"♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪" "♪ Songs that made The hit parade ♪" "♪ Guys like us We had it made ♪" "♪ Those were the days ♪" "♪ And you knew Where you were then ♪" "♪ Girls were girls And men were men ♪" "♪ Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again ♪" "♪ Didn't need No welfare state ♪" "♪ Everybody pulled His weight ♪" "♪ Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great ♪" "♪ Those were the days ♪" "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Merry Christmas, whoever it is!" "Oh, hiya, Frank." "Happy holiday, Gloria." "Come on in." "I just came over to bring Edith my famous Italian fruitcake." "I baked it special." "Ooh, that looks good." "Hey, uh, how do you say "fruitcake" in Italian?" ""Fruit-a-cake-a!"" "No, actually it's called panettone." "Where's Edith?" "Oh, she's gone to the doctor." "She'll be back soon." "She went for a semi-annual checkup." "Oh, that's smart." "Yeah, it's been three years since her last one." "Hey, that's beautiful." "Can I help?" "I'm pretty good at this." "Oh, yeah." "Jump right in." "You know something?" "Irene and I are like kids about Christmas." "We still hang up our stockings every year." "Really?" "Yeah, but it's not fair." "Irene gets twice as much as me." "Oh, how come?" "She hangs up her pantyhose." "I love Christmas too, Frank, even if it is full of male chauvinism." "What are you talking about?" "Well, for openers, Santa Claus is a man, and Christmas is all men, even the songs." "Now, wait a minute." ""The Little Drummer Boy." But, Gloria!" "And how about "Peace on earth, goodwill toward men"?" "See?" "Christmas is nothing but men, men, men." "Except for one woman." "Who?" "The Virgin Mary." "Without her, there'd be no Christmas." "Oh." "Yeah." "[DOORBELL RINGING]" "Oh." "Merry Christmas, whoever it is!" "Hello there!" "Michael!" "Wrong!" "It's not Michael." "It's Dr. Cronkite." "Hello there, buster." "How are you doing, pal?" "Take my coat there, nurse." "Are you my nurse?" "Uh, yeah." "No, no." "You couldn't be." "You don't look like my nurse." "Hold this a second here." "We put these on here." "There!" "Now you look like my nurse." "Hello there, nurse." "Want to fool around?" "[LAUGHING]" "Uh, hey, uh, doctor" "Yes." "What is it?" "What about your patient?" "This?" "Oh, no, no, no." "He couldn't be." "He doesn't look like my patient." "One second there, buster." "We put these on." "There!" "Now you look like my patient." "You're my doctor?" "That's right!" "I'm leaving." "Hello, Mr. Leaving." "Nice to meet you." "Stick out your tongue." "Ahh!" "You know what's wrong with you?" "What?" "Nothing." "But your tongue's very sick." "I demand a second opinion." "Good." "Come back and see me again tomorrow." "Somebody's coming." "Somebody's coming." "Hi, Ma!" "[LAUGHING]" "Who's this here?" "Uh, doctor, this is my mother." "No, no, that couldn't be right." "She doesn't look like your mother." "Hold on one second there." "Here." "We put these on." "Now you look like her mother." "Hello there, mother." "Oh, my, you all look so funny." "[LAUGHING]" "You don't look like no raving beauty yourself there." "Where did you get these?" "There was a big sale at Mahoney's." "You want to go to the Hottentot Club?" "[LAUGHING]" "I haven't laughed so much for days." "Hey, mother, you want to fool around?" "My nurse won't mind." "She's very understanding." "Whoa, whoa!" "[LAUGHING]" "Oh, my!" "I feel so much better." "Much better?" "Was something wrong?" "Oh, no, no." "I mean, I'm enjoying it." "Edith, I brought you my special panettone." "Fruitcake à la Lorenzo." "Frank!" "Oh, thank you!" "Oh, hey, Ma, how'd your checkup go?" "Fine, just fine." "This looks so good, I think I'll take it in the kitchen." "I got a wonderful idea." "Archie will be here in a few minutes." "Let's all put these on again and surprise him." "Good idea." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Go hide up there." "Go hide up there." "What are you doing with that on?" "The same thing you're doing with that on, buster." "Oh, get away from me, you smart guy!" "You always got to spoil everybody's fun here." "Hiya, Daddy!" "Hello, Archie!" "Now, you put them up to that." "Now, where's your mother?" "GLORIA:" "In the kitchen." "All right, everybody, now, just shut up." "Let me try to get a little fun out of this thing, huh?" "Hey, Edith, come on out here." "I got something to show you." "Be right out!" "Oh, ain't that nice?" "Mike got one for you too." "He didn't get me nothing." "I bought a whole bag of them." "It was my idea, not the Meathead's." "I'm sorry, Arch." "Great minds think alike." "If I had a mind like yours," "I'd take it out and I'd get it shot." "[LAUGHING]" "Will you stifle yourself and get dinner on the table?" "But you look so funny." "I said stifle yourself." "Get dinner on the table." "Yeah." "Right away." "GLORIA:" "Daddy!" "Do you have to talk to her like that?" "Hey, hey!" "Hey there." "Watch your language, little girl." "That ain't a "her" you're talking about." "That's your mother." "All right." "Do you have to talk to Ma like that?" "When she's doing something stupid, yeah." "What is stupid about trying to have a little fun at Christmas time?" "Scrooge!" "Ohh!" "Ma." "Is there anything I can help you with?" "Ma?" "What, Gloria?" "Uh, your pot's full." "Oh, yeah." "Thank you." "Don't let Daddy bother you." "He's just an old grouch." "Your father's a wonderful person, Gloria." "Don't you never forget that." "Ma, you see what you just did?" "You just filled that up." "Oh, yeah." "Can you get me the cover to this pot, please, Gloria?" "Isn't that it?" "Oh, yeah." "Ma, what's the matter?" "Oh, nothing's the matter." "I just forgot that the cover to the pot was there." "You forget things sometimes, don't you?" "Well, sure, Ma." "And I'm older than you, so I got a lot more things to forget than you." "Ma, something's wrong." "I know you." "Now, why does everybody around here think they know me?" "Remember, Gloria, deep waters run very still." "But, Ma" "I've known me a lot longer than you have, so don't go around saying you know me." "Okay." "Okay." "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to upset you." "I got a lump in my breast." "What did you just say?" "I got a lump in" "Ohh, Ma!" "That's the first time I said it out loud." "Oh, will you look at this?" "The Meathead's eating the popcorn off the tree." "Next thing, he'll be eating the leaves." "Why not, Arch?" "That's how that nature guy Euell Gibbons gets rid of his Christmas trees after the holidays." "He eats them." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Oh!" "I bet that's Irene." "Hold it, Frank." "Hold it." "Let me answer the door, huh?" "Let me go." "Let me have at least one more try at having a little fun here, huh?" "Hi, Archie." "Is Frank here?" "Come on, now, Irene." "Don't make out like you don't notice nothing different." "Oh, yes, you do look different." "What did you do, get a haircut?" "Ohh!" "Come on in, Irene." "Oh, oh, oh!" "Don't we look terrific?" "Like it?" "♪ Vieni qui Vieni qui, amore ♪" "Look at this guy." "He slobbers his wife no matter where he finds her." "Because no matter where I find her, she turns me on." "Kiss me, amore." "Ah, Frank, you ain't got no class at all." "That's the funniest-looking thing I ever saw." "What do you mean?" "I got one on too." "Yeah, that's not so funny." "Good night, Arch." "Yeah, good night, good night." "Jeez." "Bye, Archie." "Oh, cut it out, Irene." "[LAUGHING]" "Hey, don't poke me, huh, Frank?" "Would you do that?" "Don't poke me." "[MIKE LAUGHING]" "What are you laughing at?" "Oh, gee." "Here." "Edith, get supper on the table, huh?" "I'm going upstairs to wash." "Dinner will be ready in a few minutes, Archie." "Gloria, put the dressing on the salad." "Ma" "Ma, what exactly did the doctor say?" "Well, he said I gotta go back again tomorrow to be examined by a surgeon." "A surgeon!" "What does that mean?" "Oh, nothing, Gloria." "Don't worry." "The doctor told me today that nine times out of ten, they find it's nothing." "Just nothing." "Ma, are you sure you're telling me everything?" "Yeah." "Did you know about this before you went to see the doctor today?" "Yeah." "That's the lucky part." "Lucky?" "I found it myself." "How?" "Well, I was reading an article in this magazine." "It showed you how to examine yourself yourself." "And that's what I did." "I examined myself myself." "Here, let me help you with this" "No, no." "I'd rather keep busy." "Ma, when are you going to tell Daddy about this?" "Never." "And don't you tell him neither." "But, Ma, he's got to know!" "Oh, no, Gloria." "Your father has enough to think about down at work." "All that packing and loading and lifting." "You got to promise