"Ball four and that loads them for the reigning Double A player of the year, Cal Eason." "This is the exact guy manager Mel Hornsby wants up in this situation." "Way to go!" "Way to go!" "Good eye." "Thanks, Mel." "Some day I'm going to be just like you." "Well, not just like you, I won't chew tobacco." "That's murder on the gums." "And I'll get a different haircut, not that yours is that bad." "It just won't work with my head, you know?" "And I definitely won't grab my crotch so much during games." "It's weird." "Go get 'em, Cal." "You got it!" "Wait for your pitch, Cal." "Wait for your pitch, Cal!" "Be patient." "Patient." "Be patient." "Play ball!" "There's a high drive, way back and gone." "Cal Eason has done it again!" "Hey!" "Let's go, Shawn!" "Let's go!" "All right, Spencer, we're down by one." "Just get on base." "Come on, Brenda, bring me that weak sauce." "Bring it!" "That a boy!" "You got any more Creamsicles?" "I'm going!" "All right, hold on." "Hold up!" "Hold up!" "Hold!" "Come on, Shawn!" "No, no, stop!" "What is wrong with you?" "You're out of there!" "Game over!" "Son of a..." "This guy." "What?" "That is the worst call I have ever seen." "What do you have, dolls' eyes?" "You mocking me?" "No." "I am stating a fact." "You need glasses." "Last week you mistook me for Michael Chiklis." "That's because you were dressed like Michael Chiklis." "First of the month, Gus and I play The Commish." "You know that." "Don't blame me for your stupid base-running." "Even in sports, you've got no discipline." "I was safe by a yard and you know it." "You called me out because you were jealous." "Jealous?" "Jealous of what?" "I am something that you never were." "I am a bona fide star in the class C municipal Santa Barbara co-ed softball league, you son of a bitch!" "That's it!" "You're out of here!" "You can't toss me!" "The game is over!" "I'm going to leave before he does anything truly embarrassing." "Too late." "Pick it up." "Suck it!" "Out!" "Get out!" " Suck home plate!" " You suck it." "Suck it." "You!" "Want the last bite of my Creamscicle?" "Yes, I would actually." "I bet you would." "That's messed up." "That was one hell of a swing." "Mel?" "Mel." "Look at you." "My former bat boy all grown up." "Gus, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Mel Hornsby, manager of the Seabirds." "Oh, wow." "Sounds like the coolest job ever." "Minor league baseball team, not the actual birds." "Shawn, the reason why I'm here is..." "I know, Mel." "I'm a psychic." "You need me to play shortstop." "No." "I want you to do some investigative work for me." "Slash play shortstop." "No." "I definitely don't need that." "Look, I am willing to move positions only because it's you, but I'd like to pick my spot in the batting order." "What do you need investigated?" "My longtime hitting coach, Grady Barrett, dropped dead the other day of a heart attack." "Oh, no." "Wow." "I'm sorry, Mel." "Grady was a good man." "Yes, he was." "But there's a little bit more to the story." "They found a large amount of amphetamines in his system." "Greenies, as we call them in the baseball world." "Yeah." "Greenies?" "That doesn't sound like Grady." "Do you think someone on the team slipped him drugs and murdered him?" "Perhaps." "Whatever happened, I just need to know." "The man was like a brother to me." "Yeah, of course." "We'll help you, Mel." "But in order for me to investigate properly," "I'm going to have to get on the inside, I mean, deep on the inside." "I'm not making you my shortstop." "Third baseman." "Utility infielder?" "Lefty situational reliever?" "You are right handed, Shawn." "Here's the thing, when I get hired by a professional sports franchise, it is customary that I go undercover as one of the players." "What if I make you a coach?" "I could say you're my roving hitting instructor until the organization finds a new one." "I can rove." "I feel like I can rove." "And then I'll get to work with Cal Eason again." "That's right." "It's amazing." "After 20 years, he's right back where he started." "Poor guy." "We'll need to find something for my partner, Gus, here." "We're a package deal." "Well, we do have one position available." "Sounds good." "Yeah." "Come on!" "Make him work up there!" "Make him work!" "Make him work up there." "Make him work." "I can't believe I let you talk me into this." "Are you kidding me?" "You're killing it up there." "Hey, come on, Ump!" "You call that a strike?" "Come on, Ump!" "You call that a strike?" "You'll never get to the majors!" "Never get to the majors!" "In between the lines there's a lot of