"Listen to me." "Giving up your hostages is not sufficient." "The Americans must be made to suffer." " We must humiliate them." " You do not go far enough, General Amin." "We must strip their entrails out and drive them from here to Damascus, until they include us in the peace process." "Nonsense." "This solution is not bold enough for Libya." "I say: "Wipe out Washington and New York."" "What?" "And spoil three years of good public relations?" "I have the Americans believing I am a nice guy." "In some of their polls I am more popular than their president." "Gentlemen." "Gentlemen." "This is getting us nowhere." "If we do nothing else this week, we must conceive at least one terrorist act that will show all the world that the United States, the Great Satan, is but a paper tiger!" "A weak nation, a weak people, a people ripe for destruction!" "Cowards no longer willing to fight." "I knew it!" "Hey, who are you?" "I'm lieutenant Frank Drebin, Police Squad." "And don't ever let me catch you guys in America." "38, 39, 40." "It's all here." "This completes our first shipment of heroin. 100% pure." " Well, it better be." "All 40 kilos." " Final shipment's delivered in 3 days." " Then we'll expect payment." " Don't worry." "Police!" "Throw down your guns." "Kill 'im." "Oh, no!" "It's a great day for Americans everywhere." "This man alone..." "There he is!" "No, no flowers." "Thank you." "Welcome home, Frank." "Good work in Beirut." "We all heard what you did." "Thank you, Ed." "I just wanna know one thing." "Is it true what you wrote me about Victoria?" "I'm afraid so, Frank." "She just ran off with some guy." "They got married last week." "Then it's over." "It's all over." "All of this is meaningless." "I did it for her." "I did everything for her." "And now she's gone." "And you, you came down here to get a... hot story, didn't you?" "Pictures of me to send your lousy newspapers." "Uh, Frank..." "Sure, you think I'm a big hero, the man of the hour." "Well..." "Do any of you understand how a man can hurt inside?" "Frank, they're not here for you." "Weird Al Yankovic is on the plane." "What about the wedding?" "What was she wearing?" "Don't torture yourself, Frank." "Just put her out of your mind." "Well, I can't get her out of my mind." "What about the guy?" " You know anything about him?" " Not much." "Just that he's an Olympic gymnast, and it's the best sex she's ever had." "I trusted her." "Followed my heart foolishly, it seems." "Looks like I'm gonna have to learn to forget." "That's why I took my vacation in Beirut." "To get her out of my mind, to find some peace." "It's not gonna be easy." "Everywhere I look, something reminds me of her." "Maybe it's just that cops and women don't mix." "What about Nordberg?" "I came as soon as I heard." "He's alive, Frank, though he's on life support." "Doctors say he's got a 50-50 chance of living." "Though there's only a 10% chance of that." "Mrs. Nordberg, I think we can save your husband's arm." " Where would you like it sent?" " Oh!" "Oh, Frank, I'm so glad you came." "Wilma, it's good to see you." "I came as soon as I heard." " Oh, thank you, Frank." " You bet." " Where's Nordberg?" " Uh, he's right here, Frank." "Right." "Nordberg." "It's me, Frank." "Your buddy." "I'll get it!" "I'll get it!" "Get the switch on the bottom of the bed." "Nordberg." "It's me, Frank." "Now, who did this to you?" " I..." "love you." " I love you too, Nordberg." "Who were they?" " Ship... boat." " That's right, Nordberg." "A boat." "You know, when you're better, we'll go sailing together." "On a boat." "We'll take a cruise just like last year." " Drugs." " Hey, nurse." "Give this man some drugs." "Quick, can't you see he's in pain?" " Give him a shot." "Quickly." " No, heroin." "Heroin, Frank." "Nordberg, that's a pretty tall order." "You're gonna have to give me a couple of days on that one." "Oh, my poor Nordberg." "Oh, he was such a good man, Frank." "He never wanted to hurt anyone." " Who would do such a thing?" " Well, it's hard to tell." "A roving gang of thugs?" "A blackmailer?" "An angry husband?" "A gay lover?" "Frank, get a hold of yourself." "Good cop." "Needlessly cut down in ambush by some cowardly hoodlum." " That's no way for a man to die." " Yeah, you're right, Ed." "A parachute not opening, that's a way to die." "Getting caught in the gears of a combine." "Having your nuts bitten off by a Laplander." "That's the way I wanna go." "Oh, Frank." "Oh, this is terrible." "Don't you worry, Wilma." "Your husband is going to be all right." "Don't you worry about anything." "Just think positive." "Never let a doubt enter your mind." "He's right, Wilma, but I wouldn't wait until the last minute to fill out those organ donor cards." "What I'm trying to say is that, Wilma, as soon as Nordberg is better, he's welcome back at Police Squad." "Unless he's a drooling vegetable, but I think that's only common sense." "Wilma, can you think of any reason that Nordberg was at the waterfront last night?" "No." "But I found this at home... in a drawer." "A photograph." ""I Luv You." Out of Caracas." "A Panamanian ship." "Frank, when Nordberg said "I love you", he was