"Happily Divorced is shot before a live audience." "Peter, why won't you go with me to Barry and Vicki's cocktail party?" "We go every year together." "Yeah, when we were a couple." "I just feel out of place." "Come on, haven't you been somewhere where you're the only straight person?" "Yeah, our bed." "Come on!" "Don't make me go by myself and stand there all alone." "What if nobody talks to me?" "At least when we're together we can smile at each other, and do our pretend chat and laugh." "If I do that by myself, people are gonna think I'm a lunatic." "Franny, you have got to start learning to do things without me." "Believe me, I have." "But I don't think it's that kind of party." "Now, come on." "What do you have to do that's so important that you can't come?" "I'm going to gingo." "What the hell is gingo?" "Gay bingo." "Okay, I'll go to gingo with you." " Nope." " Why no?" "None of the other gay guys are bringing their ex-wives." "Miss Fran, I brought my son." "Oh, there you are!" "You won a prize." "Oh, a prize!" "For what?" "For the raffle ticket you bought for Julio's boys and girls' club." "Oh!" "Well, what did I win?" "A basket of fruit?" "A t-shirt?" "A cruise to Mexico." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, sweetie!" " Aren't you sweet?" " Franny." " Oh!" " You're gonna break him." "It's a cruise, I won a cruise." "I know you did." "Come on." "Calm down, it's just a ticket to Mexico." "Two tickets to Mexico." "Two tickets to... oh, my God!" " Be careful, he just ate." " Oh, Fran!" "We've always dreamed of going on a cruise to Mexico!" "Yeah, but you know, that was when we were a couple, sweetie." "I've got to start learning how to do things without you." "Oh." "You just said that because that's what I said to you." "Gingo!" "Please take me on the cruise to Mexico." "But Peter, I don't think any of the other gals are taking their gay ex-husbands." "Come on, who else are you gonna take?" "Hey, Oprah!" "It's Gayle!" "Wait a minute, something's different." "What did you lose?" "Like, 10 or 12 pounds?" "Oh, puh-lease." "You obviously found out about this cruise from Cesar." "You're so transparent." "As you will be if you lose one more pound," "Miss Perfect!" "All right, fine, Cesar told me... and in the nick of time." "Baby, you need to take Gayle on this cruise." "I mean, what's better than two single ladies picking up men on the high seas?" "One single girl and her ex -husband who won't be competing for the same seamen." "All right, this is ridiculous." "I'm not gonna stand here and listen to the two of you fighting over me." "Oh, go ahead, Judy." "I have so little in my life." "Really?" "Is that what you're gonna go with?" "Come on, Fran!" "We have such a history." "We love traveling together." "We're the perfect companions." "We wear the same size shoes." "And I really need this vacation." "I'm recently divorced." "Who's fault is that?" "I found two grey hairs on my chest." "So did I." "Oh, my God." "This is like Sophie's choice!" "Sophie chose the boy." "Ma, I got a problem." "Can I talk to you a sec?" "Your mother got a part in a musical at the community theatre, and she's having an affair." "Ma!" "You're in a musical?" "Vito is just acting a part, Glen." "You're only upset because for the first time in my life," "I'm doing something without you and having fun." "This is what an affair is." "Meanwhile, ma, I talked to you on Tuesday, when did you become an actress?" "Wednesday." "I saw an ad in the Encino Gazette, and it sounded fun." "And I started thinking," "I've never done anything without your father." "It was a little scary at first, but I'm glad I did it." "Of course she's glad, she met her Italian stallion." "Daddy, stop." "You should be supportive of mom." "Doing something on her own is a big thing for a woman of her generation." "What do you mean, my generation?" "Well, it's not like mine." "I mean, we're more independent." "We do our own thing." " What?" " Darling, we love you, but when did you ever do anything on your own?" "Excuse me, but did I not go away to camp?" "You were home before sunset." "You told them you were orthodox." "Well, it was fat camp." "I was afraid to go to sleep." "The other kids looked like they were gonna eat me!" "You were afraid to go anywhere and do anything by yourself." "That's why we called you a scaredy cat." "You called me that?" "Well, not in front of you." "What kind of parents you think we are?" "You know, I'm sorry, but I've done things alone." "Did I not go away to college?" "With Judy." "Well, after I graduated from college," "I got my own apartment." "With Judy." "Well, Judy eventually moved out." "Yeah, when Peter moved in." "Meanwhile, your wife is having an affair." "Admit it, darling, you've never done anything without Peter or Judy." "Now what is your big problem?" "Well, I won this cruise to Mexico, and I can't decide whether to take Peter or Judy." "I've made my decision." " Toblerone." " Shea butter." "So who you taking?" "Neither of you." "For the first time in my life," "I've decided that I