"Who are you?" "You were my first kiss." "You were my first kiss, too." "You touch murder victims, you ask who killed them." "You touch them again, they go back to being dead," " You collect the reward?" " That's it in a nutshell." " Are you the business partner?" " Yes, ma'am." "Doesn't she look a lot like that dead girl?" "She looks exactly like that dead girl." "Do you... touch anything?" "I t-touch lots of things." "Does he touch you?" "I'd kiss you if it wouldn't kill me." "Are you in love with her?" "'Cause it's that level of stupid." "I kind of killed her dad when I was 10." "She doesn't know." "I just thought, my world would be a better place if you were in it." "Is there anything else I should know?" "No." "Season 1 Episode 2 Dummy" "At this very moment in the town of North Thrush," "young Ned was 9 years, 33 weeks," "6 days, 20 hours, and 34 minutes old." "He stood on the exact spot where, 4 weeks and 2 days previously," "his father had deposited him, at the Longburrow school for boys." "As young Ned's mother had died recently," "there was reassuring physical contact and parting words." "I'll be back." "He lied." "The sadness and dread which the boy felt" "were not so much a product of the Longburrow school." "Young Ned's acute discomfort came from the knowledge," "that when he touched a dead thing, it came back to life." "The other boys assumed his introverted nature" "was a product of weakness and coddling." "Thinking of revenge and also not thinking at all," "young Ned volunteered to assist with that day's science project." "Young Ned's secret gift, was governed by three simple rules." "Touch a dead thing once, alive." "Touch a dead thing again... /dead forever." "Keep a dead thing alive for more than a minute... /and something else has to die." "His gift had, once again, brought him great distress in place of great joy." "He vowed to keep the strange details of his strange," "life secret from the world forever." "Are you responsible for this?" "So, young Ned did what his father had done to him only 31 days before." "No." "He lied." "For the next 19 years, 29 weeks, and 2 days," "keeping secrets worked beautifully." "The boy became the pie maker, and the pie maker deceived with ease... /Until Chuck." "This is strange." "Charlotte Charles had been alive for 28 years, 24 weeks,3 days," " 11 hours and 51 minutes, before she was murdered." " Is this strange?" " This is not strange." "Unusual, maybe eccentric, in a quaint way, like dessert spoons." "Revived by the pie maker, and given a second chance at life," "she had many questions." "I have so many questions, my mind wanders." "You need to feed it warm milk and a turkey sandwich." "Let it curl up in a sunny spot and take a nap." "I miss my aunts." "Of course." "Do you miss them a lot?" "A little." "All the time?" "Now and then." "As Chuck spoke, she realized her secrets were "really a lot,"" "and "every minute,"" "in that order." " How many people have you touched?" " People or animals?" " Crossing." " Digby doesn't count." "Digby does count, no one's been through as much with me as Digby." "How many people have you brought back to life?" "It's not like I walk around reviving childhood sweethearts willy-nilly." "Well, what about Emerson?" "Coming through!" " You touch lots of people with Emerson." " For work." "Just because you kill them again as soon as you get what you" " want doesn't make it any different." " Yes, it does." "Coming through." "And can we not say "kill"?" "I touch them again is all, and they snap right back" " to the way they're supposed to be." " Am I the rubber band that broke?" "You're the only human being I've ever made alive again to stay." "He lied." "In fact, the pie maker had kept" "one other person alive for longer than a minute." "Using the gift to temporarily revive his own mother," "the unintended effect on Chuck's father had been more permanent." "The pie maker often asked himself" "if he would ever be able to tell Chuck this secret." " Your eye's twitching." " Is it?" "This is such a small cheese box." "The aunts who had raised Chuck," "had taught her to believe that the large white appliance in the kitchen," "had a fairly narrow purpose." "Aunt Lily, is it okay to freeze the Camembert?" "I'd rather not wedge it between the Edam and the Paneer!" "Or I could air out the Gouda!" "In fact, young Chuck did not refer to a refrigerator" "as anything but a cheese box until she was 17." "As Chuck considered the life she could never go back