"Jess, I'm not done with that." "That's $18 granola." " Handmade." " Eighteen dollars?" "You're gonna be eating two Thanksgiving meals, so starve yourselves." "Jess, I get it that your parents are divorced, but can't they have one meal together?" "Sure they can." "If they're both gagged and blindfolded." "Okay, listen up, guys." "My mom's gonna be here at 9:00 and she's staying till 2:00." "And then my dad's gonna be here at 2:30 and he's gonna stay till 7:30." "I should also warn you guys that my mom's a little perky." "Wait." "You think she's perky?" "She doesn't have my dark side." "Got that from my dad." "Nick, you're gonna love my dad so much." "He's so unhappy." "I'm not into dads." "I'm not a dad guy." "I don't like them, don't trust them." " Oh, that's her." " It's okay, man." "What's okay, man?" " Momsicle." " Oh, jujube." " Showed up looking like a Pilgrim." " Every year." " This is my mom, Joan." " Hi." " This is everybody." " Hi." "Come on over." "I wanna give y'all a big hug." " Oh, come on, big Thanksgiving hug." " Do it." "Come on, we'll do a big hug ball." " Cece, you know how." " Yep." " You in the white shirt." "Come on in." " I don't do hug balls." " Hug ball jump in." "Hug ball jump in." " Okay." " You gotta jump in." "Whoo!" " All right." "Oh, dear God." " A hug ball." " Dad." " Oh, hello, Bob." " You're early." "You know what I'm thankful for today?" "Divorce." " Who's that girl?" " Who's that girl?" "It's Jess" "No, no, no." "It was my mistake." "It's my mistake." "I'll wait five hours and come back when Joan's shift is up." "Bob, just stay." "What if we need something ruined?" " Mom." " It's all right." "I'll spend my holiday at a coffee shop, sitting around with people who have nothing better to do on Thanksgiving than work on their screenplay." "I probably won't wanna blow my head off." "Bob, we are both grown-ups." "We can make it through one day together." "Please, Dad?" " Well done, Jessica Day." " Pardon?" ""My mom's coming at 9 a.m. And my dad's coming at 2:30."" "No idea what you're talking about." "The movie you made me watch a million times." " Rocky IV?" " Parent Trap." "What?" " I don't..." " Mm-hm." "Why would I do that?" "Parent Trap." "That's crazy." "Mom, Dad, help." "There's a man in the room." "He's trying to get us to eat candy." " Jess, are you okay?" " Jess?" "What's the matter?" "Are you all...?" "Oh, damn it, Jess." "That's the second time today." "Smile, Mom." "You still got it." " Jessica, what are you doing?" " I want him to see what he's missing." "You're texting your father?" "That was a long time ago, Cece." "When I was young and naive." " Just go." " Excuse me." "What's with the crappy beer?" "You hate that." "Let's just say my cousin doesn't have the most sophisticated palate." "Raised by wolf-like parents in the wilds of Minnesota." "Went to juvie for stealing the synagogue's minivan." "Been that way since we were kids." "Made my life hell." "I'm the strong kind of fat." "Ha-ha-ha!" "Yes, yes, yes." "Tell me he's gonna sit on you when he gets here." " He's a good guy." "He's totally changed." " Okay." "Settled down with this great woman named Krista." "She's coming." "Actually went to Legoland with them last year." "He didn't pressure me to go on any rides I was uncomfortable with." " Ho!" "Ha, ha!" " Oh!" " How you doing, little buddy?" "Come here." " All right." " Aah!" " Oh!" "Okay." " Hey." " What's up, man?" "Winston." " Nice to meet you." "I'm Schmidt." " I go by Schmidt around here." "There can only be one." "You know the rules." "Oh!" "I'll give you that there." "Where's Krista?" " Krista and I have a new arrangement." " Okay." "I, uh, can sleep with whoever I want." "But she doesn't speak to me or live with me anymore." " Hey, Dad, you wanna help us?" " I have to stay away from salmonella." " You don't have to lick it, Bob." " No, no, no, my doctor said..." " It was a joke." "It was just a joke." " My doctor says any..." "I have a sense of humor." "If that was a joke, here is a pencil." "Draw me a map to the joke." "Guys, it doesn't have to be like this." "Mom, you're in a great place with your practice." "Dad, I'm sorry Katherine cheated on you but it's been months." " Jess." " I'm sorry, I thought..." "I thought..." "I..." "I thought everyone knew." "You grieved so publicly on Instagram." "All those pictures of sad trees and your lunches." "Katherine cheated?" " Yeah." " Oh, Bob, that's terrible." "I'm so sorry." " No, really, I had no idea." " Yeah, well..." " Yeah." " Oh, sorry." "Really." " Come here." "Let me just give you a..." " Salmonella." "Salmonella." " I liked her." " You did?" " No." " I didn't think so." "Hey, remember that