"I just don't think I should be part of the vals." "Why?" "What's wrong with seeing "'Til Death Do Us Part"?" "Because even death won't part us." "Even if you were just a head in a jar," "I would keep you forever." "Well, I don't have to worry about you dating people after me, because dead wife's head in jar--Kind of a deal breaker." "Oh, that was a sad movie." "If I was ever in a coma like that girl, how long would it take before you started dating again?" "I don't think I could date anyone ever again." "Oh, Ben." "That's the right answer." "No, no." "It's true." "I think I'd, I don't know, probably sell all my stuff." "I mean, too many memories." "Maybe move out of New York, and--I don't know" "Just travel the world." "Go to-- Go to Asia, see Tokyo." "Oh!" "Then I'd buy a boat, and I'd go--I'd go island-hopping in the Caribbean, but then I would come back to the states, and I'd see every baseball stadium in the country." "We can do those things now." "I don't have to be in a coma." "Nah, I'll wait." "Eat that much garlic before bed, I'm leaving you." "Okay, you know how *** big fat *** who can't wear heels and has to pee every five minutes?" "Well, now I'm going to have a lousy first dance, too." "Because of your cankles?" "No." "Because it turns out that Casey is a terrible dancer!" "Casey can't dance?" "Finally something he's bad at." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I've just been waiting for this moment for, like, a year." "Oh, Ben." "Don't gloat." "If we cheered every time you did something bad, we'd be rich." "How does that..." "I don't under..." "Okay." "How bad is he?" "Ugh." "Last weekend we went to my friend Meg's wedding." "Oh, it was so embarrassing." "Oh, no." "He went all zombie on you?" "Mm." "Yeah." "I thought he was gonna rip my arm off and beat me with it." "I don't know why the zombie gets such a bad rap." "It's a classic dance for people who can't dance." "We did it at our wedding." "It's not great, but it's not terrible." "Actually, it's--It's a lot like marriage." "Hey, why don't you and Casey take dance lessons?" "Tons of brides and grooms do it." "That's a good idea." "Even if they could just teach him how to dance like something that's not dead." "Mm." "Hey, mom." "Guess what?" "Casey's bad at something." "I know." "I know." "What do you mean, you still like him?" "You never even met him." "Yeah, hang on just a second." "Hey, uh, Maddie, my mom wants to talk to you." "Oh." "It's good." "Really?" "Yeah, just tell her I'm out." "Just tell her I'm out." "S-sorry, mom." "Uh, Maddie's busy right now." "I'm sorry, but she calls, like, every other Saturday." "Boy." "Some people's parents just don't understand boundaries." "All right, guys." "Good, good." "Hey, Charlie." "You're gonna have to breathe out your nose, all right?" "You're fogging up her glasses." "Michael, Michael," "I know you're nervous, but loosen up your grip, all right?" "You're not falling off a cliff." "Ow!" "Ow, ow." "You keep stepping on my feet." "Sorry." "Hey, uh, guys, let's take a little break, all right?" "Drinking fountains are outside." "Casey, I want you to hang back a second." "Oh, thank God." "Look, all eyes are gonna be on me for our first dance, and I really want to shine, so if you could at least teach him to not step on my feet, that would be great." "You know how to dance." "What?" "Nobody dances that badly that perfectly." "Of course I can dance!" "I don't know why I thought" "I could fool a fellow dancer." "It's just, I learned my lesson three girlfriends ago." "Never let 'em know you're a better dancer than they are." "It just pisses 'em off." "Man, listen, listen, I get it, all right?" "I do the same thing." "My girlfriend thinks I'm a mechanic." "I am trying to keep it in." "I don't want to overshadow her, but it is so tough!" "She has no idea the kind of moves I know!" "You know, we have a men's group that meets every other Friday to dance in an abandoned parking garage." "Lords of the lot?" "I have heard of them." "Yes, please." "So what's the prognosis, doc?" "Oh, uh, he's the worst I've ever seen." "It's..." "I am just terrible!" "Yes, mom, Larry king is staying at my hotel." "You know I never ask guests for their autographs." "Yeah." "All right." "Well, here's a little tidbit you can share with your friends." "He asks for towels, like, eight times a day." "No, I'm not sending you a damp Larry king towel." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Hang on." "She's right here." "Hey, uh, Maddie, my mom wants to say hi." "Okay." "Hi, Mrs. Coles." "I'm fine." "How are you?" "Great, and Mr. Coles?" "Oh, that's great." "Someone just knocked on the door." "I gotta go." "It was nice talking to you." "What was that?" "What?" "That was talking to my mom?" "You said she wanted to say hi." "She said hi." "I asked about your dad." "You can't give the woman an opening." "She goes on and on and on about nothing." "Just now she said, "isn't wind interesting?"" "I--Come on." "I don't have time to talk about wind." "You know, you can't get mad at her for liking you." "If I talked to every person who liked me, I'd be rich." "Your--Your family really needs to learn how to use that phrase." "Look, I'm sorry." "I'll let her talk to me for a long time on my birthday." "I promise." "No." "This--This is not okay, all right?" "When my mom calls and wants to talk to you, you should talk to her." "What's the big deal?" "The big deal is, all I do is spend time with your parents" "Uh, dinners and breakfasts, lunches, movies, game nights." "You know, when I wake up in the morning," "I half expect to find them in the bed with us, and one time I did!" "My dad was having back problems!" "You know they have a soft mattress!" "He thought I was a body pillow!" "Oh, hello, Mr. King." "Hey, Ben." "I need, uh, I need more towels in 412." "Yes." "Right away, sir." "Ben, uh, you don't look right." "Something the matter?" "You do know how to read people, don't you, Mr. King?" "I am in a fight with my girlfriend." "It was over her parents." "Got a little heated, and I said some things." "Been there." "I-I don't know why she got so mad." "You know, all I said was that her dad pays a little too much attention to how much things cost and that her mom is sometimes insensitive to other people." "Doesn't sound so terrible." "I may not have used those exact words." "Your dad is a bald cheapskate, and your mom is a mean little booze troll!" "You know, the worst part is, I have a valid complaint." "We do spend too much time with her parents." "You know, but that's totally lost on her." "Now it's all about my name-calling." "You shuffleboarded it." "You made your first point, knocked it out with the second." "You know, and I have tried apologizing, but she is not into hearing me." "I don't know what to do." "If there's two things I know women like, it's feeling a connection to their partner..." "And books." "O-okay." "Here's how to fix it." "Take her to the library." "Find a cozy corner." "World history." "And then you make love to her like it's the last day on earth." "You're welcome." "Now your foot spa is all ready, honey." "I'm sorry your feet are already giving you so much trouble." "Pregnancy really takes its toll." "That's why, when I was pregnant with you, I drank so much." "No, no, no." "Don't worry." "It wasn't bad for you back then." "Anyway it's not the pregnancy." "It's the dancing." "Class isn't going well." "Casey keeps stepping on my feet, and he doesn't seem to be getting any better." "Well, are you being supportive?" "Yes, of course." "That's your problem." "What?" "You want to make a man better at something, mock him." "What?" "Compliments-- They just make them lazy." "They feel like they can coast, but a well-crafted insult really builds a fire under a guy." "You know how your father makes a great cup of coffee?" "It was not always the case." "I made coffee." "This coffee is as weak as the man who made it." "Best part of waking up." "Makes me wish I'd died in my sleep." "A little chocolate." "Okay." "Not bad." "Not good, but not bad." "Now if I could just get you to hang a picture as straight as you claim to be." "Honestly, it was the best cup of coffee" "I have ever had in my life, but I could not tell him that." "One compliment, we'd be back to square one." "I guess I could give it a try, see what happens, but I-I have to be honest." "It