"Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts, Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani!" "Hello." "Hello." "Hello." "Hello." "Hello." "Hello." "Glasses, glasses, glasses, glasses, glasses, glasses." "What are we, in the back of a comic book store?" "I'm just looking at you." "Soak it in." "I was" "It's a lot to take." "It's not." "No?" "You look great." "Thank you." "You've lost like a ton of weight." "Thank you so much." "I mean I haven't been trying." "Really?" "Yeah." "It's all you've been talking about for a month." "Because you'd always done comedy." "Was there a point at which you did magic at all" "I did-- magic was my only thing... up until I was about 13." "I discovered girls and gave it up." "Oh, really?" "Because it was pre-Blain." "So you learned all this stuff before you were 13, and then" "No, no, no, then I learned it again." "Okay." "When I undiscovered girls when I turned 40." "Just shove it right in there, okay?" "You're doing some stuff with your fingers that seems sneaky." "Oh, oh, oh, my god, it's in your mouth." "So, what we-- we're going to talk about party fouls." "What's your party foul?" "I was at my friend's place and I went on a beer run." "On the way back, I saw a discarded Christmas tree." "So I pick it up, and I bring it to the party." "I bring it to the front door." "Uh-huh." "I open the front door, the place is packed." "Everyone's having a blast." "That's why I went there, it's a party." "And I take the tree and I just throw it into the party... going, "Christmas is back!"" "The tree goes up and it just lands perfectly as trees do... and it just shook, and then just spiders... spiders just... flew out and everyone was just like, "No!"" "And I was like, "O...kay." "And you never saw them again." "No, no, not alive, actually." "I love the idea of someone who says, "Christmas is back!"" "And then does something horrible." "Like, "Christmas is back!" and then you rear-end him." ""Christmas is back!" then you steal their identity." "Yeah, that's a long con." "Everybody, when you're doing your set... just make sure you hold the mic away from your mouth... because it's on the television." "And you have loud mics, so you'll be picked up." "Just try and keep that in mind." "EMILY HELLER (O.S.):" "I'll just hold it at my side." "Hold it in your vagina." "Yeah, okay." "I have something else in there right now." "Take it out." "Okay." "Take it out." "All right." "Apparently, you guys passed a law making medical marijuana mandatory." "Which was so cool of you, super chill." "I feel so ridiculous buying my drugs from a doctor." "Because I don't have health insurance right now." "So that's my only doctor." "I don't like that." "I don't want my only doctor... to have a radial sun tattoo around her belly button." "That doesn't make me feel like I'm getting health care." "That makes me feel like I'm definitely going to die." "And yes, I did say "her" belly button." "My weed doctor is a woman." "Women can be doctors, too." "Just not real doctors, only weed doctors." "Weed doctors aren't real doctors." "You know how I know?" "Because real doctors don't raffle off medicine." "It's not a thing that real doctors do." "I had the worst show of my life on a Wednesday." "Mm-hm." "And I did Thursday, Friday and Saturday." "Second show was amazing." "Yeah." "And then Sunday is the worst show I've ever had in my life..." "Right." "since Wednesday." "Right." "And then, it's this book-ended trap of sadness." "Right." "That you leave the city no matter what, being like, "Oh, I started as I ended."" "Right." "Horribly." "The same way that stand-up is an immediate gratification... of success, it is an immediate reinforcement of failure." "Yeah, that's so" "So the second that you-- God, that should be the name of someone's album." "It'd be-- Reinforcement of Failure." "Yeah." "It's not like I want to be single forever." "I just really like to say that I want to be single forever... in front of my married friends." "Because they hate that." "Oh, my god, they hate that so much." "There's always one of them who will condescend to me about it." "He'll be like, "Come on, single forever?" "You don't know that." ""You can't know that." ""You can't know that you're gonna want something forever."" "I was like, "Oh, my god, that is an amazing point."" "No, you're right!" "That would be stupid of me... to say that I know I'm gonna want something forever... in my 20's." "God, the only thing that I can think of that might be stupider... would be spending $50,000 to say in front of everyone I know" "If you're married and that offends you, I'm sorry." "Here's what I recommend." "Go home, hug your spouse, know that I will not be doing that... because Netflix does not have arms." "Although, if they know their clientele, they are working on it, right?" "Thank you, guys, so much." "I'm Emily Heller." "go to a bunch of parties." "Inevitably end up in the cab at the countdown." "So this time I was like-- this was Chicago." "I was like well, I'll have a party at my house." "It's gonna be great." "It's a fun time, great party... and then I noticed that the bathroom line is getting super long." "And then the door opens, and this guy walks out... looking at the floor, no eye contact, and I just see him leave the party." "Ooh." "I go, that's not a good sign." "And I go in, and it is the most clogged I have ever seen a toilet." "Like the m" " I should have known, because as he was leaving he said, "Christmas is