"It needs a few adjustments, but I think it is the perfect anti-burglar device," "What d'you reckon?" "." "Would Neighbourhood Watch be interested?" "." "Possibly, Is there anything else you can show me?" "." "Yes, Could you cut me down?" "." "Yes, well, this is what I call my safety deposit box," "Go on, try and open it," "You can't, can you?" "." "That's 'cause it's locked," "But where's the key?" "." "It's in the drawer," "Go on, have a pull on there," "You've gone all red in the face," "It's locked!" "I can see why they made you chairman," "The key to the drawer and the key to the safety deposit box, that is in here," "Do you see that?" "." "That's a combination lock, that is," "To get the key that opens the drawer that has the key for my deposit box you need the secret combination, which is written in lemon juice and hidden!" " Where?" "." " In here," " How do you open it?" "." " Well, I memorized the combination," "Ah, yes!" "What is it?" "." "I've been thinking all day, and it will come to me," "I had it written down, but I was worried about somebody finding it, so I put it down in a special code, I put down a number, and then a number from my birthday, and then the next number after that," " But people know my birthday," " I don't," "I know, That's why you never send a card," "Say somebody saw me getting cards, they'd know it was my birthday, so they might think, "He's trying to confuse us," ""We'll ignore the numbers to his birthday"," "But, Mr Evans, isn't all this a bit confusing?" "." "Er, yes, That's why I memorized it," " There's a four," " Argh!" "Argh!" "Oh, sorry, I've fitted it with a special timer switch," "It comes on when I'm not here," " But you are here," " But the lamp doesn't know," "Perhaps we'd better finish when you show me the doors and windows?" "." "Yeah!" "That's a very good idea," "Because I think this house is just crying out to be done, After you," "Yes, well, it looks OK," "Yeah, but all they have to do is this!" "And it worries me," "One, two, three, four, five," "One, two, three, four, five," "Shimmy!" "You see!" "Any burglar that comes along, that's all they have to do!" "Yes, Well, shall we go in?" "." "Yes, yes, of course," "Yes, um," "A key," "I'll do it again," "One, two, three, four, five," "One, two, three, four, five," "Shimmy!" "Heather will be home in a minute, maybe she'll let us in, Landlady," "Shall I have a go?" "." "Yes, please," "Can anyone tell me what this is?" "." "No, I didn't do that," "It's kuk!" "Are you sure you didn't do it?" "." "It's Mongolian kuk!" "It's a monofood!" "A perfectly balanced diet developed by 12th-century Mongolian monks," "Look - and it's only £25 a box, Can you see the monks smiling, Lee?" "." "Yeah, all the way to the bank, You've been done," "No, They're smiling because they've got happy guts," "And I've decided that we're going to have happy guts," "So, tonight, I'm giving a special kuk dinner party!" "And guess who's going to be our guest of honour?" "." "You haven't copped off with the Dalai Lama, have you?" "." " No, Dads is coming home!" " Dads?" "." " Yes!" " He's in prison," "No, he isn't!" " We don't use the word "prison"," " You just said it," " What?" "." " Prison," "Look!" "It's not like a prison prison," "He gets home at weekends and wears his own clothes and I gather the wine is perfectly drinkable," "You get a better class of crim there," "It's where they send all the MPs," "Daddy was at school with most of them," "It's like the House of Commons, only with slightly better hours," " You see?" "." " So, um, what exactly did he do?" "." "My father did nothing, He is completely innocent!" "He pleaded guilty to perjury!" "Yes, but when he said that, he was lying, They made him," "He had this account, a sort of trusty fundy thingy for old people who are perfectly sodden with money anyway and own most of Sussex," "What do OAPs want with £58 million?" "." "I mean, all they ever buy is cat food and Anusol," "When he arrives, don't mention trials or prisons or anything!" "My