"[ cheering ] [ music ]" "madison square garden." "[ cheering ] new york city." "[ cheering ] i started my career in london at covent garden as a street performer." "covent garden is an area in london." "we used to call it the garden." "we used to go out and do shows in the garden, and now i'm at the garden." "[ cheering ] a long fucking way." "and it's the american dream, baby." "it's the american dream." "but in fact, i'm european so it's the european dream." "so, god, i'm actually nervous." "[ cheering ]" "[ humming ] yes." "So, tonight, i thought i'd talk to you about everything that's ever happened with some gaps." "and that's because you people, you are the chosen people." "not chosen by god, but self-choosing chosen people." "but i'm happy if there would be a god." "if there is some rhyme and reason to what he's doing, i'm happy if he can come down right now and explain himself." "never comes." "he's never come to any of my gigs." "we send invites." "We put them up the chimney." "santa claus came one time." "i'm hoping that if he did come, he'd come there and i'll be looking like this." "he'd turn up there." "that'd be to show he has a sense of humor." "but i can prove there is no god." "there's two little proofs i have here." "one, that he doesn't fucking come down ever." "and two, if there was a god, he would have flicked hitler's head off." "don't you think?" "you see, now, some people say," ""oh, god's not supposed to intervene."" "well, fuck off then, you know?" "a lot of people have gotten to a lot of cold stone buildings and mumbled very positive things towards him." "he could at least have flicked hitler's head off, don't you think?" "hitler left clues." "that book, "mein kempf,"" "which is german for "i'm gonna kill everyone."" "i mean, it was during those speeches, he looked--you know, he doesn't look like he was talking about happiness, was he?" "he was going, "i'm gonna kill them." "i'm gonna blow them up." "I'm gonna cut them up."" "and during one of those speeches, if god had just put his arm through the building in a monty python style and just go... thumpf." "and all the nazis would go... hey!" ""god, we got a leader who can do that with their head." ""hey, nazis." "Number one, nazis." ""number one, nazis." "Number one, nazis." ""number one, nazis." "his head has come off." ""let's join the farmers' party, shall we?" ""no, we're just going for a weis. thanks."" "which means pee." "i was an agnostic, which is, you know, it was a good place to be in case he is there." "and you go, "no, i really did." "I was with you." "i was, you know."" "i decided i'm an atheist or nontheist." "i just don't believe in the floaty boat." "and--yup." "[ cheering ] apparently, there are a billion people who don't believe in god in the world, so quite a big sort of congregation." "i don't know if that's the right word, is it?" "what a big group." "if we all get together and do nothing." "what's he doing?" "if there is a god, he has more than one son." "i'm pretty sure of that." "I think jesus proves that." "aesus, besus, cesus, desus, eesus, fesus, jesus." "just logic, yeah?" "hesus, iesus, jesus, kesus, Iesus." "pesus, pesus, the deliveries." "Pesus." "jesus, always fucking around." "Fuck off, jesus." "he's fucking tied me bits together." "cesus was a roman emperor." "oh, fuck." "dictator, i should say." "and then besus, covered in bees." "[ cheering ] so, yes, there's god." "God must be crazy." "i just--well, the beginning of the world, right?" "beginning of the world is 4,500 million years ago." "if you're very religious, it's 6,000 years ago." "they're on a totally different thing." "i just--i can't go with the religious boys, 'cause the science boys, they've got glasses." "they've got almanacs." "They've got petri dishes." "they've got bunsen burners with two speeds." "that one and that one." "[ humming ] they're working at it." "they're looking at magnetic fields." "4,500 million years ago, the world-- place your bets." "Place your bets." "start spinning." "we turn up five million years ago." "why the long pause?" "if a god created the earth, i wanted the seventh day for prayer." ""why the long pause?" as the barman said to the bear." "and the bear replied," ""'cause they've gotten stuck in the lift door."" "it's an old joke from the beginning of time." "so, now, the dinosaurs, i thought between us and the beginning of time, the dinosaurs ruled the earth during this time." "but no, dinosaurs right up close to us, 165 million years." "so a long time." "we've been doing five, they did 165." "and the dinosaurs are crap." "165 million years of these bastards, they all got up in the morning and all of them, without even saying-- even the flying ones, they got up in the morning and they just went... rawrrr!" "that's it." "There's no other bit." "there's no--later on, they did some serious work." "they're just big dogs and not friendly." "not with the licky-face friendly stuff." "they're rubbish." "Except the raptors." "i must admit, the raptors, they are, you know, in the spielberg film, those raptors, they got in, they open the door, they quite glow, downloaded porn from-- playing card games." "i don't know what they do." "But they seem quite clever." "and they look at about our height as well." "you put a little porkpie hat, little small trilby type hat on a raptor and i think, you know, it looks like one of us." "it could pass as one of us." ""Is this your car, sir?"" ""yeah."" ""do you realize how fast you were going?"" ""ooh." "Oh." [ laughs ] [ groans ] "very busy."" ""i realize you're very busy, but there's rules."" "[ groaning ]" ""you're doing 53 miles an hour."" ""53?"" ""45."" ""no, it was 53." "I've got a...finger."" ""now, laughing at your own jokes, then."" ""could you show me your license?"" "[ groans ]" ""look, it's a raptor." "It's a raptor." "sarge, sarge, sarge." "Where's sergeant?"" "there's always extra police in here." ""sarge." "Sarge." "Give me the bazooka."" "[ bazooka fires ] poof." "shit." "thanks so much." "i never knew how to end that scene." "so i just kill things with bazookas now." "i got that from you." "it's kind of an american foreign policy thing." ""hi, how are you?" "Yeah." "Good to see you." "all right, bye."" "[ fires bazooka ]" ""why did you kill me?" "i didn't know what to say."" "[ humming ] what?" "What?" "Yes, and then?" "so dinosaurs, dinosaurs crapolla and they didn't pray." "no dinosaur churches." "we're pretty damn sure." "we've talked to a lot of people who dig things out of ground and they said no dinosaur-- very few dinosaur vicars or priests going-- [ groaning ] thank you very much." "a few used to do that." "when you had to go to church, you go in and some people go down and do--praying on their own." ""what are you doing?" ""he hasn't started yet." "Getting some in early?" "oh, you wanna go to heaven, don't you?"" "i don't think i'm going to heaven, by the way, guys." "anyway, so-- [ mumbling ] and then dinosaurs-- [ mumbling ]" ""welcome to the days." "now sing hymn 409, all things bright and beautiful."" "[ humming ]" "¶ great and small ¶" "¶ all things wise and wonderful ¶" "¶ they don't live on the planet at the moment ¶ who would make that?" "what god would create monsters for 165 million years that just go rawrrr?" "a god on crack cocaine, ladies and gentlemen." "[ inhaling ]" ""jesus." "Besus, desus, ensus, look." "look at this crazy ones."" "[ inhaling ]" ""dad, they're monsters."" ""i thought i'd start with monsters."" ""you've done nothing for four billion years and they're monsters."" ""you got to try this stuff."" "[ inhaling ]" ""it's called crack."" "obviously, after 165 billion years--come on now."" ""missed."" ""oh, that'll work."" ""who did that with my dinosaurs?"" ""it wasn't me." "besus, ensus, i didn't fucking do anything."" ""ensus, elsus, kasus, get zedsus over here."" ""uncle jesus."" ""oh, you're fucking in england now."" "the ez pass, the ez pass." "i--we say zed." "so the e-zed pass 'cause i kept going through the tunnel and-- the e-zed pass, why the fuck is it called the e-zed pass?" "could not get that for a few years." "e-zed pass, the e-zed pass." "the e-zed pass." "The e-zed pass." "The e-zed pass." "E-zed pass." "a bloke called e-zed built it." "I don't know." "that must have been the-- what