"Senior surgical staff and Father Mulcahy report to Colonel Blake's office." "On the double." "Shake it, sirs." " Will you be serving drinks, sir?" " Radar, this is not a social function." "It's probably the most serious meeting I've called." "This will take all my resources to guide us through these rocky waters." "This'll be a real test of my leadershipmanship." "So..." " no booze." " Yes, sir." " Colonel." " Morning, Father." "Take a pew." " We're here, Colonel." " Good." "Just park your heinie." " It better be important." "Major Burns is busy." " It's important." "He certainly hopes so." "These senseless meetings have wasted enough of his time." "You're in very good voice today, Frank." "Be sure to wind him up for the question period." " Hi, Henry." "Skull session?" " Where's Pierce?" "He'll be along." "He's giving a nurse mouth-to-mouth resuscitation." "Ten-hut!" "Come on, Pierce." "Can the tomfoolery." " Morning, Father." " Morning." " Comfortable?" " Yes." "This your first flight?" "All right, people." "I'm gonna give it to you straight." "Starting right now, we're all going to have to put our shoulders to the wheel, our noses to the grindstone." "We've got to hunker down and pull together, all for one and one for all." "Welcome to the Henry Blake Cliché Festival." " I happen to be serious, McIntyre." " Then stop talking in samplers." "Our supply line's been cut." "Who did that?" "The other side, Frank." "We can't do everything ourselves." "Radar, read a partial list of things we won't be getting for a while." "Yes, sir." ""Fruit, vegetables, assorted food, fuel oil, blankets, bandages, linen replacements, toilet paper."" "That hurts." ""No mail call, no electrical parts, no flares, no winter clothing, no playing cards, no shuttlecocks..."" "That does it." "How do they expect us to fight a war without shuttlecocks?" "If they can fly wounded in here, why not supplies?" "If RegimentaI's right, we won't be getting any casualties." "That Regimental said to Custer "One last stand, then you can go home."" "I think HQ knows what it's doing, buster." " It's galling to hear officers mock command." " I'm not an officer." "Two guys from the draft board caught me with a butterfly net." "There you go." "There's your lounge lizard at war." "That one I gotta write down." "We've had it too good too long." "What would have happened in 1776 if the Minutemen on their way to Concord had stopped to worry about toilet paper?" "So we would have had independence ten minutes later." "Let's put a lid on the bickering." "We're all in this together." "I think this unit should go on immediate red alert." "That makes good sense." "I would make it conditional." " On what?" " On what does "red alert" mean?" "Emergency situation." "Drastic measures." "Distribution of power." " Watch it." "This is how they got the tzar." " I know what to do." " Here, sir." " Radar, gimme this clipboard I got." " All right, during this situation of..." " Red alert." "Red alert." "..the following people will be in charge of these things that they'll..." "that they'll be in charge of." "Fruit, vegetables, assorted food..." " Major Frank Burns." " Here, sir!" "He could've fooled me." "Burns, you'll be in charge of conservation, distribution, and possible rationing of food." "Captain McIntyre, heat and electrical power." "Pierce, maintenance and general service and supplies." "Major Houlihan, you will look after the nurses." "I'll trade you maintenance for nurse looking-after." "Down, Pierce." "Now, Radar will be the housing officer." "Before this is over, we may have to double or triple up to save heat." "Radar will decide who sleeps with who." "Radar, I'd like to see you right after the meeting." " What's my assignment, skipper?" " Father Mulcahy, of course." "You'll be in charge of morale." ""I" for Isaiah, 26." "I-26." ""N" for Nazareth." "N-37." "Bingo!" "I got it, Father!" "All right, let's review." " What have you got there?" " Bingo, sir." "Nazareth put me over." "Those are coffee beans!" "We're facing a food shortage, and you're playing with people's beans!" " Father, I'm surprised at you." " I only thought for morale purposes..." " Lay off the father, Major." " Will you stay out of