"Now little Ed, mommy and auntie Roseanne" "Are going to play bingo." "Becky and Darlene will be looking after you." "Darlene, remember what to do if the baby starts spitting up?" "Yeah." "I give him to Becky." "Oh, I'm making a horrible mistake." "Crystal, we'll be fine." "O.k. I left two bottles in the fridge." "And we heat them first." "Don't heat them in the microwave" "'Cause I heard it's dangerous for the baby." "Only if the baby's still hanging on to it." "And--and be careful of his soft spot." "He's got a soft spot here." "We better not find anything stuck in that head that's not supposed to be there when we get back." "Don't worry." "Ooh, yes, yes." "Darlene, you help your sister out, or she's going to keep all the money." "O.k. I feed, you wipe." "You got the numbers to the bingo hall and the doctor's service." "Call if you have any questions." "O.k., bye, honey." "We won't be gone too long." "Everything's going to be all right." "Come on, Crystal, don't you think it's time you cut the cord already?" "It's important to talk to your children, Roseanne." "They are people, you know." "Where do you come up with this stuff?" "N-41." "N-41." "B-11." "B-11." "Oh, man." "Are you sure we're old enough to get in here?" "This looks like where people go when they can't play shuffleboard no more." "Ah, you just wait." "Bingo can be real exciting." "N-34." "N-34." "You're messing with us, right?" "They got naked male strippers behind the door over there." "Oh, come on, Roseanne." "Let's give it a chance." "Thank you." "Maybe they got cake." "It so happens I know a woman who won $75 here the other night." "Oh, really?" "Did she retire or keep going to work every day just like nothing happened?" "G-50." "G-50." "Boy, I bet this guy does a mean I-22." "Shh." "O.k., what's the deal?" "Cards are $2.00 apiece." "6 Cards minimum." "You're kidding me?" "12 Bucks?" "What a racket." "Roseanne, please, they know me here." "Oh." "Sorry, sister." "We could've gone to a movie for 5 bucks." "Well, it's for charity." "The money goes to needy families." "Oh, o.k." "Well, then I guess we get reimbursed." "New game." "Straight bingo." "$35 Jackpot." "I-17." "Excuse me." "That's too close." "Too close to what?" "My area." "Don't you see?" "I'm all set up here." "Sorry!" "What's this for?" "Aah!" "Don't you touch this." "Don't touch anything of mine." "You'll jinx me." "Are you a good witch or a bad witch?" "I won 200 bucks over at the methodist place last friday, so shut up!" "I-17." "Bingo!" "I hate new people." "I hear you." "B-5." "Oh, darn." "You know what your problem is?" "You only got $2,000 worth of cards there." "I think you need more." "I think maybe you need to go find another seat." "I can't." "I think I'm falling in love with you." "N-32." "N-32." "Coffee." "Ooh, Crystal, you woke me up." "Oh, god, I am so bored." "You know, I think I'm starting to miss my husband." "Hey, I vote we don't let Crystal pick what we do on our nights out anymore." "I'm sorry you're all having such a terrible time." "Oh, Crystal, it's really not that bad." "Oh, yeah, we're just whining and moaning to keep from passing out." "B-14." "Roseanne, if you're not enjoying yourself, you're free to go whenever you like." "No, I can't." "You're my ride." "You never complain when Bonnie or Anne Marie pick what we do, but when it's my turn, you jump all over me." "I'm getting a brownie." "Whoa, what's with her?" "Apparently, your friends don't like you very much either." "I'm telling you there's something wrong." "Well, change his diaper again." "I just changed it." "Maybe you did it wrong." "Maybe you gave my little baby a wedgie." "That's not it." "Does his color look right to you?" "I don't know." "What color was he when he got here?" "What are you doing?" "I'm trying to calm him down." "Well, does this calm you down, you moron?" "Well, gee, I'm sorry, Becky." "What would you like me to do?" "I don't know." "I'm going to call Crystal." "Oh, grow up." "What's