"(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "(theme song ending)" "Oh, boy, I ate too much." "Me, too." "I can hardly move." "They make quite a picture, don't they, Lucy?" "Yeah" " Porky and Fatso taking it easy." "Please, now, please." "No nagging on a full stomach." "Besides, it's your own fault." "You put too much food on the table." "You didn't have to eat everything in sight." "I only ate 12 oysters." "16, But who counts?" "Fred, did you really eat 16 oysters?" "You heard what the oyster counter said." "But I was doing it for you." "I was trying to find you a pearl." "Well, don't pick on him." "Ricky ate more oysters than all of us put together." "Naturally." "LUCY:" "What do you mean, naturally?" "Because I got more Rs in my name than anyone else." "Anyhow, the way you gals were shoveling in that food," "I thought you were using a conveyor belt." "Can't help it, eating's my hobby." "Yeah, you ought to watch that, Ethel." "'Course, it doesn't matter what I eat because it doesn't go to fat." "Where does it go to, thin?" "For your information, loverboy," "I weigh exactly the same as I did when we were married." "Ha!" "Well, I do." "Oh, come now, Lucy." "Ethel and Fred and I have all admitted that we're getting a little fat." "A little, uh, puffy, perhaps." "Now, why don't you break down and admit it, too?" "Well, I'd be very happy to join your tubby little trio if it were true, but it isn't." "Oh, Lucy, you're among friends." "Let's be honest." "I am honest!" "When Ricky and I were married, I weighed 110, and I weigh exactly that right now." "We shall see." "Now, don't bother getting those bathroom scales-- they're broken." "I fixed them this morning." "Oh." "Anyway, I'm getting a little bored with this discussion." " Aren't you?" " No." "Oh, whose side are you on anyway?" "I'm on the side of Ricky and his puffy pal." "Okay, on the scales, champ." "This I got to see." " Come on, on the scales." " No!" " You're the one..." " Come on, on the scales." "Oh, now, Ricky." "On the scales." "All right." "How much do I weigh?" "45 pounds, and stop leaning on us." "Okay." "132?" "!" "On behalf of our tubby trio," "I welcome you to our flabby foursome." "Well, now that that's over with." "What are we going to do tonight?" "I don't know what you're going to do but I'm going out and kill myself." "Oh, honey, so you gained a little weight." "Is that so terrible?" "A little weight?" "I walked into this room weighing 110." "I now weigh 132." "That's 22 pounds in ten minutes." "Aw, Lucy, don't cry about it." "What if I cried every time I gained a pound?" "We'd be up to our ears in tears." "Never mind, Fred." "I'm nothing but a big, bloated bunch of blubber." "Oh, honey, now don't talk that way." "I wouldn't want you any different than you are just now." "You wouldn't?" "No" " I like you plump." "(wailing)" "I..." "I didn't mean it like that." "I mean, you look swell!" "I'm not worried about you, but how am I going to look on the stage?" " The stage?" " Yes." "Oh, no, you're not going to start that again, are you?" "Oh, I know." "You don't want me in show business, but someday, in spite of you, opportunity will knock and what'll happen?" "I'll be so big and fat," "I won't be able to get up and open the door." "(phone rings)" " Oh, honey, forget it." "You look wonderful." "(phone rings)" "Hello?" "Hi, Jerry." "What?" "Oh, this is a fine time." "What am I supposed to do-- dance by myself?" "Okay, okay." "Well, look, try to get some girls lined up and we'll have auditions in the morning." "Good-bye." "Oh, hello, Jerry?" "Hello..." "Listen, Jerry, what was the size of the new costume you just bought for Joanne?" "Well, get girls that size." "Good-bye." "What's the matter, Ricky?" "Joanne is quitting." "Who's Joanne?" "Oh, that's terrible." "Who's Joanne?" "At a time like this, too." "Who's Joanne?" "Why did she quit?" "Who's Joanne?" "She's getting married." "Who's Joanne?" "She's the girl that dances with Ricky." "Now, what was I doing wrong?" "Now I got to find a girl who can sing and dance and teach her the number by Saturday night." "(humming a merry tune)" "I can't think of a soul." "Lucy, will you stop that racket and let me think?" "What are you so fidgety about?" "Your girdle too tight?" "No, I was just about to suggest that in this very room, there's a very pretty and talented young lady who is a wonderful singer and dancer." "Who?" "Ethel?" "Who?" "Ethel?" "No, not her-- me." "Oh." "Oh, Ricky, this is a wonderful chance for me." "I know the number." "I can take Joanne's place." "Please?" "No, that's out of the question." "Give me one good reason." "Well, you're..." "You're too fat." " Fat?" "!" " You said so yourself." "Plump maybe, but