"Farmers." "Let's go." "Whoa!" "Hold it." "There it is!" "Get over here." "Now stop it!" "Hello!" "Is... they... dead?" "!" "They'd... better be!" "Cos I'm gonna bury 'em!" "Let's go." "Aah... aah... aah..." "My brother." "My brother." "He's dead." "His shoulder and leg is pretty badly broken." " You a doctor?" " Horse doctor." "But bones is bones." "Also a blacksmith." "Bring brother." "More in the centre." "Oh, God... we pass on to You the body and soul..." "of this nameless peckerhead." "Well, at least he went quick, and he ain't going to suffer scurvy, dysentery, spotted fever, or the cholera not to mention them other maladies contracted in a consort with low women." "Or waste years digging in the dirt and finding dirt, like I've been doing." " Talk about him!" " You wanna be next?" "And seeing how he survived that, he could have been hit by timber, fall down a shaft, starved, get murdered or committed suicide on Christmas Eve." "What I mean, God, is you have no pity for your living children, so that's why we're asking you to be a little kinder to 'em when they dead." "So, with all due reverence, Lord, we pass on to you this corncracker's body and soul to take him and to keep him..." "I stake this claim!" "For me and my new pardner, whoever he is..." "Forever and ever." "Amen." "Pull him up." "Elisa." "That the name of your girl?" "Yeah." "Oh, I found this." "I thought it might make a good crutch for you now you seem to be getting around pretty good." "Thanks." "You know, it just don't seem right, Mr Rumson." "You doing all the work and me getting half." "I mean, it's your mule, your tools and all." "It was your brother." "Well... where I come from, Mr Rumson, we're cautious of strangers who talk in an easy manner." "Oh, you got me down for some kind of low scuff from New Orleans, hmm?" "Sell you patent medicine with one hand, pinch your purse with the other?" "Matter of fact, that's what I was thinking." "As a matter of fact, you're right, but I ain't yet sunk to horse stealing." "Oh, I've salted claims, yeah." "And I've sold whisky to Injuns." "Once a man come at me with a gun, and I killed him." "I can't think of one commandment I ain't shattered." "I never did fancy my parents, let alone respect them or honour them, and I have coveted my neighbour's wife." "Whenever I had a neighbour and he had a wife." "Mm-mm." "And I gamble and I cheat at cards, but there is one thing I do not do." "I ain't never gulled a pardner." "The one sacred thing, even to low scuff like me, is a man's pardner." "Two pennyweight short of four ounces." "Now, you pass me your pouch, I'll pour your share." "And, Pardner," "I'll swap pouches with you anytime you say." "Well..." "I meant no offence, Mr Rumson, and I appreciate you saving my life and all." "But what's expected in return?" "That's right." "I like to know what crops I'm planting." "Well, when I get dead drunk, fall in a muddy street," "I expect you to come get me, cos I don't want to die muddy drunk." "If I owe a man $100, stand good for me, and if I get melancholy, which can happen," "I expect you to be my companion and solace me." "What happens when you get in a fight?" "If four of anything come at me at one time, you might lend a fist." "Up until that, I can take care of myself." "You see, I don't fight fair." "Well, I don't fight at all unless I absolutely have to." "I got kind of a temper, and once I start, I just can't quit." "Well, good." "Just remember that I'm on your side." "Well..." "I hear a shopkeeper's pulled into town with a wagon full of whisky." "What do you say I hoist you up that mule and we go get boiled?" "Oh, I ain't a boozing man either, Mr Rumson." "Well, I am." "Town meeting tonight!" "There's gonna be a town meeting tonight!" "Town meeting tonight, Ben." "Blaah!" "Ben!" "Ben Rumson!" "Mooney!" "This is my pardner." " I thought you went back to Ireland." " I am." "I'm just passing through." " It's right on the way." " Mooney." "How's it going, Willie?" "I ain't won a hand in three weeks, Ben." "This is my pardner." "He calls himself Rotten Luck Willie, but that's just to get the suckers." "You can't beat him with five aces, so don't play." " Oh, I don't gamble." " Neither does he." "My name's Ben Rumson." "This here's my pardner." "And I'm buying whisky for any man that can stand up." "Aha!" " I was sitting there." " Now you're standing there." "Whisky!" "Ben Rumson, you have an outstanding account in the amount of $68 from Yuba City, and which you skipped town on me." "Skipped town on you?" "I was run out." "Don't you remember, Gus?" "I want to be paid now before they run you out of this town." "Put that damn gun down and stand these boys the whisky." "Dry your hands before you weigh it." "We need supplies." "A pound of sugar, half a case of whisky, and a case pneumonia for Schermerhorn there." "A pound of sugar and a two-pound sack of flour, please." "Evening." "Horace Tabor, Worcester, Massachusetts." " When did you get in?" " Arrived this morning." "Hit a vein this afternoon, and I aim to be back in Worcester by Christmas." "It says here California's going to be admitted to the Union." "Just what it needs..." "law and order." " That's good news." " Well, it ain't to me." "It's my policy to bust out of any territory the day it become a state" " and head for the wilderness." " I don't agree, sir." "You look around the human race, you wonder what was God thinking." "Oh, oh, oh!" "Ben!" "Ben Rumson!" "Ben!" "You bloody old rumpot!" "Mad Jack Duncan!" "This is my pardner." "I heard you was in town." "Wait till I tell you what happened to Harry and Ernest and me." " What?" " We never went home." "Come on, lads!" "We're having a dance." "Jump in!" "Climb on, Pardner." "We're going to a dance!" "This town meeting will now come to order!" "Order!" "Anybody seen Ben Rumson?" "He left here about 20 minutes ago." "Thanks." " Are you his pardner?" " Yeah." "He, uh, owes me $80." "He said you would stand good." "Hey, Pardner." "Can you help me get up on that mule?" "You all right?" "I get melancholy every now and then." "It's a disease common to mountain men who live alone a lot, but if you stay with me at such..." "such times, uh, I'll be OK." "All right." "Did Ezra Atwell come to you for that $80?" "Yeah." "I stood good for you." "I guess this is what you meant, when you said you expected me to come get you muddy drunk in the street." "And now you're gonna be my companion in my moment of despair." "Well, you're my