"(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)" " Do I have to?" " Every half hour, Mr. Gresham." "How long have you been gurgling this brew?" "Since I was three months old." "Don't tell me you had the gout when you were three months old." " You are Mr. Gresham?" " Yeah." " The big international banker?" " Not so loud." "We don't boast about being bankers these days." " We're all in the dog house." " What do you do there?" "Well, let it pass, let it pass." " What line are you in?" " Again, please?" " What do you do for a living?" " For a living?" "Oh, well, I..." "Have you not seen me on the postage stamps?" "I am the King." "You know, Anatol XII." " Oh, Your Majesty..." " Don't get up, don't get up." " How do you do." " How do you do." "I admire your great country much, Mr. Gresham." "I have always wanted to go." "My favorite character, he lives there." " Who's that?" " Buffalo Bill." "I'm afraid he doesn't live there anymore." "Well, we are here today, and tomorrow where are we?" "Search me." "I'm a stranger in these parts." "I find always unbelievable, Mr. Gresham, that in your country the peasants have the electric lights, the telephone, the hot water." "Sure, Your Majesty." "Only we don't call them peasants there." "If only I could do that for my people." "The hot water." "Well, why don't you?" "We are so poor, so very poor." "The electric lights..." "Why don't you float a little loan?" "I don't see why we couldn't arrange a bond issue, if it weren't too big." " You are serious?" " Well, why not?" "You have plenty of natural resources here and what's more important, you're an honest people." "That, yes." "It is almost a vice." "Well, it's a pretty good vice as vices go." " How much would Your Majesty need?" " 100 million tarondas." "How much is that in 59 cent dollars?" "In figures that are round, less or more..." " $5 million?" " What?" " Impossible." "Out of the question." " I was afraid so." " How much do you think, perhaps?" " Not a penny less than 50 million." " Tarondas?" " Dollars." "$50 million?" "Why, I couldn't float anything smaller." "They wouldn't take it seriously." " There's only one trouble." " I thought there would be." " We need a front." " A how?" "A front, a showcase." "Someone to make America conscious that your kingdom exists." "Why, don't they even know that?" "Begging Your Majesty's pardon, most of our people would probably think it was a mythical kingdom." " Sometimes I think so myself." " We love pomp over there." "Uniforms, costumes, plumes and palaces." " We love crowns." " They give me a headache." "You're the man to go to America." "You'd roll them in the aisles." "Of course, you couldn't get away with anything like this." "I cannot go, anyway." "If I went out they might not let me in again." "They might have a new face on the postage stamps." " Is that a fact?" " It's no fun being a king anymore." "Isn't there anyone you could send in your place?" "(HORN HONKING)" "Tony." "This is Mr. Gresham, my pet, the famous American banker." "My daughter, Catterina Theodora Margherita, but we call her Zizzi." "She calls me Tony." "How do you do, Mr. Gresham." "Tony, may I have some money to go to the cinema?" "They play an American film about gangers." "Well, why don't you get Nicholaus to take you?" "Count Nicholaus is my daughter's fiancé." "How many times have I told you, he is not my fiancé." "Oh, well, it has not been officially announced." " You see, she does not like him much." " I do not like him even so little." "Catterina Theodora Margherita!" "(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)" "I know, Tony." "It is for the good of our country." "We need this alliance with the House of Dohenberg." "It is my duty as the Crown Princess." "Some day I suppose I will have to marry him." "Excuse me, Mr. Gresham, these family matters." "I'm sorry." "Can I have now the money to go to the cinema?" "I must have left my purse at the baths." "Could I have an advance of three tarondas on the loan?" "That would be... 15 cents." "The perfect front." "(HORN BLOWING)" ""The thieves of Wall Street are again stalking their prey." ""Gorged with the blood of the poor, the wolves are howling for more."" "Say, how do you like that?" "Your father preferred tigers in that connection." "My father, eh?" "You've been with us a long time, Hackett." "30 years with Madison I and Madison II, and a year with you, Madison III." "Well, let me read you some more of this." " Where was I?" " The wolves were howling." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Well, it goes on." ""Beware, Mr. Citizen, of the Greshams and their kind." ""Beware of foreign bonds that are not worth the paper they're written on." ""Foreign flypaper, that's what these bonds are."" "Hey, you know, that's a pretty neat touch there, that "foreign flypaper," don't you think?" "I wouldn't know." "I encounter so many neat touches." "Well, this'll put a damper on Gresham's Taronian bonds." "Are you sure they ought to have a damper put on them?" "Maybe they're good bonds." "No, they couldn't be with that crook Gresham handling them." "Say, I've been waiting for a chance to get that big windbag." "Now, spread that across the front page under my signature." "Get the editorial writers on the job, and dig up statistics." "You know how to run a big campaign, don't you?" "I made Lincoln free the slaves." "Will you say a few words to the American public, Princess?" " But surely." "In here?" " That's it." "Dear American friends, forgive me if I speak bad, as I am not accustomed to making speeches in English." "But it is with great joy that I step for the first time on the soil of your so beautiful country." "MAN:" "Get a little nearer the mike, Princess." "PRINCESS:" "My country, it is