"(♪ ♪ ♪)" "Full house." "Do you have any threes?" "That's not how poker works." "There's a dead squirrel outside, do you wanna dissect it?" "How bout we bond over some TV instead?" "Okay." "There's a new 'Murder She Wrote' on today!" "It's new to him." "This is why you're not invited to the Cool Kid's birthday party." "Jacob Hammerstein didn't invite you to his party?" "You know, I'm calling his parents." "It'll totally destroy Billy's street cred if you call the Cool Kid's mom." "Oh he's still here?" "We said one hour twice a week." "He knows I hate him, right?" "Always thought that was gonna look sexier." "Harry thinks that Billy isn't "cool."" "Hold on." "We're all in agreement that Billy's the weird kid, right?" "He's not weird." "He is special." "His Show and Tell presentation is on small pox." "Okay." "He needs to win over the Cool Kid." "A stand out Show and Tell would help." "He could bring the unity quilt we made!" "Are you fu- Are you kidding me?" "You know what?" "I should swear." "'Cause at least then, Billy would be the kid who knows how to curse." "'Cause right now, you two are giving him nothing." "Can you help with Show and Tell, Dad?" "Dad?" "Harry's only your sperm donor." "Remember how it works sweetie?" "The egg is fertilized by the sperm." "I'll tell you the cool parts later." "Or not." "Why give you the information that would make you a god to your classmates?" "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "I used to give, give, give." "I gave to these two ladies." "That's my boy." "Oh, and I'm also their donor." "That's kind of my daughter, huh huh huh." "And she's looking to have a baby too." "I'm Harry, but the kids, they call me dad." "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "You probably shouldn't be here without your parents knowing about it." "Whatev." "You're my real Dad." "Yo, Harry." "If I go home, Mom and Dad will make me do my" "French homework." "I want to be a fashion designer;" "How will French help with that?" "(chuckles)" "Your sperm kids are hanging here now?" "I can't get rid of her." "Plus she tips well." "Take this to Table Two." "If you were a boy in the fourth grade, what would impress you?" "Prompt customer service." "Boobs." "Yeah, that's more of a field trip thing." "Think, Show and Tell." "Ugh." "Are you kidding me?" "Hey, you." "You work here?" "I had no idea;" "What a coincidence." "I mean, how would I know that you work here?" "It was on the napkin I gave you." "With my number on it?" "That one." "Oh?" "You gave me your number?" "What's your name again?" "Larry, Gary?" "M-mary?" "Harry." "That's it!" "And you are?" "Rose." "And since I'm randomly here," "I have some unprepared questions for you." "The answer is yes;" "I'm willing to try and have no-strings attached sex with you again." "So, when I met you on the bus, with your son" "Son-ish." "Where were you going?" "You said the medical center?" "And is that true?" "Because you also said you were a doctor and that was a lie so" "I am so sorry about that." "Look, you're cute." "I'm cute." "Let's start over with one-hundred percent honesty." "Have you ever donated sperm?" "No, I have not." "Ew." "Disgusting." "I might be pregnant." "I should not have said that." "You idiot." "Shh." "I'm trying to do the math in my head..." "We met three weeks ago." "But... we didn't have sex." "Not even a little!" "It's not mine!" "Yesss!" "The father is a very lucky man." "Truly, wonderful news." "It is." "I hope I'm pregnant." "It's just I'm" "I honestly can't tell;" "Is this you?" "Look at that goofy grin." "I mean who doesn't love that guy?" "Wait." "Where did you get this?" "Did you break into my house?" "It was in my sperm donor's file." "Oh." "Oh, f-." "Actually, Billy's not here." "This time I'm gonna swear." "Oh, F" "(cell phone key beep)" "That was Mr. Bernard." "Apparently Anastasia is failing French." "But she's been speaking French to me for weeks now." "And how is your French, Jonathan?" "Obviously lacking." "She's been lying a lot lately." "I just don't know where it's coming from." "I don't know, Mrs. "My grandmother"" "was a countess."" "That is a low blow, Mr. "I know how to"" "parallel park."" "Oh, and you donate to charity." "Oh, and you've been to an R.E.M. concert." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I should not" "I should not have said that." "Wait a minute, what are we doing?" "This isn't us." "You know when Anastasia started to lie?" "When she told me she hated me the first time." "Yes." "And also when she learned that we lied-hid the truth about her conception, that we used a sperm donor." "You're right..." "This is all Harry's fault." "No, I meant..." "Yeah." "This is Harry's fault." "You met me." "Blew me off - not in the good way - and then chose me as your sperm donor?" "I didn't choose you on purpose!" "Well, I mean maybe I recognized you subconsciously?" "Why would I do that?" "What is wrong with me?" "You're pregnant... with my kid." "Well, I haven't taken a pregnancy test yet." "It's too early." "Maybe not." "Do you feel nauseous?" "Oh my God." "I feel nauseous." "That's the first sign!" "Oh, you are so pregnant." "Idiot!" "Not my fault." "No, she's the idiot." "For getting pregnant." "Hey." "And for choosing you." "Hey." "How many times can this happen to you?" "Someone else from the sperm bank contacted you?" "No." "Maybe." "How about I present on taxidermy?" "Oh, creative!" "Pass." "How about a book report on Carrie?" "I can reenact my favorite scene and pour blood on myself." "I don't hate it." "Keep 'em coming, buddy." "What are you going to do about this new sperm-mom, Harry?" "Rose?" "I usually ignore the psychos until they start setting fires, then I just let the police deal with them." "Not sure how I'm going to get rid of this one." "Rid of?" "You need to support her." "Zoey's right." "No!" "He's the father of this baby, Mish!" "He can't - wait." "You agree with me?" "You have a duty to this child, Harry." "But not a 'go-to-jail if I don't do it' kind of legal duty, right?" "I know that you are going to be a great dad to this baby." "Really?" "Really." "Really?" "Really." "Thank you, for believing in me." "OK, I gotta go." "Anastasia's parents want to see me." "Ta da." "Um." "A bit hackey." "Maybe just the trumpet?" "He'd be playing taps at his own funeral." "Everybody hates the trumpet." "Don't worry." "We'll think of something." "You really think he's going to be a good father to that woman's baby?" "No." "But we have to make him somebody else's problem." "Ta da." "Care for a beer?" "No thanks." "I asked the guy at the store, he said this was the beer to have." "Moron." "I hate this beer." "You know what, I'll have one." "It's good, right?" "Your donor resume is a joke." "Janet thinks that maybe, you weren't exactly, totally, truthful." "You claimed to have an I.Q.of 130." "Yeah." "130 is good, right?" "Hey, do you have any good." "Show and Tell things?" "Something cool you stayed up all night making for Anastasia?" "The volcano." "I don't know what you mean, Janet." "Anastasia's seventh grade science fair project." "It's pretty good." "Pretty good?" "Not only does it erupt, but blows ash over a replica of Pompeii." "Cool." "Can I have it?" "The volcano's mine." "He can't have all my stuff." "It's for a nine-year-old boy." "Your daughter's half-brother." "Don't." "Don't do that." "And we do not appreciate the insinuation that Jonathan is "too" involved in." "Anastasia's schooling." "Oh c'mon." "I mean, you both do her homework for her." "She's only failing French 'cause you guys don't speak it." "I speak Spanish and German." "How many languages do you speak?" "None." "Oh." "I said Latin on my donor resume, right?" "There we have it." "Anastasia's foreign language problems might be genetic." "It would be nice to know if it was because of your I.Q." "130." "All day." "Everyday." "Take an I.Q. test to prove it?" "I get the volcano?" "No." "Just to borrow." "You'll take care of her, Harry?" "Like she was my own." "That's so sweet." "My two dads." "Did you hear?" "I'm gonna have a baby brother or sister!" "So much for anonymity." "You've spawned again?" "God, what do you eat?" "Hey, you're a lawyer, can a sperm-Mom make me pay child support?" "Yes, you're legally responsible." "Oh, man!" "He's not responsible" "Shhh." "Let's make him somebody else's problem." "So Harry." "Are you going to support this child?" "I'm... going to..." "have another beer." "Yes!" "I knew you'd like it!" "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "Okay, my conditions." "One." "I get to name the baby." "I lost out on Anastasia and Billy." "Anastasia sounds like a stripper," "Billy sounds like a goat." "This is why you wanted to meet me?" "So you could name my baby?" "I think we should make it left-handed." "Increase its chances of being a major league pitcher." "This is a bad idea." "No, this is a great idea." "You need to read Moneyball." "No no." "This is a bad idea." "Look, if I'm going to help financially," "I should be able to" "I don't want your help financially." "Can you say that again?" "On paper?" "And sign it?" "Okay that left-handed thing was just a bargaining chip to lower the paternity fee;" "We can keep it right-handed." "We're just going to work on a knuckle ball." "No, no, I'm having this baby on my own." "I should not have even told you." "It was dumb." "I don't want you involved." "At all." "You want me involved." "They all want me involved." "Like today, I gotta go to Billy's Show and Tell." "His future depends on it." "It's two twenty." "Doesn't school get out at three?" "Listen Rose, you don't have kids yet." "I do." "I'm pretty sure school's nine to five." "Dammit." "I'm supposed to be at Billy's school in ten minutes." "Can I put my