"( upbeat blues theme playing )" "Just caught a whiff of something strange coming from outside." "It's like a combination of exhaust fumes, hair tonic and really cheap cologne." "Hello, wage slaves." "Bob's back." "That explains it." "Long time no see." "Kind of your life story, huh?" "Times like this, I don't mind." "Hello, Reggie." "Why are you here, Bob?" "I was in the neighborhood." "I meant on Earth." "Ah, admit it, slim." "You haven't been able to stop thinking about me since high school." "Bob, I never think about you." "Not when you're here, not when you're not here." "Never." "I'm not even thinking about you right now." "Seems like you're spending an awful lot of time not thinking about me." "I like that." "All right, just a word of warning:" "Don't anybody start bitching about what a lousy night you had, 'cause I guarantee ya, mine was worse." "Hey, slick, we were in the middle of a conversation here." "No, we weren't." "I never thought I'd say these words, but go on, Becker." "I come home last night, my apartment door is wide open." "Turns out somebody robbed me." "Oh, no." "Well, what did they get?" "Mm." "The only thing I have worth stealing: my computer." "Coffee to go, please." "Sure." "Sorry, Becker." "Well, did you call the police?" "No, I-I felt this was a job for the Rockettes." "The police were no help at all." "Did you slip the cop 10 bucks?" "BECKER:" "What?" "Whenever I deal with them, I always grease the guy." "I'm guessing you grease everything you touch." "Hey," "Little Stevie, no one asked you." "Look, if you don't wanna get screwed, you gotta learn how to finagle the system." "Case in point, don't be a sap and tell the insurance company it was just your computer that got stolen." "But it was just my computer." "No." "It was your computer, your CD player, your grandmother's jewelry, and, uh, that brand-new set of golf clubs." "So your brilliant advice is to cheat the insurance company." "Is that it?" "Last time Bob got robbed, he reported everything missing but the Hubble Telescope." "You know, I hate to say it, John, but the little ferret does make a point." "Sometimes it takes a little creative accounting to get what's rightfully yours." "You sound like you're talking from experience, Jake." "What, me?" "Oh, never." "Oh, please." "I've seen you count your register." "Half that cash goes right in your pocket." "Government's always giving money to people with disabilities." "I'm just cuttin' out the middleman." "But speaking of cheating, let's talk about your famous veal cutlet sandwich." "Jake." "Whoa, I-I eat that all the time." "Wha" " What's wrong with the veal?" "It's turkey." "( laughing )" "Ah, Reg." "Well, I couldn't stand to think of those cute little calves and how awfully they're treated, so I made a substitution." "Yeah, what" " What's humanitarian about charging veal prices for a turkey sandwich?" "Hey, you're gettin' a veal cutlet for 4.95." "Quit bitching." "Here I thought this was a nice little diner, turns out it's a den of thieves." "Now, come on, John, lighten up, would ya?" "Yeah, Becker." "Everybody does it." "Now, you see, that's what's wrong with the world." "Everybody says everybody does it, so everybody does it." "Well, not everybody does it, 'cause I don't." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Save it for the tourists." "Look, if you want a new computer, no questions asked, I know a guy." "Haven't you heard a word I said?" "I'm not that kind of guy." "You don't have to be." "My guy's that kind of a guy." "New rule, Bob." "From now on, you must be this tall to talk to me." "You got that?" "Look, do you want the computer or not?" "Margaret, what time's the insurance agent supposed to be here?" "All she said was sometime this morning." "Just relax." "Yeah, that's easy for you to say." "Have you ever been robbed?" "Oh, please." "I have lived in New York my whole life." "I was held up on prom night." "By my date." "Dr. Becker, I just want you to know that I feel your pain." "Oh, thank you, Linda." "You must feel so violated." "I mean, someone was in your home, touching your stuff, doing God knows what to all your private things." "How can you even feel safe to go to sleep at night knowing that not only was someone there," "( whispers ):" "but that they might come back?" "D-Don't you ever stop and think what you're about to say before you start talking?" "No, I like to hear it for the first time with everyone else." "Excuse me." "I'm Susan Fox from Evergreen Insurance." "Are you Dr. Becker?" "Yes, John Becker." "Thank you so much for coming." "I can't tell you how anxious I am to get this settled." "Well, I'm