"Like most month-old vegetables, the hospital wanted to throw me out." "We can put him in county-run long-term care, or... you can take him off our hands and receive a one-time payment of $2,000 in camden cash, redeemab at more than six local businesses." "Paintball!" "Karma wouldn't dangle paintball in front of us if it wet a sign." "We'll take it." "Randy felt he made the right choice, and everywhere he looked, he saw proof of that." "How cool was it that right when I got tired of carrying you," "Karma made a supermarket." "Karma rocks." "Brace yourself." "That's good, Earl." "You didn't pee that time." "When you're in a coma getting pushed down the street in a shopping cart, things go pretty slow, but in my mind, time was flying by." "50 years in this old house." "We sure do have a lot of memories." "Speak for yourself." "I can't remember what I had for breakfast." "do you remember the time that we got into that huge fight, and neither one of us wanted to move out?" "Yeah." "Your side need its diaper changed." "Remember when our own kids stopped being cute, and cousin Wendall came and stayed with us?" "Why, cousin Wendall." "What a surprise." "What are you doing here?" "My parents are dead, so I'm moving in with my favorite cousins on the honky side." "that irrepressible scamp certainly turned our world upside down." "Earl?" "Hey, Earl!" "Randy, wait up!" "Hey, Patty." "Look what I bought at the store." "Just kidding." "It's Earl." "I just brought him home from the hospital." "He's still got a touch of the coma." "Yeah, they're a tough thing to shake." "I missed a lot of my 30s like that." "Well, he's not gonna be in it that long." "I mean, he's almost back to normal already." "Watch." "Every opening I stick my finger in," "I get a different reaction." "Sounds a lot like my job." "Hey," "I got a wheelchair I can sell you." "Does it have a shelf underneath?" "'Cause this shopping cart's got a real good shelf underneath." "Well, it's a pretty nice chair." "It used to belong to this pimp friend of mine, snooky." "He got rid of it, 'cause he thought people didn't respect the chair." "Now he has one of his bitches carry him around on a backpack, yoda style." "Randy loved the yoda backpack idea, but once he saw snooky's wheelchair, that looked even better." "It had everything a crippled pimp would want-- a bumpin' sound system, spinner hubcaps, a hook for a sock full of batteries." "It even had a little shelf." "oh, snap!" "Darnell, I'm tempted to cripple you just to get one of those." "Tempted to let you do it." "did the hospital need the bed?" "It's nice to see they throw white folks out, too." "Actually, I could have sent him to long-term care, but Karma offered us paintball, Camden cash and a wheelchair, so, obviously, I'm doing the right thing." "So, you're just going to take care of Earl by yourself?" "Remember when you turtle-sat the first mr." "Turtle, and he ended up outside of his shell, and you shoved him back in like I wouldn't notice?" "These are the things that make me worry." "Randy, you can't do this." "Trust me, I know what it takes to take care of somebody." "I've proven that three times to child services." "Would you guys leave me alone?" "He's fine." "I've already been looking after him a whole day." "It's your favorite, Earl." "Chubby's chicken with fries and a couple beers." "It's gonna taste so good in your blood." "Plus, the best part about Earl being out of the hospital is he can start doing stuff from the list on his own." "If Karma was making him a little bit better when we were crossing things off, just think how much better he'll get if he starts crossing 'em off himself." "Randy, is this a gum wrapper in his mouth?" "Yeah, I wasn't near a trash can." "Here's one he could definitely do on his own." ""Number 241:" "Made derrick stone late for work."" "In every neighborhood, there's people that annoy everybody else by working odd hours." "In the trailer park, those hours are 9:00 to 5:00." "How about a little respect, jackass!" "It's not even 9:00 in the morning!" "You know we were up until 5:00!" "You yelled at us 4:30!" "I'm really sorry, guys." "I just don't want to be late for work." "So to make sure we got a good day's sleep, me and Randy decided to put in a good night's work." "son of a bitch." "Randy talked to derrick and found out being late was just the start of his problems." "Showed up late for work, got fired, my girlfriend sadidn't date los, so she broke up with me." "My on personal 9/11." "And it was actually september 11." "I'm not being dramatic." "Well, you won't be late anymore." "Now you can drive in the carpool lan 'cause I put Earl in your backseat." "So can I cross you off the list?" "I guess." "I take the bus now." "Sold that car to the lady next door." "You're right, Earl." "Your mother's dress is see-through