"I am one of the last of my kind." "Those who came before me, ruled the world." "Everyday, I carry on their proud legacy." "I open the door for a lady, but I am not a doorman." "I protect fellow citizens... but I am not a policeman." "I put out cigarettes... but I am not a cigarette putter-outer... man." "I... am a gentleman." "Oop." "That was close." "Jerry, hey." "Never miss." "Andrew, I've got some good news." "The magazin's been sold." "When a gentleman receives bad news, he is never at a loss for words." "What?" "Yep." "New owners are changing the entire format." "No more urbane and upscale." "We're going young and sexy;" "be women in thongs, articles about abs." "Yep, they want to expand the readership by targeting people who don't read." "This is insane." "How are you taking this so well?" "Simple." "I'm faking it." "Look, this is unacceptable." "You're the editor." "We should both walk in there right now and tell them we are not changing a thing." "I was thinking about doing that," "I'm 50." "So I decided that I'm actually very, very excited about the new direction." "As is Cody." "Who is Cody?" "Cody is my new boss." "Who, by the way, is the same age as my son." "It's so great!" "What do they expect me to do, betray my core ideals and churn out mindless drivel for the lowest common denominator?" "That'd be great." "You're catching on to this much faster than I thought you would." "Your "How to be a Gentleman" is just too tame." "So, Cody would like a sexier angle." "I can't believe this." "I feel like my whole world is falling apart." "Oh, that's cause it is." "Happy birthday, honey." "Oh, isn't it great, spending your birthday with your family?" "Yes, Mom, it is perfect." "Perfect situation to wear a vest, hmm?" "Ah..." "I read your column, Andrew." "I wanted to wear a vest, but my wife pooh-poohed the idea." "I'm sorry." "I still want to be attracted to you." "Call me crazy." "You really want to be like my brother?" "Look at him." "He's spending his birthday with us because he has no friends." "I'll be your friend, Andrew." "We could be "vest friends."" "Honey, you're doing it again." "What's that?" "Talking." "Oh, I love hearing you say words, Mike." "Oh, remember the time you said chimichanga?" "We laughed!" "Look, I love you, but you're fussy, you talk weird and you dress like a ship captain." "Oh." "Is this my birthday present from you?" "'Cause you gave me a huge basket of bitchiness last year, too." "Well, I'm just looking out for you, like I always have." "Oh, like when I was in third grade and you walked into my homeroom on the first day of school and said," ""Don't beat up my little brother." "He's very weak and has no peripheral vision."" "He gets that from me." "I literally can't see this." "See that?" "I can." "But nothing." "Look, doofus, you're so smart and good and kind, but the world doesn't know that because they can't see past your brass buttons." "My uncle had a brass eyeball." "Kept it under a patch, so it was all, it's all legit." "Peek-a-boo was quite traumatic." "Ah!" "What is it?" "Dude, you drive people away." "That's why Lauren dumped you." "Lauren did not dump me." "I released her at her request." "Her loss, our gain, Andrew." "Plus, I'm sure there's a nice girl out there that would love to date a lonely ship captain." "I think it's time for birthday presents." "Yeah, birthday presents." "Thank you." "This is from me and Mike." "It's a gift certificate for a training session at a gym." "Well, that was fun." "A gentleman always uses a gift, even if he doesn't like it... or the musty place he has to go to redeem it." "Hi." "I have a gift certificate for a training session..." "Excuse me..." "Andrew Carlson?" "Yeah." "Dead arm!" "Bert Lansing From high school!" "Huh?" "Me and my buddies used to dead arm you all the time." "You don't remember me?" "I remember getting hit, but I don't remember by whom." "Whom?" "That's great, bro." "That makes me want to dead arm you again." "I was state wrestling champ?" "Uh..." "I got expelled my senior year?" "For credit card fraud?" "That's the one." "That was never proven, by the way." "Nice seeing you again, Bert." "I'd shake your hand, but I can't quite lift my arm." "Sure, that's the dead armt work." "Man, I couldn't