"Is that you, Samuel?" "Yes, yes, my bun." "It's only me." "Is the..." "Is the..." " Is the dinner on the table, dear?" " On the table and off five hours ago." "Don't exaggerate." "It's only the shank of the evening, half past eight." " Now, the time." " Half past eight." " When you hear the gong, it will be exactly..." " 8:30." "Take off your hat." "Where have you been?" "Don't answer." "I know what you're going to say." ""Down at the shop, working on an invention."" " If you was married to Edison..." " You're no Edison, Sam Bisbee." "No, and you're no prophet, Mrs Bisbee." "You might at least have some regard for your daughter's happiness." "My daughter's the happiest girl in the world." "Her silvery laughter rings out from early morn" " till late at night." " Till late at night." " Yeah." " Yes, very late." "But not in her home, it..." "Take those shoes off the table!" "Who was putting them on the table?" "Where is she now?" "What's she doing?" "Who's she with?" " I don't have to worry about my daughter." " You'd better worry." "She wouldn't be out if she wasn't ashamed of her home, of you." " Me?" " Look at you." "Suppose she were entertaining a young man and you came in with your shoes off, suspenders down, and smelling of cheap liquor." "Cheap?" "Four dollars a gallon." "My daughter ashamed of my suspenders?" "There she is now with that Bob Murchison, that no-good..." " What did I tell you?" " I forget." "What?" "Oh, yeah." " Kissing him." " Who?" " Bob Murchison." " Who's kissing him?" "Pauline, our d..." "Well, that's life, dear." "Girls will be girls." "When I was a little boy, I used to kiss little girls." "A rich man's son making a fool of your daughter, and you stand there." "No rich man's son will ever make a fool of Sam Bisbee's daughter." "You might as well get that in your..." " That's..." " Take off that hat!" "Sorry." "There." "There they are, right in my hand." "Good night, Bob." " I know how to solve our problem." " No, no, Bob." " You won't elope with me?" " No." " You won't let me elope with you?" " No." "What's keeping us apart?" "Haven't you heard?" "The railroad tracks." "20 years married to a man like you is enough for any woman." " Oh, give him a rest, Mom." " Say, you little night owl." "What do you mean by staying out till the middle of the n..." " The middle of half past eight." " Who, me?" "Yes, you, running around with that clown." "Never let it be said that..." "You left your gadget on the doorknob." "We think this thing between you and that boy has gone far enough." "He doesn't seem to think so." "He just asked me to marry him." "Marry him?" "Darling!" " Hey, didn't I tell you?" "I knew it all the time." " Oh, shut up!" "He really wants to marry you?" " I'm young and healthy and full of the devil." " Pauline." "My little daughter doesn't have to be in a hurry to marry any man." "Pick and choose, dear." "Liberty is sweet." "Once you're married, it's just like being in jail." "I guess I'll go to bed." "Look out!" "Don't get tangled up again." "I won't get tangled up in nothing." "I'm going upstairs." "It's worse than flypaper." "Might as well have flypaper curtains in the house." "Never should have curtains." " Charlie, I've been thinking about..." " Look out!" "Don't sit down there." "That's another of my inventions." "It's what I call the murder chair." "When a burglar comes in here and says, "Stick 'em up", I get friendly with him." "I invite him to sit down in the chair." "When he sits in the chair, he releases that lever." "The iron ball comes up and smites him upon the sconce, thus, knocking him deader than a doornail." "Don't you boys ever sit in that chair." "Put that down, Doc." "Soon as this tyre's on the market, I'll sell a lot of these." " How's the tyre coming, Sam?" " Coming?" "It's perfected." "Get over there and I'll give you a demonstration." "Get over, Doc." "Now, give that wheel a spin." "Good." "Now, stand clear, boys." "That's a puncture-proof tyre." " Say, that's pretty good." " Pretty good?" "It's perfect." "I've got nothing to worry about now for the rest of my life." " Hello." " Hello." "Do I work fast?" "My mother is calling on your mother this afternoon at four o'clock." "But, Bob, what happened?" "After what you said about my family, I decided to have it out with them." "I know, darling, but why does she have to