"And one, two, three, four, five, six..." "Best time I got caught jerking off?" "Pro football hall of fame, eighth grade." "I got caught behind the Jim Thorpe statue." "I love Jim Thorpe!" "We all do, Larry." "Wow, crazy jerk-off stories." "You guys are sitting 20 feet away from hot cheerleaders, telling each other your crazy jerk-off stories." "You're just jealous 'cause you don't have one." "I have one!" "I actually have one of the best of all time." "I got caught on a roller coaster." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "That's not even that good." "I got caught at a Radiohead concert." "Radiohead?" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "I got caught in Alex's room!" "(LAUGHS) And?" "And there were girls there, so..." "That's the lamest jerk-off story I've ever heard in my life." "Yeah, that's because I'm saving the best jerk-off story for last." "And here we go..." "I got caught by all the cheerleaders." "What?" "These cheerleaders?" "Yup." "They made me." "Cheerleaders, get over here!" "(INDISTINCT)" "They're just gonna deny it 'cause I'm here." "So..." "Hey, mascot said that you guys made him jerk off in front of you." "Is that true?" "What?" "No." "You're lying!" "You're probably just saying that because you don't have a crazy masturbating story either!" "Uh..." "Yes, we do." "We talk about it all the time." "(GASPS) Really?" "Would you care to elaborate a little bit?" "Well, just yesterday in the locker room, we started telling this story..." "Show us your knockers!" "(SIGHS)" "Come on, girls." "Practice is over." "Wait." "No, no, no, no, no!" "No, no, no, come back!" "What the hell is wrong with you?" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "COACH DANIELS:" "Recruit weekend." "That means the top high-school prospects in the nation are arriving at our school today." "And none is more important than Mack Parker, a.k.a. Golden Arm." "I want you to get him shitfaced." "Let him bulldoze your girlfriend." "I don't care how you do it." "I just want his signature in blood on this letter of intent by Sunday." "Am I understood?" "ALL:" "Yes, sir!" "If Golden Arm comes here next year," "I'm gonna be second string for life." "This..." "That's a dream there." "I've just got to make it happen." "You put so much effort into slacking off." "It's almost inspiring." "Thanks, bro." "Okay." "All right, what you're receiving now is a most-wanted list." "It's got the names and the faces of the top prospects that are gonna be here today." "Know them, want them, love them." "Oh, shit!" "Batman Barstow." "You know him?" "Yeah." "He and I grew up together." "He used to be like a little brother to me." "He used to go out with Denise way back when." "DANIELS:" "So who's gonna step up?" "Who's gonna show Golden Arm the night of his life?" "I am, Coach!" "That was a rhetorical question, Thad, but I appreciate your fire." "Hey, so I think it's awesome you want to show Golden Arm a good time, but, you know," "I got this whole plan." "And it's probably better." "Bullshit!" "You don't want him here 'cause you don't want him to start over you next year." "Well, guess what?" "I'm gonna get him here just like I got you here, 'cause I'm the master." "Hmm." "The cheerleaders got me here." "(ALL CHEERING)" "(SAMMY CHANTING)" "Everybody, stand up." "Applause." "Applause." "Oh, my God." "Look at how many cars there are." "There's got to be a million people in those things." "Come on, guys." "Everybody, get up." "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "(LAUGHING) Batman has arrived." "Batman?" "Huh!" "Hey, what's up?" "There he is." "Hi." "What's up, Batman?" "Craig Shilo." "Whoo!" "Oh, man, you got big, kid." "Yeah, B-12 and Wheaties, man." "Yeah, right, Wheaties sprinkled with HGH." "I mean, you couldn't hold my jock nine months ago." "But I did." "And now it's your turn to hold mine." "What's that supposed to mean?" "It means I'm coming for you, Shilo." "My whole life was spent in your shadow." "Games, press, girlfriends." "But now I'm coming to BMS next year to make you my Boy Wonder." "(LAUGHS)" "Denise around?" "Hey, Golden Arm!" "I'm Alex Moran." "I'll be your second-string quarter..." "Watch the arm, asshole." "I didn't realize that..." "And stop talking." "I'm not your friend." "All right?" "I'm not gonna go grab a drink with you, 'cause I don't drink." "I'm not gonna smoke a bowl with you, 'cause I don't smoke." "And I'm not gonna go chase chicks with you, 'cause my dad says women are poison." "So unless you want to talk football," "I suggest you leave me alone." "You're here!" "Oh, I'm so glad!" "We're gonna have so much fun." "Watch it." "You watch it!" "Oh, you're gonna get so wasted tonight." "You're gonna have vajayjay coming out of your ears." "I don't think..." "Shut up, moron!" "Go pack us a bowl." "Come on, let's go have some fun!" "(WHISTLING)" "Come in!" "Don't knock." "Just come in." "Sammy, put your dick back in your pants." "Open the door, Alex." "Just open the door!" "No, not until you put it away." "How did you know?" "Come on, bro, I've