"Oh, you didn't go." "I knew you wouldn't." "No point spending money on another flight when we've only got a few days left." "My flight has been cancelled." "Has it?" "Why's that?" "(THUNDER CRACKING)" "Why do you think?" "I don't know." "Oh, it's not that volcano in Lapland, is it?" "You'd think this bit of rain would put it out." "Bit of rain?" "It's practically a tsunami." "What?" "This?" "(CHUCKLES) It's just a shower." "Me and your father had worse weather than this on holiday." "Bridlington, 1 958." "Do you know, he got struck by lightning four times that week." "I blamed that metal plate in his head." "Do you remember Geoff used to stick fridge magnets on him when he were asleep?" "(LAUGHS)" "Right, shall we have some breakfast?" "(PEOPLE CLAMOURING)" "Two pairs of carpet slippers completely ruined." "Who brings carpet slippers on holiday?" "You're on holiday in Benidorm, not the Orient Express." "I beg your pardon?" "And my £1 20 hair dryer is completely knackered." "Oh, yeah, and don't think we haven't heard about you running the illegal hair salon from your room." "You're lucky we're not charging you business rates!" "Oh, brilliant!" "Excuse me, our apartment is totally flooded." "Yes, I know, we are all sitting in the same boat." "But it's not a boat, that's my point." "We've got untold bit and bobs floating down the corridors." "I'm worried about kiddies picking them up, because some of them are of, well, shall we say, a personal nature." "I've been wading through water all morning, my plaster's gone soggy." "I've got a case full of clothes ruined." "What are you going to do about it?" "One at a time, please." "We're going to get nowhere if everybody keeps talking at once." "MADGE:" "We're all going to die!" "We're all going to die!" "It's a terrorist attack!" "We're all gonna die!" "I think that's a little excessive." "(THUNDER CRACKING)" "(MURMURING)" "Oh, do you think so?" "Well, you've obviously not thought things through." "A rainstorm?" "In Spain?" "In the middle of summer?" "It was 28 degrees yesterday." "Oh, no, you just listen to me." "There are dark forces at work." "By the end of today this place will be a pile of rubble covered in dead bodies." "It'll be like 7 /1 1 all over again." "(THUNDER CRACKING) -(PEOPLE GASP)" "It's not a terrorist attack, it's a bloody thunderstorm!" "MADGE:" "Oh, don't try and cover it up." "I know all about conspiracy theories." "I once met Mohammed Al Fayed in a lift." "LES:" "Can I have your attention, please?" "Ladies and gentlemen, will you please calm down for just one minute, please." "(SHOUTING) Shut up!" "Thank you, Janey." "Now, if you'd all like to make your way down to the Hawaiian Function room, all complaints will be handled there." "No weather-related complaints will be taken at reception." "We also have some exclusive, top class entertainment planned for you this lunch time, again, down in the Hawaiian Function room." "You what?" "There will also be speciality cocktails and star prize bingo, where the full house prize will be a brand new laptop." "(WHOOPING)" "You what?" "So, if you'd just like to follow Mateo and myself, we'll get you all sorted." "Cocktails?" "Who wants cocktails?" "It's 1 0:30 in the morning!" "I'm not being funny, but would you mind speaking for yourself?" "MATEO:" "Come on, everybody, follow me." "This way." "Oh, yeah." "And where's this laptop coming from?" "Not to mention the "exclusive" top class entertainment?" "Don't worry, just leave it to me, I know what I'm doing." "Yeah." "Well, you'd better." "God!" "Janey, what the hell have you done with this weather?" "It's the middle of August." "Hello, Johnny, I didn't know you were in town." "Well, you know me." "I always like to keep a low profile." "Yeah, right." "We're refurbishing the new place across town, but there's no power because of the storm." "Don't, we've had to unplug all the mobility scooters." "People staggering around that haven't walked since the early '80s." "(LAUGHING)" "You got time for a coffee?" "'Course I have." "Excuse me, what's being done about all this flooding?" "I'm all for water features but not coming out of a lift." "All complaints are being handled by our fully trained crisis team in the Hawaiian Function room, under the stairs, end of the corridor." "It's not a crisis team you need, it's a bloody pump." "Janice?" "Sorry, love, do I know you?" "Johnny