"I cannot wait for summer break." "Finally have time to relax, grill steaks, sit in a lawn chair..." "So, this?" "Yeah, but nude and without you." "I cannot believe what I just heard." "Do you know that Alice is going to England for the summer?" "Yes." "Did you know that?" "Yep." "Why didn't you guys tell me?" "Because we didn't want you coming out here and crying all over the steaks." "You know I had major plans for us." "It was gonna be our summer of love." "I drove from Dayton, Ohio to Haight-Ashbury to get some of that summer love." "Instead, I got crabs from a sofa." "I gotta do something-- something so romantic that she won't forget about me." "Give her crabs--that's something you never forget." "Aha." "I should have known the three of you would be out here, skipping the faculty meeting." "Your loss." "The entire meeting was devoted to the prom." "It's very exciting." "We didn't actually have proms in England." "Well, we had them, but they were bigger, and we called them balls." "Really?" "Why don't you tell us about your English balls?" "Well, funnily enough, I never actually went to one." "Back then, I just thought they were silly, but, as I get older, I'm starting to see the appeal of balls." "I didn't." "So, guess what I did?" "I volunteered to be a chaperone." "Ooh, that's a mistake." "You can't leave when you want to, and you can't show up drunk." "Yes, well, I new you'd think it was silly." "It's not silly." "It's stupid." "No, it's not silly or stupid." "It's magical, as proms are, which is exactly the reason why I volunteered, too." "No, you didn't." "When?" "I don't know." "When you weren't with me." "When wasn't I with you?" "There must have been a time when you had to go to the bathroom or something." "Oh, right, this morning." "Why didn't you have to go?" "So, uh, since we both volunteered for prom duty, why don't I pick you up, and we can go together?" "Yes, yes." "That might be all right." "Yes, it would be nice to have someone to show me around your American balls." "I got your back, buddy." "Ms. Wiggins." "Um, I've turned in my revised syllabus for next year and I'm very happy with it." "I don't know if you've had a chance to look at it yet." "I have, it's magnificent." "Come over here." "I want to discuss it with you." "Oh, good." "I'm so glad that you liked it." "You know, I used a reference" "Okay, you can stop now-- haven't read it." "Now, every year, we hire the same band to play the prom." "They're called X-pect D'layz." "Do you know them?" "No, but they're playing a prom, so they must be awesome." "Well, I find the bass player, Bruce, to be very attractive." "But for some reason, he's not responding to my subtle charms." "So" "You want me to help you get this guy." "Well, that is your area of expertise." "Okay, actually my area of expertise is teaching American history." "Look at you." "Adorable." "So, we'll meet after school." "We'll talk about hair, shop for clothes." "You'll tart me up a bit." "Are you asking me as a friend or telling me as my boss?" "I'm ask-telling you as your friendly boss." "Was that about the bass player from X-pect D'layz?" " Yeah." " Damn it." "I hate that guy, with his mustache, his funky bass lines." "You know, Jeff." "I've been thinking about us going to the prom." "Um, it feels a bit like a date, and I'm rather uncomfortable with that." "Oh, right." "I was thinking the same exact thing." "I'm rather uncomfortable with it, too, which is why Calvin is coming with us." " Pick you up at 7:00?" " Oh, wonderful." "We're gonna have such a good time." " I'll see you both on Friday." " Okay." "Listen. 