" THANK YOU." "VERY COOL." " HA HA!" "KOO KOO RIKOO!" "KOO KOO RIKOO!" " I AM AN ARTIST, OKAY?" " HELLOOO." " I REALLY AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE TONIGHT." " WE GOT TWO MINUTES TILL SHOW, OKAY?" "TWO MINUTES." " HEY, WHOSE CAT IS THIS?" " MINE." "HE WAS LONELY, SO I BROUGHT HIM." " OKAY, WELL, I'M ALLERGIC TO CATS." " YOU'RE SUPER LOW ON CRU D'ETE." "IS THERE SOMEONE WE COULD TALK TO?" " I KNOW." "I'M JUST TRYING TO GET THE SET READY FOR..." " I'M HUNGRY." " OKAY, I'LL GET IT." "OH, I THINK THEY NEED MORE CRU D'ETE" "IN THE GREEN ROOM." "THANKS, MAN." " CRU D'ETE?" "EXCUSE ME!" "I AM AN ARTIST, OKAY?" "LOOK AT WHAT I HAVE CREATED." "WHO TOOK THE STRING CHEESE OUT OF THE BOWL, OKAY?" "THIS IS FOR DECORATION PURPOSES!" "NO!" "NO!" "ABSOLUTELY NO!" "HELLO, CREW?" "YES." "THERE HAS BEEN A STRING CHEESE INCIDENT," "AND IT IS UNACCEPTABLE, OKAY?" "DO NOT TOUCH MY CRAFT SERVICES TABLE, ALL RIGHT?" "IT IS MY ART." "IT IS MY CANVAS." "WOULD YOU GO UP TO A VAN GOGH PAINTING" "AND SMEAR [bleep] DIARRHEA ON IT?" "NO, YOU WOULDN'T." "[walkie-talkie crackling] SECURITY!" "HELLO?" " TSK." "OH, DEMANDS OF THE JOB." "LIKE, I'M SECURITY." "[cash register rings]" "IS IT ALL RIGHT IF I WAND YOU RIGHT NOW?" " SURE, YEAH." "[wand beeping and whistling] [rhythmic beeping]" " WE COULD MAKE BEAUTIFUL MUSIC TOGETHER." " I'M SORRY?" " OKAY, NO, BUT I HEARD SOMETHING," "SO NOW I HAVE TO SEARCH YOU" "BECAUSE OF, LIKE, THE WAR ON TERROR." "LIKE, REST IN PEACE!" " ALL RIGHT, I THINK I'M ALL SAFE." " OH, OKAY." "YOU KNOW WHAT?" "THE ONLY THING DANGEROUS ABOUT YOU" "IS THAT I COULD FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU." " HEY, TAKE CARE." " THANK YOU." "VERY COOL." "OKAY, BABE." "NEXT." "NO, BRO, GET OUT OF HERE." " UGH." "I HAVEN'T BEEN ON A LINE THIS LONG" "SINCE THEY WERE GIVING OUT" "FREE DIAPHRAGMS AT THAT HIGH SCHOOL." "[jazz riff]" " I HEARD THIS IS FOR ONE OF THOSE COMIC RELIEF SHOWS." " OOH, I LOVE COMIC RELIEF." " YEAH, SURE." " WHOOP GOLDBERG." " BILL CRYSTAL." " YOU KNOW WHO THE HOTTEST YOUNG COMIC" "ON THE MARKET IS TODAY?" " WHO'S THAT?" " PAUL REISER." " OH, FROM MAD 'BOUT YOU." " HE'S FUNNY." " HE IS." " HE'S... both:" "NATURALLY FUNNY." " [Spanish accent] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN," "PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEAT." "THE SHOW WILL BEGIN SHORTLY." "KOO KOO RIKOO!" "KOO KOO RIKOO!" "AND NOW, IT IS MY PLEASURE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN," "DAMAS AND CABALLEROS," "DIRECT ON THIS STAGE," "SECURITY GUARD ROBERT BRUSCHA." " NOT YET?" "[cheers and applause]" "AH HA HA HA HA HA." "HELLO." "MY NAME IS ROBERT BRUSCHA," "AKA BOBBY B," "AKA BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE." "[cheers and applause]" "OKAY, VERY COOL." "VERY COOL." "OKAY, I'M THE SECURITY GUARD HERE TODAY," "AND I WANT TO SAY TO YOU FIRST AND FIRST MOSTLY," "SAFETY FIRST." "BUT ALSO..." "BE DANGEROUS." "[cheers and applause]" "OKAY, SO I'M HERE TO GO OVER SOME DOS AND DON'T DO ITS," "AS FAR AS THE RULES AND REGULATIONS GO" "HERE AT THE SHOW, OKAY?" "SO, FIRST, NO CELL PHONES," "UNLESS IT'S, LIKE, AN IMPORTANT CALL FROM ONE OF YOUR BOYS." "LIKE, IN MY CASE, THAT WOULD BE, LIKE, JIMMY Z" "OR DANNY DO," "'CAUSE, LIKE, HE ALWAYS DOES." "NO DRINKING TO "ASSESS," OKAY?" "WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE, OKAY?" "LIKE, I WAS ONCE AND ON A NUMBER OF OCCASIONS," "I'VE BEEN A V.I.P. GUEST" "AT A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT UFC TAILGATING EVENTS," "AND ON ONE SUCH OCCASIONS..." "I CHALLENGED A SMALL GIRL TO A PUSH-UP COMPETITION." "BUT I HAD JUST SIMULTANEOUSLY AND MOMENTS BEFORE" "EATEN A NUMBER OF VODKA-INFUSED KOBE BEEF SLIDERS." "AT WHICH POINT, I FELL INTO A STATE OF DEHYDRATION," "BECAUSE TO DRINK WATER IS TO SHOW WEAKNESS." "BUT I DIGEST." "A COUPLE OF OTHER THINGS TO THINK ABOUT." "IF THERE'S, LIKE, A FIRE," "PUT IT OUT." "ALSO, IF THERE'S, LIKE, AN