"Hello Nicholas." " Hello Sergeant." "How's the hand?" " Still a bit stiff." "It can get awfully scary out there.I am surprised that you hadn't stepped up sooner for a nice desk job,that's what i do." " I prefer that my office is out in the street." "Indeed you do." "Your arrest record is 400% higher than any other officer." "Which is why it's high time that such skills were put to better use." "We are making you Sergeant." " I see." "In Sandford, Gloucesterchire." " In where,sorry?" "In Sandford, Gloucesterchire." " That is in the country." "Yes,perfect." "Isn't there a sergeant's position, here in London?" "No." " Can I remain here as a PC?" "No." " Do I have any choice in this?" "No." "Sergeant, I kind of like it here." " Well you've always wanted to transfer to the country." "In 20 years or so ,yes.." " Well I knew." "I don't remember telling you that." " Yes you did, you said:" "I'd like to settle down in the country sometime Janine." "I'd like to talk to the Inspector." " You can speak to the inspector, but" "I can promise you he will tell you exactly the same thing as I have." "Hello Nicholas." "How's the hand?" " It's still a bit stiff." "And how are things at home?" " I am sorry sir?" "How's Janine?" "We are no longer together Sir" "Well,then where are you living?" " He is staying in the section house Sir." "With the recruits?" " Yes, he is living out of cardboardboxes." "Well then you are packed already." "Nicholas we are offering a smashing position, with a delightful cottage and a lovely little place that I think has won village of the year I don't know how many times." "It'll be good for you." "I don't really know what to say." " Yes?" "Yes,thank you?" "No, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to.." " You wanna take this higher?" "Yes, yes I do." "You want me to bother the Chief Inspector for this?" "Yes." "You want me to get the Chief Inspector to come all the way down here?" "Yes I do." "Well ok." "Kenneth." " Hello Nicholas." "How's the hand?" "Still a bit stiff." " Chief Inspector" "Please seat." "Now, I know what you're going to say,but the fact is you've been making us all look bad." " I am sorry Sir?" "Of course we all appreciate your efforts,but you've been wrong letting sides down." "It's all about being a team player,Nicholas." " You can't be the Sheriff of London." "If we let you carry on running around in town,you'll continue to be exceptional." "And we can't have that.You'll put us all out of our job." "With respect Sir,you can't just make people disappear." "Yes I can." "I am the Chief Inspector." "well, how ever you spin this,there's one thing you haven't taken into account." "And that's what the team is gonna make of this." "Hello!" " Jenine, It's me." "I know." "I am at work." "I know." "I am outside." "What's the situation?" " You know the situation.We've been over this." "No, I mean here." " Two people involved, seems might have been a struggle,complete mess." " Do you want to talk to me out here?" "Nicholas,what do you want?" " Well, I have something important to tell you, and I didn't want to do it over the phone." "Janine, I've been transferred.I'm moving away for a while." "I am not Jenine." "Janine,I've been transferred.I'm moving away for a while." "I know, Bob told me." "Well, I wanted to tell you in person." "There is no reason we can't conversate with each other.It's not that long ago we were talking about getting married." "yes, but you were already married with the Force,weren't you?" "we are actually supposed to call it the Service now," "Official Vocab Guideline stated that Force is too agressive." "See?" "I's only ever about the job,it's all you care about." "That's not true." "No, you're right.Do have that preppy plant." "It is Japanese Peace Lilly." " You just can't switch off Nicholas." "And until you find a person you care abut more than your job,you never will." "besides, you were the one that suggested we take a break." "Yes, well guilty people are for make the first move." "Actually,there is something I need to tell you." " You are seeing someone else." "Yeah." "How did you...?" " Is it Bob?" "No." "Does Bob look like the kind of person I go out with?" "It's Dave." "Hello there!" "I see." "Oh Nicholas." "You do realize that window is broken from the inside." "Hello there Nicholas." "Frank Butterman here." "Your new Inspector." "I just call with details of your accommodation." "You've got your lovely little cottage on Spencerhill.Look forward to meeting you along.Cheerio." "Nicholas, Frank again.One other thing about your cottage, it's not ready." "It would appear the heavens have opened." "I was hoping to check in." "Check in?" "But you've always been here." "Excuse me?" "Oh I'm sorry, I thought you were my husband.You must be Sergeant Angel." "Yes, I am." "I am Joyce Cooper." "I trust you had a pleasant trip." "Fascist." "I beg your pardon?" " System of Government characterized by extreme dictatorship. 7 across." " Oh, I see." "I's fascism." "Fascism, wonderful." "We'll put you in the Castle suite.Bernie will escort you up there." "Actually, I could probably make my own way up." "Hag." " i beg your pardon?" "Evil old woman considered frigthfull or ugly.it's 12 down." "Oh bless you." ""Castle Suite "" "A lager please, Mary." "Yes Sir,what can I get you?" "Could I have a glass of the cranberry juice please." "certainly." "You wouldn't by any chance be the new police man?" "Police Officer.Yes.I am Nicholas Angel." "I am Roy Porter, this is my wife,Mary." "Mary.Welcome to Sandford." "anything you need just let us know." " Thank you." "Can I borrow your newspaper?" " It's not ours." "We are not big fans of the local fictioneers,are we Mar?" "They listed our ages of 55." "we are now actually 53." " 53." "Another lager please,Mary." " Right, you all right luv." ""Sandford Citizen"" ""It is illegal to serve alcohol to persons under 18."" "Excuse me." "What?" "When's your birthday?" " 22 of February." "What year?" "every year." "Get out.Hey." "When's your birthday?" " 8 May 1969." "You are 37?" " Yeah." "get out." "When's your birthday?" "Out." "Is there a problem officer?" " Yes there is Mr. Porter." "It would appear a number of your patrons are underage." "Well, they could be a month or two younger,but if they're in here, it stops them from getting into trouble out there .It is this way we see it.It's all for the greater good." "The greater good." " well,if that's as may be but the law is the law and they will have to go." "Another cranberry juice?" " I'm fine, thank you." ""Fountain restoration completed in the 1993 with thanks to:"" "I hope you're not planning on driving that." "No." "Right, I'm taking you to the station." "Where is it?" "Khm." "what?" "Nicholas Angel." "When did you start?" " Tomorrow." "Oh,I see you've already arrested the whole village." " Not exactly." "You're in for the night?" "Go Ahead, 4th suit." " I need to speak to him." "ayy,he will be here for you to see in the morning." " I see." "Do you really want to process all this lot?" "My pen's running low." " Not a problem." "Morning Sergeant." " Good morning." "Morning Sergeant." " Good morning." "Good morning Sergeant." "Lock me up." " i am sorry?" "I am a slasher.I must be stopped." " You're a what?" "A slasher of persons." "Just kidding." "I am Simon Skinner." "I run the local supermarket." "Do drop in and see me sometime." "My discounts are criminal,catch me later." "Morning Sergeant." "Morning Sergeant." "Could you tell the inspector i've