"Subs by Mothman" "Don't..." "Don't say anything." "But we have to..." "Hey, tiger!" "Look at you, up early." "Um, yeah, I just..." "I got this meeting..." "Great." "Oh!" "Happy birthday, buddy." "All right, I'm gonna get some breakfast." "Happy birthday." "I love you so much." "I want you to have a wonderful day." "No matter what happens." "Okay, Mom." "All right." " Good." " Okay." "Hey, the zombie's up before noon." "Hey, you're an idiot." "Kyle, did you wish your brother a happy birthday?" "The guy's twenty-one, lives with his parents... and wears an apron for a living." "There's no happy in that birthday, Dad." "Don't tease your brother, Kyle." "Two-alarm fire broke out last night... killing a family of four." "Do you know how embarrassing it is to be related to him?" "It's the fourth suspicious blaze in a week... and arson is again suspected." "Hey, was that an envelope from Stanford I saw yesterday?" "You heard from Stanford?" "It was a rejection letter." "Kyle, how's that possible?" "Sam didn't even go to college." " Yes, he did, Kyle." " For a month." "And we're very proud of him for trying." "It's just that college made him sleepy." "Morning, Mrs. O, Mr. O, birthday boy." "Hey, Kyle, guess what?" "Don't sweat Stanford, man." "Heard it's only the fourth-best university... in the U.S. Is that right?" "You suck!" "Hey, no shame in community college, K-Fed!" "I almost went." "So, big birthday plans, boys?" "No, nothin' too crazy." "Oh, come on, Sam." "You've gotta go out there and cut loose." "You're only this age once." "Come on." "I like your thinkin', Dad." "I say we all get in the car... go get some smack, kill a hooker in Vegas." "I mean..." "I meant patronize a hooker in Vegas." "I would never kill a hooker in Vegas." "I would never kill a hooker." "Dad, what the hell is goin' on?" "Nothing." "Nothing." "You just have a great day, Sam." "Okay?" "A great day." "What was that?" "Think they still do it?" "Yeah, they do it." "All I'm sayin' is you better prepare... for a little alcohol poisoning tonight, all right?" "Nothing hospital-grade, mind you." "You better wear some puke-resistant clothing." "We are gettin' silly tonight, my man." "We are going..." "To the Brickhouse, where we always go." "No." "Why..." "No, what do you think... that's all I would plan for your big two-one?" "No." "God." "Unless you wanna go." "That was weird, right?" " What?" " My parents." "Oh, Mom and Dad Oliver?" "They're always weird." "Maybe my brother is right." "I didn't exactly stick it out in college." "'Cause it made you sleepy." "Well, yeah, that's true, but..." "I mean, what did I do when I dropped out?" "I came right back here." "I've been here since I was sixteen." "Do we really wanna be here in five years?" " Yes." " Ten?" "Yes." "Because I am going to eventually... turn this into a topless Work Bench." "Would you rather buy insulation from somebody wearing clothes... or somebody wearing no clothes?" "Is that weird?" "You're looking at me like that's weird." "What?" "Holy crap, look at that." "Look at this dog, man." "This is the best dog ever." "Maybe you wanna get out on my side." "No, hold on, hold on, hold on." "That was good." "You want to know what you can change?" " No." " Yes." " No!" " Yes!" "Ask Andi out." "Ask her out tonight, man." "She's coming down." "Get her drunk, ask her to a movie." "The window is closed." "We're friends." "She just wants to be friends." "How do you even know that?" "You never even tried." "Yeah, I did, but then her dad died." "So?" "I mean, all right, yeah, that's sad, but so what?" "You don't do that." "You don't jump in after something like that." "You look like a dick." "That was two years ago, man." "She got over it." "She digs you, all right?" "Lookit, she's smart, she's hot, she goes to college." "She works at a crap shack like this... with losers like me and you." "What does that tell you?" "Just off the top of your head." "She's got low standards?" "Exactly." "Use that to your advantage... before she figures it out, all right?" "'Cause she will." "I'm tellin' you." "May I remind you... that they are separated by gender for a reason." "In the women's washroom, somebody left a