call on us today?" "What'd you say to her?" "Nothing much." "I merely said I was going to marry Pauline Bisbee." " Oh, you did?" " I did." "And I am." "Mother's very much interested in meeting you." "I'll bet she is." "Well, I'd better go and break the news." "And if you see ten women being carried out kicking and screaming, that'll be my mother." "Goodbye." " Howdy, boys." " Hello, Bill." "Say, Sam, I got a special delivery." "Registered airmail letter here for you." "Sam." "Sam." " What's the matter with him?" " Sound sleeper, that's all." "Hey, Sam!" "Registered letter." "Sign for it." "Sign for me, will you, Doc?" "She didn't work out as well as I thought she would." "Ought to put a heavier ball on there." ""Samuel Bisbee." Et cetera, et cetera." ""Dear sir." "Your letter at hand regarding your Bisbee puncture-proof tyre."" ""If you care to demonstrate your invention to our company,..."" ""...the board will meet you Saturday, June 12 at two o'clock in our main office."" " That's great, Sam." " I guess I finally put one over." " Yes, sir." " Come on." "Help me get this tyre off." " Mrs Bisbee?" "I'm Mrs Murchison." " How do you do?" " Won't you come in?" " Thank you." " So nice of you to call." " I'm sure you understand why I'm here." " My daughter told me you were coming." " It's about your daughter I've come." "I suppose you already know that my son, who's very young and unsophisticated, has been, shall I say, taken in by her?" " Has been what?" " Well, fascinated by her." "Now he even talks of wanting to marry her." "Of course, with his social position, his family and his future..." "The whole affair's absurd, and I've..." "And why is it absurd that your son should want to marry my daughter?" "The women of the Warren family have always been above reproach." " That is history." " The Warren family?" "You don't mean the Warrens of Virginia?" "My grandfather was General Robert Henry Warren of Virginia." " Not really?" " There." "You can see for yourself." "Well, this is a surprise." "Of course, you wouldn't recognise me." "I'm the baby on his lap." "That was taken on the veranda of our old homestead in Warrenton." "Are you sure this album belongs to you?" " Quite sure." " Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes." "Then your daughter Pauline is really a Warren." "Of course, that puts the whole affair in an entirely different light." " You all right, boy?" " Yeah." "Glad you weren't hurt." "That's a puncture-proof tyre." "Couldn't hurt that tyre." "Knock the tree down first." "I still think Robert's too young to marry, and I was afraid some cheap girl of vulgar family..." "You understand." "Oh, delicious, delicious." "Robert tells me your husband is a businessman." "In a manner of speaking." "However, his greatest interest is in his inventions." " May I ask, what does he invent?" " Oh, various things." "For instance, he's been working lately on a tyre." "A tyre?" "An automobile tyre?" "That's been invented already." " A tyre that cannot be punctured." " But that's impossible, surely." "I've never heard of any such tyre." "If there'd been a demand for a puncture-proof tyre, someone would've invented one before." "They've been trying to for 20 years, and here she is." "Mrs Murchison, this is my husband." " Your husband?" " Well, this is a pleasant surprise." "I wanna show you this tyre." "Look at the resiliency in that." " I think I'd better be going." " Won't you take your invention out of here?" "Oh, all right." "I take it Mr Bisbee did not come from Virginia?" "No." "So Abigail's been telling you her family history, eh?" "Well, you ain't seen a thing." "Wait till I show you the Bisbee clan." "We were all Union men." "I don't think Mrs Murchison would be interested in those pictures." "Sure she would." "Real down-to-earth people." "Speak our language." "Now, there's Uncle Dean." "Dean Bisbee, the tiger." "Fight at the drop of a hat, and yet, underneath it all, as tenderhearted as a baby lamb." "Look at those eyes." "Wrong picture." "That was Uncle Jim, the black sheep of the family until he got into politics." "Now he's got a big home up at Passamaquoddy." "That's Aunt Minnie, an angel of mercy if ever there was one, and there was." "Known from California to Maine and back again." "Stayed up all night taking care of the boys, night after night." " I really