"original uploader ..... dragan2006" "have become the inspiration of joke's that are amongst the popular ever told." "Little Johnny joke's have been embraced by millions." "And shared by people from countries all over the World." "What makes these joke's so enduring?" "Prehaps it's because he shows the world through the eyes of a child." "And tells it like...it is" "A complete and utter mess" "But i bet you didn't know that Little Johnny joke's are in fact based on..." "Well...fact." "weve dragged from the vaults." "That shows Little Johnny's debut on a short lived television show. a word you love and then use that word in a sentence..." "Shana" "Butterfly"...it's a beautiful word and they are my favourite insects." "indeed they are fabulous aren't they." "And Roger...your word" "Skylark can you put that in a sentence for our viewers at home" "Yes..." "My Daddy owns a Buick "Skylark" and it's got a 322 5.3 litre nailhead V8 and... excellent Roger you certainly know your cars" "And next we have..." "Johnny..." "Johnny what word have you got for us today?" "Goin'" "Another unusual word Ladies and Gentlemen "Goin'"..can you put that in a sentence Little Johnny" "Yeah..." "Go 'en get Fucked" "the joys of live television" "Ha-Ha-Ha..." "Well now Hello Lone Ranger and where is Tonto?" "Don't know!" "Well er..." "So how are you today?" "Good" "Are you married?" "Are there any little Ranger juniors or Rangerettes?" "Ha-ha-ha-ha" "No" "And what's your word?" "Your favourite word your word of the day Mr.Ranger" "Smee can you put that in a sentence for me Mr.Ranger Sir?" "Yeah.."Smee" again..." "So you can all go and get Fucked!" "Why you little....." "Of course Little Johnny wasn't always like that born in to a regular family" "By regular..." "I mean they weren't particularly well off went to church every Sunday" "And ate Dinner at the Dinner Table sold foundation garments to house-wife's looking for support took in ironing to earn extra money" "Harry bought an 8mm camera and began to film his young family" "And thus record a legend" "The Legend of Little Johnny" "Now it must be said that Little Johnny's use of prefanity was not a symptom of progressed Tourettes Syndrome as many Church going Town's Folk may of thought" "It wasn't the fault of his conserative parents" "Who dis-allowed even the slightest obsenity" "Where he got it from...is any body's guess" "This is Little Johnny's Uncle Kevin and despite his penchant for profanity" "He was a well liked decent sort of fellow" "And Little Johnny looked up to him" "And that's Uncle Kevin's wife.." "Mavis" "She was tough enough to keep him in check" "And this is Little Johnny's Cousin Cheryl" "She's a dad's worst nightmare they treated Little Johnny as if he was there very own" "More toast dear?" "Oh i'm fine thanks" " Come on boy's..." "Breakfast" " Okay" "I just don't know what were going to do with those boys!" " Erm" " It's the constant swearing" "We really need to put a stop to it" "I'm sorry...your going to have to punish them" "Okay..okay..." "leave it to me" " Good morning Sweetie" " Morning Mum..." "Dad" "What would you like for breakfast Billy?" " Fuckin' Cornflakes please" " What !" "..." "That's it young man" "You've.." "Been.." "Warned.." "Mister" "like for Breakfast?" " Well..." "Not Fuckin' Cornflakes!" " What !" "Oh..." "Uncle kevin's here" "i could feel myself getting old" " Any how..." "G'day" " Morning Uncle Kevin" "Ha-ha.." "Hey mate you would of laughed this morning" "You know that fuckin' cow with the one horn?" "next thing she's charging at me got me gammy leg stuck in a bucket of feed" "Shit's going everywhere..." "and i ended up face first in...." "Everything alright mate?" "Yeah okay...i suppose" "You sure?" "i think Mrs.Rogers is gonna fail me in arithmetic today" "Fail ya!" "why?" "how much is 2 times 3 and i said 6" "Yeah..." "That's right!" "how much is 3 times 2?" " What's the fuckin' difference?" " Well that's what i said" "see ya little mate" "Ah.." "Mr.Wilson..." "Yes.... i offered your nephew Little Johnny a cookie" "I don't fucking want one don't fuckin' give him one" "Miss Thomas is away for a couple of weeks and i'm