glad to be able to help." "At Evergreen Insurance, we pride ourselves on being there when you need us." "Oh, that's great." "S-Sit" " Sit down here." "Um-- Thank you." "Let's see, I got my, uh, original receipt for the computer." "Uh-huh." "As you can see, I spent $2,000." "Over here is the, uh-- The, uh, police report." "Well, you're certainly very organized, doctor." "And I would like to compliment you on your honesty." "A lot of people try to inflate their losses to take advantage of the "big bad" insurance company." "Uh, well, thank you, you know." "I-I believe in playing by the rules." "All right." "Well, it says here that with depreciation, your computer today would be worth $500." "Wha--?" "Wha--?" "Whoa" " Whoa-- Whoa" " Whoa." "I-I spent 2,000." "I" " I can't accept a check for 500." "Oh, I'm so glad you said that, because most people forget about their deductible." "Yours is $100, so I'm prepared to authorize a check for 400." "Well--?" "How am I supposed to get a new computer for that?" "I mean, what kind of scam are you people running?" "Oh, I know, I know, it's just terrible, isn't it?" "If ever there was a business in need of serious reform," "( whispers ):" "it's ours." "How am I supposed to replace a computer for $400?" "You know, it's interesting that you bring that up, actually, because I can offer you a more comprehensive coverage" "Ho" " Hold on, hold on, uh" "After burning me on my old policy, you're actually trying to sell me on a new one?" "Oh, I know, I know." "I just can't help myself." "Well, this is-- This is ridiculous." "I'm not gonna take this." "You know, I'm gonna sue you people." "I happen to have a very aggressive lawyer." "Just one?" "( laughing )" "So, Reggie, when are you gonna stop circling the airport and let Bob bring you in for a landing?" "I must have done something awful in a previous life to deserve this." "Yeah, but what did I do?" "Bob, let me ask you something." "What does your wife say about you coming in here and hitting on me?" "Due to a recent collagen incident," "Bob's wife is a little hard to understand." "( door opens )" "I swear, you could stick your hand into a puddle of swamp water and still come up with a higher form of life than your average electronics-store salesman." "For those of you playing along at home, the topic today is electronics stores." "You know, I-I have been to every discount store in this city looking for a computer for the lousy 400 bucks the insurance company gave me." "I've been to Crazy Achmed's," "Crazy Yitzaak's, Crazy Pablo." "If you're insane and you went through Ellis Island," "I've been in your store today." "You screwed yourself, Becker." "I told you to pad your insurance claim." "Well, excuse me for trying to play by the rules." "See, the only problem with playing by the rules is you end up playing with yourself." "Bob is touched by your tale of human misery." "Bob, don't be touched by me, and more importantly, don't touch me." "Understood." "So please allow Bob to reiterate his offer to put you in touch with Bob's guy." "So you're offering me a computer that just fell off the truck, is that right?" "All I'm saying is my guy will get you exactly what you need for precisely the 400 shekels you have to spend." "No questions asked." "The computer's hot, isn't it?" "Perhaps we need to review the concept of no questions asked." "Yeah, I don't think so." "Fine." "If you wanna be the last schmuck in Schmuckville, go ahead." "If, on the other hand, you want a brand-new, state-of-the-art computer for $400," "I can make that happen." "What's it gonna be?" "Yes or no?" "Yes." "( knock on door )" "Oh, brother." "I'm coming, I'm coming." "Hey, slick." "Oh, jeez." "Open up, will ya?" "I got your computer." "Hey, just shut up and get in here, will ya?" "I got everything you need here." "I think you're gonna be happy." "Look, Bob, I'm not feeling so good about" "Oh, wow, that's a" "That's a 450." "That's top of the line." "I'm like Dominos." "It's here, it's hot, guaranteed." "Let me just, uh, get ya a check, here." "Hey, stay out here where I can see you, will ya?" "Yeah, I thought doctors lived better than this." "Hell, I thought hostages lived better than this." "Here you go." "Pleasure doing business with you." "Uh, yeah." "So, doc, you know how to set up one of these things?" "Uh, no, but I'm sure you got a guy for that too." "Yeah, you're lookin' at him." "Once Bob found out there was such a thing as a lesbian chat room, he learned about computers real quick." "Bob, you" " You don't have to do this" "Look, forget it." "Forget it." "I'll have you up and running before you can say," ""Hi, my name is