"This is the world... 196 million square miles." "If I covered 100 square miles an hour, every hour for the rest of my life," "I'd still only see half of it." "This is the left nostril of my brother, Reese." "It squeaks all night long." "These are the freezing cold feet of my little brother, Dewey." "This is my oldest brother, Francis." "He's the one I really like, so, of course, he got sent to military school." "My name is Malcolm." "You wanna know what the best thing about childhood is?" "At some point it stops." "Yes, no, maybe" "I don't know Can you repeat the question?" "You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big" "You're not the boss of me now" "You're not the boss of me now" "You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big" "Life is unfair" "Malcolm, Reese, Dewey, get out here!" "I can't tell you" "Who to sock it to" "Who to sock it to" " Stop!" " I'm not touching you!" "There are two waffles." "One of you has to have cereal." "Give me one!" "It's mine!" "Come on!" "Give it!" "You cheated!" "Give it!" "Give it!" "Huh, look at this." "They're sending an unmanned probe to Venus and letting a bunch of schoolchildren name it." "That's gonna end badly." "They do this every month." "He has sensitive skin." "The hair gets itchy under his clothes." "It always seems like such a shame to dump this in the trash." "Maybe birds would like to make nests with it or you boys could use it for school projects." "Arms up." "Dude." "Malcolm, come right home from school." "I made a play date for you with Stevie Kenarban." "What?" "Mom, no!" " Malcolm has a play date?" " Shut up, Reese!" "With Stevie "The Wheelie" Kenarban?" "Oh, man!" "Why is playing a problem for you?" "First off, I don't even know Stevie." "His mother said you boys ate lunch together." "One time." "He rolled his wheelchair over next to me." "It's not like I could say, "Go away."" "He's not even in my class." "He's in the Krelboyne class in the trailer next to tetherball." "You listen to me, young man." "That one lunch obviously meant a lot to Stevie." "He's a human being with human feelings." "You're going to be friends with that crippled boy and like it." "Understood?" "Yes, ma'am." "Understood." "If I give up now, I won't get the lecture." " You kids..." " Dang." "You take your legs for granted like nothing could ever happen to them." "That is just wishful thinking." "There's meningitis." "There are car accidents." "I could be spanking you and accidently snap your spinal cord." "Every day is a lottery." "First prize is you don't have to scoot around town on a skateboard with your hands." "You think about that." "I don't take my legs for granted, Mom." "I know, honey." "You're a good boy." "Stop playing with yourself." " Stop pushing me!" " I'm not!" " Shut up!" " Go on, just go." " Don't touch me!" " Wait, wait." "Okay, okay!" "Okay, I ran out of ham." "One of you has to have egg salad." "And don't ditch your little brother." "I don't want him getting kidnapped." "Yeah, Mom, that would be terrible." "It's your turn to walk with him." "I did it yesterday and the day before." "I walked with him when he wet his pants." "Okay." "Mom said to hold hands." "She did not say to hold hands, Dewey." "I'm not holding hands." " Come on, hold hands." "Please?" " No!" "You're in the first grade." "You're too big for that." "Look, I'm walking right next to you." "You'll be fine." "Damn it!" "This is why everyone teases you." " Hey, Malcolm." " Hey, Richard." "So my mom was telling my dad last night about your brother." "She said he's in jail." "He's not in jail." "He's at Marlin Academy." "It's, like, one of the best private schools in the country." "And it's totally unfair." "Everyone acts like Francis is just this big troublemaker and he's not." "Dad, I know what you're going to say, and believe me, I totally agree with you." "There is no excuse for what I did." "It was idiotic, immature, totally reckless and I'm really sorry." "I'm hoping against hope that you will give me another chance, which, I admit I don't deserve, but if you could just find it in your heart to forgive me," "I know I could earn your trust back." "It's not like it was even our car." "Spath, Spath, Spath!" "All right, here's how it works." "You can beg for mercy on your belly, lick the bottom of my shoes or take a beating." "You must pick at least two, but... but, but, if you pick three," "you get a pass for the next two weeks." "All right?" "Now, that's your best value." "Dave Spath." "He never gets sent anywhere." " What do you do if he catches you?" " Roll in a ball." " If he starts to kick you?" " Stay in a ball." "Okay." "Come on." " Yeah, fight!" " Wait." "Never mind." "Those of you finished with your paints may bring your work up here and start on your charcoal still lifes." "Take two pieces of fruit only, and please be careful with them." "I bought them with my own money." "My own money." "God, Malcolm, that's so good." "Oh, Malcolm, this is wonderful." "The perspective is good." "The composition is clean." "And it even shows signs of actual technique." "I have to say this is the high point of my day." "How's that for