"Don't know where you were, but here's what you missed." "They're taking out the sewer main and shutting water off." " What about Aunt Ginger?" " Let me spell this out." "The city digs up some bones, the police show up." "You buried a body and you stole from the federal government." "You will never get out of prison." "My-dad-is-gay-for-your-brother thing." "It's on a film loop in my brain." "I'll be back for dinner." "Buck up, kiddo." "No biggie, just my universe falling apart." "We are literally digging up a body." "Walk away." "Yeah, why don't you go cry to your gay dad about it?" " Hey, what did the doc say?" " I need to know the truth." " Can I have a baby?" " What about a surrogate?" " You two will take it from me?" " Yes, Mama." "It will be our child." "It will be your grandchild." "Know the guy you beat?" "Wants me to sneak into his mansion, take his crap." " What do you see in that geriatric Viagroid?" " Isn't afraid to kiss me." " I can take care of you." " No, you can't." "Get in the car." "Get in the car." "I love you, Debbie." "Operator, can you connect me with Child Welfare Services?" "I would like to report a negligent situation." "Who the hell are you?" "I'm Britney from Child Protective Services." "Whoa, wait." "What the hell is going on?" "Department of Family Services is taking us." " What?" "Can they do that?" " It won't last." " What was it last time, a week?" " Nine days." "Twenty bucks says we're back in five." " Can I get their placement addresses now?" " Not until intake interviews are complete." "Who reported us?" "Come on, who was it?" "Frank!" "Frank?" "Frank." "Frank." "I'm off to my hypnotherapy appointment." "I need you to watch Hiram." "Kind of in the middle of something, Sheils." "Where's Jody?" "He's working at the tattoo parlor." "Marking idiots with ink so the rest of us can recognize them." "Frank, you have tattoos." "Point well taken." "And if you're doing laundry, can you put some of Hymie's onesies in?" "Might as well, you're both covered in pee pee." "Shh." "Here you go, buddy." "I just want you to know that my dumping you and leaving town is in no way a reflection of my feelings toward you, Hiram." "I just gotta lay low a little bit in case they find Ginger's body in my backyard." "Shit, I got a shift in 10 minutes." "Yeah, go to your shift." "I'll take care of this." " Wasn't sure I'd see you again." " Yeah." "I wasn't either." "Gonna see if I can get one of the cock-gobblers to cover my shift so I can get over to the DFS, start tracking down the kids." "You guys okay?" "Oh, yeah." "Ain't our first time at the rodeo." "Because Liam is still cute and little, he'll go to some loving home with people who want a family, but waited so their egg batter rotted, so can't have their own." "Debbie and Carl will be placed together because" "Because the state always tries to keep siblings together." "And Lip and I can handle whatever foster nut-jobs we end up with." "Remember that last guy with the, uh...?" "Was it the fucking bathroom peephole?" " Yeah." " This time's gonna be a little different." "I've placed Liam and Carl together." "But Debbie unfortunately has to be placed separately." "All by myself?" "And Phillip and Ian, you're too old to be placed, so you're going to a group home." " Like a whore's period, late again, bitch." " You're wasting your talents, Patty." "You should be tweeting this crap." "You're late." "I know, I'm sorry." "Look." "I have a family emergency and was wondering if I could skip my shift." "Would you look at this?" "It's filthy." "My back is filthy because you haven't washed it." "So, uh, why should I wash yours?" "Look, I need a couple hours to get to the Department of Family Services." "They yanked my brothers and sister from our house." "Gotta find where they are." "Make sure they're safe and not with any psychos or anything." "Please." "Sorry, but, uh, you know, if you can't get anyone to cover your shift..." "You know as well I do none of those bitches are gonna cover for me." "I still have that video of you and have no problem sending it to your wife." "I have no problem going to DFS to tell them you steal and show up high." " Your word against mine." " Actually, the girls will back me up." "And I'm gonna want you to quit so I don't have to pay you unemployment." "Fuck you, Bobby." "Tell you what, tickle the balls a little maybe I'll write you a letter of recommendation." "That really puts the "home" in group home." "It's only gonna be a couple days, okay?" "Every Gallagher can handle that, right?" " I'll take care of Liam." " Yes, you will." "Hey, Debs." "I'll see you soon, all right?" "Hey." "Good