obscurity" "I'm not inclined to resign to maturity" "If it's all right then you're all wrong" "But why bounce around to the same damn song?" "You'd rather run when you can't crawl" "I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth" "I know, you know They just don't have any proof" "Embrace the deception Learn how to bend" "Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end" "I know, you know" "I know, you know" "I'm not dressing up as that mascot again." "That was humiliating." "Oh, come on, Gus, you killed it, man." "Did you hear the crowd go nuts when you did the worm?" "That wasn't the worm." "I'm sorry, the centipede." "It wasn't the centipede, either." "I was dealing with an itch on my stomach." "I think that suit has fleas." "So this is where Grady lives, huh?" "Not bad." "Let's find these drugs so we can put an end to this stupid case." "We're not going to find any drugs in there, Gus." "What?" "If Mel says Grady was clean, that means he was clean." "All I know is that people who die with drugs in their system are usually the ones who put drugs in their system." "Check it out." "Come on inside." "You know what, man?" "Doesn't even bother me that we're spinning our wheels." "Gives me more time to work on getting my one professional at-bat." "That's not going to happen." "Ooh." "Macadamias." "I'm pretty sure those are old chickpeas." "Why would he leave those out?" "Because he's dead." "That's no excuse, Gus." "Oh, look, Gus, Grady really did coach with some of the greats." "Picture of him and Tito Jackson in a baseball uniform." "That's Rod Carew." "Agree to disagree." "Keep looking." "I'm going to check upstairs." "Sounds good, bro." "Will you stop goofing around?" "I'm not goofing around." "You're goofing around!" "By the way, is it hot in here?" "Not really." "I gotta be honest, man, it seems a little warm to me." "Let's see..." "Nothing in the kitchen." "Are you feeling okay?" "Actually I feel pretty terrific, like super duper focused." "Why are you staring at my ear?" "I don't know, but I can't take my eyes off it." "Why are you talking so fast?" "Why are you hearing so slow?" "Why are you doing everything so slow?" "Why are you so slow all the time, Gus?" "You know we should get out of here, man." "If there were greenies in this house, I think we would have found them by now." "Dude, not necessarily." "Shawn!" "What?" "I had a friend of mine at the lab run a quick test on the water and it is, in fact, laced with amphetamines." "Now what made you suspect this, by the way?" "47, 48, 49, 51!" "Oh, no." "He memorized the entire owner's manual to my car on the way over here." "Hey, Jules." "Did you know that the Toyota Echo has a 1.5 liter inline, four-cylinder engine with multi-locking brakes?" "What's wrong with Shawn?" "He accidentally ingested speed." "Okay." "Are you working on anything we should be involved with?" "Not yet." "Good." "Hey, it's the bald, blind umpire of Santa Barbara." "You were out by a foot." "Come on, you two." "Shawn," "I think we should tell Mel Hornsby about the bottle." "Wait, wait, wait, wait, that's who you're working for?" "Yep." "He hired me to investigate the tragic death of Grady Barrett and he made me a coach." "You're kidding." "Why didn't he contact me?" "I've been a season ticket holder for 15 years." "Probably because he wanted somebody good, but I'm sure he appreciates the 40 bucks you shell out for those tickets annually." "Shawn, enough." "I need you to focus right now." "Buddy, I'm not sure I'm capable of anything else." "I'm locked in on your ear again." "Shawn, listen," "I think Mel was right about somebody slipping Grady greenies without his knowledge." "I'm not so sure about that, Gus." "Dad, who wears number 42?" "Izzy Jackson." "Organization's top prospect." "He signed a massive contract last year." "Sweet." "Let's go!" "To where?" "How long until this stuff wears off?" "Hopefully in about half an hour." "Shawn, wake up." "Where are we?" "At the address you told me to drive to right before you passed out." "Oh, man!" "Those things will really slap you on the way down." "Why are we at a bar?" "It's not just any bar, Gus." "It's the favorite hangout of the Seabirds." "For real, where?" "The team." "Oh." "Why do I keep doing that?" "Because you're a fool." "By the way, these guys have really taken to me." "I mean, they really love me." "I'm serious." "Ricky!" "Good game today, man." "Thanks, towel boy." "You see?" "We're just like family." "This is where I'm betting we'll find Izzy Jackson, the actual owner of that water bottle." "So he killed