"The "do not disturb" thing is on, so you got to take it off." "Right." "She never knows that." "It was on vibrate." "She's was like, "what?" Holy shit!" "You're crazy." "I know." "What can I say?" "I'm obsessed with it, dude." "Hey, excuse me, man?" "What?" "Can we borrow one of your empty chairs?" "Yeah, all right." "Sure." "Whatever." "Hey, man, we need one more for our buddy who's coming, so can I grab the one with your jacket on it?" "Seriously?" "Yeah, sure." "Okay." "Oh." "We better get one in case Jimmy shows." "Oh." "Hey, man, uh, how long are you gonna be here?" "Jimmy's coming." "Oh, is Jimmy coming?" "Well, I'll tell you what, why don't you just take the whole damn table?" "Whoa!" "All right?" "♪ Won't fall for it ♪" "♪ you can't see ♪" "♪ and you can't tell ♪" "♪ I just can't drink from the poisoned well ♪" "So, what?" "You just got up?" "You just gave them the table?" "No, I didn't give it to them." "I shoved it into their table." "It was very satisfying and embarrassing at the same time." "I think that their very being offended me." "I mean, they were young." "They were having fun." "They were together -- friends." "Yeah." "And I took it as a personal insult." "How dare they, right?" "Exactly." "Yeah." "That's right." "And someone having fun, it's an insult." "Right." "It is because it just amplifies the fact that I don't." "I mean, do you?" "I mean, w-well, of course you do." "You have a lot of friends, right?" "I don't have a lot of friends." "I don't." "Come on." "You don't have poker buddies, you don't have a crew, like the "King of Queens" guys or whatever?" "Look, I don't got many -- more than you." "What is this, like a friend-off?" "No." "Kind of." "I'm just saying I'm just curious 'cause I am a man of a certain age." "Ah." "Yeah, see?" "I'm throwing it around." "I know that most of my friends have settled, so if I want to hang out," "I got to go to a kids' soccer game, or else my social options are very limited." "Well, I don't got -- my kids are past soccer, and my wife -- she wants nothing to do with me." "Uh-huh." "I got all the time in the world." "So what do you do?" "What, do you masturbate?" "I masturbate." "Uh-huh." "Uh, I put it in my journal." "What, do you mean, writing about it?" "Yeah, writing about it." "Writing about it." "You don't masturbate -- No, no, no, I don't " " I don't." "Right, that would be a weird journal." "You couldn't open it." "Yeah, exactly." "You wouldn't be able to open it after a while." "Yeah." "You went there." "I didn't." "And, yeah, golf, man." "Oh, golfing and masturbating." "Yeah." "That's a fine message to go out on." "Thanks for doing this, Ray." "You good?" "Yeah, this is -- yeah, I'm good, man." "Okay." "I'm good if you're good." "I am." "Thanks, Ray." "All right." "I'm not signing a release." "All right." "Okay." "Thanks, Ray." "Yeah." "That was great." "I really appreciate you coming out." "It was good." "I had fun." "You know, I gave the illusion of revealing myself without actually revealing myself, you know?" "But that's actually revealing in itself." "Yeah." "I got close." " Yeah." "Hey, you don't mind if we do a photo, do you?" "I like to take a photo with all the guests." "Yeah, no problem." "No problem." "All right, let me, uh -- Kyle, Ray's leaving." "Uno momentito." "Oh, boy, here we go." "Here we go." "Okay." "All right, let's do it." "Let's pick up the speed there, Richard Avedon." "The guy who played MacGyver?" "No, just take the -- okay." "Say "WTF."" "Yeah." "All right." "Good." "Amazing." "Ray, I will e-mail you a copy, sir." "He doesn't want a copy." "Oh, give me one." "I'll take a copy." "Yeah, why don't you send a copy to his assistant?" "That would be good." "Yeah." "Will do." "Good." "Okay." "Good." "Thanks, big guy." "Ray was really cool today." "It was a great interview, too, man." "Yep." "It was cool that he hung out." "I mean, no one ever hangs out." "Well, Andy Dick I thought was gonna move in, but that was different." "I-I think he actually needs a place to live." "Yep." "Hey, you know, Ray and I really got along, but I can never tell if it's real, you know, with my guests, and Jen's out of town." "Do you think I can call Ray to see if he wants to hang out or something?" "Nope." "Good