"[welcome to Couer d'Couers]" "At this very moment in the town of Couer d'Couers" "Young Ned was 9 years,27 weeks, 6 days and 3 minutes old." "His dog Digby was 3 years,2 weeks, 6 days,5 hours,and 9 minutes old." "And not a minute older." "This was the moment young Ned realized he wasn't like the other children." "Nor was he like anyone else for that matter." "Young Ned could touch dead things and bring them back to life." "This touch was a gift given to him, but not by anyone in particular." "There was no box,no instructions, no manufacturers warantee." "It just was." "The terms of use weren't immediately clear," "Nor were they of immediate concern." "Yound Ned was in love..." "Her name was Chuck." "At this very moment she was 8 years 42 weeks 3 hours and 2 minutes old." "Young Ned did not think of her as being born or hatched or conceived in anyway." "Chuck came ready-made from the Play-Doh fun factory of life." "In their imaginations,yound Ned and the girl named Chuck conquered the world." "Long after their play date was over, young Ned remained under Chuck's spell." "Until a blood vessel in his mother's brain burst,killing her instantly." "Must have slipped." "Clumsy." "Did the timer go off ?" "Young Ned's random gift that was, came with a caveat or too." "It was a gift that not only gave but took." "Young Ned discovered he could only bring the dead back to life for one minute without consequences." "Any longer and someone else had to die." "In the grand universal scheme of things, young Ned traded his mother's life for Chuck's father's." "Come on big daddy,into bed." "But there was one more thing about touching dead things that young Ned didn't know." "And he learned it in the most unfortunate way." "First touch :" "life." "Second touch : dead again,forever." "He maketh me to lie down in green pastures." "After a brief mourning period," "Young Ned's father would hustle him off to boarding school." "Never to be seen again." "Chuck would be fostered by aunts Lily and Vivian," "A renowned synchronized swimming duo." "They shared matching personality disorders and a love for fine cheese." "At their respective parent's funerals" "Dizzy with grief,curiosity and hormones ;" "young Ned and the girl named Chuck, had their first and only kiss." "After his mother's death, Ned avoided social attachments, fearing what he'd do if someone else he loved died." "And he became obsessed with pies." "It's 19 years 34 weeks 1 day and 59 minutes later," "Heretofore known as now." "Young Ned has become the pie-maker." "And this is where he makes his pies." "[xxxxx]" "The peaches never brown, the dead fruit in his hand becomes ripe with everlasting flavor as long as he only touches it once." "Every day I come in,I pick a pie," "I concentrate all my love on that pie, if I love it,someone else is gonna love it,and you know what ?" "By the end of the day," "I've sold more of those pies than any other pie in the bakery." " Yeah ?" "What pie do you love today ?" " Rhubarb." "I'll stick with three plum,a la mode." "Emerson Cod was the sole keeper of the pie-maker's secret." "And this is how he came to be the sole keeper of the pie-maker's secret." "A private investigator, Mr. Cod met the pie-maker when his Pie Hole was on the verge of financial ruin." "Mr. Cod proposed a partnership." "Murders are much easier to solve when you can ask the victim who killed them." "The pie-maker reluctantly agreed." "I ask you not to use the word zombie, it's disrespectful." "Stumbling around,squawking for brain, that's not how they do." "An undead,nobody wants to be un-anything," "Why begin to state more of the negative ?" "It's like saying :" "I don't disagree." "Just say you agree." "Are you confortable with living dead ?" "You're either living or you're dead." "When you're living your life when you're dead, that's what you are but when you're dead and then you're not,you're alive again." "Can't we say alive again ?" "Didn't that sound nice ?" "It sounds like you are a narcoleptic." "I suffer from sudden uncontrolable attacks of deep sleep ?" " What's the other one ?" " Necrophiliac ?" "All these sound alike, get mixed up in my head." "Me too." "I used to think masturbation meant chewing your food." "I don't think that anymore." "Can you lock the door behind you ?" "So you want in on this opportunity or not ?" "A dog is involved." " What kind of dog ?" " It's gonna be a dead dog." "A dead dog named Cantaloupe." "They're putting her down." "Allegedly killed her owner." " When you say allegedly..." " Cantaloupe was framed." "Someone put a part of the victim in her mouth." "Docile as a kitten,says the family." "Despite it being a Chow,the breed most likely to turn on