are they called?" "the--who's the guys in the boat?" "the pilgrims." "what?" "The pilgrims." "who?" "no, the guys who came over in the plymouth rock?" "the pilgrims." "Pilgrims." "Thanks." "this is scripted." "This is scripted." "all these people telling me stuff, i planned for that to happen." "i can't remember what i was gonna say now." "obviously the pilgrims, they gone on a boat and they said, "all right." "Fuck zed, okay?" ""we're not gonna say zed anymore." ""we're gonna say zee, all right?" ""let me get the whole ez pass." ""it'll make sense, all right?" ""come on, we're gonna talk like this now." "Yeah." ""whoo." "Yeah." ""we're gonna pray in such an extreme way" ""that maybe we'll set fire to witches." "Yeah."" ""salem, that sounds good." "Let's head up there."" "when salem happened, we weren't doing anything." "we were being really nice." "so dinosaurs, bye-bye." "we turn up five million years ago and it gets interesting around the stone age." "before the stone age, i'm not sure how we hunted 'cause we didn't have stones to hit things with." "so it must've just been, you know?" "and sometimes, an ox." ""There's an ox stuck in the mud." ""we could kill it and eat." ""guys, i'm starving." "Help me." ""where is everyone?" "Fuck it." ""oh, help my hand." ""oh--ah, fuck." "Fuck." "son of a--stupid stone."" "[ pounds rock ] aah!" ""that'll work." "That'll work." ""hi." "You're stuck in the mud?" ""this is rough, isn't it?" "It's the rainy season." "it's april, rainy." "I--we haven't got words for it yet." "is that a badger--" [ pounds rock ]" ""yes." "Guys, guys."" ""what is it, steve?" "What is it?"" ""i've invented something." "what?"" "[ pounds rock ] "ow." "That's genius."" ""i thought we should call it something." ""actually, this could be the beginning of an age." "do you realize that?"" ""well, that's what i thought."" ""we'll call it the age of big things" ""that fall over when hit by small," ""dense things that are much denser on the periodic table."" ""stone age."" ""stone age, yeah, that's more pithy."" "so the stone age began, probably on a tuesday at about half three." "the stones were used as hitting tools, cutting tools." "you could cut the skin off an animal that no longer needed it." "[ cutting sounds ]" ""are you sure?" -"yeah, i'm fine."" "[ cutting sounds ]" ""steady."" "[ cutting sounds ]" ""thank you so much." ""i'll wear it with pride." "people of these caves--"" "[ groans ]" ""people--" [ groans ]" ""people of the caves where i live by the hill with the thing--" [ groans ]" ""i have killed--" [ groans ]" ""and now--" [ groans ]" ""i wear--" [ groans ]" ""steve, you're gonna hang it up till it dries." "otherwise, you're just gonna be lord of the flies."" ""shut up, piggy."" ""oh, oh, now everyone thinks you're very literate now." "i see you grabbed the book that you got for christmas."" ""shut the fuck up." "i'm doing a show at madison hexagonal arborie."" "so the stone age began." "now, stone napping is the art of getting a stone looking for the folds in the stone and you chip away." "it's not just a haphazard chipping thing." "you chip away with the natural faults in the stone and then you make arrowheads and ax heads and stuff like that." "and they believe that stone napping, the art of it, was passed on with the use of language." "they think that language was developed to pass this on about a hundred thousand years ago." "now before language, i don't see how you can have religion." "i think we've been searching for god every since then." "but before that, you can't have a god with religion." "i think-- this is my analysis here-- because how can you articulate a vengeful god, a merciful god with no words?" "how can you go-- [ speaking gibberish ]" "and i have learned all this stuff through wikipedia." "yes." "now people frown and moan a bit about wikipedia." "oh, the information can be tampered with." "but before wikipedia, we just had conversations that went like, "how do you make jam?" ""steve, freddie, sally, mr." "Mingi, lady bad crumble?" "kenny?" "Rogers?"" "two people." "and if they didn't know, if all your friends didn't know, that was it." "you wouldn't know about jam." "you wouldn't join a library and get the books." "you'd just forget it." "but now you can look up on wikipedia." "jam, wikipedia, 'cause jam was invented in 1497 by mr." "And mrs." "Jam." "and after about five lines, you get bored out of your mind, have you noticed?" "and then there's something in blue and it's underlined, then you click and then goes helicopters." "helicopters was invented in 1783 by mr." "And mrs." "Helicopter, often used to transport jam around." "helicopters, spoon." "spoon is often--make helicopters out of spoons if you're really clever." "and sometimes you click on the blue thing and it says," ""there is no page for this thing."" "and we go, "why did you put it in blue?" "don't put it in blue if you haven't got a page."" "because we have trained-- self-trained we are." "like pavlov's dog, remember?" "pavlov would ring a bell and the dog would make a pavlova." "[ tick, tick, tick, ding ] pavlov go, "that's a big crap."" "and the dog go, "i've got no thumbs."" "but we learn about this stuff all on our computers." "i have an apple macintosh computer." "you may have a pc." "It doesn't really matter." "that's right." "[ Laughs ] is that the future wars?" "there's gonna be people coming up hitting each other with computers." "but apple macintosh, you know, it's very smooth and sexy." "you can touch it and have sex with people and they're fine." "and you're tip-tapping away these days, and the thing come says," ""would you like a software update?"" "and you go, "yeah." "I don't see why not."" "it's like a latte thing." "it says, you just carry on working and we'll update it while you're doing it." "okay." ""would you like to know details of the software update?"" "you go, "no."" "well, sometimes you go, "yeah," and it goes-- [ swoosh ] and you go, "i don't know what that means." "there's just--"" "updating security." ""Oh, that's pretty good."" "spoon-bending monkey chaps and they go," ""oh, okay, we'll take them all."" "and then it puts up the blue line, the blue line of time appears on our screens and the blue line controls our lives." "it has controlled time in a way that einstein never believed possible." "for we're sitting there tapping away and it says," ""8 minutes to download, 7 minutes to download," ""6 minutes to download, 8 minutes to download," ""2 minutes to download, 9 hours to download, 6 seconds to download, 8 minutes to down--"" "einstein would have gone, "what the--"" "e does not equal mc squared." "e equals pn to the 5 times 10 to the monkey 9." "and then it says okay, download, all the numbers count out, and then it does that stripy one and it goes," ""ooh, thinking about it, thinking about it." ""oh, i don't know." ""shall we give him the update?" "I don't know." "i'll think about it."" "someone's putting things in drawers and shit." "and before you're gonna get the update, it says," ""sign in your agreement with itunes."" "and i don't know about you, but i have signed many agreements with itunes." "i don't know what they want from us anymore." "don't they realize we agree with them?" "they must be paranoid at itunes going, "we must ask them again one more time if they really, truly--"" ""we've asked them 38 times." "no, one more."" ""i'm just not sure if they agree with us."" "and they have made us liars." "We cannot tell the truth." "you cannot reprimand your children." ""no, johnny, you said you didn't have a biscuit," ""but there's crumbs on your face and you did have a biscuit." "you have lied."" ""but you said you had read the terms and conditions" ""when you tick that box." ""it was too quick for you" ""to read the terms and conditions." "you read them in a blink of an eye."" "the truth is no one in this room has read the terms and conditions." "no one in new york has read the terms and conditions." "no one in the universe." "even god has not read the terms and conditions." "that's probably the big gap between the beginning of the earth and when we fucking turned up." "he was reading the terms and conditions of the thing he just made." "'cause anything could be on the terms and conditions." "Anything." ""we'll take your buttocks