"1954." "You don't get years like that anymore." "It was my favorite year." "Look at that Buick!" "See, thas what I'm talking about." "In 1954, a Buick was a Buick." "It didn't look like a Chevy which looks like a Pontiac, which you can't tell apart from an Olds, like today." "This is the way people dressed in 1954." "Smooth, huh?" "In 1954, television was live, and comedy was king." "Comic stars like Milton Berle, Sid Caesar and Jackie Gleason kept America in front of their TVsets." "I was the freshman writer on The Comedy Cavalcade starring Stan "King" Kaiser, Saturday nights at 8:00." "There I am, thas me, Benjy Stone, the guy carrying the guy with the sword." "The guy with the sword is Alan Swann, the greatest movie idol of all times and my personal hero." "That week, Alan Swann was the guest star on The Comedy Cavalcade." "This is where we wrote the show:" "30 Rockefeller Plaza." ""30 Rock," we called it." "Here I was, two years after being asked to leave Brooklyn College and I was earning more money per week than the entire fourth floor of my mother's apartment house on Ocean Parkway in Brooklyn." "Anyway, 1954, the week Alan Swann was the guest star on The Comedy Cavalcade was a major turning point for me." "It changed me." "Hold it!" "Good morning." "Good morning." "Good morning." "Good, huh?" " You talking to me, Sy?" " Look who I'm asking!" " Sorry I'm late, Sy." " The food, give me my food!" "The coffee shop was jammed." ""Fine, thank you, Sy." "And you?" "Really?" "No, I didn't think so."" "What is this, tea?" "I didn't order tea!" "Thas Herb's." "He had the tea and toast." "This is yours, Sy." "Extra large coffee, six sugars toasted bagel, heavy butter, cream cheese, grape jelly." "Wait a minute!" "Where's my crumb cake?" "They were out." "Sidney put in a bear claw." " Alice, what are we seeing?" " Clips from Swann's movies." "Clips from his crap." "Roll them, Herb!" " This is Captain from Tortuga." " Captain from crap!" "This is from Rapture." "You call what Swann does acting?" "Thas not acting." "Thas kissing and jumping and drinking and humping." "I don't know why we're wasting our eyesight on this crap." "Swann's never going to show up anyhow." " They'll find him, Sy." " What happened?" "He landed fine last night." "That much we know." "So, where is he?" "Where else?" "Drinking and humping." "Hello." "Hi." "This is crap!" " That was the best part." " There is no "best part."" "Swann never made a decent movie in his life." "Sy, that one, Defender of the Crown, is a classic." "Crap." " So is Captain from Tortuga." " Crap." " And what about Swords of Glory?" " Crap." " Amarillo?" " Crap." " Sands of the Sudan?" " Crap." "Benjy, you want to see movies, be an usher." "The rest of us are here to write professional show business comedy." "In your case, semi-professional." "Herb, can't you talk to a person like a regular, normal human being?" "No." "Come on." "King wants us to see a run-through of the Boss Hijack sketch." "Hey, Janine, when will you let me get into your box?" "Hey, kid, I read your bullfighter sketch last night." " You liked it?" " Dozed off halfway through it." "Don't get the wrong idea." "Is not that it wasn't funny." " Is that it wasn't funny." " I read that sketch." "I thought it was terrific." "Then maybe you should be head writer, Alice!" " I couldn't take the chance." " What chance?" "That I'd become like you." "Hold it!" "K. C!" "Mr. Silver wants to see Helen's costume for the Three Musketeers sketch." "Now he wants it, when I'm up to my ass here in threads!" "So, les have a quiet dinner tonight." "Danny's Hideaway." "Lil!" "We'll split a Chateaubriand, medium rare." "I got it." "Careful with the tiara, kid." "You break it, you bought it!" "Then, a hansom cab ride through Central Park." "From there we hop over to the Algonquin for a cordial." "We end the night at your place." "What do you think?" "Benjamin, why would I want to go out with you?" "Every time you come near me you embarrass or humiliate me." "What do you want from me?" "Sex." " What is the time?" " I don't know." " Don't you have a watch?" " No, I'm not allowed to wear a watch." "Why not?" "I don't trust them." "Why?" "One hand is shorter than the other." " Hi." " Do you have the time?" "Is 9:25." "Are you late for something?" "Always." "But I'm never quite sure for what." "People!" "I hate to break up the Last Supper, but I wouldn't mind seeing a run-through." "Sorry to tell you this, but King threw out the monologue." "Leo, that monologue was good." "Check that!" "Perfect!" "I wrote it!" " Here's where Sy Benson draws the line!" " Don't do anything crazy." "King has to be taught." "First comes the word and the word was "funny!" The monologue stays, or I go!" " Sy, maybe we can compromise." " No compromise." "Sy Benson has his integrity, his pride!" "King does that monologue word for word, or I walk." "I walk!" "Monologue is in." "Good morning, King." " Hello, Stan." " Yeah, good morning." "King, about the monologue..." "Sy, do you smell something?" "Is coming from the script." "Is your monologue." "What a stink burger!" "K. C!" "Pull!" "Boom!" "I hate it." "Is not funny." "Is out!" "Hey, babe, we're not married to it." "Monologue is out." "Sy Benson, a tower of Jello." "I think I went a too far with Sy just now." "I really hurt his feelings." "I've got to get him something." "Here's $100." "Get him something." "Tires are nice." "Get him a set of tires." "Call my brother in the Bronx, he'll tell you where." "Boss Hijack sketch." "From the top." "K. C?" "Whitewalls." "Whitewalls?" "Here we go." "Roll it." "Five, four, three, two and come in." " Who owns the gray '51 DeSoto?" " The new guy, Harris." "You're parked in Boss Hijack's spot." "You better move." "The Boss has got some temper