to," "Olive Snook considered the changes in her own life." "Foremost," "the mysterious brunette encroaching on the man she herself loved." "From her perch, the jealous yet agile neighbour" "was able to confirm only one pleasing detail." "There's a surprising lack of physical contact." "Oh, crap." "One mile to the west, Emerson Cod was also not thrilled." "During times of stress or anxiety, he liked to knit." "Since the arrival of the dead girl, who was not dead." "He found the stockinette stitch to be especially relaxing." "Emerson Cod." "But no stitch was a substitute for a good murder case." "Thanks." "Got it." "Meet me at the morgue in 15 minutes." "As he finished purling the row, he wished aloud..." "She'd better not come." "Hi, Emerson." "Isn't this exciting?" "Hey!" "What's she doing here?" "Said she didn't climb out of a coffin for me to keep her in a box." " She the boss of you?" " I'm the boss of me." " Dead girl's got to go." " Dead girl's not going anywhere." "Don't know nothing about her except she had soft lips when she was 10." " That should be enough." " Well, I don't like it." "Hey!" " What did you guys talk about?" " I'd like to get out of this car." "Is he upset you brought me back to life?" "He barely knows you're here." "In fact, Emerson Cod had finished knitting a sweater vest," "and two handgun cozies in the week since Chuck's return." "Sweet." "Do I really have to sit in back from now on?" " It's for your own safety." " You sound like my dad." "If my hand brushes yours, you'd be dead." "He didn't say that." "So probably better if you stay in the car for these morgue visits." "Someone might recognize you." "You really can't come in." "Did I say "can"?" "Because I swallow my consonants sometimes." ""N't." "N't."" "Can't come in." "Got that hit-and-run?" "We're from the government safety place?" "Is that a question?" "Government safety place." "The facts were these." "One Bernard Slaybeck, an unmarried automotive safety specialist." "35 years, 10 weeks, 7 hours, and 3 minutes old." "Was found dead by the side of the road." "The apparent victim of a hit-and-run driver." "As there were no witnesses, the police are offering a reward," "for information leading to the arrest of the killer." " I'm gonna wait back here." " You don't like dead bodies, do you?" "Not when they sit up and talk." " Poor man." " Just touch it." "I'm starting the watch." " Hey." " Hey." "Why is everything so blurry?" "Probably because your eyeballs are flat." " Ask the question." " Mr. Slaybeck, do you..." "Do you have any last requests, unfinished business from this life" " we can help you with?" " Don't let her." "Is this heaven?" " Could be." " No, it's not." " Is that God?" " No, it's not." " I'm confused, because I'm a Buddhist." " Buddhism is fascinating, isn't it?" "Did it help you in your final moments?" "She's wasting my minute." "What's with this minute?" "And when did it become your minute?" "Sure the hell ain't yours." "Hey, it's everyone's minute, or... 22 seconds." "Can you get a message to earth?" "Can you tell Jeannine in promotions that I loved her?" "Of course." "If you could remember anything about whoever was driving the hit-and-run vehicle that killed you, we can get you some justice." "What hit-and-run?" "I was killed by a crash-test dummy." "I'm not God, but if I was, I'd be an angry God." "We gave it our best shot." "So, a crash-test dummy killed Bernard." "Bernard was delusional." " It's still a clue." " It's a dead end." "And not the kind of dead end you can undead and then redead again," " like you're supposed to." " It's my fault?" "When you get all jabberwocky in my minute, it's hard to follow up on "the dummy did it."" "Got to get some real leads now." "Isn't what a P.I.'s supposed to do?" "Investigate?" "Isn't that the fun part?" "The fun part's counting my money in the bubble bath." "Nice image." "So." "What's the poop?" " "The poop"?" " The poop." "Scoop, skinny, the haps, the dillyo, the 411." "P.I. Lingo." "Rhubarb." "What's that mean?" "P.I. secret code for "get me a damn slice of rhubarb."" "This isn't Pies 'R' us, pie city, or thousands of pies in one place." "This is a bells-on-the-door, pies-baking, mom-and-pop place." "We chitchat here." "Chit!" "Chat." "You got it." "So, who's the funny girl stuck to Ned?" "Childhood sweetheart." "Still sweet." "His heart?" "You want the truth?" "Olive Snook did not want the truth," "but her heart was so full, that it reached up and nodded her head." "He digs her in a