telling you the name of the ship." "I realize that... now." "We'd better check this out." "I want every available man on this." "I can't spare anybody, Frank." "You know we're in charge of security for Queen Elizabeth's visit." " I'm short-handed already." " Wilma, I promise you." "Whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest for one minute until he's behind bars." " Now let's grab a bite to eat." " Yeah." "Come on, Wilma." "... that due to the extraordinary efforts of some of our civic leaders," "Queen Elizabeth has included the City of Los Angeles as one of the three cities she will visit during her American tour." "Mayor Barclay, will the city hire additional security officers for the police force during the Queen's visit?" "We have placed the Queen's security in the hands of Police Squad, a special division of the Police Department, represented here today by lieutenant Frank Drebin." "Thank you, your Honour." " Protecting the safety of the Queen..." " Louder!" " Frank, you can use my radio mike." " Thank you." "Thank you, your Honour." "Protecting the safety of the Queen is a task that's gladly accepted by Police Squad." "For no matter how silly the idea of having a Queen might be to us, as Americans, we must be gracious and considerate hosts." "Uh, thank you, lieutenant Drebin." "Of course, we all have a stake in seeing that this portion of the Queen's American goodwill tour is complet..." "And we can all take pride that the Queen has chosen our city to visit." "Indeed, it is for all the people, who will be able to share in the, uh, celebration  especially  will be  the Queen's... public appearances." "Uh, we also would like to..." " Whoops...!" " Uh-oh!" "Ed and I drove down to the docks where Nordberg had been found floating face down in the water." "In a case where there are no leads, you have to start somewhere, and that somewhere was the harbor area." "Please disperse!" "Please disperse!" "There's nothing for you to see here." "Keep moving!" " Where did they find Norberg, Ed?" " Right out there, Frank." "You wanna take a dinghy?" "No, no, I took care of that at the press conference." "It doesn't make sense, you know." "Good policeman, bright future..." " Something like this happens." " He was found by the night watchman." "We better do some checking around." "I'm gonna talk to the harbor master." "I'll walk around the docks, take a snoop" " Yeah?" " Lieutenant Drebin, Police Squad." "Oh, I remember you, Drebin." "Wh-what do you want?" "I wanna ask you some questions." " You familiar with that face?" " I don't know." "My memory ain't so great." " Oh..." "Maybe this'll refresh your memory." " I don't know." "Still kinda hazy." "How about this?" "Yeah, I remember." "I used to see him around." "Why do you wanna know?" " I can't tell you that." " Maybe this'll help." " I really don't think I should." " Yeah, you still don't think so?" " All right, his name is Nordberg." "He's a cop." " He was no cop, he was dealing H." "What?" "!" "I'm tellin' you, he was dirty." "Oh, you snivelling scum, I ought to run you in right now." "All right, all right." "He worked at Ludwig's Shipping." "He tried to push something at one of my boys, I swear it." " So, what are you gonna do about it, copper?" " Why should I tell you?" " Maybe this'll help." " I still don't think I should tell you." "Can you spot me a twenty?" "How about now?" "All right." "I'm going down to Ludwig's office." "I'll find out if you're telling the truth." "Vincent Ludwig presided over one of the largest corporations in the city." "A respected businessman, a civic leader." "The Mayor had chosen him to be the chairman of the Queen's reception committee." "And now I was getting ready to question him about drugs and attempted murder on his own docks." " Mr. Ludwig." " Yes..." "Lieutenant Drebin to see you, sir." "Show him in." " Lieutenant..." " The feeling is mutual." "Nice to meet you, too." "Uh, Cuban?" "Uh, no." "Dutch-Irish." "My father was from Wales." "Oh..." "Uh, sit down." "It's a magnificent office you have here, Mr. Ludwig." "Thank you, thank you, lieutenant." "Most of the objects in this room I have collected over a period of many years." "A Gainsborough, Ming vases..." "priceless." "They are objects which I feel reflect my personality." "Like the Japanese fighting fish..." "beautiful, graceful, elegant." "And yet, single-minded of purpose and deadly when it finds what it wants." "This, uh, particular one is valued at over 20,000 dollars." "A luxury item, to be certain, but as you can see," "I am a man who appreciates the finer things in life." "Oh, this..." "This is a rare samurai pen, a gift from Emperor Hirohito." "Unbreakable, impervious to everything but water." " Its value is... beyond estimation." " Most fascinating." "But I'm sure you didn't pay me this visit to hear a lecture on fine art, lieutenant." "To what do I owe the honor?" "I'm investigating the attempted murder of one of your dock workers..." "A man named Nordberg, uh, a police officer." " He's still alive, then?" " He was shot six times." "Fortunately, the bullets missed every vital organ, and the salt water preserved him until he was