"Huh!" "Hello, Lady." "Edith?" "You okay in there?" "Yes, dear, I'm fine." "Do you need anything from the store?" "Hurry up, guys." "Clara!" "You're going to be late for school!" "Orange juice, perhaps." "Does Lady need food?" "I don't know." "Okay, well, I'm closing the door now, Edith." "It's not safe to leave it open." "'Cause I live in a firetrap." "Come on." "It's not a firetrap." "That's a treasure trove." "If stacks of stuff dated from the '50s count as a treasure trove." "Oh, they do." "Avery, you're gonna have to move the car today, remember?" "Right." "You sit in it with Lucas and hold our spot and I'll walk Clara over." " Right." "Okay!" "Oh..." "Come on, sweetie." "Careful, guys." "Careful, guys." "Didn't I just clean this out last week?" "Hey, check it out." "Look at those books!" "Think we can get them before mom notices?" "No, Avery, please." "Put your family's best interest first." "Think of the common good." "That's exactly what I'm doing." "That's exactly what I'm doing." "Okay, in the car we go." "Can I have some?" "I wish I was French, too." "It's my birthday tomorrow." "I'm gonna be six!" "And I'm having my party up there tonight!" "Really?" "In your apartment." "For my sixth birthday, we had a private marionette show." "I'm gonna have 10 friends!" "My seventh was at the Swedish Cottage." "First, my mom said I could only have six friends because I'm gonna be six." "Then, Serendipity 3 delivered frozen hot chocolate." "But then, my dad talked her into letting me have 10." "Afterwards, my friends and I got carriage rides in Central Park at sunset." "I'm gonna have a triple layer cake, with purple frosting." "And I'm gonna have really cool goodie bags, right, Mom?" "Not the goodie bags again." "Eliza, you are brave." "Really?" "How so?" "Just to live as you do, you know?" "The stairs, the children, the car, the dog." "It's a bit exhausting, no?" "Is that your definition of "brave"?" "Eliza, could you give me a hand with this buckle?" "Um, Mom, you forgot my backpack, and I definitely need it before choice time." "Okay." "Eliza, are you...?" "Are you wearing your nightgown?" "Has it really come to this?" "That I, Eliz a K. Welch, find myself humiliated in my nightgown in front of my neighbor's townhouse?" "My husband has run Clara around the corner to P.S. 3, and I have exactly nine minutes to write." "How can a mother articulate her ideas with anything approaching wit or conviction in such ridiculously tiny wedges of time?" "Oh, it's ZachsMommy again." ""Quit complaining, SanctaMommy!" "No one has any time." "Save your quest for self-expression until the kids go off to college."" "Must a woman's soul wither and die simply because she opted to become a mother?" "I want to finish the laundry and a complex sentence, to think tantalizingly deep thoughts and throw a magical birthday party for my daughter." "Is that truly too much to ask?" "Tomorrow, Clara turns six." "She's more than half way to double digits." "She'll be going to college in 12 years." "That used to seem like a long time." "Now I can blink, and it'd be over." ""Speak your mind and become our resident Mom-ologist with your very own column, worth up to 3,000 dollars a month!" "Runners-up receive either 1,000 dollars or an all-expense paid trip to this year's Mamapaloo z a, the festival for moms who rock."" "You've gotta be kidding me." ""Just send us 500 words telling us what motherhood means to you."" "Oh, my God!" "It's perfect!" "Oh, no." "Folks, coming up, we're going to see the historic former home of Edna St. Vincent Millay." "But first, get those cameras ready..." "Excuse me." "This is a neighborhood, people, not a theme park." ""Get her picture!" "Get her...!" ""Here's the corner we all know and love from Friends."" "Though, whenever you see an inside shot, that was actually filmed on a soundstage in Los Angeles." "Hurry, kids!" "Hurry!" "Come on!" "Hey!" "Sheila!" "Sheila!" "Hi!" "What's shakin', babe?" "Do I have Joan Crawford eyebrows?" "I applied pencil like it was magic marker, and I didn't check." "Tell me the truth." "No, they look good." "They're, 'ya know, zesty." "Zesty?" "I have to have this in Clara's classroom by choice time, or it's sudden death for Bad Mommy." " Will you walk with me?" " Sure." "Hey, do you want me to pick up Clara and bring her with us?" "'Cause I know Trixie would love it." "But I thought Joel had the kids on Fridays." "Oh, he's in Santa Fe." "Oh..." "Chasing another new wild potter?" "I don't know." "Maybe." "Who cares?" "I've really gotta go for this, right?" "I mean, there's something validating about having a real job, you know?" "It's been awhile." "Yeah, there's definitely something validating about having a real job." "I mean, especially one that actually pays you more than the childcare required to do it." "And it has been awhile." "You sure you're ready to move beyond entourages of organic snacks?" "Completely!" "I mean, it gives me a chance to explore what it really means to become a mother, and nobody talks about this stuff." "The sleep deprivation, the funks, the non-stop cleaning, the death of lust." "I can see Lunchbo x magazine flying off the stands." "Here's my first headline:" ""To thine own self be true:" "Don't Breed."" "Too late." "Hi, Trixie!" "Shit!" " What?" " Avery forgot to walk Coupon!" "Shit is right." "You better get home, or you're gonna find a deposit on your rug." "Avery?" "Avery." "Avery." "This stuff is incredible, really." "Uh, Avery, um, did you forget something this morning?" "What?" "I don't know, it was essentially our firstborn, you know?" "The one