" WHITNEY HOUSTON JUST DIED." " WHAT'S THAT?" " WHITNEY HOUSTON JUST DIED." " THAT'S A JOKE." "all:" "NO." " WHITNEY HOUSTON JUST DIED?" "SHIT." "HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM." " TOO SOON!" " TOO SOON?" "APPARENTLY NOT." "[guitar riff] HEY." "LOOK OUT, EVERYBODY." "JEFF ROSS HERE." "YEAH!" "HOLA!" "WHAT'S UP?" "WHAT'S UP?" "I'M HEADING OUT ON MY FIRST NATIONAL TOUR," "ROASTING MY WAY AROUND AMERICA..." " HOW OFTEN ARE YOU GONNA GET ROASTED BY THE MASTER?" " IF YOU'RE PREGNANT OR WEIRD-LOOKING..." "YOU HAVE A CIVIC OBLIGATION..." "TO GET 15 SECONDS OF PAIN, IF YOUR SKIN IS THICK ENOUGH." "VOLUNTEER ONLY." "HERE WE [bleep] GO." "FINDING OUT WHO CAN TAKE IT..." "LISTEN, SLUMDOG THOUSAND-AIRE." "YOU'RE LIKE A SITCOM BLACK DUDE." "YOU'RE NOT A REGULAR BLACK DUDE." "LOOK AT THAT!" "AND WHO CAN'T." "AAH!" "OW!" "WHOO!" "OW!" "LET FREEDOM ZING..." "[mic thuds]" "AND LET THE ROASTING BEGIN!" "MY FIRST STOP WAS MY SECOND HOME, SEATTLE." "I WARMED UP BACKSTAGE BY ROASTING MY NEPHEW, JARED," "RIGHT BEFORE THE SHOW." "HAPPY BIRTHDAY." "WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE IF YOU GROW UP?" "NICE OUTFIT, I DIDN'T KNOW BABY GAP HAD WOMEN'S CLOTHES." "JARED LOOKS LIKE JUSTIN BIEBER IF HE CUT HIS OWN HAIR." "THAT'S PRETTY GOOD." "BEHAVE OR I'LL DROP YOU OFF AT PENN STATE UNIVERSITY." " PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR THE ROASTMASTER GENERAL," "JEFFREY ROSS, EVERYBODY." "[cheers and applause]" " THIS WORKED OUT." "THANK YOU, SEATTLE." "I GOT A HAIRCUT FOR YOU PEOPLE." "I TOLD THE GUY, "MAKE ME LOOK LIKE GADDAFI'S NEPHEW."" "IT ALMOST RAINED TODAY, DIDN'T IT, SEATTLE?" "ALMOST." "HOW MANY DAYS A WEEK DOES IT-- YOU THINK IT RAINS HERE?" "all:" "SEVEN!" " SEVEN DAYS A WEEK?" "YOU PEOPLE ARE WETTER THAN WHITNEY HOUSTON" "IN A BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL BATHTUB." "YOU PEOPLE" " TOO SOON!" " NEVER TOO SOON, SIR." "HOW [bleep] STONED ARE THESE MOTHER[bleep]?" "PEOPLE SMOKE POT IN SEATTLE?" "[crowd cheers]" " YEE-HAW!" " YOU CAN SAY ANYTHING WHILE YOU'RE HOLDING IN POT SMOKE" "AND IT MAKES IT OKAY, RIGHT?" "[inhales]" "MOM'S DEAD." "[laughs] [inhales]" " UH-OH, I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT IT." " I WANT TO STICK MY PINKIE IN YOUR ASS[bleep]." "I'LL TAKE THAT AS A YES." "I INVITED COURTNEY LOVE, BUT SHE DIDN'T SHOW UP." "SHE TOLD ME SHE'S WRITING HER BOOK." "THAT'S GONNA BE A CAN'T-REMEMOIR." "THAT PLOT'S GONNA HAVE MORE HOLES" "THAN KURT COBAIN'S GARAGE." "[laughter and groans]" "TOO SOON FOR THE KURT JOKES, SEATTLE?" "I HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK, BUT I BET IT ENDS WITH A BANG." "ALL APOLOGIES." "HOW FAR DOES BILL GATES LIVE FROM HERE?" "BILL GATES IS SO RICH," "HE WIPES HIS ASS WITH SEAHAWKS TICKETS." "BILL GATES IS SO RICH, HE'S 100% OF THE 1% OF THE 1%." "BILL GATES IS SO RICH," "HE HIRED CANCER TO KILL STEVE JOBS." "THIS IS MY GUITAR FROM HIGH SCHOOL." "I CONSIDER IT AN OLD FRIEND." "WHEN I'M ON THE ROAD, I BRING IT WITH ME," "AND, UH, IT KEEPS ME COMPANY." "STEVE JOBS WAS A GREAT AMERICAN, AND THAT ONE" "THAT ONE WAS" "AT HIS FUNERAL, HIS FAMILY MADE THIS ELABORATE TRIBUTE VIDEO," "AND THEN IT DIDN'T WORK 'CAUSE YOU NEEDED FLASH." "[strumming guitar riff]" "♪" "THEY PUT HIM IN THIS REALLY EXPENSIVE COFFIN." "THEN THEY PAID EXTRA FOR A PLASTIC CASE" "TO PROTECT IT FROM SCRATCHES." "DID YOU SEE HIM?" "HE WAS THINNER THAN THE iPAD 2" "AT THE END THERE." "[playing guitar]" "♪" "EVERYBODY WANTED TO WORK FOR STEVE JOBS," "EXCEPT HIS PANCREAS." "♪" "STEVE JOBS, ROAST IN PEACE." "[cheers and applause]" "I MADE A CHALLENGE THAT I WOULD TRY" "SPEED-ROASTING VOLUNTEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE." "I DON'T PICK ON PEOPLE." "IT HAS TO BE VOLUNTEER ONLY." "15 SECONDS OF PAIN, SEATTLE." "WHOEVER WANTS TO COME UP, NOW'S YOUR CHANCE." "I'LL TAKE THE FIRST, LIKE, EIGHT PEOPLE OR SOMETHING." "OKAY, HOLD ON, THAT'S ENOUGH DUDES." "WAIT A SECOND." "ALL RIGHT, JUST WOMEN NOW." "JUST WOMEN ONLY." "WOMEN ONLY." "ALL RIGHT." "OH, MY GOD, LOOK AT THIS [bleep] LOST