must be going now." " Wait a minute." "I wanna show you my private art collection." "OK, Abigail?" "Oh!" "Not bad, eh?" "Get the knee action?" " And stands without hitching." " Another relative, I presume?" "No, no." "Just a little girl I met down in the New Hebrides islands." " Hello." " Hello." " What's the news from the front?" " All quiet, up to now." " Shall we take a chance?" " Now or never." " Your naive gaucherie is amazing." " Huh?" " I said your naive gaucherie." " Oh, yes." "Thanks." "Nice of you to mention that." " So this is what my son wants to marry into." " Yes, it is." "I really can't believe it." "The whole affair will be broken up at once." "We shall disinherit Robert sooner than consent to a marriage as impossible as this." "Why, I'll crack her in the eye." " Come, Robert." " Just a moment, Mother." "I'm sure my mother doesn't mean..." "Your mother means everything and more." " You can't talk to Pauline's family like that." " What's happened?" " Tell me." "What is it?" " Your father." " Everything was lovely." "Then he came in." " Me?" "What'd I do?" "They don't understand you, that's all." "I meant every word." "I'm ashamed that my son..." "You've said quite enough." "Please go." "Bob, take your mother and don't come back." " I can explain everything." " Who started all this?" "Robert, have you no pride left?" "Don't you even know when you've been ordered out?" " Pauline." " Goodbye." "You better go, son." "You've caused enough trouble around here." "Well, I guess I told him." " Yes, you certainly fixed that up." " You've got nothing to worry about." "I got a letter from the National Tyre Company here in my pocket." "Well, isn't that just dandy?" "Now I suppose I can marry a balloon tyre." "Well, I've been married to one for 20 years, and a flat one at that." "Now, you two listen to this letter." ""Mr Samuel Bisbee."" ""Dear sir." "Your letter at hand regarding the Bisbee puncture-proof tyre."" ""If you care to demonstrate your..."" "Mr Samuel Bisbee." "Mr Bisbee." "I'm Mr Robins, the president of the company." "Pardon my glove." "Glad to know you, Mr Robins." " Gentlemen, Mr Bisbee." " How do you do?" " Are you ready to show us your invention?" " I'll be with you in half a tick." "What's the idea of the arsenal?" "Target shooting?" " For demonstrating purposes." " What's this?" "That's another of my inventions." "I call it the nose lifter-upper." "Makes breathing easy and prevents snoring." " However, that's not for sale." " And this?" "This makes scrubbing floors a pleasure." "Put one on each foot and use the sponge as a polo ball." " What's this?" " Twins." " That's not for sale at present." " We came here to see a puncture-proof tyre." " Yes." "Did you bring a tyre with you?" " I have four tyres on my car downstairs." "If you follow me, I'll give you a demonstration of a 1,000% puncture-proof tyre." " The Bisbee puncture-proof tyre." " All right." " I don't like his looks." "He's a maniac." " He's harmless." "Pardon me." "Pardon me." "Help me push this heap down the line." " Looks just like an ordinary tyre to me." " Give him a chance." "All right." "Thank you, gentlemen." "Will you please stand back?" "These bullets bounce." "I'm going to show you a real 1,000% puncture-proof tyre." "That's funny." "I'll try the other one." "I told you he was just another fool inventor." "I guess you're right." "You think so, eh?" "Well, I tell you, I've been crossed on those front tyres, but I put the rear tyres on myself." "I'm gonna prove..." "Watch this." "Now, this'll be a different story." " They're a huge success." " A perfect case of deflation." "Callingallcars." "Maniac shooting up cars on Main Street." "That is all." "Hey, what are you doing there?" "Hey!" " Where are you going?" " Where I usually go on Sundays." " Church?" " Yes." "I thought I might go to church myself today." "Mother's going with me." "You know why I'm here." "I can't stay away from you." " I called you all day yesterday." " I know." "I wanted to answer, but..." "Oh, Bob, it's no use." "I've thought it all out." "I'll come by tonight and we'll drive to Stanton and get married." "I have more pride than to marry into a family that... that thinks they're too good for me." "Mother didn't mean that." "She was just annoyed with your dad." "Well, Dad suits me." "I think he has just as