with the incontinence issues?" "Oops, sorry." "Single most abused word in the English language." ""Oops" or "sorry"?" "All right, so I'll stay with Lucas, and you go get Coupon." "Oh, no, no, no." "You can't do that." "I got an editorial meeting at 9:30." "If I don't leave now, I'm never gonna make it." "No, no, no, no!" "You never told me that!" "Yes, I did." "I told you this morning while you were combing Clara's hair." "Don't worry, I'll be back by 1:00." "No, but 1:00 is too late!" "I don't think Coupon can hold it till then, and he can't walk himself because he can't make it down the stairs anymore." "Holy Moly!" "Did you go to the cash machine at least?" "Eliza, I wish you would stop talking to me like I'm impaired." "Yes, I did." "I..." "No..." "I'm sorry, okay?" "There's just something I want to do today." "It's incredible." "It's this writing thing, which could be just perfect for me and..." "I guess I'll just figure out how to get it all done by myself." " Bye!" " Bye!" "Oh, come on." "I got ya!" "Orange juice." "Edith?" "I forgot your orange juice." "I'm sorry, I'll bring you some more later?" "Orange juice?" "I don't need any orange juice, dear." "I'm closing the door now, Edith." "It's not safe to leave it open." "Okay." "Hurry up, Coupon, let's go." "Street sweeper!" "Street sweeper!" "Oh!" "Oh, God." "Coupon!" "Get busy." "Get busy." "Get a Prius, New Jersey!" "Go home, scumbag!" "Good job, Coupon!" "Good boy!" "So, you just gonna leave it there?" "No, I just, I gotta get my kid in the car, so I can move the car, so the street sweeper can clean the street." "I'll pick it up later." "What if someone steps in it before then?" "I'll call 311 and make a complaint." "Well, I haven't found that very effective, but be my guest." "Here, honey." "And you're not even going to strap him in?" "Give me a break." "Okay..." "Oh, no!" "Come on, lady, move it!" "Now where the hell is this guy?" "What's going on?" "Every Tuesday and Friday you gotta move your car so they can clean the street." "Oh, except this one here." "They're from Jersey." "They leave it, and then pay the ticket." "It's cheaper than a garage." "And then the street sweeper can't get around!" "Hey, move it, Volvo lady!" "Move that freakin' car!" "I can't, I'll lose my spot!" "Why doesn't everybody just back up?" "Come on!" "Move your car!" "Come around!" "We can't move, 'ya cunt!" "Motherfucker!" "What is that woman doing?" "She's nuts." "Look, that's her dog shit." "She just left it there." " Oh!" " Give him hell!" "Did you just say what I think you said?" "Yeah, that's right, you heard me." "You just used the C-word in front of a child, in front of a school!" "Your mother must be very proud of you." "Hey, you leave my mother out of this!" "No, no, no." "She must be very, very proud that her son grew up to be..." "What do you do?" "Oh, roofing!" "That her son's a roofer." " Shut up, lady." " Impressive." "Do they give you a degree in that?" "Advanced shingling?" "Hey, I said, shut up!" "All right, I'm sorry that I insulted your profession." "Well, somebody's gotta fix roofs." "Right." "Agreed." "I mean, I'm one to talk." "I'm just trying to raise two kids in this godforsaken city that's a shadow of its former self." "Do you ever think about maybe moving out to the suburbs?" "Like we could afford the taxes!" "Yeah, I hear you on that." "I hear you on that." "He's escaping!" "Somebody call the police!" "Hey, you better get up there!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "No!" "Move the car!" "This isn't a parking lot!" "What are you doing?" "Oh!" "Sweetie!" "Sweetie!" "Oh, no, no, no!" "I'm so sorry." "Back you go." "Report her to social services!" "Hey, cut the lady some slack." "Can't you see she's having a hard day?" "Thank you." "Oh, watch out!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Look." "Lucas, sweetie, I am so sorry I left you all alone like that." "And mommy's sorry she was smoking, too." "And yelling." "Smoking and yelling are two things that Lunchbo x Magazine would tell you to avoid." "I'm sorry." "Mommy's just gonna, just race around the block as fast as she can." "As quick as a wink!" "A wink!" "Oh!" "I'm gonna lose my spot!" "Oh, no." "Don't!" "Oh, no-no-no-no-no!" "Hey!" "No, no, no!" "All right, one sec." "Don't, don't, don't." "Excuse me!" "Look, I'm sorry to bother you!" "I know you're not napping because I saw you just pull into my spot." "It's not your spot." "But I live here." "You live in the West Village, so you can afford to park someplace else." "No, you can say that, but you'd be wrong, okay?" "My apartment is right there, rather I should say, our apartments." "You've got more than one apartment?" "They're rent stabilized, and one is a studio." "Look, I'm throwing a birthday party for my daughter tonight, and I need to park here so I can stash stuff in the car." "That is, if I can fit anything, considering my husband has filled the back of the car with old books." "You see, he has this fantasy of starting an online rare book business to enrich our lifestyle." "How about that?" "Anyway, we live in a walk-up." "Oh!" "Come on!" ""My, what a wonderful house this would be." "I will live in it until the people who own it come for it." "And then, the little old man..."" "Oh, that's us." "Okay." "Come on, sweetie." "Ah..." "Okay, here we go." "Ooh!" "Come, sweetie, here we go." "Yeah..." "Good sharing, Courtney!" "I am very proud of you for your excellent sharing." "No, no, drop it." "That's made in China." "Hey!" "Watch it." "He's a whole lot smaller than you." "Excuse me, did you just say