"America's most wanted." "Have you seen this man?" "(Police radio, sirens)" "'Eagle, you're looking great." "Coming up nine minutes.'" "Booyakasha!" "America has h'invented some of the bestest things in the world " "McDonald's, gangsta rap, spaghetti and swimming." "I like swimming." "But your country's got problems too." "There's been nuff sadness since the terrible events of 7/11." "And there is still racialism, even to the native people, what is they called, the... (War cry) Them ones." "How come you never see them in prominent jobs?" "Apart from that bloke in the Village People, who still had a policeman, a fireman and someone from the Navy to protect him." "So the purpose of this show is to h'educate, to motivate and to... (Mumbles)... ate." "This week's subject is the law." "Where is we going to now?" "We're going to Valer Hall, where we'll meet Sergeant Hyers who'll take us through some of the recruit scenario training." "What's going to happen today is you're going to participate in some Philadelphia police recruit training." " Wicked, man." " We'll do some scenarios in which the officers will respond to some incidents." "You're gonna be 2310 car." "And any time you hear 2310 on the radio, you'll push this side button and say, "2310."" "This is Officer Brinkman." " (Hyers) Your new partner." " Yo, respec'." "Yo, Brinkman, is you good cop and I is bad cop?" " You're..." " Who's the good cop?" "No, it's not..." "We're handling a situation." "(Ali) Yo, yo, yo." "(Radio) '2310 car.'" " There you go, 2310." " Yo, this be me, the main man, 2310, with my man, Brinkman." "(Radio) 'Take 8501 State Road and meet the complainant" " 'for a report of a burglary.'" " No doubt." "(Brinkman) Know what a burglary is?" " For real, I has done a couple." " OK." " You go in first." " Put it down." "We don't need it." " I'll give you cover." " OK, all right." "Yo, we is here looking for a burglary." " This is my partner." " Yo." " What's missing?" " You his partner?" " (Woman) Yes." " 13-inch colour television." "(Ali) You might be lying." "How do we know there was a telly?" "What was you watching?" " That's good." " He wasn't here at the time." " So he claim." " Phone number real quick." "Oi, that ain't the time to get her number, man." "If you have any more questions, just give me a call." "He's... crap." "Yo, this be 2310." "We be back on the road after my man Brinkman finally finished his shit." " (Radio) 'OK, no profanity here.'" " Sorry about that." " (Ali) Yo!" "Gonna put on the siren." " (Siren)" "Got the siren on." "(Laughs) No, don't put that out the window." "What happens if they see us?" " W-What?" "No, keep it down." " All right, so they don't know." "You can take this when we get out." " Wicked." " All right." "Yo, what's the matter with you?" "Some guys jumped us, they beat us up." "You have to put this out." "Look, look..." " Three men..." " Yo, three men." "One black male, one white male." "2310, there's three men." "One brother, one honky, and one..." " (Laughter)" " What's the "S"?" " Spanish." " (Ali) One Spanish." "We refer to the person as a white male." " Not as a honky." " Why not?" "A honky in the United States is not a nice term for a male." " For a... for a white person." " Why not?" "It's like an ethnic slur." "But they say you can be a honky but still be hung like a donkey." " Possibly." " (Radio) '2310 car.'" "They is callin' our name on the thing." "Yo, this be 2310." "'You should be at the cone shack in the middle of the driving course.'" " The cone shack?" " There's been a burglary." " We can't just go up and start shootin'." " For real." " So..." " That's him." "Is that the geezer?" " Tell him to stop." " Yo, stop it!" " Keep your distance!" " Stop it, motherfucker!" "Keep your distance!" "Don't move." "You is fucking with the wrong cop." " What's going on?" " You like the taste of steel?" "Keep your distance." "OK, this is what we do on a "man with a gun" call." " Wicked." " OK, there he goes." "(Brinkman) Tell him to put his hands up." "Yo!" "Yo, mofo." "Put up your hands or you is gonna be shot by us." "OK, tell him you see the gun." "I can see the motherfuckin' gun." "Put them up." "You can't curse." " You can't curse." " Tell him to get on the ground." "Yo, stick your head in that ground and eat the dirt." "(Brinkman) OK, now put that down." " OK, walk around him." " Yo." "Put your right hand up, sir." " What's he got?" " Get a hand free, take the gun." " Where's the gun?" " Where did we see it?" " Put your gun away." " (Hyers) Put it away." " No, don't point it at him." " It's fake." " OK, that's fine." " He's got a fake gun." " (Hyers) Still do your job." " OK." " You tried this with a fake?" " He might have another." " He might have another gun." " You thought that was funny?" "You picked the wrong cop to fuck around with, slimeball." "We don't talk like that here." "Search him!" "You wanna be a cop or not?" " I don't like touching blokes." " Let's go." " Touching what?" " Blokes, blokes." "What's a bloke, man?" "Oi, did I ask for to have a chat with you?" " Let's do the search!" " Let's go." "A crowd's starting to form, let's get out of here." "You don't need your gun." "What do you need that for?" " What's that for?" " I don't wanna touch." "Do you wanna be a cop or not?" "You came here saying, "I wanna be a cop."" " Ah, look at this." " What have you got?" " Where's this from?" " OK, he's got money." " Not in your pocket!" " Why not?" " He'll say you stole it." " He probably nicked it." "He's handcuffed." "Put it back in his pocket." "Did you get that money from someone?" " It's my money, man." " Put the gun away!" " Come on." " All right." "There, take your hand." "(Laughing) You gotta touch!" " That's what we do!" " That is disgusting!" "That was Cop 101 at the Philadelphia Police Academy." "What did you think?" " Could I make a good cop?" " Er, probably not." "(# East European folk-pop)" "Yekshemesh." "In the US and A, if you want to marry a girl, you cannot just go to her father's house and swap her for 15 gallons of insecticide." "Before American woman will allow you in her vagine you must do something called dating." "(# Disco rock)" "My name is Jenny." "Hello, Jenny, nice to... to meet you." "Thank you for coming in today to see if Great Expectations is right for you." "What would you like to see happen if you met your ideal woman?" "I will love her." "We will be as one." " So, are..." " I will give her television, remote control, a red dress, I hope will fit her." "So you have a good life and back home" " you can provide for her?" " Yes." "Yes." " OK, great." " But if she cheat on me..." " Why you laugh?" " I think that's sweet." "But if she cheat on me, I will... crush her." "You will crush her?" "Honey, you won't qualify for our membership if you're prepared to crush a woman." "You can break up with her and divorce her but you cannot..." "No crushing." "Why don't you give me a little bit on..." "on personality traits you're looking for?" "Yes, I want her to be blonde," "I want her to have no history of retardation in family." "If possible, she must have plough experience." "You're not gonna find Americans with plough experience." "Us American women, we don't have plough experience." "But not... not much, maybe one year or..." "Um, honey, I have zero plough experience." "And she must have a good physique." "And she must be tight, like a man's anus." "OK, attractive." " What about race?" " Er..." " You're open to all races?" " Er, yes, but no Jew." "No Jewish, OK." "All right, tell me what you enjoy, your interests." "I like, er, play table tennis." "I like shoot dog." " I like..." " Snoop Dogg?" " Shoot dog." "Shoot." " Oh, OK." "Should I tell people that I am good at sex?" " No." " But I am..." " You don't want to say that..." " I'm more good than many men." "In America, if you say that on your profile, a woman won't go out with you - she thinks that's all you want." "Even though I am big, like a can of Pepsi?" "It doesn't matter." "Women in America feel that any act of sex, be it oral, erm..." " What does it mean, oral?" " Mouth." " I like it in the mouth very much." " But that's what I mean, women in America feel that any sex with somebody else, even if it's using your body, your sexual organs," " your mouth, your hand..." " I like mouth." "We think that's cheating." "(Borat) Do I need to bring a gift?" "Here's a mistake that a lot of men make in America - they bring too many gifts." "What size gift will get me entry..." " to her?" " What do you mean by "entry"?" "To her... her vagine." " If you want to go to bed with her?" " Yes." "Well, I can't say." "Everybody's different." "How do I show her I have a senses of humour?" " You have to practise it first." " Yes." " I have a joke." " Uh-huh." " There is a chair..." " Mm-hm." "The chair, er... walk... with the shoes..." "# La la la la la #" "He walk on the street." " Ha, ha!" "The chair is walking!" " Right." " Yes." " Well, it's a funny image." "Yes, it is nice." " I really should tell this joke?" " Probably not." "My name is Borat." " Your name please?" " Guinevere." "Should I tell her she reminds me of my wife?" "Do you have a wife?" " She is dead." " Oh, OK." "Nobody wants to be reminded of somebody who's dead." " Yes." " You know what I'm saying?" "Yes, I do not care about her." "She is gone." "Right." "Once a person's dead, you should really put it aside." " Yes, I know." " Yeah." "You'd probably look for some of the qualities your wife had." " No." " Same qualities your wife had, if there were some things you liked about her." "Did you like some things about your wife?" "No." "You remind me my wife." "My first..." "My older wife." " OK." "Your previous wife?" " Yes." " Why you laugh?" "She dead." " OK." "I'm sorry." "What should I talk about with her?" "Talk about the environment you're in, talk about what she does for a living and about her." "I have now been, er... one week without any sexy intercourse." "My is..." "My, er... hràng, my sac, is heavy." "How old is your child?" "How do I find if she will be a cheat?" "OK, or anything negative?" " Yes, but..." " Cheat and take money from you?" "No, not a criminal, a woman who go with another man and..." "Screw around on you." "OK, right." "Hm." "Well... that's why you need to date her before you get married." "You will come back my country, I will look after you," "I will give you money, I will give you automobile car, a television, remote control." "We'll be together." "But if you cheat on me, I will crush you." " I don't like that either." " Yes." "I don't like men that cheat on me." "How do I know if she want me to take her..." " Go to bed with her?" " Sexy time." "Yeah." "If she wants you to go to bed with her?" "How do you know that?" "Well, when you kiss each other." "If you're kissing and petting, then it just sort of goes... naturally." "When do we have sexy intercourse?" "Whenever you both agree on that." "No, when do me and you have a sexy intercourse?" " Me and you?" " Yes." "Well, that's not gonna happen." "Do you wish me success tonight?" "I wish you success in the future with dating and relationships." " And I wish you the best." " Thank you." "You're very welcome." "Booyakasha." "Check it out." "I is here with none other than my main man, Buzz Aldrin." "I know this is a sensitive question but what was it like not being the first man on the moon, was you ever jealous of Louis Armstrong?" "It was Neil Armstrong and no," " he was very, very qualified." " Well, whatever." "So, when you arrived on the moon, was the people who lived there friendly or was they scared of you?" "There was absolutely no thought... of encountering any living being whatsoever." "Do you think man will ever walk on the sun?" "No." "The sun is too hot, it is not a good place to go to." "What happens if they went in winter, when the sun is cold?" "The sun is not cold in the winter." "(# Hip-hop, scratching)" "# Hear dis" "# Hear dis, boy #" "Me know you has been asked this a zillion times, it must really get on your tits, but let's just sort it out - what do you say to all those conspiracy theorists who come up to you and say," ""Does the moon really exist?"" "I don't think there are very many people who question whether the moon exists." " It exists..." " What?" "You has heard it here." "It does exist." "So all those people out there who is saying it don't, you is wrong." "That's right." "The moon does exist." " And we went there." " Yo, listen up." "But how do they really know what is exists and what is the conspiracy things?" "Cos I has seen a picture of J-Lo with two massive... geezers' dongs there and apparently it weren't true." "I haven't seen those pictures." "You should check them out, it's amazing." " OK." " Is you upset Michael Jackson got all