in this picture." "What kind of 95-year-old woman doesn't wear underwear?" "After finding a bitchin' pair of truck stop sunglasses to cover up my red, swollen eyes, Randy tried to find a list item I could do in a coma." "That turned out to be a lot harder." ""Number 116:" "Rolled john fenster down a hill in a porta potti."" "Do you think Earl would mind if we did that to him?" "Randy, if you were in a coma, would you want someone rolling you downhill in a porta potti?" "Let me think." "Oh, no." "No, I would not." "Here we go." "Earl could do this on his own." "It's perfect." ""Number 126:" "Stole from the hensen kids."" "Me and Randy were always jealous of our neighbors, brett and Tiffany hensen, 'cause their folks took 'em on such great vacations." "Oh, man, they got to go to hawaii." "Man, they got to go to mystery funland." "Who wants pizza?" "Oh, man, they got to go skydiving." "Not only did they get to go on cool vacations, now they didn't have to walk places either." "That's when I decided I wanted in on their fun." "Race you home!" "Excuse me, could you at least roll us in the shade?" "!" "Anyway, I didn't know where I could find you, so I thought... what?" "That you'd look for us in the wheelchair bar?" "We're in wheelchairs, so we have to be in the wheelchair bar, is that it?" "But you are here." "Only 'cause it's ladies' night." "In an hour, this place is going to be wheel to wheel bitches." "Frkly, eardese a coma after what you did to us." "We fried like bacon out there." "Which is why I left Earl outside on the blacktop." "So you had to lie in the sun, now he has to lie in the sun." "That seems pretty even." "I got leg-humped by a doberman." "I got shoulder-humped by a doberman... to completion." "Oh, yeah!" "So can I cross you off the list now?" "Randy had failed to charm the pants off brett and Tiffany, but a homeless guy was having much better luck with me." "Hey, get away from him!" "You need an extra pants so bad, go home and get a pair." "And get a haircut while you're at it!" "You look like a bum!" "Oh, man, you look thirsty, Earl." "Let's go inside and see if they got a nice sponge you can suck on." "I was burning up." "Fortunately, in my coma mind, things were more comfortable." "Wakey, wakey... before the arthritis makes you achy." "Hey Earl." "Hey Mrs Earl." "Randy!" "Randy... we're looking at photo albums." "Have a seat." "Okay." "But the doctor said I have to be careful so I don't sit on my balls again." "Randy, you remember that?" "The time you got hit in the head?" "Hey, where's the baloney?" "E equals mc squared." "E pluribus unum." "In a right triangle, the sum of the squared sides equal the hypotenuse squared." "Hey, where's the baloney?" "Remember this one?" "That was a very special time." "Okay, Randy, show me on the bear where the bad neighbor touched you." "He doesn't have one." "Can I get a refill on this?" "Whoa !" "He really is in a coma." "That's horrible, and... funny, all at the same time." "You know, for someone in a wheelchair, you're not very inspirational." "Well, well, well." "Who's your friend?" "What do you care?" "You broke up with me." "I told you, Tiffany, I don't get close." "People leave." "Or, in my case, they run over your legs with a Ford Bronco, take the kids... and then leave." "What you looking at, risky business?" "I'll bet you just added a pint to your catheter bag, huh?" "You know what, Randy?" "There is something Earl can do for me." " To cross you off his list?" " Yeah." "I am dying to get back together with T. R." "I-I know he's rough around the edges, but when he kisses me, he sends shivers halfway down my spine" "Help me make him jealous." "Earl's in." "Tiffany figured the best way to make T. R. jealous was to show me off in front of all his friends." "And all his friends were at killer ball." "It's a game where people who are already hurt try to hurt each other much worse." "Oh, yeah, and sometimes they try to score a goal." "Tiffany was working hard on making look like I was quite a catch." "Oh, Earl!" "You are sooo funny!" "Earl looks bad, Randy." "His skin is peaked, he's wheezing, and his mustache - where's its normal body and bounce?" "You don't think it kills me to see his mustache like that?" "But crossing things off the list is the only way he's gonna start to get better again." "Besides, he's not that bad." "See?" "Maybe he got used to my finger." "Give me your keys." "Randy, he doesn't need a car key shoved in his ear." "How do you know?" "You're not a doctor." "He just needs to cross something off the list again." "Tiffany, make out with him, but stop if he starts to choke." "Yes." "Please have her stick her tongue in the zombie's mouth, 'cause this situation ain't quite wrong enough as it is." "Play ball!" "Randy had high hopes, but unfortunately," "T. R. was having such a