"There, isn't that pretty?" "A perfect stack of firewood." "Well, here they are, all washed and folded." "Joanna, which room are you giving to the Ebersols?" "Gee, I don't know." "The Van Buren Room is the nicest, but the fireplace doesn't work." "Yeah, but it has a pretty stack of firewood." "I just want everything to be perfect for them." "I can't wait until they get here." "You know, meeting them just made our trip to London." "I mean, they are absolutely the most fun couple in the whole world." "What do they do?" "Well, Janet's an interior designer, and Sam owns an appliance store." "Say, they sound like fun." "I was thinking ofasking her for some professional advice." "I've been toying with the idea of fixing up my room." "Sometimes it's just a question of the right linoleum." "Guess what I found." "It's a rooster." "It is?" "Yeah." "I thought it was a chicken." "I'm glad you told me." "Yeah, you could have waited along time for eggs." "Where did you find him, Kirk?" "Well, the poor thing must have fallen off the back of a truck." "I saw him there in the middle of the road, flailing around, cars whizzing by." "It was frightening." "How'd you save him?" "Well, I ran out of the cafe, dodging a few speeding cars, scooped him up and ran to safety." "Kirk, that was wonderful." "You actually risked your life for him." "Well, I guess at a time like that, you don't think about yourself." "You see a poor, helpless creature, and something inside says," ""Hey, I have to help."" "Got an ax?" "You're gonna kill it?" "Well, I can't eat it like this." "Kirk, you're not gonna kill that rooster." "It's just a stupid bird." "It's a living thing." "I don't believe in killing living things." "Not even a cockroach?" "A filthy, slimy, disgusting cockroach?" "(SIGHSI" "Okay, maybe a cockroach." "Well, do you know what a cockroach looks like magnified 1,000 times?" "It does not." "Give him to me." "No way." "He's my bird." "Kirk, give me the rooster." "(CLUCKING)" "I'm gonna nurse him back to health." "I'll build him a coop." "They took my rooster." "It's gone, all right." "Hi, hon, where have you been?" "Out buying film." "How many rolls did you buy?" "Forty-four." "You're kidding!" "Well, honey, you know the Ebersols." "I mean, when they're around, the fun comes faster than you can click." "Dick, they're only staying a week." "A jam-packed week." "I made a list of things the four of us can do together." "Forty-four rolls may not be enough." "|'|| get more." "I mean, this is terrific." "People that we're crazy about are spending their vacation at our inn." "Now, I finished all my work, so we're on vacation, too." "I mean, we're really having a great life, Joanna." "Dick, I know you're excited, but, remember, this is their vacation." "I mean, who knows?" "They might wanna rest, take it easy." "What are you saying?" "I'm just saying let's let them set the tone." "Fine." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "SAM:" "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "SAM:" "Sam and Janet!" "Sam and Janet who?" "ALL:" "Sam and Janet Evening!" "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "Joanna!" "Hi!" "Good to see you." "It is great seeing you guys." "It's great to see you." "You look terrific." "Well, so do you." "Did you have any trouble finding the place?" "No, we just looked for the most beautiful inn in Vermont, and then, when we found it, we asked them how to find you." "We've never known anybody who owned a hotel before." "It's kind of like knowing a Hilton." "Hilton?" "He has hotels, too?" "So, are you tired after your big trip?" "Well, you know us." "It's go, go, go." "Well, where to first?" "We thought our room, Dick." "And if it's not nice, we're gonna complain to the manager." "Well, here." "There's your key, and you can get settled." "Oh, look, it's Dick the desk clerk." "Are you also the bellhop?" "(RINGING)" "Now, Sam, I don't want you thinking this is some fleabag hotel where one person does all the work." "Joanna's the bellhop." "Joanna." "Listen, you guys, it's top of the stairs, first room to the right." "Great." "Joanna the bellhop." "We are so excited to be here." "Oh, it's gonna be a trip to remember." "Yeah, we've been looking forward to seeing you guys ever since Paris." "We were with you in London." "Yeah, but we didn't start missing you until Paris." "They look wonderful, don't they?" "They're great." "And I know, any second," "Sam is gonna come bounding down the stairs saying," ""Hey. guys." "let's get this show on the road."" "Hey. guys." "can we get some towels up here?" "I mean, that's what I love about Sam." "You never know what he's gonna say." "You're right." "So, when is this fun couple supposed to get here?" "They'll be here soon." "Seems like we've been sitting here an hour." "It hasn't been an hour, George." "It's been 53 minutes." "Seemed like an hour." "Are you sure you told them to plan