"ANNOUNCER:" "In last week's episode of Soap," "Danny brought Elaine home to meet the family." "Despite Burt's invisibility, Mary's hostility," "Jodie's homosexuality, and Chuck and Bob's insanity," "Elaine wants to marry him anyway." "Perhaps she doesn't plan on having children." "Meanwhile, at Jessica's trial, Mallu's assistant, Carol, has asked Jodie out, even though he's gay." "Jodie has accepted, even though she's a girl." "Jessica turned her trial into a tea party, and then tried to leave when the prosecutor said nasty things about her and spoiled the fun." "Confused?" "You won't be after this week's episode of Soap." "[♪♪♪]" "This is the story of two sisters:" "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates." "And these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "[♪♪♪]" "You son of a..." "Now, just take it easy." "Go!" "JESSICA:" "Hey, boys." "Boys." "[♪♪♪]" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Wow." "This is a terrific place." "I'm so glad we came." "I'm just glad I finally got you out at night." "Carol, lunch, dinner, what's the difference?" "Dinner is romantic." "Carol, there's not gonna be any romance here." "Why?" "I'm a homosexual, remember?" "I've been meaning to speak to you about that." "Listen, Carol," "I like you, but I'm gay." "So if you have expectations other than being friends..." "I want to go to bed with you." "Listen, Carol, I'm..." "I'm flattered, but due to circumstances beyond my control..." "You mean you don't want to go to bed with me?" "Right." "You're kidding." "No." "You mean you would rather go to bed with him than me?" "Not him, not him." "Him." "Why would you wanna go to bed with him?" "I'm better-looking than he is." "I mean, I wouldn't even want to go to bed with him." "Carol." "Oh, you know, this is wonderful." "I finally meet a guy I really like and he hates me." "I don't hate you, I like you." "I just don't want to sleep with you." "You don't like me." "I do." "A lot." "I love being with you." "Listen, we can be friends and we can see each other all the time." "We can?" "Sure, as friends." "And we can go out?" "Absolutely, as friends." "And we could go away for a weekend together?" "Well, I..." "As friends." "Right, as friends." "Well, would you come to the cape with me this weekend?" "See, I was gonna go by myself but I would much rather go with you." "As friends?" "Right." "Okay, but just as friends." "Right." "[♪♪♪]" "Mary." "What?" "Mary, look." "You can't tell who's who here." "What do you mean, darling?" "I mean, look at them, they all look alike." "I mean, which ones are the patients and which are the visitors?" "Maybe they're all visitors, Burt." "Mary, you have visitors visiting the visitors?" "Now, now, who are the doctors?" "I can't tell who anybody is here." "Hello." "Hello?" "Sure, hello." "It's easy for you to say hello." "Hello, I'll give you hello." "Hello!" "I think I'll be able to tell." "Hi." "Hello..." "Hi." "You here to check in?" "Yes, please." "Name?" "Burt Campbell." "Burt Campbell." "Burt Campbell." "Doctor's name?" "Medlow." "Ah, Dr. Medlow." "He's a good man." "Symptoms?" "Invisibility." "Hey, that's not bad." "I'm paranoid." "I beg your pardon?" "Paranoid." "The secret police are after me." "The Argentinean secret police." "And they might be back." "So that's why I keep changing hats." "It confuses them." "I see Harold's admitted you." "I'm Dr. Resnick." "You must be Mr. Campbell." "Yes." "Hello." "MARY:" "Hi." "I'll give you two a few minutes to say goodbye," "And then I'll be back to show you around." "Now, where were we?" "He's a patient." "Hey, with these hats, you think I'm on staff?" "Harold Bronfman, paranoid schizophrenic." "You work here?" "Oh, yeah." "We all help out." "Well, I'll see you later." "It's a cheerful place." "Mary, please don't, huh?" "Come on." "We all know what it is." "But, darling, they'll help you." "They'll help you get better." "I don't know, Mary." "Doesn't look like they've been much help to The Mad Hatter." "Burt, we don't know." "You know, maybe this is an improvement." "Maybe when he first came here he'd change his entire outfit." "This is not an easy goodbye." "It's not goodbye." "I'll be back tomorrow." "Yeah, but will I?" "You'll be fine, you'll see." "Last time I felt like this, I was 5, and my mother left me in kindergarten." "I felt like