"(Owl hoots)" "WOMAN:" "Who's there?" "I know you're out there!" "I see you!" "(Rapid footsteps)" "(Whimpers) What was that?" "(Whimpers)" "What you do is, you get a plank and some bits of string, and then you tie the string to the plank, and you just kind of walk it through the wheat," " flattening it all as you go." " Gosh." "Really?" "Only the other end of the plank is tied to another bit of string, which is tied to a peg or something, so you just go round in a big circle." "Hey presto, there's your basic crop circle." " Oh." "And is it a circle, Mrs Merrick?" " It's vandalism, is what it is." "Yes, but is it vandalism in the form of a circle?" "I can't tell, Mr Kingdom." "I can't seem to get high enough." "Ah." "Well, therein, you see, lies the fatal flaw of our anonymous artist's masterpiece." " Sorry?" " We're in Norfolk, the flattest place in Britain." "A place where wearing high heels gives an uncomfortable sensation of vertigo." "How on earth is one supposed to admire this wonderful crop circle without at least a hill from which to see it?" "Good point well made." "LYLE:" "Hey!" "You there!" "Hang on a minute!" "These circles are the talk of the town, Mr Kingdom." "What do you reckon?" "Kids having a laugh or er... you know?" "Er..." "What do you mean, Terry?" "You know, higher forces." "Well, it's rather hard for us to tell, cos we haven't had a chance to look at them properly." "Oh, well, no problem there. (Chuckles)" "PETER:" "Really?" "That's very kind of you." "In the basket, Lyle." "Actually, I think I'll just..." "You know, heights." " Oh, come on, Lyle." "It'll be fun." " Um..." "LYLE:" "No, no, honestly, Peter... (Petra gurgles)" "Call me on my mobile if you need anything." " Ignore those boxes, Lyle's having a clear-out." " Fine." "Any idea where Peter keeps his pub quiz questions?" " Beatrice!" " Spoilsport." "OK, anything else?" "Just this." "It came this morning." "BEATRICE:" "Is that written in crayon?" " It might be." ""Dear Mr Kingdom, we want a..." What's that say?" " Lawyer." " "...we want a lawyer to stop the council."" "You can't say fairer than that, can you?" " Do you smell something?" " Something like what?" "Wee?" "(Sniffs)" "Phwar!" "Well, I'm off." "Good luck." "See you next week." "TERRY:" "They're amazing!" " Really quite pretty, aren't they?" "It's really no different from being up on a Ferris wheel or on scaffolding." "Stop it!" "I can see everything I need to from right here, thank you." "Oh, Lyle!" "Every metre of wheat flattened is a metre I can't harvest, when things are bloody tight as they are!" "I can't afford this just so some kids can draw graffiti on my land!" " Oh!" " That's not graffiti, that's science." "You don't understand what you're seeing, do you?" "Never again." "Never again!" "I like it that Norfolk's flat." "Flat is good." "That is a lot of brandy." "(Gulps) Ooh!" "That was quite a lot of balloon." "I think perhaps on balance it would be better if I looked after Mrs Merrick's vandalism case." "Beatrice, do we have anything for Lyle?" "Something more down to earth." "I do have something down to earth, yes." ""We want a laser to stop the councel."" "Yes, I suppose that would work, but I think you'll find it says "lawyer"." "Mm." "It smells funny." "Who's it from?" "Well, I think judging by the er... purple crayon and distinct tang of incontinent dog, that that would be from the Doddses." "You'll like the Doddses." "(Church bell chimes)" "(Dogs bark)" " Whoa!" "(Barking continues)" "Get off my property!" "Get off my land or I'll set my dogs on you, you hear me?" "No, no, no, no!" "Who the bloody hell are you, anyway?" "I'm the..." "I'm the Lyle!" "I'm..." "I'm the lawyer!" "(Barking continues)" "You...you wrote to us." "In er... in purple." "(Sniffs)" "Young man, you been drinking?" "Er..." "Ha-ha!" "That's a start!" "(Dogs pant)" " Let me liven that up for you." " Oh, no, thank you." " No, thank you." "Oh!" " Oh, sorry." " There we are. (Chuckles)" " OK." "Good." " What actually seems to be the problem?" " They want us out." "They say we have to move." " The council?" " Yes." "Some bint come with a letter." " And do you have the letter?" " No." "Shirley ate it." "Oh, not her!" "Shirley." "Oh, I see." "And do they have reasonable complaint?" "I mean, are you behind on your rent or anything?" "We don't pay rent, Mr Anderson." "We own this house." "Bought it off them 12 year ago." "(Hums)" "It's