"What is this?" "Something and eggs." "Theyellow stuffis the eggs." "This looks familiar." "I once cut that up in med school." "I know." "They're little Italian cigars." "I'll have mine after the theatre." " I'll eat whatyou don't want." " Your death wish is my command." "Twomounds ofmashedpotatoes forbreakfast?" "I think I used to go steady with that tray." "We could patent that, you know?" "Potato falsies." "Foul mouths!" "There is a lady present." "Well, where is there a lady present?" " Now there's a lady present." " What's this morning's breakfast?" " Last night's dinner." " Great." "That was yesterday's lunch." "Will you darn "foolskis" kindly cut the gabble-gabble?" " "Darn foolskis"?" " (Man On P.A.)Attention." "Offiicers'call willbeheld in ColoneIBlake's offiiceat0700hours." " Is that A.D. or B.C.?" " I don't know." "I was never sure about Henry." "Waitress, they're not paying their check!" "Oh!" "(Frank)lt wasajustanother disgraceful displayofthelack ofdiscipline." "I don't think it's asking too much for offiicers to be military at breakfast." "I can't throw up and salute at the same time." "I see Private Carter has come down with carnal flu again." " Get out ofthere!" " Yes, sir." " Can we be ofsome service, Colonel?" " Got an emergency at the front." "You're at the wrong place, Radar." "The emergency's at the front." " Radar, haveyou got that message from "I" Company command?" " I have that message, sir." ""'l' Company aid station sustained heavy shelling." "MASH 4077 to provide trained personnel until replacements arrive."" " That's it." " That's it?" "Did they enclose a check?" ""I" Company's a cheap outfiit." "Well, they could've sent something." "Their surgeon's been killed." "They need a new cutter, scrub nurse and a corpsman." " That's all, huh?" " Look, this is a very dangerous mission." "I'm not gonna blow any sunshine upyour skirts." "Anyvolunteers?" "I'll go." "What about a surgeon?" "Sure got quiet." "I don't want anything I say to be misinterpreted." "All right, fair is fair." "We'll draw straws." " Uh, sir, no straws." " Well, what haveyou got?" "Um, sausage from breakfast." "I told you theyweren't meant to be eaten." "Okay." "Whoever draws the short sausage volunteers." "Good luck..." "Hawk." "I should be excused." "I'm single." " I have the most kids." " You're making a mockery ofthis!" "I wouldn't make a mockery of drawing burnt sausages out ofa bed pan... to pick a volunteer for the Purple Heart." "I Sausages Rattling I" "Frank." "I Chuckling I" " I don't suppose there are three long sausages in there?" " No, sir." "Then I volunteer." "Hi, bunkie." " Welcome aboard." " (Henry)Okay, okay." "Now I gotta fiind someone to do the corpsmanjob." "I have the personnel cards right here, sir." "Just my luck, I'll get a lemon." " I'll pick one." " Idon't trustyou, Henry." "You always got something upyour sleeve." "That's fline." "All right, Father, you pick one." "Uh, you do trust Father Mulcahy?" "It says I should on all my money." "Ifyou can't believeyour money, who can you believe?" "Well... here we go." "Terrifiic." "I'm knocking my brains out to get sent home." " This assignment will get me there in a box." " Oh, no." "Ifl don't come back... this pink strapless number should go to that bigjob-- the blond from Minneapolis." "Yeah, she'll keep it up." "She's built like a brick blockhouse." "Oh, my mink." "I got this for my interview with that shrink at H.Q in Seoul." " I came that close to a Section Eight discharge." " I Chuckling I" "Then I saw the shrink's coat-- white fox, full-length." "He onlywore it on leaves." "It's not easywhen the doctors are nuttier than you are." " Give it to Lieutenant Brown." " Aw, come on." " You're gonna come back." "You'll be all right." " Write." "Tsk. "Mink to Lieutenant Brown."" "Ah, that's about it." "The rest isn't worth much." "Just to wear around the tent when you dust." "Areyou scared?" "Nah." "I'm from Toledo." "My motherwas mugged bringing me home from the hospital." " So long, buddy." " Yeah, I'll seeyou soon, huh?" "Sureyou will." " Hey, Klinger." " Huh?" "Uh, the" "Oh!" "Ofcourse." "Never in the afternoon." "You're