"Being at Home with Claude." "You don't think that I would prefer to be at home watching television and not with a fag who slits peoples throats?" "You think that I don't have anything better to do in life?" "After the park Where were you?" " I have already told you twelve times!" " Repeat it to me." "I Will say it again for the last time!" "Tape it, film it." "Put a liner on the mark." "Are you in charge of this or him?" "Already full!" " Kid, I advise you..." " Don't call me kid!" "You called me and I came." "You have told me your absurd story." "Now fulfill that promise and allow me to do my work." "Tell me everything!" "But I have told you everything." "How much more do you want to know?" "Your name." " I won't tell you." "Begin." "After the park..." " From the beginning." "Yes?" "Excuse me." "The judge says that it will arrive within an hour." "Very well... very well,talk!" "Come on." "After leaving the house I took the metro." "Had to be nine o'clock." "Went as far as Bonaventure." "Came out and I started to walk to the harbour." "When I arrived I went west." "I was walking for an hour." "When I woke up..." "When I awoke I was sitting at the look-out in Westmount." "My head hurt like when you fall asleep in the bath." "You fall asleep but you know that you are in the bath." "The dream is similar." "Suddenly, I woke up at the look-out..." "I was dreaming and at the same time didn't know it." "I went walking." "That's everything!" "Stop hallucinating." "We only have one hour." "Talk." "But what confession am I making?" "I didn't cut his throat... for money or because he bothered me." "Why then?" "I was walking but I didn't know why." "I Knew why I was Walking but didn't want to think about it." "What were you thinking of?" "Other times it happened that way." "When?" "Other times when I felt..." "When I felt very wasted." "I liked to go for long walks." "I felt wasted and couldn't sleep." "You were sitting at the lookout..." "And...?" " I was afraid." " Of what?" "Of what you were afraid?" "If you were afraid, why did you call us?" "Why didn't you disappear?" "Why did you call the police and say... there was a corpse in a house on Casgrain Street?" "Why did you call an hour later to confess to the crime?" "If you are afraid, why tell us where you are... to force us to come?" "How did you get Judge Delarme's keys?" "Why demand that we come here?" "Why call the newspaper?" "Why don't you want to tell us your name?" "Go on." "When I woke up I didn't believe it." "The same as when you are with somebody..." "You think that you have already lived that moment." "That you have told that person... and that you have already dreamt that you have told him." "The other one is not sure." "As if it were the same thing." "I had walked more than one hour..." "I was sitting at the lookout... and meanwhile I remembered something I wasn't sure I had done and then waking up thinking it was impossible." "Could not be..." "Can't you get him out of here?" "Why?" "He listens to everything, doesn't speak, doesn't make a noise." "And if he speaks, you don't listen to him anyway." "If he leaves will you tell me your name and why you killed him?" "Tell me what we're doing here?" "And tell me how to get it without a scandal." "Bring me another coffee, Guy." " Do you want one?" " No, thank you." "The bar to the side it should be open." "Go and wait outside until I call you." "Something new?" "Nothing at the moment." "Maybe later." "I felt a fresh breeze and I had a feeling it was going to rain." "I no longer new in what street I was." "Anyway, next to the one on Sherbrooke." "I was heading to the mountain when I stopped." "For what reason?" "What do you think is done on the mountain at night in the month of July?" " I must know." " Don't make fun of me?" " Come clean about it." " Fucking." "Satisfied?" "Why the hell do you wanna go fuck on the mountain... only one and a half hour after you killed the guy?" "Why did you call us?" " I didn't call." " Then what am I here for?" " Not immediately." "I called two days later after..." "After what?" " After him." "Before..." "I called him." " Who?" "You won't tell us his name either?" "Why did you call him if you knew that he was dead?" " I wasn't sure." " How's didn't you know?" "I thought that it had been a dream." " You believed that it had been a dream and you called him." " Not right away." " Then when?" "I was sitting at the lookout..." "I was looking at the houses..." "I like the houses in Westmount." "I always dreamt of being rich." "My father was rich when he was a kid and he told me stories of when he was rich." "My grandparents used to tell me stories about that too." "Christmas, Easter..." "when they had parties at home." "A room