"♪ ♪" "Linda, Linda, the proofs are in!" "Ooh, ooh, let me see, let me see!" "What proofs?" "What's going on?" "Gayle got some professional pictures taken of Mr. Business." "Um, okay." "Great." "Why?" "Ian said we'd need them if we wanted Mr. Business to be taken seriously for the Chef Cat cat food auditions." "The what?" "Who-who's Ian?" "The cat agent, Bob. (Scoffs)" "Oh." "I-I didn't know you had a cat agent, Gayle." "Yeah, Gayle and I met a cat agent last week when we were leaving the grooming place on our way to the Soup Buffet." "And he thinks Mr. Business has what it takes to be the next spokes-cat for Chef Cat cat food." "You know, Chef Cat." "No, I-I don't know that." "♪ If cats could cook, they'd cook Chef Cat. ♪" "Yeah, that's it, that's it." " Such a great song." " Not really." "When the original Chef Cat died, they found another cat that looked just like him." "And then after that and then after that." "They just kept replacing him." "Just like they do with the president." "The current Chef Cat is on his last legs, so they need a new one." "They have a big competition." "Oh, by the way, Lin, I need to borrow just a little more money from you to cover the shipping cost for the portraits." "They have to go in something called "overnight mail."" "Overnight mail, ooh." "Just when you thought the mail couldn't get any sexier." "Dad's an overweight male." "Is that kind of the same thing?" "Wait, Gayle needs to borrow more money?" "Yeah, Linda covered the cost of the headshots for me." " She did?" " Oh, it was nothing." " It was barely nothing, it was..." " It was $222." " It was?" " Well, that... no." "No, it wasn't that much." "Here's the receipt, right here." "Linda, can I talk to you in the kitchen?" "No..." "Lin, I thought we decided to pull back on lending Gayle money." " Oh, did we?" " Yes!" " But she hardly ever asks for money." " What?" "!" "I need to borrow... sixteen... forty-one..." "a hundred and five... $22 for... rug shampoo." "control-top panty hose." "My Magic Bullet Blender payments." "I'm three months behind." "Christmas gifts for you guys!" "Lube." "Fine." "I'll tell her she's got to pay for the shipping herself." "(dishes crash)" "Sorry, I broke a big stack of plates!" "But don't worry, I'll pay you back for them." "(whispering):" "Hey, do you kids have any money?" "It's for plates." "Oh, my God." "Tina, hon, can you grab me a trash bag?" "Sure." "Whoa, look at this." "A box." "Hey, wow." "I want a box." "Why does Tina get to have a box?" " Yeah!" " Huh, Gayle must have left that here the last time she brought her cats over." "This cat really does look like Mr. Business." " Yeah, he kind of does." " See, Bob?" "I told you that cat agent wasn't lying." "Yeah, they look alike, but that still doesn't mean" "Gayle should... we should give a bunch of money to this guy." "We don't even know if he's a real agent." "He seems pretty legit to me." "He had a business card and everything." "Anyone can have a card, Lin." "Teddy has a card." " So does Ken." " Gene." "It's true." "It has his pager number on it." " Want one?" " No." " You do." " This guy is definitely scamming Gayle." "You know what?" "I'm gonna go talk to him tomorrow and see if I can get our money back." "Aw, you're gonna break Gayle's heart." "She was really excited." "Oops." "I got it." "Hmm. (Sniffs) This stuff smells kind of good." "(sniffs)" "♪ ♪ Whoa." "Mmm." "What am I doing?" "(Music stops)" "Definitely not eating cat food. (Chuckles)" " What'd you say, hon?" " Uh, n-nothing." "Um... (mouth full):" "Oh, my God, that's delicious." "(grunts)" " (door opens)" " Hello there." "Uh, Snoodle, greet." "Oh, um, h-hello." " Snoodle, hug." " Oh... okay." "(chuckles):" "I, um..." "Snoodle, rest." "How can I be of help to you?" "Uh, are you Ian Amberson?" "Guilty as charged, I'm afraid." "Well, my name is Bob Belcher, and I think you may be taking advantage of my sister-in-law." "She's a grown woman and it's her body!" "Wait, y-you did stuff to her body?" "Oh, I don't know." "Is your sister-in-law named Karen?" " No, Gayle." " Oh, Gayle!" "(Laughs)" "Whew!" "Oh good, good, that is good." "Uh, Karen, by the way, for the record, made the first move." "If anything, she's taking advantage of me." "Anyway, uh, my wife lent Gayle some money for cat headshots." "Ooh." "Well, yes, very smart investment, of course." "Her cat is a dead pip for Chef Cat." "Well, it turns out she