back!"" "It looked like somebody had thrown a birthday cake down there." "So I pick up this plunger, and I don't even know where I'm gonna start." "All I know is I'm never gonna use this plunger again." "This plunger is retiring a hero." "You know how we're okay with JD Salinger not doing anything?" "We're like, "You did your job." "Now go, you know, do whatever you gotta do."" "Because this is the JD Salinger of plungers." "This was definitely The Catcher in the Rye of shits." "Like kids should have to study it." "And as I'm plunging it, I hear ten, nine, eight." "That's how I rang in the new year." "Aw." "Staring at the shit of a guy I had one computer science class with." "Pick any card in the deck." "Okay, guide me." "Sign the card." "All right, on the front or back?" "On the face, the face of it." "Okay." "I have signed it." "Now, it's okay to see it for this-- for this version of the trick." "Yeah, sure." "Thank you, thank you." "You're welcome." "Thank you." "Weirdly, what if I took this Sharpie, right?" "Mm-hm." "And what if we went just like this." "What?" "That's weird." "That is super weird." "That is super weird." "Why don't you take a look at the Sharpie." "And make sure that it's real and make sure that your card is also totally real." "I definitely can't do whatever you did." "That's because it is the magic of David." "I am genuinely impressed." "You are-- genuinely very good at magic." "I did a show in Northampton, Massachusetts... and there was a newspaper that interviewed one of the comics." "And you know the famous saying like, "Comedy is tragedy plus time,"?" "Well, they misquoted him as saying comedy is tragedy plus timing." "This is very different." "Comedy is tragedy plus time is like in World War 1... they used mustard gas and that sounds like something you get at the deli." "Comedy is tragedy plus timing is the idea that... yesterday I found out that a friend of mine got..." "AIDS." "There's a new Whole Foods that opened in Brooklyn near Park Slope and Gowanus." "And they are obsessed with like fitting in to the local community... so that people don't hate them, because they're a giant business." "This is how much they want to blend into Brooklyn." "They literally sell records and record players." "You know how you're like ah, I need some broccoli rabe and a record player." "I'll go to Whole Foods." "And one of the things they're doing is Brooklyn Whole Foods partnering with local artists." "Oh, they're gonna display the paintings of local artists like me." "But I brought my paintings." "So each one has a sort of locally themed title and they're very pretty." "I just want them displayed at Whole Foods." "And I won't stop until I win." "So here are my paintings." "This one is called..." "Gender-neutral child learning about the conflict in Egypt." "This painting is curly-haired 38-year-old with several gay friends ordering kale." "This painting is six personal essay authors arguing about who's childhood was worse." "This is couple under a tree wishing they were bi-racial." "You can see it right next to raspberries." "This is vegan on his way to the complain store." "I would pay to have this displayed." "Right by cabbage." "And then, mother breastfeeding a roof goat, because it's her right." "Thank you all very much." "Goodnight." "I just-- it's so weird that he's here." "I was so nervous to meet him." "This guy's a big deal." "Please welcome to the stage, Ryan Gosling." "Yeah, Ryan Gosling, everybody." "( TRIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING )" "No one's paying attention to me." "Hey, everybody, I'm Ryan Gosling." "I-- oh, boy!" "I'm sorry, pal." "I was just showing off for these ladies, aww." "Oh, boy, I'm so sexy, man, oh, brother." "I just want to fall in love with some girl." "Oh, I love you." "Do you love me?" "No." "No?" "You just want my body." "All these girls, I try to fall in love and get married, they just want my body." "I just don't see why I'm so hot, you know?" "I'm just a scared little boy in the body of an Adonis." "With golden brown skin like pancakes." "Oh, brother, will you fall in love with me?" "Sorry." "Are you sure you don't want me to take you to the place beyond the pines... and make crazy, stupid love to you?" "I made you a Blue Valentine." "Roses are red, violets are blue..." "I'm Ryan Gosling, and I like to drive." "I kind of prefer it in a weird way." "Because like usually if you come to a stand-up taping... early, you're just sitting around being an idiot." "But this, you're like hanging out with people." "That's the point of it." "I really like this show." "Whoa, what did I walk in on?" "We're doing bits." "What's your name?" "Moshe." "Hi, Moshe, Nick." "Nice to meet you, man." "Sorry to interrupt your bits." "Oh, please, we'd love you to join." "Please welcome to the stage, Nick Offerman!" "Nick Offerman!" "See, they thought it was a character... because Ryan Gosling was a character." "Not a character." "It's the real guy." "I" " I try to suggest wherever I go... that people try to improve their manners." "It's something I try and do every day." "As human beings, we, by our animal natures, we have terrible manners." "You know?" "Our deep down, underneath our socializing." "Our bodies are telling us like see that cheerleader?" "You should put a baby in her mouth." "But we have to quell these desires and get along with one and other... which I think is beautiful." "I encourage people to say please and thank you and also carry a handkerchief." "Keep