"She never came back." "I was 12 years old." "Sometimes people have more power over you when they're not actually there." "I keep looking for her, not just in memories." "I'II see a girl coming around a corner and for a second, I actually believe it's Faith." "I go to concerts of bands Faith used to like waiting for her to appear magically in front of me." "She's never there." "I'm always too late." "My sister's death is a mystery I can never seem to solve." "But I can't let it go either." "Her body was found on the rocks below EspicheI, a tiny fishing village in portugal." "I remember when they told us, the sound of the phone ringing in the middle of the night." "They say she killed herself, she took her own life." "I've never been able to believe it." "Mom, come in." "It's starting!" "Okay." "Coming." "I've been thinking... about maybe going somewhere." "Oh, yeah?" "Where?" "Europe." "Just travel." "I couId start college a year late." "I have the money Dad left me." "Seems a little out of left field." "That's 'cause I never do anything." "I want something real to happen to me." "You know?" "I feel like I'm this... this zombie." "I'm relieved you're saying this, Phoeb." "I've been worried about you." "Why?" "Just lately you seem so cut off." "And then I worry, maybe it's my fault." "I keep holding you back." "So I can go." "No, sweetheart, no." "It's a bad idea." "Isn't that obvious?" "Of all things, that?" "You let Faith go." "Maybe I shouldn't have." "Here's a pathetic list of facts:" "I spend too much time watching TVwith my mom." "I never go out and when I do, I never fit in." "Last Christmas, I moved into Faith's old room." "I know it's weird, but it's the only place in the world I feel good." "Sometimes it's little things I remember about her." "Her hands, the way she laughed." "And sometimes I'm not sure if my memories are real, or just from pictures." "But I'm sure there was a moment when everything was perfect." "Before my father got sick." "You see, there used to be four of us." "My father dreamed of being an artist." "Instead, he worked for a giant corporation." "He hated it, hated himself for working there." "Faith said it's what made him sick." "How come he never paints me?" "You don't sit still long enough." "You sit still." "He doesn't paint you either." "There's something I want to tell you." "What?" "Yesterday, I bought you both some treasury bonds." "Why'd you do that?" "For when you leave high school, so you can travel, see the world, do things you can tell about for the rest of your lives." "My father thought he was born a generation too soon." "We were the ones who could do anything, change the world." "I'm waiting for you to dunk your head." "Faith believed him completely." "After he died," "Faith was completely lost." "She would skip school and stay in her room for days at a time." "Student demonstrations in Paris raged into their third day, threatening the very stability of the French government." "The students have torn up streets, erected barricades and painted slogans everywhere, a favorite being:" ""below the Pavement, the Beat."" "The 60s entered our lives that summer" "like a call to Faith from our father." "She got involved in everything, in civil rights and even against the Vietnam War." "She was arrested, busted." "She was driving my mother crazy." "More than anything, I wanted to go with her on these adventures." "I waited for her to come home." "Sometimes she would sneak into my room and wake me and tell me every amazing thing that had happened to her." "balance." "Did we wake you?" "It's okay." "Is it morning yet?" "almost." "We're cooking breakfast." "We're going to watch the sunrise." "Does Mom know?" "No." "It'II be our little secret, okay?" "Want me to take you upstairs?" "No." "Go to sleep?" "Come in the kitchen with me." "Look who I found." "Hey, Phoebe." "wolf was Faith's first real boyfriend." "He was from england and was studying at berkeley." "He'd organized a student group." "He could play any Van Morrison song." "And he was the only one who could keep up with her." "Who are those people?" "I don't know." "But where'd you find them?" "At the invisible Circus." "We've all been to the invisible Circus." "You went to the circus?" "It wasn't really a circus." "It's more like a grown-up's funhouse." "No animals?" "I didn't see any, did you?" "I saw a gorilla." "Oh, yeah." "There he is." "Phoebe, Iet's go dance." "Something's happening." "feel it?" "What?" "Everything's changing." "It's all going to be different." "I Iike how it is." "No." "This is better." "This is history." "hold on." "She jumped high, high, high." "She touched the sky, sky, sky." "She didn't come back, back, back till the Fourth