your substitute Teacher" "My name is Miss Prussy" "A good way to remember that is to think of Pussy..." "But with an "R" "Good Morning Miss Pussy" "It is my understanding that you have been studying Geography with Miss Thomas" "So today...we will be learning about North America" "And what is your name?" " Yes" " Roger...maam" "Roger...would you like to come up and find North America" " Erm..." "Here it is" " Very good" "Now class..who discovered North America?" "Little Roger!" "No.." "Not exactly...." "Okay..." "Maybe we could take this opportunity to learn a little about one another" "Would anyone like to share a story with us?" "Yes... and your name?" "Johnny Miss But everyone calls me Little Johnny" "What would you like to share with us Little Johnny?" "I had a stuttering Cat..." "A stuttering Cat!" " There's no such thing as a stuttering Cat" " Yes there is..." " I had a Kitty Cat that stuttered..." " Really..." "Yeah..." "I was playing with him the other day and a huge dog jumped the front fence and attacked us that must of been very scary my Cat raised his back and went ffff...ffff...ffff the Dog ate him" "Please and certainly nothing to laugh about" "All right...who's that laughing?" "Sorry Miss Prussy" "What's so funny Roger?" "Well maam..." "I just saw...one of your suspenders" "Well i never...." "Get out of my classroom...this instant i don't want to see you for the rest of the day arouses such hostile reaction" " Quickly please..." " Mummy won't be pleased" "Who was that?" "Name..." "Miss hee-hee-hee" "And what's so funny?" "I just saw...both of your suspenders hee-hee-hee" "What is wrong with you Children?" "Get out of my classroom you...horride little boy" "I don't want to see you for an entire week!" "Huh!" "..." "And where do you think your going?" "i think my school days are over you see it was on television or was it real but like puppets?" "Aahh..." "You shitting me" "Yeah..." "Yeah..." "I agree for a member of the opposite sex?" " Come on..." "let's go before i vomit.." " Yeah..." "Erm... when you can't afford a packet of bubble-gum?" "So Mary..." "Who's it gonna be?" "it's never been you" "And even when it was...it was him..." "He thinks he's a big man" "A Rebel... what are you Rebelling against?" "So..." "What have you got..." "Huh?" "You wanna go to Harrison?" "Take me anywhere you want Johnny" "Argh..." "Get off me you...creep" "Get a room!" "you freakin' fairy" "What's the world coming too when your best friend get's all fruity and...and... you'll never be able to afford it" "Wheels like that are for the rich and not for the like's of us" "So..." "Be happy with nothing...celebrate your poverty eat Rice like the rest of the world..." "Dear..." "Santa..." "it being so soon after Christmas and all i would very much like to clear up certain things that have occured since last year.." "a pair of Roller-skates and a Football" "I racked my brain studying the whole year and i did pretty good at school there was no one in my entire neighbourhood that behaved better than me" "A WHISTLE AND A PAIR OF SOCKS" "And you gave that prick Jason all the stuff i wanted" "And let him brag all over school about it" "Don't let me see you trying to cram your big fat arse down my chimney next year" "I'll be waiting..." "I'll mess up your stupid Reindeer and scare them away so that you have to walk back to the fucking North Pole justlikeihavetowalktoschoolbecause you didn't think i deserved that fucking bike" "FUCK YOU" "Ah...sincerly Little Johnny" " Morning Mum" "Good Morning Darling" "Why you rubbing that stuff on your face?" " To make myself beautiful" " Oh..okay..." "What's the matter Mum?" "Giving up?" "he'd do anything to get it who was pretty damn clever when he put his mind to it" "Johnny..." "What have you done with my bleeding power drill" "Hello Johnny" "Hello Father.... you two certainly make a nice picture..." "What's your Doggie's name?" "I call him Porky..." "Porky!" "That's an unusual name for such a cute little Doggie" "But why do you call him Porky?" "Because he fuck's me Uncle's Pig... would like to enter our Talent Quest?" "take this flyer..." "Contest!" "Money!" "Oh