massive..." "Mr. Oliver, Mr. Wysocki... nice of you to join us." "Only fifteen minutes late this time." "We are so honored." "Hey, Oliver." "Happy birthday." "Hey, thank you." "Yeah, you won't be thanking me tonight... when I'm hazing you like a sorority chick at your shindig." "Can you two zip it?" "I'm trying to hear Ted's important lecture." "Okay, as you can see... most of us are doing great in the sales contest... except for a select few... who think their time is better spent constructing beer bongs." "Oh, if you are referring to me, Ted the Head..." "I'm biding my time, okay, like a snake in the grass... ready to pounce." "Doesn't even make any sense, what you just said." "And don't forget that the winner receives... a free twenty-pound spiral-cut ham." "I'm Jewish, you jerk." "Or a gift certificate for our Semitic and/or Muslim friends." "So go get 'em." "Hey, I got you a present." "Andi, you didn't have to do that." "Hey, don't open it in front of me, okay?" "It gives me this, like, gift-giving anxiety." "Oh." "All right." "I hope your day off is tomorrow... because you're gonna be hurting." "No, no, my day off is Saturday." "What about you?" "Actually, my day off is Saturday, too." "Do you have any plans on Saturday?" "Your day off?" "Well, I'm gonna be sitting in the library... writing a huge Psych paper, being lame." "Right." "No, yeah, I've got plans also." "Sleeping, waking up, getting dressed..." "Xbox." "I need you to punch me in the face right now." "What do you think you're doing?" "I..." "I was..." "We don't pay you to watch television, Sam." "And your name tag's crooked." "I mean, this attitude thing, it's gotta stop, okay?" "Right." "This sales contest's for people like you, bud." "Right, hmm?" "It's not just about ham." "It's about self-respect." "Can't just keep skateboarding through life anymore." " Mm-hmm." " All right?" "That's not gonna cut it here at the Bench." "Okay?" "You are on notice, Sam." "Hey." "What was that?" "Ted says I'm on notice." "Well, so what?" "I live on notice." "What'd you do?" "I don't know." "I was just watching this show." "It was really scary." "Yeah, yeah, those things'll kill ya." "Holy croak!" "Oh, my G..." "Did anybody see that?" "Did anybody see that?" "Can I get..." "Will somebody say something?" "Oh, my God!" "That was wicked, man!" "It's like that thing where the baby... gets stuck under a car or a bus or whatever." "The mom gets all pumped up with adrenaline... and lifts it up over her head." "You Bruce Bannered that thing, man." "I didn't touch it." "What do you mean?" "I didn't touch it." "It was too far away." " I saw you..." " No!" "It was too far away!" "It's like I moved it with my mind or something." "And that's not the first time this has happened today." "Something is really..." "What the hell, man?" "!" "You were supposed to move that with your mind." "Oh, my God." "Sam, is this because of me?" "Sorry." "This is because of Sock." "Well, you saved my life." "You know that?" "I mean, you're like..." "Batman." "No, no, I'm definitely not Batman." "I just think it was one of those... weird adrenaline car-mom things, you know." "I don't know what that means." "Yeah, neither do I." "Okay." "Well, it was really brave, so thank you." "Yeah." "Uh, yeah." "Listen, Andi..." "look, I know you're busy on Saturday... but I was just thinkin' maybe you could..." "This is a bad idea." "What?" "Andi... go." "Okay." "Nice doggies." "Good, good doggies." "Whoa-Whoa-Whoa-Whoa-Whoa!" "Sock, I need help!" "Help!" "Help, Sock!" "Sock, buddy!" "Run, bitches!" "Run!" "Run, you beastly beasts!" "Tell Ted I'm sick." "I'm goin' home." "Did you like that in there?" "That thing with the air conditioner?" "You're like a hero now." "My gift to you." "Is this a carjacking?" "Are you carjacking me?" "For this?" "If it was an Escalade, maybe." "You can have the car." "I don't want the car." "You can have the car, just..." "Sam, I'm not a carjacker." "I'm the devil." "What?" "What?" "Your name tag's crooked." "Hey, are you okay?" "Want me to call an ambulance?" "Sir?" "Are you all right?" "Hey, Sammy." "Dad, what are you doing?" "Waitin' for you." "You okay?" "No." "I think..." "I think I might be