"Amazingly I'm pregnant." " Judith's pregnant." " Is it yours?" "Yes!" "She's not slept with anyone else." "Robbie's got this new girlfriend." "Hellooo!" "I'm Cheryl, how do you do?" "She's moving in with him, apparently." "Right." "Can I go and live with my dad?" "I don't think that's a good idea." "Have you not got a date sorted yet?" "It's her sister." "She can't decide if she wants her at t'wedding or not." "Alan Buttershaw!" "He's gone and invited Ted." "His brother." "Mum." "Dad went out." "Can you come and get me?" "I've offered to organise the wedding for them." "And I said you'd help me." "Lawrence!" "Where is Lawrence?" "Don't tell me something you'll regret." "I murdered him" " Eddy." "Caroline?" "Caroline." "Caroline." "Caroline." "I made you some tea." "Caroline." "What time is it?" "Ten to seven." "Caroline..." "Are you all right?" "I told you things." "Are you angry?" "Do you hate me?" "Speak to me." "I need to know... ..if you're going to go to the police." "Why did you tell me?" "I don't know." "You told me what he did to you." "The other "humiliations"." "Nobody should have to live like that." "And you never..." "ever told anyone else?" "Ever?" "Me dad...knows I..." "..smacked him round the head to finish him off." "But he thought he'd been trying to commit suicide." "Because that's what I told him, so..." "He didn't know the things he did to me." "My dad didn't." "I think he... ..knew I wasn't having much fun." "But.... ..I never told anyone that before." "I..." "I couldn't." "If I hadn't done it to him, Caroline... ..he'd have done it to me." "I think perhaps we should never mention it again." "I think perhaps we should pretend you never told me." "Right." "Did you sleep well?" "I didn't." "I couldn't, not with all this buzzing about in my head." "Could you eat a kipper, Alan?" "No!" "I think I'm sufficiently sophonsified." "Thank you." "Had you thought about..." "Well, not a hen-party, Celia " "I know that's not very you - but something the evening before?" "Like?" "Well, you can't spend the evening together, can you, beforehand?" "Can't we?" "Why not?" "We did first time we got wed." "Well, it's not what you do." "Well...me and Alan don't always play by the rules, do we, Alan?" "Not if we can help it." "We like to think laterally." "Outside t'box." "We're forever pushing the envelope." "So you'll be stopping in, then?" "Together?" "Do you fancy a stag night, Alan?" "Like in a lap-dancing club, with strippers and so on?" "Yeah." "Do YOU?" "I could do." "With the girls." "That what you had in mind, Muriel?" "It's not..." "No, I said..." "Do they do lap-dancing with fellas?" "Probably." "Is that the same as polo dancing?" "No, it isn't." "Do you mean pole dancing?" "Ooh!" "How do you know?" "No, that's not what I had in mind." "I don't think you'd..." "'Ey, Google it." "A sleazy night in Amsterdam!" "What more could a woman ask for?" "I did start off the conversation by saying..." "Making assumptions." "I don't mind going to Amsterdam for the art galleries if that's more..." "Oh!" "Bugger the art galleries!" "They'll be full of them daubs by that twerp who chopped his ear off." "This is my hen night we're talking about." "What you thinking, Alan?" "Personally, well, I've been there, fallen over, got t'T-shirt, but if YOU fancy it..." "Amsterdam?" "Have you?" "Yeah." "More than once." "So you'd recommend it?" "Oh!" "I wonder why you told me." "Did you think you'd feel better?" "I don't know." "Do you?" "Do you wish I hadn't told you?" "I suppose you told me because you needed to." "You needed to tell someone." "I'm just wondering why it was me." "Because... ..you were here." "Because I was drunk." "(Do you want me to turn you in?" ")" "Is that why you told me?" "No." "No." "I've buggered everything up, haven't I?" "We could've been friends, and I..." "You had a lot to deal with." "You were trapped in a marriage with a man who..." "We are friends." "You told me because you needed to." "I'm not going to turn you in." "I'm not going to turn