"[IAN LLOYD'S "BROTHER LOUIE" PLAYING]" "Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie" "Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah" "Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie" "Louie, Louie, you're gonna cry" "Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie" "Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah" "Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie" "Louie, Louie, you're gonna die" "Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie" "[CHUCKLING]" "You gotta be kidding me." "Jesus." "[DOOR OPENS]" "[DOOR CLOSES]" "[WATER RUNNING]" "Hey, hey." "What?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Were you gonna go?" "No." "Hey, were" "Are you seriously gonna put your penis in there?" "Sure." "Why would you do that?" "Heaven." "It says it right there." "Have you done that before?" "No." "Then what--?" "How do you know something terrible is not gonna happen to you?" "Why would you take that risk?" "I don't know." "You gotta have faith." "If there is a God, then that dude is an asshole which I know is not a popular belief, but I do think he's an asshole." "Because every story" " Abraham, he went to Abraham in the middle of the night." "There was only like eight guys then." "And God would just, once in a while, he'd just bother one of them." "[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]" "So God went to Abraham's house." "He's like, "Abraham!" "Abraham!" "Wake up, man."" "And Abraham is like, "Dude, what is up, what is up?"" "And God goes, "Kill your son." "Dude, kill your son."" "And Abraham's like, "You mean Isaac?"" ""I don't know his name, just kill him." "Just kill him!" "Aah!" "Ooh, I'm God, kill him."" "And Abraham goes, "Why?"" ""Because you don't love me if you don't do it." "You don't love me." "Do it."" "So Abraham's like, "Dude, you are insecure." "I don't understand you." "But okay, fine."" "[EXHALES]" "Goes, wakes up Isaac, takes him to a mountain somewhere." "I don't know why he had to be all drama queen about it and take him to a mountain." "He could have just killed him in his sleep, pfft, and go back to sleep." "But he took him to a" " Woke the poor kid up, dressed him, took him to a mountain." "Kid's like, "Daddy, what are we doing?"" ""I don't know, just gonna murder you."" "Goes like this." "God shows up right before he does it goes, "Hey, what are you doing?"" "This is in the Bible, I swear to God." "Isaac" " And Abraham goes, "I'm killing Isaac."" "And then God's like, "Why would you--?" "That's your kid." "What is wrong with you?"" "And he's like...." "Ahh." "Ahh." "And he just went home feeling like a piece of shit." "That God is like a shitty girlfriend." ""You won't do it because you don't love me."" ""Okay, I'll do it." "Why are you doing it?"" ""What the **** do you want from me?"" "[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]" "NUN:" "And so Pontius Pilate who was thus instructed by the Jews sentenced the Jesus to be scourged and crucified." "They tied our Lord to a post and whipped him on his back tearing at his skin, and a crown of thorns was put on his" "[STUDENTS LAUGHING]" "Who finds this funny?" "Who?" "Who is amused at the suffering of Christ who sacrificed his life for your sins?" "Sister Carson?" "If Jesus sacrificed his life for my sins, isn't it a waste unless I sin a lot?" "[STUDENTS LAUGHING]" "I can see that I have not done my job." "I can see that I have not imparted to you the true nature of Christ's suffering." "Tomorrow you'll know." "That's it for today." "[DOOR OPENS]" "[DOOR CLOSES]" "[BLOWING A RASPBERRY]" "[CHATTERING]" "Good morning." "Settling down, please." "Since I have obviously failed to illustrate for you the nature of the sacrifice suffered by our Lord I have brought someone here who will give it to you in detail." "This is Dr. Haverford." "Hello, children." "Today we will examine the scourge and crucifixion of Christ from a medical point of view." "I will walk you through the brutal punishment to his body." "And will discuss the damage to the tissues of his body." "What is known as a postmortem or theoretical autopsy." "Yes?" "You mean like we're in the FBI?" "Yes." "Just like that." "That man?" "Brutally beaten and murdered." "And we're the FBI." "The subject is 33 years old sentenced to scourge and crucifixion by Pontius Pilate." "Let's start with the scourge." "Um...." "May I have a volunteer?" "You." "Me?" "Yes, come up here." "You can be our Jesus Christ." "All right, um...." "Take your shirt off." "[STUDENTS CHUCKLING]" "Ah, yes, you're a strong boy." "Well, let's see." "First thing he's tied to a post and the centurions whip his back with one of these." "It's called a flagellum." "And a centurion, a man of peak physical strength raises this above his head and brings it down with full blunt force." "And that's repeated 40 times." "And these thongs of leather rip the skin of the back and then they cut deeper into the subcutaneous tissues producing spurts of arterial bleeding." "Then the skin of the back sags off his body and hangs down in ribbons." "The flesh underneath is just pulp." "They put a robe on his back and they take a crown of thorns and they put it on his head." "And the scalp, being of great vascularity, bleeds profusely." "Blood, blood, blood, blood, blood." "The robe, which is fused to the dripping wound of his back is then ripped off and the pain from this explodes in his brain." "So our victim Jesus Christ, age 33, is laid back on the cross." "Square iron nails are driven through the wrist to the small bones of the arm." "Here." "Another nail is driven into the arch of each foot." "He is tilted up, and as he does, his body sags down putting his full weight on the nail in his feet." "And as he pushes himself upward to avoid this torment he puts the full weight on the median nerve causing excruciating pain." "He's trading one pain for another." "And the compressed heart is struggling to pump thick, heavy sluggish blood to the tissues." "The body of Jesus is now in extremis." "He