"NARRATOR:" "Previously on What Would Sal do?" "Anyway, Nicole, as I was saying my retainer is for typical new clients." "But I don't see anything typical about you." "So how did we do financially?" " I think you actually lost money." " Oh." "Listen, I don't need you believing this shit too, okay?" " I'm not..." " Just so..." "Don't." " I'm not." " Don't do it." "Don't want it." " I'm a non-believer." " Good." "Just stay away from Joe." "Leena, Joe is not interested in me anymore." "It's not Joe I'm worried about." "My stepdad actually loved tigers." "Yeah." "And he molested me." "Things are looking up around here, I can feel it." "(STATUE SHATTERING)" "Daryl and I are moving in together." "You're making a big mistake, Daryl's a fuck-face goof-shit!" "(WHISPERING) What the fuck?" "(MOANING)" "(MOANING)" "(GASPING)" "(MOANING)" "(PHONE RINGING)" "(MOANING)" "(SIGHING)" "(PHONE RINGING)" "Holy mackerel." "ANSWERING MACHINE:" "Hey, you've reached Leena." "I'm not available, leave a message." "(BEEPING)" "Holy fuck." "(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)" "Subtitle by peritta" "Father Luke, what's going on?" "Ah, boys, thanks for coming so quickly." "What's the emergency?" "Not emergency, opportunity." "Maybe the biggest of my career." "Bishop Galloway's coming and I'm pretty sure he's bringing the letter of recommendation for Bishop." "Speaking of opportunities," "Sal's killin' it with the good deeds." "Tell him what we did yesterday." "Yeah, yeah, so I was buying my Proline tickets, right?" "And these two kids come up to me and they ask if I can buy them some vodka." " Now I know, that's illegal." " Good." " So, I tell 'em, "Fuck yeah."" " No." "I call Vince up, I say, "Get out of your exam, buddy."" "I told them I had lupus." "I hope I don't have lupus." "Anyways, we put them into Vince's car and we drive them to this remote field." " So kidnapping?" " No, no..." "'Cause if they wanna get into your trunk, that's not kidnapping." "Why would they want to get in your trunk?" "These kids wanted vodka so bad we could've made them to anything." "So we drove them into this remote field, made them drink a bunch of vodka, and watched them stumble around and puke their brains out for like a fucking hour." "How is this anything?" "Jesus turned water into wine," "I turned vodka into a lesson." "How do you not see that?" " I see that." " Okay." "You wanna do a good deed?" "An actual good deed?" "Help me get Jesus down off that cross." "Bishop Galloway cannot see that he has a broken face." "Well look, I kinda like him better without the face, anyways." "He looks less dying." "Guys, I really need your help." "I have so much to do." "I haven't even written my sermon yet." "I can't even stick around." "I gotta take my uncle for a haircut." "Yeah, I was gonna do the Vince's uncle haircut thing too." "Sal, I really need you here." "Relax, when I'm full of Jesus," "I'm gonna haunt Big-shit Galloway into giving you his job." "(SIGHS)" "Nice save, Chooch." "Oh, that wasn't a save." "I actually have to grab my uncle." "Oh, gross." "Yeah, it's his yearly surprise party so they make me kill time with him until they're ready." "Man, that sounds boring as fuck." "Yeah, that's why they make me do it." "Can I say something about your family?" "With love, of course." " Sure." " They're cunts." " Yeah." " Yeah." "I mean, they treat you like the kid who counts steamboats in football." "He's a useless piece of shit but you have to make him feel included." "You always made me count steamboats in football." "And you were great at it." "Look, I'm just happy you're coming with me." "Oh, no, no, no." "I'm not going." "I was just saying that to get out of helping." " No, you gotta come." " I'm not going." "You know how hard it is for me to be alone with my family, please." "I'll owe you." "You don't have to owe me, but um..." "I'll take 20 bucks." " Money up front?" " That's the policy." " You don't any new twenties in there?" " Uh..." " Yeah, I'll trade it in..." " I'll hold on to this one until then, okay?" " I love those new twenties." " Yeah, sure." "Hey, how old's your uncle?" "I lost