going on?" "The baby won't stop crying, and he cheesed my shirt." "We tried everything." "Just relax." "I've changed him a hundred times, and I feed him every 15 minutes." "Now you know why you had to change him so much." "He might be warm." "Should we take him to the hospital?" "Let the old doctor take a look here." "[Sniffing]" "You cutting a tooth there, little Ed?" "Yeah, he's teething, that's all." "D.J., see if there's any frozen waffles in the freezer." "O.k." "Crystal's list didn't say anything about frozen waffles." "That's because she doesn't know the secret." "There you go." "Chew on this for a while, little Ed." "Yeah, it's going to make those gums feel better." "Mmm..." "Ugh." "He's slobbering." "That's why I use a waffle" "It's got all those built-in drool cups." "You don't need a bib." "Oh, gross." "I can't watch this." "You don't listen to them, little Ed." "You go ahead and dribble." "You're a Conner man." "N-39." "N-39." "Got it." "Got it." "Got it." "Ooh, got it." "O-75." "O-75." "Yep." "Now we're cookin'." "Now we're movin'." "Now we're" "I don't suppose we could do this in silence." "O great spirit of bingo," "I've given you my first-born child." "Now you must give me my number!" "N-44." "Ha ha ha ha." "N-44." "Roseanne, pull back, baby." "Oh, I'm just having some fun with Endora here." "Give me that." "Give me that!" "I cannot believe the phone at your house is still busy, Roseanne." "Oh, Crystal, don't worry." "Everything's fine." "Either the girls are on the phone with their friends," "Or, you know, they're holding for 911." "I don't find that funny." "Oh, lighten up, Crystal." "He's fine." "He's 9 months old, Roseanne." "I worry about him." "That's what good mothers do." "If you're such a good mother, then why did you leave him with my kids?" "B-10." "B-10." "Roseanne, you been marking my cards?" "Well, I thought, you know," "Anne Marie was doing it." "She asked you to do it." "Did you get anything?" "Well, yeah." "Look at the board." "B-14." "B-14." "I only asked you" "Bingo!" "I got bingo!" "I got bingo!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "All right, everyone hold your cards until we verify the bingo." "Ha!" "Where are you going?" "I'm changing my seat." "Wait." "I think you're good luck for me." "I'm coming with you." "Get away from me!" "I can't stand you!" "We have a bingo!" "Here's your voucher." "All right." "You collect your money on the way out." "The cashier's at the door." "Great!" "50 Bucks!" "Happy bingo dance." "O.k., I'm beat." "I'm leaving." "Me, too." "No!" "Roseanne, I don't want to play anymore." "You don't have to." "Just sit here and watch me win." "Bye, Roseanne." "Well, Crystal will stay with me then." "Where is she?" "Maybe she went to the bathroom again." "Her purse and coat are gone." "I didn't see her leave." "She's my ride." "Why would she leave me?" "Maybe that's her little way of ditching you." "Oh, great." "Now I got to quit and find out what the hell's the matter with her." "You take her." "I don't want to." "She's on your way." "She won 50 bucks." "She can take a cab." "One of you is taking me home." "I ain't taking you." "[Knock on door]" "Hey, Crystal." "Where's Roseanne?" "Still at bingo." "Oh, hi, little Ed." "Did you miss me, honey?" "Did you eat?" "Did you take a little nap?" "Good to see he isn't talking to you, either." "I thought he was snubbing me." "Where's Becky and Darlene?" "I'm supposed to pay them." "Pay D.J. He fed little Ed, he played with him," "He even gave him his old bear." "That's wonderful, D.J." "Here's $5.00 for being such a responsible young man." "All right!" "Yeah." "Go show your sisters." "Make sure you rub that in real good." "How come you didn't bring Roseanne home with you?" "I left early." "How's she going to get home?" "I don't care." "Don't tell me you two had a fight." "O.k., Dan, I won't." "You don't have to know anything, so you don't have to do anything about it." "Just like your father." "So