"Hello, Peter, it's Geoffrey Barkway." "I wonder if you are available." "I'd like you to speak at my conference on human justice." "Tell me honestly, does my bum look big in this?" "I prefer the pinstripe." "Now, ties." "What about classic green or this rather happening yellow number?" "What do we think?" "If you don't get a move on you'll miss the conference." "All right!" "OK." "You have yourself a very, very well-deserved holiday." "Thank you, I will." "I hope the speech goes well." "Thanks." "Lyle, don't forget the good name of Kingdom  Kingdom lies in your hands." "And in Scott's." "You may need to be quite firm." "Don't worry, cometh the hour, cometh the man, and I ameth the man." "Ahoy, shipmates!" " Bon voyage, Mr Snell." " Wait for me!" " What are you doing?" " I wouldn't want to miss the party, would I?" "It's a conference, Simon, a serious conference." "(Starts car)" "I'd like to begin by welcoming you to this keynote presentation on the essentially universal subject of human justice." "Given by a small-town solicitor from Market Shipborough." "(Bicycle bell rings)" "And remember, best behaviour, Simon." "Ah, Peter!" "Susan, you remember Peter Kingdom, don't you?" "Yes, of course!" "How very nice to see you again." "And you, Mrs Barkway." "Um, go ahead, my dear, I'll be along shortly." "Hello, Mrs Barkway." "And Simon!" "Something of a surprise." "I heard you were dead." " Funny, I heard the same about you." " No, no, no, very much of the living." "Well, "As a dog returneth to his vomit," I suppose." "Um, Professor, I was rather hoping we might discuss my speech." "Of course, of course." "I've had the porters prepare your old rooms." "Come and see me when you've unpacked." "(Hums happily)" "(Rock music blares)" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Hey!" "(Music off)" " Keep the noise down." "This is a place of work and I'm in charge, so you do as I say." " Mind if I make some calls?" " Whatever." "No sex lines." "PROFESSOR BARKWAY:" "Janet, please, we must discuss this sensibly." "Janet, please, the research." "Look, you can't keep running away." "Come on, Janet, be reasonable." "We have a duty to resolve this." " It's for the good of the college." " We both know it's nothing of the sort!" "You'll get nothing from me." "Scott?" "Coffee!" "Black, two sugars." " Try rebooting the whole system." "(Another phone rings)" " Luke Skywalker mug." " OK, I'll call you back." "And a custard cream." "(Rock music)" "Scott, will you keep the noise down!" "(Music off)" " Get your own coffee." "I'm not your slave." "(Gentle chimes)" " Sherry?" " Thank you." "Dinner tonight at High Table and tomorrow we start the conference bright and early at ten." "The college has suffered something of a minor tragedy." "Three weeks ago, Dr Mary Goodyear, head of our biology department, died while on a marine expedition in the South Pacific." "Yes, I read about it." "Dr Goodyear's research was of the very first order, you understand." "But when I came to examine her papers after her death, it soon became clear that sections of the research were missing." "Goodness!" "What, you mean stolen?" "No, no, no, no, nothing like that." "It's this bloody librarian, Janet Cramer." " And she is?" " Dr Goodyear's partner." " Research partner?" " Good Lord, no, she's not got the brains for that." "Her lesbian life partner." "It turns out Janet Cramer's got the bulk of the research squirreled away somewhere and won't give it back." "Says it's hers, not ours." "I really can't be dealing with these people, you know." "What, lesbians?" "Librarians." "Oh." "Awful, small-minded, orderly, finicketty little nobodies, stuck away in their dusty, desiccated bloody towers." "That research has to be returned to its rightful place." "It's for the good of the college." "Scientists have been waiting two decades for it to be published." "I've tried to reason with her but she won't listen to me." "Thinks I'm some antiquated ogre." "But she might listen to you." "I see..." "Tell me, when exactly does your nomination for Master come up?" "Peter!" "SCOTT:" "Being a lawyer's easy, there's nothing to do." "You and I need to have a little chat." "Someone to see you." " Good morning." " It's my cats." "They need to be looked after when I'm gone." " Right." "Come through." "(Phone rings)" "Don't worry, boss, I'll hold your calls." "Have a seat, Mrs erm?" " Er..." "Compton!" " We'll see what we can do for you." "Maybe we could set up a trust fund so they're provided for." " What?" " A trust fund." "So that they are provided for." "Of course