count but he's old." "If I ever get so old that I have to shit in a bag," "I'm gonna need you to end me, okay?" "What about a grocery bag?" "What do you mean, "What about a grocery bag?"" "Like, if I'm in public and I can't find a toilet but I have to take a shit, and I've got a grocery bag, I'll shit in that bag." "Where would you be where you can't find a public toilet but you have a grocery bag?" " Camping." " Camping you just shit on the ground." "No. (SNIFFING)" "Yeah, you do." "It's the outdoors, you just shit on the ground." "Take nothing but a picture, leave nothing but a footprint." "I'm not gonna lie to you." "That's fucking beautiful." "What's that from?" "Let's get this over with." "VINCE:" "Oh, hey." "Let me help you in the car." "I can still walk." " There you go." " Jack off." " You remember Sal?" " Yo." "He's gonna come with us." "I thought we'd take you for a nice fresh haircut." " Oh, let's cut the shit, Victor." " Vince." "We do this every year." "It's a surprise party." "I know it." "I hate it." "It's the worst day of my year, every year." "I'm old and dying and lonely." "What the fuck is there to celebrate?" "Hey, do you shit in a bag?" "Only if I'm camping." "Take nothing but a picture, right." "What's wrong with him?" "Let's go, we should go." "You wanna do something nice for me?" "Let's go to the bar." "One drink." "Let me feel alive again." "More alive than a nice fresh haircut?" "Vince, come here." "Come here, come here, come here." "(WHISPERING) Absolutely fucking not." "Did you hear what he just said?" "He wants to feel alive again." "So what do you think that is?" " Shit." " I think that's a sign." " Okay, well I want my 20 bucks back." " What's my policy?" "No returns, refunds or take backs." " So my hands are tied." " Okay." " One drink." " We'll play that by ear." " HAROLD:" "I'm shotgun." " Fuck, you were supposed to get in the back." "HAROLD:" "You get in the back." "Before your lungs... (PHONE RINGING)" " Hello." " LEENA:" "Maria, it's Leena." "What are you doing?" "Leena." "Hi." "Uh." "Oh, I was just um, making some food for the week." " Gonna run the vacuum over the..." " Grab your coat." "What?" "I'm gonna take you out." "I'll be there in five minutes." "But, Leena... (DIAL TONE RINGING)" "(SIRENS WAILING)" "I used to have a buddy in the army, who we called the Piss Bomb." "I have no clue what that means but I fucking love it." "He'd hold his foreskin shut while he pissed, his foreskin would balloon, like that thing on a frog's throat." "Vocal sac. (CHUCKLES)" " Is he always this much fun?" " I know, right." "Anyway, when it was at full capacity, he'd let it go and the piss would explode all over us." "(LAUGHING)" "But we were all naked in the shower, so nobody minded." "He died." "Nut cancer." "Okay." "Wanna go?" "Hey, Sal." " Do people still say, "Pussy"?" " Totally." " God, you're a pussy!" " (LAUGHING)" "HAROLD:" "Try and relax." "Be more like Sal, here." "Come on." " Oh, shit." " I'm gonna go to the bathroom." "Ah, man..." "Ah, shit." " I didn't mean to..." " He's a sensitive guy, that Vince." "Yeah, I know." "He's a good guy, too." "Yeah, he is." "He's just such a pussy, you know?" "I do." "You know what, though?" "I'm gonna uh," "I'm gonna go smooth things over with him." " Okay?" "Just make sure he's..." " I want you to know." "I haven't felt this happy since before my wife passed." " I'm glad." " She was the love of my life." "You got a girlfriend, Sal?" "(SIGHS)" "No." "No, I don't." " There's this one girl, though, but..." " But nothing." "Love's the only thing that matters, Sal." "The only thing." "I still remember the lake, it's not too far from here actually, where I first made love with my wife." " Oh." " Yeah." "Not a day goes by when I don't think about that and smile." "(SOBBING)" "I can't tell you how much I miss having my dink sucked." "Do people still say, "Dink"?" "Mmm-hmm." "We do." "Mmm-hmm." "I'm sorry about this." "It's okay. (CLEARS THROAT)" "It's okay." "Yeah, don't uh..." "Don't sweat it." "You know, I'm gonna go see how Vince is doing, okay?" "I'll just give you a minute here." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "LUKE:" "God helps those who help themselves." "Ambition..." "Uh..." "But God will not help you if you don't go for it." "That's not even in the Bible, but someone said it." "Oprah, probably." "LUKE:" "Uh..." "But..." "Uh, all boats rise with the tides." "Also not in the Bible, but Jesus was a fisherman so it's in the wheelhouse." "Ambition is not bad." "Ambition should be the cornerstone of Christian life." "Our reach should always exceed our grasp, or what is a heaven for?" "Why that's not in the Bible, I'll never understand." "So good." "So good." "But you know what is in the Bible?" "Let us pray." "You know, this salon was run by a different owner a couple of years ago." "A woman, a Korean, Chinese, one of those, you get the picture." "She was the sweetest, sweetest woman." "She was just a kind and loving, gentle soul, and she'd shuffle around with her bound little feet, bring you tea." "So I come in one day, police are everywhere." "Turns out she's using the salon for money laundering!" "You think you know somebody." "Mmm-hmm." "This is ridiculous." " What is?" " Us." "I mean, I feel like I barely know you." "I feel like we're strangers." "And I know what you're thinking." "I know." "And you're right." "It's my fault." " No." " Yes, Maria." "I've always been jealous." "You were Mom and Dad's favorite." "Their pride and joy." " Oh, that's not true." " Oh, come on." "(SCOFFING)" "And when you got pregnant, I thought," ""Okay, now they're gonna stop worshipping you." But no." "They didn't even care who the father was." "I mean, you could do no wrong." "You know?" "And me, on the other hand..." "Well, they didn't know what to do with you." "I mean, I was responsible, you were rebellious." "I was just easier." "I need to apologize for Joe." "I love him now, I do." "But I only went after him to hurt you." "That's how jealous I was." "And it's not an excuse, but I'm sorry." "Look, he didn't mean anything by it, okay?" "He doesn't know how to talk to you." "Oh, yeah, yeah..." "After years?" "He doesn't know how to talk to me but he knows how to talk to you?" " Yeah, well..." " Everybody knows how to talk to Sal." "I don't know, Harold and I, it's just..." "It's kinda what I imagine having a dad would feel like." " Really?" " Yeah." "Look, I know that you wish more than anything that you had a dad but you actually got off really easy." "You don't understand." "I know, I know you're saying that because, all the stuff your stepdad, making you run naked through sprinklers." "No." "Sal!" "No, it's not the time to talk about this." "I'll let you know when I want to talk about that." "SAL:" "Whenever you're ready, okay?" "I'm here for you." "I would like to leave." "We're on a time schedule, we have to leave." "We can't leave, yet, okay?" " Just give him one more chance, please." " One more chance for what?" "You wanna take me out there so he can call me a pussy again." "He won't call you a pussy again." "He won't." " I wanna go, okay?" " We can't go yet, I haven't done my thing." "What thing are you talking about?" "My..." "My good deed, my miracle thing." "I don't think it's happened yet." "Well, maybe this one isn't about you." "You're right." "This one's about Harold." " No." " What?" "Look, okay, it's about Harold, okay?" "And I know that I have to find something good to do for him, right?" " Shit." " It's like that guy, like Loretta and Ace." " Remember, you were telling me about..." " Sal..." "Sal..." " (GLASS SHATTERING)" " Oh shit." "Hey." "WOMAN:" "Stop it!" "Don't..." "Stop it!" " HAROLD:" "Come on, you pussy." " SAL:" "Let's go, Vince." "(HAROLD YELLING)" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Here we are." "Yeah, here we are." "I don't recognize myself." "Oh, no?" " Why not?" " Well, I don't usually treat myself." "Oh." " But this was long overdue." " It was." "Yeah." "It's too bad that it's never gonna happen again." "Because..." "You slept with Joe." "No..." "Leena, I..." " I can explain..." " No, you can't." "You fucked my husband in my bed." "(HORN HONKING)" " It wasn't like that." " How was it, then?" "Leena, Joe and I were in