"All right!" "I got all the supplies from the hardware store." "I thought you were going to prep and measure the walls?" "Well, I started to, but then I found your high school yearbook, and it's a real page-turner." "Can't wait to see how it ends." "Yeah, I graduate, I get my teaching degree, and then I marry Lazy Bones Jones." "This is a nice picture of you though." "Who would expect the captain of the debate club to have such a rocking mullet?" "It is not a mullet." "I was going through a Prince phase." "Really?" "Charles or Albert?" "You want to talk hairstyles?" "I've seen your prom picture, Buzz Lightyear." "Hey, it's the same exact haircut I have now." "Yes, it is." "Well, I'm certainly not going to cross verbal swords with the girl voted "most likely teltou you're wrong."" "Seriously, if we don't get cracking, we're never going to make it livable for us down here." "Don't worry, we'll get it done." "You know my motto:" ""Do it right, do it once."" "I thought your motto was:" ""There's always room for Jell-O."" "Hey, a guy can have more than one motto." "What's it read?" "Ten feet, five inches and one, two, 3/16ths." "Can you write that down?" "I can remember it." "What's my phone number?" "You got a pencil?" "By the saw." "We'll slap this paneling up quicker than you can say "little red Corvette."" "Don't push it, Buzz." "Hey, uh, what was that measurement again?" "I don't know, that's why I wanted you to write it down." "Well, what's it say now?" "Now, 12 feet, six inches." "Well, I'm guessing I walked about three feet, seven inches, give or take." "Mike, can you please measure it again?" "You know, measure twice, cut once." "That's just for cake." "Something like this you can eyeball." "What are we doing?" "We're never going to finish this." "We should hire a professional." "Why?" "You're married to a first-class handyman." "Who fixed that hole in the roof?" "You did." "Same hole three times." "No, same hole twice." "The other hole was where my foot went through." "And that patchwork is holding up very nicely." "Perhaps it's the all-weather boot that you left stuck in it." "Point being, I fixed it." "Now let's get this show on the road." "What'd you do with that pencil?" "By the saw." "We're going to have to hire somebody just to keep track of the pencil." "â™ª For the first time in my life â™ª â™ª I see love." "(doorbell rings)" "Hey, come on in." "What happened to your hand?" "Oh, it's nothing." "I'm doing some home improvements at the house, and I sliced my thumb cutting an apple." "You got no business working with tools or knives." "The only thing you can build is a hamburger at Fuddruckers." "At least I can do my own laundry." "I don't have to come over to my grandma's to get her to do it." "Hey, I came over to check in on that helpless, poor, old woman." "Excuse me for being an exemplary grandson." "Listen, SpongeBob BrownPants what's the point of getting you out of my house if I still got to handle your dirty drawers?" "Grandma, how many times do I got to tell you?" "I like my underpants tri-folded, like little flags." "Not just rolled up!" "Those crusty things roll up all on their own." "Like the dead witch's feet in The Wizard of Oz." "Just..." "Carl, we should probably get out of here." "You're not wearing your bulletproof vest." "Michael, do you still go to your mama's house expecting her to fix you dinner, do your laundry, and shave the back of your neck?" "No, but part of that's me not wanting my mom standing behind me with a razor in her hand." "He's not nearly as nervous as he should be." "I'll be over later tonight to check on you, make sure you're okay and that you've taken your medicine." "The only pills I take are for the headache you give me." "And you're not coming here to check on me, you just want to steal my food." "You steal her food?" "The grocery was closed, and I'm not paying liquor store prices." "GRANDMA:" "Came home another night and found nothing in the Frigidaire but my milk of magnesia and a half-eaten radish." "Yeah, always forget I hate radishes until I bite into one." "Get him out of here right now, before you're witness to a black-on-black, foot-in-ass crime!" "Remember to check my shirt sleeves for dryer sheets." "I've been pulling those things out of my cuffs like a damn magician!" "Boy, you better disappear before I saw you in half." "I know it's out of my way to come by here, but it's always worth it when I