"ALAN DAVIES" " AS YET UNTITLED CTO M846Y/82 BF000000" "This is probably one of the most exclusive parts of London, but just round the corner, there's a coin-operated laundrette." "Well, hi everybody!" "See you later!" "To actually be on the new show for Dave, starring Alan Davies with what's happened to his career..." "Well, it's exciting." "I've got too much make-up on and I can't walk in this right shoe." "Two?" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Hello, I'm Alan Davies, welcome to As Yet Untitled." "This is the show where four people join me and we have a conversation." "There's no agenda or much preparation goes on - our ambition is to find a title for the show - which we will do by the end of it." "Um..." "Let's meet the guests." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Welcome, welcome, to all of you." "I have Lucy Beaumont here." "Lucy Beaumont was carried over a 20-foot fence by a Lithuanian car park attendant." "Lucy Beaumont, everyone." "APPLAUSE" "Jonathan Ross." "Jonathan Ross once properly punched a goat." "Yes, in fact." "We'll hear about that." "APPLAUSE" "I had to do it." "We're delighted to welcome Germaine Greer." "Germaine Greer describes herself as a "hanger on"" "to the rock scene of the 1970s." "APPLAUSE" "And Tom Wrigglesworth." "Tom Wrigglesworth has a propensity to over-react to domestic appliances." "APPLAUSE" "Can I show you something?" "Well!" "OK, I think we all had in our dressing rooms a little thing of some food and some snacks." "When you come on a show, they give you treats, don't they?" "So there were some sweets and there were some crisps and a small bowl of fruit... and I thought, that's very nice." "And we take it for granted, we shouldn't take it for granted." "So I thought, well, I'm going to eat all of this, so I show I don't take it for granted." "So I had a bit of the grapes and I had some raspberries and then some blueberries and then I came to the banana - and I've saved the banana, cos I'd like you to have a look at the banana, Alan." "I don't know if you know what's being offered to us in your name." "This show is a representation of you." "Now, I'm going to ask you whether you stand by this banana." "OK?" "Did you have this sized banana?" "Yeah." "Look at that." "That's what was in the..." "Is that a banana?" "It's like a fun-size banana, that's what it is." "That's not even a mouthful!" "No, imagine that though - that was the best banana you could get on the planet and it was a sign of the way things were going." "But hang on a minute - this is a Lady's Finger." "Most of the bananas you eat are Cavendish - the great big starchy banana, which I think are dreary." "These are delicious." "Delicious." "Are they sweeter?" "They're more banana-y." "They actually taste like the banana of your dreams." "No..." "No, I'm going to stop you there, Germaine." "The banana of my dreams is a foam banana you get from sweetshops, it's about that big." "Well, it probably tastes more like a banana than a Cavendish does." "I might have a mouthful of that, now." "Here you go." "Would you like to share some of my...?" "No." "You've been around the block and you're turning down a bit of my banana?" "I don't know where it's been." "Well, I'll save it for later." "Now I know it's a delectable treat, I apologise." "I thought you were just being tight." "No, I imagine they're very expensive." "I thought the EU regulations had clamped down on this sort of thing." "It's nearly straight, isn't it?" "Are they supposed to be curved in some way?" "That was the EU law." "There was a minimum curvature, I think, that's allowed." "I thought Lady's Fingers though, was, um..." "That's that horrible stuff you get in curries." "No, it's bhindi, it's okra." "It's the bhindi Bhaji." "I don't like it." "Well, just cos you don't like it, doesn't mean it's horrible." "Well, how else can you find what's horrible..." "Who died and made you Nigel Farage?" "I don't like them." "I like all the other things you can get... except that." "Germaine, when you were writing for magazines years ago, you went under the name of "Dr G", which is one of my favourite things about you." "Did anyone know it was Germaine Greer when you were "Dr G"?" "Dr G the day-tripper?" "Yeah." "But I was also two characters in the story, because I was interviewing a groupie as Dr G, the underground newspaper journalist, but the groupie was me, as well." "Oh, were you?" "Did you have some groupie times?" "Now, listen..." "It's a challenging opener." "These are stories that I don't tell." "Generally speaking, the rule is, while they are still alive," "I don't talk about them." "So there's no way I'm going to fill you in on that." "There's no "30-year rule" or anything like that, like there is with the government?" "Alas, my archive has been sold to the University of Melbourne." "So if you really want to know, you have to travel 12,000 miles to Melbourne." "Are they going to have a separate section for the kind of like, you know, the learned works and the progressive works of feminism and the "I was Dr G and also a groupie"?" "Cos let's face it - that's what we're most interested in right now." "Well, I didn't have a full run of the underground pornographic magazine that I was one of the editors of." "There were only six numbers, it was horribly illegal at the time - that was partly to keep it out of commercial porn." "So I did a pin-up for them that couldn't