"It's not that big of a deal." "Whit, come on." "It's weird for you to have lunch with your ex that you haven't seen in five years--admit it." "He probably just wants to be friends with me." "Why?" "What do you mean, "Why?"" "Because you're not that friendly." " Oh, hello." " Hey." "Shalom, shalom." "Will you please tell Whitney that seeing her ex-boyfriend is a bad idea?" "Oh, that guy's allowed to have visitors now?" "No, this is a different ex-boyfriend." "His name is Nate." "Nate?" "My Nate?" " You know this guy?" " Do I... know him?" "Nate?" "I lived with Whit when they were together." "I mean, Nate and I were basically inseparable for two years." "He and Whitney were dating, but we had a-- you know what, I'm not gonna tell you the details because they're private." "But..." "We were soul mates." "Anyway," "I can't believe he wants to see us." "Wait, was Nate the psycho?" "I mean, the most psycho of the psychos?" "The guy who wanted you to be shorter?" "No, he just wanted her to get breast implants." "Whit, this guy sounds terrible." "Although he does make two valid points." "He did not mean any of it." "He was drunk the entire time." "Oh, then never mind." "He's awesome." "Alex is just trying to look out for us." "Seeing Nate could really mess with our heads." "I know that he was terrible for me, but he's two years sober now." "He's on his eighth step of aa, and he wants to make amends to me for all the bad stuff that he did." "That's good." "I'm gonna use that." "Well, how much did he used to drink?" "It was bad." "He would have, like, four drinks a night." "Is, uh-- is that a lot?" "Nate couldn't really go a day without drinking." "And some days he would even start drinking at, like, 3:00." "Okay, okay." "You guys, come on, that-- that's not so bad." "I mean, who wants to look at a sunset when they're sober?" "R.J., can I get a tequila shot?" " Coming right up." " Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Wait a minute." "How was your day, peanut?" "Um, I waited forever for the El." "I missed my meeting." "Actually, the whole day was a disaster." "Roxanne will not be having tequila." "Bring her a glass of red wine." "Mark, I need a tequila." "The best thing for you, after a stressful day, is a glass of red wine." "And you need to stop drinking tequila." "It makes you very emotional and develop superhuman strength." "It does?" "And when you drink beer, you try to have sex with me." "I do?" "I don't care." "It's flattering." "Mark's right, you are..." "really strong." " Whit, I" " Okay, it's not like" "I'm gonna see him all the time." "I just want him to apologize." "He did some really twisted things." "Hey, do you know how embarrassing it is to tell people that my web site is whitnaaaycummings.net?" "I promise this is legit." "I'll just hear what he has to say, and I'll never talk to him again." "I already said no." "Oh, I thought that was just because our friends were there." "From what I've heard about this guy, the answer's no." "He seems to have some sort of weird hold on you." "That's just because he's like my dad mixed with my mom mixed with my other dads." "But it was not true love, okay?" "It was just this intense chemical, sexual, obsessive thing." "It was nothing like what you and I have." "Sure like how I was with Carly." "Why would you say that?" "Now you know how it feels." "But I'm a jealous person." "You don't get jealous or show any kind of emotion unless you're playing magical football." "It's fantasy football." "I really think that forgiving him would give me closure." "I have been carrying so much anger for so long, and I think that doing this would really help me finally let it go-- please?" " Can't he just email you?" " It has to be in person." " Skype?" " Oh, and have nine chins?" "All right, look, I don't get this whole deal, but, you know, it seems to be important to you, so go ahead." "Thank you." "But I don't trust this guy, so it's gotta be on my terms, all right?" "It's gonna be at low bar, and I'm not leaving your side." "I'm gonna be watching him like an eagle." "Isn't it Hawk?" "No." "That's what he'll be expecting." "This is so weird." "I've never met the guy, but I am compelled to look cute." "Oh, wait till you actually meet him." "He is super hot." "Okay, everybody calm down." "What am I doing?" "Hey, can I get a white wine?" "Sorry, too much sugar." "You had yogurt this morning." "You're already dehydrated." "You're gonna get one of your migraines." "Get her a vodka and powerade." "Okay." "But I just want to go on record and say that you two are terrible at flirting." " Oh, God, there he is." " Where?" " Over there." " Where is he?" "Two o'clock." "Do you have a different two o'clock than I do?" "Oh, God, he sees us." "That guy?" "There you are." "Uh...hello, Nate." "Nate, this is Alex, the love of my life." "My boo." " How you doing, Alex?" " How you doing, Nate?" "Hello, Nathan." "I'm sorry, do I know you?" "Oh, I get it." "We'll catch up after." "Shall we?" "Sure." "Are you sure that you're okay with this?" "Do you want to come sit with us?" "Uh..." "I'm good." "I'd keep your eye on that guy if I were you." "Those are the guys you have to watch out for, man." "If they can't use their face, they learn to use their mouth." "So true." "Wait, am I ugly?" "So, here we are." "Yeah." "You look so different." "And your eyes are