"Moron!" "What are these?" "Stop the presses!" "Stop the presses!" "Martin!" "Stan Martin!" "Where are you?" " Yes, Sir, Mr. Perkins." " What's this?" "A banana." "I know it's a banana, what's this?" " Those would be bruises, Sir." " Bruises?" "Yeah, I thought it might appear more realistic... if the fruit had bruises on them." "Come here, Stan." "Alright, where is it?" " Alright, what's this?" " That's my bruised banana." "No!" "That's my bruised banana." "I came up with the whole concept back in 1997." "You see, the whole idea was to alternate your fruit incrementally... from fresh, to right, to rotten." "Giving the customer the total wax fruit experience." "Wow!" "That's brilliant." "Thanks." " Why didn't you go ahead with it?" " Feldman shot it down." "He said, "You know, in forty five years... we never had a Feldman banana with a bruise on it."" "So if it ain't broke..." "Henry!" " Now?" " Right now." " Okay." "Alright." " You're already late." "Alright, I'm going." "Trust is the key to every great relationship." "Even the tragic ones." "There was "trust" when Eve gave Adam that apple." "When Delilah cut Samson's hair." "There was even "trust" when Ross screwed around on Rachel... when he thought they were on "a break"." "But what these couples didn't do is..." " "communicate"." " You're late." "We had a rush order on kumquats." "I tried that, alright, but it just blows up in my face, you know." "And she's all mad because I'm checking out some websites." " My God." " Let's put a pin in here." "Welcome, Henry." "Now, in our last session..." "Carol was concern that Henry is "a creature of habit."" " Yes." " Look, Mr. Rogers..." " Doctor Rogers." " Whatever." "Can we go on to someone else first, please?" "You see, Henry's hidden self is his true self... which is true for all of ourselves." "But we see his false self, which manifests itself... in his ritualistic, routine, compulsive behavior." "Yes, that's true." "Henry never takes any chances." "There's no spontaneity in our lives." " No "joi du vivre."" " Jua-da-what?" "Let's see." "It's Bumble Bee Tuna everyday for lunch." "6:30, Miller Lite time." "8:00, Nick at Nite for dinner." "And the best of Tom Jones CD before bed." " Tom Jones?" " It's like living with Rain Man." "Yeah, I know what you mean." " Well, today's his birthday." " Happy Birthday." "And you know what he wants?" "The exact same brown lamb's skin briefcase." "I don't know, perhaps you rather discuss Carol's collection of phallics?" "Phallics?" "They're not phallics, they're nudes!" "Whatever you call them, they're just a bunch of shlongs!" "Do you use live models?" "Carol's been painting and sculpturing naked people forever... but she never shows them to anybody." "Well, someone please tell him that takes years to be discovered!" "Because if you ever need a volunteer..." "What?" "She's a fine artist." "Thank you." "Lord knows, I mean, every Friday... she drags her portfolio down to the art galleries... but never steps inside." "I have problems... dealing with rejection." "Please, don't cry." "She cries at the drop of a hat." "Obviously, Carol's hidden self... is afraid to express her personal, exhibitionist wishes." "You see, everything we do is a window into our subconscious." "Now pay attention, because there will come a time... where you will be able to look into that window... and see who you are and why... and in that "transformative moment"... your life will become clear." "I want you all to read my new book." "It's only US$29,95... and it's signed." ""The Transformative Moment"." "It'll swag the bookstores." "Henry, hey!" "Hi, birthday boy." "Hey, Vic." "Carol says I'm too predictable, which is a croak... but since you know me longer than anybody..." " I value your opinion the most." " Okay." "Quit tapping the pencil, okay, Ringo." "And then wipe the white powder off your lips... from your daily doughnut fix... before someone thinks you've been blowing a kabuki." " I knew I could count on you, Vic." " Hey, waiter, where's my espresso?" "Hey, Henry, I gotta go." "Good you call." "See you tonight!" "Thank you." "Your check." "Okay, that's 1200." " What?" " Guavas." " The good ones." " Coming through." "Mr. Feldman?" "And I want those reports on my desk in 24 hours!" "You got that?" " Now run along!" " Right away, Sir." " Henry!" " Yes." " I want to talk to you!" " Yes, Sir." "Are you responsible for the bruises on these bananas?" "No, Sir." "That's Martin's..." "Stan Martin." "Yes." " In fact, I was just going to..." " Well, commend that son of a bitch." "The best god damn idea I've seen in twenty two years." " Now you like it?" " You bet your ass!" "Change the whole line." "And bump it up another 300 gross." "You know, since my Zoe died, I'm wearing nothing but costume made." "That's what this is all about." "Change." "That's what keeps the spirit going... that's what keeps your "schvantz" growing." "Not to mention a little help from... the blue boys." "You gotta try some, Henry?" "They'll turn your dick into the Terminator." "Well, that sounds very tempting, Sir, but, no, thank you." " And give that guy..." " Martin?" "Martin!" "Yeah." "Give him a raise, but not too much!" " Yes, Sir." " Alright, baby!" " Coming through, Mr. Feldman." " Right! "Viva la vida!"" "I'd like to remind you, in 1997..." "Fuck it." "Taxi!" " I'm so sorry." " My Gosh!" "No, it's my fault..." " No, no." " Please, forgive me." "You know, my husband has this same briefcase." " I just bought from on sale..." " Sale at Saks!" "I know." "It's kind of masculine, but I think it's sexy." "Here you go." "Interesting." "Oh my God, you're Madame Virginia." "Very nice." "These are excellent." "Is this you?" "No!" "Well, I'm the artist, so, artistically speaking, they're "me."" "Why?" "Do you like them?" "Hold on, right?" "Folks, keep moving." "Clear the doors." "21st." "Street." "Next stop, 21st." "Street." "I'm sorry." "Excuse me." "I don't know." "Henry!" "Henry!" "Come to Paradise, Henry!" ""Transformative moment", your life will become clear." ""Transformative moment"." ""Transformative moment"." "Your life will become clear." ""Transformative moment"." " "Transformative moment"." " "Transformative moment"." " "Transformative moment"." " "Transformative moment"." " Your life will become clear." " "Transformative moment"." "Clear." "Clear." "Clear." " Excuse me." "Thank you." " Here, why don't you sit down?" "Thank you, Sir." " Can you take this for me, thank you." " Here you go." "Hey, watch it!" " I'm sorry." " What's the matter with you?" " I didn't mean it." " I'm sorry." "Sorry." " Alright." "Are you alright?" " Yes." " Good." " Have a nice day." " Keep the change." "Thank you." " Thanks for the tip, lady." "Hello?" "Yes, Mr. Wong." "Of course, we're still on." "Yeah." "Okay." "Thank you." "You know, just don't come before 8:30 or you'll spoil the surprise party." "Yeah, I'm going to leave the front door open for the guests... but I'd like you to come in through the back door, okay?" "Yeah." "No, I'm looking forward to it." "Yes, I know your food is delicious." "Through here." "And the second one right to the back of the TV." "Right." "Alright, come on." "Push the furniture back." "First, let's get the other one." " How you doing, Henry?" " The usual, Tony." " One Bud Lite coming up." " Wait a minute." "Make it a Tuborg." "Creature of habit my ass." "Tuborg?" " Tuborg it is." " I never lock my briefcase." "Honey, where have you been?" "You were supposed to be home over an hour