"When your world is gripped by confusion and terror, there's only one news network you can turn to." "It's definitely the most exciting school shooting in years." "It begs the question... is stealing a child as easy as it seems?" "Accurate." "Play your cards right here... you could become an insufferable, rich asshole." "The violence here shows no signs of stopping, ever." "Hard hitting." "You are lying!" "With over a century of broadcasting experience," "407 channels, nine billion viewers across 811 countries, and cameras watching over 80% of the world's population, the Onion News Network is news without mercy." "These are some of the biggest stories." "We're tracking on our news radar at this hour." "The nation's interns are striking for more experience." "A new report finds two hundred million man hours are lost each year to untangling headphones." "And the supreme court has unveiled new matching jackets." "I'm Brooke Alvarez." "You've just been cleared to enter the "factzone."" "Stay sharp." "You're in the "factzone,"" "the top-rated news show on cable." "We begin tonight with an update on a story we've been following all week..." "Hanna Stevenson, the 16-year-old girl from Detroit accused of stabbing a classmate to death with a screwdriver last month." "At her arraignment this afternoon, Hannah received the harshest possible sentencing from the judge." "She will be tried as a black adult." "Due to the extreme and violent nature of this crime, this court finds it fitting to try the defendant as an African American." "Henceforth, you will be referred to for the jury by the name Wandell Brown." "Once the trial begins next week, all courtroom images of Hannah will depict her as a 300-pound muscular black man, and jury members will be instructed to imagine her as such." "We're going to do our best to make sure that Hannah is treated with the sympathy and sensitivity that she, as a photogenic white girl, deserves." "White girl, deserves." "This is America." "Nobody deserves to be treated as a black man!" "Treated as a black man!" "Now that Hannah has been ruled black, the court has instructed local media to assume she's guilty, and the police have retroactively charged her with assaulting her arresting officer." "Hannah's two dozen character witnesses have been replaced by a single crack addict, who goes by the name of Skaggs." "Hannah's parents are, of course," "Hannah's parents are, of course, planning to appeal the ruling, saying that their daughter should, at most, be tried as a black celebrity or a stunningly beautiful" "Filipino lady." "Every time I hear a story like that, it makes me so glad I'm exempt from the legal system." "All right, let's go now to all right, let's go now to our top story this evening." "The state department has announced that north Korean leader, Kim Jong il, has agreed to suspend his country's nuclear program in exchange for the lead role in the next Batman movie." "For more on this story, let's go now to our senior white house correspondent," "Jane Carmichael." "Jane, what exactly led to this deal?" "Well, Brooke, it's the result of six weeks of high level talks in Geneva that began after Kim Jong il sent secretary of state Clinton several elaborate oil paintings he had made of himself in a Batman outfit." "Oh, a clear signal that he was ready to talk." "Yes, that's right." "But the negotiations were very contentious." "Apparently, at first, Kim said he would only shut down his reactors if he could play every part in the film." "His spokesman conceded that point last week." "Gary Oldman and" "Morgan Freeman shall be allowed to participate in the film so that they may learn the glorious craft of acting from the dear leader." "Now, enjoy this special dance we have created to celebrate dear leader's ascendency to Batman." "Kim also gave up his demand that the movie end with" "Batman fighting a monster named no dong Jim stung." "Hmm." "A kind of lizard creature who grows large and complacent, as he drinks the blood of Gotham city's worker class." "Now, Jane, I understand that" "Kim even agreed to reveal the locations of north Korea's notorious hidden uranium plants." "Yes, that's right." "He finally relented." "But only if Celine Dion was cast as Alfred, and the two could record a song to play over the end credits of the film." "All right." "Well, thank you, Jane." "You know, I have some suits" "I'm not using anymore, if you want them." "Uh, thanks, but I'm fine." "Oh, it never hurts to add a little bit of color." "A little bit of color." "All right, for some