pardner, ain't you?" "Hey." "I like you, Pardner." "I like you, Ben." "Well, my mother and father's dead, and my two brothers and myself... we worked the... we worked the farm." "Then last year, my older brother, he took himself a wife." "Me and my kid brother, we decided to leave Michigan and come out here, maybe dig some gold, get enough money to buy some land." "'Cept now that he's gone, I don't have too much appetite for farming." "Well, what about your girl?" " Girl?" " Yeah." "Elisa." "Is she gonna come out and join you, or did she marry your brother?" "Well, to tell you the truth, there is no Elisa." "I just... read that name somewhere and made it up." "Well, them's the best kind, but what I need now is the worst kind." "It's a living hell up here, what with the bloody rain and the bloody loneliness and that bloody, bloody wind." "Look at the women!" "Look!" "Two women!" "Look at the two women!" "There's five women!" "I wanna get one of them gals!" "Women!" "Women!" "Hey, there's 64 women coming into town!" "Hey, men, 80 women coming down the river!" "Lady, I, uh... got $50 here in gold dust." "You can have it all if you, uh..." "let me hold the baby." "Very well." "No, I don't want your money for it." "You'll hurt his feelings, Sarah." "Take it." "Look at them eyes, glowing like he just hit pay dirt." "He's a girl, you bummer!" "Would anyone else care to hold the baby?" "Not now, Jacob." "Just where are you people from?" "Illinois, originally." "I'm Jacob Woodling." "This is my wife Sarah." "And who might this fine young lady be?" "Her name is Elizabeth Woodling." " Your sister?" " No." "My wife." "Your wife?" "I thought that one was your wife." " They both are." " Holy Moses!" "They're Mormons!" " Du lieber himmel!" " Nice work, old man!" "Can we get something to eat over there?" "With $50, you can, sir." "Uh, follow me." "What the hell is a Mormons?" "Aah!" "Hey, bridegroom, I don't give a damn how a man prays." "There's room in hell for all of us, but it just ain't equitable, man, for you to be having two of something all of us got none of." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "So I'll tell you what I'm gonna do." "Your mule's lame, and I got a beauty that cost me $140." "I'll swap you straight..." "my mule for one of your wives." "Now... which one's baby's mother?" "God knows I wouldn't want to separate mother and child." "I am." "Good." "I fancied t'other one, I did." " This is immoral." " I hope so!" " The woman's married." " No, she's not!" "We don't recognise plural marriage in California." "Then I bid $250 in gold for her." " 260!" " 265!" "Wait!" "You can't buy a woman for money." "Try and get one without it." "All right, what about it, Mormons?" "Jacob, we need every penny, and I can't bear another day of those martyred looks." "There it is again." "This ain't a martyred look, Sarah." "This look is pure... hatred." "Quiet!" "Brigham Young has 27 wives, and he hasn't had half the trouble with them I've had had with you two." "Then simplify your life, Jacob." "Sell me." "But, Elizabeth, you don't know what you'll get." "I know what I've had." " Go ahead, Jacob." " Gentlemen... out here..." "I ain't a Mormon." "Now, Elizabeth is a headstrong woman, especially since her own baby died two weeks ago, but she's given her consent to be sold." "Therefore, if any of you want to bid for her, so be it." "But... let's go outside..." "where there's room for more people." "Ooh!" "But these religious dogs are bloody greedy!" "Ah, come on!" "Come on!" "You wait here and feed the baby." "It's not proper, you standing on a block." "If anyone wants to inspect you I'll send them in." "Order!" "Order!" "I intend to conduct this auction in an orderly manner!" "And no bids in Spanish." "The last bid was $265 and two blankets." "$265, two blankets and a jackass!" "A two-pound sack of coffee, a two-pound sack of brown sugar..." "Holbrook, even if she is bought, how will she marry who bought her?" "She'll be married according to the prevailing law of this community, which is mining law, and she will be treated like any other legal claim!" "Order!" "Order!" "Order!" "Order!" "The man bids $275, four blankets, one pickaxe, and a bedpan." "Hey, Mooney..." "Mooney, there's a woman in the saloon with a baby pressed against her breast." "That's right." "Wait." "It ain't every day that we got a woman in Atwell's" " pressing her breast with her baby." " That's right, Ben." " Clendennon..." " Shh!" "There's a woman in Atwell's pressing her breast to the saloon." "I know, Ben, and we're bidding for her." "Sam Fletcher bids $300, four blankets..." "Ben, where you going?" "There's a breast in Atwell's pressing a woman against her." " You better stay here." " Huh?" "Look!" "There's another one!" "Well, he's a Mormon." "He has two wives." " I'll kill him." " Ben, they're bidding on her now." "Whatever the bid is..." "whatever the bid is, I double it!" "Ohh!" "$400 was bid last!" "Mr Ben Rumson gallantly doubles that bid to $800!" "800 once..." "Wait!" "I'm his pardner, and he withdraws the bid." " You have power of attorney?" " Power of what?" "Written permission, signed and witnessed." "If he could do that, he'd talk for himself." "800 twice!" "Wake up, Ben." "Come on." "Sold to Mr Ben Rumson for $800!" "He only looks that way when he's drunk, ma'am." "You ain't exactly seeing' him at his best, but once I get him washed down and clipped," "I think you'll be agreeably surprised." "Dearly beloved, we have gathered together to grant this man, Ben Rumson, exclusive title to this woman, Mrs Elizabeth Woodling, and to all her mineral resources." "I have drawn up this record of claim, which here and henceforth will be recognised as a certificate of marriage." "So I ask you, Ben, do you recognise this claim as a contract of marriage, and do you take this woman to love, honour and cherish?" "Oh, he does." "Elizabeth Woodling, do you take this man, Ben Rumson, to love, honour, and obey him until death do you part?" "She does." "I now pronounce you claimed and filed as Mr and Mrs Ben Rumson." "Hey, Ben!" "I'll be glad to help you work your claim!" "I'll be bedding down by the fire if you need me." "You'll not regret taking me in, Mr Rumson." "I'll make you a good wife." "You sure as hell will." "I don't fault you for taking me for an easy woman." "I was bought and paid for." "But you bought me for a wife, not a whore." "If you come again at me again like a slavering dog, I'll shoot you!" "Watch where