"So we're going to ask you a series of questions." "Some will be basic, biographical questions." "Others will be very personal about your sexual history." "So that being said, let's start with telling us when you lost your virginity." "December 5, 1994." "It was my senior year of high school and I lost it to Danny Rizzo." "My parents had gone away for the weekend." "We each did about eight shots of vodka, and then we did it." "Then we threw up about ten minutes after that, so" "First time I had sex, I was actually pretty young- 15." "She was a freshman in college." "And it just kinda happened." "I was hanging out with my friends in the parking lot in front of the AP, just drinkin' some beers." "She pulled into the parking lot in her dad's new Cadillac." "We got to talkin', and next thing I know we're in the backseat kinda goin' at it, so" "It was pretty cool 'cause I had never been in a Cadillac before." "I was a late bloomer." "It was my junior year at college." "I lost it to the woman I eventually married, Maria." "I really only had sex with one woman up until that point and that's probably why I got divorced." "I was only 16 and he was much older." "He worked with my mother." "My parents got divorced when I was nine." "He used to come over to the house for dinners and parties and things." "Then he started coming over when he knew my mom wouldn't be home." "And then just one thing kinda led to another." "And before I even knew what was happening..." "I was having my first affair with a married man." "When I first had sex?" "My dad drove me down from our apartment in the Bronx, where we lived." "He took me to the Upper East Side to some high-class whorehouse." "And she said her name was Cherry Pie." "I always liked that name- Cherry Pie." "Let's just say I have a very clear image of her in my mental file." "He was the sweetest guy." "We went to high school together." "We wanted to wait till we got married" " That Catholic thing." "But I wanted to do it before my 18th birthday." "So we went to this bed-and-breakfast in Saratoga and we just made love for three straight days." "Then we went off to college and promised to be faithful." "And then what happened?" "Well, I was faithful for the first semester and he came back after Christmas break and told me he was gay." "So I guess he was a little sweeter than I would've liked." "Okay, wait a second, Sue." "I mean, this is unbel" "You know, I mean, come on!" "Where did this come from?" "How long have you been thinking about this?" "You just drop this on me all of a sudden today?" " I don't even know" " Stop." "You're stuttering." "Okay?" "It's over." "It's simple." "Pack your shit, get out by the weekend." "Seriously, this is like a shock to me." "I don't know what else you want me to say." "It's simple." "It's not brain surgery." "It's over." " Have your shit out by the weekend." " You gotta be kidding me." " I'm not kidding you." " When did this come about?" "Oh, my God." "Give me a break." "You know this was inevitable." "If I thought that, I wouldn't have given up my apartment months ago." "Don't you pin that on me." "I didn't ask you to give up your apartment." "You did ask me to move in with you." "That I didn't fuckin' imagine." " What do you want me to say to you?" " How 'bout a fuckin' explanation?" " Is that so much?" " Why do you need an explanation?" "Why can't you just see the writing on the wall?" "Why can't I see the writing?" "The only thing I see is this ugly painting that cost me a few grand." "You want the painting?" "'Cause you can have the painting." "I don't want the painting." "I got you the painting." " I don't want it." " Then what do you want from me?" "You know what I want?" "I just want you to talk to me." "Just tell me why you're doin' this." "Where you goin'?" "Tell me why you're doing this." "This is comin' out of left field here." "Do you want kids?" "Yeah." "You know I want kids." "We've already discussed this." "When?" "As soon as you're ready." "Guess what." "Not ready." "You ever notice how whenever you bring up kids, I change the subject?" "I don't want them ever!" "That was kinda harsh, you know, because we were talkin' everything" " Kids, marriage, the whole nine." "Then she drops that on me out of the blue, so" "That was kinda tough, you know?" "I told you moving in with her was a big mistake, didn't I?" "I know." "Tommy, you are not the settling down type of guy." "You're the type that has to be out there every day makin' it happen." "Forget about that wife-and-kids crap." "What is that anyway?" "You take it from somebody who's been there." "A wife and children will drive you to an early grave." "Take a look at me, for example." "Take a look at me, baby!" " I know." "You're animal." " I'm an animal!" "I am twice as vital as any married man half my age." " Ain't that right, sweetheart?" " So you keep telling me." "Tell the kid how many women I've porked." "Enough to definitely make every woman sick to her stomach." " Five hundred, Tommy." " Come on." "I had sex with 500 different women." "I left them all baying at the moon." "You stick with me, kid, you could wind up with twice that many." " So what was the fight about?" " I don't know." "I came home yesterday, everything seems fine, she's having a sandwich." "Next thing, she's screaming at me, kicks me out of the apartment." " She kicked you out?" " It was her place." "Tommy, she kicked you out?" "That's unbelievable." "In my day, I would have thrown her big ass right out the door." "So what do you need?" "A place to stay for a couple of weeks?" "I can't ask you that." "I'll get a sublet until I find an apartment." "Why don't you go live in a box in an alley too?" "Listen, as long as I'm breathing, you've got a place to stay." "You stay with me a couple of weeks, I'll get your head straightened out." "We'll put that romantic idealism crap to bed once and for all." "But for now, Tommy, I want you to do yourself a favor." "I want you to go out and try to get laid." "Nothing heals a broken heart like a brand-new piece of booty." "Don't listen to him, please." " The eyes." " Yeah, I see the eyes!" "My name's Tommy Reilly." "I'm 32." "From Queens originally." "Are you afraid of getting hurt in a relationship?" "No, you know, I think better to just go for it, right?" "What, you're gonna live your life in fear of gettin' a broken heart?" "It's the price you gotta pay to potentially be happy." "You said it's over here?" "Are you gonna rent that?" "Yeah." "Definitely?" "Yeah, definitely." "Why?" "Just wondering maybe you still hadn't made up your mind between the two." " Just holding it in your hands." " No, definitely." "I'm definitely gonna rent this one." "You want this one?" "I came for that one." "It's a great movie." "That's what I heard." "I'll just keep looking." "Sorry." "Oh, hey." "How're you doin'?" "Good." "I was just wondering- have you seen this?" "It's really good." "I mean, it's very different." "I'd love to help you out here, but I gotta watch this for work." "Oh, really." "You sure?" "They've got a great selection of other" "Yeah, I know, but I gotta see this one." "Okay." "There's nothing I can do to change your mind, then?" "Okay." "Well, I tried." "Yeah, yeah." "Enjoy your movie." "It's a great movie." " All right." " Good night." "Excuse me." " How you doin'?" " Hi." "I was thinkin', if you want the video that badly why don't you give me your phone number?" "When I finish watching it tonight..." "I could give you a call and then maybe bring it over." "No, I don't want to see it that badly, thank you." "Okay, it seemed like back there there was some sort of emergency like you needed to see it tonight or somethin'." "Now you got me feeling like I'm some kind of shit heel." "Like I should've given you the video back there like it would've been the gentlemanly thing to do." "Well, it would've been, but you missed your opportunity." "Then why don't you let me make it up to you?" "Why don't we go in here and get a cup of coffee?" "We could talk and" "Am I coming on too strong?" "I just was thinking, we could get some coffee" "Okay, how about this?" "In exchange for the video now, I'll give you my phone number." "If you call me later this week, we'll do coffee then." "But how do I know that you'll give me the right number?" "We are making a deal here." "You're either in or you're out." "I'm in." "Return it on time, so I don't have to pay the hefty late fee." "You don't know his name, what he does for a living." "You don't know where he lives." "But you gave him your phone number." "Look, he seems like a nice enough guy." "We just kinda skipped the personal stuff." "You are supposed to start with the personal stuff." "Where do you live?" "What do you do for a living?" "Like a basic background check." "What if this guy calls you?" "You don't know him." "He could be a sexual deviant." "I don't know" " Something." "He was renting Breakfast at Tiffany's." "Hardly the kind of movie the neighborhood perv would get off on." "Breakfast at Tiffany's." "Okay, well, he's gay." "Did I tell you the ratio between single, straight, employed men and single, straight women in this town?" " Yes, many times." " I did, right?" "Okay." "So don't get your panties in a bunch over this guy." "I bet he'd rather redecorate your apartment than, you know" "Than what?" "Than take care of his manly obligations, that's what." "My name is Maria Tedesco, and my age is none of your business." "I don't even think I should be doing this." "All right." "I'm originally from Staten Island." "Now I live in Manhattan, which I hate." "I'm a teacher." "I'm here, PS-3." "Sixth-graders make more in weekly allowance than I do in a month." "But I love the sons of bitches, so it makes it all worth it." "Maria, it's me, Benjamin." "Can I talk to you?" "I'm listening." "I was in the neighborhood, thought I'd come by, say hello." "This is a really bad habit you're developing, Benjamin." "Yeah, but I've really been waiting to see you for a while." "I thought maybe this time you'd let me in." "I miss you very much." "Let me in." "We'll talk." "I promise I won't try anything." "I promise, okay?" "Please?" "I'm Benjamin Basner." "I'm 24 years old, and I'm from Brooklyn." "My sex life?" " At this point, it's nonexistent." " Hey, you suck!" "At this point, it's just totally" "Should we start again?" "Why do you use the excuse that you were just in the neighborhood?" " I was!" " You live three blocks away." " You're always in the neighborhood." " But I wrote you a song." "I thought that maybe you want to hear