"( theme song playing )" "A record of everything we've purchased for our little hotel here, household supplies..." "Uh-huh." "Spent a great deal of money on food, I see." "Oh, yes, quite a bit." "We are Luft Stalag, Herr Major." "We do not believe in starvation." "Ah, so I see." "I-I'm on a diet, Major." "Oh, yes, Sergeant Schultz eats only three meals a day like all the rest of the men." "But every meal seems to go right into the next meal, if you know what I mean... sir." "Coffee, Colonel Hogan?" "No thanks, Fraulein." "Junior doesn't like the idea." "They get upset when people relax." "Very neat, very efficient." "Now, Major, you have arrived here with a fully-armed commando." "You've inspected the books." "You've asked questions." "What is it you want?" "Herr Colonel, it is not a question of what I want." "It's what I've got." "What have you got?" "Call the senior prisoner officer in here." "This concerns him, as well." "Call in Colonel Hogan." "SCHULTZ:" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Colonel Hogan, come in, bitte." "KLINK:" "Colonel Hogan," "Major Strauss, Gestapo." "Major?" "Colonel Hogan." "Major Strauss has something to say that concerns all of us." "Are you surrendering to me?" "I should've worn my dress blues." "Insolence!" "I'm sure that we can change the colonel's attitude." "We?" "Yes." "From today on, the Gestapo will take over Stalag 13-- prisoners, equipment and bookkeeping." "You and your sergeant will stay on for a few weeks as advisors, then all Luftwaffe personnel will be transferred, reassigned." "Reassigned?" "Where?" "I'll give you a hint:" "It's big, cold, east of here, and there are a lot of people named Ivan shooting at you all the time." "Major Strauss, where are your orders, huh, and by whose authority?" "General Mueller, Gestapo." "We'll see about this." "Fraulein Hilda, get me General Burkhalter in Berlin-- priority call." "Besides being head of the Luft Stalag administration, he also happens to be a personal friend of mine." "I'm impressed." "KLINK:" "Oh, General Burkhalter?" "Colonel Klink speaking." "Heil Hitler." "There's a Major Strauss here attempting to take over Stalag 13." "His men are in the compound." "He's been going through our records and..." "Major Strauss, yes." "Gestapo." "And when I..." "( line clicks )" "Hello?" "Hello?" "How could a man talk to me for three minutes and then say, "Wrong number"?" "Nothing like a personal friend when you need one." "So the Gestapo takes over." "So what?" "Why are we getting all bent out of shape?" "We're not exactly talking about a troop of Cub Scouts." "But we are an old, established company." "And they're trained killers." "Shoot first, ask questions later." "We managed to get the Luftwaffe housebroken." "No reason we can't do the same thing with the Gestapo." "That's your opinion, not mine." "What happens to us if Klink and Schultz are transferred, huh?" "We're finished." "Colonel, what do they want with this old rattrap anyway?" "Robbery." "They cheat on camp supplies, organize a black market, move in on the local merchants." "Happens wherever they take over." "Let them steal." "They don't worry us." "Anybody else want to stick his head in the sand, leave his backside sticking out to be kicked?" "No reason to get so upset, Colonel." "I say there is." "They're going to tighten security-- so are we." "No radio for a while, and nobody use the tunnels." "We got to make sure they don't find 'em." "(metal detector ticking)" "(chuckles) Never saw it before." "All right, who's the wise guy been digging tunnels without permission?" "( overlapping denials )" "Don't know anything about it, sir." "It must be left over from World War I." "I don't believe it." "Maybe it was the war before that war." "Now, let's see." "When was that war?" "All right, I want the men responsible for this to take one step forward." "Sorry." "Must be an old tunnel." "Hogan, you are the senior officer responsible for discipline." "This is your failure." "You may have a week in the cooler to think about it." "A week?" "You're too good to me, Major." "Take him away." "Nothing to worry about, right?" "Right." "We'd forgotten, Colonel." "That tunnel was closed off a year ago." "We got to keep better records." "Anybody digs a tunnel from now on, they make a note, and that's an order." "Right." "This Stroganoff's delicious, LeBeau." "Thank you, mon colonel." "I've been thinking about our problem." "We can't cope with the Gestapo." "Got to get rid of 'em." "All right, then." "( whispers ):" "Get rid of the Gestapo?" "No more wine for this table." "I got an idea, and it might work." "When you get back to the barracks, have Baker plug into Major Strauss' phone line." "Oui, mon colonel." "General Mueller is Strauss' boss in Berlin." "He's bound to call." "I want a recording of Mueller's voice." "Recording?" "HOGAN:" "Right." "I want Newkirk to listen, practice and imitate it." "Got it?" "Understood, mon colonel." "I will give him your orders, ( clanking ) but I think..." "Hold it-- someone's coming." "Back in the tunnel." "Here you go." "Hi, Schultz." "Come on in." "Danke." "Eh, what do you got there?" "Been digging for worms again?" "This is your supper." "( groans )" "This is what the Gestapo gives to prisoners now." "I was right the first time." "Well..." "I'll leave it here." "Yeah." "Maybe your appetite will come back." "How are things in the outside world?" "How's the commandant?" "Depressed?" "Oh, he sits in his quarters all day long." "Frankly, it's a shame they had the Gestapo come and take over Stalag 13." "Yeah, I was just getting used to the place." "( sighs ) Nothing can be done about it, I guess." "Well, I had a few ideas, but it's kind of tough to think straight in here." "Maybe the commandant can get you released?" "( scoffs ) Impossible." "Forget it." "No, Schultz." "All I'd like is to be out of here in time to wave good-bye when they take you two away." "Please don't talk like this." "I'll have Commandant Klink talk with Major Strauss." "Now..." "I have to go." "Yeah, but drop in anytime, Schultz." "( chuckles ) Danke." "Bon appétit." "Schultz, don't bring me any dessert." "Mm?" "( laughs )" "Jolly joker." "What about this?" "Run it under the rafter." "It's not going to be used anyway." "Right." "Oh, we got this recording yesterday, sir." "The second voice is General Mueller." "Well, let's hear it." "General Mueller, this is Strauss speaking." "Heil Hitler." "MUELLER:" "Heil Hitler." "STRAUSS:" "We have taken over Stalag 13, Herr General, according to plan." "MUELLER:" "Good." "You will get rid of the Luftwaffe administration as quickly as possible." "Then you know what to do." "STRAUSS:" "Understood, Herr General." "Now you've heard him, sir." "Now listen to me." "He's been practicing." "He's got it down real great." "How 'bout this, sir?" "( clears throat )" "An excellent report, Major Strauss." "You will be promoted for this and be given a decoration, possibly the purple wiener schnitzel with poached egg cluster." "What do you think, Colonel?" "So good you scared me to death." "Well, I've got a lot of work to do on it yet, but I'll get it, sir." "Work on it, huh?" "Right." "Major Strauss..." "Hey, wait till you hear Newkirk imitate General Mueller." "Boy, he could fool me." "Doesn't require too much talent for that." "It's all set, Colonel." "It's in place." "Good." "Klink should be here any minute." "Shh..." "Schultz, where's Klink?" "He sent me ahead to make sure the coast is clear." "No Gestapo?" "Nobody here but us chickens." "( Schultz whistling bird-like )" "Close the door." "Atten-hut!" "Never mind the formalities." "At ease." "Don't worry, nobody recognized you, sir." "We even had trouble, right, fellas?" "ALL:" "Right." "Who is he?" "Commandant... thank you for getting me out of the cooler." "Believe me, for the first time," "I had to use all my intelligence and craftiness." "Yeah, well, I got out anyway." "Now, Hogan, for the first time, we have a common purpose." "Uh-huh." "And I think I speak for all of us when I say..." "we love this place." "Oh, we want to keep it, right, fellas?" "Right." "Certainly, sir." "Now, Hogan, I am willing to cooperate with you for our common purpose, but I want it clearly understood, once we get rid of the Gestapo, we will return to the same rigid discipline that I'm famous for." "Absolutely." "We wouldn't have it any other way, right, fellas?" "Right, sir, right." "Sure, we understand that." "Now, first, we must consider the alternatives that are open to us." "( gasps ):" "A micropho..." "How are you feeling these days, Commandant?" "Very good, thank you." "Anything new at the office?" "Not a great deal." "Why don't we get together and do this more...?" "They must have the whole place bugged by now." "Yeah." "Can't make any plans here, sir." "I knew it was hopeless." "No, no, not necessarily, sir." "Uh, if, uh, we went into town, maybe, in, uh, some public place, wouldn't be any danger." "Town?" "Are you crazy?" "Well, all you got to do is tell Major Strauss" "I need some dental work, you're taking me to the dentist in Hammelburg." "Shultz goes along as a guard." "Impossible." "Too risky." "Okay." "You want to chicken out, run the risk of losing all this." "All right, I'll try to arrange it for tomorrow." "So far, we've got a chance." "Baker, get in touch with our underground contact." "Tell him I want to see Otto at the haufbrau tomorrow night." "Right, Colonel." "Now... we have to find some kind of distraction for Klink and Schultz." "Distraction, Colonel?" "Yeah, something to keep 'em busy." "What would do it?" "HOGAN/BAKER/LeBEAU:" "Girls!" "Girls." "That never would've occurred to me." "Yeah, Carter, we know." "* *" "( laughter )" "Ooh." "( laughs )" "Oh, I didn't have such fun since the strudel festival in Munich." "( laughs )" "We came here to talk business." "We'll get around to it, Commandant." "Ja, Colonel." "Let's have fun, and then we talk." "Are you really a Colonel?" "Of course, my dear-- isn't that quite obvious?" "But hard to believe, huh?" "Schultz!" "I-I I mean, y-you being so human, Colonel." "That's not easy to believe, either." "WOMAN:" "Hmm." "Shall we have another bottle of wine?" "SCHULTZ:" "Ja!" "Why not?" "Allow me." "I'll take care of it." "( laughs )" "Bottle of wine for that table, please." "Slowly." "I understand." "Wild idea, Colonel." "It's the best kind if they work." "If." "We have no choice." "If we let the Gestapo keep Stalag 13, our organization and yours will be out of business." "That's the way I figure it." "You'll need two men." "A Swiss civilian and General Mueller's aide." "We'll call him Captain Geissler." "I have a man for that job." "You can handle the Swiss part, huh?" "All right." "I have a Swiss passport, among others." "What if they decide to check with Mueller?" "We have Strauss' phone covered and a pretty good imitation of Mueller's voice." "We can confirm anything you tell him." "All right." "You're Otto Baum, Zurich, huh?" "I am traveling on a special visa." "You will see it noted there." "Oh, yeah, I've seen it." "Will you be kind enough to tell General Mueller" "I have arrived?" "General Mueller?" "I am to meet him here." "May I ask, what is your business with the general?" "I'm afraid I can't tell you that, Major." "Mueller is here?" "No, but I can call him." "Good." "Thank you." "Fraulein, get me General Mueller," "Gestapo headquarters, Berlin." "( buzzing )" "Bitte?" "Eine moment, bitte." "General Mueller speaking." "Heil Hitler." "Oh, Major Strauss." "Baum, Herr General." "Otto Baum." "Yes, I've been waiting to hear from him." "You will make my apologies for not being there in person." "Jawohl, Herr General." "Baum has an agreement." "We negotiated it some time ago." "You will sign it," ""Accepted for General Mueller."" ""Accepted for General Mueller."" "What sort of an agreement?" "So many questions, Strauss." "My aide, Captain Geissler, is on his way to Stalag 13." "He should be there any time." "He will confirm the agreement and add his signature." "I am not acquainted with Captain Geissler, Herr General." "Of course not." "He's my confidential aide." "Deal with him as you would with me." "Understood, Herr General." "Geissler has orders to bring the agreement to me in Berlin the moment it is signed." "Now, any more questions, Strauss?" "Nein." "Nein, Herr General." "Excellent." "Wiedersehen." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "Wiedersehen." "General Mueller regrets that he cannot be here." "Cannot be here?" "I came all the way from Zurich." "Captain Geissler will represent him." "He is on his way." "Geissler." "Geissler?" "Oh, yes, Mueller's aide." "He was at our last meeting." "BAUM:" "Good to see you again, Geissler." "GEISSLER:" "Danke, Herr Baum." "BAUM:" "I'm sorry the general can't be with us." "GEISSLER:" "Because of the nature of the agreement, he felt it might be wiser if he stayed in Berlin." "BAUM:" "Of course." "GEISSLER:" "Did you have a pleasant trip from Switzerland?" "BAUM:" "One doesn't expect comfort in war time." "Shall we get down to business?" "Switchboard ready, just in case?" "Ready." "Our switchboard and our General Mueller." "Now, the major points of our understanding, Herr Baum." "Ja." ""General Mueller agrees as follows." ""One, he will arrest," ""and if necessary, execute Adolf Hitler."" "What?" "!" "Arrest and execute the Fuhrer?" "Major Strauss, may I suggest that we hear the full document?" "That is treason!" "If you'll listen, Major, you may hear something that will make it quite worthwhile for