on dinner?" "Oh, I didn't have to." "I mean, they knew we were expecting them." "See, that was the great thing about being with them in England, we seemed instinctively to know each other's moves." "We couldn't go anywhere but they were right there with us." "Honey, we were on the same tour." "All right, but I mean, we still hit it off great." "And I think one of the reasons was this instant, fantastic communication that we had." "It was like we had ESP." "So, where do you think they are right now?" "I have no idea." "(SIGHSI" "Dick, it is getting late." "Maybe we should start." "Well, if the whole point of dinner is to eat, then go ahead." "Well, I'm sure Sam and Janet will understand." "Yeah, they sound like great people." "They are." "We shared with them maybe one of the most hilarious moments of our lives together." "Remember, Joanna?" "The pub, right?" "We're in this English pub." "The Horn and the Beagle." "Right." "DICK:" "Horn and the Beagle." "And we're drinking pints of this really strong English ale, you know." "JOANNA: (LAUGHING) Yeah." "All ofa sudden, Sam stands up, and, in front ofall these Englishmen, he starts singing Yankee Doodle." "In this English pub." "JOANNA:" "Yeah." "In England." "See, that's why we enjoy them so much, you know." "I mean, they were screaming at that." "I know people like that, just good-time, fun-loving folks." "Exactly." "Can I have their fruit cup?" "Knock, knock." "There they are." "Perfect timing." "Sam and Janet Ebersol, this is Leslie Vanderkellen." "How do you do?" "Hi." "Kirk Devane." "Howdy." "DICK:" "George Utley." "Good to meet you." "Thank you." "Nice to meet you." "Come on." "Sit down." "George, put back the fruit cup." "You weren't expecting us for dinner?" "You ate already?" "We ate in town." "We're sorry." "We didn't expect you to go to any trouble." "As a matter of fact, we were in this little shop, and we ran into another couple and..." "Well, you know how we are on vacations." "And we started talking, and one thing led to another, and I guess we just didn't pay attention to the time." "Well, you know, it's no big deal." "Yeah, it was only dinner." "But we're really sorry." "We should have called." "Hey, it's the first night you're here." "We've got six more days of fun." "Right." "JANET:" "That's right." "And what have you got on the agenda for tomorrow?" "Eight hours of the greatest scenery you have ever seen in your life." "You mean we're gonna check out the girls at Dartmouth?" "Well, then it's all set." "We'll meet you first thing in the morning for sightseeing." "And I bet it's gonna be great." "Yeah, they don't call it Vermont for nothing." "Well, we're keeping you guys from eating, so we'll see you in the morning" "and say goodnight." "Night." "Oh, by the way, we've never stayed in an inn before." "If we need anything in the middle of the night, what do we do?" "Bang on your door?" "Sure, I can sleep through anything." "Would I be presumptuous to ask again for the fruit cup?" "Well, sandwiches packed, thermos full, ready to go." "You know, seeing the sights with Sam and Janet is gonna be hysterical." "Yeah." "You know, I better take along a couple more rolls of film, just for the first hour." "Yoo-hoo." "Morning." "(RINGING)" "Joanna, we're going to go through that door, and whoever is on the other side gets to spend the whole day having fun with us." "Well, what do you know?" "It's Sam and Janet." "Well, if you're ready, let's get started on the Loudon grand tour of Vermont." "Which includes the famous Loudon picnic lunch." "Well, listen, if you guys don't mind," "I think we're gonna take a rain check on the grand tour." "A rain check?" "Yeah, it completely slipped my mind last night when we were talking about it, but I have this aunt in Boston and I promised her we'd drive up and see her today." "You promised you'd see her today?" "Yeah, well, it wouldn't matter so much, but she's old and frail." "And I think, more important to us, she's rich." "You understand, don't you?" "Well, yeah." "Yeah, we understand." "Don't we, Dick?" "Yeah, you know, I guess." "If you promised." "Well, listen, maybe we could call and try and change it." "Could you?" "Honey." "Yeah, forget I even said that." "Family comes first." "You go to Boston." "Hey, it's only one day." "We still have five full days left." "Five fun-filled days." "That's right." "We'll see you tonight." "Okay, and we'll have dinner when you get back tonight." "I wouldn't plan on us for dinner." "We may have to stay longer than that." "Yeah, remember, she's rich." "Well, then, we'll see you sometime tonight." "Great." "Maybe a coffee." "Whatever." "All right, then, we'll see you sometime tonight for coffee or whatever." "Right, see you then." "We're looking forward to it." "JANET:" "Bye-bye." "Yeah, have a great day in Boston." "Well, those two haven't changed a bit." "They're having as much fun as ever." "Yeah, they