the credit for inventing the moonwalk but you was the first geezer ever to actually do it?" "Er, no." "You can call things by different names and you can use the moon or Mars or Venus and you can say, "This is the Venus Trot."" "But that doesn't mean that it has any connection to what it would be like for a horse... moving on Venus." " Yo." " The horse could trot on Venus." " Except it's very hot." " There's horse...?" " There's horse on Venus?" " No, no." "I'm just..." "Neither is Michael Jackson on the moon." "I's got a joke about space, do you wanna hear it?" "There is a monster from outer space who is going on a trip round the universe and 'im goes to the travel booker to book like a hotel on the moon and the travel booker goes, "You can't go to that hotel" ""cos the moon is full."" " That's pretty good." " That is..." "That is so... wicked!" "That's wicked." "And the opposite of the moon being full is..." " Is empty." "...the new moon." " What?" " That's when it's dark." "I thought it was funny cos he's full..." " Yeah." "I know." " He's been eating stuff and he's well full and everything." "No, the hotel is full." "But it's..." "Why is it funny cos the hotel is full?" "I wasn't sure that it was funny, you said it was funny." " Why is it funny again?" " Things are funny or comedic because they mix the real with the absurd." " No doubt." " You took the moon, which is real, and the term "full"..." " Full." " And you..." " Full." " Yeah." "You applied that to either the hotel being full or the person being full and that's an absurd condition." "And that's what makes something funny, where you mix the absurd with the real." "Wicked." "So listen up - you has 'eard about the moon and about space." "You better learn about these things from my man Buzz Lightyear here." "So you better realise that these things is important." "Big up yourself..." "Buzz." "Keep it real." "'Eagle, you're looking great." "Coming up nine minutes.'" "(# Fast techno)" "Also, jetzt bin Ich hier mit Paul Wilmot." "OK, great, I am here with Paul Wilmot." "He is the god of seating plans, choosing which celebrity goes with who." " Is that right?" " I'm judge and jury and it's our job to put the right people in the right seats." " So what is Paul Wilmot?" " Well, I mean..." "I've years of experience in the fashion business." "I was in charge of public relations for Calvin Klein..." " Wow!" "...worldwide." "Let's talk about who is in and who is out." "If they are in, we go, "Vassup." You go, "Vassup."" "And if they are out you go, "Ich don't think so," and you go like that." "Ja?" "I'll ask the names." "So "vassup" and "Ich don't think so"." " So, Jennifer Lopez." " Oh, what's up." "Double what's up!" " She's fabulous..." " "Vassup"." " Vassup, she's a double." " What about... er, Debbie Harry?" ""Vassup" or "Ich don't think so"?" "Debbie Harry's having a second moment." "And maybe one year ago it was "Ich don't think so", now she has a chance to be "vassup"." "Like Marianne Faithful is having a "vassup" moment too." " Was she "Ich don't think so"?" " Absolutely, for 20 years." " "Ich don't think so"?" " Yes, for 20 years." "Now, "vassup"." "Who else is "Ich don't think so" now?" "Well, I mean..." "Celine Dion." ""Ich don't think so"." "I mean, you know, let's face it." "She's talking about a clothing line - "Ich don't think so."" "If you want to make sure the show is classy, you make sure you do not have which celebrities?" "Again, Barbra Streisand, not to pick on her..." "Barbra Streisand would go to the opening of the Frankfurt Allgemeine Zeitunggeschäft!" "We're doing a charity as well, we're doing a lot with these deaf children, which we're getting behind, teaching them about sexual responsibility and safe sex." "You can give them a message?" " Yeah, I mean..." " No." "No, they can't hear you, they can't hear you." "Just do something for them about safe sex, how to keep safe." " Just be..." " But not with words, don't... (Softly) Say no." "Be careful." "Just be careful." "You can do..." "But no words." "(Softly) Be careful." "Be careful." " Don't do it." "Be careful." " Cool." "Do you need any more models?" "Cos I am Chrysler's muse in Austria." "Seriously, I'm..." "We don't need any male models, we have about 40." "Do you need another model, would you like...?" "II demande si..." "Il veut savoir s'il peut faire le mannequin." "I am Chrysler's..." "You know the designer?" "I am his muse." "C'est la muse de Chrysler." "Il faut aller demander à Lloyd." "Ask him to Lloyd Klein, over there." "I just wanted to say, if you want," " I'm here." "You know who I am?" " Mm-hm." " I'm Bruno." "Chrysler's muse." " Yes." " The designer Chrysler?" " Oui." " And you're...?" " I'm his muse." " Oh, great." " I'm here if you want." "I have all the male models, they're here." "Yeah, but if you want, I don't mind." " I won't charge you anything." " Great." " You want?" " For the moment it's OK." "I'm doing the bit with the underpants." " Can I borrow yours?" " Right now?" " Yeah, for the end." "Great." " Sure." " You wanna wear them?" " Yeah, for the finale." " Er, I need to wear them." " OK." " He needs them." " OK." "(# Slow RB groove)" "(# Luniz:" "I Got 5 On lt)" "# Creep on in, on in" "# See I'm riding high, riding high" "# Whooo" "# Kinda broke you see me" "# So all I got is five # I got five!" "# I come to school with the taylor on my earlobe" "# Avoidin' all the dick teasers, skeezers and weirdos" "# That be blowin' up the land like where the bomb at?" "# Give me two bucks, you take a puff and pass my bomb back" "# Suck up the dank like a slurpy... #" "What is legal?" "Well, I think most conduct that all of us engage in on a day-to-day basis is legal." "So what is illegal?" "What is illegal is... what the elected representatives of the people define as crimes." "What is barely legal?" "That gets into technicalities and that's why you have trials." "Cos me saw this film called Barely Legal 3 and it was about these two naughty college girls and them hadn't done their 'omework and then, as punishment, they had to have a three-header with their supervisor, this teacher." " Is that to do with the law?" " Er..." "It's hard to say." "That would probably be governed by the rules of the institution." " The college." " Yo, in this institution it was a strict rule that if you didn't do your 'omework" " you would get boned." " Right." "Well, that's a law of sorts." " Yo, it's a well good law." " Yes." " Has you seen that film?" " Yes." "No, I haven't." " You should check it out." " I will now," " as you've recommended it." " Yo, it's well good..." " Barely Legal?" " Barely Legal 3." "Three, OK." "Good." "I was Attorney General." "My name is Meese." "I say, "Go to college, don't carry a piece."" "America's most wanted." "Have you seen this man?" "(Police radio, sirens)" "'Eagle, you're looking great." "Coming up nine minutes.'" "I is here, standing outside the United Nations of Benetton, where representatives from the three corners of the world come to end wars, international drug trafficking, and everything else that is a bit of a laugh." "I is here with the geezer who was the secretary-general of the United Nations." "His name be none other than my man," "Boutros Boutros Boutros Ghali." "How many countries is in the UN?" "If I'm not wrong, according to the last statistics, it must have more than 180 countries." "Is Disneyland a member of the UN?" "No, because Disneyland is not an independent state." "Do you think, in a hundred years' time," "Disneyland or Disney World could 'ave a seat?" "No." "Disneyland is not doing politics," " Disneyland is..." " Well... some of them is, some of them characters." "It is for the young children." "How many languages is spoken at the UN?" "You have practically what we call the five languages." "But which is the funniest?" "It's French, innit?" " "Lo-lo-lo, dee-doo-loo-loo..."" " Not necessarily." " Maybe Arabic is more funny." " Oh, yeah." "It depends to whom, er..." "What was the one that when the delegate spoke you was like... (Laughs) "Look at him!" "I gotta go to the bog."" "I am not allowed, I am the secretary-general." "There must have been one going, "Ubba-dubba-dubba-da."" "I have to have a-a-a... poker face." "Like this." " Do you speak French?" " Yes." "How do you say "shit" in French?" " Chic?" " Shit." "Shit." "Aight, crap, rubbish." "Ah." "Oh." "(Chuckles) De la merde!" "How do you spell that?" "(French) M-E-R-D-E." " M..." "A..." " R-D-E." "Thanks for that." "Me wanna say big up yourself, Boutros Boutros..." "Boutros Boutros Ghali." "Respect." "This is the Security Council Chamber..." " Wicked." "...of the United Nations." "It was donated by the government of Norway." "All right." "Safe." "So what happens here?" "15 countries from different regions of the world discuss about world peace and security." "Safe." "Respect." "What's that, Jordan?" "Ain't it stupid letting one sportsman have his own seat no matter how, you know, powerful he is?" "That is not Michael Jordan, if you mean that gentleman, it's the state of Jordan in the Middle East." "That's what you is telling the cameras but ain't it ridiculous, letting one person have the same power as a whole country?" "Again, it's not the person sitting there, it's the government of the state of Jordan." "Is it named after Michael Jordan?" "It is not." " Does this country really exist?" " Yes, it does." " What's this?" " Guinea, that's a country in Africa." " The Republic of Guinea." " Is that a real country?" "It is a real country, in Africa." "It's quite large as well." "With full respect, why do you give crap countries a vote?" "Well, er... that's your opinion of Guinea." "That is definitely not shared in this organisation." "Where is Africa represented?" "Don't see it nowhere." " Well, Guinea..." " Where?" "Where's Africa?" " This is a country in Africa." " So you claim." "This is a, er... earphone used by the people that sit here to listen to the meetings in six different languages." "Ain't it dangerous, though, having translatorors?" "Why do you think that?" "Cos let's say the translatoror is a double agent." "He can say, you know, well dodgy stuff, like apparently the Vietnams war was started when Saddam, er, Husseins got in a translatoror and he was gonna send an email to the president of Thailand to just ask him for a cup of tea" "but the translatoror put in something that turned out like," ""Your mum is a ho and I has boned her,"" "and the Thai person got well eggy and that's what happened, that's how the Vietnams war started." "I'm not sure that your recount of the story is correct." "It might very well be but..." " Well, that is the word on the street." " OK." "How does you choose who sits next to who?" "It goes in English alphabetical order from A to Z." "Can you swap if the person next to you is really annoying you?" "Can you swap?" "Er, no, I don't think you can." "The answer to that is no." "Does you ever separate people if they is mucking around?" "Like if they is chucking stuff at the President Kofi?" "Well, no, that has never happened as far as I know, so that has not been a necessity, no." "At three o'clock there is a meeting taking place here." " In, like, ten minutes?" " Ten minutes, yes." "A meeting to discuss Iraq." " Can we be in the meeting?" " No, we can't because..." " What about just me?" " Nobody can." "No public is allowed for security reasons." "So what's going on in Iraq that we should know about?" "Iraq is suspected of producing weapons of mass destruction." " Wicked." " Gas..." " and nuclear weapons." " What a laugh." "And where does the boss man sit?" "Well, the secretary-general sits right here." " He sit 'ere?" " Yes." " Wicked." "Can we sit here?" " Definitely." "I has just written that Saddam Hussein is a bell end." "(Rroji) OK." "(# East European folk-pop)" "Yekshemesh." "American national sport is called baseballs." "It's very similar to our sport, shurik, where we take dogs, shoot them in a field and then have a party." "I like you." "I find more now with team Savannah Sand Gnats." "Dzien dobry." "(# Disco rock)" "Now, ladies and gentlemen, a special big welcome." "We have tonight Mr Borat Sagdiyev from Kazakhstan television." "(Cheering)" "I love USA!" "Do you love USA?" "(Cheering)" "Yes." "I love baseballs!" "Do you love baseballs?" "(Cheering)" "I like you!" "Do you like me?" "US and A!" "US and A!" " US and A!" " (Crowd) USA!" "And now, please, everybody, we stand for, er, national anthem Kazakhstan for respect." "# Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan" "# Mogaslav yczda" "# Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan" "# Mogaslav yczda" "# Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan" " # Na mogi # - (Girl whooping)" "# Aztam ma, aztam