very small, but also it is very nice." "Here comes the old oil." "We should know each other better." "And the purpose of my visit is to more strongly cement our friendship." "Sure, cement." "50 million bucks worth." "When I leave, I hope I will take away with me the affection of your so great country." "And the 50 million fish." "It has been a great privilege to speak to..." "MAN:" "Grab her, quick." "What's the matter?" "What's the matter?" "What's the matter?" "What's the matter?" "It is nothing." "Only the emotion." "Already for two days, Her Highness has had a slight fever." "You had me worried there for a moment." "Do not for an instant be concerned." "We Taronians are strong people." "(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)" "And steam the society editors up into making a big splash." "That's right." "Mumps." "Moomps?" "Mumps." "Mumps?" "Oh!" "Oh, it's nothing to worry about." " She'll be all right in a month." " A month?" "30 days?" "Some months have 31." "Well, we can kiss it goodbye, Baron." "Farewell forever." "You and your strong people!" "I will go, me, myself on the grand tour and to all the receptacles." "Baron, your legs aren't the right shape." "What we need is a princess." "In Taronia, we do not manufacture princesses like you manufacture the automobile." "Manufacture..." "Listen, Doc, not a word about the mumps." "I've got an idea." "People come in twos in this world like the animals in the Ark." "There's an old fellow at the club looks as much like me as I do." "Good-looking man, too." "Fellow used to work for me was your spitting image." " Really?" " Yeah, he was a cook." "Terrible cook." "Somewhere out there." "Somewhere out there." "From what do you talk?" "But how do you find her?" "How do you find anybody?" "Parker, get me some pictures of the Princess." "20 profiles and 20 full face." "No, make it 40 profiles and 40 full face." "GRESHAM:" "She's a madcap princess, see?" "Does strange things." "Now, she's disappeared." "An escapade." "I want her found and brought back quietly, but I want her brought back." "She'll deny that she's a princess and she'll deny that she knows me, but pay no attention." "Bring her back in a bag if you have to." "There's a big bonus." "You fellows get everything clear?" "Okay, get busy." "What means?" "What means these people?" "Her Highness is no escapade." "Little by little you'll understand, Baron." "There are eight million people out there." "BARON:" "Yes?" "Somewhere there must be one who looks enough like..." " You was trying to beat it, yes?" " No, I wasn't." "What you got there?" "You doesn't take nothings with you." "It's only my press book." "I was going to a place where lots of managers eat." "I thought maybe I could get a job." "You got money to eat, you got money to pay me." "I've only got 17 cents." "You can look." "All right, keep it." "I ain't a blood-sucker." "I wouldn't be after you, only things are so high right now." "Right now, I'm as high as the gutter." "Thanks." "What did I do?" " Why, of course." " Hello, Donald." "So I said to Jed, "I'm an actor, not a clown." ""You can take that part and stick some cheap ham with it."" " That's telling him." " Sure." "Say, I wonder if Jed's filled that part yet?" " Hello, Donald." " Hello." " Say, Donald..." " What?" " You couldn't..." " No." "I mean, steer me onto a job, could you?" " I got rave notices in my last part." " I saw you in it, my sweet." " Well?" " Well..." "(GASPING)" " Princess!" " Princess!" "I didn't mean any harm, mister." "Now, you just come along with us." "I didn't do anything, honest I didn't." "It just opened up by itself." "I didn't bust it." "Somebody else must have put the nickels in, then forgotten." "He said she'd deny it." "Now, you just come along with us, Princess." "We'll get in a nice little taxi." " I was so hungry..." " Yes." "And it looked so good with all the gravy and everything." " They've found another princess." " How many does that make?" "Twenty-seven, counting the cross-eyed girl." "Well, bring her in anyway." "We'll have a look at her." "Yes, sir." "Your Highness." "Okay boys." "Nice work." "Perfect." "It's uncanny." "The King himself couldn't tell them apart." "Is this a break?" " You're the Princess." " Princess?" " Sure." "You're the new Princess." " Oh, sure." "Sure." "Now, wait a minute." "You don't understand." "Oh, yes, I do." "I understand all right." "I'm the Princess." " What do you think I am, a lunatic?" " Of course not." " Anybody could tell you're Napoleon." " Now, listen." "All this seems crazy to you, I know." "Later, I'll make it all clear." "In the meantime, how'd you like to make $10,000?" "Mister, I won't conceal it from you." "I would like to make $10,000." "In fact, I'd like to make $1,000." "Even $10 wouldn't be beneath me." "Good!" "Now, let's get down to business." "Sit down." " What's your name?" " Nancy Lane." " What do you do?" " I'm an actress." "Hooray!" "And have I got a part for you." " A part?" " And what a part!" " You've got a funny way of casting." " Now listen, my child." " Your name is not Nancy Lane." " Well, fancy my mother's mistake." "And furthermore, you're not an actress." "You are the Princess Catterina Theodora Margherita of Taronia." " You know, she just arrived." " I see." "What do I do, double for her in the dangerous scenes?" "You double for her in everything." "The Princess is in bed with the mumps." "It is necessary for the Princess to appear in public." "You look exactly like her." "Like her to the very last eyelash." "You will be the Princess." " Who gets gypped?" " Nobody." "Come clean, mister, if you want me to even think of playing." " What are the royal mumps to you?" " Here it is." "I'm a banker." "I'm floating a $50 million bond issue for Taronia." "There's not a chance of unloading them without a personal ballyhoo by the Princess." "And she can't ballyhoo with the mumps." "She won't be able to leave her room for a month." "Now, what else do you want to know?" "These bonds." "Are they phony?" "They are not." "They're a good, conservative investment." " I'll prove that to you." " You'll have to." " But it's a daffy idea, anyway." " Well, you can pull it off." " Nobody'll suspect." " Nobody, eh?" "How about the gang that came with the Princess?" "They've got to keep their mouths shut and so must you." "Don't worry about that, if I take the part." "Well, will you?" "If I can get through one dress rehearsal." "But, my dear friend, we are on a wild goose egg." "We come to the end." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "You're wrong." "We come to the beginning, Baron." "Please, Your Highness." "But, Your Highness, you have this illness." "I am of a responsibility." "You must be in bed with many doctors." " You know the Princess pretty well?" " I know her like a mother." " Then take a closer look, Baron." " I do not understand." "Your Highness, it is the fever." "Or what is it that it is?" "I quiver." "I am all of a bewilderment." "You mean you have found this young lady?" "I told you that among eight million people there would be Miss Nancy Lane, who, for the next 30 days, is going to be the Crown Princess of Taronia." "It is true, she is like twins." "But impossible." "Oh, so very utterly impossible!" "No Princess, no bonds." "First of all, you've got to square it with the mob." "Ladies-in-waiting and the whole shebang." "Now, make them play ball with us." "But I do not feel like playing ball." "Who are you?" "You are not a Taronian." "You forget yourself, Baron." "Well?" "What girl wouldn't want to be a princess for 30 days?" "What actress wouldn't want to play the part?" "And for $10,000." "Confidentially, I'd have done it for nine." "NANCY:" "I am the Crown Princess Catterina Theodora Margherita of Taronia." "No, no, that is no good." "Besides, not "I am," "We are."" "We are the Crown Princess Catterina Theodora Margherita of Taronia." "No, no, the accent, it is not yet good." "We are the Crown Princess Catterina Theodora Margherita of Taronia." "That is more like the Princess speaks." "Now, you remember who your grandfather was?" "Big Bill Lane." "Big Bill Lane, no." " Anatol XI." " Anatol XI." " And your great-grandfather?" " Anatol XII." "No, no, no." "It goes, how you call, smaller..." "Oh, yes, darn it." "Anatol X." " And your great-great-grandfather?" " Anatol IX." " And your great-great-great-grandfather?" " Anatol VIII." "No, no, no." "Venceslaus VI." "Oh, why did he have to come along and spoil everything?" "Here's the stuff about the Princess' arrival." "They gave us a good send-off." "But this is marvelous." "You don't look so hot in that one, Baron." "Oh, don't I look sweet there?" " But that is not you." " That's right." "I forgot." "Oh, I'm a wolf, am I?" "A wolf gorged with the blood of the poor, eh?" "Well, I'll go right over there and punch him in the nose." " Where's my hat?" " What's the matter?" " I'll make him eat his words." " Who?" "What do you mean?" "Mr. Porter Madison." "I'll break him in two!" "Where's my hat?" "Oh, one bad notice in six." "It's still a hit." "Where's my hat?" "Say, this is part of what you're supposed to do." "Your job's to vamp the American public, isn't it?" "My girlish laughter is dedicated to it." "Good." "Then start with Mr. Porter Madison." "He's trying to kill the bond issue." "You can make him lay off." " You mean vamp him?" " Yes." "I'll try it." "There's an extra 5,000 in it for you if you can." "Confidentially, I'd have done it for four." ""I should regret having to inform Her Highness that you are ashamed" ""to come after your unwarranted attack on the Taronian bond issue."" "Ashamed, huh?" "He thought that'd get me." "Well, it does." " You mean you're going?" " Why not?" "Think I'd let that horse thief bluff me?" "Suit yourself, but don't let her shake that sturdy Americanism of yours." "Swell chance." "Listen, get a spread set for tomorrow comparing the Princess unfavorably with our shop girls as to style, dress, bearing, beauty, intelligence and, oh, everything." "Brave words, but I know a lot of guys who go to Europe with one 100% American chips on their shoulders and finish up with calluses on their knees from scraping before thrones." "There's something about those royalties that... (BAND PLAYING MUSIC)" "GRESHAM:" "Mr. and Mrs. Raymond Pfeifer." "Your Royal Highness, will you pardon me a moment, please?" " Hello, Madison." " Hello, Gresham." "Your Royal Highness, may I be permitted to present one of our most brilliant young newspaper owners, Mr. Porter Madison III." "How do you do, Mr. Madison III." "I have always wanted to meet you." "Why, thank you, Your Highness." "Your newspaper, it is not unknown in Taronia." "I remember one day His Majesty say something about you." " I forget what he say." " Really?" "Oh, yes, we know of the good work you are doing for the people." "Is that a fact?" " Your Highness." " I mean, Your Highness." "Oh, if the "highness" bothers you, you may call me "ma'am."" " Ma'am?" " Oh, yes." "You may dispense with the formal salutation." " Would you like to call me ma'am?" " Yes, ma'am." "And now, if you will lead me to the champagne, Mr. Madison." "We are somewhat of, how you call, a thirst." " Very good, Your Highness." " Ma'am." "Yes, ma'am." "The fathead thinks he's making a hit." "I say, Gresham, that's a marvelous collection of crystal glasses you have there." "It ought to be." "It set me back $18,000." "I've been waiting for an occasion to use it." " Oh, what pretty glasses." " Yes." "To that so