"Hello, Duke." "Hello, Mike." "Any luck today?" "I figured out a swell racket, and everything was going great until the cops came along." "Too bad it didn't work." "If them cops would stick to their own racket, we'd get somewhere in this country... without a lot of this relief and all that stuff." "Mike, I wouldn't worry." "Prosperity's just around the corner." "Yeah." "It's been there a long time." "I wish I knew which corner." "Well, Duke, I'm gonna turn in." " Bonsoir." " Bonsoir, Mike." "This is the place, all right." "That looks like one of them." " Looks pretty tough to me." " Stall Irene." "I'll talk to the fellow." " I told you about this place." " We got here first." "Well, she's not gonna get ahead of me." "Good evening." " Good evening." " How'd you like to make five dollars?" "Huh?" "I didn't quite catch what you said." "I said, how'd you like to make five dollars?" " Five dollars?" " Five dollars." "Well, I don't want to seem inquisitive, but what would I have to do for it?" "All you have to do is go to the Waldorf Ritz Hotel with me," "I'll show you to a few people, and then I'll send you right back." "May I inquire just why you would want... to show me to people at the Waldorf Ritz?" "Oh, if you must know, it's a game... a scavenger hunt." "If I find a forgotten man first, I win." "Is that clear?" "Yes, quite clear." "Shall I wear my tails, or come just as I am?" "You needn't be fresh." "Do you want the five dollars or don't you?" "Madam, I can't tell you how flattered I am... by your very generous offer." "However, I'll have to take it up with my board of directors." " Don't you touch me!" " No matter what my directors advise," " I think you should be spanked." " George, do something!" "Are you in the habit of hitting ladies?" "I'm in the habit of hitting gentlemen also, if that'll interest you." " Aren't you going to do anything?" " Let's get a policeman." " Who are you?" " I'm Irene." "That was my sister Cornelia you pushed in the ash pile." " Like me to push Cornelia's sister?" " I don't think I'd like that." " Then you'd better get out of here." " Oh, you bet." "Wait a minute!" "Sit down!" "I'm sitting." "What's up, Duke?" "Need some help?" "No, thanks, boys." "Got everything under control." "Are you a member of this hunting party?" "I was, but I'm not now." "Are they all forgotten men too?" "Yes, I guess they are, maybe." "Why?" "I couldn't help but laugh." "I've wanted to do that since I was six years old." " You wanted to what?" " Oh, push Cornelia in a pile of ashes." "That was Faithful George with her." "That isn't really his name." "He gets in everybody's hair." "His father's the broker." "That's very enlightening." "Cornelia thought she was going to win, and you pushed her." "Could follow an intelligent conversation for just a moment?" " I'll try." " Well, that's fine." "Do you mind telling me just what a scavenger hunt is?" "Well, a scavenger hunt is exactly like a treasure hunt." "In a treasure hunt you try to find something you want." "In a scavenger hunt you try to find something that nobody wants." " Hmm, like a forgotten man?" " That's right." "The one that wins gets a prize, only there really is no prize." "It's just the honor of winning." "The money goes to charity." "That is, if there's any money left over, and there never is." "Well, that clears the whole matter up beautifully." "I've decided I don't want to play any more games with human beings as objects." "It's kind of sordid when you think of it, when you think it over." "Yeah, well, I don't know." "I haven't thought it over." "I don't like to change the subject, but why do you live in a place like this?" "There's so many other nice places." " You really want to know?" " Oh, I'm very curious." "Because my real estate agent felt the altitude would be good for my asthma." " Oh, my uncle has asthma." " No!" "Well, now there's a coincidence." "Well, I suppose I should be going now, shouldn't I?" "That's a good idea." "I want to see who won the game." "I suppose it was Cornelia." "She probably got another forgotten man by now." "If you took me with you, you'd win the game?" "Is that the idea?" "Well, I might if I got there first." "But after seeing what you did to Cornelia, I'm not saying anything." "But you'd win if you got back first with me?" "It'd be awfully nice of you, but I don't like to ask." "Let's beat Cornelia." " It wouldn't be asking too much?" " Mm-mm." "See, I've got a sense of curiosity, just the same as you have." "I'd really like to see just what a scavenger hunt looks like." " But I told you!" " Yes." "I'm still curious." "Well, come on." "Thank you." " My name's Blake." " My name is Bullock." "The place slightly resembles an insane asylum." "Well, all you need to start an asylum... is an empty room and the right kind of people." "That's right." "Oh, good evening, Mrs. Jordan." "Look what I brought with me." "Oh, why, look!" " And the baby came along too!" " Here." "Take a look at the dizzy old gal with the goat." "I've had to look at her for 20 years." "That's Mrs. Bullock." "Alexander!" " Alexander!" "Alexander!" " I'm terribly sorry." "How do you think I feel?" "All right, Angelica!" "Alexander, Alexander, come here." "Look at the pretty goat." "Carlo and I found him in the Bronx." "Isn't he just sweet?" " He doesn't smell very sweet." " Oh, Alexander never did like animals." "Come on, goat, goat, goat." "Come on." "Come on." " Are you talking to me or that thing?" " Oh, Alexander!" "Don't be afraid of the stairs." "Angelica won't let anything happen to you." "Quick, quick, quick." "Come on." "Quick, quick." "Come on, goat, goat, goat." "Come on." "I have a goat!" "I have a goat!" "I have a goat!" "Will you please pay attention to me?" "I'm Mrs. Bullock, and I have a goat." "I have a goat!" "I have a goat!" "I have a goat!" "I have a goat!" "I know you've got a goat." "Will you please get Mrs. Bullock's goat?" "Get those things out of the way." "I have a little baby goat." "What am I supposed to do with that?" " What else do we have to find?" " What?" "What else do we have to get?" "All you have to get is one forgotten man and a bowl ofjapanese goldfish." "What?" "Get that thing out of the way!" "What?" "I said, a forgotten man and a bowl ofjapanese goldfish." "One man..." "Let's go." "AJapanese man." "A man and a bowl ofjapanese men." " I can't remember what he said." " How about going home?" " What are you talking about?" " How about going home?" "We just have two other things to get." "A bowl ofjapanese men and a forgotten goldfish." " Goldfish!" " I don't know about the goldfish!" "But if you want a forgotten man, you'll find me home in bed!" "I can't concentrate, Alexander." "Come along, Carlo." "Goldfish..." " Are all these people hunters?" " Oh, no, we work in groups." "Some are hunters, and some are receivers." " Sounds like a bankruptcy proceeding." " I never thought of that." " Who receives me?" " I have to take you to the committee." " You don't mind, do you?" " I can hardly wait." "Wait a minute!" "What have you there?" "This is Godfrey." "Is Cornelia back yet?" "I haven't seen Cornelia." "Where did you find him?" "Oh, Mr. Guthrie!" "Come on this way." "Mr. Guthrie!" "Mr. Guthrie!" "I have a forgotten man." "I have a forgotten man!" "Mr. Guthrie, this is Godfrey." "He's a forgotten man!" "Mr. Guthrie!" " A forgotten man!" " His name is Godfrey." " A forgotten man?" "You got all eight." " Yes." "Ladies and gentlemen, please, quiet, quiet." "Miss Bullock has a forgotten man." "Do you mind stepping up on the platform, please." "Yes, get right up on the platform, Godfrey." " Mind if I ask you a few questions?" " Fire away." " What is your address?" " City Dump 32, East River, Sutton Place." " It's rather fashionable over there." " In spots." " Is that your permanent address?" " The permanency is questionable." "See, the place is being rapidly filled in." " Mind if I ask a personal question?" " If it isn't too personal." " Are those whiskers your own?" " No one else has claimed them." "I must ask that question because one group... tried to fool the committee by trying to put false whiskers on one of their own." " May I, uh..." "May I, uh..." " What?" "Oh, it's a pleasure." "One more question." "Are you wanted by the police?" "Ah, that's just the trouble." "Nobody wants me." " Oh, very good answer." " Splendid, Godfrey." "You mean, nobody wants him?" "Nobody at all?" " Nobody." " Oh, that's too bad." "On the contrary, I sometimes find it a great advantage." "The committee is satisfied." "Miss Irene Bullock... wins 20 points for a forgotten man... and 50 points extra for bringing in the first one." " Oh, bravo!" " Speech!" "Speech!" "Group ten..." " Speech!" "Speech!" " Group ten wins the silver cup." " Oh, thank you." " Speech!" "Speech!" " They want a speech." "Come on!" " Speech!" "My purpose in coming here tonight was twofold." "Firstly, I wanted to aid this young lady." "Secondly, I was curious to see... how a bunch empty-headed nitwits conducted themselves." "My curiosity is satisfied." "I assure you it will be a pleasure for me... to go back to a society of really important people." " What did he call us?" " Nitwits." " Nitwits?" "What are they?" " I don't know." "The man's perfect!" "I've been wanting to say that, but I didn't have the nerve." "Oh, Godfrey!" "Oh, Godfrey!" "Oh, Godfrey, I'm terribly sorry." " That's all right." " I'd never brought you here." "This is the first time I've ever beaten Cornelia, and you helped me do it." "Well, that makes me a Cornelia beater, doesn't it?" "You've done something for me." "I wish I could do something for you." " Why?" " Because you've done something for me." "No, I don't see." "But I could use a job, if you've got one." " Can you "buttle"?" " "Buttle"?" "We're