"May I help you?" "I hope so." "I'm looking for a one-eyed elephant named Bruno." " You must be Capitaine Defense." " Yes." "Hey, I am Marcello." "Welcome to Barcelona." "Oh, we are so glad to have you here." "A Belgian spy is just what we need to complete our little international alliance." " Alliance?" " Oh, you will love this assignment." "Believe me, it's every spy's dream." " But come, we must meet the others." " The others?" "Others, what others?" "Well, the European Allies are working here together as a team." "We have the very best agents in the intelligence community, a very "crack squad," as the British might say." "I am, of course, Italiano, and a master of disguise." "I used to be a tailor." "Then there is Charles, a Frenchman, who used to be a tax inspector." "And Cunningham, the Englishman, in peacetime he wrote novels and thrillers, and now in wartime he is acting them out, which he will like a little bit, I'm sure." "Now, over there, Captain, you see the German espionage community." "They're here in the same café?" "But of course, otherwise we spend all the day following each other around." "Right." " So, if we're here..." " Exactly." "We can all watch Juanita." "What we are doing, Capitaine, is critical to the war effort." "Right." "Right." " You see, Spain is neutral." " Right, neutral." "The Germans, naturalmente, want her to come in on their side." "While we are determined that she comes in on ours." "It all depends on the King." "Whose wife, of course, was a favorite of your Queen Victoria's." "And therefore, on our side." " But his father is a German." " So, she supports the Germans." "You see that chap over there?" "He's the head of the German team and as tricky a customer as you would wish for." "Every day, Colonel Schmidt's influence in Spain grows and grows." "It's huge." "Our job..." "Is to put a spike in the bastard's wheel." "Right." "So, how can I help?" "Get yourself a disguise, naturalmente." "A disguise?" "A job." "Just don't let them know you're a spy." "A job?" "A job of work." "Do you know anybody in Barcelona who might be able to give you a job?" "And, of course, he must be somebody you trust completamente." "Excuse me, could you tell me where I could find Mr. Picasso?" "Right over there, señor." " Mr. Picasso?" " Yes." "You probably don't remember, but about 10 years ago in Paris, when you had a falling out with Degas, an American kid forged one of your paintings..." "And another American kid sold it for me." "Ah, yes, I remember very well." "I needed the money to pay for a party." " Don't tell me you're..." " Yep!" "Norman, it's good to see you again." "How is the painting coming along, huh?" "No, Norman Rockwell was the other kid." "I'm Indiana Jones." "Ah, well, we can't all be talented." "Ah, poor old Degas, who thinks of him now?" "It is all Picasso, Picasso." "Well, I just wondered if you wanted any help with..." "You think Picasso wants help with painting?" "You think any painter just walks in off the street to paint like Picasso paints?" "No, I meant with the scenery." "Just..." "All right." "Hold on." "You want job, huh?" "Come with me." "I have got a better idea." "But Mr. Diaghilev..." "I thought I could make a revolution in art with movement and music and color, but with a performance such as yours, these weapons turn to dust in my hand!" " Mr. Diaghilev..." " The old order triumphs, all because you cannot stand still." "Hi, Sergei, I have new dancer for you." " What?" " Dancer?" "I never want to see another dancer." " I'm not a dancer." " Ah, then you're hired." "Hey, look..." "I need someone who knows how to stand still." "Drop your trousers." "Now, listen..." "I wish to look at your legs." "You want a job, don't you?" "Well?" "Very well, I will make you a eunuch." "A eunuch?" "In this, who could resist?" "Spain sells France the mules to haul the guns around the Western Front, see?" "So, if the German agents poison the mules, the French will accuse the Spanish of selling them sick animals, and therefore, will refuse to form an alliance with them." "And the Germans will be delighted." "But what a rotten trick." "Charles, this is war." "We've got to be rotten." "We can't beat the Germans by behaving like English gentlemen." "Oh, if only we could." "A haircut, please, barber." "I think the señor would prefer a shave today?" "The razor is extremely sharp this morning." "Oh, yes." "Yes, I meant I want a shave." "I have stropped the razor 54 times, señor." "Then I expect it will be sharp." "Ah, Captain, perfect