goin' insane." "Bad day." "Let's see, um... got chased by a pack of dogs... moved an air conditioner with my mind... oh, and, uh, the devil tried to carjack me." "So overall... not a great day." "Sit down, Sam." "There's something I..." "I have to tell you." "I, uh..." "I probably should've told you this a long time ago." "Before you were born... your mom and I... sold your soul to the devil." "What?" "I was really, really sick... and he came to us and offered us a cure." "And in exchange... he would take the soul of our firstborn... when he turned twenty-one." "Your mom and I thought, "Okay, well, then, fine." ""We just won't have children."" "Because if there's no firstborn, then there's no soul to take." "About a year later..." "Dr. Burke told me that I was infertile... and we thought, "That's great, nothin' to worry about."" "Right." "Except that, uh, as it turns out... old Dr. Burke had a bit of a gambling problem... and the Devil paid off his debts, and, in exchange... the doc had to tell this one little lie." "Next thing you know, we're pregnant." "I'm so sorry, Sam." "I wish I could make you forgive me, but... how can you?" "Hey-hey, started without you, birthday boy." "But we're finishing with you... 'cause you're buying." "Drink up." "There was a cigarette butt in those." "I need to talk to you right now." "Come on, where you goin'?" "Don't you wanna hang out with us?" " Just give me two seconds." " All right." "Happy birthday, Sam-l-am." "Oh, hey, thanks." "Can I get a round of shots for these degenerates here?" "On me." "Ooh, look at me." "I'm the big district attorney office chick... buyin' all my friends with free booze." "Ooh, look at me." "I'm twenty-five years old... and I still live with my parents." "You know, I don't like you guys not makin' out and stuff." "What?" "You were so cute together." "You guys should've never broken up." "Actually, I had to, Andi... because I found out that she used to be a dude!" "I heard you used to be a dude, too." "Well, I heard that you had, one time..." "I don't have to go to the bathroom, Sam." "I know." "Something happened." "Wait, yeah, I do have to go to the bathroom." "Hold on." "I have a problem." "I have a serious problem." "Okay, go." "Dude, seriously... stop looking at my junk." "All right, all right, go." "My parents... sold my soul to the devil." "How drunk are you?" "Totally sober." "How drunk am I?" "Sock, the dogs, the air conditioner..." "I mean..." "I believe this." "You lucky bastard." "What?" "!" "Well, nothin' cool like that ever happens to me, man." "No, Sock, this isn't cool." "This sucks." "It does not suck." "What are you talkin' about?" "You wanted some change, right?" "Well, check it out, buddy." "Wish granted." "You're the magic devil guy with the kung fu mind grip now." " You gonna tell Andi?" " No!" "I'm not gonna tell Andi." "If she knows, she'll think I'm a freak." "She'll never go out with me." "You can make her go out with you, Damien." "All right, Sock, you know, I'm goin' home." "Just make some excuses." "Don't say anything, all right?" "All right." "Leave out the devil thing, right?" "Well, that's really nice." "Not too gay at all." "Hey, look, I get it." "It's a big deal." "You didn't choose it, not fair." "Nobody's blaming' you for freakin' out." "Yes, sir... chicken fried steak." "Oh, I'm so glad I don't have arteries." "Mmm." "Oh, do you want to try some?" "No." "Do I have to..." "Do I have to go to hell now?" "Now?" "No, no, no, no, no." "Not now." "You're gonna work for me here in the earthly realm." "Like kill people?" "Wow!" "You're a real pessimist." "Of course you won't be murdering anyone." "You're just gonna bring escaped souls back to hell." "You know, like a bounty hunter." "That's cool, right?" "You got any root beer?" "Wait a second." "So people can break out of hell?" "Yeah." "Yeah, that's a problem we've been having lately." "You know, with the overcrowding and so forth." "Honestly, we were underprepared for the influx." "I blame myself." "Mmm." "Oh, yeah." "But that's not your problem." "All you have to do is track down fugitives... and haul their asses over to a portal to hell." "Easy." "What do you mean by portal?" "Well, anyplace