"I am so sick of that stupid bitch!" "prissy little skank!" "Why do people phone like that? holding the cell phone out and talking on speakerphone." "bitch!" "You're not that important!" "it was the worst pain in my life." "dude." ""We need you to keep playing defense." "Football?" "I twisted my ankle." "so I played through the pain." "That is not what happened." "You started crying and quit the game!" "273)}– This is a private conversation." "– Then take that shit off speakerphone!" "273)}– Is that that same kid?" "– It's that kid Kyle again." "always listening in." "We have a choice?" "the NSA?" "The government listens to everyone's phone calls and reads all our emails." "You said that." "My dad said the government keeps a database on everyone." "Who is that?" "Is that Toby?" "we're ditching school." "273)}– What?" "What'd you say?" "– Me and Toby are ditching school. and we don't have privacy anymore." "everyone is too stupid to see what this is all leading to." "273)}– Did you guys read 1984?" "– I don't think so." "but I saw the puppet show version." "We have to do something." "We need to organize a rally." "273)}– That'd be cool." "– What?" "273)}– It'd be cool." "– I know." "A big rally to tell the government to stay out of our lives!" "I'm gonna email everybody and put it up on my blog." "I seriously feel like I'm being spied on right now." "I'm sure they had a file on me." "That's why this is so important." "I'll make a video blog for my stop listening to me website." "kicking it at my school." "There's gonna be a big rally against the government." "it's top secret." "You guys gonna update your blogs too?" "I can't hear you." "Are you outside or something?" "I said I got your tweet of the address." "Put Toby back on the phone." "Start googling everyone the directions." "bro." "You gotta email Dex about the rally and see if he'll bring petition forms." "Will you please take your rally conversation somewhere else?" "hell!" "You did not just invade my privacy again!" "That is the last straw!" "hey! we might have an NSA agent at our school." "What's the NSA? the government is watching everything you do." "Always." "Kyle?" "The government watches everything we do?" "Government." "Butters." "I just wanna say thanks for watching over me and doing everything you do." "Craig and Token." "And even Eric Cartman." "but please watch over him too." "Government." "President Obama for making me feel so safe and looked after." "I'd really like to get a puppy for Christmas this year." "Government!" "this time!" "they're tracking me." "We'll have to put off the rally." "273)}– They're spying on you?" "– Right here." ""You might also be interested in the Blu-ray for Star Trek." "I'm totally interested!" "unless they're keeping tabs on me?" "This is war." "Forget the rally." "273)}– We have to go hardcore." "– Like what? and I'll put their secrets up on Twitter." "Don't do that." "and..." "Hang on a second." "I think we have a Nosey Nancy in the room." "My Twitter account might be compromised." "I'll need something better." "That new thing where you don't need to type." "They have something better?" "You haven't seen the Alec Baldwin commercial?" "What Alec Baldwin commercial?" "I'm Alec Baldwin." "And I love social media." "I accidentally tweet things that are homophobic." "I just type that way." "it wasn't me that was homophobic." "and they needed to be gotten rid of. but I know Americans still want to hear everything I have to say. and send them directly to the Internet." "It's called Shitter." "Wires are grafted harmlessly into your skull." "Any thought is uploaded to the Internet and on to all your Shitter followers." "I'm at a Yankees game right now." "God I love baseball." "People who take their cats on planes should be shot." "I'm at a really great musical right now." "I had sex with the queen of Monaco." "I had my entire fist up her ass." "Don't let your social media slow down your need to communicate with the world." "Go direct from thought to Internet with Shitter." "Just finished my Shitter commercial." "Time to go find a pussy sandwich." "Wassup everybody?" "I'm about ready to go to the NSA undercover and try and expose some of their secrets." "Wait!" "I gotta be careful." "Kyle is here." "I'm sure he's trying to listen in." "What the hell?" "This broadcast is for my Shitter followers only." "What's that?" "The government's able to monitor our emails and Twitter accounts." "and then to everyone else on Shitter." "I'll broadcast everything to my followers." "You're okay with everything you think going up on the Internet?" "Because they won't respect my privacy!" "273)}– How many people are on Shitter?" "– Just two so far." "Me and Alec Baldwin." "I'm about to sit down and eat a sandwich at this amazing deli run by two fags." "lol." "I fucked Kim Basinger." "wink emoji." "Oh my God." "Oh my God they saw me." "And they're gonna be so angry." "Maybe they didn't see me!" "they see everything." "really bad." "273)}– Next!" "– Oh God! then admit it to your protector so you can have forgiveness." "Are these people nice?" "DMV people?" "There the meanest people on planet Earth." "Oh geez." "Oh