found." "Uh, so they were able to... so they were able get him to the hospital in time?" "Yes, he's in the intensive care ward of Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle." "Well, this certainly comes as a shock to me, lieutenant." "But, as you know, I am not the kind of man who takes this type of thing lightly and there is no room in my organization for criminal activity." "Look out there!" "A vast, commercial development built by me." "Do you have any idea what was out there just... five years ago?" "You bet you do." "Orange groves, acres of them, as far as the eye could see." "But now, of course, that land is able to generate ten times the amount of profit per square foot." "Are you all right, lieutenant?" "Here, let me get you some..." "Kleenex." "Uh, has this officer, uh, what's his name, uh." "Nordberg been able to, um... tell you anything?" "Uh, well, of course, uh, he hasn't been able to tell us a thing... so far, but as soon as he regains, uh, consciousness, we'll... see if he can still play the guitar." " I beg your pardon?" " Uh, I've taken too much of your time already." "I'd like to look at your employment records now and speak to someone in personnel, if you don't mind, of course." "Of course." "Dominique, will you please send in Miss Spencer." "Yes, sir." "As you know, I am quite busy making last-minute arrangements for the royal visit, but, uh, I'll have my assistant provide you with anything you need." "You've been very cooperative." "I'll make a note of that in my report." "My pleasure." "Ah, Miss Spencer, this is lieutenant Frank Drebin from Police Squad." " Hello..." "Mr. Drebin." " Hello." "Her hair was the colour of gold in old paintings." "She had a full set of curves, and the kind of legs you'd like to suck on for a day." "She was giving me a look I could feel in my hip pocket." "Yep, this was starting to get interesting." " Nice beaver!" " Thank you." " I just had it stuffed." " Let me help you with that." "This should be what you're looking for, lieutenant." "Shipping and employment records for pier 32." "Thank you." " I've heard police work is dangerous." " It is." "That's why I carry a big gun." " Aren't you afraid it may go off accidentally?" " I used to have that problem." " What did you do about it?" " I just think about baseball." "Hey, that's a honey of an ankle bracelet you have there." "Ugh..." "Did it slip down again?" "Yes, well." "I'll go through this as fast as I can and... get them back to you tomorrow, maybe." "That'll be fine." "But there's no rush." "I mean, whenever you're through." "Oh, thank you." "I wish there were some way I could repay you." "Uh..." "How about dinner?" "I know this little out of the way place that serves great Viking food." "That's quite a tempting offer, lieutenant." "But I'm afraid I'm gonna have to get my rest this evening, tomorrow being Arbor Day and all." "Of course." "Well, perhaps some other time." " How about a raincheck?" " Well, let's just stick to dinner." "Thank you for your help, Miss Spencer." " My pleasure." " Well?" " Oh, Mr. Ludwig!" "You startled me." " Oh, I'm sorry, my dear." "I just wanted to know if you got the lieutenant what he wanted." " Yes." "I gave him copies of the files for pier 32." " Good." "That's good." "He's an intriguing fellow, this..." "lieutenant Drebin, don't you think?" "Well, I..." "I don't know." "I've only just met him." "He seems very nice." "Jane, I realize this is an unusual request." "But if there is something illegal going on in this company," "I need to know everything about it, so we can root out any wrongdoers." "That's why I want you to... well... to get to know lieutenant Drebin a little better, find out what he knows." "Oh, Mr. Ludwig, don't you think this is best handled by the police?" "But we are letting the police handle it, my dear, but this company needs to know the facts quickly, before anything gets into the newspapers." "Don't forget." "I have a responsibility to the stockholders." "Well, if you put it that way, I..." " Yes, I'll do my best." " That's better." "I'm sure you will." "It was about 4 p.m. when I returned to Police Squad." "I figured to stop by and see what the lab boys had come up with on Nordberg's jacket." "The one they'd found on the dock." "You can tell a lot from fibre samples if they aren't too wet, and I was hoping in this case we wouldn't come up dry." "Hey, look out!" "Police!" "Halt!" "Did anybody catch the licence plate?" "Anybody get a look at the driver?" "Uhh, take the names of everybody here for questioning." "I gotta get, uh... inside." "Hi, Ed, Ted." "You got those fibre samples yet?" " We got some action out here." " What, what?" "What's up?" " We're testing that new antigraffiti wall." " Looks like we have a few customers." "It's set to react when the spray hits the sensors." " You've done it again." "Mazel tov!" " Good work, Ted." " What will you lab boys think of next?" " Now that you mention it..." "Here's something we developed only yesterday." "To the casual observer, an ordinary shoe, but in actuality... it's quite a handy weapon." "And everything a cop in the field would need." "We call it the Swiss Army