"(heart beating)" "♪ I wanted to make love in the morning ♪" "♪ 'Cause at night I couldn't feel a thing ♪" "♪ And in the day I would... ♪" "ANNOUNCER:" "Please welcome Margaret Cho!" "(cheering)" "♪ ♪" "Thank you!" "Oh, my gosh." "Thank you." "Thank you so much." "Thank you." "(cheering quiets)" "I love you." "Thank you so much for coming." "This is exciting." "We're filming." "So... where's the Asian people?" "Where's the Asian people?" "Where's the... oh, thank God!" "No, I know, 'cause I-I know, it's..." "I see and I know you had to drive." "So I'm so glad." "It's dangerous." "Thank you for coming." "This is exciting." "This is exciting that, um..." "Asian news." "Okay." "There's a TV show on right now on ABC." "It's called Fresh Off the Boat." "Really great." "It's a show, um..." "I-I helped a little bit, but it's, um, it's on TV now." "It is the second" "Asian-American family show ever on television." "And so I hope that you watch it." "It's very, very exciting." "It's really, really good." "And, um..." "I-I actually created the first Asian-American family TV show..." "(laughs) ...20 years ago." "(audience laughs)" "And I fucked it up so badly... they had to wait for an entire generation of Asian-Americans to be born and grow up to Nielsen voting age." "So now it's on TV and, um," "Eddie Huang is the creator of the show, and it's, uh, it's-it's a real honor because when he started the development process, he reached out to me, because he knew that I was the only person" "in the entire galaxy who understood what it was like to create an Asian-American family show with ABC." "So he found me." "He was like, "Chobiwan Kenobi, you're my only hope."" "And so I helped him out, you know." "One of the problems is the network didn't like the name of the show, Fresh Off the Boat." "They thought it was racist." "It was all, it was all white people, too." "You know... you know how sometimes, when white people will get offended on our behalf?" "It's so adorable when they do that." "It's like, "Aw, thanks!" "Thanks."" "You know how like white people, they're like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa." ""Okay." "All right, okay, uh..." ""That's too much, okay." "All right."" "Sometimes I get accused by white people of being racist against Asians, which I think is weird." "Like, I had..." "I had a problem." "In, um, January I did the Golden Globes." "And I played a..." "I played a North Korean general who had to get a selfie with Meryl Streep." "It was very exciting and, uh, you know, because I'm Korean so this was very... you know, it was a good thing." "'Cause I'm, like, the only person, really, that can make fun of Koreans and not be put in a labor camp." "So, it's-it's rewarding for me and, uh, you know, I did it, and I got a selfie with Meryl Streep, and she kissed me after." "It was... oh, my God, it was so exciting." "And then, um, Benedict Cumberbatch photobombed us, which was great, 'cause I'm such a Cumberbitch." "And then after we did it, he whispered in my ear," "(British accent): "Well done."" "And I was so freaked out that I completely ignored him." "Like..." "But all these people, after... all these white people were like, "Oh, that was racist." "How dare you portray a Korean?"" "I..." "I don't..." "I don't know." "I-I-I guess I just did it." "It's weird, that..." "I think that white people, sometimes..." "I think white people want to tell Asian people how they should feel about race because they're too scared to tell black people." "You know, we have less melanin, we're not as intimidating, we're less likely to "shut it down."" "We're just not gonna protest, which I am so down with all the protests for" "Eric Garner and Ferguson and, you know, that's very important." "You know, all these protests about Trayvon and everything, you know, it's-it's really important to protest police brutality, because it's not something that's just these incidents, you know." "We are talking about many, many years of police brutality, going back to Amadou Diallo and Rodney King, so it's a lot." "And, um..." "I have to say, though, whenever, uh, black and white people fight," "Asians and Mexicans don't know what to do." "You know?" "We're like, "Are we... are we white?" "Not sure." "Not sure."" "Um..." "I had an incident..." "I had an incident with a police officer." "Uh, there was a guy named Christopher Dorner, and he was an LAPD cop and he went crazy." "And he was fired from the force and then he shot and killed eight people." "And, uh, he went into the mountains and-and just went into hiding and he wrote a manifesto, all about his life." "And in the manifesto, he said that I was one of the most beautiful women in the world." "I was like, "Oh, my God, thank you!" ""Don't kill me!" "But thanks!"" "I was just excited 'cause he wasn't talking about the other Asian women that I get jealous of." "Like, Lucy Liu Who?" "Sandra Oh I Didn't See Your Name on a Manifesto." "You know, I think it's really nice when white people are very... you know, they want to be conscious of race and they want us to, you know, feel like they're... they're taking care of us somehow and I... but I don't know what the problem is" "with Fresh Off the Boat." "To me, Fresh Off the Boat is quite a point of pride." "You know, like when you're really Asian." "You know, like when you..." "you know, you know people that are really fucking Asian." "Like, I can be, I can get fucking Asian." "Like, I... my Korean name is Moran." "Moran." "That's my name." "And my Korean name, it's the name of Kim Jong-il's production company." "So that's how Asian that is." "Um, I have a friend who's even more Asian." "Her name is "Kh."" "I'm like," ""Oh, my God, that's pretty." ""That's really..." "Wow." It's like..." ""How do you spell that?" "Is that..." "Is that with, like, a 'K' or a 'C'?"" ""Oh, it's just like it sounds." "Kh!"" ""Okay." "So, like, a 'Q' or..." "like a 'Q.'"" ""Just like it sounds." "Kh." "Just call me Jay."" "But I think that, like, it's-it's fierce to be that Asian, you know." "It's like we're talking about our heritage and it's awesome, you know?" "But I-I like to sort of feel like exotic, you know?" "I love..." "I love white dick." "You know?" "I do." "I love..." "I love some white dick." "It makes me feel exotic, you know, like I want to put a," "I want to put a flower in my hair, like... (Korean accent): "They remind me of my homeland."" "Love that." "White dick is not... you know, it's not too big so it doesn't stretch me out." "Not... it's not small." "No, 'cause white dick has got the girth." "You know?" "I'm talking..." "I'm talking about that Colin girth." "I know, that's good." "I know it's good." "It's good." "No, I know it's good." "No." "Colin girth... you know when it's like... it's like real gir..." "Like, it's like, um, being fucked with a potato." "(laughter)" "It's just, I think Asian women... we have a lot of power." "You know, we have a lot of..." "I think Asian women are really beautiful." "We're sort of like blondes, but nobody thinks we're stupid." "(laughter)" "I think if there was an army of Asian women with big boobs, we could solve all of the problems in the Middle East." "(laughter)" "Because we can make Jews do anything." "(laughter and groaning)" "(applause and cheering)" "I mean, if it had been us instead of Moses, it would not have taken 40 years to get out of the desert." "They would have followed us, no questions asked." "Sometimes it's a little bit..." "Like, you know, it's like Asian women are too beautiful." "Like, they're just so beautiful, it's like nobody can compare." "You saw... you see good, like..." "Sometimes there's a good couple, like, a beautiful Asian woman with, like, a beautiful white man, and, you know, it's nice." "But sometimes you'll see, like, a really beautiful Asian woman, and she's with the most fucked-up face, broke down, busted white man, and I'm just, like," ""Bitch, are your eyes that small?"" "(laughter)" "So, Fresh Off the Boat is a good thing..." "I think it's good, I don't think it's racist." "I think it's good to be fresh off the boat." "You should be proud of it." "(applause and