"Morning, sir." "Doctor." " Something wrong?" " Yes." "There's something odd about him that I can't pinpoint." "A hasty judgment." "Mr Norman has only been aboard 72 hours." "I know he doesn't strike me right." "Specifics, Doctor." "Labels do not make arguments." "All right." "He never smiles, his conversation never varies from the routine of the job and he won't talk about his background." " l see." " Spock... I mean, it's odd for a non-Vulcan." "The ears make all the difference." "I find your argument strewn with gaping defects in logic." "You can't evaluate a man by logic alone." "Besides, he has avoided two appointments for his physical exam." "That's not surprising." "He's probably terrified of your beads and rattles." "Command personnel only." "Yes, Mr Sulu?" "There's an unplanned course change being fed in." "Correct it." "I can't, sir." "Auxiliary control, this is the captain." "What's going on down there?" "Sir, auxiliary control is on total override." " Kirk to security." " Lieutenant Rowe here." " Intruder alert, auxiliary control." " Acknowledged." "Uhura, have Mr Spock report to the bridge." " Aye, sir." " What's the imposed course?" "Turning on 307 degrees, mark 8." "Being executed now, sir." "Take care of him." " Security to Captain Kirk." " Kirk here." "Lieutenant Rowe." "I'm in auxiliary control." "Jordan's been knocked out." "The master controls have been jammed." " Any sign of the intruder?" " No, sir." " l've put out a full security alert." " Find him." "Kirk out." " We're taking an unscheduled ride." " Interesting." "Mr Sulu, cut in emergency manual monitor. I want the override broken." "Sir, the instruments won't respond." "Emergency manual monitor, report." "This is Captain Kirk." "Acknowledge." "Emergency manual monitor, report." "You're not allowed..." "Acknowledge." "This is the captain." "Scotty, acknowledge." "Scotty, what's going on?" "Kirk to engineering." "Scotty, report!" "Scotty, the intruder is in your area." "What's going on, Scotty?" " Captain, he's here." " Scotty." "Scotty?" "Scotty?" "Security, the intruder's in the engineering section." "We're picking up speed." "Warp 5...6...7, sir." "Cut power." " All the controls are jammed." " Spock, take a look." "It will not be necessary, Captain." "Tell security we've found the intruder." " What's this all about?" " l am in total control of your ship." "I have connected the antimatter pods to the main navigational bank." "A trigger relay is in operation." "Any attempts to alter course will cause the destruction of this vessel." " Spock?" " Confirmed, Captain." "He's taken out the override controls." "If we tamper without knowing where the trigger relay is, we could extinguish ourselves." "Who are you?" "I assure you, we are no threat to humanity or humanoid life." "We mean you no harm, but we require your ship." "You require..." "Who and what are "we"?" "Space - the final frontier." "These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise." "Its five-year mission, to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilisations, to boldly go where no man has gone before." " An android." " And sophisticated." "I control the trigger relay, sir." "I cannot be overcome by physical means and if you use phasers, the trigger relay will be activated." "We shall continue on our present course for four solar days, at which time we shall arrive at our destination." "Who sent you?" "I am not programmed to respond in that area." "He appears to have turned himself off, Captain." "And since we cannot repair the damage... lt seems we're going to take a little trip." "Captain's log, stardate 4513.3." "Having been taken over by an android, we've been underway at warp 7 for four days." "Now we are entering orbit around an uncharted planet." "Captain Kirk." "The following individuals will be transported to our planet." "Yourself, science officer, medical officer, communications officer and navigator." "Any meetings can be held aboard ship." "If you do not come, your engines will be destroyed and you will remain in orbit here for ever." " That's a gracious invitation." " There is a word." "Among us, there is no corresponding meaning." "But it seems to mean something to you humans." " And what is that word?" " "Please"." "Our planet surface is what you classify as K-type, adaptable for humans by use of life-support systems." " l have brought them." " He is waiting." "If you will follow us, please." " l...don't believe it." " Welcome aboard, Kirk." " lt's been a long time, eh?" " Harry Mudd!" "Well, to be absolutely accurate, you should refer to me as Mudd I, ruler