call." "Wait a couple days, right?" "Are you serious?" "Yeah, why?" "What?" "You two have nothing in common." "Oh, and he's a condescending dick." "Wait, okay, so you guys also have that in common." "Wait, wait, wait, he is not a condescending dick." ""Thanks, big guy"?" ""Big guy"?" "I wanted to punch in his likeable face." "I mean, come on, Marc." "I know he plays an "aw, shucks" flannel-shirt-wearing guy on TV, but I.R.L., you and Ray Romano don't even operate on the same level." "I don't think that's true." "He's a comic." "I'm a comic." "We're roughly the same age." "I mean, that's a lot of similarities right there." "Can I drop an honesty bomb on your brain bunker, Marky Marc?" "Do I have a choice?" "If anyone in your circle is on your same level, it's me." "Ha, ha!" "What?" "Yeah, think about it." "You and I drive the same car." "Your mom bought yours." "Eerie, right?" "But also, you and I live in the same neighborhood." "Getting stranger." "Oh." "You and I also work on the same podcast." "It's like we're twinsies." "I don't work on the podcast." "It's my podcast." "But my point is if you are really and truly looking for a new bro, I'm avails." "I appreciate the offer, but that's gonna be a pass." "Hard or soft?" "Uh, hard." "Oh, man." "This is some nasty shit." "Iplayabillygoat named William, again, and, um," "Ienter a strong-man competition tosavethefarm..." "Again." "Wegotalot oflaughs." "Stick around." "Bytheway,ifyou'regoing  to the movies..." "Screw it." "Hello?" "Hey, Ray, it's Marc Maron." "How you doing, buddy?" "Who?" "Uh, it's -- it's -- it's Marc Maron." "Uh, I'm just hanging out, thought maybe you and I could maybe, I don't know, get a cup of coffee or something." "This is Ray's assistant." "Can I tell him what this is regarding?" "Oh, damn!" "I-I-I thought this was his, uh, personal line." "Hey, forget I called, okay?" "Hold on." "Let me, uh, see if he's here." "No, no." "No, no, no, no." "Shit." "No." "Oh, my God." "I'm pathetic." "This is so stupid." "Hello?" "Ray." "Yeah." "Hey, man, it's Marc Maron." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know." "What's up?" "Oh, nothing, just hanging out, just wondering what you were doing." "I thought maybe you might want to, I don't know, hang out, get some coffee, hang out, something, you know, maybe hang out." "Uh, it's kind of late, Marc." "Yeah, yeah, okay, all right." "I could do Tuesday." "Oh!" "Tuesday." "Tuesday's good." "That's great." "Yeah, all right." "Yeah, I'll see you then." "Oh, great." "Hey, wait, Ray, Ray, what are we doing?" "Ray?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "I'm gonna hang out with Ray Romano." "Nothing?" "And so my son says, "did you win?"" "And I got to tell him, you know, in golf, even though you're playing against other people, you're just kind of playing against yourself." "They're only like 8 years old." "They didn't understand." "And then I went -- we went on vacation." "I went golfing." "Come back to the pool at the hotel." "My son's there, and he sees me from golfing, people all around, and he yells, "Dad, uh, were you just playing with yourself?" "!"" "I'm like, "All right, come over here."" "Oh, man." "I still do that in my act." "Yeah?" "That's an old lame joke." "But golf -- I never played golf." "It's basically you hit the ball, you walk to the ball, you hit the ball." "Yeah, you do that a lot." "You do that about 100 times." "You should do it." "I should?" "You actually would -- 'cause you need a release, right?" "Yeah, yeah." "You should do it." "It's addictive, though." "You're gonna get hooked on it." "Really?" "Addictive?" "I mean, it doesn't sound like any addiction I've had." "I mean, do I end up, uh, drunk and passed out, covered in urine on the ninth tee?" "That's if you play with Brad Garrett, yeah." "You're limping and you're bleeding from all orifices." "Oh, yeah." "All right." "I got to go." "Yeah?" "Where you going?" "Yeah, I got to..." "Actually, I'm gonna hit that sports-memorabilia store -- that Danny's Dugout." "Yeah, I don't know anything about it." "Yeah, yeah, I like to buy shit 'cause my wife can't have all the money, you know?" "Come." "If you want to come, come." "All right, all right, yeah, yeah, I'll go." "I'll go." "Why not?" "All right." "Okay." "Yeah.Take the chair if you want." "I don't know." "What do you think?" "'68 Seaver, '69 Ryan?" "I don't know." "Like, it's weird." "These baseball cards -- they're like wine for you sports nerds, huh?