possibly be used by a commercial pornographer, because it showed all the bits that you weren't allowed to show and nothing else." "Wow!" "All the lady bits?" "Well, you've got some of them." "I like to think I have a large collection." "What I'm trying to say..." "That makes me sound like a serial killer." "What I'm trying to say is that we both have anuses." "We do - and mine is spectacular, Germaine!" "But whilst we're here..." "Because back then, because of the kind of sanitised view of what..." "When the woman's body was being projected in that objective way, we didn't get to see the reality at all, so you went all out and it was a kind of full-on but, very kind of..." "Brutal is the wrong word, but...honest shot." "Well, it wasn't..." "It wasn't airbrushed, or anything like that." "You didn't even hold a piece of gauze in front?" "No, no, no." "That's what they do with Gloria Hunniford when she's on TV these days." "Not her anus, by the way." "You've done porn?" "You've done a naked photo in a magazine?" "Yes, dear... ..and it was a very long time ago." "But was it "porn" as such, or was it more of an exploration of the way we were viewing those images, wasn't it?" "Well, what I was hoping to do..." "Well, the thing is, we were producing a pornographic magazine like all the others - it was called "Suck" instead of "Screw", which is the New York version, because "Screw" is a sadistic idea." "If you screw something, you've ruined it." "If you suck it..." "Well, it depends..." "If it's a mint..." "You might reduce it." "Eventually, it will disappear." "So the idea was that all the editors of Suck magazine - which was produced in Amsterdam - would do their own naked shot, so that we would be just as exposed and just as vulnerable as all the silly young people." "Were they mostly male editors?" "All, except for Purple Susan." "Oh, Purple Susan?" "I think Purple Susan was a woman, I didn't actually inspect her." "What a photo that was." "I wonder if they used a flash?" "Yeah!" "Did she do one?" "No, nobody did." "No, except you?" "I did - and so then..." "Was this a practical joke?" "Of them on me?" "Yeah." "Very possibly." "So what they did with that picture was, they put it on page three and they did it as a full page..." "version of the photograph and they cut my signature off a letter and put it on the photograph, as if it was a pin up - and that was issue five of Suck, I think." "And how many issues did you hang around for?" "Six." "I once took a photo of myself in the mirror in the nude." "I've seen that." "I've put it on page three of my new magazine, Flick." "Do you know what I did?" "I took it so that the flash was covering up my face, in case anyone found it." "Why would you take a picture of yourself in the nude?" "Cos I was going to give it to someone I was attracted to." "So this was like the first dick pic?" "It's pathetic." "You led the way." "I mean, it was comical." "You know your idea in your head of a picture of yourself in the nude?" "Proud." "Germaine, of course, was very beautiful when she was younger." "I don't know..." "I didn't show a beautiful part of me." "No, you went for something that made a statement." "It was hard to take..." "I like a nice anus, I don't have a problem with that." "I like an anus." "It's well-lit." "And if you eat hot dogs, you've probably had quite a few in your mouth, anyway." "What do you mean?" "You're a vegetarian, aren't you?" "Hot dogs, they don't waste any meat, it's all that processed meat." "You're getting gums, balls, arseholes, eyelids, every..." "Eyeballs, urgh!" "Lips and arseholes - that's what they say about burgers." "Yeah, but they taste great, don't they?" "You've said the word "anus" about five times, now." "I love an anus!" "I remember I once was doing this show about Tarzan movies and I was offered the opportunity to go and meet the original Cheetah, who's still alive." "I think Cheetah might not be..." "But chimps live a long life, but they stop being cute after a certain period, so you don't see them in films." "So I went out and the Cheetah now lives in Las Vegas, in retirement and was in a kind of hole, where they had other chimps and it wasn't..." "It was a bit disconcerting, because they were obviously really damaged animals, psychologically, and hated being there and when they brought Cheetah out..." "And Cheetah obviously quite liked being out - it was a break in Cheetah's routine." "Turns out Cheetah's a female, not a male and she was quite old and big and first of all they said," ""You've got to do the interview"" "and it really wasn't much of an interview, I'll be honest with you, cos she didn't speak English, but it was a mock interview - it was a bit of colour in this show," "where I met all the old Tarzans that were still alive." "So they say, "We've got to do the interview by the swimming pool" I said, "Why's that?"," ""Because Chimps can't swim." I said, "I don't understand." "If she goes for you - which she might " ""she could tear your arm off in a second, so if she looks like she's coming your way, jump in the pool."" "So already, I'm a little bit nervous." "Then they brought out - before we started - like, two six-packs of beer." "And I said, "Oh..." "No, while I'm working, I'm fine."" "They went, "No, it's not for you, it's for her." "Keeps her calm."" "They took them all out of the plastic, but left all the cans there and during the interview - or this fake interview - I was going, "So, Cheetah..."" "You know, I was about 28 " ""So, Cheetah, when you were first working on the Tarzan movie..."" "and she would just look at me and go... ..like that, just crush it like that, and I'd be like, "Ahh!" I'd panic." "It's a good job you didn't show her these bananas." "I know, she'd have been furious!" "And then finally, at the end of it, I said," ""Well, does Cheetah have much fun?" "Thanks for letting us see them"..." ""Yeah, she goes on the back of my scooter sometimes"" "and the guy got his scooter out of the garage, climbs on the back, put Cheetah on, who was now pissed, frankly." "I mean, she'd had at least 12 cans of lager in about an hour." "Put on the back and as they drove off" " I'm not making this up " "Cheetah looked back at me and went...." "It was the most damning critique of my interviewing skills" "I've ever received." "She went like that." "Now, Lucy Beaumont." "Lucy Beaumont..." "Yes?" "You were carried over a 20-foot fence..." "Yeah." "..by a Lithuanian car park attendant." "Yeah." "Can I first ask about this?" "Are you sure it was 20 foot?" "I don't know." "How high is 20 foot?" "Well, it's a lot higher than the average car park attendant." "It was...." "It was massive." "Yeah." "Yeah, I think about 20 foot." "Was it quite recently?" "No, it was a few years ago, now." "I did a play - it was the first play I ever did, at a place called Hull Truck." "We know Hull Truck." "Do you know it?" "The old one, Spring Street." "Can I tell you something about Hull Truck?" "I sponsor one of the toilets." "Yeah, you could, yeah..." "It's got my name on one of the bogs." "It's been demolished, now, but..." "Has it?" "Yeah." "He still sends them 20 quid a month." "I know, yes." "I'll have my toilet door back then, before they chuck it out." "It's all gone." "But, yeah, I did a play there and I had a bit of a gap before I had to go on and I went outside and I went to just like cool down, because it was summer " "and the door, the fire exit door that should have been open - it locked on me and I didn't..." "So you were stuck out?" "Yeah, I was out the back and I didn't try it at first, because I thought that... it might be all right and that it was just in my head and that it was going to unlock" "and it didn't... ..and then I heard the laughter die down and I only had one scene left and then I had to be on stage." "And the way it was, it was a huge car park out the back, then these big huge fences and then another car park and I didn't know what to do and so I just did a run up," "up the fence and the security guard from the next car park - this Lithuanian guy - he went, "What you doing?" I went," ""I'm in a play and I'm locked out" and it was incredible." "He managed to get over, hurdle over his fence and then him and me, we both got over ours and it was like Benny Hill - we ran round the side of the building and there was these kids watching, they ran as well" "and it seemed like there was loads of us and we ran into the front of the box office and everyone..." "All the bar staff were like, "Oh, God"" "And then we all..." "There was about ten of us by this point and we all us ran round the back and I got on stage, just on my line and I had little bits of shrubbery and stuff in my hair and her first line to me was," ""Where have you been?"" "I was like, "I'll tell you afterwards"" "It was amazing - and I never worked there again." "What was your costume?" "What were you wearing?" "I was in like a straw hat." "Hold on, how come you've left that out until now?" "Because that's one of the best parts of the story." "Someone told me once that Laurence Olivier was doing Othello and he was doing it in Chichester." "And when he did Othello, he blacked himself up and he buffed himself and he shone himself." "He did his own make-up and it took him a long time." "He was there, I don't know, two hours or something and he got himself to this point where you could almost see your reflection in him." "He was shining and he looked and then he acted and he was in that role and in that character." "Anyway, with all the make-up on and the gear and the energy of the performance, he would get quite hot and he would go out the back of the Chichester Festival Theatre and get some fresh air and scare the crap out of the passers-by," "in leafy, quiet Chichester, where it was almost, what?" "Probably 99.99% white." "And also, he wasn't actually a black man, he was a weird man who'd covered himself with a thick black wax." "But they didn't know that - they didn't know it was Laurence Olivier, they just thought there was someone roaming around the back of Chichester, hot, part-marching around and shouting." "Screaming about his wife." "Yeah!" "Have you ever worn that kind of thick body make-up?" "When I used to review movies for the BBC, I reviewed The Hours once, and I didn't care for the movie terribly much." "I didn't particularly like it and I thought far too much attention was focused on..." "I think it was Nicole Kidman playing Virginia Woolf and they'd given her a prosthetic nose." "Cos Virginia had quite a beak on her, didn't she?" "And so, I thought, as a joke, for that part of the show - and it wasn't my finest hour - and of course there have been many others I could put on that list, but I thought it might be quite funny, cos I gently mocked that, it detracted from..." "I thought I'd start the show normally, and then, during the course of