EARTHQUAKE," "JUST BE LIKE, "NOT TODAY."" "FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW," "AN EARTHQUAKE, AS A SCIENTIST SPEAKING," "IS LIKE A PLATONIC SHIFT." "SO THAT'S LIKE WHEN ONE PART OF THE EARTH IS LIKE," ""OH, LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS."" "AND THE OTHER PART OF THE EARTH IS LIKE," ""NO, I BOUGHT YOU DINNER." "LET'S DO THIS."" "I WOULD SAY TO YOU ALSO," "LIKE, I'M NOT ONLY A SECURITY GUARD," "BUT I DO A NUMBER OF OTHER THINGS PROFESSIONALLY." "LIKE FOR EXAMPLE," "I AM THE AUTHOR OF A NUMBER OF EARLY STAGE PYRAMID SCHEMES." "I'M ALSO A RECORD PRODUCER." "SO, LIKE, HIT ME UP ON MYSPACE OR WHATEVER." "YOU CAN FIND ME UNDER MY DJ NAME," "WHICH IS DJ ORIENTAL IMMIGRANT," "BECAUSE, LIKE, I LAY DOWN CRAZY TRACKS." "AND, LIKE, THAT'S NOT RACIST," "'CAUSE I JERK OFF TO ASIAN GIRLS." "SO IN A SUMMARIZATION FINALITY" "OF WHAT I COULD BE SAYING TO YOU," "AND I WILL SAY, AND IT WILL BE ON MY TOMBSTONE." "IN CONCLUSION, REMEMBER," "VODKA," "JESUS," "REVENGE." "[cheers and applause]" " TONIGHT'S SHOW IS SPONSORED BY WEBSITES." "DO YOU LOVE THE INTERNET," "BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO ON IT?" "TRY WEBSITES!" "[cheers and applause]" " ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, WELCOME TO THE STAGE" "NICK KROLL!" "[cheers and applause]" " ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR FEAR." "I AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE TONIGHT." "UH, I FEEL HONESTLY" "LIKE THIS IS LIKE MY SECOND BAR MITZVAH." "AND I'M HOPING THAT THIS ENDS" "WITH A HAND JOB FROM A 13-YEAR-OLD GIRL AS WELL." "UH, I CAN'T THANK YOU GUYS ENOUGH FOR COMING OUT," "AND I KNOW YOU WERE LOOKING FOR SOME COMEDY," "AND THERE WILL BE SOME, BUT--BUT I..." "I WAS AT THE DMV YESTERDAY," "AND THERE'S, LIKE, EVERY WALK OF LIFE IN THE DMV." "LIKE, IT FEELS KIND OF LIKE" "YOU'VE WALKED INTO THE STAR WARS BAR." "THERE'S, LIKE, FAT ASIAN KIDS ON LEASHES RUNNING AROUND." "SOME ALIEN PLAYING, LIKE, FOUR ELECTRIC CLARINETS" "AT THE SAME TIME." "¶ YANEK YAK YAK YANEK YAK YOW ¶" "MY FAVORITE PERSON I SAW THERE" "WAS THIS OLD BLACK WOMAN," "WHO WAS JUST TEACHING A BAG OF SUNFLOWER SEEDS A LESSON." "MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT THE DMV" "IS THAT I FEEL ENTIRELY COMFORTABLE FARTING THERE." "NO OTHER PUBLIC PLACE" "WOULD I TREAT WITH SUCH DISDAIN." "I WAS STANDING ON LINE," "AND I JUST CROP-DUSTED THE WHOLE AREA BEHIND ME." "LIKE THE NIGHT BEFORE," "I HAD EATEN, LIKE, A TUNA OREO PARMESAN." "AND THEN I HAD, LIKE, A BUNCH OF SHOTS OF RAIL VODKA." "I CAME HOME AND WAS LIKE," ""WHAT'S A NICE MIDNIGHT SNACK?" "BRISKET AND YOGURT."" "AND I WAKE UP LATE THE NEXT MORNING FOR WORK," "GRAB, LIKE, A HANDFUL OF ALMONDS," "LIKE, "THAT'S BREAKFAST,"" "AND THEN, NUT FARTS ALL DAY LONG." "AND SO I JUST GET ON LINE," "AND I JUST NAPALMED 'EM." "LIKE, A LITTLE VIETNAMESE GIRL" "COULD HAVE RUN OUT ON FIRE." "LIKE, IF A PHOTOGRAPHER HAD BEEN THERE," "HE WOULD HAVE WON A PULITZER." "DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?" "AND SO THE WOMAN BEHIND ME WAS LIKE," ""WELL, I NEVER."" "AND I WAS LIKE, "PAY YOUR PARKING TICKETS ON TIME?" "THAT'S WHY YOU GOTTA SMELL MY NUT FARTS!"" "OKAY." "I LOVE HIP-HOP." "I LOVE, LIKE, MID-'90s HIP-HOP," "LIKE TUPAC AND BIGGIE, RIGHT?" " WHOO!" " WHOO!" "GIVE IT UP FOR WHITE PEOPLE!" "DRIVES ME CRAZY THAT THOSE DUDES GOT KILLED," "AND WE NEVER FIGURED OUT WHO DID IT." "NOT FUNNY..." "YET." "JUST GIVE IT, LIKE, 30 SECONDS." "IT'S CRAZY TO ME THAT TUPAC AND BIGGIE GOT KILLED," "AND WE NEVER FIGURED OUT WHO DID IT." "AND I'M LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT," "WE'VE BEEN GOING AT IT THE WRONG WAY." "LIKE, WHO STOOD TO PROFIT THE MOST FROM THEIR DEATHS?" "AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZE" "THAT IT WAS THE AIRBRUSH PORTRAIT ARTISTS." "AND I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED" "IF THE HUGE DENIM JACKET