"MALORY( sighs):" "Ruined." "Completely..." "ARCHER:" "Mother,comeon,  we're not..." "MALORY:" "Shutup ." "And utterly..." "ARCHER:" "We'renot..." "MALORY:" "Shutup ." "Andruined!" "ARCHER:" "We'renot"ruined,"" "Camille." "We've got 2,000 pounds of cocaine." "LANA:" "Minusthe20kilos you sold for Monopoly money, oh, minus however much Pam ate, probably two kilos." "PAM:" "Orthree,orwhatever." "ARCHER:" "Quiteatingall the  goddamn cocaine!" "PAM:" "Makeme !" "(Archer yells)" "ARCHER:" "Mypoint,unlessPam ate it, is that things could be a lot worse." "MALORY:" "How?" "You sold a million dollars of product for this worthless stack of paper." "How could it be any worse?" "(groans)" "CYRIL:" "I ,uh,hatetoagree with Archer, but it could be worse-- these are actually really good fakes." "I mean, not good enough to deposit in a bank, but..." "ARCHER:" "Goodenoughtopass  in, say, a deli?" "CYRIL:" "Yeah,Iguess,but..." "ARCHER:" "Shutup ." "So you take a hundred, go buy a pack of gum, and walk out with $99.50 in change." "CYRIL:" "Hey,that'sbrilliant," "Archer." "ARCHER:" "Yeah,plusgum ?" "CYRIL:" "Soyou'regonnado that 10,000 times?" "ARCHER:" "Well,notme personally." "MALORY:" "Notanyone personally; it's idiotic." "What we need is a big-ticket item." "PAM:" "Likeabig bag  of cocaine!" "LANA:" "Thelastthingweneed is more cocaine." "PAM:" "Disagree." "LANA:" "Becauseyouare  addicted to cocaine." "PAM:" "Yourwords." "ARCHER:" "Hey,waitasecond," "I've got the perfect big-ticket item" " Cadillacs!" "RON:" "Nope." "ARCHER:" "Letme finish." "RON:" "Oh,I'msorry,please, uh, skip ahead to the part where" "I'm out 50 Caddies with your counterfeit money in the one hand and my schlong in the other." "ARCHER:" "Well,notnow ." "You ruined it." "MALORY:" "Thementalimage alone." "LANA:" "Andbesides,what were you planning to do with 50 Cadillacs?" "ARCHER:" "Um,opena dealership?" "What?" "Ron's done very well." "MALORY:" "Speakingof , why aren't you at work?" "RON:" "Everything'son  autopilot." "There's nothing for me to do." "I am so bored." "PAM:" "Haveyoutriedcocaine?" "RON:" "No,no ,nah." "Smoked a reefer cigarette once." "LANA:" "Uh,letmeguess,with some Negroes?" "RON:" "Asluckwouldhave it." "CYRIL:" "Whataboutguns?" "RON:" "No,no ,theyseemed nice, jazz cats." "CYRIL:" "No,whydon 'twebuy guns?" "I mean, I assume rival drug dealers aren't gonna be too happy with us..." "LANA:" "Andsincethe FBI  seized all the ISIS weapons when they took the building." "ARCHER:" "Oh,my God." "All we have now is my Walther and what, Lana, your TEC-9's?" "LANA:" "Yeah,forwhichIhave no ammo." "ARCHER:" "What?" "LANA:" "I usedto getitfrom  work." "ARCHER:" "Okay,if we 'redoing a list?" "Bullets." "MALORY:" "Ohfor..." "Sterling," "Lana, go through the old ISIS files and find an arms dealer." "Cyril, go lock up the product before Cokie Monster here gobbles it all up, and Ron, take me to lunch." "RON:" "It's8: 30in  the morning." "MALORY:" "A bar,then!" "Whatever!" "Ooh, or maybe a jazz club." "We can smoke reefers with these" "Negroes you're suddenly so nuts about." "RON:" "Itwas1940!" "CYRILAndwhereamI supposed to lock up 2,000 pounds of cocaine?" "ARCHER:" "Cyril,lookaround." "Somewhere in this mansion, I have to assume, is a gigantic," "Scrooge McDuckian vault." "PAM:" "ScroogeMcDuck,eh?" "(gobbling cocaine)" "(coughs)" "Sweater." "MALORY:" "Allright." "Where are we?" "Lana, did you find an arms dealer?" "LANA:" "Mmm,no ,allwe'vegot so far is Spyridon Skorpio and Conway Stern." "CYRIL:" "Geez,thoseare old  files." "LANA:" "Oneof whomweblew  up, the other of whom's hand we gruesomely ripped off." "ARCHER:" "Andbothofwhom  bring up extremely uncomfortable sexual memories for... uh, 40% to 60% of the people in this room." "MALORY:" "Hmph." "Oh, what about Ray's brother, the pot farmer?" "He had lots of guns." "LANA:" "Yeah,he 'sdoinglife in prison." "RAY:" "Now,that'sthe song you should write." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Ugh,or maybe one about a crippled cyborg, who all he did was pussy-ache about being a crippled cyborg!" "(Ray cries)" "MALORY:" "Well,keeplooking." "And, Cyril, you've got the product under lock and key?" "CYRIL:" "Yup,in thekitchen pantry." "There's no Scrooge McDucky vault." "MALORY:" "Nowhat?" "ARCHER:" "Uh,howaboutan old-timey gymnasium full of" "Indian clubs and medicine balls?" "WOODHOUSE:" "Hello?" "I've finished!" "CYRIL:" "Thereis oneofthose." "MALORY:" "Oh,anditwasa good idea to lock up all the counterfeit money." "CYRIL:" "Yeah,goodjob , whoever did that." "LANA:" "Wait,didyou not ?" "CYRIL:" "Mmm,no ,I..." "MALORY:" "What?" "Well, where the hell is it?" "PAM:" "Welp!" "I've got good news and good news." "MALORY:" "Amphetamines?" "!" "PAM:" "Right?" "And I know it sounds crazy, but" "I like them as much as cocaine." "MALORY:" "Wheredidyou get  them?" "PAM:" "Okay,okay,okay,so remember how I used to drift-race with the Yakuza?" "ARCHER:" "TheYakuza?" "PAM:" "Hai." "MALORY:" "What,werethe" "Hells Angels busy?" "PAM:" "Busybeingpussies." "You know, relatively." "When compared to the deadly and terrible Yakuza." "ARCHER:" "Yeah,andona  related note, Pam, what do you think's gonna happen when they realize the money is counterfeit?" "PAM:" "Oh,my God,right?" "Can you imagine?" "LANA:" "Yes,Pam,wecan." "CYRIL:" "Oh,my God,theychop  off their own fingers." "MALORY:" "Dotheyknowhowto find you?" "PAM:" "Um..." "Well, they know I work at ISIS, but that won't do them any good." "MALORY:" "Well,thank..." "PAM:" "Although..." "Whooooo!" "Domo arigato, fellas." "Two of them have been to my apartment." "You, too, Ojiisan." "Or three, or whatever." "ARCHER:" "Oh,JesusChrist." "Can the mind vomit?" "PAM:" "ButnowIlive here , so..." "MALORY:" "Well,thankGod , the..." "PAM:" "Although..." "YAKUZATOUGH:" "Hmm?" "YAKUZATOUGH2:" "Hmm." "Hmm-hmm." "Mmm, mm-hmm." "(laughs)" "ARCHER:" "Ugh,yes,the mind can, in fact, vomit." "(phone ringing)" "(gobbling pills)" "PAM:" "I 'mnothere." "(phone ringing)" "WOODHOUSE:" "Oh,dearGod ." "Telephone clanging away, and me trapped." "It's a good servant's worst nightmare." "I don't know how this could possibly be any wor... (doorbell ringing)" "Oh." "KRIEGER:" "Hey,so ,did somebody order Chinese?" "MALORY:" "They'reJapanese, you idiot!" "(groaning)" "KRIEGER:" "Oh,for..." "Idon't get all pissy every time you mistake a Dutchman for a Swede!" "Either time that happened!" "(phone rings)" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Answerthe goddamn telephone!" "GILLETTE:" "Now,there's your song!" "PAM:" "No!" "MALORY:" "Answerit !" "PAM:" "Makeme !" "(sobbing):" "Holy shitsnacks." "LANA:" "I willbreakbothof your collarbones, and then pull them out of your body, and then use them to play, in its entirety and on your head, "Moby Dick."" "KRIEGER:" "Bonham'sapussy." "HOLOGRAM:" "Maybeyoupussy!" "LANA:" "Pam?" "(Pam clears throat)" "PAM( poshaccent):" "Hello?" "MOTO:" "Shirokabocha." "PAM( gasps):" "It'sMr.Moto!" "MOTO:" "Shirokabocha," "I