"The Dukes are coming in for another landing." "CouIdn't keep away from me, gorgeous?" "Young lady, you are in a peck of trouble." "I've got cIaustrophobia." "Is that catching, Sheriff?" "These people are crazy!" "I hope you weren't too inconvenienced, ma'am." "Coming at you." "There ain't no place where one little thing can lead to a multiple catastrophe... like it can in Hazzard County." "Who was that guy?" "It don't make no difference." "Teach him some manners." "AII right." "well, that's showing him, Bo." "You know, I knew you were gonna say that." "I'm telling you, I got a cIose-up look at it, and it's the same car." "So I suppose you're gonna tell me he's in here, right?" "Now, you start with a little bumping on a Hazzard County road... then go to the Boars Nest... add a stranger or two who look like they're up to no good... and a lot of spice... mix in a little sugar, and watch out." "What did he look like?" "He looked mean." "And ugly." "That covers just about everybody in here." "Except me." "well, I'd know him if I saw him again." "Good luck." "Y'aII going to the Costume clog Dance Party tomorrow night?" "Daisy, we ain't got time for that." "We got a race." "It's the biggest dance all year." "It's the only dance all year." "Wait till you see what I'm wearing:" "short and fantastic." "I'm going as a circus bareback rider." "Hey, baby, I'd Iike to be your horse." "Okay, sugar." "As soon as I find the front end." "Ain't that him?" "I don't take no dirt from a barmaid." "That's him." "AII right." "Hush!" "Now, she's the one who started this whole thing." "Now, you see what you've done?" "You're under arrest for grabbing at her... and you two are under arrest for swinging first." "Enos, read them their rights." "What?" "You dumb dipstick, you soaked me" "One:" "Y'aII have the right to remain silent." "Enos, they'II be out on bail before you finish with that." "Just arrest them." "Get them out of here." "Step one, stanley." "$180, $190... $200." "Besides being the county commissioner, Boss Hogg is also the justice of the peace." "That's kind of like having a goat guard the cabbage patch." "Sorry you made bail for them boys." "Seeing a Duke behind bars is my favorite form of entertainment." "Mine, too." "well, good morning." "I want to thank you boys." "Thank us?" "For making my sunset years so stimulating." "Now, you take this morning, for instance." "I got up and was going over... to pay Jason Higgins my $200 mortgage payment." "But, Io and behold, instead of making my mortgage payment..." "I find myself in here, paying your ball!" "Want to guess how much?" "$200?" "Now we got to go to the bank, take out what we've got left..." "and make that payment." "Come on." "Now, don't you Dukes leave the country before trial." "hold on up there!" "Ain't nobody going nowhere." "Who's that?" "That's Doc Petticord." "He's down there with that colt fellow." "That's the guy that these two boys beat the pudding out of." "Rosco, I want you to make sure nobody leaves here." "What're you doing here, Doc?" "Tending the sick, Jesse." "What the hell else do I do?" "Come on, Doc, I didn't hit him that hard." "Now, listen." "Everybody listen good." "I don't want to start a panic." "But this sure looks like some kind of plague." "plague?" "until I know more, as county health officer..." "I'm declaring this jail and everybody in it quarantined." "Quarantined?" "I'm just a lovable old country doctor." "I ain't had me a good epidemic since the hog cholera of '43... and that was mostly pigs." "This sure looks like pneumonic or bubonic plague." "If I don't get that mortgage payment to Jason Higgins before midnight... we lose it." "And to think, this all got started... because this jackass wanted to be a horse for Daisy." "Step two, stanley." "What do you reckon them two are up to?" "Anyway, a little later...." "Rosco, I can't stand this anymore:" "you working out of my office." "Besides, I gotta find me a decent place to sleep... in this pigsty you call a jail." "These accommodations stink!" "Boss, they're supposed to stink." "See, this is a jail." "We work at that." "Rosco, I wish, I just wish... you would use your head for something other... than a handy place to hang your teeth." "Listen, there's two cells downstairs... but