"♪ Ah" "♪ Don't let them go" "♪ Don't let them go" "♪ Take a beautiful dream and let it show" "♪ Don't let them go" "♪ Don't let them go" "♪ Take a beautiful dream and let it glow" "♪ Glow, glow, glow, glow" "♪ Na na na na na... ♪" "Simon, your new flat is out of this world!" "I love it!" "It's not a flat." "It's an apartment." "And I love the lift." "It's so nice to be in one what don't smell of piss for a change." "It's not a lift, it's an elevator." "I don't look like a bit of a tit in this hat, do I?" "It's not a hat, it's a fascinator." "Oh, answer the question, knobhead." "You look heavenly." "I still say feathers are too much for a spot of light shopping." "They're not feathers, they're plumes." "They're feathers!" "They're plumes!" "I should bloody know, Mother." "I'm the one that stole them." "SIMON: 'Since the demise of Take That a couple of years previously, 'there was a gap in the market for a new boy band, 'and Kylie and I knew just the people to fill it...'" "Oi!" "Look at these two mincing knobheads!" "BOY BAND POP MUSIC '...though we had competition in the form of the school's resident girl group, 'spearheaded by none other than my very own pregnant sister.'" "FEMALE SINGS RB MUSIC" "'Work it, girls!" "'" "♪ Bring it on Bring it, bring it on now" "♪ Bring it on Bring it, bring it on now" "♪ Bring it on Bring it, bring it on now" "♪ Bring it on Bring it, bring it on now" "♪ Bring it on Bring it, bring it on now" "♪ Bring it on Bring it, bring it on now. ♪" "You is one hot mover, girlfriend." "Ashlene, who taught you to dance like that?" "It's Shaznay now." "So don't give me that "Ashlene" shit." "Face facts, Simon - you ain't the only one in our house that can freestyle." "Yeah, but it's not a good look in a maternity smock." "Anyway, bambaclarts, you can't be in no boy band, is it?" "There were only two in Robson  Jerome." "Two too many." "THEY LAUGH" "Mind you, Robson Green's quite fit in Touching Cloth." "Evil." "It's Touching Evil." "What's your girl band called?" "All Souls." "Arseholes, more like." "And what are you?" "The Pink Ladies?" "Actually, we're called E-Male." "Cos we think it's gonna be huge." "She-male, more like." "CAR ENGINE REVS Oh, my God!" "Look!" "'And cue hot teacher.'" "♪ Ding-a-dong, every hour When you pick a flower" "♪ Even when your lover is gone, gone... ♪" "You all right, sir?" "♪..." "Ding-a-dong, listen to it... ♪" "Right back at you, Shaznay." "He's fabulous." "Pedagogue of the Year or what!" "What's with the dodgy sounds, guy?" "Teach-In." "1975?" "A vintage year for Eurovision." "DING!" "'Mr Carr, our music teacher, 'eschewed the likes of Beethoven, Mahler and Stravinsky 'to concentrate on his favourite musical area.'" "Number seven." "If you want to win the Eurovision Song Contest, you've got to have a gimmick." "Katja Ebstein and her clown backing singers in 1980." "Peter, Sue and Marc playing a variety of gardening tools, including the watering can, hose and plastic bag, in '79." "Linda Wagenmakers, having her backing singers hiding under her voluminous skirtage." "'I don't know how he knew that." "It didn't happen for another two years.'" "What are these all fine examples of?" "The..." "ALL:" "Eurovision gimmick." "Bollocks." "TITTERING" "What's the rule on swearing, Jayeson?" "Oh, I'm sorry, sir." "Sometimes I get Eurovision Tourette's." "TITTERING" "'And while we were getting acquainted 'with the ins and outs of Eurovision glory, 'my dad was bonding with our new neighbour.'" "MUSIC: "Madama Butterfly" by Puccini" "HE SNIFFLES She touches your soul, you know?" "Your heart." "The pain of it!" "I'm more of a four-to-the-floor man." "She takes you...to the brink and makes you stare into the abyss." "Northern soul." "Hard