INDUSTRY" "HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT AS WELL." " CLEAR A PATH!" "YOU OKAY?" " CAN I JUST HAVE A GLASS OF WHITE WINE?" " ACTUALLY, UH, ONCE THE SHOW STARTS," "WE DON'T SERVE ANYMORE ALCOHOL." " OH, CRAP." " WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?" " CAN WE AT LEAST HAVE TWO EMPTY MARTINI GLASSES?" "OR IS THAT ALSO ILLEGAL, DICK CHENEY?" " TOPICAL." " AND NOW A, UH, BOTTLE OF VODKA, PLEASE." " THIS IS A TV TAPING," "SO THERE ARE RULES ABOUT ALCOHOL." " ARE YOU JOKING ME?" "WE GOT WASTED AT THAT WEBSTER TV TAPING" "WE WENT TO." " FROM WHAT I REMEMBER, WEBSTER WAS A SHOW" "ABOUT A SMALL BLACK MAN" "WHO'S OWNED BY TWO REGULAR-SIZE WHITE PEOPLE." " HE WASN'T OWNED, YOU WEIRD LIBERAL RACIST." " WHOA!" " 'SCUSE ME." " WE ARE NOT RACISTS." "TELL HIM, GIL." " I STALKED PHYLICIA RASHAD FOR THREE MONTHS." " A JUDGE HAD TO GET INVOLVED." " SO..." " LOOK, YOU GUYS, I'M SORRY FOR GIVING YOU SUCH A HARD TIME." "IT'S JUST THAT I'M GOING THROUGH PROBLEMS WITH MY GIRL." " YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO THERE?" "THAT'S OKAY." "YOU NEED TO GET INTO SOME OF THAT GOOD DIRTY TALK." "YOU KNOW-- SHAKER, PLEASE." " OR YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO IS YOU SAY," ""OOH, TOUCH MY LITTLE JEWISH DANGLER" ""TILL IT GETS CHUBBY" "AND CRIES YOGURT."" " YEAH." " GEORGE, WHAT DO YOU SAY IN THE BEDROOM?" " NO ONE TALKS DURING THE ACT." "ALL RIGHT, VODKA IN." "NOW, IF YOU COULD JUST GET ME" "A COUPLE OF CANS OF TUNA FISH." " OBVIOUSLY." " UH, WE DON'T HAVE TUNA." " YOU DON'T HAVE TUNA?" " WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T HAVE TUNA FISH?" " I AM CARRYING." " WE'RE MAKING TUNA-TINI, BABY." " SOME PEOPLE KNOW IT AS A MARTUNA." " THE LESBIAN COMMUNITY" "KNOWS IT AS THE MARTUNA NAVRATILOVA." " THERE'S A FUNNY STORY ABOUT THIS DRINK." "I WAS HAVING LUNCH WITH DICK VAN PATTEN," "AND I TURNED TO DICK AT ONE POINT," "AND I SAID, "DICK, THERE'S TOO MUCH TUNA" ""IN YOUR TUNA-TINI," "BUT MY MARTUNA NEEDS MORE TUNA,"" "AND WE LAUGHED OVER IT." " AND I THEN SUBMITTED THAT" "TO THE "TALK OF THE TOWN" IN NEW YORKER MAGAZINE." " AND THEY CANCELLED OUR SUBSCRIPTIONS." " SO..." " SO..." "LET'S ADD A LITTLE VODIKA" "TO THIS." " TO THE NICK KROLL COMEDY SPECIAL..." "NOT." " [laughs] LIKE DWAYNE'S WORLD." " MMM." " YOU KNOW WHAT?" "both:" "YOU CAN REALLY TASTE THE TUNA." " THANK YOU FOR THE HOSPITALITY." " UH, BEFORE YOU GO," "CAN I HAVE MY SHAKER BACK?" " WHAT'S THAT?" " SOMEBODY TOOK MY SHAKER." " WHAT'D YOU SAY, POITIER?" " LET'S SEE YOUR BAGS." " ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT." "THIS IS A, UH, BUTT PRODUCT FOR HEALTH." " UH, THIS IS THE HOT NEW THING," "WHICH IS "WARKMAN."" " OH, YEAH, THIS IS DOG GIAMATTI." "IT'S A DOG NAMED AFTER PAUL GIAMATTI," "'CAUSE IT'S ALWAYS CRYING." "THIS GUY CALLED ME UP ONE NIGHT," "AND I THOUGHT IT WAS A HEAVY BREATHER," "SO I J'D," "AND THEN AFTERWARDS, I SAID," ""YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A PUG,"" "AND IT WAS." " YOU HAVE MY SHAKER!" " WHAT THE..." " OH, IT FELL IN THERE BY ACCIDENT." " OH, THIS WAS THIS." " OH, AND I'VE GOT A LITTLE, UH," "STASH OF, UH, NOSE CANDY." "WHERE COULD TWO GUYS GO AND DO A LITTLE COCAINE?" " UH, OUTSIDE?" " OKAY, SO THE BATHROOM?" " WE WILL SEE YOU AROUND, JACK." " UH, I PREFER NOT TO." " OKAY." "ALL RIGHT, WHOOPI." "WE'LL SEE YOU IN A BIT, BUDDY." " WHOOPI?" " YOU KNOW, I WANT TO HAVE KIDS ONE DAY." "AND BESIDES THE FACT THAT HAVING A CHILD" "MEANS THAT YOU'RE CONSTANTLY SAVING SOMETHING'S LIFE," "WHAT KIND OF SCARES ME" "IS THAT I'M GONNA HAVE TO EXPLAIN CERTAIN THINGS TO HIM," "LIKE HOW THE HOLOCAUST HAPPENED," "OR, LIKE, WHAT 9/11 WAS," "OR WHO EXACTLY MICHAEL JACKSON WAS." "AND BEFORE YOU GET YOUR PANTIES ALL IN A BUNCH ABOUT IT," "LET'S JUST REMEMBER THAT BEFORE MICHAEL DIED," "ALL WE DID WAS MAKE FUN OF HIM." "AND JUST BECAUSE HE'S DEAD" "DOES NOT MEAN HE WASN'T HILARIOUS." "SO CAN WE ALL GET ONBOARD WITH