father is a decent, honourable man," "He just wants a nice quiet weekend at home, Where are you going?" "." "I'm going to go and phone Crimewatch, let them know in advance!" "Oh, Stuart, could you possibly soak your socks elsewhere?" "." "I could," "(MICROWAVE PINGS)" "What have I told you about cooking in here?" "." "I haven't been cooking in there," "He's bent, Stuart!" " I know!" " He's in prison!" "With pris-on-ers," "He'd have learned all the tricks of the pros," "Prisons are universities of crime," "He may have been a toff, but give him a coat hanger now, he'll be in and out of a Mazda quicker than a Kwik Fit fitter," ""We're the ones to watch?"' Yes, you are, mate!" "And he's coming here, To our house!" "What's our postcode?" "." "Oh, the invisible ultraviolet marker pen, eh?" "." "Absolutely!" "I'm taking zero chances, mate," "How do you know it hasn't run out?" "." "You could be writing naff all," "(DOOR SLAMS)" "(HEATHER) Dads!" "At last!" " Great, he's here!" " Oh, no!" "My new financial advisor's arrived, I'm gonna go and introduce meself," "Oh, Dads, Dads!" " Did you miss me, Dads?" "." " Yes, Angel," "Home at last from that dreadful place," "This is just like that scene from The Railway Children," "Oh, I want this moment to last for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever!" "A-hem!" "Oh, Dads!" "This is Stuart, He's one of the men who pay the rent," "I'll just take your bag upstairs," "How d'you do?" "." "An honour and a privilege - even though you got banged up," "God moves in mysterious ways," "Indeed he does, Still, must have been a bit of a choker?" "." "Now, er, there you go - a couple of snout for you, My treat," "How very kind of you, It was rather more than a choker, my son," "The very first time I heard the heavy clang of the steel door - well, that was a deeply, profoundly moving moment," "But I realised there was another presence in the cell with me," "And, lo, a voice spoke unto me, And do you know what it said?" "." ""Do you wanna be my bitch?"'" "No, The other presence was God, my son," "Oh, right, right, very nice, yeah," "Listen, you're one of that lot, Dosh, How do you make it?" "." " Dads, you must come and meet Lee!" " Coming, my angel," "Wait a minute - you can't judge somebody before you meet them," "I mean, give the bloke a chance!" "Yes, yes," "(KNOCKING)" "(HEATHER) Lee!" "Lee" " I'd like you to meet Dads!" "Get out!" "Leave my stuff alone!" "Oh, poor Dads!" "Oh, I don't know what came over him," " Let me give you a big hug," " One must not cast stones, but a more unprepossessing pair of shifty, crooked-looking oiks it would be impossible to imagine," "(HE KNOCKS)" " Who is it?" "." " Stuart," "Come in, Stuart, Come here," "He was just up here, You should have seen him, His eyes were everywhere," "I bet he come up here to case my room," "Lee, he's not the slightest bit interested in you or Kiki Dee," "He moves in completely different circles," "Round and round the prison yard, That's his sort of circles," " He's in the nick for stealing," " It's not stealing," "It's embezzlement, It's a totally different crime," "You wouldn't understand it, It'd go over your head!" "You've got to be special to get in that prison as well, a nob," "I can see them now - drinking sherry, day in day out, giving each other tips to make even more millions in the City, and I'll be with him next if you don't nause it up for me," "I'll be out of here and into my penthouse," "Yeah?" "." "Well, here's a tip for you, Gordon Gekko!" " Where's that fiver you owe me?" "." " It's in hand," "It's downstairs in the kitchen on the side in the ginger jar," "Hello," "Now, my Lord,stocks," "Stocks, And what was the other one?" "." "Shares," "Shares, Stocks and shares, Stocks and shares," "I do so enjoy discussing high finance with you, my Lord," "I can't with him - he's only got a super saver account at the Post O," "Ow!" "A Post Office account?" "." "How very wise, Whereabouts?" "." "Somewhere in England," " So what's the secret, then?" "." " Oh, same