "What do you guys think?" "No idea." "Eyes on the diamond lane." "Hands at ten and two." "Dougie?" "Uh,uh?" "Yeah?" "Well... uh... it seems to me that the problem started with the toaster,so maybe you should just get rid of it." "Kid's right." "You gotta get rid of that toaster." "You know,who asked you?" "This is my personal life." "I don't need the carpool dissecting it." "Frankly,I think your personal life is starting to affect this carpool." "oh,hey,baby." "Come and celebrate with us." "Dad,it's so sweet to be pulling in such large cake." "Isn't it a great feeling?" "And it's a really nice thing for a mom and son to share." "Tell me about it." "Honey,you had a nice day in the old workplace,too?" "Yeah." "I flipped my house,and two hours later,I flipped it again." "How is that even possible?" "In this market,anything's possible." "excuse me." "Hey,dad,guess what I'm gonna do with all the money that I'm making?" "I'm gonna buy the world's oldest rubik's cube." "I saw it on the internet." "And then I'm gonna hire somebody to solve it for me." "Oh,my god!" "I flipped it again!" "Just turned over the welcome mat,and boom!" "Triple flip!" "It's never been done before." "You know what?" "I'm buying us dinner." "Whatever you boys want." "Catfish." "me,money is no problem." "I can buy us dinner." "No,me." "How much does dinner cost?" "I've never bought it before." "Is it $1,000?" "I gotta tell you guys the truth." "I'm really not very hungry." "uh... oh,um..." "I,um,quick question." "Quick question." "How much money are you making?" "Why?" "You need some money?" "no." "Yeah,as if." "I wanna know if you need money." "That's so sweet of you,but not to worry." "Things are pretty good for me right now." "Come here,you." "Hang on." "No,no." "What?" "What is wrong with you?" "I'm under a lot of pressure lately.I..." "from work?" "Yes,from work." "Of course from work." "Okay." "Fine." "laird?" "Hello?" "Oh,yeah." "Right there." "Laird,what are you doing?" "Just doing my abs,having some toast." "What's up?" "I just turned down sex with my wife." "I need that number." "Mm,sorry." "I burned it." "No,you didn'T." "No,gracen." "I did not,and you wanna know why?" "Because I'm your friend." "Are you ready?" "Yeah,I'm ready." "What a weather report,huh?" "He's good." "that's a lot of money." "He's never this late." "Yeah,can't we just honk or something?" "can't we just honkthe horn or something?" "I told you,he had a very unsettling night." "Listen,my dad-- he's not feeling so great,so he's gonna pass on a ride today." "Wh-what's the matter?" "Is he sick?" "I guess." "I even tried to make him some brekky." "He wouldn't even eat the toast." "He just threw it away,and then I ate it." "Does he have a headache?" "Stomachache?" "Pinkeye?" "Did you feel his glands?" "No,I didn't feel his glands." "He just looked depressed." "He did say something about,"why should I ever even bother working at all anymore?" "Thank you." "Okay." "Man,I..." "I think I might be kind of responsible for this." "Maybe I should go talk to him." "I'm running really late here,guys." "So what,we're just gonna leave a man behind?" "Oh,no,I mean,it sounds like he needs some rest." "He's my best friend,but you know what he needs." "Incredible." "I didn't say that." "What,you think my ears don't work back here?" "Guys,guys,guys,guys!" "This ride is the only peace that I have in my life-- 45 minutes,twice a day." "So I am begging you,gentlemen,please,just get along." "Fine." "Fine." "We'll just leave our friend... and go." "Hey,um,I'm sorry this didn't work out." "We're gonna drive you in today,but starting tomorrow,you're gonna have to find other way to work." "I told you to be cool." "sweet pea,it's no biggie." "Why don't you just take our car for a while?" "No,cindy." "What if,god forbid,the baby chokes on a grape?" "What are you gonna do,walk to the hospital?" "Maybe my mom can drive you again." "You know,you two just have to bury that hatchet." "No,cindy,this is a matter of principle,and I'm not gonna be pushed around." "I am not a pushover,laird." "I got kicked off my paintball team for aggression." "Come on in." "Really?" "She really took everything,didn't she yeah, and I just got off the phone with her lawyer." "Now she wants my ab-in-izer." "What's next,my phone books?" "Look,laird,I know that you got your problems,but you know what?" "Cindy and I have got our problems,too,okay?" "Our cards are maxed out." "Her parents are nudists,and you know what?" "Sometimes she gets up in the middle of the night,and she bakes in her sleep!" "I got a lot on the line here." "This isn't just a carpool for me." "Well,at least we agree on something." "Actually,we both agreed that gracen should get rid of his toaster-- just couldn't do it." "That's it." "What's it?" "I got him into this." "I think I know how we can get him out." "Gracen's always helped me." "When my marriage was breaking up,do you know where I slept?" "On gracen's couch?" "No,all over the place-- various women's apartments,but it was gracen that told me to cut that out!" "So now that gracen needs our help,are we gonna do it?" "Do what?" "Get rid of that toaster." "you guys almost scared the poop out of me." "This is about the carpool,and if you don't come with us right now,there may not be one anymore." "Oh,my god." "I have to come up with a clever plan." "Daddy's taking out the garbage." "***" "***" "***" "***" "***" "Uh,hey,guys!" "***" "Oh,my god." "there it is." "***" "What is going on out here?" "You don't see us." "We're getting rid of your problem toaster." "Then why are you stealing my blender?" "I thought it would look more realistic." "gracen?" "***" "***" "*** what is going on here?" "Well,that's funny." "The guys and i collectively have been having some problems in the car,right?" "And you know what?" "It's the toaster,okay?" "It's the toaster." "And the way you've been throwing your money around." "And something about being on top." "You guys can go now." "Okay." "I'm okay." "Dougie." "Yeah?" "Go through the door." "Right." "Laird." "My blender." "I was jealous,all right?" "You make more money than I do." "I don't make more money than you do." "You do." "You do." "I saw your bank balance." "My bank balance?" "How did you get that?" "I am a mediator." "I move in any circle." "I cannot believe you'd snoop to get my bank balance." "Me either,but wow." "I mean,what a number." "Gracen,that was the mortgage company's money." "It was in there for,like,a day." "how dumb do I look?" "Pretty dumb." "I'm sorry." "All right?" "I'm sorry." "I-I... you know,I..." "lately,I've been losing my place,you know,with this whole "my money" and "your money" and-- no,I'm sorry.I..." "I never should have called it "my money. " It's our money." "Let's pool it." "We should,right?" "So that way you'll know when I spend... $400 on a toaster." "$400?" "I thought you said $200." "Oh,grow up." "Does thi mm-hmm." "After all,you did save me from those really scary burglars." "I did." "here." "Gee,thanks,laird." "Bye." "Hope I didn't mess things up." "Ah,no,no,actually,things between us are pretty good... if you know what I mean." "I think I do." "So were you the toaster or the toast?" "My friend,I was a little bit of both." "Gentlemen,let's carpool"