"# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" "We're definitely rehearsing tonight, yeah?" "8 o'clock, down the hall." "Oh, will the rest of the group be there this time?" "Oh, great, man!" "Oi, Ringo!" "Hope my huffing and puffing ain't interrupting you." " No, no sweat, man." " It certainly ain't coming from you, lazy git!" " Come on!" " Charlie, I gotta go." "See you later." " Rehearsing with the group tonight." " Group?" "You're a drummer with no drums!" "It's early days yet." "Why do you waste your time with that bunch of wallies?" "They're not a bunch of wallies!" "You haven't even heard us play yet." "I don't need to." "I know who your lead singer is." "Mental Mickey!" " There's nothing wrong with Mickey Maguire." " Only bit a bloke's ear off, that's all!" "Not all of it." "Before you become deeply involved in any musical argument with Mental Mickey, make sure you're wearing a bullet-proof balaclava." "Get this stuff in the van." "What we bought, anyway?" "Look, it's obvious, innit?" "Sausages!" "Talking dolls, innit!" "I know that, I meant what sort of stock is it?" "Is it bankrupt?" "Fire-damaged, water-damaged, soiled or just plain hooky?" "Don't be like that, Rodney." "These are near perfect." "Near perfect?" "What's wrong with 'em?" " Nothing." " Why aren't they called perfect, then?" "It's just legal jargon, used by the insurance companies to save on paperwork." " Don't worry about it." " Easy for you to say." "I'm the one that has to go down the Arndale Centre and flog them things." "Look at the aggro last Christmas over them cricket bats." ""Each one personally autographed by Viv Richards."" "Each one WAS personally autographed by Viv Richards." "All right, it wasn't THE Viv Richards." "No..." "It was Davey Richards' eldest sister." "I've had nothing but comebacks on them." "No, you'll be all right with these things." "Look." "Take a look at 'em." "Can you see anything wrong with that?" "Stop that!" " They look all right." " All..." "All right?" "What?" "This is Taiwan's finest, Rodney." "This is quality par excellence, this gear." "We'll pick the rest up after dinner." "Go on, jump in the van." "(DOLL) Eh, what's up, doc?" " What?" " I thought you said something." "No!" "Oi!" "I reckon this group of mine could really go places." "Sooner the better, if you ask me." "We're styling ourselves on Frankie Goes To Hollywood." "Oh, t'riffic." "You dozy little twonk, Rodney!" "You bang on the roof of my van again, it won't be Frankie Goes To Hollywood, it'll be Rodney Goes To Hospital!" "Bloody hell, Del." "I said I was sorry." "You will be!" "If I get headaches... (ARGUING)" "# The wind is blowing, The snow is snowing... #" "Oi!" "Get yer thieving hands off!" "I weren't feeling that well, Del." "You'll feel a bloody sight worse if I catch you at my Cervossiery again." " What's all the big hurry?" " I'll tell you..." "I've just heard an interesting bit of news down the pub." "Oi, you!" "Have you heard of the Shamrock Club over at Deptford?" "The Paddies' Mollin Rooge?" "That place?" " Well?" " I read about it in the local paper." "Well, their resident band, The Dublin Bay Stormers, they were in a ruck last weekend and they're all banged up on remand." "So?" "So, what is it next Sunday, eh?" "It's St Patrick's Night, innit?" "The biggest earner of the year and the Shamrock Club ain't got a band." "But I have!" "You don't mean young Rodney and that bunch of wallies?" "They can't do all that Mother Macree stuff." "Listen, you don't know Rodney that well." "He's a very talented little lad." " They'll love 'im." " They'll tear him limb from limb." "No, they won't." "Worst he'll get is a red nose." "It's nothing to do with me, Del." "I'll keep my opinions to myself." " You do that." " It don't seem right, though." "I mean, it's not fair." "Nor is Frank Bruno's arse, but you don't go on about it!" "Shamrock Club?" "Can I speak to Liam, please?" "It's Derek Trotter." "Thank you." "Liam?" "Del Boy." "(IRISH MALES SINGING)" "How are you, pal?" "T'riffic." "Listen, I just heard the tragic news about the Stormers." "The bloody laws in this country!" "Diabolical, eh?" "Well, how are you fixed for a band on St Paddy's Night?" "This is it." "Where do you find a good band these days?" "What?" "I know there's a lot of cowboys about." "Sorry?" "What noise?" "Oh, that?" "That's what I was phoning about." "I'm down at the community hall, and there's a group of youngsters on stage rehearsing." "Yeah, that's them in the background now." "Do what?" "Just a minute." "Oi!" "Keep it down, will you, lads?" "I'm on the blower!" "Hold on, Liam, I'll just go and close the door." "There we are, now we can hear ourselves speak." "Do what?" "Funny, they do sound a lot like The Bachelors." "That's who they model themselves after." "There's some good news and there's some bad news, Liam." "The bad news is that they are expensive." "It's three hundred sovs, I'm afraid." "But the good news is they are free on St Paddy's Night." "All right!" " He wants to think about it." " That shouldn't take long, should it?" "No, go on." "You carry on, my old son." "Take all the time in the world." "(INCREASED VOLUME)" "Oi!" "Close that door, will you?" "You won't go far wrong with these boys, Liam." "No, no." "You know it makes sense." "There is one thing." "They - not me, you understand - insist on cash in advance." "Yeah." "You what?" "All right, I'll tell you what, I'll pop down in about an hour." "T'riffic." "Ta-ra!" "(MIMES TO RECORD) # My Dia-a-a-ne... #" "The family used to tell stories about you and your business activities." "I never believed 'em up until now." ""Get in, get out, don't look back," that's my motto." " I can't wait to tell Rodney the good news." " Here, listen." "You keep quiet." " This is going to be...a surprise." " Nothing to do with me, Del." "I just hope I don't let it slip out." "That would be very unfortunate, eh?" "Would you like a LARGE brandy in there, Uncle Albert?" " That's nice of you, son." "Thank you." " That's all right." "Might as well leave the bottle down here." "Save me having to get up." "Have a nice evening." "You blackmailing old bark!" "(LOUD JAMMING)" "# Ow!" "# Come on, Rodney, give us some cymbal!" "Cymbals?" "What's he doing here?" "Just came down to listen to you lads." "Don't mind, do you?" " You came down here on a wind-up." " Au contraire, Rodney, au contraire." "In fact, I'm very impressed." "He sounds in very good voice, does Mental Mickey." " I don't like people calling me that!" " Sorry." "Better put my hands over my earlobes!" " Why don't you piss off down the pub?" " Watch it!" "This is OUR community hall." "Anyone's entitled to walk in." " Come on, let's hear you." " Come on, he won't put us off." "Yeah, right." "One, two, three, f..." " Oi, Rodney, I do the one-two-three-fours." " Sorry, I forgot." "One, two, three, four!" "Hold on, hold on!" "Where d'you learn to count?" "Rampton?" "I ain't never been to Rampton." "Who started them rumours?" " All right, Mick, take it easy." " I ain't never been to Rampton!" "I've been to Broadmoor once or twice but..." "Of course." "Sorry, sorry." " One, two, three..." " I'm not gonna tell you again, son!" "I do the one-two-three-four!" "Right?" "Right..." "One, two, three, four!" "# Listen here, stop me if you've heard it" "# A million kids, don't have to deserve it" "# Don't play about with knives Boys will be boys will be boys... #" " Hold up, hold up!" " What is it now?" "I am very surprised." "I came down expecting you bunch of wallies to sound like... ..a cat being doctored without anaesthetic." "But you're good!" " What...?" " You're very good." "You're not quite up to the standard of Spanner Ballet or Durram Durram." "But there's something about your music that I like." "Well, it's got something." "(l only hope it ain't catching!" ")" "If this is all a build-up to some funny joke, tell us now and stop wasting time." "It's not a joke, Rodney." "Not a joke." "I mean it." "I'm very impressed." "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "Of course, you realise you'll flop like a jelly on a wet mattress." " Oh, yeah?" "Why are we gonna flop?" " Because you're undisciplined." "You ain't going nowhere until you get your act together." "Yeah?" "My mate's cousin works in a record company, and he can get us a contract." "Oh, yeah?" "And my mate's a doorman at Chelsea, but he can't get me a bloody game, can he?" "You're still rough around the edges." "Take a butcher's at yourselves." "You look like something the cat's dragged in." "And then dragged out again." "Trotter, shut it!" "We like looking like this." " We're Marxist Trotskyite Anarchists." " Yeah!" "Why d'you wanna be superstars?" "We wanna be RICH Marxist Trotskyite Anarchists!" " Not too rich." " No." "Just a little bit rich." " Money ain't everything." " It takes the sting out of being poor, though." "It strikes me that what you need is... someone to steer you in the right direction, look after your interests." "Well, what you need is a manager." "Hold on, hold on." "Don't look at me." "The bloke who becomes your manager will have to buy you all new equipment." "New drums, new guitars, new set of speakers." "No." "That's gonna cost an arm and a leg." " I thought you said we was good?" " You are good." "You're all natural." "You've got raw talent." "Oi, Trotter!" " Put your money where your mouth is." " Don't you think I'll back my instinct?" "You know me, Rodney." "He who dares wins." " Funds are a bit tight at the moment." " You ain't half a wally, Trotter." " Yeah, we know!" " We've heard it all before, Del!" "(DEL) All right, you win!" "I will be your manager." "I'll get you bookings, you see if I don't!" " What about instruments, though?" " I'll get that as well." "Don't listen to him." "We'll end up with chuck-aways from some Boy Scouts band!" "No, you won't." "All your equipment will be brand-new." "Write down what you want, and I'll get it." "I'm gonna make an investment in you lads." "This time next year, we're gonna be millionaires." "I can see it now..." "The Albert Hall, Carnegie Hall, the Hollywood Bowl." "The revolutionary new sound of pop protest!" "You don't know any Bachelors' numbers, do you?" "All right..." "It doesn't matter." "Not important." "You carry on rehearsing, 'cause I'm gonna put this show