fresh out of butlers." "The one we had left this morning." "Irene, they're calling for you in the jade room." " Don't you want your cup?" " Tell them to keep their cup." "You can't talk to this man." "What will people think?" "I don't care what they think." "Godfrey's gonna be our butler." " He's gonna be whose butler?" " He's gonna work for us." "Oh, that's ridiculous." "You don't know anything about him." "He hasn't any recommendations..." "The last one had recommendations and stole all the silver." "That was merely a coincidence." "People that take in stray cats say they make the best pets." "I don't see what cats have got to do with butlers." "You mustn't pay any attention to my daughter." "She's very impulsive." " I'm not impulsive!" " Don't shout at your mother." " I will shout!" " Oh, Mrs. Meriwether, Irene is shouting." " You mean it's all over?" " Yes, she always shouts when she wins." "Run along, my good man." "Thank you so much for coming." "Thank you so, so much." "He will not run along!" "I think I'd better." "My word!" "There's Cornelia, and she has another one!" "You're a little late, Cornelia." "I've won the game." " Oh, you have?" " Where do I get my five bucks?" "Bucks?" "What..." "Will you talk to your sister?" "She wants to hire this man as a butler." "Why not?" "He might make a very good butler." "I'm sure I'd make a very good butler." "Hey, where do I get my five bucks?" "Bucks?" "Bucks?" "What's he talking about?" "What's he talking about?" " Five bucks!" " I promised him five dollars." "Well, give him the five dollars and the bucks too, and get him out of here... before your sister hires him as a chauffeur." "Why did I have to find out there's insanity on your father's side?" "Come along, Cornelia." "I hope, Godfrey, that you're very good at shining shoes." "I think we'd better drop the whole idea, don't you?" "I should say not." "You're gonna make the best butler we ever had." "And here." "You'll need some clothes and things, you know." "Oh, well, I..." "I told G. To lay out my other coat." "You have a wonderful sense of humor." "Thank you." "Well, then... good night." "Oh, uh, just one question." " What?" " Where do you live?" "Oh, 1011 Fifth." "Funny, I never thought of that." " No, you didn't." " No." "1011 Fifth." "Well, good night again." "Good night, Godfrey." " Good morning." " Good morning." " I'm the new, uh..." " Yes, I know." "You're the new butler." " How did you know?" " There's one every day at this hour." "They're dropping in and out all the time." "Why is that?" "Some get fired, some quit." " Is the family that exacting?" " No, they're that nutty." " May I be frank?" " Is that your name?" " No, my name is Godfrey." " All right, be frank." "You're, uh, quite an enthusiast." "Don't you worry about me." "I'm a seasoned campaigner." "Uh, may we be friends?" "Oh, I'm friends with all the butlers." "Sit down." "What's a three-letter sea bird with an "R" in the middle?" "That's..." "Oh, I..." "I don't know." "You're no help." "Where'd you get the trick suit?" "What's the matter with it?" "Well, it might look better if you took the rental tag off the coat." "Oh... thanks." "Does the butler have quarters here in the house, or is that necessary?" "Oh, you won't need any quarters." "Hang your hat near the door... so you can get it quickly on the way out." "What's that?" "That's the old battle axe." "She usually rings about this time." " The old battle axe?" " Mrs. Bullock." "She's the mother type." " Well, don't you do anything about it?" " Mrs. Bullock or the buzzer?" " The buzzer." " Not the first time." "If she has a hangover, she'll ring again in a minute in no uncertain terms." "Then, brother, you better grab her tomato juice and get going." "Ah, there she blows." "Well, Cupid, this is your big opportunity." "Shall I take it to her?" "You might as well know the worst." " I want to warn you, she sees pixies." " Pixies?" " You know, the little men." " Oh, those." "I know how to take care of those." "Have you any Worcestershire?" "What are you gonna do with that?" "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." "What do you want to do?" "Scorch her windpipe?" "There's nothing like a counterirritant." "Where do I find her?" "You better go this way." "It's quicker." "The upper landing, to the left." " Just which is her..." " That's her cage up there, first door." " Oh." "Wish me luck." " Happy landing." "What day is it, Molly?" " I'm not Molly." " Who isn't?" "I'm not." "Stop jumping up and down, so I can see who you are." " I'm not jumping." " That's better." " What's your name?" " Godfrey." "Are you someone I know?" "We met last night at the Waldorf Ritz." "Oh, yes, you were with Mrs. Maxton's party at the bar." "Or were you?" "I'm the forgotten man." "So many people have such bad memories." "That's so true." "Why do they keep playing that same tune over and over again?" "Why do they?" "Don't you hear it?" "Oh... yes, yes, I do, in a way." "Always the same tune over and over again." "May I, uh..." "May you what?" "Where are you?" "What's that?" "Pixie remover." "Oh." "Then you see them too." "We're old friends." "Yes, but you mustn't step on them." "I don't like them, but I don't like to see them stepped on." "I'll be very careful." "I wouldn't hurt them for the world." " What am I supposed to do with this?" " Drink it." "And they'll go away very quickly." "Very, very quickly." "You must never be rough with them." "You must always send them away quietly." " Is that better?" " Yes." "You're a great help." "Go away, little men." "Go away." "Shh, shh, shh." "Oh, but..." "Oh, you haven't told me who you are." "I'm Godfrey, the forgotten man." "I'm the new butler." " Are you that ugly man with the beard?" " The same." "Oh, you've changed." "I should never have known you." " Thank you." " You're very comforting." "I hope I'll see more of you." "Maybe I'd better not drink any more of this, or you might go away too." "I put your hat at the foot of the stairs." "You can go out the front way." " I think I won the first round." " You're still working here?" " Haven't heard anything to the contrary." " You just got by the cub." " Try the lioness." " Oh, which is she?" "Her name's Cornelia." "She's a sweet-tempered little number." " Yes, I met her last night." " You've got a treat coming." "You never met her in the morning." "Second door." "Who are you, and what are you doing in here?" "Get out!" "I don't want a hobo serving my breakfast!" "Don't ever come here again, if you know what's good for you." "I'm afraid I lost the second round." "Hey, I want the new butler to bring me breakfast!" "Opportunity never stops knocking in this house." "Want to try again?" " How is she in the morning?" " Not as violent, but more insidious." "Here goes." "I'll leave your things right up here, so you won't forget them." "Good morning." "I brought your breakfast." "A" " Are you the new butler?" " Don't you remember last night?" " What happened to Godfrey?" " I'm Godfrey." " Oh, you look so different." "What happened to those nice whiskers?" "Turn around." "Let me look at you." "You're the cutest thing I've ever seen." "Thank you." "Will there be anything else?" "Yes." "Sit down and talk to me." "I like to talk in the morning... especially if you've been somewhere the night before." "Don't you think it'd be better if I talked standing?" "No." "If you're uncomfortable, I get uncomfortable," "I get uncomfortable and forget what I have to say." "If you insist." "But it doesn't seem in very good form for a butler." "Oh, you're more than a butler." "You're the first protege I ever had." " Protege?" " You know, like Carlo." " Who is Carlo?" " He's Mother's protege!" "You know, it's awfully nice Carlo having a sponsor, because he doesn't have to work and he gets more time for his practicing." " And that makes a difference." " Yes, I imagine it would." "Do you play anything?" "Oh, I don't mean games." " I mean the piano and things like that." " Well, I..." "It doesn't really make any difference." "It's funny how some things make you think of other things." "Yes, very peculiar." " Makes me feel so mature and grown up." " What does?" "Having a protege." "You're the first one I ever had." " You've never had others?" " You're the first, and it's thrilling." "Not only does it occupy my mind, but it's character-building too." "Mm-hmm." "Just what does a protege have to do?" "Well, you just go on buttling, and I sponsor you." "Don't you see?" "Yeah, it's getting clearer." "It's really not much work, and it's gonna be such fun." "I'm sure it's going to be heaps of fun." "For instance, if Cornelia got mean, you wouldn't have to do anything about it." "I'm your sponsor, and I'd just take a sock at her." "I hope that'll never be necessary." "I just wanted to give you the idea." "That's fine, but a protege has certain responsibilities also." "For instance, if someone should ring for me now and I didn't answer, that would reflect upon you because you're my sponsor." " Don't you see?" " Yes, I never thought of that." "You don't know how nice it is having some intelligent person to talk to." "It's been very enlightening to me too." "Oh, I just thought of something." "Do you know what you are?" " I'm not quite sure." " You're my responsibility." " That's very nice." " See you in church." "Good morning." "Fine morning, sir." "Yes, it is a fine morning." "Don't be in a hurry." "You see, I'm the old-fashioned type." "And I was also middleweight champion when I was in college." "I thought you might like to know that before this thing starts." "Well, you see, sir, I'm the new butler." "I just served Miss Irene her breakfast." "Do you always take a change of wardrobe when you serve breakfast?" "Well..." "I think this young lady