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "I'm " " I'm all kinds of nerds, except for the kind that gets good grades, you know?" "Me too." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "You know what, I'm taking both." "Okay." "Give me both of them." "Hold on." "Not done." "I like that old baseball stuff." "Everything on that second shelf." "Why not, right?" "Right." "Why not." "Who's calling me?" "Oh, damn." "It's my assistant." "One second, all right?" "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah, what's up?" "You're kidding!" "I got to..." "Here." "Here." "Take care of it." "Here you go." "Yeah, yeah." "Count it up, all right?" "Yeah, well, tell me about it." "Uh-huh." "Was he serious?" "Yeah, I think so." "All right." "I got to do a pool scene?" "Oh, come on." "I just had a ton of cheesecake." "Yeah, well, I got to take my shirt off, not you." "Well, who got sick?" "Your car?" "Yeah, well, what happened?" "Where am I going?" "How much time do I have?" "You want me to drive it while...?" "Right." "I don't get it." "Yeah, well, I got to do push-ups now." "What do...?" "Do you want me to...?" "Why?" "'Cause I got tits, that's why." "What do you -- do you want me to put it in?" "Yeah, all right." "It's locked." "It's locked." "Well, it's gonna take some time." "It's locked." "Well, I'm sorry." "I don't -- you know what, I got to do some stuff, right?" "What's going on here?" "But that's their fault 'cause they called me in, right?" "Yeah, well, of course, I probably " " I got a rash." "That rash didn't go away." "All right." "All right." "Yeah." "Hey, man, sorry." "It's all right, man." "Everything okay?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "It's "Parenthood."" "I got to..." "Peter Krause got sick." "They want to do this other scene." "It's crazy." "Okay." "Yeah, sorry about that." "All right." "But, uh, you know what, here." "I really apologize for this." "No, I don't -- well, now you got to take a cab now, right?" "I don't need your money, Ray, seri-- no, no, take -- take it, for the cab." "This was good, though." "What a dick." "I cannot believe that a-hole just dumped you on the street like some -- whore?" "I didn't have sex with the guy." "Oh, no." "You just went out to lunch with him and then you ran an errand and then he left you on the street with a fistful of cash and no way home." "I was actually more like his assistant, really." "Well, no, don't say that, man." "That's hurtful." "Yeah." "Marc Maron's office." "When did you start doing that?" "It's him." ""Him" who?" "Him " " Ray." "Holtz?" "Romano." "Come on, come on, come on." "It's Ray Romano." "Go do something away from me." "All right." "Look at yourself." "Hey, man." "Hey, Marc, it's Ray, man." "What's up?" "Uh, bad time?" "No, no, no, no." "Actually, I was just about to interview for a new assistant." "What's up?" "Yeah, look, I just wanted to call and apologize." "What's that?" "You're calling to apologize?" "For the whole parking-lot thing?" "Why " " I appreciate that, but it's not really necessary." "I mean, you didn't know the show was gonna call you in." "No, no, no." "I'm calling to apologize about the photos." "Photos?" "What photos?" "The ones online, on National Enquirer?" "You didn't see them?" "No." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Oh, why, because your boyfriend said -- okay." "Do it!" "Oh, my God." "Just go." " Okay, I'm gonna do it, but it'll be on my terms." "Shh!" "Okay." ""Anne Hathaway's itty-bitty" "Hawaiian vacation titty committee."" "No, I don't think that's it." "It's under "somebody really, really loves Raymond."" ""Somebody really, really loves Raymond."" "Ohh!" "Holy shit." "Yeah, I know." "I mean, it's good for me." "They never take my picture, but it kind of sucks for you." "You didn't know, you know what I mean?" "And -- and who looks at this shit anyways, right?" "Oh, that page has, um, 75,000 views in just the last hour." "Congrats on being so famous, whore." "Yeah, listen, um, let