ofJuIy." "I'm going to tell you a secret, okay?" "wolf and I are going to Europe." "Why?" "Remember what Dad was telling us about?" "traveling the world?" "Living life?" "Let me give you this, to wear until I get back, okay?" "So you don't forget me." "You okay?" "Yeah." "I just wish you guys weren't going." "Know what?" "Before you know it, we'II come back." "What'II you do when I'm away?" "Cry." "You should write me poems about the sadness in your heart." "I have it in my bag." "You sure you have it in your bag?" "But what's this, my darling?" "That's a passport." "Your pillow and toilet paper." "I can't carry all that." "Know what European toilet paper is?" "I'm not a camel." "I forgot the camera." "European toilet paper is tougher than American." "Your first postcard." "Thank you." "I haven't even left the country." "Read the inscription later." "But..." "I promise to send you one every day till I get back." "Make sure I do that, okay?" "I will do that." "I Iove you!" "Read my postcard." "Bye, Faith!" "Love you!" "I Iove you!" "Bye!" "I'II make you some lunch, huh?" "grilled cheese?" "Something like that?" "Dear Bean:" "God, I'm missing you already." "I know it's going to be hard to be away from each other, but Bean," "I'm so excited about what's ahead." "The most amazing things are happening." "I need to be a part of them." "I need to make a difference." "One day, you'II understand, and then it will be your turn." "I Iove you always, Faith." "No, it's okay." "will you call me if you find it?" "Okay." "Thanks." "I'II get you tonight about 8." "Yeah, 8 o'cIock sounds good." "It's your turn to pick the restaurant, okay?" "Look at this poor guy." "Who?" "They shot the italian prime minister and left him on the street." "What a beautiful day." "I guess you don't really care." "About what?" "The prime minister." "What kind of question is that?" "It's terrible, yes, but I don't feel it personally." "Why?" "Do you?" "There's something I've been wanting to tell you." "And I'm afraid." "Isn't that funny?" "Then maybe you should wait." "That's an odd suggestion." "Doesn't matter." "I know what it is." "No, I'm not so sure you do." "Jack, right?" "You and Jack." "How did you know?" "For how long?" "For a month or so." "What about Dad?" "Does he faII by the wayside?" "Phoebe, your father died 9 years ago." "How can you even look at someone like Jack after Dad?" "I know you adored your father." "But you were a little girl when he died." "So you have no idea what he was like, as a husband." "You and Dad weren't happy?" "No, I didn't say that." "We were in love." "We had wonderful times." "And problems, Iike any couple." "You feel guilty, so you say this." "guilty for dating another man after 9 years?" "Because he never got to paint." "Because work made him sick." "You mean your father got leukemia, a blood disease, from working as a manager in a business office?" "What?" "No, because he hated working there, Mom." "Oh, please." "Spare me." "This is crazy!" "Everybody knew!" "Dad knew it." "Faith knew." "What Faith knew was meaningless." "She believed what he wanted her to." "What does that mean?" "Your father used Faith to prop up these myths about himself." "It was her function in his life." "Dad loved her more than anything." "Oh, yeah?" "Maybe if he'd loved her less he'd have been a better parent." "He made her responsible for his happiness." "That is no good!" "You were jealous of his love for her." "Yes, that's true." "You were too, although you don't want to remember it." "Not me." "Oh, fine." "You let Faith go." "You did it." "And you never even tried to find out what happened." "That's not true." "Mom." "Go away, Phoebe." "Why don't you leave?" "Did I do something else?" "Why don't you say it and go?" "Dear Mom:" "One:" "I Iove you." "Two:" "I'm sorry." "Three:" "I'm going away now, which is the best thing." "Four:" "I will be careful." "Love, Phoebe." "Hey, my little Bean." "We made it." "Amsterdam is unbelievable, man." "There are so many people here, from all over the world, just like us, all believing in the same things reaching for something new." "We're living on this houseboat." "It works like a commune." "Everyone just pitches in." "The cops don't bother us." "They're like our guardian angels." "Do you know this guy?" "I'm sure you'II like it." "Dear Bean:" "We've been traveling through France." "We had to get away from the craziness of Amsterdam." "I've been thinking about Dad a Iot these days." "Sometimes I feel like he's watching us from up high." "Yesterday, we visited this beautiful church and I prayed for the first time since he died." "For a moment, everything seemed connected:" "me, wolf, you guys, the entire universe." "TranscendentIy