"Max, will you stop pacing?" "You're making me nervous." "Making you nervous?" "How do you think I feel?" "This is the first time I've ever met a king face to face." "Not face to face, Max." "When we enter, we bow low and stay that way until we're told to rise." "I just hope that I don't have to bend over too long." "When the blood rushes to my head, I get a terrific headache." "There is such a thing as protocol." "Is that anything like an aspirin?" "We'd better run through the assignment before we meet King Charles." "As you know, King Charles is" "Hyah!" "Max, be careful." "Don't hurt that antique armor." "As you know, King Charles is very friendly to our country, but the prime minister hates our country." "Prime ministers always hate our country." "Caronia supplies us with a very valuable mineral, vital to our Project X-2." "If anything happened to the king, the prime minister would cut off our supply and give it to our enemies." "Prime ministers always give it to our enemies." "Max, please listen." "The prime minister is next in line to the throne, and he happens to be the king's half brother Basil." "Half brothers are always called Basil." "Gosh, Chief, those knights must have had a million headaches." "This thing must weigh 30 lbs." "We suspect Basil of hiring KAOS agents to assassinate the king before his coronation on Saturday." "Our job is to protect the king no matter what the risk." "Any questions, Max?" "Max:" "Uh, just one, Chief:" "how did they get these things off?" "Gentlemen, His Highness will see you now." "Gentlemen, His Royal Highness" "King Charles IX, King of Caronia." "( gun fires )" "( theme music playing )" "Is His Majesty all right?" "Comfortable, but he must have absolute bed rest for two or three days." "Three days?" "He might miss the coronation." "That's okay, Chief." "We can tell him all about it." "Max, if Charles isn't crowned king on Saturday," "Basil automatically takes over." "The king must be crowned." "Meanwhile, he must be protected." "There's bound to be another attempt on his life." "I can tell you one thing-- I'm certainly glad I'm not Charles." "Mr. Smart, when you saw the king, what did you notice?" " He looked like me." " It's desperate." "It's dangerous." "One chance in a million." "Then again, it might just work." "Mr. Smart, when a man grows older he begins to believe in fate." "Fate sent you here." "Fate sends you now to replace King Charles." "Yes, well, you can just go and tell fate that I'm not going." " I could be killed." " But you must!" "We have everything to gain and nothing to lose." "Chief:" "Colonel von Klaus, Max doesn't know anything about King Charles." "I grant you there's a physical resemblance, but how could he possibly get away with an impersonation?" "Von Klaus:" "In two hours the royal train leaves for Gransburg, our capital." "In that time, with my coaching, he will be King Charles, or my name's not von Klaus." "Chief:" "Max, it's your duty." "Yes, well, I guess you're right, Chief." "Two hours, eh?" "That should be enough time." "Fortunately, I have an infallible memory." "Now when we get off the train at that capital-- whatever the name of that-- what is that?" " Gransburg." " Gransburg." "That's the place, yes." "When we get off there, I will be exactly like" "King-- uh, uh, what's his name?" " Charles." " Charles." "That's the guy." "So you see, you have absolutely nothing to worry about, Colonel uh uh..." " Von Klaus." " ...von Klaus." "That's it." "That's right." "That's a pretty good start." "Where do we go from here, uh uh..." " Chief." " Chief." "Exactly." "Is he putting me on?" "Let us begin." "First you must learn to speak like His Majesty." "I have a recording of his latest speech." "That won't be necessary, von Klaus." "I've seen enough movies to know how a king talks." "( British accent ) Ah, love, if I were king, what tributary nations I would bring to stoop before your scepter." "The world would be a ruby for your finger ring, and you should have the moon and stars to wear, if I were king." "No, Max, that's not the way a king sounds at all." "( British accent ) So Saturday, when I stand before you all to be crowned king..." "Now that's gonna be a problem, Chief." "I'll never be able to talk like that." "You can if you think like a king." "A king is confident, determined, dignified, proud." "His very manner inspires awe among the common folk." "You look great, Max." "You dare to call a king by his first name?" "Beware of your head, my friend." "Above all a king must be daring, strong and brave." "Put this in your scabbard." " Von Klaus?" " Yes, what is it?" "I don't have a scabbard." " You do now." " ( clears throat )" "Let's go over it once more." "Your father's name was...?" "King Charles Vlll, of Caronia." " Your mother was...?" " Queen Helena of Ruratania." " And you're engaged to...?" " Princess Marta of Esterhagen." " Your half brother is...?" " Basil the Prime Minister." " and you are...?" " Maxwell Smart, Agent 86." "These are pictures of your betrothed Marta, and your half brother