"(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "(theme song ending)" "Ricky, time to get up!" "Ricky, time to get up." "Aw, come on, now, honey." "You said you had an appointment at 11:00 and it's after 10:00." "(groans)" "All right, you asked for it." "♪ Babalu!" "Babalu!" "♪" "♪ Babalu-aye!" "♪" "All right, all right, all right, all right!" "All right, I'll get up." "All right." "Ricky!" " Ricky!" " Yeah?" "Did you find out when you're going to do your TV audition?" "No, I didn't." "You did, too." "I did not." "It's any day now." "They're going to tell me whenever they're ready." "You know, I've been thinking about shows like Bums and Allen." "George Burns uses his wife on the show." "Why don't you?" "I'd love to." "You think she would leave George?" "Oh..." "Well, I know one thing-- you'll never be a success on television." "And what do you mean by that, pray tell?" "Because you don't have a pretty girl in your act, that's why." "(under his breath):" "Here we go again." "I'll get along." "Everybody knows that you have to have a pretty girl in your act to demonstrate the sponsor's product." "Really?" "Sure." "She eats it or drinks it or waxes a floor with it or cuts potatoes with it or drives off in it." "Or smokes it." "$0?" "So how would you like to have your sponsor's product demonstrated by a gorgeous redhead?" "I'd love it." "Oh, you would?" "You know where I can find one?" "Oh!" "Ay-ay-ay!" "(shouting in Spanish)" "Now what are you doing?" "I'm looking for my ear." "Oh..." "You didn't really lose an ear." "Eh?" "How's that?" "Oh, stop it." "Honey, you know how I feel about this." "I don't want my wife in show business." "Why not?" "Oh, Lucy, we've been over this 10,000 times." "I want a wife who's just a wife." "Now, all you have to do is clean the house for me, bring me my slippers when I come home at night, cook for me and be the mama for my children." "You never wear your slippers." "It doesn't matter." "Just do the others." "You're missing a good bet." "Huh?" "I say, you're missing a good bet." "Am I?" "Yeah." "How you figure?" "Because I can sing." "Oh?" "And dance." "What else?" "And tell jokes." "How about it?" "No." "No?" "No." "Oh, you have no imagination." "I'll bet if Ziegfeld or Earl Carroll had seen me, they'd sign me up like that." "As what?" "As a beautiful show girl." "(doorbell rings)" "Go answer the door." "Oh!" "(whistling)" "Oh." "Hey, Rick, have I got news for you!" "Tonight's the night." "Your audition's tonight." "Shh!" "I don't want Lucy to hear." "Oh." "Oh, well, the network big shots are coming down to the club tonight to audition your show for TV." "How do you know?" "Well, read this telegram." "I opened it by mistake." "Oh, here's some mail for you." ""Dear Mr. Ricardo, we're coming down to the Tropicana to catch your show tonight."" "Oh, Fred, that's wonderful!" "For goodness' sakes, don't tell Lucy, will you?" "If she knows the audition is tonight she'll be pestering the life out of me trying to get into the act." "How am I going to get rid of her for the day?" "Well, you could lock her in the bathroom." "If she stays in there as long as Ethel does, she'd never even know the door's locked." "No, Fred, I can't do that." "Let's see what we got in here." "Boy, what is this?" "What is all that stuff?" "Oh, it's our wills." "The attorney wants us to sign them." "Wills?" "Oh, that's a happy thought." "Listen, if my show is not a success tonight," "I'm going to need them." "Well, I wish I could help you." "I wish you could figure a way to get rid of Lucy." " Yeah?" " Hey, I know." "I'll have her take these things down to the attorney." "His office is way downtown." "Well, that ought to do it." "Now-Now-Now, listen, can I come and hear the rehearsal tonight?" " Sure." "Remember now-- tonight's the night." "Knock 'em dead!" ""Shh!" ""Shh!" "(mouthing words)" "(humming "A Pretty Girl ls Like a Melody")" "♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da ♪" "♪ Da-da, da-da-da-da ♪" "♪ Da-da-da-da... ♪" "(drumbeat)" "Lucy..." "Yes?" "No." "Oh, Ricky!" "Don't you want to know who was at the door?" "Who was it?" "Your agent?" "Does he know when the TV audition is?" "What'd he say?" "What'd he say?" "No, it wasn't my agent;" "it was the mailman." " Oh." "He brought some papers for us to sign and we got to take them down to the attorneys." "It's my will." "Well, I'll get your breakfast." "Your will?" "!" "Yes." "What's the matter, Ricky?" "Nothing is the matter." "There is, too." "You're keeping something from me." "(gasps):" "You're sick!" "I never felt better in my whole life." "Then you lied to me when we were married." "You're really older than I think." "Now, look, honey, it's just good business." "The lawyer says I should have a will." "Then everything is legally taken care of if anything happens." "I won't discuss it." "Oh, look, honey, you have to know how things are arranged so you know what to do when