"Now, remember, Florence, my dear, we are two ladies out for a quiet drinkie-poo-poo." "I must say, Emily, I'm very shocked you brought us here to this pub." "Isn't this where all the rough sailors come?" "(Emily) Ohhh, is it?" "Well, yes, my lady friend, it is called The Anchor And Gonorrhoea." " (Laughter)" " Fear not, Florence." "Nothing untoward will become of us." "We are ladies of virtue, not slappers." "(Barmaid) What can I get for you, gents?" " Two sweet sherries, s'il vous plait." " With lager chasers." "Well... ahem..." "I do hope this rough sailor isn't planning to ravish me this evening." "What?" "!" "Oh, heh-heh-heh!" "(Russian accent) Good evening." "Oh, Florence, is this rough sailor man talking to me?" " Well, I'll talk to him if you like." " No, no, no, no, no, no!" " Well, I don't mind." " (Gruff voice) No!" " (Laughter)" " Hey, you are very beautiful." " Oh, am I?" " (Both giggle)" "You remind me of a lady from my home town in Russia." "Ohh, do I?" "She was shot-putter in 1980 Olympics." "Well, let me introduce myself." "My name is Emily, Emily Howard, and I'm a lady." "Yes, and my name is Florence and I, too, is a lady." "And because we're ladies, we like to do ladies' things like make bonnets for kittens." "Yes, yes, and shower in our knickerbockers." "And play tennis in full evening dress and... (Gruff voice) shit." "I find you very attractive." "Ohhh!" "(Giggles girlishly)" " (Coughs gruffly)" " All right?" " (Gruff voice) Got it, yeah." " (Deeply) just flob it out, yeah?" "Good man." " Ohh." " I would very much like to see you naked." " (High voice) I think I'm going to faint." "Ready?" " Yes, yes." "Oh, no, he's fainted!" " She's fainted!" " She's fainted." "You are so beautiful." "Ohhh!" "This is all I've ever dreamed of!" " just one thing." " Yes?" " Do you have a big willie?" " How dare you!" "I'm a lady, I don't have a willie!" "Yes, and if she did, it would be a lady's willie!" "I'm a lady and I have a looley, a lady's looley!" "Yes, looley of a lady!" "Come away, Florence." "How dare you talk to a lady like that, you brute!" "(Gruff voice) Met you round the back in five minutes." "Right, where's my Thai Brides catalogue?" "Here!" "Here she is." "Ting Tong Macadangdang." "Nineteen. (Chuckles)" "So glad the wife died." "Mmm!" " (Doorbell) - just one moment, my sweetness!" "(Doorbell)" " No!" " Hello, Mr Dudwey!" " No, no, you're not Ting Tong." " I am Ting Tong." "Ting Tong Macadangdang." " Oh, stay there." " Ohhh, so this home now." "No, no, I said wait at the door." "Now, look, you're not Ting Tong!" "No, I am Ting Tong." "That is me." "Yeah, yeah, yeah?" "Yeah, with the thing there." "Yeah." "Yeah, is good photo, I give you that, is very good photo." " Yeah, well, I want my deposit back." " Come sit with Ting Tong." "Let us know each other before we have good time." "So I am Ting Tong." "I am nineteen." "I am beautician." "I am from village tiny in Thaiwand called Pong Pong." " Pong Pong, Ting Tong?" " Yes, Ting Tong from Pong Pong." "judging by your accent, it sounds like you're from Tooting, Ting Tong." "No, not Tooting for Ting Tong." "Ting Tong from Pong Pong." "I don't care where, I want you out the house!" "Oh, you so funny, Mr Dudwey." "This our house now!" "Here, let me show you photo of my family." "Hopefully, they come live with us soon." "Oh, this is a ruddy nightmare!" "You obviously a little bit stressed-out, Mr Dudwey." "Let Ting Tong Macadangdang soothe you with traditional Thai song." " God help us." " Ahem." "(Screeches) # Nayani nookah amani-doo" " # Hayacootie, hanmayaka # - (Laughter)" "# Mayadoyakadang doon yeh" "# Ooyakee, no, no, no, no, no, hayaki" "# Mandoooyaki, nooyaki" "# Nooyaki nah-ni-nah" "# Peep!" "# Bahdoo-ey yaka dingdong da nee-nah kee-noo, ah, iechyd da!" "# Hametchu, yamayamaki" "# Hamanamaki nama hami doo" "# Let do the Time Warp