shoe." "That's great, Ted." "What about the fibre samples?" "Let me just show you one more thing, Frank." "You see these cuff-links I'm wearing?" "Well, they're not just cuff-links." "Each one fires a single pin-sized dart that knocks out your victim for a few minutes, but... does no permanent damage." "Here." "Let me demonstrate on Ed." "Ted..." "Why?" "Don't worry, he'll be up and around in no time." "Why don't you take a pair, Frank?" "Oh, actually, I could use another pair of cuff-links." "Good, I think you'll like them." " You want this, chief?" " Yes, thank you, Al." "There's something on the side of your mouth, Al." "No, no, the other side." "As you requested, Frank, we took some fibre samples from Nordberg's jacket." " I'm afraid it doesn't look good." " What do you mean?" "Take a look for yourself." " I-I can't see anything." " Use your open eye, Frank." "Oh, yeah, I can see it now." "At first glance it would appear to be only the normal cotton fibres." "But when we focused in closer, we discovered a fine white powder." "We tested it... pure heroin." "How well do you know Nordberg, Frank?" "." "We're partners for nine years, and he's my best friend." "I know, Frank, but we can't allow personal feelings to get in the way of duty." "Are you saying that Nordberg is..." "I'm telling you that the Queen arrives here the day after tomorrow." "If the press should pick this up with Nordberg still part of the force, it would be embarrassing to the police and the city." "I'm sorry, Frank." "I'm giving you 24 hours to clear Nordberg." " Mr. Ludwig..." " Yes?" " A Mr. Pahpshmir is here." " Show him in." " Is there something wrong, Mr. Ludwig?" " No, no, it's nothing." " Then may we get down to business?" " Certainly, please have a seat." "I can carry out your request." "My price is 20 million dollars." "The price is not a problem." "But there is some concern, on the part of those I represent, that you'd be able to... complete so difficult a task." "Tell me, Mr Pahpshmir, in all the world... who is the most effective assassin?" "Well, I would think, anyone who manages to conceal his identity as an assassin." "Yes, but there's an even more... ideal assassin." "One who doesn't know he's an assassin." " Care for some tea?" " Yes, please." "Dominique, service for two, please." "I must kill Pahpshmir." " Would that be with cream and sugar, sir?" " Mr. Pahpsmir?" "Cream only, please." "Oh." "There's a gun on the floor, sir." "Oh, just leave it there." "It's all right, Dominique." " The tea, please." " Of course." "Tell me, Mr. Pahpsmir, have you ever seen sensory-induced hypnosis?" "I think I just have." " But how will you get her near the target?" " Oh, I doubt that it will be her." "Good secretaries are so hard to find these days." "And it seems to me... anyone... can be an assassin." "I had 24 hours to come up with something that would clear my good friend's name." "I decided to return to the hospital with Ludwig's shipping records to see if I could jog Nordberg's memory." "Oh, dr." "Alfred, I have Mrs. Kepley's chart, if you're ready to go over it." "I'll be with you when I'm finished with Mr. Nordberg." "Yes, doctor." "I'll have you out of here in a couple of..." " I'd like to see officer Nordberg." " All right." "I'll need you to sign..." "Wait a minute..." "Where's the police officer that guard that door?" "Oh, uh, lieutenant Drebin called and sent sent him home." "Lieutenant Drebin?" "I must kill Nordberg, I must kill Nordberg..." "Drebin, Police Squad!" "Let go of that pillow!" "Medical emergency!" "Drebin, Police Squad!" "Follow that black car!" " The car!" "Follow that car." " All right, Stephanie, check your mirror... signal..." "Now pull into traffic." "Try to ease off on the brake." "Give it on the full gas!" "I know a shortcut." "Turn left here!" " There he is!" " Easy..." " Turn right!" "Follow him to the right." " It's okay..." "Normally you would not be going 65 down the wrong way of a one-way street." "Apply the brakes..." "Now put it in reverse." " You dumb broad!" " Stephanie..." "Gently extend your arm..." "Extend your middle finger..." "Very good!" "Well done!" "There he is!" "Go for it, Stephanie!" "Oh, no!" "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "All right, move on!" "Nothing to see here!" "Please disperse!" "Nothing to see here, please..." "The attempt on Nordberg's life left me shaken and disturbed." "And all the questions kept coming up over and over again, like bubbles in a case of club soda." "Who was this character in the hospital?" "Why was he trying to kill Nordberg, and for whom?" "Did Ludwig lie to me?" "I didn't have any proof, but somehow..." "I didn't entirely trust him, either." "Why was the "I Luv You" not listed in Ludwig's records?" "And if it was, did he know about it?" "And if he didn't, who did?" "And where the hell was I?" "It was almost midnight when I got to my door." "I just wanted a glass of Bosco and then slip under my blankets." "But my night was just about to begin." "You're late." "That depends on what I'm late for." "You said we should have dinner sometime." "Tonight became... sometime." "I'm boiling a roast." "How hot and