"NARRATOR:" "Previously on Two and a Half Men:" "I don't wanna get a divorce." "Why we gotta get a divorce?" "Because I've grown up and you are still the same guy you were at 19." "That is not true." "I got a lot more money now." "Not about what you have, it's about who you are." "Huh." "Well, I'm pretty much the same guy." "Great news, Alan." "Berta has agreed to be my live-in housekeeper." "Yeah, he talked me into it." "BERTA:" "I wonder what his sweat tastes like." "Time for me to go." "Wait." "Come here." "Give us a hug goodbye." "[ALAN CHUCKLES]" "I'm taking your room, Zippy." "You saved my butt back there." "I owe you." "If there's anything you need, any way I can help you...." "Well, really uncomfortable living at my mom's." "You think I could stay for a few days till I find my own place?" "No problem." "I'm back." "Hello, room." "Did you miss me?" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "What are you doing here?" "I live here." "What are you doing here?" "See, Berta has got my room now, so" "No." "Yes." "It's just temporary." "No." "I'm not sleeping with my dad." "What, sleep on the same bed?" "No, I'll get air mattress." "That you'll sleep on." "No, no." "Yes." "Yes!" "[AIR MATTRESS HISSING]" "Good morning." "Morning." "Where have you been?" "Power walk on the beach." "Gotta tell you, Zip." "I can see why your brother couldn't get you out of this house with the jaws of life." "Malibu is the greatest place to wake up in the morning." "I'm glad you're enjoying my room." "Alan, I say this with love." "It was never your room." "Good morning." "Oh, did I miss our power walk?" "I tried to cuddle you awake, but you weren't interested." "So, Alan, how's the house hunting coming?" "Oh, still looking." "Not a lot available." "Maybe that's because you're looking in the sports section." "Well, don't worry." "You can stay here as long as you need to." "[BERTA GROANS]" "Just a few more days." "Maybe a week, tops." "[BERTA GROANS]" "Hey." "Listen, Walden." "While I am here, I was wondering how you'd feel about me having an overnight guest." "[GROANS]" "I thought you were the overnight guest." "[LAUGHING]" "Your wit is only exceeded by your generosity." "Um, I'm having dinner with this woman I used to be in a relationship with." "I don't know how things are gonna play out." "But if they go well, I'd like to bring her here and, you know, reconcile." "Is she homeless too?" "Oh, no, no, it's just that she has a teenage son and I'm not really keen on him hearing us, you know  reconcile." "But it's okay for me to hear you." "Oh, don't worry, we'll be quiet." "And quick." "It's true." "That's why she calls me Zippy." "I guess it's okay." "I sure wish I could reconcile with Bridget." "Oh." "Give her some time." "It took Lyndsey months to forgive me." "What did she have to forgive you for?" "Oh, heh." "I called her a slut because I thought she was sleeping with my brother and I accidentally burned down her house." "Well, not in that order." "Ha, ha, ha." "Anyway, thanks so much." "He is gonna move out at some point, right?" "You are so cute." "Heh, heh." "[SINGING "TWO AND A HALF MEN" THEME]" "So sorry to hear about your brother." "Yeah, yeah, very sad." "He fell in front of a train?" "Uh, fell, pushed, jumped." "Whatever the verb, the end result was Charlie tartare." "That's horrible." "Yeah." "And we had to sell the house in Malibu." "So where are you living?" "The house in Malibu." "Wait, what?" "Oh, it's actually a funny story." "The fella who bought it is this rich Internet guy going through a bad divorce." "He's lonely, needs a friend so he asked me to stick around for a while." "What's the funny part?" "He thinks I'm gonna leave someday." "So how's things?" "How's Eldridge?" "Let's not ruin the evening by talking about our children." "Agreed." "Heh, heh, heh." "I have missed you." "I've missed you too." "Can you ever forgive me for being an idiot?" "Let's not ruin the evening talking about what an idiot you are." "Good idea." "You know, I haven't slept with anybody since we broke up." "How about you?" "You know what?" "Let's not ruin the evening by talking." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "I got it." "Hello, little girl." "Hi, big daddy." "You got everything?" "Hell, yeah." "Beer, a bucket of drumsticks and nine magic fingers." "BERTA:" "Well, let's go." "Heh, heh." "Uh, Berta?" "What's going on?" "What's it look like?" "I'm gonna get drunk, eat some chicken and rock this old man's world." "[ELMER LAUGHS]" "I've got 10 fingers and a billion dollars and this guy's getting more action than me." "[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING ON COMPUTER]" "What now, Walden?" "Nothing." "I just wanna say hi." "Sweetheart, listen." "We're getting divorced." "You need to get some friends." "Get a life." "I don't want friends, I don't want a life, I just want you." "What are you doing anyway?" "Why are those people wearing masks?" "I'm at a charity event for people without faces." "Are you at