that seems like hell on earth... is hell on earth." "You know?" "Like the DMV on Union Street?" "Yeah, drop off a fugitive, renew your license." "I'm all about the perks." "Oh, my God." "Hey, kiddo, it's okay." "I've seen how this all ends." "Don't worry." "God wins." "And you'd be doing humanity a favor... by putting bad guys right back where they belong." "Well, what do I have to do?" "There's your fugitive." "He broke out of hell after fifty years for arson." "All these little fires that have been around town lately?" "He set them." "But he's a fireman." "Well, he is now, yes." "But when he was alive, he was a big-time firebug." "Can't you just taste the irony?" "No, this upright citizen belongs in hell." "Oh, gag." "Look at that tool." "Will you capture him already?" "You want me to kill him?" "What is this obsession with murder?" "The guy's already dead." "What do you want me to do?" "I mean, how am I supposed to capture him?" "This will help." "A vessel." "Handcrafted in the bowels of perdition... by the iniquitous and the vile." "Oh, I forgot." "You got 600 on your SATs, didn't you?" "No, I understand what it means." "I'm just..." "I'm not doing this, okay?" "I'm not gonna be your stupid bounty hunter." "You will do it... or I'll take your mother." "You refuse to work for me... her soul becomes forfeit." "It's the lady or the tiger, Sammy." "You think about it." "Tape hand." "Doesn't look evil." "What do you mean, it doesn't look evil?" "There's demon heads all over it." "Trust me, it's from the devil." "It's evil." "Sam, there's no such thing as the devil, all right?" "I mean, the guy was probably just some homeless person." "No, he wasn't homeless." "He had a suit on, okay?" "And he turned night into day... and what about the telekinesis thing?" "Tell him about the telekinesis thing." "What telekinesis thing?" "Still workin' on that one." "All right, cool." "Let's say you did meet Satan himself." "There's no way he owns you or whatever... because there's no way... another person can sell another person's soul." " Why not?" " Because all myths say..." "God granted humans free will." "There's no way you can give away... or sell another person's essence." "Blah-blah-blah-blah." "Just open it." "What?" "What?" "What is it?" "It's a Dirt Devil." "I take it back, Sam." "That's a really evil mini-vac." "No, no, the devil guy was... messin' with you." "And we sell those." "Aisle fifteen, I think." "That'll work." "What's the plan?" "Go over there, do the vacuum thing... and see how that all works out?" "I love this plan." "Let's do it." "What do you think?" "Three on one?" "Got this guy in the bag." "What does that mean?" " Yeah, now." "Now, Sam." " Sam, do the thing." " Do it." "Do it." " I'm tryin', but it's not..." "It's not working!" "Sam, do it now!" "Sam!" "Watch out!" "Ben's hurt!" "Oh, my face!" "Oh, my face!" "Okay, okay, do the thing!" "Go, Sam!" "Hey." "Where were you?" "Gift shop." "Ben would want eyebrows. and he would want us to give them to him." "Say yes." "We should do it." "Should've gone alone." "What?" "Hey." "Is Ben okay?" "Uh, how did you know?" "I called her." "What happened?" "Uh, we were working on a project." "What project?" "Um, making napalm." "What?" "It's hard to explain, Andi." "Okay, well, try." "I can't really." "I don't, you know..." "Sam, what aren't you telling me?" "It's complicated." "What did you do?" "I mean, is it your fault?" "Yes, Andi, it's my fault, okay." "I'm the loser who got Ben hurt, all right?" "Hey, don't beat yourself up over that, man." "You had to lie to her." "Look, she's got Ben covered." "I say you and I go and burn the fireman." "No, I'm goin' alone, all right?" "But I can help, right?" "What'd I just say?" "Stay away from me, all right?" "I'm goin' back to the firehouse and ending this." "Yeah." "What happened?" "I don't know." "There was this huge explosion." "This is David Thompson for Channel 63." "Come on, Mom." "Let's get you to bed." "I want to go instead." "You tell them to come for me." "Actually, it's over." "I just had to do one thing for the guy, and now I'm done." "Everything's back to normal." "You mean, your soul?" "All mine." "All right, so... you