on him." "How bad can it be?" "You're lucky we're on the second floor." "It slowed him down." "Somebody parked in my spot." "Move your car." "That blackout has got to come a beat sooner." "Screams, I guarantee you screams." "Well, now all we need is another 27 minutes and we got a show this week." "Coming in, Sy." "Herb!" " Is Swann here yet?" " He's on his way." "Alfie went to pick him up and then he's..." "Not here yet, great." "You look real nice today, Alice." "Did you like the shoes I sent you?" "Oh, yeah." "So why did you send them back?" "They were the wrong size." "And they were used." " Come on, roll this thing." " Benjy, lights!" "Is this guy going to be funny?" "He jumps around nice, but is he going to be funny?" "Good God, is Renfield!" "I thought he was dead." "And so he is." "Very good with a sword, though." "Good morrow to you, ladies and gentlemen." "He's plastered." "So are some of the finest erections in Europe." "If I were truly plastered, could I do this?" "Signor Bumbacelli, would you hold my sword?" "We know he can do that." " Is still ticking." " Alfie, what happened?" "To begin with, there was some difficulty at the airport." "Mr. Swann here has been reclassified." " Reclassified?" " Yeah." "As freight." "Oh, boy." "Then Mr. Swann wanted to make a couple of stops." "Alfie, I told you to take him to the Waldorf!" "I've got to slam your brakes on, Mr. Silver." "When I'm driving Mr. Swann, he's chief of the car." "When he says he wants to make some stops Alfie Bumbacelli makes the stops." "And thas what I live by." "At least we've got plenty of time to replace him." "Dump him." "Leo, isn't there some way?" "I mean, the man is a legend." "Stan, what do you think?" "I don't know." "He is a legend." "One of the biggest stars ever." "He's one of a kind." "A guy like this is irreplaceable." " Replace him, Leo." " You can't!" "Too risky." "He's out." "But, King you're right." "This is too risky." "You can't take a chance with something like this." "Look, King, you're a big star now, and I'm sure you always will be." "But suppose, and I know this is never going to happen but suppose someday you wind up like this." "I hope nobody does to you what you're doing to him." "Dump him." "Who are you to talk to me like that?" "You little Jiminy Cricket pest bastard!" "He gets one more chance." " No!" " Yes!" "Yes!" "Yeah, but now you, you're going to be responsible for him." "Swann better be at every rehearsal sober, or is your ass, understand?" "You see, Sy, this kiïs got balls." "A week's salary Swann takes a dive." " Hey, Swann dive." " You're on!" "Double the laïs bet for me, you toad." "All right now, pick a card." "Go ahead." "Any card." "Priscilla, come here." "Now put it back in the deck, anywhere." " How long you working here?" " About a year." " You look real nice today." " Thank you." "Here, write your address down here and put it on my desk." "I'm going to send you some steaks." "Is that your card?" "Yeah, thas my card!" "Mr. Silver, Boss Rojeck and his lawyer are in your office." "Is about the Boss Hijack sketch." " Where are you going?" " With you." " What for?" " To meet Boss Rojeck." "Stan, whas the matter with you?" "You think he's here because he likes the Boss Hijack sketch?" "You think he likes being made a fool out of by you in front of 20 million people every week?" "I don't know." "Stan he's here because he wants us to drop the Boss Hijack sketch." "You think so?" "Les go find out." "All right." " Maybe you better change first." " Why?" "That outfit might set him off." "Mr. Rojeck, sir, I think you've made a wise decision to come here." "I think this gentleman will be able to talk to us about our problem in a mature way." "I'm sure he'll see reason, sir." "There should be no problem whatsoever." " Myron Fein." " I'm Leo Silver." "This is King Kaiser." " What do you say, Myron?" " My client, Karl Rojeck." "Karl?" " Is not "Boss"?" " Stan!" "Gentlemen." "We'll all be sitting now, Mr. Rojeck." "I'm sure we're all aware that my client, Mr. Rojeck, is one of the most respected labor leaders in America today." " Thas why they subpoenaed him." " Stan!" "Mr. Kaiser, a subpoena is not an indictment." "Now, it has come to our attention that on two separate occasions, September 4, 1954 and September 18, 1954 a character referred to as "Boss Hijack" was portrayed in your TV program." "We feel that this character, to a great degree, is based upon my client." "Thas you, Karl." "According to our lawyers, your client is public figure, and as such has already forfeited certain rights of privacy." "Granted." "However, even though Mr. Rojeck concedes that he feels the portrayal of said character is slanderous and defamatory and done with malicious intent." "Therefore abrogating the public figure defense and rendering it to wit, actionable." "Did you say that, Karl?" "What a guy!" "Thas it!" "I want to clear some things up here." "This is a stupid show." "That is a stupid suit!" "And I don't want to see it no more." "Take it easy, Karl." "I mean, if you really don't want to see it no more then don't watch!" " Stan!" "Let me explain something to you, Karl." "We're going to keep on doing this sketch." "You know why?" "Because is funny." "And in my business, you never cut funny." "Funny?" "Let me tell you about the business I'm in." "I'm in the removal business." "If I were to feel that this stupid thing, from this stupid show was bothering me I'd remove it." "Is gone, and I feel good." "Thas how the removal business works." "Do I make myself clear?" "I think everyone understands, Mr. Rojeck." "I'm not clear about a couple of things." "What you're saying is that in this removal business if something bothers you, like say, this." " Then you remove it." " Stan, that is a cashmere