something?" "Did she say something to you, Jordan?" "Look, I'm sorry, but your son nearly crushed my kid." "He's a whole lot bigger." "Are you saying my son's overweight?" "I said big." "Actually, what I said was "bigger."" "Don't you dare ever speak to him again." "It's glandular!" "No, Trish." "Trish, you cook pot roast at 375." "Yeah." "And don't forget to mail the Con-Ed bill, please." "My wife." "Yeah, okay, bye." "Jodie Foster alert." "Excuse me?" "I swear to God, it's Jodie!" "She's coming in right now." "Jodie, Jodie!" "Over here, Jodie!" "Who's the father?" "Last week, I had a Sarah Jessica Parker sighting." "I've seen Julianne Moore, Kate Winslet, and James Gandolfini." "I swear, it's like a movie star playground." "I come in all the way from Scarsdale because, you know, you never know," "I could sell it to Us, right?" "Who's your baby-daddy, Jodie?" "You should work in a soup kitchen, you fucking parasites." "Here you go, honey." "Got your jacket?" "Should a mother really have to choose between simply getting her kid some fresh air and being stalked by the mamaraz zi?" "Hey, Eliza." "Hey, Lily!" "Hey, Bodhi!" " Say hi." " Hi." "What's with the HAZMAT suit?" "Oh, this?" "It's a UV-protection robe." "I got it for Bodhi off this website." "They make them in Australia." "Because of the warming." "Ah..." "I hate to say this, but he kinda looks like a little baby Klansman." "Oh, well, it cuts out 99 percent of harmful rays." "I can send you the link if you want." "I got Indy a poncho off it." "Maybe Clara would want one." "It's okay." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to interrupt you." "No, no, no." "I'm just..." "entering this contest." "Really?" "What's the contest?" "Just write 500 words about what motherhood means to me." "What are you gonna say?" "Um..." "Stuff, I guess." "I don't know." "How motherhood is all about rainbows and unicorns and sunny days and..." "I've got something up my sleeve." "Okay." "Hey, do you want to borrow some?" "It's cruelty and chemical free." "They make it in Oregon." "No, thanks." "Lily?" "Lily, what are you doing?" "Oh, haven't you read The Crying and the Raging?" "It's the most amazing book." "This pediatrician in Norway came up with the theory that if you really connect with your child in his moment of pain, it calms them down." "It's really made a difference for me and Bodhi." "Lily, will you excuse me for a second?" "Oh, sure." "Are you feeling better?" "Do you have the hiccups?" "Let's look around and see what we see." "I think I see a little chipmunk." "Oh, that's not a chipmunk." "I don't have the faintest notion what motherhood means to me, you know what I mean?" "Since when does a stroller have to cost as much as a car?" "Okay, a used car." "Since the world has started breeding more." " Oh!" " What?" " I can't believe..." " What?" "They towed my goddamn car!" " Oh, shit." " Oh!" "Please leave your message at the beep." "Avery, where are you?" "I'm freaking out, okay?" "They're shooting on our block again." "They moved the cars." "Call me as soon as you get this." "I gotta go." "Bye." "Where is my car?" "We have a resident here." "She can pick up her car anytime." "Copy that." "Who moved it?" "Well, there's signs on all the posts." "Check them." "No parking today." "There were no signs when I left it here an hour ago." " Right there!" " Ma'am, look..." "Don't "ma'am" me!" "I may technically be old enough to be your mother, but I am not a "ma'am."" "The car's been moved to a secure location on Barrow Street, all the way west." "Film crews are supposed to give 24-hour notice." "I can give you the number to the mayor's office if you'd like to call and file a complaint." "Very helpful." "Great." "You're telling me that you towed my car, and I have to bite it, right?" "Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to cross the street." "We're setting up here." "Hester, can you believe this?" "I'm gonna piss in a pot and dump it on 'em later." "Out the window, splat." "Right on!" "Danny, go to two." "Why is it that once you pass 35 and have a kid in tow, you automatically become a "ma'am"?" ""Ma'am" means support hose, a girdle, a bad perm." "I'll wear hot pants and platforms when I'm on a walker if only to avoid being called "ma'am."" "Avery, Avery, Avery!" "Answer your phone for once, Avery!" "You've reached Avery." "Please leave your message..." "I used to be fluid, I used to be, I don't know, graceful." "Now my words come out, and they just sound like bad ad copy." "Well, maybe your brain's worn out from over-sharing." "Sheila, just blog-slam me when I'm down!" "Avery lost his cell phone, by the way, the ultimate passive-aggressive act." "Avery would lose his scrotum if it wasn't attached." "Well, it's either that, or he silenced it, which is the most effective way of silencing me." "Ah..." "No longer my problem, being silenced." "I mean, God forbid I ever raised a topic from Joel's top 10 list of "musts to avoid."" "Like, why you can't balance his checkbook." "Or vacuum." "Or remember the substitute teacher's name." "Or tolerate a single comment about September 11 at the dinner table." "God, maybe that's gonna show up in the divorce papers." ""Refused to stop referencing traumatic event more than six years after the fact."" "Mm-hmm." ""By the way, 'Why can't you just get over it?"'" "I'll tell you why." "'Cause you're always thinking, you're always wondering, "What if?"" "I mean, have I done everything I could possibly do to stave off disaster?" "Did I tell Clara how much I loved her this morning before school, just in case she never makes it