"If you wear gloves up to here, you can push your arm right up her." "That is that for today except for Any Other Business." "Any other business?" ".." "Hugo?" "Yeah." "Any other business?" "Oh!" "Yes, er..." "I would like to record the council's gratitude for the completely anonymous gift of this new Bible." "You might add "extraordinarily generous"." "And delete "completely anonymous"." "The King James text has more dignity than today's trendy rubbish." "The nobility of "In the beginning was the word"." "Oh, lovely." "The Word is quite trendy." "It is, yes." "Am I alone in preferring not to be asked to shake hands with the malodorous creature in the next pew?" "No, no, no, no, I quite like that bit." "Let alone kiss them." "I love that bit!" "Hurry up." "Some of us have arms that are urgently needed up a sheep's backside." "You flirt!" "Any other business?" "There is one little thing." "Farewell Newsnight." "I've a letter from BBC Religious Programmes from a Tristan Campbell." "He wants to film Songs of Praise at St Barnabus." "Heaven preserve us." "Not a Songs of Praise fan, David?" "I am not." "The BBC only cover it cos they promised Douglas Hurd they'd look after Thora in her dotage." "They'll have Mellors shagging the daylights out of Lady Chatterley on BBC2 to keep up their audience." "I rather enjoyed Lady Chatterley." "Some very useful tips." "I beg your pardon?" "Oh, gardening tips." "Mellors was good at hedge control." "I see." "I thought the sex was good as well." "Do you want that in the minutes?" "Better not." "We don't want the vice squad raiding us." "As I was saying, before I was interrupted by two tragic victims of experimentation with hormone replacement, what possible interest is our village church to Songs of Praise?" "It's to do with the fact that "the present incumbent is a woman"." "WE'RE the sex interest." ""On BBC1, the vicar's got a nice pair of knockers."" "I didn't know you'd seen my breasts." "He's certainly seen mine." "Everybody's seen yours." "I do share some of your misgivings." "I'd rather leave television to Felicity Kendall and other members of the Impossibly Tiny Bottom Club." "We all agree." "Songs of Praise is cheapening, shallow and ridiculous." "Isn't it?" "Yes, cheapening." "Utterly shallow." "Totally ridiculous." "A vote." "Anyone in favour of letting the morons from TV into our church?" "It's got to be a hoot, hasn't it?" "Let the hordes in." "Hello." "Are you all on your own?" "Usually, yes." "I don't get out much." "Welcome to the choir auditions." "Can you sing?" "No." "Can't sing." "I'd like to be choirmaster." "Can you conduct?" "Oh, yes." "The job's yours!" "Welcome on board." "Can I enquire as to your current size?" "Sorry?" "The choir." "Ah, nil." "We are going to have to rethink our advertising strategy." "Cecil." "Alice." "I'm not married and I don't get out much." "Right, no time like the present." "Except for the past." "I used to love that." "Yes, it was fun, wasn't it?" "Alice, if you'd show in the first contender...quickly." "IN A MONOTONE:" "# Lord of all hopefulness Lord of all joy... #" "# Jesus wants me for a sunbeam To shine for him each day... #" "# You fill up my senses" "# Like a night in the forest" "# Like the mountains in springtime" "# Like a walk in the rain... #" "I'm big in the gonads." "I don't doubt that for a moment." "Is that important for singing?" "Great Ottley and Netterton Amateur Dramatic Society." "Character tenor." "What have you got for us?" "# You fill up my senses... #" "# My love, my darling" "# I hunger for your touch" "# A long and lonely time. #" "Yes." "Thank you." "Owen, what a surprise!" "I thought I'd have a go." "Mum says I used to sing like an angel." "Just like...what's the name of that young bloke, lovely voice, in the charts, no testicles?" "Jimmy Osmond." "No, Welsh bloke." "Jones!" "I think you'll find that Tom Jones had rather a lot of testicles." "About five, I'd say!" "No, Aled Jones." "Oh, yes, definitely testicularly challenged." "What have you got for us, Owen?" "It's called "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring"." "Lovely." "It's one of my favourites." "It's very groovy." "Fire away." "IN BEAUTIFUL VOICE:" "# Jesu, joy of man's desiring" "# Holy wisdom... #" "Our very own Pavarotti." "Yes." "Thinner." "And I've got more sheep." "Oh, I'm sorry Hugo didn't