"Uncle Phil!" "Man!" "How are you doing?" "I am not your uncle Philip." "My fault, man." "I must have got the wrong crib." "I didn't know there were so many brothers living in this neighborhood." "We're doing all right, huh?" "You have the right house." "I am Geoffrey, your uncle's butler." "Okay, well, I..." "Cheerio and all that rot." "Bring the horses round, would you?" "If you will follow me..." "I will show you to your room, Master William." "Hey, man, it's cool if you just call me Will." "Master William... tradition dictates that a clean, unbreakable line... be drawn between a family and their butler." "Therefore, it is necessary for the operation of a household... that you address me as Geoffrey... and I, in turn, address you by your proper title:" "Master William." "Who are you, Robo-butler, man?" "Come with me, Master William." "Yo, G. Let me rap to you for a second." "All this Master William stuff, I'm not down with that, man." "Make it sound like we're back on the plantation, like:" ""Massa William!" "Massa William!"" "Let's come up with something better that you could call me." "What would you prefer?" "Check this: "His Royal Freshness." That's dope." "Master William, walk this way." "No." " Willie!" " Hey, Aunt Viv!" " Sweetie, hi." " How you doing?" "My goodness, let me look at you." "Turn around." "The last time we saw you, you were this funny little boy." "Now look at you." "My goodness, you are a man." "That was the plan." "It is amazing." "You certainly have grown, Will." "Well, we all have." "Did you enjoy the trip?" "The plane ride was stupid." "All the way first-class..." "Excuse me?" " I'm saying the plane was dope..." " Excuse me?" "No." "Stupid, dope..." "No, that doesn't mean what you..." "How would he say..." "The flight was really neat." "Geoffrey, would you take Will to his room, and help him get settled in?" " Yes, Madam." " Nice seeing you." " Master William." " You got to love this guy, right?" " Did you see the way he was dressed?" " What's wrong with it?" " You hear that language?" " We used slang when we were kids." "Do you remember our first date?" "You took one look at me and said:" ""That is a bad dress." You could've just said it was a good dress." "I could have, if I liked it." "Actually, it was a bad dress." "That's stupid." "Now, take it for whatever meaning you want." "Now he's got you doing it." "Philip, cut him some slack, please." "He's my nephew." "And I would just appreciate it if you would try to understand him." "Hi, Mom." "Hi, Dad." " Hi, sweetie pie." " Hi, Ashley." "Yo, this place is huge, man." "Next time I go to my room, I'm gonna take some bread crumbs." " Will, this is Ashley." " Hi." "My little Scottish cousin." "Pleased to make your acquaintance." "I'm your humble servant." " He's cute." " I know he is." " I'm gonna take a swim before dinner." " Good luck." "The pool heater's broken." " Don't you just hate it when that happens?" " Yes, that is my pet peeve." " You got your own pool here?" " And a tennis court, too." "Yo, this is better than Love Boat." "This boy gonna be maxing and relaxing." "Hold on just a minute, son." "We promised your mother that you're here to work hard, straighten out... and learn some good old-fashioned American values." "Dad, I need $300." "Hilary, your cousin Will is here." "Hi." "Dad, I need $300." "That's a lot of money, Hilary." "What for?" "I need a new hat." " For what?" " Probably her head." "Okay, I'm going on the Save the Ozone celebrity bus next Saturday." "It's gonna be Bruce Willis and Demi, Rob Lowe, Emilio Estevez... or Charlie Sheen, I can't remember which." "We're taking the bus all over town to protest air pollution... and then we're gonna motor to the beach and have a big bonfire." "What?" "I'm not an expert or anything, but don't you think... driving a big old bus around town and then having a bonfire... is sort of adding to the problem of pollution?" "Look, if this weren't a good idea..." "I really don't think Ally Sheedy would be involved." "Hey, look who's here." "Benson." " This is for you." " But I didn't get you anything." "Your uncle has invited several of the partners from his law firm to dinner." "At the time of the invitation, he did not realize... you'd be descending upon him today." "And regrettably, it was too late to cancel." "Yo, are we having a party?" "We're gonna get stupid, right?" "For