house, techno, trance." "God, what a tragic life she had!" "Why?" "What happened to her?" "I've no idea." "But that is not the voice of someone who's a stranger to a smack." "My better half's into opera." "I can't get me head around Three Blind Mice." "MUSIC REACHES CRESCENDO" "OK." "Well done in your spot test, guys." "See you tomorrow." "Sir?" "Yes, Simon?" "Sir...we've written this song, right?" "Body Pop 'Til You Drop (Don't Stop)." "The "Don't Stop" is in brackets." "That was my idea." "Cool title." "And we really want to enter the Eurovision with it next year." "But..." "I think we need your help." "Hit me with a bit of the tune." "KYLIE CLEARS THROAT" "♪ Body pop 'til you drop" "♪ Don't stop" "♪ Ah, body pop" "♪ Body pop 'til you drop" "♪ I said, what?" "♪ Ah, body pop" "♪ Body pop 'til you drop" "♪ Nice top!" "♪ Ah, body pop And we all come boogieing down" "♪ Yeah. ♪" "And what's your gimmick?" "Duh!" "We're 14." "Boys, you've got a deal." "'With our new manager, we knew it was only a matter of time 'before...we had a record deal, international celebrity 'and the all-important pop video.'" "♪ Body pop 'til you drop" "♪ I said, what?" "Ah, body pop" "♪ Body pop 'til you drop" "♪ Nice top Ah, body pop... ♪" "ROBOTIC VOICE: #..." "Body pop 'til you drop, don't stop" "♪ I said body pop, body pop... ♪" "'My mum, meanwhile, wasn't choosing her words so carefully.'" "I hear you're getting on really well with Andy." "Yeah." "He's the nuts." "Well, he's a man's man, darling." "Ain't nothing wrong with that." "Yeah." "Yeah, he's a right laugh." "He said to come over one night, have a nice nosh-off." "'She did, of course, mean "nosh-up".'" "You'd be so impressed with what he can do with a chicken." "The secret's in the stuffing." "I have to say, of all the guys I've ever met, he really knows what he's doing in a spit roast situation." "I've got a partner." "Well, then why don't you both come over?" "I can't wait to meet her!" "Say, 8 o'clock?" "No, actually, she..." "As you were." "I've never seen his missus." "Have you?" "Maybe she's claustrophobic." "Agoraphobic." "Aquaphobic!" "Oh, is this a word game?" "I don't know how many more I know." "Bosnophobic!" "What's that mean?" "People who are scared of Bosnia?" "Maybe he keeps his missus locked up in a cellar." "BOTH LAUGH" "Do you remember we met that couple when we were off on holiday and we thought they were a bit weird?" "Oh, yeah." "What?" "You actually...bury people under the floorboards?" "DEBBIE LAUGHS" "Oh, Fred, Rose, you are officially hilarious!" "BOTH LAUGH" "Oh, I wonder whatever happened to them." "Feck knows." "You send a couple of Christmas cards to people, and they never write back and..." "Uh...could you...?" "What?" "I've got me hand stuck." "Oh." "Come here." "Ooh, it's jammed tight, innit?" "Oh, I know." "Blimey, And!" "What have you stuffed it with, superglue?" "Loctite!" "No!" "No - garlic, lemon and bay leaves." "Ow!" "Watch what you're doing, weirdos!" "ANDY AND DEBBIE LAUGH Sorry, babe." "So you should be!" "I've only just done my make-up." "You're not serving that?" "You could eat your dinner off that floor, Ashlene." "We might have to, if I can't loosen up the lazy Susan." "Oh, it's not packed up again, has it?" "I'll get the baby oil onto it." "Is Shanice there, please?" "It's Ashlene." "Does my arse look good in these jeans?" "Dad!" "Don't ask me questions like that, you big perv!" "Shut up!" "Or I'll throw a turkey at you." "I was asking your ma." "Yeah, it looks nice, darling." "Mm-hm." "Now, I'm gonna get ready." "I might test-drive my new cleavage-enhancing body glitter tonight." "Our new neighbour's missus might be a bit of a dolly bird." "I mean, when I look at him, I kind of get the feeling