"(barking orders)" "(alarm clock ringing)" "(ringing stops)" "(bugle plays reveille)" "(recording continues)" "(blows whistle)" "All right." "Rise and shine." "(men clamoring)" "Come on." "Let's go." "Let's go." "Sit up and hit the deck!" "Let's go!" "All right, all right." "A hundred million women in the world" "I had a dream about my brother." "You're lucky." "I had a dream about my wife." "Hey, Benjy, I wanna talk to you about that thing down there..." "Why don't you give her another chance?" "Maybe she still loves you." "Just a three-day pass." "(yawns):" "I know." "So, he says to me, "How come?" "24 years in the Army, you're still a private."" "And I told him, "It ain't easy."" "Hey, Mullen, I still got a couple of tickets to the jousting contest Bilko's running." "It oughta be fun." "What do you want, blood?" "BARBELLA:" "Hey, Mullen!" "Yeah." "Mullen, I got you down for the paint job." "Big deal." "Hey, listen, Mullen, Bilko got a new line of platoon stationery." "Very nice." "Only two dollars a box." "Please." "All right, simmer down." "Special detail." "The following men step forward:" "Doberman, Paparelli, Van Dyke, Gomez." "You men report to Mess Sergeant Sowici at 0900 for KP." "That's all." "Sick call!" "(blows whistle)" "Formation!" "Tell Sergeant Bilko" "the men are ready for roll call." "BARBELLA:" "Right." "All right, look alive." "I'm looking alive." "What...?" "Sergeant Bilko?" "Sergeant Bilko?" "What is it?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "The men are ready for roll call." "Good boy." "Take care of it." "Oh, but Sarge" " Sarge, the men ain't seen you in two days." "It would be a might..." "All right." "All right!" "I'll take care of it." "Relax." "You'll have to excuse me, gentlemen." "Duty calls." "Look, Bilko, if you're broke, let's break it up." "Here, here." "Take it easy." "I'll be right back with a fresh bankroll." "Relax." "Roll call!" "Roll call." "Look alive." "Fresh and early." "(stammering gibberish)" "Bright eyes." "(stammering gibberish)" "All right." ""B" Company, Third Platoon, roll call-- here we go." "Anderson, Doberman," "Here!" "Here!" "Flipowicz," "Right here." "Gander, Goldberg, -(men responding goofily)" "Harrigan, Jones, Kadowski, McPherson..." "Paparelli, Rubicheck, Salinka!" "(men responding)" "SALINKA:" "Yo-ho!" "All present and accounted for." "How's your game going in there?" "Hey, you got them pigeons cleaned out yet?" "You got ten dollars?" "Ten bucks?" "What happened to the $250?" "Would you like me to stand here on Army time and explain it in front of the whole platoon?" "All right, men, here it is again." "Another complaint." "Lieutenant Bigelow reports that he saw one of our trucks from the motor pool at the drive-in theater last night." "Fortunately, I was able to prove by the records it was no man from this platoon." "Kadowski!" "Next time, don't leave your dog tags on the front seat." "Thanks, Sarge." "Now, come on, men." "Let's make this the last complaint we get." "They've been watching this platoon like hawks since last summer... when that tank showed up on the beach." "Sun worshipper." "Now, men, I told you this a hundred times." "If you need transportation, my own car is at your disposal." "It's only ten cents a mile." "The weekly rates are up on the bulletin board." "And you can see Corporal Barbella about the group plan." "Ten dollars." "I need ten dollars to keep that game alive." "We gave you every last cent." "Where we going to get ten bucks?" "You must have-- Don't go anywhere." "(mutters):" "Wait a minute." "Did you sell any football tickets?" "MAN:" "Hey, Bilko, how 'bout it?" "Go in there and stall them off." "How about the football pool?" "The bed-making contest?" "They ain't springing for nothing lately." "Got to think of everything myself, huh?" "Men... it's been some time since we've had a little talk." "Freeze." "Freeze, you commandos." "Men... when the United States Army put these stripes on my sleeves, they also put something on my shoulders." "(snaps fingers)" "Responsibility." "And what has been my biggest responsibility?" "(claps)" "Your morale." "That's the one thing I think of day in, day out." "Your