"Jeff:" "The world championships of competitive roasting." "Let's roast!" "Jeff:" "We've seen hurt feelings..." "That was a good one, "Hack" Efron." "I was laughing." "I peed a little." "...hurt egos..." "Ms. Pat fell into a gorilla enclosure and the gorilla shot himself." "[ Laughter ] ...and even hurt body parts." "You look like you cum into a spittoon." "That's the hardest I've laughed at someone in a wheelchair since the last person I saw in a wheelchair." "Jeff:" "Now, with eight comics down and eight comics still alive," "Tonight, it's the quarter finals, with guest judges Jimmy Kimmel and Seth Rogen." "Who's gonna claim the trophy?" "I'm glad we're doing this for a trophy and not a championship belt." "[ Laughter ] And who's going down?" "That's the best you got?" "This is "Roast Battle."" "♪ You got me ready for battle" "♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey" "♪ You got me ready for battle" "♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey" "♪ You got me ready for battle" "[ Audience chanting "battle" ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Thank you." "Thank you, thank you, thanks." "Thank you wave, thank you wave." "All right." "Thank you." "Oh, my God, I want to fuck somebody right now." "[ Laughter ]" "Wow!" "What's up, Caknuckles?" "How you doing?" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "This is night three of the world championships of competitive roasting." "People are asking me why" "I'm doing "Roast Battle" in Montreal." "It's because this is the biggest comedy festival in the world." "All the best comics are here." "[ Audience cheering ]" "And I hear Céline Dion is single." "[ Audience cheering ]" "Speaking of Canadian superstars, Seth Fucking Rogen wandered in." "[ Cheers and applause ] [ Air horn blaring ]" "Hi, Seth." "Seth is so stoned, he thinks he's at his own North Korean trial right now." "[ Laughter ]" "How you doing, buddy?" "You doing okay?" "Hey, everybody!" "I'm psyched to be here." "Thank you, bud." "Thank you." "I'm surprised to see, since I was last here, good weed made it to Montreal, so that's fantastic, yeah." "It's great." "We have one female roaster left in the competition, so basically we're having a sausage party in your honor, okay?" "Thank you very much." "[ Laughs ] Yeah." "[ Applause ]" "Next to Seth, my really good pal Jimmy Kimmel came in." "What's happening, Jimmy?" "[ Audience cheering ]" "Aw, thanks." "[ Chanting ] Ziggy zaggy, ziggy zaggy!" "Oy!" "Oy!" "Oy!" "Jeff: [ Laughs ]" "Jimmy, you remember The Wave when you're judged in L.A. -- remember?" "Together:" "Whoa!" "These guys are the greatest." "I was just telling Seth about these guys." "You're a combination of comedians and acrobats, which has never happened before." "There's never been a physically fit comedian before the three of you came." "Ooh!" "Yeah." "Jeff:" "That's Jamar, Jeremiah, and Willie." "If you don't know The Wave, they're the biggest" ""Roast Battle" fans on the planet." "They came with us from Los Angeles." "If you're here in this room or watching at home," "I suggest you follow their lead and go fucking crazy tonight, okay?" "Jimmy, is where we met -- Montreal." "Do you remember?" "We did." "We met almost 20 years ago here." "By the way, what happened with Céline Dion?" "She and René broke up?" "Yes." "Yes." "What?" "What?" "Did something happen?" "Something..." "We don't get your news in the United States." "[ Laughter ]" "Both of tonight's judges have hosted Comedy Central roasts." "They're roasting experts." "This is gonna be epic, 'cause over the past two nights," "I've shown you eight great battles." "And those winners are backstage right now, getting ready to face each other in the quarter finals to see who rules the roast." "Tonight, it's the hateful eight -- eight roasters representing Canada, England, and America." "So, saddle up, everybody, and welcome your referee, my brother, Brian motherfucking Moses!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Whoo!" "Battle!" "[ Crowd chanting "battle" ]" "Ay, yeah!" "Look how much fun we're having." "[ Audience cheering ]" "Welcome to the quarter finals of "Roast Battle," everybody." "[ Audience cheering ] [ Chuckles ]" "Let's get right to it." "Our first roaster of the evening is a bi-coastal "Roast Battle" winner and he's a bisexual dynamo -- the Emmy-nominated Mike Lawrence." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Chuckles ]" "You look great, Captain Caveman." "[ Laughter ]" "It's crazy looking at Seth Rogen and realizing that's the most attractive I could ever be." "[ Laughter ]" "That's true." "Whoo!" "We're like a very unconvincing before-and-after ad for some -- for some very shitty product." "[ Laughs ]" "His opponent is here tonight after a heavyweight knockout in the first round." "All the way from Tennessee, he floats like a Butterball, and he eats for three, it's Ralphie May." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Yeah!" "♪ Gotta give you that good love ♪" "♪ Gotta get me that good love ♪ Size matters" "♪♪" "Remember, there are three rules in "Roast Battle."" "First rule -- nothing's off-limits, except for physical contact." "Neither of you do anything physical." "Nobody's worried about that." "[ Laughs ]" "Second rule -- original material only." "Third rule -- at the end of every battle, we hug." "[ Audience "aww"s ] Mm." "Anyway, each battle has four jokes." "And if it goes to a tie, we go to a sudden-death, one-joke overtime." "Ralphie, Mike, who wants to go first?" "I went first last night, so let's let Michael go first." "All right." "Gentlemen, are we ready?" "Yes." "[ Cheers and applause ] Oh, yes!" "Let's roast!" "[ Bell dings ]" "Ralphie's going through a divorce." "It says a lot that your wife would rather take half your money now when she could just wait three months to get all of it." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Gunshots ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "That was a good one." "That was a good one." "People don't know Mike is a second-generation shitty comic." "He's comedy royalty, and by that, he smells like Prince does now." "[ Audience "oh"s ]" "[ Air horn blares ]" "You know, black people love Ralphie -- mainly because he breaks through walls to give them Kool-Aid." "[ Gunshots ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Gunshots continue ]" "Mike, I'm not saying you're retarded, but when you eat a girl out, it's called going Down Syndrome." "[ Chuckles ] [ Lasers firing ]" "You know, the roughest part of Ralphie's divorce was getting the ring off his finger." "[ Laughter ] [ Explosion ]" "Told you." "[ Siren walls ]" "Mike reminds me of Pepé Le Pew from the "Looney Tunes" cartoons." "He smells like shit and he's rapey as fuck." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Gun cocks ]" "Brian:" "Last...joke." "Last joke." "I am battling an angry cloud." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Audience "oh"s ]" "Oh, yeah." "This "Roast Battle" has been brought to you by Febreze." "[ Laughs ]" "Stinky motherfucker." "The fog just makes you look more like the iceberg that sunk the Titanic." "[ Audience cheering ]" "That's great." "Yeah." "Wait a minute." "He gets two?" "That's a rebuttal, that's a rebuttal." "That's fine." "Go ahead, Mike." "Look, Ralphie, I know you think it's hack to make fun of you for being fat, but here's the thing -- It is." "Your family's gone -- your family deserted you, and Dat Phan beat you on "Last Comic Standing."" "The reason I make fun of your weight is because it's the only thing you haven't lost." "[ Audience "oh"s ]" "[ Gunshots, sirens wailing ]" "Jeff:" "How graphic." "How graphic." "[ Cheering, indistinct shouting ]" "All right, no problem." "I would -- let's do this." "[ Chuckles ]" "Mike is so fucking stinky, he makes onions cry." "His breath smells like his favorite hobby is sucking horse cock." "[ Gurgles ]" ""Mmm!" "That's some tasty cums!"" "Is this where I get to take a pin and pop you?" "What?" "[ Chuckles ]" "See, there you go." "Hey, oh." "Break it up, break it up, break it up, break it up." "That's the first battle." "Keep it going." "Ralphie May, Mike Lawrence." "[ Air horn blaring ]" "Wow." "[ Gunshots ]" "Keep it going." "That was awesome." "Awesome." "Oh." "[ Cheers and applause continue ]" "Oh." "[ Laughs ]" "It smells great up here, by the way." "Now." "Big Papa Roast, take it away." "That was one of the most entertaining things" "I've seen in a long time." "[ Cheers and applause ] You guys..." "Ralphie, you're naturally one of the funniest people on the planet, and when you add the writing and the prep and the discipline that you showed this week," "I'm really impressed, man." "You even loosened up so much from last night." "You were fucking hilarious tonight, so thank you very much." "Thank you, sir." "Uh-huh, yeah." "Kimmel, what do you think?" "Well, first of all, it was very funny." "You guys were both very funny, and I was laughing very hard through the whole thing." "The problem, I think, for Ralphie was he was talking about how much Mike smells, and I haven't smelled Mike." "I don't know if this is just -- I mean, you know " "I assume I smell worse than he does." "No, you don't." "That's just weed." "So it didn't really resonate