"Ambrose." "LEONA:" "Ambrose!" "Yes, my dear?" "What are you doing in the bathroom?" "Um..." "Brushing my teeth, dear." "I don't know what's come over you lately." "You're always in that bathroom brushing your teeth." "Yes, dear." "Are you sure you're brushing your teeth?" "(GARGLING)" "Yes, dear." "You want anything, dear?" "Please come to bed and put the light out." "Yes, dear." "Hurry up and come to bed." "Yes, I'm hurrying, dear." "(WHISTLES)" "What are you doing now?" "I'm taking my socks off, dear." "You're certainly making a lot of noise taking your socks off." "Yes, dear." "Please come to bed and put the light out." "Oh, yes, dear." "(GROANS)" "Legs." "Willie the Weasel." "What are you doing here?" "Steve sent me over here to lift some silverware." "He's off his nut." "He sent me over on the same job." "Everything's mixed up since they sent Maxie to stir." "What's that in the pan?" "Molasses?" "Taste it." "It's applejack." "Jersey lightning." "What does this applejack remind you of?" "It reminds me of the old Oreland Social Club." "Remember how Saturday nights, we used to get plastered on applejack, and what we used to sing?" "On the Banks of the Wabash, Far Away." "Do you remember the tune?" "Oh, the moonlight's fair" "That's it." "Tonight upon the Wabash" "(WILLIE AND LEGS SINGING)" "Ambrose." "Ambrose!" "Did you leave the radio on?" "Did you leave the radio on?" "(GROANS)" "(WILLIE AND LEGS SINGING)" "(GASPS)" "Ambrose." "Ambrose." "Wake up." "Wake up, Ambrose." "Ambrose, there are burglars singing in the cellar." "What?" "Ambrose, there are burglars singing in the cellar." "What are they singing?" "What difference does it make what they're singing?" "Get up and see what it's all about." "Yeah, that's right." "Don't sit there like a bump on a stump, go down and throw them out." "Hurry, hurry, hurry, Ambrose." "Hurry." "What are they singing down there for?" "Oh, it doesn't matter what they're singing." "Go down quickly, Ambrose." "We're in danger I tell you." "We're in terrific danger, Ambrose." "The more haste, the less speed." "I'll be down there." "Oh, Ambrose, my poor mother." "My poor, helpless, old mother." "My darling..." "She's upstairs." "They won't find her." "Oh, Ambrose, don't fumble." "Don't fumble, Ambrose." "Hurry, Ambrose, hurry." "I'm coming, dear." "Get these socks on, Ambrose." "What does it matter whether you've got socks on or not, Ambrose?" "I'll catch cold down there." "Ambrose, hurry, hurry." "They're great murderers, brutes, Ambrose." "They've got guns." "Now what are you looking for, Ambrose?" "I don't know, they may not have guns." "Oh, Ambrose!" "Maybe they mistook our cellar window for a stage door." "Hurry, Ambrose, hurry." "It's getting louder and louder and louder." "I can't find my socks." "You're getting me so nervous I've lost my socks." "Oh, Ambrose, hurry." "What are you looking for now?" "Why couldn't they wait until later on in the morning?" "Oh, hurry, Ambrose." "Hurry, hurry." "It's getting louder, Ambrose." "It's getting louder." "Hurry, Ambrose." "Oh, don't swat flies." "Hurry, Ambrose." "Hurry." "Oh, such an earthly hour..." "An unearthly hour." "Where are they?" "In the cellar, Ambrose, in the cellar." "I heard them there." "Listen, listen, listen." "Oh, what rotten voices." "Murderers." "Brutes, Ambrose." "Yeah." "Get them, Ambrose." "Get them." "Oh, gosh." "Couldn't I just sleep about another hour, then I'll go down there?" "Oh, Ambrose, hurry." "Hurry, Ambrose." "Okay." "Oh, this is awful." "Look at that." "There's the gloves that you lost two weeks ago." "Ambrose, get the gun!" "Say, what are these things doing in here, all these walnuts?" "What's the difference what they're doing?" "Get the gun, Ambrose!" "Get the gun!" "Look, there's nothing..." "There's no..." "Yes, here it is." "Here it is." "I've got it." "Here, I got it." "Be careful." "Oh, there's nothing to be frightened of." "Be careful." "It's unloaded, there's nothing in it." "Careful." "It's okay." "There isn't a bullet in it." "(SCREAMS)" "Did I kill you?" "Oh, leave me in peace!" "Leave me in peace!" "Oh, good, good, I didn't kill you!" "That's fine." "What was that?" "Sounded like someone shot off a pistol." "That's what it sounded like to me." "My baby!" "Did they kill you?" "Oh, no, I'm all right, but quiet." "There are burglars singing in the cellar." "Burglars singing in the cellar?" "Yes, there are burglars singing down in the cellar." "Why..." "Give me that gun." "Let go, let go, let go, will you?" "There are burglars singing in the cellar." "Look out, look out, look out." "Excuse me." "Come here." "Come in..." "Come in here." "Give me..." "Out of the way!" "Got a smoking revolver in my hand, woman." "Dad, what's the matter?" "There are burglars singing in the cellar." "There are burglars singing in the cellar." "Burglars singing in the cellar!" "Yeah, there's burglars singing in the cellar!" "Great big fellows, about eight feet tall..." "They sound like..." "They sound as though they're even more than that." " What's that?" " Nuts." "Walnuts." "I just dropped them." "I dropped them on the floor." "Will you go downstairs and get them out?" "Yes, I will." "Come on, Claude." "We'll go down and root them out." "Claude, dear, I