making me nervous, Frank!" "This is no time to make me nervous." "I knowyou're sorry you didn't volunteer, Frank." "I knowyou didn't volunteer becauseyou're a married man." "It's practically monogrammed on your shorts." "And I knowyou can't leaveyourwife on account ofthe children." "That and the fact that everything is in her name." "Well, I'm a married man too, Frank-- married to the army." "I don't want the futureyou offer-- meeting behind garbage cans and behind laundry trucks." "When the war's over-- and nothing good lasts forever-- you'll go home, home toyourwife's bony arms." "I'll still be in the service." "I'm an army brat, Frank." "My fatherwas a colonel and my motherwas a nurse, and I was conceived on maneuvers." "The army's in my blood." "I need its discipline, its traditions." "I thrill to the sight ofa precise parade." "I could faint from looking down at my own brass." "That's why I volunteered, Frank-- to serve the army I love." "And don'tyou worry." "I'm coming back-- coming back toyou forwhatever time we have left together." "Because I'm notjust Major Margaret Houlihan, army nurse." "I'm also Margaret Houlihan-- frail, vulnerable, sensitive female." "And ifyou touch one nurse while I'm gone, I'll cutyour hands off!" "." " Listen, while I'm gone..." " Yeah." "Yeah, yeah." " promise meyou'll go out with other doctors." " Yeah, right." "And when you come back, knock twice and give me fiive minutes." "And I expect to fiind all my after-shave." "I marked the bottle." "I need that stuff." "It's my secret weapon." " You don't drink it?" " Areyou crazy?" "That'll kill ya." "I just gargle it." " It must be rough up at the front, huh?" " It is in the movies." "There's a letter in my locker." " Okay." " It's mywill." "Right." "I leave everything to the Benjamin Franklin Pierce Memorial Brothel." "I'll deliver it in person." "Shall we drink to Douglas MacArthur or lsh Kabibble?" "I don't know." "They both mean so much to me." "No kidding." "Let's drink to something important." "I Togetherl To the Ritz Brothers." "Jeep's ready, Hawk." "Come back soon." "I hate to play solitaire alone." "(Bang)" " Flat tire, sir." " Good thinking, Klinger." " Watch for snipers." " Yes, ma'am." "Is this more clever than saying "I ran out ofgas"?" "I had to arrange an entire Korean War, but I fiinally gotyou alone, Margaret." "Yeah." "I'll have the tire changed in two shakes." " You'll have it changed?" " Well, you're the surgeon." "We can't riskyour hurting your hands." "I Chuckles I I'm not gonna let a woman do that." " Don't think ofme as a woman." " Don't stand in profiile." " This is so ungallant ofme." " Consider it an order." "You are under me." "Would t'were that it were." " I Sighs I" " What?" " The leastyou could do is get out ofthejeep." " Oh." "Never let it be said I didn't do the least I could do." "(Explosions Continue)" "You'd never know this is an aid station." "Our red cross got blown off with the roof." "I fiinally make a house call, and the house is gone." "Klinger, come on." " I Coughs I" " Pierce." "Dever." " Dever, you wanna start that man on plasma right away." " Dennis." "I'll do the initial triage out here, and then, once I start operating... you and you will have to take care ofit, all right?" " Find someplace for this man to lie down, will you?" " Don." "(Explosions Continue)" "All right, we'll make this our sterile area." "Margaret." "We'll operate right on the litter." "They're about as sterile as anything we've got." "Put 'em up on these sawhorses here." "Klinger, prep the casualties over there." "Get a table or a box or something to put the instruments on." " Yes, sir." " All right, we're in business." "When you're all through, we'll print the invitations." " Yes, sir." " Margaret" " Yeah, get some ofthose and pour a lot ofalcohol into them." " Right." "This is Grumpy calling Snow White." "Grumpy calling Snow White." "Come in, Snow White." "This is Snow White." "Howyou doing, Klinger?" "Ah, we're setting things up." " Is it terrible?" " I Chuckles I" " It'll take a little work before it's only terrible." " (Explosion)" " What was that?" " I hope it