expert analysis on this story, let's go now to the" ""factzone's" first responders." "When news happens, they're on the scene with analysis faster than anyone else." "Hello, again, first responders." "Now, this deal with north Korea now, this deal with north Korea represents a huge shift in the bush administration, which refused to even discuss" "Batman with Kim Jong il." "Is this a wrong move?" "Absolutely a wrong move." "I mean, we need to eliminate north Korea as a nuclear threat, yes, but it's not worth meddling with something as beloved as the Batman franchise." "Kim Jong il doesn't have the body of Christian bale or even Val Kilmer." "So, David, you disagree?" "Yes." "I mean, I think it's risky, but it could pay off." "I mean, look how moving" "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was in the off Broadway production of" ""the cherry orchard" last year." "He-he was phenomenal." "Oh, amazing." "Well, so what you're saying, is we shouldn't ignore the possibility that Kim Jong il could be fantastic as Batman." "Exactly." "He has extensive acting experience, and he's done several north Korean superhero films, most recently as the glorious laborer, where he plays a machine shop worker by day and also a machine shop worker by night." "But he still doesn't have the buns to play Batman!" "America wants its Batman to have an ample bottom." "To have an ample bottom." "That's true." "But another concern about this is what do we do if" "Kim Jong il takes the role and begins enriching uranium anyway?" "Begins enriching uranium anyway?" "Well, that's where I think we need to require him to shoot an alternate ending in which Batman is beaten up and then cries like a little baby." "Then, we can use that as leverage against him." "It was a mistake not to do that." "Yeah, I'd say so." "Yeah, I'd say so." "All right, well, you know, as part of the agreement," "Christian bale will actually be taking over Kim Jong ll's be taking over Kim Jong il's duties as leader of north Korea while the film is shooting." "Christian bale is very cruel." "He is hot, but those people have suffered enough." "Absolutely." "Thank you, first responders." "As usual, you make me look attractive by comparison." "The new Batman film is due out next year, with Kim Jong il's suggested title," ""national Batman hero for" ""the betterment of economic" ""self-sufficiency."" "All right, we have an update now on missing Onion News Network reporter Susan Merriweather, who was kidnapped in" "Afghanistan last week." "Her Taliban captors have just released the first video of Susan, and I'm being told tragically that she looks just terrible." ""Factzone's" own Tucker hope has those photos now over at the high definition recon wall." "Tucker." "Thank you very much, Brooke." "Now, we should warn our viewers at home that Susan's kidnappers have not allowed her access to a hair and makeup team, so these images are very disturbing." "Oh, it is just tragic to see her like this." "It is." "Susan, of course, was one of our most attractive reporters." "Right." "And we all remember how radiant she looked during her coverage of the 2004 Tsunami." "Yeah, she made that Tsunami, really." "Yes... unfortunately, not looking her best here, as you can see." "Oh, God, Tucker, what did they do to her hair there?" "Well, I actually consulted with some top salons." "And apparently, Susan has been denied access to volumizing products, which would account for the alarming amounts of flatness you see both here and here." "It is just hard to comprehend how anyone, even a terrorist, could treat a tv personality's hair that way." "It is." "And we all just pray that the terrorists show some mercy." "And, uh, give her a quick powdering before they release more images." "The, uh, the tears and blood are really starting to make her cheeks look shiny." "Her cheeks look shiny." "All right, Tucker." "Thank you so much for that report." "I'm assuming you'll bring us details, as they come in." "Details, as they come in." "Of course, Brooke." "That's all I really live for." "That's all I really live for." "I don't understand why they had to take her instead of one of our hairy, pale, print journalists." "Last week, carmine Washington lost a true hero when firefighter Sam Kelty was tragically killed in was tragically killed in the line of duty, saving the life of Melanie wilkerson." "On the Onion News Network's" ""today now," this morning," "Jim and Tracy interviewed" "Melanie, for the first time, about her dramatic rescue." "About her dramatic rescue." "I'm so thankful