and sell them to the chinese." "Fine."" ""we're going to re-arrange your toes and number them." yes, yes." ""we're gonna put your underpants and shoes around--yes, fine."" "'cause you get to that point you want the update." "you didn't know what it was, but now you want it." ""give me the fucking update."" "and then you got the update and nothing has changed." "if you have a pc, i think it's a very similar thing." "you open the computer." "You switch on the computer." "you put the handle in, and you turn the handle." "[ engine chugging ] then in a loud voice, in a clear voice, you have to say, "chucks away," and they pull away wooden wedges from your computer and it begins to rumble." "and a man walks ahead of you with a red flag, then you put on the 78 record and on the needle." "and an opera singer tells you about the updates." "[ singing opera ]" "i've worked up--by the way, anyone could do opera." "just get a huge pa system, an aircraft hangar and a microphone." "anyway, we were hunter-gatherers and we were killers." "we were killers." "and i think we have decided, without the power of god telling us, just naturally, you know, just decided that killing is not necessarily good." "'cause people in the old days like assassins, very interestingly, they used to take hashish to alter their minds." "they took off and do killings." "and that's where the word assassin comes from." "they took hashish and they were initially called ashashins." "this is true." "this is in wikipedia, so do check it out." "it's even on the west wing, if you watched that." "i saw an episode." "it is." "It's true." "Yeah." "so obviously someone was going, "help yourself to hashish." "and then we'll go do ashashinations."" "what?" "Are you sure?" "'cause for my money, you know, it's the wrong drug to take before you go do anything." "it's the right drug to do when you're gonna do nothing." "surely, more cooky, speedy type drugs rather than... [ inhaling ] and then someone saying," ""we're gonna knock off a mars bar factory right now." "i am in position."" "[ sighing ]" ""this is..."" ""oh, what?" "I'm here, i'm here." "Yeah." ""i've got a briefcase." "I'm on the roof." ""i just hope it's the right roof." ""this is a lot of roofs." "hang on, hang on." "I'm putting it together."" "[ click, click, click ]" ""what the fuck is this bit?" ""see, i have five-- doing the thing." ""glue wing to the fuselage-- transverse" ""what the fuck is an air" ""hang on, i've got the wrong instructions." "i'm gonna test it."" "[ whirring ]" ""all right, i got some good news and bad news." ""good news is it works." ""bad news, it's not a gun." ""it's a vacuum cleaner." ""shall i throw it at him?" ""no, it's not very accurate, but it's got a fantastic element of surprise."" "then there's the nature of killing of war." "nowadays we have films and television." "we can get, maybe not a visceral sense of what war is like, but we get an emotional sense." "back in the old days, we had the famous battle in england called the battle of hastings," "1066, a thousand years ago almost exactly, and you were either at that battle or forget it." "you hadn't got a clue what was going on." "you had to look at the tapestry to find out what went on there." "the bayeux tapestry, they made." "weavers were photojournalists of the day." "they were the-- they were obviously at the frontline going, "come on."" ""don't look at the weavers." "Don't look at the weavers." "just keep moving."" ""weave, motherfucker." ""more red thread, bring up red thread." "it's a battle." "For god's sake."" ""just, can you slow down a bit?" "you're going too fast."" ""shoot someone in the eye." ""we've already done that panel, would you?"" ""william, give a big wave." "Give him a good haircut." "these haircuts are fucking weird."" "around the time of henry viii, he's one of our more famous kings, the six wives of henry viii." "He kept going through them like a strange marrying man." "the first one was catherine of aragon, second one was anne boleyn." "by the time of anne boleyn, they were paparazzi." "weavers were paparazzi." ""all right, anne, how are you doing?" ""you gonna marry-- you gonna marry henry viii?" ""just push your breasts up just a little bit." ""what about your sister?" "Is she gonna marry?" ""ooh, that would be bigamy." "Is she a virgin?" ""oh, hell, i'm sewing this to my leg." ""hang on." "Keep your hair on." "keep your head on."" "[ laughs ]" ""i've sewn this to my leg again." "Is that a problem?"" "so we were hunters." "We were gatherers." "i would have been a hunter, not a gatherer because gatherers are incredibly boring." "gathering is essentially going, "12, 13," ""12, 13," ""12, 11, 12." ""fuck it, i'm not getting anywhere." "how many have you got?" "i got three."" ""the warriors are gonna kill us when they get back."" "and when they returned, "we have killed buffalo" ""and bison and beavers and badgers and balloons" ""and bees, which is very difficult." "how many berries do you have?"" ""a total of seven."" ""it's a bit shit." ""we've been away for two moons." ""that's almost three years or something." "never mind." "Make us a smoothie."" "that's what we lived on, raw meat and smoothies." "but then the ice left, the ice fucked off and said," ""good luck." "Invent fridges."" "so the ice went, and then we became farmers." "and farmers is a step up in civilization and a massive step down in sexiness." "it really isn't sexy, you know?" "there's no farming films." "That's how you can tell." "there's no bruce willis in farm hard." "[ humming ] farm hard 3." "this time it's arable." "they've taken over the nakatomi farm, man." "bruce mcclane is in the roof." "He's got all the manure." "we've got no methane to do any--the bang thing." "it wouldn't work, you see?" "And farmers, they grow crops." "we eat the crops." "We need farmers." "they do this wonderful job, but it's not exciting." "so that's why they keep animals." "i'm pretty sure that farmers keep animals to make it more exciting or rock and roll 'cause they keep the noisy ones." "have you noticed, old macdonald's farm?" "full of noisy animals." "they don't keep otters." "They don't keep beavers." "they don't keep weasels." "They don't keep rabbits." "none of the quiet ones." "all the quiet animals, "fuck off, quiet ones." "we want big, bulky, noisy ones."" "cows go moo and sheep go baa and dogs go woof and cats go ping and chickens go cock-a-doodle-doo, which is stupid." "it's just such an odd noise." "it's supposed to wake up you in the morning but they do it all day." "i've been in their farms." "I've been quite near farms." "if i was a farmer, i'd go nuts." "i'd just wedge a trumpet on their face." "and then they'd go... [ imitates trumpet ]" "and the farmer's wife go, "what is that?"" ""there's a jazz chicken."" ""what the fuck is jazz chicken?"" ""oh, a trumpet fell on his face."" ""fell off a shelf?"" ""no." "Well, i wedged it on his face" ""'cause he was making cock-a-doodle-doo" ""all the time, cock-a-doodle." "i want to get some music."" ""but he's got no lips." "how does he make an embouchure?"" ""i sewed bacon rind onto his beak."" "that is insane." "but that should be on discovery channel." "'cause then every morning he'd be woken up by... [ imitates trumpet ]" "and then donkeys would get their tails and go... [ imitates cymbals ] [ imitates trumpet ] and passing frogs maybe-- might stand on their tongues maybe and go... [ imitates bass ] i don't know quite how frogs get into a farm situation" "but i was looking for long-tongued animals." "maybe that's what happened to baby j who was born in the manger and... [ imitates jazz band ] three wise men came." ""oh, it's a jazz club." "That is--"" "[ imitates jazz band ] now, noah, he knew about animals." "noah built an ark and there was a flood." "they say that god told him to build an ark, but i don't know." "i think a number of us in this room, if it was raining and there was a huge flood about to happen, i think a number of us would have said," ""fuck it." "I'm building a boat."" "you know, he built a boat." "and it wasn't an ark." "It was a boat." "an ark, it always look silly 'cause it's a big u-shape with a little shed on the top and out of that is a lion and tiger doing this." "and obviously, you never see any of the compartments or anything