"( people chattering )" "( groans )" "Oh, Max, I'm so sorry I'm late, but Dr. Baker had an emergency tonsillectomy." "Oh, really?" "I didn't know that baby doctors pulled tonsils." "No, it was Dr. Baker's tonsils that were pulled, Max." "Oh, all right, 99." "Now according to the Chief's instructions, we were to get down here and keep our eye out for anybody who looked suspicious." "Right, Max." "What else did he say?" "Well, he said that something very strange and unusual was gonna take place here today." "Now that is nice." "What would you say that is worth, 99?" "99:" "Oh, a lot, Max." "That's a Van Gogh." "Isn't he the guy who cut off his own ear?" "Right." "He sent it to his girlfriend." "He must really have loved her a lot." "Either that or he hated his ear." "( speaking Italian ) Now that look much better than the picture of the girl with the dumb smile on her face." "Mario:" "Yeah, that's-a nice." " Mario?" " Yeah?" "You think the boss is gonna like this one?" " He's gonna love it." " ( speaks Italian )" "Max, what are they doing?" "!" "99, this is the most blatant daytime robbery" "I've ever seen in my life." "All right, hold it right there." " Take your hands off that picture." " ( speaks Italian )" "How's-a we gonna take the picture if we don't use our hands?" "Rico, you take-a pic, I take care of him." " Max, that's probably a priceless vase!" " Wait a minute!" "You can't use a priceless vase for a weapon." "Hold it!" "How much is that worth, 99?" " 99:" "Look out!" " Max, hold it, you're making a mistake." "Chief, thank heavens you're here." "These men were stealing a painting." "Chief, you won't believe it." "They were trying to take it right out of here in front of our very eyes!" "Max, stealing it and taking it are two entirely different things." "They have a right to take it." "Of course, those men have a right to-t-t-- they have a right to take it?" "!" "I know this is going to come as a shock, but that painting and every painting in this museum belongs to the man they work for." "But Chief, everything in this museum belongs to the United States." "That's the trouble, 99." "The man they work for owns the United States." "( theme music playing )" "99:" "But it sounds incredible, Chief." "How could one man own the United States?" "What's even more incredible is why one man would want to own the United States." "Well, all I know is that a document was recently unearthed in Genoa, Italy, proving that Christopher Columbus claimed the United States for himself in 1492." " I get what you're driving at, Chief." " What?" "Well that means that the nation's capital will have to be changed from Washington DC to Columbus, Ohio." "That has nothing to do with it." "Go on with your story, Chief." "Well, our country was transferred verbally to Spain." "Then a few centuries later, our forefathers took over." "Now do you see what I'm getting at, Max?" "Does it have anything to do with the Civil War, Chief?" "Max, what he's saying is that we took over a country that we had no right to take over." "Exactly." "According to international law, the document that was unearthed in Genoa proves conclusively that Christopher Columbus still owns the United States." " Well, then, we're in luck, Chief." " Why do you say that?" "Christopher Columbus is dead." " I know that, Max." " Has been for a long time." " I know that too." " In case you're interested, Chief," "Ponce de León is no longer with us either." "Max, I'm only interested in one man-- the direct descendant of Christopher Columbus" " Gino Columbus." "And he's the legal owner of the United States?" "I'm afraid so, 99." "Well, we're gonna have to do something about this, Chief." "Well, we intend to." "The president is going to try to talk Gino Columbus into signing the country back over to us." "Now here's what I want you to do:" "I want you to meet him at the airport." "Did you hear that, 99?" "I'm going to meet the president at the airport." "Not the president, Max-- Gino Columbus." "He's arriving this afternoon to look over his property." "Now I want you to stay with him at all times." "I don't want you to leave his side from the minute he walks off that plane until he meets with