on the road." "Come on, let's hear yer!" "Your manager has spoken!" "(RODNEY) One, two, three..." "(MICKEY) I told you before!" "(MICKEY) One, two, three, four!" "(BLOWS A RASPBERRY)" "(ANGRY SHOUTING)" "(YELLING AND SMASHING INSIDE)" "(DEL) Get that in!" "Get it in!" "Get hold of that!" "What about Mental Mickey?" "He's happy enough." "Right, let's make sure I've got all the details." "The stolen items consist of two guitars... two speakers... and a set of drums." "Well, there's one of your sticks." " It's a bit oily." " Cheers." " So, you reckon you'll catch 'em?" " Shouldn't have too much trouble." "We'll go round all the clubs until we find a band with a one-armed drummer." "I need you, don't I?" "I really need you!" "What's all this other stuff in here, anyway?" "We...collect things." " Funny sort of things to collect, aren't they?" " Yeah, well, everyone's gotta have an hobby." "(DOLL SPEAKS IN DALEK VOICE) Exterminate!" "Exterminate!" "Good afternoon, officer." "Can I be of any assistance?" "They've had it all - the drums, the guitars, everything." "I locked that door last night, I swear." " All right, Rodney." "Not to worry, eh?" " What do you mean?" "All our equipment's been nicked!" "Well, that's not quite true." "Rodney, nip outside and make sure I switched the engine off on the van." "No." "Well, you see, actually, these items haven't been stolen." "A van came round this morning and took 'em back to the shop." "I know the owner, and he let me have 'em on a sale and return basis." "(OFFICER) I see." "You enjoy wasting police time?" "Hold on!" "I didn't know he had 'em on sale or return, did I?" "It's all right." "It's my fault, I didn't tell him." "Sorry." "About all this other stuff..." "Excuse me, officer, I just saw a couple of kids trying to remove the front wheels of your Panda." "What?" "!" " I might be back to see you!" " I can't wait." "What do you think you're playing at, inviting the Old Bill round here?" "!" "What do you mean, me?" "You told me you'd bought that equipment." " You just set us up, didn't ya?" " Now listen, Rodney..." "We've earned 300 sovs, right?" "And we didn't actually pay out for any equipment." "Brilliant, eh?" "Brilliant?" "!" "We nearly had our heads smashed in!" "I didn't want to play the Shamrock." "None of us wanted to play the Shamrock Club." "But we played it 'cause you said it was our first step on the road to stardom." "And we believed you." "Then you're bigger plonkers than you look." "You didn't honestly believe that rubbish, that you wallies were destined for the Albert Hall?" "Carnegie Hall?" "!" "The only hall you was destined for was Sod All!" "As it happens, you've made 150 quid!" "Anyway, you can still play with the group." "No, I can't, actually!" " Why?" " We had an artistical disagreement." "Look what Mickey tried to do to my ear." "That vicious little git!" "I'm gonna sort him out!" " What was the row about?" " They said you set us up." "They said it was your one-off earner to get rid of the suits you've had since 1975." "The way some people's minds work!" "What do you mean?" "They were right!" "I defended ya!" "I stood there and I defended ya!" "Do you know why?" "Well...it's 'cause you're me brother and I don't like people rubbishing you." "Still work, does it?" "It was only a pipe-dream, Rodney." "At least I had a dream, Del." "It's more than I've got now." "Come on, Rodders." "You didn't think you were going anywhere, did ya?" "Just take a look at them other three." "They've five and a half brain cells between them, and one of them was on the blink!" "All that show business lark!" "They're all Stoke-on-Trent, ain't they?" "You gotta watch yer old Deaf and Dumb in that game." "Why do you always try and stop me in everything I do?" " Who, me?" " You're always sticking your oar in!" " Sometimes I get the feeling you're scared." " Scared?" "Me?" "Scared of what?" "Scared of me becoming a success." "You're terrified one day I might just make it." "It's like a knife in my heart, Rodney." "There is nothing I would like more than to see you become...someone." "Have a nice Capri Ghia." "All that!" "I remember what Mum said on her death bed." "She said to me, "Del, please give little Rodney all the encouragement that you can." ""Never, Del, never hold him back"." "She didn't half say a lot on her death bed." "What?" "Whatever the subject, Mum had something to say about it on her death bed." "She must have spent her final hours doing nothing but rabbiting!" "You are walking a bleeding tightrope here, Rodney." "Hang on!" "Last week we were rowing about who was going down to the chippy." "And you claimed that Mum said on her death bed," ""Send Rodney for the fish"." "Well, I'd had a few, hadn't I?" "Listen, Rodney." "Come on." "You tried something and it didn't work." "But look!" "Look!" "You've got 150 beer vouchers." "There, that's it." "Come on, Rodney!" "Come on, cheer up!" " We gotta go down the market this afternoon." " T'riffic (!" ")" "Come on, Rodney, listen..." "It ain't all bad news, is it?" "On the one hand, you've had your hopes and your dreams dashed." "On the the other hand, I've got a van-load of hooky Maltesers!" "Come on, let's go!" "Yeah, yeah, all right, I'll come straight with you." "I've had these dolls for a week and I haven't sold one." "If you'll take a chance, I'll take a loss." "I can't be fairer than that." "Would I lie to you?" "All right, I'll see you around." "Goodbye." "(DOLL) What's with you, Boo Boo?" "Shut up!" "(TV PRESENTER) A new entry in the charts at number 26." "Four guys from South London." "This is "Boys Will Be Boys" from A Bunch of Wallies." "Wonder if Trigger could knock some out down the council depot?" "Oh, shut up!" "Bloody noise!" "I can't think." "I don't believe it!" "I don't believe it!" "It's that..." "It's that bunch of wallies!" "What do they think they're doing on Top of the Pops?" "!" "(FRONT DOOR SLAMS)" "All right!" "Know that old bird that works down the laundromat?" " The one who's after..." " Yeah, yeah..." "What?" " What's wrong?" " Nothing!" "Nothing." "It's all right." "Fine." "Want a cigar?" "You don't want that one anyway." "I'll get you another." "Sorry, you were saying...?" "I wound her up, I said Uncle Albert wants to take her to the OAP beano." " Put him right in it, haven't I?" " Like it!" "Like it!" " You sure everything's all right?" " T'riffico, t'riffico." "Couldn't be better." "Oh, right..." "Hey, Top of the Pops is on." "Yeah...no, no!" "The telly's broke." " I'll watch it on the black and white." " That one's broke an' all." "It's all broken, yeah." " It's gotta be a fuse in the socket." " I tried all that." "It's all absolutely broke." "I'll get the firm in in the morning." " Absolute naus, innit?" " Yeah." "Oh, well, I might as well give Albert the good news." "Go on, he's in his room." "Uncle Albert?" "(UNCLE) Hello, son, you all right?" "He'll go bloody divvy when he finds out." "Oh, God!" "Act your age, you interfering little..." "Can't you have a word with him, Del?" "He's only come in there to annoy me." "I don't want to go on an OAP beano." "Don't go, then." "Don't go." " I'm off out." "Don't mention it to Rodney." " He won't want to go with you, anyway." "He's watching Top of the Pops on the portable." "They're in the charts." "So they're in the charts?" "Marque de fabrique, as they say." "They could go to number one." "They could have a smash hit on their hands." "All right, say you have a smash hit on yer hands." "You might not get another one for the rest of yer life!" "I always said they could make it, and you convinced me they couldn't." "That's always been your trouble, Rodney." "Too easily swayed." "What about me, eh?" "What about me?" "I was their manager." " I'm gonna stick this right up your jacksy!" " Now listen..." "# We've got some half-price cracked ice And miles and miles of carpet tiles," "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs," "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits From a mush in Shepherd's Bush," "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush," "# No income tax, no VAT," "# No money back, no guarantee," "# Black or white, rich or broke," "# We'll cut prices at a stroke," "# God bless Hooky Street," "# Viva Hooky Street!" "# Long live Hooky Street!" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street!" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street Hooky Street... #" "# Stick a pony in me pocket" "# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" "No, no, no." "Everything's cushty!" "Yeah." "No, you've got nothing to worry about." "You know me." "I'll do anyone a favour if the money's right." " You had to interfere, didn't yer?" " I was merely trying to get a picture for you." "I had one till you started mucking around with the aerial." " There was a ghost on the screen." " 'Course there was a ghost on the screen!" "I was watching an 'orror film." "Just leave things alone, will you, Rodney?" "D'you realise there are nigh on four million people unemployed in this country?" "All you do is sit there and watch horror films." " What would you like me to do?" " Well, you... ..could at least think about it." "I've BEEN thinking about it." "That's why I want to watch the 'orror film." "Shut up, you two, I'm on the blower." "Yeah, sorry." "Go on." "I blame it on computers." "How many people have been put on the dole by a robot what can build a car?" "That's why I'll never get a proper job." "They can train a robot to do something better than I can." "They can train a chimpanzee to do it better than you!" "I'll see you tomorrow morning about eleven o'clock." "OK, pal?" "(DEL CACKLES)" "That's it, Rodney." "I've got a coup!" "I pulled off a genuine coup." "Not another coup." "What you done this time?" "We've got someone coming to stay with us for the next couple of weeks." " A PAYING guest." " Who's that, then, Del?" " It's not a "who", it's a "what"." " What?" "Exactly, it's a dog." "And I don't want none of your smart remarks, either." "Boycie and Marlene's puppy." "They're going on holiday and they want us to look after it." " Why don't they just stick it in the kennels?" " You see, Marlene don't trust 'em." "The thing is, for the last few years, Boycie and Marlene have been trying to start a family." "But so far, as they say on the