Grady?" "Yeah." "But not necessarily on purpose." "He had a hitting session with Grady about an hour and a half before he died." "This is what I think happened." "Izzy's popping greenies to improve his performance." "They get their bottles mixed up during the session." "Grady goes home with the wrong bottle, takes a few more swigs, his old heart just gives out." "Wait a second." "Izzy's taking greenies?" "Don't they test for that stuff?" "Yeah, but it's pretty easy to get around those tests." "How?" "I could pass one tomorrow by simply taking some of your urine, putting it in a cup and swapping it out with my urine." "I would not let you touch my urine." "You're not the friend I thought you were." "Well." "So, what's our plan?" "Simple." "We approach Izzy, get him to admit to popping greenies." "That doesn't sound simple, Shawn." "Gus, don't be Pete Rose's haircut." "Izzy!" "What's up, man?" "What is up?" "Shawn Spencer." "Yeah, we met earlier today." "I'm your new hitting coach." "Really?" "I thought you were the..." "New shortstop?" "No." "Towel boy." "Oh." "Actually..." "Hey, you're the new mascot, right?" "You do a killer worm." "I actually had an itch." "Listen, Shawn, don't take this the wrong way, but I'm on a bit of a hot streak of late." "I don't want you coming in, messing with my swing." "Because I have a tendency to over-think things." "That surprises me." "But it doesn't matter because if it ain't broke, don't fix it, am I right?" "Yeah." "God, you look so focused at the plate these days." "I mean, just really, really focused." "What are you implying?" "Nothing, man." "Though if you were getting a little extra something from Uncle Greenie," "I wouldn't be mad at that." "Lord knows I used it when I was playing." "Yeah, I never touched that stuff and I never will." "Well, I can respect that." "You know, I think this conversation is over." "Oh, come on, Izzy, the party's just getting started." "No, I said it's over." "Hey, settle down." "Take it easy." "Hey, hey, it's all good, Cal." "Hey, bartender, let's get another round of drinks for this man on me, all right?" "This guy." "Shawn." "Let's get our drink on!" "This guy..." "Yeah!" "Whoo!" "It's never wise to mess with a drunk idiot, Shawn." "You should know that." "Oh, man, are you a sight for sore eyes, Cal." "Man, I can't believe you're back here playing for the Seabirds." "Yeah, nor can I. After the Rangers cut me, it was either sign up here or get some lousy job like selling pharmaceuticals." "That's a noble profession." "Well, you look good, man." "Real good." "I gotta tell you, I've been a fan, a big fan over the years." "Well, listen, I appreciate you being such a big fan and all, but I'm not sure I'm worthy of it, especially after the career I've had." "Are you kidding me?" "If it wasn't for your knees, you would have been a perennial all-star." "You hit over 300, all four years in Baltimore, your 36.2 percentage for thrown-out base runners was one of the best of your era." "You really are a fan, huh?" "I gotta tell you, man, I would do anything to get back into the big leagues." "I just feel like I got something left in the tank, you know?" "You bet your butt you do." "I'm going to help you get back, Cal." "You are not a real coach." "You're not a real person." "And you will be catching again in the bigs in no time." "Well, I appreciate your enthusiasm, Shawn, but if it is going to happen, it's not going to be as a catcher." "My knees can't take it anymore." "What I got to do is I got to transition to first base, but I got that drunk moron ahead of me." "Wow." "That's actually impressive." "It's disgusting." "Yeah, Mel wants me to whip him into shape." "I don't know." "Care to dance?" "I would absolutely love to." "Excuse me, gentlemen." "Could he be any more awesome?" "Shawn, how are we going to prove Izzy's taking greenies?" "I don't know, man." "There's gotta be a way to test this guy." "Izzy, we have a game tomorrow." "You have another one of those, you're going to end up whizzing yourself again." "Hey, drunk..." "No." "No." "No." "Yes." "Yes." "Yes." "No, Shawn." "Oh, excuse me." "Can we have another round of drinks for my boy Izzy there?" "And some shots." "Keep them coming all night long." "Big night for him." "Big." "Whizzy." "Not again." "Stealing the pants off a drunk guy for a urine sample?" "Really, Shawn?" "Hey, hey, look for the record, he removed them himself, okay?" "I just hooked them with a stick and ran off as he tried to set Gus on fire." "That guy parties hard." "Hey!" "I am your coach!" "I am not the towel boy." "I have my own