"It's the Highway Department's problem, Jerry, not mine." "I'm going to have to call you back." "All right, what are you three doing here?" "Aren't you supposed to be in school?" "Yeah, well, we came to see that UFO you cleared from that field this morning." "You mean the weather balloon." "They got to him." "Who got to me, Dennis?" "The secret government agency in charge of extraterrestrial cover-ups." "How much are they paying you?" "All right, that's enough, guys." "Back to school, now." "Do you think this is a game, Mr. Spencer?" "I assure you it's not." "Inside that grounded Cassiopeian death pod, sits an army of Glornokian mercenaries intent on colonizing our planet and propagating their evil species." "After they probe us." "We should go, he's packing." "There are no such things as UFOs, Shawn." "MAN ON TV:" "Details are still coming in from..." "So, the plaintiff is entitled to compensatory and punitive damages per article 35-A, section J, which..." "(RUMBLING)" "(WIND BLOWING)" "(RUMBLING CONTINUES)" "Oh, Jesus!" "Toby!" "Hey, Roy." "You okay?" "Just came by to drop off the Patterson file and some refills." "Oh, yeah, right." "Listen, did you notice any commotion a moment ago?" "No." "No." "What kind of commotion are we talking about?" "(WHIRRING)" "(WHIRRING CONTINUES)" "(ELECTROMAGNETIC HUMMING)" "Toby!" "Toby!" "Toby, where are you going?" "Toby, no!" "Aren't you forgetting something?" "No." "HENRY:" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Chief said we were supposed to let him drive around with us, get to know our process, we are not currently driving." "You need to stop taking your frustration with Shawn out on Henry." "Better him than the neighbor's cat." "Ow!" "I could have suffocated in there." "Please." "I cracked the window." "I'm glad that Shawn peanut-buttered your phone the other day." "I knew that was him." "Guys!" "I still have Jif in my ear." "Mr. Kessler, I am Detective O'Hara and this is Detective Lassiter, and this is Henry Spencer who helps us coordinate our investigations." "(SCOFFS)" "So, sir, I understand you witnessed a kidnapping last night." "I'd say it was more of an abduction." "Do you have any idea who the perpetrator was?" "Yes." "An extraterrestrial." "How come the crazies never live close by?" "Listen, I know it sounds nuts, but I'm telling you," "I saw it with my own eyes!" "An alien came down and snatched a young lawyer that works at my firm." "Toby Shore." "Mr. Kessler, no offense, but I think you're going to have a hard time finding anyone to believe a story like that." "Was he tall and scaly or short with a huge lollipop head?" "Tall, I think." "Reptilian." "Probably hostile." "All right people, we're going to need a Speak  Spell and seven pounds of mashed potatoes." "Enough." "Mr. Kessler, if your co-worker doesn't show up in the next eight hours, feel free to file a missing persons report." "Until then, stop wasting our time." "You owe me a new phone." "You have a very nice home." "This UFO, was it more like a bright sphere or two soup bowls glued together?" "Ah, no it was a sphere, definitely." "What are you guys?" "Are you UFO chasers?" "(CHUCKLES) Nothing as ridiculous as that." "We're psychic detectives." "And we can help you get to the bottom of what happened last night." "Oh, fantastic." "You're hired." "Shawn, may I have a word?" "I really don't think you should take this case." "Well, I don't think you should be dropping the dime on my peanut-butter pranks." "Look, we all know there's 0% chance that you don't end up believing this kook." "SHAWN:" "How do you figure that?" "Because you want to believe him, Shawn." "Just like you wanted to believe it wasn't a weather balloon when you were a kid, and you wanted to believe that it was aliens that abducted Joe Piscopo." "That remains my theory until someone can pinpoint the man's whereabouts." "Don't worry, Mr. Spencer." "I promise you, we will not let our interest in UFOs affect our judgment." "Good." "Because you run around town telling everybody that an alien did this, you're going to look like a couple of nut jobs." "Shawn, I can't hire nut jobs." "Dad, would you relax, please?" "Obviously, we don't think aliens are responsible." "Good." "(CAR HORN HONKING) Hold your horses!" "Because if aliens did do this, there'd be signs of electrical disruptions." "(LAUGHS) Exactly." "What