charming gentleman and patriot, your father, King Anatol XII." "(BAND PLAYING MUSIC)" "And now, to that so charming gentleman and patriot, my grandfather," "King Anatol XI." "And now to my great-grandfather, Anatol X." "Are there anymore Anatols we can drink to?" " There must have been an Anatol I." " ALL:" "Hooray!" "No more glasses." "NANCY:" "Oh, let them get some more." "Anatol I was just as good as the rest of them." "Very well, Your Royal Highness." " In the meanwhile, let us dance." " Yes, ma'am." "Tell me, do all Americans dance so badly as you?" "What do you mean?" "Couldn't you come a little closer?" " Princess, I take it all back." " Back?" "What do you take back?" "Never mind." "Oh, ma'am, you're marvelous." "And you are not, like you Americans say, so lousy yourself." " The fun, it is over." " Over?" "From now on, I must go around in your romantic city with a lot of old men in high hats." "Maybe I'm too bold, but couldn't it be arranged so that..." " What?" " So that I would show you the city?" "It's a lovely idea, Mr. Madison III." "Here's your blast." ""The dowdy Princess versus the American shop girl."" "Can't dance, can't dress, awkward, uninteresting." "Cheap!" "Noisy!" "Vulgar!" "Didn't you tell me?" "You misunderstood me." "It's positively indecent." " It's what?" " Indecent." "Why, a Princess travels 4,000 miles out of respect to our country, and you say she waddles." "Say, pull up your trousers, will you?" "I just want to see if you have any calluses on your knees." "Cut that down to a column, stick it back in the second section, and change that headline." "How'll I make it read?" ""Sight of royalty too much for Madison III?"" "Suppose I throw out the yarn altogether?" "Now that's a good idea." "After all, this is not a scandal sheet." "That's news." "Do as I say." "How about the Taronian bonds?" "They got ribbons in their hair now, too?" "No, no, I don't want you to boost them." "We've got to protect the American public." "On behalf of the public, I thank you!" "I like your so strange city very much, Mr. Madison." "Even the poor people live so nicely here." "All these new tenements were started through a campaign in my paper." "Then why is it that your paper says the bonds of Taronia are no good?" "Well, what's that got to do with..." "That is what my father wants to do with the money." "Make the living nice for the poor people." ""Automat"?" "What is automat?" "You put nickels in a slot and food comes out." " No." " Yes, Your Highness." "Tonight, I find the country I have looked for on the map ever since I was a child." " What country?" " Fairyland." "Where there are stars above you and stars below." "It is lovely, this New York." "New York says the same about you." " New York say what?" " That you are lovely." "Have you the right to speak for the whole big city?" "I have the right to speak for myself, or have I, Your Highness?" "We give you the right." "And I like you to think I am lovely." "It is you that makes me think New York is so nice." "Do you mean it?" "In Taronia, what we mean we say, what we say we mean." "(BAND PLAYING MUSIC)" "(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)" "More, please." "It is nice here." "It is a nice..." "How you call, hot spot." "And you are nice." "You are more nice every day I've been with you." "I hadn't any idea a princess would be like you." "I hadn't either." "I mean, I did not know a princess could be so happy." "Oh, look, look!" "Do you get homesick for Taronia sometimes?" "A little." "The trava is lovely in the spring." " It can't be so lovely this spring." " It's always lovely." "The trava is what you call the country." "Do you go sometimes to the country?" "Yes." "I'm crazy about hunting." "Do you ever hunt, Your Highness?" "Yes, I've spent most of my life hunting for jobbies." "I've never heard of them." "What is a jobbie?" "A rare animal." "Very hard to find in America." " Well, what's the matter?" " Nothing." "I remembered something funny which happened to me when I was hunting once." "I set a trap for something and got caught in it myself." "You are young and rich." "In my country, by now you would be married and have seven children." " I don't suppose I'll ever marry." " But why?" "Can't tell you." "Did somebody break your heart?" "Someone is going to." "It is just the glamour of the title." " Oh, no." " Oh, yes." "You must not think it is anything else, please." "Can't help it, Your Highness." "I'm sorry these things should be impossible." "Is it impossible only because of the gulf between us, or is there another?" "A man." "Someone of your own class?" "There is no other." "Hello, kid!" "Say, is that dame trying to ritz me, or something?" "Hello, babe, how's tricks?" "He is, how you call, a little boiled, yes?" "Well, he'd better be careful." "Give them new rags and a yard of glass and right away they give you the high nose." " Hooey to you." " Donald, please." "Get away from here!" "You got a sugar papa, eh?" "Gentlemen!" "Gentlemen!" "Not here!" "(CUTLERY RATTLING)" "I'll never forgive myself for getting Your Highness into a jam like that." " It was unpardonable." " Oh, you could not help it." "I started it." "I would not so much like you if you had not." "You know you're pretty swell for a princess." "Oh, I didn't mean..." "Oh, your poor eye." " Never should have done that." " No." "That was worse than what I did in the restaurant." "Yes." "I want you to like me and I do things to make you hate me." "You certainly do." " Well, good night, Your Highness." " Good night." "Oh, Your Highness..." "Good night." "Mr. Madison..." "You may kiss our hand." "Your Highness." "You may kiss our lips." "Your Highness." "You may come to tea tomorrow." "Your Highness." " Good night, Mr. Madison." " Good