good manners as your mother has." "Don't go." " Your dad's all right." " You bet he is." "When he gets back from putting that big deal over, we'll have as much money as you, wait and see." " Are you children quarrelling?" " Morning, Mrs Bisbee." "Good morning, Mr Murchison." "Coming to church, Pauline?" "Yes, Mother." " Pauline." " Goodbye, Bob." "This is final." "Huh!" "There goes Sam Bisbee, drunker than a hoot owl." " Is he a hard drinker?" " Hard?" "It's the easiest thing he does." " Looks like I'm holding you up." " No, I got plenty of time." " Pardon me." " I should have brought a little Vaseline." "By golly, I put over a big deal today." "Will my wife and kids be tickled to death!" "Oh, I beg your pardon." "It was the wind." ""Goodwill tour"." "If they only knew, Rosita." "But you must forget him, Your Highness." " Could you, if you were I?" " Yes, officially." "Confidentially, no." "So I am to forget Michael and marry the crown prince." " But I can't forget Michael." " But you must." "You're right, Rosita." "I must forget him." "Oh, why, you've cut your finger." " One moment, Your Highness." "The iodine." " It's nothing, Rosita." "Nothing serious, but we must take no chances." "I'll call Nicholas." " I bet he's got a woman in there." " I wouldn't be surprised." "There." "What did I tell you?" "I beg your pardon." "Oh." "I beg yours." "I thought this was the gentlemen's drawing account, the washout." " If you don't mind, I think, perhaps..." " I'm going right away." "I beg your pardon." "What's this?" "What are you up to?" "Don't do it, little lady." "It don't pay." "When you wake up in the morning and find yourself dead, it's too late to regret it." " What are you talking about?" " Don't commit suicide." "You're too young." "You're too beautiful." "I got here just in time." " What makes you think that I?" " I was going to do the same thing." " You?" " On this train, not five minutes ago." "Suppose I'd have sent a telegram!" "I'd have had to go through with it." "How terrible." "Awful." "Are you so unhappy?" "Little lady, you think you've got troubles?" "Listen to mine." "I lost my car, I lost my tyres and I lost my patent nose lifter-upper." " Nose lifter-upper?" " Yeah, nose lifter-upper." "The only one in existence." "My own invention." " Poor man." " When I get back to town, everybody'll laugh." "Except my wife." "She won't think it's funny." "She'll murder me." "But can't you explain to her as you explained to me?" "You don't know my wife." "The other night, we had some folks to dinner." "I said, "Abigail, is it OK if I take my vest off?"" "She said, "You don't mind keeping your pants on, do you?"" "Uncalled-for sarcasm." "Yeah." "The Great Commoner, Bryan, almost went through our town one time." " Really?" " Yes." " Crystal Springs." " Thank you." " Has he come out yet?" " No, he's still in there." "I feel sorry for my little daughter." "I depended upon this trip to put her over." " Have you a daughter?" " Yeah, but she's in love with a rich clown." "Clown?" "Son of the Murchison family, the richest people in Crystal Springs." "Oh, I see." "Society." "Yeah." "Mrs Murchison." " Looks like an old Newfoundland dog." " Don't you care for society?" "We don't go in for it." "We live on the other side of the tracks." " You wouldn't understand." " I think I understand." "It's the same in my country, only we call it class distinction." "We still call it railroad tracks." "Here's my little daughter." "It's my wife on the other side." " Ain't she a honey?" " She's lovely." "It's sad to be young and in love and not to marry the loved one." " Don't you think so, Mr?" " Bisbee, but my friends all call me Sam." "All right, Sam." "But your daughter should marry the man she loves." "There must be a way in this country." "Only a fairy princess could put it over now, and there ain't no such thing." "Don't be too sure." "You never can tell when a fairy princess might come to your rescue." "Thanks, thanks, Miss?" "What's your name?" " My friends call me Marie." " Thanks, Marie." "If you ever get down to Crystal Springs, you must stop in to see us." "My wife and daughter would be tickled to death to see you." " Well, I hope I haven't bored you." " Bored me?" "You've saved my life." "Well, thank you." "Thank you." "Goodbye." "Crystal Springs." "Don't forget it." " What time do we