day, gentlemen." "My name is D'Andre and this is Gunderson House a level-14 boys group home, housing underage DD's in the Chicago system." "Is that "Dungeons and Dragons" or...?" "Delinquents and deviants." "Follow me." "This will be your primary residence until we figure out which one you are." "Your wallets and cell phones will be in my care until you've proven to me that you can follow the rules." " So this is like prison?" " It's up to you." "You will be given an opportunity to earn back your money and cell phone privileges." " Gee, thanks." " You would do well to shut your mouth and keep your eyes open in here." "Uh, the county database says you're available for placement but, um, I'm concerned there are too many children in your care." "I'm sure there's some kind of limit." "These ain't cats, honey, they're kids." "They need someone to take care of them." "It's why the good Lord put me here." "So I can take in all his babies don't nobody else want." "Come here, sweetheart." "Come on, I'm not gonna bite you." "Ha, ha." "You're a blessing." "Mama Kamala is truly blessed to have you." "Yeah." "It's only for a few days." "I'll be okay." "Um, this is my number." "If you have any questions or, you know, if you just want to talk about anything, call me anytime, okay?" "Okey-dokey." "Bye-bye, now." "Rule number one:" "No sitting on the good furniture." "This is the good furniture?" "Rule number two:" "No sass, you hear me?" "Let me look inside that bag." "Give me that bag." "Make sure you ain't got nothing in there that get you in trouble." "Why you standing there eyeballing me?" "Get busy minding them kids." "Hi." "I'm Debbie." "LaRonda." " You ain't getting your bags back." " I know." "And what's your name?" "We want to be completely honest with you, Carl." "We have been looking to adopt a biracial baby for quite some time and when they called about Liam, we were over the moon." "And then the state told us about you." "And we want to try to keep you two together." " So let's give this foursome a try." " Which one are you again?" "I'm Cassius and this is Lanier." "So you guys are gay?" " Yup." " Yes." "Does, like, shit ever get stuck on the tip of your dick?" "Uh..." "Gallagher?" "I was hoping to see Marilyn." "She's been our caseworker the last couple years." "Well, uh, the turnover rate in our field is quite high." "It's really a wonder Marilyn lasted as long as she did." "So how can I help you?" "Give me addresses where the kids were placed." "I told you I can't give out any information about the case until intakes are complete." "Come on, Marilyn always used to give me the info so I know they're okay and can get them stuff like books or clothes or whatever." "That is a clear violation of policy on Marilyn's part." "Hey, I know you think you're helping but as someone who's been in and out of the system I can tell you it's a nightmare." "These kids have a big sister and I just want to make sure they're okay." "So give me something, Britney." "I mean, break a goddamn rule." "I can tell you that I placed two together in one foster home, and the girl in another." "And the two older boys are in a group home." "The one on Hester?" "No, they're in a level-14 on Richmond." "Thanks." "If I can find one family willing to take in all the kids, could they be placed together?" "In theory, yes." "Hey." "Stella been in yet?" " What's with the bag?" " Uh, going fishing for a couple of days." "I heard Stella's pulling a long haul up to Northern Canada." " Hoping to hitch a ride." " Fishing?" " Gonna use your tiny dick as a worm?" " Caught some big whales with this worm." "Yourself included there, Moby." "Hello, Stella." "How are you, sunshine?" " What the hell do you want?" " Oh, you know." "Same as you." "Free pussy and a life on the road." " Could I hitch a ride?" " Where you headed?" "Anywhere but here." " Kill somebody?" " No, no." "But I did bury her." "Could always use some company." "I'll meet you here before I pick up my load." "Couple boilermakers to take the edge off a long haul, eh?" "I don't drink before I drive." "I end up ramming Smart Cars in the ass for shits and giggles." " V?" " Upstairs." "Making a video for one of those do-it-yourself websites online." "Pays $150." "This one's on a high colonic." "Next week, I bleach my exit ramp." " DFS took the kids this morning." " Oh, shit." "Think you could talk to your caseworker about taking them?" " Five Gallaghers in my house?" " Just for a couple days." "A week." "Lip and Ian got placed in a level-14 group home." " Level-14?" " For kids that light their parents on fire or stab them in the face while they're