" Hello." " Hi." "Seth?" " Yeah?" " Hey, there, it's Doug." "I'm sorry." "Doug who?" "Doug Harris." "You know, Doug Harris." ""Persian Rug Doug"? "Chili Cheese Doug"?" " "SPF 60"?" " Of course, man." "SPF 60, how are you, brother?" "It's been a long time." "I know we haven't spoken in a while but I was actually calling because I've actually got some really great news." " I'm getting married, bud." " Wow!" "That's amazing." "Congratulations." "We're very excited and, in fact, I'm doubly excited because I'm calling to see if maybe you would want to be my best man." "Wow." "I mean, this is a little bit awkward." "I feel like we're not at that level." "It feels like we don't know each other that well." "You know?" "No, I don't feel that way." "What about that..." "Seth, what about that weekend in Carlsbad Caverns?" "I mean, that was the 9th grade field trip." "The whole class went." "Can I give you the dates?" "Maybe you just want to look into it." "Are you still there, Seth?" "I don't know what to say, Doug." "I mean, I didn't invite you to my wedding." "That's okay." "That's okay." "Yeah, you can't invite everyone that you want to." "Actually, we did invite everyone we wanted to." "We had, like, 400 guests." "Freshman year?" "Your roommate?" "I heard you died." "No." "No, that's Len Brophy." "I'm the other one." "Truth be told, you're the first person I thought of." "Is that a yes or a no?" "Hola, Eduardo." "We're sorry." "You have reached a number that has been disconnected, or is no longer in service." "If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please check the number and try your call again." "Stephen!" "Roberta!" "Stephen!" "Is everyone out of the office?" "Timothy!" "Somebody!" "Help!" "I can't feel my fucking legs!" "Let's get, get off!" "Mazel tov!" "Off!" "Roof!" "You have to know that." "Okay." "I ain't lying." "Yeah." "I've always been a bit of a hopeless romantic myself." "If our true match exists somewhere, it's our goal in life to find her." "But, see, Andrew's a bit more rational than me." "Andrew always believed that "the one"" "was a farce created by musicians and Hollywood." "Until last December." "Andrew calls my cell phone and he says," ""Remember all that stuff I said about there being no such thing as 'the one'?"" "He said, "Well, I was wrong." "Her name is Gina Baker." ""And she doesn't know this yet, but she's going to be my wife."" "And I knew at that moment that this Gina Baker was the luckiest girl in the world." "But after getting to know you these past few days, and as I look at you tonight, Gina," "I know at this moment that Andrew is the luckiest guy in the world." "Because I know that you both have found "the one."" "I said I'm not going to do it." "I want to propose a toast." "This is to the groom, my best friend," "and his beautiful new bride." "This is to "happily ever after."" " I love you both." " Cheers!" " Congrats, man." " Great speech." " So, are you still the hopeless romantic?" " Well, I wouldn't say "hopeless."" "Hey, can I speak to you for a minute?" "Like, two seconds." "Yeah." "I'll be right back, babe." "I don't even know what to say, man." "Did you see their faces?" "They were smiling." "Hey, hey!" "Man, did you see the beautiful titties on that girl back there?" "I'm trying to tag her ass before she passes out, so if you could just..." "Yeah, sure." "Your wig's a little askew." " That's fine." "Thank you." " Okay." "So, I guess that's it." " You know the rules." " I do." "I just thought that..." " Thought what?" " I thought we maybe hit it off, right?" "No." "We definitely didn't." "You're a great kid, but unfortunately, a deal is a deal." "There's no contact after final payment." "I should have charged you more." "I'm serious, man." "You got the real deal tonight." "I was in the zone, baby." " Yeah, great." " No, we don't do that." " Sure." " Thank you, man." "After you." " Where to, boss?" " Just drive, Otis." "Just drive." "Mom and I narrowed it down to the silver tulle tussie-mussie, which is an exact replica of the 1915 Texan Tussie-Mussie." "Or we have our Très Beau with its goldia floral etching, enhanced in a smoky-silver tone." "Does anyone else feel really fucking gay right now?" " Ed!" " Let's go with the Très Beau." "Très Beau tussie-mussie is fabulous." "Christ, somebody just shoot me." "I'll be outside." "All right, team, can we all gather around, please?" "Okay." "I have everything I need for the bridesmaids, but I am still missing the groomsmen's information." "What?" "Honey, you told me you spoke to all the groomsmen." "See, I sent them an email, but you know how guys are." "They just haven't responded yet." "Babe, I know you've been really busy, but our wedding is in 10 days." "I mean, can't your best man help you with all of this?" "But you see, Bids still in El Salvador." "Well, let's hope he's in LA next week." " He will be." " Mom." "He'll be there." "Okay, look, why don't I just contact Mr. Rambis," "Mr. Garvey, Mr. Plunkett, Mr. Carew," "Mr. Drysdale, Mr. Alzado, Mr. Dickerson?" " I can't breathe." " Mister, are you okay?" "Honey." "Honey!" "Unless you are planning to run, you are backing yourself into a very tight corner." "I'm not sure I understand what you're implying." "Three out of seven of your groomsmen are Hall of Famers." "She'll leave me, I know it." "You're not gonna tell her, are you?" " She's going to find out soon enough." " God." "Why didn't you say something to me before?" "I've been on a bullet train ever since I proposed." "I haven't slept in months." "I can't keep anything down." "I keep losing weight." "I just..." "I just want her to be happy." " The truth is always the best." " What if the truth isn't an option?" "Well..." "There is one other thing." "Hey, hey!" "Lou, knock that shit off, man." "Don't worry about Lou." "He had half his brain removed two years ago." " Fuck off." " Okay." "Hey, do you know where I can find the basement?" "May I help you?" "Hi." "Yeah." "Yeah, I'm looking for Jimmy Callahan." " Who sent you?" "The Goose?" " No." "Edmundo." "Welcome to The Best Man Inc." "So, Edmundo sent you to come find the Oracle." "What can I do for you?" "Hi." "Yeah, I guess I do have a few questions." "What exactly do you do?" "I provide best man services for guys like yourself who lack in such areas." "So, I'm not alone?" "Alone?" "No." "I run a very profitable business because of guys like you." "Here's a fun fact for you." "A kid goes to Cornell University." "He obviously has way too much time on his hands." "He recently confirmed the number of real friends the average American has." "That means we're not talking about the phony Facebook friends here." "We're talking about the friends who know where your porn stash is." "That number has dropped from three to two since 1985." "Really?" "I don't have any." "How many weddings do you think were in the US last year?" "Four hundred and fifty..." " 2.4 million." " Four million." "That means there were 2.4 million grooms." "Do you think that each and every single one of them has someone to be their best man?" "Wow." "I never knew people like you existed." "I'm like an angel." "I'm only there when you need me to be." "Excuse me." "You got to get going, Jimmy." " Beth Shalom, right?" " Beth Yirmeyahu." "I don't understand why they do these things in the middle of traffic." "It's annoying." " So, what did you tell your fiancée?" " I told her that I have a best man lined up." " You gave her the old Norton Winchell, huh?" " I did what now?" "The Norton Winchell." "It's the imaginary-friend cover." "It's an amateur move, but it's common." "What about your parents?" "They in on it?" " You don't have to worry about them." " Why, they protesting the marriage?" " No, they passed away several years ago." " That's perfect." " Is this a large wedding or a small wedding?" " Large." " Social or family?" " Social." " Hancock Park, Bel Air, Palisades?" " Downtown, Millennium Biltmore." "All right." "Let's go over some of my packages." "If you're looking for a basic Single Wing Ringman, that's where I'm your best man, I attend your wedding for the full day." " Okay." " If you need something a little more involved, where I participate in all the festivities for the weekend, then you're talking about a Bronze Bow Tie." "Now, if you've got real problems, what you need is a Silver Cuff Link." "Now, that includes everything in the Bronze Bow Tie plus an additional three groomsmen to balance out the bridesmaids." "For an extra thousand dollars, I'll throw you a bachelor party to your liking." " How are you looking on groomsmen?" " Not good at all." " Not good as in you need one or two?" " I need seven." " You need seven groomsmen?" " I do." "Do you have any idea what you're asking for?" "You're asking me to pull off a Golden Tux." "Yeah." "See, I don't see that on this pamphlet here." "It's not on the pamphlet." "Because what you're talking about is what we joke about around here." "That's a laugh." ""Hey, we should try to do a Golden Tux."" "Too many moving parts." "Too many things can go wrong." " No." " But there's a name for it." "There's also a name for a horse with a horn on its head." "It's called a unicorn." "It doesn't mean I can get you one." " She will leave me." "I need your help." " You're talking about unchartered territory." "No one's ever asked me to pull off a Golden Tux." "And in less than two weeks?" "I have a nice job, I have a real nice business." "I don't need this kind of pressure, man." "I don't care how much it costs." "I need a Golden Tux!" "Are you sure she's worth it?" "A guy like me doesn't land a girl like her." "So, I lied about having a bunch of friends." "I thought it would make me look cool." "Never did I think she would like me, let alone agree to marry me." "I am marrying a girl who, all my life," "I never would have thought would have looked