was it tequila night down at st." "Benedict's?" "Hey!" "Why did you leave me down there?" "You were in your glory, Roseanne." "I didn't want to interrupt." "Cut the crap, Crystal." "So what's your problem?" "Forget it." "I was having a great time down there" "Oh, how about that?" "I thought playing bingo was just another one of Crystal's stupid ideas." "After I won 50 bucks, it got funner." "50 Bucks?" "Are you going to retire, or will you go to your job tomorrow like nothing happened?" "I was just teasing." "That's the way we are." "It's the way you are, always have been." "Ever since high school," "Everything I do is stupid." "Everything I say is stupid." "Even the way I raise my kids is stupid." "You're way overexaggerating now." "When you're not telling me how stupid I am, you're criticizing me or making fun of me, and when you're not doing that you're just ignoring me." "I do not ignore you." "How long did it take before you'd realized that I left the bingo parlor?" "O.k." "All right." "I'm sorry, o.k.?" "Oh." "Fine." ""I'm sorry."" "That's supposed to make up for 20 years." "What was that?" "Crystal's mad." "I've never seen her like that, ever." "She yelled at me, and I was being adorable." "you really must have done something to tick her off." "I swear I didn't do anything." "Come on, Roseanne, what did you do?" "Dan I did not treat her any different than I always do." "Well, you better go apologize then." "If she had some complaint against the way I've been treating her all these years, how come she waits till now to say something?" "I'm easy to talk to." "I listen." "O.k., I'll call her tomorrow and apologize." "That a girl." "How was bingo?" "Man, it was incredible." "It was such a rush." "Yeah?" "Did you win?" "Uh, no." "If Crystal's not returning your calls, then you should see her." "No." "Why should I?" "Hey, Louise." "Because you're upset." "No, I'm not upset." "She's the one that's upset." "I've been a very good friend to Crystal ever since the eighth grade." "I've been with her through four husbands." "Hey, Peg." "Yo, Ro." "And when she decided she was getting married to Dan's dad," "I put the entire wedding together, did I not?" "Hey, Lloyd." "How do you know these people?" "I've been playing the church circuit here." "This here's the best game." "It's got the big pots, and the numbers come fast." "Stick close to me 'cause things could get hairy." "Hairy?" "This is the game where you put the bean on the card, right?" "Hey!" "Arnie, what are you doing here?" "I'm going to be the caller." "Ha!" "You're kidding me." "No, no." "There's lots of money in bingo." "The problem is all the callers are boring." "I'll make it fun." "I'll become a celebrity." "Then I'll become Mr. Bingo." "Then I'll open my own indian reservation and make a hell of a lot of money." "What do you think about that?" "Well, let's start with you're not an indian." "I'll convert." "I just want to thank you for volunteering to do this." "Anything I can do for the community, padre." "I saw the sign outside," "And it only says "bingo."" "How are people going to know I'm here?" "That man saw you naked." "Shut up." "You think you spent enough money on bingo cards?" "I did not come to lose." "You are getting very weird here, Roseanne." "I am not." "What's with all the lighters?" "They're just sort of, you know, for luck." "Oh, you're kidding me." "No, everybody does it." "It's just for fun." "It doesn't mean nothing." "It's not like I need them or anything." "You can take one if you want." "Not the yellow one!" "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "Welcome to bingo night here at the fabulous St. Benny's." "I'm your host and caller Arnie thomas, reminding you that even though you're in the presence of the savior, don't save your money because it goes to charity." "Just call the numbers." "Coming right up." "But before I call out this number, are there any honeymooners in the crowd tonight?" "Being here at bingo reminds