"# Theme music" "Happy anniversary, Winnie." "Ohh!" "Thank you." "This is a very nice gesture." "But embarrassing for you because our first date anniversary is on Thursday." "And our first kiss anniversary, technically, is on Friday." "And our sex anniversary is on Tuesday the 22nd, beginning at 10:52pm and finishing at 11:06." "Wow." "That's impressive, and disturbing." "I didn't realise sex anniversaries were a thing." "Oh, they're a thing." "They're definitely a thing." "But thank you for the muffin." "Well, I got us something else." "Something we can do together." "Did you buy an air hockey table?" "Camping." "Together." "The two of us." "Camping?" "Like outdoors in the bush camping?" "Course it's outdoors - it's camping." "But..." "Brickvention is on this weekend." "Brickvention, the Lego convention, we go every year." "We've never been." "Not yet." "But this could be our thing." "They're releasing the new Game Of Thrones Lego." "Can't wait to see how they do Khaleesi." "You're obsessed with Khaleesi." "Uh, hello?" "She has three dragons." "Yeah, well, I've already paid for camping." "And resist, resist." "OK." "OK." "All done." "(Grunts)" "You'll be back on that dirtbike in no time." "Yeah, my Kawasaki A... 380." "Love that bike." "So, um, do you watch YouTube?" "I found this great clip." "MAN:" "It's my wife's birthday." "I've got to go to The Body Shop and..." "What's that?" "Oh, that's the..." "RAY MARTIN:" "Hi, I'm Ray Martin." "It's Ray Martin." "The bloke behind this camera phone here wants me to ask you out on a date on his behalf." "I think he's ridgy-didge, but good luck." "MAN:" "That's great..." "Caught him down the shops." "What a pro." "Yeah." "So, what do... what do you think?" "Is it, uh, 'ridgy-didge'?" "I'm very flattered, Brad." "Uh... you're a... you're a nice guy." "Sorry, so that's a yes?" "I don't date clients." "Don't or won't?" "That's..." "That's the question." "Both, I guess, is the answer." "It's just a policy we have." "I'm sorry." "Yeah, no, I..." "I've actually got a similar policy." "Don't normally date my doctors, so it's..." "Just since..." "thought since we'd finished now, you're technically not my doctor anymore." "Course, if I got injured again and needed a physio, we'd have to call it quits just for that period of time and then we'd probably pick it up again." "But it's... it's..." "you know, I should get going." "OK." "Um... thanks so much." "Pleasure." "See you later." "Do you know how many people get lost on these camping trips?" "Thousands." "I'll get you stats." "Which is why I found this website where you hire a ranger to take all the stress and danger out of it." "What, that guy?" "He looks like an underwear model." "Yeah, well, that's not gonna be the guy." "That's just the stock photo they use for the website." "Yeah, but what if it's the dude from Wolf Creek?" "How do we know this isn't a trap?" "If I was planning on killing a young couple on their first-year anniversary, this is exactly how I would do it." "It's our anniversary date." "I'm going with or without you." "For the record, I hope it's with." "She doesn't date clients?" "Didn't your last girlfriend say that?" "No, it wasn't that she didn't date clients." "It's that she didn't sleep with clients." "And she wasn't my girlfriend, she was a prostitute." "That doesn't make sense." "That's what I told her." "OK, what did she say, exactly?" "Uh, she had to get back to the brothel to put her footy tips in." "Not her." "Amy... your..." "What did Amy say?" "We don't date clients." "It's a policy." "That is not policy." "Yes, it is." "I wrote it in our code of ethics." "I don't care if Jesus wrote it in the Bible, it ain't a policy." "Jesus didn't write the Bible." "And, yes, it is a policy." "Aims, I have a fear of abandonment." "You have a fear of being alone." "I'm doing something about my situation this weekend by putting on my play." "Why don't you do something about yours?" "Bring him along to my show." "You are still coming, aren't you?" "Oh, yes, course." "Who here has dated a client?" "Just..." "May I help you, sir?" "Yes, I would like a 6L water bottle