"(barking orders)" "Now, remember, Billie, while I'm gone," "I want you to get those daily work reports on the colonel's desk every morning at 0900." "Check." "Okay." "You sure don't give warning." "Out of the blue, you're off on a 15-day furlough." "Shh." "Quiet." "I told you not to breathe a word about my leaving till I'm safely on that train to New York." "Don't worry." "Sergeant Bilko won't find out." "What's the matter?" "You afraid he'll get a furlough, too, and follow you to New York?" "Oh, now, don't get me wrong, girls." "I'm crazy about Ernie-- you know that-- but let's face it, I see him every day in the year." "Dates, dances, picnics." "Ernie and I, Ernie and I." "I owe it to him to get away-- for his sake." "Yeah, for his sake." "I have friends in New York I haven't seen in years." "I want to spend some time with them." "Men." "Men." "You girls don't seem to understand." "These are merely friends." "I owe it to them to call them." "Sure." "I'll check you out, Sarge." "You going to stay with those two schoolgirl chums of yours?" "Millie and Fern?" "Not unless I'm desperate." "Well, there it is." "Now I'll take these furlough papers to the colonel," "and then I'm off." "I'll see if I can wrangle a jeep" "to take you to the station." "Good." "(whistling)" "All clear, Sarge." "She ain't here." "(humming)" "Wowee, Ernie, a 15-day furlough to New York." "Quiet!" "Not a word till I'm safely seated at that ringside table at the Latin Quarter." "Here, Fender." "Have Lieutenant Anderson okay that trip ticket." "Fender, where's Kadowski with the jeep?" "He'll be here." "He'll be here." "Okay." "I don't get it, Sarge-- all this secrecy and hush-hush about going on a furlough." "I've heard guys make more noise getting ready to desert." "Do you believe this?" "Do you b..." "Look at these two." "Don't you understand?" "If Joan finds I'm going to New York, she'll want to tag along." "Yeah, but, Sarge, you and Joan are..." "Yeah, ha-ha!" "That's it-- me and Joan." "Me and..." "look." "Me and Joan swimming." "Me and Joan playing tennis." "Me and Joan at the platoon picnic." "Me and Joan!" "We're getting to look like Eddie and Debbie." "Gee, Ernie, I thought you were crazy about her." "I am crazy about her, but look, fellas, even the oldest horses like to nuzzle in new pastures." "And may I say something, with this little list, gentlemen, when I get to New York, there's going to be some very fine nuzzling. (laughs)" "Wow." "Look at that list of phone numbers." "Linda..." "Huh?" "Mimi, Yvonne, Lola." "(laughs)" "I don't like this, Sarge-- two-timing a nice girl like Joan." "You don't like it." "Sir Walter Raleigh!" "Who's two-timing?" "I'm sharing the wealth." "(chuckles)" "You know these poor girls haven't seen me in five years?" "Five years without Bilko." "Can you imagine what that's like?" "We haven't had the pleasure." "Oh, the groanings of a man who married too young." "Madeline, Greta, Linda, Amalia, Carol," "Zsa Zsa..." "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop." "You're frightening me." "Five years without Bilko." "Can you imagine what they're like now?" "They're nothing but snarling, clawing savages." "Thank heavens I have Blue Cross." "(laughing)" "Hey, Sarge, all those girls?" "Oh, that's just a few." "There were hundreds!" "Look." "See that?" "How do you think I got that way?" "From worry?" "No." "That's from giving away locks." "I gave away so many, it did something to the roots." "He's not kidding." "Cynthia, Selma, Phyllis..." "Oh, oh!" "Phyllis?" "Scratch that out." "What's the matter with Phyllis?" "That's the one I left standing in front of Radio City Music Hall five years ago." "Remind me to stay away from Rockefeller Center." "She may be still waiting with a gun." "(laughing) -(horn honking)" "Hey, there's Kadowski with the jeep." "On the double." "Oh, here." "You, keep the football raffles going till I get back." "Right, Sarge." "And you, any of the boys want some privacy, rent my room-- the usual rates." "Right, Sarge." "Is there anything else?" "No, I just got to get the colonel to okay this, and then it's 15 days of..." "(humming)." "HOGAN:" "I'm leaving right away." "Yes, I'll call your sister when I get to New York." "New York?" "Oh, Ernie, I'm