awfully good of you to cover for Gloria." "Nonsense." "She needs time with her father." "Family's important." "Where's the baby?" "PETER:" "There you are!" "Peter, I don't know how you work in all this chaos." "Don't look at me!" "It's Lyle." "I think he's trying to make a point, or something." "Oh!" "She says she's going to harvest it, Mr Kingdom!" "Cut it all down before they can draw any more patterns in it." "You've got to stop her!" "That's a part of a hypercube." "That is a four-dimensional shape that can't exist in our universe." "You see, crop circles is lads with boards having a laugh." " But this is something different." " But I don't understand what you want me to do." "I want to file a claim that those fields are a site of special scientific interest, and I want you to get a restraining order to stop Geraldine from cutting them down." "I'm sorry, Terry, they'll never designate a site of special scientific interest if it's a manmade phenomenon." " But what if it's not manmade?" " Oh, Terry, be serious." "Mr Kingdom, the universe is infinite, and in an infinite universe anything at all is possible." "How can you stand there, one tiny man on one tiny planet..." "He's not that tiny." "...one tiny planet, and tell me that anything at all is not possible?" "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." "It's Terry, Mr Kingdom." "Yes." "Terry." "Um..." "listen, there's nothing I can do." "I tell you what, I'll see you at the next pub quiz, all right?" "(Door closes)" "Oh, dear God, I know that look." "You're starting to believe him, aren't you?" "No, of course not, but... well, you have to admit, it's... it's very unusual." " No-one believes me." "No-one listens." " We've got another red one from the electric." "Dad, look, we need to do something about this." "It was due a month ago." " Where's the first one?" " That's not important." "This is important." "Mr Kingdom says he can't do anything to stop her, that it's impossible." "But would that stop the Doctor?" "I don't think so." "(Tutting)" "Er... sorry," "I was looking for um... for Mr Decker's office." "Mr Decker assigned his case to me, Mr Anderson." "I'm Emily Cartwright." "(Chair clunks)" "Mr and Mrs Dodds, retired, infirm, some question as to their mental capacity, repeated warnings from the Environmental Health offi... cer... (Chair clunks) ...who apparently was threatened with being fed to the dogs." "This is an open-and-shut case, Mr Anderson." "It's for their own good." " Well..." "(Chair clunks)" "Um..." "Have you been drinking?" "(Comedy show on radio)" "WOMAN:" "It's still rubbish!" "You can take it back." "And while you're at it, take back that... (lnterference on radio)" "ROBOTIC VOICE:" "Solar orbiter three, we have your position." "We are locked on." "Respond." "Oh, my goodness, you're back." "Yes, I'm here." "I'm listening." "Arrival is imminent at Tminus three planetary rotations and counting." "You must prepare." "Tell me what to do." "I think I'll have a ginger beer, please, Ted." "Look at that, boys." "The Three Marketeers to the very end." "Ah, this one's ours for the taking." "Oh, look out, lads, it's the opposition." "Think they're coming for you!" "Beam us up, Terry." "You just wait." "I know things you don't." "This isn't a joke." "This is real." "Nanu-nanu." "(Laughter)" "Was that about the crop circles in Geraldine's fields, then?" "Yes." " I heard one of 'em's a hypercube." " Whatever that is." "That's a four-dimensional object, Mr Kingdom." "You know, one that can't exist in our universe." "(Birdsong)" "(Doorbell rings)" "Miss Dodds?" "I'm Lyle Anderson." "I'm here about your parents." "(Rattling)" "So you've been to visit them?" " Yes." " Good." "Well, then, you've seen it, haven't you?" "The state they're in!" "Mess everywhere, dogs, filth." "Fleas!" "Apparently, they got themselves some half-wit, 12-year-old lawyer to defend them." "I try to reason with them, but they won't listen." "They're mentally ill." "So for their own good, you need to get them into care" " so they can be looked after properly." " Miss Dodds..." "You have to move fast because this cheap-rate lawyer's already sticking his nose in." " So best you get a move on." " Miss Dodds, I'm not from the council." " Then who are you?" " I represent your parents." "I'm the... cheap-rate lawyer." " But they like living there!" " And pigs like living in shit!" "It doesn't mean it's