" Coming for a drink in the board room?" " Thanks." "Ah, well, better enjoy it while the club's still here." " We've always survived." " it's different this time." "Tell him, Brian." "We've had a meeting of the finance committee." "Aston Wanderers will have to call in the Receiver!" " You mean bankrupt?" " The final whistle." "We need one-and-a-half million quid, Jim." "The government waste that every 30 seconds!" " Oh, I say!" " You know what people are saying?" "It's no good having a Cabinet Minister for an MP." "Better a local lad with time for his constituency." " That's absurd!" " Why?" "There are advantages if an MP's in the Cabinet." "We haven't noticed them, have we, Harry" " Such as?" " It reflects well on the constituency." "It's good to have powerful friends," "Influence in high places, a friend in need..." "Listen, friend, what we need Is one-and-a-half million quid!" "So will you use that influence to help us?" "Well, when I said influence, I meant the indefinable sort, the intangible, subtle benefit of an input into broad general policy at its early stages while keeping constituency interests in mind." "Do you mean no?" "Well, anything I can do in a broad, general sense to further the cause, I will certainly... er, do." "If I can." "But for a minister to pump one-and-a-half million into his local football club!" "He means no." "But there'd be lots of votes in it." "You'd be the hero of the constituency." ""Jim Hacker, the man who saved Aston Wanderers!" Safe seat for life!" "That might occur to the press." "And the opposition." "And the judge!" "If this club goes to the wall It'll be a disaster." "Look at our history!" "FA Cup winners, League Champions, first team into Europe." "I know all that, but be fair." "It's a local matter, not a ministerial one." "As chair of the Arts and Leisure Committee, can you help?" "Me?" "You're joking." "I spent half of yesterday trying to raise 711 quid to repoint the chimney on the art gallery." "That miserable place?" "Why not let it fall down?" "I'd love to, but if it fell on somebody, the Council's liable." "We own the bloody place!" "And we keep getting offers for the site." "Save fair Supermarkets were after it last month." "Hold on, how much were they offering?" "About two million quid, I think." "If you sold the art gallery, you could save the football club." " There'd have to be a planning enquiry." " Can we see it?" "We'll have to be quick." "They close at five." " Hideous, isn't it?" " it's a Grade II listed building." "Bernard, what is our political master up to with the Corn Exchange Art Gallery" " Oh, how did you find out about that?" " Not from you, Bernard." "An omission you may care to explain." " Surely it's just a constituency matter?" " Surely not." "Selling the gallery to Save fair Supermarkets and giving an interest-free loan to Aston Wanderers, he's acting as an MP not a minister." "It is the principle, Bernard." "Have you thought what the effect would be if this happens?" " He'd be very popular." " Exactly!" "Distressingly popular." "Hideously popular." "And then?" " The minister would be re-elected." " And that is not our top priority." "in this department, it makes little difference who the minister is." "But the point is, suppose other football clubs got into difficulties?" "And what about greyhound racing?" "Should dog tracks be subsidised as well as football clubs?" " Why not, if that's what the people want?" " Bernard... subsidy..." "Is for art, for culture." "It is not to be given to what the people want!" "It is for what the people don't want but ought to have!" "If they want something they'll pay for it themselves!" "No, we subsidise education, enlightenment, spiritual uplift." "Not the vulgar pastimes of ordinary people." "It's the thin end of the wedge." "It must be stopped!" " Ah, Minister." " Humphrey." "What's the matter now" "Minister, I thought you'd like early warning that there's a reshuffle in the offing." " You don't mean..." "You're not suggesting..." " No, no, no, Minister." "There is to be a departmental reorganisation." "A real reshuffle." " We may get extra responsibilities." " Do we want them?" "We want all responsibilities, Minister," "If they mean extra staff and bigger budgets." "It's the breadth of our responsibilities that makes us important, makes you important." "When you see vast buildings, huge