with me that Mike smells, whereas we can see that you are indeed very, very fat." "[ Laughter ]" "I mean, no offense, but you are very fat." "It's okay." "I don't mind y'all even giving him an extra joke, okay?" "It's no problem." "He's got fat jokes -- that's fantastic." "So, I think Ralphie was at a disadvantage in this particular roast battle, in that he didn't have something to go off of, whereas Mike did." "And so I liked Mike." "Mike." "I agree -- there is the obvious physical representations of the jokes, which you have to confront." "[ Laughter ]" "I generally am sympathetic towards Mike, due to our..." "amazing resemblance." "If I was unemployed for, like, eight years," "I would look like you." "And I don't know if you're getting divorced or not, but the fact that you might be makes me think that that was a ballsy joke, and I like that." "And so I also, due to the fact that you may be getting divorced and he made fun of that, gonna give it to Mike." "[ Laughs ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Brian:" "All right." "Jimmy:" "What do you think, Jeff?" "And don't cop out because Ralphie's your best pal." "You tell us who you think won this roast battle, damn it." "Thank you, Jimmy." "Thank you, Jimmy." "You're welcome." "Here's the thing " "Ralphie's right in that he got one less joke." "It got a little sloppy in there, in that they were just going in the moment, and I appreciate that." "It was all part of the fun." "It probably went one joke too long on both sides." "But I think, Ralphie, as much as you really brought it tonight, clearly Mike Lawrence -- that Kool-Aid joke was one of the best jokes I've heard at this tournament so far." "You're a great joke writer, Mike Lawrence." "Congratulations." "[ Cheers and applause ] Brian:" "Wow." "The winner -- unsuccessful Seth Rogen!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "That was awesome." "Thank you." "Take a bow!" "Good, man." "Battle!" "Battle!" "[ Audience chanting "battle" ]" "I'm roasting Sarah Tiana, and she's a roast writer." "That might be all she does, I don't know." "That is the hardest part about roasting, is that you're putting so much time into the person that you're going against." "I've heard that she also just hurls insults at people on the street." "Sarah:" "If I'm gonna spend that much time on you, you better be worth it." "Hey, my buddy Cousin Sal is here." "What's up, Sal?" "How you doing?" "You know Sal from "Jimmy Kimmel Live."" "Sal, who would win in a roast battle -- me or you?" "I think we've done this before, and it was tied." "Let's do it again someday, yeah." "You know what would be fun, though -- if you guys physically fight at the end of the show." "Wouldn't that be funny?" "No, there's no physical violence." "That'd be fun for everybody." "[ Audience chanting "battle" ] Jeff is a black belt." "Easy, easy, easy." "[ Laughs ]" "[ Chanting continues ]" "Sit!" "Yo!" "Keep it going for our favorite deejay, Coach Tea, everybody." "[ Plays musical cue ]" "Who's ready for the next battle?" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "This lady beat down Chris Cubas in her first-round battle to make it here tonight." "And she's like Hillary Clinton -- she's the only lady left in this competition." "[ Laughter ]" "Please welcome Georgia's own Sarah Tiana." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "♪♪" "Yes." "You look lovely." "Thank you." "Brian:" "Her opponent isn't gay, but he's the pride of the Upper West Side." "He beat Steve Rannazzisi with a barrage of 9/11 jokes that we will never forget." "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Sam Morril." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "♪♪" "Yes." "Yes." "Yes." "You guys know the rules -- one round, tit for tat, four jokes." "Who wants to go first?" "I volunteer as tribute." "[ Chuckles ]" "Are we ready?" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Let's roast!" "[ Bell dings ]" "Sam, I'm so excited." "I'm also shocked that you're here tonight, because your battle against Steve Rannazzisi was one of the worst I've ever seen." "But I was very excited for Steve, because he finally got to see two things imploding at once." "[ Audience "oh"s ]" "Man: 9/11!" "Thank you." "[ Laughs ]" "Thank you, Legally Bland." "[ Audience "oh"s ]" "Sarah is a real Georgia peach, mostly 'cause any hillbilly with a quarter can put his mouth on her." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Laughs ]" "I love that you laugh at your own jokes." "You really love your own jokes." "That explains why your eyebrows are always high-fiving each other." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Tiger growling ]" "My eyebrows -- my eyebrows may be mad, but you look like Chelsea Handler melted." "[ Laughter ]" "You've written on so many failed shows," "I call them all Amelia Earhart 'cause they're all female-driven pilots and they're nowhere to be found." "[ Audience "oh"s ]" "[ Gunshots ]" "Canada, I just -- I want to apologize for Sam, because he is the Donald Trump of comedy." "He is a spoiled rich kid that embarrasses our country, and he's about to get easily beat by a woman." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Gunshots ]" "I'm sorry, Sarah, I couldn't hear you over your biological clock ticking." "[ Audience "oh"s ]" "[ Whistling ]" "Sarah's a big Seth Rogen fan." "She loved him in "The Night Before" -- mostly 'cause she's never seen a guy the morning after." "[ Audience "oh"s ]" "Last joke." "Oh." "Sam, you are a disgusting, disgusting man." "Uh, I " "I just " " I can't believe that you're Jewish, because you're so dirty, and we have proof that the Jews took at least one shower." "[ Chuckles ]" "[ Audience "oh"s ]" "Oh, boy." "It's a great joke." "Sarah." "Sarah." "What's older, your act or your eggs?" "Jesus." "I heard Sarah just had a miscarriage in the shower, and I thought, "Wow, worst baby shower ever."" "[ Audience "oh"s ]" "[ Car alarms blaring ]" "That is good." "[ Bell dings ]" "Keep it going." "Sam Morril, Sarah Tiana." "You're great." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Wow." "That's a -- that's a great Jew joke, Sarah." "There's two Jewish judges." "That was a pretty flawless round on both of your parts." "Congratulations, you guys." "That was really funny." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Seth." "What do you think, Seth?" "It's really tough, honestly." "I-I-I'm having a hard time deciding." "They both were really, uh " " Jimmy?" "We were talking, and we think we might need a tie breaker." "I think we do want a tie breaker, yeah." "Oh, shit." "Yeah." "'Cause it was really close." "All right." "You got it?" "You got it?" "[ Audience chanting "one more joke" ]" "All right, one more joke." "Sudden death." "Sudden death, one joke." "Who's going first?" "Who went first?" "Sarah did." "Jeff:" "All right." "Have fun, Sam." "All right." "One last time " " Sam, Sarah." "Let's roast!" "[ Bell dings ]" "Sarah's been dumped by so many comics, they call her pussy a temp job." "[ Laughter ]" "Oh, Sam." "You made so many old jokes on me tonight, and that's true " " I am old enough to be your mother." "And just like your biological mother, in about five minutes," "I'm never gonna think about you again." "[ Audience "oh"s ]" "[ Explosion ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Gunshots ]" "Wow." "[ Bell dings ]" "Very, very funny." "Satisfied?" "That was really great." "That was really awesome." "Jimmy, what do you think?" "Well, I thought they battled to a draw in the first round, and I thought, in the tie breaker, Sarah had it." "I mean, that was -- that was really funny." "But Sam is super funny." "Seth:" "Yeah." "Sam is really funny, too." "You guys were both great." "Really good." "Yeah, it was hilarious, and it was " "I agree it was a dead heat." "You referenced one of my films, which inherently made me like you." "'Cause you fed my ego." "But the eyebrows high-fiving was..." "The eyebrows high-fiving negated that, so that's where it left you in the heat." "My eyebrows do look like they were recruited by ISIS, but she's never been picked up by any guy ever, so..." "[ Audience "oh"s ]" "There's no need to lash out." "I can throw one more in." "I'm getting eliminated, for fuck's sake, come on." "[ Laughter ] Jesus Christ." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Air horn blaring ]" "Sam?" "It's true." "Let him have it." "I agree." "Because I think that last joke was a thing of beauty." "So Sarah takes it in the end for me, yeah." "Sam." "Hey, hey, Seth -- I would appreciate it, Seth, if you didn't advertise that I take it in the end." "That would be great." "See, this is what I mean." "This makes me proud, 'cause these are two of the best roasters." "This is Comedy Cellar versus The Comedy Store, where the funniest people are." "And, Sam, you went so deep." "The baby-shower joke was amazing." "That was hilarious." "Sarah, you really cut deep -- Holocaust, 9/11." "You know, you squeaked it out." "Congratulations, babe." "There you go." "Brian:" "Awesome." "Ladies and gentlemen, your winner " " Sarah Tiana!" "Hug each other." "Hello." "Battle!" "Battle!" "K. Trevor:" "I'm in the quarter finals." "I'm excited to be there." "I'm up against Tony Hinchcliffe, and he's