"'lt was a typical Saturday night in suburbia, 'and Wendy's party was the kind of shit party 'that happened most weekends." "'Her parents were upstairs, waiting for the house to be trashed." "'And they would be down at 11:30 anyway, to turf us all out." "'We were downstairs, 'bored senseless and wondering how we'd ever get laid." "'And anyone who is in any way cool was somewhere else.'" " Can you get off the arm rest, please?" " Sorry." "Although it was nice of you to invite me, this doesn't seem like a very cool party." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Did you cancel a night out with Paris Hilton to be here" "Wendy, do you have any more beer?" "I think there's a box of my dad's small beers left, but don't drink it all cos Charlotte Hinchcliffe and her mates will be here soon." "Yeah, right, like she's gonna come." " Why wouldn't she come?" " She's fit and popular, therefore she won't be coming." " Who won't be coming?" " Charlotte Hinchcliffe." "Oh, I would make her come all over my face!" "You know, she has to get special bras made because not only are her tits so big, but they are perfectly round." "Like porn star tits." "And she's a slag." "She once munched off the whole rugby team." "Can that be true?" " No word of a lie." " I heard that." "Our school doesn't have a rugby team." " It was another school, then." " Which one?" " It happened." " Then you should be able to tell me where it happened." "You can ask her yourself when she gets here." " Except she won't be here!" " Jay, I'm off, mate." "See you soon." "All right then, mate." "Who was that?" " Just a friend." " You've made a new friend?" "Oh, a friend!" "Since when have you had other friends?" "Oh, a friend!" "I knew him from when we were doing trials at West Ham." "He's moved into the area." "He's just some guy." " Some guy!" " Oh, he's just some guy." " Oh, he's just some guy." " That's all it is." "Just a friend from when Jay had trials at West Ham..." "That never happened." " Don't forget the thumbs up." " Oh, friend!" "Oh, new friend." " Friend!" " Please be my friend." " Oh, friend." " Oh, friend." "Fuck you lot." "Where's the beer?" " We're out." " I'm going to the loo." "What, for a wank?" "You wanker." "Friend!" "Ha ha ha." "See if you can find some more beer on the way back." "Check the washing machine." "That's where I'd hide it." "No-one ever puts any in the fridge." "Stop me Oh-oh-oh stop me" "Stop me if you've think that you've..." "Fucking hell, she has turned up." "This is now officially the coolest party we have ever been to." "Try and look at cool, then." "... Think that you've heard this one before" "Cos nothing's changed  Oh, I still love you" "'As expected, the kitchen was a booze-freeze zone." "'Apart from one small beer in the washing machine, 'which was presumably Neil's." "'I assumed there wouldn't be any in the fridge, but what the hell." "'And to my surprise, I hit the jackpot!" "'" " Think you've got my champagne." " Oh, God." "Um, sorry." "You've opened it now, you might as well grab a glass." "Right, er, yes." "Thanks." "Sorry." "Did you know the original champagne glass is said to be modelled on" "Marie Antoinette's breast?" "Do you always start off a conversation by talking about breasts?" "No..." "How has it gone?" "Quite badly." "Right." " She's amazing." " Who?" "That girl." "Her eyes are beautiful." "You get weirder around girls, like a stalker." " No, I don't." " Yeah, you do." "Where's that muppet with our drinks?" "I haven't told my old friends I've joined a state comprehensive yet." "They think I'm here doing voluntary work for Unicef." "You pretentious twat!" "Oi!" "Did you get us any beers?" "Hi, Jay." "Listen, if you really want a laugh, you should come and chat with me." "I'm about 50 times funnier than him." "Is he for real?" " Regrettably, yes." " I'm totally for real." "Everybody knows I'm funnier." "Even you'd say so, wouldn't you, Will?" " Er, well, no, not really." " All right, funny boy, make me laugh." "Without undressing." "Neem ne-ne-ne-ne neeeem neeeem neeeem neem-neem-neem neeeeeem neeeeeem neem neeem..." "Baahm ba-ba-baaahmm baahm-baahm-baahm bahmm bahmm..." "Neeeeemmmmm