to Mr. Kelty for saving me." "Oh, he made such a sacrifice, didn't he?" "Now, obviously, a lot of people are hearing this incredible story and wondering, was it worth it?" "Will Melanie now become as great a person as Sam Kelty was, or would it have been better if she had died in the fire?" "Oh, um... now, Melanie, nothing you've done in your" "15 years of life will justify the death of Sam Kelty." "What are you prepared to do to show that his death was worth it?" "Um... well, you maybe wanna be a hero, Melanie, or-or maybe join the fire department and carry on Sam's work?" "I haven't really been thinking about it." "Hmm... you haven't thought about it." "The doctor said I should focus on getting better." "Have you ever saved a life, Melanie?" "No." "Oh, because some would say, if you don't save at least one other life at some point, it's a net loss." "Where do you plan to be in five years?" "What are your goals?" "I want to go to college." "Hmm." "How will your going to college help fill the void left in the lives of Sam's widow and his children, who are now gonna grow up without a father because of you?" "I-I don't know." "My mom said there must be a reason why God wants me on this earth." "Oh, so it's up to you to figure out what God wants you to do, or you'll be letting down God himself." "Well, Melanie, of course, we can't know yet whether or not your life will measure up to the-the tragic loss of Sam's." "But what we do know, is that" ""today now" has commissioned the building of a 20-foot bronze statue of Sam to be put on your front lawn as a constant reminder of the man who gave his life to save yours." "You're welcome." "You're welcome." "And here in the "factzone,"" "we'll be charting Melanie's every misstep." "Okay, now it's time to find out what you say." "We get hundreds of emails from viewers every day here in the "factzone," but this was one I just couldn't ignore." "Nicole callister wrote, "I" ""was happy to see 'factzone'" ""cover the recent renovation" ""of the alamo, but it was" ""actually built in the 1700s," ""not in 1836 like you said."" ""Not in 1836 like you said."" "Well, I had a team of our best fact checkers dig into this report, and it turns out that Mrs. callister is right." "Not surprising, since she's a history teacher in" "Ventura, California." "Ventura, California." "Not the most popular history teacher, it would seem." "Our reporters talked to a few of her students yesterday, who described" "Mrs. callister as boring, super annoying, and on a common criticism, ugly." "We do, however, admire your persistence in tracking down our error, Mrs. callister." "Glad you were able to fit us into your active social calendar, which our computer experts found is comprised mainly of looking at recipes online or working on" "Jigsaw puzzles, alone in your kitchen, while your husband, Peter callister, says he's at the office but is actually in a red roof inn in pierpont bay, having an affair with a woman he met" "on Craig's list." "Of course, we both know that your fixation on the alamo really stems from the fact that you once visited the attraction with your mentally handicapped son," "Arthur, who it's clear now will never grow up to be an architect, as you once naively hoped." "Naively hoped." "If you have a compliment or criticism for us, as always, we encourage you to contact us on our website." "Us on our website." "All right, time for a quick break now." "But we are tracking a lot more stories here in the "factzone," including that big scandal over French president Nicolas sarkozy dry humping his wife on the floor of the u.N." "Stay with us." "I just don't see why it was a problem." "You're back in" ""the factzone."" "We have an incoming news blast for you now on kidnapped reporter" "Susan merriweather." "The Onion News Network has air lifted a team of hair and makeup artist to the kandahar region of" "Afghanistan, where the al-qaida terrorists are thought to be holding Susan." "They're about to be parachuted into the mountains below, where we hope they will also be kidnapped by the terrorists by the terrorists so that they can provide the styling expertise Susan so desperately needs." "Such an important assignment." "Our thoughts, of course, are with them." "Now, let's turn to Tucker at the touch screen with our daily briefing." "Our daily briefing." "Hey, Brooke." "Hey, Tucker." "You just came back from the touch screen correspondent awards where you took second place, correct?" "Oh, thank you so much, Brooke." "It was an honor to be nominated." "Well, you will