else would we see, Gus?" "Well, there most definitely would be a visible ground disturbance." "Right." "So, where do you guys want to start?" "How about your terrace?" "Whoa." "I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth" "I know, you know They just don't have any proof" "Embrace the deception Learn how to bend" "Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end" "GUS:" "All those people who gave you, Dennis and I flack for believing in aliens in school," "Jeff Garrett and that female Russian exchange student who stole my wallet, they're going to eat their words when this goes public." "I've got news, Gus." "Toby Shore was not abducted by an alien." "What?" "But what about the lights and grass and stuff?" "Look, it's time we learned it's never the crazy suspects." "It wasn't a mummy, it wasn't the devil, it wasn't even Bigfoot." "Bigfoot?" "When did we suspect Bigfoot?" "Missing school bus case." "I mean, there were bite marks in the cushion." "The driver's seat was pushed back six feet." "Right." "Okay, okay." "You're probably right that it's not an alien, but why don't we keep investigating just to be sure?" "(SIGHS) Because my dad actually makes a valid point." "It's going to be hard to get any objective work done when we're both secretly hoping that it's an alien." "So we can rub it in Jeff Garrett's face." "No, Gus, we have to let that go." "So what are you saying, that we pass on a case?" "No." "Your $1,200 balance on your JCPenney card is not going to pay for itself." "We just have to acknowledge our mutual tendency to think unreasonably about this topic and police ourselves accordingly." "How?" "All right." "If one of us starts leaning towards the alien theory, other one gets to flick him in the ear." "That's an incredibly stupid idea." "You have exactly three seconds to beat it." "Three, two, one." "(BUZZES)" "Now how was that fair?" "Now, let's find out what, if anything, happened here last night." "Roy?" "May I call you Phil?" "I'd rather you didn't." "Fair enough." "How many beers did you have last night?" "Just one." "Oh, come on, what?" "Are you implying that I beer goggled an alien abduction?" "Happened to Gus last New Year's." "I hit the White Zin hard." "I promise you, I was sober as a judge." "Let me ask you this, if Toby wasn't abducted last night, what happened to him?" "Maybe he left when you weren't looking." "His car is still in the driveway." "And listen to this, when I went out to move it this morning, it wouldn't start." "The car's brand new." "Really?" "You know, cars often lose battery power when they come in contact with UFOs." "Ow!" "Thank you." "Have you tried calling him?" "Yeah, about 50 times." "It just goes straight to voicemail." "Maybe he's out of range." "Ah!" "What the hell was that for?" "You were implying he's in space." "GUS:" "No, I wasn't." "Yes, you were." "Where are you going?" "Mr. Kessler, maybe we should talk to your neighbors to see if they saw anything." "Good luck with that." "Nearest one's about half a mile away." "Listen, you got to believe me." "I was just sitting at the desk last night, and the whole house started to shake." "And then there were these lights and then this..." "I was hearing this weird sound." "It sounded like... (HUMMING NEW AGE MELODY)" "No, it sounded nothing like that." "Oh, really?" "I'm sorry." "I was actually trying to make this sound." "(WHIRRING)" "That's it." "That's it." "That's the sound." "You weren't even close." "You know I struggle with tone deafness." "Why would you..." "Now, do you believe me?" "Before we answer that question, we'll need to consult an expert." "Hi, we're looking for Dennis Gogolack." "Shawn?" "Gus?" "Dennis?" "No." "Get the hell out of here." "I don't believe it!" "What an awesome surprise." "What are you guys doing?" "It's been forever." "Wow." "We didn't even recognize you now that you're..." "What?" "Not fat and nerdy?" "It's okay." "It's the truth." "I credit my personal trainer and Lasiks." "Losing the wizard's cloak also helped." "Come on." "Get inside here." "Wow." "That's interesting." "Yeah, my wife's into stuff that dangles." "Looks like the software business has been good to you, Dennis." "Very good." "Oh, hey, guys." "I'm Dennis' wife, Molly." "That was the creepiest "very" that I've ever heard." "DENNIS:" "Hey." "MOLLY:" "Hey, babe." "Babe, this