it." "No, see, 'cause I've heard enough of your songs already." "Don't say that." "I just miss you very much." " Is that so bad?" " No, it's not bad." "But it's been over a year." "You need to get over it." "You don't understand." "I can't get over it." "I can't live without you, really." "I can't." "I want you to look at me." "Take a good look, okay?" "I have gained 15 pounds since the divorce." " Fifteen." "Okay?" " Yes." "We should consider getting back together, for my health." "Why the sudden change of heart after a year, huh?" "I'm finally okay, now you want to play with my emotions again?" "I'm not playing with anything." "I just recently realized we had a beautiful marriage..." " And I was eating well." " What?" "I didn't have the foresight to see how great it was." "What?" "We fought all the time." "We made each other miserable." "We stopped having sex." "You started cheating on me!" " What was so beautiful about that?" " So we had some ups and downs." " We also had some very good times." " Name one." " You want me to name one?" " Yes." "July 4th weekend in '97." "That was nice, but they were few and far between." "What about that time during my junior year of college when we went skiing?" "You mean the time when you twisted your ankle in the parking lot before we got to the mountain, and had to spend the week in bed?" "But we had a damn good time in that bed." "My jaw is still a little sore, if you know what I mean." "That was a really long time ago." "Wouldn't it be nice to spend some time together again?" "Let's get in the bed, and we'll talk." "We'll talk?" "I'm sure if you let me have a word with your friend down there..." "I could convince her that we should work things out." "I almost had you there, didn't I?" "Come on." "Look, Benjamin you wanted a divorce, and you got it." "You gotta let me get on with my life." "It's only fair." " I fucked it up, didn't I?" " Big time." "All right." "I'm sorry." " Good night." " Good night." " Did you ever cheat on Maria?" " Yeah, I cheated on Maria." "But it wasn't really my fault." "She was the first and only woman that I had ever had sex with." "Besides, we were way too young- ...way too young to get married." "Especially me." "I could never see myself never having sex with another woman." "It's crazy." "Not that I didn't love Maria." "I still love Maria." "But I walked down the street wanting to have sex with every woman I saw." "Eventually I tried to." "Why would you even go see her again?" " I miss her very much." " You don't." "You're just horny." "When was the last time you got laid?" "I don't know." "Like a month or so." "A month or so?" "Yeah, it was like October or November." "You know what?" "It's March." "That's four months." "You got a semen buildup." "It's clouding your judgment." "Go out, find yourself someone, you get laid." "I guarantee you, one week in a new relationship you're gonna forget all about Maria again." "Remember why you got divorced?" " I cheated on her." " You cheated on her because what?" "You were miserable and too young to get married." "Dude, we're gonna be rock stars." "We got no time for wives." "We're gonna have scores of groupies to do whatever we want." "Right?" "Listen." "If you're horny, get a hooker." "No, see, that's for you." " I couldn't do that." " What's wrong with a hooker?" "I don't want it on my résumé." "I don't wanna have kids, and have the kids find out that their father was with a hooker." "How the fuck they gonna find that out?" "I don't know." "It's not even like I have a moral stance here." " Forget I brought it up." " That's not for me." "Forget it." "I gotta roll." "I gotta meet my mom uptown." "She's taking me shopping at Bloomingdale's." "Wanna come?" "I gotta get back to work, buddy." " I'll see you at rehearsal." " Yeah." "All right, man." " Be good." " Take it easy." " See you at rehearsal." " Check you later, man." "Excuse me." " Would you like anything else?" " No, I'm all right." " Just the check." " Okay." "I was thinking that Gio was right about what he had said." "Maybe I should get back out there and start looking for a girl." "So when I thought that waitress at the coffee shop" "She's gorgeous." "It was obvious to me she was sending me those kinds of signals so I thought I'd stop by after work and see if I could chat her up." "Hey, how you doin'?" "How's it goin'?" "Good." "Do I know you?" "You don't remember?" "I was in the coffee shop earlier today." " That's right." " Remember?" "There was a moment there where you were looking at me and smiling." "And I said, "Oh, boy!"" "I thought I'd come by, introduce myself." " How you doin'?" " Hello." "Ashley." "It seemed obvious to me that there was something special between us." "Really?" "When was that?" "While I was pouring you your coffee?" "Right." "There was then, and there was one" "You were behind the counter, and you smiled at me again." "If you're so into me, why did you only leave me a 50-cent tip?" "It doesn't make any sense." "I gotta tell you- Let's be serious." "As much as I felt a connection, I only had a couple cups of coffee." "I've gotta be honest with you." "You're really not doing a great job at selling yourself." "Really." "Maybe it's hard to imagine, but I'm a very nice guy." "I play guitar in a band." "So that explains the uniform, then?" "This is for work." "I'm a doorman." "So where are you from?" "You're not from New York, right?" " No, I'm from Iowa." " Iowa?" "Okay." "I was in Atlanta once." "Yeah?" "Iowa's not in the South." "You know that, right?" " I didn't know that." " Now you know." "Listen." "I want to ask you out on a date." "I want to go out on a date with you." "What do you say?" "Me and you." "I'm a nice guy." "'Cause if you say no, I'm gonna be there every day at that coffee shop having breakfast until you say yes to me." " I'm flattered." "I am." " You are?" "I'm glad." "I'm flattered, but I'm seeing somebody right now, so I can't." "Okay." "That's a shame." " Thank you, though." " You're very beautiful." " That's very sweet." "Thank you." " All right." " I've gotta go." "Bye." " Take it easy." "You're very beautiful." " Thank you." " Okay." "I feel like a fuckin' asshole." "All right." "That's proof in itself." "I come off gay in this outfit." "My name is Ashley, and I'm 19." "I go to NYU." "What if my family sees this?" "Can this tape get out at all?" "So that was a lot of fun, huh?" "Yeah, it was all right." "What do you mean, "all right"?" "What is that?" "It was fine, you know?" "It was just sex." "What do you mean?" "What are you talking about?" "It wasn't just sex for me." "It seemed to me you were having a pretty good time." "Really?" "Is there something wrong?" "Maybe it's just every time we get together it's always in some hotel room and it's only for an hour." "Would you rather not see me at all?" "No, I'd rather see" "I'd rather you were a single guy that could take me to movies and to dinner instead of some married man who I have to have sex with during his lunch breaks." "What would you rather have me do?" "Would you rather I parade you around the city so my wife can find out?" "Would that make you happy?" "Honestly?" "Yes." "It would, because I'm feeling pretty damn cheap right now." "You knew what this was when you entered into it." "You knew I was a married man and did not want to get divorced." "That was the arrangement, and you said okay." "If you want to put an end to it now, fine, let's do it." "You're such an asshole." "Why am I an asshole?" "Because I'm honest with you?" "Because I'm trying to help you here?" "Besides, what would you like me to tell my wife?" "How 'bout the truth?" "That might help, you know." "You've got some dumb young slut who agrees to have sex with you in hotel rooms on your lunch break." "She's getting fed up, so you better smarten up or you might lose her." " You should tell your wife that." " That's really nice." " Are you done?" " No, I'm an idiot." " Why are you an idiot?" " I'm so fucking stupid." "I'm being kept by a married man who can't get it up half the time." " It happened once." " Twice." "One and a half, 'cause remember, we finished." "Okay?" "What are you doing here?" "What's going on?" "Come on." "What are you doing?" "Are you gonna tell me you've never had a good time with me over here?" "You like this." "So do I." "You like the clandestine nature of it." "You told me that." "You told me you liked going to nice hotel rooms." "Come on." "I'd trade all that just to be able to walk down the street with you and hold your hand just once in public." "Maybe that will happen sometime." " That would be nice." " Well?" "Come on." "Griffin." " Lance wants to see you." " Okay, I'll be right there." "Now." "Okay." "Rinse out for me." "Another late lunch?" "Jealous?" " What's going on, Lance?" " Not much." "Just wanted to see how you were." " Me?" "Regarding what?" " Just in general." "You seemed a little distracted recently." "I wanted to make sure everything was all right." " I'm fine." " Annie?" " She's fine." " And the little girl?" " You know." " Griff." "Why don't you get a divorce already?" "You're not being fair to Annie." "I told you, I can't get a divorce again." " Come on." " Why not?" "Because then I'd be a two-time loser." "Come on, Lance." "If you knew how much money my first wife took from me every month it would break your heart." "I had to give up the town house." "I can't go through that again." "So you're telling me that you're just resigned to the fact that you're gonna stay married to a woman you don't love for the rest of your life?" "I love Annie." "That's not what" "How many couples do you know stay together for a long time and they talk about passion, the sex, the lust?" "It doesn't happen." "After a while, people stay married for other reasons." "They stay together for companionship, stability, security." "I mean, that's what happens." "It's normal." "When you get up in the morning, you look in the mirror you like what you see?" "Well, my name is Griffin Eretso." "I'm 39." "I'm from the Bronx." "I've been married for six years." "You know, the thing with Ashley is" "You know, the little girl." "I really love her." "I do." "She's great." "What am I gonna do?" "I'm married." "I can't get another divorce." "I love spending time with her." "We have a great time together." "She's a great kid, but can I imagine spending any real time with her?" "I mean, maybe." "I don't know." "I think that's why I like to keep it restricted to hotel rooms." "Because we talk a little bit, we have sex, and then I go." "And..." "I guess I never