napping." "You're over 21." "Can't they release them to you?" "I'd have to file for guardianship." "Five Gallaghers." "I'm gonna be the lone black dot on a map of Ireland." "You've been in a group home before." "It's always like this?" "No, last place I was in was an actual home." "This is more like a fucking labor camp." "Give me your cash." " What?" " Give me your cash." "Now." "Come on." "Hey, Salvador, check it out, it's that chick from the movie Brave." " He your boyfriend?" " No." "Brother." "I'm Lip." "This is Ian." "Uh, we don't want any trouble, all right?" " Just passing through." " Long as you show respect, gonna be fine." "You're like a fucking cockroach, able to live anywhere and feed off anything." "Lemonade, man." " Jimmy?" " Darker." "Hey." "Talk to your caseworker?" "Unfortunately, yeah." "Two reasons why we can't take in your brood." "The fact that you had a foster child in your home that ran away under your "supervision."" "Technically, the investigation is still pending as to the quality of your care." "The quality of my care?" "Her running away is my fault?" "Oh, you know what?" "Do not get all up in my grill, sister-girl, okay?" "Well, it was worth a shot." "Now what?" "Gotta kick it into high gear." "Figure out where the kids are staying, get the house ready for home inspection." "They're gonna require a fit parent to get the kids back." "I'm hoping to find Monica so I don't have to deal with Frank." "Why does it always come down to Frank?" "Carl, it's dinner time." "Carl!" "Where is that boy?" "Yeah." "Oh, that fucker's going up your ass." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Why don't you get those pants off so I can get in your fucking hole?" " Why do they all have mustaches?" " Out." "Now." "That was an invasion of our privacy and we won't have it." "You are not to touch things that don't belong to you." "Now sit down." " Am I allowed to touch the chair?" " Don't be smart." "What the hell is this?" "Kale, brown rice and tofu." "Your body is a temple, Carl, and you only want to put things in it that are natural." "Like fists?" "I saw it in that movie." "Holes in your backyard have been filled." "Hey, Grandma, it's Fiona." "Gallagher." "Yeah." "Yeah, it's been a while." "Yeah, I was just wondering if you, by any chance, know where my mom might be?" "Your daughter." "Monica." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I figured, but I just thought I'd try." "Okay, thanks." " Now what?" " With no Monica, kind of have no choice." "I gotta find Frank." "Get him sober and ready to appear in court." "He's like my sad-ass Obi-Wan Kenobi." "I can help you with that." "That's a pretty nice offer considering how much of a dick I was to you about your dad." "You're always a dick." "Seriously, I don't mean to be an asshole, it's just genetic." "You're not wrong." "I need to suck it up about my dad being gay." "And a liar." "Yeah, I need to get over it." "And I am." "I'm good." "Silver lining?" "Huh?" "Finally have the house to ourselves." "Sorry, I'm just not feeling it." "You mind if we just lay here?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Sounds nice." " What is this stuff?" " It's pus from your mother's monkey." " Thought you liked the taste of that." " What is your problem, dude?" "Nick, Salvador, find another table." "Come on, chop-chop." "Proof of employment came through, so you go to work." "I need your employer to sign this." "Times in and out, you understand?" "I'm actually pretty excited to get out there, start looking for work." "Nice try, you have court-mandated community service hours you owe." "Only a few." "Then I can start looking for work so I can become a contributing member of our great capitalistic society." "You think you're better than everyone here, don't you?" "Oh, that's..." "That's rhetorical, right?" "I mean, you don't want me to answer that, do you?" "See, I could smack you across the face, but I think it's better I get out your way let life bend you over instead." "Dude thinks he's in an episode of Scared Straight!" " Ethel really fucked up our kid credit." " Yep." "Now we can't even get a foster kid." " Anybody can get a foster kid." " I think it's a sign." "Jerry Sandusky could probably get a foster kid." "Need to step it up in the surrogate department." "We did the baster thing with your mom." "See if it works." "Mama pukes the morning after she gets knocked up." "It was like watching someone take ipecac." "Could set your watch by it." " My super-spermazoa too much for her?" " Spermatozoa." "I don't think it worked." "We need to try something else." "Frank?" "Goddamn it, did you sleep