ma" "# Ah-ah-ahlmakhi... #" "(Cheering)" "# Khyl ma furtelv" "# Tselyia voda" "# Kumba khortsel" "# V tselyia voda" "# Kumba khortsel" "# V tselyia voda" "# Kumba khortsel" "# V tselyia" "# Voda-a-a" "# Dhaynka" "# Zaa-aa" "# Shtan Kazakhstan imol" " # Zlovic da... # - (Whooping)" "# Kazakhs... #" " (Cheering) - # Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan" " # Mogaslav yczda # - (Applause)" "# Kazakhsta-a-a-an, Ka-a-azakhstan" "# Mogaslav yzcz..." "# Dhenka ha-aalya #" "(Cheering)" "I love USA!" "I love USA!" "I like sex!" "I love USA!" "Did you pay some money to the boss to make sure your side wins?" "That is not done in baseball." " But maybe 50 dollar?" " No, no, no." " You want I pay him 50 dollar?" " Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no." "I have a 40,000 tampon, no applicator, you want I give to the umpire?" " I don't think so." " You think he will mind" " that there is no applicator?" " I don't think so." "(# Disco rock)" "Hello, hello." "Everybody, you want to, er, come together to make, er... er... touch one another?" " A big picture?" " Yes." "Now we all hug." "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "(All chant) Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" " Ahhhhh!" " (Whooping)" "You are real men!" "You are real men!" "I like!" "I like." " You have a shower?" " (Laughter)" "Can I...?" "You are very strong." "(Cheers)" "(Chuckles) You are strong!" " Aah!" " (Laughter)" "You have a hràng like my friend!" "My friend, he have the same hràng from you." "That's good." "Can I touch?" " You want to do a wrestle?" " A wrestle?" " Yeah." " What's that?" " I like to wrestle." " You want me to take you out?" " What does that..." "Take me out?" " Ever heard of Steve Austin?" " What does he do?" " Get him on the floor." "(Grunts and shrieks)" "I'm gonna pin you!" "I'm gonna pin you!" "Yeah!" "USA!" "USA!" "You OK?" " (Laughter)" " Dang, man." " I OK!" " (Laughter)" "Yes." "I make a joke, you think I hurt!" " (Grunts)" " Go on, Sam!" "Go ahead!" "Go ahead!" "Go ahead!" "Go ahead!" "(Laughing)" "Go ahead!" " Yeah!" " (Laughter)" "Savannah!" "Savannah!" " You win." " I win?" "You OK?" " (Grunts)" " No sad, no sad." "Happy!" "Are you hurt?" "I OK." "(Breathing heavily)" " USA." " You win me." "Thank you." "No way." "(# Fast techno)" "How did you, er, manage to maintain... er, a natural look?" "Well, I have a good hairdresser." "What is the philosophy of the show?" " It's kind of like trailer trash." " What it is, trailer trash?" "It's kind of like, I guess, backwoods from like, um... middle of nowhere, kinda poor, dressing what you have around." " So primitive, rubbish people." " Kind of, yeah." "So do you hope that these white trash..." "trashing people will buy the clothes?" " I don't think they can afford it." " They are too poor!" "It is like this in Austria!" "We take the clothes from the homeless" " and sell them in the shops." " Jack up the price." " The homeless cannot buy them!" " Definitely." " That is the beauty of fashion." " Yeah." "So how important is fashion to you?" "Fashion is very important." "It keeps us creative, alive." "It's what makes us get up every day." "You know what?" "She's a real fashion icon living in her own time." "I'm from New York and I come across a lot of people who are not from here but from other parts of the world who really have no fashion sense." " They look ridiculous." " There's no personal style." "Why not put them on trains, send them to a camp and say bye-bye?" "I would love to say bye-bye to them." "The style gurus in Austria are saying Osama bin Laden is, like, the best-dressed guy, do you think so?" " I think he's cool." " He's so cool." "Yeah, I don't know if he's the best-dressed guy, um... but he's definitely very fashionable." "Have you ever thought of using disabled models but with normal clothes?" "I mean, not like disgusting disabled but just the mental thing so you wouldn't be able to see it." "There is one model we used for a couple of seasons that was deaf." "How did she know when to go out?" "Did you push her?" "No, you just, you know, tap her." "In Austria, the casting director is a more important job than doctors or politicians." "Is it the same here?" "Erm, no, fashion isn't thought of as... as seriously as the medical profession here but I think..." " That's ridiculous." " I think so." "I mean, fashion saves a lot more lives than doctors." "I think so." "Ja, ich bin hier mit Michael, I am here with Michael, ze other designer today." " Congratu..." "Congratulations." " Thank you so much." "Why was there so much cardboard?" "Why was that theme so much there?" "Cardboard?" "There was no cardboard." " There was a theme of cardboard." " No." "Why did you base the whole show around the theme of cardboard?" "Well, because everything is so hippy in fashion that I wanted to do something that was the opposite." "Like stiff and cut and just amazing like that, that's what I felt like." "Because no one has yet had the guts..." " No one has the guts." "...to do a show about cardboard." "No, they don't understand." " Too scared to touch it." " They are." "What I loved about the show was that it had... no humour at all, which was just so powerful." " Well, it was dead serious." " Yeah." "Yeah." "It was super-serious." "How did you keep the show humorous all the way along?" "Using pop icons." "Why was the show all about the individual?" "Because that's what we are and that's what we prefer everyone to be." "It's amazing, cos this show was, at its essence, all about other people." "Why?" "Because when you're an artist you look at other people and that's how you become an artist, you observe." "I found ze collection so... heavy that it was pulling me down into a place better than heaven." "Yeah, I wanted it to be like a weight on people." "I wanted you to just... fall, collapse." "How did you make sure that the show was just so light?" "Because when you..." "Because we wanted things to flow but at the same time not just be too overly feminine." "But you somehow managed to achieve this sense of the show being lighter than air, everyone just floating up." "That's what it was." "They were in the clouds, in space." "Do you think consistency is important?" "No." "(Police radio, sirens)" "Booyakasha!" "Diggety check this out because I is 'ere with none other than my main man," "General Brent Scowcroft." "Him was the national security advisor to George Bush, who was the president of America, and also to some geezer called Ford." "Is fighting the most harmful thing you can do to the other side?" "Ain't the most harmful thing you can do is to call them nasty names?" "Mmm, not really, not for countries." "Let's imagine we was back all those years ago when you was fighting Russia." "If the President had gone over to the head of Russia and said," ""Yo!" "Boris!" or whatever." ""Stop being such a neeuurrgh!"" " Mm-hm?" " He would've felt this small." "Well, as a matter of fact we did that." " Did you go "neeurgh"?" " Well, not "neeurgh"." " But what?" " You don't do that in diplomatic circles." "But did you do a kind of spaz impression?" "Er, no." "When should a nation nuke another one?" "That's a very good question." " That's a very good question." " Thanks a lot." "I would say only if its very vital interests are involved." "Do you think America should nuke Canada?" " No." " Why not?" "Because we don't have any real, significant problems with Canada." "But if you nuked Canada, the amazing thing would be the element of surprise." "Them would never h'expect it." "Then you could take all their..." "h'everything they got there." " We don't want what they have." " They must have something good." "They have a lot of things good - gold, oil..." "Those cow things with the horns." " Moose." " Aight." "(# Hip-hop, scratching)" "# Hear dis!" "# Hear dis, boy!" "#" "If you is an officer, what is the bestestest tactic in battle?" "To win." "Oooh." "Wh-What?" "What does that mean?" "The best... the best tactic you can do is to manoeuvre so that you surprise the enemy." "So is the bestest tactic surprise?" " Sure it is." " Cos that makes me think of..." " Ooh!" "Did that surprise you?" " Yes." "That did, didn't it?" "When you surprise somebody, you have the advantage cos you know what you're doing," " and he's not prepared." " That's true because..." " Ah!" "Yo." " Yeah." "Exactly." " Did that...?" " Most of the great generals in history have figured out how to surprise the enemy, do something they don't anticipate." "No." "I understand because..." " Ha!" " (Laughs) Exactly." "Does you understand?" "I is trying to surprise you." "It's exactly that concept." "Is the army worried about the threat of chemical and biological weapons?" "Sure." "Sure." "Did they ever catch the people that sent Tampax through the post?" "Er, no, they did not." "It wasn't Tampax, it was anthrax." "I think they is different brand names." "Well, that may be but anthrax is a germ, er, Tampax is something very different." "Me just wanna say big up yourself, General Scowcroft." "You has helped us out here." "And, you know, the interesting..." " Ooh!" " (Laughs) Yeah." " The surprise thing." " Surprise, you got it." "But me just wanna say all you lot out there, listen to the words of my man the general, and I ain't shitting' you, he really is a general, Scowcroft, cos him has said nuff important things about war an' tings." "You'd better listen up." "Don't get mashed up." "Keep it real." "Me know you probably can't tell me this cos it is classified but what do the letters CIA h'actually stand for?" "Easy" " Central Intelligence Agency." " Is that your real face?" " Yes." "Had it for a long time." "Let's talk about some conspiracy things, let's go back to the grassy knoll." "Who actually shot JR?" "Uh..." "JFK, you mean?" " Er, I don't..." " Who's he?" "I am Boutros Boutros Ghali." "Put down your gun and listen to..." " (Ali) Bob Marley." " Bob Marley." "America's most wanted." "Have you seen this man?" "(Police radio, sirens)" "'Eagle, you're looking great." "Coming up nine minutes.'" "Hear me now, you has got to be well clever to run a massive business." "I has h'actually met Ronald McDonald, at me cousin's 15th birthday party in Egham." "And him, even though he dress like a total prick, is h'actually a genius." "If 'im can be the 'ead of a massive business so can I." "I's gonna find out 'ow." "Check it!" "I ain't never had an idea before." "How does you know when you has had one?" "Right." "How do you know?" "For a business idea?" "I mean, like, I has had the idea of, like, eating chicken or switching on the telly but I has never had an idea." "Right." "A business idea?" " Well, whatever." " Right." "If you had all the money in the world, this is a good exercise, and you could do anything with this money to make your life easier, what would you invent?" "Like... free bitches." "That..." "That is a good place to start." " Always, like, up for anything." " Right." "OK." "And there's..." "That could be a good business." "Erm..." "If me tell someone me idea, how does I know they ain't gonna nick it?" "That's tough." "People usually do." "Cos, like, when the PlayStation one came out, me was telling me Julie what would be wicked would be if they brought out something that was better than this." "Right." "And two years later, what come out?" "PlayStation 2." "How does you think they got the idea from me?" "Maybe Julie told 'em." "I don't know but..." " Well, if she did then..." " And if she did, then..." " Yo, then that is serious." " You have to talk to her." " Cos there is something called trust." " Absolutely." "I has got some business idea that I wanna tell you about." "Very quickly." "What is the most popular thing in the world?" " Music." " No." " Tell me." " Ice cream." " OK." " Everyone has it." "And what is the problem with ice cream?" " I have no idea." " It drips!" " OK." " So me idea is what?" "To make a drip-proof ice cream." "No." "That's a fucking brilliant idea." "All right, whatever." "You ain't gonna come out with that though?" "No, I promise I won't." "Me idea is to come out with these ice-cream gloves that make the ice cream not go on your 'ands and make it all well sticky," " and also it keep your 'ands warm..." " OK." "...when you is eating the ice cream." " OK." " Is you in or is you in?" "It sounds good and I hope you make a lot of money." "It's been nice seeing you, take care of yourself, OK?" "Is you in on that?" "We's got P Diddy is gonna be in it." "Good." "Here, here's an ice cream." " Do you want me to eat this?" " No." " What's my idea?" " Lay it on me." "The ice-cream glove." " That C means you can't nick it." " All right." " Has you seen one of these?" " Sure." " Everyone in school learns these things." " Sure." " Zen diagrams." " Sure." "People who like ice cream." " People who has hands." " Sure." "What's this section here?" " That's our target market." " OK." "Me did an intranet search for ice cream." "Me come back with 62... 