"♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪" "♪ Louie, Louie Louie, Louaaa ♪" "♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪" "♪ Louie, Louie you're gonna cry ♪" "♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪" "♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪" "Yeah, I remember learning about sex when I was a kid." "I wanted to know what sex was 'cause I just had boners all the time." "I went to my dad, I asked my dad what sex was, 'cause I knew that sex existed," "I didn't know what it was." "So I asked my dad and he told me..." "Here's what my dad said." "First of all, it is not "sex."" "You must not call it that." "Then what do I call it?" ""Making love."" "There is a secret to it and I am going to tell it to you now." "You must withholdly slightly, then withdraw and wait until she is mad with desire, begging you to penetrate." "Then... then a bit more." "But withdraw again!" "Then you must wait and withhold until she demands it, and even then, you give her nothing!" "Then all you have to do is touch her and she will explode." "I was seven years old when he explained that." "I was seven years old." "He's telling me how to make, like, a 35-year-old woman come, who, like, really knows herself." "That, my son, is the art of making love." "Now repeat it to me." "Well." "Um, first of all, you said that you don't call it sex, it's making love." "And... and when you're doing it, first you go in just a little bit and then you come back out and then she wants more, so you go in a little more, and then you come back out" "and she demands it so you just touch her, and then she explodes." "So they taught us sex in school, and all they did was scare the shit out of me because they show you these diagrams of, like, a penis, just this huge penis and it's cut in half lengthwise." "Like, yeah, that's what your dick would look like if I ripped off half of it and threw it in the garbage." "And this is the vagina." "Vagina." "When intercourse occurs, the man takes his penis and ejaculates into the vagina." "I didn't understand anything that they taught us." "I had a hard time focusing on what they were telling me about all these tubes and shit." "Louie?" "Louie, come up here and show me." "Louie, show me the penis." "Show everyone the penis, Louie." "Show the class the penis." "I thought for like five years that when... from watching this whole thing, that when you have sex, you come and one of your balls comes out." "That's what I thought happened, that you have to come a ball out of that little whole at the tip of your dick." "I was terrified!" "That's what I thought, you just..." "Bahh!" "And you push a ball out and she's screaming and there's blood everywhere... and you can only do it twice and then you're out of balls." "That's what I thought." "You come twice and have two babies, and then you just walk around with an empty sack for the rest of your life." "Which turned out to be true, but..." "It could have been worse." "It was good... yeah, totally." "No, it was..." "that was really good." "You liked that?" "Yeah, yeah." "Oh, I'm glad you liked it." "Yeah, you really seem to know, like, all the good places in New York." "Well, I've been alive for awhile and I like to eat, so..." "So I don't know if you want to..." "Yeah, I, um..." "What time is it?" "It's kind of late, but I don't know, you want to get a drink or something or..." "Yeah, you know what, I gotta work tomorrow and I don't really want to start drinking right now." "I don't really drink either, so..." "You know what, though?" "There's a doughnut place on 14th Street." "You want to get doughnuts right now?" "Well, it's just kind of a great old place." "You know, just watery coffee" "Probably might get a doughnut, too." "Maybe some doughnuts." "You want to go?" "Come on, watch me eat a doughnut." "Okay." "It'll be fun." "Yeah." "You wanna go?" "Yeah." "Good, okay, come on." "If I can have a doughnut, too." "Well, you can have maybe one." "It's like $50,000 a month rent for most places." "Your go-to place at this hour?" "Mm-hmm." "That's how they knew you and what you like, the coconut?" "Yeah, that's why I didn't have to ask." "It's getting all over you." "Sorry." "I would have come here even if you didn't come with me." "All by yourself?" "Oh, yeah." "Without me?" "Sure." "I mean, I'm here every night." "Seriously?" "The doughnuts." "I don't really need you here." "They're great company, yeah." "It's nice, though." "To share?" "Yeah." "You... you were correct." "This is..." "this is like piss." "It's piss with shit floating in it." "It's really fantastic." "So how did you get started being a comedian?" "Oh, well, I started in high school." "Really?" "Yeah, I was 18." "Suzy!" "Big