that went on or where the toilets were." "so he made a boat." "He made a boat." "what did he put in the boat?" "His family." "what else?" "All the animals he could find." "did he put two of every animal in the world on the boat?" "no." "How can i be so sure?" "try it." "i'm happy to be proved wrong." "i just need discovery channel to say," ""and today, we're gonna do two of everything on this boat." "then let's visit the toilets later."" "it will be a nightmare." "everything had to be on the boat, from two dung beetles to two giant squid and everything in between." "all the fish, they never get mentioned." "it was supposed to kill two-- you know, kill all the bad things and start again with two of everything, including the fish." "I mean, sharks." "sharks are bad." "Very few good sharks." "very few sharks going, "we found a child." ""he was thrashing around" ""in that area of danger, don't you see?" ""we thought we'd bring him in." "Yes." ""well, it's a new thing we're doing." ""we're trying to-- and public relations." "Yes." "i'm sharky, the friendly shark. "" "¶ sharky, the friendly shark ¶" ""you've seen my program, have you?" ""no, he only had one leg to begin with," ""so i don't know what that means."" "that ark would be a nightmare." "Two of everything on the boat." "giant squids sticking out of cupboards, going, "is she there?" ""is mrs." "Noah there?" "There's no towels." ""can't find any towels and the mini bar doesn't work." ""it's not stocked." "Some sort of non-stocking-- well, it's got socks in there anyway."" "oh, for fuck's sake." "Giant squid diary." ""day one." "Long time to go." ""dear trip adviser, got to the ark." ""everything rather damp and a little disappointing." ""i've seen two cats, two dogs, two squirrels, two mice," ""two chipmunks." ""eat them later as hors d'oeuvres." ""must wikipedia what that means, just the etymology." "seem to be running... out of ink."" "then there's the two-by-two thing." "that doesn't work." "All right." "there's noah and his sons." "All right shem, ham, japheth." "here we go." "They come two-by-two." "two lions, two tigers, two cats, two dogs, two squirrels, two mice, two llamas, two unicorns, two zebras, two chipmunks, two of those things." ""how many is that so far?"" ""so far, two lions, two tigers, dad."" ""should be-- oh, for fuck's sake."" "it wouldn't work, would it?" "lions and tigers will eat everything." "it's like putting four students on a boat with a load of cake mix." "do you remember cake mix?" "You made it as a kid." "your first time you made it and you made it, and you put the stuff in and you didn't put the stuff in." "and now, well, your mom probably put the stuff in and then you did all this stuff." "and then you pour it out and then they said you could lick the spoon." "and you went, "all right-- [ mumbling ] does this happen to-- is it..."" "[ mumbling ] and there's a whole plate of it, and then it was put into the fire and it came out less good than it went in." "it was cheese when it went in, and it came out, ooh." "the whole ark story doesn't make sense." "and when--after 40 days and 40 nights of rain, which is only 40 days of rain, isn't it?" "40 days and 40 nights." "the nights are implicit, aren't they?" "it's all built-in." "i mean, you know, when you go to hotels, you say," ""i'm gonna stay for three days."" ""will you stay for the nights?"" "after a month and a bit of rain, they'd be there from the bible." ""we're here from the bible." ""it's the day when the ark" ""the ark is just coming into view, 40 days and 40 nights of rain."" ""wonderful." "Welcome." ""the audience from around the world here" ""on bbc world service," ""and i wonder if we can have a word with noah and his wife," ""and here he comes." ""mr." "Noah, could you just tell me" ""sorry, ladies and gentleman." "He's not stopping there." ""maybe there's some sort of reception" ""he has to go to." ""the lions and the tigers are coming." ""hey, lads, how was it?" "How was it on that" ""i can't seem to stop the lions and the tigers either." ""obviously maybe going to the toilet or something." ""i'm not sure what all that is about," ""so we're waiting for one of the other animals." ""there's a lot of-- i can see on the top deck" ""what looks like strawberry jam." ""a lot of strawberry jam." ""so they obviously had a lot of sandwiches." ""and here's a squirrel." ""mr." "Squirrel, mr." "Squirrel, could you tell me how it was on the ark?"" ""it was a nightmare, man." "It was a fucking nightmare." ""it was the biggest nightmare." ""those stripy bastards, they killed everyone, man." ""they're all dead." "They're all dead." ""there's no one there." "Oh, my god." "i hid in a biscuit tin, man." "It was fucking insane."" ""were they chocolate hobnobs?"" ""i didn't fucking know." "Why the hell you wanna know?" "are you a biscuit freak?"" ""well, what happened to your wife?" "why isn't she on the boat?"" ""she got away, man, on a boat with an owl and a pussycat."" ""did they take some money and plenty of honey?"" ""i don't know." "I didn't see." "i think they took a gatling gun, some soap, and a razor, some chain mail and some iodine."" ""that's not very poetic."" ""it wasn't poetry, man." "They were fucking escaping." "who are you?"" ""this is the bbc world service, broadcasting from some-fucking-where."" "let me tell you about giraffes 'cause giraffes are interesting." "they're one of the silent ones." "They don't have a danger call." "if a giraffe, when it's spending it's time in africa, if it sees a tiger, it would experience two emotions, fear and surprise, two of the emotions of the spanish inquisition." "as monty python have taught us, fear because it is a tiger and surprise because there are no tigers in africa." "what's it doing there?" "It must be on holiday." "i've tried this scene with lions, and it doesn't fucking work, so just go with me, okay?" "so he sees a tiger, and the giraffe turns, and there's no noise." "There's no... [ imitates trumpet ] there's no... [ caw, caw, caw ] there's no danger sound." "if they had a jazz chicken around his neck, at least it'd go... [ imitates trumpet playing reveille ]" "and then they'd all retreat into twos, break into fours, pull back." "this joke is very funny a hundred years ago." "back in the early 1800s, when a lot of that shit was going on, this really kills." "no, there's nothing of that." "all the giraffes can do-- if you look in wikipedia, giraffes can cough, so they must cough using the ancient british method of coughing to express alarm, distress, and the end of empires." "so the giraffe sees the danger, turns, and goes... [ cough, cough, cough ] other giraffes... [ cough, cough, cough ]" "[ cough, cough, cough ] tiger." "[ cough, cough, cough ] tiger, tiger." "there's a tiger over there." "[ cough, cough, cough ] there's a bloody great big tiger over there." "[ cough ] tiger at 4 o'clock." "tiger." "tiger." "Tiger." "Tiger." "[ cough, cough, cough ] [ cough, cough, cough ]" "that's how they do it." "[ cheering ] so what am i talking about?" "What was i talking about?" "i am talking about, ladies and gentlemen, what is the meaning of life?" "i don't know if there's a meaning of life." "i think there isn't a meaning of life." "why are we here?" "I have no idea why we're here." "but while we're here, we may as well do civilization." "it just means being a little bit british, you know?" "a little bit, good morning and how are you?" "walk on." "can't stand the man myself." "civilization kicked off with the egyptians and the sumerians." "i don't know much about the sumerians 'cause i haven't wikipediad them." "but the egyptians, they did stuff." "they worshiped the sun god ra, which is slightly more logical than worshiping an invisible god, chris, as the christians do." "if you're a christian, you should be worshipping chris, shouldn't you?" "dear chris, i'm a christian and...amen?" "they quite like that, but not really like that, okay." "but he's invisible." "But the sun god is there." "he's there every day-- well, not the sun god, but the sun is, every day, and it's something more logical." "i think--i think they call them ra, and they had a song for ra." "¶ hurrah for ra, he lives just over there ¶" "¶ he comes up over there, and he goes down over there ¶" "¶ i'm an egyptian, not a