wet do you like it?" "Very hot and awfully wet." "You seem to know your way around a kitchen." "I'm just as handy in other rooms of the house." " That shirt looks familiar." " It's yours." "I didn't wanna get stained or wrinkled." "At least... not yet." "Do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable?" "There... that's better." "I hope you brought your appetite." " I brought everything." " Well, then... dig in." "Interesting..." "Almost as interesting as the photographs I saw today." " I was young, I needed the work." " No, no..." "They were taken down at Ludwig's docks." "A ship came in." "A Panamanian ship." "But it wasn't on Ludwig's records." "Probably an oversight." "How is your... meat?" "You be the judge of that." "I've got nine more." " Have you seen that ship?" " I don't know." "Doesn't look like one of ours." "But then again, we deal with so many ships." "Has officer Nordberg been able to, um, tell you anything?" "No, no, unfortunately there's another attempt on his life." "He's back in a coma." "That's terrible." "This world is such a violent place." "If it wasn't, I'd be out of a job." "Be back on the circuit riding moto-cross." "But I'd give it all up tomorrow to live in a world without crime." "That's beautiful." "This is all happening too fast." " I've... been hurt before." " I'm sorry." "I'd known her for years, we used to go to all the police functions together." "Ah..." "How I loved her, but she had her music." "I think she had her music." "She hung out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony." "I don't recall her playing an instrument or being able to carry a tune." "Yet, she was on the road 300 days out of the year." "I bought her a harp for Christmas." "She asked me what it was." "It's the same old story: boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy." "Boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl... and girl dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day." " Goodyear?" " No, the worst." "Poor dear..." "Now, now..." "I don't wanna upset you." "Oh, Frank, it's not that." "Why did you have to be so wonderful?" " There's something I ought to tell you." " No!" "No need to tell me anything." "What's in the past doesn't matter anyway." "Maybe..." "Maybe we're just two lonely souls, who have found each other." "Funny Face..." "I want you to know I... practise safe sex." "So do I." "I had a wonderful day, Frank." "I can't believe we just met yesterday." "You really mean that, Jane?" "You're not just saying it because we exchanged bodily fluids?" "No, I really mean it." "You're very special." " Can I interest you in a nightcap?" " No, thank you, I don't wear them." "Actually, I'm on duty." "We're on stake-out tonight." "But I'll be thinking about you." "I'll call you tomorrow." "Okay." "Good night." "I'm telling you that the answer is up there in Ludwig's office." "Call it what you will, a hunch, woman's intuition..." "Ludwig knows a lot more than he's telling us." "A hunch won't stand up in court, Frank." "Where are your hard facts?" "Look, he's the only one outside of ourselves that knew that Nordberg was still alive." "Next thing we know, some thug tries to knock Nordberg off on the hospital." "That may be, but breaking into Ludwig's office, you're taking a big chance." "I know." "You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street or sticking your face in the fan." "Look, there he is." "All right, just trust me on this, Ed." "I know I'm right." "Okay, but be careful." "You get a good night's sleep." "I'll see you in the morning." "Bingo!" ""20 million deposited, Omani Bank, Zurich, upon proof of Queen's death"?" "Entering without a search warrant, destroying property, arson, sexual assault with a concrete dildo..." "What the hell were you doing there in the first place?" "Yes, yes, I know." "I'm sorry about that, your Honor, but we have reason to believe that Vincent Ludwig is involved in a plot to assassinate the Queen." "That's ridiculous!" "Where is this evidence?" "Well, it... burned in the fire." "Gentlemen, Vincent Ludwig is one of the most respected members of this community, and if we're all very nice to him, he will agree not to press charges." " Your Honor..." " Did I make myself clear?" "Yes, Your Honor, very clear." "Good day." "Oh, Drebin..." "I don't want any more trouble like you had last year on the south side." "Understand?" "That's my policy." "Yes." "Well, when I see five weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in the middle of the park in full view of a hundred people, I shoot the bastards." "That's my policy." "That was a Shakespeare in the Park production of Julius Caesar, you moron!" " You killed five actors, good ones!" " Your Honor..." "Drebin, your presence at the Queen's reception tonight will not be necessary!" " Is that understood?" " We understand, your Honor." "Thank you." "... and the plane has taxied to a stop." "We're rolling at the steps." "Any minute now, we expect the doors to open." "And we'll get our first glimpse of the Queen, as she begins her first visit to Los Angeles in over five years." "That's right, Bob, and it's a balmy, beautiful