God!" "Here we go." "I yelled at a midget." "and this little person was singing." "Her name was Pink. you f-ing midget!" "And I was at Barnes and Nobles with my mom." "i saw Jennifer Lawrence in a magazine." "I cut the picture out of the magazine while no one was looking. and I cut her mouth out with scissors." "Then I put my wiener through the hole." "I have no idea why! sang My Country Tis Of Thee 100 times and watched America's Got Talent twice!" "What else can i do?" "Why not a thousand Living in Americas?" "I will!" "Thank you!" "I will!" "I feel so much better already! sir?" "– I'm here to apply for the NSA job." "Your name?" "Bill Clinton." "I don't see you on the list." "but they're expecting me." "be sure to look up Jennifer Love Hewitt." "She can make a pussy sandwich that'll give those fags a run for their money." "sir." "I am extremely qualified and very eager to work." "I borrowed my brother's dick to fuck Daryl Hannah." "I was sure the appointment was today." "That's quite all right." "The NSA needs all the help it can get." "I'll show you around." "See if you're fit for the job." "Hello." "We're going through the neighborhood and see if you like to know the truth." "Sure I love the truth!" "We from the Jehovah's witness." "We Kingdom Hall Jehovah Witness." "that many people interpret the Bible it wrong." "What's a Jehovah's witness?" "we believe the truth." "I was like you." "I know not what to believe." "Then I let my provider Jehovah into my heart." "My goodness!" "Your little cartoon has a girl on fire!" "like the little girl in the fire." "You shouldn't be handing out drawings like this." "Don't you know the government is watching you?" "The government watching me?" "273)}– Whazze?" "– The government watching us." "273)}– Right now?" "– How long they been watching us?" "Can I ask you something?" "When was the last time you went to your local DMV?" "I no go DMV." "I don't have car." "You can walk there." "you gotta go to the DMV." "It's incredible. showing people pictures of little girls with their heads on fire." "You know what I've learned?" "That just going to the DMV and letting go of all my wrong doings filled me with a joy I had felt nowhere else." "Would you like to read some DMV literature?" "This'll tell you what you need to know about the DMV." "But just go." "Everyone there is really nice." "and it wants you to be happy." "Have a nice day!" "Bill." "Welcome to the NSA main office." "So this is where the government checks up on its citizens." "There's a lot of people working here." "People who just want to keep America safe." "Twitter accounts and surveilling all those phone calls can take a lot of manpower." "Joe." "– What'chyou got?" "Got a 24-year-old male in Albuquerque." "He emailed his wife and asked if she could go to the store after work." "Then he called a fitness center." "He tweeted his friends that they should try it out." "Keep an eye on him." "Let me know if anything changes." "Will do." "It's a never-ending grind." "And there's never enough detectives to keep track of everyone." "273)}– Sergeant!" "– What have you got?" "Got a 17-year-old female down in Jacksonville." "She asked her friend if she wanted to go see the Percy Jackson movie." "Then she emailed her mom at work and asked if it was OK." "but called her husband first." "273)}– Keep an eye on all three of them." "– Will do." "we could definitely use your help." "You might wanna go check this out." "273)}– What have you got?" "– 32-year-old pizza deliveryman." "He put on his Twitter account that he hates America and wants to blow up the Lincoln memorial." "4:16 pm." "The chief asked me to join him as he went to question the suspect." "I agreed to go along." "the NSA has no idea of my secret intentions." "Lol." "the NSA!" "I should have known." "We wanna talk about your tweets." "I was just blowing smoke." "What right does the government have reading my private emails anyway?" "Haven't you heard of the constitution?" "We've also heard of the Declaration of Independence. until a plane flies into a couple towers and a little girl loses her life." "but the land must be home." "It won't be as long as folks out there wanna shove that American flag so far up your anus that you crap stars and stripes. 273)}– I can guarantee one thing." "– What's that?" "You won't care who's checking your Twitter account." "I never thought of it that way." "I fucked Jack Lemmon's makeup girl in a Porta-Potty." "Craig." "How would you like to know the truth?" "About what?" "Have you accepted the government into your heart?" "I don't think so." "we want to share experience at DMV. and a big tidal wave of a peace went over our soul and touch our heart." "I no longer had anything to hide." "Then I found peace." "Have you read any DMV literature?" "There's a lot of interesting stuff in here." "Even some quotes from president Obama." "Could you read this part out loud?" "Your local DMV is funded by your tax dollars to be efficient and proficuous." "What do you think Obama means when he says that?" "I have no idea." "We believe that he means the government loves you." "And it wants to forgive you if you just