"$300 in phone calls ?" "Sorry." "I've been bored." "Half of these are to lynn's phone." "I've been lazy, too." "You federal expressed a letter to brian ?" "It absolutely, positively, had to be there." "[ Knocking ]" "Hey, tanners." "It's us !" "Alf ... kitchen." "No problem." "I'll call a cab." "You'll walk !" "Now !" "One day, i'll walk into that kitchen ..." "And keep on walking !" "[ Crash ] ow !" "Hi, trevor, raquel." "What's up ?" "Tomorrow night we're having a surprise party for jake." "To celebrate his passing 8th grade after only one year." "He's so smart, it's scary." "A $300 phone bill ?" "Yes, that's our phone bill." "Most are to lynn's phone." "We're a close family." "What's your r.S.V.P. ?" "I'm sure we can be there." "Come at 8 and we'll break the pi?" "Ta at 9." "Toodles." "A pi?" "Ta !" "Let me at it !" "Oh, alf, you know you have to stay here." "Great !" "A party where stuff gets broken," "And i can't go !" "**" "Hi, alf." "Didn't you see the sign ?" ""Genius at work." I'm sorry." "I didn't make the connection." "Ha-Ha-Ha." "Since you're here, check this out." ""Do not be afraid.I'm a superior being from melmac." "Even on melmac, i was considered above average."" "Of course, they did grade on a curve." "Read on." ""I'm not a god." ""There is no reason to kneel." "Okay, if you insist."" "Works for me; you ?" "I assume this is more than a typing lesson." "It's my press release." "I've decided to reveal myself to the world." "Then, i can meet new people, travel," "See a "grateful dead" concert." "I don't think the authorities would let you out in public," "Much less become a deadhead." "You'd become government property." "Fine, as long as i've got my freedom." "Don't you understand ?" "You'd have no freedom." "Are you saying i'd have no freedom ?" "Yes !" "Think about it.You'd be a specimen on a shelf." "You'd be alone in a lab." "Doomed to spend every day in isolation." "Look at this.They've got me wired for cable." "Let me see." "Which was the button for a cheeseburger ?" "Uh ..." "Ahhh !" "That's not it !" "Uh ..." "Ahhh !" "I've got to label these buttons." "Great.I wiped out half my childhood memories for celery !" "Hey, you !" "Come here." "Yes ?" "How did you get out of your cage ?" "I work here." "Sorry." "I'll give you $5 to let me out." "$10, if you clean the cage while i'm out." "Can't do it !" "Please.I've got to get out of here." "I've got a family." "I've got a life." "I've got a cake in the oven !" "You should've thought about that before exposing yourself," "Specimen alf/1." "I'm not a specimen." "I'm a spaceman." "Get the teeth fixed, boris." "Ahhh !" "I guess there's still no word from the governor." "You're living in the dark ages, willie." "What would happen if you went public ?" "If i revealed myself," "I could be a star." "Could not." "Could too." "I might even get my own tv show," "A poignant drama about my generation." "We'll call it, "230 something."" "Keep dreaming." "It's not a dream." "This could really happen." "Maybe i'll host a talk show, like david letterman." "I have a gap between my teeth." "Yes, yes." "My, oh, my, we're having some fun tonight." "Later, on "stupid pet tricks,"" "You'll see a cat do a 50-Foot dive into my mouth." "Ha-Ha !" "[ Crash ]" "I almost forgot -- Say, "hello" to willie tanner." "[ Applause ]" "Hi, babe." "I want to thank you for bringing me on board ..." "After you fired paul shaffer." "You're welcome." "Willie boy " " He does it all," "Including my laundry.Ha !" "Ha-Ha-Ha, ha-Ha-Ha." "What ?" "You've got a vivid imagination." "And a surprisingly big ego, "babe."" "You're close to losing the bandleader gig." "I don't want to be a bandleader." "Just think, before you do something stupid." "Would inviting 10 newspapers to a press conference," "Be considered stupid ?" "Yes !" "Too late !" "You called 10 newspapers ?" "And a couple of tv stations." "Tomorrow at 1 pm," "I shall expose myself to the world." "No !" "You're right." "Maybe i should put on some pants." "No reporters yet." "I can't believe it." "This is the worst thing alf has ever done." "Maybe they thought alf was a crank." "At least one reporter is coming." "I promised him whiskey." "Why are you dressed in that getup?" "Showmanship, babe." "My real space suit looks like a hefty bag." "Look, i just want to be free." "As free as the wind blows," "As free as the grass grows," "Born free, to follow my heart." "We understand, but you've got to realize " "Live free, as beauty surrounds me." "The world still astounds me." "Hi, dad." "Did you get it ?" "Alf, i got something for you." "A coming-Out present !" "Not exactly." "A video tape." "All right !" "Wait, this is a documentary." "Just the antidote for my boredom." "I want you to watch this." "What's that ?" "A ugandan orangutan." "What's he throwing at the camera ?" "Never mind." "This is the part i want you to watch." "[ Tv ] the ugandan orangutan had become extinct," "Except for this last male," "As there were no females for breeding." "I know the feeling." "The last orangutan was captured," "And isolated, until its death last year." "Scientistsspeculatethe animal died of loneliness." "[ Tv off ]" "That was nice." "I think i hear the reporter coming." "Don't you understand ?" "You could end up like that poor animal." "That won't happen to me." "I'm one of a kind." "So was the orangutan." "[ Gasp ]" "[ Doorbell ]" "Blimey, what have i done ?" "Hide me !" "Hide me !" "Where are you going ?" "I want to be alone." "Come on, keep me company." "Hello." "I'm here for the media event of the century." "It's been canceled." "Whiskey been canceled, too ?" "Yes." "It