KARDASHIAN." "WHAT'S UP?" " I LOVE YOU, JEFF!" " OH, MY GO--OH!" "POP!" "POP!" " YOU'RE SO SEXY." " OH, MY GOD, WOW." "SOMEBODY GET HER A BLACK [bleep] FAST." "OW!" "OW!" "LOOK AT THIS GAY NAZI OVER HERE." "[effeminate] HEIL HITLER!" "COME ON, DO IT WITH ME." "DO IT WITH ME." "HEIL HITLER!" " [indistinct shout] - [laughs]" "AND THIS GUY, WHAT'S YOUR STORY?" "I SAW YOU AT THE THEATER WHEN I WALKED BY" "AT, LIKE, WHAT TIME TODAY?" " UH, I THINK IT WAS, LIKE, 2:00." " THIS GUY GOT TO THE THEATER AT 2:00." "I THOUGHT HE WAS A REALLY BIG FAN," "TURNS OUT HE'S [bleep] HOMELESS." "WHAT DO YOU DO?" " UH, I'M A LASER OPERATOR." " A WHAT?" " A LASER OPERATOR." " YOU MUST GET TONS OF [bleep]." " JUST ONE." "[laughs]" " JUST ONE?" " YEAH." " YOU HAVE A WIFE?" " UM, IN A COUPLE MONTHS." " OH, YOU'RE GONNA-- YOU'RE ENGAGED?" " YES." " WOW, WHAT DOES SHE DO?" " SHE" " I KNOW SHE'S NOT A DENTIST." "YOU ASKED FOR THIS, BUDDY." "I DIDN'T--I DIDN'T" " NO, HEY, HEY." " COME HERE, LADIES." "LET'S CHECK YOU OUT FOR A SECOND." "TWO FIVES MAKE A TEN, RIGHT?" " RIGHT!" " [laughs]" " YEAH!" "WE'RE DOING IT!" "WE'RE [bleep] DOING IT!" "WOW." "YOU HAVE SUCH A SWEET FACE." " AW, THANK YOU." " ARE YOU, LIKE, MISSING A CHROMOSOME OR SOMETHING?" " YEAH, FOR SURE." "FOR SURE." "BUT--BUT IT MAKES EVERYTHING SO MUCH BETTER." " I FEEL YOU." "I COULD SEE THAT." "I COULD TOTALLY SEE THAT." " GOOD." " I LOVE YOU GUYS." "AND LOOK AT YOU." "YOU STOLE A TABLECLOTH FROM CHUCK E. CHEESE." " HEY, MAN, IT'S A RECESSION." "IT'S A RECESSION." " YOU TALKING ABOUT YOUR TITS?" "[laughs]" "OH, MY GOD, LOOK AT THAT." "I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU BOTH MY SPACE NEEDLE." "BET YOUR [bleep] SMELL LIKE PIKE'S PLACE." "TAKE A BOW, YOU GUYS." "YOU CAN GO BACK TO YOUR SEATS." "SUPER, SUPER COOL OF YOU LADIES TO COME UP HERE." "GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR PUBIC HAIRS COMING IN." " ALL RIGHT, ANY TIME NOW." " LOVE YOU." " THANK YOU, DARLING." "SECURITY, ESCORT HER BACK TO MY HOTEL ROOM, PLEASE." " A COLD, BEAUTIFUL DAY IN TORONTO." "NO ROASTING OF AMERICA WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT A STOP" "AT OUR COUSIN'S BACKYARD TO THE NORTH." "OUR BIG, DUMB COUSIN, CANADA." "IT'S KIND OF LIKE VISITING THE FAMILY." "IT'S KIND OF AN OBLIGATION." "GOTTA REMIND THESE CANADIANS WHO'S BOSS." "[coughs]" "THIS ISN'T A ROAST, IT'S A THAW." "MY [bleep] IS INSIDE MY STOMACH RIGHT NOW," "IT'S SO COLD OUT THERE." "UH, I WATCHED A CANADIAN PORNO MOVIE YESTERDAY." "THAT WAS COOL." "TWO GIRLS, ONE STANLEY CUP." "LAST TIME I WAS IN MONTREAL," "CELINE DION HAD JUST GIVEN BIRTH TO IDENTICAL TWINS," "WHICH WAS QUITE AN ACHIEVEMENT GIVEN HER AGE AND FACE." "TOO SOON FOR THE CELINE DION JOKES?" "THERE GOES MY MICHAEL J. FOX ROUTINE." "I'M NOT MAKING FUN OF MICHAEL J. FOX." "THAT'S SHAKY GROUND RIGHT THERE." "[laughs]" "OH, MY--HEY, HOW ABOUT A HAND FOR THE BAND," "DOING A GREAT JOB TONIGHT." "IF YOU'RE PREGNANT OR WEIRD-LOOKING," "YOU HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO YOUR FELLOW CANADIANS" "TO COME ONSTAGE RIGHT NOW." "ALL RIGHT, THAT'S PROBABLY GOOD." "WOW, THIS IS WORKING OUT." "COME ON." "HOLY SHIT, LET'S TALK TO THIS GUY." "COME OVER HERE, SIR." "SIR, WHEN I ASKED FOR PREGNANT PEOPLE TO COME ONSTAGE," "I WASN'T TRYING TO REFER TO YOU," "BUT--COME HERE." "COME HERE, DOLL." "LET'S JUST-- LET'S JUST COMPARE YOU TWO." "YOU GUYS ARE--JUST RUB BELLIES." "JUST RUB BELLIES A LITTLE BIT." "THE THREE OF US." "THE THREE OF US." "YOU GUYS ARE ALL SO CUTE." "COME HERE, HOW YOU DOING?" " GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?" " WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" " AMANDA." " AMANDA." "YOU ARE SO SEXILY PREGNANT RIGHT NOW." " THANKS." " WHO'S THE BABY DADDY?" " HE'S OUT THERE." " THIS WOMAN IS TOO PREGNANT TO BE OUT IN PUBLIC RIGHT NOW." "I'M SO H--CAN I TOUCH?" " YEAH, GO AHEAD." " DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE HAVING?" " A BOY." " OH, THAT'S AWESOME." "I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE THEY SAY" "IT'S VERY HEALTHY FOR THE BABY'S