"I'm not sick but I'm not well" "And I'm so hot" "Cos I'm in hell" "'So unhappy." "'I wonder if anyone has ever been this unhappy 'while drinking champagne?" "'" "You know, these are nice." "Nice shot of you two, nice font." "Just a great, all-round package." "That's the last bottle, OK?" "I'm saving it." "What for?" "In case you marry someone else called Sophie, who looks exactly like Sophie." "And you don't jilt her." "Paula..." "Yello." "How's my hot date for tonight?" "Hmm?" "Heather?" "Yeah, I think I remember." "Double date?" "Yeah, why not?" "Yeah, I think I've got just the guy." "Hang on." "Mark, double date tonight?" "N... no." "What's she like?" "Is she sexy?" "Mark, beggars can't be choosers." "She's an actual woman." "It's too early." "I'm not into it." "No, I'm still technically married." "I'm not safe to be reintroduced into society yet." "OK, I've got someone." "Tell her not to get her hopes up, but he's a safe pair of hands." "Yeah, see you there." "Bye-bye, bye, bye." "You're back in the game!" "God, no." "No, it's too early, cancel!" "Call back and cancel." "Tell her the whole story." "Although..." "Tell me more about her." "What's she like?" "Is she sexy?" "She's not too sexy, is she?" "She's Paula's friend." "Remember Paula?" "Tony's sister?" "Are you sure this isn't going to be a nightmare encounter?" "No, Paula's cool." "She's cultural." "We're going to see a play tonight." "A play" "I know, but relax." "It's all different now." "They've moved on." "They use proper actors." "Americans and people off the telly." "And they're all based on films, so it's fine." "We might need to tidy up a bit... and we might have to untape the DVD and video and TV and Sky remotes." "The Megatron?" "But..." "No." "It smells wrong." "The Megatron doesn't say urban free-wheelers." "It says sofa masturbators, you know." "Here we are." "What are you doing?" "Friends of the British Museum Magazine." "Clearly, I'm not a Johnny Depp, Tony Parsons hunk of the month." "I need my props." "I have my rituals." "Magazine under the arm, "Old Meg" in the wallet." "'Still two years off expiry. '" "There they are." "Heather's the blonde." "Oh, my God, look at her!" "She's perfect!" "I love her, Jez." "I don't know if I can do this." "You stay, I'm going to go home." "Tell her I love her." "Will you keep it together!" "Just play it cool." "'Maybe she's the one?" "My marriage was just a warm-up for the one. '" "Heather, this is Mark." "Um... hi." "Hi. 'Jeremy was right - she is an actual woman. '" "Shall we get a drink?" "Um..." "listen, thanks for stepping in at short notice." "Oh, wow, the Samurai exhibition." "Doesn't it look amazing?" "Well, I'm no expert but if it's old and it involves swords," "I'm basically interested." "I could get us tickets if that wasn't incredibly forward." "I'd love to cos I did a whole course on it in college, but I checked, it's all sold out for the next few weeks." "Well, it is to the shit-munchers, but I'm actually a friend of the British Museum." "Oh, right, well..." "Yeah, that would be great." "'Oh, my God!" "I've already closed on a second date." "'This magazine is sexual dynamite!" "'" "So, great to see you..." "Listen, Jez, there's something I need to tell you." "It's a bit difficult." "Oh, OK..." "The other day, I found out..." "Well, I was in the clinic and..." "Basically, I've got a sexually-transmitted disease." " It wasn't me." " I didn't say it was." "It's chlamydia." "I was just telling you in case you wanted to get tested." "Lots of times it's symptomless basically, so it's just..." "It's symptomless?" "Oh, right." "So what's the biggie?" "I mean, no-one minds if the Invisible Man comes to dinner." "'Maybe I can get into this." "Sexually transmitted disease." "'Sexually transmitted." "Sexually." "'Sexy." "I'm feeling sexy. '" "You haven't noticed any unusual discharge from your penis?" "'Not so sexy. '" "What, die for me?" "Away!" "Away, what