his girlfriend wouldn't look out of place in Legs  Co." "Great!" "Are you right, babe?" "What took you so long?" "Eugh!" "Did you wash your hands?" "Do you fancy a sleepover tonight?" "Work out some more dance moves to Body Pop 'Til You Drop?" "Don't stop!" "I'll get my people to speak to your people." "Do you think... we ever will be pop stars?" "Course we will, girlfriend!" "E-Male are going to be huge." "Then we'll have houses in London..." "Paris, New York... and La." "It's pronounced L-A." "And we won't just move amongst the beautiful people." "We'll be the beautiful people." "What?" "Isn't that Mr Carr's Ka car?" "I doubt it." "What would he be doing round here?" "He's fabulous." "Mmm." "I'll be over in a bit." "Bybes." "What?" "Well, I would say, "Bye, babes," but I'm far too busy." "So I shortened it to "bybes"." "Bybes!" "Bybes!" "You're joking, ain't you?" "She's got more arms than an octopus." "I is defo gettin' rid of it." "You get me?" "DEBBIE:" "What do you think?" "Ooh!" "I've always loved your puppies." "The glitter, cheeky chops." "Oh, I could just put my face between them and go b-b-b-b-b-b-b!" "Dad!" "ANDY AND DEBBIE LAUGH" "Oh, you'll put his old boiler to shame.Oh, bless." "SHE SIGHS" "You all right?" "Fine." "Missing Hayley?" "She's broadening her horizons, And." "No mean feat when you can't see a hand in front of your face." "Which wine are you serving with that, lover?" "Well, it's chicken and mushroom, so I was thinking..." "A nice chicken and mushroom wine." "Got it in one, honey bun." "Oi, Simon, hands off my nibbles." "Mother?" "What have you done to your hair?" "I've scrunch-dried it." "Why?" "Have you wiped car wax on your bust?" "It's body glitter!" "How '70s of you!" "Oh!" "Who have you got coming round, John Travolta?" "Oh, I wish!" "Uh, that new bloke from over the road and his missus." "God, you're so suburban!" "Well, what do you want us to be?" "Sophisticated?" "Intellectual?" "Interesting?" "We're all of those things to the max, lover." "I think you'd better add "deluded" to that list." "Oh, you might be wanting this." "To chuck your car keys in." "Oh, no!" "You don't have a car - you have a van!" "How working-class." "Angel Wings in Year 8 said it's like crapping a football." "I know." "The shame!" "DOORBELL RINGS" "Oh, my God!" "You are never gonna believe who's just walked up your path." "Lily Savage from Blankety Blank?" "!" "Better than that." "Wotcha, Ross!" "Ross, me old buddy." "How's it hanging?" "Uh, to the left, I think." "ALL LAUGH" "Outrageous!" "So, where is she?" "Uh, I don't think you've met my better half, Nathan." "Hiya." "Oh, my God." "You're...very welcome." "Oh, welcome." "Welcome." "What's that on your hand, mate?" "Oh, uh...got me fist stuck in a chicken before." "Yeah, right up to the elbow, he was." "She had to yank me off!" "The things you do when you've got the neighbours coming round!" "Anyway, pop through me portals, as the actress said to the bishop." "Oh, isn't he handsome, eh, Ross?" "Oh, he'll do." "Sorry, uh, these are for you." "Oh!" "Look, And." "Oh, he's a bit funny about flowers." "Sometimes I like them, sometimes I don't." "I guess you could say he swings both ways." "You all right, Andy?" "You look a bit..." "Oh, you just..." "I didn't have you down as the sort of guy who was, um would wear a cut-off lumberjack shirt." "SHE CHUCKLES Come through." "Hello, Mr Carr!" "What are you doing here?" "Simon!" "Oh, my God." "Ross!" "These are the two live wires I was talking about." "Mr Carr's our music teacher." "Slash, manager." "Simon, I thought you were having a sleepover." "Well, sleepovers are for kids." "We may as well join you in the dinner party." "Yeah, I'm starving, girlfriend!" "I could eat a baby's