staff and massive budgets, what do you conclude?" "Bureaucracy?" "No, Minister, you conclude that at the summit there are men of great stature and dignity who hold the world in their hands and tread the earth like princes." "Yes, I see." "So each new responsibility must be seized eagerly and each old one guarded jealously." "Entirely in your interests, of course, Minister." "Thank you for warning me, Humphrey." "Thank you, Minister." "Oh!" "By the way..." "About the Corn Exchange Art Gallery proposal." "What about it?" "It's the most imaginative scheme, novel idea, but I wonder if it might not be a little unwise?" "Why?" " A valuable civic amenity." " A monstrosity!" "A valuable civic monstrosity." "An important collection of British paintings." "Utterly unimportant." "Second-rate 18th-century portraits, third-rate 19th-century landscapes, modern paintings the Tate wouldn't even store." "But an important representative collection of unimportant paintings." "And a source of great spiritual uplift to passing citizenry." " They never go in!" " But they know it's there." "The curator says they average 11 visitors a day!" "It's a constituency matter." "Nothing to do with Whitehall." "What's your interest?" " A question of principle." " Principle?" "What you used to tell me politics was about." "What principle?" "The principle of taking money away from the arts and putting it into football." "A football club Is a commercial operation." "There's no cause for subsidy if it runs out of money." " Why not?" " Why not?" "Yes." "There's no difference between subsidising football and art." "Except more people are interested in football." "Our cultural heritage has to be preserved." "For whom?" "For people like you, you mean, the educated middle classes." "Why should others subsidise the pleasures of the middle-class few" "Theatre, opera, ballet!" "Subsidising art Is a middle-class rip-off." "Oh, Minister, how can you say such a thing?" "Subsidy is about education, preserving the pinnacles of our civilisation." "Or hadn't you noticed?" "Don't patronise me." "I believe in education." "I'm a graduate of the London School of Economics, remember." "I'm glad to learn that even the LSE Is not totally opposed to education." "Nothing wrong with subsidising sport." "Sport is educational." "We have sex education too." "Should we subsidise sex?" "Could we?" "Let us choose what we subsidise by the extent of popular demand." " Nothing wrong with that. it's democratic." " it's the thin end of the wedge!" "What would happen to the Royal Opera House, the very summit of our cultural achievement?" "Very good case in point." "What do they do?" "Mozart, Wagner, Verdi, Puccini." "Germans and Italians, not our culture." "Why should we subsidise the culture of the Axis powers?" "Our European partners, Minister!" "The Royal Opera House gets 9.5 million pounds of public money every year." "And for what?" "The public can't afford 30 seats and if it could there aren't enough of them." "The vast majority of the audience consists of big business executives block-booked by the banks and oil companies and multinationals and people like you." "The Royal Opera House Is the establishment at play." "Why should the working man pay for the gentry who can perfectly well afford their own seats?" "Minister, I'm quite frankly appalled." "This is savagery, barbarism." "That a Minister of the Crown should say such things," "It's the end of civilisation as we know it, as well as being a gross distortion of the truth." "Distortion?" "Art cannot survive without public subsidy." "Did Shakespeare get a subsidy?" "And films?" "Films are art and educational." "Why does the establishment Ignore their subsidy?" "Because people like you prefer opera." "We should subsidise relevant art like films that the man in the street can enjoy." "Precisely!" "They are commercial." "Now, excuse me, I have to go early." "I cannot continue with this appalling discussion." " Where are you gong?" " Nowhere." "Well, I'm sorry." "We must talk this through." "I can't." "I have to dress." "Dress?" "Where are you gong?" "Since you insist, I am gong to the Royal Opera House." "Are you really?" "Gala night, is it?" " Yes, it is, since you ask." " Lots of Permanent Secretaries gong?" "Some, no doubt." " Off you go, then." " Thank you." "I don't want to make you late for your