the show, my nose would grow." "And many have said..." "Unfortunately, I met David Hare on a plane and he looked at me in a terrible withering, judging way, which I fully can understand." "So I started and at the beginning of the show..." "We recorded it in a smaller studio than this." "It was very hot and then the first wax nose was fine, but by the time of the third or fourth one, my nose felt like it was on fire and I had a much greater respect for Nicole Kidman, ever since then." "Today, I was talking to somebody about a film they want me to do a narration for, which is about deforestation in Papua New Guinea." "I can see your eyes misting over." "But I was saying to him," "I think we need a sequence where a tree is felled and to see all the things that are smashed - the orchids, the birds' nests, the little birds, the eggs, the snakes, everything." "All these things are now expropriated - they now have nowhere to live." "They were entirely dependent upon that fabulous tree." "Presumably they said, "Yes, let's do that sequence"." "Well, there's a question of money." "I might have to hustle to get some money and to get the cameramen - you really need brilliant cameramen and you need many of them." "That would be a great sequence, though, wouldn't it?" "Yeah, it would be amazing." "You could use, maybe broccoli..." "One of these bananas..." "It's not supporting much in the way of life, that banana." "No, no, but I mean, a sense of perspective." "If you put a..." "Some broccoli...near this...." "I'm thinking James Bond." "I'm thinking because it's a smaller banana than one would normally see, the perspective..." "The perspective would give the broccoli a sense of a huge old oak, or whatever the tree was that you mentioned." "The big grand thousand..." "Insects, possums..." "I'm not sure whether you really listened to the passion through which Germaine spoke of this dead tree of hers." "I'm actually trying to help." "Things affect you in funny ways." "The other day..." "You know, with all the terror suspects and everything else in the news and we've had our terror alert upgraded to "inevitable", or whatever, whatever it is," "I don't know what the thing is, and it affected me, because, for no reason, later on that afternoon," "I changed my eBay password..." "Wow." "..as a direct consequence of being on high alert, they are getting to us, Alan." "They are." "And I'll tell you what - what was weird, was that..." "We think computers know everything these days..." "They do, they do." "You say that, Alan..." "I changed my eBay password, right?" "I typed it in and the computer said, "Oh, it's weak."" "It's easy." "It said it was easy." "No, it's only easy, cos I've just told you what it is." "Twice, as well." "I had to type this in twice - "Superman45" twice." "You can't come back and go, "Well, that's..."" "You've just told everyone what it is, it's bloody easy now." "What's going to turn up on Wednesday?" "I'm going home and buying her loads of broccoli on your eBay account, OK?" "Eventually, does it say, "Oh, that's good." ""Now you're talking."" "The only time you get its approval is if you put in" ""Exclamation mark-X-ampersand, Y-Y-P-P, smiley face..."" "Use something so impossible, no-one will ever remember it and then it goes, "great"." "Including you." "Yeah, and then you're fucked." "You can never ever buy something you don't need again on eBay again." "The only way I'd believe it is if the computer said," ""Think of a new password, Tom," ""don't tell me what it is"." "I'm going to guess." ""Just go look at the printer"" "and if it had printed out your password..." "I've been following you for years, I've checked all your e-mails," "I know all your purchases, I know exactly what you're on about." ""Superman45", that was too easy." "We like it in our house when it says on a film," ""Warning" if you're watching a movie channel and it says, "Strong sex"." "We like that, but we never see "weak sex"." "There's never a weak sex warning." ""Unconvincing sex"." "Yeah, you won't like this sex." "It's rubbish." ""Warning, shit story"." "That's what they..." "I wish I could show you, but I can't..." "But you can make..." "You know you were saying about broccoli?" "Yeah." "You can..." "It's absolutely brilliant, I saw it on the internet." "You know the little bits of the broccoli floret heads?" "You can make a broc-collie..." "You can make a collie dog." "That's it." "A broc-collie?" "I wish I could..." "I need to show you, cos it's so easy to make." "Do you mean like, with a knife, you pare it out and..." "No." "You know the floret head?" "Well, you put..." "A dog's head on it?" "I need some broccoli." "You put some eyes and, you know, a mouth on it and put the broccoli head the other way round and that's the head and the other bit of broccoli is for the body and then the two little bits..." "So the bumpy bits are the ears when you turn it round and the face is the stem coming out?" "It looks so much like a collie dog." "But like a very small green one?" "Yeah, a green one." "It's on the internet." "If you Google image..." ""Broc-collie"..." "I'm going to." "But I wish I never mentioned it, because..." "I need to show you." "I think we are going to..." "All of us, apart from Germaine perhaps, will be searching for "broc-collie" when we get home." "I've got some." "In your bag?" "With you?" "With you?" "Here?" "No, love!" "It's in the pantry." "That would have been