"Stuart, I'm getting married." "The Home Office can investigate whenever they want." "So I'll be here... permanently." "Everyone says you've left home." " Your mother been shagging about?" " Shut up!" " You're shaming me." " I'm not bothering you." "You don't know her." "You don't know anything, cos you're straight." " Is it a date?" " Might be." "Have a good time." "Good for you." "How's it going?" "That date of yours." "The new girlfriend." "Hey, Irene, our Vincent's got himself a fella." "(* Dance music)" "(Cameron) 'I like him." "I really like him.'" "So what am I supposed to do?" "Leave him alone, if you are any sort of a friend." "(Vince) Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God!" "I'm rubbish at this." "How do I look?" "You look fine." "I don't see why they couldn't use my place." " His flat's huge." " But it doesn't mean my house is small." "(Quietly) Oh, my God." "Was that any good?" "Oh, my God!" " What do you want?" " We were passing." " Thought we'd pick up those CDs." " Well, you can't stay long, I'm busy." "(All) Surprise!" "Oh, my God!" " (Cheering)" " Ooh, happy birthday." " Happy birthday." " Happy birthday, you old git." " So how long has he known?" " Ages." " Did you tell him?" " No, he's not stupid." "Hey, Vince." "Ohh!" "I'll never live this down." "I told the Christmas club I'm 41." "I should have drowned you when you were a kitten." " Hey." " Congratulations, love." "They've reached a diagnosis." "It's migrainous neuralgia." "They want a 24-hour sample by Monday, so they can test me." "It's piss." "It's a bucket of his piss." "Bit of hush, you lot." "Bit of hush, thank you." "My name's Christine Cagney and I'm an alcoholic." "Now, it's disco trash all night, so here's a rave from the grave, a revive 45, but that's enough of Hazel." " You cheeky sod, I'll have you." " That'll be a first." "(* KC and The Sunshine Band:" "That's The Way)" "* A-ha, a-ha, that's the way, a-ha a-ha... *" "(Guest) How does it feel to be 30, eh?" "(Second guest) Nice one, Vince." " Thanks." " 30." "You cunt." "30 years old." "How did that happen?" "Eh?" "How did that happen?" "* That's the way, a-ha, a-ha, I like it, a-ha, a-ha" "* That's the way, a-ha, a-ha, I like it, a-ha, a-ha... *" "Look at this." "I know millions of people." "Hiya." "I've been to the council and I'm seeing a woman on Tuesday." " We're getting a flat off the council." " How come?" "You tell me nothing." "Soon as I'm 16." "Tell 'em you're gay, they give you a flat." "Say your dad's a queer-basher, you get a penthouse." "Donna, love, did no one say it was a party?" "Shame, you coulda dressed up." "Come and see the bar." "They've got whisky and gin and everything." " (* Kool and the Gang:" "Celebration)" " How's he gonna sleep with this noise?" "He's used to it." "Siobhan plays whale songs all night." " (Alfred gurgles)" " Sh-sh-sh-sh." " (Alfred sneezes)" " Oh." "Look at him." " No idea." " (Alfred coos)" "Romey, I thought we could do the photos now." "Er..." "If that's all right with Vince." " It's his party." " It's just for this marriage thing." "We're taking photos wherever we go, like we've known each other ages." " You don't mind, do you?" " Course not." " * Come on, let's celebrate... * - (Alfred gurgles)" "Look at him." "Nought years old." "Do you remember in school, we used to talk about being 20." "The plans we made." "We were going to get a flat and live together." " Yeah." " Still could." "You can move in here." " We can get a house together." "I'll pay." " Don't know what Cameron would say." " He's bought you a car." " He hasn't." "He got me the Trial Of A Time Lord box set, which I've already got." "It's parked round the corner." "He's gonna bring it round when we do the presents." "It's just a Mini, four hundred quid, but... it's a car." "That's a bit heavy." "Do you know what I'd do?" "Run." "Run like the wind." "Party... they'll be, erm..." "* It's a celebration" "* Celebrate good times, come on" "* Let's celebrate" "* We're gonna have a good time tonight" "* Let's celebrate... *" "Harvey Wallbanger." "Best drink on God's earth." "Just a sip, then back on the