ago." "I mean, Vic and Gina will be here any minute." "For your birthday dinner!" "I mean, at least you could have called." "What, did you miss the train?" "Say something!" "Yellow pages." "Yellow pages?" "Why do you want the Yellow Pages?" " Were you in an accident?" " Let's see, travel agents." "No." "They'd be closed by now." " The airlines!" " The airlines?" "What do you want the airlines for?" "When you know Vic and Gina are coming?" "Hello?" "Delta?" "I knew it." " I'd like to get two tickets please." " Tickets?" " For tonight." " What?" "Anywhere in Europe." "Anywhere that's a hub." "London, Paris, Baghdad..." "Strike that." "Calcutta?" " Don't we need shots for that?" " What's the matter with you?" " Are you on something?" " What's the departure time?" "Hang on." "How long is it going to take to get to Newark Airport from here?" " You've been drinking!" " By taxi?" "No, I can smell it on your breath!" "Don't hang up." " Hang up the phone!" " Don't hang up!" "Eight o'clock, taxi, eight thirty, Newark, check in, security." " I'd say by ten." " I'm going to start getting angry..." " very, very soon!" " Hold on one second." "Don't hang up." "Carol, go pack." "Trust me." "Is this a joke?" "Because if it's, it isn't funny." "Just pack one suitcase!" "A small one." "Yeah, we'd like to make that first class." "Just a change of underpants and we'll buy everything else when we get there." " Get where?" " Barcelona?" "Excellent!" " 2200 hours. 2215 hours." " Henry?" "Excuse me, what's that in real people time, you know?" " Ten fifteen p.m., excellent!" " Please, Henry, you're scaring me!" "It's Perkins." "What?" "No, one way only." "We're not coming back." "Carol, please, sweet, I promise I'll tell you everything." "I'll explain it all." "Hello, Hoboken Cab?" "Yes." "I need a car right away to take two of us to Newark Airport." "Fifteen minutes, excellent!" "Perkins, Forty Sinatra Drive." "Great, thanks." " Henry!" " Carol!" "Carol, just listen." "No, you listen!" "You've been drinking and it's affected your brain." " Nothing's affected my brain." " Booking one way tickets to Barcelona... when we have dinner guests coming, that's normal?" "You know what?" "I think this is what Doctor Rogers warned us about." "A mid-life crisis." "You think your life is going nowhere." "It's probably not serious, just a temporary breakdown." "I don't think it's a blood clot." " What's that?" " What does it look like?" "It's money." " What is it?" " It's five million dollars." "In cash and bearer bonds." " But what is it?" " It's money, honey!" "Moola!" "Our ship has come in, honey!" "We just have hit the Donald "Freaking" Trump jackpot." ""He's fired."" "Passports!" " How did this get into your briefcase?" " It's not my briefcase." "What do you mean?" "Look, I was coming home on the train like I always do." "And somehow I ended up with some guy's briefcase that's exactly like mine." " Why didn't you give it back to him?" " To who?" "I didn't know it wasn't my briefcase until I saw the five million." "How do you know the exact amount?" " I counted it." " On the subway?" "No, on the toilet at Barney's Tavern." "I knew you were drinking!" "It's my "transformative moment", as Mr. Rogers said." "Oh my God!" "I don't believe it!" "You okay, man?" "Yes." "There I am, there it was." " But it's not our money." " It is now, go and pack." "Come on!" " It's stealing!" " Oh no!" "I've give it a lot of thought, Carol." "I figure the money's already been stolen." "All unmarked bills, bundled up in rubber bands." "Probably a payoff to some drug dealer or something." "And I don't think anybody is thinking about paying taxes on it." "Therefore, the money doesn't exist." "And if it doesn't exist, what did I steal!" "Nothing!" "Nada!" "Zouch!" "Zero!" "Doughnut." "But, Henry." "This is insane!" "My conscience is clear, Carol!" "You know what?" "I've worked very hard for more than twenty years." "I've devoted my life to the artificial fruit business... and at long last I've finally got my golden apple... and you know something?" "It's not wax!" "It's real." " Okay?" " Well, wait." "We can't just fly to Barcelona at a moment's notice." "Why not?" "You want to go someplace else?" "How about Bali?" "Hell, honey, we can buy Bali!" " What about our family?" " What family?" "I mean, no kids." "You're an orphan." "And my folks are dead." "No, they're not." "They're retired in Florida." " Same thing." " Well, and what about the police?" "The police will never get involved in this... because nobody will ever report this money missing." "Well, there's another reason that I need to stay here tonight." "And that is that I finally showed my artwork today to someone..." " and..." " No!" "Are you nuts?" "We can't even stay on the country." "I go to the office tomorrow, I'm a dead man." " Did you insult Mr. Feldman again?" " Not Mr. Feldman." "Mr. Nasty!" "I have his briefcase." "If I have his briefcase, he has mine." "It's got all my stuff in it." "Tomorrow he will come to the office looking for me and his briefcase." "But, by then, we'll be thousands of miles away... booked in some Spanish hotel as Mr. and Mrs. Cha, cha, cha." ""Olé!"" "What are you guys doing down there?" " Get out of there!" " I'm calling the cops." "It's not unusual to be rich Like no one else" "Henry, I've never seen you like this before." "That's because I've never felt like this before." "How about a quickie?" "Come on, I do all the work." "Henry, this isn't the time!" "You're right." "You're right." "The cab will be here any second." "I got an idea." "We can do it in the taxi on the way to the airport." "But, Henry, something wonderful happened to me today." "I'll say, we're rich!" " Oh, God!" " That'll be Vic and Gina." "You lose them, I'll continue packing." "What will I tell them?" "They think they're coming for pot roast." "I got it." "Here." "Tell them to go to the Rainbow Room." "It's on me!" "I can't believe this." "Sorry it took me so long, I..." "I thought you were..." "I was expecting someone else." "Detective Sergeant Genero." "Hoboken Police." "Is there a problem, officer?" "It's better I speak with the guy who just came in here, Ms..." " Mrs. Perkins..." " Yeah." "My husband's upstairs at the moment, but he'll be down shortly." " Would you like a nut?" " No." "God, I'm so sorry." "They're honey glazed." "So they're a little sticky." "There's one on your..." "I'm sorry for that." "Henry!" "That's my husband, Henry." "And those are probably our friends Vic and Gina." "So, please, please, would you please sit down?" "Or don't." "Henry!" "We're having dinner here tonight." "Me and Henry." "Vic and Gina." " It's his birthday." " That's good." " It's Henry's birthday, not Vic's." " Lady, the door." "Sure." "I'm sure he'll be down just momentarily... because he's changing in his birthday suit." "Gosh, he doesn't have any clothes on." "Hey, are you people deaf or what?" " What?" " You don't turn it up to nine, lady." "I thought you were..." "You thought I'll be here in fifteen minutes but I made it in ten." "Just remember that when it's time to tip the brother, alright?" "Excuse me?" " I am your cab driver." " Right, the taxi cab." "You know, actually I'm stand-up comic, you know." " By now I'm doing a sit down." " How nice." "That's right, I'll be a huge star, lady." " Where are your bags?" " Bags?" "Yeah, bags, lady, and I'm not talking paper or plastic." "Hey, that's funny." "That kills at the Safeway." "Okay, where's your luggage to airport?" "The