at me twice." "And I am marrying her." "What's a little white lie in the face of that?" "Please help me." "I don't know what else to do." "I love this girl." " I'm late." "Come on, get in the car." " Really?" " Yeah." " Should I follow you..." " No, get in my car." "Come on." " And you'll drop me off back here..." " Will you just get in the damn car, please?" " Okay." "I'm late, man." "God damn it." "Fucking white people." "Now, at this time, I would like to bring up" "Stuart's best friend to say a few words." "Just five short years ago, when I spoke at Stuart's wedding," "I never expected to be speaking at his funeral so soon." "As the only Ethiopian Jew at A.J. Wilson High School," "I was bullied quite often." "I remember one time when these kids took my lunch and spilled it all over my lap." "After they did it, they started to call me mean names." "Some of them even called me Pupil Jew-Jew." "Because they said when they turned the lights out in the hallway, all they could see was my eye pupils." ""Pupil Jew-Jew."" ""Here comes Pupil Jew-Jew."" "Some of them even did awful Sammy Davis Jr. impressions to my face." ""Sha boing boing, you black Jew-Jew."" "I was covered in sloppy joe and mashed potatoes and vegetable medley." "And I look up, and I see Stu." "He was standing there with a handful of napkins." "And a smile on his face as if to say, "Everything was going to be okay."" "Stuart may have gone to that big Shabbat in the sky, but he's still with us." "He's up there making sad angels laugh and he's giving hopeless angels hope." "And he's giving small, little, black, Jewish angels with a face full of corn a handful of napkins and a smile that says everything is going to be okay." "I am so, so sorry." "I mean, I had no idea." " This could have easily waited." " Man, don't worry about it." "All those things that you said about him, those incredible things." " He really sounds like a great guy." " Who, Reinsdon?" "Reinsdorf was a piece of shit." "If I end up doing a Golden Tux for you, I'll say nice things at your funeral, too." "Shit, for another 100 bucks, I'll throw in holiday cards, birthday calls, and if you croak within seven years of said wedding..." " You're serious?" " Serious as paint." "If I do this, you need to understand this is strictly a business relationship." " Right." " You're not buying a new friend." " You're hiring a best man." " Got it." "Clients sometimes blur that line." "I'm not looking for a friend." "I am looking for a best man." " 50 grand." " Done." " Plus expenses." " You got it." " Who's officiating?" " Father O'Brien." " I never heard of him." " Her family's priest." " What's my name?" " Jimmy." "No, my name." "I'm assuming you made up a name for me." "What is it?" "I thought it was a trick question." "It's Bic." "Bic Mitchum." " Do I wear a fucking cape?" "Bic Mitchum?" " It was an act of desperation." "Bic." "Hey, ladies, what's going on?" "My name is Bic and I got the dick." " What's happening right now?" " I'm Bic Mitchum." "Hey, you put that down and if someone asks you who said it, you tell them Bic Mitchum said it." "What do you mean that there's no more candy?" "I'm Bic Mitchum and I love candy." " I'm Bic." "Where's the pussy at?" " What?" " Fuck you!" "Fuck you, man!" " Wait." "No, Bic can't have these..." "Bic Mitchum can have whatever the fuck he wants!" "Bic, Bic, Bic." "All right." "I like it." "Doug Harris, congratulations." "Allow me to introduce myself." "My name is Bic Mitchum." "I'm your new best man." " It's great to finally meet you." " No, that's bullshit, Doug." ""It's great to see you again, man."" " Thank you." "Thank you so much." " Yo, what are you doing, man?" "Yo, what the fuck are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "I'm sorry." "I just got really excited." "God damn it, man." " What do we do now?" " You go get some rest." "Take care of them bags under your eyes." "Stop hugging strangers." "God created the world in seven days." "I got to do a whole lot more in a lot less time." "I got to go find you some damn friends." "Just keep your eye on the ball, you little fucker." " And you're sure I'll get laid?" " Yes." "Because I haven't gotten any since I got out." "You'll crush ass." "Seven bridesmaids." "Biltmore." "Seven?" "I want seven vaginae up on my face." "Do you guarantee that?" "I can't guarantee that, but I'm quite sure that they will want you." "It's you!" "Look at you." "Come on." "My mom isn't paying you to talk to your loser friends." "Loser?" " Don't talk to Jimmy like that." " What are you doing, Fitz?" "I'll murder your family!" "Turn it off." " Brentwood?" " Biltmore." "Hal Lane Orchestra." " Man." "Hal Lane is the best." " I know." " Hurry up and finish the van." "I'm hungry." " Okay, I'll be right there." "Look, Jimmy, I'd love to help you out, but I promised Marci I'd get out of the game." " Her old man hooked me up with this job." " Job?" "What job?" "Washing the damn van?" "I'm an apprentice." "I just take care of the van while I learn to plumb." "Stop." "You look at me now and tell me that you don't want back in." "Where the heck did you put the salad dressing, you fat idiot?" "Yeah, arms up." "All right, turn around, girl." "Damn." "You're trying to smuggle some extra ass on the flight, aren't you?" "Isn't that what you're doing?" "Go on, girl." "You're good." "Have a nice flight." "Come on, man." "You're better than this, Reggie." " Who's catering this gig?" " Puck." " Wolfgang?" " No, Hockey Puck, idiot." "Yes, Wolfgang." "The only thing they've got in this place is Cinnabon." "I've been eating Cinnabon for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the past six months." " Reggie, I don't need..." " Okay?" "Of course I'm in." "That's all I needed to know." "Come on." "We've a lot of work to do." " Now?" " Yes, now." "Hey, I'm clocking out." "I'm back in the game, baby." "At least Edmundo was able to reschedule the new salad dressing tasting to tomorrow." "There's only a week left and we still have so much to do." "Doug, what are you doing?" "I thought maybe we'd have a little ice cream and then perhaps some dessert." "That is so not fair." "You know I'm trying to lose 4.2 pounds before the wedding." "Well, I think you look beautiful just the way you are." " And I got you something else." " What?" " Ta-da." " My God." "I remember when we watched Girl with a Pearl Earring, and you said how pretty you thought the girl's pearl earring was." "So, I went out and had it remade." "You know, as a pair." "My God." "You are so sweet." "That was so unnecessary." "Is that Boyz II Men?" "You know, I was thinking of a way to alleviate all that stress you've been feeling." "That is not fair." "Remember, we said no teasing each other." "I know we agreed to the whole "no making love for the last month" rule." "That's a lot of quotes." "Yeah, but maybe I could request a temporary stay of the ban." "No." "Honey, look, I would love to, okay?" "But the article says this will enhance our emotional reunification." "I know." "Maybe we could take one night off." "Can we do that, maybe?" "Just for one night." "To just have sex?" "Honey, you know this is difficult for me, too, okay?" "But I am willing to make the necessary sacrifice to make sure that our wedding night is perfect." "Doug and I met at Camp Wampacheempi." "We were both 12, and we used to sneak out together at night and hunt bullfrogs and..." "I'm sorry." "I dropped a line." "I know I keep tripping over it." "You know what?" "You nailed it." "What about the distractions?" "Do you have any party tricks?" "Party tricks." "Yeah, okay." " Shit." " My God." " So, that's kind of it." "I just need a wall." " No, no, no!" "No, don't, please." "I got it." "There it goes." "Bronstein." "I prepared the scene from Titanic where Jack tries to save Rose..." "Stop." "We specifically asked for monologues." "We don't want any scenes." " Right, but I thought that this would..." " It said monologue." " This would showcase my talent." " Thank you." "I could read the part of Rose." "My name is Kip Loyola." "I'm 6'4"." " You don't have to..." " 6'3"." "As you can see by my résumé, I've done tons of soap operas." "Well, did you prepare anything?" "Shit, baby!" "All right." "Did you..." "Is that..." "Do you have a distraction or a party trick that ties in with this?" "Okay, I guess." "That's your..." "Hey, this is bullshit, Jimmy." "You promised me a spot on the team." "Look, O, it's not like this is a Single Wing Ringman thing." " I told you I need you to drive." " I'm sick of driving." "I want in." "You can't have in because you don't have a party trick distraction, do you?" "I told you I've been working on the talking backwards thing." "Well, no offense, O, but you've been saying the same thing for three months." "Months three for that saying been you've but O offense no well yeah." " That's pretty fucking cool." " Cool fucking pretty that's." "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" "No." "Wood chuck could chuck wood a if chuck chuck wood a could wood much how." " Okay, that'll do." " Do that'll okay." " Put a sock in it." "We're done." " Sock on put." "Try the Roquefort Buttermilk." "Is it too tangy?" " Maybe a little." " A little?" "Do you have something, maybe, a little less harsh?" "'Cause he's like..." "I can offer you the Algonquin Ranch." "Okay, give me one second." "Ray." "A.R., ASAP." "Okay, honey, we're all set tomorrow." "Brunch at my parents' house." "Oh, yeah." "Sweetie, I thought I told you that" "I got to hit the office tomorrow." "I'm sorry." "No, no." "Edmundo's bringing some more appetizer samples." "You know I can't make a decision without you." "Damn it." "I was going to keep this a surprise, but..." " What?" " Bic is flying in tomorrow morning." "Bic?" "The Bic?" "Yeah." "I have to go pick him up from the airport." " You are kidding!" "I'm so