figures." "Alf, are you all right ?" "Yeah." "If robin leach calls back," "Just say, "alf who ?"" "Alf ?" "[ Yawn ]" "Welcome to alf-Catraz." "How was the party tonight ?" "Oh, it was okay, i guess." "Jake broke the pi?" "Ta." "Trevor bruised 2 ribs diving for the candy." "Alf ..." "What are you doing ?" "When melmacians try to drown our sorrows," "We gravitate towards cheap, imitation porcelain." "I'll have you know, this is expensive ..." "Imitation porcelain." "We also eat more." "How is that possible ?" "Our spare stomachs open up." "By the way," "Don't bother looking for your laxative-On-A-Rope." "You mean my soap-On-A-Rope ?" "Trust me on this one." "Here you go, alf." "Wow, you really are depressed." "I need something to wash this down." "Got any ketchup ?" "Coming right up." "Dad, we've got to do something." "Right." "You may not want to watch this, willie." "I've seen you eat before." "[ Slobbering sounds ]" "[ Kate ] get out of this bathroom !" "I'm going to take a bath, and that's final !" "[ Door slams ]" "[ Alf ] fine !" "I'll go sulk in the kids' bathroom." "Before you do, alf, could you come out here." "Sure, why not ?" "It's not like i was born free to follow my heart, or anything." "Surprise !" "Willie, intruder alert !" "I've been seen by a vicious snarling mob." "[ Everyone talks at once ]" "Hey, hey, wait a minute." "I know this mob." "We invited everyone who's ever met you." "How's it going ?" "Give me five !" "Here's four." "I owe you one !" "How you doing, alf ?" "Larry, my shrink !" "Nice to see you when i'm not wacko." "I challenge that." "Grandma dorothy." "How's your much younger husband, wizzer ?" "Always a pleasure." "Jody is here." "Citizen cane !" "Nice to see you." "Nice not to see you !" "Ha-Ha, what a kidder !" "Watch out for the lamp !" "Alf, we wanted to show you ..." "Your world isn't as limited as you thought." "It's not the same as going out and making new friends," "But we hope it helps." "I couldn't ask for more." "Where are the presents ?" "Presents ?" "We gave you presents at christmas and your birthday," "And on st." "Melmac's day," "Which i doubt was that big a holiday." "Hey, forget the presents." "I guess it's enough that my friends ..." "And dorothy, are here." "Surprise !" "Oh, boy !" "Friends with presents are the best kind ..." "And dorothy." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Alf ] i'll open your present next, jody." "[ Jody ] i'll have to take your word for that." "[ Laughter ]" "A sweater !" "Thank you." "You're welcome." "You can get rid of that ratty one you're always wearing." "I'd better start using a conditioner." "She thinks alf's fur is a sweater." "Didn't i warn you ?" "Jody doesn't know alf's an alien." "Uh-Oh." "What ?" "I told her about alf eating your tennis racket ..." "Because he thought the strings were made of catgut." "Hey, thanks, dorothy." "I always wanted to learn how to play jai alai." "It's a dustbuster." "I know that." "I was being whimsical." "I thought you could get off your duff," "And do a little housework." "You shouldn't have." "I really mean it !" "Alf !" "I fixed the cd player you broke." "Great !" "[ Groans ]" "My birthday is in 6 months." "Uh ... brian come here." "Speech !" "Speech !" "Hear !" "Hear !" "Unaccustomed as i am to public speaking," "As there's very seldom a public here to speak to," "I'll be brief." "I wouldn't put money on that." "Mom, shhh." "Actually, i just wanted to say ..." "That i never realized how good i have it." "I don't need to go out and make new friends." "I already have the best friends ..." "Including dorothy," "Anyone could have." "Why, alf, thank you." "Thank you very " "Dottie's gonna cry-Yy." "Stop it !" "I am not." "[ Knocking ] hey, tanners !" "It's trevor." "He wasn't invited." "That never stops him." "I think, just for a change of pace, i'll ..." "Hide in the kitchen." "I kill us." "Why is alf hiding ?" "He owes them money." "You said they were going out." "They always go dancing on saturdays." "Hi, do you know where jake went?" "Right here !" "You're having a party." "How interesting." "We weren't invited ?" "After having them over last night !" "I'm sure they had a good reason for stiffing us." "It's not a "party" party." "It's a ..." "tupperware party." "Where you have to buy stuff ?" "Gotta dance !" "But i will have a slab of cake." "I'll get a couple of plates." "Bring raquel one, too." "I'm sorry for the interruption." "No problem." "I enjoy the challenge of avoiding those two." "It keeps me young." "Not me." "Willie ?" "Thanks for the party and everything." "It's nice to know there's someone around ..." "To save me from myself." "You're welcome, pal !" "[ Raquel ] willie, i need a doggy bag." "[ Kate ] raquel, don't go in there." "Ahh, the game is afoot." "** [ piano playing ]" "Alf, aren't you having a good time ?" "Yeah, i'm just sick of larry telling ..." "About me eating the tennis racket." "There he was with the handle sticking out of his mouth !" "I can't believe i invited them all back tomorrow." "You what ?" "They're my friends ..." "and dorothy." "Besides, i can use the extra presents." "Willie, do you know "and the band played on" ?" "Sure." "Well, play it !" "**" "[ Dorothy singing off key ] * casey would waltz with a strawberry blonde * * and the band played on *" "And on, and on, and on ... * and the band played on * * his brain was so loaded it nearly exploded * * the poor girl would shake with alarm * * he married the girl with the strawberry curl *" "* and the band played on **" "Closed-Captioned by captions, inc.Los angeles" "Captions copyrighted by alien productions." "All rights reserved."