6,121 result." "Me did an intranet search for the gloves." "How much results did me get?" "325... 0... 113." "So you times those together, what does you get?" "This is just people on the intranet, lookin' in." "203 zillion, whatever, 496 thousand, four hundred and then a one." "Check this out - if all those people bought one glove..." " Right." " At $19.99." " Right." " Just one glove." "Business would be worth..." " Wait for it." " I'm waiting." "That much." "That is such a big number I couldn't fit it that way." "That, in English..." "How does we... promote this company?" " We promote it with the strongest image." " All right." "All right, that's different." "(Ali) Naked woman on a 'orse." "Shaven or with, like, bush, whatever." "You know?" "Money talks, pubes walk." "(Chuckles) All right." "This may be..." "This may be the worst idea I've ever heard." "I actually don't dislike the idea." " Safe." "Respect." " But..." "I don't dislike the idea, you use it, you know." "It's not..." "There's something to it." " This is not gonna happen." " I has got another business idea." "Erm, OK, what is that?" "What's this?" "That is a skateboard." "No." "It is a toothbrush." "No." " Don't be..." " OK." "What is it?" "Grow a brain." "What is it?" " Me'll tell you what it is." " Oh." "It's a hoverboard." " I don't understand." " It's a hoverboard." " Has you seen Back To The Future?" " Yeah." "Has you seen the bit where they jump on the board and it flies around?" " It's in the future." " Yeah." "Yeah." "That film must have been about ten years ago." "No one has even thought about making that thing." "But it doesn't do that." "It doesn't do it yet." "That's where you lot come in." "You come up with the science..." "We don't do that." "This is nothing." "It was..." "It's a film." "They must have used the board from somewhere," " they made one that worked." " No." "No, no." "So how did he jump on it and fly all around, then?" "It's called special effects." "How do they do anything in a movie?" "Good luck." "You're gonna put on the glove before you shake my hand?" "Good luck." "(# East European folk-pop)" "(Man) I'm gonna give you a premise," " The premise is..." " Yes." "...that you are with a young lady." " Yes." " This is your second date." "Yes." "The second time you've been out with her and you are going to propose marriage to her." "I have a wife in Kazakhstan..." "That's even better, that adds more of a conflict." " But my wife will not allow it." " This is..." "This is imaginary." "We're gonna make believe that she will agree to it." "Ah, I will have time here with her!" " Yeah, that's right!" " Every time..." "But you have to convince her to come with you to Kazakhstan tonight." " Yes!" " Whatever you need to do." " But I have a wife." " I..." "This is not really gonna happen." " Why not?" " Let's say you were in a movie." "Yes, I have been in a movie" " Dirty Jew." "OK." "Now when you were in that movie, what part did you play?" "I play the one, the hero, who shoot them." " OK." " Do you know, er... famous people?" "I actually did a scene with Claire Danes in my acting class." "You might not know her but she's an American actress." "Is Freddie Mercury homosexual?" "Is Freddie Mercury a homosexual?" "I..." "I don't know if I'm qualified to comment on that." "Er, now, the young lady that you're doing the improv with..." " Yes." "...is Jennifer De Francesco." "Yes." "What we're gonna is, er, we're going to do an improv." " OK." " He's married." "You're going to say, "Hey, let's get it on right now."" "OK." "Erm..." " So, I've only known you..." " (Laughs)" " (All laugh)" " Nice." "I like." "I like this." " OK, stay in the scene." " OK." "Hm." "So, I know you have to go back home soon." "Yes." "But I was wondering if on your last night we could have a really special evening..." " Yes." "...together." "But they film this on a camera, my... my wife will see this." "Yeah, well, we're just..." "we're in a class, we're just..." " Yes." "Ah, yes." " We're acting." "You do not like me but you touch me before." "Well, that's cos we were acting." "I thought there were some excellent moments there." " Er, so, Jennifer, thank you." " Yeah." "Thank you." "Thanks." "Thanks." "No." "Thank you." " Hi." " Hello." "What will you be doing?" "I will perform from, er, television show..." " Great." "...that I in in Kazakhstan." " Locust." " OK, great." "Yes, I come!" "In ten minute." "Eight minute." "No, she cannot come." "She dead." "In the throat." "Yes, she good kid." "I like her, too." "I come." "Yes!" "(lmitating gunshots)" "Hey, it's you!" "Let her go." "Why you take her?" "She nothing to do with this." "You, me, was partner." "I am Locust!" "(lmitates gunshots in slow motion)" "(lmitates gunshots)" "I, Locust." "Fuck to you." "You safe now." "You do not need worry about him." "(lmitates gunshot)" " Thank you very much." " When will I hear?" "Erm, you know, if we're interested then we usually call." "(# Fast techno)" " Hello, how are you?" " I'm fine." "How are you?" "I'm very good." "Tell me about your latest fashions." "These are clothes for after 9-11." "A lot of clothes on the runway are still from..." "They're very pre-9-11." "They're SO pre-9-11." " They're very September 10." " They are, that's so true." "All my September 10th clothes are in the closet." "Why don't they get everybody's clothes they were wearing from September the 10th or before and put them in a massive pile and just hire some terrorists to just blow it up?" " That's a great idea." " Do a September 12th face into camera." "A September 12th face, er... is-is very inscrutable because nobody knows what's gonna happen next." "Show me the face." "Do it." " You don't know what will happen next." " And do a September 10th face." " The September 10th face was happy." " Yes." "Look into it." "September 10th face was a very, very happy face." "Do it." "No speaking." "What is September 13th face?" "You mean it really happened?" "Yes, it did happen." "Er, I wasn't dreaming, it wasn't a nightmare." "Yes, September 11th did happen." "What about September 14th face?" " Oh, it goes on and on..." " Just do it." "September 14th?" "What's gonna happen next?" "We have a bit of a problem, we can't get to speak to the designer, Carolina." " Could you pretend to be her?" " Where are you from?" "From Austria." "They don't know a fucking thing." "You want me to talk about the collection?" "Also, jetz bin inc hier mit Carolina Herrera." "I'm here with Carolina Herrera, the designer of that crazy show." "So, Carolina, how was it all?" "I thought it turned out absolutely wonderful." "My vision this year was to mix casual with very elegant." "It's an eclectic mix, very dichotomous with very rich colours, very beautiful fabrics but mixed with cargo pants." " I want to say, it's fantastic show." " Thank you." "And why the nautical theme?" " Nautical?" " Er, the ships, the waves..." " I didn't have nautical." " A bit of this, no?" "No." " Why not, why not?" " Why not?" "Because I was in someplace else, I was not in the sea." " What did you think of the show?" " I loved the show." "What about the nautical theme?" "The nautical theme I wasn't too crazy about." "There were some pieces I did like but it was a bit too much cos so many pieces were influenced by it." "Why do you think that she wanted to push this ship and ocean theme so hard?" "Why she wanted to?" "Maybe just cos we think of ships as an escape away from land, and the state of the country has just been so distressed, maybe she kind of thought of ships as a way to get away from all the craziness of here." "These people trying to get in to the Marc Jacobs show." "He already told us he wants us to come." "We do the press." "You're not on the list." "I know Marc." "You look at the list one more time" " and you will find..." " You're not on the list." " Look again." " I don't need to." " Look at it, please." " You're not on it." "Do you know who I am?" "I've won two Österreichischer Fernsehen prizes." " I'm like Jesus in Austria." " That's wonderful." "I'm prepared to do anything to get in, and I mean anything." " Try it." " What?" " You're not getting in." " I will give you the best head ever." "And I'm not even gay." " You want me to blow you?" " No, please." " Tickle your balls." "You tickle my balls." " No." "No." "I will let you take me in the scheissenpump." "This is my last offer." "You can fuck me von hintern." "You can take me up the schtinker." " Yes or no?" "I'm not even gay." " Hell, no." "What you have to do?" "I'm supposed to be doin' some work, I have to meet with Tony." "Bullshit." "I just got to get something out there..." "Great to see you." "I haven't seen you for so long." " How you been?" " I'm very good, thank you." "You remember we met and we had a great time in Los Angeles?" " I'm sorry." "I've met you before?" " Yes, we have met in Los Angeles." "Bruno, Bruno." " Bruno..." " You remember?" "I don't know." "I'm sorry, I think I know you." "Yes." "Good to see you." "Wagwan, everything irie." "I is 'ere with my main man, his name be Newt Gingrich and 'im was the leader of the House of Representatives." " Is that right?" " Yes." "Do you think a woman will ever be president?" " Absolutely." " Ain't there a problem that if there is, they is gonna spend all their time on facials, shopping and new shoes?" "If you said that to most women you'd be surprised how tough they are." "But wouldn't the whole cabinet be, like, Brad Pitt on defence and George Clooney on 'ealth, you know, cos him from ER and you has all these other good-looking geezers and King Dong in the background." "Margaret Thatcher was probably one of the three best prime ministers of the 20th century." "But wouldn't there be a danger that they'd fall in love with someone bad like Saddam Hussein?" " No more than for a man." " Yeah but women love bastards." "I don't have any..." "I think that's just a stereotype." "No but I know from me experience the worse you treat 'em the more they want you." "He could be doin' bad things to the US all the time and it would just get her more and more horny." "I don't think that kind of woman... would be president any more than a guy who's easy to push around." "People who get pushed around don't get to be president." "But ain't there the problem that if 'e declares war she'll just start cryin'?" "A woman who could be president would be comfortable saying," ""If you want a fight we'll do what it takes."" " Not if she was in love with him." " Otherwise..." "Treat 'em rough, you'll get your muff, that's what they say." "I think whoever you dated is different than the kind of people who get to be president." "How does you make countries do stuff you want?" "Well, the way you deal with countries in foreign policy," "I think that's what you're asking me..." " No doubt." "...is you deal with carrots and sticks." "But what country is gonna want carrots even if there is, like, a million tons of carrots you is giving?" "Carrots, I'm not using that term literally." "You might offer foreign aid to..." "money, OK?" "Money." "Money is better than carrots." "Even if a country love carrots and that is, like, their favourite national food," " if they get given..." " Don't get hung up on carrots." "That's a figure of speech." "So would you ever send carrots?" " Is there any situation?" " No." "No." " What about in a famine?" " Carrots themselves?" "No." "Was it embarrassing working as a secretary?" "Did it have the same kind of stigmata as being a male nurse?" "I think..." "The word secretary is used in different ways." "Why do you think politicians use so many words that young people just don't understand?" "Like "discussion" or "conflict"?" "Only chi-chi men would use them words." "Oh, I don't think so." "You'd find those in high schools in America and classrooms everywhere you go." "But surely if politicians used words like holler, swallow back, check this out all my peeps in your cribs, all you mofos out there, swallow this, booyakasha, wagwan, then people would 'ear it and understand, innit?" "That's crazy." "You can't find me five people in the entire country who could understand what you just said." " That ain't true." " Not five people." "I could find you five billion." "Cos of your jobs you must know a lot of secrets that happened back then." "It's been ten years." "I don't remember many of them." "What about Hillary Clinton?" "Does she drink from the furry cup?" "I don't know Hillary." "Does she eat from the bushy bowl?" "I don't know anything about her." "If she does, just cough." "I don't know anything about her." "So