"If you were asked to choose the most fabulous character in English literature, who would it be?" "Robin Hood?" "King Arthur?" "Becky Sharp?" "Sherlock Holmes?" "Oliver Twist perhaps?" "Well, anyone of them would be an excellent choice." "Still, for the most fabulous character of all, I would nominate a toad:" "J. Thaddeus Toad, Esquire." "Incurable adventurer, mad, reckless, tried everything, positive mania for fads, and he never counted the cost." "Had a host of fair-weather friends, of course." "But there were only three who had his best interests at heart." "One was a badger:" "MacBadger." "And then there was a water rat:" "a bit stuffy perhaps, but really a fine fellow." "And a mole:" "gentle creature, kind and sympathetic." "They all made their homes in a quaint little community along a riverbank." "Now, on that particular day, Mole was in a hurry because..." "Oh, yes, of course, because he was late for tea, a regrettable habit." "Still, Rat had more or less learned to put up with it." "And so, as usual, "Sorry, Rat,"says Mole." ""Quite all right,"says Rat." ""Two lumps, if you please,"says Mole." "And then, just as they were getting comfortably settled..." " Special delivery, Mr. Rat." " Thank you, postman." "How's everything on the river today, sir?" "Dashed quiet, as usual." "Thank you." "Mole, listen to this." ""Dear Rat:" "You and Mole must come to Toad Hall at once." "Urgent." "A. MacBadger"." "Now, Rat was certain Toad was making trouble again." "Well, the answer to that lay just around the bend at Toad Hall, the ancestral home of J. Thaddeus himself." "This impressive structure, by the way, was by all odds the finest home on the river." "The animals were tremendously proud of it." "They felt it gave the whole community an air of respectability." "To lose Toad Hall was, of course, unthinkable." "And yet it was no secret that Toad's costly follies had brought him to the brink of bankruptcy." "So as a last resort, MacBadger had volunteered to take over and put Toad's house in order." ""Smashed fence"." "Twelve guineas." ""Damaged lamppost, 4 pound 6"." ""Destruction of hen house"." "How can a man figure with all this hubbub?" "Didn't I tell you...?" "It's you, Rat, and Mole too." "Thank goodness, lads." "You've come at last." "Poor MacBadger." "He'd reached the end of his rope, for, as he said himself:" "I'm practically a nervous wreck." "I say, MacBadger, what seems to be the trouble?" "Something's got to be done about Toad." " This time, he's gone too far." " But he promised us." "Promises, huh?" "What good are his promises when these wild manias take him?" "Now, look, you're his closest friends, are you not?" " Yes." " Very dear friends." "Then, lads, you gotta find Toad and stop him." " What's he doing?" " He's got a new mania." "He's rampaging about the county in a canary-yellow gypsy cart with a horse named Cyril." " Tallyho!" "Tallyho!" " Tallyho!" "Are we on our way to Nottingham To Brittingham, to Buckingham" "Or any hammy hamlet by the sea?" "No" "Are we on our way to Devonshire To Lancashire or Worcestershire?" "I'm not so sure We'll have to wait and see" "Are we on our way to Dover Or going merrily over" "The jolly old road That goes to Plymouth ho?" " No" " No" "We're merrily, merrily, merrily Merrily, merrily on our way" "To nowhere in particular" "We're merrily, merrily, merrily Merrily, merrily on our way" "Though the roads are perpendicular" "We're always in a hurry" "We have no time to stall" "We've gotta be there We've gotta be there" "But where we can't recall" "We're merrily, merrily, merrily Merrily, merrily on our way" "And we may be going to Devonshire To Lancashire, to Worcestershire" "We're not so sure But what do we care?" "We're only sure We've got to be there" "We're merrily on our way To nowhere at all" "Hello, you fellows." "You're the very animals I was coming to see." "Come along." "Hop up here." "We'll go for a jolly ride." "The open road, the dusty highway." "Come." "I'll show you the world." "Travel, change, excitement." "How stupid of me." "I want you fellows to meet my noble steed, Cyril." "Aye." "That's