"5:30 PM" "Did you just wake up?" "What time is it?" "5:30 in the afternoon." "You sleep all day?" "Had a late night and I gotta get to work for a new mission..." " I mean temp job." " Did you borrow my boots?" "Yeah, last night." "Is that bad?" "No, no." "Miclothes rack es suclothes rack." "It's just, I mean, God knows I've spilled a lot of fake blood on your stuff... but what the hell is this?" "It almost looks alive." "Don't worry, it's dead." "Any movement is just reflex action." "You mean it was alive?" "A bug." "I stepped on a bug." "With both my boots?" "Um..." "I killed the bug, then stepped on the mess with your boots on the way out." "Your way out of what?" "The zoo." "The zoo's closed on Mondays." "Why do you think I picket the ape habitat on Tuesdays?" "Uh, a private zoo?" "I gotta go." "I'm late for work." "What kind of temp job do you have and who has a private zoo?" "Excellent." "Ida, meet us at vehicle stowage with all the equipment." "You called." "I came." "Where's the fire?" "Your next assignment is a follow-up to last night's job." "Another Carpissian Hog-Roach is on the loose?" "Awesome." "I'm getting good at 86-ing those suckers." "That Hog-Roach from outer space is mine!" "Oh, it's yours all right." "Yours to clean up." "You shot that Carpissian Hog-Roach in the back seat of The Middlemobile." "The next time we trap a rampaging pig-insect hybrid from another galaxy that accidentally gets loose in custody, you should shoot after it gets out of the car." "Right." "Next time I'll try to find a more convenient place to be attacked." "You'd better git, cowboy, or that movie's going to go off into the sunset without you." "Hey, I..." "I'm cleaning up Hog-Roach gore and you're going to a movie?" "Ride Lonesome isn't just a movie, Dubbie." "It's one of the great cinematic treatises on rugged individualism." "Hey, if you spilled the slime, you clean the grime." "Happy scrubbing, Tinker Bell." "What do you want?" "And who do you work for?" "I'm kind of self-employed." "Lacey?" "Hi, Wendy's boss." "Capture:" "Evelyn~zx Sync:" "FRS@iMeow" "Middleman Season 1, Ep 7" "Lacey, what are you..." "Were you following me?" "I'm seeing a movie." "Same as you." "Sorry, sorry." "It's just so unusual to see a woman here alone." "In the audience, I mean." "There's always a woman on the screen." "But..." "I guess I just assumed this sort of thing appealed more to men..." "Really?" "Well, thanks to the Internet, now women are much more comfortable seeking out visual representations of sexual desire for their own gratification." "Great Barrier Reef." "Lacey, I was talking about Westerns." "You're teasing me." "I'm sorry." "No, I'm sorry." "I should have mentioned that I'm doing an art project on... heroic men." "Well, you certainly picked the right showing." "Randolph Scott is one of the greats." "It's so weird hearing you say that." " Why?" " I don't know." "Most men your age..." "It's all Boba Fett and Jack Bauer, you know?" "I like to keep the old heroes alive." "Well, it's just you and me." "Do you want to sit together?" "Oh." "We're both going in that direction." "And we're both seeing the same movie." "Why not?" "Here's your water." "They didn't have any of the cruelty-free organic vegan candy you wanted." "They don't stock milk, either." "Milk?" "Builds strong bodies, right?" "Is this what you do to pass the time?" "I get all the excitement I need at work." "I'm surprised you aren't there now." "When Wendy left she said it was gonna be a busy night." "And it will be, for her." "Sometimes it's good to be the boss." "What do you do for a living?" "We're international consultants that solve exotic problems for corporations, individuals, and even governments." "Obviously, our clients often prefer anonymity." "That's so clear... concise." "I wonder why Wendy's never said that to me." "Maybe she's afraid to." "You're the most important person in her life." "And what you think of her is everything." "Oh, I know that sound." "So do I." "I've seen the first act of Ride Lonesome 16 times." "We have a Red Ball from O2STK." "Some guy just drowned." "Drowned?" "In his bed." "Maybe someday you can interrupt whatever I'm doing." "Hey!" "What's going on?" "We're agents Boetticher and Kennedy from American Shrimp and Crab Amalgamated Processors." " Law enforcement." " ASCAP?" "We avoid using the acronym for copyright reasons." "But, uh, whenever unexpected shrimp or crab appear in the context of a homicide, we're not far behind." "I'm