coat." " Like that." " Stan!" "You know, you're right." "I do feel better." "I like the removal business." "I want you." "Come on." "Come and get me." "Come on!" "Thas enough!" "The fighting is in rounds." "This is Round 1." "So the first time I drive him is right before the war, 1938." " That makes it 16 years." " Yeah, we go way back." "You drive anyone else?" "Sure, but when Mr. Swann's in town, I drop everything." "Upstairs, boys, all right?" "Wonderful to be alive." "Make sure he doesn't fall." "What is our estimated time of arrival?" "Go ahead and lash me, you swine!" "You'll not loosen my tongue!" "Thas from Captain From Tortuga!" "Excuse me." "Had this made especially for travel." "Calls it his "drunk suit."" "I'll have to remind him to work on some "tear away" shoes." "Good idea." "My God, I'm blind." "I cannot see!" "Help me get him into the tub." "I got him." "This is probably more than $35 a night." "Try $250." "$250 a night?" "Well, whas that mean to a guy like Alan Swann?" "Nothing." "When you ain't got nothing, it don't mean nothing." "What are you talking about?" "You're looking at tap city in there." "Thas his stockpile." "Grab them, will you?" "These must be his drinking socks." "Who's this?" "Thas Tess, his daughter." "I didn't know he had a daughter." " Where is she?" " She's in Connecticut." "He always has one secret bottle hidden somewhere for emergencies." "We got them all now." "That guy never actually shot him." "They were supposed to have this duel." "And, I think it was over that Perón dame." "Anyhow, they both showed up drunk." "Swann sort of shot himself." "Alfredo, my dear old chum." "How in the name of God did I get here?" "Begin at the airport." "This is Benjy Stone, a writer from The Comedy Cavalcade." "How do you do?" "Alfredo, we should pop in and see these people." "Plenty of time tomorrow, Mr. Swann." "Since this is your first time working in TV I'm to stay with you and help you over the rough spots." "Like showing up?" "Thas one." "Another is not passing out." "An honest one." "Signor Bumbacelli, we'll be two for dinner." "Telephone the Stork Club." " You sure you mean the Stork Club?" " Certainly." "Is been a year and a half." "Surely they've repaired the wall and the bandstand by now." "Would you like to talk about the sketch before you leave?" "On an empty stomach?" "No." "We'll talk over dinner." "Me?" "You?" "The Stork Club?" "After that eloquent speech you made earlier this morning I didn't think you'd mind having dinner with me." "You heard that?" "But you were out." "There's out, and there's out." "Stone, what sort of heroic idiot am I this time?" " A musketeer idiot." " I read that on the airplane." "Very funny, very good." " I wrote that." " Did you?" "Bravo, Stone." "Bravo." "Okay, Mr. Swann, table for two at the Stork Club." "Les move it." "Comedy is such a mystery to me." " I feel the way Edmund Kean did." " The great English actor." "On his deathbed, Kean was asked how he felt." "He answered, "Dying is easy..." "Mr. Swann, is a pleasure to see you, sir." "Is a pleasure to be seen." "Benjamin Stone, my colleague." "Alan, you look absolutely marvelous." " As do you." " We must talk." "Thank you." "Mr. Swann." "Alan, good to see you." " Call me, will you?" " Surely." "I'll call you." " Welcome back, Mr. Swann." " Curt." "Can I get you something?" "Perhaps." "Curt who is that gorgeous-looking creature over there?" "No, Mr. Swann, this is exactly the way it started last time." "In that case, we'll just order dinner." "For now." "Victoria was the one I should have married." "Apart from being the finest actress I've worked with she was the most gracious and intelligent woman I've ever known." "Was it true the two of you lived together while you were filming Rapture?" "Lord knows, I was married to almost all her friends." "Why did you marry so many of them?" "Stone, I didn't marry any of them." "They married me." "Excuse me, Mr. Swann." "I'm Alvin Horn." "My wife Ann and I are celebrating our 40th anniversary." "Congratulations, you certainly have more staying power than I." "It would mean so much to her if you could stop on your way out and just say hello." "Why wait?" "Lead me to the fair Ann." "Stone, in a few minutes I shall require a diversion." "Mr. Swann, my wife Ann." "Mr. Horn, may I have this dance with your beautiful wife?" "Of course." "Is it always like this?" "Somebody stole my girl!" "To the question:" ""What were you doing naked in Central Park, in Bethesda Fountain..." ""...at 3:00 in the morning?"" "Swann replied, "The backstroke."" "Now is this your idea of watching him, Benjy?" "The police are treating it as a parking ticket." " Is no big deal." " No big deal?" "We got kids watching the show." "We're talking generations to come." "We're discussing morals here." "You're not qualified to discuss morals, Sy." "Up your hole with a mello roll, Alice." "And yours, too, Herb." "Leo, it gets me sick we got to put up with a washed-up guy running around with his schlong hanging out." "My dear fellow, what I choose to do with my schlong is my business." "How's business?" "Never better." "Stone, good morning." " Good morning." " Good morning, all." "'Morning." "'Morning." " Good morning." " 'Morning." "When King gets here, we'll read through the musketeer sketch." "My assistant, K.C. Downing, Mr. Swann." " How do you do?" " Hello." "If there's anything you need, I can take care of it." "Anything?" "Within reason..." "Les begin with some tea, and see where that leads us." "Do you drink bags?" " I mean, are these okay?" "Tea bags?" " I'm sure they're fine." "Good morning, Mr. Kaiser." "What do you say?" "Leo!" "And, good morning, Mr. Swann." "So where's the musketeer set?" "It isn't here." "Thas where it is." "And they won't deliver