apply." "He's very good at singing." "You're fond of Hugo, aren't you?" "Oh, no, not at all." "Not in the Romeo-Juliet, Dirty-Den-and-Angie sort of way." "Have you had lots of boyfriends?" "Depends what you mean by lots." "One." "Yeah, I've had lots." "I've given up on it recently." "Too much waxing." "You get a funny feeling in your tum." "Every time I see Hugo, I feel as though I have eaten a whole cowpat." "KNOCK ON DOOR Enter if you're sexy and love Jesus." "Evening." "I'd better be off then." "Oh, Abyssinia." "Yes." "I thought I'd tell you that I've put the new Bible on the lectern and it looks slightly better than the paperback it replaces, "Funky News For Modern Man"." "Come in." "I'm waiting for that Tristan bloke." "Don't raise your hopes." "He'll be some old soak whose career peaked when he directed Badger Watch." "You think BBC people are going to be glamorous and then you remember Nicholas Witchell works there." "Most are so homosexual they make John Inman look like Jean-Claude Van Damme." "KNOCK ON DOOR That'll be him now." "Oh." "You must be Geraldine." "Yes." "Tristan." "Hi." "Come on in." "Thank you." "Do go on through there." "Here?" "Yeah." "Tristan, this is David Horton, chairman of the parish council." "How do you do?" "Have you worked with John Inman?" "David's an emormous fan of his." "'Fraid not." "Camp comedy's not my cup of tea, but..." "No, mine neither." "I must go." "There's some WRESTLING on I'm keen to see." "Goodnight." "Coffee?" "Yes, thank you." "It's very good of you to let us do this." "I'm sure it's going to be wonderful." "Mind instant?" "No, that's great." "I've only got a few minutes, but, er...great." "Do, er...sit down." "Absolutely." "So...how's it going in the parish?" "Have you met a lot of opposition?" "David's a bit hostile." "I can manage." "Yes, you often find it's the gay Anglo-Catholics that make the fuss." "Yes, although David's not..." "Yes, yes, you're right." "Yes, it is." "About the programme..." "Any ideas about hymns?" "Somebody requested "Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam"." "David?" "Yes, I think it was him, yes." "Look, it's a new jar!" "Absolutely love the popping sound it makes!" "Yes...it is fun, yes." "Yeah, isn't it?" "Moving on then." "We'd love one of the readers to be a woman." "Oh, not me?" "You've got to do the sermon." "Of course, yes." "Mustn't hog everything, must I?" "OINK!" "OINK!" "You'll keep the sermon in?" "It's the heart of the programme." "I love people to get a glimpse of the woman underneath the cassock." "I assume you're talking spiritually." "Yes, I'm talking spiritually." "What else could he mean? "I want to get some close-ups of your pants"?" "Excuse me." "Oh!" "I'd really better be going." "I'm very late." "Absolutely." "Traffic at this time of night is..." "Non-existent." "Non-existent, yes." "Someone will recce the church, if that's OK." "Okey-dokey." "Goodnight." "You're lovely." "No, sorry, you're welcome." "Lovely to meet you." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I did a pig impression!" "I can't believe it!" "Can I be of any assistance?" "I don't know." "I'm David." "David Horton." "Chairman of the parish council." "Glorious little building, isn't it?" "Very fine buttresses." "Lovely apse." "Ruth." "I'm recce-ing for the lighting." "On the cameraman's team?" "I AM the cameraman." "Of course you are." "I might start with a shot of this tombstone." "Beautiful lettering." ""Here lieth Farah Fiffonf."" "Sarah Sissons." "The f's are s's." "Yes." "I was joking." "Of course you were!" "And underneath, look." ""Jane, fister of the above."" "Sister, one hopes." "Come on, David." "Let's check out your buttresses." "Trist, not here!" "Well, all right then, just one little kiss." "Mind if I come in?" "Oh, God!" "God!" "I wanted to run through my lesson." "Sit down." "I was just licking the mirror, the way you do." "Keeping it clean." "Anyway..." "I'm awfully nervous." "You're not the only one." "Still, have a proper practice." "Oh, thanks." "Read on, MacDuff." "OK." "Right." "Right." ""Ye are the salt of the earth and sainted." ""God shall seal your endeavours until ye sit on His right hand..." Yes." "OK." ""Therefore fight the good fight for His sake and He shall be your succour." What's succour?" "Sorry?" "You weren't even listening." "Yes, I was." "What were you saying about