"** [theme]" "[laughing]" "Agh, Television." "I hate" " Why do I always land on Television." "Can't this generation define itself by something other than old songs or members of old television shows?" "[humming together]" "I mean old tunes from old TV shows, [vocalizing theme from The Dick Van Dyke Show]" "Sunday, Buddy and Sally on The Dick Van Dyke Show." "Oh, God, you remember the one with the walnuts?" "You know with the aliens?" "And they all get the door and they all fall on top of them." "How about the one where they think they bring the wrong baby" " from the hospital." " Oh, that was the best." "And it turns out the father's Greg Moore." "Oh, that was so good." "I've been wasting my time reading Ivanhoe." "1958, Roger Moore, made in England." "Do you ever noticed how mothers are always dead on those TV shows?" "Like Bachelor Father, My Three Sons, and that one with Brian Keith and the fat guy." "I always used to think about that whenever my mother was yelling at me." "Oh." "I used to stay home from school and watch all these shows." "And I used to think, Oh, my God." "Is this way life is suppose to be?" "You know I mean Chip, you know?" "One week he starts his own business and he makes all his money." "And the next week he's flunky out of school, right?" "Because he's chairmen of the dance committee." "[laughs]" "Only what happen to the business, you know?" "Come on, I love TV." "I mean, everybody always nice, and everybody always happy." "[Gary] Julius and Ethel Rosenberg." "[together] What?" "They played Buddy and Sally." "[together] Right." "I just remember the episode where they were executed as Russian spies." " Yeah." " Terrible." "[Ellyn] I ain't even gonna play this game." "[Michael] Is that enough?" "Michael, it's a tricycle." "That's a huge present." "Well, I know, but what if she doesn't like it?" "Then there's no back up." "Maybe we should order the entire FAO Schwarz catalog just to be safe." "And the presents my parents are sending and the ridiculous clothes that Melissa will buy her and things you've already bought her for Hanukkah." "I mean, and anyway" "I'm not changing the subject." "I'm talking about Christmas." "No, you're talking about presents." "I just want to know if we're talking about the same holiday here." "Ugh, okay." "Okay." "Okay." " We get a tree and a menorah." " Correct." "Are we talking lights on the outside of the house?" "Are we talking going to synagogue?" "Okay." "Theology." "You want to know if I accept December 25th as the birth of Jesus." " Michael." " Okay, okay, I accept it." "Now, you want to know if I accept that a star lead three wise men to a manger or a lady who claims she hadn't had sex just had a baby who was the son of God." "And I'm suppose to accept that a tiny drop oil lasted eight days and that six men with bows and arrows defeat all the Roman legions?" "Syrians." "Okay, okay." "I'll give you the star and the three wise men if you agree to no lights outside, presents, and at least two nights of Hanukkah." "And a 50% reduction in medium range ballistic missiles." "Listen, Michael, I just want this all to be okay." "I mean, last year you were so sad and obnoxious." "And because" "Well, because" "And because" "It's Christmas." "Right." "[Michael] So tomorrow at the airport," "I'm gonna get you know one of those airplanes that fly back to you for Elliot." "He loves those." "[Hope] Which leaves Ethan, Nancy, and Ellyn." "[Michael] I'll Ethan one, too." "Oh, I feel sorry for Ethan." "Nancy says all he talks about is shooting down Santa Claus with a missile launcher." "I know, look, a little heat seeking action." "You know a SAM6?" "That would do the trick." "Oh, great." "And then there's Brittany and Carol and Linda." "Okay, open up for Mommy." "Just a couple bites before we go." "No, you don't want any?" "You want to feed yourself?" "Okay, you do it." "There's Jim, Barton, and your brother." "We don't have to get him anything." "Oh, and there's your mother and my parents." "And" " Oh, God, the post office." "I'm gonna spend my entire lunch hour standing in line." " You want me not to go?" " No, I want you to go." " I just want you to be in two places at once." " [bowl