that sick guy's in one and the Dukes are in the other." "well, then, I'II sleep up here." "I ain't sleeping downstairs with the criminal element." "Where you gonna sleep up here?" "How about there?" "You mean this old cell?" "They haven't used that for 75 years." "This is where they used to put the guy just before they hang him." "Sounds perfect for you, Boss." "Don't give me sass, Duke boy." "I'm feeling testy." "Luke, what are you doing?" "I'm calling Daisy." "Listen, don't use that but once." "You're only supposed to use it once when you're in jail." "Rosco, we ain't prisoners." "You will be if you use that phone again." "Boss, see, what we use this cell for... is just for supplies and for Enos' comics." "AII right, I'II take it!" "Just move that junk out and put my other barber chair in there." "Boss, you gonna sleep in your barber chair?" "I been sleeping in it half the time since I married your fat sister." "Leastways that chair don't roll over on me in the middle of the night." "But, Luke, I've got to change." "I just got fitted for my costume." "Now, is Uncle Jesse" "He's fine." "Look, nobody else is sick." "Now don't panic." "Get that mortgage money to Jason Higgins before midnight." "You just take care of uncle Jesse, and I'm on my way to the bank right now." "AII right?" "Well, hurry." "Okay, all right!" "Now, anybody that knows anything about Hazzard County... knows that it just ain't gonna be that easy." "Here." "Thank you." "Bo tells me you think something's up." "It's that colt." "Something peculiar is going on there." "His fever's down... and if the doc hadn't looked at him, I'd swear he's faking being unconscious." "Why would anybody fake the plague just to stay in jail?" "Beats me." "It's gonna take some cogitating." "One thing's sure, it ain't the coffee." "You can say that again." "What are we gonna do about food?" "Cooter volunteered to bring it in." "No wonder." "A plague would dry up and die on Cooter." "There she is, Mr. Hogg." "Ready to move right in." "Good work, Enos." "Thank you, sir." "Enos." "Yes, sir?" "Did you lock that door?" "Yes." "That must be out of force of habit." "I'm sorry, Mr. Hogg." "unlock the door, son." "Yes, sir." "It's stuck." "Stuck?" "Rosco!" "Get in here!" "What can I do for you, Boss?" "Your pea-brained ninny of a deputy locked me in!" "He did?" "unlock the door, Enos." "Yes, sir, but it won't unlock." "well, then, get out of the way and let me do it." "You dumb dipstick." "It's a little rusty." "It's just old, and I don't...." "That it?" "No, not exactly." "You see, that's the key, but it needs that little piece up here...." "Rosco, I've got cIaustrophobia." "Is that catching, Sheriff?" "You two ain't got the combined intelligence of a pot of turnips." "I know it." "And get them Dukes downstairs!" "I'II get them right away." "Get him out of here." "Okay, I ain't gonna tell you but one time." "Downstairs." "Let's humor him, boys." "It's his jail." "AII right." ""AII hope abandon, ye who enter here."" "Where'd you come up with that bit of sunshine, Rosco?" "My sweet mama does needlepoint." "Gives a sort of a homey touch, don't you think?" "As I recall, that's supposed to be the sign over the gates of hell." "Very appropriate." "That's from Dante's Inferno." "Ain't it?" "From my mama." "Hush!" "would you look at that?" "hello, gorgeous." "I'm just a lonely stranger in town." "So, why don't you show me the sights..." "starting with you." "Have you seen our jail?" "It's a sight." "So long, gorgeous." "That was very sick, stanley." "We're working." "Let's go." "Hey, Rose ellen, y'aII been busy?" "The mill payday." "We sure missed you in church Sunday, Daisy." "Are you singing this week?" "Now." "$200." "AII right, everybody!" "Everybody do exactly as you're told, and nobody will be hurt." "So, hands above your head." "Thank you." "Come on, now." "Where is yours?" "Thank you." "hello, gorgeous." "Let's go." "Everybody in the back room." "Let's go." "Come on." "Let's go." "Hurry." "No, don't lock us up in there." "No!" "Everybody, Iet's go." "Move it!" "Nothing will happen." "I don't like it in there." "It makes me wheeze." "Come on." "What happened to gorgeous?" "Can't you even forget women long enough to rob a bank?" "will you come on?" "Anybody