yes..." "Real money?" "It says so at the bottom" "Must be off..." "Good-day now..." "Mary went the Lamb was sure to go" "Ladies and Gentlemen" "And now we have Little Johnny..." "Who's going to do some impersonation's i believe" "Would you give him a big hearty Gallangatta welcome" "Little Johnny...." "Ahem..." "Ladies and Gentlemen... just outta town" "And nearly every weekend i..i go out there and help him" "Today i would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds i hear on my Uncle's farm get off that fucking Tractor!" "Thank you..." "Gimme me Bow Tie..." "Mum will kill me if i lose that" "Really..." "Well you had better listen up ya stupid Jarmuck" "I can't give it back..." "But you can...get it back if you know what i mean?" "Pleasure doing business with ya" "remember this Cojean is coming to kick ya ass" "But why doesn't he sell the place and get another job for goodness sake?" "he can't help that there's been a drought for 2 years" "You'd think the bank would understand the farm can earn more than than enough to pay the mortgage" "Hmmm..." "Potentially yeah...." "But realistically the bank's only intrested in getting there money now" "So Kevin better think of something or he'll loose the farm" "Uncle Kevin..." "Yeah mate..." "What's the difference between potentially and realistically?" "Go inside and ask Auntie Mavis if she'd have sex with the mailman for a million bucks!" "Auntie Mavis..." "Yes Darling..." "Would you have sex with the mailman for a million bucks?" "with the way things are at the moment i guess i would she would Uncle Kevin now go and ask Cousin Cheryl if she'd do the same thing" "Cheryl..." "Yeah what... would you have sex with the mailman?" "Ahh..." "Duh..." "For a million bucks of course i would she would too thought so...well there you go then mate" "Potentially were sitting on 2 million bucks.." "i'm just living with a couple of whores... and connected to it at the top are the Fallopian Tubes" "And the two Ovaries should clearly understand when he is old enough to understand" "So...there you are class" "That's what happens in sexual intercourse and that's how baby's are made... or real life..about what we've been talking about?" "Yes Roger... yes..yes..yes.." "I was climbing a tree yesterday and i saw a Nest with baby birds in it" "Excellent example Roger..." "Yes Mary... it was my little brother Tommy" "Very good Mary..." "Yes Johnny..." "I was watching the Lone Ranger on TV and he was surrounded by hundred's of Indian's" "And they all attacked at one time...and he killed every one of them with just two guns" "Well that's good Johnny...but what does it have to do with sex education?" "Well..it will teach those Indian's not to fuck with the Lone Ranger Miss" "Look everyone..." "This is very exciting..." "We have a new student all from Leningrad..." "Russia" "His name is Boris..." "say Good Morning Class..." "Good Morning Boris" "Now Boris...would you like to tell us a little about where your from" ""wierman harleck wasses" "Butzeep" "Oh!" ".." "Don't forget your test results..." "Hi Dad..." "Hi Mum..." "Hey..." "Hey..." "Hey..." "Not so fast Mister!" "If i remember correctly you got your test results today... actually..i don't have em..." "What do you mean you don't have em!" "i did have em..." "But i leant em to Rog..." " He wants to scare his parents!" " WHAT!" "N.." "N.." "Nah!" ".." "Just kidding..." "Here they are..." "Well at least there's one thing i can say that's good about Johnny... he couldn't possibly be cheating!" "Now children.." "Who'd like to come up and tell the class what they did on the weekend" "Well Miss..." "Me and my brother Billy went down to the creek a few times" "And what did you do at the creek may i ask..." "Swim?" "our favourite thing to do is to catch Frog's Miss" "Really..." "And what do you do with them?" "and light them!" "Rectum Johnny..." "Rectum" "Wrecked em.." "Blew em to the Shit-house..." "Roger..." "Please tell me you did something more beneficial with your time off" "My family and i went to the beach and stayed at a camping ground all the way from Minneapolis.." "Minnesota" "Minneapolis.." "Minnesota Can you spell