am very ashamed..." "Your new home is so beautiful, but I did not bring a housewarming gift." "PAM:" "Hey,youknowwhat ?" "Don't even sweat it, because..." "Hmm?" "Hai." "Hai." "Hai." "Mm-kay, bye." "ARCHER:" "Wait--didn'tyou  shoot that guy?" "MALORY:" "Oh,whoremembers?" "Well, what did he say?" "PAM:" "Well,he 'snothappy, obviously, and he wants his drugs back, and that guy who sold 'em to me's not gonna be playing the violin any time soon." "ARCHER:" "Because?" "PAM:" "Becauseaviolinwould probably dissolve in the same big drum of acid they dissolved that guy in." "ALL:" "Ew!" "LANA:" "Butif allMotowants is his drugs..." "MALORY:" "Thenhe cangiveus a refund." "LANA:" "Ofworthless counterfeit money?" "CYRIL:" "It'snotexactly worthless." "The right buyer would probably pay about 15 cents on the dollar for it." "Why didn't you say that?" "!" "CYRIL:" "Uh,Idon 'tknow." "I assumed you knew." "RON:" "Everybodyknowsthat." "MALORY:" "Ron?" "!" "LANA:" "I sayscrewthe money." "Let's just give Moto his drugs and be glad we dodged this giant metaphorical bullet." "ARCHER:" "Hey,andwherearewe on that list?" "LANA:" "Malory?" "MALORY:" "Oh,allright!" "We obviously can't go to war with the Yakuza." "ARCHER:" "Uh,notwithout normal-size, non-metaphorical bullets." "MALORY:" "But,Pam,ifthere ever are any, this comes out of your share of the profits." "(Pam sobs)" "How is that not fair?" "PAM:" "Motodoesn'tjustwant  the pills...!" "He also wants my heh-heh-heh-head!" "Non-metaph-phuh-phuh-phuh-phuh" "ARCHER:...phorically speaking, Pam, we got it." "CYRIL:" "Wait--he 'sstill gonna kill you?" "LANAEvenif yougiveback  the pills?" "PAM:" "Yes!" "LANA:" "Oh,hey,hey ,shh ." "Come on." "We're not gonna let the" "Yakuza kill you." "MALORY:" "Although... (Pam sobs loudly)" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Christon  drums, people!" "What?" "!" "ARCHER:" "Pamscrewedthe" "Yakuza out of a million bucks of amphetamines, so now they're gonna cut her head off." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Wait" "RON:" "Youhadbreakfasthere ?" "!" "MALORY:" "Ron!" "LANA:" "Andapparently,they've got your house completely surrounded, so..." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Socall the police." "MALORY:" "Ooh,goodidea,and when they get here, we can show them the drugs we bought with the counterfeit money we got from selling cocaine." "Oh, and by the way, Officer, there's another 2,000 pounds of it in the pantry!" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "So,then pay them!" "MALORY:" "Withwhat?" "!" "CHERYL/CAROL:$ 1million!" "Yes, real dollars." "Duh, look at my house." "I bet I got rugs worth a..." "Ugh!" "Fine, $2 million." "Okay, $5 million." "Fine, $10 million!" "$50 million!" "A jillion million!" "Jesus!" "Be more gross and Chinese-y!" "(sad trombone melody plays)" "ARCHER( laughs):" "Beenwaiting forever to use that." "(Pam sobs)" "LANA:" "Whydidyou insulthim?" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "A ," Chinese-y"" "is not an insult." "ARCHER:" "Mm,no ." "CYRIL:" "No,it totallyis." "RON:" "Notto aChinaman." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "AndB,  which is, like, so un-Chinesey, he doesn't even care" "He said it's a debt of honor, and it can only be paid with" "Pam's blood. (Pam sobs)" "And since I can't write a genre-defining country song with you people screaming about a horde of Chinese daylight vampires, who are probably scuttling up the drain pipes even as we speak, go out there and kill them!" "ARCHER:" "Don'tevenget me started on that." "LANA:" "Howaboutget started on that list?" "ARCHER:" "I 'mnot your secretary, Lana!" "We don't really have weapons or ammo." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "You're shitting me." "ARCHER:" "Mm,no ." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Ugh!" "ARCHER:" "Whoa,Istand extremely corrected." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Yeah,and they're all loaded." "This was the best house to be a kid in." "ARCHER:" "Mmm,yeah,and so... anything post-World War I?" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "I don'tknow." "I think Grandpapa lost interest once he filled the Museum of" "Natural History with dead animals." "Then he got real big into model trains, and then it was a sort of very long, sad slide into dementia, and ultimately, into death." "And the whole time he was screwing the asses off all the colored maids. (gasps)" "No, that's a terrible country song." "ARCHER:" "Here'syourcountry song right here!" "(mimics wailing guitar solo)" "LANA:" "Haveyoueverheard a country song?" "ARCHER:" "Um,"DangerZone"?" "LANA:" "Okay,listenup, there are way too many windows and doors to cover, so we need to concentrate on chokepoints." "(squealing laughter)" "Not that kind of chokepoints." "Chokepoints as in junctions, like the main foyer, the kitchen, the top of the grand staircase, the..." "MALORY:" "Whatareyou doing?" "Here." "RON:" "Noop..." "MALORY:" "Whatdo youmean," ""noop"?" "Take it!" "RON:" "Woman,Iamnotgetting in a shootout with the goddamn Yakuza because you people decided to steal their drugs!" "MALORY:" "Well,Isupportyou in your work!" "Not that you ever do any, but..." "RON:" "Ifyouwerehonestwith yourself, you would realize" "I have been incredibly supportive of you!" "Get arrested for treason," "I stand by you; become a drug dealer, I stand by you." "Oh-oh-oh!" "And you don't seem to mind driving around in a new Cadillac, do you?" "MALORY:" "A floormodel." "RON:" "Oh,for... (loud crash)" "What the...?" "MALORY:" "Sterling?" "!" "What in the...?" "!" "MOTO:" "Helldoeshethink he is doing?" "ARCHER:" "GoingJoshRandallon these dicks!" "Cheryl, build a fire and get some pokers hot!" "(Cheryl/Carol squeals)" "LANA:" "Yeah,great,start shooting." "I can't wait to meet every cop in Manhattan." "ARCHER:" "Ugh,right,damn." "Hey, Carol, you got any old-timey silencers?" "LANA:" "Silence,yes,aspireto that while I think of a plan." "Okay, Cheryl... (glass breaks)" "Goddamn it, Archer!" "ARCHER:" "I didn'tdo it !" "I was just..." "MALORY:" "Wha..." "Ron?" "!" "(Ron groans)" "Ron!" "PAM( laughs):" "Talkabouta floor model." "Oh, come on, we were all thinking it." "ARCHER:" "Getdown!" "(all grunting)" "MOTO:" "Tadashi,whatiswrong with you?" "!" "You shoot like an old blind woman!" "You bring shame on your family!" "(sad trombone melody plays)" "RON:" "Oh,my God,the  darkness, babe, I'm slipping into the darkness!" "MALORY:" "They'rejust pulling the drapes!" "RON:" "Still,though...(gasps)" "And what is this?" "An ocelot pelt?" "!" "ARCHER:" "Wait,what?" "!" "MALORY:" "Itwasall" "I could find!" "ARCHER:" "Oh,my God, if that's Babou...!" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Ugh,Iwish." "He's around here somewhere, either puking or pissing on something I care about." "LANA:" "Hey,so ..." "Ron's gonna die?" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Wait,Ron's gonna die?" "!" "RON:" "Aah,thedarkness!" "LANA:" "Especiallyif he goes into shock, which is why I'm speaking quietly." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Smart." "LANA:" "Wehavetogethimto a hospital, so are you sure there's no other way out of here besides the front door?" "Like, maybe a helicopter pad, or...?" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Theonlything" "I can think of is all the secret tunnels." "(Lana swallows)" "LANA:" "I 'msorry?" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Yeah,theygo everywhere." "My..." "I want to say my great-great-great-uncle?" "He built them trying to tap into the Underground Railroad." "LANA:" "Wait,didhethinkit was literally...?" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "A subterranean railroad, yeah, so..." "PAM:" "Sowhy'dhebuilda bunch of tunnels?" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Tocapture runaway slaves and sell them back to their rightful owners." "PAM:" "Wow." "LANA:" "Ugh,whatever,can  we...?" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "I wantto say his plan was to dress like a ghost?" "LANA:" "Canwe getRon  to a hospital?" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Oh,totally." "And then this one here goes all the way up to Lenox Hill" "Hospital." "LANA:" "Jesus,that'slikea mile." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Yeah,youdon 't want to walk that, so I'd come up around here and get a cab." "That'll be way quicker." "Plus I bet there's mole people." "CYRIL:" "Okay,Ithinkher point was, with all this, your great-whatever uncle must have really wanted to catch some slaves." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Oh,it  bankrupted him, and the crazy part, is this was, like, 1890." "MALORY:" "Willyouhurryup?" "We're losing him." "(Ron moans)" "ARCHER:" "Ron,shutup!" "Okay, Carol, you know the tunnels, you lead the group." "Cyril and Pam, you carry Ron." "Lana..." "PAM:" "Whydo Ihavetocarry  him?" "ARCHER:" "Becauseremember before when this whole goddamn thing was your fault?" "!" "PAM:" "Justasking." "ARCHER:" "LanaandMother,you should go with them, because my plan may not work." "MALORY:" "Whatplan?" "ARCHER:" "Okay,thistunnel here tees into a utility tunnel right in front of the house." "LANA:" "So...?" "ARCHER:" "SoIneedmyslightly darker-black black suit." "Woodhouse!" "Goddamn it, where the hell is he?" "WOODHOUSE:" "Slowlydying,for  all anyone cares." "But the saddest part is no one does." "ARCHER:" "Oh,whocares?" "(Ron moans)" "PAM:" "Aw,quityourliteral bellyaching." "LANA:" "Yeah,I'mstaying." "Because if your plan is what I think it is, you are totally gonna need rescuing." "ARCHER:" "No,I'mnot ,Lana,so shut your dicktrap." "(laughs)" "But if I do, I-I apologize for that remark, and ask that you definitely do rescue me." "Or avenge me as appropriate." "MALORY:" "That'sit ,I'm staying, too." "RON:" "What?" "You're picking him over me?" "MALORY:" "Oh,for..." "It'snota  competition, Ron!" "He's my child." "But seriously?" "A floor model?" "RON:" "Aw!" "What are you people, hourly?" "Let's go here." "(moaning)" "(Archer chuckling)" "LANA( sighs):" "Areyou laughing at "dicktrap"?" "(Archer laughs loudly)" "ARCHER:" "Uh-huh,but seriously, though, if it comes down to it, please do rescue me." "PAM:" "Okay!" "Sorry!" "I'm walking backwards here." "RON:" "God,you'rekillingme here is what you're doing." "CYRIL:" "Justtrytostay calm ." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Yeah,chill out, Ray got shot in the stomach and he's, like, totally fine." "(snoring)" "(groans)" "(snoring)" "CYRIL:" "Herewe go ,stepping it up!" "Hey-oh!" "(Ron yelling)" "ARCHER:" "Jesus,Ron,man up." "I've been shot... holy shit, 26 times?" "Can't be good for me." "I mean, in gangster movies, they're always like..." ""He got a bad case of lead poisoning, see!"" "But think about it, every bullet's got to leave at least a teeny bit of residual lead in your body, right?" "Shit." "By the time I'm 60, I bet I'll be mad as a goddamn hatter." "(grunts)" "LANA:" "I don'tbelieveit." "He made it." "MALORY:" "Younevergivehim enough credit." "And honestly, not your best trait." "You may want to work on that, since you'll be a mother soon." "Unless... well, I suppose that all depends on what kind of mother you want to be." "ARCHER:" "Uh..." "Konnichiwa?" "Hmm?" "The door-san?" "(man grunts)" "Thanks, Kato!" "(both grunting)" "(Moto yells in Japanese)" "MOTO:" "Yoshi!" "(yells)" "ARCHER:" "I 'msorry,uh ,Yoshi is indisposed." "MOTO:" "You!" "ARCHER:" "Me." "Scrooch!" "MOTO:" "Youmustknow..." "ARCHER:" "Hangon ." "(coughs)" "Oh, God." "Sorry, I don't want to get a dry socket." "MOTO:" "Youmustknowthat even  if you kill me, the Yakuza will never forgive this debt of honor." "They will kill... (yells)" "ARCHER:" "Right?" "That's so bad for your ears." "But I get it, the Bushido code, the whole Japanese thing, I get it, but..." "MOTO:" "Whatdo youknowabout being Japanese?" "ARCHER:" "I guessonlythe  clichés, really." "Karaoke, pachinko, subway frottage..." "MOTO:" "Enough!" "ARCHER:" "Hangon ." "Uh, tentacle porn, uh..." "MOTO:" "Enough!" "ARCHER:" "Hangon !" "Those vending machines that sell used schoolgirl panties." "Okay, done." "Now, here's what I propose." "MOTO:" "Youdaretopropose..." "ARCHER:" "I swearto GodIcan do that all day." "I mean, to me, it sounds like bubble wrap." "MOTO:" "Whatis yourproposal?" "ARCHER:" "I knowtheYakuza will hunt us down forever, but I bet ycan forgive the debt of honor, right?" "MOTO:" "Onlyif bloodhas been shed." "ARCHER:" "Well,my stepfa... my mother's husband is about a quart low-- you shot him." "So I'm thinking you take back all... well, almost all the pills" " Pam ate a bunch, and I'm not gonna lie to you, I had a couple, or six-- plus you keep the counterfeit million." "MOTO:" "But..." "ARCHER:" "Plusif youdon 't," "I'll kill you." "Probably should have led with that." "(Moto grunts)" "MOTO:" "I mustaccept." "But I cannot lose mentsu." "What you call "face."" "My men must think this was my decision." "That you somehow" ""sweetened the deal."" "ARCHER( yawns):" "Well,at this point, the reds are wearing off and the bourbon's kicking in, so, uh, you can pretty much name it." "(Moto grunts)" "(Moto speaking Japanese)" "(Archer laughs)" "ARCHER:" "Thatis so true." "MALORY:" "ThatwasCyril." "Ron's in surgery, but the bullet missed everything, and his prognosis is excellent." "LANA:" "Oh,my God,that's great, so..." "ARCHER:" "Sowin-win!" "MALORY:" "Wha..?" "Win-win?" "ARCHER:" "Ow!" "LANA:" "Malory." "MALORY:" "A gut-shothusband and an idiot son who just gave away $5 million worth of cocaine?" "I call that a lose-lose-lose!" "(sad trombone melody begins)" "(melody abruptly stops)" "(Archer laughing)" "What could possibly be funny?" "ARCHER( laughing):" "Thephone!" "It was Woodhouse's!" "Captioned by" "MediaAccessGroupatWGBH  access.wgbh.org" "MAN:" "Made...in Georgia."