sucking, er...succour?" "What does it mean - succour?" "Well, it means support, help, nourishment." "Like you, Alice, give me succour." "I'll need it in front of all those people." "And Tristan." "Who?" "!" "Who?" "!" "The producer." "Oh, him!" "Him!" "God, I'd completely forgotten about him." "Haven't thought once about him licking me up the legs." "What?" "Hope he doesn't expect me to make a special effort." "It's not the job of a vicar to flirt, I'm afraid." "Hugo, what would you think if I were ever to, say, find a girlfriend?" "I'd be very grateful." "I don't seem to be able to get one off my own bat." "No, a girlfriend for myself." "Oh, got you!" "Some sort of plump, middle-aged sort of...?" "Not necessarily." "There are many older women who've fought hard to keep their looks." "The necks..." "Yes, thank you, Hugo." "I was, in fact, thinking of someone younger." "If I bring someone round, I trust you'll behave with due discretion." "Absolutely, yes." "Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more." "How are you, Davie, my older brother?" "Nudge, nudge." "Gotta be going." "Busy organising a surprise 30th birthday for you, bro'." "They're very beautiful." "So are you, my dear." "In my youth, I was what you'd call a "corker"." "Can I give you some advice?" "Of course." "Play the field." "Snog everybody." "Sleep with most." "I didn't, and I've regretted it ever since." "I do like young Frank, but a bit of a slow mover." "26 years and not even upstairs outsidies." "The cassock is splendid." "You can't beat a little black number, can you?" "No." "Don't be nervous." "It's just telly." "I'll be fine." "Cool as a cucumber, me." "Well, if Anne Diamond can do it..." "No seats." "We'll have to stand." "And when we're meant to sit?" "We'll just mime it, I suppose." "Down, down, down, down, down, down." "Hold it, and up!" "Group hug?" "Oh, for energy?" "Of course." "Yes, OK." "Will life be different after this?" "Will we ever know privacy again?" "Who knows?" "This time next week, you could be a movie star." "Gosh, yes." "Ooh, I wonder which one." "# Tis only the splendour of light guideth me... #" "Well, this is the first time I've been on television." "I applied to go on Mastermind but they didn't like my special subject." "Apparently there aren't enough questions about the Wombles." "I was a bit young, being four and a half." "When I decided to become a vicar, my life was a bit like Mastermind - people asking me questions all the time - how, when, why?" "Some people can't understand why women are allowed to become vicars." "People worry that soon there'll be pantyhose on the vestry radiators and that hymns will have to be hers." "But they shouldn't worry." "While they're worrying about these little things, they're forgetting to worry about the big things." "Issues like, well, how much you help those who need help, how much you love people and show your love to them..." "And cut!" "We'll have to do it again." "Flowers got in the way of the camera." "Cue!" "Oh...!" "In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost." "Amen." "Well, this is the first time I've been on television." "I applied to go on Mastermind but they didn't like my special subject." "Apparently there aren't enough questions about the Wombles." "..And, er...oh..." "Cut." "Is something the matter?" "Er...yes, actually." "Last time we did it there was a laugh there, a little titter." "We've already heard that joke once." "Can you pretend that this is the first time you've heard this sermon?" "Try and laugh in the same places." "How will we know when?" "If someone remembers, they could cue you." "I can't remember." "I think I can." "Watch this chap here." "And take four and, Geraldine, cue!" "In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost." "Amen." "Well, this is my first time on television." "I applied to go on Mastermind but they didn't like my special subject." "Apparently there aren't enough questions about the Wombles." "And, er...also they thought I was a bit too young." "No." "Just raise your hand when you're expecting a laugh." "Right." "Cue!" "In the name of the Father..." "HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER No, no, no, no." "# Praise Him who hath taught you" "# To sing of His love. #" "Ring me when you've watched it." "Thanks very much." "Maybe if I'm beetling down