really have to get to know her because" "That's actually kind of sad, I guess, but, you know" "What am I gonna do?" "I'm married." "Are you guys really moving?" "Yeah, you don't want to- This is a beautiful city." " Why live anywhere else?" " I'm not saying I dislike the city." "I'm saying I'm a tad burned out on it." "I need a little nature now and again." "Central Park isn't cutting the mustard for him anymore." "Perhaps it's because I've turned 40." "I'm experiencing this enormous void in my life." "It needs to be filled." "Hello!" "I got a void right here that needs to be filled." "You don't seem too concerned with that." "A little tact, please." "Must you reduce everything into a conversation about sex?" " I'm sorry." "You're right, honey." " Thank you." "I just thought if I talked about it, I might get some once in a while." "So has Grizzly Adams here explained to you how he plans to fill this void?" "I've purchased some land upstate." "I'm building a log cabin on it." "You're going to build a log cabin?" "From scratch." "Just me, the logs and some cutting tools." "When I'm finished, I'll retire there and live out the rest of my days." " You're gonna retire at age 40?" " Why not?" "That's a little extreme." "Tell 'em about the tepee that I'm gonna sleep in when I visit." "This is good." "Have you heard of the expression, "Firewood warms you twice." "Once when you cut it and once when you burn it"?" "I'll take half that action." "My point is simply that I'm looking forward to getting in touch with nature." "I'd give you a week outside of Manhattan without your little Sunday Times and box seats at Shea." " Please." " Oh, look." "She's drunk again." "Harry, I know what you're saying." "I feel the void." "What are you talking about?" "Since when do you feel the void?" "I've felt it for a while now." "We all focus on the wrong things, like clothes, money diet, stupid crap." "You think of our grandparents going through wars and the Depression." "They had to think about where was their next meal coming from could they afford to keep the apartment heated who's gonna pay for the doctor when someone got sick." "They were miserable." "They had a reason to be, whereas we, on the other hand, don't." "I totally agree with you, Annie." "You're so full of shit!" "His parents grew up on Park Avenue." "Once again, she misses the point completely." " Oh, wow." " I'm sorry." "My name's Annie Matthews, and I'm 29." "I grew up on the Upper East Side of Manhattan." "I feel very frustrated with my friends and my life recently." "We live in such a cushy society." "We have no real threats or problems." "So we obsess on these silly little things." "We create problems, especially sexual, and I think it's pathetic." "Almost everyone I know is obsessed with their sexuality and their sexual life." "All this thinking about it can't be healthy." "If you just look at the television, movies, advertising, Internet..." "I mean, everyone is just obsessed." "They spend all their time thinking, talking about their sexual lives." "What would you rather, then, talk about?" "Well, I don't know." "I think there could be deeper things people could talk about like having a family and sticking together through good times and bad times." "But it's always, like, "He's insensitive" or "She's cold. "" "Who really gives a shit about how many orgasms- ...how many orgasms you can have?" "Who cares about love anymore?" "Doesn't anyone care about that?" "Christ!" "That was a lot of fun." "I guarantee you those two will be divorced within the month." "Why do you say that?" "They've always talked like that." "Harry talking that crap about his cabin and his void?" "The only void that he has is that he wants to fuck other women." "Why do you say that?" "Are you guys such great friends that he'd confide in you about that?" "We've had drinks together." "He starts to drink too much and he starts to talk." "What are you saying?" "Has he cheated on her?" "I don't know specifics, but I do know that one time we went out and he was drinking and talking to this young bimbo." "He left with her." "If anything happened after that, I don't know." "How could you not tell me about this earlier?" "How can I- Harry's a friend of mine." " Since when?" "I introduced you." " What does that mean?" "Harry can't be my friend too?" "No, he can, but your loyalty should be to Hilary because you knew her first." "You wanna know the truth?" "I never liked Hilary." "I don't blame Harry for getting a little something on the side." "That is so disgusting!" "She is my best friend." "Secondly, they're married." "You think that's acceptable behavior for him to get some on the side?" "That's not what I'm saying, but we have talked about his sex life." "Frankly, she is not the warmest person." "She is not the most giving, okay?" "So a guy like that, he gets his load on and he wants to find a little warmth and kindness somewhere else." "Warmth and kindness?" "That's fucking gross." "Let me ask you a question- if our sex life wasn't great how would you feel if I sought out kindness from some young stud?" "But you would never do that, so" "That is not the fucking point." "You're not as affectionate as you used to be but does that give me the right to cheat on you?" "Why are we having this conversation?" "Can we calm down?" "It's idiocy." "Let's change the subject." "I don't think it's idiocy to talk about fidelity and monogamy with the person you're married to." "If our sex life wasn't great, would you talk to me about it so we could work on it?" " Or would you just have an affair?" " Have an affair?" "Why would you ever think I would do such a thing?" "Maybe because you cheated on your first wife." "Okay, all right." "That's true." "But it was different because I didn't love her." "I love you, so it's totally different." "Look, why do you compare me to Harry?" "Harry's a shark." "This is a guy who goes out and cheats hardworking people out of their hard-earned money every day of his life." "That's his job." "That's what he does." "You marry a guy like that who's a scumbag in his job, he's a scumbag in life." "What do I do for a living?" "I'm a dentist." "Honey, I can't believe you're" "I'm sorry about what I said about Hilary before." "I am." "I know she's your best friend." "It was very insensitive." "I'm telling you, just don't ever fucking cheat on me, okay?" "Okay." "I can't believe we're even having this conversation." "It's so silly." "My first wife" "Her name was Sara." "And, yeah, I cheated on her." "We were married three years, then I started cheating on her." "It wasn't because we weren't having a good sex life." "We were." "It was just that I have a very..." "European outlook on marriage." "I don't necessarily believe in monogamy." "I love my wife, I'm with her, we have sex but I have the occasional affair." "It's been done in Italy and France for years." "I don't know if the Germans do it." "I don't know what they do." "But you know" "So it's a very different life." "That's the kind of life that I have." "What Annie doesn't know isn't gonna hurt her, to tell you the truth." "I think it's kind of depressing sometimes." "You pass thousands of people on the street every day yet you can still feel so isolated." "Isolated and alone." "You walk by, you're in a crowd of people" " Millions of people- ...yet nobody knows you, they don't know what you're going through." "I guess I just feel kind of melancholy lately." "I'm turning 30 next year and I guess my life just isn't what I thought it would be." "Excuse me." " Are you the real estate agent?" " Yes." "Annie Matthews." " Nice to meet you." " How are you?" "Tommy." " Shall we go up?" " Yeah." "It's a great neighborhood." "Recently renovated, 2,500 square feet." " How many bedrooms?" " Three bedrooms." " Two and a half baths." " That's good." "I want to find a big place like this the kind of house you can grow old in, raise a family in." "I'm sure your wife would love it." "How many kids do you have?" "My wife?" "I'll let you know when I meet her." "How many?" "Like five, maybe?" "Gotta have my starting five." "Do I look like a bunny rabbit?" "How am I gonna have five kids?" "What about you?" "Any kids?" "You married, though?" "That's a wedding ring on your finger." " Yeah." " Happy?" "Are you writing a book?" "I'm sorry." "I'm just trying to make polite conversation." " What do you think of this place?" " It's nice." "It's big." "But it doesn't feel like me." "It's a little feminine." "We'll keep looking, then." "Where are you runnin' off to?" "If you can believe it, I've got a date tonight." "Good for you." "You got right back out there, kid." "That's great." "Aren't you gonna take a shower?" " You think I need to?" " There's a definite scent there." "I don't know what it is." "Just slap some cologne on." " You'll be all right." " I don't like to wear cologne." "Thanks anyway." "I think I'll be fine." "You don't wear cologne?" "You'd rather show up on your date smelling like some barnyard animal." "Just slap some cologne on." "It shows you got a little class." "Don't forget the balls." " What are you talking about?" " Spray some on your balls." "I won't put cologne on my balls." "You think I'm some sort of savage?" "I want you to listen to me on this." "I can smell your armpits from here, okay?" "What do your balls smell like when she sticks her face down there?" "Just give those bad boys a spritz, and she'll love it." "Go ahead." "Do what I tell ya." "You're a sick man, but I'll do it in the next room." "They love it when the balls smell nice." "Lets them know you care." "Would I have sex on the first date?" "I think I might be starting to sound like an asshole here but who wouldn't?" "Sure." "I'm not one of those girls that thinks she can't have a real relationship with a guy if she sleeps with him on the first date." "You know, that's silly." "I'm all for it, preferably before going to the movie and paying for the popcorn." "I just think it's weird that there's this person out there just walking around, leading their life." "Then you meet them in a bar, then two or three hours later you have their penis inside you." "That's a little scary." "Well, I was happy, or I thought I was." "But he thought we were too young and couldn't see himself being faithful for the rest of his life." "So what happened?" "You got divorced?" "Not until I found out that he was sleeping with other women." "You see?" "It's so fragile." "I don't know anyone that hasn't either cheated on their spouse..." " Or been cheated on at some time." " It's depressing." "What