"MUSIC:" "Theme to QI with added sleigh bells" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Wha-a-a-a-a....ssup!" "Whassup." "Whassup." "Whassup." "Whassup!" "Whassup!" "Whassup!" "Whassup!" "It's the office Christmas party at QI." "We're ready to get down with a G for "groovy" show." "boogie-woogie and put a donk on some awesome anecdotes and funky facts the well wicked Lee Mack." "CHEERS AND APPLAUSE" "The well safe Bill Bailey!" "CHEERING" "The well cool David Tennant." "CHEERS AND WHISTLES it's Alan Davies!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE so Lee goes..." "'# It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. #'" "Ah." "And Bill Goes... merry Christmas. #'" "David goes..." "I gave you my heart. #'" "And Alan goes..." "MUSIC: "Hava Nagila" "LAUGHTER we're going to put the photocopying machine to some imaginative use." "but she's gone missing." "boys and girls?" "AUDIENCE:" "She's behind you!" "Is she?" "AUDIENCE:" "No!" "The other side!" "Buttercup." "I'd like you to do a demonstration for the boys and girls." "Would you like to go round?" "What Buttercup is going to do..." "Buttercup does impressions." "Buttercup is going to do an impression." "darling." "# .." "Christmas. #" "Is it two out-of-work actors?" "Oh!" "They're stamping their tiny heels." "Is it the way of walking?" "Alan." "The legs not being in opposition or something?" "Yes." "Cows don't walk like that." "So she's doing an impression of...?" "A freak cow." "A cow with an inner ear problem." "right." "but not a weasel." "actually." "A rhino?" "A tapir." "on safari..." "Dormouse." "Giraffe." "Dormouse!" "Giraffe is the right idea." "Buttercup's very proud of herself." "That was a very fine imitation of a giraffe." "right walk." "Buttercup?" "LAUGHTER" "Is that a cow creeping up on someone?" "a big thank you to Buttercup!" "CHEERS AND APPLAUSE" "CRASH" "MOOING" "Never in show business love" been more appropriate." "Alan." "It's about the gait of four-legged animals." "Do you know when it was decided...?" "There's how a giraffe walks. who was the man responsible for demonstrating to the world progressed?" "Is it something to do with cinema?" "A French cinematographer?" "He was not French." "His name was Edward Muybridge." "Oh(!" ")" "LAUGHTER Eh!" "ladies and gentlemen?" "AUDIENCE:" "Yes." "Lying toads!" "His book was Animal Locomotion." "cantering and trotting in horses." "he also did humans and was no stranger to controversy." "He murdered his love rival in cold blood." "What?" "Did he take footage of that?" "He might have done." "He was the first person in American legal forensic history as a murderer to claim what excuse?" "Insanity." "Yes." "Points for David Tennant." "Come on!" "APPLAUSE was giving us her giraffe impression." "to queue bargers?" "very unfavourably." "Very badly." "yes." "It goes against the very bedrock of western society." "you know in lanes?" "yes." "There's a coned-off lane." "I'd better merge now." And somebody will go right down the end!" "You!" "You do that!" "LAUGHTER" "Davies!" "Why are you doing that? one." "LEE:" "I hate the late mergers in the bar queue." "When you're six-deep at the bar and they get on the edge." "Oh!" "Get us a couple of pints." "When someone leans forward with money and gets served first just cos they're on television!" "Yeah." "go away!"" "Make way!" "Make way!" "Lord Fry!" "A cup of port!" "On his bicycle with his hockey stick. "Make way!" "Mr Fry!" "Clear that table!" "Get up!" "Get out!" "Can anyone sing the Lord's prayer in Latin?" "out!" "All of you!" "sanctificetur nomen tuum." "Adveniat regnum tuum." "I do know it." "I don't know why." "But queue jumping." "It is despicable and you would think most people react very badly if someone were to simply barge in the front of the queue." "You're probably familiar with experiments done by a psychologist in which people were given white coats and asked