"[menacing music]" "Huah!" "[screaming] [laughing] Jesus." "Turn around and check yourself." "Check your balls..." "Huah!" "[screaming]" "Boo, bitch!" "[screaming] [laughing] [thud]" "Karmaflage." "[techno music]" "[techno music]" "So, what have we got planned for today?" "Eh, we are selling drugs." "[tires screech]" "Come out with your hands up." "We have the place surrounded." "Hey, how did the cops know about our hideout, man?" "[inhales deeply]" " I smell bacon." " I've got a ham in the oven." "Nah, hesse, we got a [bleep] undercover cop in the gang." "Come to think of it, you've been acting kind of funny, homes." "Teardrop, how long have you known me?" "Your whole life, homes." "You know I ain't no cop." "Besides, Ron joined the gang, like, last month." "That hurts, Razor." "You my boy." " [chuckles] No way, not Ron." " What are you doing, hesse?" " What?" " You can't do that, homes." " It's very illegal." " I did not know that." "Yo, ignorance of the law is not an excuse." "[sarcastically] Oh, yeah." "Ron's a cop." "[police siren whoops]" "Yo, is there anything you want to tell me?" "[Sighs] Oh, come on, man." "Yo, you're on a computer at a time like this?" "What are you, like, checking your Tumblr?" "I'm torrenting the new X-Men." "I hear it's rad." "We talked about this, Ron." "You're gonna get your internet shut off, man." "Some people can't help but break the laws, hesse." " Criminals to the bone." " Okay, let's all calm down." "Look, we don't actually know there's an undercover cop among us, right?" "Back off or the pig gets it." " Valdez!" " The place is crawling" " with [bleep] cops, man!" " Get off of me!" " Let's blast that pig." " Don't let them shoot me!" "Officer Rivers, I know you're working deep cover." "[all gasping] I knew it!" "We should just smoke this fool!" "[bleep] tu madre!" "I do mad drugs, yo." "[glass breaking] I have [bleep] gang tattoos on my neck, hesse." "That's permanent, homes!" "How many fools have you seen me smoke with your own eyes?" "Like five fools minimum." "I park on the street sweeping side!" "[both gasping] [gunshot]" "Oh, yeah, and I just killed a [bleep] cop." "[clinking] A police shield?" " What are you doing with this, Ron?" " No, not our Ron." "I want to hear you explain that." "Oh, that?" "I... found it." "Outside." "I kept it just in case we needed it." "To do crimes." " It says "Officer Rivers." - [laughing] Crazy, right?" "Impersonating an officer is a felony." "You're gonna get us all in trouble, homes." "What were you thinking, Ron?" "Jeez, homie, sometimes I think you're just too hard for thug life." "Oh, Christ, I give up!" " Hit the [bleep] floor!" " Ah, shit." "You did it, Officer Rivers." "You took these scum-bags down." "[effeminately] I can finally go home to my family." " I knew it." " Oh, yeah, F the popo." "F the popo." "[phone ringing]" "Damn, Steve, you're late as hell." "[groans] I know." "Sorry." "I woke up with a migraine, and the only thing that works is if I pound a cheesburger and jerk off in a hot shower." "So of course I had to drive all the way downtown..." "TMI, man." "Just answer the damn phone already." " Jeez Louise, son." " Hello, this is TripTank." "Hello, TripTank." "I'm throwing a party for my niece and her fabulous young friends, and your show is her absolute favorite." "Oh, that's wonderful." "Thank you." "Yes, now, she keeps going on and on about Molly." "And about how she just loves Molly, and she only watches "TripTank" with her friend Molly and about how Molly just has to be at the party." "Molly this, Molly that." "Molly, Molly, Molly." " Uh..." " At first I just said," ""Of course, Molly can come." ""Molly, George, William." "All your friends are invited to the party."" "But as it turns out, this Molly person isn't actually a person at all." "Now, are you ready to have your mind blown?" " Yes." " This Molly is some form of recreational empathogenic consumable." " Empatha-what?" " It's horny pills, man!" "The kids take them, and they [bleep] all night." "Oh, of course." "So how do I get my hands on some Molly?" "I'll just transfer you to that department." "[techno music]" "If you really think the UN's going to pay you a billion dollars, you're even crazier than you look, Skrax." "Maybe they will, maybe they won't." "It doesn't matter, Agent Frisco, because I'm going to blow up the Earth either way." "When I get out of these cuffs," "I'm going to knock you to Neptune." "Tough talk, considering you're about to have a laser up Uranus." "[laughter]" " What?" " That