full of Louis XIV furniture." "My grandfather built the house." "He sold it to my great-grandfather after losing his fortune." "Then they moved to the second floor." "It looked like the cave of Alí Babá." "They had lots of of things... silverware, paintings and china..." "Westmont?" "Yes." "They lived in Westmount when they were rich." "You were at the lookout in Westmount." "As I was looking at the houses." "People were watching television." "Why did you call his house?" "The guy..." " Hey!" " What?" "Can't say his name." " What?" " His name!" " You called him." " Yes." "And later?" "I told you a thousand times." "I took a walk." "Caught the metro." "Yes, I caught the metro and I walked to the lookout!" "I woke up." "And I looked at the houses of the rich." "The image that had been in my head seemed impossible." "I started to run." "I ran down the hill like a madman all the way to the forum." "Ran like a lunatic... as if I could prevent a catastrophe." " Until the Fórum..." " Yes." "What did the street look like where you stopped?" " Was it straight or curved?" " I don't understand..." "Tell me about the street, not the houses!" "It was on a hill with a circle at the top." "The cars going by had to turn right." "Uphill?" " Were you above Sherbrooke?" " Yes." "You said cars went by." "I remember a white Mercedes going by slowly." "The guy was looking for an address." "Did traffic go up and down hill bothways?" "He went up, but it was two-way." "Landsdown." "Never mind." "Then?" " I ran to the Fórum." " All the way?" " A good distance." " It can be." " Always running?" " Yes." " How many blocks?" " I dunno!" " Were you running along Sherbrooke?" " I guess." "Yes or no?" "What difference does it make that I ran... along Sherbrooke or St. Catherines?" "It does." "So answer." "Look at me in the eyes!" "Now listen." "It's Monday morning." "I got here at 1a. m." "Sunday." "You called to get us here and... you promised those reporters a scoop." "You told them some shit was gonna hit the fan at the courthouse - but it's you whose in the shit!" "And it's my turn to push." "You called us about a body in a flat on Gasgrain then called back to say you did it, that you were here and to hurry." "cause the papers were on the way, right?" "Yeah?" "I'll get your coffee." "Your birthday's coming up." "How did you know that?" "Yves." "Beautiful name." "Does your sister know you hustle?" "Take us for idiots while you jerk us around and turn the city inside out?" "Washing your dirty laundry while we try to find out your name?" "I'm not jerking you, I'm here." "So what do you want?" "The autopsy says that he died July 1st between 9 and 11 p. m." "You called us the night of the 3rd." "What did you do in between?" "I'm telling you." "Shut up and let me talk." "I want to know where you went." "I want to know why you killed him?" "Who you are, where you come from and what you do?" "All I get out of you is garbage and I have a feeling that for 36 hours you've been laughing in our faces." "I hate that." "Do you understand it?" "I hate that!" "Question:" "last name?" "Answer: won't tell." "Question: first name?" "Answer: won't tell." "Age?" "No answer." "None of your business" "I killed him." "Ain't the enough?" "So kiss my ass!" "How'd you get in here?" "Answer:" "It's your job to find out." "Question:" "What do you do?" "Answer:" "I fuck." "For money?" "Answer:" "It's a living ain't it?" "Question:" "Where do you hang out?" "In the park at the fountain?" "He doesn't respond." "Now we see it's Portuguese Square." "Fuck!" "That's not laughing at us?" "Who cares where I'm from?" "Won't tell us his name." "Think we're jerks?" "It's all in the apartment- his passport, lease, medicare card." "Think we'd just quietly pick him up scrub the floor and lock the door?" "Think you're James Bond?" "Just what are you up to?" "You have no criminal record." "How do you know?" "Don't leave a cup with your prints where a cop can get it if you don't want us checking prints, you moron." "He didn't have drugs or alcohol in his blood, but he died fucking a guy." "Wasn't raped because he came too." "Clothes all over the place... but nothing was torn." "Your fingerprints everywhere... 