"PAM:" "Yam!" "Yom!" "Yom!" "LANA:" "Stop." "Stop it." "PAM:" "Yah!" "Huh!" "Yum!" "Yum!" "Yum!" "LANA:" "Pam!" "PAM:" "Yum-yum-yum!" "Yum-yum-yum!" "Gimme!" "Gimme!" "Yum-yum!" "Gimme!" "LANA:" "Goddamn it, will you calm the shit down?" "!" "PAM:" "Wow." "LANA:" "Well?" "!" "This isn't good practice." "My baby's not gonna be a coke addict!" "PAM:" "Wow." "LANA:" "Oh, I'm sorry." "What would you like to call it?" "PAM:" "Mm, cocaine enthusiast?" "CHERLENE:" "Is it too late to not have it?" "LANA:" "Yes!" "For the jillionth time, I want this baby, so..." "MALORY:" "Well, sure, now." "Wait until you're waist-deep in dirty diapers, or he's up with the croup and there's no bourbon in the house." "(coughs)" "Ugh!" "Then fast-forward to him knocking up the au pair, flunking out of college, and then singlehandedly bankrupting your drug cartel!" "PAM:" "Wait-- college?" "LANA:" "Yeah, right?" "MALORY:" "My point is..." "CHERLENE:" "All babies should be drowned?" "(scoffs) Not all babies." "Just baby people." "LANA:" "Don't you have a... tractor pull to headline?" "CHERLENE:" "Yes." "MALORY:" "No!" "PAM:" "Aw..." "MALORY:" "No more of that bush-league nonsense." "We're getting Cherlene a record deal." "Sterling can't screw that up." "LANA:" "Look, I think maybe" "Archer's just been trying too hard." "MALORY:" "Ha!" "LANA:" "I'm serious." "I mean, as sad as it is, deep down, he just wants your approval, and lately you've been putting so much pressure on him." "MALORY:" "Well?" "How hard is it to sell 2,000 measly pounds of cocaine?" "!" "Or whatever we're down to now, 1,900 and..." "What?" "!" "Pam!" "You damn coke fiend!" "PAM:" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "(Cherlene laughing)" "LANA:" "Malory, stop!" "MALORY:" "I mean, did you used to be a man?" "LANA:" "Pam?" "PAM:" "I don't know." "Did you?" "LANA:" "Have you been stealing coke?" "PAM:" "Wha...?" "No!" "You think, if I had 100 pounds of coke, I'd be sitting here playing choo-choo-spoon with a tranny?" "LANA:" "Oh, for the...!" "I'm pregnant!" "CHERLENE:" "It said, baffling medical science." "Ow!" "(laughs) MALORY:" "Enough!" "But, Pam," "I swear to God, if I find out you're lying to me..." "PAM:" "I'm not!" "About this!" "MALORY:" "Well, then where the hell did it go?" "!" "ALL:" "Oh, you were serious?" "ARCHER:" "Yes!" "RAY:" "No!" "Stop!" "ARCHER:" "Gimme!" "RAY:" "Archer, move your..." "ARCHER:" "Ray!" "RAY:" "Stop it!" "ARCHER:" "Let me do it!" "Come on!" "Just for a minute!" "RAY:" "No!" "ARCHER:" "Goddamn it!" "What could go wrong?" "!" "CYRIL:" "Uh, you could crash it!" "Just like you crashed the damn space shuttle!" "ARCHER (chuckles):" "Oh, my" "God, right?" "Remember that?" "Ray, you remember?" "You got paralyzed?" "(chuckles)" "How do you not remember that?" "ARCHER:" "Oh, my God, Cyril, for the..." "We're not just waltzing into Colombia with 100 pounds of cocaine." "We're sneaking in under the radar." "RAY:" "Literally and figuratively." "CYRIL:" "I..." "ARCHER:" "Is there a name for that when it's both?" "Like in French or something?" "CYRIL:" "I meant once we get there!" "Your plan is to just ask around for...?" "ARCHER:" "La Madrina, yes, the Godmother." "CYRIL:" "I know what it means." "RAY:" "I hate I took Latin." "ARCHER:" "Maybe someday you'll meet a mummy." "CYRIL:" "But what do you think is gonna happen when three gringos waltz in and start asking around for the woman who runs the entire Cali cartel?" "ARCHER:" "Well, again, Cyril, we won't actually be waltz..." "CYRIL:" "You know what I mean!" "ARCHER:" "I also know what I'm doing!" "RAY:" "Yeah, showing mommy who's a big boy." "ARCHER:" "What?" "!" "(Cyril laughs)" "Oh, you want to see who's a