leg through the bars of a playpen." "CRASH!" "Watch me knick-knacks, Kylie!" "How many times?" "If you boys want to do high kicks..." "DEBBIE AND BOYS:...do them in the living room." "Thank you." "Uh!" "This is grown-up time." "But, Mum!" "Andy, could you take Ross and Nathan's beautiful gifts, please?" "Merci beaucoup." "With pleasure." "De nada." "Why are you speaking like that?" "It's sophisticated." "Now, shift your arse back up them stairs." "Oh, my God." "Mr Carr's here." "And he's a gay." "Shall we follow through?" "I do find a lazy Susan a real plus at a dinner party." "Or Bar Mitzvah." "Oh." "Are you Jewish?" "Ergonomically speaking, no." "Psycho-spiritually, yes." "Debbie, Debbie, guess what Ross's surname is." "Kemp." "He said so earlier." "Keep your hair on, Andy." "Kemp!" "His name is Ross Kemp!" "HE LAUGHS" "Yeah." "Cos I sound like him, it can lead to some tricky situations on the phone." "He does it on purpose." "Phoning up the library, ordering gay porn." "I've done it once." "Don't exaggerate." "Saying Rebekah Wade will pick it up." "You thought it was funny." "Making me wear chicken fillets and a red curly wig..." "Get a life!" "And a decent face!" "Don't raise your voice like that." "How should I?" "FALSETTO:" "Like this?" "Drop dead, yeah?" "I wouldn't give you the satisfaction." "You never have, dear." "The only thing you've given me is warts!" "HE LAUGHS" "The way yous two argue is hilarious!" "Sir?" "Oh, Simon." "Mr Carr's on his night off." "He don't want to be reminded of school tonight." "Do you, lover?" "Well..." "We've worked out a new dance routine for Body Pop 'Til You Drop." "Don't stop." "Maybe in a bit, Simon." "Yeah, Simon..." "My mum's hair isn't usually like that.Simon!" "What are you looking at?" "Have I got a welly on me head?" "He's got some front, ain't he?" "Oh, I know, Ross." "More front than Woolworths." "ASHLENE SWITCHES ON TV" "MUSIC ON TV:" "Theme from "Coronation Street"" "Ashlene!" "Shaznay!" "We're having a dinner party!" "ASHLENE:" "All right, sir?" "NATHAN:" "Shaznay!" "Ashlene.I had no idea we lived next door to so many of my students." "I'm surprised you're not hyperventilating." "Why would I be hyperventilating?" "Panicking they'll out you on Monday." "That's a bit unfair, Ross." "ASHLENE:" "I won't tell no-one." "I'm really knowledgeable about gay stuff and shit." "So, which one of you is the bloke and who's the bitch?" "Ashlene!" "Forgive my daughter, Mr Carr." "Pregnancy-wise, her hormones are cock-a-hoop!" "I can't believe Mr Carr's..." "I know." "It's so embarrassing." "Eugh!" "His fella's vile." "A veritable Neanderthal." "SIMON SIGHS" "Let's split them up." "Ross tells me that you have a... a blind lady living here." "My best mate, Hayley." "And where is she tonight?" "Oh, you know." "Out somewhere...being blind." "ALL LAUGH Andrew." "She's on a holiday with the visually impaired drop-in centre." "They're doing an anticlockwise tour of the cathedral cities of Great Britain." "She's an intellectual." "I think I may have some more gravy." "Man gravy." "Ross!" "You'll balloon." "That holiday's a rip-off, if you ask me." "They're just gonna drive them around the M25." "How will they know the difference?" "I might pop outside for a cigarette." "You coming, Andy?" "No." "It's just the way I'm sitting." "BOTH LAUGH" "Ross, that is so rude." "Don't be daft." "You can smoke in here." "Ashlene, get Ross the Raquel from Coronation Street ashtray, please." "I'm pregnant!" "It's all right, Debs." "I like smoking outside." "Oh, go on." "I'll join you." "ANDY SQUEALS AND LAUGHS Hilarious!" "Why is it all gay men are so good-looking?" "I mean, look at Elton John." "Or Christopher Biggins." "Or Michael Barrymore." "Now, he's a