song?" "Huh?" " Yeah." "That was a night." "Great night." " Do I remember that." " No, I'm not talking about the concert." " No, the after-party." "The after-party." "Yes." "Jess, no." "Parent trap." "Okay, admittedly, this is a little bit crazy." "But if this is gonna work, you're both helping me." " I'm out of here." " Sit down." " I'm not doing a parent trap." " They got married too young." "They got divorced too young." "I think this could make them happy." "They need us." "Here's the plan." "We're gonna make my mom look so hot, my dad can't resist her." "Your parent trap, there's no identical twins or mistaken identity?" "Not a parent trap." "It's a makeover." "Only thing you have to do is distract my dad." "A parent trap takes weeks of schedule." "You're just throwing this together." "This is a makeshift parent trap." "They don't work." " Why do you have to ruin everything?" " I've got something bad inside me." "I ruin things." " Let's do this parent trap." " Yes." "Oh, would you look at that?" "She is spectacular." " Wow!" " You know we used to date, right?" " You?" "Schmiggle?" " Schmidt." " Please." " Cece, can you please come over here and confirm our intercourse?" "Then I dumped her because I was, like, "Whatever."" " You mean when you ran away scared?" " Exactly." "You're not enough man for a woman like that." " You are?" " Damn right I am." "If you guys wanna find out who's truly the manliest, you should have a contest." " I'm listening." " Go on." "And the winner of this contest will be declared the one true Schmidt." " Yes." " It is on." " What are you doing?" "Nice." " I'm bored." "It seems like every time they wanna move a team to Los Angeles the team that's most likely to move here, the owner, Al Davis, dead." "And they talk to the Ravens and their owner, Art Modell." " Dead." " Dead." "Know what I mean?" "Who's gonna speak out for us?" "The voice of the NFL, Steve Sabol?" " Also dead." " Dead." "Exactly." " You know, it doesn't take a genius." " Always follow the money." "That's what I always say." "Follow the money." " Oil companies." " Pharmaceuticals." " Big business." "Chicken corporations." " Uh-huh." "Corn." "Yeah." "Explain to me again why we're doing this?" "Because when Cece's all washed-up as a model she wants to be a makeup artist and I wanna help her realize her dreams." "Yeah." "It's my plan B." "Okay, stop." "Seriously." "It's just too much." "The makeup and your dress?" "I wear makeup in Portland to keep the rain off my face." "So your hair just does, like, this one thing, right?" "Sorry." "I don't know if Jess has told you this but I am writing a novel." " Oh, really?" "What's it about?" " It's about zombies." " Zombies." " And it's a relationship story." "There's a great love story that could be made into a movie." " The love story is between whom?" " The zombie and Carol." "The zombie and the..." " Carol is not a zombie?" "A regular person." " A rich girl." " So it's like Twilight." " It's not like Twilight." "No, it isn't." "The vampire falls in love with a regular person." "It's the same thing." "Is there another guy in Twilight that there's a bit of a love triangle with?" " Yes." "It's the same as Twilight." " Let me..." "Does Twilight have a wolf in it?" " Yes." " It does?" " Yes." " Is Twilight in Seattle?" "Yes." "Well, then whoever wrote that is smart." "Um, listen, I know you were very young, and I'll completely forgive you." "Just tell me the truth." "Did you drive my van?" "Joan, I have told you this." "It wasn't me." "Okay, I believe you." "I know it was you." "Wow." "I look like a slutty Katie Couric." " The trap has been set." " Is it working?" "Mm-hm." "Croce makes my mom frisky." "Check it out." "Oh, hey, your mom looks great." "Really?" "Go hit on her." " What?" " My dad gets super jealous." " If you go lay some sweet game on her..." " On your mother?" " I was gonna make Schmidt do it." " I can't hit on your mother, Jess." " Hey, Mom?" "Mom." "Nick was just saying that your décolletage looks bewitching in that dress." " Right, Nick?" " Thank you." "Ahem." "I really like your de..." "Your décolletage." "Say hello to my sister-wives, Mrs. Schmidt and Mrs. Schmidt." " All right, time for delts." " Oh, yeah?" "I'm slowly regretting this." "Definition is for chicks, man." "It's all about size." " Look at the mass on this bitch." " That's stupid." " What's your calf situation?" " Wanna see some ankle circles?" "Look at that." "Some donkey raises?" "One, two..." " No, no." "Wheelbarrow." " Wheelbarrow?" "Every kid knows what a wheelbarrow is." "Put your hands on the ground." "Hands on the ground." " Hey." " Whoo!" " Turn him around." "Faster." " All right." " Come on." "Work those