cheering)" "It's really good." "But, yeah, the network..." "they were, like..." "They had such a problem with the name Fresh Off the Boat." "They didn't want to call it Fresh Off the Boat." "They-they were, like, "That's racist." "We want to call it Far East of Orlando."" "I think that's more racist." "I don't know." "I don't know." "Um, I just want to do this." "This is what I know." "(laughter)" "This is..." "I'm-I'm so... (applause) ...happy to have been on the planet at the same time as Leonard Nimoy." "What a great man, what a beautiful life." " I mean, really incredible." " (applause and cheering)" "That's..." "It's also my favorite character." "Like, I really love the character." "Like, I love the new... the new Spock, the Zachary Quinto." "He's so cute, like, on the new Star Trek." "He's like the most beautiful lesbian Spock I've ever seen." "Like, so, like, gorgeous, I just want to... (laughter)" "So fine." "I feel like this has been a very, uh, tough time." "Um, the... the..." "One of the people that I loved the most died in August of last year." "Uh, it's my father in comedy, um, Robin Williams." " (applause)" " It was very hard, because he was such a good man and he was also a great humanitarian." "Uh, one of things that he did was, he was very concerned about homeless people." "And with Comic Relief, he raised $70 million for them, and, you know, uh... (applause)" "Also, um, and when he did movies, there's was a clause in his contract that stipulated that, uh, a certain percentage of the crew had to be homeless workers." "So, he was very invested in giving homeless people a dignified wage, and-and he was a good man." "And when he died, I-I really, um, could not get over it, and I was speaking to a mutual friend of ours, Michael Pritchard, who is a comedian and homeless activist, and he said, "Don't grieve Robin." "Be Robin."" "So, I went out on the streets of San Francisco, um, with a bunch of comedians and musicians, and we'd stand on the corner, and we would..." "Uh, we had a box, and it-it said, uh, on it," ""If you have, give." "If you need, take."" "And we would just perform for hours, and people would come, and they would bring food and clothing and money and toiletries and whatever for homeless people." "And then homeless people would come take it." "And I would find out what people needed." "You know, I'd ask homeless people what they wanted, and then I would tweet about it, and, um, so, like, all these girls and women... homeless girls and women..." "were asking for tampons." "So I was asking for tampons on Twitter." "And people are so mean." "You know, they're, like," ""Oh, tampons are bad for the vagina."" "Uh, yeah, homelessness is bad for the vagina." "(laughter and applause)" "But it was a very simple, kind of a charitable thing." "It was perfect charity for me 'cause I didn't have to save any receipts or do any accounting, 'cause I am the most menopausal stoner." "You know, I can't remember shit." "I'm, like, basically a fucking walking Etch A Sketch." "I don't know anything ever." "So this was perfect for me, and, um, it was a good thing." "You know, we-we were able to give people stuff." "And-and money... giving homeless people money was..." "It was powerful." "You will never see a bigger smile than making it rain on a homeless man." "(laughter)" "This was very important." "I mean, it was important for me to try to do something, like, active, charitable." "Uh, I-I, I-I just really was in a lot of pain, um, 'cause Robin, who was my father in comedy, died, and then, directly after, my mother in comedy died..." "Joan Rivers, which..." "I..." "I just, uh..." " (applause)" " It was very hard to deal with." "It was so painful to lose her." "Of course my Korean parents... totally fine." "(laughter)" "Super healthy, healthier than me." "You know, just walking around the golf course, and..." "The only thing that happens with old Korean people is that the visor gets longer." "(laughter)" "But Joan really was my mother in comedy, and, um, she saw herself in me, so she took care of me for a long time." "She was my last resort, and I hope that you have this in your life." "If you're lucky, you will have a last resort in life, which is that person that, whatever happens to you, you can go to them, and they will always make you feel better." "And, uh, she was mine." "That-that was true, and she was the best." "Um... (applause)" "The la... the last time we spoke was in May of last year, and, uh, I had done a benefit for a rape center, and I bombed." "And that's really sad to bomb in front of rape victims." "(laughter)" "Because that means you... are... worse... than rape." "(laughter)" "I mean, there's reasons why I bomb." "Uh, it's because I am also a rape victim." "I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor, so I believe I can make jokes about it if I want to, but they did not agree with me." "(laughter)" "Not good, and, uh, Joan had done the same benefit a year before, and they hated her even more." "(laughter)" "So when I talked to her about it, she was, like," ""Oh, fuck them." "I hope they get raped in the ass."" "(groaning and laughter)" "She was the wind beneath my wings." "(laughter, applause and whooping)" "Her funeral was hard." "It was..." "It was all comedians there." "Everybody was crying." "It was here in New York City, and everybody was crying, crying." "It was a big temple." "Just everybody... every comedian you know is there, and it was so hard, 'cause we were all crying so much, because we had lost our mother." "And Howard Stern delivered the eulogy." "And he was crying, he was crying, which is sad to see..." "So sad to see him crying." "And finally, through the tears, he managed to speak, and he said," "(in deep voice): "Joan..." "Rivers..." ""had such... a dry... pussy."" "(laughter)" ""Her pussy..." ""was so dry," ""it was like a sponge." ""And when she would get in the bathtub," ""all the water would get absorbed in there." "Like..." (imitates water whooshing)" ""And Joan used to say" ""that if Whitney Houston" ""had as dry..." ""a pussy..." ""as Joan..." ""she would still be... alive... today."" "(applause and cheering)" "I feel sorry for Whitney." "I feel sorry." "You know, I feel sorry for little..." "little Bobbi Kristina." "It's hard." "That-that whole family..." "Addiction, I understand." "Like, that's a... that's a tough life." "And I've been..." "I've been there." "You know, I know." "And at my worst, um, point of my own addiction, my own drug problems," "Bobby Brown asked me out." "(laughter and groaning)" "And I thought..." "I need help." "(laughter, applause and cheering)" "Yeah." "I must be fucked up if he likes me." "(laughter)" "No, 'cause I used to party with Anna Nicole Smith." " (whooping)" " So that's the level of fucking partying I am talking about." "Like, I was super into..." "I-I have..." "My drug of choice is, um, prescription painkillers." " I have great, great..." " WOMAN:" "Yeah." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah, honey." " (laughter)" " I know you know, girl." " I know you know." "I know you..." " WOMAN:" "Yeah!" "Yeah. (whooping)" "(laughter, man whoops)" "My back." "Oh." "It's..." "Oh!" "Oh!" "My back." "(man in audience shouts indistinctly)" ""Oh, yeah." "Oh, honey."" ""What?" "!"" "It's like we have gay Tourette's." "We're just scr..." "What?" "!" "What?" "!" "Oh, yeah, what?" "!" "Wouldn't it be good to get, like, some kind of gay..." "What?" "!" "You don't have to go to, like, see a doctor." "Just have to see a gay Tourette's specialist." "What?" "!" "What?" "!" "(laughter)" "I-I know." "It's a good..." "It's a good high." "It's a..." "But it will fuck you up." "Like, I got..." "I got, like, real, like, into, like, hoarding drugs." "You hoard the pills." "A hoard..." "I had my last pill left, and I made a night of it." "You know, I-I put my hair up." "I put on some Portishead." "I lit a Jo Malone candle with multiple wicks." "And I had my pill and my wine." "'Cause I can't have a pill without wine." "(laughter, whooping)" "I'm not a savage!" "But it's like... you know, it-it..." "Drugs and alcohol at the same time... it's an inexact science." "'Cause you never really know what's gonna happen." "You know, so I drank the wine too quickly with the pill." "I don't know." "It was too fast." "Immediately, I got sick." "I was like, "I'm gonna throw up."" "And I ran to the toilet, like, "I'm gonna throw up."" "And I threw up everything in the toilet, and the pill came out whole." "(laughter and groaning)" "So I was just looking at it." "(laughter, man shouts indistinctly)" "Like, "Fuck!" "I'm the only one here!"" "(laughter and groaning)" "And I just grabbed it and swallowed it with my own bile." "(laughter, applause and cheering)" "I'm not trying to glamorize drug use." "(laughter)" "I just think that if you're willing to go in the toilet and pluck a pill out of your own vomit and swallow it with your own bile, you deserve to get high." "(laughter)" "Oh, I wanted to mention, my pussy's not dry." "My pussy's not dry." "My pussy's not dry." "But that's just because I have allergies." "(laughter)" "I miss Joan Rivers." "I miss her a lot." "I miss her, uh..." "It's in a daily fashion where I think I want to..." "I just..." "I want to hear what she would have to say about things that are happening." "Like, I want to know what she would have to say about Bruce Jenner transitioning." "Which is fucking fierce." "That is fucking fierce!" " (applause and cheering)" " That is a..." "That's a "Work!"" "That is..." "I'm like..." "When I heard, I was like, "Bru... you better work!"" "Like, I was so excited." "'Cause think about how hard that is." "You're-you're under that much scrutiny." "That... fuck, that famous, famous family." "And then going through something that is so difficult for anybody." "I think he's going to inspire a lot of people." "I think kids are gonna see that and go," ""You know what?" "I can do this, too."" "You know, while he's doing that, it's, like, it's so powerful." " (applause)" " That makes you remember," ""Oh, that guy... he's a fucking Olympian."" "He has gold medals for a reason, so he better work." "He better work." "He better work." "I'm just..." "I'm just curious, like, how... what..." "Is he gonna transition into a Kardashian?" " Like, is he gonna go for that?" " (laughter and groaning)" "I hope so." "I hope so." "'Cause it would... that... that would look really fierce." "I think that would be good." "I don't know." "Sometimes the-the fam..." "I-I... the..." "Like, I-I just hope he gets a bedonk." "Like, I think that if you get..." "If you get to be in that family, you should have the-the ass." "I'm not sure about Kim's new hair." "I..." "The..." "Kim's new hair is a little slithering for me, but..." "But... she's got the fierce ass." "The ass, the greasy a..." "I don't know if it's greasy all the time, or if it's, like, just greasy sometimes." "I don't know." "It's just, that ass is like..." "I don't know." "That picture in..." "Paper magazine picture just..." "It looks like she's coming up out of a box." "It's like an ass-in-the-box." "Like... (singing lively tune)" "Boing!" "And it's just a greasy, greasy ass." "It's just big." "You know, it's just..." "I think, uh..." "You know, I'm impressed by it, because Asian women... we've got a lot, but we don't have the ass." "I don't have..." "I-I don't..." "I have, like, a fold." "(laughter)" "Fold, not an ass." "I-I just don't have, uh, that part." "You know, I have a fat vagina." "(laughter)" "Flat ass, fat vagina." "That's... that's never gonna be in fashion." "(laughter)" "There's no songs about that." "(laughter)" "It's-it's where I carry my weight." "(stammering):" "You know, I don't..." "I have no junk in the trunk." "I have junk under the hood." "(laughter)" "(man whoops)" "Which you would like there to be some kind, of, um..." "You know, some fat there." "You don't want a flat pussy." "Like, that's not good either." "You don't want, like, an origami... pussy." "(laughter)" "That's not good." "That just looks like it would hurt." "You know, it's like..." ""I ain't touching that." "I'm gonna get a paper cut."" "(laughter)" "And you don't want, like, a really muscly pussy either." "Like that-that-that Sports Illustrated cover girl." "Right, her pussy's muscly." "(deep-voiced gibberish)" ""That's all muscle."" "Like, it's like, you don't want to... (low growl)" "(in deep voice):" "Like, that pussy's mus... muscly pussy." "My-my pussy..." "Like, it's just so mu..." "Like, what are we gonna, crack a walnut with that pussy?" "Like, what...?" "It's so muscly." "(in deep voice):" "Bust my balloon muscly." "It's just so..." "It's too much." "It's a little bit hard." "You want some softness." "I think, like, a pussy should be, like, soft enough, like, you could lay your head on it and-and listen to the ocean." "(laughter)" "(imitates waves rolling)" "(imitates waves rolling)" "Like, you want it to look comfortable." "Um, the ideal vagina should look like a neck pillow that you get on an airplane." "(laughter)" "Like, "Oh, I'm in business class." "I'm in business..." "I'm in business class."" "But I gain all my weight there." "That's where I... you know, I-I..." "A flat stomach, fat pussy... that's just it." "That's where I gain every..." "You know, I eat something, it goes right there." "A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the lips." "(laughter, applause and cheering)" "This is where Joan Rivers and I would disagree on stuff." "'Cause she always thought I was fat." "So, yeah, she always..." "It was, like, "Uh, you're so fucking fat." ""If you gain any more fucking weight," "I'm gonna fucking die."" "So... (laughter and groaning)" "(audience groaning)" "(Cho laughs)" "My bad." "(laughter)" "This is where I disagree with her." "I don't think..." "like, you..." "I don't think it's right to, uh, sort of talk about people's weight." "I think people are beautiful at any weight, but she was very critical about it." "And then, like, when she was dying, she was in the hospital, I just wanted to whisper in her ear, like, "Bitch, don't go into the light." "Elizabeth Taylor is in that light."" "(laughter)" ""You called her fat so many times, she's gonna beat your ass for eternity!"" "(laughter)" "Elizabeth Taylor was the greatest fag hag who ever lived." "(applause and cheering)" "And, uh, her main gay was Montgomery Clift." "And one night they were at a dinner party in the 1950s." "They got real drunk, they left separately, and Montgomery Clift got about halfway down the hill, he gets in a terrible car accident, and Elizabeth Taylor heard it with her extra sensitive fag-hag hearing." "(laughter)" "'Cause you know when your gay is in trouble." "You get... the... (imitates rapid, high-pitched beeping)" "Like, a Spidey sense, and you can feel when your gay is in trouble." "So Elizabeth Taylor hears her gay in trouble." "She runs down the hill." "She sees Montgomery Clift bleeding in the street." "And she goes to him, she takes her hand, puts his down his throat, pulls out teeth that had been lodged in his throat." "Saved his life." "That is what a fag hag will do for you." " (applause and cheering)" " Right?" "Put her hand down your throat, pull out teeth, save your life." "And Montgomery Clift... no gag reflex." "(laughter)" "Some people are just meant to be friends." "(laughter)" "Are there fag hags here?" "They're fag hags here?" "Fag hags?" " (high-pitched):" "Yeah!" " (laughter)" "(squeaks)" "(high-pitched):" "Yay!" "It's good, but I don't like the name." "I don't like the name." "Fruit fly." "Fruit fly is better, because fruit fly is, like, we're all buzzing around the wine, like..." "Like, "Queen, you better give me some wine."" "(laughter)" "Fag hag is... it's an historical term." "It comes from the era..." "It's a..." "From, like, the era of, like," "Armistead Maupin's books Tales of the City, which is all about San Francisco in the '70s, and... (applause)" "So, it's a woman who hangs out with gay men is a fag hag." "And then, a... a man who hangs out with lesbians is a Dutch boy, 'cause he wants to put his finger in the dike." "(laughter and groaning)" "MAN:" "Oh!" "Oh!" "These are, like, historical terms, but I'm not happy with "fag hag."" "I don't