big boy?" "(Cyril and Ray scream) RAY:" "Archer!" "ARCHER:" "Take it back!" "RAY:" "Cyril, help!" "CYRIL:" "Uh, uh..." "Oh." "ARCHER:" "Ow!" "KRIEGER:" "Ow!" "I don't know where Archer is!" "MALORY:" "Then find him, you bearded buffoon!" "Use the... the surveillance satellite." "KRIEGER:" "Oh, you were serious?" "MALORY:" "Wha...?" "!" "CHERLENE:" "Don't ask her that." "She hates it." "KRIEGER:" "ISIS had satellites." "The whatever we are, Gang Who Couldn't Sell Coke Straight, doesn't even have cable." "MALORY:" "But what about all these?" "KRIEGER:" "They're all aimed inside the house." "MALORY:" "Well, what the hell good is that for?" "!" "KRIEGER:" "Eh, I'm making about two grand a month on the Gilfcam." "OTHERS:" "Ew!" "MALORY:" "The what cam?" "WOODHOUSE: "What is your..." (mumbling)" "Hmm." "Dear Gilf Hound 69..." "ARCHER:" "Jesus Christ." "Thanks for the concussion, dicks." "CYRIL and RAY:" "Well?" "ARCHER:" "Oh, and just so you know, that's exactly how" "Len Koenecke died." "RAY:" "Who?" "ARCHER: "Who." Typical." "(Cyril and Ray gasp)" "(burro brays) (all gasp)" "RAY:" "Goddamn it, will you slow the shit down?" "!" "(all yell) ARCHER:" "I'm sorry, was there a question?" "(Cyril and Ray groan)" "Because nobody made you two come here." "I didn't put a gun to your heads." "I mean, not literally to your heads." "So, if you'll hide your vaginas, it's time to gather some intel." "RAY:" "Intel?" "No, do not compare what we do now to intelligence work." "ARCHER:" "Don't worry, I won't!" "Because selling cocaine to cocaine dealers doesn't really compare to helping overthrow democratically elected governments!" "Like the U.S. did in Guatemala," "Chile, Nicaragua, uh..." "Oh!" "Iran?" "!" "Because-- spoiler alert-- those didn't really work out so great!" "But that's okay, because I'm pinning my hopes for the future on the next big shipment of Stinger missiles to that ragtag bunch of Mujahideen heroes in Afghanistan!" "CYRIL:" "I..." "Wow, it seems like you've actually given this some thought." "RAY:" "Plus, I mean, it's not like we're selling cocaine to little kids." "CYRIL:" "And ISIS did do a lot of bad stuff." "RAY:" "We blew up an oil pipeline." "CYRIL:" "Not to mention a bunch of people, which, compared to that, this is kind of a victimless crime." "If it even is a crime." "I mean, is it?" "ARCHER:" "He said, sucking at being a lawyer." "CYRIL:" "I'm actually an excellent lawyer." "ARCHER:" "And I'm excellent in the field, so..." "CYRIL:" "Maybe at ISIS." "But on ISIS missions, you had big dossiers with all the information you could possibly need." "ARCHER:" "Yeah, but I never read them." "(crowd gasping)" "What's up, pendejos?" "(clattering, chairs scuffling)" "CYRIL:" "Ay, mierda." "RAY:" "Oh, goddamn Latin." "I just feel like such a tourist." "MALORY:" "Colombia?" "What are they doing in Colombia?" "KRIEGER:" "I..." "MALORY:" "And how did you know where they were?" "I thought you couldn't track them." "KRIEGER:" "Ray posted a" "Snacklesnap." "It's where you take artsy photos of your food and share it with people." "PAM:" "Snacklesnamps is awesome." "Look, here's some cocaine pudding; here's some more cocaine pudding." "Ooh, cocaine pudding." "MALORY:" "Why would anyone want a picture of someone else's food?" "KRIEGER:" "Well, no, they don't." "PAM:" "Yeah, everybody hates it." "CHERLENE: ♪ Mmm," "Snacklesnaaamps...!" "♪ MALORY:" "But why take cocaine to Colombia?" "LANA:" "I assume as a sample?" "To show some cartel boss that our product is high-quality and already in the States?" "MALORY:" "Saving them the transport cost." "But those three waltzing around" "Colombia with millions of dollars of cocaine?" "!" "My God, they could already