"I finished cleaning the living room, master." "Now, be careful, Jeannie." "This is my painting arm." "Oh, you finished the living room." "Sorry." "Ten seconds." "Wonderful." "Well, my cousin Marilla could do it in six." "Oh, that's all right, Jeannie." "I'm very happy with you just the way you are." "Oh, thank you, master." "Oh, your picture is beautiful." " You really think so?" " Oh, yes." "Where will you hang it?" "Well, I'm not gonna hang it anyplace, Jeannie." "Well, then why are you painting it?" "Well, all the astronauts are doing paintings for the Air Force benefit show." "They're gonna auction them off." "Yours will be the best." "I hardly think so." "We have some very good Sunday painters." "There we are." "I don't think that's any competition for Rembrandt." "Here's the original." "I just hope the critics don't laugh." "You know, he was a wonderful painter." "I just wish I could paint like him." "Oh, I have the strangest feeling, master." "Oh?" "Of what?" "I think the critics are going to love your painting." " Good morning, Michelangelo." " Rembrandt." "Michelangelo, Rembrandt." "If you've seen one, you've seen them all." " How do you like it?" " Well, I don't know." "It's a pleasant, little entry." "I'd like to see more greys and blues." "Well, the reason I didn't put the greys and blues" "What am I discussing this with you for?" "You don't know the difference between a Michelangelo and a Rembrandt." "Well, I may not know art, but I know what I like." "This is my little entry over here." "How do you like it?" "Get over here in the light." "Right there." "Now, what do you think?" " What is it?" " It's an abstract." "And I bet my painting brings a bigger price than your painting." "Yeah, I know this is for charity, Roger, but that's ridiculous." "Well, we'll let our public decide, okay?" " Good morning, gentlemen." " Good morning, sir." "Well, I see you brought your paintings in." "Oh, don't let me disturb you, major." "This is Major Nelson's painting here, sir, and this is" "Not bad." "Not bad at all." "I think I would've liked to have seen more greys and blues." "This is my little entry, sir." "It's nothing really." " Just a little" " Oh, you're wrong, major." " Do you really like it?" " Oh, definitely." "I'd say it was a triumph of matter over mind." "Well, I'll see you gentlemen at the auction." "Yes." "Matter over mind." "I don't know." "Hey, it must be even greater than I thought." "Oh, boy!" "Rembrandt." "Well, I'll see you at the auction, okay?" "All right, Roge." " Hello." " Goodbye." " But I just got here." " And you're just leaving." "Now, go home." "But I wanna see your painting auctioned off." "The last auction I went to was in Mesopotamia and they were selling slaves, and it was so exciting!" "Now, Jeannie, we're not selling slaves." "This is not a professional auction." "We're just amateurs, you understand?" "No, if any of our paintings sell for more than $100, it'll be a miracle." "I think your painting is worth far more than $100, master." " You're prejudice." " A little." "I am very fond of Rembrandt." "Well, I'm hardly a Rembrandt." "Now, you better go home and finish your housecleaning." "Oh, but I have finished cleaning the house." " Thirty-seven seconds." " Thirty-seven seconds?" "No kidding?" "Well, that's a record." "But, see, I can't have you around here, Jeannie." "Why don't you go out to lunch, someplace." "Oh, well, all right." "I know a wonderful restaurant in Atlantis." " Don't get wet." " I won't." " Goodbye, master." " Bye." "I think you are going to enjoy your auction." "General Peterson asked me to express his appreciation to you for coming down here and helping us with our auction." "We're very fortunate in having two of the foremost art experts in the world here." "It's all in the name of charity, Dr. Bellows." "Yes, indeed." "Sweet charity." "Where would you like me to put this, sir?" "Here, let me see it." " Not bad." " Do you really like it, sir?" "The frame." "The thing in it?" "Why don't you hang it on the wall over there, major." "Yes, sir." "Amateur." "Oh, excuse me." "Well, now, I think we'd better get this auction started." "Oh, I hope I'm not late, sir." "No, no, no." "We're just about ready to begin." "Now, this is Major Nelson." " Dr. Van Weesen." " How do you do?" " I am Dean Geller." " How do you do, sir?" "A pleasure." " Where do I put this, sir?" " Well, anywhere over there." "Another abstract?" "Oh, no, no, no." "This is a copy of a Rembrandt." "The amateurish quality comes through, of course." "Of course." "Anyone can see that..." "Second-rate." "Very second-rate." "Yes." "It is definitely second-rate." "Well, I'll just hang it up over here." " Let me help