"# My thoughts may stray #" "# My eyes may roam #" "# The neighbors' grass may seem much greener #" "# Than the grass right here at home #" "# If pretty girls excite me, well, that's life #" "# But just in case you didn't know #" "# I love my wife #" "# If rosy lips invite me, hey, that's life #" "# But just in case you couldn't guess #" "# Or hadn't heard or didn't know #" "# I love my wife, I love my wife #" "# I love my wife. #" "My life is sawdust." "Sawdust and tile samples." "Think the remodel's getting out of hand?" "The house is always cold, we don't talk, and every spare second she has, she's working on the kitchen." "I come home and I basically just get in the way." "Lately, it feels like there's 15 miles" " between my wife and I at all times." " How's the sex?" "Why is it that you feel comfortable asking me that question?" "Sex is gone." "Is it the remodel or is the remodel the convenient excuse" " to be 15 miles apart?" " I don't know." "I just know that lately she's very... snippy." "Snippy's not good." "That means Donna has unprocessed anger towards you, which in turn is reinforcing your own low self-esteem about your part in the marriage." "What did you do, get butt-fucked by a therapist this weekend?" "No, I stayed at home, laid on the floor." "My back, it's killing me." "Carol and the kids had to wait on me hand and foot." "All right, I got the fix." "Everybody wins." "We get a therapist to come over, give Donna a quick brainwashing, get her to process some of this unearthed anger of hers." "Hopefully, she takes some of it out on him." "The upshot is Donna gets real sweet and you guys get back to normal." "Meanwhile, next weekend Carol and the kids come over to my place and wait on me hand and foot." "How's that help my backache?" "While your wife and kids are busy treating me like the lost prince, you're in the free to go over and see Sachiko." "She grabs your dick so hard and yanks it so far your back becomes the absolute least of your problems." "You are howling in an ecstasy-tainted pain that's so deep and so soothing, you don't know whether to take a shit or run for Congress." "You finally leave the place skipping and singing like a nine-year-old schoolgirl." "Once again, as in all my fixes, everybody wins." "It's good thing we don't have a longer walk to work every day." "Some of your bullshit would actually start to make sense." "Order anything you want." "It's on me and you deserve to splurge." "You got me that in in "Chicago Perspective" and I really appreciate it." "Hey, you're talented, okay?" "You have a lot of passion." "You're good at what you do." "You make it easy to be nice to." "And I'm cute." "You always seem to forget to mention the cute part." "Yes, you are, you're cute." "Goes without saying." "You're not gonna have to run away and masturbate again, are you?" "You know what?" "Fuck off, okay?" "Anyway, for all I know according to you, you're probably masturbating right now as we speak." "Actually, I already did while you were in the men's room." " So, let me ask you a question." " Hmm." "Where's this going with you and I?" "All the sex talk, all the masturbating talk, where's it going?" "I don't know." "Where do you want it to go?" "Where do you want it to go?" "I want it to go somewhere, put it that way." " Tell me." " Why?" " 'Cause I'm curious." " Well, you're married" " and it's not gonna go there, so..." " Where's there?" "Where do you think there is?" "Your bed?" "Is that where you want it to go, your bed?" "Yes, my bed." "Are you happy now?" "Is that what you wanted to hear?" "You swear you're not bullshitting." "No, I'm not bullshitting." "But you're married, remember?" "I know I'm married." "Fine, I'm just curious." "I just happen to love the fact that..." "What, that I want to fuck you?" "Yes, that you want to fuck me." " You like that?" " Absolutely." "You... you wanting to fuck me is a very good thing, it's... as close as one comes to the actual act." "Whose duck is that?" "That's Bobby's duck!" "There's my little boy." "Hey, you're home early." "How come?" "Hello, gorgeous." "I actually am taping that show tonight." "I thought you might want to come." "The less said about that show, the better." "Anyway, I've got Larry coming with cabinets." "Okay." "What about dinner?" "The kitchen gonna be able to make a tuna sandwich and bag of chips anytime soon?" "Just as soon as you or your assistant calls me" " and tells me you'll be coming