"( theme music playing )" "i am not normally a drinking man especially at half past 8:00 in the morning, but my nerves are shot to pieces." "i feel like a cat who has used up eight of its nine lives." "why am i in this state, i hear you ask?" "i will tell you, i hear myself reply." "firstly, i have a cellar full of 258 exploding christmas puddings." "secondly, the british airmen who were supposed to leave last night are, needless to say, back here, following yet another british intelligence cock-up!" "between you and me, if there were enough money in that till i would elope with my waitress yvette and start a new life." "she is nearly 20 years younger than i am, so, it would not be a very long life, but it would be a rather enjoyable one." "rene." "oh, what?" "michelle is in the back room." "she wishes to speak to us all." "oh, not again, girls." "did she ask you to listen very carefully?" "oh, yes, she has already done that bit." "good, because we should be opening soon, you know." "london has come up with a bold and daring plan to get the british airmen back to england." "i see." "what harebrained scheme are they suggesting this time?" "are they sending a submarine up the canal at midnight?" "it was supposed to be a secret!" "i do not believe this." "but michelle, surely the canal is not deep enough." "do not underestimate the brilliance of the british navy." "two brave sailors are bringing a midget 2-man submarine." "how do you get four men into a 2-man submarine?" "rene, you forget that two of the men are midgets." "no, madame edith." "they are normal sailors." "it is the submarine that is a midget." "where do they put the airmen?" "the airmen will sit astride wearing diving helmets." "it is a bold and daring plan." "and we have not had eels on the menu for a long time." "we will explain it to the airmen." "come. they are in the cellar." "wait." "now listen to me, yvette." "i can no longer stand the strain of this dangerous life." "why do we not just run away together?" "we will do so." "oh, rene, please say yes." "i just said yes." "what?" "we will go to switzerland, take the paintings, and hide in the mountains until the war is over." "oh, rene!" "nobody must suspect a thing." "from now on we will not even talk to each other." "when i am ready i will send you a note telling you the time of the train." "oh, rene, i am so happy, i can hardly control myself." "this is everything i have ever wanted." "let us have one last embrace before we do not speak to each other again." "both:" "aah." "until the train." "until the train." "shop!" "rene, there has been a serious development." "you are to come with me to the office of colonel von strohm." "you are to bring with you the two knockwurst sausages containing the portrait of the fallen madonna with the big boobies by von clomp, and the cracked vase with the big daisies by van gogh." "i see." "i am just about to open at the moment, but i promise i will pop round without fail before teatime." "guards, come in here!" "helga, what is going on?" "escort this man and the two sausages to the office of the town commandant." "i will get the sausages." "stay close to him." "colonel, rene is outside with the sausages." "bring him in." "bring him in here!" "you may go." "not you!" "good morning, colonel." "these were perfectly safe in my larder until after the war, you know." "we cannot keep them until after the war." "the general has been ordered by hitler to send them at once to berlin." "fortunately, i also brought the two forgeries." "hitler is taking no chances." "he is sending an art expert to authenticate the paintings." "if we do not produce them, we will all be sent to the russian front." "colonel, he has made that threat before many times." "this time it's serious." "we've already been fitted out with clothes." " ( knock at door ) - come in, gruber!" "colonel, the outfit is ready for you now." "don't worry, gruber, rene has brought us the paintings." "this is a great relief." "i did not fancy marching all the way to moscow with tennis racquets on my feet." "paintings on the table." "but we were going to sell the paintings to keep us all after the war." "that, rene, is all in the past." "this is terrible." "there is worse to come." "the general has demanded we shoot the peasant who been hiding them." "but i am the pe..." "you would not shoot me!" "do not worry, rene." "we have known you a long time." "we all feel very close to you." "we have decided to allow you to escape." "thank you, colonel." "we are going to give you 60 seconds start, commencing now. go." "rene, not this way." "through the window, over the balcony," " down the ivy." " eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15... could