"Let's see, Raj was the kung pao–chicken." " I'm the dumplings." " Yes, you are." "Creepy, Howard." "Creepy good or creepy bad?" "Who was the shrimp with lobster sauce?" "That would be me." "Come to papa, you un-kosher delight." "I'm not necessarily talking to the food." "Sit over there." "Sit over there." "Baby wipe?" " Why do you have..." " No, don't ask!" "Don't!" "I'll tell you why." "I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the rest rooms with hot air blowers." "I thought the blowers were more sanitary." " Really, don't." " Why...?" "Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence." "Frankly, it'd be more hygienic if they had a plague-infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry." "Hey, guys, I just got the most amazing news..." "Do you think you'll ever be able to talk in front of me without being drunk?" "Okay, I'll just, go eat by myself." "You don't have to do that." "It's okay, between him not talking, him talking and him..." "I'm better off alone." "Good-bye, you poor, strange little man." "She's so considerate." "What's your news?" "Remember that little planetary object I spotted beyond the Kuiper Belt?" "Oh, yeah, 2008-NQ Sub-17." "Or as I call it, Planet Bollywood." "Anyway, because of my discovery, People magazine is naming me one of their 30 under 30 to watch." "Congratulations." "That's incredible." "Excuse me, 30 what under 30 what to watch what?" "30 visionaries under 30 years of age to watch as they challenge the preconceptions of their fields." "If I had a million guesses, I never would have gotten that." "They've got me in with a guy who's doing something about hunger in Indonesia, and a psychotherapist who's using dolphins to rehabilitate prisoners, and Ellen Page, star of the charming independent film, Juno." "I'd so do her." "You'd do the dolphins." "Do I get an honorable mention for designing the telescope camera mounting bracket you used?" "Sorry, it's not part of my heartwarming and personal narrative in which a humble boy from New Delhi overcame poverty and prejudice and journeyed to America to reach for the stars." "Poverty?" "Your father's a gynecologist." "He drives a Bentley." "It's a lease." "I'm confused." "Was there some sort of peer review committee to determine which scientists would be included?" "Peer review?" "It's People magazine." "People picked me." " What people?" " The people from People." "But exactly who are these people?" "What are their credentials?" "How are they qualified?" "What makes accidentally noticing a hunk of rock that's been traipsing around the solar system for billions of years more noteworthy than any other scientific accomplishment made by someone under 30?" "Boy, I'll bet Ellen Page's friends aren't giving her this kind of crap." "Are you proud of yourself?" "In general, yes." "There's my missing neutrino." "You were hiding from me as an unbalanced charge, weren't you, you little sub-atomic dickens?" "Hey, look, I found my missing neutrino." "Oh good, we can take it off the milk carton." "We're going to apologize to Raj and invite him out to dinner." "Apologize for what?" "He came over last night with some pretty good news and we weren't very supportive." "I sense you're trying to tell me something." "You were a colossal asshat." "No, I beg to differ." "Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive." "Really?" "Do tell." "How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him?" "When I was 11, my sister bought our father a "World's Greatest Dad" coffee mug and, frankly, the man coasted until the day he died." "Okay, let's try it this way." "What if this People magazine thing is the best he's ever gonna achieve?" "I had not considered that." "Come on." "I often forget other people have limitations." "It's so sad." " He can feel sadness?" " Not really." "It's what you and I would call condescension." "Now when we go in there, let's show Raj that we're happy for him." "But I'm not." "Well, then fake it." "Look at me." "I could be grinding on the fact that without my stabilizing telescope mount he never would have found that stupid, little clump of cosmic schmutz." "But I'm bigger than that." "Fine." "What do you want me to do?" "Smile." "Crap, that's terrifying." "We're here to see Koothrappali, not kill Batman." "Try less teeth." "Close enough." "Come on." " Hey, Raj." " Hey, guys." "What's up?" "We just wanted to invite you out to dinner." "To celebrate your "30 under 30" thing." "Right, Sheldon?" "That's very nice of you." "I would like that." "Hello, boys." "Dr. Gablehauser." " Dr. Koothrappali." " Dr. Gablehauser." " Dr. Hofstader." " Dr. Gablehauser." " Dr. Cooper." " Dr. Gablehauser." "Mr. Wolowitz." "Boys, I've got a question for you:" "Who in this room discovered a star?" "Actually, 2008-NQ Sub-17 is a planetary body." "I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about me." "You, my exotic young friend, are