that for us Roger?" "Actually Maam...i think they were from..." "L.A" "All right Mary..." "Miss Rogers and class" "One of the thing's i did on the weekend was go around to Jason's place and place in his sand box" "That sounds like fun..." "Mary" "Sand"." "I'll give you a fresh baked Cookie" "Here's a Cookie i'll give you a Cookie too" "Now Mustafa..." "What did you do on the weekend?" "Miss one day i saw Mary going over to Jason's place and i followed her" "Jason threw Rocks at me...till i went away" "Threw Rocks at you!" "That sounds like Blatent Racial Discrimination if you can come up to the blackboard and write "Blatent Racial Discrimination" i'll give you a Cookie..." "The letter "B" is for Benign" "Outstanding Mary.." "Now can anybody else tell us what Benign means" "Johnny after he be eight" "Now it's time for a reality check the results were very disappointing" " Boris..." " Da a Fibular is not a little lie..." ""H2O was Hot Water and CO2 is Cold Water" "Incorrect..." "Errr.." "Maybe it was the other way around!" "I can't remember..." "What is a Nitrate" "And you said and i quote..." ""Cheaper than a day rate" "It's not funny children..." "On this General Knowledge Question..." ""How do you delay milk going sour?" "Keep it in the Cow" "Little Johnny..." "You shouldn't be laughing..." "Math Question 5a asked... what would she have?" "A heart-attack" "And for being smart...you get a big fat Zero" "A Zero!" "I don't think i deserve a zero Miss..." "Well i agree..." "But it's the lowest mark i can give you" " Ahem..." " Yes Johnny..." "What is it?" "But just so you know..." "Last night my Dad told me that if my grades don't start to improve" "Somebody is going to get a spanking" "Good night Darling...sleep well" "Mummy..." "Yes Billy" "Could you sleep here with me tonight?" "I can't sweetheart i've got to sleep with Daddy" "He's a big sissy" "can you give me a Dollar for my money jar?" "A Dollar..." "I don't think so Darling..." "If you do..." "I'll tell you what Dad said to Betty from next door when she walked her dog past our place last night" "Well then what did he say?" "Your dog's been digging holes under our fence again" "Hello there sonny..." "Would your parents be home?" "Well what the fuck do you think?" "Do yo know about our Lord  Saviour Jesus Christ?" "i know that he lives in our Bathroom!" " He what!" " How..." " why do you say that Son?" "knocks on it and yells Jesus Christ are you still in there!" "but i couldn't resist i just had to see your face..." "If i win the race..." "i'll be able to get the bike" "You know what that means?" "You'll have a bike?" "It means i'll have to beat Jason..." "He's won it for years" "But you don't know anything about Billy-Cart's or racing..." "You'll have to do a crash course" "Yep...." "Without the crashing..." "Mate you can't get blood out of a stone" "I said i was gonna fucking pay ya" "I'm sure you understand Mr.Wilson that our records must be current in the relation to the value of this property and all associated assets" "Yeah fair enough" "You wouldn't mind if i take a look around knock yourself out mate" "Just mind that pile of tyres out the back there's another fucking snake down there!" "Get up there..." "Fuck ya stupid cow..." "G'day there Uncle Kevin" "Yeah mate then i'll come and give you a hand" "You want me to get you anything?" "No thanks mate G'day Roger" "Auntie!" "Johnny!" "What's that?" "That..." "That's where God touched me with the Golden Axe" "Really!" "He got ya right in the Cunt!" "Thank you but don't be embarassed" "I saw Grandma's pussy one day too when i was staying over" "I think her's was dead...the tongue was hanging out your listed as having two toilets!" "in side but what about the Thunder-box out the back?" "What!" "..." "I'd hardly call that a toilet with a hole in it over a rusty bucket!" "There's not even a lock on the door no bastard's ever knocked off a bucket of shit the whole time i've been here as agreed yeah..right oh" "Oh Uncle Kevin..." "What is it mate?" "do you know anything about Billy-Cart's?" "I know a little bit about em..." "Yes i have had immortal thoughts about her Father..." "Immoral