me." "A bit of a trotter, a bit of a rotter." "How do you do?" "How do you do?" "How do you do?" "How do you do?" "Say, governor, your friends seem to be a bit on the stuffy side, what?" "Toad, we want to have a talk with you." "Oh, a visit." "Splendid." "Toad, this is serious." "You've got to give up that horse and cart." "Give up my...?" "Oh, but, my dear Ratty, this is my career." " Surely you can't mean...?" " I do mean it." "You've got to stop this foolishness." " No." " You must." "No, I won't do it." " Your reckless behaviour is giving us..." " I won't even listen." "You're fast becoming a menace to society." "If you won't think of yourself, think of poor old MacBadger." "And as for that horse, no good could ever come from getting about with such a fast and irresponsible beast." " Get him, Mole." " Come down, Toady." "Stop it." "Let me go." "Giddyap, Cyril." "Giddyap." "It's no use." "You'll never get me to give this up." "Tallyho." "Hey, look." "Gad." "What is it?" "Lumme, governor, it's a motorcar." "Motorcar?" "A motorcar." "Gad." "What have I been missing?" "Ratty." " It isn't..." "He hasn't..." " It is, and he has." "A new mania: motor mania." "Mania." "That's it." "That's what it was, a positive mania." "No telling where it would end either." "Might linger for months." "And with Toad Hall at stake, well, Rat and Mole had no choice." "There was only one thing to do:" "lock the poor chap in his chambers and keep him there until the poison worked out of his system." "Hold him, Moley." "That's better." "And you can't escape, you know." "Simply no use trying." "Let me out of here." "Open up." "Open up, I say." "Please, Ratty, Moley, open the door." "Now, of course, playing jailer to one's dearest friend wasn't exactly a pleasant situation." "In fact, Moley weakened right at the start and wanted to call it quits." "But Ratty said, "No, definitely not"." "This time, they must be firm." "After all, it wasn't just a matter of saving Toad from himself." "There was MacBadger to consider, and Toad Hall and all that it stood for." "Now, there was only one thing wrong with Ratty's cure for Toad's motor mania:" "It didn't work." "You see, Toad was far too clever and, at the moment, completely mad." "He was determined to get a motorcar, even if he had to beg, borrow or..." "His Majesty's court v. defendant, J. Thaddeus Toad," "Toad Hall, Riverbank, Surrey, 24th day of August, set forth in the following brief." "Accused is J. Thaddeus Toad of stealing the motorcar, driving said vehicle in a reckless manner on the highroad to the endangerment of sundry subjects of His Majesty, their life and limbs." "Counsel for the Crown, proceed with the case." "My lord, I call, as first Crown witnesses, Mr. Rat and Mr. Mole." "Is it true that you had the accused locked in his own house because he threatened to get a motorcar?" "Did you or did you not have him locked up?" " We did." " Thank you." "That is all." "Next witness." "Mr. Angus MacBadger." "As trustee of the Toad estate, you knew of the prisoner's mania for motorcars." "Well, I..." "And due to his reckless extravagance, you cut off his allowance." "Well..." "Then he was, to the best of your knowledge, without funds." " Well..." " That is all." "Thank you." "Gentlemen of the jury, the Crown rests." "Counsel for the defence will present his case." "My lord, with the court's indulgence," "I rise prepared to plead my own defence." "Moley." "Moley, stop it." "Gentlemen of the jury," "I call, as my first witness," "Cyril Proudbottom." "Cyril Proudbottom?" "Are you acquainted with the defendant, J. Thaddeus Toad?" "Lord love a duck, yes." "He's one of the jolliest chaps I've ever run across." "And simply tons of money." "Good fellow, eh?" "Throws it away." "But he wasn't throwing it away that day." "You heard Mr. MacBadger testify that his allowance was cut off." "Then how did he get a motorcar?" "The only way a gentleman gets anything:" "the honest way." "And what is the honest way?" "I thought you wouldn't know that, governor." "Your Lordship, I..." "The witness may testify in his own words." "Right-o, governor." "Now, I'll