love." "And then you got pregnant." "You didn't deserve him, Maria." "You fucking cow." "It was either this, or I bash your fucking face in." "So I think I'm being nice." "I think you should thank me." "And I think you should thank me." "For showing you what it feels like to have your own sister screw the love of your life right under your nose." "Get out my car!" "Get out!" "Get out!" "Get out of my life and stay away from my husband!" "I'm not the one you should be worried about." "Leena!" "Leena!" "We're not done here." "(TIRES SCREECHING)" " You okay?" " Yeah." " I'm good." "Are you?" "You good?" " Yeah." "Yeah" "I can't believe I've been in three fights since you turned into Jesus." "I can't believe he offered a thousand bucks for a blow job." " In front of her boyfriend, too." " I can't believe she said yes." "SAL:" "Are you kidding me?" "A thousand bucks for a blow job?" "I'm not saying I would've done it, but..." "There's a good chance I would've done it." " Oh." " VINCE:" "Okay." "We can still make this party." "Can we go after this?" "Have you got your miracle?" "No, that was all him." "I got something else in mind for my miracle." "Pretty impressive dink." "(CHUCKLING) You're too kind." "(MOANING)" "Mmm." "I see the statue of Jesus is down off the cross." "Yes, uh, it's being repainted." "You know, we're sprucing the place up around here." "Anything to get people in the door." "Things have been tough, I'm not gonna lie." "Well, you don't have to." "I've seen you're balance sheets." "(CHUCKLING) Well..." "You know, uh, the community is becoming increasingly diverse." "It can be very difficult to get people through that door." "People are people." "And they will always need the Lord." "True, but being Muslims, many of them don't need the Lord that we're serving." " I see." " Mmm-hmm." "Well, "Blessed is he who perseveres in times of trial," ""for when he has passed the test," ""the crown of life shall be given to him by God."" "Oh, so that is why you're here." "I get it." "The crown, the letter." "(CHUCKLING) What letter?" "Well, the..." "The letter, the..." " The letter of recommendation for Bishop." " No." "No, that is not why I'm here." " No?" " You're church is hemorrhaging money." "Well, that's not my fault." "Yes it is, you are the parish priest." "There's more to this job than money." "Oh, no, you're right." "There's insurance, there's a new roof." "There's salaries, benefits..." "I'm talking about miracles." "Do you know what's wrong with you, Luke?" "No." "Please enlighten me, Kevin." "You're always thinking about big ideas while missing the everyday little things that are right there in front of your face." "Mmm-hmm." "And you know what?" "You wouldn't have gotten through seminary school if it wasn't for me." " Well that is a lie." " Oh, really?" "Try telling that to the prostitute that you made me drive back from Barrie in my Volvo." " It was a friend of mine." " Oh, a friend of yours?" "Do you know what this friend wanted to do to me?" "She wanted to give me a Fleetwood Enema." " Do you know what that is?" " Could you just..." " Yes, I know what that is." " She wanted to blow cocaine up my bum." " I know what it is." " Up my bum." " Why?" "Why are you talking about this?" " Up my bum!" "Because I think that you should show a little bit more loyalty, 'cause I could ruin you." "Oh, yeah?" "Then why don't you do it then, all right?" "That's just what the Catholic Church needs right now." " I will." " A little more controversy." " I'll do it." "I will." " Okay, do then." " Will you do it?" " Yes." "Do it then." "Do you know what's gonna happen?" " What?" " I'm gonna get a slap on the wrist and then they're gonna send me off, relocate me to somewhere like Banff or Victoria." "And you know what they'd do to you?" "They'd send you to some disgusting shit hole, some horrible church in the middle of nowhere." "There are worst places in the world than Sudbury, my friend." "And I can find them." "You are a monster." " Let's just cut the shit, all right?" " Okay, then." "A church does not run on miracles." " Miracles do not pay the bills." " Really?" "This entire institution was built on miracles." "No!" "It was built on fucking money!" "And until you get that through your thick, fucking head, you will never be a Bishop!" "(DOOR SLAMMING)" "You know, it's been years since I've been in a real good bar fight." "You know, this was Vince's first bar fight?" "Yeah, that's why I peed my pants." "Yeah, that so grossed them out, I think that's what won us the fight." "This is it." "This is the exact spot where..." "Carol and I made love for the first time." "SAL:" "Nice." "VINCE:" "Yeah, it's picturesque." "SAL:" "The fuck's pitcher-esque mean?" " Picture." " Like a pitcher?" " Picture." " Picture?" "Yeah, it means beautiful, like a picture." "Then why not just say, "Beautiful"?" "'Cause I like to try little new words out, see how they fit." "You know, I'd like to see how you fit into a little soundproof box so I wouldn't have to listen to half the shit you say." "I'm sorry, fellas, but would you mind giving me" " a minute alone?" " Yeah, sure." " Take all the time you need." " Hang on." "Sal." "You've given me something that I never thought I'd have again." "Happiness." "This has been one of the best days of my life." "I mean, you come off like" " such an asshole, but..." " Fuck still?" "But there's something special about you, Salvatore." "I can see it." "Hey, wait a minute." "Come here." "I'm sorry I wasn't a better uncle." "And that your family's such a cunt." "But I'm glad I got to know you a little bit." "I just wish it hadn't taken me so long." "VINCE:" "He hugged me hard." " It's a fucking miracle." " No, Vince." "That is not a miracle." "No, but that is, to me." "That doesn't count, okay?" "I feel connected to my family, right now." "You feel connected to one guy." "I didn't feel connected to any of them before." " This is like a 100% increase." " Okay, take it easy Dr. Science." "Well, if this" " isn't a miracle, then like what is?" " Time travel," " the Lamborghini Countach is a miracle." " No, okay..." "Okay, both of those are miracles." "But, like, maybe a miracle can be smaller, too." "If you change your perception of what a miracle can be, you'll see them all around you." "Did you just come up with that, Vince?" "Jon Bon Jovi came up with that." " Jon Bon fucking Jovi." " Yeah." "This might be the beginning for me and my family." "(GUN FIRING)" "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello." "What?" "Oh..." "No, I'll be right there." "I can't believe he had a gun." "I know." "Why didn't he take it out during the fight?" "What?" "Look, while you were pissing your pants I was getting my ass kicked, a gun would've really helped." "So much for feeling connected to somebody." "(SOBBING)" "(CONTINUED SOBBING)" "We'll dry him off and burn him like a Jedi, how about it, huh?" "(SOBBING) Okay." "Maria." "Dr. Sue." "Hi, thanks for seeing me right away." "I don't think I could've waited till morning." "The test came back from your mammogram, and we found a lump on your right breast." "A lump?" "We're gonna have to run some more tests before we jump to any conclusions." "I know it's easy for me to say, but try not to..." "Holy shit." "...worry." "RAJANI:" "Father Luke?" "Just wondering if you need anything from me tonight?" "(SIGHS) Rajani..." "Did you know that when I perform the blessing of the wine and the host during mass, they become the body and blood of Jesus Christ?" " Symbolically." " No." "Not symbolically." "That's just it." "It's the real thing." "Transubstantiation." "I can turn ordinary things into special things." "That's what I can do." " Uh-huh?" " Yeah." "And uh, what are you gonna do with him?" "That's a very good question." "Well, at least he went out where and how he wanted to, you know?" "Really pitcher-esque." " Picture." " I'm fucking trying, Vince." "I felt happy for him, too." "And then I felt like shit." "And I still do." "I'm sorry, bud." "(SIGHS)" "Um..." "Do you wanna hang out for a while?" "Don't feel like being alone." "Yeah, no worries, man." "As long as you need." " (SNIFFING) Cool." " I got you." "ALL INSIDE:" "Surprise!" "SAL:" "Okay, now we got a surprise for you guys." "Subtitle by peritta"