was funny." "Yeah, I mean Uranus/your anus puns." "They've been done to death, but your timing and delivery still sold it." " Honestly?" " Even I got to cough it up," " that was good." " Hmm." "[screaming]" "Hey, anybody know where we're supposed to tee off from?" "I totally tee'd off on your wife last night!" "[laughter]" " Hey, watch this shot." " You should have watched the shot" "I blew all over your wife last night!" "[laughter] Oh, Frank." " Come on, get in the hole." " "Come on" is what I did when I stuck it in your wife's hole last night!" "[laughter] [splash]" " Oh, shit." "Ball in the water." " Your wife was saying, "Oh, shit"" "when I put my balls in her water last night!" "[laughter] What's it even mean?" "Probably should have hit that a little harder there, buddy. [laughing]" "You son of a bitch!" "[gasping] How dare you talk shit about my putting!" " Oh, God." " I will cut you right now!" "Stop it, Frank, please!" "Not again." "Cleveland Steamer." "Pasadena Mudslide." "Tennessee Whiskey Biscuit." "This is bullshit!" "So our town doesn't have its own deprived sexual act," " Karl... who cares?" " Okay, here's one." " The Azusa Ass Uzi." " The Dirty Sandwich Shop." " The Feral Donkey." " The Engorged Tamale." " The Stanky Taint Painter." " The Slippery Shit-Stained" "Ass Eating Oil Armadillo with a sloppy pig-cock that goes wee, wee, wee all the way home, Karl!" "Oh, you mean a Tallahassee Handshake." "[electronic music]" "All right, thank you, Marty." "Okay, let's welcome our next open mic'er..." " Dr. Skrax." " Good to be here." "Ahem." "Anybody here on a date tonight?" "And how long have you two been dating?" " Uh, two months." " That's great, sir." "You've been dating this lady for two months." "Say, have you told your wife yet?" "[laughter] He's good, he's pretty good." "Hmm..." "And I said, "You're the pilot, you tell me."" "Screw it, just give me a stick of butter and a parakeet." "I'll do it myself." "[laughter]" "But it turns out it wasn't that kind of party after all." "[cheers and applause]" "Oh, thank you." "When I told my wife" "I'd be on TV tonight, she said, "Really?" "Which one?"" "[laughter]" "You've got it, kid." "And I said, "Tough talk considering you're about to have a laser up Uranus."" "[applause] Thank you." "I love you." "[electronic music] [phone ringing] Hello, TripTank." "Uh, hello, is this the guy who answers the phone on television?" " Yep, this is Steve." " Great." "I just wanted to let you know that" "I'm going to stop by and touch you." " What?" " Yeah, this is just a courtesy call to let you know that I'm going to be visiting the TripTank offices in the next few days, and when I'm there, I'm going to touch you." " I don't... understand." " It's nothing weird, but there is going to be a lot of touching." "It's over the clothes, but it's going to be" " all over the clothes." " No." "I don't want that." "You're gonna be sitting there and no one's going to be touching you, and then I'm gonna show up, and then you will be touched a copious amount." "And then when I leave, no one will be touching you, because I'm not going to be there." " End of story." " Well, okay." "All right, great." "Touch you later." " Bye-bye." " Why does this keep happening to me?" "Hey, has anybody seen my boots?" "I totally knocked your wife's boots last night." "[laughter] I set you up for that one." "Hey, does anybody know how to find this hunting spot?" "I totally found your wife's G-spot last night!" "[laughter]" "Hey, has anybody seen my extra box of ammo?" "I totally blew my extra ammo all over your wife's box last night!" "[laughter] Good one!" "Whoa." "Look at that beautiful 8-point buck over there." "Your wife called my penis an 8-inch buck last night!" "[laughter] Oh, don't stop goin'!" "[gunshot]" "Probably should have dialed in that scope there, buddy." "[laughing]" "You sack of shit!" " I'll murder you!" " Stop!" "He's your son's godfather!" "Stop!" "What would your parole officer say?" "[garbled voices, electronical music]" "You've seriously never figured out your Apocalyptic Cyborg Avatar Bounty Hunter name?" "Go!" "If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?" "What's your mother's preferred brand of cookware?" "Favorite Michael Bay movie?" "Least favorite pet's cause of death?" "Pencils down!" ""Sandalwood Farberware Coyote Ugly Natural Causes."" " It's not that bad." " Check it." "Teak Ironklad Armageddon Shredder." "You misspelled Ironclad, dipshit." "[pop music]" "Oh, yeah." "I'd [bleep] me." "[chortling]" "Hello, precious." "Time for Versus." "Versus!" "[laughing] A clown... [grunts] [laughing]" "[French folk music]" "A mime." "[chuckles] Here I come." "[chuckles] [dramatic music] [laughing] [struggling engine sound] [grunting] [grinding sound] [laughing] [cranking sound]" "Hahhahahahahahah!" "[tires screeching] [laughing] [toot] [tires screeching]" "[exciting music] [laughing]" "[tires screeching] Whoa, whaaa!" "[horns honking]" "[horn blaring] Wha... [horn blasts] [weak chuckle]" "[grunts]" "Where ya going, Mime?" "I just wanna cut you open!" "[laughing] [grunts] [laughing]" "Huh?" "[grunts]" "Huh?" "[chainsaw buzzing]" "Huh?" "[chainsaw buzzing]" "Aah!" "[chuckles]" "Aaaaaah!" "[French folk music]" "Winner, Mime." "[heavy thud] [electronic music]" "[phone ringing]" "Roy, can you help with the phones, buddy?" "No, man, you know I can't touch no electronics" " on Black Sabbath." " That's not a real holiday." "Gah!" "Damn it!" " Hello, TripTank." " Hey, dude." "This is Dean, your garbage man." "I've been rummaging through your trash here," " and I've got a lot of questions." " You've been doing what?" "I don't know who this Steve guy is, but he eats a shitload of meat-lovers pizzas, man." "He may want to donate his body to science or something, you know what I'm saying?" "'Cause I'll bet it's a [bleep] mess in there, man." "Oh, hey, I'll have you know that Steve has a gym membership." "And he plans to go a lot more regularly once things" " calm down at work, okay?" " And who is this Debra, anyway?" " Oh, she works in HR." " Yeah, she writes some filthy letters to some dude named Roy." "I mean, she's a dirty girl." "For this girl, analingus is like a salutation." " I mean, you know what I'm saying?" " Yeah, that adds up." "Hey, any way you can get me her number or anything?" "Hook me up?" "Come on, be a bro." "Sure thing, Garbage Man." "Let me transfer you." "Far out, man." "[chuckles]" "Come inside." "See a woman and a real live donkey on stage now." "This is the craziest shit you ever see, man." "Ay, ay, ay." "Shh, it's starting." "[chuckles]" "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, allow me to introduce the greatest show of marvel and fantasy you have ever laid eyes on." "[murmuring]" "Well, then, for my first trick," "I will be sawing my lovely assistant, Linda..." " Hey, boys." " In half!" "[crowd booing]" " Oh!" " Boo!" "Wait, wait." "Hee-haw!" "Please!" "Ow!" "That really stung!" "Oh, hey!" "Now, there's a lady up here, mister!" "[upbeat electronical]" "You killed!" "I'm getting offers like crazy today!" "Really?" "Like what?" "Four little words..." "Kevin." "James." "Buddy." "Comedy." "Wow!" "He's the King of Queens!" "[jazzy big band music] [tinny music] [electronic chirp]" "[Sighs] Hello?" " Hugo, my man!" " Tyler!" "Are the numbers in?" "How did we do?" "Yeah, the numbers are in, buddy, and, uh..." " doesn't look good." " What?" "Ha ha!" "It looks great!" "Oh, Tyler, don't scare me like that!" "We just smashed every opening weekend record" " and then some!" " You're kidding!" "I'm not!" "And with back end and everything else," "I'm happy to say you... [ball clatters] just became a billionaire, Hugo." " Really?" " Uh-huh." "So tell me, my friend." "What are you gonna do with a billion dollars?" "[ominous music] [boom] [laughing maniacally] [rock music]" " Whoa!" " Wow!" " This is so cool!" " This is amazing, Dad." "How the hell did you score this venue?" "Oh, you know what?" "I used positive thinking." " Mm." " Okay?" "And dedication." "I mean, that's important too." "And, uh, you know..." " a large portion of our family savings..." " [gasps] What?" " But positivity is really the key factor." " Wait." "You rented this entire" " theater just for the show tonight?" " No, not just for tonight." "They made me rent it for five weekends." "[gasps] But anyway, look, I don't want to talk business before a show." "How much did you spend on all this, Marcus?" "Honey, honey I want you to do me a favor, okay?" "I want you to watch the show... and then tell me if you think it was worth it." "[hyperventilating] Oh..." "Ladies and gentlemen, at this point in the show, please find your complimentary Oculus Rifts under your seat." "What?" "[excited murmurs] [growling]" "Don't worry, scumbag." "The only time I kill... is with comedy!" "Oh, my God, I'm gonna be late for my big show!" "What?" "Whoa!" "[exciting music]" "Hey, what's up, everybody?" "[ragtime band plays]" "Sorry, I couldn't afford to fly in