"The headlines tonight - fist-headed man destroys church... car drives past window in town... and Leicester man wins right to eat sister." "Now fact me till I fartl" "Coming up as stories in the programme peace talks collapse as Serbs strap 400 monkeys to the back of Owen's Volvo..." "That does make it harder to reverse." "...and, "Leave us alone," say men from Saturn." "We want to go about our daily routines as far as is possible." "Buckingham Palace has announced that 4o members of royal staff have been destroyed to save money." "The workers learned of their fate after church on Sunday." "The queen told them they would be slaughtered with scythes." "That evening, they were herded into a Sandringham attic and culled in ten minutes." "It's not known who conducted the killings, but Princess Margaret may have been involved." "She was overheard yesterday saying..." "Conditions on the train stuck on the line for two days in Hampshire have deteriorated." "There are fears for the lives and sanity of passengers." "Ted Maul has that story reporting." "At first, concern was for the commuters, stuck on a train because a signal got jammed by a bird." "But when farmer Peter Yates took sandwiches this afternoon, the situation changed dramatically." "Two commuters jumped him like raptors and threw him aboard." "20 minutes later, he managed to get off and tried to escape, but was lassoed by a man and pulped." "An hour later, a naked Mr Yates appeared briefly for the last time, trying to climb out, but it was a naff effort." "Most ominously, this evening, the commuters were seen struggling with a sack containing an object obviously as heavy as a human body and then throwing some kind of weird ritual." "Many here fear the worst, that Mr Yates has been killed and sacrificed by ordinary men and women who, two days ago, were content to sit opposite each other in silence, yet today beat their chests and yell like savages." "Moments ago, we intercepted the sound of the guard trying to radio for help." "Get these people..." "I There's a woman..." "I (BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM)" "Time for sport with Alan Partridge." "That commentary was brilliant last night." " Thank you." " Really." "I'm not interested in soccer, but I was totally absorbed and entertained." "Great." "Take some extra time." "I'll enjoy this, too." "Tonight, we're going to look at self-defence..." "Brilliant!" "Self-defence is no longer the preserve of men like Charles Bronson and Lee Marvin." "These days, we all need to get a bit handy." "Anyone who's been on public transport knows there are disturbed individuals out there." "One minute, they're babbling, the next, they're going for your person." "What do you do?" "It's National Self-Defence Week, so we have one of Britain's best-loved judo fighting people," "Commonwealth silver medallist Adam Neils." " Adam." " Hi." "Self-defence is not just punching someone in the face until they're unconscious, is it?" "No, it's exactly what it says - defending yourself." "Self-defence with the minimum of force." " Weaponry?" " No, just your body." "That's all..." " Snooker ball in a sock?" " No, no." " We teach people how to deal with that, but..." " What are those two sticks with the chain?" " Nunchuka." " Yeah, I like those." "Um, now, can you talk me through the basic?" "Right." "OK, Tanya?" "Right, we teach people to deal with anything, from a general invasion of body space through to a specific attack..." "So, if I was to go like this..." "Hey!" "No!" "Ooh!" " (CHOKING) I can't breathe!" " She's wrested control..." " I cannot breathe!" " Sorry." "She's wrested control away from you and the aggression's turned against you." " (CROAKS) What if they attack from behind?" " Right..." " No!" " Right." "I could throw you," "I could use an elbow block or immobilise you by twisting the skin..." "Get off!" "Chris!" "American car company General Motors have announced a cut in their workforce in Detroit." "Our economics correspondent, Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan, is there." " Peter, what's going on?" " Chris, it's a mass redundancy, the biggest lay-off in American industrial history." "35,ooo jobs in one fell