falls]" "Oh, sweetie, did you spill?" "Oh." "Oh, sweetheart." "Michael?" "You know what?" "I got an idea." "We pick out a charity, and we make donations in everybody's name." "It's quick, it's virtuous, and it's convenient." "Yeah, Steve, David, Marlene." "No, the AIDS project." "The homeless." "Wait, there's some right there." "Oh, well, give me that." "Thank you." "Yeah, Michael, I know." "I mean, it's Christmas, and you do make donations, but you still have to buy presents." "But why?" "Can you explain to me again why they wait a year to put up your father's headstone?" "They want to make sure he's really dead." "Oh, okay, okay." " You leave tomorrow." " Um-hm." "And you come back Friday morning which brings us to Christmas Eve." "And that means the food and the chairs and the tree." "[Hope] Okay, we got to go." "All right." "You know, Janey, didn't anybody ever tell you that you're always late, huh?" "That you're always late for daycare." "And did they tell you that socialization begins at preschool housing?" " Say goodbye to Daddy." " Give me a kiss." "Give me a kiss." "Okay, good." "We're late." "You want that?" "Okay, we'll get it later, sweetie." " Okay, bye." " Bye." "[Hope] Say bye-bye." "Bye." "It's just life." "[laughter on TV]" " [applause on TV] - [car starts]" "[TV show theme music]" "Honey, I'm-- home." "Honey?" "Whoa!" "[laugh track]" "You have to take a look at what-- [applause track]" "Little Janey did today." "[laugh track]" "It's beautiful." "What's that?" "Oh, just a list of presents we have to buy." "[laugh track]" "Honey, I am so glad to be home." "You know what Thornback did today?" "Ah, you don't want to know." "I don't want to know, but I have to know." "All you have to know... is that I'm so glad to be home." " But that's" " Alone with my very own wife." "Ready to spend the night doing absolutely nothing." "Recharging the battery." "Shutting out the entire world." "Not speaking to another living soul until tomorrow." "Mikey." "[applause track]" "Ho ho ho, big fella." "Hey, how's that ad game going?" "Elliot, how are you doing?" "What are you doing here?" "Ah, just a small flood in the kitchen." "Old Nance put a little too much soap in the dishwasher again." "If he'd done the dishes sometime in the past two years, he would have known that the dishwasher is broken." "Oh-ho." "You want to air our dirty dishes in public?" "Real funny, Dad." "[laugh track, applause track] [weather man on TV] Look out, Delaware Valley." "With the holiday season upon us," "I guess that's the time of year we can anticipate some snowhere throughout Bucks County and Montgomery County, throughout the entire greater Philadelphia area." "We said the Poconos are already getting some of that snowfall." "Uh, gonna be a little" "Oh, yeah, I got it, I got it, I got it!" "Okay, okay." "So the guy walks in and he says," ""Don't give me a cherry soda." "I'm not into berry soda." ""Let me have the very soda that I really need."" "[imitating boombox]" ""Latten's natural, general working, fast action, mineral tonic."" "A rap song to sell laxative?" "What the hell do you want from me?" "I'm sick of this." "I am, I'm sick of this." "I'm sick of carrying this business." "I'm sick of you sitting there passing judgment on every idea I have inhibiting my creativity." "We could show before and after pictures." "Look, I know why I'm not working." "Why are you not working?" "I am working, just badly." "Tomorrow I see my father's headstone." " That should be fun." " Yeah." "I don't know if I want to be buried." "Aw, come on." "Putrefaction is part of the life cycle." "Replenishing the soil." "Plants can grow." "Animals can eat." "People can eat animals and get clogged arteries and die." "Replenish the soil some more." "Hey, you want to know what I'm getting you for Christmas?" "I don't believe in Christmas." "I'm gonna shoot down" "Santa's reindeer with a machine gun." "Yeah, I thought Ethan wanted a missile launcher?" "Yeah, weapons change daily and ordnance." "Really?" "What are you gonna do about it?" "Tell Santa to take out insurance." "I mean what can I do?" "Well, it's the first Christmas since we broke up." "Who can blame him?" "Is there anything