to inflict pain." "Yes." "Stanley Milgram is best known." "because they were told to... a white coat." "or lines." "railway stations." "where people would not be afraid to show their opinion if someone barged in." "Excuse me." "I'd like to get in here." "Face forward and only leave when someone admonished them or after one minute." "On only 10 percent of occasions was the queue jumper forced to leave did anyone tut." "It's extraordinary." "Where was this?" "In America." "Not in Tonbridge." "LAUGHTER" "Not in Peckham." "A very high tut ratio. don't come in with six!" "Do you count them in the basket?" "You bet I do!" "Yeah." "of course." " What if it's 3 for 2?" " I'll give you one item off." "You'll give me two?" "Two for three?" "If there's not a special offer on..." "And I'm checking!" "You're Scottish." "You're checking for special offers." "Ooh!" "That was low." "Go on." "Take the..." "That was low." "Take the sonic thing out." "LAUGHTER In the First World War..." " Is that it?" "A Biro from Smith's?" " It's not working!" "It's not working!" "Help!" "In the First World War they toured a tank... around Britain..." "Don'twaveit around!" "LAUGHTER" "Easy with that!" "They toured a tank around Britain." "Yeah. to chuck change into the tank." "Oh." "Where did they get most money?" "Glasgow!" "They thought it was a big fruit machine!" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE He's bad." "Mummy!" "I won a soldier." "They thought it was a one-armed bandit." "Ker-ching!" "I cannae do this!" "You'll win a prize." "I can do it!" "dear!" "Did you like my Scottish accent?" "A Scottish accent?" "Oh!" "the fact is we're more tolerant of queue jumpers than they deserve." "hippest cat on the show?" "I would have thought." "Yeah." "Could be." "What do we know about these words?" "They're jazz words." "Many of them are." "How old are they?" "Since the '20s?" "'30s?" "'40s?" "earlier." "Stone Age." "LAUGHTER" "Let's take the word "cool"." "When did it first mean fashionable?" "'60s beatnik poet era." "1933." "I don't think that's relevant." ""Zees new uniforms are cool."" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "# So this is Christmas... # daddy-o!" "I have no choice!" "LAUGHTER" "I burned down the Reichstag." "Cool." "Jazz Nazis!" "Hey!" "It was the west coast..." "Jazz Nazis would use both arms." "1957." "is the year I was born." "So maybe I am cool." "I love the idea of you saying all that as a chat-up line." "Do you know who the coolest person in the room is?" "Let me explain... ..1933..." Cut to two hours later." "is why I am cool." Where's she gone?" "Don't go!" "LAUGHTER" "What about "groovy"?" "When did "groovy" first arrive?" "Ploughing in the 17th century." "It's got to be records." "You're right." "black jazzers." ""In the groove" because the needle was in the groove of the record." "What about "hip" or "hep" cat?" ""Hep?" Both words are used." "I've never heard "hep"." "Not heard "hep"?" "As in "hep hop"?" "My nan's just had a hep operation." LAUGHTER where you just cut the leg off." "hip"." "I'm afraid." "hello." "madam." "meaning fellow?" "That's from Top Cat." "Seriously!" "He was the coolest cat in town!" "He was." "Always got one over on Officer Dibble." "The musical Cats." "That's not cool!" "Give me a year when "cat" meaning fellow was spotted. 1920." "to the year." "Brilliant." "APPLAUSE" "More points." "Get ready for the year to shout." "Chick" meaning a girl." "Chick?" "Yeah." "Spanish." "Chica! "Chiquita!" Si." ""Hey!" "A cigarette!" 1927." "LAUGHTER" "I did that in Shakespeare." ""All my little chicks." "In one fell swoop." You're right." "In Mac... as you don't say ..beth." "What about "dude" meaning a person?" "The Amish." "When?" "Not who?" "1702." "dude!" "Any other thoughts?" "Neanderthal times. 1703." "1883. 1883?" "Dudes?" ""Foxy"." "Pardon?" "I beg your pardon?" ""Foxy". 