you in, all right?" "Are you sure?" "Yeah." "Really?" "(Yeah.)" "Drive carefully!" "Yep, we will!" "Like she cares." "Do you fancy a stag night?" "Text me to let me know you've got back safely!" "Right-o!" "Like hell..." "Well, I wouldn't mind going for a pint up Spring Rock with Harry and 'appen our Raff." "I could do a bit of something." "Me and Caroline and Gillian." "And I could even invite HER - Muriel." "A laugh an hour(!" ")" "Ta-ta!" "Bye!" "Have you been to Amsterdam?" "Were you lying?" "No, have you?" "Are you sure you're fit to drive?" "Not entirely." "What about you?" "God knows." "Better get my telephone." "I'm sorry." "It was difficult, I..." "Piss off." "Thanks for ringing." "Where did you find him?" "I didn't." "He rang me." "He was upset." "I asked him to ring you, to leave a message at least, to say he was spending the night at my house, but he wouldn't." "And he wouldn't give me your number, and I couldn't get hold of Caroline." "Neither could he." "That's why..." "Anyway..." "I had to go out." "Sure." "It was difficult." "So, Caroline... ..doesn't know...anything?" "Well, I think she will when she finally picks up her messages." "He left several, I left one." "PHONE RINGS" "Hello?" "'Where's Lawrence?" "!" "' He's fine, he's fine." "He's absolutely fine, he's here." "He's playing on the Xbox." "'Well, what happened?" "'" "Nothing happened, it was just a silly misunderstanding." "A storm in a teacup, that's all." "No problem, any time." "You're an idiot." "I have one single evening to myself and I can't even trust you for that!" "He's absolutely fine. 'God Almighty!" "'" "Why weren't you answering YOUR phone?" "Because I lost it!" "Don't blame me!" "'I want to speak to him.' He's playing on the Xbox." "Well, where did he sleep?" "What happened?" "At Kate's, he slept at Kate's house." "Kate's?" "!" "He...apparently...rang William cos he couldn't get hold of anyone, and William suggested ringing her." "He had her number on his phone." "Er, William did." "She's just dropped him off, just now." "Right." "Well, I'll be back in an hour." "Less." "Is Kate still there?" "No." "Drive carefully." "Jerk." "Are you all right?" "Yup." "I'm going to go." "OK." "Look after yourself." "And you." "Sorry, but... ..can I just say..." "..I think you're right about you and Robbie." "I know." "I really like him." "No, I meant..." "You said it could never be a good idea, you and him." "Don't you remember?" "Last night?" "It was how the conversation - how it all started, why you told me." "Right, OK, yeah." "Move on." "You're a nice person, you're a good mother, you work hard." "Something appalling happened, you dealt with it, but move on." "Yeah." "Promise me?" "If I'm keeping this secret, promise me, because that would be one hell of a can of worms, you and him." "Surely you can see that." "Yeah, course." "Sorry, you're right." "I thought I'd make some lunch for him." "And you if you want some." "Are you all right?" "He all right?" "He's absolutely fine." "It's just soup and bread and cheese." "Shouldn't you be looking after Judith?" "She won't get rid of it." "And I don't want to encourage her by pretending that I think it's a good idea." "I mean, what kind of life would it have?" "You'll be divorced soon, you could marry her." "Mm, well, that won't be happening." "It's sad... to think of all the things we got wrong." "We often used to get a lot right as well." "I came to say thank you." "You didn't have to do that." "I left my phone in a hotel." "Gillian and I, we're organising the wedding, my mum's wedding, so that's why I didn't answer it." "Is Lawrence all right?" "Yeah, he's fine." "I've left him so I'd...better get back." "OK." "Can I come in?" "I CAN say it on the doorstep." "All right..." "No, come in." "Have you... ..got a birthing partner?" "My mum said she would." "If I needed someone." "What about Greg, what about him?" "No." "He really never was part of the equation beyond..." "Anyone else?" "No." "Sorry." "SHE SIGHS" "I just had a really