night, Your Highness." "Anything doing inside, my good man?" "Nothing but a guy that had a brawl over at Gaston's." "Can't use." "What I seek is a good milk-fed murder." "Make any difference if the corpse is a reporter?" "Say, I came across a pip the other day." "A woman strangled eight husbands with the skins of the others." " When did that happen?" " In the 16th century." "Well, it got to you quicker than most things do." "And this guy walks up to me without any reason at all and hits me in the nose." "I want him pinched for assault and battery." "And then I'm going to sue him." " What was the party's name that hit you?" " I don't know." " But, we can find out through the girl." " What's her name?" "Nancy Lane, an actress." "She has a room over on 45th Street." " Oh, Tim." " Yes, sir." "Go over with this guy and locate that dame." "Thanks, Sergeant." "Hey, I'll go with you." "This is the residence of a party called Nancy Lane?" "(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)" "I knew it, Officer." "I knew something terrible would happen ever since she left." "I didn't throw her out with only 17 cents." "Honest, I didn't." "I just warned her." "(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)" "Where did she do herself in?" " Hey, you." "The party croaked herself." " Now, we're getting someplace." "She croaked herself?" "When did she do it?" "When did she do it?" "That's what I'm asking you." "What's going on here?" "You answer me "yes" or "no."" " Where is she?" " Who?" "The party we're looking for!" "Nancy whatever-it-is." "But, I've been telling you, she vanished." " Who vanished?" " The missing girl!" " But, I saw her last night." " Shut up!" "I'll come to you later." "Now, give me a description of the corpse." "EDITOR:" "Hello." " Who did the fresco on you?" " I ran into a door." "Things are sure getting tough." "You can't go anywhere nowadays without having a door walk up and bust you in the eye." "Let me see that proof." "More hogwash." "I asked you to investigate those Taronian bonds, not turn handsprings over them." ""The wolves are gorging themselves with the blood of the poor."" "I know, I know." "But, Taronia's entitled to a break." "It's an honest little country." "Ever been there?" "What for?" "I haven't been as far as Pittsburgh yet." "Well, it's a beautiful country." "You should see the trava in the spring." "Now that the wolves are playing post-office with the poor, what'll I put on the front page?" "Would you like a nice eight-column banner on how the little birdies are making their nesties up in the Bronx?" "Didn't anything happen in the whole world yesterday?" "Haven't you got anything from Washington with a lot of new initials?" "Well, there was a little brawl over at Gaston's." "Want to make anything of it?" "How many times have I told you this isn't a scandal sheet?" " How many reporters are working here?" " About a quarter of them." "Here's a flash on a girl disappearing." "Nancy Lane or something." "All right, use that." "She was kidnapped." " Was she?" " She might have been." ""Beauty Vanishes." "Kidnappers Feared."" "What more do you want?" "Go on, give it the works." "NEWSBOY:" "Extra!" "Extra!" "Hey, extra paper!" "All about the missing girl here!" "Paper!" "Hey, extra!" "Latest kidnapping case!" "Extra!" "Paper!" "Hey, extra!" "Read all about it!" "The latest kidnapping!" "Paper!" "Hey, extra paper!" "NANCY:" "I didn't know I lost it." "GRESHAM:" "You didn't know you lost it." "Of course, you didn't know." "You don't know anything." "What did you go there for in the first place?" "You told me to vamp him." "I'm sorry." "Vamp him, yes, but I didn't tell you to..." "Say, listen, you haven't fallen for that guy?" " Of course not." " Well, I hope not." "One word from you to anyone, especially to Porter Madison, I'm a ruined man." "Now remember, I'm relying upon you never to say a word." "Don't worry." "I told you I'd never squeal under any condition." "But, if you think I'm falling down on the job, I'll quit." "You'll quit?" "You get into a mess that might queer the whole deal and..." "How could it?" "Here's the Princess' vanity case and there's a picture of Nancy Lane." "Suppose they put the two together?" "Well, I got you into this mess." "I'll get you out of it somehow." "You've done enough." "There's nothing left to do but pray." "KIRK:" "So I went from the police station to the place where she lived and I found it in her room." "I'm telling you it's the biggest story of the year." " No, it's not possible." "It's a joke." " Sure, but who on?" "This is preposterous." "Don't you understand?" "I dined with her." "I danced with her." "I..." "She couldn't fool me." "I know a princess when I see one, don't I?" "Don't I?" "Besides, who came in on the boat?" "Answer me that." "She might've got on at quarantine." "That's been done before." " That's the dame." " Yes, and let me tell you something." "If I thought it were, I'd not only expose her, I'd land her in jail." "You know how I stand on phonies." "But it just happens she is not the girl, Mr. Wise Guy." "What do you want?" "Nothing." "I'm just bringing in your lunch." "Well, hurry up about it." "Yes, sir, but you don't want to eat when you're feeling like that." "You might get indigestion." " She's outside." " MADISON:" "Who is?" "The missing girl." "Nancy Lane." " Who?" " Bring her in, bring her in." "I read in your paper they was looking for me." "Say, do I look as much like a ghost as all that?" "You remind me of someone I know." "Come in." " Where have you been?" " In the subway." "In the subway?" "Yeah, I was broke and it's warm in the subway." " Are you hungry?" " Well..." " Well, try a little of that." " Oh, gee." "Don't eat too fast." "You know, when you haven't eaten