THIS?" "WONDERFUL." "[cheers and applause]" "SO I'M GONNA HAVE A KID, AND THE KID'S GONNA BE LIKE," ""DADDY, WHO WAS MICHAEL JACKSON?"" "BE LIKE, "OH, HE WAS THIS AMAZING MUSICIAN" "AND DANCER AND SINGER."" ""WELL, WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?"" ""UH..."" ""WELL, WHEN HE WAS A LITTLE BOY," ""HE WAS THIS REALLY HANDSOME LITTLE BLACK KID" "WITH VERY KIND EYES AND A VERY SWEET SMILE."" ""WHAT ABOUT IN HIS TWENTIES?"" ""IN HIS TWENTIES," "MICHAEL LOOKED KIND OF LIKE THE JAZZY LIZARD KING."" ""WHAT ABOUT WHEN HE WAS OLDER?" "YOU CAN GIVE ME VARIOUS EXAMPLES."" ""THAT'S [bleep] COOL OF YOU." "IS IT WEIRD THAT I SWEAR IN FRONT OF YOU?"" ""I ONLY SEE YOU, LIKE, ONCE A MONTH."" ""IT'S 'CAUSE YOUR MOM'S A BITCH."" ""WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?"" ""ALL RIGHT, UM..." ""HE LOOKED KIND OF LIKE A..." "LIKE A SQUIRREL SKELETON WITH FRIGHTENED EYES."" ""DID HE HAVE ANY FRIENDS?"" ""YEAH, HE WAS GOOD FRIENDS WITH A MONKEY FOR A WHILE."" ""THAT SEEMS LIKE A RED FLAG."" ""I KNOW, WE DIDN'T SEE IT." ""I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU." ""WE DIDN'T SEE IT." ""HE WAS GOOD FRIENDS WITH MAGIC JOHNSON." "HE PUT HIM IN A MUSIC VIDEO."" ""WHO WAS MAGIC JOHNSON?"" ""HE WAS A BASKETBALL PLAYER."" ""WAS THERE ANYTHING ELSE THAT WAS INTERESTING ABOUT HIM?"" ""UH..." ""WELL, MAGIC WAS HIV-POSITIVE," ""BUT HE FOUND A COCKTAIL OF DRUGS THAT WORKED FOR HIM," ""HE LIVED FOR A LONG, LONG TIME," "AND, EVENTUALLY, HE DIED OF OLD AIDS."" ""DID MICHAEL HAVE A FAMILY?"" ""YEP." "YES, HE DID." ""UH, HE HAD A BUNCH OF BROTHERS," "AND THEY ALL LOOKED LIKE SHINY CARL LEWIS."" ""WHAT DID HIS DADDY LOOK LIKE?"" ""HIS DAD..." ""WHO I LEARNED MOST OF MY PARENTING SKILLS FROM," ""LOOKED KIND OF LIKE" "IF A CALIFORNIA RAISIN [bleep]ED THE DEVIL."" " OH, HELLO." "DO YOU DIG ME?" " OH, I'M SORRY." "I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM." " OH, YOU'RE VERY MUCH IN THE CORRECT PLACE." "THIS IS THE WOMAN'S BATHROOM." "I'M THE WOMAN'S BATHROOM ATTENDANT." "MY NAME IS BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE." " OH." "YOU'RE THAT SECURITY GUARD FROM THE STAGE." " I'M LIKE A JACK OF ALL CARDS, THOUGH." "I DO, LIKE, BATHROOM ATTENDANCE AS WELL." " OKAY, WELL, UM, I HAVE A HEADACHE," "AND I WAS HOPING THAT YOU GUYS HAD SOME ASPIRIN." " OH, OKAY." "I CAN GET RID OF YOUR HEADACHE." " I REALLY JUST NEED AN ASPIRIN." " OH, YEAH, I MEAN, I GOT, LIKE, SELF-TANNER." " NO, THAT IS WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS." " OH, I HAVE A SOLUTION." "COLOGNE?" " NO, THAT'S NOT GONNA HELP ME WITH MY HEADACHE." " OKAY, WHAT ABOUT STEROIDS FOR YOUR HEADACHE?" " OH, MY GOD!" " WHAT?" " NO." "NO!" "PUT THAT-- I AM NOT." "NO, I'M NOT INTERESTED." " OH, OKAY." "THIS IS FOR FRESH BREATH FOR KISSES." " CLOSER, BUT I DON'T-- OKAY, NO, NO, NO." "I FEEL TRAPPED, BECAUSE I DO HAVE TO USE THE BATHROOM," "SO I HAVE TO INTERACT WITH YOU." "I FIND YOU REPULSIVE." " THANK YOU." "I LOVE YOU." "HA HA." "[loud sniffing]" " OH, MY GOD." "both:" "OHH!" "HELLOOO." " WE'RE JUST DOING A LITTLE KEY BUMP OF COCAINE." " SWEETHEART, YOU WANT TO DO A LITTLE KISS OF COCAINE?" " HEY, LET ME ASK YOU ANOTHER QUESTION." "ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE PROSTITUTES" "WE HEARD ABOUT ON 20/20?" " A WHAT?" " AND "B," IF SO," "DO YOU ACCEPT DISCOVER CARD?" " AND "C," DO YOU ACCEPT" "EXPIRED DINERS CLUB CARD?" " OKAY, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS ARE DOING IN HERE." "THIS IS THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM." " 'CAUSE WE CLOGGED THE MEN'S TOILET" "WITH HUMMUS [bleep]S." " IT LOOKS LIKE JONESTOWN IN THERE." " SWEETHEART, COME BACK." "WE WANTED TO TELL YOU SECRETS WITH OUR GENITALIA." " MINE LOOKS LIKE A BUNCH OF GRAY FLAPS." "[toilet flushes]" " I LOVE COMEDY MORE THAN ANYTHING," "AND I'M LUCKY THAT I GET TO DO IT," "BECAUSE I'M REALLY NOT CAPABLE OF DOING ANYTHING ELSE." "LIKE, I--I REMEMBER