"So I pulled my limo into the gas station, and then I realized my tank was on the other side, so I had to back it out, which is hard because it's a stretch." "Which is an industry term for long." "Charlie!" "I know we have a no hitting rule, but am I allowed to hit myself to stay awake?" "Nolan, we all care about you and we know you love being a chauffer" "How did you know that word?" "Are you in the industry?" "No, but I am on the planet." "Look, we're thrilled for you, but we'd love to hear about another aspect of your life." "Well, I did have an incident with some clowns once" " that really upset me." " Go for it." "Well, I drove some clowns to the circus yesterday." "Unfortunately, there were only three." "It took them almost no time to get out of the limo." " That's a limo story." " I see it as a clown story." "I see you as a clown story." "Moving on." "Patrick..." "Wednesday is your interview at "Vogue."" "That's a big opportunity for you, isn't it?" "Actually, I'm not going to be able to make it." "Somebody gave me some really good tickets to a sports game." "Ah, yes, the great American pastime, sports game." "It's baseball, okay?" "Oh, yeah?" "Who's playing?" "Uh, Atlanta and..." "Just pick any city." "Milan?" "Patrick, why are you dodging this interview?" "( sighs ) Because it's a waste of time." "They're not gonna hire me." "Besides, I'm happy selling clothes at the mall." "You hate selling clothes at the mall." "Actually, it's grown on me." "The unwashed masses." "The fluorescent lighting." "Fat women trying on dresses with their Cinnabon-covered fingers." "I love it!" "Can we please move on?" "Oh, my God, last night I woke up from a dream where I ate an entire box of Cinnabons." "But it's okay, because then I went back to sleep and dreamt that I was throwing them up." "Well, at least you're not starving yourself in your dreams." "Cool." "Patrick, a couple of weeks ago you were fighting tooth and nail to get this interview, and now you're just blowing it off." " What the hell happened?" " Nothing." "I just thought about it and I realized" "I'm not "Vogue" material." "Okay, okay, this sounds like a self-esteem issue." "The last time we were in this territory, it seemed connected to" "Don't say my mom." "It's not my mom." "It has nothing to do with my mom." "Okay, well, then we can cross mom off the list." "Hey." "Time's up." "I got to go." "We're not done talking about this." "See you all next Thursday." "Hey, Charlie, can you give me a ride to the mechanic?" "Uh, sure." "What's the problem?" "The electrical system went out on my car again." "It's this damn... car that I bought." "I don't want to get into it in front of Ed." "Why don't you want to get into it in front of me?" "Is it because you bought an American car and now you're about to insult American workmanship?" "Well, you're into it with Ed." "I'll go grab my keys." "You're the one who started this, not me." "Kids like you got no idea of patriotism." "I drove American cars my whole life." "Drove or pushed?" "You know, you're nothing but a little punk." "Yeah, Sean, he's right." "You're a dick." "That's young person for punk." "Why are you taking Ed's side?" "You don't even like him." "Because you're a lying son of a bitch who cheated on me and never apologized." "And also that car thing." "Come on!" "Let's do this thing!" "I'm not going to fight you, Ed." "Why not?" "You think I'm too old to kick your ass?" "Well, I'd like to introduce you to Lee Marvin and Charles Bronson." "I have no idea who those people are." "Charles Bronson?" ""Death Wish"?" "Sorry." ""Death Wish 2."" "Honestly, I don't know this man." ""Death Wish 3."" "Right." "Yeah." "Oh, the third one." "Yeah, he was scary." "Don't you patronize me!" "I've got a good mind to clean your clock right now, but I've got an appointment with the VA that took me 17 months to get and I'm not giving that up for anybody." "( clears throat )" "You better watch your back." "Ed's coming for ya." "I don't have to watch my back." "I'll just listen for wheezing and I'll slowly turn around." "(thememusicplaying)" "Hey,guys." "Jordan, I thought you were coming by yourself." "No, we're going to this French art house movie as soon as we're done with whatever you need me for." "What's up?" "I'm having a private session with Patrick tonight and I could use your help, but if you guys are going to the movies..." "No, no, no, no." "We don't have to go to the movies." " She'll help." " I thought you wanted to go the the movie." "I love subtitled, animated," "French musicals." "But let's not be selfish just because we're both dying to see, "Le Petit Cat."" "Thank you, Sean." "So, what do you want me to do?" "Well, I want to try