a handkerchief in your pocket." "That was my father's rule." "It looked bitchin' on my neck in Cub Scouts." "And it saved my bacon in school." "'Cause when I'd get whooped in a fight, I'd never soil the floor." "I'd wrap it around my knife handle tight, and even the fucking score." "Hankies can make you seem polite or wipe ejaculate from your chin." "Or when you break and enter, erase the prints from where you've been." "For gravy or mud or even menstrual blood... it can protect your eyes from a spunky flood." "You just gotta have your hanky." "For wiping your tears when you wish you could still get hard after all of that wine." "And when you run out of toilet tissue, a hanky will do just fine." "For a sniffle or a sneeze, it will shoo away bees." "When you have to suck a dick, it's a cushion for your knees." "When your lover has been pleased, it'll wipe away the cheese." "And the separation from your venereal disease." "Oh, you just gotta have your hanky." "Dad, I always carry my hanky." "Thank you. KUMAIL (O.S.):" "Uh-huh." "What, like, what I'd like to reveal to everybody, I was angry." "Angry at myself, I guess." "I looked for someone to blame and then I caught the mirror." "And I nodded." "Yeah." "You stole a booklet of cd's." "Oh, yeah, okay." "Oh, it's your girlfriend who doesn't matter... it's just a bunch of bright eyes, who cares?" "JONAH (O.S.):" "Christmas is back!" "Your life is like, sort of like Street Fighter in your head." "You're trying to like Hadouken people." "And the guys in the pizza place are just like... stop, stop, stop, stop, stop." "Every time I'm about to have a 1960's orgy..." "I like to sit in a neon orange couch just like this." "Get ready to fuck." "KUMAIL (O.S.):" "Please welcome to the stage..." "TJ Miller!" "Do you guys think you're good people?" "That's a weird one, isn't it?" "Everyone's like, "Hold on, we have to decide now?"" "I'm still working on some stuff." "Your grandfather is on his death bed, he's asked to speak with every individual." "You last of all, because he wants to deliver his last words unto you." "You open the door to the hospital room... the sunlight dapples in through the Venetian blinds." "There's dust settling in the air." "It smells like Grandpappy." "Not bad, but not great." "The door clicks shut behind you... and that's when your grandfather turns to you and he says..." ""Come closer."" "And you kind of want to be like, "Yeah, I just got in the room."" "What did you think I was gonna be like, "Last words, yell 'em from here, Grandpappy."" "The car is running out front." "So you go over, you sit down next to him and he says..." ""Come closer."" "Okay, so you lean in a little closer." "He says, "Come closer, still."" "At this point, you kind of want to be like fuck that." "You know what I mean?" "You're close." "You could touch his forehead with your nose... by going like this, that's it, that's all it would take." "So you lean in closer, even still, because he's on his death bed." "You know?" "I mean, it's just a regular bed... but they rename it, I guess, to remind him constantly of what's happening." "I mean, how awful is that?" "Are you comfortable on your death bed?" "Is your death bed high enough?" "You want to come over here and sit in your "slowly decomposing" chair?" "Why don't you have a lay down on the "it will all be over soon" sofa?" "Yeah, let's do that, then you can kick your feet up... on the "I hope I'm not alone in that moment, but ultimately aren't we all alone" ottoman?" "We're gonna mix them up, up and down." "So it's just like-- eh?" "eh?" "Right?" "Look, look, some facing one way, some facing the other" "It's a mess of cards!" "It's mayhem." "It's crazy, it's mayhem." "I mean-- yeah." "And yet, what if I could snap my fingers... and then suddenly they're all back to normal, except one card?" "Is that the card you picked?" "Yeah." "JONAH (O.S.):" "Doing a good job, Kumail!" "Good job, Kumail!" "I did it!" "I did it!" "Kumail, that's amazing!" "Kumail!" "Kumail!" "Kumail!" "How is he the hero?" "I did it!" "So you lean in closer and that's when he delivers these, his last words unto you." "He says, "Live every day like you've just learned to love." ""And love every moment of that." ""Also fuck-tards must die."" "Uh, guys, what do you do?" "What is he talking about?" "What was that last part?" "Was that a little piece of dementia?" "He's never said fuck-tards in his life." "It's not even a real word, it's a combination of two terrible words." "Or was he testing your courage?" "Saying you were the last person I want to talk to." "Because you're the only one that can carry on my message, which apparently is... fuck-tards must die." "I guess what I'm asking is..." "do you leave the last part in?" "Or do you leave it out?" "Do you say the last part?" "Or do you not say it?" "Say it!" "I don't know." "I don't know if you should leave it in or leave it out." "I do know you're a bad person if you only say the last part." "If you come out, and you're like, "Everybody, Grandpappy just passed..." ""and he wanted me to tell you..." ""sorry... 'fuck-tards must die.'" ""So let's get some shovels and a gun, these fuck-tards ain't gonna kill themselves!"" "Thank you, I'm TJ." "Thank you so much for coming, guys." "You guys were a fucking awesome audience." "Thank you so much!" "Thanks for coming to Meltdown." "You guys were an awesome audience." "This" " I want to do this legit." "By the way, there are no camera tricks used tonight." "Ugh."