isn't going to use those pictures, so I'd like to collect a refund from you." "Wait, she's not going to use them?" "Well, she'd be a fool not to mail in those headshots." " Oh, really?" " Uh, yeah, really." "I should know." "I managed a Chef Cat from 1993 to 1998." "His real name was Bootsy, of course." "Best years of my life." "So far, let's say." "There's always tomorrow." "Fingers crossed." "Look, I see what you're doing." "You're taking advantage of vulnerable cat ladies and overcharging them for photos..." "Ah, bup, bup, bup, bup." "Bootsy made $40,000 a year in residuals" " alone when he was Chef Cat." " Oh." "And one time, we got to meet Dean Cain." " Oh." " He's super-nice, Bob." "So maybe check that tone." "So, you're trying to tell me that you really truly think that Mr. Business could be one of these Chef Cats?" "Oh, yes, absolutely, I believe he could." " With my help." " Uh-huh." "Look, you can ask anyone in the pet agent game about me." "I'm the real deal." "This competition will be the big-time, Bob." "People are coming in from all over the world with gray and white Persian Longhair mixes." "But Gayle and Mr. Business, well, they'll be walking in with Ian Amberson." "And that still means something in this crazy world." " I don't know." " You know what?" "Fine." "Bob, if-if you just want to keep living a life in the shadows, afraid to seize the furry tail of a star and just ride that rocket into space, by all means, be my guest." "I will refund the cost of the headshots." "I'll do it." "Now, if you'll excuse me, uh, I have to find a hamster who can look surprised about a pizza delivery." "Not easy, by the way." "(grunts) Damn it." "Gayle said you need more money to mail the photos?" " $35... we have to overnight it." " You take a check?" "Give it to Snoodle;" "He's trained to endorse checks." " Snoodle?" " Uh, 'Kay." "Okay, gonna go to the cat agent with Gayle for Mr. Business's first training." "And we just heard he has an official audition time." "Next Saturday at 4:25 p.m..." "Can you stand it?" "Great." "If this works," "Gayle will have a way to earn her own money, and she won't need as much of ours." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "How much money are we talking about?" "Ian said Chef Cat made $40,000 a year in 1998." "That's like Chumbawumba money!" "I am very excited to announce my new role" " as Mr. Business's business manager." " Congratulations." "Yeah, my fee is 30%." " No, Louise." " I insist." "Pretty soon, we'll all be living in Mr. Business's guest house, running his lifestyle brand and helping him stay clean." "WOMAN (over TV): ♪ If cats could cook ♪" "♪ They'd cook Chef Cat. ♪" "Snoodle, TV." "Snoodle, lights." "And that, my friends, is exactly what Mr. Business has to do." "He has to turn off the TV with his face and turn the lights on with his paw?" " No, Gayle." " (sighs)" "The stuff from the commercial, Gayle." " My God." " Oh." "(squawks) Polly wants a great deal on a quality mattress." "Good, Petey." "Ooh, does Petey have an audition coming up?" "Actually, Petey did the commercial in 2002." "Once an animal is trained to do something, they tend to never give up the behavior." "They just do it over and over and over again until their owner abandons them on your doorstep, right, Petey?" "(squawks) Polly wants a great deal on a quality mattress." "All right, so I've placed some treats here, here and here." "Uh, that will lure him to hit the marks." "So go ahead and let Mr. Business out of his carrier, and let's see how we do." "Uh, on three." "Un, deux..." " Oh, my God!" "Ow!" " (Mr. Business snarling)" "Oh, God!" "Get it off me!" "Shoot it!" " Somebody shoot this cat!" " (clattering)" "Shoot it!" "You have the shot!" "Take the shot!" "Tina, Dad needs you back on the grill." " (mouth full):" "Nothing!" " Oh, my God!" "Are you eating cat food?" " No." " It's-it's all over your face." "Let me try." "Oh, my." "It is good!" "This has to be our shameful secret, Gene." "One of many." "How'd it go?" " Uh, not so good." " Yeah." "What?" "What happened?" "Mr. Business assaulted Ian." "(Mr. Business meows)" "Ian said unless we could get Mr. Business to knock the spice jar into the pot ourselves, we should probably forget the whole thing." " What?" "!" " Son of a bitch!" "Oh, well." "We tried." " You're still the puss in my boots." " (Mr. Business meows)" "W-Wait, wait, you're just gonna give up?" " Yeah." " That's