"_" "Piper:" "So, Tucker, I think that we need to talk." "As crazy as I am about you, I'm not sure that the relationship is really going in the direction that I feel at this point" "Look in that basket." "Piper:" "I'm sorry?" "Look in the blue cheese cup." "[ Soft music plays ]" "Piper:" "No." "No." "Yep." "Piper:" "You hid an engagement ring in the blue cheese?" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa." "I don't want to make out right now." "[ Crowd cheering ]" "No!" "No!" "Piper:" "I'm getting married." "[ Eastern music plays ]" "Oh, Piper, don't you remember?" "You're already married." "To me." "[ Laughs evilly ]" "[ Paper crumples ]" "[ Chomps ]" "Diego!" "♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪" "♪ oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪" "Piper:" "The proposal was just so romantic." "Jessie:" "I know." "It's really something." " So sparkly." "Piper:" " Thank you." "I hope some hunk proposes to me one day." "Jessie:" "Yeah, I guess everyone wants to marry Piper." "Kove:" "Too true." "So, when's the wedding, Piper?" "Piper:" "Next week." "Jessie:" "So soon?" "Piper:" "Yeah." "Tucker says that he just wants to get it over with already." "Kove:" "Aww!" "Trent:" "Weddings are for singles who are quitters." "Kove:" "Oh, Trent, don't be so unromantic." "I remember the two times you proposed to me like they were yesterday." "Trent: [ Scoffs ]" "First time I was drunk on wine coolers." "The second time, I was under the influence of a mind control device that programmed me to destroy you emotionally." "Kove:" "By God, you did." "Sam:" "Yo, Piper, can my positive-message hip-hop group, Fresh Generation, play at your reception?" "Piper:" "Oh, I'm sorry, Sam." "Tucker doesn't want music at the wedding." "Sam:" "Okay." "Fine." "Oh, hey, some, uh, weird old dude left this for you." "On one side there's a dragon." "On the other side, it says "Shumway."" "Piper:" "No." "Sam:" "Yeah." "Piper:" "This can't be." "He's dead." "Trent:" "Who?" "Who's dead?" "Who can't it be?" "Who's he?" "And why are we surprised that he's not dead?" "Piper:" "Dragon Shumway." "He used to run the number-one assassins academy for girls." "Ten years ago, he took me in and trained me to be the deadliest woman in the world." "He taught me the secret art of hand-to-hand combat, weaponry, and the most dangerous art of all... love." "Jessie:" "Why'd you let him go?" "Piper:" "Well, I mean, it's like Billy Joel once said." "We had some fights when the money got tight, and we just didn't count on the assassination attempt going wrong, so I left him for dead." "Trent:" "Well, looks like your wedding's off-- like a prom dress." "Kove:" "No." "Have your wedding, Piper." "And when Shumway strikes, we'll be there to catch him." "Trent:" "Well, looks like your wedding's back on-- like a prom dress in reverse." "[ Dance music playing ]" "Jessie:" "Warmer." "Piper:" "Chuck Norris!" "Jessie:" "Getting warmer." "Kove:" "Okay." "Enough." "This ain't no bachelorette party." "Piper:" "Kove, it's fine." "Kove:" "Piper, I've been married 11 times, so I know the value of one last ladies' night out before you commit yourself to someone forever." "Jessie:" "What is that?" "Kove:" "An ultrapowerful government-grade appletini mix that was originally created to help NTSF infiltrate the gay mafia." "Piper:" "Does it work?" "Kove:" "This juice will get you crunked." "Jessie:" "Fuck yeah!" "Piper:" "Maybe just a little." "[ Gunshots, all screaming ]" "Jessie:" "Kove, will you be my mom?" "Kove, will you be my mom?" "Please be my mom, Kove!" "Say you'll be my mom!" "Kove:" "Oh, yeah, I'm your mom!" "Jessie:" "Yeah!" "[ Gunshots ]" "Whoo!" "[ Siren walls ]" "Which one of you drunks is Piper Ferguson?" "You got a visitor." "Piper:" "Shumway." "[ Eastern music plays ]" "You didn't really think I'd just let you get remarried, did you?" "Piper:" "I thought you were dead." "You left me for dead." "Piper:" "I left you because you killed my entire family for the insurance money and then bought me a yacht for Valentine's Day." "You're still mad about