"Would you like the last sausage?" "How about we split it?" "Okay." "Meet you in the middle." "Oh, ha, ha." "Okay." "Sexy." "Aw!" "Nothing says love like a little morning pork." "Oh, hey." "You're home early." "How was vegas?" " Never again." " Oh, you lost?" "No, Alan, I won so much freaking money that I'm embarrassed to go back." "All right." "Well, uh, you remember Melissa?" "Of course, he remembers me." "He deflowered me then dumped me." "No offense, sweetheart, but your flower had been plucked and potted long before I met you." "Okay, okay, okay." "Look, look." "Ha, ha." "We're all adults here." "Ha, ha." "This doesn't have to be awkward." "I mean, sure, Melissa is my receptionist and sure, she was with you and sure, that ended badly, but uh... okay, I guess this does have to be awkward." " Shouldrt we be getting ready for work?" " Yes, yes, let's do that." " You wanna shower together?" " Oh, great." "Uh, let me just, uh, start without you." "There's a couple of things I'd like to pre-wash." "There's a mental image I didn't need." "Charlie, I need to talk to you." "I'm sorry I was a jerk." "I'm happy for you and Alan." "I will kick myself for the rest of my life for losing someone as special as you." "No, silly, it's about something else." "Oh, good, because even I didn't believe that." "Alars birthday is next Saturday." "Really?" "I don't think so." "Yeppers, he's gonna be 40." "Wow, that is so weird." "My baby brother's gonna be 40." " How old are you?" " Thirty-nine." "That's what makes it so weird." "Anyway, I think we should have a party for him." "Why?" "Because it's an important birthday and he deserves a big party with all his friends and loved ones." "All right, all right." "Let's break this down." "You want him to get what he deserves, with his friends and loved ones and you want it big." " Uh-huh." "Pick one." "Come on, Charlie, don't be such a pooper." "If it's gonna be a fun party, I..." "I need your help." "You want it to be fun?" "Don't invite Alan." " Charlie..." " okay, okay." "You know who would love to help you out with this?" "Our mom." " Really?" " Oh, yeah." "Nothing she likes better than extending herself for other people." " Good idea." "I'll give her a call." " You do that." "Wait till she hears Alars 40." "Charlie, wake up." "I need to talk to you." "Don't move, don't blink." "Maybe she'll think you're dead and leave." "I know you can hear me, Charlie." "She's bluffing." "Just stay still." "Okay, don't panic." "You've experienced oxygen deprivation before." "I can't breathe, Mom." "Oh, good, you're awake." "What can I do for you?" "I received a very unsettling message on my answering machine and I would like you to explain it to me." "Okay, look, sometimes the liquor makes me say hateful things." "No, this message was from some woman named Melissa." "Oh, Alars receptionist." "Really?" "From the sound of her voice I'd guess she earns her living baking cookies in a hollow tree." "Anyway, she's somehow gotten it into her head that Alan is turning 40 on Saturday." "Yeah, so?" "Is she insane?" "Running around telling people my son is 40." "I know." "She's a bad person." "And that's not all." "She wants me to help with a party." "Where in God's name could she have gotten such an idea?" "Beats me." "Maybe the fact that you're his mother confused the poor girl." "Oh, you're up." "You've been cleaning in there this whole time?" "Sure, let's say I was cleaning." "If you're going out, can I pull your car out of the garage?" "I don't want you pulling my car out of the garage." "Okay, I won't." "From now on." "Hey, what's, uh...?" "What's going on up here?" "Ugh, terrific." "This meeting of the worst club in history can now come to order." "Madam President, you have the floor." "Oh, I get it." "Heh." "Sorry to interrupt." "Go back to what you were planning, uh, uh..." "Doing, uh." "Whatever." "Oh, uh, apropos of nothing, uh, I like red velvet cake and close-up magic." "Crap." "Now we have to throw him a party." " Who?" " Your father." " Why?" " It's his birthday." "Oh." "Can I bring a date?" " You got a date?" " That depends." " On what?" " Can I borrow your car?" "You don't got a date." "We don't, uh..." "We don't have to go out to dinner just because it's my birthday." "Don't be silly." "This is a very special night." "How many times do you turn 40?" "In my family, three or four." "Well, the first time is the one that counts." "Okay." "So..." "So it's just us, right?" "Of course it's just us." "Who else would it be?" "I don't know." "My friends, family." "A close-up magician." "Oh, darn." "What gave it away?" "When I left, Jake was taking a shower, Charlie had on long pants and Berta said she was going to some loser's birthday party." "Oh, good, I had her down as a maybe." "Promise you'll act surprised." "Oh..." "Ha, ha." "Oh, my God, what a surprise!" "I don't know these people." "We have a private room." "Sorry, sorry." "We've got a private room." "Go back to your dinner." "Heh." "Ooh, Gazpacho." "This is so nice." "A private, intimate dinner for just the two of us." "Oh, my God, you guys." "There's nobody here." "I don't understand it." "I told them to be here an hour ago." "Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?" "My family are a bunch of thoughtless, selfish butt wipes." "Surprise." "Evelyn, smile." "Uh!" "Oh, that's a keeper." "Oh, uh..." "Listen, are you gonna be cutting the cake soon?" "Because, actually, I have a real party to go to." "You can't go." "We haven't done the speeches yet." "Oh, of course." "Were we supposed to write speeches?" " For what?" " For Alan." "Let him write his own speech." "Uh, can I have your attention please?" "Ha, ha." "I wanna thank you all for coming to celebrate this wonderful occasion." "I thought it was Alars birthday." "Now it's time to say a few words about the guest of honor." "I can think of a few words." "Not only is he a terrific doctor and fantastic boss he is also good and kind and smart and funny and a really swell kisser." "I can still hear you." "Sorry I'm late." "I was burning a fatty with one of the busboys in the parking lot." "How are you?" "Everyone, this is my mother, Shelly." "Mom, this is Alars mother, Evelyn, and..." "Sweetie, save your breath, because I'm way too toasted to remember a lot of names." "Ooh, bread." "All right, well, uh, now that we're all here, why don't we take turns saying something about Alan and how much he means to us." "Okay, Jake, you wanna start?" "No, I gotta go make room for cake." "All right." "Uh..." "Berta, why don't you get the ball rolling?" "Sure, what the hell." "Zippy, I gotta tell you, when you first moved in, I didn't really care for you." "You were a persnickety, self-righteous, smug son of a bitch." "And now here we are, six years later." "Thank you." "Hear, hear." "Oh, okay, anyone else?" "Okay." "I'll go." "I have pictures of myself dressed in a forest ranger's uniform and I have absolutely no memory of ever working as a forest ranger." "Thank you." "Alrighty." "Uh, who's next?" "Evelyn?" "Me?" "Isn't it enough I carried him for seven and a half months?" "You'd be surprised how many women opt for the full nine." " Come on, you have to say something." " Oh, fine." "Alan, darling you were always the good son." "Of course, your brother didn't set the bar very high." "Hear, hea..." "Wait a minute." "Charlie, do you wanna say anything?" "Uh, all right." "Alan, you're my little brother." "And I know over the years, I've tormented you I've embarrassed you in public I've tied you to street lights, car bumpers the occasional angry animal." "Oh, remember that Fourth of July when I used your ass as a launch pad for my bottle rockets?" "Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is thanks for the memories." "That...?" "That's it?" "That's all you have to say?" "I suppose I could talk about his bed-wetting." " You people are horrible." " No, honey, it's okay." " It's okay." " No, no, no, it's not okay." "You should be ashamed of yourselves." "This is a warm and wonderful human being and he deserves more especially from his family." "I don't know why you guys showed up tonight." "Well, I can't speak for anybody else, but I'm getting overtime." " Come on, Alan." "We're leaving." " Really?" "Before the cake?" "You don't need people who don't appreciate you." "Uh, well, no, but I do kind of need Charlie's house." "No, you don't." "You'll come live with me and Mom." "Right, Mom?" "You know, I did spend a summer in Yosemite doing shrooms so maybe I wasrt an official forest ranger." "Let's go." "Mom, we're leaving." "Okay." "I'm sorry." "This is the best bread I ever had." "Who likes magic?" "I shaved for this?" " Berta?" " Who's asking?" " What's wrong?" " Too much celebrating last night." "I didn't notice you drinking at Alars party." "No, afterward." "With the magician at his place." " You went back to his place?" " Well, technically his van." "Why didn't you just stay home?" "If I stay home, you don't pay me." "So you just came in to lie on my couch?" "Tough times, Charlie." "Some people are living in their vans." "Oh, make it stop." "Hello." "Hi, Mom." "Alan?" "No, he didn't come home." "You're right, we were funny." "He just overreacted." "I'm sure he'll come back eventually." "He always does." "You should've named him Herpes." "Yeah, I wish I'd thought of it last night too." "Talk to you later." "So, what are we gonna do today?" " Arert you gonna ask about your dad?" " What about him?" "Were we not at the same party last night?" "Did you not notice when you finally came out of the toilet that your father was gone?" "You know, now that you mention it..." "Herpes Junior." "Oh, look who's back." "I'm not back." "Just came to get my stuff." "You're really gonna milk this, huh?" "I'm not milking anything." "There is no milk." "I'm moving in with Melissa and her mother." "Sounds like milk to me." "I need to be someplace where I'm appreciated someplace where I, I'm nurtured and loved." "You're not taking me seriously, are you?" "Oh, come on, Alan." "You ain't going anywhere." "You know it, I know it, the seagulls out there crapping on my deck know it." ""You think he'll be back?"" ""Oh, yeah. "" "No, no." "This is it." "This is where I cut the cord." "Oh, man." "I think David Copperfield slipped me a roofie." "I really appreciate you taking me in like this." "We love you, Alan." "We want you here." "You're a good man and you have a beautiful soul." "It is beautiful, isn't it?" "God forbid my family should notice." "Damn, I knew I'd forget something." " What'd you forget?" " My son." "Well, that's no problem." "We'll just move Mom's hydroponic equipment out of the garage and make a bedroom for him." " Hydroponic equipment?" " Uh, I'm a bit of a horticulturist." "A little herb garden." "Ah, okay." "Well, uh, just a heads-up, I love my son and everything but he hasn't quite gotten to beautiful soul yet." "He's more methane cloud." "He's still one of God's flowers." "All he needs is a little love, ultraviolet light, potassium and he'll grow into some righteous chronic." "Quitting time." " What are you doing here?" " Watching Tv." " Why didn't you go with your dad?" " Dad was here?" "Yeah, he came by to get his stuff and I figured that included you." "I'm not stuff, Uncle Charlie." "I'm a human being." "Don't flatter yourself." "And turn off the Tv." "I'm taking you back to your mom's." "Mom and Herb are in Mexico." " For how long?" " I don't know." "Turn off the Tv." "I'm taking you to Mexico." "Can I drive?" " You all comfy, cozy?" " Uh-huh." " Mom made you some hot chocolate." " Oh, oh, thank you." "Oh, and it's got those little marshmallows." "I love those." "Good." "I'm going to the market." "What would you like for dinner?" "Oh, gosh, I don't know." "What do you want?" "I want to please you." "Really?" "No one's ever said that to me before." " Get used to it." " Heh." "I'll try." "Now, what can I get for you?" "Um, well, you know the macaroni that's shaped like little wagon wheels?" " I do." " I like that with melted cheese." " You got it." " Heh." "Oh, uh, and maybe a couple of those bottled wine spritzers?" " Okeydoke." " Ha, ha." "I'm getting mac and spritzers." "I'm getting mac and spritzers." "Here you go, bright eyes." "I made you some banana bread." " Oh, really?" " Mm-hm." "Banana bread?" "Oh, thank you." "Oh, man." "Wow, it's still warm." "Hmm, right out of the oven." "Mm, hmm, oh, that's..." "That's very unusual." "Uh, I'm tasting bananas and, uh, what is that, nutmeg?" "Nope." " Mm, good." " You know what?" "You might want to start with half a piece." "I can't believe it." "Believe what?" "I think I miss him." "Miss who?" " Your father." " Oh." " What about you?" " What about me what?" " Do you miss him?" " Who?" " Your father." " Why?" "Where is he?" "Honey, they didn't have any spritzers, so I got you 7UP and sangria." "Alan?" "Oh, hey, baby." "Have you tried your mom's banana bread?" " I'm back." " I'm shocked." "Hey, Alan?" "Yeah?" "Happy birthday." "Thank you." " Told you he'd be back." " Who?"