pop." " What's he do, that Cameron?" " He's an accountant." "I said that the Tylers'd marry into money, one day." " What?" " Shagging an accountant." " Oi, do you mind?" " He's nice." " Nice?" "Lmagine shagging someone nice." " He's not a real boyfriend." "Vince shuts his eyes and thinks of Stuart." " Sad man." " (* Tonic:" "SOS)" " Ooh, fab." "Nathan, we're dancing." " Hazel, save us a cocktail." " Sorry about them." " Pass us that ladle." "It's him" " Dazz." "Nathan thinks he's so impressive." "Drinks coming up." "They're taking the piss?" "They can have some of Bernie's." "Smile." "Romey, have you told them?" "They've set a wedding date." " Yeah. 25th." " Another party." "I've never been so busy." " Thing is, we're keeping it small, private." " You're not invited." "That's it, thanks." "End of film." "I mean, no offence, but if you lot come to the registry office and someone from the Home Office turns up, it's going to look a bit gay." "Last thing we need." "Siobhan!" "Load another film." "We'll go and change." "Lance was looking at the birth certificate, this morning." "Nice blank space where the father's name goes." " Makes adoption easy." " Didn't you put your name down?" "He didn't want to." "Too much responsibility." "Like you said, Stuart, no harm in keeping it blank." "What could possibly go wrong?" " Fuck you." " Nice comeback." "Vince, someone for you at the door." "Janice, don't stand there." "Come in." "No, er..." "I would have called in the day but I didn't wanna spoil the surprise." " Come and have a drink." " I suppose Nathan's in there." " He won't mind." " He wouldn't want me turning up." "That's to say thanks... for looking after him." "Not long till his birthday." "16." "He'll be able to live anywhere." "How am I going to find him then?" "(* Jimmy Somerville:" "Never Can Say Goodbye)" "* I never can say goodbye" "* Ooh, no, no" "* I never can say goodbye" "* No, no, no, no, no, no," "* No, no, no, ooh, ooh... *" "(Alexander) Shut your noise." "It's time for presents." "If anyone's got him a Jeff Stryker cock and balls, you're getting booted out, cos that is so unoriginal." "That's every episode of Saved By The Bell with Zack taking his shirt off." " I've been four years taping that." " What's Saved By The Bell?" " Lesbians." " Get a move on, Vince." "I want to dance." "That's from me." " You've given me a present." " That was to throw you off the scent." "(Muttering)" "(Guest) Ohh!" "(Second guest) Car keys." "Oh, my God!" "Cameron, you bastard, I have never been so upstaged." " It's parked outside." " Last one down's sleeping with Dane!" "Don't all rush." "Wow!" "(Hazel) Wahey!" " Da-da!" " You lucky man." "So that's why you haven't been drinking." "It's only second-hand, but it'll get you about." " Come on." " It's a Mini." "A clapped-out, old Mini." "It's pathetic." "I'll get you some more of that drink." "Bernie, fetch us your bucket." "Serious present, Vince." "It's like being married." "Run like the wind." " (Engine starts, guests cheer)" " Wooh!" "(Beeps horn)" "(Alfred whines)" "I love it." "I'm just saying that I'm gonna pay half." "You can't spend all that." "Take the keys, cos I'll only get pissed." " (Gasps) - (Guest) Wow!" "Oh, my God!" "Where did you get it?" "Did you hire it, or what?" "Happy birthday." " But... you got the party and everything." " All right, I'll take it back." "Watch this." "That is completely, completely fantastic." " (Woman) I want one!" " God, I'm so sad." "(* Jacksons:" "Shake Your Body Down)" "You're never going to fuck him, so why do you keep him waiting?" "He's not 30, he's 12." "You're keeping him at 12." "* Move it up and move it down... *" "Come on up and get your cock out." "(Buzzer)" "Ladies and gentlemen, Miss..." "Alexander Savage!" "(Cheering, screaming)" "(* Spice Girls:" "The Lady Is A Vamp)" " Looks better on him." " You're more of a gay man than I am." "(Mouthing words) *... a cooler shaker" "* Marley, Ziggy" "* Melody maker" "* She's a Bond babe, kick some ass" "* Baby love a so glam queen" "* Sing the blues a love supreme... *..." "Grady's, T-birds, to the moon above" "* That's all in the