excited!" " I wanted to keep it a surprise." "This is so great." "Bring him to lunch with you." " No!" "No." "No, I can't." " Why are you yelling?" "I'm sorry." "I just..." "I can't do that because we have so much catching up to do." "Come on." "Bring Bic." "I want him to help us decide on all these fun things." "No, I don't know that that's..." "He can't..." "Listen to me." "He is your best man and I have never met him, okay?" "You cannot tell me he's flying in and not bring him to lunch tomorrow." "Are you crazy?" "Okay." " Take my hand." "I'll pull you in." " No!" "Stay where you are." "I mean it." "I'll let go." "Near, far..." "Hey." "Doug's on line one." "Something's wrong." " What's going on, Tonto?" " Hey, there." "We've got a bit of a problem." " What the hell were you thinking?" " She cornered me." "Doug, in the future, if somebody asks you something" " that boxes you in, you boomerang it." " "Boomerang"?" "You respond with either a compliment or a question." "Compliments are for women." "Questions are for men." "If I were to ask you something about Bic that you and I haven't discussed, what would you say, Doug?" " You're very handsome." " Thank you, Doug." "That's a compliment." "Compliments are for women, questions are for men." " You throw out random words." " You're confusing me a lot right now." "You use random words that will distract them from the original question." "Random words." "We have 18 hours to prepare for this brunch with the Palmers." "Which means we have 18 hours for a Shotgun Intro." "Let's get to work." "You want to start off with the HW2's." " Right." " The how-where-whats." "These are the three basic questions that everyone I encounter as Bic are going to ask." "How did we meet?" "Where am I from?" "What do I do?" "If we know nothing else, we can tread enough water to fake a stomach cramp and run away." "How did we meet?" "Freshman year, Stanford." "That means I'm smart." "Shit." "Where am I from?" " I never said." " North Dakota." " Why North Dakota?" " Do you know anybody in North Dakota?" " No." " Nobody does." "What do I do?" " You're in the military." " Atta boy." "See, now you're thinking." "No address, no phone number." "And chicks dig the uniform shit." "It's going to be like shooting fish in a barrel." "Actually, I don't think you're going to be shooting any fish in this particular barrel." "An Army guy that's the best man not hitting on the bridesmaids?" " They'll think I'm a homosexual." " Well, actually..." "Well, actually, what?" "You told them I'm a homosexual, Doug?" " No." "No, not that, per se." " What, per se, Doug?" "Tell me." "Bic Mitchum is actually Father Bic Mitchum." " You told them I'm a fucking priest, Doug?" " Well, actually, it was Gretchen who said it." "You told Gretchen I'm a fucking priest, Doug?" "No." "Gretchen said..." "There was nothing else that popped into your head?" "At the time I thought it was a really smart idea." " A fucking priest?" "A fucking priest?" " But now I can see it's going to upset you." " Fuck!" "Fuck, shit, bitch, dick, ass!" " No." "No, you can't." "Well, I have to get them all out now because I'm a fucking priest and I can't cuss around your family, Doug." "Fuck!" " Come on." " That's the last one." "Jill Abromowitz, freshman year." " Far-sighted or near-sighted?" " Far-sighted." " Okay." " Wait, let me finish." "And near-sighted." " Do you supinate or pronate?" " What?" " Does your foot roll inward or outward?" " Outward." "Okay, that explains the weight gain." "Pepsi or Coke?" "Sunset, full moon?" "If you could pick your favorite superhero, who would it be?" " Is Pas-Man a superhero?" " No, he's not, Doug." "Stairs or elevators?" "Never mind." "Forget it." "Okay, Doug, I'm almost happy right now." "What's my name?" " That would be Bic Mitchum." " Where am I from?" "You're from North Dakota." "Ask me why you're from North Dakota." "Tell me why I'm from North Dakota." "Because who the fuck knows anybody from North Dakota?" "I want to hear my name again." "What's my name?" " You are motherfucking Bic Mitchum!" " Rhythm." "Motherfucking Bic Mitchum." "Motherfucking Bic Mitchum." "Motherfucking..." " What are your phobias?" " I fear raccoons." " Favorite sport, Doug?" " Baseball." "And I love women's basketball." "Come on, we're getting too tired." "Up." "Yes." "Shit." "Doug!" "Doug!" "Get up." "Get your ass up." "We're going to be late for brunch." "Shit!" "When you get backed into a corner, remember your compliments, boomerang, random words." "Use random words." "Specifically, which random words should I use?" "Any random words." "Just be yourself, Doug." "You'll be all right." "What if they start asking too many questions?" "I mean, you hardly even know me." "Except for the fact that you prefer showers to baths," "Pas-Man's your favorite superhero even though Pee-Man's not a superhero at all, you're far-sighted and you're near-sighted, you supinate, you prefer full moons over sunsets, you're afraid of raccoons, you love women's basketball, you iron your boxers," "finished third on the bar exam, eat American, but prefer cheddar, you're against the designated hitter, believe in life after death, and you played the violin until you were 19 years old." "Which is the same year that you lost your virginity to Jill Abromowitz." " Let's go, man." " That will work." "You follow my lead." "You talk as little as you can." "Short answers." "You don't initiate conversation." "Wi-Wo." " "Wi-Wo"?" " We're in, we're out." "Wi-Wo." " Wait, wait, wait." " What?" " I'm getting a little nauseous, man." " What?" " I think I'm in over my head, Doug." " No, no." "This is a lot." "You're talking about a whole family." " I've never done a goddamn whole family." " You're telling me this now?" " What's your last name?" " Harris." "Doug Harris." " Shit!" "I thought it was Angley." " What?" "Who's Angley?" " I have to go, buddy." " No!" " I'm fucking with you." "All right, relax." " Don't do that." " That was a really shitty thing to do." " Ring the bell, rookie." "Come on." "You guys have to understand that I come from a very dark past." "And by dark, of course I'm referring to my drug use." "I was on everything." "At one point, the only good vein I had was between my toes." "Crystal meth." "I'm not sure if any of you guys can relate to it." "Grandma, I've seen your teeth." "Maybe you can, or can't." "But the Lord says, "Don't judgeth upon what happens," ""but what happens upon what can't be judged."" "Which means, yes, I may have been to a point where I was sucking dick for money." "But that day when I woke up face down in that snowbank," "I didn't know where I was." "I didn't even know who I was." "And I remember squinting because I was being blinded by this bright light." "I couldn't see a thing." "And when I finally opened my eyes, I saw Jesus." " You saw Jesus?" " I saw Jesus." "He was in Mary's arms in the nativity scene at St. Michael's." "And I wept." "But they weren't tears of pain." "These were tears of joy." "From having found my path, of course." " So, Father..." " Call me Bic, please." "What made you decide to go into the military?" "That's a great question." "Some people are called on to serve God." "Others are called to serve our country." "Those who are chosen to serve both, they're called Army chaplains." "I got a two-way call from the big fellow himself." " A priest in the military." " Yeah." "It's interesting." "Do they have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy on child molesting?" "Dad!" "It's okay." "It's okay." "That's pretty good." "I've never heard that one." "Now, that's a good one." "Well, I try." " Clever." " No, it wasn't." "Somebody call the firemen because this is hot, hot, hot!" "Okay?" "Do not touch." "So, listen, if you opt against the Russian mushroom bisque, we can always go into a more rustic theme with the Chilean chili." "I'll be back with the croutons." "So, Bic, where are you from originally?" "Originally?" "North Dakota." " No kidding." "What town?" " Henderson." " I've never heard of Henderson." " Henderson's a very small town, Ed." "Where is it in relation to Bismarck?" " Are you familiar with North Dakota?" " Ed's uncle has a ranch up there." "Wow!" "That is something to know, there." "No, it's actually on the opposite side of Bismarck." "You have Bismarck here, but once you go around..." "You know the tunnel." "It's right there." "Bismarck's in the middle." "When you said "middle", all I saw was Rita Hayworth." "I mean, there's a striking resemblance, isn't it?" " Thank you, Father." " No, there isn't." "So, Doug, when was the last time that you and Bic saw each other?" " March." " March?" "Well, wait a minute, wait a minute." "Because, see, in March..." "April, I was in the Middle East." "Muffin juice." "After that is when I was training." "Cottage cheese helmet." "And from there is when I was traveling, so you're talking three, four..." " Three, four, six, seven months ago." " ...six, seven years ago." "Years ago." "Honey, I thought you saw Bic at the Vatican a couple years ago." " Wait, what did you say?" " When you were in Rome, you and Bic." "Boy, that's right." "Because you left in March." "Red-hot pussy seltzer." "Right?" "Right." "Yeah." "That sounds right." " What did you just say?" " I think you said, "Red-hot pussy seltzer."" " Why would you say that?" " Red-hot pussy seltzer?" "Honey?" " What's 34 times 12?" " 408." " Shit, I didn't expect an answer that quick." " Breathe, Doug." "Baby, what is going on with you?" "I..." "I..." "I have to be honest with you guys." "My God!" " Honey?" " Shit, that burns!" " Guys, that was so hot." "I'm sorry, Doug." " It burns!" " God!" " Sorry." "I didn't know it was that hot, guys." " I'm so sorry." " It's okay." " I'm on fire!" " My God!" "Shit!" "No!" "She's on fire!" " It's an inferno!" " Holy shit!" " I need liquids!" " Get back!" " My