they are!" "Every morning, regular." "Minnie has her milk warmed but Sandrine doesn't." "Fresh from the fridge or she turns her nose up at it." "The boys have their Crackles in the morning and the ladies in the afternoon, and that is important, and you should write this down, young man." "Use your mouse." "Mrs Compton, I understand." "Leave it with me." "(Knocks on door)" "Hi." "Tell me something, Peter, when did this Mary Goodyear die, exactly?" " Three weeks ago." " The same time Barkway invited you to speak at his conference." "Thank you, and good morning." "And welcome all to our conference on human justice." "Bunking off class?" "That isn't like you." " Going to a rave or something?" " No, the library." " Miss Cramer, please..." " Let me get this straight." "Barkway has seen that intimidating me personally doesn't work." "So now he's sent his poodle to do the job instead." "Really, Miss Cramer, I am nobody's poodle." "Flat-coated retriever, possibly, but poodle, no!" "Professor Barkway merely..." "Barkway doesn't have a leg to stand on and he knows it." "Mary left the work to me." "All of it." " What, she put that in her will?" " Of course." "The funeral was four days ago." "We buried an empty coffin." " Were you there?" " No." "No, because you didn't know her." "Let alone spend 15 years of shared life with her." "And yet here you are, demanding her work, demanding her papers, anything she left behind." ""Come on, hand it over!"" "As if it's your right!" "It isn't!" "Is that clear?" "Very clear." "Miss Cramer, we've clearly got off on the wrong foot here." "Poodle or no, all we wanted was a chat." "Maybe we could have one over a cup of tea." "With buns?" "Cake?" "Cream?" "I know a place." "Mr Matthews, thank you for bringing it round." "I'll be right with you." " How come it looks like it's melted?" " It's a G-Wizz." "Well, gee whizz." "It's an electric car." "Totally green." "Zero carbon footprint after manufacture." "It looks like a handbag." "Bet it really pulls the birds." "I'm going out." "You stay here and do absolutely nothing." "(Mobile rings)" " Just a minute." "Hello." "Millington Tech Support." " Make yourself comfortable, my boy." " Oh, yes!" "There we are." "Ho-ho!" "It's driving like a dream, Mr Matthews." "Like most people of genius, Mary had a grand theory." "So..." "Thank you." "Mary spent 20 years trying to model plankton population, so that we could work towards re-seeding the deserted areas of the ocean." "You're talking about fish food." "Plankton can also absorb carbon dioxide from the atmosphere, Mr Kingdom." "Re-seed even a fraction of the Pacific and you could stop global warming in its tracks." " Reverse it." " Gosh!" "Gosh!" "That is why Barkway wants to get his hooks into it." "But, Miss Cramer..." "Oh, please call me Janet, since you are buying me cakes and everything." "Janet, all Professor Barkway intends is to publish Mary's research." "Isn't that exactly what she would have wanted?" "Don't you think I'm a better judge of that than anyone else?" "So, you're going to publish it yourself?" " No." " Why not?" "That's really none of your business." "(Tractor horn plays Dixie)" "Just pull over here, Mr Anderson, and let's talk a little business." "What about instalments?" "I could maybe find a deposit." "No, these things are selling like hot cakes." "I don't really do credit." "Look, you're a lawyer, right, like Mr Kingdom?" "That's right, yes." "My son David and his girlfriend are looking to buy their own place, and I was thinking I might like to help them, by lending them the money." "Very generous spirited of you." "So, look, why don't you do me a nice quick loan agreement, watertight, and I will let you buy a Whizz." "An agreement that David can't get out of, that ties him down." "If you want the car, I'm the only one round here who can help you." "So, you'll be wanting to say yes." "It's a deal!" "(Hums happily)" "Yeah, mate, just click Accept and you're done." "The PayPal account's Millington Consultants." "OK, bye." " What are you doing?" "(Sighs) I need a Wii." "What?" "No-one's stopping you." "No, a Nintendo Wii." "Seventh generation games console." "But it's pricey, so I need to make some cash." " Doing what?" " Tech support." ""Too thick or old to work your PC?" "Millington Associates are here to help."" "Not out of this office." "It could be worth your while." "I could cut you in." "No way." "You need a Whizz, I need a Wii." "That's a perfect match." "Lovely melty car could be all yours." "All right." "But my cut comes off the top." "No more loud