Officer Cecil Rogers, CSI." "So what do we have here?" "Meet the late Artie Atkins." "Cause of death appears to be suffocation as a result of his lungs spontaneously filling with sea water and a clam." "I'm not touching seafood for a year." "I also performed an on-site gastroscopy in order to verify my initial findings." " That's extraordinary." " Thank you, Sir." "Have you been able to determine the salinization levels of the sea water?" " Absolutely." " Well played!" "Salinization levels indicate that the water in this man's lungs originated in the North Atlantic." "This man knows his salinization tables." "Is it possible that someone forced the water into the man's lungs?" "There are no visible signs of forced entry, no inflammation of the nasal passages or trachea." "This defies every principle of science I know." "And yet, I'm convinced the sand and water somehow sprang from within this man." "Well, Officer Rogers, will you please accept our congratulations and admiration for a job well done." "Nothing like watching a really good CSI technician do his work." "Could you cut the bromance?" "This crime is gross enough as it is." "Step aside." "You're contaminating the crime scene." " Who are you?" " Who are you?" " ASCAP." " The shrimp guys?" "We're CSI, Metro, we need you out of the room." "But your CSI guy has been here already." "Cecil Rogers, he just left." "Cecil Rogers?" "Never heard of him." "That duplicitous, double-crossing weasel." "Aw, you loved him so." "Why was Rogers there?" "Why did he go through the trouble of posing as a CSI?" "What does he want?" "Same thing we did." "To gather information." "And maybe faking being a CSI guy wasn't so difficult." "Maybe he is, or was, a CSI guy at some point." "Nice deduction, Watson." " Ida!" " I'm on it." "Checking current and former CSI techs who match Rogers' description." "Of course, without a picture." "There has to be a faster way for the facial recognition imager to create an accurate composite portrait." "What if you just scanned in this?" "Nice." "Rogers really got under your skin, huh?" "I was so distracted by his charm and competence." "Time to quit your grinning and drop your linen, people." "You got an ID on Captain Mancrush?" "No, but I do have information about the drowning victim," "Artie Atkins, known to the world as Double-A." "He was a fence who specialized in unusual art and antiquities." "Well-known paintings, sculptures and other collectables." "Items that had to be handled discreetly and sold secretly." "Do we know what Double-A was working on at the time of his death?" "What?" "Now I don't know how to do my job?" "I cross referenced the list of his associates with his telephone bill from the last three weeks." "Double-A made six phone calls to only one associate," "Johnny John." " Do you have an address?" " 8660 Hawks Lane, apartment nine." "God, am I underpaid." "8660 Hawks Lane, apartment 9" "God, am I underpaid." "You the pizza delivery?" "We're Agents Harland and Wolff from the Department of the Interior." "May we come inside?" "Actually, this is not a good time." "I'll be right back, honey." "Don't get distracted!" "Look, I've got a beautiful woman in here who's hot, willing and able, who finds me devastating in my raw feral power." "Did I mention she was hot?" " Yes." " Yes." "Do you have any idea how rare that is for me?" "Yes, I do." " This isn't an urgent matter." " This isn't?" "Please." "Look at me." "The last time I was with an attractive woman was... never." "Just give me five minutes." "Maybe six." "I'm begging you." "Five it is." "Here I come, peaches." "Tell me you didn't buy that." "He's going out the back window as we speak." "No, I know a desperate man when I see one." "He'll keep his word and the trance-like ecstasy of sexual gratification may make him an easier target for interrogation." "Well, This is so..." " Awkward?" " Yeah." "Did that sound like sexual ecstasy to you?" "A succubus!" " Stand down, demon." " Don't let her touch me, please!" "Then give us answers." "First your partner drowns in a motel room now you've got a soul-sucking demon attacking you?" "What have you two been up to?