my life was over." "I know, darling, but I'll be here every day, I promise." "You call me if you need anything." "Okay?" "See you tomorrow." "I love you." "Scared?" "What?" "You're scared stiff." "Hey, hey, I'm not scared stiff." "What have I got to be scared stiff of?" "Well, you got a guy talking to you changes hats every 10 seconds." "You got a lady over there who thinks NBC is trying to kill her by shooting death rays into her, so we can never watch Johnny Carson." "We got a guy over there who thinks he's the Incredible Hulk's cousin, by marriage." "Okay, okay." "So I'm a little scared." "You'd be crazy if you weren't." "Hey, listen, I was terrified." "I got here, I said," ""Ptt!" "That's it, Harold." "You're never getting out."" "But I'm getting better." "You are?" "Oh, yeah." "I'm getting out in a couple of weeks." "What about the hats?" "We're working on it." "Listen, Burt, they'll make you better here, they really will." "Look, the really nice thing about it is, you remember how crazy you felt on the outside?" "You'd worry what people would think, huh?" "Well, here you never feel the least bit crazy." "Hey, how can you?" "Come on." "I'll show you your room." "Okay." "Thanks." "Oh, here, have a hat." "Hear, hear." "[♪♪♪]" "Well, that's it." "I mean, the minute we find Billy, I am leaving." "I absolutely refuse to bring any more tragedy into this family." "Jessica, stop talking nonsense." "No, I am a curse." "I am like one enormous jinx." "If Edgar Allan Poe were alive, he'd fall in love with me." "Jessica, it's perfectly normal for a young man to run away at one time or another." "No, it's me." "Something awful happens, just look around, I'll be in the vicinity." "Jessica..." "Look, Peter gets murdered." "Burt goes insane." "Corinne runs away." "Billy leaves home." "Now, I am very surprised India had those floods without me." "EUNICE:" "Maybe he went to Jennifer's." "He wouldn't be caught dead at Jennifer's." "Benson, he happens to be in love with Jennifer." "Oh, that was last week." "This week he hates her guts." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "You want me to get that?" "If you don't mind." "Dick Tracy." "Well, did you find him?" "Why, this family is a whole career." "Did you find him, Tinkler?" "It's incredible what goes on in this house." "I mean, she's on trial for murder, judge tells me you're an embezzler, the major shoots up the neighbourhood, and now your son's run away from home." "Have you folks ever considered family counselling?" "Tinkler, you meddling moron, did you find him?" "He's lucky he found this house." "I'm gonna find Billy." "Give me your keys." "Now, wait a minute." "That's an official car." "It's okay." "I'll tell them I'm you." "Oh, okay." "Wait a minute." "Better take my hat." "Yeah, good." "[♪♪♪]" "[♪♪♪]" "Hey, what are you doing still up?" "Waiting for you." "Is something the matter?" "Let's talk." "Yeah, sure." "What is it?" "You and Elaine." "Oh, yeah." "Danny, do you love her?" "Yeah." "Well, it's the strangest love I've ever seen." "I watched the two of you." "Every time she opens her mouth, you cringe." "You make believe you don't hear when she asks you a question." "And a few times you stuck your tongue out at her when her back was turned." "What, were you spying on us?" "Spying?" "You were at the dinner table." "Danny, don't marry without love." "There's nothing lonelier than that." "Where would Burt and I be now if we didn't love each other?" "I have to marry her." "She's pregnant." "Danny, you don't have to marry these days for that." "These are modern times." "Pregnancy is no longer a reason to marry in panic." "She's not pregnant." "Thank God." "Good night, Ma." "Then why are you marrying her?" "Ma, you remember when I told you that the Mob had a contract out on me?" "Well, Elaine intervened and saved my life." "Well, Danny, gratitude is nice, but you don't have to marry her." "I mean, something from Tiffany's would be ample." "I have to marry her." "Danny, I don't know how to say this." "What?" "Well, I'm afraid I'll hurt you." "Hey, come on, Ma." "All right." "Danny, she's awful." "She's selfish and sarcastic and pushy and tactless and cruel and obnoxious." "And her father will kill me if I don't marry her." "People can change." "Well, I guess it's bedtime." "Night, Ma." "Good night, Danny." "[♪♪♪]" "I am really