music and you make the coffee." " Deal?" " Done!" "Of course she's going to publish it herself." "Well, she seemed very clear that she wasn't." " And you believed her?" " That is neither here nor there." "Legally, she can do what she likes." "Dr Goodyear's will leaves all the research to her." "Then we must contest the will." "This is the curse of the ethical being, Peter." "The papers should be published." "They could be published if we had them." "Another man would simply take them and cut the Gordian knot in a moment." " Uh..." " And yet our own ethics, our code of conduct forces us to do nothing." "If only... if only there was another way!" "There's the matter of you pulling your weight." "Time for Millington  Anderson to diversify." "Anderson  Millington, and I've already had an idea, actually." "Free quotation on our will preparation service." "This week only, no appointment necessary." " Quarter page in the local paper." " I like!" "(Phone rings)" "Anderson  Millington, how may I direct your call?" "Hello, Scott?" "Lyle?" "I'm sorry, who is this?" "Er, it's Scott." "Sorry, it's a bad line." " Is everything all right?" " Yeah, everything's fine." "Got to go!" "(Dial tone)" "(Owl hoots)" "(Hums to classical music)" "Mm." " Oh, where have you been?" " Oh, out on the tiles." "And I had a little look around Janet Cramer's rooms." "Simon!" "Just, you know, to see if I could cut the Gordian knot." "By breaking and entering?" "!" "Oh, that's what we do now, is it?" "Not breaking and entering, more easing and entering." "That's not the point." "The missing research wasn't there, but this was." "Mary Goodyear's will." "Don't worry, it's a photocopy." "Cramer won't know." "That is so far from being my objection to what you've done here, Simon." "There's no mention of research." "No mention of intellectual property." "The will says nothing about these things." "Janet Cramer's been lying to us." "(lntercom buzzes)" "Yes?" "Someone to see you." "Have you seen our PayPal account?" "Not bad." "Not bad at all." "You!" "You're Kingdom?" "Er?" "You are what kind of an idiot?" "You come along and all is ruined!" "You cheap arse-bastard!" " Fantastic!" " I'm sorry, who are you?" "I am Ylsa." "I am David's girlfriend." "David, whose life you are screwing over, arse-bastard!" " David?" " David Matthews." "You know, the son of the melty-car salesman." "Yes, David Matthews." "What is this, with the "Daddy will buy you a house, David." "Here's all the money, David"?" "Vad i helvete!" "Perhaps you'd like to come into the office." "No, no, no, you silly little man." "There's nothing more to say here." "Faente jaevle!" "(Phone rings)" " Anderson  Millington." "Could you hold one moment, please?" "Arse-bastard!" "You lied to us." "What if I did?" "She wanted me to have it, that's all that matters." "I'm sure there must be a... a nice photograph or something you could remember her by." "Don't patronise me!" "The work is what she was." "Nobody knows it better than I do." "You know her work?" "Well, did you help her?" "Indexing, cataloguing." "Data analysis." "She thought it was boring but I thought it was... like reading a really good mystery story." "Now it's all that I have left of her." "It's mine." "If she put nothing down in writing, I'm afraid the college..." "What if she did, put it down in writing?" "Here." "Her own words." "Are you happy now?" "(Reads) The whole of the past 20 years has been for nothing." "Don't let them read it and laugh, don't let them remember me as a fool." "Please, Janet, burn it." "Burn all of it." "Oh..." "The er... accident." "The Pacific was where she spent her life." "She loved it there." "She just chose to stay." "Well, Mr Kingdom do you think Barkway will be so keen to get his hands on his precious research when he finds out it's worthless?" " She did what?" " Mm." "It turns out that Mary Goodyear's accident wasn't so accidental." "She stepped off that boat deliberately." "But why?" "Well, the greatest breakthrough of the last 20 years may not exist." "No." "This is neither here nor there." "That research is college property and it must be returned." "Her wishes are clear, Professor." "She wants it destroyed." "Peter, I go before the nominations committee for the Mastership at the end of the week." "I need those papers." "If the research is worthless, it's worthless." "But it belongs here." "(Gasps)" "(Moans)" "There!" "You feeling much better now, yes?" "Oh, definitely." "(Bubbling)" "(Light dance music)" " And now your nails." "No, I don't think we need to..." "Oh, yes!" "Is very