is Shawn and Gus." "These are two good friends of mine from back in grade school, and now they're psychic detectives." "How cool is that?" "Really cool." "Nice meeting you guys." "Why didn't you tell me that we were having friends over, Denny?" "Actually, we didn't give Denny much of a heads-up." "Here's the thing." "We're investigating a case that may have involved an alien abduction." "And being that your husband is one of the foremost experts on the topic..." "(LAUGHS)" "I'm sorry, guys." "I'm afraid I'm not much of an expert anymore." "(SCOFFS) It's been 20 years since I was into that stuff." "Oh, well, that's me..." "Same here, bro." "Beer." "Yeah, Denny's a total jock." "Guilty." "I'm guilty as charged." "Wow." "Oh, good, you did, like, a little..." "Explosion." "You guys don't have to take off yet, we've got some catching up to do." "Ah, actually, we're under a bit of a time crunch." "Ah, let me just give you a quick tour of the place." "Oh, Denny, I was actually going to go hang with the girls, though." "Is that okay?" "Yeah." "Okay." "Nice meeting you guys." "Very nice." "Stop it." "Come on." "Come check out my office." "All right." "I gotta say, Dennis," "I'm surprised that you of all people outgrew the whole nerd thing." "I mean, come on, you were a class three Dungeon Master with your own set of custom 12-sided dice." "(HYDRAULIC SYSTEM SOUNDING)" "Let's go." "What?" "Oh, my..." "You are a closet nerd." "SHAWN:" "Literally." "Dude." "What?" "You have a replica of Captain Adama's helmet from the original Battlestar Galactica?" "And LeVar Burton's glasses from Star Trek!" "Those aren't replicas, gentlemen." "DENNIS:" "I got those for 15 grand a pop at auction." "I have never been so motivated to make money." "Wait until I show you where the magic happens." "And I mean that literally." "There's another hidden room downstairs where I practice my magic tricks." "Why all the secrecy?" "Well, look, when I first met Molly, it was clear she was only into guys' guys, so, you know, that's who I pretended to be." "She ended up buying it." "I guess I've been pretending ever since." "(EXCLAIMING)" "Sounds exhausting." "You have no idea." "Every day is a new challenge." "Whether it's trying to draw blanks during Jeopardy!" "Or having to sneak in here every time I want to track some UFO activity or sew a new Renaissance Faire costume." "Excellent stitch work, My Liege." "Thanks, Gus." "The worst is when I'm around Molly's friends' husbands." "I have to say inane stuff like, "Beer me," or" ""Yeah, I'd totally hit that."" "What exactly am I hitting?" "Most likely an attractive lady." "Okay, that's horrible." "Is it really worth it, Den?" "Have you seen my wife?" "Listen, Dennis, we need your opinion on this recording." "Gus is convinced it's a UFO." "Let's hear it." "(WHIRRING)" "Based on my research," "I'd say that's a voyager pod from the Serpens Dwarf galaxy or bad new age music." "But if you had to choose." "Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second." "If you guys can give me the time and location," "I could check the sky activity." "I hacked into the National Weather Service's computer a few years back and can pretty much access their radar database whenever I want." "All right." "Well, he lives at 25 Buckskin Drive." "And it happened around 11:00 at night." "Nothing." "Well, what do you know?" "Wait a minute." "You better try 10:44 just to be safe." "(KEYBOARD CLICKING)" "SHAWN:" "You got to be kidding me." "(STUTTERING) What is that?" "(INHALES DEEPLY)" "Ah, Den?" "Dennis, you all right there, buddy?" "(SPRAYING)" "She doesn't even know that you're asthmatic?" "No." "And she never will." "(SPRAYING)" "(SIGHS)" "All right, Gus, I can't believe that I'm about to say this." "What?" "I think Toby got abducted." "So do I. You do?" "Yes." "Sweet." "Why are we both covering our ears then?" "I don't know." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, tell me you're not calling Jeff Garrett." "No." "Roy." "He needs to know that we believe him." "All right, but make sure you tell him to keep it on the QT." "I know." "Right." "I'm standing here just outside the home of prominent local attorney Roy Kessler who's joined me now and has a rather shocking announcement to make." "Mr. Kessler." "Well, last night I witnessed aliens abduct a fellow co-worker." "People are going to think he's nuts." "And I can prove it thanks to the fine investigative work being done by psychic detectives" "Shawn Spencer and Gurton Buster." "Gurton what?" "Oh, my God, I look like k.d. lang." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Yes, Dad, we'll be right there." "Look, before you go off on us, answer me this question, do you think that picture of me on the news makes me look like" "I should be singing Constant Craving?" "Shawn, what did I tell you about taking this case?" "Mr. Spencer, we have hard evidence on this one." "Not to mention the fact that Roy Kessler is a respected attorney, not some crazy conspiracy theorist." "Are you kidding?" "That's exactly what he is." "Shawn, have you ever heard of Budding Textiles?" "That's the company that had to fork out millions for the chemical spill." "Uh-huh, it got hundreds of people sick." "And do you know who thinks it was done on purpose?" "Erin Brockovich!" "Roy Kessler." "He's preparing a lawsuit against them." "We didn't know that." "Yeah, I suppose you also didn't know he's being heavily medicated for anxiety." "He misses a dose and he's prone to psychotic episodes." "Last year, he claims to have seen a panda in his company's kitchen." "That's not crazy at all." "Pandas are big eaters." "Ten years ago, Kessler claimed, you got it, he saw a UFO while on vacation." "Saucer or sphere?" "You know, you two wouldn't have missed this kind of stuff if you hadn't been so blinded by your childish interests." "Okay, first of all, the only thing we were blinded by is..." "Science!" "That never gets old." "Nope." "And tell me this, if Toby wasn't abducted, where the hell is he?" "Right in there." "HENRY:" "He took a cab to his parents' house that night after his car wouldn't start." "Turned off his phone, and he slept in." "(SIGHS)" "Nice going, man." "Ow!" "Ow!" "(FLICKING CONTINUES)" "Stop it!" "I remember him muttering all this stuff about lights and ships, and I thought it was just Roy being Roy." "And then I turned on the TV today and heard his insane theory." "I wouldn't call it insane." "Would you let it go?" "TOBY:" "I tried everything I could to get him to take his meds." "I would even pick them up at the pharmacy for him and bring them to him directly." "Man, he's going to hear it at the office on Monday." "Actually, your firm just suspended him until he completes a month's stay at a mental health facility." "Wow." "Who's going to get all his cases?" "We're available." "Isn't that right, Mr. Spencer?" "Gus here is a whiz at LegalZoom." "My cousin has a personal injury law firm called Accidentes." "Heard of it?" "No, I haven't." "You will." "You will." "Good work, people." "Papa bear." "(LAUGHS)" "You know what, Gus?" "I really don't appreciate being snickered at." "Never again are we investigating something related to one of our childhood obsessions." "But what if it's a Pop Rocks murder?" "That is the exception." "Excuse me, Spencer, quick question, how does it feel to be so wrong that you are now a walking joke?" "Just like you, minus the kind boots and the soft eyes." "(LAUGHS) Wow." "This is really a big moment for me." "I may even do a little dance." "Oh, yes, I will." "CARLTON: (SINGING) No, he doesn't..." "All right, that's it, Gus." "We are going to find out what really happened, and we are going to clear our good names." "Let me ask you something, if you were up and coming at a law firm, and you were abducted by aliens..." "Because that happens." "Would you tell anyone?" "I know I wouldn't because they would think I was nuts." "Like I do right now." "That dude was not abducted, Gus." "Okay, well, you have three seconds to come up with a better theory to explain all this weirdness." "All right." "Three, two, one." "(BUZZES)" "That's my trick." "How do you explain the radar, the recording, the indentation on the lawn?" "Let me tell you, it was a plane on the radar, someone cranking Yanni on the recorder, and the indentation could have been a million things." "Shawn, how do you explain the three strange markings on Toby's arm?" "You saw those?" "Of course, I did, and I didn't have to do this." "Are you mocking my "It's a clue" face?" "Yep." "Do it again." "I don't look like that." "Yes, you do." "You're a bastard." "Shawn, you know that abductees often have strange markings on their skin." "So do I when I