it." "Rojeck did it." "Now are you happy?" "Rojeck?" "I got a great idea:" "Les drop the Boss Hijack sketch this week." "You get me that set." "I want that set." "I don't care if you must rent trucks, find drivers, get that set!" "Build a set!" "Steal a set!" "I don't care!" "Nobody's going to tell King Kaiser that..." "Okay, I'm going to go back there, and get my script and then I'll come back." "We'll read through, and then we'll work out the set problem." "Okay, Leo?" "Okay, everybody, les take ten minutes." "Cavalcade." "Benjy Stone!" "Telephone." " Hello." " Benjamin, darling." "Ma, did you watch the show Saturday night?" "No, we watched wrestling instead." "Of course I saw the show." "Well?" "What else?" "It was brilliant, darling." "Just one thing:" "Who is this "Benjy Stone"?" "Ma, don't start in." "Do you think..." "Will I ever see the name Benjamin Steinberg, a real name go by King Kaiser's face one day?" "Look who's talking, Mrs. Belle Carioco." "Carroca." "Carroca." "Carroca!" "Carroca!" "Rookie, shush." "See, now you upset your stepfather." "Ma, could you just call him "Rookie," and not my stepfather all the time?" "Benjamin, darling..." "Rookie, dust!" "Before your beloved father passed away, and eventually died he said to me, "Belle..." ""...after I go, get someone to be with." "Someone nice."" ""A pal."" "So you went out and found a Filipino bantamweight named Rookie Carroca?" "Rookie Carroca, who held the title for well over six months..." "Until Manny Serpa turned him into guava jelly at the Garden." "Serpa butted him!" "I'll fight Serpa today, and take him apart." "Do you hear what you started here?" " Ma?" " What!" "Was there a reason you called?" "Only to remind you that you're coming here for dinner tomorrow night." "No, Ma, I can't make it." "Alan Swann is on the show and they made me his keeper." " Alan Swann from the movies?" " Yes." "Rookie, Alan Swann, from the movies." "So bring him along." "Bring Alan Swann to Brooklyn?" "Why not?" "What are you ashamed of?" "Everything!" "Benjamin, when you get here, be nice to my Rookie." "He likes you." "Yeah, and I like him." "I tell you what, I'll bring him a present." "Does he need a new machete?" "Eyes is always in the eyes." "You." "I would like a word with you." "Benjamin, we're in the middle of an interesting conversation here." "I bet is really interesting." "Whas the subject of this interesting conversation?" "These eyes." "They're Merle Oberon's eyes." "Merle Oberon's?" "Whas Merle doing for eyes, using Katherine Hepburn's?" "Excuse me, Alan." "Excuse me, Alan." "Benjamin, what is the matter with you?" "Me?" "If you're going to fall for every star who comes on the show, what kind of a future will we have?" "The same as we have now." "None!" "Wait." "Give her a head start." "It gives her the illusion she's being chased." "These cans say "crushed."" "Where the hell are the pineapple girls?" "I'm sorry." "I acted like a jerk." "You're being too easy on yourself." "And where did you get the idea that we have a future?" " We have an understanding." " What understanding?" "That I'm hopelessly in love with you, and you couldn't care less." "Yeah, you could say that." "Maybe this will change your mind." "This belonged to my grandmother." "I want you to have it." "Benjamin, I can't take that." "Fine." "How about a car?" " Benjamin, the ring." " It was glass." "Sanctuary!" " Sanctuary." " Sanctuary, my ass!" "I'm sorry." "There was an explosion in the men's room." "Benjamin, will you get out of here?" "Not until you tell me what was going on between you and Swann." " Look, get out of here." " Hey, I'm in here!" " Wait, I was saving this for later." " What are you doing?" " What is he doing?" " I'm proposing." "What?" "I propose that we live together, and if we like it we get married." "Say "yes."" "Oh, God!" "If thas too tough, nod your head." " Will you get the hell out?" " Give me a word." "A sign." "A sound." " Thas not the sound I was looking for." " The hell with it." "I'm coming out now!" "Stone." "Time for lunch?" "Just going to the lavatory." "This is for ladies only!" "And so is this." "But every now and again, I have to run a little water through it." "No, Stone, I insist." "Lunch is on me." " I got it." " Thoughtful." "Stone, I want you to know that this morning I'd no idea that I was in the process of inserting myself into an arrangement between you and Miss Downing." " Would it have made any difference?" " No." "Are you in love with the girl?" "I think I am." " I don't know what she wants." " Romance, Stone." "Thas the only thing we can be sure they all want." "I never met anyone like her." "She never met anyone like you." "Use that." "Cultivate it." "Right there is where I lost you." "Stone, women love to be intrigued." "They enjoy unraveling the mystery that is man." "But you must allow them to discover you." " Is that what you do?" " No." "I don't have that luxury." "The women interested in me know exactly who I am and what they want, and 9 times out of 10 they get it." " Thas some curse." " You'd be surprised." "You see, no matter what I do, I can never fulfill their expectations." "Could I..." "Could I have..." "So, this is the Benjy Stone version of "dinner and a movie."" "Doesn't Sy's office take on a different feeling at night?" "Yeah, it gets worse." "Okay." "Here we go." "These are all dim sum, Chinese dumplings." "These are pan-fried." "Those are steamed." "They're good just with vinegar." "Chili sauce." "Stay away from this baby." "A couple of drops of this, your tongue dials the fire department." "You know how to use these?" "To make a sweater, yes." "Okay." "I'll show you." "Balance is everything." "One goes there, the other one on top like that." "Now." "Do exactly as I do." "Dim sum