"Why are you doing that at the table and not at your lighted vanity like a real man?" "Ha ha, very funny Two of the bulbs are burned out" "You really went to town with those clippers today" "There's enough hair on the bathroom floor to make a shawl" "What's with all the man-scaping?" "Vince and Nadine are coming to dinner tomorrow night" "I just wanna look my best" "Plus, I'm sick of getting stopped at airports" "I think it is so cute that Vince has his own Grace" "I just hope she's not put off by how pretty I am" "Oh, I think she'll be fine" "I don't know." "I'm lovely" "Oh, God, this damn thong is riding up so high I feel it in my throat" "Yeah, look, Grace, Nadine is a sweet, lovely girl." "Whereas you're-- more of a, of a thong up the ass girl." "And" "Just try to make a good impression" "Don't you worry about me I will be a delight" "Oh, dear God, you've over-tweezed again" "Let me look at you Nope, can't be saved." "My advice:" "put two chopsticks in your hair, wear a kimono, and speak only when spoken to" "Oh, listen, I'm glad you're here" "Um, I'm having a dinner tomorrow night and it's really important that it goes well" "Say no more We won't show up" "Thank you" "Karen, why haven't you returned my calls?" "I've, I've called you, like, a dozen times" "Please tell Grace that I quit, and I am not speaking to her" "Please tell Karen I'm Grace" "I trust you'll see that she gets the message" "I'd tell her, Karen, but I don't know when I'm gonna get a chance" "Karen, I am sorry I took credit for your work" "I don't know what else I can do" "I apologized." "I had flowers delivered" "I even sent you those Entenmann's chocolate donuts sprinkled with Xanax" "Tell Grace, that even though it was the perfect gift, it's too late" "Last night I accepted a new position" "Then... after my date left" " I got a call about a new job" " What?" "Kare's going to my new assistant at Out TV" "Unfortunately, I was forced to release my old assistant, David, from his post" "Somebody saw him tied to the post and complained" "Come on, Karen You can't be serious" "Well, I am And please tell Grace, if she has any thing further to say to me she can say it to my face!" "Oh, and would you tell Grace I actually prefer the custard style yogurt?" "Thank you" "Thank you for giving me this job" "This is gonna be a lot more fun than sitting around the house poking Rosie with a stick and being depressed that I'm not working for Grace anymore" "Oh, honey, it's going to so much more fun working here with you" "Quit it!" "Stop!" "I take my job very seriously" "You can't goof around This is a very serious place of business!" "Honey, I know." "I can see that Look at the men!" "Look how professional they look in their suits and ties" "Uh, yeah, that's Yolanda" "And he/she's one of the most ambitious executives here" "But be careful around him/her, people say he/she's two-faced" "Now." "Let's get down to work" "I need you to take these head-shots and call all these gay actors and see if any of them would actually play gay" "And then, I need you to something pretty complicated" "I need you to take these folders and put them in that drawer in alphabetical order" "Oh, honey, this one looks very talented" ""Hi, I'm bland even gay actor."" "I played homo-behind-counter in piece-of-crap, gay indie film" "Ha ha!" "Ha ha!" "Karen, that's genius!" "That's never been done!" "Get back to work!" "All right, I'll file No more jokes" "Thank you" "Oh, honey, I'll get that for you" "Jack McFarland's orifice" "Ha ha!" "Boy, I can see I'm not gonna get any work done today!" "My orifice is closed" "Grace, this is Nadine, my better half" "Nadine, this is Grace She lives with Will" "Hi, you're so much prettier than the picture Will showed me of you at the pie eating contest" "I've never been in a pie eating contest" "It was Thanksgiving" "Nadine, it's so great to meet you" "Vince has told me so great things about you" "Oh, that's sweet." "Like what?" "Oh, I wasn't really prepared for an example" "But you seem nice!" "Now, why would you go on and on about me like that?" "Because you're my best friend You got a problem with that?" "If I did, I guess I could always call the police" "Right, huh?" "She's so good with the jokes, I'm telling ya" "Sometimes, I think she's funnier than me" "Well, I watch a lot of Comedy Central" "Oh, we're almost out of goat cheese and papaya quesadillas!" "Oh, there's only one more" " Here you take it" " No, you take it" " No, you take it" " I'll take it" "God, you guys are so nice to each other" " Will, they're so nice to each other" " What?" " I said, they're so nice to each other" " I can't hear you!" "What?" "You were so busy clipping and snipping today, what'd you forget the hair in your ears?" "I'm getting something out of the oven!" "What do you want?" "Ah, forget it I don't even care anymore" "Aw, jeez, I got papaya on my cuff" "Dad was right I can't have nice things" "Aww!" "Hey, hey!" "Shhh!" "Take a deep breath" "We'll run it under cold water" "Thanks for saving me from myself again" "You see how nice they are with each other?" " And all we're doing is bickering" " Ah, suck it" " It's normal" " No, it's not" "Nadine is polite and considerate" "And she doesn't eat like she's trying to