happened?" "Did you catch him?" "How did you find out?" "You weren't hitting on her?" "No, I was just talking to her." "I was standing right there." "I heard you." "What did you hear?" " You want me to repeat it?" " Yeah." "I didn't say anything that would warrant these accusations." "Really?" "Telling someone I work with, that I have to see every day that she has nice tits doesn't warrant these accusations?" "I didn't say that." "All I'm saying is that you have really nice breasts." "All right, maybe I said something like that, but I was only kidding." " Kidding?" " Yeah." "I was flirting, but a kidding kind of flirting." "Flirting is one thing." "Trying to fuck my coworker, that I have a problem with!" "Jesus, that is harsh." "So have you been on a lot of dates since the divorce?" "Have you ever heard of a born-again virgin?" "Really?" "It's been that long?" " Over a year." " That cannot be healthy." "That's unnatural." "Actually, it's not that bad." "After a while, you don't miss it so much." "You gotta be kidding me." "You know what's gonna happen?" "The minute you get it again, you're gonna kick yourself for being out of the game for so long." "It's not like I have a lot of options out there." "Guys in this city, decent ones, are few and far between." "What the hell am I, fucking Doogie Howser over here?" "What is that supposed to mean?" "Are you offering your services?" "I wasn't gonna come right out and say it, but yeah." "Of course I'd like to, but" "So what do you suggest?" "We go to my place, and you help me with this little problem I've got." "Is that it?" "Did I just blow it there?" "Did I just totally strike out?" "No." "Where do you live?" "I actually, you know" "I got a roommate." "Now you're striking out." "32 years old with a roommate?" "See, it's just temporary because my girlfriend kicked me out." "So it's not" "What about you?" "Do you live alone?" "Yeah." "What'd you say you did for a living?" "You're a schoolteacher?" "Yeah, I teach the sixth grade." "You see, that's weird." "When you're a kid, you can't imagine that your sixth-grade teacher is going out on dates gettin' drunk, taking guys home." "I just cannot imagine my sixth-grade teacher letting' some guy go down on her at all." " Why?" " Why?" "Yeah." "I don't know." "Maybe because she was a nun." "All right." "I couldn't go through with it tonight because" "You know, it's just been since my husband and it was just a little weird, so" "But that's all." "I just wanted to" "I mean, that's cool." "It's not like I was looking for a one-night stand or anything." "We can just take it slow." "I mean, I want to see you again." "You wanna see me?" "Yeah." "Good." "You better, because that was a very expensive restaurant." "Expensive meal." "Yeah, very expensive dessert, you know?" "But tasty." "That's right." "So he went down on you on the first date?" "Yeah, I know." "What do you think about that?" " Usually that's not a good sign." " That's what I was thinking." "But he kind of just went for it before I knew what was happening." "I felt kind of slutty, though." "Why?" "It's not like you had sex with the guy, right?" "He went down on me." "How was that not sex?" "How is that not sex?" "You sound like Bill Clinton." "It's just not sex." "It's not." "I'll tell you what I found weird." "Do guys usually put cologne on their balls?" "Did he have it on his balls, or did he have it on his underwear?" "His balls." "That's a little weird." "Yuck." "You wrote a song for that hot chick at the diner?" " Hot song for a hot chick." " She said she'd go out with you?" "Not really, but I think she liked me 'cause she didn't seem to hate me." " Where is she from?" " Iowa." "Iowa?" "Where the fuck is Iowa?" "Dude, I haven't the slightest." "Look, you want some advice?" "Don't play her that song." " Why not?" " 'Cause it's a bubblegum move." "You're gonna embarrass yourself and the band." "But if you insist, better make it a duet." "Yeah, but then she falls for you, and then, you know  'Cause you've got that voice." " That's what I'm thinkin'." "Hey, Ashley, Sergeant Pepper's here again." "He's got a guitar with him." "I really hope he's not gonna be serenading you in here." "He's kinda cute." "He looks like a freak." "What's with the outfit?" " How's it goin'?" " Hi." "How you doin'?" " Not so bad." "How you doin'?" " I'm doin' good." " It's a good day." " I told you I'd be back, right?" "Yeah, but you have the guitar with you." "Yeah." "You know what I did?" "Last night I went home, I wrote a song for you." "Now I feel like it's not the right time." "Might not be a good idea." "I'm a little nervous." "Are you gonna sing, or is it just the guitar?" "If it makes you uncomfortable, don't." "You don't need to do it now." "Come back and play it another time." "I could play a little bit right now, probably, for you." " Whatever you want." " It's a real pretty song." " What's it called?" " It's called "A Girl Like You. "" "A girl like me?" ""A Girl Like You. "" "Yeah, I know." "I mean, was it written about a girl like me?" "Is this song about a girl like me?" "I wrote it for you." "Yeah." "So, okay." "Wait a second." "You said you have a boyfriend already." " Yeah." " I remember you said that." "Maybe I shouldn't play this song." "Might not be right." "Right?" "It might be like cheating." "Yeah, probably not." "This was weird." "I'll probably" "I'll probably come back another time, okay?" "Oh, no." "You don't have to go." "I have to go." "Ah, I'm stuffed." "But I'll be back without the guitar." " Take it easy, you." " You too." "Bye." "I got beat up a lot when I was a kid so I spent most of my time in my bathroom learning to play guitar and masturbating." "And now that I'm divorced, I basically do the same thing." "Too many..." "Things I do not care for..." "One thing that I adore..." "Is a girl like you..." "I'm always trying..." "To look you in the eye..." "It's okay..." "A girl like you..." "Griffin?" "You don't have to worry." "Nobody's gonna recognize you here." "Hope you know I'm taking a big risk taking you out in public." "Really?" "Driving us a half hour out to Brooklyn just to eat dinner?" " I think you're pretty risk-free." " All right." "We're here to have a good time, right?" "You look very pretty." "Ashley, how's it goin'?" "Oh, hi!" "Good." "How are you?" " You remember me?" " Of course." "Ben." "From the coffee shop." "How's it goin'?" "Good." "What are you doing here?" "I'm having dinner with my grandparents." " Yeah?" " They're from Burrough Park." " They're cute." " I figured I'd take 'em out." "Sorry." "Is this your father?" "No, this is Griffin, my dentist." "Griffin, Ben." "Ben, Griffin." "Pleasure." "Hi." "All right." "I was goin' to the bathroom." "Okay." " See you later." " Bye." "I forgot something at my table." " You look great, really good." " Thanks." "Thank you." "All right." "Nice meeting you." "I'm sorry." "Bye, Ben." "He's so sweet." "Who is he?" "He's just this musician guy I used to know." " You know him or" " We went out a couple of times." "You did go out with him?" "So what happened?" "Why didn't it work?" "You know, it's really not very important." "No, I wanna know." "I don't know." "If I tell you, do you promise me you're not gonna get mad?" "Yeah, I promise." " You promise?" " Yeah." " Okay." " I totally promise." "I couldn't have sex with him." "I mean, I did have sex with him, but I couldn't continue." "And now I'm supposed to ask why, I suppose." "What happened?" "He couldn't get it up?" "He was too big." " Excuse me?" " Too big." "That's nice." "That's a charming bit of dinner conversation." "Can we have the check?" "You said you weren't gonna get mad." "I don't feel like sitting here talking about your old boyfriends who have much bigger cocks than I do, that's all." " Don't be mad." " Why wouldn't I be mad?" "Would you like me to talk about my old girlfriends' vaginas?" " You have a very nice-sized one." " A nice size?" "That's very nice." "Thanks." "But not like Big Dick Dongo there." "Could we have that check, please?" "How we doin' with that check?" "Was it serious with that guy?" "It was just a fling." " Just a fling." " Yeah." "It was for fun." "It was strictly physical." "It was nothing." "It was just physical." "That's supposed to make me feel better?" "Why are you doing this?" "You don't want to know." "I do want to know." "So he and his big cock were just for fun?" "There's no reason for you to feel threatened." " I don't feel threatened." " Honey, I love you." "I don't love him." "You can't get on my case 'cause you're gonna go home to your wife." "Do you think he's a better lover than me?" "I'm wondering, 'cause maybe that's the problem we've had lately." "I'm serious." "Maybe you just need, like, a huge cock to make you happy." "You think that's the problem we've been having lately?" "The problem is that you're married, and we've been together six months." "Tonight's the first night you took me on a real date." "That is the problem." "How much bigger is he than me?" "That's all I wanna know." "Get off it, will you?" "This was nice." "Please leave it be, okay?" "Sure." "Hi, babe." "Are you here?" " How are ya?" " Flowers!" "What's the occasion?" "I need an occasion to buy flowers for my wife?" "Usually." "Here, I'll put 'em in" " Where were you all night?" " I was at the gym." "I told you I was gonna go to the gym." "I decided to go for a swim afterwards, then I ran into" "What's that smell?" "What smell?" "I guess it's your new cologne?" "Yeah." "You don't like it?" "No, it's kind of flowery." "Maybe it's the flowers." " I'm gonna go to bed." " Anyway" " You going to bed?" "At the gym tonight, I was looking through one of those you know, those men's magazines." "They had an article in there about penis size." "Now, I know you've only been with a couple of guys." "So you've told me." "But is mine like a nice size or" "I don't know." "I've never compared." "Would you describe it as big or" "I don't know." "Maybe." "Is everything all right?" "Yeah." "Why?" "You just seem different to me lately." "What do you mean, "different"?" "What do you mean?" "Well, you're not as affectionate as you used to be." "When we first got together you could barely keep your hands off." "Now, you know, we barely make love." "And we never just lay around and cuddle." "I know, honey, but I'm sorry." "I'm so busy at work, and I'm just" "After a while, things do slow down." "But not for everyone, and I don't want them to slow down for us." "Why should they?" "I'm 30 years old." "I'm not ready to not have passion