spots us, start shooting." "Did you get them?" "Hang on, Daisy." "You got them now." "Possum on a gum bush!" "Nope." "It's Daisy on an RV." "Just stay loose, goose, I'm coming." "I think we have company." "Yeah." "Can't you shake him?" "I'm trying to, stanley." "Hang on, Daisy." "Why don't you pop him?" "AII right, I'II pop him." "Hang on, Daisy." "While Daisy was playing gangbusters... old Bo and Luke were puttering around, looking for something to do." "Here, Boss." "I brought you a little coffee for your nerves." "Rosco, what am I supposed to do if I have to get out of here?" "You know, have to." "Got it, Sheriff." "Hazzard County Sheriff." "For you, Sheriff." "Rose ellen at the bank." "Let me have it." "Here." "Rose ellen, I told you not to call me here at work." "You cute little rascal, you." "The bank was robbed?" "My bank?" "By laurel and Hardy?" "Find out how much money they got." "Was anybody hurt?" "Go get Jesse." "Yeah." "Nobody was hurt." "How much did they get?" "Did anybody see the vehicle that they got away in?" "What about Daisy?" "Don't know, but nobody was hurt." "That must mean she's okay then." "Rosco, how much did they get?" "Enos, take this down." ""The bank robbers..." ""drove away in one of those big RV campers."" "only in Hazzard." "I'II be right there." "No, I can't come." "I'm in quarantine." "well, just tell them to sit tight." "Rosco, for the Iast time, how much money did they get?" "Two bagfuIs." "That's not a very accurate count." "You might say that." "This is Sheriff Rosco CoItrane calling all deputies." "CoItrane calling all deputies." "Come on." "Sheriff, all the deputies are quarantined in here." "Hazzard County Sheriff." "Hey, Cooter." "Cooter just chased an RV camper with Daisy hanging on top." "Let me have it." "How long ago was that, and which way did they go?" "About 30 minutes." "Heading north?" "I'm sorry, Jesse." "I'II tell you something, boys." "One thing about a crisis:" "You sure learn what ain't important." "With Daisy in this trouble..." "losing that farm don't amount to a hill of beans." "uncle Jesse, what if the plague ain't for real?" "That's a big if, Bo." "And a whole passel of coincidences if it is." "What do you mean?" "Look, a guy picks a fight, gets thrown in jail... he gets sick, gets himself and the police quarantined... on the same day a bank is robbed." "And on the mill's payday." "Look, uncle Jesse, you yourself said that he might be faking some." "Which could tie him in with them bank robbers." "If that's true... it's gonna take a Iot of tall shucking to outsmart them fellas." "They're good." "AII right." "I'II have Rosco call Doc... and see if he can take another look at colt." "We ought to figure out an escape plan, just in case." "There will be no escape until we're sure this plague is phony." "And while you two are at it... figure out how we're gonna find Daisy, when nobody else can." "Funniest people in the world." "You think you can tear yourself away and give me a hand?" "I'm the boss, stanley." "AII right already with the stanley bit." "My name is Irving." "Humor me." "Next job, you'II be Abbott and I'II be CosteIIo." "unload the RV." "unload?" "I just locked it." "How come we gotta unload it now?" "Because we're going to sink it in the lake, stanley." "That's Irving." "And we're not doing that till tomorrow, when colt gets here." "Nothing like being ready." "I'm still very peeved at you, stanley." "talking to that beautiful girl in the bank was tres stupido." "I had to pick a part-time sex maniac for a partner." "Tacky, stanley." "Lay out the money, and I'II count it." "Now to get to that CB and call for help... all Daisy's got to do is climb down... break in without being shot or worse." "So what's the problem?" "She's a Duke." "That's the problem." "And I think she's got a long way to go." "Boss, I was just downstairs, talking to old Jesse." "He thinks maybe that plague is fake." "So I'II call Dr. Petticord." "Rosco." "What?" "You ain't gonna call nobody." "Boss, now, Iisten" "No, you listen." "I just figured this whole thing out." "Now, tell me." "Why is that fellow colt in jail in the first place?" "Because he was fighting with Bo and Luke Duke." "Pretended to." "And who is off with them bank robbers right