cab's not for me." "It's for my... my sister." "Yeah, yes, she's staying with us, but she'll be leaving tonight." "Wait, wait, wait, the pick up here says, "Mr. Perkins"." "No, no, no, Mr. Perkins isn't going anywhere." "He just made the booking." " He has no reason to leave." " Alright." "Listen, why don't you wait in the taxi..." " Angel." " Angel, beautiful name." "My husband will down in a jumpy." "My sister isn't quite ready yet." "Where are they flying to?" "What terminal?" "I'm sorry?" "Your sister." "What's her destination?" "Australia." "Yes, yes, she's been here visiting us and now she'll be returning... to Sydney." " Good." "Down under?" " That's right." "Look, you tell Mr. and Mrs. Crocodile Dundee..." " There's a Mr. and Mrs.?" " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "The pick-up says two people." "Of course, because that's my sister, Leslie, and her husband..." "Chris." "Chris!" " Yes!" " Great." "I'll be parked around the corner." "Okay, alright, see you." "In just... when my sister..." "Okay, all packed!" "Just underpants, deodorant and toothpaste." " Honey?" " Yeah." "We have a visitor." "A visitor?" "Oh, great, the cabbie!" " Detective Sergeant Genero." " Really?" "What's seems to be the problem, detective?" "It's my tune playing too loud again, the neighbors complain, I know." "No, if your Mrs. doesn't mind, I think it's better... if we discuss our business in private." "I'll just wait until your sister-in-law is gone." "Sister-in-law?" " He's referring to Leslie." " Leslie?" "Yeah, she said they're just about to leave." " When he says "they"..." " Leslie and Chris." " Leslie and Chris." " Back down under." " Back down under?" " Down under..." "Sydney." "Leslie, Chris and Sydney?" "Thanks for bringing their luggage down, honey." "My pleasure." "I don't think the Sergeant needs to wait for Leslie and Chris to leave..." " do you?" " Absolutely not." " That must be the cab." " Angel's already here." " Who's Angel?" " The cab driver." "But he's really a stand-up comic." "Then it's probably Vic and Gina then." "Get rid of them." "But we've invited them to your birthday dinner." "Tell them, you know, to leave their presents and go." "I want to keep my wife for myself tonight, you know." "It's my birthday, not Vic's." "They'll understand." "Just tell them we're going to bed." "After I've satisfied the Sergeant." "When I say satisfied, sounds funny, I mean... after I've helped him in whatever the help needs." "Please." " Henry, I can't cope!" " Yes, you can't." " No, I can't." " Yes, you can." "She can." "She just thinks she can't." "Maybe I better answer the door." "Would you mind waiting in the kitchen?" " Don't be long, Perkins." " I won't." "You said Mr. Nasty wouldn't go to the cops." "Who said he did?" "Why else would he want to see you alone?" "He doesn't know this isn't my life savings." "Five million dollars?" " I've been frugal." " I need a drink." " You don't drink." " I don't care." "Pull yourself together, Carol." "This is the happiest day of our lives." "Hey!" "You know the meter's ticking, right?" " Meter?" " In the taxi, man." "Look here, I know waiting is part of my job, but I hate waiting." "Unless it's for the lotto or a female with some tigle bitties, who's easy." "You must be the hack comic, right?" "Yeah, right, okay, get the suitcase." " What about the policeman?" " Police?" "Now cops make me nervous." "The last time I got pulled over for drunk driving... a cop made me blow up a balloon." " So what?" " It was the Goodyear blimp." "Then I got out and he said I was too drunk to even walk." "I said, "Why the heck do you think I'm driving?"" "Very funny." "Okay, just wait in the taxi, will you, Def Jam?" "What about your in-laws, are they going?" "It's the in-laws that are going, it's the outlaws." " Taxi!" "Taxi!" " Whatever." "I can't go through with this." "It's making me a nervous wreck." "It's already driven me to drink." "You go without me." "How many times do I have to tell you, Carol?" "Tomorrow morning, Mr. Nasty will call my office and get our address." "If he comes here and you're still here... he'll put you in the Cuisinart and set to frappe... and will chop, dice and stir you into minced housewife." "And that'll be all thanks to you." " So they left?" " Who's that?" " Your wife's sister and her husband." " Mr. and Mrs..." " Chris and Leslie." " Chris and Leslie." "It's the last name that gets the pronunciation thing..." "Brown!" "That's right." "Sometimes I say Brom or Groim." "Oh, my God!" "Carol, you're a bundle of nerves." "It's just Vic and Gina." "Don't forget to tell them you're my surprise birthday present in bed!" "Henry!" "She's so jumpy." "I'm sorry." " Sorry we're late." " Oh, Gina!" "I say "we", but that stupid husband of mine... is down in the street yelling at a cabbie." "A cabbie?" "He hit a taxi that was parked on the street." "Some little black guy." " Of course Vic called him a..." " Angel!" "No, I believe it was a four letter word." "Gina, it's terrible." "Henry's gone crazy." "He's in the kitchen now with the police." "Have I missed a couple of sentences here?" " He stole five million dollars!" " Who has?" " Henry!" " Henry stole five million dollars?" "He picked up the wrong briefcase, went to a bar... saw all this money, and sat on the toilet, overcome..." "You know, whole paragraphs are disappearing now." "I was on a stakeout tonight over Barney's Tavern." " Barney's?" " Yeah." "I observed some pretty strange behavior from you." "From me, strange?" " Well..." " How strange?" "Very strange." " Oh God!" "Shit." " Yeah." "He bought a one-way ticket to Barcelona." "And if I don't like it there he's going to buy Bali for me." "Carol, you're imagining all this." "We're talking about Henry here, sweetheart." "Your Henry!" "Henry couldn't possibly steal five million..." " Henry, you son of a bitch." " What am I going to do?" "I'd take Bali." "What a moron!" "He's calling the cops!" "Cops?" "More cops?" "He says he's taking your sister to Newark Airport." "I need a drink." "I think I need one and so does Carol." " Carol doesn't drink." " She does now." "Old Bushmill." "A double!" "I'd kind of like to know what you were doing in that toilet?" "Toilet?" " What?" " The toilet?" "I had a little intestinal cash... gas." "Hey, don't bullshit me." "No, Sir." "And now Mr. Nasty is gonna chop, dice and mince me!" "Yeah, right." "I'll be with you in a second, Sergeant!" "What's happened, have you been arrested?" "Don't say anything without a lawyer." "My hair dresser Cynthia, has a second cousin... that body waxes Alan Dershowitz." "Should I call her?" " Henry, these are real?" " Carol!" "You shouldn't have told them!" "I thought Vic could talk some sense into you." "You were supposed to take the present and blow them off." " Charming." " Nice." "And stop drinking, you're going to make yourself sick." "Give me that." "What did the Sergeant say?" "He wasn't exactly satisfied with my explanation." "I knew you should have turned the money in." "You give it back, apologize." "Tell him you didn't realize it was the wrong briefcase!" "Take it easy!" "He doesn't know anything about the money." "But you just said he wasn't satisfied with your explanation." "About my behavior in Barney's Tavern, that's what." " What's he talking about?" " God only knows." "The cop was on a stakeout at Barney's." "And he thought my behavior was a little strange... going in and out of the men's room, back and forth then I confessed." " Confessed