you say!" "So who is this person?" "Could it be the Suzie Fitz-Simmons lass?" "No Father..." "I won't say i hear about?" "No.." "No not at all it must be Betty?" "..." "Betty Stenton..." "The amount of confessions i get about that girl..." "N.." "No" "Oh.." "Prehaps it's that continental strumpet Angelina... forget it i won't say..." "Your very tight lipped Johnny and i must say i admire that in a young man..." "But even thoughts can be sinful...and you must atone..." "Say 8 Hail Mary's and behave..." "So...what did you get?" "8 Hail Mary's and 4 great leads...." "And who knows where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?" "I do Miss...i do..." "Yes Johnny..." "They go in the bushes behind the Church-Yard..." "Err..." "Careful Johnny...we may have to wash you mouth out with soap ...Again" "Mickey Ramone showed me his Weener today at the Playground" "It remined me of a Peanut!" "Really..." "Small was it?" "No..." "Salty" "Mum..." "That man who works for God is here" "Hello Father how nice to see you" "Hello Mrs.Murphy i just called to see if you were feeling better" "This morning before Mass Little Johnny told me you were ill!" "Told you i was ill!" " You know i think boys are stupid..." " Oh I agree..." "No were not..." "Oh yes they are..." "All boys are stupid... stupid" " And girls are so much better" "Oh yeah..." "At least i got one of these!" "..." "You haven't..." "I Don't Care.." "Johnny i can get as many of those as i like..." "Just a minute Young man..." "Hi Mum..." "Why did you lie to Father O'Flarity?" "I didn't..." "Well he told me that you said i was ill..." "But you were Mum..." "What makes you say that?" "..." "I wasn't ill" "Well.." "I was walking past your bedroom this morning and i distinctly heard Dad say..." "Come on turn over and take your medicine..." "Oh.." "Well i'm much better now thank you..." "Well come in here please we have a visitor.." "Look who's here Johnny.." "Mrs. Quiggly" "You remember Mrs.Quiggly..." "Go and give her a kiss..." "Come Darling give us a kiss..." "No.... what's the matter Sweetheart?" ".." "You too shy?" "No..." "She's too Ugly" "Johnny!" "How dare you..." "Appologise to Mrs.Quiggly this instant...." "Appologise..." "I'm sorry..." "Your so Ugly Mrs.Quiggly" "Can i go now?" "Okay..." "Quieten down Quieten down..." "QUIET!" "Ha!" ".." "Thank you" "Now Class..." "Today were gonig to talk about Multi-syllable Words..." "Does anybody know of an example of a Multi-syllable Word?" "Mary..." "Pretty..." "Very good..." "Roger..." "Monkey..." "Very good..." "Yes.." "Johnny!" "Mas-ter-bate..." "Oh Johnny..that's a mouthful..." "You must be thinking of Blow-Job" "Quiet please..." "Now let's move on.." "Okay today were going to have two special words" "The first being.."Perhaps"." "Who can use the word "perhaps" in a sentence?" ".." "Yes Mickey..." "Prehaps" you won't give us any homework... we'll see about that..." "Yes Shana..." "Perhaps" it's going to rain..." "Excellent Shana..." "Very good use of the word..." "YES JOHNNY!" "my Cousin Cheryl and her Piano teacher both had there pants down around there ankles" " "Perhaps" they were going to shit on the Piano" "JOHNNY!" "..." " Yes Miss..." " That is totally unexceptable..." "From now on you are to sit there..." "Do nothing..." "And above all else be quiet..." "Now Children..." "For today's second special word" "I would like to see if anyone can use the word "Beautiful" twice in one sentence..." "Yes Shana..." "My Cousin wore a "Beautiful" Wedding Dress and the whole Wedding was just "Beautiful" "Very good Shana..." "Yes Roger... for a Picnic and the views were simply "Beautiful" "Very good Roger..." "Miss..." "Miss...." "I can use it in a sentence 3 times Miss but be careful... one night my Cousin Cheryl came home and told my Uncle Kevin that she was Pregnant" "Beautiful"..."Beautiful".." "Just fuckin' "Beautiful"..." "That's it..." "I have had quite enough of you young man" "You are constantly disrupting my Classes with your foul language" "But it's like i'm invisible" "She doesn't even know who i am..." "And that's why you wanna win the race?" "Yeah.." "I have to win the race..." "No