wasjust another flat tire." "They're shelling us with live shells." "Exploding, live shells." "This is Grumpy signing off." "Uh, Sn-Snow White, over and out." "I Sighs I Good luck, Grumpy." " What's his blood pressure?" " 1 1 0 over 80." " Beautiful." "Keep him under." "I'm almost done here." " (Explosion)" "Margaret!" "Tape this up." "Try to keep the dust offhim." "Neatness counts." "Got a table for one here." "Right down front." "He can see the whole floor show." "I Groans I" "Okay, he's done." "Corpsman." "I'm afraid to move this one." "Start-Start some plasma on him." "He'll hold." "I Margaret I Doctor, I need you!" " Klinger." "Wash up." " Sir!" "Give me some more clamps, will ya?" "Come on over here." "I need some pressure on a bleeder here." "Come on." "Damn Stalin." "Truman." "Whoever." "Come on, Nurse, get with it." "Don'tyou see we need heavier silk?" "Frank, you'rejust sewing up an incision, not tying up the Queen Mary." "Oh, go mind your own beeswax." " Go ahead, Henry." "I'll fiinish up here." " Any news from the aid station?" "Notyet." "Frank, you got enough rope here for the last roundup." "Well, then you do it..." "sir." "It's unfair, making a surgeon work under these conditions." "Okay, put more pressure on it." " All right, that ought to hold him." " Thankyou, Doctor." "You'll be okay." "He's the best." "(Explosions Continue)" "How's the blood pressure now?" "They keep knocking the needle around." "You can start without me, Margaret." "I never cut a man open before." "I'm not a surgeon." "That never stopped me." "Assist the major." "Yes, sir." "(Large Explosion)" "How come they don't get tired?" "You gotta irrigate the wound fiirst." " It's diffiicult." " You may have to open the wound more." "You can do it." "Why should I have all the fun?" "(Explosion)" "Are they getting closer?" "It's an optical illusion." "You can't tell me they'd kill a medical person on a mission ofmercy." "They've already killed one surgeon here." "I told you, you can't tell me that." "More casualties coming in!" "ColoneIBlake, linsist thatyouorder Mclntyre tostopharassingme." "It's tough enough doing surgery under these primitive conditions." "Surgery?" "You medical moron." "You couldn't cut a salami without bungling it." " Oh, yeah?" " That's enough from both ofyou." " He started it!" " Frank, I swear I'm gonna put it in your record... you don't work and playwell with others." "## I Humming "God Bless America" I" "That's enough, Frank." "Fourteen choruses of"God Bless America" is enough." " Slacker." " What?" " I don't chew my cabbage twice." " I Knocking I" " Who is it?" " Another one ofyour gang." "Uh, it's me, sir." " Choppers, Radar?" " Uh, no, sir." "Um, sir, I'm not feeling too hot." "Maybe it's everything you ate." "No, sir." "Um, the thing ofit is..." "I'm, uh" " I'm lonely." "It's so quiet and everything." "It's okay, Radar." "You can sleep in Hawkeye's bunk." " Really?" " This is an offiicers' tent!" " Try to snore importantly, Radar." " Yes, sir." "And remember, Hawkeye would be very upset ifyou had an accident in there." " Oh, yes, sir." " Is that it?" "You're not going to tuck him in?" "No bedtime story?" "Radar, doyou want me to tuckyou in and tell you a bedtime story?" " No, sir." " That's it, Frank." " Then I'll turn this out." " Sir, uh, doyou have a night-light?" "Hi, guys." "(Trapper)Sorry, Henry." "Youcan't check in withoutbaggage." " (Frank)Anything we can do foryou?" " No, no." "I just stopped in for a nightcap." "I ran out." "In a few hours, that'll be gin." " Who's sleeping in that bed?" " Goldilocks." "Her number came up." " It's me, sir." " Oh." "What areyou doing here?" "Captain Mclntyre promoted him." "Frank, it's after 6:00." "You can stop being snotty." " Good night, Radar." " Good night, sir." "Nobodywent to the movie." "It's, uh, Sherlock Holmes." "The butler did it." "Aw, I was gonna see that tomorrow night." "I waskidding, Frank." "Themaiddidit." "Good movie." "It sure is quiet." "Guess you guys wanna go to sleep, huh?" " (Trapper)Henry?" " Yo?" "They're okay." " Yeah, sure." " Areyou worried about them?" "I sent them, remember, Frank?" "Their