"There are days when everything just goes to shit." "You forget to put gas in your car." "The skylight you installed a week ago begins to leak." "You don't know how you'll get your kids to the next away game." " And then..." " Undefeated, coach!" "...there are days like this and everything feels worth it and everything seems possible." "Hi, Ray." "It's me." "I hear it went very well with the birthday girl." "I'm proud of you." "Hopefully you're feeling less grumpy and more trustful today." "Anyway, I can meet you and Tanya at 5 for updates, if that works for you." "Bye." " Hey!" "Hey!" " It's all coming down!" "What?" "What's coming down?" " I gotta quit coaching." " What?" "Why?" "What's the point?" "I've been teaching here 26 years, I don't have a pot to piss in." "I'm 55, I'm single, I'm gonna get fired!" "Hey, hey, Mike, the kids, man." " Think about the kids." " The kids don't give a shit." " They do." "They do." " They don't." "I read my mid-semester evaluations today." "They don't." "Man, everybody knows you're not supposed to look at that stuff." "One-point-three." "I am rated a 1 .3 out of 10." "One kid wrote, "I hate Mr. Hunt with a passion that burns like a thousand suns."" "That's teaching." "Some kids they're gonna hate earth science no matter what you do." "You know?" "But" "You can't quit the team." "We need you." "The kids need you." "No, they don't." " They do." " They don't, Ray." "They got you." "They call you "coach," Ray." "They call me "Mr. Hunt."" "And sometimes "Mr. Cunt."" "Hey, hey, hey." "Mike, wait." "What do you always say, huh?" " "I wanna fuck Rhonda Barr"?" " No." " The other thing." " I don't know." "What?" " What do I always say?" " You always say:" ""Every year is a chance for these kids to make it."" " Right?" " Yeah." "That's what you say." "And you're right." "This is the year." "This is the year." "Come here." "Come here." "I want you to look at yourself and say:" ""Today's a great day, and I feel wonderful."" "Go on, say it." ""Today's a great day and I feel wonderful."" "Today's a great day, and I feel wonderful." "Hi, Frances." "So I'm all signed up." " Fantastic." " I'm so glad we're doing this." "Oh, my gosh." "The Red Cross, it's just a wonderful-- It's a wonderful, wonderful organisation." "Poets in Schools." "It's kind of like blood." "For the soul." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I'm a little bit squeamish." "Oh!" "Ow!" "Motherfucker." "Ow." "Sorry." " Are you all right?" " Yeah, I'm fine." "I'm great." "Yeah." "I think I need a cookie." "All right, I think I need my cookie now." "So, Frances, about, um...." " About Richard" " Tanya." "I appreciate your persistence, but I've decided it's just not for me." "You didn't like what you saw at the mall?" "I just don't think I'm interested." "So, frankly, I don't understand why you're here." "I am here...." "I'm here to talk about you." " Can't I just give blood in peace?" " Where's my cookie?" "Oh, I'd really love that cookie." "Frances, when was the last time you had a man just take you out to dinner?" "Simple as that." "A handsome man sitting across the table pouring you a glass of wine." "My husband used to take me to Georgio's by the lake." "Why don't we start with dinner?" "Just see how you feel." "Maybe that's the end of it." "It's really what you want it to be." "Yeah." "Wait." "Sorry." "Tanya, we can't get any closer to you because Horny Patty is suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder after the kidnapping." "Oh, Lenore, I resent that." "I was very loving to Horny Patty." "You threw her, Tanya." "Is that how you express your love?" "Come on, Lenore, sit down." "How can we have a meeting with you over there?" "We're gonna have to meet separately." "You get your updates from Tanya" "Shouldn't take long." "and then I'll give you mine." "That's fine by me, Lenore." "Okay." "She thinks I don't have any leads, but guess what." "Are you ready for this?" " I booked Moby Dick, okay?" " You did?" "I booked Moby Dick." "Wow, that's great." "I booked her, and it was beautiful." "You get §500, and all you have to do is probably have dinner with her." "She's a widow." "She's lonely." " Five hundred for dinner?