the president." "Oh." "Well, there goes our baseball game for tonight, 99." "Oh, that's all right, Max, I couldn't get a babysitter anyway." "One more point, Max:" "Gino Columbus is to be accorded the red carpet treatment." "You have authorization to grant him anything he wishes, no matter what the cost." "Man over P.A.:" "Announcing the arrival of Italian Airways flight number 46 from Rome." "Passengers now arriving at gate 17." "Announcing the arrival of Italian Airways flight number 46 from Rome." "Passengers now arriving at gate 17." "( laughing, giggling )" "( speaks Italian )" " ( laughs )" " Columbus, I'm Smart." "Okay." "How much is a-two and two?" " Four." " He's Smart, all right." "I don't think you understand." "I happen to be Maxwell Smart, Secret Agent 86 of CONTROL." "Oh, well, why didn't you say that before?" "( speaks Italian ) This is the man who's gonna be my guard-body." "And I like you to meet Nina, Pinta" "Don't tell me..." "Santa Maria?" "No, that's Rosa." "All right, girls, you go and check the baggage and then I see you outside, all right?" "Okay." "Be careful." "Don't pinch the boys, huh?" "( laughing ) Oh." "Oh, same to you." "Mr. Smart, there's a couple of things I want you to do for me." "Yes, well, I'm under strict orders to cater to your every whim." "Your idiosyncrasies, your compulsive inclinations are to be gratified without reservation or restraint." " Huh?" " Whatever you want, you get." "Oh well, listen, that's good." "You know, just before landing, I look outside the aeroplane and I see this place where the president lives." " The White House?" " The White House, yes." "Well, I take one look at the White House, and I say to myself, "I gotta do something."" " You want to visit it?" " I want to paint it." "Don't take another step." "We are KAOS Agents Gemini." " What do you want?" " Information." "Tell us what we want to know or you die." "You're wasting your time." "Besides, do you know who this man is?" "This is Gino Columbus, the new owner of the United States." "That's what we wanted to know." "Mr. Smart, the joke has gone far enough." "I mean, it's very amusing-- don't get me wrong-- but I got a lot of things to do." "What you gotta do is come with us." "We're not going anywhere." "It's either that or get shot." "You wanna go for a little while?" "Eh." "Good afternoon, Mr. Columbus, Mr. Smart." "My name is Borgia." "Borgia!" "Of course!" "You're the man who poisoned 23 people and a pair of parakeets." " No, Mr. Smart." " 23 parakeets and a pair of people?" "I am Borgia of KAOS." "Okay, I'll accept that, but don't expect to have a drink with my bird." "Borgia, that's a..." "Italian name, no?" "I'm half Italian." "My dear mother was Mexican." "Mexican and Italian?" "Boy, you must have some heartburn." "Signor di Borgia, I don't know what this is all about, eh?" "Personally, I think that all Americans are a little bit, uh... ( whistles ) you know what I mean?" "But this is beside the point." "I want you to know that I own all of the United States." "( chuckles )" "I'm quite aware of that." "That's why you were brought here." "I tell you what I'm gonna do." "If you let me go, I'm gonna give you a nice present." "( chuckles ) I give you Pittsburgh." "We don't want Pittsburgh." "That's funny, neither does Pennsylvania." "We want it all, Mr. Columbus." "So if you will cooperate by signing this agreement turning the United States" " over to KAOS" " Just a moment!" "You can't hand our country-  ( grunts )  -I'm sorry, your country, over to an organization like KAOS!" "If I do this for you, what are you gonna give me?" "Your life." " Go on." " That's it." "That's it?" "!" "( laughing ) I mean, well, the price is right, you know." "Well, the price isn't right with me." "Ay!" "Mama mia!" "What's he got in his pocket, a printing press?" "It must be a duplicating machine." "The copies are getting lighter." "Mr. Smart, we could spend the rest of the day continuing this childish activity." "As you have seen, I'm quite prepared for all emergencies." "Therefore, I recommend that you suggest to Mr. Columbus... to sign." "I'm sorry, Mr. Borgia, but I cannot make that suggestion." "Columbus?" "And I'm ashamed