"This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "May, I help you?" "Yeah, I'd like a girl." "What kind of a girl?" "Filthy, I'd like a really filthy girl." "Fine, my name's Mr. Phil." "I'll be your host for the evening." "Oh, hi." "Great to see you." "My name is Brr..." "Buf..." "Buhhh..." "Bubba." "Big ol' Bubba Brown." "Fit as a fiddle and ready for... you know..." "Will this be cash or charge?" "Charge?" "We accept all major credit cards, Mr. Brown." "You're kiddin'." "Well, we don't take Chevron, but most anything else will do." "That's good to know." "That's really, like, good to know." "No, I'll go with a lot of cash." "Let's see what I have." "How about room four?" "Lovely room." "Does it have a view?" "Yes." "Uh, that's too lovely, no view." "They're all the same price." "Okay fine, I'll have a dark room, a filthy girl and no view." "How about room one?" "Sounds good, room one." "Right over there." "Great!" "It's ready right now." "Great, great that it's ready, 'cause I hate waitin' around for lust and dirt." "Well, enjoy." "Yeah, well, great." "Uh, I'm just gonna wait here for a second." "I got a friend comin' in here." "We don't allow that, only one to a room." "Good to know, that's good to know." "More than one to a room, I wouldn't even be here." "That's too filthy." "No, I'll just== Let me just sit here, and kind of absorb how glad I am I'm here, you know?" "Oh, herro." "Ah-so, sushi, kimono." "Come here, it's all right, he's over here with me." "Danny." "Burt?" "Don't blow my cover." "That's it?" "That's your outfit?" "Yeah, pretty good, huh?" "That's the most ridiculous outfit I ever saw." "I can't believe you walked around like that." "Gimme a little credit, will ya?" "I drove." "Drove?" "Drove what?" "Oh, the, uh... baghrr-hrr." "What?" "The patrol car." "The patrol...?" "!" "Shhhh." "Keep cool." "I can't believe that you drove around in the patrol car, dressed like Jerry Lewis." "I didn't drive it Burt, I rode in the back seat." "Chuck and Bob drove." "Oh, that's much better." "Excuse me, but, uh, just exactly what did you have in mind?" "Ah, herro." "Toyota, uh, Kawasaki, uh..." "Canon AE-1." "Now, listen, give my friend a dark room and an ugly girl and no view." "Room two." "Your friend's in room one." "Are they connected?" "Why?" "Are you?" "Will I...?" "No, we'll take it." "No, thanks a lot." "Come here, Danny." "Now, listen to me." "We meet at Clancy's Bar in an hour." "Jeez, I don't know about this Burt." "I'm pretty nervous." "This is a whole new bag of bananas for me." "Danny, please." "You're a cop." "You have to have nerves of ice!" "Huh?" "I'm talki" no emotion." "Cold as steel." "All right." "You got it, Dan." "Ready big fella?" "Aaah!" "Thanks, Burt." "Herro." "Herro?" "First five minutes is 20 bucks extra, second five is 30 more," "10 per minute after that." "Take off your clothes, assemble your devices, if that's your inclination." "Lie down, shut up and no smoking." "Boy!" "Boot camp was easier than this." "If you are a member of the police department, please state so now." "Otherwise, you are committing entrapment, which is illegal, unethical, and may I say, off the record, tacky." "I'm a deputy sheriff." "Welcome to Hedley House." "Hedley House was built in 1903 and was the third building constructed in Dunn's River." "That's our tour for today." "Thank you and good evening." "Wait, wait." "I'm not here to arrest you." "I just wanna show you some pictures." "Hey, I'm not into that." "But it's your money, you know." "Oh, no." "It's not what you think." "These are pictures of me and Sheriff Campbell in garter belts." "Did you say garter belts?" "Yeah, as a matter of fact, Sheriff Campbell is in the next room interrogating a woman, this very second." "Sounds like a happy man." "Do you know a man named Tibbs?" "Tibbs?" "Tibbs, no, uh-uh." "No, never heard of him." "Tibbs, uh, doesn't ring a bell." "Wow!" "Look at the time." "Hey, just hold on here, huh?" "You see, uh, me and the sheriff are..." "You know, there's the sheriff there." "And that's me." "And that's you." "And this is..." "I don't know who that is, but, uh..." "Hey!" "Well, thanks a lot for dropping by with these, but I gotta run." "Wait a minute, it's you." "Look, it's late and I'm a candy striper at the VA Hospital." "I found you!" "Hey, Burt!" "Burt, I found her!" "Look, buddy, I didn't know you guys were cops." "I don't care about that." "He told us it was a photo layout for Psychology Today." "It doesn't matter." "I was set up." "So were we." "I thought you guys were actors, you know, models." "No, Tibbs drugged us." "We were unconscious." "No wonder you didn't respond." "You just lay there smiling, like a sleeping Scientologist." "Tibbs is blackmailing us with those." "Please... will you help us?" "Do what?" "Put him behind bars." "I can't." "Why not?" "I just can't." "Tibbs is like a father to me." "If he knew that I squealed, he'd kill me." "Some father." "I didn't say he was Robert Young." "What are you afraid of?" "Death." "Pain and death." "Look, uh..." "Gwen." "Look, Gwen, you help me put him away, and I'll see to it that he never bothers you again." "It wouldn't work." "He owns me." "He owns all of us." "That's ridiculous." "People can't own other people." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, he owns me." "He's owned me ever since I was 14." "Help me put him away." "Free yourself." "It can't be done." "You can't do it." "He owns you too." "No one owns me." "And no one will, ever." "Because I say so." "Now, he may beat us with this thing." "I may end up the laughing stock of this town, but no two-bit little pimp is ever gonna own me." "That was beautiful." "Stupid, but beautiful." "I'm sorry I wasted your time." "Hey, look, I really feel for you." "I just don't know what I could do." "Come to the office tomorrow at noon and make a des..." "Dipso..." "Deposition." "Right." "Tibbs would shoot me on sight 10 seconds after I left your office." "I'll give you complete protection, round-the-clock." "Look, Gwen, it's no concern of mine how somebody makes a living as long as they don't hurt anybody doing it, but this guy hurts people, lots of people." "Please testify." "Noon?" "Thanks!" "See ya." "Hey, um..." "Uh, Danny." "Danny, uh, would you like a...?" "You still have a few minutes left." "I could give you a massage, a real one, heh, if you'd like." "Uh, no, no." "I, hu..." "I better go tell Sheriff Campbell the good news." "On second thought, maybe I better just wait in the lobby." "Herro." "Dutch, our chili needs more meat." "I know, but we can't afford anymore." "Hmm." "Well, that's too hot." "I'm gonna put some sour cream in it." "Don't touch my chili!" ""My chili"?" "Well, I like that." "Since when is it "my chili,"" "I could remember when it was our chili." "All right, our chili, but our chili is perfect, so don't mess it up." "Leave that alone." "What do you think, Sandy?" "I wouldn't know." "They didn't offer a course in chili dogs at Le Cordon Bleu." "Saunders, why are you using our good china at an outdoor barbecue?" "Because you can't afford paper plates." "Daddy, why do we have to eat outside anyway, like peasants?" "I'm afraid that's what we are, princess." "We've run out of money." "But Mother has money just sitting in a bank or somewhere." "That's right, but only she can withdraw it, and she's being held prisoner in some jungle." "Which makes it a little tough to get to the bank." "Well, this is ridiculous." "There must be some way to get money." "There is an extreme method that people have been known to use." "It's called working." "Don't you think I want to work, Saunders, to earn my daily bread by the sweat of my brow, to work and toil like all the little common men across this great land of ours." "But I'm an ex-con." "No one will hire me." "How fortunate for you." "The men appreciate you coming out to the field, cookie." "We're tired of K rations." "Hey, it's the least I can do for the boys at the front, major." "Carry on." "You try some, Sandy." "No, thank you." "I'll dine out." "On what?" "You haven't been paid in two weeks." "Oh, I am judicious with money." "I've a tidy sum set by." "Really." "Saunders..." "Yes." "I was wondering..." "See, we're in a spot here, and I was wondering if maybe..." "Well... you know what I mean." "No, I don't." "Clarify yourself." "Well, I was wondering if you could lend us some money." "Excuse me, while I consider your request." "Hi, Mary." "Where's Burt?" "He's out, you know, tracking down the man who framed him, and trying to force him to confess." "Hopefully, he won't get killed." "He said he would be by after he did all that, or by 6:30, whichever came first." "Here's the potato salad." "Thanks." "Mary, is that all you brought?" "Potato salad?" "Uh-oh, the party's over." "Ooh, I'm sorry." "I guess I came at a bad time." "I didn't mean to interrupt your barbecue..." "Leslie." "Hi." "We haven't met." "I'm Annie." "That's Leslie, the young woman who was trying to kill my son." "Hi, nice to meet you." "It's nice to meet you too." "Are you a relative?" "No, a tramp." "Hey, what do you got in that there box?" "Another one of those bombs that don't go off?" "There's a rattlesnake in here!" "Mm-hmm." "Look, I really just came to see Billy, so just go ahead with your party and don't mind me." "He's not in at the moment." "He's out rescuing his mother." "From revolutionaries on a Caribbean island." "Oh, nuts." "Yeah." "And I had such a great plan." "I was gonna give this to him." "I was gonna say let's forgive and forget." "And then he was