don't have to feel bad anymore." "You and Dad can just treat me... like I'm normal from now on, okay?" "Okay." "Okay." "All right." "I'm so happy." "Night, Mom." "Well, I love hockey." "Lots of aggression, tons of blood." "Wanna guess who my favorite team is?" "I can't do this." "I tried." "It's too hard." "My friend got hurt, I lost the fireman." "You have the wrong guy." "So you can just take me to hell or whatever, I don't care." "That's not the way things work, Sammy." "You're of no use to me down there." "Well, I'm not exactly kicking ass up here." "You should just find somebody else... before the guy kills more people." "You do this a lot, don't you?" " Do what?" " Give up." "Things get hard... little Sammy takes the path of least resistance." "Fine, fine." "I'm a failure." "I tell you what... before you throw in the towel... why don't you do some investigating first?" "Look for motivations." "I mean, why does the fireman do what he does?" "Who cares?" "Why burn down anything?" "He already did that when he was alive." "Exactly." "Why?" "Like I said..." "Hold on a minute." "No, no!" "Oh, don't feel bad." "He was a terrible person." "Drinker, wife-beater." "He didn't fulfill his contract, either." "But I think you're on the right track, Sammy." "I feel very good about this." "Word of caution..." "I don't accept failure... ever." "Sock!" "Hey, Sock!" "Sock!" "I'm an ass hat." "Yes, you are." "So we're cool?" "Yeah." "All right." "When do we throw down with fireboy?" "Let's take a walk." "If the devil doesn't wanna help you... then why do you care?" "Because people are dying, Sock." "But if you don't know them personally... does it really matter?" "All right, listen, you remember Ricky Schirmer?" " Oh, Ricky Schirmer?" " Yeah." "Yeah, from high school." "He set the gym on fire." "Like seven times." "He kept going back over and over." "I know, the guy was nuts." "I loved that guy." "I started drinkin' with him." "So I started thinkin', why did Ricky... keep burning down the same place?" "Because he was afraid of the gym showers." "No, no, because they kept rebuilding it." "Right." "But FYI, Ricky was totally afraid of the gym showers." "I think the fireman might be burning down... the same places he burned down fifty years ago." "We need to find out who he was when he was alive." " Yeah, all right." " Yeah, yeah." "We need access to records." "Cool." "Okay." "Criminal records." "You're evil." "I've heard." "I cannot believe you came to my work!" "I can't believe you never come to mine." "I mean, don't you ever need a battery or a Roomba?" "I need a restraining order." "What part of "I don't wanna see you anymore"... do you not understand?" "Listen, nobody's more proud than me... that you stopped having sex for money, Josie!" "I just wish you'd stop with all the shoplifting!" "All right, all right, all right." "Listen, you know those arsons around town?" "I think they're connected to fires fifty years ago." "We just need you to look up a name." "It's not illegal." "Probably not illegal." "I am a sworn officer of the court." "I took an oath to uphold the law." "That's funny." "Because ninety percent of the stuff we did... in the parking lot of this courthouse... is illegal in twelve states." "Oh, God." "Do you know what I would magnify with this thing?" "I'd make my ass my letterhead." "Maybe you could look up the addresses... and see if any of these places burned down before." "Last arson was the fire station in Bellevue." "Just please check." "If I'm wrong, we'll go." "You'll never see us again." "Hey, I'm not promising that." "For you." "Not for him." "Same station was set on fire in 1950... but the fire was put out before any real damage was done." "But who?" "Ned Schmecker." "He tried to burn down a school... his ex-girlfriend's... all unsuccessfully until the last one... when he died in a fire he set at his parents' house." "Probably killed himself because his name was Schmecker." "Sam, all the places that Schmecker burned down... they're the same places that the arsonist... burned down last week." "I think you're right about this." "Has every place been torched already?" "No." "The parents' house hasn't been