to what?" " To soliciting." "Soliciting what?" "Men." "I knew you were going to do that." "Why would he think you were soliciting men?" "Well, he claims he saw me go into the john four times in a half hour." "And each time I came out, he said I looked more and more excited." "Apparently I was also breathing heavily, and my hands were shaking... and I was flowing at the mouth." "Anyway... for ten thousand dollars he won't say a thing." "You can't bribe a police officer!" "Hey, I offered him five, he wanted twenty... we settled on ten." "Okay, tell the taxi driver we'll be right down." "That taxi's going nowhere, he's out of commission." " Out of commission?" " Vic backed into him." " That's not true, he backed into me." " Now our bumpers are locked." "Well un-lock him, Vic!" "I've got a plane to catch!" "Take a look at him." "You see what money does to people?" "Come on, Gina, I don't have to take this." "Screw the "nouveau riche."" "Can you believe my Henry?" "He's only been here ten minutes... and he's already admitted to soliciting, bribed a police officer and bought Bali." "And you married him." " You lucky dog." " Come on." "Ten thousand." "Four, five, six, seven, eight." "Hey, hey, hey!" "You're gonna dent my fender, man!" "Come on." " Shut up, or I'll dent your head!" " You couldn't dent a head of lettuce." "You wanna piece of me?" "Hey, you know I think I stepped in a piece of you." "Hey, hey, hey!" "Larry and Curly?" " Knock it off!" " What did I do?" "Rum." "Hello!" " Brandy." " Hello!" "Amaretto." "Excuse me." " Oh my!" " I'm sorry." "Are you Mrs. Perkins?" " Why?" "You selling something?" " No, no." "Detective Slater." "N.Y.P.D." " Homicide?" " That's right." "I'm afraid I have some rather disturbing news for you, Ma'am." "We have reason to believe Mr. Perkins, your husband... well, he's dead." "Dead in what sense?" "Well, two bullet holes through the back of the head dead." "Bullets?" "His body was dumped in the East River." " River?" " And his face is badly beaten." "Several ribs are broken." "We'll know more after the autopsy." " So it wasn't an accident, then?" " No, no." "Maybe I should make you a cup of coffee." " Where's the kitchen?" " Over there." "No!" "No!" "I don't drink!" "I mean, I don't drink coffee." "So tell me." "What makes you think that this body is my Henry?" "Although we found no formal identification on him... he still had his briefcase." "I'm so sorry." "This is your husband's briefcase, isn't it?" "It's been in the river." "The police divers recovered these." "That's the tuna sandwich I made Henry." "He just loves the way I mince the onions." "I'm sorry." "A formal identification is going to be required." "No, this's definitely a tuna sandwich..." "Of the body." "Are you sure you okay?" "Yes, I'm fine." "Heartbroken, but fine." "Okay, we can go in my car if you like." "It's right across the Holland tunnel." "He's in the morgue there." "Should I wait here while you go get your purse?" "No, no." "I'll rather you wait down in your car." "Are you sure?" "You look a little shaky." "Well, how would you feel if your husband was just shot..." " and couldn't get to finish his lunch?" " Of course." "Yeah, no." "Is there anybody else in the house?" "To look after you?" "Yes." "There's my sister Leslie." " Good." "Sister?" " Yes, she's here." "She's here, and she's upstairs." "And she's with her husband." "And it's Leslie and Chris." "Would you believe?" "One thousand short." " Honey, say hello to..." " Slater..." " Hi, how are you?" " Detective Slater!" " Detective?" " N.Y.P.D." "He's brought some disturbing news that I don't think that I'm quite sure... how to handle it." "Why don't you sprawl out and relax a little bit, sweet?" "You have a little..." "No, I'm better standing." "It's easier to get to the drinks." "Okay, we go on three, crapdriver!" " One, two..." " Asshole!" "three!" "The bumper!" "Watch out." "No!" "No!" "Damn!" "What seems to be the problem, Detective?" " Who are you?" " I'm Mr. Perkins." " Are you a relative, Sir?" " Of whom?" " Of Henry A. Perkins." " I..." "Yes, he is." "Henry's brother." " Henry's brother?" " Yes!" "He's poor, poor Henry's dear brother." "I'm afraid I have a shock for you, Sir." "We have pretty much every reason to believe that Mr. Henry Perkins is dead." " Yep, that's a shock, alright?" " He's been murder." "We fished his body out of the East River." " Kick the bucket." " Two bullet on his head." " Pushing up the old daisies." " I get it, Carol." "He's dead." "All he had with him was his briefcase." " This is your brother's?" " Oh God!" "Oh God!" "Oh God!" "Oh God!" "Since Mrs. Perkins is the next of kin... we need her to make a positive identification of the body." "Mr. Nasty..." "Nasty." "It's a nasty, nasty thing." "Henry!" "You can't call him back, Carol!" "If Henry has gone to Heaven he's gone to Heaven." "You'll have to rely on me now." "His little brother..." " Freddy!" " Gilbert!" "She's in shock." "Take a look at that strange guy in front of Carol and Henry's." "What?" "You don't think that's Mr. Nasty?" "Actually, it's Freddy Gilbert Perkins." "You'll have to excuse my wife." "Yes, my wife..." "You'll have to excuse my wife." "I don't know where the heck she could be." "I'm know she'd want to be here to comfort Carol..." "Bernice..." "Bernice's my wife, of course." "She must be resting up before we..." " take off for Sydney." " Australia?" " You're a long way from home." " Yeah, yeah, that's right." "We had quite a nice walkabout here in the States." "And it's time now..." "it's our lambing season." "We have some sharing to do, and hunt down a few of those crocks... and turn them out into a few shrimps on the barbie..." "We've got to tell Leslie and Chris as well, Freddy." "Oh yeah." "That's going to put a damper on the family reunion..." "How about I make some coffee while you stay on the den?" " But, Henry, my..." " My brother loved the den." "It's..." "On second thought, he was very fond of the... curb outside, in front of the house." "Extraordinary." "He likes staying out there." "He can ruminate for hours." " Why don't you wait outside?" " I'd rather wait up here." "I'm waiting." " One thousand." " Yeah, okay." "That's my other brother." " Other brother?" " Yes, that's Archie." "We were in the middle of the game of draughts." "Draughts..." " You know, darts." " Henry!" " It's no use calling him!" " Yeah, but, Henry..." "She just can't accept that he's gone." "It's me, Freddy, Henry's brother." "Yeah, well... what are we going to do?" "We're going to pray." "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..." "Oh God almighty..." "Detective, you seem like a man who enjoys fine art." "Do you like Mapplethorpe?" "Excuse me." "Hello." "What?" "What are all the nude guys doing out?" "Listen to what I'm trying to tell you." "I went to the Soho Art Gallery today... and "the" Madame Virginia... loved "me."" "My work, I mean." "She even told me to call her "V"." "Carol... this is fantastic." "I know!" "If Henry Perkins is dead, nobody's coming after him." " Henry, you were not listening to me." " It had to be Mr. Nasty who got shot." "So he's not coming after us." "What's that?" " Give it to me." " Hello?" "I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're saying." " Who is it?" " I don't know he sounds foreign." "What?" "He keeps saying "brerfcurse"." ""Brerfcurse"?" ""Brerfcurse, brerfcurse"." ""Brerfcurse, brerfcurse"." "Case." "Case." "Give me that." "I'm sorry, the briefcase's