"Slight temperature." "He's responding to antibiotics." "Continue treatment." "Try to get better by six o'clock." "I'm going to the movies and I want to have a free mind." " How come you're not responding to me?" " Pardon?" "I put on something I thought would drive you wild." " What?" " Clean socks." "Sir, a helicopter crashed." "There's a broken arm in OR." "Let's hope there's a patient attached." "Give me a hand." "Later I'll give you one of mine." " Much pain?" " Not bad." " Clean up the abrasions." " Yes." "Colonel Flagg's x-ray, sir." " What happened to the chopper pilot?" " He walked away without a scratch." "Probably asleep at the wheel." "That makes you nice and relaxed." "Colonel, you got a fractured radius." "Congratulations." " Congratulations?" " Yeah, you might've landed on your head." "Just get on with it, huh?" " Major, expose the arm, please." " Yes, Doctor." "Ever thought of going into burlesque?" " I'm terribly sorry." " Try to look it." "What kind of a place is this?" "We're open 24 hours a day and the second cup of coffee is free." " Morphine." " No morphine for me." " It's certainly not for me." " Colonel, this will be very painful." " Forget it." " Perhaps you'd care to bite on a bullet?" "Just do it." "Stockinet, please." "I want to talk to your commanding officer." "Right after we set this, we x-ray it." "If it's not right, we do it again." "Then you can see my CO, who's not right, but he won't let us do him again." " What's your name, fella?" " Dr Wassermann." "I'm looking for a cure for VD and I thought this was a good place to start." "Ready?" " Sir?" " Yo." "Colonel Flagg is right outside, inside here, sir." "Colonel Flagg." "I want to talk to you in private without the corporal." " You can say what you want in front of him." " OK, I will." "Get out." "Yes, sir." " I see they got the old wing patched up." " Yeah." " Care for a belt?" " No, thank you." "Hot enough for ya?" " Colonel." " Colonel." "What's your clearance?" "I go through the door with about an inch to spare." "I mean security-wise." "We're a hospital." "Colonel, I'm gonna have to trust you." "Believe me, you can, Colonel Flagg." "Major Brooks." "Lieutenant Carter." "Ensign Troy." "Captain Louise Klein?" " I'm CIA." " CIA?" "Wow!" "That damned chopper crash may have ruined a very sensitive mission." "Colonel Flagg was never here." "Tell your people." "You can fill out a file on me using any one of these." "Right." "Just let me get your names down here." "Don't write." "Memorise one." " Don't use Louise, I'll need that in Tokyo." " Right." "I don't know how long I'll be here." "That all depends on HQ." "HQ?" "Why did you say HQ?" "Who told you about HQ?" " You told me, Colonel Flagg." " Who's Colonel Flagg?" "I mean..." "Gee, could I just look at the cards again?" "I forgot who all of you are." " Step outside, Colonel." "I want to make a call." " All right." "Can I get the number for you?" " I don't know the number." " Then how do you make the call?" "I have to throw up." "The number's in a capsule." "I'll just run along then." "Colonel." "Not a word." "Don't worry, Colonel." "I don't want to get in Dutch." "In Dutch?" "Colonel, I'm authorised to kill without requesting permission from my superiors." "I imagine that cuts down on the old paperwork." "You'll never know what hit you." "Your toothbrush could go off in your mouth, you could find a tarantula in your shorts, we could booby-trap a nurse." " Hey, sirs?" " And ma'am." "And ma'am." "Boy, did I everjust hear something by accident in the office." "You've been giving the wall a physical again?" "Sit down and tell us." "Corporal O'Reilly's highchair, please." "You know that Colonel Flagg, you fixed his arm?" "He's a CPA." "No, really, I heard him tell Colonel Blake to keep it quiet, that he's on a secret mission." "Radar, you mean CIA." " To think I took his shirt off." " Why would you do that?" " I broke his arm." "He was lusting after her." " Those guys are doped-up most of the time." "Doped-up on patriotism." "Something we're in pretty short supply of here." "Amen." "Radar, we're running low." "Get another order of Yankee Doodle." "Yes, sir." "Gee, what a screwy bunch." " Can you believe Frank?" " There's talk of making him the 49th state." " Don't move." "You're under arrest." " Vinny Pratt!" "What a small war." "Trapper John McIntyre, the old dirty doctor." "Vinny Pratt, Hawkeye Pierce." "Vinny and I go way back." "I introduced him to his wife." "Now you're here to kill him, right?" " Care for a belt?" " No, I'm here on business." "You?" "Trap, can I talk in front of him?" "Go ahead." "I had his tongue cut out." "Makes it very hard to lick stamps." "I'm with Intelligence." "G2." "Our people monitored a call from here." "You have a Colonel Flagg on some kind of a mission." " His chopper crashed." "He broke his arm." " Oh, that old trick." "I set the arm." "I saw the x-rays." "Believe me, if I know Flagg, he ordered the chopper to crash, got out and hit himself with a hammer." "Come on." "It's a switch on the way he infiltrated the CID last year." "He drove his Jeep into a wall, set himself on fire." "ls this guy available for kids' parties?" "Why would he want to infiltrate a hospital?" "Now, that's what I'm here to find out." "What they're up to, and stop them." " I don't get it." "What do you mean "them"?" " Aren't "them" part of we?" "lsn't "them" us?" "Steady, pal." "They always try to make a big score around appropriation time, a little showboat for the Senate." "Last year, they beat us out of 20 million dollars." "You could make that up out of petty cash." "There must be something pretty big cooking around here for them to send Flagg." "My orders are to find out what that is." "From now on, I'm Captain Perkins, priest." "We already got a priest." "Well, then I'm Captain Stone, Engineers." " Colonel?" " Yeah." "There's a Captain Stone out there that's in here, too, sir." "Colonel Blake." " Captain Stone." " That's not my real name." " Oh, boy." " Major Strauss." "G2." " What's going on with you guys?" " Guys?" " I never heard of Colonel Flagg." " Let me level with you, Colonel." "My people want to know what Flagg's people are up to." "Why do we have to be in the middle?" "Can't you let my people go?" "I expect your full cooperation, Colonel." " Give me a break, Strauss." " Call me Pratt." " But Stone is out?" " Out." "Man alive, I'm trying to run a hospital." "Be an administrator." "Give orders." "I've got no time for Intelligence, all this cloak-and-dagger stuff." " Full cooperation, Colonel." " What's this?" ""Paid bill from the Happy Hour Motel, Elkhart, Indiana," "June 1948."" "That is your signature, isn't it, "Mr Carl Williams and daughter"?" "Beside the blurred licence-plate number?" "So?" "So, the electric blanket control in Room 312 was a microphone." " Holy cow." " The doorknob was a camera." " Linda Collins." " The rent-a-car girl in Houston." "Remember?" "The AMA convention in '49?" "They were folding the chairs by the time you finally got there." "Where did you get this stuff?" "We got files on people who haven't been born." "I deny it." "Anybody that says I don't is a dirty liar." "I mean, who's gonna believe this?" "Nobody except your immediate family." "I'll leave you a copy." "Hey, this is nothing but a pack of filthy, lying lies which is beneath my contempt about it, and you can count on my full and fearful cooperation." "How about a little golf?" "I need the money." "Don't be smart or I'll x-ray that sandwich and show you what you're eating." " Who you doin'?" " Flagg." "To see if I set his arm right." "Can you believe those guys?" "We're a hospital and they're playing spy." "I have a good mind to write my congressman." " With invisible ink, of course." " Chasing their own tails." "What do you say we make it a little more interesting?" "Tell Captain Stone I'll see him next." " You got it." " OK." " Captain Stone?" " Sit right there at the table." " Engineers?" " I hear he moonlights as a priest." "His name's not Stone." "It's really Martinez." "How do you know, Colonel Flagg?" "My name's not Flagg." "Ask your CO." "It's Carter." " Can I trust you, Pierce?" " If that's who I am." "I'm with the CID." "Although I told your boss I was with the CIA." " It throws people off who think I'm CIC." " I'll go along with you there." "If his people sent Martinez, then there's something big brewing here." " Probably." " I'm not leaving till I find out what it is." "I can't give you a medical excuse." "I did too good ajob on your arm." "You did, huh?" "Now I can give you a medical excuse." "All right, Corporal, read back what you've got." "Yes, sir." ""To the Far East Export-lmport Company, 27 Zapata Circle, Tijuana, Mexico."" " Right." "Go on." " Yes, sir." ""Mary had a little lamb, stop."" ""My dog has fleas, stop."" "Good." "There's a bit more." ""Mairzy doats and dozy doats, and I'll be home for Christmas."" " You got that?" " Just a moment, sir." "OK." "Sign it:" ""Your loving son, Queen Victoria."" " Really?" " Told me to keep you up on what he's doing." " "Mary had a little lamb."" " He knows I'm here." " How?" " I'm Mary." "I hate to tell you this, Mary, but your dog has fleas." "We're both on the same trail, but he's waiting for me to bird-dog." " You do and you'll clean it up." " Can this man be trusted?" " He's true-blue." " I wanna use him for messages." "He's perfect." "He fits into any envelope." "Come on." "I can't surface." "He's got me tagged." "I'm G2." " Keep him under covert surveillance." " Colonel Flagg?" " Queen Victoria." " Major Carter." " They're all him." " Or her, as the case may be." " I think I understand." " Then you're the only one." "Go, son." "Radar?" "If you're captured, you'll have to eat those binoculars." "What's Flagg's target?" "What's his caper?" "Could it be a patient?" "A nurse?" "A doctor?" " Hello, Frank." " Hi, Frank." "A lot you care." "I don't believe I've had the pleasure." "Old buddy of mine." "Captain Stone, Engineers." "Major Burns, doctor, surgeon." "Staff paranoid." " What brings you to the 4077th, Captain?" " Survey mission, Major." "Engineers believes army surgical hospitals can not only be mobile, but amphibious." "I've had that idea for a long time." "Put the hospital, the OR, the whole shebang up on pontoons and head for the high seas." "We could call ourselves the Titanic." "I'm afraid your friend and his friend derive perverted pleasure from playing down American ingenuity." "That's true." "I was among those who said this hospital would never fly." "I love this country more than both of you put together." "When that flag goes up the pole every morning, I go with it." "We