"I'm just trying to pay this really hi water bill right now, so..." "Sorry." "We didn't want to disturb you." "That's why we invented the..." "Spoooooon." "Spoooooon." "It's okay." "Come in, take whatever you want." "Oh." "Sorry." "Okay, take some popcorn." "Hey, where are my ribs?" "Ribs, ribs, ribs, ribs, ribs, ribs" "Ribs, rs, ribs, ribs..." "Those were your ribs?" "I'm sorry." "They were only boile hadn't even barbecued them yet." "Oh, well, I dipped 'em in some maple syrup." "And they were fantastic." "Oh, I'm sensing from the look on your fa that those were important ribs." "It's cool." "I was just gonna bring a couple to work so the head chef of the restaurant could taste my recipe." "And the rest were fowhen the guys come over to watch the game." "You ate all those ribs by yourself?" "Well, my cravings have gotten out of control lately." "I only ate a couple ribs, and then the baby was, like, "Eat them all."" "That's cool." "It'sot cool with me." "As soon as that baby's born, it os me a rack of ribs." "Okay, little higher, 'cause you're freaking me out." "It's so peaceful here." "Noiant utensils." "No 22-year-olds taking 45-minute showers, running up my water bill." "No dares, contests, challees related to the tushy." "Just calm, peacefume time." "Still more relaxed than I am at home." "This thing was way cheap on Craig's Lis" "This is a used toilet?" "I mean this thing is low-flow, super-green." "Every time you flush it, a spotted owsings "We Are the Champions."" "Yeah, whatever, man." "Now shut up and open the door." "Hello?" "Hey, I'm sorry to bother you, but" "I locked myself t of the apartment, and I need to get my ef's coat, and I'm already late." "I'm in the middle of something." "Can you please bring me the key?" "I'll meet u downstairs." "I..." "I just don't want to get fired." "Okay, I'll be right there." "Bye." "I got to go." "I only did one side." "Well, at lst it's my good side." "She's on her way." "Oh, here you go." "I'm doneith this section." "So, you left halfway through your waxing, d now it looks like a seven?" "Or, from my point of view, an L." "And the really greatart is, is I can't get another appointment until next week." "Oh, well, none's gonna see it anyway." "I finally had and it got ruined by my live-in man-child." "He was so cuwhte en he first moved in." "Now he's jt an annoying roommate who happened to give me the gift ofife." "I'm so happy." "Hey, gorgeous." "Honeymoon over?" "No, everything's fine." "I'm happy." "See?" "I'm smiling." "Hey, you know when we were going ou" "I used to talk about getting a place in Napa?" "Well, I have finally decided to do it." "Oh, goy." "I've narrowed it down to two places." "Both of them have small vineyards, so the question is... red or white?" "Just do what I do with skirts." "Just buy 'emoth and return the one that makes your ass ok big." "JAMES:" "Yes." "I know, ch guy asking for advice on buying a vineyard." "Easy target." "But you know why I can laugh with you?" "Because at thend of this, I'm going to own a vineyard." "Oh, remember the days when my biggest problem was listening to my successful, gorgeous boyfriend prattle on about things n one relates to?" "I was jealous of you then." "Now, not so much." "What?" "What?" "Turn the light off!" "Okay, okay." "Get out!" "Okay." "All right." "What the hell wathat about?" "!" "I'm sorry!" "I'm sorry!" "I thought you were asleep in your bed." "The pillows were arranged in aery Billie-like way, and I thought they were eathing." "I swear the pillows were breathing!" "Why were you even in my bathroom to begin with?" "Mine not working." "It's in transition." "Holy crap." "I wanted to install a low-flow toilet because of the water bill." "Did I know you were doing th?" "No, because I wanted to surprise you, so surprise." "Why isn't the toilet where the hole is?" "I don't want to get into complicated plumbing terms right now, but it turns out," "I do not know how to insta a toilet." "Well..." "ll..." "This is just it, I mean." "Therare boundaries, and not peeing on me is one of them, I think." "You know, when I lived with Davis, it wasn't such an uptight atmosphere." "I'm not uptight." "You peed on me!" "I would just like to point out that when you ate my ribs, I was coolbout it." "And you