past" "* Legends built to last" "* But she's got... *... dude" "* Cos the lady is a vamp She's a vixen not a tramp" "* She's a da-da-da-da-da da da" "* Scary, Baby, Ginger" "* Posh" "* Sporty, yes, now that's your lot" "* We're the Spice Girls" "* Ready to go" "* Ladies and gents, can you please take your seats" "* And we hope that you enjoyed the show *" "(Cheering, whistling)" "Hiya." "Happy birthday." "Yeah, thanks." "Didn't know you were coming." "Thanks." "It's a bit wild, erm..." " They're all drunk." " I'm late." "Your mate, Stuart, he said don't come till late." "Are you hungry?" "I'm hungry." "We could go and get a curry." " We could." "I've had enough of..." " Here she is!" "Rosalie, have you met Cameron?" "Come and say hello." "Cameron!" "This is Cameron." "Cameron is Vince's boyfriend." "Cameron says Vince shags like a rabbit." "He's bought him a car." "He's the perfect boyfriend." "They're practically married." "Put your coat in the bedroom." "Vince, get her a drink." " Is that the girl from work?" " (Sniggers)" "Bloody coat." "Blimey, there's a baby." "Whose is that?" "Bless him." "It's a bit big, this place, isn't it?" "It's huge." "You'd have the heating on full time." "Taxi driver couldn't find it." "He drove round for ages." "He is my boyfriend." "He's..." " He's nice." "He's..." " Actually, I think I'll head off home." "I've had this head all day." "It's a bit loud." "I'll be clobbered." "Best if I go." "Happy birthday, then." " Vince." " Fuck off." "I'll phone you a taxi." "It's the middle of the night." "You said girlfriend." "All those times, you said girlfriend." "Do you sit with your mates, do you sit and laugh at me because I'm such a big joke?" "That girl at work, she fancies me." "She's so funny cos she's so stupid." "I'm really sorry." "I should have said." "You're just a liar, Vince." "And you're a poof." "You're a dirty, little poof." "What the fuck was that for?" "She's just a kid." "Just leave it." "Leave it." "We're going." "Let's just go." "What does he do at work?" "Christ, but you're such a bastard." "That's it." "We're going." " What about the robot?" " I don't want it." "I've seen better." "He left half his presents behind, gave me the keys." "I gather I missed all the drama." "Too busy dancing." "Title of my autobiography, that is." "There's a tape in the video, belongs to him." "There you go." "Thanks." "Right, I'm off." "Vince comes home, he says, "There's this new boy at school, this Irish boy."" "I had weeks of it." "Stuart this, Stuart that." "And then he didn't mention you at all." "Like the two of you had a secret." "You tipped up, soon enough." "That bank holiday." "Both of you drunk. 14 and drunk." "I saw you, I thought, "Clever little bastard"." " That's right." "Everyone have a go at me." " I said clever." "Did it on purpose, didn't you?" "That's one hell of a push you gave him." "Can't do things on the quiet, can you?" "Has to be a spectacle." " Couldn't you have told him to sod off?" " Like he'd listen." "Hazel, he'd follow me around for ever." "Yeah." "Cameron's all right." "He's good for him." " Cameron won't last." " He might." "He won't." "Still, leaves room for the next Cameron." "Right, I'm late, I'm off." "Oh, one more thing - don't suppose you've seen a bucket of piss, have you?" " Have you said anything?" " None of my business." "He's trying to make sense of it, poor sod." "But if you want it to make sense, you have to see Vince as important." "And he's never gonna manage that, is he?" " See you, kid." "Look after yourself." " I always have." "Keys are on the table." "He doesn't want them back." "(Phone)" "What?" "What do you want?" "Fuck off." "What for?" "(* Robbie Williams:" "Let Me Entertain You)" "* Look me up in the Yellow Pages I will be your rock of ages *" "Don't pretend you're not bothered." "When she marries him, your child will have a new father." "I'm much more interested in why it bothers you." "He's moved in permanently, just in case the Home Office checks up." "He's got his things in our bedroom." "Her bedroom." "Just in case." "He's sleeping with her?" "Oh, my God, they're having sex." "Stuart, I