Neptune." "I mean, Nelson." "Johnny Nelson." "Oh, my God." "(CHUCKLES) How are you?" "Bloody hell!" "You don't look any different." "I mean, that is a lie." "You look better, if that's possible." "Are you all right, love?" "Sorry, love." "Where did you say the pump was?" "I mean, the Hawaiian crisis team." "I mean..." "Under the stairs, end of the corridor." "Under the stairs, end of the corridor." "Are you upset, Mum?" "Come on, let's go." "Who's that?" "That is the only woman I've ever asked to marry me." "And she said no." "Christ, talk about a lucky escape." "We going to have that coffee then?" "Oh, do you mind if we grab it a bit later?" "Yeah, no problem, I'm not going anywhere today." "(PHONE RINGING)" "HMS Titanic, can I help you?" "LES:" "Right, son." "Listen." "Hey!" "All you got to do is make a note of which rooms are flooded, right?" "Write them down, and then radio housekeeping." "I'm off to pull in a favour to try and get some entertainment on the go." "Oh, Dad?" "Yes?" "Can you tune it in for me?" "It doesn't need tuning in." "But there's no display." "How will I know which station is Radio Housekeeping?" "No, son, you press this button here and it goes straight through to housekeeping and you tell them which rooms are flooded." "Okay?" "Oh, yeah." "Cool!" "I'm going to text me mates." "I've never been on the radio before." "(CHUCKLES)" "Four-two-four." "Where's me Nana?" "I don't know, Son." "Where's me Dad?" "You know where he is, he went looking for some more towels." "What?" "I said he went looking for towels." "(GIGGLES)" "Thanks for telling me about the Hawaiian bunker." "Where's Madge Bin Laden?" "I don't know." "You all right?" "You look like you've seen a ghost." "I'm fine." "Can you get in that queue and tell them about the apartment?" "(SIGHS)" "Okay." "Are you sure you're all right?" "Yeah, I just need a bit of fresh air." "Michael, save this table, and get another chair for your Nana." "Michael." "All right." "Don't forget your brolly." "Here you are." "Look, you sit there." "Gavin will let them know about our apartments." "No point in all of us queuing up." "You're a good lad." "Now how are you feeling?" "Gavin's been dead worried about you since you had your accident in the pool." "Well, yes." "There have been developments, but both Donald and I have agreed we don't want to talk about them with other people." "No, 'course you don't, we're all on holiday." "The last thing you want to be doing is bringing people down with stories about hospitals and illnesses." "I've got three months to live." "GAVIN:" "Well, that didn't take long." "I wonder what entertainment they've got lined up." "Oh, come on, cheer up." "It's only a bit of rain." "We could all be dead this time next week." "Some more likely than others." "I'm sorry?" "Hiya." "Hiya." "Can I have one of these chairs?" "Yeah." "Thanks." "My name's Michael." "What's your name?" "Paige." "Page?" "Like in a book?" "Yeah." "Okay, bye." "Bye." "You haven't got a spare one of those, have you, love?" "I'm sorry, sweetheart, it's my last one." "No worries." "Here you go." "Jesus, you scared me." "I'm all right." "You just said you wanted one." "I'm fine, thank you." "You grew up." "'Course I grew up, what a stupid thing to say." "How are you, Janice?" "Great, really good, thanks." "On holiday with my family, my husband and my family." "Oh, listen, am I upsetting you?" "No, you're not upsetting me." "Johnny, the last time I saw you, I was a girl, a 1 7-year-old girl." "You know, it's just weird, seeing you after all this time." "All of a sudden I'm back there, it's 1 980..." "Four." "1 984." "It's the end of the summer and I ask you to marry me and you say no, and you break my heart." "Well, we've both had long enough to get over it." "Well, I'd better get off, back to work." "Back to the UK tomorrow." "(STAMMERS) How's your mum?" "What a strange thing to ask, you never met her." "I know, but I knew all about her." "Which is probably why I never met her." "Me mother's in her seventies, I just want her to come home, but she's determined to stay out here." "Says she wants to run another business out here." "She said, "That Bruce Forsyth is still working, he's in his nineties."" "I told her, "No, he can't be, he's still got all his own hair."" "Sorry, I'm waffling." "Why did you say no, Janice?" "Because I'm sure he's nowhere near 90." "We saw him on the