so..." "open." "Fair enough." "I deserve that." "No, I'm kidding." "This is awkward." "I really appreciate you being open to this." "We went through a lot, Nate." "You did a lot of really bad things." "I imagine this is gonna take a while." "Or not." "Okay, to begin with, I sincerely apologize for my behavior while we were together." "I was out of control with my drinking, and I'm truly sorry." "I take full responsibility for my actions." "This is really hard for you, isn't it?" " Yeah, it is." " Good." "Go on." "Okay, while we were together, I disrespected you," "I hurt you, and I was dishonest with you." "I regret it, and I promise never to hurt you again." "One day at a time." "Wow." "So if you forgive me, great." "But if not, I totally understand." "I forgive you." "We're good." "Water under the bridge." "The one you almost made me jump off of." "No, the one I used to sleep under." " I was such a jerk!" " Yeah." "I mean, I used to correct your language." "That was not ideal." "Although, I have to say, my favorite was the time and you mixed up ambidextrous with amphibious." "Classic Whitney!" "Bam!" "Eat it!" "Cherry stem double knot." "What's going on with you?" "You usually make fun of bar Olympics, but tonight you're being, like, fun." "What do you mean?" "I'm always fun." "I usually only see you at two speeds-- stressed out, then passed out." "Well, yeah, I do feel pretty good right now." "That is weird." "It's because your body has more than one electrolyte in it." "You're welcome!" "Okay, you know what?" "I think I will have another vodka powerade." "No can do." "You're at your sweet spot right here." "You're cut off." "You know what?" "To be fair to Nate, back then, I did have bangs." "Changes my whole face." "Mark, this is very cute, but I'm an adult, and if I want to order another drink, I will." "So come on." "She is an adult, and our most valuable customer." "Shut up, new guy." "Mark, I am trying to help you out here." "She just tied a cherry stem with her tongue in 12 seconds." "Trust me, you want her to keep drinking." "I was a real mess back then, wasn't I?" "Yes." "You know, I'll never forgive myself for being so impatient with your intolerable neediness." "Well, that-- huh?" "Oh, by the way, as soon as I get ahead financially," "I'm gonna pay you back that $400." "Oh, don't worry about it." "It was for your father's funeral-  he was all you had left." " My parents aren't dead." "I just didn't want them to meet you." "Oh, here they are." "I found them." "Silly." "Hey, you are being so cool about this." "You know, I didn't think you'd be mature enough to handle it, but I am so glad that we can laugh about this now." "Oh, my God!" "Do you remember when I told you that your car was stolen?" "Uh-huh." "I gave it to this model that I was cheating on you with." "Pbbbt!" "Okay, that was unnecessary." "I have already forgiven you, yet you are continuing to say things that you know are gonna hurt me." "Hey, you're doing great, okay?" "It takes a certain emotional sophistication to get this, so don't beat yourself up." "You know, you're just in over your spiritual head." "Don't do that, don't do that." "I know what that is." "Now you are belittling me, and you're trying to make me doubt myself." "You're right." "I'm sorry I cheated on you." "It was just because I was never really attracted to you." "You know what?" "I think, um..." "I'm actually done with this, so..." "Unh!" "Damn!" "Whit's a gangster!" "Oh, my God!" " Hey!" "Hey!" " Whit!" " Whit, Whit, Whit, Whit!" " How do you like me now?" " Hey, Whit." " What?" " Give me the bun." " Uhh!" "Relax." "Just calm down." "Give me the bun." "Hey, my side of the street is clean." "This is all you." "Namaste." "Hey, hey!" "Whit, seriously..." "This guy?" "Damn!" "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "Uh...you call me when you got something." "Bye, Nate." "Good morning!" "Oh, yeah?" "I just stood there like a chump, and I said, "Oh, yeah?"" "And I was holding a bun." "Honey, are you still obsessing about this?" "Yes." "This tool comes in and totally humiliates me in front of my friends, and all I could come up with was, "Oh, yeah?"" "I couldn't even sleep." "All I could think of were all the things I should have said." "For example, "This guy?" "This guy?" "This is the guy that's gonna kick your ass!"" "Or..." ""Sticks and stones my break my bones, but at least I didn't smoke crack!"" "Or..."Milk--" Oh, wait, no, we need milk." "Honey..." "Honey, it's fine." "He's out of our lives now." "I got my amends, and it felt so good." "Look at me, I'm the happiest I've ever been." "No offense." "Fort Lauderdale was fun too." "I wasn't there." "I said "No offense."" "All right, so you stabbed him with a breadstick." "How is that a win?" "I know you don't understand losing control, because you never do, but it was huge for me that I stood up for myself." "Five years ago, I never would have done that." "All right, you know, I'm really happy for you, Whit." "Now, give me his number." "Why?" "Because he said to call him when I have comebacks, and now I have comebacks!" "So gimme that a-a-hole's number." "Another one!" "I'm on fire." " Oh, no." " What?" "Now he's under your skin." "What--wha--no." "It's fine." "It's fine." "I'm--I'll-- I'll get over it." "Okay, good." "Do you want to go see that movie" "I'm not over it." "You know