volcano in your trunk?" "What?" "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "Can I put my volcano in your trunk?" "Oh." "What?" "(Charlie Brown Teacher Voice)" "Good grief." "And that's how you play the muted trumpet." "(clapping)" "Great work, Jacob." "Everyone loves the trumpet." "Billy, you're up next." "Just a few more minutes?" "(Wa wa wa waaaa)" "This can't be right." "Harry's I.Q. test?" "He got triple digits at least right?" "You know, we should consider suing the sperm bank." "He scored higher than me." "Well great." "Isn't it?" "He didn't score higher than me?" "Standardized tests are inherently biased." "He's smarter than me!" "Look, we should be happy that our daughter's biological fath- male person of genetic origin- is both handsome and smart." "Giving Harry an I.Q. test was a bad idea." "Did you say he was handsome?" "You gave Harry an I.Q. test?" "No." "Yes." "Yes." "Yes, we did give Harry an I.Q. test." "I was confused by the question." "Cause you thought I was dumb, and I got the dumb gene from him?" "No, no not at all." "Harry's the dumb one." "Or so we thought." "You're very smart." "I want to take the test." "I'll prove I'm not mentally challenged-ed-ed." "It's a really nice volcano." "You made it?" "Yeah." "Took me like two hours." "Well, I better..." "I just want to say thanks for offering to help." "But really you're not the father of this maybe-baby." "Oh, Thank God" "No no, you're the father." "You're just not the "father."" "You have zero parenting responsibilities." "So I'm not "trapped"?" "Not at all." "Because I didn't get drunk and have sex with you?" "Right!" "I'm sorry, you would have had to be drunk to have sex with me?" "No, I was so ready to bone you." "That's sweet." "I wasn't sure." "You did stand me up." "Okay, I gotta get going." "So you like being involved with your other kids?" "Ummmmmm." "Wow." "Okay." "So you must be really happy I'm raising this baby on my own." "Well I guess..." "I mean" "I knew it." "You are so two-faced." "(car starting)" "Are you mad?" "Oh, I'm not mad." "This is what I want." "You seem mad." "I'm not mad." "You sure?" "I'm not mad." "I don't get mad." "This is not me mad." "Good bye." "Forever!" "Are you okay?" "I don't know." "Billy, you're up next." "I did not try and kill you." "You said, "goodbye forever"" "and then ran over me." "Literal goodbye, not 'I'm going to kill you' goodbye." "I meant to go forward." "The volcano." "You ruined Billy's life." "Smallpox wasn't so small, it killed lots of people." "It's better with my visual aids." "I'm here." "I'm here." "Harry!" "Sorry, crazy girl situation." "Uh, who are you?" "This is my Dad." "I'm more what you'd call his sperm donor." "What's sperm?" "That's-what we'll be presenting on." "No, you won't." "Sperm are tadpoles that live in your testicles." "Oh." "Actually, I will be presenting on being a sperm donor." "See, Billy's moms really wanted a kid" "(snort)" "He's the cool kid." "My dad says that women should only be with men." "Your dad is an idiot." "See, this is the perfect arrangement." "I get to have an awesome kid without a nagging wife or a dead-end marriage." "How many of you guys know what a dead-end marriage is?" "See?" "Yeah." "Most married couples hate each other." "But not Billy's moms." "At the clinic there was a book of people who wanted to be my dad." "But they chose me." "Winner." "That's stupid." "Nice sweater." "Your mom still dressing you?" "Jerk." "You're a jerk." "You're a jerk." "Your face is a jerk." "That's enough." "Look, he started it." "I like that Harry comes to my house once a week." "And I like how I'm not a bastard anymore." "Ugh." "My head." "The cool thing is that..." "My favorite scene from Carrie." "You thought of everything." "That cute girl tried to kill me with her car." "No, I didn't!" "You think I'm cute?" "(thud)" "(screams)" "I did not try and kill him." "(screams)" "I'm carrying his baby!" "Whoa." "This channel sucks." "The only thing on is Antiques Roadshow." "Wait!" "It's 'Pocket Watch Week.'" "You are so..." "Awesome!" "So you're pregnant?" "That's so wonderful." "Not sure yet, but fingers crossed." "Preggers with Harry's baby?" "Well then." "You should cross them this way." "I hope it's not a boy." "Is everything okay?" "There's nothing they could do." "Is Harry...?" "Am I an orphan?" "Billy we're right here." "Your real parents." "Oh Harry?" "I have no idea." "The volcano's gone." "They say they live to be a billion years." "Well, they lie." "It wasn't a real volcano." "It never was to you." "Was it?" "Don't go too far." "I still can't believe Harry told the whole class that Billy was a sperm donor child." "I'm sorry, he did what?" "Billy was happy about it." "He's nine." "He'd be happy in a hostage situation if there was ice cream." "Harry actually pulled it off." "Almost." "Now everybody knows we used a sperm donor." "You're