'cept on the steak knife that killed him" "cause you can't lift prints of a wooden handle." "Some of your johns say your okay... maybe a bit reckless at times." "Others aren't so complimentary." "You don't know any of my johns." "Next time you don't kill a literature student who writes everyday in his diary how weird it is to sleep with a pro." "And when you tell the cops to meet you in a Judge's office in the middle of the night, on a weekend with 250,000 tourists in town for the Jazz Festival, don't leave your jean jacket hanging around" "with AVAILABLE written on it in deglo." "How long did you know him?" "Why did you slit his throat in the kitchen?" "Isn't that in his diary?" "He hardly talks about sex." ""cept that it's been nearly a month." "One month?" "Yes." "For a month he mentions you on every page." "Are you surprised?" " No..." "Let us begin again and make it quick." "Your name's Yves." "His was Claude." "On Thursday July 1st, you left the Square between 6:30 and 7 o'clock." "Nobody knows why." "There were lots of johns." "Maybe you were on a call." "Nobody saw you after midnight." "You were seen at the Lorelei... and the Bull and in the Rocambole." "You wouldn't speak to anybody." "They thought you'd struck it rich or you'd drop acid or mescaline." "You were so hyper they thought that you'd lift off into the air." "Then you went back to the square." "It started to rain." "No one knows if you scored or not." "You said you did twice." "You vanished until Saturday night." "Regular lays - not a client, but another pro tried to call you 20 times but you didn't answer." "He dropped by your house on Saturday but nobody answered." "He had no idea where you were and he had never heard of him..." "Claude!" "..." "Nobody ever heard of him." "Saturday at 11:30... someone called the police to report a body at 8574 Casgrain." "We arrive to find a guy naked on the kitchen floor, with his throat slit." "Two plates on the table, a $15 bottle of wine and spaghetti with blood covering it, blood splattered everywhere." "The lab says the spaghetti was cold when the blood hit it." "He was 22 years old from Ste-Foy." "Came here 2 years ago and lived alone." "Studied literature at the University of Montreal." "Was a member of the PQ." "His girlfriend works for them." "She almost fainted when we visited her." " His what?" " His girlfriend." "Liar!" "You're stringing me along." "That's your game." "Want to speak?" "Let's finish this in my office." "It's not true, can't be!" "Lotsa guys have girlfriends." "We have his prints and those of two others." "Yours and the girlfriend's." "She said, "Tell the guy who did this that he's a sick bastard. "" "I won't disagree with her and you'd better not." "Got your prints off the coffee we ordered." " What's her name?" " Who?" "The girl!" "You don't ask the questions, you answer them." "Starting from now on." "So shut your big mouth." " Her name!" " Shut up!" "So you didn't know him well enough to know he had a girlfriend?" "At 12:45 a. m. the same person calls about the body." "That's you." "You say you're in Judge Delome's office that you killed him and you'll wait for us here and don't try to get you out by force because you've called some hack at the newspaper who'll not leak anything if we play clean." "But if anything happens, the Judge is sunk." "All we know is you got the key and got in here and if we try to muzzle the reporter or photographer you'll scream police brutality." "Timings great with all those tourists in town." "Thought of this yourself?" "We've got until 5 o'clock to feed them a story." "The front page for today is already full but they need something juicy for tomorrow morning." "A judge is really tempting." "Your sense of timing is great." "Just what is it you're after?" "Why not ask the judge?" "Say that again and I'll unscrew your head!" "Can't figure out why you've put us in this mess." "Can't figure out why you wanted to rub out that schoolboy." "Good looking." "Educated." "What was he doing with an asshole like you?" "He didn't do drugs." "Didn't cruise." "Drank $15 bottles of wine." "The neighbors were stunned when they saw him being wheeled out into the ambulance." "What were you doing Canada Day with a guy like that who used to cook 3 meals a week for the old lady downstairs?" "We know you'd being seeing him for a month." "But we don't know why." "And that after the 1st... after June the first... he writes about Yves on every page." " You said every page." " Who gives a damn?" "Was he writing a book about you?" "When we asked his girl if he slept with men she screamed so hard like her jaw was gonna come unhinged." "We didn't dare ask her more." "Latreille!" "He needs to pee." "No I..." " Get out!" "Dial 9 for a line out?" " Yeah, that's right." "Hello?" "Hello..." "How are you?" "Yes..." "Who told you?" "Dupras?" "I don't Know." "Will you be home for supper?" "I don't know how long this will take." "I'll know by 5 or so." "What is it?" " I already told you." "Are there any complications?" " No, nothing's wrong." "Are you sure?" " Yes." "Give me the number there so that I can locate you." "Don't call." "I'll call before leaving if I can." "Why you don't give me the number?" "I'm not able to." " Why?" "You have to go through an