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "Ok..." "But I'm losing my grip on this one." "No, wait, wait!" "Me and Double-A pulled off a job, now someone's coming after us." "That's all I know." "You must let me destroy him!" "Oh nuts, my grip is slipping here." "I don't know how long I can hold her." "No!" "I'm talking, I'm talking." "Just keep that freak away from me!" " What was it?" "What'd you steal?" " It was a tuba." " A tuba?" " What kind of tuba?" "Tenor?" "Four valve?" "Silver?" "Gold?" "It was a tuba tuba." "We took it from a bank vault." "You don't want to believe me, that's up to you." "Now tie that thing up!" "Why would anyone want to steal a tuba?" "Ask her boss." "Roxy Wasserman!" "Why doesn't anybody ever listen to me?" "This is hillbilly wear." "It's a nightmare." "What is this, the Grand Ole Opry?" "Get it out of here!" "Out!" "What the..." "We had a deal." "You don't organize heists, you don't collect magical artifacts, and you don't send your succubinical minions out to kill people." "Remember?" "MM, have you forgotten your manners?" "It's not nice to drop in on a lady unannounced." "but we had a deal and you broke it and there's consequences." "If you're sending your demons out to kill, then my sacrifice and that of my sidekick will have been worth it to stop you." "Excuse me?" "Everybody out." "Out!" "Let her go, Dubbie." "MM, Bubbie..." "For many years I have respected our "agreement,"" "but the tuba, that changes everything." "After decades of running this place, offering struggling succubae..." "And incubi." "...a place to stop their killing ways, you just chuck it all away one day for a tuba?" "Not just any tuba." "A cursed tuba." "It's the only musical instrument to survive the sinking of the Titanic." "The ship hit an iceberg, sank, and somebody saved a tuba?" "Exactly." "That instrument is an abomination and whosoever hears the E-flat rumble of its serpentine valves will drown in the icy waters of the North Atlantic." "That explains why there was a crab and clams in the victim's mouth." "Imagine what would happen if that tuba were played for a crowd?" "Or a marching band?" "Or a live television broadcast?" "Thousands, maybe millions, of people could drown..." " In the icy waters..." " Of the North Atlantic." "So you hired a crew to steal the tuba and then sent your soul-sucking ladies to take out the thieves?" "You are as ignorant as your jacket is tacky." "I run a decent, respectable halfway house for succubae." "We want to co-exist with humans." "When I heard that the tuba was stolen this morning" "I decided to do society a little favor and launch my own investigation." "And find and keep for yourself a priceless object of unspeakable power?" "Oh." "I only have the noblest of intentions." "Well, you should have told me." "MM..." "Here's what I propose." "We call a truce." "But if you fail to find and neutralize that brass pipe from hell," "I will send the ladies out to terrorize every single criminal in the city... until it is destroyed... or safely put away." "OK, Rox." "Deal." "Oh, and one more thing." "The key is the tuba." "We have to find it." "That's easier said than done." "It could be anywhere." "If Little-Miss-Can't-Do is done flapping her lips," "I'll find that tuba without leaving the room." "I'm integrating with the world surveillance network, scanning all Internet databanks and search engines, all communication networks, military and civilian." "If anyone on the planet so much as utters the word "tuba" into a phone," "I'll know about it." " I've got a hit!" " What?" "The President used the word "tuba" five times at a breakfast meeting." "Oh." " I've got a hit!" " Yeah?" "An elementary school kid in Hong Kong won a medal for playing the tuba." " I've got a hit." " Uh-huh?" "There's a 2-for-1 tuba blow-out at Reginald's House of Brass in Downers Grove, Illinois." "I've got a hit!" "I've got a hit." "I've got a hit." "The Southampton Philharmonic lost a tuba last Thursday." "They don't want it back." "Break time?" "Keep an eye on the watch." "The moment Ida gets a credible lead, we're back on the streets." "I've got a hit!" " Yo, Wendy Watson." " Hey Noser." " So, how did your day begin?" " With a friendly voice." "Really?" "'Cause all I heard was the sound of salesmen." " Of salesmen?" " Yeah." "Of salesmen." "Weird." "Lace, you got any plans tonight?" "Sorta." "I thought you were working tonight." "Well, I kind of am, but if you wanted to say, go to Little Tokyo to grab some ramen noodles, or pop in a Mario Bava movie or..." "Hey, you look nice." "I know." " And I gotta go." " What?" "Hey now, Wendy Watson, solver of exotic problems, isn't the only one with a life." "Wait, did you just say that I solve "exotic problems?"" "Yeah." "So?" "Well, it's just a very specific turn of phrase." "I'm a