home again." "Oh, Liz, you gotta stop." "I can't stop." "Well, as a fearless leader once said," ""When you can't stop, you must shop."" "You know, the grand irony of the whole thing is that the first time around, all I wanted..." "Thank you." "...was for Joel to leave me alone and not touch me." "Well, that was because your joints ached." "And I had to pee every five seconds." "Which is better than peeing all over yourself, which is what you do after you give birth." "Yeah, the cruel twist of fate is that at this time, all the women do is shag." "And there is nobody to shag me." "She got pregnant through sympathy sex." "Her husband felt guilty after he ran off, so he sent the kids out with a sitter, got a bottle of wine, and jumped on her." "Shagged me madly." "Got her pregnant..." "And then he left her." "Pig!" "Oh, yeah." "Hey, you guys..." " That's nice." " It's pretty, yeah." "For a 6-year-old." "I gotta tell you something." "It does not leave this room." "Okay, so last night, I got the kids to bed about 9:00, and I ran a bath, which would have been really lovely except I only had that Strawberry Shortcake bubble bath." " So I'm lying there, in the bath..." " Yeah... naked..." "What?" "What?" "Good!" "You know the little, um, motorized submarine bath toys..." " The little, "Chiggachiggachigga..."" " Yeah." "Oh!" "What?" "You know, they look a bit like dildos." "You're dirty!" "It was lovely." "And it was amazing." "It was lovely and amazing." "I got very lucky with the submarine." "Oh..." "Okay, all right, look, the moment of reckoning." "Lay it on me." "Where would I wear this?" "Parent-teacher conference." "Okay." "What about this one?" "Well, that's for the date that's never gonna happen, isn't it?" "Or in case you ever feel like enticing the spousal unit to do 'ya." "Hey, how about this one?" "Well, that's nice." "That's for keeping cozy at your desk." "Cozy at my desk doing what?" "I don't know." "I'm just here for the fashion advice." "I can't solve your life crisis." "I'm gonna go check out the size 29." "What does it say about the world when a perfectly attractive woman like my best friend Sheila has to resort to wanking off with her son's bath toy?" "Oh..." "Even if she is seriously pregnant at this point, it somehow seems unjust." "Motherhood is not knowing what's going to hit you next." "Motherhood is a day in May, a hot air balloon God's gift to womankind." "What about when your child's hand is still so small that he or she puts that hand in yours with absolute trust?" "Their incredibly soft cheeks when you kiss them." "The way their foreheads sweat when they're sleeping, and the hair sticks to it." "The hilariously weird things they say when they're learning to talk." "The way you save their lost teeth after they fall out, and you've done your tooth fairy routine, like some demented Nazi, because you can't stand to give up any part of them, no matter how tiny." "Oh..." "Sorry I'm late." "Morris needed the final edit on the Albanian manuscript." "Jesus, you know, I had to pile through a bunch of extras with really bad moustaches just to get to the front door." "Did you notice that our car got towed?" "Yes, I did." "I've been trying to call you." " Hi!" " Hi." " Really?" " Mm-hmm." "Oh, yeah." "Look at that." "Eight missed calls." "Ringer must have been off." "So, uh, did you have something you needed to tell me?" "Nothing that I couldn't figure out on my own." "You have no idea how lucky you are to be married to a consummate multitasker." "Ah, but I do know." "Hey, can you please take him across the hall?" "I need to put in another half an hour." "I just..." "I'm just beginning to get somewhere." " Oh, really?" " Yep." "Good." "Is that Paul?" "I think that's Paul." "Do you see him?" " Did I miss her?" " No, no." "Hi, sweetie!" "Hi!" "See your sister, yeah?" "Where is she?" " Oh, there she is." " Hi!" "Hi, Mom!" "Hi!" "Hi, Clara!" " Oh..." " Oh, God!" "Clara!" "Line up, please!" "Clara?" "Clara?" "It's her last day of being 5." "Oh, Avery, Avery, Avery, Lucas is here." "Didn't you notice?" "I put him in front of the Teletubbies." "He'll be paralyzed for an hour." "No, no, no..." "I'd love to, but I can't." "No!" "I have a deadline and a party to throw, remember?" "Yeah." "Av?" "Can I borrow your bike?" "Sure." "Oh, can you read my draft?" "Can you explain to me what it is again?" "Yes." "I'm submitting a piece to a parenting magazine." "It's a contest." "I mean, it's kind of a real gig." "But I can't get into that right now." "It's only 500 words." "It's a first draft." "But, no, I feel like it's solid, you know?" "Something I could put my name to and feel good about it." "I left a copy on my desk." "Sure." "And, Avery?" "Hmm?" "Mm..." "Nothing." "It's just..." "Be honest." "Bye." "Bye!" " Bye." " Bye." "Shit!" "Mama, I want the big Spider-Man, not the little Spider-Man." "No, I told you..." "It's 39 dollars." "I want the big one!" "It's too much money, now, come on!" "I told you, you can't have this, Jorge!" "Stop it, that's enough." "Come on." "Laura?" "Laura, get back over here!" "Jorge, come on." "Laura?" "Laura, get back over here." "Yeah, Sheila, got the backpack." "I'm doing my Sherpa routine." "Do you think our children have any idea how we suffer on their behalf?" "Absolutely not." "Hey, you can't cut the line." "Wait your turn!" "Look, I gotta get out of here." "I just waited 20 minutes for some moron to blow up balloons." "Well, you can't cut the line." "I've gotta go pick up my twins from preschool in 10 minutes." "They fine you if you're late." "What the hell is going