I, uh... when I go." "Oh, all right, Ricky." "That's better." "(wailing)" "Now what's the matter?" "Oh, Ricky, I miss you so." "For goodness' sakes, Lucy," "I haven't gone yet." "Don't go, Ricky, don't go." "Now, look, honey, I'm perfectly well." "I feel fine." "But let's face it." "We all have to go sometime." "We do?" "We do, unless you know something the rest of us dunt." "No, I "dunt."" "I'll get your breakfast." "All right, honey." "He brought your will along, too." "My will?" "Yeah." "What for?" "You're the one that's going." "Now, Lucy..." "What are you trying to do-- shove me ahead of you in line?" "Now, look, honey, this isn't my idea-- it's the lawyer's." "We got to get them signed, and you got to take them down to the attorney's today." "Impossible." "I have an appointment to have my hair dyed-- washed." "They got to go today." "Now, come on." "Oh, Ricky, the attorney's way downtown." "It'll take me all day." "Yeah, I know." "Oh, can't they wait?" "Absolutely not." " Well, why not?" " Well. .." "Well, suppose you didn't take them down till tomorrow." "Yes?" "And we both got killed today." "Yes?" "How could you take them down tomorrow?" "Oh, yeah, that's right." "RICKY:" "♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole... ♪" "BAND:" "♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole... ♪" "♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah!" "♪" "♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah. ♪" "All right, all right, fellows." "That's pretty bad, you know." "If you're going to sing, don't go:" "♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah. ♪" "Let's go:" "♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah!" "♪" "Let's put some pep into the thing." "What's the use of having a rehearsal if we're not going to do it right?" "Buffo, aren't you ready yet?" "MAN:" "I'm ready." "Go ahead with my music." "All right, give me the clown music, fellows." "(playing circus march)" "All right, wait, wait, wait a minute." "Listen, aren't you going to do the cello bit first?" "No, I'm going to do the handstand on the handlebars." "Oh, okay." "(music resumes)" "Buffo!" "What happened there?" "Hey, Buffo!" "What happened, kid?" "The brakes locked." "The brakes locked?" "Oh, my goodness." "Sit down here." "Are you all right?" "I don't know." "He ought to lie down for a little while." "I'd better go home." "Yeah, and I'll go with him." "Where do you live?" "Staten Island." "(moans)" "Look, you don't have to take him all the way home." "Why don't you take him to my apartment, Fred?" "There's nobody there." "All right, come on, Buffo." "I'd better get the bicycle." "I want to see if it's all right." "Never mind the bike." "I'll mind that." "You take care of yourself." "Don't worry about tonight." "I'll be okay." "All right, give me seventh in the books." "Let's try it, huh?" "Everybody on the downbeat." " Here we go." "(playing discordant notes)" "Ay-ay-ay!" "What kind of a start is that, fellows?" "(all shouting at once)" "(screaming)" "It's me" " Buffo." "It's Buffo!" "Buffo, you scared me to death." "What are you doing here?" "I got hurt at rehearsal this afternoon, and Ricky said I could come over here and lie down for a while." "Oh... what rehearsal?" "Are they getting ready for that TV audition?" "Sure, the show's tonight." "Tonight?" "Why, that big bum." "So that's why he sent me on a wild-goose chase-- just to get rid of me." "Well, are you all right, Buffo?" "Will you be able to do the show tonight?" "Well, I guess I can, if the bicycle works." "The brakes locked." " Oh." "l'll take a look at it." "Oh, you got it here." "Yeah." "How is it?" "Seems all right." "Wait till I try it, huh?" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Here." "Buffo, are you badly hurt?" "Oh, you'd better tell Ricky to get somebody else." "But who?" "I don't care." "Why don't you take my place?" "Me?" "Oh, don't be ridic..." "♪ Yo quiero pedir que mi negra me quiera ♪" "♪ Que tenga dinero y que no se muera ♪" "♪ Yo le quiero pedir ♪" "♪ A babalu ♪" "♪ Una alegra mona como tu ♪" "♪ Que no tenga otro negro para que no se muera. ♪" "(shouts)" "I Calla!" "[Suave]" "♪ Babalu!" "Babalu!" "♪" "♪ Babalu-aye!" "♪" "♪ Babalu!" "♪" "(shouts)" "Yeah!" "[Suave]" "(shouts)" "Arriba!" "♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole... ♪" "♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole ♪" "♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole... ♪" "♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole ♪" "♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪" "♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪" "♪ Arriba con la conga ♪" "♪ Arriba con la conga... ♪" "Yeah!" "Arriba!" "I Ole!" "Yeah!" "Arriba!