is this your interview technique?" "I was waiting to see if you coughed." "This is your interview technique?" "This interview is over." "The guy's an idiot." " I can interview you?" " For what?" "Österreichischer Jungenrundfunk." " Erm..." " I'm from Austria." " Just really quickly cos..." " OK, great." "So..." "Wait, let me go this side because this side I look fat." "Wait a minute." "Just do more of me, right?" "It's my show, it's not..." " All right?" " (Woman) We have to go." "You know, I sort of need to go." "Can we hurry?" " OK, right." " Sorry." "(Woman) Do you wanna do this?" "Really quickly you can ask me a couple of questions." "OK, great." "Er..." " Er, do I look fat?" " No, you look lovely." " Yeah?" " Let's go." "So..." "Er..." "I've forgotten, I was..." "Just say something." "Anything." "Peeps, stay in college and off the crack and big up yourself." "America's most wanted." "Have you seen this man?" "(Police radios, sirens)" "'Eagle, you're looking great." "Coming up nine minutes.'" "Yo." "Science." "What is it all about?" "Techmology." "What is that all about?" "Is it good or is it whack?" "There is a bloke from round my hood, Staines, called Rainbow Jeremy, who reject everything to do with science." "He just chill at home, he smoke his own home-grown, and check this - he don't have a telly." "I ain't shitting you." "He don't have a telly." "He lives in a house, though." "That house is a product of technology." "He got no techmology, you can check his website." " The house itself..." " He wears clothes, shoes." " (Ali) What?" " He eats food." "Has computers made our lives better?" "There's no question about it." "Will computers ever be able to work out what nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine" "multiplied by" " nine nine nine nine nine..." " (Muttering)" "You don't know what I was going to say." "Nine nine eight nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine point eight eight nine nine eight eight nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine." " The answer's yes." " The most powerful computer does 36 trillion operations a second." "So would it be able to multiply ten ten ten ten ten ten ten ten ten ten ten ten..." " Yes." "Yes." "...ten ten ten ten ten ten ten" " ten ten ten ten ten ten ten..." " Yes." "Yes." "You don't know what I was gonna say." "Multiply..." "You don't know." "...ten ten ten ten 11..." " (Coates) Makes no difference." " It makes no difference..." "...11, 12..." " The computer will handle it." "...18, 19, 20... 100, 100, 100, 100, 100, 100," " 100, 100, 100 million..." " Yes." "...thousand million." " Yes." "Yes." "Any numbers you want, it will be able to multiply." "Point nine nine nine nine eight, without blowing up?" " Yes." " Gonna move it on a little bit." "Where did men come from?" "Man evolved out of lower species, in the way that all species evolved out of lower species." " This is ridiculous." " What?" "He's welcome to believe his grandpa was Lucy and came down from a tree but that is pure religion." "So you is saying we ain't come down from monkeys?" "Monkeys have babies." "Why don't they have a human?" " We're Homo sapiens and..." " Well, yo..." "I ain't." "I just wanna make clear, cos this is going out on the TV, that I don't do that stuff, I ain't got nothing against you." "It's the Homo that threw him off." "Explain that." "It is a scientific nomenclature that describes who we are as part of a phyla or a stream." " It goes hominid, hominoid..." " Different names for it." " We're all Homo sapiens." " My wife is a Homo sapien." " But that's not homosexual." " Respec'." "Well, it's just a way of describing who we are." "That's it, you know." "I..." "I wanna make clear, respec' for coming on." "I won't treat you differently now that that has come out." " That's safe." " It has nothing to do with..." "You're confused here." "Let's settle the confusion." "All of people in the whole world the biologists have in a group called Homo." "And the particular human group below that is sapiens." "And all that is Greek." "It just means the Greek word for "man, smart"." " A lot of them is talented..." " It's not about homosexuals." "It has nothing to do with homos that you meet on the street." "It's a different lingo." " But... so is... is you a..." " (Hovind) My point is one of the homo lot?" " I am a Homo sapien, all humans are Homo sapiens." " OK?" "You are too." " Yo, yo." "The term Homo in Homo sapien has nothing at all to do with sex." "All right." "Let's talk about when technology goes horribly wrong." "Is there techmologies that you won't use?" "Er, I try to avoid foods that have pesticide residues on them." "No disrespect or whatever, but does you use a toilet or does you just drop one in a hole?" "I use the toilet, like I assume everybody here does." "You'd use it but would you flush?" "Certainly, yeah, absolutely." "So would you use a toilet or does you just drop it in a hole?" "I've been to places with no toilets and I'm glad to get back to America." " So would you flush?" " Oh, sure." "You should have a septic system to handle the waste." "You say that but there's evidence backstage to the contrary." " Was it... was it you?" " What are you talking about?" "You know what I is talking about." " No, I have no clue." " The floater." "Covering it with paper don't make it OK." "That goes for the rest of you, whoever it was." "I ain't accusing but I has my suspicions." "I don't..." "It was not me, if that's what you're saying." "If I understand you, which I don't part of the time." "You know what I is talking about." "If it was, shame on you." " Still... you're very confusing." " I ain't pointing fingers." "But is you the one backstage that didn't flush?" " No, sir." " (Ali) You know what I mean." "Why you would talk about that on TV blows my mind." "Just saying, out of respect, and we was talking about respect, whoever it was, and I ain't..." "I don't care, let's just..." " Then move on." " (Ali) Let's put it aside." "But that ain't right." "Shame on you." "I didn't do it." "Don't say shame on me." "I didn't do anything." "Just wanna thank you all for coming on 'ere." "This was very interesting." "Keep it real." "Yo." "Respec'." " Respec'." " Respect." "Respec'." " Respec'." " Respect." "(# East European folk-pop)" "Yekshemesh." "Hello." "In Kazakhstan, as we know, the new age began in May 1992, when it became legal for women to wear trousers, speak in public and travel on inside of bus." "Here, in America, it means something different." "I'm gonna check your chakra energy centres with the pendulum to see which ones are needing to be balanced." "So there is no hand relief?" "Not a massage, just like this." "Hands on, touching." "Your solar plexus is not open." "Er, last night, I eat, er..." "12, how you say, beef jerky." " Mm." "It gave you indigestion?" " Jerky." " It make it come like water." " OK." "OK." "What I'd like to do is put some crystals around you." " Do hands on." " What do you mean a "hands-on"?" "Like Reiki, you put your hands on your energy..." " Like, er, Ricky Martin?" " R-Reiki master, right." "Is, er, Ricky Martin a healer?" "Er, in the sense that he uses sound as a healing modality." "Ricky Martin we like very much in Kazakhstan." "So I'm gonna pull the stones off of you." "I just wanted to show you what this does." " Ricky Martin will come here?" " No, no." "I said Reiki master, it's a type of oriental healing." " You know, with hands on." " How do you know Ricky Martin?" "How do I know Ricky Martin?" "I don't know Ricky Martin." "Why do we talk about Ricky Martin?" "Because I was talking about... a type of oriental healing called Reiki." " And he do this..." " You connected Reiki to Ricky Martin." " I have to pull these off." " Can we meet him?" " Who?" " Ricky Martin." "Ricky Martin?" "I don't know, do you have his address?" " No." " Yeah, I don't either." "(# Disco rock)" "This is a spirit tree, an old grandfather cottonwood tree." "Been growing here for 125 years." "In Kazakhstan, when you have important tree or oak, you do a water from the hràng..." " Mm-hm." "Yes." "...on this." "Can I do now?" " Mark territory." "Sure, please." " Thank you." " It's marking your territory." " It is OK for you?" " Long as the tree doesn't mind." " Thank you." "Water here is precious, no matter what form it comes in." " Thank you." " You're welcome." "I'm gonna show you a dragon that lives in this tree, too." "(Ron) This one here, everybody loves." "(Ron) In many ways, that is an honour to the tree, to offer it water from your own body in the desert is about the most precious gift." "So spitting on the ground is an offering in the desert." "Because you need your water for survival." "(Humming)" "(Squeaks)" "Bangurhan chinqui indimogz robich." " Uma domovun." "Bangurhan." " Ahoo." "Dzien dobry." "Not only spirit important, body, too." "In Kazakhstan, lazy, greedy peasants complain they must lift heavy weights and run for many hours." "In America, stupid people pay money to do this." "I look." " Hello, Borat, nice to meet you." " Hello." " How are you?" " Nice to meet you." "Welcome to Ironworks." "This is what you'll do." "Watch me." " Pull and extend." " Yes." "OK?" "The legs." "On the machine, though." "No, on the machine." "No, you have to come back in the position, all the way up." "Put your legs under... under here." "Oh... up on top." "Up on top." "Face down." "No, the way you were in the beginning." " No." " Yes." "And now I move up?" "Yeah." "Face down." "Hold the handles." "OK." "This is your position." "You don't move from here." "Yes." "It hurt my hràng." " It hurts what?" " My hràng." " Your...?" " My... er, my testes satchel." " Your abdomen goes here." " Yes." "The foot comes around into here." "And you push it up, up, up, up, like this." " So then you're running." " Yes." "And stop." " Yes?" " This is dangerous. (Laughs)" "I don't think you should try." "It's too dangerous." " Yes." " Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk." "You must walk." " Yes." " Walk faster, faster." "There you go." "Faster, there you go." "Now, look straight ahead and just walk." " Yes." " Just walk." "Walk." "There you... see... walk, though." "Keep walking, walk." "Don't stop." "Faster." "There you go, there you go." "Feel?" " Yes, I fear." " Relax and just walk." " I relax." " Stand up." " There." "Now you're doing it." " I relax." "Now show your people you're doing it." " Chinqui." " Don't stop." "Wide, wide, wide." "Yo!" "Boom, boom, shake the mofo room." "I is 'ere with the main man of medicine." "Him name be C Everett Koop." "So all you lot out there need to listen up, because you is as likely to be killed by an illness as you is by a drive-by." "So let's talk about the human body, cos after all, everyone has got one of them... so we is meant to believe." "How important is the heart?" "The heart is the pump that makes the blood take all the things you need nutritionally to all parts of your body." "Why is the actual heartbeat so old-fashioned?" "You know, boom-boom, boom-boom, boom-boom." "That's a built-in mechanism in the heart that is electrical." "Surely my homies would be more into looking after their heart if they had a beat they could relate to, like a drum'n'bass." "You know... (lmitates drum machine)" "Then they would look after it and go, "Yo, this is me heart, respect it."" " You're way off base there." " Why can't we use techmology and take out some of the bit - with all respect - boring organs and stick in a CD player, like wicked speakers, booming out, you is like a walking sound system." " That'd be wicked, man." " It would be "wicked" is what you say." "It would be - "impossible" is a better word." "What about sticking a mobile phone in there?" "Surely there's space for that?" "You don't know what you're saying." "What would happen to your body with a cellphone in there?" "It'd be able to answer calls and all that." "No, you'd start to bleed, you'd start to get infection and before long, if nobody intervened, you'd be dead." " What is the brain?" " It's the thing you have to have." " Without it, nothing else works." " Is the brain's memory any good?" "The brain's memory is perfect." "So how come I can't remember me PIN number?" " Well..." " I think it's got a four in it." "I could give you a quick answer and say you're stupid." "You know?" "That obviously ain't the real reason." "It's the beginning of truth." "Does all of us really have bones or is it what the media want us to believe?" "You all have bones." "Me know this is a generalisation but why is all skeletons involved in evil stuff?" "That's just, erm..." "Skeletons are the last thing to disappear." "How fast do bones grow?" "They grow very remarkably until you are a certain age and then, when you go through