right." "Mr Anderson, you still think you're on the right track with this case?" "Miss Cartwright, yes, actually." "Only you seem to be in a minority of one." "Well, better to be in a minority of one than to be... er to be..." "Well, perhaps you could fax that witty rejoinder through when it's ready." "(Door closes)" " Er..." "It's complicated stuff." "That's like someone's writing in dimensional mathematics using a whole new language." " I'll get my books." " You have books?" "Sorry, that didn't sound right." "Um..." "I mean... you have specific books?" "Yeah, for my degree." "Physics and Philosophy." "I still like to keep abreast of the literature, keep my hand in, so to speak." "(Strikes notes on xylophone)" "(Strikes notes)" "GERALDINE:" "This way." "Over here." "Oh, yes!" "Oh, yes!" "You can't hide anything from me, Peter Kingdom." "(Chuckles)" "Oh, good." "You've found them." "Thank you." "Now, ask me where I'm going later tonight." "Where are you going later tonight?" "I'm glad you asked me, Beatrice." "I'm going on a kind of stakeout with DC Yelland and Geraldine Merrick." "We're gonna find out who the author of these crop circles really is." "Right, well, speaking of rabid lunacy, Ted stopped by." "He's worked out some of the crop patterns and they are four-dimensional space-time locuses." "Well!" "Gosh." "Yeah, that's what I said." "And he left you some diagrams on a beer mat." " Is Lyle back yet?" " Yes, he is, but you're to be careful." "The girl from the council broke his mechanism, or something." "(Knock on door)" "Um..." "I must say, Lyle, you could think about having a little bit of an old tidy-up." "It's becoming a health hazard in here." "She can't argue diminished capacity because they have been self-sufficient for 12 years." "Without that argument, there's no grounds for a care order or compulsory purchase." "Right?" " Right." " It doesn't matter how much you dress it up with" ""You seem to be in a minority of one." Being clever doesn't mean you're right." " Certainly not." " Being a good lawyer isn't about make-up and shiny hair, and that." "Being pretty isn't the same as the truth, is it?" " Gosh, no." " If you've got great lips in the first place, why put anything on them?" "It's ridiculous." "And if she knew how ridiculous it made her look, then she'd be in a minority of one." "Yeah." "Believe you me." "Well, I'm..." "I'm glad we had this little chat." "Right." "(Music plays on radio)" "(lnterference on radio)" "(Music resumes)" "(Wind chimes jingle)" "ROBOTIC VOICE:" "Oh, no, that tickles." "So the school are gonna suspend me some time this week." "I haven't done my coursework." "And if it's not in by Friday, I can't sit my exam." "Is that all right with you, Dad?" " Then you should do it, really." " Yeah, I really should, shouldn't I?" "(Cackles)" "Is everything all right?" "Mr Kingdom." "It's Dan." "He's behind at school again." "Terry..." "Terry, we have to talk about these crop circles." "You see, those are Geraldine's fields, her crops." "And when that property's damaged, even if that damage is well-intentioned, it's still trespass." "Still criminal damage." "You don't think I did them, do you?" "(Chuckles) Well, I didn't." "I couldn't." "It's the work of a higher intelligence, Mr Kingdom, and that's not me." "Look, the point is, every time I go to the farm, there you are." "Not because I'm doing them." "I have to be there." "This is the most important thing that's ever happened to me." "I've been contacted." "Contacted?" "By... them." " Through the radio." " Really?" "(Whirring)" " Now are you sure he said radio?" " Madam?" "Because it's traditional for your real whack-job to be contacted through the toaster." "Beatrice, he is not a mentalist whack-job." "I should have thought you, of all people, would be more sensitive." "Excuse me?" "What do you mean by me of all people?" "Nothing." "I just..." "Nothing." "There is a difference, Peter, between originality of spirit and communicating with aliens through your appliances." "Could you do my coconuts, please?" " Da Vinci!" " No." " Gloucester Old Spot." " No." " Wayne Rooney." " No." " Germaine Greer." " No!" " Shakespeare." " No." " Prozac." " No, no, no!" "Sir Charles Babbage." "Yes, it is Charles Babbage, but as I pointed out to you before, Ted, you are not allowed to join in." " Ted, keep out of it!" " Ted!" "(Groaning)" "Right, well, that brings us to the end of