way he definitely doesn't dig you." "I'll just go get your pie." " Do they touch much?" " Wish they would." " Emerson thinks I'm useless." " You're not useless." "Here, let me." "You sift." "Useless is an empty soap dispenser in a restroom, standing around reminding people what you could be doing, but doing nothing at all." "Uh, more flour." "I can't be alive again for no reason." "I suppose I could be, but..." " Where's the fun in that?" " We'll find the killer." " Emerson's good at what he does." " All Emerson cares about is the reward." " Maybe that's enough." " It's not enough." "Enough flour." "What about Jeannine?" "She needs to know that Bernard loved her." "It was his dying wish." " It's so sad." " We'll cushion the blow." " Not a big fan of the blow." " We'll bring pie." "Someone dies, you bring food." "It's what you do." "As the pie maker secretly thought how much better" "his life had become since Chuck had returned..." "Olive secretly felt the distance between her and the pie maker," "grow more and more vast until it seemed," "she might as well be on the other side of the universe." "The earth is our only home." "If we don't take care of it, who will?" "Imagine a vehicle so revolutionary, it runs on an extraordinary new fuel" "derived from a renewable plant found everywhere." "The dandelion." "Introducing the Dandy Lion SX." "It'll blow you away." "While some came to dandy lion industries to see the car of the future," "Chuck and the pie maker came with a wish from the past." "A car that runs on dandelions?" "That's so neat!" " How are we gonna find Jeannine?" " This way, people." "Over here." "Jeannine from promotions?" "It's a personal matter." "The flower on the turntable." " Thanks." " Have a nice day." "Please, don't touch!" "No smudges!" "Now, who wants to see all the colors available for the dandy lion SX?" " You speak Japanese?" " Hai." "You take care of shut-ins your whole life, you have plenty of time to read." "Don't you have any hidden talents or hobbies?" "I mean regular ones." "Chuck's love of language had begun upon the discovery of a portable" "cassette-tape player and several boxes of language courses." "Hi!" "Flex your flower power!" "Would you like a factsheet on the dandy lion SX, the "spores" car of tomorrow?" "Get it? "Spores" car?" " Well, I think it's cute." " Are you Jeannine?" "Am in trouble for making up slogans?" "Cause I'll say the blow you away thing, but it seemed kind of redundant with the commercial playing all the time." "We're here on a more tragic matter about Bernard Slaybeck." "Maybe you got the wrong flower, but I didn't know any Bernard." "She lied." " Are you sure?" " I know what I know." "Is that pie?" "It was baked specifically for the recipient of Bernard's message." "Well, it's a shame to waste a perfectly good pie." "Man, that smells good." "You're drooling." " Bernard said..." " He's dead, right?" "The flower had a secret." "Yeah, he's dead." "Enjoy your pie." "But her training as a display model allowed her to conceal any trace." "Time to move on to the next stop, people." "The crash-test facility!" " "Crash-test facility"?" " Dummies." "Feel like taking a tour?" "Safely out of sight, the flower began to weep." "Like the rich, sugary dessert she binged on." "Her tears would remain with her for only the next 10 to 15 minutes," "before they would be purged from her body," "like they had never existed." "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the dandy lion worldwide crash-test facility." "Science guys, I'd like you to meet our newest dandy lion dealers from a little territory I like to call Asia." "Banzai!" "Science guy, tell them what happens in here." "This is where we use, electronic anthropomorphic units..." "Dummy des!" "To test the dandy lion SX for structural integrity, as well as the viability of all the restraint." "And impact-initiated safety systems." "We crash things in here." "Boom des ka!" "Now, who wants to pull the lever?" "As the group thrilled to the sight of twisted metal," "and simulated loss of life and limb." "Chuck came upon an equally chilling sight of her own." "One of these dummies is not like the others." "Where did his clothes go?" "Where did his face go." "Maybe Bernard wasn't crazy." "The dummy did it." "Or at least someone in dummy mask and an orange jumpsuit." " Chuck found the clue." " I found the clue." ""Clue" is a board game." "The professor did it in the parlor with a rubber mallet." "That's a clue." "We find evidence." "You