windbreaker!" "Yeah, well, it was a hair-brained idea, but shockingly it worked." "The lab was able to run a test on the urine found on the jeans." "Nice." "And?" "The guy had a blood alcohol level of.29. He was loaded." "Okay." "What about greenies?" "No." "Nothing." "Where's Jackson?" "I'm sorry." "I haven't seen him, Mel." "Shawn, if Izzy wasn't taking the pills himself, maybe it's time to consider that he was trying to kill Grady." "Damn prima donna." "Eason?" "Yeah." "You're starting tonight." "First base." "All right." "There's one more possibility." "If Izzy tested positive for amphetamines, how long would he be suspended?" "First offense, 30 games." "Why?" "What I need to do is transition to first base, but I got that drunk moron ahead of me." "I gotta tell you, man, I would do anything to get back into the big leagues." "Last night, you said, "Let's steal this guy's pants and the investigation will be over."" "Look, just for the record, usually when I say that, it turns out to be the case, okay?" "I just need a little more time." "For what?" "To prove that the drugs that killed Grady were placed there by Cal." "I know." "He's trying to get Izzy suspended so that he could take his playing time." "Doesn't that suck?" "The man used to be my idol." "You know what really sucks?" "Being a classically trained tap dancer and being forced to dance The Macarena in front of a bunch of liquored up townies while wear a flea-infested Seabird suit." "Since when are you classically trained in anything?" "This is the last game that I'm doing, Shawn, and if these folks want The Macarena, they're fresh out of luck." "Say it ain't so, Cal." "What are you talking about?" "Man, I believed in you." "You believed in me?" "That's right, because I believe in a lot of things." "I believe in fresh tennis balls, the healing power of bunnies and that the novels of Susan Sontag are something I'll never read." "In fact, I don't even know who Susan Sontag is." "What is she, like a painter?" "I believe in Crystal Light because I believe in me." "I believe in the movies of Val Kilmer, though these days it ain't so easy." "I believe in Darren Sproles, the word dabble, the first season of Silk Stalkings and big, warm, moist, gooey, chocolate chip cookies that melt in your mouth and all over your face." "Finally," "I believe that you secretly tried to drug Izzy so that you could steal his playing time, you son of a bitch." "Oh, my." "That was a stupid speech." "Can you deny it?" "Let me tell you something, Shawn." "First of all, Izzy doesn't need any help getting in trouble, okay?" "Secondly, if I was cheating, I wouldn't be stuck in A-ball." "Wow, you really got a hold of that." "You suck!" "It's called real dancing." "You suck!" "Something just bit me." "Stop!" "Stop!" "Get!" "Get!" "Get off!" "Shoot!" "Shoot!" "Shoot!" "Let's have some good at-bats out there!" "Good at-bats out there!" "Since when did you chew tobacco?" "I don't." "This is all pretzel, my friend." "Snyder's of Hanover." "You want a pinch of this?" "No, I'm good." "Now batting, number 35, Wilson Henze." "You have any updates for me?" "Let's just say I'm zeroing in on a suspect." "Good." "Because I don't know how much longer I can keep up this charade." "All season." "Turn your back, the GM of the whole organization is coming." "Hey." "Mel, I'd like a word." "Why isn't Izzy Jackson playing?" "Manager's decision." "I mean, the guy shows up two hours late to the park." "It's not the first time." "He has a major attitude problem." "I don't care." "My scout's here, so I want him playing." "Is that clear?" "Yeah." "Jackson, you're batting for Henze." "Batting for Henze." "Cal, you're moving back to catcher." "Back behind the dish, Cal." "Sorry." "Oh, man, that guy gets on my nerves." "Had it with him." "Now batting, number 42, Izzy Jackson!" "Next pitch is a curveball." "Doubt it." "Strike!" "How'd you know?" "I have the gift." "How about the next pitch?" "Ah, it's a slider." "Izzy!" "Jackson, who's been hot lately, has not had good luck against Holander." "There's a long drive." "Oh, that's going to carry." "Gone." "It's a home run." "Thanks, towel boy." "All right, all right, who wants a T-shirt?" "Who?" "This guy?" "Who wants it?" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey, Seabird, you can't dance for crap!" "Dance with this, buddy." "Want some more?" "Gus." "Gus." "Dude," "I think I know who did it for real now." "Good." "Then can you bust him so we can get the hell out of here?" "First, I need to make an apology." "To who?" "Hey, Ump!" "I need a time." "Time!" "Hey!" "Hey, you can't do that." "Oh, this can't be good." "This is something you rarely see, the pitcher is getting a visit from the hitting coach." "What the hell are you doing?" "Cal, damn it, man, I'm so sorry." "I was wrong to accuse you of trying to sabotage Izzy." "The whole time, it's been Ricky." "And he's trying to get Izzy back for sleeping with his wife." "Ricky isn't married." "Yeah." "You sure about that?" "He was awfully lovey dovey at the bar the other night with that smoking hot, filthy, slutty blonde in the red." "Hey, that's my wife." "Look, Rodriguez, I need you to focus on pitching strikes out here, okay?" "What's going on?" "Ricky's sleeping with my wife." "And Izzy, too, possibly." "That's an issue for another time." "She told me she was going to the movies with your wife the other night." "That's what Lilly told me." "So if she wasn't at the movies either, where was she?" "You guys really get around." "Oh, man." "This has got to be the weirdest mound meeting I have ever seen." "Good talk." "Come on, Rodriguez, come on." "Yes?" "We're all good, Mel." "Looks like we're ready to get back to the action here with the Seabirds up 2-0 in the top of the sixth." "He throws the ball at Izzy Jackson." "No." "You come back here." "Well, in all my years, this is a first." "A bench-clearing brawl consisting of one team." "Gus, what..." "Everybody, calm down!" "There's no reason to fight." "There's no reason to fight." "You think this is Shawn's doing?" "No doubt." "Break it up." "I'm too old for this crap." "Fight, fight, fight!" "I guess now's not the best time to talk about me pinch hitting." "That, men, was a total disgrace." "Total disgrace." "Only a bunch of damn idiots fight on the field with their own men." "Bunch of damn idiots." "Will you stop that?" "Sorry." "There's going to be some major changes around here, do you hear me?" "Izzy, where do you think you're going?" "I'm out." "It's Friday night." "Hey, I had enough..." "Get back over there." "Damn it, I said get back here." "All right, guys, listen, about the changes Mel referred to," "I will be hitting third tomorrow." "On..." "Where is he?" "Where is he?" "Yeah, this ain't over, Cahoon." "Come on." "Where's Mel?" "He just went after Izzy." "Thanks." "By the way, I don't know who you are but you're fired." "I'm your new hitting coach." "No, this is the new hitting coach." "That's Wade Boggs." "Oh, my God." "Gus, Gus, stop it." "Wade Boggs is here." "Do you have any idea what this man has accomplished?" "For 17 seasons, he ate chicken before every single game." "I also won five batting titles and was a 12-time all-star." "Grilled or crispy?" "Very funny." "No, no, Gus never kids around about food." "Nope." "Mostly crispy." "Wow." "That's impressive." "See what I'm saying?" "Wow." "Can we go already?" "Yeah, just as soon as we apologize to Mel." "You mean after you apologize." "Dude, check it out, I stole Wade Boggs's belt." "Why?" "Because he's Wade Boggs." "Poor Izzy." "You guys really believe I hit Izzy Jackson over the head with a baseball bat and killed him?" "Well, we've got 10 of your players that have gone on record saying that you had it out for the guy." "And you were seen running after him minutes before his death." "I wanted to give him a piece of my mind." "I'll admit that." "But I never found him." "Hey, you guys gotta believe me." "We don't." "I believe him." "I mean, why would he hire us to investigate his players and then kill one the next day?" "Throw us off the trail." "I agree." "You'd say anything to keep from wearing that Seabird suit again." "I cannot deny that." "It does make sense, Shawn." "He wants Izzy off the team." "What does he do?" "He tries to get him to test positive for drugs." "And that doesn't work, so he snaps and kills him." "Come on, you know how many jerks Mel's coached over the last 30 years?" "He didn't kill any of them." "This is a reach." "Really?" "Then why did we find a bag full of amphetamines in his apartment this morning?" "Greenies." "I'm sorry, Shawn." "I can't believe it." "Hey, Dad, Mel bat lefty or righty?" "Righty, why?" "Yes." "Izzy was hit from behind on the left." "Now you tell me how a right-handed hitter could have done that?" "Easily." "Swinging back-handed." "Are you kidding me right now?" "It's like you want Mel to be guilty." "Come on, let's go talk to Woody." "Mel needs your help." "Oh, yeah, he needs my help now." "Why didn't he call me in the first place?" "Oh, my God, this is about him hiring me instead of you." "I have been a season ticket holder for 20 years, Shawn." "Oh, he'll call me up when he needs