7:00's a little early for" "Yeah, you're not coming." "I'm going all out this year." "I'm renting a tux." "I've gotten a limo, and I'm taking her to the best seafood restaurant in the entire world-- of low-price seafood restaurants." "It's gonna be a great night." "Happy to be a part of it." "You're not coming." "I've never been in a limo." "You're not coming." "All right, fine." "I love seafood." "Oh, hey there, Calvin." "I was looking everywhere for you." "What is this place?" "It's my classroom, Dick." "Weird." "Anyway, Emma cornered me." "She wants me to do the senior farewell speech at the prom." "I was wondering if you could give me hand." "Sure." "I would love to." "Why don't you read me what you got?" " Filmore Seniors" " Oh no, please." "Stage is yours." "Oh, that's so weird." "Filmore Seniors, remember this night--enjoy it." "Because after this, it's all downhill." "There's an unemployment rate of 92%." "The divorce rate is 75%." "And if you're thinking, "Well, at least I still have my friends,"" "the percentage of people keeping their high school friends is zero." "You may ask yourself, "What are my chances of getting bird flu?"" "Hold it, Dick." "Hold on." "It's a prom toast." "It's supposed to be a little more positive." "Look." "Let me do a little rewrite." "I'll keep your content, but I'll soften the edges a bit." "Okay, but keep that stuff in there about the bird flu." "I'm serious." "That thing's coming." "Alice." "You look lovely." "Thank you." "Look at you." "You're in a tux." "I just assumed you'd come in jeans and flip-flops." "Why would you think that?" "Well, I saw a photo of you at last year's prom." "Oh, well, I had just gotten a pedicure, so, you know." "Uh, no, this year I thought I'd get into the spirit." "Right, well, I" " I'm glad." "It suits you." "Where's Calvin?" "Oh, yeah, you know, he called at the last minute and said he couldn't come with us." "So, I'm just furious at him." "Oh, well, never mind." "Perhaps it's for the best." "Really?" "Yes, I didn't think you'd mind, so I invited Robin to come along with us." "Hi, Mr. Cahill." "Oh." "Hi, Robin." "Did you get a haircut?" "As a matter of fact, I did." "Do you like it?" "Robin, why don't you pop back inside and get your bag, and we'll be on our way." "Robin." "I don't see enough of her at school." "Her boyfriend just broke up with her, and she's been a bit down in the dumps, so I thought, you know, it'd be nice if she came with us." "I hope you don't mind." "Mind?" "No, of course not." "I mean, it's good old Robin." "What's that?" "Oh, this is a wrist corsage." "It doesn't really match my dress, but whatever." "Good old Robin." "Oh, good evening, Mr. Foley." "Ms. Wiggins, you look stunning." "I'm not interested in you." "Move on." "So Tina, this dress is a hit." "Wow." "I'm so glad, Principal Wiggins." "Oh, oh, there's Bruce." "Okay, what do you think of him?" "Huh." "Tuxedo t-shirt." "Is it 1985 already?" "Hi, Emma." "Nice dress." "Thanks." "I'm completely naked underneath it." "You're getting the roses, right?" "Hey, hey, hey." "Wh" " What the hell did you do to my speech?" "I made it a little more upbeat." "I might as well tell them when they go to the bathroom, flowers will come out of their ass." "You took out all that stuff about dying alone." "Dick, 100 percent of people do not die alone." "You know, what do you got to sugarcoat everything for?" "You're a black man." "Where's your anger?" "I'm from Maine." "My dad's an optician-- not that bad." " Life stinks." " Mine doesn't." "Yeah?" "Where's your nice house?" "Where's your girlfriend?" "Hey, where's your acting career?" "I already told you about my six-week run as the wizard at Medieval Times." "You know what, Dick?" "Fine." "Give the speech you want." "Tell them nothing they do matters, and they'll never amount to anything." "Finally, something I can use." "This is just lovely-- decorations, the music, oh" "I mistook that man's t-shirt for a tuxedo." "Well, I'm glad you're having fun." "You know, the flowers might have died a little when they came in contact with Robin's skin, but I did buy this corsage for you." "Thank you." "That's sweet." "You know, looking around makes me wish I'd gone to one of my own school balls." "Do all balls feel like this?" "Uh, Alice, before you go any further, you should know that in America, balls are really" "Yeah, they are in England, too." "Just like seeing you squirm." "Ooh, this is my favorite son" "Really?" "Well, would you like to dance?" "Should we?" "Sure." "I might even break out the baby freeze." "Someone puked in the bathroom." "I stepped in