with a filter, a military-proof canvas backpack, your best lightweight and breathable thermals, preferably polypropylene of course, six pair of Explorer socks, three red, three blue," "a rope watch, and do you sell bulletproof vests?" "Where exactly are you going?" "(Exhales) On a date." "And what a great suggestion the dirtbike story was!" "I should've just been honest with her from the start." "What, and tell her you broke your leg falling over on a bus?" "Nice one." "I was still putting my wallet away!" "Alright?" "The bus lurched forward, I wasn't holding on - it's legitimate." "It's embarrassing, is what it is." "At least I'm still getting more sex than Dad." "I wouldn't be so sure about that." "Oh, you are kidding me!" "Well, mate, I tried to set you up with Jen." "OK?" "I tried." "I did my best." "OK?" "But you fell over on a bus." "I didn't mean to fall over on a bus!" "Hang onto something!" "If you'd lent me the car..." "There's things to hang onto!" "..I wouldn't have to get a bus!" "Sit down, get your..." "Hi." "Hi." "Oh, was my card rejected again?" "No, no." "Um... do you want to, um...?" "What are you doing on Sunday afternoon?" "Want to come and see a play with me?" "Maybe we can grab some lunch beforehand?" "Uh, yeah, yeah, that'd be totes amazeballs." "You won't regret it." "I mean, what's the worst thing that could happen?" "It says to meet here." "Wow." "Have you packed your bulletproof vest?" "They're actually illegal." "You can only buy them online." "Hey, this could be our guy now." "You've got to be joking." "A father takes his son camping - Native American Indian country." "And the son sees some smoke signals and says," "'Dad, Dad, what do they say?" "'" "And the father replies, 'Help." "My blanket." "It's on fire.'" "(Forced chuckle)" "You must be Manda and Winston." "I'm Ranger Tom, and for the next 24 hours, I'm all yours." "So good to see you." "You too." "This is my friend Brad." "Brad, this is Gustav." "He runs Shadow Feast." "Brad, great to meet you." "You too, Gustav." "I purposely didn't eat this morning, so I'd be ready for lunch, so..." "Mm, very good." "Well, look, here at Shadow Feast we believe in the essence of food, literally." "Are you familiar with how it works here?" "Uh... we order food and you bring it to us?" "(Chuckles) Very good." "No, basically, you enjoy the flavour of all the dishes as you normally would without ingesting any of the food." "I'm sorry." "What?" "AMY:" "Think of it like wine tasting." "As I said, it's about the essence, the flavour, sans all those pesky carbs and calories." "Yeah, no, of course." "I love... essences." "Fantastic." "Alright." "I will bring you your first dishes." "Thank you." "Great." "So this play we're seeing." "A one-woman show." "It's drama-py." "Drama-py?" "Therapy through drama." "So it's about working through your issues - in my friend's case, abandonment issues - by the medium of theatre." "I think it's really great you're so supportive of your friends." "You know, coming here and going to Mon's play." "Yeah." "She's had two stepdads and a couple of really bad relationship breakdowns." "It seems like every man she encounters just walks out the door." "Appetisers." "Here we are." "Thank you." "We have a breast of duck on a bed of roasted eggplant with some barley flakes." "Yeah." "Bon appetit." "Thank you." "Mmm." "That's amazing." "Flavour's so intense." "Mmm." "Tell me about it." "(Tom speaks indistinctly)" "(Manda laughs)" "Come on, Win!" "You can put that away, champ." "We're not i-camping." "Put it in your i-backpack. (Chuckles)" "(Chuckles)" "Now, if we crouch down and look very carefully through here, you will see the Mageto Pialysis, more commonly known as the magpie." "Uh..." "Ha..." "Very rare in these parts." "Um, I see seven to ten of those every single day and I work in a shopping mall." "Yeah, I was just having a joke, champ." "At least he's trying to make jokes." "Why are you being like this?" "It's supposed to be fun." "Oh, I know the fun only really starts when we have to dig a hole to take a dump in and wipe our butts with pine cones." "You are totally missing the point." "Oh, am I?" "Or maybe you're standing so close to the point, you can't even see the point anymore." "What?" "Ow!" "Agh!" "Shit!" "You got me eye!" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Oh, yeah." "I'm sorry." "Hold that, hold that." "Agh..." "Wow." "What a way to eat." "Or not eat, as it were." "I was kidding." "I'm just gonna duck to the gents..." "So, uh..." "Can't wait for dessert." "I mean, what kind of restaurant doesn't let you eat the food?" "It's like gastronomical cock-teasing." "Here, guys." "Here you go." "Oh, yes!" "Jeez, you came prepared." "Oh, my wife brings me here every fortnight." "Poor bastard." "You got any more?" "Sorry, mate." "Hang on, Bear Grylls." "Isn't part of this deal that you set the tent up?" "That you start the fire?" "Yeah, but most fellas feel emasculated if another bloke pitches a tent in front of the missus." "But, hey, if you don't know how..." "That is not the issue here." "OK?" "I'll do it." "No." "I..." "I can." "I was just saying..." "OK, sure, we'll do it together." "AMY:" "I actually feel quite full." "BRAD:" "Mm, yeah." "Flowers." "We forgot flowers." "What for?" "For..." "For Mon." "Nice tradition." "What kind of friend shows up to opening night without flowers?" "Oh, yeah." "Tell me the truth, Manda." "Did you know it was gonna be him?" "Yes, I booked a camping trip with my boyfriend to celebrate our one-year anniversary in the hope of hooking up with the cute guy from the website." "Bravo, Win." "You worked out my devious plan." "Aha!" "So you do think he's cute." "I knew it." "It's OK, I can handle it." "First of all, he's not my type." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, what is your type?" "Shorter, nerdier, more Asian-y vacuum salesman with sleep apnoea?" "Win, I don't know why you've timed this weird behaviour to coincide with our anniversary, but I need you to stop because if this keeps heading in this direction, it will be disastrous." "And I know, in a day or two, you'll come to your senses." "You'll apologise, you might even buy me flowers, or a muffin." "But you need to know, in a day or two, it will be too late." "I'm sorry." "Manda." "Manda." "Manda." "Oh, sorry, cobbers, just having a quick bush shower." "Oh!" "God..." "How long has this been in there for, mate?" "Hard to say." "Why is it hard to say?" "Hard to say." "Brayden." "Leave that man alone." "What's brown and sticky?" "Oh." "Hi." "I didn't see you there." "Hey, um, if I was a betting man, I would have to say that Winston wasn't exactly an outdoorsy type of guy." "I dragged him out here, so he's doing his best." "Camping can be hard on relationships." "A lot of relationships go missing out here." "I don't think we're at that stage." "Yeah, I'm just getting out of a relationship myself, actually." "Oh, sorry." "Yeah, I was just tired of being the one that put in all the effort all the time and didn't get a lot in return." "Yeah, I spent ages waiting for things to change and, in the end, the only thing that changed was the calendar." "Because time was passing, not because we needed a new calendar, yeah?" "In the end, I just had to walk away." "Hey, uh, let's have a look at that eye of yours, shall we?" "Oh, no, I'm sure it's fine." "It's..." "Yep." "Oh." "Has anyone ever told you you've got the most amazing eyes?" "Oh, uh..." "I, uh... (Gunshot) Ooh!" "What was that?" "Um, hunters?" "Yeah... (Stammers) Yeah." "I, um, I hope they're not hunting us." "Yeah. (Chuckles nervously)" "Phoof." "Yeah." "I don't think that dickhead is ever gonna leave." "I thought this was supposed to be about the two of us." "Yeah, it was." "It is." "I'm sure he's just about to go." "Hey, guys." "Who's up for a little singalong?" "(Vacuum whirrs)" "You have something on your, um..." "Oh... uh..." "Oh, it's just a dead skin flake." "Are you bleeding?" "Oh, yeah, I also bleed a lot." "It's a family thing." "A long line of haemophiliacs." "(Brad's stomach rumbles)" "(Strums ukulele)" "Thank you." "Yeah, that was Maroon 5's first album, Songs For Jane." "Who's up for the second?" "Oh, um..." "we're thinking of calling it a