"How about some red-hot peanuts?" "Peanuts!" "Get your peanuts here!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Safe!" "Now batting for the Cardinals, number 14, Stanley Boyer!" "Come on!" "We missed four innings." "Well, like I said, I had to stop and do some business." "Here." "Sit down." "Hey, you usher, can I talk to you a second?" "Yes, sir." "Gil, this is Stan." "He´s gonna watch you for a while." "I have some friends I´m meeting." "I´ll be back for the ninth inning." " Have fun, kid." " Get your programs!" " So, Gilly, big baseball fan?" " Kind of." "Dad bring you here a lot?" "Once a year on my birthday." "Then he pays an usher to watch me." "Oh, I see." "You have to understand, my father in his own childhood... was without a positive male influence." "Huh?" "His own father kicked him out when he was 15... so my dad was taught to see child raising as a burden-- a prison rather than a playground." "You understand what I´m saying?" " You don´t talk like a kid." " Well, I´m not really a kid." " You´re not a duck." " l´m remembering when I was a kid." "I´m 35 now." "I have kids of my own." "You don´t really even exist." " You´re an amalgam." " A what?" "A combination of several ushers my dad left me with over the years." " l combined them into one memory." " Why?" "This was a great symbolic moment in my life." "My father dumping me with you." "It´s why I swore things would be different with my kids." "It´s my dream-- strong, happy, confident kids." "That´s great." "You´ve got a lovely family, and I´m a goddamn amalgam!" "Who´s that?" " That´s my wife." " Nice." "Yeah?" "Game´s over, honey." "The St. Louis Cardinals thank you for attending today´s game." "Please drive home safely and soberly." "Let´s go." "Come on, Justin." "Do you want to walk?" "Let´s walk." "It´s fun." "Come on." "Let´s walk." "Sure you don´t want to walk?" "There we go." "I´ll get it." "There´s your pennant." "Watch it!" "Watch the car." "Watch it." "There´s so many cars." "Want me to put you down?" "Where is that kid?" "Where is she?" " Daddy!" " Oh, there she is." "Get in the seat." "Buckle up." " Honey?" "Taylor." " Hey, hey, hey!" "You´re a rat." "When you´re sliding´ into first and you´re feelin´ something burst" "Diarrhea, diarrhea" "When you´re sliding´ into third and you lay a juicy turd" "Diarrhea, diarrhea" "When you´re sliding´ into home and your shorts are full of foam" "When you´re sitting in your Chevy and your shorts are feeling heavy" "Kevin, honey, where did you learn that song?" "Last summer at camp, Mom." "Ah, that was money well spent." "When you´re sliding´ into first and you´re feelin´ something burst" "Diarrhea, diarrhea" "That´s what you´re gonna sleep in?" "You´ll get cold." "Perfect." "Gil, Taylor isn´t feeling well." "She wants you." " lt´s those hot dogs." " l´ll deal with Kevin and Justin." "Hey, what do you say?" "Later when the kids are asleep, I wear this outfit?" "She´s in our bed." "Hi, Daddy." "What´s the matter, honey?" "You don´t feel so good?" " You feel like you want to throw up?" " Okay." "Oh, my God." "Oh, Taylor, baby, sweetie." "Gil, why are you just standing there?" "I´m waiting for her head to spin around." "Oh, can you come with me to see Kevin´s principal on Monday?" "Oh, I love it when you talk to me about school and meetings." " Now talk to me about shopping." " l know. I´m sorry." "I just remembered now." "I´ve been meaning to ask you." "Fine. I´ll be there." "What´s the matter?" "Nothing. I was a little tense before, but" "No, I mean with Kevin." "Why are we going to see his principal?" "Oh, because his teacher said he´s been making that face again." "Oh, what, this?" "Yes, the tense face." "He makes that same face at Little League." " You know what his teacher asked me?" " What?" "If we´d ever taken him for a psychiatric evaluation." " What?" " She was just asking." "Why?" "Because he makes a face?" "Has she ever looked in the mirror?" "Well, you know, the face, the crying, the nervousness." " They mentioned the crying?" " Yeah." "You know, he doesn´t really finish his work." "Hey, we´ll talk to them on Monday." "Don´t worry." "I´m sure he´ll be fine." "Come here." "Where was I?" " Was I here?" " Yeah." " l was there already?" " Mm-hmm." "That really pisses me off." "The kid needs a little more attention... so the teacher´s gonna put a label on him: "problem kid."" "Let´s find out who Kevin´s teacher is gonna be next year... and make sure it´s not one of these hysterics!" "You´re right, Gil." "Kevin´s great." "He can´t be that much of a problem." "Right." "Now, if it was my sister´s kid" "Garry." "There´s a kid with problems." "Hi, Garry." "You´re up so early." "Yeah." " Where are you going?" " Out." " What´s in the bag?" " Nothing." "The whole family´s coming tonight." "There´s a big surprise." "Grandma and Grandpa are gonna be here." "Uncle Gil and Aunt Karen are bringing their kids." "Aunt Susie´s gonna be here and Uncle Nathan and their kids." "It was nice talking to ya." "Julie." " Hey, Julie." " Yeah?" " Can I come in for a minute?" " Yeah." "I really need your help." "The whole family´s coming tonight." " Could you just give me a hand?" " Yeah, in just a few minutes." "Are you all right?" "I heard you moaning last night." "I had a stomachache, but it´s fine now." " You hate me?" " What?" "For making you study so much and giving up all your dates." "No, you were right." "Honey, I´m telling you, those SAT scores are your ticket." "And, sweetie, once you get to school... you´re gonna meet a lot of guys you like just as well as that Tod." "Why do you always say "that Tod"?" "It sounds so" "You´re right. I´m sorry." "It´s been pleasant for a moment." "I´m just gonna give everybody spaghetti and salad... and I better cook a steak for my dad." "See you later, honey." "You okay?" "Man, your mother can talk!" "Gosh, she hates my ass." "And it´s such a cute ass." "Last night she heard the moaning." "She thought it was me." "So you´re gonna have to try and control yourself, Tod." "With you, it´s impossible." "Wait. I brought something." "Ooh, good." "We can record our love." "Susan?" "Hi, sis. lt´s Helen." "Did I loan you my big platter?" "Great." "Would you bring it tonight?" "I just need it to serve." "Listen, Julie got 1291 on her SAT´s." "I know." "I feel so proud of her." "It´s great." "How´s Patty?" "We´re a little disappointed with the effort... she´s been giving lately towards her work." "Math, French, everything´s gone downhill." "Nathan´s talking to her right now." "He´s trying to figure out what´s wrong." "Look, Patty, all I´m saying is... if you want to have just an ordinary academic career... and attend an ordinary university, that´s your prerogative." "But I must tell you, I think you´re selling yourself way short." " How´s it going?" " l don´t know." "Sometimes I feel as though we want it more than she does." "Patty, you know we love you." "Could you just give your father that extra effort he´s looking for?" "Okay, Mama." "That´s all I ask." "Come on, Kevin. I got you." "I want that, Kevin." " Time to come in now, children." " Hi, Grandma." "Hey, you want to" " Grandma." " Gil, you have a good memory." "Was it yours or Helen´s or Susan´s