wanna do something alone." " Is she kidding?" " I don't think she's kidding." "Look, guys, I really feel like" "I wanna do something all by myself." "You can understand that, can't you?" " You understand that, Judy?" " Nope." " Do you understand, Peter?" " No." "I mean, personally, it sounds a little selfish." "Selfish?" "I'm being selfish?" "All I ever do is worry about the two of you." "Judy's all by herself tonight, let's invite Judy." "Judy's alone on Saturday, let's make sure Judy comes." " Judy's not..." " Judy gets it." "And you, every time you need me, I'm there for you." ""Oh, what's this weird mole?"" ""Oh, I can't feel my thumb."" ""Ooh, measure my face, I think my eye is drooping."" "It was drooping." "You know, this is really, really difficult for me." "I have finally mustered the courage to do something on my own." "And the two people that should be supporting me the most are making me feel horrible!" "Thank you, this is lovely." "Sweetie, I didn't mean to make you feel horrible." "Listen, I understand, you wanna be alone, that's fine." "But just don't do it on a cruise." "Remember, you almost fell off the boat at pirates of the Caribbean." "If you're gonna go on a cruise, go with someone else." "I don't care if it's me." "Take Judy." "Yeah, take me." "I know." "Why don't you two go?" "What?" "What?" "Is something wrong with the boat?" "No, no." "I really need to be alone." "You guys wanna take the trip." "You go, I'll stay home, and we'll all be happy." "No, ab... no." "This is your trip, you should not be the one giving it up." "Shut up." "Seriously, this is something that I really need to do for myself." "So you go and enjoy yourselves." "Oh, thank you so much, Fran." "You know what, I've never had anybody be so generous to me." "I don't even know what to say, except well, since you're not going, can I take the shea butter?" "Oh, yeah." " Here." " Judy." "She just gave you a free cruise to Mexico, and you're taking your gift back?" "I will personally buy you the shea butter on our drive down to Long Beach when we stop to get some sweets, because my blood sugar..." "Oh, here, here." "Three, two, one... 5:00 p.m." "Here's to being alone." "Still 5:00." "Eh, Fran, sit down." "Contemplate." "Get to know who Fran is." "Well, what do you know?" "I'm a little boring." "Oh, company!" "Okay... be cool, you've had company before." "Oh!" " Hello, little girl." " Hi." "Would you like to buy some cookies?" "Oh, of course I would." "You know, I am starving." "I didn't go shopping at the market 'cause I thought that I was taking a cruise, but I ended up giving the tickets to my best friend Judy and my ex-husband, who still lives with me... you know, because of the economy." "It's kind of a long story." "I'm happy to tell it to you if you got the time." "Would you like to buy some cookies?" "Yeah, I'll take two of everything." " Thank you." " Wait a minute, wait a minute." "Where's my cookies?" "I don't have the cookies here." "Well, where the hell are they?" "They come in three to six weeks." "Well, what kind of a sick joke is this?" "I'm starving." "So why don't you go to a restaurant?" "Oh, 'cause I'm..." "I'm all by myself." "So?" "You've never been to a restaurant by yourself?" "No." "Seriously?" "You're like 80." "I've got an idea." "Why don't you come into the house," "I'll get my purse and coat, and then I'll take you out for some ice cream, little girl?" "Stranger danger." " Stranger danger!" " No, no!" "No, no, no!" "Good evening." "How many?" "Uh, one." "Excuse me?" "One." "I'm sorry, if you don't speak up... one, all right?" "It's not like I was never married." "Right this way." " Thank you." " You are very welcome." "Single here!" "Hi." "I'm Chad, I'll be your waiter." "Oh, hi, Chad." "Gee, this special looks interesting, can you tell me about it?" "You can't have that." "It's for two." "And you're alone." "Uh, well, I was just curious about it." "Um, can you get me a vodka, please?" "I don't think I should serve you." "I smell alcohol on you." "Were you home drinking alone?" "I just had one glass of wine, and I came over in a cab." "Why am I explaining myself to you?" "Because you have no one else to talk to?" "Just bring me my drink, please." "Oh, hi, I'm Fran." "Oh." "Sorry." "She's alone." "Are you ready to order?" "Uh, you know, I thought I could do this, but I can't." "I know you're gonna find this hard to believe but this is the first time I've ever been in a restaurant by myself." " Get outta here." " It's true." "It turns out, I'm afraid to be alone." "I was afraid to go to camp," "I never went to Europe... well, epcot." "I never lived alone." "I went from living with my parents, to living with my girlfriend, to being married for 18 years... until my husband came out." "Wait, wait, you were married 18 years and you didn't know he was gay?" "I'm sure there must've been signs, but I didn't see them." "Maybe you didn't wanna see them 'cause you'd end up alone." "You like sea bass?" "Chad, you are so right!" "I was afraid to be alone, and that's why I didn't see