God!" " Get something!" "It's making it worse!" " Give me the tablecloth!" " What is wrong with you?" "I'm going to get something else!" "She just caught fire so fast." "Don't feel bad, Doug." "She goes through a can of Aqua Net a day." "Hey, what did they say?" "Is she okay?" "Is she going to be all right?" "Gretchen, how do you like your grandma?" "What?" "I love her." "You know that." "What happened?" "No, I mean, how do you like her?" "Medium, well-done?" "My God, Dad." "You can be such an asshole." "She has some minor burns to her head, chest, back, neck, and breasts, but the doctor says she's going to be fine." " Thank God." " Come on, let's go see her." "I feel just awful." "Well, shake it off." "If you knew what the old lady says behind your back, you would have done it on purpose." "But let me say, that was a hell of a tackle for a tenderfoot." "Tenderfoot?" "Douglas was quite the halfback back in college." "You played football, Doug?" "How come you never told me?" "I thought you were just a nerd fan." "Yeah." "Yeah, intramurals, scrimmage." "We scrimmaged, the boys." "And, you know, I made the all-campus team a couple times in football." "I was an all-conference nose tackle." "Half the team's coming in for the wedding." "Why don't we have a friendly game of two-hand touch?" "You know, the old-timers versus the groomsmen." "What do you say?" "I think that's quite the invitation, Ed, but there's so much going on." "I just feel like there's not enough time." "What's the matter, Bic?" "Afraid of getting your asses kicked by some old-timers?" "I don't think so, Pops." "All things considered, not that bad for a Shotgun Intro." "Not that bad?" "I just set Gretchen's grandmother on fire." "Wrong." "We sacrificed Grandma for the sake of the mission." " I feel terrible." " Feelings are irrelevant in the big con." "What's important is that our cover wasn't blown." "Every test that we encounter will be the same, pass or fail." "As long as we pass, it doesn't matter how we do it." "I still can't believe they actually bought all that." "People believe because they have no reason not to." "We're going to have to be on top of our game." "That family was sharp." "Come on, we've got to go." "I've got some really important people waiting on us." "Look who I have?" "Dougie-Doug-Doug!" " Dougie Fresh!" " Doug, you look great, man." " You're losing weight, fat ass." " He had to lose weight." "All right." "All right, stop." " Who are these people?" " What, are you kidding?" " You don't recognize these guys?" " No." "You're looking at your groomsmen." "Come on, man." "Hey, Doug." " How have you been, bro?" " Good." "Yeah, real good." "You?" "You know, same old same old." " Stop it, man." "Stop it, man." " Every time." "Every time." "Jimmy, can I talk to you for a second?" "These guys cannot be my groomsmen." "What are you talking about?" "For one thing, it looks like the entire cast of Goonies grew up and became rapists." "This one in particular looks like he just broke out of a federal fucking prison." "What you need to do is keep it down because he did." " And he raped a lot of men in there." "Yes." " My God." "Jesus." "He's got a dark past, but when you throw a tux on that son of a bitch, you're not going to find anybody better." " The Asian has his dick out." " Endo, put it up." " No." " You have to get a new party trick." " People love it." " Is that a third testicle?" " Does he have three testicles?" " Yeah, I've got three." " How is that a party trick?" " That's neither here nor there." " I'm dead." " You didn't give me a lot of time, man." "God." "You gave me seven names, I brought you back seven groomsmen." " I should just call it off." " No!" "These guys are great, man." "You're looking at the best of the best." "Not the best of the best." "They're the best of what I had to choose from." "I'm dead." " We've got Dickerson." " Yo." "Dickerson, you're a lounge singer from Canada." "You perform four nights a week at the Walleye Nook." "You do a mean Tom Jones." "Now, that part's imperative." "She won't buy it unless she knows that you can sing." "Doug, I'm not trying to be rude, but nobody here really gives a fuck." "We're just assigning roles." "We can get all the ancillary particulars later on." "Garvey, you're a botanist." "You and Doug went to camp together from 6th grade through 10th." "Rambis, you're a principal at Saint Peter's Middle School in Provo, Utah." "And you're a regional racquetball champion." "Lefty, good serve." "Plunkett, you're a lawyer." "You specialize in environmental law with a focus on forestry." "Carew, you're a podiatrist in Knoxville." "Divorced, no kids." "I have to say, all these guys seem a little off, but you at least look normal." "Thanks, Doug, I appreciate that, man." "I'm just happy to be here." "Drysdale, you teach philosophy at Bardonia Community College." "You're a vegan." "You're also working on your first book called The Way of Wonder." "What the fuck does that even mean?" "Thanks, Doug, you fucking asshole." "Alzado, you're a computer programmer." "You met Dougie at a conference in Baton Rouge." " Do you want to trade?" " Hell, yeah." "I need to eat some meat, man." " This vegan life isn't for me." " Hey." "There will be no trading!" " Anything else, Doug?" " Yeah." "Plunkett's got to be in a wheelchair." " He was hit by a car." " What?" " Well, it's not funny." " I'm supposed to crush ass." "I told him he was going to crush ass." "Listen up." "Double check your measurements and perfect your PTD's, guys." " "PTD's"?" " That's your Party Trick Distractions." "If you get backed in a corner and you don't know what to do, pull out your PTD." "Can I do my Cockney accent?" "You're a principal in Utah." "Why the fuck would you have a Cockney accent?" "I could have moved there, right?" "Any more questions?" "Yeah." "When is the bachelor party?" "I don't see nothing in the package about it." "That's a good question." "No, no." "There's going to be no bachelor party." "Gretchen and I, we both decided that it was better that we..." "Stop." "There's no such thing as a mutual decision until after you're married." "Right now, the only "we..."" "Is me and my balls." "Balls." "All right, guys, listen up." "You have one week to know this information so well, it becomes a permanent part of your memory." "That means that we've got one week to pull off the first ever" "Golden Tux." "Understand something." "This has never been done, gentlemen." "Let's go make some fucking history, huh?" "Got it." "Hey!" "Hey, you son of a bitch!" "Suck it!" "Suck it!" "You're going to suck it!" "Hello." "Classic, Doug!" "Let's go, let's go, let's go!" "You got it?" "All right, let's go." "Go, go!" "What are you doing?" "It's a trick I learned in Vietnam." "My God." "What are you doing?" " Just prepping for a little bit of this." " Tahiti?" "Voted the number-one most romantic honeymoon destination." " That's amazing!" " It's going to be incredible." "My gosh." "Honey, that's..." "Hey, what has gotten into you this week?" "I've just never seen you so frisky." "I just feel really good about everything." "We're getting married on Saturday." "It's exciting." "Your friends are gonna be there." "My friends are all gonna be there." "I just hope it all goes smoothly." "I checked the 10-day forecast." "Sweetie, it's LA." "It's not like it's going to rain." "What the fuck did you just say?" "Are you kidding?" " What are you doing?" " Why did you say the fucking R-word?" "Calm down." "Calm down." "I didn't say it was going to rain." "You just said it again." "This is twice now in two minutes." "Are you fucking serious?" "Gretchen, calm down." "I just don't understand why you continue to say this stupid shit." "Okay, you're right." "But you know what?" "We climbed the glaciers of what?" "It was..." "It was..." " It's Patagonia." " Padronia." "Patagonia." "Political views?" " Staunch Republican." " Got it." " Patagonia." " Pagon." " I'm a doctor." " What type?" " Podiatrist." " Is that right?" " I think that's right." " That's what it says?" " Yeah." "I'm a kid doctor." " No." " What are your views on gluten?" " It's a myth." " Pata..." " Pata go..." "My name is Hobie Plunkett and I collect..." " Playbills." " Cabbage Patch Kids?" "No, man, it's exotic pets, you dumb motherfucker." "Dumb?" "You can't even say "Patagonia," you idiot." " Garvey's family owns a "blank" farm." " Chinchillas." "Nice." "Hey, come on, we have to hammer out this toast, man." "Right." "They're going to want to know why she's "the one."" "It's like a band playing their most popular song." "The crowd is just waiting to hear it." "Let's start with the first time you saw her." "She was wearing a dress." "And she was pretty." "That's it?" "Why are you marrying her?" "Why are you in love with her?" "What makes her different than any other girl that you ever met?" " She talked to me." " She talked to you?" "What?" "Yeah, seriously." "Her dad was a client at the firm." "I had seen her a couple of times, but she never gave me the time of day." "And then one day I ran into her, and it was just different." "She knew my name, she asked me to go get a sandwich." "You're not helping me." "You have to dig deep." "Like, "From across the room, she looked at me and I swear it was like slow motion." ""All the room stood still." "I closed my eyes and I reached out my hand," ""and in return, I got a soul." ""And that's when I knew that we were soul mates."" " That's what I need, Doug." " But that's not real." "All right, Tonto." "Do you want to see real?" " Yo!" " Puta madre." "I'm coming." "Hi!" "My God!" "What a delightful surprise." "I wish you would have called before." "My place is a pig sty." "Eddie." "Hey, Eddie, stop." "Stop." "No mas." "He's one of us." " What the fuck, cabrón?" " Yeah." "What the hell is going on here?" "I want to introduce you to Dirty