swoop." "Gone!" " 35,ooo?" " Yes." "There's only 25,ooo people at the plant." "That's right, Chris." "Mass redundancy on an unprecedented scale." "Would you tell me how the plant can function on minus 1o, ooo workers?" " I don't know." "You tell me." " I'll tell you." "You mean 35 hundred workers have been sacked." "No, 35 thousand." "It's all here." "Let me see what you've got there." " It's 35 hundred." "You're right..." " Peter, I don't want to hear anything more." " Show me your notes." " No." " Yes!" " It's 35 hundred." "Show me." "I just want to see the numbers." "Now hold them up." "Hold them up and keep them up!" "And rotate them 18o degrees in my favour!" "Do it!" " What's that?" " I don't have a monitor, Chris..." "You know what I'm talking about." "It's just above your right eye." "Yes." "A cobweb." "And how's a cobweb going to dig you out of your numerical mess?" "I don't know." "You're lying in a news grave." "Do you know what's on your headstone?" "News." "Peter, thank you." "Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan live in Detroit." "What... is a gay?" "Now back to the train." "One of the commuters - now just wild savages - has given himself up." "Here's Ted Maul." "(TED) All afternoon, volleys of rubbish thwarted attempts to get the train moving." "Barricaded into his engine, the driver has constantly to defend himself with tools." "Then, in a rare lull - perhaps the commuters were sleeping or praying to some new god - one of them left the train." "Gerard Hawt, a civil aviation engineer, had broken free from the train of hell, but it had left its mark." "The man was in no state to be interviewed, but we extracted the following information." "The commuters are split into two factions, one led by an insurance broker from Staines - they wear ink on their heads - and a smaller group who worship fire." "They rallied round a grease-monkey from Acton." "With the signal still jammed by the dead bird, there's only one hope now - that a marksman can shoot it out, giving the driver a slim chance of making it to Liverpool Street before he's torn to pieces." "Travel now from Valerie Sinatra a mile above the centre of Great Britain." "Valerie, tell me about everything!" " I don't know about everything..." " I could teach you." "I do know that it's best to avoid the A1(M) south of Newcastle." "A crash has been going on for several weeks." "So far, it's involved 9,ooo vehicles, so that's really deathsville." "Good news for travellers on the M25." "Workers have finished cobbling that, so that's great." "The M6 is still at a standstill due to the mad cow hanging from a bridge." "The M5o is clogged - that's not my fault - and the M11 is slow, due to police escorting some birds to the coast." " That's about it, really." " It's like a Robertson's factory." " Sorry?" " All the jam." "That's right!" "Golly!" "Gay desk now, from Colin Poppshed." "Thanks, Chris." "Quick roundup of today's gayness, starting with the roads." "The M7o, the A3, the B664 and the A48(M), they're all gay as from midnight tonight." "The gay elements are potassium, zinc, hydrogen, copper and argon." "Now the world's walls - the Wailing Wall is gay, Hadrian's Wall is gay, the Great Wall of China's not gay and the Old London Wall's also stopped being gay." "Gay cars are as last night." "All Volkswagens registered between 1982 and 1985 stay gay for another fortnight." "Finally, the gay seas are the Caspian and the Mediterranean." "See you there." " Chris." " Thanks, Colin." "He's not gay." "We wouldn't employ a homosexual." "Offices." "We all know what they're like." ""Can I borrow a stapler?"" "But many are undergoing radical restructuring through the work of Lester Beck." "His latest project was on the offices and people of Clubrox Pharmaceuticals in Windsor." "Yeah, as much as you want, Harry... (REPORTER) Anthony Ponn is Clubrox's office manager." "He and his staff are about to become part of a unique experiment in management training." "An experiment they shall never forget, and from which one of them will never physically recover." "(AMERICAN ACCENT) So we must construct a raft, and onto the raft we will put ourselves..." "Lester Beck is the author of