evening for it, too." "She'll be going straight from here to a formal reception hosted by the mayor, in honor of her Majesty..." " Jane!" " Frank." " I'm just making some dinner." "You hungry?" " Well, maybe just a bite." "I just talked to Vincent Ludwig." "He wanted me to ask you to meet him tonight." "Jane, I think there's something you should know." "I was up in Vincent Ludwig's place last night." "Oh, how nice!" "Did he show you his priceless collection of Ming vases and all those rare oil paintings?" "And what about that wond..." "Jane!" "I think that Vincent Ludwig is involved in a number of criminal activities." "Oh, Frank, stop it!" "Vincent Ludwig is a well-respected, generous kind man." "It's just too bad you don't know him like I do." " Oh, yeah?" "And how's that?" " What's that supposed to mean?" "I'm... sorry." "I'm worried about you." "I don't trust him, and I don't wanna see you getting mixed up in anything dangerous." "Wung Woos?" "They're back in business?" "I thought they closed down 3 years ago." "Oh, gee, has it been that long?" "I don't feel like Chinese tonight, anyway." "Frank, it's sweet of you to be concerned about me, but you're wrong about Ludwig." "He's such a gentleman, he's so... so generous." "He just wants to have a talk with you, clear any doubts that you may have about him." " When?" " Tonight." "He wants you to meet him at the 7th Street stockyards, near the 53rd Street entrance?" "All right, but you promise me that you'll be careful." "Of course I will, Funny Face, for you." "Ah, I gotta go." "I'll see you tomorrow." "Are you sure you won't have something to eat?" "Ludwig?" " Drebin?" " Yeah, I'm Drebin." "I have a message for you from Vincent Ludwig." "Take this, you lousy scum!" "I'm sorry, I can't hear you." "Don't fire the gun while you're talking." "All right!" "Put your gun down and your hands up." "Matthews, stake out that end." "Adcock, check for anyone suspicious-looking." " Ed." " Frank, what are you doing here?" "I just came from the stockyards, trading shots with one of Ludwig's goons." "They're planning on doing it tonight, Ed." "Here." "That's why they're trying to knock me off." " Right, we'd better be on the lookout." " Right." "Excuse me, ma'am..." "Security!" "All right, all right, just relax, take it easy..." " Nothing's gonna happen." " Hey, I didn't do anything." "Oh, yeah?" "How about this?" "You think we were born yesterday?" "You didn't do anything, huh?" " I've got rights." "Look, I..." " Look, Ed!" "He's got a picture of your wife!" "Ethel!" "All right, anyone else here seeing his wife?" "That's all right." "Th-th-that's okay, Frank." "Let's get in the hall." " Are you enjoying yourself, my dear?" "." " Oh, Mr. Ludwig, I'm so excited to be here." " I really do appreciate your inviting me." " The pleasure is all mine, my dear." "And perhaps, afterwards, we can..." " Drebin!" " Frank!" "You're both right." "Surprised to see me, Mr. Ludwig?" " This is not the time or place to talk." " It's way past the time we talk." "The gloves are off, I'm playing hardball, Ludwig." "It's 4th and 15, and you're looking at a full court press." "Mr. Drebin!" "If you have evidence, then use it." "If not, I am warning you:" "get off my back!" "Or I promise you, it will cost you dearly." "Frank, what's wrong?" "A lot of things, sweetie-pie!" "A little meeting turned into a peek-a-boo session with bullets, all set up by someone who's been playing me like a violin at the annual saps' convention." "Funny Face, I don't know what you're talking about." "My stockyard meeting, butterwings." "Or don't you remember setting that up?" "But Mr. Ludwig said you called the meeting off." " Believe me, I..." " Hum me another one, shnooky lips." "Frank, it's the truth." "It's true what they say, cops and women don't mix." "Like eating a spoonful of Draino." "Sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside." "Too bad, sugar puff." "We could have been something." " I was only doing what I was told to do." " Like make love to me?" "Frank!" "Oh, that makes things easier, princess." "To think I trusted you." "I made a big mistake." " Here, you can take this back." " Whose is that?" " Doesn't matter." " Hey, watch it!" "Take care of yourself, baby." "By the way..." "I faked every orgasm." "Funny Face..." "And to commemorate our friendship... the City of Los Angeles is proud to present to the royal family this Revolutionary War musket, generously donated by Mr. Vincent Ludwig." "Ladies and gentlemen, her Royal Highness, Queen Elizabeth II." "It's disgusting the way they splash this stuff all over the newspapers." "What is journalism coming to?" "You laying on top of the Queen with her legs wrapped around you." "They call that news." "They can't kick you off the force, Frank, it's just not fair." "Well, now, Ed, life isn't always fair." "Just think, the next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested." "Eh..." "Look at that." "The missing evidence in the Kelner case." "My God!" "He was innocent." "He went to the chair two years ago, Frank." "Well..." "What's the use?" "What good are these damned... awards and citations?" "Hey, Frank..." "Uh..." " Twenty