in some time..." "I'll be all right." "Good." "And now we must do something about some money for you." " I'll be all right." " Don't be foolish." "We always pay for beats and this is a hummer." ""Star-Express finds missing girl."" " Get me $500, will you?" " Oh, gee, mister, I couldn't take it." "Of course, you'll take it." "And now what are you going to do with it?" "I'm going home, back to Idaho, back to the farm." "I guess I never should've left it." "You're a very sensible girl." "I'll tell you a joke." "He thought you were the Princess." " The what?" " Never mind." "Here's your money and good luck to you, my dear." "I hope you find everything all right down on the farm." "I don't know what to say." "Gee, thanks." "I'll send you a postcard." "Thanks." "My reporters are even going blind on me." "It's the same girl." "Listen, Boss, I'm on the level." "This is the biggest story in years!" " Let me go after it." " Go ahead." "What can you do with a man like that?" " And if you're right..." " If I'm right, what?" " I'll make you managing editor." " Since when is that a reward?" " And you could even have my office." " Done over in paneled walnut?" "You can have it in paneled peanut, if you like." "Okay!" "Definitely." "You may kiss our hand." "You know, the funniest thing happened today." "A poor little girl came into my office and one of my reporters thought it was you." "How funny." "Zizzi!" "Zizzi." "Zizzi." "Oh, Zizzi." "Zizzi." "(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)" "He say, he suffer great loneliness since from Taronia she depart." "He get pain in the heart." "He commence to pine himself away." "Royal Highness, you are surprised, no, that your fiancé, Nicholaus, is here?" "Fiancé?" "Yes." "Nicholaus, listen to me." "Nicholaus." "While in America, we speak only English, sweetheart." "Only English, you understand?" "It gives us opportunity for practice." "I speak English so bad." "How can we be, how you say, intimate?" "We won't be, Nicholaus." "We just won't be." "(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)" "I have made up my mind, Nicholaus, and you know how I am when I make up the mind." "(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)" "It is no use, Nicholaus." "I pretend I do not understand you." "(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)" "This is terrible." "This is fantastic." "That's a good word for it." "(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)" "Goodbye, Your Highness." "I'm sorry I shan't be able to stay for tea." " But, Mr. Madison..." " It was nice to have met you." "Goodbye." "NANCY:" "But, Porter... (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)" "Oh, shut up." "Who is that young whippersnapper?" "To speak sincerely, I don't like his face." "You don't like his face?" "Well, I don't like yours, sourpuss." "Zizzi." "Zizzi." "(SOBBING)" " Sourpuss?" "What mean sourpuss?" " Who are you?" "Me?" "I'm Sourpuss." "Sourpuss..." "Your Highness." "You are not very gracious." "I don't understand why you came after..." "After you ran away this afternoon?" "No." "After once telling me there wasn't another man, when all the time you were engaged to..." "Nicholaus?" "You will not believe me, but Nicholaus means so little in my life that when you ask me about him, I forget." "Yes, he do not exist then because I was thinking only of you." "And now you know why I came here." "To tell you that." "So I can go." "I'm happy now." "I'm not." "Well, I'm not either, now that I think of it." "Don't tell me that in this day and age you're going to sacrifice your happiness for one of those state marriages?" "Zizzi, I love you." "Ever since the first night I met you." " Me, too." " Really?" " Of course." " Then let's run away." "Let's live our lives." "We only get one chance at happiness." "I know, but I can't do it." "Zizzi." "It wouldn't be fair to you." " How silly." " No, it isn't." "Don't you see?" "If I give up my title, I would be nothing." "You would still be Porter Madison III." "You wouldn't want to marry beneath you." " Darling, I love you." " And I love you." " No, please." " Yes, please." "No, no." "I might forget that I'm a princess." " I might remember that I..." " That you love me?" "Yes, that I remember, but also I might remember..." "Porter, there's something I've got to tell you." "Tell me only one thing." "That you love me." "No, no." "There's something else." "There is." "You don't understand, and I don't think you would understand." "Try me." "You see..." "Oh, my dear." "Everything in me wants to tell you." "Everything in me that loves you wants you to know." "But, I haven't the right." " What's all this mystery?" " I should tell you, but I mustn't." "Only this I have told you and can tell you." "I do love you." "Believe that." "No matter how crazy I talk." "Believe that I love you." " Are you positive?" " What do you mean, am I positive?" "She was the maid who walked in on the love scene that I played every night for eight weeks." "I played a love scene with a maid every night for eight months, and still I was wrong." "Dear friends from New York, I say now, how you call?" "Fare thee well." "I thank you again for the courtesy and friendship you show me during my stay in your beautiful city." "What's the big idea?" "Is he coming with us?" "Over my dead body." "Don't be foolish." "Go on with your speech." "Over my dead body." "And it is with deepest regret that I depart now to visit the residue of your great country." "Over my dead body." " What do you think you're doing?" " Maybe we see a buffalo." "I need a specimen for my collection." "My collection is really superb now." "I'll bet." "Just before I come over I shoot some beautiful boars." " Boars?" " Yes." " It's lots of fun shooting