weird night with Gillian." "She told me..." "She told me what her husband used to do to her." "He committed suicide, but before that." "She never told anyone before, she's never been able to talk about it before, but... she told me things." "He raped her, he did things." "Things you couldn't..." "Humiliating things." "Jesus." "And this is a big bloke." "Not that it'd take a big bloke, she's tiny, Gillian." "He pinned her down, and she couldn't do anything so she just took it, because she had to." "Why?" "I mean, why did he...?" "It's control." "It's power." "Why do they ever?" "He was a bully, he was a prick." "He was just an inadequate prick." "I think she told me because we drank too much and we were telling each other things, and the point is, apart from the fact that it was a really weird evening, the point is I realised that..." "..amidst all the disappointment and complexity and mundanity and madness of the day-to-day, we had something really nice that happened between us." "I know you've made up your mind about me and I know I leave a lot to be desired sometimes but I decided it was worth..." "..one more time asking... ..saying I'm sorry for all the things I got wrong and I will try, I would try harder." "No." "Thank you." "SHEEP BLEAT" "So, the plan is I drive our car to Hebden." "No, we both drive our cars to Hebden." "We leave mine - ours - there." "Or his, one or t'other, and drive back to Souby Bridge Wharf in the other one, whichever." "Then set off in t'narrow boat up through Luddenden and Mytholmroyd to Hebden, spend the night in Hebden, go for a nice meal..." "Piss-up." "Meal." "Meal." "We'd have all our stuff on board ready, morning suits, top hats, the ring, then drive straight to t'hotel from Hebden in our car." "Or whichever car we've left in Hebden, and be at the hotel bang on 10:00am." "So, that works." "You're not seriously going to spend a night in that...crate?" "Hey, Celia." "You won't recognise it in a few short weeks." "We're talking total refurbishment." "Inside and out." "My imagination's not quite as fertile as yours." "Well, you'll have a nice evening with your Caroline and our Gillian and your Muriel, won't you?" "Yeah!" "We're going paintballing." "Seriously?" "Are you?" "Can we come?" "My only regret marrying Alan now is that we didn't get that bungalow up Ripponden Bank." "There'll be others." "Do you think John would give me away?" "John?" "Well, who else can I ask?" "Do you need giving away?" "Well, it's traditional." "Mum, you don't like John." "You've never liked him." "I'm surprised you're even thinking about inviting him." "You'll be inviting Judith next." "I bloody won't." "Well, Harry's doing a speech about Alan, and traditionally, before that, the father of the bride does one about the bride, and, you see, for all his being a waste of space," "I thought that might be something John'd be quite good at, making a speech." "Wouldn't you be worried he might say things you'd rather people didn't hear?" "Like what?" "Well, there was that time you slapped him across the face over at the farm." "Oh, yeah." "I shan't tell them about that time you fell down that man-hole in the snow when you'd been on the razzle." "It should've been better lit." "Then that time you nearly choked to death laughing when he snapped all the tendons in his ankle falling off that jetty in Porta Pollenca." "That was comical." "Or that time you drove t'wrong way round Bull Green roundabout in Halifax when you came back from t'Continent." "That were quite exciting!" "And then that Christmas when you let all his tyres down, when you both got drunk together on barley wine and he called you a rancid old bag." "Oh, I don't think he ever knew that was me." "CAROLINE LAUGHS" "Oh!" "He did." "Or that time you got caught shagging that sheep." "Hey." "It's not funny." "Our Gillian once caught a lad..." "I know, she told me." "Funny thing was he kept coming back to see the same sheep." "Well, there was that fella in India married his dog." "Which, to be