"Oh, I tell ya, Grace." "This is one kick-ass office Christmas party." "I, for one, am having an absolute ball." "You must feel so naughty drinking in the middle of the day." "Oh!" "Honey, is there liquor in this?" "Well... once a year." "All right!" "I believe it's time for the annual Christmas bonus." "And here it is." "Wow!" "$1,000!" "Thank you!" "You know, a secretary on the second floor told me that the boss usually gives the bonuses." "Karen, are you gonna believe those women?" "They're the same people who told you you shouldn't be paying for my health coverage." "Merry Christmas!" "I'm wearing my holiday stocking." "I guess you can't see it." "Looks like things are in full swing." "God, everybody showed up this year." "That's nice." "Have you heard from Will?" "I thought he was gonna stop by." "Oh, right." "He's not here." "Oh!" "I'm sorry, honey." "He did call." "What did he say?" "Well, let me pull it up on the computer." "Okay, here he is. "3:11 P.M.:" "Volunteering tonight at the shelter." "Don't wait for me." "I'll see ya tomorrow." I'll just flag that as 'read' and archive it." "That's our Will." "He's kind of a modern-day saint." "Much like mine and Karen's Lord Jesus, he's a celibate man who lives to help others." "Excuse me." "Is this where you line up for Barry Manilow tickets?" "You're the first one." " What are you doing here?" " I'm waiting for the box office to open." "Tickets go on sale at 6:00 A.M." "You do know this is the line for Barry Manilow?" "For his one night only A Very Barry Christmas?" "So, if that's not why you're here for" "It is!" "Keep your voice down." "The whole street doesn't have to know." "Damn it!" "I can't believe you got here before me." "I've been following Barry around the country since 1988, and I've never been in line behind anyone." "Ever." "Well, you are now." "I got here first." "Isn't that right, Barry?" "That's right, Boss." "Wait a minute." "You're the guy that made his own Barry bobble-head?" "I know you." "Do you chat?" " Do I what?" " The Barry Manilow chat room." "Are you into it?" "Are you a fanilow?" "A "fanilow"?" "No." "Maybe I've gone to the chat room a couple of times." "Oh, yeah, a "couple of times." Bull crap, fancy nancy." "I know who you are." "You're "No One Fanilow"." "Number One Fanilow." "Oh, really?" "'Cause it looks like "no one fanilow" when you write it." "Copacafana 82." "You're Copacafana 82?" "Oh, my god!" "You're like the leader of the fanilows." "Your web site is amazing!" "I love your pencil sketches of Rico and Lola when they were kids." "That's so cool!" " Yeah, I know." "So can I get in front of you?" " It's not that cool." "Hey." "What's this line for?" "Is it something free?" "Food?" "Eh, what the hell." "If there's a line, it must be something good." "Will?" "What are you doing here?" "I thought you were feeding the homeless." " Turns out they were just... snackish." "So, so, I decided to" " Take the one thing that was good in my life and piss on it." "What's going on?" "And where'd you get the little chairs?" "All right." "I'm in line for Barry Manilow tickets, and I didn't tell you 'cause I knew you'd make fun of me." "And why would you think that..." "Mrs. Manilow?" "Quit it." "What are you even doing here?" "I thought you were Hanukkah-shopping with your mom." "I'm off the hook." "She called and said she wasn't coming into town." "It's a Hanukkah miracle." "It's like that time in Hebrew school when I bit into that dreidel on a hunch and it turned out to be chocolate." "Hey, look, could you do me a favor?" "I've had to pee for like an hour, but I didn't want to lose my place." "Can you stay here while I go to the sub shop across the street?" "What if someone sees me?" "Well, then they'll be excited to meet the cat in the hat." "Five minutes!" "Oh, no holdsies." "What?" "!" "You're not the line monitor." "Oh, this badge says different." "And if you start messing with fanilow line protocol, you're gonna have a lot of white, middle-aged people angry with you." "Can she hold my place if I let you be first?" "I think that'd be okay." "I'll be right back." "So, uh, are you a fanilow, too?" "Oh, uh..." "No, dear." "I'm a doctor's wife." "Is that--?" "That is my mother!" "She said she wasn't coming." "Why would she lie to me?" "I don't know." "That's your mom?" "So you got this from your dad?" "Who's that cute guy that just sat down with her?" "Jack?" "!" " Excuse me." "Can I just scoot in front of you?" "I just want to get the bathroom key." " No, I've been waiting." "People are amazing, aren't they?" "Hmm?" "Oh." "Oh, yeah." " If I was at the front of the line, I'd let you in." " Mmm." "Rudy." "I really just want to use the bathroom." " Hello?" " My mother is across the street having dinner with Jack." "What do you think's