here last night?" "Guilty." "Stella here yet?" "Oh, come on." "I'm not helping you up." "Get up." "As of right now, you are officially on the wagon." "DFS made a surprise appearance, the kids got pulled." " Time for your father-of-the-year act." " Oh, my God." "They all right?" "Tell you what, meet back at the house and we'll get this all settled." "Looks heavy." "Why don't I carry this back to the house?" "But I need it for some errands I'm going to run in a little" "Back at the house now or you'll lose your kids and the welfare checks that come with them." "I go to the house, the city finds Ginger's body, I'm toast." "I found Ginger and I tossed her bones." "You're safe." "Oh." " That's great." " Not for you." "You don't do exactly as I say I'll rat you out about Ginger's checks and your fake disability." "You don't have the balls." "Jesus Christ, I need you to do this." "Can you just do this?" "I'm sorry, did you just say you need me?" "Yes." "I need you to get your shit together and get the kids back." "Well, seeing as how you need something from me maybe I need something from you." "For starters, I'd like to be shown the respect which I deserve." "I believe I'm already doing that." "And this one is non-negotiable, I want free roam of my own house." "Fine." "We're gonna go visit Lip and Ian in the group home." "God knows what they've been dealing with in that shithole." "Then we find your lawyer." "He has a lawyer?" "Don't worry, soon as I steal enough stuff from these guys, we're out of here." "Oh, yeah." "I spent some time here that summer Mom was sent away for knifing a poodle." "Hey, I missed you guys." " How you holding up?" " We're fine." "Place is a joke." " Still serving that rotten porridge?" " He already on the wagon?" " Why do you say that?" " As of right now." "You out on furlough?" "I've gotta work." "He's gotta finish parole hours." " Guys want a lift?" " Gotta get our passes signed by the driver." " You find Debs and the boys?" " Not yet, but I will." " You need anything?" "Cash?" "Clothes?" " No, no, no." "Look." "Don't worry about us." "We're fine." "Worry about him." "Where's my hug?" "I'll wash, you dry." "Grab a cup of Kool-Aid from the table." "Hey, Strawberry Shortcake, get on in here and cut my toenails!" "Okay, take over." "Come on, come on." "I mean, there's just no privacy." "If I wanna jack off, I gotta do it in the bathroom." "Can't even begin to imagine what a pussy you'd be in juvie." "You fuck anyone in there yet?" "God, no." "Wise choice." "Even if you're propositioned, it's probably a setup." "Guys find out if you're gay and pound the shit out of you." "Not in a good way." "Great." "Hey, my dad took my brothers on a run out of town for a couple of days." "You wanna ditch that dump and crash at my place, you can." " Was I just invited to a sleepover?" " Fuck you, is what you were invited to." "Fiona here?" "She's not home." "Are you okay?" "Did your foster parents hurt you?" "No." "We ran away." "You can't stay." "The police will come looking for you." "We're with these gay guys and they keep talking about how they wanna swipe Liam." "You gotta go back." "I know what it's like to have a foster kid run away." " Come on." " But what if they really keep Liam?" "Only reason they would keep him is if they want him." "Be sure they don't." "Be creative." " Can you at least hold some of my stuff?" " What stuff?" "Jesus, Lou." " When did that happen?" " It's not mine." " Get to the point, Frank." " Who's this?" "My daughter." "And her girlfriend." " Who's in trouble?" " DFS snatched my kids." " I need you to get them back." " Catch?" "I have no money and no promise of any coming my way anytime soon." "Okay." "First order of business:" "You need to get your ass to DFS and file a petition to reinstate custody." "You're going to need to dig up that wife." "It's always better to have signatures from two instead of one." " What if we can't find her?" " Find someone that looks like her." "You're going to need her to take parenting classes." "I'm going to go ahead and get the case file and I will see you at the hearing." "In the meantime, no drugs, no booze, no poppy seed bagels." "I need your piss clean and your eyes white." "Thanks for the phone call." "You know how hard it is to find a public phone?" "Ian managed." "Then I had to track your ass through the city." "Sorry, I've been busy." "Molly's mom showed up at my house." " She's still alive?" " Turns out Molly's a runner." " What, you just let her take her?" " Oh, I was supposed to stop her?" "If she ran, it was probably for a good reason, no?" "Or not." "I used to run away all the time