wedding I got drunk at?" "It was all three, Dad." "Congratulations." "At which one did I punch the bandleader?" "That was mine." "We have photos." "I´m having them blown up for the commitment hearings." "You think he´s funny, huh?" "He wasn´t this funny as a kid." "Stayed in his room all day." "You were a moody son of a bitch." "Gee, I wonder why." "Do you remember that little guy who wouldn´t leave my side?" "I know." "Now if I take a step toward him, he takes a step away." "I don´t know what´s happening to him." "He´s just so unhappy, and he won´t talk to me... and I don´t know how to help him." "Did you ever consider having Ed talk to him?" "Are you kidding?" "He won´t even acknowledge he´s got these kids... now that he´s got his new wife and his new kids." "He won´t even fix my kids´ teeth anymore." "He says it makes him uncomfortable." "I wish he´d drop his drill down his pants." "Are you seeing anybody?" "Well, Garry´s biology teacher asked me out." "Biology?" "That´s promising." "Oh, no." "He´s not the type I usually go for." ""The Penal Colony" by Franz Kafka." "Patty a doctor yet?" "Mock if you will." "All right." "Our children are more capable of absorbing information than we are... yet we insist on treating them like adorable little morons." "Are you saying Patty can learn things I can´t learn?" "Patty, which one of these... is the square root of 8,649?" "Ninety-three." "They´re like sponges, Gil, just waiting to absorb." "I want this." "You see?" "Take my advice." "Forget about Kevin and Taylor." "It´s too late." "Work on Justin." "Actually, Justin is quite bright. ln his preschool class, he was the only" "Slow down, Justin." "I´ll get you some dip." "You remember that guy you went out with in college, Jeffrey Sanders?" "He always chased me out of the room when he came over." " Oh, yeah." " l saw him today." " God, what a loser, huh?" " ln a Rolls." "I meant me." "What is that?" "Oh, Nathan and Patty and I are "power eating."" "We bring our own food everywhere." "Nathan turned me on to it, and I never felt better." " Where do you get that stuff?" " This is it." "Everybody in the living room." "This is the big surprise." "Oh, Larry!" "My baby!" " You look great." "Dad!" " Oh, hi, son." "Great to see you!" " Shit." " Well put." "Who´s that?" "That´s my kid brother Larry, your uncle." " Don´t give him any money." " l won´t." "Just a little something for being the best dad in the world." "I found it a couple of months ago." "It´s for your collection." " A toy car!" " Oh, this is great!" "A Stutz!" "Yeah, if you´ve got it, spend it on the people you love." "Right?" " ls this Grandma?" " Yeah, she´s still alive." "Jesus!" "Grandma, you got short." "I´m shrinking." "Bummer!" "Gilbo!" " How long has it been?" "Three years?" " About that." "You stopped wearing your turban." "Yeah." "My God!" "Susan, you look great." "If you weren´t my sister" "I know it´s been hard." "Dad?" "You were supposed to wait outside so I could introduce you." "Well, why don´t you do it now, Larry?" "Everybody... this is my son, Cool." " Did he say "Cool"?" " Cool." " Your son?" " lt´s a long story." "Let´s eat." "Keep Patty away from my brother." "He´ll suck the intelligence out of her." "Cool is adorable." "Why didn´t you ever write us you had a son?" "I didn´t know myself until a couple of months ago." "See... a few years ago I was living in Vegas with this girl." "A showgirl." "She was in that show, "Elvis On Ice."" "Anyway, we drifted apart... as people do in these complicated times... and then a couple of months ago, she shows up with Cool, tells me..." ""You watch him. I shot someone." "I have to leave the country."" "That´s a parent?" "Anyway... we´re back in town because I´ve got something really huge cooking." "Enormous." "Monster." "Dad, this is it." "From now on, I´m gonna be taking care of all of you." "This isn´t another get-rich-quick scheme, is it, Larry?" "What´s wrong with getting rich quick?" "Quick is the best way to get rich." "Look who I´m talking to." "You ever see her family?" "They find a nickel, they huddle together and bury it like squirrels." "What´s the deal, son?" "What do you have going?" "Has anyone heard of hydroponics?" "Well, that´s great!" "Hydroponics is the growing of plants without soil." "What are you using?" "Coarse sand or suspension hydroponics?" "I don´t" "There´s a guy with a lab coat that makes that decision. I make the deal." "And I got to thinking, Cool´s had no kind of life, no family." "So while I´m locking this down, I thought we would stay with you." " With us?" " A couple of weeks." "The thing is, we don´t have the big house anymore, you know." "We just have the one bedroom for us and one for Grandma." "Grandma´s welcome to stay with us for a while." "It´d be valuable for Patty to have a multigenerational influence." "Fine with me." "Well, I´ll have to give you a list of her medications-- and you´ll have to pick up her shower chair." "There´s her hearing aid batteries, magnifying glass for reading." "Oh, geez." " What happened?" " Your mouth used up all the power." "Don´t worry, Dad." "We can still find the bar." " l´ll get a flashlight." " l´ll get it, sis." " Where is it?" "In the bedroom?" " lt´s in the nightstand." "Mom, Dad, what happened?" " You know I don´t like it in the dark." " This is a blackout." "It´s a temporary interruption in the home´s electrical supply." "Something´s busted." "Where´s the switch?" " Bring it here." " Oh, here it is." "What is this?" " Mommy, what was that?" " That was an electric ear cleaner." " lt was kind of big." " lt sure was!" "I don´t think we really have to worry about him." "The point is, once they see us they´ll realize... that we´re fine and the kid is fine." "I think we have to be very careful about Kevin´s educational environment." "Absolutely." "With that in mind, I don´t think Kevin should come back here next fall." "I recommend that he be transferred to a school... that offers special education classes." "You mean, because he´s so smart?" "Well, actually, I mean a class for children with emotional problems." "Hi. I´m sorry I´m late." "You must be the Buckmans." "I´m Dr. Jeffrey Lucas." "Dr. Lucas is a child psychologist." "He´s been observing Kevin for the last couple of months." "Why?" "Mr. Buckman, this is a public school." "Thirty-eight kids to a class." "We estimate that Kevin´s teacher spent at least... 