years..." " Frank, that's not your desk." " Frank!" " Jane." "I've been looking all over for you." "What are you doing here?" "Running another errand for your boyfriend?" "I tried to call last night." "I even went by your place." "Where were you?" "I was out walking, all night." "Frank, you gotta listen to me." "I've important information for you." "Please believe me." "Vincent Luwig and I, there was never anything between us." " He likes East German men." " And what about you?" " I like cops." " All right!" "Hey, guys, settle down, take it easy." " What have you got?" " I overheard Ludwig after the banquet." "You were right all along, Frank." "Ludwig is planning to have someone assassinate the Queen." " Where?" " At the baseball game." "The Queen will be there this afternoon as a guest of Ludwig." "I'm supposed to be with 'em." "Are you telling us that Vincent Ludwig is going to just shoot the Queen in front of 60,000 fans?" "No, is that a player's gonna do it, during the 7th inning stretch." " That game starts in 20 minutes." " I'd better get down there right away." " I'll go with you." " No, it's best you stay with Ludwig." " That way we won't arouse any suspicion." " Right." "Okay, let's go." "Wait!" "Wait!" "Now listen." "I've gotten you guys into enough trouble already." "I don't want you to risk this for me." "I'll go alone." "No!" "This is gonna get you back on the force, Frank." "We're all right behind you." "Frank!" "I wanted you to know, now..." "I've loved you since the first day I met you, and I'll never stop." "I'm a very lucky woman." "So am I." "And a good afternoon to everyone." "We're coming to you live from the Big A, where the California Angels meet the Seattle Mariners in a showdown for the division lead in this exciting American League West Race." "Hello, everybody, I'm Curt Gowdy, along with Jim Palmer," "Tim McCarver, Dick Vitale, Mel Allen, Dick Enberg... and dr." "Joyce Brothers, inviting you to join us for this all important ballgame." "And a very special game it is, Curt, as we all know, this game is being attended by her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth." "And I'm sure her Majesty will enjoy this game, Jim." "We've got all the exits covered." "I ought to go down and arrest Ludwig right now." "No, Frank, without any evidence, we've got to let him make the first move." "Besides, with the Mayor, she'd have you arrested on the spot." "You gotta stay out of sight." "I've got to get that assassin before the 7th inning stretch." "If Jane is right, it could be any one of those players." "I got to find a way to get down there in that field and search those players." "Ladies and gentlemen, please rise and give a hearty Los Angeles welcome to her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II." "One moment, ma'am." " My dear..." "Is something bothering you?" " Why, no, why do you ask?" "You haven't said a word." "You seem... nervous." "Well, you know how important this game is for the Angels." "Why is he not here now?" "I do not like being made to wait for him." "Mr. Pallazzo, our head usher will be here in two minutes to take you onto the field." "Please, just wait in here." " He should be here now, do you understand?" " Yes, sir, I'll send him right over." "I do not wait for him, he waits for me!" " Yes?" " Mr. Pallazzo?" " Si." " I am the head usher." " Ah!" " I'm here to..." "Excuse me..." " Mr Pallazzo?" " Yes?" " I'm the head usher." " One second." "Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the California Angels and the City of Los Angeles, on the occasion of her Majesty's royal visit, please welcome internationally renowned opera star, Enrico Pallazzo." "So, ladies and gentlemen, let us honor America as Mr. Pallazzo will now sing our national anthem." "Oh, say, can you see" "By the dawn's early light" "What so proudly we hailed" "In the twilight's last gleaming" "Those broad stripes and bright stars" "In the perilous night" "O'er the ramparts we watched" "And da-da-da-da-da-da" "And the rockets' red glare" "And the bombs in the air" "Gave proof to the night" "That we still had our flag" "Oh, say, does that flag... banner" "Wave over all the free" "In the home of the land" "And the land of the... free!" "And now, as the crowd settles back down, we'll wait for the exchange of line-ups and the start of today`s ballgame." "Oh, excuse me." "Uh, could you tell me...?" "Is this an official bat?" "Well, the Queen's visit has brought a sell-out crowd." "Could be a record!" "And while the fans are awaiting the first pitch, they're being entertained by the stadium's "Angel-vision", showing some of those unusual moments in baseball over the years." "Oops!" "..." "Sorry, fellas." "How about that?" "!" "Ladies and gentlemen, now taking the field, your California Angels!" "So, as the Angels take the field, we're about ready for the first pitch ceremony, with the Queen of England ready to toss out the first ball." "How about that Queen, ladies and gentlemen?" "Let's have a nice round of applause." "Now we're ready for the start of today's ballgame." "And I'm sure that group of lovely ladies would agree." "Well, they are, dude." "Those