know you have the heart of a lion, but if you want to see your poor, old mother die of heart failure, you go down into that cellar." "Oh, I won't do anything to hurt you." "Indeed, Claude will not accompany you into that cellar." "If anything should happen to Claude, you know very well it would kill my poor mother." "How can you be so selfish?" "Oh, wait a minute, Dad." "I'll go with you." "Oh, no, you won't, dear." "You stay here." "I know what I'll do." "What?" "I'll telephone the Neighborhood Patrol." "What do I pay them $5 a month for?" "Oh!" "It's a different story when it comes to your own flesh and blood." "Hmm." "Yeah." "I think I'll go and brush my teeth first." "No, you don't." "You just brushed your teeth." "Sit down and telephone." "Oh, yes." "Let's see, it's... (MUTTERING)" "Hello, hello." "Neighborhood Patrol?" "Has..." "Oh." "Oh, I beg your pardon." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I'm..." "I'm awfully..." "I apologize." "I'm sorry, Mrs. Crudd." "I'm awfully sorry, but we have burglars singing in our cellar." "I thought this was the Neighborhood Patrol, excuse me." "Who's that woman you were talking to?" "Huh?" "Oh, a Mrs. Crudd." "Why do you call her up and tell her all your business at this unearthly hour of the morning?" "I didn't call her up." "I called up the..." "The Neighborhood..." "I tried to get the Neighborhood Patrol and I got her on the phone." "Then why don't you call the Neighborhood Patrol and tell them there are burglars singing in our cellar?" "I'm looking for the number." "Here it is." "Here." "There, it's simple enough." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello?" "Hello." "Is this the Neighborhood Patrol?" "Well, where were you?" "I called the wrong..." "Listen, come over." "We have burglars singing in our cellar." "Burglars singing in the cellar?" "Come over right away, will you?" "Thanks." "All right, all right." "That's simple." "That's all done." "Did you tell them who was calling, and where to come to?" "Who?" "What?" "Gosh, I forgot that." "People make me sick." "Hey, listen, that was Ambrose Wolfinger talking." "Yeah, come over right away." "There are burglars singing in the cellar." "Good." "Okay." "(WILLIE AND LEGS SINGING)" "(BOTH SINGING)" "Don't move!" "A gildersleeve." "A cop." "What you drinking there?" "Applejack." "(SINGING CONTINUES)" "There are three of them singing now." "Yeah, they're singing the same tune, too." "(ALL SINGING)" "I..." "I feel as if I'm getting chill!" "Oh, would you like a little drink of applejack?" "Ambrose Wolfinger." "Well, I thought I might join her." "You know perfectly well my mother detests alcohol." "Oh, yes, that's right." "When I was a young and a pretty girl, I always vowed to my parents that lips that touch liquor, would never touch mine." "Oh, yeah." "Pretty sentiment, very nice." "Yeah, that was fine of you to say that." "That's nice." "That's all right, dear." "Don't worry." "I'm not even going into the cellar." "I'll talk to them from the outside." "I'll wait up for you." "All right, dear." "I don't crave an encounter with dangerous criminals." "You go right in." "Go right in and go to bed, dear." "Yeah." "All right, Dad." "All right." "Goodbye, dear." "(FABRIC RIPPING)" "(GUN FIRING)" "Oh, drat." "Drat." "Everything's okay, Mr. Wolfinger." "I got them handcuffed." "Oh." "Oh, that's fine." "(GUN FIRES)" "(CRASHING)" "Merciful heavens." "What happened?" "Oh." "Oh." "(SCREAMS)" "(GROANS)" "Why couldn't I fall on a small, dull one?" "(GROANS)" "I caught them down here drinking your applejack." "Oh, you did, eh?" "Oh." "By the way, would you like a drink yourself?" "I don't mind if I do." "Oh, good." "Oh." "You got the glass right here with you, haven't you?" "Yeah." "All right." "For two pins, I'd box your..." "Are you sure those handcuffs are on tightly?" "Oh, they're safe." "For two pins, I'd box both your ears." "Ah, you know how to turn it on, you been here before." "Take your filthy hands off there!" "There you are, Officer." "Thanks." "Wait a minute, I'll join you." "Okay." "That's the old Jersey way of getting it out of the barrel." "My best respects." "Fine." "(BOTH SINGING)" "Quiet." "Cut it out, boys." "Tone it down a little." "Tone it down a little, huh?" "Do you remember that tune?" "We used to sing it up at the old Tehachapi Glee Club many years ago." "Brings back fond memories." "Before I was married." "(ALL SINGING)" "(SINGING LOUDLY)" "It's a quartet." "Merciful heavens, he's singing with them now." "LEONA:" "Ambrose!" "Ambrose?" "Ambrose!" "It's all right, dear." "It's all right, we got them hand-ironed..." "They're handicapped..." "Handiwork... (STUTTERS) The..." "They got their hands all tied up." "I got them, but they can't do a thing." "Yeah, the police ambulance is down in here." "Yeah." "All right, don't worry, dear." "Go right back to sleep." "All right." "Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye." "She can hear every word you say down here, up through this pipe, so keep quiet." "She's awfully nervous." "Awfully nervous." "Say, look here." "These boys seem all right." "Let's let them go if they promise never to do it again." "Oh, no, no, nothing doing." "This is my bread and butter." "I got