boars." " It must be." " Now listen, Your Highness..." " I tell you, over my dead body." "But, listen..." "It's easy for you to talk." "You're not going on this trip." "I'm telling you, one of us gets off." "Board!" "Board!" "(BELL RINGING)" "Listen, I got a great idea." "Come on." " You're Count Nicholaus, aren't you?" " Yes." " The Princess' fiancé?" " Yes." "Is there something I can do for you, gentlemen?" "Well, we're reporters." "We want to interview you." " Yes?" " Yes." " Yes." " Come, take a seat for yourself." "Have you found that America has changed the Princess?" " Yes, I have." " In what way?" "In lots of ways." "Her voice." "It is not quite the same." "She acts different." "Of course, she never liked me much." "But she never threw me off no trains." "Well, maybe she's not the same girl." "Maybe she isn't the Princess at all." "Maybe she isn't." "She couldn't be an impostor?" "Certainly." "That's just what she is." "An impostor." "You knew it all the time." "Didn't you, Count?" "Certainly." "But, where is Zizzi?" "Say, what happened to that woman who was kidnapped in Kansas City?" " She's still being held for ransom." " That's it." "She's being held for ransom." "She's kidnapped." " This is unspeakable." " It is." "It is." "But, why don't they arrest the impostor?" "Well, maybe they have no proof." " Can you get the proof?" " Why should we get the proof?" " It isn't our affair." " But it is my affair." "I shall get the proof." "But where?" " You might try in her room." " Don't desert me." "Assist me." "If he finds anything, Gresham will pay plenty." "(CLATTERING)" " Nothing." "Absolutely nothing." " What's that?" "When I flip off that chair, I catch myself onto this." "Not that." "That." "Nancy Lane's press book!" " Count, you're some sleuth." " Sleuth?" "What means a sleuth?" "Let's get out of here." " What more do you want?" " I'll take a pineapple sundae, please." "You get it." "Now listen, Count, you couldn't want any better proof than this." "That's right." "Don't forget the nuts." "Now that we've got it, what are we going to do with it?" "Will you sign a paper saying that she isn't the real Princess?" " Certainly, but it doesn't do any good." " Why?" "They laugh." "Whenever I say something serious, people laugh." "I don't know why." "Thank you." "But, where is the cherry?" "I'll get it, Count." "I'll get it." "To serve a sundae without a cherry is simply stupidity itself." "Yeah, sure." "Imagine having to eat a sundae with straws." "Such service." "What we need is somebody they won't laugh at." "You can get somebody they won't laugh at." "Not in my family." "But, yes, of course." "I want Taronia." "One-one-one." "What?" "$64.25?" "Come in." "Well, I guess you're glad to be back from the tour." "Yes." "Playing the Princess isn't all I thought it was going to be." "I'm glad the show's over tonight." "But I've got a big scene saved for the end." " Yes, I know." "The farewell reception." " That's only the setting." " See this?" " What is it?" "The payoff for Porter Madison." "This, my dear, is the badge of the Imperial Potentate of the Sons and Daughters of the African Star." "I had the Harlem lodges comb for it." "What are you going to do with it?" "I'm going to have you pin it on Mr. Madison III tonight, for his devoted services to Your Royal Highness." " Is that part of our deal?" " Part of it?" "It's the climax." "And will I have the laugh on him." "Her Highness would like to see Your Highness." "Who?" "Oh, yes, of course." "I'd love to see her." "Come in." "But you do, you really do." "I'm so glad you're fully recovered, Your Highness." "Sit down, Miss Lane." " Or may I call you Nancy?" " I hope you will, Your Highness." "Then you must call me Zizzi." "Formality under the circumstances would be slightly ridiculous, is it not?" "I hear that all of America has fallen in love with you." "Since I see you, I can understand it." "Or do I compliment myself?" " I think you're terribly good-looking." " Aren't you boasting, perhaps?" "Do you like being Princess?" "Of course." "But, I'm glad it's almost over." "Naturally." "You are lucky." "For me it is never over." " You have seen Nicholaus?" " Oh, yes." " Can you imagine?" " Terrible." "Just too terrible." "It is for the good of the country." "And, oh, my dear, there is such a nice young man." "If only you could see him." "Tall, dark, with burning black eyes, a mouth like a pomegranate and strong white teeth." "Just the contrary from Nicholaus." " Have you really got to marry him?" " I suppose so." "What a lucky girl you are." "You marry anyone you like." " What's the matter?" " I can't." "I can't any more than you can." "Why not?" "Tell me about it, dear." "Well, you see..." "We fell in love, but he thinks that I'm you." "Oh, you poor child." " One night in his apartment..." " I went to his apartment?" " Yes." "I'm terribly sorry, Your Highness." " But I'm delighted." "I've always wanted to go to a man's apartment." "Now I've been." " Tell me, was he in pajamas?" " Yes, Your Highness." "In a red dressing gown with silk collar and cuffs?" " No, it was blue." " That's close enough." "But this is marvelous." " Tell me, is he tall?" " Very." "I'm going to weep." "Has he strong white teeth?" "They look strong." "And his mouth is firm and red like a pomegranate?" " Well, yes." " He kisses well, of course?" "Well, doesn't he?" "Don't tell me he was such a fool as not to?" "Marvelously." "Oh, you lucky girl." "And I. Nicholaus." "But you're crying." "As if it isn't bad enough to lose him, now I've got to pin a false decoration on him and make a fool of him." "He'll never forgive me now." " Why should you?" "Whose idea is that?" " Mr. Gresham's." "He has a personal grudge against him and wants to have the laugh on