a speeding ticket fixed, but call me for real investigative work?" "Nah." "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound?" "Yes, I do, now that I've said it out loud." "So, I've put together a demonstration for you guys, but I'm going to need a volunteer first." "I have to warn you, it involves me whacking you in the head with this baseball bat." "No takers." "Well, thank God, I packed a watermelon for lunch." "Ooh." "Woody, how is watching you hit a watermelon going to help us with the case?" "Well, Gus, first of all, watermelon is high in vitamin C, which is good for the brain." "That's true." "And secondly, it will support Shawn's claim that Mel didn't kill this young man." "As you can see, excuse me, Gus, the fracture on Izzy's skull is nearly four inches, which means that somebody clubbed him hard." "Harder than a 60-year-old man swinging back-handed would be capable of." "Correct." "And that will be clear once I do exactly that to one of your heads." "I mean, this melon." "And keep in mind I am well south of 60." "I'm no slouch at the plate myself." "I was all-coroners' league for three seasons." "Played the hot coroner." "I also embalmed Sparky Anderson." "One of my thrills." "Woody, can we just get on with it?" "Of course." "Okay, batter up." "Here we go." "Yeah, I'm going to state the obvious here." "This is a complete waste of time." "I agree." "Mel did it, plain and simple." "He's the only one with the motivation to kill him." "You can do this, Woody." "Here we go." "Nailed it." "First of all, Izzy doesn't need any help getting into trouble." "We, as an organization, are devastated over the death of Izzy Jackson." "Our hearts go out to him and his family." "Excuse me, Mr. Spencer," "I've been given instructions not to let you on the premises." "Cheryl, I only need a minute to get the rest of my things." "You got one minute." "You're a good woman." "What things?" "What the hell are we doing here?" "Gus, the bat that killed Izzy was 35 inches." "The only player on the team that uses that size was Cal." "So you think he killed him?" "No, of course not." "I'm sure he has a logical explanation for all this." "Hey, where's Cal?" "Gone." "His locker was cleared out when I got in." "Where you headed, Cal?" "Where do you think I'm headed, Shawn?" "Oh, I don't know, Canada, maybe." "Some other lawless country where the authorities won't be able to catch up to you." "So I see I've gone from being your idol back to cold-blooded killer?" "Just like OJ and Jamie Farr." "Jamie Farr never killed anyone, Shawn." "You're so naive." "All right, this is where I'm headed." "Oakland." "Oakland, Oakland?" "They called me this morning." "You're going back to the show?" "And we're back." "Cal!" "Wait a minute, why weren't you in the locker room when Izzy was killed?" "I was having my knees iced by the trainer and yes, he can confirm that." "Oh, I will never doubt you again." "Damn it, Cal!" "Oh!" "I wish that was true!" "Oh!" "I'm so proud of you, man." "I'm just so proud of you for playing your way back." "Yeah, well, it has nothing to do with the way I play, Shawn." "I was the cheapest option." "Nowadays, it's all about the money, Shawn." "You take care." "Psych." "Hey, buddy." "Shawn, where are you?" "And why do you sound muffled?" "Must be coming down with something, buddy." "I'll call you later." "Wait, Shawn!" "What's happening, baby?" "Afternoon, Mr. Guster." "Oh, you hear about Pluto?" "That's it." "Ow!" "There's been a break-in in the main office." "Hey!" "Come back here!" "Stop!" "Look out!" "Here comes the pain!" "Shawn, where are you and where is my car?" "I'll explain it all when I see you." "I'm only a couple minutes away." "What are you doing?" "Driving around for a bit to make sure no one was following me." "Your left blinker is out, by the way." "Get this, I have some good news and some bad news and some good news." "Here's the good." "I know who killed Izzy." "What was the bad?" "The killer may know I'm onto him." "And what was the other good?" "He may think that me is actually you." "What?" "How is that good news?" "I meant good for me." "Hello." "Gus?" "You still there or what?" "I know you think that I know stuff, but I can assure you that I don't." "In fact, if you promise not to shoot," "I can take you to the guy who really knows stuff and then you can shoot him." "In fact, I may even help you." "Come with me." "Come on, man!" "I don't know anything about this." "I'd be happy to bring you up to speed." "You're right, Gus, this suit does have fleas." "It's very unpleasant." "You were the one who broke