got to admit, this means something." "It could be a lead." "Who would have access?" "Loopy dandy lion models, angry technicians could be anybody." "I did some checking on that car company." "They got a lot riding on this dandy lion." "Lot of angry competitors, too." " We got to get back in there tonight." " That's not how we do." "We got to get back in there tonight." "See if whoever took that dummy mask left any evidence." "Olive?" "Hiya!" "We're going out late tonight, a privilege thing hardly worth explaining." "Can you close up?" "I think I just did." "What?" "See you in the morning." " Bye, Olive." " Bye, Digby." "Olive often imagined there was an orchestra in her heart," "music heard only by her," "except when her heart broke open and it spilled out into the world." "Guess mine is not the first," "heart broken," "my eyes are not the first," "to cry." "I'm not the first to love, there's just no gettin' over you." "I'm hopelessly devoted..." "Excuse me." "We're closed." "You know I'm just a fool who's willing... /... to sit around and wait for you." "Baby, can't you see?" "There's nothing there for me to do?" "I'm hopelessly devoted..." " Hi, Olive!" " Hi, Manuel." " Can do the floors?" " Yeah, okay." "But now, there's nowhere I hide" "since you push my love aside." "And not in my hand... /hopelessly devoted... /to you... /Hopelessly devoted... /to you..." " Did you say something?" " No." "Hopelessly devoted... /to you..." "While Olive considered how much she loved Digby" "for paying attention to her when the pie maker would not," "and Digby considered how much he liked salt... /The pie maker considered what the sentence would be" "for breaking and entering with no prior convictions." "Where'd you get that?" "Contacted the company that makes these doors under false pretenses." "They gave me a sample I.D. Badge, which I digitally altered using the magnetic code that matches the serial number of this machine." "Is that cheating?" "I don't know." "Is this?" "I gave the security guard a hug goodbye." "My upper body distracted him while these things I call hands took this off his belt." "At that moment, the pie maker felt a mixture of happiness and trepidation." "Why is it always a mixture?" "What do you know about Emerson besides he privately investigates?" "What is so great about knowing?" "When you lift up a rock, do you find whipped cream?" "No, you find worms." "I say no to knowing." "We haven't seen each other in like 20 years." "Don't you want to know about me?" "I want to know everything about you." "Look, we've all done things we're not proud of." "We all have secrets." "What secrets?" "Skeletons in the closet." "Exactly." "How long have you been listening?" "There are skeletons in the closet." "Those aren't skeletons." "Those are dead bodies." "Hey!" "Rick!" " Rick Page." " Hey, Rick." "Do you know what's happening right now?" "Last thing I remember, I was reading sales forecasts in the back." "Geez, those things are dull." "Have you ever heard of the "Dandy Lion" car company?" "Nope." "You want to open the kimono on why I'm wearing a silver leotard and hanging from a hook?" "Do you have any last requests or thoughts?" "If I wanted to mingle with a bunch of geeks wearing leotards," "I'd have stayed in art school." "You went to art school?" "Didn't know that, did you?" "Stop it!" "I was just riding the ferris wheel at the state fair, and the teenager running it said I could ride an extra... turn." "Did you ever heard of the "Dandy Lion" car company?" " Moving on." " Wait a sec." "I did check a box that said I could be used to test automobile safety." "Sounds scary, but when you're dead, you're dead." "Am I dead?" "There's nothing illegal about any of that?" "And why would "Dandy Lion" replace all their crash-test dummies with dead bodies?" "And what happened to all the real dummies?" "Before Emerson Cod could reply" "with a clever if slighy insulting remark..." "See that?" "Jeannine?" "What?" "I couldn't tell you anything before because they were watching me." "I hid at work to make sure no one would follow me home." "The truth is Bernie and I were so in love." "It all started when he came to see this sales training thing on his break, and it was love at first sight." "I couldn't take my eyes off him." "He just like mesmerized me." "My heart leapt out of my chest, and I just couldn't look away." "I don't know what it was." "I got all misty-eyed, you know?" "And as Jeannine continued to eat her triple-berry pie," "she