home." " What does that mean?" "Assuming we both speak English, I'm sure you know what it means." "It means I'll gladly have dinner for you if I know you're going to be here." "Oh." "That makes sense." "Look at Ducky." "Hello, darling." " Quack, quack." " All right, no problem." "Quack, quack." "Yeah." "Sandy, you know my assistant Missy, don't you?" " She came on the show, remember?" " Don't remind me." "I've wanted to tell you what a fan I am of your appearances on the show." "Of course you are." "I come on the show once a week and play the fool to your boss's political raconteur." "He makes me look silly and then he goes to work the next day all happy and upbeat and is all sweet to you." "You should be my fan." "He is excellent on the show, isn't he?" "Do you want anything to drink, like coffee or something?" "I'd actually love an iced tea." " Great." " Thank you." " I'm fine." "Thanks, sweetie." " Okay." "Wants to be a reporter, silly her." "Mmm, she's got a crush on her boss, that one." "You two fooling around?" " No." "Why would you ask that?" " Hey, it's okay." " It's not." "We're not fooling around." " Hey, I was just teasing." "I'm the last one to judge on something like that." "Well, I'm not." "We're not fooling around." "We're not." "We're not fooling around." "Seriously, we're not." "Of course, you're not, Micky." "I was really just teasing." "I got you though, didn't I?" "See you out there." "Ow." "Chiropractor can't see me till next week." "Get off the floor, I'll take you to Sachiko's." "No." "It's cafeteria style." "You take what you want, leave the rest." "Yeah?" "Okay." "Let's do it." "At any rate, Sandy, your opinion of Mr. Bush?" "I think Bush is doing a good job." "I think he's brought some decency back to the job." "Let me cover the issue another way then." "Do you as a reporter ever have the right to probe into these people's private lives, in or out of their marriages?" "No, my job is to report on their jobs, okay?" "As long as their private lives don't affect their jobs or the people that they represent, then their private lives, at least to me, aren't newsworthy." "But supposing someone fools around with a woman outside of his marriage, doesn't that then effect his public integrity, the integrity of doing the job?" "Doesn't that then become newsworthy?" " What's your opinion, Micky?" " I don't think it's the right question." "This isn't the issue that we've elected these people to inform us on." "Exactly." "Not only that, I think there's very few of us that have the perfect handle on that aspect of our lives anyway." "Nobody's perfect, people make mistakes." "It's part of the human condition." "That's a good place to end "Chicago This Week."" "Please tune in next week for all that's relevant, all that's Chicago, all that's me." "Good night." "This is it?" "This is the place?" "The outside makes it look worse than it is." "They put the money in the girls." "You know what?" "I don't want to do this." "Look, they're legitimate masseuses." "They got licenses on the wall, like doctors or car mechanics." "No." "I'll go home now." "This isn't for me." "Give me a break." "It's a hand job." " I don't want a hand job, Jake." " All right, fine, I'll get two." "If you change your mind, I'll give you one of them tomorrow at the office." "Thank you, Melvin." "See you next week." "You were great." "You were hysterical." "You were smart." "You were appealing." "You were exciting." "You were funny." "Thank you, but I did notice you didn't laugh at the Jesse Jackson joke." " Is there a reason for that?" " Oh, um... no, at that moment I was just thinking of this column I wanted to write one day." "That Sandy's a trip though, isn't she?" "She asked me if we were fooling around." " What?" " She did." "No, really, what did you say?" "She was teasing." "She was fishing, but she asked." "Why would she be fishing?" "What would make her think that?" "What did you tell her?" "What did I tell her?" "I told her we were, but we had cooled it and now I was just occasionally letting you blow me after work." "What do you think I told her?" "She really asked if we were fooling around?" "The mayor's press secretary, Micky." "Doesn't that worry you?" " What, are you gonna rough me up?" " Yes!" "No, it doesn't worry me." "She was teasing." "It's fine." " It is?" " Yes, it is." "Am I free to go?" "No, you're not free to go." " You are in big, big trouble." " I am?" "Good." "What are you doing?" "Why