Eddie Sanchez." "His family had a wedding planning business that was one of the biggest in the city." "But, after Father of the Bride came out on DVD and Blu-ray, nobody wanted to take advice from a Mexican kid from Boyle Heights." "So, what he decided to do was flame it up a little bit." "Hence, Edmundo." " Business skyrocketed." " This is so fucked up on so many levels." "So, ese, why did you bring him here?" "He's taking this wedding thing way too seriously." "All right, look, vato, weddings are just overblown parties direct from women's unreasonable fantasies and preconceived notions that originated in childhood." "So, don't sweat the morality of what you're doing." "Just make sure the bride and her mother are happy." "We're in this together, homie." " Is that your girl?" " Fuck no." "That's my sister." "That's my girl." " What's up?" " Fuck." " Do you want some nachos?" " I'm actually okay." " No, I ate before I came." " I'm sorry." "What did you just ask them?" " I asked them if they wanted nachos." " Nachos?" "The guy's getting married in a week and you're gonna offer him nachos?" "Look at him!" "What do you think cheese is going to do to him?" " I thought they wanted nachos." " Use your fucking head." " I'm going to take some." " Sit down, Jimmy!" "I tried." "They've been together for some time now." "Nothing's going to happen." " What?" " Nothing." " You guys make a beautiful couple." " Bitches, right?" " Do you want some weed?" " No, no, I'm good." "You put the weed in the coconut" "And light that shit up" "You put the weed in the coconut And light that shit up" " Get him to sing it." "Come on, white boy." " I'm good, I'm good." "You put the weed in the coconut And light that shit up" "You're being disrespectful." "Sing the fucking song." "You put the weed in the coconut And light that shit up" "You put the weed in the coconut And light that shit up" "You put the weed in the coconut" "You two better not fuck this up." "Why are we here?" "It's called a dry run." "I do it with all my grooms." "I hate this stuff." "Hey, that's why we're here." "Groom desensitization, okay?" "That's a rum and Coke." "That's your favorite, right?" " Yeah." "How did you know that?" " I know everything, Doug." "Drink up." "All right, I want you to keep reminding yourself that weddings are for the women." "You're not supposed to enjoy yourself, Doug." "If you were, there would be big-screen TVs, there would be gambling." "There's none of that there." "Okay, NAS and we won't get caught." "Wait, what?" "NAS, Doug." "Nod and smile." "All right?" "Let's go." "You all look good." "How are you, man?" "And I said, well, put the money in the bag." " Hello." " Showtime." " Now, is this guy also a pro?" " No." "This guy is not a professional." "Just kidding." "I'm just kidding." "The moment Chris asked me to be his best man," "I sat down and I wrote a pretty awesome speech." "But I don't know." "I think I'd rather speak from the heart." "Don't do that." "Don't you rip that paper up." "You never do that." "You know, when Chris..." "When Chris and I first met, we..." "Chris and I have known each other since..." "Chris and I, you know, we did stuff together." "He's going to throw up on the fucking bride." "And Chris has been like a brother to me." "Well, because my real brother died." " Well, he didn't die immediately." " No." "They revived him in the ambulance, and then, he died later." "Is he serious?" " Adolf Hitler once said..." " Holy fucking shit." " Jesus Christ." " God." "I'm just going to..." "There was this one thing I wanted to reference." "You know what?" "Fuck it." "Wolverines, brother!" "I love you." "Thank you." " That's not even the right way." " It's not an exit." "Okay." "One, two..." " Are you okay?" " Yeah." " Let's go dance." " No, thanks." "Douglas, you can hide a fat ass in baggy pants, but you cannot hide a bad dancer." "Come on, I'll teach you some basics." "I'm not dancing." "It is my job to make you look good on your wedding day." "Now, I need you to get comfortable with being uncomfortable." "Come on." "Stop being a pussy." "Let's dance." " Come on, you lead." " No, I don't want to lead." "Okay, then, fine, be the chick, Doug." " On second thought, I will lead." " Whatever, Doug." " Just follow me" " I really don't get it." "Back." " Nice rond de jambe." " Thanks." "Twelve years of dance lessons." "My mom said, "One day, they would come in handy."" "I doubt this is what she had in mind." "You asked how a gal like Gretchen could fall for a yutz like me." "I took her dancing." "You bastard." "So, I get a call out of nowhere, a guy I went to school with." "I barely even knew the kid." "He goes, "I just got engaged."" "Naturally, I go, "Great." "Congratulations."" "Then, he says, "Can you be my best man?"" " I barely knew the kid." " Wow, that is so weird." "So, I get to thinking, "What's the worst that can happen?"" "The guy's wedding party consisted of me, the bride's brother, and this Filipino exchange student." "And it was so sad, Doug." "Everybody is thinking, "Why in the hell would this woman marry this loser?"" "So, I grab the microphone and I just get to talking about how we climbed the Himalayas, how we fished for sharks, how this guy saved me in a barroom brawl one time." "So much bullshit." "And I look over and I see the bride." "She's got his arm, Doug." "She's got his arm so tight and she's glowing." "Because she's marrying this amazing guy." "This man comes up to me and goes, "Wow." ""I would pay money" ""to have somebody talk like that about me at my wedding."" "Light bulb." "That's the day that this wedding hustle was born." "That's the day that I became The Wedding Ringer." "Now, I don't want you to think that I'm some sort of schmuck who doesn't have any friends." "No." "You know, my father, he was an international tax attorney, right?" "So, we moved around all the time." "I went to 13 different schools by the eighth grade." "I lived on four different continents." "And after a while I just figured," ""Why even make friends anymore?" ""I'm just going to have to move, anyway." "What's the point?"" "And then, when my dad died, I took over the business." "I was just working so much." "I was working too much." "Am I a loser?" "No." "This is what you have to understand, Doug." "Some people are just loners." "It's that simple, man." "Maybe I don't want to be." "Maybe I just want someone to grab a beer with, to go on a cool guy trip with." "You've never been on a guy trip, Doug?" "Cabo, Cancun, spring break?" "You've never done anything like that?" "I never really had anyone to go with." "Good night, Tonto." "I gotta say, it feels really good to have somebody looking out for me." "I got your back, man." "I like that." "And I got your back, too." "Hey, Doug." "I like you, man." "I think you're a great guy." "I just want you to remember that this is a business relationship." "It doesn't mean that we're going to be best friends." "That's not how this story ends." " I'm just an employee with a job to do." " I get it." "You're not my best friend." "You're just my best man." "In one week, Bic will be on a plane headed back to the Middle East." "Three months from now, he'll get killed in a tragic grenade accident while giving an impromptu sermon on the back of a Humvee." "It doesn't mean that we're not going to have a good time, Doug." "I said I got it." "You're anybody's best friend for a price, but nobody's when it counts." "Is everything okay?" "What's the matter with you?" "I don't know." "Well, now." "I never expected the "Jimmy Callahan"" "to get all soft-eyed over a client." "No, no, it's not like that." "All I do is go from job to job, saving these losers with no friends." "Losers?" "Come on, Jimmy." "They're not losers." "They're just guys." "They don't share their private, deep emotional feelings with each other like women do." "Women are nurturers." "We sit and listen to each other's problems." "Which is why we're always so miserable, from all that goddamn listening." "You should count your blessings." "I still think they're losers." "Well, maybe you're right." "But let me ask you this, Jimmy." "If you ever found a woman crazy enough to marry you, who would be your best man?" "See, this all started because you wanted to make a guy feel good." "Do you remember how good you felt the first time you did this?" "Well, you've lost that." "You've become jaded with all your rules." "You forgot what got you into this business in the first place." "Your ability to be a friend, to change someone's life." "Now, Jimmy, we have less than a week to pull off the first ever Golden Tux." "So, I'm going to need you to stop crying like a little girl, strap on a pair, stop wasting time feeling sorry for yourself, and let's bring this shit home." " Doug Harris, right?" " Yeah." " Come here, you little shit." " Wait!" "Have you ever been to the 'hood?" "Here you go." "Somebody help me!" "I'm not Doug Harris!" " Why did you kick me in my balls?" " Help me!" "No!" "Throw his ass in the truck!" "Get back there!" "Go, go, go!" "I'm not strapped in!" " What was that?" " Shit!" "God, which way is the sidewalk?" "Doug, don't move!" "Someone help me!" "Please, God!" "Please!" "I'm begging you!" "Help!" "Anybody!" "Take his pants off!" "You pay for the Golden Tux, you get a bachelor party, you son of a bitch!" "To the house!" "Don't pop that shit!" " Hey." "Hi." " Nadia." "Hi." "I'm Doug." "Doug Harris." "Do you speak English?" "Have you ever been to a Dodger game?" "Do you like the Dodgers?" "This is happening." "Okay, so, here's the deal." "I'm about to get married to this great girl, Gretchen." "Boy!" "On second thought, I've got a better idea." "Isn't this so much more fun than sucking my dick?" "To Dougie!" "This is for Dougie!" "I can't swim!" "Yo, where are the women at?" " Did you touch my dick?" " Okay, I'm sorry." "All