telly the other week, he sang Mr Bojangles and did the splits at the end." "Why did you say no when I asked you to marry me?" "What?" "You think if I'd said yes we'd still be living happily ever after?" "I went to the cinema on me own." "You what?" "The last time we were supposed to meet, you know, when you didn't turn up." "Against All Odds." "Quite apt, really." "Johnny..." "Mind your backs now!" "You were going to say something?" "Take care of yourself." "Yeah." "I think this is just about the worst holiday I've ever had." "I mean, it's been crap up until now but at least the sun was shining." "How's your leg?" "Oh, I'm not sure, let me check." "Oh, yeah, still broken." "I was only asking." "Hola." "Hurricane cocktails for very thirsty people." "Hey, you all right?" "I'm fine." "Are you okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine, thank you." "Am I supposed to know what all this means?" "Oh!" "That's vile." "I'm going to get a coffee, do you want one?" "Yeah, thanks." "I was saying don't mention about last night." "Last night?" "In the shower cubicle next to the pool." "What are you talking about?" "We were both really drunk, it was dark, I ripped your vest." "Look, all I'm saying is, don't tell Natalie we had sex 'cause she still has feelings for you." "Natalie still has feelings for me?" "Well, I think so." "Which is why it makes this just a little bit awkward!" "Okay." "Thank you for telling me." "Oh, by the way, I did not have sex last night, and certainly not in the shower cubicle by the pool." "Uh-uh." "There you go." "Are you all right?" "Think I'm gonna be sick." "(THUNDER CRACKING)" "Dad, what's going on?" "This is Spain." "When's it going to stop?" "I've never seen out like it, Son." "I mean, I'm no Michael Fish, but even I know it shouldn't be boiling hot one day and pissing buckets the next." "I've told you, it's a conspiracy." "What's that mean?" "It means, it's not long before the men in white coats arrive and put your Nana in a yellow van with square wheels." "Special hurricane cocktails." "And one there, there's someone sitting there as well." "I don't want one." "I'm not drinking today." "You're all right, leave it there, she might have it later." "I won't, I've said I'm not drinking today." "Put it down!" "She might change her mind." "No, I won't." "Dad, they're free." "If you want another one, you can just go and get one." "MAN ON PA:" "Testing, one, two, one, two." "Oh!" "That is vile." "So you don't want this one?" "No, you're all right, leave it there." "Well, they're free, aren't they?" "Hiya, we all right?" "Yeah." "Where've you been?" "Went to the loo, is that all right?" "As long as you don't let it happen again. (CHUCKLES)" "What's that you're drinking?" "Cocktails." "Bloody hell, that's rough." "Michael, go and get us a cup of tea." "Mum, do you want anything?" "Oh, yeah, lovely cup of tea." "Get me and your Nana a cup of tea." "Mick?" "Aye, go on, tea, two sugars." "I'll have it as a chaser after me cocktails." "Three cups of tea, Michael." "Put a brandy in mine." "Thought you weren't drinking?" "It's in tea, it doesn't count." "Yeah, I'll remind you of that when you're singing with the band after your ninth cup of tea." "Are you all right?" "Yeah." "♪ Sometimes it's hard to be a woman" "♪ Giving all your love to just one man" "♪ You'll have bad times" "♪And he'll have good times" "♪ Doing things that you don't understand ♪" "Not a bad voice." "She's got a look of that barman you see every now and again." "You know, that little bald fellow." "Same lived-in face." "They might be related." "Is this honestly, honestly, your idea of a good time?" "'Course it is!" "Rain belting down outside, everybody pulling together, making their own entertainment." "Look, you've got dominoes on the go." "I dare say someone might get up and do a bit of karaoke." "It's got a lovely wartime feel about it." "Anyway, we're the lucky ones, some people have been flooded out." "Two beautiful cocktails for two beautiful women." "Not for us, thank you, darling." "Three!" "Oh, these are special cocktails, only one..." "Three." "Here." "No, Pauline." "No." "You've done so well." "Now, listen to me." "Listen to me." "What did Dr Noble say?" "One more drink and that liver of yours will burst like an overfilled icing bag." "I'm 42, single, twice divorced, financially and morally bankrupt, on holiday with my