see that big smile on her face." "And quit leaving your pornography in my DVD player!" "I sat down to watch The View and got one I'll never forget." "Boy, for a guy with his own apartment, you're sure spending a lot of time at your grandma's." "Hey, she's an old woman and she misses me." "I'm trying to wean her off me slowly, like methadone." "Right." "Look, if you're lonely, maybe you should get a dog or a plant." "You know, something that has to love you back." "First of all, I'm not lonely." "And, secondly, a dog doesn't guarantee you love." "I've had three run off on me." "One of them left me for a hobo." "You're kidding." "No, I saw him on the street a week later." "Acted like he didn't even know me." "Aloof as hell." "Write down what you want to eat and make it legible." "No pointing and grunting at the menu..." "I'm too tired." "Wow, Carl, I wrong." "Service in here actually could be crappier." "I'm going on no sleep." "My roommate Aziz moved his crazy wife and screaming baby into our apartment, so there are now seven people living in a one-bedroom!" "Three of them are telemarketers who work from home!" "Hey, why don't you ask Samuel to move in with you?" "You got that extra room at your place." "I'm going to turn that into my meditation dojo." "Yeah, a place where I can reflect and hear myself think." "I hear you thinking all day long." "Believe me, you don't want to be trapped in a room with that." "Hey, I like Samuel, but I don't want to live with a guy." "You find a chick's pubes in your soap, that's sexy." "But another dude?" "You got to throw away the whole bar." "Those are the kind of little things you can work out between the two of you." "I don't know, I like living on my own." "I don't need another person cramping my style." "Yeah, and by style, you mean doing Tai Chi in your towel wrap and masturbating in front of your TV?" "And where else would you have me masturbate?" "In front of a window?" "You wonder why that dog left you for that hobo." "Don't you mention Tippy to me." "I took him off death row and gave him a home." "He caught that Frisbee and kept running." "He was sending a message." "I loved him, but Tippy was a vindictive little son of a bitch." "You did a nice job on that framing-ma-jiggy." "Those are called furring strips." "Oh." "Gives you a nice, level surface to attach the paneling to." "Well, I'm very impressed." "Can I play with the glue gun?" "No, you may not." "This is a tool, not a toy." "Really?" "Because you just wrote "Mike is cool" with the glue." "First of all, it's called epoxy." "And second of all, Mike is cool." "Well, I'm cool, too." "I know, I read it in your yearbook, like, five times." "Here." "Molly..." "Uh-huh." "is..." "Mm-hmm." "cool. (giggles):" "Thanks." "So, what do we do now?" "Slap this baby up there?" "No, we're not going to slap anything." "We're going to carefully apply the epoxied surface to the frame." "Okay." "Oh." "All right." "How long's it take this glue to dry?" "We have to hold it in place for about ten minutes." "Grab that block of wood so we can tap it into place." "I thought you said it takes ten minutes?" "That's for wood, not gloves." "Yank it off of there." "Otherwise, we're going to have to hang a picture over it." "Oh, wow." "Good glue, bad wood." "Grab the gun!" "I'll hold this in place." "Damn it, that ten-minute thing is a load of crap!" "Oh!" "(screams)" "It's in my eye!" "I gave you safety goggles!" "Here, let me get it." "Hurry, it's hardening!" "I can feel it!" "I'm going to go make you a sandwich!" "Wait!" "Where are you going?" "!" "Molly!" "Molly!" "(knocking)" "I got it, roomie." "Hey, man, come on in." "What's different about you?" "Did you finally get a new haircut?" "I'm missing an eyebrow, Sherlock!" "That's what it is." "Word to the wise:" "when you got a glove glued to your face, don't tell your wife to just yank it off." "You should've let her yank off the other one." "You look weird this way." "Believe me, we debated about that for a long time, and this is where we landed." "All right, I folded your undies like little flags." "Tonight, I'll wash your colors and delicates when I get home from work." "See, now, if you had gotten up earlier like I told you to, you could have finished all of it." "Well, I was up pretty late ironing your work shirts and shaving the back of your neck." "You get the line even the first time, then you won't have to do it over again." "Grandma