right, guys." "This is for Dougie!" "This is the running of the balls!" "Start the machine!" "Ready!" "No!" "No!" "All right." "What is happening here?" " I don't like being..." " Hey, hey." "Shut up." "It's about you having a good goddamn time, man." " Nadia." " No!" " Nadia!" "Nadia!" " We got through this already." "You smell so sweet." " Lick that nutty butter!" " Nadia, you don't have to do this." "What?" "Wait." "Fletcher!" "Fletcher!" "Fletcher!" "Nadia, do not give me a fletcher." "Okay, this shit's gone far enough!" "Nadia, no!" "God, it feels so good, but I don't want you to." " Talk me through it, Doug!" " It feels so scruffy and wet." "Why are you licking so rapidly?" " I love my fiancée, I love my fiancée." " How does that feel?" "God!" "Okay!" "Okay!" "Shit!" "When you pull, it hurts!" " Stick a finger in his ass!" " Not my ass, the dog's ass!" " It's not working!" " Get it off!" " What the fuck, Plunkett?" " Shit." " I didn't shoot him." "I shot up." " That dog is dead." " I just tried to scare him off." " Shit, the fucking dog has lockjaw." " It must have had a heart attack." " There's a dead dog on my dick." " I've got to get to a hospital, guys." " His dick is bleeding!" "The hospital's right around the corner, okay?" "You have to hold on." " Hurry up, Lou." " Every time it moves, it hurts!" "Where's the alcohol?" "Somebody give me the alcohol!" " Just breathe, Dougie!" " That just burns!" "Red light, red light!" " What the fuck was that?" " Was that a cop?" "No, it was just a cab." " Shit!" " We have open bottles in here." "I can't go back to jail!" "I'm tired of fucking dudes!" " You were the rapist?" " Finish your bottles!" "Everybody, chill out!" "Put the bottles down, put your drugs away." "Do you hear me?" " This is Marci's father's van." " I'm only 15!" " Pull over." " Lou, you have to pull the fucking car over." " Pull the fucking car over." " God, Marci's going to kill me." "You're going to get through this, man." "This isn't going to be long." "Get me out of the car." "They're going to think I kidnapped this white girl." " Take it." "Take the gun." " I don't want this motherfucker, man." " No!" "You take it back." " Shut up." "You talk too much." " I don't want it." " Take it." "Put it in your titties." "I'm not going to jail for this." "I can still see it." "Shut up!" "This is real!" "Everybody look normal." "Okay?" " Have you guys been drinking tonight?" " No, sir." " Not even a little bit?" " No." "Are you all right, sir?" "Is that a dog?" " Yeah." " Why is his mouth on your genitals?" "God." " Lou, what the fuck are you doing?" " What in the fuck, Lou?" "Stop the car, you old dick!" "Lou, watch the Buick on your right!" "Do you have to hit every single meter, Lou?" " Come on, what are you doing, Lou?" " No guts, no glory!" " It's a one-way street!" " I know!" "It's the way I'm going!" " Look out!" " Stop the car!" " I hate you, Lou!" " Fuck, Lou, stop!" " Lou, this is a closed road!" " You're going the wrong way, Lou!" "I don't have a fucking seat belt on, Lou!" "Holy shit!" "There's a gap in the bridge!" " We're all going to die!" " My God!" "No!" " My God!" " We made it!" "Yeah!" "Suck on this, copper." "Nadia." "Hey." "You waited all night for me?" "You know, last night, that was the greatest night of my entire life." "I don't think I've ever felt a connection to anybody like that before." "I know you can't understand any of this." " But I..." " Tonto." " How is it hanging?" " I'm kind of numb." "What did they do?" "They put some stitches in your penis head." "The doctor said you'll be okay, though." "Come on, kiss her goodbye." "I've gotta go." "It was really great getting to know you." "It was great getting to know you, too." " Wait." "You speak English?" " Thanks for having me out again, Jimmy." "Doug here is a real keeper." "Call me sometime." "Maybe we can catch a Dodger game." ""Dodger game" is code-word for fucking." "Fellows." "Where's Lou?" "Lou had to go away for a while." "He said it was worth it, though." "Burn this." "I haven't felt this good, this happy since..." "Since ever." "Did you take one of those pills Plunkett was handing out?" " The ones that looked like Altoids?" " Yes!" "Did you take one?" " Yeah, I took one." " What did I tell you?" "You said don't take anything that looks like drugs." " Then why did you take it?" " Because it looked like an Altoid." " It wasn't an Altoid, Doug." " I realized that soon after." "I said, "Stay your ass away from Plunkett." Didn't I tell you that?" "Now, I know none of this is real, but it's good to be one of the guys." "It really is." "Come on." "Let's go get you cleaned up, man." "So, let's just go and knock this thing out, man." "We'll make you look great, rock your wedding, send you off to Tahiti so you can blow Gretchen's back out." "Knock her back loose." "And then, we ship Father Bic off to his untimely death." "I was thinking about what you asked me the other day about Gretchen." "And on our third date, she said something about wanting to start a family, how she was ready to have kids." "And I don't know, ever since I lost my family," "I've always wanted to make one of my own." "Hey, do me a favor." "Be very gentle with my car." "I've seen your car..." " Ain't nobody gonna mess up this shit." " Okay." "Why don't you go put some ice on your dick?" "Yeah." "No kidding, right?" "God." " Hello." " I got a problem." "I can't be there on Saturday." "What are you talking about, Garv?" "Marci's dad found a butt plug in the glove compartment." "She knows I'm working with you again." "I had to promise to fix the kitchen cabinets to get her to calm down." "No." "You're going to be there." "Do you hear me?" "I'll call Marci myself." "Is that what you want me to do?" "I'll tell her about Kokomo." "Lurch, where are you?" " Look, Jimmy, come on." " No, don't "Look, Jimmy" me." " I'm not playing the "Look, Jimmy" game." " No, we all made a pact." "You said the kitchen cabinets would be done by today." "Just tell Marci that you'll do the kitchen cabinets on Sunday." "Jimmy, go die in a fire!" "I hate you." " I hope your dick gets chopped off." " Roger Delta Niner." "And may God bless whoever else is on this." " Hey." " Who is Jimmy?" "Jimmy is actually a tag." " It's a tag name." "Military code." " Military code?" "So, I suppose I shouldn't pry into the meaning of "kitchen cabinets" then, either." "For your safety, no." "I would kind of leave it alone." " All right, I'll see you at the rehearsal dinner." " See you then." " Father." " Okay." "God." "Six violins, two violas, two cellos, one contrabass, one electric bass, two guitars, one drum set, and I'll be singing." "And your first dance will be to what song?" "To our song, You Are So Beautiful." " That's by Joe Cooker." " Thanks." " What?" " That's not our song." " That's not our song." " Honey, of course it is." " No, it's not." " Yeah." "Babe, don't you remember?" "Your broken CD player repeated it over and over and over the first time we made love." "It was so amazing." "That wasn't me." "That was your ex, Steve." "And I know that because you've told me this story about five times." "So..." "Well, you know, honey, it's still such a beautiful song." "I mean, when you really listen to the words." "Honey, it's my favorite." "Please." "Sure." "I'm going to need a deposit." "Gentlemen, in these wallets, you have a license, credit cards, and $300 cash." "These bags here contain your suits for the rehearsal dinner as well as the wedding." "You guys get some rest." "We leave for the high school at 0800." "What are we doing at the high school?" " Hey, Dad." " Don't ever call me Dad." "So, we were thinking maybe the field's a little too muddy today." "You sound like my daughters." "It doesn't get any better than this, boys." "Come on, you pussies." " Okay." "Yeah, all right." " All right." "Sounds good." "We're playing these old guys?" "Listen." "Let's just keep it fun, fellows, all right?" "Go out here, amuse these old geezers." "There's no need to rub it in their faces." "We wouldn't want to see any coronaries." " You boys look a little soft." " That dude looks familiar." "Are you sure you can handle going both ways?" " I heard Doug enjoys that." " What?" "Sit, pal!" "Pussies!" "He's open!" "Chop block!" "That's a chop block!" " Yeah!" "Yeah!" " Touchdown." "Seven-zip." " I just got punched." " I thought this was touch football." "You can't play football without blocking, bitch." "That old motherfucker is fast as shit." " They just caught us off guard." " Can we discuss the rules again?" " Come on, Doug, get up." " Good D!" "It's Webster!" "Those old guys are fast and crazy, man." "This is Sean John, bitch!" "Back on your side, loser." " You have a really nice arm, sir." " Blow me, kid." "Hut!" "Let's go, Doug!" "I don't have the ball!" " Take that, gimp!" " You're so mean!" " What the fuck?" "I'm in a wheelchair!" " He's in a wheelchair!" "Hey, fat ass, we're going to do your sister!" " I don't have a sister." " In the ass!" "Blue dog left, Omaha!" " Yeah!" " Yeah, brother!" "Shit." "Why?" " You're such a fucking embarrassment." " Your father-in-law is a dick." " God, 72 just bit me!" " All right, that's it." "Look at us." "Where'd you go to defense school, Munchkinland?" "Good one!" "Fuck this, fellows." "Shit just got real." "Get up, guys." "We're about to give these old bitches a nice little serving of youth." " All right, ready!" " Set." "Hike!" "Let's go!" "Go, go, Dickerson!" "Yeah!" "Old bitch!" "Hut!" "How does it feel?" " Fuck!" " Hike!" "Let's go!" "God!" " Hut one." " Fumble!" " I've got the ball!" "I've got the ball!" " This way, Doug!" " This way!" " I've got the ball!" "Go, go, go!" "Keep going!" " Fumble!" " Fumble!" "Dog pile!" "Our ball!" "Our ball!" "Our ball!" "Okay, listen, y'all." "I'll be the first to say that we underestimated these old sons of