my star." "But you didn't discover him." "You merely noticed he was here, much like he did with 2008-NQ Sub-17." "Sorry." "Boy, we've got to get you into a better office." "Something more suited to your status." "You don't have to go to any trouble." "How about Von Gerlich's old office?" "I'd rather have Fishbein's." "It's bigger." "Wait a minute, I called dibs on Fishbein's office the day he started showing up at work in his bathrobe." "He gets a new office, I can't even get paper towels in the men's room?" "Damn, this is hard." "Let me ask you something." "What do you think the business of this place is?" " Science?" " Money." "Told you." "And this boy's picture in People magazine is gonna raise us a pile of money taller than... well, taller than you." "I have a Master's degree." "Who doesn't?" "Have you ever had lunch in the president's dining room?" "I didn't even know there was a president's dining room." "It's the same food as the cafeteria, only fresh." " Come on, little buddy." " Okay, big buddy." "See you tonight, guys." "You can stop smiling now." "So anyway, after a fantastic lunch," "I was whisked off to the People magazine photo shoot..." "Have any of you boys ever been to a photo shoot?" "It's fantastic." "Apparently, the camera loves me and I, it." "They shot me in front of a starry background where I posed like this." "They're going to digitally add a supernova." "They say it's the perfect metaphor for my incandescent talent." "Right, a ball of hot, flaming gas that collapses upon itself." "Excuse me." "Oh, it's my assistant, Trevor." "Go for Koothrappali." "They gave him an assistant?" "If I want a new pen, I have to go to the bank with wire cutters." "Have we at this point met our social obligations?" "Not yet." "Okay, just put it on my calendar, but start thinking of a reason why I can't go." "All righty?" "Koothrappali out." "God bless that boy." "I don't know what I'd do without him." "You just got him this afternoon." "Yes, but I'm finding that having a lackey suits me." "A lackey?" "I'm sorry." "Is that politically incorrect?" "In India, we just call them untouchables." " Now?" " Almost." "Speaking of untouchables, I've got great news for you guys." "People magazine is having a reception this Saturday and I managed to get you invited." " Gee, thanks." " You're welcome." "Of course, I couldn't get you into the VIP section because, you know, that's for VIPs and you guys are just, you know..." "P's." "There's a tribe in Papua New Guinea where, when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village, they kill him and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin." "Superstious nonsense, of course, but one can see their point." "Here you go, Raj." "You might want to drink this one slowly." "So, Saturday night, can I count on my posse?" "Gee, I'd love to, Raj, but I can't make it." "No, I could..." "I can make it." "But I won't." "What are you talking about?" "There's a reception for my magazine article on Saturday." "And you guys aren't going?" "I can't believe you." "Raj is celebrating a tremendous accomplishment and you're not even going to support him?" "A tremendous accomplishment would be if the planetary body he discovered were plummeting toward Earth and he exploded it with his mind." "That would be cool." "I'd go to that reception." "Come on, this is huge." "Raj is gonna be in People magazine, and he didn't even have to knock up one of the Spears sisters." "Would you like to go with me?" "Of course I would." "I would be honored." "Really?" "Cool." "Shame on you guys." "Look at that, I got a date with Penny." "I can't believe it took you a whole year." " Now?" " Now." "Hey, buddy," "I'm going to be in People magazine." "Yeah, call me when you're on the cover." "Raj, look at you!" "I know." "I'm resplendent like the noonday sun, am I not?" "Yeah." "Starting with the champagne a little early, aren't you?" "It was in the limo." "They sent a limo." "I have a limo." "I just love saying "limo."" " Sip on it while you're getting ready." " I'm ready." "That's what you're wearing?" "Why, what's wrong with it?" "Nothing." "I was just hoping for something a little more, you know, ridonkulous." "Yeah." "Well, this is all the donkulous you're gonna get tonight." "Okey-dokey, let's roll." "All right, it's time to raise the roof!" " Hey, Leonard." " Dude." "You look very nice." "Thank you." " Come on." "Good night." " Good night." "Hey, Leonard, do you see my limo downstairs?" "It's bigger than the house my grandfather grew up in." " Terrific." " It has more food, too." "Come on." "Come on." "Good news." "You don't have to sulk about Penny anymore." "There are hundreds of Croatian women just waiting for you to contact them." "I'll lend you my user name." "It's "Wealthy Big Penis."" "You're joking." "You gotta make it easy for 'em." "They're just learning English." "Pass." "So you're just gonna sit around here and