you." " I'll take care of it for the major." " No, that's quite unnecessary." " Allow me." " I do know how to hang a picture." " Please, allow me." " I'm sorry to insist" " Gentlemen." "I'm afraid they're very nice, aren't they?" "How would you like to be our auctioneer, major?" "Me, sir?" "Well, I don't really know anything about it." "Oh, there's nothing to it." "You find a few kind words to say about each painting." "You may have to lie a little, but" " And then you get the bidding started." " I'll give it a try if you want me to." " Thank you." " Right over here?" "Yes, right there." "You know, this isn't just a copy of a Rembrandt." "It looks to me like a deliberate forgery." "And not a very clever one." "The brush strokes are all wrong." "And the frame, new." "And everyone knows that the original of this painting is hanging in the Louvre." "Still, it would be nice to have as a conversation piece." "Yes, wouldn't it?" "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?" "I'd like to start the auction now, and bear with me." "I'm kind of new at this." "Our first painting of the day is by Major Davis." "Major Davis." "Pretty little thing, isn't it, huh?" "I'll start the bidding off today with a bid for $50." " Fifty dollars." "Do I hear sixty?" " Sixty." "Sixty dollars." "Thank you very much, sir." "Do I hear 70?" " Seventy." " Seventy dollars!" "Do I hear 100?" " Seventy-five!" " Seventy-five." "Seventy-five." "Do I hear 80?" "Eighty." "Seventy-five." "Seventy-five going once." "Seventy-five going twice." "Seventy-five going thrice." "Sold to the lucky gentleman over there." "Take the picture to him, Roger." "The next painting for the day is by Major Roger Healey." "Roger." "This is a perfect example of the neo-primitive school." "Neo-primitive school?" "I'm so enthusiastic about it that I'm gonna start the bidding myself for $50." "Do I hear 100?" "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the kind of painting that goes well in any room in the house." "Do I hear 90?" "Please, ladies and gentlemen." "You are missing the bargain of the day." "An original painting by Major Roger Healey." "Sixty?" "Fifty-five?" "Oh, come on now, 55." "Well, guess who just bought the painting." "Let that be a lesson to all of you." "Thank you, Roger." "You just bought yourself an original Roger Healey." "Now, let me see." "Oh, the next one" "The third painting is..." "This, as you can see, is a copy of a Rembrandt and I should know." "I painted it myself." "Well!" "Now, who'd like to start the bidding" "I'll bid $10." "Ten dollars." "Thank you very much, sir." "Ten dollars." "Do I hear $10.50?" " Twenty dollars." " Twenty dollars." " Twenty." "Do I hear 21?" " One hundred dollars." "A hundred?" "A hundred!" "Well, thank you very much, sir." "These two art critics know a great masterpiece when they see one." "One hundred dollars, going once, going twice" " Five hundred." " Five hundred?" "Well, I" " One thousand dollars." " One thou" " Now, see, I have a bid" " Five thousand!" " Ten thousand dollars." "You're bidding 10,000 for that?" " Fifty thousand dollars." " Fifty thousand dollars?" "One hundred thousand dollars." "Now, wait." "No, sir, no, gentlemen, please." "I don't think you quite understand." "This is not an original Rembrandt." " I painted it myself." " Two hundred thousand dollars." "Two hundred thousand-?" "That's certainly very generous of you gentlemen." "I had no idea you were that interested in the Air Force Benevolent Fund." "Three hundred thousand dollars." "And that is my highest price." "Three hundred thousand?" "Take it." "This painting is going for $300,000 once, $300,000 twice going thrice!" "Well, congratulations." "Your painting brought more than my painting and you nosed me out by $299,950." "I don't know what happened, Roge." "The people just went crazy." "Three hundred thousand dollars." "Well, maybe they figured because it was for a charity..." " ... they could use it as a tax write-off." " Maybe that's it." "Hey, where are you gonna hang my painting?" " I don't know." "I haven't decided yet." " Treat it gently, won't you?" "Come in." " Major Nelson?" " Yes." "Dr. Bellows would like to see you in the laboratory right away." " Thank you very much." " My pleasure, major." "I'd like to see her in a laboratory." "I wonder what Dr. Bellows wants." "Probably painting lessons." "Very interesting, that." "You see?" "Come in." "Oh, pardon me." " You want to see me, doctor?" " I certainly do, major." "Would you mind turning the lights on, please." "Oh, yeah." "There's no doubt about it." "This is a genuine Rembrandt." "Oh, no, sir." "That's a genuine Anthony Nelson." " Believe me." "I painted it myself." " Oh, did