are too hard to eat with chopsticks." "Don't make yourself crazy." "Okay." "You really know this stuff!" "Katherine, Jews know two things:" "Suffering and where to find great Chinese food." "What?" "Too loud?" "What?" "No, is just, is really nice." "You're just sitting there, having your dinner wearing men's clothing." "Sort of." "I mean, I really like this guy." "I like this guy much better than the other guy." "What other guy?" "The guy in the tiara." "The mosquito who bothers you in elevators." "The person who runs around with Scotch tape over his body." "The human fly." "Do not think..." "No, I was just going to say:" "Do you think there are funny people and not funny people?" "Yes, definitely." "On the funny side, the Marx Brothers, except Zeppo the Ritz Brothers, no exceptions, both Laurel and Hardy and Woody Woodpecker." "On the un-funny side, there is anybody who has ever played the accordion professionally." "And me." "Everybody who works here is funny, except me." " No, you're funny." " Really?" "When?" "I'm sure you could be funny." "How?" "You can tell a joke." "Anyone can tell a joke." "Not me." "Yes, you can." "I'll teach you." "I'll tell you a joke, and you tell it back to me." "Okay?" "Okay, I'll try." "First rule:" "Never tell a joke sitting down." "You have to be on your feet." "And use your hands." "This guy walks into a psychiatriss office." "He has a duck on his head." "The psychiatrist says, "Can I help you?"" "The duck says, "Yeah, get this guy off my ass."" "Okay, now you try." "Okay." "Here it goes." " A man..." " Hold it!" ""This guy." Is better than "a man."" " Okay." " Sorry." "And use your hands." "Sorry, go ahead." "This guy walks into a doctor's office..." "Psychiatrist." "Right, okay." "I got it." "This guy walks into a psychiatriss office, wearing a duck." "What?" "Wearing a duck?" "No." "He has a duck on his head." " I told you I wasn't very good at this." " Is my fault." "Is good." "Okay." "This guy walks into a psychiatriss office with a duck on his head and the guy says to the psychiatrist:" ""Will you help me because I have a duck on my head?"" "What is that for?" "Accordion lessons." "Well, that ends the dinner portion for the evening." "And now, is time for the movie portion." " Lord Drummond!" " Lord Drummond!" "If it would put you at ease, I could turn my back again." "You will this day, taste my steel." "Then leave us not dally, Drummond for today I have an engagement to mount the throne of England." " Over my dead body!" " Quiet!" " As you wish." " Are you going to keep doing this?" "As you wish." "Sir John!" "Benjamin!" "I guess this is the kissing portion of the evening." ""I am arrogant" " "He's arrogant, he's arrogant - "And I am Porthole" " "He's Porthole, he's Porthole - "And I am Swann" ""He's Swann, he's Swann"" ""Is one for all and all for one One for you and tea for two"" "Break it up!" "Everybody." "Hold it!" "Wait." "I want to say something." "Alan I want to tell you, I was a little worried about you." "Only a little?" "I would have thought my reputation warranted major concern." "Yeah, you're right." "I was going to dump you." "But I'm glad I didn't, because..." "Well I've seen all your films and I'm a fan." "And here we are, working together and is been nice because you're funny." "You're really funny." "Praise indeed, sire." "May I say that other than one remarkable season with an English repertory company, this is the most fun and the hardest work I've done since the world was young." "Thas great." "Really." "But, one other thing:" "You're going to show up tomorrow, right?" " Right, Swann?" " Right, Porthole." "Now, I must take leave of you, for Stone and I journey to dine in some far-off land called Brooklyn." "Well, thas it." "Big day tomorrow." "Show day!" "Have a good night." " See you at 10:00 a.m." " Goodnight." " Goodnight, Lou." " Take it easy, Eddie." "Nice work today." "Do it that good on the show tomorrow." "You all right?" "Is all right." "Is no problem." "Is nothing." "A thing fell, is nothing." "Really, go home." " You're okay?" " I'm okay." "I want you to get some rest." "Everybody go home." "I'm all right." "Come on, les go home." "My God!" "Is an accident, Leo." "Rojeck!" "Thas it!" "I'm not going to let you do the Boss Hijack sketch!" "Is an accident, Leo." "An accident, and we're doing the Boss Hijack sketch." " Stan!" " Leo!" "Thanks for caring." "By the by, Stone, where is this Brooklyn?" "Another world." "Uncle Morty, how odd to find you here." "I just caught the 7:45 elevator down from six." "I assume Aunt Sadie is here also?" "Not yet, but she'll be." "Uncle Morty, say hello to Alan Swann." "I didn't catch the name." "Alan Swann." "Rookie Carioca." "Carroca!" "There was a lethal bantamweight called Carroca." "You're looking at him." "I saw you fight in San Diego." " Sailor Donovan?" " Right." " Took him out in three." " Two." "Who knew the Chinaman was a fighter?" "To me he doesn't open a mouth." "Still in the fight game?" "In a way." "I married Benjy's mother." "Benjamin, darling, how wonderful to have you to home." "I got to get back to my meatloaf." "Mr. Swann, may I present my mother." "Mrs. Belle Mae Steinberg Carroca of Brooklyn, New York and Miami Beach, Florida, for two weeks, each and every winter." "Benjamin, why didn't you tell me your mother was so lovely?" " For me?" " No, for me." " Mr. Swann..." " Alan, please." "What may I call you?" "How about "yours"?" "Alan, on behalf of everyone, I would like to welcome you to our humble chapeau." "Two years at the Sorbonne, she still gets it wrong." "Al?" " Ma!" " What?" "Is not "Al."" "If I bring Capone, or Jolson, then is "Al."" "Jolson's coming?" "Alan, I want you to feel perfectly free to do what ever you would normally do in your own