sad?" " Are you okay?" " Yeah, I'm fine." " Malcolm." " What?" "They need to see you in the office." "Okay." "I think they mean right now." "Okay." "Get up, Malcolm." "Hi." "I'm Caroline." "Want to have a seat?" " Are you Malcolm?" " Yes, and I didn't do anything." "You're not in trouble, Malcolm." "You're here 'cause some of your teachers think..." "You know what?" "I just wanna play some games with you." " Puzzles, stuff like that." " Why?" "Boy, oh, boy!" "You are a suspicious little dickens, aren't you?" "Now, you can look at this picture for 60 seconds, and I want you to tell me everything that's wrong with it, okay?" " The man only has four fingers." " Right." "But this time I want you to take your time and really look..." "The shadow's going the wrong way, the steering wheel's on the wrong side, there are no brakes, the words in the mirror aren't backwards, the guy's watch wouldn't say 12:00 if he's looking at a sunset," "and I have red paint on my ass." "That's right." "Red paint all over my ass!" "These are good cookies." "Yeah... they're good." "So what can you do?" "I mean, what do you want to do?" "I know... a joke." "Yeah?" "Okay." "A guy... goes into... a bar and he... has a frog on his..." "Frog on his head." "And the... bartender..." "Wait, I screwed up." "A frog goes into... a bar." "You want to watch TV?" "Can't." "Not allowed." "What?" "You mean, ever?" "Mom says..." "TV makes you... stupid." "No, TV makes you normal." "How can they do that?" "He's in a wheelchair." "So what do you do all day, homework?" "Mostly... read... comics." "You have comic books?" "Whoa!" "You really have Youngblood, number one?" "Want to... read it?" "No way." "I'd wreck it." "Oh... did you read the last Savage Dragon when they split him in two?" "Yeah." "Brilliant." "I like how he never has to learn a lesson or anything." "He just gets to pound on everyone." "You're under galactic arrest." " Think again, space flatfoot." " You can't escape." "Saturday morning is the only thing my family does better than anyone else." "Damn!" "You boys, you keep this house clean till your dad comes home." "Two of you can have slices of pizza for lunch." "The other one can have..." "I don't know." "I think they're peas." "Somebody get that." " Not it." " Not it." "Hello." " Young Master Malcolm." " Francis, hi." "Hey, man, I wrote you guys a really long letter yesterday, but they only gave me three minutes so put the special prosecutor on." "Mom, it's Francis." " Hey, Francis, how's school?" " Couldn't be better, Mom." "My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday, so between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homoeroticism" "I think I'm starting to turn around." "Honey, it's only until summer." "Come on." "Push it!" "Give it up, prom date." "Yeah, listen, I know I shouldn't ask, but would you send me my allowance a couple of weeks early 'cause I kind...?" "Oh, my God!" "Are you smoking?" " What?" " I can hear you..." " You're smoking, aren't you?" " Mom, I'm not smoking." "Geez." "After seeing what your father and I went through to quit, didn't any of that register with you?" "Okay, listen." "I'll talk to your dad." "Maybe we can send you part of it." "Honey, I have to go." "I'm late for work." "I'll call you later." "Okay, thanks, Mom." "I love you." "I love you." "Somebody get the door!" "I'm not getting it." "You get it, buttmunch." " Shut up." " You shut up." " No, you shut up." " Make me!" "I'll make you right now!" "You'd better not be fighting in there, Reese, Malcolm!" " Not my face." " I said, you better not be fighting!" "For crying out loud!" "Reese!" "Malcolm!" "Yes." "Can I help you?" "My good..." "Hi." "Hel... hello." "I'm..." "Are you...?" "I'm..." "Caroline Miller from Malcolm's school." "I sent you some letters and left some messages on your answering machine." "You caught me." "What do you want?" "Well, it's been three weeks and you haven't responded, and it's really important, for Malcolm's sake, that the parents be as involved in..." "So you're here to insult my parenting skills?" "No." "I'm sure you're a terrific parent." "Who's the baby now?" "I'm here because I think that there is a tremendous opportunity for..." "Could you maybe put a top on?" "They're boobs." "You see them in the mirror every day." "I'm sure yours are nicer than mine." " That's not..." " Let me tell you something." "The reason I didn't respond is because it is a load of crap." "What?" "You are not sticking my Malcolm in some special ed class." "What is it with you people?" "Why do you have to label everybody?" "Malcolm may be a little strange and, I know, I know, he never shuts up, but he is not disturbed." " You know, he is a good boy..." " Please!" "You know what?" "You don't understand at all, okay?" "So if I could just come in for a minute," "I could explain everything, okay?" "Good, hon." "Wait, wait, wait." "There's something we have to talk about." "I thought we weren't mentioning that until after the biopsy." "It's not that." "It's about Malcolm." " I didn't do it." " He did it." "I saw him." "A teacher from school came by and she ran some tests with Malcolm." "He