get to Crystal Springs?" " Crystal Springs?" "We just passed it." " Why didn't you call it out?" " I did, sir, but you was busy with that lady." "Oh, drat!" " When do we get to the next stop?" " Albion, 40 miles." "Drat!" "Drat!" "Drat!" " You sent for me?" " What engagements have we, Nicholas?" "Tonight, the usual reception by the city officials." " Tomorrow?" " Tomorrow, Your Highness rests." "Excellent." "That fits in perfectly with an idea I have in mind." "I saw Sam Bisbee on the train coming home." "He was drunk and making love to a doll in a compartment." " Did you say anything?" " I was going to tell him:" ""Sam, what would your wife say?" And what do you suppose he did?" "He leered at me, gave me an evil wink and slammed the door in my face." "And they went right on through town." "What do you suppose they did in there then?" "I don't pretend to know, Sarah." "It's entirely out of my line." "Sells his invention in the city for $100,000, and what does he do with all that money?" "Runs off with a notorious Russian dancer." " No!" " Yes." "One of them Romanovs." " What's the excitement about?" " Sam." " Anything happen to him?" " Who'd have thought it?" "Poor Sam." " He ain't in trouble, is he?" " And how." "Here's the way I got the story." "Sam goes on a tear up in the city and picks up a woman, some foreign actress, and he's going across the country with her." "They went through here throwing champagne bottles out the window." " The best of 'em are nothing but beasts." " You can't trust 'em." "Isn't that just like Sam?" "Traipsing around the country with a burlesque queen." "She was on his lap." "He was drinking champagne out of her slipper." "When he sees Mrs Price is watching him, he gets up and slams the door and locks it." " You know who she was?" " I think it's one of them fan dancers." "How do, Mrs Price?" "How dare you speak to a respectable woman!" "What's wrong with her?" "Hello." "Lovely weather we're having." " Hello, dear." "How are you?" " Fine, Mr Bisbee." "How are you?" "I'm fine, thanks." "How's your m..." "Maybe that was it." " Fellows, here's the sheik." " Hello, boys." " How was she, Sam?" " Has she got a friend?" "What's the matter with you guys?" "You all gone nuts?" "I can't understand what's happened." "Everybody shuns me like I have leprosy." " We've been hearing things, Sam." " It was a tough break, that's all." "How did I know I was shooting up a police car?" "Sam, Charlie and me are your friends." "We're with you no matter what, see?" "If ever I needed friends in all my life, I need them today." " Who was she, Sam?" " Who was who?" "That woman you had on the train." "Oh, so that's it, is it?" "Ain't it funny how much trouble a man can get into innocently?" "Come on, Sam." "Tell us who she was." "She was the finest lady I ever met in my life." "Joke's on me, Sam." "Wrong jug." "Try some of this new blended stuff." "It's a funny old world." "A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive." "I never met a princess before." "I never met anything higher than an elk." "Princess Lescaboura, I'm the Mayor of Crystal Springs." " I'm delighted." " Will you step this way, please?" "I'll be all right." "Take care of Rosita." "I present the chairman of our entertainment committee, Mrs Edward Quimby Murchison." "Oh, yes." "I've heard of Mrs Murchison." "Really?" "I'm charmed." " My husband, Mr Murchison." " Delighted." "Maybe you'd like to take a little drive around the city, Your Majesty?" "I must first see the friends I've come to visit in your city." "We shall include them, of course." "You're too kind." "Are you sure you won't mind?" " Princess, how could we?" " Thank you." " Well, well, I don't see him." " Him?" "Who?" "Everyone you might be interested in meeting is here." "I've seen to that." "But I don't see my old friend, Mr Bisbee." " Did she say Bisbee?" " Bisbee?" "There is a Bisbee, but he's not one of our best citizens." "Then it couldn't be the same Bisbee." "I mean Samuel Bisbee." "Surely you don't mean?" "Not Sam Bisbee, Your Highness?" "Yes, Sam Bisbee." "A real hero and one of nature's noblemen." " A hero?" " Sam Bisbee?" "No one will ever know what he did for me in the war." "What did he do for you, if I'm not too inquisitive?" "He saved my life." "Why, Your Royal Princess..." "I mean, Your High Majesty, if we'd known it