fashionable now for men, you see." "OK." "Ylsa, help me out here." "You don't want David's parents to help you buy a house?" "It's not help." "It's a trick." " A trick?" " They offer a lot of money." "Enough to buy a big house." "Patio doors, everything." " And that's bad because?" " Because we cannot afford to pay that back." "So, ever-so-kind Mr Matthews says that David can work in his car company." "Be a manager, earn plenty, you see?" "And then we are just mouse racing." "You mean you're caught in the rat race." "It's what I said." "(Humming)" "Mrs Compton's here, and she's not alone." "(Meowing)" "There he is!" "Such a good boy." "Mrs Compton, you didn't need to bring them with you." "What am I going to do with them, I said, and he said, "Leave them all with me, Mrs C, I'll take care of them."" "No, I said leave it with me." "I'll take care of it." "The trust fund?" "It's such a relief knowing, when I'm gone, they'll be safe." "It's not long now, you know, and they'll miss me so." "But I've said my goodbyes." "You be kind to them, my boy, and bless you." "Bless you!" "All right." "Erm..." "I think we can handle this." "This isn't as bad as it seems." "I am going to go and get kitty litter and - argh!" " Some cat food." "You erm..." "You hold this." "Erm..." "Put that..." "And erm... think of something." "(Trolley rattles)" "So, young man, how is my loan agreement coming along?" " It's all in hand." " Yeah?" "Let's get it wrapped up, then, shall we?" "The sooner it's sorted, the sooner I can get you an electric car." "(Chuckles)" "(Mobile rings)" "Hello." "Erm..." "Er..." "Right, wait, wait." "Er..." "What's the address again?" "OK." "I'll see you there." "(Sings along to i-Pod)" "Mr Anderson." "Of Kingdom Solicitors?" "I'm David Matthews." "Ylsa's boyfriend." " Hello." " Look, my break's in a couple of minutes." "I need to talk to you." "Could you hang about?" "Sure." "We've been saving ever since we met, but it's never going to be enough, and without a place of our own, I can't ask her to marry me, can I?" "And then we can't have babies, and we have to have... we have to have babies, Mr Anderson, we really do." "Right." "But with Dad's money it's all so... simple." "But then you'd have to pay it back." "You'd just be... mouse racing." "I know, I know!" "I..." "I don't know what to do!" "Look, could you talk to my dad, try and make him understand?" "Please?" "(Sighs)" "Simon?" "Simon!" "You've got my bloody speech!" "It's very..." "lkea." "I know." "Cottage hospitals have a blind spot when it comes to decor." "So, um, what's involved?" "Mainly holding my hand." "Telling me to breathe." "Getting me ice chips." "All women during labour have to have ice chips." "Cutting the cord, if you want to." "Are you squeamish with tripe-ier side of things?" "I cleaned a fish once." "You could always go to the butcher's, ask if you could practise." "Just don't go fainting, OK, stealing all my thunder." " You wanted some biscuits?" " Thanks very much, thank you." "(Whimpering)" "There you go." "The only thing I can get away with in here." "Bea, are you sure you wouldn't rather have Peter?" "He's..." "He's much more solid in a crisis." "More reliable." "And I'm... not." "Oh, I know." "When I came back..." "Peter didn't just take me in and put up with me." "He made me feel like I was important." "Like I was needed." "I didn't know how much I needed to be needed." "Until I was." " And now I need you." " You need me?" "Yes." "Pager." "When it goes off you have to be there." "No excuses this time, OK?" "You have to be there." "OK." " Peter!" " Auriel." " What on earth are you doing here?" " Having my Anais Nin erotica rebound." "It sees a lot of wear, I'm afraid." "And you?" "Let's have a cup of tea and I'll tell you all about it." "Cup of tea, be blowed!" "This is Cambridge." "You're not very good at this, are you?" "Where is Simon when you need him?" "Well, something came up, apparently." "Oh, I imagine so." "I wouldn't normally mind but this time he's gone off with my speech." "Others go through life paying the penalty, but not Simon, oh no." " He just strolls blithely through..." " Excuse me!" " Erm, Peter..." " Sowing discord." " Peter, look out!" " Oh, I'm sorry!" "Oh!" "Oh, crikey, I do apologise." "I'm so sorry." "Sorry!" "He's just a beginner. (Laughs)" "You see?" "You nearly got me in then." "The librarian and this Dr Goodyear, they're lesbians, you say." "Yes." "I was a lesbian once." "It didn't really take." "(Toy squeaks)" "Excuse me." "Excuse me, please." "Thank you." "Scott, Peter's going to be