mother in Benidorm, in the driving, pissing rain." "I have one rabid cat which cannot be released from customs and I am absolutely caked in thrush." "And you tell me I don't deserve a drink." "Come on, Pauline, think about what you're doing." "Remember when you met Roy Castle, when you were 1 2, and he asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up?" "And you said, "A rodeo clown."" "Remember what he said to you?" ""You can be anything you want to be."" "You don't want to be this." "For the love of Roy, put the drink down." "♪ Dedication, uh-huh" "♪ Dedication" "♪ Dedication is what you need" "♪ If you want to be the best" "♪And you want to beat the rest" "♪ Dedication's what you need" "♪ If you want to be a record breaker" "♪ Oh, oh, oh" "♪ Yeah ♪" "(GASPING)" "Oh, Pauline." "What are we going to do with you?" "(CROWD APPLAUDING)" "Three teas, please, and me Nana says can you whack a brandy in hers." "(SNAPPING)" "Wait your turn." "Shh!" "I saw you." "Earlier on." "Did you?" "Yes." "You were making eyes at that girlie." "She's through there, isn't she?" "Uh..." "I don't think she, um..." "Don't think she what?" "Come on, spit it out." "I don't think she likes me." "No, bollocks." "You want a beer?" "Um..." "Two pints of your strongest lager and one for the boy as well." "Sorry, excuse me." "Let me give you some advice, sonny." "What you have to do is just go in there and lay your cards on the table." "None of this playing hard to get and being cool, a woman likes to know where she stands." "Flattery, that's what you need." "That's being nice to someone, isn't it?" "(EXCLAIMS) Don't be nice!" "Nice doesn't come anywhere close." "You're dealing with women here." "You've got to make her feel as though she's the most beautiful creature who ever drew breath." "Tell her!" "We like to be treated like ladies, made to feel special." "Feminine." "Try it." "You'll be surprised at the results." "What the bloody hell's going on here?" "You look really nice today, Mum." "Oh, Jesus, is he pissed?" "(MOUTHING)" "Come on!" "Michael." "Keep them coming, Jose." "♪ You can tell the world you never was my girl" "♪ You can burn my clothes when I'm gone" "♪ Or you can tell your friends just what a fool I've been" "♪And laugh and joke about me on the phone" "♪ You can tell my arms... ♪" "You have three months to live?" "I'm sorry I can't quite get my head around this." "Well, I don't want to go too much into detail." "Of course not." "But, yes, it's an hereditary problem that runs in the family." "My father died when he was 51 ," "I'm not far off that myself." "(CHUCKLES) Yes, none of us are getting any younger." "It's going to be a difficult time ahead, somehow Jacqueline seems to be coping so far." "(WHOOPING)" "Yes, I can see that." "You know, when Sammy Davis Jr was told he only had a few months to live, he said, "I must have packed several lifetimes into the last 60 years."" "(CHUCKLES) I feel very much the same." "Except you're still in your late 40s?" "It's interesting, Sammy Davis and I seem to have led parallel lives." "Well, yes, to look at you, you could have been brothers." "Both natural performers, both suffered at the hands of mindless racism, both Jewish." "I very nearly had my eye poked out last year at The Middlesbrough Swingers Association Summer Fetish Ball." "I didn't know you were Jewish." "Oh, yes, before I met Jacqueline, I went out with Deena." "Lovely Jewish girl from The Gorbals." "Her father wouldn't let us get engaged until I converted." "(CHUCKLES) Didn't work out in the end, but it was only the other week I realised I forgot to convert back." "Still, I don't suppose Jacqueline would worry too much, she's very broad minded." "Thank you!" "Thank you!" "Right, ladies and gentlemen, if you'd like to take your seats," "Liam will be coming round with your cards and dabbers for today's big prize bingo!" "(SIGHS)" "Four of you?" "Don't give me one, can't be arsed with all that rubbish." "Give it here, I used to do six books at a time in the '70s, still keeping an eye on half a dozen kids and a husband with a wandering eye." "Do you want to do mine, Nana?" "Yeah, pass it over." "I thought you wanted to win the laptop?" "No, I'm not bothered," "I'm off to play on the machines." "Dad, is it all right for me to spend a few euros on the machines?" "'Course, it is, son, you're on holiday." "What?" "You want me to give it