"Tired?" "lacking vitality?" "Sex drive like a panda?" "Get out of the doldrums and into the action zone with the oestrogen wonder-drug that's changed the lives of millions of mature women." "Just one easily-applied patch every day will turn your hot flush into a hot streak and give you back your youth, energy and laboratory-endorsed zippity-do." "Your desire for sex will be anamorphosised overnight without either organ discolouration or unsightly fat deposits." "Buy into tomorrow's genderising medicine today and let a beautiful new you out of the box with a money-back guarantee." "And we're smuggling in French gear which is six times stronger." "It's gonna blow the recreational drug market wide open and make us a fucking fortune." "Like cocaine, ecstasy and Viagra all blended into one super sexy wonder-patch." "Yeah." "Why should menopausal women have all the fun?" "When are we talking to the French psycho about the samples?" " We're not." " I thought today was the day?" "It is but I thought a certain ex bilingual secretary might come in more useful when it comes to the nuances of the French language." "(Camilla) Be outside the phone box on Wolverton Drive at 10:45 and don't be late or Jeremy dies." "Only joking, Joyce." "Love Camilla." " I've got to go out." " Why?" "early morning aerobic session." "With Barbara." "What's that?" "apparently, it's a penis gourd from the Ngaku tribe." "bill's back." " Where is he?" " He's gone for a jog." " What if he gets lost?" " Don't be silly, darling." "This is little Stempington, not the Okavango delta." " Joyce, hi." " I thought you'd want to see this." "Damn." "What the hell's she up to now?" "Ready for the next shell now, Babs." "Better stay over here for a sec, Joyce." " What's that?" " world War II mortar bomb." "highly unstable." "We're peppering the topsoil with them." "Why are you doing that?" "Low-cost housing." "We can't allow that in little Stempington." "Ever seen what a mortar shell can do to a ten-ton JCB digger, Joyce?" " This note might give us a lead." " I can't do this any more, Barbara." "I've got a son at home I haven't seen for six months." "He'II be wondering where I am." "Come on, Joyce." "Remember what we're fighting for here." "I'm not sure I know any more." "Nothing less than a fuII-scaIe defence of little Stempington life." "If we take camilla down, you'II get your freedom back and Jeremy gets to keep his kneecaps." " Right." " OK." "Let's get you kitted up." "We've got work to do." "Sorry." "I'II meet Joyce." "You and lillian find out why the parking fines revenues have dried up." "You think that gimp Handyside's up to something?" " possibly." " As of now, he's fucking pig food." "Don't kill him." "Without his money, the French deal is definitely off." "Nice car, alan." "Very sporty." " Nought to 60 in eight seconds." " Mm." " The, er, seats recline a full 65 degrees." "You should let me take you for a spin sometime." "How about now?" "But first, could you answer a teeny-weeny little question?" "How does a pig-faced parking officer afford a 20 grand muff magnet on the pittance you get paid?" "I've been doing some overtime." "trouble is, alan, your overtime seems to coincide with a drop in revenue on our side." "Now, I'm a Virgo which means I'm fun-Ioving, I'm passionate and I Iove force-feeding men like you their own testicles." "What are you gonna do to me?" "I'm going to take you up on that lovely offer of a drive, of course." "Your stronger than you think, Joyce." "You can help us take camilla down." "Testing, testing, one, two, three." "I'm really sorry." "I wasn't concentrating." " Are you OK?" " My airway feels really tight." " Oh, maybe I should call an ambulance." " No." "I only live round the corner." "It's the big house with the Tuscan gravel drive." "If you could just carry me back, I'd be very grateful." "Keys are in my shorts pocket." "I think I missed it." "No, hang on." " Oui, oui, d'accord." "J'écoute." "He says their representative is already in the country." "The French are coming, Barb." " Moat House tonight, 6pm." " Tonight?" "Room 168." "The line's gone dead." "Exciting, isn't it?" "No snacking on the filo parcels while you're in there." " CamiIIa's expecting us for lunch." " And stop bleeding." "Think it'II still do nought to 60 in eight seconds with fat boy in the back?" "One way to find out." "You don't think it could have got infected, do you?" "You know, in Africa they disinfect wounds by sponging urine onto them for three days." "But I hardly know you." " Oh, no." "I didn't mean..." " tell me more about Africa." "Did you faII in love with a tribal princess?" "No...but I did meet a French wildlife photographer." "French girls with cameras are usually lesbians." "I didn't know that." "It was on the Discovery channel." "Oh, you've got such big, healing hands." "I don't know about you but I'm famished." "Fancy a Caesar salad?" " I should be getting back for bill." " I'm sure bill won't mind." "But I haven't seen him for six months." "You'd be wise to do as I say, Joyce." "Up a bit." "A bit more." "Oh, God, that feels good." "little glass of Pinot Grigio?" "In there." "Oh, just get all your fingers into it." "Yes." "In there." "Oh, God, that feels good." " bill." " Mum." "I