Basil." "I hope this one is Basil." "It is." "And Basil will stop at nothing to sit on your throne." "From the moment you leave this train, you'll be facing torture and death." "And..." "loving it." "Prince Basil, we have taken care of King Charles." "Well done, Otto." " KAOS is very efficient." " Thank you, sir." "Great news, gentlemen." "My brother is dead." "Saturday I will be crowned king in his place." "All:" "The king is dead." "Long live the king." "The king lives." "The king lives?" "Ah." "Brother." "What a pleasant surprise." ""Pleasant" or "unexpected"?" "I wish a word with my brother-- alone." "Do you think that's wise, sire?" "You dare to question your king?" "Beware of your head, my friend." "Well, Basil, celebrating something?" "Just toasting your health, sire." "Well, your concern for my health touches me deeply." "I thought you would still be at the summer palace." "Wasn't the hunting good?" "( chuckles )" "Not for the hunters." "I see." "A toast to the coronation of King Charles." "I'll drink to him..." "uh, me." "You dropped your monocle, sire." "Yes, well, fortunately, I'm wearing my contact monocle." "Your Majesty, a foreign envoy desires an audience with you." " She awaits without." " Ah, yes." "Well, a peasant may work from sun to sun, but a monarch's work is never done." "Eh, Basil?" "( chuckles )" "Get out." " Brother." " As you wish, sire." "Until we meet again, brother." "Does 99 know who I am?" "No, but you may tell her now." "Ah, come in, my dear." "Come in." "I'm very honored to meet you, Your Majesty." " Is something wrong?" " Oh no." "Uh, it's just that you look exactly like someone I know." " Max:" "Ah, your husband?" " No, I'm not married." "Your sweetheart, perhaps?" "Well, um, no, I'd say he's more of a friend." "But a handsome and charming fellow, I'm sure." "Well, not as charming as you are, Your Majesty." "So, 99, you'd throw me over for a mere king?" "Max, it's you!" "I'm so happy to see you!" "You seemed a lot happier when you thought I was the king." "But, Max, how did all this happen?" "KAOS wounded our king." "He is convalescing until the coronation." "So Max is taking his place." "But how?" " Like this." " That's amazing!" "Yes, isn't it?" "Now, secrecy is vital, 99." "If Basil finds out we're CONTROL agents, we've had it." "( as Charles ) Now if you'll excuse me, my dear," "I'm afraid I must leave you." "Duty calls." "99:" "Max, you even sound like a king." "Whatever happened to plain old Maxwell Smart of CONTROL?" "Are you kidding, 99?" "This is just another job to me." "Oh, Max, I'm so proud of you." "( as Charles ) You dare to put your hands on a king?" "Beware of your head, my friend." "( crashes )" "So my brother still lives." "You bungler!" "But this is impossible." "I saw him fall." "He's alive, you fool." "Time is running out." "You must find Charles and kill him." " But how?" " Must I do your thinking for you?" "Get the girl." "That dummy in there will trade Charles for her safety." "And then?" "I may be a half brother, but I do not use half measures." "Kill them both." "Good morning, sire." "I trust you had a refreshing night's sleep." "Splendid, splendid, von Klaus." "How is the king?" "Recovering steadily and safely hidden here in the palace." "( fabric tears )" "So is there anything you need?" "Uh, how about some new drapes?" "And a new robe..." "and a band-aid." "You must be more careful, sire." "You're about to face your greatest test." "Oh, good." "What shall it be this time, von Klaus?" "A little etiquette, some fencing, or a royal joust?" "I'm ready for anything." "Princess Marta desires an audience with her betrothed." "Oh, really?" "Well, do you think that's wise, von Klaus?" "I mean after all, Charles is a very sick man." "Not Charles-- you." "Oh." "Well, in that case, show the princess in." "Hear ye, hear ye: announcing the arrival of Her Royal Highness, daughter of the King of Esterhagen, Duchess of Boravia, lady in waiting to the Dowager Queen of Lichtenstein, heiress apparent to the Barony of Lowengrau," "grand-niece to the Duke of Graustark, first cousin to the Count of Montevideo, third cousin once removed to the Bürgermeister of Cammembrau, the betrothed of King Charles of Caronia," "Her Royal Highness, Princess..." "Marta." "My lord." "Arise, my love." " What happened?" " You fell down the steps." "Exactly." "Charles!" "Before you were always so distant and aloof." ""Distant and aloof"?" "I always thought I was a warm and tender person." "When was I ever distant and aloof?" "Last week at the Royal Ball, remember?" "Oh, yes, of course." "The Royal Ball here at the capital." "No, it was at your summer palace." "You wore a gown of white." "No, I wore blue that night." "Ah, yes." "Now, I remember it well." "Then you and I slipped away from the crowd and went outside." "We strolled the grounds." "We walked your hounds." "We stopped by the fountain for a kiss, I think." "We stopped by the well to give your dogs a drink." "Ah, yes." "now, I remember the well." "Well, enough about the old me." "The new me is