were all, "Ohthose were your ribs?"" "Give me a break." "Who do you think put them in there, the Rib Fairy?" "If those ribs are so frickin' portant, why don't you put a Post-it on it?" "Say, "Important Ribs, do not eat!"" "Because I don't know where you keep the Post-its!" "Oh!" "Ta-da!" "Oh, look." "Hey!" "Wow!" "Ooh!" "There are pink ones, yellow ones, and, oh, this one's shaped lika pumpkin for Halloween." "And there's your extra key!" "Oh, look what I found, a fugitive rib; it escaped." "The luckiest rib in the world." "What I was trying to s before you had your sarcasm party is if this happened with Davis, my not-make-a-big-deal out-of-everything friend, we would laugh." "We would towel off fir-- we're not animals-- but then we would laugh." "It would be a funny story for years to come!" "Oh, I can laugh!" "Good times, bro!" "Yeah, ok." "What?" "!" "I still reallyave to pee." "Use your flo hole!" "(laughs):" "You peed on her." "Li I was putting out a fire." "Then we got in this big fight." "Oh, my, and I said some things, my friends." "Things I regret... but which were also kind of funny." "But she deserved it." "She knew those were my ribs and she ate them anyway." "She ate our ribs?" "!" "And this is how I find out?" "Oh, it is on." "Yeah!" "What could we do?" "How could we get her back?" "What of hers can we eat?" "Does she have a cat or somhing like a cat?" "The crazy thing is, it all started with me just trying to help her out." "Instead, I just pissed her off." "she's going to cut you out of her life." "She wouldn't do that." "It could happen, man." "Then, you know, your baby grows up and you don't know her." "And then one night, you randomly hook up th her in Vegas." "Then you put it together the nextorning." "You're like "Ew!" "I just made out with my hot baby!" Aah!" "Yeah." "It's likOedipus Rex all over again." "You know what?" "I need to go back and smooth things over, fix the toilet, and by the time the game starts, it'll be like nothing everappened." "You peed on her." "Ladies." "Oh." "So what's the latest with the vineyard?" "Well, I went with whitwine because it hit me:" "I enjoy fish and chicken." "Then it turns out that the vineyard is infested with these bugs that spread Pierce's Disease." "That's like herpes for grapes." "Are none of God's creatus spared?" "But I don't mean to bore you with my little problems." "I miss your proble." "And I miss you helping me solve them." "Life was so much simpler withames." "We only saw each other on the weekends, from many different angles." "And if something he did anyed me," "Sunday night would come so fast, I'd be like, "Ah, forget it."" "I would just push my problems down underneath my other sff." "You know, deepnside, all healthy-like." "You're just feelin nostalgic about him becausyou had a fight with Zack." "And I don't see why you're so upset about ." "That's normal in relationship." "There is nothing normal about what I'mn." "Did you tell her about my half-a-wax?" "I don't talk to her unless you're here." "Just tell us what happened with Zack." "Zack peed on me." "Is that a metaphor, like "he peed on your dreams"?" "Nope, he actually peed on me." "Well, that needs to be consensual." "How did that even happen?" "He was trying to install this low-flow toilet he bought, cause he takes such long showers, and our water bill is big." "Soe was being thoughtful?" "Not the way I'm saying it." "Okay, ay." "I think I see what's going on here." "Fantastic." "You're totally and utterly wrong." "w we're on to something." "I mean, most of the times when Nick and I fight, things look to me like ty're Nick's fault." "But then it turnout, I was the one whstarted the grease fire and left for Pilates." "Who wants makeup ribs?" "Ooh." "I heard "makeup" and I was like "nome."" "Then I heard "ribs" and I was like "me!"" "Is that pota salad?" "Half a gallon." "Can you have my baby next?" "That was really cool of you." "Look, our living situation's going to take some getting used to, you know?" "I mean, there's our age difference." "And you're a guy and I'm a girl." "We have different perspectives." "And, uh, you know, when I thoug about everything that happened, there is a possibility that you were just being sweet and I was overreacting." "So, I'm