apartment." "Something to drink before dinner?" "Some soda water?" "Rookie, a glass of seltzer!" " Pick it up!" " Excuse me." "Sorry." "Excuse me, Mr. Swann." "I hate to impose." " I wonder if you would mind signing..." " An autograph?" "Certainly." "If you don't mind, make it to Sadie and Morty Kronsky." "Thas with a "K." The rest is the way is usually spelled." "Thas probably Aunt Sadie." "Why don't you go open the door for your wife?" "Thank you, Mr. Swann." "Alan." " Thank you." " Your seltzer." " A little liver?" " No, thank you." "Sadie, you look beautiful." "What a lovely dress." "You like it?" "I only wore it once." "Come and get it!" "Dinner is served." "Rookie, your Meatloaf Mindanao was superb." " Thanks, that takes two days to prepare." " Really?" "Tell me, what was that rather pungent taste?" "Parrot." "And they're not easy to work with." "They put up some squawk." "I can imagine." "What was that dish?" "Filipino pork and beans." "Where was the pork?" "You can't." "There are Jews here!" "So, I guess if you want to be technical..." "Whas the difference?" "So Mr. Swann now that we sat nice, broke bread together, shared wine I feel I know you a little." "Morty, I feel I know you even better." "Good." "Then you won't mind if I ask you a question." "Uncle Morty!" "What are you worried?" "Is not personal." "What was I, born in Minsk or Pinsk?" "I know my way around." "Morty, ask your question." "That paternity rap a couple of years ago..." " Did you schtup her?" " Morty!" "Did you go all the way?" " Uncle Morty!" " What!" "What do you want?" "Is all right." "Morty I hope this doesn't lessen your opinion of me, but the answer is "no."" "You see people like me, we're targets." "I'm blamed for a lot of things I had nothing to do with." "On the other hand, because of who I am I get away with murder in other areas." "I suppose it all balances out in the end." " Does it really, Swannee?" " Ma, he's an actor, not a river." "Swannee can I talk frank to you?" "Certainly, Belle." "Take a good look here." "This is good!" "Sitting around with people you love." "Some you just like." "Others you could live without, excuse me." "Sharing stories." "Sharing warmth." "This is real life, Alan." "And this is what you need." "A home, and a family and children." "Hey, who knows?" "Unfortunately, Belle, that part of my life hasn't worked out too well." "Though I did produce a perfectly glorious little child." "Her name is Tess." "See?" "You're a daddy, and this I didn't even know." "So where is she?" "She lives with her mother in Connecticut." "I haven't seen her in over a year." "A year?" "Shame on you, Swannee." "Yes, you're right, Belle." "Shame on me, indeed." "Well, time to go." "What a divine evening." "We must do this again, real soon." "Say, at the turn of the century?" "Rookie." " Sadie, Morty." " Goodbye, Mr. Swann." "Belle." "Alan." "Mr. And Mrs. Kessler, apartment 4B." "God bless you, Mr. Swann." "Mr. And Mrs. Berkowitz, apartment 2A." "We love you." "Nathan and Lily Cantor." "Second floor front." "Is a pleasure to have you here." "Scalfoni, 1I, you're the best." " How did you get into the building?" " I'm the super!" "Dr. Bumbacelli, my medication." "Your medication." "Mr. Swann, big day tomorrow." "Show day." " I'm supposed to watch you." " Good." "Watch this." "Want to see it again?" "Stone, you can either watch me, or join me." " One of them is more fun." " You were a hit in Brooklyn." "Want to try the Bronx next?" "No. 1030 Park Avenue." "The Downings'." "Please, no." "Les not go there." " Why are we going there?" " Why?" "To reweave the fabric of your relationship with the fair K.C." " This surprise visit should do it." " I don't think so, Mr. Swann." "K.C. Downings' parents are having a big party." "They're not going to let us in that building." "Excellent." "Ever done any mountaineering?" "Now all we have to do is to get from here to there." "It won't work." "It worked perfectly well in A Slight Case of Divorce." "That was a movie." "This is real life!" "What is the difference?" "Oh, no." "Is stuck." "What we need is something like a rope." "Les not do this." "Stone!" "I've done it 100 times." "Was that a stuntman?" "Perfect." "Wait a minute." "Les go back the way we came and go through her front door." "Dull!" "Boring!" "Old hat!" "Stone, the cardinal rule:" "They always love a big entrance." "I assure you." "Does anybody die in these movies?" "Die?" "Of course not." "Is just fun!" "Fun?" " Fun!" " He thinks this is fun!" "I'm going down now." "When I arrive, I shall hold the rope taut and you can just shimmy down." "I'm not shimmying down anything!" "Is too dangerous." "Nonsense!" "Not when you've been instructed by Niblick." "Who the hell is Niblick?" "Niblick is my Sherpa guide from the Himalayas." "The Himalayas!" "Look, there's the door." "Come on!" "Les go give it a try." "Is open!" "My God!" "I killed him!" "I'm supposed to take care of him, and I killed him!" "Oh, God!" "The bond issue is a fraud." "The company went bankrupt." "They looked solid, but went belly-up." "Excuse me, have you seen that film Defender of the Crown?" "Just like that!" "Defender of the Crown, you seen it?" "Starring, whas that guy's name, Alan..." " Swann." " Yeah!" "Alan Swann!" "Bill, I think Alan Swann is beneath us." "Of course he's beneath us." "He's an actor." "No, I think Alan Swann's beneath us, now!" "Look!" "Harry, get the hell out here." "Alan Swann is hanging on something from the roof." " Pull!" " Pull him up!" "Good evening, do you have a light?" "Help me!" "Terrace?" "Well done." "We've just dropped in to see the Downings." "There are no Downings here." "No Downings here?" "The Downings are downstairs, on 14." "Close, Stone." "Very close." "Mr. Swann, I think I'm going to be