win a stuffed animal at a carnival!" "What, so you want me to be more like Nadine?" "Yeah." "Like a lot more" "Please!" "Nadine's not even like Nadine" " What are you talking about?" " No one is that sweet and nice" "She's like a Stepford Hag" "Underneath it all, I guarantee you, she's as annoyed by Vince as I am by you" " Well, you're wrong" " No, I'm right" "What the hell is the matter with you?" "Not everybody is phony, Grace" "Did we miss anything?" "Yeah, I was just telling Grace how much I love her" "Hi, Karen." "Um, I didn't notice, but the guys in accounting said this one-page deal memo has 72 mistakes on it" "Well, honey, that's because I was typing with my boobs" "Karen!" "You can't type with your boobs!" "It's unprofessional" "Unless, of course, I dictate with my bellybutton" ""Please take a memo, Miss Walker"" ""Dear employees..." ""From now on, the network will be known as Outie TV."" " Uh, Jack?" " "Yeees?"" "Oh, hey, Tim Great stubble today" "Thanks, half of it's pencil" "Can I talk to you outside for just a second?" "Listen, uh, I don't know what's going on in there, but we got a big presentation today This is crunch time!" "No, I already did my crunches." "It just looks flabby 'cause I was holding it like this" "Jack, Jack, Jack, I'm a little concerned about you and your new assistant" "It seems like you're not getting any work done" "Well, it's hard because she's my best friend" "Jack, this is work" "If you can't keep that separate from your social life you're gonna have to let her go But just be careful how you do it" "As a gay network, we have to be extremely sensitive" "We don't want anything that resembles sexual harassment here, handsome" "This is a lovely dinner, Will" "This dressing you made is light, but flavorful" "Well, thank you!" "Yeah, the chicken's great, Will" "Well, I can't take credit for the bone marrow" "I wish I was as good a cook as Will Or my dad" "But, you know what they say" "Firemen are more cooks, policemen are more seamstresses" "Oh, that's not true You make a great sauce" "I get so upset when you're down on yourself" "You know, Nadine, to see how supportive you are of Vince it's just, I find it very refreshing" "Well, what kind of a friend would I be, if I didn't support him in everything he does?" "I don't know, Nadine, what kind of a friend would you be?" "Okay." "You know what?" "Let's play a game Will and I like to call" ""What Annoys Me About My Best Friend" I'll go first" "Will, those pants make you loook like you have a vagina!" "Nadine, you're next" "Oh, that's easy." "Nothing" "Come on, Nadine, there's gotta be something" " No, nothing" " Oh, not so fast" "On that second nothing, I could have sworn I saw Nadine's lip quiver" "That true?" "Did your lip quiver?" "What?" "There is something?" "Did you hear that, Will?" "There is something" "If there was a bone that you hadn't sucked to the size of a pin," "I'd knock you over the head with it" "Come on, Nadine." "You gotta tell me I'm startin' to freak out" "No, not in front of them" "Oh, man, this must be bad" "Hey, what?" "Is it my crazy, yellow toenail?" "Is it that my mom still sleeps over when I'm sick?" "She what?" " No, it's none of them" " Come on, Nadine" "No." "I wanna stop now" "Nadine, come on, tell me" " No!" " I'm not gonna let up" " Now, wait..." " Tell me" " This is just a little ridic" " Tell me" " Okay!" "I hate Will!" "You what?" "You're obnoxious and overbearing and your food is too pretentious" "I mean, even your chicken had a swiss-charred vest" "And you're too groomed" "If your eyebrows were tweezed any more, you'd be Nicole Kidman!" "I can't even stand to look at you for one more second!" "Thank you for the lovely evening" "Wow." "I was sure she was gonna say that mother sleeping over thing" "Hey, Vince." "Just checking to see if you got home yet" "Hey, how funny was Nadine tonight?" "That whole bit about hating me, then running out of here" "Heh..." "On the upside, you're dating Nicole Kidman!" "Hey, honey." "Sorry I'm late The office was crazy" "I guess the kids are asleep Did you keep my dinner warm?" "Jack, I am not your wife And you can call if you're gonna be late!" "There's a plate with tinfoil on in the oven / Thank you" "Well, I've had quite a day here too Nadine" "Please!" "Can't I just sit down and take a load off before you start in on me!" "My boss is on my case" "He says I gotta have a more professional relationship with my secretary, or else I have to fire her" "He gave me an old tomato" ""Old tomato?"" "Yeah, when you have to do one thing or the other?" "You have to eat it or throw it" "Old tomato" "Oh, I see." "I was confused, 'cause you know," "I" " I pronounce it old to-mah-to" "Well, I can see you're not going to be any help" "And you wonder why I sleep with men before I come home" "Hey" "How you feeling?" "It's been an hour and a half" "I just thought I'd give you that time to cool down" "Yeah, you also gave me just enough time to do all the cleaning up" "Oh, did it work out that way?" "What were you thinking?" "Why couldn't you leave well enough alone?" "Will, I am sorry, but trust me Everything's gonna be okay" "No, it's not." "You know the old saying:" "If the hag hates you, the fag don't date you!" "I know, but