yours, Faith." "Nothing." "We're in Paris." "wolf." "I'm Phoebe." "I know who you are, Phoebe." "I know who you are." "Jesus." "I've got a clear picture of you standing outside your house, waving to us as we left for the airport." "I remember that." "I thought about you a Iot, hoping you were all right." "I'm all right." "You know my name's really Christopher." "Christopher." "Yeah." "Not as exciting as wolf." "What?" "Nothing." "Are you here with friends?" "You're going to travel around?" "I came to find out about Faith." "I'm going every place she went:" "Paris, berlin, Amsterdam, all the way to portugal." "What do you think you'II find out by going down there?" "I don't know." "Maybe some sort of an answer." "I thought you could help, tell me what you know or what you remember." "I wasn't with her at the end." "I know, but she was still in love with you." "It said so on all her postcards and you understood her better than anyone else." "Okay." "Fire away." "Why did you leave San Francisco?" "You want to start at the beginning?" "You were so involved there." "Why'd you guys just leave?" "We were involved, yeah." "But nothing we did mattered." "The war was still going on." "We were angry, disillusioned, so we left, still believing we could change the world, but from a different location." "From the minute I got here, I Ioved it." "Loved it." "The people, the language, the culture." "We joined a political theater group." "We did wild things." "Like what?" "The U.S. had just invaded Cambodia." "They were bombing villages, killing innocent people." "We found out about a dinner the American ambassador was giving and Faith had this idea." "...but for the purpose of ending the war in Vietnam and winning the just... peace... we all desire." "U.S. out of Cambodia!" "U.S. out of Cambodia!" "Who do you think you are?" "This is outrageous!" "Outrageous!" "Guess what!" "It's outrageous to drop feathers on politicians, but it's okay to napalm a country and its children!" "Wasn't afraid of anything, was she?" "No." "See, me, I'm afraid of everything." "Why are you doing this?" "Why go through this again?" "To find out what happened." "No, you know what happened." "No, because in her letters it all sounded intense and alive." "Phoebe, she killed herself." "She killed herself." "You don't understand that." "Like you think..." "I don't know what you think." "Then why not tell me what happened?" "What?" "Was it drugs?" "Yeah, it was drugs." "It was anything that came along." "That was your sister." "But... it wasn't just drugs." "Then what?" "You must have some idea." "No, I don't." "Except when you do crazy things for long enough, they seem normal." "To hold the edge, you go further out." "Faith could do that." "only one thing I saw her scared of: stopping." "AII her energy, her incredible hope, it turned." "She thought she was changing the world, but in the end she was" "looking for kicks." "Don't walk away." "If you don't want me to talk about her, don't ask." "Remember Faith how you want, but leave me out of it." "Don't get me wrong, I Ioved her." "I'II probably never feel that way about someone again." "I'm going back to the hostel." "Why don't you stay with us?" "Then promise you'II call me tomorrow." "Can you just tell me the Iast time you saw Faith?" "july, 1970." "We had a fight one morning and then she was gone." "She heard about groups in berlin doing crazy stuff, so she went." "Why didn't you go?" "I was tired of doing crazy stuff." "I was still here when it happened." "I talked to your mom, told her what knew, but it wasn't much." "Yeah, I remember you calling." "Thank you." "Hey, Bean." "finally, I got your letter." "wolf has to wait for the poem." "We're taking a break from each other." "It's a little scary on my own." "But then I remember what Dad used to say:" ""walk into your fear." "Don't fight it."" "Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, dressed in black, black, black, silver buttons, buttons, buttons, all down her back, back, back." "She jumped so high, high, high, she touched the sky, sky, sky." "Something's happening." "Something's happening." "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." "I knew it." "I knew you'd always come back." "I've been here all this time, waiting for you." "CouIdn't you feel it?" "Sometimes." "But other times, you disappeared." "I've been in one place." "You just had to find me." "How do I get across?" "You push." "That's it?" "Just push?" "When I say push, Phoebe," "I mean really push." "Come on, baby!" "You got to give it more than that." "I'm trying, Faith." "Are you trying?" "Crossing over hurts." "But you got to be willing to suffer a little." "Goddamn it!" "That's not