don't use enough sunscreen." "Now, come here." "Stand still and let me flick your ear." "He was abducted, Shawn." "Was not." "Yes, he was." "No, he wasn't." "Yes, he was." "Was not." "Wasn't." "Yes, he was." "Wasn't infinity!" "If you're going to act like a child about this, then we're going to have to bring in a third party to settle this disagreement." "Fine." "Who?" "He was definitely abducted." "The markings combined with the other details have me convinced." "Why would I tag in a guy with a custom-made Ewok costume?" "Hey, what's the name of that law firm he works at?" "Wilcox, Kessler and something." "Why?" "What are you doing?" "Getting his work address so you can spy on this guy." "Look, fellas, you have to see if he's exhibiting the other telltale abduction signs." "You know this." "Paranoia, the compulsion to travel to unknown areas." "Suicidal tendencies." "Spewing nonsense with authority." "Oh, wait, that's you guys." "You mock but I'm still waiting on a better theory from you." "All right, it was Toby." "Why did he just tilt his head and squint?" "It's his "I got a clue" face." "Think about it, Gus, Toby knew he stood to inherit all of Roy's cases if he could just get him out of the way." "So he arranged for him to have one of his psychotic episodes." "How?" "I would even pick the meds up from the pharmacy and bring them to him directly." "Tampering with his meds." "And you know what?" "It worked like a charm." "Roy goes nuts, the next day, Toby's a major player at the firm." "Let's go." "Where are we going?" "Well, we're going to take Dennis' advice, do a little spying on our boy." "What can I do?" "Lend us some sweet disguises." "Fellas, just tell me what you need." "I have never felt cooler." "You've never looked cooler." "Dennis is going to have to pry this helmet off my cold dead noggin." "There's Toby." "Dude, he's sweating and shaking." "Have you been seeing clues this whole time?" "Paranoia is one of the telltale signs of an abduction." "It's also the sign of a guy with a guilty conscience." "Stop saying stupid things." "You're a disgrace to those glasses." "He's bolting, Gus!" "(WOMAN EXCLAIMS)" "He's wandering into unknown areas." "This helmet is not made for running!" "I should have borrowed Charlton Heston's scarf from Soylent Green!" "I can't see out these glasses, Shawn!" "Where'd he go?" "Where'd he go?" "We lost him!" "Son of a... (PHONE RINGING)" "Hello?" "TOBY:" "Is this Shawn Spencer?" "Toby?" "You got to help me." "They're following me." "Whoa, whoa, calm down, man." "Who's following you?" "I don't know." "I think it's the black dude from Star Trek and some white guy in a ridiculous helmet." "Which is your opinion." "Where are you?" "Listen to me." "Roy Kessler was telling the truth." "(QUIETLY) I told you." "I told you." "I told you." "Okay, you need to come meet us." "I can't." "It's too dangerous." "Meet me in an hour in front of the Lansdowne Hotel." "Lansdowne." "Got it." "Dude, did you just break Dennis' helmet?" "Well, it clearly wasn't made for running, Gus." "Was that scarf worth going back to Dennis'?" "Is Soylent Green people?" "Now let's go get this confession out of Toby." "You mean admission that he was abducted." "Let's start with the non-bat-crap angle, shall we?" "Shawn, you heard him say Kessler was telling the truth." "Gus, you really putting me in a tough spot here, man." "You don't think I want to be the guy riffing on how aliens abducted Toby, and what they did to him when they brought him on board the mother ship?" "They probed him and placed an embryo in his stomach that's going to hatch out his eardrum in 12 days." "I can't do it." "Someone has to hold the sanity bag in this partnership and, quite frankly, I miss the days when it used to be you." "Shawn, he's exhibiting all the telltale signs." "Paranoia, check." "Nervousness, check." "Ah!" "Oh, my gosh." "Suicidal tendencies." "Check." "(SIGHS) Hey, Jules, what's the word?" "We just found out that Toby wired all of the money from his bank account, about 500 grand, to a charity an hour before his death." "We haven't found a note yet, but it's looking like suicide." "I don't know about that." "You think it's strange that a junior lawyer has that kind of account balance?" "Not to mention the fact he was Roy Kessler's former co-worker?" "No, my senses are telling me there is definitely