a lot more fun." "Max!" "Uh, Your Royal Highness." "You dare to interrupt me in the middle of an affair?" "Of State?" "An urgent matter has arisen, one you must deal with at once or the result will be "KAOS."" ""KAOS," my royal foot!" "KAOS?" "Oh." "Yes, of course." "I'm sorry, my dear, but I'm afraid this will have to wait until later." "Perhaps we can have a little late supper by candlelight." "But, Charles" "( giggles )" "Your Highness, this is important." " What is it, Chief?" " 99 is missing and a messenger brought you this note." "Somehow Basil found out you're an impostor." "He and KAOS will stop at nothing now." ""There is one king too many in Caronia." "We will trade the girl for Charles's whereabouts." "Come to the summer palace at midnight alone."" "I've got to save 99." "But you can't." "The king's life's too important." " He's right, Max." " I'm sorry." "99's life is at stake, and I'm going." "And don't try to tell me that I'm walking into a trap." " You're walking into a trap." " I asked you not to tell me that." "Remember our agreement." "You may try to find Miss 99, but under no circumstances reveal the whereabouts of the king to the KAOS agents." "Right." "Who are the KAOS agents?" "Three men:" "Heinrich of Holtsau, Kukov of Klutzenglaken," "Otto of Ofursengagle." "Heinrich of "Holsbrau," Kukov of "Glutzenhagen,"" "and Otto of, uh... how do you spell "Obenfurstengagle"?" " With two Gs." " With two G-G..." "Now into the palace." "If you need any help, I'll join you." "Right." "You wouldn't care to join me right now, would you?" "lmpossible." "You must enter alone." "What if it's a trap?" "If it's a trap and they cut off your escape, find your way to Basil's chambers." "Behind the fireplace is a passageway leading to the forest." "How does it open?" "There's a panel near the mantel with a candle for a handle." "But before you light the candle, push the panel with your hand, then the mantel will push out and the panel will push in." "But... if you light the candle after you push the panel, then the mantel will push in and the panel will push out." "Right." " Is there another way out?" " You can try the window." "( clears throat )" "Are you ready to bargain, Mr. Smart?" "Who do I have the honor of addressing?" " Heinrich of "Holsbrau"?" " No." " Kukov of "Klutzenburg"?" " No." " Otto of "Oberfurstengagle"?" " I am he." "Hmm." "One out of three, that's not bad." "Well, gentlemen," " what am I offered for the king?" " Safe conduct over the border" " and 300,000 kronen." " For who?" " Otto:" "For you." " And the girl?" "She's with Prince Basil." "Leave her to him." " No deal." "The girl must go free." " All right." "Safe conduct over the border and 500,000 kronen." " For both of us?" " Just the girl." "You stay." "Hmph." "I liked the first deal a lot better." " Is that your final offer?" " It is." "You give us the king and the girl goes free." "Give you the king and the girl goes free." "( chuckling )" "Forget it!" "The bargaining is over with!" "Finished!" "Done!" "Kaput!" " May I ask one question?" " What is it now?" "How do you plan to get out of here?" "Oh." "Uh... could I hear that last offer again?" "All you have to do is lead us to King Charles." "Why can't I just tell you where he is?" " Because you might lie." " I don't lie!" "You'll just have to take my word for it that King Charles is back at the palace." "Thank you." "That's all we wanted to know." "Take him!" "Hold it!" "Gentlemen, please." "Do you think this is fair, three against one?" "Those are the ideal conditions, Mr. Smart." "Splendid, Mr. Smart." "The odds are getting smaller." "Two against one." "That's what you think." "Von Klaus, take them!" "( groans )" "Max, you made it!" "Yes, 99." "And now it's your turn, brother." "Max, don't." "He's an expert swordsman." "That's correct, my dear." "The finest in all Europe-- perhaps the entire world." "And now, I intend to teach you a lesson that you shall not soon forget." "First I shall nick your ears, then your eyes, your nose, your mouth, and your throat." "Then I shall rip the shirt off your back and the trousers off your skinny little legs." " Hey!" " ( groans )" "Well, Max, he certainly did deserve it." "That's right, 99." "He never should have said that about my legs." "The border lies over those hills." "Your friends will be waiting there for you." "We cannot thank you enough for what you've done for our country." "Charles has his rightful place on the throne." "You'll always have a place in my heart." "Take this ring and always remember what might have been." "( as Charles ) Come with me, Marta." "There's a world outside, and a throne, a woman's throne, here in my heart." "I'm afraid it's not as simple as that, my friend." "You see, Marta is a princess, and sometimes duty to a princess is stronger than love." "Then this is goodbye." "But your ring shall always be on my finger and the touch of your lips on mine." "Sometimes fate makes the wrong men kings." "Goodbye, my friend." "( whinnies )" "( hoofbeats recede )" "( theme music playing )"