its owner." "That's racial profiling." "Look here." "If the dog is innocent, then it's murder." "And if it's murder, then there's a reward." "The facts were these :" "one Leonard Gaswint 39 years,42 weeks,5 days, 3 hours and 26 minutes old, was found mauled to death in his home office." "His dog Cantaloupe was the sole witness and only suspect in the murder." "Convinced of her innocence, the Gaswint family offered a significant reward to find the real killer." "You're the dog expert ?" "Already had a dog expert." "I'm the other one." "How does he look ?" "Fine,but my threshold's pretty high, so you have to take what I say with a grain of salt." "That ain't a grain of salt." "that's one of them blocks they give cows to lick." "He can't help how he is." "That don't make it any less dramatic." " For who ?" " Me." "And I'm sure him,but mainly me." "I'm gonna wait outside." " Hello." " Hi." "Sorry to disturb you Mr. Gaswint or Leonard," " do you prefer" " Leo !" "Your current condition..." "Do I have something right here ?" "There's nothing right there." " Damn dog." " Cantaloupe ?" "No,Cantaloupe is docile as a kitten." "It's that Rottweiler, my secretary sicked her dog on me." "She's been upset since last year's Christmas party." "You know,it's a funny story..." "Was it the Chow ?" "The secretary... with her Rottweiler." "Her good name cleared and her execution stayed," "Cantaloupe was freed." "And the secretary and her Rottweiler were hauled to justice." "An anonymous tip led to solving the murder of a Michigan entrepreneur thought to be mauled to death by a family pet." "The truth however is much more sinister." "Olive Snook enjoyed her time with Digby." "He was a surrogate for the human connection she wanted with the pie-maker." "Her desperate attempts to connect to someone so disconnected terrified him." "But that didn't stop her from trying." "How was your convention ?" "Conventional." "How is Digby ?" "Neurotic." "He's a very needy dog." "Do you pet him ?" "Maybe if you pet him once in a while, he wouldn't be so neurotic." "I pet him,I'm allergic so I can't actually touch him but I pet him." "With a stick ?" "How do you pet him ?" "A stick is involved but it's more like a handle to a... petting device." "A dog needs to be touched." "We all need to be touched." "You touch him." "Other people touch him." "He's your dog." "Do you  touch anything ?" "Of course,I..." "I touch lots of things." "With affection." "When was the last time someone touched you with affection ?" "I get touched..." "Can you get Digby's leash now ?" "You don't mind that I don't touch you,do you ?" "And then came the event that changed everything." "In other news... the body of a young woman allegedly murdered aboard a cruise ship has been recovered from the sea." "The victim's identity is being withheld..." "The pie-maker listened intently to the news, unaware that he stopped breathing." "He was haunted by the name of this woman who met her end on the high seas." "Oh,my... here's your leash." "But he didn't know why..." "Her name is still withheld, very little is known of the victim who was reportedly travelling alone when murdered aboard a passenger ship that was returning from a tropical cruise sailing between the United States and Tahiti." "The ship's captain initially dismissed the death as an accident, suggesting the victim likely returned from a late night out... hurt herself retrieving ice." "Been watching the news lately ?" "Doesn't seem like much going on in the world besides a dead girl on a boat." "I'd going on with that dead girl." "Is that so ?" "50000 $ worth of "that's so"." " You're interested in a conversation ?" " Yeah,I could be persuaded." "Well,you better be persuaded quick as the dead girl's about to go into ground." "They just put her out of the water." "Jewish." "Christians leave them laying around, Jews got to get them buried." " Where're we going ?" " Couer d' Couers." " You ever been there ?" " I grew up there." "Sort of..." "This dead girl from Couer d' Couers, does she have a name ?" "Charlotte Charles..." "Chuck..." "The pie-maker never returned to Couer d'Couers after being sent away to school." "But he thought of Chuck everyday." " You know this girl ?" " I know of her." "Know of her in the biblical sense ?" "I haven't thought of her since I was 10." "Think of her a lot when you were 10 ?" "Don't remember anything when I was 10." "The pie-maker remembers everything." "The facts were these..." "Charlotte Charles,28 years,24 weeks, 3 days,11 hours and 51 minutes old was found floating in the ocean moments after her body was discarded there." "Discarded by whom seemed to be a question only Charlotte Charles could answer." "The