are the players' wives on hand to enjoy the game with us today." "What do you say, Cummings?" "Are we gonna do this today?" "Do what?" "Oh..." "Uh, play... ball!" "Frank!" "Al, it's Frank!" "And this game's on the way." "Dave Spiwack ready to face Jay Johnstone." " Nothing to report so far, chief." " Don't worry, Al." "If one of those players is the killer, Frank is gonna find him." "Even if he has to search every one of them." "Good luck, pal." "You all right?" "Let's see if that uniform is straight." "Looking good back here." "Let's see another shirt." "Well, you should take a larger." "A little tight in the crotch." "All right, all set!" "Okay, play ball!" "Strike?" "Strike... one!" "Strike two!" "Three!" "Strike three!" "You're clean." " Have you found him yet?" " No, and I've searched almost everybody." "Yeah, I saw that." "There's only one more out before the 7th inning stretch, Frank." "I'm gonna have my men on the alert, but you're gonna have to stall 'em." " Don't let them get that third out." " Right, Ed." "The Mariner shortstop, number four, Armando Fishonee." "Fishonee." " Ball!" " Ball...?" "Ball." "Get... get out of my... get out!" "Catch it!" "Catch it!" " Fair ball!" " Go, go, go..." "He's going home!" "Block the plate!" " Safe!" " Safe?" "What do you mean, safe?" "I don't believe it!" "There's the throw by the catcher, and now they got Fishonee hung up between first and second." "What the hell you think you're doing?" "Hey, you're not supposed to do that!" "Hey, wait a minute!" "Stop that!" "Stop that right now!" "Give me that ball." "I'll get you." "I know this is hard to believe, but apparently the umpires have got Fishonee in a rundown." " Safe." " Safe?" "How about that?" " He's out!" " Safe!" "Out!" " He was safe!" " He was out!" "Safe!" "Now there's a sight I've never seen." "He was safe." "He never tagged him with the ball." "You idiot!" "He was out when he ran to the baseline in the first place." "All, right, I've had enough." "You're out of here!" "What do you mean?" "You can't throw an umpire out of the game." " Yeah!" " All right!" "You're out of here!" "Even the guy running the scoreboard up there says he was out." "And he's way up there on the mezzanine." "My God!" "It's the third out." "I must kill... the Queen." "I must kill... the Queen." "Frank, Frank, it's the right-fielder!" "You're the worst umpire I've ever seen." "What game are you looking at?" "You're right, he was safe." "You're the boss." "Now we're going to take you for a little walk." "To think I respected you." "How could you do something so vicious?" "It was easy, my dear." "You forget I spent two years as a building contractor." "Now, let's go... quietly!" " Hey, look at that!" " Come on, let's get him." "Kick him in the balls!" "I must kill... the Queen." "The umpire..." "He saved the Queen's life." "That's not the umpire, your Honour." "Hey, it's Enrico Pallazzo!" "Enrico Pallazzo, Enrico Pallazzo..." "Drebin!" "..." "Frank!" "Frank!" "Frank!" "Help!" "Frank!" "Hold it, Ludwig!" "Stay where you are, Drebin." " He's got a gun." " I know." "You ruined my life, Drebin." "Now I'm going to ruin yours." " Leave the girl alone." " I am." "I'm going to kill you." "I see..." "Two can play at that game!" " You killed him!" " No, no." "He's just stunned." "He'll be all right in a couple of minutes." "Well..." "Oh, Frank, that's horrible." " That's so horrible." " I know, Ed." "My father went the same way." "I must kill Frank Drebin." "I must kill Frank Drebin." "No, no, don't shoot." "Jane, it's me..." "Funny Face." "I must kill Frank Drebin." " Up there!" " You love Frank Drebin." "And Frank Drebin loves you." "Jane, listen to me..." "If you don't love me, then you might as well pull that trigger, because... without you..." "I wouldn't wanna live anyway." "I've finally found someone I can love." "Good clean love." " Without utensils." " I must kill Frank Drebin." "It's a topsy-turvy world, Jane... and maybe the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans, but... this is our hill." "And these are our beans." "Jane, since I met you, I notice things that I never knew were there before:" "birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf... stoplights..." " I must kill..." " Jane!" "This morning..." "I bought something for you." "This is not very much, but pretty good for an honest policeman's salary." "It's an engagement ring." "I would have given it to you earlier, but..." "I wanted to wait until we were alone." " I..." " I love you, Jane." "Oh, Frank!" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry that I yelled at you yesterday, I really am." "Drebin!" "I was wrong about you." "This city, and I guess the whole world, owes you a debt of gratitude." "Thank you, Mayor." "And Monday morning, we want you back at police work... with a promotion to captain, of course." " Mayor..." " But don't thank me." "There's someone else here who wants to thank you." " Nordberg!" " How are you, buddy?" "." "Doc says I should be on my feet and as good as new in a week." " And back on the force!" " Nordberg, that's wonderful!" "Oh, Frank!" "Everyone should have a friend like you."