very specific girl." "We'll do something tomorrow night, OK?" "Hi, there, Wendy's boss-man." "I..." "I'm really glad you could make it." "I'm a spur-of-the-moment kind of gal." "Cruelty-free vegan candy." "I saved the same seats for us." "Do you ever take that thing off?" " No." " Never?" "It's waterproof, shock-proof and grafted to my skin." "Really?" "Might as well be." "I've got to go." "At least you know how the movie ends." "Actually, I don't." "Like I told you," "I've seen the beginning of Ride Lonesome 16 times." "But the end?" "Never." "You mean you've gone your entire life without finding out if Ben Brigade gets Billy John at the hands of the law, or if his sense of self just ends up another casualty of the dying west?" "I'm sad to say the answer is yes." "If you want, I'll stay 'till the end and let you know what happens." "You'd do that?" "I like to keep the old heroes alive." "One coffee and milk, hold the coffee, for you, and one coffee and milk, hold the milk for me." "So where's the tuba?" "Ida found this posted on MyFaceInaTube. com." "The highly popular social networking and video sharing site?" ""OMG!" "LOL!" "ROTFLMAO!" "WTM?" "I finally got a tuba!"" "So some kid got a tuba and blogged about it." "What makes you think it's the tuba we're looking for?" "That 15-year-old boy happens to be Arturo Arroyo, the son of Gabriel Arroyo, the manager of the Peckinpah Motel." "Where Double-A drowned in his bed." "Apparently Arturo took the tuba from Double-A's room after he died." "He figured Double-A wouldn't need it anymore." ""I have a band audition at the school tonight but my new tuba doesn't have a mouthpiece." "If anyone has an extra mouthpiece, please bring it."" "I get it." "He can't play the tuba without the mouthpiece." "He's bound to find one in the school band room." "If we don't intercept Arturo before someone loans him a mouthpiece, that entire high school..." "Will drown in the icy waters of the North Atlantic, I know." "This is good, no one's drowned yet." "And no one's playing the tuba, which is just as good." "Hey, Bradley, do you have a spare mouthpiece?" "Mister Rogers!" "Stop!" "Thief!" "Put down that tuba!" "Shot in the heart." "That really, really hurts." "Hello, again." "What's the matter?" "Never seen a man come back from the dead before?" "Your name is Cecil Rogers, 23." "No birth certificate or social security number." "But your name is also Charlie Rogers, forensic specialist in Las Vegas." "No birth certificate or social security number." "Your name is also Clarence Rogers, grand prix race car driver in the 1970's and early 80's." "Survived three fiery crashes." "No birth certificate or social security number." "You're also known as Cecil Mulligan," "Hollywood stuntman in the 1930's and 40's." "Cecil Jauregui, Cecil Artiano, Cecil Solis." "All mysterious, risk-takers." "No birth certificate or social security number, which is no surprise since the Social Security Act wasn't created until 1935." "And last but not least, Cecil Calloway Rogers." "Penniless musician." "The only one with a recorded birth certificate." "May I keep this?" "I have so few souvenirs of my youth." "So basically, you're Highlander with a tuba." "Care to fill in the blanks?" "You really going to hit me with that?" "OK." "I was born August 9, 1889." "And yes, I haven't aged a day since the night the Titanic sank into the icy waters of the North Atlantic." "I played with the ship's orchestra." "You know the story." "You saw the movie." "I lived it." "The massive hull shuddering with the howl of twisted metal as the iceberg rent the bow." "The cream of high society and the poorest of steerage trapped as the frigid waters drowned one and all." "and me and my mates, playing for the panicked mob on the ship's deck." "Hang on." "Yeah, I saw the movie." "That was a string quartet." "It was after I ran away." "I tried to reason with Charlie, the band leader, but he insisted we keep going, so I said I'd go play for the doomed third class children below decks." "But you didn't go." "I wrapped my tuba in a blanket told the deck officer it was my slumbering three-year-old baby and got on a lifeboat, taking the spot of a boy with polio and his blind mother." "You took their lives to save yourself and your instrument?" "You nauseate me." "Me and that tuba are cursed for eternity." "As long as the tuba is intact, I will live forever to ponder the lives I took." ""As long as the tuba is intact?"" "Classic curse, Dubbie." "The