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "Yeah!" "Hey!" "Isn't Buffo here yet?" "No sign of him anywhere." "Oh, that's a fine thing." "Look at that, the sponsors are here." "What am I going to do?" "They don't look too happy." "Are you kidding?" "For them, that's hilarious." "Well, I'll just have to wrap up the show." "That's all I can do." "Ladies and gentlemen, we thank you very much for being such a wonderful audience but we'll have to conclude the show because..." "Have you seen a fellow named "Risky Riscardo"?" "I'm looking for a fel..." "I'm looking for a feller named..." " Who are you looking for?" "(yells)" "Who are you looking for?" "I'm looking for a feller named Risky Riscardo." "Well, I'm Ricky Ricardo." "Oh, well, pleased to meet you." "Pleased to meet you." "Do you know where I'd find Risky Riscardo?" "Now, look, clown, we're doing a show here, you know." "Ooh, I know, I know, yeah." "Well, what do you want?" "I want to be in the band." "Oh, you're a musician." "I am?" "Oh, I am, I am, yeah." "Where do I sit?" "Hey, wait!" "Come back here!" "Now, look, come back here." "Wait a minute." "What do you think you can do?" "You think you can just walk up here and start working with a band just like that?" "Just like that?" "What do you think this is?" "First of all, I'll have to see your credentials." "(gasping)" "Listen, tell me something, professor-- have you had any experience?" "Come over here, please." "Professor, come right over here." "(drum beating with footsteps)" "Look, tell me something, do you play that thin'?" "How's that?" "I said, "Do you play that thin'?"" "What "thin"?" "Never mind making fun of my English." "That's English?" "Do you play that instrument?" "Where?" "Over there." " Where?" " There." " Where?" " Right there." "Oh, there!" "Do you play it?" "Well..." "Yeah." "Well, I tell you what we'll do-- we'll give you an audition." "Huh?" "We'll listen to you." "Play something for us." " No!" " That's right." " Now?" " Right now." "Oh, my, will you help me?" "I'll help you out, sure." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "(drumbeats)" "(drumroll)" "(drum riffs)" "(drumroll)" "(cymbal tap)" "Well, here you are, professor." "Gracias." "Gracias to you, too." "(ratcheting)" "(drumbeat)" "(drumbeat)" "(drumbeat)" "(cymbals clash)" "Yes, professor?" "(mouthing words)" "Oh, se quiere acompanamiento con orquesta." "Huh?" "Que se quiere acompanamiento con orquesta." "Como lo quiere?" "En cuatro, en dos andante, moderate, por arriba?" "g Como Io quiere?" "Gracias." "All right, all right." "We'll go with the professor." "On the downbeat, professor, we'll go with you." "Anytime you're ready, professor, we'll go with you." "(mouthing words)" "(yells)" "(band playing circus march)" "Yeah, boy!" "(drum solo)" "Look, professor, professor!" "Come over here, will you, please?" "Look, professor, I'm sorry but I haven't got any use for a cellist." "No!" "No." "I'll tell you what, though-- we have a brand- new instrument..." "Oh?" "And I've been looking for someone who can play it." "Oh." "And if you can play it..." "Eh?" "...you've got yourself a job." "Oh..." "Eh?" "..." "oh." "Eh?" "..." "oh." "You want to try it?" "Well, what is it?" "It's a saxovibatronophonavich." "Oh, a saxovibatronophonavich." "That's right." "You think you can play it?" "Oh, sure, sure." "Well, wonderful." "Bring it out here!" "The professor can play it." "We found someone who can play it." "Bring it out here." "Professor, we'll take care of the cello for you." "Here, take care of the professor's cello." "♪ It's a saxovibatronophonavich ♪" "♪ It's a saxovibatronophonavich ♪" " ♪ It's a saxovibatronophon- avich ♪" "Professor." "Professor." " ♪ It's a saxovibatron- ophonavich... ♪" "Professor." "(whistles) Professor!" "Right over here, please." "Now, look, professor-- all you got to do is give us a tune," "and you got yourself a job." " Right." " All right?" " Right." " Go to it." " Right." "(screams)" "That's it right there, professor." "That's it." "Go ahead, go ahead." "Give us a tune." "(honking "How Dry I Am")" "(hits sour note)" "(imitating seal bark)" "(whistle blows)" "(band playing circus march)" "Hey, professor!" "Professor!" "Hey!" "Ricky..." "Ricky, where you been?" "It's after 3:00." "Oh, Ricky, talk to me." "Oh, I was only trying to help-- honest." "I never dreamed they'd offer me a contract." "What are you going to do about it?" "What do you want me to do, Ricky?" "You know what I want." "I just want you to clean the house..." "Oh, I've been doing that ever since I got home." "And hand me my slippers when I come home at night..." "And cook for you and be the mama for your children." "Let's see you pull that out of your pocket." "Well, Ricky, that's what I wanted to talk to you about." "I have a surprise for you." "You do?" "Yes-- something that should make you very happy." "Lucy, you mean..." "Yes, darling." "Oh, gosh." "I baked your favorite pie." "(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "ANNOUNCER"." "The part of Buffo the Clown was played by Pat Moran." "I Love Lucy is a Desilu production."