a radical management system known as "disassemblage"." "The disassemblage procedure relies on dismantling each employee's emotional make-up, and then reassembling it in a different order." "What are we?" "Are we human?" "Are we fully human or are we not human?" "What does it mean to be not human?" "We need to be human." "Hmm?" "So, let's get it into the present, huh?" "Let's kick some ass into life!" "The team convene at 6am of the first day and are immediately disassembled." "You often say "er" instead of speaking?" "Did you know that?" " No." " Has everyone else noticed this about Anthony?" " (ALL) Yes." " Every time you say "er", we're going to remind you by going "er" as well." "OK?" "Don't take it personally." " Er, I..." " (ALL) Er!" " I'm the, er..." " Er!" " I'm the office manager, er..." " Er!" " I'm responsible for the, er..." " Er!" "The..." "I'm the office manager." "I'm re..." "Er..." " Er!" " All right!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "(LESTER) Good." "I want you to give Christine a gift, and the gift you're gonna give her is the truth of who she is to you." "John." "You dress like an old lady and you've got a stupid face." "Good." "Hit Christine." " Christine, say thank you." " Thank you." "Good." "Lisa." "You're hairy and you're lonely and you..." " Just two." " You're hairy and you're lonely." "Hit Christine." "Good." "Anthony." "You've got no sense of humour and you're always there." "Christine, hit Anthony." " Ow!" " Good." "Beck takes the team out into the field to test purchasing techniques." "OK, we're going to buy a newspaper, and this is where we'll get what we want." "John." "Hello, my name's John." "I'd like a "Today" newspaper, please." "25?" "Got the right change." "Thank you very much." "Good, John!" "Anthony!" " Can I just ask?" " Buy a paper, Anthony!" " One thing, though..." " Buy a paper!" "I've already bought one." "Should I buy the same one or, er..." " That's not important for the exercise!" " (ALL) Er!" " Can I have, er?" " Er!" " Please stop it!" " Er!" "Buy a paper!" "Buy some candy!" "I don't care!" "I don't know!" "I've got the "Mirror"!" "I've got it!" "I've got the "Mirror"!" "Coming up" " Clinton welcomed home after machine-gunning 400 buffalo... and the train siege has ended." "A police marksman shot the bird out of the signal at 7pm, and the train, stuck for 57 hours, full of commuters going berserk, pulled off in a cloud of diesel." "When they arrived in London, commuters had put their clothes back on and wiped off the blood." "More cuts in the NHS have been announced today." "Here with a resumé of its 3o-year decline, Pheeona Haahlahm." "Were it one of its own patients, the NHS would be on the critical list." "What was once the bouncing boy-child of Ernest Bevin is now barely more than a disease-wracked corpse, but why?" "In 1979, funding for the NHS stood at over 1o billion pounds." "But by the late '8os, government cuts left the service with 37% less cash." "So that's only 3% in real terms." "So what, in the end, will happen to this?" " Chris." " Thank you, Pheeona." "I'm joined by the Junior Minister of Health, Matthew Krean." "Now, Mr Krean, you're responsible." "What do you say?" "I want to say..." "I want to discuss this report." " Well, let's discuss the figures..." " No, this report is a tissue of lies." " It is..." " Let's stick to the figures." " You're destroying patients' lives..." " I want to stick to this report!" " It's a tissue of lies..." " What?" "!" "Lies?" "!" "Absolute lies!" "It's nonsense from beginning to end!" " How dare you say this!" " This report is just tabloid television..." "I'm not prepared to listen to this." "I didn't come here for this." "I don't want to come back again." "(CHRIS CONTINUES MUTTERING)" "(CHRIS) I'm off." "And I'm never coming back." ""The Day Today" - bagpiping fact into newsl" ""Enviromation", from me, Rosy May." "The war raging between two nations of crabs in the Bay of Biscay has claimed more lives." "Last night, a Portuguese trawler was dragged underwater by the turbulence of a massive battle between over 400 million crabs fighting for territory on the ocean floor." "Blinking." "In England, over 700 million hours a