arrived,please?" "No." "Why?" "He's not in here." "Well,how's our guest?" " Guest?" "In cell 4." "I don't know." "Nobody tells me nothing." "Can i get a cellphone please?" " Not any." "He's gone." "Oh my god." "Who's gone?" "Why are you dressed like a police officer?" "Because I am one." "Ah,Sergeant Angel.At last." "Frank Butterman." "I see you already met my boy." " yes." "Do forgive me I am something of a wild-west nut." "Speaking of which,there were a fair few outlaws you rounded up last night" "Thank you Sir." "I admire your enthusiasm, far be it from me to stamp on your flare,but this isn't London.Oh yes please, Danny." "With respect sir,geographical location shouldn't factor in the application of the law." "No thank's." "statistically Sandford is the safest village in the country." "But that doesn't mean that it requires anything less than a careful and considerate approach." "There is a reason we accomodate a few of the younglings in the pub." "The greater good." " The greater good,precisely." "Your predecessor assumed that rural policing was easy." "ended up having a nervous break-down.And Sergeant Popwell was an exceptional officer.truly exceptional." "And he had one thing you haven't got." " What's that Sir?" "locker room." "Riot room." "Evidence room." "Now how 'bout a trip to the Andies?" "Detective Sergeant Wainright and Detective Constable Cockram." "Don't get up." "I expect you're wondering why we call them Andies." "They're both called Andrew?" " They said that you were good." "Also because ....." "them up and struggles in it,Dad." "Thank you,Danny." "swearbox." "All proceeds to the church roof." "And this is ,where it all happens." "That is Sergeant Tony Fisher, PC Walt Walker," "And that is a Saxon." "And this is one Doris Fletcher." " She's our only policewoman." "She is not a policewoman." " Yes she is, I've seen her bra." "she is a police officer,being a woman has nothing to do with it." "A hardy comes in handy every so often" "I could have given you the tour." "I've been around the station a few times." "And what's upstairs?" "well,well,well I see we have visitors." "Nicholas, this is Tom Weaver." "Civilian liaison for the Neighborhood Watch Alliance.You'll find that we run a very tight shift here." "From this command center, I can see what the whole village is up to." "I must say I was rather admiring your hardy work last night,it's a pity you couldn't do the same to those bloody hoodies,hanging around loitering," "Actually I did notice some minor graffiti on the fountain." "Graffiti?" "They gotta be dealt with Frank." "They're nippers Tom, they will come around." "Which reminds me, our old friend the living statue was here Saturday." "11 o'clock, 12 o'clock, 1 o'clock, 2 o'clock." "If we don't come down hard on these clowns,we are gonna be up to our balls in jugglers." "we'll get right on to it Tom." "We like to let them think they run the place." " Well, tha's that." "Unless there's anything you're unclear about." "Yes Sir." "Why is everybody eating chocolate cake?" "The black porisgatto is on Danny,his punishment for his little indiscretion." "Sir, I don't think driving under the influence,can be called a little indiscretion." "No.The gatto is for misplacing his helmet the other week." "Last nights incident will require something rather more serious." " Good." "Do you like ice cream?" " I'm sorry sir, I don't follow." "Let's just say we won't be short of junky-munky for the next month." "God." "Now, since it's your first day and it's 11:30, I'd say that's lunch." "So, what made you choose Sandford then ,Sergeant Angel?" "It wasn't actually my choice." "Oh, right ,right, not your choice to come down here and tell me how to do my job, our jobs." "Look i can assure you that it wasn't my intention to upset the applicant." "Yeah. 'Cause we all sell apples round here, don't we?" "But Dad sells apples, Andie." " And raspberrys." "you can't wait to jump into Sergeant Popwell's grave." "I'm not jumping into anyones grave." "You got a mustache." "I know." "Why do you keep wearing stab vest for ?" "It's a requirement." "In the city maybe." "But nobody is gonna stab you here Sergeant." "Not member of the public anyway." "Have you been stabbed Sergeant Fisher?" "No." " Well I have." "And I can assure you it is not the least bit amusing." "you've seen a lot of action Sergeant Angel?" " I've experienced my fair share, yes." "Cook any falls?" " Excuse me?" "Did you shoot anybody?" "He shot a crackhead with a kalashnitkov." "Where did you get that?" " The offender had the kalashnitkov." "Where did he get that?" "You do know that there are more guns in the country than in the city?" "Everybody and their Mum's is packing round here." " Like who?" "Farmers." " Who else?" "Farmer's mums." "What is it like being stabbed?" " It was the single most painful experience of my life." "What was the second most painful?" "You've ever fired two guns whilst jumping through the air?" "No." "You've ever fired one gun whilst jumping through the air?" "No." "you ever been in a high speed pursue?" "Yes I have." "have you ever fired a gun whilst in high speed pursue?" "No." ""No more than one schoolchild at any time "" "That's Sergeant Angel coming into your shop." "What about Lethal Weapon?" " No." "You seen Die Hard 2?" " No." "Bad Boys 2?" " No." "You ain't seen Bad Boys 2?" "Hell of a day,huh?" " Yep." "We get some more tomorrow?" " Yep." "Amanda Haborn.Head mistress of Sandford Primary." "How do you do Sergeant?" "Simon Skinner I believe you've met." " Oh, We are already firm friends." "Please,please come with me,will you." "This is Leslie Tiller." "Who's horticulture expertise has helped put Sandford on the map." "She is ever so good." " Oh go on." "This is James Reaper,who owns Banigan farm." "I hear you are quite a match." "Perhaps you might like to join us for shooting one day." "Well I haven't held a firearm for over 2 years Mr.Reaper, and I would kinda like to keep it that way it." "You will be popular among the local birds." "Hello,Reverend Shooter." "I want to ask you,would you read a homily at the Sunday service?" "That might be a little hypocritical of me Reverend." "Oh, you are an atheistic." "No, I am open to the concept of religion, i am just not entirelly convinced by it." "You are an Agnostic." " I think I have a cream for that." "Robin Patcher,our resident Doctor." " Hopefully we wont see too much of each other the coming months." "All that is to welcome you to the weekly meeting of the Neighborhood Watch Alliance." "Now quick announcement before beginning.Janet Barker has just given birth to twins." "So congratulations to her.Tom." " Thanks Joyce." "Now..." "I am sure that all you've noticed the return of the blood to our streets." "It is all the more disturbing, as the village of the year contest noons." "I refer of course to the extremely irritating living statue." "Police work is as much about preventing crime, as it is about fighting crime." "Most importantly, it's about procedural correcness , in the execution of the unquestionable moral authority." "Any questions?" "Yes?" "Is it true that there is a place in a mans head, that if you shoot it, it'll blow up?" "Hi,hi." "Tim Messenger." "Can I get a quick shot for the Sandford Citizen?" "How 'bout you put the teacher in handcuffs?" "I don't think it gives off the right signals." " Too cheesypie.Ok, I got you." "Give the little blond kid your hat." " I'd rather not." "Oh,wave your stick about." " No." ""The Cop Angle"" "Can I have your autograph