let it into your heart." "I used to be like you. because government keep a file on us." "All that live forever up in what they call the cloud. off the cloud." "in the cloud." "Did you follow all that?" "I don't really think I followed all that." "I've infiltrated the NSA and gained their trust." "I have not ascertained how they're able to keep track of everyone." "very close." "I hope I'm not found out as a whistle-blower before I'm able to expose their entire operation." "What is that voice?" "Some little faggot in my head. how do I know where to start?" "Pretty simple." "Everyone has a file. or person of interest are the ones we want to look at." "the bigger their file becomes." "Really?" "How big is my file?" "you must have a pretty big file on Eric Cartman." "All his blogs and emails have been watched." "what have we got on an Eric Cartman?" "Any files on Eric Cartman? but central computer designated him as fat and unimportant." "he's not fat and unimportant." "We need to change his status to ripped and sweet." "there's an important threat to national security!" "We need to change Eric Cartman's status." "And that's when I masturbated to Game of Thrones." "I know it was wrong to masturbate." "I know it was especially wrong to masturbate while on duty." "Why do these people keep coming here?" "But I am done forever with Game of Thrones!" "please." "brother!" "How do you feel?" "I feel really good!" "Those people over there seem like they're having fun." "I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be than at the DMV with all you wonderful people." "Let's all pledge allegiance." "273)}– I pledge allegiance..." "– To the flag!" "What the hell is going on here?" "This is the DMV!" "There will be no joy here!" "People keep showing up and telling us what they did wrong." "I'm just trying to renew my license." "How much longer I gotta wait?" "Shut up!" "and no cellphones or other things that pass time joyously!" "I'll put a stop to this." "I am telling you that you are making a huge mistake." "Eric Cartman is the NSA's worst nightmare." "Not according to the central computer." "The central computer is wrong." "You need to change his status!" "we can't do anything." "Can't do anything?" "You're the NSA!" "There's 300 million people out there." "How do you think we keep track of every single person in this country?" "How do you think we're able to really know who's doing what?" "I'll show you." "But this is very top security stuff. our enemies would do it." "We can't let our enemies get their hands on this." "Get their hands on what?" "Dude." "This is how we know who's a threat and who's not." "and who's awake." "How we know that..." "You think I'm fat and unimportant now?" "I am Eric Cartman!" "And I've got news for you." "This is being broadcast live on my Twitter zeppelin and on Alec Baldwin's new television show via Shitter! Free Pass With Alec Baldwin." "NSA!" "you can kiss your program goodbye!" "You should have taken me down when you had the chance." "everyone knows the truth." "And everyone's gonna think I'm super cool." "what's the matter?" "Mom." "and I was a whistle-blower. but nobody cares!" "Nobody cares that the government is listening in on everything." "Nobody cares that Santa Claus is hooked up to a big horrible machine! but they're keeping us safe." "Now you just sound like everybody else!" "it's OK. and I'm gonna have to hide out in Russia!" "hon." "I do too!" "It'll be fine." "How about I make you some hot tea with lemon and codeine?" "no lemon." "hon!" "How would you like to know the truth?" "273)}– The fuck are you talking about?" "– It's time to let go." "Don't you see there's no other way?" "Just let the government into your heart." "It's too late for me." "I have to go to Russia and live with the commie dwarfs." "It's never too late." "There's a place where you can start over." "What's this?" "Your government doesn't listen in on you to punish you." "Your government just wants you to be honest about your mistakes." "I can be forgiven?" "For everything bad I've ever done? and I'm forgiven again?" "That's right." "That's pretty cool." "We've got a new member today!" "do you love your country?" "I do!" "Do you pledge allegiance to the flag?" "I pledge it!" "I pledge that fucking allegiance!" "You want us to kick them out of here?" "Leave them alone." "It's a nice change to see people happy at the DMV." "Perhaps we here at the DMV can start changing as well." "we can offer them comfort and hope. but also be told they're worth something in this world." "DMVs everywhere can become a place where people feel safe." "we can offer forgiveness." "Don't you see what this could lead to?" "Don't you see what we could become?" "The DMV was shut down today after rampant allegations of sex with young boys. it came with the territory." "Americans are being asked to confess wrong doings at their nearest post office." "We've received word the US Postal Service has been shut down due to rampant allegations of sex with young boys." "It now appears that the only people who can be trusted with confessions is your local news station." "WMZ News will be back in..." "a young boy."