always be number one around here," "Tucker, at least when it comes to the touch screen stuff." "Comes to the touch screen stuff." "Wow, thank you so much." "It's an honor just to be here at... all right, Tucker." "Okay, let's start off in" "Washington, where deputy fda commissioner Steve hoyer made an announcement today urging" "Americans to quote "just eat" ""a goddamn vegetable once" ""in a while."" ""In a while."" "You just but a bag of" "Carrots, and you eat 'em the way you'd normally eat a package of hot dogs, okay?" "If you usually stand in front of an opened fridge door, shoving 'em in your fat face, cold, well, then just do that with a carrot." "It's that Simple." "Jesus Christ." "Jesus Christ." "According to aides, hoyer is hoping to build on recent initiatives, including the "maybe don't melt cheese" ""over every meal?" Project and" ""breathe "between bites." ""What are you, a pack" ""of animals?" Program." "Now, over to California, where state officials are now requiring sex offenders now requiring sex offenders to wear lightly tinted eyeglasses and cutoff denim shorts whenever in public." "California senator" "Diane finestein, uh, applauded the new measure, saying, quote," ""now anyone who encounters" ""now anyone who encounters" ""one of these individuals can" ""immediately tell he's" ""a pervert and take" ""appropriate action."" "However, the law has sparked outrage among sex offenders, who gathered outside the California capitol building this morning in protest." "This morning in protest." "Well, there's nothing inherently wrong with wearing a snappy pair of" "Jean shorts, but being told that you have to wear 'em, that's unconstitutional." "Couldn't they have made the tank top a half mesh shirt?" "The tank top a half mesh shirt?" "Some states are taking the bill further, requiring sex offenders to grow a wispy moustache, wear white high top sneakers, and if balding, grow their hair to shoulder length." "And some exciting news for vice president Joe biden fans..." "CBS has announced that the long defunct Joe biden band will reunite to play this year's Superbowl this year's Superbowl halftime show." "The vice president's band, which he describes as psychedelic rock meets surf, dissolved over creative differences shortly after releasing the 1982 album" ""pb, and Joe."" "But biden and guitarist" "Avery hanson have agreed to rejoin to perform such classics as "the girl in" ""the coconut bikini" and" ""having a moon party" for the Superbowl crowd." "Sounds like a lot of fun for all you biden heads out there." "Brooke." "Brooke." "Thanks, Tucker." "You bet." "I never listen to much popular music myself, just opera and disaster movie soundtracks." "All right, now, let's turn to some political news." "A new poll shows Sarah Palin's presidential prospects are being bolstered by the public's morbid curiosity about a Palin white house." "In an Onion News Network survey, 62% of Americans said that even though they don't support Sarah Palin's politics, they would consider voting for her out of a perverse desire to see what would happen, if she" "were the president." "Joining us now is Onion News" "Network political alyst" "Jason copeland." "Jason copeland." "So, Jason, are Americans really sickly fascinated enough to propel Sarah Palin into the white house?" "Well, it's-it's looking possible, right now, Brooke." "In one sampling, 2,000 lifelong democrats were asked, "what's the worst that" ""could happen, if Sarah "Palin were elected president?" ""Don't you kinda wanna find out?"" "And more than 80% of them responded, "God, I'm so" ""sorry, but yes."" "Yeah, they can't help themselves." "Exactly." "The respondents said they also simply needed to know who Palin would put into the supreme court, and top guesses there included, uh, fox news personality greta van susteren, cowboy actor Sam elliott and, uh, wasilla, Alaska auto" "mechanic Gary, uh, no last name." "Well, Oprah winfrey actually got the bug, as well." "Last week on her show, she endorsed Palin." "And then changed her mind, saying it wasn't worth the cost." "Yeah." "But then changed it back, again, saying, ah, you only live once." "Yeah, that was some interesting television." "Yeah." "Right." "She was so exhilarated by that." "Of course, the republican leaders have already begun to generate campaign materials for the expected" "Palin 2012 run." "And, uh, just today, uh, senator Mitch McConnell of" "Kentucky made a statement." "He said, uh, "having Palin" ""in office would be like" ""a four year long whitewater" ""rafting trip." ""It