pain." "Not like what I'm talking about." "You've got to push harder, much harder." "We'II do it together on a count of three, okay?" "One." "Two." "Three." "Faith!" "Where are you?" "Here." "Over here." "Over here." "Over here." "Look." "Where are you?" "Not there." "Don't go there." "Don't go there." "What are they doing, Phoebe?" "What are they doing?" "I don't want to die." "I don't want to die." "Stop!" "Stop!" "Don't." "Don't." "Now let go." "Let it go." "TranscendentIy yours." "Faith." "Phoebe." "What happened?" "I don't really want to tell." "well, I think you should come and stay with us." "Okay." "Phoebe, this is claire." "claire, Phoebe." "I'm happy to meet you." "feel better, I hope." "Yeah, much better." "Thank you for letting me stay." "No, it's a pleasure for us to have you." "Want a nap before dinner?" "No, I'm fine." "I'm still sore, that's all." "I'd prefer it if we didn't talk about Faith in front of claire." "Was I doing that?" "No, not at all." "I'm just saying let's not." "I hate inundating her with all that." "I won't mention her." "Okay, thanks." "It's funny, I always feel strange in english." "Like he's a stranger." "In english, I am not me." "You are living in San Francisco?" "I met Phoebe when I was at berkeley." "How old are you?" "I'm 18." "She says you're very young to be traveling alone." "This name you are calling Christopher..." "wolf?" "It's a nickname." "Oh, Iike animal?" "wolf?" "Yes, the eyes." "He never told me this name." "It comes from where?" "It was Faith, I think." "Faith?" "He told you about Faith, right?" "Yes, of course." "I remember Faith, but why...?" "I'm her sister." "I didn't know you were the sister of Faith." "I'm sorry." "She didn't know who I was." "I know." "It was idiotic." "I'm sorry." "We go?" "Sure you don't want to come?" "Everybody speaks english." "No, I'm really beat." "AUGUST, 1970" "She came back after berlin." "I promised I'd never talk about it." "Why?" "She got involved in something." "involved in what?" "Just tell me what happened." "Did you go with her?" "Yeah, I went with her." "I went to Berlin with her." "We've been doing it all wrong." "Something can't be happening every minute." "Yeah?" "well, we can't keep calling ourselves anarchists if all we do is get stoned all day and party." "Nothing's really changed." "adolf hitler built this place." "We just get stoned in it." "We met a woman, a journalist." "Spent a couple of days with her, talking, learning, listening." "She became like a hero to Faith." "Then one day, just after we got there, she packed it in." "She went underground with a group called the Red Army." "You heard of them?" "They were the most radical political group in Europe, at the top of the Most Wanted List in Germany, trained with the PLO and planning something incredible." "Did you meet them?" "CouIdn't meet them." "You couldn't get near them." "It was the 4th ofJuIy, believe it or not." "We went to this party." "There was a guy everyone said was connected to the Red Army, creating an underground support network for them." "That night was the beginning of the end." "No, it's true." "So the rumor's true?" "Everything's true that you hear." "They are accepting resumes now." "You got qualifications?" "He's taking the piss, Faith." "I shot a rabbit once." "A prodigy." "But you haven't any more recent experience?" "Targets, Coke bottles." "A couple of clay pigeons." "What gun?" "38 revolver." "Where do I sign up?" "Let's go." "This guy's an arsehole." "You don't believe me?" "You're right." "He's an asshole." "You're an asshole." "My father was murdered by the company he worked for." "They poisoned him, infected his blood." "He was an artist, so they killed him." "Know what it's like to watch your father be poisoned to death?" "Anything you do... doesn't matter." "He dies." "Been fighting back all my Iife." "That's one thing I know." "What you do alone is always too small." "Come on, Iet's go." "No, it's cool." "He doesn't care about your father." "But I do care." "I do." "welcome back." "Thanks." "What happened to Prince Charming?" "Come on, don't be jealous." "I'm not." "Where have you been for more than a week?" "Don't ask like that." "Where have you been?" "I've been here, worrying about you." "What the...?" "I found them." "You got to find a way in." "You can't bring me in?" "No, I'm too new." "And I'm American." "It's..." "What do you do for them?" "You know, errands, little things." "They're it." "And they are planning the most amazing things." "hold on a second." "hold on." "Why?" "Because this is a mistake." "Everything we talked about, you don't want it to really happen?" "We never talked about guns." "What do you want to do then?" "Keep making up new