"Mike." "Mike." "Mike, I'm trying to talk on the phone." "Right." "I didn't even notice, Carol." "Sorry." "Neat!" "Michael!" "Hi, guys." "Good afternoon, Father." "Oh, it's allowance day." " It is?" " Oh?" "What do you know?" "You kids really think you can con me." "I'm sorry, Father, I couldn't hear you." "I was dusting." "Please." "Okay." "Here's your blood money." "All right." "Just don't think for a minute I bought into your act... and thanks for going to the trouble of trying to deceive me." "Anytime." "And it warms my heart... to know that this room will be clean... and the laundry neatly folded by the time your mom gets home." "Hey, Dad, you gave me too much..." "Me, too." "He gave me double." "Yeah, me, too." "Hey, I don't like this." "Something smells rotten." "It's Ben." "No, it's February." "Remember?" "Yeah, it's Dad's annual birthday scam." "The old man thinks he's going to con us into spending all this on him." "Poor guy." " So, Carol, what are you going to get him?" " I'm not telling." "What, another preppy shirt like you get him every year?" "How, oh, how, will I ever top that?" "Well, I've got the perfect present." "What?" "I'm giving Dad the ashtray I created in school." "Great present for a guy who doesn't smoke." "Yeah, well, what are you going to get him?" " All right, you guys ready for this?" " Sure." " A book." " Dad already has a book." "Oh, my God, that's right." "I wish me a happy birthday I wish me a happy birthday" "I wish me a happy birthday" "'Cause I'm such a cool guy" " Hi, sweetheart." " Hi, honey." "How was your day?" "My day." "Listen, the old miracle-worker here had a major breakthrough... with a patient I've been treating for two years now." "Is that the vacuum cleaner?" "Yeah." "Yeah, the kids are cleaning." " So, anyway, this patient..." " All of them?" "Yeah." "So let me tell you about this guy." "Now, he was terrified of his own bodily fluids..." "How did you get them to do it?" "I'm a master communicator." " So how was your day?" " Fair." "Nothing exciting happened with any of your patients?" "No, no, no." " So how was your day?" " Fantastic." "Fred Mathis called me into his office... and assigned me an entire series for next week." "Really?" ""Let's get serious about raw sewage."" "Wow!" "I'm so excited." "Didn't you already do a story about waste?" "Well, I guess when they think of sewage, they think of me." "So, anyway, I'm really going to have my hands full this weekend." "This weekend?" " Saturday?" " Yep." "February the 8th?" "Yes." "Why?" "Do we have plans I don't know about?" "No, unless it just might be a special day for someone." "Oh, that's right." "How could I have forgotten?" "Presidents' Day." "So how was your day, sweetheart?" "All right now, Carol, if we both keep our heads... we can get through this birthday without losing our shirts." "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to mention shirts, Carol." "So how much you spending?" "I don't know." "How much you gonna spend?" " As much as it takes." " Okay, but not over $10." "$10?" "I only get $2 a week." "Okay, I can live with $10." "Of course, with a card it might cost a little more." " Did I say $10?" " Carol." " Mike." " All right, all right. $11." " $12." " $12.50." " $15." " Carol." "All right, okay. $25." "$40." "$200." "Now, I know it's not Valentine's Day." "That's the 14th." "I said never mind." "Come on, Jason, give me a hint." "No, if I have to do that, it ruins it." "Hi, punkinhead." "Well, Ben." "You're just in time." "Would you please remind your mother exactly what Saturday is?" " Groundhog's Day?" " That does it." "I'm going to my office where people not only appreciate me... they light candles on the day I was born." "You'd think after 17 years, he'd know that I wouldn't forget his birthday." "Wow, Ben." "You folded this all by your..." "Who drooled all over the laundry?" " You got a minute, Mom?" " Sure, honey." "I don't have enough money to get Dad anything good this year." "Well, didn't he double your allowance this week?" "Yeah, but you can't get anything for $4, nowadays." "Where you been?" "Honey, it's not how much you spend." "Tell that to Mike and Carol." "Look, Ben..." "I can't afford to get your father that Mercedes 450SL... he's always wanted." "So I'm getting him a nice fishing rod... and he knows I love him, so he'll love it." "I hope." "I know!" "For $4, you can get him some worms." "Get real, Mom." "I might as well just give him the stupid ashtray I made." "Well, that would be fine, punk, as long as it comes from your heart." "It looks like my heart." "Ben, your father is not expecting..." " a big expensive gift from you." " He isn't?" "No." "He doesn't