Round No Six, Please, We're British." "It looks like in the lead, which is..." "Oh, it's tied between The Three Marketeers and The Hula Honeys." "And trailing behind a little, Terry  The Time Lords." "(Cheering)" "Lo-ser!" "Lo-ser!" "Let's..." "let's just keep it friendly, shall we?" " Sorry, Mr Kingdom." " Right." "The next round, you might be able to catch up here, is Round Blake's 7," " which is a science fiction...round." " Oh, you've got to be kidding!" " I can't believe you didn't find the answers." " Ssh!" "It's an odd number so it's a buzzer round." "Question one." " The American state of Wyoming..." "(Toot)" "Location of the Devil's Tower, the flat-top mountain featured in the 1977 blockbuster," "Close Encounters of the Third Kind, directed by Steven Spielberg." "Well, I've got Close Encounters written down here, so that is five points." " Yay!" " Ha-ha-ha!" " Where's Petra?" " Home." "She's amazing." "Amuses herself, the little angel." "Now, the 1970s science fiction series..." " (Crying) LYLE:" "Petra!" "Petra!" "What's this?" "What is it?" "(Cries)" "Er..." "Um..." "Oh." "Aha!" "Look." "Hello!" "Hello!" "Ping!" "Um..." "Give us a smile." "(Petra continues crying)" "(Sobs)" "(Giggles)" "And so the finals will see The Three Marketeers facing off against a late comeback from Terry  The Time Lords." "So, congratulations to all concerned." "Did you get my beer mat out?" "Yes, I did, but I must confess I haven't had a chance to study it properly." "They're space-time locuses, Mr Kingdom." "They're set to collapse if the pattern's not finished yet." "Now you mind how you go out there." "Right." "(Owl hoots)" "When we spot him, are you going to put on your blues and twos then?" "This is an unmarked police vehicle, Mrs Merrick." "Oh." "Right." "POLICE RADIO:" "Tango Delta from Control, what's your position?" "Over." "Control, this is Tango Delta." "We're currently holding our position at the property perimeter." "Over." "RADIO:" "Um..." "Who is that?" "Mike, we're in a field, OK?" "The moment we stop being in a field, you'll be the first to know." "RADIO:" "Right you are, boss." "I expect the important thing when you're on the trail of crime is to get inside their head, know what they're thinking before they think it." "That's what I'm doing." "And what do you imagine the crop-circler is thinking?" "He's thinking..." ""I want to make more crop circles."" "Right." "ROBOTIC VOICE:" "Solar orbiter three." "Solar orbiter three." "Mr Kingdom... there's something in the wheat." "ROBOTIC VOICE:" "Prepare for our arrival." "Two planetary rotations and counting." "Wh... what on earth is that?" " Be ready." "We are coming." " It's getting closer." "All right, that's enough." "PETER:" "Is that... is that... is that who I think it is?" "Bloody hell!" "Hello!" "I come in peace." "Would you like a jelly baby, huh?" "Well, turns out there was a visitor from a distant place after all." "Yeah. (Sniffs) Well, Manchester." "Yeah, apparently, everyone on Norfolk Tardis has been making quite a song and dance about these crop circles." " Norfolk Tardis?" " NorfolkTardis." "Net." "Terry Alton's website." "Are you telling me that other people, people like Terry, know about this?" "(Chuckles in agreement)" "(Wind chimes jingle)" "You are not the chosen one." "Ha-ha-ha-ha!" "Oh, hello, Mr Kingdom." "Hello, Dan." "Is your father in?" "I think he's down the farm, with all the, you know, the headcases." "Oh." "OK." "Thank you." "Actually, can I speak to you for a minute?" "So, this is your room, is it?" " I must say, it's jolly neat." " It's the only room not covered in sci-fi crap." "I wouldn't have put it quite like that, but er... he certainly is an enthusiast, your father, isn't he?" "I'm worried about him." "He's started hearing voices." " Sometimes they tell him to do stuff." " What sort of stuff?" "Like two weeks ago, I found him out in the street, standing on one leg." ""They'd" told him to." "Maybe he's really losing it this time." "Are you saying these voices make him do silly things?" " When did this start?" " Six weeks ago." "(Lively chatter)" " I see the aliens have landed." " This is no laughing matter." "Oi!" "You!" "Stop!" "No aliens in the barley!" " Quite a lot of interest all of a sudden." " Well, this is important, Mr Kingdom." "Maybe not to you or other people round here, but to those of us who understand these things." "I hear that Market Shipborough's