please?" "For the breakfast." ""Top cock Angle... "" "Hey,that weren't me." "Morning Angle." " Morning Angle." "morning Angle." " Sergeant Angel." "Good morning." "The swans escaped." "The swans escaped?" "Yeah." "Right.And where has the swan escaped exactly?" "The castle." " oh yeah." "And who might you be?" "Yes Mister Staker we'll do everything we can." "Can you describe it?" "long slender neck orange and black bill" "Anything else?" "I's a swan." "It's gonna scare him." "No luck catching them swans then?" "I's just one swan actually." "You wan't anything from the shop?" " You've just been to the shop." "I'm thinking of a different shop." "Constable Butterman this is not the time for personal errands." "well,there's nothing going on is there?" "There is always something going on." "You have to look closer." "Alright?" "What about this guy?" "Mr. Treacher?" " Yeah, why has he got that big coat on?" "he can't be cold." "Why the extra..." "Maybe he's trying to hide something." "Mr. Treacher?" "Ok.what about this guy?" "Ask yourself,why has he got his hat fall down like that?" "he is fuck ugly." " Or he doesn't want us to see his face." "Because he is fuck ugly." "OK." "What's his story?" "Oh, that's lurch." " Go on" "He is a trolleyboy at the local supermarket." "Real name Michael Armstrong." "dad says he's got a child's mind." " ok." "He lives up Summer street with his mother and sister." "And are they as big as he is?" "Who?" "The mum and the sister?" " Same person." "What shop were you thinking of?" "Silente Rage." "Martial Arts master versus superhuman killingmachine." "Sergeant Angel to the Manager's Office." "Manager's Office Sergeant Angel." "Ah, Sergeant Angel." "Or is it Angle?" "Mr. Skinner a baby's sick in isle 6." "Please excuse." "Michael." " Yearp?" "Child vomit isle 6, mop it up." "Mr.Skinner is there a problem?" " No, no." "i simply wanted to say how lovely it is to see you supporting yourlocal store." "Well that's quite allright." "All too many are defected to the big megamarkt in Buford Abbey." "may their heads struck from their shoulders." "Yes, well i am on duty,so if you'll excuse me." "Of course." "I simply spied you loitering on organic produce and assumed you had time on your hands." "Well, maybe i am not the one you should be keeping an eye on." "That's the fridge magnet,he's name is George Merchant,made a fortune on kitchen goods." "Owns that monstrosity in Norris avenue." "Actually i wasn't talking about him." " Pardon?" "I was talking about him." "Ah." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Super cop." "Meet the cop that can't be stopped." "Trouble in High street." "Sergeant Angel is chasing.." "Roger." "Morning Sergeant." "You mothers" "Come on." "For the gardens?" "What's the matter Danny?" "Have you never taken a shortcut before?" "Hey." "Gimme that." "You don't have to say anything,or it may harm your defense" "Any thing you do say can be given to evidence." "Hello Donni." "Oh, Peter." "Do you know this man?" " He is Jackie's sister's brother's boy." "And it didn't occur to you to mention this before?" "I couldn't see his face,could I?" "Maybe the eyes." "Impressive card." "Shame Mr.Skinner doesn't want to press charges." "What do you mean doesn't want to press charges?" "I'm simply suggesting Peter be given a second chance." "Before he becomes just another crime statistic." "I am sure he is going to learn a valuable lesson." "Stealing biscuits is wrong?" " Correct." "Oh thanks." "And yet we respond by not taking a single punitive measure." "That's what make the cookie crumbles." " Right the biscuits, ain't it?" "Mr. Skinner..." " is everything all right?" "Well sir," "Mr. Skinner feels it would be better not to prosecute an individual, that has comitted a blatant offence." "Leave this with me." "I'll make sure everyone gets their justice at once." "27." " Have you ever seen Point Break?" "No." "Amazing group of surfers." " Don't tell me. 29." "Patrick Swayze's just robbed this bank." "Keanu Reeves's chasing him through people's gardens." "And he wants to shoot Swayze, but he can't 'cause he loves him so much." "And he's fireing his gun up in the air and goes like Ahhhhh." " 30." "have you ever fired your gun up in the air and gone Aaahhhh?" "No." "I have not ever fired my gun up in the air and gone Aaahhhh." "30." "Sorry." "I just feel like i am missing out sometimes." "I want to do what you do." " You do do what I do." "What on earth do you think you're missing out?" "Gun fights,car chases,proper action and shit." "Police work is not about proper action or shits." "29." " If you would've payed attention to me in school, you'd understand that it's not all about gunfights and carchases." "fire the roof" "That was brilliant." "Were i going a tad fast, officer?" " Yes, you were Mr. Blower." "Well, you see we are staging a hommage to William Shakespeare's drama Romeo and Juliet" "I am a little late for dress rehersal.I am playing the eponymous hero." "Romeo, not Juliet." "What are you writing?" " Everything you are saying." "I might... need to reffer to it later." " Now Officer,I am a respected solicitor so there is no need to...would you stop writing." "Look, I am merely trying to explain why I might have exceeded the speed limit." "You are playing the mail lead in hommage to William Shakespeare's Romeo and juliet." "and you are late for the dress rehersal.You think this is sufficien reason to travel at 48 in a 30 zone?" " Well.." "The flat speed limits were specifically emplaced to save lives." "This is preposterous." " Preposterous." "look, stop writing." " Stop writing." "Look, you are right, I apologize." "See what I did there?" " You hypnotized him." "No." "Use this." "This is the most important piece of equipment you'll ever own." "This notebook has saved my skin more times than I care to mention." "You should think about using yours more." "I do use mine." " Show me." "That's just extraordinary." " You should see the one on the other side." "What are you up to tonight?" " I have to water my Peace Lilly." "I thought you might wanna do something." " What exactly were you thinking?" "I dunno." "Pub?" " I don't think that's a good idea." "See you." "Oi, you two." "A Mr. Blower left you tickets for Romeo and Juliet tonight." "Said it was an apology." " Yeah?" "Well,we can't accept gifts from somebody we officially reviwed, so.." "Nicholas glad I caught you." "Wouldn't you mind representing us at the theater tonight." "Yes sir, of course." " And there is a spare one for Danny." "Hey,come on,it might be fun." "A trinket for the death." "Here's to my love." "Poison." "I'll kiss thy lips." "I'll take some poison for my." "Sergeant Angel, hi,hi." "A quick word for the Sandford Citizen." "It was very enjoyable." " A cop enjoys watching young lovers." "I don't think so." " Local man loves some teen suicide?" "That's just grossly inappropriate." "You will spell his name correctly this time,won't you Timothy?" "Absolute tosh,wasn't it?" "Annoyingly the Onesters are actually professional actors." "Greg over there was excelent in Strong Dogs and Sherry portrayed a cadaver in a crime suspence." "Sergeant Angel, you came." "So thrilled you accepted my invitation." "Well, Inspector requested we attend." "we can't accept gifts from someone we officially reviwed, so jog on." "Congratulations to you and to Mrs. Blower." " This is not my wife." "This is" "Miss Draper, my leading lady." "Eve works in the local Council Sergeant." "And quite a lady indeed." "I am not." "Nonesense.I