to take them in." "Oh?" "Yeah." "Oh, you'll have to go along, too." "Why?" "To appear against them." "By the way, I'll have to take a jug of this applejack along as evidence." "Go ahead." "Now, listen, Mr. Wolfinger, I'll go through the window first, and you see that they get out." "Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute." "That leaves me down here with them alone." "Wait a minute, now." "Why can't I go out the window first, and then I wait for..." "With them..." "I'll be with them, too, out there, won't I?" "I'll tell you what to do, we'll all go out together." "All right." "Come on, come on." "Get out." "Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, now." "Up!" "AMBROSE:" "Gosh." "Ambrose!" "What are you doing down in that cellar?" "If you have apprehended the criminals, come up here and go to bed." "Keep quiet, boys." "I don't want anybody to see me prowling around in the middle of the night dressed like this." "What time is it?" "LEGS:" "What time is it?" "WILLIE:" "What time is it?" "What... (CLATTERING)" "Say, Wolfinger, what's the idea of making all this noise at 5:00 in the morning?" "It's 5:00." "(CLATTERING)" "Drat." "(ALL SINGING)" "(SHUSHING)" "Say, this thing isn't going to interfere with me going to the wrestling match this afternoon, is it?" "Oh, I hope not." "I got a ticket myself." "I got a $15 seat in the first row." "Had it for three weeks." "Of course my wife knows nothing about it." "Wrestling's in my blood." "No, if I hadn't have been sidetracked," "I'd have been probably wrestling in this match this afternoon myself." "Oh, you're a wrestler, eh?" "You were born in Canada, weren't you?" "Yeah." "Fine." "There isn't a man or boy born in the United States or Canada that could get out of this hold." "Come here." "Stick your head in there." "Stick it in there." "Go ahead." "Put it in." "Now, wait a minute." "Try to get out of that." "Go ahead, try to get out of it." "(GROANING)" "I guess I took in too much territory." "I shouldn't have mentioned Canada." "Did I hurt you?" "How could you hurt anybody throwing them on their head?" "Oh, dear." "Good morning." "Is the judge about?" "He'll be here in just a minute." "Old Honest Abe." "(HUMMING)" "(BOTH HUMMING)" "(AMBROSE SINGING LOUDLY)" "What's the charge?" "Those two men, Your Honor, were singing in Mr. Wolfinger's cellar." "These two boys here." "Yes?" "And drinking applejack." "Where'd they get it?" "In Mr. Wolfinger's cellar." "Down in my place." "Where's the evidence?" "Right here, Your Honor." "Who's the owner of this applejack?" "I am." "Have you a permit to manufacture applejack?" "I beg your pardon?" "Have you a permit to manufacture applejack?" "(CHUCKLES)" "I guess I could get one easy enough." "$30 or 30 days." "Take him away!" "But, Judge..." "Oh, wait." "They came in to my..." "Clear the court!" "Clear the court!" "AMBROSE:" "Oh, this is terrible." "This is awful." "This is terrible." "Then..." "Then I..." "I took..." "I took my scissors..." "Yeah." "...and stuck straight into my wife's throat, like that!" "You tickled me." "Wouldn't you do the same thing under the circumstances?" "I would do the same thing, I guess, or probably worse." "You know, I'm excitable." "Yeah." "I kill them all." "Uh-huh." "But that's nothing." "No, that didn't mean... (WHISTLES)" "You know..." "You know, my friend, Mmm-hmm." "I had three wives." "Oh, yes." "But this is the first one I have killed in all my life!" "Oh, that's in your favor, yeah." "They have no more case against you than the sheep has against a butcher." "(WHISTLES) Oh, do you think so?" "Oh, I know it." "Excuse me a minute." "My friend here..." "He's..." "Can I get out to send a telephone..." "Just for..." "Oh, wait, I'll go with you." "No, no, that's all right, that's all right." "I'll finish the story." "I can't go out and telephone her?" "Look here." "You telephone..." "Can you telephone my wife?" "You can't telephone." "I can take a message out for you." "Will you take a message out?" "Search this guy." "Search him for a pair of scissors." "I think he's got scissors with him." "My friend... (MUTTERING)" "He's excited." "Say, look, you telephone my wife, and tell her to get $30 over here, and if she hasn't $30, not to wait up for me tonight because I won't be home for a month." "Will you do that?" "My friend..." "Okay." "...I want to tell you something." "Yeah, okay." "Will you listen to me?" "Yeah." "When I got the scissors... (PHONE RINGING)" "Hello." "Who's it for?" "It's from your father." "Where is he?" "He's in jail." "They've got him locked up." "(LAUGHING)" "What's that?" "What's the charge again?" "For making liquor without a permit?" "Mmm-hmm." "How's that?" "$30 or 30 days?" "And he didn't have any money with him?" "(LAUGHING)" "Oh, we must go immediately to the jail and get him out." "And where do you suppose we'll get the money from?" "Oh, let him stay in jail, it will teach him a lesson." "My father will not stay in jail, not for a minute." "I have $30, and I'll get him out." "This is a pretty kettle of fish he's gotten us in for." "He's a disgrace." "The little snip." "It's your own fault, my dear." "I always advised you against marrying a widower with a child." "It was awfully kind of