funeral director, always eager to supplement his income," "Gentlemen." "was more than happy to grant the deceased an audience." "I just wanna..." "I wanna..." "Can I do this one alone ?" "On account of... you know..." "the whole historical context of..." "You have something personal you need to say ?" "No..." "OK,maybe." "But I've nothing to gain but a small amount of closure." "What you got so open it needs closure ?" "Just wanna say I'm sorry for something, one of those stupid things kids do, they don't know they're doing." "Yeah,well, you ask who killed her first." " OK." " You only got a minute." " I know." " 60 seconds." " I know." " All right." "Only Prince Charming could know how the pie-maker felt upon looking at her." "Great thought was taken as to where to touch her." "The lip's too forward." "The cheek..." "The cheek." " Chuck,wait !" " Who are you ?" "You remember the little boy who lived next door to you when your dad died ?" "Ned ?" "Oh,my God !" "Hey,how are you ?" "Good,you look great." "You know what's happening right now ?" "I had the strangest dream,I was being strangled to death with a plastic sack." "You were strangled to death with a plastic sack." "That's probably an odd thing to hear but I wasn't quite sure how to sugar-coat it." "You only have a minute..." "less." "What can I do in less than a minute ?" "You could tell me who killed you, so... you know,justice can be served." "Well,that's really sweet but I don't know who killed me." "I went to go to get ice and I dropped my room key in the icemaker,as I was thinking, ... "That was dumb"." " She was thinking,"That was dumb"," "Chuck was strangled to death with a plastic sack." "And then you touched my cheek." " What's going on ?" " Just a second !" " Is my time up ?" " I'm sorry." "Well... thanks for calling me Chuck." "Do you know,nobody's called me Chuck since  since you." "And I used to, when I lived next door to you..." "I had a cr..." "I was in..." "You were my first kiss." "Yeah ?" "You were my first kiss too." "You wanna be my last kiss ?" "First and last ?" "Is that weird ?" "That's not weird." "It's magical." "Chuck's minute of life was nearly over." "The pie-maker's lips went as far as they would go." "He couldn't will them to go any further." "And as a consequence  the funeral director would go no further." "Hey,if you don't wanna kiss me, it's OK." "I just thought it might be..." "No,I want to,I do,I..." "What if you didn't have to... be dead." "Well,that would be preferable." "Nobody can know." "Hop in !" "I got to think of a way to get you out of here." "Can you lie really still, until I get back ?" "Doesn't know." "Didn't know." "So somebody just threw her carcass overboard." " Why're you sweating ?" " I'm..." "It's warm in there." "What ?" " Your eye's twitching." " My eye ?" "You eye is twitching." "When people aren't being honest, their eye twitches." "Right there." "Like yours did just now." "It's nerves." "Aggravated by a stomach thing." "It's like acid reflux but in my eye." "I think I'm gonna stay for the service." "Is that so ?" "Just feeling nostalgic." "Do you remember how to get back to the station ?" "It's down the..." "I'll catch you later boss." "Lying in the dark,Chuck considered how she came to be lying in the dark." "She considered the life that was with aunts Lily and Vivian." "Their personality disorders blossomed into incapacitating social phobia." "Which made it difficult for them to leave the house." "Which in turn made it difficult for Chuck to leave them." "She served her community by harvesting honey for the homeless." "She never strayed far from home." "She read about people she could never be, and adventures she would never have." "Life was good enough, until one day,it wasn't." "Chuck wanted more." "But at Boutique Travel Travel Boutique, she got more than she bargained for." "Hey,I think somebody's truck's on fire." "Oh Gee !" "Sorry I'm late." "Only Sleeping Beauty could know how she felt at this moment." "I can't even hug you, what if you need a hug ?" "A hugged can turn your day around." "I'm not a fan of hug." "Then you haven't been hug properly, it's like an emotional Heimlich someone puts their arms around you and they give you a squeeze and..." "All your fear and anxiety come shooting out of your mouth in a big wet wad and you can breathe again." "That's fine for someone else to do if I'm choking on something other than emotion but you can't touch me." "So a kiss is out of the question ?" "I've lost my train of thought." "How long have you been thinking about this ?" "Like thinking thinking ?" "That wasn't premeditated," "I wasn't lying in wait, more like I was musing on the idea not you know, dwelling, there