operator." "You're not in Montreal?" " Yes, what do you think?" "Sure everything is okay?" " Yes, don't worry." "Call Duprain or his assistant if you need anything." "He will find me." "See you later." " A kiss." "Why did you rip out your doorbell and phone?" "I didn't want anyone to bother me." " I don't doubt it." "But why?" "Did it when you got home?" " No." "When, then?" " On Friday morning." "Friday, what time?" " I don't remember!" "Why don't you remember?" " It's all a blur." "You think so." " I woke up around 9 o'clock." "When did you return?" " At 5 thirty or 6." "Came home directly?" " What do you mean?" "Didn't you stop to eat?" " I wasn't hungry." "Wasn't Hungry." "Did you go back crusing?" " Yes." "Why didn't your john drive you home?" "Was it the first time with him?" "Not with him." "After he comes he's always ashamed." "He gets angry." "Throws me money and kicks me out." "How long did it take you to walk home?" " About 15 minutes." "Were you tired?" " No, but I had a headache." "Walk quickly?" " No." "15 minutes to your house?" "Where does he live?" "Won't tell?" "I got home at 5:30." "It had rained and the air felt fresh." "The sky was clear and the air felt so cool." "Did you go to bed at once?" " Yes." "Were you stoned?" " Why do you ask me that?" "Just answer!" " No I wasn't stoned!" "Did you fall asleep at once?" " No!" "When did you fall asleep?" " Maybe a half hour later." "And did you wake up at 9 o'clock?" " Maybe 9:30." "I didn't notice." "My clock is ahead and I'm not always sure what time it is... so I look at the hands and take a guess." "Okay, so you woke up between 9 and 9:30 maybe." "Is that 9a. m.?" " Yes." "Sure?" " Yes!" "And the day before at what time?" " At noon." "So from noon on Thursday to 6a. m. on Friday" "I'm talking to you!" "What?" "Did you sleep between noon... and 6a. m. on Friday?" "Hardly any." "Meaning?" " No, I didn't sleep!" "So you couldn't sleep when you went to bed a 6 o'clock?" "Yes, it happens to me a lot in summer." "The light doesn't allow me to fall asleep." "Try smoking a joint?" " Sometimes." "But not that morning!" "Why?" " Because I didn't want to." "I washed my face and I went to bed." "That's everything?" " Yes." "No, I read a little." " What?" "A book that a friend lent me." "But I was too tired." "So I left it and I counted sheep." "And then you fell asleep?" " Yes." "It didn't take long." "What's the book about?" "Do you remember the title?" "I told you I was too tired to read!" "And you woke up at 9 o'clock." " Yes." "Not long for a guy too tired to read at 7 o'clock." "Did the phone ring?" "I told you I just woke up!" "Yeah, but you didn't say you'd ripped out the phone and no one could reach you because you'd also ripped out the doorbell." "I woke up with a stomach ache." "What kind of pain?" "Like I had a metal bar in me and it hurt real bad." "Guess I rolled over and it hurt so bad, I woke up." "I felt more tired than when I had gone to bed." "I didn't know why, I was drooling and felt very sick." "I couldn't concentrate on anything." "I had all these images floating in my head." "But I'm not crazy!" "Don't get angry." "I didn't say anything." "But you'd grab at any reason to tell those reporters I'm crazy." "what else?" " I can't think anymore, I'm tired!" "Does your stomach still hurt?" " It's okay." "So you pulled out the phone again when you woke up?" "No." "I went to bed again and fell asleep and had the same dream." "But I just got more tired." "I woke up moaning." "How come?" "It's difficult to explain." "I woke up but didn't know... if I'd woken up before and if I was dreaming or not." "My stomach hurt me more and more." "I couldn't take it so I called him." "Who?" " Him!" "And then...?" "...and then?" " Then nothing." "I slept again, got up and went to bed again... until Saturday night." " What time?" "I don't know." "The clock had stopped." "I didn't even know it was Saturday." "Didn't know." "Didn't give a shit!" "But you'd noticed the clock had stopped?" "Only around 11 o'clock." "You didn't go out all that time?" "And on Saturday night?" " No." "Didn't you eat?" " At my place." "Yesterday you told us that you never eat in your house." "Maybe I found something to eat." "But your refrigerator is empty and there's nothing in your garbage but kleenex and a few torn newspapers." "I told you I didn't eat because my stomach hurt!" "Was it from the drugs?" " No." "What made you sick?" " I dunno." "And at 11 o'clock?" " I had to leave." "I took a shower, I went for a hotdog and I called to you." "Then the reporter at home and at work." "Came here, met the reporter and the photographer and then I called to you again." "You had the reporter's home number?" " Yes." "How is that?" " Can't