continent, "Thrrp nitto"." "What's this got to do with the puppy?" "Marlene started to get broody, so Boycie buys her a puppy for Christmas." "Pukka thing, no mucking about." "It's got a pedigree." " Cost him six 'undred quid." " Six hundred...?" "!" ""Six 'undred?" "!" I said to him, "I could have got you one much cheaper than that."" "Anyway, Marlene, she thinks that this puppy is her baby." "You know what I mean?" "And she don't want her baby put in some muddy old kennels." "She wants it to receive personal attention." "The sort that we can provide for sixty quid a week." "Sixty pounds?" "!" "But, Del, we don't know nothing about it." "Canine welfare, that's a specialised profession." "Leave it out, Rodney!" "All you've got to do is feed it in the morning, take it for a walk over the adventure playground." " What if Boycie and Marlene find out?" " We'll have to swear the dog to secrecy." "What happens if one of the neighbours tell 'em?" "What they gonna say?" ""'Ere, we saw Rodney taking your dog out every morning and evening for a walk."" "What's wrong with that?" "It's exactly what they want us to do." "Yeah, I suppose you're right." "What d'ya mean, "I saw RODNEY take the dog out every morning and evening"?" "Figure of speech, that's all, Rodders." " Figure of speech?" "!" "I know your games!" " Leave it out!" "(CAR HORN)" "Ow!" "I'll have a headache for the entire flight now!" " You were expected half an hour ago." " Why?" "What happened?" "We're on time." "Must be something wrong with your watch." " Do you want to buy a decent one?" " From you?" "You must be joking!" " Why?" "Listen, if..." "Hello, Marlene, my love!" " Hello, sweetheart!" " Hey!" " Wooh!" " Did you have a nice Christmas?" " T'rrific." " I had a dog." " We had a turkey, same as every other year." "You two are as bad as each other." "Whoo!" "Derek!" "Marlene!" "Why don't you go and get the dog, and then perhaps we can get going?" "Yeah, all right." "I'll fetch his food as well." " I like you in lipstick, Del." " What...?" " Where you off to, then, Boycie?" " Just a couple of weeks to the Seychelles." "Ever been to the Seychelles, have you?" "Don't know." "Have we ever been to the Seychelles, Rodney?" "I'd have to check my passport on that one, Del." "You are quite sure you will be able to look after this dog?" " 'Course I will!" " Yeah, Del's had lots of experience." "Remember, this is not just a DOG." "This is Marlene's baby." "Sometimes I wish I'd never bought it." "You never told me it was a Great Dane!" " Didn't I?" "It must have slipped my mind." " I thought it was a puppy!" "Gordon Bennett!" "Duke, this is your Uncle Del and Rodney." "(BARKS)" " He's lovely, ain't he?" " He's t'rrific!" "Take him for walkies first thing in the morning, once in the evening, and last thing at night." "When it's his bedtime, you put a blanket over him, and then you talk to him for a while." " Don't want me to bring his wind up, do you?" " He should be all right." "Don't worry, he's house-trained." "Hey, we live in a flat!" "In here's his vitamin pills." "One in the morning, BEFORE breakfast, not after." "Marlene, come along, for Gawd's sake." "We DO have a flight to catch." " Come on." "Kiss him goodbye." " Bye, Del." "See you soon." "For Gawd's sake, the dog, Marlene!" "Bye-bye." "Bubba Lubba Doobie's gonna miss his little Mumsie Wumsie." "Mummy's gonna miss her little Dukey Wukey Wukey." " Makes you want to throw up, don't it?" " I feel a bit Tom Dick, meself." "Come along, Marlene!" "We're gonna miss that plane." "If he bites you, don't scream." "He's highly strung." " Is it all right if we bleed?" " He doesn't sink his teeth in." "He's only playing." "Good boy!" "Bye-bye!" "Bye-bye, Dukey Wukey." "Bye-bye." " Did you switch everything off?" " Yes." " Did you switch the burglar alarm on?" " Yes!" " Did you lock everything up?" " Get in the car!" "(GROWLS)" "Jump in, go on!" " After you, Del." " Hmm?" " Tsk!" "I've got to get the food." " I'll wait." "Here!" "Look at this, Rodney." "Fillet steaks, chicken breasts, veal scollops!" "We're going to eat all right for the next week or so, eh?" " Oi!" "It's supposed to be for the dog." " You must be joking." "That thing's gonna get a bowl of Kennomeat every day and think itself lucky." " What if Marlene finds out?" " And how is she gonna find out?" "I suppose Dukey's going to grass us up, is he?" "Come on, Rodney!" "Here y'are." "Come on, do some work for your living." "(GROWLS)" "That dog don't like me!" "He's all right!" "He can smell fear." "I'm surprised he can smell anything at all with that gallon of Brut you're wearing." "Come ON!" "AHH!" " Right." "Your turn today, Rodney." " It was my turn yesterday!" "(EXHALES LOUDLY)" "Go on, Rodney." "Take him for a run." "Duke?" "Duke?" "Here y'are, then." "Come on!" "Up you get, old boy." "Come on." "Look, huh?" "Look." "Hold on - here y'are." "Ready?" "Hey-ey-up!" "Here y'are." "Hey-ey-up!" "Come on, Duke." "Shake a leg!" "Duke...?" "Hello." "He's nice." "Have you had him long?" "Or has he always been that length?" " I'm a Great Dane man, meself." " Really?" " Won at Cruft's two years on the trot." " Really?" " You may have seen me on the Chum advert." " I can't say that I actually have." "There's nothing I don't know about dogs." "You want any advice, I'm your man." "Sasha is always tearing little holes in my carpet." "What would you recommend?" "A new carpet." "As it 'appens, I know this bloke in Wapping, he fits you up a treat." "He's Iranian, but he has got contacts in Persia." "DEL!" "This is my trainer." "What is it, Rodney?" "I don't wanna worry yer, but I think the dog's dead." " What do you mean?" " Let me rephrase it, shall I?" "I don't want to worry you, but I think the dog is dead." "Now, come on!" "I just can't get staff these days." " What have you done to it, you dipstick?" " I ain't touched it!" "(DEL) A wonderful turn of events, this is!" "Boycie and Marlene ain't even got the tops off their suntan oil and we're burying their dog!" "Look!" "Duke!" "Duke!" "Come on, then." "Come on!" "Cats!" "Cats!" "Meow-meow, cats!" "He's not dead, Rodney." "You can see him breathing, look." "Thank Gawd for that!" "So what's the matter with him?" "I don't know, do I?" "We'd better get him down the vet's." "This is gonna cost an arm and a leg, this is!" " Del?" "Should I get his balls?" " You leave him alone." "I don't want him waking up in a temper." " What?" " I was just thinking, that's all." "All these years, Marlene's tried to have a baby and failed." "When you tell her her Dukey Wukey's about to croak it, she'll have twins." " He's not dead!" " He ain't chasing many cats, though, is he?" " For all you know, this might be normal." " Normal?" "Are you trying to tell me dogs hibernate or something?" "No." "What I mean is..." "I mean..." "I don't know what I mean, do I?" "What I want you to know is I'm not blaming you." "What do you mean, you ain't blaming me?" "I ain't done nothing!" "That's why I'm not blaming ya." "But when you put him in the back of the van, did you catch his head when you slammed the door?" " No, I didn't." " Are you sure?" "If you catch a Great Dane's head in a door, you KNOW you've caught his head in a door." "I suppose you're right." " I'll tell you who's to blame." "Uncle Albert." " Why?" "What did he do?" " He didn't do nothing." "He's just a jinx." " Don't start all that again!" "I've said it before, I'll say it again, that man is a right Jonah." "When he boarded his last ship, the crew shot an albatross for luck!" " Stop going on about bloody Albert!" " It's a bit of a coincidence, innit, Del?" "Yesterday we pick up a perfectly healthy dog." "One night in the flat and - "wallop!" - the curse of the Trotters is upon it." "It's gonna be all right." "I've got this feeling." "Dukey's gonna come round, and he's gonna be full of life, full of vim, full of vigour." "I wish I had your faith." "What's the SP?" "Mr Collins is making a few tests." "He shouldn't be long." " How's Duke?" " He's holding his own." "He's up to his old tricks already!" "You don't understand." "Duke is still unconscious." "Why don't you sit down and relax?" "Duke's in the best possible hands." "OK." "Thanks, darling." " Tell you what I feel bad about." " What's that?" " That leg of pork for Duke." " What about it?" "WE ate it last night, didn't we?" "Poor old Dukey had to make do with a tin of dog food." "Every mouthful made me feel more and more guilty." "You should have let me know - you and him could have swapped." " Anyway, he had some of it." " Warmed-up leftovers for breakfast." "I didn't hear Dukey complaining." "Did you?" "We had his steaks for lunch the other day, didn't we?" "He's probably sick to death of steaks." "Has them every day of his life." "Can you change the subject, please?" "Going on about bloody steaks and legs of pork!" "Can't we talk about something more..." "You know, more...aesthetical?" "YOU want to talk...?" "Yes, sure, you take it away, Derek." "Couldn't half give THAT one, couldn't you, Rodney?" "(RODNEY) Ooh, there's the doc." " Doc, what news?" " It's difficult to say." "His heartbeat's normal." " Is that good?" " Of course!" "The tests have proved negative." "I'm waiting for results of his blood sample." "And have you taken an X-ray?" "Yes." "There's no sign of any damage." "It's a complete mystery." "We'll keep him here as long as necessary." " Where shall I send the bill?" " I've got the details." " How long will it take?" " It shouldn't take long if I send it first-class." "I don't mean THAT." "How long will it take for Dukey's recovery?" "Oh, ha-ha!" "I see." "It will take as long as it takes, Mr Trotter." "All we can do is keep a close eye on him and let nature take its course." "What have you been feeding him on?" " Just tins of dogfoo..." " STEAK." "Best porterhouse steak for lunch." "He has liver for his supper." "He had roast pork for breakfast." "He's had his milk, he's had his vitamins." "You name it, he's had it." " Pork, for breakfast?" " Yes." " Was it freshly-cooked pork?" " Yes, freshly cooked the night before." " Did you reheat it thoroughly?" " We warmed it up a bit." "You "warmed it up a bit"?" "I think we may have solved the mystery!" "Were neither of you aware that white meat, particularly pork, unless thoroughly reheated, is a breeding ground for