timing." "Did you get a good job, Capitaine?" "I only got the worst job in the world." "Can you believe some crazy Russian tried to make me a eunuch in a ballet?" "Señor Diaghilev?" "He offered you a job in the Ballet Russes?" "And you turned it down?" "Well, of course." "Well, can you see me tripping about on a stage like the sugarplum fairy?" "The Ballet Russes is not that kind of a show, Capitaine." "Absolutely not." "When they perform Sheherazade, they have men and women actually making love on the stage." "It's disgusting, you don't know where to look." "Well, that's great, but I..." "And when they do a thing called The Rite of Spring, they have people fighting in the aisles." "This does not happen in Swan Lake, Capitaine." "That's fine." "But I'm..." "I've heard say that Colonel Schmidt himself has fallen in love with one of the dancers." "There is no better cover for a spy in Spain in this momento." " Well, sure, but I'm not..." " Capitaine." "I think you should regard this" " as top military priorité." " Top." "Anyway, you got nice legs." "Igor, to the left." "Igor." "To the left, Igor." "He's talking to you." "My name is Indiana Jones, Mr. Diaghilev." "Don't be silly." "That's not a Russian name." "Neither am I." "Everybody in my ballet company is Russian, Igor." "He has English Russians." "Italian Russians." "Et French Russians." "You think I can afford to bring Russian Russians all the way from Russia?" "Mr. Diaghilev, it's a Russian Ballet company." "Igor, just move to the left!" "Indiana, you were born to be a eunuch." "Come, meet my fiancée, Olga." "Hi, there." "How do you like my costume, Indy?" " That's a costume?" " Of course." "What do you expect when you hire Picasso?" "Stravinsky revolutionizes the music, Nijinsky revolutionizes the dance," "I revolutionize the look!" "Nadia, let me introduce you to the young man you were whispering to just now." "Indy, Miss Kamenevsky." "The man with too many names." "Delighted to meet you, Igor." "Miss Kamenevsky, you are as beautiful as ever." "And so are you, Colonel Schmidt." "Señor Picasso, when we have won the war, and I will have to advise Berlin which artist Germany shall favor," "I regret to say you will not be among them." "I suppose it gives you some kind of perverse pleasure to wear this kind of thing, young man?" "I think you were looking for the house manager, Colonel Schmidt." "Of course, the box he's offered the embassy is an insult to the entire German race." "They're going to be so crowded in there." "Box office is this way." "There, look." "One o'clock on the starboard." "Can you make out the number?" "Eight, and I think it's a three." "Seven." "87." "Haven't spotted that one before." "Bit of luck." "Is it really that important, writing down the numbers of German U-boats?" "It's absolutely vital, and terribly interesting, don't you think?" "I have a collection of 69 U-boat numbers, not including duplicate sightings." "Wow, that's really impressive." "Just solid, unrelenting work." "Any champagne left there, old chap?" "Just a drop, no more." "No." "So, you successfully infiltrated the old tutu brigade, eh?" "And identified Colonel Schmidt's girlfriend." "Nadia Kamenevsky, just a dancer, I'm afraid." "I was rather hoping he'd be lusting after something more embarrassing." "You mean, you wished he'd make eyes at the Queen or something." "Exactly, or a duchess at least." "Endless possibilities for diplomatic incidents there." "Hey, what if we helped Colonel Schmidt find himself a duchess?" "Captain, that is exactly the kind of dirty trick we've been looking for for months." "No, no, no, no." "We must have more passion." "This is supposed to be an orgy of harem women, not a conference of certified accountants." "Smolder, Miss Kamenevsky, smolder." "Pretend you're stroking Colonel Schmidt's bristles." "Sorry, ma'am." "I didn't hear you." "I just came..." "Ma'am?" "Hello?" "Ma'am?" "Igor, what are you doing here?" "I couldn't help myself, Nadia." "What do you mean?" "I just had to talk to you." "Oh, I see." "What about?" "The ballet." "The ballet, you know, the ballet that we're in." "Yes, indeed." "It's called Sheherazade." "Right." "Right." "Well, you see, my part," "I'm not really sure how to give it depth." "Resonant, real, real feeling." "Igor, all you have to do is hold a scimitar." "True, true, true." "Yes, that's exactly true, but I wanted to hold it with resonance." "I think I could show you." "Did you want to take me to lunch so I can tell you about