"Dave, your dinner's on the table." "All right, Mum." "You had to pick a Sunday, didn't you?" "You bring me back to boredom capital of the universe, you pick the one day of the week you can't even get a decent television programme." "As I recall, Ace, we came here at your request." "I just said I wondered what the old gang was up to, that's all." "You didn't have to bring us here." "You could have dropped me up town, I could have phoned." "I just wanted to see what my old mates were up to." "We didn't have to have the guided tour." "Come on, Professor." "So, what's so terrible about Perivale?" "Nothing ever happens here." "Wretched cats!" "Get out of my garden!" "Go on." "Out, out!" "Shoo, shoo!" "How long since I was here?" "You've been away as long as you think you have." "I feel like I've been away forever." "Any particular reason for coming here?" "It's Sunday." "Some of the gang always come up here on a Sunday." "What for?" "Oh, I don't know." "Light a fire, muck about, you know." "Well, I told you it was dull." "You don't have to hang around here." "I'll meet you back at the Tardis if you want." "No, I'm sure I'll find something to interest me." "Maybe they don't come up here any more." "There's no one around, is there?" "Nothing but tin cans and stray cats." "And horses." "Horses?" "In Perivale?" "Don't be stupid." "Show me." "No." "No sport for you here." "No one home." "Are you really fed up?" "Mmm." "Do you mind if I just try down at the youth club?" "Mmm." "Where is everyone?" "Look at this." "We used to have a coffee bar here." "What's happened to the coffee bar?" "I mean, it always was a dump, but at least you could meet people." "Where is everyone?" "Ace?" "Come on, lift his arm!" "Well, go on!" "Go on, lad, what are you waiting for?" "I've beat him, Sarge!" "Oh, you think we're playing games, do you?" "Let's pretend, eh?" "Is that it?" "Is that what you're gonna do to help some villain, some mugger?" "Help him up, dust him down, shake hands?" "Go on!" "That's better." "That's it." "You all right, son?" "Yes, Sarge." "You sure?" "On your feet, then." "You okay?" "Yeah." "Right, you go get cleaned up." "I'll be with you in a minute." "Okay, lads, shake hands, and we'll see you next week, okay?" "Bye now." "What?" "I'd already beat him, Sarge." "Oh, you think I'm too hard, do you?" "Pushing you too hard, am I?" "Have you ever heard of survival of the fittest, son?" "Eh?" "You ever heard of that?" "Life's not a game, son." "I mean, I'm teaching you the art of survival." "I'm teaching you to fight back." "What happens when life starts pushing you around, son, eh?" "What are you gonna do then?" "That's better." "You all right now, eh?" "You all right?" "All right, Sarge." "Good." "Off you go, then." "Survival of the fittest." "Rather a glib generalisation, don't you think?" "Survival for what, Mr...?" "Sergeant Paterson." "You show me a better way of surviving, and I'll give it a go." "Where's everyone else?" "Who you looking for, luv?" "Everyone." "Everyone used to hang around here on Sundays." "It was the only place you could get out of the house and out of the weather." "No, it's self-defence every Sunday afternoon now." "Don't know what happened to the waste..." "Don't I know you from somewhere?" "I don't think so." "Oh, that's right." "The police let you off with a warning, didn't they?" "You were lucky." "Listen, I'm just looking for my friends, okay?" "I don't think you'll have much luck, then." "Ah." "You'll find most of your crowd have moved on." "Moved on to where?" "Well, I think you'd have a better idea of that than me, luv, eh?" "Where have you been hiding yourself?" "Around." "Your mum had you listed as a missing person." "You don't give a toss, do you?" "I don't know, four kids gone missing just this month." "Vanished into thin air." "It's the parents I feel sorry for." "Doesn't cost much to phone, luv." "1 0 pence, that's all." "Come on, Doctor." "I wouldn't be that age again if you paid me, would you?" "I can't remember, it's too long ago." "What a world to be young again in, eh?" "I reckon the only thing you can do is to teach 'em to fight, that way they'll fight or go under." "Half of them go under anyway round here." "Can't save 'em." "Wasters." "Tell me, Sergeant, do you have a problem with strays?" "Stray what?" "Cats." "I wouldn't know." "It's hardly a priority around here." "Come on, Doctor!" "Doctor, eh?" "You're not in the best of shape yourself, though, are you?" "You wanna build yourself up." "I give a class down here Monday nights for the older men." "I've gotta see a man about a cat." "Remember, keep fit and self-defence." "One finger can be a deadly weapon." "Still looks the same." "Dead." "We were the only life there ever was around here." "I should have tried in here first, right?" "I wasn't thinking." "Back in a sec." "Take this Sunday, you think I wanna do it?" "Do you think I wanna do it?" "Do you think I wanna give up my one day of rest to come in here and stand behind a cash register?" "Standing behind a till all day can do your back in." "I saw something about that on the news the other night." "Yeah, law of the jungle, though, right?" "Yeah, survival of the fittest, mate." "I mean, all these other shops are open, aren't they?" "Where do you think we'd be if we didn't join in?" "Down the plughole." "Down the plughole without a paddle, mate." "Can I help you?" "Yes." "Which one do you think they'd prefer?" "What?" "Of these brands, which one do you think our feline friends will find particularly irresistible?" "Well, if you believe the advertisers, this