all the talk of..." "NorfolkTardis." "Net these days." "Who told you that?" "Oh, you know, I get to hear things, too." "And talking of hearing things, Terry, have you... heard anything lately, over the radio?" "You heard it too?" "Terry, I'd like you to do something for me." "Next time they start to er... contact you, call me." "Straight away." "I'm here about yesterday." "Oh, you've got your spontaneous witty comeback ready at last." "No, but I know what's going on." "Oh, you do?" "Yes." "It was their daughter who asked the council to get involved in the first place." " And don't even bother to deny it." " All right." "Because you can't deny it, because I was there." " I'm really not denying it." " So you admit it, then?" "Mr Anderson, of course I admit it." "It's not a conspiracy." "Miss Dodds asked us to help because she was concerned about her parents." "And after looking into the matter, frankly so are we." "What exactly is your point?" "You've met her." "She's awful." "She's got... kitten plates and little china shepherdesses." "Well, that's really not our problem." " All right..." "(Chair clunks) ...then I shall see you in court." " Good day, Miss Cartwright." " Mr Anderson." "(Door closes)" "I just wanted to let you know that I... won't be pressing any charges against that nutter in the scarf." " You won't?" " No." "Harmless enough, I reckon." "And what about these other people who've been trampling on your livelihood?" "Oh, well, you know, fair's fair." "I suppose it won't hurt to hold the harvest off for a while, let them have their fun." "Geraldine, how much are these Doctor Who people paying you?" "A tenner a tent, and rambling rates, and fresh milk and water." "And I've rigged showers in the pig stall." "I like to think of it as harvesting nuts instead of wheat." " I hear she's leaving 'em be." " Yes." "Very public-spirited of her." "At least maybe the code will get finished and we can find out what it's all about." "I say, it all smells very good, doesn't it?" "How about a spot of lunch?" "I think I've earned it." "I think I'll have a sausage in a bun." " Um..." "What's in these omelettes?" " Mushroom." " You in?" " Yes." "Yes, I think I'll have one." "Thank you very much." "Now, as things stand, your daughter thinks you need help, and the council think you need help." "Our only hope is to convince a judge you are rational, reasonable people who can look after yourselves." " Bring it on!" "(Dog whimpers)" " Oh, now..." " Hm?" "Trousers." "Ooh!" "Oops!" "(Door opens)" "Ooh!" " How did your alien hunting go, then?" " Hm?" "Did you get to the bottom of the voices in the toaster?" "There are no toasters in my bottom, thank you very m..." "What is she doing?" "She's a baby, Peter." "That's what babies do." "No, no, not that, the thing with the colours." "I don't like it." " I don't like it!" " Are you feeling all right?" "Well, to tell you the truth, I'm a bit um... wobbly." " Wobbly?" " I'm... divided into two pieces, you see." "Only um... sort of in... at an angle." "Right." "Beatrice, Beatrice, Beatrice... don't take this as criticism, but could you please ask her to stick to one colour?" " (Gasps and whimpers)" " Peter." "(Laughs raucously)" "Shit." "Shit!" "Do that again!" " What's in there?" " Lunch." "Which you no doubt got from some tree-hugging science fiction freak." " Magic mushrooms." " Quite big ones, too." " (Sobs)" " He's tripping his tits off!" "I am so not!" "This is hopeless." "This is hopeless!" "Who's gonna be in charge?" "Who's gonna run the office?" "Afternoon, people." "We are locked, cocked, and ready to rock." "I'm baked." "(Groans)" "Ooh!" "Oh, my head!" "(Groans)" "Here." "Try this." "Better?" "I was right!" "There is a second date in there!" "That's today!" " Today?" " Yeah." "We'd better get going, hadn't we?" "PETER:" "Good lord!" "Are those cufflinks, by any chance?" "I don't know." "Are they?" "Or are you still hallucinating?" "(Chuckles sarcastically)" "I let you out of my sight for one minute." "And while we're on the subject of my wardrobe, any chance I could get an office that's bigger than one?" "I am a qualified solicitor." "How am I supposed to entertain counsel in my shoebox of a chambers?" " Chambers are for barristers." " Oh, whatever." "I have a court appointment in half an hour, then we'll see who's wearing the lip gloss." "So to speak." "Who are you?" "And what have you done with Lyle?" "So I don't think it should be an issue, really." "I don't think there'll be any..." "It's gotta be down here somewhere." "LYLE:" "Mr and Mrs Dodds!" "This is the courtroom right here." "If you'd like to follow me." " It's these two... these two seats." " Oh, right." "Thank you." " You're not gonna call on them." " Why not?" "Look at them." "Any judge in his right mind would have them committed to care at once." "Met Judge Harrison yet, have you?" "No, I'm not wearing the bloody thing!" "It's itchy and it makes my head hot!" "No!" " I'm a bloody judge, I'll do what I bloody like!" " Yes, sir." "Now what's this all about?" "I want my lunch." "What on earth is going on?" "DC YELLAND:" "Terry's boy." "What are you doing?" "DC Yelland!" "Get off me!" "Get off!" "Which is why we feel a compulsory purchase would be in the best interests of Mr and Mrs Dodds." "Mr Anderson?" "Keep it short, it's lunch time, for God's sake." "Certainly, Your Honour." "Miss Dodds, just one thing." "If the council were to compel the compulsory purchase against your parents' home, forcing them into care, the dogs would go to a shelter and the purchase price would become your inheritance." "Correct?" "Not at all." "They've left it all to their dogs." "That's what I'm saying." "They're mentally not right anymore." "Is that true?" "You've left all your worldly goods..." "to your pets?" "MR DODDS:" "True enough." "Well, how else are they gonna be cared for?" "Well, there's 15 of 'em." "It's a lot of cash year on year with food, and vets'bills, and the like." "We couldn't leave 'em to a shelter." "Well, they'd have 'em put down." "So Miss Dodds knew of your decision to cut her out of your wills in favour of your dogs?" "Oh, yeah." "And it was Miss Dodds who instigated these proceedings to have you committed to care and your property seized." "Miss Cartwright?" "Er..." "Well, that's correct." "Nothing further, Your Honour." "JUDGE:" "I see." "I see." "(Sighs)" "Now look here, young lady." "I don't have dogs, because they're a God-almighty bloody nuisance." "But if you were my daughter," "I'd get dogs just so I could cut you out of my will in their favour." "Do you see?" "Motion for compulsory purchase... denied." " Let's all get out of here." "CLERK:" "All rise." "M, E, double R, I, C, K." "He's a nutter." "Just like his father." "I'll be pressing charges, believe me." "Lots of charges." "I don't think so." " I'm sorry?" " Well, perhaps he had good cause to be angry." "I hear there's a brand-new crop circle in your fields, very big, very impressive." " So?" " Only it's not quite like the other ones." " It's a little different in style, shall we say." " What does that matter?" "So long as the paying customers are entertained?" " I don't know what you're suggesting." " I think he's suggesting that you put it there to keep the Doctor Who nuts interested." "And that it'd be a shame if we told them and they all pushed off before you got a chance to fleece them some more." "So why don't you drop these silly assault charges and go home?" "Sorry, Peter." "I do get bored easy." "This isn't nice cop, attention-deficit cop." "But what he says is... broadly correct." " I'm sorry about wrecking the place." " You shouldn't have done that." "But I can understand why you did." "I mean all that work, and Geraldine just... scribbles over it." "They're a message, aren't they?" "Something to do with the past and the future?" "Ted worked it out." "It's eight years to the day... that your mum..." "She used to keep his feet on the ground." " You know?" " Mm." "And when she died, he just sort of..." "slipped away." "We never talk about what happened." "What does the message mean, Dan?" " Change it back." " But you can't change the past, can you?" "Dad's always saying in an infinite universe everything's possible." "There was this physics coursework at school, and I was looking up at the sky, stars and planets, and that, and that's when I thought:" "What if he's right?" "About there being more in heaven and earth than you can ever imagine." "And that's when I knew I had to try." "So I borrowed a golf cart and I just... drew it." "And did you work out the patterns yourself?" "Well, yeah." "I thought aliens probably can't speak our language, but numbers are built into the universe." "It was a stupid idea." "No, no." "No, it wasn't so stupid." "Well, nobody's pressing any charges, so er..." "let's get you