like to say "fag," and I don't like to say "hag."" "Not, not flattering." "So, fruit fly, uh, queen magnet, another one." "Uh, uh, yeah, that's a good one." "It's cute." "It's cute." "Um, I think that we, uh, really need to call it what it really is..." ""dick widow."" "(laughter)" "WOMAN:" "Oh!" "MAN:" "Oh!" "'Cause that's what you are is dick widow." "'Cause you know, like, when you go out to the gay bar with your friend, and it's so fun." "You get all done up before, and it's like..." "It's fierce, and then, you know, they do your brows." "And it's a whole thing, it's so fun." "And then you get to the gay bar, and it's great until the dicking hour." "(laughter)" "There is a time where all gay men remember they're gay." "Like, "Oh, shit, I'm gay." ""I-I need some dick!" "I need to get some dick!" "Oh, I forgot I was gay."" "And, like, they remember all at once." "It's like a natural phenomenon." "It's like all the salmon swimming upstream." "You know, it's like, everybody at one time." "Like, "Oh, I got to get dick right now." "I got to get dick." "I got to go." "Where that dick at?"" "You know, they start looking for dick, like..." "And then, if you're a woman in that situation, there's no reason for you to be there." "They don't want you." "They're like," ""Girl, did you download that Uber app like I told you to?" "!"" "(laughter)" "And then you are just a dick widow in that situation." "So, I need to create a ride-share app." "It's a dick widow app where it's just my face on your phone." "And if you're in that situation, you just press it, and then, you know, I'll come pick you up and I'll take you to Kathy Griffin's house." "(loud laughter)" "(applause and cheering)" "(whooping)" "(whistling)" "She is... she is head widow, head dick widow." "Now that Joan is dead, we report to... report to Kathy Griffin." "(laughter)" "Head hag." "She's my friend for, like, 27 years." "She's so fancy, like, so much more fancy than me." "Like, we were going to Las Vegas for the weekend." "We live in Los Angeles." "So we're going to Las Vegas." "The morning we're gonna leave, she calls me, like..." "She's like, "Hey, do you want to split a private plane?"" "(laughter)" ""What?" "How much is that gonna be?"" "(laughter)" ""'Cause it's $50 on Southwest."" "(laughter)" "(applause and cheering)" ""So, if it's more than that," "I'm going to have to borrow some money."" "(laughter)" "It was $50,000." "(man whoops, laughter)" "'Cause she white." "(laughter and applause)" "She's fierce." "She's fierce." "She's fierce." "She has the best gay." "Ooh, I covet my neighbor's gay." "Ooh, her gay is fine!" "It's Anderson Cooper." "(high-pitched):" "Ooh, he fine!" "Ooh!" " Ooh, he fine, but don't..." " (applause)" "Don't even look at him." "Don't even... don't try it." "She will cut a bitch, so don't... don't try it." "She has already peed in a circle around him." " (laughter)" " So... (laughter continues)" "You best step off." "Do you have, like, a fantasy gay?" "Like, a fan... fan...?" "Who's your fantasy gay?" "Anderson Cooper." "I know." "He's so..." " I like a bit of Matt Bomer." " (applause and cheering)" "(gasps):" "Oh, he fine!" "(screams)" "But I also like..." "I like to..." "You know, like, I like to..." "I like a troubled gay, also, like a George Michael." "You know, I love to rescue a bitch, so it's..." "Yeah, I like..." "I have a crystal meth rescue at my house right now." "I'm fostering a few gays that have a lot of problems." "But, you know, like, he's got problems." "Like, George Michael does drugs." "He got high, he fell asleep in his car." "I'm like, "Queen, why did you fall asleep in your car?" "Did Elton John give you a poison apple?"" "(laughter and groaning)" "You-you... just..." "I just love him." "You know, I love..." "I-I love that." "I've always been, you know, just attracted to gay men." "Sometimes you will inherit a gay from your mother." "That's very common when you get a hand-me-down gay." ""Oh, you remember your Uncle Ron?" ""Well, Ron is gonna babysit you from now on, because Ron got a DUI."" "(laughter)" "So, then, you have an old gay man and a little girl, which is the best relationship possible." "That is a power couple." "(laughter and applause)" "He will watch Twilight as many times as you want." "He loves Justin Bieber just as much as you do." "(laughter)" "He has the same strong and confusing feelings about horses." "(laughter)" "And, yes, you are going to the One Direction concert." "(laughter)" "But it's a good... it's a good relationship, and now a lot of tho-those guys are gone now, so I'm... now I'm searching for younger gay men to hang out with." "You know, I got to... secure my future." "You know, I got to prepare." "I need somebody to push my wheelchair." "I'm, like, trolling for the young gays." "You know, hanging outside the movie theater w-w-waiting for Into the Woods to let out." "You know, you just got to troll, you got to troll, look around, looking for the young gay." "I have a really young gay friend." "He is 20, and he's, like, so nice, and he got really high." "And he texted me." "He's like, "Oh, my God, I'm so stoned." "I just saw my first fuzzy."" "And I think he meant to write "pussy."" "(laughter)" "But his iPhone autocorrected it." "(laughter)" "Either that, or that's what he felt when he saw it." "(laughter)" "(laughter continues)" "(high-pitched shrieks)" "You ever... have you ever seen a vagina, sir?" "What is that?" "He was like... (laughter)" "(applause)" "Oh, I could see the PTSD, the pussy PTSD on your face." "You were like... (laughter)" "When did you... when did you see a vagina?" "When did... when did...?" "Was is when you were coming out of it?" "Like... (laughter and applause)" "(screaming)" "(screams)" "(applause and cheering)" "(screaming)" "(applause, cheering and whooping)" "Girl... girl, when did you see a pussy?" "What... what happened, though?" "It was my friend's mother." " Oh, no!" " (audience groaning)" "Wait... (laughs)" "Wait." "Why?" "Wait." "Oh, no, no." "Yeah, no, no." "Wait a second." "Wait a second." "Wait a second." "Wait a second." "Wait a second." "Wait a second." "What is it?" "You ate the pussy?" "I mean..." "And your boyfriend is like, "Oh, God."" "(laughter)" "'Cause it's almost like you ate the pussy by proxy." "It was like you ate it." "It was like... (nervous laugh)" "So, wait a second." "Wait." "So, wait." "Okay." "So, like, go back to the beg..." "What hap... what hap... what happened?" "Why did you...?" " Why was it your friend's mother?" " (laughter)" "That's so Eddie Haskell of you." "I was with his mom, I was drunk." "And she asked me to." "Oh, so you... then you..." "She asked." "She was, like..." "I was 23." "I wasn't like a, like, 12-year-old." "Okay, no, no, no, no." "I mean, I'm sure." "You know, it's like..." "But that was the only time you ever...?" "Yes." "Only..." "I went down..." "Aah!" "I mean, it's like, you were like..." "It was like... (laughter)" "It was, like, juicy." "(screams)" "I know." "And these queens are freaking out." "These queens are just like, "Don't need to know!" ""No!" "Don't!" "I can't!" "Please!" "Oh!" "Oh!"" "Oh, it's very..." "I put my head up and I said "I can't."" "You can't." "You just..." ""I couldn't do it." You were like, "No."" "Have you, have you ever eaten pussy before?" "No, no." "You just... you... you'll find..." "First of all... first of all, this is what you did." "You grabbed your pearls." "You go... you were like this." "You went, "No."" " (laughter and applause)" " No." "No, no, no." "You had to... you had to clutch your pearls like..." "Well, you're brave." "I mean, you did it." "You did it." "You tried." "It wasn't good." "You know now, you're like," ""Okay, no." "That isn't good." (muttering) But..." "It was like licking a stab wound." "It was... (screams)" "(audience groaning)" "Girl!" "(laughter)" "(screams)" "So you got your red wings is what you're saying." "You got your red wings." "(audience groaning)" "You're like a biker." "You're like a biker." "I'm impressed." "That's amazing." "Good for you." "What if you had to eat pussy, though?" "What if...?" "(laughter)" "Like, what if