"Shawn, I didn't know you got Chinese food." "Lo mein." "My favorite." "Marlon, have you seen my bait?" "All right." "Cut and print!" "Beautiful, guys." "Dynamite!" "That..." "The customer ordered this bacon extra crispy." "Does this look extra crispy to you?" "No, it's not extra crispy." "Watch your language." "I'm still the boss around here." "Here you go, slick." "Excuse me, I believe I ordered these scrambled." "Let me take care of that for you." " Here you go." " That's much better." "Thanks." "We aim to please, brother." "What's up, Pop?" "I'm sorry." "You got to take over." "I got to go home." "What's wrong?" "Your mama and Aunt Lucille had a big fight again." "What are those two big-boned women fighting about now?" "I don't know." "Your Aunt Lucille said that you were a deadbeat son." "Your mama said she looked like Barry White." "Really got kind of nasty after that." "You don't wanna get involved with that." "Let them have their catfight." "Tell them you're working." "It's not that easy, son." "Let me tell you something about marriage." "It ain't all romance and champagne, and bang-bang." "Sometimes you got to be tender, holding their hand, lending an ear... sitting on your mama's stomach so she can zip up her pants." "Damn, Pop, you changed." "When we were kids, you never listened to Mom." "You'd just sit on the couch in your underwear, drinking beer." " Yeah, you were my hero." " Yeah?" "Remember that time Mom won a VCR, and you put your foot down?" "You said:" ""Forget about a VHS because Betamax is the future."" "Then we'd go to the video store and there'd be nothing to rent." "But it was all good." "You know why, Pop?" "Because you were the boss." "Yeah, those were the days." "I miss the old Pop." "You're right." "What's become of me?" "What am I gonna do?" "No, you getting soft, Pop." " You know, I was reading this book." " You reading a book?" "And in the book it says that women like a man to take control." "To take charge." "They like a real man, Pop." "You're right." "You know what I gotta do?" "I gotta go home and tell your mama that I am the man." "That's right, go in there and take charge!" "You're the man!" "Who does she think she is anyway?" "Telling me to stop what I'm doing and come home and play nursemaid?" "Comes talking about:" ""Aunt Lucille said that Marlon was a deadbeat."" "So?" "Get over it, woman." "I have." "Damn, Pop!" "What did I do with my damn coat?" "No, it's not in the closet." " What's up, baby boy?" " What's up, Shawny?" "Chilling, man." " Good news." " What's up?" "Lisa's girlfriend, Kim, broke up with her boyfriend." " And she's coming to our party on Friday." " Word?" "You talking about Kim, Kim with the baby hair?" " Yeah." " Man, this is phat." "I love a girl that just broke up with a man." "They feel lonely and desperate." "And then they lower their standards." "And that's where I come in." "Smooth talk." "You don't know nothing about women, do you?" "What are you talking about?" "I just fixed Mom and Pop's marriage, for your information." "What did you do?" "Hi, Shawn." "Marlon, you take over." "I'm gonna go and set your Mama straight." " I'll tell her who's the boss." " Yeah!" " And it isn't Tony Danza." " Wait." "Hold on, Pop." "Don't go in there like that." "Don't do that." "You'll just make her mad." "You got to treat women as an equal." "No, you do not." "You might have my pretty looks, but obviously Marlon's got my brains." "From now on, the old Pops is back." "I'll tell your mama there's a new sheriff's in town." "He's a bad mamma jamma." "Go on, Pop!" "Hello." "No, it's okay." "He's gone now." "I can talk in my regular voice." "Here we go." "More moola, baby!" "Seven." "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven." "Boardwalk, baby." "I'm buying it." "Excuse me, Weezy." "I already own it." "You owe me §120." "Damn!" "Don't touch anything." "Pop." "What's going on?" "What are you doing?" "I stopped by to tell you how things went with Mama and me." "You told Mama you were the boss, right?" " I was a sight to behold." " Yeah." "I marched right in there, looked at her in that good eye... and said, "Woman, from now on, we're going back to the old way." ""I'm the man of this house." "I bring home the bacon." ""Now go in the kitchen and fry me some fish!"" "Yeah, Pop." "That's how you do them, baby." "And what did Mom say?" "I don't remember." "When I came to, some stranger was helping me on the bus." "Pop, what are you doing?" "What does it look like I'm doing?" "Spending the night." "No, Pops, I told you not to listen to Marlon." "Don't blame me." "It says right here in the book that this shouldn't happen." "What book?" "Give me that." "'"How To Get Women To Sing To Your Tune. '"" "Who wrote this, Ike Turner?" " Man, you got problems." " That's why I got the book." "It's got pictures of naked women, too." "You two stop squabbling." "Pops is in the house." "This is going to be great." "Just the three of us." "It'll be like that summer that Ma took Aunt Lucille to Happy Town... because she was hearing those voices." "Remember?" "Pop, this is not