"Bad news, Mr. D'Arcy." "I'm afraid we're gonna have to operate." " You do have insurance, don't you?" " Yes." "Well, then we will be using anesthesia." "And how are we today, Mr. O'Malley?" "My heart hurts." "Good, good." "Tack on another grand for the consultation." "Thank you." "Hey!" "They can get away with anything just because they changed their first name to "doctor."" "Man, when you lose your looks..." "Hi, Mr. D'Arcy." "Wow, you look..." "You look great." "Remind me on the way home to pick up a black dress, okay?" "Kelly." "Hey, Mr. D'Arcy." "You look great." "Well, compared to that guy." "Hey, you guys." "Thanks for coming by." "Where's your dad and the rest of my buddies?" "They wanted to come, but there was an emergency." "I thought they said there was a game on." "There was an emergency game." "It just broke out." "But they did send some candy." "Oh, where is it?" "It melted on the way over here." "Yeah, in our stomachs." " Later, man." " See you." "Hey, don't you guys wanna know how I got here?" "You promised we wouldn't have to talk to him." "It all started on the day of my anniversary." "Al and the guys were having a special NO MA'AM breakfast meeting." "Oh, Froot Loops and beer, the breakfast of champions." "Don't you know that breakfast is the most important meal of the day?" "So just Fruit Loops for you?" "No." "Just beer." "Focus!" "Focus, gentlemen, focus." "We are here on an important mission." "To save our brother, D'Arcy from the fire-breathing, lipless beak of his wife on the day when all married men need their friends the most:" "Their wedding anniversary." "Brother Dan, has code name KFC flown the coop yet?" "No, but she's headed for the living room." "Let's hope there's a man left to rescue after Marcie's done with him." "Don't be ridiculous." "Jefferson may look like a pretty boy, but he's all man." "Oh, Lance, how I've longed for you." "Don't do it, Lance." "She's really your sister." "Jefferson, did you make me coffee?" "Yes, dear." "Oh, a 3:00 job interview?" "Fine." "Could you hold on?" "I got another call." "Give me that." "You know what day it is today?" "Today?" "Of course, it's your" "It's my" "It's our?" "It's our..." "What could we possibly have in common?" "It's our anniversary, you soap-addicted wastrel." "Oh, Marcie, I was gonna surprise you, but now you've ruined it." "I" "Don't talk." "Just listen." "I'll go to work." "Then I'll come home." "I'll set the table I'll cook the dinner and tonight in bed, I'll even do all the work." "All you have to do is look pretty smell nice and stay away from Al and those NO MA'AM idiots." "Marcie, why can't I play with Al?" "It's my anniversary too." "Look, I am tired of spending my anniversary bailing you out of jail." "Now, you just shower and shave and be here when I get home at 7." " Jefferson." " Hey, hey, hey." "Look, no, I know why you guys are here and whatever it is, I just can't do it, okay?" "I promised Marcie I would stay home and there's nothing you can say to make me go back on that promise." "But it's foreign-exchange day at the Jiggly Room." "Featuring hooters from our sister city, Chihuahua, Mexico." " Hey, why aren't you guys at work?" " We're sick." "Except for me, I'm working." "The mayor has been taken hostage." "All available units" "Come on, let's go to the nudie bar." "No, no, no." "Look, I just-- I can't do it, it's my anniversary." "Well, we know that." "That's our gift to you." "Yeah." "And guess who the featured dancer is." "Miss Sierra Madre." "Sixty-three triple-K." "Come on, Jefferson." "It's just us, some liquor and a bunch of Mexican strippers." "What could happen?" "Well, you put it that way, okay." "Hey, but I have to be back by 7." "Well, that only gives us nine hours." "Arriba!" "So the point is, they practically forced me to go." "Hey, where are you guys going?" "That was such a good ending, we thought you were finished." "Heck, no." "I was just getting started." "Nurse, I need a Q-Tip and a hammer." "Just pinch that tube, he'll fall right asleep." "Cool." "So I went with Al and the guys to the nudie bar with only the best of intentions." "Each and every one of us was a perfect gentleman." "Oh, baby." "Hey, I'm a village person." "Mr. D'Arcy should I continue to charge the lap dances on your wife's credit card?" "Sure, it's her anniversary too." "Oh, and have one yourself, Iqbal." "One thousand thank-yous." "And dollars." "Jefferson, you told me to tell you when it's 6:00." "Thanks, Al." "When is it?" "About a half-hour ago." " I gotta get home." " I was about to take you there." "Oh, yeah, right." "I gotta get to my home away from here." "I still have to get a present for..." "What day is it?" "All chicken's eve?" "Yeah." "No." "Marcie's birth-a-versary." "Oh, man, what am I gonna do?" "Everybody, huddle up, huddle up." "All right, fellas, when one of us is in need, what do we do?" "Try to help him out and in so doing we make things worse." "Exactly." "But now we need to think of an anniversary present." "Any ideas?" "Hey, you know, lingerie is always nice." "This is for Jefferson's wife?" "Yeah..." "Al, what did you get Peggy for your anniversary?" "Well, it depends