more to this..." "Much more." "Subtle." "Let me guess, you think the Loch Ness monster did it." "All right, what are you two doing here?" "Came to get going on the Toby Shore case." "Why?" "You're not being hired on it." "Surely you can't be serious." "Son, I warned you, I can't stick my neck out for two guys who are currently viewed as the village idiots." "Village idiots?" "Who here thinks that?" "Dirty Larry?" "Jules?" "Sorry." "Gus and I might be a lot of things..." "Handsome." "Chiseled." "Intelligent." "Urbane." "Whatever that means." "But we are not idiots." "Oh!" "Oh, I'm sorry, guys." "My bad." "That's all me." "But come on, who needs a fan this big?" "Seriously." "Leave now." "Fine." "Fine." "We're out." "All right." "Smooth move." "Come on, man, give a brother some credit." "Let's see what we got here." "Nada, recipe for Juliet's weird cleanse." "Preliminary coroner's report." "What does it say?" "Apparently, they found a strange object in Toby's stomach." "Embryo." "Come on." "Woodrow!" "Hey, boys." "You have got to try these French fries." "They're killer." "We ate." "Thanks." "For the last time." "We need to talk to you about the autopsy you did on Toby Shore." "What about it?" "Come on, buddy, we know you're hiding something." "Fine." "I stole his watch." "You did what?" "Hmm?" "Nothing." "Hey, how about some fried clams?" "We want to know what you found in his stomach." "I cannot tell you that." "I will get in trouble." "Really?" "More or less trouble than you'd get in for looting corpses?" "The object was a flash drive." "Now, when you say flash drive, is that coroner code for an alien embryo that hatches in people's ear?" "No." "That's the word "starfish."" "This was a legitimate four gigabyte flash drive." "There were..." "I take notes." "Abrasions on his lungs, which implied he swallowed it moments before his death." "Interesting." "What about the markings on his left arm?" "That was birthmark." "Ha!" "Where is this flash drive now?" "I believe it's with Detective Lassiter." "Great." "Thanks, Woody." "You stay creepy." "You know I will." "You know, Spencer, the minute you refused to hire that smarmy fortune-telling kid of yours, you officially made it off my crap list." "Here." "See." "You actually have a crap list?" "I like to keep track of people who've wronged me over the years." "You know people like your son, my mother." "Olympia freaking Dukakis." "You disturb me." "Do I?" "Welcome back, Henry." "But I got to say, it is really nice to finally be able to do some real police work without worrying about your son interfering." "What the hell?" "Can I get somebody from IT over here?" "Johnson, come help me out!" "I'm not sure how comfortable I am hacking a police computer." "Relax." "It's his personal one." "Which reminds me, check the Internet search history." "All right." "Let's see." "Grenadefancy. com." "Squirrelassassins. com." "(LAUGHS)" "And..." "That's gross." "That man needs Jesus." "Let's see what's on that flash drive, shall we?" "Sorry, Gus, doesn't look like a blueprint for an alien fertility lab." "Shocker." "DENNIS:" "It's just a bunch of legal documents related to Budding Textiles." "GUS:" "That's that insane case Kessler was working on." "He believed the Budding chemical spill was done on purpose." "That is crazy." "I've got something." "BOTH:" "We know." "Damn, I really got to stop doing that." "MOLLY:" "Denny, where are you?" "Quick!" "Quick, gotta get out of here!" "Go, go, go!" "Denny?" "Denny?" "One minute, babe!" "Denny?" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Hey, guys, what's going on in here?" "You know, guy stuff." "Steak." "Denny, you can't host a football party from inside your office." "Come on." "Taylor just got a safety." "Sweet." "I'll be right there, babe." "Okay." "Bye, Molly." "What's a safety?" "Really?" "Look, Dennis, why don't you blow off this party and come with Gus and I?" "Where are we going?" "Yeah, where are we going?" "I'm not entirely sure, but I know it involves a small town and some potential danger." "Oh, wow, that sounds cool." "How much danger?" "But I can't, man." "Molly would kill me." "Dennis, you're never going to know what it feels like to be a normal guy as long as you're pretending to be something that you're not." "Trust me, he knows." "Come on." "It's time for you to get out there and