say." "Gave you his office number too?" "Maybe I looked it up." "I do know how to read." "Why don't you want a lawyer?" " I don't need one." "Who said the judge can bury this?" "I didn't." " Nah." "Just that you'd killed a guy and you wouldn't leave here until the judge arrived and the reporters are your security." "And that doesn't stink of blackmail, huh?" "Why do you have to fit all the pieces together?" "I said I did it." "What more do you need?" "You that dumb?" " Ask the judge." "I've heard some crazy stories, but this... a guy with no link to the victim instead of keeping quiet he blackmails a judge to get him off after he's surrendered!" "Doesn't give his or the dead guy's name and won't tell us why he did it." "So which one of us is crazy?" "I'm suppose to start a vacation tonight so let's go over it again." "Not again!" " Let's hear it." "You left the house at..." " Nine!" "Where'd you go later?" " I caught the metro to Bonaventure." "Walked until I reached Westmount!" "Then what?" " I started to run!" "Where?" " To the Forum!" "At 10:30p. m. on Canada Day?" "To phone!" "You ran all the way to call from the Forum when you must have passed 40 booths?" "Yes." "No." "I dunno anymore!" "I's true." "Doesn't make sense now but it did then." "You were at the Forum, and then?" " But it was closed." "I called his place from a booth." "No answer." "I hung up and called again." "What number?" " You know." "I walked along Saint Cathereines there were lots of people shouting and waving flags." "It felt like after a good film." "I didn't want to walk cause I'll forget the images in my head." "But I imagined it was a police movie I was in." "Remembering the worse scene." "So I did what I always do after a film," "I walked towards the Square where I had first met him." "So you met him." "Great!" "So you knew him?" " Yes!" "Finally!" "When'd you meet him, the night before June 1st?" "I didn't want to stay at the Bull for the parade." "What parade?" "Just before closing, when everyone washes up in the can and then lines up at the doors so they won't see anyone leaving alone." "I call it the parade." "I didn't want to watch it that night." "Didn't feel like going home to bed." "C'mon Claude, move your ass!" "Like the merchandise?" "Why don't you come with me?" "I'll show you a good time!" "Sit down." "Guess you know Montreal, huh?" "What do you want to know?" "Where to go on weekends." "I am from Quebec, so..." "The Park of Mount Royale." "Then I went back to the square." "I knew something would happen." "Didn't know what but..." "I felt I had to go back." "Anyway, there in the bedroom with him." "I knew I couldn't be a chicken anymore." "Stop staring at me." "I think when you went to see him on Thursday night you were stoned." "Completely ripped." "You got into a fight because he's a rich kid from Quebec and you do the square for money and Westmount for kicks." "I think you got into a fight and you went berserk cause he wanted to dump you." "Killed him, didn't know what you were doing." "Went home to hide in your house and when you came down you were scared." "Scared shitless." "You figure you can get away with it by pretending your crazy and calling the newspaper, stealing the judge's keys... where'd you get them?" "Let me guess." "From his pants?" "Great way to blackmail a trick, huh?" "Take them before or after killing your friend?" "After." "The judge can't call the cops cause you figure if he does he's crooked." "So you call him and say, "Either you hush this up or I call the press and show them the keys. "" "Was that your plan?" " No." "No!" "No what?" "Will you fuckin' tell me?" "I've been doing this for 30 years, see 10, 15 kids a day like you, some do it to pay for school and others cause there hooked on drugs or booze." "Some do it cause there hungry and some for kicks." "There's many types." "I've seen them all." "Short and tall, fat and skinny." "50 year olds who'd scare the hell out of you." "Some nights I wake up in a sweat and think I can smell them." "Life is hard and some fools have few oppurtunities." "So spit it out!" "Skip the profound speeches and your ideas on the topic." "They don't impress me anyway." "I'll tell you another thing." "Something I haven't told anyone" "Sometimes, sitting behind my office desk, facing them..." "I look at them and feel like crying." "Sometimes, if Guy didn't write it down" "I wouldn't remember what they'd said up to 10 minutes at a time." "Takes all I've got to get from standing up kicking Guy out, and taking them in my arms." "I've seen a lot of kids." "Every type." "But I hope to never see another one like you in my goddamn life!" "Do you hear me?" "cause I've never seen anything as disgusting as you!" "Don't think I won't wreck your little scheme." "But I will if it's the last thing I do." "Il prove you stole those keys even if I have to lie to protect the judge." "Not because he's a pal or I stand to gain or even because I'm worried about my ass." "But to shut you up and take you out of circulation." "I'm willing to do anything." "Hear me?" "Anything!" "But I'm gonna get you." "You can count on it!" "Let's try this for starters." "The reporters will never see you." "Guy!" "Guy!" "Send the reporters down the hall." "Wait!" "Have the judge use the back door." "Make sure the photographer doesn't see him and then come back here." "It may not work." "I'm too tired to think." "But Ill find something, believe you me!" "I was stoned." "Worse still." "I was in love." "Never felt so lousy in my life... never felt so lost." "I called him to say I was coming to see him." "I'd had a good day and wanted to invite him to dinner." "Nothing fancy." "Just to eat at the Saint Denis or Chez Gabrielle." "Then go home and make love." ""Recharging my batteries" I called it." "After laying in his arms nothing bad could happen to me." "Yeah, you're right." "He was a rich kid and I worked the square." "But he never mentioned it." "It's true I often went cruising after being with him." "I'm addicted." "Do you understand that?" "Can you understand?" "You can, but you don't want to." "If you did you couldn't go on doing your job." "You see, I understand too." "It's true that husting and cruising and being in love is all the same thing." "It's just not easy for people to understand." "Using your ass is like using your head." "Some people were born to watch TV others write and it's beautiful." "They're never laughed at." "Fuckin's the same." "It's a gift." "You've got it or you don't." "Me." "I like it anyway it comes." "Hustling's a job and don't want most johns to even touch me." "Others, I want." "Never asked myself why some and not others." "It's not because they're the richest or even the most handsome." "With some I won't get undressed." "Others I spend the night with." "Same price." "But they're clients." "I never forget the bill no matter how nice they are." "The mountain is different." "I'm the one who choses." "I can change my mind and stop." "It's outdoors." "Just before dawn the birds start to sing and it's beautiful." "Such tranquility." "It's quiet and almost no one is around and those who are hurry" "for that one last bang before dawn." "The trails are empty." "I don't think about what will happen next." "But we're all looking for the same thing:" "a bit of fun with someone, to have some pleasure without anything in exchange." "Sometimes at the square if I've made enough money and it's early, around 1" "even if I'm stoned" "I go there and walk, making up stories." "Cowboy movies, sometimes Robin Hood and sometimes war movies." "I'm behind enemy lines, the last survivor" "I walk without making a sound and nobody sees or hears me." "Sometimes it's a horror film." "I lean against a tree and let it run, 'till the bad part ends." "Usually the picture..." "It didn't bother him that I hustled." "He understood and didn't mind me talking about it." "Sometimes, with him, just before falling asleep when I'd ask him to kill me, to end it all," "he'd take me in his arms and hug me as tight as he could, going..." "I stopped asking him that cause sometimes it made him cry." "I couldn't take that." "A guy who's coming, any guy even if he's ugly - it's so beautiful." "But him even more so." "It was like our first sunrise." "I hate it when a guy cries." "Don't know what to do." "But him, when it was because of me, it was unbearable." "I'd wished I'd never been born." "He'd tell me stories, all kinds..." "Little Red Riding Hood, Hansel and Gretel... his voice was like I dunno... just right." "With that voice he could tell me the recipe for a carrot cake." "Once read me a book... "Claudel. "" "It was lying by the bed." "He said, "wait I'll read you something. "" "He pulled away his arm, "can't read like this. "" "I was lying on him and he rolled me over, put the book on me while looking for a page." "When he found it, he leaned to kiss me," ""Goodnight. "" "Picked up the book, leaned over to kiss me again, and said" ""My love. "" "Then he started to read to me again." "I don't remember what he read, but it was the only time I fell asleep on by back." "As if I were in a mattress floating on a lake." "He lent me the book." "I couldn't get past the part he had read to me." "At one point the phone rang." "Some friends of his were going to watch the fireworks." "He was always excited after seeing them." "He'd light up all hot." "Not drunk, but all in a fever." "Took him a while to focus on me again." "He'd