works' outing!" "That's what it is, isn't it?" "What's on tonight?" "The Flying Dutchman." "Another of our European partners!" " GT, Ian?" " Thanks." "Two GTs, please, large ones." "And some of those smoked salmon sandwiches you have." "Thank you very much." " So, how's the environment?" " Bit smoky, isn't it?" "Oh, you mean my department?" "Chaos, as usual." "What, the Secretary of State Is trying to run it?" "I could cope with that." "One of the junior ministers Is trying to help him." "Oh, Lord." "Who?" " Giles Freeman, the Paril Sec." " Oh, Lord, him?" "Anyhow, what do you want to talk about?" "A planning enquiry." "Important we get the right result." "My planning inspectors are absolutely independent." " Absolutely." " No undue influence." "No, I wouldn't suggest it." "But if it's a question of giving certain informal guidelines..." " Putting the enquiry into perspective." " Yes, indeed." "Explaining the background to facilitate an appreciation of the issues and implications." " That would be quite proper." " Splendid." " Ah." " Thank you very much." "Er, right." "Thank you very much." "Cheers." "So what do you want me to fix?" "It's an art gallery in the West Midlands." "Proposed demolition of a Grade II listed building." "I'm sure we can arrange that." "Only too happy." "Splendid." "We're knocking them down all over the place." "No, no, the proposal has to be rejected." "Really?" "Why?" "If it goes through, they'll use the proceeds to save the local football club from bankruptcy." " Humphrey..." " I know." "If once you allow the principle of money being taken from the arts and given to ordinary people... to enjoy themselves!" " I agree." " Where will it end?" "Exactly." " Where did this appalling idea come from?" " My lord and master." "He's getting very het up over the sweaty masses." "Didn't you stop him?" "What were you thinking of?" "It's not me." "It's his constituency." "Apparently he put it to a group of councillors last Saturday and they jumped at it." "I've always said we shouldn't let him out at weekends!" "He only causes trouble." "You realise where this could lead?" "Today a Midlands art gallery goes to support the local football club, tomorrow the Royal Opera House grant goes to modernise Wembley Stadium." "My point exactly." "So I can trust you to keep an eye on the planning enquiry" " Well, I can't influence the inspector..." " 'Course not." "But I'll put someone on it who's overdue for promotion." "Good." "You'll give him a thorough briefing, won't you?" "Oh, I'm sure he will see the real issue." "Civilisation versus barbarism." "We can't have arts money gong to popular sport." "It's simply subsidising self-Indulgence." "Exactly." "Minister, before we go over today's diary, there's something I'd like to suggest, if I may be so bold." " Be as bold as you like." " Well, I feel, and I say this with respect, you shouldn't get too involved with this football club affair." "That is bold, isn't it?" "It's a constituency matter." "Better for me to be "bold" than you to be stumped, Minister!" "Very droll." "It's axiomatic in Whitehall that even an MP, let alone a minister, should never take part in a planning enquiry in his own constituency." " Why not?" " Because of finely-balanced local issues." "You'll offend as many constituents as you'll please." "It's especially dangerous if there's a quango in the wings." "No." "Issues aren't finely-balanced." "Everyone's on the same side, except a few wet, long-haired scruffy art lovers!" "We'll take a look at your diary for this morning." "Oh, fine." "10.15, Secretary General of the Arts Council, the biggest quango of all." "10.45, Historic Monuments Association, 11.00, The National Trust." "11.15, Country Landowners Association, 11.30, Council for Protection of Rural England..." " Rural England?" " There's quite a lot of it out there!" "Why are all these people coming to see me?" "The art gallery, Minister." "It's the arts and architecture mafia." "11.45, the Country Crafts and Folklore Council." "Who are they?" "The raffia mafia." "Influential people coming out of the woodwork." "There'll be letters in The Times, hostile articles in the Sundays, you'll be called a vandal." "They'll orchestrate opposition in your constituency." "Why did you put them in my diary" "I didn't ask you to." "What were you thinking?" "I was thinking of Sir Humphrey." "He