on?" "Crazy, crazy, now showing everywhere." "Hang on, I'm just going to get my tea." "Hi, yes." "This is Allison Hopper." "Sorry, I'm just gonna be a weensy bit late picking up Sky and Banjo this afternoon." "Sorry about that." "So, Sheila, I'm feeling, why do I even care if I win this contest?" "I mean, I'm addressing such a narrow sector of the population." "Move up, the line moved." "Not as narrow as the one you're addressing there." "Where are you?" "Getting goody bag stuff." "So much for sticking to your principles." ""So much for sticking to your principles."" "Some freakazoid is bothering me." ""Freakazoid!"" "What the hell is your problem?" "What the hell is your problem?" "Sheila, I'm gonna call you back, okay?" "No, no, no!" "Listen, I wasn't speaking very loudly in the first place, okay?" "I believe in cell phone etiquette." "You introduced your conversation into my personal space, thus violating any commonly held definition of "etiquette."" "Is that so?" "Move it!" "Move up!" "Did you know that 90 percent of cell phone users believe they're courteous while 85 percent of those same users complain about being annoyed by others' conversations?" "Now, those numbers really don't add up, do they?" "Why don't we have this conversation in 20 years, when you've learned a thing or two about the real world?" "Oh, you mean when I'm old?" "Even you, my friend, will turn 40." "You know what?" "You urban moms are like a case study in liberal hypocrisy." "You think the rules apply to other people, but never to you." "You blab your precious banalities into cell phones, you buy gluten-free snacks, yet have no comprehension of your carbon footprint!" "I'd like to shove my carbon footprint right up your ass." "Come on, you're up, you're up!" "Can you believe this dickhead?" "I'm sorry." "Mommy!" "She said "dickhead"!" "But that's not her name." "Yes, it is." "Says it right here on the order form:" ""Clarra."" "Her name is "Clara."" "Look, see?" ""Clara." Not, "Clar-ra."" "Well, our froster is on a cigarette break, so..." "Well, can't someone else fix it?" "All you have to do is just scrape off the "ra", right?" "And rewrite it in matching icing so it doesn't look like an accident." "Only the froster can do that." "Look, I have to go home." "I mean, I have to set up." "So come back." "We're open till midnight." "I can't come back." "The party is at 5:00." "Agh..." "You have to admit it's your own fault." "If you had named her "Sophie" or "Ella,"" "you wouldn't be having this problem, but you gave her an "Edna" name." " A what?" " You know, an "Edna" name?" "Like "Mabel" or "Agnes" or "Velma."" "Yeah, like lesbian librarian names." "Don't you read the "Crankypants Post"?" "She did a whole thing last week about names, it was genius." "Well, yes, I mean I do read her, but I like other parenting blogs better." "What about "The Bjorn Identity"?" "That woman is so..." "I don't know." "I think she's a feminist." "Well, what could be worse than that?" "Anyway, "Clara" is not an "Edna" name, right?" "Let me guess, you named her after your favorite grandmother?" "Stop." "Oh, excuse me." "Excuse me, I live here." "Oh, do you know if there's a McKendrick in 6-C?" "Yes, I do." "6-C and 6-B." "Try the buzzers?" "Yeah." "What?" "Oh, no!" "No!" "Avery!" "I just..." "Classic!" "How am I gonna get this shit upstairs?" "I was gonna stash it in my car, which I like to call my roving metal purse, which was parked right over there, but then..." "Then... this came!" "This invasion of the block snatchers!" "I've gotta throw a party for my daughter at 5:00!" "I don't know where my husband has gone." "He has this habit of disappearing right when I need him the most." "Just, I'll sign for it, okay?" "You've got a lot to carry." "So, Mikesh, you a messenger full-time?" "Of course not." "No." "I write." "Don't we all?" " Write what?" " Plays." "Well, sort of." "I guess you'd call them quietly domestic plays set in India." "Oh, cool." "Yeah, I tried to find a job that would occupy the least amount of mental space and be so opposite my true aesthetic intentions that it wouldn't get in the way, you know?" "Does that work for you?" "Most of the time." "How do you do this every day?" "I'm winded, man." "Lightweight." "My daughter is a nicotine Nazi." "They do all this anti-smoking propaganda in school, which is good, I guess, but my position is everything in moderation, which is hard to explain to a kid, you know?" "Excuse me one sec." "Edith?" "You okay in there?" "Who is it?" "It's me, Eliza." "Got your juice." "Some food for Lady." "Edith, do you need something to eat?" "No, dear." "What day is today?" "It's Friday." "It's May 25." "May 25, Edith." "May 25." "Okay, Edith." "Gotta go." "Just right next door if you need me." "I'm right there." "Bye." "Wow." "Wow, indeed." "Well..." "Mikesh, thank you for carrying all this stuff up for me." "You really saved me." "Oh..." "Whew!" "I'll take that letter for Avery." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Um..." "This was really nice of you." "Um..." "Do you...?" "Well, you must be thirsty." "Do you want a glass of water?" "Yeah." "Okay." " Here, let me get that." " Oh..." "You're so kind." "All right." "Sorry for this heinous mess." "Oh, no." "I was..." "The view across your rooftop is so poetical." "You should see where I live." "Bushwick, man." "It's a little grim." "Well, you're, you're, what, you're, um... how old?" "22." "Oh, you can deal with Bushwick, then." "When you get to be my age... 44." "Wow, well, you look fantastic." "Actually, I'm not quite 44." "I'm, um..." "I just lied." "I think I was hoping that you just might say that." "The point is, when you get to be my age, the view becomes less poetical in relationship to other aspects of living here." "One door on, one door off." "Is this some kind of artistic statement?" "Uh..." "This is one of Avery's renovation projects." "Look closely, and you'll find similar statements elsewhere." "Like his perennially disorganized personal library." "He seems interesting, your husband." "Oh, he is." "He's..." "He's eccentric, and I, um..." "I fell in love with those eccentricities, you know?" "But then you have kids and try to lead what's called a grown-up life, and those sort of things become obstacles to a sane existence." "So you used to be a writer, too?" "Well, this is you, no?" "Yes, um..." "Or a version of me." "I'd really appreciate it if you..." ""She woke up with the taste of blood in her mouth." "The memory of the night before hit her full force." "Inexorable." "Swift." "Like fast water moving over rocks she was concerned that..." " Please stop." "Yeah, that was my thing." "That kind of fiercely lyrical fiction." "I got scholarships for it." "I was considered to be kind of an up-and-comer." "I loved writing." "I still do." "It's just, you know, when you have kids..." "I still write." "Sort of." "On more, um... everyday topics." "It's just..." "How come you're being so nice to me?" "I saw you go to that woman next door." "I saw you give her that juice, very easily." "Very selflessly." "Why can't I be nice, too?" "Besides, you're very pretty." "Um..." " Tell me something else." " About what?" "About being a writer." "Oh, well..." "Um..." "I used to write record reviews when I was first in college and after I graduated, for these little downtown newspapers, none of which really exist anymore, to get free albums." "Vinyl!" "Yeah." "Now I'm really dating myself." "I mean, Avie was really into music." "He turned me on to lots of bands." "I mean, some you've heard of and probably some you never have." "Like what?" "Oh, I don't know." "Play me something." "Oh." "Really?" "Yeah." "Um..." "Okay." "Um..." " You wanna hear something great?" " Yeah." "So spare and basic." "It's Pylon." "Turn it up!" "No, no, no." "My downstairs neighbors have this hideous tool, and they'll just start banging on the pipes." "Who cares?" "Fantastic!" "Yeah." "It's great." "Well..." "Oh, look, I gotta get things finished up around here before my husband gets back." "But you've been a real life-saver." "Yeah?" "Absolutely." "Well, I'd love to read your fiction sometime." "Do you have anything more recent?" "No, not at the present moment." "No, at the present moment, my life is... extremely reality-based." "But I do plan to get back to it at some point." "No, I mean, I will." "As my favorite grad school professor used to say," ""There is no 'try,' there is only 'do' and 'do not."'" "Well, Mikesh, it's been incredibly nice to meet you." "Thank you." "I cannot believe you!" "What, Sheila?" "What is it?" "What did I do?" "Do you have absolutely no sense of boundaries whatsoever?" "What are you talking about?" "You used my name!" "You used my real name!" "Everyone who knows us is now gonna know!" "Know what?" "Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is?" "Where are you?" "I'm here!" "Sheila, Sheila!" "Hold on, I'm coming down!" "No, don't come down!" "Don't fucking bother!" "Are you so hard up for something to say that you have to use one of your closest friend's most personal and private experiences just to make yourself seem more clever and insightful?" "Oh, Christ!" "Sheila, I didn't mean to!" "Yeah, but you did!" "It doesn't matter, Eliza!" "Oh, God, I thought other single moms would relate!" "Oh, so wait..." "Now I'm your token single mom?" "No, no, no." "Other moms, too, okay?" "Married moms." "I mean, they can be sympathetic!" "Oh, they can feel sorry for me, too." "Well, that's great." "So everybody can feel sorry for me!" "I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me!" "I'm a grown-up!" "I made a grown-up choice!" "And by the way, married women don't have a whole lot of sex either and you should bloody know!" "I just..." "I'm coming down!" "Just hold on!" "Don't come down, I'm lea..." "I've gotta go and get the kids." "No, Sheila!" "Sheila, are you still bringing Clara?" "Because if you don't, then I've gotta arrange with Avery and..." "Of course I'm still bringing Clara." "What do you think?" "Oh, God." "You think I'm gonna punish a child on her almost birthday just 'cause her mother's got a big fucking mouth and no sense of discretion?" "Sheila, just please, just don't judge me, okay?" "I mean, it's not your job." "I'm sorry, okay?" "I mean, I'm..." "I made a mistake!" "Yeah, you sure bloody did, babe!" "Seriously?" "Hey!" "Eliz a..." "Eliz a?" "Eliz a!" "What?" "What the hell?" "Why do you keep hanging up on me, Eliza?" "I'm not Eliza." "No, no, this is that woman who only knows how to be banal, right?" "What are you talking about?" "If you don't even remember writing that, Avery," "I'm not only leaving town, I'm filing for divorce right now." "Leaving town?" "Where are you?" "I just turned..." "I'm on..." "I'm on..." "You're breaking..." "You're breaking up." "Oh, God!" "Shit!" "I can't hear you." "You're breaking..." "There's a cop, Avery!" "I don't want a ticket!" "We can't afford another ticket!" "Okay, I know, I know." "Look, Eliza, you can't leave town." "Too late." "Why are you so upset?" "You told me to be honest about that thing." "Well, there's honest, and then there's debilitating, Avery." "And apparently you don't know the