can explain." "He really is the new butler, Mr. Bullock." "I can't imagine how his things got in the hallway." "I still don't get it." "But if you are the new butler, why didn't you say so?" "I'm very sorry, sir." "May I?" "There's a man at the door to see you." "I think it's another process server." " Another one?" " Yes, sir." "Well, here I am again with another little present..." "Yes, I've heard that before." "Which one of the family is it this time?" "Miss Cornelia." "Last night, she busted up a few windows along Fifth Avenue." " I'm sorry, but girls will be girls." " Good-bye." "In this family, it's one subpoena after another." "Mr. Bullock, there's a handsome cab driver waiting in the kitchen." " What's he want?" " He wants $50 and his horse." "What horse?" "The one Miss Irene rode up the front steps last night." "Where is his horse?" "I haven't got it." "It's in the library, where Miss Irene left it." "Well, do you begin to get the idea?" "Come here, my man." "Do you like your place here, so far as you've gone?" "I find it very entertaining." "Yes, we are a very entertaining family." "You really think you're going to like it here?" "I must admit it's more desirable than living in a packing case on a city dump." "Oh, that's where I met you, isn't it?" " Yes, miss." " Oh, yes, yes." "I remember now." "We were playing some sort of a game..." "a scavenger hunt, I think." "We needed a forgotten man." "I asked you to go to the Waldorf Ritz Hotel with me, and I'm a little bit hazy as to just what happened after that." " I pushed you into an ash pile." " Oh, yes, of course you did." "It was very amusing." "They were nice, clean ashes." " I'm very sorry, miss." " I didn't mind at all." "It was very amusing." "Have you a handkerchief?" "There's a spot on my shoe." "Would you see what you can do about it?" "I could have you fired, you know?" "But I like to see things wriggle." "When I get through with you, you'll go back to your packing case on the city dump and relish it." "People don't make a practice of pushing Cornelia Bullock into ash piles." "I'll make your life so miser..." " Hello, Godfrey." " Greetings, Irene." " I like your new monkey suit." " Thank you for picking it up." " It fits very well for a hand-me-down." " I'm more or less standard." "How do you like my new pajamas?" "I think they're very nice." "Thank you." " I heard what you said to Godfrey." " So what?" " So you leave him alone!" " Who's gonna make me leave him alone?" "If you don't, you'll get a good sock from me." " Oh, the physical type." " What I say goes." "Since when did you start falling in love with butlers?" "I'm not in love with him." "He's my protege." "Oh, your protege." "That's why you're picking out his suits for him." "Suppose Father hears about this." "How long do you think Godfrey will last?" "Father isn't going to hear about it." "You seem terribly sure of everything." "If Father hears about Godfrey, he's also going to hear about you and that college boy." "I don't know what you're talking about." "But if Father does hear about it, I'm likely to do a little socking myself." "Little Red Riding Hood didn't have enough charm to trap a wolf her own age, so she falls in love with the butler and lives happily ever after." " If you know what I mean." " I know, if you know what I mean." " May I come in?" " You're in, aren't you?" "Very interesting book." "The Greeks of the Middle Ages." "Oh, Irene would like that." "You love the Middle Ages, don't you, dear?" "Ahh." "Oh, Carlo!" "Who's giving the concert tonight?" " The great Kalininski." " Oh, the pianist?" " No, cellist." " What difference does it make?" "Oh, it's so nice to see you two girls having a pleasant chat." "Or is it a pleasant chat?" "Well, well, well!" "Imagine the Bullocks gathered together in one room." " Don't forget Carlo." " I'm not going to forget Carlo." "Don't bother about me." "I feel like one of the family." "Don't you go away." "You don't mind if I discuss a few family matters, do you, Carlo, old boy?" " No, not at all." " Oh, Alexander, you're not going to bring up those sordid business matters, I hope." "I've just been going over last month's bills, and you people have confused me with the Treasury Department." "Don't start that again, Dad." "I don't mind giving the government 60% of what I make." "But I can't do it when my family spends 50%!" "Well, why should the government get more money than your own family?" "That's what I want to know." "Why should the government get more?" "Well, that's just the way they have of doing things." "Oh!" "Money, money, money!" "The Frankenstein monster that destroys souls!" "Please don't say anything more about it!" "You're upsetting Carlo!" "We've got to come to an understanding right now!" " Either Carlo is or I am." " Am what?" "Well, one of us has got to, and that's all there is to it." "You're inebriated." "You don't know what you're talking about." "Who would know what they're talking about, living with a bunch like this?" "There's one thing I do know." "What this family needs is discipline." "I've been a pretty patient man." "But when people start riding horses up the front steps... and parking them in the library, that's going a bit too far." " Horses?" " Are you insinuating I rode a horse?" "Maybe that wasn't a horse I saw in the library." "I'm positive I didn't ride a horse." "I didn't have my riding costume on." " Irene rode the horse up the steps." " What horse?" "Don't play innocent." "I begged you not to do it." "I didn't ride a horse!" "But if I did ride a horse, who broke those windows on Fifth Avenue?" " What windows?" " You know what windows!" "And how about that college sap?" "Yah, yah, yah!" "I don't care who broke the horse, rode the window or yah, yah, yah'ed." "But this family's got to settle down!" "Will you stop bellowing!" "Look what you're doing to Carlo." " Hang Carlo!" " Ohhh!" "You've exhausted my patience!" " Did you make these?" " I helped." " They must be wonderful." " I'd like to help, if you'll let me." " I'd feel honored." "You might as well face the situation." "I've lost a lot of money." " You have?" " Yes, I have." "Maybe you left it in your other suit." "If things keep on, it won't be long till I don't have another suit." "Which ones are poisoned?" "Thank you." "While we're on the subject, how about this business of certain people... picking up anybody they find on the city dump and dragging them into the house?" " We might all be stabbed and robbed." " Who's going to stab who?" "We don't know a thing about certain people." "Someone should speak to Irene about picking up strays." " What's a stray?" " You shut up!" " Me?" " No." "Cornelia." "I will not shut up." "My life is precious to me." " It won't be in a minute." " Now, now, children." "Come, Carlo." "Come and get some nice hors d'oeuvre." "I think we should get our help from employment agencies." "I don't know but I agree with Cornelia." "What are you all talking about?" "You upset Carlo, and now you're upsetting Irene." "Don't you remember her breakdown last summer?" "I certainly do." "That's why I'm not paying any attention to this." "If Mother can sponsor Carlo, why can't I sponsor Godfrey?" "Godfrey knows I'm not being personal, but none of us would like to wake up some morning stabbed to death." "You mustn't come between Irene and Godfrey." "He's the first thing she's shown any affection for since her Pomeranian died." "Now, now, Irene." "You mustn't have a spell." "Carlo, quick, quick, give me a sofa cushion." "Here." "Come, darling, lift up your head like a good girl." "There now, darling, don't cry." "Now, now, darling." "She's not having a spell." "That's old stuff." "Darling." " What is all this nonsense?" " Will you be quiet!" "You never did understand them." "Why don't you get a doctor?" " I don't want a doctor!" " Do you want an ice bag?" " I want to die!" " You mustn't do that." "She makes me ill." "Let's get out of here." "Carlo, do the gorilla for Irene." "It always amuses her." " I'm not in the mood." " Stop eating and get in the mood." " Here." " All right." "I'll do it, but my heart won't be in it." "Irene, be a good girl and sit up and look at Carlo." "You know it always amuses you." "Come on, quick." "Go ahead, go ahead!" "Go on, Carlo." "Quickly." "Look, Irene!" "Look at Carlo!" "Isn't that lovely?" "Oh, isn't that clever, Irene?" "Look!" "Carlo, come down." "She can see you better." "She's starting to laugh." "Isn't he clever?" "Carlo, come down where Irene can see you." "She's starting to laugh." "Isn't that funny?" "Oh, he's on the door." "Look!" "Look!" "He frightens me!" "No, darling, you mustn't be frightened." "He's just playing." "Darling, look at Carlo." " Look, darling, look." "Isn't he clever?" " No!" "Why don't you stop imitating a gorilla and imitate a man?" "You wouldn't know an artist if one came up and bit you!" "This family doesn't need any stimulant." "I'll be in my room." "You can repeat this order in 30 minutes." "Someday I'm going gorilla hunting, and I won't miss." "Has Cornelia gone?" "Yes, darling, she's gone." " Where's Godfrey?" " He's here." "Don't go away, Godfrey." "We'll be late for the concert." "I'll be right with you." "Godfrey's right here." "Godfrey, come over here so Irene can look at you." " Here's Godfrey, darling." " Where?" "Right here." "Look." "Say hello to Irene so she'll know who you are." " Hello." " Oh, hello, Godfrey." "And he's promised to stay on." "Haven't you, Godfrey?" " If I'm wanted." " Of course you're wanted, isn't he?" " Yes." "Go away." " I'm going." "Take good care of her." "Yes, Carlo, I'm coming." "Good-bye, darling, good-bye." "I beg your pardon?" "I'm sorry, but I didn't quite hear..." "I said, I'm not really having a spell." "Hey, cook, you'd