Bob, a 16-year-old girl experimenting with her sexuality."" "Desk okay?" "It" " It was, yeah." "This will only take a couple of hours, but, uh, meanwhile, Bob's feeling a bit peckish." "Wanna pass me a slice of that pizza?" "( groans )" "Great." "Oh, cold." "Stick that in the microwave, will you, Ichabod?" "Mrs. Yudelson, the doctor wants you to use this ointment three times a day and call us in a week if there's no change, okay?" "Yeah, all right, yeah." "Linda, would you walk Mrs. Yudelson to the door?" "( whispers ):" "Do I have to?" "Linda." "Right this way, Mrs. Yudelson." "Yeah, okay, okay." "Oh, John, you got a strange message from some guy named Bob." "He wanted to know if you were free tonight." "Something about dinner and a nude ice revue?" "Throw it away." "Um, are these two separate things or do the skaters actually serve dinner, because--?" "Mar" " Margaret, just toss it, will ya?" "Who" " Who's next?" "Mm, all right." "Um, you have a new patient in 1." "Oh, and if you're still going computer shopping this afternoon, I saw some good sales in the paper." "Oh, uh, yeah, I already came up with a great deal on a computer." "Thanks." "Thanks very much." "Oh, really?" "'Cause I'm looking for one for my nephew." "What store did you go to?" "Well, it wasn't actually a store, Margaret." "It's more of a warehouse, cl" " Club, mem" " Membership kind of thing, you know, for" " For" " For doctors only." "I'm sorry." "I'd" " I'd love to." "MARGARET:" "For doctors only?" "BECKER:" "Yeah." "I've never heard of such a thing." "What are you talking about?" "All r" " All right, all right." "Look, it's not exactly a-a place." "It's m" "See, I-I got it from a g" "Guy who knows a guy who knows" "You bought a hot computer?" "I don't know that." "I-I-I was very careful about not knowing that." "And I know it's wrong, so don't" " Don't give me that look." "Tsk, tsk, tsk." "And don't you make that sound." "( sighs ) Oh, great, there it is:" "The sigh." "You know, I hate that." "Mm-mm-mm." "Oh, the head shake?" "Oh, that's great." "You know something?" "Just stop lecturing me, Margaret." "Damn, I'm good." "Mrs. Yudelson, would it help if I dangled a Social Security check in front of you?" "Hi, I'm Dr. Becker." "Sorry I'm late." "And you are Mister--?" "Is that really important?" "Well, no, I guess not." "Wha" " What seems to be the problem?" "I, uh, got rear-ended by a cab." "I need one of them collars for around my neck." "All right, all right, let's-- Let's check it out." "Where-- Where does it hurt?" "Where should I say it hurts?" "Well, does it hurt when you move your head?" "I don't know." "Does it?" "Does it what?" "Does it hurt?" "You tell me." "How am I supposed to know?" "I'm trying to find out what's wrong with your neck." "Just tell me where it should hurt, and that's what I'll say." "What the hell's going on here?" "Oh, whoa, what's your problem?" "Bob said you knew how the game was played." "Bob?" "Bob sent you in here?" "Yeah." "He thought we could help each other out." "You phony up a claim." "I go to court." ""Ow, ow, ow." We all make a few bucks." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "BECKER:" "Come on, get out of here." "Go on, get the hell out of here." "I don't wanna see you in this office again." "Hey, if anyone else is in here because of a guy named Bob," "I want you to leave right now." "I forgot my purse." "Don't move." "I'll get it." "Make it quick." "I gotta run." "What's up, Jake?" "Reggie, I'll have the usual." "Okay." "Glass of orange juice that I spit in." "As close to a kiss as I've ever gotten." "So, uh, has my good friend John been in today?" "Because I picked us up a couple of Yankee tickets for Saturday." "Y-You're hanging out with John Becker?" "Yeah." "In fact, I was over at his apartment last night." "We shared a pizza." "John Becker?" "Yeah, we're becoming very tight." "With "John Becker," John Becker?" "What, are you deaf too?" "Oh" "Look, uh, just tell him I was in here looking for him." "See ya, slim." "Hawkeye." "Why in the world would Becker be friends with Bob?" "John is a doctor." "Maybe he was conducting some sort of medical experiment and thought using a rat was too cruel." "( laughs )" "Or Becker has a roach problem and he brought Bob in as a technical consultant." "( laughs )" "Or" " Or maybe we're forgetting that Bob is a weaselly little liar and we shouldn't believe a word he said." "Let's go with that one." "Yes." "You guys seen Bob in here today?" "I gotta talk to him." "Reg, I'm scared." "( sighs )" "What's going on?" "You're" "( scoffs ) You're friends with Bob?" "Oh, no." "Hell no." "No, he-- He just came by my