as anything else really," "First, find your man, Doesn't matter what it is in life - a dripping tap, state of finances, trouble in the Balkans," " Get a man in, Keep out of his hair," " His hair," " Everything OK?" "." "Are you relaxing?" "." " Oh, yes, Angel," "Good, If there's anything you need," "I'm just here, watching over you," "I've made your room all fresh and lovely," "Your favourite bedsheets are out," "Bless you, Angel," "He doesn't need bedsheets," "I mean, if you wanna leave the house, you can use the front door like everybody else," " Er, can I get you something, Lee?" "." " No, Why?" "." "What are you planning?" "." " Can I get you something?" "." " No!" " Was it this?" "." " No," " This?" "." " No," " Yes!" " The tea cosy?" "." "Yeah, I 've got a bit of a head cold," "Yes, thank you very much," "Ta-ra!" "It's organic," "Yeah, it certainly is," "I bet you don't get this sort of stuff in prison," "Let us pray," "Dear Lord, let us express our gratitude for the bounty you have placed before us," "And let us remember those," ",our brethren around the world," ",who will tonight go hungry to their beds," " Amen," " Amen," " Right, Lee?" "." " Actually," "I'm a bit worried about the brethren around the world myself, so, um, I think I should show some solidarity and go hungry to bed," "Well, Stuart,?" "." "Actually, Heather, I think I'll go and check the FTSE and me testes," "Well, you must be starving, Dads, Let me build you up," " You spoil me, Angel," " Yes!" "Wouldn't know about embezzling!" "Who do they think I am?" "." ""A Post Office account?" "." "Whereabouts?"'" "I'm onto you, mate, "Oh, Angel, would you have a coat hanger?"' I knew it," "Tomorrow morning, the whole street's gonna wake up with no car stereos," "(DOOR CLOSES)" "Oh, bloody kuk!" "Get out!" "Stuart!" "He's started!" "He's embezzling the whole house!" "What?" "." "He's gone through the house in the middle of the night!" "Tell Heather, He's her father," "I can't tell Heather, He's her father!" "He's already stolen my Radio Times!" "My God!" "Get the Serious Crime Squad," "You don't care!" "You just want him to help you make money!" " That's right," " There's blood on your hands!" " I'm keeping him under surveillance," " Get out!" "That's a bit sharp," "It's OK, You don't have to do that here," "There's a toilet," "I'll," "I'll take it, I'll get rid of it," "Amen," "So it's prune the roses, a game of tennis, a haircut, cinema, prune more roses, rugby at Twickenham, feed the ducks, more roses and then Fortnum's for tea," "Bugger parole, let's go to Paris!" "Angel, Angel, Angel!" " Oh, Dads, Dads, Dads," " You're trying too hard again," "My time is so short," "All I wish for is the simple pleasure" " of walking alone to the corner shop," " With me!" "No, my precious, Then I wouldn't be walking alone, would I?" "." "I just want to walk to the shop, to buy a paper, and to see that I'm not in it," "Oh, yes,of course," "Oh, I've left my purse upstairs," "You just go and help yourself, Take what you want," "There can't be more than £300 there," "£300?" "." "Darling, I'm buying the Telegraph," " Just take as much as you want," " Oh, you are an angel, Angel," "(HE HUMS A TUNE)" "(PHONE RINGS)" "Hello?" "." "Mr Jones!" "No, I'm not in right now, I am out!" "Yes, I do know there is someone outside my bedroom window," "No, no, no, there's no need to call the police, It's me!" " Dads, I'll get you fresh towels!" " Thank you, Angel," "Ugh!" "Ooh!" "Dads!" "It's only me with your towels!" "(AS DADS) Oh, thank you, Angel," "# Onward Christian soldiers," "#,Marching as to war, # Hello, Precious," "Get out!" "Lee, what are you doing?" "." " Er,er," " Are you taking money from my purse?" "." "No, no, I was just putting it back," " Putting it back?" "." " Yes," " Putting it back?" "." " Yes," " He knows not what he does!" " No, I do!" "Then, you must save yourself!" "I once trod the very same path to damnation," "You hover, my friend, on the very abyss of perdition," "Satan is even now at your side," "His