fair, I can see the advantages." "Eh?" "You wouldn't have a dog going, "Where you going?"," ""You're not going dressed like that,"" ""Don't you dare bring any of your mates home again," ""not in that state."" "Oh, bugger off, go live somewhere else if you don't like it." "You must miss her though, Edith." "Are you sure you want to get wed again?" "No, I'm just thinking." "It's probably part of my duties as your best man to make you stop and think is this what you want?" "What you really, really want?" "You're going to get sacked if you carry on like that." "I'd have made a good Spice Girl, me." "Manly Spice." "Old Spice." "You're just jealous." "Yeah, you keep telling yourself that." "Hey, what about your speech?" "DOOR CLOSES" "Dad?" "Hello, love." "Have you remembered what day it is tomorrow?" "Is it Sunday?" "Yeah, it's..." "Mum's birthday." "Aye!" "So it is." "Yes." "Yes." "Yes, I did know that." "I thought we might take Calamity up to see her." "Yes." "Yes, we should, she'd like that." "Shame that bungalow fell through." "What bungalow?" "That one up Ripponden Bank." "That one you and Celia put the offer in on." "I thought you weren't right keen." "Me?" ""Chucking money away on dozy big bungalows."" "I was lashing out." "I didn't mean it." "Not if it was what you wanted." "I'm not entirely sure it was." "What do you mean?" "It was my fault we didn't get it." "Sorry?" "She doesn't know." "What do you mean?" "Well, when Darren and Kimberley said they couldn't raise a mortgage," "I didn't have the heart to serve 'em notice to quit." "It looked like adding insult to injury, so" "I never actually put the house on the open market." "No, I kept meaning to, but then them other folk came in with that other offer on the bungalow, and then it was too late." "We'll find somewhere, eventually." "Well, you won't." "Not till you actually do put yours on the open market." "Darren and Kimberley'll find somewhere else!" "You'd give 'em fair warning." "Yeah, I know, but it's just..." "If I'd got me finger out and faced it, we could've been sitting there now." "She fair had her heart set on it." "Trouble is, Dad, you're just too nice a fella." "What about you and Robbie, then?" "Not worth talking about." "I'm going to go and look at Uncle Norman." "All right." "Now then, old lass, I've got summat to tell you." "I'm getting wed again." "I hope that's all right." "I hope you don't mind." "I think..." "Well, we always said life was for living, didn't we?" "And when you're gone..." "I just..." "I hope..." "I know you were very young when you didn't pass that letter on to me, Celia's letter." "And I'm flattered!" "I'm flattered that you thought so much of me." "And I don't regret anything." "What'd be the point?" "I don't, anyway." "I just..." "I hope you would be pleased for me." "I think..." "I need to know I have your blessing." "Is he tidy?" "Yeah." "19." "Mad." "Aye." "She was ten, me mother, when he died." "Course, she couldn't get to go and see him." "They'd managed to get him home to a military hospital in Leicester, that's where he died." "Me granny went down, his mum, my mother's mum." "Sat by his bedside two days." "He'd had his spine shot out." "Couldn't feel anything apparently." "So..." "Anyway, I promised me mum I'd keep him tidy." "I'll see you by the car." "Caroline!" "Sorry." "Kate's driven herself into hospital." "She's bleeding." "I didn't know if you'd want me to tell you or not..." "Which hospital?" "You've got meetings, and most of them we won't be able to reschedule now till after Christmas!" "GENERAL CHATTER" "It might be fine." "It doesn't always mean what you think it means." "No, I think..." "I think if you're bleeding that's usually it." "Yes, but not always, and you're 20..." "How many weeks?" "It'd be very unusual." "I've kept thinking... for a few days that there wasn't as much movement." "Have you rung your mum?" "I don't want to upset her." "Till we know something definite." "Kate McKenzie?" "Would you like to come through?" "Do you want me