ne-ne-neeem neeeeemmmmm neeemmmmm neeemmmm neemmm-neem-neem..." "Baaaahm baahm baahhhmmmm ba-ba-ba-baaaahhhmm..." "Neeeem-neeeem-neeeeem neeeemmmmmm nem-nem-nem-nem-neem nem nem nem nm nm nm..." "Nm." "Crazy frog." "OK, if Will ever stops being funny, I'll let you know." "Come on, you." "What the hell is going on?" "Fuck knows." "Her and her mates must be having a snog a twat competition." "That can't be happening, else someone would have claimed you." "Ha ha." "This is brilliant news." "How is will getting off with Charlotte Big Jugs brilliant news?" "Itmeansthingsreallyhave changed." "Girls might be about to notice us for who we actually are." " You're fucked, because you're a twat." " Nice." "Oh, my God." "I thought she was seeing someone in our year." "Yeah, I heard she was seeing Donovan." "No, who is it?" "Is it Donovan, Neil?" "Because he's a nutter and we should warn Will." "It's someone." " Is it Donovan?" " I can't think." " Donovan?" " Let me think." " Donovan?" " That guy..." " Donovan." " What's his name?" "Look, this isn't a practical joke, is it?" "Because if it is, then I'm..." "I'm fine with that." "It would be nice to know so we can have a laugh about it, at my expense, and then... get on with our lives." "No, it's not a practical joke." "Great, sure, no." "Didn't think it was." "I liked that kiss." "So did I. And if you're lucky, you might get more." "Oh, my God, sex?" "I'm not gonna have sex with you, Will!" "No, no, of course not." "How about we, er... don't have sex in here?" "All right." " Was it Donovan, Neil?" " I'm trying to think who it was." "Oh, yeah, it was Donovan." "You fucking idiot." " Ho ho, Will's dead." " Oh, shit, we should do something." "Well, after he gets beaten up, we could take him to hospital." "Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck." " Right, don't say anything." " OK." "All right?" "Yep, yep." "Yeah, I'm all right." "I heard your mate is with Charlotte." "Um, dunno." "Don't think so." "Yeah, they're upstairs." "Cheers." "What?" " So sorry, Mr and Mrs Dean." " That's OK, Mark." "Hope you're having a nice time." "The, er, loo's on the left." "Thank you very much." " What are you doing here?" " I came to see you." "Leave." "No, stay." "Mark, it's finished." " Now, please go." " No." "I'm not leaving till you tell me it's over and you mean it." "It's over and I mean it." " I think you should leave." " What, you are telling me to leave?" " Yes." " Or what?" " Please don't hit him." "Just go." " Or what?" "Mark, please." "For me." "Just go." "Yeah." "Yeah, all right." "All right, I'm leaving, I'm leaving." "Good, because I was gonna call Wendy's parents, and don't think that I won't." "OK, mate, two things, yeah?" "One, be nice to her, because she is kind and fragile and gentle, not like people think." "And two... if you tell anyone I said that, I will kill you." "I will kill you!" "What a dickhead!" "Fucking hell, he's leaving." "No screams and he's not covered in blood," "Will must have got away with it." "Or Donovan killed them both silently." "She is so beautiful and she keeps looking at me." "She's only looking to see if you've stopped staring at her." " She's still looking." " Because you're freaking her out." "I think we've got a connection." "Her eyes!" "Why don't we go over?" "No, I don't need to pull." "I've got a sure thing lined up." "A midweek wank?" "No." "I've entered that charity blind date thing at school." "That's tragic." "Well, that's where you're wrong." "Because I get the choice of three girls to take out on a date." "So I don't need to spend my Saturday evening scaring girls like Simon does." "What if she's feeling the same and neither of us does anything about it?" "She's fit and she's the year above - she'll never go for you." "Look, Will..." "Will, yeah, has pulled Charlotte Hinchcliffe." "Anything could happen tonight." "I'm going over." "Go away." "'With Simon's humiliation, the party was over, 'and some of us had done better than others.'" "I don't get it." "Charlotte Tits could have had me, and she went for that?" "Come on, then, what did you get?" "Well, a gentleman never tells." " A bender never tells." " Brilliant." "Look, come