told them the story of her love affair with Bernard Slaybeck." "Present, present, present, present, present, present, and giggle, giggle, giggle, giggle, good girls." "They had met when the scientist had come to watch" "sales traing on a long lunch." "The attraction was instantaneous," "and they would both confess to replaying this first encounter" "as they fell asleep in their beds that night." "He would rember her hair as being slightly redder," "her sweater slightly tighter," "but the smile..." "he would get just right." "She would remember his look as shy but flirtatious." "His tie as red but very thin," "and that his sandwich was an angus beef patty with butterhead lettuce," "roma tomatoes, on a sesame-seed whole-wheat bun, and a glass of 2% milk." "As they talked, these were the things she came to know first." "The scientist was kind." "The scientist was lonely." "The scientist came alive" "when he told her about his hobby of catching butterflies." "When he admitted that he always set them free," "she felt dizzy and giggled for no reason." "The waif and the scientist fell deeply in love," "hiding their affair from the world like a trade secret." "But Jeannine from promotions felt a chasm growing between them." "As the launch of the flower car grew closer," "Bernard's hours grew longer." "He became distant and hard to reach." "Suspecting her safety scientist of stepping out on her," "she began to spy." "But there was no other flower, only mysterious trips into the darkness." "Where did she go?" "Sorry." "Restroom." "Mint, anyone?" "No, thanks." "Where was Slaybeck going on these night drives?" "I could never see." "And when I confronted him about it, he wouldn't tell me anything." "I thought he was being paranoid 'till he turned up dead." " You gonna finish that?" " Yes." "I wish we knew what he was doing." "I figured it out." "It's easier if I show you." "Follow me." " Shotgun!" " Chuck!" "I hate the back." "Dead, again, forever." "Fine." "Dead." " She's not going very fast." " That car can't have a very big engine." "Maybe she ate it." "That's not funny." "She obviously has a very serious disorder." " What do you mean?" " Seriously?" "The girl's got a whole secret life in the bathroom." " And I know exactly how she feels." " So do I." "I hate having secrets." "Now I am one." "All these disguises, hiding in your apartment all the time." "I hate secrets, too." "What?" "You love secrets." "You want to marry secrets and have little half-secret, half-human babies." "I have a secret, too." "I do miss my aunts." "If I can't have them back, then all I have is you." "Which is great but..." "I don't know anything about you since you were 9." "It's pretty much I bake pies and wake the dead." "I live a very sheltered life." "I already lived a sheltered life once." "But it wasn't as sheltered as you think." "Aunt Lily had a very extensive collection of historic erotica hidden in the milk cellar." "The milk cellar." "The cheese floor, the spooky place under the house, whatever." "I will pay both of you not to have this conversation in front of me." "It's not in front of you." "It's to the side and behind you." "You can't ride in the front, Chuck." "Tragically for Jeannine, it didn't matter where she sat." "There you go." "Good as new." " Do I look okay?" " Runway ready." "Really?" "You don't think these bandages make me look fat?" "No, not at all." "That's so sweet." " Is he always this sweet?" " I wouldn't know." "Look, some crazy car bomber just went through a lot of trouble to keep you from showing us whatever it is you wanted to show us." " The bodies." " What bodies?" "The dead bodies?" "We already found the dead bodies." "The ones in the big hole." "How sad." "Why would somebody do this?" "One way to find out." "What is all that?" "Each one of these guys is fitted with a computer hard drive to record any of the crash-test data." "You bury the dummies, you bury the data." "Couldn't they just erase it?" "You never can completely erase anything." "Why are dead people on hooks and plastic dummies in a grave?" "The company must have switched to cadavers so that there'd be no permanent record of the crash-test results, 'cause dead people don't talk..." "Usually." "As the pie-maker's brain crackled with 10,000 volts of electricity" "and then lost consciousness, Olive would have no such luck." "Digby, you awake?" "I can't sleep, either." "Closing her eyes only made her visions of the pie maker's late-night date" "with the perky brunette