did you just kiss me?" "You're married." "I know, I know." "It was a mistake, okay?" "Hey, you kissed me back." "Sorry." "Okay, I gotta go." "I should go home." "I should go home." " Yeah." " Damn cute, Missy." "I'll see you at work tomorrow?" "Hey." " Hey, honey." " Oh God." "I'm in pain." "My back is killing me." " Oh." " Can't think." "You know, my head is so messed up from this backache, I almost went with Jake to his massage parlor." "Hmm, somehow I think we might have trouble getting Blue Cross to reimburse that." "Well, just looking to fix my back." "Although I do find myself" " with a craving for a hand job." " Excuse me?" "Remember you used to give me hand jobs down in your basement during high school?" "I used to look so forward to those all week long." "You did?" "That's sweet." "You haven't given me a hand job in years." "You used to love it." "Well, I liked the way it made you feel, but I didn't exactly love it." "Especially when you drank beer, it would take forever." "I'd get hand cramps." "Well, I miss it." "My back hurts." "Tell you what, the kids are at a sleep-over tonight." "Why don't you go in the bedroom, take a hot shower?" "Go relax, lay down on the bed and I will come in and give you a massage and a hand job." " You will?" " Uh-huh." " Really?" " Uh-huh." "No shit." "Then what did she do?" "She kissed me back." "For a minute at least, then she got freaked out." "Now, I'm trusting you here, Jake." "I'm telling you this like a buddy." "I don't want you teasing me and I don't want you going to her" " with stupid little jokes." " Hey, just give me a little credit." "I know you think I should fuck her, get it out of my system." " I do, absolutely." " But that's not me." "Okay, you were right about me, you had me pegged." "I am looking for love or something." "I am fucked up." "I mean I kiss this girl once and I just..." "I almost..." "I almost told her I loved her or something." "I mean, it's not even about fucking her." "It's like I want to..." "I just want to kiss her." "Just like..." "kiss her really deeply." "You got your wife to kiss deeply, Micky." "You don't want to kiss this girl deep." "That's just trouble." "I mean, come on, you're in love with your wife, right?" "Yes." "I am, I am." "It's just she's so distant, you know?" "She's so distant sometimes, I mean..." "I mean, I know I make her distant." "I get it, it's defensive." "But she's so good at it." "But you do know you're not really in love" " with Missy, right?" " Yes." "Yes, I do." "I know that." "I think I know that." "God, I am bad meat in a can, aren't I?" "Wow." "Oh my God, that feels so good." "Okay, turn over." "It's show time." "Damn, I'm surprised the rest of your organs have the blood they need to maintain." "If I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it correctly." "I know in high school I used to use my hand, but I've since matured." "So, I got a few things together while you were in the shower." " What do you mean?" " Well... we'll get the party started with this." "Oh!" " Keep it going with this." " Yeah." "Oh, you like that?" "Get some action going with this." "Ooh!" "And then I will slow you down with him." "And for the grand finale, you can let fly into this." "I love it." "One thing never changes." "You are still insane." "Shh." "Lay back, shut up, and enjoy the ride." "I mean, doesn't that then become newsworthy?" " What's your opinion, Micky?" " I don't think it's the right question." "This isn't the issue that we've elected these people to inform us on." "Exactly." "Not only that, I think there's very few of us that have the perfect handle on that side of our lives anyway." "Nobody's perfect, people make mistakes." "It's part of the human condition." "That's a good place to end "Chicago This Week."" "Please tune in next week for all that's relevant, all that's Chicago, all that's me." "Thank you, good night." "Hey." "Hey." "I was just watching you." "It's ending." " Can I come in?" " Yeah." "How was I?" "Very handsome." "Want a drink?" " You came off as so serious." " Yeah?" "Serious is good?" "That's a good thing, "serious"?" "Yeah, absolutely." " Hey." " What?" "Been out walking by myself all night... thinking about what happened at the studio." "And you came by to tell me that you're sorry and that it's a big mistake." "Is that it, Micky?" "No." "No." "Good." " Hey." " Hey." " Am I interrupting something?" " No, no." "You guys having a serious conversation?" "No, I