known you since kindergarten." "Oh, man." "Plus you can't force a crazy jerk-off story." "You know?" "You kinda gotta just let it happen organically." "Let it happen organically?" "Okay, why are you winking at me?" "Okay." "Sammy, normally I'd help you in this kind of situation, but I got bigger problems of my own, man." "All right?" "I just found out Golden Arm's straight edge, and now I gotta go to plan B." "You are not gonna see this coming." "(BUZZING)" "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "(BUZZING STOPS)" "Hey." "Hey." "Golden Arm." "Hey, man, I was just gonna go for my 6:00 a.m. run." "Wondered if you wanted to join." "Actually just got back from my 5:00 a.m. run, but, yeah, I could sneak in another one before my workout." "What?" "5:00..." "So football, huh?" "What's your favorite play?" "Touchdowns." "Oh, cool!" "Oh, shit!" "Shoe's untied." "You've really got to get new laces, man." "Yeah." "Those things are coming undone every two minutes." "Buenos morning, slowpokes." "Oh, that's great." "Let's go!" "What's the haps, Golden Arm?" "This guy giving you shit?" "We're actually talking about football." "Football?" "Yeah." "What do you know about football?" "This guy can't throw a huddle." "That's why we need you here next year." "Fair warning, we do haze freshmen." "It's all in good fun though." "Wham!" "See?" "(LAUGHING)" "I hate that guy." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "(RAPPING)" "He doesn't really have a gun." "We're really safe here." "Oh, thank you!" "Here." "See, the great thing about BMS is that there's no pressure to drink... (GUY WHOOPING) ...and they offer healthy alternatives like wheatgrass and vegetables." "Thanks." "(CHOKES)" "Hello, Alex." "It's me, your professor from class." "Hey, Professor!" "I think I know what you're doing." "Relax." "This'll help the both of us." "I would just like to say how impressed I am with your dedication this year, both on and off of the field." "Thank you, Professor." "I can see it coming, mostly because of all the winking." "Now a question for the gentleman to your right." "Would you mind accompanying me to the roof?" "I would like to show you..." "Blow yourself, mascot!" "(LAUGHS) Yeah, get down on that Johnson!" "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Stupid mascot!" "Got you good!" "What the heck is it gonna take to get this guy?" "ALL: (CHANTING) Batman, Batman, Batman, Batman!" "Oh, this is serious, Craig." "You gotta do something." "SHILO:" "I'm not worried about him." "You should be." "High school is over." "You're up against a new class of competition now." "We've got to protect ourselves." "Go talk to one of your classmates." "I'm sure 80% of them are juicing." "You don't think I could take him?" "Oh, no, that's not what I'm saying at all." "It's just that HGH is sexy." "(GIRLS GIGGLING)" "Yes, Dad, the arm is safe." "Hi." "Three poops, 11 pees." "Okay." "I love winning too, Dad." "Hey, man, come on." "Come on!" "No, thank you." "This party's too "cool" for me." "What?" "I'm looking for a serious football school." "No, no, this is a serious football school." "Well, here's the thing." "You only met the team assholes." "Let me introduce you to the Dicks." "Dick Walters, Dick Haffey," "Dick Bedrosian, Dick Mara and Dick Kelly, also known as your offensive line." "They're all named Dick?" "No, that's like..." "That's a metaphor." "But still..." "Not bad." "Not bad?" "They only allowed three sacks all year last year." "I like where your head's at, Moran." "Great." "Something my dad always says, a quarterback's like a boner in a whorehouse." "You're only as good as your protection." "Your father's an eloquent man." "And this is the best protection that you're ever gonna have." "All right?" "I'm telling you, no one's getting through this offensive line." "Excuse me." "What?" "What are you doing?" "(SHUSHING)" "What are you..." "I had him." "Oh, yeah, you had him." "You had him going to a different school." "What are you giving him?" "Painkillers." "I just punched him in the face." "He's gonna have the hugest headache tomorrow." "Larry, letter!" "THAD: (SOFTLY) Golden..." "Golden Arm is not even his real name." "Plus this isn't how this works, Thad." "Oh, it isn't?" "No." "Worked on me." "I came here my senior year, some dude knocked me out." "I woke up the next morning, saw the signed letter of intent and said, "Well, shit, I guess I'm going to BMS."" "And guess whose balls Coach is gonna be licking tomorrow?" "Here's a hint." "Mine." "(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)" "MORAN:" "Excuse me, excuse me!" "Coming through!" "He's kind of half dead." "SAMMY:" "Alex, look up here." "Look at me." "Come on, man." "I'm doin' it." "No, I'm not looking up there!" "SAMMY:" "Oh, yeah." "Feels nice." "Come on!" "Is he dead?" "No, not yet." "I don't..." "I don't know." "Now I gotta get him out of here." "Why don't you take Batman with you?" "He thinks he owns this place!" "MORAN:" "Yeah?" "Well, show him the offensive line." "Denise?" "Denise, what are you doing?" "Just dancing with an ex-boyfriend." "Do something about it." "You know I can't wait to get you all plumped up again." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up, man!" "Not till you admit that I'm better than you, Shilo." "You'll never be as good as me." "You know why?" "Because you don't got the instinct." "All that fake muscle can't make up for a real back's instinct on a field." "And that's where I disagree." "Oh, yeah?" "All right." "Well, let's settle this tonight." "A hundred yard dash, you versus me, end zone to end zone." "Columbus rules, baby, just like back in the day." "Winner stays here, loser finds a new school." "Winner gets to stay here with Denise..." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Next year." "You're on." "Where are my ladies at?" "Did you just wager me on a foot race?" "Seriously?" "I got this." "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "Golden Arm!" "Did Moran take him?" "That son of a bitch!" "Golden..." "Larry, go wait by the truck." "I'm going to get my gun." "What the hell are you doing?" "Dude, I'm sorry, I just..." "I needed to take a little boost of something." "I messed up bad tonight." "Do have any idea how hard it is to get good rabies out here?" "What are you talking about, rabies?" "You just stole my rabies." "This is rabies?" "Oh, my God!" "I feel like I'm talking to a wall right now." "So this isn't steroids?" "This is rabies?" "Oh, my God!" "Larry, I'm about to flip out on this guy." "Me, too!" "Dude, what are you doing keeping rabies in your drawer?" "Before big games I shoot rabies." "It gives me the edge I need and it's undetectable." "Only idiot losers do steroids anymore." "Rabies?" "Larry, get the car!" "I'm done with this guy." "I don't even care if you took my rabies!" "Keep it!" "Just get out of my life!" "I just took rabies." "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "What are these things called again?" "Ah, those are nachos." "Get it while it's hot." "Whoo!" "Incredible." "Not as incredible as you were tonight." "You were the best." "What did I do?" "You don't remember?" "No." "Oh, man, so much cool stuff." "Yeah." "You're, like, already a legend and you haven't even thrown a pass yet." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "It's my dad." "Don't act drunk." "Am I drunk?" "No." "No, no, no!" "Just a little bit." "Just act cool." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Hello?" "Yeah, I'm in bed." "No, I'm not drinking." "No, it's the TV in the background." "No, Dad, don't come." "Don't come pick me up!" "Dad, I'm a legend here!" "Come on!" "Yeah, great." "Great!" "(DISCONNECTS)" "That was great." "He's gonna kill me." "He's gonna kill me!" "(SOBBING)" "All right, let me be honest with you here, okay?" "Man, don't take this the wrong way, but your dad is a controlling dick." "He's not that bad." "Oh, no?" "He won't let you eat what you want." "He won't let you drink what you want." "Cheers, by the way." "(EXCLAIMS)" "He won't let you have sex with who you want." "And then he says you can't go to the school that you want?" "I say no." "You tell your dad, "I'm going to Blue Mountain State." ""And I'm gonna beat Alex Moran for the starting position next year," ""and the year after that, and the year after that."" "Right!" "Yes!" "It's my decision anyways, right, if I want to go to Blue Mountain State?" "Forget my dad." "Right." "I want to hang with you next year, dude!" "You'd let me hang with you?" "I'm going to Blue Mountain State!" "Yeah." "BMS, baby!" "All the way!" "Whoo!" "That's what I'm talking about!" "Beers all around!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "BMS!" "I love this place!" "Golden Arm, Blue Mountain State!" "Whoo!" "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "(EXCLAIMS)" "So, you know my mom can't wait to see you again, girl." "Oh-ho, Boy Wonder finally shows up!" "Craig, you okay?" "Stop talking." "Excuse me?" "Stop talking and go make me some tacos!" "Ew!" "(EXCLAIMS)" "Oh, shit!" "What did you do?" "Did you kill him?" "Moran, you were driving!" "What?" "No way!" "No!" "Yes." "Uh..." "Okay." "Larry, you were driving." "Okay." "Okay?" "Who gives a shit?" "Call an ambulance!" "(CRAIG GROWLING)" "There's still time to back out, Shilo." "(GROWLS)" "Hey, you okay, man?" "Let's do this!" "Okay." "They want a crazy jerk-off story?" "I'll give them a crazy jerk-off story." "(EXHALES)" "Here we go." "Up!" "On your marks, get set go!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Jesus Christ, man, you okay?" "(GROWLS)" "(BARKING)" "You talkin' to me?" "In my house?" "(GRUNTING)" "(YELLS)" "Good luck seeing this coming." "(EXCLAIMS)" "(SAMMY LAUGHING)" "(EXCLAIMING)" "(LAUGHS)" "(HOWLS)" "I did it." "I knew it." "That asshole broke my nose with his dick!" "Yes, I knew we could do it!" "I'm gonna need you to take me to the hospital." "Is he okay?" "He's gonna be okay, right?" "Going to Blue Mountain State!" "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "Shit." "Shit." "SAMMY:" ".Tonight's episode featured music by Rev Theory,"