back tomorrow." "What the bloody hell's going on?" "They keep coming, there's more round the back." "Anderson  Millington." "Free will preparation service, no appointment necessary?" "No, no, no." "It's just the quotation that's free, not the service." " Get them to print a retraction." " I don't think you can." " Well, we'll have to." " But isn't that like breach of contract?" "False advertising?" "Basically, won't it drop you in the shit with Peter?" "What do we do?" "I don't care who get it, as long as none of it go to that bitch!" "I think you'd better write some wills." "Peter!" "Where have you been and, more to the point, where's my bloody speech?" "Oh, erm..." "Sorry, I..." "I needed to write something down." "I'll iron it out." "This research, everybody's dancing around it like a handbag at an Essex wedding." "It's at the centre of everything." " I think it's time we took a look." " Why else do you think I'm here?" "G, right." "Yes!" "Goodyear, you see?" "Hidden in plain view." "The last place that Professor Barkway would ever look is in one of his - how did he put it?" " Dusty, desiccated bloody libraries." "Um, does this look like marine biology to you?" ""My dearest Mary..." Yada, yada, yada." "Er..."All my love, Godfrey."" "No, it's not Godfrey, that's Geoffrey." "This is Professor Barkway's handwriting." "Oh." "Just so we're clear on this." "If Mary Goodyear was sleeping with Barkway, doesn't that make her about the worst lesbian ever?" "Thank you for choosing us for your will-writing needs." "And do remember she likes her milk tepid, all right?" "Thanks." "Bye now." " How many more are there?" " Loads." "Right." "Sort them into easy ones we can do with a form and the tricky ones." "Send the tricky ones in to me." "And remember..." " Nobody leaves here without a cat." " OK." "Marriage in trouble?" "Cat's a shared interest." "Farm not doing so well?" "Cat keeps down the vermin." " Stay on message." " Yeah." "Right, who wants a cat?" "Ah, Peter." "I must say I'm looking forward to your keynote speech this afternoon." "Susan and I will be in the front row." "Yes." "You don't actually have to humour me with this fiction about keynote speeches." "We both know perfectly well why you wanted me here." "Janet Cramer, by the way, knew nothing about them." "She was still going through the research, getting up to date." "She had no idea about this." "(Clock chimes gently)" "Would you like a sherry, Peter?" "Thank you." "I wasn't even sure she would have kept them." "They're love letters, of course, from me to her." "Yes." "Mary and I..." "It was the '70s, you see." "Well, of course." "The thrill of an illicit liaison for the married tutor." "A walk on the wrong side of the lesbian tracks for the feminist biologist." "Neither of us wished it known." "And, frankly, even after all this time," "I thought if the matter was to come to light, it would be..." "Bad for the college?" "Yes." "Bad for the college." "Well, they're yours." "They have nothing to do with the research." "Nobody knows." "And nobody need ever know." "Pretend it never happened, you mean?" "Well, it's one option." "But not the one you'd choose." "You've spent your life considering right and wrong." "You taught me how to weigh that balance when I was 19 years old." "You don't need me now to help you come to a decision about what to do." "(Door opens)" "(Door closes)" "Take it easy, they're pretty nippy." "Ah, Lyle, my boy." "Have you got something for me?" "I'm afraid not, Mr Matthews." "I spoke to David and Ylsa." "This is an agreement between both parties, so they are my clients, too, and they don't want this." "I thought we understood each other." "I really want that car, Mr Matthews, but I've got to do what is in the best interests of my client and I don't think this loan is in their best interests." "I'm sorry." "David doesn't want to sign any agreement." "I think the best way for us all to proceed would be for you to sit down with your son and have a chat." "An open and honest chat." "Open and honest?" "You do remember what I do for a living, don't you?" "Janet." "Are you all right?" " What's the matter?" " She did it." "She did it but she didn't realise." "It's all in the data, only it wasn't put together properly and I've been through it and it works." "It works, the model works!" "Well, that's..." "She'll be famous." "If only she'd known." "If only she'd waited." "Ohhh." "Ah, Peter, I've spoken to my wife." "How did she take it?" "It's a little early to say." "I do have some news which might..." "Peter, can you hang on