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "Well, and to be nice, to be romantic." "Here, take the money." "And I got you some cologne, okay?" "It's called Matador." "It tested really well with women over 50." "All you have to do is woo her." " Woo her?" " Yeah." "You can do that, Ray." " Woo her?" " Yeah, you know, charm her so she keeps coming back for more." "You can do that." "You're getting better in the whole wooing department in general." "Then we can be free of Lenore forever, all right?" "Put it away." "I don't want her to see the Matador." "Okay, I'm...." "I'm done." "It's your turn." "I'm all done." " Great." " Have a good meeting." "Thanks for your input, as always." "Hi." "Ahem." "I'm" " I'm Damon." "I haven't done this in a while, if you consider never a while." "I'm a student." "I'm a poet, I hope." "And I'm a twin." "And this is "Sac."" "They say you can double your pleasure Double your fun" "With Doublemint, Doublemint Doublemint gum" "I say "fun" and "gum" don't rhyme" "They show twins riding bikes And flying kites" "We don't ride bikes or fly kites" "We don't go on hikes Or take small bites" "We watch" "We sleep" "They don't show that" "They don't show us" "They sell gum" "We have the same gums" "We have the same teeth" "The same hands" "We once shared the same heart" "They don't show that" "They don't have heart" "They don't show your foetus hand" "On my foetus hand" "Your foetus feet on my foetus feet" "I can still feel the heat" "Of our amniotic sac" "Private" "Safe" "Wet" "Love" "Fuck their gum" "Yes." "Yes." "Give it up for Damon." "D-Rock." "Make sure you stick around for the slam." "Get sconed, people." "Get sconed." "I'm sconed." "Get sconed." "That went a lot better than I thought it would." "I was thinking I should" "Maybe I should take out the part about the gum." "But I don't know." "I'm not sure." "So, what did you think?" "It was embarrassing." "Can we go so we don't miss the bus?" "Wanna get sconed?" "Give me three." "I love you." " You feel good about this?" " Yeah." " Good." "Good." "I want you to." " I do." "Good." "Why did we leave?" "Why did we leave?" "Why did we leave?" "Why did we leave?" "It's because you are a racist." "Hey, hey." "Throw a Ho Ho in my mouth." " No." " Come on, do it." "Make it happen." " You're a Ho Ho racist, huh?" " Will you stop acting so weird, please?" "Stop eating those." "Why'd you say my poem was embarrassing?" "Because you made us sound like freaks." " You didn't like it?" " No." "Are you--?" "Do you think you're ovulating?" " Yes, Ronnie." " Perfect." "I just wanna make sure." "Let's just not talk about it right now, okay?" "Okay." "I'm sorry." "I'm just" "I mean, you're off birth control, right?" " Yes, Ron." " Good." "Great." "I just" "You flushed your pills, right?" "You don't still have the pills?" "I still have them." "It doesn't mean I flushed them." " I'm just not taking them." " Okay." "I would feel better if you...." "If you flushed them." "Now?" "I just happened to be looking for the car keys." " I went to your purse" " You looked through my purse?" "No." "No, no." "I wouldn't do that." "It's just-- If you're holding on to your pills then I think you still have not decided." "You're unbelievable." " Honey." " I don't know what difference it makes." "You don't trust me." "I'm trying to have your baby." "That's not enough!" "I'm gonna flush them." "Damn it." "I'm gonna fucking flush them." "Today's a great day." "Today is a great day." "Today is a great day." "Today is a great day." "Goddamn it." "And I feel wonderful." " What's up, Darb?" " You have to come and get Damon." " What's wrong?" " He's sick or something." " Where's your mom?" " I can't tell Mom." " I don't wanna be born." " Stop trying to go through the wall." "He's totally freaking out." "You have to come get him out of here." " Hold on." "What happened?" " I don't know." "We were at that stupid poetry slam." "I think someone slipped him pot or something." " How does somebody slip him pot?" " Dad, I don't know." "Darby, put your mother on the phone." "Dad, Mom is fighting with Ronnie about a baby, okay?" "And they're both naked." "I'm not going in there." "Can you just come, please?" "Patty, I need to talk to you about a problem with my hours." " Yeah?" " It says here I work three shifts in a row." "You said you wanted more hours." "Yeah, but, Patty, not three shifts." "Not 24 hours in a row." "This is humanly impossible." "It's not." "This one time, I was on a diet pill, and I stayed up for 67 hours." "I lost 3 pounds." "Okay, Patty, I do not want to take speed to stay awake." "That's not the kind of person I am." "It was diet pills, Tanya, not drugs." "I think you know what I want." "Okay, Patty, I am in charge of my merchandise and as far as merchandise goes, I'm the boss." "And as the boss, I say you will no longer be sampling my merchandise." "That's right." "I do not negotiate with degenerates." "I'm cutting you off." "Sorry." "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "That's him now." "I'll take great pleasure in informing him that we'll no longer be servicing you, Horny Patty." "That's right." "That's what we call you." ""Horny Patty."" ""Horny Patty." Hello?" "Ray?" "Richard." " Tanya, I