I USED TO GO ON JOB INTERVIEWS," "AND I WOULD GET SO PANICKY," "AND THEY'D THROW SO MANY CURVEBALLS AT YOU." "LIKE I REMEMBER THIS ONE INTERVIEW, THE GUY WAS LIKE," ""SO, NICK, WHAT'S YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS?"" "AND I WAS BEING INTERVIEWED BY TIM GUNN FROM PROJECT RUNWAY." "I JUST PANICKED." "I WAS JUST LIKE," ""UMMM!" "I GUESS MY GREATEST WEAKNESS IS THAT I HAVE NO STRENGTHS."" "[panting, sighs]" "BUT I DO BELIEVE YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS," "AND, UH, THAT'S WHY" "I ACTUALLY KEEP A DREAMCATCHER ABOVE MY BED." "BUT THEN, LIKE, JUST TO BE FAIR," "I KEEP A PICTURE OF MY DAD NEXT TO IT," "SO THAT I CAN HAVE A DREAMCRUSHER THERE AS WELL." "DOING COMEDY, I, UH..." "I TRAVEL A LOT." "I'M IN AIRPORTS CONSTANTLY." "WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND GOING TO THE AIRPORT" "IS I'VE SEEN, LIKE, A CRAZY GROWTH" "IN THE AMOUNT OF SHOPPING THAT HAPPENS AT AIRPORTS," "OR THE AMOUNT OF STORES THAT ARE IN AIRPORTS." "LIKE, WHO'S MAKING BIG-TICKET PURCHASES" "AT THE AIRPORTS?" "LIKE, WHO SPECIFICALLY" "IS BUYING A SUITCASE AT THE AIRPORT?" "'CAUSE THEY'RE SELLING A CRAP-TON OF THEM THERE." "LIKE, WHO'S ROLLING UP TO THE AIRPORT LIKE," ""WHAT DID I FORGET?" ""UH, DROPPED A SOCK." "HOLD ON A SECOND." ""GOT MY CELL PHONE CHARGER." ""WHAT DID--OH, DROPPED THAT SAME SOCK AGAIN." ""ALL RIGHT, THERE WE GO." "OH, THAT'S RIGHT!" "A SUITCASE!"" "[panting]" "BUT ALL OF THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND." "I DON'T UNDERSTAND IF YOU GO TO THE MAGAZINE SHOP" "AT THE AIRPORT, YOUR HUDSON NEWS," "WHO IS BUYING PORNO MAGAZINES AT THE AIRPORT?" "'CAUSE THEY'RE SELLING THEM THERE" "IN A SECTION CALLED "MEN'S INTERESTS."" "WHO'S ROLLING UP AND IT'S LIKE," ""ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE, UM..."" "[pops lips]" ""LET ME GET A BAG OF TRAIL MIX" ""THAT I'LL EAT ONE HANDFUL OF" ""AND THEN KEEP IN MY BACKPACK FOR SIX WEEKS." ""HMM, BLACK POLES, WHITE HOLES LOOKS LIKE A GOOD MAGAZINE." ""AND A $23 BOTTLE OF DASANI WATER," "AND I'M READY TO GO."" "IF YOU'RE STILL USING PORNO MAGAZINES," "YOU'RE BASICALLY TELLING EVERYONE" "THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE INTERNET IS." "USING A PORNO MAGAZINE IS BEING LIKE," ""OH, I DON'T USE LUBRICANT WHEN I HAVE SEX." "I JUST USE THIS CUP OF SAND."" "AND THEN YOU GET ON THE PLANE WITH YOUR PORNO MAGAZINE?" "WHAT ARE YOU, LIKE, YOU'RE" "IT'S LIKE, "EXCUSE ME, STEWARDESS?" "I'M GONNA NEED A BLANKET, PLEASE."" "TRAVELING A LOT, I, UH..." "I DRUNK PACK." "DO WE ALL KNOW WHAT DRUNK PACKING IS?" "[cheers and applause]" "RIGHT?" "JUST LIKE YOU COME HOME, YOU'RE LIKE..." ""GONNA WATCH THIS EXTENZE INFOMERCIAL ON 'SILENT.'"" ""POUR MYSELF A CUP OF WATER," "AND THEN FORGET ABOUT IT ON THIS TABLE."" ""AND NOW IT IS TIME TO PACK" "FOR MY FIVE-DAY TRIP TO JAMAICA."" ""WHAT DO I NEED FOR FIVE DAYS IN JAMAICA?" "ONE UNDERWEARS."" ""SIX BOW TIES."" "[laughing] [long squealing laugh]" ""I'M GONNA BRING THIS BULKY SANTA SUIT" "WITH ME TO JAMAICA!"" ""IT'S GONNA BE SO HOT IN JAMAICA." ""BIRCHMAN'S GONNA BE LIKE," ""'DUDE, WHY DID YOU BRING A SANTA SUIT?" "'" ""AND THEM I'M GONNA BE LIKE," ""'DUDE, WHY DID YOU TOUCH YOUR DOG'S DICK" "WHEN WE WERE KIDS?" "'"" ""I'M GONNA BRING SOME WEED," ""'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE GONNA HAVE" "ANY WEED IN JAMAICA."" ""WHAT'S THIS?" ""PICTURES FROM SEVENTH GRADE?"" ""I SHOULD PROBABLY LOOK AT THESE FOR 45 MINUTES."" ""WHAT HAPPENED TO JEN RIESER?" ""¶ DUH DUH DUH!" "¶" "FACEBOOK DETECTIVE."" ""WHOA..." ""PSSH!" "WHAT'S UP, JEN?" ""I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER YOU." ""DO YOU REMEMBER ME?" ""ANYWAY, I SEE YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP." ""THINGS ARE GOOD FOR ME." ""I'M SO SORRY I SAID" ""THAT YOU PUT TAMPONS IN YOUR BUTT." ""AWW, I NEVER FORGOT YOU." "I LOVE YOU." ""I KILLED MY LITTLE BROTHER." "SEND."" ""NOW I'M GETTING SLEEPY."" ""GONNA