DEVELOPMENT" "TO HEAR PEOPLE LAUGHING, TO HEAR THE MOTHER LAUGHING." " THAT'S RIGHT." " IMAGINE IF I WAS LICKING YOUR [bleep] RIGHT NOW," "HOW GOOD THAT WOULD BE FOR THE UNBORN BABY." "WHAT DO YOU SAY?" "WHAT DO YOU SAY?" " SURE." "[laughs]" " MMM, I GOTTA JERK OFF AGAIN." "HOLD ON A SECOND." "[laughs]" "OH, I DON'T EVEN KNOW." "COME HERE." "YOU ARE SO-- LOOK AT YOU." "WOW, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU WERE [bleep] RAPED" "ON THE WAY HERE." "WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS [bleep] OUTFIT?" "IS EVERYTHING OKAY?" "DID YOU MAKE IT IN OKAY?" "WHAT HAPPENED, EXACTLY?" "THEY RIPPED YOUR-- HALF YOUR DRESS OFF." "I WANT TO BITE YOUR SHOULDER RIGHT NOW." " YOU'RE A CREEP." " WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" " SARAH." " SARAH WITH AN "H"?" " YES." " OH, I GOTTA JERK OFF." "WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY, SARAH?" " A STUDENT." " OH, YEAH?" "OF WHAT?" " MBA." " I KNOW IT'S NOT FASHION." "all:" "OH!" "IT'S GONNA BE OKAY, SARAH." "YOU'RE HERE AMONGST FRIENDS TODAY." "MISS, IT WAS GREAT TO MEET YOU." "HONEY, I'LL SEE YOU--WHEN?" "WHEN WILL I SEE YOU?" " AFTER THE SHOW." " AFTER THE SHOW?" "DO YOU EVER SUCK [bleep] FOR COKE?" "HOW ABOUT DIET PEPSI?" "DO YOU TAKE DIET PEPSI?" "MAMALA, THANK YOU FOR BEING A GOOD SPORT." " THANK YOU." " THANK YOU FOR COMING UP HERE" "WHEN I ASKED FOR A VOLUNTEER." "GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR BABY AND YOUR DADDY." "OH, THAT WAS SO FUN." " WASHINGTON, D.C. HAS A REPUTATION FOR BEING UPTIGHT." "THAT WASN'T THE CASE WITH THE PEOPLE I WAS RUNNING INTO." "HEY, HONEST ABE!" "WANT TO COME HEAR ME ROAST ABE LINCOLN?" "LAST TIME I ROASTED SOMEBODY THIS STONED," "IT WAS CHARLIE SHEEN." "ABE, YOU WERE AMERICA'S BEST PRESIDENT EVER," "AND OUR WORST THEATERGOER EVER." " TOO SOON, TOO SOON." " TOO SOON?" "all:" "TOO SOON." " I HEARD THAT PLAY WAS SO BAD," "HE WAS HOPING TO GET SHOT IN THE HEAD." "[laughter and groans]" "TOO SOON, TOO SOON, TOO SOON." "OF COURSE, ABE LINCOLN FREED THE SLAVES." "IS THAT WHY ALL BLACK PEOPLE DRIVE LINCOLNS?" "NOW I'M GONNA GO ROAST MARTIN LUTHER KING." "COME ON!" " YEAH!" " I HEARD THAT THEY JUST APPROVED MEDICAL MARIJUANA" "HERE IN WASHINGTON TOO." "IS THAT TRUE?" "IT'LL BE A BILLION-DOLLAR INDUSTRY." "DOCTORS WILL START ADVERTISING ON TV." ""DO YOU HAVE TROUBLE SLEEPING 12-14 HOURS A NIGHT?"" "SOMETIMES I WAKE UP AFTER NINE OR TEN HOURS." ""ARE CARTOONS NOT AS FUNNY AS THEY USED TO BE?"" "WE'RE IN A POLITICAL AREA." "DO YOU GUYS THINK, UH, THE PRESIDENT" "SHOULD GET HIS JOB BACK?" " NO!" "[scattered boos]" " REALLY?" "HE GETS A LOT OF CREDIT FOR, UH, BEING ON THE LOOKOUT" "FOR OSAMA BIN LADEN AND KILLING THAT MOTHER[bleep], RIGHT?" "OSAMA BIN LADEN, LIVING IN THAT RUN-DOWN COMPOUND" "FOR YEARS" "WITH HIS 3 WIVES AND 11 KIDS." "I HAVE A THEORY THAT OSAMA BIN LADEN" "CALLED THE NAVY SEALS HIMSELF." ""SOMEBODY [bleep] KILL ME" ""BEFORE I DO SOMETHING CRAZY." ""I'M AT 1313 [gibberish] BOULEVARD," ""ABBOTTABAD." "A-A-A-B-B-B-A-A- B-B-A-A-A-A" "B-B-B-A-A-B-A AS IN AAH!" "ANYBODY WHO WANTS TO COME ONSTAGE." "IT HAS TO BE VOLUNTEER ONLY." "THIS IS GONNA BE-- LOOK AT THIS GUY, WOW." "YOU GOT [bleep] BALLS FOR COMING OUT." "THAT'S [bleep] AWESOME." "YOU COULD STAY." "YOUR BUDDY COULD STAY." "HOLY SHIT." "THIS IS TOO [bleep]" "OH, MY GOD, WHEN DID HAROLD [bleep] KUMAR?" "LOOK AT THIS, WE GOT THE [bleep] BOB'S BIG BOY UP HERE." "THE F-- [laughs]" "HOLY SHIT, YOU GOT THE BIGGEST TITS UP HERE." "WHAT'S UP, MAN, HOW YOU DOING?" " WHAT'S UP, BRO?" " NICE TO SEE YOU, BUDDY." "ARE YOU REALLY ON THE REDSKINS?" " DAMN RIGHT." " WHAT POSITION DO YOU PLAY?" "[bleep]... [laughs]" "BOTTOM?" "YOU GOT BRASS BALLS COMING UP HERE" "TO GET [bleep] SPEED-ROASTED." "THIS GUY HAS SEEN MORE LIFE EXPERIENCE" "THAN I'M EVER GONNA SEE" "OR MOST PEOPLE WILL EVER SEE IN THEIR LIVES." "I TALK SHIT FOR A LIVING." "I LIVE IN A COUNTRY WHERE FREE SPEECH" "IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME." "SO THESE GUYS OVER HERE," "AND THIS [bleep] TOUGH MANIAC OVER HERE," "PROTECTS