now?" "Daisy." "You see, pea brain, the Dukes are in on it." "Now, Iet me ask you something." "Why would old Jesse jeopardize the farm?" "Because he ain't in on it." "Them Duke boys didn't know their scheme would clash with Jesse's mortgage." "So they got caught in their own trap." "And you ain't calling Doc... because you got three of the robbers in jail right now." "colt and Bo and Luke Duke." "But, Boss, what happens if that plague is real?" "Then, we just sit tight... and Jesse loses the farm either way." "Boss, why should do you care?" "Higgins owns the mortgage on that farm." "No, he don't." "I bought all Jason's holdings last week." "By midnight tonight, that farm will be mine." "Yours?" "I'm gonna burn it down, plow it up... and have me a real nice junkyard." "I Iove it." "Rosco, get me out of here." "I'm going crazy." "CouIdn't keep away from me, gorgeous?" "Let go!" "Let go of me!" "Oh, no." "You're going with me." "Let go of me!" "You're going right with me." "Let go!" "You're going right with me." "Young lady, you are in a peck of trouble." "Do y'all realize that this whole mess got started... by two cars just bumping into each other?" "Like I said... y'all realize that this whole mess got started... by two cars bumping into each other?" "While Luke was doing a little sabotage for the breakout... by doing some repairs..." "Bo was diverting everybody's attention with Jesse's old card tricks." "And that boy had a tough audience." "AII right, I'II show you one card trick." "I want you to pick a card." "I don't believe in gambling, Bo." "Enos, it's not gambling." "will you pick a card, or we'II be here all day." "You got it?" "Yep." "Two of hearts." "Enos, you're not supposed to tell him the card." "Dipstick." "AII right, Enos, Iet's try it one more time, okay?" "Oh, no." "This time, don't tell me what it is." "Don't tell him." "Now, pick a card." "You got it?" "Yeah." "Okay." "Can I ask a question?" "Sure." "The little black three-Ieaf clover, is that clubs or spades?" "Enos, don't help him any more than you have to." "Give me that, Enos." "Let's see it." "We're gonna try again, all right?" "That's your card, ain't it?" "I'II be ding-danged." "You know how he did that, Sheriff?" "Magic." "Downstairs, Jesse was trying to trick Colt to see if the plague was phony." "That was smart." "real smart." "You getting the Iaw all quarantined... while the rest of them hit the bank." "That was good." "real good." "Except you made one mistake." "You picked Hazzard County... where the only law is Boss Hogg and Rosco." "So, me and my boys is going to make a run for it." "We invite you to come along." "If I know Rosco, and I do... your partners are gonna have all that money split and spent... by the time he turns you loose." "Did you fix up the squeaky wheels on my chair?" "Sure did." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "It's all planned." "Getaway car, everything." "Seems a shame." "Big-time pro like you, rotting away in a hick town jail." "You all set?" "Yeah, we're all ready." "I hope Cooter got that message I smuggled out with the lunch." "I hope he can read." "Now, listen." "I think I may have struck out with colt... so if he don't go, we don't go." "You understand?" "Sure hope this works." "JaiIbreak!" "Where?" "JaiIbreak!" "Enos, Iet me out of here." "This door's stuck." "Come here, you pigskin, open the door." "I'm trying." "Rosco, get in here!" "Let's get out of here!" "They're getting away." "Don't touch me." "Get them." "old Cooter got the message." "He even put it back together for us." "If we hadn't made a cute remark to her while robbing... we wouldn't have this mess!" "How would I know she'd get so turned on she'd follow me?" "Oh, no." "That's not how it was, sugar." "Do you mind if I sit down while y'aII fuss?" "These new shoes I bought for the costume cotiIIion are killing me." "Y'aII going to the cotillion?" "You know, the way you two dress when you rob banks..." "I bet you'II take first prize." "The costume bit is his idea." "The last bank job, he was DracuIa and I was WoIfman." "Yes, and you were terrible." "Now, get a rope and tie her up." "I figured we'd hear a Iot more traffic on the police radio." "Don't worry, we will." "Look, Cooter even packed us a lunch." "Lunch?" "Great." "I'm starved." "I hope y'aII ain't planning on stopping for lunch." "This is Hazzard Sheriff Rosco Coltrane." "All units, report in." "AII units." "What units?" "This is Choctaw Sheriff Emitt Ragsdale, with all units reporting." "Sheriff RagsdaIe from Choctaw County?" "With two more cars, he'd invade Russia." "Wow, that many?" "No, that mean." "hold on, listen up." "This is Sheriff Rosco CoItrane calling Hammerhand." "Over." "This is Choctaw Sheriff Emitt RagsdaIe." "You will use correct radio procedure on police business." "Over." "I'm sorry about that, Hammerhead...." "Hand." "Listen, did you or your boys spot any of the fugitives?" "Over." "Negative." "We have all primaries blocked with roving patrols on secondaries." "Good." "Whatever that means." "Listen, Hammer, Sheriff, we're gonna move north and join you." "I want you to be real careful, because those fugitives are tough." "So are we." "Out." "The Choctaw and Hazzard sheriffs together?" "Don't forget the FBI and the state patrol." "What are they after us for?" "Bank robbery is a federal rap, man." "welcome to the big time, boys." "Now, wait a minute." "We didn't rob no bank." "tell that to the judge, after they get you there." "And every road blocked." "I guess we only got one choice." "Go for it." "Chains?" "I couldn't find any rope." "No way." "You flake." "Get her, stanley." "You all right back there?" "That looked like old Hammerhand." "You better step on it, he's after us." "helicopters." "Gonna need helicopters." "It looks like Rosco's gonna give us a hand." "What kind of untrained...." "CoItrane, your driving is substandard." "I didn't turn over." "Do you reckon we ought to help him?" "will you hush?" "He ain't hurt." "Turn off the lights." "Yes, sir." "Make sure you tie her well, stanley." "You win, gorgeous." "No chains." "Just fishing line." "Thanks." "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers, stanley." "The name is Irving." "What do we do now?" "We're gonna sit tight till dark." "That way our chances will be better." "Then what?" "Shoot, we reckoned you were going to tell us." "Look, we're neck-deep in this thing already." "We was thinking maybe we could throw in with you and your partners." "Oh, yeah?" "Luke and me, we're both great wheel men." "wheel men?" "Breaking out of jail ought to prove we can handle ourselves." "Come on, how about it?" "tell you what I'm going to do." "I'm gonna take you to the boss and let him decide." "deal." "You gotta tell me one thing." "How did you fake the plague?" "Now that was simple." "I'm allergic to poison ivy, right?" "Yeah?" "When I get in the jail..." "I just peel back the tape, and expose the poison ivy." "Then I get the rash..." "I get the swelling, I even get a little fever." "Then I fake all the other symptoms of the plague..." "like delirium, cramping, all that sort of stuff, you know." "And then, man, it looks real good." "Looks just like the plague." "Boy, it was beautiful." "really beautiful." "Anyway, do you realize there ain't never been... no doctor ever seen a case of the plague in this part of the country?" "Do you know something, Luke?" "It is sure going to be a pleasure to work with a real professional, ain't it?" "You figure we can ever be that good?" "I don't know." "Do y'all realize they ain't no closer to Daisy than they were in jail?" "What are you doing here?" "You're supposed to be in jail until tomorrow." "Can't anybody do anything right?" "But, boss, I ran into some trouble back there." "What happened?" "You poor man, that's a terrible case of poison ivy." "You see, it didn't work in jail either." "Some hiIIbiIIy spotted me." "Where's your car?" "I had to make a getaway in this thing." "Ain't that the girl from the bar?" "Yeah, she belongs to me." "Look, dummy... are we supposed to sneak out of here in an orange stock car... with a big number one on the side... and a Confederate flag on the roof?" "Look, little man... it'II be a whole lot easier than trying to hide her." "ImbeciIes." "It was a very simple plan." "These two idiots couldn't follow instructions on a cereal box." "Y'aII don't get along very well, do you?" "No, young lady, we don't." "I wanna see the money." "I think you should see about getting some calamine lotion on that poison