to... come in with you?" "Will you?" "There wasn't a lot of blood." "It was just..." "Sh." "It's fine." "It's absolutely fine." "That's the head there." "Can you see?" "There's..." "That's the heart, beating." "I'll just take a few measurements while we're here, but it all looks absolutely lovely in there." "It's just one of those things, it happens." "You did right to come in, but, yeah, you're both fine." "Thank you." "Can you see what sex it is?" "Well..." "I can give you a clue." "It doesn't appear to have any testicles." "Oh, you mean...?" "SHE MOUTHS" "Sorry." "Oh, that's..." "No!" "When did this happen?" "Day before yesterday." "Well, no, it must've happened last week, but he Skyped just t'day before yesterday." "And it's all swollen, you see." "All up here." "Black and blue and his knee's in plaster, so there'd be a risk of deep vein thrombosis apparently, so the doctors have just said "no"." "And he's a big fella, isn't he, Alan?" "Yeah." "And he's nearly 80, so you can't take a risk at that age." "Travel insurance people've been very good though." "He'll get his money back." "And he can travel over here in three or four months' time." "How did he break it?" "How disappointing for you." "He fell over." "On his drive, in Auckland, just getting his car out." "What about the rest of the family?" "Oh, they've all fallen by the wayside, one way and another." "It's getting enough time off work to make it worth their while." "You see, realistically, there's no point in coming for less than three weeks." "Spending all that money and travelling all that way, and..." "So, are any of them...?" "No, no." "Doesn't look like it." "Can Angus come?" "What about Kate?" "What about Kate?" "Well, she did offer to play The Arrival Of The Queen Of Sheba for me to walk in to, and they've got a lovely piano, and I don't know anyone else." "Oh, I see." "Can you ask her?" "Well..." "Can you?" "I can give you her number." "DOOR CLOSES" "Ooh!" "That'll be him!" "SHE GASPS" "I've brought you my washing." "Roxy?" "She's reading politics, philosophy and economics." "She's from Liverpool." "She's at Balliol." "Does she know you're a poof?" "Oh, yes." "I've been meaning to break this to you gently for some time, and I know you'll be disappointed, but I'm not gay." "Are we going to meet her?" "I was hoping I could ask her to the wedding." "Smashing!" "Course you can!" "Does she look like the back end of a bus?" "Is she blind?" "You're so predictable." "Aren't you?" "OVEN BEEPS" "Mum, could you get the plates for me?" "Yeah." "Did our Raff ring you up?" "Well up for it." "What?" "You sure you want him in on it as well?" "Yes, of course!" "And Angus if he's coming." "Why's Angus coming?" "He's my plus-one." "What y'on about?" "Right, you've to keep your mouth shut." "(Can you sing?" ")" "Not with my mouth shut." "DOORBELL RINGS See, who's that?" "That'll be your dad, he'll want to have a look at you." "MOBILE PHONE RINGS" "Hello?" "Ted!" "It's Ted." "He's just ringing up to say good luck on the big day." "Aww!" "How is he?" "How's his leg?" "Is it Dad?" "The weather?" "Well, it's dark here, it's about 7:10, but it's been quite mild though." "How is it where you are?" "Much the same." "Dark, bloody cold." "I keep hoping it might snow." "Snow!" "Do you get snow there?" "Not like it does here." "In Yorkshire." "Celia says, "How's your leg?"" "Oh, my God." "Ted?" "!" "Oh!" "My good God!" "Let's have a look at you!" "You've shrunk, you wizened ole bugger!" "But I thought..." "I lied!" "He lied!" "What a liar!" "He had his leg in plaster!" "We saw it on the..." "It was pretend!" "Cement!" "Paint." "Did you know?" "Cement?" "!" "No!" "Did we 'ell, he just turned up on t'doorstep like an hour ago." "Celia Armitage!" "Ted Buttershaw." "Oh, give over!" "Always a handful." "So when...what...when did you land?" "I don't know." "Couple of hours ago?" "And is all the family with you?" "No, sod 'em." "Just me." "Who cares?" "I think you and our Gillian should get back together." "So do I." "Is this