talk about what they'd said, but it was like someone else was talking." "At first we just fucked." "Whenever we talked, we fought." "It changed when his roommate left." "He stopped telling me about his meetings with friends." "Let me know when you've had enough." "I'll shut up." "That night when he hung up, he wasn't different like all the other times." "I think for a few seconds or minutes the dream I stood for was important than his friends." "Instead of leaving me while he was on the phone, he stayed with me." "I don't mean in the kitchen where the phone is," "I mean with me in his head." "He didn't have to focus on me like a stranger like the other times before." "He talked to them the same way he talked to me." "Looking at me, he told them he was really busy." "I started to sweat." "I felt hot, shivery." "Didn't know what to do." "Said he'd call them back." "I think they'd planned to do something together and he'd changed his mind." "The girl on the phone sounded pissed off and I think she hung up on him." "After, he asked me if he could meet my friends." "I said I'd never thought about it." "He knew I was lying." "I'd never thought about it because I never thought we would last." "Until I heard him on the phone." "Because of his voice, his hands, his skin, his eyes." "Even though we'd been together for a month he understood." "Told me he felt the same way and he didn't want to mix different things." "He knew he had to make a choice and he thought he'd just made it." "I don't know how to explain." "You don't have to believe me" "I just want you to understand he wasn't asking me to do the same." "He wasn't asking me anything." "We kissed each other again... and made love." "The only time in my life where I really did it." "I know it sounds corny, he's me and I'm him." "But it's true, it exists." "I don't know how to explain it but we were like one person." "I wasn't holding him - there was no difference between us." "Can't talk about it without sounding mushy." "The words are worn out." "You can't crank them out." "I don't even know if he could have." "I don't remember thinking of doing this or that to him." "It just happened." "We weren't lying next to the table, we weren't touching the ground." "You see?" "You see there's no way." "Why don't words work?" "That's what they taught us in school." "You know?" "A word for each thing and each thing has a word." "Learn how to conjugate the verbs and to use the complement." "When you say it everybody understands it." "Forget the guys who spend their time writing." "It's all frills." "Easy." "They get complimented." "Say what you have to say." "Why am I so blocked if it is so simple?" "Why don't you understand?" "Why doesn't it fit?" "When I try to describe it, it sounds like a trip." "But I wasn't stoned." "Hadn't even opened the bottle of wine." "I hadn't smoked." "I hadn't smoked for a while." "Not smoked from noon." "We were twisting, rolling around." "Someone moaned, don't know if it was him or me." "I was like a yoyo, like a..." "I dunno." "Felt like I was going to turn inside out." "Just as we were gonna come, we stopped, held each other tightly together." "We burst out laughing and flipped over." "There's nothing we didn't do." "Then suddenly..." "I don't know what happened." "We must have given the table a shove." "I don't know." "Some things fell to the floor." "I think we broke a glass or a plate no, a glass." "The plates stayed on the table." "A knife fell in front of me, a few inches from his head." "We started again." "We were gonna come for sure." "Felt it in every part of my body." "Thought I was about to explode." "I knew it was the same for him." "At that same time, some images flashed before my eyes." "As real as his skin... our screams, his hands and the sound of falling glass." "Pow!" "All at the same time." "The same place." "They say you see your life flash before you when you die, but it was like I was being born." "I saw what was before me." "Like I was alive in an earthquake." "He was so beautiful, large so... everything." "We were naked." "It felt beautiful." "He was like fur and like rock." "He made me as beautiful as him." "He transfigured me." "It was like nothing else." "And one second later... didn't know if it was in my head or ass." "And the next second... that same moment when the knife fell, that very instant, I heard it." "We came." "Together." "Not me, not him." "Both of us." "I saw the two of us." "Me going back to my johns, or deciding not to and him fighting with his friends." "How long would we have been able to hold on?" "How long?" "You called me an asshole before." "Think I feel insulted?" "Think I don't know why you said it?" "Think I don't know how you wanted me to