we can do?" "Yeah, tell his parents to get their crap together." "[sighs]" "All right, okay here we go." "Okay, this is it." "Right here." "Rock and roll." "This is it." "Right here, okay." " Two guys." " Two guys, okay." "I like that." " Old guys." " Old guys, all right." "Two very old guys, all right?" "Only it's the future." "So they got these weird cloths on, right?" "People are floating by, and one of them says to the other one," "[Bronx accent] "So are you going to Mars today?"" "And the other says," "[Brooklyn accent] "Go to Mars?" "I can't even go to the toilet."" "It's great." " This is the future?" " Right." "People have accents like that?" "Never mind, Elliot." "Wouldn't people not have accents like that?" "No, Elliot, Elliot, it's a commercial in the present." "It's suppose to funny now." "Never mind, Elliot." "Mikey, that's really good." "Forget it." "Blow the whole thing up." "I don't care." "I don't want to do this anymore." " You're a funny guy." " Apparently, Elliot." "[intercom beeps]" " Funny, that's very funny." " What?" "[Jewish accent] What, go to the bath or toilet?" "What is it?" "Beam me up Scotty, I get up." "What?" "What?" "Wait, what?" "Well, put him on." "Yes." "When?" "No, wait." "What do you mean?" "What do-- Well, is she" "What hospital?" "What do you mean you can't tell me she's not okay?" "Um-hum, all right." "All right, okay." "Um, Hope was in an accident with Janey." "They're at the hospital." "They took them to the hospital, and then they won't tell me anything." "Oh, my God, Janey." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "No, no, S-T-E-A-D-M-A-N." "I'm gonna to have to page Dr. Richards." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Why do you have to page him?" "Can't you just tell me if she's okay?" "Is she alive?" "Sir, your wife is alive." "Now just sit down." "Doctor will be with you in the minute." "All right." "[sighs] [baby cries]" "Oh, baby, Come here, come here." "Okay, okay." "Are you Mr. Steadman?" "Yeah, Daddy's here." "The contusions on her face look worst than they are." "And there's no evidence of concussion." "She's lucky really that she had her seat belt on." "And in terms of any internal stuff?" "Well, we scanned her." "There's no fluid in the abdominal cavity, but it's hard to tell with internal injuries." "Probably the best thing to do is to keep her quiet a few days and then watch." "I'm okay." "Really." "Believe it or not." "Are you okay?" "Where's Janey?" "She's fine." "She's outside." "I have to see her." "In a little while." "I look terrible." "No, silly." "Huh." "I was just driving along and, um, and Janey was singing "Kumbaya."" "And, um, and then this car just started drifting across the four lanes on the expressway." "Like bouncing off cars and I just kept thinking this is so weird." "I'm sorry." "Shh." "[whimpers]" "Shh." "[telephone rings]" "Who's left?" "Hello." " Hi, Gary." " Hi, Gary." "You know, um, she's okay." "No, no, actually we got things pretty much in hand." "Um, Elliot's trashing the kitchen." "Janey did that." "Uh, no." "No, she was on the expressway, and some idiot lost control and he bounced off the guard rail." "Yeah, really." "Tell me about it." "Um, yeah sure." "Okay." "Nah, you know what?" "Actually it would be better if you came tomorrow." "Uh-huh." "Okay." "Okay, I'll tell her." "All right, thanks." "[sighs]" "If I have to tell that story one more time..." "Ah, print up a detailed account and be sure to include how I spent 20 bucks on cab fare from the hospital." "[telephone rings]" "Hello." "Hi, Mom." "[Michael] Uh, oh, right." "Right, uh." "[Janey] Hi, Mom." "You know, uh, actually, before we talk about flight times." "Um, Hope was in a small accident today." "No, no, no." "Mom, Mom, she's okay." "She okay." "Yes, she has to stay in bed." "Yeah, no, no, Mom." "We just have to keep an eye on her." "Hey, pal." "Hi, Nance." "She's okay." "She okay?" "Go see Janey's rabbit for a minute." " She's on pain killers." " What kind?" "[Michael] Yes, Mom, Janey was in the car" "Janey was in the car, oh." "[Michael] Mom, Mom?" "She wasn't hurt at all." "No, they just want to make sure that there are no internal injuries." "Is the car like all smashed up?" "Can I see it?" "Yeah, you know what, Mom?" "I hate to say it, but, I think maybe your right." "Dad, are you coming for Christmas or not?" "Well, uh" "Well, sure, I guess." "Or maybe we can do our own Christmas thing." "You know, huh?