"It's over." "I..." "I can't believe lt." "Llsten, Rlchard, we had a great time." "Maybe I even loved you but times change." "I've got to think about me, about my life." "The Guardian want me to write this pop column." "I'm going to Fujl to interview the Fugees, Maul for Bowle, Malaga for the Gallaghers." "I'm going to be meeting new people." "'l just don't think I'll have time for you.' l'm sorry but I thlnk this ls best for both of us." "'ln the long run you'll thank me.' 'l'm meeting loads of new people and that doesn't leave any room ln my life for you.' 'lt's over, Dalsy.' lt's over..." "I can't... I can't believe lt." "(Phone line goes dead)" "Rlch has finished with me." "It's hardly surprising." "You were getting off with people behind his back." "How come he finished with you?" "Cos I was getting off with people behind his back." " How did he find out?" " Well, I told him." "Y'know..." "You..." "You told me to tell him." "You said lt would clear the air, you know." "Strengthen our relationship." " l didn't mean lt!" " Oh, you're evil." "I'm not the deceiver here." "I'm not the cheating harpy!" "You're so damaged." "Just cos Sarah hurt you, you're wreaking your petty vengeance on womankind." "Yes." "Yes." "(Shouts) And I'd do lt again, I tell you!" "I'd do lt again ln an instant!" "(Laughs manlcally)" "(Smash)" "Sorry." "Sorry." "So, um,..." "Are you OK?" "Yeah, yeah. I'm fine, I s'pose. I mean... lt was inevitable really." "Nelther of us were giving lt the time lt deserved." "It was..." "It was my fault." "I just..." "I feel..." " Tlm!" " What?" "You said you were fine." "(Knock)" "Brlan?" "Brlan?" "(Shuts door)" "Brlan?" "(Tuts)" "(Door opens and closes)" "(Crazed laughter)" "(Creaklng)" "Er, no!" "Johnny!" "Agh!" "Er..." "Oh... !" "Help me, I'm stuck." ""Why should I?" this, "Why should I?" that!" "Why don't you start taking some responsibility ln your life?" "Leave me alone!" "Don't think I'm going to tidy lt!" "It'll remain ln that state till you return!" "That's lf you return." "Qulte frankly, I don't give two shits lf you come back or not!" "Ooh!" "Hello, kitten." "Fancy a dab of Rloja?" "Oh, just a splash." "(Blrdsong)" " Can I borrow a tea bag?" " Only lf you bring lt back." "You can have a tea bag, Brlan, you can't borrow one." "What are you playing?" "Tomb Raider lll." " (Lara Croft groans)" " She's drowning." "Yeah." " ls that the point of the game?" " Depends what mood you're ln, really." "What sort of mood you ln, then?" "Well, I just got a letter from my ex-glrlfrlend, three months late, explaining why she dumped me." "It was full of "You'll always be special" and "l'll always love you" platitudes designed to make me feel better while appeasing her sense of guilt for running off with a slimy Clty boy called Duane and destroying my faith ln everything." " So lt didn't really work, then?" " No, lt made me wanna drown things!" "You've got some paint on you." "It's a literal tribute to the self-reflexlvlty of Rembrandt." " Dld he like lt?" " He's dead." " Bloody hell, that really backfired." " (Lara screams)" "Tell me all about lt, kitten." "Spllt up with my boyfriend." "Oh, well,..." "I can't say I'm surprised." "I heard Tlm shouting at you a couple of nights ago, I was shocked." " What?" " "You stupid cow." Somethlng about a key." ""You can't shoot straight, you blg-tltted bitch."" "(Laughs) No..." "No, no, that was Lara Croft." " Well, lt sounded like Tlm." " No, lt was Tlm." "He was talking to Lara Croft, a vldeo-game character." "He gets very frustrated." "is that what the problem was?" " What do you mean?" " ls that why you split, he's got no patience?" "Shlt!" ""lf we pretend we're a couple, this flat could be ours."" ""lt's madness!" "It'll never work!"" ""Trust me, Tlm, she'll never find out."" "(Mocklng) Trust me, Tlm, she'll never find out." "Shut up!" "Thlnk!" "Thlnk, think!" "Thlnk. I'm thinking..." "Could Tlm and I, could we have..." "Could we have..." "There, right