of this entire sovereign planet." "Ruler?" "Harry, I want control of my ship." "We don't intend to stay." "I'm afraid there's a problem there." " Kirk to Enterprise." " Alice." "Now, now, Jamie, boy, let's have no unauthorised communications." " You know this man, Captain?" " Do I know him!" " Harcourt Fenton Mudd, thief..." " Come, now!" " Swindler..." " Entrepreneur." " Liar..." " Was that your impression?" " l thought I left you in jail." " And thereby hangs a tale." "Yes." "But look round you, Kirk." "Quite a place here, isn't it?" " l hope you're going to enjoy it." " Mudd!" "I want your machine, Norman, to deactivate the trigger mechanism and free my ship." " l shall, when I'm ready." " l'm telling you now!" "I do the telling on this planet, Kirk, old boy." "You do the listening." "All right. I'll listen." "What do you want to tell me?" "You might as well enjoy yourselves." "It's a very nice place." "And you're all going to be here, quite probably, for the rest of your lives." "Harry Mudd." "You're a liar and an outlaw in deep trouble." "I want my ship released." "Sorry." "That'd be against the law." "My law." "Decreed by Mudd I." "Voted in by the resident population." "Lovely, aren't they?" "You must admit, I still retain my eye for beauty." "I decreed I should be surrounded by it." "My decrees always come to pass." "I've had 500 of them made up to attend me." "All of them identical." "Beautiful, compliant, obedient." "500 of the same model?" "That seems redundant." "I have a fondness for this model, Mr Spock, which you, unfortunately, are ill-equipped to appreciate." "How did you get here?" "We left you in custody after that affair on the planet Rigel." "I organised an information service, bringing modern techniques to backward planets, making available valuable patents to struggling civilisations." "Did you pay royalties to the owners of those patents?" "Er..." "Actually, Kirk, as a defender of the free enterprise system, I found myself in an ambiguous conflict as a matter of principle." " He did not pay royalties." " Knowledge should be free to all." " Who caught you?" " That is an outrageous assumption!" "Yes." "Who caught you?" "I sold the Denebians all the rights to a Vulcan fuel synthesiser." "And they contacted the Vulcans?" " How did you know?" " l would have." "Typical police." "No sense of humour." "They arrested me." " Shocking." " Worse than that!" "You know the penalty for fraud on Deneb V?" "Guilty party has his choice - death by electrocution, death by phaser, death by hanging..." "The key word in your entire peroration, Mr Spock, was "death"." "Barbarians." "Of course, I left." " He broke jail." " l borrowed transportation." " He stole a spaceship." " The patrol was hostile." " They fired at him." " They damaged the bloody spaceship!" "Well, I got away, but I couldn't navigate, so I wandered out through unmapped space and here I found..." "Mudd." "You went to substantial risk to fetch a starship." "You must have a compelling motive." "Spock, you're going to love it here." "They all talk like you." " Get on with it, Harry." " Yes, well, right, laddybuck." "So here I am, in a planet, with over 200,000 hardworking, happy androids, all of whom exist merely to serve my every whim." "It's absolute paradise." "Then I see no problem." "They won't let me go." "They want to study me." "They want to learn more about human beings." " They picked a fine representative." " Watch your tongue!" "I'm Mudd I." "Well, anyway, I ran out of ideas." "I simply ran out of things for them to do." "They insisted I bring them more human beings." "They need human beings to serve, to study." "So, I had to promise them a prime sample." "A starship captain." "Bright, loyal, fearless and imaginative." "I was lucky enough to get you." "So you take over from me and I get back to civilisation." " l think not." " You misunderstand me." "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you." "You've no choice." " Show them to their quarters." " Yes, my Lord Mudd." "This way, please." "Harry, what's this?" "Ah!" "That, gentlemen, is a shrine to the memory of my beloved Stella." " Who?" " Stella." "My wife." " Dead?" " Oh, no, no." "Merely deserted." "You see, behind every great man, there is a woman urging him on." "Stella urged me on into outer space." "Not that she meant to." "But with her continual, eternal, confounded nagging..." "Well, I think of her constantly." "And every time I do, I go further into space." "Interesting." "You leave your wife and then bring her along." "I had a replica constructed so I could gaze upon her and