some role-playing therapy." "Patrick is having some confidence issues and it might have something to do with his mother." "What makes you think that?" "Mostly because he jumped off my couch today screaming, "It's not about my mother!"" "Got it." "So you want me to play his mom." "Oh, that sounds like fun." "I'll be the dad." "Yeah, I don't need you to play the dad." "Why don't you play le petit neighbor who goes back to his house where he belongs?" "Quick question for you." "Is Patrick from Boston?" "Because I can do a wicked "Bahston" accent." "You hear the way I just said "Bahston"?" "It was perfect." "We're not putting on a play here." "And even if we were, that's a terrible accent." "It's "Bahston."" "Ah, you might want to trust me." "It's "Bahston." It's wicked hard to do." " "Bahston."" " It's "Bahston."" " No, no, no." "It's "Bahston."" " No, it's "Bahston."" " "Bahston." "Bahston."" " It's "Bahston."" " She said" " You're not playing the dad!" " Patrick:" "Charlie?" " That's him." "Let's go." "( exhales ) Okay." " Sean." " Yes?" "You step one foot in that living room," "I will give you a wicked "hahd" beatdown." "Hey, Patrick." "Why don't you sit down and we'll talk about what we're doing tonight?" "What is she doing here?" "We are going to do a little role-playing to help you understand why you're blowing off this amazing opportunity." "I'm gonna be your mother." "Now sit up straight." "You'll never catch a man with that slouch." "That's what my mother would say." "My mother would never say that." " What would she say?" " She wouldn't." "It's 8:30, she's already had three glasses of her special vodka lime juicy and she's face down on the kitchen floor." "Well, if her not being there for you made you feel unworthy and not entitled to pursue your dream job, you should tell her how you feel." "You know, there is something I need to get off my chest." " Mom." " Yes, Pattycakes?" "I really hate role-playing." "Charlie, the fact that I'm not qualified for the "Vogue" job has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my mother thought of vodka as the child that never disappointed her." "I'm out of here." "( Bostonian accent ) Hey, hey, you get back in here, boy, and you listen to your mother." "Sorry, Charlie, as a father," "I did the best I could." "You can leave now." "You still have time to make it to "Le Petit Cat."" "Oh, damn it." "Hey, Ed." " I need your help." " All right." "Nobody takes you serious because you're always coming out of your top." "You're welcome." "Um, no." "I told Sean that you would fight him and I need you to do it." "Oh, give me a break." "I'm not gonna fight Sean." "He's half my age." "And besides, I'm not gonna risk anything happening to my money maker." "Come on, Ed." "You're young and vital." "And if you hit him hard enough, maybe you can break up some of those calcium deposits in your knuckles." "Why is this so important to you?" "The man cheated on you a year ago." " Just let it go." " I can't." "Haven't you ever been in a situation where somebody humiliated you and you just keep wishing you could go back and get even?" "Yeah, Vietnam." "Okay, you have Vietnam, I have Sean cheated on me." "We've both been through stuff." "Look, I'd like to kick the hell out of him, but I just can't." "Yeah, I guess not." "But if we both pitch in, we could hire somebody off of craigslist to do it for us." "All right, but you better vet him carefully." "I once hired a Korean massage girl from that thing for a neck rub and she molested me." "I'm sorry?" "All right, before we begin," "I believe that Cleo has an announcement he'd like to make." "Thank you, Charlie." "As you all know, I recently started a drama department." "Everybody's always saying I'm drama, drama, drama, so I started a department." "And our opening season is going to be Shakespeare." "Well, that's great." "Now, is this going to be real Shakespeare?" "'Cause I didn't recognize some of the titles on the flier." ""Henry Pleads the Fifth."" ""Romeo In Joliet."" "And "As You Lick It."" "Well, that last one is a typo." "Is should read "Ass, You Lick It."" "Anyway, I cast my first lead in the role of Hamlet." "So I'd like to congratulate Ernesto." "Yes!" "I knew it." "( applauding )" "Well, you did kill your stepfather when you were a teenager, so I guess it makes sense." "Ooh, do that thing you did at the audition where Hamlet stabs Claudius." "I need a moment to center." "( exhales )" "Venom, to thy work." "Pop, pop, pop!" "And stay down, bitch!" "I'm playing with the language." "Yes, when doing Shakespeare, one's always encouraged to play with the language." "I'm serious about my acting, Charlie." "I even asked the guards if I could go back to