dishy devil." "So, where's your so-called boyfriend, then?" "Uh..." "Sir?" "What do you think of these for outfits?" "Simon, have you been cutting up my old mesh vests again?" "How many times have I told you?" "Oh, Simon, I meant to say." "Guess what's happening in Birmingham on May the 9th?" "There's...gonna be a lot of people walking around with really funny accents?" "The Eurovision Song Contest." "And I've got three tickets to see the dress rehearsal." "You want to come?" "Oh, my giddy aunt!" "That is so generous of you, Mr Carr." "Is it OK?" "OK?" "They'll be over the moon." "What do you say, Simon?" "A little bit of wee came out." "Simon, stop showing off." "Who's representing us this year?" "God, Mother!" "Don't you know anything?" "Imaani." "Er, Where Are You?" "Our first ever black representative." "Exciting." "Oh, he sounds lovely." "Oh, he is a she." "A bit like the Israeli entry." "They've got a transsexual representing them." "Oh, Mr Carr, don't we live in an exciting world?" "Should I put Imaani on the boogie box?" "Yeah, go on, Simon." "Wouldn't mind sampling a little snatch." "Speak for yourself." "BOTH LAUGH" "Um, actually, I've got to go and, er...shake my lettuce." "Apologies in advance for the musical toilet seat." "My husband has avant-garde ideas about hygienic home decoration." "What does it play?" "ALL:" "Yellow River." "Do much sport, Andy, do you?" "Oh, the odd bit of football." "Sunday league." "Why do you ask?" "Oh, I can't tell whether that's fat or muscle." "What?" "That." "Oh, no, it's muscle." "(LAUGHS) I don't believe you." "Look, feel that, mate." "That is not flab." "Huh?" "God, you are quite firm, aren't you?" "30 press-ups a day, thank you." "Wow." "Er..." "Ross?" "Mmm...sleepy bunny." "Th-That's actually my penis you've got your hand on." "Got a problem with that?" "Too feckin' right." "You know what you are, darling?" "Pissed?" "That chicken and mushroom wine's lethal." "A prick tease." "♪ I would drive through the rain To find you" "♪ Walk a desert plain Behind you" "♪ You could unlock... ♪" "Oh, look!" "Mr Carr, I can do the splits!" "Put it away, love." "Eh?" "Look..." "This wasn't such a good idea." "We'd best be off." "Oi, twat!" "We're going!" "Nathan?" "What is it?" "What is it?" "!" "Could someone help me up?" "NATHAN:" "What were you doing?" "!" "ROSS:" "He had his fly stuck!" "DOOR SLAMS" "Oh, well." "Look on the bright side." "There's not many blokes can say they've been felt up by Ross Kemp." "I wouldn't be so sure." "He was all over me like dermatitis." "Is that your cousin?" "Dermot Itis?" "Debbie..." "Oh, I'm sorry, Andy." "But that's the funniest thing I've heard in years." "Oh, shut up." "If it was a woman coming on to me, you'd be fuming." "You'd be wanting to poke her eyes out." "And mine." "And you wouldn't stop there." "Not if the carving knife was close by." "Yeah, but it wasn't a woman, was it, Andy?" "It was our gay neighbour." "Our "gaybour", if you like." "BOTH CHUCKLE" "CLATTERING ROSS:" "Nathan!" "NATHAN:" "I never want to see you again as long as I live!" "ROSS:" "Nathan, what is it?" "NATHAN:" "Get away!" "ROSS:" "I was helping him with his fly!" "CAR STARTS" "Nathan, you wanker!" "I didn't mean it!" "Nathan!" "What's the matter?" "Have I got a welly on my head?" "SIMON:" "It worked." "CLASSICAL PIANO PLAYS" "Where's Mr Carr?" "What, you mean your boyfriend?" "Oh, shut up, Jayeson." "He's left the school." "Looks like you ain't Carr's bumboys any more!" "HE PLAYS THEME FROM "LOVE STORY"" "This is all your fault!" "Bored!" "'Why couldn't I have a fabulous family?" "'A family like the von Trapps, that was a singing group too, 'and entered the Eurovision Song Contest?" "'" "♪ Ooh Ooh-ee-ooh" "♪ Ooh" "♪ Daffy-daffy-daffy-doo" "♪ Shammy-shammy-shoo" "♪ I love you Ooh" "♪ Oh, shammy Ooh-ee-ooh" "♪ Oh, shammy Daffy-daffy-daffy-doo" "♪ Oh, shammy-shoo, I love you Shammy-shammy-shoo" "♪ I love you" "♪ Oh, shammy Shammy-shoo. ♪" "TELEVISION PLAYS" "Er, just so you know, I'm moving out." "You've messed up my life and career." "How?" "Doing the splits in front of my manager sent him packing!" "Don't try and stop me." "My mind's made up." "Oh!" "Ooh, he's gone off in a huff." "Or a minute and a huff." "DOOR SLAMS" "You were right." "He's only gone to Reba's." "Slut." "You can't stay here." "Nothing personal, but my mum hates your guts." "SIMON SIGHS" "Maybe I could sleep under your stairs." "I've been reading this book, Harry Potter, and...he lives under the stairs." "Oh, that sounds great - that's really gonna catch on(!" ")" "Well, I couldn't live here anyway." "Junk food plays havoc with my oily triangle." "Look, I'm sorry about Mr Carr, all right?" "I just didn't like the boyfriend." "I never thought he'd actually leg it." "So...what do we do now?" "Play out, then watch the Eurovision later?" "HE SIGHS" "'I don't know if you've ever seen The Sound of Music - 'though, I'm guessing, as you're watching this, you probably have - 'you know that bit when the kids are pissed off 'and they're playing ball with the Baroness?" "'Cue Baroness." "'And then Maria comes back from the abbey to see the kids." "'Well, this was the nearest I ever got to that in my life.'" "Mr Carr!" "Mr Carr!" "Anyone want to go to Birmingham?" "MUSIC: "Renegade Master" by Wildchild" "How amazing was that?" "Davey, thank you so much for getting us into the rehearsal." "You're a star." "I'm not getting back in that car." "Oh, we've just been to the loo now." "I don't think the journey home's going to be that bad, fart-wise." "No, I'm going to stay for the proper show." "But..." "Sod the dress rehearsal, Simon." "That trannie was amazing." "I want to see the real thing!" "But..." "Quick!" "While he's not looking." "You take care, yeah?" "And..." "I hope they heal up soon." "They're a bugger, aren't they?" "Now, where are my two gays-in-the-making?" "Simon?" "Kylie?" "Where are we going?" "I don't know." "We need somewhere to hide out till it starts." "OK." "Come on, girlfriend." "We can't stay here." "Why not?" "Well, there'll be a queue of people outside in wheelchairs with overflowing colostomies." "Do I look like I care?" "What do we do now?" "Wait." "DEBBIE:" "Call yourself a teacher?" "!" "How could you do this to me?" "!" "My son is the most precious thing in the whole wide world to me and you lost him!" "Knobhead!" "Bastard!" "Well, you'd better bloody find him!" "PHONE SLAMS DOWN" "Mr Carr's an angel." "Looking all over for them, he is, bless him." "It's just so typical of Nathan." "He's lost all my Sandie Shaw 45s." "Collector's items, they were." "You don't seem unduly concerned." "I'm not really into Sandie Shaw." "No, we never trusted women who didn't wear shoes, did we, And?" "No, about your son." "BOTH:" "Oh." "I still don't understand how we'll actually get into the show when we don't have tickets!" "Girlfriend, did no-one ever tell you?" "Your face has "usherette" written all over it." "ORCHESTRA STRIKES UP" "APPLAUSE" "Shit!" "It's started." "Come on!" "Kylie, what have you done?" "!" "Help!" "Help!" "Let us out!" "Hello?" "Help!" "I'm claustrophobic!" "Are you?" "No." "But it sounds good." "Help!" "This is a Eurovision emergency!" "LOUD THUMPING Help!" "Bienvenue a 43eme Concours Eurovision de la chanson, en direct..." "Sorry for getting you over here, Ross." "I couldn't think who else to turn to." "It's all right." "Have you and Mr Carr split up?" "Yeah." "Oh, plenty more fish in the sea, lover." "Excluding