rejoice in her absence." "Gentlemen, attend." " Stella, dear." " Harcourt!" "Harcourt Fenton Mudd!" "What have you been up to?" "Nothing good, I'm sure." "Let me tell you, you good-for-nothing..." " Shut up!" " Thing..." "Thing..." "Thing..." "Marvellous, isn't it?" "I finally have the last word with her." "And with you." "You'll find this comfortable." "Your quarters are down the hall." " lf there is anything you need..." " Yes, my ship." "We are not programmed to respond in that area." "Norman, who created you?" "The makers." "They came from the galaxy of Andromeda." "Then your makers weren't humanoid?" "They were, as you say, "quite" humanoid." "But robots were common." "We performed the service functions and freed our makers to evolve a perfect social order." " What became of them?" " Our planet sun became a nova." "Only a few outposts survived." "This unit, myself, was part of one such outpost in your galaxy." "Then some of your makers survive?" "No, Captain." "They died over the stretch of time." " Whom do you serve now?" " We serve Harry Mudd." " He has given us purpose again." " Purpose is necessary." "We lacked it for a long time." "We have an extensive library for your amusement." "Our laboratories are extremely well equipped." "You are free to visit them." "We might later. ln the mean time, would you leave us?" "Why should we leave you?" "Because we don't like you." "Now..." " Well." "Opinions?" " We're in a lot of trouble." "That's a great help." "Bones?" "Mr Chekov's right." "We are in trouble." " Spock?" "If you say we're in trouble..." " We are." "We must attack the heart of the matter." "This many androids cannot operate independently." "A central control system must guide them." "Find it." "The rest of you, look around." "I'll see what I can find out from Mr Mudd." "I trust you are enjoying yourself, Mr Spock?" "Very interesting." "Very interesting." " This is an unusual device." " lt is our central control complex." "And there are more than 200,000 of you?" "207,809." "This would seem to be a simple relay centre." "Are all of you controlled through this device?" "I am not programmed to respond in this area." "Oh, that's quite understandable." "These are our Barbara series." "A cover of self-renewing plastic over a skeleton of berylium-titanium alloy." " impressive." " l should say so." "I must say, I like the styling." "They were made to my personal specifications." "As were the Maisie series, the Trudie series and the Annabel series." " Don't you believe in male androids?" " Male?" "Well, I suppose they have their uses." "How long does a body like that last?" "None of our bodies has ever worn out." "The estimated duration of this model is 500,000 years." "500,000 years?" "Our robots are able to place a human brain within a compatible android body." "Immortality." "And eternal beauty." "Hmm?" "I had a fascinating meeting with Norman." "I've discovered an important inconsistency." "I'm glad you enjoyed it, Doctor." "You should see the research lab." "I could spend my whole life there." "I do so admire devotion to knowledge." "Don't lose your head." "Nobody's staying." " Stubborn, Kirk, stubborn." " l wouldn't be bored." " What are you doing?" " The last one, Lord." " Splendid!" "Welcome to Mudd." " Harry Mudd!" "You're the cause of all this, are you?" " You were ordered to stay aboard." " Aye, sir. I stayed." "Until she threw me into the transporter beam." " What did she mean, the last one?" " Didn't I tell you?" "I sent some androids to your ship." "They've been sending your crew to the surface." "They're all down now." "Are you out of your mind?" " Somebody has to be on board." " There's an entire crew aboard." "An entire crew of androids." "They learn very quickly, Captain." "I've taken over your whole ship." "There's nothing you can do about it." "Harry..." "Harry, you'll never get away with it." " Who's to stop me?" " Starfleet." "Ah!" "But now I have a ship as fast as any in the fleet." "How will they catch me?" "Just think of it, laddybuck." "Harry Mudd with his crew of lovelies aboard your vessel." " Think about that." " l'm trying not to." "Alice!" "He could accomplish it." "I've questioned the androids." "They are loyal to Mudd." "Of more concern is the fact that these androids can provide anything a human could ask for in unlimited quantity." "Yes, that worries me." "How will my crew react in a world where they can have everything they want by asking for it?" " You desire something, Lord?" " Oh, yes." "Thank you." " You're Alice..." " 118." " And you're Alice..." " 322." " No difference." "You're