"What?" "Johnny-boy." "J- boy." "Psst!" "Sweets." "What are you doing, Erik?" "The door was open." "Is there a girl in here?" "I don't see one." "The bathroom." "Is anyone in the bathroom?" "She left." "What a good girl." "I love it when they leave." "What's the matter with you?" "I found a condom." "You know, you do this shit to yourself, Erik." "What do you mean?" "How do I do this shit?" "What the hell are you doing driving all the way out there?" "It's like she wanted me to see it, Johnny." "Well, maybe she did." "So what the hell are you doing?" "I couldn't get in touch with her." "So you drive 400 miles at 2:00 in the morning?" "Yeah." "I wasn't gonna be able to sleep." "You should have been here with us, okay?" "You know how many beautiful women were here?" "It was like a bad Fellini movie." "And what are you doing?" "You're doing 100 miles an hour on the 101 like a stalker with some emo record on repeat for, like, five hours." "Meanwhile, the girl broke up with you six weeks ago." "But we've been talking." "Stop." "No." "You've been talking." "She's been hanging up the phone." "Okay?" "I'm going home." "No, you're not going home." "You're gonna listen to me, all right?" "I love you, clearly more than Jessica does." " Jesus Christ." " What do you want?" "You want the stuff?" "Here's the stuff." "No pulling punches." "I love you." "Stop with this girl." "This is what happens." "Inevitably, this is what happens, bottom line." "Example:" "You drive a million miles at 2:00 in the morning, and what do you get?" "You get true love?" "Fuck, no." "You get a used condom laying in the middle of the fucking living room." "Come on." "Why do you have to be so brutal?" "Then don't ask me, okay?" "You know that the Federal Reserve on Wednesday cut a key interest rate." "Yeah, tune in Berlin, okay?" "I need some help here, man." "Why do you even ask me?" "Seriously." "You write books about love." "Hmm." "You're such a contradiction." "Don't psychoanalyze me." "Okay?" "This is about you." "You are the topic." "And I write about love as I see it, a fantasy, a fable." "It's called fiction for a reason." "It doesn't really exist." "Thank you, love." "You're welcome, Mr. Ryan." "You are unbelievable." "Yeah, you're unbelievable." "Pick up that glass." " What?" " Pick up that glass." "What?" "Toast." "Tonight we celebrate:" "My book and the next chapter of your life." "Oh." "The happy and single period." "To Johnny-boy." "Yay, Johnny-boy." "If you don't mind, I'd like to say a few words." "My name is Dane Harrington, for those of you who may not know me." "Speech, Dane!" "Absolutely." "I'd just like to invite my friend up." "If you'd be so kind, Mr. Ryan." "Please?" "Come here." "Ladies and gentlemen, The kid." "Get on with it already." "Okay." "So there we were." "It was, like, 15 years ago." "It's two high school dropouts, nowhere to go, nothing to do, countless arrests, many institutions, in and out of juvenile hall, and soon to graduate." "And then one day, everything changed." "Just stopped." "No more." ""I'm gonna be a writer," he says." ""No more fights." "No more drugs and alcohol." "I'm gonna write."" ""What are you gonna write about?" I say." ""Women."" "And off he went." "Research." "Here we are, ten years later, book number three." "He works fast." "It's not so bad." "My man, my best friend, Johnny-boy Ryan." "Proud of you." "This is my best friend!" "Give it up!" "Come on!" "Oh!" "Johnny, Johnny." "Have you met the lovely, amazing, beautiful, sexy" "Kelly Lynch?" "I have not, but it is a great pleasure." "Your book is magnificent." "Really." "I think it's your best yet." "It's a best-seller for sure." "Well, let's just hope the reviewers feel the same way." "They will." "What do they know, anyway?" "That being said, I don't care what they say either." "Yes, you do." "Don't be such an agent." "You make me sick." " Kelly." " He's made me sick." "I have to go now." "This is what I have to deal with." "Will I see you later?" "Honey, not in front of the kid." "I had a lovely evening." "Thank you very much." "Pleasure to meet you." "You too." "Mm." "You hitting that?" "I might be." "You son of a bitch." "I've been wanting to crush that since the eighth grade." "Well, jeez, why didn't you say something?" "Three's company." "Oh, that's cute." "I just threw up in my mouth a little bit." "Listen, I better catch up, make sure the husband's not in town this weekend." "Hey, careful." "Reviews come out Tuesday." "Lunch and celebrate?" "I'll call you tomorrow." "Love you." "Hold that for me." "Okay." "I love the book." "Enjoy." "Easy on the sauce, both of you, all right?" "Hey!" "Johnny!" "Whoa." "How does it feel to be the man?" "Balt." "Face looks a little round." "You put on some weight?" "How are you?" "Good." "How are you?" "Look, can I be honest with you?" "Please." "Everybody here is kissing your ass." "It's shit." "You're shit." "The book is shit." "I'm shit." "It's all fucking shit." "All right." "It's good to see you." " Yeah, you too." " Always good." "Hey, good game, man." "Oh." "All right." "Motherfucker." "Please." "We have a red wine and a cosmopolitan." "She'll have a cosmo." "Excuse me." "Sorry." "But do you mind if I borrow the lady for a second?" "Borrow me?" "What?" "Am I a lighter?" "Stop it." "Do you need a drink?" "You know I don't drink." "Then what can I help you with?" "For two weeks now," "I've not stopped relentlessly flirting with you, so I would like some credit." "You want credit?" "Yeah, and some appreciation." "Really?" "Yeah, the effort, the will not to quit, the undying appreciation of your beauty." "So if nothing else, one drink." "One drink alone." "I" " I mean, I think I deserve it." "I have to get back to work." "Uh-uh-uh." "Look at me." "What time?" "2:15." " One drink." " Thank you." "Thank you." "Get back to work." "Come on." "Oh, hey." "There's the kid." "Mingled out?" "Yes, ma'am." "Mm." "Look at her." "What?" "You got that?" "Yep, two weeks." "Look at the seat on her." "Nice." "What?" "I find it to be disgusting, but him, he likes that sort of thing." "I was talking to her earlier, Johnny, and she seems like a very nice girl." "God, I hope that's not true." "No, she is." "Yeah, well, don't start, okay?" "What did I