why you've invited me?" "Is it 'ell." "No!" "Have you ever seen a banana jump?" "No." "Me neither." "I think they must do it at night." "THEY CHUCKLE" "I'm wi' Cheryl now anyway, so." "Oh, Robbie." "She's very nice, is Cheryl, obviously, but..." "She's a lightweight, compared to our Gillian." "You do deserve better." "And who better than my mum?" "She's got personality, Gillian." "And balls." "I like a woman with balls." "Listen, I don't want to upset or offend by reminding you about the ins and outs of why me and Gillian fell out..." "Why did you fall out?" "We do know she's a handful." "More than a handful, let's be honest." "She's..." "She's trouble." "No two ways." "She always was." "Is she?" "But..." "She's worth it." "..it's part of her charm." "And it's only a fella like you, a fella with your sort of calibre, could rise to that sort of a challenge." "I suspect." "But heck!" "What do I know?" "Who told you this?" "I..." "We..." "It's..." "I shouldn't..." "I only told you because I thought you'd see the funny side." "I didn't..." "think you'd tell your mum." "What do you mean "the funny side"?" "Mum, let's not spoil..." "I didn't..." "I didn't mean..." "I don't understand what's being said." "I thought it'd be better if I told her than if she found out later from anyone else." "That's all, sorry." "Sorry, I am sorry." "He's too soft." "He's too kind-hearted." "That's the top and bottom of it." "Exactly." "I've been telling him this all his life, Celia." "It's a generous fault." "Well, all my life." "Obviously." "Not that...not that...not that..." "So...?" "So." "So..." "So..." "They've put an offer in on a bungalow." "Dependent on my dad selling our old house up Barkisland." "But he, being Dad, was too soft to turf the tenants out." "And in the meantime someone else put a better offer in on the bungalow, and of course they went with it." "The vendors." "Oh, dear!" "Oh, good Lord!" "Celia, I'd have thought you had him better trained than that by now!" "Clearly not." "Not yet." "THEY HOWL WITH LAUGHTER" "I'm not laughing at her, I'm..." "No." "No." "But you're right, she is...very entertaining." "By the way... ..I've been meaning to say..." "What?" "Are we still cool?" "Vincent." "Yep." "I know you never forgave me over Frank." "Oh, bugger Frank." "Does that mean you have?" "Did you ever know how miserable I was with Kenneth?" "No." "For years." "No." "I married him on the rebound, I know that now, looking back, but... ..he was shallow, a lightweight." "He mucked around." "The night I gave birth to Caroline, the night I nearly died when I needed that blood transfusion, he was off having sex with someone else." "I know because 15 years later he told me." "SHE SIGHS" "It doesn't matter now." "Well, except it does." "You'd never have had Caroline." "No." "No, I'd never have had Caroline." "But I might have been happy." "Happier." "It happened." "We can't change it." "No." "No, we can't." "And now..." "I've met Alan again." "Everyone liked Alan." "Alan was always special." "I'm glad you're so happy, Celia." "I really am." "Celia, it's John." "I just..." "I wanted to say good luck for today and...and...and sorry not to be there." "Well, all the best, then!" "Bye-bye." "Bye-bye." "PIANO PLAYS" "MOBILE PHONE RINGS" "Hi." "We're ready." "'Thanks.'" "They're ready." "Am I all right?" "Oh, Mum." "You look beautiful." "Oh, I've asked Kate if she'd like to stay on for the do after." "I hope you don't mind." "It felt a bit rude, asking her to play the piano and then not asking her to stop." "HUSHED CHATTER" "PIANO PLAYS" "Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive." "Sorry?" "I've heard all about you not putting your little house up for sale up in Barkisland." "I just laughed." "You look stunning." "Oh, so do you." "We're ready when you are, kid." "I, Celia Dawson, take you, Alan Buttershaw, to be my husband... ..to have and to hold from this day forward... ..for better for worse, for richer for poorer... ..in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish..." "..till