better put this back on the fire." "Looks like we've lost most of our customers." "Well, what's the matter, handsome?" "Did something frighten you?" "What kind of family am I up against?" "There are some things even I can't answer." "Do they go on this way all the time?" " Oh, no!" "This is just a quiet evening." " Quiet evening?" "If I were you, I'd get rid of that lip rouge." "Makes you look a little like Cupid." "You'll find Godfrey in his room." "How did you know I want to see Godfrey?" "I don't know." "It just came over me." "Oh, you..." "you can't come in here." "Why not?" "It's our house, isn't it?" "One room is just like any other room." "Besides, I want to talk." "I'm terribly sorry, but we can't talk here." "Don't you think it's indecent of you to order me out after you kissed me?" "After I kissed you, did you say?" "Isn't it funny?" "This morning you were sitting on my bed; now I'm on yours." "We'll overlook that startling coincidence." " Uh, will you sit over here, please?" " The bed's comfortable." " If it isn't, I'll get you another." " We'll have our talk here." "If you want a new bed, you can have it." "Uh, the bed's very comfortable, thank you." "Much more so than I am at the moment." "Any time you're uncomfortable, you just let me know." "Thank you." "Hasn't anyone ever told you about certain proprieties?" "You use such lovely big words." "I like big words." "What does it mean?" "I'll try to simplify it." "Hasn't your mother or anyone ever explained to you... that some things are proper and some things are not?" "She rambles on quite a bit, but she never says anything." " But you want me to remain, don't you?" " Oh, of course!" "And I want to justify your faith in me by being a very good butler... and filling the void created by the death of your late, lamented Pomeranian." "Oh, I've forgotten about him." "He had fleas, anyway." "Besides, you're different." "You use big words, and you're much cuter." " May I tell you a story?" " I'd love it." "Once there was very sentimental little girl with a very kind heart, and she helped a man who was very grateful." "Then she became a nuisance and undid all the fine work she had done." " Is it someone you know?" " Her name is Irene Bullock." "If she was a smart girl, she'd pick out some nice chap in her own social set... and marry him and live happily ever after... and never, never enter the butler's room again." " I never can come in here again?" " Never." " When can we talk?" " When I'm serving breakfast," "I can say good morning and you can say good morning." " But you must never come into my room." " You'll be sorry!" " I'm only trying to be helpful." " You're being mean!" "I'll do something!" "You wait and see!" "You'll be sorry!" "You'll be sorry!" "#Ochi Chornie #" "#Ochi Chornie #" "#Ochi Chornie #" "#Ochi Chornie #" "That's a very pretty tune." "What's the name of it?" "#Ochi Chornie #" "Oh, that's the name too." "I thought it was just the words." "I like it because the words are all the same." "That's probably why "The Star Spangled Banner" is so confusing." "Nobody seems to know the words." "Except, perhaps, Godfrey." "He seems to know everything." " Do you know the words?" " The words?" "Yes, yes. "The Star Spangled Banner. " Nobody seems to know the words." "Do you know them, Godfrey?" "I suppose I know as many as the average person." "I feel ashamed of myself." "I should know them all." "After all, my ancestors came over on the boat." "Not the Mayflower, but the boat after that." "What did your ancestors come over on, Godfrey?" "As far as I know, they've always been here." "They weren't Indians, I hope." "One can never be sure of one's ancestors..." "You know, you have rather high cheekbones." "Yes, ma'am." "Thank you, ma'am." "These flowers came for Irene." "Where shall I put them?" "Well, ask her." "There she is now." "Yes, ma'am." "Psst, Carlo." "Did you notice his cheekbones?" "These flowers just came for you, miss." "Where shall I put them?" "What difference does it make when one's heart is breaking?" "Yes, miss." "Shall I put them on the piano?" "Life is but an empty bubble." "You don't sound very cheerful for a girl who's giving a tea party." "Why should anyone be cheerful?" "Oh, is Irene giving a tea party?" " You're not invited." " I'll invite myself." " Let's stick around, George." " Sure." "Why not?" "All I have to say is, some people will be sorry someday." " Naturally, everybody will be someday." " For what?" "Some people will know for what, and then it will be too late." "This conversation is very confusing." "Now, now, Irene." "You mustn't confuse Carlo." "He's practicing." "Do you know any good funeral music, Carlo?" "Shut up!" "Are you acting for anybody in particular?" "Godfrey might be interested, if he'd only turn around and look." "Oh, I remember that pose so well." " I learned in dramatic school." "Eight?" " Yeah, that's number eight." "Am I spoiling your act, dear?" "I'll spoil something of yours someday, and it won't be your act." "Do you suppose Miss Irene would like sandwiches served in here, or shall I create a sort of buffet?" "Where do you want the sandwiches served?" " What is food?" " Something you eat, silly." "Do you want the sandwiches served in here, or don't you?" "What difference does it make?" "Some people do as they like... with other people's lives, and it doesn't make any difference." " What did I call?" " Five, hearts." "Was it hearts?" "I meant spades." "I can't change, can I?" "That music has me so confused." "Carlo, please!" "Hi, Irene." "Why the shroud?" "Listen, Van Rumple, just because some people have a million dollars... doesn't mean they can put their arms around other people." "Brrr!" "Where's the bar?" "Don't take her seriously." "The servant problem's been bothering her lately." "No, thank you." "I'm not hungry." "No, thank you." " Four, clubs." " Oh, just a minute, Godfrey." "Uh, bye." " Hello, everybody!" " Hello, Tommy." " Oh, Tommy Gray!" " Hello there." "What's the matter with you, Godfrey?" "Are you ill?" "Come along, Tommy, and give Angelica a hug." "How's everything in Boston?" "All the beans and things?" "We're rounding them up and putting them in cans." " How are you, darling?" " What does it matter how I am?" " The whole thing is only a delusion." " What thing?" " You wouldn't understand." " Well, I don't so far." "I'm famished." "How about something to eat?" "Oh, Godfrey, bring Mr. Gray a sandwich." "It's your play." "Well, come around here Mr. Gray's not an acrobat." "What's come over you?" "You're beginning to act like the rest of the family." " Hey, wait a minute!" " What's the trouble?" "Godfrey Parke, you old mug!" " Oh, do you know Godfrey?" " We went to Harvard together." "I'm afraid you've confused me with someone else." "I'm Smith, remember?" "Sure, you're Smith." "We did go to college together?" " Or did we?" " A butler with a college education." " He's not really the butler?" " And a very good one." "You mean, this is not a gag just for my benefit?" "Mr. Gray neglected to tell you that when we were in Harvard, I was his valet." " Was he a good servant, Tommy?" " Excellent." " What's the idea?" " I'll tell you later." " Mr. Gray never complained." " When?" "No, I had very few complaints about Godfrey's work." "I'll tell you tomorrow." "It's my day off." "Strange, you never gave Mr. Gray as a reference." "You see, I left Mr. Gray under very unusual circumstances." " What circumstances?" " I'd rather Mr. Gray told you." "Well, don't go away." "Come here and tell us all about it." "Godfrey's a very mysterious person." "Nobody seems to know about him." " Don't go away, Godfrey." " No, no, don't go away, Godfrey." "You see, I didn't want to say anything about this." "But, you see, Godfrey had been working for us as a butler and whatnot, and things had been going along very well... when all of a sudden it happened... just like that." "You're sure you want me to tell all this, Godfrey?" "Well, you see, as I said, he'd been working for us for some time, when one day he came to me and said," ""Mr. Gray, I trust my work has always been satisfactory. "" "I said, "Why, of course." "I've never had more satisfactory work in all my life. "" "And he said, "Thank you, Mr. Gray. "" "He was always a very courteous man, Godfrey." "Godfrey is still extremely courteous, especially in the morning." "Well, it's not much of a story." "Maybe we'd better skip it." "Come on, Tommy, finish it." "You can't stop in the middle." " Where was I?" " Telling us how polite Godfrey was." "And that's where I said that Godfrey was still very polite." "Thank you, Mrs. Bullock." "It's a pleasure to have you say so publicly." "That's my nature." "I never say anything behind your back I won't say in public." "That's what I admire about you, Angelica." "That's nice of you, Tommy." "What about the story?" "Well, anyway, Godfrey said, "I trust my work has been satisfactory, sir. "" "That was about the gist of it, wasn't it, Godfrey?" "Those may not have been my exact words, sir, but that was about the gist of it." "We'll settle for that." "You said he was very satisfactory." "He said thank you, and then what?" " I had to take an attitude." " What kind of an attitude?" "Well, the only kind I could take toward a faithful servant." "But Godfrey decided in favor of his wife and five children." " Five children?" "My, my!" " Five." "Tsk, tsk, tsk." "Was his wife an Indian woman?" "She was rather dark." "We used to take her on hunting trips to stalk the game." "Godfrey!" "Why didn't you tell me you had five children?" "Why shouldn't Godfrey have five children?" "If a woman in Canada can have five children, why can't Godfrey?" "You see?" "I owe the creation of my family to Mr. Gray's generosity." "Well, if other people can have