MY RIGHT FOR FREE SPEECH." "[cheers and applause] YEAH." "YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON FROM THE HOSPITAL" "EVER TO COME UP ONSTAGE DURING ONE OF MY SHOWS," "AND HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE [bleep] HAPPENED TO YOU," "BUT THIS IS A LONG WAY TO GO TO LOSE WEIGHT." " I KNOW, RIGHT?" " I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING A [bleep] BLAST." " I DID, IN AFGHANISTAN." " WHAT?" " I SAID I DID HAVE A BLAST, IN AFGHANISTAN." " [laughs] [bleep] AWESOME." "AWESOME." "FUNNY MOTHER[bleep]." " I WAS EXPECTING TO TAKE A BOW." " TAKE A BOW?" "[laughs]" "I'LL TAKE ONE WITH YOU." "YOU READY?" "WE'LL DO IT TOGETHER-- HOLY SHIT." "SOMEBODY'S GOTTA [bleep] THIS GUY." " HEAR YE, HEAR YE!" "ALL THAT TALK ABOUT FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION" "MADE ME WANT TO TAKE IT TO THE LIMIT." "SO I TOOK THE DAY OFF" "AND HEADED TO THE SUNSHINE STATE." "YOU ALL LOOK VERY BEAUTIFUL." "WHOOP." "FORGET SPEED-ROASTING, I WAS ROASTING IN MY SPEEDO." "[disco music]" "♪" " USA!" "USA!" "USA!" " SIR, PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON AND EXIT THE WATER IMMEDIATELY." "♪" " AM I IN TROUBLE?" " YEAH, YOU ARE." " FOR WHAT?" " PLEASE STOP THE FILMING." "YOU DO NOT HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO FILM ME." "STEP OVER TO THE LIFEGUARD TOWER, PLEASE." "AND LET'S NOT MAKE A SCENE" "BEFORE THEY PULL UP THE PADDY WAGON." "all:" "ROSS!" "ROSS!" "ROSS!" " UH-OH, BUSTED FOR DESECRATION OF THE FLAG?" "WELL, I TALKED TO THE COPS, AND THEY LET ME OFF WITH A WARNING." "APPARENTLY, IT'S STILL ILLEGAL TO ROCK OUT" "WITH YOUR [bleep] OUT IN THIS COUNTRY." " JEFF ROSS!" " NEXT STOP, MINNEAPOLIS." "EVERY DAY'S ANOTHER ADVENTURE, YOU KNOW?" "YOU PASS THROUGH PLACES THAT YOU'VE NEVER BEEN," "AND YOU PASS THROUGH PLACES THAT YOU HAVE BEEN." "SO THERE'S ALWAYS ALL KINDS OF DIFFERENT EMOTIONS" "EVERY SINGLE DAY." "WHEN I WAS 17, I HAD SEX WITH SOMEBODY NAMED KAYLA," "AND SHE TRACKED ME DOWN THROUGH MY WEBSITE" "AND SAID SHE WANTED TO COME SAY HI," "SO I THINK SHE'LL BE THERE," "WHICH IS, UH, COOL AND WEIRD, AND, UH," "I GUESS KIND OF FUNNY." "I KNOW YOU GUYS CAN TAKE A JOKE," "AND I'M SORRY THAT THE, UH, VIKINGS" "AREN'T IN THE SUPER BOWL TOMORROW." "THAT'S-- [scattered boos]" "I'M REALLY SORRY, BUT LOOK," "AT LEAST YOUR WNBA TEAM WINS EVERY [bleep] CHAMPIONSHIP." "[cheers and applause]" "WHAT ARE THEY CALLED?" "all:" "LYNX!" "THE LYNX?" "MORE LIKE MISSING LINKS, WHAT THE [bleep]?" "THEY'RE [bleep] 8 FEET TALL, THOSE [bleep] WOMEN." "THEY'RE AWESOME THOUGH." "THEY'RE THE ONLY TEAM FROM MINNESOTA" "THAT DOESN'T PLAY LIKE GIRLS." "I HAVE SO MUCH-- - [woman] I LOVE YOU, JEFF ROSS!" " THANK YOU, SIR." "I LOVE YOU TOO, SIR." "I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO SOMEBODY FROM ST." "LOUIS PARK." "ARE YOU HERE?" "COME HERE, SAY HI FOR A SECOND." "HOLY SHIT, THIS IS NUTS." "WOW, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL." " HOW ARE YOU DOING?" " THAT IS SO CRAZY." "YOU TURNED OUT A LOT BETTER THAN I DID." "WOW." "YOU WANT TO TELL THE STORY OF WHAT HAPPENED?" "IT'LL BE REALLY FUN." " [laughs]" " IS THIS OKAY THAT I'M DOING THIS?" " DOES IT MATTER?" " NO." " YOU GOT A BABY!" " THAT WOULD BE CRAZY." "THAT WOULD BE CRAZY IF MY, LIKE, 20-YEAR-OLD SON" "CAME DOWN THOSE STEPS RIGHT NOW." " IT'S THE DUDE WITH THE BEER." " DON'T EVEN [bleep] WITH ME RIGHT NOW." "TOO SOON, TOO SOON." "THE WAY I REMEMBER IT, YOU SAID TO YOUR FRIEND SUE," ""I WANT TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY, AND THAT GUY JEFF" ""JUST HAPPENED TO BE OVER AT YOUR HOUSE," "SO I'M GONNA [bleep] THAT GUY TONIGHT."" "I WAS JUST SOME FAT LOSER WITH BRACES." " NO, NO, YOU WERE CUTE BACK THEN." "[both laugh]" " YOU HAD A MISSION, AND I HAPPENED TO BE THE LUCKY," "VERY LUCKY GUY" "WHO GOT TO PUT HIS 17-YEAR-OLD, 3-INCH PENIS" "INSIDE YOUR FOOT-LONG-DEEP, 18-YEAR-OLD," "SWEET, SUPER-TIGHT, DELICIOUS" "YOU KNOW, IT'S, LIKE, YOUR FIRST TIME," "AND IT'S ALWAYS VERY AWKWARD, BUT I REMEMBER IT, IN THE END," "LIKE, VERY BEAUTIFUL, AND