mope while Penny is out with Dr. Apu from the Kwik-E Mart?" "It's not a date, and that's racist." "It can't be racist." "He's a beloved character on The Simpsons." "Let's just eat so I can get to bed." "With any luck, tonight will be the night my sleep apnea kills me." "Did you ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced, not shredded?" "Even though the menu description specifies "shredded"?" "Brown rice, not white?" "Did you stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard?" "Did you pick up the low sodium soy sauce from the market?" " Thank you." " You're welcome." "What took you so long?" " Just sit down and eat." " Fine." "All right, it's shredded." "What do you want me to do?" "I want you to check before you accept the order." "Sorry." "Were you distracted by the possibility that Koothrappali might have intercourse with Penny tonight?" "He's not going to have intercourse with Penny." "Then there's no excuse for this chicken." "You know, this situation with Koothrappali brings to mind a story from my childhood." "Oh, goody, more tales from the panhandle." "That's northwest Texas." "I'm from east Texas, the Gulf region, home to many Vietnamese shrimpers." "Do the shrimpers feature in your story?" "Anyway, when I was eight, a Montgomery Ward delivery van ran over our family cat Lucky." " Lucky?" " Yes, Lucky." "He's irony-impaired." "Just move on." "Dead cat named Lucky." "Continue." "While others mourned Lucky," "I realized his untimely demise provided me with the opportunity to replace him with something more suited to my pet needs:" "a faithful companion that I could snuggle with at night, yet would be capable of killing upon telepathic command." "So not a puppy?" "Please, nothing so pedestrian." "I wanted a griffin." "A griffin?" "Yes, half eagle, half lion." "And mythological." "Irrelevant." "I was studying recombinant DNA technology, and I was confidant I could create one, but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen." "Of course, my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them." "Not that we don't all enjoy a good lion semen story," " but what's your point?" " My point is if Koothrappali is moving on to a new life of shallow undeserved fame, perhaps this is an opportunity to create a better cohort." "You want to breed a new friend?" "That's one option, but who has the time?" "But consider this-- the Japanese are doing some wonderful work with artificial intelligence." "Now, you combine that with some animatronics from the imagineers over at Disney, next thing you know, we're playing Halo with a multilingual Abraham Lincoln." "Don't take this the wrong way, but you're insane." "That may well be, but the fact is it wouldn't kill us to meet some new people." "For the record, it could kill us to meet new people." "They could be murderers or the carriers of unusual pathogens." "And I'm not insane." "My mother had me tested." "If we do get a new friend, he should be a guy you can trust." " A guy who has your back." " And he should have a lot of money and live in a cool place by the beach where we could throw parties." " And share our love of technology." " And he should know a lot of women." "Let's see, money, women, technology." "Okay, we're agreed." "Our new friend is going to be Iron Man." "Welcome to the Raj Mahal." "It's very nice." "Good night." " Wait." "The evening's not over." " Yes, it is." "No, it's time to put on some R. Kelly and suck face." "Is the evening over?" "Wait, wait, wait!" "That's my mommy and daddy calling from India." " I want you to meet my parents." " Wait." "Meet them?" "Hello, Mommy, Daddy." "Good to see you." "How are you?" "I'm not drunk." " Why would you say that?" " Just making conversation." "Mommy, Daddy, I want you to meet my new squeeze, Penny." "I'm not your squeeze." "There is no squeezing." "I can't see her." "Center her in the frame." "Here you go." "Cute, huh?" "She's not Indian." "So she's not Indian." "The boy is just sowing some wild oats." "There's no sowing, no squeezing and no sucking face." "What if he gets her pregnant?" "Is this little hotsy-totsy who you want as the mother of your grandchildren?" "What right do you have to pick with whom I can have children with?" "Look, Rajesh, I understand, you're in America." "You want to try the "local cuisine."" "Trust me." "You don't want it for a steady diet." "Now you listen to me." "I am no longer a child and I will not be spoken to like one." "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go throw up." " What's wrong with him?" " I don't know." "Maybe it's the local cuisine." "Well, it's nice to meet you." "I'm just gonna set you on down over here." "And I'm gonna leave, so... namaste." "And FYI, you'd be lucky to have me as a daughter-in-law." "She's feisty." "I like that." "Raj, what are you doing?" "No notes." "If you have something to say to me, say it." "Sorry." "Sweetie, it's okay."