that?" "Piper:" "I wanted a Lexus." "Sorry, sir." "You can't have a sword in-- aah!" "[ Sighs ]" "Well, I guess I better be going." "They say it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding." "Piper:" "Well, yeah, if you're the groom." "What?" "Piper:" "It's bad luck if you're the groom." "Oh, don't be an asshole." "You knew what I was going for." "Piper:" "Great seeing you." " I didn't hear what you said with-- Piper:" " I said great seeing you." "I can't hear anything in here." "[ Classical music playing ]" "Kove:" "Be ready for anything." "Weddings are so beautiful." "Trent:" "Not on my watch." "Jessie:" "Wow, Piper." "Marriage." "I'm really happy for you." "Piper:" "Yeah." "I don't know, Jessie." "I'm feeling like maybe-- maybe I should just go back with Shumway." "I mean, maybe I'm just marrying Tucker because he makes me feel like I'm a normal woman and not a highly trained government assassin." "Jessie:" "I think you're a selfish monster." "Piper:" "What?" "Jessie:" "It should be me in that dress!" "Piper:" "Hi." "Can I just have a second, please?" "Girlfriend, you've got to be kidding." "It is three minutes to showtime, and we have got a lot to do." "Aah!" "[ Dramatic music plays ]" "Piper:" "Shumway." "Hello, babycakes." "[ Both grunt ]" "Piper, I want you back." "Piper:" "Forget it." "I can change." "Piper:" "You're too late!" "I don't love you anymore!" "[ Slow music plays ]" "Wow." "You really mean that?" "[ Sighs ] That's harsh." "But I guess I have no choice but to accept it and move on." "Piper:" "Thank you." "[ Indistinct conversations ]" "Trent:" "Look, I tortured the ring bearer and the flower girl." "They know nothing." "Piper:" "Shumway isn't gonna be a problem anymore." "Trent:" "Why the hell am I here?" "Sam:" "You do know you're a male robot, right?" "I am?" "Well, my memory chip has just been blown." "Piper:" "Mr. President?" "Shh." "Don't blow my cover." "I'm here to help you guys get shumway." "But don't worry." "I'm an ordained minister with the Universal Life Church." "It's cool." "Jessie:" "Sorry I'm late." "Piper:" "Is this a wedding dress?" "Jessie:" "It's my maid of honor dress." "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to... uh, join this man and woman together into a unit that should" "I should've brought my Bible." "Piper:" "You know what?" "We-- we wrote our own vows." "Good." "Thank God!" "Ha!" "Yes!" "[ Soft music plays ]" "Piper:" "Tucker, these last five years we've spent together have been... all right." "Yeah." "Piper:" "And I cherish you, and I look forward to joining my life with yours for eternity." "Wow." "If you mean it, that's amazing." "[ Laughs ]" "All right." "Your turn, homeboy." "All right." "Piper..." "[ Clears throat ]" "You know what's up." "It's all good." "That's awesome." "All right, uh, anybody out there got a problem with this marriage?" "Anybody?" "Ball up." "Aah!" "[ Audience gasping ]" "I got stabbed by Shumway!" "Piper:" "Shumway, I thought we just worked this out!" "I lied." "The dragon don't get dumped, Pipey." "Look out!" "He's got a ponytail!" "Alphonse:" "Looks like it's Christmas sushi time." "Kove:" "No." "If there's one thing I've learned after 11 marriages, it's that sometimes a good fight can clear the air." "If I can't have you, nobody can." "Piper:" "You killed my family!" "They were already pretty old." "I'd say I consider this a divorce, but I don't rip off" "Schwarzenegger movies." "But I do." "Hasta la vista, baby." "[ Grunts ]" "Piper:" "Tucker, oh, my God." "Thank you." "I'm" " I'm so proud of you." "Damn it." "I do love you." "[ Growls ]" "Aah!" "Jessie:" "Okay, you bitches, this is my wedding now." "♪ Calling all the party people in the club ♪" "♪ it's time to put your body on the floor ♪" "♪ all the party freaks are coming out to play until the ♪" "♪ night turns into day ♪" "♪ all the party freaks ♪" "♪ all the party freaks ♪" "♪ all the party freaks are coming out to play until the ♪" "♪ night turns into day ♪" "♪ all the party freaks ♪" "♪ all the party freaks ♪" "♪ calling all the party people in the club ♪"