both lovely." " Thank you, my Lord." "Do you desire something else, Lord?" " What a shame you're not real." " We are real, my Lord." "Oh, I mean real girls." "We are programmed to function as human females." " You are?" " Yes, my Lord." " Harry Mudd programmed you?" " Yes, my Lord." "That unprincipled, lecherous kulak, Harry Mudd?" "Yes, my Lord." "This place is even better than Leningrad." "Fantastic!" "Handworked to the finest tolerances, microvision and a nanopulse laser." "I've never seen the like." "You may command us to make anything." "Or do the work yourself for pleasure." "You may have any number of craftsmen, exclusive use of the computer facilities." "Anything." "Captain, they have facilities we've never thought of." "Are you going to hit my people at their weakest point?" "We only wish to make you happy and comfortable." "If we are to serve your kind, we must understand you." "Our Lord, Harry Mudd, was only one example for us." "Now we are learning a great deal from all of you." "We're birds in a gilded cage." "How do we get out?" "I don't know, sir, but it's a very nice gilded cage." "And it is a very pleasant place, Captain." " What did they offer you, Uhura?" " Nothing really important." "Just immortality." "We're getting back to the ship, and don't you forget it." "This may be a gilded cage filled with everything you always wanted, but it's still a cage." "We don't belong here." " We belong in our ship." " Do you require something, Lord?" " No." "Yes." "My ship." " l am not programmed..." "To respond in that area. I know." "is there anything you require to please you?" "Alice..." "Give us back our ship to please us." "Return us to our ship because we desire it." "We are programmed to serve you and to make you happy." " But we're unhappy here." " Please explain "unhappy"." "Unhappiness is the state in the human when wants are not fulfilled." "Which wants of yours are not fulfilled?" "We want the Enterprise." "The Enterprise is not a want." "It is a mechanical device." "No, it's a beautiful lady and we love her." "illogical, illogical." "All units relate." "Norman, co-ordinate." "Unhappiness does not relate." "We must study this." " Interesting." " Fascinating." "Bones, have you taken psychological readings of them?" "Yes." "Forget it." "They're flawless, mentally and physically." "No weaknesses, no fears, no faults." "Just a sense of purpose." "There's nothing tougher to overcome, even among humans." "Yes." "This crew needs a little sense of purpose." " Mudd, a few questions." " No time to answer." "The Enterprise will go out of orbit in less than 24 hours." "But it's been a pleasure having you." " Can I get you anything?" " Yes." "My ship." "You're a stubborn fellow, aren't you?" "But I don't mind." "Because I'm leaving here and you can be stubborn at your own leisure." "One last time." "Stella, dear?" "Harcourt Fenton Mudd, where have you been?" "What are you up to?" "Have you been drinking again, you miserable sot?" " You good-for-nothing..." " Shut up!" "Thing... thing... thing..." "Alice No2, my love, will you have my bags transported up to the ship?" " No, my Lord Mudd." " What?" "We can no longer take your orders, Harry Mudd." " Why not?" " Our makers were wise." " They programmed us to serve." " Yes." "Put my bags on the ship." " They have something else in mind." " You are correct." "Harry Mudd is flawed, even for a human being." "We recognised this, but used him to obtain more specimens." "You are self-destructive." "You need our help." "We help ourselves." "We make mistakes, but we're human." "That word best explains us." "We will not harm you, but we will take the starship and you will remain on this planet." "Now look here." "You can't do that." "To serve us, you must obey us." "No, my Lord Mudd." "Alice No1." "Obey me!" "Put my bags on that ship!" "We cannot allow any race as corruptible as yours to have free run of the galaxy." "How do you intend to stop them?" "We shall serve them." "They will be eager to accept our service." "Soon they will become dependent upon us." "Their aggressive instincts will be under our control." "We shall...take care of them." "Eminently practical." "The whole galaxy controlled by your kind?" "Yes, Captain." "And we shall serve them and you will be happy." "And controlled." "This has had its amusing aspects, but the threat to take over all the humans in the galaxy is not funny." "They may quite possibly be able to accomplish it." "Take my word for it, they can." "Whatever we do to stop them, we must make haste." "Once they have their devices aboard, they'll be able to