good, man." "You should be at home with Mom, working things out." "If I go back with your mama, I'll be in Happy Town." "Pops, relationships is all about problem solving." "Marlon, you were right." "We're gonna have a lot of fun." "We're gonna stay up late and watch Merv Griffin." "Pop, Merv Griffin's been canceled for years." "The point is, we're gonna have a whole lot of fun all night long." " How long, Pop?" " All night long." "All night long." "Is it just my watch or is it only 9:30?" "No, 9:30 seemed so much later when we were kids." " Let's just watch some TV." " Cool." "A Jamie Lee Curtis movie." "Wonder how long it will be before she shows her..." "There they go." "I can't sleep with all this racket in here." "Is that a Jamie Lee Curtis movie?" "Too bad I've got to get up early." " Night, boys." " Wait a minute." "I don't want to go to bed yet." "You're the one gave Pops the great advice." "Now shut up and go to bed." "You ain't sleeping with me wearing that." "Look, first of all, I'm not sleeping with you." "I'm just sleeping in the same bed as you." "Let's get that straight right now." "Besides, this is how I always sleep." "Until I get hot." "If you get hot near me, you ain't ever waking up." "Fool yourself if you want to." "Damn, your ass is freezing." "Get off me and shut up." " You tell me to shut up?" "You shut up." " You shut up." " You shut up!" " Both of you, shut up in there!" " Sorry, Pops." " That was Shawn talking, Pops!" "Okay, all right." "Payback." " Good night, Shawn." " Go to hell." "What're you trying to do?" "Give me brain damage?" "Too late." "I've been doing that since you were 5 years old." " It ain't funny." "You think you're funny?" " I want it quiet in there!" "Don't make me get up!" "If you can get up, greasy old man." ""Don't make me get up!"" "He's real tough for a guy that got kicked in the head... by a lady wearing bunny slippers." "Look at me, Shawn." "I'm Pops." ""Woman, there's a new sheriff in town, and he's a bad mamma jamma."" "Bang, bang!" "I'm Mom." "Here's a concussion." "You're gonna die!" "Don't make me get my belt!" "Sorry, Pops." "Good night, Papa." "Good night, Father." " You are a suck up." " You a suck up. "Papa."" "Good night, Marlon." "Good night, Shawn." "Are you asleep?" "You're gonna die!" " You're gonna die!" " All right, that's it!" "All right, then." "You're gonna die!" "Come here!" "Don't do this, Daddy!" "You're gonna die!" "It's 6:15." "Where's your brother?" "It's the third night he's been late for supper." " I got home early today." " Good boy, Marlon." "Where have you been?" "Lollygagging?" "You're half an hour late." "Now just wash up for supper." "I told you, Pop." "I'm not eating dinner." "I'm going out with Lisa." "This is family night." "You ain't going nowhere." "You better call your little friend and tell her you can't make it." "You know every Wednesday night is always family night." "What do you mean "always family night"?" "He's only been here three days." "Just seems like a freaking year." "All right." "Come on." "Let's eat, everybody." "Marlon, you washed your hands?" " Yes, Pop." " Let me see." "Turn them over." " Good job, Marlon." " Thanks, Pop." "Let's just hurry up and eat, please." "This is a Christian house, boy." "Christians eat, too." "Look how big Al Sharpton is." "Bow your heads." "Father, we thank you for blessing us with this bounty." "Thank you for the peas, Father." "Thank you for the chicken." "Thank you for the stovetop stuffing." "And, Father, thank you for giving us healthy teeth to eat all this good food." "Amen." "Who's that calling during dinner?" "Better not be one of your friends." " I don't have any friends, Pop." " Good boy, Marlon." "Hello." "Just hold on." "It's your mama." "I'm gonna take it in the other room." "Thank God." "Now maybe he'll go home." "Come on, Shawn, it ain't been that bad." "Oh, no?" "He treats us like we're 5 years old." "He makes us make our own bed, times our phone calls." "Last night, I didn't get dessert because I didn't finish my broccoli." "Why don't you just do what I do?" "Put the broccoli in your pocket." "Didn't know a thing." "You just don't get it, do you?" "We shouldn't have to go through this." "We're grown men." "You believe last night he gave me a curfew?" "Well, you were out till 11:00." "I think 10:30 is very fair." "We'll see how fair you think it is tomorrow night at our party... when you're sitting with Kim, and Pop is sitting between you watching Matlock." "You right." "We gotta get that old man out of here before that party tomorrow night." "I told you your mother would call the Mack." "Player!" "So you're going home?" "Hell, no." "Your mama wants me back, but not on my terms." "So I'll stay here a little longer and let her stew in her juices." "What exactly are your terms, Pop?" "Yeah, and what exactly are her juices?" "My terms are simple." "First, she's gotta say the words:" ""You are the king."" "After that, I really don't care what she does." " When are you leaving?" " I don't know." "I don't care." " I may never leave." " Never?" "Never." "So let the party