bitches." "Listen!" "Right now, we are back in the game." "The next touchdown wins, guys." "Now, Doug, I gotta be honest with you, man." "You played a pretty shitty game." "And the last thing I want to do is put the ball in your hands, but I do know this." "I know that you're faster than Big Ed." "I know that I can throw you the ball." "But what I need to know is if you're going to catch the goddamn ball." "Hey, look at me." "Please don't throw me the ball." " Doug, get off of me." " Man, your father-in-law hates you." "Listen, I will throw it to you and you're going to catch it." "Okay?" " Get some fucking balls right now!" " You need this, Doug." " Be a man." " This isn't a game anymore." " Your father-in-law has no respect for you." " Show him you're a man." " Be a goddamn man!" "One, two, three." " Break!" "Hike!" "Yeah!" "My God." "How did you like them apples?" "You can't spell "Ed" without "Bitch"!" "Easy there." "That's going to be your dad." "I'm so happy for you, man." "You're not a bitch!" "I told you guys to be careful." "I knew someone would get hurt." "Look at this." "Well, to be fair, we were just having fun until your dad and his friends decided to make it an MMA blood sport." " Don't pin this shit on me." " Hey, hey, now." " My God." " Who the hell are those guys?" "What are you talking about?" "Those are my friends." "That's Principal Mitchell Rambis from Utah." "In the wheelchair, that's Plunkett." "And that's the brilliant philosopher, Ira Drysdale." "No." "No, no." "That's the strangest looking group of guys I've ever seen in my life." " What do you mean?" "Those are my boys." " What's up, man?" "How are you doing, Doug?" "My, this has been a long time coming, hasn't it?" "Palmers, it's an honor." "Mrs. Palmer, I see where Gretchen gets her good looks." "Thank you." " Gretchen." " Yes." "It's a pleasure finally meeting the love of Doug's life." " Thank you." " Hey, Grandma..." "What the..." "Wait, Bic, I meant to tell you, Grandma made a full recovery." "She's doing really well." "Doesn't she look good, guys?" "Yeah." "That's something else to look at there." "It's very pretty." " What are you doing?" " Nothing." " What are you feeding him?" " What are you talking about?" "That." "He wasn't like that until you showed up." " That's the Doug that I know." " I've never seen that Doug before." "Hi, everyone." "Hi." "I'm Holly Munk." " I'm the head bridesmaid." " Twenty bucks says they wrote a song." " $40 says it's The Carpenters." " You're on." " You're on." " You're onner." " You're on first." " You're more on." "You're on from God." "You're never going to believe this, Gretch, but we wrote you a little ditty." "Yes." "And if everyone wants to look under your seats, you're going to find the lyrics so that everybody can sing along." "And we're singing to the tune of" "Lean on Me." " Pay up, Father." " I don't have any cash." "I only have credit." " Do you take credit cards?" " No, I only take cash." " Excuse me, Ms. Maid of Honor." " What?" "Are you going to chat all night or are you going to come up and sing with us?" " Do you think you're too good?" " No, this is your guys' thing." " What, do you think you're too pretty?" " God always wins." "That's why you're going up there." "God is a winner." " Let's go, bitch." "Come on." " I'm coming." "It's that time in your life" "When you wear something blue" "And something borrowed" "Gretchen was dumped" "By handsome Steve" "We'll just hit up the Supper Club And make some mistakes" " How long did we rent the place for?" " Sing it!" "Do you remember" "Christ." "Baton twirling" " That's the end of the song." " Thank God." "Since none of us are songwriters, we decided to put together a little slide show to toast our buddy." "He was stealing ladies' hearts since long before we knew him." "His friendship came with an instant half-point boost to all our GPA's." " You never could crack 2.5, Dickerson!" " You got me there, buddy." "He also taught us things that you can't learn in a classroom." "Whether it was bowling at regionals." "Running the Santa Monica Marathon." "It was a close call with the Kenyan." " You ran?" " Yeah." "Navigating the rapids of Colorado." "Scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef." "What?" "Climbing the glaciers of Patagonia." "Jumping out of a plane at 10,000 feet." "Help him out, guys." "You got it?" "Yeah." "After I was hit by a drunk driver who was found innocent, it was Doug who helped me pay for my law school tuition." " That's so sweet." " It was you." " That's okay." " The only thing that gets hard is my nipples." "Oh, dear." "Let's get him out of here." "Way to keep it together, buddy." "I wanted to quit grad school until Doug told me the story of Plunkett." " Which inspired me to stay." " He inspired us all." "When he wasn't hitting those books, old Doug-town was teaching us all how to have fun." " Yeah, he was." " Doug-man." "I think we saved the best for last." "This last shot is actually my favorite." "This was a historic guy trip with my closest friend." "As you can see in this picture and in all the other pictures," "Doug is smiling, but I think we can all agree that in this shot, that smile got a whole lot brighter." "I love you, bud." "I was a bit surprised when I met your groomsmen." "I mean, actually, terrified." "Like, "Wah!" "What is that?"" "But I've got to say, they're really good guys." "Honey, are you there?" "I'm definitely going to have Alison be my maid of honor." "I mean, no one can fight over that." "But, babe, what about you?" "Who's going to be your best man?" "Mitchum." "Bic Mitchum." " Who?" " You know Bic." "Bic Mitchum." " He's a buddy of mine from Stanford." " No, I've never heard of Bic Mitchum." " Didn't you meet Bic at that..." " I met Bic?" "You know, maybe on second thought, you didn't meet Bic because..." " Because why?" " He's overseas in the military." "You know what?" "Now that you mention it..." "I think you have said something about him." "Isn't he a priest or something?" " Yeah." " That's right." "Yeah, I knew it." "He's a priest overseas in the military." " But our Wedding's in 10 days." " But Bic's still in..." "El Salvador." "Bic is flying in tomorrow morning." "In April I was in the Middle East." "Muffin juice." " Bring him to lunch with you." " No!" "I am..." "My God!" "...dying to finally meet this guy." "I'm dying to finally meet all your friends." " Who the hell are those guys?" " Those are my friends." "I am still missing the groomsmen's information." "Those are the strangest group of guys I've ever seen in my life." "Your friends are gonna be there." "My friends are all gonna be there." "Sweetie." "Hey." "Hon?" " Gretchen, are you there?" " Doug." "Don't you think it's a bit strange that you use Bic razors and Mitchum deodorant, and your best man's name is Bic Mitchum?" "Well, if your best friend was named Jemima Colgate," "I bet you wouldn't use Log Cabin syrup or Aquafresh toothpaste, would you?" "It's called loyalty." "Hey, sweetie, listen, you're just overstressed." "Why don't you get some sleep?" "I'll see you tomorrow for our big day." "Okay?" " Okay, bye." " Bye, sweetie." "I saw the light on the night that I passed by her window" "I saw the flickering shadows of love on her blind" "She was my woman" "As she deceived me I watched and went out of my mind" " And I said, "it's called loyalty."" " I didn't teach you that." "No, that can't be taught." "You're born with that." "You look good, man." "Thank you." "I wish I could say the same for you." "So, you know, as I'm getting dressed," "I'm thinking to myself how insane what we're doing is." "You just started thinking that?" "Well, I mean, she's going to be my wife." "Shouldn't I be able to tell her the truth?" "I mean, the key to relationships is being honest, you know?" "Up to a point." "It's all about making her happy, Doug." "All right?" "Come on." "Let's go get you married." "You look good, man." "My, my, my, Delilah" "Why, why..." "Hey, fellows." "Gather around." "Hey, hey." "Guys, guys." "This is one of the few times that you're actually going to hear me be honest." "Nine days ago, I didn't think a Golden Tux was possible." "But in less than an hour, we're going to have 200 unsuspecting guests filling those pews to celebrate some holy matrimony." "Which means that from this moment on, we are flawless, gentlemen." " Have each other's backs out there." " Support each other." "Remember your HW2's, your boomerangs, and your Party Trick Distractions." " Drysdale, set it off." " What time is it?" "It's game time!" " I said, what time is it?" " It's game time!" "Guys, guys, I'm down here." "Guys." "Douglas!" "Hi!" "Perfect timing." "I was just telling Papa Bear here that we did have a little bit of a "scandal" with Father O'Brien." "He will not be able to officiate the wedding." "But it's okay." "Rest assured, I have everything under control because Father McNulty here, he has agreed to step as a replacement of the shoes of Father O'Brien." " Hello, Doug." " Hi." "Great to meet you." "Father McNulty is a wonderful priest." "I'm just happy the big day's finally here, to be honest with you." "I would love for you to meet all my friends." "This is my best man, Bic." "Bic must have gone a different way." "Would you guys mind going to look for Bic?" "I'd love for him to be caught up on all this." "I'm going to go see if he's praying." " What is going on?" " What the hell is Father McNulty doing here?" "How do you know Father McNulty?" "Because he was my principal at Benjamin Rush." "I spent half my damn middle school years in his principal's office." "Please, please tell me that you are kidding me." "This cannot be happening right now." "I need you to fix this." "What you want me to do?" "If I go out there, he knows I'm not Bic Mitchum." "Wait." "Wait." "I think I have an idea." " Father