were times I did dwell on you about you,a little." "But I wasn't seriously considering till the exact moment I did it or didn't do it..." "I was wondering if you'd come back." "I guess you came back when I needed you most." "Well that would have been before I was killed, but this worked out." "You understand you can't go back,right ?" "You can't see your aunts." "They'll go off their rockers without me." "Besides, they're shut-in, it's not like they talk to anybody." "People are used to this sort of thing." "Issues of morality, how come she's not dead anymore." "It'd be a disaster." "I suppose dying is as good an excuse as any to start living." "This is Digby." "Wasn't your old dog named Digby ?" "This is him." "Did you... ?" "And now is here ?" "Yeah." "You seem to do that a lot." "Why do you do that a lot ?" "It's just the two of you." "I hate to be a bad host but I'm sort of exhausted" " from chasing your coffin." " Oh yeah,of course." "I'm gonna sleep here, you take the bed,I insist." "My eyes are rolling back into my head." "I'm lying down now." "I'd kiss you but it would kill me." "28 year-old lonely tourist Charlotte Charles was laid to rest earlier today." "She is survived by her aunts, Vivian and Lili Charles," "In a strange bed, watching her own funeral on the evening news," "Chuck was strucked by the undignified nature of celebrity." "No one wants to be famous for the way they died." "Boutique Travel Travel Boutique has offered a $50,000 reward in the murder of Charlotte Charles." "Ned ?" "Would I be alive right now if I knew who killed me ?" "Of course,don't be silly, that's something in the news about the reward." "You said you wanted to know who killed me so that justice could be served." "And I don't think justice was on the menu, maybe as a side dish but not as an entree." "It's most definitely an entree." "It was a special of the day." "Can we drop the metaphore ?" "I wouldn't have known you had died if it weren't for the reward." "When were you gonna tell me ?" "In the morning,or when it came up which ever didn't come first." "$50,000,that makes a lot of pie." "25,000,I have a business partner." " What ?" "It's a business ?" " Not in the traditional sense." "You touch murdered victims, you ask who killed them, you touch them again, they go back to being dead, and then you... collect the reward ?" "That's it in a nutshell." "So you're after my reward ?" "I'm not mad at you, I just want to know..." "I'll be mad at you if you lie to me though." "I don't want your reward." "I'll be so mad if you're lying, you'll have me scratching the drapes." "I'm not lying." "Please don't attack the window treatments." "Okay,go back to sleep." "please do not leave this apt" "I'm a friend of Ned's." "Does he touch you ?" " So how was the service ?" " You know,I just paid my respects." "You weren't looking to get paid ?" "Might see a dead woman speaking to you in confidence as an opportunity to make a whole lot of money by your lonesome." " Regardless of prior arrangements." " There's no opportunity here." "Are you the business partner ?" " Yes,Ma'am." " Found her upstairs." "Doesn't she look a lot like that dead girl ?" "She looks exactly like that dead girl." "You should take that as a compliment, she was pretty." "Pie time." "Pie time ?" "I've been ruminating and by ruminating ;" "I mean pondering not chewing cud." "How about we solve my murder and collect the reward ?" "wouldn't that be poetic ?" "Certainly an anecdote." "She's supposed to be in the ground." "I thought you didn't want the reward." "No,I wanted you not to want the reward. $50,000 is a lot of money." "Three way split." "30- 30- 40 ?" "It's only fair I get more ;" "I did die for it." "I'm not a detective,I make pies." "You can't just touch somebody's life and be done with it." "Yes I can,that's how I roll." "I could do 30- 30- 40." "She's supposed to be dead." "You're supposed to be dead." " This is pushing your luck." " Yeah,well, luck pushed me first." "It's just so shockingly stupid, I have a hard time believing you did it." "You just agreed to be her partner." "I did it to profit from your stupidity." "Are you in love with her ?" "Cause it's that level of stupid..." "I'll admit to being confused, it's a very confusing time." "Childhood issues, digging in the dirt,it's all coming up." "You know what ?" "We all have childhood issues,okay ?" "Believe me, I got the full subscription,okay ?" " Horror stories." " I kinda kill her dad when I was 10." "Maybe not horror stories." "She doesn't know." "But I wanted to make it better or different in what it was because what it was was her dead and I didn't that to be my fault too." "But who died instead ?" "It's