unwell." "Stone, ladies are unwell." "Gentlemen vomit." "Alfredo, you needn't wait." "We shan't need the car anymore." "We're going to throw up in the park and then walk home." "Mr. Swann, may I tell you something?" "Benjy Stone is not who he seems to be." "Who is, Stone, who is?" "But I'm not even Benjy Stone." "I'm Benjamin Steinberg." "I changed my name because I thought it wouldn't look good on the screen." "I'm a phony." "Because you changed your name?" "Whas in a name?" "A rose by any other name would wither and die." "I'll give you a name:" "Clarence Duffy." "Clarence Duffy?" "Who's Clarence Duffy?" "Just a young man from the West of Scotland middle class, Irish descent who's father was a grammar school teacher." "His mother looked after her garden, her husband and her only son." "At the age of 18, he joins the navy." "One year later he jumps ship in Liverpool, has notions of becoming an actor." "Finishes up in English "B" movies." "Six months later, Lou Goldmark of Paramount Studios announces his find." "A dashing, new English actor to star in Paramouns next big adventure film:" "Swords of Glory." " Clarence Duffy." " One and the same." " Then you're not Alan Swann." " Yes, I am." "You're the only living soul who knows it." "It dies with me, Clarence." "You're an actor." "Actors are supposed to make up names." "Is not just making up a name, Stoneberg." "The studio made up an entire life for me, and I let them do it." "Now I can't tell where the bogus one ends, and the real one begins." "Nothing about me is what it seems to be." "Even the reason I'm doing your Comedy Cavalcade program is not because I wanted to." "Is a deal I made with my new partner, the Internal Revenue Service." "If I do the show and give them half the proceeds they promise not to throw me out of the country." "That dies with me, too, Duff." "Tonight, your mother said, "Shame on you," and she was right." "I'm fed up with people letting me get away with things, and everybody does." "My friends, my agent, my manager my doctors, my former wives, even my daughter." "Haven't we walked enough for one night?" " No, no!" " The horse, Stoneberg." "You'll get 30 years for this!" "Hey!" "No!" "Tess." "Who's Tess?" "Tess is his daughter." "Tess is his daughter in Connecticut." "He went to Connecticut on the day of the show." "That bastard went to Connecticut!" "He's in another goddamn state!" "I got to go down to the show and tell Leo, so he can fire me." "I'm a dead man." "I can't go like this." "I have to get dressed." "Take me back." "Great." "Air day and our guest star is no show." "Hey, Leo." "He's on the cover of TV Guide this week." "Leo!" "Why is this sketch in here?" "We did this last week." "But is right in here, in my script." "Now, why, Leo?" "Why is it in my script?" "That is last week's script." "Thas why is in here." "And now you'll find this week's script in your dressing room, Stan." " Thas good." "Thas good, Leo." " Okay." "They're not serving tongue at lunch today, are they, Leo?" "No tongue on show day." "Twice they served tongue on show day, twice the opening sketch died." "No tongue, get it?" "No tongue!" "Tongue death." "Benjy, you were supposed to be watching Swann." "I was." "I even stayed in his suite last night." "But when I woke up today he was gone." "He said he was going to see Tess." "Irish dame." "Figures." "They love their booze." " She's 12." " Fine, now we can throw in statutory rape." "Tess happens to be his daughter." "Alfie, where is he?" "In his dressing room." " Drunk!" " He's taking a nap." "I'm going to see what kind of a nap." " I don't think so." " Better let him rest." "He's got to be ready for a run-through in an hour." " Can he make it?" " He'll make it." "I know is none of my business, but, could you tell them to go easy on him?" "It ain't been his best day." "Okay." " Is he okay?" " He's all right." "You should have seen her." "12, and already a heartbreaker." "What did he say to her?" "He never got out of the car." "And he didn't say another word for 86.4 miles." "I clocked him." "I didn't look in the rearview, neither." "I gave him his privacy." "All right, we open on a tight to King and Cubby." "And then we widen out." "Get set to open the house." "Fifteen minutes, everyone." "How you doing, Alan?" "I don't want you to worry about a thing." "Bad rehearsal, good show." "We got a great cast, we got a great crew, and it always works." "Just remember, we'll have fun, right?" "And you!" "You look great." " What is he wearing this for?" " The musketeer sketch." "Are you in the right outfit?" "I am." "Then what am I doing in this?" "I don't know." "Well, which sketch is first?" "The first sketch that I'm in is the musketeer sketch." "I'm in that, too." "Okay, I'm in the wrong outfit." "And look how I find out." "I find out from this guy." "Who are the geniuses who are supposed to tell me which sketch comes first on my show and which outfit I'm supposed to be in?" "Where are they?" "Somebody tell me which sketch comes first!" "Wardrobe!" "Lil!" "Listen to this." "He thinks he's in the wrong costume." "Every week, same thing." "He's so crazy." "God." "Somebody help me with my costume!" " Take it off, come on, take it off." " No!" "Leave me alone!" " The Hijack sketch comes first!" " Which one?" "The Hijack sketch." "It comes first." "I knew it." "I knew it, Leo." "Don't worry about a thing, pal." "I knew it." "Good." "Good." "California?" "You can't write comedy in California." "Is not depressing enough." "You look great." "How do you feel?" "I feel surprisingly well, Stone." "Thank you." "So well that I'm going to make a prediction." "Usually it takes me two or three takes to warm up." "But tonight we'll get it on the first take." "We always get it on the first take." "We have to." "You