stand you in high school." "You were the worst." "I'm sorry?" "Always complaining that the dress code wasn't strict enough." "You tried to get rid of jeans, dude." "That would've killed me." "I only had two pairs of pants back then." "My jeans and my church jeans." "Well, it was good seeing you again, Bert." "I have a private training session, so I should probably go find my trainer." "Look no further, my friend." "This is my gym." "Bert's Body Shop." "I took the place over from my old man when he got sick." "Cancer of the penis." "Oh, my God." "I'm so sorry." "That's..." "I'm messing with you, dude." "His penis is fine." "He's retired, but he still volunteers seven days a week being a pain in my ass." "All right, let's grab your credit card info so we can get you signed up for a membership pronto." "The sooner we do that, the sooner we can get you an adult male body." "As much as I'm enjoying you and these odors," "I'm gonna go now, Bert." "So, good-bye." "Wait-wait-wait-wait- wait-wait." "I know this just looks like a regular gym, but it's way more than that." "See, I got a whole philosophy, bro." "I'm into the whole Asian thing of mind, body and spirit." "Also tanning." "The trainer just ended up being this creep from high school who beat me up all the time." "Who?" "Johnny?" "No." "Steven?" "No." "Asian Steven?" "Is it a bird, Andrew?" "Is it a plane?" "No, it's Superman!" "Get out, Mike." "Well, I better go." "Bit gusty today." "Waah!" " Bye." " Bye." "He's super desperate for attention because I'm going out with Craig from work tonight." "Oh, Janet, come on." "You gotta stop spending time with this Craig guy." "It's just two friends who like to get together and gossip about their co-workers." "Janet?" "Janet?" "I didn't know we had an escalator installed." "Going down." "Why would superman need an escalator?" "I gotta go." "Okay." "Love you." "Bye." "Andrew." "Hey, Jerry!" "Cody's been breathing down my neck about your column." "I gotta give him something." "So pitch me your sexy new direction." "No." "I will not change my column, all right?" "It goes against my principles." "I've got to put my foot down." "Then I'll have to fire you." "What time is it due?" "There you go." "Remember, we're going after that demographic Holy Grail:" "men in their mid-to-late 30s who act like they're 15." "But I don't know anyone like..." "Okay, never mind." "This is great, man!" "getting together, reconnecting like adults." "I was thinking more of a restaurant, not a strip club." "How are you?" "So, what have you been up to since high school?" "After senior year, you just disappeared." "Where'd you go?" "I graduated." "I went to college." "Nice." "Yeah, I always wanted to go to college." "Long story short," "I got hit by an airport bus which gave me the money to buy my dad's gym, which was great 'cause I love helping people." "That's great, you can help me." "Tell me, what does a person like you like to read?" "Sports scores." "Perfect." "Nice." "Let's toss these shots back." "Oh, no, thank you." "I try not to drink at 10:30 in the morning... on a Wednesday." "It's Friday somewhere." "No, it's not." "Come on." "It's on me." "It's rude for a gentleman to turn down a drink, right?" "Okay, I'll have a shot." "Just one." "Cheers." "No one cares about being a gentleman anymore, you know?" "You send an invitation that says "evening wear."" "Nobody wears evening wear." "I was at a wedding, guy showed up in a Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts." "I mean, it was on a beach, but still... white linen was called for." "How are you so drunk off two shots?" "I only had a grapefruit half for breakfast." "You know what?" "You're the kind of guy who shows up in shorts." "I mean, it's people like you are the reason" "Yeah, it's people I golike you are the reason that I don't have any friends." "And people like you are the reason I'm carrying around my ex-fiancée's sock like it's a friggin' sock." "Dude, first of all, you got to throw some protein in there with that citrus." "Secondly, I'm not taking the rap for that sock." "No, it's just, Lauren dumped me for a guy like you." "You know, with the muscles and the machismo, you know, who doesn't know the difference between a pinot blanc and a