you had to eat pussy?" "What if you had to eat pussy... for charity?" "(laughter and groaning)" "Yes." "Well, what's the cause?" "What?" "Well, well, like, like if it was like the ice bucket challenge?" " (laughter)" " And... you..." "You didn't want to do it, but you got nominated on Facebook, and... (laughter)" "(applause and cheering)" "You had to do it." "What if you had to?" "(applause, cheering and whooping)" "You know, it was for a good cause, so then you would just..." "whatever you had..." " MAN:" "I would do it then." " You would it then." "You'd... you'd be... (laughter)" "(laughter continues)" "(laughter swells)" "(applause and cheering)" "(whooping, applause and cheering)" "I bet you would have to eat a lot of grass after." "(laughter)" "Although dick would be delicious after that." "Dick would taste real..." "Dick." "Oh." "Oh, God." "Oh." "(laughter, scattered applause)" "It's good." "Yeah, it's good. (mutters)" "(laughter and groaning)" "(whooping)" "Well, good for you." "You tried it." "You know, sometimes we-we really need to figure out who we are, and often I think we are more than our relationships, you know?" "So you discover and you grow." "I-I..." "I always had..." "Very curious of people who really know who they are, you know, 'cause I always had kind of different feelings about it." "I am actually bisexual, so I have both." " You know, I have..." " (applause and cheering) ...serious feelings about both." "I..." "I started off very much a lesbian." "Um, and I had a girlfriend, and we looked exactly alike." "We were like those freaky gays who look exactly alike." "We looked exactly alike, and, uh, we shared a vibrating egg." "It was a vibrating egg, and we would pass it between each other." "It was real March of the Penguins." "(laughter)" "But then I realized that there is a side of me that likes dick." " (whooping)" " MAN:" "Yeah!" "(applause, cheering and whistling)" "The inside." "(laughter)" "So, you know, I-I mean, I'm very..." "You know, I like both." "And I think what I really love most of all... sex toys." "I love sex..." "That's my favorite thing is sex toys." "It's really fun and exciting, and every time I get... with a new relationship with a woman..." "That's the great joy of having sex with women is you always get to get new sex toys." "So, if you get a new girlfriend, you got to go get a new cock." "Got to go get a new dildo." "Celebrate your love with a new dildo, and it's real exciting." "I always have to get the biggest one." "Whenever I go to the, you know, store, sex store," "I got to get the biggest cock they have." "I got to get the veiniest cock." "You know, I got to get the most giant one." "You know, I'm like," ""Hey, can I see the one that looks like a pylon?" ""I want that one." "That one's a, you know, giant big one." I have to get the biggest, 'cause my eyes are bigger than my pussy, so I got to get the biggest one." "And then, if you do that for a long time, you will get stretched out, and it kind of wouldn't matter if you had, um, you know, if you stayed with women." "Then you could just get a bigger..." "There's always gonna be a bigger dildo." "But, uh, with men, it's a little different." "So, you know, it'll..." "it'll stretch you out, and I-I just feel weird, 'cause I-I'm also trying to have a baby right now." "I would like to have a kid, but, uh... (applause)" "And my-my first boyfriend offered to, uh, be the father, but I'm kind of embarrassed to fuck him now, 'cause he was, like, the first person in there." "So if I fucked him now, he'd be like," ""Wow, you done a lot with this place."" "(laughter)" ""I thought there was a wall there before." "I guess that's..."" "I do..." "I do really love the sex toys thing, but if you keep using them, you will get addicted, you do." "You... vi-vibrator fans?" "You like vibrator...?" "It's fun." "What kind of vibrator do you have?" " (gasping, laughter) - (laughs)" "Why?" "WOMAN:" "I like the Magic Wand." " Oh, the Magic Wand is the best!" " (whooping)" "The Magic Wand is really, really..." "The Magic Wand, it's, like, really... (imitates vibrator)" "The Magic Wand is solid, because, you know, it-it will last for a long time, and, you know, it's not, like, a confusing vibration." "Like, the vi... vibrator that makes me confused is the Rabbit." "'Cause the Rabbit is like this, but then it's also like this." "So it's like... what do I...?" "You know, what do I...?" "What do I do?" "What do I do?" "It's too confusing." "I like the steadiness of the Magic Wand, the... (imitates vibrator)" "But it's so loud, like, it's, like, really loud." "And-and then, you know, I look out the window, all my neighbors' TVs are all fucked up." "(imitates vibrator)" "Like, the street lights are going off and on." "(imitates vibrator)" "My neighbors are protesting, 'cause everybody thinks I'm fracking." "(laughter)" "I do..." "I do love the-the Magic Wand, but then, like, do you have sex with women or men or...?" "Both." "Both, both, yeah." "So, I mean, it's, like, it's great with women, but then when you use it, like, with a guy, it's kind of intimidating." "It's hard to introduce it into..." "'Cause, you know... and then I... 'cause I feel so butch." "You know, I'm like, "Hang on, I got to go to the garage."" "(laughter)" "You know, it's very, um... uh... (imitates vibrator)" "Guys get intimidated by that." "So it's always a weird thing." "And I don't know, like, is a...?" "In, like, um..." "I-I definitely feel, like, lesbian, you know, but I think sometimes lesbians don't acknowledge me as a lesbian because I-I'm neither butch nor femme." "So I'm, like, kind of in the middle." "I'm, like, a Marcie femme." "(laughter)" "Marcie was Peppermint Patty's girlfriend." "That's my level of a femme." "I-I want to be more butch." "You know, like, I want to be..." "My favorite kind of lesbian is, like, the gay pride volunteer." "(gravelly):" "You know, like, "I'm a volunteer." "Yeah, signed up, I'm a volunteer."" "You know, 'cause they got a headset." "They got a headset and a bunch of keys and a walkie-talkie, and, "I'm a volunteer, I'm a volunteer." ""Sir, you can't park there, you can't park there, sir." ""Sir." ""Sir, I'm-a have to ask you to move your car..." "Sir, you can't park there." "Sir!"" "I love that they have so author... authoritative..." "They're all entitled." "You know, like..." "like, they got, they got knighted with a double-ended dildo." "(laughter)" "I did a show, a gay pride celebration show, and it was outdoors, and, um, there was a windstorm during the show, and a tree branch fell on the stage, and everything was okay," "but all the headset lesbians were like, "What's going on?" ""What's going on?" ""What's... what's..." ""Branch, you can't park there!" "I don't have a key for this."" "It's, like, very powerful." "I want to be like that, but I-I just have never been sort of comfortable within the lesbian community, 'cause I'm not a..." "I don't seem like a-a-a true lesbian or something." "I-I did a show in England, and this woman came up after the show, and-and she's like... (with British accent): "Can I offer you some criticism?"" "Um..." "Yeah." ""Well, I saw your show, and I just felt" ""there's not really enough lesbian representation." ""There's not really enough lesbian representation." ""There's just not really enough lesbian representation." ""There's not really..." ""There's not really enough lesbian representation." "There's not... not really enough lesbian representa..."" "Um..." "Is-is it 'cause I don't have keys?" "(laughter, applause)" "I don't have keys?" ""Not enough lesbian representation."" "She was, like, a really hipster lesbian." "So she only had hair on one side of her head." ""Not enough lesbian representation."" "I was like, "What happened to your hair?"" "(laughter)" ""Did your cat just..."" "(growls)" ""There's not enough left side of your head representation."" "(laughter, applause)" "I'm just determined to be out in all of my, uh, ways." "I just, you know, uh, I feel like it's important for me." "I don't understand when people aren't out or when they actively, uh, don't want to be gay." "I think it's so