a random proximity thing." " Bitch !" "I was in proximity." " I wasn't thinking." "I wondered what happened to him." "He was a very very bad man." "He stole stuff off dead people and sold it on the internet." " It's all on the obituary." " That's nice." "The fact that he was a very very bad man makes you feel better about what you did ?" "Yes,immensely." "I would've felt horrible if it was... you for example." "I'm not proud." "You know what ?" "I'm glad you did it." "Makes the worst thing I ever did seem insignificant." "Listen to you,all judgy judge." "Judgy judge ?" "Look." "You don't know anything about this girl except she got herself killed." "I'm not who you think I am." "Who does he think you are ?" "The small town girl who never saw the world, only to have her first time out be her last." "Well,that is who I am but" "I was hoisted by my own petard." "What's the petard ?" "In my case, the petard is that Tahitian getaway was a devil's bargain." " Who's the devil ?" " Deedee Dafield." "Manager Boutique Travel Travel Boutique." "She offered me a high seas adventure at no cost." "All I had to do was pick up a package." " Are you a drug mule ?" " No." "I'm a monkey mule." "And these are the monkeys in question." "You died for a pair of plaster monkeys." "Deedee said they weren't worth much, their only value was sentimental." "Those must have been some emotional monkeys." "You should ask Deedee about all of this," "I'm very curious as what she has to say." "Boutique Travel Travel Boutique manager Deedee Dafield hoped the $50,000 reward would catch her killer before her killer caught her." "The reward failed short of achieving its desired goal." "I guess I can't be too mad at her." "Is that how they found me ?" "It's humiliating." "How long she's been here ?" "Touch the poor bitch and ask her." "I'm sort of embarrassed to do it in front of you." "Hey,Charlotte." "Hey,Deedee." "Now,had I known you'd be the first person I'd see when I got to..." "Is this..." "Which one is this ?" "This is neither." "Well,maybe it's both, but listen,this is the deal." "You get to talk for like a minute, we're gonna catch up and then you're not talking anymore." "Does everyone get to do this ?" "Cause,girl,we got to break it down." "Did you know I was gonna get killed ?" "I thought there might be the possibility, yes,I'm really sorry about that, I probably should've said something." "But to be honest,and... really why not at this point ?" "If it was safe, I would've done it myself." "God,this is fantastic." "Being honest is fun." "Ask her who killed her and you and what's with the monkeys." "Who are those people ?" "That's Emerson, I don't really know him, and this is Ned." "He was my first kiss." "You're adorable." "Look at..." "You couldn't have..." "Scooted back a little." "I didn't know she was gonna touch my cheek,who does that ?" "Actually,she does that a lot." "All right,but why would whoever killed you kill her when he already got his monkeys ?" "I dropped my key in the icemaker, he couldn't get into my room." "For Pete's sake." "This is a nightmare." "He doesn't have the monkeys." "When you get murdered on a boat, where do they send your things ?" "Your next of kin." "You stay here." "I just want to look in the window." "You can't." "You could have your pie but you can't eat it, that's the way it works." " You're making me hungry." "I was supposed to keep them sane and I left." "I'd just die if anything happened to them," "I mean I'd die... again." "We'll make sure your aunts are safe and then we'll call the police." "I wish I could give you an emotional Heimlich 'cause you could cough up that wad of fear and anxiety but I can't." "Give her a hug." "That was from me." "Aunt Vivian and Aunt Lily were all Chuck had and before Chuck all they had was each other." "While still in their teens they made a name for themselves as the" ""Darling Mermaid Darlings"." "Many,many,many years later still holding on to their fading glory as underwater artists their lives were changed forever, when Lily,while cleaning the litterbox, got dirty cat sand in her eye." "Not only did she lose her eye but the "Darling Mermaid Darlings" lost their careers." "They retreated behind a fence and made sure the world stayed on the other side." "Hello ?" "Hi,my name is Ned." "I lived next door 20 years ago." "I am... was a friend of Chuck's." "Charlotte's,rather." "Please,come in." "Please." "Charlotte was a firecracker,always trying to get us out of the house, threatening to bake antidepressants into our food." "It got to the point I was scared to eat anything she cooked." "She was a good cook and a nice girl." "Do you like girls ?" "Yes,Ma'am." "Charlotte was a nice