apartment the other night to drop off a computer." "Yes, yes, a hot computer." "I-I let his guy get it for me." "Before you say anything, I know it was wrong." "I know it goes against everything I said in here the other day, which makes me look like a hypocrite." "But I did it, and I'm just gonna have to live with it." "You let Bob in your house?" "That's not the half of it." "Now" " Now he's dropping by, he's calling me." "And worst of all, he's sending me phony patients." "If that little weasel thinks just 'cause I let him get me one hot computer, I'm gonna let him corrupt my entire medical practice, you know, he's just got another think coming." "You let him in your house?" "Look, Reg, I-I really need to talk to him." "Do you" " Do you have his telephone number?" "Yeah, I got it right here in a little locket" "I wear next to my heart." "Damn it, you know," "I'm not gonna let this guy ruin my reputation." "I know" " I know." "I'll leave him a message in the lesbian chat room." "( knock on door )" "Hey, what's up, sparky?" "Bob." "Oh, where-- Where are you going?" "Gonna grab myself a beer." "Hope you went shopping." "The stuff last time, I wouldn't shampoo my dog with that." "Hey, hey, hey." "Come here, come here." "We need to talk." "Sit down here." "What about?" "Us." "Huh?" "You" " You and me, you know, what" "What's going on between us." "What?" "A-About our relationship." "See, I-I-I don't think you're" "You're clear about what I'm looking for." "Oh, my God, you're gay." "What?" "Look, nancy, Bob is strictly hetero, with a capital O." "Besides, I don't find you the least bit attractive." "Bob-- Although there was that day when you had on a blue sweater and those" "Hey, Bob, shut up, will ya?" "What I'm trying to say is, I-I don't want you telling people we're buddies." "You know?" "And I don't want you sending any more phony patients to my office." "And I know I asked you for this, but I want you to take this computer back to your guy." "I can't do that." "It's kind of "all sales are final."" "I don't care what it was." "I want this stolen computer out of my life." "All right, look" "The computer's not stolen." "I bought it retail." "What?" "I didn't have time to get you a deal." "I had to get this scam moving." "What are you talking about?" "This wasn't about being buddies." "I got enough friends without hanging out with some gay doctor in the Bronx." "I did it to get closer to Reggie." "I figured, if you liked me, maybe I wouldn't seem so bad to her." "You know, without a doubt, you" "You are out of your freakin' mind." "I'm gonna pay you for this computer, and then I want you to get the hell outta here." "Suit yourself." "With tax and the extended warranty, less the 400 you gave me, that would be $3,156.72." "What?" "I could've gotten that-- That for 2,600." "You got screwed." "No, I didn't." "You did." "All right, you know," "Reggie's never gonna go out with you." "I mean, for starters, you're married." "Yeah, there's married and there's married." "My wife's total lack of interest in me affords a certain amount of wiggle room." "Fine, you know, whatever." "But even you admit she hates you." "I mean, Reggie, you know, of all women, why her?" "All right, I'll tell you." "All the time we were growing up, she was the prettiest, the most popular." "Out of all the women I never had a shot at, she's the one I never had a shot at the most." "And understand, I had a lot less going for me then than I do now." "Yeah, I find that hard to imagine." "So then, when she came back to town," "I'm doing better." "She's doing worse." "So I figure, maybe now I got a shot." "Don't you see?" "Reggie was like the moon." "When Bob was a kid, the moon was the one place you could never go." "Then, all of a sudden, there's guys up there hitting golf balls." "So I figure, if they can do the impossible, why can't I?" "Bob, go dream somewhere else, will ya?" "Next time you have a scam, don't involve me in it." "Now go." "That's it?" "Yeah, that's it." "You know," "I stood here and I" "I really opened up, let myself be vulnerable." "And I shared feelings I never shared with anybody else." "But I guess someone like me doesn't matter much to someone like you." "You're a hard man, Becker." "You act like I didn't get to you at all." "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait." "All right, you-- You got to me." "A little." "( chuckles )" "Thanks, doc." "So you think if I used that moon bit on Reggie, she'd go for it?" "'Cause if not, I got, like, this Mount Everest thing" "I'm working on." "Go" " Go" " Go." "Get out." "Get out." "( blues theme playing )" "( upbeat blues theme playing )"