you point that thing." "You'd blow my manhood halfway to the moon." "I mean to make you a good wife and honour this contract of marriage, but only if you will honour it as well." "I don't know what you mean by honour it." "I know your sort of man, Mr Rumson." "My father was the same sort, born under a wandering star." "I ain't fool enough to bond you with all the tyrannies of marriage." "All I want is your name, Mr Rumson, and the least measure of respect due to a man's wife." "But... most of all..." "I want you to build me a cabin." "A cabin... that'll stand up in winter with a fireplace of stone and a door I can bolt if I have to." "And if you do that," "I will say you have honoured the contract." "But if you regret having bought me, Mr Rumson, say so now." "And if I have to work forever, I'll see you get your $800 back." "I admire your pioneer spirit and your straightforward manner, ma'am." "Is that what you've been admiring?" "I've been admiring you, ma'am." "All right, I'll build you a cabin, and I'll give you my name proudly." "You're Mrs Ben Rumson, and I'll kill any man that says you ain't, and I'll stick to it till I move on, which is when the gold pinches out or the first snow of winter." "You... you ain't gonna claim duress later just cos I held a gun on you?" "No, ma'am," "I ain't going to claim duress." "I seem to lack all sense of shame with you, Mr Rumson." "Hey, Ben!" "These men came all the way from Fiddler's Camp just to see your wife." "Hiya, Ben!" "Well, looks like I married myself a tourist attraction." "Some of these boys hiked 15 miles." "Ben, how's married life?" "Pardner, it was so good, I forgot that I was married." "Wow." "I'd hike 15 miles to look at that myself." "I can see it ain't gonna be easy married to the only woman in these mountains." "All right, boys!" "The lady wants a cabin to live in, a proper cabin made out of wood that'll hold up in the winter!" "So just don't sit there gaping - get to work!" "Elizabeth." "Elizabeth?" "Elizabeth?" "Where have you been?" "I was down at the rapids taking a bath." "You mean you was taking a bath?" "I mean I was taking a bath." "What do you think I mean?" "You was down at the rapids just now, bare beam... and buck naked?" "I'm not like to take a bath with my clothes on, Mr Rumson." "Are you trying to tell me you was taking a bath?" "That's right." "I was taking a bath." "In the middle of the night?" "Mr Rumson, in a community of 400 men, would you rather I took my bath bare beam and buck naked in the middle of the day?" "What's the matter with you?" "What's the matter with me?" "I ain't running around in the middle of the night in MY drawers." "Hey!" "Hey, boys!" "Listen to this." ""The proprietors of the Hares and Hounds Club in Sonora" ""wish to announce that six ladies" ""are expected to arrive by stage from San Francisco" ""on the 15th of August."" "How about that, huh?" "That's a hundred miles away." "What good is that gonna do us?" "Ain't no one trying to steal your wife, Ben." "I'll admit there's a few who wouldn't mind trying." "Horace Tabor, for instance." "He likes to give her a look." "Horace Tabor?" "Come on, Ben." "He just looks." "She doesn't encourage him or anybody else." "But you're beginning to cut a comical figure." "Everybody's laughing at you." "I would've never thought of Tabor." "What the hell are you looking at, Horace Tabor?" "I'm looking for my stirring stick." "You make any more advances towards my wife, and I'm gonna shoot you down like mother-lovin' the dog you are!" "That goes for the rest of you horny gorillas!" "You want something to do?" "Put up your money for them six French tarts coming into Sonora!" "But keep your lusting, lechering minds off of my wife!" "I'd advise you, Rumson, not to refer to me as a dog again." " Is that clear?" " I'll stick my fist in your ear!" " Why you!" " Grab Tabor!" "Stop him!" "Get back!" "Get ahold of him!" "Mr Rumson!" " Rumson, I..." " Mr Rumson!" "Nobody has behaved unseemly to me." "I have been treated with nothing but kindness in this camp, and you owe every one of these men, especially Mr Tabor, an apology." "By God, you're right!" "I don't know what's come over me." "I've been behaving like a damn fool, and I wish to beg your communal pardons, and especially yours, Horace Tabor." "Well, I suppose if I was married to the only woman in the neighbourhood," "I might be just as demented." "And, Mrs Rumson!" "Uh, Mrs Rumson, may I extend my compliments?" "You are as wise as you are fair." "Get your hands off me!" "That lunatic tried to kill me!" "I demand a town meeting to consider a proper course of action." "Yeah..." "If that knife had come one inch lower," "I would not be here today." "That's right." "Yeah." "My fellow citizens, as long as that madman prowls among us," " no one is safe." " Yeah." "Therefore, we must find a solution by tonight." "Let us not wait until the condition worsens... or his aim improves!" " Yeah!" " Order!" "Mr Chairman!" "The chair recognises Ezra Atwell." "I would like to ask Ben Rumson directly if he doesn't think that with a little sober effort he could control these fits of jealousy?" "No." "It's getting worse every day." "Sorry, I can't help you." "The chair recognises Ben's pardner." "Thank you, Mr Holbrook." "I've been giving it some considerable thought ever since Ben Rumson, my pardner here, poor bastard..." "Oh, excuse me, ma'am..." "Well, ever since he became a lunatic." "What's putting the strain on Ben's mind is having the only woman for 90 miles around here." "Now, my proposal is that we get some more women for this town." "How you gonna get women to come up here?" "Order!" "I know where we can get some women." "The six French bawds arriving in Sonora a week Saturday." "Ben, you're right." "Why don't we get them to come up here instead?" "How?" "If I was a French bawd, I'd go to Sonora." "If you was a French bawd, we'd have no trouble." "How will we get 'em up here?" "They gotta take the stage from Sacramento and change horses at Starbottle's Pass." "So five of us go down there, hijack that stage, re-route them tarts up here instead." "What's so hard about that?" "It all sounds just fine to me." " When do we go?" "!" " Order!" "Order!" "Is it your proposal, Mr Rumson, that we knock out the stage driver, steal a coach, and kidnap six women?" "Sounds better every time I hear it." "You fail to see what's wrong with this?" "What's wrong?" "Well, if you don't consider assault and battery, grand larceny