you, major?" "Then perhaps you'd mind telling me where you got canvas 300 years old?" "Oh, well, I didn't know it was that old." "I just found it lying around the garage." "This pigment is at least 300 years old." "Can you explain that, major?" "Well, really there's nothing to explain, sir." "The art dealer sold me a bunch of old pigment." "I think you gentlemen are making a ridiculous mistake." "Major Nelson I am perhaps the world's foremost authority on Rembrandt." "Harmenszoon van Rijn." "His brush strokes are as familiar to me as my wife's face." "I don't know about your wife's face, but those brush strokes are mine." "Besides, isn't the original hanging in the Louvre?" "We thought that it was." "The one in the Louvre must be a fake." "There is no question about the authenticity of this painting." "Are you beginning to get the picture, major?" "But, sir, I don't know anything about art." "I just know what I painted." "Now, look, if you'll just go look at the bottom right-hand corner of this that you'll see that Rembrandt has signed it: " Rembrandt. "" "Jeannie..." " Harmenszoon." " Yeah." "Now, major, you're going to tell us where you got this painting." " Well, I'm afraid I can't, sir." " And I'm afraid you'll have to." "You see, major, if you painted this picture and signed it Rembrandt and sold it you're guilty of conspiracy and grand larceny." "On the other hand, if you didn't paint it and it's the original Rembrandt that was hanging in the Louvre..." " ... then you're guilty of theft." " And grand larceny." "And grand larceny." "I can't wait to hear what your choice is." "Jeannie!" "Jeannie!" "This is your master calling, Jeannie." "Where are you?" "Hi, Jeannie." "Hello." " What are you doing?" " I am painting a van Gogh." "Isn't Rembrandt good enough for you?" " Did the auction go well, master?" " Oh, no, it went great." "I can't tell you what a sensation my painting caused." "Oh, I am glad." " What did you get for it?" " About 30 years." " I do not understand." " Jeannie, it's against the law to go around painting original Rembrandts." "But why?" "He painted so beautifully." "Because they're gonna put me in jail for it." "Dr. Bellows has given me until tomorrow morning to explain that painting and I couldn't explain it in a million years." "I am sorry, but I only did it because" "Well, because you said you wished you could paint as well as Rembrandt." "Will you stop listening to me?" "Tony?" " Tony!" " I'm up here, Roger." "Hi, Jeannie." "Hi, Tony." "Hey, I just figured out what must've happened." "Look, you painted the picture, Jeannie blinked and turned it..." " ... into the real thing." " Brilliant!" "From now on, we'll call you Rembrandt." "Oh, Roger!" "That's about as funny as a court martial." "And that's exactly what's gonna happen to me if I don't explain that thing by tomorrow morning." "Why don't you tell him the truth?" "That's always the best thing." "Just tell them that Jeannie" "Court martial?" "Well, look, why don't you have Jeannie paint another Rembrandt, and then everyone'll be confused." "I will be happy to." "No." "I'd still be in trouble." "Why don't you have somebody say the picture's a fake." "Well, I thought of that." "It wouldn't work." "How do you know it will not work?" "Because Dr. Bellows is flying over Pierre Millay from Paris." " Pierre Millay?" "No kidding?" " Yeah." "Yeah!" "Who's he?" "Pierre Millay is the art expert at the Louvre." "He's the world's foremost expert on art." "Oh, boy." "Well, the world is gaining a Rembrandt but losing an astronaut." "Are you standing there, telling me Major Nelson painted a Rembrandt?" "Well, of course he didn't really paint it, general." "He pretended to." "But I have two art experts who swear that it's genuine." "Art experts have been known to make mistakes." "Oh, I'm aware of that, sir." "So I've taken the liberty of flying in the greatest art expert in the world:" "Pierre Millay, from the Louvre." "And if he says it's genuine?" "Then Major Nelson will have to explain why he has a stolen Rembrandt." "And once he does that, then I think we can make him explain a lot of other mysterious things that have been happening around here." "I've waited a long time for this day, general." " Major Nelson." " Yes, sir." "Monsieur Millay will be here any minute." "Shall we go?" "I don't think it'll be necessary, sir." "There's something I want to tell you." "I'm sure there is." "But I don't want to hear it." " You don't want to hear it?" " That's right, major." "This time you're gonna make your explanation in front of General Peterson." " I want him to hear it." " But, sir, really" "Major, the general is waiting." "I want you to know I don't believe