tough." "He's tough." "Taking on the Canadian in Canada," "I know I've got everything stacked against me." "Gonna hit him with a couple jabs and then swing for the fences with a knockout punch." "He's got home-field advantage, and I'm coming in to wreck him." "I'm gonna send him home -- the short drive home." "♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey" "[ Laughs ]" "Hey, let's recap what's happened so far tonight." "Four battles went head-to-head, using only their jokes." "In our first battle, Mike Lawrence beat Ralphie May to secure a spot in the semi-finals." "And in the second battle, Sarah Tiana beat Sam Morril, earning her way into the second semi-final match." "Who will they face?" "We're about to find out with these next two battles." "For our next mash-up, he's here tonight after winning an overtime judge decision in the first round." "He's big-headed." "He's also cocky." "Folks, keep it going for the golden pony, Tony Hinchcliffe." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Dramatic music playing ]" "[ Audience cheering ]" "He came here to slay, baby." "You look great." "What is this, "Gay of Thrones"?" "[ Laughter ]" "Yeah." "Go get 'em, Tony." "I love this." "Facing Tony is a great man from the Great White North." "[ Audience cheering ]" "He's the only Canadian in this roast battle." "He's a grizzly bear with a heart of gold." "Keep it going for K. Trevor Wilson." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Laughs ]" "Looks like Comic-Con came to Canada." "All right." "Jesus." "All right." "It's like a Lannister versus a Flintstone." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Chanting "Let's start" ]" "Thanks, Wave." "Whoa!" "[ Laughs ]" "Thank you, Wave." "You guys know the rules." "Who wants to go first?" "He's an opener, he always will be an opener." "You should go first." "[ Audience "Oh"s ]" "The villain." "Yo." "Canada, U.S.A., are we ready?" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Let's roast!" "[ Bell dings ]" "You're a creepy-looking fuck, aren't you, bud?" "You look like Tim Burton presents a stand-up comedian." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Siren walls ]" "[ Gunfire ]" "Thank you." "[ Laughter ]" "K. Trevor, you look like the first member of the Hells Angels to ever ride in on a Rascal scooter." "[ Laughter, applause ]" "I just want to say, yesterday, Tony battled Mark Normand, and he made a joke about Tony hitting his girlfriend." "And I want to say that is not true." "That is bullshit." "Tony has never hit his girlfriend." "Faggots don't have girlfriends." "[ Gunfire ]" "[ Audience cheering ]" "K. Trevor looks like the kind of guy that uses the "N" word a lot." "And that "N" word is" ""Num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num..."" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Air horn honks ]" "[ Laughter ]" "Tony, you look like you could write a great coffee-table book on how to hide an erection at a child's birthday party." "[ Audience "Oh"s ]" "[ Explosion ]" "I could." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "K. Trevor looks like a rapist that makes the girl get on top." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Explosion ]" "Brian:" "Last joke." "Tony, the only time you've ever made a pussy wet is when you drowned a bag of cats." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Gunfire ]" "Yeah." "K. Trevor looks like the only Canadian that pays for his own healthcare." "Wow." "Okeydokey." "[ Bell dings ]" "That'll do it." "K. Trevor Wilson!" "Tony Hinchcliffe!" "Keep it going." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Big papa roast, what you got for this one?" "That was the hardest I laughed this entire tournament." "That was really funny, you guys." "Give it up for these two roasters." "[ Cheers and applause ] [ Air horn blaring ]" "Man, so many funny jokes." ""Fags don't have..." "girlfriends"?" "Yeah." "That actually is true." "That is true, I've found." "[ Laughter ]" ""Bag of cats," so funny." "Tony, great jokes, too, man." "What do you guys think?" ""Num, num, num, num, num" was a beautiful joke." "That was great." "It really was." "Tony learned the hard way you can joke about a lot of shit here in Canada, but you don't fuck with our healthcare." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Tony:" "Yeah." "You guys are very proud of something that's clearly not working." "[ Audience "Oh"s ]" "I'm still alive." "The fact that he's still here is, yeah." "In America, he would have been dead 20 years ago, for sure." "There were a lot of really good jokes." "I mean, the Tim Burton joke was unbelievable, coming out of the gate." "But the erection at the child's birthday party is, uh " "I mean, I've been there, I know it, and..." "[ Laughter ]" "You use a teddy bear or a cake -- or the cake itself." "Yeah, or the cake." "Yeah, of course." "Not if it's an ice-cream cake." "No, but a nice sponge cake, yeah, you fuck it all night." "I think, in a way, Tony was at an inherent disadvantage because he had to keep saying "K. Trevor" at the beginning of every sentence, which sounded so fucking stupid." "Tony:" "Yeah, it true." ""K. Trevor" -- just Trevor or whatever." "What is "K"?" "He's so fat he ate his own first name." "[ Audience "Oh"s ]" "Well, Tony, that was a great joke." "Your last joke was great, too." "Unfortunately, they weren't within the regulation time period." "You instead chose the healthcare joke, and I have to say, I thought K. Trevor won that round." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "It's not just because he kind of looks like me and is Canadian." "Brian:" "Your whole family's here tonight." "I know, exactly." "[ Laughs ]" "Don't forget about his annoying voice." "I have one of those, too." "Yes, you do." "Exactly, so..." "I've been picking up your garbage ever since you left, bud." "Thank you, pal." "[ Laughter ]" "And he's clearly been putting it in his mouth." "[ Audience "Oh"s ]" "Where was this in the round, Tony?" "I know!" "Where were you, man?" "Where were you?" "It was there." "It's just Canadians only laugh at their own, clearly." "By the way, I'm imagining Tony now going home sadly through the metal detector at the airport..." "[ Laughter ]" "I know." "...in that costume." "I'm sorry." "It doesn't feel good." "There's nothing worse than losing in a suit of armor, but I'm sorry." "That is true." "That is true." "I'm giving it to K. Trevor." "It's true." "I'm gonna give you both a standing ovation on that battle." "Tony, you really came tonight." "It was amazing." "You came fully armored with amazing material, plus you took it up a notch." "You know, you haven't been doing stand-up and roasting that long, but you proved that you really are one of the best." "Congratulations." "But, K. Trevor, your night." "Brian:" "Hug each other." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Yo." "Your winner -- Canada's own K. Trevor Wilson!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "♪ O, Canada" "♪ Our home and native land" "Carr:" "Genuinely, I learned nothing from my experience the other night on "Roast Battle."" "I told some jokes at a girl, and I won." "Guess what -- everyone has a game plan until they get hit in the face." "Carr:" "I'm gonna be me." "He's gonna be him." "Earl:" "Good luck, Jimmy." "You're gonna need it, pal." "You bitch." "[ Audience chanting "battle" ]" "Yeah!" "Are you ready for the final battle of the quarter finals?" "!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "It's a banger, and not just because we have a roaster from England." "Listen, this guy's the best-dressed guy in "Roast Battle."" "This guy was so brutal to his opponent, he left her in the first round babbling in the corner to herself." "[ Laughter ]" "Please welcome the U.K.'s own Jimmy Carr." "[ Cheers and applause ] [ Classical music playing ]" "His opponent is a relative to the Kennedy family." "He slid into the second round by greasing up his whole body with oil." "From Bel Air, California -- Earl Skakel." "[ Gong sounds ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Funeral march plays ]" "I don't need this shit." "Do you?" "[ Audience cheering ]" "[ Gong sounds ]" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "[ Audience chanting "Battle" ]" "[ Gong sounds ]" "[ Chanting continues ]" "There's a Revolutionary War about to happen." "Jeff:" "This is a very, very anticipated battle." "This is like WrestleMania versus Transylvania." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Jimmy eat Earl." "Who wants to go first, gentlemen?" "Oh, I think the champ should show me how it's done." "Ooh!" "[ Audience "Oh"s ]" "More than happy to oblige." "Whoo!" "Let's roast!" "[ Bell dings ]" "[ Clears throat ]" "Earl is unlike anyone else." "Earl is willing to laugh at himself -- unlike anyone else." "Comedy is a vocation, if you can make just one person laugh, then you're better than Earl." "In fact, if you're at home right now watching this thinking," ""I'd love to try comedy,"" "then career-wise you're exactly where Earl is." "[ Laughter, applause ]" "[ Glass shattering ]" "Wow, Jimmy, that lasted about as long as your last tax return." "Oh, wait, you don't do those." "[ Audience "Oh"s ]" "Jimmy, you look like you worked at Hogwarts, which is what girls get when they fuck you." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Laughs ]" "Pretty good." "Pretty good." "[ "Toccata and Fugue" plays ]" "I cannot believe your mother shared that with you." "[ Audience "Oh"s ]" "Earl was born in California in 1967." "Abortion was made legal in California in 1967." "Those two events have to be linked." "He's like a walking advert for Planned Parenthood." "It looks like Frankenstein beat AIDS." "[ Laughter ]" "[ "Toccata and Fugue" plays ]" "Jimmy, whenever I see you," "I expect to see David Beckham around you, 'cause you're such a posh cunt." "[ Audience "Oh"s ]" "[ Gunfire ]" "[ Explosion ]" "[ Laughs ]" "Well, there's just no denying that." "[ Laughter ]" "Also, I'm not sure if everyone will be aware of this, but Earl's grandfather was a multi-millionaire philanthropist." "To give you an idea of how generous this man was, he's been dead for 61 years and, to this day, he still pays the rent of a 47-year-old loser he never met." "[ Laughter, applause ]" "[ Air horn honks ]" "[ Laughs ]" "Good one, Wave." "Together:" "Whoa!" "Jimmy's last name is Carr because you can fit five guys comfortably inside of him." "[ Audience "Oh"s ]" "Brian:" "Last joke." "Ooh." "Earl is actually part of the Kennedy clan, as if that family hadn't suffered enough." "I guess -- I guess Rosemary Kennedy wasn't the only one who had a lobotomy, and -- typical Kennedy -- he's always shooting his mouth off." "[ Audience "Oh"s ]" "[ Gun cocks ]" "[ Gunshot ]" "[ Audience cheering ]" "Jimmy, I have to hand it to you." "You look really amazing." "I think the last decade of running from your dad has really paid off." "Fuck." "[ Laughter ] [ Bell dings ]" "[ Indistinct shouting ]" "Come on, these guys." "Keep it going." "Jimmy Carr, Earl Skakel, and that Wave." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Jeffrey Roast, what you got?" "That was an -- [ Audience shouting ]" "Hold on." "Hold on." "Hold on." "No, no, no, no." "No, no, no, no." "Hold on." "Hold on." "[ Audience chanting "One more joke" ]" "Hold on a second." "Hold on a second." "Let judges weigh in before we decide." "Well, maybe we should have one more joke, and then the judges maybe will weigh in." "[ Cheers and applause ] Not that I consider this a tie." "[ Air horn honking ]" "Maybe one more regulation joke." "So you're saying you don't consider this a tie, but you would still like to see one more joke." "I do not consider this to be a tie." "I'll allow it." "I would still love to see one more joke." "I'll allow it." "Man:" "One more!" "Who doesn't like more jokes?" "Yeah." "[ Laughs ]" "Okay." "Who wants to go first?" "Well, his is gonna take about 10 minutes, so I'll go first." "Oh!" "[ Audience ohs ]" "One more time." "Let's roast!" "[ Bell dings ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Jimmy actually pulled a lot of strings to get into this battle." "The guy's right up there, pretending his moments are human." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Buzzer ]" "Was-- Fuck." "One less joke!" "One less joke!" "[ Laughter and applause ]" "Um, Earl grew up in Bel Air next to O.J. Simpson on a street with the Kardashians and Paris Hilton." "It must have been difficult knowing you were the least talented." "[ Audience ohs ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Gong rings ]" "[ Laughs ]" "Those bits were amazing." "And judges?" "Who'd you like in this one?" "First of all, I'm giving a standing ovation to both of these roasters." "That was an amazing roast battle." "[ Air horn blaring ]" "Everybody, stand up!" "That was outstanding." "Carr:" "Jokes -- just some jokes." "Thank you." "Be seated, be seated." "Who's ready to make their judgement?" "Mr. Kimmel or Mr. Rogen?" "I'll go first." "You go." "James." "Again, both great." "I mean, obviously, from a costuming standpoint," "Earl had the edge coming out." "I will say, I thought there were a lot of great jokes, but I could not get past the clipboard." "I'm sorry, Jimmy, but it was as if you were reading the jokes off the clip" "It was like you were..." "Carr:" "That is exactly what was happening." "Yeah." "Your eyes did not deceive you there." "That is..." "Yeah, yeah." "It didn't seem important enough to..." "I know." "Whoo!" "I shouldn't have taken that into consideration, but..." "I feel like you read the jokes off the clipboard, whereas Earl pulled his from his very soul, and so I say I think Earl won that round." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Solid." "Solid." "Brian:" "Hey." "Hey." "Seth Rogen matters." "Go ahead." "Seth:" "It's tough." "I'm gonna start by saying it's tough and you guys were both incredible and I loved it." "So, I think Jimmy had more like -- it was a more consistent level of wonderful jokes." "That was good." "However, I think that Earl brought me to higher highs -- and lower lows, ultimately." "But as someone who likes to ride that wave," "I'm gonna go with the higher highs." "The posh cunt and Hogwarts -- wonderful jokes." "I'm gonna give it to Earl." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Sweet." "[ Gong sounds ]" "Go ahead, Jeff." "Your vote doesn't count, but go ahead." "I do think that Earl's posh cunt joke was the best joke of the tournament so far." "You know what was interesting about this?" "This is truly what "Roast Battle" is about -- somebody with so much to prove, somebody like Earl, who's never been on television before, who brought it tonight in a way that, even as your friend..." "I was in "Real Rob" with Rob Schneider." "[ Laughter ] [ Gong sounds ]" "Even as your friend, I didn't think you could be as great as you were tonight." "Jimmy Carr, you're such a fucking good guy, a good sport to come out here and do this tournament " "I love this show." "You do?" "Love it." "Thank you, Jimmy." "Love this show." "What's not to love?" "The best." "Jeff:" "Jimmy Carr, you're a class act -- you're a class act all the way, dude." "Now I think Americans will see how funny you are and know how funny you are." "[ Laughter ]" "And that's what really counts." "Brian:" "U.S.A.!" "U.S.A.!" "[ Audience chanting "U.S.A." ]" "You literally forgot you were in Canada for the last..." "No, that's not what I'm saying at all." "He won this tournament in Canada last year." "Now it's being broadcast in America for the first time." "People don't know Jimmy Carr when I say him in America." "Now they're gonna know this fucking guy who should be known." "What Jeff is saying is nobody knows who you are here." "[ Laughter ]" "Now that you've been on on Saturday Night at midnight..." "Late-night Comedy Central." "[ Snorts ] ...on a show hosted by Jeff Ross..." "Sure, this is a game changer me, this." "[ Laughter ]" "You won't be able to go anywhere." "This is huge." "And a million Twitter followers." "Jim, we were there." "Jeff, you're not mad, are you?" "Jimmy, I'm sorry, I take this very seriously." "I know." "I'm just saying take it down a notch, that's all." "[ Laughter ]" "In a major upset, Earl Skakel!" "Hug each other!" "Hug each other!" "Coming up, we'll tell you who's battling, who's in our finale, and we'll reveal who's gonna judge tomorrow night's "Roast Battle."" "Let's roast!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "♪♪" "Mm, mm-mm, mm." "This was the craziest night in "Roast Battle" history." "We are down to our final four roasters in the tournament." "Here's what happened tonight." "In an epic battle, K. Trevor Wilson beat Tony Hinchcliffe to face Mike Lawrence on Sunday." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "And that was followed by Earl Skakel eking out a victory against Jimmy Carr to move on..." "[ Cheers and applause ] ...against Sarah Tiana in the semis tomorrow night." "These battles are gonna be nuts, everybody. where you can see our exclusive post-battle show." "We're gonna bring back the four winning roasters from tonight for a final chat." "Jeff, final thoughts?" "I'm so excited for the final." "I can't believe it." "I can't believe Sarah Silverman's gonna judge our live finale on Sunday, and one of the greatest directors of our time, Judd Apatow." "That's gonna be really cool." "Hey!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Seth, Jimmy." "This was the greatest show I've ever been to." "Congratulations." "The comics were all great." "You did a great job." "The deejay -- The Wave is unbelievable." "The Wave -- off the hook." "I mean, look at that." "[ Gunshot ]" "By the way, this is the best audience of the entire tournament so far." "Brian:" "This is dope, man." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "This is so dope." "[ Air horn blaring ]" "Hey!" "Tomorrow night, we're 100% live from Montreal, with our judges and our four roasters competing for the championship and the cash." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "The roasters better bring their A-game 'cause they'll have to battle two times back-to-back to take home that trophy right there next to Jeff Ross." "And the judges will be comedy legends" "Judd Apatow and Sarah Silverman." "We'll see you guys tomorrow night -- same battle channel, same battle time." "Good night!" "Go nuts!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Audience chanting "Battle" ]"