when I was little." "My point exactly." "My dad's out of town for a few days and I told Mickey he could have the place." "Can I stay with you?" "I got to play it straight at this group home for a bit." "Maybe I can sneak you in tonight, though?" "Promise I won't get gang raped?" "Nope." "Whatever, I'm in." "Why are you eating candy before dinner?" "Because it says here that dark chocolate has an amino acid that doubles your sperm count." "I didn't read that one, but Mama says asparagus and garlic does the trick, so ta-da." "If I eat all that, my piss is going to stink." "And Mama's bringing over oysters." "But we got to think of a better delivery system than the turkey baster." "Squirt gun." " Kind of messy." " What about a straw?" "Silly straw." " Jacobs." " Here." "And Weston." " Weston!" " Here." "All right, good night you shits of Chicago, pricks of Illinois." "Ha, ha." "Have fun." "How'd you get the private room?" "I made some friends." "This what it's gonna be like when you sneak me into your dorm?" "Little different." "Guessing my dorm mates will be literate." "You are out of your mind." "Have you seen that fucking ponytail?" "It's a powerful ponytail, man." "That's bullshit." "Seagal could totally kick Van Damme's ass." "Unless, unless it's Double Impact Van Damme." "Because that's some Van Double Damme." "Fuck Van Damme." "Are you out of your fucking mind?" "Kev is just going to lie with you for procreation, not sex." " What is the difference?" " It's clinical so no one enjoys it." "Millions of sperm died in that turkey baster." "This will deliver the biggest batch." "The bigger the batch, the better the chance." "Uh-uh." "No, honey, this is an express bus to The Maury Povich Show." "I want nothing more than to be able to give you the baby that I know you want and the grandbaby that you deserve." "But I can't." "And it kills me." "Please, just give it a go while you're still ovulating." "What kind of hard liquor you got and how much?" "Damn, it's hot up here." "That's because heat rises." "Then how come space is so cold?" "I got it." "Who's at the door?" " Hey, uh..." " Who's at the door?" " No, Frank, no." " Wait." " You" " First of all, get out." "Get out!" " Just hear me out." " You are not allowed in here." "Get out." " DFS pinched my kids." "I need you to pretend to be Monica to help me get them back." "What?" "No, no." "Why should I do anything for you?" " You left Hiram all alone." " I am begging you." "As someone who knows what it feels like to lose a kid." "Karen ran away." "Can you imagine what it must feel like to have them taken from you?" "This isn't for Frank, okay?" "It's for Debbie and Carl and Liam." "Maybe you should do it, Shelly Bear." "For the kids." "Give it up, Kev." "You can't make it dark enough to deny what's about to happen in here." "I wish I was drunk as you." "No, I can't risk the whiskey dick." "Okay, let's get this going." " Ha, ha." " Shh." "Knock it off, Mama." "Wait, wait, wait." "What's with the KKK costume?" "I saw them use something like this at that super Jew-y wedding I went to last year." "It keeps the skin from touching, a barrier." "I feel like a ghost prostitute." "You know, like that Jennifer Love Hewitt show, you seen that?" "Where she's, like, a call girl for ghosts or some shit." " That's two different shows." " You two ready?" "Get me get the hell out of here first." "I can't watch this part." "You okay out there?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "How are you?" " You need any help?" " No, I'm fine." "I'm done." "Thank you for asking, though." "Why she didn't cut me a mouth hole?" "How am I supposed to--?" "Whoa, hello!" "Ooh, ooh!" "Looks like I got a visitor down there." "Ha, ha." "Damn it!" "Ding, dong, ditch." "Somebody rang my bell, then ran away." "Feel like I'm fucking Casper." "Hey, you know, it's" " It's" "It's getting seriously hard to breathe under here." " Can I take this off my face?" " No!" "No." "Can you dump Frank at DFS?" "I gotta drop some stuff off for Carl." "Not a problem." "Let's go, Frank." "Showtime." "Been a while since I've been in." "Maybe I need a new picture." "We had a bad meth run last year and you know what that stuff can do to you." "They've got a website and everything." "Well, now that you've filed your petition to reinstate custody we'll need you to sign up for parenting classes." " Parenting classes?" " Good." "Also, there may be some random drug tests and we'll need to set up a home visit prior to the possible release of the children." "So I will get the class registration." "I'll be right back." "Fucking big brother." "I don't want any goddamn