moved to Thailand." "Good day." "Brerfcurse, brerfcurse!" " That was probably Mr. Big." " Who's Mr. Big?" " The guy who shot Mr. Nasty." " Why's he calling us?" "Because we have Mr. Nasty's briefcase with Mr. Big's money in it!" "Henry!" " You'll never guess what we just did." " Never mind, Vic." " We have to get out of here right away." " We can't go now!" " She's right..." "Mr. Nasty..." " Carol, you're bombed." "You're not making any sense." "I know what's best." "Oh yeah, Mr. Know-it-all." "Then you tell me how we're gonna make a break for it... with NYPD Blue waiting in the den?" " N.Y.P.D. who?" " Never mind, Vic." "But Gina's outside with the body." "Yes, who's going to identify the dead body?" " Dead body?" "No, no..." " Vic, please!" "Please!" " Say hello to my little friend." " I think your briefcase is ringing." " Don't answer it." " It's him again." " Who?" " Mr. Nasty." "No, it can't be Mr. Nasty, he's..." "You're right, you're right, it's Mr. Big!" " Do I know Mr. Big?" " He's Mr. Brerfcurse." " Mr. who?" " He's the guy who killed Mr. Nasty." " He's foreign." " Who is?" "Mr. Brerfcurse." "He's Mr. Big." "How did he get your phone number?" "It's not our phone, it's Mr. Nasty's phone." " I'm scared." " Why?" "Because, I think I'm starting to understand you." "Say hello to my little friend." "Hey!" "Come on, guys." " Vic, didn't you tell them about..." " Say hello to..." " Perkins Residence." " Gina!" "No!" " That wasn't very nice." " You don't have to be nice to Nasty!" " I thought Mr. Nasty was dead?" " He couldn't be, he's..." " He is!" "I meant Mr. Big!" " Who's Mr. Big?" "Here we go again..." "Perkins." "Perkins." "Audio timeline: 8:31 p.m. Arrived thirteen minutes ago." "I notified the widow of her husband's demise..." "I offered coffee and a sympathetic shoulder." "Widow opted for Bushmill." "It's now 8:33 p.m." "Still waiting for in-laws to depart." "My police instinct tells me something is amiss..." "I feel... a danger lurking." "If Mr. Nasty is dead, then who's the guy in the front porch?" "Oh my God!" "Mr. Feldman!" "Hello, Captain?" "Yes, Sir." "Well, I am still here." "I know that, Captain." "Yes, I understand." "I..." "I know you're hungry, I'm simply..." "Okay, let me just grab..." "Yeah, Vindaloo, Chippatti..." "Poppadom, Bhajee..." "A little slower, Captain." "This is actually my first Indian take-out order." "So bear with me." "How do you spell Vindaloo?" "Capitan?" "Hello?" "You idiot." "Sorry about that, a little technical..." "How do you spell Vindaloo, Captain?" "Captain?" "Captain?" "He's soaking wet." "What did you do to him?" "Vic hit him with your birthday present." " You didn't!" " Yeah, '89 Obrion." " You didn't!" " I did." "Really?" "It's a fabulous year." " Would somebody tell me who this guy is?" " He's Henry's boss." " Welcome to our home, Mr. Feldman!" " I thought he was Mr. Nasty." "He pulled a knife on me." "Cigar clippers?" "What?" "Did you think he was gonna give you a pedicure?" "I haven't forgotten about you." "Coffee'll be a sec." "No." "Don't worry, he's alive." "Grandpa's got a boner the size of the Chrysler Building!" "That's because he's been using the stiff stuff." "I've been talking to Vic about using these." " Gina!" " What'd I say?" "It's not like he has a major problem, or anything." "Sometimes... and only sometimes I lose my concentration... it's no trouble rising to the occasion... it's just that I tend to leave the party early." " It's too much info, Vic." " It is." "It is." "Carol, what's Mr. Feldman doing here anyway?" "I invited him for your birthday dinner." "Henry, this is an omen." "This is God telling you to give the money back." "I'll deal with God when we get to Barcelona." "Oh God!" " We're dead." " How did he get our phone number?" "Because Miss Howard Stern gave him our last name." "Birthday boy, that's it." "Gina, we're out of here!" "Can't we wait until intermission?" "Your phone's ringing." "Phone ringing?" "I don't hear a phone ringing?" "It must be the telly upstairs." "Maybe your ears are plugged." "Please." "Give us a minute." "We're grieving." " This is a painful time for us." " Very painful." "Pulsingly." "Hey, Perkins!" "Alright, what are you doing?" "Time is money, you know." "I'm out of one here and waiting on the other. "Capice"?" "Hello?" "Yeah, just a minute." "Hi, mom, how's the laryngitis." "Yeah, okay, I love you too." "Bye." "Hey, snap it up." "You didn't forget about the rest of your charitable contribution... to my policemen fund, did you?" "I mean, it's tax deductible." "Are any of you crazy ass white going to Newark Airport tonight?" "Because my meter's running like a crack head mama's VCR." "Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Brown." "My in-laws." " No, you mean the outlaws." " No!" "I know what I mean, you know what I mean?" "Why don't you wait outside?" "I ain't hanging around here all damn night." "I'm giving you five minutes, you got that?" "One, two, three, four, five and "adiós"." "I'm out of here, you got that?" "And I better get a fat ass tip, you know what I mean?" "They'll be less than that." "Here, here." "Take the Brown's bag, okay?" "What, just one suitcase?" "Traveling all the way from Australia?" "Yes." "What are they, nudists?" "Yes." "Crazy ass nudists." "He's got a point there." "Two people, round the world trip with one suitcase?" " Hey, are they nudists?" " Only when they take their clothes off." "I'm just thinking maybe you and your wife are the ones who's go on a trip." " No, no, no." " Where are they then, these in-laws?" " Chris and Leslie?" " Yeah." "Leslie's outside, isn't he, Henry?" "That's correct." "And I'm Chris." "Yes, this is Chris." "My wife's sister, from Sydney." "Oh my God!" "Oh my God!" "My sister is from Sydney?" "This gotta stop!" "Enough!" "Enough!" "This gotta stop!" "What the hell are you doing?" "Let's go." "Leslie!" "Oh my God, good day." " Good day?" " Yes, good day." "Yes." "I was just talking with the dingo here from the kitchen..." " Oh, the kitchen!" " Yes, the kitchen." "About the ten thousand." "Yes, yes." "I believe we're even." "Well, be careful crossing the street, Sergeant." "We wouldn't want anyone running you over like a dog... and leave you squirming and writhing in the street." "Thanks for your concern, Perkins." "It touches me." "But if I thought I was in any danger at all out here..." "I mean I'd just blast that car and..." "bang-bang." "Yeah, I shoot the insides out of a cannoli." "Anyway... this has been rewarding." "I can't wait to come back for a visit." "Now you'll be safe." "I look forward to see you." "Thank God, he's gone!" "Now I feel like a drink." "I feel like a cigarette." "Maybe I should go out and come back in again?" "Shut up, Vic, and help me move him." "Alright, grab his feet." "Let's get him up." "Mr. Perkins?" "Excuse me." "Detective?" "Are you through with licking the statues' ass?" "Yes." "No, that..." "The body's waiting at the morgue." "We really must be going..." "I know, I know the feeling." "Listen, we ought to get you washed up first." "You know I'd love if you'd make the coffee." "It's in the cupboard." "I like mine black." "This is weird, watching you take off another man's pants." " I'm in the medical profession." " You're a dental hygienist." "What the hell are you two doing?" "This suit is drenched." "Do you want him to catch pneumonia?" "Well, show the man some dignity." "He's naked for God's sakes." "Holly salami." "We're never gonna make that flight." "Vic, cover him