morale!" "Now, I must have told you this a thousand times." "Suppose you tell it to me once." "What do I want to make this outfit?" "MEN:" "The happiest platoon on the post." "Right." "The happiest platoon on the post." "But men," "I can't do it by myself." "I want to see my boys have fun." "Fun!" "What good is it if you don't join in any of these fun-making activities?" "You won't buy tickets to the football pool, you won't join" "any of these fundraising activities." "Hey, Sarge?" "Sarge." "I rack my brain." "Sarge!" "Sar..." "I..." "What?" "!" "What?" "!" "What?" "!" "They're breaking up the game." "I can't stall them any longer." "(snaps fingers)" "Ciao." "Hey, where you going, fellas?" "This is only the shank of the morning." "Hey." "Surely, my credit is good." "Credit?" "Sergeant Bilko, you said a dirty word." "How about it, Sowici?" "A little two-handed anything?" "It's all over, Bilko." "The big operator of the post finally got himself taken." "(laughs)" "Yeah, well, don't bruise that bankroll." "I'll get it back Saturday night." "Saturday night." "Where you going to get a bankroll to get into the game Saturday night?" "(chuckles)" "Your luck's changed, Bilko." "It's all over." "(chuckles)" "See us when you get another bankroll." "(laughing)" "Bilko lost?" "Now he'll be on the prowl for another bankroll." "He's in trouble." "If Bilko needs money, we're in trouble." "You said it." "(chattering)" "Ah, just the..." "I tawt I taw a puddy tat." "I've seen outfits move fast in my life-- that's the fastest I've ever seen these fellas..." "Well, now, here's a gay little group." "Mind if I open my veins and join you?" "250 clams." "And a hundred of it was my money." "Hi, Chaplain." "Hi, Padre." "Hiya, Padre." "What brings you here?" "Nothing much." "I just wanted to verify something" "I never thought I'd live to see." "You lost in a card game?" "Card game?" "But Padre, you know I don't allow no games of chance in my barracks." "Police the area." "Bilko, you're a gambler, a sharpster, a promoter." "You're everything I'm here to prevent soldiers from becoming." "Tell me, why do I like you?" "I don't know." "I do have a nice personality." "I don't know why I worry about your soul." "You'll probably talk your way into Heaven." "Bilko, why don't you forget about it?" "Forget about what?" "You know what." "I mean this constant gambling between you and the other top kicks of the permanent party." "Oh, Padre, you don't understand." "I got a reputation to uphold." "Those meatballs-- just because they got a little lucky, now they think they're smarter than I am." "Maybe they are." "What do you mean?" "Where were you sitting during the late, lamented game?" "Right here." "My lucky chair." "Lucky... (scoffs)" "I see." "Where's your mirror?" "My mirror?" "Right over there on the wall, where it always is." "Why?" "You want to shave or something?" "You're welcome to it." "I... who moved my mirror?" "Rocco, did you move my...?" "Oh." "There it is." "That's funny." "You know how it is, Padre." "You get used to a mirror in one place, some joker on a neat kick, you know?" "He reach..." "I..." "Rocco!" "Sit here." "Look at your hold card." "Ten of diamonds, right?" "Gee, that's terrific." "Terrific?" "Did you see what happened?" "Don't you see what happened?" "I've been taken." "Those dirty..." "Don't you see what they did?" "Those dirty, miserable... rascals." "Don't you see what happened?" "They set it up for me." "Don't think they get aw-- Oh, those..." "They're mean fellas, chaplain-- mean." "I can see you're taking this pretty seriously." "The training report, sir." "Oh, thanks, Hogan." "Now, Tom, if you can show me how relieving Bilko of that motor pool platoon is going to cut down the gambling over at the permanent party quarters," "I'll go along with it." "But Bilko is the best motor pool NCO I've ever had." "That's just it." "He's got it running so smoothly, there's nothing for him to do but to think up little rackets, play poker." "What are you dri...?" "Give him something new." "Something that will challenge him." "What are you driving at, Tom?" "Colonel, give Bilko a basic training unit." "Bilko?" "With