TURN MY CELL PHONE ALARM CLOCK ON 'SILENT.'"" ""OH, I GOTTA FIGURE OUT WHAT I'M GONNA PACK IN." "AH, I'LL JUST GET A SUITCASE AT THE AIRPORT."" "[cheers and applause]" " TONIGHT'S SHOW IS SPONSORED BY THE SHOILET." "THAT'S A SHOWER AND TOILET IN ONE." "DO YOU WANT TO USE THE SHOWER IN THE MORNING," "BUT YOU ALSO NEED TO USE THE TOILET?" "LET'S DO IT IN ONE." "OKAY!" "IT'S GRINGO TECHNOLOGY." "ECO-CONSCIOUS." "USE A SHOILET!" "TAKE A [bleep] IN THE SHOWER!" " AND WE'RE BACK FROM COMMERCIAL." "YO SOY EL CHUPACABRA!" "KOO KOO RIKOO!" "KOO KOO RIKOO!" "AND I AM SIMULCASTING" "NICK KROLL'S THANK YOU VERY COOL" "AQUI EN [echoing] NUEVE UNO UNO PUNTO NUEVE" "DOT COM!" "AND I'M HERE WITH A BABY!" "QUE PASA, BABY?" "QUE PASA, BABY?" ""SOY UN BEBE!"" "THAT'S WHAT I SAID, YOU'RE A BABY!" "AND I'M HERE WITH AN OLD MAN." "QUE PASA, OLD MAN?" ""HEY THERE." "YO SOY MUY VIEJO."" "YEAH, YOU'RE REALLY OLD, YOU OLD MAN." "AND WHAT IS MY THIRD GUEST?" ""YO SOY UN GOAT."" "OH!" "HELLO, GOAT!" "KOO KOO RIKOO!" "KOO KOO RIKOO!" "HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY?" ""I'M VERY HUNGRY." "TENGO HAMBRE."" "OH, YOU'RE HUNGRY, GOAT?" "WHAT WOULD YOU EAT IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING?" ""GARBAGE."" "THAT'S RIGHT, YOU STUPID GOAT." "I WILL SUCK YOUR BLOOD!" ""NO!" "DON'T SUCK MY BLOOD!"" "[imitating baby crying]" ""GOO GOO GWAH."" ""HE DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU ARGUE."" "OH, YOU'RE TALKING TO ME, OLD MAN?" "I FIGHT YOU WITH MY FISTS!" ""NO, DON'T FIGHT WITH THE FISTS."" ""GOO GOO GWAH!"" "EVERYBODY BE QUIET!" "WE HAVE TO GET BACK TO THE SHOW." ""WHAT'S THE SHOW?"" "I DON'T KNOW." "IT'S SOME GRINGO NAMED NICK KROLL." ""WHO IS HE?"" "[mutters]" ""HE DOES LOTS OF CHARACTERS."" "OH, SO YOU KNOW" "ABOUT ALTERNATIVE COMEDY, OLD MAN?" ""SI." "I VISIT WEBSITES."" "HEY, GOAT, YOU STUPID GOAT," "IT'S TIME TO DO THE TRAFFIC REPORT." "[bleats]" ""AY, MUCHO TRAFICO."" "OKAY, THANK YOU FOR THE TRAFFIC REPORT." "[maracas shaking, horns beep]" "IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE JOKE OF THE DAY," "THE JOKE OF THE DAY!" "THE JOKE OF THE DAY!" "WHAT IS WORSE THAN FINDING A WORM IN YOUR APPLE?" "AIDS." "AIDS IS WORSE." "IT'S A DEBILITATING VIRUS!" "[canned laughter and applause]" "I DO FIND DATING SO DIFFICULT TO DO WELL," "AND, LIKE..." "MY FRIEND ONE TIME WAS LIKE," ""YOU SHOULD, LIKE, BE CASUAL." "JUST, LIKE, GO ON A COFFEE DATE."" "I'M LIKE, WHO GOES ON COFFEE DATES?" "HAS ANYONE HERE EVER BEEN ON A COFFEE DATE BEFORE?" "IT SEEMS LIKE THE WORST IDEA." "IT'S LIKE, "GO ON A COFFEE DATE."" "OH, YEAH, 'CAUSE MY BEST FOOT FORWARD" "IS JITTERY WITH DIARRHEA AND COFFEE BREATH." "FOR THE SAKE OF THIS NEXT JOKE," "LIKE, I'M NOT GREAT AT SEX, AND..." "LIKE, ON A SCALE OF ONE TO PRINCE," "ONE BEING THE WORST" "AND FOR SOME REASON IN MY MIND," "PRINCE IS THE BEST PERSON IN THE WORLD AT SEX." "AND I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S, LIKE, THE PERIWINKLE EYE SHADOW," "OR, LIKE, THE VELOUR ONESIES." "BUT I PICTURE PRINCE LIKE THIS TINY HUMMINGBIRD" "WHO JUST COMES UP AND JUST SORT OF LIKE [bleep] YOU FOR, LIKE, TWO HOURS," "AND YOU'RE JUST LIKE, [crying] "THANK YOU, PRINCE!" "THANK YOU!"" "AND HE'S JUST LIKE..." ""YOU'RE WELCOME."" "SO ON THAT SCALE OF ONE TO PRINCE," "I WOULD SAY I'M LIKE JIM BELUSHI." "BY ROUND OF APPLAUSE," "WHO HERE THINKS" "THAT WE SHOULD CHANGE THE NAME OF THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY" "TO THE DIARRHEA REFINERY?" "[applause]" "GOOD ENOUGH." "I DRIVE BY THAT PLACE," "AND I'M LIKE, "OOF." ""OOF MAGOOF." "SHOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THE TUNA OREO PARMESAN."" "AND I JUST WANT TO ADDRESS" "THAT I KNOW THAT I TALK ABOUT FARTING" "AND POOPING AND DIARRHEA A LOT." "AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW I DO IT" "'CAUSE I THINK IT'S SO FUNNY." "EVEN MORE THAN TALKING ABOUT DIARRHEA," "I LIKE TO GOOGLE THE WORD DIARRHEA," "BUT