up." "These babies really last." "Hello?" "Yes, this is Henry Perkins." "I made a reservation earlier tonight for two to Barcelona at 10:15." "What's the next flight out?" "Very good." "Can you get to Greece from there?" "Excellent, 11:07." "Thank you." "Greece?" " How romantic." " Don't tell her, Gina." "It's a surprise." "What now?" "Carol!" "Jesus!" "What's up, Angel?" "My blood pressure?" "I'm still waiting on this wacky couple to go to Newark Airport." "There's a broke down limo eight blocks from you." "You want the fare?" "Screw that naked fools." "Mr. Perkins, coffee's ready!" "For Christ sake!" "Do you mind?" "I'm taking a bath." "Mrs. Perkins?" ""Greece, 11:07."" "What are you trying to do, kill yourself?" " It's better than going to jail." " We're not going to jail." "Betty Ford maybe, but not jail." " Leave me alone!" " Carol, stop it!" "I need privacy." "Everybody out!" "Hey, Perkins?" "Audio timeline: 8:55 p.m. A major clue discovered." "8:55, 17 seconds, a second major clue." "Three!" "Three!" "That's three major clues... in roughly under 44 seconds!" " Do me a favor, will you, Leslie?" " Call me Vic." "Vic!" "Give this to that neurotic cabby." "Will you see do he stays here." "Perkins?" "What are you two hiding under the blanket?" "We weren't expecting you back, Sergeant." " Right, Leslie?" " Yeah, that's right." "That's right." " Is that why you look so guilty?" " Guilty?" "We're just sitting here." "We're relaxing." "Kicking the heck, you know." "What a night!" "I was outside "noodleing"." "My guts brought me here." "I don't buy a story anymore." "Why not?" "I thought it was a good one." "I mean, first, you brag about getting lucky on your birthday... bumping skin with the old lady." "And then fast as you can squeeze out a fart, you confessed me you're a fag." "There's a very, very, very good explanation for that." " You've got my attention." " Yeah, mine too." " Carol, my wife..." " Yeah?" "This is the real "me!" Thanks to Doctor Rodgers... not you!" "Carol!" " She's a man!" " A man?" "Keep it down, Leslie, you know how sensitive he is?" "Transsexual, actually." "A very prominent Beverly Hills doctor had the operation a couple years ago." "Cost us a fortune." "That doc sure did a helluva job." "A hell of a job." "You don't think I can tell the difference... between a scungili and a calamari?" "So, what can we do for you, Sergeant?" "Nothing, your cabby split." "He left your suitcase right in the street." " How thoughtful of you." " I wouldn't want anybody to reap it off." " That guy scares me." " He scares me too." " Hey, give me the keys to your car." " What for?" "To get to the airport." "You heard, the cab is gone." " You can't take my car." " I'll give you five thousand." " Ten." " Seven and five." " Done." " Done." "9:04 p.m. I have assemble the victim's entire..." "I suspect that the victim was a male, roughly 5'11", maybe 5'12"." "5'11", 188 pounds, I think." "By the look of it I would say there's definitely a... naked and dead body somewhere in this house." " I'm sorry." " It's not your fault." "Cinderella, your coach has arrived." "Is it true what they say about you red hairs?" "Is it true what they say about cabbies?" "Hell, yeah!" "What they say?" "Okay, here's your seven and five hundred, Mr. Best Friend." "Thank you." "Mr. Perkins, something smells rotten and I don't like it." "It wasn't me." "You must be Mrs. Perkins' brother-in-law." " Brother?" " Brother." "Mr. Perkins, did you know there's a naked dead man in your house?" "No, no, it was an accident." "I was totally self-defense." " Where is he?" " Well, I don't know yet." "I've only found his clothes." "So you don't really know that he's dead?" " You only know that he's naked." " I'll tell you what I do know." "These clothes contain blood splatters... which could only come from a gunshot wound... caused by a Ruger Super Red Hawk .44" "Magnum with a Hologram Scope." "Or a bottle of Château Obrion." "Likely story." "I got a big nose." "Robust." " It's the '89?" " Excellent!" "Hey, somebody's got to make a liquor run." " Well, she's in for the night." " Carol?" "Detective, I'd like you to meet my sister-in-law." "Leslie, let's go downstairs and have a cup of coffee." "What did the fish say when he's hanging in the wall." " What?" " Damn!" "Why Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?" " Why don't you tell me?" " For drizzle." "That's so not funny." "We have to hide the briefcase before Slater sees it." "Mr. Perkins?" "Mr. Perkins?" "Mr. Perkins?" "Henry, the oven!" "Detective?" "Where did you go?" "Mr. Perkins?" "Who's going to identify the body?" "What body, Henry?" "I told you not to use that name, Leslie." " What name, Henry?" " That name, Leslie." "I might just break down and weep like a baby." " He does know, doesn't he?" " Yes, he knows!" "I've told him!" " Told me what?" " That Henry Perkins is dead." "Dead?" "How do you mean, dead?" " I thought you just said you told him?" " I did tell him, I just got so far as... tell him that Henry wasn't looking too well." "His body was found with two bullet holes in the East River." "I guess that would explain why he wasn't looking too well." "I was trying to break it to him gently." "He was identified by his briefcase." "Oh yeah!" "His "brerfcurse"." "That's why Carol's so upset... poor, dear Carol." "It's good thing her brother-in-law was here." " Yes." " I thought I was her brother-in-law." "You are!" "We both are, just from different sides of the family." "That's something else I know, isn't it?" "Now do you see why I had to break it to him slowly?" "He hasn't been the same since he fell off that kangaroo." "Henry had two brothers-in-law... you, Leslie... and me, Freddy." "Because Henry's dead." "Yes!" "Tragic." "Yes." "Now everybody in the family knows Henry's dead." "Dead, dead, dead." "Chris and Leslie." "And Carol." "And my wife Bernice." "And me, reliable Freddy." " What about Archie?" " Who's Archie?" "I don't remember who Archie is." "This is it." "Here?" "Come on, you don't want to go in there." "Trust me, it's easier to stay out than to get out." " I'll be back in a bit." " Hey, doll." "Do you believe in love at first sight... or do I have to walk by again?" "Keep walking." "Hello?" "Anybody home?" "Mrs. Perkins?" "It's..." "Madame Virginia." "Mrs. Perkins?" "Yummy." " Is Archie still here?" " No, Archie had to leave." "You guys saw that good looking broad come in here?" "He's back!" " What?" " He is?" " Nice to see you again, Archie." " What are you talking about?" "I said it's good to see you again, Archie." "I don't think you've officially met my brother Archie..." "Detective Slater?" " Please." " Are you a cop?" "N.Y.P.D." "This is my big brother, Archie Perkins." "Yes, Archie Perkins, damn glad to meet you!" "I hate him!" "I wish he'd fall into a vat of hot wax... and get molded into a giant corn on the cob!" "What happened to my Henry?" "The Henry I fell in love with?" "The Henry that used to paint my toe nails?" "You know, Carol, if my husband brought home a briefcase full of money..." " I'd be out the door in a flash." " Well, It's not about the money." "Tonight was going to be my night." "I was finally going to be discovered." "Honey, don't you think you're a little bit over dressed?" "Who are you?" "Where am I?" "Is this a fantasy?" "It must have cost me a fortune." "Is this a dream?" "No, I'm real." "N.Y.P.D. is a little out of your jurisdiction, isn't it?" "I'm waiting for Mrs. Perkins to accompany me to the