in my life." "I know." "I got married 'cause I wanted to have kids and love and companionship." "The longer we're together, the less I seem to be getting these things." "So this is about kids?" "I mean, yeah, it is about kids, but it's really more about us." "Well, honey, I don't want to say anything but compared to most people, we have a great marriage." "That's what I think." "Oh, God." "What?" "Why don't you give me any attention?" "Why am I your last priority?" "What are you talking about?" "I got you flowers." "Honey, come on." "Griffin and I have been happily married for six years." "I would say that our sex life is healthy." "It slowed down a little bit, but we're still passionate." "It's not the sex I miss so much as the affection." "Annie described your sex life as passionate." "Is that accurate?" "No, I would not describe it as passionate." "No, I would not." "I mean, look after a certain amount of time, things fade." "And anybody who tells you differently is lying." "If you really think that, then why don't you say something?" " What should I say?" " I don't know." "I mean, I never liked the guy, so I would say something like..." ""I think you're a selfish, ignorant misogynist." "I know you're having an affair, and I want a divorce. "" "Who said anything about a divorce?" "You said he came home smelling of some other woman's pussy." "Perfume." "I said perfume." "Perfume, pussy- whatever." "I know when a guy's having an affair." "That's what he's doing." "You've got a couple of options." "You could divorce the prick." "You could stay and live with it but that's pathetic." "Or you could have an affair yourself." "Do you think that Harry has ever had an affair?" "I think that's what that log cabin shit was about." "Yeah, he wants a place to take them." "Why do you stay with him, then?" "Or what?" "Get another divorce?" "No way." "God, too much work." "How can you stay with him knowing he's had an affair?" "I don't know." "Because I did the same thing." "You did?" "Oh, my God!" "When?" "You did?" "With my gyno." "Your gynecologist?" "Oh, my God." "Isn't that illegal or something?" "Are you kidding me?" "It's heaven." "Think about it." "If there's one thing that guy knows about" "What does he do?" "Annie's problem is she's an idealist." "She actually believes all that shit about true love and living happily ever after." "She really believes there are good guys out there." "She just has to remember that, you know men are like a disease and, unfortunately most onus have already been infected." "And as far as I can tell there's no cure." "Are you from New York originally?" "Yeah." "Queens." "That's not really New York, is it?" "No, that's really New York." "In fact, in my book, that's the real New York." "Why?" "Where are you from?" "The Upper East Side, born and raised." "The Upper East Side?" "That's not really New York." "What does your dad do for a living?" "Is he a Wall Street guy?" "He's a lawyer." "What does he have to do with making this a great city?" "We, on the other hand- the bridge and tunnel crowd the outer borough folk- we're the ones that built this city." "We gave our blood and guts to this town." "One of my grandfathers was a sand hog." "Helped build the Lincoln and Holland tunnel." "Ended up dying of emphysema from all the dust." "A grandfather worked construction on a dozen skyscrapers including the Empire State Building." "Then he falls to his death when I'm a kid." "My dad was a cop, got shot twice while on the job." "My mom is a nurse up at Harlem Hospital still saving lives every day." "So we really gave something to the city." "Our blood, our guts, our lives." "We're the ones that made it great." "That's a great story but I can trace my ancestors back to the original Dutch settlers in the 17th century." "In my book, that's as real a New Yorker as you can get." "If you grew up in the outer boroughs you have a greater appreciation of New York than if you grew up in Manhattan." "We grew up sort of seeing the city from a distance and feeling the pull of it, longing for it." "So maybe if you grew up here, you kind of take it for granted." "Jesus, you weren't kidding." "This is a great space." "I thought you'd like it." "Obviously, it's a raw space." "You'd have to build it out." "It'd cost money." "I don't mean to be rude, but what do you do for a living?" "I produce a television show, Entertainment This Week." "What do you do there?" "We go around to movie premieres and television shows then we interview all these asshole celebrities about who they're fucking and how much they're getting overpaid then try and help them sell their latest piece-of-crap product." " So you really like this job." " You know what it is?" "When I got out of college, I wanted to be a writer maybe go into journalism or maybe even be a novelist." "But the only job I could get was answering phones at the show." "So here it is, ten years later, I'm making a pile of dough and it's hard to imagine walking away even though I know it'd be the best thing for me." "Sounds like my marriage." "So are you writing anything now?" "Every time I try and get started, something comes up from work and I just get distracted." "Maybe one day I'll be in Barnes Nobleandseeone ofyour books." "And I'll pick it up." "That'd be nice." "So anyway, there's this view over here I really want you to see." "I'm beginning to think you're not really looking for an apartment." "You think I'm just using this as an excuse to flirt with you?" "Are you flirting with me?" "I was hoping it was obvious, but I guess I'm not doing a good job." "You did say you were married, right?" " Yeah." " That sucks." " I shouldn't be flirting with you." " No, you shouldn't." "Well, I should get going." "I gotta get back to the office." "But if I see anything, I'll call you." "Yeah, 'cause, you know- All right." " Okay, bye." " Call me, though." "So I am going out with the guy from the video store again tonight." "Oh, second date." "The pressure's on." "So are you gonna have sex with him?" "I don't know." " Do you think I should?" " I definitely think you should." "This time, give him a little advice." "No more cologne on the balls." "Oh, come on." "It wasn't that bad." "No, it was disgusting." "How many sexual partners have you had in your life?" "Not entirely enough." "But I'm working on it." "Right now, that's what I'm working on." "I think it's seven." "Eight." "Is that bad?" "I'm 19." "That sounds really bad." "What, are you kidding me?" "I'm a 39-year-old man." "How could I possibly remember?" "I don't know." "A hundred?" "Two hundred and fifty?" "I don't know." "That's the great thing about New York." "You walk down the street and you encounter like a thousand potential sexual partners every day." "A walk to the deli can be very erotic." "I know it sounds pathetic, but I've had three." "I got married early." "I was 22 years old." "But, you know, one of them is my husband." "Not too many." "I don't know." "Like nine or ten." "I was always one of those guys that's been in a series of long-term relationships." "I never really had the opportunity to put up the big numbers." "Seventeen, but, you know, there was no one-night stands." "I just dated a lot, so" "Oh, Jesus." "That's the greeting I get now?" "If I find you outside my door, yes." "What are you doing here?" " It's not like I'm stalking you." " Yes, it is." "I can't find my keys." "I gave you a spare set." "I thought, for emergencies like this" "Okay, hold on." "I'll get them for you." " I should have seen that coming." " Gonna introduce me to your friend?" "Tommy, this is my ex-husband Benjamin." " Ben, this is Tommy." " How you doin', man?" "I'm doing good." " That's a nice jacket." " Thanks." "Can I talk to you for a second in private?" "Maria, this is very important." "We have some talking to do." "You think I'm someone who needs to explain myself to you." "Pal, would you give us a second here in private?" " She'll be right back." " Benjamin, no." "If you want to talk to me, do it out here." "Otherwise, I'll go get your keys and you can call me in the morning." "I'll wait out here." "Tommy, would you like to come inside?" "No, I'll wait out here with my pal." " Get to know him." " Fine." "So where are you located?" "I'll call you tomorrow." " You're welcome, Benjamin." " Thanks." "I'm so sorry." "Look, you don't have any diseases that I should know about, right?" "Why?" "You got any diseases I should know about?" "Are you sure?" "I swear." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm sure." "I just had a test." "Well, that's good." "You really should have thought to bring a condom, though." "Yeah, look, I'm sorry." "It was only a second date." "I didn't think we'd get this far." "Yeah, well" "I'm really sorry to have to hurry you but I've really got to get to work." "You got to get to work?" "I thought you were a schoolteacher." "Yeah." "So?" "Yeah, well, today's Sunday, right?" "Yeah, well..." "I'm taking the class on a school trip and we're going to the zoo, so" "Why don't you take this one?" "I'll wait for the next one." "No, I can't do that." "You said you gotta get to work, so" "Don't worry about it." "Come on." "You got the kids waiting, right?" "I'll get the next one." "See you around." "With Maria, quite honestly, I don't know what happened." "Went out a couple times." "I thought we had a good time." "Obviously, we must've." "We had sex the second time we went out." "I think I got a little freaked out sleeping with another guy." "It's not like I didn't like him." "I hadn't slept with anyone since Benjamin." "It just got me a little scared." "After that, she tried to kick me out of the house." "I called her a bunch of times." "She never called me back." "I guess I got the hint and stopped calling." "How did you feel when you saw Maria and Tommy together?" "My pal?" "My pal Tommy." "Yeah." "It's terrible she'd let a guy like that into her home." "That's the apartment I shared with her." "To think that that guy was showering under the showerhead I installed makes me very angry." "You actually pay attention to your horoscope?" "I read it every day." "It's actually pretty accurate." "Accurate?" "In what way?" "It keys me into what to watch out for in life." "Why I may be feeling a particular way on a certain day." "What did today's tell you?" "See what it says." "It said" " Yeah, right." ""You have had your fill of certain people." "Make a clean break." "There are, however, changes in the air." "A person in uniform could deliver the key to your love life and happiness. "" "Get out