way?" "I prithee speak more kindly." " Why dost thou frown?" "At whom?" " At thee." "Shall wait upon thy cup and fill thee nectar." "Their enticing eyes..." "With coronets of pearl and bells of gold circling their pretty arms, in a round ivory fount..." "Excuse me, please." "'He's leaving me with two women." "I can't date two women." "'I can barely date one!" "'This is amazing." "I wasn't meant to be out till 11 'and it's not even nine." "I've time travelled." "I've made time!" "'I could do anything." "I'm golden!" "'" "Here you go, mate." "Go and see the second half." "It's shit." "'Can't believe Jeremy left me to soak up the bad feeling 'like a hate sponge." "Lucky I'd already nailed the second date." "'Maybe she is the one." "'This time, try to definitely decide before doing a wedding." "Shit!" "'What?" "Break-in?" "'Hope he's not been murdered." "I bet he has." "That would be typical!" "'" "Jeremy?" "Mark, look." "Look what's bloody happened." "Have we been burgled?" "That's exactly what I thought." "Have you called the locksmith?" "Have the police already been?" "Well, no, I thought I'd check with you first." "Cos, you know, I didn't know..." "What do you call?" "Or do you do it all online now?" "Why haven't you done anything, Jeremy?" "I don't know." "Maybe I'm in shock." "I've lost some CDs." "Shit." "They've..." "They've taken my digital camera, my watch, my iPod!" "And they nicked my little bit of dope." "Actually, maybe I smoked that..." "They certainly nicked the PlayStation." "Shall we get some pizza?" "We're too stressed to cook." "The PlayStation?" "!" "The memory card!" "I'd nearly broken through on Medal Of Honor." "They've nicked 120 hours of quality me-time!" "Bloody hell!" "I know, everything's shit." "You've lost your iPod, I've got chlamydia." "American Hot?" "What?" "You've finally caught VD?" "Yeah, Paula told me." "Still, it's only chlamydia." "Symptomless." "Still, a bit of a pisser having to call all your exes?" "What?" "Oh, yeah..." "You are going to call all your exes?" "Big Suze?" "Well, yeah, yeah, at some point." "Jeremy, it makes women infertile." "Yeah, all right, Dr Miriam Stoppard." "Fine, I'll do it." "Jesus!" "Oh, my God!" "They did a shit." "Oh, God!" "That is so..." "Why do burglars do that?" "I think it's nerves or marking their territory." "Look, it's sort of all..." "Oh, that was me, actually." "Sorry." "I don't always remember to..." "I get distracted." "'The big date and she's 45 minutes late." "'Great I'm getting pitying smiles." "'Still, got the phone." "You're never alone with a phone." "'Look at that." "'No calls." "Everyone I know doesn't want to talk to me." "'Why isn't she texting?" "'Maybe she's dead?" "'Bereaved is better than stood up. '" "It's actually quite nice to see you, Jeremy." "Yeah." "So, I've been getting in touch with all my exes because there's something I need to tell them." "But I just thought, why not turn it into a bit of a date?" "Yeah?" "Well, I've got some news, too." "Me and Johnson are over." "He's looking for someone more subservient on the internet." "Is he?" "What a shit!" "So, what's your news?" "My news?" "What is my news?" "My news... is that..." "I've just got this hunch that everything's gonna turn out OK in Iraq." "Iraq?" "Yeah, everyone seems to have this massive downer on the whole thing but I say, "It ain't over till it's over, baby."" "So, what shall we have to drink to celebrate?" "Well, a Barolo is always nice." "'Shit." "'Can't ask how much." "Restaurant." "'You have to pretend you're infinitely wealthy, for some reason." "OK." "'Flicking, looking." "If only I knew the name of any other wine." "What's a wine?" "'Is the one Hannibal Lecter drinks real or a joke?" "'" "A bottle of Barolo it is." "Lovely!" "'There it is!" "Oh, shit." "No!" "45 quid!" "'I've just spent 45 quid on wine. '" "I'm paying, I assume." "Well, you did invite me." "Of course." "'There's a fiver's worth right