THEN SPELL IT WRONG," "'CAUSE THEN GOOGLE HAS TO BE LIKE, "DID YOU MEAN DIARRHEA?"" "AND THEN I'M JUST LIKE, "GOOGLE, GROW UP!"" " WHY DOES HE HAVE A SPECIAL?" "THERE'S NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT HIM!" "I'M THE ARTIST!" "YOU KNOW WHAT THIS AUDIENCE NEEDS" "IS A LITTLE FABRICE FABRICE." "[feedback whistles]" " YO, GIVE ME THAT MICROPHONE." "I'M TAKING THE STAGE." "AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN," "PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE FABRICE FABRICE." "[upbeat electronic music]" "¶ ¶" " THIS IS EATING TIME OUT OF MY SPECIAL." " OH, HELLO, YOU [bleep] ASS BITCHES!" "MY NAME IS FABRICE FABRICE," "THE BEAST FROM THE EAST." "THE NAME SO NICE," "YOU HAVE TO SAY IT" "AGAIN." "AND I'M THE CATERER HERE" "AT THE NICK KROLL THANK YOU VERY COOL SPECIAL." "YEAH, IT'S FUN." "NICK SAID, "OH, IF YOU WANT TO GO ON STAGE," "YOU CAN GO UP THERE."" "I SAID, "I'M NOT GONNA AX YOU TO GO ON STAGE!" "I'M GON' TAKE THE STAGE."" "AND HE SAID, "OKAY." I SAID, "ALL RIGHT!"" "HE SAID, "FAIR ENOUGH." I SAID, "VERY GOOD."" "HE SAID, "COOL." AND I SAID, "YOU'RE JEWISH."" "AND HE SAID, "THAT'S TRUE,"" "SO THAT WAS THAT SCENARIO." "I HAVE ALSO WORKED AT A NUMBER OF AWARDS CEREMONIES." "BUT HERE'S MY PROBLEM, OKAY?" "EVERY YEAR, THERE'S SOME ACTOR" "WHO GETS NOMINATED FOR PLAYING A RETARDED PERSON." "NOW, I AM NOT ALLOWED TO SAY "RETARDED" ON TV," "SO WHAT I'M GONNA SAY IS A FRITTATA PERSON." "THERE'S NOT A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CELEBRITIES" "AND FRITTATAS." "THEY BOTH GET DRIVEN EVERYWHERE," "PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS AXING WHO DRESSED THEM," "AND IF YOU MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THEM," "THEY [bleep] FLIP OUT AT YOU." "NOW, MY ONE TRUE PASSION IN LIFE," "THE ONE THING THAT I LOVE," "THE ONE THING THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY," "THE ONE THING THAT BRINGS ME HOPE AND JOY" "IS SPOKEN-WORD POETRY." "SLAM POETRY-- THAT IS GOOD STUFF." "IT IS HARD TO DO." "IT'S LIKE RAPPING, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO RHYME." "SO I'M GONNA DO A SPOKEN-WORD POEM FOR YOU" "RIGHT ON THE SPOT." "ALL I NEED IS A SUGGESTION" "OF A TYPE OF FOOD FROM YOU, THE AUDIENCE, OKAY?" " TROUT." " SPAGHETTI!" " TWINKIES." " I HEARD TROUT, I HEARD TWINKIES." " MASHED POTATOES." " MASHED POTATOES." " SPAGHETTI!" " [laughs] SPAGHETTI!" "THAT GUY SAID THAT WORD FUNNY." "OOOH!" "I EAT FOOD." "I EAT TROUT AND MASHED POTATOES" "AND SPAGHETTI AND TWINKIES." "I LOVE FOOD." "FOOD IS SEXY TO ME." "BUT YOU DON'T CONTROL MY BODY!" "I'M GONNA HAVE AN ABORTION." "BUT YOU TRY TO CHOP ME DOWN AT MY KNEES." "YOU TRY TO TAKE WHO I AM" "AND WHAT I BELIEVE IN, AND MY FEELINGS," "AND MY FEELMOTIONS, AND MY EMOTINGS," "WHICH ARE THE FEELINGS IN MY MOLARS." "CHOP CHOP" "ON INSECURITY." "CHOP CHOP" "ON CELERY," "WHICH HAS" "NO CARBS." "WHAT I KNOW IS THAT ONE IN EVERY TEN BLACK MEN" "IN AMERICA IS IN JAIL." "I KNOW THAT THREE OUT OF EVERY FIVE ASIAN WOMEN" "IS IN JAIL." "AND YET WE MOVE SLOWLY LIKE SNAILS." "ESCARGOT GET YOURSELF A CONSCIENCE." "AND WHERE ARE YOU?" "YOU'RE AT THE OLIVE GARDEN." "WHAT CAN YOU EAT AT THE OLIVE GARDEN?" "TROUT." "WHAT CAN YOU EAT AT THE OLIVE GARDEN?" "SPAGHETTI." "ALL I KNOW IS THAT WHEN I'M AT THE OLIVE GARDEN," "I'M FAMILY," "WHICH MEANS THAT I BORROWED $10,000 FROM THE WAITER" "AND NEVER PAID HIM BACK." "BUT ALL YOU DO IS SMOKE YOUR DRUGS" "AND YOUR TROUTS," "AND YOU THINK TO YOURSELF," ""WHAT DO I HAVE?" "I HAVE DOUBTS." "WHAT'S INSIDE OF ME, A CREAM FILLING?"" "NO, YOU MOTHER[bleep] TWINKIE," "IT'S NOT A CREAM FEELING." "IT'S A CREAM FILLING." "THAT'S ONE BIG TWINKIE." "THAT'S FROM THE MOVIE GHOSTBUSTERS!" "[cheers and applause]" "WHEN WE SIT DOWN FOR OUR LAST SUPPER," "AND WE SEE ALL THE PLATES IN FRONT OF US," "MAYBE HAVE A LITTLE TROUT," "MAYBE HAVE SOME MASHED POTATOES." "AND YOU KNOW WHAT GOES GOOD WITH BOTH OF THOSE?" "FRIED