ln front of you!" " a plate?" " Dog!" " A dog!" " Yeah, good one(!" ")" " A dog?" " A dog." "A dog." "Cos..." "If we had a dog, then lt would help us stay together because lt would be like having a child, only halrler, smaller, wilder, quicker, smelller." "(Laughs nervously) I don't see why not." "Well,... good." "I've always wanted a dog actually." "(Mlmlcs dog's bark)" "All right, mate, yeah. (Laughs) No, I'm really looking forward to lt." "We're going to kick some serious ass, mofo." "Yeah, all right, I'll see you later." "Over and out." "(Pants like a dog)" "Who was that?" "It was Mike." "We're going paintballing later." " l thought he was banned?" " No, only for six months." "How does that poor accountant feel about lt?" "(Gunflre and shells whistle through alr) I dunno." "(Barks loudly)" " What you doing?" "!" " Marsha says that we can have a dog." " What?" "!" " We can have a dog!" "Isn't that great?" "(Barks and growls like a dog)" "Stop lt!" "What d'you want a dog for, you'll only end up seeing other dogs on the side?" "(Whlnes) Don't you want to get a dog?" " No." " Why not?" "What are you frightened of?" "I'm not frightened of anything, why would I be frightened?" "( Roobarb and Custard Theme)" "(Screams)" "(Barklng)" "You're scared of them, aren't you?" " No." " Yes, you are." "All right, I had a minor phobia when I was a kid." " How minor?" " l had to have counselling." "Really?" "Sorry." "She said I had canophobla. I thought "Great, now I'm frightened of bamboo too."" " How many times did you go?" " Three or four." "It started to work, you know." "She said I had as much chance of being struck by lightning as I had of being bitten by a dog." "So... what's the problem?" "Well, I was leaving the practice one day, feeling really well-adjusted and happy, and this fucking great Alsatlan came harlng down the road towards me, jaws slung with bloody slaver, eyes lit by the fires of Hades' eternal damned kingdom." "It leapt into the air, I remember thinking "Thls ls lt, I'm seven years old and this ls the end."" "Fortunately, Lady Luck was smiling at me that day." " What happened?" " l got struck by lightning." " What?" "!" " lt hurt but lt scared the shit out of the dog." " Now you're scared of dogs and lightning?" " And bamboo." "It's funny, really." "I always really wanted a dog when I was..." "little." "But I wasn't allowed one." "Really?" "(Barklng)" "Play with me!" "Oh, please play with me, please!" "I don't know, Dalsy." "Look, I know I've sprung this on you, you know?" "If you don't like lt, I'll understand." "But... I really need this, you know?" "I mean,..." "I'll do everything for lt, you know?" "I'll feed lt and I'll walk lt and I'll..." "I'll change its little hutch." "And lf you still don't like lt, then, well,... we'll kill lt." " All right." " Wahoo!" " But not a big one." " All right. (Growls) Sorry!" "Sorry, sorry. lt could be good for you, lt could be the turning point." "It might help you conquer your fear." "Stop trying to get your own way by turning everything into a psychodrama that somehow benefits me, OK?" "I am my own person. I wlll deal with my problems ln whatever way I see fit." "Aagghh!" "Get away from me!" "Heads and tails, heads and tails, heads and tails" "Heads and tails, heads and tails, heads and tails" "(Barklng) I can't believe you brought me here." " lt's great, lsn't lt?" " lt smells." " Twlst!" " lt smells." " Hl!" " Hello." "I'm Dalsy Stelner, this ls my friend, Twlst." " Twlst." " Mm." "My parents were hippies." "I see." "What can I do for you?" " We'd like to buy a dog." " You'd like to buy a dog." "Yes, I'd like to buy a dog." "Yes, erm... there." "Have you owned a dog before?" "Mm,... sort of." "Sort of?" "( Anlmal Maglc Theme)" "Come on, boy!" "(Whlspers) No." "Now, I want you to think very carefully before you choose a dog." "Can I afford to keep lt?" "Wlll I be able to take lt for walks twice a day, lf not more?" "Can I give lt a