and kidnapping wrong, what the hell do you consider wrong?" " Oh, you maniac!" " Sit down!" " You insane man!" " Schermerhorn, you're out of order!" " What?" " I yield the floor." "Proceed, Schermerhorn." " What?" " Speak!" "You maniac!" "You insane man!" "What do you think them people in Sonora will do when we hijack their Fräuleins?" "They grab their guns and come up here to get them back!" "Order, order!" " Gentlemen!" " Mr Atwell has the floor." "Gentlemen, it is 50 miles from here to Starbottle's without a road or a trail." "Not even my mule can do it." "Oh, you lunatics!" "Besides a civil war with Sonora, you want to put us in the white slave business!" "Schermerhorn, you're out of order!" "Again?" "You haven't been recognised!" "I'm Schermerhorn." " Mr Holbrook." " Oh, sit down!" "Ben, these boys are right." "Mr Holbrook, I withdraw the proposal." "Have you gone out of your skull?" "You can't expect them to build a two-storey building" " just to get women here." " Who said two storeys?" "Somebody's got to run the faro tables." "Rotten Luck Willie will." "You can't expect him to build a fancy building with chandeliers and masterpieces of art and gambling and six beautiful tarts upstairs." "Ben, we'd have every bummer for miles around coming here to spend his money on women and whisky at Atwell's and Schermerhorn's." "You think that's bad?" "Why, it's terrible!" "Just terrible!" "You'd turn this camp into a boom town!" "We don't want to do that." " Soon there'd be another saloon." " And a bawdy house!" " And another gambling hall!" " And another bawdy house!" "Why, property would shoot straight up!" "They'd make more money selling old claims than gold." "These men didn't come out here to forge a nation!" "That's for men with a big dream, with visions of America's greatness." "Well, I'm warning you, if you want to turn us into a dreary boom town metropolis filled with nothing but millionaires, all you gotta do is put up one little, tiny two-storey... cathouse!" "I say let's put it to a vote." "And any man opposed is a traitor!" "All those in favour of bringing prostitution to this camp, say aye!" "Aye!" "Passed!" "Pardner, there's a shifty side to you that I'm just beginning to appreciate." "Why can't I go along with you?" "Who'll take care of Elizabeth?" "It'll take three days to get them tarts back here." "You don't expect me to leave a feast like her alone in all this famine?" "Who can I trust if it ain't you?" "You didn't say being pardners meant wife-guarding." "Well, it just come up." " Howdy." " Captain Barnsfeather, Fort Sumter." " When does the Sonora stage come?" " About four o'clock tomorrow." "Why?" "Uh, supplies for the troops." "Unmount!" "Come in, Pardner." "You sure I'm not intruding?" "Come in." "Will Ben really get back in three days?" " Why?" " I'd like to know." "Who you expecting for dinner?" "You!" "Sit down." "Oh." "Thanks." "I didn't know you was expecting me." "They're coming out of Starbottle's!" "All right!" "Fall together!" "Hey, put me down, you bloody idiot!" "Put me down!" "Down, down, down, down!" "Ow!" "That's it!" "Get in line!" "Come on!" "Come on, move!" "Yah!" "Yah!" "Whoa, now!" "Whoa!" "Captain Barnsfeather, Fort Sumter." "At your service, ladies." "Here to protect you along the way!" "We're gonna have to take this detour." " Detour through open country?" " The road up ahead ain't safe." " Injuns!" " Ain't no Injuns around here!" "Get back in the coach, ladies." " There's a coach comin' in!" " There's a coach comin' in!" " Comin' in!" " Comin' in!" "Whoa!" "Ben!" "Pardner, I wanna talk to you!" "Why, you rotten, lecherous, deceiving, no-good, thieving..." "The only reason I ain't blowing your brains out is the relief it's gonna give me when I tear you apart with my bare hands." "What's the matter with you?" "What was the two of you doing on the same horse?" "Riding." "What else?" "That's the last place I'd..." " Where was HER horse?" " That WAS her horse." "And where... ha ha... was your horse?" "You had my horse." "If that's true, why ain't you fighting back?" "Cos you ain't been yourself lately." "That's a widely known fact, and you know it yourself." "Get up, Pardner." "How's your jaw?" "Feels like it's coming off." "You ought to trust me, Ben." "You're right." "You ain't the kind of man to go lusting after another man's wife, especially with them six bawds arriving in town." "That's right, Ben." "I wouldn't do that." "The only kind of feelings you'd ever have would be deep ones, and if you had 'em for Elizabeth, you'd come and tell me before you would her." "That's right, Ben." "That's what I'd do." "You're a good man, Pardner." "That's what I was coming to do, Ben... tell you I got some deep feelings for Elizabeth." "Ben, you hit me one more time, I'll bust your skull open." "Nothing's happened, and nothing's gonna happen... cos I'm leaving." "You're breaking up the partnership?" "If I hang around here long enough watching you and her together," "I'll become as big a lunatic as you are." "All right." "I'll go get your share of the gold dust." "You can have the mule and that new gold pan." "You can even have the rocker, if you want to." "What's the matter, Ben?" "Where you taking the rocker?" "It's for Pardner." "He's going away." "Going away?" "He... he never mentioned going away to me." "Of course he didn't." "You don't know that man like I do, Elizabeth." "What are you saying, Ben?" "He loves you." "That's why he's going." "I don't want Pardner to go, Ben." "I love him." "Unpack, Pardner." "You ain't going nowhere." "That woman loves you." "And that puts a new wheel on the wagon, don't it?" "Now, you get this straight, Ben." "I'm not gonna take away your wife, and that's final." "But you love her." "So do you." "There's only one way for anybody to be happy and that's... for one of us to move away and forget it, and I'm going." "Now, get out of my way." "Pardner, there comes a time in the life of every partnership when the party of the first part has no recourse except to knock some sense into the party of the second part!" "You're staying!" "What happened?" "He's staying." " Is he hurt?" " No, ma'am." "Just tired." "He'll be good as new in a couple of weeks." "Where you going, Ben?" "You love Pardner?" "You take him." "And you take good care of him." "That's the decentest man I ever run across." "And the strongest." "Now..." "I know you women like things legal, so here's what." "It takes two weeks for you to be an abandoned