on, did you get a chew on her boobies or not?" " I can neither confirm nor deny." " Bender." "Look, don't listen to them." "This is brilliant." "Are you seeing her again?" "Well, I've got to call her tomorrow." "She said we should hook up soon." "Amazing." "Oh, and don't tell my dad anything yet - it will only set him off." "Course." " Good night?" " No, boring." "Will pulled." "Did you, Will?" "Good work." "Um, thanks." "When I was your age, I used to love house parties." "Getting off with some bird, one of the upstairs rooms" " underneath the coats." " Dad, can we not?" "In fact, I think I, ah, met your mum at a house party, Simon." "Jesus Christ." "Ooh, she was wild." "And after that, she didn't just like keeping it upstairs." "No, we did it in the kitchen, in the garage..." "I think we notched one up in the greenhouse once." " Stop the car, I'm gonna walk home." " Come on, Simon!" "Me and your mum like doing it too, you know." " They do it in your house, Si!" " Dad!" " You're so embarrassing." " Your mum loves it!" "'Two days have now passed since I kissed Charlotte, 'which meant it probably wasn't a wet dream.'" "Hello, stranger." "Hello, boys." "'Pulling me at a party of geeks was one thing, 'but how would she treat me at school?" "'" "Hi, hi." "How are you?" "What have you been up to?" "Well, on Sunday, me and Sarah went up to London, bought some vibrating love eggs and put them in on the train back." "And where did you eat in London?" "Did you hear what I said?" "Yep." "It just sounded like a private matter so I thought best not to intrude." "Does it intimidate you when I talk about sex?" "No." "Not at all." "I'm just interested in London restaurants and stuff." "You have had sex before, haven't you?" "Yes." "Yes." "Loads." "I've done it with two different girls." "I've had 11 lovers already." "Five girls, actually." "Sorry, it was five, not two." "All right, stud." "Who were they, then?" " A girl I met in Australia." " Australia?" " Yeah, I went there on holiday." " When was that?" "2005." "So you were 13?" " I was very mature for my age." " Older woman, then, was she?" "She was a couple of years younger." "So she was 11?" "Christ, no!" "I mean, yes," "I suppose she must have been." " Jesus, 11." " And what about the other four?" "Had they reached puberty when you'd slept with them?" "God, yes, they were very recent." "One was a couple of weeks ago, another one was... a few days ago." "I see." "Well, I reckon you should come round on Friday night and, er, you know..." "God, you mean, you know... on... on Friday?" " Yeah, why not, it's no big deal." " Not a big deal." " I'm not a virgin, you're not a virgin." " I'm so not a virgin." "I believe you." "What are you doing?" " I'm reading." " That's what I meant." "I don't know how anybody bothers with this shit." "It's like a slow version of TV." " Then why bother?" " For Blind Date." "It will make me sound clever if I say I read, and girls like clever blokes." "But once a girl speaks to you, Neil, she'll realise you're not a clever bloke." "Exactly, that's why I'm saying that I read books." "No, not exactly because you'll still seem stupid even though you've lied about reading books." "Exactly." "Oh, OK then, Neil, that clears it up - good plan." "You coming round mine tonight, play Pro Evo?" "Depends." "Will your friend the footballer be there?" "Ah, friend." "Football friend." "Best friends for ever and ever." " Oh, friend." " Fuck off, all right, he's not my friend." "All right." "You're touchy about your friends." "Come round mine tonight, my dad's out." " Oh, at last." " No, I mean going out." " Cottaging?" " No, he's playing badminton." "Sounds like a euphemism." "We're not going round yours - your house stinks." "Does not." " It does smell odd." " Like what?" " It just smells like being poor." " Fuck off!" " Shit." " Charlotte again?" "I don't why she doesn't just come over and say hello." "Because she doesn't want to be seen dead with you." "Well, on Friday she'll be doing more than being seen dead with me." " You're having sex?" " Nice." " Does she know you're still a virgin?" " Nope, I told her I got laid last week." "Last