day." "OK." "Yeah." "Good." "Well, just before you do, I'll, um, just take a slash." "Nature calls." "(Gunshot)" "Um, second thoughts, I'm just gonna take one here." "We're all mates." "No, we're not." "No, you won't." "Keep going." "Jeez." "Hey, Manda." "So... three guys go camping, right?" "And they all sleep in a row in the same three-man tent." "In the morning, they wake up and the guy on the left says," "'I had the weirdest dream that somebody was trying to pull my dick off.'" "And the guy on the right says," "'That's weird." "I had that exact same dream.'" "And the guy in the middle says," "'I had a dream that I was downhill skiing.'" "Yeah?" "You see, one of the guys was giving them hand jobs." "Look, I guess I'm trying to say I'm sorry for... (Tom screaming)" "Shit." "Help!" "I hate this guy." "Help!" "# DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC" "(Stomach rumbles)" "Oh, wow." "(Stomach rumbles and gurgles)" "Oh, it's so moving." "She's amazing." "Yeah." "(Stomach gurgles)" "(Farts)" "Oh, who is that?" "(Sniffs) Some people." "This is the theatre." "Hey, when's interval?" "There's no interval." "Oh." "Cool." "(Stomach rumbles)" "(Tom shrieks)" "A snake!" "I was bitten by a snake!" "What?" "Dude, did a snake bite you on the balls?" "No!" "Not on the balls, just right next door to it." "In the perineum?" "What's a perineum?" "It's the island between your thing..." "No, not the perineum." "In the groin crease." "I was trying to take a picture." "I was gonna Instagram the bastard." "And then he bit me." "What?" "What kind of snake was it?" "What, you have an iPhone?" "What is this, i-camping?" "Yes, that is definitely a snake of some type." "Well, what do we do?" "I don't know!" "What do you mean you don't know?" "You're a ranger." "I'm not a real ranger." "I knew it!" "I knew it!" "I'm just..." "Look, I'm a part-time model." "OK?" "I do some stripping on the side." "I took a crash course one Saturday morning in this 'cause people keep expecting the guy from the website." "I don't know what I'm doing." "This is only my third time up here." "You have to do something, now!" "(Gunshot)" "What do we do?" "I read somewhere that if you don't suck the venom out, I could die." "So you have to suck it out." "Do you want me to die?" "(Gunshot)" "Win!" "No, no!" "I don't want him to die!" "I don't want you to die!" "I don't want any of us to die!" "The calm before the storm." "I feel its thunder rumbling towards me... (Stomach gurgles) ..yet I am powerless to stop the carnage." "Oh... (Stomach gurgles)" "I think I left the lights on in the car." "What?" "It'll run the battery down." "No, you can't leave now." "The wrenching, the churning, the pressure builds to breaking point!" "(Stomach gurgles)" "Brad!" "I brace myself." "(Audience whisper and murmur)" "Sorry." "WOMAN:" "Is that part of the performance?" "WOMAN:" "Not sure." "Closed for cleaning?" "You'll be cleaning the foyer soon." "Ahh...." "MANDA:" "So are you gonna do it?" "Do what?" "I'm not gonna suck venom out of a stripper's balls!" "Well, it's not his balls, it's his groin crease!" "Just..." "Look, if I'm gonna have my first gay experience," "I want it to be on my own terms." "Please!" "Win, if you don't, I will." "No, no!" "No!" "No!" "OK!" "I'll do it!" "I'll do it." "OK?" "Just say this." "Next year, we are definitely going to Brickvention." "OK." "Good luck." "Get the job done but don't linger." "OK." "I'll be thinking of you while I'm down there." "OK, there's not time, just suck it!" "Just suck it!" "Suck it now!" "What are you doing?" "(Both shriek)" "She made me suck it." "Were you sucking his...?" "Snake!" "I mean..." "He was sucking the venom out of a snakebite that he's got." "I didn't actually suck it." "My lips never actually touched him." "Do you know what kind of snake bit him or...?" "Yes." "Yes." "(Hunters snigger)" "Is it a funny snake?" "No, that's a carpet snake." "It's completely harmless." "Mm." "No venom!" "Brilliant." "Yeah, feel free to continue." "Yeah, don't let us stop you." "So he's not dead, then?" "No, he's just a softcock." "We got our ute back up the road." "We can give this fella a ride home." "You guys wanna come or you gonna stay the night?" "Um... uh..." "I don't know." "(Stomach rumbles and gurgles)" "Ahh!" "Thank you, God!" "# ORGAN MUSIC" "(Stomach rumbles)" "It's not fair, is it, mate?" "It doesn't make any sense." "It's just a terrible mess." "Shit." "I'm so sorry, Aunty Joan." "Oh." "Oh, everything is going to be OK." "(Stomach rumbles) Just let it all out." "(Farts)" "Oh!" "Come on, Aunty Joan." "We should keep moving." "Oh!" "(Cries)" "(Farts)" "I mean, what kind of a person does something like that?" "Yeah, I know, I'm sorry, Mon." "Just brought it all back up again, you know?" "Just another man who can't get away quick enough." "So, uh, good news, headlights weren't on." "What are you wearing?" "Uh, yeah..." "I was mugged by some teenagers." "They stole my pants." "I found these in the car." "They're my mum's... my sister's..." "No, Mum's sis..." "My aunt..." "Aunty Bev's." "It's all they had." "They didn't take your wallet or your car keys?" "Uh... that's the weird thing - they just wanted the pants." "Obviously had their eye on them." "Why can't you just be straight with me?" "I was actually having a really nice time until you took off." "You think I liked the play?" "Sorry, Mon." "Your performance was amazing." "But it's just not my cup of tea." "Yeah, it's probably a bit all over-written." "And my friend's restaurant." "I mean, who eats like that?" "Ludicrous." "But hang on..." "I am being a supportive friend." "Friends earn the right to be respectfully lied to." "But we can't start at that point." "And if you don't think I'm worthy..." "Alright." "Fine, you want honesty?" "Yes." "You want me to be 'totes real'?" "Yes." "Whatever it is, I can handle it." "I'm a big girl." "I shat my pants!" "(Patrons gasp)" "You what?" "I ate a dodgy sausage roll down at the corner store." "And I did a poo in my pants." "(Patrons chuckling and groaning)" "And that's why I left the show." "And that's why I had to raid a charity bin." "That is disgusting." "How old are you?" "So I shouldn't be honest with you." "Not about something like that." "What..." "You've got double standards." "No, I have standards." "And guys who crap their pants don't meet those standards." "Amy, hang on." "Despite having a pretty bloody good reason for not coming back, he did, which makes him resoundingly superior to any man that I've ever met." "No, I'm sorry." "He shat his pants." "Sorry, champ, I did my best." "Excuse me." "Good to go now." "Oh." "Thanks." "Um... give me a call." "Maybe we could get a coffee, so..." "Oh." "OK." "Yeah." "Do you want to get one now?" "Er, no." "No, I think you should probably just go home and..." "Oh, yeah, of course, yes." "..clean that up." "Good point." "(Stomach gurgles)" "Oh, hey." "So..." "does this qualify as the worst date ever?" "Well, you did make me suck a stripper's nut-sack for no reason, so maybe it is." "You were very brave." "You know, they say camping can make or break a couple." "So, um... how do you think we...?" "Look, I'm sorry for bringing you out here." "No, I don't want to hear it." "Fair enough." "Manda, you dragged me through the bush with a stripper, pig shooters, lizards, gunfire." "You put us through all of that just so you could spend some time alone with me?" "I know." "I'm sorry." "Manda, that blows my mind." "In a good way." "Really?" "You don't hate me?" "No." "Of course not." "I can think of no bigger compliment than for someone to say," "'Hey, I'd like to spend some time alone with you.'" "So you think you'd like to spend some more time alone with me?" "Well, I did knock back a pretty sweet ride with some pig shooters to be here with you." "WOMAN:" "I want to have a stripper!" "(Women cheer and scream)" "Are you STD free?" "How's the date going?" "Yeah, good." "Fuck you, arsehole!" "Well... (Russian accent) Baby, do you like these new sexy jeans I bought?" "They're sexy jeans." "So we both follow him on Facebook." "First World problems, you loser!" "There you go, lady." "Whoo!" "Shots!" "That wasn't a shot, lady." "You just drank my ji..." "Rory's glory!" "Captions by CSI Australia"