it." "Look." "Oh." "Ms. Torres, there you are." "I have just been crowing about you to Dr. Keller." "She's on the board of education, and I've been telling her all about your fine work." "Oh, Dr. Keller, it is so nice to meet you." "You know, I've really enjoyed teaching this year at Filmore, and I hope to expand this" "No, no, no, no, no, no-- she needs a man." "She's recently divorced, so, you know, work your magic." "You wouldn't know it from this outfit, but underneath this is a rockin' bod." "Where did Ms. Fletcher go?" "I'm sorry." "Am I wearing a button that says, "Ask me where Ms. Fletcher is?"" "Wow." "I bet your boyfriend's really kicking himself for dumping you." "Robin." "Can't you just pretend to have fun?" "Ms. Fletcher's done a lot to make sure you have a good time." "Yeah, well, mission not accomplished." "Okay, you know what?" "Now you're ruining my prom." "Ms. Fletcher and I are trying to have a nice date." "Okay, so I'll tell you what." "Why don't you go take the limo and do whatever you want." "Give me 20 bucks." "Fine." "I mean, 50." "Done." "Go." "What's going on?" "Mr. Cahill's paying me to go away." "Apparently, I'm ruining your date." "Robin." "We're not on a date." "He said you were." "Robin." "Pathetic." "Uh, would this be a bad time to ask you for a college recommendation?" "Tina." "What are you doing out here?" "Oh, I, uh-- confiscated this bottle from a student and I'm just looking for a place to dump it." "Found one." "Give me that." "You can get in a lot of trouble." "That is where we dump booze." "God, this prom sucks." "Tell me about it." "You know what pisses me off?" "I don't get any respect." "Well, you're a public school teacher in the state of New Jersey." "What do you expect?" "Even still, you would think that your boss wouldn't think of you as some sort of pimp." "Well, actually, pimps get more respect than public school teachers." "Look." "You're not gonna hear from Emma unless you're screwing up." "Otherwise, count your blessings." "By the way, you're a good teacher." "You think so?" "How would I know?" "Oh, god." "I hate being so needy." "I guess that's just what proms do to me." "Yeah." "I'm sure a girl that looks like you had a really awful prom." "Uh, my boyfriend dumped me two weeks before the prom, so I went with a really gross friend of my brother's who kept pointing to his crotch the whole night, saying, "What are we gonna do about this?"" "I would have killed for a prom that romantic." "Yours was worse?" "Oh, yeah." "I, uh-- went with a beautiful girl who sat behind me in science class." "She only wore black and never spoke." "Uh, her quiet intensity kind of turned me on." "It wasn't until she invited me to join her prom night suicide pact that I realized her quiet intensity was just full-on insanity." "What happened?" "Oh, we dated for another six months." "Calvin, why does Jeff always do this?" "Why does he take a perfectly nice evening and ruin it with his insistence that we should be together?" "Why does Dick think it's irritating when I'm positive?" "I don't know who I'm more cross with" "Jeff for behaving like a child or myself for always believing he'll stop behaving like a child." "Don't give up on him, Alice." "You stay positive, anything can happen." "That is irritating." "The bottom line is I'm not interested in having a relationship with him." "Could you just tell him that?" "Because I'm not very good at confrontation." "Oh, no." "I'm not telling him." "Fine." "I'll tell him." "Maybe a note would do." "Okay." "Face to face." "Off I go." "Off I go." "And I always thought those two had a chance." "You know what, Kevin?" "Maybe Dick was right." "Maybe this world is full of sadness, misery, and unhappy people." "These flowers suck." "This band is terrible." "This punch is awful." "Who am I kidding?" "I can't stay mad at this punch." "Mr. Lenk, we need you on the dance floor." "The students seem to have forgotten it's a prom and not a hot night in old Havana." "Right away." "Principal Wiggins?" "Is everything okay?" "Well, it seems I tarted myself up and made a fool of myself for a man who's been