week?" "Shit." "Here's a tip for you." "The more fingers up, the better." "They fucking love it." "Try to get at least three." "What?" "I'm telling you, all the birds I've shagged love that." " So no birds love that, then." " Well, your mum loved it." " Brilliant." " Knowing my luck she'll have dumped me by Friday anyway." "Yeah, especially as she's using you to get back at Donovan." " What?" " It's obvious." "Everyone can see it." "I mean, it's still great for you cos you get a go on those fantastic tits." " That's not true." " Yeah, it is." "No offence, mate, but you don't look much like her type." "She goes for big rugby players." "15 at a time, sometimes." "Fuck off!" "Fuck off, the lot of you." "You don't know her." "Listen, mate, I'm only trying to look after you." "You're not." "You're just jealous because a fit girl fancies me and not you." "Come on, don't be a dick." "It's not all about looks, and beautiful women like Charlotte understand that." "Maybe if you weren't so obsessed by that asshole Carli, who's just stringing you along, you'd see that." "Fine." "Fine, get your stupid fucking heart broken, I don't care." "I've had mates before you and I'll have mates after you've fucked off." "'It was true." "Simon still did have his old friends.'" " Books get me girls." " Oh, books." "Oh, books." "'And he was welcome to them.'" " Books." "Blind Date books." " Ah, ah!" "Fuck the book with us, Simon." "'Friday rolled around and I was all dressed up for my, you know, 'date with Charlotte.'" " Bye, Mum." " Where are you off to?" "Just to meet a friend." "Oh, is it a girl?" " No." " Is it a boy?" "No!" "Its a girl, all right." "Her name's Charlotte." "Charlotte!" "It is she pretty?" "Yes." "She's beautiful, actually." "She's one of the most popular girls at school." "Oh, Will, don't go for the good-looking girls, because everyone's after them." "Someone like you will have much more of a chance if you go for the plainer girls." "Someone like me?" "Trust me - good-looking girls just break your heart." "Let the good-looking boys go out with the good-looking girls." "Are you saying you think I'm not good-looking?" "Darling, I think you're beautiful." "Right." "Thanks, Mum." "See you later." "Can you not?" " All right, Jay?" " All right?" "Nice car." "Do you like it?" "Just got new rims for it." " Yeah, it's well nice." " Oh, friend." "Oh, car friend." "Oh, car friend, shall we play football?" "I've just got to pop home now, but you can have a drive later, if you like." " Yeah, maybe." "Cheers." " Thanks, friend!" " Car friend, football." " Cheers, friend." "See you later, then." "Yeah." " He's not my fucking friend." " All right." "Friend!" "Friend!" "Friend!" " Where's your friend?" " Friend!" "Just to confirm, we are going to have sex?" "Yes, I can confirm that." "Told you, Mum." "Did you just call me mum?" "No!" "No." "God, no." "Are you all right?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "Are you gonna hurt me?" "If you want me to." "No!" "No, sorry, no, I meant..." "I know what you meant, Will." "Come on." "I really, really like you." "You know," "I adore you." "A lot." "I like you too." "Come on." "Will... stop." "Look, don't move your whole body." " Just kind of move your hips, you know." " Right." " Sorry." " Yeah, you know..." " J..." "Just my hips." " Yeah." "How would that work?" "Well, you sort of just..." "Look, forget it." "You haven't done this before, have you?" "No." "Sorry, I lied." "Shall we have another go?" " I think the moment's gone, to be honest." " Sorry to ask..." "Have I just lost my virginity?" "I'm not gonna count that one." "Can I count it, though?" "Probably not, no." "Oh." "OK." "Shall we cuddle?" "Look, I'm going to get dressed." "You should go before my mum gets back." "And, Will, don't tell your mates, yeah." "My mates?" "Not sure I have any." "Will you put your pants on, please?" " Friend." " Friend." " Friend." " Made-up football friends." "Just give it a fucking rest, will you?" " Hello, isn't that friend's car?" " Ooh, new-rims car friend!" "I'll show you how much of a friend he is." "Fucking friend." "Oh, friend, friend!" "Fucking football friend." " I never thought he'd