is the one preferred by your cat connoisseur." "And that one has a taste all cat owners, who really care, put in the dish." "Whereas these ones have the smell that drives a tabby cat wild." "No, no, no." "That's an aftershave ad." "Is it?" "Or is it for cars?" "All I know is my Tiger prefers cheese." "Cheese!" "Ah, yes." "It's the law of the jungle now, mate, innit?" "Mmm." "There are these two blokes, right?" "In a tent, in the jungle." "You got another one for me, ain't you?" "Go on then, go on." "It's really dark, and they hear this terrible noise outside the tent." "This terrible roaring noise." "And one bloke turns to the other bloke and he says, "Did you hear that?"" "What?" "I said, "Did you hear that?"" "Oh, right, yeah." ""That was a lion."" "And the other bloke, he doesn't say anything." "He just starts putting on his running shoes." "The other bloke turns to him and says, "What are you doing?" "You can't outrun a lion."" "The bloke turns to him, he says, "I don't have to outrun the lion..."" "Don't get it." "He doesn't have to outrun the lion, only his friend." "Then the lion catches up with his friend and eats him." "The strong survive, the weak are killed." "The law of the jungle." "Oh, yeah." "Very clever." "Yes, very clever, if you don't mind losing your friend." "But what happens when the next lion turns up?" "What next lion?" "I think you'd better get your running shoes on, gentlemen." "Did you find your friends, then?" "No one even remembers them." "I'm sure I've forgotten something." "Oi, haven't you forgotten something?" "Yes." "Money." "No, it wasn't that." "I got lucky on the fruit machine." "Lucky?" "Well, they're all fixed anyway, those machines." "Tiger?" "Psst." "Here, boy." "Tiger?" "Psst, psst, psst." "Len." "What is it?" "Something's eaten Tiger." "Ange!" "Oh, hi, Ace." "I thought you were dead." "What?" "That's what they said, either you were dead or you'd gone to Birmingham." "Who's he?" "Oh, a friend of mine." "Oh." "So you back to see your family?" "No." "So, what are you doing here?" "You're well out of this dump." "Just wanted to see my friends, catch up a bit." "Oh." "So, where is everyone?" "Who?" "Jay?" "Don't know." "Moved over west someplace." "Think he's doing window cleaning, that's what I've heard." "Stevie?" "Oh, he's gone." "Where are they all coming from?" "Flo?" "Married Darth." "Darth Vader, the brain-dead plumber?" "Flo?" "Yeah." "Makes you think, eh?" "What about Shreela?" "Oh, she's gone." "Midge?" "He's gone, too." "Gone?" "What do you mean, gone?" "I don't know." "Gone." "Vanished." "People don't just vanish." "You did." "Yeah, well, that's different." "Is it?" "Yeah." "So, when did they go?" "Don't know." "Last month?" "What?" "Well, Midge and Stevie went last month." "Shreela went last week, they had to scrape her mum off the ceiling." "Funny though, I always thought she got on well with her family." "This doesn't make sense." "That's what I said." "Know what I reckon?" "What?" "UFOs." "They whisk them off and do experiments on them like we do on animals." "Wouldn't fancy cutting Stevie open to see what's inside, would you?" "Come on, give us 1 0 pence, then." "Not a very efficient way to hunt, is it?" "All that noise and pantomime just to slaughter one little animal." "No, if you're gonna hunt, you stalk your prey." "You observe it so you can take it by surprise, and then you don't kill too many." "Cover your tracks, so you don't leave a smell." "Can you smell that?" "Can't." "Hay fever." "What are you talking about, Professor?" "Is something going on here?" "I'm not sure." "Is he...?" "Professor." "When is a cat not a cat?" "When it builds its own cat flap." "Bait, Ace, bait." "Hang on, Professor!" "Show me." "Show me." "Yes, he'll do very well." "I can't believe he said that, you know." "That TA twit." "I reckon that was well out of order. 1 0 pence." "I mean, even if I could've phoned, which I couldn't really, do you think anyone would've listened to me?" "Tin opener." "It was just that time." "Just the whole crowd." "We had a really good laugh." "I can't believe everyone just disappeared." "Professor?" "Tin opener." "Professor?" "Mmm." "Are you listening to me?" "Quiet, Ace, I'm concentrating." "No, you're not the one I'm after." "Shh!" "Quiet!" "Shoo." "Go on, go away." "Go on, shoo!" "Dog, go away!" "Doctor!" "Ace." "Doctor!" "So, they've taken you away, taken you to their planet, but I'll find you." "Got you." "Got you!" "Now, what do you think you're up to?" "Sergeant!" "I've had complaints." "What's it got to do with you?" "Neighbourhood watch!" "I've no time for that, I've gotta catch that cat!" "You're a public nuisance." "Will you leave me go?" "Now, don't be stupid, eh?" "Don't get yourself into real trouble!" "One finger can be a deadly weapon." "Go away!" "Get away from here!" "Get away from here!" "Ace." "Shreela!" "Ace." "You shouldn't have run, they always go for you if you run." "Why don't you come out and we'll talk about this sensibly, hmm?" "Hey, come back!" "Come back here!" "Midge!" "Hi, Ace." "Long time." "Is Stevie here, too?" "He was." "Stevie?" "He's cat food, isn't he?" "Stop it." "This is Derek." "He's doing very well." "He's been here three weeks." "Only got flesh wounds." "We'll have to move on soon." "They hunt at night sometimes." "They can see in the dark." "You can't see them, just their eyes." "Just as well I'm here." "You need some sorting out, you lot." "Got you!" "Get off!" "You stupid..." "Where the hell are we?" "Shut up, and we may survive." "Huh!" "Why, Doctor, what an unexpected pleasure."