again!" "#" " Oh, yes, thank." "Please don't encourage her!" " (Applause and cheering)" "Yes, that was lovely, but I'm sorry, you're gonna have to leave." " But I want to be good wife of you!" " I'm sure you're a very pleasant lady." " I know you've had a long journey..." " Much of it on foot." "Much of it on foot, but I paid L80." "I think someone sold me up the Swanee." "You think I am ugwy, don't you?" "No-o-o, no one's saying you're hideous." "Look, there's obviously been some kind of administrational error here." "You nip back to Thailand, we'll sort it out from there." "But am I love you!" "I'm very flattered, but this is not gonna work out." " Oh, please don't make me leave, Mr Dudwey!" " No, no, no, no, come on, no!" " I want you out now!" "No, no, no!" " Please, please, please, please, please!" "Maybe just stay tonight and we'll... see what happens, hm?" "OK, so the plan is to release a press statement at noon." "And it's not going to mention divorce?" "No, it'll just say we're having a trial separation and that you'll be moving out of Number 10." "I'm going to take the kids to Spain." "We'll stay at my parents' place for a couple of weeks." "I think that's a good idea." "I'll call you when we get there." "Look, Sarah, I'm so sorry it's come to this." "I..." "Morning!" "(Applause and cheering)" " Good morning." " Good morning, Sebastian." "Whatever." "just to remind you, the Dalai Lama will be here in ten minutes." "Thank you." "Sebastian, I need you to prepare a press statement for me." " Of course, Prime Minister." " Announcing that Sarah and I are separating." "Oh, no!" " It's true." " Oh, that is terrible news." " Well, I'd better go and pack." " Yeah!" " Goodbye, Michael." " Goodbye, Sarah." "Let me, er... see you out, hm?" "There you go!" " It's me, isn't it?" " What's that?" " I'm the reason you're separating." " No, of course not." "We've just grown apart." " She thinks we're having an affair." " No." "Oh, I bet she thinks, as soon as she's out of the room, you're having me up against the wall like this!" "Oh, give it to me, Prime Minister!" "Or does she think you have me over the desk like this?" "Ooh, yeah!" "Ooh, spit on it, spit on it!" "Oooh!" "No, she does not!" "Or does she think you pin me to the sofa like this!" "Ohhhh!" "Oh, that's deep!" "Ohhh!" " Is that what she's thinking?" " No, she is not!" "Now, please, Sebastian, just get up." "I really don't have time for this today." "Sorry!" " Sebastian, I need your support right now." " Of course, Prime Minister." "I really am very upset about this separation." "I know something that'll cheer you up!" "Not now." "I need to read this report before the Dalai Lama arrives." "It's really funny." "I'm always doing it in the Commons bar, it's hilarious!" "Sebastian, please." "(Wolf-whistles and cheering)" "(Cheering and laughter)" " Are you ready, Prime Minister?" " Ready for what?" "Look, Prime Minister, I'm a woman!" "(Laughter and applause)" "Sebastian, this is entirely inappropriate behaviour!" "I can't believe you're acting like this!" "Sorry, Prime Minister. just trying to cheer you up, what with the divorce." "There's not gonna be a divorce." "It's just a trial separation." "I'm hoping we get back together." "(Gruffly) What?" "!" "Never mind that." "Hurry up and get your clothes back on." "Sorry, Prime Minister." " Quickly!" " I can't find my pants!" " Oh, for God's sake, they must be here!" " Help me!" " Oh, Prime Minister!" " Your holiness!" " Michael?" "!" " Sarah!" "Ooh, how embarrassing!" "How are you doing, gang?" "You all right?" "Who would like a lolly?" "Where do I hear a wicky-woo?" "Got to hear your wicky-woos?" "Wicky-woo!" "There we are!" "Wicky-woo fans all the way over there." "Got to hear your wicky-woos!" "There we are." "Who else wants a lolly?" "Yeah, lollies over there." "Yeah." "Yeah, lollies." "Yeah, lollies?" "!" "Yeah!" "That's all you