to you?" "What happened to all that money you've been saving up all year?" "I gave it to me Nana." "Bloody hell." "(GROANS)" "Michael, here you are." "I want the change." "Thanks, Mum." "Unbelievable." "He'll get it back." "I'm doing him a favour, he'll have only wasted it on sweets and rubbish." "What, as opposed to investing it in 200 Benson and Hedges and a new frock?" "Well, you can give it him back tonight." "You can take it out of that three grand, with interest." "That money is for my future." "And anyway, if you keep your trap shut for five minutes" "I'm about to win him a twin-top computer." "LES:" "Okay, ladies and gentlemen, eyes down." "It's not going to be like this for the rest of the week, is it?" "What, the weather?" "I bloody hope not." "We've had over a dozen apartments completely wrecked already." "We're going have to transfer some of the people over to another hotel." "Really?" "Yeah." "And if you think the food's crap here, wait till you go up to the Hotel Turino." "Their chef got taught to cook in prison." "I tell you," "I wouldn't exactly like to queue up to taste his prawn ring." "(GROANS)" "How's it going with Liam?" "You what?" "Les' son, seems a nice kid." "I say nice, he's the kind of lad we used to send out to shops for a tin of tartan paint." "I'm not going out with anyone." "I'm single." "Single?" "Nice looking lass like you, you should have a boyfriend." "Well, I used to go out with one of the barmen here, Mateo, but I think he's playing it cool." "Mateo?" "Playing it cool?" "More like he can't remember you." "Well, we were kind of serious." "He asked me to marry him." "Yeah, you and all the others." "Yes, darling?" "Can I have an orange juice, please?" "Of course you can, sweetheart." "Excuse me, is this seat taken?" "No." "You look really nice." "Do I?" "Yeah." "I like your hair, it's really nice." "Actually, not nice, beautiful." "Really beautiful." "Would you like a drink, darling?" "I'll have a coke, please, and whatever the lady is having." "The lady?" "Oh." "I think she's got a drink." "Oh, yeah." "I'd better go back." "Are you going to Neptune's tonight?" "Yeah." "Can I meet you there?" "Yeah." "Okay, see you tonight." "See you tonight." "Michael." "Yeah?" "I like your T-shirt." "There you go, love, one coke." "She remembered me name!" "Aw." "More than they usually do for me." "Two little ducks, the number two." "Er, no, that's one duck, just one duck that time." "Maggie's den, number 1 0." "Maggie's den?" "When was the last time he called bingo?" "Will you shut up?" "Key of the door, 34." "Key of the door is 21 , this is rubbish." "Mick, be quiet." "Since when did you turn into a bingo expert?" "Shut up!" "All the 1 1 s..." "Sorry, I mean, 1 1." "Ah, he's taking the piss now." "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "Four and nine, the Brighton line, 49." "(EXCLAIMS) I only need seven to win." "What, seven numbers?" "No, number seven, you idiot." "All right, calm down." "Eight and three, 83..." "Oh, hang on a minute, we're only supposed to go up to 50, so scrap that last one." "Pull it, pull it, pull it!" "And your next number out is..." "On its own, number six." "House!" "House!" "I've won!" "I've won!" "I've won." "It's me!" "I've won!" "Fuck the lot of you!" "Stick it up your arses, your grey, flabby, lifeless arses." "Look at you, look at you!" "All sitting there desperate to get your clammy paws on the prize, aching to get something for nothing, your blubbery, sweaty, vomitous faces, grey and bloated from an odious diet of takeaway food and reality TV." "Well, not this time." "I'm the winner and you are all losers." "You'll never do anything with your lives." "No pride, no ambition." "I hope you all die of shame!" "Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner." "Well done, we'll give you your prize in Neptune's tonight." "Hit it, boys." "(PLAYING MAN!" "I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!" ")" "LES:" "Let's go, girls." "♪ I'm going out tonight I'm feelin' all right" "♪ I'm gonna let it all hang out" "♪ The best thing about being a woman" "♪ Is the prerogative to have a little fun" "♪ Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy Forget I'm a lady" "♪ Men's shirts, short skirts" "♪ Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free Yeah, to feel the way I feel" "♪ Man!" "I feel like a