give you the facts of the case." "For when Toady escaped from his boudoir, he come heading straight for my place." "Soon we was off down the highway, but hadn't gone far, I confess, when all of a sudden, with a rush and a roar," "something passed like the London Express." "It was big, it was red, it was beautiful." "A motorcar." "A bit of all right." "Toady was transfixed with rapture." "You could tell it was love at first sight." "The motor pulled up to a tavern wherein was located a bar." "And we watched while some tough-looking weasels got out of that lovely red car." "Now, weasels, I know, are deceitful and not to be trusted at all." "But how could I know they'd stolen that car?" "I didn't have no crystal ball." "And the governor, he's not one to dally." "He made up his mind like a flash." "He says, "Try it for size, my good Cyril, while I see what they'll take for it, cash"." "So into the tavern he saunters, where the barman was back in the bar, and he said, "Cheerio, tavern keeper." "Who's the owner of that hot-looking car?"" "The barman, a codger named Winky, leaned over the bar and said, "Why?"" "The governor answered," ""That car must be mine." "Whatever the price is, I'll buy"." "But Toad found he hadn't no money." "So he promptly offered a trade." "The weasels appeared to be willing." "In a moment, the bargain was made." "Then Toady drawed up a paper with almost incredible speed." "And he called on old Winky, the barman, to pop over and witness the deed." "Now, the governor's not a bit stingy." "He never does anything small." "The weasels gave him the red motorcar, and he gave the weasels Toad Hall." "Traded Toad Hall, an estate worth 100,000 pounds, for a motorcar." "Do you expect me to believe that?" "I don't expect you to believe anything." "But, fortunately, I can produce a witness." "Call Mr. Winky." "Mr. Winky, Mr. Winky." "My lord, gentlemen, facing you in the witness box is a citizen of substance and standing." "A man of unimpeachable honesty." "Now, Mr. Winky, do you recall an incident that took place in your establishment last August the 12th that I was a party to?" "Oh, yes, sir." "That I do, sir." "Well, then, just tell the court what actually happened." "Well, governor, you tried to sell me a stolen motorcar." "That's a deliberate lie, you monkey-faced little rum pot." "No." "I've been framed." "Let me go." "Help." "Help." "Help." "Toad guilty." "Toad..." "The news of Toad's disgrace rocked the nation." "Seems the court was determined to make an example of him." "But the decision stood." "The case of J. Thaddeus Toad was closed." "Case of J. Thaddeus Toad is Closed." "Yes, once again, it was a white Christmas, and once again, the melodies of Yuletide hung sweet upon the winter's air." "Hearts were gay and spirits high." "Indeed, in all the city, there was but one spot untouched by the warmth of Christmas cheer:" "the tower." "Grim monument to despair." "Cold, cruel, forbidding, and, unfortunately, the abode of Toad for a good many Christmases yet to come." "Poor Toad." "Alone with the memories of his wasted life." "What a fool he'd been." "With many a pang he recalled the kindly face of Angus MacBadger and his sage advice, so often scorned." "A tear for Moley too, for his loyalty, his sympathy, his understanding." "And Toad wept for Rat and all those little lectures so often laughed at." "Yes, within the dark confines of his miserable cell, a new Toad was born." "A reformed Toad, a repentant Toad." "In a flood of remorse, he vowed, once and for all, to forsake the follies of the primrose path." "Never, never again would he give way to those mad, foolish manias that had brought him to this sorry end." "Being as it's Christmas, you're allowed a visitor." " Your grandma's here." " Grandma?" "Oh, merry Christmas, sonny." "Granny wouldn't forget her little Toady boy." "Cyril." "Cyril." "Look, Christmas gift." "What is it?" "Don't you get it?" "A disguise." "Now, all you've got to do is just put on this natty little costume and..." "Alas for good intentions." "Toad was incurable." "One whispered word, and all his high resolve vanished