hate to do this." " I'm an egg." "I'm an egg." " I'm gonna have to cancel Frances." " What?" "No." "We can't." " I'm an egg." "That's what I am." " Who is that?" "That's my son." "He's out of his mind on pot scones given to him by your poet friends." "You understand my problem?" "I just" " I can't do this right now." " I'm an egg." "Ray?" "No, Ray, please." "This is our chance." "If you stand Frances up now, it's over." "Please." "Find someone to help Damon, and go over and meet her." "Otherwise she won't understand." "Yeah" " Oh, and, yeah, by the way, Horny Patty is no longer your client." "I know." "I knew you'd be thrilled." "That's right." "That's right." "Yes." "No, no, we should." "We should go out and celebrate." "Yeah." "Anywhere you want." "I know." "Okay." "Okay." "Bye-bye." "So you see how I roll now." "I will not be working three shifts in a row and I dare you to do anything about it." "Hi." "Gotta run." "Wonderful." "Hang on." "Just stay here for a second." " Everything okay?" " Damon, just lie down." " Hey, turn the radio on." " What's going on?" " Mike, I need your help." " What's wrong with him?" " I'm gonna get stuck." " Buddy, you're fine." "You're okay." " Jesus." " He's really troubled, Ray." "I got an important thing I need to do tonight." " I'm wondering if you could pinch hit." " I can't feel my toes." " Sure." "I guess." " Dad." "I see you, Dad." "Jeez." "I have an appointment with a woman a very nice lady, who-- Kind of like my sponsor." " She's your sponsor?" " Similar to my sponsor." " She's like a friend of my sponsor." " Where do you find them, Ray?" "Listen, there are certain women, very normal, friendly women who pay good money for you to have dinner with them." "One of these appointments is tonight, in 20 minutes and I'm wondering if you could stand in for me." "You know, because I'm gonna be a little late." "You just meet them for dinner, and she pays." "Like a free dinner?" "Yeah, for dinner, and for you to meet with her." "She pays for you to have dinner with her plus the cost of the dinner?" "Yes." " So it's like a date?" " Like a date, yes, exactly." "I just need you to keep the seat warm for me, you know?" "I don't wanna stand her up, and...." "Yeah, you could use a little extra cash, right?" " Sure." " Dad." "I'm stuck." " Just" " In a second, Damester." " Dad, I'm stuck." "Okay, look, here's the info." " Just tell her you're a friend of mine." " I'm still stuck." " I had an emergency." " Help." "Help." " I'm gonna get there soon." " Okay." " Okay." "You got it." " You'll be great." "And wear a suit." "Wear a suit." "All right." "Easy, buddy." "Easy." " Hold still." "Come on." "Easy." "Easy." " Ray?" " You gotta try to fall asleep." " Ray." "I came to help." " Don't need your help." " Ray, you have nothing to worry about." "I know how to handle situations like this." "I'm perfectly capable of doing it alone." "I'm not leaving my kid with you." "How do you think all this started?" "What are you talking about?" "This is not my fault." "It ain't mine." "All right, Ray, we have plenty of time." "We can sort this out later." "But for right now, you gotta go." "You gotta go." "You go see Frances, and I'm gonna stay here and I've got it all covered." "I'm going to take care of Damon because I'm good in a crisis." "Tanya, you are a crisis." "I am not a crisis." "You are a crisis." "And how come you can make it to Lenore's clients and not to mine?" "Because Lenore doesn't introduce my son to drug dealers." " That's why." " Here we go." "Wow, you're a regular Florence Nightingale." " I guess we call Frances and cancel." " Don't." "I got a sub." " You got a what?" " A man." " Where are you going?" "Buddy." "Hold on." " A man." "A plan." "A man." "A plan." " A what?" "Ray, did you say sub?" " A man." "A plan." "Panama." " Panama!" "A man...." " Stay out of the kitchen!" "A man, a plan, a canal, Panama." "A man, a plan, a canal, Panama." " What is it?" " It's a palindrome." "This is exactly what I was afraid of." " Thank you, Jimmy Carter." " "He needs to express himself," you said." ""Take him to some poetry readings." Look at him." " Thank you, Jimmy Carter." " He's thanking Jimmy Carter!" "Ray, this is not a reaction to poetry." "This is a reaction to pot." " Very strong pot." " I've seen people on pot, okay?" " I've never seen this." " Ray, he's gonna be fine." "And Jimmy Carter was a great president." " Thank you, Jimmy." " He just" " He just needs to breathe." " He'll pass out." "He's hyperventilating." " No, he's not." " Ray." "Ray, lighten" " He's gonna pass out." "Hey, buddy." "Just breathe." "You're fine." "You're gonna be fine." "Chew on this." "Just chew." "That's right." "See?" "He's