might kill us." ""But if it doesn't, we'll end" ""up with a lot of crazy ass" ""photos," so... any response from the, uh," "Palin team in all this?" "Uh, yes." "Actually, uh, just today, uh, the Onion News Network approached her camp and asked her about her plans for office." "And they didn't give us a statement, but they did give us a, uh, choose yr own adventure book that they've created." "Uh, you can see in there that, uh, she could annex Mexico." "Uh, change the drinking age to 14." "And create a federal mandate for all Americans to learn to skin animals." "It's a pretty fun read." "Well, I've never personally been a fan of other powerful women, but I'll be watching." "Thank you, Jason." "Thanks, Brooke." "Reminds me of when" "Lindsey Graham was elected just because everyone in" "South Carolina thought it would be hilarious." "Now, regular "factzone"" "now, regular "factzone"" "viewers know that we sometimes like to take a break from the hard-hitting headlines and bring you a snapshot of American life." "So, let's turn now to onion local affiliate w.O.N.N." "Five from pennington, Illinois for tonight's" ""eye on the nation."" "Now, you've probably heard the talk." "Apparently, a perfectly good tire is just sitting there behind the kroger." "That's right, Diane." "The tire, which isn't flat or anything, was first spotted by kroger deli manager" "Calvin etridge." "I-I came out for my smoke break, and there was this tire just sittin' there." "Looks almost new." "I mean, hell, I-I'd take it myself, but I got a silverado, and-and those need the 17-inch." "Experts like the mechanic who rents a room from" "Calvin's mother were brought in to confirm the tire's quality." "That's a good tire." "Tire like that, at least 60 bucks." "Kroger security camera footage confirms that the tire had been sitting there for at least a day, which raises more questions than answers." "I don't know who left that tire there." "Once, someone left a rake, but they came back and got it." "Several people have made attempts to find the tire a home." "I called my nephew about the tire." "He's a bank manager at fairpoint." "But I'm just concerned that someone's gonna pick it up before he can get here." "Now-now, I can't..." "I don't dare." "My doctor would kill me, if" "I lifted that thing myself." "I got a bad back." "Mayor sue hallinan even weighed in on the tire issue, speaking to reporters earlier today." "We all know the tire situation is extremely delicate." "Whoever snatches that thing up first, we all know somebody else is gonna come forward and say it's their tire." "Remember what happened when" "Mr. Davis put that couch out on the curb and then tried to take it back once he saw" "Toby already loading it onto his truck?" "As of this hour, no one has claimed the tire." "I repeat... the tire is still sitting out behind the kroger." "What do you think, Diane?" "You gonna go after that tire?" "You know it." "You know it." "Always nice to see what's going on out in the hinterland." "All right, now some very sad breaking news coming out of Detroit." "Hannah Stevenson, the 16-year-old girl being tried as a black adult, has reportedly been the victim of a hate crime." "Witnesses at the scene are saying that Hannah was walking down the steps at the courthouse when a pickup truck bearing a large confederate flag pulled up." "Someone in the truck shouted, quote, "this is" ""what happens when you kill" ""a white girl," and proceeded to shoot her three times before speeding away." "Hannah was pronounced dead at the scene." "Very sad news, especially considering police rarely spend time investigating the death of a black man like Hannah." "Like Hannah." "All right, now we have to all right, now we have to take a quick break." "But let's play you out with a bit of the Joe biden band's hit song" ""sister-in-law" in a 1971 live performance in San Francisco." "Performance in San Francisco." "We'll be right back." "Sister-in-law I want you in my life sister-in-law why you gotta go and break my heart" "Retinal scan complete." "You're back in the "factzone."" "We have an update now coming to us from Hollywood, where yet another time traveling soldier from the year 2075 has been arrested for harassing celebrity child suri cruise, this time while the famous four-year-old was shopping with her mom," "Katie Holmes, in downtown L.A." "Witnesses report the man emerged from a strange blue portal and ran toward the child." "It was crazy." "He was yelling "suri cruise" ""must be stopped." ""Suri cruise must be stopped."" "He was a total