commanding offiicer?" "Back home, my biggest decisions are whether or not to have my own bowling ball made... and do I get the cat fiixed." "Sending people to the front's Just not my speed." "(Crickets Chirping)" "I Sighs I" "Would you like another can?" "No, thanks." "I ate before I left America." "Klinger's asleep." "Yeah, he collapsed about an hour ago." "Time flies when you're having fun." " He did good work." " He's a credit to his bloomers." "May I clear the table?" "Some dessert?" "Would you like to see the pastry tank?" "We have some military favorites:" "Napoleonic War, Pie Alamo, Caramel Custer." "No, thanks." "I Sighs Deeplyl" "We did it." "My lips are sealed." "Doyou suppose there are snipers out there?" "Ifthey're good union snipers, they are." "I wantyou to know, chivalry isn't dead." "It'sjust been replaced by exhaustion." "Good night, Captain." "Good night, Major." " Radar?" " Sir?" "Oh." "Sir, they're on theirway back." " Really?" " Yes, sir." "Klingerjust called and, uh, the replacements have arrived... and they're safe and they're okay and they're safe and everything." " I gotta have a drink." " Yes, sir." " You drank it all." " Radar, doyou believe me?" "I never have, sir." "Uh, you better tell Captain Mclntyre and Major Burns." "You know, some people arejust born to take charge." "You know what I mean, Radar?" "Yeah, I guess he knows what I mean." "Well, there it is." "Wemadeitback to the fort, EmmyLou." "I never thought I'd be happy to see that upholstered toilet again." " Excuse me, ma'am." " Major, I gotta tell you something." "But ifyou repeat this to anyone, I'll deny it." "You are my favorite offiicer in the whole U.S. Army." "Same goes for me, Major." "You're aces." "Thankyou, Corporal, Doctor." "I always go for the popcorn when it gets to the mushy part." "Right." "Okay." "Ready for the army again." "# Over hill, over dale #" "#We will hit the dusty trail #" "#As those caissons go rolling along #" "## I All Singing, Voices Overlapping I" "#As those caissons go rolling along #" "# For it's hi, hi, hee in the hoo-hoo, ha-ha hee #" "# Shout outyour numbers loud and strong ##" "Cold and noisy." "Those shells make a lot ofnoise." "I don't know how the guys in the war movies can take it." "I know." "Right." " But how was it?" " It was rough." "Klingerworked so hard, he got a run in his legs." "But, uh, how was the major?" "Pretty damn good." "You fiink." "Start from the top." " Oh, no, nothing like that." " Butyoujust said" "She worked like a trooper above and beyond the call." "Boy, your mind is in the gutter." "I can't help it." "It's attached to my body." "Come on, will ya?" "A man and a woman can have a constructive relationship... that's based on mutual respect." " Ofcourse." " You!" "Oh, I just love that." ""Dr. Pierce and I performed like a well-oiled machine undervery diffiicult circumstances." "It was an exhilarating experience."" "And I don't exhilarateyou, I suppose?" "You're not the easiest woman in the world to exhilarate, let me tell you that, Margaret." "I mean" " I mean, I don't want that to sound like it means what it sounds like." "I wasjust sojealous." "I missed you so." "I slept with one ofyour boots under my pillow." "Honest." "Really." "I wroteyou the longest love letter ofmy life." "It takes up almost a whole roll oftoilet paper." "Oh, Margaret." " Margaret, you're back." " I have a headache, Frank." "I knew it." "I knew it!" ""Well-oiled machine."" "Where is everything?" "I said give it away in case l--you know." " Yeah, I know, but" " The green neg was my favorite." " I was gonna wear it for dinner..." "my fiirst night back." " Well, I tried, but" "You guys at the rear have no respect for the front-line troops... stealing our dresses." "I just wish I could make out what it was I was eating." "All it needs is a little salt." "And pepper." "Mustard, catsup, sauce, flavor." "And, ofcourse, the coffee's cold again." "It's getting better." "It's less purple." "(Frank) Oh, this camp is impossible." "Idon'tbelieve the conditions we're expectedtoputup with." "Imean, really." "Iknowthere'sa wargoingon, but we can'tbe treatedlikeanimals."