you." ""Two, General Mueller and his associates will surrender" ""all German armed forces to the allied governments" ""and negotiate an interim peace agreement." ""In consideration of these actions," ""the allies represented by Herr Otto Baum," ""agree to pay General Mueller the sum" ""of ten million Swiss francs" ""and to guarantee him safe passage to Argentina."" "I can't believe that General Mueller would..." "I suggest you call him for confirmation, Major." "Tell Newkirk to stand by." "GEISSLER:" "Ja, Major Strauss." "Why don't you call the general?" "Boy, those guys are really something." "He would never discuss this on the telephone." "I am instructed to tell you, Major, that General Mueller intends to take good care of his friends in this matter." "Ten million francs?" "He can afford to." "And safe conduct out of Germany at the proper time." "Captain, does this contain all the points we negotiated at our last meeting?" "Ja." "It is correct, Herr Baum." "Then we are ready to sign." "BAUM:" "I'm going to the Hammelburg Airfield, Captain." "Will you ride with me?" "Danke." "Glad to." "Bitte." "( speaking German )" "Hey, Carter, don't ask the men for cigarettes." "Why don't you just mind your own business?" "Come on, get out of the way, so you won't get..." "Oh." "( Baum shouts )" "CARTER ( chuckling ):" "Oh, everything's okay, okay." "( engine starting )" "You expect me to take this to General Burkhalter without reading it?" "You'd never believe what's in it." "You might refuse to go to Berlin." "Hogan, now you're treating me like a child... (stamping foot) and I will not be treated like a child." "I want Burkhalter to open this in your presence." "I want to see your reaction." "I won't go unless you tell me what's in it." "Okay." "You won't go to Berlin, but you will go to the eastern front when the Major's ready." "( laughs ) He doesn't bother me." "Come on, Commandant, who are you kidding?" "He doesn't bother me!" "Scare me, yes." "Strauss might not even have you transferred." "You already know enough about his bookkeeping." "The Gestapo might arrange a little accident for you." "I know nothing about his bookkeeping, nothing." "Commandant, this is a chance to get your command back, to get rid of these monsters." "You want to chicken out, forget it." "Hogan the envelope." "Ten million Swiss francs." "Safe passage to Argentina." "Nice little arrangement, Herr General." "Very nice, especially the part about executing the Fuhrer." "Read that again." "Oh, it makes me feel so good." "Klink, please." "Can't really believe I had anything to do with this." "It is signed, "For General Mueller."" "By one of your own officers, our friend, Major Strauss." "Obviously working on some scheme of his own and trying to involve me." "It's not important, Mueller." "The way I see it, you have two alternatives." "That's right, General Burkhalter." "There are two alternatives." "( laughs )" "And what are they?" "The Gestapo will move out of Stalag 13, restore it to the Luftwaffe, or I will personally hand this document to the Fuhrer." "Don't try to scare me with the Fuhrer." "Well, Mueller, what's it going to be?" "I am loyal to Hitler, and he knows it." "Then you have nothing to fear." "I will make the necessary arrangements." "Herr General, you must listen to me." "They arranged this." "They are the guilty people." "Take him away!" "I can't stand that man." "All right, you have your precious stalag back, and good luck to you." "Auf Wiedersehen." "Heil Hitler." "BOTH:" "Heil Hitler." "( engine starting )" "That agreement was brilliant, Klink." "Danke." "That's right, brilliant." "How did you arrange it, Klink?" "I'm curious, too." "How did I arrange it?" "Well, sir, I'm afraid there are some things that just cannot be told." "Not even to me?" "Not even to you, Herr General." "I can understand that." "I really can." "( laughs )" "Luftwaffe guards in the places they should be, winter sun sparkling on the barbed wire." "Everything in perfect order." "How about celebrating with some extra hot water for the men, sir, and maybe a loaf of white bread?" "Hogan, I warned you." "When I resumed command, all prisoners would be subject to my usual rigid discipline." "Request denied." "You have a grand way of saying "thank you."" "By the way, Hogan, where did you get that agreement, huh?" "Hot water, white bread." "Denied." "Where did you get that agreement?" "Commandant, there are some things that just can't be told." "Not even to me?" "Especially not even to you." "Dismissed!" "* *"