man and his tuba are spiritually linked." "Kill the tuba, kill the man." "In 1947 the spit valve was clogged." "I spent ten weeks in bed with pneumonia." "So that's why you want it back?" "To end your misery?" "I bet you hear the screams of the drowning dead every night, haunting your every moment." "Actually, it's been a good time for me." "It was rough at first, but then about ten years later, 1922, '23, I started going to the gym, taking a little yoga," "I ride horses, cars, became a stuntman and I was good at it, since I can't die and all." "I bought stock, calculators, then computers, some oil." "I started dating." "That's been going very good." "Very, very good." "So around 1955, I stashed the tuba in a bank vault for safekeeping" " and the rest has been history." " Until someone stole it." "Not just someone." "Arthur Mendelson." "Arthur Mendelson, the philanthropist?" "Oilman, explorer and the world's biggest, most obsessive collector of all things Titanic." "Mendelson's hosting a dinner and dance cruise tonight on his ostentatious private ocean liner which with no doubt I tell you is three feet longer than the Queen Mary and 86 feet longer than the Titanic." "The centerpiece for the festivity is going to be the quintet playing Nearer, My God, to Thee with the real tuba from the Titanic." "And he's invited every Titanic fetishist in the world so he can gloat." "Wait, what about the missing mouthpiece?" "I found it in the motel near Double-A's body and I put it back in the tuba back at the school before that guy shot me and took it." "So Mendelson has the complete tuba and any of his guests who listen to it will drown..." "In the icy waters of the North Atlantic." "Not tonight." "We're gonna be on that ship." "We?" "No way." "Wait." "You're refusing to help get back your own tuba?" "I'm refusing to step foot on a boat of any kind, big or small." "But you're immortal." "Yep, and I stay on dry land." "I'm giving you an opportunity to preserve your life and to help clear your own conscience." "Know what happens when a guy like me gets trapped in a sinking ship?" "My guess is that you'd drown." "Then come back to life." "Then drown again." "For all eternity." "Have fun saving the world." "So all Ida has to do is make a couple of calls and we're on the guest list to the most exclusive private cruise of the year?" "Ida has connections to get us tickets to anything, anywhere, as long as the fate of the world is at stake." "So I get to lose Hitler's smoking jacket and do a mission in a real dress?" "You may also want to do something with your hair." "What's wrong with my hair?" "You know, make it more period-like." "I'll do your hair, Cinderella." "And when it's done, it'll be just like mine." "I'll be back in an hour." "Maybe two." "Mendelson is a collector of all things Titanic." "So his party of course is themed all around..." "The Titanic." "I get it." "You know, I've met Arthur Mendelson." " You have?" " Yep." "My mother, Doctor Barbara Thornfield, MD, PhD, she endowed one of his leukemia treatment centers." "Oh, she's really pushing hard for that sainthood." "So is it just strictly business tonight between you and sexy boss-man?" "I refuse to answer until you stop calling him that." "So, is it strictly business tonight between you and pillow-lips?" "Yes, it's strictly business." "What else would it be?" "I'm going to a Titanic party with my boss." "I didn't even like that movie." "I loved that movie." "I especially loved that song." "Uh..." "I especially hated that song." "Dub-Dub, first rule of achieving a happy makeover:" "never argue with the person holding the curling iron." "7:00 PM" "There's Johnny John." "I bet he didn't leave that .38 snub-nose revolver in his car." "We should have let that succubus have at him." "And that's our host, Arthur Mendelson." "I see a place for the band, but no tuba." "Oh ..." "Tropic of Cancer." "Wendy, language!" "Oh, phooey." "This ship is about to set sail with the most lethal tuba known to man." " They can't be here." " I know, why don't you just go up and talk to Lacey?" "She melts when she sees you." " I'm sure if you just..." " No, not... not tonight." "I'm on armed goon tuba duty." "You're on lose the roomie detail." "Meet me outside when they're on the pier and safe." " Hi there, roomie." " What are you doing here?" "You know me, wherever there's a lobster dinner, I'm there in tails." "It was so much fun getting you ready, I asked Doctor Barbara Thornfield, MD, PhD, well, her