morgue... to identify the body." " There's a body now?" " Doesn't he know, Freddy?" "Freddy, is it?" "The sad thing about it, Archie, is that Henry's dead." "No!" "Freddy!" "You know, last time I saw him I thought he looked a bit pale." "He was shot in the head and drowned in the river, Archie." "He always had suicidal tendencies." "We suspect murder." "Murder?" "Leslie, why don't you take brother Archie up on the roof... and discuss what kind of cash he may be gaining from Henry's will, poor Henry." "Freddy, I don't think the roof's a good idea." " Yeah, I think it's a very good idea." " Freddy!" " You can fill in the blank spots for me." " Don't worry." "There are too many blanks." " Well, now, how about that..." " Don't say coffee." "I want Mrs. Perkins now!" "Well, now, Detective..." "I realize she's an available woman, but don't you think it's a little soon... after her husband's demise to be thinking that sort of thing?" " I didn't mean it that way." " I'll just pretend I never heard it..." "Mr. Perkins?" "Surprise!" "Happy birthday to you" "Happy birthday to you Happy" "Damn safety cap." " Henry, where are you going?" " Come back in here." "Why're those people singing "happy birthday Henry" to you?" "There's a very good reason." "Yes?" "Henry and I are twins." "Identical." "Identical twins." "My, my, my, this is getting more complicated by the minute." "And you call yourself a detective..." "Maybe this case is just a little too big for the N.Y.P.D.?" "I tell you what, while I go out there... and explain to those people about poor Henry." "I'm sorry." "You stay here and you make that coffee." "It's in the cupboard." "Twins." "And?" "And he has two first class tickets to Greece!" "And?" "That's all I know." "It was Michelangelo." "No, it was Da Vinci who said that..." ""Man is in the wrong to be ashamed to exhibit it... he ought to adorn and display it."" "Let's face it." "Women everywhere dream of going with an Italian named Marcello to Venice." "You ever hear of a chick wanting to go with a Jew named Murray to Tel Aviv?" "Well, unless he's charming, good-looking, smart, funny..." " sexy..." " Did I mention I was rich?" "So am I." " Happy birthday, Henry." " Thanks, Steve, thanks for coming." "Everybody?" "Everybody..." "I just want to say "thank you very much"." "You really did surprise me." "Thank you." "My friend Henry Perkins." "A regular guy if ever I knew one." "Henry's as regular as Exlax!" "Wait a minute, wait a minute, that Henry Perkins doesn't exist anymore." "In fact, Henry Perkins is dead." " Yeah!" " Yeah!" " Doesn't anybody like the guy?" " I don't know." "I said cream and sugar, didn't I?" "Come on." "There's a party going on here." "Open this door, Carol." "Oh my God, Carol!" "What have you done?" "Wake up!" "Wake up, Carol!" " Please, wake up!" " Gina!" "Tonight's party is a theme party." "I'm sure Carol told everything to you... when she set this incredible thing up." "I don't know where she is." "She's probably upstairs doing her nails." "She should be down by breakfast." "Come on, honey, open wide." "Anyway, anyway." "It's a murder mystery." "Henry's been shot in the head twice." "Nobody knows who's done it." "It could be anybody here." "We hired two actors to play police detectives." "So that'll make it a little more interesting." "And remember, I'm..." "Henry's evil twin..." "Freddy!" "The blue represents all the dark midnights of a starving New York artist." " Its simplicity is it's genius!" " Yes." "Just like my wax blueberries." "You know, it's great that we're both in the arts." "Yours hangs on museum walls... and mine sits on kitchen tables." "Mr. Feldman?" " Stan Martin." " Who are you?" "I work for you." " Bruised bananas." " Oh yeah, Martin, the wiz kid." "Why don't you whiz on over to the bar... and grab us a couple of glasses of chardonnay?" "Sure." "What happened?" "So far my pleading ignorance has cost you a hundred grand." " A hundred grand?" " Well, first he wanted fifty... for not spilling the beans about Henry, Leslie, Freddy and Archie." "What about the other fifty?" "For not spilling the beans about Carol being a man." " What?" " That's what happens... when you leave the room for five minutes." "Where's Captain corruptness now?" "Up on the roof singing, "If I was a rich man"." "Vic?" "I just want you to know that your wife not only broke our bathroom door... but she assaulted my person." "Carol, you can't go to the airport dressed like that?" "That's because I'm not going." "I'm not going to spend the rest of my life "on the lamb."" "For God's sakes, Carol, just go!" "Henry needs looking after." " Yeah, he can find someone else." " Don't think I couldn't." "I can think of a thousand women who would jump at the chance." " Yeah?" "Name one!" " Gina Johnson." "You what?" "That is, if you don't mind and, you know..." "Henry would take me." "Is there something wrong with my hearing?" "Very well." "I'm sure you two will be very happy together." "Now if you'll excuse me, I have party guests to attend to." "Get a grip of yourself." "Thank you." "Carol always did know how to make an entrance." "Hi, Bill." "Thanks." "Mary Ann, great to see you." "Joe, it's the best score I ever made." "And I didn't have to whack anybody either." "Come on, we're late." "Everybody let's kick up!" "Mr. Perkins?" "Mr. Perkins, I have had it!" " Where did you go, detective?" " No, no, no." "That's enough of that." "I've had with that." "Okay." "Who's booked on a 11:07 flight to Greece?" "Let me see that." "That's isn't a reservation for an airline." "That's a reservation for a Broadway show... on November the seventh." " Broadway show?" " Yeah, some revival of Grease." "You know." "We go together like shama lama lama Da dingity dingy dop" "This was my birthday present to Henry." "Don't." "There's two hundred and fifty down the drain, huh, Leslie?" "Excuse me, do you have a cork screw?" " Mr. Perkins?" " Don't answer that." "Yeah, forty Sinatra Drive." " Who was it?" " Mr. Brerfcurse is on his way." "Brerfcurse?" "You smell lamb?" " Fire!" "Fire!" " Oh my God!" "Fire!" " Fire!" "Fire!" " Take it out." " Take water." "Water, water!" " Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Tampering with evidence is a felony." "Punishable by up to ten years in prison." "No, no, no, this is just my briefcase." "It's just my briefcase." "It's just like yours." "They just look alike." "That's all." "Show to him." " See, it's here." " Same kind." "Great minds think alike, detective." "I'd like that piece of paper back." "The piece of paper?" "Yes, indeed." "It was right..." "Here we are." "Mr. Perkins, as an officer of the law..." "I'm ordering you to come with me to identify your brother's body!" "What, are you insane?" "I can't identify Henry's body." "He was my twin." "It would be like..." "like looking at myself... dead on the slab." "I just need some member of the family to come with me." " Not me!" " You will be well paid, Leslie." "It's not unusual for one of the members of the bereaved family..." " to volunteer for the job." " I never volunteer on principle." "You'll be well, well paid, Leslie." "No, there's no payment involved in this." "You know what I mean, for transportation." "Transportation?" "He has to go across the river." "Yes, across the river and back." "Do you know how much the tolls are?" "Look, why don't you just let the family take care of this?" " You finish making the coffee..." " I've made the coffee." " I've made the coffee twice." " Sure it's