the spirit!" "You have a chance to start making $40,000 a year for doing literally almost nothing, and you're gonna give up after one try?" " Seems like." " No, no, Gayle, let my client out, I want to talk to him." "Gayle, no, we can't have cats on the counter." "Gayle, let him out." "Mr. Business, get back in the crate." " (purrs)" " Whoa, Dad." " What?" " He did exactly what you said." "You are a cat whisperer." "Yeah, Dad, you're really good at that." "I almost got in the crate." "(gasps) That's it!" "Dad, you could teach Mr. Business to knock over the thing." "You could be his trainer!" "Huh, yeah, maybe." "And I bet if you could train him to knock over the jar," "Ian would still represent us." "I mean, I-I'd need to take my allergy pills." "Which makes me nervous because they say don't mix them with alcohol, and I always mix them with alcohol." "Eh, I don't know." "Maybe Mr. Business just wasn't meant to hit the big-time." "What?" "!" "With those looks and that ass?" "Oh, come on, Gayle." " Couldn't you use the money?" " Sure, I guess." "I could buy some more cats finally." "(sighs) All right." "Looks like I'm the new cat trainer." "What do you say, Mr. Business?" "You want to be the next Chef Cat cat food cat?" "No one is eating cat food!" "God, why would you even say that?" " N-No one said that, Tina." " I know." "(both laughing awkwardly)" "♪ Cat training, training a cat ♪" "♪ Cat training, training a cat ♪" "♪ Cat training, training a cat ♪" "♪ Put a lot of work in, get a little bit fat ♪" "♪ Chomp, chomp, chow, chow ♪" "♪ Knock that jar down. ♪" "Oh, hey." "Uh..." "That's weird, that thing you're doing." "P-Pushing your paw." "I-It kind of hurts, 'cause you're really pressing." "It's also kind of nice, though." "Look, Mr. Business, (groans)" "I know you're probably tired of me trying to get you to knock over that stupid jar." "I get it." "I-I don't like doing what people tell me to do either." "That's why I have my own restaurant." "So, don't do it because I want you to." "Do it for you." "I mean, this could be good for you." "You make your own money." "See the world." "You can move away from Gayle." "Just kidding." "I-I know you like her." "She's nice." "So, what do you say, huh?" "You-you want to go knock over a jar?" "Hmm?" "Who wants to knock the jar over?" "You do!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "You did it!" "Mr. Business!" "(Yowling)" "Ow, ow!" "Oh, God, ow!" "(sneezes):" "Oh... oh, God!" "Oh, Bob, Linda, Gayle." "Um, what are you doing here?" "Hey, Ian, Snoodle." "Look, I know there was an incident the other day with Mr. Business, but we've been working together, and you won't believe this, but he's actually able to knock over the spices." "Right." "Um..." " Uh, who's that?" " Yeah, who's that?" "Ah, this is Fluffy, and this is her cat Jessica." "Uh, Jessica looks a lot like Mr. Business." "She doesn't, Bob." "She looks like Chef Cat." "So you'll be representing both of us at the auditions?" "I'm afraid not, Bob." "What?" "But-but he can do the thing now!" "He can do it." "Show him, Bob." "That cat is a loose cannon." "You saw what he did." "Not anymore, Ian." "I trained him." "Uh, please, Bob." "You're not a professional." "Oh, so you're just gonna help any cat who looks like Chef Cat..." "Is that it?" "Uh, no, Bob." "I'm going to help Jessica." "And I'm, by the way, in a serious committed relationship with Fluffy now." "So you get people's hopes up, make them believe in something, and then toss them aside when you find a younger hotter cat?" "Bob, you calm down now." "You know what?" "We're going to that audition without you, Ian." " We are?" " Yes, we are, Gayle." "I am going to get Mr. Business to knock over that spice jar in front of the judges." " Producers!" " Whatever!" "But he's not very good at it." "He's great at it!" "Occasionally." "Once." "You won't stand a chance, Bob." "Please, do not embarrass the cat like that." " We don't have to take this." " No, we don't." " Come on, Lin." " Yeah." "Bob, can I come, too?" "Yes, Gayle, you come with us." "Yay." "And I should bring the cat?" " Yes, Gayle, it's your cat!" " LINDA:" "Yeah, come on." "Okay." "Bye, Ian." "Bye, Fluffy." "Can we just leave?" "!" "Get the cat." "Get the cat." "Oh, my God, get out!" "We're trying!" "(quietly):" "I can't even look at this food." "(quietly):" "I know." "No crunch, no tuna flavor." "This is garbage." " I