those young, innocent recruits?" "Ah, for a minute, I thought you were serious." "I am." "I know you're shorthanded on your training schedule." "And here's Bilko, a good sergeant with a great" "record, wasting..." "Not a chance." "Tom, we reorganized the entire layout of the post." "We moved buildings, blocked off streets, so that no rookie-- even by accident-- could ever get near Bilko." "Colonel, I've got a hunch." "So long, Billy." "Be a good boy." "Take care of yourself, Willis..." "Bye." "Bye, Tony." "Say hello to Millie." "Hey, you." "I'll miss you." "Take care of yourself, hear?" "I don't get it." "I don't get it at all." "Why?" "Why are they transferring my platoon, my boys, the guys I grew to love?" "Especially today" " Saturday-- when they get paid." "Hey." "Did you find out anything?" "No, nothing." "Gee, it's hot." "Thanks a lot." "I send him out for information, he comes in with a weather report." "Well, there goes our last chance to get a bankroll for tonight's game." "I don't get it." "I..." "Empty barracks." "Empty bunks." "It's an empty world, men." "MEN:" "# We're in the Army now #" "# We're not behind the plow #" "# We'll never get rich by digging a ditch #" "# We're in the Army now #" "Hut, two, three, four!" "Hut, two, three, four!" "# We're in the Army now #" "Hut, two, three, four!" "# We're not behind the plow #" "Hut, two... -# We'll never get rich by digging a ditch #" "Hut, two, three, four!" "# We're in the Army now #" "All right, men." "Sing it out, now!" "Once more!" "# We're in the Army now #" "Hut, two, three, four!" "# We're not behind the plow #" "Hut, two, three, four!" "# We'll never get rich by digging a ditch #" "Hut, two..." "Hut, two, three, four!" "# We're in the Army now. #" "Company, halt!" "Are you Sergeant Bilko, sir?" "Yes, I'm Sergeant Bilko." "What are you, the Scout master?" "My name is Higgins, sir." "At the induction center, when they found out I'd been to a military academy, they made me acting PFC in charge of this squad until we got here for our basic training." "Basic training?" "Yes, sir." "Sergeant Bilko." "Ten-hut!" "Attention!" "This is your new assignment, Bilko." "See that they get the required basic training courses." "That's all." "Thank you, sir." "Only the one he's talking to." "(barking orders)" "My new squad." "New blood." "At ease, men." "Welcome to the United States Army." "Friends, when the United States Army put these stripes on my sleeve, they also put something on..." "Say, I understand you boys don't get paid for the first 30 days." "Now, if you're a little short, I" "Oh, no, Sergeant." "We brought money from home." "Money from home." "Money from home!" "Oh, what pleasant memories those words invoke." "Mom's apple pie." "Washing the car on Sunday." "Gets you right in here, don't it, pal?" "But friends, the Army, too, can be fun." "For instance, this weekend, I want to see you all at the Welcome Rookies Dance." "(snaps fingers)" "Corporal Barbella" "will have the tickets." "Uh, sir...?" "I always say a little fun..." "Uh, sir?" "with a little hard work..." "Sergeant Bilko?" "you can't..." "Sergeant, Sergeant?" "Uh, well, doesn't The Soldier's Guidebook state that the first weekend should be spent reviewing the things we learned during the week?" "Good boy." "Yes, sir, men." "Every night when you return from that drill field," "I'll be here to relax you." "Take the tension away from you with a little game of chance." "Nothing too expensive." "Little lotto, little bingo." "And for you older men, perhaps a little gin rummy." "(laughs):" "What about that?" "!" "Heh?" "Sir..." "Are we gonna have fun?" "Sergeant?" "You listen to me." "Sergeant Bilko..." "Because your welfare is..." "But Sergeant, Sergeant, what about our personal health and character guidance lectures?" "Aren't we supposed to have those at night?" "Good boy." "Yes, friends, you call on your sergeant for anything you want." "(snaps fingers)" "My door is open." "You ever need any souvenirs, slight extra charge." "Chewing gum, cigarettes." "But Sergeant..." "Any little knickknacks you need." "Sergeant Bilko?" "!" "But, Sarge" "You can..." "Aw, shut up!" "Razor