some of us, that will require very little effort indeed." " Miss Ashley." " That will be all, Geoffrey." "That's all you had to say to get rid of him?" "I've been racking my brain." " This is for you." " Thank you, Ashley." "This is nice." "You're very talented." "Well, I'm glad I'm good at something." "I tried out for the school chorus today, but I didn't get in." "How come?" "Well, when I auditioned for Mrs. Berkley..." "I couldn't remember all the words to the song." "The part I remembered was fantastic." " I'm sure it was." "I bet you're def." " That's what she said." "Not deaf." "D-E-F." "That's just slang." "Means terrific, good." "Thank you." "You should try rapping." "When you're rapping, you mess up the words... and make up some new ones right there on the spot." "Let's try this." "I'll sing one line, you make up a line to rhyme it." " Okay." " All right." "Let's see." ""You didn't get into Miss Berkley's chorus"" " I'm thinking, all right?" " That's all right." "We got all day." " Okay, I've got it." " Here we go." ""You didn't get into Miss Berkley's chorus"" ""I'd like to hit her in the head with Roget's Thesaurus"" ""Don't need no choir when you're a rapper"" ""Gonna hunt Miss Berkley down and zap her"" ""Got this whole town of Bel-Air buzzing"" ""Get a load of me and my rapping cousin"" "Ashley, why don't you go downstairs and get ready for dinner." " Okay, Daddy." "Bye, Will." " Check you later, Ash." "Look who's here, Will." "Who is he?" "It's your cousin, Carlton." "Don't you remember?" "When you two were little, people thought you were twins." "You looked exactly alike." "I guess some things never change." " How's it going there, Will?" " It's going all right." " Malcolm X." " He's sort of my hero." "Well, he was a great man." "I don't know if I'd call him my hero exactly." " Really?" "Who are your heroes?" " Well, my dad." "And Bryant Gumbel." "He's darn good." "Oh, my, yes!" "I see they brought your tuxedo." "Tell me something, Will." "Have you ever attended a formal dinner before?" "Other than that thing at Buckingham Palace, no." "The important thing to remember is to relax, enjoy yourself... and when in doubt, do whatever Carlton's doing." " You got it, man." " Okay, I'll see you at dinner." " That's a really neat tux, isn't it, Will?" " Yes." "It's definitely the cat's meow." "Wait till we come downstairs in those tuxes." "People may not think we're twins, but I bet they'll think we're brothers." "I don't think you have to worry about anybody mistaking you for a brother." "Touché." "This is going to be great." "Your first formal dinner." "And tomorrow, I'll introduce you to the gang." "Maybe we'll play a set of tennis or two." "Yes, this is going to be wild." " Where is he?" " He's upstairs changing." "Not Will." "President Reagan." " You didn't?" " What do you mean, I didn't?" " You invited him again." " Why not?" "He's our neighbor." "He's turned down the last 16 invitations." "When are you gonna take a hint?" " Maybe I should call his house." " Don't." "I don't want him here." " Why not?" " Because he'll bring her." "Anyway, Bruce, Demi and I all feel that the ozone layer must be protected." "I mean, every square foot of rain forest that's cut down... brings us just one step closer to global warming." "We have to learn to protect the earth." "Not just for ourselves and not just for our children... but for the future of all mankind." "I had no idea it was such a serious problem." "I really commend you for getting involved in such a good cause." "Thanks." "It's my passion." " Where can I send a donation?" " I don't know." "Oh, my God!" "Philip, don't make a big thing out of it." "If this is how he feels comfortable..." "He's not killing anybody." "Aren't you going to introduce Will?" "Introduce him." "Well, Steve, David, Henry." "This is Will, my nephew by marriage." "Will, these are my partners in the law firm of Furth, Winn and Meyer." "Earth, Wind  Fire!" "When's your next album coming out?" "Will is going to go to Bel-Air Academy with Carlton." "Good for you, Will." "I used to fence at Bel-Air." "Really?" "How much do you think we could get for that stereo?" "These hors d'oeuvres look tempting." "Don't mind if I do." " How could you do that?" " It's all in the tongue." "I'll show you later." "There are other people at this table." "You're right." "Any requests?" " Sweetie, would