can feel the chill of death creep through his tissues." "I'll need another volunteer." "You." "Me?" "HAVERFORD:" "Yeah, you." "Come up here." "Do you understand what you were just told?" "Do you now know how the Lord suffered?" "Yes?" "Then show me." "Take this." "Show me where the nail goes in." "Show me, come on." "Take this, take it." "Okay, raise it above your head." "Okay, go ahead then, drive it in." "Do it." "Do it." "Drive the nail in." "What's the matter?" "You can't do it?" "Well, then why'd you do it to him?" "You drove in his nails with your sins." "The son of God, and you let him die with your careless, faithless sins." "And you won't nail them into this brat?" "This godless boy?" "You love him before the Lord?" "[MUMBLES]" "Go ahead." "Nail him in." "Go ahead." "Go ahead." "Nail him in." "Go ahead." "Thank you, doctor." "That's all for today." "[BIRDS CHIRPING]" "I never believed in any of that shit before." "Me neither." "I gotta go, see you later." "See you." "[MOANING]" "[THUNDER CRASHING]" "[INAUDIBLE]" "[SCREAMING]" "[PANTING]" "I'm sorry!" "I'm sorry!" "I did it, it's my fault." "I didn't mean to." "But I did, I did it." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "It's all my fault." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I did it." "I did it." "I'm sorry." "[EXHALES]" "It's all right." "It's all right." "Vandalism and desecration of church property is a serious offense." "I could have your son brought up on charges." "I realize that." "I am so sorry." "I don't know what's gotten into him." "He's been acting so strange the last few days." "Yes." "Well, I am willing to forego legal action considering his age." "But he will have to be punished." "At home." "Uh-huh." "He really shouldn't have done that." "So, what happened in there?" "What is this about?" "I was scared." "Scared of what?" "I did that to Jesus." "It's my fault he got nailed to the cross and blood spurted out of his muscles and his skin was all ribbons." "I did that to him, Mom." "I steal sometimes and I do stuff I shouldn't do." "I drove the nails into Jesus and damaged his nerves and killed him." "Oh, my God." "Wait, is that what they're teaching you in there?" "Yes, it's true." "No, it's not true." "Louie, look at me." "It's not true." "It's not?" "No." "Eh" " You had nothing to do with that man being hurt." "I mean, you were nowhere near the place." "But I'm bad and I sin." "You are not bad." "Listen to me, I am telling you this." "You're a good kid." "Okay, I mean, you make mistakes, you do bad things sometimes because I'm not done raising you, and it's not okay and I'm gonna talk to you about the stealing later." "But you are a good person." "Well, what about Jesus?" "Jesus was a really, really nice guy who lived a long time ago and he told everybody to love each other and, boy, did he get his for that." "But you had nothing to do with it." "I mean, if you ask me, this whole thing's a big cover-up." "But he came back." "No, he...." "He didn't." "Louie, he didn't." "How could he do that, really?" "Come on." "The whole thing, it's a bunch of malarkey." "So you don't believe in any of this?" "No, I don't." "Well, then, why do you make me come here?" "I don't know, I don't know." "You know, I thought it was selfish just because I don't have religion, not to give it to you." "I mean, it's a big deal, religion." "You might want it someday." "But if I'd known it was gonna stress you out this much I never would have done it." "Well, I don't want to go anymore." "Well, it's fine, you don't have to." "So there's no God?" "I don't know, I don't know, Louie, I don't." "All I know is that you have to be good to people whether there is or there isn't." "You have to take that on yourself." "Okay, nobody's gonna watch if you're good but yourself." "It's all on you." "Wow." "Yeah." "Hey, you wanna get some doughnuts?" "Yeah." "[ENGINE SPUTTERING]" "Shit." "[SIGHS]" "But that's a sin, to say the Lord's name in vain." "But you don't even have to say something that terrible." "You can go to hell just for saying Jesus Christ with a tone in your voice." "It's all the tone in your voice, that's the weird part." "It's a very subtle sin, because you can say, "Jesus Christ," you're fine." "But if you say, "Jesus Christ," you go to hell forever." "[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]" "Just for saying it like that." "There must be at least one dude who was right on the line who was like, "Jesus Christ." And then he was in hell he's like, "Seriously?" "For that, that's it?" "Seriously?" "It was a huge pumpkin." "What, was I gonna not say anything?"" "It's one of the top Ten Commandments." "It's in the Ten Commandments to not take the Lord's name in vain." "Rape isn't up there, by the way." "Rape is not a Ten Commandment." "But don't say the dude's name with a shitty attitude." "I think it's so unfair, though, to send people to hell for saying Jesus Christ because it's just too satisfying." "I don't know why that is, but it just feels good." "Oh, Jesus Christ." "It just feels good, it cleans you out." "I don't know why." "Whether you're anger or in pain or having sex or all three at the same time." "What did folks say before that dude?" "How did anybody express themselves in a big moment before Jesus?" "Even the people that knew him, how did they, how did they--?" "The people watching him be crucified, what could they even say watching that happen?" "They're like...." "[MUMBLING]" "That is bananas." "How much would you give me if I take a shit on those people's doorstep right now?" "What?" "Nothing." "I'll shit right on the step right now." "How much will you give me?" "I'm not giving you anything." "Well, I'm not doing it for nothing." "I didn't ask you to do it." "Give me five bucks." "Give me five bucks." "I'm not paying you." "I don't have five bucks." "[SIGHS]" "Give me a dollar." "No." "Give me 10 cents." "Brian, I do not have any money." "Well, what do you have?" "I have a pencil." "Fine, I'll do it for that." "[SIGHS]" "[English" " US" " PSDH]"