want from me, innit?" "!" "Bloody lollies!" " (Laughter)" " Keep it together, Des." "OK, I have a funny joke for you." " Knock knock." " (All) Who's there?" " Wicky!" " Wicky who?" "Wicky-woo, it's me Des Kaye!" "Let me in, I don't want to hurt you!" " (Laughter)" " Right." "Now, we are going to play a game tonight called Hide The Sausage." "And what I need is two contestants." "I need one little boy and one..." "little boy so... who would like to play Hide The Sausage with me tonight?" "Righty-ho, I think I see my first lucky boy all the way over here." "Onto the stage, please, my friend." "And my second one is right here!" "A round of applause for our contestants!" " Come on, you, eh?" " (Applause)" "Come on, you!" "Onto the stage, come on!" "Hey... hey... hey... (Laughter)" "Hello, there." "Oh, dear, don't act the giddy goat, no." "OK." "So your name is?" " Wayne." " And how old are you?" " 32." " Ooh, he's a big boy, in't he?" "Lovely smooth skin." "And, um, whereabouts are you from, Wayne?" " Blackpool." " Whereabouts in Blackpool?" " Bloomfield Road." " Oh." "Hm, that's do-able, yeah." " (Laughter)" " Very do-able!" "Yes!" "Come on, Wayne, relax!" "You're with your Uncle Des!" " (Laughter and applause)" " Eh?" "Yeah?" "Enjoying it now?" "OK, OK." "So tell me this, Wayne... um..." "Do you have a favourite colour?" " Red." " Hm." "I like pink." "But sometimes I go for brown." "So..." "Come on, Wayne, relax!" "What's the worst that could happen?" "It's going to happen." "OK, and your name is?" " lan." " OK." "So... (Laughter)" "It's time to play Hide The Sausage." "I have a sausage here and I want..." "Ooh, your face has lit up, hasn't it?" "I want one of you to hide it upon your person, but don't tell me who's got it, OK?" "So you put your hand out, Wayne, to take the sausage." "You looking forward to it?" "Come on, put your hand out!" "Feels nice, don't it, eh, Wayne?" "Eh?" "You like that, don't you?" " You ever tried with two hands, Wayne?" " (Laughter)" "No?" "Come on, let's try it with two." "Feels nice, doesn't it, eh, Wayne?" "just like the real thing!" "OK, so you take that." "Oh, don't hold it like that!" "Like a red rag to a bull, in't it?" "OK, you know what you've got to do." "Hide the sausage somewhere..." "Not yet!" " I'm getting ready." " OK, hide the sausage upon your person." "But don't tell me who's got it, OK?" "OK, you know what you've got to do?" "OK, so are you hiding the sausage?" "Are you hiding it now?" "The sausage has got to be completely hidden." "Have you done it?" "OK." "All right, OK." "OK, have you here, please." "OK, now it's time to Find The Sausage!" "OK, is it over..." "Probably not." "Ooh, has Wayne got it..." "Is it over there?" "We don't know." "Is it..." "Probably not." "Is it round the back?" "Has Wayne got it up there?" "We don't know!" "Is it over..." "Probably not." "No, it's there!" "It's hidden down there!" "Is it over..." "No." "It's there, in't it, eh, eh, Wayne?" "!" "Give it to me, Wayne, give it to me!" "Give me the sausage!" "Give it to me!" "Give me the sausage!" "Give it to me, Wayne!" " (Klaxon)" " Give me the sausage!" "Oh, dear!" "We're out of time." "Oh!" "Oh, I'm sorry, Wayne, I accidentally kissed you!" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "That was not meant to happen." "I'm sorry..." "Oh, there's the sausage." " (Laughter)" " Oh, dear, dear." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "Right, you can go, ugly boy, go." " Right." "Did you enjoy that?" " No." "That's the way I like it." "OK." "Now, you are the winner and you have won yourself a Des Kaye fun sack." "Oh..." "I've just remembered, I've left it in my dressing room!" "You're gonna have to come backstage with me and get it." "I'll see you later, folks, wicky-woo!" "Come with me, Wayne!" "Come with me!" "Kiss me, Wayne!" "Lick me, Wayne!" "Get these down, get these down!"