assistant, if she could get us invitations." " Isn't it fantastic?" " No." "It's not." "It's the opposite of fantastic." "It's downright dangerous." "You're international consultants." "How can that be dangerous?" "International consultants?" "It's a short dinner cruise of the bay." "What are you so worried about?" "Look, I can't explain why, but if our friendship means anything, you'll listen to what I say and not ask any questions." "Please, Dub-Dub." "We got all dressed up." "I promise I won't embarrass you in front of pillow lips." "I'm begging you." "Why are you doing this?" "All right." "Come on, Noser, let's go home." "Bon voyage." "I think we're sailing away into the virgin sea." "7:17 PM" "Dubbie, we have to check the next corridor." "The tuba must be here somewhere." "Oh, this is efficient." "Another month or two and we'll have covered the ship from bow to stern." "I was thinking maybe we could..." "Shh." "Quiet." "Excuse me?" "I heard something." "Welcome aboard." "Sensei Ping." "Twisted Stones." "On three." "One, two, three." "I forget." "What's my part in Twisted Stones?" "The counting." "How'd you know it was nearby?" "I figured if Johnny John picked that spot to lay an ambush..." "Nice job, Shoeless Joe." "We've got company." "Arthur Mendelson." "You arranged for the theft of the tuba." "You know about the curse." "Oh, let me guess." "Uh... anyone who hears it will drown?" "In the icy waters of the North Atlantic." "Yes." "I'm not a superstitious man but we've all heard all about the curse." "No one's in any danger of drowning, not tonight, not on my ship." "Oh, which, by the way, is three feet longer than the Queen Mary." "And 86 feet longer than the Titanic." "Hmm." "Well, you got that right." "But a cursed tuba?" "Ha!" "Ha!" "You're crazy." "Hello again." "So much for your fear of ships." "Did you really think I wouldn't show up?" "You arranged this, didn't you?" "Mendelson has done me a great favor." "He's gathered everyone who gives a damn about the Titanic and its relics in one place." "And all it took to convince him that I am the great-great-great-great-grandson of the tuba player from the Titanic was to show him the picture you graciously gave me." "So tonight you play the tuba." "Everyone who knows about it dies and your secret remains safe." "My plan is sheer elegance in its simplicity, isn't it?" "No!" "You will have murdered everyone on this ship." "There's still time, Rogers." "If you help us, I'll make sure your tuba is safe for all eternity." "You have my word." "Sorry." "I don't trust good-looking, heroic people." "You have eternal life and this is what you choose to do with it?" "Did I mention how good the dating has been?" "When's the tuba show gonna kick off?" "I dunno." "Have you seen Wendy since she asked us to get out of here?" "It's like she and pillow lips just vanished." "It's a big ship, maybe they don't want to be found." "Thanks a lot, Noser." "Did I see a flash of jealousy streak across that pretty face?" "Why would you think I'm jealous?" "You call the man pillow lips." "You know what?" "I've always wanted to see the cabins in a ship like this." "And I always wanted to finish a lobster dinner." "Be still, Dubbie, I'm handling this." "What are you doing?" "Sending a text message." "To Ida?" "By the time she hops in the Middlejet..." " Maybe I can reach Lacey." " Oh, good idea." " Her number's 555..." " 0164." "I already pressed "send."" "Wait." "Why do you have my roommate's number?" "I have a good memory for numbers." "I know lots of them." "Why do you have my roommate's number?" "I got it from your emergency numbers on your startup paperwork." "My mother is my emergency number." "Why do you have my roommate's number?" "Wait a minute." "Are you and Lacey...?" "No." "I mean." "Not like that." " She was at the movie and..." " The movie with you?" "She followed me there." " Which time?" " Both times." ""International consultant." I solve exotic problems." "You told her all that?" "I was trying to help, to make things easier." "How?" "She's my roommate and my best friend and you're my boss." "How does that make anything easier?" "Why don't you just date my mom while you're at it?" " Is she nice?" " Ahhhh!" "Just kidding." "It was a joke, to relieve the tension." "You want to relieve the tension?" "Don't date my roommate." " Wendy?" " Lacey!" "International Consulting leads to this?" "I said the problems were "exotic."" "Yo." "Wendy's boss." "Hello, Mr. Noser." "How are