cowboy, they've really gone too far ¶" "¶ hurrah for ra, he's a bit of a star ¶ [ cheers and applause ] you're just applauding 'cause i sang a song." "that's how easy it is." "these singers get a way with a hell of a lot." "they go ding-dong-bang, ping-pong-pang." "hey, motherfuckers." "you see?" "that song is on sale." "also in cd." "fuck it up, motherfuckers." "along with the ra, hurrah for ra song." "i think hurrah for ra would work." "they also have a written language." "the ancient egyptians had a written language, which was a nightmare for these news readers." "here is the news in ancient egypt:" "dog with a cat's face, cat with a dog's face, man with a beautiful woman's face, eye with legs, a pot with legs, two dogs, rabbit with enormous--what is that?" "i think a cat, a dog or some sort of thing, a mammal, one of those." "it seems the orgy in the zoo continues into its fourth century." "here is janine with the weather." "thank you." "It'll be sunny forever." "thanks, janine." "now we're going over to our studio in ancient greece." "and the greeks, they're more fun than the egyptians." "i like the ancient egyptians." "they did some great stuff, but the ancient greeks, they got into athenians." "they invent democracy." "It's a greek word." "demos means people, ocracy is a kind of inflatable cat seat." "we think." "We're not sure." "The translation's a bit tricky." "they had city states, the athenians, the thebans, the bingibangians, the spartans." "the spartans were fantastic." "the spartans were, you know, elite troops, a nation of elite troops or a city state of elite troops, bastards, complete nut bags." "they attack the country next to them, enslave those people for 400 years, and humiliated them for 400 years." "bastards, really." "and they--the men, of course, were... [ Grunts ] you know, the spartan men...[ grunts ] spartan women...[ grunts ] spartan children..." "[ Grunts ] spartan dogs, woof." "Spartan cats, meow." "spartan moles, aah." "spartan sheep, shh, silence." "they were ninjas." "They were ninjas." "they would wear bandannas around the head with the japanese writing that they didn't understand 'cause they were sheep." "and they would creep up on their prey." "they would creep up-- no, they creep up on their predators." "the sheep would creep on their predators." "how insane is that?" "They were just mad." "They had signals." "they would just creep along in the dead of night." "[ poof ]" "how are the sheep doing?" "and they'd creep." "They'd creep up on the wolves." "the wolves would go, whoa." "he's a sheep." "we eat sheep." "is this delivery?" "but the sheep, they had no fear." "they would sit up on their hind legs and they'd remove a rusty blade from out of their..." "Fancy swaths." "and they would shear themselves in front of the wolves." "[ scraping ]" "come on." "and they'd pull up the skin on their legs, just a little bit." "and the wolves will go, this is all wrong." "grab their clothes and run." "so the wolves in sheep's clothing would run down the hill." "that's right." "they'd run into local markets, and they'd order smoothies and never pay." ""why didn't you take their money?"" ""they said they'd invoice me."" "they were wolves in sheep's clothing." "and it started the whole spread of that wolves in sheep's clothing, dog's in cat's clothing, rabbits in buffalo's clothing, mice in ant's clothing, and the voles in mole's clothing." "the voles are very small moles, so voles in mole's clothing is gonna... and then mole in voles' clothing, which is much more... the spartans fought a famous battle, the battle of thermopylae, made into a film by shirley temple" "called on the good ship lollipop." "it's an anagram." "on the good ship lollipop, battle of thermopylae." "it's exactly the same letters." "it's almost exactly the same letters." "shirley temple, of course, known many years ago for mop-top songs." "¶ i'm little mop top i'm a tip-top top ¶" "¶ i've got a mop top on my top ¶ they said you know," ""why do you wanna do with in these films?"" "she said, "i wanna kill people in this film." "i wanna stab them with forks and spoons."" "but shirley, you do mop top, tip-top." "i wanna-- and she was very powerful in those days." "not in hollywood terms but just big form, and...a lot of spinach." "and so they let her do the film, and she filmed it." "on the good ship lollipop and the battle of thermopylae." "those two merged together." "On...[ swoosh ]" "stop." "Stop." "[ swoosh ]" "¶ lollipop ¶ they filmed it." "They edited it." "they tested it on kids in america." "the kids exploded." "and so they took it back and they re-edited it and they took all the violence out." "and now if you watch on the good ship lollipop, you can't tell that it was once about the battle of thermopylae, except in some scenes where shirley temple just got a little bit of blood coming out of here." "[ humming ] her left eye is all wrong." "i can see too much." "¶ i love you." "I love-- ¶ oh, the horror!" "[ whispering ]" "¶ singing a song sunshine, sunshine ¶ anybody spilled blood?" "¶ lollipop, lollipop ¶ spikes." "but the spartans were crazy, tactically very clever." "they would oil themselves before battle so they could never be taken prisoner." "i got one." "it's like fighting fish over here." "and strategically very clever." "they were fighting the persians, you see?" "they got the persians to attack in a very narrow place, which was the corridor of the student union party." "get all the beer out the back." "and this is 300 spartans against 10,000 persians, 100,000 persians." "no one knows how many persians." "scholars now think it was all the persians." "if you're around on that day, you could just nip into persia and help yourself to cats and carpets." "[ meow, meow ]" "move it back there." "hey, man, what are you doing here?" "put the carpet in the back, man." "forget the cat." "[ meow, meow ]" "i don't understand that scene." "so, yeah." "now, the greeks, they fought in a organized group of battle-- group of men, rectangular group called the phalanx." "and alexander the great's dad, whose name was phil, and--she knows him-- phil of macedonia." "you married him, actually." "just a guy called phil, or actually phillip of macedonia 'cause that's just-- they're different things." "and he said, "i know." "i'll give the phalanx 18-foot spears,"" "which, in metric terms, is 7,000 meters." "now--long spears, right?" "so you couldn't get at them." "you couldn't get at them 'cause they had 18-foot spears." "the only way to get at them is if one of your group sacrificed himself to break up the group." "[ swoosh ] ha ha ha ha." "¶ hello ¶" "¶ i don't know why i'm here ¶" "¶ or who am i ¶ ha ha ha ha!" "[ foonk, foonk ]" "[ swoosh ] ha ha ha ha!" "this started out as such a good day." ""it works, it works." ""18-foot spear." ""god, he's heavy." "wiggle him down the other end."" ""huh?"" ""wiggle him down the other end."" ""all right."" "just like a really lonely game of table football." "[ foonk, foonk ] shit." "he's caught on the stopper." ""it's not a stopper." "It's a spearhead."" ""i don't know." "I've never seen the other end."" "hang on." "this reminds me of something." "well, it gives me an idea." "have we ever put screens on the front of chariots?" "something like this could remove the excess water from the screen." ""what?"" ""it's just an idea."" ""fucking bonkers, you are."" "okay, that's better." "i can have him closer to the fulcrum." "a little bit intimidating." "hang on." "okay, i got it." "[ humming ] [ cheers and applause ] then the romans came, and the romans, they cut through the whole phalanx with short swords." "how did they do it with the short sword?" "they became bacon slicers, ladies and gentlemen." "they went...