claim." "After that, you take the name of your new owner and file it down at the mining office." "Then everything'll be legal." "Ben!" "I don't want you to go." "I love you." "What are you talking about, Elizabeth?" "You're my husband." "I don't want you to go away." " What was that?" " Don't let him go, Pardner." " You said she was in love with me." " Didn't you say you loved him?" "Yes, I did, and I do." "You just said you were in love with Ben." "Yes, I did, and I am." "Ben, do you, uh..." "get that feeling you need a drink?" " How did you know?" " Cos I do, too." " But, Pardner, you don't drink." " No, but I'm changing." "Hmm, and it takes a woman to do it." "Bless their hearts." "Now, Elizabeth, let's try and be reasonable about this." "For God's sake, make up your mind!" "I can't." "I love both of you." "But that ain't going to work." "You can't have both of us." " Why not?" " Why not?" "Why not?" "Cos, uh... a woman can't have two husbands." "Well, I was married to a man who had two wives." "Why can't a woman have two husbands?" "Because you can't." "Well, why?" "You explain it to her, will you, Ben?" "I'd like to oblige, Pardner, but I'll be damned if I can think of a reason." "Out here we make up our own rules as we go along." "A man with two wives wants to sell one at auction, nobody thinks twice about it." "And if a town needs females, hijacking 'em seems the natural thing to do." "And if two pardners want to share a wife, why not?" "This ain't Michigan." "It's gold country." "Why, hell, it's the golden country!" "Untouched and uncontaminated by human hands!" "It's where people can look civilisation in the eye and spit!" "You don't have to please anybody, don't have to love thy neighbour." "It's wild, human and free, and all over this nation, they preach against it every Sunday." "But I don't think God's listening." "You know why?" "Because he's here..." "in glorious California!" "You trying to tell me, Ben, that you're willing?" "I am." "I think it's a humane, practical, beautiful solution." " It does make a lot of sense." " It don't." "It don't in Michigan." "It does in California." " What's everybody gonna say?" " Who are you talking about?" "You mean everybody in town playing with them French horns?" "They'd be damn glad to have two less in line." " Ben, you're right." " Of course I'm right." "It's not like somebody was asking you to do something immoral, like stealing gold!" " It ain't as bad as all that." " What the hell's bad about it?" "Show me on that list of commandments where it says a woman can't have two husbands." "There ain't no commandment like that!" "Hot damn!" "I think it's great!" "It's history-making!" "Can't hold it." " Elizabeth..." " Yes, Ben?" "We will be three... for dinner." "Shameless harlots!" "You think the Lord was some boy in a raggedy old sheet 2,000 years ago?" "Well, you're wrong!" "He's here now and he sees you!" "Ye godless jaspers!" "Who are you?" "Freemasons?" "Rosicrucians?" "Heathen emissaries from the dens of Babylon?" "!" "Boozers." "Gluttons." "Gamblers." "Harlots." "Fornicators!" "What's a fornicator?" "I don't know." "I ain't a religious man." "The stench of the city is in the nostrils of the Lord, and it's making him sick." "The Lord ain't going to take it much longer!" "Come on up, parson, and get some old-time religion." "Mrs Rumson." "How are your husbands?" "Fine." "Thank you, Mr Atwell." "Husbands?" "Did I hear husbands?" "You animals!" "You pagans!" "O God, Lord of hosts, close thine eyes, then hold thy nose." "I am passing through the garbage of humanity!" "Come on, dearie." "Scum, keep your filthy claws off my wife, Princess Hummingbird!" "You heathen swine!" "Do you know what God done to Sodom and Gomorrah when he couldn't find 50 righteous men in them stinking cities?" "No!" "I'll show God a place where there ain't 40." " Yeah!" " 30!" " Yeah!" " Two!" " Yeah!" " Or one!" " Yeah!" " And here it is." "Evening, Pardner." "Evening, Elizabeth." "Evening, Ben." "Evening, Elizabeth." "I hear..." "George Lonergan pulled out today." " He's smart." " He's broke." "Ben thinks placer mining's all but finished in these parts." "What are we gonna do?" "I hear talk of a strike up to Red Dog." "I'm not leaving my home, Ben." "I wasn't suggesting it." "I'll live on grass and mud water before I'd do that." "Ben isn't asking you to leave your home." "Damn it!" "Why won't you leave?" "You like this town as much as I like Schermerhorn!" "That's right, I hate what this town has become, but it's one place we can live together." "And... there's nothing I hate as much as I..." "love the two of you and this cabin." "Now, if you want to go up to Red Dog, you go ahead and go, but I'm staying here." "You come back whenever you want to." "The only thing stopping you being the perfect woman is your stubbornness." "Somebody should hit you till it's gone." "Somebody's gotta support us." "You can't go through a whole winter here alone." "I won't leave her here alone." "You mean you'd let this man who took care of you and nursed you back to health light out alone while you sleep through winter like a fat groundhog?" "If he goes, you go." "And I ain't going." "Well, I'll go, then." "If he goes, you go with him." "Didn't I just tell you you can't go through a winter alone here?" "!" "You ever see such a stubborn woman?" "No, I never did." "But if you ever hit her, you'll have to deal with me straightaway." "I sure am one tired man tonight." "Must be from lifting those cards all night." "I only played a few hands last night, Elizabeth." "I had a lucky streak, too." "I broke even." "You'll tell Three-Fingered Sweeney I'll pay him next week, huh?" "You was playing poker last night?" "Yeah, I was playing poker and you was tired." "Remember?" "Oh." "Well." "I think I'll go down and have a last drink with them three limeys." " They're pulling out tomorrow." " How much does he owe Sweeney?" "Now, wait a minute." "I won't take your money." "Why not?" "Cos a man don't do that in Michigan or in California." "That's all right with me, but if you want to keep your manhood, quit trying to beat three aces with a pair of fours." "See you at breakfast." "Sorry, boys." "Pardner ain't playing tonight." " Willie?" " What?" " Have you seen Mad Jack?" " He's over there." "Hey, I want to convert this dust into dollars." "Look out!" "He's losing gold dust every time you bump his elbow." "There's more spilled here in one night than we've dug up in a month." "Must be a pirate's