an orgy?" "Orgy?" "Don't be ridiculous." "What kind of charity has an orgy?" "Bye." "BERTA:" "You know, a real gentleman would've taken his poop before he came over." "[ALAN  LYNDSEY CHUCKLING AND MOANING]" "Hello." "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you're still up." "You must be Walden." "I'm Lyndsey." "Oh, hi." "Okay, everybody's met." "Time to hit the old sackaroo." "Don't be rude, Alan." "So I understand you're going through a tough divorce." "It's tough for me." "She's breezing through it with naked, faceless people." "You tried to work things out?" "Go to therapy?" "I offered." "She's not interested." "Well, that's all you can do, make the offer." "Lyndsey?" "Hang on." "So, what, you're just sitting around, feeling sorry for yourself?" "No." "Sometimes I lay down, sometimes I curl up in a ball." "See?" "He's fine." "Listen to me." "We just met, we don't know each other, but you have a lot going for you." "You're tall, good-looking, very successful." "Believe me, women settle for a lot less." "And thank God for that." "Heh." "You need to get out and find somebody who appreciates all you have to offer." "I don't want anybody else." "That's because you haven't found that special someone." "Believe me, somewhere out there is a perfect girl for you." "Who knows?" "She could be sitting right in front of you." "Gee, I'd like to believe that." "So would I." "You know, you know, Lyndsey's right." "You need to go out and find Ms. Right." "I mean, in fact, you should get started immediately." "Now?" "But I was just gonna curl up in a ball." "Oh, come on, there's a great big wide world out there full of beautiful, exciting, sexy people." "Where am I gonna find them?" "A bar?" "I am not going to a bar." "Hey, if you're looking for honey, you gotta go where the bees are." "Bzzz!" "Well, forget it." "I am not going to a bar." "Hey, slick." "Where do you keep the plunger?" "I am going to a bar." "[LYNDSEY SIGHS]" "Whoa." "Hi-ho, Silver." "Heh, heh." "I didn't hurt you, did I?" "A little." "But I only need the one ball." "Boy, you really seemed like a different woman." "Well, you seemed like a different man." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "WALDEN:" "Hey, Alan." "Speak of the devil." "Am I interrupting?" "No." "Come in." "I just wanted to tell you that I found her." "Found who?" "Ms." "Right." "Really?" "At a bar at 12:30 on a Wednesday night?" "Is she on a leash?" "Woof." "[WALDEN  COURTNEY GRUNTING AND MOANING]" "Isn't that the girl who almost married your brother?" "Yup." "Didn't she go to jail for being some kind of con artist?" "Yup." "Doesn't it strike you as an amazing coincidence that she ran into Walden?" "Nope." "Warn him before he gets in too deep." "WALDEN:" "Hot diggity, that feels good." "Sounds like he's already in too deep." "Who's my hungry boy?" "Me." "Who's my naughty boy?" "Me." "Who's gonna get their bottom spanked after breakfast?" "You." "Ah!" "You are so smart." "Heh." "Heh, heh." "Open." "Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt." "No." "Wait, Alan, come back." "We're just having breakfast." "Scrambled eggs and tongue." "Nice." "Alan, I wanna thank you." "If you hadn't made me go out..." "..." "I would've never met Courtney." "Welcome." "I have a feeling, one way or another, she would've found you." "Wait." "Hey, you know what would be fun?" "Whatever it is, I'll do it." "You are something else." "No, Walden." "What would be fun?" "Oh, right." "Why don't you and Lyndsey and me and Courtney go out for dinner?" "I'd have to check with Lyndsey." "Come on, man." "A big, fancy dinner?" "Sort of short notice." "My treat." "We'll be there." "Do you wanna watch me and Walden having sex?" "No, not particularly." "Then you better get out quick." "WALDEN:" "Hot diggity, that feels good." "I can't believe she's using I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" "Hello?" "Dad." "Oh, yeah." "Hey, Courtney." "Jake." "Oh, it's so good to see you." "You too." "Oh, you've grown." "No, it's just my cell phone." "Jake, what are you doing here?" "I just, uh came by to...." "What?" "Look, could you give us some privacy?" "Yeah, sure." "Can I have a goodbye hug?" "Jake, go." "Way to block me, Dad." "So, Courtney." "So, Alan." "Where's Walden?" "He's upstairs taking a nap." "Recharge the batteries?" "The batteries are fine." "It's the flashlight that needs a rest." "What can I do for you?" "I want you to leave Walden alone." "He's not ready for someone like you." "Someone like me?" "Whatever do you mean?" "Someone who's creating a lifestyle from finding wealthy men, sponging off them." "Gee, Alan, that sounds a lot like you." "Whatever do you mean?" "Living off your brother, sleeping on his couch." "Oh, leave it to you to spin it so I look bad." "See you at dinner, Alan." "Oh, I will see you at dinner, all right, young lady" "Ow." "Gristle." "Oh, here, honey, let me cut that fat away for you." "Thank you." "ALAN:" "Hm." "Bit of a fatty piece here myself." "Yeah." "So?" "Oh, you