say?" "You didn't say anything." "No, no, what?" "Go ahead." "Say it, Chris." "Don't start, please, the both of you." "He's asking me a question, Dane." "I'm asking her a question, Dane." "Go ahead." " You're 30 years old." " Yeah." "Yeah, that's an unnecessary statement." "We all know this to be true." "I'm 30 years old." "And she, from what I gathered, seemed to be a very nice girl." "Well, from what very little you gathered." "I mean, you two weren't in cheer together, were you?" "True, but I find myself to be a great judge of character." "I find you to be that as well." "So my question- my point is this." "Why not get her phone number?" "Call her." "Take her out to dinner." "Entertain the possibility of spending more than an evening in your cave." " Honey..." " It's fine." "Sorry, your room." "Are you done?" "Are you going to answer my question?" " In detail." " Okay, great." "But first, if she's such a nice girl, then what the hell is she doing coming to my room at 2:30 in the morning?" "Check." "Because you're charming, and she probably wants to hang out with you." "And play chess at 3:00 a." "M?" "Maybe." "Maybe not." "That's not the point, anyway." "No, the point is, this is not about her;" "This is about me." "You say nice girl." "I say, for what?" "Pain?" "Tears?" "Marriage?" "Divorce?" "It's not my thing." "You two, on the other hand, found something very special." "No, that's not what you said." "Just shut up and go back to sleep, okay?" "Unprecedented and special." "I'm just saying, I don't think it's on sale." "And even if it was, I'm not buying." "But that's all gonna change." "You are so wrong." "And when it does, it's gonna be too late." "Hey, hey, that's cruel." "That's unfair." "Whatever." "And for the record, she's a nice girl." "And after she's had her drink- which I'm sure you assured her was all you wanted her to have- she's gonna leave." "You wanna bet?" "Yes." "What?" "20 bucks?" "Make it a 50." "What do you know?" "She's a nice Christian girl." "Ha!" "Really?" "Okay, make it $100." "Bet." "You, come with me." "Get up." "Come on." "Put that down." "You don't need that ever again." "Come on." " Really?" " Careful." " Ow." " Unacceptable." "Christian..." "Gonna find you some happiness." "Bye, Erik." "You're placing bets on my friend getting laid or not?" "What's the matter with you?" "He's not getting laid." "You're a filthy, naughty girl." "You are a filthy, naughty boy." "Is that right?" " Thank you." " Thank you." "I don't want to." "Johnny, I don't want this." "Listen." "You are in no condition to know what it is you want right now." "Yuh-huh." "I want a drink." "All right, look at the brunette, standing there all alone just waiting for you." "Oh, no, that's a Republican." "Fucking conservative." "Okay, look at the two blondes." "Look at 'em." "Those are lesbians." "They are not lesbians." "Okay, we move on." "Look around." "There's got to be something you like." "Come on." "I want to get a drink." "Would you stop with the drink?" "Stop it." "Look." "What do we got?" "What do we have?" "Uh, I'm gonna go get a drink now, okay?" "Okay, yeah, go ahead." "I'll be down there in a minute." "Really?" "Yeah, go ahead." "All right." "Down there in a minute." "Loved the book." "Okay, we can do the hiking that I already talked about." "Then we'll just catch a flick before." "Yeah, that'll be good." "I'll bring the dogs, and, okay, hopefully it's nice." "Hi." "Hello." "I think I'm gonna use the little girls' room." "Yeah." "I'll come with you, I think." "Whoa, whoa, wait a minute." "Excuse me?" "Well, I just wanted to ask you a couple questions." "Okay." "And you are?" "I'm Johnny." "Johnny Ryan." "And?" "Oh, um, no, I just thought that, um..." "What?" "You thought what?" "Well, this is sort of my party." "Oh, okay." "I mean, it's not really my party, per se." "The party is for me, so..." "Uh-huh." "I'm sorry." "You are, um..." "Staying at the hotel." "Right." "Right." "Makes sense." "I'm gonna use the bathroom." "I'll be back." "Okay." "Yeah, go ahead." "What was your question?" "Sorry." "Questions." "Okay, let's start over." " Okay." " Okay?" "Because somehow something went wrong." "I was just standing over there." "Uh-huh." "And I saw you." "And you are without a doubt the most beautiful woman" "I have ever seen in my entire life." "So I'm coming over to say hello." "Uh, I'm Johnny." "Hello..." "Mercy." "Mercy." "That's a joke, right?" "Okay, how many times this week have you told someone that they were the most beautiful woman you've ever seen in your life?" "You know what?" "I can't remember." "Oh." "Doesn't surprise me." "But I will tell you something." "It doesn't matter, because I have not meant it until just now." "Oh." "Can I get you two something?" "Uh, she's good." "Um, um..." "I'm not thirsty." "Sister?" "Yeah, actually." "That's a really good guess." "I can see the similarity." "Uh, what can I do for you, Johnny?" "Let's, uh, let's relax." "Do you want a cigarette?" "Cancer?" "Huh." "No, thanks." "I'm actually out here because I don't like cigarette smoke." "It's like a European coffee shop in there." "You know what?" "You are so right." "I love it when a woman is right." "I hate crowds." "Just awful." "No intimacy." "Oh, but isn't this your party?" "It is." "So what are we celebrating?" "Uh, well, I just finished a book." "Hmm." "Congratulations." "Thank you." "You read much?" "I do, actually." "Um, I'm also a writer." "Oh, wow." "Look at that." "Yeah." "That's great." "So you were saying?" "I was saying..." "Intimacy." "No intimacy." "Um, crowds." "Too much-too much stuff." "Don't you agree?" "Well, I guess I don't disagree." "Fantastic." "So how about it?" "How about what?" "How about you and I alone for a drink, my room." "No, uh, no crowds." "No smoke." "Intimacy." "Well, thank you, but no." "Just like that?" "I was being polite." "You were being hasty." "What do you want, the truth?" "Yeah, please." "Hmm." "Okay." "Well, you are teetering- teetering on charming." "But the polite version of, "You must be high" ""if you think that after talking to you for two minutes" "I'm just gonna go to your room with you and get intimate,"" "is, "Thank you, but no."" "But good luck with all that, you know?" "Mercy, you