old titties!" "Her boobs were so hot, too, did you see that?" "And I was right out of high hool." "I found out you could do open-mic nights in Boston, so I started getting interested..." "Tits!" "Sorry." "You believe these guys?" "This is ridiculous." "You had that Asian chick right in front of you, loser." "You're a loser!" "Loser!" "Eat my ass, you douche bag!" "Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat..." "Eat it!" "Eat it, eat it!" "Nobody can even talk." "I know." "It's ridiculous." "I mean, I really am interested that you started so young." "You are?" "Yeah." "Well, yeah, I was in high school..." "Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat..." "Hey, hey!" "Guys, could you keep it down, please?" "Thank you." "That's good, it worked." "Yeah, I hope so." "Anyway, there was these clubs in Boston that you could go on and they were just like open-mic nights." "You could just... anytime you wanted to." "How's it going?" "Yeah, actually you were." "That's why I asked you to be quiet and you did, so thank you." "Oh, that's all right." "I'm Sean." "Sean, got it, thanks." ""Got it, thanks," that's your name?" "No, it's Louie." "Oh, okay." "Louie." "Louie." "Hi, I'm Sean." "What's your name?" "What, am I bothering you?" "Hey, hey, hey, man." "Come on." "Hey, what's up, Louie?" "Why don't you go back with your friends, okay?" "Yeah, see, I don't really feel like it, Louie." "Hey, Louie, can I ask you a question?" "When was the last time you got your ass kicked?" "Come on, What?" "You heard me." "When was the last time you got your ass kicked?" "I'm just curious." "What, you scared?" "Are you scared right now?" "No." "No?" "No, I'm not scared of you." "Why?" "'Cause I'm a grown man." "I'm not afraid of some young kid, some high-school bully." "Oh, you're not afraid of high school..." "No." "So what if I just decided to kick your ass right now, what would you do then?" "Huh?" "Do you want that?" "I'm serious." "I can hurt you really bad." "Right now." "You see this?" "Huh, you see that, huh?" "It's just two days ago." "Destroyed this guy's face, must have hit him like 40 times, teeth were all over the place." "Just left him there bleeding." "Probably sent him to the hospital, I don't know." "Are you ready for that?" "'Cause I'm kind of feeling like doing that to you right now." "I'm gonna be honest." "I'm kind of leaning that way." "I don't know, I don't know." "Maybe if you asked me nicely or something, I won't..." "I won't do it." "But then again, I don't know." "I don't know how I'll feel, you know?" "I don't know how I'll feel." "'Cause maybe you'll ask me nicely and I'll still beat the shit out of you." "Maybe I won't." "So what do you say, Louie?" "Huh?" "Please don't." "Nah, I don't like how you said that." "Why, what..." "Ask nice, ask better." "It was fake." "Ask again." "Now." "Okay." "Please don't kick my ass, okay?" "You're very strong and young, I get it." "You could kick my ass, I'm sure you could, so I'm really asking you nicely to please not kick my ass, okay?" "That was hard to watch." "All right, Louie." "Come on, guys, let's go." "Let's leave Louie to his date." "Ain't that right?" "Let him have his nice little date." "Enjoy." "Take care, tough guy." "Louie!" "All right, Louie!" "Go get 'em, Louie!" "Good job, good job." "That guy was a nightmare, huh?" "What?" "What?" "Nothing." "You didn't really want me to fight that guy, did you?" "'Cause he..." "No, no, no." "That guy was pretty serious." "Yeah, of course." "No, of course." "Hey, look, if you need to be with some guy that gets into fights with dumb young jocks, that's..." "I got two kids, you know, I'm not..." "No, I would never." "You did the right thing." "I mean, of course, no, of course not." "I mean, that was... you know, it was pretty humiliating." "Yeah." "Hey, look, I don't..." "I'm getting this weird feeling like you're looking down at me right now for what just happened." "I don't..." "I mean, I would never want a guy to fight." "That's... of course." "It's so stupid." "I'd be pissed if you did." "And, y'know, I mean, being violent is just the dumbest thing ever." "And, y'know, who cares what you have to say to get the guy off your back." "I..." "I totally feel that way." "But, uh..." "What ?" "!" "I just, I don't..." "I mean, if I'm being totally honest, that was a turnoff, seeing that." "Jesus Christ." "I know." "I'm sorry, I can't help it." "I don't know, I just..." "It's like a primitive thing or something." "I mean, you see this guy just totally debase himself and it's like just to be safe?" "It's... a turnoff." "That's seriously a real bummer." "You know?" "Women like you that choose stupid strong people over the weak and the gentles." "Listen, look." "Okay, I'm