gonna open it up." "And the rattlesnake was gonna jump out at him!" "Wouldn't that have been great?" "Leslie, you have just got to develop some other interests." "It took me weeks to find a rattlesnake." "I looked all over, nobody has any." "Well, I..." "I guess that's not your problem." "It's been really nice talking to you, Mrs. Campbell." "Yeah." "Well, once again, I-I'm sorry for bothering you." "See you soon." "And don't try to follow me!" "I've got a gun and a hand grenade!" "Hey, Mare." "Hi, everybody." "Oh, Burt, she was just here." "She was?" "Quick, get her." "I'm goin', I'm goin'!" "Who, what, when, where?" "Just now, Burt." "Just now." "Who just now?" "Who just now?" "Leslie." "I don't believe it." "You just let her get away?" "That's it?" "Which way did she go?" "It's too late now, Burt." "Can it be true?" "General Doolittle in the flesh?" "Forgive my informalities, sir, but may I join the rest of America and congratulate you on that daring raid on Tokyo?" "It was nothing." "You lifted the morale of every fighting man in the Pacific." "You taught us the real meaning of the word "Yank."" "Hey, come and get it." "Hey, uh, what's the occasion?" "Dinner." "Oh." "Whoa!" "Did I get it?" "Yes, you did." "In case you were afraid my big toe posed any threat to you... rest assured, you got that too." "Hey, Chester, I mean, I'm really sorry." "You know, it... really hasn't dawned on me yet." "I've been shot!" "Help me!" "Okay." "Help me!" "All right." "Come on." "Somebody help me!" "I'll get you to a hospital." "Oh, Mommy!" "Mommy!" "Mommy!" "Hi." "Oh, buenas noches." "De nada." "Please come and have a seat." "Thank you." "You know, I tried to get a message to your home in Connecticut, America, but I don't know if I succeed." "The man I sent never came back." "You mean, you sent a man to Con-nect-i-cot?" "Oh, no, I sent him to the village, to Western Union, but..." "Oh, he'll come back, I'm sure." "I hope." "I pray he comes back." "Don't worry, really, everything is going to turn out just fine." "Well, it's just that I'm a little upset." "Why?" "Well, the CIA, they promised to come and help us overthrow the government here, and they're late." "I don't know where they are!" "Maybe they got stuck in traffic." "I don't know." "I just hope this doesn't turn out to be another Bay of Pigs here." "Oh, I'll tell you that." "A Bay of Pigs." "Wouldn't that be terrible?" "No, I think it'd be kind of cute." "I mean, a whole bay full of little pigs, all oinking and swimming around." "Jessica, you are wonderful." "Oh." "Yes!" "Yes, you are." "You're wonderful to try to cheer me up with your wonderful American sense of humor." "Oh." "You know, I was thinking, why don't I give all this up?" "Sure, my men and I can always go back to our marimba band again." "What do I need this for?" "It's something you believe in." "Jessica, don't leave." "I won't." "You won't let me." "Oh, no, I mean tonight, don't leave." "Stay with me in my tent." "Oh, El!" "I don't, uh... think I could do that." "No, Jessica, don't." "Please don't misunderstand," "It's just that I..." "I..." "I..." "I worry about you." "I stay up all night thinking about you in your tent alone with the mosquitoes and the Gila monsters and..." "Monsters?" "You mean, you have monsters here?" "Oh, Jessica..." "Whoo!" "Please stay with me tonight." "This could be our last night together." "Here we are." "Now, I..." "I just... fluff up your pillows, and everything is perfect." "Uh, I..." "Would you like another blanket?" "Oh, no, no, no blanket." "No blanket." "I, uh..." "What about a book to read?" "Ah, yes, yes, yes." "Here we have..." "El Mundo en la Opinión de Garp." "Well, uh... if there's anything that you need or want," "I'll be right over here." "El?" "Huh?" "I thought, um..." "What?" "Nothing." "Nothing." "No, what my little piña colada?" "Tell me." "Well, you see, I thought we were going to... share this tent." "Yes, we are." "I'll be right over here." "Uh, El... what I meant was... when you said that you wanted me in your tent," "I thought that you meant you... wanted me in your tent." "Oh." "Oh, m-me." "Oh, n-no, never." "You?" "But, my Madonna..." "No, no, no, no, no, no." "No, no, no." "May the federales amputate my hands if ever I dare to touch..." "No, no, no, no." "Never, my Jessica, never!" "Never?" "Nnn..." "Nnn-nn..." "Not... until we marry." "I see." "Now that Danny's found a hooker who will testify against Tibbs, will she be afraid to open her mouth?" "Now that Jessica found out the revolution may last 72 years, will she have her charge account switched?" "Now that the Tates are out of cash, will Chester sell his sweaters?" "Will Billy ever find Jessica?" "Will anyone ever find Billy?" "These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of Soap."