there. '" "Oh, that is fantastic!" "This... this is wine." "Yeah, look at what these idiots are drinking." "Look at these dicks." "Huh!" "Obviously, it's not really delicious, like hot chocolate or Coke, but for wine..." "Mwah!" "Brilliant." "'Oh, everyone in that restaurant knew I'd been stood up." "'I'd feel better if she had had an accident." "'I could go to the hospital." "I might get to switch off the machine." "'Would that be good?" "'Married one, killed one." "'I'd be a pint-sized Henry Vlll." "'That's her!" "'Maybe I should hide." "Actually, fuck it!" "'" "Heather!" "Hello, Heather." "Mark?" "Mark!" "Oh, it is so good to see you." "Uh-huh?" "'Oh, yeah, course it is." "I'm just the man you wanted to see. '" "I'm so sorry." "What a day!" "I lost my phone and it had your number and also the address of the restaurant, and I didn't know where..." "'Almost plausible. '" "I cycled back this way cos I thought..." "Your place is somewhere near here?" "Oh, right." "So what do you think?" "A bit late or?" "'I'm going to have my pound of date. '" "No, it's not too late." "Let's go for a drink." "We were going to have a date, let's have a date." "Great!" "Is there anywhere nice around... here?" " No." " Well, it's a bit late to go into town." "Look, we're right by my place." "We could always have a drink up there if you didn't think it too weird." "It'd be nice to see your place." "'She's coming back to my place." "'She trusts me." "It's still possible she stood me up, 'but she almost definitely doesn't consider me a physical threat. '" "I'm really glad that we did manage to meet up, cos I don't know what I'd have done with this, otherwise." "Samurai, The World Of The Warrior!" "It really is the only book you need on Samurai culture... '... that I could find for under 15 quid. '" "Oh, Mark, that is thoughtful." "'Oh, yeah, getting kissed by the one!" "'" "Oh, look at this, Jeremy left the bloody door on the..." "Jeremy!" "Hello." "Hi." "What are you?" " I'm..." "I'm looking for..." "Kenny?" " Kenny's not here." "Oh." "OK, then, I'll just..." " No. 'Oh, my God, what am I doing?" "'" " Can I?" "I've got asthma!" "What the fuck are you doing?" "!" "'I'm wrestling with the white working class." "Morse never did this. '" "Just shut up!" "'I'm better than Morse!" "'" " Wow, Mark!" "You totally took him out!" " 'Oh, yeah, baby!" "'" "Yeah, well, my home is my castle." "Look..." "Get off, I was just..." "You were coming back for what you didn't get last week!" "That's my bloody watch!" "You've got my watch on!" "Police, please." "Yes, I've apprehended a burglar." "Flat 5, Apollo House, London Road, Croydon." "45 minutes?" "!" "But..." "I'm sitting on him - is that legal?" "OK." "Who needs a Samurai exhibition when you get a Samurai display?" "Look, if you want, we can do this another time." "No, I can't leave you now." "You might need..." "That's great." "I think I'm OK with him, but it would be good to have someone else there with a bottle or a spanner to bonk him on the head with if he tries anything." "This is a nice place." "Thank you." "If she spanners me I'll kick off." "It's good to get a foot on the ladder." "Plus, I've got pension provision coming out of my arse." "There's wine in the fridge." "'This is turning out pretty well." "This could be a funny family story." "'We met when he sat on a burglar. '" "Mark, what are you doing?" "Who are you sitting on?" "It's a burglar!" "Oh, my God!" "I'm not!" "I got the wrong flat, I'm looking for Kenny." "I'm asthmatic." "We need money for our meter." " Oh, the plot thickens." " He might've got the wrong flat." "That's right!" "Take his side." "You've only known me for 15 years, whereas he's a pillar of society" " Stop sitting on him." "You look a dick." " You didn't see him take him down." " Hi, I'm Heather." " Hi." "Look, Heather, can you watch him?" "I'll double-lock the door and then we can all go through into the living room and