five children, so can other people." "Personally, I think two are plenty, and Bullock agrees with me." "Listen, everybody, I want to make an announcement about something." "What do you want to announce?" " I'm going to be married." " Married?" "To whom?" " Well, you'll find out soon enough." " Not Charlie Van Rumple?" " Yes, Charlie Van Rumple." "Where is he?" " He's at the bar." "I've had my arm around her before, but this is the first time I ever felt that chill." " Congratulations, old boy." " Congratulations about what?" " Your engagement, you slug." " What engagement?" "Why, you're engaged to Irene, aren't you?" " Am I?" " Don't be ga-ga!" "Come on!" " I hear we're engaged." " You said it." " When did it happen?" " Just now." " What's all the excitement?" " I think she's got herself engaged." "Oh, has she again?" "It must be that nice boy in the brown suit." "Let's go and congratulate them." "You're a lucky boy." "I know I am." "I'm not Van Rumple." " Oh, you're not?" "Which one is he?" " There he is." "You'll pardon me, I hope." " You're Van Rumple, aren't you?" " Oh, yes." " Oh, you'll take good care of her." " I imagine so." "My mind's a little cloudy." "I don't even remember proposing." "You're always proposing." " Which one did you take me up on?" " All of them." "How do you think Godfrey'll feel about your engagement?" " What has Godfrey got to do with it?" " I wonder." " You mind your own business." " All right, let's have those." " Come on, everybody." " Are you going to congratulate Irene?" " She just got herself engaged." " I'd be very happy to." "Godfrey, come congratulate Irene." "May I congratulate you, Miss Irene?" "I wish you all the happiness in the world." "Just leave her alone." "She'll be all right in a minute." " Is she mad at me?" " She's not mad at anybody." "Women always cry at their own engagements and other people's weddings." " Why?" " I don't know why, but they just do." "Irene is so peculiar." "She shouts when she weeps and cries when she's happy." " Alexander, you missed the excitement." " What's going on?" "I knew what I wanted to say, but somehow it slipped my mind." " What's the matter with Irene?" " Oh, yes, that's it!" " Irene's got engaged." " To whom?" "Van something or other." "I think he's that boy with his arm around that girl." " He's got lots of money." " He'll need it." "Godfrey, let's you and I have a good cry." "How about lunch by my hotel tomorrow?" "Yes, sir." "Do you prefer soda or ginger ale?" " Both. 12:00?" " Very good, sir." "Make up your mind just who she's going to marry." "I'd like to meet the guy." "I don't know, Alexander." "It's one of those boys in there." "Come along, now." "You're not eating well this morning, sir." " You notice everything." " Business trouble, sir?" "What made you ask that?" "Well, sir, butlers can't help picking up scraps of news, shall we say?" "We shan't say anything about it." "I thought I might be of some help, sir." "I dabbled in the market at one time." "One dabbler in the family is quite enough." " Very good, sir." "Your eggs." " No, thank you." "Godfrey, you seem to be a pretty good sort." "Have you noticed anything queer about me lately?" "Nothing particularly, sir." "I sometimes wonder whether my whole family's gone mad or whether it's me." "I know how you feel." "I've felt that way many times since I've been here." "Then why do you stay here?" "I have to; you don't." "It's much more comfortable than living in a packing box on the city dump, sir." "Besides, I'm rather proud of my job here." " You're proud of being a butler?" " Proud of being a good butler." "And I may add, sir, a butler has to be good to hold his job here." "Say... who are you?" "I'm just a nobody, sir." "Coffee?" "Godfrey, here I am." "So you've turned up at last, eh?" "I began to think you had fallen down the kitchen sink." "Sorry I'm late, Tommy." "It's hard to make beds full of people." "Waiter!" "You seem to do everything except put out the cat." "I suppose I'd do that too, only we have no cat." "The same for me." "What will you have, Jarvis, my man?" "Make it a rousing old lemonade." "Lemonade?" "You sure you can handle it?" "Oh, yes, I'm the type who can take it or leave it alone." "You see, now that I'm a working man, I have to keep my wits about me." "I'm beginning to wonder if you've got any left." "Don't avoid the issue." "I've been sitting here like a snoopy old maid... with her ears flapping in the breeze, waiting to hear the dirt." "What dirt would you like to hear?" "Well, when I see one of the Parkes of Boston serving hors d'oeuvre..." "I think I'm entitled to a pardonable curiosity." "Why tell you something that you won't understand?" "You've fallen off so many polo ponies that your brain is scrambled." "But I still want to know why you're buttling, when your family is telling everybody that you're in South America." "A family has to say something to save its face." "The Parkes disgrace very easily." "I'd like to see their faces when they find out that you're a butler." " They're not going to find it out." " Come to the point." "Well, there isn't much of a point." "Do you remember that little incident up in Boston?" "You still have that woman on your mind?" "No, not anymore." "But I was pretty bitter at the time." "So I gave her everything I had and just disappeared." "You know, the Parkes were never educated to face life." " We've been puppets for ten generations." " And?" "Tommy, it's surprising how fast you can go downhill... when you begin to feel sorry for yourself." "And boy did I feel sorry for myself!" "I wandered down to the East River one night, thinking I'd just slide in and get it over with." "But I met some fellows living there, on a city dump." "They were people who were fighting it out and not complaining." "I never got as far as the river." "Would you do me a big favor?" " Who do you want killed?" " I'll do my own killing." "Go around the corner and telephone this place and ask for Tommy Gray." "When you get him on the wire, keep him there." " What's this all about?" " Don't ask too many questions." "Okay." "And so out of the ruins of Godfrey Parke... a new edifice has sprung up in the form of Godfrey Smith." "And, I may add, the edifice is going to keep on springing." "Do you intend to remain a butler?" "No, I have some other ideas in mind." "But you wouldn't understand those either, so we won't go into that." " Will you do me a favor?" " Maybe." "I have a friend in town, a very eminent brain specialist." "I'd like him to examine you." "I'll submit to an examination, if you will also." "That's a bet." " Are you Mr. Gray?" " Yes." " You're wanted on the phone." " On the phone?" "What the..." "Back in a minute, Godfrey." " Well, the mystery's solved." " The mystery?" "Yes." "Now I know what a butler does on his day off." "When you worked for Mr. Gray, were the two of you always this chummy?" "You see, I worked for Mr. Gray a long time, and we got to be..." "Yeah, that was under the name of Smith, wasn't it?" "Or did I hear him mention the name of Parke?" "He may have said that we used to take long walks in the park." " A sort of custom." " Oh, yes, I see." "Well, if you can be so chummy with the Grays, why can't you be chummy with the Bullocks?" " I try to keep my place." " Why?" "You're very attractive." " As a butler?" " No, as a Smith." " You're a rotten butler." " Sorry." "Are we going to be friends?" "I feel that on my day off, I should have the privilege of choosing my friends." "You can't go on like this forever." "You really like me, and you're afraid to admit it, aren't you?" "Do you want me to tell you what I really think of you?" " Please do." " As Smith or as a butler?" " Choose your own weapon." " You won't hold it against me?" " It's your day off." " Very well." "You belong to that unfortunate category... that I would call the Park Avenue brat." "A spoiled child who's grown up in ease and luxury, who's always had her own way, and whose misdirected energies are so childish... that they hardly deserve the comment even of a butler on his offThursday." "Thank you for a very lovely portrait." "Hiya, Cornelia." "What are you doing here?" "Godfrey and I were discussing tomorrow's menu." " Well, don't run away." " I'm in an awfully big hurry." "Good-bye." "I'll see you down by the ash pile." " What did she mean by that?" " A little joke we have between us." "Oh, I see." "Ajoking butler." "What's the matter with that stuff?" "I think I'll switch." "I'm more at mood." "Now we're getting someplace." "Waiter!" "Another one of these." " He's not back yet, is he?" " Not yet." "Would you mind putting these flowers in his room?" " I can't go in there anymore." " I can't, either." " You won't tell him they're from me?" " If you don't want me to." "Oh, I don't want him to know." "It's his, isn't it?" " Do you always sew his buttons on?" " Sometimes." "I'd like to sew his buttons on sometime when they come off." " I wouldn't mind at all." " He doesn't lose very many." " Oh, he's very tidy..." " Yes, he's very tidy." " What does he do on his day off?" " He never tells me." "He's probably sitting somewhere with some woman on his lap." "He's the meanest man I know." "I think he's very mean." "I suppose he's sitting somewhere with somebody on his lap... who doesn't care for him at all." "As far as I know, maybe his children are there too, calling him, calling him." "Oh, I can't bear it." "Please don't." "You too?" "Oh, Molly, I know exactly how you feel." "Good evening." "How about a quartet?" "Ehh!" "# For tomorrow may bring sorrow #" "# So tonight let us be gay #" ""'Courage,' she said, and pointed toward the land." ""'This wave will roll ashore but soon. '" ""And the afternoon came into a land... into which it seemed always