ivy." "Ger her inside." "Because of your stupidity, we're gonna have to dump that RV truck... and escape in that clown car." "Looks like the Dukes got a little shuck and jive working, don't it?" "Listen, I want to know how we did on the money." "That may all prove to be academic if we don't get away." "Right now, we happen to have a more pressing problem." "What are we gonna do with her?" "Right now, I'm thinking about sinking her in the lake with the RV... where there's no witnesses." "Hey, this is Cooter coming at you." "Y'aII got your ears on?" "Come in, Cooter." "lt worked." "Boy, we thought he'd never steal that car." "Me, too." "Hey, y'aII..." "I'm down here at old Bubba's fishing shack... the one that Boss Hogg foreclosed on." "You mean Bearclaw Swamp?" "The very same." "Now look here, Daisy's all right." "But there's three of them, and they got shotguns... and looks like they're fixing to leave." "Got you." "You're gonna have to delay them, Cooter." "Okay, I will." "That's a big 10-4." "But y'aII hurry." "Did you copy that, Jesse?" "Loud and clear, Luke, and I'm on the way." "I got them now." "Do you copy that, Rosco?" "You bet I copy." "And when I get my hands on you" "BearcIaw Swamp?" "That's at the other end of the county." "Enos, I know where it is." "Wait a minute!" "I'm not into exotic stuff like stuffing a broad." "Don't look at me." "I've been sick." "FeIIas, could I say something here?" "No!" "You may not." "This is all your fault." "It was a perfect bank heist, with a true theatrical flair." "It worked twice without a hitch." "And then we hit Hazzard." "It was a perfect setup." "An outmoded bank, an inept police department... and then we met you." "Disaster." "Let's see, Cooter said that there's three guys with shotguns?" "You don't need me." "I'II just take a nap." "You can handle it." "Left-handed." "I sure hope Cooter is being creative." "How're you?" "Now, sugar, before you get yourself all het up... things just happen to be different in Hazzard." "actually, y'aII fit right in." "Why don't you stick around?" "I'II bet if you gave that money back and apologized real sweet...." "Stick around Hazzard?" "Wrong!" "Who's that?" "Why, Cooter!" "Hey, Daisy." "How you been?" "Fine." "And you?" "I can't complain." "What is going on?" "Caught this guy goofing around with the RV tires." "The place is crawling with them." "Where did you come from?" "See if you can guess." "Maybe we ought to sink the RV before something else crawls out of there." "You know, that's gonna take y'aII a while 'cause it's got two flat tires." "Tie them both up, put them in the RV, and sink it." "Can I ask you a question?" "No, you may not." "Okay, good." "If y'aII sink that RV... how are you gonna get out of here?" "We'II make our getaway in the little orange car." "Yeah?" "It ain't gonna start nohow." "I hid the distributor cap... right before I did them tires." "Get over there." "AII right, you two, get out there and start that car." "What's that noise?" "Now what?" "Stop him." "They're throwing dynamite!" "You didn't say anything about dynamite." "These people are crazy!" "hold it right there." "Come on here." "Get in here." "Don't sIop all over me, now." "This is my good uniform." "Sure was nice of y'aII to get here just in time to take all the credit." "will you hush?" "Any more fIap-Iip out of you, I'II cuff you, too." "You are surrounded." "Throw down your weapons and put your hands up." "Hammerhand." "How many times do you have to surrender around here?" "I said hands up, everybody." "You just" "hello, CoItrane." "What are you doing here?" "AII right, move out." "Hammerhand, now listen... this is Hazzard County." "This is my county." "And I'II do all the arresting in...." "Hot pursuit, Sheriff." "Look it up." "You...." "I hope you weren't too inconvenienced, ma'am." "AII right, men, move them out." "You tin-badged robot!" "I think he's kind of cute." "For a sheriff." "We played it pretty close." "Got only one stick left." "You know what we ought to do with that?" "We ought to offer to blast Boss right out of his cell." "He'd be just a big, white smithereen." "That's the legend of the Hazzard Plague... in which nobody caught nothing." "Especially Rosco, who didn't even catch the bank robbers." "english"