you, sweetheart, to come down..." "Excuse." "Pardon me." "It was awfully kind of you to come down this early hour of the morning and get me out." "Why didn't they send Claude?" "You know how slow Claude is." "Yeah." "So I just grabbed my coat and came on down." "Didn't your stepmother make any fuss about giving you the $30?" "No, Dad." "She didn't make any fuss." "Didn't she?" "Oh, she's pretty nice about some things." "Yes." "And other things she's not so nice about." "HOPE:" "Good night, Dad." "Good night, dear." "Good night." "(WALNUT CRACKS)" "(ALARM RINGING)" "Quite a snooze." "Oh, don't." "I got all I want." "There." "Eat them up, lambikins." "They're good for you." "Would you mind passing me the sugar, please?" "Pardon me." "Wonder how the old jailbird is this morning?" "If you're referring to my father," "I think it's very bad taste and not a bit funny." "My father's only been kind to you." "And during the eight years that you've lived here, he's never said one unkind thing about you." "You're throwing that up to us, are you?" "And just because poor Claude cannot find work." "You needn't throw that in our face." "I'm not throwing it in your face or trying to be unkind, but I can't sit here and listen to both you and your son continually belittling my father." "He's been too good to you." "He's the most trying man ever put on this earth." "Morning, everybody." "Good morning, Dad." "Good morning, sweetheart." "Morning, dear." "Morning." "Morning." "Well, I had quite an experience last night apprehending those criminals." "Yeah, and it was funny the way the whole thing turned out." "Yes." "Yes, it was." "Yes, it was." "Indeed, it was." "It'll be harder than ever for poor Claude to secure employment when they know that his brother-in-law is an ex-convict." "I don't think I should even look for work until this whole thing blows over." "Yeah, I think that's right." "He isn't an ex-convict." "He wasn't in the jail a half hour." "LEONA:" "He was convicted of manufacturing alcoholic beverages without a permit." "He never made illegal liquor." "He bought pure apple cider, put it in the garden, let it freeze and then drained the alcohol off." "That's just exactly what happened, dear." "Any more wheat cakes and sausage?" "There would have been, if you'd got to the table when the others got here." "I think it's a shame." "You little rebel, you." "Here, you just have some of these ham and egg..." "Ham and..." "Oh, enough of your quarrelling." "I'm sick and tired of it." "Oh, here's one of those delightful fragments by Gertrude Smun." "Would you like to hear it?" "Would you like to hear it?" "Oh, yes, I would, dear." "Yes, surely I would, surely." ""We have what we have not."" "Have we any cereal?" ""What we have not, we have." ""Up is down." Any butter?" ""Down is..."" "Are you listening?" "Oh." "Yes, dear." "I beg your pardon." "Yes." "Are you going to eat the rest of that sausage..." "Yes, I am." "Oh." "Well, that's all right." ""Down is out." "Everyone knew me and I was happy."" "(SIGHS)" "Are you listening?" "Yes, dear." "(AMBROSE CRUNCHING TOAST)" "LEONA:" ""And we were all happy." "Is everybody happy?" ""And I bought a big, red apple." ""Yes, unhappiness is joy."" "Isn't that beautiful?" "Isn't that beautiful?" "(MUFFLED) Very beautiful, dear, very beautiful." "What's it all about?" "What you were reading?" "Yes." "About a apple?" "And the wonderful part of it is there's no punctuation." "Oh, that's marvelous." "And to think that under that beautiful blank verse they print portraits of those horrible wrestlers." "Oh, Claude's going to see that wrestling match." "He found a ticket, a $15 ticket in the first row." "Is your toast warm, Dad?" "No, dear, it's cold." "It's all right." "I've been eating cold toast for eight years now, I like it." "All right, Dad." "I'll meet you in the hall." "We'll drive down together." "All right, dear." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Excuse me, dear." "Don't forget to pay the rent on the way to the office." "Oh, no, I won't." "Please don't forget." "I won't." "I won't." "I won't." "Why did you give a start at the table this morning when Mrs. Neselrode said Claude had found a ticket to the wrestling match?" "I didn't know I gave a start, honey." "Come on now, Dad." "Fess up." "Didn't you have a ticket to that wrestling match?" "A $15 ticket in the first row?" "(HONKING)" "I..." "I did have a ticket, but I lost it." "Exactly what I thought." "He stole that ticket out of your pocket." "I despise him, Dad." "The lazy, good-for-nothing, fat, overfed monkey." "He..." "He isn't too fat." "Dad, I know that you would never have married again after Mother died if it wasn't for me." "What are you talking about?" "Well, when I was a little girl, I heard you talking to Mr. Metsinger, and he was arguing with you." "And you said that you would never have married again if it wasn't that you didn't want to see that Hope had a mother." "Now, listen, honey." "I want you to promise me one thing." "(HONKING)" "Never mention that again as long as you live." "I..." "I must have been drinking." "No, Dad, you weren't drinking." "All right." "Dad, I know your heart is set on going to that wrestling match." "Now, you ask the boss