magnificent, if she could have produced a large head of broccoli." "And then she whittled it into a collie." "Hold on, hold on!" "You can't pretend that didn't just happen." "Have you seen the Australia map that's half dog, half cat?" "Oh, wow." "No." "Haven't you?" "No." "Oh, when you see that, you can never not see it." "And it's the...map of Australia..." "So whenever I look at the map of Australia," "I'll see a dog on one side and a cat on the other?" "Exactly." "That's exactly what you'll see." "That's a very bold claim you're making there." "I'm going to avoid that in every possible way." "I had a poppadom, recently... ..and it broke completely..." "I mean, I didn't plan this in any way...and when it broke, what was left was almost exactly like Australia, to the extent that I photographed it and showed it to people, going," ""That's amazing", I said, "Yeah, that's what happened"." "And I put it on Twitter to say," ""Look at this poppadom that looks like Australia"" "and all that happened was people from Tasmania got in touch and livid..." "livid." "I'm on their side." ""There it is, forgotten again", you know, like that." "I had to apologise." "I had to keep apologising " ""I'm so sorry, I've eaten Tasmania"." ""You're so delicious, I ate you first"." "Yeah." "Well, we've got a French Bulldog at home called Snowball." "His full name is Professor Snowball, but it's an honorary degree - and he's a delightfully stupid animal, he sticks his tongue out and he farts quite a lot, and when he farts, he just looks at you as if to go," "It's like, no-one's enjoying that but you." "But for a brief period, just..." "Cos you know their back end is all exposed..." "It's like your photo-spread, you see everything, right?" "I mean, not exactly like you..." "Anyway, but for a brief period, above his anus, a mark appeared, which looked just like that statue of Jesus in Rio, like that." "And I thought, should I take a photograph of this and put it on the internet..." "Oh, no." "..or will that upset people?" "You've said the word "anus" about five times, now." "I love an anus." "Could you call it "bottom" instead?" "It's just something about "anus."" "No, because it was his actual anus." "I know, but..." "I mean, it was the actual hole." "I have a story about an anus, if you'd care to hear it?" "Told to me recently by Michael Caine..." "Yeah?" "..reporting what Noel Coward had told him - that's some fine pedigree anus going on there." ""An-us" is a better word." ""An-us"?" "I can't tell it with "an-us"." ""An-us" isn't how you say it." "Sounds more Latin." "Unfortunately, I think in Greek, "An-us" means "old woman"." "Awkward." "Does it really?" "We're all trying not to make loads of jokes right now." "So go on, what happened to Noel Coward's anus?" "When they were shooting The Italian Job, they all went out for a dinner once a week at the Savoy and I was just excited to hear this - how great to be Michael Caine in, like, the mid '60s" "and you're hanging out with, like, Noel Coward and they were telling each other stories and some of them were very sweet... but Noel Coward told him he'd been to the doctor recently." "His health hadn't been great." "He had a pain near his... "An-us"?" ""An-us"." "His annus mirabilis." "It was - it was a mirabilis that he got there." "So, the doctor had a look at it and said, "I'm sorry, Mr Coward, "I can't see anything"" "and he went, "No, you must be able to see something, dear boy," ""it's an absolute nightmare." "I can't sleep at night"." "He said, "I can't see anything."" ""It's a boil or something, it must be subcutaneous," ""have a good look, I need you to do something about it, "I can't get a wink of sleep."" "He said, "I can't see anything", "Have a bloody good look, man - it's right next to the entrance"" "and the Doctor stopped and said, "Mr Coward, in my profession, we prefer to think of it as an exit."" "I can take no credit for that, I'm merely passing that on." "Tom, can you tell me about your propensity to over-react to domestic appliances?" "Yes." "Yes, I can." "Well, it was the other day." "Is it anything, or is it just wired goods or what?" "No..." "I'll tell you, what happened was, my friend was round my flat - and she's a dear friend, so she quite rightly treats my flat as her own, so she was making a cup of tea." "You see, I... ..have a very strange relationship with gadgets, or interrupting gadgets..." "..like a printer, for example." "We know, through experience, that you cannot interrupt a printer." "If you try and interrupt a printer halfway through, it just goes mad." "It just uses every piece of paper in the house, it just splurts out... it uses symbols that you didn't even know it could produce and the only way is to switch it off at the wall when it kicks off like this." "Then you think," ""Well, surely, in 15 minutes, when I switch it back on," ""it's not going to remember the argument that we had" ""15 minutes ago", but it still..." "We never interrupt..." "It never forgets." "Some gadgets..." "Some gadgets need to be interrupted." "I mean, there is... there's not a toaster in the land that ejects a perfectly golden slice." "We all eject toasters halfway through, we take it in our stride." "Check on it, put it back, the toaster doesn't mind." "It's a partnership." "Absolutely." "I mean, I'll be honest with you, Jonathan," "I sometimes stop the kettle before it's boiled..." "Oh, what are you doing?" "..if