this?" " Where did you get that mink coat?" " I paid for it myself." ""What did you do in the war, Daddy?"" ""I was latrine officer, son." "My outfit never made a move without me."" "Hey, should we leave in the staples?" "Damn the staples, man." "This is war." "Everyone has to live dangerously." "Close the door!" "OK, guys, put it right in here." "What's going on?" "New sleeping arrangements by order of Corporal O'Reilly, housing officer." "By order of Captain McIntyre, heating officer." " Radar." " Sir?" "I wanna dictate an order." "Radar, am I getting taller or is the room shrinking?" " Somebody cut the legs off, sir." " That's dirty pool." "They'll burn anything to keep warm, sir." "I know, but to cut off a man's legs and steal his drawers..." "OK, take an order." " We're out of paper, sir." " They burn that, too?" "Not right off." "Due to shortage of oil and wood, tonight's movie will be burned at 1800 hours." "Where did you get that wood, soldier?" "My sister sent it to me, sir." "Come in, Frank!" "Hi." "Is the lady of the house in?" " What are you selling?" " That depends." "What are you buying?" "Frank, you have the perfect personality in a crisis." "I've got something better than that." " Frank, it's so cold." " Wait." "Frank, a baked ham!" "Where did you get it?" "As food supply officer, I requisitioned it on a chain-of-command priority basis." " You swiped it." " Right." " How can we eat when others go hungry?" " We're leaders." "We need to be strong." "The others will be weak, but we'll be strong because we've got the food they didn't get." "Frank, when you say it, it makes so much sense." "You've eaten all the pineapple." " I hate to admit it, but war can be exciting." " Yes, when God is on your side." "Who is it?" " Heating officer." " You can't come in!" "Then we'll huff and we'll puff, and we'll blow your nurse down." "Just one moment!" " That hotplate has to go." " Says who?" " He's in charge of heat." " Who are you?" "I'm his helper." "He doesn't like to heat alone." "We're cutting down on electricity, except for the hospital." "Has somebody been operating on a pig here?" "What a dumbbell question." "Trap, you smell it?" "Unless I'm mistaken, we've interrupted a luau-ectomy." "Take the hot plate and get out." "No, no, no!" "All right, Frank, let go of that." "I got you covered." " 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello." " What is it?" "Mr Minuteman has climbed down the Washington Monument to do a little Valley Forge gorging." "I'm deeply ashamed." "Major Houlihan had nothing to do with it." "I alone perpetrated this awful act of greed." "Major, what happened here tonight will never leave this room." " What about the ham?" " It will be put back from whence it came." " Of course." "I'll do it." " We'll do it." " How do we know you won't eat it?" " Give us a saliva test later." " Captain, Captain." " Yeah, yeah?" " You're both most gracious." " Say no more, ma'am." "Frank, we'll expect a $100 every Tuesday." "Small bills, in a plain envelope." " Oh, you!" " We are not." "All personnel must begin sleeping together." "Check bulletin board to determine the sex of your tent." "What's for dinner?" "Brick again?" "I gotta heat my cot." " I'm going to invent an electric bedpan." " Yeah, sure." "You scoff." "They laughed at Orville Wright when he invented his brother, Wilbur." "Said he would never get him off the ground." " Guess I'm your bunk buddy for tonight." " Welcome aboard." "This is quite a hotel you have here." "This is where the Ritz hit the fan." " Where do I sleep?" " On anything that doesn't move." "And if you pray in your sleep, please try to mumble." "Of course." "I guess I'll just brush my teeth now, and hit the old sack." "Roger, Father." "Hi." "This is where I'm supposed to be tonight." "You either need an escort or you have to wear a necktie." "Where do I park it?" " Do you like to read at night?" " Yeah." "Take the cot next to Frank." "He gives off a glow." " That one right there." " I never slept in an officer's tent before." "We'll try to be kind." "Cheeky, the house dick." "What's the idea of the gun, Frank?" "The enemy cuts off your supply lines, you get cold and hungry, then they go right for