experience some real life, non-virtual adventure." "He's right." "It's time to come out of the nerd closet." "I'm sorry, guys, I just can't." "I really like having sex with my wife." "Don't say it." "What's wrong with you, man?" "Now's the point where you tell me what the hell we're doing here." "Guess who's now the proud owner of this home?" "Along with the 700 similar ones that make up this tiny town?" "Shawn, if you say us, I'm going to punch you in the face." "Budding Textiles." "It's the last one they purchased." "Why would Budding want a bunch of crappy houses on poisoned land?" "Here's a better question, what is the world's coolest truck doing here?" "Looks like a Decepticon." "It's not a Decepticon, Gus." "It's made in Fresno." "Whatever it is, I highly suggest we do not touch it." "(ENGINE STARTS)" "Shawn!" "Gus, the keys were already in the ignition." "What was I supposed to do?" "Not start it." "It's not that easy." "Actually, it is." "All right, you know, when Toby said that Roy Kessler was telling the truth, he didn't mean an abduction, he meant the lawsuit against Budding." "That makes no sense, Shawn." "Why would they intentionally spill chemicals?" "To get people to leave." "What?" "In all the ridiculous science classes you've taken over the years, did you ever learn about hydrocarbons?" "Of course I did." "They're organic compounds found mainly in crude oil." "If there's a high percentage of them in soil does that mean that there's oil underneath?" "Not necessarily." "You'd have to check using a machine that sends sonic vibrations into the Earth, which help... (THUMPING)" "I think we're in one of those machines." "Why must you always touch stuff, Shawn?" "(MACHINE POWERS DOWN)" "It stopped shaking, Shawn." "Oh." "Gus, I feel like a bobblehead." "You look like an idiot." "Come on." "Try it." "I'm not doing that." "Get it on it." "I don't want to." "It's fun!" "Fine." "Dude, you look ridiculous." "But think about it, it all makes sense." "Budding figured out that this town is sitting on a gold mine so what does he do?" "He orchestrates a chemical spill to drive everyone away." "That way, he wouldn't have to share any of the profits." "Exactly." "Which I imagine dwarfs the cost of lawsuits and land purchases." "And Kessler was on to all of this." "Which sort of freaks me out." "Why?" "Because it makes me wonder what else he was telling the truth about." "(WIND BLOWING)" "(SCREAMING)" "(GUS SCREAMS)" "I don't want to get probed, Gus!" "What are you worried about?" "You're the one who's less exotic!" "Wait!" "Get in here." "(EXCLAIMING)" "Well, boys, start talking." "About what exactly?" "How about a story?" "Would you like to hear a story?" "Please." "I always enjoy a good one." "All right, once upon there was this greedy CEO think, uh, what, Stephen Lang?" "Esque." "Anyway, he wanted to kill this lawyer because the lawyer was on the verge of ruining his evil master plan, but he couldn't, because the lawyer had prepared a legitimate case against him." "Hot start." "Please continue." "He figured out that if he could make the lawyer look whacko, the case would be dismissed as some nutty conspiracy theory, but how?" "Ten years ago, Kessler claimed to have seen, you got it, a UFO." "Light bulb." "He would convince the lawyer he'd witnessed an abduction." "See, he already had this fancy 'copter so all he had to do was add some extra lighting, pump some Enya b-sides through the sound system and then figure out how to trip the electricity." "He most likely used an EMP device." "What is that, a pregnancy test?" "No." "Doesn't make any sense, Gus." "Would you just let me tell the story?" "EMP not EPT." "It produces an electrical pulse." "Okay, you know what?" "There is a fine line between being knowledgeable and arrogant." "Enough." "I'm on the edge of my seat here." "SHAWN:" "Right." "Well, it all worked like a charm with one exception." "See, the young lawyer that he paid 500 Gs to set up this guy, had a change of heart once he came across the dismissed case file." "But it was still just a minor mishap for our CEO because he is a problem solver." "I like his style." "Yeah?" "And he was in the clear until he came across two young go-getters and they were onto everything." "Who he then proceeded to let go because they promised not to tell a soul." "Swore." "They swore because that's