breathing." "No, Ray, the paper-bag thing, it's for the birds, okay?" "I used to have panic attacks." "It doesn't work." "You breathe into it." "Thank you, Jimmy Carter." " I just don't understand this." " Just let him stay at Dad's tonight." " What happened?" "Why did he go?" " He just wanted to go." " Did you two have a fight?" " No." "Well, something had to happen, Darb." "He saw you naked, okay?" "He saw you and Ronnie naked, arguing, and he had a meltdown." "Oh, boy." "Children should never see parents naked." "You used to drag me into the shower to wash me." "You were always naked." " You were too young to know." " I was 14." "It's him." "Your penis haunts him, I'm sure." "It's the snake that swallowed his mother." "All right, shut up." "That's disgusting." "You never come in the house so quiet." "How were we supposed to know you'd be chasing each other around?" " We weren't chasing each other." " Jess, I know you're upset..." " ...but Damon overreacted." " Don't tell me my son overreacted." "Is that how you're gonna be as a father?" "I saw my mother naked, okay?" "I didn't go off the deep end." "You know, I watched my father-- I walked in, and he's masturbating." "Okay?" "Now, that" " That's disturbing." "T.M.I." "Ron...." "I'm sorry." "Shouldn't have said that." "Did you write this?" "This is about your sister." "It's beautiful." "Most people are too afraid to say how much they love somebody." "She hates me." " You can have it." " Well, thank you." " Don't tell my dad." " I won't." "He's asleep." "Listen, I'm gonna stay here and watch him because he's" " He's not-- He's gonna sleep through the night." "He's fucked up, okay?" " Wait, wait, wait." "Come here." " All right." "I can't leave him here, Tanya, alone." "I'd be a very bad dad." "Okay?" "But it's gonna be fine." "Mike's a great guy." "He's not gonna ruin the deal." "Mike's the sub?" "Bald Mike?" "Who teaches science?" " Mike, my third-base coach, yeah." " Oh, no." "No!" "Oh, no!" "Oh, no!" " No!" "No!" "No!" " Keep your voice down." " Are you kidding me?" "Oh, fuck." " Keep your voice down." "Oh, God." "The whole reason we went to the mall was so she could see you." "Oh, Ray, we just" " We lost." "We lost the white whale." "Listen, Tanya, I know tonight didn't work out the way we'd hoped but just call her tomorrow, okay?" "I'll call her." "All right?" "I'll call her." "I'll get her to give us another shot." "Okay?" "But just for now please, let's call it a night." "Please." "Let's call it a very long night." "Okay?" "Yeah." "Okay." " How much does he know?" " Mike?" " Yeah." " Nothing." "All right?" "I don't know." "Oh, great." "But I promised him the money." "Oh, this is a fine kettle of fish." "What?" "These expressions you use just...." "What?" "It means we're fucked, Ray." " I know what it means, Tanya." " We're fucked." " I guess your friend isn't going to show." " I'm sorry." "He might still be coming." "You seem like a nice enough person." "It's just a little unnerving to expect dinner with one person and then to have it with another." "I had a great time." "I had a lovely, lovely time." "I enjoyed our conversation." "Even though we didn't have much of it." "I'm not very good at this." "I guess that's obvious." "But I still really think that you're terrific." "Frances, can I buy you dinner?" "What?" "I would very much like to buy you dinner." "So, what happens is, as the magma, or lava, cools is these elements combine chemically." "They crystallise in geometric patterns to form the eight rock-forming minerals." "Okay." "All right." "Read the pages, people." "Sixty-eight to 90." " Hey, Ray." " Mike." "I tried calling you all weekend, but you weren't there." "I even stopped by your house." "You weren't there." " Yeah, yeah." "Sorry about that." " That's fine." "No, I'm sorry." "I, uh...." "I just-- I couldn't get there, you know?" "What--?" "So did everything go okay?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "So how was dinner?" "Fine." "She was nice." "Good." "Hey, thanks for filling in." "So there's not anything I should know about, or...?" "Not really." "Except" "I" " She wants to see me again, Ray." " She said that?" " Yeah." " Yeah?" "I hope that's okay." "That's fine." "I" " That's fine." "Because I know you were supposed to be there instead of me but, honestly Ray, I don't know why a woman like that would need to pay to have someone take her to dinner." "Yeah." "I like her, Ray." " I like her a lot." " Well, that's" "Hey, that's super." "That's super news, Mike." " Yeah?" "Thanks." "Thanks." " Yeah." "I gotta get going." "I gotta make photocopies for my next class." "Sure, buddy." "Hey, Ray." "Ray." "Today is a great day, and I feel wonderful."