A VERY FOND MEMORY" "OF HAVING SEX WITH YOU FOR 15 SECONDS" "IN SUE ARBETTER'S PARENTS'..." " PARENTS' BED." " BED." "[both laugh]" "WHICH BEGS THE OBVIOUS QUESTION," "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?" "[laughs]" "THAT WAS SO AWESOME." "THANK YOU, KAYLA." "WOW, WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED?" "HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN WATCHING THAT AIDS DOCUMENTARY ON FOX?" "all:" "NO." "I THINK IT'S CALLED GLEE." "I HOPE THOSE KIDS ARE OKAY, THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING." "BY THE TIME I GOT TO WISCONSIN, I WAS IN FULL ROAST MODE." "MADISON, HOLY SHIT, YOU PEOPLE ARE FAT." "NO OFFENSE." "WHAT DO YOU PUT IN THE WATER?" "CHOLESTEROL?" "I LOST MY VIRGINITY FROM SOMEONE FROM MINNESOTA." "I MOTORBOATED A DUDE TODAY." "IT WAS CRAZY." "YOU ARE FAT, WISCONSIN." "LOOK AT ME." "[cheers and applause]" "THIS IS SO CRAZY, WHAT ARE YOU?" "COME HERE A SECOND." "LOOK AT THAT!" "WAIT, THERE'S ANOTHER ONE!" "OH, MY GOD, COME UP HERE, FELLAS." "LET'S [bleep] TURN THIS INTO ERNEST GOES TO A COMEDY SHOW." "I WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOU GUYS [bleep] EACH OTHER," "LIKE COUSINS DO, WISCONSIN STYLE." "LET'S PUT THE "SIN" IN WISCONSIN." "ARE YOU GUYS RELATED OR MARRIED, OR WHAT'S THE STORY?" " NO." " YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER?" " NOPE." " HOW CAN TWO GUYS BE SO SIMILAR" "AND NOT EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER?" "[mocking guffaw]" "WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SIR?" " PAUL." " PAUL." "AND, UH?" " LEIF." " "LEAVE"?" "LIKE "GET THE [bleep] OUT OF HERE"?" "AND LOOK AT THIS." "HOW YOU DOING, BABY?" "COME HERE A SECOND." " OH." " IF YOU HAD TO [bleep] ONE OF THESE..." "ESCAPED PRISON INMATE" "I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THESE ARE." "[laughs]" "HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT HAVING THE EXACT SAME HAIR ON YOUR FACE" "AS I HAVE ON MY BALLS?" "ARE YOU OKAY WITH THAT?" " YEP." " I DIDN'T EVEN SEE THIS." "WHAT DO YOUR KNUCKLES SAY?" "COME HERE A SECOND." " "THE TRUTH."" " WHAT'S THAT?" " "THE TRUTH."" " THE TRUTH?" "THE TRUTH?" " YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH." " NO, I CAN HANDLE THE TRUTH." "IT'S YOU--I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN HANDLE THE TRUTH" "BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS YOU NEED A [bleep] BATH." "LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING." "YOU GUYS HAVE A GREAT WALK BACK TO THE WOODS." " THANK YOU." " ALL RIGHT?" "TELL MOM AND DAD AND COUSINS ALL I SAID HI." " BEING ON THE ROAD CAN BE LONELY." "ALL RIGHT, NOW SHOW YOUR HEINIE." "WHOO!" "SO BY THE TIME I GOT TO VEGAS..." " HEY, JEFF!" " I WAS READY TO BANG ANYBODY." "I'D LIKE TO DOUBLE DOWN ON THOSE RIGHT NOW, WHOO!" "I'M ALL-IN." "I LOVE COMING TO VEGAS, MAN." "I WANTED TO STAY AT NEW YORK, NEW YORK," "BUT IT WAS TOO EXPENSIVE," "SO I STAYED AT NEWARK, NEWARK." "THERE'S A GUY TAKING A SHIT IN THE LOBBY." "I LIKE WHEN YOU FLY IN, YOU SEE THE LUXOR." "YOU SEE THAT [bleep]" "THAT BAT-LIGHT FOR [bleep] HOOKERS GOING." "THE TRAMP LAMP." "YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN VEGAS WHEN YOU SEE THAT SHIT," "RIGHT, HONEY-TITS?" "I WENT TO THE DAVID COPPERFIELD SHOW." "THAT WAS INCREDIBLE." "HE DID HIS BEST TRICK EVER." "HE MADE CRISS ANGEL DISAPPEAR." "WHA-HA!" "GONE!" " I WANT YOUR SHOES, BITCH!" " I WANT YOUR SHOES, BITCH." "I WANT MY BALLS IN YOUR MOUTH, BITCH." "IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT IN VEGAS." "THIS IS A SONG THAT MY DAD USED TO PLAY FOR ME" "RIGHT BEFORE HE USED TO STICK HIS PINKIE IN MY ASS[bleep]." "[playing Dueling Banjos]" "THAT'S THE ONLY PART I KNOW." "I USED TO PASS OUT RIGHT AFTER THAT PART." "♪" "I REMEMBER THE LYRICS." "THE LYRICS WERE..." ""SHH."" "I KNOW IT'S MARCH MADNESS." "WE MUST HAVE SOME SPORTS FANS IN THIS WEEKEND." "I'M MORE OF A FOOTBALL FAN MYSELF." "I LOVE FOOTBALL." "TOO SOON FOR THE PENN STATE SEX SCANDAL JOKES?" "all:" "NO!" "IN HONOR OF THE RECENT DEATH OF COACH