you don't mate..." "There are others ways of getting a girl to notice ya..." "And if that fails...we'll go to Plan-B..." "So what's Plan-A?" "was conceived to love songs... she'll forgive you if she likes the words..." "Uncle Kev..." "Can you teach me a love song?" "Hi Honey..." "I'm home" "Hello Darling..." "We need to have a serious talk.." "Look what i found in your son's closet when i was cleaning up today.." "Well...." "What do you think we ought to do?" "Well i don't think we should spank him..." "# What's going on..." "# I'm starting to change..." "# I get Butterfly's..." "# When they mention your name..." "# I pant like a Puppy..." "# When i see your face..." "# I got girl germs..." "# I stammer and stutter..." "# When i try to speak..." "# When you smile at me..." "# I go weak at the knee's" "Christ..." "# I hope i don't pee" "# I got girl germs..." "# I worried because..." "# Me Dick will drop off..." "# And i'll grow me a full...set of Tits..." "# And wear frilly knickers..." "# And make-up and stuff..." "# And i'll have to sit down..to piss..." "# What can i do..." "# Will this feeling go away..." "# Sorta hoping it does..." "# Sorta hoping it stays..." "# Uncle Kev say's..." "# I need to get laid..." "# I got girl germs..." "Oh Kevin what are gonna do?" "I don't know love surely the Bank will give us a fucking extension" "What.." "An extension on an extension.." "Well why not!" "We've been doing business with those bastard's for near on 10 years.." "It's the least they can do..." "Oh i hope your right Kev..." "Hello Uncle Kev..." "G'day mate..." "How'd it go?" "Oh..." "Fuck..." "Well not everybody's got an ear for music..." "We'll just have to try something else..." "Bu.." "But she doesn't like me Uncle Kevin... she's a woman..." "She's just a bit confused in her head..." "Watch it Kevin..." "Well w..what i'm saying is that they're not like normal people..." "And they need lot's of proof that your not a loser..." "So how do we do that?" "Err.." "Be a winner" "Exactly..." "Well there it is mate..." "Superstition Hill..." "And it's not for Pussies..." "Imagine.." "Your Crown Jewels are gonna be dangling no more that 5 inches from the ground..." "It's like a bloody Cheese Grater at that speed..." "I've seen many a Genital torn to shreds..." "An they were the bloody lucky ones..." "The other's...well..." "But then again...i think superstition's got bugger all to do with it!" "It's all about the bloody training..." "Now you move into 5th position..." "Short worm shows balls to sun"..." "Come on..." "Faster...." "Put some bloody effort into it..." "Those leg's have got to be like steel fuckin' springs..." "Here we go..." "Forgive me for asking but..." "Shouldn't Little Johnny at least have a go in a real Billy-Cart?" "Ah shit yeah...obviously he's got to pass this test first..." "So..." "What do ya reckon?" "What a piece of junk!" "she may not look like much but..." "she's got it where it counts kid.." "She's a bloody marvel of engeneering..." "Probarbly the fastest Downhill Racer ever built..." "She's smashed all but 2 records around the country" "Ball Bearing Hubs..." "Geared differential..." "And about 40 pounds of ballast to speed things up..." "So Johnny..." "You ready?" "I'm ready..." "Hang on..." "Wow..." "Thrilling... so it needs a bit of oil..." "Aarrgghh.." "Me fuckin' thumb..." "He's ready..." " Really..." " Yep..." "Ready as he'll ever be.." "I know i'm not perfect" "But if you can let me win the Billy-Cart Derby and get the money i need" "I'll be able to buy the Super Deluxe Dragster Bicycle" "And then maybe..just maybe a certain person won't think i'm a loser" "And then she can be my girlfiend... er even maybe a race sometimes would you help me win the race" "And beat that Boof-head Jason..." "That would be gratefully appreciated" "Hey and if it's not too much to ask..." "Can you smack him in the Nut's while your at it" "These are for you Rog.." "So you won't miss anything... no one has ever done anything that nice for me before" "Well..." "What are best friend's for..." "Errm.." "I don't want to state the obvious but.." "You do actually need a Billy-Cart to win a Billy-Cart