into our offices." "Indeed, I was." "And while I was there, I did some pretty interesting reading." "Gus, did you know that Neil here is the youngest GM in team history?" "And that his first big move was signing Izzy Jackson to one of the richest rookie contracts ever to the tune of $12 million dollars?" "Wow." "Yeah, that's pretty bold." "I believe in taking risks." "Yeah, you do." "But this one hasn't quite worked out for you, has it, Neil?" "You see, Izzy's immature and, worst of all, he can't hit a curveball." "Which is a problem that simply doesn't go away." "Now luckily, most of the money was to be paid out after Izzy's promoted to the big leagues." "Certainly you weren't stupid enough to guarantee that promotion after 60 games." "No, wait, you were." "If I didn't offer him that, another team would have." "Yeah, if the team shelled out $10 million more dollars to that stiff, you knew your career would be toast." "So what did you do?" "First, tried to rig it so Izzy would fail the drug test." "And that didn't work." "Then you tried to trade him to anybody." "Even the Pirates weren't interested." "I guess just injuring him would have been, what?" "Too..." "Too Tonya Harding-ish for you?" "So you took the ultimate step." "You killed him." "Really?" "I deserve to say that, Gus." "Did you hear all the pipe I laid to get that?" "And you were going to pin it all on a guy who managed the team for 30 years." "I dreamt of being a GM my entire life and I wasn't going to let Izzy Jackson ruin it." "Move." "Come on, Neil, you'll never get away with this, man." "You're not a killer." "You were already spotted breaking into my office." "I'll explain that I acted in self-defense." "Nobody's going to buy that." "My alibi should be the least of your concerns right now." "Drop it, Neil." "You're not going to shoot me." "Why aren't you in Oakland, Eason?" "I was gearing up for the game and something just kept eating at me." "Mel couldn't have hit Izzy because he bats right-handed." "Came back on a hunch." "Turns out I was right." "And all you brought was a baseball bat." "I said it was a hunch." "Give me a break, huh?" "Come on, Neil, you're not a killer." "No, we already tried that." "We're about to die, Shawn." "Oh, no, we're not." "Wade Boggs is here." "What the hell?" "Whoa." "Get out of here, Wade." "Hey, you're the guy who stole my belt." "Yes, sir, I am." "I can't shoot Wade Boggs." "Chicken." "Nice, Dad." "Wade Boggs, I'm a giant fan." "I am never coming back here." "Hey, Wade, when is Steve Garvey getting in the hall of fame?" "Fair question." "That's fair." "Now remember, extend those arms, Shawn." "Keep that back elbow up." "The elbow's fine." "No, it isn't." "Keep it up." "You know what, Dad?" "I think I'm going to go with Wade Boggs on this one." "Why?" "He's been retired for 20 years." "No offense." "All right, Shawn, what's this all about?" "Mel, great." "Look, I'm going to prove to you once and for all that I have the skills necessary for at least one minor league at-bat." "You disagree, all you gotta do is tell me I'm not good enough," "I promise I'll never bother you again." "Sounds like a deal." ""Sounds like a deal," he said." "You heard it." "All right, Rodriguez, you bring me that soft stuff." "Bring it to me like soft bread." "Keep your head down, Shawn." "Elbow up." "Okay." "I didn't quite get all that." "You're not good enough." "Let's go, Wade, we got a game to plan for." "Oh, come on, Mel." "Give me one more shot." "If it wasn't for me, you'd be managing in the prison leagues." "I appreciate all your help." "So, is it true you once drank 64 beers on a team flight to the West Coast?" "That's something I'm not proud of, Mel." "Besides, that number gets distorted each and every year." "So..." "Seventy-three." "Let your old man have a couple of cuts." "Man, you got an underhand setting on that thing, Rodriguez?" "Hey, how'd you know it was Neil, by the way?" "I didn't." "I got to the ballpark early for the game, saw a guy pointing a gun at you." "I'm so tired of that happening." "Why don't you try to swing without your gut looking so large?" "You know, I must say," "I've enjoyed working this case with you." "Yeah, yeah, I guess it brought us together and whatnot." "Yeah." "Yeah, baseball's good that way." "Hey, what's my wife doing?" "Wow." "It's time that dude got a new lady." "Yeah." "I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth" "I know, you know They just don't have any proof" "Embrace the deception Learn how to bend" "Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end" "I know, you know"