JOE PATERNO," "I THINK WE SHOULD ALL TAKE 12 YEARS OF SILENCE." "HEY, I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO LIVE IN A COUNTRY" "WHERE A COACH CAN'T WASH HIS PLAYERS' LEGS" "AFTER A WORKOUT." "LET'S NOT FORGET WHO THE REAL VICTIMS ARE," "THE GUYS WHO WORK AS JANITORS IN THE PENN STATE LOCKER ROOM." "HEY, I CARE, PEOPLE." "I READ THE [bleep] TEN-PAGE INDICTMENT." "I [bleep] TWICE." "I HAD TO PUT IT DOWN." "WE LOST TWO GREAT COMEDIANS FROM THE ROAST WORLD LAST YEAR," "PATRICE O'NEAL AND GREG GIRALDO." "IF YOU KNOW THOSE GUYS, SHOW 'EM SOME LOVE." "IF YOU DON'T KNOW 'EM, LOOK 'EM UP, BUY THEIR STUFF." "IT'S WORTH IT, I PROMISE." "YOU KNOW, WHEN COMEDIANS LOSE PEOPLE," "WE FEEL PAIN MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE." "THAT'S OUR TRADE, PAIN." "IT WAS SO SAD WHEN MY FAVORITE RAPPER," "RIGHT HERE IN VEGAS, TUPAC, WAS MURDERED." "I GUESS NOW HIS NAME WOULD MAKE MORE SENSE BACKWARDS, RIGHT?" "CAPUT." "[strumming guitar riff]" "♪" "FOR YEARS, I THOUGHT TUPAC SHAKUR" "WAS A JEWISH HOLIDAY." ""WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR TUPAC SHAKUR?"" ""I DON'T KNOW, IS THAT THE ONE" "WHERE YOU DON'T EAT FOR 24 HOURS?"" ""I THINK IT'S THE ONE WHERE YOU GET SHOT IN THE FACE" "IN LAS VEGAS."" ""OH, OKAY."" "IN HONOR OF MY DAD, JOE PATERNO, STEVE JOBS," "TUPAC, GREG, AND PATRICE," "ROAST IN PEACE." "♪" "LOOK AT THESE [bleep] PEOPLE." " [laughs]" " RIGHT?" " THAT'S MY DAUGHTER, YEAH." " HOW LONG HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN RELATED?" " 23 YEARS." " "TWENTY-TWEE" YEARS?" " "TWENTY-TWEE," YEAH." " JESUS." " I'M FROM BOSTON." " HE'S FROM BOSTON!" " YOUR [bleep] BREATH SMELLS LIKE HER [bleep]," "THAT'S ALL I KNOW." " YEAH, [bleep] RIGHT." "DON'T GET SMART STANDING WHERE YOU ARE, MOTHER[bleep]." " [laughs] - [laughs] OKAY, THERE, UH..." "WERE YOU CROSBY, STILLS, OR NASH?" "I NEVER GET" "WOW, MAN, I CAN'T WAIT TILL WE" " WELL, YOU'RE BETTER LOOKING ON [bleep] TV, I KNOW THAT." " THANK YOU, YOU'RE VERY UGLY IN PERSON," "JUST FOR THE RECORD." " THANK YOU." " WOW, AND WHO THE [bleep] IS THIS?" " I'M THE ONE THAT'S BEEN YELLING AT YOU" "ALL [bleep] NIGHT." " WOW, WAY TO GO, YOU [bleep] [bleep]." " WHOO!" " HOW DID SHE GET UP HERE AFTER ALL THAT?" "WHAT THE [bleep] IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?" " GIVE ME YOUR SHOE, BABY." " SHH SHH SHH." "WHY IS THIS [bleep] DRUNK PERSON UP HERE?" "SOMEONE-- THANK YOU, THANK YOU." " GOOD JOB, JEFFREY." " OKAY, THANK YOU." "YOU GUYS ARE VERY DISGUSTING." " [bleep] YOU." " WOW." "OH, MY GOD." " I HEARD YOU LIKE OLDER WOMEN." " OH, MY GOD." "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" " BEA ARTHUR." " [laughs]" " I'LL DO THE JOKES, GLADYS, OKAY?" "WOW, YOU ARE F" " I WANT YOU TO KNOW, THAT'S MY DAUGHTER." " [laughs]" "OH, MY GOD, WE GOT THE WHOLE [bleep] CAST" "OF THE GOLDEN GIRLS HERE TODAY." " DON'T KNOCK IT TILL YOU'VE TRIED IT." " WHAT'S THAT?" " DON'T KNOCK IT TILL YOU'VE TRIED IT." " I'LL [bleep] TRY THE KNOCKERS ANY TIME YOU LET ME." " I LIVE IN VEGAS, AND THESE ARE REAL." " WOW." "I GOTTA JERK OFF RIGHT NOW." "OH, MY GOD, YOU ARE THE SEXIEST STRIPPER" "I'VE EVER SEEN." "WOW, LOOK AT YOU." "WHO DOES YOUR HAIR, THE JOKER?" "YOU ARE GONNA GET IT TONIGHT." "DON'T LEAVE." "DON'T LEAVE, DARLING." " FROM YOUR MOUTH TO GOD'S EARS." " WHAT'S THAT?" " FROM YOUR MOUTH TO GOD'S EARS." " WOW." "FROM YOUR MOUTH TO MY [bleep], HERE WE GO." "WHOO!" "OW!" "I GOT HIT!" "DID YOU CATCH THAT?" "SEVEN SHOWS IN A ROW!" " I SAW, I SAW." " THANK YOU." "WHY ARE YOU STILL UP HERE?" " 'CAUSE I LOVE YOU." " LOOK AT THIS, WE GOT-- THE VERIZON GUY'S HERE TONIGHT." "SIR, COME HERE A SECOND." "HOW YOU DOING?" "LET'S JUST GET YOU OUT OF THE WAY," "'CAUSE YOU LOOK CREEPY AS SHIT." "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" " MARK." " MARK?" "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DRINK WHILE YOU'RE ONSTAGE?" "YOU'RE ON [bleep] CAMERA RIGHT NOW, WHY WOULD YOU--?" " IS THIS COMEDY CENTRAL RIGHT NOW?" " NO, IT'S THE [bleep] HISTORY CHANNEL." "WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS?" "WHAT'S