of you being half Italian." "You leave me no alternative." "Gemini, is the door locked?" "Yes and we have the key." "Well, we'll give our friends some time to contemplate their decision." "I'll give you five minutes to change your mind, Mr. Columbus." "We'll do our utmost to influence you." "And should you decide to see things our way... just blow this whistle." "( blows loudly )" "He was just practicing." "( door whirring )" "I wish was in-a Roma!" "And I'm from Venice!" "And I don't even like-a Rome!" "I wonder what he meant when he said he was gonna do everything in his power to influence you." "I don't know." "But boy, I sure could go for a glass of water." "I've never been so thirsty in all my life." "Ah, nice!" "Room service." "Columbus!" "Look at the floor!" "The water-- it's not draining." "Now I know what he meant when he said he was gonna try and influence you." "He's gonna fill this room with water and try and drown us!" "Mr. Smart, do something!" "Me?" "You're the one who's thirsty." "( gasps )" "How are we gonna stop the water?" "Go over there and see if we can find a way to turn it off." "It's no use!" "It's no use!" "In a couple of minutes, we gonna be under." "No no no, listen to me please!" "I want you to blow the whistle." "I want Signor di Borgia to know" " I change my mind!" " Look, Columbus, this is gonna be very difficult for you to understand," " but I can't blow the whistle." " Are you crazy?" "!" " We gonna drown!" " I'm sorry, but I've got my reasons!" "First of all, I can't allow you to turn the United States over to KAOS!" "Th-th-that's not a good enough reason!" "Well, how about this?" "I just dropped the whistle in the water." " Is that good enough?" " That's a beaut." "Uh-oh, something is wrong." "The water's rising too fast!" "It must be coming from another source than this." "( blows hard )" "Columbus, listen." "One of us-- one of us has to dive down and get the whistle." " Can you swim?" " N-n-n-no!" "Oh, well, I can." "So, I'll swim around up here" " and you dive down and get the whistle." " Uh-huh!" "Th-th-- that doesn't make no good sense!" "Not to you either, huh?" "Okay, I'll dive down and you stay up here and tread water." "( gasping ) I don't even know how to tread the water!" "Well, I'll be seeing ya down below." "Lots of luck!" "Oh!" "( screaming )" " How did you do?" " No good!" " This was the only thing I could find." " ( cries )" "Mr. Smart, you pulled the plug!" "The water, it's starting to go down!" "Ha ha!" "Whoo!" "Now we gotta find a way to get out that door!" " Oh yeah!" " ( knocking )" " Max, it's me, 99!" " Hey!" "That's-a my wife!" "That's my wife!" "You know what that means?" " That we're gonna be saved!" " Not only that, but it means she was able to get a babysitter!" "So KAOS tried to beat us to it?" "Yes, Chief." "But it was a good thing that 99 was there to back us up." "Well, it could've been a disaster for all of us, but it's given me an idea." " What's that, Chief?" " Chief:" "What is it, Larrabee?" "Chief, I just received word from the White House:" "the president is ready to meet with Mr. Columbus." "He has a document all ready to be signed." "( speaks Italian ) I will sign the thing." "And then I'm gonna board a boat and go back to Italy." " Hey!" " It won't be as easy as all that." "Chief, are those longshoremen on strike again?" "No, Larrabee." "KAOS is certain to make another attempt at abducting Mr. Columbus." "I still don't see what your plan is, Chief." "We'll let KAOS abduct him." " ( snarls )" " That's a terrible plan, Chief." "No, hear me out." "We'll use a decoy." "KAOS will kidnap the decoy and while they're torturing him, the real Mr. Columbus here will be taken to the White House." "Now do you think it's such a terrible plan?" " Well, it's got one hitch in it." " What's that?" " Who's the decoy?" " You." "That's the hitch." "You'll never get away with it, Chief." "I don't look like Columbus." "I don't even speak Italian." "Besides, Chief, at CONTROL training school," "Max flunked torture three years in a row." "Goodbye, Larrabee." "Goodbye, Chief." "Max, there's nobody else I can send." "All my men are on assignment." "I can't pass myself off as