20% of her time dealing with Kevin." "That class is going to finish the year behind. lt isn´t fair." "Kevin is a very sweet, sensitive, extremely tense little boy." "He needs some special attention." " lt´s ´cause he was first." " Hmm?" "It´s because he was our first." "I mean, I think we were very tense when Kevin was little." "If he got a scratch, we were hysterical." "By the third kid, you know, you let them juggle knives." "On the other hand, Kevin may have been like this in the womb." "Recent studies indicate that these things are all chemical." "She smoked grass." " l never smoked when I was pregnant." " ln college, you were like a chimney" "Fifteen years ago." "There could have been some chromosome distortion." "Well, you let them do anything." "You let them watch TV just like that." "So we´ll put the TV´s in the garbage, and we´ll perform Shakespeare" "I´m sorry." "I´m just a little thrown off by this." "You should not look upon Kevin´s going to a special school... as any kind of failure on your part." "No, I´ll blame the dog." "In an educational environment that´s more sensitive to his needs." "First of all, Kevin is not going to a special school." "Whether it´s right or not, there´s a stigma." "Children are cruel." "I won´t subject Kevin to that kind of cruelty." "If we have to, we´ll send him to a private school." "I don´t care what it costs." "I´ll get a second job." "Mr. and Mrs. Buckman, this problem won´t just go away." "If we need to, we´ll send Kevin to a private therapist." "That´s right." "Look, it´s a problem." "We´re aware of it." "But we´re his parents." "We can handle it." "Well, the next school year is four months off... so let´s see what can be accomplished, hmm?" " l need to see." " No, not in the street." "Please." "What is this?" "It´s the party celebrating my mother´s promotion at the bank." "Excuse me." "This is the wrong batch." "This is my mother´s." "There should be another envelope for Buckman." "That was picked up already." "By who?" "I, I, I think this one is my favorite." "This is just-- lt was just for fun, Mom." "Well, I´m glad to know it´s not a job." "It´s that Tod, isn´t it?" "There´s one where you can see his face." "Does it bother you that I did those things or that I did them with Tod?" "Gee whiz, Julie." "There´s so many things that bother me about this... I don´t know how to separate them." "Whoo!" "Here´s something for my wallet." "Tod is very important to me." "And we´ve got the pictures to prove it." " Mom." " This is your room." "You did these things right here in my house?" "Well, I thought someone in this house ought to be having sex." "I mean, with something that doesn´t require batteries." "What did you say to me?" "Goddamn it!" "You get back here!" "Open this door!" "Goddamn it to hell!" "I would just like a little respect!" "Not a lot, just a little!" "Do you know why I´m having sex with machinery?" "Because your father left to have a party and I stayed to raise two kids!" "I have no life!" "Goddamn it!" "What are you doing?" "I´m leaving before we say things we´ll regret." "You´re gonna say something worse than the battery remark?" "Tod and I are in love." "It´s not "going steady" love." "It´s love." "I need him." "He´s my life." "He touches me, and I quiver." "Oh, would you give me just a small break?" "See?" "You can´t handle it." "Tod´s working now." "We´ll find a place to live somewhere." " Hi, Garry." " Hi." " l´m moving out, Garry." " Bye." "You´ve upset your brother!" "Julie, I´m telling you... if you walk out of this house, don´t ever think about coming back." "Fine." "Honey, I´m always here if you need me." "Sweetheart!" "Honey, be careful." "If you want anything, just call me!" "Bye." "Oh, man!" "Incredible!" "Just incredible!" "I knew you´d be the one who´d appreciate this." "Three years, every night, every weekend, I had dinner out here." "Yeah, it was a piece of junk when I found it." "First time I got laid was in a car like this." " Frank?" " What?" "Cool just finished lunch." "I´ll call the newspaper." "I thought you and Larry could take him somewhere." "I am showing Larry my car." "Just plop him in front of the TV." "That´s what he always does." "Wasn´t that Super Bowl incredible right down to the last minute?" "Amazing." "They´re usually not that close." "And usually the winning team covers the point spread." "Usually, you can count on it." " Take a beating?" " No, thanks. I already took one." "Anyway, I had to pay off, and it´s left me a little" " What do you need?" " Huh?" "Aw, come on." "Don´t insult me." "I didn´t come here to be insulted." "Come on." "Puttin´ together a deal, you gotta look like you can piss with the big boys." "You see?" "You know." "How much?" "A couple thousand." "Three, tops." " Three?" " Tops." "Good." "See, Grandma, Patty studies Eastern philosophy." "Our future leaders will have to be much more in tune with the Oriental mind." "Okay, sweetie, one more time." " Nathan, guess what?" " Oh, you´re home early." " l have good news." " What?" "What´s up?" "I´m going to teach summer school." "We´ll have vacation money." "Oh, that´s great." "Mexico." "Gil and Karen will watch Patty." "I just want to call them." "Gee, honey, I´m really not too pro on Patty spending a week with Gil." "Why not?" "I´m a little concerned about his jocularity." "He´s a wonderful guy." "It´s just he´s a little lighthearted... about things that l-- that we consider important." "She has fun over there." "You know, she scampers." "She cavorts." "Hey, try this." "We take Patty with us." "To Mexico?" "It´s a perfect opportunity to start her on Spanish." "It´ll be fun." "Nathan, I thought it would be nice if you and I could be alone." "We will be." "We´ll get two rooms." "Which one will I be in?" "That means "come here" in Spanish." "Please. I want you to listen to something." "I´ve got a tape of a mariachi band." "An authentic indigenous native Mexican form of music." " Gil, good morning." " Hello, Cindy." "When were you gonna tell me?" "Tell you what?" "Lenny called this morning." "He wondered where we should take Phil Richards to celebrate his partnership." "That Lenny is an asshole." "You believe that guy?" "Nobody was supposed to have that information until next month." "That partnership is mine." "You said when Ted got back, you´d make it official." "Look, I never said you didn´t do great work." "You do terrific work." "Every firm does good work." "I know you´re smarter than Phil, but the guy works like a Trojan." "He schmoozes clients." "He brings in business." "He´s here nights, weekends." "I own the guy." "And that´s what puts your name on the door." "This is really coming out of left field." "I´ve been here eight years." "I´m the backbone of the operation." "I know that." "If I don´t get this partnership, I gotta think about going elsewhere." " That´s not realistic." " Why?" "You go somewhere else, you´re gonna have to get in line... behind guys who are younger, who have been there longer... who are more committed and are willing to work for less money." "Look, this thing with Phil is not etched in stone." "I can jerk him along for the next month." "Why don´t you use that time to give us your best shot?" "Put in the hours." "Dazzle me." "Dazzle you?" "Listen, Dave." "I´m having a problem at home." "I really need to spend a lot of extra time with my son." "Then I don´t know what we can do." "Get this guy." "Yeah, yeah." "Oh, well." "They´re bad dudes." "That´s why they call the game "Bad Dudes."" "I should go stay with the girls." "Got enough quarters?" " Dad?" " Yeah?" "How come I´m seeing a psychiatrist?" "We were gonna have a big talk about that." " What´s wrong with me?" " Nothing." " You´re great." " Then how come" "You´re a kid like I was." "You have a lot of worries." "That´s all." "And these doctors are experts at helping people with their worries." "It´s nothing to feel bad about." "You´re a great kid, and I love you very much, okay?" "Hey, you know what I think?" "This is gonna be a great