lesbians." "I think your secret's out." "I don't see what the big deal is." "When did you tell people, Janet?" "Ha." "I only found out three months ago." "You're such a liar." "We were actually just trying to protect Ana from the negative stigma." "You're judging us?" "You haven't told anyone either." "I'm not even sure I'm pregnant yet." "But when I am?" "I'll tell everyone I used a donor." "My Mom." "I'll call her later." "I'm not avoiding her." "Interesting." "Who's here for Harry Dacosta?" "You must be a very close family." "I wanna see him first." "Just a little concussion and a few stitches." "I'll be okay." "You okay?" "Because I'm assuming that there is brain damage." "What were you thinking?" "I had to act fast." "The volcano erupted." "In a bad way." "And how exactly does does telling everyone that you're his sperm donor help" "Billy become popular?" "He's not the weird kid with two moms anymore." "Now he's the awesome kid whose cool dad has great hair." "Okay Harry, I tolerated you because I thought that it was helping my son." "But now it is clear, thank God, that this isn't working." "At all" "Jacob Hammerstein's adopted!" "The Cool Kid." "Apparently his parents love the fact that Billy's from a special family too and he's invited to the party." "Oh and the kids want you to do your fake blood trick." "Loved it." "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "Thanks for coming here with me." "Of course." "We care about you." "And Harry." "We care about you." "The volcano took the brunt of the crash, and saved Harry's life." "It died a hero." "That's something." "Sorry for your loss." "That volcano was all you." "I barely helped make it." "No wonder you don't think I'm smart." "Honey, we know that you're smart." "In fact, according to your I.Q. test, you're smarter than your father." "She is?" "I knew it." "Standardized tests are inherently biased." "Clearly, the problem is your French teacher." "Not you." "And not me." "Mr. Bernard is sooo cute." "I can't even focus on him." "Wait!" "Maybe I'm so smart that I focus on him too much." "You're a lawyer." "Can teachers legally date students?" "Or do you have to wait until the summer?" "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "I have to pee." "I just did." "It's a smiley face." "Smiley face!" "Oh my gosh." "Oh." "My." "Gosh." "Hey, you can always try again." "Smiley face means pregnant, idiot." "Well, why would they make the smiley face mean pregnant?" "That doesn't make any sense." "So I took two tests." "And they both came back positive." "We're having twins?" "Oh my God." "Congratulations." "I don't know what to say, so, uh..." "Alright, look..." "If I tell people I used a sperm bank they're going to think" "I'm this lonely, desperate, baby-crazy woman who could not find a man." "That is so not me." "So just say that you got drunk, we had unprotected sex, and you got knocked up." "I make terrible decisions." "People would totally believe that." "Well you know, just to get our stories straight we could" "We are not having sex." "Okay." "I'm just trying to help." "So this is really happening." "You're not the "Dad" Dad." "Just think of me as a friend." "A friend who happens to be carrying your baby." "You know, I can read people." "And I can see that you don't like me like that." "I won't go there." "Good." "Because I do not like you like that." "At all." "At all." "Oh, thank God." "'Cause I do not do relationships well." "One-night-stands, however..." "She asked me out for a drink." "Hey, you hungry?" "Why don't we go out and celebrate?" "I mean it's not every day you find out you're having a kid." "Though lately..." "What about that nurse?" "You know what, I lost a lot of blood, so I'm going to get drunk pretty quickly." "I can just meet her later." "Alright." "Lets grab dinner." "I'll drive." "No." "No." "No." "I'll drive." "You have a concussion." "Still safer if I drive." "Yeah." "(♪ ♪ ♪)" " So how did I do?" " Worse." "Your I.Q.'s 113." "Dammit!" "Let me try again!" "Fifth time's the charm." "Billy suddenly has five birthday parties lined up this month." "This newfound popularity is going to bankrupt us." "I know." "Why do you think I bought this cardigan for Jacob Hammerstein at the thrift store?" "But if you give that to the Cool Kid as a gift," "Billy will never be invited to another birthday again." "Yeah, you think?" "Oh, you're good." "(laughter)" "So you're telling me my baby could have an I.Q. of 130?" "Yeah, plus you're like, at least a 125, so that means the baby's I.Q. would be like... two-fifty." "It's weird that my Mom left the answers to the I.Q. sheet right on her desk." "I know." "It would have been so easy to cheat." "So easy." "Congratulations on your... problem solving skills." "Thank God, I didn't inherit my Mom's overtrustinged-ness-ed." "Gullibility." "I get it." "I don't speak French." "(♪ ♪ ♪)"