am sure if we bashed your head open, all sorst of secrets would come dumpling out." "Romeo, Romeo, a pint of bear for Romeo." "A pleasure." "Eve is nice, ain't she?" " She certainly has a distinctive laugh." "Since I met her in school always had a thing for her." "She clearly has a thing for older men." "Not with Martin Blower?" "No way." "We just have sit through 3 hours of so called acting, constable" "Their kiss was the only convincing moment in it." " Now you come to mention," "I too have a reason to believe that she favors the older gents." "Really?" "How so?" " My uncle Carl's big brother said that he had fingered her up,the dung hole." "Oh, Officer." "Again let me extend my sincere apologies for earlier." "All right Mr. Blower.Drive safe." "Drive safe." "Oh my god." "You knew that's the bloke we had for speeding earlier." "Yeah." "Hopefully that's the last we'll see of him." "Who is it?" "We haven't got long." "To us." "Who is it?" "Yeah?" "Decapitated?" "Roy and Libby found them.On his paper round." "They'll be having nightmares for a while.Must have been going at some speed." "Pulled the whole top off." " I would have my top off with this playboy." "Lost control,Left the road there, and then ended up here." "So, what do we reckon?" "Sergeant Angel." " We should put a cordon,to off screen remains from public view, close down the road until the ambulance car arrives, whereupon we should open a single line of traffic and aid congestion." "Very good." "What he said." "What happened Danny?" " Car accident." "Nasty way to go." "Constable,Official Vocab Guideline states,we no longer refer to these incidents as accidenst ,but collisions." " All right." "There was never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and eternal Romeo." "Excuse me?" " Martin and Eve." "Such a tragedy." "Mr. Skinner do you mind telling me how you know about the identity of persons involved?" "You know how it is,news travels fast." "What happened Danny?" " Traffic collision." "Why can't we say accident, again?" "Because accident implies there's nobody to blame." "Put a stocking in a town mouse." " Yeah.You want to be a big cop in a small town?" "Fuck off about a moral village" " I am just saying thing aren't always as simple,as they look." "Most times they are." "Let's just wait till Dr.Pretchett comes back with something." "Before you go jumping the kalashtnikov." "Allright, in the meantime why don't you, check out a few of Martin Blowers clients?" "Martin Blower represents damly most the village.You want us to call the whole phonebook?" "We will call into R... and A...,shall we?" " Please, don't be childish." "At least consider interviewing the widow, Martin Blower was clearly having an affaire with Eve Draper." " And how did you establish that?" "Because we sat throug 3 hours of so called acting last night, and the kiss was the only convincing moment in it." " All right." "Defend him." "Yeah what else You've got crocky and tubby?" " Skid marks." "Now, who's being childish?" " There were no skid marks in the scene." "Doesn't it seem a little strange that Martin Blower would loose control of his car and not think to apply the brakes?" "If there were no skidmarks that follows up for 300 yards,both driver and passenger did nothing to prevent their fate." "You don't have to be a detective to work that out." "Are they causing trouble?" " Yes, they are." "Well spot a bother up at Elroy Farm.Old Arthur Webbley has been clipping hedge rose, that don't belong to him." "Yes sir?" " that's it." "Yes sir." "Why do we need the dog." " It's not the dog we need." "Right." "What did he say?" "What did he say?" "He said a hedge is a hedge." "He only chopped it down, 'cause it's blocked his view." "Whats Reaper on about?" "I appreciate your position Mr. Webley, but you can't go... round chopping other people's hedges without permission." "Yes, I suppose." " Thank you." "Allright." "Mr. Webley, I trust that you have licence for that firearm." "He does for this one." "What do you mean by this one?" "For the power of Christ." "Where on earth did you get these?" "He found them." " And what is this?" "It is a sea mine." "Well,Mr. Webley this it is an extremely dangerous collection." "It is wonder that nobody's been hurt before." "Na, it's a load of junk." "Move, move." "Are you hurt?" " No,apparently it's been deactivated, over." "It's not live." "Deactivated." " It's not live." "It is not live." " All right." "That was quite an impressive haul today,constable,wasn't it?" " Yeah." "Maybe we should do something to celebrate." "Besides watering your Peace lilly." " What do you have in mind?" "I don't know." "Pub?" "Yes sirs, what can i get you?" "Pint o' lager,please Roy... and what can i get you that isn't cranberry juice?" "I don't really wanna get drunk." "You'll get a little drunk." "I'll have one." " Yeah, that's what i'm talking about." "Mr. Porter what's your wine selection?" " We got red or... white." "I'll have a pint of lager please." "Yeah, Roy" "Any news from earlier?" " Yeah." "CSI found nothing." "Dr.Patcher reported no misadventure, and Mrs. Blower has 4 alibis." "Come on Sergeant." "It's not your job to investigate now,is it?" "Is it?" " No." "It isn't." "You don't switch off, do you?" " You sound like my ex." "But you are always thinking away." " That's what I do." "Don't get me wrong." "I think it's amazing." " Really?" "What made you wanna be a policeman?" " Officer." "What made you wanna be a policeman, Officer?" "I don't remember a time, when I didn't wanna be a police officer." "Apart from the summer of 1979 when I wanted to become a soldier." "It all started with my uncle Derrick.he was a Sergeant of the Met." "He bought me a police pedal car, when I was five." "I rode round in every second i was awake." "Arresting kids twice my size for littering and spitting." "I got beaten up a lot when was young,but didn't stop me.I wanted to be like uncle Derrick." "Sounds like a good bloke." " Actually he was arrested... for selling drugs to students." " What a cunt." "He probably bought the pedal car with the proceeds." "Needlless to say, I never went near it again." "I just let it rust." "But I never forgot the clear sense of right and the wrong that I felt ... at the wheel of that pedal car." "I had to prove to myself that the law... could be proper, and righteous and for the good of human kind." "It was from that moment i was destened to be a police officer." "Shame." "How so?" "Because you would've made a great muppet." "What about you?" "What made you wanna become a police officer?" "I don't know." "Dad does it." "I think after my mum died, that's what he wanted,you know, keep me close by." "Do you mind if I ask how she died?" "Traffic collision." "I am sorry." "Never mind." "Hey whatch this." "Jesus Christ." " Oh my eye." "Do you want another?" "Hello 777." " Mr. Skinner." "You know George Merchant,don't you?" "Yes, we were just discussing the accident." " I knew Martin and Eve well." "It's such a loss." " Let's say we drink to their demise." "Should not we drink to their memories?" "Of course." "Cheers." "I must go to the little boys room?" "I'm allright." " Little be inoperative word." "He'll be in bits tomorrow." "I think somebody needs to go home." " I am not that drunk Sir" "Not you." "Him." "What?" "Hey,we did get a little drunk.You get it, because he is little,and he is drunk." "This is my mansion." "It's hardly in keeping with the village's rustic aesthetic" "How much do I owe you?" " 20 quid." "There