secure, loving home?" "Um,... yes." "(Sneezes)" "( Mllltary drumming)" "OK, number one, don't eat the paintballs." "Number two, this ls just a game." "If you take lt too seriously, you're only gonna be hurting yourself." "It's not war, lt's just an exercise ln teamwork and tactics." "You go too far, you wlll get banned." "Eh!" "Groovy!" "Shlt." "Oh!" "(Dalsy) Oh." "He's been with us a while now." " ( Dance Of The Suger Plum Fairy) - lt's his last day here." "Why, somebody bought him?" "Dogs only stay with us for a limited period." " Where do they go after that?" " Heaven?" "A gay club?" "!" "No, Mlss Stelner." "We put them down." "All of them." "No!" "(Dalsy walls)" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Come on, Colln, we're taking you away from this place!" " Colln?" " That's what I called my box." "( Mllltary drumming)" "Hl, Dom, yeah." "Thls ls Duane Benzle." "Thls ls Duane Benzle. (Echoes) How you doing?" "( Baywatch Theme)" "(Laughter)" "Tlm, your girlfriend's very beautiful." "(Laughs nervously)" "( Psycho Theme)" "Tlm, hl. I didn't expect to see you here." "You never struck me as the outdoor type." "What?" "That reminds me." "You left some stuff at the flat." "Well, I thlnk lt's your stuff." "The bag was full of comics and toys." "I was thinking maybe I'd drop lt round ln the car, save you the trip." "You stole my girlfriend." "(Slghs) Tlm, now come on." "I didn't want lt to be like this." "It wasn't meant to be personal." "You don't choose who you fall ln love with." "When you get that feeling, lt's like..." " (Husklly) Sexual." " Llke a force beyond your control." "You know what they say about love and war?" "Yeah, one involves a lot of physical and psychological pain and the other one's war." "Talklng of which, what team are you on, A or B?" "Er, we're B." "Me too." "Looks like we'll be fighting side by side." "Who knows, maybe that's what we need." "(Mlmlcs gun going off)" "Later." "I've rehearsed that moment a thousand times." " ls that the first time you've seen him since..." " Yes." "I thlnk I was pretty cool." "I could have flown off the handle, smashed his face ln, set fire to him, but I didn't." " What will you do when you see him next?" " l'm gonna set fire to him." "(Coos) Hello!" "Hello!" "Hello!" "Ahh!" "Now, you stay there!" "You stay there!" "Mummy's going to make a cup of tea." "Ahh!" "We're gonna be best friends." "We're gonna have such fun." "Ahh!" "Do you want something to eat?" " Yes, please." " Where ls lt, then?" " (Gasps)" "The little dog?" "(Squeaks)" "The bandanna, lsn't lt?" "It makes me look stupid." " Ahh!" " Do you want me to take lt off?" " C-Colln." " No, Dalsy, lt's Brlan." "I thlnk you're sitting on my dog." "Oh, my God." "Look, I'll count to three... and then stand up." " OK?" " l can't watch." "One,... two,... three." "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Agh!" "(Laughs manlcally)" " The flag's to the northwest." " How do you know?" "I've just seen lt." " Oh, this ls so exciting!" " ls this your first time, kid?" " l'm 36." " ls this your first time, old man?" "Yeah. I've always fancied myself as a bit of a soldier." " l've always fancied myself." " l've always fancied you." "Not here." " Have you ever done this before?" " You could say that." "What do you mean?" "Let's just say the last time I was ln this situation, I wasn't using a paintball gun." "You've seen combat?" "Where?" "Erm,... on the television." "You said the last time you were ln this situation you didn't use a paintball gun." " He didn't." " What did you use?" "It was a big stick." " l'm going for the flag." " You shouldn't do that." "We're deep ln enemy territory, we've got to choose our moment carefully." "Thls place ls swarming with A's, they're not just ln the jungle, they are the jungle." "What do you think this ls, Vletnam?" "Yeah." "Son of a bitch!" "He didn't mean lt!" "He didn't mean lt!" "You didn't mean lt." "Say (Hlgh voice) "l didn't mean lt, Colln."" " l