for the afternoon off and go to that match." "No one will ever know, and you know I won't tell on you." "Satan, get behind me." "Goodbye, sweetheart." "Goodbye, Dad." "I'll see you tonight, honey." "All right." "Have a nice day, beauty." "Hello, Peabody." "What have you in your files on J. Farnsworth Wallaby?" "Send Wolfinger in here immediately." "Then get the data out of his files." "The only thing I can find out is that Wallaby's credit's okay and he comes from Australia." "Well, that isn't enough." "Now, you find something more." "Why..." "Wolfinger keeps his desk locked." "Well, Wolfinger should keep a complete record of these people in his files." "I meet so many people, how am I to remember them all?" "I've explained that to Wolfinger several times, but he has stubbornly installed his own jumbled system of filing." "Good morning, ladies." "Good morning." "Good morning." "Good morning." "Morning." "Morning, Carlotta." "Good morning, Mr. Wolfinger." "Now, let's see... (INTERCOM BUZZING)" "Hello?" "I want the complete record of J. Farnsworth Wallaby right away." "All right." "Thank you, Mr. Malloy." "I'll be right over." "Thank you." "Goodbye." "Mr. Wolfinger, would it be possible for me to have the afternoon off?" "I'd like to go to the wrestling matches." "I found a ticket." "Found a ticket?" "What row was it in?" "Just a general admission ticket." "Well, I don't know." "You'll have to ask that sterling Mr. Peabody." "My mother's a great friend of Hookalakah Meshobbab's." "She is, eh?" "Hookalakah." "I never knew his first name." "Well, that may help some." "Anyway, you ask Peabody." "I don't know anything about it." "Good morning, Mr. Malloy." "Where have you been, Wolfinger?" "I..." "Don't you remember?" "You sent me to the bank to deposit those checks and I had to wait there." "It didn't open till 9:00." "Oh, yes, of course, I forgot." "Now, what do you know about J. Farnsworth Wallaby?" "J. Farnsworth Wallaby..." "Just a minute." "Miss Dickson, take this down for reference, please?" "Yes, sir." "J. Farnsworth Wallaby." "He's an Australian sheep man." "Came here about six years ago and bought $8,000 of the woolen goods to take back to Australia." "His credit is A-one." "He has two boys." "One is a champion tennis player, and the other one is a manly little fellow." "You played golf with him." "You quit at the eighth hole, I think it was." "It rained." "You had a 94 up to then and he had an 82." "He had a friend with him." "The Mithintith of Bobandale, an Indian potentate." "And that night you all went out to a cabaret, remember?" "And you hurt your eye some way or other." "It got all black around there, and someone surreptitiously placed a lady's silk stocking in your pocket." "That will be all, Wolfinger." "Thank you." "Here you are, Mr. Malloy." "Thank you." "Mr. Malloy, if you want any further information, I'll be in my office." "Very well, Peabody." "Well, well, well!" "Bless my heart." "If this isn't a sight for sore eyes." "Well, how are you, Mr. Malloy?" "J. Farnsworth Wallaby, eh?" "That's right." "All the way from the Antipodes." "Yes." "Sit down." "Come, roll up a chair and make yourself comfortable." "Here, have a cigar." "Thanks." "Well, well, well, this certainly is a pleasant surprise." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "By the way, how are those wonderful sons of yours?" "That..." "The tennis player, and the other chap?" "Oh, topping, topping!" "Mr. Wolfinger." "Mr. Peabody wants a copy of that letter we wrote to Mr. Knute..." "S-C-H-V-E-N-D-E-N-B-O-R-G of..." "K-J-O..." "Why don't you kids learn how to pronounce names?" "(MUTTERING)" "Of..." "He thinks it was about four years ago." "Yeah." "Yeah, that's..." "Oh, I know who it is." "Surely." "Four years ago." "It was three-and-a-half years ago." "Hold that." "Two years." "Three years." "Three..." "What is that doing in there?" "Belongs over there." "Everything's all misplaced around here." "There it is." "Four years ago." "Three-and-a-half years ago, to be correct." "Tell him that, will you?" "Mr. Malloy." "Yes." "Would I be imposing on your good nature if I asked for the afternoon off?" "What for?" "Why, my poor, dear mother-in-law, Mrs. Neselrode, died several days ago." "Oh, I am sorry." "This is sad news indeed to me." "Thank you." "We're burying her today, and I'd like to get the afternoon off to go to her funeral." "Why, of course." "Why, you haven't had a day off in 25 years." "No, sir." "That's quite all right." "Oh, what did the dear old lady die of?" "Who?" "Why, your mother-in-law, Mrs. Neselrode." "What was the complaint?" "Oh, there wasn't any complaint." "The other night she got a chill, and she..." "I said, "Why don't you take a little drink of this..."" "I understand." "And she said, no, she wouldn't have it." "Poison liquor, eh?" "Poison liquor." "You know, it's a crying shame." "There have been 13 deaths from poison liquor within the last fortnight." "However, I suppose death is inevitable." "Yes, sir." "Well, you be brave, Mr. Wolfinger, and make the best of it." "You're made of sterner stuff." "Thank you, Mr. Malloy." "Thank you." "You'll have very little difficulty in getting off this afternoon." "I won't be here." "My poor mother-in-law