a grown woman and my mind is telling me that you are a great guy." "But my chemistry is telling me that you're a loser." "I mean, I'm surprised, y'know, by my own reaction." "Yeah." "Wow." "I have no defense." "I mean, I'm completely surprised by my own feelings about it." "That's..." "I think you've said enough things." "I'm sorry." "Okay?" "So let's maybe put you in a cab now." "Should I leave a tip or something?" "I got it, okay?" "Okay, yeah." "It was a great doughnut, though." "Yeah, thank you very much." "May I get the door for you, madam?" "'Cause you're a woman and I'm a man and you're..." "I'm strong and mighty." "Yeah?" "Hey." "You don't know me... but..." "What, are you selling something or..." "No, no." "Who's this?" "I'm here because..." "You have a son named Sean?" "Yeah." "Well, I had a little trouble with him tonight." "Like what?" "Well, he threatened me." "He threatened to beat me up." "Uh, would... would you come in, please?" "Yeah, sure." "Jimmy, turn that shit down." "I'm playing!" "Turn it down, goddamn it!" "So... what happened?" "Well, I was at a... at this doughnut place on 14th Street and I was on a date and..." "Well, Sean came in with all these friends of his and they were just making a racket and nobody could talk or anything, and so I asked them to keep it down." "He starts threatening me and saying that he could beat me up." "He's saying that he's beat other people up and he's saying that..." "Well, he said that if I didn't ask him not to, that he would beat the shit out of me." "Oh, my God." "Look, nothing happened to me, I'm okay, but it was scary." "Y'know, I'm not a fighting guy." "I'm 42." "I got children." "I'm not gonna get in a fight with somebody." "But, look, he threatened me, and that's illegal." "Sean, get down here." "Sean!" "What?" "Get down here!" "What, what, what, what?" "Were you bothering this guy?" "What the hell?" "What did you do?" "What the hell are you doing here?" "What did you say?" "Listen, I don't know what this guy told you, Dad." "Dad... shit, Dad, I don't know what he told you!" "I don't know what he told you!" "Tell him you're sorry!" "Tell him you're sorry, goddamn it!" "Stop hitting him!" "How do you think he turned out like this!" "What are you talking about?" "He's no good!" "Don't say that, he's your kid." "He probably could have been a good kid." "He's obviously smart." "But what... how... you teach him to just hit people." "What was he gonna be but a stupid bully?" "I mean, you never gave him a chance." "Hey, screw you!" "Who the hell are you?" "Get the hell out of my house, you faggot." "Tell me how to raise my kid!" "Go back to New York, you Obama-loving faggot!" "Who needs ya ?" "!" "Hey." "Hey, buddy, listen." "Yeah?" "Hey, man, I don't know what to do." "I mean, I got three kids in there and, you know..." "He's 18 now, you know." "I don't know what to do." "Listen, I don't know..." "I don't know what you're dealing with." "You know, I got two kids, but they're girls and the oldest one's eight, so I don't know, I mean..." "I guess, I just..." "I would go with maybe not hitting 'em." "That doesn't seem like such a great idea." "Well, that's what I know." "My dad hit me, and his dad him." "How's that going?" "Yeah." "How old were you when you had kids?" "I was 34." "I was 20." "Seriously?" "20, yeah." "Grace had a great ass then." "20, that's crazy." "Yeah." "Then again, my life from 20 to 34 was all shit, so I might as well have had kids then." "What do you do?" "Sanitation." "You?" "I'm a comedian." "Get the ( blank ) out of here." "Yeah." "Yeah." "It's a job." "No, it isn't." "I guess not." "I mean, I was a piece of shit when I was a kid." "I stole t happens." "And I couldn't take it back from him 'cause he was bigger than me, he could kick my ass." "And I've never been in a fight." "I've never been in a fight." "I've never beat anybody up," "I've never sucked a guy's dick." "Those two things I never did, was beat somebody up or suck a guy's dick." "And I mention those two, 'cause those a the two things" "I never did, like..." "I would say things that I'll never do that I've crossed the line where I never will do them, 'cause I'm 42 and it would just be a weird time to start is fighting, blowing guys," "and skiing." "I think those are the three things... that the window has closed on learning to ski, starting to be a fighting person or blowing men." "Who starts blowing guys at 42?" "Hey, man." "Just... don't." "Who are you?" "I'm you in 30 years." "You gotta be kidding me." "You're fat." "You're ugly." "I mean..." "Yeah, you're gonna be bald, too." "All right?" "Oh, my God." "This is a nightmare." "What happened to you?" "I don't know, man." "You'll see." "This sucks." "Mm-hmm."