the kiss of death." "Yeah." "You remember when Daddy and I went to Florida last year?" "First frost in 50 years." "Killed the entire orange crop." "Jessica, knock it off." "JESSICA:" "Oh, Daddy." "Daddy, did you find him?" "Who?" "Billy." "Billy who?" "Billy, your grandson." "Oh, the lad." "No." "But did you know this town has a black sheriff?" "Come on, Grandpa." "I'll get you some tea." "Here we are." "Oh, Billy." "Oh, honey." "Are you all right?" "Here are your car keys." "Yeah, thanks." "And your handcuff keys." "Handcuff keys?" "Yeah, while I was out, I arrested a drunk driver." "Nice work." "Hey, you people through with the hero's welcome?" "This is a runaway kid, not a lost puppy, you know." "Are you gonna tell them or should I?" "Do you have a way of making me look good?" "Go on." "Tell them." "Well, I got my report card back and I failed math." "I figured this family has enough trouble." "Why add to it?" "I mean, with Mom on trial for murder," "Corinne leaving, and now Dad being..." "Oh, we know, we know." "So I couldn't show you my report card and I decided to run away." "But when I was hitchhiking, the first car that stopped," "I got scared and ran into the bushes." "Oh, I had this awful picture that the driver turned out to be the garbage-bag killer." "And 40 years from now, they'd discover my body in a Glad bag, and you'd identify me from the fillings." "I'm sorry I did it." "Hope you're not mad at me." "I mean, you really don't need that now with Mom on trial for murder, and Dad being..." "We know." "We know." "Well, I'm sorry." "And I'll work on my math." "Oh, Billy." "We're your family." "We love you." "Don't you know that there's nothing in the world that you could do that's so bad that you couldn't tell us?" "I mean, after all, I'm on trial for murder, and your father's..." "We know." "We know." "We know." "We know." "Good night." "Okay, son." "Why don't you go upstairs and get some sleep?" "Thanks, Dad." "Hi, Gramps." "Oh, there you are." "Look, everybody, I found him." "You had us worried sick." "I'm sorry." "Say, did you know this town has a black sheriff?" "[♪♪♪]" "And so I remember that night very well." "I ate chilli and had gas." "I couldn't get to sleep, so I stayed up and watched all the late movies." "Then, at the crack of dawn," "I heard Mr. Tate trip over the extension cord that I forgot to fix, and his cursing kept me up the whole rest of the night." "So I know Mrs. Tate never went out." "My goodness, we have the incredible Kreskin here." "We do?" "Where?" "Amazing recall, Mr. Benson." "Absolutely amazing retention of detail." "Thank you." "Tell me, is this some sort of voodoo way of knowing that you people have or what?" "I object." "I do too." "FRANKLIN:" "All right." "Very well, Mr. Benson, keeping your eyes on me now, you would please demonstrate some more of this amazing talent." "What colour tie is the foreman wearing?" "Green, with red stripes." "And the woman seated directly behind him, what is she wearing?" "Yellow blouse with a blue scarf." "And the man seated next to her?" "Three-piece blue suit with a blue shirt and a blue tie that clashes... and then, the other guy..." "All right, all right, all right." "You have a wonderful memory, but that doesn't prove that Mrs. Tate didn't tiptoe out and you didn't hear her." "[MUMBLES] You may step down." "What?" "Aha!" "I said, "you may step down."" "But you didn't hear me." "Wonderful memory, rotten hearing." "I call Mr. Chester Tate to the stand." "No further questions." "I have no questions." "JUDGE:" "You may step down." "The man mumbled." "I hear great." "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help you God?" "Of course I do, Tinkler." "Benson, that was terrific." "How did you remember what the jury was wearing?" "I could see their reflection in the window." "Now, then, Mr. Tate, according to your deposition, on the night in question, you did not sleep with Mrs. Tate." "Is that correct?" "I believe it is." "Actually, Mr. Tate, you hadn't slept with her for a long time, probably because you were busy sleeping with everything else around." "All right, strike that." "I'm sorry, counsellor." "Please forgive me if I refer to the man as a cheat and a womanizer." "Now, then, Mr. Tate, on that night, what time was it you last saw your wife?" "She did not go out, if that's what you mean." "She