fortune under them floorboards." " Where are you heading?" " Where I can find some gold." "Fleshpot Hill, Brass Monkey Ravine." "I don't know." "Save your souls and help build a house for the Lord." "He can have my shack, parson." "I'm moving out." "You heathen scum." "Money." "And the Lord sayeth, "Money is the root of all evil."" "The Lord sayeth that cos he ain't rich." " He knoweth about you..." " You don't say?" "Living in that cabin." "You're going to hell!" "I hope so." "If it ain't too far down," "I'll tunnel and get some gold dust that's fallen through these floor..." "How do you figure we can dig a tunnel without being seen?" "We'll dig down from the floor in our cabin, under the street, and right up under here." " A tunnel?" "!" " You idiot!" "Why, you..." "Dig now." "Hit him later, lunatic." " What the hell's happening?" " We're tunnelling under Willie's." "After that gold dust under Willie's floor, eh?" "How in the hell did you know that?" " Been thinking about it for weeks." " Why didn't you speak up, eh?" " You dirty, lazy, drunken..." " Oh, hey!" " Lazy, am I?" "Damn you, Duncan!" " Shut up!" " Look, dig now." "Hit him later." " Shh!" "Right." " You can hit me later." " I'll remind you." "Don't forget." "Pardner's in on this." " Then where is he?" " He's at home." " Doing what?" " Damn you!" "Keep a civil tongue in your mouth, or I'll..." " You can hit him later." " Right." "You can hit me later." "And I'll remind you." "Dig!" "Hey, Willie, you seen Ben Rumson?" "Uh-uh." " Sorry." " Close the bloody door." " Oh, you're digging a hole." " You don't miss a trick, do you?" "Ben?" "Pardner, we got big news for you." " You're doing what?" " We ain't stopping at Willie's." "There's 16 gambling halls, seven hotels and 21 saloons." "Mad Jack figures we can build tunnels under them, honeycomb Main Street, one end to the other." " What do we do with all that earth?" " Give it to the meek." " Have you gone crazy?" " He's not crazy." "There's a lot of gold dust going through those floors." "I think there's more than a lot." "I think maybe there's enough for the winter." "Hurry up and eat this, both of you." "Coffee will be ready in a minute." "I don't want you to be late to work." "Uh-huh!" "Gold." "Hey, you bummers, over here!" "I found him in the mountains." "He's half-frozen." "He says there's a wagon train marooned up there." "Get up a rescue party!" "Let's get out of these mountains before a storm comes up." "Pack up!" "You've arrived at the height of the season, Mr Fenty, but we'll find hotel space for the whole bloody lot of you." "If you can shake your family and don't die, you'll have one hell of a time." "We shouldn't take respectable people to No Name City." "We can put up a few up at our place." "Can you take the rest?" "Have you got room in your cabin for a couple of invalids?" "Ben's bringing in her husband." "Mrs Fenty, this is Mrs Rumson." "I'm Mrs Fenty's son, Horton." "This is my sister Laura Sue." "Here are some blankets." "Keep warm by the fire." "I'll take care of the children." "Your husband is a good man, Mrs Rumson." "Yes, they are." "I said that husband of yours is a good man." "Yes, uh, thank you, Mrs Fenty." "Don't you worry." "Those children went straight to sleep." "I'll see to Mr Fenty now." " Thank you, Mr Rumson." " Oh, my name's not Rumson, ma'am." "That's my wife's name." "Now, I'll bet that seems a little confusing, don't it?" "A little, yes." "How is it you and your husband don't have the same name?" "Oh, well, that's easy to explain." "It is?" "In the Chinese section of town was the Pagoda Hell Saloon, and upstairs there lived a real Mandarin princess who invited me over occasionally for a little egg roll." "Ben." "I'm entering to pray for the unfortunate victims." "Parson, these folks have suffered enough." "Why don't you do that outside where God can hear better, cos I'll be talking in here." "You can't talk to the parson that way in front of these people." "This is a nice, church-going family." "Now, go see where Pardner is with the supplies." "Yes, ma'am." "Mr Rumson, will you tell me the rest of the story after dinner?" "Sure." "About 10 years after dinner." "I'll take care of your little sister." "You keep warm." "Mrs Rumson, if the other gentleman is your husband, who's Mr Rumson?" "He's my husband's partner." "Well, how is it you have his name?" "Just a coincidence." "Oh." "What are you talking about?" "Elizabeth ain't sick." "You listen to me." "She's picked up a bad case of the respectabilities." "In a few days she'll be burning up in a fever of virtue." " And then look out." " Why?" "It's been my experience that there's nothing more ruthless and treacherous than a genuine good woman." "Ben, you have to put up at Atwell's tonight." "What?" "I can't tell them I'm living with two men." "I just can't." "Elizabeth, you ain't making any sense." "If you want to be respectable, how come Mr Rumson has to move out while Mrs Rumson stays with another man?" "If anybody leaves, it ought to be me." "You can't." "I already told them Pardner was my husband." " Tell them you've made a mistake." " It's only for one or two nights." "It'll be six weeks before they can move!" "Only a farmer's dumb enough to get froze and tough enough to survive it." "Damn farmers!" " All right, I'll sleep out." " Where you going?" " To get my things." " I got 'em right here." "Mm-hm." "See you in the tunnels, Ben." " You moving out, Ben?" " No." "Me, neither." "I guess there's two kinds in the world, Ben." "People who move, people who stay." "Ain't that true?" "No, that ain't true." "Well, what's true?" "Oh, there's two kinds of people." "Them going somewhere and them going nowhere... and that's what's true." "I don't agree, Ben." "That's cos you don't know what the hell I'm talking about." "I'm an ex-citizen of nowhere, and sometimes I get mighty homesick." "Willie, could you accommodate me for a couple of days?" "Sure." "Take your pick." "No." "I mean a room I can sleep in." "We don't rent empty beds." "Just till them sick farmers leave my house." "Wait." "Clotilde's gone off for a while." " Use her room." " What happened to Clotilde?" "Some bummer says if she don't marry him, he's gonna kill her." "She took off to give him a chance to simmer down." "She said she'd marry him." "He wants her to quit working." "That's a narrow-minded attitude." " Whew." " Yeah." "She's a fancy smeller." "Damn farmers." "Sugar, guess who this is?" "Sugar, guess who this is." "Hey, by