McNulty?" " Yes." "Go, go, go." "Shit!" "200 grand out the door, I expect..." "No, I demand perfection." "Yes, Mr. Palmer, I assure you..." "Listen, Menudo, first you tell me my family priest is a goddamn pervert." "Now you tell me Father McNulty has disappeared." " Mr. Palmer, I'll take care of this." " You better or I will fuck you up." "Shall we do this?" "Do you, Gretchen Palmer, take Douglas Ephraim Ben Lazar Menahem Harris to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, through sickness and health, till death do you part?" "I do." "Do you, Douglas Ephraim Ben Lazar Menahem Harris, take Gretchen Palmer to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, through sickness and health, till death do you part?" "I do." "I now pronounce you husband and wife." "You may now kiss the bride." "Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Mr. and Mrs. Harris." " You are about to blow that back out." " Don't do this here." "Don't do that." " What?" " Nothing." "I'm a lounge singer myself up there in Canada." "What kind of stuff do you sing?" "That's when I knew I was born to work on feet." "You're a podiatrist?" "I'm a podiatrist." "Big deal." "Where did you go to school?" "You don't remember?" " Harvard." " I went to Harvard." "I'm really inspired by black, American soul singers." " Nice." " Like Tom Jones." " You went to Harvard Podiatry School?" " Yeah." " What years?" " 20." "20?" "Wow." "You work out, huh?" " Isn't Tom Jones white?" " Yeah, isn't he from Wales?" " My God!" " Mom!" " I'm fine." "I'm fine." " My God." "Well, do you want to see?" "Boom." "Yeah, three balls." "Count them." "I thought you said you was a vegan." "Okay, that's cool." " I can do it, too." " Stop." "That's mine." " I'm proud of you, Doug." "I really am." " Well, thank you, sir." " I have to say, I learned from the master." " Well, don't celebrate yet." "We still have more work to do." "All right, I'm going to wait for you outside." " Can you believe this zipper already broke?" " Okay, I'm coming." " Mrs. Harris, can I talk to you for a second?" " I'll get the thing." "Listen, I may be partial here, but I just want to say that you have put on the perfect wedding." "Really." "Perfect wedding?" "The zipper on my $8,000 dress is broken, the groomsmen are accosting my bridesmaids, my grandmother's burned from head to toe, my dad's knee is shredded." "And don't even get me started on the salad dressing." "But at least you have Doug." "True love conquers all." "True love?" "Please." "I'm just sick of dating assholes." "Doug is a good guy, he's good family material." "What can I say?" "I'm a girl that's used to a certain kind of lifestyle, and Doug can give me that kind of lifestyle." "So, I've gotta go." " Bud, are you waiting on me?" " Yeah." "Yes." " Let's get back out there, huh?" " Yeah." " Time for the first dance." " Yes, it is." "You are so beautiful" "To me" "You are so beautiful" "To me" "Will the rest of the wedding party please join the happy couple?" "You're everything I hoped for" "You're everything I need" " So, who are you really?" " I'm not sure I know what you mean by that." "There has just been some questionable behavior over the last couple of days." "Like you setting my grandmother on fire." "The secret military codes." ""Kitchen cabinets."" "What you have to understand is that the Lord works in mysterious ways." " And he thanketh..." " I don't know about the Lord." "You work in mysterious ways." "...me" " Thanks for the dance." " No problem." "Thank you." "I got to talk." "We got to talk." " What's the problem?" "What's going on?" " I think I made a terrible mistake." " Gretchen doesn't love me." "She never has." " Stop it." "Stop." "Of course, she loves you." " Why would you even say that?" " I overheard the two of you talking, okay?" "Okay, listen." "Maybe she's confused, or she has the jitters." "That's perfectly normal for a woman at this stage, Doug." " You have to understand that." " It doesn't matter." "I don't love her, either." "I love the idea that a girl who looks that hot could like me." "I couldn't believe it." "But she's not "the one," Jimmy." "She's not even "the two" or "the three," for that matter." "Doug, nine days ago, you came to me and you asked me to pull off a miracle." "Right now, we're 30 minutes away from pulling off a Golden Tux." "I know." "But then what?" "Then I go back to living what turns out was a pretty lonely life." "I don't want that life anymore." " I don't want to be that guy." " Doug, you have to calm down." " Everything is going to be all right." " I don't want it to be all right." "I want it to be great." "I want my real life to be as fun as the one I paid for." "No shit, Doug." "You don't think I want that?" "You don't think I want to be a Delta Air Line pilot or the CFO of Lubriderm or whatever the hell else I made up, instead of being some guy that works out of a renovated fucking closet?" "You don't think I would ask Alison to come out and have a burrito with me?" "Me?" "With Jimmy Callahan?" "Or say, "Hey, Doug, come on, let's go have a beer next week." ""Maybe we can catch a game." I want to do all of that shit, but I can't." "Because I can't go out there and tell the truth." "Because you need Bic." "Nobody needs Jimmy, man." "Okay?" "Not a single soul needs Jimmy." "That's reality, Doug." "I'm going to go out here and I'm going to make my toast, and me and you, we are done here." "We're done." "I suggest you get your head back in the game." "It's showtime." "Good evening." "My name is Bic Mitchum, and I just want to say that it's an honor to be here." "I've delivered many sermons, but never a best man's speech, so, please bear with me." "Doug and I have been through a lot together." "Happy times and sad." "When I was accepted into the priesthood," "Doug was there waiting for me with a huge hug and a Bible that was signed by Cardinal Enders." "And when his parents, Merle and Irene, passed, God rest their souls," "I cried as if they were my own." "You know, my grandmother once told me that the true measure of friendship isn't..." "Isn't how you feel about someone else." "It's about how they make you feel about yourself." "And..." "I can honestly say that I've never had a friend to make me feel the way that you have, Doug." "I'm sorry." "When Doug called me and told me that he wanted to propose," "I was nervous." "I was probably just as nervous as he was." "And I remember asking him," ""Are you sure she's 'the one'?"" "Damn it." " He told me he..." " Stop!" " What are you doing?" " Just stop." "I don't know." "Doug." "What are you doing, Doug?" "Are you sure that you want to go through with this?" "Thanks, Jimmy." "I've got it from here." "Hi." "I've got something to say." "None of this is real." "What?" "See, although the flowers are beautiful and the salad dressing is great, we're not married, Gretchen and I." "We can't be because my friend Bic is not a priest." "Shit, here we go." "Yeah." "In fact, he's not even in the Army." "His real name is Jimmy, and I hired him to be my best man because I had no other options." "Same with all my groomsmen." "I actually don't even know their real last names." " Bronstein." " ...is Japanese." "It's good to meet you guys." "So, please stay and enjoy the cake." " What do we do now?" " We need to get the fuck out of here." "Yeah." "Great stuff tonight." "Thank you so much, bud." "Are you out of your fucking mind?" "Look, Gretch, who were we kidding?" "You didn't grow up dreaming of a guy like me." "Your knight is out there somewhere." "Go find him." "I'm going to tear your head off." "You goddamn motherfucking pathetic piece of shit." " Señor, let's just relax." " Get out of my way, you fairy." "Fairy?" " Love you, Dougie!" " Calm down." "You motherfuckers!" "I swear to God..." "What the fuck?" "I will cut you!" "Shit, man." "Good game, kid." "That was a hell of a catch." "All right." "Thanks." "Hey." "No ass-touching off the field, Joe." "I knew you were full of shit from the moment I met you." "I know this is gonna sound crazy, but if you're ever in the mood," "I know a place that has great burritos." "You just ruined my sister's wedding and you're asking me out on a date?" "Yes, I am." "Can I call you?" " Yeah, you better." " I will." " We were this close, Doug." " Yeah, well, maybe next time." "Yeah." "Here." " You saved me, Jimmy." " Yeah, well, you saved me, too." "Did you mean what you said back there?" "Am I really your friend?" "Yeah, of course I meant it." "Does that mean you don't want my money?" "Fuck yeah, I want this money." "I earned this money, man." "Damn it." "So, what the hell do we do now?" "You still have those two first-class tickets for your honeymoon?" " Yeah, why?" " I've got an idea." "This is going to be the best honeymoon ever!" "Ever honeymoon best the be to going is this!" " Cheers, my friend." " To your first guy trip." "I'll drink to that." "Everyone, please, I need you to take your seats." "Please fasten your seat belts." "Can I unfasten my pants belt?" "Hello." "Would you mind holding this for a second?" " Yes, Doug." " Thank you so much." "No." "Okay." "Hi, there!" "You like that, don't you?" "Is that a dog?" "You can't have a dog on the plane." " This?" "No, it's a service dog." " That's a service dog, man." "Let me show you what type of service it can do." " Somebody send up the peanut butter!" " No!" "No peanut butter!" "You put the weed in the coconut You light that shit up" "You put the weed in the coconut And light that shit up" "You put the weed in the coconut And light that shit up" "You put the weed in the coconut And light that shit up" "You put the weed in the coconut" "And you light that shit up" "Stop it, Doug." "I got a bad feeling about this flight." " Okay." "Yeah." " Okay?" "Put your weight into it." "You hit me in my back." " I trust you, you're not gonna do it." " Don't trust me!"