brought some paperwork over, actually." "You're not gonna run off to the bathroom again on us," " are you, Milky?" " Micky." " I said Micky." " Listen, that thing the other night, in your bathroom, I just..." "Even if you did come up with something good," " she wouldn't remember it." " No, that's not true." "I remember everything." "Your boss beat his meat in our bathroom." "How can I possibly forget that?" " She's drunk." " I got to go." "I will never forget that." "I shouldn't be here." "Hello?" " Hey." " Hello." "Hey, Micky." "Hey, we just saw you on TV tonight." "You were really serious." "Where's Bobby?" "Bobby is with Tilda at your mother's." "I sent him there 'cause we were painting." "I didn't think it was very healthy for him." "What's this smell in the air?" "It's paint." " Smells like pot." " Oh, that smell." "That is pot." "I thought he was talking about the paint." " I know!" " You smoked pot in here?" "Yeah, Micky, I still uh..." "I got some left if you..." "you want to get stoned?" "So what, the two of you just sat around here all night smoking pot in our living room?" "No no, we were working." "We were working very hard." "Larry's crew only left at, like, half-past 10:00." "Oh my God, how'd you get that welt on your forehead?" "Which welt, this welt?" "I ran my head into a tree as a joke to Jake." "How's that a joke to Jake?" "I don't get it." "Of course, you don't get it, you're stoned." "How could you get it?" "I don't want to talk about it." "Micky, you're not pissed, are you, man?" "No worries." "Everything is under control." "We're actually ahead of schedule." "Why would I be pissed?" "I love to pay people to tear my house to shit and then rebuild it as a dope den." " You should go." " I guess that means I should go." "Yes." "Unfortunately that is exactly what it means." "Do you want to tell me what that was about?" "You're a mother." "You're a journalist." "It's the middle of the night." "You're hanging out with this stupid handyman like you're some kind of a kid." " Oh, come on, I got stoned." " What a con man!" ""Way ahead of schedule, Micky." "At this rate, I'll have her in the sack by the weekend."" "What are you talking about?" "What did you do here all night all alone with this guy?" "What did you do, make out?" "Oh, shame on you." "You want to fuck this guy, don't you?" "You do." "How long's that been going on?" "You are way off-base here." "If you want to be jealous of me and Larry having a good time, that's fine, I'll let you go with that." "But the rest of this is just over the top." " You do." "You want to fuck him." " Oh!" "I Just hope we get some kind of discount on the remodel if you do." "The place still reeks like pot." "What's going on?" "Outside of this house, what are you doing?" "What are you talking about?" "Something's going on." "I am sure of it now." "You come in here accusing me like you did last night and it could only be because that's what's going on inside your mind, because it sure as hell isn't going on inside mine." "There's nothing going on inside my mind." "There isn't." "It's very quiet." "Then why have you been so strange lately?" "I haven't been strange." "No, I haven't." "You've been strange." "You're the one..." "I'd be surprised if these smoke detectors aren't permanently crippled." "The neighbor's probably on the ground in a contact high from all the pot that was smoked in here last night." "You could have had sex with that guy and not even known about it, okay?" "Wow, am I in a good mood today." "My wife's a sicko." "How did you get those two welts on your forehead?" "I don't want to talk about it." "So, what is it?" "What's making you so damn happy?" "I opened my own massage parlor and we're doing a bang-up business." "I'm not even gonna ask what that means." " Come on, ask me." " I don't want to." "Go away." "I saw you on TV last night..." "you and Sandy." "That is a piece of ass." "She was talking to me." "It was coming right through the TV screen, the message she was sending." "Jake, do me a favor." "Don't ever, ever watch "Helter Skelter."" " I need her number." " No, fuck off." "No, it's a professional contact." "You're not getting the number." "I'll get it on my own." "Nice forehead." "Okay." "I'm gonna go out for a little walk." "Oh, is it okay that I gave Jake" "Sandy Desmond's phone number?" "No." "Why did you do that?" "Damn him." "Why'd you do that?" "He easily could have gotten it himself." "It's her