I'm preparing a Lemsip." "Yes, yes." "You don't want it boiling." "I wish you could teach the people that work in Starbucks how to do that so I don't burn my mouth to pieces every time..." "I rarely wait for the microwave door to "ding", before I snatch it open." "But you don't seem an impatient person." "Well, it's..." "You seem calm and thoughtful." "I'd imagine you putting on an appliance and forget it was on - but actually, you're hovering." "No, I think sometimes, they're not as clever as you think and you have to interrupt." "But the point is, my friend was round and she was trying to make tea and she..." "This is why I over-reacted, because she opened the dishwasher, halfway through." "ALL GASP" "Exactly." "We've all done it, though." "Yeah, but not in someone else's flat." "No, never in someone else's flat." "I'd never open another person's..." "Why did she do it?" "What was wrong with her?" "She was on the hunt for mugs." "Was it a cry for help?" "And I jumped out of my skin, because I thought, you can't open a dishwasher, halfway through." "What a lovely phrase, I love that phrase. "Jumped out of my skin"." "I thought we'll be dead before we know what's happened." "I think that was how - in the original version - that's how the Terminators began, didn't they?" "Someone opened the dishwasher and it came out." "They all jumped out of their skin." ""What are you doing?"" "Well, I'd assume..." "I must say, I'd not really given it much thought, but I'd kind of, on some level, just assumed that the dishwasher was full of water..." "..like an aquarium." "Depends when in the cycle you interrupt us." "It was going for it, you know?" "It was sloshing and hammering about and she just snatched it open and I went, "Whoa!"" "Nothing there." "A puff of steam, localised flooding." "That is amazing, isn't it?" "Because you'd think it would be full of water, but as soon as you open it, the water hides." "Nothing, nothing." "It goes straight in the bottom." "Nothing?" "What?" "How are you washing anything in there?" "You just shut the door, you'll never know." "Do you know what I saw that I quite wanted and I can't find one, but I know they're available and I should probably see if they're online - it's a clear toaster, so you can watch it." "I wanted a clear car, that you could see the whole engine and the transmission and everything " "I think that would be such a cool thing." "I'm looking for a clear conscience." "Amazon, nothing." "They were big in the '80s, weren't they, those sort of see-through electronics, when people started to get obsessed with "how do they actually work", because in the '60s and '70s," "all the electronics and electrical goods..." "Hold on, hold on!" "You can't pretend that didn't just happen." "I'm sorry, but look." "I know, I know." "They've gone out - someone's gone and got some broccoli." "We need a knife or something." "Well, I'm going to be busy, aren't I?" "The thing is, this is not what you had in mind, is it?" "Yeah." "Just a simple stalk?" "Yeah." "Can you do anything with this?" "I can't see a collie dog coming out of that." "There should be some music to accompany this, shouldn't there?" "I imagined a whole head of broccoli." "I'll just show you the head." "JONATHAN HUMS" "I'll do the rest of it." "Whoa!" "We've lost our minds, here." "You don't need a dishwasher, do you?" "Just telling a story about being worried about a dishwasher" "You wonder why I'm scarred, Alan." "OK, you haven't got one you brought along earlier." "Basically, can you see how this is the head?" "So, if you put two eyes there and a little mouth, can you see that would be..." "That looks like the head of a collie dog?" "You've got to have some imagination, obviously." "Can I just say, you are substantially moving the goalposts, now?" "I was an only child, so..." "I had to do things like this." "I think that's going to take some time." "Can you tell me about punching a goat?" "Well..." "I was at a petting zoo with my kids, years ago, OK?" "It wasn't London Zoo, I think it might have been in Nashville." "It was some weird part of America where we were filming." "I took the kids to a petting zoo and my little boy - who was only two or three then - and he was adorable." "Of course, everyone thinks their children are adorable, but I happen to think mine were - and I've seen yours, so I know mine really were." "But everyone thinks their kids are the most gorgeous kids" "Obviously, I loved all my children, but my little boy was very sweet at that age." "I think we only had the two children." "We went to this petting zoo and they said you can go in and see the goats." "I said, "Are they tame?"" "They said, "Oh, yeah, the goats are great, they love children", so we went in the zoo and I was saying, "Harvey, you can go up and touch the goats"" "and he went to reach this goat and this goat ran, hit him full in the chest, sent him flying." "Only on his back for a second, before I knew what I'd done, I'd punched that goat and he went right over on his side." "The bloke came over and said," ""Get out of the pen, he's attacking the goats!"" "I said, "No, the goat's attacking the boy!"" "They weren't interested in Harvey - they thought I was going on some sort of goat rampage." "Did you get it in the jaw?" "I got him right in the side of the face - he fucking went down, I tell you." "If they hadn't jumped in, I would have got his neck and I'd have snapped him." "Did the other goats come over and remonstrate with you?" "Oh, no, they had respect in their eyes for me, then." "Briefly, I was the goat daddy." "I went to rip my shirt off and went, "Come on!"" "And you drive along and they appear from behind a bush, going..." "There's a pick-up line that never really works." "Shall we make a space?" "When you say "create"..." "Yeah." "Drum roll, please." "Oh..." "It's had a bit of an accident." "I think it's been run over." "Oh." "The other leg's in my pocket, here." "I mean, the main thing is to get kids eating veg, isn't it?" "Can you sort of see..." "Which end is the face?" "That's the mouth, there." "Oh, I see." "The head is now sitting..." "It's now on another dog's head, that's what it looks like." "Or on a piece of broccoli, is what it looks like." "Two eyes..." " Is it one of those dogs with a sort of big old jaw?" "It's a collie. it's a collie dog." "It's apparently incredibly like a real life collie dog." " Yeah, but I'm wondering what a collie looks like." " Is it a schnitzel?" "What are those German dogs..." "No, no, it's a sheepdog." "Think of One Man And His Dog." " I was, before I saw that..." "Schnitzel's a sausage, isn't it?" " ..and now I'm thinking it's more like a..." "Is it a schnitzel?" "It's nothing like a Schnitzel or a collie." "Do you mean a Dachshund?" " The one with the big, long, oblong face, like a shoe box." "Oh, a shoe box dog." "You can name actual dogs as often and as long as you like, it's not going to look like that." "Are you happy with that, Lucy?" "No, I'm not, I'm disappointed." "But...have a look on the internet," "I don't know...." "I think maybe they must have used superglue." "Do you know what I did?" "I Googled "broc-collie"..." "Yeah?" "..and all I got was pictures of actual broccoli." "Scrolling thousands and thousands of them, what first amazed me was how many people have taken photographs of broccoli in the world." "Put "broccoli dog" in, then." ""Broccoli dog"? "Broccoli dog"." "Not "broccoli dogging" or you'll wind up with some very odd sites." "Dogging in a broccoli field." "You'll find my brother in one of those." "We won't talk about that." "No, let's not go there." "The poor lad." "Well..." "I tried and that's the main thing, isn't it?" "That is the main thing." "You did try and thank you for trying." "Can you tell me about the time you went to a fancy dress party dressed as..." "What did you go as?" "I wish it was a fancy dress..." "As a chip?" "Yes." "No, it wasn't a fancy dress party." "It wasn't a fancy dress party?" "No." "You just went as a chip, by mistake?" "No." "When I was at home..." "When I wasn't living at home, actually," "I'd gone round to my mum's house and she'd stayed up all night, making it out of the Christmas tree box and made me get in it and said that, if I want to be an actress, that's what I have to do." "It happens a lot in Hull, so.." "That was prompted by nothing, that was her own..." "She'd been up all night making it, yeah." "She painted it yellow and put like a little bit of ketchup on it." "How old were you, then?" "Cos we were..." "Oh, I was like in my 20s." "Cos she'd wrote a play and we were putting it on in a golf centre, cos she's a writer in Hull and she wanted me to publicise it more, so she made me stand on a road, called Holderness Road," "in a chip costume." "Oh, thank God, there's some reason for it." "Yeah, there is more reason to it." "I should have said that." "For a moment I thought she was just making a chip costume all night for no reason at all." "No, I mean, it didn't have anything to do with the show, really." "Was it winter time?" "You said a Christmas tree box." "No, it was just in the cupboard." "Did she think of you as a method actress?" "No, she was saying..." "Like, "Today we are going to be a chip."" "She said, "If you want to be..."" "She said, "This is what Joanna Lumley would have to do." ""Get out there."" "She sounds like a bitch." "No, no, it worked." "That's what you've got to do, if you want to be in the business." "Really?" "Dress as a chip?" "You've got to go, "right"." "Suffer humiliation for no reason?" "No, it's character building." "How was it worn, then?" "Was it worn to the waist, until your legs were free...?" "A little head hole and then arm holes." "Square over the top?" "Yeah, brought it down like that." "Legs free to..." "Yeah, legs free." "And I just waited at the top of the street and then a car went past and beeped me and I came back." "Sold one!" "But no, we've got a very close relationship, you know?" "She can do..." "And I know it's for my own good, if she..." "She made anything else for you to wear?" "Well, do you know?" "And this is..." "Not a lot of people know this actually, but do you remember The Big Breakfast?" "Yeah." "Well, it's awful, really, but they had a competition on there for children to design the fountain." "Do you remember, where they stood, there was like a patio out the back?" "They said they wanted children - I think it was under 12s - to design this fountain and I came home from school one day and my mum said, "You've won"." "And I said, "What have I won?"" "She was like, "You've won this Big Breakfast competition"" "and she'd drawn it herself... ..and she's a really good artist, my mum, like, she went to art college." "It was amazing, she was like, "Don't say anything"." "And they paid for us, we stayed in a really posh hotel in the Isle of Dogs and the producer was