you start the clock again?" "one, two, three, four... thank you, uncle." "that is all i wished to know." "i have just been on the telephone to my godfather, heinrich himmler." "he informs me that hitler could not have telephoned general von klinkerhoffen, because for the last week he has been shacked up in a tent deep in the black forest, having the secret nooky with eva braun." "i always thought hitler was far above that sort of thing." "on the contrary." "he is crumpet mad." "the general is up to something." "where is the painting now?" "it is already in the general's possession." "a swedish art expert has arrived from switzerland to verify it." "it will then be transported by train to berlin." "von smallhausen, come here!" "you yelled for me, herr flick?" "do you have upon your person your pocket gestapo railway timetable?" " yes, herr flick." " good." "von smallhausen and i will be on this train." "we will recover the painting." "we will sell it and then we will run away to a tropical island." "there we will lead a simple life together, dressed in banana leaves, as we frolic in the surf under the warm sun." "does this appeal to you?" "all except the sea." "i am not a very good swimmer." "( knock on door ) colonel, the general is on his way and the swedish art expert is outside." "what are you doing with the telephone?" "with a small piece of chewing gum, i have fixed the cradle so i can hear on helga's phone every word that's spoken." "i see." "and for what reason are we doing this?" "we must find out on which train the paintings are leaving." " hell hitler!" " hell hitler." "come in here with me." "this is the well-known swedish art expert, yoop hoop de hoop." "delighted to make your acquaintance in person." " where are the paintings?" " on the table, general." "good." "examine them." "you two, wait outside." "yes, general." "you will stay 10 feet away from the keyhole." " sit behind the desk." " yes, general." "wait here until i return." "don't think i'm going to fall for the old chewing gum on the phone trick." "gruber, quick, outside." "get to the window, up the ivy." "it being such an important mission, would you not prefer to do this yourself?" "i'm too heavy for the ivy." "there's no doubt about it." "i'd stake my reputation that both of these are the authentic works of the masters." "my client will be most satisfied." "good. i am pleased to hear it." "now to the little matter of a million in gold bars." "i will be most happy to hand them to you." "hmm. that would seem to be correct." "the paintings are yours." "i will take them personally to geneva." "will that be safe?" "the night express to geneva has in its guard's van a safe." "my destination and mission are known only to you and to my client." "i don't think we have anything to worry about." "hell hitler!" "general, do me a favor." "you may have your office back." "i have finished with it." " hell hitler!" " hell hitler!" "gruber!" "gruber!" "did you hear anything?" "helga!" "what are you doing there?" "just ordinary eavesdropping, colonel." "i was hoping to discover the destination of our paintings." "did you find anything out?" "happily, yes." "where's gruber?" "( gruber shouting ) i am clinging to some ivy!" "( desk bell rings ) good moaning." "yes, yes, good moaning." "officer crabtree, you must do something, the colonel is after me." "ronny, do not wirry." "the colonel has issued me with a photofart picture of you." "look." "it is nothing like me!" "exoctly!" "it looks more like jan the boptist." "( footsteps approaching ) somebody is coming." "it is general von klinkerhoffen!" " hide me!" " quick, under the cinter." "hell hitler!" "hole hotler!" "the safe in my chateau has been blown up by the resistance." "i am therefore requisitioning the safe in the police station." "where is the key?" "it is hanging on a nil on the woll." "i do not wish you to see what i place in the safe." "it is top secret." "i will go behind this deer in the back pissage." "you may return." "is there another key?" "of curse, i always carry a spear." "give it to me." "if you tell anyone about this, you will be shot." "my lips are soiled." "hell hitler!" "do you know what he just put in that safe?" "i was not in a position to sue." "gold!" "gold bars!" "a fortune in gold bars!" "good gid!" "and he has taken both the keys!" "that is no priblem." "i have more keys." "farteen of them." "the other polocemen keep their willets in the safe in case we get biggled." "( telephone rings ) i expect somebody has dialed noon, noon, noon." "nouvion poloce." "yes." "mmm." "yes." "a pissy up a tree?" "oh, a siamese pissy." "offer it a plate of sardoons, that should bring it