me, Gloria, that you'll not say one word to him about me being examined by a surgeon, please." "And don't say nothing to Mike neither." "Please." "GLORIA:" "All right, Ma." "Hey." "Hey!" "What's the matter with you?" "You look like you seen a ghost." "[SILLILY] Ah, well, uh, that just..." ""ghost" to show you." "[GROANS]" "Step right over here, madam." "What are you doing?" "Get away from me, will you?" "Better start mixing toothpaste with your shampoo." "You're getting a cavity in your brain." "Gloria, I still don't see how we can keep it from Archie." "Honey, we got to." "I promised Ma." "Do you realize how mad he's gonna be if he finds out?" "He'll probably hit somebody." "Probably me." "Mike, you gotta cover for us, because I gotta take Ma to see the surgeon today at the hospital." "Yeah, yeah, look at this." "This makes me mad enough to want to hit somebody." "The government is spending $950 million on the Nimitz." "What's the Nimitz?" "It's a new aircraft carrier." "Nine hundred and fifty million!" "That's over twice as much as the country spends on cancer research in a whole year!" "On a carrier!" "I don't believe it!" "Look at this!" "Michael, shh!" "Oh, yeah, sorry." "A carrier?" "Who's the carrier?" "Typhoid Meathead over here?" "What's all this about?" "Everybody up, 7:30, so early on a Saturday morning?" "Well, we're just talking." "Oh, don't give me that." "There's something going on." "What I mean to say, there's something rotten in the state of Denver." "Daddy, nothing's going on." "Well, how come that Meathead clams up every time I come close?" "That ain't natural." "I was just thinking." "That ain't natural neither." "Where's the coffee, little girl?" "Oh, I'll get it for you." "Hurry up, hurry up." "Daddy's up." "He wants coffee." "How is Archie taking it?" "Oh, he don't know." "He doesn't know?" "GLORIA:" "No, he doesn't." "But he's getting awfully suspicious." "I don't get it, Edith." "You didn't tell Archie, but you told Mike and Gloria?" "Well, I had to tell them so they'd know what not to tell Archie." "Maybe you ought to iron the other sleeve for a change." "Oh, yeah." "Irene, I ain't talked about this to Gloria because I didn't want to worry her, but suppose I have to have one of them operations." "Oh, look, it's probably just a little cyst." "That's all it usually is." "But what if this time it ain't?" "Then have the operation." "It's a great way to save your life." "There's one big drawback, though." "What's that?" "You get well and you have to keep cooking and ironing for Archie." "Oh!" "Oh, Irene!" "That's better now, you see." "Dummy up!" "What is this, huh?" "Every time I come near people, they shut up, like I was the Spanish Inquisition or something." "Just a little girl talk, Archie." "What are you doing over here so early, Irene?" "Did you have a fight with the Italian lover boy?" "No." "Edith and I are holding a secret Tupperware party." "Yeah, well, secret's the word, because I think that something very suspicious is being cooked up around here." "Oh, there's not!" "I was just telling Edith about my sister getting pregnant." "Who, the nun?" "Not her, my other sister." "Really, Irene?" "Yeah, and after she swore she'd never have another baby after all the trouble she went through with the first one." "And you know, Edith, she was in heavy labor." "Fifteen hours!" "Arggh." "And then they thought it was going to be a breech" "Irene!" "Mixed company, Irene, huh!" "Mixed company, really!" "Can't you be delicate?" "Oh, thank you!" "Irene, can I ask you something?" "Of course." "Sit down." "When Archie and me was first going together, we used to go out dancing a lot." "And" "Oh, I ain't never told no one this before, but while we was dancing, Archie used to sing in my ear." "Archie?" "Yeah." "And his favorite song was:" "♪ You're the tops ♪" "♪ You're the Tower of Pisa ♪" "♪ You're the tops ♪" "♪ You're the smile On the Mona Lisa ♪" "And all evening" "I would go around trying to smile for Archie like the Mona Lisa." "You know" "IRENE:" "Oh, Edith!" "What was it you wanted to ask me?" "I'm afraid if I have this operation," "Archie won't think of me in the same way." "Oh, Edith, stop scaring yourself." "Archie loves you, and nothing's gonna change that." "But I'm gonna change a lot." "Yes, and even if you have to have the operation, it's still gonna be all right." "Believe me." "You don't