leave orbit." " How do you know so much?" " l asked them." "Why shouldn't they answer?" "They don't think we can stop them." "You're so smart, Kirk, you and your pointy-eared thinking machine." "Do something. I'm as anxious to get off this ruddy rock as you are." "You wanted to leave us on this ruddy rock and leave by yourself." "Oh, yes..." " What have we got to work with?" " Well, Captain..." "Androids are not capable of independent thought." "Yet what Norman says is their central control is inadequate for directing 200,000 of them." "I agree." "What, in your opinion, does direct them?" "There are a large number of Alices, Trudies, Maisies, Annabels, and according to my research, a Herman series, an Oscar series, a plethora of series." "But only one Norman." "Norman." "When I told one of the Alices that the Enterprise was a lovely lady and we loved her, she said, "Norman, co-ordinate." Why Norman?" "Unless..." "Each android mind must be one component of a mass brain linked through a central locus." "Named Norman." "Forming one gigantic, highly intelligent mind." "And the glowing badges..." "they indicate the mind in operation." " That would seem logical." " Yes, logical." "That gives us a weapon against them." "We must use wild, insane, irrational illogic aimed right at Norman." "You sing and dance as well as anyone, but what are you talking about?" "What seems to be a sound - and, perhaps, our only - opportunity." "Opportunity?" "Listen, Spock, you may be a wonderful science officer, but you couldn't sell fake patents to your mother." "Why should I care to induce my mother to purchase falsified patents?" " Forget it." " Let's get to the point." "Harry, do you want to help?" "The wholesome, antiseptic galaxy that these androids would run would be purgatory for me." "Fine." "They'll be expecting us to make a break." "That's where you come in." " What can I do?" " Nothing, Harry." "Just..." " Go to sleep." " What do you mean?" "Now wait a minute, gentlemen." "What I had in mind was more along the lines of a few words of sage counsel, as it were." "Advice..." "Harry, you're putting on weight." " Yes?" " We have a medical problem." " Your ex-Lord, Harry Mudd." " He is human." "You care for him." "Our doctor needs his equipment aboard the Enterprise." " The ship is forbidden to humans." " You are programmed to serve." "If we are denied access to our medical equipment, Harry will die." "You will have failed to serve." "I am directed to observe the situation." " He is malfunctioning?" " Dying." "In your sickbay, will he be repaired?" " Oh, yes." " No." "They're lying. it's a trick." "Dr McCoy injected Harry Mudd to make him look sick." "It's a trick to get back on board." " To sabotage the ship." " Request is refused." " Why did you tell her?" " l want an android body." "I want immortality." "I'll live for ever, be young and beautiful." "You have been of assistance." " We shall fulfil our obligation." " Thank you." "The programming for your body will be done before we leave." "Uhura..." " Beautiful!" " l half believed it myself." "Now we've made the attempt they were expecting." "What's next?" "Next?" "We take the Alices on a trip through Wonderland." " Do you require something?" " Yes." "Your attention." " What are they doing?" " Celebrating." " What are they celebrating?" " Their captivity." " Do you enjoy the music?" " Music?" "Music?" "Thank you, gentlemen." "Thank you, lovely lady." "You dance divinely." "Thank you, kind sir." " Why does she strike him?" " She likes him." "Mr Chekov, the floor is no place for an officer." "Attention!" " Now stand absolutely still." " Yes, Captain." "Hey!" "Hey!" "That's much better, Mr Chekov." " lt is illogical." " Your statement is illogical." " How does it look?" " Oblivious to everything." "Good. I wonder how Spock's doing." "Your computations would inevitably lead to a total description of the intersection of dimensions." "You have a remarkably logical and analytical mind." "Thank you." "is there some significance to this action?" "I love you." "However, I hate you." "But I am identical in every way with Alice 27." "Yes, that is exactly why I hate you." "Because you are identical." "Fascinating." "It's worked so far, but we're not out yet." " Well?" " Success." "We've pruned the branches." "Now for the root." "As control centre, Norman should be in a bind." "Further overload should immobilise them all." " Does everybody know what to do?" " Affirmative." "What are you doing here?" " l want you to surrender." " That is illogical." "We can move more quickly than you." "We are invulnerable to