pinot noir." "Actually, that's not a good example 'cause that guy owns a winery." "Man, you're messed up bad." "You know everything about being a gentleman, but nothing about being a man." "What are you talking about?" "You see, life is a big jerk:" "It punches you in the face over and over again." "You gotta fight back or it'll knock you out." "Uh-oh." "Here it comes." "Wait a sec." "Are you gonna throw up on me?" "No, no, no, no..." "I'm getting an idea." "You should be my client, dude!" "You see, I deal with the entirety of the totality of all that you are..." "completely." "Check this out." "You know what this is?" "It's a big black circle." "No, it's a yin-yang without the yin." "It's a yang-yang." "It means that everything is of equal importance." "It's covering up an ex-girlfriend's name, isn't it?" "Well, yeah, but it's also my training philosophy." "You see, the mind and the body are the same." "When I look at you, your body I get sad." "Look at that guy." "He's uptight." "He's lonely." "And the last time he was intimate was with a sock." "I just carry around the sock." "I'm not having sex with it." "Well, maybe you are and maybe you aren't." "I am not having sex with a sock!" "Okay, okay." "Calm down." "My point is, well, I was a jerk to you in high school, but the universe is giving me a chance to make amends." "I know I can help you." "Hell, I already got you a new friend." "You did?" "Who?" "Me." "So what do you say?" "You want to be the yang to my yang?" "I can't believe I'm saying this, but... yang." "I mean yes." "Let's get this guy a lap dance." "Oh, no." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "Well, the brunette has a kind face." "This is step one of my multi-step process." "You need to bury the past by having a funeral for your old relationship." "You need to burn that sock." "I don't want to burn the sock." "Hey." "For God's sake, that is my milk." "At least use a glass." "What?" "There's just a little bit left." "No, there isn't." "Oh, really?" "See, I told you." "Let's burn that sock." "Lighter." "Should I..." "say something?" "I think that would be nice." "Well, I..." "I've carried this sock around much like I've carried the memory of Lauren around." "* Cat's in the cradle *" "* And the silver spoon *" " * Little Boy Blue... *" " What is that?" "What are you doing?" "Dude, it's a funeral." "* When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when *" "* But we'll get together then... *" "I mean..." "Don't." "* You know we'll have a good time then*" "Okay." "Okay, I'm burning this sock." "Oh." "Oh." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Okay, it's lighting." "Okay." "I got it." "I got it." "Uh, put it in the sink." "I got it." "I got it." "The sink!" "I got it." "Bert, that trash can is wicker!" "What the hell is wicker?" "Aah...!" "Move." "I got a blanket." "That's not a blanket;" "that's my blazer." "You guys okay?" "Oh." "Uh, yes." "Thank you, Lydia." "Just a little $19 trash can fire put out by a $500 blazer." "Don't worry, ma'am." "The area is safe." "I always feel safe around Andre" "I kill many of her bugs." "You should be taking off many of her pants." "You need to ask her out." "I can't ask her out." "She's my neighbor." "That's totally inappropriate." "I'm just not comfortable with that." "I hear you." "I get it." "I totally get it." "Thank you." " What is that?" "What are you doing?" " Step two." "Making you do something you're not comfortable with." "Bert?" "No!" "Bert!" "Bert!" "Hey." "Hey." "How are you?" "I'm great." "Good to hear you." "That is... is good... to hear." "So what's up?" "Really, really good." "I can't believe she said yes." "I can't believe it, either." "I was watching through the peephole." "That was the most awkward interaction I've ever seen." "But you nailed it." "That was tAnd tonight,ard inyou're going to nail...n." "Oh, please." "She's a lady." "A lady you're going to nail." "So, Lydia, what do you do for a living?" "I do what I've always dreamed of doing." "I market cigarettes for a major tobacco company." "Well, that... that sounds like an interesting job." "Thanks." "It is." "Besides, it's not like you market to children." "No." "We don't market to children." "Wink." "I can't actually wink, so I