have very good reason to believe she's a lesbian." "Have they?" "Have they?" "Have they shagged?" "She's put his name on the deeds to the house... just in case." "It's her house." "She can do what she wants." "I've been there for six years, paying half the mortgage, with nothing in writing." "And you the solicitor." "If Romey and I split up, I get nothing." "Ahh." "I see, I thought this was a love story, but it's just a mortgage." "Yeah, I'm simplifying for my audience." "She's only doing the right thing." "She always does." "She's saving a man from being deported." "She's so bloody correct." "So, it's down to us to stop her." "First six months we went out, she wrote to me all the time." "She still writes to me now, like it's some sort of record." " The thoughts of Romey Sullivan." " Lesbian letters." " Can I read them?" " Doubt it - joined-up handwriting." "But they'd make the Home Office see things in a very different light." "Here's the address." "It's a Mrs Lake." "She's in charge of Lance's visa application." "Hold on." "Why do I have to send them?" "These could only have come from inside the house." " You send them." " You're in the house all the time and, of course, you're a malicious bastard." "We could send them anonymously." "They're from inside the house." "Someone's got to take the blame." "Romey will never forgive you, but she's got a good solicitor to remind her that she can't deny the father access." "So, it all becomes my fault." "I look after your child every fucking day and every night, he is screaming the place down." "You owe me." "Too much information." "Leave me alone." " Yeah." " (Nathan) 'lt's me.'" " 'I was just passing... '" " Nathan, fuck off." "'They've been round all day, Vince and Cameron." "'They've been calling you all sorts." "I just thought, I mean..." "'Are you all right?" " 'Stuart?" "'" " Fuck off." "Nathan." "Nathan." " Nathan!" " 'Yeah?" "'" "Come on up." "(Television plays)" "It's dodgy, that lift." "I got stuck." "Hiya." "Cameron thinks you're mad." "Like, really mad." "I said, "You don't even know him."" "And Vince said you'd be laughing." "I told him." "I said, "That's not fair."" "Nathan, you're just a little boy." "Don't fucking think you know me." "(Sighs)" "Look, maybe you should go." "It's not Vince, it's..." " It's lots of things." " Like what?" "(Stuart) If I send the letters, Romey's bound to find out it was me." "Then she's gonna hate me." "Yes." " What if someone else sent the letters?" " Like who?" "Dunno." "I could do it." "The letters" " I could send them." "I've been in that house, I could have taken them." "I'll do it, I will." "It's still gonna come back to me." "Romey's gonna think I asked you." "I'll say you didn't." "I'll take the blame." "She's still gonna ask why." "Oh, I dunno." "Cos I didn't want you to lose Alfred." "Cos even if you wanted me to, you'd never ask." "Yeah, you'd never ask." "You'd get me to do it, but not by asking." "Look at you." "All you had to do was ask." "Cos you're mad, you are." "You never say." "Do you want me to take the letters?" "Ask me." "Go on, ask me." "I'm not bothered, OK?" "Do you love him, though?" "Do you love Alfred?" "Cos you don't say it." "You can't, can you?" "Look at you, you can't." " Do you love Vince?" " All right, Nathan, fuck off." "Ask me." "Go on, just ask me." "I'll sort it out myself." "I don't need you." "I'll do it." "And not for a shag." "I'll do it cos I'm stupid and I sort of love you." " Put them down." " Too late." "I'm in love." "Lance is gonna be deported and what would Vince would do if he was here?" "He'd stop you." "Vince would stop you." "No Vince." "You've just got me." "You were right, about Vince." "If he hears about this, he'll come running round." " So?" " So don't tell him." "Are you asking?" "Yeah." "OK." "You could say thanks." "You can't say it." "Stuart Jones." "You're such a twat." "(Nathan) Hello?" "Can anyone hear me?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "(Laughing)" "Fantastic." " What the fuck's happening?" " It's all your fault, cos you just... shag." "Do you want me to stay?" "My world's so fucking huge!"