foul breath is upon your neck," "The very stench of the sulphurous fires of Hell are even now upon your nostrils," "He's criminally insane, And the other fellow isn't far behind," "Listen, darling, because of my enforced incarceration," "I do realise that you're badly off," "So I have decided the time has come to deploy the Deadly Twins," "Oh, Dads, no!" "Are you sure?" "." " They're like part of the family," " Stop that," "They're upstairs and there's no going back," "They're both extremely dangerous and I do not like you to be alone in the house with them," "I've got a way of disposing of them that cannot be traced to us for at least a million years," "You could shave a gooseberry with that!" "Come on - let's do it," "Oh, no!" "Oh, dear!" "I don't want to die!" "I'm not ready yet, I've still got things to do," "I haven't put the rubbish out yet," "Oh, no!" "I never went shooting myself," "The Deadly Twins were Grandpapa's, and not very deadly in his hands!" "Many a grouse had a happy and long life thanks to his shooting prowess," "No, I never liked them," "Don't want them in the house, I'll be glad to be shot of the pair of them," "No one must ever know or the police will ask some silly questions," "We'll hide them under those sacks in the summerhouse, and then I'll dispose of them," "Lee, what are you doing!" "Don't do that!" "I thought you were him!" " Who?" "." " Who?" "." "Him," "He was sharpening knives and shaving gooseberries, He's gonna kill us!" "Never mind knives - he's upstairs with two bloody great big shotguns!" "I told you - you would not listen to me," "All right, Calm down, Lee, I've been in situations like this many times," "I just need a moment now to calm myself down and prepare myself," "Oh, God, we're gonna die!" "Come on, come on," "Come on, Think!" "Think!" "You're a man," "Be a man," "We're gonna die!" "Lee, listen to me," "We're from the wrong side of the tracks, aren't we?" "." " Yeah," " So let's tool up," "Yeah, here we are!" "A ladle - yeah!" "Put that in your trust fund, Angel!" "There we go!" " Yes, look at that, eh?" "." " Eh?" "." "No more conversations about casting the first stone!" "I'll whisk him up!" "I'll tenderise him to death!" "There you go, Angel!" "If all else fails," " I'll suck him to death!" " Let's get these upstairs," "My God!" "It's like Psycho all over again!" "Come on, Angel, let's load up the Deadly Twins!" "I don't want to worry you, but I wouldn't look out the window if I was you," " I know!" "Let's lock them out!" " Lock 'em out," "Yeah, yeah," "(DOOR SLAMS)" "What are they doing?" "." "Locking us out," "I locked the front door and the back windows and Sellotaped the cat flap," " I'll lock the front door," " I locked the front door," " I unlocked it," " Why?" "." "To get in!" "Why did you lock it?" "." " I heard someone outside!" " Me trying to get in!" "Oh, God!" "Right, Ssh!" "Don't make a noise - from either end," "AAARGH!" "Right, Hide in here," "Get in," "Ssh!" "(LEE) I know you're scared, but there's no reason to hold my hand!" "(STUART) I'm not holding your hand," "(HEATHER) You're holding my hand," "(DADS) No, I'm holding your hand," "AAAAARGH!" "I'm sorry, Heather, I thought your dad was stealing off of you," "Well, we thought you were stealing from me," "And what about those guns?" "." "We thought you were gonna do us in," "When we saw you with all those kitchen implements, we thought YOU were going to do US in!" "Well, I'd better be on my way," "Oh, Dads, no, don't be silly!" "You don't have to go back yet!" "You've still got 24 hours left," "I know!" "I know!" "And I've got a special surprise for tonight - kuk a l'orange!" " Just think of that!" " I am!" "I am," "The thing is, my darling, I just need a rest," " Oh," " Goodbye," " Goodbye," " Trust and forgiveness," " Goodbye," " Goodbye," " Trust and forgiveness," " Absolutely!" "(DADS) Aaaargh!" "(HEATHER) Lee!" "Stuart!" "Quickly!" "Angel!" "Angel!" "Angel!" "Cut me down!" "Cut me down!" "Dads!" "Dads!" "What have you done?" ".!" "It works!"