got a little schmutz." "Oh." "Thank you." "So looks like you two guys hit it off pretty quick." "What's the point of going slow?" "When it's right, it's right." "And it is right, right?" "Right." "Finished my beans." "Can I have dessert?" "I am dessert." "Thank you." "Hey, you know what would be cool?" "Hm?" "What?" "Move in with me." "[FORK CLATTERS]" "Whoa." "Heh, heh." "Slow down, Walden." "Yeah." "Slow down, Walden." "You just met her last night." "Yeah, but I wanna be with her all the time." "Oh, baby, that is so sweet." "But is there even room for me?" "I mean, what about Alan?" "Yeah, what about Alan?" "Well, he's moving out, right?" "Right." "I'm not really the kind of girl who just moves in with a guy after one night." "Please." "Okay." "All right." "Heh, heh." "I guess I need to find a new place to live." "Yeah." "Good luck with that." "Morning, Alan." "Morning." "Where's your girlfriend?" "She couldn't sleep, so she went home." "What's the problem?" "I think it was hearing the third:" "[IMITATING WALDEN] "Hot diggity, that feels good."" "Oh, yeah, number three was a well-timed ice cube." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] You think you've beaten me, don't you?" "Alan, it was never a contest." "Of the two of us, only I can bring the diggity." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Don't be so sure of yourself." "I may have a final card to play." "Well, unless that card is a vagina, I'm not particularly worried." "ALAN:" "Oh, thanks for coming, Bridget." "You said Walden was in trouble." "Hi, I'm the trouble Walden's been in." "Repeatedly." "Uh, Courtney, this is Walden's wife, Bridget." "Bridget, this is the "lady" I was telling you about." "WALDEN:" "Bridget." "What are you doing here?" "Well, Alan called and told me that you were doing something stupid." "And I just met her." "She's just sorry she threw you out." "But it's too late now." "Isn't it, baby?" "Really?" "You're sorry you threw me out?" "Who cares?" "Come upstairs." "Walden, just because I can't live with you anymore doesn't mean I want you to be taken to the cleaners by Botox Barbie here." "Don't listen to her." "Come upstairs." "Walden, if you go with her, I will never talk to you again." "Why don't both you broads hold out a treat and whistle and we'll see which one he goes to." "[COURTNEY SIGHS]" "Boy, this is a toughie." "I" "I really love having a life with you sharing my hopes and dreams." "But I also  really love burying my head in your breasts and going:" "[BLOWS RASPBERRY]" "Honey, it's not about the sex, it's not about your money." "I wanna be with you." "I wanna take care of you." "Oh, that's a good answer." "Bridget?" "We have a winner." "Courtney, do you think that your deep feelings for my husband can, in any way, be affected by a cashier's check for $50,000?" "[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Fifty thousand dollars?" "You actually think that you can buy me off?" "Your real name's Sylvia Ficshman and you're wanted for fraud, forgery and money laundering." "Well, Walden, it was fun." "Darn." "I was really looking forward to more diggity." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] If Bridget will write me a check like that, I'll diggity your brains out." "I'll diggity you for free." "How you doing?" "Let this be a warning to you, Alan." "There are women out there that will be nice to you just to get to your money." "Thanks." "But that's not very high on my list of concerns." "I just feel so stupid." "Oh, hey, don't sell yourself short." "I'm sure she was also attracted to your chiseled good looks, youthful stamina, and freakishly large penis." "Thanks." "That makes me feel better." "I'm glad." "Because it makes me feel like hanging myself." "So how'd you leave things with Bridget?" "It's pretty much the same place." "She still wants a divorce." "Oh, I'm sorry." "But she still cares about you." "A lot of people would have used the money she gave Courtney for I don't know, medical insurance, a new car  maybe a college prep tutor for their idiot son." "Well, you can have all those things, Alan." "I can?" "Sure." "You just have to make more money." "Right." "Duh." "Hey, thanks for calling Bridget." "Oh, no problem." "You really had my back." "That's what friends do." "I want you to know you have a home here as long as you want." "Really?" "Because I am looking for a place." "No, I want you to stay." "I like having somebody I can trust." "Well, if it's what you want." "BERTA:" "Oh, son of a bitch." "I knew you'd find a way to weasel your way back in." "I'm out of here." "You're not quitting, are you?" "No, I'm moving back home." "I'll see you Monday." "Well, looks like I get to take my old room back, huh?" "Whatever you want, buddy." "Just make sure the nine-fingered man is gone." "How about that?" "For once, things actually work out well for old Alan." "[LAUGHS THEN COUGHS]" "[COUGHING AND GASPING]" "[IN HOARSE VOICE] Help, help." "91 1." "[English" " US" " SDH]"