used to draw it in first with a little eyebrow pencil." "I'll remember that for next time." "No problem." "I mean, you just moved in." "We're still discovering each other's little peccadilloes." "Indeed, we are." "By the way, I was thinking tonight, you could cook pork chops." "Kind of in a pig mood." "More than usual." "Man, you were right." "Letting Sammy move in here was a great idea." "It really feels good to help out a friend." "Still, I'd be careful biting into those pork chops." "You should hire a guy for this." "It'd be done by now and you wouldn't look like an unfinished Mr. Potato Head." "Just pipe down and make sure it's level." "Looks level to me." "But, of course, my view might be obscured by my two lush eyebrows." "Ah, crap, why didn't you tell me there was a two-inch gap between them?" "!" "You didn't ask me if there was a two-inch gap!" "You asked me if it was level!" "Which it is." "You're welcome." "Why would I want a giant gap between the panels?" "!" "Why would you glue a glove to your face?" "!" "This project is raising a lot of questions." "Thank you for your helpful insight." "I'll take it from here." "You're the one who lassoed me into this barn raising." "I only came down here to take a dump in private." "Yeah, which reminds me, when Molly and I are living down here, that toilet is off limits." "You need to go to a hospital, not the bathroom." "One could argue, you're projecting your anger at me because you're not so much handy, as handicapped." "I'm holding a hammer, and it might be glued to my hand." "Oh, good, you're off the crapper." "I thought you strained too hard and blew a valve." "I barely got my pants up before getting drafted by this old "big as a house."" "Yeah, and you were a tremendous help, too." "There's not supposed to be a big gap between them, is there?" "Don't point out his mistakes." "He's horrible with criticism." "Boy, the two of them are never gonna move down here, are they?" "I'm working on it!" ""Working on it."" "If he nails everything the way he nails paneling, we're never gonna see any grandkids." "One project at a time!" "See?" "You can't tell him anything!" "(hammering)" "MIKE (in distance):" "Damn it, line up, you son of a bitch!" "(hammer bangs)" "Ow!" "Everything okay?" "Fine!" "Looking great!" "Damn it, it looks great!" "(hammering)" "Worst-case scenario, we brick up the basement and live in the garage." "Well, he may not be any good, but he's not a quitter." "Kind of like you and the baton twirling." "What are you talking about?" "I-I was a baton master." "They asked me to be in the Fourth of July parade, so..." "I remember." "You beaned that poor old Shriner right in the fez." "All those little cars crashing into each other." "Hey, I slipped on horse manure, okay?" "(doorbell rings)" "That pile-up was on the Buckaroo Club." "Either diaper those things or don't feed 'em the night before." "Hey, Samuel." "Come on." "How's everything going with Carl?" "It's kind of like Whoopi Goldberg and Danny Glover in The Color Purple." "Oh, that movie always makes me cry." "Yeah, I cried on the bus ride over here." "Is Mike home?" "Yeah, downstairs." "Just follow the "oh craps" and "damn its."" "(hammering)" "MIKE:" "Aw, crap!" "Damn it!" "Thank you." "If you're covering cracks, you missed the big one." "Damn it, what are you doing here?" "Supposed to be getting Carl a Peanut Buster Parfait and some bath beads." "He likes to snack in the tub." "You don't have to tell me everything." "I like there being a little mystery between me and Carl." "He won't buy toilet paper and insists I steal it from restaurants and gas stations." "He says he risks his life every day, the city owes him a clean ass." "See, right there." "Happy without that information." "Grab that end, will you?" "Of course." "How do you deal with being around him all the time?" "Well, you just got to treat him like a toddler or a dog." "Say "no" and "down"" "and run him a lot so he sleeps at night." "Tack that up, will you?" "(sighs) All right." "The important thing is you stand up for yourself." "It's your place, too." "You're his roommate, not his mail-order bride." "Well, I am certainly getting sick of doing "washy washy" for "Mr. Carl."" "Yeah, he's a handful." "Give him an inch and he'll take a mile." "Go ahead and tack up that other side, since you got the hammer." "Sure." "Remember to keep the hammer centered and straight." "And keep