thought you went jogging." " I knocked over jewel." " He was like a charging wiIdebeest." " I was massaging her adductor longus." " Oh, is that what they call it these days?" " It's lovely to see you, darling." "Oh." " Oh." "You look so grown-up, darling." "He does, doesn't he?" "He's been telling me about his trip." " This is my mum, by the way." " We're more like sisters, really." "call me camilla." "Gosh, I hope that's just baby oil." " pleased to meet you." " Oh, put some clothes on, darling." "I'm sure paula radcliffe doesn't sprawl all over an italian leather sofa" " in her bra and knickers after a marathon." " You do with Daddy." "Now." "Unfinished business." "I think we should be going." "I want to hear all about Africa." "Any time you're in the area, feel free to pop in and use the hot tub, bill." "And don't forget about the festival of French culture at the hotel later." "You might find some gear that's right up your street." "Cheerio." "Whatia, whatia." "Oh..." "Ka Mate, Ka Mate, Ka Ora" "Oh, Ka Mate" " billy boy." " Book 'em, Danno." " So how was it?" " Amazing." " What d'you think of the new place?" " Great, so far." "Hope it's not too quiet for you." "The lad's old enough to know what he's doing." "I'm worried about him getting involved with a local girl" " when he goes to university soon." " She seems like a bright spark to me." "I'm amazed you could glean anything with all that make-up." "AII those strong, scantiIy-cIad Masai warrior women probably got his juices flowing." "I wonder what the ribbing's for." "I'II go." "hello, Africa boy." "Fancy a spin?" "It was parked right there." "jewel." "Joyce, hi." "follow me." "Any chafing from the nipple mic?" " No." " Good." "Cooee." "Joyce is here." " God." " For God's sake, Margaret." "Thanks for coming, Joyce." "Hoo, these French fellas may be a nasty bunch." "So we're gonna give you a crash course in weapons training, just in case." "In case of what?" "In case they fire one of these monsters at you." " I really don't think there's any need." " Oh, I'm sure nothing's gonna happen." "It's just a precaution." "shall I show you?" "Maybe we should start Joyce on...something smaller?" "I'd been camping in the bush before but I'd never made the mistake of wandering off the path until that moment." " So what happened?" " So the mamba was about to strike and I didn't see it." "But luckily, Mwembo did." "And he managed to grab it by the neck just in time." "Oh, God, it all sounds so dangerous." "What was that?" "probably just doggers or the town perv." "really?" "Nothing exciting ever happens in this town." "until now, maybe." "I don't recall saying you could borrow Mummy's new car." "well, if you bought me one like you keep promising, I wouldn't have to take yours." "Out you get." "Come on, madam." "I'm late for a very important meeting." "You too, Tarzan." " Sorry." " Don't apologise." " See anything yet?" "The buffet looks busy tonight." "Wait." "There's camilla." "Mutton dressed as lamb." "Sorry I'm late." "Bonjour." "Je m'appeIIe Joyce HazIedine." "Enchanté." " So down to business." " You speak english." "When it suits me." "Looks like a standard oestrogen patch but this baby is eight times stronger than the kind you get in your Boots the chemist." "slap on one of these and you'II turn into Courtney Love." "We'II be the judge of that." "What's going on, Joyce?" " Joyce looks flustered." " shall I shoot the Frenchman?" "Quiet while I listen to him." "OK, Margaret." "Finger on the trigger and shoot him in the head." "Wait." "Joyce is saying something." "Sorry." " What the fuck is going on?" " Joyce?" "It's my Wonderbra." "They don't have them in France." "I might need a little help." "Let's show him we mean business." "Super clear shot." "please." "please, please, please." "clever girl, Joyce." "When you've tried the merchandise, call me." "But take it easy, uh?" "This stuff is dynamite." "We'II be in touch." " One question." " What?" "Why is he covered in sun-dried tomatoes and filo pastry, hm?" "What did he say?" "He asked if I'd Iike to get naked with him and share some cocaine." "You've got a wicked sense of humour for a shy girl, Joyce." "well done, Joyce." "You acted like a real pro today." "I just need you to do me one more little favour." "Use one of these super strength oestrogen patches every day for the next ten days without fail." "What if I say no?" "I wouldn't give great odds on bill keeping his virginity if you do, Joyce." "We'II all have a go." "And don't even think about handing in a sick note." "I'II be blood testing you next week." "I'd pop the heating on for an hour or so if I were you, Joyce." " Hi, darling, it's Mummy." "No, I'II be home soon." "What?" "Yes, it's a baby crying in the background." "A big baby." "tell Daddy that I said you could help yourself to a hobnob from the tin." "Bye, honey." "Big kiss." "I'II sell the car and pay you back." "Just don't kill me, please." "For God's sake." "Let's put him out of his misery." "I'II tell you what, alan." "You take off those rancid underpants, show us what you're really made of, and we might just let you run along home." "Off you go." "He's made a nice job of turning the soil for your sweet peas." "Adios, fat boy."