you go." "And there is your change." " God bless you, bye-bye." "I am allright." "I would not wanna be him in the morning." "Oh, this is me." " Well." "I am sure I'll see you in the morning." "Unless you want to come in for a cup of coffee." "I don't drink coffee." "Tea?" " No caffeine after midday." "How about another beer?" "When did you move in?" " About 5 years ago." "You should get some house plants." " oh, yeah." "I've been having my peace lilly for 3 years now." "It oxygenates the room, helps you think, relieves stress,it's needs are simple." "Janine used to say,that I love my lilly more than i loved her." "Is that why you split up?" " What?" "Because you've done it with a plant?" "No, no, no." "It's more about me being obsessed with the job." "That's good though, right?" "Is it though, I miss a few dinners,parties, a birthday or two." "Listen mate..." "Her dad's funeral." "I just wanna be good at what i do." " You are good at what you do." "You just can't learn to switch off, that big old melon of yours." "That's the whole problem Danny." "I don't think i know how." " I could show you how." "By the power of Christ." "Point Break or Bad Boys 2?" " Which one do you think I'd prefer?" "No, I mean which one do you to whatch first." " You are pulling my leg." "What did you think of that?" "Well, I won't argue it was a no less then an adreanaline fueled wild ride but there is no way of dealing with that kind of mayhem and not have a considearable amount of paperwork" "That is nothing man.This is about to go off." "Shit just got real." "Nasty way to go." "Look like Mr.Merchant tried to have a little fry-up and left the gas on." "Spends his whole life devoted to the refrigerator, and gets killed by an owen." "I told him several times.You shouldn't eat late at night." "I kindda like a little midnight gobble." "So, what do we reckon?" "Angel?" " Huh?" "Help me." "OK." "We get a proper cordon up,we let the firecrew finish their stuff, and then we get the forensics to do a thorough sweep of the house." " Right." "What he said." " Sergeant Angel,hi,hi, a quick word." "Mr. Messenger a statement will be issued shortly." "Actually I would just like to as:" "What's your perfect Sunday?" "I will deal with the press Sergeant." " A Perfect Sunday is a lovely long..." "What do you think?" "Foul play?" " Maybe." "We're just hoping to talk to the last people, who saw Mr. Merchant alive." "Maybe a Sergeant Nicholas Asswipe and Constable Funny ...." "That's us." "Why is this such a big joke to you?" "3 people have died in one week." " Oh come on Dr. Sherlock. they were accidents." "Accidents happen every day." " The victims knew each other." "Everyone knows everyone around here." "Yeah." "If you didn't see anything suspicious, then who did?" "It's bit of a blind spot I am afraid." "We just catch the very edge of the explosion." "Nasty way to go." " I've got something took my eye." "Really. what's that?" "Sandfords most wanted." "There you go,it is the swan you want." " This is not funny detective." "You do your job and we'll do ours." "Yeah,I mean you got a church fair to look after." " NO,I'VE NOT." "Actually.." ""Save the church roof"" "Seen any murderings ?" "Come on boys,leave the Sergeant Angel alone.He is working." "Sorry Chief.Won't waste any more police time." "actually you just might as well take a break." " hey,great." "Got something to show you." "This isn't rifle match." "You'll be really good at it." "Feeling lucky Sergeant?" "3 cans wins you the squeky bunny,5 cans gets you the fluffy lion,take all our little people, you'll get ... cuddly monkey." "I thought I made it clear to you, how I feel about firearms." "It isn't a real rifle." " Sergeant." "Good Lord." "That was amazing." "Thank You Danny." "I cannot believe I shot someone." "He is a Doctor." "He can deal with it." " It never shot anyone before." "Believe me it's not something you'll ever get used to." "Maybe we should go to the bouncing castle and take our minds off there." "Mr.Messenger." "I need to talk to you about George Merchant.Alone." "Churchyard,3 o'clock." "What do you think he want's?" "Sergeant Angel come take the stage please." "Here to announce the winners, is the newest adittion to the Sandford Police Force." "Service." "Sergeant Nicholas Angel." "Prick." " Wanker." "The first name is..." "Simon Skinner." "He is in the loo." " Too much of Joyce's lemonade perhaps." "And the next name is..." "Tim Messenger." "Tim?" "Excuse me, excuse me." "Stand Back, stand Back." "There's been a terrible accident." "Nicholas.What is it?" " Sir, I think all these deaths... are linked." "I think Tim Messenger was murdered." "Who could do something like this?" "Maybe it was the swan?" "Apparently it could break a man's arm or blow up a man's house." "Listen you pair of ..." "Whoe, whoe Nicholas." "Let me get this straight." "Are you saying that this is a crime scene?" "Yes Sir I am." "Very well." "Detectives." "Sir." "Start interviewing everyone who was at the fair ." "Sergeant Fisher." " What?" "Secure the area." " What?" "PC Fletcher?" "Yes luv." "Get the CSI down here." " PC Walker?" "Patrol the churchyard with Saxon." "Nicholas, Danny." " You know what to do." "Do you really think this is murder?" "I just don't think we should rule it out, that's all." "Yeah, I think you are right." "He thinks you are talking a load of shit." "At least that understood." "Did you find anything?" " Yeah." "I was extremely shocked when I looked at my watch and discovered, i should be in the pub." " Did you go to his house, did you read his articles?" "If you want to wait and copy through a sack of Sandford bloody Citizen, be our guest." "It's your job, isn't it,to detect." " This is not a sickie Mr. Angel." "Not everyone is a murdering psychopath." "It's high time you realized that.You and your monkey." "Did he mean me, or that?" "Maybe we should go." " What do you mean?" "Nothing going on, is there?" "Have you listened to anything that I've said?" " What do you mean?" "Is there anything that I told you in the last two weeks that got into that thick skull of yours?" "Yeah." "Has it?" "What?" "You said i could be an amazing policeman officer." "There is always something going on Danny." "And you won't be an amazing police officer until you understand that." "Well, I remember something else you said ,and all.." "Oh did you now?" "Yeah." "You don't know how to switch off." ""This was left for you in reception." "Regards Joyce. "" ""Sandford citizen. "" "If you want to copy through a sack of Sandford bloody Citizen,be our guest." ""Cop Angle. story and pictures by Tim Messenger. "" ""Hanging gardens of Buford Abbey "" ""Sandford Family Trees:" "The Skinners. "" ""Sandford People:" "George Merchant."" ""just the beginning,big plans for Sandford. "" ""Official Police Service Vocabulary Guide "" "Morning Constable." " Allright." "Thanks for the monkey." "what was that?" "I won it for you." "Danny I think I am on to something." " Are you?" "Yes." "And I think with a little deliberation we can figure out what links these deaths." "We?" "Come on partner." "Let's go to work." "Oh, Sergeant Angel, someone from London called for you." "Tell them I call them back." "Tim Messenger, editor and journalist of Sandford Citizen." "Promise of proms." "Terrible speller.Never the less accomodates important information of" "George Merchant." " Self made millionaire." "Fancys himself as a property developer.He said he had big plans for Sandford." "Pissed on the floor in the