summer for you." "And don´t forget you got a birthday coming up." "Let´s have a great party." "Can we have Cowboy Dan?" " Who?" " Cowboy Dan." "The gun-fighting balloon man." "He was at Billy´s party." "He´s cool." "Absolutely." "It´s a done deal." "This is your dad talking." "Now you´ve got me excited." "Now, what do we say when we see a cute eight-year-old girl?" "Hubba-hubba." "Don´t tell your mom I taught you that." "It could be bad." "Let´s go." "Wow!" " You like it?" " Yeah." " lt´s good. lt´s shiny." " Yeah." "And you know, it was junk when I found it." "The first time I got laid was in a car" "That´s a story for another time." "Hi, Dad." "Dinner ready?" "What was that?" "Huh?" "Oh, some friends who were just dropping me off." "Friends?" "Friends slow down." "They even stop." "Sweetie, you´re gonna be okay." "Honey, why would you be panhandling?" "I needed money for a place to stay." "You have a place to stay." "I´d have to tell you what happened." " What did happen?" " l don´t want to tell you." " Did you leave that Tod?" " Yes." "He promised me he was gonna start a house-painting business." "Then he said he changed his mind." "He´s gonna race dragsters with his brothers." "He can´t even drive a regular car." "So his brothers came over, and we got in a fight." "He said, "No bitch is gonna tell me what to do for a living."" "He told me he loved me." "Sweetie." "They say that... and then they come." "Honey, what can you expect from a kid like that?" "Mom, back off." "The last guy you dated stole our furniture." " Men are scum." " l know." "I know, sweetie." "Men are scum." " Honey, Julie´s home." " Great." "Come on." "Let´s go eat lots of ice cream." "You want an ice-cream soda?" "How about a hot fudge sundae?" "You want a banana split?" "Do you want something like french fries?" " Yes." " You do?" "I thought I´d find you here." "Does that make you Sherlock Holmes?" "I live here." "You live with me." "I wouldn´t live with you... if the world were flooded with piss and you lived in a tree." "I´m going to the movies." "You´re not leaving here till you hear what I have to say." "I´m not-- Let go of me!" " Let her go!" " Just listen to me." "Let her go!" "Goddamn it!" "Let her go!" "Please, Mrs. Buckman." "I love her." "You can´t run out on me." "You´re my wife." "If you don´t let her go, I´m gonna call the" " His what?" "His wife." "We got married a couple of days ago." "Are you out of your mind?" "Please, Mrs. Buckman." "Julie, I didn´t mean it." "I´m sorry." "My brothers were ragging on me, and I couldn´t back down." "But last night, I told them." "They mean nothing." "You mean everything." "Christ!" "Okay, look lively." "You´re doing great." "Shortstop, here it goes." "All right, pick it up." "Easy now, over to first." "That´s the way to play." "That´s right." "You´re beautiful." "You´re a bunch of wild, young Bohemians." "Let´s go again." "Second base, here we go." "Get down on it." "Don´t be afraid." "It can´t hurt you." "Here we go." "Get down on it!" "Wayne, get Ben some ice." "All right, we´re gonna need a new second base man." "Which one of you outfielders wants to try second base?" "How about you, Kevin?" "You want to try second base?" "All right!" "Oh, Matt, none of that." "Let´s be a team." "Get out there and hustle." "Remember, the word is "fun."" "So just go on out there... and what you catch you catch and what you miss you miss." "Okay, Dad." "Way to go, Kevin!" "And now it is my great pleasure to introduce our valedictorian..." "Kevin Buckman." "Thank you." "When I was nine years old, I had kind of a rough time." "A lot of people thought I was pretty mixed up." "But there was one person who got me through it." "He did everything right." "And thanks to him, today... I´m the happiest, most confident... and most well-adjusted person in this world." "Dad, I love you." "You´re the greatest." "All right!" "One more out, guys!" "Let´s go!" "is your arm tired, Shaun?" "Hey, Gil, our boys finally gonna win one game?" "Way to be supportive, Lou." "That´s right, Kevin!" "Way to go, Tommy!" "All right!" "We got bases loaded." "We´re only one run down." "You can do it." "Get up there." "Please, God, let ´em win one game." "Got it!" "You stink, Buckman!" " He had no business being out there!" " What´s the matter with you?" "It´s terrible!" "Why´d you make me play second base?" "Someone´s climbed to the roof of the bell tower with a rifle!" "It´s Kevin Buckman." "His father totally screwed him up." "What´s he yelling?" "You made me play second base!" "Kevin, I´m sorry." "I did the best I could." "Nice shot, son." "It´s important to be supportive." "Come on." "Let´s sing one of the old tunes." "When you´re sliding into home and your pants are full of foam" "Diarrhea" "Well?" "Why are you pouring water through my diaphragm?" "To check." "To see if it´s okay." "You didn´t know I did that, huh?" "Obviously not, or you wouldn´t have tried this." "Are you accusing me of making that hole?" "No, a woodpecker came in here, went into the bathroom... opened the drawer with his wing and pecked holes in your diaphragm." "I can´t believe you would jeopardize our plan." "Remember what we read?" "A majority of exceptional people are either only children... or firstborns with five years between sibs." " We agreed" " No, you agreed." "And they´re not sibs." "They´re babies, and I want another one." "So this is how you go about it?" "By vandalizing your contraception?" " Because you won´t discuss it!" " We discussed this years ago!" "I think we were wrong." "I think we were right, and I´m not discussing it again." " Tod?" " Yeah?" " Do you want me to make breakfast?" " No, thanks, Helen." " Julie´s gonna do it." " l´ll get the fire extinguisher." "I´ll see you guys at dinner." "Sweet Jesus!" "What are you doing?" "Are you joining the Marines?" "I knew you´d make a thing out of this, Mom." "Just clean up the hair." "You ready?" "Want anything to eat?" "How long are they gonna be living here?" "Not much longer, I think." "I was just thinking." "It´s getting pretty crowded here." "It´s not so crowded." "There´s a lot more room since they shaved their heads." "I was just thinking... maybe I could stay with Dad for a while." "What?" "I´ve been here a long time." "Maybe I should live with him for a while." "You wanna live with your father?" "Kind of." "Have you talked to your father about that?" "No." "Not yet. I thought I´d call him." "Honey... you don´t know your father like I do." "I don´t know him at all." "What´s his number?" "He´d be at work now." "So that´s... 2-0-6... 