race" "It doesn't matter Rog" "I'll never be able to beat them anyway in that rusty old thing Uncle Kevin has..." "These guy's are professionals hang on..." "Put a lid on that sort of talk young-un..." "Sorry i'm a little bit late..." "I had a case of the shits..." "So..." "What do you think?" "i love it Uncle Kev..." "And..." "This from your Auntie Mavis.." "Thanks Auntie Mavis... if things go to pieces out there!" "And if the shit hits the fan..." "Use the "F-O Lever"..." "What is it?" "Just a little invention i cooked up..." "Only use in emergencies" "Got it?" "Yep.." "Got it..." "Now go win that bloody race kid" "Well here we are Ladies and Gentlemen.." "At the infamous Superstition Hill" "For the Gallangatta Billy-Cart Derby... has grown to be watched by thousands across the Nation" "The atmosphere here is electric who have turned out to watch what promises to be bone-crunching extravaganza" "Father O'Flarity.." "Thank you Howard..." "Now i'd like to introduce some of our competitors before the race... we have Boris..." "I see your sitting on some sort of Un-Holy Atom Bomb type Rocket-Cart" "You think it will help your chances?" "Dar..." "It will blow my competition away" "So.." "Does the Red Threat have what it takes?" "I guess we'll just have to wait and see..." "And who do we have here?" "Mustafa..." "And his Flying Carpet.." "Are you confident that your wonderfully hand woven plush pile rug will see you through to victory?" "Glory be to Allah!" "For he will fly me to the finish line..." "Jason..." "You are odds on favourite to win this year.." "So tell me..." "Are you feeling the pressure as reigning Champ to make it 2 wins in a row?" "3 actually Father..." "You see the thing about this competition is..." "there is no competition.." "with confidence like that who needs luck?" "Mrs.Quiggly" "I understand you have competed in every race since it's humble begining's" "But have never actually run a place..." "Yes.." "That's true for my beloved Terrier..." "You see Toto is very ill indeed and the Vet bills are more than i can afford.." "Seeing as i'm a pensioner..and a Widow" "I'm sure our viewers hearts will be with you..." "Good luck and God Bless i'm wondering if our next racer Mickey Ramone is feeling the heat?" "she's laying on the dying Pooch coupe like it's friggin'" "I'm not fallin' for it..." "If she get's in my way.." "You get whacked..." "I'm in this to win..." "See me in Confession it seems there's enough rivalry to go around." "Last but not least we have a young lad in what i believe is his first race.." "So tell me Little Johnny.." "Are you confident of a big win?" "Yep... on this Friday the 13th and are you a superstitious man at all?" "i couldn't care less.." "Well that's the spirit.." "God Bless ya son..." "A wave of excitment has gripped the crowd as the clock ticks down to the main event.." "It has been said that the Billy-Cart Derby is as much a mental challenge as it is physical.." "Do you think your nephew has what it takes he's a smart boy alright... If there were 3 bird's on a fence and you shot 1.." "How many would be left?" "None" "Oohh..." "Goodness... the others all flew away" "The answer is 2" But it shows you were thinking... If there were 3 ladies sitting on a park bench eating Ice Pops" "One is licking her's and the other is sucking her's" "Which one is married?" ""the one that was sucking on it no it was the one with the wedding ring" "It shows you were thinking thank you Father for that insight.." "the racers prepare for the big moment" "As Father O'Flarity offers a final blessing on this Friday the 13th on Superstition Hill" "the moment we've all been waiting for" "The 1967 Gallangatta Billy-Cart Derby" "Mustafa has taken to the air..." "What an unbelievable sight..." "Holy fuuuuuck...." "Forget it you old bag..." "Go back to your nursing home..." "You and your Little Toto too..." "It seems that a little disagreement between Mrs.Quiggly and the carry over Champ" "The tension going into fever pitch and getting the better of them" "Come on mate..you can do it..." "Come on Johnny..." "Jesus Christ... one of our competitors has become.." "Bogged Down!" "I