just aren't having it with us." "Hi, Dick." "Where's Leslie?" "Hi, Kirk." "She's out back." "Is that a chicken?" "Close, it's a pullet." "What's a pullet?" "A young chicken." "That was close." "What are you doing with it?" "She's on her way to meet Mr. Right." "I'm gonna mate her with the rooster." "Together they should be able to produce enough chickens to turn the Minuteman Cafe into Kirk's Capon City." "Heck ofan idea." "Thanks." "You know, I've got this great gimmick." "You know how in some seafood places they have these large tanks of water where they allow you to, you know, pick out your own live lobsters?" "Well, I'm gonna do the same thing with chickens." "You're going to put chickens in a tank of water?" "Yes, Dick, I'm gonna drown the chickens and then try to get people to eat them." "Come on, let's get into reality, shall we?" "Obviously, they're gonna be in a coop." "Look, what I'm trying to say is, the way I figure it, cashing in is just a matter of time, patience and letting these ugly birds breed their little beaks off." "Good luck." "Thanks." "Hi." "Hi." "Have you seen Sam and Janet yet this morning?" "No, and I don't want to." "What time did they finally get in last night?" "I have no idea." "I wasn't gonna stay up until all hours of the morning, waiting for them." "How late did you stay up?" "2:00, 2:30." "Dick, do you think they're trying to avoid us?" "Why would they be trying to do that?" "Maybe they think we're dull." "I don't think I'm dull." "Do you think I'm dull?" "I'm sorry, honey, what were you saying?" "I said, "Do you think I'm dull?"" "I don't think either one of us are dull." "But even if we were, they wouldn't have noticed." "They haven't spent eight minutes with us." "Well, what are we gonna do?" "Well, I'll tell you one thing, I am not gonna suggest going anywhere." "Because every time I do, they have other plans." "If they wanna go somewhere today, they're gonna have to suggest it." "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Sam and Janet." "Mmm." "That coffee smells great." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "DICK:" "It's left over from last night." "Sorry about that." "You know, we didn't get in until after 3:00." "Hope nobody waited up." "Sugar?" "Yeah, two please." "Honey, would you pass the sugar?" "I wouldn't ask for the cream." "Everything all right, Dick?" "Everything's fine." "Well, so what have you got planned for today?" "What have you guys got planned for today?" "Well, we don't have any plans." "We thought you'd have some." "We thought we'd wait and see what you'd planned." "What is this, a standoff?" "Listen, we thought you had this big, long list of things you wanted to do." "Let's do them." "Well, it's hard to know where to begin." "You know, we haven't even had dinner with you guys yet." "Well, great, then dinner it is." "You name the place." "Barney's?" "Barney's it is." "What time?" "7:00." "7:00." "All right, 7:00, Barney's." "See you tonight." "See you later." "Am I crazy, or did we just lose another day with them?" "SAM:" "This is a nice place, isn't it?" "Yeah, Joanna and I come here a lot." "I guess you could call it our spot." "Good evening, Mr. Ebersol." "How are you tonight?" "Eddie, nice to see you." "Good to see you." "(PLAYING)" "(ALL EXCLAIM)" "You remembered." "JANET:" "Oh!" "How do you know all these people?" "Well, we ate here our first night here." "Mr. and Mrs. Ebersol, hi." "And who are your guests?" "This is Dick and Joanna Loudon." "They live around here." "Oh, really?" "Well, hi, new faces." "Hasn't she waited on us before?" "Everyone in here has waited on us before." "Well, isn't this fun?" "Now, this is what we've been looking forward to." "So have we." "Well, come on now, guys." "We've been here for two days, and you still haven't told us how you happened to move to Vermont." "That's right." "We want the whole story right from the start." "Well, I..." "Good evening, Mr. Ebersol." "Hi." "Mike, how are you?" "SAM:" "Go ahead." "I'm something ofa history buff, you know, and so..." "Say, excuse me, just one second." "Is that Milt Hanson over there?" "Honey, I can't tell from this angle." "Well, it's not important." "Go ahead, go ahead." "Sorry." "And I've always had this dream about owning an inn." "Doggone it." "That is Milt Hanson." "Honey, I think you're right." "So, one day I said to Joanna, you know, "What the heck, you only live once."" "Listen, can you hold that thought for just one second?" "We're gonna be right back." "Hey, Milt, buddy, is that you?" "MILT:" "Sam, how are you?" "We wound up here..." "And they're off again." "Boy, they make friends fast." "Well, why not?" "They're warm, they're friendly, they're funny." "Come on over here." "I want you to meet these friends." "Come on." "This is..." "Dick and Joanna, I want you to meet two lovely people, Milt and Dottie Hanson." "We met them the first night we were here." "How