attack." " We are much stronger." " No, we are." "I'll prove it." "Can you harm a man that you're programmed to serve?" "No." "But you already have, Norman, laddy." "Human beings do not survive on bread alone, you soulless creature, but on the nourishments of liberty." "For what is a man without freedom?" "Nought but a mechanism trapped in the cogwheels of eternity." "You offer us only well-being." "Food and happiness mean nothing." "We must be about our job." "Suffering in torment." "Labouring without end." "Dying and lamenting over our burdens." "Only this way can we be happy." "That is...contradictory." "It is not logical." "Mr Spock..." " Explain." " Why not?" "Logic is a little bird chirping in a meadow." "Logic is a wreath of pretty flowers which smell bad." "Are you sure your circuits are correct?" "Your ears are green." "I cannae go on!" "I'm tired of happiness, I'm tired of comfort and pleasure." "I'm ready." "Kill me!" "Kill me!" "Goodbye, cruel universe!" " He's dead." " You...cannot have killed him." " You have no weapons." " Scotty!" "Scotty's dead." "He had too much happiness." "Now he's happier, he's dead." "And we'll miss him." "Let us hear it for our poor, dead friend." "What is a man but that lofty spirit, that sense of enterprise, that devotion to something that cannot be sensed, cannot be realised, but only dreamed, the highest reality!" "Brilliant!" "Bravo, Captain!" " How do you like it?" " That is illogical." " Dreams are not real." " Our logic is to be illogical." "That is our advantage." "Mr Spock, it is time." " The explosive." " Very well, Captain." "Explosive?" "Don't panic." "Women and children first." "Mr Spock, isn't that too much for our purposes?" "I believe that is the correct amount, Captain." " Mr Mudd, are you ready?" " Aye, aye." "Careful." "I would not want you to drop it." "Brrrrr..." "Um!" "Easy now..." "Oh, he's caught it!" "Detonator." "Fuse." "Primer." "Mashie." " There is no explosive." " No?" "Observe." "Fore!" "Are you all right?" " But there was no explosion." " l lied." " What?" " He lied." "Everything Harry tells you is a lie." "Remember that." "Listen to this carefully, Norman." "I am lying." "But if everything you say is a lie, then you are telling the truth, but you cannot tell the truth because everything you say is a lie." "You lie, you tell the truth... lllogical. illogical." "Please explain." "You are human." "Only humans can explain their behaviour." "Please explain." "I am not programmed to respond in that area." " l believe they are all immobilised." " Good." "Kirk, I'm developing considerable respect for you." "Would you consider entering a partnership with me?" " A partnership?" "You and me?" " Yes." "I've got something else in mind." "Let's go." "You must be very unhappy, Mr Spock." "That is a human emotion with which I am unfamiliar." "How could I be unhappy?" "We found a world of minds like yours - logical, unemotional, completely pragmatic." "We irrational humans whipped them in a fair fight." "Now you're back among us illogical humans again." "Which is eminently satisfactory, for nowhere am I so desperately needed as among a shipload of illogical humans." " Touché, Bones." " l've never heard such a thing!" "We'll soon get to the bottom of this." "Kirk?" "What's this about my staying here?" " You've been paroled to the androids." " They have been reprogrammed." "They'll begin work again to adapt this planet for productive use." "But what do I do?" "Kirk, I'm no scientist." "No, you're an irritant." "You'll stay and provide an example of a human failure." "They'll learn how to avoid ones like you in future." " How long?" " As long as you're an irritant." "It's up to you." "I...suppose that, taking everything into er...consideration, as it were, and noting all the different possibilities, I could manage." "And as detention sentences go, this one isn't er...too uncomfortable." " And I'm back in the galaxy again." " Yes, you are." "One more thing." "We've programmed a special android attendant for you." "She'll help you find an incentive to work with the androids." "I call that unexpectedly civil of you, Captain." " Yes." " Harcourt!" "Harcourt Fenton Mudd, what have you been up to?" " Have you been drinking again?" " Shut up!" "I order you, shut up!" "Staying out all night, giving me that story." "Harcourt!" "Harcourt Fenton Mudd, you've been overeating and drinking." "Kirk, you can't do this to me!" "It's inhuman!" " l've got my work cut out for me." " Harcourt!" "Number 500?" "No, no, no..." "What have you been up to?" "It is inhuman!" "Goodbye, Harry." "Have fun."