died three days ago." "I'm attending her funeral this afternoon." "Isn't that terrible, Mr. Wolfinger?" "Yes, it's terrible." "It's awful." "Horrible tragedy." "It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law." "Yes, it is, very hard." "It's almost impossible..." "It's very difficult." "It's hard to lose them." "Don't forget to lock that desk, will you, before you go?" "Yes, Mr. Wolfinger." "All right." "Goodbye." "Good night." "Yes, sir." "Peabody, inform the departments of the sudden death of Wolfinger's mother-in-law, Mrs. Neselrode, several days ago." "Funeral's this afternoon." "I think we should let him know that his fellow workers sympathize with him." "I suggest their sending flowers or cards of sympathy." "And also contact the press and notify them of the tragedy." "May I suggest that we inform the press that he is an employee of the Malloy Company?" "Excellent idea, Peabody." "Yes." "You attend to it, will you?" "Thank you, sir." "By the way, what did she die of?" "Bad liquor." "Attention, boys and girls." "I have a very sad message to deliver to you." "Poor Ambrose Wolfinger's mother-in-law, Mrs. Neselrode, died several days ago." "Mr. Wolfinger, whom we all honor and respect, is going to the funeral this afternoon." "If any of you wish to send a little floral piece or message of condolence, you may send it to Mrs. Ambrose Wolfinger," "1627 Charter Street." "(MAN CHATTERING)" "(WHISTLE BLOWING)" "Pull over to the curb." "Have you a driver's license?" "Nice work, nice work." "Didn't you see that motorcycle there?" "No, sir." "Well, didn't you see these "No Parking" signs here?" "No, sir." "In other words, you were driving without looking where you were going, huh?" "Well, in a way, yes." "Let me see your operator's license." "Going to the wrestling match?" "Yes, I..." "I certainly am if I can make it." "It's gonna be the battle of the century." "What's your occupation?" "Memory expert." "What's your occupation?" "Memory expert." "This Meshobbab will kill that Russian and toss him out of the state." "Oh, do you think so?" "I got a couple of bucks to bet on Tosoff." "I got a secretary that thinks..." "Her mother's a great friend..." "Thank you." "A great friend of Meshobbab." "Boy, that's one detail I'd sure like to be assigned to." "So would I." "Well, I'll be seeing you." "(ENGINE STALLING)" "How do you do, sir?" "Where are you going?" "I'm going to the wrestling matches." "Have you a driver's license?" "I bought my ticket..." "Haven't bought..." "Yes, a driver's license, yes, sir." "Do you know what this red curbing means?" "Yes, sir." "What does it mean?" "No parking." "That's right." "Now can you read those letters down there?" "Oh, yes, yes." "Would you..." ""No parking." "No parking."" "Would you mind reading the lettering off to me?" "Again?" ""No parking."" "Read them once again, will you?" ""No parking."" "Now just once more to be sure you got it right." ""No parking."" "Well, that's fine." "You knew the red paint on the curb meant you couldn't park here." "Yes, sir." "You also read the sign "No parking" painted in bold letters on the curb." "Yes, sir." "Yet you deliberately drove into this zone knowing all those things." "No, sir." "What?" "Yes, sir, but if I can explain." "The officer on point duty told me to drive in here and run into the motorcycle..." "Policeman's bicycle." "He did, eh?" "Yes, sir." "Well, that's fine." "I suppose if he told you to pull out a gun and shoot me, you'd have done that, too." "Yes, sir." "What?" "No, sir." "Now, understand one thing." "No matter what anybody tells you to do, I'm running this beat." "All right, now, get out of here." "Thank you, sir." "Get out right now." "I don't mean a week from next Friday." "This very minute, right now." "Yes, sir." "Now, beat it." "I'll be out." "(ENGINE STALLING)" "Sorry, Officer." "I'm not an officer." "I'm the chauffeur of that car." "And let me tell you one thing." "Don't back into that car again." "I'm very sorry." "You get me?" "Yes, sir." "(ENGINE STALLING)" "Well, any time you're ready, Henry." "Sorry, madam." "Correct me if I'm wrong." "Did I tell you to get out of here, or didn't I tell you to get out of here?" "No, sir." "What?" "I mean, yes, sir." "You see, but I'm wedged in between these trunks in the front and the other gentleman in the..." "Oh, excuse me." "He isn't there." "(ENGINE STALLING)" "(WOMEN CHATTERING)" "What for you went back into the ambulance and throw out my brother, huh?" "I..." "I... (DOORBELL BUZZING)" "MAN:" "Does Mrs. Ambrose Wolfinger live here?" "Yes." "Flowers for Mrs. Neselrode." "Thank you." "These flowers are for you, dear." "(DOORBELL BUZZING)" ""Abide with Him."" ""Our deepest sympathy in your great bereavement." ""The steno department."" "What on earth?" "(DOORBELL BUZZING)" "What..." "What... (STAMMERS) What's this?" "What's this about?" ""Rest in peace."" "From Mr. Malloy." "Maybe something's happened to Claude." "Or Ambrose, or Hope." "Well, something has certainly happened to someone." "(DOORBELL BUZZING) Oh, dear, that bell." ""Mr. Peabody."" "Oh, I wish Claude were here!" "He could tell us what to do." "I'll telephone Ambrose." "Do!" "(RINGING)" "Hello?" "I want to speak to Mr. Ambrose Wolfinger, please." "Mr. Wolfinger