this big fish here." "There's a bloke lives by the parade" " Gay Gary." "Sells really good weed and he's got three gold teeth." "Try getting off with him." "Oh, Ashlene, Gay Gary's not gay." "He is." "Oh, puh-lease!" "You know how One-Eyed Tony's got one eye?" "Well, guess why Gay Gary's called Gay Gary." "That is a reference to his sunny disposition." "HE SCOFFS He's the moodiest fecker you'll ever come across." "He rammed his trolley into me in Gateways." "Yeah, that's cos you dawdle." "I told you." "Anyway, Gay Gary's not gay." "He is, actually." "We were together six months." "I knew it." "I paid for them gold gnashers doing night shifts at the abattoir." "Listen, Andy, I'm sorry about the other night." "Nudging your knob and that." "No hard feelings." "There certainly were not." "I swear, Debbie!" "I'm going out." "I'll give Gary your best, yeah?" "It still hurts." "See a dentist, Debbie." "SIMON: 'After three hours of Eurovision ecstasy, the winner was about to be announced." "'The Melody Crescent jury were on the edge of their seats in anticipation.'" "Oh, I'm propping my eyes open with matchsticks here." "TERRY WOGAN: 'Israel have won it." "'Israel have won it by 7 points over the United Kingdom.'" "That's the end, isn't it?" "Well, apart from the reprise of the winning entry." "Feck me, it's a long night." "If they have run away, they could be in New Zealand by now." "With beards." "That's it." "I'm getting in the car." "You don't drive." "I only said I was gonna get in it." "What good's that gonna do?" "It's a good place to ruminate." "I got arrested for that once." "Underneath a flyover." "I'd better call the police." "MAN SQUEALS EXCITEDLY We won!" "Oh, my God!" "Dana, what is it?" "I hate this dress." "I want to wear the Gaultier." "But you're due on stage." "They're waiting for you, darl." "In here!" "ALL SCREAM" "You still on hold?" "APPLAUSE ON TELEVISION" "'Just a little hiatus here, ladies and gentlemen.'" "ULRIKA JONSSON:'We can't find them!" "'" "'Obviously, the winners are celebrating not wisely, but too well...'" "Oh, well." "They're in good company if the winner's gone missing as well." "Maybe all the Israelis have been kidnapped by them..." "Shite Muslims." "Mate... if you ever change your mind about... you know where I am." "I'll, um I'll bear that in mind." "MAN KNOCKING AT DOOR:" "Dana!" "Huh!" "When I was a little boy in Jerusalem," "I always knew I was destined for greatness." "Did you live in a kebab?" "Kibbutz." "You two one day will be fabulous." "I can sense it." "Here." "This is my card." "If ever you're in trouble, if you ever need a friend, someone to talk to, give me a call, OK?" "Oh!" "Mmm!" "Mwah!" "Sweet boys!" "Mmm!" "How do I look?" "BOTH:" "Fabulous." "MAN KNOCKING:" "Dana!" "I'm ready for my close-up, Mr Magoo!" "It's DeMille." "Is it?" "DANA KNOCKING:" "Justin?" "Justin!" "PHONE RECORDING: 'If you've been raped, press 2." "'For light muggings and burglaries, press 3." "'If your teenage son has run away from home, press 4.'" "Oh." "MUZAK PLAYS" "On hold again!" "WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "'Thank you!" "'" "'I knew I should have worn my Jean-Paul Gaultier.'" "How do we get out?" "Sod that." "How do we get in to see her for a bit?" "What's up here?" "MUSIC: "Diva" by Dana International" "Debbie, look!" "What?" "Back of the stage." "Look." "They're there." "My son rocks!" "Ooh!" "LAUGHS" "Miss International?" "Er...it's me, Simon." "We met in that toilet?" "I've never seen you before in my life!" "Keep away from me!" "No, Miss International..." "Miss International!" "Simon?" "♪ Don't let them go" "♪ Don't let them go" "♪ Take a beautiful dream and let it show" "♪ Don't let them go" "♪ Don't let them go"