work number." "She's married." "Just don't give anyone anyone's number without checking with me first, okay?" "Okay, sorry." "Hey." "Lane's leaving this weekend." "Excuse me?" "My roommate Lane, she's going out of town." "This weekend I thought we could get together, have dinner or something?" "Hey, I know you." "You're Micky Barnes." "My mother reads your column every day." "She loves it." "Your mother's a fan?" "Okay." "You wrote for the paper?" "I'm a columnist." "How'd you get all those bruises on your head?" "I smashed my head into a tree and someone slammed a door in my face." "So, what do you folks do?" "I work at the museum." "I'm studying archaeology." "We're getting married." "He just gave me this ring." "Wow, look at that." "That's great." "Good for you guys." " What do you do?" " I work at the museum as well." "That's where we met." "I came to work there straight from London." "I'm a features writer." "And I was on the city desk." "I put him under my spell within weeks of arriving in Chicago." "Is that true?" "Was it love at first sight?" "Yeah, it is true." "She was in love with me in like five minutes." "It was a slam dunk." "So not true." "It wasn't love at first sight." "It did become love, though." "Why is that?" "I'm curious, what was it that you loved about each other?" "Well, if we're being honest, I liked her tits." " Then I got to like the rest of her." " Stop it." "He was sweet, that's what it was." "He was sweet and genuine." "He was nice, and incredibly funny." "And I felt very comfortable with him." "And how was she?" "She was beautiful." "She was beautiful and she was smart." "She was ambitious and she was gutsy." "She came here all by herself from London, she didn't know anybody." "It was perfect." "Simply perfect." "I can't wait to tell my mother I met Micky Barnes." "It was nice meeting you both." "It really was." "Congratulations." "Stay nice." "Missy?" "Can I see you just for a minute?" "Yeah." "Listen, I just want to say that I'm sorry, okay?" "I'm sorry about everything, okay?" "Everything I've been doing and thinking since you got here." "I've been an ass, and I was an ass last night." "It takes two to tango, Micky." "I'm at fault too." "No, it's not." "It's selfish lust, Missy, and I have no interest in doing anything honorable by you." "I'm sorry, but that's the truth." "I'm looking out for me and my dick and nothing else." " Got it?" " So what are you saying?" "I'm saying it's over." "It's over." "It is." "No more sex talk, no more lunches, no more time alone, I can't go to your apartment." "And by the way, that roommate of yours needs to go to A.A." "That's just a little parentheses there." "I mean it, Missy, I'm trouble for you." "I'm just being honest." "I'm sorry." "I'm an asshole." "This isn't gonna happen anymore, okay?" "Is that all?" "Can I go?" "Yes." "Okay, can I get duplicates on that too, please?" "Yeah." "Thank you." "# In a private room #" "# The color all runs out #" "# I'm golden brown #" "# The smoke curls in the air #" "# And I can feel... #" "Hey." "Sorry." "I am." "I'm really sorry." "There's so much I want to say to you..." "That's great, it is." "But your apology is not accepted." "# The crowds are falling at our feet #" " # Three steps down... #" " Right now, it means nothing to me." "Absolutely nothing." "# So coming down #" "# It's like water #" "Okay, well..." "Just gonna wait out here for you to come back out and apologize for not accepting my apology." "I'm waiting." "Still waiting." "Take your time." "I understand." "I won't take it personal 'cause I know you're probably stoned." "I'll be patient." "I know you're gonna have the munchies eventually, and I'm standing in-between you and the refrigerator, so time's on my side." "You want me to bring some water in?" "I know you probably have cotton mouth." "Better flush your stuff down the toilet, honey, the police are here." "I apologized and then you didn't accept it, in case you forgot what it is I'm standing out here for." "I know the short-term memory's not real good with you right now." "Come on out." "Seriously." "Do a doobie with you?" "All right, well, I'm just gonna put some Pink Floyd on, moon the neighbors." "Want to go to the Ann Arbor Hash Bash?" "You probably don't even know what that is, 'cause you're from England and all." "They don't smoke pot in England, do they?" "I'm going down to the store to buy you a lava lamp, honey." "I'll be right back." "Stoner."