from nowhere more vivid and uncensored." "Yuck." "Olive decided she was done lying down about this." "We are up." "We are walking." "Look." "Automobile manufacturing's a dirty business." "Murder was not new for Mark Chase." "Luckily, body bags keep things nice and neat." "The facts were these." "Through a series of crash-test experiments," "Bernard Slaybeck had learned that the "Dandy Lion" was a deadly dud." "Bernard begged the president to cancel the car's launch," "but Mark Chase had other plans." "Like a smoking gun," "the smoking dummies would have to be buried." "The company had invested millions in the "Dandy Lion"," "and he knew that keeping this terrible secret" "would still be cheaper than halting production of the car." "A decision was made, a cover-up undertaken." "If the dummies had to go, so would any dummy who got in the way." "As he regained consciousness and hurtled toward the crash-test wall," "Bernard's only thoughts were of Jeannine" "and how he wished he'd told her he loved her." "Mark Chase's attention to detail and gift for planning" "for planning had served him well as a C.E.O.," "and now again as a murderer." "His cover-up complete," "his only thoughts were that the "Dandy Lion" SX would bloom on time" "and no one would stop him." "The "Dandy Lion" car is the culmination of my life's work." "It is a flower-powered phenomenon born of a thousand sleepless nights, intense ritalin abuse, and a long-sublimated interest in botany." "So what if in the unlikely but... not impossible event that the car gets up to a speed of 70 miles an hour, with the headlights on and the seat warmer on low, a short-circuit in the radio causes a cataclysmic chain reaction" "that blows the car and his precious human cargo to smithereens?" "!" "As Mark Chase continued his monologue," "unaware that it was completely inaudible" "from within the sealed body bags within the car," "Chuck pondered why it was she always seemed to die" "just as things were starting to get good." "Son of a bitch." "What?" "And though he couldn't hear her," "Ned suddenly wanted to tell her everything." "Pet Peeves and favorite foods," "his fears, his dreams," "and all the pure joy she had brought into his life." "Sayonara." "This was the end." "All over again." "Goodbye." "Emerson Cod did not like to knit in public," "but he often left the house with the needles in his pocket," "should the opportunity to rib-stitch a skcap present itself." "Drive!" "If only the pie-maker had heard" "the killer exclaim that the "Dandy Lion" SX" "was much more than an eco-friendly car of the future." "If only he'd heard it was also a deathtrap," "a dandelion-fueled time bomb." "Come on." "Just a little faster." " Can't this car go any faster?" " Some car of the future this is!" "I thought the car of the future was supposed to fly." "What the hell happened to flying cars?" "In the unlikely but not impossible event" "to reaching the speed of 70 miles an hour" "with the headlights on and the seat warmer set to low," "A short-circuit in the radio would set off a cataclysmic chain reaction" "that would blow the car and its precious human cargo to smithereens." "Jeannine had been the first unfortunate victim, and now..." "Watch out!" "The pie maker had never been so happy to see Olive." "Olive had never been so happy to see the pie maker." "You okay?" "I am now." "Whatever the pie maker had been doing that night" "did not seem especially romantic." "Can you help us get out of these body bags?" "Sure." "Mark Chase's chase had come to an end." "His plan foiled and the police now closing in," "the car maker tried to flee, only to discover he was out of gas." "Unlike the pie maker and his friends, the "Dandy Lion" car company" "did not survive once its dark secrets were revealed." "Those responsible were punished for their wicked ways." "Others, strengthened by the news that their loved ones had not died in vain," "reached out for the help and round-the-clock surveillance" "by a nutrition professional that they needed." "And Emerson Cod realized he would not be not knitting anytime soon," "as the dead girl, who was not dead, appeared to be staying put..." "Sweet." "A fact the pie maker celebrated." "Not giving up, Digby." "Get in." "The front?" "You did this?" "You can drive now, too, if you want..." "But I kind of love driving." "Really?" "I didn't know that about you." "What is that?" "It's for..." "Steering emergencies." "He lied." "Perfect." "That's what I thought." "She lied, too."