not fat." "Come on, Fred, we'd better go." "No, let's stay and see the fun." "Then you won't have to hang out the bathroom window to hear what they're saying." "Come on." "No, now you two stay right there." "I want you for witnesses." "Ricky Ricardo, I'm asking you to give me the same chance you would give anyone else." "Let me come down and audition for you just as if I were a stranger." "You can forget you ever knew me." "That's a very tempting offer." "Oh, can I audition for you, Ricky?" "Can I?" "All right, all right." "You can come down and audition in the morning." "Good!" "Fred and Ethel, now, you heard that." "You're witnesses." "Yeah, but it's gonna be strictly business." "I never saw you before in my life." "Okay, Lucy?" "Lucy?" "I beg your pardon." "Have we been introduced?" "(playing piano)" "Pardon me, but is this where Ricky Ricardo is auditioning girls for the dance?" "Yeah, honey, but if I had known he wanted older women," "I'd have brought my mother." "Don't pay any attention to her, honey." "I guess we're all auditioning for the same part, huh?" "Can I give you a tip?" "Oh, yes." "I've known Ricky Ricardo for a long time." "Oh?" "You're not his type." "Hi, Marco." "Hi, girls." "Sorry to keep you waiting." "Good morning, Mr. Ricardo." "Good morning, Mr. Ricardo." "Now, let's all line up here, please." "Let's all line up." "We might as well get started." "Let's see what you can..." "See what you can do." "We'll, uh..." "we'll start with a time step." "All right, Marco, go ahead." "(piano plays)" "That's fine, that's fine." "That's enough for now." "That's enough for now." "That's fine." "All right, girls." "That's fine." "Now, um..., you're all size 12, aren't you?" "DANCERS:" "Yes." "Uh... yeah." "Well, that's good because whoever gets the job has to wear this size-12 costume." "Now, uh..." "Miss..." "Uh...?" "Uh, MacGillicuddy." "MacGillicuddy." "Over here, please." "Yes, sir." "Now, take this costume into the dressing room and put it on, and then we'll see what you can do with the number." "Yes, sir, thank you." "All right." "Miss Macgoullucuddy, uh... how are you coming along?" "(strained voice):" "Oh, I've almost got the costume on." "Well, hurry up." "We're waiting." "I'll be right there." "All I have to do is fasten it." "We're waiting." "Just this one last... (groans)" "(fabric ripping)" "Oh!" "What happened?" "It was a very small size 12." "Mira Io que lo hizo al vestido." "Mira lo que le paso el vestido." "Me dijo que tenia un size 12 y se lo puso, y lo rompio todo para que se puso el vestido si sabia que no iba a caber, senora?" "Gracias." "Now I got to get a new costume." "Oh, no, you don't, Mr. Ricardo." "It's only split in the seams." "I can sew it up myself." "Now, look, never mind." "Just take it off and leave it in the dressing room and don't call us, we'll call you." " Oh, but Mr. Ricardo..." " What?" "If I get thin enough to fit the dress, can I have the part?" "Look, the number goes in by Saturday." "You couldn't possibly get thin enough by then." "But if I can, can I?" "All right, all right." "Now, good-bye, good-bye." "You heard him, Ethel." "If I get thin enough to fit the dress, I can have the part." "Do you really think you can take off 12 pounds in four days?" "I'm going to get rid of this fat if I have to chop it off with a cleaver." "If I have to chop it off with a cleaver." "(running footsteps)" "Hey, wait!" "That was the last lap." "Oh, that's great." "You did that in two-and-a-half minutes flat." "You now hold the national indoor record for the around-the- fourth-floor dash." "You've done good work." "You deserve a rest period." "Thanks." "Okay, time's up." "Now, you have time to jump this rope 500 times before the boys come home for dinner." "Two hundred?" "One hundred?" "Well, do as many as you can." "Uh... one!" "Uh... two!" "Uh... higher!" "Oh, you poor little thing." "You've worked very hard." "Let's weigh you in." "Come on." "(grunts)" "Stiffen up, Lucy." "(gasps)" "Another five ounces." "In three days, you've lost almost two pounds." "Keen." "Oh, don't get discouraged." "Only ten pounds more to go." "We'll get you into size 12." "Yeah, a size-12 shroud." "Now, take a shower and clean up." "I'll get dinner." "Dinner?" "Okay." "What's the matter?" "I can't seem to move." "Could you point me in the right direction?" "Thanks." "Here you are, Ricky." "Oh, thank you." "Here you are, Fred, a nice juicy steak." "Oh, I love steak." "I hope you don't mind us bringing Butch along?" "Not at all." "If he behaves himself, we'll give him the bone." "Oh, he's a good dog." "Best dog in the..." "Here you are, Lucy." "Oh, no, that's yours." "How's your steak, Fred?" "Perfect-- just the way I like it." "Is