whack job." "Who talks to an innocent little girl like that?" "Thankfully, the 22nd century interloper was quickly tackled by cruise family bodyguards and handed over to police, leaving mom and daughter to continue their shopping trip." "This is your only hope!" "This is your only hope!" "Stop the drag queen!" "The future of the human race depends on it!" "For the "star fix," let's welcome Madison daly, who's been covering this story all month." "Hello, Brooke." "Nice to see you." "I understand this is the fifth time that these time travelers have come after suri." "This can't be easy for the cruise family." "No, and it's a shame, really." "Tom and Katie have tried to keep little suri out of the spotlight, but it's hard to do with all these soldiers from the future insisting they need to, quote," ""alter the timeline."" "Well, I can certainly verify that anyone in the public eye is gonna attract a few crazies." "But to harass a child?" "Right, and these guys from the future really are obsessed with her." "Police even found several photos of suri among the time travelers' possessions." "Yeah, well, thank you so much, Madison, for your version of expertise." "That's a... that's a... tom cruise released a statement this morning about this latest scuffle." "About this latest scuffle." "He said..." "All right, now Tucker is at the recon wall with another history lesson for us." "Tucker." "Thank you so much, Brooke." "It was on this day, 60 years ago, that the hand job was first invented." "A research team led by" "Dr. Fred gilgoff developed the revolutionary two-person masturbation technique after months of experimentation." "Last September, in his final interview before his death," "Dr. gilgoff recalled the hand job's long path to success." "At first, we thought it would work, if-if the woman just held onto it." "Then, we tried having the man wiggle his body, but that-that-that didn't work, either." "Finally, the answer appeared." "Yes, rubbing the shaft up and down like the blue blazes." "It was so elegant and simple." "Inventors who followed in gilgoff's footsteps continue to sing the praises of the man who started it all." "Well, what can I say about gilgoff?" "He's the master." "If no one had never invented the hand job, there wouldn't be blow jobs, rim jobs, or any other jobs." "Or any other jobs." "Gilgoff may be gone, but his hand job will live on forever." "Brooke." "Brooke." "Thanks, Tucker." "I always love learning about history." "Makes me think about how" "I'll be remembered by future generations as one of the greatest news anchors of all time." "We've gotta take a short break now." "But before we do, let's find but before we do, let's find out what you say about one of ourtories today." "A lot of feedback is coming in from fans excited about vice president Joe biden's band playing the Superbowl." "Jennifer h." "Said..." "And Thomas f." "From" "Dallas wrote..." "And one last one from Joey b." "In Washington dc..." "Wow, it's great to see that they still have so many fans." "Okay, we'll be back in a few minutes." "Hold your eight by ten glossy brook Alvarez photo in front of your face till then." "Put your hands up and spread your legs." "You're reentering the "factzone."" "I'm Brooke Alvarez." "Tucker hope has an update for us now on kidnapped" "Onion News Network reporter" "Susan merriweather." "That's right, Brooke." "The terrorists are actually streaming a live video from the terrorist compound, right now, and you can see that Susan's stylists have been abducted safely and are with her now." "And are with her now." "Oh, my gosh." "The camera just loves her." "I know... that's the Susan we remember, right?" "Definitely." "Stunning." "Oh, Tucker, I'm so glad this turned out so well." "It could've been a very tragic situation." "It's a real miracle." "And, of course, real kudos go out to those stylists, who we can see in this freeze frame, right here." "Mmm-hmm." "Yeah." "Well, they are the real heroes." "They are." "Yeah." "Thank you so much, Tucker." "You b." "You b." "Well, right now, it's time for the cressbeckler stance." "Joad, I hear you have a message for president Obama on tonight's show." "Oh, yes, ma'am!" "His irs has a boy send me a letter." "Says I owe him 1,700 yankee dollars." "Well, I says this black president would poach muskrats with Jay laveer sooner than lower taxes." "We're fixin' for David frum to be here and jaw about it." "Yeah, and that's all for the "factzone."" "But the Onion News Network is always with you, even when you think you're alone." "Good night."