crowd." "But more importantly he was a good friend and client of..." "Martin Blower." " Respected solicitor." "Leading lad of the local Drama Society" "Bad actor." " Undoubtedly." "Bad driver." " Not necessarily." "cheat on his Mrs." " Most certainly." "And we both know who with..." "Eve Draper." "Blower's leading lady." "Distinctive laugh." "True." "Favored older men." "Finger." "worked at?" "Council." " More specifically?" "Department of Planning and Development." " Where George Merchant secured permission, to build his jubious mansion on Norris avenue." "So?" "Maybe they were all accidents." "People have accidents every day." "What are yu two up to?" " Nothing." "Well,look sharp,'cause been reports of fire in the station." "what?" "Happy Birthday to you." "Happy Birthday to you." "Danny why didn't you say something?" " We were working,weren't we?" "Hey, where are you going?" " I've got some errands." "Hello Ms.Tiller. I was wondering do you have any Japanese Peace Lillys?" "Of course.I was just about to pop off actually." "I never find my scissors.It's for someone special?" "Yes, yes it is." "Are you going somewhere Ms. Tiller?" " Yes, I am moving away." "Why the move?" "If you don't mind me asking." "Well, just between you and I." " Yes?" "You know the fellow, that blew up?" " George Merchant?" "Well George Merchant god rest him wanted to buy this land." "So he sent round his legal fellow Martin Blower god rest him." "I thought I might take them upon it I really haven't got that much family round here save for cousin Sissi." "So I thought I might take them up to Aunt Roman to Buford Abbey." "Would you like a card with this?" " No." "Sorry, you were talking about the offer." " Well, it turns out that Martin Blower... god rest him,knew avenue bypass road is coming 'cause he was knocking up Eve Draperfrom the Council, god rest her" "And then that reporter, god rest him,finds out about the road and tells me this land is very valuable,10 times than George Merchant and Martin Blower, god rest them, offered me." "So with them having passed on,I decided to sell it all myself to some folks from the city that Martin, George and Eve,god rest them have been talking to .Apparently they want to build a big shopping center or something." "Of course cousin Sissi won't be too happy about that." "But as far as i am concerned cousin Sissi can go fu.." " Would you just excuse me for just one second?" "Stop." "In the name of the law." "hang on there, hang on there." "You are saying this wasn't an accident?" "Leslie Tiller was fucking murdered." "Just like Tim Messenger?" " Yes." "George Merchant?" " Yes." "And Eve Draper?" " Yes." "Martin Blower?" " No, actually." "Really?" " 'Course he fucking was." "Thank You Danny." "Murder,murder.Change the fucking record.Thank You Andie." "Come on Sergeant,you've just gotta accept it was just another nasty accident." "What are you suggesting?" "That Leslie Tiller tripped and fell on her own shears?" "Ben Fletcher fell on his pitchfork the other week." "Yes, accidents happen all the time,what makes you think it was murder?" "Because I was there." " Here is a point,why were you there?" "I was buying Constable Butterman a japanese Peace lilly for his birthday." "What absolute shit." " I chased a suspect from the scene." "Innocent people don't run." " Maybe it was our old friend the cactus thief." "Oh yeah, he was a prickly customer, wasn't he?" "Am I going completely mad?" "Maybe, you are." "Maybe you did it." "Yeah.Since you are such a big fan of murders." "What the fu...!" " Sergeant Angel?" "Yes!" "Sir" "Nicholas Nicholas." "What am I going to do with you?" " Sir, you have to understand..." "No.You have to understand." "The boys here aren't used to the concepts you are bending about." "The M word Nicholas." "There hasn't been a recorded murder in Sandford for 20 years." "But Sir I am certain." "And what's more," "I know who did it." "Can I see the manager please?" "Mr. Skinner to the manager's office." "Manager's office Mr. Skinner." "Sergeant Angel?" "And to what do I owe this pleasure?" " Simon Skinner I am arresting you on suspicion ... of the murder of Leslie Tiller." " Leslie Tiller is dead?" "How?" "She tripped and fell on her own shears." "I'm also arresting you on suspicion for the murder of Tim Messenger on May 1, of George Merchant 29 April and Eve Draper and Martin Blower April 28." "Why on earth would I do that Sergeant?" " I am glad you asked." "My suspicions were first aroused, when you came to the scene of the..." "Blower and Draper death on the outskirts of Sandford, despite the fact, you live and work in the centre of the village." "I couldn't help,but recall your comments in the theater,the previous evening." "Not only indicate the awareness of the couples affaire, but also infered that these connections of the Council might make her preview to important information." "You even spoke of bashing her head,perhaps hoping you might discover the route of the proposed Sandford bypass.You were already suspicious that George Merchant... was buying up a large area of land on the outskirts of Sandford, after an" "article Tim Messenger wrote in the Sandford Citizen ." "You see the land Merchant was buying had little value in itself, but... if it became an accessable byroad ,It'll be a prime location, for say, a retail park." "Consumed and concerned for your business and potential... disloyalty of fickled customers you yourself expressed a wish to behead." "You killed the competetition in cold blood.Framing the murders as accidents." "Used a vehicle removal truck to stage the Blower-Draper death." "And incinerated an old man,in his own house covering up tracks with the additional application of bacon and beans." "However,there was a loose end." "Tim Messenger.Splattered,before he could share with me,what he told" "Leslie Tiller that very afternoon." "The true value of her land." "Upon descovering she was about to sell up to the developers, you brutally murderer her with her own shears." "And may could you escape utilizing your impressive skills as a fun runner." "Very entertaining, but I rather think you've been watching too many films." "He hasn't." "Why would I kill Leslie?" "You clearly aren't aware, that we are related." "Oh, but I am." "Cousin Sissi." "I'm afraid my nickname of Sissi is only a revelation to yourself." "My teenage years of studying ballet are well-known." "Yeah." "Sissi Skinner." " Or gay lord." "Thank You Andrews." "Now, despite my comments about beheading customers, I personally... relish the competition of another store.Anything to energize my work force." "And anyway,what makes you think I could dislodge part of the churchal roof.Or for that matter the rage of God." "It's a well-known fact that the church roof is in dieing need of repair." "And isn't it true, that 2 of your own employees operate the vehicle removing service for the castle?" "Sergeant.This is the century 21." "Many people hold down several jobs.I myself am teacher of a drawing class.Tina here is a table dancer at Flatley." "Nevertheless you could've utilized the vehicle removal truck for your own ends." "These accusations are quite meaningless Sergeant, unless you can back them up with hard evidence." "Well, you've got me there." "I need something conclusive." "Something that'd place you at the scene of the crime." "Perhaps a wound from a piece of broken glass this very evening." "This very evening." "This is beggining to get emberrasing." "How could I possibly be several... places