just one moment." "There's something I must do." "It won't take long, but I really think I ought to get it over with." "Thank you all for indulging me at such short notice." "During my interview I was asked if there was anything I have done which might bring the college's reputation into question." "At the time I said no." "That wasn't entirely the truth." "Some years ago, I conducted an affair with another academic at this college." "I'm therefore withdrawing my candidacy as Master." "Withdrew your nomination?" "Geoffrey, that's very noble of you." "They refused to accept." "Said my personal life had nothing to do with my qualification to serve the college." "Well, that's true." " Perhaps." "(Clock strikes)" "Five o'clock, we have to get you to your podium." "Tell me this news of yours as we walk." "Good afternoon, Mrs Barkway." "Ladies and gentlemen, I know many of you knew Dr Mary Goodyear." "When Mary died, her work in the Pacific Ocean was on the brink of a tremendous breakthrough, and I'm delighted to be able today to announce that the college will be funding the completion of her research." "It will be supervised by Mary's life partner Janet Cramer, who with great generosity has donated the entirety of Mary's notes and papers to the college." "Miss Cramer, you have our most sincere thanks." "(Mouths)" "(Sighs) Peter will be back soon." "How are we doing?" " Have they all gone?" " Yep, that's the lot." "Thank God!" "So, did you see how much we made from my tech support?" "Mm-hm." " Here." " What's this?" " Your 10%." " 10%?" "We were partners." "Equal partners." "Anderson  Millington, that's 50%." "You're lucky to get 10." "The rest goes to Kingdom  Kingdom and just about covers sorting this mess out." "(Knocking)" "Mr Anderson, I know it's late but I was hoping you'd do something for us." "(David sings) d Someone saw a local boy d Crawl along the shore" "Oh, hello, Ylsa, love." "Hello, Mrs Compton." "Oh, and you've brought that nice Mr Anderson." "He's looking after my cats for me." "I can't take them with me, not where I'm going, you know." "Mrs Compton, where are you going?" "Norwich." "My son's there." "I'm going to live with him." "He's allergic, you see." " Mrs Compton's selling us her house." " And for hardly nothing." "Well, they need a place, see." "You know each other, then?" "Ylsa?" "She's my beautician." "She does my hair and that." "You won't be needing that loan, then?" "No, she's done us proud." "Needs fixing up, but we can do that." "We wanted to ask you if you could sort out the paperwork for us." "As soon as you can." "I want to make babies right now." "Ooh, right." "Erm..." "I'll see what I can do." "You, I want a word with you." "He could have had a proper job." "Made something of himself." "I know." "But what he would have made of himself is is someone else." "Maybe." "Still, they're all right." "And you, you are an honest lawyer." "And that's as rare as hens' teeth." "Not that you'll ever be rich, mind." "But business is business." " Sign." " What?" "There!" "(Engine starts)" "Fantastic!" "Oh, look at you!" "There you are, my beauty!" "Yes, you're mine!" "I'm coming for you!" "Yes!" "Here I am!" "Oh, look at that!" "Beautiful!" "Ohhhh!" "Um..." "Er..." "Lyle..." "What on earth is that?" "That Peter, is the look of the future." "Oh, so the future's kind of melted-looking and about the size of a handbag, is it?" " Quiet week?" " Oh, yes, yeah, very quiet." "Ah." "So, how's Scott been?" " Not too boisterous?" " Sssh!" "Don't wake him." "And the office?" "Er..." "All taken care of." "Good." "Very good." "Well done, Lyle." "(Meowing) - (Laughs nervously)" "Er, yes." "Erm..." "About that..." "I'll..." "Just one second." "What exactly happened just then?" "Peter, there's something I should tell you." "Do you fancy an evening stroll?" "Er..." "This..." "This is a bit weird." "It's just that I've never really been very good at the whole brother thing." "Erm..." "You were there for that, weren't you?" "You were always solid and I think that that's why she maybe wants..." "Sorry, are you planning on making sense at any stage?" "I just don't understand why she didn't pick you." " Why who didn't pick me for what?" "(Pager beeps)" "Erm..." "I think your trousers are trying to tell you something." "Oh." "Oh, my God!" "It can't be now." "What can't be now?" "The baby!" "It's too soon." " Beatrice's baby?" " Yes, it's three weeks early." "Oh!" "Peter." " Can I borrow the Alvis?" " I'll drive." "Where is she?" "No, no, she wants me to go." "Just me." "Oh." "Erm..." "Right." "Thank you."