him." "Oh, he does?" "He wants you to decorate him with a false order in my name?" "Stop crying." "Listen to me." "Tonight, a few minutes before the ceremony... (BAND PLAYING MUSIC)" "Her Royal Highness, Catterina Theodora Margherita." "The Crown Princess of Taronia." "Your Royal Highness, I am pleased to announce that the bond issue has been over-subscribed." "And now, before we bid farewell to our American friends, we desire to show our gratitude to two great Americans." "Mr. Porter Madison III and Mr. Richard M. Gresham, by honoring them with the highest orders it is in our power to bestow." "The King must have arranged that on the quiet." "This is going to be even richer than I planned." " Mr. Gresham." " Your Royal Highness." "For your great financial services to Taronia," "I take pleasure in bestowing upon you the order of Carlos Magnus of the Third Class." "Will you come forward?" "No, no, the other one." "Not that one." "The little one." "That one's for him." "Yes, it is beautiful, isn't it?" " And very becoming, too." " What's the big idea?" "You have earned it." "Mr. Madison, will you step forward?" "For your devoted service to our person, as the representative of Taronia, we take great pleasure in bestowing upon you the Gold Cross of Taronia, First Class." "Just a minute, ladies and gentlemen." "Just a minute." "Better keep him here until I call you." "What is the meaning of this, Nicholaus?" "Why are you interrupting?" "Who are you to call me Nicholaus?" "What do you mean by crashing in here like this?" "I mean that she is none other than Nancy Lane, the missing girl, and I can prove it." "Spotty!" "Open the curtains." "Where is my daughter?" " Who are you?" "Where is my daughter?" " Who am I?" "But, Tony... (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)" "Zizzi." "Nicholaus." "You bring me 4,000 miles with crazy talk about kidnappings and ransoms." "My daughter never liked you." "Now I do not like you, either." "You cannot marry her." "Get out." "You, you... (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)" "Papa." "So you're the guy that told me she was Nancy Lane." "That's right." "In the name of Anatol the Fearless, I decorate you." "Maybe I'm going mad, but who are you?" "Kirk was right." " About him I do not know, but..." " But I do know I've been made a fool of." "Is it to be made a fool of to find oneself in love?" " Yeah, with a cheap little fraud." " A nice girl." " She lied to me." " For me." "She loves you, Mr. Madison." "If I were you, I would be, oh, so happy." "Happy?" "Yes, happy." "Because things have come out like they have come out." "Because, you see, I am going back to Taronia tomorrow, and even if I loved you like she loves you, still I would have to go back to Taronia, and never, never you would see me again." "You needn't try to be kind, Your Highness." "Aren't you going to her?" " What are you going to do now?" " Try to forget the Princess of Taronia." " My car, please." " Yes, sir." "And so, young lady, here's your check, the $5,000 bonus included." "Thank you." "I hope I haven't been too difficult." "Difficult?" "You're the grandest little sport I ever ran into." "I know what you've been up against, my dear, but you played square to the hilt." "If I were 20 years younger," "I'd show Madison what a fool he is for not coming after you." "I'd marry you, darned if I wouldn't." "It's extraordinary how much you look like Zizzi." "Tell me, have you royal blood in your veins?" " I don't think so, Your Majesty." " Well, my dear." "You never can tell." "Now, if you ever come to Taronia, you must come and see me." " Anyone can tell you where I live." " Thank you, Your Majesty." " So you fooled me?" " I suppose so." "You're Nancy Lane." " You eat with your knife." " Sometimes." "You dunk your bread in your gravy, with butter on it." "If the part calls for it." "I suppose you were paid to make love to me." "That was the idea." "To vamp me out of exposing that rotten loan." "It isn't a rotten loan." "Pretty proud of yourself, aren't you?" "No." "Made a fine sap out of me, didn't you?" "That wasn't hard." "All men are saps." " But I'm the sappiest." " I've seen worse." ""Springtime on the trava." "Good old trava." ""You may kiss our hand."" " Well, didn't you like it?" " Now, what's that got to do with it?" " You kissed my lips, too." " What of it?" " Wasn't it nice?" " You think so?" " Didn't you?" " That has nothing to do with the case." "What're you going to do now, find another sucker?" "I'm going to hunt for a jobbie." "Didn't they pay you enough?" "Why don't you take a trip around the world or something?" "Why?" "I'll tell you why." " You see that?" " Yes." "Watch." " Hey, what's the idea?" " The idea is that I'm the sucker." " The what?" " The sucker." "The sucker who fell for the fall guy." "Maybe you didn't like kissing me, but I liked kissing you, and I've cried myself to sleep every night since, because I knew it couldn't lead to anything." "I fell for you the first night I met you." "You big sap." "I loved you just as you were." "You didn't need any titles as far as I was concerned." "You could have been a hoofer or a counter man down at the beanery, or a guy out of work." " But, Nancy..." " You said all you had to say." "I tore that up because I'm strictly an amateur, see?" "Wait a minute." "Here!" "Here's your 500." " Go buy yourself a farm in Idaho." " But, Nancy..." "Shut up." "I don't want money from you or anybody else." " I wouldn't marry you..." " Who asked you to?" "Well, you thought about it plenty." "You and your seven children." " That was your idea, not mine." " Oh, go away!" " Go away." " But I'm trying to tell you I love you." " I despise you, you big boob." " No, you don't." "Yes, I do." "I do." "I do."