"I was thinking last night about my lady and how much I loved her." "And I came to the realization that my affection for this woman is so strong that if necessary I would die for her, swim in the ocean, climb any mountain, all for the love of this woman." "But I will not, and I repeat," "I will not let her eat off my plate." "So, babe, if you ever try it again... somebody could get hurt." "I love you." "What a beautiful day in this morning." "What a beautiful day in this morning." "What a beautiful-- where does the spoon--?" "Ah..." "Mmm, something smells good." "Baby, what are you doing?" "Cooking for my baby." "So, you can't leave for work, baby." "You know why?" "'Cause I made you breakfast-- scrambled eggs, hash browns and waffles." "Martin, are you cheating on me?" "No, Gina!" "I just wanna do a little somethin'-somethin' for you, girl." " Oh, all right." " Now you sit down here." " Okay." " Lookin' all good." " You cheating on me?" " Shut up." "All right, all right." "All right now," " watch yourself." "Look at you." " What are you doing?" "Oh, baby, Hungry King breakfast, and you heated it up all by yourself." "That's right, and it wasn't easy, babe, 'cause you gotta turn it every two minutes." "You are quite the cook." "If you like that... check out the Tang." "Made it from scratch." "Creek water." "I'm just playing." " Morning." " Morning." "I'm trying to cook for my baby." "Excuse us." "Something's smelling good up in here, just like mom's cooking." "Wait, wait a minute." "Is that Hungry King breakfast?" "Yes." "You know, I tried cooking that once, man, but I could not get it to taste like Mom's." "How do you get them ice chunks out the middle?" "Oh, man." "You got to turn it every two minutes." "Oh." "I thought they meant turn the microwave." "Right." "I'm not that stupid." "Yeah, you right Cole." "You're not that stupid." "You're just pathetic." "Tell them all what happened at your house last night." "Oh, yo, check" " I can't right now." " Why not?" "I get it." "It's a man thing." "it's a man thing." "That's all right." "I'm late for work anyway." "Bye, baby." "See you later." "Oh, thanks for breakfast." " It was delicious." " Ha ha, did you like that?" " I liked that." " Well, if you like that, wait till you see what I'm making tonight, girl." " What's that?" " Budget Gourmet!" " Mmm-mmm, good." "See you later." " Bye." "Hey, come on, man." "Sit down here." "What's up?" "Your mother going through your mail again?" "Nah, man." "It's worse this time, Martin." "Last night, right, had this little honey over," "Shirley from airport security?" "Uh-huh." "We was all alone in my room, man." "I was on third base, about to bring it on home, when all a sudden mom kicks the door open, man." "Boom-bow!" ""Cole!" "You're two weeks behind in your rent and got the nerve to have a guest over here?"" "Oh, man." "She could have waited two more minutes-- you'd be finished." "Oh, it gets much better." "Tell him what you did next, Cole." "Go on." "Oh, so I told her, "Get out."" "Your moms?" "No, Shirley." "Oh, Cole!" "No, it's cool, it's cool." "Shirley understood." "She got kids my age." "Cole, man, listen." "That's not the point, man." "You gotta stop letting your mother punk you, man." "Every week it's something different." "She goes through your wallets, she's wearing your hats." "Man, you gotta stand up to your mother." "Well, Martin, what am I supposed to do, cuss my moms out?" "No, you'd lose that fight too." "Your mama got a mouth like Dice Clay." "Be a man." "Stand up to her, man." "Well, I don't think I know how to do that." "Man, sit down here." "I'll show you, all right?" "Sit down." " Now look, um, Tommy?" " Hmm?" "You be Cole's mother." "I'm gonna be Cole." "Who do I play?" "You play nobody." "Take notes, okay?" "Now what we're gonna do is re-enact the scene from last night between you and your mother and show you what you did wrong." " All right." " Now remember, we're in your bedroom," "Tommy is your mother and I'm you." "All right?" "Ready?" "Ready?" " Go." " All right." "Come on, Shirley, just a peak." "I've never seen one before." "Wait, Cole's door is closed." "Oh, wait a minute." "That must mean" "Cole!" "What is going on in here?" "You are too weeks behind in your rent, and you have got the nerve to have some guest in here." "Uh-uh, honey." "Shirley, it's my moms." "Take the paper bag off your head." "Wait for me in the hall, Shirley." "I got some business to attend to." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "And Shirley, before you go..." "Now, Moms!" "Yeah." "Shut up and listen." "See-- what, what?" "What did you say?" "Excuse me, did you say something?" "Oh, I didn't think you were talking back." "Now, yeah yeah, see," "I'm a man, right, with a man's needs." "And what I need right now, right, is a big-boned security officer named Shirley." "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "Cole, what has come over you?" "For the first time you're not talking to me like a chump." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "That's 'cause I'm a man." "Now get out there and make me a sandwich." "Yeah, yeah." " What, you're still here?" "I said out!" " No, I'll go." "Okay." "I'm sorry, Cole." "It'll never happen again." " And stay out!" " Yes." "See, Cole?" "That's all there is to it." "How about that, man?" "Yeah." "I mean, y'all really think I can do that, huh?" "Cole, you're paying rent, man." "Have some backbone." "Be a man!" "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know something?" "You're right, man." "You're right." "I should have done this a long time ago." " Yeah." " I mean, yo, who does Moms think she is, huh?" "I make my bed, I brush my teeth," "I even wash behind my ears." "She gots to stop treating me like a child." "Yeah." " Anyway, thanks, Martin." " Hey." "Thanks, man." "That's why we're partners, see?" " Right." " And Martin, just for the record," "Shirley did not have a paper bag over her head." "It was a riot helmet." "This is the insane Martin Payne." "I'm outta here." "See ya." "Martin, look at these phone messages, man." "Please stop making personal calls." "It's costing me a fortune." "Stan, these are incoming calls, man." "They don't cost you any money." "Well, they ain't making me any money either." "And who is this Cole anyway?" "He calls here more times than my girlfriend's husband." "Look, since you must know, he's a friend that's having trouble with his mother." "Oh yeah?" "Well, he ought to do what I did." "What's that, Stan?" "Martin, my mother used to run me ragged with her stupid rules." ""Please don't steal from me." "Don't take my heart medicine."" "Nag, nag, nag." "I told her, "I may be in high school now, but in 30 years I'm gonna be the one to pick out your nursing home." "So you treat me right and it'll be Shady Acres." "If not, you'll be picking up cans out there on the side of the highway."" "Man, it changed her attitude and it changed my life." "Well, what happened to your mother, man?" "Oh, she's doing great." "I waved to her the other day as I was driving by on the highway." "I even threw her a few cans." "Well you're a sweet, great son, Stan." "Yeah, that's what she said." "At least I think that's what she said." "I had the window up." "Argh!" "Uh-huh, where are you, girl?" "Gina?" "Gonna be some static, girl." "Let me show you what's happening." "I want you out, baby." "You came into my house-- by my rules." "So things got to change." "Gina, come out and play." "You won!" "You won!" "You won!" "You won!" "You won!" "You won!" " You won!" "You won!" " I want you to say I'm the woman!" " You the woman." " Wasn't loud enough!" "You're the woman!" " Here." " The door!" "What are y'all doing?" " We is trying these out for my little nephew." " But these'll work." " Yeah." " So go ahead and wrap those." " Okay, yeah." "So, what's up partner?" "What brings you here, man?" "What's up?" "I just stopped by to tell you that I stood up to my moms and I feel great." " All right, good." " Good for you, Cole." "Yeah, yeah." "Shirley was over and moms busted in again." "What did you say?" "What you told me to say." "I said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "I said, "Looky here, Moms!" "Don't be bustin' up in my room, bustin' my groove." "You understand what I'm sayin'?" "Now get out, and make me and Shirley a sandwich."" "Tell me you did not say that to your mother." "That's what you told me to say." "Cole, we was just playing with you, man." "Did you