me of a funny story." "Let's go!" "O.k., all right!" "Hey." "I-27!" "I-27!" "Hell, I only got that on three cards." "Wouldn't it be really funny if we both yelled out "bingo" right now?" "Oh, that would be so beyond dumb, Jackie." "Come on, Arnie." "Come on, Arnie." "Come on, Arnie." "B-6!" "B-6!" "6." "Yeah." "That's better, that's better." "You are scary." "I'm trying to concentrate." "You're obsessed." "Get out of here." "O-70." "O-70." "Just kidding!" "It's actually 1-17!" "Bingo humor!" "[Yelling] [screaming]" "I'm working the room!" "Excuse me!" "I have seen you like this before." "Roseanne, you're addicted." "Oh, please!" "No, I'm serious." "You've spent the last five nights at bingo." "So?" "When you started smoking again," "You were doing two packs a day in a week." "It's the same thing." "Oh, get out of here." "It's just about having fun." "You're hooked!" "Admit it!" "Bingo is fun!" "No, it's not!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "[Cheering]" "O.k., that was fun." "[Knock on door]" "Come in." "Hey." "Hello, Roseanne." "Hello, little Ed." "Hello." "Look what you left over at my house" "The other day." "That's real nice of you, Roseanne." "Thanks for dropping that by." "Well..." "You know, I just" "I didn't want it to look like" "I just came over to apologize, you know." "I mean, I--I could've brought your blender back, but it's broken." "Yeah, well, I'm sorry I didn't call you back all this time." "Yeah, well, let's not do this anymore, o.k., Crystal?" "We've been friends for too long." "Yes, we have." "I was thinking about what you said." "And you're right." "I make fun of you too much." "I won't anymore." "I Promise." "Ha!" "Of course you will." "No." "I'm not going to." "I Promise." "Roseanne..." "I'm pregnant again." "Is this a test?" "Oh, wow." "Yeah." "Oh, wow." "That's why I got so crazy on you." "My hormones sort of have a mouth of their own." "Well, why didn't you tell me?" "'Cause you were being a big, stupid jerk." "I guess that's your hormones talking again, huh?" "I can't believe it." "We were using birth control." "And--and I wasn't getting my time of the month since I've been nursing, and all of a sudden, I started getting symptoms," "And..." "Why did this happen to me, Roseanne?" "Oh, Crystal." "I got a 9-month-old baby and a husband who's never home and a teenage son who's real hard to love a lot of the time." "And look at this place." "How am I going to deal with another baby?" "Well..." "Maybe this one will be the girl you always wanted." "Maybe." "I wish Ed was around to help a little more." "Well, I think Ed's done enough." "You know, me and Dan are here for you, Crystal, and so is Becky and Darlene, even though they don't kind of know it yet." "I mean, even D.J. Can help out, you know." "Everything will be fine, Crystal." "You'll see." "Thank you, Roseanne." "Ohh..." "Want some decaf?" "Yeah." "That would be great." "Oh, little Ed, you sit up." "I did try to call you back last night." "Oh, yeah." "I was out playing bingo." "Again?" "Yeah." "I've been playing most every night, you know," "But this saturday, that's the big game." "And then that's it." "I'm quitting on sunday." "Monday, for sure." "* Down came the rain and washed the spider out *" "* Up come the sun-- **" "Hey." "Yo." "Where's Roseanne?" "One guess." "Oh, god." "You're kidding!" "We were supposed to go to a movie." "It was weird." "We were watching television," "And this commercial for this cereal came on." "The guy talked about all the vitamins it had" "B-1, b-6, b-12..." "I turned around, and she was gone." "Dan, we have a problem." "People who get addicted to this type of stuff," "They change." "They become completely different people." "I-18." "I-18." "N-38." "N-38." "That's all I need." "One more number." "N-38." "N... 30... 1!" "Ohh!" "Grab her." "Hold her." "Hug her." "Tell her that you love her." "It's for your own good, Roseanne." "[Dan] it's o.k., folks." "I only need one more number!"