of here." "It says that?" "Yeah." "That's me!" "That is me." "You know what?" "That's me." "I am the man in the uniform that can deliver the key to your love life and your happiness." "I wear a uniform." "Unless it's your mailman." "What kind of relationship do you have with him?" "Her." "So you don't have to worry." "You know what?" "You said you don't buy into the whole astrology thing." "So, therefore, this does not apply to us." " I never said" " Yes, you did." "I never said I didn't buy into astrology." "I said I was a little suspect of it." "What is this, the Daily News?" "I'm sure it's a very accurate reading." "What does it say?" "That you should make a "clean break. "" "See that?" "What do you think about that part of it?" "Like I said, it helps me make decisions." "How did you end up with this guy that you're with?" "The man is married." "He's a dentist, right?" "He's also a hundred years old so he's got three major strikes against him." "In my eyes, three strikes, you're out." " You know what I mean?" " Yeah, I know what you mean." "It was really simple." "I was sitting in the park one day, and he came up to me and hit on me." "Are you a model?" "If I were a model, why would I be sitting here studying right now?" "That's very funny." "You should be if you're not because you're very beautiful." "You have a very different look." "You're not a classic beauty." "I think you have the look of the new millennium." " "The look of the new millennium"?" " Yeah." "You are kidding, right?" "I'm not kidding." "I'm serious." " Yeah?" " Yeah, I think you do." "Look at your nose." "You have a beautiful nose." " I had it fixed when I was 13." " Really?" " They did a great job." " Thanks." "Wonderful." "I'm Griffin, by the way." " Ashley." " Nice to meet you." "Beautiful name." "What do you say?" "Will you let me take you out sometime?" " Aren't you married?" " Married?" "Why do you say that?" "Where do you get that from, that I'm married?" "You have a ring on your finger." "Isn't that a ring?" "Well, technically I'm married, yeah, but I'm not really married." "We have an understanding." "So is this understanding between you and your wife or you and your dick?" "That's very funny." "You're very funny." "The man is, what, 39 years old?" "How old are you?" "Nineteen." "When you were in fifth grade, he was 32." "When he was my age, you were just being born." "Or like when- Let's say when you" "I get the point." "You have to admit, as you get older, the age gap does shorten." "Maybe if you were 60 and he was 80, it wouldn't seem so weird." "But, honestly, I thought he was your father." "I bet a lot of people think that." "You know, we don't really go out a whole lot in public." "You'd be surprised." "Most young girls do wanna go for older guys because most young guys just wanna screw as many girls as possible." "They don't want a commitment." "They just want a lot of conquests." "Here you go." "What kind of commitment does a married guy give you?" "So what would I be to you?" "What, just another notch on your belt?" "Ashley, are you kidding me?" "Are you crazy?" "Do you know that I would marry you?" "I would marry you today if you say yes to me." "I swear." "Come on." "Let me take you out on a date." "Great time." "I'm the man in the uniform, you know?" "What do you say?" "Please?" "Yeah?" "Really?" "Why are you wearing handcuffs?" "Crazy girl, bad breath, no sex, and she lost the key." "That's not good." "No, that's not good, not good at all." "You still after that waitress who is so way beyond your league?" "As a matter of fact, I have a date with her this weekend." "That's great." "No, I'm happy for you." "Douche bag." " Crazy girl, bad breath, no sex" " Don't." "Don't." "And she lost the key..." "Don't push my buttons." "I'm really right here." "I don't know if he has a problem, but I gotta tell you after his divorce he was like fucked up in the head." "It was like he wanted to screw everything that wasn't nailed down." "But that's not Ben." "Ben, really, he wants to be in a monogamous relationship, you know?" "I hope it works out with that waitress." " I definitely don't think so." " This is very upsetting." " These are some classic albums." " It's not my kind of music." "How do you not know these albums?" "These are records that shaped rock 'n' roll and the world we live in." "I don't listen to this kind of music." "This is your kind of music." "All these guys, they're dead." "They're all dead." "They were dead before I was even born." "Morrison and Hendrix, yeah." "But like the Rolling Stones" "Only one guy died really early on in the Rolling Stones." "They replaced him, and they were still great." "I think that the most mandatory album if we're gonna start a record collection for you is Exile on Main Street." "Like, this is a no-brainer." "And, like, we're gonna have to get some Zeppelin for you because otherwise" "Here, Zeppelin I." "This is possibly the greatest" "No, it is possibly the greatest debut album of all time." "Except, of course" "Greetings from Asbury Park." "You have to have this." " You have to have this, okay?" " New Jersey." "You're good." "You're set here." "You're so good now." "Are you sure I'm gonna like these?" "There's 80 zillion records in here." "I am positive." "Honestly, if you don't like these, you have problems." "We're gonna have problems here." "If you can't see the beauty and the poetry and the majesty and, like, the brilliance of these albums then I don't know what's wrong with you." "You have a deficiency in your soul or something." "I'm only kidding." "I'm only kidding you." " Can I be honest with you?" " I hope you're always honest." "I am, totally." "But I think that this is really important." "I think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever known." "You're kind." "You're so sweet." "And I think I'm falling in love with you." "Benny, you're sweet." " You're just saying that." " You're sweet, sweet, sweet." " You are." " I'm not that sweet." "I'm really a savage." "I'm a fucking wild man." "You just have to let me show you that side of myself." "No, I like the sweet side." "I know enough savages already." "Yeah, but I'm a savage with a very sweet side." "Yeah?" "Plus, I'm the man in the uniform." " All right?" " Yeah." "I told you that I would make more time for you." "I took you out to dinner." "No, it's not that." "It's just that I'm not happy anymore." "What do you want me to do?" "I cannot get a divorce." "I don't want you to do anything." "I just don't want to be with you anymore." " Did you meet somebody else?" " No." "Come on." "Who's the guy?" "Did you meet some other guy with a big cock?" "Nobody you'd know." "There is somebody else." "What is he?" "Some little kid that you go walking in the park with?" "You hold his hand and go to the movies with and then you hold his huge cock in the movie?" "I don't think you're in a position to tell people what they can and can't do or who they can and can't be with." "My position is a little different." "I can't just stop seeing my wife." " You're gonna regret this." " Maybe." "But I doubt it." "Everything all right, Griff?" "What do you think?" "That little girl is driving me crazy." "Why do you keep doing this to yourself?" "How many girls do you have to screw before you realize you can get laid?" "I don't think the patient in the back room heard you." " What was that?" " Nothing." "Doctor?" "I'll be right there, Mrs. Bass." "Do me a favor, Carol." "Send one dozen flowers to the Washington Square Street address with a note that says, "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "What can I do?"" "Where's my flowers?" " Your flowers?" " Yeah." "Don't start with me, okay?" "Please don't." "Please." "I mean, with you and then Sigmund Freud over there" " Doctor." " I'm coming, Mrs. Bass." "I'm ready for that extraction now." " Wait a second." "Wait." " What's wrong?" " What's wrong?" " Nothing." "Just move down." "Move down a little lower." "There you go." "Is that it?" " No, you're not going in there." " I'm not trying to." "I could use a compass, though." "It's weird." "I've never made love with a virgin." "You're real cute." "Let me enter because I'm about to splooge as it is." "What is that?" "Who the fuck is that?" "Should I get it?" "I'm gonna get it." "Don't go get the door." "Who in the fuck is this?" "Could be important." " Go away!" " I want to talk to you." " I don't want to talk to you." " Well, too fucking bad about you." " Let me in." "Come on." " No." " I'm busy." "Get the fuck out." " What do you mean, you're busy?" "What do you mean?" "You got that little queer boyfriend there?" "Get the fuck away from the door!" "Get away!" "You don't understand." "I'm going to leave my wife." " Can I tell you that I don't care?" " What do you mean?" " I don't care." " You don't care?" "You break up my marriage and you tell me you don't care?" "Open the fuckin' door!" "Open the fuckin' door!" "Open this fucking door!" "Open this fucking door right now!" "Who the fuck is in there with you?" " Get away from the fucking door!" " This is what you do?" "After everything I've done for you, this is how you treat me?" "That's nice." "Christ." "This building is like Sodom and Gomorrah tonight." "You girls need a hand over there?" "Fuck off, scumbag." "Nice, nice." " Where have you been all night?" " I was at the gym." " Again?" " Yeah, yeah." " I have to talk to you." " What, honey?" "This is hard for me to say, because I'm afraid of what the answer might be but I just can't live feeling like I'm feeling and not saying it." "Are you having an affair?" "What?" "Am I having an affair?" "Why would you say such a thing?" "How can I not ask you?" "You're not available emotionally anymore." "You come home late some nights and you immediately take a shower." "We barely make love." "You never talk about having kids." "You came home that one night, and you smelled like perfume." "I hear you having late-night phone conversations whispering." "All right." "I can understand from where you're sitting that it would seem like that but I have a good excuse for every single thing that you just said." "Number one:" "Lance is working my ass off at work." "So when I come home, I'm just tired." "When I come home late, I come right from the gym and I shower here because you know I don't like to shower in front of other men." "As far as the perfume goes, I told you it was my cologne." "If you don't want me to wear it, I'll get rid of it..." "I'll never wear it again." "And as far as the phone call goes..." "I was probably