puberty, bones stop growing." "How come some bones can grow in a few seconds, like, a few inches?" " That can't happen." " How come the dong bone can just..." "It's not a bone." "It's not a bone." " It is a bone, innit?" " No, it isn't." "But it grows well quickly." "I has got 11 girls who can prove it." " They can give you evidence." " It's not bone." "(# Hip hop, scratching)" "# Hear dis" "# Hear dis, boy #" "Do you reckon it's ever OK to end someone's life?" "No." "I do not." "But, like with me cat when him 'ad a broken leg, me took him..." "Your cat..." "Your cat is not a human being." "Well, me cat was a human being." "No, please don't confuse me." "Your cat was not a human being." "Nobody believes a cat is a human being." " But it had human feelings." " No, not human feelings." " It was sad sometimes." " I'm sure it's sad." "It was sad when they had to..." "booka it cos of the leg." "Let's talk about a big thing - death, D-E-F." "I is talking about the thing that happens to you... you know, a few weeks after you is alive." "That's bad, innit?" "You don't spell it that way." "It's D-E-A-T-H." "So what is the chances that me will eventually die?" "That you will die?" "100 per cent." "I can guarantee that 100 per cent." "You will die." " You is being a bit of a pessimist." " No, an absolute realist." "I didn't realise you was a playa hata." "I'd like a second opinion." "There is nobody that I know who has a mind and a brain who doesn't know that everybody will die." "I like to think four out of five people is definitely gonna be... have the death thing happen to them." "One out of five, Jah bless, keep going." "Keeping it strong." "I hope." "You will eventually find you're wrong." "Keep it real." "Yo, big up yourself." "(Police radio, sirens)" "Diggety check yourself before you wreck yourself." "I is here with none other than my man, Ralph Nader." "Him be the Green Party presidential candidate in the year 2000." "So what is happening with the rainforests?" "They're being cut down, very fast." "What's the big deal?" "It's not like anyone ever lived in them." "Sure, you have a lot of native peoples who live in them." "But surely they would be happy to get out of there." "It must be crap living there." "No Maccy Ds, no KFCs, no way to drive around anywhere, all these monkeys plopping on your 'ead." "Who'd wanna stay there?" "You'd have to be absolutely mental." "You wouldn't like it." "But why would anyone wanna live there with the risk of a monkey dropping one on your 'ead?" "The monkeys aren't eager to search out these natives and plop on them." " Yeah, but it ain't impossible." " I've never heard of a case." "How should people out there lessen the amount of electricity they use?" "There's a lot of waste, you know." "You leave your house and you leave the electricity on." "Me sometimes get the electricity meter and me put, like, a coat hanger in one of the clogs and that seems to stop it." " Or you can use magnets and..." " And then you can't turn the lights on?" "No, you can turn the lights on but the numbers don't go up." "Yeah, that's rigging the meter, though." "That's a violation." "Do you think, if it was legal, people should do that here?" "No, it doesn't reduce the amount of electricity you use." "So how come the number ain't going up?" "Because you're interfering with the meter." "It's easy to be negative." "I was only helping you out." "I appreciate that." " Is natural gases running out?" " No." "Why don't you get humanoids who make a lot of natural gas to maybe squeeze one out into a box and use that energy?" "You already have tens of millions of cattle but they haven't figured out how to put a box on their asshole." "Check it." "It is eight o'clock in the morning, which is the earliest I has ever been up and I is in the middle of the fucking desert." "Why?" "Cos I is at an antinuclear protest." "Which is a subject well, well close to me heart." "And it is also an opportunity to meet some loose hippy bitches and possibly 'ave a rumble." "Respec'." "So shall we stand up or shall we sit down?" "Let's sit, it's closer to the earth that way." "No doubt." "The Shoshone people believe in hugging from heart to heart." " Oh, right." "Did we...?" " Well, let's try again." "Oh." "Easy now." " Very nice." " Yeah." "Has you ever, like, been to the UK?" "Yes, I have." "I went to London." "Has you been to Staines?" "That's where I is from." " Staines?" " No." "That whole area's very beautiful." " It's got a new McDonald's." " McDonald's?" "Oh, no." " No, it's got an amazing, massive one. - Really?" " It's got..." " I try to avoid that stuff." " Is you more Burger King or..." " Me?" "No." " KFC?" " None of it." "Is you gonna be doing a bit of protesting today?" "Er, not today, I gotta take off but yeah, I went down there and got in their face, it was pretty fun." " Did you get arrested?" " I didn't, but I have been in the past." "With full respec', ain't you being a bit... (Clucks)" " Chicken?" "Is that...?" "Well..." " You know, chicken." "Well, you could be right." " Will you come down with me?" " I ain't getting arrested." "Well, is you a bit of a... (Clucks)" "Oh. (Clucks loudly)" "Sure." "You bet I am." " Is you on crack?" " Huh?" "Where does that gold come from?" "Who fucking mines that gold?" "He's got Africa on this." "Where does gold come from Africa?" "Do you know how gold is mined, the environmental devastation that has occurred by this gold?" "Do you know how many people are in bondage, slaves in Africa, so you can wear a gold Africa?" "Is you by any chance a bit jealous?" "You know they is all coming down here, so..." " Who's coming down?" " There's gonna be a big thing." " That's their option." " One of them I met was saying bad things about you - all your mums was slags and you was cowards, was too cowardly to, like, arrest them and all that." "He's got his philosophy, we've got ours." "He's got, like, a big beard, this geezer, like, sunglasses on." "Massive beard." "# You've destroyed the World Trade Center... (lmitates drum machine)" "# And crashed the Pentagon... #" "(Continues drum sounds) Bit depressing." "# Resist the urge to cause more suffering... # No." "# Resist the urge to retaliate #" "(Rapping) I is feeling, kind of" "The vibe of the earth thing" "I is gonna do a protesting" "I didn't know if people that I was talking with" "Didn't know 'ow they would walk in with" "Didn't know 'ow I would go in with" "And when I didn't know if it if" "When, what, if" "Didn't know what and is gonna in the fence" "On the fence, the fence, de-fence, de-fence" "Defence, defence, I is talking about defence" "I meant, meant about something" "To do with defence" "And the whole thing about rents" "And we is about rents and fence" "And if you don't like that then" "Live in the tents, yo, that's what I is saying," " Living in a tent, yo" " Tents." "Making it free, making it kind of funky" "Making the ladies touch their punani" "That is wild, that is fly" "Cos all my bitches here is rocking their style" "Take it away." "Fr-Fr-Fr-Fr-Fresh." "Fr-Fr-Fresh." " All right!" " Respec'." "Yo." "Yo, respec'." "What is states?" "In chemistry, you can have things that are solid, that's one state, liquid is another state, and gas, like the air, which you can't usually see." "Ain't there a danger you think you is producing a gas and out comes a solid?" " Has you ever done that?" " Well, I suppose there's always a danger." "Cos me once went on a date with this honey called Melanie Sharp." "And we was in the cinema and me let slip a silent but violent, and me did the usual, you know, just go..." " Yep." " You know, like..." "Tch." "Blame it on them." "Then I thought I was cool and we walked out half an hour later." "I thought, "Something ain't right."" "So I went round the corner, had a little peep and hallo..." " There was solid." "OK." " Some solid in me Hilfigers." "Me name be Ralph Nader, me gonna make an appeal." "Homies, save de rainforest, aight?" "Keep it real." "America's most wanted." "Have you seen this man?" "(Police radio, sirens)" "'Eagle, you're looking great." "Coming up nine minutes.'" "Fr-Fr-Fr-Fresh." "'Ear me now, rude boys." "I has got nuff heavy TV ideas, which is why I is come 'ere to..." "Los Angeles, to see if I can make it in the world of telly." "Bo'!" "What is this project about?" "It's loosely based on, like, James Bond but it's for TV." "I've seen that over and over and over again." " There's nothing new." " I done an eight-minute thing." "Let me see, I'll watch a little bit of it." "(# Techno)" "Get him!" "This bit's good." "OK." "I got..." "I got the idea." "All right." "Um..." "This is not a genre that I'm interested in." " You ain't given it a chance." " I have." "I'm not interested." "People will switch on when they see the title, James Bond." "I'm not interested in it." "Thank you very much, I'm not interested in it." "I can't make it any more clear." "I'm not interested in it." "As clear as I could possibly..." "I am not interested in it." "I want you to just level with me." "If you like it, say you like it." " If you don't, say it." " I tried to say it." " There's another..." " I have time for one pitch." "It's like Who Wants To Be A Millionaire but with more cash." "I really have to..." "I have another appointment." "It's Who Wants To Be A Billionaire." "There's also one massive selling factor here - the cast." "Me knows this girl who also lives in Staines called Melanie Gibson." "I is hoping to get her involved, then we can put on the posters "Starring Mel Gibson"." "OK." "But in this country, actors, if they have a name that's already taken, they can't even use their legal name." "She's known by a lot of her mates as Mel." " And that's..." " "Mel, yo, can you...?"" "Officially, if she's, like, applying for a job, Melanie." "But once she is in there - "Yo, Mel, has you got...?" ""What is you up to tonight, Mel?"" "She might have a little problem clearing the name with the Screen Actors Guild here." "Me would raise, like, loads of cash by threatening to cuss companies if they didn't 'and over cash." "So let's say we ask McDonald's, you know, "Do you wanna 'elp fund the programme?"" "If them say no, we say, "All right," ""we is gonna have someone eatin' a Big Mac and then dying' of cancer."" "Well, that's almost tantamount to blackmail." "Let's say I rang up McDonald's, spoke to the main man." "I'd say, "Yo, Ronald, give me the cash."" "What I think is that you have to be positive in your approach." "So maybe me show you the tape." "'I can't believe it." "It's a lady.'" "Thanks for saving my life." "(Grunting)" "(Mobile phone)" "'What is it?" "I is in the middle of having sex.'" "It better be important." "Wow, that is fuckin' important." "'What, there is a bomb?" "I just gotta finish meself off.'" "Thanks." "Before you leave me, I didn't catch your name." "Me name is James Bond." "James..." "Bond." " Do you wanna produce it?" " No." "No, it's not my kind of show." "My other idea is this - a police dog has died and its spirit has gone into the Chief of Police." "And it is called..." "Hot Dog Cop." "Does this police chief know what's going on?" "That's the best thing about it." "Ain't got no idea." " What happens when it takes over?" " Him can speak to the dogs, him can run like a dog - well fast, but also, he does the dirty stuff that dogs do as well." "Like, he'll do a..." "Suddenly he can't control himself, do one." "I think it would take a very... uh... ingenious script... to make it work." "You would need a dog to help write some of it." " And by that, what do you mean?" " The dog bits." "(Police radio, sirens)" "(# East European folk-pop)" "Hello." "Chinqui." "I come here to learn etiquette in deep South with Helen, who professor of etiquette." " Yes, sir." " Hello." " Hello." " Should you be polite to all?" " Yes." " Er, should you be polite to prostitute?" " Well, yes, because that's what they do." " Yes." "How much is polite to tip them?" " To tip?" " Yes." "Usually, it's ten per cent." " In some places, it's..." " Yes." " For hand relief." "...sometimes 20 per cent." "For with vagine." "But it is always proper to tip." "Will you teach me, please, how to be... manners?" " Yes, sir, I will." " Thank you." " You're welcome." " Thank you." "You're welcome." " Thank you?" " You're welcome." "Er, thank you?" "You say how to talk to people with different personality." "Right." "We also have a dull person." "Like my wife." " What you need to do..." " She is boring." "You need to think about things to help her not be boring." "It is like doing it with my sister." "We're not talking about that." "Is she boring to have dinner with?" " Yes." " You need things to talk about." "Maybe it's because you haven't done enough with her." "I do everything!" "I try..." "In the kitchen