said, huh?" "Yup." "Well, it was, um... lovely to meet you." "Likewise." "Enjoy your stay at the hotel." "Thank you." "You win." "Good night." "Look at the young man, bright as can be, a vision in that suit, you are." "Sweets." "So?" "You're scaring me." "Tell me something, please." "L.A. Weekly:" "Rave." "L.A. Times:" "Rave." "Come on." "Variety:" "Rave." "Variety?" "I couldn't believe it." "I mean, I could because I agree, but usually they're like caged animals ready to eat their young." "They use words like powerful, delightful, some others I can't even pronounce." "Read it." "Reading it." "It's amazing." "What else?" "What else?" "Raves." "Rave." "Raves, raves, all raves." "Except one." "Huh?" "Mm." "Doesn't even matter." "One review." "Not good?" "Uh, it's a- it's a bashing, actually." "And it is The New York Arts, the most prominent literary magazine in the world." "But who cares?" "Fuck those pretentious assholes." "Fuck 'em." "Did you say "bashing"?" "Yeah, it's-it's not good." "Let me see it." "It doesn't even matter." "It's one bad review." "Everything else is perfect." "It's a best seller for sure." "Did you look at this?" "I read it." ""Johnny Ryan writes without life." ""His stories emanate from a void" ""with no remnants of any actual life experience." ""Childish at best." ""I felt"" ""I felt as if I was reading the diary of a young girl in high school minus the depth."" "What the fuck?" "Would you stop?" "Who cares?" "Was it written by a woman?" "Huh?" "It was." "Written by an angry woman." "Please, stop." "Stop." "Mercy, Mercy..." "Son of a-Mercy." "Mercy." "What?" "I have to go." "I thought we were" "Thank you." "Excuse me." "Dr. Anderbakke is gonna be arriving in 20 minutes." "He's VIP, and I need that to be taken care of." "Hey, Margaret." "Hi." "Can I ask you a really big favor?" "Who is it?" "Room service." "Well, hello." "Do me a favor, if you could, and explain that." " How do you mean?" " How do I mean?" "Well, you didn't tell me you were a critic." "I told you I was a writer." "But you're not a writer." "You're a critic, a critic doing a piece on my book, which you also failed to mention." " So?" " So you lied." "I didn't lie." "I just avoided telling you something." "Well, that's the same thing." "Well, I disagree." "You wrote this because I hit on you, and you thought I was repulsive." "Uh, wrong again." "Well, then explain." "I didn't think you were repulsive." "Then why the bashing?" "Because I didn't like the book." "No, I don't buy it." "I propositioned you." "You felt disrespected, and then you wrote this, this filth." "Well, for your information, when I met you, I'd already handed in my review." "And I didn't lie." "I just avoided telling you what I did and what I had done for obvious reasons." " Fine." " Didn't like the book." " Fine." " Nothing personal." " Great." " I'm sure you'll be fine." "Mercy, huh?" "Mm-hmm." "You know what?" "You call yourself a writer, right?" "Then you stand to be judged like the rest of us." "Am I right?" "I suppose so." "Then I would like to criticize you." "Well, I think you've done that already." "No, no, no, in depth." "Oh." "Yeah, I would like to discuss with you my book." "Hmm." "Okay." "Okay?" "Yeah." "Okay." "Available any time this evening?" "I could be." "Is this a date?" "A date?" "No." "No." "Fine." "Wait a" "Shit." "I mean, all weekend long, I'm sitting in my room, curled up in a little ball, praying to God that she would just call and say, "I'm sorry"" "and that everything's gonna be all right." "Then all of a sudden, my prayers are answered." "She calls and does just that." "Now what?" "I'm supposed to just pretend like I don't give a fuck?" "Tell her I can't speak to her?" "Something's just wrong about that." "You know, it's, like, sacrilegious or something." "It's like I'd be fucking with God." "I mean, I ask him for something, and then when he gives it to me, I turn it down." "It's like smacking God in the face." "You can't smack God in the face." "I don't even know why, and I know I shouldn't, but I trust her." "For some reason or another, man, I believed her." "I don't know what it's like to shoot dope or anything, but that's what it felt like." "The sweat dried up." "The pain went away." "It's like I could feel her." "You know, her voice through the phone was like this intravenous injection of some medicine that made my bones work again." "I mean, they weren't working." "You know, I woke up the other day, fell on my face." "You know, 20-something years of a task that seemed so simple, out the window." "One foot in front of the other became, like, this fucked-up Rubik's Cube, and there I am, facedown on my hardwood floor trying to figure it out." "I just don't want to look back on my life with regret." "I don't want to be stubborn and then at the end of the day feel like I should have done the thing that I felt like doing in the first place, but my pride or ego got in the way." "Then what?" "It's too late, she's gone, and guess what, man?" "It's your own stupid fault." "But at least I have my pride?" "Fuck that." "Pride's overrated, and pain's a son of a bitch." "I think I really love this girl, and I think she might be the one." "I mean, people make mistakes." "Excuse me for a second." "What the hell's the matter with you?" "What do you mean?" "Where are you at?" "I'm just thinking." "Well, please, share." "Hello?" "No disrespect, Erik." "I clearly know what it is you're thinking." "Do you guys think I have depth?" "Sure, you got depth." "What does that mean?" "I went on a date last night." "Really?" "It didn't start as a date, but then it turned into a date." "Really, really beautiful woman." "She's a critic, and she, uh- she hated my book." "Mm, fuck her." "Well, yeah, but she made some interesting points, something about life experience and how it lacked truth." ""Love without love," she said." "It's funny, you know, usually when women speak," "I can only hear the teacher from Peanuts." "But with her, I just- I don't know." "I heard her and listened to her for hours and hours." "We talked about other stuff, not just the book." "Okay, I'm going home." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Listen to me for a second, okay?" "Listen, Erik, you can talk till you're blue in the face, and there's nothing he or I can say that's gonna influence you even a little bit." "So stop it." "You know what you're gonna do at the end of the day, so just shut up and do it." "You really think you love this girl?" "Then what the fuck?" "Give it another shot." "Did I just say that?" "It's not gonna work." "She's a woman." "You're a man." "Fuck her." "Don't ever call her ever again." "That better?" "When you gonna see this girl again?" "Don't laugh at me, or I'm gonna take that rose back." "You wouldn't." "Thank you." "Get you a drink." "What do you want?" "Uh, you're kidding, right?" "I'm not trying to get you drunk and sleep with you." "We're gonna watch The Outsiders, 'cause it's a sin you've never seen it, and then I'm gonna take you back to the hotel." "I swear to God." "What?" "You've lived here for five years." "Oh, um, simplicity." "Oh." "Simplicity." "I see." "Is that what it is?" "Well, I think you need to complicate things immediately." "It's so cold in here." "Cold?" "You want heat?" "I got heat." "Oh, no, not temperature cold." "I mean empty cold." "I mean, it's such a cute place, but you could really do with some color." "You know, some life, some things." "I'm sorry." "Am I offending you?" "No." "Drink?" "Yeah, water's great." "Thanks." "Is that even a real stove?" "I mean, each to their own and everything, but how do you live?" "Well, um, I eat out a lot." "And I stay at hotels a lot of the time, and I have really bad taste in furniture." "Oh." "I see." "That's cute." "Have a seat." "Well, I think you have a wonderful place." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "My purse." "You okay?" "Your purse?" "You all right?" "Yeah." "Sorry." "Don't be sorry." "You all right?" "Yeah." "I'm severely asthmatic." "Bad air, too much exercise." "Anxiety." "And sometimes they just come out of nowhere, which is great." "That's the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life." "No, I'm sorry, but that's amazing." "Yeah, well, stick around, 'cause it gets better." "Okay." "I can't believe I've never seen this movie." "I told you." "It's really good." "I always thought it was such a guy movie." "Well, it sort of is." "It sort of isn't." "All those tough guys?" "Just a bunch of scared little kids who want a hug." "Is that what you think?" "Yeah." "What do you think?" "I think you may have missed the point." " Oh, really?" " Yeah." "Hmm." "You're a walking contradiction." "You know that?" " I'm a-me?" " Yeah." "How-why's that?" "Well, you're a gentleman." "You know, you open the door, you throw the jacket in the mud, but you take back the rose." "You're charming, but you're careful." "You write about love, but, um, you don't know how to spell it." "Talk." "What are you?" "It's good." "That's it?" "Well, it's only a few pages." "No, it's a chapter." "Well, I said it was good." "I don't do this, you know?" "You don't do what?" "I don't check in." "Meaning?" "I usually don't seek out approval." "Is that what you're doing?" "Well, I respect your opinion." "You do?" "Yes, I do." "Tell me what you think, and don't say, "It's good."" "Well..." "I think that shirt you're wearing makes your eyes pop out of your head like a spaceship." "Thank you." "I think it's good." "I'm just not sure what you're writing about now." "Thank you." "Jesus, that's all I wanted to hear." " That's all you wanted?" " Yeah." "Why didn't you just say so?" "'Cause I was waiting for you to ask." "Oh." "Complicated." "Difficult." "Oh, yeah?" "Pray tell." "I like you." "I like you too." "So this character..." "You." "This character." "Okay, fine." "All right, very strange upbringing, raised by wolves, not literally, but raised by his single father who appears to hate women." "He's a class-act, this guy, right, despite the above." "True gentleman, just been burned one too many times." "He teaches the young man everything he knows despite his seemingly true feelings:" "Romance, chivalry, the whole thing." "But contrarian of that, the way of the wolf." "And wolves hate women." " That's a fact." " Of course." "Now, he's been told all his life about the evil ways of women- the bad doings, what have you- but simultaneously, he's taught to be a ladies' man." "What does he see?" "He sees his mother." "What is she?" " She's terrible." " Right." "You know, I think that Freud already wrote this one." "In fact, he wrote a few of them." "Yeah, but this is a love story." "Oh, I see." "Yeah." "So then what happens?" "I don't know yet." "It's only the first chapter." "One-one Mallards on one." "Ready?" "All:" "Break!" "Down." "Hut!" "Get him!" "There he goes!" "Go, go!" " Ah, get him!" " Oh!" "All right!" "All right, all right." "Aw, we'll sit one out." "Sitting one out." "Run five, yeah?" "Come on, you pussies." "Shut up, bitch." "Let's go." "Let's go!" "Ah." "I can't breathe." "Bogie?" "Oh..." "Hut, hut!" "There he is!" "Get him!" "Come on!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "I got it!" "Go, go, go!" "Get him!" "You hit like a bitch." "Bitch." "My ribs!" "You seeing that girl?" "What girl?" "Do me a favor." "I haven't seen you for two weeks." "You fucking her?" "Oh, excuse me." "I mean, that would be so unlike you." "You know what?" "I don't even want to talk about it." "Oh!" "Hey, douche bag!" "It's a football!" "Don't be scared of it." "Just catch it!" "All right, hop up." "No way, man!" "What are you talking about?" " What?" " What?" "What, what?" "Speak, you little prick." "What's the problem?" "There's no problem." "She's going back to New York in a couple days anyway." " Ah, she lives in New York?" " Yeah." "Aw, that's too bad." "It is what it is." "You know what's good?" "No, what?" "That I don't have to sit here and give you some sentimental bullshit story about life, some lecture, waste my time telling you some bullshit that you already know." "Set." "Offsides." "It's good." "You're a smart guy." "You're smarter than me, so fortunately, I don't have to say anything." "Or better yet, you see that girl?" "She's a nice-looking girl." "Maybe you could walk over there, get her number, and you could fuck her tonight." "And then you could spend the rest of the evening trying to figure out how to get her to leave." "Sounds like fun, doesn't it?" "Pass!" "No, it's a run!" "It's a run!" "He's going outside!" "Yeah!" "Come on." "Play defense, Janice, or what?" "Uh-Oh!" "Turnover, bitch!" "Hey!" "What?" "Huh?" " I said, "Are you?"" " Yes, I am." "You think that's important?" " Don't get snappy with me." " Are you impressed?" " I'll make you eat cannoli." " Oh, ew." "Please." "Please." "It's good." "Oh..." "Here." "I'm sorry." "Oh, great." "That was mean." "I'm sorry." "I won't do that again." "Yeah, that's really funny." "I won't." "This time I won't." "I promise." "I swear to God." "Do it again." "Have a bite of the cannoli." "I promise." "I'll close my eyes." "Eat it." "I'm leaving tomorrow." "I know." "Fun trip." "Well, this is me." "I know." "Can I come in for a little bit?" "What for?" "Sorry." "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean it like that." "Yes." "Of course." "You can come in for a little bit." "Don't go back to New York." "Stay with me." "What?" "Stay here." "Look at me." "I have never met a woman that I've wanted to spend ten minutes with, let alone ten days, okay?" "I don't know what's gonna happen, but I just know I don't want you to go." "I don't even know what's happening right now, because I have nothing to compare it to, but just stay." " I can't just do that." " Why not?" "I don't know." "If you leave, I'll kill you." "Me too." "My man." "My man!" "¿Uno más?" "I don't speak Spanish, amigo." "What can I do for you?" "I don't know." "I really don't know." "What can you do for me?" "Buddy, come on." "You want a drink or not?" "You got a lady, bro?" "What?" "You heard what I asked you." "Yeah, yeah, I got a lady, bro." "Now, do you want a drink or not?" "She cute?" "She take good care of you or what?" "Don't turn your back on me when I'm talking to you." "Come here." "Hey, man, am I missing something here?" "You got a problem with me?" "Well, you just seem really happy, you know?" "All smiles and shit all night long." "Shitty job like this, and you're smiling all night." "I'm thinking to myself, this guy has got to have a nice female at home waiting for him." "So no problem." "I'm just-I'm just asking if that's the case." "You know what I mean?" "All right, I see." "What happened?" "Your girl left you?" "She fucking someone else, huh?" "What do you think you would do, as a man, you know?" "What do you think you'd do if I leaned over this bar and put this cigarette out right in your fucking neck, huh?" "You know what?" "Get the fuck out of here." " Fuck you!" " Yeah, fuck me, yeah." "Fucking piece of shit." "You know what?" "I'm sorry." "One more thing." "I just gotta " " Yeah, what's that, tough guy?" "What the fuck?" "Right here." "They told me you didn't want out." "What's that?" "When I called to make bail, they said you denied it." "I told them you were mentally unstable and I was your lawyer, and if they didn't let you go," "I was gonna make a big deal out of the thing or something." "What?" "Nothing?" "Got nothing to say?" "I don't know." "What do you want me to say?" "Nothing." "You want me to take you home?" "No." "You wanna come to my place?" "No." "Chris isn't there." "What is that supposed to mean, Dane?" "I don't know what it means, Johnny." "You just said it completely out of context, Dane, so I'm asking you what it meant." "Well, it wasn't completely out of context." "I thought you might want to be alone." "Why?" "Why would I want to be alone?" "I got into a fight." "What's the big deal?" "Get off my back." "What?" "You wanna get in another one?" "I'll pull over right now, you little fuck." "Don't start with me." "Look, I don't know what you want." "I come down here." "I bail you out." "You're trying to pick a fight with me?" "I can't read your fucking mind." "You don't talk to me anymore about shit." "What do you want me to do?" "Pull over." "Just pull the fuck over." "Fine." "This what you wanna do with me?" "You're the one who just said it in the car, not me." "What the fuck is the matter with you?" "I fucking miss her so much, and I don't know what I'm doing." "I'm sorry." "Come in." "Here." "Thank you." "I just grabbed a bunch of shit." "I didn't know what you needed." "Just gonna be a couple days, so..." "But thank you." "No, you should stay a while." "Let Chris pamper you." "Good food." "Good company." "Well, Dane's here, so... food, good food." "See what happens." "I got your typewriter in the car." "You want me to go grab it?" "No, I don't need it." "Thank you, though." "I'll get it just in case." "I just said I don't need it." "Well, I brought it, so I might as well..." "How about you throw it out on the fucking freeway?" "Done." "You should be using a computer anyway, you pretentious fuck." "Thank you for bringing me my stuff." "No problem." "Ready?" "You know what?" "I'm gonna sit this one out." "Aw, come on!" "You see this?" "She doesn't have a drink." "She doesn't have a drink." "Go and ask them if they want any drinks." "You got to stock the cooler at night." "You can't charge people $8 for a warm beer at 7:00." "Sorry, Dane." "Come on." "Christa, how you doing?" "I don't even know why I'm here." "If you didn't want me to come, you should have just said that." "Aw." "Of course, he wanted you to come." "You know, when you're not here, he always goes," ""Oh, God, I wish Jessica was here."" "You don't need to hear that shit tonight, right?" "Who needs a drink?" "Yeah, let me get a scotch." "Erik?" "I'll be right back." "You gonna bring him a scotch?" "Don't start, Erik." "What the fuck are you offering him drinks for?" "What do you want me to do- he's a grown-ass man- tell him he can't have a drink?" "He's fine." "Hey." "Don't I know you?" "I don't know, do you?" "Yeah, um, I'm Heather." "Roosevelt Hotel, a year ago." "I was working there." "I'm sorry." "No, no, no, wait." "What?" "One drink." "One drink?" "One drink." "Yeah." "That's right." "You owe me one." "So come find me." "Okay?" " Okay." " Okay." "I just moved in a couple of months ago, so don't say anything." "Simplicity's good." "So should we have a drink?" "It's a little late for that." "Stay there." "Is it me?" "Do you want me to do something?" "Fuck." "It's not working." "No." "Keep going." "I'm sorry." "I got to go." "Well, that's a first." "What did you just say?" "Hmm?" "Nothing." "No, that's a true story." "Hey, guys." "Excuse me for a second." "What are you doing?" "Nothing." "What are you doing?" "Where you been at?" "I was taking a walk." "I saw your car was here." "I thought you were taking a nap, so..." "But then I realized you weren't here." "I'm a half an hour late." "Yeah, I know, but I thought you were here, which would have given me time to explain." "Explain what?" "Well, there's nothing really to explain." "Who's that?" "She's a friend of Chris'." "They, uh-they work together." "Super nice lady." "Oh, I'll see you later." "Johnny." "Stop." "Look, it's not a date." "All right?" "It's not even not a date." "It's nothing." "Chris invited her over to have dinner." "That's it." "She's really hot, though." "She is." "But that doesn't matter, because it's not a date." "All right?" "So just sit, have dinner." "Don't worry." "I'll do all the talking." "You don't have to say a word." "Such an asshole." "Wait, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen." "So his father, along with being one of the smartest, was also one of the scariest human beings on the planet Earth." " Mm-hmm." " No disrespect." "I love the guy." "It's just- well, it's a heavy combination." "I mean, he had hands like grapefruits." "He looked at you funny, and you start to cry." "You'd start to cry." "Whatever, tough guy." "Anyway, so we're at this pool hall down on Fairfax." "Yeah." "Just down the street from here." "Well, to make a long story short, we start a riot." "We picked a fight with, what, two or three guys?" "Turns out to be half the pool hall." "Before you know it, one thing leads to another, and we're fighting, like, seven frat boy jag-offs." " Mouth." " What?" "Come on." "We have a lady guest here." "What did I say?" "Jag-offs?" "What's the matter with jag-off?" "There's nothing wrong with jag-off." " Thank you." " Sure." " Thank you." " You're welcome." "Jag-off." "Anyway, bottles are flying." "Chairs are getting smashed." "Boom." "This guy's like De Niro in Mean Streets, jumping up on tables, whacking people with fucking pool cues." "What?" "It didn't happen?" "It didn't happen?" "It's not true?" "It's true." "Yeah." "Okay." "Anyway we- so we get out of there." "I don't know how, but somehow we escape." "And we're running." "And we're running back home." "We get to his house." "Bang." "And there he is, standing in the doorway, his old man." "He's like a shadow." "He's like a massive, black shadow of pain." "The second I saw him, my first thought was to run back to the pool hall, because I thought we'd have a better shot back there, but I didn't." "Very calm, very relaxed, he leans in." "He says, "You been fighting again?"" "He's like, "No, Dad, I swear to God."" "Right?" "Turns to me and goes, "Is that right?"" "I'm like, "Ha." "Yeah, Mr. Ryan." "Why would you think that, you know?"" ""No reason." ""Just tell me one thing." "Where'd you get that knife?"" "I'm like, "What knife?"" "Completely confused, right?" "He says, "That knife, the one stuck in the back of your fucking leg."" "Swear to God!" "Off to the hospital we went." "12 stitches in my fucking leg." "He probably got beat." "I did, I did, but not for fighting;" "For lying." "Not for fighting." "That makes complete sense, I think." "It does." "Yeah." "It sounds like our fathers should go bowling together." "My father used to put boxing gloves on my two brothers if they had any problems and just let them go at it." "That also makes sense to me." "All right, all right." " Sounds fair." " Sounds good." "For them, but not for me." "My father's very old-fashioned, you know." "A lady's a lady." "A man's a man." "Also makes sense." "It does, but not if you want to kill one of your little brothers." "And I did on a regular basis." "So one time, I insisted." "I told my father, if he didn't let me box, that I would go and kill Timmy in the middle of the night." "I would have let you box after that." "Well, it got me in the ring." "So we go into the backyard." "And he was sure I was gonna change my mind as soon as we actually got in the ring, but I'd been wanting this." "There's no way I'm backing down, right?" "So we're in there, right?" "We got gloves on." "We got headgear, mouthpiece." "I'm done up." "Right?" "And my father's just stalling." "He keeps looking at me, you know, like," ""Robin, please." "Enough is enough." "Just call it off."" "Finally, I just exploded." "I go running at my brother across the ring, right?" "And my father, he swings in there." "He picks me up right before I could even land one punch." "No!" "That's not right!" "No, that's completely unfair." "It's not fair at all." "Not at all." "It's so not cool." "So actually, that night- that night, after everybody went to sleep," "I, uh..." "I did." "I" " I stabbed my little brother Timmy." "I thought about it, anyway." "Fantastic finish." "That was a good one." "That was good, because I seriously got swept into it." "Well done." " Didn't I tell you?" " Don't." " I'm not." " I know." " Just saying." " I know." "Well?" "They're good." "Right?" "Yeah, don't." "Come on." " Don't." " Come on." "I mean, I guess it depends upon where you go, right?" "I think there's great people here." "I do too." "It's like anywhere, right?" "There's good people." "There's bad people." "True." "You got to find the right ones." "It's true, true." "You lived here your whole life?" "Mm-hmm." "Pretty much, yeah." "Yeah?" "Family's here?" "Um..." "I'm sorry." "No, no, I'm just- I'm messing with you." "Really?" "Come on." "What?" "No, I honestly haven't spoken to my mother since I was a little kid, haven't seen her or spoken to her, and my father and I don't speak too much either, but he's around." "That's kind of it for family for me." "Okay." "Yeah." "You ever been to Chicago?" " I have." " Yeah?" "I have, yeah." "I was there once." "I was on a layover on my way to New York, and I went outside, and I smoked a cigarette, and it was freezing cold." "Yeah." "Well, there's a lot more to it than being cold." "Like what?" "That's part of it, though, for sure." "Like what?" "Like the food, the people, the city." "I don't know." "You know, it's home, you know?" "If it's home, why did you leave?" "It's a long story." "You're good at those." "Really?" "You are good at them." "Okay." "L- no, I'm- I was complimenting you." "Okay." "I was saying that, and that's an art, which you've learned well, and you're good at it." "So please, tell me another long story." "Come on." "Okay." "I was married, married my high school sweetheart." "And we grew up about three blocks away from each other." "And we got married at a church about three blocks away from that." "And then we lived in a house together about three blocks away from the church where we got married." "So basically, my whole life was spent in a ten-block radius with the same person, and he passed away a few years ago." "So it was just too much, you know?" "Just couldn't stay." "Could you, um- could you just excuse me for a second?" "Sure." "What's up?" "What happened?" "Hey, Pop." "Want to have a drink?" "Yeah, it was amazing." "Huh." "What?" "I'm just listening." "Huh." "It was amazing." "Amazing." "You know, I would tell them that you were this anomaly and that you would pick the right book because of the warmth and the scent." "And all these bullshit intellectuals gathered to discuss Proust." "And here they are just watching you so closely, like you had this supernatural gift." "I don't know why I can't remember any of this." "How could you forget that?" "I don't know." "I mean, it was our best act." "Pretty much our only act, but we owned the room." "I don't remember." "Well, I don't- well, maybe because you were seven or eight." "I still don't see how you can't remember." "Anyway, here's what happened." "I'd line up seven or eight books, tell you to leave the room." "Then you'd leave the room, and I'd grab one them, say, "Put your hand on any book, one book for five seconds."" "They'd do that, and I'd call you back in the room." "You'd come in all serious, and you'd play it to the hilt." "And then you'd come out and inspect the books really carefully, and then you'd grab this person's hand, and you'd smell it, and you'd feel the hand, and you'd feel the book." "And you handled the books with such care." "It was great." "And then I just waited until you touched the right book." "And then you would take a drag off your cigarette with your left hand." " No, no, no, no." " Yeah." " No." " No, what do you mean?" "That was not the signal." "It was much more subtle than that." "No, you" " Any blind man could see that I switched hands." "You switched!" "That's a big, physical move." "That's what it was." "I never switched." "Stop." "The signal was that when you touched the right book," "I would take a puff from the right side of my mouth, or I would just leave it hanging from the right side." "Little subtle, okay?" "I was just saying that I remembered, is all." "It came back to me." "Well, you should." "I mean, those people went nuts." "I mean, they thought you were this unprecedented wizard." "That is amazing." "No, it was great." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah, most kids my age were watching cartoons, and I was sitting around watching you guys break down Dante's Inferno." "Right." "Absurd waste of time." "I think the real fun was getting drunk and beating the shit out of my colleagues." "I remember that too." "Yeah, well, well." "Well." "That was then." "This is now." "So..." "Wait." "Go ahead." "Go ahead what?" "Ask me." "Ask you what?" "We've been sitting here long enough." "I'm sure you're dying of curiosity, so go ahead and ask." "John boy, hold on." "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about." "Ask me what happened." "Ask me where she is." "Ask..." "Allow me to be a little more than honest here, my son." "Probably the last thing on my mind was to ask you that." "See, I was- you know, I was just figuring on a couple drinks, a few laughs." "That's all." "I'd rather it if, uh, we just keep it easy here." "Okay." "It's fine." "Fine." "That's great." "I see." "That's great." "Just keep it easy." "Okay." "Okay." "Well..." "Okay." "All right, then." "To the inevitable." "The truth." "You, um- you did seem happy, John." "I didn't want to say anything, you know, because I knew, sooner or later, you'd find out." "It's just not gonna work." "Now, see, funny- funny thing is that" "I almost believed you." "And I almost remembered feeling the way you felt about your mother." "You know the feeling, that everything, one way or another, was going to be just swell just as long as we had each other." "But yet here we are." "Love is a myth." "Unfortunately, it does not exist." "It's so good." "How long has he lived up here?" "Ah, about ten years, I think." "Oh." "Hey." "You okay?" "Yeah." "Look, I don't know much, because you don't tell me." "And to tell you the truth, I don't care, because I only care about you and what's best for you." "But we must have come up here for a reason." "I just want him to meet you." "Okay." "Simple." "Let's do it." "I don't get much company, so I'm sorry for the mess." "The maid comes January 15th." "Don't worry about it." "I worry." "Prettiest woman I've ever seen sitting there." "She probably thinks I'm an animal." "I don't think you're an animal." "Well, I'm not." "Would you cover her eyes for just a moment, please?" "Cover her eyes." "Cover her eyes?" "Okay." "Just a second." "Fine." "I'm actually a prince." "I've just been out of character for a few years." "Are you sure I can't get you something to drink?" "Oh, no, I'm fine." "Thank you." "John boy?" "Uh, I haven't had a drink in seven years, Pop." "I quit smoking too." "Wait." "You don't drink, and you don't smoke." "How in God's name do you work?" "Speaking of which, how are those awful romantic novels that you write?" "I'm just kidding him." "We sort of tease each other." "No, no, no, no." "It's fine." "How's grading other people's work?" "That going good?" "Ah." "A dastardly gash to the abdomen." "He is correct." "A waste of one of the greatest talents of all time, yours truly." "Tell her, John." "That's true." "He is something else." "No." "I am something." "This is true." "But this woman right here, she is something else." "I say keep her, my boy, or I will steal her from where she sits." "I challenge you to a duel for the heart of the young princess." "I'm no match for