"Ew." "Since when did they start making orange-flavored Cheerios?" "Since you poured your juice in the bowl." "Hey." "Our Alumni newsletter came today." "So let's find to see what people've been up to." "Oh, hey, Will..." "Look at this picture of Amy Scott on the Great Wall of China." "That's two things you can see from space." "Yes, she's big-boned." "Yes, it looks like this two-thousand year old wall is crumbling beneath her." "But, do we really have to insult everyone whenever this thing comes out?" "Hey, if I'm donating 10 bucks to the school, I'm gettin' something for it." "I just think that kind of pettiness is a waste of energy." "Why measure ourselves against other people's successes and failures?" "That's crazy!" "How else are we gonna figure out if we're better than someone?" "Jack, just let it go, or else he'll start going on about his new therapist." "Anyways, that's what my new therapist says." "You know that New York Magazine named her one of the Top 75 therapists in the city?" "And if you don't count Jews, Top 2." "She wrote this book on seasonal affective disorder." "It's amazing." "Yeah." "I've been meaning to read that." "Maybe in the summer when each day isn't like looking into a black abyss." "Call me old-fashioned, but I think therapy is a load of hooey." "Give me six carefully placed leeches anyday." "You know, Grace, you should try Dr. Keller." "She is tough, but good." "Here's her card." "I'm the one that wrote "tough, but good"." "Why not." "Maybe there will be a real loser in the waiting room who will make me feel better about myself." "What time's your appointment?" "I just had the most horrible experience." "This dwarf tried to steal my purse." "Fortunately, I was able to wrestle him to the ground and get it back." "Karen!" "This isn't your purse!" "It's a Dora The Explorer lunch box!" "You just mugged a little girl." "A hungry, frightened little girl." "Are you saying I don't know a dwarf mugger in a plaid skirt and braids when she skips past me?" "!" "I don't know, Karen." "This is strikingly similar to last week when you thought that woman stole your fur and you came home with a seeing-eye-dog around your neck." "Yeah, and that fur crapped all over my carpet, too!" "Well, just in case, we need to go back to the school and make sure nobody's missing a lunch box." "What?" "It's egg salad." "What kid wants that?" "It's just that I-I'm a partner now, and I should have a better stapler." "I'm still using the same old Swingline that got me through law school." " Now Gary, who isn't even a partner, has this new silver one that doesn't" " Knock it off, Will." "The stapler is your penis, and you're worried that Gary's is bigger." "Wow, you are tough." "This is really resonating with me." "I've--I've always had an issue comparing myself to other people." "Oh, my God." "This might have something to do with my brothers." "Scoot over a little bit, you're blocking the clock." "Oh, sorry." "I just remembered this thing that happened in a touch football game." "It was Thanksgiving." "I think I was about 12." "Interesting." "Would you like to share that?" " I would." " Well, you can't." "'Cause you crapped around for about 48 minutes talking about a stapler." "So we'll get into that next week." "In the meantime, I'd like to give you an assignment." "An assignment?" "Are you using your mind tricks to mold me into an assassin?" "What's my code name?" "How about Grown Men Acting Cutesy Makes Me Wanna Throw Up?" "I was hoping for double-O something." "But..." "Okay, I'd like you to write a letter to your younger self, apologizing for what you've become." "And warning him not to make the same mistakes." " How long does it have to be?" " I'm guessing it's gonna be quite long." " Should--should it be typed or handwritten?" " I don't care." "I'm not gonna read it." "Thank you, Dr. Keller." " How'd it go?" " Whew." "Intense." "Grueling." "Like I've never felt so raw, emotionally." " Did you cry?" " No, no." "I did last week and she made fun of me." " That is awful!" " No, no, I deserved it. 'Cause I'm not a baby, I'm a man." "I don't want to go in there." "You may not know this about me, but I really hate talking about myself." "Well, it's courageous the way you force yourself." "Grace?" "It's okay." "It's only 50 minutes and I'll be right out here doing my homework." "Ugh!" "There's homework?" "I'll just copy yours." "Karen, are you in here?" "Ollie, Ollie, OxyContin." "Rosie!" "I thought you were one of those alligators that come up from the sewer." "I'm supposed to be cleaning, but this tub is softer than my bed." "Rosie, I'm worried about Karen." "I think she might need glasses." "Of course she does, but she won't admit it." "Well, why haven't you said anything?" "Eh, I'm not that invested." "Well, I'm gonna get her to admit it." "Why does the weight of the world always fall on my shoulders?" "Good thing I did my shrugs today." "Rosie, this place is spotless." "Whatever you've been doing, why don't you do it to the tops of your hands?" "Great." "I've been cleaning all morning." "Oh, Rosie." "As a reward for all of your hard work, I made you a nice big turkey sandwich." "It's hanging from a string off the balcony." "If you