get that wound up." " Yeah." "Jay, what are you doin'?" "Oh, friend." "Friend!" "I'm not your fucking friend, all right?" "All right?" " Oh, friend, friend, car friend..." " So are they friends or not?" "New car friend, let's go for a drive some time." "See you, friend." "See you later, friend." "Ooh!" "Oh, friend." "Friend, friend, football friend." "'Later that week, it was the school's Blind Date show 'and I was there to see how Neil's brilliant book reading plan went." "'Even though I wasn't talking to him.'" "And finally, the same question to number three." "People say Anna Karenina because of my aristocratic elbow, but I'd secretly like to think I'm more Jane Eyre." "Right, have you made your decision?" "Um, I dunno." "I know it's for charity but we've still got another one to go." "Get on with it." "Um..." "Number three." "She's doing her A-levels four years early and she loves Russian literature - it's Susie." "Hi, Charlotte, it's me, Will." "I don't want to be a stalker, but I was wondering if you could get back to me." "And just so you know, I'm on the mobile now and not the home number." "OK." "Bye, then." "Time for asked to meet the boys, so boys, out to come." "All right?" " Hurry up, no swearing." " All right?" "Where's your girlfriend, then?" "She'll be here in a minute." "Right, we won't hang around, then." "Number one, what's your name and where do you come from?" "I'm Nick, I'm from Twickenham..." "Have you got a girlfriend?" "Yeah." "Oh, yeah." "What's her name?" "Charlotte." "It's Charlotte Hinchcliffe, actually." "She's a Year 13." " Is she pretty?" " Yes." "She's very pretty, John." "And do you love her?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I think I do." "So those are the boys." "Let's meet the lucky lady who gets to choose one of them." "It's Charlotte from Year 13." "Just like your girlfriend." "What's your name and why are you here?" "My name's Charlotte Hinchcliffe and I'm here for a bit of fun." "That's your girlfriend." "Why is she on a dating thing?" "I don't know, John." "Tell us that bit about yourself, and keep it clean." "Well, I'm single." "I've been messing around with a few boys and now I'm looking for a real man who's gonna show me a good time." "I said keep it clean." "I'm looking for a big, strong man who really knows what he's doing." "I won't tell you again." "OK, let's have your first question." "'And that was the end of my first love affair." "To date, my only love affair." "'There was only one thing to do." "'Run to my mum and cry.'" "I'm so sad." "I feel sad." "You were right, Mum." "I know it hurts, petal, but it will get better, I promise." "I just started to make friends and I dumped them all for this girl." "Why don't we move you to another school?" " Stop trying to make me move schools." " I don't want you bullied again." "I was not bullied." "Oh, hello, Mrs MacKenzie." "Is William in?" "I'll leave you to it." "What?" "Just wanted to know if you wanted to come out?" "Um..." "Neil's date is that weird girl who's taking her A-levels four years early." "Turns out she's about 12." "He's at Milwaukee Fried Chicken." "She's so young, her mum's had to go with her." "The three of them are probably sitting there now around a bargain bucket." "You should come." "Actually, that does sound quite funny." "Mum, I'm off out." "Brilliant." "How's your football friend?" "I don't think we're friends any more." "I had to borrow 300 quid to get his car fixed so he won't call the police." "It was amazing." "You should have seen it." "He's a really nice bloke, I don't know why I did it." "You've got mental problems?" "'I learnt many things from my first heartbreak." "I learnt a little about love... '" "Go away." "'...a bit about anatomy..." "a lot about friendship... '" "Oh, friend, fucking football friend." " '...and nothing at all about sex... '" " Will, stop." "'...apart from rubbing up against the perineum 'doesn't count as losing your virginity.'" "Yesterday I got so old" "I felt like I could die" "Yesterday I got so old" "It made me want to cry" "Go on, go on" "Just walk away" "Go on, go on" "Your choice is made" "Go on, go on" "And disappear Go on, go on..."