girl." "With the exception of puberty..." "Which was unfortunately when Lily was going through a change of life." "Impolite to discuss a person's menopause in mixed company." "It nearly killed me." "Horrible,the way Charlotte died." "On a cruise..." "Lasts days spent surrounded by middle-aged overweight women who wear sweatshirts with things sewn to them." "Usually kittens made of felt,too." "Food is perfectly atrocious." "Unless she enjoyed vomiting and diarrhea," "I can't imagine she had a good last meal." "Good last meal can go a long way." "Our penal system makes a point of it." "It's nice she had a little glimpse of the world before she died." "Nah,the world isn't that great." "Well,at least she had the good sense not to fly." "Airplanes fall out of the sky every day." "Cheese." "I would recommend the pure goat with blue ash... it has a grassy flavor." "It does,I have a grassy flavor." "It's delicious with Charlotte's honey." "You haven't lived until you've tasted her honey." "The homeless love it." "Not to change the subjects but, has the cruiseline returned her belongings ?" "Specifically a stainless steel briefcase." "Chuck couldn't remember why she was so desperate to leave this life behind." "She missed her aunts, she missed her bees." "She missed everything she was." "Hello ?" "Smuggling monkeys put an end to her life." "Chuck didn't want to be remembered as the lonely tourist." "She wanted to be remembered as something sweeter." "Unaware of Lily's fate upstairs, the pie-maker did his best to comfort Vivian." "Charlotte always wanted to get away." "She got away further than any of us thought." "In a rare moment of sensitivity, he reached out and touched her." "Not realizing she didn't like being touched." "I go see if she needs any help bringing it down." "Didn't I kill you ?" "I can hold my breath for a long time." "The jig appeared to be up." "Aunt Lily was looking directly at her niece." "Her niece who wasn't supposed to be alive." "And if she possessed two good eyes..." "She would have seen her." "A rush of warmth washed over the pie-maker." "He would later describe this feeling as "delight"." "The girl he rescued from death had returned the favor." "Former "Darling Mermaid Darlings" Vivian and Lily Charles defeated a deadly home invader who may have some connection to the smuggling-related murder of their niece lonely tourist Charlotte Charles." "When asked about a "Darling Mermaid Darlings" reunion, the sisters mentioned a benefit performance to support" ""Honey for the Homeless" was in the works." "Was this really an act of kindness ?" "Me,here..." "Were you really trying to do something good for no other reason than to help me ?" "I was being selfish." "I'd love to tell myself I was being unselfish but I know deep down in my primal sweet spot" "I was being unselfish for selfish reasons." "I just thought,my world would be a better place if you were in it." "Is there anything else I should know ?" "The pie-maker wanted to tell Chuck about that fateful afternoon when he inadvertently killed her father,but instead he said :" "No." "Well I figure since they cost me my life,I should get to keep at least one." "And seeing that I wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for you..." "I want you to have the other one." "It's like those little half-heart pendants...except with monkeys." "Thank you for bringing me back to life." "You're welcome." "Oh,these are heavy..." "The monkeys value was significantly more than sentimental..." "They were golden." "The man who killed Chuck was killed by Aunt Lily." "After collecting the $50,000 reward," "Vivian and Lily had a renewed interest in the world on the other side of their fence." "They retreated from their retreat... and took the plunge." "Emerson Cod was plunged into something else altogether..." "A three-way split." "You know this whole thing is sorta like reincarnation but more immediate." "Sorta." "Do you believe in reincarnation ?" "Hell no." "The planet's falling appart." "Right now,it's the children's problem." "We reincarnate,it's our problem." " Afternoon." " You're the toxicologist ?" "Yes." "Aren't you the dog expert ?" "No." "The facts were these :" "One Matthew Miltonburger,37 years, 6 hours and 45 minutes old, was found stabbed to death in a public restroom." "Before Mr. Miltonburger could get into the specifics of his demise..." "Chuck thought it would be nice to ask :" " Hi" "Do you have any last words or thoughts or requests ?" " What ?" " Just something I never thought to ask." "As he stared at her,he reached around his back and held his own hand, pretending he was holding hers." "And at that very moment, she was pretending to be holding his."