have a hell of a time at night folding him and putting him away." "Hooey balooey." "Good luck on your project, Captain, and anchors aweigh." " Pretty gung ho." " And I don't care." "You know, I sometimes wonder about Frank and his wall-to-wall patriotism." "Benedict Arnold used to be the first to stand whenever Washington came into the room." "The minute he left, he started throwing erasers and tried to take over the country." "There is the type who protest too much." " That's right." " Oh, yeah." " I think I'll have a look-see into his file." " Right now?" "If I ask the colonel to see the major's file, and they're co-subversives in sub-security profile, they'll do the old dossier switcheroo and I'll chalk up a zilch." "I wish you came with English subtitles." "He means he'll sneak into the files tonight, right?" "It's called breaking and entering." "Good thing you're a cop, otherwise that's illegal." "You know?" "I've asked you to have a drink because I need help." "From complaints I've heard, you're my kind of people." "Military, dedicated, and a little bit fanatic about good sense." "That's us." "I think I can trust you." "I'm..." " I'm with the ClC." " Not the ClA?" "No." "I just tell people that so they'll think I'm with the cid." "I think I understand." "Now you people got yourself a snootful of security problems around here." "Either of you know a G2 man named Stone?" "He's an engineer." "You're crazy, buddy." "You call me that again, friend, I'll reach into your throat and pull your heart out." "Please, Frank." "I've seen him with his shirt off." " I've got to know who or what Stone's after." " Then you should see my file." "He's kept a list of everybody in this camp who's been disloyal, subversive, or promoted ahead of other doctors because they showed off by saving more lives." " I'd like to have a glimmer at that." " Radar!" " I'm not, sir." " You're not what?" "You're eavesdropping." " Corporal." " Sir?" "How'd you like a nose full of nickels?" "Not a whole lot, sir." " Do you like the jukebox, son?" " Yes, sir." "Get lost, or I'll put your head through the glass and pull it out through the coin return." " Anything else, sir, before I go to the latrine?" " Disappear." "I heard him." "He's going into Major Burns' file." "We're gonna have a double-header tonight." "We should let Flagg go first, he's the senior crazy." " Do you know what he said to me?" " Wait a minute." "Hawk." "Shall we make Frank's files more colourful?" " Good idea." "What'd he say to you, Radar?" " He was gonna shove nickels up my nose." "No kidding." "Which song was he going to play?" "That the signal?" "Either that or Marlene Dietrich's back in town." "Go, tiger." " Burns, get up!" "Let's go, mister." " What is it?" "You're under arrest as a subversive." "I've got enough pictures of your file to have you executed." "Subversive?" "Can't be." "He's got every record Kate Smith ever made." " Get dressed." "You're coming with me." " Hold it." "He's mine." "You'll have to take a number and wait." "Or call ahead." "Everybody wants to arrest him this time of year." " Arrest me?" "What for?" " You're a Communist!" " He's a Fascist!" " I'm not either!" "I'm nothing." "We'll vouch for that." "I've got a list of 17 left-wing organisations and charities you've contributed to." "I never gave a dime to charity." "I believe every man has the right to be poor." "Doesn't explain the Communist front groups." "Those are just a front for these." "There's a new front moving in." "This shows your radical right-wing activities, from being an usher at a Bund meeting to pledging 25 dollars to a Martin Bormann telethon in Argentina." " There's more here, Comrade Burns." " What?" "You're entitled to one phone call to the Kremlin." "Do you deny that last month in Tokyo you attended a performance of the Russian ballet?" " What's wrong with going to the ballet?" " That's how you people operate." "Today you're dancing in Tokyo, tomorrow all over Washington." "You gotta keep on your toes with the Russian ballet." "How about this little item?" "Running a linen laundry for the Ku Klux Klan." "I never!" "It's a lie." "They're all lies!" " Somebody's lying." " That's right, and we know who it is." "It's us." "You two were so intent on finding some breach of security, some leak." "You guys are self-leaking." "Trying to protect yourjobs until you get to the old spies home." " You could do ten years for this." " For simple doctor's file doctoring?" "You can't arrest us." "We got a run-of-the-war contract." "Choppers!" "Choppers, sirs." "Incoming wounded." "Fellas, it's been both a privilege and a nightmare meeting you." "Trap, I owe you one." "You really hit me below the belt." "Come see me." "I do hernias." "Let's get to work, Frank." "Say "Sieg heil" or "Ochi chornye" to the nice gentlemen." "You've slandered one of the finest Americans since my father." " Buy you a cup of coffee, Sam?" " Why not?" "The following is ajoint surveillance report, CIA, G2, relative to personnel investigated, MASH 4077th." "Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce." "Captain John McIntyre." "Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake." "Major Margaret Houlihan and Major Frank Burns." "Corporal Radar O'Reilly." "Final recommendation MASH 4077th:" "Strongly suggest continued observation."