begin." "Man, this is messed up." "This is supposed to be our party." "Pops promised me he's gonna stay in his room." "Don't worry about him." "Nobody's going to notice him." "I can't believe Kim and Lisa are dancing with him." "I can't believe he invited Benny." "Would you look at Pops?" "He's ruining our party." "Maybe if he keeps dancing he'll have a stroke... and we can put him out on a fire escape." "That's a good idea." "Go, Pops!" "Happy birthday!" " Have a stroke now!" "Go, Pops!" " Boys, great funky party!" "I forgot how it was to just whoop it up and partee." "Pops, come on." "People are looking at you." "Chill." "It's been that way since I was five, son." "I stand out in the crowd." "People get jealous of me." "Shawn, look." "Baby Hair Kim is all alone." "I'm going to step to her." "How do I look?" "Like a genetic experiment gone wrong." "Yeah, but how's the hair, though?" " Like a perm went bad." " All right." "Watch the stroll, boy." " Lean back." " Gangster lean." "There you go." "Bring it." "Kim, how you doing?" " You look good, Kim." " Thank you." "Did you hear?" "I broke up with my boyfriend." "No." "You little..." "Come here, baby." "You must feel so lonely... and depressed, and soft." "I never knew you were so sensitive." "Why did I set my standards so high?" "Welcome to my world." "Sexy, how come you've been ignoring me all night?" "I was dancing with your father." "I want you to dance with me." "Who turned the music down?" "That's a picture of Marlon on a pony." "Look at that face." "So cute." "That's before he stepped off the saddle and the horse dragged him by his foot... through 3 miles of cow poop." "That is funny." "Here's a picture of him afterwards." "Look at this." "Boy, he stank." "I'm talking about funky." "I made him sleep outside for a week." "That is funny!" "Kim, I don't smell like that no more." " That's okay, I think it's cute." " You do?" "I stepped on some horse manure earlier." "Look at this." "This is a picture of Shawn when his mother and I lost him at Macy's." "Look at him." "He's so scared, he peed in his pants." "That ain't funny." "Here's a picture of both of them dancing." "They did this dance they called the underpants dance." "They would put old drawers on their head and dance around like little Indians, like..." "Wait." "I want to see this." "When he has the stroke, just promise me I get to pull the plug." "You got it." "You know what I wish I had a picture of?" "These two used to do a musical act called the Williams Two." "Pops, come on, chill." "The Jacksons were making money." "I said to myself, "Wait a minute." ""Maybe I can make some of this paper."" "The Jacksons didn't have half the talent my boys had." "Of course, they had more boys." "Shawn, you never told me this." "Do you all want a little sample?" " Come on, Pop." " Do it." "Give them a taste." " No, we're not doing it, Pop." " Shawn, please, for me?" "Absolutely, positively not." "Marlon, I would love to see you do that." "You would?" "Sell it, boys." "Sell it!" "Thank you." "See that." "I could be living like a king in Encino, just like Joe Jackson." "Girl, I sure wish you could stay." "Don't worry, Shawn." "We'll be together again." "Your father can't live forever." "You're so funny." "You're a regular Eddie Murphy." " I'll see you later on." " Good night." "Bye, sweetheart." "Get home safe." "Man, this was the longest night of my life." "I can't believe you let me do Rockin'Robin in front of Kim." "I can't believe I live with you or Pops." "Don't blame me, blame him." "It's his fault." "No, it's my fault." "I'm gonna take care of this right now." " Yo, Pops!" " Pop!" "Look, Pops, you know I love you, man, but you can't stay here anymore." "I can't live like this, G." "This is my apartment." "This is my life." "And I want it back." "Yeah, me, too!" "I suggest if you have any problems with Mom, you go over there... and work it out like a man, instead of staying here... and bossing little me and Marlon around like we're some 5-year-olds." "Yeah, because we're a lot older than that!" "What do you have to say about that?" "Good speech, son." "Pop, that was all Shawn's opinion." "I had nothing to do with that." "I love you and I want you to stay forever." "Marlon, stop being a suck up." "Learn to be a man, like your brother." " Made a lot of sense, son." " I did?" " I told him everything to say, Pop." " Shut up." "You know, you're right." "You're a man." "It's high time I recognize it." " Thanks, Pop." " That's right." " We're all grown-up men." " Me, too?" "Now, if you two will excuse me..." "I'm gonna take some of this fine advice you've given me..." "I'm going to go home, and grovel at your mother's big flapping feet." " Great party, Marlon." " Kim?" "Thanks for the book, Marlon." "No." "That isn't the way it goes." "It ain't "tweet, tweet, tweet," kick." "It's kick, "tweet, tweet, tweet." Come on." "You haven't got right!" "What's wrong with you?" "Get out of here!" "Tito!" "Get your butt down here!" "Michael, leave that monkey alone and get on over here!" "Look up, Marlon." "Say cheese!" "English"