asked me to." "I'm gong to support this excellent scheme, come what may." "As you will." "May I just have your approval for this local government allowances amendment?" "It's a statutory instrument to go before the House." "As Minister for Local Government, you need to authorise that revised paragraph 5," "Number 2 regulation 1971 shall come into operation on March 18th, revoking regulation 7 of the local government allowances amendment regulations 1954b." "What the hell's all that mean?" "There is an explanatory note." ""These regulations make provision for prescribing allowances payable to members of local authorities." "Explanatory note, regulation 3 of the local government allowances amendment 1971, the 1971 regulations, substituted a new regulation for regulation 3 of the 1954 regulations." "Regulation 3 of the local government allowances amendment regulations 1972, the 1972 regulations, further made amends regulation 3 of the 1954 regulations by increasing the maximum rates of attendance and financial loss allowances."" " I haven't the faintest..." " "Regulation 7, 1982, revoked both regulations 3 and 5 of the 1971 regulations, regulation 5 being a regulation revoking earlier spent regulations, with effect from 1st April next." "These regulations preserve regulations 3 and 5 of the 1971 regulations by revoking regulation 7 of the 1972 regulations."" "That's an explanatory note?" "Yes, I think that's all quite clear." "Why must I listen to this piddling gobbledegook?" "I thought it would be an opportune moment for you to ensure that as a result of your ministerial efforts, local councillors will get more for attending meetings." " Oh, is that what it means?" " Yes." "Excellent." "It is, as you say, opportune." "And may I make one further small suggestion?" "Be my guest." "Sir Humphrey had a word with Sir Ian Whitworth last night." " Ian Whitworth!" " The Corn Exchange is a listed building, so one of his planning inspectors will conduct the enquiry." "Sir Humphrey and Sir Ian will give him some informal guidelines." "How do you mean, "Informal guidelines"?" "Guidelines are perfectly proper." "Everyone has guidelines for their work." "I thought planning inspectors were impartial?" "Oh, really, Minister!" "So they are." "Railway trains are impartial too." "But if you lay down the lines for them, that's the way they go!" " But that's not fair!" " it's politics, Minister." "What has Sir Humphrey got to do with politics?" "He's a civil servant." "I'm the one in politics!" "Yes, Minister, indeed you are!" "How do they intend to put pressure on this planning inspector?" "Planning inspectors have an independent hierarchy." "A vulnerable one Is one anxious for promotion." "How are planning inspectors chosen for an enquiry" "Could a minister interfere?" " Ministers are our lords and masters." " Good." "The Paril Sec at the Department of the Environment" "Is an old friend, Giles Freeman." "Well, if Mr Freeman could arrange for an inspector who didn't care about promotion, lf, for instance, he's about to retire, he'll probably reach a verdict favouring the community rather than the department." "Good!" "Get me Giles on the phone, would you?" "His Private Secretary says he can meet you in the lobby after the vote this evening." "Bernard, have you ever thought of gong into politics?" " Oh, no, Minister." " Why not?" " I once looked it up in my thesaurus." " What did it say?" "Manipulation, intrigue, wire-pulling, evasion, graft, rabble-rousing..." "I'd prefer to leave that to our lords and masters." "I don't think I have the necessary qualities." "Don't underestimate yourself, Bernard!" "Now it seems Hacker has got at Giles Freeman, the Parli Sec in my department, who insisted on appointing a different planning inspector to the one I chose!" "One who'd be sympathetic to Hacker's scheme." " This is rather worrying." " Worrying?" "it's desperate!" "There's now every danger that the planning inspector could make up his own mind!" "There's likely to be huge local support for the scheme." "But how can I help?" "I hoped you'd have some ideas, Arnold." "Walt a minute!" "I've thought of something." "When the departmental reorganisation occurs next week... you could make Hacker Cabinet Minister responsible for the arts!" " But isn't he a complete philistine?" " Yes." "But then the industry Secretary Is the idlest man