blades, little postcards." "But..." "Sergeant Bilko." "Anything..." "Sergeant, Sergeant, just one thing." "Isn't there a post exchange where we can buy those things direct?" "Wouldn't you be happier in the Navy?" "I-I'm sorry, sir, but I just want to make sure my military career gets started on the right foot." "You see, after my two years are up, I plan to stay in the Army." "And you'll make good, too." "As a target." "Yes, men, we're gonna have fun, fun!" "(snaps fingers)" "But lest we forget, there's a military aspect to this man's Army, too." "For instance" " I, personally, every day, will escort you out to the drill field and the rifle range, short hikes-- weather permitting." "I'm going to make this a crackerjack outfit!" "I..." "I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised, sir." "I will?" "Yes, sir." "You see, at the induction center, while waiting for our assignment, I took the liberty of putting the men through a little close order drill" "just to get a head start, you know, sir." "Yes, yes, yes..." "Would you like me to take them out and drill them now, sir?" "Take them out and drill them?" "Say, that ought to be fun." "All right, men!" "What is he doing?" "!" "Straighten that line!" "Here, remember what I told you!" "Company..." "Wait, Higgins." "Sergeant Bilko, I don't want to miss that dance, so could I reserve some tickets?" "Yeah, and I need stationery, sir." "You gonna have" "a baseball pool?" "Gonna sell I.D. bracelets?" "Please, please, friends." "Everything I promise you you'll have." "Just give us a chance to get organized." "(chuckles):" "Aren't they wonderful?" "All right, men!" "Hold that." "Just a minute, Higgins." "(snaps fingers)" "Corporal Henshaw," "I want you to escort these men out to the drill field and stay with them every minute." "In this heat, Sarge?" "They ain't gonna get lost." "I'm not worried about them getting lost." "I don't want nobody to steal them." "(chuckles)" "(barking orders)" "# For it's hi!" "hi!" "hee!" "In the field artillery #" "# Shout out your numbers loud and strong #" "# Two, three, four!" "#" "Sergeant Bilko!" "Sergeant Bilko!" "Coming." "I..." "What are you doing?" "What, are you crazy or something?" "No, sir, it's only... it's only an empty practice rifle." "They're the most dangerous kind." "And I wouldn't want anything to happen to you." "Sergeant Bilko." "Yes, son, what is it?" "There's my girl's picture for the Sweetheart of the Squad contest you're running." "Well, we'll put her right up on a bulletin board." "Of course, you know, there's a five dollar entry fee to defray the cost of" "thumbtacks, chalk," "Oh, I know that, sir." "Yeah." "little things that we..." "Sarge, hey, Sarge." "What, what, what?" "!" "Sarge, the game has started already in Sowici's Company "B" kitchen." "How about that bankroll?" "Coming up." "I'll give you the money, as soon as we get our first pay." "I'm broke." "Broke?" "I thought you guys brought money from home." "Yeah, that was this morning." "I had $50, but Higgins has it now." "Higgins?" "Yes, sir, he's got almost all the money the fellas brought." "I tell you, the minute I laid eyes on that kid," "I knew he was a born competitor." "(singsong):" "Oh, Higgins!" "Yes, sir." "Let's have a little chat." "About face!" "(barking orders)" "Hup!" "Higgins!" "Do you know what they call a soldier who squeezes money out of his comrades?" "He's called a vulture." "And there's no room on this post for another-- for a vulture!" "But-But, sir, I'm... (shouting gibberish)" "Do you deny you took those kids for every nickel they got?" "!" "Oh, oh, no, no, no, sir." "You got it all wrong." "I'm just holding the money for them." "Holding it?" "Yes, sir." "You see, we all plan to go on our first furlough together on a trip, and the fellas gave me their money to hold so that they didn't spend it foolishly." "Foolishly, huh?" "Higgins, uh, did anybody on this post warn you ab-- tell you-- about me?" "No, sir." "Just the chaplain." "The chaplain." "That's all." "Dismissed." "My friend, the padre, warning new, innocent soldiers against their own sergeant." "Well, there goes the bankroll." "And the game has started