year are spent blinking." "A Leeds firm has built a special light which switches off during each blink." "It's triggered by other activities which don't require light, such as sleeping and grieving." "I'm Rosy May and the world is at my teat." "Staying with the world, but it's the human world... which is around... the animal world and sometimes on top of it, making politics and events, rather than environment stuff, with "The Day Today" international news round-up." "Moscow." "Hello, Chris." "Here in Moscow, it's Russia's chronic nuclear waste problem that's dominating the news live this hour." "The latest plan is to hand out parcels of plutonium waste to schoolchildren." "Nuclear experts visit schools and the children are taught songs celebrating the efficiency of atomic power." "(SINGS)" "After school, the children queue up for their plutonium, which comes with the instruction, "Take this home and deal with it"." "(CHRIS) Tokyol" "Thanking you, live from Tokyo, where it's 3.3o in the morning." "That's minus 7 in new Japanese time." "In seven hours, the first of 30 full-size duplicate Japans will be switched on, and all clocks will be reset to 00000." "The new Japans have been three years in construction, involving perfect replication of cities and people and children." "The raft of new countries, which extends 5,000 miles into the Pacific, has been hidden until now, but was spotted from an aeroplane." "Japan has so far refused to comment." "(CHRIS) Romel" "Live, thanks, from Rome, where the two French boys who hacked into the Vatican computers and changed Catholic doctrine are still being held by cardinals in Assisi." "In a sensational development today, a video showing Stefan and Jed Mandrot, bruised but alive, was broadcast on Italian television with Vatican approval." "(SPEAKS FRENCH)" "The boys were snatched two days ago after admitting they had tapped into the new Vatican theology bank, a computer containing the full doctrine of the Catholic Church." "The Vatican realised they'd been hacked when they discovered Jesus died of food poisoning aged 19 and Lou Reed was a saint." "That's the way the world is today from Rome." " From Tokyo." " And from Moscow." "(ALL) Goodbye." "Chris." "Wrong, all of you!" "Because Collately Sisters is doing the business, not me." "Thanks, Chris." "Whoops of dismay in the city today, Chris, when Troublefinch Duskyholdings chopped off an eighth at 2.4 after a disappointing gutter surge tomorrow." "Chris." "The Central Numerical Council issued the new seven today." "It's heavier than the old seven and made of glass." "Chris." "Collately Sisters." "Spackhandy Choptubes up 2.4, but let's see how the pound fared on the currency Susan." "It started off the day quite healthily as a medium Susan, while the yen surged to a quite attractive, popular Susan, with the mark a plain, dumpy Susan with bad ears." "Chris." "Summary." "Business." "Chris." "Your complaints." "This is my complaint, right." "TV is the most unkinnin', unhappenin', unsucceeded piece o' sheet in the 'hood now." "You gotta get it, totally discount ya." "More in the area, see?" "I'm talkin' more ragga, more boggle, more death metal and Belgian house." "You hear me?" "Let's get TV bangin', mud the far cuss." "When I drive my car, I am not driving," "I am participating in a conspiracy called traffic." "I will walk." "Time for the weather with Sylvester Stuart on the weather pinball." "Starting in the south-west, it'll rain in drops the size of a wrestler." "Fortunately, most of the rain there not quite reaching the ground." "Scotland and the north of England - quite warm, about the temperature of a cow." "However, a very stupid area of low pressure will bring some heavy breezes later on, a bit like the rush of euphoria from a large dose of heroin." "On to the north-east, there'll be some heavy thunder there, about as loud as a woman." "The summary, then..." "Cool-showers-wet, cool-showers-wet, cool-showers-wet..." " Time for Alan Partridge." "Got some sport?" " Certainly have." "Great." "Just some late-night soccer results." "Here they are f... for division two." "Goodnight." "Your complaints." "This is my complaint, right?" "TV is the most