feel?" "You think it's the first time I've been called that?" "Know what it's like to fuck a guy who's tall and fat with greasy hair, pimples and a drunkard's nose?" "Knowing he was handsome once and it's not just age that's made him this way." "The marriage, the kids, the job" "You're scared he's gonna have a heart attack as he jumps on you like a tiger." "It puffs, it pushes, it roars and sweats." "His eyes as big as a kid a Christmas." "He can't believe it." "He wants more!" "But he comes after two minutes." "Later the fear sets in." "Fear of getting caught." "His job, wife, kids and the pension." "Fearing the world'll find out he's a fag." "He tries to collect himself while I piss." "Doesn't know where to hide." "Can't even get his pants on." "He sees his real life heading straight back at him." "Thinks it's a moment of weakness, that's all." "Sees his work, his wife, his kids, the two houses and the big car." "He nearly promised them to me before." "But that was then... he feels like after an epileptic fit." "He came." "It's over." "He won't do it again." "Then he gets angry." "Tosses your clothes at the door and throws you the money." "Comes over to the bathroom and he can't stop himself and screams," ""Get out!" "Get out you dirty scum!"" ""You hear me, get out!"" "And... if you're fool enough to tell anyone, a pal... what you thought while you were on the can." "That maybe this time he'll be nice to you because you know and you know that he knows it," "that if he does throw a fit... you'll never give him a kiss and go for a walk with him again." "Give him the one thing in life that he can't have." "If you're stupid enough to tell anyone they'll call you naive." "Naive." "How can you spend 10 minutes making love with someone just once and not know what's killing them?" "How can you do 5 guys a day and not want to get involved?" "How?" "It's my job to get involved." "The only way I can, with my ass." "If all I've got is my ass, then fuck." "That's how I'll get involved." "And him... in his eyes..." "Claude's..." "I saw what tore him apart." "What we suddenly understood." "That's why we kept stopping before coming." "15 times." "Each time it went up a notch and kept going." "And when the glass hit the floor... in that second I knew I had to do something." "That we couldn't leave the house like before." "We musn't try to keep going." "Musn't." "What's real is him shouting, crying for joy in my arms." "I felt like I was drowning, then finally, I could breathe." "I was drowning in him, with him." "But the rest of the world... the opposite of what was happening to us was shit." "I know in the real world you have to take everything, not just the beauty." "There is shit too." "Cost me a lot to learn that." "But I wasn't thinking of anything else, I was there." "Just there." "We couldn't hide away to live this great love... and we couldn't have this again to deal with in the real world." "Suddenly, I notice that I had a knife in my hand." "Don't know how, but..." "I could feel myself going off." "Both sides ready to explode." "I heard us scream and then suddenly we were drowning." "I heard the scream again and saw his throat." "I heard bubbles like in a milkshake, and then just as I was drowning and exploding," "I saw we'd never leave this place again." "The knife gone and I screamed." "He was coming and his blood splattered the walls, the fridge, the stove, the tables and I kissed him all over, kissed the wound on his throat and tasted his blood." "It was all over me!" "He was shuddering, arching and trembling just like me." "I looked at him." "He was beautiful." "He wasn't holding his throat." "I was worried it had hurt, but I'm sure it didn't." "No, he was smiling." "His arms were spread out." "He couldn't hold his throat, he was holding onto me." "I just hope... he didn't see the images I did." "I just hope that he was being born without seeing the other side of" "the coin." "I closed his eyes." "I couldn't even do that for my dad because I wasn't there when he died." "My mother either, she died alone." "My brother, him... my second... my reflection" "him yes." "I closed his eyes." "He died from pleasure, without having to spend his days in shit." "I loved him." "I told you this because nothing means anything." "Only him." "The memory of him means something." "I never thought about it but in killing him," "I killed myself." "That's what I wanted." "Now, while waiting to die... he's alive in me." "Like no one else knew him nobody in the world" "only me." "But now it's all coming apart." "So, before the memory of him unravels" "I'm giving up." "When you were yelling at me" "I realized that since deciding to come here Saturday night" "I felt like in a fever."