married for 16 years." "Well, I'm really sorry." "If it's any consolation, I've never seen you look more lovely." "You know my policy on touching, Mr. Lenk." "Oh, yes." "It's cold." "Yeah, no kidding." "God, you're dense." "Do you know that's the third time I told you I was cold and you haven't offered me your jacket?" "I'm not dense." "I'm cold, too." "All right." "No one's gonna accuse me of not being a gentlemen." "Thank you." "Oh, sorry." "Jeff, I just wanted to tell you that you need to stop pursuing me because it will lead nowhere." "I have no feelings for you, whatsoever." "I'm sure, if you are open to it, there are plenty of other women out there for you." " Hello, Tina." " Hi." "So, in conclusion, not interested, find someone else." "I knew I should've sent a note." "Excuse me, Mr. Green?" "A few of us from your biology class chipped in to get you something." "Well, that's great." "Just put it over with my jacket." "It's over there--the one filled with chicken kabobs." "Um, we thought maybe you could open it in front of us." "Holy Mother of Pearl." "That's the nicest meat thermometer I've ever seen." "Yeah." "We even had it engraved." ""A teacher like you is rare." "Well done."" "Mr. Babbitt told us you like to barbecue, so..." "Babbit told you that." "Okay, seniors." "I hope you are enjoying your prom and the music of X-pect D'layz in their final performance here at Filmore." "So, now with the senior toast, is our senior teacher, Mr. Green." "Well, I" " I had a speech prepared about how crappy everything is, how all life really had in store for you was a swift kick in the nads." "Uh, and then a friend convinced me, that maybe the world isn't that bleak." "And maybe he's right." "Is he talking about me?" "I'm talking about you, Mr. Happy, pipe down." "Uh, I'm just winging it, so here's a little something positive for you seniors to take away with you." "Uh, in your lifetime, the earth will be covered with ice." "Uh, however, my understanding is that hypothermia is a painless and even pleasant death." "Alice." "Tina and I were just talking." "She got a little cold, so I gave her my jacket." "I really don't care." "Okay." "Fine." "I just wanna make sure you knew what you saw." "It doesn't matter to me one way or the other." "G ood." "You know, when you take a girl on a date, it seems a little rude to be cozying up to another." "I thought you said this wasn't a date." "Yeah, I wasn't on a date, but you thought you were on a date and you did it anyway." "And that is what you're mad about." "I'm not mad." "Then why are you erasing a board with no writing on it?" "There's always residue." "Maybe I am a little mad." "But you know what, Jeff?" "You and I are a bad idea." "Why?" "Well, for starters, we work together." "Who cares?" "I work with the janitor and we've been sleeping together for years." "See?" "Right there." "That is why this is a good idea." "Don't go to England this summer." "I've got great adventures planned for us, including a day at Great Adventure." "I'm sorry, Jeff." "Okay." "If you look me in the eyes and tell me that there is no chance, and I will turn around and not say another word." "There's no chance." "Okay, a non-verbal sign would do, too." "It doesn't take much to keep me going." "Okay." "And scientists tell us that the polar bears will soon be extinct, but, glass half-full, uh, that means we won't be killed by them." "Well, that's all I've got for you students, 'cause let's face it." "You know, this school isn't about you." "It's about the teachers." "See, you grow up." "You move on." "We stay here." "We come back every year to deal with the bureaucracy." "Yeah." "And the bad manners, and the lighting that is flattering to no one." "All in the name of trying to crowbar some knowledge into your air-tight skulls." "Now, why do we do this?" "Well, you better believe it's not for the money." "Uh, maybe it's because, for all the challenges here, my friend was right." "There's always hope." "And the promise of the-- the occasional meat thermometer." "So, why don't you all raise a bottle" "I know you've got 'em." "To us."