on the year." "The first year is paper, so I put a big bag over her head." "I can't wait for the plastic anniversary." " I just had a thought!" " What?" "Why don't you get a tattoo?" "I had my boyfriend's name tattooed on me for his birthday." " I don't see no tattoo." " Oh, no?" "It's right here." "Oh, man, I'd love to be her boyfriend." "I'd love to be her boyfriend's name." "All right, fellas, break." "Break it up." " Jefferson, you gotta get one of those." " Oh, I don't know, Al." "It's hard enough that Marcie has to support me." " Having another mouth to feed..." " Not the girl, you beer nut!" "I'm talking about a tattoo." "Yeah." "Yeah, I mean, what could be more romantic than having a woman's name etched into your arm by an accomplished..." " ...body illustrator?" " Is there a tattoo artist in the house?" "Harris, of course." "This is your lucky day, Jefferson." "Harris can do this for you." "Shake it, baby, shake it!" "Well, Jefferson, how'd it go?" "Great." "I got my tattoo and Harris passed out right after, so I didn't even have to pay him." " Yeah, let's see it." " Let's see it, come on." " Wanna see it?" " Let's see it, come on." " Nothing there." " Okay." "That's blank, man." " Maybe I didn't get a tattoo." " Oh, man." "I got one." "All right, Jefferson, drop trou." " Hang two." " Here we go, come on." "Marcie's gonna love this." "I don't know, Jefferson." "I think he left out the C." "What are you talking about?" "I hate to tell you this, buddy but you might be married to Marcie but your ass says "I love Mary."" "So the tattoo on my butt said "I love M-A-R-Y."" "So, what's the problem?" "M-A-R-Y, Marcy." "There's a C in Marcie." "M-A-R-Y-C?" "Oh, oh, yeah, the C is silent, right." "That's it." "I'm gone." " Shouldn't we do something?" " Yeah, you're absolutely right." "So there I was with "Mary" tattooed on my rump and Harris was too drunk to repair the damage." "And I had to get home to Marcie." "Then Al said if I could stall Marcie for a while maybe he could come up with a good plan." "And he almost did." "Honey, come on." "Dinner is served." "Jefferson sweetheart, exactly how many pairs of pants are you wearing?" "Exactly three." " Why?" " Well, because the third anniversary is the pants anniversary." "It's our fifth." "Well, I'm also wearing two pairs of underwear." "What is going on?" "All right, Marcie, I'll be honest with you." "I was looking forward to a little game of strip poker later and I intend to win." "In that case, let's just skip dinner and shuffle the cards." "Baby, you're trembling." "Come on, take me on the veal scaloppine right now." "Hang on." "No." "No." "No, not after you've gone to all this trouble." "There you go, Mary." "What'd you call me?" "Mary." "It's my secret little pet name for you." "I mean, Marcie's gotta be long for something like Mary." "I hate the name Mary." "Now sit down and eat." "I think I'll eat standing." "Why?" "Because I find the top of your head so beautiful." "That and the name Mary are my two favorite things about you." "Jefferson, sit." "Yes, dear." "Honey, why are you down there?" "Because I worship you." "Jefferson, eat your dinner now." "Save your knees for later." "Yes, dear." "This looks great." "Hurry up and eat your dinner because afterwards we can go upstairs and have dessert." "Oh, boy." "Jefferson, enough." "Bed, now." "Marcie, it's healthy to chew every bite of food 2500 times." " One." "Two." " Look..." " Three." " ..." "I am going upstairs to get ready." "When I come back down, I want you out of food and out of your pants." "All of them." "Al, how's it coming?" "Fine, fine." "We're almost ready." "Call back in a few minutes." "No." "That doesn't look like a C either." "Hey, he's been trying for three hours." "There isn't much room left." "We're gonna have to shave that other cheek." "Come on, Harris." "For God's sake, just make a C. How tough can it be?" " I need a shot." " I'll give you a shot." "Al, is that you?" "Al, I'm in Paris." "Everyone here is so rude and smelly I'm just thinking about you all the time." "Oh, Al, I know you think about me too." "I wish I could see your face right now." "Oh, stop barking at me." "I know you're upset about the cost of me taking the Concorde over here but I'm hot on Dad's trail." "Yeah, he was spotted at a Jerry Lewis film festival." "Bad dog." "That doesn't look like a C." "Lay off, will you?" "C is a tough letter." "When your blood has more alcohol than plasma, they're all tough letters." "Hello." "Yeah, Jefferson, come on over." "He's as ready as he's gonna be." "Hold it, partner." "Going somewhere?" "Me?" "No, ma'am." "Say, I got an idea." "To enhance the pleasure why don't you go up and hide somewhere real sexy and I'll count while you hide, and when I find you, oh, baby..." "One." "So then what happened?" "Well, I made it over to your dad's house." "Harris repaired the tattoo and Marcie finally got her anniversary present." "Well, so if the tattoo was fixed, then why do you need surgery now?" "Take a look." "Old-guy butt." ""I love Marty"?" "So I guess you're here to have that thing removed, huh?" "Well, yeah, that and the other thing." "What other thing?"