terribly sorry." "It's just that the furlough came out of the blue." "I didn't have..." "New York?" "Well, don't take it so hard, Ernie." "You had a furlough, and you said nothing?" "Sergeant Bilko, about your furlough." "Uh..." "Furlough?" "Uh, yes, an emergency." "It just came up." "I have to take it." "You didn't, uh, fill in your destination." "My destination." "Where are you going?" "Um, uh, Wyoming." "Wyoming?" "Yes." "Cheyenne, Wyoming." "There's this friend of mine, owns a ranch right outside of Cheyenne." "It's roundup time." "He's a little short-staffed." "I thought I would help him." "You understand." "Of course." "Of course." "And, uh, you're going to New York?" "Well, I know..." "Uh, where will you be?" "Why?" "Well, I..." "I just want to... well, I may want to get in touch with you." "You never know." "Well, I haven't decided." "I mean, what area will you be in?" "Will you be in Manhattan, the Bronx, Staten Island?" "Where?" "Well, as a matter of fact," "I changed my mind about going to New York." "I was just going to tell you, Lieutenant." "I changed my mind." "I'm going home to Sumter, South Carolina." "Sumter, South Carolina?" "Yes, that's right." "Say, that's a good idea." "Might be a lot of fun." "Oh, I don't know." "It'll be pretty dull." "Just my folks." "Dull?" "Can you imagine me moseying along on a horse?" ""Get along, little d..." Funny." "Funny!" "Well, um..." "Well..." "Bye." "Bye." "Good-bye." "Have a nice furlough." "Thank you, Lieutenant." "Say, Lieutenant," "I would like to chan..." "Listen, I changed my..." "Uh... so long." "Have fun in, uh..." "South Carolina?" "South Carolina." "And you have fun in, uh," "um, uh..." "Uh, Alaska." "Where?" "Uh, Wisconsin?" "Uh, I don't... um..." "Oh, yeah." "Wyoming." "I have such a bad sense of direction. (laughs)" "Good-bye, Lieutenant." "Good-bye." "Bye." "Have a nice time." "ANNOUNCER (over intercom):" "The Florida Special on track 18 for Baltimore, Washington, Richmond" "and points south." "It's really a lovely servicemen's center." "I'm sure you'll enjoy yourself." "I wonder if I'll run into" "anybody who can play chess." "Oh, yes, there's a tournament" "every Thursday. -# Won't you come home, Bill Bailey?" "#" "Oh, thanks very much." "# Won't you come home?" "#" "Oh, Sergeant." "Yes, miss." "We have a lovely servicemen's center here." "There's Ping-Pong and chess." "Ping-Pong!" "You must be kidding." "(laughing)" "Well, if there's anything I can do to help you have a good time..." "Oh, I'll have a good time." "I'm all ready." "If you'll just show me where the phone booths are." "Oh, they're right over there." "Thank you." "No offense" " I'm just not much for Ping-Pong." "(laughing):" "You understand?" "# Won't you come home, Bill Bailey?" "#" "# Won't you... # Look alive!" "Hey!" "Hut, two, three, four, hut!" "I'm sorry, Sergeant." "Who's the first girl?" "Ah, Linda Carlton, you lucky girl, you." "# Won't you come home, Bill Bailey?" "#" "# Won't you come home?" "#" "# I've been gone the whole night through. #" ""In case of emergency, call Mable, Templeton-2, 1-1-2..."" "Oh, how desperate can you get?" "(humming)" "(line ringing)" "Hello, Linda, baby, you lucky girl!" "Your troubles are over." "This is, uh, dreamboat!" "MAN:" "She don't live here no more, dreamboat." "Oh." "Thank you." "Mimi." "Mimi." "Hello?" "You say her phone was disconnected?" "How long ago?" "OPERATOR:" "Three years ago." "Oh, thank you." "Oh, Stanley, I just got into town, and I thought I'd give you a call." "What a tough break." "Just when I'm all packed to leave town." "Oh, you are?" "I'm off on my honeymoon." "Oh, a honeymoon." "Oh!" "Well, I'm awfully happy for you, Stanley." "Say, baby, when I get back, maybe we can get together." "You say she moved?" "Did she leave her phone number?" "OPERATOR:" "Yes." "Will you take it down?" "Yeah, go ahead." "Central-6, 3-5-7." "Central-6, 3-5-7." "Amarillo, Texas." "Texas?" "!" "Do you want her zone number?" "No, thank you very much." "Well, of course, Bill, I understand." "I just called to say hello." "Well, you know how it is, Joan." "Oh, of course." "Taking your kids to the circus comes first." "Well, bye." "Now, Operator, you admit you have Miss Peterson's phone