afternoon. "" ""All around the coast the languid air did swoon. "" " What's the matter, darling?" " Nothing." " She's been eating onions." " Onions make me sleepy." "Irene loves onions." "When she was a little girl, she was always stealing onions from the icebox." "You know, sometimes I wonder if my children are all there." ""Like a downward smoke, the slender stream along the cliff... did fall and fall and fall to the sea. "" "Evening." "I thought I told you to send that gray satin evening dress to the cleaner." " Gray satin?" " Why can't you do as you're told?" "With pleasure." "Seems to me that every time you pick up a paper, somebody's been murdered." "Imagine a man drowning his wife in a bathtub." "Maybe it's the only way he could get her to take a bath." "Well, if anyone ever drowned my Duke in their bathtub, his mama would be very sad, she would." "Will there be anything else, madam?" "I haven't asked for anything, so I don't see how I could want anything." "I beg your pardon." "I thought you were Miss Cornelia." "You thought I was Cornelia?" "Forgive me, but you seem to be looking younger every day, if I may say so." "You certainly may." "Thank you very much." "Did you send Godfrey upstairs for anything?" "Did I?" "No, I'm quite sure I didn't." "Why?" "I just wondered." "I was in the Kerry Bar today." "That place is getting run down." "They're catering to a very low class of people." "You shouldn't go in there, my dear." "Darling, what's the matter?" "You're not eating anything." "Nobody cares if I starve myself to death." "What's the matter with you?" "I don't mind dying, if other people don't." "She's in love." "Haven't you heard?" "It's probably her engagement." "Several of my girlfriends acted just like that." " Maybe her stomach is upset." " Nobody asked you!" "There goes the profits." "I beg your pardon." "I don't know what's the matter with Godfrey." "He's been acting so peculiar." "But he did pay me a nice compliment." "He's always paying other people compliments." "Why don't you eat?" "Look at Carlo." "He's had two helpings of everything." "Leave her alone." "Carlo's eating enough for both of them." "He ought to be strong enough soon to give that concert." "You can't rush genius." "He could give a bang-up concert right now with a knife and fork." "Why do you always pick on Carlo?" "Why not try someone else for a change?" "Wait a minute, Mother." "Come here, Dad." "Something terrible has happened." "What is it?" "What's happened?" "You look frightened." "You're as white as a sheet." "Let's go into the living room, where we won't be overheard." "Cornelia, what is it?" "Are you ill?" "Come, come, sit down here." "Let me get you an aspirin or something." " I'm all right." " What's troubling you?" "Do you remember the pearl necklace I got for my birthday?" " Why, yes!" " What about it?" " It's disappeared." " Maybe somebody stole it." "Will you fill your gob and keep out of this!" " I was only trying to help." " We don't need your help." " When did you find out?" " I put it on my dressing table." "I went upstairs just now, and it was gone." " And it cost such a lot of money." " I'll say it did." " What are we going to do?" " I'll go call the police." "Never mind, Dad." "I've already called them." "Oh!" "Mm-mm." "Well, what I want to know is, when did you miss the pearls?" "During dinner I went to my room, and they were gone." " She's always leaving them." " Nobody asked you anything." "If you're going to be rude to my daughter, you might take your hats off." "When we're on criminal cases, lady, we keep both hands free." "You mean to imply that I'm a criminal?" "All I know is that it's an inside job." " Who's that?" " It's Mother's protege." "No wise cracks." "Is that your son?" "That?" "Say, listen, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I'll be hanged if I'll plead guilty to that." "Stop picking on Carlo!" "He wouldn't have time to steal anything." "He's too busy eating." " Who are you?" " Guess." " Where is Godfrey?" " He isn't feeling very well." " Who are you staring at?" " Just a minute, sister." "If I thought that were true, I'd disown my parents." "So you got a passion for jewelry, huh?" "Yes, and I got a passion for socking cops." " Where are they?" " Most of them are in cemeteries." " Where is the necklace?" " Maybe I swallowed it." "You mustn't accuse Molly." "She's been with us a long time." " That in itself is some recommendation." " Thank you, Molly." "You're welcome." "I'll turn down the beds." " Who is this Godfrey?" " He's the best butler we ever had." "Oh, I'm sure Godfrey didn't take them, though we don't know much about him." "Godfrey wouldn't touch those old pearls with a fork." "Just a minute." "What do you mean you don't know much about him?" "We didn't get him from an employment agency." " My sister found him on a city dump." " Oh, I see." " Are you accusing Godfrey?" " I only want my necklace." "It's so silly to think of Godfrey wearing a pearl necklace." " Where is this butler?" " He's probably in his room." " Where is that?" " It's back this way." "That's his room over there." "Godfrey, if you've got 'em, hide 'em!" " Hey, what kind of a joint is this?" " All right, lady." "Hello, men." " Where are they?" " Where?" "That's what I said." "Where?" "#Where oh where has my little dog gone #" "Come on, snap out of it!" " You notice he's been drinking." " He has not been drinking!" "I don't blame him if he has." "This family's probably got to him too." "Do you mind if we search your room, Godfrey?" "Somebody lost?" "There seems to be a pearl necklace missing." " Do you know anything about it?" " Well, let's look for it." " That's too bad." " It's too bad for you." "I wouldn't be so cocksure of everything." "This is a serious matter." "The pearls couldn't just get up and walk away." "She probably threw them out of the taxi." "Let's look under the rug." "Maybe that's where I put it." "We'll do the searching, Godfrey, old boy." " It's a pleasure." " This is all very silly." "I can imagine a woman stealing pearls, but what would Godfrey do with them?" " Look under the mattress." " Yes, there's a dandy place." "Well, they're not here." "They must be there." "Just a minute." "What makes you so sure they oughta be under the mattress?" "I read that that's where people put things when they steal them." " Oh, yeah?" " Say, what are you up to?" "I'd like to talk to you boys outside for just a minute, if you don't mind." " I'm terribly sorry, Godfrey." " I told you so." "We're all terribly sorry, Godfrey." "Come, Cornelia." "Yah, yah, yah, yah!" "I wanna apologize for my family." "They're all slightly hysterical." " We got an idea what you're up against." " I'd like to let the matter drop." "She probably mislaid her necklace." "I'm not certain she had one." "There's something phony about the whole thing." "That's all a mistake." "And if you don't mind," "I'd like to send a little check tomorrow to the pension fund." " Okay, Mr. Bullock." "Thanks very much." " Good night." " The whole thing's forgotten." " Good night, boys." "Just what have you got to say for yourself?" "Aren't they going to do anything about it?" "No, and it's a good thing for you that they're not." "And something else." "If you don't find your necklace, the joke's on you... because it's not insured." "Cornelia lost her pearls, and I've got mine!" "Cornelia lost her pearls, and I've got mine!" "Cornelia lost her pearls, and I've got mine!" "Well, here we are, Tommy." "The village of forgotten men." " How do you like it?" " I don't know but I prefer Newport." "It's a matter of choice." "Unfortunately, these men have no choice." "I still prefer Newport." "What is that delightful aroma?" "Oh, that's Old Man River." "You get used to it after a while." "Do you mean to say that people really live in this place?" "Well, they go through the motions." "Tommy, observe yon structure on your left." "That was the birthplace of the celebrated butler Godfrey Smith." " Where are the ashes of Godfrey Parke?" " Scattered to the winds." " Hello, Duke." "Well, well." " Hiya, Mike." " How's tricks?" " Meet Mr. Gray." "Mr. Flaherty." "Mr. Gray, pardon my wet paw." "I've been washing my lingerie." " That's okay." " Hey, Bob, look who's here." " Hi, Bob." " Well, bust my false teeth!" "Say, thanks for the beans." "They got here just in time." "What's up?" "The beans was marvelous." "We ate everything but the can." "Don't thank me." "Thank Mr. Gray." "He's got a corner on the bean market." "Is that the same corner that prosperity's just around?" "No, that's another one." "Hello, Arthur." " Hello, Duke." " Meet Mr. Gray." "Mr. Bellinger." "You look as though you've got a job too." "Is this an epidemic?" "Hey, Mike." "Let's get goin'." "Duke, we gotta run along." "This is moving day." "We gotta help the boys move their shacks." "The trucks are crowding in." "We oughta be in the river by early spring." "We might be able to float by that time." "See you again." "Right." "That fellow with the bundle of wood is Bellinger of the Second National." "When his bank failed, he gave up everything so his depositors wouldn't suffer." " Not really?" " Really." "There are two kinds of people:" "Those who fight the idea... of being pushed into the river and the other kind." "After all, things have always been this way for some people." "These men are not your responsibility." "There are different ways of having fun." "You have a peculiar sense of humor." "Here we have some very fashionable apartment houses, over there is a very swanky nightclub... while down here men starve for want of a job." " How does that strike you?" " What's this leading to?" "Tommy, there's a very peculiar mental process called thinking." "You wouldn't know much about that." "But when I was