be dead!" "LANA:" "Oh, Malory, come on." "This is Archer, okay?" "He can take care of himself." "CHERLENE:" "Yeah, and I doubt they were actually waltzing." "LANA:" "I'm sure they're totally fine." "CYRIL:" "Archer!" "ARCHER:" "Woooohoohoohoooo!" "(laughter, cheering)" "Here's to you, Hal Needham." "(laughter)" "(glass shatters) (shouting in Spanish)" "Man, why bother with coke?" "I just made 100,000 pesos for jumping through a stupid window." "CYRIL:" "Yeah, that's about" "$50." "ARCHER:" "Still, though." "BIKER JEFE: ¿Dijiste cocaína?" "¿La quieres?" "ARCHER:" "No, gracias." "Yo tengo mucha cocaína." "Por lo tanto, buscamos a La Madrina." "(record scratches) BIKER:" "Hijo de puta." "(glass shatters) (music begins)" "BIKER JEFE:" "You look for the Godmother?" "ARCHER:" "Yes, for a very lucrative business proposition." "Do you know her or..." "BIKER JEFE:" "No, but I can make a phone call, and someone will come." "Until then, just keep drinking your guaro, huh?" "(gulping) ARCHER:" "About 15 steps ahead of you." "(laughter)" "BIKER JEFE:" "Pinche gringo." "(chuckles)" "ARCHER:" "Hmm, see what I did there?" "CYRIL:" "Uh, overdosed on liquid snake?" "ARCHER:" "Made a connection, Cyril." "I gained his trust." "(engine running, doors closing)" "Oh, my God." "Although, now that you mention it... (burps) (groans) I think I actually may have..." "(retching, groaning)" "CYRIL:" "God." "ARCHER:" "Snake poisoning." "(groans) (laughter)" "CYRIL:" "Damn it, Archer, I told you." "ARCHER:" "What's that?" "I can't hear you over the sound of I have snake poisoning." "RAY:" "Moveri!" "Placet moveri, iudices." "(groaning) CYRIL:" "Well, it's your own fault." "What the..." "RAY:" "What're you..." "ARCHER:" "Shh!" "Shut up." "I think I heard a troop truck pull up out front." "(banging)" "COMANDANTE: ¡No se muevan!" "¿Dónde están?" "(Cyril gasps) CYRIL:" "It's the army." "ARCHER:" "Shit." "It's not the army." "We're not that lucky." "They're paramilitarios." "CYRIL:" "But what do they..." "(creaking)" "Hey, what are you doing?" "ARCHER:" "Waiting for you." "And to be honest, having second thoughts about it." "RAY:" "Serious shit, come on." "(Cyril yelps)" "(Cyril screams) (Archer chuckles)" "COMANDANTE: ¡Abre la puerta!" "(banging)" "(Cyril whimpers)" "ARCHER:" "Okay, Ray..." "RAY:" "Ow." "CYRIL:" "Who are these paramilitarios?" "ARCHER:" "Either heroic vigilantes trying to restore law and order because the cops can't or won't..." "CYRIL:" "Well, that doesn't sound too bad." "ARCHER: ...or right-wing terrorists with a boner for kidnapping and murder." "RAY:" "That does." "ARCHER:" "Moot point, though, really, if you're an American down here selling cocaine." "I can't believe that guy ratted us out." "CYRIL:" "Yeah, and after you made a connection." "ARCHER:" "Now, really?" "CYRIL:" "Well..." "ARCHER:" "Shut up." "Ray, hug the shadows, get to the Land Cruiser and be ready." "Don't turn it on." "Do not touch the brake pedal." "Cyril, I'm gonna take out the guard; you're gonna take the truck's distributor cap, got it?" "CYRIL:" "Uh..." "COMANDANTE: ¡Se fueron!" "(gasping, whistle blowing)" "(shouting in Spanish)" "PARAMILITARIO:" "Ay. ¿Qué tiene adentro, hebillas?" "ARCHER:" "Okay, go, go, go, go, go." "CYRIL:" "But..." "ARCHER:" "Look, I realize this is somewhat my fault, Cyril." "We can talk about it later." "(whimpering)" "(truck hood opens, man gasps) (gun clicks)" "ARCHER:" "So, funny story." "(shouting, gunshots)" "(shouting in Spanish) So, hey." "Sorry in advance for this." "(man groaning)" "(gunshots continue) Cyril, did you get it?" "CYRIL:" "Yes!" "ARCHER:" "Then come on!" "(Cyril whimpering)" "ARCHER:" "Hit it!" "(engine starts)" "Cyril!" "CYRIL:" "I'm