isn't here this afternoon." "He's taking the afternoon off to attend his mother-in-law's funeral." "His mother-in-law's funeral?" "Why, that's absurd!" "Who is this speaking?" "This is Mrs. Ambrose Wolfinger." "My mother's not dead." "She's in perfect health!" "There must be some mistake." "Oh, I see." "Good day, Mrs. Wolfinger." "What in heaven's name is this all about?" "The second bout of the afternoon will be between... (CROWD ROARING)" "And here we have... (CROWD ROARING)" "(CROWD SHOUTING)" "(EXPLOSION)" "Easy, easy." "Easy." "Just another foot." "I thought you said another foot!" "I thought it was another foot." "I beg your pardon." "It was my mistake." "Pardon me." "When his car backed into yours..." "Yeah, well, it was my fault." "I told him to come back, you see, another foot." "Probably so, but the backing of the car released your wheel, and your wheel is now running down the street." "My wheel is running..." "Godfrey Daniel!" "Excuse me." "I'll be right back." "I'll pay for any damage." "Excuse me." "(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)" "(WHISTLE BLOWING)" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "(EXCLAIMING)" "Listen to this!" ""Poison liquor sends another victim to the grave today."" "Read that." ""When Mrs. Cordelia Neselrode, the 15th fatality, succumbed" ""complaining of a pain in her chest, she imbibed a small quantity of liquor" ""and within a few minutes, died." ""It was reported that the tragic details" ""were related by Mr. Ambrose Wolfinger," ""grieving son-in-law of the deceased."" "He's a fiend!" "A wool in sheep's clothing!" "A what?" "A wolf in sheep's clothing." "Oh, when Claude comes home tonight, he'll avenge his mother's honor!" "And now we come to the main bout of the afternoon." "In this corner we have... (CROWD ROARING)" "And over here we have... (CROWD ROARING)" "(MEN CHATTERING)" "(BELL DINGING)" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "Come on!" "(LAUGHS)" "Mr..." "(CROWD ROARING)" "MAN:" "No more standing room." "Any more sitting room?" "Any more..." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "Get the chauffeur's number." "Oh, Mr. Wolfinger." "What's happened?" "What's happened?" "I don't know." "I'm tired." "Oh, my goodness." "(SCOFFS)" "Drunk again and lying in the gutter." "Let go of his head, lady." "Why, he's dying." "Do something." "Oh, here's Claude." "Oh, Claude!" "Look out, Ma." "Have you seen the evening paper?" "Yes, and have you seen the flowers?" "No, but I saw Ambrose." "Has anything happened to Dad?" "Yes." "He's lost his position with the firm, and this afternoon he took a fiendish pleasure in telling Mr. Malloy and the newspapermen that my dear, sweet mother had died of alcoholic poisoning, and had gone to a drunkard's grave." "Yes, but you don't know that he then got his secretary and took her to the wrestling matches where they drank themselves into imbecility and fell into the gutter." "I don't believe it." "I don't believe a word of it." "(DOOR RATTLING)" "A little nose candy..." "A little nosegay, dear." "What does this mean?" "What does..." "Godfrey Daniel!" "Who's dead?" "Your perfidious brain is dead." "Dad, did you tell Mr. Malloy and the newspapers that Mrs. Neselrode died of alcoholic poisoning and went to a drunkard's grave?" "I did not tell the newspapers that Mrs. Neselrode died and went to a drunkard's grave." "Did you take your secretary to the wrestling matches this afternoon?" "Dear, I pledge you my word I did not take my secretary to the wrestling matches." "I took no one to the wrestling matches." "But I guess you did see the wrestling matches this afternoon, Dad." "No, the funny thing about it," "I didn't even see the wrestling matches this afternoon." "Is that the truth?" "Sweetheart, I take an oath on your poor mother's grave." "I never saw the wrestling matches this afternoon." "Things happened." "I believe you, Dad." "Oh, don't say anything more." "I know everything." "Now, don't cry, dear." "You're exaggerating things in your mind." "Don't lie to me." "My poor brain can't stand it!" "That black eye and your condition prove you were drunk and lying in the gutter!" "I was not drunk!" "There, I knew it." "What are you talking about?" "I saw you at the wrestling matches." "You were drunk, lying in the gutter, and you had your secretary with you, and she was drunk, too!" "Listen, Claude, I've had a lot of trouble in the last 24 hours, and I've just about heard enough from you." "I admit that I was wrong in asking for the afternoon off to go to the wrestling matches and giving, as an excuse, Mrs. Neselrode dying," "but that is all." "You were drunk, and you were lying in the gutter, and you did take your secretary!" "You keep quiet and let my father tell his story in his own way!" "Don't you yell at me or I'll slap you in the mouth!" "(GASPS)" "Oh, you fiend!" "You fiend!" "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "Dad!" "Dad!" "Let me go!" "Let me go!" "I'll knock them for a row of lib-labs." "Leave this house and never cross the threshold again, and take your ungrateful minx of a daughter with you!" "Dad, come on." "I'll exterminate the three of them." "Come on, we'll go for a little ride." ""Rest