cold by now." "Cold as ice." "Better make a new pot!" " Okay, Leslie." " No." " I'm not going." " Leslie, let me handle this." "I'm not going, Freddy." "I'm not doing it." "I'm not doing it." "I'm not." "I'm not." "I'm not." "You don't know broke." "I'm so broke I got groceries only one way." "Don't worry, they're making more." " I'm going down to that morgue, Henry!" " Vic, I'm begging you." "Please." " Not in a million years." " There's cash, of course." " It's not a question of... how much?" " Ten thousand." " Thirty." " Twenty." " Twenty-five." " Done." "It's amazing how fast it goes." "So are you surprised someone bumped Henry off?" "No, man, not if all the stories about Carol... doing Henry's twin brother, Freddy, are true." "You know something is going on there." "Hi, fellows." "Slater, Homicide." "I'm investigating the whole Perkins murder." "Sure, sure." "You were saying that Mrs. Perkins wasn't faithful?" "That woman was born with her legs apart." "When she dies, they'll going to put her in a Y shaped coffin." " Well, did Mr. Perkins have any enemies?" " Everybody hated Henry and his brother." "Women, children..." "Everybody hated Henry Perkins." "Hey, hey, off the record, Henry and his twin brother Freddy... were selling drugs, soliciting women... the wax fruit factory is actually their cover for a white slavery ring." " Stan, come dance with me." " Hey!" "I'll talk to you later." "I'm on the road tonight." "Hey, welcome, welcome, welcome to the show." "Hey, pops, I think it's bedtime." "What do you call a woman who's paralyzed from the waist down?" "Married!" "Thanks." "Carol?" "Carol?" "We gotta skedaddle." "Mr. Big's on his way here." "You'll never understand the needs of an artist." "There are no art critics coming tonight!" "I hate to be the one to tell you that." "But I do have a surprise for you, that will make up for tonight... and for all the promises I've never kept." "Because I love you so much, Carol." "Come on, guys!" " Don't let anybody in." " Yeah, I'm..." "Look at this piece of crap somebody gave me." " That's our present." " Well, it's the thought that counts." "Here it is." " Put them in." " I'd take my 25 g's now, Henry." "I'm surprised at you, Vic." "You don't take money for helping a friend." "Yes, I do." "And besides, we're not friends, we're family." "Out again, boys." "You know, it's a crime." "It's a crime." "You don't let me in." "Give my hundred grand." "Come on, now!" " It's a bargain." " Yeah, it is a bargain." " Here we go." " Give me the rest." " Don't forget my money, Henry." " You're squeezing him too?" "No, I'm getting paid for services rendered." "Mr. Perkins?" "I can't seem to find the..." "Oh my goodness!" "I guess he's caught the three of us at it now, huh?" "This is not what it looks like." "Leslie's decided to accompany you to the morgue." "Good." "Let's go, Leslie." "Yeah, I just need five minutes to get ready." " Another five minutes?" " He's got his hands full at the moment." "Fine." "I'll wait for you down in the car." "Thank you." "Thanks a lot." "Don't be like that." "I was just having a little fun." "Hey, fellows, serious..." "stay close." "What is a husband's idea of foreplay?" "A better power of begging." "Henry, I hate to bring this up, but I'm a little five g's short." "Alright." "What the hell is this?" " Where did it come from?" " I don't know." "I got it." " Where's the money?" " Search me?" " That's not a bad idea, Vic." " Hey!" "You can insult my cheese wheel." "You can even steal my wife." "But I draw the line at being called a crook!" "Alright, I'm sorry about your cheese wheel... but I mean, seriously, where could it be?" "I put it right down in here." "He comes in there and..." "He comes in..." " Slater." " Slater." "Then who's briefcase is this?" "Kinky." "And it's a front for a white slavery ring." "Captain, I know you're starving... but my instincts tell me the murderer is here!" "Move it." "Yes!" "Thank you." "I know who you are." "You're the cliché European bad guys who shot him in the head... and dumped him in the river." "No, too obvious, good try though, huh?" "Yeah, baby, get down." "Shake it." "Yeah." "The blue has such a sensual feel." "There he is." "Okay, I'll distract him while you'll switch cases." "Mr. Perkins, where's Leslie?" " He'll be down in about five minutes." " Five minutes?" "That's all I've been hearing all night." "If he's not down very, very soon..." "I'm going to be forced to make an arrest." "Who are you gonna arrest?" "Well, when I do it's going to be evident who that person is." "I'm sorry." "Did I do that?" " Where's Leslie?" " He'll be down in five minutes." "Five minutes." "Hey, man, you spill my drink." "It's the briefcase?" "Excuse me." "Mr. Big." "What the hell is the difference?" "Put it in the back seat." " Mr. Feldman?" " Henry, hey!" "I'm so glad you're alive." "I won't be coming back to work." "I'm retiring early." " Henry, wait!" " Don't try and change my mind!" "This is not about you and wax fruit." " It's about my wife." " I really need you." "Carol needs me more." "And you know what I realized tonight?" " I need her." " And I need some pants." "Mr. Perkins!" "Your wife Carol... what a talent!" "I'd very much like to give her a show at my gallery." " Really?" " Yes." "And I think this might belong to you." "I have one just like it." "I must have picked yours by mistake." "Sol, I have the feeling you won't be needing those pants." "Happy birthday, Henry." "We are out of here." "Come on, baby." "Ladies and gentlemen, Feldman's Wax Fruit presents..." "Tom Jones!" "Come on!" " Hey, have you seen Henry Perkins?" " Haven't you heard?" "Henry's dead." " Hi, Vic, how are you?" " Hey." "Henry?" "I got it!" "Henry, this is the briefcase with the money." " Vic, Henry, they're here!" " Where?" "Mr. Perkins!" "It's being over five minutes." ""Brerfcurse"!" " What?" " What?" "Awesome, it's like seeing some Tarantino movie." "Happy birthday to" "Brerfcurse!" "Looks like we'll all be going to the morgue." "Make a wish, honey." "Drop it!" "They're real bullets, everybody." "Run!" "What the hell is going on?" " Great party, Henry." " Thanks." "He's got a gun." " Let's go!" " Go, go, go!" "I'm a cop!" "I'm a cop!" "Let's go!" " Run!" " Hurry!" "Henry, I changed my mind." "I want to go to Barcelona." "It's not Barcelona, it's Greece." "Greece?" "I always wanted to go to Greece." "It's my dream." " I love you." " I love you too." "Let's get down through the back stairs." "Come on!" "My fish!" "I need backup." "Send help." "Send the Swat team, send anybody." "We're live at Hoboken, New Jersey, where a violent shooting... has left three men dead." "Vasile Zolton, suspected Romanian crime syndicated boss... was one of the three men found dead... in the apartment of Henry and Carol Perkins." "Detective Dennis Slater is the officer who crack the case." "Detective Slater, how did you do it?" "I cannot comment on the particulars of this case." "Are you watching what I'm watching?" "On a personal note white slavery is wrong... sex toys should be for adults only... and drugs kill as is evidenced by this ghastly occurrence." "Hey, listen, I spoke to the broke." "He said we give him cash." "What the hell is this?" "Perkins!" "Perkins!" "Henry, you're the man." "I told you, Vic." "Yeah, but, Carol, I'm sorry you missed your flight to Greece." "Who needs Greece when we're on Paradise?" " Hey, can I see it, honey?" " Yeah, come on." ""Voilà"." "Carol!" "Lower your hand, honey." "Come on, baby."