me make it up to you." "You know what, come over tomorrow." "We'll watch the hockey game." "Just -- just us -- hang out, snacks, you know?" "That sounds great." "I'm, uh -- I'm a big hockey fan." "Yeah, okay, good." "You know what?" "I'll have my assistant e-mail you my address and stuff." "All right." "I'm looking forward to it." "All right, man." "I'll see you tomorrow." "Hey, at least he gave us a heads-up." "I mean, they -- they -- they're not that bad, are they?" "If by "not that bad," you mean embarrassing, ridiculous, humiliating, and, like, a little gay, then, yeah, no, they're definitely not that bad." "I still don't understand what we're looking for." "We're looking for something that makes me look like a fan." "He's gonna know you're a fraud as soon as you start watching the game." "I think you underestimate my acting ability." "Okay, how many quarters in a hockey game, smart guy?" "Four." "Three!" "Ha!" "Fraud!" "Three quarters?" "That doesn't even make sense, idiot." "Right?" "Three innings?" "No." "It's not even that game." "It's definitely three something." "Welcome to Danny's Dugout." "Can I help you gents with anything?" "No." "Uh, we're good." "Do you have anything that would make him look like he understands the game of hockey?" "I understand hockey." "Uh, do you have any Kings gear?" "You going to a game?" "Uh, no, I'm watching a game on TV." "My friend's house." "He's a big fan." "I thought I'd show a little team spirit." "Maybe a hockey hat?" "If I wanted to impress this guy," "I'd definitely get a hockey hat." "Um, how about a jersey?" "Great." "Do you have a favorite player?" "Are you a Brown or a Doughty guy?" "Uh, whoever you think's best." "Is there a size difference between the two?" "The shirts come in all sizes." "You're not actually buying his jersey." "Yeah, Kyle." "Stupid." "$325.91." "Wow!" "I-is that refundable?" "As your friend and business associate," "I must advise you one final time -- if you show up wearing that jersey to impress him, you will be his bitch." "I am so sick of your jealous bullshit." "Fine." "I'm going home." "Come on, Kyle." "Kyle, come on, man." "Seriously?" "Really?" "I got to quit bumming rides." "Ray?" "Ray?" "Hey." "Hey, man." "Hey." "Oh, wow." "I didn't know you were a big Kings fan, huh?" "Well, I'm sort of a new fan." "I'm just getting into hockey in general, really." "You left the tag on." "Okay, I guess I'm keeping it." "Come on." "Game's starting now." "Great place." "Yeah, thanks." "I like the one in the 'Bu better." "What's "the 'Bu"?" "Malibu." "Oh, yeah." "Hey, check it out." "You want to see a couple things?" " Yeah." "Yeah, those are the bolts that Peter Boyle used in "Young Frankenstein."" "Ohh." "No, don't -- don't pick it up, though." "That's an actual football from Jets Super Bowl III -- one of the footballs." "Oh." "And this -- Phil Rosenthal gave me that as a gift for the 100th episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond."" "That's an ashtray used by Casey Stengel." "Oh, K.C. From K.C. and the Sunshine Band?" "Yeah, put it down, though." "All right." "Game's gonna start." "Let's do this." "Great." "Yeah." "Okay." "Uh, we got, uh, root beer in the fridge -- plenty of it." "Sounds good." "Yeah." "If you want it." "Yeah, get me one if you don't mind." "Okay." "Hey, if I got any string cheese in there, bring one of those." "I'm starving." "Yeah, I see it." "You got it?" "Yeah." "Right by the butter." "Root beer and string cheese coming right up, Mr. Romano." "Yeah, you hear that laugh?" "That's " " I got the same laugh as Fran Drescher." "We went to high school together, me and her." "Really?" "Yeah." "Did everyone in your high school laugh like that?" "'Cause that would be an annoying high school." "See?" "There it is." "I can't stop it." "All right." "So this should be a good game, right?" "Yeah." "If they don't score five goals, I got the under." "See, I don't know what that means." "I don't gamble." "What does that mean -- the under?" "Shit, uh..." "Doesn't matter." "I'll tell you." "Okay, all right." "Yeah." "You already losing money?" "No, it didn't start yet." "What are you talking about?" "I don't know what you bet on." "All right, just relax." "All right, all right." "No, just 'cause that's -- all right, no, I get it." "That's the side where we don't put our feet up." "All right, all right, all right." "So, this is fun." "We should, uh, make a regular thing out of this." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, this guy's gonna give up five goals." "On purpose?" "No, he's not that good." "He's not that good." "Oh." "Maybe I don't get it." "There's nothing to get." "Five goals, I lose." "Four goals, I win." "Oh, okay." "I got to go to the can." "I'm gonna pause it." "All right, I'll just..." "I guess I'm on pause, too." "Whose shitty car is blocking the garage?" "Oh, hey." "Hi." "And you are?" "Marc Maron." "I'm a friend of Ray's." "That -- that's my car." "I can move it if you want me to." "Ray!" "Why is there a grown man wearing a hockey jersey in our living room?" "!" "A friend of mine." "A friend?" "Who is this?" "Another wannabe comedian?" "No, he's a guy." "He's a guy who does an interview show out of his garage." "Are you kidding me?" "!" "He looks like he lives in his garage." "You promised me we were gonna spend time together today talking about my reality-show idea, but instead, you bring this clown home with you and that mustache of his?" "He looks like a pornographer." "Come on." "Relax, relax." "No!" "We're talking now, and you just listen!" "I am sick of you constantly looking for other people besides me to spend your time with!" "Why can't you be alone with me?" "!" "Hey, I can just go, Ray." "No!" "Stay!" "Watch the game." "Yeah, okay." "Un-pause it." "All right, all right." "You know what my therapist says?" "She says you have intimacy issues that you can share in front of complete strangers, but not in front of your wife." "I come home, and I ask you, "how was your day?"" "And you say, "fine." It's not fine, Ray." "It's not fine!" "Hey, buddy, we got to split." "Yeah, we're gonna go." "You stay, enjoy yourself, you know, finish, watch the game." "There's food, drink." "Hey, I can just go." "No, no." "Stay." "You gonna miss the game?" "No." "No score yet, right?" "All right." "Take it easy, big guy." "You know, when I was in high school, there was this guy Dave I really wanted to be friends with because Dave was cool, I was insecure, and I think I thought that his coolness would rub off on me." "I mean, we used to drive around in his '73 Gold Firebird with a Holley double pumper doing 150 miles per hour down I-40." "It was crazy." "I was willing to risk my life to be friends with that guy, and also my taste, apparently, because I saw Ted Nugent three times in high school because Dave wanted to see him." "But it was a small price to pay because Dave was a great guy, and he was hilarious." "But that's what youth is for." "You know, you want to be friends with people you want to be like." "But now that I'm older, I don't have time for that." "I mean, I know who I am." "I know that I'm never gonna like sports." "So what is friendship when you're older?" "What -- what am I looking for in a friend?" "I'm looking for somebody who will accept me for who I am -- a 50-year-old man who knows all the words to "Cat Scratch Fever," despite himself." "Hey." "Hey." "I know you're not a jock, but I thought if -- if you wear this, maybe it'll make you cooler." "You bought it, Marc." "You deal with it." "I've been thinking about it, and, uh, you were right about my friendship with Ray not working out the way I wanted." "So, as a token of my appreciation, I got you this." "That is Casey Stengel's ashtray." "Whoa." "She was buried in this?" "What?" "No." "It's -- it doesn't matter." "I took it from Ray's." "It felt like fair game for the time I put in." "I thought it would be a nice peace offering for you." "I thought maybe we could hang out, like now." "Got some cigars." "Smoke them like peace pipes." "Oh, I don't know." "The -- the first time I tried a cigar, I threw up." "How old were you?" "It was like two weeks ago, my friend's bachelor party." "Puked on a stripper." "Cindy." "Okay, well, these are really good." "I'm not gonna be sitting on your lap." "So I don't think we have to worry about it." "All right." "Shoot, now I feel bad." "About what?" "For sending so many people to your National Enquirer page."