at once?" "I am sure the store security footage will absolve me." "Do feel free, to spool through." "I can handle this Danny.You might as well go back and enjoy the rest of your birthday." "Did you really get me that plant?" " Yes, I did." "But... it's been impounded as evidence." "If you find something let me know,heh?" " Yeah." "Sergeant I wanted you to know that if I do indeed now own the land belonging to.." "belonging to Leslie,i intend to turn in into a memorial garden,in her honour." "Mr.Skinner what you do with your land is of no concern of mine, so... jog on." "Michael will you escort the Sergaent off the premises,when he is quite finished?" "I just can't believe Leslie's dead." "How did it happen?" "she tripped and fell on her own shears." ""Twat."" "hey,that weren't me." "Hey,look,look Mr.Treacher's got his big coat on again." "you want anything from the shop?" " Cornetto." "No luck catching them killers then?" " It's just one killer actually." "No luck cathcing them killers then?" " It's just one killer actually." "what's the matter?" "You've got brain freeze?" " No i got brain wave." "get us back to the station.now." "It's more than one person." "What?" "It's more than one killer." " It was Skinner a minute ago." "Yeah,well,maybe still is,you know, maybe he is not alone.Maybe there are others." "Nicholas.You are an exceptional officer.But I've seen this before." "Sir?" " Sergeant Pumpwell." "It was exactly the same thing.You've come from the city where there's danger round every corner." "And it's driven you round the bend ." "Yes sir." "Do yourself a favor." "sleep on it." "And if you still feel the same in the morning,I give you my word,I'll get right on it." "hey,hey." "What's happening,what's going on?" "Nothing,nothing." "I am just gonna go back to the hotel." "Do you want a lift?" " No, no." "I could do with a walk." "Hey biggo." "Playtime's over." "Michael?" "Michael?" "Are you there?" "Michael. is everything ok?" "Yearp." "Sergeant Angel's been taken care of?" " Yearp." "he is not gonna get back up again?" "Narp?" "Good. proceed to the castle." "Frank, this shit just got real.Skinner just sent someone to kill me." "And now,now,he's gone somewhere." "Um,up to the castle I think.I'm gonna go after him,ok?" "It is Nicholas by the way." "Oh my god." "What happened to your Peace Lilly?" " Danny,Danny,just stay here,Ok?" "And watch him and call your Dad." "Tell him that I was right." "what you're gonna do?" " I'm gonna bust this thing wide open." "Nicholas wait." "You might need this." " Thanks partner." "How could I possibly be in several places at once?" "I just can't beleive that Leslie's dead.How did it happen?" "You will find that we run a very tight shift here." "Who could do something like this?" "It seems that Mr.Merchant tried to have a little fry up and left the gas on." "what a nasty way to go." "What happened Danny?" " No luck catching them killers?" ""Fountain restoration completed in 1993, with thanks to"" "A quick announcement before we begin." "Janet Barker has decided to call her boys Roger and Martin." "And the christening will be... a week,on Saturday, and we are all invited." "Tom?" "Thank You Joyce." "Now, you'll all be delighted to hear that the tenacious sergeant Angel has been taken care of." "Joyce will discover the Sergeant laying on the wet floor on his bathroom, having slipped and tragically broken his neck." "So, with the dispatch of the Sergeant we would now be able to concentrate on the eradication... of our hoodie infestations." "Until which,nothing will stand in our way." "Oh, I beg to differ Mr.Weaver." " Well,well,well." "I see we have visitors." "Sergeant Nicholas Angel.Sandford Police service." "My, he is tenacious,isn't he?" " I'm arresting you under suspicion of ... conspiracy to commit murder." "Oh, come,come sergeant." "You should be ashamed." "Calling yourself a community that cares." " But we do care Nicholas." "It's all about the greater good." " The greater good." "How can this be for the greater good?" " The greater good." "You see, as much as i enjoy your theory sergeant,the truth is far less complex." "Blowers fate was simply the result of his being an appaling actor." "appaling." " You murdered him for that?" "well, he murdered Bill Shakespeare." " What?" "The dramatic society is an important feather in our cap." "Couldn't let Blower jeopardized that knowing we had 2 semiprofessionals waiting in the wings." "Let's not forget that Greg was excellent in Strong Dogs, and Shelly portrayed a cadaver in.. ." "Yes, I know." "Martin was less concerned with the reputation of the village,then he was with his sordid affaire with Eve Draper." "And so Eve deserved to die too?" " She did have a very annoying laugh." "Annoying." " And George Merchant?" "he had an awfull house." "Awfull." " We begged him in vain to make his residence more in keeping with the village's rustic aesthetic." "And what about Tim Messenger?" "What was his crime?" "Tim Messenger 10 years editor of Sandford Citizen has been unbearable." "Our once great paper,have become riddled with tabloid journalism." "Not to mention persistent errors." "He listed our ages 55,when actually i am 53." "What about Leslie Tiller one of your own,her horticultural expertise helped put Sandford on the map." " Oh she was ever so good." "Cousin Leslie was a terrible shame." "But it seems she was set on moving away." "We could not have her sharing our green fingers with anybody else." "Not least those in Buford Abbey.If we can't have her, noone can." "How can this be for the greater good?" " The greater good." "Shut it." "These people died for no reason,no reason whatsoever." "Oh,I wouldn't say that." "Hello Nicholas." "I was like you once." "I believed in the immutable word of the law." "That is until the night Mrs. Butterman was taken from me." "You see noone loved Sandford more than her." "She was head of the womens institute chair of the floral comitee." "when they started the village of the year contest, she worked around the clock." "I never seen such dedication." "On the eve of the judicators arrival some travellers moved into Callahan Park." "Before you could say gypsy scum,we were knee deep in dog mog peeving kids and crusty jugglers" "Crusty jugglers." "We lost the title, and Irene lost her mind." "She drove her Daihatsu Cherry into Sandford Gorge." "That moment on,I swore that I would do her proud, and whatever the cost, we would make Sandford great again." " Sir. this doesn't make any sense." "The judicators arrive tomorrow.We had to get everything ready." "You're saying this is all about winning the best village award?" "This is the best village, Nicholas." "You've seen the people,they are happy." "Contented." "They're living in a dreamworld." " Sergeant Popwell thought much the same as you." "I am disappointed you can't see the bigger picture." "Well,i am happy to disappoint you sir,and I am afraid you're gonna have to come with me." "You're all gonna have to come with me." " No Nicholas." "I'm afraid it is you, who is going to have to come with us ." "Danny, no." "Back off,back off." "Or I swear to God, you will be ... Danny ...coffin his head" "Come on Nicholas you haven't got any in you." " I mean it." "Gypsy scum, travelers,lowbred boys." "There has not been a recorded murder in Sandford in 20 years." "Spot a bother up in Elroy farm." "A great big bushy beard." "Danny." "What are you doing?" " Saving your skin." "This is murder." " It's not, It's ketchup." "I 'm not talking about