5-7-9-0." "is Dr. Lampkin there?" "His son." "No, Dad, it´s not Joey." "It´s Garry, your other son." "I need to ask you something." "It´ll just take a second." "Would it be okay if I stay with you for a while?" "A few months." "Shit." "He didn´t think it was such a good idea." " Sweetie-- - l´ve gotta go." "When´s Cowboy Dan, the gun-fighting balloon man, gonna be here?" "Isn´t that him?" "That´s the schmuck who brought the horse." " l don´t think he´s coming." " Of course, he is." "He´s a professional." "You think he wants to put a blot on the entire balloon-bending profession?" "Go on and have fun." "We´ll have burgers and dogs in a second." "Let´s go watch the horse shit." "Why don´t you play with Justin?" "I don´t understand what he´s doing." "He´s spinning." "What for?" "No reason." "Just for fun." "Doesn´t look like fun." "It isn´t." "You tried it?" "So does Julie have a nice place?" "Yeah, she has a lovely place." "She has my place." "She and that Tod are both living in my house." "Really?" "Actually, it was my idea." "Otherwise, she was gonna quit school and get a job." "Maybe this way she´ll still go to college." "Here we go." "The thumb trick." "Ready?" "Here´s my thumb." "Watch it." " What are you doing?" " The thumb trick." "Show her, Dad." "Okay, but this is the last time." "Here we go." "Ready?" "I mean, Justin is gonna go full-time next year... so everybody´s askin´ when I´m gonna go back to work like I´m supposed to." "And I´m thinkin´ about it." "I mean, I used to work. lt was okay." "But I think I´m better at this." "I think I´m sort of good at it, so" "But then people make me feel embarrassed like I don´t have goals or something." "Like I sit around here eating bonbons all day, right?" "Oh, I don´t know." "What does Gil say?" "He says I should do whatever I want." "I could have killed him for that." "What are you so upset about?" "Nathan, she´s weird." "She´s a weird child." "I think a few days a week of preschool could be very helpful." "This is not the right age for Patty to be socially activated." "She´s not a bomb." "She´s a little kid who has no ability to relate to other kids." "You want her to relate to him?" "Help, help, help!" "When I met him, I was a little wild." "I was a little out of control." "He kind of took me in hand." "I liked that." "He´s very commanding." "He got me into teaching." "He got my shit together." "Boy, he really turned me on." "Really?" "I mean, of course, really." "Nathan and I used to be hot." "I know he doesn´t look it, but we were like rabbits." "I used to give him, you know... oral, you know, on the highway." "What?" "He was always trying to get a research grant." "And you thought that would help?" "No, but, I mean, he kept getting turned down." "He´d get real, real tense." "So if I saw him getting really tense, I´d just... lean over while he was driving and I´d" "I just spoke to your mother." "Grandmother wants to stay at Helen´s for a while." " Can you drive her there tomorrow?" " Sure." "He likes to butt things with his head." "How proud you must be." "Here it is." "Now it´s right there in front of you." "Be careful." "Here." "Take this off." "Now really try and hit it." "Really give it a good shot." "Give it a good whack!" "Put your shoulder into it and whack it." "Now just kill it." "Kill it!" "When I was born, Grover Cleveland was president." "I´m sorry I´m late." "Where should I do it?" "Who are you, and what are you going to do?" "I´m from Party Time Entertainment." "I´m your stripper." "What´s the birthday boy´s name, because I paint it across my breasts?" "It was a mix-up. I got Cowboy Dan´s card, and he got mine. I´m sorry." "Wait a minute." "What about Cowboy Dan?" "He is coming?" "He showed up at the Lodge Hall, and they were expecting me." "They beat him severely, so Cowboy Dan ain´t coming." "Cowboy Dan´s not coming?" " Hold it together." " l knew it." "I told you." "All the kids are gonna hate me." "It´s gonna be just like Little League." " Cowboy Dan is coming." " Gil?" "He´s coming!" "Cowboy Dan is coming!" "Howdy, partner." "You´re Kevin´s father." "You´re not Cowboy Dan." "That´s right." "They call me Cowboy Gil... as in guilty." "I saw Cowboy Dan." "I didn´t like the look on his face." "It was like this, so I killed him." "I blew a hole in him this big." "Actually it was about this big." "You know, when I think about it, that hole was about this big." "And his guts were spilled out all over the floor." "As I was walkin´ away, I slip around on his guts." "A couple of other people came by and started slipping´ on his guts too." "After I blow a hole in somebody and slip around on their guts... afterwards, I always like to make balloon animals." "That´s mighty courteous of you." "Here we go!" " What´s he doing?" " l don´t know." "Your lower intestines." "Why, you little lily-livered" "Where´s Cowboy Gil?" "Ambush, ya little four-footers!" "And here it is." "It´s made with a quart of milk, two cups of sugar and three cow pies." "Will you get down off the horse before you hurt yourself?" "Honey, I gotta make a big exit." "That´s Cowboy Gil´s woman." "Take a bow, little lady." "I sure hope that when I mosey back this way one day... you don´t mind if I stop in and say hello." "I gotta mosey on back to Abilene." "Keep your powder and your pants dry." "Kevin, I hope this is the best danged birthday you ever had." "Adios, buckaroos!" "Don´t try and follow me to Abilene." " Good night, sweetheart." " Good night, Mom." "Did you have a nice birthday?" " Dad was funny." " He sure was." "Well, good night, nine-year-old boy." "Happy birthday, kiddo." " Dad?" " Yeah?" "When I grow up, can I work where you work?" "Why?" "That way we can still see each other every day." "Good night. I love you." "I love you too." " Mom?" " What?" "Hubba-hubba." " Let me outta here!" " Hello, Helen?" "The door was unlocked." "Oh, my God." " What channel is this?" " No, Gran, this is a tape." "She needs a man." "Now." "This isn´t mine." "I don´t watch this." "What´s everybody doing in here?" "Did you break my lock?" "Susie, Gran, would you please go to my room?" "Sure." "One of those men reminded me of your grandpa." "God bless him." " Listen." " How could you break my lock?" "I came in here because I was afraid you were on drugs." "Why would you think that?" "Because of what you did to your father´s office." "What do you mean?" "He found your hammer." "Those were your initials burned into the handle." " Someone must have taken it." " Just don´t" "Honey, all these feelings" "You´re right to have all these feelings." "You´re a great kid, honey." "You just got a lousy dad." "You´ve just got to learn to say, "The hell with him."" "Actually, that´s good advice for both of us." "The hell with him!" "I don´t know what to say about the tapes." "I assume you´re watching these... because you´re curious about sex... you know, or filmmaking." "is there anything you´d like to ask?" "Who?" "Me." "No, I don´t blame you." "What about Uncle Gil?" "He´s busy with his own kids." "Where´s my wife?" "School." "She´s at cheerleading practice." "Bitchin´." "So what´s up?" "Would you like to speak to Tod?" "Can I speak frankly?" "No holds barred?" "Please." "That is one messed-up little dude." "Sure we can talk straight?" "A few months ago, Garry got his first boner." "You know what that is?" "If memory serves." "Great." "Anyway, since then he´s been" "Slappin´ the salami." "No offense." "Apparently he´s goin´ for a world record." "Chicken´s burnin´." "Damn!" "That looked good too." "Anyway, he was afraid there was something wrong with him." "Like he was a pervert or something." "I told him that´s what little dudes do." "I mean, we´ve all done it." "That made him happy." " Garry was happy?" " Yeah." "He even smiled." "I never even knew he had teeth." "I guess a boy Garry´s age really needs a man around." "Yeah, well-- lt depends on the man." "I had a man around." "He used to wake me up in the morning by flicking lit cigarettes at my head." ""Hey, asshole, get up and make me breakfast."" "You know, Miss Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog or drive a car." "Hell, you need a license to catch a fish." "But they´ll let any butt-reamin´ asshole be your father." "Well, I´m gonna pick up Julie." "They´re hassling her about her hair." "She does look kind of stupid." "I don´t know what we were thinkin´ about." "Thanks." "Kevin wants to go." "How´d you go through those quarters so fast?" " Another kid took Kevin´s money." " Shut up!" " What kid?" " Never mind." "Can we just go?" " lt was that kid!" " Never mind!" "That kid?" "That kid´s not bigger than you." "Go back and get your money." "Dad, let me handle it, okay?" "You want me to help you get your money back?" "Can we just go?" "I wanna go!" " Okay." " Okay?" "That´s a little kid!" " Justin can beat up that kid." " Will you just shut up?" " What´s the matter?" " l lost my retainer." "Where?" "It´s okay." " l put my retainer on the table!" " Just relax." "It´s okay, honey." "It´s his retainer." "He lost his retainer." "It´s all right, sweetheart." "We´ll find it." "Oh, God!" " Here." "Let me." " Where are the kids?" "Your folks are driving them home." "They´ll wait with them at our house." "That´s just what Kevin needs." "Time alone with my dad." "Let´s just go." "They´re $200. lf you dropped $200 in here, you´d look, right?" "Let´s face it." "He´s getting worse." "He has his good days, and he has his bad days." "Why is he so high-strung?" "He´s like a poodle." "Everything´s blown out of proportion." "Where does he get this obsessive behavior?" "I wish I knew." "They´re gonna put him in Special Ed." "What´d you think?" "That you´d dress up like a cowboy and coach Little League... and Kevin would be fine?" "I mean, no, I didn´t." "Yeah, yeah, okay, I did." "Well, honey, you were really kidding´ yourself." "You know, when your kid is born, it can still be perfect." "You haven´t made any mistakes yet." "And then they grow up to be like... like me." "I´m gonna be home late tomorrow." "How come?" "I´m attempting to dazzle Dave." "I´m trying to put together a major income property thing... for one of our bigger clients." "Has Dave said anything?" "Thursday, when I left for Little League, he said..." ""Let´s all thank Gil for stopping by."" " l didn´t take it as a good sign." " Let´s just wait and see." "Worrying isn´t gonna help." "God, I´m so tense." "You´re tense right now, honey?" "My back is tense." "My neck is tense." "My ears are tense." "It´s like they´re hot or something." "Maybe I could do something to help you relax." " l doubt it, honey." " l´d like to try." "I am so sorry." "It´s all right, honey. it was my fault." "You just kind of took me by surprise." "So, how´d this happen?" "Show him, honey." "It´s awfully late, Frank." "We need to get Cool right to bed." "He´ll be all right." "Hi, Dad." "Take the boy inside." "I couldn´t resist." "I had to take it out for a spin." "Purrs like a kitten." "You´re probably wondering why I took it out without telling you." "I wanted to have it appraised so you´d know how much it was worth." "Only they can´t appraise it unless they have all the paperwork." "The registration, the proof of purchase." "You got those things around?" "I´m not a schmuck!" "You were going to sell my car." " Dad!" " Don´t bullshit me anymore!" "It belittles us both!" "I want you out of the house." "They´re gonna kill me." " Bookies?" " Friggin´ basketball." "I had a lock." "This miserable son-of-a-bitch rookie... throws in a goddamn 50-footer at the buzzer." "It was a nightmare." "It was like he reached into my chest and ripped out my" "Shut up!" "How much do you owe?" "The truth now!" " $26,000." " Jesus!" "Dad, I´m never gambling again. I swear to God." "But these guys mean business." "What about that 3,000 i gave you?" "I took it to the track." "I wanted to run it up so I wouldn´t have to hit you for the whole amount." "What is the matter with you?" "You´re not a kid anymore!" "You´re not stupid." "Dad, I can´t get a break." "I have been so close so many times, I could touch it." "Did you ever think about getting a job?" "Oh, great." "Oh, that is just great now." "What did you always tell me, huh?" ""Make your mark." "Don´t be one of the numbers."" "You misunderstood me." "You weren´t listening." "If I called you up to tell you, "Hey, Dad, I´m the new assistant... sub-vice president of pencil sharpening at some crappy little company"... you´re telling me you´d think that was great?" "I am better than that!" "I am not Gil!" "Look... I´ve made some mistakes." "I have to learn from them." "They´re gonna kill me, Dad, with pain." "I´m your son." "Hydrogen." "Helium." "Carbon." "Excuse me, honey?" "I don´t mean to interrupt, but I´ve made up some new cards." "Really?" "Well, that´s great, Mommy." "I´m so glad you´re back with the program." "Let´s do your cards." "Why don´t l show them to you first and make sure they´re appropriate?" "Sweetheart, Mommy and Daddy will be back in two minutes." " How many seconds is that?" " 120." ""This is..."" "the only way... I can get... your attention."" "Honey, this is really basic stuff." "She´s way beyond this." ""l´m leaving you."" "You´re leaving me?" ""Yes."" "Well, thank you." "I really had a great time." "It´s been years since anybody´s taken me to a carnival." "You thought that was a carnival?" "That was my parents´ house." "You know, you´re pretty funny for a biology teacher." "Thank you." "Would you like to come in?" " Sure." " Good." " Hi, guys." " Hey, Mrs. B!" "Hi, Mom." "Hi, Mr. Bowman." "Knee drop!" "That´s a nice knee drop, honey." "Want some coffee?" " l´d love some." " The kitchen´s right there." " Can I ask you something?" " Sure." "How come you finally decided to go out with me?" "My grandmother told me to." "Not really." "She´s been staying with us." "It´s a little crowded, so tomorrow I´m taking her over to my brother Gil´s." "Hi, Julie. I would like to introduce you to Mr. Bowman." "What´s up?" "Did you get the Twinkies?" "I found this in the trunk of your car." " You´re racing again, aren´t you?" " Yeah." "So what?" "So you promised, that´s what!" " l changed my mind." " You changed your mind?" " Yeah!" "I changed my mind!" " What about house painting?" " l gave it up." " You gave it up?" "That was your future." "Well" "Dave and Rod kinda took all the equipment and split." "I don´t know where they are." "I told you not to trust those guys." "Didn´t l tell you?" "I´m not as smart as you are, okay?" "I didn´t get 13,000 on my SAT´s, okay?" " l´m stupid, okay?" " Okay!" " Julie" " Butt out!" " Maybe I should leave." " No!" "Maybe I should leave." "What do you mean, "maybe"?" "What is it with the women in this family?" "They make all the men in this family wanna leave!" "If he thinks I´m having his baby now, he´s crazy." " Baby?" " Your daughter´s having a baby?" "A baby?" "You´re gonna be a grandma?" "I´m too young." "Grandmothers are old." "They bake, and they sew and they tell you stories about the Depression." "I was at Woodstock, for Christ´s sake!" "I peed in a field!" "I´ve hung onto the Who´s helicopter as it flew away." "I was at Woodstock." "Oh, yeah?" "I thought you looked familiar." "I´ve spoken with Ted and Dan and... we have decided to make Phil Richards a partner." "Holy shit!" " l know you´re upset" " Upset?" "Haven´t you seen the deals I´ve been putting together?" "I have been killing myself." "I mean, aren´t you dazzled?" "You still don´t get it, do ya?" "Phil has just brought in three brand-new, multimillion-dollar clients." "He has spent the last month wining and dining these guys, gettin´ ´em laid." "He doesn´t tell me about problems with his kids." "I´m not even sure if he has kids." "If this man´s dick fell off, he would still show up to work." "He is an animal." "That´s what dazzles, not the work." "You can´t do what he does." "Ya hate that shit." " Now, Phil Richards-- - l quit!" " Oh, Gil." " Forget it." "Phil brought you some big clients." "You´re happy." "I´m just gonna call my clients, give ´em the news, and I´m outta here." "Friday´s my last day." "Don´t make me a party." "Hey, this is not a playground, okay?" "Dad!" "Not now!" "Not now!" "Knock it off!" "God, I can´t believe they did this." "The other kids got picked up, and ours are watching a tape." "Helen just dropped your grandma off." "Let´s talk." "I quit my job." "Why?" "They gave the partnership to Phil Richards." "This is a guy who leaves his wife and kids... then puts his money in his girlfriend´s name to get out of paying child support." "I mean, the guy is" "Anyway, I couldn´t stand it." "I snapped." "Can you still change your mind?" "What do you mean, change my mind?" "I quit." "Did you say anything that would make it difficult for them to take you back?" "Jesus, honey, I was hoping you´d be a little more supportive." "I´m pregnant." "Since when?" "Since I am." "I´m due in February." "I didn´t want to say anything until I was sure." " How did this happen?" " lt was an accident." "Anyhow, this is why I´m saying maybe... now this isn´t the best time for you to be out of work or starting a new job." "If you´d told me there was a chance of this happening, I might not have quit." "You never told me there was a chance you might quit." " lt was a spur-of-the-moment decision." " Pretty big one." "Are you saying I should crawl back, kiss Dave´s feet and get my crappy job back?" "I quit." "If I go back now, they´ve got me." "I´m a eunuch." "This puts a minor crimp in my life too." "I was thinking about starting back to work in the fall." "Now I can´t." "That´s the difference between men and women." "Women have choices." "Men have responsibilities." "Oh, really?" "Okay, well, then, I choose for you to have the baby." "That´s my choice." "You have the baby." "You get fat." "You breast-feed until your nipples are sore. I´ll go back to work." "Let´s return from la-la land, because that ain´t gonna happen." "Whether I crawl back to Dave or get another job... it´s obvious now I´m gonna have to spend less time at home." "I´m gonna have to have business dinners." "I´m gonna have to play racquetball." "I´m gonna have to get guys laid." "I hope you don´t mind if I bring home a few prostitutes... because that´s what it takes to get anywhere, and I´m not getting anywhere." "Whatever happens, you have to count on less help from me." "Why don´t you just say what you´re really thinking?" "What am I thinking?" "That I should have an abortion?" "I didn´t say that." "That´s a decision every woman has to make on her own." "Are you running for Congress?" "Don´t give me that. I want your opinion about what we should do." "Let´s pretend it´s your decision, okay?" "Pretend you´re a caveman or your father." "What do you want me to do?" "I want... I want whatever you want." "I wanna have the baby." "Well, great!" "Let´s have it then." "Let´s see how I can screw the fourth one up." "Let´s have five." "Let´s have six!" "Let´s have a dozen and pretend they´re doughnuts." "I´m really happy about the way things are turning out, aren´t you?" "With your frame of mind, not only am I not sure we should have another baby... I´m not sure we should keep the three we´ve got." "I´m ready to discuss it." "However, I can´t right now." "I gotta go to the goddamn Little League." "Ten little boys are waiting for me to guide them into last place." "You really have to go?" "My whole life is "have to."" " Come on, Kevin." "Get your glove." " You said I don´t have to play anymore." "I know what I said, but now I´m changing my mind." "If I have to go, you have to go." "Move it." "Kevin, this one´s for you." "Get behind the ball." "It´s easier to come in." "Hi, Dad." "What are you doing here?" "Karen said you were here." "Can I speak to you a second?" "Wayne, can you take over a second?" "What´s up?" "I need your advice." "Wait a second." "My head is spinning." "Come on." "Larry needs $26,000, or gamblers are gonna kill him." "Jesus!" "I´m supposed to decide whether to give it to him." "And you want my advice?" "Why me?" "Why now?" "Because I know you think I was a shitty father." "Thank you for not arguing." "And I know you´re a good father, so tell me, what would you do?" " You got that kind of money?" " l got it. lt´s gonna hurt." "I wanted to retire next year." "This will put that off for a while." "A long while." "I never should have had four." "You know, when you were two years old, we thought you had polio." "You know about that?" "Yeah, Mom once said something." "Yeah, well, for a week we didn´t know." "I hated you for that." " What?" " l did." "I did. I hated having to go through that... caring, the worrying, the pain." "That´s not for me." "You know, it´s not like that all ends... when you´re 18 or 21 or 41 or 61." "It never, never ends." "It´s like your Aunt Edna´s ass. lt goes on forever and is just as frightening." " That´s true." " There is no end zone." "You never cross the goal line, spike the ball and do your touchdown dance." "Never." "I´m 64." "Larry´s 27." "And he´s still my son." "Like Kevin is your son." "You think I want him to get hurt?" "He´s my son." "Come on." "I´m all right." "I´ll figure it out." "Who´s to say who´s the shitty father?" "Kevin´s in therapy." "We got called to school last year because Taylor was kissing all the boys." "Justin keeps ramming things with his head." "My career is in the shithouse." "You worry too much." "You always did." "Okay, let´s go." "Let´s get ´em." "Let´s get this one." "Come on." "You can do it." "We only need one more out!" "Can´t you even field a ground ball?" "Matt, I´m not gonna warn ya again." "One more comment, and you´re outta there." "What are you yellin´ at him for?" "He´s the only player you got." "Matt, we need one more out, son." "Wherever it´s hit, you go for it." "It´s the only chance you have to win." "All right, come on, now!" "Don´t blow it!" "All right, no big deal." "No big deal." "One more out." "Just relax." "Relax and concentrate." "Let´s go!" "Oh, shit!" "Get it, Matt!" "He´s out!" "I´m gonna help you." "Now, we see these gangsters." "We agree to pay them a thousand dollars a month." "They´re businessmen." "They´ll see that something is better than nothing." "Then Monday morning, 8:00 a.m.... you