woman!" "♪" "♪ Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter" "♪ Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter" "♪ Who told you you're allowed to rain on my parade?" "♪ I'll march my band out, I'll beat my drum... ♪" "Another One Bites The Dust?" "Not bad." "How about this one," "Blue Oyster Cult, Don't Fear The Reaper?" "Never heard of it." "Good title though." "Hello, we don't want to disturb you, but we just wanted to say we hope you're feeling okay." "Sit down, boys!" "Oh, we don't want to intrude, you know, with you not having much time left." "Nonsense, sit down!" "We were just looking at songs for Donald's funeral." "Oh, what about this one," "Going Underground by The Jam?" "Not bad, but weren't we considering a cremation?" "Disco Inferno by Tina Turner!" "Burn, baby, burn!" "Too obvious." "Pardon me for breathing." "What would you have at your funeral, Gavin?" "Ding Dong!" "The Witch Is Dead." "I would have Gone Too Soon by Michael Jackson." "It's a beautiful song." "What if you live to be 90?" "Very doubtful." "None taken." "Here we are, I think I've got it." "Go on." "Well, you know you said there was no point getting a second opinion because this form of cancer's never been successfully treated?" "Yes." "The Verve, The Drugs Don't Work." "Perfect!" "I know the concept of work is still slightly alien to you, but the idea is when people have got empty glasses in front of them it means they've finished with them." "I was having a power nap." "I was having a power nap." "Who do you think you are?" "Geoff Capes?" "Who's Geoff Capes?" "Don't change the subject." "If this bar isn't covered in empty glasses in the next 30 seconds you will be out of a job before you've even started." "Everything all right, young 'un?" "Yeah, I'm okay." "Yeah?" "Doesn't sound like it." "You know that Natalie." "The lass you've been seeing a bit of?" "Aye." "I think she's losing interest in me." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." "Still, there's plenty more fish in the sea." "So I'm gonna ask her to marry me." "Ah, right." "I don't think that's such a good idea, son." "Why not?" "I think she'd make a great daughter-in-law." "No, no, I don't mean that, it's just..." "Well, I think you should take things a bit slow, you know." "A holiday romance is one thing but I think it's a bit soon to be thinking about marriage." "No, no, fortune flavours the brave." "Does it now?" "Yeah." "Is that not a famous saying?" "Not exactly." "Right, 'cause it just came to me in a dream." "Son." "Good luck, son." "There'll be no luck involved, Dad." "Aye, that's what I'm afraid of." "(WOMAN WHOOPING)" "Shaun Foster Conley with a Bobby Darin classic, Don't Rain On My Parade, and don't forget, tomorrow, it's '80s night, we want to see big hair, naff jewellery, and fashion 30 years out of date." "Actually, most of you can come just as you are." "And now before we move on to the karaoke, a great '80s track from a very good friend of mine" "Mr Johnny Neptune." "(PEOPLE CHEERING)" "Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen." "Mum, is it all right if I go sit at the bar?" "♪ How can I just let you walk away" "♪Just let you leave without a trace" "♪ When I stand here taking every breath with you" "Mum!" "♪ You're the only one who really knew me at all" "♪ How can you just walk away from me" "♪ When all I can do is watch you leave" "Natalie, I need to ask you something." "What?" "Outside." "Can't you just ask me here?" "Out...side." "If there's going to be a fight, can I come and watch?" "♪ Take a look at me now" "Make sure you get the first punch in, Nat." "He'll go down like a sack of shit." "♪ There's nothing left here to remind me" "♪Just the memory of your face" "♪ Take a look at me now" "♪ There's just an empty space" "What's tickled you?" "Have a look." "What the frig's up with you, misery guts?" "You're supposed to be on your holidays." "It's just a nice song." "She's always been the same." "She used to cry when they guessed the right house on Through The Keyhole." "What's wrong with that?" "There's nothing wrong with that." "It's what makes you beautiful, and unique, makes you my wife," "who after all these years I still love with a passion and wouldn't change for the world." "Hey, come on." "Here, come on." "Oh, that's all we need on this holiday, her hitting the menopause like a bull at a gate." "♪And there's nothing left here to remind