didn't leave the house." "FRANKLIN:" "I see." "And why should we believe you, Mr. Tate?" "Because I'm telling the truth." "I was sworn in." "I see." "So you're asking us to believe a man who is being investigated by the Securities and Exchange Commission for stock fraud and embezzlement." "Oh, good." "Objection, Your Honour." "This is not Mr. Tate's trial." "Sustained." "Watch your behaviour, counsellor." "I am sorry, Your Honour." "I just got carried away." "Forgive me if I called the man a liar and a thief and a cheat." "I'm sorry." "And I'm also very impressed that you can be so fair and impartial towards a man who personally cheated you out of $40,000." "No more questions." "I have no questions." "Your Honour..." "Step down." "But, Your Honour..." "Step down!" "A cheat and a womanizer." "Once, in the war." "Someone to be with during the end." "The next day I was wounded and shipped home." "Tate, will you please sit down?" "It still pains me when the weather's damp." "The prosecution would like to recall to the stand Jessica Tate." "Oh, goody." "JUDGE:" "Now, Mrs. Tate, remember, you're still under oath." "Oh, I know that." "Watch this." "Mrs. Tate, did you know Peter Campbell?" "Yes." "You took tennis lessons from him, did you not?" "[LAUGHS]" "Yes." "You were also having an affair with him, weren't you, Mrs. Tate?" "Your Honour, I absolutely refuse to discuss my personal life with this man." "What is past is past." ""What is past is past"?" "This is a trial." "Mrs. Tate, I order you to answer the question." "Were you having an affair with Peter Campbell?" "No, no, no." "To the jury, the jury." "It was very brief." "Two times only." "Of course it was brief." "You killed him." "Objection." "Sustained." "Sorry, I withdraw the remark." "The jury will please disregard that last remark." "Disregard it?" "I love it." "How can they disregard it?" "You've already said it." "One more outburst from you and I'm gonna have Mr. Winkler remove you from the courtroom." "Tinkler, Your Honour." "Chief Tinkler." "Oh, who cares?" "Lenore Feldman." "That's who it is." "It has been driving me crazy for days." "I knew I knew you." "Oh, Mrs. Tate." "This is a court of law." "Lenore Feldman, Your Honour." "Remember we did the hula dance at the PTA thing, huh?" "[SINGING]" ""Drain-oh, volcano"?" "It rhymes." "Your Honour, I move that Mrs. Feldman be replaced by an alternate since she had a prior relationship with the island princess." "JUDGE:" "Granted." "So you were having an affair with Peter Campbell, a man young enough to be your son." "Hm." "The man with whom your daughter was in love." "Her daughter, ladies and gentlemen, and she couldn't stand to see her daughter have him, so..." "Shoot that man!" "[GAVEL BANGING]" "So this sick woman, left alone, frustrated, spurned..." "Objection, Your Honour." "The prosecution is trying to create a smoke screen of smut and lies to hide the fact that their case is built only on the most meagre circumstantial evidence." "Your Honour, this case is a travesty." "The prosecution is making a mockery of the judicial system." "Is this America?" "Is this justice?" "Is this the end of my career?" "I move for a dismissal." "WOMAN:" "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "[GAVEL BANGING]" "JUDGE:" "Order." "Order." "Now, it seems that Mr. Mallu is correct, Mr. Franklin." "Unless you can give me a good reason to continue," "I'm gonna have to dismiss this case." "All right, it was going to be a surprise, but, Your Honour, tomorrow you will hear testimony so startling, so damaging to the defendant, that we'll be lucky if the jury doesn't leap over the railing and lynch her on the spot." "[♪♪♪]" "ANNOUNCER:" "Will Jodie and Carol go away for the weekend as just friends?" "What will they come back as?" "Will the hospital make Burt better?" "And if so, is invisibility covered by Blue Cross?" "Will Elaine change like Mary hopes?" "Or is Danny doomed to be married to a selfish, sarcastic, loud, pushy, tactless, cruel and obnoxious person?" "Who is Franklin's surprise witness?" "And after hearing this witness's testimony, will the jury really jump over the railing and lynch Jessica on the spot?" "Would this be legal?" "These questions, and many others, will be answered on next week's episode of Soap." "[♪♪♪]" "Soap is videotaped in front of a studio audience."