just say "wink."" "Lydia." "Oh." "Hello, Donny." "Who's the suit?" "Hi." "I'm Andrew." "And, uh, my suit's name is Glen." "I don't get that." "That's just a joke." "You a comedian?" "No." "Why are you standing?" "It's what you do when you meet a friend's acquaintance." "Acquaintance." "Right." "I don't want to interrupt." "FYI, your body looks bangin' tonight." "Whatever." "Is that a friend of yours?" "Oh, that's just my ex-boyfriend." "This is his restaurant." "You brought me to your ex's restaurant?" "I mean..." "I mean, what if he does something to my food?" "Why would he do anything to you?" "You're not the one who cheated on him." "Think that makes sense." "Lydia, would you excuse me for one second?" "Oh, sure." "It's unbelievable." "Hey." "Hope I'm not, uh, interrupting." "Andrew." "What are you doing here?" "And your jacket's unbuttoned." "Are you okay?" "May I speak to you in private, please?" "You can speak to me right here." "What are you doing?" "You have a husband who loves you." "He's probably sitting at home right now, heartbroken." "No, he's not." "He's fine with it." "He's right over there." "What?" "Mike?" "Oh, hello, Andrew." "Mike." "Andrew." "Oh, unbuttoned." "You okay?" "What are you doing here?" "Oh, I'm just sitting at the bar, enjoying a bit of sherry and some udon noodles." "No, I mean... your wife is over there having dinner with another man." "Doesn't that bother you?" "Well, I suppose I do have a bit of a green-eyed monster raging inside me." "Deep down, of course." "You can't let her get away with this, Mike." "Tell her how you feel." "Wouldn't want to poke the sleeping bear, Andrew." "She doesn't want to come home after a hard day's work and deal with my theatrics." "Her words." "Maybe that's exactly what she wants." "Maybe this is all about trying to get a rise out of you." "Look, Mike, life is a big bully, and it punches you in the face over and over again unless you punch back." "You're right." "I should be more aggressive." "No, I'm not feeling it." "Come on." "You..." "All right." "Like that man over there." "Look, he's practically having sex with that lady." "Seriously?" "Hello." "So you two are having a bit of a rapprochement." "Andrew..." "I am so sorry, but I still have feelings for Donny." "He's like a big cigarette." "I just can't quit." "Hey." "Tell you what, little man." "How about I go ahead and comp these spring rolls for you?" "Sometimes a gentleman must shake the hand of his rival." "Comp this." "But sometimes a bitch slap just works better." ""But sometimes a bitch slap just works better."" "I love this." "It's young." "It's macho." "It is exactly what they want." "What'd you do to your hair?" "I just touched up the gray a bit." "Too much?" "Well, you..." "you kind of look like..." "Ben Affleck?" "A gentleman never tells another man that he doesn't look like Ben Affleck." "Sure." "Hey, Bert." "This is for you." ""For Bert." "Thanks for your fried nips."" "Friendship." "The word is "friendship."" "That makes more sense." "You got the handwriting of a pirate." "It's calligraphy." "What's this?" "That is my credit card info." "I, uh..." "I'd like to become an official member of Bert's Body Shop." "Maybe find out what step three is?" "You know, when I first took this place over, my old man said I'd probably screw it up, like everything else." "This right here..." "this says I'm not a screwup." "It says that a smart guy like you trusts me." "It says, "Screw you, Pops!" ""Look at me now, you son of a bitch." "I'm somebody."" "Thanks, Andrew." "Thanks for helping me rub it in the old man's face." "That's what fried nips is all about." "Ready to feel the burn, Bert." "Oh, hello, Andrew." "Mike, what are you doing here?" "I'm a member here now." "I like what Bert's done for you." "It's already rubbed off on me." "I gave that Craig a bitch slap." "And I stood up to Janet." "Had quite a night." "Two positions and a kiss." "Thanks for the new client, dude." "Everything he says, I want to hug him." "Ah, well, look at that." "I guess, uh, I helped you, too." "Actually, there are a few other ways I think I can help." "You see, proper gym etiquette mandates that you need to..." "Dead arm!" "What was that?" "You were being you." "We'll fix that." "Come on."