in peace."" "Come on." "(GROANS)" "Wait a minute, dear." "Well..." "Okay." "Did you ring, sir?" "Yes." "There's a Mr. Mockenbock who's arriving from Hungary tomorrow morning." "I see by the files that his rating is A-one and he's an important customer, but I can't find anything personal to talk to him about." "Where is Wolfinger?" "I discharged him." "What for?" "He lied to you, and he took the afternoon off, possibly to go to that wrestling match." "He's been talking about the wrestlers and bragging about his prowess as a wrestler for years." "Good gracious, you can't discharge the poor devil for taking one afternoon off in 25 years." "Now, get him back, and get him back as quickly as possible." "You've left us in a fine mess." "I want to get the data on Mr. Mockenbock at once." "Where does Mr. Wolfinger keep his files?" "They're in here, sir." "But I'm afraid they'll appear disordered to you." "I've tried to install a filing system but Mr. Wolfinger prefers his own methods." "So this is the famous filing system, eh?" "(SCREAMS)" "Where can we find Wolfinger?" "I don't know." "His wife has thrown him out of the house." "She informed me that he attended the wrestling matches yesterday, that this girl, his secretary, accompanied him, that they were both drunk, and that Wolfinger was found lying in the gutter." "This is a gross exaggeration and a fabrication!" "True, I did attend the wrestling matches, only because my mother is a very dear friend of Hookalakah Meshobbab, but when Hookalakah threw Tosoff from the ring, he struck poor Mr. Wolfinger in the chest, knocking him insensible." "What did you expect me to do, stand there like a dummy and watch my poor boss die in the gutter?" "I am sick and tired..." "You think I'm gonna take your word..." "Stop it!" "You've overstepped your authority." "Come into my office." "You get on that phone and locate Wolfinger, and stick to it if it takes all day!" "Yes, sir." "I don't understand how you could have used such bad judgment." "(PHONE RINGING)" "I'll get it, honey." "No, I'll get it, Dad." "Hello?" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Is this Miss Wolfinger?" "I've got it." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Mr. Malloy has spoken to me, and inasmuch as Mr. Wolfinger's been with the firm for more than two decades, he thinks that if Mr. Wolfinger will return to work and forget wrestling," "Mr. Malloy will accept my suggestion that he return to his old position." "Well, thank you." "I..." "I know he'd appreciate that if he were here, but he's in the shower." "He's going on an interview this morning to..." "Who's in the shower?" "Anybody in the..." "Dad, quiet." "What do you mean, "in the shower"?" "Dad, will you please sit down and be quiet?" "I say, he's going on an interview this morning to see Mr. Mo Littvack, the president of the Irish Woolen Mills." "Mo Littvack, president of the Irish Woolen Mills?" "Dad, please." "She says he's negotiating with the Irish Woolen Mills, Limited." "Offer him $75 a week and tell his daughter to get in touch with him immediately." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Mr. Malloy has just informed me that on account of his long association with your father he can offer $75 a week." "Well, I don't think that would be adequate." "I know that he's considering an offer of $100 a week with four weeks' vacation at full pay." "The Irish Woolen Mills have offered him $100 a week and four weeks' holiday on full salary." "All right, offer him the same, but have him report here in the morning." "How can he report in the morning if you're gonna give him a four weeks' holiday?" "Dash." "Dash!" "Dash!" "All right." "We'll meet the offer, but at the end of the four weeks," "I want him here on the job!" "Mr. Malloy will meet the offer." "You know what I was thinking I'd do?" "What, Dad?" "I thought I'd get down to the firm and tell them that I'd work for less money." "'Cause Claude and Mrs. Neselrode aren't living with us and our expenses aren't so high, so..." "Well, as a matter of fact I thought that I was so busy cooking I forgot to tell you that your firm wants you back at your old job at $100 a week with a four-week vacation at full pay and in advance." "I'm sorry I wasn't here, dear." "I'd have told them I wanted $200 a week a six months' vacation and full pay." "I want that paper to wrap up these belongings of Ambrose." "The weather's turning cold now and I want to take his underwear and socks over to him." "I think you're a perfect fool." "Why don't you let him come and get them himself?" "Please let me do things in my own way, and hand me that paper." "If you take that paper, he's sure to wake up." "You'd better stir yourself and go into town and look for a job." "This is just a lot of nonsense, taking a nap every morning after breakfast." "There, there." "There, cover up, you'll catch more cold." "Leave me alone, Ma." "I do believe you're still in love with that old fool." "That's a fine thing for you to call him after he went out of his way to invite you and Claude to go for a ride in his new car tomorrow." "I'll be back later." "Why, it's beginning to rain!" "Oh..." "Take a drink of this hot coffee, Dad." "Try one of these sandwiches."