don't worry" "'Cause I--I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I know how to fix this" " No, no, no, you've done quite enough" " No, but if I go" "Grace?" "Promise me you won't do any thing" "Okay, I promise" "Thank you" "Come on, help me clean up here There's still a few pots left" "Okay, I hear you." "Sounds like you need a couple more minutes alone" "Oh, my God Honey, that was so much fun" "Startling the lesbians in the lunchroom" "Oh, my God, Karen, that was so funny!" "You're fired" " What?" "Why?" " Because, Karen, I can't do this" "I love you but," "I can't get anything done with you around You're too much fun" "Oh, I should have just hired Will" "All right, I know how to be all business" "Okay, let's get right to the bottom line I would like to stay" "I'm sorry, Karen." "No" "How 'bout now?" " No Now?" " No" "Welcome to OutTV!" "Nice doing business with you, Miss Walker" "My pleasure, Mr. McFarland" "Before we get back to work, Kare..." "Can I just say something to you as a friend?" "I think you should back to Grace" "You guys have it all figured out How to be colleagues and friends" "I mean, you're really happy over there I think you should go back" "Oh, Jackie." "I wish I could, but I can't I have too much pride" "There's no way I could go back there and keep my dignity" "Just do what my mother did when she'd come home from the factory and catch me wearing her makeup" "Honey, I can't stare at Grace and scream, "Why aren't you a real boy?"" " It wouldn't make any sense" " No" " Pretend it never happened" " No, Jackie, I can't" "There's nothing you can do to change my mind" "Really?" " How 'bout now?" " Done" "Hi, Grace" "Hey, Nadine Thanks for meeting me" "I was sort of surprised to hear from you after what happened the other night" "I don't know where all that anger came from" "Thank God I have the new Norah Jones to calm me down" "Well, that's why I wanted us to meet" "So, I could tell you that none of that changes how I feel about you or Vince" "I think you're super, and Vince is so sweet" "He is..." "like sugar, wrapped in honey, dipped in hugs" "Yeah, you wanna hear something funny about him?" " Sure!" " You will never have him" " What?" "Excuse me?" "You will never have him" "He's gay, you're straight" "He will never change, no matter how many boyfriends you scare off" "Okay, I know what's going on here You're just mad because I said I hate your dippy little fancy chicken friend" " Deal with it" " You will never have him" " Stop!" "Stop saying that!" " I know you, Nadine" "You hope that Vince being gay is just a phase" "You fantasize that Will dies in a car crash and that you're the only one who could comfort Vince" "Until one night, that comfort turns into unbridled love-making" "You're wrong!" "It was a plane crash" "Don't you see?" "I know you, because I was you" "But we're just so perfect together" "I mean, he's the one who loves me for who I really am" "Sad" "Look, there are tons of guys out there" "And eventually one is going to fall in love with you" "Not because of who you are, but because of what you look like" "A guy who sees you primarily as a pretty face and a hot body he wants to screw" "You deserve that!" "Thank you, Grace" "You might be right!" "And you know what?" "I don't think I'm gonna give myself little cuts on my leg today" "You know what that's called, Nadine?" "Growth" "Oh, you're back" "Vince is on his way over I was just in the bathroom gluing hair back on my eyebrows" "Better." "You look more like Jennifer Connelly now" "Hey, guys." "Will, I just spoke with Nadine" "She feels really awful about what happened" "Yeah, said it was to some side effects from combining paxil, Nicorette, and grapefruit" "She thinks my meals are pretentious" "Anyway, turns out she likes you a whole lot" "She was gonna come down here with me right now, but some guy in the subway said, "Nice ass" and she went home with him" "So unlike her" "Sex with a stranger on public transportation?" "That girl's gonna be okay" " So, we're okay?" " Always" "And, Hey, Grace?" "Nadine said she had a great time with you at coffee and I just wanna thank you from the bot" "Crud, how'd I get smuts on this shirt, already?" "Dammit, my father gave me this shirt He set me up to fail!" "Coffee?" "What did you do?" "I thought I told you not to do anything?" "I know, I'm sorry I just felt that she really" "She really needed to know the truth..." "That you are a wonderful, loving, compassionate man" "And she should count herself blessed to have you in her life" "Aw..." "So you're not gonna tell me?" "Not gonna tell you" " Thank you" " Back off you're never gonna have me" "Ugh." "Sorry I'm late, honey That took forever" "The lines at the drugstore were crazy" "Okay." "Here's your tab and your Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific" "Wow, that was a long line Started in 1975" "What?" "What are you talking about?" "I was gone, like, 10 minutes" " Karen, are we gonna pretend that we" " Honey, listen, I'd love to stand around and chat with ya all day long, but you've got work to do" "And this new pill splitter isn't gonna break itself in" "I missed you" "Wow." "Clingy much?" "Girl can't even take a break without a freak-out" "I missed you too, honey"