[ swoosh ] hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on." "my fucking spear." "bong." "bastards." "good afternoon." "[ grunts ]" ""where are you from?"" "[ grunts ]" ""very far." "just down the road."" ""hey, man, what are you doing here?"" ""fucking loads of them."" "et tu, you brute." ""can i keep this?" "Can i keep this?"" ""no, it's mine." "Fuck off."" ""no."" ""okay, good."" "the romans, they took over everything." "they could do that." "They had aqueducts, viaducts." "they can move ducks around faster than anyone ever had." "and the romans did all this with a language that we know from school is silly." "it's a silly billy language." "it has a nominative, a vocative, accusative, a genitive, a dative and ablative." "fuck off." "how did they do so much with a language so silly?" "how did they do that?" "when hannibal, the famous general, hannibal, from carthage, whose father was called hamilcar, a famous general as well." "and so hannibal, he knew what he was doing." "he was a trained general, and he came with revenge in his heart." "and he crossed across the mediterranean, through spain, up over the alps on elephants, which is crazy." "and you know the story, so you're," ""yeah, he came on elephants. "" "but it's like coming on pandas." "yeah, it's that weird." "and he did this--i mean, how could the elephants get over the alps?" "they must have been going, "fuck, yeah."" ""it's all right for you, dumbo." "You can fly."" "and then they must have-- and 60 started off." "only one made it." "there must have been just one elephant." "when they started falling down the alps, most of them dying tragically, just one, one elephant who just had it, just... hannibal going, "look at that fucking elephant."" "extreme elephant, baby." "Look at him go." "with his tail--his tail?" "His trunk going all over like a businessman's tie." "hannibal going, "i'm with him."" "but it must have scared the shit out of the romans." "the romans hadn't lost battles, and now they were losing." "and how did they get the message out?" "'cause the military, roman military, famed for its organization, with a language that was silly, silly, silly?" "how did they do it?" "messengers come running," ""centurion, centurion, centurioni." ""centuriatus." ""sawe, centurion." "Sawate?" "Sawawe?" "sawe, sawawe, sawawi, sabibi, sawawe."" "[ mumbling ] sawate?" "Sawate?" "Centurioni?" "Sawawe?" "Centuriatus?" "quid pro quat." "Quid pro quo." "[ speaking gibberish ] huh?" "wait a minute." "[ speaking gibberish ]" ""arrivederci?" "No, that's bye-bye."" ""veni vidi vici." "Veni vidi fucking vici."" ""si." i know." ""Veni vidi vici."" "oh, for fuck's sake." "[ speaking gibberish ]" ""xxixivmm..." ""hang on, xicmm... what was it?" "Cixxxid."" ""12?"" ""a million?"" "[ speaking gibberish ] wait, wait, wait." "[ Speaking gibberish ]" ""don't believe us, ask panthagoratus." "huh?" "Infinitatus?" "Fucking impossible artist." "i just tried and his fucking fingers fell off."" ""pi?"" ""oh, thanks, man."" "[ speaking gibberish ] hannibal is coming 'round the mountains when he comes." "he's coming 'round the mountains when he comes." "he's coming 'round the mountains, coming 'round the mountains, coming 'round the mountains when he comes." "¶ singing ¶ [ speaking gibberish ] "pink pajamas?"" ""don't think so."" "[ speaking gibberish ]" ""quad the fuck?"" "[ speaking gibberish ]" ""front passes elephantine, maximum squirrel," ""upside downus, back to frontus." ""back partus, biggest piggus ever seenus."" ""fuckus duckus." "motherfuckus."" ""run, motherfuckus."" "now, that is half an hour of conversation." "now, here it is... here it is in english." "Here it is in english." ""hannibal's coming." "hannibal?" "What with?"" ""with soldiers." "how many?"" ""lots." "what else?"" ""elephants." "what are they?"" ""pigs and squirrels." "run."" "seven seconds." "That's what happened." "english, the language that you speak and i speak, the language that's become the lingua franca, whatever the fuck that means, around the world." "it's taken off because on it's basic level, it is terribly simple." "you know, we have apple and apples." "i wanted apple." "I'm gonna give you an apple." "that apple came to me." "i'll send you an apple of the apple to the apple, by the apple, both." "it's just fucking apple and apples." "and it will be applor, appleatus, applatus-- fuck all that." "but someone, one of us, years ago, a bunch of them got together." "i don't know who it was." "but clever, clever-- no masculine." "is it masculine or feminine or neuter, the apple?" "it's a fucking apple." "Stop fucking around." "[ cheers and applause ] yeah, the english language, it's crazy." "oh, in it's simple level." "on it's more advanced level, english is very complicated, of course." "if you said a complicated line of english, like, mr." "Stevenson transgressed the dictatorial nature of his surrogate friend when he intimated the explosive nature of the conundrum." "that's quite complicated, isn't it?" "i don't know what the fuck means." "but, you know, it's just-- you try adlibbing a difficult line." "they're difficult." "that's why they're called difficult lines." "there's a whole page on difficult lines." "lost everyone." "Okay." "anyway, the romans, they all died in a chariot crash on the appian way." "where the appian way, meets the b459." "there's that really nasty turn-in." "see, all the roman citizens were trying to get on-- they were on the chariot." "They were trying to do that" ""how many can you get in a mini" thing?" "and suddenly, the windscreen wipers failed 'cause the hamster burnt out." "it could have happened." "and so the classical thinking died in 410 of the common era." "and then, it went into the dark ages and the dingy ages, and the i-can't-really-see ages." "and then you got the medieval period, and then the medi-good period, and then the medi-thinking- in-a-proper-sense-way thing, and then you get renaissance and the enlightenment." "and charles darwin, in 18...[ mumbling ] charles darwin wrote that famous book, great expectations." "the story of an amoeba called pip, who went to stay at lady bad crumble's house." "and she had a very hot daughter." "this daughter was not that good looking." "she just lived on a radiator." "and pip the amoeba said, "will you marry me, hot daughter?"" "and she said...[ pblblt ] and he said, "i say again, will you marry me, hot daughter?" "i'm too small to be crushed by your snackahidis."" "and she went..." "[ Pblblt, pblblt ] and he said, "you're just making that noise." "it's not really working, for i am a single-celled organization."" "and she said, "don't you mean organism?"" "he said, "both." "We have formed an organization."" "anyway, he showed it to his wife." "his wife said, "charlie, this is shit." ""you're losing your edge." "charlie dickens, i don't think you're doing anymore."" "he says, "i'm not charles dickens."" ""who are you?" "i'm charles darwin."" ""you don't live here." and it was true." "charles dickens and charles darwin lived two vowels away from each other on dictionary lane back in hobbyton, just south of england." "so it's a true story." "so later on, in 18..." "[ Mumbles ] charles dickens wrote a very good version of great expectations where the expectations were great." "and charles darwin wrote his famous book, which was called monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey, you." "[ cheers and applause ] and that was the book." "it caused an outrage, an outrage in the monkey community." "monkeys were furious." ""we're not linked to those human jerks," they said." "and monkeys were flinging their poo at anyone who would stick a microphone in their face." "and there was a money trial." "you've heard of the famous monkey trial?" "charlton heston was put on trial by monkeys." "and there he was sentenced to two monkey films to be served back to back." "the first film was called planet called monkey town, and the second one was called let's all go back to monkey town, with similar people and do similar things." "so evolution." "you can see evolution very clearly with fish." "fish fly." "We don't fly." "We're so bloody advanced." "fish fly." "how do they get to actually fly themselves?" "they're in the sky." "They must love it." "they're, like, "oh, it's brilliant up here."" "and they must stop in trees, occasionally." "and they stop in trees." "when they stop in trees, birds will be in trees." "and birds will be going, "who the fuck are you guys?"" "and they'll be going, "we're the new fish on the block."" "and then it just becomes like west side story." "[ scatting ] and the birds start..." "[ Chirping a song ] and the fish are going..." "[ Gurgling a song ] fish can't do that, can they?" "so the fish are probably..." "[ Humming a song ] and the birds going..." "[ Chirping ] you let me, i was gonna do it for an hour." "anyway, that explains evolution quite well, i think." "then there is creationism." "creationism is when god went shazam." "[ whoosh ] and created an iphone application." "to tell what music was being played as the world was created." "if i was god, i wouldn't do six days to make the earth, i just go...