come to work with me at my place." "I´m going to teach you the business." "Plumbing supplies." "In a few years, I´ll retire, and you´ll take over." "Meanwhile, as long as you´re working... and if you agree to go to Gamblers Anonymous, I´ll keep paying your debt." "That´s it." "Let me just add a wrinkle." "About an hour ago, I got a phone call from an associate in Chile." "Big opportunity." "Platinum." "Why don´t l just toddle off down there for a few months, see if it pans out?" "If it does, great." "If not... we put the Frank Buckman plan into effect." "Sound good?" "Sure." "Great." " l could use a little" " Two thousand enough?" "Ample." "Ample." "Well, better pack." " What about Cool?" " What?" "Oh, Jesus, that´s a tough one." "This is not really the kind of trip that" "Listen, how about if" "Don´t worry about it." " My dad´s going away." " Yes." "He´s leaving right away." "is he ever coming back?" "Would you like to stay here with us?" "Yeah." "Good." " Good morning, Mrs. Haffner." " Hi, Michelle." " Susan, I need to talk to you." " Not now, Nathan. I have a class." "I want you to come home." "This is very bad for Patty." "She can´t concentrate." " l gotta go." " Wait." "Listen to me." "It´s bad for me too." "I love you, Susan." "Those are words." "They don´t solve anything." "I can compromise." "I can change." "I don´t think you´re capable of change." "We´re way behind because of yesterday´s bomb threat, so let´s get going." "Why do birds suddenly appear" "Every time you are near" "Just like me They long to be" "Close to you" "Nathan, please." "I´ll lose my job." "Why do stars twinkle in the sky" "Every time you walk by" "Just like me They long to be" "Close to you" "We´re trying so hard to keep these kids off drugs." "On the day that you were born the angels got together" "And decided to create a dream come true" "This was the song from our wedding." "So they sprinkled moondust in your hair" "And golden sunlight in your eyes so blue lt´s a wedding kind of a song." "That is why All the guys in town" "Follow you all around" "Just like me" "They long to be" "Close to you" "You´re crazy." "Susan, I love you." "Please, come home." "How´s it look?" "Lookin´ hot." "Lookin´ damn hot." "Mom!" "Hurry." "He´s over there." "He´s gonna kill himself." " Julie, I´m not his mother." " Please, Mommy, please. I´m so scared." " Now I´m "Mommy."" " He´s trying to prove something." "Oh, God, he´s already going." "In eight seconds he´s gonna be a legend." " My God!" " Come on!" "Back up." "Give him some room." "Did I win?" " l´m all right." " We´ll get you to first aid, make sure." "My brother´s car." "I killed the car." "Julie, come on." "Let´s go." " l can´t." " What?" "I can´t." "This is too intense." "This is" "This is marriage." "Now, let´s get in the truck." "Come on!" "Let´s go!" "Can you do that again next week?" "The crowd loved it." "Yeah, sure." "That´s a good job for me." "Crash dummy." " Stop that." "You´re very important." " Why?" "Why?" "Because you´re gonna be the father of my grandchild." "That´s why." " l love you." " l love you too." "I was so scared." "You, like, saved their marriage." "That was really cool." "Yeah, well, I give ´em six months." "Four, if she cooks." "You don´t think they´re gonna make it?" "Well, you know, honey, the odds aren´t good." "Then why´d you say all that?" "Why did you try to keep them together?" "Because Julie wants Tod." "Whatever you guys want, I want to get for you." "That´s the best I can do." "I´m glad you´re going out with Mr. Bowman." " Yeah?" "Why?" " Well, he´s funny." "And he´s the kind of guy that´d be nice to you." "Somebody should be nice to you." "I tell you, kid, I could stand that." " Can we tape over Susan´s wedding?" " No!" " What are we supposed to tape over?" " Mom, my ears are loose." "I´ll fix them." "Your pants are backwards." "Go upstairs and turn them around." "Tell Grandma we´re leaving." "She´s still playing Nintendo." " You know your lines?" " l don´t have any lines. I´m Dopey." "I´ll say." "Kevin, take Justin outside and put him in his car seat." "I have to do everything." "Come on, shrimp." "And I´m the one in therapy." "I´m not a shrimp." "I love you." "I love you too." "No, I mean, I really love you." "I love you too." "Dave called." "He was crying." "He actually cried." "If I come back, they´ll give me a corner office with new furniture and a raise." "Like that´s supposed to make up for everything." "Anyway, I took the job." "I couldn´t think." "I was still high from the Little League game." "Isn´t that demented?" "That a grown man´s happiness... depends on whether a nine-year-old catches a pop-up?" " What if he missed?" " But he didn´t." " But he could have." " But he didn´t, Gil." "You threw him 12 million pop-ups in the backyard." "You cut the odds considerably." "If you hadn´t" "But there´s three of them, and you want to have four." "And the fourth one could be Larry." "They´re gonna do a lot of things." "Baseball´s the least of it." "And in all those things, sometimes they´re gonna miss." " Sometimes they won´t." " Sometimes they will." "What do you want?" "Guarantees?" "These are kids, not appliances." " Life is messy." " l hate messy." "It´s so messy!" "You know, when I was 19, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster." "Up, down, up, down." " Oh, what a ride." " What a great story." "I always wanted to go again." "It was just interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened... so scared, so sick, so excited... and so thrilled all together." "Some didn´t like it." "They went on the merry-go-round." "That just goes around." "Nothing." "I like the roller coaster." "You get more out of it." "Well, I´ll be seeing you in the car." "She´s a very smart lady." "Come on, Taylor." "Your ears are ready." "A minute ago I was confused about life." "Then Grandma came in with her wonderful and effecting roller coaster story." "Now everything is great again." "I happen to like the roller coaster, okay?" "As far as I´m concerned, your grandmother is brilliant." "Come on, Taylor." "Hurry up." "If she´s so brilliant, how come she´s sitting in our neighbor´s car?" " lt´s good to be home." " lt sure is!" "Somebody stole our dishes!" "They´re not stolen." "They´re put away." "They´re not stolen!" "They´re not stolen." "They´re put away." "They´re not stolen!" "They´re put away!" " What was that?" " lt came from the bedroom." " lt sounds like a monster." " Someone should see what it is." " Not me!" " Let Dopey do it." "They´re hurting my sister!" "He´s going." "Get him." "Get him." "Get away from my sister!" "Stop!" "Come back here." "Come back here, little one." "He´s ruining the whole play!" "I think that´s the Buckmans´ kid." "That´s great!" "You´re doin´ great." "One more push, and the baby will be here." "Bear down." "Push." "We´re almost there, Mom." "Come on." "Push." "That´s it." "Great." "You´re doin´ great." " You´re doin´ fine." " Here we go now." " l can see the head." " Push." "Here comes the baby." "Good." "Here it is. lt´s a girl!" "Good!" "Congratulations, Mom." "You´d better get out in the lobby, Dad." "You´ve got about 100 relatives in there." "Well?" "It´s a girl." "Helen´s fine."