the M40, you could show me round the Beeb - introduce me to Uncle Bulgaria." "Any time." "I'm all yours." "Bye." "Thanks." "Attention, attention!" "Potential snogging situation developing." "I wouldn't mind having a chat with you about our next corporate video, "The Potato in the 21st Century"." "Couldn't give me a number?" "Sure, if I had a pen." "Tristan!" "Hi, it's Geraldine." "Oh, you remember." "Yeah, well, what say you we meet up after Evensong, Mr Producer, and reminisce?" "You've forgotten to pick up the phone." "I know, I know, I know!" "Come on, Geraldine." "Just do it." "Do you want me to go?" "No, no, just sit down there." "Right, right." "Here we go." "Right." "No, I can't do it." "I can't do it." "Just a picking-cotton second here." "What?" "!" "You've got a crush, haven't you?" "No, I haven't." "Yes." "Well, maybe, just a bit." "Oh, Alice!" "Blimey, blimey!" "There's juice loose about this hoose!" "Well, it's all so right, isn't it?" "He's a man, I'm a woman." "He's a religious broadcaster, I'm a vicar." "He's Scottish and I love McVities biscuits." "PHONE RINGS I've got a spooky feeling here." "Quite a lot of my future depends on this phone-call." "Hello." "Geraldine." "David." "Yes." "Um...strange favour." "I wondered if you had a number for that Tristan bloke." "Want to speak to the lighting bod - Ruth, I think - about some damage." "Seem to have her number down wrong." "Hang on a moment." "I'll look for it." "I wonder where it is." "I wonder where I put it." "I'm such a butterbrain." "Oh, here it is, as luck would have it, David." "It's 071 223 2129." "I wanted Tristan's number." "That IS Tristan's number." "I've dialled that number." "That's..." "Ruth's number." "Tristan and Ruth's number." "Yep." "So is the wedding off then?" "Looking a little less likely now." "Yeah, yeah." "Oh, well, let's do the tea rotas." "There's more to life than just being happy." "Could be worse." "Could have behaved like the Moron from Mars on Songs of Praise like I did." "Suppose so." "God, that was a cock-up." "No, no, no, I didn't mean that." "Sorry." "No, they'll edit it out." "It'll be fine." "Are you sure?" "Absolutely." "Trust me." "I'm a vicar." " Settle down." "It's nearly on." " Very exciting." " Good luck." "MURMURS" "Chin." "If you can't sing in tune, turn up the volume!" "HARMONISED "AH'S"" "# I feel it in my fingers" "# I feel it in my toes... #" "CONGRATULATIONS" "# ..in my toes Love is all around me... #" "Oh, fab choice!" "Well, I think it works." "You must give me the name of that mascara." "It's absolutely gorgeous!" "# ..made up by the way that I feel" "# There's no beginning, there'll be no end" "# On Jesus' love you can depend" "# Yes, you can depend. #" "You next, Vicar." "This is your sermon." "I applied to go on Mastermind but they didn't like my special subject." "Apparently there aren't enough questions about the Wombles." "Funnier than I remember." "Here comes Alice." "Surely they've cut this." "Oh, no, you promised." "Sshh, everyone." "Sshh!" "It'll be fine." "You'll see." "The lesson is taken from the sixth chapter of the Song of Solomon, beginning at the second verse." ""Ye are the fault of the earth and fainted." ""Sainted." ""God shall feel...seal your endeavours until ye fit on his right hand." ""Therefore fight the good fight for his...fake" ""..and he shall be thy f..." Succour!" "Succour!" "He shall be thy succour!" ""Thy succour."" "You see, nobody would have noticed, would they, David?" "No, not if they were watching the other side." "# Holy goodness and mercy" "# Shall follow me" "# All the days of my life" "# And I may dwell in the house" "# Of the Lord for ever" "# For ever... #" "Subtitles by BBC Scotland 1994" "Two nuns driving down the road in Transylvania." "Oh!" "All of a sudden, a scary vampire jumps out right in front of the car..." "Oh, no!" "One nun says to the other, "Show him your cross", so she leans out and says," ""Get out of the way, you toothy git!"" "Oh, I misunderstood that because I thought she meant "Show him your crucifix,"" "whereas she meant, "Show him you're angry."" "Yes." "It is quite a confusing story." "Yes." "Gosh, I'm stupid." "No, you're not stupid at all." "It's funny actually." "# The Lord is my shepherd" "# I shall not want" "# He maketh me to lie down in green pastures" "# He lea-eadeth me" "# Beside the still waters"