difference." "Maybe I don't know the difference." "I mean, just ask Sheila." "Her opinion of me is not much better than yours at this point." "What does Sheila have to do with this?" "Don't even ask." "I have to steer." "You know, you used to like it when I was tough on you." "You wanted me to do that." "Well, somehow "tough" got a whole lot less appealing today when I had to run around absorbing an entire's city worth of random hostility." "Well, it's not like you don't radiate your own." "The point is, I had something to write." "Something important to me, if not to you." "Yeah?" "So why did you go shopping with your friends?" "Because it was the last day of the sample sale!" "And I got a 380-dollar dress for 40 dollars!" "That's why, Avery!" "Maybe I should just give it all up and wear mom jeans." "What the hell are mom jeans?" "It's not like you'd notice, anyway." "You wanna know one of the few benefits of 9/11?" "Excellent cell phone reception in the tunnels." "Okay, Eliz a?" "Just stop, okay?" "And listen to me." "This isn't funny, really." "What is Clara gonna say when she gets home and you're not there?" "What does she care?" "She's got her goody bags full of plastic crap" "I bought against my better judgment." "She's got her cake with the misspelled name which I corrected myself." "She's got her purple cups and plastic forks." "What does she need me for?" "Are you serious?" "I'm not only serious, I'm in Jersey." "You're in wh...?" "Hold on, wait." " Whoa, whoa, whoa!" " What?" " Oh, my God!" " What?" "I think he swallowed something." " Hey, hey!" " Swallowed what?" "Avery!" "Avery, what did he swallow?" "I think he's choking!" "Avery, don't push your finger in his throat!" "You can stick it down further!" "Yeah, right!" "Well, what do I do?" "Yeah, well, we took that class together, don't you remember?" "No, no, I don't remember." "What do I...?" "You have to stay calm." "Avery, please, please, just..." "Put him over your knee." "I can't get him out of the stroller." "Put him over your knee and hit him three times on his back!" "What do I do now?" "I got him on my knee." "Hit him firmly on the back three times!" "Okay, hold on." "Oh, God!" "Come on!" "Just spit it out, all right?" "Avery!" "I can't hear you!" "Come on!" "Come on, Lucas!" "Spit it out, spit it out!" "Avery?" "What are you doing?" "Avery?" "Shit!" "Shit, shit, shit!" "Oh, Lucas!" "Lucas, I'm coming!" "Oh, my God!" "Lucas!" "Oh, my God!" "I'm coming!" "Yeah, it's fine." "It came out." "It's fine, it was just a lollipop in..." "It's all right." "What could possibly possess you to give a toddler a known choking hazard?" "Don't lecture me, Eliza." "I could just as easily lecture you." "Really?" "For what?" "For doing all the idiotic errands?" "For listening to mothers in the park who need to be medicated?" "While you get to go to work with real adults and have normal adult conversation." "Oh, yeah, like having Morris ream me out because I had to leave work to take care of Lucas?" "You mean those kind of normal, adult conversations?" "You got an envelope at home today, by the way." "Some messenger guy delivered it." "Oh, yeah, right." "He..." "He helped me carry my bags upstairs, and so I let him come in for a while." "You what?" "I let him come in, and he blew up balloons." "You let a messenger come into our apartment and decorate for our daughter's birthday?" "His name was Mikesh, and he was just being nice." "He looked at me like I was a person who might still have something worthwhile to say." "I always tell you that you have something worthwhile to say." "You..." "You need a stranger to tell you that?" "Was he good-looking or...?" "He looked at me like I might still be somebody worth looking at." "How could you not know that you're worth looking at?" "Were you attracted to him?" "Were you?" "It's just that you never look at me that way anymore, Avery." "Do you look at me that way?" "No, not really." "Not enough." "But I still love you, Avery." "I really love you, but..." "But what?" "It's just that every day from the second I wake up till the second I pass out cold, my day, like the day of almost every other mother I know, is made up of a series of concrete, specific actions." "And they're actions that kind of wear away at passion, if you know what I mean." "The actions are petty and small like..." "Like refilling coffee cups or folding underwear." "But they accumulate in this really debilitating way that diminishes my ability to focus on almost anything else." "Bigger things like, you know, ideas or politics or dreams of a better life." "Well, what would be a better life?" "It wasn't always my ambition to supervise a team of fatuous liberal arts graduates and edit their copy about traveling to places that we can't afford to visit." "When we had Clara," "I got a job with healthcare and a little bit of flexibility." "It was a decision that we made." "We made the decision together." "So I got a job that I can tolerate." "No more, no less." "You're not the only one who's made sacrifices, Eliza." "Well, that still doesn't explain why you can't pick up your socks." "What do my socks have to do with it?" "Your socks have everything to do with it!" "Eliza, all I wanted you to do in that piece was to stop hiding behind irony because it comes so easily to you." "I want to know what you really think." "I want to know what you really feel." "What makes you want to live a life with passion, no matter how many socks you have to pick up." "What about that?" "Come on, Coupon." "Come on, get out." "Oh..." "Does Coupon have to be out here?" "Ah, no, but Bodhi