much better to be gay." "It's so fun." " (whooping, applause)" " You know?" "It's really..." "It's just exciting." "We just have a good time all the time." "But it's weird when people are, like, closeted, or, like, when they..." "Or, like, like, uh, like, Michele Bachmann freaks me out with her husband Marcus Bachmann." "They're..." "He..." "It's so weird." "'Cause he is fucking gay." "I mean, fucking gay." "But then he also, he teaches a class on how to be straight." "I guess those who can't do, teach." "(laughter, groaning, whooping)" "It's just, like, confusing to me." "Like, I-I, like, I-I want to..." "You know, I-I want to say that I don't know if he's gay, but I really enjoy hagging him, is, uh... uh, somebody..." "I-I..." "I-I will tell you..." "Don't tell anybody." "Um, John Travolta." "He is just an amazing guy." "And I'm not..." "I-I'm not sure if you really understand how gay he is." "He may not actually be a homosexual, but he act gay." "I mean, he..." "Like, I-I..." "I hagged him for, like, a year, and he's, like, not just, like, homosexual, he's, like, Oscar Wilde gay." "Like, he's, like, he's, like, Lord Byron gay." "Like, I mean, he be wearing a cravat to soak up the semen, like, you know..." "You know, like..." "You know, like, that kind... he... that kind of queen like to suck a cock with his pinky out." "Like, he's... (laughter)" "Not that I know." "I mean, I'm not sure if he is, but I'm just..." "Conjecture... just speculative at this point." "But I-I feel bad for him, like, 'cause I think that, you know, if people really knew who he was, they would just really love him, 'cause I think he's hilarious and a great guy." "And I worked with him for a year on Face/Off, which was a hard movie to make, 'cause he doesn't have to work very-very many hours." "Um, he only has to work ten hours a day, and that includes flying his plane from the set to the location and flying back." "So really it's just a few hours a day." "And John Woo, who directed the movie, is a big Hong Kong director, so he's not used to that." "He's used to Hong Kong actors who will shoot 24 hours a day, and then they'll do all their own stunts, and then they'll go home and sew a bunch of Nike shoes... (laughter)" "You know, and then sell their girl children... (laughter, groaning) ...and then come back to set." "You know, and, um..." "It's-it's... it's incredible that, uh, somebody that can be so famous and so closeted, and, uh, you know, it-it's hard." "You know, I feel bad for him because he has a couple of lawsuits now against him." "Um, two male mas... masseur, masseurs, masseuses, masseurs, they came forward to say that they had been sexually harassed by John Travolta." "And the only reason the police believed them is because, uh, the two masseuses described" "John's asshole so perfectly to the police sketch artist, that it was like..." ""This is no coincidence."" "(laughter)" "I just feel bad, you know?" "Be out, be honest." "It's, like, such a weird world." "The world right now is so hard." "You have to just be honest and truthful and appreciative." "Like, I think it's very important to be out." "It's very important to be feminist." "It's weird." "I was in Canada, and, uh... there was this... there was this whole thing, um..." "The very, very famous, uh, broadcaster, he's, uh, his name is Jian Ghomeshi." "He's, like, really famous, and he, uh, was fired from the radio there because ten women came forward and said that he went on dates with them, and on the dates, he punched them and choked them." "And, um, it-it was really shocking." "And Jian, uh, is somebody that I know really well for a long time, and I had been trying to fuck him for, like, ten years." "But, like, I don't go to Canada that much, 'cause, uh, DUI." "So I don't go up there." "But then I was, like, thinking back of all the times that I was alone with him, and I'm like," ""Oh, my God, he never tried to punch me."" "(laughter)" ""Do I look like I can't take a punch?" "!"" "(laughter)" "But I was proud of Canadian women coming forward and saying what happened, you know, because in America, we tend to blame the victim." "This is a very "blame the victim" kind of a culture." "And, you know, like, here, like, Ray Rice is a good example." "What a horrible person." "Ray Rice is horrible." "You know, you see him punch out his fiancée in an elevator and then drag her out, and it's all on video." "It's all... you plainly see it." "But nobody talks about how terrible he is." "All anybody ever says is, "Well, why did she stay?" "Why did she stay?" "Why did she stay?"" "I'm like, "I don't know." "Maybe they had Book of Mormon tickets." "(laughter, applause)" "You know how you'll stay in a fucked up relationship 'cause you just got tickets." "Hopefully that is nobody tonight." "(laughter, applause)" "But in Canada, women were not having it." "You know, women, they... they ran Jian Ghomeshi out of Canada, so he's in America somewhere." "He's being courted by the NFL." "(laughter)" "You know, he's, uh, he-he's... he's recording a song with Chris Brown." "Oh, no, no, he's on tour with Bill Cosby." " (laughter, groaning)" " And..." "It's just so sick." "You know, all this stuff is going on." "Like, last year, 250 schoolgirls were kidnapped from Nigeria." "They were taken by an extremist group called Boko Haram, who believe that women should not have education." "So finally Nigeria negotiated the release of the girls." "I don't know wh-what they did." "Did Nigeria send send some sort of e-mail over there, like, "Dear kind sir, we will give you $50 million." "Just give us the girls and your PIN number."" "Like, whatever they said, they, re... acquired the release of the girls," "But now Boko Haram is saying," ""Oh, no, these girls have all been married off."" "I don't think so." "No, they haven't been married." "These are, like, ten-, 11-, 12-year-old girls." "That's not... th-that's not right." "You can't marry those girls off." "I feel like now at this point, we just have to go get them." "Like, let's just go get..." "I want to put together a badass crew of pissed-off women to just go over there... and just, let's just go get 'em." "You know?" "Like, I feel," "I feel like if I word it in the right way," "Oprah will charter us a plane." "You know, if I just say, "Okay, Gayle can come." "You know, it's cool, it's cool." "It's cool."" "And we'll just, we'll..." "I... so, you know," "I'm-I'm looking for..." "I want you to go." "I... you know." "So if you do CrossFit..." " (scattered cheering)" " I want you." "Um, hey, if you do Curves, like, two times a week." "It's enough." "We'll get together, we'll train, we'll all hang out so much, we get on the same cycle." "And then we will go the week before." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I'm talking about Shark Week." "So we will go and we will teach Boko Haram a lesson about women and education." "So, yeah, I think I want to put together a crew." "I want Michelle Rodriguez." "Uh, I want Ronda Rousey." "I want..." "I want the scary Japanese bitches from The Grudge and The Ring." "You know, the..." "I want Cagney and Lacey." "I want Ruth Bader Ginsburg." "I want Courtney Love." "You know... (laughs)" "You know Courtney Love cannot wait to behead somebody." "Aah!" "Judge Judy." "And Bruce Jenner." "(laughing):" "It'd be so good." "It'd be so good." "I like thinking about my, my bucket list." "Like, if I have a bucket list it would be:" "first, I want to go to India and throw acid in the face of every man who ever threw acid in the face of a woman." "That would be great." "I'd feel really good!" "Just to Wicked Witch some motherfucker who did that, it'd just be great." "Then I want to go to Russia," "I want to kill every gay-basher that I ever saw on the Internet." "Um..." "I want to come back here," "I want to kill every child molester, every rapist, and... anybody who unnecessarily abused an animal." "Oh." "Yeah." "Michael Vick's fucking dead." "Fucking dead." "Uh, a whole bunch of Catholic priests are going down." "Like, Jerry Sandusky, fucking dead." "All the-the fucking people that tried... that killed Matthew