Columbus." "Now if you don't take it, who can I send?" " All right, I'll take it." " But Max, it might be dangerous." "Yes, but there's a good chance that they'll never be able to tell that I'm not Mr. Columbus." "All I have to do is to remember not to sign anything, because they'd be able to tell my signature from his signature." "How would they be able to tell that?" "Very simple, Chief." "My name begins with an S." "His begins with a K." "Uh..." "C?" "It'll take at least a week for the torches to dry." "Ah!" "Welcome back, Signor Columbus." "Eh, linguini, linguini!" "It worked just like you said, Borgia." "We waited outside CONTROL's secret headquarters, and he came out all alone." "No escort, no nothing." "No bodyguards?" "No CONTROL agents?" "Explain that." "Yes." "Well, I was on-a my way to lunch, and, uh" " CONTROL would let you eat alone?" " Yes, well, when they found out I was a-going to have a garlic sandwich," " they insist." " Well, are you prepared to sign over America to us?" "Or... do we fill this crypt again?" "( speaks mock-ltalian )" "No more water, a little-a wine-a maybe, but-a no water." " Your signature then." " I no got-a strength to sign anything." "I'm-a starved." "You gotta remember, I've been-a swimming' all day." "I sympathize with you." "I, too, require constant stoking of the human furnace to function properly." " Gemini..." " Yes, Borgia." "Run over to Antonio's and get our guest some nourishment." "Well, what do you want?" "You got a pencil and a paper?" " Shoot." " Eh?" " What do you want?" " Ah." "Eh, yes-a let-a me see now." "Little-a "fettaccinonay."" " "Feccacini."" " And a little "rabbalalonay."" ""Ravolini."" " And-a some "cachalatoray." - "Cachatorini."" " And a "mastorolay." - "Mastorolay."" " And a "riggatononay." - "Riggatononay."" "And some bicarbonate of soda." "Are you through?" "!" "Not-a quite." "That's the longest meal I ever watched." "Signor Columbus, you are stretching my hospitable nature to the breaking point." "Mama always say," ""You no clean-a da plate," "You're not get-a the apple pie."" "Apple pie?" "That's not an Italian dish." "It is if you put-a tomato sauce on it." "That's enough." "Are you ready to sign?" "I tell you what I'm-a gonna do." "I gonna sign-a... half of my name now and the other half when I finish eating." "Finish what?" "I no have-a the full stomach," "I worry." "I worry, I no sign-a da pape." " But you ate enough to sink a ship!" " I know." "The last time I ate-a so much I was on the Andrea Doria." "Pfft." "Well, if he wants more food, then get him more." "I certainly don't like filling this crypt again." "This month's water bill is gonna be murder!" "What do you want this time?" " You ready?" " Ready." "Okay!" "Here we go." " Antipasto." " Antipasto." " Lasagne!" " Lasagne!" " Mozzarella." " Mozzarella." " Marinara." " Marinara." "( whimpers )" " No bicarbonate of soda?" " Just the priest." "Signor Columbus, it's been three hours since you walked in here requesting lunch." "We can't stall any longer." "Sign or die." "Okay okay." "I'm-a too full and I'm-a too fat to die." "Where's the pen?" "He must have ate it." " Well, get another!" " ( phone ringing )" "Never mind." "I'll do it myself." "You know, I gotta hand it to you." "Please-a, don't-a hand-a me nothin'!" "I'm-a full up-a to here." "No, I'm talking about how you put food away." "You know, me and my partner, we've lived in boarding houses for years, and we've seen a lot of big eaters," " but you take the cake." " ( belches )" "Well, I was just telling Mr. Columbus that" "Mr. Smart is the name, Gemini." "That call came from KAOS Agent Kovack at the White House." "The real Columbus just signed the United States back over to the United States." "Good." "( grunts )" "Well..." "I guess the masquerade is over." "And so is your life." "Shoot him, Gemini." "I wouldn't do that, "Geminy,"" "you're being covered by a CONTROL agent." "You're bluffing, Smart." "Oh really?" "Show yourself!" "Max:" "You see, my friend, last night..." "While you were sleeping, we arrested lower Gemini and replaced him with one of our own men." "Gentlemen, allow me to introduce" "CONTROL Agent Munchkin." "( theme music playing )"