have absolutely nothing to add..." "Get out of my way you filthy little scallywag..." "That money is mine..." " Back off she..." " No spoilt little rich punks getting it" "Not over my stinking..dead..body... you can fucking do it..." "Settle down Kev.." "You have to watch your blood pressure" "It's only a race for God's sakes..." "You are..finished..." "Fuck-head... mother-fucker..." "You..are..finished...." "Only use in emergencies"..." "Holy shit...." "Shoot me..." "Shoot me..." "Shoot me..." "Johnny..." "Johnny... he'll be disqualified" "Can he do it?" "..." "Can he..." "He can..." "He can..." "Little Johnny has gone on to win the race an unbelievable..." " Johnny..." " Fuckin' beauty.." "Good on ya young un..." "Did i know it'll not be forgotten for generations to come" "he's a bloody Champion..." "And he always makes me laugh.." "we were sitting on the fence watching a Bull with 2 Cows..." "And i asked him what it was up to he says..." "I'm watching the Black Bull fuck the Black Cow Uncle Kev... the Bull was surprising the Black Cow the Missis said to Little Johnny she says..." ""So Johnny did the Bull suprisse the Black cow today?"" "he fucked the White one" "Kevin..." "Thanks Uncle Kevin..." "I couldn't of done it without ya" "Your welcome mate... but ya got a bloody big heart..." "You little shits...get outta my way That's my money... monumental victory here today..." "You have shown tremendous courage and will undoubtedbly become an inspiration for Down-hill Racers around the world..." "Is there anything you would like to say to your fan's out here today?" "Yep.." "Goin'!" "..." "Why you little" "I'll take it... she's a wonderful bike" "Would you like it boxed?" "Or do you want to ride it home?" "Ride thanks..." "Watch it Dick-head..." "Ah fuck off..." "Uncle Kevin... it's the last one" "Rare as Hens Teeth they are.." "There's nothing else i can do for you Mr.Wilson good-day... i'm..i'm not asking for any favours here just a little bit more time.." "Time did you say?" ".." "Yes if only we as mere mortals could control something as dreary as time.." "so i won't..thank you 48 Hours" "Al-alright 24 just..just look the other way for a little bit" "I'm afraid the balance must be paid today in full or we will for-close on your property" "So that's it huh!" "..." "I'm gonna loose every fuckin' thing i worked for and all for a pissy little 30 Dollars.." "30 Dollars or a 1000 to the Bank makes no difference.." "Well mate it makes a big bloody difference to me.." "not a Charity.." "Fair-go now if you don't mind" "Don't mind...don't mind..." "Ya fuckwitt" "There's no need for language like that sir... i haven't even fuckin' started on you yet..." "Right..." "Help... what's it take to save me fuckin' farm?" "30 Dollars..." "Uncle Kevin..." "Yeah mate.." "Here's your 30 Bucks.." "Thank you young man..." "Happy counting Mister" "Hey thanks mate.." "you know i'll make it up to ya you already have!" "Really!" "..." "How's that?" "You know something Johnny.." "You got a bloody good head on your shoulders" "Did i ever tell you that?" "Aaww thanks Uncle Kev" "Hey guy's..." "wait for me did you get the bicycle?" "Nah..." "Grew out of it" "I know you and Mary are like an item and all and.." "well a..a big problem with me in my heart..we'll see this thing through!" "can i still hang out with you guys?" "Course you can Rog..." "Oh great..." "Were mates..." "Of course" "So what became of Little Johnny?" "Did he find success?" "Or failure?" "It doesn't really matter" "Little Johnny has become part of folk-law" "A Legend..." "And as we all know..." "Legend's never ever die... can i ask you something?" "Of course Johnny..." "What is it?" "is that alright?" "i don't see why not!" "But there's a few thing's to sort out" "Like..err where will you live?" "Well i figured i could just move into Mary's room!" "It's big enough for the both of us easily.." "how will you support her?" "Well we'll eat here..." "I get a Dollar a-week allowance and so does she.." "I got a bit saved up..." "That should be enough" "Alright and what if any little one's come along?" "we've been lucky so far!" "Why's that funny Uncle Kev?"