salmonella poisoning?" "Sam an' Ella poisoning?" "Do you reckon that's what Dukey's got?" "It's a strong possibility, wouldn't you say?" " This leg of pork, have you still got it?" " Not on us." "It's back home in the fridge." " Could you bring it in?" " We'll get it right away..." "The dustmen come round today, Albert might've slung it!" "That dozy old git!" "Can I use your phone?" "If it is this salmonella poisoning, will he survive?" "It depends on the strain." "That's why I need to examine that meat." " How long have you had the dog?" " One day." " One day?" "!" " It ain't our dog." "It's a friend's." "We're just look..." "looking after it." "Albert!" "It's Del Boy." "Now, I wa..." "Ahoy, there!" "Listen, about that piece of pork in the fridge... .."pickles and crusty bread"." "Sounds lovely." "He's eaten it!" "Oh, no!" "I'll telephone the hospital." "Get him there as quickly as you can!" "Certainly." "Albert, listen, Albert..." "Uncle Albert, listen to me very carefully." "I want you to do me a favour." "Put a few things in your duffel bag, put your coat on, stand in the hall and wait for us, because we're gonna pop you to the hospital." "You've gotta have an operation." " He won't have an operation." " A fiver says he does." " Right, you're on." " Right." "Listen, I know you don't WANT to have an operation." "Nobody WANTS an operation, but everyone at some time in their lives has to have one." "And today it's your turn." "Listen, you know that piece of pork you had for dinner?" "I know you're gonna laugh at this, Uncle..." " A pound he don't." " You're on!" "There's a strong possibility that it contained Sam and Ella poisoning." "Stop that!" "STOP IT!" "You're a grown man." "Pull yourself together!" "We're gonna come down and we'll pick you up in a couple of minutes." "Be ready!" " You should have warned me about this!" " I didn't know meself." "You're the one with GCEs, ain't yer?" "I've got a GCE in maths and art." "I ain't got a GCE in pork." "Tell him we'll pop down and see him tomorrow." "Thank you very much, Sister." "And, er, bongiorno." "That's all right." "See what I mean, Rodney?" "A little bit of French always knocks 'em bandy." "Yeah, yeah..." "What about Albert?" "I take it we can't go and see him tonight." "He's none too clever, apparently." "He's had pipes and gadgets and everything stuck in him." "Oh, my Gawd!" "Well, waste not, want not." " Do yer want a grape?" " Cheers." "Bring 'em over there, will yer?" "Oh!" "Hang on." "Did you get in touch with the vets?" "Yeah." "They said Dukey was comatose." "Comatose?" "Funny enough, I thought that when I saw him laid spark out in the back of the van." "You'd be right, Rodney." "'Cause I expect with this comatose, most probably sleep is the best thing for him." "Rest, rest and more rest, eh?" " Did they have to operate on Albert?" " No." " That's a bit of luck." " It is, innit?" " You owe me a fiver." " Do I?" "Remember?" "I said they wouldn't have to operate, and you said they would." "(THEY ARGUE, PHONE RINGS)" "The phone!" "Hello?" "Who is it?" "Boycie!" "It's Boycie!" "Boycie?" "!" "Where is he?" "Has he come back early or something?" "So...where you phoning from, then, Boyce?" "You're still over there?" "Huh?" "Yeah..." "Del." "Del's not in at the moment." "Oh, yeah, he's here." "Yeah." "OK, put her on, then." "Hello, Marlene." "Don't you worry about Duke." "He's as happy as they come." "Yeah." "Er, get down, Duke." "Little rascal, jumping all over me!" "Probably recognises your voice, eh, Marlene?" "Yeah." "Eh?" " She wants Duke to talk to her!" " Talk to her?" "It's a bloody dog, the scatty mare!" "Tell her she can't." "Go on!" "Come on, Dukey." "Talk to Mummy!" "Come on, Dukey." "Talk to Mummy!" "(PANTS)" "(COUGHS)" "He's run off to the kitchen and there's someone at the door." "Gotta go, see ya!" "Oi!" "Don't mess around with them..." "Oi, oi, oi!" "You up to that again, are yer?" " Women in uniforms?" " No, I ain't." "You want to watch it." "You're gonna end up marrying an Akela!" " Doctor!" "We've come to pick up our uncle." " Nurse said he might be able to come home." "Of course." "I'll..." "I'll just have a look at him first." "Last night he underwent thorough examinations." "So the sister said on the phone." "Was anything wrong with him?" "Not that I could tell." "I've just had a call from Mr Collins at the veterinary clinic." " The dog has made a complete recovery." " Duke's back on his feet?" "You did the right thing to bring your uncle in." "Better safe than sorry." "Let's go and see how he is." " Mr Trotter!" " You ain't doing nothing else to me, are you?" " Don't worry." " All right, then?" "No, I'm not!" "I was all right yesterday, though." "I never felt better in all me life." "But you had to drag me in here for bloody Frankenstein to experiment on me!" "They've had me on back, on me belly, upside down, every which way but loose!" "Wires, pipes, tubes, bits of string, injections!" "What do you think they gave me for lunch today?" "Roast bleeding pork!" "Well, you never missed much on telly last night, so..." " What's wrong with me?" " Nothing." "Nothing?" "D'you mean I've had stomach pumps and enemies, glucose strips, students drawing all over me with felt-topped pens, and there's nothing wrong with me?" "Great, innit, eh?" "I noticed you didn't come to see me last night." "I s'pose you were too busy visiting that dog." "Fight for yer country and risk yer life in sea and flame..." "And you get old and everyone forgets you." "Listen here, you silly old s...sausage." "We couldn't visit you last night because you was under observation." " Don't give that to me, son!" " We bought you some grapes." "Yeah?" "Where are they?" "We ate 'em." "I see!" "I lay here last night, tubes sticking out of every place you could stick 'em in, couldn't sleep, pills wouldn't work." "And you two are eating my grapes!" "Come on!" "We did miss you last night." " Did yer?" " Yeah." "We had no one to spit the pips at!" "Let's get him out of here!" "He's giving me the 'ump." " Any problems?" " There's nothing wrong with me." "I feel full of fitness and vitality." "Good!" "Bye for now, Mr Trotter." "See you again." "Not if I see you first, shipmate!" "Hurry up, we're going to get you home." "Moaning, miserable old git!" "He don't stop, does he?" "We got him all that treatment for nothing." "And does he think anything of it?" "Does he hell!" " By the way, Sister gave me these." " Why?" "What's the matter with you?" " No, she found them in your uncle's locker." " I see!" "Patients aren't allowed to bring their own medication in." "Bear that in mind for future." "What's he doing with these?" "These are Dukey's vitamin tablets." "Those are Albert's sleeping pills." "I've got his vitamin tablets here." "Oh, no!" "You've been giving Dukey HIS sleeping pills!" "Oh, no!" "'Cause they was on the sideboard, and I just..." "Albert's been on the Bob Martin's!" "No wonder he's "full of vitality"!" " What shall we do?" " Don't throw him any sticks, that's all." "Shall we tell him?" "No, it's a bit unfair, innit, after what he's been through?" "Let's tell him!" "No, look." "He's miserable enough as it is, isn't he?" "He'll probably think he's gonna turn into a werewolf." "Keep shtoom about the whole thing, and no one'll be any the wiser." "Just want to keep a close eye on him when he goes past lampposts!" "Oi, oi, eh-eh..." "Come on, then, Uncle." "We'll ge-ge-get you home, and then Rodney's gonna take Dukey out for a run." "Actually, you can come as well if you like." " What's the matter with you two?" " Nothing." "No." " Come on!" " Yeah." "Come on, boy!" "# We got some half-price cracked ice And miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains What's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits From a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or broke" "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street" "# Viva Hooky Street" "# Long live Hooky Street" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street... #" "# Stick a pony in me pocket" "# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" "(BOYCIE) We're trying to play cards here!" "(NOISY SINGING AND CHATTER)" "# Funny, but when you're near me" "# I'm in the mood for love #" "He's good, ain't he?" "I like that." "I hope he don't do no more, though." "Trig, you coming to the do, Saturday night?" "I've only got two tickets left." " Put them down to me, mate." " Good boy." "They're 2.50 each." " You can have the pair for a fiver!" " You're a pal." " I'm going for a tenner on that one." " Royal flush!" "Get out of that, my son." "I don't know where you're pulling them from tonight, Del Boy." "I really don't." "(BOYCIE) Oi!" "Now listen, you cretinous little erks!" "There is a three-yard exclusion zone around this table." "And if another of your missiles should fall within it," "I will personally shove it - point, shaft, feathers and all - right up your gearbox." " Do I make myself clear?" " All right, Boyce, we get your drift." "Just be aware, then, eh?" "Just BE A-WARE." "Bloody peasants!" " I like that about you." "You're a good loser!" " I've had plenty of practice with you, haven't I?" "Mike says no gambling." "He's frightened of losing his licence." "Michael knows what he can do with his licence!" "I'm trying to win my money back here." "There's plenty of time, Boycie." "I'll go and get some drinks." "What do you want?" "Scotch?" " All right, Tommy?" " Hello, Del." "Tell the enemy that I haven't forgot about her sandwich toaster." "I'll pop it round in the morning." "Michael, three Scotches, if you don't mind." "Del, I've told you before." "Do NOT gamble in the pub." "I'll lose my licence." "It's only a friendly game." "Friendly?" "!" "I've seen at least fifty quid change hands in here tonight." "That's what I mean." "It's a friendly game." "Here y'are." "Stick the rest in the bottle." "I'minthemoodforlove..." "Del!" "Do you want tickets for the do?" "I've only got two left." " Go on, I'll have 'em." " Maureen, give 'em to Del, will you?" "And get the money." " That's a fiver." " Get the money yourself." "It's in me pocket." " There's no money in there." " I know." "It's in me jacket pocket." " Go on, help yourself." " Swine!" "You really are." " Take a pound for yourself." " I will, thanks very much." "And