resonance?" "That would be perfect." "What about tomorrow?" "Café Oporto?" "12:30?" "That would be great." "Perfect." "And, Nadia, thank you." "An entire love letter from Colonel Schmidt to Nadia Kamenevsky." ""Nadia, my dearest," ""from your very own adoring Prussian..." Oh, terrific." ""Your voluptuousness overwhelms me every time we kiss."" " This is just what we want." " But it's so far below the belt." "Marcello is the finest copier in all of Spain." "Only this time, I copy Consuela instead of Nadia." "But is it right to blacken that poor woman's name?" "After all, she is the Contessa of Toledo." "Precisely." "And if the Count of Toledo thinks his wife is making love to a German, the Kaiser's court in Spain is absolutely done for." "And the Count is, how you say in English, a semi-psychotic, paranoid introvert." "An exceptionally jealous blighter." "But do you think the letter alone will convince him?" "Absolutely." "The letter's just a start." "As soon as Marcello's finished tracing, he's going upstairs to have his hair cut." "Oh, no." "Cunningham, I refuse to go to the barber's." "Marcello?" "No, no, my hair, she's only just grown back from last time." "Pull yourself together." "The women, they recoil for weeks afterwards." "This is war." "You must have your hair cut." "I hope you like paella." "I have ordered special paella for two." "It's one of my favorite dishes." "That's very fortunate, Igor." "Paella is my favorite dish, too." "I like the element of surprise." "You never know what you will find." "Well." "See, I was telling the truth." "Wasn't I?" "I do like paella." "Do you always tell the truth, Igor?" "Always." "Then what were you doing with Colonel Schmidt's letter just now?" "I was putting it back, so you wouldn't know that I'd read it." "You wicked man." "You stole Colonel Schmidt's love letter." "I couldn't help myself, Nadia." "I just had to know what he'd been saying to you." "Indy, you're jealous of Colonel Schmidt." "Nadia, the man is not fit to do up your ballet pumps." "Every time I see the two of you together," "I have to hold myself back to just keep from hitting him." "Oh, don't be cruel to the poor Colonel." "He's quite harmless, really." "But what can you possibly see in him?" "Oh, roses, champagne, expensive dinners." "If it gives an elderly German officer pleasure to give them to me, who could possibly object?" " Well, for starters..." " Don't let's talk about him." "Let's talk about you." "I want to discover everything there is to know about you." "Excuse me, Contessa." "But is that the residence of the Marquis of Segovia?" "No, this is the residence of the Duke of Almeda." "The Marquis lives much nearer the sea." "Thank you, señora." "You've saved me an unnecessary journey." "I appreciate your..." "Contessa." "He's just dropping her off." "The car will soon be on its way to the Governor's palace to get the Count." "We have 12 minutes." "I think you were in my way." "You priests are everywhere, sucking the lifeblood..." "Put him down, you ruffian." "At once." "Ah, lickspittle!" "Toadying to the rich." "Come to help your pal the priest, eh?" "Stop!" "Put him down, now!" "Thank you, my son." "Are you all right, Father?" "These anarchists have no respect for God or country." " Would you care for a glass of wine?" " Thank you, Father, but now I have to collect the Count of Toledo from the Governor's palace." "Then you are on an important mission." " God bless you, my son." " Goodbye, Father." "Help!" "Hey, hey!" "Capitaine, I think we handled that rather neatly." "Didn't we?" "Capitaine?" "Capitaine." "Capitaine." "Sorry to be a moment or two late, Your Honor." "I had to rescue a priest from a mob of anarchists." "That's no excuse for poor timekeeping, Julio." "We must hurry and pick up the Contessa in order to get to the ballet by 8:00." "That's my wife." "Have you seen any men with my wife recently, Julio?" "Well, Your Excellency, now you mention it..." "Look around, Julio." "If you see the gentleman in question, let me know." "Leave the costume alone, Delfina." "It's perfectly all right." "Igor, you swine." "Delfina, he hasn't traced my name, he's filled in someone else's." ""Consuela"?" "Consuela." "That's the Countess of Toledo." "She and the Count will appear tonight in this very theater." "And so will the Colonel." "We have to warn him at once." "Your Excellency, that looks very like the man over there." "The German cultural attaché?" "Two minutes, Miss Kamenevsky." "Delfina, you must take the note to the