going on?" "Well, what do you care?" "You didn't want to see her, you're not seeing her." "I know." "I'm just curious." "I'm a naturally curious person who's interested in how things work in the world." "I thought you were a naturally lazy person who didn't care how things happened as long as she didn't have to do them." "Oh, yeah." "That's who I am." "Look, I'm gonna go and see what's up." "No!" "Do not leave that line!" "If you do, I'll end up with second row center instead of first row center, and this is the only thing getting me through the holidays!" "Don't move!" "I'll be there as soon as I can." "Look, I know I'm fat, but I got a decent personality, and I make my own clothes." "I'm--I'm really not interested." "I'd love to put you in a daisy duke denim romper." "What size are you?" "No." "Why would they even be together?" "I mean, not that I care." "I mean, beddah him than me." "That's for sure." "Beddah him than me." "It's just weird, you know, 'cause my mother lives for her weekends with me." "So, so it's a little weird." "You know what?" "Uh, even though I live alone, nobody likes me at work, and I follow a 57-year-old pop singer around the country, this is boring, so..." "Could you just talk to the person on the other side of you?" "Wazzup?" "Honey, I couldn't understand your message. "Some mary needs a line of blow?"" "I'm in line for Barry Manilow." "Look, I've gotta run across the street, okay?" "Jack is having dinner with my mother and-- Hey, you don't know anything about that, do you?" "I know about a misguided gay man and a deluded older woman who have needs just like you and me." "Never mind." "Well, you just stay here." "Will was waiting in line for tickets, and if I lose his place, he's gonna kill me, or, even worse, make me go to the damn show." "You look odd." "I'm devastated that you've decided to turn your back on your acting, dear." "Well, you know, Bobbi, sometimes when you turn your back, you create an opportunity for your front." "Yes, but acting is your life, dear." "Without it, you're just another sexually confused boy." "Well, I don't know, you know." "I feel like I've played all the great roles, you know?" "Man on bus, man at counter, man number 3." "Woman." "As a nurse, I only have to play one role: doctor." "Excuse me, sir." "I'm supposed to tell you that a very buff gentleman needs to see you at the bar right away." "Bobbi, this sounds like a medical emergency." "I just wish I had more time to put on a smock." " Jack!" " Aah!" "Grace!" "You scared me!" "I'm gonna look all flustered for my buff gentleman." "Jack, I am the buff gentleman." "Wow." "Conceited much?" "Why are you having dinner with my mother?" "Please tell me it's because you're still working on a drag version of her." "Because she invited me." "And I almost have the voice down." "What's the big whoop?" "How would you like it if I had dinner with your mother?" "Oh, that's not gonna happen." "My mother doesn't care for you." "Mom." " Grace, what are you doing here?" " Never mind that." "What are you doing having dinner with Jack on our traditional Hanukkah-shopping weekend?" "Oh, my God!" "And you're even having a traditional Hanukkah short ribs dinner?" "Grace, I know you don't enjoy our time together." "So I called someone who I know would enjoy it." "Oh, well, great." "Great, well, have fun." "You don't need me, I don't need you." "If you would rather spend time with Jack, then have fun." "Live it up. "Beddah him than me" is what I'm saying." "Beddah him than me." "Such drama." "She's never forgiven me for being the prettier sister." "Your bathroom could use some freshening up... maybe an orchid in a small vase, or someone could help the man passed out in a puddle of Liquid Dial." "That's Tommy." "He's on his break." "Is that Barry Manilow order ready yet?" "So you mentioned a romper." "How would that work exactly?" "Buttons down the front?" "Yeah, I guess." "Subs are good here, huh?" "Especially to go." "They travel well." "And--and where will you be traveling with your subs tonight, I wonder?" "I'm Barry Manilow's road manager." "He's got a Christmas concert across the street." "Oh!" "?" "Huh!" "Barry Manilow." "There's a blast from the past." "Singer, right?" "Why are you talking to me?" "You seem interesting." "I'm sorry." "It's just that I can't flirt on a full bladder." "I'm empty now." "Hi." "You're a fanilow, aren't you?" "A--a--a what?" "A what?" "A fanilow?" "Wh--wh--what is that?" "This is an interesting turn." "To make it worse for you, you're actually kissing up to the right guy." "I have direct access to the Manilow." "I can even get you into the rehearsal to meet Barry." "But you're not interested." "Not so fat now, am I, brown eyes?" "So you and Barry are lovers?" "God, no." "I wish!" "I've never even