apologize?" "Well no, I couldn't, 'cause right after that she kicked my butt out the house." " Sorry, Cole." " Sorry, man." "That's cool." "I mean, it's all right, 'cause I got my self-respect." "And I owe it all to you, man." "I owe it all to you." " All right, man, peace." " Well at least" " The boy got his respect, I mean" " Yeah, right." "So where do I sleep?" "Shh, man!" "Sorry." "Sorry." "I have gathered you all here today because I have found the killer of Lord Barrington." "It is someone in this room." "And that someone is none other than" "The Juice Blender is just 19.95!" "Yo, turn it back, Cole!" "I'm sorry." "I thought it was the volume." "That's right, just 9.95." "But wait, there's more!" "That is the volume, man!" "Look, it's over!" "Sorry." "Martin, we just watched two hours of that for nothing." "I'm sorry, Gina, but I knew who the killer was anyway." "It was the maid." "I've seen it before." "Cole, what do you mean "lt was the maid"?" "There wasn't a maid through the whole movie, man." "Maybe I'm thinking of "The Jeffersons."" "Martin, you want some chocolate milk?" " No thanks, babe." " I'll take one, Gina." "Babe, hurry up back, all right?" "Your favorite movie getting ready to come on." "Well, not tonight it's not." "We watching King Beef, man." "Whoa, didn't you just make us watch a King Beef movie last night?" "Yeah, but it's King Beef week." "Dr. King Beef, Godzilla has burned half the countryside." "We must flee." "We must flee." "Yes, you are so right." "We must flee to America before Godzilla gets to the airport." "But first..." "I must dance!" "Go King Beef!" "Go King Beef!" "Go Beef!" "Go Beef!" "Go King Beef!" "Go King Beef!" "Go!" "Go!" "Here's your milk, Cole." "Girl." "You know I like mine darker." "Martin, could I see you in the bedroom for a minute, please?" "Sure, babe." "Yo, man, we'll be back!" "All right." "Hey, Gina, toss me some chips on the way." "No, Cole." "There are no more chips and there aren't any more cookies either." "Well, don't you think you need to put that on the grocery list then?" "Martin, I wanna see you in the other room now." "Oh, I know why she wants to see you in the other room." "Oh, but don't worry." "I ain't going to listen." "Just like I ain't listened last night." ""Grab my ears."" ""What's my name?" "What's my name?"" "He was listening to me!" "I know, babe." "Just calm down, all right?" "Calm down." "Martin, he has been here four days." "I can't stand another minute of this!" "Gina, you telling me?" "The whole place smells like feet and corn chips." "Martin, last night I heard him clipping his toenails at 3:00 in the morning." "Gina, he does that every night." "I know!" "How many toes does he have?" "Look, babe, that doesn't bother me as bad as every morning at 9:00 a.m." "you hear the shower going and hear him singing..." "No, look, Martin, we have got to get him out of here." "All right, we gotta come up with a plan." "You know what?" "We can always starve him out." " Martin!" " Babe, listen." "This could work." "Look, we take all the food out of the refrigerator." "We hide in the bedroom." "A couple of weeks go by." "We hear his body drop from starvation, we push him into the hallway, and then we move on with our lives." "Martin, why can't you just tell him to get out?" "Gina, because I can't." "It's my fault this happened." "Why is it your fault?" "Because I told Cole to stand up to his mother." "He took it too far and now he has no place to stay, babe." "The boy's homeless, just like Blind Willie and his bald-headed cat." "Look, let's just go to your place, all right?" "That's not going to solve anything, Martin." "Yeah, you're right." "He'll just find us there." "Martin, I just wanna get away from him for a little while." "That's all." "Okay, look, let's go to a movie, all right?" "It'll get our minds off him for a couple hours, okay?" " Just the two of us?" " Just the two of us." " No Cole?" " No Cole." "When y'all two are done, you wanna play some cards?" " Babe." " Yeah?" "I feel so much better now." "I'm glad we got out." " Me too." " Yeah?" " Yeah." " You know, Cole did us a good thing." "He got us out the house together." " We went to the movies." " Mm-hmm." "And I got to see Robin Givens in her panties." "You