thank you VERY much!" "Maureen!" "Vodka and lemonade, please." "Micky!" "All right?" "We're going down the Pizza Palace later on, then?" "WE'RE goin' down there." "We're with the birds, see." "Right..." "I didn't fancy a pizza, to be honest." "I got to be up early - market and all that." "Rodney, do you want tickets for the do, Saturday night?" "I've only got two left." " He won't want two, will he, Mike?" " Why won't I want two?" " You won't be bringing a bird, will yer?" " Why shouldn't I?" "No reason, Rodney, but why break the habits of a lifetime, eh?" " I'll have the two, Mike." "How much?" " Good boy!" "That's a fiver." "Who you bringing, then?" "Your Uncle Albert?" " I'm bringing a girl." " Give over, Rodney!" " I'm bringing a girl!" " What's her name?" " Eh?" " What's her name?" "It's none of your business." "You'll have to find out on Saturday night, won't yer?" "Who is it?" "'Ere, it's not that sort from the fishmonger's, is it?" "No, it ain't that sort from the fishmonger's, actually." " This one 'appens to be in show business." " Show business?" "You're a liar!" "I'm telling you the truth." "You want to see her." "She's a right brahma!" "I've got ten says you won't bring a bird on Saturday night." " Make it twenty!" " All right, twenty." "What's all the noise?" "Can't hear ourselves think here." "He's betting I ain't got a bird to bring to the do." "You haven't, have yer?" " Really?" " Yes." "Go on, then, Rodney." "Go on!" "Take him, the mouthy git!" "I tell you what, make it thirty." " Make it forty if you like." " Go on!" "Go on, Rodney, my son!" "Go on!" "I know!" "Let's make it a nice ROUND fifty, eh?" "You're on!" "I'll see yer Saturday." "And you'd better bring your money with yer." "Got more front than Buckingham Palace, ain't he?" "Come Saturday night, you'll be the one that's laughing." " Yeah." " Come and sit over here and hold your noise." "You can sit here." "I'm going." " Are we playing cards, or what?" " Come on." " About bloody time!" " It'll be down to you, Boycie." "Keep your money to yourself because of old Hawkeye!" " I will go a pound." " I'll have some of that." "Two pounds." "Four!" " Eight." " Sixteen!" " Thirty-two." " Sixty-four!" "It's gonna cost you 128 to see me, Del Boy!" "Just a minute!" "This is supposed to be a friendly game." "It's like the start of World War Three." "What can we do?" "It's just the way the bids have gone." "I tell you what we can do." "We can both take our bets back and start all over again." "Try to play more sensibly." " All right?" " All right, Del Boy." "Anything you say." " Right." "A pound." " I'll see you!" " I got three tens!" " That beats me out of sight, Boycie." "Well played." "Good night." "Come on, Rodney." "Let's go." "Then I said, "I'll see you"." "You should have seen his face!" "He didn't know whether to laugh or cry." " It was a picture, wasn't it, Rodders?" " Eh?" " Boycie's face when I tucked him up at cards." " Yeah, it was t'rrific." " What's the matter with you, Rodney?" " Nothing." "Come on, Rodders, cheer up!" "Payday tomorrow, and then it's Saturday when you take mouthy Micky to the cleaners." " That's what's bothering me, Del." " You ain't starting to feel sympathy for him?" "He's got far too much rabbit." "It's about time he was put in his place once and for all." "Del, I ain't got a girl for Saturday night." "I ain't got a girl for any night." "You ain't got..." "Why did you keep upping the ante?" "You told me to!" "You were stood behind me going, "Go on, Rodney." "Go on, my son"." "That is because you said you had a girl and I believed you." " I weren't telling the complete truth." " Not telling the complete truth?" "You were lying through your back teeth, you berk!" "He stands to lose a fifty on this!" " Why do you have to tell lies, Rodney?" " Yes." "Tsk-tsk-tsk!" "It was pride talking." "There was Micky Pearce and the others, and they was laughing at me." "So I pretended, I lied." "Anyway, what's to say I won't meet a girl by Saturday night?" "That's the spirit, Rodney." "There's loads of girls on this estate." " One of them must be willing to go out with yer." " I've been out with most of them in the past." " Didn't they like ya?" " They haven't started a fan club yet, have they?" " No, Del, they haven't." " I got it." "I've got it!" "What about that tubby girl who lives down by the community hall?" "She'll go out with you." "'Cause she ain't got a full deck!" "I will sort this one out on my own, thank you, Derek." " What about the girl from the fishmonger's?" " No, thank you, Albert!" "Got it." "Cracked it." "Cracked it!" "Remember a couple of months ago when I took you out on that blind date?" "Remember it?" "I'm still having therapy for it." "You are not honestly suggesting I spend another evening with big Brenda?" "Just 'cause she's taller than you!" "Anyway, I heard she was a very sporting girl." "But when you told me she was a sporting girl," "I didn't realise you meant she was a shot put champion!" "You seemed to get on with her very well." "You was laughing and dancing." "I was scared of her!" "If you think I'm walking into the Nag's Head on Saturday night with Miss Anabolic Steroid on me arm, you've got another think coming!" "I could not stand another night of, "So I said to Zola and Zola said to me"." "Oh, well." "You'll have to sort it out yourself, Rodney." "I've done me best, ain't I?" "You want to be careful." "Look at that little thing you took to the pictures." "Lucky not to get your collar felt!" "That's not fair!" "She swore blind to me she was eighteen." "That's right." "How did Rodney know she was only nine?" " She was sixteen that month!" " Sorry." "I didn't suspect nothing until she paid her fare with a school bus pass." "She did all the chatting up." "She invited ME to the pictures." "She had to, didn't she?" "They wouldn't let her in without an adult." "Get off my back, you two." "I'm going to bed." "Rodney, listen!" "Are you sure you don't want me to phone up that big Brenda?" "..off!" "Oi!" "Watch your language." "These walls are paper-thin." "I don't know, Uncle." "Don't know what the younger generation's coming to." "Can't even swear without effing and blinding." "Here y'are." "Yeah." "All right, then, darlin'." "It's been lovely hearing your voice after all these years." "See you around, then." "Bonjour." " Oh, well, that's it." "That was the last one." " Last what?" "Been phoning old girlfriends, trying to pull something out of the hat for Rodney." "No luck." "Phoning round some of your old birds don't half make you feel your age." " Any phone calls for me today?" " That young Micky Pearce called." "Said he had the number of a lonely hearts club for Rodney." "He's a lairy little sod." "I'd like to tuck him up, I really would." "Oh, well, carry on." " All right, Rodney?" " Yeah." "Bloody 'ell!" "That reminds me." "I'm playing dominoes down the Legion tonight." " What have you done to yourself?" " What you see before you is the new me." "The old Rodney Trotter is dead." "Long live the king." "You look like a liquorice all-sorts." " You haven't got to wear it, have you?" " Too true, I ain't." "I've got a couple of hours left to win that bet." "I'm gonna see if I can bump into a right brahma." "Make sure you don't bump into her on a zebra crossing!" "It looks a bit like "Now you see me, now you don't"." "Use your loaf!" "You're never going to pull a tart dressed up like Bertie Bassett." " You ain't getting to me, so save your breath." " All right!" "You know what would look good on you, Rodney?" "A big white Stetson." "Do you know what'd look good on you?" "A Doberman pinscher." "All right." "Come on, you two." "Pack it in." " Do you want me to come with you?" " You can if you like." " I'll come with you." " What you gonna wear?" "Sunglasses!" " I'll go on my own." " Calm down, calm down." "Have a cup of tea." " And will YOU stop winding him up?" " I ain't said a word." "Just make sure you don't, then." "I don't know what it is, but I keep getting this yearning to put me Bobby Crush LP on." " Rodney, where DID you get that?" " I bought it off Paddy the Greek." "Paddy the GREEK!" "That's the rubbish I sold him last Monday." "When I offered it to you then, you weren't interested." " I know, but he was cheaper than you." " I've got to cover me overheads, ain't I?" "There's got to be easier ways to win a bet than this!" "There's something I don't understand." "All these girls on the estate that you take out." " What about them?" " How come they don't want to see you again?" " That is a bit of a mystery, innit?" " All right." "Seeing as how it's national let's-take-the-piss-out-of-Rodney week," "I will tell you." "I frighten them off." "All right?" " Frighten them off?" " He's got this thing about uniforms." "It's got nothing to do with uniforms!" "I got over that phase months ago." "All right." "Look, to morons like Micky Pearce and... ..some of the others, a woman is not a person to TALK to, someone to RELATE to." "Oh, no - a woman is just a trinket to bolster their masculinity, something to hang on their arm to prove their macho image." "Well, I'm different." "No, no, there's nothing like that about him." "Either I like a girl, or I don't." "If I don't like her, I don't see her no more." "Right?" "But if I do like her, I..." "I tend to get a bit serious." "And I think that's what's frightening them off." "They're young, you know." "They want to see a bit of life." "Perhaps they don't want a wally like me drooling around them." "I just fall in love too easy, that's my trouble." "That's a family trait, Del." "Us Trotters wear our hearts on our sleeves." "Leave it out!" "He wears his heart in his Wranglers." " There you go again, see!" " You don't know what love is." " You haven't had enough experience to know." " I bet you have, though." "I certainly have, bruv." "Covered in emotional scars, me." " I was in love once..." " Yeah, t'rrific!" "You see, Rodders," "I used to have this vision of love." "I used to imagine that me..." "me and my sweetheart were running in slow motion through a field of buttercups." "We're both, you know, like that - dressed in white - and I've done a bit of weight!" "And...suddenly, there, in the background, you can hear Semprini's Orchestra playing the theme tune from Doctor Zhivago." "(HUMS)" " Where's