know." "That's just the point, Edith." "I do know." "I know." "You mean, you--?" "Six years ago." "And you see how Frank and I get along." "It hasn't made one bit of difference in our marriage." "Don't bother looking, Edith." "I-I wasn't." "You can't tell, and there's no use asking me." "Oh, no, I wouldn't think of asking." "I mean, I'd think of it, but I wouldn't ask." "Oh, no!" "Oh, Irene!" "You made me feel so much better!" "Oh, darling!" "I don't believe it." "Will you look at this here?" "More Christmas cards!" "Why doesn't everybody just get together and yell, "Enough"?" "What is the matter with you today?" "Nothing." "Jeez, you're even knocking Christmas now." "I'm not knocking Christmas, I'm knocking Christmas cards." "Ah, you'd knock anything that wasn't food." "Archie, it's a total waste of money and paper." "What are you talking about?" "It ain't the money, it's the beautiful thoughts behind them things." "Oh, yeah, you mean like this one." ""Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all you folks we hold so dear."" "All right, that's a beautiful thought." ""So call us first when your pipes are burst." "Paragon Plumbers."" "Get out of here, you're making that up." "Right there, Archie!" "Right there!" "Get away from me, will you?" "Hey, where's Edith?" "Uh, she went out with Gloria." "I know that, but where?" "For how long?" "Well, what are you asking me for?" "What is the matter with you?" "I told you, nothing!" "You wanna play checkers?" "Checkers?" "No!" "Then forget it!" "What is Edith up to anyway?" "Well, I don't-- I don't know." "Did she mention anything to you about a red-hackle fishing pole?" "What?" "Yeah, yeah, I can see it in your face." "She certainly did." "I know where she is." "She's out with Gloria Christmas shopping for me, for a red-hackle siphon pole." "[CHUCKLES]" "What, did you think you was gonna pull the wolf over my eyes?" "No, Archie, I didn't think that." "Well, listen." "Don't tip Edith off that I'm wise to it." "That will spoil her surprise for me." "Don't worry, I won't." "Yeah, a red-hackle fishing pole." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Jeez, I hope she gets me one with a bell on it, so I can fish and take a nap at the same time." "Oh, hi, Irene." "Hi." "Is Edith in?" "Uh, no, she's not back yet." "ARCHIE:" "Oh, come on, Irene." "You don't have to signal over there." "I know the whole thing." "The secret's out." "Oh." "Did you hear from the hospital?" "Is she all right?" "Irene!" "Uh" "What?" "What?" "What do you mean?" "What hospital?" "She's at Saint Ambrose's." "You said you knew!" "She's out Christmas shopping with Gloria." "Saint Ambrose's Hosp--?" "Take me there, Meathead!" "What, did she have an accident or something?" "No, no, it's just a test, Archie." "Just a test." "Probably nothing serious, Arch." "What is it?" "I'll tell you on the way." "Never mind, tell me on the way." "Will you let me get out the door?" "ARCHIE:" "Go back and shut the door!" "Will you let me get in the door?" "Hi there, nurse." "Oh, are you Mr. Bunker?" "Yeah, I'm Mr. Bunker." "Oh, all right." "Uh, she's sleeping there, huh?" "Yes." "Well, she's just having a little nap." "Uh, where's my daughter?" "Oh, she's down at the administrations office, filling out some forms." "She'll be right back." "Ah." "Yeah, Arch, I'll go find Gloria." "Yeah, go find Gloria." "Oh, Archie!" "You didn't have to come down here." "What do you mean I didn't have to come down here, Edie?" "Jeez, you're my wife, no matter what happens." "Archie." "That's the nicest thing you ever said to me." "Yeah, well, you better lay down there and rest there, huh?" "I don't have to rest." "I'll be home tomorrow morning." "You're coming home tomorrow morning?" "Yeah." "Edith, they told me you had cancer." "I thought I did too, Archie, but it was just a little cyst, and the surgeon got rid of it just like that." "Oh!" "So, what are you laying here for?" "Well, when they told me everything was all right," "I got so excited," "I jumped off the examining table." "And I broke my ankle!" "You broke your ankle?" "Yeah." "That's all that's the matter with you?" "Broke your ankle?" "Yeah." "You know, they had me nearly scared half to death." "I'm sorry, Archie." "Oh, Jesus." "Oh, Edith." "Oh, Archie." "["REMEMBERING YOU" PLAYING]" "ANNOUNCER:" "All In The Family was recorded on tape before a live audience."