like that?" "You like that?" "No, I like you better." "We gotta be quiet, 'cause Cole's probably asleep." " You're the one making all the noise." " Just open the door." " Hey, baby, staying with me tonight?" " Okay." "What the hell is going on in here?" "!" "Hey, hey, hey, the stripper's here!" "The stripper's here!" "Kill that noise." "There ain't no stripper here, all right?" "Martin, take care of this." "I'm gonna find Cole." "All right, babe." " Excuse me!" " Yo, where's Cole?" "Hey that brother's in the bathroom with Shirley from security!" "Let ask you a question, man." "Do you put your feet on your mother's table at home?" "As a matter of fact, I do." "Well, you ain't at home, so get your feet off" "Hey man, who are you?" "This is Cole's crib." "Hey man, what are you-- hey!" "This is an antique." "What are you-- you're all like kids, man!" "Damn, this" "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey." "Hey, why you gotta break Cole's vase?" "Can't we all just get along?" "You better leave before I call the cops on you, all right?" "Later, get out." "Let's go!" "Out!" "Yo, man, come on." "Out, out." "I filled it up with beer." "Hey!" "Out, man!" "Yo, let's go, partner." "Out!" "Out!" "Hey man, do you mind if I videotape the stripper?" "What?" "You don't get it, do you?" "Let's go." "Out!" "Let's go." "Out, out, out!" "Yeah, all right, but we're not paying for the stripper." "What are we gonna do?" "I don't know." "Stand by 7-Eleven." "Babe, look at this!" "This-- this-- look at your" "Let's" " I said everybody out." "I said everybody get out!" "Man, if I got to go off on-- hey, hey, partner!" "You want beer?" "And stay out, man!" "I'm not lying." "I mean, a lot of women can't get away with wearing a tie, but on you, baby..." "Where's everybody?" "Where did everybody go?" "You get ready to go." "Let's go, big Shirley." "Out." "Come on!" "Let's go." "Go get a sandwich, Shirley." "Let's go, out!" "Martin, man, I can explain." "I thought you were staying at Gina's tonight." "Is that supposed to make me feel better?" "Yo, Cole, you got a lot of growing up to do, man." "You know what?" "I see why your mother threw you out, man." "Yo, you're a freeloading pain in the ass." "I'm only telling you that because I love you." "Wait a minute, where do you come off talking to me like that?" "Yo Cole, this is my house, all right!" "?" "I saw what I want in my house." "You get your own place, you say what you want, all right?" "You know, you sound just like my mama." "You don't get it, do you?" "You just don't get it, man." "What should I do?" "You have to figure it out for yourself, Cole." " Moms, what are you doing here?" " I called her." "I think you two have some things to discuss." "Martin." "Well, hurry up and apologize." "I'm parked in the handicapped spot." "All right." "Look, Moms, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry I talked to you like that the other night." "I was wrong." "You were right." "If I live in your house" " I gotta live by your rules." " That's right." "I thought it would be different when I moved in here with Martin, but I see it's not." "I mean, you live with someone else, they call the shots." "So what do you want to do?" "I'm 26 years old, Mom, and I live at home." "I think it's about time I just moved out on my own-- get my own place, live by my own rules and call my own shots." "Cole, you're a man." "You know what you gotta do." "But until you find your own place, you know where home is." "Thanks, Mom." "But you know what?" "I sure am glad that you're gonna stay with me until you find your own place, 'cause Martin keeps a nasty house." "I know Edna didn't raise him like this." "Now I want you to leave your stuff here until we have time to shake everything out, 'cause I think the boy got roaches." "Oh, finally they're gone." "Finally!" "Oh, look at the vase, babe." "Oh, the place is a mess, Martin." " It's our mess alone, huh?" " Yes." "Look here." "Wake me up when you finish cleaning, okay?" " Oh no, you will not try it." " What?" " Oh, you are helping" " Excuse me." "Uh, is this apartment number 42?" " Yes." " Yeah." "Great!" "I'm the stripper you ordered." "I don't normally do this for couples, but, hey, whatever turns you on."