seems kinda cruel." "Oh, that's what you say about all my lessons on marriage." "All right, guys." "Good, good." "Mia, Mia, I want your elbow up a little bit higher, okay?" "Right about there." "Nice." "Good." "Okay." "That's fine." "Yeah." "It's kinda like rearranging deck chairs on the "Titanic,"" "but, I mean..." "Come on." "Are we gonna really ignore this mess going on over here?" "Ohh." "It's like I'm dancing with a malfunctioning robot." "Am I right?" "Why do you keep insulting me?" "Look, you're never gonna get better unless you know how bad you suck." "I don't know whether to keep taking these classes or have you reprogrammed." "I mean, you're just so bad!" "Can we please just concentrate on the dancing?" "I bet you a one-legged gorilla..." "Mia..." "Could dance better than you can." "I am an expert dancer!" "What?" "Casey, no." "I am a much better dancer than you are." "You really aren't that good." "Bordering on bad." "What are you talking about?" "Watch this." "Casey, this isn't a good idea." "I have to do this." "I can't keep it in anymore." "I understand." "Oh, my God." "You are great." "You've been dancing down to me?" "!" "And you knew about this?" "Don't look at me." "I'm just a mechanic." "Thanks." "Mr. King." "It worked." "The library advice worked." "What are we doing here?" "Being sexy, 'cause it's the library." "What?" "I brought in outside food and drink." "It's against the rules." "I'm a bad boy." "Wait a minute." "Are you trying to have sex with me in the library?" "Well, I didn't bring you up here to read you a story." "It's not gonna happen." "For one, I'm still very angry at you." "You said terrible things about my parents." "And two, I have an overdue book, and it's causing me a great deal of anxiety." "Are you even listening to me?" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Why are you unbuttoning your shirt?" "Shh!" "Mm." "Mm." "'Course it worked!" "She's not mad at me anymore." "Thank you, Mr. King." "Need more towels. 412." "Right away, sir." "Cameron..." "The towels go in..." "But they never come out." "Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Putney, what are you doing here?" "We came to see if you had any rooms located under a bridge." "What?" "Well, that's where trolls like me live, isn't it, Ben?" "Oh, no." "I am not a cheapskate." "I am a bargain hunter." "And I am not bald." "I'm sparsely haired." "There's still some up there." "Look." "I don't need to look." "Look!" "Yep." "There it is." "I see it." "That's fuzz, buddy." "Legitimate fuzz!" "You want to see less of us?" "That is no problem." "From now on, you're going to see a lot less of us." "A lot less." "And guess what?" "Our famous cinco de Mayo party" "This year Maddie's invitation is not going to say "plus one."" "No." "Yes." "Adios, amigo." "I can't believe you!" "Why did you tell your parents what I said?" "!" "It was before we made up, and they kept hounding me, asking why I was so upset." "But you didn't have to tell them!" "Well, sometimes you say things you wish you didn't say, and that's exactly what you did, by the way." "You know what?" "You're a snitch." "Yeah." "Wh" " That's right, and as far as I'm concerned, you have no more street cred." "What do you know about street cred?" "I went to hospitality school in Baltimore." "It was Bethesda, Ben." "Look, we can point fingers, or we can fix this." "All right." "Fine." "How do we get your parents to stop being furious at me?" "I don't know." "It's not like we can just take them to the library, throw them up against the world history section and have our way with them until their anger gives way to ecstasy." "Or maybe we can..." "Figuratively, by talking to Larry king and getting his advice." "Ohh." "Thank God." "I had no idea where you were going with that." "So I can dance." "Can we please just let it go?" "No!" "You embarrassed me in front of all of my friends." "Your friends?" "Uh, yeah." "Curly-headed bride, brown-haired bride, green card bride, water fountain hog." "So I embarrassed you, even though you called me a one-legged gorilla?" "I was trying to motivate you, and you have to admit, it worked, okay." "Suddenly you got really good at