in town." "The Education Secretary is illiterate!" "The Employment Secretary Is unemployable!" "Quite." "That's good thinking, Humphrey." "Hacker can hardly start out as Cabinet Minister for the arts by closing down an art gallery." " Exactly." " But it's not a reshuffle, is it?" "No, I simply meant reorganise." "Move the arts and telecommunications into the purview of the DAA." "Arts and television together?" "What have they got to do with each other?" "They're complete opposites." "Wouldn't we be creating a monster department?" "You've already got local government as well." "Arts and local government go well together." "How so?" "Well, the art of jiggery-pokery!" "You only just thought of this here and now, did you?" " Yes, why?" " Bit of an artist yourself, aren't you?" "Oh, Arnold!" " Anything more, Bernard?" " Sir Humphrey wants a word before your meeting about Aston Wanderers." "But I'm unshakeable on that!" "It's no good, Humphrey, my mind is made up." "You might be interested in a new development, the government reshuffle." " You said it was just a reorganisation." " Not just a reorganisation." "A reorganisation." "I'm delighted to tell you that it has brought us, brought you, new honour and importance." "In addition to existing responsibilities, you will be Cabinet Minister responsible for the arts." "I say, that's rathergood, isn't it!" "Hold on, how do you know before I do?" "I just happened to be with the Cabinet Secretary shortly after the decision was taken." "I see." "Cabinet Minister with responsibility for the arts!" " Well, well, well!" " Yes, indeed." "Anything more?" "I'm about to start a meeting." "Oh, the meeting, yes." "I do hope you've considered the implications of your new appointment on the subject." " Rescuing a football club?" " No, no." "I was wondering how it would look" "If as Minister responsible for the arts, your first act was to knock down an art gallery." "It's quite a decent little art gallery..." " Exactly." " Interesting building." " Grade II listed." " Minister, your meeting..." "Oh, my God!" "What am I gong to say?" " Councillors Wilkinson, Noble and Green." " Brian, good to see you." "Pete..." "Doug." "Sir Humphrey Appleby, my Permanent Secretary." "You mean he's only a temp!" "It's gong great." "We've got all the political parties with us and the County Council." "All we need is your approval for using the sale of the art gallery as a loan to the club." "Well, I'm afraid there's a snag." " You said there weren't any!" " Well, there is." "Well, it's just that..." "Well..." "It appears..." "Well, it seems..." "Well, I should say it has emerged..." "Sir Humphrey can explain better than me." "It can't be done, gentlemen." "Er, the art gallery is... it's a trust." " Terms of the original bequest." " Yes, it's a trust." "We shall have to knock something else down!" "School, church, hospital..." "There's bound to be something!" "I can't believe this." "So I have to tell people back home you've gone back on your word?" " It was your own idea!" " it's not me, it's the law." "Why didn't you find out till now" "Well..." "Let me be absolutely frank with you." "The truth is, it would be possible to push this through, just possible," " but it would take an awful long time." " Ok, we've spent enough." "Trouble is, something else would have to go by the board." "The thing that's taking my time at the moment" "Is forcing through councillors' expenses and attendance allowances." "I can't put my personal weight behind both schemes." "I suppose I could forget about the increased allowances for councillors and concentrate on the legal obstacles, the sale of the art gallery." " Tricky things, legal obstacles." " This is a particularly tricky one." "At the end of the day, you might still fall." " Every possibility." " If that's the way it is... there's a chance we might want to close" "Edgehill primary at the end of the year..." "That site would fetch a couple of million, give or take." "Well, there it is, then." "No ill feelings to you." "Good." "And you'll explain locally that we can't overcome the legal obstacles?" "'Course we will." "Carry on with the good work!" "Oh, Minister, a work of art." " If you'll excuse me, I have to dress." " Another works' outing?" " Er, Humphrey..." " Minister?" "As Cabinet Minister responsible for the arts... could I come too?" "Yes, Minister!"