Shepard, fucking dead." "And I-I'm serious." "Like, so many fucking going down." "I want to go..." "I want to go to South Africa and kill Oscar Pistorius." "I would, I would give him like a ten-second running head start and then it would be over for the Blade Runner." "Then I want to come back here," "I want to get Robert Blake, I want to get Phil Spector, and I would save O.J. for last." "Because there is no "I" in "team"" "but there is a "Cho" in "psycho."" "'Cause I don't care anymore." "I don't give a shit." "I don't care." "You know?" "I-I-I don't have to worry about..." "I'm-I'm alone in the world, I'm single... which is weird." "I'm single..." "Uh..." "I'm in this fucked-up divorce and... it's weird." "But to be single in, uh, the age of the Internet." "Which is new." "I... and I'm just, I'm just trying to fuck everybody I can." "But I don't really know how to fuck people in the age of the Internet." "Like, the apps are confusing." "Like, Tinder, I don't know what that is." "And then OkCupid, I don't understand." "The only app that I know how to use is Craigslist." "So I just fuck people off Craigslist." "You know?" "'Cause I bought a bike one time, so it's familiar," "I know the... interface." "And, uh, so this guy came over from Craigslist, this hot Mexican guy." "Hot Mexican guy came over and he wanted me to duct-tape him to the wall." "So I was like, "Um... um... okay." ""I..." "I gotta move anyway." "So..." "Just, uh... all right."" "I duct-tape his hands to the wall." "Like that." "And then he pulls his knees up to his chest and he starts sucking his own cock." "These people, they come here, they take our jobs..." "(laughs)" "I fucked this guy in France." "He was real sneaky." "He was real sneaky 'cause, like, while we're fucking, he... he starts patting around my asshole real tentatively, like he didn't want me to find out." "I don't think that's right." "I don't think you should pat around the asshole tentatively, you know?" "If you're gonna put your fingers in somebody's hole, do it with some conviction." "You know?" "Really... put your fingers in the hole." "Like, commit to the action like it's a bowling ball, put your fingers in the hole." "Like, just..." "Follow through." "Don't pat around the asshole." "Like, he's patting around the asshole like he's applying eye cream to my asshole." "For some reason, I am really not searching out women." "Uh..." "I don't know, I think it's because that I really do fall in love with women much more, and so I'm trying to protect my heart to some degree." "Um, there's also certain lesbian sex things I don't like." "I do not like it when my pussy is eaten." "I know that's very controversial to say." "That's very, that's like, that's like, that's like "I don't like quinoa."" ""This tofu is bland."" "I don't know, there's a..." "I don't know, there's something about it, when somebody's mouth is down there, it just feels like a..." "a Muppet is down there." "And the Muppet I think it is is Beaker." "I don't know, I don't know, I just don't like it." "But I'm not gonna tell someone, I'm not gonna say to anybody," ""Don't eat my pussy."" "'Cause that's rude to say." "And then I-I fucked this guy who was, um, he was on the mission to kill Osama bin Laden, so I'm not gonna tell him," ""Don't eat my pussy."" "'Cause I'm a patriot." "So instead, I said, "Hey, let's go have some Thai food." "Let's go have some Thai food."" "Because you can't eat pussy after you eat Thai food, it's too spicy." "So after we ate Thai food," "I was like, "Remember, we had Thai food." "We had... we had Thai food." "We had..."" "And then you know what he did?" "He spit on my asshole." "The second my back is turned, that's... that's what you do?" "That's Special Ops for you." "It burned." "Ooh, it was, it was like he maced my asshole." "It was like my asshole was coming to attack him." "My family is so proud of me, by the way." "Like, let's just..." "let me just tell you." "(strong Korean accent):" ""I was so proud of..." ""I was so proud that..." ""We come to America" ""and I was so proud, so proud." "So, so proud!"" "We were so Asian." "We were, like, all the food in my lunchbox had eyes." "I always had some kind of intestinal parasite, always." "Like, some kind of tapeworm." "And then I always just looked fucked-up, because I was super skinny and then I always had lice, so I just always had a shaved head." "So I looked terrible." "Like, I always looked like" "I was running from a burning village, like..." "And I was very gay as a kid." "It's very hard to grow up gay." "And if you're a gay adult, you really owe it to gay kids." "Like, if you ever see gay kids around or if they see you, you have to, like, always look happy." "Always be smiling, holding your partner's hand, just kicking ass at life." "You know, make sure they see you buying a lot of shit at Whole Foods, having a good time, always." "Just so they know that it's possible to survive." "That they may grow up to be you." "That's what you need to do." "It's an important thing." "Be the example that they need." "It's hard." "It's very hard." "Like, I remember being just a super gay kid, and-and it was very tough." "You see, I-I got bullied a lot but then ignored a lot." "And I remember, you know, being in a school assembly and there's hundreds of children there." "And I was sitting there on a bench by myself, and nobody would sit next me." "You know?" "'Cause I was, like, creepy gay kid." "Nobody would sit next to me." "And kids are sitting on each other's laps and on each other's feet, but nobody would sit next to me." "And I just sat there and I thought," ""I am the loneliest kid in the world."" "And then I thought," ""I am a star."" "So you have to be, you know, just have that energy when you see gay kids around, 'cause you know when you see gay kids." "When you see a little gay boy and he's like, "Mau, mau, mau mau mau."" "You know?" "You gotta fan that flame." "My family, like, they're really... they-they really never understood what I was doing when I was growing up, and now they're very into it, now they're very excited and..." "Like, I was showing my mother how to use YouTube and I showed her..." "I showed my mother a video of Miley Cyrus twerking, and all she said was," ""Oh, she shaking out all of her luck."" "It was always very hard to... to get any kind of acceptance within the Korean community, for me, and then as I got older, too, 'cause I also..." "I-I'm very different." "I'm..." "I have a lot of tattoos." "A lot, which is very controversial in Korean culture, to have them." "I have a lot." "And, uh, so, uh, K-Koreans are very, uh, they're-they're really against tattoos, it's very taboo for Koreans to have tattoos, because during the Korean War, everything was destroyed and then rebuilt by organized crime." "And the way that the organized criminals always recognized each other was through their tattoos." "So it's real controversial." "And so I go to the clothing-optional Korean spas in Los Angeles, which are not just clothing-optional." "Everybody's just naked." "You know, everybody's just naked and I'm just naked, with my tattoos, and, you know, walking around and Korean people are giving me dirty looks." "Which is hard to tell." "It's hard to tell when a Korean is giving you a dirty look." "You know, the..." "So I felt self-conscious." "So I went into, like, a sauna, you know, by myself, and I'm just sitting there in the sauna, naked, watching big-screen TV, just watching golf." "And the manager comes in and she's fully clothed and she's like," ""Uh, could I talk to you out here?" "It's really hot." And I was like, "Okay."" "And so I was standing outside and she goes," ""I hate to tell you this," ""but you are really upsetting people here" ""with your body." ""I'm going to have to ask you to put your clothes on."" "And the thing about me is that I have an enormous bush." "I mean, it's enor..." "it's not even a '70s bush, it's like an 1870s bush." "And it absorbs a lot of water." "So that when I stood up, it was like... (imitates noisy dripping)" "And I-I was a little bit..." "I didn't know what to say and, you know, the ladies