talking to Harry about his goddamn sex life and I didn't wanna wake you up." "Then why, after six years of marriage are you suddenly so concerned about the size of your penis?" "I read that article." "I told you about the article I read in the magazine, the men's magazine." "The average size of the penis is, you know" " Are you fucking someone else?" " Stop with that question!" "Some girl looking at your penis, and you're wondering if it's big enough?" "You never worried about that with me." "I'm worried about it with you." " You don't seem worried." " I am worried." "If you were worried, then you'd come home right after work and not three hours later and leave me here alone." "I'm doing penis exercises at the gym." "That's really funny." "So you think that everything seems normal?" "I'm not saying everything seems normal." "It seems like it is what I just told you which is, mostly I'm tired." "I won't go to the gym anymore." "I just won't." "Forget it." "I'll just come right home, you know." "That's an indulgence I give myself because it makes me feel better." "If you don't want me to do it, I won't do it." "It's fine." " I'll wake up early and exercise." " So are you happy?" "Am I happy?" "I'm exhausted." "I'm exhausted, but other than that I'm happy." "You're really happy?" "I'm not saying that I'm really happy." "But I'm saying that I'm tired, you know." "Yeah." "I'm tired too." "Is it love or sex that makes us so confused in our relationships?" "Well, I think that it's sex because, you know love is either there or it's not." "And I think sex can be tricky sometimes." "Is it love or sex that fucks us up?" "Both." "Maybe it's the love of sex that fucks us up." "I don't know." "I'm not screwed up." "I think people have a problem mixing up the two together and mistaking one for the other." "I don't have that problem." "I don't know." "I'm Catholic, so probably sex." "What are you doin' here?" " Hi." " How you doin'?" "How are you?" "I'm good, I'm good." " What do you got there?" " I heard it was good." "Yeah." "It's great." "He's a terrific writer." "Is everything all right?" "You seem a little down." "No, I just have a lot on my mind." " Can I ask you a personal question?" " Yeah, sure." "You've had a long-term girlfriend, right?" "Yeah." "Did you ever cheat on her?" "No." "No, not really." "What do you mean, "not really"?" "Either you did or you didn't, right?" "Well define, you know, cheating." "Having sex with someone other than your girlfriend." "You mean sex, like in- ...like penetration?" "So you may have kissed somebody but you didn't actually have sex with them, or intercourse?" "No, we definitely did not have intercourse but we did kiss, so" "Well, in my book, that is cheating." "Look, in my book too." "I'm sorry it ever happened, but" "Why did you do it?" "Were you not attracted to her anymore?" "Look, I don't think people cheat because they're not attracted to somebody anymore." "You cheat because you're not in love anymore." "That's why you cheat." "I think my husband is having an affair." "Jesus." "Why do you think that?" "Little things." "Little things like what?" "Coming home late." "A suspicious weekend meeting out of town." "Late-night phone calls where I hear him whispering." "One time he came home, he smelled like perfume." "He said it was his new cologne." "And you only think he's having an affair?" "I confronted him, and he denied it." "But he can be very convincing." "Are you even happy with this guy?" "No." "Then why stay with him?" "Even if he wasn't cheating on you, why stay in an unhappy marriage?" "My parents got a divorce when I was a kid and I never forgave them for not trying harder to stay together." "I didn't wanna be like them, to be that kind of person." "I think you gotta give yourself a break." "It's not your fault your husband's a scumbag." "I'm sorry to say that, but if he's cheating on you, he is." "I'm sure there's thousands of guys who would die to go out with you." "If you divorce this prick, you call me that day." "I'll jump on a plane no matter where I am in the country." "I'll fly back here." "I'll take you out that night." "So you think I should go from an unfaithful husband to a guy who thinks that kissing a girl other than his girlfriend is not considered cheating?" "It's not like I'm defending those actions." "I know that that was a scumbag thing to do." " Do you think you'd do it again?" " I know I wouldn't." "I felt lousy when it happened." "I was just being honest with you." "Well, you know in my book, even talking like this is inappropriate so I should get going." " All right." "I understand." " Thank you for listening, though." "I'll see you next time we get an apartment to look at." "Bye." "Sometimes I think I'm really a priss." "My friends don't think cheating is such a big deal." "And I think maybe I'm too uptight in my views." "But then I think, you know these people would not be that deceitful to one of their friends." "People cheat 'cause they're afraid." "The world is run by fear, my friend." "Fear." "Everybody out here, they're afraid." "That guy's afraid." "You're afraid." "I'm gonna tell you something that my dad told me after I got divorced from my first wife who was absolutely, you know, gorgeous." "He said, "Show me a good-looking woman..." "I'll show you a guy who's tired of fucking her. "" "Men and women are very different when it comes to sex." "Men seem to think that it's an impossibility to be with one person." "Probably because they're pigs." "This is a married girl you're talking about." "Why would you even fool around with something like that?" " I got a good feeling about it." " You got a good feeling about it." "Oh, boy." "I get a good feeling about almost every girl that I see." "It's different." "There's something kind of sad about her." "It's like this wounded bird you want to take care of." "Really?" "Is that right?" "Excuse me, but who the hell are you to be taking care of anybody?" "If I'm not mistaken, you're still living in my apartment and you're in no position to take care of somebody." "Tommy, you're not a savior." "And I'm sure this chick don't need or want your saving." "Look, I mean, it's not like I was hitting on her." "I was talking to her, and it felt good." "I just" "I want you to trust me on something." "I'm gonna speak from experience here." "I am as big a dog as there is, okay?" "But it is not a good idea to fool around with married women." "It's bad karma, kid." "What about that girl, Maria?" " Maria, the schoolteacher?" " Yeah." "I took her on a couple of dates." "She never called me back." "Totally gave me the brush." "Tommy, let me explain something to you, okay?" "I'm gonna speak to you like a son." "Chicks don't brush guys off." "Guys brush chicks off, okay?" "That's just the way it is." " How you been?" " How've you been?" "You know, I've been better." "I called you a couple of times." "I never heard back from you." " I meant to call you back." " Yeah?" "But you just never got around to it?" "You know what?" "Seriously, don't sweat it at all." " It's cool." " No, but I really" "I wanted to apologize." "I'm sorry." "Really, it's" " You know." "It's cool." "I get it, you know." "I'll see you around." "Look, did I screw it up somehow?" "I thought we had a good time that night." "And then in the morning you're rushing off saying you had to go to the zoo or something." "What happened?" " Nothing." "I just" " Did we not have a good time?" "No, I had a great time." "It has nothing to do with you." "It was not your fault." "I got a little freaked out." "I'd really like it if you called me again." " Are you sure?" "I mean" " Yeah." "It's not just 'cause you ran into me?" " I won't get the machine?" " No." "Unless I'm not home." "Can't promise I'll be home." "Look, really, I just" "All right." "I'll call then." "I'll call you next week, but, you know" " You better, you know" " I will." " Don't play with me." " I won't." "So?" "I don't know." "I think maybe I should get a second opinion." "Well, Maria, I've got some good news and some more good news." "What would you like to hear first?" "I guess I'll pick the good news." "Your AIDS test is negative." "That is good news." " And the other good news?" " You're pregnant." "What the fuck are you doing here?" "I just want you to know that I want to be with you and I'm willing to leave Annie." "I don't want to break up your marriage, okay?" "What do you mean?" "That's what I thought you wanted." "You thought that I wanted that?" "I never fucking wanted that!" "I just wanted to see you." "The only reason you're outside my apartment, telling me this is because you can't have me." " That's not true." " Yeah, it is." "I am here because I love you." " Come here." " Get the fuck off of me." "Will you at least think about it?" "Will you at least think about it?" "It's Maria." "Please leave a message and I'll call you back." "Maria, how you doin'?" "It's Tommy." "I called you a couple of times already." "I figured I'd try again." "I thought at the video store you wanted to get together but maybe I was mistaken." "So, look." "All right." "I hope you're good, and I'll see you around, whenever." "All right." "Take it easy." "You're so sweet." "I love you so much." "Excuse me." "Are these yours?" "Those?" "This disgusting thing with the spots on it." "Are you the proud owner of these?" "Yes and no." " They were Griffin's." " I'm gonna vomit." " Are you kidding?" " No, I'm not kidding." "I think if this relationship has any chance of surviving we should consider burning these immediately." " What's wrong?" " Nothing." "Listen, if there's something wrong, you should talk to me." "Nothing's wrong." "I already told you." "Don't worry about it." "All right?" "Come on." " You don't think I can tell?" " It's nothing." "It's not nothing." "Just talk to me." "We talked fine before." "Can we have some silence for a little while?" "We've had silence for the past fuckin' ten minutes!" "Why do we have to talk?" "I don't know what's wrong with me." "What, you're crying now?" "Calm down, first of all." " Why are you crying?" " I don't wanna calm down." "Come on." "I can understand." "I just need a little bit of space right now." "What do you mean, "space"?" "This is just too much too quickly." "I don't know how to deal with it." "You breaking up with me?" "What are you doing to me?" "One second you like me, and the next second you don't." "I'm sorry." "You can't play games with people like this." "What is it?" "It's this dentist, right?" "You wanna go back to him." "He's your man, right?" "I'm