he going?" " Probably to be sick." "Shut up and listen, will yer?" "Then again, another time I imagine us atop of an alpine peak," "looking out across the mountains and the forests." "It's just like - as if we're the last two people left alive in the world." "Suddenly, behind us you hear the sound of a lone violin." " Semprini on a sking holiday, is it?" " Will you shut up and listen?" "Come on, Del!" "That ain't a vision of love, it's a yoghurt commercial." "Thank you very much!" "I'm trying to give you the benefit of my experience, and you throw it back in my face." "Well, thank..." " What's this?" " That's Helga." "Helga who?" "I was in love with her." "I don't think I ever really stopped loving her." "It's getting on, innit, if we're going down the club..." "It was in 1946." "We sailed into Hamburg to pick up some prisoners of war." "Helga was working in a bar near the docks." "She was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen." "I fell in love with her the moment I saw her." "Little finger on her right hand was missing." "Bless her!" "Caught her hand in the till, did she?" "She lost it when her home was bombed." " Her entire family was wiped out." " Sorry." "I asked her to marry me." "She said, "No"." "Just like that, "No"." "I mistook her gestures of friendship as tokens of love." "I suppose it was all for the best." "The authorities didn't like us fraternising with the Germans." "And I was still married to yer Aunt Ada." "And she'd have kicked up a stink." "It's funny, you know, but even after all this time, if ever I'm watching a German war film and I hear the word "Nein"," "I always think of Helga." "What?" "'Cause that's how many fingers she had?" "It's the German word for "no"." " I'll put this back in my box." " Yeah, that's it." "You put it somewhere safe." "I think in her own way she loved me." "She never used to charge me as much as the other lads." "He tells a good story, don't he?" "It gets you right here, don't it?" "Like bile." " Come on, shake a leg!" " I don't think I'll bother." "Come on!" "You've got to make an effort." " I'm never going to pull a bird." " Yes, you are!" "Remember, he who dares wins." "That don't work for me." "I'll just pay Micky the money." "No, you don't." "Listen, I'll buy the bet off yer." " What?" " I'll buy the bet off yer." "If we win, I collect the fifty." "If we lose, I pay out." " How's that grab yer?" " All right, then!" "Good boy!" "You know it makes sense." "We're going to give those dance halls a hammering tonight!" "# Come on, let's twist again, like we did... #" "Del, this time, let's not just go crashing in there, kick 'em in the ankles and "Wanna dance, darling?"" "Let's have a bit of decorum this time, a bit of sophistication." "Sophistication is my middle name!" " I know, I just forgot." " That's all right, then." "Don't you worry." "I'm going to have a wash, clean pants, splash of Brut, be with you in a minute." "T'riffic..." "Stone me!" "A right blinding night this has turned out to be, innit, hey?" "We've been everywhere." "Empire Leicester Square, Hammersmith Palais, you name it, we've danced there!" "The only thing I've pulled is a ligament, trying to do break-dancing!" "Surely to goodness, Rodney, one of them girls would have done yer!" "No, they wouldn't." "This one's got to be a bit special." "I told Micky she was in show business, made her out to be a bit of a film star." "You didn't tell me that when I took that bet off you!" " No." " No, you saucy little git!" "Honestly!" "Come on, put your tuckus down there, for heaven's sake!" "Take the weight off it!" "How are we going to find a Bo Derek lookalike in Peckham?" "If it had been Bo Diddley, we'd have been laughing!" "We ain't gonna find her here, are we?" "Why did you bring us here?" "Looks like a trouble place." " It's not a trouble place." " There's dried blood on the door handle!" "It's the cleaner's night off." "Don't worry." "'Ere, look at that!" "Down there, those two there." "Do I look like Saint George?" "Del, look at that one!" "She's older than the Mary Rose." "She's all right." "I thought you said this girlfriend of yours was a film star." "Bette Davis is a film star." "So was Rin Tin Tin, but I ain't taking a bloody Alsatian to the do." "It hasn't bothered you other years!" " Gawd, look at the state of her!" " What?" " You can see her wrinkles from here!" " All right, all right." "Got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp, ain't she?" "All right, go on, you can have the best one!" "That IS the best one!" "I don't know what I'm gonna do." "I bloody well give up with you." "What yer drinking?" " Lager." " That's all you're going to get!" "Oi, Orlando!" " Hey, Vonny." "Vonny!" "How are you?" " Hello, presh, how are yer?" "I'm all right." "Doing a bit here, a bit there." "You know me." " What you doin' these days?" "Still stripping?" " I'm not a stripper, I'm an exotic dancer." " Sorry." "Still take your clothes off, though." " It's part of the act." "I heard you got into a bit of trouble the other week." "Did you hear about that?" "Bloody drug-crazed tourist, he jumped up on the stage after me!" " He tried to strangle me!" " So I heard." "How IS the snake now?" " He got over it." " Oh, good." " I got the sack from most of me clubs now." " Yeah?" "ORLANDO!" "Why's that, then?" "I've been hitting the bottle a bit too much." "Doctor says I've got a drink problem." "I says to him, "I ain't got no problem." "I like it!"" "'Course, my real problem is frustration." "Perhaps I could help you out there." " I shouldn't be a stripper." " I think it suits you." "Deep down inside, I'm a singer." " But no one will take me seriously." " No, I know." "It gives you the hump." " 'Ere, just a minute!" "You know the Nag's Head?" " Yeah." "There's a do there tomorrow." "Fancy going?" " Will they let me sing?" " They'll insist!" " All right, then." "Gonna pick me up?" " You see, you won't be going with ME." " Who am I going with, then?" " With my dopey little brother, over there." " Where?" " He's over there, at that table!" "There's no one there, just some geezer dressed up like a negative." "That's him." " Oh, Del!" " I stand to win a bet." " Oh, Gawd!" " Vonny!" "I'm on for a fifty here." "I'll tell you what, there's a score in it for yourself." "Ta, Del." "Go on, then." "You've got to go over there, chat him up, make it look real." "Go ON!" "That's it." "Use your charm, girl." "Go on!" " Hi." " Wotcher!" "Is this anyone's seat?" "Er...no, no." " My name's Yvonne." " I'm Rodn..." "Rod!" "I ain't seen you here before." "No, that's probably summat to do with the fact that I've never actually been here before." "So, do you work here?" "Oh, no." "I'm a..." "I'm in show business." "REALLY?" "You ain't done any films, have yer?" "There was a couple when I was younger, but I'd rather not talk about it." "I called in here tonight on the off chance." "I was hoping I might bump into some friends." "I heard someone was throwing a party tomorrow night." "But now it looks as though I'll have to spend the evening in, on my own." "Yes, I've got absolutely nothing to do tomorrow night." "Listen, I've got a couple of tickets for a do." "It's only a pub." " I'd love to go with you, thank you." " It starts about 8.30." " I'll see you there." " I'd better write the address down." "It's all right." "I know where the Nag's Head is." "Must rush." "There you go." " Don't tell me you've pulled." " I have." " You haven't." " I have!" "(DOORBELL)" "Rodney, listen!" "Let me explain." "Before I do something that you'll regret, I'll explain to you." "(FAINT SHOUTING)" " Hey?" "It's you." "Come on in." "Where's Rodney?" " He's coming up the stairs." " He's after your blood, Del." " It wasn't my fault." "Well, not entirely." "I only did it so that he could win the bet." "I'm sure in the cold light of day, Rodney will realise that Vonny's behaviour wasn't that bad." "It was bad, Del." "It was very bad." "At one point, Rodney started crying." "(DOOR SLAMS)" "I am going to kill you!" "Rodney, careful." "Listen, don't be a plonker all your life!" " You set her up to going out with me." " I did NOT set her up." "I paid her." "You paid her?" "That's WORSE!" "Listen, I only did it for you to win the bet and to save your pride." "My pride?" "!" "Tonight in front of half of Peckham, the bird I told everyone was my girlfriend stood on a counter and took all her clothes off!" "I don't think anyone noticed, Rodney." "You certainly noticed, Uncle, because you stood on a chair to notice!" " And at one point he almost knocked you off." " That's right..." "No, listen." "So she had one too many gins." "I didn't know she had a drink problem." "I found out a couple of new things about her as well." "I didn't know she could juggle light ale bottles." "I didn't know she couldn't sing." " And where did that snake come from?" " Dunno." "Nobody knows where it went, either." "Well, that's it, isn't it?" "I will never ever live this evening down." "This is the sort of stuff that legends are made of." "I was telling everyone how me and Yvonne was thinking of getting engaged, and I turn round, and there she is, stark...with nothing on." "I had her singing in one ear, and hissing Sid in the other!" " Yeah, but you won your bet, didn't yer?" " I won the bet, all right." " Ah!" "Good boy." "Did Micky Pearce pay up?" " He paid up." "He was laughing, but he paid up." "Come on, let's have the fifty." " What's this?" "Fifty PENCE?" " Yeah." "Oh, I bet I know what you thought." "You and that Micky Pearce!" "You're like a couple of bleeding kids." "I can't wait to tell the boys down the market." "Rodder's girl did a strip and Del Boy won a fifty-pence bit." "(BRAYING LAUGH)" "Uncle, stand very still!" "There is a snake in the hood of your duffel coat." "OH!" "God, there is!" "Look at it." "It's a big 'un!" "Quick!" "Let's phone the vets, quickly." "(HISS)" "# We've got some half-price cracked ice And miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains What's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits From a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or broke" "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street" "# Viva Hooky Street!" "# Long live Hooky Street!" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street!" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street... #" "# Stick a pony in me pocket" "# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" "(SITAR MUSIC)" " Well?" " One thousand nine hundred and ninety-two." " That's what it came to last time." " I know." "That's what it'll come to this time and the time after that." "Two grand - where are we going to get two grand from?" "Try it again, Rodney, and this time see if you can get it lower." "How can I get it lower?" "Twelve times one hundred and sixty-six equals one thousand nine hundred and ninety-two." "Use this calculator." "It's still going to work out the same." "I could do it on this calculator, or that." "I could do it on me fingers and toes." "I could do it on beads." "It's still going to come to 1,992, innit?" " A right bloody help you are!" " What can I do?" " Keep the noise down, I can hardly hear this." " Shut up, you saucy old git!" "If you could hear it, you couldn't understand it." "It's in Indian." "In 1959, I was in Bombay." "You carry on much longer, by tomorrow afternoon you could be in traction!" "I like this kind of music." "Look at that." "It's one of his favourites, that is." "That's that good old-fashioned singalong number, "Knees up, Mother Patel"." "We're trying to devise a scheme that is going to make us into millionaires, and all you can do is sit and watch bleeding Indian banjos!" "Why don't you just stick a George Harrison LP on your Walkman?" "You two are going to be millionaires, and the Titanic was unsinkable." "There's a fortune to be made out of this deal." "Yeah?" "What IS this deal, then?" "Lowvrey doors!" " So?" "What about 'em?" " I'll tell you what about 'em." "There's a painter and decorator down the Nag's Head, his name is Brendan O'Shaughnessy." " He's Irish." " That is correct, Rodney." "This Brendan O'Shaughnessy has just got a contract to decorate and fit out a new estate." "And what has the architect deemed shall be fitted to all wardrobes?" "None other than lowvrey doors." "One hundred and sixty-six, to be precise." " You've got one, that's a start!" " He can be a sarky old bark!" "(RODNEY) That's just a sample." "Del's mate, Teddy Cummings, he manages a joinery works." "He can get us hundreds, dirt cheap." " And there's 200% profit on each one." " It's like printing money." "The cherry on the cake is that this building firm is putting up houses all over the shop, so it's a long-term ongoing situation." " So, where's the problem?" " Teddy Cummings'll only sell them in bulk." "If we don't get two grand by tomorrow afternoon, the deal's off." " Can't you borrow the money?" " We've tried." "We've been everywhere." "The bank that likes to say yes said, "On your bike"!" "The sign of the black horse gave us a load of old pony." "Even the listening bank cocked a deaf 'un." "Del, you'll probably think this is stupid." "It's a long shot." "I tell you, it's a REAL long shot." "I LIKE long shots." "You know me, Rodney." "He who dares wins." "What is it?" "All right..." " I was reading this colour supplement yesterday." " Yeah." " There was an article that caught my interest." " Yeah, yeah." "It was about a butterfly." " Butterfly?" " Yeah." " Not an ordinary butterfly, though." " Ahh!" "Nah." "This one's a bit of a rarity." "It's virtually unheard-of in this country." "Oh, well." "That's interesting, innit?" "I think it's name was the Jamaican Swallowtail." " Don't mean a lot to me, Rodney." " No?" "Here it is." "It's scientifical name is Papillio humerus." " Now, that does ring a bell (!" ")" " Yes?" "I don't believe this!" "I'm on the verge of losing the biggest deal of my life, and this plonker wants to give me a lecture about poxy butterflies!" "You don't understand." "It's an endangered species." "YOU'LL be an endangered species if you carry on much longer, Rodney!" "Some of these things have been seen in southern England." "One was spotted in Greenwich Park." "You want to whip him down the quack's a bit lively." "He's flipped his lid!" "Listen, mouthy." "There's this private entemol...enterm..." "There's this private butterfly collector, right." "He is willing to pay £3,000 reward for one of these butterflies." " £3,000 (!" ")" " And Greenwich Park is only up the road, innit?" "Do you mean you want us to go around chasing butterflies?" "Yeah." " I think you're right." " Yeah?" "Yeah." "It IS stupid!" "I said it was a long shot, didn't I?" "Gordon Bennett!" "I can see us three running up and down Peckham High Road." "We'll be trying to catch Mars Bar wrappers." "Hey, come on." "Look at the time!" "Get this stuff out of here." "We've got to see if we can do a bit." "(DEL) Ask yourself this:" "how much do you spend on hairdressing?" "It's got to be six or seven quid." "You work that out over a year and it comes to a national debt." "But, for just £1.50, you could invest in one of these super-deluxe trimming combs." "You can save yourself a fortune in the comfort of your own front room." "Come closer, 'cause at these prices, I can't afford to deliver!" " Is that sharp enough, mate?" " Is it sharp?" "Is that sharp enough for you?" "£1.50 and you can save yourself thousands." "This is a better bet than Piggott on a favourite." "Listen!" "These come recommended by the world's leading hair stylists " "Vidal Sasoon, Teezy Weezy, Mick the Barber, Mick the Miller," "Micky Mouse, Sweeney Todd." "(DEL) Why do I bother?" "It's been one of them days, innit?" "Never mind, Rodney." "Pack up the suitcase." "We'll go down the Nag's Head." "£2,000 by tomorrow!" "Got as much chance of winning Miss World." "(REGGAE MUSIC)" "Oi." "Denzil!" " Hey, Del Boy!" " Hey!" "Rodney!" " So, how's your luck?" " Don't ask." "If they made it into a film," " it'd be a bigger tear-jerker than "Love Story"." " Bad as that?" "I'd go into the details, only I don't want to see grown men cry." "You want to hear a sob story, I will tell you a sob story." "I have just found out that my wife has been lying to me." " No?" " Every morning she says she's going to leave, and when I come home at night, she's still there." "Look at him - soppy!" "I can't stop." "I've got to get down to the Job Centre." "Down the Job Centre?" "Got yourself into a growth industry at last." "The wages are lousy, but the hours suit me fine." " See you, Denzil." " See you around." "See you, Denzil." "Give my love to Corinne!" "(QUIETLY) Miserable old cow!" "Oh, well." "Come on, let's go." "Oi!" "I heard it took three coppers to arrest Denzil the other night." "That's right." "One to put the handcuffs on and two to carry the radio." " You've heard it." " We've ALL heard it, haven't we?" "Come on, let's go." " Hold up!" "What did Denzil get the sack for?" " He didn't." "He was made redundant." "Hold on!" "If he was made redundant," " that means he's got redundancy money!" " I suppose so." "DENZIL!" "DENZIL!" "YOU'RE NOT HAVING ANY!" "I'M YOUR FRIEND!" "DENZIL!" "(REGGAE MUSIC CONTINUES)" "Denzil!" "You're still not having any!" "Oi, Denzil!" "I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU RICH, DENZIL!" "Put me down, you... (DEL) Police!" "Please don't make me rich!" "Denzil!" "Don't be a plonker all your life!" "(SNORING, DOOR SLAMS)" "# I am going to live forev...yoo hoo... #" " Had a good day?" " I'm busy doing the housework." "I made all the beds except yours and Rodney's." "Sit yourself down." "You don't want to knock your old pipe out." "That's my trouble." "I never know when to stop." "This is true." "This is VERY true!" "You're in a better mood than this morning." "I've got every reason to be." "I've clinched the lowvrey door deal!" " You never!" " I've picked them up and paid for them." "Rodney is stacking them in the garage." "I've got to phone Brendan, and he'll pick 'em up." "Then we shall be RICH!" " Where did you get the money?" " Remember my pal, Denzil?" "Called in last week." "Yeah." "He was black?" "Yeah." "Well, he still is." "Anyway, did you hear that he had £2,000 in redundancy money?" " Well, he ain't now." " Come off it, Del." " You didn't take the fella's redundancy money?" " Yeah!" "I mean, he insisted." "I have never seen anything like it." "He did Denzil up like a kipper." "Tell him when he comes in that I've got all the lowvrey doors, and they're in a garage, and he can pick them up any time." "He chased him, he did." "A mile and an 'alf through Deptford." "Denzil was 300 yards from his front door, and he put in a kick." "Seb Coe ain't even in the picture when he's got a smell of money in his nostrils!" "OK, then, Bryony." "Don't you forget to tell him, will yer?" "He forced lager down his throat and frogmarched him to the bank." "D'you know, Denzil was crying when he handed that money over?" "Listen to me, dopey." "Denzil gives me £2,000 today." "I give him £3,000 tomorrow." "That means he gets £1,000 profit in 24 hours." "He ain't gonna get that at the Bradford  Bingley." "Denzil knows it makes sense." "What about his missus?" "She's a bit of a dragon." "Let's just say I wouldn't like to be in Denzil's shoes when Corinne finds out." "She'll be as sweet as a nut." "Denzil bought her a little present." "Oh, yeah." "A do-it-yourself haircutting kit." "She's going to treasure that." "Listen, gentlemen." "This evening I am taking you down the Nag's Head public house, where we're gonna hold one of them things that Rodney couldn't organise in a brewery." "After that we're going to the Star of Bengal for a Ruby." "Get that down your neck, Rodney." "(DEL) Cheers!" "My hair's falling out!" " What?" " My hair's falling out in great chunks." "I'm goin' bald!" "Derek, I am 24 years old and I am going bald!" " That's supposed to be a sign of something." " Yeah." "It's a sign that I'm going bald." "Listen, you tart!" "Come here, let me have a look." "Come on, let me see." " What do you reckon?" " Let me put it this way..." "If your head was a tyre, you'd fail the MOT." "Bloody hell, I'm going bald!" "It might not be that, Rodney." "You might have a touch of alopecia." "I never thought of that, Unc." "And here's me fretting, hey!" " My head's gonna look like a bloody egg!" " Get yourself a wig, son." "I'm gonna look really cool, trying to pull a bird with a Davy Crockett hat on me head!" "(PHONE)" "I'll answer that." "It could be the phone." "Hello?" "Brendan!" "How are you, pal?" "So, you got the message, then?" "What do you