are looking at me and I, finally I just said," ""Uh, do you know who I am?"" "And her eyes went from my enormous bush to my face and she realized..." ""Oh, my God!" "You're Margaret Cho!" ""I'm a really big fan!" "I've been to your shows." ""I think you're amazing!" "But you still have to put your clothes on."" "So I was like, "All right." ""But this is wrong and you are gonna be sorry."" "Then I just walked away." "(imitates noisy dripping)" "And I really wasn't sure how they were gonna be sorry, but I was, like, determined that they were gonna be sorry." "And then I went home and I actually wrote about it and I posted it online and it-it just kind of went everywhere." "It was on Huffington Post and Jezebel and all these different places." "And the Korean spa saw it and they-they called me." "They were so sorry." "You could hear the bowing over the phone, like..." ""Oh, so sorry, so sorry, so..."" ""Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry..."" "You know, so sorry." "And they offered me whatever I wanted for free." "I could come back and I could have whatever I wanted, anything I wanted, for free." "But I didn't want to go, 'cause I was very offended, you know?" "I thought that was really wrong for them to discriminate against-against me, you know." "Like, I-I think it's okay for people to be freaked out by my looks or whatever, but you can't have the management say that you should, you know, put your clothes on." "It was wrong." "So I was really angry, I didn't want to go." "But then I talked to my mom about it and she was like," ""But it's free!"" "So then I had to go." "And everybody was really nice to me." "And I think what happened was they, uh, when they found out I was coming, they closed the spa and hired a bunch of actors to be nice to me." "But it sucks!" "I mean, you know..." "I feel like I've done some good for the Korean community." "I've done some good for the Asian community." " I mean, I'm all right." " (crowd cheering)" "I'm all right." "I-I'm, like, one of the first, like, uh," "American comedians to travel all over the world." "I do a lot of shows, uh, in England, which is hard." "They're not used to Asian people talking." "(scattered laughs)" "I do these shows there." "They see an Asian woman coming to the stage." "I will get booed on sight." "I know." "I will get booed on sight." "I'm like, "What?" "!" "Are you still mad because I broke up the Beatles?"" "(laughter and groaning)" "I am Woody Allen's favorite comedian." "No, I really am." "Isn't that funny?" "I really am." "He loves me, he loves me." "I was on the plane to go to England and I was on the plane and I was walking on the plane and Patti LaBelle was sitting in the first class." "Patti LaBelle sees me and she goes," ""Oh, hell, no!"" ""Oh, hell, no!" ""You're gonna stay on your side of the plane 'cause you crazy!"" "(laughter and cheering)" "Then her eyes just followed me for the entire flight." "Like, like she was in a painting in a haunted mansion." "(laughter)" "I'm crazy." "I should've been a rock wife like Yoko Ono." "This is... would've been a good thing, you know?" "I-I kind of had a, I could've had a rock husband." "I could've married Chris Isaak." "That would've been good." "He loved me." "He wrote a bunch of songs about me." "I think "Wicked Game" is about me." "Unfortunately, the game is Sudoku." "(laughter)" "No, he wrote a bunch of songs about me." "We would, like, make love and then we would lay in bed." "And he would lay on his side of the bed and he would sing songs to me that he had written about me." "And I would lay on the other side of the bed holding my asshole open so that my farts could sigh into the air." "(laughter)" "You know?" "Like... (deep sigh)" "'Cause you don't want to fart in front of a rock star." "You got to hold your asshole open and let your farts sigh into the air, like... (sighs)" "You know when, like, you're sitting, like, and then you're... you-you fart and it comes out the front and then your pussy just goes... like that and it really hurts?" "Ow!" "I'm awake now." "Like that and all the lights go out." "Ow!" "You're, like, sitting... you, like, sit and then you fart, but then your ass cheeks are too tight." "So then the fart just comes up your ass crack like a little bubble, like bloop!" "Bloop." "Comes out the top like bing!" "It's going bloop..." "Makes a sound like you, you sent a text... bloop!" "I'm very immature, I'm very immature and yet I still would like to have a kid." "I would like to have a child." "It's-it's not gonna be easy." "I'm-I'm 46 years old." "I don't even get a period all the time." "When I get a period, first there's a sound like a... (screeching)" "Then a bunch of rust blows out like... (imitates explosion)" "Then it's real slow like an old ketchup bottle, like... ♪ Anticipation. ♪" "That's, like, so weird, trying to get pregnant and-and just fucking a lot of people." "Fucking people without a condom is so weird." "It's so weird!" "But there's certain STDs that everybody has." "Like HPV." "Very common..." "HPV." "Um, people ask me, "Well, what do you think about that HPV vaccine that they give young girls?"" "I'm like, "I don't know." ""My pussy's riddled with that shit." "That's how they make the vaccine."" "(laughter)" "They milk my pussy like a cobra." "(laughter)" "And they inoculate young girls with it." "I did get pregnant once in my life." "It was a very long time ago." "And, uh, the guy was a lot older than me so I didn't think he could get me pregnant." "He was old." "Like, you know when a man is old." "Like, he had long balls." "Long balls." "(stammers) That's how you can tell the age of a man... the-the length of the balls." "It's like rings on a tree." "(laughter)" "And his balls are really old and leathery." "I was like, "Oh, nothing alive is gonna come out of those balls."" "Maybe some loose change." "Possibly a Werther's Original." "(laughter)" "All right, thank you very much, everybody." "(crowd cheering)" "Thank you." "Oh, my God!" "Thank you so much." "Thank you so much for being here and being a part of this, I..." "Thank you." "(crowd cheering)" "Thank you." "Thank you so much, um," "God, you know, it's like this is so amazing." "Uh, I feel like..." "I just want to, I want to sing you a song." "I feel like it's just not enough." "Like, it's not..." "Oh, my God." "I wish I had a band." "(crowd cheering)" "(whoops) That was so exciting!" "We can all sing this together." "It's gonna be really good." "I'll show you, I'll show you." "Oh, my God." "So exciting!" "Thank you." "(crowd cheers)" "Okay." "♪ Got a fat pussy and a mean streak ♪" "♪ Ride with me and you're rolling deep ♪" "♪ Squirt you like a spray tan ♪" "♪ House you like a camper van ♪" "♪ Nothing better, nothing wetter ♪" "♪ Gonna get her, send a letter to my ♪" "♪ Fat pussy ♪" "Everybody!" "♪ Fat pussy ♪" "♪ Fat pussy, fat pussy ♪" "♪ Fat pussy ♪" "♪ Fat pussy, fat pussy ♪" "♪ Fat pussy, yeah ♪" "So good!" "(crowd cheering)" "Yes!" "♪ Got a fat pussy ♪" "♪ And hangers-on ♪" "♪ Drum the drum you were banging on ♪" "♪ Everyone always trying to ♪" "♪ Put it in my vagina ♪" "♪ Nothing better, nothing wetter ♪" "♪ Gonna get her, send a letter ♪" "♪ To my fat pussy ♪" "♪ Come on, fat pussy ♪" "♪ Fat pussy, fat pussy ♪" "♪ Fat pussy, fat pussy ♪" "♪ Fat pussy, fat pussy ♪" "♪ My ass turns white, my tongue is tied ♪" "♪ I'm bona fide, please come ♪" "♪ Inside ♪" "♪ Swagger and a wink ♪" "♪ Slide your blue into my pink ♪" "♪ Into my fat pussy ♪" "♪ Come on, fat pussy ♪" "♪ Fat pussy, fat pussy ♪" "♪ Fat pussy, fat pussy ♪" "♪ Fat pussy, fat pussy ♪" " ♪ My ass turns white ♪ - ♪ Fat pussy ♪" " ♪ My tongue is tied ♪ - ♪ Fat pussy, fat pussy ♪" "♪ I'm bona fide, please come inside ♪" "♪ Fat pussy ♪" "♪ Got a fat pussy and a mean streak ♪" " ♪ Ride with me and you're ♪ - ♪ Fat pussy, fat pussy ♪" " ♪ Rolling deep ♪ - ♪ Fat pussy ♪" "♪ Fat pussy ♪" " ♪ Oh... ♪ - ♪ Fat pussy, fat pussy ♪" "♪ Fat pussy ♪" " ♪ Oh, oh ♪ - ♪ Fat pussy, fat pussy ♪" "♪ Fat pussy ♪" "♪ Fat... ♪" "♪ Pussy. ♪" "Thank you!" "Jason Narducy," "Jon Wurster, Sean Eden!" "Thank you so much!" "Good night!" "(crowd cheering)"