in the mad whirl of this new adventure, this new mania: escape." "Toad's escaped." "Halt!" " Oh, good evening, ma'am." " Good evening to you, officer." "We're merrily, merrily, merrily Merrily, merrily on..." "Yeah." "Oh, begging your pardon, my lady, but you..." "Hey!" "I say, you fellows over there, you see him?" "Gad." "What perfectly ripping luck." "Trap Toad, would they?" "Never." " There he goes." " Where?" "Where?" "Over there." "Blockheads." "Let them scour the countryside." "Once more, J. Thaddeus Toad had the last laugh." "That same Christmas Eve, along the riverbank, the name of Toad was banned from conversation, lest the memory of his disgrace becloud the merriment of the season." "And yet there was one home, at least, in which two loyal hearts still held the warmth of Christian charity." "Bless this good food we are about to enjoy." "Bless us, every one." "And bless poor Toad." "And may he get time off for good behaviour." "Why, it's a poor old lady." "Let's take her over by the fire." " Toad." " Toad." "What are you doing here?" " Well, I was just sort of..." " Well, this is a merry Christmas." "But aren't you afraid of the police?" "Afraid of the police?" "I, Toad, afraid of the police?" " Open up." "Open up, I say." " The police." "Hide me." "Hide me, Ratty." "Sorry, Toad, but you owe a debt to society, and you've got to pay." "Mole, let them in." " But, Ratty, don't you think maybe...?" " Open the door." " MacBadger." " MacBadger." "Hi, lads." "I've just made a very important discovery." "Toad Hall is ablaze with lights." "And in possession, a pack of weasels." "And the leader of the gang is none other than Mr..." "Winky." "Hip, hip..." "Hooray." "And so you see, he did trade Toad Hall for the motorcar." "Then Toad was innocent all the time." "Aye, lads." "And if he were only here right now..." " Toad." " Angus." "Sorry, Toad." "I misjudged you." "I hope, someday, you'll find it in your heart..." "Not another word." "To err is human." "To forgive..." "Thaddeus, not so fast." "You're still guilty in the eyes of the law." "To prove your innocence, we've got to get that paper away from Winky." "Now, I have a plan." "We'll sneak in through the secret tunnel." "It was an excellent plan." "Cunningly contrived, but extremely dangerous." "It would work only if each did his part." "There was no margin for error." "The odds against them were tremendous, but the stakes were high." "But now, steady is the word." "One false move, and four lives hang in the balance." "Careful, lads." "There is a guard." "I'll pop him off." " Stop it." " Stop, Toad." "Don't shoot." "Who goes there?" "That was a close one." "Trust Toad to start things off on the wrong foot." "Well, no turning back now." "Nothing for it but to push on." "What new and greater perils lay ahead, no one could say." "But with Toad already getting out of hand, anything could happen." "Oh, look." "They're all asleep." "Nay, lads." "They're drunk." "They've been hitting the bottle." " But where's Winky?" " There he is." "He's got the paper on him." "We'll have to climb up on the balcony." "The paper." "It's gone." "Get him, you blokes!" "Get him!" "I beg your pardon." "Moley." "Moley." "Moley, over here." "Get him." "After it." "Just one more." "There he is." "Get him." "Where's Moley?" "Well, laddies, we saved our skins, but we did not get the deed." " Well done, Thaddeus." " Hip, hip:" "Hooray." "And so it was a happy ending after all." "Of course, Toad's friends were dreadfully proud of him." "And why not?" "He was a new Toad now, completely reformed." "Through with gypsy carts and motorcars forever." "And so on this happiest of New Year's, a toast was in order." "To the New Year, and:" "To the new Toad." "Hello, you fellows." "Come." "I'll show you the world." "Travel, change, excitement." "And that was the fabulous Thaddeus Toad." "But let's weigh ourjudgement carefully, we moles and rats and badgers." "Really, now, don't we envy him a bit?" "I know I do." "And so when we speak of fabulous characters, the most fabulous of all will always be..." "To me, at least." "...the master of Toad Hall."