what?" "I'm gonna go for a walk." " Where does he live?" " Alex..." "I want some amends." "That's not how it works." "Well, look, I have to do what I have to do here." "I understand." "And I know where he works." "Good." "I'll go over there right now and make amends." "No, he's the one that makes amends." "Hey, I decide who makes the amends around here!" "And I am deciding that it's him." "All right, look," "I don't want you to get involved with this." "This is my deal, so just hang back." "Okay." "He owes me $400, so..." "Ooh." "Aloha love, adios depression." "Add to cart." " Hey." " Hey." "Alex." "Welcome to mystic pages." "What are you doing here?" "I came because I wanted to talk to you." "Is Whitney with you?" " Uh, yeah." "Uh, somewhere." " Right." "She does that." " She'll just wander off." " Totally." "Yeah, she's like a toddler at a carnival." "Okay, don't be hilarious." "So how can I help you?" "I want some amends, Nate." "Oh, please, call me Nathaniel." "But that's longer than "Nate."" "Look, Al, receiving an amends is a privilege, which you have not earned." "Okay, seriously, what you said to me yesterday was not cool, so I just" "Say no more." "I can see how my behavior at the bar might possibly be perceived as inappropriate." "But it's because I was thrown off, you know." "I just didn't anticipate that Whitney was still so dysfunctional." "Bless her heart." "Whitney doesn't have a heart, so do not try and bless it, okay?" "Now, dude, just apologize to me, and I'll leave." "Okay..." "I know what this is." "You're feeling threatened." "You don't have to worry, man, I don't want her back." "Okay?" "I'm done with her." "Thank God." " Apologize, now!" " Sorry." "I'm sorry!" "And apologize to her again too!" " Sorry!" "Sorry!" " Listen, if you ever contact Whitney again," "I will push you down your 12 steps." "Whit, get in the car!" " But we walked." " You know what I mean." "Whit...really?" "You couldn't shoplift something a little quieter?" "She was never good at that." " Hey!" " Sorry!" " Oh, hey, R.J." " Hey." "All right, let's see." "What should I have tonight?" "Um...you know what?" "I'll just have one of those, um, vodka powerades." "Can't do it--Mark says no alcohol on Thursdays." "You're too tired." "Okay, what is this, an intervention or something?" "Roxanne, you don't have a problem with drinking." "Whoa!" "You sound like me in the mirror." "Seriously, I don't think you have a drinking problem." " I think you have a Mark problem." " What?" "It's pretty obvious you don't come here for the drinks." " You come here for Mark." " No, I don't." "Mark and I are just friends." "Mark only likes me because I don't like him." "Okay, is that what you keep telling yourself?" "I mean, you could go to any other bar in the city to drink." "No, I can't." "I've been cut off by all the ones with valet." "R.J., I come here because all of my friends come here." " You came alone tonight." " That is because" "I have a drinking problem!" "You don't have to come here at all." "You could just buy some wine at the liquor store and drink it at home." "No, I can't." "It's always gone in, like, two days." "I think lily is selling it." "All right, fair enough." "Where is Mark, anyway?" "He had some errands to run." "Be back in a few hours." "Oh, all right." "I'll just come back later." "Yeah." "That was insane!" "You mushed him in the face!" "Yeah." "That is so much worse than being punched." "As a man, when that happens to you," "I think you literally stop producing sperm." "Where did you learn to do that?" "I don't know, I think I saw it on MTV Jams." "I have never seen that side of you before." "You didn't even get that pissed when I lost your fiesta bowl tickets, or when I spilled nail polish remover in your mouth." "Yeah, I don't think I've ever let anything get to me like that before." "I mean, I've definitely never raised my voice like that." "Seriously, I hurt my throat." "How do you do that all day?" " It's a gift." " For who?" "Look, you know, I thought I was gonna go in there and just show that guy what was up." "But then he disrespected you, and I just kind of snapped." "You know?" "I mean, he started trash talking you, and, hey, I'm the only one who's able to talk about you in that way, all right?" "Aww, Mr. Baby." "Aww, what was I gonna do?" "You're my stinky puppy." "Oh..." "Wow, it felt so good to finally stand up to him." "But it felt even better that you stood up for me." "No one's ever done that for me before." "Why are you so obsessed with me?" "You're impossible to mush." "Your forehead's too greasy." "Your hair is too greasy!" "We're unmushable!" "Aah!" "I can't believe you thought that Nate was so attractive." "I mean, the way you were talking about him," "I was expecting Mark Wahlberg to walk in here." "Oh, okay, now I know which man you think is hot." "Yeah, you do." "Look he was no..." "Jason Statham." "That's right." "Well, I heard that Jason's actually really short in person." " Oh, man." " I don't mind short." "Okay, this is so weird." "You guys are shallow when it comes to men too?" "Look, I don't have to pretend that I don't think men are attractive." "Like, I think we can all agree that R.J. is incredibly handsome." "R.J. is." "Tell me his complexion is not buttery." "Does that count as sexual harassment?" "I've been waiting for that to happen!" "I'm rich!"