gum, I must have been down here too long." "You're beginning to smell like a woman." " Good morning." " Good morning, Mr Rumson." "You're an hour late." "Who the hell's the stranger?" "He won't tell anybody." "He's practically family." "Just wanted to see what a gold mine looked like." "You open your mouth about this, I'll put a stick of dynamite in it." "You tell no one, do you hear?" " I swear before God." " I said no one." "Start at end of number four." "Work an extra hour to make up for being late." " How's Elizabeth?" " Oh, she's fine." "In fact, we'd like to have you for dinner tonight." " Is that right?" " Yeah. 6:30." "Is that all right?" "That's mighty neighbourly, but I got to play the organ for the parson tonight." "Well, possibly some other time." "Well, if you're one of the family, dig!" "Mr Rumson, I swore I wouldn't tell anyone." "I hope that means except my parents." "That means especially your mother and father." "I've never kept secrets before." "It's about time you started, cos when you do, a whole new world opens up." "You got that kind of cold, empty feeling inside of you?" "Yes, I do." "Do all gold miners get that?" " It's very common." " What do they do for it?" "I'll show you." "Are we going in a saloon?" "Well, that's where the medicine closet is." "It's part of that whole new world I was telling you about." "After you, Columbus." "Come on." "Ahh." "That's good." "My first drink." "Ahh." "You, uh... feeling all right?" "Oh, yes, sir." "Thank you." "That, uh, cold, hollow feeling is almost gone." "Bartender, cigars." "Thank you." "I'll bet that's the strongest cigar you ever smoked." "It's the first cigar I ever smoked." "It's delicious." "You all right, Mr Rumson?" "Yeah, fine." "Why do you think my father is so dead set against saloons?" "Cos farmers ain't got the time to enjoy the good things in life." "Farmer's got a busy day." "Got to pull them turnips, talk about the weather." "That's about as much as he can handle." "Quiet!" " Who are they, Mr Rumson?" " Oh, they're on the menu." "I don't understand, sir." "Now, Horton..." "now, you ain't gonna tell me that you ain't never had a woman, neither?" "No, sir, I haven't." "That's abso..." "Why, that's terrible!" "Do you know you could go blind?" "We got to do something about that." "I wouldn't know what to do." "Don't worry." "With your talent, you'll catch on in no time." "Uh, Willie, ahem... if you was to go trapping for the first time, who would you take along as a guide?" "That would be Gracie." "She loves adventure." "Oh, Grace, uh..." "I give you the boy." "Give me back the man." " That was the best, Mr Rumson." " You think so?" "I like smoking and drinking but they can't touch the last one." "That's got everything." "Most people'd go along with that." "Well, good night." "Mrs Rumson will be sorry you're not coming for dinner." " She said to be sure and bring you." " Oh?" " Well, in that case, maybe I will." " Good." "I'll walk you home after." "Now, remember, you wasn't in no tunnels and wasn't in no saloon." "I remember." "We thank thee, Lord, for the two of these friends..." "Shut the door, will you, Ben?" "For this we thank thee, Lord." " Amen." " Amen." " Will you wipe your feet off?" " Evening, Ben." "Come sit down." "Evening, Elizabeth." "Well, Pardner, you handled grace pretty good." "Not as good as Horton did this afternoon, but pretty good." " Where have you been, Horton?" " Uh, gold mining, Pa." "Your son is the most natural-born gold miner that I ever met." "I brought him up not to be afraid to try anything." "Well, that boy tries everything." "Did you know that the Fentys had an apple farm back in Pennsylvania?" " Applejack, huh?" " No, we did not make applejack." " Then why grow apples?" " Mr Rumson, should everything that comes out of the earth be used for liquor?" "Whenever possible." "You should read the Bible." "I have read the Bible." "Didn't that discourage you about drinking?" "No." "Killed my appetite for reading." "We've been telling the Fentys what good land's all around here." "We might settle here." "Oh, great!" "That news is so Goddamn great, I need a drink." "Don't listen to him." "He's always joking." " Elizabeth, the whisky's gone." " I know." "I poured it all out." "You what?" "Out of courtesy to our guests, Ben." "If you want a drink, get your carcass out of this house." "You can't order a man out of his own house." " His house?" " That's right." "It's his house." " Mrs Rumson is married to him?" " She's married to the both of us." " At the same time?" " Well, we're pardners." " I have never heard..." " Shut up and sit down!" " Don't order the guests around." " Why not?" "It's his fault." "Without his respectability we'd still be a happily married... triple." " There's not one drink of whisky?" " Take mine." "You saved my life." "Horton, how did that bottle get into your pocket?" "Horton..." "How long have you been drinking hard liquor?" "Since this afternoon." "You don't approve, but until you've had a good cigar and whisky, you're missing two of the best things in life." " Horton..." " Where'd you take him, Ben?" "Damn you, Ben Rumson." "What are you gonna teach this boy next?" "How to cheat at cards or physical education with some floozy?" " That's the best one." " Horton!" "Is that what you did today, Ben?" "That's what HE did today." "He's got a talent for dissipation that is absolutely unique." "Out." "Get out!" "I order you out of this house!" "This is not your house!" "This is my house!" "That's right." "I give her the house." "If you cross this threshold again," "I'll shoot you like any other marauder." "What's she so het up about?" "She's got a right to be." "You had to take your revenge on the virtue of this boy, show him what an ugly town this really is." "Well, if we live here, then we're ugly, too." "I could never go back to what we had before." "It's over and it's done and it's finished." "Now get out." "Wait." "If Ben goes, I'd have to go." "Then you go, too." " Evening, ma'am." " Good evening, ma'am." "You mutton-headed clunk." "You knew she didn't want them to know." "Elizabeth's a sick woman." "Ben, you got no respect for anybody or anything." "I don't have your kind of respect, sitting there with your hands folded and that pious look on your face after a hard day's thieving." " It ain't thieving." " Then why are we hiding it?" "Why are we talking about it?" "She's all alone." " Whose fault is that?" " Yours." "Hers." "She threw us out." "Don't