din." "oh, very well, i will come at wince and bring a lidder." "i have nicked a fortune in gold." "we must leave tonight for our love nest in the mountains." "be on the 11:15 geneva express." "here is the ticket for the sleeper." "your own, rene." "( kissing sound )" "monsieur leclerc." "oh, rene." "good, you are safe." "for the moment, at least." "i want you to give this note secretly to yvette." " secret, shh, shh." " i am eloping to switzerland." "ahh. with yvette?" " with yvette." " ooh, ooh!" "what about madame edith?" "she will be heartbroken." "yes, you are right." "i will write her a tender note to say goodbye." "goodbye." "it is best for both of us that i leave you." "do not grieve for me." "monsieur alphonse will make you a fine husband." "yours faithfully, rene artois." "you want i should give it to her?" "there. hang on." " i will put her name on it." " it is not necessary." "i am not stupid." "this one is buff, for your bit of stuff." "( laughs ) well, until the war is over..." " farewell." " farewell, rene." "this one is for-- there you are." "two tickets to dijon 2nd class." "it is waiting on platform 3." "hurry up." "monsieur?" "i already have my ticket, 11:15 for geneva." "that is one hour early." " i do not want to miss it." " the waiting room is open." "ah, yes!" "( sings off-key ) ♪ and that is the end ♪" "♪ of my song. ♪" "( customers moan )" "is there any news of rene?" "not a whisper." "it is the first time that the colonel and lieutenant gruber have not been here." "where can they all be?" "madame edith, i did not want to do this until you finished your song, but i have a note for you." "where is it?" "uh, it is in my jacket." "i will get it for you." "now which one is which?" "uh, this one is buff, for the bit of old rough." "it is from rene." "rene's voice:" ""i have nicked a fortune in gold." "we must leave tonight for our love nest in the mountains." "be on the 11:15 geneva express." "here is the ticket for the sleeper." "your own, rene." "( kissing sound )"" "all my dreams have come true." "( register rings )" "he is a wonderful man." "she has taken it very well." "oh, yvette!" "this one is white, for the bit of all right." "yvette, i have a note from rene for you." "oh, thank you!" "rene's voice:" ""goodbye." "it is best for both of us that i leave you." "do not grieve for me." "monsieur alphonse will make you a fine husband." "yours faithfully, rene artois."" "you dirty old man!" "i wouldn't marry you if you were the last man on earth!" "all i asked for was a bloody mary." "rene!" "he has left me a note." ""i have nicked a fortune in gold."" "( rene whispers ) "i have nicked a fortune in gold... ( voice mumbles ) ... your own, rene." "( kissing sound )"" ""( kissing sound )"" "i will follow him to the ends of the earth." "who are you?" "i am the guard for the geneva express." "but i am the guard for the geneva express." "the union has negotiated shorter hours." "three cheers for the transport and general." "( sultry ) i have reserved one first class sleeper for geneva, please." "name?" "madame x." "psst, helga!" "come here." "now remember, you will distract the swedish painting expert while we switch the paintings in the guard's van." "very good, colonel." "where's gruber?" "i think i saw him outside." "gruber, you were supposed to be a dining car attendant." "i could not acquire the uniform." "have you brought the forged paintings?" "they are here in my long lunch box." "one first class sleeper for geneva." "helga, you see that man?" "that is the quarry." "you will follow him." "when he has put the paintings into the safe in the guard's van, you will insinuate yourself into his compartment, you will drug his wine and get from him the keys of the safe which will be in his possession." "very good, colonel." "( train whistle blows ) that will be the train now." "quick, go!" "members of the public are not allowed in here." "we are members of the gestapo." "take off your jackets and leave the train." "but it is moving!" "then you had better start running before you touch the ground." "hello." "good evening." "i am placing this package of very little value... in this, uh... deposit box." "we will keep an eye on it." "we will guard it with our lives." "we will also take care of the key if you wish." "i prefer to attach it to my person." "4b. that is the one." "is that you?" "yes, my love." "there is a wonderful smell of perfume." "i have poured  a whole bottle over myself." "i feel like a little girl." "you are a little girl." "can you get up without a ladder?" "hopefully." "this is the first night of the rest of my life." "rene, i can hardly believe this is happening." "neither can i." "( theme music playing )"