coming as fast as" "I can!" "ARCHER:" "Guys, we really need to talk about getting "phrasing" back in the rotation." "(laughter) Woooohoohoohoooo!" "Hammer down!" "Oh, I'm sorry, Ray." "By "hammer," I meant" ""accelerator." RAY:" "It's floored, and it's overheating." "ARCHER:" "Well, then stop, you idiot." "RAY:" "I am not the idiot who packed the engine compartment full of cocaine." "ARCHER:" "Oh, right." "Uh, we should get that out." "RAY:" "Good idea, that will give us something to do while we sit here and wait for those guys to drive up and murder us." "ARCHER:" "Ray, they're not driving anywhere without a distributor cap, so..." "(vehicle approaching)" "Cyril, may I see the distributor cap?" "(Cyril gulps) (Archer chuckles)" "Whew, man, Cyril, you had me worried." "CYRIL:" "I-I did?" "ARCHER:" "Yeah, see, I always worried I would die without knowing how it felt to get my throat slashed and my tongue yanked out through the gaping hole." "Are we seriously done with "phrasing"?" "I mean, not right then necessarily, although "tongue"" "and "gaping hole" are kind of begging for it." "(chuckles) Gaping hole." "Begging for it." "Eh..." "COMANDANTE:" "Drop your weapon!" "ARCHER:" "Drop your weapons." "COMANDANTE: ¿Qué?" "RAY:" "Archer!" "CYRIL:" "Are you crazy?" "They'll kill us." "ARCHER:" "Will you shut up?" "I know what I'm doing, Cyril." "It's all about machismo." "Last chance!" "Okay, uno, dos..." "COMANDANTE: ¡No dispare!" "¡No dispare!" "CYRIL:" "What in the..." "ARCHER:" "I told you, all about the machismo." "RAY:" "Archer?" "ARCHER: ¿Quien es más macho?" "RAY:" "Archer?" "ARCHER:" "Sí, Ramon, Archer es más..." "RAY:" "Archer!" "ARCHER:" "What?" "!" "Oh." "CYRIL:" "Well, is that the army?" "ARCHER:" "I don't think so." "One guy's wearing a T-shirt from a Phi Mu Fun Run." "RAY:" "We called them Phi Moo." "CYRIL:" "Well, then who the hell is it?" "LA MADRINA:" "Soy La Madrina." "And I think you have been looking for me, no?" "ARCHER:" "Only my whole life." "RAY:" "Goddamn it." "LA MADRINA: ¡Oye, tanto!" "¿Qué miras?" "!" "COMANDANTE: ¡Vámonos!" "¡Vámonos!" "LA MADRINA:" "And you, guapo, you follow me." "ARCHER:" "Oh, yeah, uh, about that..." "CYRIL:" "So, I have a question." "Since we're now essentially captives of the Cali cartel, and being dragged off to God knows what terrible fate..." "Why the hell are you smiling?" "!" "ARCHER:" "A-- we're not their captives; we're about to be their business partners." "B" " I bet there's a pretty decent chance La Madrina owns a tiger." "And C-- "guapo" means" ""handsome." (Cyril and Ray sigh)" "(ringtone playing) RAY:" "It's your mother." "ARCHER:" "Wha...?" "Give me that." "MALORY: "Putting pressure on him."" "If anything, I've been too lax, but please, let me benefit from your vast experience as a mother and..." "RAY:" "Hey!" "MALORY:" "Hello, Ray?" "Put Sterling on the..." "RAY:" "Hey, damn it, Archer!" "Give it h..." "ARCHER:" "Give..." "Ray, give it..." "Ray, give it." "RAY:" "I'm serious." "I'm serious, Archer, cut it out." "ARCHER:" "Damn it, give it here." "(tires screech and guns fire) MALORY (gasps):" "Sterling?" "(beep) OPERATOR:" "The mailbox of... (Archer laughing) ...is full." "Good-bye." "(Malory groans)" "OPERATOR:" "If you're satisfied with your voice mail greeting, press one." "(Archer chuckles)" "RAY:" "How did you...?" "ARCHER:" "You remember that day" "I took your falafel, and you were chasing me all around the living room in your wheelchair?" "RAY:" "Yes." "ARCHER:" "Yeah, so I recorded that, added some sound effects, mixed it, called my phone and left it as a message, stole your phone, got into the voice mail settings, called your phone from a landline and played