calves." " I can do this all day." " I got it all day, man." " I don't even think about it." "That's awesome." "Keep going." " I got it all day." " I could do this all day." " How long can you do this?" " All day!" " Yeah, I got it all day too." " Winston!" " Why are you yelling at me?" " I could do this all day." "All day, Winston." " This is great." " I'm doing it all day!" "Joan, I've gotta say, you are great at doing what you're doing." " You've got those beautiful, strong arms." " Ha, ha." "You wanna give it a try?" "Okay, just..." "Mom and Nick seem to be really getting along great." " No, no, no." " Is that good?" " You're wasting it." " Oh, sorry then." "Show me." " Mm." "Yeah." " We gotta get the whole thing." " There you go." " It is happening." "Heh-heh." "I can feel the chemistry." "I can hear it." "I sprayed all over." "Clean-up time." "Like, whoa." " Jess, what are you doing?" " Watching the game." " You're doing the Parent Trap thing." " What?" "Dad." " Yes." " I have a master's." "I'm not parent-trapping." " You're such a liar." " Seriously, I'm not..." "Okay." " You need help." " Why do I do that?" "I don't understand." "Every time." "It never works out." "Okay, I'm calling it off." "Nick?" "Every time I try to tell you The words just come out wrong" "Nick." "So I have to say I love you in a song" " Nick." " I love that." " Thanks for helping but I'm calling it off." " She's doing one of her parent traps." " Can I top you off?" " Yes, please." " What are you doing?" " I don't know, Jess." "I'm a little bit confused." "I think I'm into your mother." " What?" " I don't know how." "It happens all the time." "Don't know if it's the sweet sounds of Croce or the sweet smells of turkey..." " No, Nick." "This is not what we talked about." " I know but..." " Give me that baster." " No." "No!" "Okay, everyone." "This bird needs to go back in the oven." "Bob, I need to clean you up in the bathroom, please." "Come on." "Brand new shirt." "Do I regret it?" "Yes." "Would I do it again?" "Probably." "You don't have to do it." "You can go back to your basting." " What, you get a little jealous, Bob?" " Of that idiot?" "Are you kidding me?" " She's gotta stop doing this." " I know." " She's so stubborn." " I wonder where she got that?" "Did she ever text you some photos?" " Of you in the shower?" " Yeah." " Yeah, I got them." "Mm." " I was just wondering." "Ah, maybe I was a little jealous." "Seems to me like this thing is a draw." "I mean, you did touch a hotter pan, but he ate a much bigger candle." "I mean, you belched longer, he farted louder." "You punched a tree, he head-butted a bench." "You both bailed on the fifth testicle punch." "How much more can you take?" "I got the belts rigged up in the bedroom." "Ready to see who blacks out first?" "All right." "You know what?" "Forget it." "I give." " Yes!" "Unh!" "That's what I'm talking about." " Wow." "Yeah, but know this, all right?" "Caveman ideas about manhood are so over." "Manhood today is about exfoliation and cheese courses and emotional honesty, and Paxil." "And cutting peppers in the classic style de julienne." "Okay, you may have bested me in a competition of pre-Clinton manhood but I am Schmidt a refined and enlightened pescetarian, about 90 percent of the time." "Observe." "What are you doing?" "Don't touch the blade, it's hot." " A classic julienne." " Marine Corps Cook of the Year, 2003." "Oh!" "Ha, ha!" "And I can do the same thing to a man's arm." "Ding, ding, ding, ding." "That's the sound of round two." " Perfection." " This is a masterpiece here." " Who's hungry, right?" " I am starving." "Makes sense with you two." "Must have worked up an appetite." " What?" " Time!" "Look at that plating." "It's like Picasso." "Nice squeeze-bottle work, Bobby Flay." " Okay, he is still relevant." " Where?" "Phoenix?" "Come on, we are getting hungry." "Why don't you stay here?" "I'll sleep on the couch." " What are you saying?" " Nothing happened." "What are you saying?" "What are you saying?" " I'm with you." " You shouldn't be saying anything." " I don't know anything." " You don't have information about anything." " Nothing." "The answer is nothing." " Happened." " What?" " Answer a question." "Which plating is more masculine?" "Do you guys wanna know what the ultimate test is?" "Being secure in your masculinity." " How?" " I'm super-secure." "You kiss a man." " Ha." "Yeah." " If you wanna be the one true Schmidt, I mean." " No." "Yeah." "I'll kiss a man." "Yeah." " I'll kiss a man." "Winston?" "You know, he'd do." " Winston?" " I could go for stuffing right now." "Am I right?" " Yeah, yeah." " Yeah, right?" "I'll kiss Winston." "I'll kiss Winston all