sorry." "Me, too." "Come on." "I want to show you something." "Let's finish this before they get back." "She's a little loud." "But she only uses 1.6 gaons per flush." "I don't know how that compares, but a guy's never gotten me a toilet before." "Thank you." "It has to cycle once or twice, but in the end, saves a lot of money." "Guwho sold it to me said it could suck down a squirrel." "Great." "Potato salad works on pizza." "Of course it does." "Hey, we're going to watch the game if you want to join us." "Sounds like a wonderful idea." "So, what's the sco?" "Seven-seven." "Dudes." "What, did I miss someing funny?" "Nope, just a funny score." "What's so funny about seven?" "Seven?" "You saw and you told them?" "That your putting green looks like a seven!" "Dude, was that not public knowledge?" "You saw that and you told your buddies about it?" "!" "Did you know that the reason I have a seven down there in the first place is because you don't know how a key works?" "If that's what caused your seven then Ion't know how a key works, either." "You know, I thought you and I were becoming friends." "I mean, Davis and Ryanon't care if I say stuff about them." "Like Davis has an unusually long uvula or Ryan sleeps with a body pillow." "Dude!" "I like to cuddle." "You know what?" "I take it back." "I take back what I saibefore." "I wasn't overreacting." "This is humiliating." "Yeah, but this is how me and my friends are with each other." "like it, then we'll jusleave." "Maybe you should." "Fine." "Come on,uys." "Let's get out of here." "I said, "Come on, guys." "Let's get out of here."" "Don't forget the potato salad." "Yeah." "Don't you dare take that bowl." "Thank you for a lovely evening." "Hey, rich guy." "How's the vineyard coming?" "Oh, I sold it to the guy that runs the Sacramento Ledge" "Sucker." "You know, I realized something." "You and I never foht when we were together." "No, we didn't." "Well, except for that last really big one." "My God, don't remind me." "I want to get married." "Wah, wah, wah." "'Cause a lot of peoplsay it promotes intimacy." "I try not to fight." "I've got two simple rules that I live by:" "keep all my blood inside my body and have as many orgasms as possible." "And anyone who's doing anything else is doing it wrong." "'Cause at the end of the day, we're real all alone." "You got to look ou for number one." "I don't think I heard thisspeech whe" "There's a reason for that." "I don't want to bust your theory, but, you know, there's a lot of people who don't want to be alone." "being with someone else takes a lot of work, you know?" "But for the record," "I'm rooting for you." "So, back to the van." "Yeah." "She only gets three miles per gallon, but she's not pregnant and she's not a pain in my ass." "Dude, when you stormed out of her place earlier, why didn't you just move back in with me?" "I don't know." "I didn't really think about it." "Man!" "We used to spend, like, 24 hours a day together." "Now, it's, like, 12 ps." "Dude, I'm freaking out." "You have no idea." "And it's-it's not just the baby." "I mean, I've never lived with a woman before." "I'm flipping out." "I'm sorry, dude." "I don't mean to pile on." "Listen... no matter how much I ignore you, or abuse you, or make fun of you your face... you're my best friend." "Best friends are like Supreme Court pointments." "You can't lose that job until u retire or die." "Sweet, man." "A job you caot get fired from." "That is tailor-made for moi." "Uh, well, you know wt?" "If it doesn't work out with these new people, you've always got a warm bed at Chez Davis." "Thanks, man." "That means a lot." "So can I stay at your place tonight?" "No." "You know, Ryan's brothers are inown." "I don't even think I'm staying at my place tonight." "Crap, where am I staying tonight?" "Ribs,ribs,ribs, ribs, ribs..." "Oh, my God!" "You just kicked!" "You did it again!" "Let's check under the hood and ma sure everything's still like the pictures in theooks I studied in med school." "Oh, my God." "What?" "Is everythg okay?" "Uh, yeah." "You know you got a seven down here?" "I forgot, I had this waxing appointment and then..." "Hey, no need to explain." "You're talking to a doctor, okay?" "I've seen thousands of patients." "I'm a professional." "Sync By YesCool"