going." "Momentum is the key to finishing a project." "Ooh, another motto." "Where are you going?" "I'm gonna grab a beer." "You can have one when you're done." "HBO, Cinemax, Showtime." "The minute I move out, that old woman buys the premium package." "She better not be burning through my inheritance." "(door opens)" "(laughing) Sister Rosetta, you've got the devil inside of you." "Well, there's room enough for both of you." "(laughing)" "Oh, hell no!" "Hey, Grandma." "Hey, when'd you start buying Australian beer?" "There's a lovely peach cobbler in the kitchen." "Why don't you help yourself." "Carlton, what do I got to do to get rid of you?" "!" "You're like a toe fungus!" "Grandma, you're an old woman, and somebody's got to take care of you." "If you wasn't here right now," "I'd be upstairs with Brother Heywood and he'd be taking care of me good." "Come on, Grandma, I got a belly full of cobbler." "Boy, you got your own apartment now and a roommate." "What are you doing here?" "I don't know." "'Cause you ain't got nobody waiting on you hand and foot... cooking your meals, doing your laundry." "Actually, I do." "And Samuel can fold a pair of underpants better than you." "My dresser drawer looks like a military funeral!" "Well, if you got Bushman Benson at home, what you doing sitting on my couch, sucking down my imported beer?" "Being away from you made me realize how much you done for me." "And I'm not just talking about cooking and cleaning and changing the oil in my car." "Well, you're about due, by the way." "I put a little sticker on your windshield." "I saw it." "You take good care of me, Grandma." "I took good care of you." "Now it's time for you to take care of yourself." "All right, I understand." "I'm sorry to bother you." "How about this Sunday you come over, bring your laundry and I'll make you a nice dinner?" "Oh, okay." "I'd like that." "But don't show your face before then." "Otherwise, the next time you drink my beer, it'll be through a straw." "Son, the secret of getting somebody to miss you is getting gone in the first place." "I'm going." "Don't be rough on him." "That's my precious grandson." "Sorry, Rosetta." "Might be that little blue pill talking." "Out!" "(door opens)" "CARL:" "Hey, man." "Something smells good." "Braised chicken and baby carrots, drizzled with balsamic vinegar and a dash of tarragon." "Mmm, sounds delicious." "But listen, Samuel," "I want you to know you don't have to cook for me like this." "Carl, this isn't for you." "Oh." "Good, 'cause I did have my heart set on those pork chops we were talking about, which I assume are still in the oven." "Is dinner almost ready?" "Who's this?" "My roommate Carl." "He was just leaving." "I was?" "You were." "Funny thing." "It turns out, chicks dig a man whose bed does not include two cab-driving cousins and an uncle with a prostate issue." "Wait, you're not gonna make me a sandwich or anything?" "Damn." "That's what you get for helping a brother out." "It's Tippy all over again." "You'll probably need this more than I will tonight." "(hammering)" "Yeah, moved in two days ago, already brought home some woman." "See, I was supposed to be the one to christen that place." "Yeah, that's a bummer." "Make sure you pound that straight." "Make me feel like a second-class citizen in my own house." "Man!" "That's no way to treat someone." "And maybe tack up that corner piece, make sure they're flush." "I'm telling you, man, my blood is boiling!" "You know what's good for that?" "Hammering." "Oh, my God!" "This is beautiful!" "I told you I could do it." "Cop and construction worker." "You're like two of the Village People in one body." "(chuckles)" "Not the first time I've heard that, but never as a compliment. (chuckles)" "I'm so proud of you." "What do you say we head upstairs and start working on your next project?" "Ooh, let me grab my, uh, safety goggles." "You're gonna need them." "Hello, young lovers." "(groans) Ay." "Hey, if you're looking for another project, a ceiling fan in the crapper should be on the top of your to-do list." "The air doesn't circulate, it just hangs there like a grim evil." "You're gonna put a lock on that door, right?" "Yeah, Samuel's seeing that girl again this Friday, so I'll get Carl right on that." "That's my handyman." "(chuckles)" "How long do you think it's gonna take that eyebrow to grow back in?" "I don't know." "Maybe I should just yank that one off."