1895." "meaning splendid?" "1920." "1920?" "F Scott Fitzgerald used it in that sense." "she's a witch"?" "No." "surely?" ""Wicked" as in the sense of good." "If you said that in the 14th century "I'm wicked" they'd set fire to you." "Much of the youth slang we associate with the '60s and '70s is American jazz speak from the '30s or earlier." "how many wives would you have?" "'# Christmas!" "#' Up to nine." "Up to nine?" "Yes." "KLAXON BLARES" "I'm afraid." "Does it?" "Up to nine is many?" "Famously counts as many!" "It's "several" after nine." "It's different." "I've only had up to nine." "officer." "What do you mean I can't drive a tractor at 4am through the shopping centre?" ""I was just after some shoes." Mormons are associated with plural marriages. telling him he could have as many wives as he liked." "But they were stopped by the American government." "You can believe what you like but you can't do what you like." "but you can't have it as a practice." "but there's no legal...?" "No." "They'd go to prison." "People live in groups of up to nine without..." "This is the weird thing." "We treat polygamy as if it's some terrible thing like incest." "if you deceive someone by having a mistress and a whole family... that would be breaking the law." "It's odd." "Or a woman said that to two men." "It's a tricky time to bring it up at Christmas." "I just don't see why it's so illegal if people willingly enter it." "If it's a deception it's wrong." "Should it be capped at a certain number?" "Up to nine." "the Bailey rule." "I'm not a slag!" "LAUGHTER" "You can't do it?" "They don't condone polygamy." "It's against the law. had a convenient divine revelation telling him that the practice should stop." "So God came in at the last minute." "That's good." "That is handy." "There are the lovely Osmonds." "Aren't they lovely?" "members of the Church of Latter-Day Saints." "what teeth!" "They were rubbish." "the long-haired lover from Liverpool." "Big Graham Osmond was the one they kept in the attic." "Who had terrible teeth!" "And one massive claw." "And he wrote all the songs." "Like that." "He groaned them into a tin can with a piece of string." "GROANING" "Crazy horses!" "There you go!" "Cra-a-azy!" "Ho-o-orses!" "A-oooo!" "A-ooo!" "You're very bad and you know it." "Paper roses!" "Graham?" "A-oooo!" "LEE:" "Bring me another wife!" "pull yourself together." "Bill Bailey said!" "I've only got eight!" "LAUGHTER" "I'm allowed to have many!" "behave!" "Pull yourself together at once!" "LAUGHTER" "The Church...of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints..." "LEE:" "What a great idea..." "MUFFLED:" "I'm a long-haired lover from Liverpool!" "Doctor Who goes into the attic and finds the elderly secret brother of the Osmonds." "That's how they kill off David Tennant!" "Imagine that!" "LAUGHTER" "PlayedbyBillBailey!" "You're sick puppies." "I'm very ashamed of you." "has forbidden polygamy for 120 years." "Which brings us to the magical mystery tour of General Ignorance." "put your fingers on your buzzers." "What are these gentlemen spelling out in semaphore?" "'# Christmas #' Yes?" "you'd think!" "KLAXON BLARES" "Paul McCartney died"?" "You're not quite there." ""I am a walrus"?" "'# Christmas. #'" "We" is George." "John is "all"." "Paul is "live"." "And Ringo is "yellow submarine"." "But not "in" one?" "No." "That's the elderly brother of the Beatles that's not seen." "Don't start that!" "I'm living in a yellow submarine!" "Daydreambeliever!" "Help!" "I need somebody." "I need somebody!" "LAUGHTER I'll write that down." "Well done." "the photographer who was commissioned to do the cover but nobody liked the outcome graphically." "they positioned their arms in a pleasing arrangement spelling N U J V." "Like so." "It probably meant something to them." "the first of the great Beatles conspiracy theories." "people said." "Isn't it tragic?" "It's the fans who ruin the band!" "John had died and