number, but it's unlisted and you refuse to give it out." "May I tell you that you're speaking to a member of the Armed Forces?" "Now, what if there's an invasion?" "I'll connect you with Civil Defense." "No, thank you very much." "Yes." "George." "George." "George Baker." "WOMAN:" "I'm sorry, ma'am." "He was transferred to Cleveland two years ago." "Cleveland?" "Thank you." "No." "No, no, little girl." "Don't tell your mommy anybody called." "Thank you." "Bye." "Hello?" "Hello, Fern?" "This is Joan." "Joan Hogan." "Cookie, when did you get into town?" "Just now." "Now, you get right over here." "You hear that, Millie?" "Oh, this is wonderful." "I'll be right over." "(line ringing)" "Ernie!" "Ernie!" "Oh, I'm so glad you followed me!" "My name is Victor." "Oh...!" "Oh, I'm terribly sorry." "I thought you were my Ernie." "Sorry, Sergeant." "I got troubles of my own." "(line ringing)" "WOMAN:" "Hello?" "H-Hello!" "Lola!" "Yes." "Lola Schultz?" "Baby girl, this is Ernie Bilko." "Ernie, sweetheart, where are you?" "I just got in town." "You're the first one I called." "Oh, now, Ernie, you get right over here." "Oh, I'll cook you the best meal." "Ernie, it's been years." "Yeah, I haven't changed much." "I just learned a few new holds." "(Lola laughing)" "Now, you take down this address." "Go ahead." "I'll take it down." "I..." "Baby doll!" "LOLA:" "It's 12573 East 78th Street." "Apartment 12-B." "Ernie, are you getting that?" "(muffled):" "Mm-hmm." "Oh, look at you!" "After five years, the same fascinating beast." "Ernie, who are you talking to?" "Wait a minute, Lola." "Uh, I don't think I can place you." "Oh, I haven't changed that much." "Come on." "I've got the limousine double-parked." "Limousine?" "You're looking more familiar every minute." "LOLA:" "Hey, Bilko, what's going on there?" "Wait a minute, Lola." "Well, look, if you've got something else on..." "No, no, no, no." "Nothing at all... (chuckles)" "Oh, you are something." "Limousine." "Uh, Lola." "Yes?" "Are you still driving that '33 Essex?" "Yes." "Good-bye, honey, an emergen..." "I'll see you around, honey." "Well, my love, shall we go to your chariot?" "Oh, Victor, Victor, gee, I..." "Hold that." "Victor?" "Who's Victor?" "Well, aren't you Victor?" "Jane!" "I'm Victor!" "Oh, Victor!" "Oh!" "Oh, gee, Soldier," "I'm terribly sorry, but..." "It's all right." "It's all right." "These things happen." "Honey, you look beautiful!" "Got the car outside?" "Lola." "On the double!" "Hut, two, three, four!" "Sorry, Sergeant." "(line ringing)" "LOLA:" "Hello?" "Hello, Lola." "I was only clowning." "Drop dead." "(click)" "Sore loser." "Well, back to the drawing board." "Now, now, look, you two have dates..." "We're getting you a date, and you're coming with us." "MAN:" "Hello, Fern." "What's up?" "Uh, look, Lenny, an old college chum of ours" "just got into town." "How old?" "Uh, stop joking." "Uh, Millie and I are going out tonight..." "And you want to stick me with this blind date?" "Sorry, Fern." "See you round." "Bye." "Try Bill Harmon." "Oh, don't bother." "Uh..." "Hello." "Is this Hershkowitz's Candy Store?" "Look, will you run upstairs and tell Rhoda that Ernie Bilko is on the phone?" "MAN:" "Sorry." "She moved four years ago." "Thank you." "But, Bill, what about your roommate?" "Bob?" "He's got a date, too." "Sorry." "Bye." "(line ringing)" "Operator, will you try?" "I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel." "OPERATOR:" "I'm sorry." "There's no answer." "Well, that does it." "Oh, Operator, what are you doing tonight?" "I'm sorry, sir." "We do not give out that information." "Thank you very much." "That's real friendly of you." "Well, that really does it." "(line ringing)" "Hello, Mable, I'm a stranger in town." "MAN:" "Hello, stranger." "This is the fire department." "Big joke!" "Sweetheart!" "Oh!" "It's really you!" "Victor went that way." "Victor?" "Ernie Bilko, don't you recognize me?" "Phyllis!" "Phyllis!" "Oh, you dirty dog, you didn't even write once!" "Oh, I can hardly believe it!" "Oh, Sam!" "You wonderful guy!" "Who's Sam?" "You know, I shouldn't talk to you the way you left me standing in front of the Music Hall that day!" "Oh, Sam!" "You dog, you!" "Who's Sam?" "Ernie, it's so great to see