stronger than a promise." "(SCOFFS)" "(LAUGHS)" "That's not going to happen." "It's..." "It's not?" "What?" "And to think I only picked you up for trespassing." "Whoops." "Lead them out back." "(WHISPERING) Don't worry." "I texted my dad." "Cops will be here any minute." "(EXCLAIMS)" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "(KNOCKING CONTINUES)" "Who is it?" "MAN:" "Messenger service." "Hey, I have a delivery for you to sign." "Dennis?" "What's he doing here?" "I don't know." "Let's see some ID." "Yeah." "Yeah, sure." "(EXCLAIMING)" "Oh!" "And he spent the rest of his miserable life in jail." "The end." "(GROANS) My lip." "Dude, how did you find us?" "I cloned Shawn's cell phone earlier." "I think I did some real damage to my premolars." "It's okay, Dennis, you looked like a badass until you clocked yourself in the face." "You needed this, man!" "(DOOR SLAMMING)" "JULIET:" "Hands in the air!" "(SIGHS)" "You, hands in the air!" "Put those down!" "Put them down!" "Lassie!" "Don't do it!" "Wait!" "Wait!" "Put it down now!" "No, put the gun down!" "(SURGING)" "He didn't need that." "Yeah, I see it now." "Right?" "I look like I just finished a set at Lilith Fair." "Hey, Lassie." "All right, let me have it." "No." "I have other things to do with my time than gloat about being a hero." "And the fact that you unnecessarily caused one of our friends to whizz himself." "I'm actually here for some police advice." "Really?" "No." "It's boogie time." "(SCOFFS) Is there ever a high road between you guys?" "Shawn, Gus." "Jerks." "Well, well, well." "If it isn't ignore-your-son's-urgent-text man." "It's a good thing you told Juliet and she took it seriously." "Well, I thought you guys were still goofing around." "Your credibility hasn't been too high of late." "That's no excuse." "You can make it up to us by approving these expenses." "What?" "$7,000 in dental work for Dennis Gogolack?" "And a new pair of underpants." "Twenty-two packs of Razzles?" "Season tickets to the Los Angeles Sparks of the WNBA?" "Are you guys serious about this stuff?" "As a Rebecca Lobo set shot." "Class." "All right, look, I'll think about it." "In the meantime, Chief Vick wants you to take a look at this counterfeit thing." "BOTH:" "Oh, look at that." "Now you want us." "Well, guess what, it's going to cost you." "How much?" "Two grand." "1,500." "Sorry, heroes don't work for less than two large." "Fine." "Sweet." "Now can we see you make it official?" "Yeah, just put it right in the old bippity, boppity..." "GUS:" "Hmm-mmm." "What..." "Thanks, Dad." "We'll start tomorrow." "Tomorrow?" "Why not right now?" "Because we've got to visit some friends." "My god, Shawn, you look like Billie Jean King." "Detonate the Pillar of Autumn." "I know how to play." "I got to say, I can't thank you enough for clearing my good name." "I don't know how I'll ever repay you." "I do have a coroner buddy who's in some pretty hot water over a stolen watch." "Consider him represented." "Thanks, Roy." "I must say, this whole experience has taught me a really important lesson when it comes to some of the crazy stuff that I often see." "There's an explanation for everything?" "No." "It's that the eyes never lie." "Did I tell you guys I once saw Bigfoot?" "What?" "Oh, you think I'm nuts, don't you?" "Male or female?" "Was he driving a school bus?" "No..." "Babe." "Where am I standing right now?" "Denny?" "What's going on?" "You know, it's dudes being dudes." "Cigars." "So, listen, there's something I need to tell you." "I'm not actually a jock." "I'm a giant nerd." "I don't know what to say." "Are you angry?" "No, I'm pissed." "Do you know that I've seen every single episode of the original Battlestar Galactica like 50 times?" "I never told you because I thought you looked down on that stuff." "You gotta be kidding?" "No." "What do you think I was watching while you went away on that business conference last weekend?" "I wasn't at a business conference." "I was at Comic-Con." "No way." "I wanted to go to that." "I love you." "Aw." "I love you." "She just got even hotter." "What?" "I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth" "I know, you know They just don't have any proof" "Embrace the deception Learn how to bend" "Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end" "I know, you know" "I know, you know" "I know, you know"