you, Pop." "This is true." "My lady." "I'm afraid my heart's already taken, Mr. Ryan." "A real gem." "Can I use your restroom?" "Yes, yes, indeed, but please, don't touch anything." "It could be detrimental to your very being." "So that would be the second door on the left, past the second pile of something or other on the right." "Okay." "I'll find it." "Very well." "Hmm." "Mm." "So..." "How you been?" "Shitty." "You?" "I've been good." "It's been a long time." "Yeah." "A few years." "At least." "Yeah." "Well, this one, she's got you good, huh?" "Be careful." "I didn't come here for that." "Oh, sure you did." "Nope." "Nope." "I just wanted you to meet her." "Why?" "You think you love her?" "Yeah, I know I do." "So what?" "What does that mean?" "I don't know." "I don't know." "Why don't you tell me?" "No, no, you tell me." "Me telling you would be pointless, now, wouldn't it?" "Okay." "Well, never met anyone like her." "Again, so what?" "She is amazing." "Well, so am I." "I love being with her." "Check, please." "She is the last thing that I ever wanted, and since meeting her," "I wouldn't be able to tell you who I was without her." "Well, there you go." "I felt that way about your mother." "Ah." "You're beautiful." "I love it when you tell me that." "Then I'll tell you every day." "What if you miss a day?" "I won't." "What if you're far away and the phones don't work?" "Then I'll scream." "What?" "Okay." "I'm late." "I love you." "I love you too." "Call me when you're done." "I'll come back and grab you." "Okay." "Hey." "You're beautiful." "I love you." "Morning, handsome." "Look at the young man." "A glow about him." "Ah." "See that shit?" "I do." "Sit." "Ah." "The book." "Wow." "Straight to biz, huh?" "You know my style." "I do, but I also have news." "Book, then news." "News, then book." "Mm, no." "Okay, go ahead." "I didn't get it." "Is he a child, or is he an adult?" "Well, he's, uh-he's both." "Literally, he's an adult, but he's a child in the sense that he's getting another chance at his childhood, like a do-over." "So yes, he's an adult, but he is still like a child." "But he's a man." "He's a man, yeah." "Still don't get it." "Don't worry." "It's all gonna come together." "Fine." "I trust you." "Yeah." "News." "News." "You're gonna look amazing in a tuxedo." "Oh." "Oh, no." "No." "I don't believe it." "Hold on." "Hello?" "This is he." "What did you do to me?" "What did you do this to me for?" "You want it?" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Come on, all you fucks!" "Love... is a myth." "Bedtime story." "Unfortunately, it does not exist." "And the minute you catch yourself thinking that it does, well, it's just a question of time before you realize the hard fact of life." "We just don't mix." "Fuck her, son." "Fuck her, wherever she is, so deeply filled with sorrow and regret." "But, uh... fuck your mother too." "You're wrong, Pop." "You're wrong." "So?" "What the fuck do they know, anyway?" "Morons." "They know not what they do." "They just do." "Sheep." "That good, huh?" "Mixed." "Not terrible, not great." "It'll do all right." "What do you think?" "I think it'll do all right." "Just don't go put a Ferrari on your AmEx." "You'll be fine." "We'll be fine." "No, what do you think about the book?" "I told you what I thought, and it doesn't matter." "I didn't get it." "But look at me." "I'm shallow." "I lack depth." "I like popcorn and happy endings." "I like you." "You're happy, I'm happy." "I think it'll do all right." " Mmm." " Animal." "Can you wait till I go put it down, please?" "Please." "I love it when she's mean to me." "Okay." "Go." "Entertain." "Johnny, I need to talk to you." "What?" "I just got to talk to you for a second." "About what?" "It's no big deal." "Let me just talk to you." "Everyone, can I have your attention, please?" "Attention." "Yo!" "In the back!" "This is my best friend, Johnny-boy Ryan, and he's a genius in my book." "So fuck 'em if they don't like it." "Tonight, we celebrate!" "To Johnny-boy!" "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Cheers." "The meat is so..." "It's so-it's so" "Succulent." "Mm, that's right." "I like succulent." "No, look, I want kids, right?" "I want kids." "She doesn't want them." "She says she has to worry about her career." "I mean, no disrespect, but she's a caterer." "You can't be pregnant and serve, what, dip?" "He's so cute." "I think I'm ready to have a baby." "Johnny." "Johnny, Johnny, me boy." "Johnny, this is Tess." "Tess, this is Johnny." " Hi." " Nice to meet you." "Tess here is studying to be a chef, and coincidentally enough, eating is one of my favorite things." "It's what I do." "A match made in heaven, wouldn't you say?" "I would." "Yeah." "Johnny just finished his fourth novel, just hit the racks a few days ago." "Wow." "Congratulations." "Thank you." "Only took him two years." "Well, I don't do a lot of reading, but I'd like to check it out." "Is it long?" "Uh, it's-yeah, a little long." "It's a long one." "Yeah, it's" "Oh, well." "Well, we'll have to..." "Get her the Cliffs Notes, huh?" "Tess, it was really great to meet you." "You too." "And, uh, you, you..." "Forget about it." "All right." "Do we have to do this every time?" "What is the matter with you?" "Nothing." "What is the matter with you?" "I'm fine." "Well, so am I." "Okay, so then what's going on?" "Oh, I need to get drunk." "These are male nylons." "Nylons, 'cause I have sweaty feet, and the doctor said that if I started wearing these types of socks, that I would stop getting" " I'm sorry." "I missed-What?" "Hey." "How you doing?" "Very well." "You?" "I'm good." "You know, I really wanted to apologize for the last time I saw you." "I was..." "Don't worry about it." "Thank you." "I love the book." "I spent the day reading it." "Couldn't put it down." "I started it, and I finished it, same day." "I can only do that when I'm really enjoying something." "Well, it took me about a year to write the last chapter, so I'm really glad you liked it." "I did." "You should take a year to write every chapter." "Tell my agent." "I will." "I'd love to talk to you about it sometime." "Well, how about now?" "Sure." "Love to." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Let's go." "Okay."