met him." "But he has brought me to climax more times than any other man." "And yet you stand in line on bitterly cold nights just to hear his music?" "I don't get it." " Well, have you ever heard his music?" " No." "He makes you feel like he knows you, like everything you've ever felt and everything you ever wish is okay with him." "He makes you feel less alone in the world." "Eek." "Sad." "No, it's impossible to be sad when you hear him." "Okay, honey." "Let's just agree to disagree on this one because I really" "Oh!" "Oh, my!" "Oh, why" " Why, that's just..." "Look, Rudy" " God, you've got lashes for days." "I think we got off on the wrong foot." "Did we?" "'Cause five minutes ago, you were looking at me like some monster you ran into in the woods." "Are you kidding?" "Maybe a--maybe a hot monster." "In--in--in in the forest of hunk." "Heh." "Grrrrr-rowl!" "Save it." "You fanilows make me sick." "But you did notice I got my lashes tinted, and none of the roadies did." "So grab the Sun Chips, and I'll take you over to sound check and introduce you to Barry." "You will?" "You are such a nice man!" "If you go ou with me after the concert." "What?" "!" "Do you realize what you're suggesting?" "That is sexual blackmail!" "Yeah, I know." "Okay, so long as we're clear." "You know, I'm glad she's with Jack." "It's better this way." "Yeah." "You don't need her or her supermarket makeup." "You said it." "And you know what I say?" "Beddah him than me." "That's right." "Beddah him than me." "Don't talk to her anymore unless you want to hear that "better him than me" thing like a thousand more times." "He could be her new daughter, for all I care." "This is great for me!" "Great!" "Beddah him than me." "That's right." "Beddah him than me." "I remember all my life, raining down as cold as ice." "Shadows of a man, a face through a window, cryin' in the night, the night goes into morning, just another day." "Happy people pass my way." "Looking in their eyes, I see a memory" "I never realized how happy you made me." "Oh, mommy !" "Oh, you came and you gave without taking, but I sent you away." "Oh, mommy!" "You kissed me and stopped me from shaking!" "And I need you today!" "Oh, mommy!" "Oh, Bobbi, I love spending time with you." "I tell ya, if I were 30 years older and you were 30 years younger..." "And a man." "Wow!" "Imagine the feweworks!" "Oh, fireworks." "I tell ya, these days, I'm lucky if I can get Mr. Adler's fuse lit." "Oh, Bobbi, I love it when you work blue!" "Mommy." "I need to talk to you." " You're back." "What is it, dear?" " Grace, what are you doing--?" " Get out." " But you can't" " Get out!" "It's not fair." "You" " You're my mother, not Jack's." "You gave me life, even though it almost killed you doing it, as you remind me every year on my birthday." "So, not better him than me." "Better me than him." "Oh." "So you wanna be with me?" "Yes." "I mean, the holidays are all about... misery and... obligation... and the Maccabees riding an elephant, or whatever the hell Hanukkah is about." "And if I didn't have that every year, I'd--I'd miss it." "Oh, dear, I'd miss it, too, darling." "Oh!" "Excuse me." "Oh, that's my mother." "No way I'm getting that!" "Karen, Grace is after me." "If you see her, fire a warning shot into her hair." "Wh--what are we in line for?" "God, from the looks of this crowd, I hope it's birth control." "Oh, honey, it's the most wonderful thing." "His name is Barry Manilow." "He's cuter than Deepak, and you don't have to buy a lot of crap to believe in him." "This is Cheryl." "She's a fanilow." "The man makes me happy." "This is Jackie." "He's a fagalow." "The mens make me happy, too." "I'm gonna get you house seats for the show tomorrow night, but then remember what you said." "You and me, a date." "I know what I said." "We're going on a date." "So, where do you wanna go?" "Well, the band leaves on the bus right after the show tomorrow night." "So you're gonna have to come with me to Philadelphia." "We'll have our date there." "That's the deal." "Philadelphia?" "!" "City of brotherly love." " Follow me." "I'll take you straight to Barry." " Oh!" "Out of my way, you stinkin' fanilows." "Hey, wait a minute!" "You can't cut!" "Actually, I can." "I'm going to meet Barry Manilow." "And then he's going on a date with me to Philadelphia." "But first, I'm gonna meet Barry Manilow." "And then Philadelphia." "We're going hoppin' today, where things are poppin' the Philadelphia way." "We're gonna drop in on all the music they play on the bandstand." "Bandstand." "You're not half bad!" "Barry, I thought you were gonna clear out in a few minutes." "Wait, wait, wait." "You don't have to go." "You can stay, stay!" "Please stay." "Barry's gotta go." "Yeah, I gotta go to the copacabaÑo." "Ha ha ha ha!"