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "I'll tell her." "I can't believe you just said that." "Your the one who always says not to lie to him." "Right, so then you make him a promise you have no intention of keeping." "[Michael] Yeah, okay." "We love you too, Mom." "Goodbye." "Goodbye." "Hi, Mike." "Is it all right if I go up and just say hi." "Yeah." "* Where those sleigh bell * * ring-a-ling jing-jing-a-ling-a-ling, too *" "[audience laughter on TV]" "[TV show theme]" "[Michael] Elliot, we're on a deadline, and you got us auditioning Santas for Ethan's Christmas pageant." "We're going bankrupt." "I know were going bankrupt." "Where's Hope?" "She should have been home hours ago." "Elliot, there's a blizzard out there." "Mike, Mike, stop worrying and agonizing." "We got real problems here." "These Santas are terrible." "[laugh track]" "Which means" "What's that?" " Oh, yes, yes." " No, no, no!" "No, no, no!" " Elliot." " It's beautiful." "It's you." " Elliot." " I smell chestnuts roasting on the open fire." " [sleigh bells ring]" " Elliot!" "I hear sleigh bells?" "[man] Excuse me, gentlemen." "You haven't seen several reindeer pass this way, have you?" "Excuse me?" "What a mess." "Someone is going to hear about this." "Um, too big." "Uh, too small." "If I don't hurry up," "I'll miss Belgium and Liechtenstein." "Excuse me, sir." "are you all right?" "All right?" "I'm a mess." "These television antennas are a mess." "You can't find a decent rooftop anywhere." "So I park on the street." "I'm in a house not five minutes, and my sleigh is being towed away." "I see a nice group of kids on the corner." "I ask for help." "Then next thing you know, they're stealing my clothes." "Good will to men, indeed." "[laugh track] [groans]" "Elliot, that man needs help." "I'll say." "No, really, he's a sick man, Elliot." "We can't let him go wandering the streets out there." " It's Christmas Eve." " Exactly." "And we have one hour to get to Ethan's school." "We don't have time to get involve with some crazy man" " Don't worry, I'll talk to him for a second." " Michael!" "[Elliot] Michael!" "I don't know." "It was just weird see it, you know?" "I mean I finally gotten to the point where I wasn't cringing every five minutes thinking about what could have happened." "But it didn't happen." "I know so everything is great." "It is great." "I know it's great." "That's why we're here." "You know you can come with me later?" "Synagogue?" "Ooh, serious business." "Come, Michael." "It's not serious." "It's actually kind of interesting." "You're kidding, right?" "No, no, I was surprise myself." "Listen, last week Shelly Friedman, she roped me into one of those Friday night deals" "Well, I mean it's not a Springsteen concert." "But there was this-- I don't know, this kind of warm feeling." "And it's something to do on a Friday night." "And there's single men." "Michael, it's not like Hebrew school anymore." "I mean there were people there like us." "People who don't go to synagogue." "And this guy Markowitz, the rabbi, he's really smart." "And cute." " Shut up." " I mean" " No." "Okay." "I mean you know last time I was in synagogue, and besides when dad died," "I think it was 1967 when Nate the janitor caught Alec Malasa slugging down the Manischewitz." "I mean, I don't know." "Hebrew school and all that." "You know, what did that have to do with Little League and the Beatles and getting girls to go to second." "I don't know you know." "At least it's more than that." "It's just stop making sense." "Do you believe in God?" "I think we better get this done." "[Melissa] So what kind are we getting?" "[Michael] What kind am I getting?" "Are there different kinds?" "I don't know, a big one." "Last chance to see Rabbi Markowitz." "No, thanks." "This is God's revenge for the time you planted a tree in Israel for Alfred E. Neuman." "Later." "[coughing] [water dripping]" "Sweetie?" "I'm fine." "I just feel a little dizzy." "[groans]" "[kisses]" "You're gonna pick up the phone, and you're gonna tell them what happened to you last night." "And if you don't do it, then I will." "Look, I just got dizzy." "I've been in bed for two days taking drugs and I got up to fast." "I'm already behind enough here, Michael." "Wait a minute." "You don't think you're going out today." "We are on the brink of a disaster here." "If I don't go out today we won't be ready." "Oh, Hope, forget the presents." "Forget the dinner." "And the first thing we have to do is go to the rental car place." "Look, Hope, I will get the stuff." "I'll make the dinner." "Michael, I can't let you do that." "I am fine, okay?" "I want to do this." "I have to go out." "You know this thing scared me, too." "I just get" "Okay, okay, look." "All I need to do," "I need to get the stuff for the turkey and the stuff for the stuffing, okay?" "And the chairs, all right?" "The chairs you're gonna get from Elliot." " Yeah" " You know we can have, like, a really convincing simulation of a Christmas dinner here." "A Christmas dinner, Janey, huh?" "Won't that be nice with candles and holly?" "And I can bake bread and cookies and" "Honey?" "I'll drop you off." "[Elliot] So, you know, it becomes, like, this really big fight." "Howie Sulaski telling me there's no such thing as Santa Claus." "And I say there is." "And he says," ""What, is he like Superman, flying down people's chimneys and stuff?" ""What is he, invulnerable?"" "So the guy ties together three cherry-bombs, and he puts a trip wire in our chimney." "How late are stores open on Christmas Eve?" "So my dad, Christmas Eve, goes to light a fire." "Blows a 3-foot hole in our roof." "[laughs]" "Ethan, is your dad telling the truth?" "Yeah, there's no such thing as Santa Claus." "What?" "What are you talking about?" "Hey, hey, did you do that?" "Whoa, buddy, that's really cool." "What, did he get hit by an anti-aircraft here?" "That's great." "You still gonna be an artist when you grow up?" "He got hit by a heat seeking." "[vocalizes]" "Ethan, Ethan, watch out." "Watch out, there's people working." "Sorry." "Ethan." "Howie Sulaski, huh?" "So you have a history consorting with Jews." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "I have a lot of admiration for the Jewish race." "Their warmth." "Their infinite patience in face of adversity." "Yeah, the Jews have played a key part in my personal development." " Really?" " Yeah, of course they killed our Lord, but I've forgiven them for that." "What role in your personal development?" "I lost my virginity to Judy Saperstein." "Oh, yeah?" "But you didn't marry her, did you?" "No, you married someone of your own persuasion." "I would have married her, except for she dumped me for Gordon Birnbaum." "And, of course, they're happy now, right?" "I mean, lighting candles on Friday night." "Not eating shellfish together." "No." "Actually, I heard they became Sikks and moved to an ashram in upstate Oregon." "[imitates dogfight]" "I swear to you." "I'm outside of the synagogue last night." "I might as well heard voices." ""Michael, why did you do it?" ""Why did you marry a shiksa?"" "Hope isn't Jewish?" "Thank you, Elliot." "No, you're right, Michael." "It's such a comfort that Nancy and I are the same religion." "Kind of a beacon for our marriage." "This holiday season, especially." "Are you gonna give me presents, even if you're not there for Christmas?" "No way." "What are crazy?" "What are you, nuts?" "I mean" " No, no, no." "Presents are for people who aren't being tickled." "Are you coming?" "Are you?" " I don't know." " You have to." "Look, your mom and I have to talk about it." "That's what you always say." "Well, that's because it's true." "[kisses]" "Then you never do talk about it." "We will talk about it." "I promise." "I want to go home." "Look, I told you." "I don't get off work until 5." "Michael is gonna take you home." "I don't want Michael to take me home." "I don't have time to take you home now." "Then I'll go myself." "[sighs]" "Ethan." "Ethan!" "Ethan, come on." "[laughter on TV]" "You brought this man home, and you don't know who he is or what's wrong with him?" "Melissa, he need help." "He was all alone, and it's Christmas Eve." "Mike, the man is in his underwear." "They stole his suit." "Urg." "[car approaches]" "That's her." "Oh, she's home." "Thank heavens." "Honey." "I didn't know you cared, Rudolph." "Shh." " Where did you get that nose?" " Ask you husband." "[Michael] Where's my wife?" "You didn't see her on the road, did you?" "I can barely see the front of my car." "She's not here yet?" "What am I gonna do?" "She's lost in the snow." "I know it." "Now, Mike, look on the bright side." "She's probably out buying you a great present." " Ugh." " [laugh track]" "Ah.Well, I'm calling the police anyway." "Well, we're gonna make the eggnog." " Oh, yeah." " I'll drink it." "No, no, not without that nutmeg, you're not." "And I left it next door." "And, Elliot, don't you dare get drunk." "Nah, nah." "[laugh track, applause track]" " Dad?" "Dad." " [applause track]" "Mr. Steadman, you look really neat." "Mr. Steadman?" "Ha ha." "That's amusing." "I am not Mr. Steadman." "I am Mr. Kringle." "Yeah, sure." "You don't believe me, either." "There's no such thing as Santa." "Sometimes-- Sometimes" "Sometimes I think you're right." "Okay, if you're Santa, what do I want for Christmas?" "A Silo-50 and shooting shells and Granny stickum caps." "My dad told you." "But I didn't tell my dad." "Because Billy has one, and you're gunfighters together, and you saw him break Mr. Foster's window and swore not to tell." "You are Santa." "[studio audience] Aww!" "I know what else you want for Christmas, even though you haven't told a soul." "You do?" "You want your parents to stop fighting all the time and go back to the way they used to be." "I don't think even Santa Claus could do that." "You'd be surprised what kind of presents good little boys get for Christmas." "Heavens!" "Look at the time." "Run along and get your parents." " You'll have to go." " [applause track]" "And you, young man." "What is it you would like for Christmas?" "So, Eth, what are you going to get for Christmas?" "I don't know." "Hmm." "You ever play gunfighters?" "Hmm?" "Like who can draw the fastest?" "Gunfighters?" "Does that come with Zapticon and Trypticon?" "Never mind." "Are you Jewish?" "Yeah." "How'd you know?" "Jews have Hanukkah." "They get presents eight nights in a row." "Yeah, yeah, but not big ones." "They just get big ones the first night." "After that, it's like stuff from your aunt-- you know, pants and wallets." "Jews can't put lights on their house." "Hmm." "Well..." "I'm glad I'm Christian." "That's good, Eth." "People should be glad they are what they are." "On Hanukkah, does everybody get presents together?" "What do you mean?" "Does everybody get presents together, like the moms and dads?" "Yeah, they try to." "Your dad's dead." "Yeah." "Mine's separated." "Bye." "Goodbye, Eth." "[chattering]" "[Man] Excuse me." "[rabbi] We will continue now with the Ma'ariv service on page 228." "[praying in Hebrew]" "[door opens]" "[Woman] Good night, Rabbi Markowitz." "[Markowitz] Good night." "Who's skulking outside my office?" "Nobody." "So, Mr. Nobody, you want to come in and skulk?" "No, really, I was just walking" "Hello." "Um..." "Hi." "I'm terrible with faces." "Oh." "Uh..." "I'm Michael Steadman." "I'm, um," "I'm not even a member here." "So get out." "We don't allow intruders here." "Melissa Steadman is related to you?" "My cousin." "Such a talent, such a lovely girl." "Can't you get her to do something about that hair?" "So, Michael Steadman, Melissa's cousin." "What can I do for you?" "Nothing." "I was" "I was just skulking by." "Nonsense." "Everybody wants something-- advice on their love life." "I should say a prayer over a sick poodle." "So go ahead." "What can I tell you you won't like?" "Nothing, really." "I was just in the neighborhood." "Just been a lot of years." "I, uh... just wanted to see how the place was doing." "Ah." "What do you mean, ah?" "So how are we doing?" "I don't know." "I was just walking though." "How do I know how you're doing?" "We're doing fine." "[on stereo] * Hallelujah, hallelujah *" "* Hallelujah, hallelujah *" "* For the Lord God-- *" "Hello!" "* ...reigneth *" "* Hallelujah, hallelujah *" "* Hallelujah, hallelujah *" "Hope!" "Hi, sweetie." "[babbling]" "Janey, what is it?" "Honey." "** ["Hallelujah Chorus" continues]" " Honey." " Honey." "Are you okay?" "Michael, I'm sorry." "Okay, okay." "What's this?" "You're supposed to tell us." "This is a fine way to start the day." "What are you doing back here?" "I couldn't stay away." "Oh, yeah, sure." "Okay, let's see here." "Uh, no badness so far." " Any more vomiting?" " Mm-mm." "That's good." "What can I tell you?" "According to this, you're still fit." "And we're going to do more useless and painful tests just to be sure." "I just don't understand what this could be." "Well, Hope, some part of your body is clearly still reacting from the trauma." "Now, it isn't inner ear." "It isn't concussion." "In other words, you have no idea." "Correct." "Can I go home?" "Yeah, sure." "I don't see any point in keeping you around here." "But let's just get through this last group of indignities, okay?" "Yeah." "Thanks." "[knocking]" "So how's Hope?" "Ah, she's resting." "She's waiting for test results, going crazy." "Fine." "What are you doing here?" "Get out of here." "Are any of those for me?" "Uh, huh, let me see." "Uh, this is, uh, for you." " Ooh." " [Nancy] Oh, boy." " Right there." "You sit here." " Come here." "This one is for you, Eth." " [Elliot] Ooh." " [Nancy] Here, sweetie." "Great." " [Elliot] All right." " Hey." "That's good." "All right, this one's for Nancy." "Thanks." "That's great." "Oh, that's-- that's nice." "Oh, gee, Elliot." "Um, hmm." " Hmm." " Ah, that's great." " No, no, no." "That's great." " Wait, wait." "Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah." "Here you go." "It's the bill for the recording session you double-booked" " and we couldn't pay for." " No, it's not." "Oh!" "All right!" "Courtside!" " All right." " Elliot." " Oh, man!" "Oh, thanks." " Thanks, Mike." "This is great." "I know you didn't pick it out, but tell Hope thanks." "Here." "Don't open it in the car." "Thanks." "Thank you." "All right." "Well, ahh." "Yeah, listen." "I better be going, too." "No." "No, hey." "Come on, Ethan." "You know" "Ethan, we-- Ethan, we talked" "Hey, Ethan, come on." "Hey, li" " Pal, we talked about this." "Come on, you're a big guy." "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "Whoa." "You're a big guy." "Now come on." "You understand, right?" "Right?" "Right." "You know I love you, right?" "I love you, too." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, c" " Shh." "Don't cry." "Nancy, I got to go." "I should have been home an hour ago." " I think probably Hope's worried about" " Okay." "You're going to have a great Christmas." "Best one ever." "Oh, that's a big hug." "Oh, I love you." "Hope?" "Hope?" "Hope?" "[weatherman on TV] Look out, Delaware Valley." "Some winter white is heading in our direction." "Yes, a little holiday snow is in the forecast." "You folks up in the Poconos could get as much as 5 inches out of this system." "Here in Center City and throughout Osborn, Bryn Mawr, and the greater northeast, anywhere from-- ** [sitcom bridge]" "Oh, my Lord." "Oh, no!" " Just part of the family." " [laugh track]" "You better hurry, Mr. Kringle, or we'll be late." "Eth, come on." "We're going to be late for the pag" "What are we playing, musical costumes here?" "Mike, come on." "We're going to be late." "Elliot, I have something to tell you, and I think you better sit down." " We'll sit at the pageant." " Elliot" "Michael, I promised the committee that I'd supply the" " Elliot!" " What?" "This is Santa Claus." "The Santa Claus." "Mr. Kringle." "St. Nick." "[laugh track]" "How do you do?" "Mike, could you possibly have your nervous breakdown tomorrow?" "We're very busy tonight." "Elliot, I mean it." "[laugh track] [jingling]" "Ah." "St. Nick, eh?" "All right, Saint, when I was 13, what did I get for Christmas?" "Oh, my, that's very difficult." "It's been so many years." "Mike, hurry up and change." "Elliot, I'm telling you" "Elliot, ohh!" "And I thought you were just being pig-headed." " Huh?" " It's guaranteed spotless, it has its own china cycle, and even matches our Formica!" " Oh!" " Elliot, you bought her a dishwasher?" "Oh, Elliot." "[stammering]" "Yes, yes." "Well, honey, you know," "I've always had your interests at heart." "Oh, I guess you have, sweetie pie." "Lover boy." "Ow, ow, ow, ow." "What is-- [gasp]" "You didn't." "[laugh track]" "You didn't." "Oh, Lord, you didn't." "You did!" "You did!" "Look at the fins!" "Look at the chrome wheels!" "Oh, my.That is the most beautiful Thunderbird" "I've ever seen in my life." "Oh, honey." "Honey, I guess we really do need to believe in each other more." "Oh, I guess we do." " Oh." " [studio audience] Aw!" "By the way, don't hold me to this, but wasn't it the Captain Marvel Secret Decoder set?" "[laugh track]" "Merry Christmas." "Merry Christmas." "[laugh track]" "What about Hope?" "She's out there in the snow somewhere." "If you're really Santa Claus, can you tell me where she is?" "Can you tell me when she's coming back?" "I'm sorry, my friend." "Hope is never coming back." "[Swiss bell ringers on TV]" "Hi." "Here you go, sweetie." "Oh, you're getting so big." "Okay, you get down." "There you go." " There you go, honey." " [Janey chuckles]" "There you go, sweetheart." "Thank you for going to the store with me." " Yes." " Where were you?" "There you go." "Good girl." "Thanks, sweetie." "[Janey murmurs]" "Oh, I know." "I know." "But" " But I was feeling fine, and I realized we hadn't gotten cranberries, so" "Hope, you were not supposed to go out." "Michael, honey" "Look, if there is something wrong with you and you are waiting for test results, then you are not supposed to go out because" " Michael, listen" " No, no, no." "Because" "Because I see you out there and you're dead on the highway, only this time it's true because you're bleeding inside and you're fainting." "And I see Janey, and she's in the car, and I see her lying in a ditch, and I c" "Oh, Michael, Michael, Michael." " Oh-- [laughing]" " What?" " Oh." " What?" "Why are you laughing at me?" "Honey, oh..." "I'm not dying." "I'm pregnant." "Oh, Hope, baby." "[door opens]" "[Melissa] Knock, knock, knock." "It's Hanuklaus!" "Happy Pagan Ritual, everybody!" "What?" "Mikey, you're pregnant." "It's so great." "I know." "You're not happy?" "Of course I am." "Don't I look happy?" "I'm incredibly happy." "It's just" " It's just" "It's just, uh..." "Uhh." "Never mind." "Michael." "Hope has this accident, and it makes me realize how much-- how incredibly much I love her." "I mean, it's, like, scary." "And" " And then" "And then she's not dying." "She's pregnant." "Oh." "Oh." "So we can have this wonderful life." "I can give her everything she wants, like Christmas." "I can make her happy." "So what's the problem?" "The problem..." "The problem is I believe in God." "I didn't think I did, but I think I do." "And I just, uh..." "I" " I mean, what?" "You know, I mean-- [sigh]" "My father, he believed in God." "He didn't have a problem." "But then he didn't marry a non-Jew." "And he got divorced." "Michael, what are you trying to say?" "Are you saying that because you didn't marry into your religion, you can't believe in God?" "No, no, no." "No, but-- but which God?" "Who God?" "Where God?" "I mean" "It's like almost losing Hope." "It makes me want to" "Makes you want to what?" "[water running]" "Hello?" "[Markowitz] Hello." "I'll be right out!" "Who is it?" "It's Michael Steadman." "Who?" "Michael Steadman." "[Man] Wait a minute." "I can't hear with the water running." "How are you doing?" "What's up?" "Nothing." "I, uh, I was looking for Rabbi Markowitz." "You found him." "No, no." "I guess, uh," "I guess I mean the other Rabbi Markowitz." "There's a frightening thought." "Two of me." "Really, what can I do for you?" "Nothing." "Oh, man." "Uh, I'm sorry." "I" " I, you know," "I, uh, I guess I was looking for somebody else." "[thump]" "[praying in Hebrew, muffled]" "[praying in Hebrew] [singing in Hebrew]" "[rabbi] In solemn testimony to that unbroken faith which links the generations one to another, let those who mourn and those who have Yahrzeit please rise to magnify and sanctify the holy name." "[praying in Hebrew]" "Amen." "Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc." "Burbank, CA" "* And dance by the light of the moon *"