death do us part." "I give you this ring as a sign of our marriage." "With my body, I honour you, all that I am, I give to you, and all that I have, I share with you." "I give you this ring as a sign of our marriage." "With my body, I honour you... ..all that I am, I give to you..." "..and all that I have, I share with you." "APPLAUSE" "PIANO PLAYS" "TAPPING ON GLASS" "Ladies and gentlemen!" "Can we have a bit of hush?" "Ladies and gentlemen!" "Ooh!" "That works." "Right." "Pipe down." "Raff, that includes you, love." "Right, traditionally..." "who's still talking?" "Ted Buttershaw, surprise, surprise." "Right, traditionally, we start with a speech from the father of the bride, only today we've got the daughter of the bride." "Caroline!" "APPLAUSE" "Oh, shit, what she's going to say about me?" "Wow, OK, here goes." "Well...when my mum told me she was getting married again," "I said, "Yes, Mother, shall we discuss it in the car?"" "And she said, "We are serious, you know," and I said," "MOUTHS:" "Whatever." "LAUGHTER" "But she was serious!" "And they did it, and here we are." "My mum... ..is unique." "She's clever, she's funny, she's supportive, she's very loving and she's very kind." "She also likes to say it like it is now and again, but I think Alan's ready for that." "And I think Alan deserves someone as wonderful as my mum because he is, without doubt, one of the loveliest, kindest men I've ever met." "This was made in heaven, I really believe that, and I think we're all very privileged to have been part of it." "I hope that my mum and my new dad... will have years and years and years ahead of them together, inspiring us all with their extraordinary love for each other and their extraordinary passion and zest for life." "Thank you." "APPLAUSE" "I've always known Alan, I can't remember not knowing Alan." "One of my earliest memories of Alan was down Elland Wood." "We were about four years old and we'd just found a pond full of frogspawn, and he wanted to take it home, like you do, only we'd nowt to carry it in." "So he said, "Harry, you take your wellies off, they'll do,"" "and course, like a dozy bugger, I did." "He had his wellies on as well, I hasten to add, but for some reason in his head mine were the only ones with" ""frogspawn container" written on 'em." "Then at home, me mother'd be saying, "How come Alan's always so tidy," ""and you're always such a mucky mess?" All right?" "I was being shamelessly taken advantage of..." "Are you?" "Yeah." "..by someone much cleverer than me." "Alan was always very dapper." "How's Cheryl?" "She's fine, yeah." "Good." "..he got that cushy job at Jessop's Chemicals up Huddersfield..." "It's a nice do." "Yeah." "Thanks for asking." "Me dad." "It were me dad, not me." "Mm, OK." "OK." "He invited me on his stag do last night, did he tell you?" "No." "Did you not know?" "No." "OK." "He does what he likes." "Yeah." "He were saying..." "Eh?" "He were saying he thought..." "What?" "What?" "..that you and me ought to get back together." "What?" "Doesn't matter." "No, seriously, though," "Alan is a lovely man." "And Celia's an equally lovely lady." "And now, finally, I want to hand you over to the man himself." "Ladies and gentlemen, the groom, the one and only Mr Alan Buttershaw." "APPLAUSE" "Where's he going?" "MUSIC: "If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body" by the Bellamy Brothers" "♪ If I said you had a beautiful body" "♪ Would you hold it against me?" "♪ If I swore you were an angel" "♪ Would you treat me like the devil tonight...?" "♪" "Did you know about this?" "♪ If I were dying of thirst" "♪ Would your flowing love come quench me?" "♪ If I said you had a beautiful body" "♪ Would you hold it against me?" "♪ Now we can talk all night about the weather" "♪ Tell you 'bout my friends out on the coast... ♪" "Bridlington!" "Bridlington." "♪ I could ask a lot of crazy questions" "♪ Or ask you what I really want to know" "♪ If I said you had a beautiful body" "♪ Would