mean, you've been trying to phone me all day?" "What's wrong?" "Why don't you talk to him?" "Go and persuade him?" " What's up?" " The architect has changed his mind." "He wants Victorian panel doors now!" "Listen, Brendan." "Go and, you know, give him a few quid." "You know, bung him." "Well, beat him up, then!" "I'll come down and beat him up for you if you like." "Brendan, look, I've got 166 lowvrey doors in my garage." "All my capital is tied up in them." "I know we didn't sign a contract, but what am I supposed to do with them?" "AND YOURS!" "I'll get you for this, you just see if I don't!" "I'll get him!" "I'll GET him." "There they go!" "I knew everything was going too smoothly." "All that money!" "Can't you take 'em back to the warehouse and swap 'em?" " Take them back to the warehouse (!" ")" " Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha!" "Yeah, why don't we just take 'em back and swap 'em?" "We can't take 'em back." "We were lucky to get 'em out without being caught!" "They were hooky?" "Oh, great, Derek." "Cos-mic!" "They were hooky lowvrey doors, were they?" "You didn't mention that small fact to me!" "Weren't you a teeny bit suspicious the way we collected them?" "Instead of driving in and loading up, Tommy Cummings was chucking 'em out of the window." "Del?" "You know that Denzil fella?" "Has he got any brothers?" " Yeah, five, why?" " Five West Indian blokes just got out of a Rover." "It's them!" "That is them." "It's Denzil's bothers!" "Look at the size of 'em!" " What you gonna do, Del?" " We'll just stay here." "And if they want to cut up rough, we'll exchange punches, like man to man." "You're not including me in that, are yer?" " Look at the size of 'em!" " They'll look even bigger when they get up here." "Don't worry, I'm going to explain." "What we're gonna do..." "What we..." "I'll tell you, we're gonna RUN FOR IT!" "Let's get out of here!" "Quick!" " What's he brought us here for?" " Gawd knows!" " These places make me feel queasy." " What's up with you two?" " It's just Albert." "He don't feel too well." " How bad is he?" " Is it worth our while taking him home?" " I ain't that bad." " Just sit back and enjoy yourself, then." " Enjoy ourselves?" "Del, we are £2,000 in debt, we have a garage load of hooky doors and a mob of irate Rastafarians after our blood." "So why are we hanging around Mum's monument?" "Because I always come here in times of trouble." "I just come here and tell Mum my problems." "Somehow, she always seems to provide an answer." "She's never let me down yet." "You take that time when you was done for possession of cannabis." "I came here and I told Mum that her little baby was in trouble with the law." "It was almost as if I could hear her voice saying to me," ""Bribe the Old Bill, Del"." "And what 'appened?" "When the case came to court, the police could provide no evidence." "You told me you got a £250 fine and a suspended sentence." "Yeah." "Three days before the trial, this plonker pleaded guilty by post!" "She wasn't to know that, was she?" "Don't worry." "She'll come up with a solution to our financial plight." "Sit yourself down." "Just relax, Rodders." "Just look around, Rodney." "Just think, one day ALL us Trotters will be here." "I dunno about you!" "It's all right, Del." "I'm with the Co-op." "Back in the sixties, I bought us all a plot." "I thought land was going to be a good investment." " Can't go wrong, Del, can you?" " No." "I'll be over there, next to Mum." "And Grandad, well, he's already over in the Gardens of External Peace." " Where will I be?" " Hmm?" "Oh, yeah." "You are..." "Look." "You see right over there?" " Right over the back, there." " Yeah." " Can you see the big pile of stinging nettles?" " Yeah." "There!" "Under the stinging nettles?" "I ain't going to be buried under a pile of nettles!" "It ain't going to bother you, 'cause you're going to be brown bread!" "What happens when his family come to pay their respects?" "He won't have no family, because I'll be over there, and you'll be picking up your divvies!" "He could be married by then." "How's his widow going to tend his grave when it's covered in nettles?" "She'll have to buy a decent pair of gardening gloves, won't she?" "I've got a beautiful pair of gardening gloves in the garage." "They retail at 4.75 normally." "You can have 'em for a nicker." "I don't want any gardening gloves!" "That's charming, that is." "Never a thought for the poor old missus." "There she'll be - swelling and blotches all over her hands, the poor little mare!" "I don't believe this conversation!" "In 35 seconds, you two have married me, buried me and given my widow skin trouble!" " You've got to look to the future, Rodney." " Not if I can help it, Uncle." "I like looking to the future." "I find it very reassuring to know that whatever happens down here, in this mortal curl, one day we'll all be together up there in heaven, forever and ever, amen." " Do you believe in heaven and what have yer?" " It's true!" "I read it in a book." " Del?" " Yeah." "Just think, Rodney, when you come through them pearly gates - all clouds and things - the first face that you will see will be mine." "Yeah." "That's cosmic!" "Del!" " Your mum'll be there, as well." " Oh, yeah." "Mum'll be there." "She'll be wanting to see Rodney, her little wonder-baby." "She always used to call him that, 'cause she wondered how the HELL he happened!" "Derek!" "I suppose your dad might be up there." "I DO hope so, Uncle." "I can't wait to get my hands on that old git!" "I'll give him such a whack with my harp, he won't know if it's Good Friday or Bonfire Night!" "Del, will you stop rabbiting for one minute and come over 'ere?" "Gordon Bennett!" " What's the matter with you?" " Look over there." " Where?" " Just by them flowers." "(ALBERT) It's like that butterfly thing from Rodney's magazine." "That's because it IS that butterfly thing from my magazine." "Leave it out, you wally." "That thing over there is worth £3,000?" "Never!" "Hmm?" "What?" "It is!" "It is that, an' all!" "If we could capture that, all our problems'd be over." "Didn't I tell you two that Mum'd come up trumps?" " Let's get it!" " Be careful." "Take your time." "We got to do this the way the professionals'd do it." "What d'yer mean?" "We've got to jump over things and skid around in the van?" "I don't mean Bodie and bleeding Doyle, you stupid old git!" "I mean, professional butterfly catchers." "Albert?" "Give us yer hat!" "(CRUNCHING)" " Derek!" " What?" " Have some respect!" " Hmm?" "Sorry." "It's gone!" "Quick, Rodney." "Get after it, go on!" "Quick!" "(DEL) Where'd it go?" "There!" "No, there!" "(DEL) Where is it?" "No, here, there!" "(DEL CONTINUES SHOUTING)" "Careful, Del!" "Take it nice and easy!" "Yes." "Thank you, Rodney." "'Cause you could slip and kill yourself, as easy as anything!" "I know!" "I KNOW!" "NOW!" "Arghhh...!" "Come on, Del!" "He's getting away." "The things I do for money." " Where is it?" " He's out there, on that lily pad." "Ohh!" "We can't leave him out there, can we?" "What do you want to do, then?" "Phone the coastguard?" "A bloody great pike can come up and have him for his supper." "One of us is going to have to go and get him." " Go on, Rodney." "I'll hold your shoes." " Hey?" "I ain't goin' in there!" "This is no time for second thoughts!" "That is not a butterfly out there." "That is Denzil's money!" " How come I'VE got to go in and get it?" " Because I'm not a very good swimmer." " Nor am I." " But you're taller than me, ain't yer?" "Take you longer to drown!" "Come on, it's only shallow." " How shallow?" " I don't know, do I?" "Get in and see." " What's Rodney doin'?" " The backstroke, I think." "Our three grand is out there, on that lily pad." "I begged him not to go in." "It's a pity you weren't 'ere." "This is right up your street." " I can't swim, Del." " You used to be a sailor." "Don't mean a thing." "Nelson couldn't swim." "'Course he couldn't." "He'd only got one bloody arm!" "He'd be going round in circles, wouldn't he?" "Rodney, you see!" "Not as bad as you thought, is it?" " You pushed me!" " I didn't." "I just gave you a bit of encouragement." " Anyway, Rodders, you're in now." " I'm getting out now an' all." "Just a minute." "Look, not ten yards from you is one of the rarest, most beautifulest of God's little tiny creatures." "Them wallies in your magazine will give us three grand for it!" "I don't care!" "I'm still getting out." "Listen, we give Denzil back his two grand, and there's a grand in it for ourselves!" " Didn't you say you'd give Denzil three grand?" " It's funny, Denzil thought I said that." "Come on, Rodders!" "Everyone's a winner." " Nice and gently, Rodney." " Shut up!" "(DEL, QUIETLY) Easy now, Rodders." "Don't SPLASH!" "Go slowly!" "Don't DISTURB it!" "Mind how you go!" "(DEL) Got it?" "Good boy!" "Come on!" "Good Rodney!" " I bet I get a cold next week, now." " Shut up, you tart!" " This water'll make my hair go frizzy." " Don't worry." "The alopecia'll soon cure that." "(DEL) Careful!" "Rodney, just remember, if you get into difficulties, save the butterfly." "Stuff the butterfly!" "There are very few left in the world." "There are millions of you." "Nice 'n' easy, Rodney." "Almost there." "(DEL) Careful!" "Got it!" " Is he all right, Del?" " He's a bit wet, but he'll survive." "The old sun'll soon dry you out, won't it?" "Then I'm going to take you down to the nice man who's going to give your Uncle Delly-Welly three lovely grand." " Denzil!" "I've got your money." " Great." "See you down the pub." " What's that mess in your hands?" " That used to be a butterfly, Rodney." "A butterf..." "You didn't...?" "Not when Denzil...and...?" "Well, what a plonker!" "So what do we do, now?" "Ladies and gentlemen, how'd you like to become the proud owners of a set of lowvrey doors?" "# We've got some half-price cracked ice And miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains What's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits From a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or broke" "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street" "# Viva Hooky Street!" "# Long live Hooky Street!" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street!" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street... #"