like," ""You're incredible, what a gifted young lady you are"." "What age were you, then?" "So, this was like the first year of high school, 11 or something." "We went on the show - on Big Breakfast, getting an interview with Gaby Roslin." "You're sitting on a throne of lies." "And my mum was like that on my knee going..." "Cos they'd go, "So how did you get the idea for it?" and I'd go," ""I don't know" and she'd press me and I'd go, "Oh, well, I think..."" "It was awful." "In fact, that wasn't in my best interests." "What did you win?" "Did you win something?" "You won?" "They designed it!" "Oh, God." "So they actually built it..." "It was incredible, it was like as if it was loads of pots, all on top of each other and they had a massive six-foot fountain and I had to unveil it, they had, like, music playing..." "It's just cos she was bored at home, you know?" "They really must have thought you were a staggering genius." "Oh, yeah, she did it a lot." "She did..." "In primary school, you had to paint an Easter egg, you know?" "We were like seven or something, it was like really crap art and my mum had made - cos it was when Spitting Image was out - she'd made a prosthetic plastic Eggwina Currie." "Like, exactly like Spitting Image, so there's like all these other kids..." "Like you'd have even known who she was." "No, and I got like special treatment, cos I was so clever." "You know, I have to judge competitions like that, sometimes." "I'm the president of the local horticultural society - even though I know nothing about gardening." "Basically, I'm just the only famous bloke that lives nearby and one of the few duties I actually enjoy is," "I have to judge this kind of..." "Every year we have a fancy dress party - an autumn fancy dress party and all the kids come along and mostly, they're sweet kids and the parents have helped a little bit and I've said I'd do it," "but only if we can give all of them a prize, so I know it isn't much of a thrusting culture of ambition, but you know, someone's dressed as a pansy, someone's dressed as a lion, give them both a prize." "And there's one little girl who comes, always, and she's in the most elaborate costumes, clearly made by the mother, who's always standing right behind her." "And it's really tough, cos I really don't want to give her a prize, because she clearly hasn't done it - and clearly, all the other kids are thinking, "You didn't do that"." "And the kid trapped in the costume was sending me something like this," ""I didn't do this, I'm being held hostage by a mad, ambitious mother"" "and the mother's behind her, "What are we going to get this year?"" "and it's like they only want the prize - it's a fucking water pistol and a balloon set, but it's a weird thing to see up close." "Yeah, parents doing the homework." "Did you do your kids' homework?" "No, because they've done quite well at school." "If I'd have done maths homework for them..." "I mean, you try and help them..." "I remember once, my daughter had to build a fort and I wound up taking it quite seriously." "It was much bigger." "It was meant to be a small fort and ours was about this big, because I kept putting new wings on and saying," ""You know what would be great?" "If it had a catapult"" "and she went, "What?"" "I went, "Yeah, a catapult, like this" and I'd made it already." "And I felt ashamed when I went to the school, cos I looked at it and thought, clearly that's my work." "Now, listen." "We need to come up with a title for the programme... something that's arisen perhaps from conversations that we've had." "I think we've learned more from Germaine than anyone else here today." "Oh, God, how unforgivable." "I'm sorry." "No, but in a very entertaining way." "I think this kind of was a Germaine Greer masterclass." "Oh, how awful!" "I think we'll just sort of call it The Lips And Arseholes." "The Lips And Arseholes Of Alan Davies." "APPLAUSE" "That's a must-see." "I'll Sky plus that series." "I think you would series link that." "You let him get away with "arsehole"..." "I know, yeah." "..and you didn't object." "I thought, does she like arseholes better than anuses, I wonder?" "I'd rather you refer to me as an anus rather than an arsehole, if you don't mind, Germaine." "I mean, Germaine Greer saying," ""Do you prefer arseholes to..."" "That could be the title, "Do you prefer arseholes to anus?"" "Arsehole or anus?" "Arsehole or anus?" "What's the plural of "anus", though? "Ani"?" "I mean, you don't often see them in a pack and I imagine the collective noun isn't "a pack"." "Do you know what the collective noun for "anus" is?" " A babble." "A babble of ani?" "The towering Babble Ani." "Oh, don't think of me like that." "Actually, I thought that..." "My little film about Australia," "I thought we might call The Land Of Happy Donkeys, because there are so few happy donkeys in the whole world, except in Central Australia, there are free donkeys that don't have to carry anything and don't have to work" "and you drive along and they appear from behind a bush going..." "That's a beautiful image." "Yeah, I like it." "A donkey jumping out and photobombing your selfie." "Well, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to thank my guests " "Lucy Beaumont, Jonathan Ross," "Germaine Greer and Tom Wrigglesworth - you've been watching The Land Of Happy Donkeys." "Thank you!" "APPLAUSE" "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd"