"DON'T WORRY, NOTHING WILL GO RIGHT" "DON'T WORRY, NOTHING WILL GO RIGHT A LALAU VELASCO'S SHOW" "Good evening, Costa do Sol!" "Good evening!" "How wonderful!" "What a great audience." "A crowded audience, beautiful people..." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I hadn't seen you, sir." "What an honor to be here." "I was just a little kid the last time I was here." "I used to share the stage with my dad, the actor Ramon Velasco." "By the way, have you seen him here today?" "No!" "Please excuse me for a second." "Dad, are you here yet?" "No?" "He's probably getting himself in trouble." "You're not missing a thing." "Neither am I." "Because wherever he goes, there's always trouble." "The old man is a devil." "Kill that cock!" "Kill it!" "Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen." "Who will be the champ tonight?" "Ahmadinejad, the crazy cock, or will it be Obama Fried Chicken, the American super Chester?" "Nail his ass!" "I'm in." "The house bets on Ahmadinejad." "Get your hand off!" "So what are the stakes?" "Five to one on Ahmadinejad, the crazy cock." "Then I bet ten thousand on the black cock Obama." "That's a high bet, Colonel." "That's how I like it, win it all or lose it all." "Everyone has a guardian angel, right?" "Not my dad." "He has a guardian devil." "Actually, he has two." "One on each side." "I even named both of them, Asteroth and Asmodeus, and the two of them take places getting him in trouble." "At least that's what he says." "That's his excuse." "My dad is a master in getting himself in trouble." "He's a pro in getting himself in trouble." "That's his main occupation in life." "I'm always stressed out, having to square off his debts, while he's always calm, stating:" ""Don't worry, nothing will go right."" "By knockout, the champ is Obama, the American Chester." "They're going to make broth out of Ahmadinejad tonight." "Where's my money?" "Hands up!" "Everybody's under arrest!" "This is the Police!" "Hands behind your heads!" "Everybody's under arrest!" "Everybody's under arrest!" "It was always the same." "He always screwed up." "As soon as he got out of a hot spot, he'd get himself in another, and insisted on the same old line:" ""Don't worry, nothing will go right."" "I guess it was from hearing my dad repeating that so many times that I grew up with the tragic notion that it was useless to do things right." "That everything would certainly go wrong." "My love." "Nothing in the world could make me leave this place." "Stanislau!" "Stanislau, get packed quickly!" "We gotta get the hell out of here." "What did you do now, dad?" "Asteroth got me in trouble." "We gotta go." "Get your things, son!" "Not again!" "I knew it!" "I knew it!" "All over again!" "You men are all the same!" "Relax, Rosa." "Sweetheart..." "Leave me alone!" "Leave me alone!" "Let me go!" "See what you did, dad?" "Women are all alike." "They're all moody." "Forget it, let's go." "Get your things, son." "Let's get the hell out of here." "Let's go." "DON'T WORRY, NOTHING WILL GO RIGHT" "A LALAU VELASCO'S SHOW" "When things calm down I'll come back." "You know what?" "Deep inside, you're just like him." "No, I'm not like him." "Like father, like son." "No, sweetheart..." "Two liars." "Sweetheart, we're not the same, Rosa." "I told you..." "Move it, Lalau." "Shit, dad, I'm..." "Two actors." "A chip off the old block." "That's what you are." "No, no." "Rosa, I promise you." "I promise I'll be back." "Promise me that you'll wait for me." "Sure, I'll wait for you..." "You no-good liar." "Shit, dad!" "You had to ruin it all for me again?" "She'll wait for you." "They always do." "A shack at the beach, a beautiful girl, and then this!" "Why?" "You'll be fine, Stanislau." "I hate it when you call me Stanislau!" "But that's your name." "Yeah, but it's a stupid name." "A stupid name for a stupid guy." "Life sucks!" "Lalau, we're gonna stay at a great hotel near Fortaleza." "Five stars." "Very luxurious, by the sea." "Daddy took care of everything." "That's what worries me." "Every time you "take care" of things we almost end up in jail." "You're exaggerating it." "Exaggerating?" "I'm exaggerating?" "Then why are we on the run, dad?" "You know how hard it is to produce art in this country." "In Brazil, everything is very expensive." "Not to mention all the red tape." "I need money to produce the show." "Our show." "Always the same excuse, right, dad?" "Our show." "It's my dream, son." "Ramon Velasco and Lalau Velasco in "Make Them Laugh."" "Sponsored by Rascalbras..." "Swindlerbras presents..." "You need to break some eggs to make an omelet." "Soon they'll break your eggs, my eggs, my legs, my head." "Don't worry, nothing will go right." "Listen, dad, we can't go on like this." "What do you mean?" "The two of us, together." "I think we ought to spend some time on our own." "What are you saying, son?" "You want to abandon your father?" "We'll be better off that way, dad." "Everything I've done was thinking about the two of us, son." "Our show, so we could act together again." "Did you ask me if I wanted to act with you again?" "No." "I had to ask you that?" "Yes." "You started your career working with me." "I taught you everything." "You know what?" "I think I prefer to work on my own." "I never thought I'd hear that from my son." "Dad..." "You'd might as well stab me in the heart." "Dad, what a lousy performance." "Ingratitude!" "Oh, God!" "Maybe that's my fate, to be abandoned by those whom I love the most." "Where's the paper?" "You didn't bring it?" "I thought you brought it." "Shit dad!" "The old man had been a great actor." "My mom was an actress too." "They got along fine on stage." "But their marriage was a disaster." "She was always bailing him out of jail, getting him out of the asylum, getting him arrested, institutionalized." "It was chaos." "When I was born she thought the old man would settle down." "What a mistake!" "One day, when she came home, she opened the door and there he was fucking my nanny." "That was the straw that broke the camel's back." "Mom left dad and son, and fled with her lover, captain Empedocles Rebelo, across the ocean." "Several years later, we were told that she had died and been buried in the island of Madagascar, in Africa." "Daddy never forgave mommy." "Not for having been abandoned." "That wasn't the reason." "But because of the guy's name:" "Empedocles!" "That's no name." "That's a Kama Sutra position!" "Think it over, dad." "We'll be better off that way." "And it will be just for a while." "Sure." "You're gonna leave and never come back, just like your ungrateful mother." "All I get is ingratitude." "The beast will haunt me forever." "Dad, stop that." "You're not on a stage." "Good point." "I'm not on a stage." "I left the stage so you could shine on your own." "But don't forget that I taught you all you know." "And if you are an actor today, it's thanks to me." "And to continue being an actor, we must go separate ways, dad." "Dad, don't do this." "Dad, what are you doing?" "Oh, no!" "Don't you want to carry on by yourself?" "Then go!" "Dad..." "We'll go our separate ways." "I'll live my life, and you live yours." "Dad..." "Or whatever is left of it." "Stop making a scene, dad." "All I ever wanted was for us to act together again." "You and I, together in a great show." "It would be my last time on a stage." "Crying is the ultimate trick to grasp the audience." "And it always worked." "The old man was very clever." "I'm sorry, dad." "Forget what I said." "Come on." "Let's go." "What is it?" "What?" "Now I get it." "You're joking." "You were joking, son." "Gosh, you were acting all along." "What a wonderful actor you are!" "You were being the actor." "I wasn't acting, you were!" "No, no." "Dad, you..." "How wonderful, son!" "What a wonderful scene." "I almost thought it was for real." "You are so talented!" "What a great actor." "Together we are insuperable!" "The old man was a scoundrel, a blackmailer." "But he was right about one thing:" "I became an actor thanks to him." "I grew up watching my dad acting, and when I watched him performing," "I noticed that a light came out of him." "The light that shines from every great actor." "He inspired me to become an actor too." "I owed him that, and I always would." "I could never repay him." "Check it out." "The best hotel in the most beautiful place in the world." "Didn't I say you could trust daddy?" "For the time being, everything's fine." "But don't you get yourself in any trouble." "Don't worry, son." "I'm gonna check to see if everything is okay." "Dad, dad." "Behave yourself." "Try not to get in any trouble." "Don't worry, nothing will go right." "PRESS CONFERENCE It's a great honor for me to present you the project that will change forever the lives of the burdened people of our state." "The Galo Branco hydroelectric plant will solve once and for all the severe energy shortage problem in our state." "It will also provide the region abundant water." "It represents yet another great achievement by our people." "Ms. Carol, could you please tell us a little bit more about the construction of the hydroelectric plant?" "You should ask that to Mr. Rodolfo Magalhães who conducted the bid." "He's the right person you should talk to." "Ms. Carol." "There are rumors that the bid may have been tampered with." "That's untrue." "The outcome of the bid was acknowledged by the other contestants, so there was nothing wrong with the bidding process." "Now excuse me." "Is it a fact that the construction of the hydroelectric plant is the kickoff of your campaign for the senate?" "You should ask that to the people." "They will tell you if I ought or ought not to run for senate." "This way..." "Ms." "Carol, just one more question..." "Ms. Carol has other appointments." "Please understand." "Thank you." "Shit, dad!" "Guys, did I tell you that my dad was institutionalizes a couple of times?" "No!" "Whenever dad came home drunk my mom would send him where?" "To the asylum." "Back then there were no spas, resorts, detox centers, rehab." "No." "He was sent straight to the asylum." "He was locked up with the nutcases." "The thing is, he felt totally comfortable over there." "The nutcases worshiped him." "He loved being there." "Check him out over there." "He's not very pleased." "You mentioned the asylum story again..." "So what, dad?" "Son, people stare at me like I'm some sort of nut." "But, dad, that's the essence of the show, to joke about my misfortunes in life." "Yeah, but I'm the one who was institutionalized, not you." "And you enjoyed it a lot too." "Who are you kidding?" "I was the laughing stock at school." "You know what they called me?" ""The loony's son."" "What do you think that does to a seven-year-old kid's mind?" "Shit, dad." "Well, forget it." "Let's not go back there." "Don't look now." "Did you notice that there's a gorgeous chick that keeps staring at you?" "Come on, dad." "Don't give me that." "It's true." "She's staring at you nonstop, son." "Where?" "The one in the red dress?" "That's her." "She's pretty." "Not pretty. "Beautiful" is the least you can say about her." "If she were staring at me, I'd be all over her by now." "And you're just sitting on your ass." "Well, I gotta go." "Where are you going, dad?" "I'm gonna buy some weed." "Oh, no!" "I'm out of grass." "You're very good." "Your show is awesome." "Thanks." "I'm glad you liked it." "It's funny that I've never heard of you before." "I'm sorry, I didn't introduce myself." "Flora Beltrão, journalist." "I'm sorry, but I stopped reading newspapers when I left Rio de Janeiro." "You're from Rio?" "Yeah, I am." "But nobody in Rio knows who Lalau Velasco is, though I've acted in movies, plays, done TV shows, soap operas..." "Wow!" "And how did you end up here?" "I mean, performing at a bar in a hotel is kind of..." "Decadent?" "I chose it." "I was always what they call a "problem actor."" "I refused to memorize my lines." "They didn't get it." "They thought I was lazy." "No, I was just testing myself." "I have the urge to improvise." "I believe that an actor who stops taking risks, stops being an actor." "But they didn't get it." "They busted my balls." "So one day I told the soap opera director to go fuck himself and I was fired." "I'm not sure why." "I don't regret a thing." "I perform the way I want to, I earn my own money and applauses." "I'm happy." "I've performed all over Brazil." "There isn't one small town, square, abandoned movie theater or church where I haven't staged my act." "Always the same show?" "Always." "Always." "I've become a one-role-actor." "Myself." "In addition to being a journalist, I do PR for the Castro Gomide Group." "Maybe we could hire you to perform at one of our next conventions." "Would you like that?" "Why not?" "That's a possibility." "Good idea." "Relax, it's too early for fucking." "And since when is there a schedule for fucking, you crazy fag?" "Where's Laurita?" "The boss is in her room." ""The boss?" What an improvement." "Go and tell her that Ramon Velasco, the great Ramon Velasco is here." "Go on." "What are you waiting for?" "Scram!" "You're disrupting me." "Go girl." "Ramon Velasco." "Laurita, my sweetheart!" "Sweetheart my ass, you scoundrel!" "Shit!" "That's no way to greet an old friend!" "A cheap friend, that's what." "And you still have the balls to come back here after what you did?" "Refresh my memory." "What did I do?" "The last time you were here, you ate and drank like a king for a week and left without paying." "Me?" "Without paying?" "No way." "I didn't do that." "I just wanted you to put it on my tap." "And since when do you get laid on credit, you scoundrel?" "Come on, Laurita." "I've missed you so much and long for your kisses, your hugs, and you're talking money?" "Get over here." "Come and hug me, kiss me." "Come on." "You rascal!" "I missed you so much!" "You did?" "Shakira, today we're celebrating." "Ramon Velasco is in town." "This old rascal knows how to please a woman." "I hope you still fuck like a horse, because I'm very horny." "Ouch!" "Be careful." "Don't ruin the goods." "My dad missed my show again." "I was thinking in what kind of trouble he was getting himself into." "I didn't have a clue that this time" "I was the one getting in trouble." "In big trouble." "May I sit down?" "Of course." "I watched your show again." "You did?" "Your ability to captivate people is amazing." "You are really very good." "Stop." "You're embarrassing me." "Actually, I'd like to talk business with you." "I'd like to hire you." "For your company's convention?" "No." "Actually it's for something else." "The resemblance is remarkable, isn't it?" "Wow!" "We could be twins." "And knowing my dad the way I do," "I wouldn't be surprised if I had a brother in India." "This is Bob Savanandra, a kind of a neo transcendentalism icon." "A blend of Dalai Lama and Madonna." "When Bob Savanandra was touring America, I hired him for a series of workshops here in Brazil." "We were good to go when tragedy struck." "What tragedy?" "The scoundrel was arrested." "He was doing a workshop in Florida, fell for a young girl, invited her to a tantric sex session and was arrested for pedophilia." "Nice guy, this Bob character." "The workshop in Rio de Janeiro is supposed to begin in a few days and I don't know what to do." "I wrote wonders about the guy in my newspaper column, and Castro Gomide, the event's sponsor, paid all the expenses and advanced fifty percent of his fee." "It was a lot of money." "And now, if Bob Savanandra doesn't show up," "I'll be in a quite uncomfortable situation, if you know what I mean." "Don't worry, nothing will go right." "What?" "Nothing." "It just came out." "Now, you're in what I usually call a hot spot." "And that's why I want to hire you." "I don't get it." "You're not suggesting that I..." "I want you to impersonate Bob Savanandra." "This is the life I've always wanted." "This could last forever." "No, Laurita." "Don't talk to me about marriage again." "I already told you that I'm too old to get married." "Every whore dreams of walking down the church isle dressed in white and marrying her man by the sacred vows of matrimony." "You want to ruin everything?" "Isn't this nice like this?" "I will pay you one-hundred thousand for your services." "One-hundred thousand?" "Dollars." "Fifty-thousand in advance and the rest at the end of the workshop." "That's a lot of money." "My loss will be much greater, believe me." "No, no." "It's too risky." "What if people find out?" "Who will know?" "Nobody in Rio de Janeiro remembers who Lalau Velasco is." "And they don't know the real Bob Savanandra." "And you only have to pretend you're him for two weeks." "When the workshop is over, you'll be Lalau Velasco again and one-hundred thousand dollars richer." "What do you say?" "It's very risky." "Didn't you say that actors have to take risks?" "Well, I'm offering you a challenge." "The biggest of all." "To interpret a character twenty-four hours a day during two weeks." "What actor would refuse such a role?" "The lady was nuts." "No doubt about it." "Offering me one-hundred thousand dollars - a shitload of money - to impersonate somebody twenty-four hours a day, without a director, without a script, without the safety of a stage, that was crazy." "Hi." "It's me." "I'll do it." "Lalau?" "DON'T WORRY, NOTHING WILL GO RIGHT A LALAU VELASCO'S SHOW" "DON'T WORRY, NOTHING WILL GO RIGHT A LALAU VELASCO'S SHOW Lalau?" "I know I was cruel to my dad, but I had no choice." "I left him a letter and some money to carry on." "I told him that I'd been hired for a job and that I had to leave in a hurry." "Poor old man." "I felt like shit." "What a sun-of-a-bitch of a son!" "BOB SAVANANDRA THE NEW ERA GURU" "Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of our sponsor, the Castro Gomide Group, I'd like to introduce to you, straight from India to Brazil, Mr. Bob Savanandra." "Mr. Savanandra arrived today from a long and tiresome trip, but he agreed to speak to the press." "So please be brief." "Mr. Savanandra, please." "No." "You can speak Portuguese, my friend." "I'm fluent in your language." "I lived for a long time in Buenos Aires." "Your book, "How to make money and keep your conscience clear"" "became an international best-seller." "Thanks." "Why do you think it was so successful?" "Well, the answer is quite simple." "I applied the ancient oriental culture to the postmodern world." "In the postmodern world our most desired goal is to make money." "And that's a good thing, it's not reproachable." "It's not wrong." "The problem is that we are totally consumed with guilt due to religious concepts." "Guilt is bad, so I pondered, sitting in my temple, naked:" ""Bob, how can you make money without feeling guilty about it?"" "And that was when Savanandra Shiva Manahatra - a Hindu god - said:" ""Bob, learn these exercises."" "He enlightened me with a series of physical and mental exercises that intend to liberate the greed chakra, located somewhere near the genitals." "Sarasvati!" "Mr. Savanandra, there is news on the internet stating that you are being prosecuted by the Miami Justice Department." "That you are involved in an incident with a twelve-year-old girl." "The news also stated that your trip to Brazil was uncertain." "Can you tell us what is really going on?" "Beautiful and cunning damsel, a strong wind you are." "Wise, rigid man, a sumptuous oak." "The wind sways the tree's canopy, but its roots keep the oak erect." "Excuse me, sir, but you didn't answer my question." "Truth is but the pale reflex of a multifaceted diamond." "Sarasvati!" "Since I had nothing else to do, I became Lalau Velasco again." "I decided to visit the man who, for a long time," "I considered to be a second father to me, my master, good old Zimba." "You can do it, sweetheart!" "You can do it!" "You can do it!" "No!" "I can't believe it!" "I can't believe it!" "No!" "Four years to get an erection!" "Four years to get an erection and you distracted me!" "Shit, master!" "That's no way to greet an old friend." "Lalau Velasco!" "Get over here and give me a hug." "Lalau!" "Lalau!" "My dear Lalau!" "Miosótis!" "Miosótis, look who's here." "Come and see." "Lalau Velasco!" "Miosótis, you're stunning as always." "You still have those legs that dazzled Paris." "They still resemble two pillars." "How nice of you, my boy." "But now I'm embarrassed." "I brought you a gift." "Gosh, Lalau." "It's beautiful." "But do you think it will fit me?" "O course it will." "You think I forgot your measures?" "Try it on." "She hasn't gained an inch." "Amazing!" "Thank you, Lalau." "And for you maestro..." "A twelve-year-old Scotch whiskey." "Dude, you're gonna kill me." "Relax, Zimba." "It's just a small gift." "It really will kill me." "I'm serious." "I've got diabetes." "But thanks for the gift." "Master Zimba, you're still the usual nut case." "Nuts, retired and broke." "I mean, more flimsy than broke." "Don't say that." "You look great." ""Once a king always a king."" "I miss acting so much..." "Actors should die on stage, during an act, applauded by the audience." "They shouldn't have to end their days in line to receive their pensions, having shone so brightly for so long." "But let's not talk about bad things." "And your dad, how is he?" "That old scumbag!" "I thought we weren't talking about bad things." "You're right." "What do you think?" "Wow!" "You look gorgeous." "I guess I'll get a hard on today." "What about you?" "You look great." "Still performing your act all over Brazil?" "As always: sometimes there's a big audience, and sometimes just a few people." "But I carry on." "I never understood why you left everything behind to live like a Gypsy." "You were a big success, and could have made it rich." "What can I say?" "I'm a chip off the old block." "I have Gypsy blood in my veins." "I've always preferred the applauses." ""My misfortune, candid damsel, which makes my heart blaspheme is the inspiration to write a poem and not having a cent to buy a candle."" "Lalau, Lalau, you're such a romantic." "The last of your species." "They don't make actors like you anymore." "Like us." "Like your dad." "What can we do?" "We make little money but we have a lot of fun." "We are like children at heart." "The only thing we really want is to have some fun." "Come here, come here, Miosótis." "Sit over here." "Sit over here." "And we've had a lot of fun." "Smiling makes it easier to make it to the middle of hell, a much funnier place." "After all, the devil is an actor just like us." "And what's his favorite song?" "The clown will take a pie in the face if it makes everyone laugh he falls off the tightrope and goes on if it makes everyone laugh the buffoon bends over and tears his pants if it makes everyone laugh" "I enjoyed visiting good old Zimba, but now it was time to get back to work." "if it makes everyone laugh" "Sarasvati!" "We are now beginning a long and thrilling journey to supreme transcendence." "In a little while we will leave these carnal containers that we call matter, to become pure energy and essence." "But in order to achieve such a transmutation, we must know what our real goal is." "What is that goal?" "Interior peace?" "No." "Integration with the cosmos?" "No, no." "Enlightenment." "No." "Not that." "Supreme knowledge." "Not that either." "To meet our creator." "No, no, and no." "Our ultimate goal here on Earth, as we all know, is to make money." "Making money is our only goal in life." "That's right, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, thirty days a month, and twelve months a year." "Relax, you glutton." "You'll get some too." "Yes, and for you too..." "To make money." "So let's free ourselves from guild and say out loud" "what is it that you desire the most?" "Money!" "Louder!" "What do we want?" "Money!" "What is it that you really want?" "Money!" "Sarasvati!" "Wonderful!" "You gave me goose bumps." "Are you feeling any lighter?" "Yes." "The human ability of humiliating himself on behalf of some kind of faith is amazing." "The more I mocked those idiots, the happier they were." "And they were paying me a fortune to do it." "Now tell me, where in you spacious container would you save those bills?" "Perfect, near your sex!" "That's perfect because the sex is synonymous to money, the source of pleasure and of perpetuation of the species." "And where in your luscious carnal container would you save those bills?" "On the breasts!" "On the breasts!" "Which are used for breast-feeding, and breast-feeding is the source of the sap of life, our primary source of food." "Milk is good, so money is good too." "Sarasvati!" "Sarasvati!" "I'm in ecstasy, master!" "Sarasvati!" "Sarasvati!" "Sarasvati!" "Master." "Oh, Ms. Carol!" "Master, I was thinking... maybe we could take your workshop to poor neighborhoods." "You see, I do social work at poor neighborhoods and it would be great if they could lecture them." "Sister, not all are worthy of my lectures." "No, no." "The needy, for instance, are very needy, you see?" "The poor are poor." "That's their Karma." "Wonderful, master!" "Wonderful!" "I feel like I'm the clouds." "And I feel like I could float in the air, master." "Wonderful!" "Wonderful!" "Poverty and wealth alike are gifts." "The difference is that while wealth expands the body, poverty elevates the spirit." "It says so in the Mahatmarata, by Mahatma Svoski." "Well, I'm throwing a party at my house this weekend and I would be honored if you could attend." "I insist." "I'll send a car to pick you up at the hotel." "Is that okay?" "Okay." "Sarasvati!" "Sarasvati!" "Don't be like that, sweetheart." "He'll be back one of these days." "No he won't." "The truth is, he just wanted to get rid of me." "And to think of all the things I went through so we could act together again..." "Father and son together in the same show!" "It would be wonderful, Laurita." "But he despised me." "And left me here broke." "Broke, my ass!" "Here you have a roof, board and sex for free." "You ungrateful old fart!" "Laurita, forgive me, but you know what the problem is?" "I feel just like this canary, trapped in this cage." "While he's free, free to venture... free to..." "Son-of-a-bitch of a son!" "People love an idol, a master." "I was loving the feeling of being a god, but I had to stay focused." "I was on a job, playing a role." "In a week I'd stop impersonating Bob Savanandra and would be my old self again." "Except I'd be one-hundred thousand dollars richer." "Master, what a pleasure." "I'm thrilled that you are here." "You can call me Bob, Ms. Carol." "Only if you call me Carol." "Okay." "I'll introduce you to some friends." "I love making friends." "This is my husband, Rodolfo Magalhães." "What a pleasure, Mr. Savanandra." "You are all over the press, which proves that Castro Gomide's investment sponsoring your trip to Brazil is paying off." "Excuse me, Ms. Carol." "We need to talk." "Rodolfo, please entertain Mr. Savanandra for a while." "There's an urgent matter I have to look into." "Excuse me." "Of course, darling." "Don't worry." "I'll introduce our dear guru to our guests." "Mr. Savanandra, I'd like to introduce you to congressman Plácido Valquintans." "How do you do?" "His wife, Andrea Valquintans." "Oh, and our dear columnist Flora Beltrão." "The most malicious journalist in Brazil." "Would you like a cigar?" "I'd love one." "Can you light me up?" "Now I'd like to introduce you to the ambassador of the Republic of Madagascar." "Ambassador, Mr. Ruppert Mugamba." "Mr. Savanandra!" "What a thrill to know you in person." "I am a big admirer of Your Excellency." "I've read all your books." "With your consent, I'd like to embrace you." "Excuse me." "Did you forget the cue, son?" "What a pleasure to know that I have admirers in the island of Madagascar." "My father, what a coincidence, had a dear friend from Madagascar." "He was a captain in the merchant navy." "What was his name again?" "Empedocles Rebelo." "Do you know him?" "Yes, I knew Mr. Rebelo very well." "Mr. Rebelo, unfortunately, had an ignoble death." "He was eaten by cannibals." "They devoured Mr. Rebelo entirely." "They didn't leave a single bone." "There are cannibals in your country, ambassador?" "Yes, cannibals, leeches, vampires." "But worst of all, the sons usually abandon their parents when they get old." "They leave their poor parents broke." "Without food, water, homeless, and then they die." "Is that common in India, Mr. Savanandra?" "No." "In India we have respect for our elders, because, in return, they respect their children." "I'm very curious about your country, Mr. Savanandra." "Would Your Excellency be as kind as to exchange a few words with me?" "It will be my pleasure." "Please excuse me, Rodolfo." "Make yourself at home." "Excuse me." "Dad, what are you doing here?" "I'm way ahead of you, son." "What's with the guru scam?" "There's gotta be good money in it, isn't there?" "I can't talk about it." "Then I'll go out there and expose you." "No, dad." "Don't do that." "I'll tell you, okay?" "There is some money in it, and yes, I will cut you in." "But, dad, you can't get involved." "How much?" "One-hundred thousand dollars." "Wow!" "That's a lot of money, son." "We can produce our show." "And there will be some change we can use to get laid!" "God, I can't believe this!" "The bidding process was carried out licitly." "Rodolfo personally saw to it that the bidding process was to be carried out legitimately." "Forgive me, Ms. Carol, but I suspect Mr. Magalhães is directly involved in this fraud." "Are you crazy?" "Are you implying that my husband..." ""Love is a fire that burns unseen," "A wound that aches yet isn't felt," "An always discontent contentment," "A pain that rages without hurting,"" ""A longing for nothing but to long," "A loneliness in the midst of people," "A never feeling pleased when pleased" "A passion that gains when lost in thought."" "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "Excuse me." "Sweetheart, where were you?" "Everyone was looking for you." "Don't touch me, Rodolfo." "I've had it with you!" "You're not gonna make a scene in front of our guests, are you?" "No, I know how to behave in public." "But when the guests are gone, we'll have a very serious conversation." "You were great, ambassador." "What vivacity, what aptitude with words..." "What a great memory!" "Reciting Camões by heart..." "I actually am in good shape." "Not to brag, but did you know that I'm older than ninety?" "Ninety?" "No!" "You seem much younger than that." "You seem twenty years younger." "Actually I'm ninety-two." "My memory is fine and I have the heart of a boy." "I was married to a woman fifty years younger than me." "Fifty!" "She was voracious, but very satisfied." "How do you keep in shape?" "My secret lies in the miraculous waters of the sulfurous fountains of Saint Gertrudes." "Something wrong, Carol?" "Oh, master..." "Bob." "Something unpleasant happened." "It ruined my good mood." "Well, if I can help in any way..." "There is nothing you can do." "And how can we buy such a miraculous water?" "It is a divine blessing." "The water is sprinkled on the heads of the believers... for free, at the Saint Gertrudes abbey." "So we have to go to Transylvania to get some?" "That's very far." "But you ladies are very lucky, very lucky indeed." "It so happens that the miraculous saint friar Emil Pussass is now in Brazil." "Puss... what?" "Pussass, gentleman." "Friar Emil Pussass." "He came to my embassy a few days ago in search of a place where he could address a large number of Brazilians to whom he could preach the sacred words." "So he could raise money for the orphans, because there are many orphans in Transylvania." "Many, and he needs a lot of money, a lot of donatives." "He also needs a place large enough where he can sprinkle the sacred water of the youth fountain on the heads of the generous Brazilians." "Ambassador, don't you worry." "We will organize a big charitable party in honor of friar Puss..." "Pussa..." "Pusse..." "Pussass, madam." "Friar Emil Pussass." "My dear son, I'm very proud of you." "I don't know what you're up to, but no doubt it's a great sham." "Get out of my bed, dad." "I want to get some rest." "Why?" "I can't sleep with you here, son?" "It's such a big bed..." "Out!" "How selfish!" "This is very serious." "It's kind of late for serious matters." "I know everything, Rodolfo." "About the fraud in the bidding process for the hydroelectric plant, the five million dollar commission, your account in the Cayman Islands." "How could you do this to me, Rodolfo?" "I was forced to." "I tried to resist... but it was a lot of money, Carol." "Five million dollars, Carol." "Five million." "You know what this can cost us, just because of five million dollars?" "We can lose everything." "Nobody will ever know a thing." "I did everything right." "You did everything wrong, Rodolfo." "I found out about it in less than a week." "You acted like an ordinary pickpocket." "It won't be very hard to get to you, and if they get to you they'll get to me." "Well, what are you going to do about it?" "Me?" "Nothing." "You are." "Whatever the results, good or bad, significant or insignificant, positive or negative, everything that happens in your exterior world is a reflection of your interior world." "In other words, if your exterior life isn't going too well that's because your interior life is kind of shady." "The key to success is to arouse your energy." "Close your eyes." "And once aroused, people will seek you." "And when they do, charge them." "Ten minute break." "Let's go." "Sarasvati!" "Sarasvati!" "Are you okay, Carol?" "Did something happen?" "I can't talk now, but a few words from you would soothe me." "A beautiful woman's heart is a shiny crystal, which broken cuts the imprudent man's hand." "Only you can appease me." "What's this, Carol?" "People can see us." "Stop by my house at night." "What about your husband?" "I don't have a husband anymore." "It was like a demon whispering in my ear," ""Go for it, dude!"" "Do we inherit our fathers' demons?" "Whatever the answer, I went for it." "What a pile of shit you got yourself into, Lalau Velasco!" "Wow, Carol!" "You look so different." "This way I feel free, free from guilt." "What if someone sees us?" "Don't worry, it's just the two of us." "Me, you and the cosmos." "Since the first time I saw you I felt something inexplicable." "An intense energy..." "First I need to have a drink." "Champagne." "I'd love some." "Cheers!" "I'm sorry." "I'm so clumsy!" "Who needs this?" "Ms. Carol you are hot!" "Ladies, it is my humble pleasure to introduce you to His Holiness Friar Emil Pussass." "He says he is very pleased to be here in Brazil and that he is even more pleased to know that you ladies are willing to collaborate in the noble assistance to the poor, so many poor little souls in the Transylvanian orphanages." "The holy man says that those willing to contribute can do so by depositing it in the urn Sister Anastácia is holding." "I would suggest that contributions be made only in cash, or jewels." "Praised be the Lord!" "The saint says, "Thank you, kindly."" "Hallelujah, my Lord!" "Carol..." "I think I drank too much, Carol." "It's the champagne." "Soon you'll be okay." "Bob!" "Are you alright?" "Zimba, my dear." "If I didn't know it was you in that habit," "I may have asked your blessing." "I welcome the money, but it wasn't necessary." "Just acting the part would have satisfied me." "I know what you mean." "You think I come up with these shams for the money?" "No." "It's all for the sake of the show." "Ms. Carol?" "Ms. Carol?" "Are you in there." "Ms. Carol?" "Dad, pack your bags, we gotta get the hell out of here!" "What?" "I'm in trouble." "Wait a minute there, that line is mine." "I'm not joking, dad." "I'm serious." "Tragedy struck." "I need you to pack your bags, 'cause we gotta get lost now." "What did you do, son?" "I didn't do anything, dad." "What about the money?" "Dad, forget the money." "Hide!" "Hide in the bathroom." "But why?" "Hurry up, I'll explain later." "Tell daddy..." "Don't move." "Are you Bob Savanandra?" "Who's asking?" "Mr. Savanandra, you are under arrest for the murder of Ms. Carol Gomide." "Take it easy, people" "Take him away." "You have the right to remain silent." "Everything you say may and will be used against you in a court of law." "What about my preventive habeas-corpus?" "What habeas-corpus?" "These images were recorded by Ms. Carol's security system?" "Do you recognize that person?" "That's me." "Well, according to this footage you arrived at Ms. Carol Gomide's house around nine p.m. Correct?" "Yes." "Approximately at that time." "And what were you doing at Ms. Carol's house?" "Discussing business?" "Or was it private?" "Private." "Very private." "Was it intimate?" "Do you want to know if we had sex?" "Did you?" "No." "Actually, I'm not sure." "I got there, we drank, I drank a little too much and I passed out, puff." "When I woke up I looked at her and she was dead." "But I didn't kill her." "Is this gun yours?" "Of course not." "I don't have a gun, people." "I never had one." "This is the gun that killed Ms. Carol, and your fingerprints are on it, which means you fired it recently." "Probably to fire the two shots that killed Ms. Carol." "I didn't kill..." "I didn't kill anybody." "I already said that!" "Then what happened?" "I don't remember?" "As I said, I drank too much, puff, passed out, and don't remember anything else." "At what time did you leave Ms. Carol's house?" "Between eight and nine o'clock." "I woke up, looked at her, panicked and ran." "The maid said there was no one home." "That's because I left, out the window." "Out the window like a thief." "I was scared." "When I looked at her she was dead." "I just thought I had to get out of there fast." "That's not me." "Ms. Carol was killed between two and three a.m." "The same time you left the house." "That's not me." "You'd better collaborate, Mr. Savanandra." "I'm not..." "I'm not Bob Savanandra." "My name is Stanislau Velasco, aka Lalau Velasco." "I'm, I'm an actor." "What are you saying?" "I was hired by journalist Flora Beltrão to impersonate this Bob Savanandra character and do some workshops he was supposed to do here in Brazil." "That's the craziest story I've ever heard." "Please have a seat." "Do you recognize this gentleman?" "Of course." "He's Bob Savanandra." "What do you mean?" "It's me Lalau." "You hired me in Ceará." "Mr. Savanandra, I did hire you, but in the United States." "I brought copies of the e-mails we exchanged including the receipt for your advance." "No, Flora." "Quit joking." "It's me Lalau Velasco." "You hired me to impersonate Bob Savanandra." "I don't know who is this Velasco." "You're Bob Savanandra to me." "So Bob, do you deny this?" "What did he do?" "He murdered Ms. Carol Gomide." "Ms. Carol!" "How could you do such a thing?" "I didn't kill anyone, and my name's not Bob Savanandra." "People, I'm Lalau Velasco." "Take him away." "This woman is a liar!" "I didn't do anything!" "She's lying!" "My name's Lalau Velasco." "I'm an actor!" "I spent all night awake trying to figure out what had happened." "I knew I hadn't killed Carol." "And it was evident that Flora was involved in her death." "But why would she create such a farce?" "Who could help me?" "Nobody." "I was fucked." "Guru, someone's here to see you." "It's your lawyer." "Dad!" "Speak low." "Right now I'm your lawyer" "Fragoso Leitão." "Oh, no!" "And since when do you know anything about being a lawyer, dad?" "Since I acted in that play, "Light Shines On Everyone,"" "staring Fernanda Montenegro." "I studied hard, rehearsed a lot, won the Molière Prize for that play." "Don't give me that, dad." "This is serious." "This is gonna complicate me even more." "Don't worry, son." "Nothing will go right." "I'm fucked!" "Relax." "Be patient." "I'll get you out of here." "Now tell me, how you got involved in this mess?" "It was a set up, dad." "I told the old man the whole story." "That I had been hired by Flora, that I had impersonated Bob Savanandra, and how I ended up in bed with Ms. Carol dead." "All I know is that I didn't kill Ms. Carol, dad." "There's no doubt somebody pulled a date rape on you." "A toxicological exam?" "Exactly." "My client says he was drugged." "I demand he be examined." "We will, but it won't do any good." "There are fingerprints, traces of gunpowder on his fingers, and there's the footage, that shows your client leaving Ms. Carol's house minutes after she was murdered." "Can I see the footage?" "Sure." "You can't see the face." "Is that necessary?" "The only nut case dressed like an Indian who had gone to Ms. Carol's house was your client." "There's something wrong here, and I'm going to find out what it is." "It's a waste of time." "My regrets." "Thank you." "My regrets." "Thank you." "Ms. Carol was a very dear person." "Very dear indeed." "They left together." "Did anything happen?" "Well, I didn't see anything, but it sure looked like something was going on." "Tell me, did Ms. Carol say anything that could, that could give us a lead?" "No." "I mean, she was upset." "She disappeared after the party." "She disappeared from my sight." "She seemed weird when she came back." "Actually she was very upset." "I remember she cried and I had to comfort her." "So you took advantage of the situation and took the lady to bed," "didn't you, you scoundrel?" "This is serious, dude!" "But something must have happened to make her so upset." "I remember that at a certain point she asked Rodolfo to entertain me and left to speak to some guy." "What guy?" "This guy here." "Where is he?" "Here, see?" "By the way, it was after she came back from talking to him that she, that she looked really upset." "Here are the results from the toxicological exam." "We did find a large amount of flunitrezepan in your client's blood, which is the active component in several sleeping pills." "Then my client was right, he was drugged." "That does not exclude the other evidences." "Your client may have murdered Ms. Carol before he passed out." "Maybe, and maybe not." "There is doubt." ""In dubio pro reo", as put it the Romans." ""Data venia," the jury will decide that." "I'm sorry, but this seat is taken." "Not anymore." "Ms. Carol hasn't even cooled down in the grave and here you are." "Why are you celebrating?" "What I do on my free time is no one's business." "It's exactly what you do on your free time that interests me." "For instance, what were you doing before you went to Ms. Carol's house?" "I know you went there." "And it wasn't to have a drink with her." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Of course you know." "Don't lie to me." "Ouch!" "You're hurting me!" "We know everything." "If you don't collaborate, things will get tough on your side." "You do know that the weaker party usually gets the blame." "But I have nothing to do with this." "It's all her husband's fault." "Her husband's?" "Yeah." "Mr." "Magalhães?" "That's right." "I thought Ms. Carol was involved." "No." "Ms. Carol didn't know a thing." "She - ouch - asked me to look into the bidding process." "She got very upset when she found out that he had tampered with the bid." "She knew that if the opposition discovered about the fraud..." "You're hurting me... ouch running for senate would be out of the question." "Now things are starting to make sense." "What about the young lady?" "What young lady?" "The journalist Flora." "I heard that she was seeing Mr. Magalhães." "You know, everybody has sex with everybody." "Except with you, right?" "That's it!" "What is it, mister attorney?" "That's it!" "Tell me, dad." "What is it that you found out?" "Relax, young man." "You will have the privilege to witness a great scene firsthand." "Is this why you brought me here, chief?" "To see my wife's murderer?" "Haven't I gone through enough?" "Relax, Mr. Magalhães." "There are some points that need to be clarified and we thought that maybe you could give us a hand." "I'll do anything to help the Police lock up this scoundrel." "Did you know that your wife was having an affair with Mr. Savanandra?" "And you are..." "I am Fragoso Leitão, attorney at law." "But please answer my question, Mr. Magalhães." "Well, this is a very delicate matter for me." "But I must confess that I had my suspicions." "Carol was very much into the spiritual thing." "She was quite a believer." "When she met this joker, Carol was quite impressed." "I believe he may have taken advantage of her interest in mysticism to, to seduce her." "Maybe it wasn't my client who seduced your wife, but quite the contrary." "In what does that change things?" "He went there and killed her." "Well, there is no doubt that he went there, but not to kill her." "Perhaps, another person" "knowing that Mr. Savanandra was invited to your house used that information, hiding himself at the house and waiting for the appropriate occasion to act on it." "That's mere speculation." "The evidence shows that he killed her." "No." "The evidence shows that my client was there." "But not that he killed her." "Because..." "the main thing is missing..." "the motive." "And you are going to tell us what the motive is, mister..." "Fragoso Leitão, attorney at law." "Well, let's say I have a great story to tell." "Would you like to hear it?" "Since I was brought here for no reason, carry on." "It all began with a bid for the construction of a big hydroelectric plant in Ceará." "A very expensive construction at the cost of hundreds of millions of dollars." "The winner of the bid was facilitated by someone at the cost of a five million dollar commission, that would be given as a contribution to Ms. Carol's campaign for senate." "Someone very close to Ms. Carol used her name as leverage, made a deal with the construction company and received five million dollars, that were never deposited in Ms. Carol's campaign account." "They were deposited in a secret account in the Cayman Islands." "And who was that someone?" "Well now, chief, her very own husband, Mr. Rodolfo Magalhães." "What is this?" "What are you saying?" "Chief, this is absurd!" "You brought me here to be vilified by this guy?" "Relax, Mr. Magalhães." "As I said, this is just a story." "May I carry on?" "Please do." "When Ms. Carol found out that the bidding process had been fraudulent, she was very upset." "She kicked him out of the house." "With just one blow he lost everything, his wife, his house, his job, five million and his freedom." "Isn't that motive enough for him to murder his wife?" "To be fair to Mr. Magalhães," "I doubt that he intended to murder his wife." "He just wanted to stop her from telling the truth." "And that was when he had the great idea to exploit his wife's passion for the fake Bob Savanandra to put pressure on her." "The idea was to catch them in bed and then threaten her." "But unfortunately for him, only my client was doped." "No, Rodolfo!" "Stay calm!" "I'm not going to jail!" "So he decided to kill Ms. Carol, making it look like Bob Savanandra had done it." "What a fascinating story, mister attorney." "Fascinating!" "But unfortunately the facts do not support it." "The footage from the security camera show your client leaving my house a short while after killing my wife." "Can we please watch that footage again?" "Mr. Magalhães, can you please tell us what you are looking at?" "Of course." "Your client leaving our house right after murdering my wife." "That's not quite it." "What you are seeing is someone wearing" "Bob Savanandra's clothes." "Perhaps someone who looks very much like my client." "Where was I again, chief?" "Oh, yes." "At the point when you kill your wife and place put my client in a delicate situation." "You were going to leave the house but you remembered about the security camera." "Since the camera showed Bob Savanandra arriving at your house it had to show him leaving it." "What is it that you want?" "That the footage not be used as evidence against your client?" "No." "Quite the opposite." "I insist that they be used as evidence." "Because they prove my client's innocence..." "And your guilt, Mr. Magalhães." "There are other ways to identify a person, even when their faces can't be seen." "There are marks, birthmarks," "tattoos... such as this one." "Would you care to check, mister Chief of Police?" "Nothing here." "Mr. Magalhães, would you allow us to examine your neck?" "Mr. Rodolfo Magalhães, you are under arrest for the murder of Ms. Carol Gomide." "Brilliant, Ramon Velasco." "You were magnificent." "Having played an attorney's role in a play by Agatha Christie was quite useful." "Life always imitates art." "Going on a trip?" "They say that this time of year the weather is great at the Cayman Islands." "Who are you?" "I'm Fragoso Leitão, Mr. Bob Savanandra's attorney." "Actually, Lalau Velasco's attorney." "And what do you want from me?" "That you keep you promise." "What do you mean?" "I'm talking about the fifty-thousand dollars you owe my client for the great job he did for you as an actor." "You should know by now that your liver, your accomplice" "Mr. Rodolfo Magalhães, as we speak, is at the police station signing a confession that he murdered Ms. Carol Gomide." "But my client and I decided not implicate you if you pay up the fifty-thousand you owe him." "But that's blackmail!" "What are fifty-thousand dollars, compared to the five million that await you in the Cayman Islands?" "Here's approximately fifty-thousand dollars." "I think that's more than enough to buy your silence." "Fair enough." "Don't forget the sunscreen." "The weather is very hot where you're going to." "Excuse me." "Taxi!" "Stop right there." "You're under arrest." "Wait." "This must be some kind of mistake." "You're hurting me!" "That's my bag!" "That's my bag!" "I want my lawyer..." "Rosa!" "With the dollars I earned I went back to Ceará, to my beach, to Rosa, who actually did wait for me, and I compensated her for her dedication." "Oh, and I gave my dad half of the money." "I thought he'd quit the shams, the hoaxes, but to what avail are fifty-thousand dollars to someone who has two demons?" "Two demons!" "Come and try Doctor Ramon Velasco's miraculous potion." "It's guaranteed to cure erectile dysfunctions, precocious ejaculation and impotence." "A five hour erection guaranteed." "There's a limited stock." "Take it easy!" "Take it easy!" "You can guess what happened, right?" "The elders who hadn't had sex for ages decided to catch up and drank two, three, ten bottles of the potion at once." "The outcome: three heart attacks and one casualty." "And that's the truth folks." "My dad had to hurry out of there, and as far as I know the old man's still on the run." "I'm serious." "But I'm sure that at any given moment, when we least expect it, he will show up, yelling the same old line..." "Let's get out of here, Lalau!" "Shit, dad!" "Here too?" "Let's go." "Amodeus got me in trouble again." "Oh, no!" "Not again." "Don't you learn?" "Don't worry, nothing will go right." "Nothing will go right we might as well relax." "the smarter you are the better you'll do pretend" "life has no rules transgressing is alright everyone is fine when they just want to have fun" "nothing will get fixed for you who insists that things will change better than just crying is crying from laughing so hard." "wise is he who laughs at pain when nothing can be done about it no one can ban smirks" "and laughs" "life is a bitch and you have to cope and if you joke about it people will applaud and laugh and laugh" "no matter how bad the situation life's about making people laugh" "the clown will take a pie in the face if it makes everyone laugh he falls off the tightrope and goes on if it makes everyone laugh the buffoon bends over and tears his pants if it makes everyone laugh slams his nose on a fake door" "if it makes everyone laugh" "Thank you and a big hug!"