your steak all right, Ricky?" "Oh, delicious." "How's yours?" " Fine, nice and tender." " Good." "How's your celery, Lucy?" "Oh, delicious, thanks." "Is it cooked enough for you?" "Oh, yes, just the way I like it, nice and tender." "Will you pass the potatoes, Rick?" "Sure thing, here you go." "Thanks." "Oh, could I have a biscuit, Fred?" "Sure, you can have a biscuit." "Excuse me." "Thank you." "Want a biscuit, Ricky?" "Mm-hmm." "Thank you." "Hey, Fred, could I have the potatoes back, please?" "Sure, you may." "Thank you, Fred." "You know, I'm forgetting about poor, old Butch." "Hey, yeah, don't forget about him." "I'm going to give him a nice, juicy piece of this steak." " Do you mind?" " Go ahead." "Come on, Butch." "Sit up there, boy." "There you are." "Sit up now." "There you go." "You going to thank me?" "Huh?" "Well, I can't stand anymore." "I'll be back later." "ETHEL:" "Ah!" "Stay out of the kitchen." "FRED:" "How about another biscuit, Ethel?" "ETHEL:" "Uh-huh." "There you are." "RICKY:" "Hey, Fred, string beans?" "FRED:" "Sure, these are good for you." "Full of iron." "ETHEL:" "There you are, Ricky." "RICKY:" "Thank you." "Hey, I didn't give Butch anything." "Here you are, Butch." "Aren't you going to thank me?" "Nice Butch, nice Butch." "(Lucy growls and barks)" "Who's under there?" "RICKY:" "Who's under the table?" "Nobody here but us dogs." "Lucy." "Come out from under the table." "Now, what do you got to say for yourself?" "(barks)" "Lucy." "All right, you don't have to get nasty about it, I'm leaving." "Where are you going?" "I'm going down to the corner bakery and smell the bread." "Okay, Lucy, let's get started on our road work for the day." "What's that?" "A human pressure cooker." "Where'd you get it?" "I rented it." "You really are determined, aren't you?" "Of course" " I'm going to do that number with Ricky tonight." "Did you lose enough weight?" "I've got five more pounds to lose and five hours to do it in." "This is my last day." "If you spend five hours in that it really will be your last day." "Well, it's my only chance, Ethel." "Okay, I only hope you know what you're doing." "I do." "Check me at 6:00 tonight." "You're not really going to spend all that time in there?" "I certainly am." "All right." "They'll have to pick you up with a blotter." "Okay, honey, it's 6:00." "How are you doing?" "Lucy!" "Where are you?" "Lucy!" "Lucy." "Is this all that's left?" "Practically." "Oh, Lucy, you gave me an awful fright." "Thank heavens you're here." "I'm here all right." "120 pounds of me." "You did it." "I'm going down to the club and do that number." "What about that other girl Ricky hired?" "I'll take care of her somehow." "Do you really think you can make it?" "Oh, don't worry." "I'm as strong as..." "as a very weak horse but I'll make it." "(band starts a rumba)" "♪ They call me Cuban Pete ♪" "♪ I'm the king of the rumba beat ♪" "♪ When I play the maracas ♪" "♪ I go chick-chicky-boom, chick-chicky-boom ♪" "♪ Yes, sir, I'm Cuban Pete ♪" "♪ I'm the craze of my native street ♪" "♪ When I start to dance ♪" "♪ Everything goes chick-chicky- boom, chick-chicky-boom ♪" "♪ There's senoritas, they sing and how they swing ♪" "♪ With this rumbero ♪" "♪ It's very nice ♪" "♪ So full of spice ♪" "♪ And when they're dancing ♪" "♪ They bring a happy ring of vaqueros ♪" "♪ Singing a song all the day long ♪" "♪ So if you like the beat, take a lesson from Cuban Pete ♪" "♪ And I'll teach you to chick-chicky-boom ♪" "♪ Chick-chicky-boom, chick-chicky-boom ♪" "♪ Si, senorita, I know ♪" "♪ That you will like the chicky-boom-chick ♪" "♪ Because it's the dance of Latin romance ♪" "♪ And Cuban Pete doesn't teach you in a hurry ♪" "♪ Like Arthur Murray ♪" "♪ I come from Havana and there's always manana ♪" "♪ So senorita... a'" "Oh, no." "♪ They call me Sally Sweet ♪" "♪ I'm the queen of Delancy Street ♪" "♪ When I start to dance ♪" "♪ Everything goes chick-chicky-boom ♪" "♪ Chick-chicky-boom. ♪" "Ay-ya-ya-ya-ya." "♪ Excuse me, Mr. Pete. ♪" "Yes, ma'am." "♪ Have the Cubans a different beat?" "♪" "♪ If they have, will you teach me ♪" "♪ To chick-chicky-boom chick-chicky-boom?" "♪" "♪ Si, senorita ♪" "♪ I know that you will like ♪" "♪ The chicky-boom-chick. ♪" "Yeah, man." "♪ It's very nice ♪" "♪ So full of spice ♪" "♪ I place my hand on your hip ♪" "♪ And if you will, just give me your hand I" "♪ Then we shall try ♪" "♪ Just you and I. ♪" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Ricky?" "Yes, Lucy?" "Do I get to be in the show every night now, Ricky?" "Well, I'm afraid not, honey." "You were wonderful, but the doctors say you got to stay in bed for three weeks." "You're suffering from malnutrition." "Ew..." "(I Love Lucy theme music plays)"