the house I grew up in to remember those feelings of murder and rage so I could better entertain people." "Ernesto, you're a genius." "( chuckles ) I don't know about a genius." "I'm talking about taking another client of mine back to the house where he grew up so he can confront some childhood memories." "Ooh, so who did this person kill?" "'Cause I'm looking for the lead in my next play," ""Tight-Ass Andronicus."" "Yeah, I'm sure you are." "I just got to figure out a way to get him there." "I got it." "Just take some chloroform and knock him out." "Duct tape his feet to his head and throw him in your trunk." "Or we could spend two extra minutes and think of anything else." "All right, read back what we got so far." "Okay." ""Looking for a man to severely beat our therapist's friend."" "Sound good?" "No!" "We're both gonna go to jail." "You've got to be more cryptic." "I'll put severely beat in quotes." "That can mean anything." "You are "dumb as a post."" "I put dumb as a post in quotes, but you're still dumb as a post." "You can't put an ad like that online." "Why not?" "This is America." "We have, like, freedom of speech." "The only thing you're not allowed to say is fire in a crowded theater." "Which is stupid because what if there's a fire or the movie is about fire?" "Damn it, you just gave me a reason why we can't do this." "No, it's okay." "I took out the part where I said I was going to light him on fire." "I'm just saying this is America and Sean has a right to say anything he wants to say, even if it trashes our country." "But he cheated on me, Ed." "Isn't that un-American?" "No, that's as American as it gets." "I mean, he had something good and wanted more." "That's the American dream." "Wait, did you just say I was something good?" "Well, I've been drinking a lot of these IPAs." "Must have got to me." "Come on, did you really mean it?" "Well, sure." "I don't know why you're wasting another second on this imbecile." "You are a strong-willed spitfire." "You deserve a lot more." "Just move on." "I don't know what that means, but I feel like it's the nicest thing you've ever said to me." "It is." "But don't tell anybody." "This is weird, Charlie." "Well, I felt bad about sandbagging you the other night with the whole role-playing thing, so I thought, what the hell, I'll hire a limo and take you to see "Book of Mormon."" "You know, people always think I'm a Mormon." "They're always saying, "Watch where you're going, you Mormon."" "Don't eat that, you Mormon."" "They're not saying Mormon." "They're saying moron, you moron." "You mean I could have eaten, then?" "I don't know." "I'm sorry." "This feels like a trick." "I got to tell you, I'm a little offended by that." "Okay, we're here." "Wait, this-- this is where I grew up." "Okay, it was a trick." ""The Book of Mormon" tickets are for tomorrow." "It's at Eagle Rock High." "It starts at 7:00." "Or whenever they get the volleyball net down." "What do you think I'm gonna do?" "Go in there and have some big catharsis?" "Well, forget it." "It's just a house." "It has no meaning to me whatsoever." "Well, then there's no reason to avoid it." "Let's just go in there and check it out." "I can't right now because I've forgotten how to breathe." "Okay." "Okay, relax, Patrick." "You're having a panic attack." "Think of a happy place." ""The Book of Mormon."" "A professional production." "Another happy place under $300." "Nolan, you got any booze in here?" "No." "The last guy drank it all." "And don't ask me who it was, Mr. DiCaprio, because I'm not allowed to say who my clients are." "Damn it." "I can't catch my breath." "I'm gonna die 30 feet away from where I grew up." "I've done nothing with my life." "Patrick, relax." "This feeling is not going to last forever." "Especially if you take a couple hits off of this." "Nolan, I am not going to get one of my patients high." "You give it to him." "Whoa,beforehe hits thatthing, just how strong is this stuff, Nolan?" "Well, it's called OG Kush." "And he's gonna feel some euphoria along with a decrease in stress and anxiety." "Oh, cool." "Go for it." "Possibly followed by some hallucinations." "No, no, stop, Patrick, stop." "Too late." "( coughs )" "( exhales )" "All right, let's do this." "You feel okay to go in?" "You've asked me that, like, 30 times." "That's the first time I've asked you that." "Why are you so obsessed with who is first and last?" "It is not a race." "Let's just be." "(doorbellrings)" "Can I help you?" "Yeah, hi, I'm Charlie." "This is my friend Patrick." "He used to live here and he'd love to come in and take a look around." "He's trying to cope with a devastating loss." "It's true." "I was supposed to be at "The Book of Mormon."" "Look, I got things to do and I don't have all day for him to look around my house." "But if you want to come in for a minute, that's fine." "Thank you so much." "Your top is really freaking me out." "Can I get either of you a glass of water?" "That would be great." "Thank you." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Okay." "Okay." "You're having an emotional reaction to your surroundings." "Tell me what you're feeling." "This couch is terrible." "It doesn't match anything." "It's too big for the room." "I think that woman is crazy." "Do not drink the water." "Patrick, it's okay." "It's just weird being in your childhood home when you're high." "And I'd know." "That was the first 18 years of my life." " Here we go." " Thank you." "If you set it down, there's a coaster on the table." "Oh, really?" "I need to use a coaster when I put a glass on a table?" "I had no idea because I'm stupid!" "She would never tell Carl to use a coaster." "He's the smart one." "I'm gonna go to the window and look at the squirrels." "Maybe I'll learn something." "What is he talking about?" "Who the hell is Carl?" "I have a gun." "Don't think I'm not strapped in my own house." "Carl is his brother." "He's on a mild sedative and I think he's imagining that he's a kid again and that you're his mom." "He thinks I'm his mom?" "Has he seen me?" "Mild sedative, my ass." "That boy is tripping." "Please,justgiveus acoupleof minutes." "I'll make sure he uses a coaster." "I'll tell him it's a tiny table for his water." "Okay, fine." "I'm gonna give you two more minutes, and then I'm gonna shoot you both." "Fair enough." "Hey, bro." "It's Carl, your brother." "What's up with Mom undermining your confidence by saying that I'm the smart one?" "Charlie, stop it." "You're scaring me." "I'm sorry." "I thought that by playing your brother," "I'd get you to open up even more." "I knew what you were doing." "I'm not stupid." "God!" "Take Mom's side!" "Mom's side?" "So right now I'm your..." "Therapist." "Charlie, if you can't figure out who you are," "I shouldn't be under your care." "Okay, look, we've only got a minute." "I think I heard Mom loading a gun in the other room." "The reason you're avoiding this interview with "Vogue"" "is because your mother made you feel like you're the dumb one." "Yeah, but she complimented me, too." "She said I was the pretty one." "Patrick, you can be good-looking and smart." "I mean, hello." "I don't know." "You can get this job." "You are smart enough to write about shoes and purses." "I swear that was meant as a compliment." " Do you really think so?" " Absolutely." "Now let's get the hell out of here." "I forgot to use a coaster." "Lacey." "Ed." "Want to tell me why you both look so incredibly hungover?" "Probably because we're incredibly hungover." "He came over to my house last night and we had a few drinks." "No!" "This is my nightmare." "I am living my nightmare." "All this "will they, won't they" tension year after year has finally come to this?" "Relax, idiot." "We just talked all night and had a few drinks." "Oh, my God, it's worse than I thought." "If it was just physical, I could look the other way." "But, no, it's a connection." "Nolan, Nolan, as entertaining as it is for me to let you believe that Ed is Lacey's boo... you don't have anything to worry about." "That said, what were you guys doing last night?" "Well, I was having a few beers and she was going on and on about old boyfriends and fears and anxieties." "You never talk about any of that stuff in here." "That's your fault." "You never let me drink." "Because the last time I let you, you stabbed Nolan with a nail file." "And the time before that you stabbed him with a-- you know what?" "I am not gonna have this talk again." "Hey." "There he is." "So, how'd the interview go?" "Fantastic." "I crushed it." "Well, that's great." "Yup." "They basically offered me the job in the room." "Hence the euphoria and uncontrollable dancing." "There was just one condition." "I had to take a drug test." "Oh, that's a problem." "THC stays in the system for up to six days." "I know that now, thank you very much." "You seem a little tense." "I know what you need." "I will kill you, Nolan." "Look, Patrick, don't get too down." "Once in a lifetime opportunities like that happen all the time." "Charlie, you have an ice pack?" "Yeah, in the kitchen." "What the hell happened to you?" "( sighs )" "I was leaving the club and some guy came up to me and told me he was from craigslist and he punched me in the face." "Okay, so just what did you guys do?" "Uh, nothing." "But it is possible that when I blacked out my face hit the keyboard and I hit enter." "God bless America."