are you?" "You don't mind if they join us for dinner, do you?" "Well, of course they don't." "The more the merrier." "Mike, will you push two tables together over here, please?" "This couple is such fun." "They're from Anaheim." "Oh, really?" "You know, Anaheim." "Hey, Dick, how about shooting the four of us?" "I'd love to, but all I have is my camera." "I don't understand it." "What's the problem?" "The rooster and the pullet, they don't seem to be attracted to each other." "How do you know that?" "Because Kirk's been out there watching them." "You've been watching them?" "Every day." "They just stare at each other from opposite ends of the coop." "Well, if you're watching them during the day, did it ever occur to you that maybe they're getting together at night?" "That's when I watch." "Let me make sure I have this right." "The two of you are watching them 24 hours a day, and they've never gone near each other?" "Right." "Right." "And right now is the first time in two days they've been alone?" "Right." "Right." "Well, I don't know about you, but if!" "were that rooster, this is the moment I'd be waiting for." "Dick, I was just walking by Sam and Janet's room and their suitcases are out in the hall." "I think they're leaving." "I know." "I saw them there, too." "Do you believe this?" "We set aside an entire week, we don't see them for three days, the one time we're together, they spend the whole time talking to another couple and now they're leaving four days early." "Well, let's face it." "They used us." "I mean, they're treating us like innkeepers." "You're right." "Well, if they're gonna treat us like innkeepers," "I'm gonna act like an innkeeper." "What are you gonna do?" "I'm gonna charge them." "I'm leaving." "Leslie, it's not gonna be an ugly scene." "You don't know that." "He's right." "You better go." "Gone." "I mean, you're with me on this, right?" "Honey, you know I feel just as strongly about being used as you do." "What do you think I should charge them?" "$10,000." "I like your style." "Good morning." "Good morning." "Checking out, are you?" "Well, what makes you say that?" "You're carrying your luggage, you're heading toward the door." "In the hotel business, we call that checking out." "We're not checking out." "We're just gonna drive up to Maine for a couple days with the Hansons." "Yeah, we're gonna be back the day after tomorrow and finish out the week, just like we said." "And in the meantime, since you two have been so terrific, we want you to have this." "And we want you to have this." "What is it?" "It's a bill for your stay here." "Look, it's beautiful." "It's made out just like a real bill." "Looks so official." "It is." "It's an official bill." "What?" "Sam?" "Well, if you're gonna treat us like innkeepers, we're gonna treat you like guests." "Well, what are you talking about?" "How did we treat you like innkeepers?" "By ignoring us, by going off without us, using this place as a pit stop." "They want us to pay." "You want us to pay, we'll pay." "We don't want you to pay." "Well, then what do you want?" "We just want you to say you're sorry." "We'll pay the bill." "There is no bill." "What we're trying to tell you is that we're hurt." "Well, this is just awful." "Honey." "Honey, don't cry." "You're gonna spoil the trip." "I can't help it." "We were having such a good time and... (WHINING)" "Now, now, stop it." "It's just a misunderstanding." "Listen, they're angry and upset because we didn't take their friendship seriously enough." "Yes, and frankly, I think we deserve an explanation." "Well, the explanation is very simple." "We're not your friends." "That's too simple." "Well, I mean, we're not your friends the way you define friends." "I mean, you know, people you care about, and you're concerned about their feelings, and you wanna spend every minute you can with them, and..." "Well, we're just not like that." "We're fun junkies." "We're fun junkies, too." "No, no, you're not." "You're friend junkies." "You see, you want long, personal relationships, and very close ties, and..." "Well, we're just not like that." "That's not us." "We're shallow." "Now, if you want us to say we're sorry because of a misunderstanding, then we will." "But if you want us to say we're sorry because of who we are, well, we can't do that." "Now, if you can accept that, that's fine." "And if you can't, that's fine, too." "But no matter what you feel, you have to admit one thing." "We are fun people." "Listen, we gotta be going now." "You think about what we said, and on the way back from Maine, we're gonna call you." "And if you wanna get together, we will and we'll have a ball." "And if you don't want to, we'll have a ball." "See you, friends." "Just kidding." "BYE-bye." "I really have no idea if we'll ever see them again." "I know." "But you know the nice thing about people like that?" "You don't care." "Need we say more?"