say anything against Elizabeth around me." "I'll say anything I want." "She's my wife, paid for, and don't forget it." "I never do forget it." "I got nothing more to say to you." "You got nothing I want to hear!" "If I catch you sneaking back without me, they'll never find all of you to bury!" "Bull and bear fight!" "Bull and bear fight!" "See the great bull that cut up the mountain lion in Sonora and emerged triumphant over 10 large dogs!" "Save your souls, heathen scum!" "Allow this butchery to take place on Sunday, and God will wash his hands of you!" "Thank you, parson." "Now go." "God is gonna cause the earth to open and swallow up this nest of evil, and the Lord ain't fooling." "I hear strange rumblings in the earth below." "Yeah, they're gonna sell a lot of tickets to the bull and bear fight on Sunday." "A lot of gold dust is gonna fall." "But Jack, we don't have a tunnel under there!" "You bloody maniac!" "Why didn't you build one?" "!" "We can get under there by Sunday." "There's nothing to it." "Maybe so... but we could sure use a bit of help." "Hey." "Hey." "What about that young farmer?" " Where's he?" " Horton Fenty?" "Little did I realise it, but when he set foot on the second storey of Willie's Saloon, history was in the making." " Is that where he is?" " That's where he always is!" "Puffing cigars, drinking, and knocking on doors." "If he don't slow down, them girls are gonna strike for shorter hours." "I'll see if I can catch him between rooms tonight." "If we could divert his energy, we could be through by morning." "Come on, bet." "I'll bet 50." " I'll see that and raise you 50." " Not for me." "I'm out." "Have you seen the future father of our country?" " Yeah." "He went home." " When will he be back?" " Soon as his folks get to sleep." " Tell him I want to see him." "Leave your door open and wait your turn." "Here." "Uh, pardon me, sir." "Could you lend me $10?" "Why don't you go home and go to bed?" "I was thinking of doing it the other way around." "Thank you, sir." "I'll see your 50." "Red seven wins again!" "Pardon me." "Here's your $10 back, sir, Oh." "And 10 more." "Red seven." "You're losing a lot of money, Pardner." "Where do you get it all?" "Thieving." "Deal." "By God, we made it." "Well, now they can open the box office." "Here's your day's earnings, Ben." "And here's yours, Pardner." "Jack, tell Ben something for me, will you?" "He's right there." "Just tell him that I'm moving on before winter sets in." "He can get himself another pardner." "You bummers can, uh, divide up anything I got coming here." " Where you heading?" " Red Dog." "I hear they're digging it up in chunks over there." "By gum, they're always digging it up in chunks somewhere else." " Good luck, man." " Thanks, Jack." "Jack, uh... tell Ben to look in on Elizabeth." "The Fentys are pulling out." "She'll be alone." "You stinking', rotten heathen scum!" "Silence, Judas!" "Today is Sunday!" "And you are going to hear the word of God whether you like it or not!" "Get out of here!" "And the word of the Lord is doom!" "Doom!" "Set the bull on him." " You can't do that." " Let him out!" "...this town of lust and corruption!" "Get out of here." "Out, out, out." "You are not going to fight that bear on the Sabbath." "I represent the Lord, and the Lord says get out of this arena." "Out, out!" "He will open the earth, and you will sink into the pit!" "You hear?" "!" "I said, sink into the pit." "I said, sink into the pit!" " Well, I'll be God damned." " Hello, parson." "Welcome to hell." "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..." "You better run through that valley!" "Will you kindly watch where the hell you're falling, my good man?" "!" "Now!" "Now where are you going?" "Ach du lieber himmel!" "Nein, nein, nein!" "Nein, nein, nein!" "Have you..." "Have you seen Pardner and Ben?" "Pardner and Ben?" "Oh!" "Have you seen Pardner and Ben?" " Where's Ben?" " Ben Rumson!" "Thy rod and thy staff..." "There he is!" "Go down and get him!" "Ben!" "Where you going?" "Let's get out of here." "I think this place is crumbling." "Be calm, my dear." "Oh, Pardner, where's Ben?" "What the hell are you doing there?" "I didn't like that town, but it'll seem funny not having it there." "It's gonna be a cold, long, hard winter without it." "I'm not leaving my home, Pardner." "I know that." "Do you have to go?" "Can't we all try..." "living the way we used to?" "No." "No, I can't." "You see, ever since that night the Fentys came and we were... you and I were like a real husband and wife..." "I... couldn't live with you any other way." "And you belong to Ben." "He shared you with me." "I didn't share you with him." "Ma'am..." "Whoa, mule." "Did you know them farmers was unpacking?" "You mean the Fenty party?" "That might sound like a party to you, but it ain't my idea of one." "Hop in." "You can't get out that way." "Come on." "Giddy up." "I didn't see they was building a church and a courthouse" " till the town went under." " Neither did I." " You still heading up to Red Dog?" " Yeah." "Still am." "Well, I don't care where we go as long as I stay a hundred miles ahead of civilisation." "You moving out, Ben?" "You want me to die?" "I can just see this valley in a year." "All broke out in white clapboard houses, schools, churches, courthouse, museum." "Ugh." "Just one big, bad dream." " What about Elizabeth?" " I'm gonna miss that woman." "But you can't blast her out of that cabin." "Funny, here we go and build a town just the way we like it, and then we go and sink it." "Giddup, mule!" "Come on." "Come on." "Giddup." " Come on." " Pull up, Ben." "Whoa, mule." "What's the matter?" "I'm staying." "I have to." "I always said you had a farmer's mentality, but you're still the best pardner there ever was." "Well, you're the only pardner there ever was." "Then that makes me the best." "Ain't you gonna say goodbye to Elizabeth?" "No." "I don't think I'll do that." "I'll get melancholy enough later on without picking up an extra load now." "You say something nice to her for me, Par..." "Say, what the hell is your name anyway?" "Sylvester Newel." "Sylvester Newel." "Yeah, just one "l"." "Well, that's a good name for a farmer." "Well..." " So long, Pardner." " So long, Ben." "Never liked a man as much as I liked you." "Giddup!" "Giddup!" "Ben says goodbye, Elizabeth." "Aren't you going with him?" "No." "No, I'm not going anywhere." "Do you think he'll be all right, Pardner?" "Where's he going?" "English SDH"