[ whoosh ]" ""there it is, it's blue." "Don't fuck it up." "i don't wanna do it again."" "imagine six days, it's like, you know, my dad made a train set for me and my brother when we were kids." "i think it's like that." "i think he's making the train set." "got six days." "after about three days, small animals are going," ""who are you?" "i'm god."" ""why are you taking so long?" "Are we there yet?"" ""well, i fucked up a few things." "have you seen venus and mercury?" "they're fucking out there."" ""we got no food." "You didn't make us food."" ""all right." "So what are you, badgers?" "badgers shall eat bok choy."" ""no, we won't."" ""why not?"" ""don't like it." "It's all phlaaa."" ""it's like it died in a watery grave."" ""fuck." "All right, badgers shall eat asparagus."" ""no, that makes your pee smell weird."" ""well, who told you that?" "wikipedia."" ""all right." "Badgers eat creme brulee."" ""all right." "We would eat that." ""we would eat creme brulee, but you didn't brulee that." ""you just went--[ whoosh ] and it's creme-- it's like toast that's under--it's like weird."" ""i see badgers can be choosers."" "you try and get groans and applause on the same joke." "now, think, why are you groaning?" "'cause you've heard it before?" "i think not." "new york-- you may be new york and you may have heard every fucking thing that's going, but you have not heard the creme brulee-asparagus- bok-choy-badger-god-creation joke, i don't think." "i don't think so." "anyway, it wasn't my joke." "it was god's joke." "they don't like you, god." "new york does not like you." ""well, it's no surprise."" "so now creationism is that." "creationism, of course, has magic in there." "but through the mind sieve of a sarah palin-type woman, it turns-- [ cheers and applause ] that kind of person, that kind of oh-oh-type person, you get this intelligent design where--you know in america, and it is not really known in europe." "i don't know for the rest of the world." "intelligent design, we don't really use it." "but it's quite clever because you look at humans and think, "well, there's some sort of design thing going on there."" "well, it works and it's complicated." "it's complicated and it works it does not mean intelligent design." "there's also cancer." "what part of intelligent design is cancer, eh?" "she is crazy." "Cows have four stomachs." "what part of intelligent design is that?" "when we all have one stomach, and they could just--they eat-- cows eat it and bring it back up and eat it and bring it back up and eat it." "then it comes up for the full stomach." "cows should be going..." "[ Inhaling and exhaling ]" ""i don't know why this came back up." "it just--it should've gone the other way, really."" ""are you okay, daisy?"" "[ vomiting ] cows should be throwing up mostly." "2/3 of all cows in all fields should be going... [ vomiting ] i mean, real proper throwing up, not like film throwing up where they throw up once and that's it." "throwing up is an opera." "you can't understand a word anyone's saying and it goes on forever." "and there's at least three to five acts." "there's...[ vomiting ] and then there's a whole period of...[ breathing ]" ""do you want a glass of water? " "No, fuck off."" "[ breathing ]" "[ vomiting ] and when you throw up, everything wants to come out." "you're entire body is saying, "abandon ship." "Abandon ship."" "if we didn't have an internal skeleton, your toes would be out there." "[ vomiting ] your body's going, what the fuck what did you do?" "there's intelligent design for you." "now, the one rule i found-- which is do unto others as you'd have others do unto you, i can't do it all the time." "I fuck it up." "i get angry and stuff." "But i think it's all you need." "treat others as you'd like to be treated yourself." "Voom." "if everyone did it tomorrow, boom, we'd make it." "it's in the bible." "It's in the bible, and i'm pretty damn sure it's in the koran." "it's called the golden rule." "It's all you need." "the ten commandments comes from moses, who was a charismatic individual." " he was in..." " Hello." "and he's here tonight and he's dressed as a cow." "now, moses, he was the one in the bed of reeds." "he was brought up as-- he was a hebrew person, brought up as an egyptian, killed a slave owner and then took off to hide 'cause it was bad news in those days." "and then he went up and he became a shepherd." "so he's looking after the sheep, going, "yes, spartan sheep." "They're crazy."" ""oh, really."" ""yes." "We have bandannas with japanese writing."" ""what does it mean?" "no one knows."" ""not even japanese?" "no, the japanese forgot."" "suddenly, a bush caught fire." ""okay." "Come on. "It's gonna be a bit biblical." "come on, lads." "Let's get out of here."" "and the bush that was on fire said, "moses, come back here."" "he goes, "ooh, he knows my name." "Hang on." ""don't accept sweets from children, all right?" "what is it, o, bush?"" "vocative." ""what is it, o, bush?"" "at any time you use the vocative." "and the bush went, "moses, you must leave this place."" ""i was leaving, and you told me to come back" ""to tell me to leave, you stupid bush." "you're not the last one we had."" "[ cheers and applause ]" ""no, i mean, you must-- moses, you must leave here in a short to midterm future on a geopolitical basis."" ""oh, hang on." ""no, you're totally different than the other one." ""he couldn't say that." ""all right." "I'll do it." ""i will leave here on geopolitical-- whatever you said."" "now, think about it." "a burning bush told him to do this, and he did it." "if you were down your way and you're walking down the road and a hedge-- 'cause a bush is a hedge." "so a hedge just went..." "[ Whoosh ]" ""that hedge caught fire."" "if the hedge then went, "steve."" ""hey, it's talking to me." "hang on." "What is it, o, hedge?"" "vocative." ""you must leave this place." "leave this place and go to timbuktu."" ""i'll do it."" ""you must take everyone you've ever met."" ""of course." "I'll get them to pack."" ""and call the fire brigade as well."" ""thank you."" ""oh, for you." "I see." "Right. "" "you wouldn't do it, would you?" "you wouldn't listen to a hedge." "he listened to a hedge." "why did god send a hedge on fire?" "what about a hedge that's not on fire?" "'cause then you would think," ""oh, there's someone in the hedge who had books and stuff and a map."" "they believe it was a mistranslation, and the burning bush means he was a volcanic mountain when he decided to have the epiphany moment and decided the-- i don't know, mistranslation, 'cause everything was written in greek" "'cause of alexander the great, the hellenic thing." "and they do believe that-- well, they know that the ancient greek for virgin, ancient greek for young woman was the same word." "the whole mary thing?" "so a virgin had a baby." "Wow, start a religion." "get some posters, do the curly thing." "or a young woman had a baby." "wow." "Cigars, congratulations, have a rest, let's move on." "because i would say it takes away from the bloke 'cause i think he really exists." "i think the jesus guy, the yeshua guy-- his real name was yeshua back before was, you know, hellenizing the jesus-- i think he was a real bloke." "i think he did stuff." "and then he was the son of a mystical thing and that devalues what he did, you see?" "moses abased the burning bush, runs down and says," ""come on, lad." "Let's get out of here." ""let's take all the hebrew people." ""and then i will lead you." ""i will lead you from this desert, and we shall go to a desert. "" ""it sounds fantastically different." "Let's do it."" "all right." "We'll go tonight under the cover of frogs."" ""i'm sorry?"" ""frogs."" "there were 10 plagues that landed on egypt, and one was a plague of frogs." "and i'm sorry, but that is not a plague." "you can't have a plague of frogs." "you can only have more frogs than usual." "not a fucking plague." "a plague of flies you can have." "a plague is a