can't believe we're out of Chef Cat." " So what do we do?" "Maybe this is our wake-up call." "Maybe we should, you know, try to stop eating cat food?" "(whispers):" "I have been throwing up on the rug." "So let's do it." "We'll just have a normal day where we don't think about cat food at all." "Everybody ready to go to the cat food audition today?" " Oh, damn it!" " Attagirl!" " (doorbell rings)" " Uh, uh, there's Gayle." "Time to go." "Come on, kids." "Time to go." "I'm about to go from "meow" to me rich." "Let's go, Team Business!" "Wow, a lot of people here." "A lot of cats." "And they all look like Mr. Business." "Except for that one." " Get out of here, Garfield!" " Yeah!" "Dad, which cats look like the biggest competition?" "You point them out, I'll get in their heads." "We don't have any competition, Louise." "Mr. Business is gonna win this, no problem." "Hey, Mr. Biz, how you holding up?" "Gayle, please don't rile him up right now." "We need him focused." "I'm just checking on him, Bob." "Okay, you're opening up the carrier." "Oh, no, he's licking his tummy!" "He does that when he's unhappy." "Look." "Oh, my gosh, a patch of fur is missing." "I guess." "It's a little thin there, but..." "Has he been doing this all week, Bob?" "Uh, I don't know." "I thought when he licked his tummy, that's just him getting psyched up." "Uh, yeah, that's right." "No, this is bad, Bob." "Please, Gayle, you're making him nervous." "I am not." "I make him angry, not nervous." "(mewling)" "Oh, I'm worried about this, Bob." "Something's wrong." "Uh, Louise, uh, didn't you want to go get a soda at the soda machine?" "And also you wanted someone to go with you?" "Oh, right, right." "Right, yes." "Aunt Gayle, will you please go to the soda machine with me?" "You push the buttons so well." " I do?" " You do." "I use my elbow because of the germs." " Okay, go." "Go, go, go." " Okay." "Go have fun at the soda machine." "I'm excited." "I didn't know I was so good at it." "(sighs) Okay, Mr. Business, pep talk." "Listen, first of all, haters gonna hate." "And there's nothing you can do about that." "(chuckles) Good thing we're totally over cat food, because otherwise this would be a nightmare." "Yep." "Oh, God, there's a lot of cat food." "Free samples of cat food." "Look, there's Mom!" "Let's ask her to chain us up like werewolves to protect us from ourselves." "Mother!" " (gasps)" " Are you..." "You're eating Chef Cat!" "Uh, what the... uh, oh." "I-I am." "(laughs) What a crazy..." "I mean, who would eat cat food?" "Who does that?" " What flavor is it?" " Cheese 'n' Chicken." " Hand it over." " No." " Yes." " Fine." " (sighs)" " Gimme." "Wait a second." "Mom, was that your box of Chef Cat under the sink?" "Yeah." "So what?" "I like to have a little cat food to relax every once in a while." "Is that a crime?" "Give it back." "(gasps) Our addiction is genetic!" "I'm not to blame!" "I'm a cat food baby." "I never had a chance." "And that little boy who didn't make the basketball team was me." "So don't be me, be you, because you've got that edge, you've got that attitude and spark, and, I've learned a lot from you." "Sometimes I feel like you're the teacher and I'm the cat." "Um... the end." "I have to go (coughs) get some water 'cause I'm allergic to you, and I've been talking a long time." " Ian." " Hello, Bob." "I saw you over there." "Giving the cat a pep talk?" "That's good, good for, good for both of you." "That'll really make a difference." "Oh, really?" "No, of course not, Bob." "It's a cat." "Don't try and get in my head, Ian." "I don't need to, Bob." "You're not going to win." "Yes, we are." "You aren't going to beat us." "Oh, okay." "Good comeback, Bob." "Bye-bye, Bob." "No, bye-bye to you, Ian." "Bye-bye to you, Bob." "Oh, no!" "Bye-bye to you, Ian!" "Oh, oh, bye-bye!" "Bye-bye!" "Bye-bye with my hand in your face!" "All right, big guy, we're..." "Wait, wait, wait." "Where..." "Oh, my God, Ian took Mr. Business!" "My baby!" "My baby!" "Mr. Business?" "!" "Mr. Business?" "!" " Oh, my God, all you cats look the same - (meows)" " Sorry." " Dad!" "Louise, someone took Mr. Business." " What?" " Wait, wh-where's Gayle?" "Well, she ran away!" "She said she needed to go into the bathroom and cry, and I gave her the usual five minutes, and then I went in there and she was gone." "Oh, my God." "Ian didn't take the cat, Gayle did." "How we gonna find her?" "(woman sobbing loudly in distance)" "That could be her." "(woman continues sobbing)" "(panting):" "Oh... oh, geez." " How many flights was that?" " One." " Really?" " Yeah." "(groans):" "Oh..." " Are you gonna die right now?" " Maybe." "GAYLE:" "No one's hiding up here!" "It's just me, the sad janitor and my janitor cat, Mr. Brooms." "(chuckles):" "Oh, okay." "Sorry to bother you." "(panting):" "Okay... one second." " Hi, Gayle." " Hi." "Gayle, what are you, what are you doing?" "(sniffs) Sitting." "Uh, yes." "So, we're gonna miss our audition time." "Did you know that?