you again." "MAN:" "Phyllis?" "Are you Sam?" "Uh, this is my husband Sam Southcross." "Oh, how are you?" "Ernie Bilko." "Why, Ernie, hello!" "Hi." "Phyllis has told me all about you." "Phyllis, don't..." "Don't start..." "Oh, did she, really?" "I've-I've had a lot of things" "I've got to thank you for, Sergeant." "You have?" "Phyllis, please." "The way we met, you see." "When you stood me up in front of the Music Hall that day." "Gosh, I wish we'd known." "We're on our way to Connecticut." "How about it, Ernie?" "A nice rest, fresh air?" "Cut it out, Phyllis." "A soldier on furlough in New York?" "Say, if you don't have a date," "I've got a very pretty secretary." "She may be free tonight." "Oh, you don't have..." "Oh, Sam, getting a date for Ernie with the lists he's always got?" "Cut it out, Phyllis." "Well, just in case, here's her name and her telephone number." "And I understand she has a very cute roommate if she's busy." "Well, you see, I'm very busy." "I may not have the time." "Ooh, the time, what's the time?" "Our train, Sam." "Oh, yeah." "Well, good-bye, Sergeant." "Bye, Ernie." "Phyllis, Phyllis, please." "Good-bye!" "Wow!" "On the double!" "(barks order)" "I just feel terrible about this, Joanie." "I hate to leave you alone." "I can't help it." "(phone rings)" "Get it!" "(Hogan squeals)" "Hello?" "(dignified voice):" "Hello." "Have I the signal honor of speaking to Miss Fern Foster?" "Who is this?" "(gasps)" "BILKO:" "I'm a very old friend of your boss Sam Southcross." "I promised good old Sam if I was in town" "I'd give you a ring." "He just came to town." "Oh, wonderful!" "Are you busy tonight?" "Busy?" "Well, by George, I'm always busy." "But what time should I pick you up tonight?" "Me?" "I've got a date tonight." "BILKO:" "Oh, you have?" "Oh, Sam said something about a roommate." "Oh, Millie?" "Oh, she's got a date, too." "Ah..." "But wait a minute." "A beautiful girl, a friend of ours, just got into town, and I think we could talk her into going out with you." "BILKO:" "Beautiful, huh?" "Oh, Cookie's a lovely blonde." "Good personality, wonderful dancer." "BILKO:" "Cookie, huh?" "Oh, I tell you, you'd just love her." "Why don't you talk to her?" "Put her on." "He wants to talk to you." "Oh!" "Do you think I should talk to him?" "After all, I've never met him." "Talk to him!" "Talk to him." "If you think it's all right." "Hello?" "Hello, Cookie." "(phone line buzzes)" "Operator, what is that?" "Please deposit five cents for the next three minutes." "Operator, I'm all out of change." "I'm sorry." "I'll have to disconnect you." "Look, op, look, operator, all I got is five dollars." "Look, I'm stuffing it in the box." "I'm sorry." "Five cents for the next three minutes." "I gotta get change." "Change." "Hey, buddy, you got a nickel?" "Got a nickel?" "!" "Here, five dollars for a nickel!" "Police!" "Police!" "I gotta get change." "Gotta get change!" "Oh, no!" "Hello, hello?" "Oh, maybe it was just disconnected, Joan." "No, he hung up. (sniffles)" "Now, look, girls, you're late as it is." "Please, let's just go out." "Well, you come along." "Why didn't you let us know sooner you were coming?" "(door shuts)" "(phone rings)" "OPERATOR:" "I'm sorry." "There's no answer." "All right, thank you." "Well... that really does it." "(sighs)" "WOMAN:" "I'm sure you'll find someone from Boston." "MAN:" "Oh, gee, I hope so." "Soldier, you play Ping-Pong?" "Oh, yes, Sergeant." "On the double." "Hup, two, three, four!" "Hup..." "Now, look, operator, this is an emergency." "Her name is Sergeant Joan Hogan." "She's living with her folks in Sumter, South Carolina." "OPERATOR:" "Thank you." "Oh, if I can get in touch with her," "I'll never look at another girl again." "Sergeant, we found a partner for you for Ping-Pong." "Girl?" "Yes, sir." "Is she, uh...?" "What?" "Never mind." "I'll be right with you." "Operator, Operator, cancel the..." "Operator, cancel..." "The emergency is over!" "I got a partner for you, sergeant." "He'll be right in." "Oh." "We can play mixed doubles." "Oh, fun." "Sergeant Joan Hogan?" "Yes, yes." "Well, about your call to Sergeant Ernest Bilko." "I'm sorry, but unless we have more to go on, than just a little ranch outside Cheyenne, Wyoming..." "Yeah." "Well, I