parenting class." "What are they?" "You sit in a room and they lecture you on how to be Ozzie and Harriet." "I was thinking maybe I could figure out where I went wrong with Karen." "Kids come pre-wired." "It has nothing to do with your parenting." "I pretty much like being a blond." "I feel like cotton candy." "Hi, uh, my name's Fiona Gallagher." "I'm here to visit Debbie." " She here?" " You her mother?" "Sister." "I just want to say hi." "May I see her?" "I just want to talk to her." "Hey!" "Do all your talking out here." "I'm gonna need her back in 15 for chores." "You okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "There a million kids in there?" "Just a few, but they're really nice." "And Kamala's not so bad." "Bed's pretty comfortable and there's hot water." "I brought you some books and clothes." " Do you need any money?" " Nope, I'm good." "When do you think we can go back home?" "Soon." "Real soon." "I brought you some Hershey's Kisses too." "These were like gold when I was in my first foster home." "Thanks." "Hey, I got your brother's working papers for today." " Great, I'll give them to him." "Thanks." " Where is he?" "Uh, latrine." "He's been there most of the night." "Turns out eating diarrhea can actually give you diarrhea, so..." "Signed." "In and out." "And I better see him at lights out." "That's it, Liam." "Big circles." "Please, come in." " Carl, Liam!" "You have a visitor." " Hi there." "I'm Lanier." " Hey, Fiona Gallagher." " Fiona." "Hey, look at you two." "Hey." "Wow, you look so clean." "Yeah, they make us take baths every night." "They have this toilet that cleans your bits." "A bidet." "Sometimes in the summer we use a wacky lawn sprinkler for that." "But we got to watch the spinning arms." "We got to watch the spinning arms." "Please, come." "Have a seat." "It's nice to see that the boys have someone who loves them." "We're glad you came." "But just to make it clear, we have filed the paperwork to adopt Liam." "And we're seriously considering adopting Carl too." "But know that we would love for you to stay in contact and visit often." "We think it's important for the boys to know where they come from." "Why is my seat wet?" "Oh, no, Liam." "Did you pee on the couch again?" "Was that you?" " And the wall too?" " Liam, that is a matte finish!" " How the hell are we going to get that out?" " It's paint, I can touch it up." "Now, which color is that now, Summer Shadow?" "He's just a baby." "He didn't mean it." "Babies are just so messy." " Did you do that?" "Did you do that?" " I did it." "All right, I got to get to work." "All right, just give me a minute, okay?" "Want to do the honors?" " Is that a rosary for giants?" " No." "No, man, they're" " They're Ben Wa beads." "You shove them in my ass and you pull them out real slow." " How is that fun for me?" " Come on." "All right, okay." "Just easy on the injured cheek." " I'll go on the other one, all right?" "Relax." " Yeah." " Shit!" " What the fuck?" "Dad, Dad, hold on." "Hold on." "Mandy wasn't enough for you?" "You sick piece of shit." "Get the fuck off him!" "No son of mine is going to be a goddamn AIDS monkey." "Sit your ass down, fucking ass-digger." "Jeez." "It's Terry." "Send over the Russian." "Okay, role play." "All right." "Monica, Frank." "Okay, Monica, you play the teenage daughter." "And Frank, you be the father disciplining her for staying out after curfew." "Um, where the hell were you so late?" "I was fucking Mom's boyfriend." "What do you care?" "You're nothing but a little tramp." "Just like your mother." "You know what?" "If you weren't stealing from her" "Bitch gave me herpes." "As far as I'm concerned, I deserve every dime." "She fucking well did too." "How was that?" "That one." "She's going to fuck the faggot out of you, kid." "Ride him till he likes it, suka." "And you're goddamn gonna watch." " How many more times?" " Until we complete the mission." "Now, come on, baby." "You're Luke Skywalker and it's up to you to shoot one in and destroy the Death Star." "Okay." "Where's the sheet?" "No." "No, I couldn't breathe last time." "Well, we got to put a Guantanamo hood on her." " I don't know why I can't drink." " Shut up." "It's hard for all of us, so both of you shut up." "Now, everyone, get in your positions." "Come on, man." "Don't do this, you piece of shit." "You get hard when you smell pork chops." "Yelling at it is not gonna help." "Come here." " Come on, you piece of shit!" " Ow, ow, ow!" "Baby, you can't do that." "You're gonna build calluses, I won't feel dick." " Right now no one's feeling dick." " You think this is easy?" "It's all my fault." "You can't