living here, I did a lot of it." "One thing I discovered was that the only difference between a derelict and a man is a job." "Sit down over here and rest your weary bones." "Let me tell you what I want." "Well, I'll listen, but I still think you belong in a psychopathic ward." "You may be right, but let me tell you my plan, and listen with both ears." "I have an idea..." "Did you and Irene have a good time while you were in Europe?" "Oh, as good a time as anyone could have with Irene." " You should be more civil to Carlo." " Why?" " I don't mind." "Cherchez la femme." " That will hold you." "Carlo always has such a clever answer for everything." "Darling, do you want some coffee?" " No, thank you." " She didn't eat any dinner, either." " You had plenty." " I can't say anything!" " You never do." " Oh, what's come over you?" "We spend good money to send you abroad, and you're worse off than when you left." " Her liver is probably upset." " Take a liver pill." " I don't want a liver pill." " You mustn't get upset." "You've broken many before and never acted this way." "She's upset because Godfrey didn't fall down in a faint when we got in today." "Why should Godfrey fall in a faint?" "He didn't make enough fuss over her homecoming to suit her." "Well, Godfrey's not the fussing kind." "Shh." "Godfrey, I was just telling my daughters you missed them while they were away." "Oh, yes, I did." "Very much, indeed." " We missed you too, didn't we, Irene?" " Yes." " I missed you, also." " It's nice to miss everybody." "Then it makes it so nice when we get together again." "There, there, darling." "It's nice to see you cheerful." " You do have a way with you, Godfrey." " Thank you." "There's no use denying the fact that Godfrey has a way with him." "We must be running on." "Cornelia, cheer her up." "I'm a cinch." "Do you feel better now that you know Godfrey missed us?" "He missed me more." "I could tell by the light in his eyes." "Why don't throw yourself in the man's arms?" "You can't rush a man like Godfrey." "You're getting pretty old, you know?" "He's really in love." "He's just hard to break down." "I could break him down in no time at all." " He'd have nothing to do with you." " How do you know?" "Because he wouldn't." "Don't you try anything." "I'm not saying I will, and I'm not saying I won't" "Come to think of it, Godfrey and I have a little unfinished business." "You better leave it unfinished, unless you want to be wearing a lamp for a hat." "Did you mean it when you said you missed me?" "Oh!" "Yes, of course I did." "I mean, did you miss Cornelia and me or just me?" " Well, I missed both of you." " Not just me?" "Oh, I may have missed you a little more than I did Cornelia." "Why?" "I'm glad, because if you missed Cornelia more, you'd probably miss me less." " That sounds very logical." " That's all I wanted to know." " You look so cute in your apron." " I'm not trying to look cute." "Molly has a cold, and I'm doubling for her." "What's funny about that?" " She hasn't got a cold." " No?" "She's got the same thing I've got, only you won't let me talk about that." " You'll lose your temper." " Well, not seriously." " Will you let me do something?" " What do you want to do?" " Wipe." " Oh, all right." " You can tell me all about your trip." " You won't get mad?" " Why should I?" " Because everybody was Godfrey." "Every..." "I don't want to seem dull, but I do seem to have a little trouble following you at times." "Well, for instance, when I'd go into a restaurant in Paris," "I'd close my eyes and say, "The waiter is Godfrey." "I'm home, and he's serving me dinner. "" " It made everything taste better." " Why?" " Haven't you any sense?" " I'm afraid I haven't." "When I'd get in a cab, the driver was Godfrey, and I'd say, "This is his chariot, and he's taking me to his castle on the mountains. "" "Suppose you come down out of the mountains and tell me about your trip." "We went to Venice, and I went for a ride in one of those rowboats." "Not a matador." "That was in Spain." "But something like a matador." "Do you, by any chance, mean a gondolier?" "That was the name of the boat." "The man that pushed it sang a beautiful song." " It was beautiful." " I see." " So the man was Godfrey." " I didn't even mind the smell." "It was very convenient to take a trip abroad without leaving the kitchen." "Oh, you have a wonderful sense of humor." "I wish I had a sense of humor." "But I never can think of the right thing to say." "Do you mind if I talk for a little bit, while you catch your breath?" "I'd love it." "While you've been away, I've been doing some things also." "I've been trying to do things that I thought would make you proud of me." "Oh, I was proud of you before I went away." "Yes, but I mean prouder still." "You see, you helped me to find myself, and I'm very grateful." "You'd make a wonderful husband." "I'm afraid not." " I know how you feel about things." " How?" "Well, you're grateful to me because I helped you to beat Cornelia, and I'm grateful to you because you helped me to beat life." "But that doesn't mean that we have to fall in love." "If you don't want to, but I'd make a wonderful wife." "Well, not for me, I'm afraid." "You see, I like you very much." "But I had a very bitter experience." "But I won't bore you with that." " Maybe she wasn't in love with you." " Well, maybe not." "However, that's beside the point." "You and I are friends." "I feel a certain responsibility to you." " That's why I wanted to tell you first." " Tell me what?" "Well, I thought it was about time that I was moving on." "Godfrey!" "Now, please." " I won't cry, I promise." " That's fine." "After all, I'm your protege." " You want me to improve myself?" " Yes." "You don't want me to go on being just a butler all my life, do you?" " I want you to be anything you want." " Well, that's very sweet." " When are you leaving?" " Oh, pretty soon." "But I'll call you up every now and then." "We'll have long chats." "I'll tell you how I'm getting on." " Oh, we'll have lots of fun." " Are you going back to her?" " To whom?" " That Indian woman." "Indian..." "Oh!" "She was just a fabrication." "Oh!" "Then, you weren't married to her?" "No, she was just a product ofTommy Gray's imagination." " Then there wasn't any?" " No!" "Well, there couldn't have been five children." "Well, naturally." "That makes a difference." "Yeah, that makes a difference." "Did you ring, miss?" "You needn't be so formal when we're alone." "Shouldn't that rather increase a butler's formality?" " But you're not a butler." " I'm sorry if I've disappointed." "You might drop that superior attitude for a moment." "There's a little matter I've wanted to talk over with you for quite a while... called "The Mystery of Milady's Necklace"... or "What Happened to the Pearls?"" "Pearls?" "Necklace?" "Oh, you mean the one that disappeared last fall?" " The same." " Didn't that ever turn up?" "Oh, yes, it turned up, but not in my possession." "I know the first part of the story, but I wondered what you know might know?" " I can't imagine." " One other story might interest you." "I met some people on the boat coming over." "A Boston family, quite distinguished." "They knew a great deal about a family called... the Parkes." "The old Mayflower crowd." "Very upper crust too." "Never been a breath of scandal." "It would be an awful shame to see them made the laughing stock of Boston." "I should hate to see anyone made a laughing stock." "Let's you and I take a long taxi ride out Van Cortland Way." "Perhaps we could exchange secrets." " Is that a command?" " As you like." "I'll be waiting around the corner." "Which corner?" "This one or that one?" "This corner." "It's impossible to exchange intimate secrets here." "The traffic's almost as heavy as it is at Grand Central Station." "Don't forget, darling." "Fifteen minutes." "Please, Godfrey, you can't go with Cornelia." "But I didn't say I was going anyplace with Miss Cornelia." "I know, but you will." "She always makes everybody do just as she likes." "But why should you care whether I meet her or not?" "I do care, that's why." "Cornelia's the one who doesn't care." "I think I should decide those things for myself." "Oh, Godfrey, I don't want to be annoying, but I..." "Oh!" "Oh, see here..." "You-You can't do that." "Uh, please, snap out of it." "Ohhh, this is the craziest family." "Now see here, stop this nonsense." "Do you hear?" "If you're faking one of your spells to keep me from meeting Cornelia, you're on the wrong track, you hear?" " Do you hear?" " Mmm." "Must be some smelling salts." "Are you feeling better?" "No?" "Just a minute." "Godfrey knows how to take care of little Irene." "Yes, indeed." "Just lie there quietly, and Godfrey will take care of everything." "Godfrey knows just how to take care... of these nasty old faints." "That's the girl." "Come right up here." "There you are." "Godfrey will soon fix Irene." "Yes, indeed." "Just leave everything to Godfrey." "Godfrey will take care of everything." "Now, you just sit right down there like a good girl, and in just a minute you'll forget that you had any trouble." "I thought so." "Let that be a lesson." "Godrey!" "Oh, Godfrey, don't go away!" "Oh, Godfrey, now I know you love me." " I do not love you!" " You do!" "What is the meaning of this, may I ask?" " Godfrey loves me!" " What are you talking about?" " Godfrey loves me!" " Godfrey, I demand an explanation!" " I think perhaps I had better resign." " Yes, that's a good idea." " What do you think your father'd say?" " I don't care." "Godfrey loves me." "You put on some dry clothes and come downstairs." " Godfrey loves me!" " I never heard anything like this!" "Shut that thing off!" "I feel gloomy enough as it is!" " Something terrible