the signs!" "Did you see the specials?" "How many things did I miss out on in my life because I was afraid to be alone?" "And what was I so afraid of?" "Here I am in a restaurant!" "I'm alone." "It ain't so bad." "How's the pasta alla checca?" "It's a little garlic -y." "Who cares?" "I'm alone!" " Oh, hi, Cesar." " Hola, Miss Fran." " Oh, you look nice!" " Oh, thank you." "A man finds an independent woman muy caliente." "I bet when Mr. Peter gets home, you and he are going to... oh, right." "Maybe you will get lucky at the party, eh?" "Ah!" " I'm home." " Oh, hola, Pedro." "Worst three days of my life." "Oh, what happened to my gay caballero?" "Well, Judy met a guy going up the gangplank," " and I never saw her again." " Aw." "Except for the end of the cruise, when he dumped her going down the gangplank." "Oh, well, I guess we were both by ourselves, huh?" "Yeah, I think my weekend was just as miserable as yours." "Oh, mine wasn't half bad, actually." "I found out that you can be a party for one, and it doesn't mean that you can't be a party of fun." "I wanna tell you all about it, but it'll have to wait because I'm running late for Barry and Vicki's party." "Oh, gosh, is that tonight?" "All right, all right!" "I'm a little tired... but I will go with you." "Oh, that won't be necessary, sweetie." "I'm just gonna get the bottle of wine that Barry and Vicki gave us, that we gave them, that they gave us back, and I'll catch up with you later at ma's show." "Sweetie." "I said I would go with you." "But I said that I didn't need you to go with me." "Fine, go by yourself." "Okay, thank you, I will." "Is that what you're wearing?" "Why?" "What's the matter with it?" "Nothing." "If that's, you know, the look you're going for." "What is the problem, Peter?" "It's no problem." "It's just that I would've picked something that, you know, had a little more..." "You know what I'm beginning to think, Peter?" "That you have the same problem that I had." "Because for 18 years, you didn't see the signs either." " What signs?" " This, this." "What, the pumpkin pillow with the batik border?" "Sign!" "Fran, what are you talking about?" "You're afraid to be alone, too." " Uh, that's ridic..." " Oh, yes." "Fran, come on, that is ridiculous." " That's what it is." " I'm the one who told you to go off and do things by yourself." "Only because you didn't think that I would." "But now that I have, I don't think that you like it." "I think that you prefer me to be a little bit needy." " Oh, come on." " Yes, that's the reason." "Yes, I really love you being needy." ""Peter, Peter, can you turn the tv on, please?"" ""Oh, Peter, there's a coyote in the driveway."" ""Peter, does my ass look big in these pants?"" "Come on, why the hell would I like that?" "Because you need me to need you." "And now you're just freaking out on me, because I don't need you anymore." "I need you to move your car." "♪ Dance with me" "♪ Make me sway" "♪ Like a... look at you, daddy, all smiles." "What's a matter?" "You're not jealous of ma's love of Vito anymore?" "Please, a real man is confident." "He don't worry about competition." "♪ Like a flower bending in the breeze?" "♪ Bend with me" "♪ Sway with me" "Let me guess, Vito?" "This is who your mother thinks looks like Antonio Banderas." "She looks more like Antonio Banderas." "♪ Sway with me" "Honey, I'm gonna run to the men's room." "I don't wanna get stuck behind 12 angry prostates." "Okay." " I'll see you at the cast party." " Bye." "Hey, Fran." "Hello." "So you think they're gonna take this show on the road?" "Only in an ambulance." "All right, fine." "Maybe I do like thinking that you need me." "And?" "It's all my fault, and I'm sorry, and you look really thin." "Okay." " I'm sorry, too." " Really?" "What are you sorry about?" "Well, we both have a little responsibility in this." "I mean, you need to be needed, and I'm needy." "We were the perfect couple." "Then you changed." "You know, that big change that you made." "That forced me to have to change too." "I think what you're trying to say is that you're not gonna need me as much anymore." "That's correct." "So if there was a big bug in the bathtub," " you would go and get that." " No." "You're still gonna do bugs, vermin, and vacuuming the living room." " And you will... ?" " Continue to grow and change." "Well, that sounds fair." "I'm on this big journey of self -discovery." "And do you know what I discovered?" "No, what?" "You can order pasta alla checca with chicken." "Hey, you know what?" "I had pasta alla checca, on the ship." "Except for it was with polio." "That is chicken." "Aw, Petey." "I missed you." "I missed you too, Fran." " Hey, Fran." " Yeah?" "You look really pretty tonight." "Oh, thank you." "How about you?" "I forgot how handsome you look with a tan." "You know... we don't have to go to that cast party." "No, we do not." "What do you wanna do?" "I don't know." "What do you wanna do?" "Mm, mm!" " What did I tell you?" " Mm." "It's phenomenal." "Chad, hit us again." "The restaurant closed an hour ago." "Mm!"