you?" "You enjoying the party?" "The lobster was sublime, what I had of it." "OK." "Well, you texted me to help." "So I'm here to help." "Just get us out of these cuffs." "Noser, get the ax." "What ax?" "Like in the movie." "I'll close my eyes and love will guide the blade, breaking the cuffs and proving that love conquers all." "No way, Noser." "No!" "I have a universal key!" "Why didn't you say that earlier?" "Wouldn't have helped." "You couldn't have reached it and neither could I." "It's in my front pocket." "Can I just use the ax?" " Noser!" " Noser!" "Listen to me." "I need you two to get as far away from that ballroom as possible." "Go to the other side of the ship, plug your ears with these and be ready to send out an SOS if something goes wrong." "Are you familiar with Morse Code?" "I know how to tap out SOS." "I told you I loved that movie." "Ladies and gentlemen, honored guests, and dear, dear friends, the moment we have all been waiting for is finally upon us." "You are about to hear a sound that has not been heard since the early part of the 20th century." "He's got the whole ship wired for sound." " Sweet." " No place is safe!" "That's what I meant." "The man playing the tuba tonight is the great-great- great-great grandson of the man who last played that same instrument on the decks of the Titanic, to ease the fears of his fellow passengers." "Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great honor to present to you, Mister Cecil Rogers." "Stop that woman!" "She's got my tuba!" "Oh, why couldn't it have been a piccolo?" "Dubbie!" "Dubbie!" "Throw it overboard." "Get to the nearest railing and throw the tuba into the sea." "Shouldn't I find something to smash it with?" "I know You're going to question that order." "Do it anyway." "Throw it overboard." "The pressure will destroy it." " Good point." " Don't argue with me, just do it." "I'm not arguing, I'm running." "Now, now, let's not do anything hasty." "Take a step closer, I'll throw the tuba overboard." "Kill the tuba, kill the man?" "Something like that." "Dubbie?" "!" "Hey!" "Ahhh!" "Help!" "Hey, boss!" "I'm down here." "Dubbie, I've got you." "Grab a hold of something and climb up." "He's got the tuba!" "Ladies and gentlemen!" "We promised you a tuba concert." "And by God you're going to get one you'll never forget." "Step aside, boss." "I got this one." "Sweet Molly Brown!" "Good shooting, Dubbie." "Good shooting." "Ladies..." "Ladies and gentlemen, uh, what can I say?" "The tuba that we all came here to listen to tonight is now lying at the bottom of the bay, and apparently when we dock, I'm going to be arrested by the Coast Guard and the FBI charged with grand larceny," "so...uh... here's the string quartet." "Enjoy the rest of the cruise." "And..." "I'm gonna have another bourbon." "Lacey could have died on this ship." "We all could have." "Thank God we saved the day." "Doesn't matter." "If it weren't today, it would be some other day, some other mission, some other danger." "I know what you're thinking." "I'm your boss." "She's your roommate." "I'm ten years older than she is and our world is too dangerous." "And you're right." "There's no reason for me to endanger someone we both care about." "Actually, what I was thinking is that under any other circumstances," "I would be so happy for the two of you." "May I?" "There's something I need you to know." "Me first." "You were right." "Randolph Scott is amazing." "The best." "He's reduced everything about being a gunfighter to its existential individualistic essence." "Words are the enemy." "Only action is real." "We are what we do, not what we say." "So his eyes and his guns do the talking, and you're just like him." "You're like every one of the heroes I admire." "You take charge and protect the ones you love." "It's inspiring." "But there's a rule at my work." "I can't see you in the "dating" sense of the word." "You're my associate's roommate." "It's not right." "Wendy wouldn't care." "Not if it made me happy." "I do." "It's not right." "It's like Sam Boone says in Ride Lonesome," ""There are some things a man just can't ride around."" "Well..." "What about a movie?" "That'd be OK, right?" "This sucks." "Good night, Miss Thornfield." "Wait a minute." "I have to tell you something." "At the end of Ride Lonesome Ben Brigade kills the man that kills his wife." "Only it doesn't happen the way you think it's gonna happen." "But once it does, you realize that no other ending was possible."