your soft underbelly." "That's why the rifle." " Just like you to panic." " Who's panicking?" "Do you see anybody else pressing the soft-underbelly button?" " What's he doing in here?" " Sharing our tent." "Not on your nelly!" "You won't catch me sleeping with an enlisted man." "Frank." "Just wrap yourself in the flag and go to sleep." "And don't get in bed with that gun." "That's an order!" "A captain can't give a major an order!" " Then it's a threat." " That's different." "This was a great war till you guys showed up." " Colonel Blake's party." " We have your reservation, sir." "A single bed for you, a cradle for your son." "Let's not have a lot of tongue wagging in here tonight." "Which bed should I take, sir?" "Let me face away from everybody, Radar, on account of my snoring." "Oh, lovely." " Henry, you're joking." " Joking?" "I could be on the Olympic snoring team." "I snored the siding half off of my house." "I even got a fan letter once from the seismograph people at Fordham." "How are we supposed to sleep with that?" "If it gets too bad, just do what my wife does." " What's that?" " Hold me close." "Oh, rats." "I have to go to the sandbox." "Klinger, excuse me." "Sorry." " Hey, power boss." " Yeah." " Can we afford a little night music?" " About 30 minutes." " What kind of cold cream is that, Corporal?" " Crème de Menthe." "My wife uses it." "On her corns." " Frank, you're all romance, you devil." " Shut your face!" "Any of you sirs want anything before I do my nails?" "What you say we all observe about eight hours of silence?" "Excuse me, Burns." "Better keep the brass monkeys in tonight." "I guess we're all here." "Our Heavenly Father, we thank thee for seeing us through this day and ask thy divine help for tomorrow." "Same time, same station." "Sorry, Father." "That's quite all right." "Humour, too, is one of his creations." "It's been years." "Let me see if I can recall that prayer." ""Now I lay me down to sleep, a bag of peanuts at my feet."" ""If I should die before I wake, give them to my brother Jake."" "Attention." "Incoming wounded." "Heavy casualties expected inside the hour." "All personnel on full alert." "They said there wouldn't be more casualties." "If I were you, I'd sue North Korea for every penny they've got." "All right, everybody, up and at 'em." "We got ourselves a new ball game." "All the food, all the fuel." "Patients get first priority." "Let's move!" "I knew all this was too good to last." "Hello, Regimental?" "Yeah, hold on for Colonel Henry Blake." "Sir, Regimental!" "Regimental?" "Henry Blake here, MASH 4077th." "We're running out ofjust about anything you guys would care to name." "Fuel, rations." "Yeah." "And newspaper is selling for one dollar a page." "A dollar a page." "Stars and Stripes, anything we can get our hands on." "Right." "What do you say you get on the stick down there?" "Yeah..." "I realise..." "Yes." "Now, wait..." "Hey, just lis..." "Now, look, buddy, I bought a lot of war bonds and you are now talking to a pretty upset stockholder." "Pickups and scissors." " Chisel." " Yes, Doctor." "For guys who aren't wounded, they're doing a good imitation." " Kelly clamp." " Kelly." " Frank, you're magnificent under stress." " Thank you." "Attention, all surgical personnel." "Electrical power will be cut by ten per cent." "And please use whole blood only when absolutely necessary." " Try not to bleed, huh?" " All they can send us is casualties." "Everything else they run out of." "Clamp that artery." "It's bleeding against orders." "This place ought to be called Benedict Arnold Hospital!" "Frank made ajoke." "I think we ought to get a second opinion on that." "Comrades, comrades" "Ever since we were boys" "Sharing each other's sorrows" "Sharing each other's joys" ""Uninhibited nurse interested in Nietzsche, Freud, Beethoven and Pre-Colombian art will spend evening with anybody with five pieces of wood."" ""Hungry?" "Cold?" "Tired of it all?"" ""Come to tent nine, change into something comfy, put on mask and wait."" ""No appointment necessary."" "Sir, we have to set up in here tonight." "It's a smaller tent, less heat required." "I understand, Radar." "Radar, what's the poop on the overall