touched." "But looks like it's not a house anymore." "It's an elementary school." "We gotta go." "We gotta get to the school right now." "One stop." "What?" "What stop?" "This time we're gonna be ready." "Yeah." "You look tasteful." "We're gonna get killed." "What?" "We're gonna get killed!" "Why?" "This thing still doesn't work." "Maybe we need to get some batteries for it." "No, it doesn't use batteries." "It uses a..." " recharger." " Recharger." "Is it ready?" "Sam!" "Is it ready?" "No." "Ned Schmecker!" "Meet the Schmecker-checkers!" "Nice." "I can't believe all of it worked." "Of course it worked!" "We're pimps!" "We are, aren't we?" "Look at how we're dressed." "We didn't need this." "No, wait." "Wait-wait, wait-wait." "So what, what do you use, free weights?" "You work out?" "What do you bench, like 240?" "Sam?" "Sam, are you doing this?" "Sam?" "Sam, you're doin' it!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Biatch!" "You are Neo!" "You're the one!" "Eat it, Heat Miser!" "Oh, I have never been so attracted to a man in my life." "That's not what I meant." "Um..." "Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam!" "I'm pretty sure I wet my pants." "The DMV?" "This is the portal?" "Hell on earth." "Right." "Which one do we go to?" "Right there." "Fugitive transfer?" "Uh, yes." "I think so." "Place the vessel on the mat." "Never seen one of these before." "Have a nice day." "Wait, um, so... they're not all little vacuums?" "The boss gives you the vessel he thinks you can handle." "You must be a real moron." "DMV!" "Have a nice day." "You're still mad?" "Yeah, of course you are." "I snapped at you like a jerk at the hospital." "Look, um..." "Andi, I'm really sorry, okay?" "And I understand if you don't wanna talk to me anymore... but I really hope you will... because my life would suck even more if we weren't friends." "Look, I know it was a horrible day." "It's all right." "All right." "I haven't wrecked it yet." " Oh, good." " Yeah." "What does the symbol mean?" "It says "bala."" "It's Sanskrit for strength." "I don't know, when I saw it, I thought of you." "And, by the way, I don't think you're a loser, Sam." "I like you." "I love working with you guys." "You know, ever since my dad died... my job is the best thing in my life is all I'm saying." "Pathetic, right?" "Nothing about you is pathetic, Andi." "Oh, that was such a tender moment." "For real." "Um, can I talk to you for a second?" "Just you?" " Sure." " Okay." "What is wrong with you?" "!" "She's adorable." "So sweet." "Stay away from her." "I swear to God..." "Swear to who?" "Like I play in the kiddie pool?" "Sam, I just wanted to congratulate you." "Great job with the arsonist." "You'll be happy to know he's right back where he belongs." "Gettin' his nuts burned off for eternity." "Now, who's the hero, huh?" " Yeah." " You're the hero, man." "Pat yourself on the back." "I have a present for you." "A vessel for the next fugitive." "So I have to do this forever?" "Well, yeah." "Well, I mean, technically not forever." "You're done when you die, right?" "Huh?" "Hey, come on, I just bought a bunch of crap... and gave you the sale." "For the contest." "You're gonna win that ham, man." "I was nice." "I can be nice." "Hi." "Good evening." "You know, I'm not really a ham guy... but this is pretty good." "That's 'cause it's a victory ham." "You sent a monster back to hell, buddy." " Yeah, I did." " That ham tastes better... because it's the spoils of victory." "Plus it's glazed." "You like that?" "Glazed." "Funny, right?" "No, it's just..." "It's like... my mom and dad sold my soul to the devil... and I'm his indentured servant." "How crazy is that?" "My dad forgot to pick me up... from a sleepaway camp for three days." "Hardly the same thing, Sock." "Camp was over, Sam." "How sad is that?" "Anyway, you can blow the whole thing off... if you want to, Sammy." "Just tell the devil to eat it." "If it's something you don't want to do... then you don't have to do it." "No, but I think I do." "I think I want to, you know." "After all this, it's like I feel like a grownup kinda." "I mean, kinda." "I feel responsible now." "We'll help you, Sam." "Thanks, buddy."