out of here, shall we?" "There's still the mystery of voices from the ether telling Terry to stand on one leg." " Clever aliens with a bad sense of humour?" " Exactly." " Really?" " Well, think it out from first principles." "Who stands to gain from Terry looking foolish?" " He looks pretty foolish without any help." " Come on, be kind." "He's only..." "Ha!" "Of course!" " When did I start my magnificent pub quiz?" " About six weeks ago." "(Mobile rings)" " And..." "Peter Kingdom." "Oh, hello, Terry." "They're back, are they?" "Thank you." "I think it's time we met the aliens." "Sorry to disturb you, but is Liam in?" "He's in the shed." "Solar orbiter three." "Solar orbiter three." "Prepare yourself for our arrival." "The time is almost here." "ROBOTIC VOICE:" "Are you ready, men of the blue planet?" "What should I do?" "How should I prepare?" "Be aware of your planetary rotations." "You must attend our arrival." "After 21 divisions of that rotation, proceed along to the... (Clatter)" " What the hell?" " Shut the mike off." "Shut it!" "Hello?" "Are you still there?" "It was just a prank." "I hardly think that toying with a man's mental wellbeing constitutes a prank, Liam!" "You know as well as I do that Terry isn't as robust as some people." "This kind of stupid nonsense could..." "could tip him right over the edge." "He could be in the church tower with a copy of Catcher in the Rye" " and a sniper rifle before you know it." " Thank you, Lyle." " It was just a bit of fun." " Oh, really?" "What about these planetary rotations of the 21 divisions?" "What's that?" "Tomorrow night, 9pm." "Quiz Night finals." "When Terry, if you had your way, would be where exactly?" "I'm still waiting." "Standing in the middle of a field, waiting for the Time Lords." "I could disqualify you here and now for guerrilla tactics and psychological warfare." " Oh, come on, Mr Kingdom!" " No!" "You should be ashamed of yourselves!" "It stops right now." "Do you understand?" "It absolutely stops right now!" "(Honks)" " Oh, and on the hooter, the winners of the Market Shipborough Grand Pub Quiz Final are Terry  The Time Lords!" "(Cheering)" "Terry, congratulations." "It is astonishingly beautiful, isn't it?" "Vast, I mean." "How far can I see when I look up there?" "Right to the beginning of time." "I can't believe you made a hypercube." " An actual hypercube!" " Look, I'm glad you like it, but... sometimes I could do with someone to talk to, you know?" "About stuff." "About Mum." "We never talk about it." "Not ever." "I'm sorry, Dan." "You know, in families, it's... it's not always about..." "everything working perfectly." "Sometimes... sometimes it's enough just to try your best." "That's it." "Midnight." "Nothing happened." "Well, but... you have changed the future." "I took the liberty of sending in your coursework." "Your physics teacher's been making some phone calls, and shown your project to some university lecturers." "And they're very impressed." "Bloody hell!" "It's going to need a degree of commitment from both of you." "Dan, that means school work not crop circles." "And, Terry, if he's to do this, he needs a father whose head isn't always on another planet." "I promise." "Well, then when you're done with school," "I reckon there isn't a university in the land that wouldn't be pleased to have you." "I'm so proud of you." "So, what's the difference between Ursa Major and Ursa Minor?" "Did the aliens probe you, then?" "No." "Thankfully, E.T. Went home." "Gloria will be coming today." "Yes, yes." "Soon you can have everything back nice and anal again." "Well, you did a really good job." "Really good." "Thank you." "Lyle!" "I'm sorry to disturb you." "Is Mr Anderson available?" "He is indeed." "Actually, I think it would be much better if you waited for him in his room." " Miss Cartwright!" " This is impressive." "I'd expected to find you in some dingy little cubby-hole." "Well, I..." "Thank you for agreeing to see me at such short notice." "It's not a problem." "I just need your signature on these, and then the council case is officially closed." "Of course, yes." "S-sorry." " Thank you." " No problem." "Of course now that that's done, we're no longer opposing counsels." "Oh." "We... have no responsibility to our clients beyond this point." "Indeed... not." "We are... as it were... free agents." " Miss Cartwright..." " Emily." " Emily." " Lyle." " Oh." " Peter..."