Colonel." "He's in box A1." "Box A1." "And, Delfina, hurry." "It's vital." "Box A..." "A1." "Hi, Delfina." "Hi, Nadia." ""My darling, be on your guard." ""They are trying to make the Count of Toledo believe" ""you're making love to the Countess."" "Delfina." "Igor, you're on now!" "Come on." "Now, you're sure you understand what to do?" "Yes, señor." "To the Countess, I say the cards are from the Colonel, and to the Colonel, I say they are from the Countess." "And there must be no mistake." "Only if it goes without a hitch will you get your money." "Of course, señor." "What can go wrong?" "What indeed, Manuel?" "It's from the Countess of Toledo, sir." "She's in Box 8." ""The Spanish need some real music." ""Would the German embassy be able to arrange" ""for one of Wagner's great operas to be performed here?"" "Good Lord." "What a splendid suggestion." "What an intelligent woman." "This is what he sent back, sir." "Perfecto, listen to this." ""Your idea is inspired." ""Barcelona will ring to wonderful music."" "Add "our" before "wonderful."" "That way." "The Contessa's reply, señor." ""Could you also arrange for a visit" ""by the heavenly bell ringers of Bad Godesberg?"" "This passes belief." "Delfina." "No." "An urgent message for you, sir." ""They are trying to make the Count of Toledo believe that" ""you are making love to the Countess."" "How wonderful." "Do you think he'll be convinced?" "Go on." "I say, look at Igor." "He's flashing his codpiece." "And it's in Morse code." "And this is the person I hired to stand still?" ""Nadia..."" ""Is..."" ""On to..."" " "Us."" " Exclamation point." "Up." "Go up." "Go up." ""Stop..."" " "The..." - "Old..."" ""Woman."" "Double exclamation point." "What old woman?" "That old woman." " There she is." "Stop her!" " Old woman, stop!" "Stop!" "An urgent message for you, sir." "Count." "Contessa." "Colonel Schmidt at your service." "Contessa, your love of German culture has inspired me." "Let me assure you, I will stop at nothing to gratify your desire to know more of the artistic riches of the Fatherland." "Artistic riches?" "Your Excellency, your wife has made certain demands of me of a cultural nature." "I can promise you, sir, it will give me enormous pleasure to satisfy them." "And what's more, I will tell everyone in Barcelona that the idea was hers and hers alone." "Name your second, sir." " What?" " A duel, sir." "At dawn tomorrow." "Pistols, I assume." "You have something against Wagner, Count?" "You are not fond of German bell ringing?" "The Germans are a race of swine, of whom you are a perfect representative." "Very well, Count." "If that is your view, these gentlemen will act as my seconds." "Pistols will be perfectly in order." "I look forward to seeing you at dawn." "Colonel!" "Well, Count, the old bull ring, I understand, is traditional in these encounters." "You are well-informed." "The sand, you see, soaks up the blood." " Well?" " I've got her safe." " Oh, where?" " But you know what's happened?" "The Count has challenged Colonel Schmidt to a duel." "Good Lord!" " What if someone gets killed?" " Perfect." " What?" " If Schmidt kills the Count, the Germans will be persona non grata in Spain for months to come." "And if the Count kills Schmidt, the Germans lose their top spy." "But what if they kill each other?" "Then I'll personally buy us all a magnum of champagne." "Capitaine, I must congratulate you." "Your first espionage assignment in Spain is rapidly approaching a triumphant conclusion." " Great." " Just make sure the girl is safe until after dawn tomorrow morning." "And everything will be hunky-dory." "I'm way ahead of you." "Hey, Nadia." "Look, I'm sorry about all this, but I had to, you know?" "Here we go." "Look, I got something to eat." "You promise not to yell if I take the gag off?" "All right, you promised." "You are a complete, bungling idiotic fool, just about to ruin one of the most carefully planned espionage operations of the war." "Here, eat this, you'll feel better." "I won't feel better until I've seen you drummed out of the espionage corps." "Do you realize who Schmidt is?" "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do." "He's the head of the German spy network in Spain." "Oh, idiot." "He's the most valuable double agent" "American intelligence has ever recruited." "American intelligence?" "Well, how come nobody told us?" "You want it published in a newsletter?" "There was no need for you to know." "So, what do you Russians have to do with all this?" "Oh, you nincompoop, I'm no more Russian than you are." "I'm his American contact." "Why do you think we pretended to be lovers?" " Well, you could be just saying this." " Yes, I could, but I'm not!" "Now, untie me at once!" "I'll need to discuss it with my friends first." "Untie me!" "Not until I talk to my friends." "Then take me with you." "All right." "Good morning, Ludwig." "The dawn of an exciting day." "Your chance to die for the honor of Germany." "Wonderful." "I can't wait." "Do we really have to put the gag back on?" "No, but I'm tired of her calling me a bumbling French bureaucrat." "And we need to time to think, huh?" "Don't you believe her?" "Well, it sounds plausible." "Look, I'm terribly sorry, madam, but we've all signaled our headquarters." "We simply have to then wait for their reply." "Madam, we owe you and Colonel Schmidt an apology." "You'll have to deliver his to the cemetery, you toffee-nosed bozo!" "You have 35 minutes before the Count of Toledo starts giving him a lead breakfast." "Madam, you may rely on us to prevent this misfortune from occurring." "I think I know why no one has ever attempted to have an affair with the Countess before." "Very well, gentlemen." "Shall we go and shoot ourselves a German?" "If the Colonel is really an American agent, why doesn't he just refuse to fight?" "And entirely destroy his credibility with the Germans?" "No, no, the poor devil's got no option but to shoot it out in the bull ring." "Perhaps we could substitute blank ammunition for the real bullets." "Really?" "Or we could waylay his seconds on the way to the duel." "No, no, no." "Rather, wait until they reach the bull ring, then sneak into the pens and release the bulls." "Gentlemen, I hate to disturb these entertaining fantasies," " but there's only one thing we can do." " What do you have in mind?" "We've got to tell the truth." "Surely not." "We have to tell the Count that his wife has not been having an affair, that he's been tricked into fighting the Colonel, and that he can call the duel off with his honor unsmirched." "But will he believe us?" "He will when we show him the letter you stole." "Of course, he'll be able to see for himself that his wife's name has been substituted for this young lady's." "So, give me the letter, Igor." "Well, I guess I left it back at the theater." "Military intelligence." "It's a contradiction in terms!" " Hey, open up!" " Open up." "Open up quickly!" "We just forgot something." "Stand still, all of you." "Where did you last see it?" " It was there." " Here?" "I put it down here on the edge." "Who collects the rubbish?" "The caretaker!" "What does he do with the rubbish when he's collected it?" "You idiots!" " Stop!" " What?" "Thank goodness." "What did she do?" "This is Dr. Borges." "To attend to the wounded?" "To provide the death certificate, Colonel Schmidt." "It is my duty to ask you, gentlemen, can this matter be resolved without bloodshed?" "Will either party be satisfied with an apology?" "Very well." "If you would stand back to back..." "Like so." "Each take ten paces." "At the end of ten paces, turn and fire at will." "One." "Two." "Three." "Four." "Five." "Six." "Seven." "Eight." "Nine." "Ten." "Wait!" "Wait!" "Don't shoot!" "Gentlemen, drop these guns." "You have nothing to fight about." "It's a hoax." "Read this." "I had intended to celebrate your demise with this, Colonel Schmidt." "Instead, let us drink to Germany." "To Germany." "May she triumph over her enemies." "You may think we're right back where we started, but the crucial thing is, it was a jolly good effort." "What's up?" "This better be good." "I cannot talk to you here." "Go back to headquarters, Cunningham will fill you in." "Marcello said you wanted to see me." "It was urgent." " Good news." " Yes." " Good news." " What is it?" "We sent such a glowing report of your performance here to French intelligence headquarters, you've been reassigned." " Reassigned?" " A prize mission, I'd say." " Working with one of France's most..." " Unique?" "...unique intelligence officers." " Yes, unique is the word." "Unique." " Well, who?" " Colonel Clouseau." "Colonel Clouseau?" "Oh, yes, you'll learn a great deal from him." "I think, I think." "Yes, it'll be a once in a lifetime experience." "I imagine." "I Imagine." "But you must hurry." "You have to be in Amsterdam by Tuesday evening to meet your contact." " Who?" "What?" "When?" " Berenstraat Square." "Light a match and a blind man will tell you how to meet Colonel Clouseau." "Goodbye." "Vtg"