understand." "Thank you very much just the same." "Uh, look, is there someplace I can freshen up or get a shower or something?" "Oh, sure, just down the street there's a little YWCA." "Come on." "I'll show you." "Oh, fine." "Thank you." "You can't miss it." "There's a big electric sign." "Ping-Pong, anyone?" "!" "This must be my partner." "Shall we jump over the net, my dear?" "That's my partner." "Your partner?" "Where's mine?" "Well, she just ran off." "Well, why didn't you stop...?" "!" "Well, this is certainly my day." "Come on, Sarge, let's volley." "No, no, never mind." "Look, I'm starting to feel a little icky." "Can I get out of these clothes, take a shower or something?" "Yeah, there's a YMCA just down the street." "There's a big sign." "You can't miss it." "Thank you, son, thank you." "Here you are." "Thank you." "Good evening, Sergeant." "Good evening." "A room for tonight?" "Well, no, I'm staying with friends, but I thought if I could have a shower" "or just a rest." "Oh, of course." "A little steam, a nap, you'll feel better." "Here's your locker key, and the locker room is through there." "Oh, thank you." "Hi." "I'd like a room for tonight." "Well, you certainly would." "Mister, this is the YWCA." "The YMCA is next door." "Well, you've just got a YM sign on out there." "Oh, is our light off again?" "I'll call the electrician." "(humming)" "Store." "Clerk?" "Look alive!" "Oh, I'll take care of 'em later." "# Won't you come home, Bill Bailey?" "#" "# Won't you come home?" "#" "# I've moaned the whole day long #" "# I miss your kissing, honey... #" "(water running)" "You gonna be all day?" "WOMAN:" "Just a minute." "(water stops)" "(whistling)" "(water running)" "(water stops)" "(whistling continues)" "# Won't you come home, Bill Bailey?" "#" "# Won't you come home?" "#" "(steam hissing)" "Whew!" "# Won't you come home Bill Bailey ?" "#" "(woman shrieks)" "# Over hill over dale, we will hit the dirty trail #" "# And the caissons go rolling along. #" "(yawns)" "Oh..." "(Bilko snoring)" "(guttural snoring)" "(loud snoring continues)" "Roll call!" "Edison, Doberman..." "Hey, look, buddy, if you make..." "Boy, I'm really popular today." "Might as well get back to the camp." "I'm might as well..." "Come on!" "Look alive!" "Look alive!" "(yawns)" "No charge for servicewomen." "Oh, thank you." "(door shuts)" "What do I owe you?" "I had a steam, a shower and I took a nap." "A double room?" "It was a double room." "Well, that will be..." "Oh, no charge for servicemen." "Thank you very much." "# Won't you come home, Bill Bailey?" "#" "I don't get it." "Back in only five days?" "Yeah, how was New York?" "Well, for the first couple of days it was miserable." "And then it got worse." "You mean, you didn't have a good time?" "I just don't want to even remember those last few days." "All right, girls, start panting." "Bill Bailey just came home." "Oh, Ernie!" "Joanie, Joanie!" "Oh, Ernie!" "All right, look alive." "One, two, three, hah, hey!" "Oh, Ernie, I'm so glad to see you!" "I'm glad to see you!" "How was Wyoming?" "Who...?" "Oh, wonderful." "Clear-- the air is beautiful." "What matters is we're back together." "Let's pick it up where we left off, huh?" "Yes." "Dinner, dancing, shall we?" "I'd love to!" "We'll live it up." "I'll pick you up at the same time. (humming)" "Wonderful." "Oh, Ernie." "What is it, baby girl?" "(laughs) You can help me out." "I'm filling out some new physical forms for the post." "What's your blood type." ""O." Well, I better make sure." "Look at my dog tags." "Oh, I'm sure it's "O."" "It says "A..."" "What's the matter, Ernie?" ""Hogan, Joan R."" "These are your dog tags." "Well, that's ridiculous." "Mine are right here." "See?" "Bilko, Ernest J...." "I don't understand it." "The only time I took my dog tags off was that..." "The only time I had mine off was at the..." "BOTH:" "No!" "BILKO:" "It couldn't..." "BOTH:" "No!" "BILKO:" "No!" "Oh, no!" "What's the matter, honey?" "!" "I just found out Bilko snores." "ANNOUNCER:" "Also in tonight's cast," "Elisabeth Fraser appeared as Sergeant Hogan," "Billie Allen was Billie," "Barbara Barry as Edna," "Georgia Landau as Jane, and George McIver appeared as the soldier in the phone booth."