care what you get him." "Great." "On the wedding night... it is very important to recognize that the couple... must communicate their desires... and to understand that you cannot read a closed book." "How often have you sat down to carve a turkey... and found yourself with a dull knife?" " Never." " Trust in the Lord... and all of your needs will be taken care of, for..." "The power of prayer." "Be not afraid to get down on your knees... and ask God for anything." "He shall provide." " Hello, God?" " What are you doing?" "I happen to be praying for money." "Ben, you can't pray for money." "Believe me, I've tried." "You actually think God's gonna send you a check or something?" "Amen." " Money for the needy?" " Thanks!" " Give me that, you little bandit!" " But I'm needy." "I'm not giving money away." "I'm collecting it." "Wise up." "For a minute there, I thought you were onto something." "But I need money!" " Join the club." " But this is life or death." " Whose?" " Mine." " I'm busy." " Mike!" "Okay, okay." "All right, look, Ben." "I want you to take this can and go from house to house." "With your pathetic look, you'll probably make a fortune." "Thanks, Mike!" "And thank you, God." "Thanks." "You guys didn't fool me." "I knew all along you remembered." " Remembered what?" " Look at this cake." " This is..." " It's a raging inferno." " Blow out the candles!" " Yeah." " I'm burning up in here, Dad." " All right." "I know what to wish for." "Well, not bad for an old geezer." "Well, the wish didn't work." "You're still here." "Here, Dad." "Open the good one first." "Yeah, thanks, Carol." " Hey, guys." " How juvenile." "Carol, now why do you want to disappoint the man?" "I mean, at his age, he can't take much of that." "That settles it." " I'll open Carol's first." " You know, you can be so insensitive... about the problems of older people." "Ben, what did you get me?" " The best should be last." " Well, will you just open something?" "And the longest shall be first." "All right, you guys can all wait while I open something from your mom." "Thank you, dear." "No, I changed my mind, Carol." "You go next." "No way." "You go next." "If you insist." "Yes, look at that." " Do you like it?" " Honey, I love it." " I can take it back." " No." "No, this is perfect." "Every time I kill a fish, I'll think of you." "Jason, that's so sweet." "Here, Dad, Carol wants you to open my gift, next." "Go ahead, Dad." "You could use a good laugh." "It's shoes, isn't it?" " That's funny, Dad." " Thank you, Ben." "Look at this! "Superstars of the '60s."" ""Relive the triumphs, the joy, the spirit of the '60s."" "Yes." "See, everybody on this album died of a drug overdose." "Groovy." " "Groovy." That means he likes it." " Okay, what's this?" "I wanted to get you something... that you could enjoy both as a person and as a psychiatrist." "Well, thank you." "I'm sure that both of me will love it." "And it is... two tickets to the off-Broadway production of Nuts." "That's so great." "Okay, my turn." "Ben." "Yeah, let's see what you got me." "Ta-da!" "Wow, you wrap this yourself?" "I had it done." "How sweet." "He spent all his money on wrapping." "Let's see what we got in here, Ben." "Wow, Ben... this is fabulous." " Maggie, I don't know what to say." " Neither do I." " I had nothing to do with this." " Oh, sure, you had nothing to do with it." "Jason, I didn't." "Ben..." "It does everything all by itself." "Even an idiot could work it." " Ben, where'd you get this?" " At Newstrom's Camera Store." "They throw in a leather case every time you spend over $300." "All right, I gotta ask." "What kind of allowance are you giving this kid, anyway?" " Ben, where did you get the money?" " Yeah, I'm interested." "Well, see, I needed money." "So I went around to all our neighbors' houses and asked for money for the needy." "Benjamin Seaver, where did you ever get an idea like that?" "From God and Mike." " Mike!" " Mike!" "So as you can see, Dad, what we have here is just a simple little mix-up." "Now, young Ben didn't realize that I was only joking... but I'm sure that you can see how that could happen... particularly since you are a trained psychiatrist... and, may I add, a damn good one." "How do you do that with a straight face?" "It's a gift." "Okay, that junk may work on Dad... but Mom knows raw sewage when she sees it." "Carol, I am her firstborn." "You might say the woman is putty in my hands." "Oh?" "But don't say that to me, because that woman... is my mother and I respect her." "I'm confused, Ben." "I don't get it." "I do not understand how you can go door to door, lie to people... take their money in the name of charity... and not have