slogans?" "Crash another dinner party?" "It's not enough." "What do you want to do, shoot people?" "You want to be a soldier?" "I got to split." "Where are you going to?" "They're terrorists, aren't they?" "Terrorists?" "They're revolutionaries." "And you're just afraid." "No, I'm not afraid." "Yeah, you're fucking afraid." "I'm not afraid." "I'm not afraid." "Get out of my way." "You want out?" "pull the gun." "I'm surprised you haven't already." "Fuck you!" "You know what you're doing, so pull the gun." "What is your problem?" "My problem is you." "Show me what you can do with your big fucking gun." "Just let me go!" "No." "You do it!" "Do it!" "pull the gun!" "Let me go." "Fuck you!" "I fucking hate this!" "You hate it." "Some revolutionary." "Come on!" "Safety off." "Is he watching you now?" "Is Daddy watching you now?" "Don't go." "I went back to Paris." "A month later, on the street, I saw the headlines." "The group she'd joined had robbed 3 banks in one day." "Took 200,000 dollars." "You're saying that Faith was involved?" "Why am I laughing?" "What else can you do?" "Thing is, it really wasn't funny." "Why didn't you just call my mom?" "I couldn't go running to somebody's parents." "And she'd only be terrified." "No, I just can't believe that..." "You're sure?" "Here you go." "Hi." "When did you get back?" "I missed you." "really?" "I haven't thought about you once, but maybe that was a mistake." "Don't make fun of me." "I'm not making fun of you." "Everybody tells me how great your progress is, your studies and your work." "really?" "Yeah." "That's funny." "I feel like the maid." "But someone's got to be the maid." "Yeah." "Listen." "We need someone to cut a fence so the others escape to the car." "Think you can handle that?" "No problem." "Good, good." "It's all right." "Is there a problem?" "No problem." "Go practice a little bit." "Shit." "Shit!" "Now you're sulking like a child." "You promise us everything, but you only want your own glory." "I thought I couId make..." "Never mind." "Go out and buy the newspapers." "And then we can all be celebrating together." "Okay." "It was so intense." "It was more than any high." "You know?" "Getting high." "I would walk down the street and think:" ""If that grocer, street-sweeper, if they really knew what I was doing," "what I was really doing, where I was really going, who I really was... they'd freak out."" "Fucked up." "I completely fucked up." "Anybody wants to know?" "No, no." "I Iike him." "He ripped somebody off." "He can't sing for shit but I Iike his lyrics." "Thank you." "You know what I think is...?" "Don't." "I Iove you." "I can't." "I'm not finished with it yet." "Fuck that." "How can you say that after what just happened to you?" "If I stop now, it was all for nothing." "No." "We can do it our own way." "You and me, our own way." "I can't." "You know I can't." "I can't." "Fuck." "When I got back from work the next night, she was gone." "I never saw her again." "I have to leave Paris." "I have to keep going." "Where?" "portugal." "EspicheI, where it happened." "Phoebe, what's the point?" "I have to find out what happened." "Don't you want to know?" "I want to put it behind me." "well, I can't." "I'm coming with you." "No, I don't need you to come." "I'm coming with you." "What did claire say?" "It's okay." "She understands." "I thought I'd put it behind me, but the truth is, I never let go." ""In 1974, the Portuguese army revolted against the dictator SaIazar and brought down the government." "only one shot was fired." "people put carnations in the soldiers' rifles."" "Isn't that cool?" "It's called the "flower revolution."" "What did he say?" "He was teasing us." "flames coming out of the side, feel the tension, what a ride." "Look out, I got a license to fly." "Caddie pulled over and let us by." "suddenly she started knocking, in the dips she started rocking." "In the mirror, red light bIinkin'." "Cops was after my hot rod lincoln." "They arrested me, put me in jail." "called my pappy to throw my ball." "He said: "You'II drive me to drink if you don't stop driving that hot, rod..." "lincoln." "That's it." "The one with the tiles?" "Herrera." "Yeah." "Dinner in an hour." "I'II be right next door." "What sort of future do you imagine for yourself?" "I don't know." "I guess none." "It's always been a blank." "really?" "No dreams, ambitions?" "Isn't that what being 18 is about?" "Yeah, it is." "When you were 18." "Now things are different." "Basics are the same, aren't they?" "High school, friends, boyfriends." "You go to parties, concerts?" "That's all we were doing." "No." "It wasn't the same for you guys." "You reinvented the world every day." "By the time I got to high