great game, he didn't seem to notice us at all." "Look at him out there, showboating." "That kind of showboating got you in that chair, you jerk!" "I love you." "As captain of the other team," "Tiffany's brother Brett wasn't taking things so well." "I didn't jump out of an airplane with what turned out to be a torn parachute, land spine first on a tractor, miraculously unharmed, only to have my sister fall out of the sky and snap my c-7" "so I could end up playing on a team full of wussies!" "Now, get out there and kick some chair, damn it!" "Yeah!" "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "Oh, uh, yeah, I forgot to tell you guys, um..." "I can sort of walk." "You're done all, my ass." "Looks like you're gonna have to forfeit." "Over my half-dead body." "Look, we need another player, or we're out of the game." "Your brother helps me win this, he can cross me off his list." "How's he gonna play in a game?" "He can't even hold a lit cigarette in his mouth and take a funny picture." "Without a cigarette, he was just a naked guy laying in the mud." "I feel it's only fair to tell you, Randy," "I've decided if this ends the way I think it's going to," "I will be testifying against you." "No hard feelings." "This has to be what Karma wants." "Otherwise, all the decisions I made up 'till now would've been terrible." "Well, is he in or out?" "Put him in, Randy." "If T. R. loses to my new boyfriend, it'll drive him insane." "I'm sorry, guys, but if Earl's gonna die, he's gonna die like a man:" "Trying to cross things off his list while he's playing a stupid game he doesn't even understand." "Let's do this!" "I was about to do something crazy, and I wasn't even awake for it." "But in my mind, I lived through a whole lifetime of wacky stuff." "There's Joy and Darnell before they moved to Florida." "Remember how she used to burst in and insult us for no reason?" "Sure glad that never happens anymore." "Howdy-ho, you dried-up old bastards!" "Hey, old Earl." "Hey, old Crab man." "Remember when Earl's twin brother from the city came to visit?" "Thanks for letting me stay here, Earl." "I so needed a vacay." "Things are not going well with the missus." "In real life, it didn't look like I'd make it to old age." "But lucky for me," "Randy had a degree in joysticks from the University of Pac-Man." "You can't be safe... and, in a moment I wish I remembered," "Randy even helped me score the game-tying goal." "The time was running down, the score was tied, and we had the ball." "Come on!" "Let's cut 'em off at the knees!" "No offense, Paul." "The pressure was on, and we needed all the help from Karma we could get." "But Karma works in mysterious ways." "suddenly it seemed like Randy's chance to cross Brett and Tiffany off my list was slipping just out of his reach." "But knocking that remote around did activate the "dancing bubbles" function on my pimp chair." "Randy!" "Hold on, Earl!" "Somebody get him!" "Someone was gonna stop T. R., and that would have to be me." "With some help from Tiffany..." "I love you, Earl!" "...Who finally found the magic words to get under T. R.'s skin." "I love you and your fully functioning penis!" "And that's when T. R. realized that there was something he cared about more than killer ball " "Tiffany." "I did it - I made him jealous." "And thanks to the ricochet off the face," "I also helped my childhood neighbor win the game." "He did it!" "Earl crossed the Hensens off his list!" "Karma's gonna love this." "Crossing those two people off my list scored me a few points with Karma, but it wasn't enough." "Turns out, Karma's a little like killer ball - sometimes you just need one more point to win the game." "And Randy had helped me score a point across town without even knowing it." "Hey, Derrick?" "Since that guy snuck in my car," "I've kind of scared driving alone." "You want to carpool?" "By putting me in the backseat of that woman's car," "Randy not only helped Derrick get to work on time, it also got him a little closer to getting a new girlfriend." "Sometimes when you try to do good things, you don't see any results at all." "That doesn't mean you should stop doing 'em." "That last boost of Karma pushed me over the edge." "Suddenly coma world didn't feel like the right place to be - it wasn't real." "It was time to get back to my life and Karma came to give me a lift." "And just like that, I was home." "Earl!" "Randy?" "Well, I'll be damned." "Oh, my God." "Somebody get him some gum." "You has some bangin' coma breath, baby." "Earl, you're back." "Are you back?" "I think so." "I was having this crazy dream." "We were all real old, and... we had spent our whole lives together." "That doesn't sound crazy, that sounds just about perfect." "And I was married to Billie." "Billy?" "Who's he?" "Oh, crap, I think the coma made him gay."