that, I am talking about the others." " What others?" "The others, the NWA have murdered." " That's not true." "It it is." " Dad just said it was this special clubby.I thought it was about rubbing people in the knuckles and putting hoods on their heads." "There are skeletons back there." " I don't know nothing about no skeletons." "What did you think was happening?" " Not this." "It's Frank he is appointing himself judge, jury and executioner." "He is not judge, jury and executioner." " He is.You gotta help me take him down." "I can't." "He is my Dad.Take my car." "Go back to London." "There is nothing you can do." " I can come back." "I can come back and I can bring the blue furious Metropolitan Police Service with me." "And make it disappear?" "Who are they gonna believe?" "My Dad or a looney London police officer?" "Then help me,we can do it together.You and me.Partners." "Forget it Nicholas." "It Is Sandford." ""London. "" "Is that everything?" "Sir?" "Sir?" "Is there anything i can do for you?" "No." "This is something that I have that to do myself." ""Welcome to Sandford. "" "Another beautiful day in God's country." "Danny?" "It's..." "Mum." "What are you gonna do?" "Just walk in and arrest the whole village?" "Not exactly." "Sergeant Angel, someone from London called for you." "I'll tell them you'll ring her back." "Well, that's funny?" "What's that?" "I didn't know we had a mounted division ." "Nobody tells me nothing." "Wanna do something useful?" "Sergeant Angel's back, check out his horse." "Roger ,back." "It's..." "Angel." "Morning." "That's what I am talking about." "still feel that you're missing out?" "Fascist." "Hag." "Stop." "Stop this,please." "You have to stop this mindless violence." "Nicholas my son, you may not be a man of God,but surely you are a man of peace." "I may not be a man of God,reverend,but I know right and I know wrong." "And I have the good grace to know which is which." "Oh, fuck off grasshopper." "Jesus Christ." "Nicholas?" "I thought you was a gonner." "Drop your weapons." " Dr.Patcher no." "Shut up Danny." "I brought you into this world, think it's rather fitting, i should be the one to take you out of it." "You and your interfeering little friend." "Drop 'em." "Your you are a Doctor." "Deal with it." " Yeah motherfucker." "Danny let's roll." "What are you thinking?" "Pub?" "Somebody call the police!" " Freeze." "Officers." "Arrest that man." "Danny step away from the Sergeant." " No Dad." "Danny, you'll do as you're told." "I'm not taking orders from you any more." "Officers, arrest these men." " Wait, wait." "You can arrest us if you like, you can throw us in prison and then go back to being blind submissive slaves,or you can be real Police Officers could help us bring an end to this absurd history." " what the fuck is he on about?" "Fuck are you on about?" " Have you ever wondered why the crime rate in Sandford is so low?" "And yet the accident rate is so high?" "No." "Yes." "What?" " You've been brainwashed Tony." "Brainwashed into deniality by an old man with a murderous obsession." "This is ridiculous." " No, it's not Dad." "It's very unridiculous.It's only now that i started to realize, how unridiculous it all is." "Silence Danny." "Think of your mother." " Mum is dead, Dad." "For the first time in my life,you know i am glad if she could see what you've become,then she would probably kill herself all over again." "I am completely lost." " Sandford is a lie Doris." "For the last 20 years, the village has been controlled by Frank and the NWA." "They had everyone to believe this is a perfect village, and kill anyone who's threatened to change that." "He says he reckons, you've got something there." " I know." "You're not seriously gonna believe this man, are you?" "Are you?" "he is not even from around here!" "Maybe,it's time to give it up Sir." "You incompetent flat folks." "Officer Walker, stay here with Saxon and hold everything down." "Officers, let's go." "what about Dad?" " He'll come round again." "want anything from the shop?" "What are you thinking of bro?" " We strike now, while we got the element of surprise,we're gonna wait more time they got them mobilized. i say we go in through the front entrance take the place isle by isle.They won't be expecting that." "Very good." "What he said." "My,my,here come the fuzz." "Who enters first?" " Wait here." "Don't go in on your own." " Don't worry, he knows what he is doing." "They are in." "You deal with the store,I deal with the trolleyboy." "Wait,wait,wait." "Listen to me,listen,listen." "Is this what you really-really want?" "Yearp." "Suit yourself." "Go.Go,Go." "Andie!" "It'all right Andie, it's just brownies." "How's lurch?" " He is in the freezer." "Did you say you "Cool off"?" " No, I didn't say anything actually." "Shame." " it was a bit earlier one that you missed when i distracted him with the cuddly monked and then I said "playtime is over"" "Then i hit him with the peace lilly." "You're fucking changed." "What's the situation?" " Two butchs and a fuck load of cutlery." "What do you reckon?" "Idea." "Yeah." " Good work everyone." "Nice work Doris." " Nothing like a bit of girl on girl." "Fruit attack." "Can you handle this Sergeant Fisher?" "We're gonna go up to the big boss." "Allright Sergeant." "Danny let's rock." " Angel." "Don't go being a twat." " I won't give you the satisfaction." "We should get down there." "How?" "skip." "Had some fun?" "fuck yeah." "I'll drive." " jump in." "launch that shit." ""Good luck Sandford. "" "Swan!" "swan!" "stay back." "Or the gingernut gets it." "You little fucker" "It's not your village any more." "You did good, kid." "Whats your name?" "aaron aronson" "Sorry?" "it's over Danny." "it's over." "It really hurts." "I'm gonna need some ice cream." "Don't worry, there is plenty of ice cream in the station." "isn't that right Danny?" "Stay back." "Finish it Frank you silly bastard." " Not.We don't want any more blood shed." "Frank, this whole thing started,because you lost somebody you loved." "Don't expect me to beleive,you'll let it end the same way." "I'll tell you how this is gonna end." "I feel like I should say something smart." "You don't have to say anything at all." "Now my perfect Summer,would begin with..." "What do you say Nicholas?" " We have been trying to reach you for days." " Yeah,well, I've been kind of busy." "We need you back." "The figures have gone a little squiffy in your absence." "come back to London." "Sandford is hardly a fitting place for such an exceptional officier." " Yeah, well, the thing is.." "I kinda like it here." "Besides we have to do a considerable amount of paper work." "This is gonna take ages." " Yeah, it'll take all night." "But we've got the menpower, hey Andie?" "Well,Official Vocab Guideline, states we say staff and not manpower, 'cause manpower's a bit sexist." "You don't mind a little menpower,do you Doris?" "Oh,Dirty bastard." "You cheeky fucker." "Your you know what you are?" "A bloody busy mummy ." "No!" "Oh God No." "Danny." "Danny." "Oh God." "Hold on Danny, just hold on." "Hold on, it's gonna be fine." "everything's gonna be fine." ""one year later. "" "Hope these are okay." "Yeah,they are lovely." ""loving memory of Irene Butterman "" "Any officers near the church?" "Go ahead Doris." "Chief had a report about some hippy messing with the recycling bins at the supermarket." "Leave it with us." " Received." "Sergeant Butterman," "Littlehand says it's time to Rock n Roll." " Bring the noise." "Sub by kola"