unkinking, unhappening unsussed piece o' sheet in the 'hood right now." " Look at the lens." " Oh, sorry." "You gotta get it." "Totally discount ya." "More in the area, see?" "I'm talking more ragga, more boogle," " more death... mental and..." " Death metal." "...death metal and Belgian house." "You hear me?" "Let's get TV banging, mud far... mud the far cuss." " And look at the camera as you say that." " Mud the far cuss." "And say that once more." " Mud the far cuss." " Thank you." "Back now to the efforts of Lester Beck to revamp the people and offices of Clubrox Chemicals in Windsor." "OK." "Let's make..." "Day three, and Lester Beck places a powerful new variable in the office environment." "If we released a live pig into the office, how would you be able to cope?" "Lisa?" "What?" "The pig that's... our anger?" "No, a real pig." "Would you be able to cope?" "Let's see." "OK." "Please release the pig!" " Release the pig, please!" " (LISA) Oh, no!" "A pig!" "OK, this is Snorkle." "Say hello to Snorkle the pig." " Get involved with the pig!" " Who allowed this?" "!" "It's standard practice at Events International to intertextualise... (ANTHONY) This is my office!" " Get a knife!" " Shh!" " Get a knife!" "Let's kill it!" " (ANTHONY) Stop it!" " Get a knife or something..." " This is my office!" "Shh!" "Anthony, wi?" "And you." " Stop shouting!" " It might have a baby!" " It will if you keep shouting." " Listen to Christine..." "And you stop shouting." "Please..." "Can we?" "Let's put some paper down and keep it happy." "Come on!" "Come on, pig!" "(PHONE RINGS)" "See, the pig doesn't care about you, but you care about the pig." "Hello?" "Um..." "Um..." "We're a bit... tied up at the moment." "C-Can it wait?" " (LESTER) Tell them about the pig." " Well, we've got, er..." "We've got, er..." " (ALL) Er!" " I'm sorry." "We've got a pig in the office." "A pig." "Yes, it is a real one." "Please continue..." "Meanwhile, in training sessions, one employee, John Histons, questions Beck's techniques." "Let me ask you, when you go to the toilet, do you have an Armitage Shanks interface defecation scenario or just a shit?" "Mommy's gone, and you want to cry like a baby." "You..." "That's good, John." "Help him onto the carpet." " Down you come." " John?" "John?" "Imagine that the carpet is your mother." "Beat up on your mom who left you!" "Go on!" "Get it out, John." "Go on!" " Hit it!" " Don't cheat on yourself." "Imagine it's your mother!" " (JOHN) Why did you go?" " Kick it!" "She left you." "She didn't understand that you were suffering." "It's taken 25 years to get over it, but you're doing it now." " That's good." "Beat the carpet!" " (LISA) Don't give up!" " She's taken the best years of my life..." " Christine, don't get too excited." "OK, let's look at next week..." "Three months later, the office at Clubrox has been rationalised." "...tell him to ring back in five." " The Egham account?" " I'll do it on the same day." "Lisa, the dry-calling in the Windsor area was very weak last week." "Could you push it next week?" " Yes, I can." " Brilliant." "That's all." "For John Histons, the training course was his last memory of the company." "He left shortly after to follow a new direction." "(JOHN) People are surprised that I ended up in a butcher's, but... the office, well, it wasn't really me, you know?" "But here I know... exactly what to do." "I like meat." "I like working with meat." "I'm happy with it." "In a way, I respect it more than people." "(INTERVIEWER) If you saw Lester Beck, how would you react?" "Er..." "I'd probably stab him with this knife." ""The Day Today" - news feltchl" "Just time for a quick look at tomorrow's, er..." ""The Independent" - " Bank of England recovers from swollen chairman unusualness."" "The "Telegraph" go with, "Simon Rattle lost in cress."" "The " Daily Mail" keen on " Lassoed bat wins Booker." Four pages on that." "The "Daily Mirror" - "Fleetwood Mac buried in dog avalanche."" "And "Today" ride with "Old woman killed by little glass planet."" "That's by Andrew Penman." "Tomorrow's "Guardian" is full of water." "That's it." "That's "The Day Today" on the day we learned that Cliff Richard is pregnant." "Goodnight."