first-class." " I had to fly in couch!" " Oh, no. [giggles]" "Well, looks like I got this guy's..." "seal of approval." "[carnival music] [seals barking]" "He wrote this for two years?" "Now, I know what you're thinking." "You're thinking," ""Wow, after all the buzz from tonight's show, this guy's totally gonna bomb..."" "[audience gasps] Daddy!" "I know, I know, I can be..." "pretty stupid sometimes." "But that guy was a real dummy. [rim shot]" " Honey, let's get the hell outta here." " Well, actually, he was a hyper-realistic robot I had commissioned in Tokyo." " Oh..." " So cool!" "Quick question..." "who here likes impressions?" "Oh, man... what a rush!" "Oh, I am buzzing like crazy right now!" "This feels amazing!" "You're definitely not sleeping in the bed tonight." " Huh?" " You're sleeping in couch." "[laughs]" "Uh, wait, are you being serious?" "[phone rings]" "You've reached TripTank." "This is Steve." "Hello." "This is Celebrity Chef Antoine Buldado." "I have an idea that I think would be perfect for TripTank." "Oh, okay, mm-hmm." "Let's hear your pitch." "Here's how it will go." "You will film me as I prepare an entire three-course meal." "You'll follow along as I purchase the ingredients and watch me make the food step-by-step." "I then take the food to an average suburban home, and the viewer watches as a family enjoys the food that I have masterfully prepared." "Wow." "Yeah, I'd watch that." "That sounds really cool." "But it doesn't stop there." "I never leave the house." "I take over the husband's role." "He is reduced to a cuckold sleeping on the couch while I enjoy the spoils of marital relations with his unattractive middle-aged wife just up the stairs." "Soon, even the children are calling me Papa." " Uh..." " At the end of each episode," "I sneak out in the middle of the night, and it's a different recipe each week... one week Italian food, the next week French cuisine... and every week, a man is reduced to a blubbering fool." " Wow." " I call the show..." " "Chef Blasters."" " That son of a bitch stole my idea!" "[electronic music] [warbling techno music]" "[phone chimes] Hey, hey, sloppy joe, this is TripT..." "I'm sorry, this is Steve." " Hello." " You've got to send someone." "A badger is loose in my house, and I've got it cornered now... but you have to send someone quickly." "I'm not sure how long I can hold him." "It's a badger, and it's terrifying." "Okay, I don't know why you called a cartoon show..." "I live on 739 East..." "[crash]" "Shit, he's got away." "He's got away!" "I'm chasing him!" "Sir, you have to get out of the house." "Shit!" "He's knocked over the buffet!" "He's ruining my luncheon." "I was holding a big luncheon today... a buffet." "He's ruined the finger sandwiches... he's eating them." " Just...just stay calm!" " I'm gonna dive for him." "Here I go..." "I'm going to dive!" "[badger squeaking]" "I'm diving..." "flying in the air now... [crash] Oh!" "I missed!" "I missed him!" " I'm on the floor now." " Sir, are you okay?" "!" "Where did he go?" "Where did he go?" "There he is!" "He's crawling up my leg!" "[badger squeaking]" "He's in my pants now!" "It's at my knee." "Ooh, it's crawling up my thigh now." "Oh, man, okay, wow." "This is something different." "You crazy badger." "Hello?" "Sir, do you need help?" "Oh, I'm still on the phone." "[beep]" "Oh, the only real way to catch a badger is with kerosene and a hollowed out dog carcass." "Everybody knows that." " Where are you from, Roy?" " Mexico City." "Hey, let me know when I've got her back into the water." "I totally backed it into your wife last night." "[laughter] Oh, yeah!" "I just have to clear that last buoy, and then I can really open her up." "I totally opened up your wife's legs with my buoy last night!" "[laughter] Mother of my children!" "Whoa, guys, got a little bite here." "Feels like a big one." "I've been telling your wife to stop biting my big one last night." "[laughter] Oh, she didn't do it!" "Hop, down he goes." "Circle back around, let's pick him up." "I circled back around and picked up your whore-wife on the street-corner last night." "[laughter] She wasn't out last night!" "Whoa Frank, buddy, looks like somebody got a little sun today. [chuckles]" "I mean, look at him, look at him!" "Guys, he's a tomato!" "You bastard, piece of shit!" " Aah!" "Hey!" " Who you're calling a tomato?" "!" " No, not again!" " No!" "He's kidding, like last year!" " Are we done?" " Yeah, we're done." "Ugh, I'm gonna need a burger and a shower."