CHICKEN." "YOU KNOW WHO LOVES FRIED CHICKEN?" "BLACK PEOPLE." "YOU KNOW WHO ELSE LOVES FRIED CHICKEN?" "EVERYBODY." "THAT [bleep] IS DELICIOUS FOOD." "[cheers and applause]" "THANK YOU!" "END OF MY POEM!" "MAKE IT!" "MAKE IT!" "MAKE IT!" " TONIGHT'S SHOW IS NOT SPONSORED BY CATS!" "HEY, CATS, YOU'RE THE WORST!" "GO [bleep] YOURSELVES." "NO CATS!" " AY YI YI YI YA!" "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN," "PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE STAGE," "NICK KROLL!" "[cheers and applause]" " I REALLY WANT TO GET INTO IT TONIGHT, OKAY?" "SO, CATS OR DOGS, GUYS?" "all:" "DOGS!" " CATS?" "ANYBODY SAY CATS?" " WHOO!" " CATS?" "THE GIRL THAT LOOKS LIKE SHE LIKES CATS LIKES CATS?" "WELL, JUST SO YOU KNOW, UH, YOU'RE WRONG." "CATS ARE THE [bleep] WORST." "[cheers and applause]" "I HATE CATS." "THEY'RE SO COLD AND INDIFFERENT." "LIKE, A DOG WILL BRING YOU A NEWSPAPER," "ACCORDING TO CARTOONS THAT I WATCH." "CAT'LL BE LIKE," ""OH." ""OH, YOU WANTED A NEWSPAPER?" ""OH, I THOUGHT YOU WANTED THIS DECAPITATED RAT CARCASS." "OOPSIES."" "I HAVE NEVER SEEN A BLIND PERSON" "WITH A CAT BEFORE." "SEEN A WHOLE LOT OF DOGS WITH THEM." "BLIND PERSON'S LIKE, "HEY, DOG, LET'S GO THE LIBRARY."" "DOG'S LIKE, "YOU GOT IT!" ""I DON'T CARE THAT YOU'RE BLIND" ""AND YOU WANT TO GO TO THE LIBRARY?" "LET'S DO THIS!"" "IT'S LIKE, "HOW DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE LIBRARY IS?"" ""GOOGLE MAPS, BRO."" "CAT'S LIKE, "OH, YOU WANTED TO GO TO THE LIBRARY?" ""OH, I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO HANG OUT" "UNDER THIS RADIATOR FOR SIX HOURS."" "I WILL GIVE IT TO CATS THAT THEY'RE, LIKE, CLASSY." "THEY GO TO THE BATHROOM IN PRIVATE." "LIKE, I THINK THAT'S PRETTY COOL." "DOGS ARE JUST LIKE, "OHHH!" "WHY DO I GOTTA LOOK YOU IN THE EYES WHEN I DO THIS?"" ""WHY IS THAT PART OF IT?"" ""NOW I'M GONNA ARCH MY BACK!" ""SHAKE MY LEGS!" "SQUEEZE OUT THIS TOOTSIE ROLL!"" "IT'S LIKE YOU CAN'T TAKE A CAT ANYWHERE." "YOU CAN TAKE A DOG TO THE BEACH," "THROW A FRISBEE AROUND WITH HIM." "TAKE A CAT TO THE BEACH, CAT'S LIKE," ""UM, PARDON MEOW."" ""BUT BEFORE I DON'T GO INTO THE WATER," ""BECAUSE THAT'S GROSS," ""AND THE ONLY WAY TO CLEAN ONESELF" ""IS WITH ONE'S WEIRD SANDPAPER TONGUE," ""I WAS WONDERING, IS THERE A BABY ABOUT," "BECAUSE I WANT TO SCRATCH SOMETHING IN THE FACE."" "AND THEN THEY WALK AWAY LIKE THIS." "ALWAYS LIKE THAT." "ALWAYS WITH THEIR TAIL IN THE AIR." "LIKE THEY THINK THEY'RE ALL SEXY," "LIKE, "OHH!" "BET YOU WANT TO [bleep] THIS CAT ASS, DON'T YOU?"" "CAT'S ASSES LOOK LIKE PIZZA-FLAVORED COMBOS." "HOW IS IT THAT A CAT IS ONE-FOOT-TALL," "AND THEIR ASS IS ALWAYS AT EYE LEVEL?" ""OHH." "NOW I'M GONNA RUB MYSELF AGAINST THIS THING RIGHT HERE," ""JUST IN CASE SOMEBODY SHOWS UP SIX DAYS FROM NOW" ""WHO'S ALLERGIC" ""AND I'M NOT PERSONALLY HERE" "TO MAKE THEM ITCHY AS [bleep]."" "THE TAIL HAS EVOLVED, BY THE WAY, GUYS." "IT'S UP HERE NOW," "BUT IT USED TO BE SORT OF DOWN HERE." "I DO SORT OF A..." "LIKE THIS." "[groans]" "NOW IT'S LIKE-- USED TO BE LIKE THIS," "AND I'D BE LIKE," ""THAT LOOKS KIND OF LIKE A DUCKBILL PLATYPUS."" "AND MY BUDDY'S LIKE, "NO." ""THAT LOOKS MORE LIKE YOU'RE, LIKE," "HALFHEARTEDLY THWARTING AWAY A BUTT [bleep]."" ""COME ON, MAN."" ""QUIT IT." "I'M TRYING TO WATCH IDOL, MAN." "COME ON."" "ALL RIGHT, GUYS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH." "MY NAME IS NICK KROLL." "YOU GUYS ARE A WONDERFUL AUDIENCE." "THANK YOU, THANK YOU." " YAY!" " THANK YOU." "VERY COOL." "THANK YOU." "OH, HELLO." " WAH WAH WAH!" "WHAT A SHOW." "IT'S NOW TIME FOR CHUPACABRA TO SIGN OFF" "AND SAY GOOD NIGHT." "KOO KOO RIKOO!" "KOO KOO RIKOO!" " OH, MY GOD!" "NICE TO MEET YOU!" "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE?" "YOU'VE GROWN A BEARD" "AND THEN SHAVED IT" "TO CREATE THE CONCEPT OF A CHIN." "YOU LOOK LIKE A CUTE ROCKY." "THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING!" "KOO KOO RIKOO!"