make the little soldier salute if he doesn't see an officer in the room." "I've lost all my stripes." "Mama, this is not about you losing anything." "It's really me." "I'm under a lot of pressure." " It's all me, Mama." " I haven't had a date in months." "I'm old and fat and unattractive and I'm gonna die alone." "No, you're not." "Well, this is not helping me get hard." "It's like when a plane goes down, what do they call that?" "Shitty?" "No, it's never just one thing that causes it." "It's a chain reaction." "Cascading failures." "That's what this feels like." "Losing my job, losing the kids, dealing with Frank." "Someone recently told me to stop whining and feeling sorry for myself." "She sounds like a bitch." "Well, she has her moments." "Legally and morally there are acceptable methods of punishment for children versus unacceptable methods." "Uh, I'm sorry." "Um, just hypothetically, if one's teenage daughter gave birth to a baby with Down syndrome and then took off relieving her of all responsibility, if and when she should come back would you recommend grounding or in that instance would a firm spanking be more..." "You know, before we take any more questions, let's just go over some of..." "Give me a Valium." "No, I only have one and it's my safety net in case my hypnotherapy doesn't work." "Hypnotherapy is just paying to nap in someone's office." "Give me the pill." " It'll show up in your urine test." " Give me the goddamn pill." "What's the matter with you?" "Okay, come on." "Here." "Christ." "How is she still ovulating?" "What, is she part bovine?" "Shh." "Focus on me." "Now, you're gonna pretend like you're in high school and you're going to come quickly like a rabbit, okay?" " Yeah." " No, not that quick." "Mama, get in here!" " Not there, honey, no." " Sorry, sorry, sorry." " You got a shoehorn or something?" " Can you not talk, please?" "Don't say a word." "Are you crying?" "Oh, God, she's crying." "Please don't cry." "I'm sorry, okay?" "I'm sorry, Mama." "Okay!" "We're gonna do this shit, and we're gonna be done with it." "Kev, get that dick hard." "Mama, wipe your tears and focus." "We need to give those little spermies someplace happy to swim to." "Lay down." "Mama, get on it." "Hi." "I'm Monica." "What's your name?" "Frank, wasn't the last time I had to pee in a cup when I was pregnant with Liam?" "Remember that?" "It was just like yesterday." "Oh." "Uh, sorry, the shower ran out of hot water." "Mama, you want Kevin to take you home?" "He can't drive with that leg." "No, but he can get you home in a taxi." "It's the least we can do." "Let me get my bag." " Hey, Carol." " Hey, Fiona." "Any work at the salon?" "Uh, not right now, baby, but I'll keep you in mind." "Thanks." " What was she doing here so early?" " She slept over after she and Kevin had sex." " What?" " Mama's the best surrogate we got." "Turkey baster didn't work, we had to do it the old-fashioned way." "Jesus, V, I'm so wrapped up in my own pity party I had no idea what kind of biblical shit you had going on here." " You okay?" " If it works, I'll be fine." " How's Frank doing in rehab?" " So far he seems to be holding it together." "Heading over to DFS now, make sure he got all the paperwork in." "What's with the asparagus?" "Know how Popeye gets all big and strong when he eats his spinach?" "That's what asparagus does for sperm." "Hmm." " You again." " Me again." "Just wanted to make sure Frank showed up and all our paperwork was good." "He did." "He passed his urine test with flying colors." "And, yes, your paperwork is all set." "So now we just wait for a hearing?" "You've done good, Fiona." "You are a great sister and those kids are lucky to have you." "How did we show up on DFS radar?" "It was an anonymous phone call, actually." "Bet it was that bitch we turned away from daycare because her kid stunk." "Um, no." " It was a man, actually." " A man?" "It's never a man." "Men don't give a shit." "How is it fair that someone can make a call and completely ruin our lives and they get to be anonymous?" "I have to go to the restroom." "I'd appreciate it if you didn't click on this file while I'm gone." "Yes, hello, I would like to report a negligent situation." "2119 North Wallace." "Gallagher." "And what's the situation?" "Six kids living in squalor." "No parental supervision." "When the father is there, he's drunk." "He hits them." "Not that they don't deserve it." "They're all criminals, delinquents, vile" "Excuse me, sir." "Could you give me your name, please?" "I would like to remain anonymous." "Thanks for bringing this to our attention." "No, thank you, and God bless you."