the message from my phone, then put" "your phone back." "Which I think is why it sounds a little compressed, but whatever." "RAY:" "The..." "ARCHER:" "Shut up, we're here." "And remember, I got dibs on the tiger." "LA MADRINA:" "Well, I have to admit, Mr. Archer, your proposal is very... surprising." "ARCHER:" "Not as surprising as somebody named The Godmother looking like you." "(La Madrina laughs) LA MADRINA:" "Really." "And what were you expecting?" "ARCHER:" "I guess like a" "Mexican Mrs. Garrett?" "LA MADRINA: ¿Qué?" "ARCHER:" "Or Colombian, or whatever, I... (La Madrina shushes) LA MADRINA:" "You talk almost too much." "But you have aroused my curiosity." "ARCHER:" "Just your curiosity?" "(La Madrina chuckles) LA MADRINA:" "No." "(Archer coughing) But first, business, then pleasure, eh?" "(Archer coughing)" "ARCHER:" "Wha..." "LA MADRINA:" "Javier!" "JAVIER:" "Sí, Madrina." "LA MADRINA:" "Pruébalo, por favor." "If it is as pure as you say, and you have as much as you say..." "ARCHER:" "Oh, my God, we've got something like 900,000 kilos." "LA MADRINA:" "Eh, ¿cuanto?" "ARCHER:" "Wait, no, that's grams, so..." "LA MADRINA:" "So, 900 kilos." "ARCHER:" "I... however many are in a shit-ton." "JAVIER:" "Permiso, Madrina." "Noventa y seis por ciento puro." "LA MADRINA: ¡Vaya!" "A toast, then, to new friends." "ARCHER:" "Just friends?" "LA MADRINA:" "No." "(Archer coughing)" "So, shall we have sex?" "(Archer coughing)" "CYRIL:" "Oh, man..." "How is it noon?" "And where the heck is Archer?" "RAY:" "I assume bothering a tiger." "ARCHER:" "Oh, God." "Please, no más." "Oh, my God." "LA MADRINA:" "Oh, are you sure?" "ARCHER:" "I was sure, like, three hours ago." "And back then, I could still feel my legs." "LA MADRINA:" "Are you sure you cannot make love to me just once more?" "ARCHER:" "Not without a blood transfusion, no." "(La Madrina sighs) LA MADRINA:" "Very well." "ARCHER:" "Ow!" "RAY:" "Which is why you don't bother tigers." "LA MADRINA:" "Then you may call me Coronel Ana Maria Delgado de la Policía Nacional." "ARCHER:" "What?" "!" "LA MADRINA:" "Sí, mi amor." "I am-- how you say?" " deep cover." "(whistles) ARCHER:" "Wait, no!" "No, no, no, no, no!" "RAY:" "At least let me take some churros!" "LA MADRINA:" "Malditos gringos." "As if American demand for cocaína wasn't already destroying us, now you even try to smuggle it into my country?" "You make me sick!" "ARCHER:" "Then why'd you have sex with me?" "LA MADRINA:" "Por qué?" "Eres guapo." "A La Culebra!" "(Malory mumbling) LANA:" "So, I get that you're mad, but they are in pretty dangerous territory, and Ray always answers his phone in the field, so I'm... actually worried." "MALORY:" "Well, if you're so worried, why don't you go down there and rescue him?" "LANA:" "I..." "MALORY:" "Please?" "(crying):" "Go find my son and bring him home to me." "ARCHER:" "And I didn't even get to meet her tiger." "If she even had a tiger." "Plus, at this rate, we're gonna run out of coke, huh?" "RAY:" "Now, there's a moot point." "CYRIL:" "Since we're being trucked off to La Culebra, the most notorious prison in South" "America." "ARCHER:" "Pff, notorious." "Cyril, please, I was in the Lubyanka." "CYRIL:" "Well, were you sent there by an undercover cop who knows she'll be murdered if anyone finds out she's La" "Madrina?" "ARCHER:" "No, idiot, I was..." "Oh." "(Ray sighs)" "CYRIL:" "Yeah, so how long do do you think we're gonna last in prison?" "ARCHER:" "Hmm." "(laughs) If we even make it to prison!" "Am I right, fellas?" "Fellas, am I right?" "Guys, if we get out of this, the first thing I'm gonna do," "I swear to God..." "RAY:" "If you say "buy a tiger," we will beat you to death with your own shoes."