was Sam Bisbee you was looking for, we'd have had him down here." "Would it be asking too much?" "Would you drive me to his home?" "His home?" "You mean you want to go to his house?" " Yes." " Why, it's a pleasure, Your Majesty." "Thank you." " Where does he live?" " The other side of the railroad tracks." "Gosh all hemlock." "We're sure it's the wrong Bisbee, Your Highness, but if you insist." "All ready, boys?" " What'd you tell her?" " What could I tell her, Sam?" "When your wife phoned, I said you were on the way home." "I thought I was doing you a favour." "If I had enough money to pay your back salary, I'd fire you." " Think I'll do it anyhow." " Why don't you take her a present?" "A little pet of some kind?" "Women are crazy about pets." "They're just crazy." "Pets haven't a thing to do with it." " Look at Charlie." " See what I'm taking home for the old lady?" "It'll take a bigger bird than that to square me with my wife." "Hey, pet man." "Whoa, Myrtle!" "Hang on!" "Myrtle!" " Look at Sam with that funny bird." " The lamppost!" "The lamppost!" "Hang on, Myrt!" "Come on, now." "Come on." "You're OK." "Come here, come here, come here." "Come back here." "Come here." "It's a shame, Your Highness, you came all this way only to find the wrong Bisbee." "Edward!" "Edward!" "Isn't that Bisbee?" " Yes, my dear, that's Bisbee." " Stop him." "Quickly!" "Hi, boys!" "Catch Bisbee there." "We want Bisbee." "Catch him!" "Stop him!" " Come on, Myrt!" "Here." " Mr Bisbee!" "Sam!" " Bisbee!" " Sam!" "Come on up out of there." "Bisbee!" "Bisbee!" "Old Sam, come here!" "Your old friend, the Princess Lescaboura." " Who?" " Hello, Sam." "I'm afraid you girls have the advantage of me." "Surely you remember the girl whose life you saved during the war?" "Oh, Marie." "How are you?" "You're a sight for sore eyes." "Fancy meeting you here." "We're conducting Her Royal Highness to your home." "The Princess Lescaboura." " Oh, you are, eh?" "Well..." " We're on our way to your house." " Come along, Sam." " Yes, do come." "I wouldn't ride in the same carriage with that dame for all the money in the world." "I'll give my place to Mr Bisbee and ride with the mayor." " Thank you so much." "Come along, Sam." " She rolled off my knife." "Here, Murchie, hold the chickadee." "If she starts singing, give her some birdseed." "Well, Marie, here we are again." "I'm surprised you didn't recognise your old friend, the Princess Lescaboura." "Lescaboura." "That's a funny name." "How'd you happen to think that up?" "That princess stuff's a great idea." "Hope we can put it over on the wife." " Must be a fire." " Maybe it's the ambulance." "There she is now." "Duck!" "How do you do, Mrs Bisbee?" "I'm so glad to see you." " Isn't this an honour for our town?" " Honour?" "Why, the Princess Lescaboura." "Have I your permission to present Mrs Bisbee and her daughter Pauline?" "I'm so happy to know you, Mrs Bisbee." "I think you're the luckiest woman in the world." " Is my husband dead?" " Not at all." "And you, the daughter of my dear friend and benefactor, Colonel Bisbee." "Aw, gee, thanks, Princess." "You don't realise what a great thrill this is." "Of course, I don't know what Dad did, but..." "You don't know he saved the princess's life during the war?" "Heroes don't talk much, do they, my dear?" "But in my country, the name Samuel Bisbee is a household word." "Mother!" "Oh, Mother!" "Somebody get some water, quick!" "Won't somebody get some water?" "Look out." "She may be stalling." " There, there, Mother." " How are you feeling now?" "I'm all right." "I'll get your husband." "Colonel!" "Colonel Bisbee!" "Sam?" "Hello, Abigail, dear." "Did you miss me?" "Hello, Samuel." "Your Highness, I know it's an awful lot to ask, but won't you come in?" "I'd be delighted." " Won't you all come in?" " Charmed, I assure you." "A great day for the Bisbee family." "Thank you, Mayor." "You haven't a dram on the hip?" "Colonel, I always have something on the hip." "Mayor, you're OK." "I voted for you last election." "Five times." "Your Highness, please, before you make any other engagements," "I've invited some of our best people to my home to dinner." "I hope you'll enjoy meeting them." "I'm so sorry, but, you see, I..." "I'm dining with the Bisbee family this evening." "Oh, but, Your Highness, I've made all the preparations, engaged the caterers." " How fortunate." "You won't object, will you?" " Object?" "If Mrs Murchison's caterers served the dinner in your home?" "You could invite your friends." "Well, of course, I'd be delighted, if it pleases Your Highness." " It pleases me very much." " And you're all invited." "Isn't she marvellous?" "What an idea!" "I never would have thought of it myself." "I can't tell you how I appreciate it, Mrs Bisbee." " What was that?" "I beg your pardon." " Allowing me to use your home for my party." "Not at all." "It's a pleasure." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." " How do you do, Mrs Bisbee?" " Good evening, Robert." " Thank you, gentlemen." "Thank you." " Well, Samuel?" "Abigail, my dear, the party's a big success." " Don't be so stiff." "Relax, relax." " How can you in this armour?" " Sam, you look marvellous." " Oh, thanks, thanks." " Marie, you're a prince." " Princess." "Princess." " Oh, yeah." "Princess." " Your Highness, won't you come in?" "Your Highness, may I present Mr Robert Murchison?" " How do you do?" " You're Pauline's fiancé, are you not?" "Not yet, Your Highness, but I still have hopes." " Well..." " And this is Mr Phil Cummings." " She's a darling." " She's the finest lady I ever met in my life." "Except you and your mother." " Thanks, Dad." "Don't drink too much tonight." " No, I won't." "That's an idea." " Won't you sit down, Your Highness?" " Certainly." "Come and sit with me." "What a marvellous match they will make." "Take off those spats!" "And come right in here." "I'll have them off in a minute." "I'll be right in." "Say, you boys stick around." "There's going to be turkey and ice cream later." " Samuel!" " Yes, dear." "Yes, dear." "Yes, dear." "Take that junk with you." "Yes, dear." "Coming." "Your Highness, friends, I have a little surprise for you." "It gives me great pleasure to announce the engagement of my son Robert to Miss Pauline Bisbee." "Formal announcements will follow by mail." "Congratulations!" "I'm enjoying it." "Murchie, you're a good scout." "I'm beginning to like you." "If you want a little snort of gin later on, there's some stashed away... in the closet..." "You play golf, of course, Your Graceness?" "I mean, Your High Royalness." "Yes, but very badly, I'm afraid." "How fortunate." "We're opening our new club tomorrow." "I'm going to ball off the first tee." "If you really want to please me, let my dear friend Sam Bisbee open the new course." " Sam Bisbee?" "Sam?" " It would make me very happy." " Anything Your Highness desires." " I'm afraid I can't do it." "I just hurt my foot." " Will you make an announcement?" " Certainly." "Ladies and gentlemen." "I wish to announce the opening of our new course tomorrow afternoon sharp." "Our esteemed friend, Mr Sam Bisbee, will kick off the first tee." " I mean, will knock off the first green." " Shall we all go in to dinner?" "Your Honour." " Delighted." " His Honour has a beautiful bun on." "You know, I have a set of golf clubs." "They were left to me by my grandfather." " He was an inventor, too, you know." " That's fine, Sam." "You'll do all right." "Marie, this princess stuff is working like a million dollars." "Keep it up." "Keep it up." "Ah, fish eggs." "All right, folks." "Step this way." "We're about to start the festivities." "I'm depending a lot upon you." "I was never on a golf course in my life before." "Don't worry." "Neither was I." " I don't like that boy's face." " He's the best caddy in the club." " He don't know from nothing." " Pretend you know." " Talk as though you know all about it." " Well, I'll do the best I can." " This is a happy day, Mrs Bisbee." " I'm really quite worried." " I don't believe he hit a ball in his life." " Don't worry." "He'll try anything once." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Mr Bisbee." "Ladies and gentlemen, as chairman of the greens committee, it gives me great pleasure to announce that Mr Sam Bisbee will knock the first ball off the course." "I thank you for your confidence." "Going to be a great help, that boy." "I haven't played since playing in the Thousand Islands years ago." "Stop that!" "Stand still." "Put the bag down." "Don't." "What are you doing?" "I haven't played since playing in the Thousand Islands." "I used to be in the dressing business there." "In the Thousand Islands, we used to tee off on one island, drive to the other." " How far is it from one island to the other?" " About a mile." "Really?" "You could drive a mile?" "We used to putt a quarter of a mile." "Of course, we had to have the wind behind us." "Little too much whip in that club." "Stand clear, boy, and keep your eye on the ball." "By the way, did you bring a ball with you?" "Wonderful." "Now, stand..." "You don't play golf with these things." "There's a marvellous club." "Bought that club in Europe." "Where's that club I bought in India?" "Let me see that Indian..." "Never mind." " I bought a club in Toronto." " Did you?" "Give me that Canadian club." "This is a very remarkable piece of wood and..." "I told you to hide that and not let anybody see it." "You know I never use tobacco." "That's no good." "Now, stand clear, boy, and keep your eye on the ball." "Ah, just as I thought." "It's warped." " Try this putting niblick." " Putting niblick?" "A putting niblick." "Oh, that's much better." "Ah, that's much better." "Now, stand clear, boy, and keep your eye on the ball." "Stand clear!" "Stop it." "Now, you stand clear and keep your eye on this ball." "Sorry to have lost my temper." "Stand clear." "Quite a breeze." "You stand still, will you?" "Maybe this'll help a bit." "You stand still and keep your eye on this ball." "I never should have had a caddy in the first place." "Go on and hit it, Sam." "They're watching you." "Well, I know, but this chap keeps..." "If I have to choke you to death..." "Awfully sorry to keep losing my temper." "Oh." "Godfrey Daniel!" "It's chocolate custard." "I'm dripping." "I was a fool to ever bring a caddy with me." "Go away." "Go away!" "Look at that thing." "Is that the pie on there?" "Yeah." "Put your foot on that." "Now, stand clear and keep your eye on the ball." "Look at that thing." "It's still going that way." "I was a fool for ever having a caddy." "Hope they can't see this." "When you first suggested the caddy, I was against it." "I wanted to carry the clubs myself." " But, of course, when you..." " Don't get too annoyed." "I'm not annoyed, only..." "I look like..." "I look like a fool out here." "These people, they're..." "You stand clear and keep your eye on this ball." "I think I'll hit it now." "You see?" "There he goes again." "There's your pie." "You stand clear and keep your eye on this ball." "Take that." "I hope you lose your nail." "I really don't." "I'm only fooling, pretending I do, you know." "Hm." "That's strange." "It was around here just a minute ago." " There it is." " Huh?" " There." " Where?" " There." " Huh?" " On the end of your club, Sam." " Oh!" "So it is." "So it is." "What a dunce I feel like." "Oh!" "Stop that, will you?" "Stand clear and keep your eye on this ball!" "Excuse me, please." "Excuse me, please." "Excuse me, please." " Is that Mr Bisbee?" " Yes, Sam Bisbee." "Thanks, thanks." "Stand clear, boy, and keep your eye on the ball." "Mr Bisbee." "Robins, National Tyre Company." " Glad to see you again, Mr Robins." " We found your car, tested your tyres." "I'm prepared to make you a reasonable offer." " How much?" " $20,000." " Is that for your puncture-proof tyre?" " Yes, it is." " Ridiculous." "I'm prepared to offer $50,000." " And who are you?" "Princess Lescaboura, and I want the rights." "I won't haggle." "75,000." " 90,000." " 150,000." " 300,000." " 400,000." " 500,000." " 600,000." "750,000." "I'll give you a million dollars and a royalty on every tyre manufactured." "Sold to the gentleman with the Panama hat." "Here's a cheque for $50,000. $50,000." "Here you are." "You take this cheque." "Take this cheque." "Here." "Sam!" "Goodbye, my bun." " Goodbye, Mr Bisbee." " Goodbye, Mrs Murchison, Murchie." " Goodbye, Sam." " Goodbye, Marie." " I want to thank you for a lot of fun." " The pleasure's mutual." "We certainly put that princess stuff over, didn't we?" "You're telling me." " Goodbye, Sam." " Goodbye, Marie." "Goodbye!" "Don't forget..." "Goodbye." "Don't forget to..." "Don't forget to send me a postcard from Niagara Falls!" "Boys, we're off to the races." "Take that." "Now, if anybody wants me for the next two weeks, I'll be in conference." "Right about face!" "Forward march!" "What a relief." "They've gone." "Charlie, open that bag." "This'll be the first real drink I've had in months."