can get it, it's yours." "Go on." "Great." "I put a tarantula in the liquor cabinet." "If you can find it, it's yours." "Jackie, you're here just in time to help me feed my fish." "Fish tanks." "People say they're relaxing, but I've never really found them to be..." " Oh, sorry!" "Hey, Kare, can I ask you something?" " Sure." "Well, you know how I assert my individuality by wearing a gently satirical button every day?" "Of course!" "Who could forget your "God is coming and she is pissed button"?" "God is a woman...." "It's funny 'cause it's blasphemous." " So, do you like this one?" " Oh, yes, honey, I love it." " You didn't even read it." " I did too." "Then what's it say?" "Honey, I don't need to tell you." "We both know what it says." "Yeah, but I want you to read it." "Why don't I read it later, honey?" "You know I always like to curl up in bed with a good button." "Read it !" "No." "Read it !" "No." "Read it !" "No." "Read it !" ""A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle"?" "No!" "I only wear that during Women's History Month." "This one says, "A man's gotta believe in something." "I believe I'll have another beer."" "Eh, the ladies like it." " Jackie, why are you acting so crazy?" " Because you're blind as a bat, Karen." "You need glasses!" "My vision is perfect." "How dare you!" "Okay." "A letter warning me not to make the same mistakes I've made..." ""Dear Young Will," "When you're 19, your sleazy, perv of an English professor is going to offer you an A in exchange for sexual favors." "Go for it."" "'Scuse me?" "Do you have the time?" "Yeah, it's a quarter after..." "Oh, my God." "She's been in there, like an hour and a half." "Yeah, I know." "It's going into my session." "I need to tell somebody about that." "Otherwise, I'll start another fire tonight." "Oh, that sounds cozy." "Oh, you mean" " Oh." "God!" "Poor Grace." "She's gotta be a mess." "Oh, Georgia!" "That was so fun." "I can't believe how quick the time went." "I had a great time too." "You are a doll." "I'm getting a jump on my letter." "Ugh, you're still here." "Oh, let's go, Nester." "If you're good, I'll let you burn last month's magazines." "So, it went well?" "Oh, Georgia's great." "Uh, she gave me an assignment." "My younger self has to buy me a spa treatment as a gift for being so adorable." "I'm adorable!" "Why is Georgia making me write a stupid letter?" "Oh, I think she wants you to call her Dr. Keller." "Well, I don't know what to tell you." "I guess she likes me." "We're gonna have lunch tomorrow." "What?" "!" "She told me if I ever see her in a restaurant, that I'm supposed to leave." "Well, if you really must know, she wants to study me." "She thinks I'm interesting." "You're not interesting!" "We passed, like, 20 of you on the way here." "If I'm not interesting, then why am I gonna be a case study in her next book?" " What are you even a case study for?" " Who cares?" "I'm in a book." "Grace A. Adorable New York Neurotic." "Well, I think this is a bad idea." "Well, you're just saying that because you're not interesting enough to be a case study." "Will T. Bitter New York Homo." " I'm interesting." " You're not in a book." "Oh, who cares?" "How embarrassing." "I feel sorry for you, selling yourself out for a little attention." "So sad." "It's killing you, isn't it?" "I'm gonna get in that book, or this city is gonna burn." "See, Karen, that exam wasn't as bad as you thought." "And it was quick too. 'Cause your pupils are already dilated." "I guess so, but, you know, that doctor wasn't as thorough as I had expected." "He almost forgot to do my breast examination." "With the rising cost of insurance these days, doctors don't touch you inappropriately unless you demand it." "Oh, Jackie, you're a good friend." "Thank you for making me come here." "Even if I did have to be in the same room with of all these hideous freaks." "Oh, she didn't mean all of you, no, no." "But, I mean, if I, like, had to guess, probably, you know, like you and you." "Excuse me, sir, can you turn around?" "Yes, definitely you, heh." "Well, your glasses are ready, Mrs. Walker." "And I'm sorry I had to put in so many eye drops, but your eyes had absolutely no moisture in them." "I actually had to blow dust off them." "Rosie uses Pledge on a paper towel while I sleep." "Well, why don't you try these on and see if they fit, because I really don't care to spend any more time with you." "I can see!" "I can see!" "Oh, there you are." "Yay, you can see!" "Oh, and I'm tasting blood." "So, is this what the world looks like?" "Everything is so crisp and clear and beautiful." "Oh, except for you." "And you." "Oh, you gotta get this guy to turn around, Karen." "Oh, yeah, honey, definitely you." "Seeing is a very powerful thing." "You have to be very careful exactly" "AAH!" "Oh, my God!" "I'm a monster!" "Damn you, Doctor!" "Damn you and your evil, futuristic vision glasses!" "You know they've had glasses since the 16th century." "Yeah, um, she didn't like wearing them then either." "Hi, is this the Alumni Association?" "This is Grace Adler." "I just wanted to give you a heads-up." "I'm gonna be in a book." "It doesn't matter what kind of book." "Just please put in, "Grace Adler will be starring in a book."" " Hey." " Hi." "How was your session?" " Oh, it was good." "Yeah." "Yeah, Georgia and I had a great time." " You mean Dr. Keller." "No, no, Georgia." "Guess who's in the book?" "What?" "How did you get in the book?" "Well, I just dug deep." "Like..." "I talked about the real issues of my life... my fears, my childhood, my last relationship." "And then just to nail it, I" " When I talked about my mother, I-I developed a facial tick." "This is so unfair!" "The book is my thing!" "I had it first." " Yeah, well, she was my therapist first." " You didn't even read her last book." "Well, I'll read this one. 