it occur to you that what you were doing was wrong." "It did seem too good to be true." "How could you act so stupidly?" "I forgot." "You got the idea from Mike." "Did I mention that the camera is self-winding?" " Ben." " And automatic focus?" "Really?" "Well, for once I wanted to get you a real gift." "Well, I know that and I appreciate it... and I thank you for the thought, but you don't show somebody... how much you love them by how much you spend on them... unless you're married to Pia Zadora." " Huh?" " Nothing." "So what do we do about this?" "You're asking me?" "I think that I'd like to see if you can come up with your own punishment... just to make sure you realize how serious this is." "Me?" "I get to pick whatever I want?" "I get to vote on it." "Well, some kids would say that they've suffered enough... but not me." "I say that every night this week, I should be sent to bed at... 9:00." "That is your bedtime, Ben." "Oh, yeah." "Okay, then, I don't get my driver's license until I'm 25." " Forget it." "I'll decide your punishment." " 26?" "And it never occurred to you, not even for a second... that Ben might take you seriously?" "No." "Nobody takes me seriously." "He does have a point." " Carol, go to your room." " Why, Mom?" "Because I said so, young lady." "Well, excuse me, then." "Good move, Mom." "Can it, Mike." "Now don't you know that Ben looks up to you... his big brother, as an example?" "Get out of here." "Look, I don't like it any more than you do... but don't you see the way he tries to talk like you... walk like you, dance like you, do everything like you?" "Oh, my God!" "Somebody should set this kid straight." "Too late." "He worships you." "Can't we tell him I'm scum or something?" "I did." "It only made him more interested." " I'm not sure I can live with this burden." " Well, you're stuck with it, Michael... and just so you don't forget it, you'll be donating your allowance... for the next month to charity." "But, Mom, you're acting like I did something really wrong here." "I did, didn't I?" "Okay, I think Ben understands what he did..." " and we've decided on his punishment." " We?" " First, we'll be returning the camera." " Good." " Then we will give back all the money." " Good." "By going house to house, so that Ben can tell everyone he lied." " Jason." " Okay, get your coat." " You're doing this now?" " Absolutely." " But it's almost dark." " So?" "Jason, I know he needs to be punished... but what if I explain it to the neighbors?" "No, I think that he's got to understand his own responsibility here." "But, Jason, he's our baby." " A little tyke." " Nine-and-a-half." "What do I know?" "Maggie, our "little tyke"... has committed a felony." "Don't forget your mittens, Ben." ""Raw sewage cannot simply be swept under the rug."" " No." " Mom?" "Yes, Carol?" "It's 9:00." "I know, honey." "I'm worried about them, too." "Can I come out of my room now?" "Oh, my God." "Sure, honey." "Come on down." "Sweetheart, I'm sorry I sent you to your room." "That was very unfair of me." "Yes, it was." "Well, let me tell you a little secret... and this is something I've never told you kids before." "Yeah?" "I'm..." "Well, I should just say it." "I'm not perfect." "Yeah, so what's the secret?" "Mom." "Mom." "I've prepared a lovely cup of Earl Grey tea for you with lemon... and an English muffin, lightly toasted." "Why, thank you, Michael." "That was very thoughtful of you." "Oh, and by the way, it is still a month's allowance... but I like your style." " Jason." " Shh!" "Is he asleep?" "Did I mention that there was cheese on that muffin?" "Here's your money back." "I'm sorry I lied about the charity." " It's okay, Son." "We're home now." " Oh." " I'm proud of what you did tonight." " Thanks." "Think you learned a lesson?" "When God gives me an idea, to check with you first." "Anything else?" "If you love somebody, you don't have to spend a lot on 'em." "That's right." " Good night, punk." " Good night." " Dad?" " Yeah?" "Happy birthday." "Ben, it's..." "An ashtray." "Yeah, I know." "What I was going to say was... it's the best birthday present I've gotten all year." "But you don't even smoke." "No, but some of my patients do." "Some of them want to quit." "I think your ashtray just might do the trick." "Is this an ashtray, or what?" "Look, you stick your butt right in the aorta." "Jason, you were right about the punishment." "I'm sorry I went soft on you." " Well, that's okay." "I kinda like you soft." " You do?" "Well, actually, it was pretty nice having you be the bad cop, for a change." "Really?" "You're very sexy when you're strict." "Well, in that case, go to your room, young lady." "English"