you hold it against me?" "♪" "APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "I told you it'd be embarrassing." "Yup, well, maybe next time I'll listen." "Dad!" "You great big daft..." "Well, I'm no good at speech-making." "Hey, well done." "Dad!" "That was..." "absolutely ridiculous." "Oh, but you liked it?" "It was...it was...it was..." "I love you." "I love you." "What were you saying to Robbie last night?" "Who?" "Me?" "Nowt." "Why?" "Oh!" "Well, yeah, except, yeah..." "But you do know we'd had a few." "Ooh, I'm a bit squiffy," "I'm going to fall over if I'm not careful." "♪ You make me feel so young" "♪ You make me feel so spring has sprung" "♪ And every time I see you grin" "♪ I'm such a happy individual" "♪ The moment that you speak" "♪ I wanna go play hide and seek" "♪ I wanna go and bounce the moon" "♪ Just like a toy balloon" "♪ You and I... ♪" "I'm going." "Right." "Could you say thanks to Celia for me?" "Well, thank you for playing the piano." "Oh!" "Pleasure." "Nice piano." "Right, well, have a nice Christmas." "Yeah, how likely is that?" "Sorry." "I'm sorry." "You..." "You have a nice Christmas too." "♪ I'm gonna feel the way I do today" "♪ Cos you make me feel so young" "♪ You make me feel so young... ♪" "♪ I don't know what it is that makes me love you so" "♪ I only know I never want to let you go" "♪ Cos you've started something" "♪ Oh, can't you see?" "♪ That ever since we met you've had a hold on me... ♪" "I think she bores him shitless if he just bothered being honest with himself." "Hm?" "She's really lovely." "Kate." "She's gone." "She went." "Why?" "Over an hour ago." "Why not?" "Are you all right?" "♪ You stopped and smiled at me" "♪ And asked if I'd care to dance... ♪" "I've kept meaning to say, given that Mum and Alan have decided to stay in Harrogate this Christmas, you'd be very welcome, you and Raff and Ellie and the baby." "I mean, more than welcome, I mean..." "I'd like it if you did." "Really?" "That'd be great." "If I can get somebody to feed the sheep." "♪ No matter what you do" "♪ I only want to be with you... ♪" "What you thinking?" "Nothing." "Aren't they lovely?" "DUSTY SPRINGFIELD SONG ENDS" "MUSIC: "I'm Not In Love" by 10CC" "Oh, I love this tune." "So do I." "I've had a lovely day." "Good." "So have I." "I think everyone has." "♪ Don't get me wrong" "♪ Don't think you've got it made... ♪" "Sod it." "I'm going to make him dance with me." "Who?" "Not Robbie." "Come on, it's a wedding." "♪ I like to see you" "♪ But then again" "♪ That doesn't mean you mean that much to me" "♪ So if I call you... ♪" "Excuse me." "Oh, yeah." "♪ Don't tell your friends about the two of us" "♪ I'm not in love, so don't forget it... ♪" "Why are you here?" "Sorry?" "Why are you here?" "Because...we were invited." "Yeah, but... ..why would you want to be here?" "I suppose that's the bigger question." "Your dad were right." "When?" "Last night." "Some of the stuff he were saying last night." "What stuff?" "About you being a challenge." "A challenge?" "Yeah." "You are, though, aren't you?" "You're a challenge." "As in your behaviour is challenging from time to time." "What, so you'd like me to be Mrs Bland?" "I'm not saying that." "Mrs Ooh-what-am-I-like?" "!" "You are talking shit now, Gillian." "♪ You give your love" "♪ So sweetly" "♪ Tonight" "♪ The light of love" "♪ Is in your eyes... ♪" "I got in, I shut the door." "And then I turned round and came straight back." "Do you want to dance?" "♪ Is this a lasting treasure" "♪ Or just a moment's pleasure... ♪" "Is this like..." "What?" "..forever?" "Well, to quote Prince, forever's a mighty long time." "You know, in theory." "♪ Will you still love me tomorrow?" "♪ Tonight with words unspoken" "♪ You say that I'm the only one" "♪ But will the spell be broken?" "♪ When the night" "♪ Meets the morning sun?" "♪ I'd like to know" "♪ If your love" "♪ Is a love I can" "♪ Be sure of... ♪" "What?" "Oh, I thought she'd gone." "♪ And I won't ask again" "♪ Will you still love me" "♪ Tomorrow?" "♪"