do?" " Sure, this is live television." " Live?" "Live?" "What does "live" mean?" "It means at the exact moment you're cavorting and leaping around that stage, 20 million people are seeing it." "Wait a minute." " Wait a minute." " Mr. Swann, you're white." "You mean it all goes into the camera lens and then just spills out into people's houses?" "Yeah." "Why is it nobody explained this to me?" "Is nothing to worry about, Mr. Swann." "Our audiences are great." "What audience?" "You knew." "What did you think those seats were for?" "I haven't performed in front of an audience for 28 years." "Audience?" "I played a butler." "I had one line!" " I forgot it." " Don't worry." "This is easy." "For you, maybe." "Not for me." "I'm not an actor." "I'm a movie star." "Five minutes to air." "Ready for the Boss Hijack sketch." " Shut up!" " You can do it." "I need time to think." "I need time to think." "Holy Mother." " I need time to think." " Is that "think," or "drink"?" "Yes!" "He's got the jitters." "Ladies and gentlemen, a second ago Alan Swann had a full-fledged anxiety attack." "An inch away from a complete nervous breakdown and he has the nerve to describe it as the jitters." " What are you doing?" " Drinking and leaving." "The musketeer sketch is on after the Hijack sketch." "I'm not doing the muscatel sketch." " The musketeer sketch." " I'm not doing either." "Wasn't that Alan Swann leaving?" "Obviously, he's still in the throes of the jitters." " Get out of my way, Sy." " Not until you pay up." "Benjy, what happened?" "Swann's gone." "Can't speak." "Talk later." "You little smart ass, son of a bitch, bastard!" "You're through here!" "I'm telling King!" "Sy!" "Where is K. C?" "Everything okay?" "Good." "Thank you, Harmonaires." "This is places, people." "Come on, les hurry up." "Dancers, opening dancers." "You should be in your starting places." "Hurry along." "Who are you?" "Yeah, Phil somebody, right?" "I know you." "You're doing a good job, Phil." "Sy, I'm sorry." "Help!" "We need some help here." "Look, Sy, you shouldn't sneak up on a guy like that." "I know you can't hear me, pal." "But when you wake up, I'll give you a nice raise." "Get him some first aid." "What a putz." "Terrible, terrible." "Alfredo!" "Alfredo." "You're not Alfredo!" "Mr. Swann." "My God, is Stoneberger!" "Will you let me alone?" " As soon as you finish the show." " I'm not doing it." "I want to go to the Waldorf!" "You have to, if you don't they'll deport you." "It doesn't matter." "Thas a sad sight." "You're a sadder sight." "All you end up doing is making anyone who cares for you unhappy." "You know what they say about me?" "You can depend on Alan Swann." "He will always let you down." "Did you tell Tess that?" "Thas right." "You couldn't get out of the car." "Alfie, take this bum to the Waldorf." "Ladies, ladies, les go." "Nancy, you have a nice show." "Sy, didn't I tell you not to sneak up..." " Mr. Rojeck wanted you to have that." " And that." "We have ten seconds to go." "Nine, eight, seven, six..." "This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company." "Cue music." "Ready one." "Up, ready two." " Cue announce." " Two!" "Ladies and gentlemen, it is Saturday night at 8:00." "The National Broadcasting Company presents The Comedy Cavalcade!" "Starring King Kaiser." "With his special guest star, Alan Swann!" "Roll film!" "Take it!" "When you eat lunch too quickly, as this fellow had and you're apt to be cranky, because your stomach feels bad." "Stone." "I'm afraid." "I'm afraid." "Thas why I couldn't get out of the car to see my Tess." "My child." "Alan Swann, afraid?" "Defender of the Crown?" "Captain from Tortuga?" "The Last Knight of the Round Table?" "Those are movies, damn you!" "Look at me!" "I'm flesh and blood!" "Life-size, no larger!" "I'm not that silly, goddamned hero." "I never was." "To me, you were!" "Whoever you were in those movies those silly, goddamn heroes meant a lot to me." "What does it matter if it was an illusion?" "It worked." "So don't tell me this is you, "life-size."" "I can't use you "life-size."" "I need Alan Swanns as big as I can get them." "And let me tell you something:" "You couldn't have convinced me the way you did unless somewhere in you, you had that courage." "Nobody is that good of an actor." "You are that silly, goddamn hero." "Calm down, back here." "We're on the air!" "Come back, go get some help." "You're fired!" "Boss Hijack!" "Who owns the gray '51 DeSoto?" "The new guy, Harris." "You parked in Boss Hijack's spot." "Better move." "What the hell is that?" "Help!" "You're lucky we're on the second floor." "It slowed him down." "You're very lucky we're on the second floor." "It really slowed him down." "One." "Where's King?" "Cue King." "Cue him!" "Well, whas it going to do?" "Slow him down." "Holy Jesus." " One!" " What is it?" "Whas happening?" "Don't come in here." "Three!" "Two!" "One." "What the hell is happening?" "What the hell is happening?" "Rojeck's men are killing King." "What is Swann doing in the balcony?" "Get a light on him!" " In the balcony, he's in the balcony." " Three, good!" "Mortals!" "Will you hold my sword?" "Loosen up on three." "And three." "God, this makes me happy." "Do as I told you." "What took you so long?" "Ladies and gentlemen:" "Alan Swann." "Two." "And one." "Two." "The way you see him here, like this this is the way I like to remember him." "I think if you had asked Alan Swann what was the single most gratifying moment in his life he might have said this one, right here." "The next day, I drove up to Connecticut with him and Alfie." "This time he knocked on the door." "And when he and Tess saw each other, it was like they'd never been apart." "Like Alfie says, "With Swann you forgive a lot, you know?"" "I know."