just all keep an eye on him there, OK?" "Oh, guard duty, great vibe." "Just put him in the kitchen with a couple of Garfield's." "What you think he's going to do?" "I think, Jeremy, that he's going to try and nick our stuff, all right?" "So..." "What's going on for you, man?" "For God's sake, Jeremy, don't try to bond." "Did you run away from home?" "Are you a rent boy and everything?" "Fuck off, I'm looking for Kenny." "Look, let's just try to continue our evening as if he wasn't here and if he tries to escape, I'll just have to... take him down." "'I've got balls like baked potatoes. '" "And how would you "take him down", just out of interest?" "With extreme prejudice or On Her Majesty's Secret Service?" "Has anyone seen the new Tom Hanks film with him in the?" "Saw it on pirate." "It's shit." "Look, shut up!" "You are not part of this conversation!" "Oh, look, this is too weird." "Let's lock him away somewhere until the police arrive." "Good." "We're trying to relax." "He's your guest - put him in your room." " He might do a shit in there." " I'm not gonna shit!" "Mark, everyone in London is not trying to do a shit on your possessions." "Relax." "What's this?" "'Oh, the Megatron is shrinking my massive balls. '" "That..." "What is?" "Did you do that?" "You're sick!" "What?" "Why don't we tie him up in the bath?" "I guess we could tie him up in the bath but it might feel like we'd crossed a bit of a line." "Why don't we burn him with cigarettes?" "He might tell you where your stuff is." "We are not going to burn him." " Suze, that's horrible!" " She's only brainstorming." "I think the best thing for you is if we just stick you out on the balcony." "Oh, the balcony, you serious?" "It's fucking raining." "What about my human rights?" "There's no human right to be dry." "You have a look for Kenny out there." "'That felt good." "Maybe I should join the prison service. '" "This is quite a weird date, Jeremy." "Even weirder than when we went to Laser Quest" " and you tried to hump me in the dark." " Jeremy." "Since when are you on a date with Big Suze?" "What about the chlamydia, didn't she mind?" "Er, no." "Not really." "Oh, my God, you haven't told her!" "You're disgusting!" "According to Johnson, they're not even definitely broken up." "I won't let you do this, Jeremy!" "If necessary, I'll stand physically between you." "Mark..." "If I have to fuck you to fuck her, then I will." "So you be careful where you stand, OK?" " Is he on the phone?" " Oh, God..." "'Guantanamo is compromised!" "'" "Give me that." "Who are you phoning?" "Just calling my mates..." "All my mates." "They're coming over." "Oh, fucking hell!" "Let's just get him out of here." "No, the police will be here soon, Jeremy." "Any minute now our door will get kicked down by 100 maniacs with no stake in society." "Is that your idea of a relaxing date?" " We've got to tough it out." " Fine, you're a knob." "Good luck with your civilisation." "I'm barricading myself in my room." "Suze!" "'Great, it's me protecting civilisation again while Jeremy has sex." "'If this was the war, I'd be getting shot by Rommel 'while he was in Paris getting a blow-job from a Nazi. '" "Sorry it's been such a weird evening." "Memorable, though." "'Maybe I can raise the temperature a bit?" "'" "So... here we are, on bed together." "'Bit too much?" "'" "Look at that..." "Look how much bigger my feet are than yours." "I'm not boasting, they just are." "'Oh, yeah, now she's getting hot'" "Oi!" "Come on, Mark - hurry up and open up!" "Let's have you!" "Mark, the barbarians are at the gate!" "It's your responsibility!" "Ignore the banging and the threats, Heather." "Relax and have some cheese." "'Ls cheese relaxing?" "'" "They're going to get in and have us all, Mark." "Just let him go, OK?" "No, Jeremy, that's not how I roll..." "You know that." "We know he's fuckin' in there." "Let him out, you mug!" "'That little dick!" "If they come in