school, everything was just fake." "Why was it fake?" "We were going through the motions." "But nothing... nothing mattered." "Nothing felt important." "What about this right now?" "Is this fake?" "No." "Right now is real." "Let's dance." "No, I can't dance." "I'm the original white boy." "I'm telling you: no rhythm." "Come on." "Put down your glass." "Come on." "TwirI me?" "Thank you very much, sir." "I was thinking you don't give yourself enough credit." "really?" "really." "You can take that as a compliment." "Okay, I will." "Try to say that." "Try to say that sign." "Good night." "sleep well." "No." "This can't happen." "It can't happen, all right?" "That was stupid." "What's wrong?" "I can't go with you." "Why?" "I can't." "We're human beings." "We drank too much." "We made a mistake." "It happens." "Last night was as much my fault as yours." "Why don't we just get in the car and drive a bit?" "We won't go to EspicheI right away." "We'II just drive." "Okay." "Okay." "Lock your door." "Why?" "Afraid I'II jump out of the car?" "I don't know." "Are you?" "Are you sick?" "No." "Just hung over." "Thank you, sir." "That's your key." "Go through the hallway, turn left up the stairs." "How are you feeling?" "I don't know." "I feel weird." "What are you thinking?" "I've lost my mind." "Is that bad?" "No." "There was no way round it." "I tried to find a way, but I couldn't." "Me too." "What?" "No, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "I did." "I tried to leave." "I was afraid something would happen to you." "We can leave right now." "AII our things are in the car." "Be just one of those things we had to get through." "Okay." "Sounds good." "I try to keep track of the days, but it's impossible." "Sometimes I feel guilty." "How can this be?" "We never say Faith's name." "Sometimes we don't speak at all and I wonder what he's thinking." "Then we reach for each other, and I feel completely alive." "I want more." "I want everything." "When we go out, we're careful not to touch." "The smallest thing can send us running back to our room." "A kiss is certain doom." "We're being very good." "Let's go back." "Why not here?" "Maybe there's someplace hidden." "We'd get thrown in jail." "They're all catholics." "I'm catholic too." "Afterwards, I think:" ""That wasn't me."" "And I wonder:" "How long can this possibly last?" "Do you believe in fate?" "I used to." "It's why I liked getting stoned." "feeling all the connections." "But I don't anymore." "I wonder what you'II say about this someday." "Maybe you'II say it was fate that I found you." "Dear Phoebe, sorry I haven't written for a while." "Things have been kind of weird." "More than anything, I wish I couId be with you." "Maybe you could help me make sense of everything." "Remember always..." "I Iove you." "I have to go." "I have to go to EspicheI." "Okay." "Let's get it over with." "I wonder if it's pretty." "EspicheI." "Which direction is it?" "couple of miles that way." "Can you walk there?" "Yeah." "Okay." "I Iike the idea of walking." "Whatever you want." "You're so grim." "It's depressing." "It's funny you say that." "I find your elation hard to take." "I'm not elated." "Yes, you are." "You act like she's up there, waiting for you." "You shouldn't have come." "It's a place." "You walk up and back down." "Then what are you afraid of?" "Of what'II happen when the ghost you've been chasing disappears." "Jesus." "You okay?" "I'm fine." "Think that might be it?" "It's exactly how I thought." "Be careful." "I made a mistake." "This isn't the place." "A minute ago you were sure." "It doesn't feel right." "She was found here." "I never saw a report." "believe me, if this was the place, I would know." "How?" "You were a little girl, thousands of miles away." "It would feel a certain way." "No, this is any place." "This is no place." "It could be that." "I bet it is." "You could spend your life running up and down the coast." "But it has to end, somewhere." "It'II end." "It happened here, hear me?" "I swear to you." "It happened here!" "You were here." "You were here." "Yes, I was here." "I saw her." "I watched her." "I watched it happen." "The things you said before, the Red Army, the bank robberies." "Was that true?" "Yeah, but something happened in berlin I didn't tell you about." "What?" "There was another group, and she joined." "Why?" "The Red Army had dumped her." "She felt if she'd been bolder, proved herself more..." "In Faith's mind, there was no going back." "It was supposed to be empty." "What's it say about him?" "Read it!" "He was an accountant." "How old was he?" "32" "What's it say about his family?" "Did he have children?" "Two girls and a boy." "It couldn't be helped." "What?" "It