situation, status-wise?" "Not too bad, sir." "The food's holding out and the fuel's OK." "We are having a little trouble with the T-paper shortage." "People are breaking into the fortune cookies." "And I really feel that we girls have held up our end of this critical situation in true-blue American fashion." "When this is over, I will personally send in a commendation for those who have acted in the Yankee Doodlest manner." " Good night." " Good night, Major." "Good night, Major." "Klinger!" "Out!" " Frank, stop swinging." " I can't help it." "What time does this tent land at Ellis Island?" "Can we put a lid on the chatter?" "I'd like to get some shuteye." "Hear, hear." " Radar?" " Sir?" " You wear boots to bed?" " Just in case I have to... you know." "Radar, I wish you hadn't said that." "Henry?" "Not again?" "I'd give $5 if somebody'd go to the latrine for me." " I'd go." " That'd be 2.50, Henry." "No sense fighting it." "I think you're ready for a 3,000-mile check." "Hi, guys and sirs." " Hi." " Klinger, you promised to be home by ten." "Houlihan threw me out of the nurses' tent." "She found out I was a man." "You gotta get up pretty early in the morning to fool Major Houlihan." " Bring back tomorrow's New York Times." " Very funny, McIntyre." "Maybe there's a review of the war." "Just our luck, it'll be a hit and we'll be here for five years." "Just go to sleep, will ya?" "Radar, save my place." "Let's go to sleep fast before he comes back." "Could you believe that snoring he did last night?" "Speaking of noise, why don't you shut your yaps?" "We'll have to move." "The people upstairs are impossible." "Knock it off, you foul balls." "Now, now, fellows, this should be our finest hour." "Father, your cross keeps sticking me." "Forgive me, son." " Why aren't you sleeping with a blanket?" " None of your beeswax." " Everybody else is freezing." " It's my metabolism." "I'm hyperthyroid." "Very low blood pressure, very low body temperature." "That comes from being dead for two years." "His feet are hot." "What are you doing with hot feet?" "His socks are hot, too." " Keep out of my socks!" " He's wired." "Look, a battery!" "They're hunting socks." "I got a bra like that." "Maybe I'll sleep in the nurses' tent." "What am I saying?" " Share some of that heat." " Don't you unplug me!" " What the hell's going on?" " Frank's tootsies are wired!" " What?" " They're hunting socks." " At this hour?" " I'll get the bingo cards set up for breakfast." " Take off his socks!" " For crying out loud!" "Father, it's cold out there." "Want my stole?" "Why, thank you, my son." " We're desperate, Frank!" " Give us your socks!" " No!" " Then put your feet in my pocket." " Are you crazy?" " Give me a toe." "Come on!" "Let's not turn into animals." "Gimme that back!" "McIntyre!" "Pierce!" "Those are my socks!" "Those are my batteries!" " Henry, did you call Regimental yet?" " Yes, and they said they're doing their best." "People at the Alamo are still waiting for supplies." " Gripe, gripe, gripe!" " The boys are marching." "Kocher." "Here you go." " Major." " Yes, Doctor?" " You're dedicated to human life?" " Of course." " Blow in my ear." " What?" "I'm so cold, I think my pilot's gone out." " 3-0 chromic." " 3-0 chromic." "I don't know whether to close this patient or crawl inside him." "Sir?" "I got some great news." " Tell me what it is, and then burn it." " Regimental called." " Collect, right?" " No, they sent us a ton of stuff." "A whole truck." "Oil, warm clothes, steaks, hamburgers, firewood, everything we need." "Settle down." "That stuff'll be out there waiting for us." "First things first." "Forceps." "I told you the army'd come through!" "Right again, Frank." "My one regret is I didn't live to see it." "Metzenbaum scissors." "No." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "Now, don't get me wrong, Corporal." "I'm very grateful for all the supplies." "Yes." "I mean, you guys saved our lives." "You're welcome." "No, it's just my office." "It's my office." "You see, during the recent crisis, people had this aversion to freezing, so they just burned anything that didn't move or salute." "Isn't it?" "I mean, I'm talking to you from deep inside a real big empty."