already." "Shh!" "What is it?" "I hear cards being shuffled." "All the way from the Company "B" kitchen?" "I also hear money being riffled-- our money-- crying out into the night, "Daddy, come take us home."" "Now, where is Daddy?" "In a barracks, babysitting." "(knocking at door)" "Come in!" "Holy smokes." "What is it now, Higgins?" "I forget your bedtime story?" "Somebody have to be burped?" "Well, sir, could I talk to you for just a minute?" "It's-It's a little personal." "All right, fellas, out." "(snaps fingers)" "It's buddy-buddy time, huh?" "All right, Higgins, come on." "(door shuts)" "Let's have it." "What is it?" "Well, sir, y-you remember the money" "I've been holding for the fellas?" "It never left my mind." "Mine neither, sir." "It's just too much of a responsibility." "Here, Sergeant, will you hold it for us?" "You want me to hold it?" "Yes, sir, if you will." "Come on, Higgins, I'm only flesh and blood." "You hold it." "But Sergeant, The-The Soldier's Guidebook states that enlisted men may leave their valuables with their sergeant." "You didn't read the footnote where my name is mentioned." "Sergeant Bilko, please-- it's more money than I ever had in my whole life." "My gosh, there's over $300 here!" "Three hundred and nineteen." "Three hundred and twenty." "Oh, yeah, I didn't get that wet single in here." "No, no, you better hang onto it." "You heard what the chaplain said about me." "Yes, sir, that's why I'm here." "Well, the chaplain said, if we ever needed anybody to turn to, someone we could trust, we could always trust Sergeant Bilko." "Trust Sergeant Bilko?" "Yes, sir." "The chaplain said that?" "Yes, sir." "Look, Higgins, when he said it... was he laughing or something?" "No." "No, sir, he seemed quite serious." "Please, Sergeant, hold it, huh?" "The chaplain said that?" "Yes, sir." "Good night, sir." "(mumbles):" "N-Night." "(door closes)" "(door opens)" "BARBELLA:" "Hey, Sarge, what did the kid..." "He got it!" "He got it!" "Hey, Sarge, I've seen you work fast, but this is the new Army record." "Come on, off to the game!" "Wait a minute..." "Wait a minute, you meatballs!" "I'm surprised with you." "As long as you been with me, you ought to know me better." "These kids gave me this money to hold." "They trust me with it." "They gave it to you?" "Who else would they trust but their own sergeant?" "Boy, do they need basic training." "Well, maybe we could use it, just for the game!" "I told you, they gave it to me to hold in trust." "Yeah, but Sarge, the..." "Out." "Out." "Eh..." "But..." "Out!" "(door closes)" "# #" "What's going on?" "Just going through the manual of arms." "If we're gonna teach it to those kids, we might as well know what we're doing." "Just dropped by to leave the flashlight." "Flashlight?" "Yeah, just in case you change your mind, it's pitch black between here and the Company "B" kitchen." "Where the game is going on." "With our money." "I told you I'm holding that money for the kids." "Out." "Out!" "(door closes)" "# #" "(door opens)" "Hey, Sarge!" "I'm not gonna tell you..." "We just came back from watching the game." "There's all the money in the world there, just waiting for you." "Sowici just won a $35 pot with a pair of fours." "(mouthing)" "(muffled):" "Out." "(muffled barking):" "I'm not gonna tell you again!" "Get out of here!" "(door closes)" "# #" "(grunts)" "Heya, kid." "Wake up, wake up!" "What?" "What?" "Wha-Wha-What is it, Sergeant?" "Night maneuvers?" "Night maneuvers?" "I just went through those." "Here." "Be careful what you do with other people's money." "Hang onto this." "But Sergeant, we trust you." "Don't press your luck." "Come on." "Get some sleep." "Good night, Sergeant." "Well, what are you two jokers doing around here?" "Good night, Sergeant." "Good night." "Good night, Sarge." "Good night." "Well, don't stand around." "You know what to do." "Go on." "Well, Padre, what brings you around here?" "Just checking." "Everything okay?" "Just wonderful." "It figured." "Good night, Padre." "Good night, Ernest." "Ernest?" "("Taps" playing)" "# #" "ANNOUNCER:" "Higgins was played by Michael Dreyfuss." "Henshaw portrayed by Allan Melvin."