couldn't be helped?" "It couldn't be helped." "I killed a man." "Some little girl's father." "If you hadn't been there, it wouId've happened just the same." "I promise you, it was an accident." "But I was there." "I had it in my hands." "I didn't throw it in the river or dig a fucking hole." "I put it there." "And if I hadn't he would still be alive." "I you'd known there was a man to save, you'd have saved him." "Stop trying to make it okay." "You know, it's just not okay." "Sorry." "That's what I thought I was doing, you know?" "Saving him." "That was the whole point." "But I killed him." "You can never tell anyone what happened." "especially Mom and Phoeb." "No matter what happens." "Promise me." "We decided to get out of Paris, go on a little trip." "We ended up in portugal." "Ended up here." "tell me the rest." "You feeling better?" "How did that happen?" "I don't know, it just came to me." "You know what I decided?" "What?" "Beauty is close to God." "So beautiful things are dangerous." "And God, is he dangerous?" "You see, I never trusted the guy." "AII this time, what were we searching for?" "Christ only knows." "That's right." "He does." "Get the fuck off there." "Faith, come down." "I'm thinking." "Let me think." "Think down here." "I can't." "Let go." "No, I can't." "Yes, you can." "Come on." "Trust me." "Everything'II be good." "I promise." "Okay?" "So just let go for a minute." "No!" "For a minute, I thought it was a stupid joke, that she was hiding behind the wall, a ledge I didn't see." "So what did you do?" "I ran into town, got it across that a girl had jumped off the cliff." "Some guys climbed down." "Got the feeling it wasn't the first time they'd seen it." "I followed, thinking:" ""please, God, Iet her be alive."" "But when the first guy reached her and leaned over, I knew." "When I finally saw her, then I really knew." "How?" "Her neck." "I watched her being taken away." "I realized it was my fault." "I couId've stopped her." "I imagined you and your mom, having to explain what happened and I couldn't face it." "I couldn't bear having you know." "So I ran." "I kept thinking to myself:" ""What the fuck am I doing?"" "Then something strange happened." "I know it sounds..." "Some kind of vision." "hallucination." "What are you waiting for?" "I don't..." "What's the matter?" "Get on the train." "Go on." "So I got on the train, feeling uplifted, as if Faith and me were escaping the disaster together." "But it didn't last." "By the time I got back to Paris, I was a zombie." "Each time your mom rang, I thought:" ""I'II tell her now."" "But I couldn't." "I was scared, and I'd promised Faith I'd never tell anybody about the death." "It was her last wish." "So I'd just say:" ""I'm sorry, gall." "I'm so very sorry."" "And she'd say to me:" ""well, what could you do?"" "I would never do it." "Never." "I would never do it." "What did she say about me and my mom after the bomb?" "I don't remember." "She must have said something." "only she didn't want you to know." "I know that guy had kids." "I know that." "She didn't even think about us." "She didn't care about us." "I can't believe she stood there and she jumped." "Didn't think about me and my mom." "selfish...!" "I hate her." "I hate her more than anything." "Stop it!" "I hate her!" "In her mind it was a sacrifice." "She was trying to right a balance." "She caused more pain, more misery." "Damn her!" "If I'd only stayed by the wall, not even held her hand." "Why walk away?" "I've asked myself a million times." "And then running away!" "It wasn't your fault." "After everything else, I couldn't stay." "I ran." "I couldn't even tell you the truth." "But you came back." "You helped me." "There was no one else." "I found you and you saved my Iife." "It's time to go." "Hi." "Have a good time over there?" "No, not really." "It was hard." "Hard in what way?" "It was scary." "I found out about Faith." "What I needed to know." "I'm glad." "I was scared too." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry I disappeared." "But I'm back now." "I promise." "I still miss Faith, think about her." "Sometimes I feel so angry for the times we'II never have together." "9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20," "21, 22, 23, 24." "Ready or not, here I come!" "But I know now she was just a girl," "like me, reaching for something that always seemed to escape her." "Reaching, searching." "until she did something she couldn't live with." "I know this now." "You found me." "You won." "Phoebe?" "The game's over." "No, it's just beginning." "Phoebe, we're leaving now." "They're not going anywhere." "Phoebe." "Where are you?" "Going to leave without you." "Stay with me." "Stay with me."