disease, isn't it?" "you know--plague." "so a plague of flies is a synonym." "whatever the word is." "'cause it's flies, flies, flies." "a plague of flies." "okay." "I'd go with that." "locusts." "A plague of locusts." "frogs are on the floor." "a plague of--you'd have to-- a plague of frogs." "the frogs are a plague." "a plague." "[ mumbling ]" ""you're just sticking them down your shirt."" ""it's a plague."" "if that was from god, he had ran out of ideas." ""besus, desus, cesus, run another plague."" ""we've had nine, dad." ""a plague of flies, a plague of locusts," ""a plague of cheese makers, a plague of helicopters." "what the fuck?"" ""i want frogs."" "yes, indeed." "So they must have just said," ""look, there's lots of frogs, lads." "strap one on your head and let's run."" "and then the hebrew people with frogs on their head ran to the desert." "and the ancient egyptian said, "wait." "i've been drinking far too much."" "and they ran to the red sea 'cause a giant squid held the water back." ""good luck, lads." "All right."" "giant squid diary, day 3,000,009." "helped the hebrew people escape from ancient egypt." "saw my old friend mr." "Squirrel." ""hey, man." "What you doin' in here?"" ""oh, god. "I was enslaved in fucking egypt, man." ""it was a nightmare." "I met up with this guy."" "[ grunts ] he's the manager of this band." "[ imitates jazz band ]" ""i can't find my wife, though." "Have you seen my wife?"" ""no, i haven't seen her."" ""if you see my wife, will you call me?"" ""do you have a number?" "yeah, three."" ""okay." "Bye."" "early days." "so then the hebrew people wandered in the desert for 40 years." "and if i had been with them after 23 years, i would have said, "where are we going?" ""we're just wandering in the desert." "i'll give you 17 more years and that's it."" "and after 17--after 40 years, after 40 years, they were obviously going nuts." "everyone was going nuts." "I'm gonna have sex with my feet." "i'm gonna cut my buttocks off and use them as headphones." "i'm gonna fill myself with sand and sell myself to a taxidermist." "and moses said, "no, you can't do this." "There are rules."" ""there are no rules." "all right, i'll get 10."" ""just one would do fine." "no, 10 it shall be."" "so he runs off and comes back the next day," ""here they are." ""number one, never piss in a toaster." ""number two, don't eat barbed wire." ""number three, never put your poo in your hair." "number four--"" "after" ""you're just making this up."" ""no, we want better rules." ""rules you can write on rocks, for fuck's sake." "rock rules." "The three rs."" ""all right." and he runs off." "this time he's gone for months." "Months he's gone." "they think he's been eaten by badgers." "so what did they do?" "What would you do if your leader you followed for 40 years suddenly disappears and never comes back?" "they smelted metal." "that's absolutely what i'd do." "i would fire up a thing and melt things down to make an effigy of a cow's friend." "i have nothing else to do, not try and find him or any shit like that, or set up, you know, or go for help or shit." "i'd smelt metal." "that's my-- it's the metallurgist in all of us." "it's just the way it is." "and it's really tricky stuff." "if you've seen discovery channel, if you just do a little bit of smelting and you say," ""look, a golden calf." "Like, i don't know." "it look's like a badger who exploded."" "that looks like seven weasels attached together with each other." ""it's a calf or a dog or some--it's called kenny." "let's worship it."" ""dear, kenny, how are you?" "you've done great so far." "you haven't done much, but anyway, we're expecting big things of you." "please bring us plum cake and cheddar and--"" "and suddenly, moses came back and say, "what the fuck?"" "smelting metal." ""i've got 10." and he had 10." "and you don't need 10, but he had 10." "one of which is" ""thou shall..." "[ Mumbling ]...god, "" "which is, okay, duh." "i think that's-- that shouldn't even be one." "but then it's "thou shall not kill, thou shall not steal," which is built into" ""do unto others as you would have others do unto you."" "do you want others to kill you or steal your stuff?" "no, probably not." "so don't steal, you know?" "it's self policing." "and then the other seven are all "don't eat wood and stuff."" "i mean, no one can remember them, but there's one in there which is just a wild card thrown in." "you know, like they put it in, you know, like, in a contract just to make sure you're reading it that no one ever reads." ""thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ox."" "what?" ""thou shalt not really, really like thy neighbor's ox."" "not steal it, kill it, shoot it, have sex with it, blow it out of a cannon." "just like it, want it." "you can offer money, but what's the fucking problem?" "they've got people killing each other and stealing stuff and you're worried about coveting oxes?" "maybe there was a whole plague of that going on." "steve likes freddie's ox." "Freddie likes jack's ox." "jack likes roger's ox." ""ah, the ox is always greener around here."" "people going around, "have you seen steve's ox?" ""it's fantastic." "It's got such a big face." "just--i can't put it out--it's the most amazing ox i've seen."" "bloody coveting oxes again." "I can't stand it." ""thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ox."" ""he's not my neighbor." "he lives across the road, in number 23."" "it must be a typo or a scribo." "It must have been." "yes, oh, please, repeat the word "scribo."" "i just came up with that." "It must be." "it was not "thou shall not covet."" "it's "thou shall not cover thy neighbor's ox."" "don't cover them up." "Don't hide them." ""where's my fucking ox?" ""i've got 10 fields to plow or the kids will die." ""we have no food." "There's no bloody ox." ""jim, have you seen my ox?" "Oh, for fuck" ""where's your duvet?" ""you've lost a duvet and i've lost an ox." ""i'm gonna talk to the militia 'cause some thing," ""some duvet-ox stealer." ""i mean, what kind of crazy--oh, no." "there's your duvet." "Hang on there, man."" "[ whoosh ]" ""that's my ox." "You've covered my ox." ""though shall not cover thy neighbor's ox." ""oh, jim." "i think you're gonna go to hell on a technicality."" "now, i'm gonna finish up by talking about going to the moon, because you went to-- not you guys, but i guess, you know, it'd be the squash." "the whole madison square garden is a spaceship." "now, when you landed on the moon, that was the point where god should've come up and said, "hello,"" "because if you invent some creatures, you put them on the blue one and they make it in the grey one, then you fucking turn up and say, "well done."" "it's just a polite thing to do." "he should've been there, going, "well done." ""kneel." "Kneel." "Well done." "You nailed it." ""you made it to the moon." "Yes." "Buzz, are you buzz lightyear?" "are you buzz lightyear?" "Are you buzz lightyear?"" ""nah."" ""well, relax." "Take your shoes off." ""relax." "This is the moon." "This is where i live." ""i live on the dark side of the moon, yes." "i live here with darth vader and pink floyd, yes."" "[ imitating darth vader breathing ]" ""good afternoon."" "that's pink floyd... and this is darth vader." "[ imitating darth vader breathing ] [ high pitched voice ] "hello." ""my voice box is fucked up." "hello."" "also on the moon we have mr." "Squirrel here." ""hey, man." "What are you doing here?" "there's no atmosphere, man, except for these guys."" "[ imitates jazz band ]" "ha ha ha!" "[ Grunts ]" ""hello, is that a child?" "i've lost it again."" "and also, we have our wise old scribe, the giant squid." "giant squid diary, day 5,000,927." "star date, monkey, cheesecake, helicopter." ""so the humans made it from the blue one" ""to the grey one, well done." ""but will they make it to the end of the 21st century?" ""it's up to them, man." ""they've got to think out of the box." ""it's up to them and that audience" ""at madison square garden at that gig in new york." ""they have to think big." "They have to make it happen." "i hope they do,"" "says the giant squid from the ship nostromo, signing out." "that's all for me." "Thank you very much." "madison square garden, new york." "Good night." "[ cheering and applause ] [ music ]"