YOUR NAME, DARLING?" " ALICE." " GIVE IT UP FOR ALICE" "FOR BEING AN AMAZING SPORT." "SEXY AND BEAUTIFUL AND [bleep] COOL AS HELL." " COME ON, COUSIN JEFF," "LET'S SHOOT US SOME BIS-KEETS!" "PULL!" "both:" "OH!" "[laughter]" " THAT'S AWESOME." " PERFECT." "OH!" " DIE, HECKLER." "MY LAST STOP WAS NASHVILLE." "I FIGURED I'D HEAD IN A COUPLE DAYS EARLY" "TO HANG OUT WITH MY CRAZY COUSIN JOHN RICH." " WELCOME TO TENNESSEE, COUSIN." " WHOO-HOO!" " WHOO, DOGGIES!" " WAIT, WE'RE NOT REALLY COUSINS, ARE WE?" " PROBABLY NOT." " IF THERE'S ONE THING I LEARNED ABOUT THE SOUTH," "THEY TREAT EVERYBODY LIKE FAMILY." "WHAT'S UP?" "WHAT'S UP?" "HOO!" "YEAH!" "THANK YOU, MAN." "THANK YOU." "YEAH." "WHOO!" "HOT DIGGITY WHOO-HOO-HA!" "THESE BOOTS WERE MADE FOR ROASTING, MOTHER[bleep]." "WOW, WHAT A SHITHOLE." "I WANT TO SEE IF PEOPLE FROM NASHVILLE" "HAVE A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR, THAT'S MY GOAL." "I KNOW YOU HAVE A HIGH LIQUOR TOLERANCE." "WHAT'S THAT?" " I NEED ANOTHER COCKTAIL." " HOLY SHIT." "I NEVER HEARD ANYBODY SLUR AND STUTTER" "AT THE SAME TIME." "WOW." " YEAH!" "[incoherent shouting]" " GET HER A REALITY SHOW." "LOOK AT THIS [bleep] COUNTRY SNOOKI OVER HERE." "WHAT'S UP?" "YOU REALLY WANT TO COME UP HERE ALREADY?" " YEAH." " [bleep] CLIMBING OVER SHIT." " [slurring] BRING ME DOWN, BABY." "WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?" " OH, MY GOD, I'M GONNA GET SOME PURELL." "WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M GONNA DO?" "HELP." "NO, NOT REALLY." "I GOT THIS." " BRING IT." " I GOT THIS." " BRING IT." " WHAT'S YOUR STORY, BABY?" " I DON'T KNOW YET." " OH, MY GOD, IS YOUR PINKIE IN MY ASS[bleep] RIGHT NOW?" " I'M SUPPOSED TO BE-- I'M SUPPOSED TO BE AT HOME." " YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AT HOME?" " YEAH." " BUT THEY, UH, THEY REPOSSESSED IT?" " MAYBE." "MAYBE, I DON'T KNOW." "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" " MY WALLET BACK, FOR STARTERS." " YEAH." "[giggles] SHUT UP." "WHOO." " LOOK AT YOU." "I DIDN'T KNOW THEY PAID HOOKERS BY THE POUND AROUND HERE." "THAT'S [bleep] SWEET." " OH!" " [gibberish singing]" " I'M NOT THAT FAT." " NO..." "YEAH, YOU ARE, COME ON." "LET'S FACE IT." " UH" " I DID NOT EXPECT THE SHOW TO START OUT LIKE THIS." " DIS ME, DIS ME." "LET'S DO THIS." " ALL RIGHT, I GOT A GREAT IDEA." "IF YOU CAN STAND STILL FOR..." " I WILL." " FOR TEN--MOVE INTO THE LIGHT" "FOR FIVE SECONDS, ALL RIGHT?" "NO, TURN AROUND, TURN AROUND, TURN AROUND." "NO, NO, FACE ME." "WHAT THE [bleep] IS WRONG WITH YOU?" " OKAY." " YOU'RE READY TO GO, AREN'T YOU?" "YOU'D LET ME [bleep] YOU ON THIS KEYBOARD, WOULDN'T YOU?" "HOLD ON A SECOND, HOLD ON A SECOND, HOLD ON A SECOND." "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" " PAM." " OKAY, HOLD ON." "I JUST WANT TO SAY..." "THAT I'VE ALWAYS LOVED" " ACTUALLY" " SHH, SHH, SHH." " THAT'S OUR FOOD, ACTUALLY." " I LOVE YOU." "I'VE LOVED YOU" "SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THIS SHOW." "AND WITH THIS ONION RING, I THEE WED." "WILL YOU MARRY ME, PAM?" " YEAH!" " THANK YOU." " YAY!" " WOW." " YAY!" " THANK YOU FOR THE EBOLA VIRUS." "GIVE HER A ROUND OF APPLAUSE." "BE CAREFUL, PAM." "YOU'RE A GOOD SPORT." "OH, MY GOD," "I'M GETTING THE WHOLE [bleep] THING RIGHT HERE." "WOW, YOU HAVE THE TITS OF AN ANGEL" "AND THE ASS OF A PLUMBER." "BABY JESUS." "LIFE IS SHORT, MAKE AS MUCH LOVE AS POSSIBLE." "I MEAN, I READ A CRAZY ARTICLE" "IN THE NEW YORK TIMES SCIENCE SECTION." "SOME OF YOU MAY HAVE SEEN THIS." "SOME MEDICAL RESEARCHERS THINK THAT BLOW JOBS" "COULD POTENTIALLY CAUSE CANCER." "DON'T PANIC, LADY." "IT'S NOT PROVEN YET." "SOME DOCTORS THINK THAT THERE COULD BE A VIRUS" "IN THE MAN'S SEMEN THAT, IF IT GETS IN YOUR THROAT," "COULD CAUSE CANCER." "THEY HAVEN'T PROVED IT YET." "WE'LL KNOW WHEN THAT'S PROVEN" "'CAUSE THAT'LL BE THE BIGGEST STORY IN HISTORY." "OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT, BLOW JOBS CAUSE CANC--WAIT, HOLD ON." "[exhales]" "WE FOUND A CURE FOR BLOW JOB CANCER." "WHEW!" "SORRY, BREAST