has an IQ of 165." " Who?" " Malcolm." "He's a genius." " He's going to special class." " What?" "Malcolm's special?" "Where do you think that came from?" "They have a program for gifted kids, advanced textbooks, devoted teachers and good things they don't want to waste on normal kids." " You start on Monday." " In the Krelboyne class?" "Mom, no." "I don't want to." "What are you talking about?" "Of course you want to." "No." "I want to stay in my own class." "I don't want to be a Krelboyne." "Seriously, Krelboynes get their butts kicked." "Wait..." "Just stop one minute." "There's nothing wrong with being smart, of being cut from the herd." "You'll be the one buffalo that's not there when the Indians run them off a cliff." "Mom, this isn't fair." "If I don't want to go, why do I have to?" "Because it's not just up to you." " We have to do what's best for you." " Mom, please!" " Don't make me go!" "Please!" " Malcolm, calm down." " But it isn't fair!" " That's right." "It isn't fair." "It's the first time any of us has ever been given an edge, and you will not waste it." " Dad?" " Honey?" "Well..." "Look, honey..." "Malcolm, you see..." "For crying out loud." "How come there's never any iced tea in this pitcher?" "I make a fresh batch every morning, and it's gone by the time I get home." "I want a better family!" "Malcolm..." "Look at that." "Gone." "I don't want to go to a special class." "People think I'm weird already." " I know." " I like where I am." "I want to stay." "Sweetie, life does not give you a lot of chances to move up even if you deserve it." "Look at your dad and me." "Malcolm, I'm proud of you." "You boys are so lucky." "You have so many gifts other kids don't have." "And I don't just mean Stevie Kenarban, either." "I mean, look at those Parker boys across the street." "They may be healthy, but they are the ugliest boys ever born." "They look like boiled beets, don't you think?" "And those Henderson kids?" "That electrocuted their dog trying to get free cable." "How smart can they be?" "Just remember, any kid who makes fun of you is a little loser who'll end up working in a car wash." "This shouldn't make me feel better, but it does." "You'll be all right, sweetie." "If you don't make a big deal out of this, nobody else will either." "And I just can't say enough about how proud we should all be of Malcolm for getting into the gifted program." "Now Malcolm may not look different than the rest of us, but he is." "Very different." "In his brain." "And I think we should recognize him for that." "Bye." "All righty, today we are starting a new section on the Peloponnesian War which I know you are all going to love." "Malcolm?" "Are you okay?" "Yeah." " Fine." " All right." "Excuse me." "Stop staring at me!" "Why do they keep doing that?" "You're new." "Oh, great." "So I'm the freak of the freak show?" "Just... chill out." "Don't tell me to chill out." "You chill out." "Nobody can live like this." " I'm okay." " Oh, sure." "Because it doesn't make a difference to you." "You've always been a freak." "I used to be normal." "Wait." "Who just said that?" "You're going to take that the wrong way." "You... suck." "It's so cool!" "Around here, being smart is exactly like being radioactive." "I can't believe I'm doing this." "Stevie?" "What?" "Look..." "I..." "Score!" "Hey, Spath!" "Why don't you stop being such a buttwipe?" " What'd you call me?" " You heard me!" "I don't care anymore!" "I just don't care, Spath, okay?" "Alls you ever do is make everybody miserable!" "Except for your little monkey-slaves." "Who, by the way, only pretend to like you." "They hate you as much as everyone else does!" "And you're too busy being mean and stupid to ever figure it out!" "I keep trying to run, but my legs won't work." "Mom was right - they are important." "Wow." "I don't know about you, but the Krelboyne really hurt my feelings." "Hey..." "Go away, Stevie." "It's good you two are friends." "He won't mind sharing his wheelchair." "Okay, this is where something good happens, finally." "So we're going to slow down and make it last as long as possible." "Dude, you hit a cripple." "I didn't mean to..." "I wasn't trying..." "Stevie, I'm sorry." "What's your problem?" "I mean, he's in a wheelchair and he has glasses." "You know how bad that looks?" "What's your problem?" "So then, the Principal comes out and everyone's all talking at once." "So the story he puts together is that Spath attacks Stevie for his lunch, and I'm like this hero that stepped in to defend him." "It was beautiful." "Okay, it wasn't funny when Spath started crying." "No, wait, it was." "Dad's hair..." "Yeah, I know." "It's gross." "But, hey, if a bunch of birds can make the best out of what they get," "then so can I." " Malcolm?" " Like having to go to special class." "I can make it work out, right?" " Malcolm?" " Not now!" "Or my family." "We're not the greatest family in the world, but we can get better." " I mean, it's not impossible." " Malcolm?" " What?" " Can I get out?" "No, stop asking." "So basically, I think everything's going to be okay." "A bug went up my nose." "So what do you want me to do about it?"