day." " I'll kiss Winston's mouth all day." " Let's do it." "All day I'll kiss Winston." " Is everybody else really hot too?" " Oh, wow." " Hey." " Thank you." " Manly." " Beautiful." "Hey, Winston." "Uh, I got you this." "It's an after-dinner mint for after dinner." " Oh, thanks, man." " Just make sure you take it." "What are we having, turkey sushi?" "What is this?" "I'm gonna make a toast." "Parent Trap is just a movie." "And real relationships are not like that, they're more complicated than that." " And they're not even real twins." " Twins." "Yes." "I'm thankful for twins." "They're like sisters but they do it and they like to have sex." " Schmidts." " What?" " What?" " In conclusion ahem, I wanna say what I'm thankful for." "Family." "They said it couldn't be done." "They said, "You're crazy, Jess."" "I am so thankful today that I proved them wrong." " Honey, what are you saying?" " We saw you guys doing it in the bathroom." " No." " We saw you guys in the bathroom." "It was the greatest day of my entire life." "There was so much love there." " And sex." "There's a sex energy too, Jess." " And sex." "You lit this place on fire, you two animals." " It was just a kiss." " It was a great kiss." "A hookup." "It meant nothing." " If Joanie's up for grabs, I volunteer." " I volunteer too." " I volunteered first." "You can't volunteer after." " I'm in the game." " You just wanted me for my body." " Yep." "And I'm fine with that." "Joanie, what if it was like that?" "You guys had a spark." "You connected." " Let's get natural." " If you got together today it would be different." "I think you could make each other happy." " I'm serious." "No." "What?" " Jess, you gotta let it go." "No, I'm not letting it go." "You have to admit they're never gonna make it work." " And you scratched my van." " Mom, she didn't mean to scratch your van." "Ah!" "I knew it." "I knew it." "Didn't I tell you?" "I knew it." "But the reason I was in your van is because your little jujube was high as a kite." " Oh, my God." " Honey, are you an addict?" "It was a brownie." "I wasn't allowed to eat chocolate." "Are you living with drug dealers?" "When can we start eating?" "What are you doing?" "Are you selling your body to pay for the rent?" " I don't sell my body for rent." "No." " A women living with three guys..." "When can we start eating?" "...It's off." "It's off." "Shut up, everybody!" "I just wanna be a family." "Jess, you have a family." "Your father and I are not getting back together." "Never." "Jess?" " Honey?" " Where are you going?" "Jess." "The turkey." "Jess?" "Honey?" "Can I come in?" "Or do you have your dad hiding in the closet, waiting to make out with me?" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I ruined the whole day and it could have been really nice but it wasn't because I tried to shove a turkey down a garbage disposal." "I just..." "I thought maybe you guys could make each other happy." "We're actually happier apart." "Maybe I'm just worried that since you guys are alone, that means that I have to end up alone." "You're not gonna be alone." "Even if you were, you could always move in with me." "We could get a condo in Miami and start solving crimes together." "You have to lighten up, Jess." "It's just life." "Yeah." "You know what?" "We could definitely Grey Gardens the crap out of a condo in Miami." " Heh-heh." " Can't wait to eat cat food with you." " Rawrr!" "I'm okay." "Don't worry about me." " And so is your dad." " Okay." "Are we doing this or not?" "I'm going in." "Mm-mm." " What's up, bro?" " What's up?" "Nope." "Face smells like a dude's face." "Not for me." "All right." "Ahem." "Watch how a real man does it." "Hey, Winston." " What's up?" " Yeah." " I know, right?" " Yeah." "Heh-heh-heh." "Hmm." "I can't do it." "Okay." "Well, then it's off." "Game over." "No." "No way." "Winston." "All day!" " Whoa, whoa!" " Whoo!" "I did it!" "I'm the one true Schmidt!" " You got it, man." "You can be Schmidt." " Not on Thanksgiving!" "Whoo!" "I kissed a dude." "Oh, I miss Krista." "You know, she had a little mustache too." "I know she did." "You okay, Schmidt?" "Yes, I am." "Schmidt." "Happy Thanksgiving." " Give me a hug." "I love you, sweetie." " Love you." " Love you, sweetheart." " Love you, Mom." "Love you, sweetheart." "Joan, I just wanna say that I'm really happy that, you know we got past all that." " Come here, Cece." "Give my little girl drugs again, I will end you." " Bye, everybody." " And no more parent traps." " Yeah, we're done with those." " Been there, trapped that." " Bye." " Love you guys." "Bye." "I won't tell her if you don't." "Tell her about what?" "So I'll have to say I love you In a song"