'Cause I'm in it." "Well, if you're gonna be in it, I don't wanna be in it." " Good, don't be in it." " You don't be in it!" "She's obviously more interested in me." " Oh, really?" "Do you fake mental illness?" " I don't have to!" "This crazy is all real!" "You know what?" "I'm going to Georgia and I'm gonna tell her I will not stand for this." " What's she gonna to do?" "Kick me out of the book." " Maybe." "I'm going with you!" "Oh, Karen." "Gosh, I felt so bad the way we left things, I rushed right over after seeing Vin Diesel in The Pacifier." "I'm not gonna lie to you, Jackie." "I am flattered that you raced to my side." "But I still can't forgive you for making me try those devil goggles on." "But why?" "Karen, a lot of people wear glasses." "Charles Nelson Reilly..." "Larry King..." "Jessica Tandy..." "You know, right up near the end there." "Honey, that's my point." "I'm getting old." "You know, when I saw myself in that mirror today, all I could think was, I should be wearing a boa and Wayland Flowers should have his hand up my ass." "Well, there's nothing you can do about it now." "Karen, all straight people age." "Honey, sometimes I wish I was one of the little fishies." "They never get old." "They never die." "They just swim around and around in that tank for six months and then miraculously turn into a completely different kind of fish." "Karen, I'm not gonna have this argument with you again." "You will never be a fish!" "Isn't it enough you drink like one?" "No!" "Now leave me alone, you vague, formless shape!" "All right, fine." "But you should know, there's no shame in getting old." "There's only shame in getting ugly." "But that's never gonna happen to you." "All right?" "So here." "I'm gonna leave these here, and you put them on when you're ready to join the real world." "And I mean "The Real World:" "Hawaii" with the funny drunk girl." "Not "The Real World:" "Seattle", where the girl with the Lyme Disease got slapped." "You look stunning in those glasses, lady." "I do?" "You really think so, Rosie?" "I do." "You look like the lovely and talented Tina Fey." "Wow." "Well, if there's a compliment higher than that, I don't know what it is." "You know what else, my sweet, sweet Rosie?" "What, Mommy?" "Now that I have these glasses on..." "I can see the layer of filth that's covering every surface in this bathroom, including you!" "So get your two friends, chamois and 409, and get to work!" "Enjoy those glasses, lady, because they're gonna be blended in your margarita tonight." "No salt on the rim." "I'm sure sooner or later, somebody's gonna do a case study about handsome gay men and the women that bug the hell out of them." "Well, you're already in a book." "It's called, People Who Push Their Way Into Other People's Books 'Cause They're Too Lame To Get Their Own Book." "Yeah, I'm sure that's the working title." "Hey, what's going on out here?" "I'm in session." "Look, here's the deal." "Only one of us can be in your book and I really think it should be me." "And I think it should be me." "I am way crazier than him." "I almost cut all my hair off today." "Oh, please, she would never cut off her hair." "It's half her personality." "Reminds me of my mother." "Fake!" "That's fake!" "Enough." "Come on in." "I thought you were in session." "I lied, I was having a scotch and a cigarette before my next client." "Do you mind if I bum a smoke?" " You don't smoke." " Yes, I do." "I have an oral fixation because I was not breast-fed enough as a child." "I have the same thing." "I got it from my mother." "That's my twitch." "She stole my twitch!" "I steal too." "I'm really messed up." "Look, do you two really think that this fight is just about being in the book?" "Oh, you mean what's underneath the book?" "Ugh, here we go." "Please, we went over it a million times." "Our codependent relationship is toxic and will never grow until we spend more time apart." "By clinging to each other, we're not emotionally available to anyone else, blah, blah, dysfunction" "Blah, blah, blah, psychologically crippled." "We've been over it so many times." "We've got it on coasters." "Sorry, dumb asses." "This is just about being in the book." "Your relationship is fine." " It is?" " We're not toxic?" "Ugh." "I'm gonna tell you what I told Mary-Kate and Ashley O." "Together, you two pretty much balance each other out." "Apart, you're just a couple of skinny little bag ladies with big sunglasses." "Did you hear that?" "Our relationship is perfectly healthy." "More importantly, she said we were skinny like the O. twins."