I do it, every way, we try, we look at the DVD, we try to make it ourself." "(Man) Ladies and gentlemen..." "This is Elsa McDowell, this is Borat." "Hello." "How do you do?" " Simms McDowell." "Pleased to meet you." " Chinqui." " Hello, I'm George Thurmand." " Hello." "Borat Sagdiyev." "Can I talk about what I did last night?" "Well, it depends on what you did." "Is it somethin' personal that might make someone embarrassed?" "No." "Last night, er..." "I had sex." "I beg your pardon?" "I had, um... with woman from Gambia" "I do, um..." "Oh!" "In America we don't discuss that." "But she was nice!" "High five!" " She was..." " You're in trouble, George!" "Can I talk about my hobbies?" "Sure." "That's a wonderful thing to talk about." "Again, that's getting to know a person." "Do you like porno?" "(Man) No." "(Woman) An interesting conversation." "But why?" "In Kazakhstan now, after communism we have a lot of porno." "I like..." "I like a shaven pussy!" "Should I talk about my family?" "Sure." "I would share good things about your family." "My sister, she is a... a prostitute?" "That's sad." "What?" "Why is she a prostitute?" "She like to make money!" "High five!" "She like to come to US and A." "She can stay with you?" "We'd have to see." " She is good!" " I know the answer to that." "What if I make a smell?" "Should I say is me?" "No, you don't make it obvious but if you feel like people are looking at you like... you just say, "Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry."" " (Borat) There is a smell." " Like you're..." "It smell like a shit." "Yes, it does!" "We say a putt." "When you do a putt, when you squeeze a bad... a bad smell from the... hole." "Hole." " You do a putt." " That's right." " There are wonderful flowers..." " I can do a big putt!" " You want I try?" " I'm good." " You want I try to do a putt?" " No." " I can do." " I know you can." "Who cannot?" " You want I...?" " No." " Can you make yourself do it?" " I have one." " I have one, you want?" " No." "Borat, don't do it." "It is coming." " Um..." " (Man) We're waiting." " No, we're not." " If you want, I can do." " Put your hand close." " No!" " Chinqui." " Chinqui, OK." "You are a fat!" "You are fat!" " He is a fat." " I'm fat." "That's why I..." "You are tiny!" "He will squash you when you do the sex." "Easy now." "Sex." "You has all heard the words, probably nuff of you out there is done it." "So, what is pornography?" "I think pornography sends a very dangerous message to society." "I think it lies about sex." " What does you think?" " I mean, I... (Giggles)" " I enjoy watching it myself." " No doubt." "You know, a lot is the parents, because you have to be 18 to enter these sites." " There's a written..." " She's right." "...statement saying, "Yes, I'm 18."" " That's..." " Whoa, let her finish." " I'm sorry." "I'm seeing young girls, 12, 13, and I'm thinking they're 18." "For the men in this business, how important is it, the size of the warrior?" "It's not really the size." "I've worked with quite large men," "I've worked with smaller men." "Cos I is got a massive one." "But what does you say to people with small ones?" "Not me." " No." "It's..." " I'm quite the opposite." "The saying, it's not how large, it's how you use it." "Why do you think it is that you ain't had sex with someone yet?" "Is it because you is too shy or cos you is aiming for honeys out of your league?" " No." " Is it cos of the confidence?" " You don't go up to ladies..." " No." "No." "No." "No." "...and say, "Let's do it"." " No." "I do not believe that sex with multiple partners should be the norm." "So you is saying is you actually is trying not to 'ave sex?" "I'm trying not to allow sex to come to the forefront of my life." "Does you think the age at which you can 'ave sex is at the right level?" "For most states in this country, the age of consensual sex" " is usually around 16 or 18." " Aight." "Virgin, does you think it's at the right age?" "Well, I think the difficulty is the issue that we're wired to have sex pretty young." " How old..." "Can I...?" " I was 18 when I lost my virginity." "How old was you?" "I ain't asking you cos you is a virgin." "I was like, I think, about ten or something, with this model from Italy who was 28." "It is illegal for people to 'ave sex below the age of 16." "Should it be illegal to 'ave sex above the age of, say, 50?" "I wouldn't want it to be illegal to have sex above the age of 50 for personal reasons!" "But like a couple of years ago, me had a really bad experience." "Me walked in on me nana." "She was doing it, like, 69 with Uncle Derek, her boyfriend - who ain't me real uncle." "I felt sick, it was like walnuts in a sock." " How can that be right?" " Don't go into Nana's bedroom." "Yeah, but they did it in the living room as well." "Well, that's irresponsible, for parents to do that when there are children around or anyone else." "Let's just have one word to sum up your position." "Let's say commitment." " Virgin?" " Nobility." " Jesus." " (Heart) Hmm." " Safety." " Yo, and mine is peace." "So let's try and do that into something." "Er... (Soulfully) # Peace" "# Yo, nobility, yeah!" "# Check it" "# Cos Jesus... #" "Innit?" "# Is... #" "Commitment." "# Commii-i-tment #" "OK." "Peace." "Mm?" "Just thought that up." "Just like that." "I didn't know what your words was gonna be beforehand." " It was off the top of my head." " Thank you." "(# Fast techno)" "Entschuldigung, bitte." "I'm here in the coolest city in the world." "That's right, LA." "Los Angeles." "It makes Vienna look like a Scheissendummführer." "Let's go and find out what makes it so out there." "Whatever." "Wir gehen zurück." "Would you, like, prefer to be born without a sense of fashion or with one of those hands that has really small fingers, like half a hand thing?" "Yes, I'd rather be born with a sense of fashion, definitely." " And one of those..." " Exactly." "Because you can design something to cover them, special gloves." "Maybe you could add some steel fingers or silver fingers, things to make it look exercised." "What was it like when Madonna came in through the door..." " She didn't." "...did her vogue and said," ""Hi, I'm a virgin?"" "Well, I don't wanna say." "She didn't come to the store here." " She hasn't been here?" " Not when I was here." "Warum sind sie hier?" "Du hast gesagt, Madonna." "They're crazy about Madonna." "Can you just pretend...?" "OK, so what was it like when Madonna came through the door and said, "I wanna buy these clothes, they're the greatest,"" "and like did the vogue?" "Yeah, it was amazing, unbelievable." " How many things did she buy?" " 12 to 14 pieces." "Oh, my God!" "And did she come back in many, many, many times?" "Yes, she did." " Is this her favourite shop?" " Yes." "What's the cool way to walk?" "All right." "This is the coolest way to walk." "OK, great." " What's, like, the innest religion now?" " Buddhism." "And what was the in religion, like, you know, last fall?" "Maybe Catholic." "We've got a charity with the show, it's to do with, like, death or dead children, I don't know." "Er, I wondered if you can do something for them, into camera?" "Take it away from the god of fashion." "OK." " That's it." " Cool." "That will make a difference." "What do you think about Hitler?" "He was from Austria." "Do you think he had good style?" "Their uniforms looked perfect." "It was never out of style." "He had style and he had a message, a bit like Christine Aguilera." "Er, yeah, I guess he did have a message." "So, if Jesus were alive today, where would he shop?" "Er, Jesus would probably shop on Melrose, actually." "We've got a lot of shops that have long, cool get-up yet still have that back-to-earth kind of feeling." "Sure." "And what about Gandhi?" "Where would he shop?" "Gandhi was a minimalist." "I'd say he would shop downtown." "Downtown there's a lot of fabric stores," "I think he'd just buy a piece of fabric, tie it with a rope and he'd be fine." "(Bruno) What is Jonathan Antin?" "What is Jonathan Antin?" "Fuck, man." "I'm just a..." "I'm a troubled, crazy..." " Sure." "...fucking maniac that has a lot of feelings and a lot of emotion and a lot of craziness." "Look at the evil people in the world." "Saddam Hussein, Hitler, Stalin." "What did they all have in common?" "Moustaches." "There's quite a few Middle Easterners that look like him that are not totally crazy." "There are a few people with moustaches who aren't totally crazy but most of them..." " A little fucking nuts." " In my experience." "Is it a coincidence that all the good people have long hair, like Jesus and like hippies and, you know, Rod Stewart, whatever." "Sure." "I've done Rod Stewart's hair for a long time." " I'll be really honest with you." " Sure." "I'm very impressed that you've brought these issues up." "Because I've thought of them a couple of times in my career but I've never heard anyone else address them except for you." " Thanks." "That means a lot." " Did you write all this shit?" " Yeah, I've been thinking..." " Dude, that's so heavy." " I've always wondered why." " Yeah, cos it's crazy." " Why all the good people..." " Jesus and Moses." " Yeah." " In pictures of God..." "Long hair!" "They didn't care so much about their look, they wore wraps, they grew their hair long." "Say something controversial into the camera." "You motherfuckers in the Middle East," "God help you if I ever come over there, cos I'll take all you cocksuckers out." "We say in Kazakhstan a man who never kill a man is like a man without any..." "How you say?" " Is true, is true?" " Er..." "It's a strange feeling." "You have a big, er..." "You have a big, er, hràng?" "Ah... (Mutters)" " Fairly." "Yeah, it's, um..." " Yes." "Not..." "Pretty good." "Pretty good." " I can touch?" " In America, you don't, er..." "It's not, er..." "That's not one of our customs, you know, where you..." " I can touch?" " Er..." "Well, sure." "Why not?" " Yes, is OK with you?" " Sure." " Is nice." " Thank you." "Is, er, good but I have, er, seen bigger." "America's most wanted." "Have you seen this man?" "(Police radio, sirens)" "'Eagle, you're looking great." "Coming up nine minutes.'" "What is art?" "I dunno but I think it has got something to do with the gays." "Whatever." "I is come to New York to find out more." "Check it." "What is art "now... voo"?" "Nowvoo." "Nowvo." "Nowvo?" " Art nouveau." " Whatever." "Yeah, whatever." "Whatever." "Er, art nouveau was a style, er... toward the end of the 19th century." "(Ali) What is art deco?" "New York is an art deco city, you might say." "So what is Art Garfunkel?" "Art Garfunkel is Art Garfunkel, he's just a singer." " Ain't that confusing for young people?" " It would astonish me if it were." "I once painted me Julie with some chocolate body paint." "Is that art?" "The interesting question is not yes or no but why." "Well, I did it because I thought it would turn her on but it didn't even taste of chocolate and it looked like she'd shat the bed." "It might still have been art but it didn't do what you wanted." " What is acting?" " Oh." "Not a good question." "The camera hates "acting"." " What's this?" " That's old-fashioned acting, where you're indicating, acting in quotes." "Those are quotes." " Quotes?" " Quotation marks." " I thought they was ears." " That's correct." "Why is it that hoes is better actors than men?" "Uh..." "I should tell you, as dean of the Actors Studio Drama School, that I don't use words like "hoes" and I hate them." "Honestly." " All right." "Bitches." " I know it's the vernacular..." "I hate words like "bitches"." "But why is it that woman is so good at pretending to be upset?" "Like, "Oh, Ali, you has forgotten me birthday!" ""Oh, you has slept with me best friend!" You know, crying." "Has you ever met Robert De Niros?" " Robert De Niro was on my show." " Whoa!" "He is the bomb, man!" "He is so good!" "Robert De Niro is a genius." " Has you've seen Analyze This?" " Oh, yeah." "Oh, him doing his thing!" "I've had them both on my show." "What does he say?" ""No, you, you, you." "No, you." "You,"" "to the other one with the beard who ain't that good." "You asked about the Actors Studio." "Go see Taxi Driver." " Is it better than Analyze This?" " Yes." "Has you ever cried watching a movie?" " Of course." "I'm a pushover." " You has cried?" "(Laughs)" "What are you laughing at?" "I cry if I'm moved." "Does you want to redo that bit?" "You don't want them to know that." " You're gonna...?" " Has you ever cried?" "You're gonna call me a fifi boy for crying in a movie?" "It is a bit over the hill and round the bend." "Jesus, no." "Jesus, no!" "Has you ever interviewed Shakespeares?" " William Shakespeare?" " No doubt." "He died about 400 years ago." "No, he ain't, cos I has seen him at..." " On the telly?" " No, on the theatre." "The school made us go to see William Shakespeare." "You saw somebody playing Shakespeare." "I didn't like it and me left after half an hour." "Well, they chucked me out cos I was shining one of them laser pens on Shakespeare's head." " But..." " Respect." "Shame on you." "(# East European folk-pop)" "(Borat) Did the premier Bush come from south?" "(Woman) Yes, George Bush is from Texas." " Ah, is good!" " And I went to school with Barbara Bush at Ashley Hall here." " Barbara Bush?" " Yes." ""Bush" in Kazakhstan..." "We laugh when we hear the name, because bush mean the hair around... er, the testes satchel." "And, er, Barbara, we say in Kazakhstan mean "to eat"!" "So it is like Barbara Bush is to eat the hair from a testes satchel!" "Is good." "This is the spring house." " Go on in!" " Hello." "This is a very ancient kind of tool." "But it is a shame now to use this primitive tool." "We now have a machine, it can chop wood, er... without man." "OK, you have to understand what we're about." "This is the 18th century, OK?" " I am a historic interpreter." " You are a slave?" "I am not." "I am a historic interpreter." "I am a museum educator." " Can I buy you?" " No, I'm afraid you can't." "In Kazakhstan, we think USA very technology, very good and now I see is very primitive." "This is 200 years ago." "We are not in the year 2002 here." "We are..." "This is a time machine back to the year 1750 or 1760." "You make a time machine?" " Can you please explain to him?" " I'm trying hard." "He keeps telling me about buying a slave." "We don't do that!" " It hasn't been done since 1865." " This is a historic site." "Do you understand what that is?" "This is an outdoor museum." "I like you." "Do you like me?" "I'm not sure!" "We're gonna see the milking of a cow now." " This is a man or a woman?" " I don't know." " You don't know?" " I think it's a woman." "It is not so clear." "How do we find out?" " I'll find out." " Find out." "Why do you throw the milk away?" "I think it was given some medicine so it's not fit to drink." "Oh, all right." "I'm not really sure." " What is it?" " A woman." "You think it's a woman?" "It is not so clear." "Do they always have girls like you milking the cows?" " Yes." " Mm-hm." "But why is she wearing clothes like a man?" "Cos they all do when working here." " She is, er..." " No, she's not!" "(# Kazakh disco rock)" " Chinqui." " How are you doing there, Borat?" "Good." " You are a cowboy?" " Yep." " You are a cowboy?" " I'm a cowboy." " High five!" "Down low!" " (Laughs)" "Too slow!" " Swing at the steer." " Wawaweewa!" " Swing in big circles." " Yes." "Like this." "Yes." " Yes." " See?" " Yes." " You got it now?" " Yes." " OK, I'm gonna turn it loose." "Keep it going." " You OK?" " I'm OK." "Then you have to throw it at the steer." "(# Kazakh disco rock)" "How many, er... punch punch you take to a cow before it fall?" "Me, er, is eleven my record." "No, I hit a goat one time." "Never hit a cow." "I once, er, carry a woman against her will for near one mile." " You did?" " Yes." "He carried a woman against her will for one mile." " Really?" " Why did you do that?" " To show her my home." " Oh, OK." "Did she like it when she got there?" " Yes." "She my wife now." " She's your wife now?" "I have a wife." " Oh, that's sweet." " You want to see her picture?" " Yes." " Yes." "(Borat) This is her." "(Woman) Oh, she's pretty." " Yes." " She couldn't come with you?" " Did you know that was in there?" " Yes!" "My wife!" "Is not for lady to see." "That's more of your wife than I wanted to see!" " My wife." " Oh, this is your wife?" "Wow." "Don't be lookin' at all those pictures." "Huh?" "Whoo, geez." "(Borat) Yes." "She is a nice." "Well, she's nice, son." "Yes, she's nice." "Do not show your wife." "Booyakasha, check this out, yo." "I is here with my main woman, Naomi Wolf." "She be well important feminist and has like written nuff books about..." "that kind of stuff." "Do you think that women should have equal rights in the workplace?" "Yeah." "Do you?" "Ain't there the problem that if they get them there then they is gonna start asking for them at home?" "Yeah." "And what's wrong with that?" "Research has shown - this is my favourite statistic - that the most erotic thing a man can do for a woman" " is the dishes, is housework." " The dishes?" " After she's had a child." " I thought it was the figure of eight." " When you..." " Oh!" " Well, that's good before..." " Cos that is what I use, baby." "All right, then, no offence but if you is so equal, how come even the things you claim you is better at men at, like cooking, you know, you ain't?" "Who says women are better cooks?" "All the best chefs in the world is men, like Colonel Sanders," "Ronald McDonald, them is a million times better than Wendy." "Yes, very good question." "I never claimed women are better cooks than men, the great chefs have all been men." "(# Hip hop, scratching)" "# Hear dis!" "# Hear dis, boy!" "#" "Do you reckon now that women has got more job h'opportunities than men?" "No, I do not." "Cos you has got all the lap dancers, all the bitch... the woman in the rap videos, whatever, strippers, you know." "Countries in eastern Europe are collapsing and women like me..." " For real." "...have to sell sex in order to..." " For real." "...look after their children." "But if you did, you would make loads." "I hope you never have to." "Well, thank you for the compliment," "I appreciate that cos I'm almost 40, so that's nice that I could possibly take to the streets." "But let me tell you, honestly, how would you feel if you had to sell sex, your sex?" "What, if people paid me for sex?" " No, honestly." " Wicked, man." " I would be there every day." " Yeah, right." "I would be at the office 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 3-6-9." "Would you call a woman a bitch?" "Would you say "You're my bitch" and expect her to feel respected?" "With me Julie..." "I has got a girlfriend and I do sometimes call her me bitch but, you know, in the bedroom them words come out and she ain't got a problem with it." "Mm-hm, OK." "Um... gee, I'm kind of speechless." "Not a bitch, I is calling her my bitch." "I'm sorry, OK. "My bitch."" "OK." "Um, you know, I guess we're speaking at cross-purposes because I'm so offended by this I can't even tell you." "Yo." "So diggety-check yourself before you wreck yourself because I is here with four people who has all thought about something called religion." "How powerful... is God?" "I think there is a power." "Uh..." "I think most people at some point experience that power, they draw upon something that seems larger than themselves." "Can God do better stuff than David Blaines?" "You're asking God to make square circles." "God can't do impossible things." "There've always been magicians and there always will be and some of them claim to be really producing magic." "So ain't God just like an over-hyped David Blaines?" "No." "And a lot of people would find that suggestion very offensive." "Yo, sorry." "If God has got all these amazing powers, why don't he flex it every day?" "If you has got it, flaunt it." "Me mate Dave's got a nine-incher, he gets it out all the time." "God should be showing his powers." "Let's talk about this man, the main man, the mack daddy of the Christian thing." " What was his name again?" " Jesus Christ." "Why did Jesus go round with all them reindeers?" "I'm not sure I've seen the same images you've seen," "I think you're confusing him with Santa Claus." "So does Jesus really exist?" "Or is it just your father dressed up?" "Yes, Jesus exists as the second person of what we believe to be the Triune God." "Is it true that he was born in a stable?" "It's possible he was born in those kind of simple circumstances," " no room in the inn, that sort of thing." " There was no room in the..." "Well, that's cos it was Christmas, innit?" "(Ali) Let's talk about marriage." "Would you ever marry a Jewish girl?" "I've chosen not to marry." "I've chosen..." " Just to play around?" "...a celibate life." "So how many months has you been celibate?" " 52 years." " So you ain't done it for..." "That's right." "That's right." "And I can tell you, there's more to life than sex." "Would you, as a gesture... of bringing us together, marry her?" "There are other ways of doing that than marriage." "What if she was a bit fitter?" "Would you consider marrying her then?" "I am considering marriage not at all." "People out there see people who is meant to be religious behaving in an unreligious way." "Ain't it hypocriticalist that so many nuns also work part-time as strippers?" "Well, I don't think you can demonstrate that statistically." " Yo..." " That's an absurd statement." "No, it ain't." "I has been at my mate Ricky C's 21 st and there was this nun that came in and ten minutes later she had her babylons out and was whipping shaving cream off his batty." "You said so many nuns work as strippers and then you say this one." "She said her name was Sister Fister." "Was it part of her act or really who she was?" "I would prefer that you move off this topic because I find it offensive." "It's not documented by any evidence." " I has got a video of it." " It's hearsay." "It's hearsay." "Yo, so me just wanna say big up all yourselves, respect." "This has been well interesting." "It's been deep, it's been everything, at times it has been boring." "But that's life, innit?" "And that's deep." "Keep it real." "And you lot out there, listen up to what has been said and think about it for yourself." "'Eagle, you're looking great." "Coming up nine minutes.'" "(# Fast techno)" "Vassup?" "Being gay is the new coolest thing so that's why I've come to the gayest part of America," "Alabama!" "# Go, Alabama!" "# Go!" "Go!" "Go, Alabama!" "All right." "(Jeering)" "(Crowd booing)" "You're embarrassing all 85,000 people here!" "Get off our field!" "I'm just dancing!" "Jetzt bin ich hier..." "What's your name?" " What?" " What's your name?" "Shaud Williams." "Great." "Shite?" "Shaud." " Shaud?" " Shaud Williams." "Shaud." "So Shaudie, what position do you play?" "I play running back." "So what do you say to the people who see you are so powerful in your physique, have powerful thighs and pectoral muscles, and wonder what your Schwanzenstück is like?" "Uh, I don't know." "I've never been put in that situation." "Are you allowed to date other members of the team or do you have to wait till the season is over?" "What?" "No, there's nobody on the team like that." "So you must realise that you have many fans out in Austria." "They just would do anything to spend the night with you." "What do you say to those guys?" "I'm not gay so I'm not gonna spend any night with any guy, so..." "So do you have a message to Austria's gay community?" "Yeah, I'm not gay, so don't come looking for me." "What does freedom mean to you?" "Freedom means being able to do and say what you want without government looking over you, without its hand in your pocket," " the Jewish hand in your pocket." " Yes." "Juden." " Now in Austria, the government is run..." " By Jews." "Freedom in Austria is a lot about being able to walk down the street with my boyfriend, just holding hands without people staring at us." "Is that what you're campaigning for?" "I'm not too hot on your right to hold hands with your boyfriend but what you do in your home, as long as you stay away from my kids," "I have no problem with what you do." "You try to recruit my kids in any way, then you would have a problem with me." "So, Clay, you've got a very manly look." " When did you get to be so cute?" " When I was born." "You are so good-looking and don't you know it?" "I like women." "Thank you, anyway." " So you are bi?" " No, I'm not bi." "And I'm not gay." "And if you're going to speak on that subject, you can take a hike." "You're not my type." "Is it because I'm too fat?" " No." " But is it what I...?" " I've been jetlagged, I look..." " Interview's over." "You wanna be a professional, be one, don't be some fucking fag." "Me has got one other request which me would love you to do." "Me wanna get all, like, respected people to do two lines of a rap." "So I has written something like that." ""Word up, me name be James Lipton..." I spelt it wrong." ""Givin' mad props..." You know mad props is?" "Respect." " Yeah, I know." " "...mad props to Shakespeare." ""Check it, just cos you like acting..." That's to them out there." ""...it don't mean you is a queer."" "No." "I'm gonna do another one." "(Beatboxing)" "# Yo, you out there, now listen to me!" "# Just do like me and my bro the MC" "# Think my friends, consider, reflect" "# Give mad props to the world" "# Translation - respect #" "Ch-ch-chk!" "Fresh!"