has happened." " What?" " Godfrey pushed Irene into a shower." " What's terrible about that?" "He's in love with her." "I can't make head nor tail out of the whole thing." "I can't make head nor tail out of what you're saying." "The only thing is to send him back where he came from." "Imagine, falling in love with a butler." "If you're going to feel sorry for anyone, feel sorry for Godfrey." " Alexander!" " Don't "Alexander" me!" "I've got something more important to talk about." "Don't tell me you're going to talk about money matters." " Money, money, money!" " Yes, I am." "But before I start," "I'm going to have a little talk with Carlo." " What are you going to do?" " This is private, just for Carlo's ears." "You don't mind if we have a little chat, Carlo, old boy?" "You know, for some time, Carlo, I've felt..." " What did you say to Carlo?" " I said good-bye." " Did he go?" " He left through the side window." " Where is he going?" " I don't know, but he won't be back." " Now, sit down and do some listening." " I've never seen you like this." "Sit down!" "What's come over you?" " You're just in time to listen." " Do you want Godfrey to listen?" "Yes, I want Godfrey to listen." "This concerns him too." "You might as well all know, point-blank, we're about broke." "You mean we haven't any money left?" "We've got this house, a few odds and ends, and that's about all." "Not only that, I've lost all of my stock in Bullock Enterprises." "I've borrowed some of the stockholder's money trying to recoup my losses." "I don't know where I'm going to end up." "Maybe in jail." " Alexander!" " But if I do end up in jail, it'll be the first peace I've had in 20 years." "And I don't want any of you to chortle about Godfrey." "You may all end up on the dump." " What are we going to do?" " May I intrude, sir?" "I'm afraid things are not as bad as you make out." " What do you know about it?" " Well, sir," "I've known for a long time the Bullock interests were in rather a bad way." "I offered to help you once, but you declined that help." "So I took the liberty of dabbling in the market on my own account." "Here, sir." " What's this?" " That's most of your stock." "I knew it had been dumped on the market, so I sold short." "I don't understand." "You sold short." "You mean gentlemen's underwear?" "Wait!" "You mean that you've been making money while I was losing it?" "I did it in your interest, sir." "The stock has been endorsed over to you." "I don't understand." "You did this for me?" "Well, sir, there comes a turning point in every man's life." "A time when he needs help." "It happened to me, also." "This family helped me I hope I repaid my debt." "Some of the money went into a project of my own." "I hope you won't mind." "Do you mean that you did all that on $150 a month?" "Well, hardly." "You see, with the aid ofTommy Gray," "I was able to transmute a certain trinket into gold, then into stock and then back into pearls again." "Thank you, dear lady, for the use of this trinket." "Oh, Godfrey!" "Then you did steal them!" "Well, I, uh..." "Perhaps Miss Cornelia had better explain that." " You win." " What is this all about, anyway?" "I put the pearls under Godfrey's mattress." "Thank you, Miss Cornelia." "I wanted you to say that." " But why?" " You wouldn't understand." "Here, Godfrey." "These are rightfully yours." "Oh, no, thank you." "I repaid my debt, and I'm grateful to all of you." "If anyone's indebted, we are, after the way some of us have treated you." "I've been repaid in many ways." "I learned patience from Mr. Bullock." "I found Mrs. Bullock at all times, shall we say, amusing." "That's complimentary, and don't forget you said I looked as young as Cornelia." " What good did you find in me, if any?" " A great deal." "You taught me the fallacy of false pride." "You taught me humility." "I don't understand you." "Miss Cornelia, there have been other spoiled children in the world." "I happened to be one of them myself." "You're a high-spirited girl." "I can only hope that you use those high spirits in a more constructive way." "And so... good day." "You know, I hate to see Godfrey go." "He's the only butler we ever had who understood women." "Well, Molly, you told me to leave my hat near the door." "Remember?" "I hate to see you leave, Godfrey." " Oh, Molly, you've been swell." " The house will seem empty." "Well, I guess the best friends have to part." "Will you say good-bye to Miss Irene for me?" "I don't think I can go through that ordeal right now." "You're sweet, Molly." "Good-bye." "What is it?" "What's the matter with Cornelia?" "What's the matter with everybody?" "Mother, what's the trouble?" " He's gone." " Who's gone?" " Godfrey." " Where?" "And Carlo's gone out of the window." "Everybody's gone!" "Oh, Molly, has he gone?" "Poor Molly." "He's not gonna get away from me." "Order the car, Molly." "I'll be right down." " Hello, Duke." " Hi, Mike." "Say, business looks pretty good tonight." "I'll say it is." "Mayor Courtney's here tonight with a big party." "I'll have one of the boys bring these down, Duke." " Hello, Duke." " Hello." "We can't complain about this." "Complain?" "Why, we got the Meriwethers here!" " So I heard." " Big stuff, huh?" "This is all Greek to me." "Oh, here's our wandering butler now." "Explain it to him." " Hello, Duke." " Arthur." "I've got an estimate from the contractor on your housing plan for the winter." "He figures he can petition off our present buildings into compartments, take care of at least 50 people." "It'll cost $5,800, but that includes steam heat." "Forgotten men with steam." "Sounds like something that ought to be on the menu." "I'll talk with you about it later, Arthur." "I've still got an interest in this company." "When do you pay dividends?" "We're giving food and shelter to 50 in the winter and employment in summer." " What more do you want?" " You're the most arbitrary butler ever." " Ex-butler." " Fired?" "I quit." "I felt that foolish feeling coming on again." " You mean Irene?" " What do you know about that?" "Nobody knows anything about her love, except all of Upper New York." "Guess I got out just in time." "Why don't you marry the girl?" " I've had enough of matrimony." " What's wrong with butlers?" "Lots of society girls run away with their chauffeurs." "Never mind about that." "Suppose you write me out a check for $5,000?" " For what?" " A new dock." "Perhaps we'll get some of the yachting trade." "Well, how about an airplane landing?" "We'll come to that later." "Say, mister, what happened to the city dump that was here?" "Well, this is it, but most of it's been filled in." " What happened to those forgotten men?" " Forgotten men?" " Oh, we got most of them out in time." " Where's Godfrey?" " You mean Mr. Godfrey Smith?" " Yes." "Well, lady, his office is right over there where it says "office. "" "Oh, just where it used to be." "Thank you." "Come on, Clarence." "Say, wait a minute!" "What is this?" "A basket party?" " Good evening, Mr. Courtney." " Good evening." " Lovely evening." " Yes." "Good evening." "Well, there you are." "Business is fine." "I'm stuck, you're nuts, and I'm going back to Boston before I disgrace my family." " Good riddance." " Oh, Godfrey, company has come." " Hello." " What are you doing here?" "Yes, what are you doing here?" "Don't let him off the hook." "You must leave at once." "Do you hear me?" "We got rid of her." "If I can help you in any other way, let me know." "Oh, my, how you've fixed this place up, Godfrey." " It's much nicer than before." " Oh, you noticed that?" " Are the forgotten men having a party?" " It's their annual reunion." " I saw the mayor." "Is he one too?" " He's the guest of honor." "Oh, it's a lovely view." " The bridge is always there?" " Most always." "Oh, you have a kitchen!" "I'm gonna like this place." "What's over here?" "Oh, is this where you sleep?" "That's the general purpose of the room." "Any observations?" "I think it's very cute, but we'll have to change the wallpaper." " What do you mean "we"?" " Oh, I don't like green wallpaper." "You won't have to look at it." "You're going home right now." " Oh, but I can't go home." " Why not?" " I can't go home after what happened." " What happened?" "You know what happened just as well as I do." " Now see here..." " Oh, go on and lose your temper." "I love it when you lose your temper." "Why can't you let me alone?" "Because you're my responsibility, and someone has to take care of you." " I can take care of myself." " Look me in the eye and say that." "You love me, and you know it." "There's no sense in struggling against a thing when it's got you." "That's all there is to it." "Oh, that's Clarence." "I'm sorry I was delayed, Miss Irene." " I had to go around the back way." " Put the wood over there." "You can put the groceries right there in the kitchen." " That's fine." "Thank you, Clarence." " What's the idea?" "I brought some wood and food." "It should last us for a week." "It's a wonder you didn't bring a minister and license." "I never thought of that." " May I come in?" " Oh, Mr. Courtney." "Mr. Gray said there were a couple of people here who wanted to get married." " Are you it?" " Can you marry us without a license?" "It may get me into a lot of trouble, but I guess I've known your family long enough." " Who are you going to marry?" " Godfrey." "This is Godfrey." "Oh." "How do you do, Godfrey?" "Does your father know about this?" "Everybody knows about it except Godfrey." "Well, I guess we better have a witness." " Clarence, stand right down here." " What?" "That's fine." "Right there." "Come on, Godfrey." "Right there." "Well, now, uh, join hands, please." " No, the right hand." " Oh." "Stand still, Godfrey." "It'll all be over in a minute."