dancing." "Look, I just don't understand why you would hide something like that from me." "In my experience, girls don't like it when I am better than them at certain things." ""Things"--Plural?" "Oh, so there are other things that you think that you're better at than me?" "Let's just drop it." "It doesn't matter." "No." "It matters." "You don't want to know." "Trust me." "Yes, I do, okay?" "What other "things" are you good at?" "Girl things!" "I am great at girl things." "What?" "I am an amazing present-wrapper." "I can ice the crap out of a cake." "I can tell the difference between two very similar shades of yellow." "You don't even want to see my scrapbooks." "This is my actual handwriting." "Oh, my God." "It's beautiful." "It looks like hello kitty wrote it." "And I'm pretty sure I can French braid your hair better than you can." "That's ridiculous." "I learned in France." "It's glorious!" "I don't think my hair's ever looked better." "How did you learn all of these things?" "Between the ages of 11 and 14," "I was basically raised by my two half sisters." "I'm also really good at that gymnastics event with the ribbons." "There." "My secret's out, so... be mad at me." "Make fun of me." "Do whatever." "I don't care that you're good at all of those things." "I just don't want you to pretend with me that you're not." "You told me our wedding was a chance for you to shine." "If I danced to my full ability, I would've shined so hard, people would've forgotten you were even there." "Well, I'm sorry I said it that way." "What I meant was that I want us to shine together." "Honey, we're a team now." "That means, everything that you're good at," "I get to take advantage of." "Really?" "Really." "And now we can have our perfect first dance." "You can teach me." "You can bring me up to your level." "Or I could bring you down to mine." "Or we can meet in the middle." "Come on." "So I will put my arm here..." "And grab your hand in my hand, put my lips on yours..." "Something else I learned from my sisters." "Not the kiss." "How to be romantic." "I don't think this is gonna work." "Well, I didn't think the library thing was gonna work, but it did." "Yeah, it did." "You wanna just go back there right now?" "No!" "No, no, no, no." "We have to do this." "Larry king said it would work." "He said that parents want to be liked, a we're just overthinking this whole thing." "They are looking for any reason to believe that" "I didn't say those things." "If there's two things I know about older people" "They'll believe anything, and they like coffee-flavored candy in glass bowls." "What's he doing here?" "Dad, it's okay." "We need to talk to you." "No, it's not okay." "You stay outside." "I will leave the door open out of respect for my daughter." "What's the matter, honey?" "Did he upset you again?" "He said something about Mia, didn't he?" "Made some insensitive remark about her cankles?" "No, mom." "I-I'm so embarrassed." "I have to tell you," "Ben never actually said those things about you." "What?" "Really?" "That's good news." "Tell us why." "I actually misheard him, dad." "He didn't call you a bald cheapskate." "He actually said, "tall beefcake."" "Oh, I figured that's what it was." "Come on in, son." "I knew you weren't really sick of spending time with us." "No, of course not." "I bet you'd spend more time with us if you could." "Oh, boy." "Uh, that I would love." "I knew it!" "You and I are having dinner tomorrow night." ""Beefcake."" "What about me?" "Uh, well, yours" "I didn't call you a mean little booze troll." "No, I just said that you" "I only told her you said "troll."" "Well, wh-whatever it was, I didn't say it." "What I--What I said was that you are classically beautiful." "Oh, Ben." "Wait a minute." "That doesn't sound anything like" " Here's some candy." "Oh!" "Coffee-flavored!" "I am, uh, so sorry if this misunderstanding upset you in any way." "I hope you know that I love you both very much." "We very much like you, too, Ben." "I said love, but that's okay." "Oh!" "I've got go put all my towels in the dryer." "Mrs. Putney, I've gotta ask you, what is the deal with older men and towels?" "Let's go." "Please kill me when I turn 50."