didn't mean lt, Colln." " No, like I said lt." "(Hlgh voice) I didn't mean lt, Colln." "There." "Yes, good boy!" "He's beautiful." "Remlnds me of my own dog, Pompom." " l didn't know you had a dog." " As a child, yeah." "Used to spend hours playing together ln the garden." "I'd dress him up ln period costumes and take amusing photographs." "Loved him so much." "It was tragic, really." "Why?" "One day we were playing ln the street, I was taking some pictures of him dressed as an Ellzabethan merchant." "Suddenly, something caught his eye." "Maybe lt was a stray tomcat or a brightly coloured ball bouncing out of sight, or maybe the stick I threw." "He ran out into the main road, exploded under an articulated lorry." "He blew up?" "No, the weight of the truck on his frail body burst him like a cheap party balloon, sending his ruff forty feet into the air." "There, you see?" "Such vibrant colours." "(Groanlng)" "That paintball was meant for me, he's made this personal." "He made lt personal when he slept with your girlfriend." "Now he's made lt more personal." "Doesn't get more personal than sleeping with your girlfriend." "For Christ's sake, Mlke!" "Have you ever considered thinking about what you're gonna say before you say lt?" "Perhaps you could set up a checkpoint to vet your thoughts for insensitivity." "You hate me." "You're only going out with me cos of what happened when we were little." "Oh!" "Mlke!" "Mlke?" "Mlke!" "You know, Dalsy, this ls gonna be a big responsibility." "Dogs are like kids: want, want, want." "He is a little life." "He has needs." "I know, Marsha, I do, I really do." "I'm not just gonna discard him as soon as he's served his purpose." "He's a living thing, he's not just some kind of novelty toy." "(Flash) Come on, little Colln, dance for me!" "Ha, ha, ha!" "Dance!" "Yes, come on, Colln, dance, dance!" " Dance, dance, dance, dance..." " (Laughs manlcally)" " Oh!" " Dance for me!" "Dance!" " Dance!" " Ha!" "Ha!" "Ha!" "Mlke." "Mlke." "Mlke." "Mlke." "(Moblle rings)" " (Moblle continues ringing)" " Saved by the bell." " Aren't you gonna answer that?" " l've got an answering service." " You've got an answer for everything." " l can't believe you just said that." "Nelther can... (Splutters)" "Nelther can I." "Tlm, firing these guns at such close range ls very dangerous." " You were just about to shoot me." " ln the back of the head, yeah." "In the face, lt's a lot different." "Look, lf we're gonna do this, let's at least be sporting about lt." "What do you say, 20 paces?" " OK." " OK." "Ha!" "Oh." "Ha, ha, ha." "You see, Tlm, that's the difference between you and I." "Organlsatlon." "Careful thinking." "Forward planning." "That ls why I sleep ln the arms of a beautiful woman and you spend your evenings alone ln your bedsit." "Wlth cheap porn." "(Yells) Tlmmmmy!" "It's not a bedsit." "It's a flat." "Aarrgghh!" "Yes!" "No, Mlke!" "Mlke!" "Mlke!" "Oh, Jesus, no!" "(Sobs) Medlc!" "is that you, Tlm?" "I'm here, man, just hold on, hold on!" "I'm tired, Tlm." "Just, er... (Sobs) Everythlng's gonna be fine, I promise." "(Sobs) I'm sorry I said those things, I just..." "I wasn't thinking straight." "I can say pretty stupid things myself, sometimes." "Oh, Mlke, I'm the stupid one, I've always been the stupid one." "(Sobs) What you laughing at?" "I guess I got to be the hero after all." "Yeah, I guess you did." "I've gotta..." "I've gotta sleep." "No, no, Mlke, stay with me!" " l'm so tired." " No, Mlke!" " Bye, old friend." " No, Mlke!" "(Splutters)" "No!" " l really enjoyed that today." " Me too." " You always enjoy lt." " l enjoyed lt more than usual." "(Laughter) I feel cleansed. lt's been a really good day." "That, my friend, ls the beauty of simulated violence." "Let's pick up Dalsy and go down the pub." "I haven't got a care ln the world." " (Thunder)" " Hey, vlano tormenty." "What did you say?" "I said there's a storm coming." "(Rumble of thunder)" "( Dramatlc choral)"