here and kill me 'before I get to have sex, I'm going to be so annoyed." "'Oh, fuck it!" "'" "I'll let you go, cos I'm a really nice guy like that, but promise you won't burgle us again." "We've got a bond." "'I think he likes me. '" "I'm going to let you go now, but if you ever come back, then me and my mate will go mental." "OK?" "'OK, this is good." "'He'll probably write a rap about how amazing I am. '" " 'Shit!" "'" " Hattie's got a massive TV." "Give us your TV or we'll fucking rush you." "'Don't hurt my lovely face!" "'" "'God, she's lovely." "But how do I take it to the next level?" "'Boast about the size of my hands?" "'Tell her she might be the one?" "What have I got to lose?" "'" "Well, it's been fun." "I'm really glad we did meet up, but..." "Maybe I should..." "Yeah, I guess you probably should." "But there is the mob, so the mob probably means you can't actually go just yet." "Shall I top you up?" "'Thanks, mob. '" "THUMP" "Fuck!" "Shit!" "Careful!" "Quick, let's go, boys." "What the?" "!" "What's going on, Jeremy?" "!" "He escaped, he overpowered me." "They got in." "Stop!" "Stop, thieves!" "Fuck off, clean shirt!" "The front door was locked!" "You let them in, didn't you, Jeremy?" " No." " Then how did he open the door?" "!" "Well, maybe you should chase them down, Mark." "Maybe if your date saw you beating up a whole gang of children, that would get her hot." "'Right, you shit." "It's mutually-assured destruction!" "'" "Suze, I'm afraid I have to inform you that Jeremy has or may have a sexually transmitted disease." " I'm sorry I had to tell you..." " Shut up!" "Is it AIDS?" "Of course it's not AIDS." "This isn't the '80s." "It's the best STD." "Just cute, old, mostly symptomless chlamydia." "And I haven't even definitely..." "Chlamydia?" "!" "When were you going to tell me, Jeremy?" "I don't know." "Probably..." "I was going to tell you, sensitively, during the next little bit of time, until he just blurted it all out." "Look, Suze, no...!" "Suze!" "Don't go!" "You can't go." "Mark, I need to go." "The police will be here any minute, and I'm not telling them I let the burglar go." "That's your job." " You're an accessory to the crime." " Bollocks!" "Jeremy, if you try anything, I will take you down." "I'm not afraid." "Ooh!" "I can't wait to see this." "What are you going to do?" "Oh, my God!" "What are you doing?" "Are you putting your hand on me?" "Are you having a fight with me?" "Are you fighting me?" "I'm doing what I've got to do." " I'm going to go, Mark." " No, Jeremy." "My God, you are!" "You are fighting me!" "This is incredible!" "You are putting your foot behind me and you're pushing me down towards the floor!" "Finally, you're restraining me!" "OK, I'm not going to hurt you." "I'm just keeping you here till the police arrive." "This is..." "Why hasn't this happened before?" "This is what it's all been leading towards!" "I'm confiscating your keys." "Have a good rootle around - you never know what you might find." "Mark, Mark..." "I'm not sure how much more there is I can do here, so I might head off." "No, no, no, we're having a date." "We can still date." "You owe me a date." "We've had our date, Mark." "We've had half an hour date." "20 minutes, it's too soon." "You can't go yet." "I won't let you go." "I think it might take the edge off the evening if I'm being held hostage!" "Look, I wanted to tell you something." "Nothing's going to happen." "We're not a good fit." "You're a weird guy." "He is a weird guy." "I tried to let you down gently with the phone story but now I'm tired and I'm going home." "What did you want to tell me?" "I thought that... you might be... the one, but... but..." "I guess probably not, so..." "Good night." "'Night." "She might be the one." "Fuck off, Jeremy." "'I'm his one. '" "Paranoia, paranoia" "Everybody's comin' to get me" "Just say you never met me" "I'm runnin' underground with the moles, digging' holes"