sorry I stepped in between." "You should have told me that a long time ago." "Give me the bag, please." "You're being so stupid." " Please give me the bag." " Don't you see how great this is?" " Don't you see how great this is?" " Yes!" "Don't run away from me." "Sweetie." "You don't wanna talk to me now?" "You're gonna run home?" "Please go home, okay?" "I'm goin' home." "I don't know what I'm doing wrong." "I'm a nice Jewish kid from Brooklyn." "These kind of things shouldn't be happening to me." "It shouldn't be this hard for me." "But that's life." "One second we're having such a good time, we're falling in love." "Then the next second, out of the blue, she drops this shit on me." "I should just forget about women, stay home and play with myself." " You told her you loved her?" " Yeah." "So?" "So what are you, a fucking retard?" "Jesus, that's why she dumped your sorry ass." "She was just looking to fuck, and you gotta throw the "love" at her screw the whole thing up." "I'm not a retard, all right?" "And I do love her, man." "When are you gonna start thinking rock star and acting rock star?" " Hold on." " What?" "Let's just take it slow, okay?" "I want you." "Don't you wanna talk?" "Let's talk." "Well, yeah, I mean" " But I only have an hour for lunch, so" "We can talk, but" "What?" "You don't love me, Griff." " Yes, I do." " No, you don't." " What are you talking about?" " You don't love anybody." " What do you mean, I don't?" " You use people." "You used me." "You used your wife." " What do you mean, I "use people"?" " You use everybody." "That's the way the world works." "People use each other." "They take from each other what they need to make them happy." "You use me to make you happy." "I use you to make me happy." "You've gotta give back a little bit sometimes." "I don't give back at all?" "I told you that I love you, that I'd leave my wife for you." "I sent you flowers last week." "What are you talking about?" " What are you doing?" "Come here." " I gotta go." "This is the same old shit, and I'm sick of it." "You're sick of what?" "What exactly are you sick of?" "Why is it the same old shit?" "I told you things were gonna change." "What are you talking about?" " Is this about what's-his-name?" " His name is Ben." "Well, is this" " Fuck Ben!" "Fuck you!" "And fuck you too!" "Wait a minute." "Come here." "Unbelievable." "Hilary and I have something we'd like to say to both of you." "First, we would like to apologize for the way we've behaved." "Yeah." "You both know our relationship has been a mess and that we've each screwed up pretty badly." "And I know you know what I'm talking about." "But we've decided to, you know, go to therapy and save our marriage." "And everything's better, much better now." "We're working on my void." "Yeah." "Harry's gonna sell the property upstate and the logs and the power tools." "And Hilary's getting a new gynecologist one she promises not to fornicate with." "And that's about it." "How are you guys doing?" "You know, we're doing good." "Right?" "I mean" " So what do you think about that?" " About what?" "About doing what Harry and Hilary did, going to a marriage counselor?" "Do you think I'm a fucking moron?" "How long have you been cheating on me?" "Wait." "Honey, wait." " Look, I love you." " No, you don't love me." "Love means respecting and caring about someone." "It doesn't mean sneaking around and fucking some slut!" "Shut up, okay?" "I want someone who's gonna love me and who thinks I'm great and who'll make me feel beautiful and who will wanna hold me, the way you used to." "But not now when you think I'm a nuisance if I want to make love or even talk." "I'm fucking tired of it." "I know you're having an affair." "But it's over and I want a divorce." "Wait a minute." "Wait." "And to answer your question no, I would not describe it as big." "I didn't even know I was gonna do it, but I went with it." "I just said, "What the hell," and I said it and I've never felt so good." "I didn't even know what I was gonna do, but I just felt relief like this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders." "I felt so good." "You're looking for Tommy?" "Sure, come on in." "Is he here?" "Well, you see, Tommy did live here, but he doesn't live here anymore." "He moved out about a week ago." "You must be Maria." "Yeah." "You must be" "The man who taught him everything he knows." "I kind of have something really important to tell him." " Do you have his new address?" " Yeah, I do have his new address." "But can I offer you a drink?" "No, thank you." "I really" "Does he live around here?" "You hungry or want to listen to some Montovani, or something like that?" "No, thank you." "The address will be fine." "All right." "I'll give you his address, but if it doesn't work out with the kid well, you know where to find me." "You just have to ask yourself one simple question:" "Do you want to sit up on the porch with the pup or do you wanna run in the yard with the big dog?" "The address, please." "That would be great." "You got it." " Carpo." " You got it." "Carpo." "What are you doing here?" "I got your address from Carpo." "I wanted to tell you something." "Regarding what?" "Us, I guess." "Look, I gotta be honest with you." "I mean, I can't say that I'm really so interested anymore." "You know?" "I mean, it's just" "After I saw you at the video store and you asked me to call you..." "I called you a bunch of times and I never heard back from you, again." "Yeah, I wanted to" "I don't know, apologize for that." " I'm sorry for not calling you." " Look, I'm sorry too." "So what is so important that you needed to talk to me?" "I wanted to tell you that I'm leaving." "I got this out-of-town job teaching." "It's great." "I'm leaving." "I'm moving." "That's it." "I don't know what to say." "I guess, good luck?" "Yeah." "Thank you." "I'll see you around." "Yeah." "Or maybe not, right?" "Good luck." "I just realized I don't even know your last name." "It's Reilly." "What about you?" "Tedesco." "We probably should have gotten that out of the way a little earlier." " Yeah." " Good luck." "Yeah, you too." "Take care." "So why didn't you tell Tommy you're pregnant with his baby?" "I showed up at his door." "I was gonna ring the buzzer and go up there and, you know, tell him." "Then I realized I didn't know his last name." "I didn't know what buzzer to press." "Reality is that we were supposed to have a one-night stand." "It went a little awry." "I got pregnant." "But that doesn't mean that we should be together." "It was weird when she showed up at my apartment to tell me she was moving out of town." "I don't know what that was about." "What's with you?" "I'm tired of looking at your sour puss." "What's my horoscope say for today?" ""Today would be a good day to get up off your ass and admit that you're a coward and make up with the special someone who'll make you very happy. "" "Does it really say that?" "Does it matter?" "What are you doing here?" " Do you hate me?" " No." "No, just the opposite." " Do you hate me?" " No, I don't hate you." " Do you love me?" " Yes." "Every night I'm crying." "I can't eat." "I'm sorry." "You gotta eat." "I love you." "You know that?" "You know, you paid for an hour." "Is there anything else you want me to do?" "Would you mind doing the dishes?" " Fuck you." " Wait." "I'm only kidding." "Come here." "I'm only kidding." "You wanna stay and talk for a little bit?" "No." "It's okay." "Just call him up and ask him out." "Maybe I should just wait until I show him an apartment." "Why would you wait?" "What's his number?" "I'm not gonna call him now." "Yes, you are." "What's his number?" "You are not gonna call him." "Give me the number." "If you really want me to call, I'll call him." "Do it." "Thomas Reilly." " It's Annie." " Annie?" " Annie who?" " Annie from the real estate office." " Yeah." "Hey, how you doin'?" " Good." "How are you?" "I'm good." "I meant to call you last week because I found an apartment through a buddy of mine." "So I'm not gonna need to look at any more spaces." "Well, you know, what's up?" "Well, I was just wondering" "I had this really great apartment that I really wanted to show you." "But if you've already found a place, then that's okay." "I'll talk to you soon." "What the hell was that?" "I just didn't feel right about it." "You're such a wimp." "I'm gonna call him." "No, don't call him." "Please." "I'll call him later, I promise." "Thomas Reilly." "It's Annie again." "Listen, the real reason I was calling is..." "I wanted to know if you would go to dinner with me on Saturday night." "What happened with your husband?" " Are you still with him?" " No." "He was an asshole." "And he has a small dick." "All right." "Well, in that case, yeah." "I'd love to go out to dinner." "Great." "I'll call you Friday." "Gotta go." "Call him Friday." "The date's on Saturday." "Yeah!" "After you get divorced, it's like you never think you'll fall in love again." "You never think you'll find this kind of love." "I look back on my relationship with Griffin and I realize definitely that I was in a bad place at the time." "Very bad." "But if I didn't go through that, I might not be ready for this." "There are no wrong choices." "As long as you have the faith to make a choice then it's gotta be right, no matter where it leads you." " I chose wisely, I think." "Right?" " I think so too." " Is that all you need?" " Is that okay?" "Well, after I got over the initial shock..." "I knew I wanted this baby." "Everyone was telling me I shouldn't do it but I'm tired of listening to everyone else telling me what to do." "I did the marriage thing." "I'm not gonna wait around for someone." "I already have someone." "So, it wasn't much of a decision." "What?" "What else do you wanna know?" "Is there anything else you wanna know?" "What I don't like about love or sex?" "Is that what you wanna know?" "Forget it." "I never thought I'd be the kind of person to get divorced." "I grew up with these ideas of love everlasting but I guess these things happen." "And I just feel excited about getting on with the rest of my life." "I feel hopeful." "I feel relieved, very relieved." "I was really sick of him, really." "I don't know." "I don't think anybody has any of the answers to any of this." "Sex and love, it's all so complex." "If we had answers, all of us would be in these great relationships but so few of us are." "We're all searching for that thing and we have so much trouble finding it but, who knows, maybe that's part of the fun of the whole thing."