a word of this, Tony." "But since Dr. Bellows is making an issue of it it's my duty to get to the bottom of it." "I understand, sir, and there's no point in waiting for Mr. Millay any longer." "I may as well tell you that, well, this painting" "Monsieur Millay!" "You must be Dr. Bellows." "Yes." "How kind of you to come all this way." "As you Americans say, the wild horses could not keep me away." " This is General Peterson." " How do you do?" " Monsieur." " And this is Major Anthony Nelson..." " Monsieur." " ... alias, Rembrandt." "But if this is a joke, I do not understand it." "Oh, you will, Monsieur Millay." "You will." "Are you ready to make your confession now, major?" "I may as well, sir." "You see, this picture is really a" "A fake." " What did you say?" " It is a fake." "A fraud." "How you say?" "A phony." "Are you trying to tell us that this is not a genuine Rembrandt?" "That is what I am saying." "But I have two experts who say it's genuine." "And I I, who am the greatest art expert in the world I tell you it is a fake." "A child could see it like this." "This could have been painted by him." "Oh, yes." "As a matter of fact, it was." " Doctor." " Yes, general." "I've done it again." "Since you said all the time that you painted it and since the money was for charity, there's no fraud involved." "Do you agree with me, Dr. Bellows?" "Well, I..." "Yes, general." "I think there's something you'd like to say to Major Nelson, isn't there?" "I..." "I apologize, major." "Oh, that's all right, sir." "Everybody makes mistakes." "And some of us make more than others." "I'm sorry you had to come all this way for nothing, Monsieur Millay." "But it was not for nothing, monsieur." "Here is my bill." "Five hundred dollars?" "Make the check out to your favourite charity." "Why, yes, doctor." "You could make your personal donation to the Air Force Benevolent Fund." " Oh, but, general, I" " I'll see you in my office, immediately." " Did I do well, master?" " Oh, Jeannie!" "You were wonderful." " I'm glad you're pleased." " I'm just sorry for poor Dr. Bellows." "Now, you pop out of here and go home." "I'm gonna take you out tonight, and we're gonna celebrate." "That would be wonderful, master." "I'll bet I could've been a pretty good painter at that." "Pardon." "Could you help me, please?" "I am looking for the office of Dr. Bellows." "Oh, certainly." "Make a left turn at the end of the corridor..." " ... and it's the first door on the right." " Merci." "Hey, hey!" "Come in here." "I can't have you wandering around these halls." " I want you to go home." " You want me to go home?" "Take off your beard, and put on your prettiest dress." "Take off my beard and get into my prettiest dress?" " You and I are going dancing tonight." " Hey, monsieur." "Oh, and drop the phony accent." "I'm amazed you got away with it." "That art expert act of yours was one of the best I've ever seen." "I wish I had a picture of the expression on their face" "Welcome to America, Mr. Millay." " Can I take your hat, sir?" " Major Nelson, I" "You still here?" "Still here?" "But I just got here." "And there was no one to meet me at the airport." "Oh, that's too bad, but I'll see to it that someone takes you out to the airport to catch the next plane back to France." "Catch the next plane back to France?" "But I flew 3000 miles in order to see our genuine Rembrandt." "I'm sorry we had to disappoint you, sir." "If you want my candid opinion, Monsieur Millay as an art critic, you're highly overrated." "Carl was right." "All Americans are crazy!" "I go home!" "Monsieur." "Art expert." "Well, at least he can tell a phony Rembrandt when he sees one." "Oh, there's one thing that's been bothering me, Major Nelson." "Yes, just before we went in to see General Peterson you were about to make a confession." "Oh, yes." "And I was just wondering what it was." "Oh!" "Yes." "I just wanted to tell you that" "Yes?" "Yes?" "I didn't think I'd ever really be a Rembrandt." "And then when I said I wanted to dance with him, he turned white." "Oh, I don't blame him." "You're a terrible dancer." "Oh, poor Dr. Bellows." "They are sending him away for a long rest." "Well, I think he deserves a rest." "Hey, have you decided where you're going to hang my painting yet?" " Yeah." "Right there." " Right there?" "Right where?" "Jeannie." "Oh, very funny." "Well, I still don't know why no one bid on my picture." "Oh, perhaps they are not yet ready for you, Major Healey." "Well, maybe you're right." "I really enjoyed painting that picture." "It was the most relaxing thing I ever did." "Then you must paint more often, master." "Yeah, but it looks so easy." "I wish I knew how Rembrandt did it."