you say grace, please?" " Yes, Mommy." ""Hey, there, Lord My name is Ashley Banks" ""My family and friends Want to give you some thanks" ""So before this dinner's All swallowed and chewed" ""Thank you, God, for this stupid food"" "Hey, Geoffrey, home butler." "I'm glad to see you, man." "It is a special thrill for me as well." "Check this out." "I'm gonna be down here for a while." "Why don't you hop on in the kitchen and get me some cocoa?" "Master William... while it is my natural inclination to accede to your every demand..." "I officially go off duty at 9:00 p.m." "And if you care to look at your watch, you will note... that the long hand is on 12, and the short hand is on 9." "It is 9:00, Master William." "And do you know what that means?" "Masterpiece Theatre is on." "Sir, do you require anything further of me?" "No, Geoffrey." "Then I shall retire." "Man, he took that hard." "I want to talk to you." " About what?" " You know." "From the minute you came, you've been a one-man wrecking crew... trying to tear down what's taken a lot of hard work to build up... skewering everything with your flippant shenanigans!" "Man, I was with you up till "skewering."" "You know what I'm talking about." "You deliberately tried to embarrass me tonight and I don't get it." "Your aunt and I went through a lot of trouble to bring you here." " This is the thanks we get?" " I ain't asked to come." "Everyone's talking about shipping me off, and dressing me up... and changing me into something I don't wanna be." "Nobody wants to change you." "You told me yourself I got to straighten out." ""When in doubt, act as Carlton acts."" "Man, I don't wanna be like Carlton." "I'm a joker." "I play around." "I have fun." "Being a joker is what's gotten you into trouble." "You may think it's cool to be on the streets when you're 17... but when you're my age, it's a waste." "I can't think that far ahead." "That's your problem." "You can't take anything seriously." "Look, man, I don't have the problem." "You have the problem." "I remind you of where you came from and what you used to be." "I don't know, somewhere between Princeton or the office, you got soft." "You forgot who you are and where you came from." "You think you're so wise." "Look at me when I'm talking to you." "Let me tell you something, son." "I grew up on the streets just like you." "I encountered bigotry you could not imagine." "Now, you have a nice poster of Malcolm X on your wall." "I heard the brother speak." "I read every word he wrote." "Believe me, I know where I come from." " You actually heard Malcolm speak, man?" " That's right." "So before you criticize somebody, you find out what he's all about." "I'll take care of you in the morning." "I'm going to bed." "Hold on." "I can't tell my side of the story?" "No, you can't." "I know what you're all about." "Believe me, the very thought of it makes me very tired." "Good night." "Ladies and gentlemen, my fly girl, Ashley Banks." " Would you teach me how to dance?" " Yeah." "Not in here." "Even I lose my rhythm in this room." "Okay." " Could you do me a favor?" " Sure." "I seem to be missing a Walkman." "So if it shows up anywhere, like, I don't know, on your head, maybe... maybe you could get that to me." " Sorry." "Dad won't let me get one." " How come?" "He says he wants to hear everything I'm listening to, to make sure it's not bad." " What record does he think is good?" " He really likes the Care Bears." "Ash, from time to time, your father's gonna say or do things... that may seem irrational or hard for you to understand." "It's not because he's mean, or a bad guy, or that he doesn't care about you." "It's that he's from Mars, Ashley." " I gotta get washed up." " Me, too." " I'm really glad you're living here." " Thanks, Ash." "You're like the big brother I never had." "What are you talking about?" "You got..." "You're right." "I see your point." "How many bathrooms you got in this place?" "Four and a half." "A half bath?" "How does that work?" "It doesn't have everything a full bathroom has." "You better show me a full bathroom." "I don't want to take no chances." "Next bathroom." "Can't a person gargle in peace?" "Hilary, are you gonna be in there for long or is this just like a pit stop?" "Stop hounding me." "I'm trying to take off my makeup." "Now, go away." "Okay, good night, Hilary." "I knew it!"