just tripped over him." "Oh, is that Bodhi crying?" "Yeah, it is." "Is Lily crying back in his face?" "Unfortunately, yes." "Oh..." "Did Sheila come back?" "Not yet." "Don't worry." "You were right, you know?" "Unbelievable." "About what?" "About this." "But I think I figured it out." "I just need a little more time to..." "A couple more minutes, and I'll be done." "Everything's under control in here." "Okay, and..." "Mom, everybody wants cake now." "And there has to be six purple candles and one number six candle." "Okay." "Come here." "What are you writing?" "Ooh!" "Oh..." "Just this thing." "It has to be done by midnight." "It's kind of important." "It means mommy might get a real job." "But I don't want you to get a real job." "Why not?" "It's good when mommies work." "It keeps mommies happy." "It keeps them from being mean, nasty, yelling mommies." "What about daddies?" "Should daddies not work, too?" "Why moms and not dads, hmm?" "Enlighten me." "'Cause moms do everything." "Dads only do some things." "It's different." "Oh, hi, Lady." "Mom, for my seventh birthday, can I get a cat?" "Mm..." "Mom, can I?" "Lady?" "Lady, where are you?" "Mom?" ""Maybe" is the best I can do, okay?" "No peeking!" "Here it comes!" "Are ya 1?" "Are ya 2?" "Are ya 3?" "Are ya 4?" "Are ya 5?" "Noooooooo!" "You're 6!" "You're 6!" "Squeeze her again!" "Oh, come on, you moron!" "It's not even 7:00!" "It's a little girl's birthday party!" "Clara, Clara, can you turn it down just a little?" "The parties we used to have in this building, dear." "I can't tell you." "Everyone would drink gin and smoke reefer and dance and talk until dawn." "We used to argue a lot, too." "This was a very political crowd, very serious about their positions, don't you know." "No one would have dreamed of complaining then." "Clara, crank it up!" "Come on, everybody, let's jump!" "Jump as hard as you can!" "Jump up and down!" "Jump, jump, jump!" "Come on, everybody, let's go!" "So your party's a big success." "Well, until someone starts bleeding, I'd have to agree." "Sheila, I just..." "I am so incredibly sorry I hurt you." "Look, I do remember uttering the distinct phrase," ""This does not leave this room."" "And by that I meant, "Do not use this episode for your own ends."" "Be that as it may, we always promised that we'd tell each other the minute we got pissed off, and that's just what I did." "All right, steady on, steady on." "Hair on the lip gloss." "I was just telling you when I was pissed off when it actually happened." "I know." "You were just so funny about it, you know?" "I just..." "I didn't think." "Oh, but you always have to think, Eliza." "Oh, bloody hell." "My midwife told me if I carry on eating sugar all through my third trimester," "I'm gonna give birth to a 10-pound behemoth, maybe 12." "That would be extremely uncomfortable to push out vaginally." "Don't say "vaginally."" "You did a stupendous job pulling everything together today." "I did, didn't I?" "I hope you don't mind, 'cause I know how you feel about these things, but..." "I did get Clara the purple iPod shuffle that she wanted." "You did?" "That's kind of an expensive present for a 6-year-old." "I mean, it's not really in our economy, is it?" "It's in our economy today." "The envelope, came with the messenger." "Your friend, Mikesh?" "You didn't open it, did you?" "It was addressed to you." "This is a check for 24,000 dollars, Avery." "What did you do?" "You know those books that were being thrown out today?" "One of them happened to be a copy of Emerson's essays." "A first edition, which as you know, is incredibly rare." "And this first edition also happened to be inscribed, which significantly upped the value, so I took it to Odyssey, and I sold it." "But you love Emerson." "You love that book!" "You didn't want to keep it?" "Yeah, of course I wanted to keep it." "I even had a messenger over the check." "Seemed kinda classy." "I figured it's probably enough to pay for Lucas' preschool for a couple of years." "And maybe even a dishwasher." "Because I want you to take some time and write." "Your "mom-oir," whatever the hell you call it, or something else." "This is..." "This is for you, because you..." "Oh, Avery!" "Wait, put this somewhere safe." "I'll do it." "Motherhood is about accepting the limitations of time and energy, which stretch beyond you, even if sometimes it feels they could consume you." "Search for and hold on to your own true self." "If you lose that, what kind of mother can you be?" "Things are always changing, no matter how much we might want things to stay the same." "You could take a picture of your kids every single day, and every single day, they'd just be getting older." "That's a fact." "A heartbreaking fact." "But still a fact." "So seize your days and dwell in them fully." "Look to your children because they know how to inhabit brief periods of time with extreme passion." "And for nothing more, really, than the sake of those moments." "They can help you remember that, if you only slow down and let them." "Feel fortunate because chances are good you actually might be." "Mommy, mommy, mommy, it's raining outside!" "Come quick!" "All right." "Come on!" " It's raining outside!" " It is?" " It's raining!" " Wow!" "Lucas, go get daddy!" "Go get daddy!" "Here, sweetie, come on." "It's special movie rain..." "for your birthday." "Wow!" "Whoa!" "Oh, my God, it's piss!" "Come out of here!" "Don't say I didn't warn ya!" "Go, Hester!" "Sound speed!" "Speeding." "And, action!" "Come here!" "Whoa!" "Look at the movie down there!" "Can you see it?" "I'm soaked!"