me" "♪Just the memory of your face" "♪ Now take a look at me now ♪" "(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)" "Come on now, let's hear it for Mr Johnny Neptune." "He's about to hop off on a flight back to the UK." "Let's give him a good send-off." "Liam, is this going to take long, 'cause you can already leave a spoon standing up in that risotto as it is." "Oh, sorry, love." "Oh, just lean..." "Lean there..." "Now, try..." "Oh!" "Natalie, will you marry me?" "What?" "Will you marry me?" "No!" "(SCOFFS) Was that it?" "Liam!" "Liam!" "Are you okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "You know, I missed you." "You've hardly spoke to me since I've got here." "I try to give you space, but it's hard for me." "Space?" "We saw each other every day for two weeks, you told me you loved me, we even spoke about marriage, then I went home and I never heard from you again." "Why didn't you call me?" "I lost my phone." "I tried to remember your mobile but I am not good with numbers." "You had my email address, my home address." "I am even worse with words." "I assumed you changed your number to get rid of me." "Get rid of you?" "Natalie, you were the best thing that ever happened to me." "I missed you so much." "If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, you know where I am." "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "(EXHALES)" "Do you want a drink, love?" "No, I'm all right, thanks." "Do you know the girl with the blonde hair with the red bits in?" "I don't think so." "She's my age." "I was sat with her at the bar in reception this afternoon." "Oh, yeah, I know the one." "Has she been in here tonight?" "No, she won't be in here again." "They were one of the families that were flooded out." "They've been put in another hotel." "Oh, right." "Uh, where's the other hotel?" "It's right over on the other side of Benidorm." "You all right?" "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, thanks." "I had a slice of your risotto," "I hope you don't mind." "So what did he want?" "Liam?" "Oh, he asked me to marry him." "(LAUGHING)" "Oh, you can't say we haven't had a laugh on this holiday!" "(SNIGGERING)" "Are you all right?" "I think I'm in love." "What?" "Right, next karaoke cab off the rank is Donald with a cheery little number calledThe Drugs Don't Work." "(PEOPLE CHEERING)" "Hey, where have you been?" "I had a date." "You what?" "What kind of date?" "A date with a girl, but she didn't turn up." "Bloody hell, you kept that one quiet." "I really thought she was the one." "She was perfect." "Don't worry, Son, you'll know when the right one comes along." "Won't he, Jan?" "(MOUTHING)" "You what?" "I said, he'll know when the right one comes along." "Absolutely." "♪ ..." "like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown" "♪ This time I'm coming down" "I could have sworn you said the bingo prize was a laptop." "No, no." "Lap dog." "Well, what are we supposed to do with that?" "We're going home in two days." "Ah, well, it's what you've won, but, I mean, if you don't want it" "I'll just have to take it back." "I'm sorry about the confusion." "Hang on, my daughter's coming back, she's the one that won the bingo." "♪ Now the drugs don't work..." "Pauline, this young lady says you've won a dog in the bingo." "A lap dog, not a laptop." "Your mum was just explaining how it might be a bit tricky, you know, taking the dog home." "So if you just pass him back, you know, we'll just leave it at that." "Uh, I'm not sure about the policy of dogs here either." "I suppose we just didn't, you know, really think it through like, you know." "(LAUGHS)" "So why don't I just take the dog back and..." "Get your hands off my dog!" "I love you." "(DOG SNARLING)" "Do you love me?" "Say yes." "Where's Charlie?" "Uh, I'm sorry?" "Where's me dog?" "You said you'd be two minutes." "Um, I think we might have a slight problem." "♪ Now the drugs don't work" "♪ They just make you worse" "♪ But I know I'll see your face again ♪" "Just give me the bloody dog back!" "She's not your dog, she's my dog, she's called Liza." "What the frig is she on?" "Just give me..." "Just give her the dog back, we can't take it on the plane anyway." "There's some sort of mistake, just pass the dog to me, will you?" "What are you doing?" "Get off my dog!" "Get off my dog!" "(DOG YELPS)" "Is it too late to get the laptop?" "(YELLING)"