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I know." "Okay, all right, this has been fun, but listen." "I need to get my client down to the audition, stat." "Do you want to talk about why you're crying?" "I just get sad when Mr. Business gets sad." "Oh, he's sad?" "Yes, Bob." "He licked the fur off his belly." "Look at it." "You can see his nipples." "Gayle, I know Mr. Business may be a little stressed out." ""A little stressed out," Bob?" "I've never seen his nipples like this." "Never!" "The entertainment world is no place for him." "Oh, okay, so, like, cats don't want to be famous." "Gayle, this is a real opportunity for you and Mr. Business." " Mm-hmm." " You should take it, because you borrow a lot of money from us." " Like, a lot." " I do?" "Yeah." "And that's fine." "It doesn't bother me at all, but it bothers Linda a little bit." " Oh." " But this could be a chance for you to make a little money for yourself." "And you could get a better apartment or..." "What's wrong with my apartment?" " Nothing." " I love it." "Or you could go out to eat once in a while." "Where?" "Point is, Gayle, you could be a little more independent, and we could not give you money so much." "So, so much money." "I..." "I just want Mr. Business to be happy." "(sighs) I..." "I guess I-I see your point." "You care more about your cat than you do about money, and that's actually nice." "Even though it's really our money you don't care about." "Yeah." "Okay, let's go home." "Sure, sure." "Just let me borrow the cat for, like 15 minutes, and then I'll be right back." "Not for an audition, for something else." " Okay." " No." "Fine." "I'll trade you "Cat-ch of the Day"" "for "Filet Meow-gnon."" "Are you out of your damn mind, Mom?" "!" "(sighs) Let's all just go take a nap in the sun." " Yes." " Hi, guys." "So, uh, some news." "Things didn't..." "Oh, my God, Lin, you're still doing this?" "You told me you quit." "Well, I lied." "Don't judge me." "You watch sports sometimes." " Yeah." " Oh, Tina, not you, too." "And me!" "Why in the world would you all eat cat food?" "Strong nails, a healthy shiny coat, confident stools." "You guys are crazy." "Yes, crazy." "You got to warm it up and put it on your oatmeal." " Uh-huh." "Go on." " Oh, my God." "Geez, I feel left out." "Gimme some, Gene." "Oh, good Lord, you're eating..." "Oh, that is so disgusting." "Oh, is it, Ian?" "Is it so disgusting?" " Yes." " Oh, God, it is." "Ugh." "What is wrong with all of you?" "Keep eating, Dad, you'll get it." "No, I won't." "Oh, wait, there it is." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Hmm, that's good." "How'd your cat do in there, Ian?" " She choked." " Ha!" "It's not funny." "She literally choked on the food." "I had to Heimlich her!" "Ha!" "What an idiot." "Look at us." "Look." "(chews noisily) Swallow." "We can all eat cat food without choking, so the joke's on you, Ian." "I guess so, Bob." "I guess so." "Bye-bye, Bob." "Bye-bye, Ian." "Whoop." "All right." "Okay, yep, got it." "Whoop!" "Caught that one." "Oh, Mr. Business, you are killing me." "Okay, there we go." "Whoa!" "Oh." "Just a few more years till you die." " Yeah, that's good." " (glass shatters)" "Oh, so close." " (glass shatters)" " No!" "Oh!" "Ow!" "♪ Cat training, training a cat ♪" "♪ Cat training, training a cat ♪" "♪ Cat training, training a cat ♪" "♪ Put a lot of work in, get a little bit fat ♪" "♪ Cat training, training a cat ♪" "♪ Cat training, training a cat ♪" "♪ Cat training, training a cat ♪" "♪ Put a lot of work in, get a little bit fat ♪" "♪ Chomp, chomp, chow, chow ♪" "♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪" "♪ Ch-ch-ch-ch-chow ♪" "♪ Cat training, training a cat ♪" "♪ Cat training, training a cat ♪" "♪ Cat training, training a cat ♪" "♪ Put a lot of work in, get a little bit fat ♪" "♪ Cat training, training a cat... ♪"