CANCER," "YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT A LITTLE LONGER." "DOCTORS HAD AN EMERGENCY." "I REPEAT, BLOW JOBS DO NOT CAUSE CANCER." "THAT WOULD BE TOUGH NEWS TO SWALLOW." "BACK TO YOU, KATIE." "THANKS, BOB." "IN OTHER NEWS, JEFF ROSS IS IN TOWN." "NO, I DON'T KNOW IF I'M A GOOD LOVER." "I'M GOOD AT THE-- THE BUILD-UP, YOU KNOW?" "THE--THE RAMP-UP." "THE PREPRODUCTION." "THE, YOU KNOW, THE FOREPLAY." "WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO THE-- [imitates bed squeaking]" "I'M GONE IN 60 SECONDS." "I TOLD MY GIRLFRIEND WE NEED A SYSTEM, YOU KNOW?" "KEEP ME FROM HAVING AN ORGASM SO FAST." "I SAID, "WHAT IF YOU JUST, LIKE, WHISPER" ""IF WE HAD A CODE WORD THAT YOU JUST WHISPERED" ""THAT WOULD MAKE ME, LIKE, FLIP THE SWITCH IN MY HEAD" "AND NOT-- AND JUST LAST LONGER."" "SHE SAYS, "WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT YOUR CODE WORD TO BE?"" "AND I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW?" "I JUST THOUGHT OF THE WORST THING EVER" "THAT CAME TO MY MIND." "I SAID, "I DON'T KNOW, JUST SAY, UH," "JUST SAY 'HOLOCAUST.'"" "COUPLE MORNINGS LATER, WE'RE MAKING LOVE, AND" "NOTHING BETTER THAN SOME MORNING LOVE," "AND WE'RE HAVING SOME GRITS AND BAGELS." "AND WE'RE MAKING LOVE, AND IT'S JUST BEAUTIFUL," "AND SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL, I'M ABOUT TO EXPLODE." "AND SUDDENLY, SHE WHISPERS IN MY EAR, SHE SAYS," ""I CAN'T BELIEVE THOSE POOR 6 MILLION JEWS WHO DIED" "IN THE CONCENTRATION CAMP AT AUSCHWITZ."" "I WAS LIKE, "WHAT THE [bleep] ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" "I DON'T WANT A WIKIPEDIA PRINTOUT RIGHT NOW."" "THEN I [bleep] ON HER TITS AND KILLED" "ANOTHER 6 MILLION JEWS." "TOO SOON?" "NEVER TOO SOON." "[bar piano music]" " ALL RIGHT, NASHVILLE, LET'S FINISH THIS UP" "WITH A POEM." "[cheers and applause]" "YEAH!" "[bleep] YEAH!" "THIS IS AWESOME!" "THIS IS MEGAN MULLINS, AN AMAZING, AMAZING MUSICIAN." "JOHN RICH, ONE OF THE TOP SONGWRITERS IN HISTORY." " I TRIED TO FIND A COWBOY HAT TO FIT YOU." " [laughs]" " I LOOKED ALL DAY." "I FOUND A COUPLE THAT WOULD FIT YOUR HEAD," "BUT NONE OF 'EM COVERED UP YOUR FACE," "SO I DECIDED NOT TO BUY ANY OF 'EM." " WOW, I LOVE THAT." " TODAY, WE WERE SHOOTING GUNS, AND" "AND IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT YOU THOUGHT A 9-MILLIMETER" "WAS A BIG GUN." "BUT THEN IT ALSO OCCURRED TO ME" "THAT YOU MEASURE YOUR [bleep] BY CENTIMETERS." " [laughs] [mic thuds]" "THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ROASTING THE ROASTMASTER." "BIG  RICH." "SAVE A HORSE (RIDE A COWBOY)." "HOW ABOUT SAVE MY EARDRUMS, WRITE A NEW SONG?" "HUH." "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH." "JOHN RICH HAS DONE FOR COUNTRY MUSIC" "WHAT FLAVOR FLAV HAS DONE FOR COUNTRY MUSIC." "[bluegrass music]" "♪" "WOW." "MUSIC CITY." "♪ [whistling]" "IF YOU'RE WITH SOMEBODY YOU CARE ABOUT," "YOU MIGHT WANT TO JOIN HANDS." "THIS IS A LOVE POEM." "IT'S CALLED BABY, MOVE OVER." "♪" ""BABY, MOVE OVER." "I'M ON THE WET SPOT."" "♪" ""[bleep] YOU, BABY." "YOU MOVE OVER." "IT'S YOUR WET SPOT."" "♪" ""[bleep] YOU, BABY." "IT'S OUR WET SPOT."" ""I'M SLEEPING ON THE COUCH."" ""ALL RIGHT, WELL, NICE MEETING YOU."" "THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYBODY." "I LOVE YOU GUYS SO, SO MUCH." "♪" "I JUST WANT TO SAY, UH," "I'VE BEEN IN SO MANY CITIES ON THIS TOUR," "AND I HAVE LEARNED SO MUCH." "AMERICANS EVERYWHERE I GO HAVE A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR," "ESPECIALLY ABOUT THEMSELVES." "SO THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING GREAT SPORTS." "I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN SOON, BUT NOT TOO SOON." "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH." "THANK YOU." "[cheers and applause]" "BYE, EVERYBODY." "BYE, EVERYBODY." "THANK YOU." " ENOUGH WITH THE BREAD ALREADY." " WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" " COURTNEY." "COURTNEY." "I GOTTA JUST JERK OFF FOR A SECOND." "I GOTTA JERK OFF." "HOLD ON." "I GOTTA JERK OFF RIGHT NOW." "THIS IS THE BEST JOB EVER."