been replaced." "stuff him... they would know that John's in it." "He's not dead." "HELP would have looked like..." "Seems perfectly acceptable." "it was NUJV." "What are the other famous..." "or infamous Beatles...?" "Bare foot on the Abbey Road cover." "It's the absolute classic." "What did that indicate?" "Dead." "George as a grave digger - why a grave digger in denim?" "is a corpse." "You might also notice that he's carrying a cigarette." "that cigarette has disappeared." "Look!" "It's gone!" "Wow!" "Disappeared. didn't like the way it looked so they went with NUJV." "What does Puff The Magic Dragon have in common with Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds?" "'# Christmas. # Lee." "Are they both about drugs?" "KLAXON BLARES No." "A lot of people think they are but neither is." "Do you know Puff The Magic Dragon?" "ALL:" "# Puff the magic dragon lived by the sea" "# And wallowed in the autumn mist In a land of...ee!" "# Puff the magic dragon... # LAUGHTER yeah." "It's based on an Ogden Nash rhyme called the Really-O Truly-O Dragon." "I was 20 at Cornell in 1959." "I was so square." "Drugs had not emerged." "Puff was a good dragon." "You've heard that from the mouth of the dragon's daddy." "It is not about drugs." "there is that!" "It was going well until the end." "Do you know the story of Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds?" "Yeah." "Julian came home from play group with a picture and he said it's Lucy in the sky with diamonds." "Brilliant." "He'd written the whole song?" " Bloke upstairs goes "It's my job!"" " You've stolen my painting!" "Christ!" "He'd done a..." "Little Julian..." "LAUGHTER" "God!" "Little Julian had painted a picture of his friend Lucy in play group." ""Lucy in the sky with diamonds." "Lennon and the other Beatles didn't notice that the initials spelled out..." "LSD. ..until after the record was released." "something seasonal." "A man goes to the doctor." "I can't stop singing Auld Lang Syne." "I'll have to send you to the Burns unit." "GROANS What's wrong with that joke?" "Is it absolutely terrible?" "KLAXON BLARES" "APPLAUSE" "is it?" "When is it?" "25th January." "You wouldn't be singing Auld Lang Syne on Burns Night." "You'd sing it on New Year's Eve." "That's true." "You'd be waiting three weeks." "But most people think that Auld Lang Syne was written by Rabbie Burns." "Auld Lang Syne wasn't even written by Burns." "Yes!" "That's right. he himself said it was a traditional song that he wrote down." "35 years before Burns was born." "especially in the Far East." "Yes." "In Japan it's played daily to mark closing time in most large department stores." "How did Burns sign himself?" "What did he call himself?" "Rabbie." "and Rab and Robert." "although everyone calls him Robbie or Rabbie." "Auld Lang Syne?" "Old..." "Old..." "Remembrance?" "Kind of "old long since"." "It means "in the old days"." "Anybody who gives me the lyrics gets points." "DAVID:" "# Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind" "OTHERS JOIN IN:" "# Should auld acquaintance be forgot for the sake of auld lang syne my dear For auld lang syne" "DAVID: # We'll take a cup o' kindness yet yes." "Full points!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE drugs and rock 'n' roll brings us to the end of the QI office party." "let's see if everyone has scored." "Bless my blimey! I'm afraid our last place loser tonight is Lee Mack!" "APPLAUSE AND CHEERS it's Bill Bailey!" "CHEERS AND APPLAUSE This is getting tense." "David Tennant!" "CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Alan Davies is the winner!" "CHEERS AND WHISTLES" "Alan and me." "I thought I'd leave you with a joke about doctors and time travel." "I keep seeing into the future." "When did this start?" "Next Tuesday afternoon." "Good night and happy Christmas." "CHEERS AND WHISTLES" "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd"