"Okay, band meeting." "Jemaine?" "Yes." "Yes." "Bret?" "No." "What do you mean no?" " I'm not here." " You're not here?" " No." " Where are you?" "No, I was just joking." "You're obviously here so I'm putting you down..." " Yeah, get on." " All right." "Murray, present." "Okay." "Item one:" "Roll call." "Now I've got a sense that you guys aren't really up for the roll call anymore." "Well, I thought we had to do it." "Officially we do." "But I could just bypass it." "We'll just look and see that you're here and carry on." "We're always in the band meetings..." "we're the band." "But there's been a couple of times where you haven't been here." "All right?" "And I've put you down as "absent"" "and I've just carried on with the meeting." "We're at a band meeting." "We haven't been here?" " Yeah, twice." "I mean..." " When?" "Well, it doesn't matter when." "They didn't go very well." "Item two, band photos." "Now we need to get some better photos done so that the American media can take us seriously, all right?" "Put us in magazines, leaflets, that sort of thing." "We've got a good photo." "We've got a photo, but it's not good enough." "I mean, look." "This one." " I like that one." " It's a good photo." "But I've had to circle where you two are." "I mean, who are all these other people?" " Well, that's Gemma's 21st." " Right." " That's her birthday." " That's not me." " Oh no, that's Nick." " Is that not you?" " No." " No, that's Lucas." "You've circled Lucas and Nick." " Who are they?" " They're my cousins." " Where are you?" " I think I took this photo." " Yeah, I took it." " So you're not in it?" "No, neither of us are in it." " It's got a good energy." " I know, I tell people that, but they want to know which ones are you, and I'm trying to point you out." "Have you got any other photos?" "We've got one more." "This one's just bizarre." "It's a photo of Jemaine with his ex-girlfriend Clea." "But it's got a photo of Bret superimposed over the head." " It's a wee bit strange." " Where did you get that?" "I made it." "I made this one." "You can't take my personal photos and stick other people's heads over..." "I loved that photo." "So those are you options." "All right?" "I mean, this one here, you're not in." "And this one here you're in, but you shouldn't be." "So my point is, what we need to do is what's called a... photo shoot." "Okay?" "Okay." "A bit more movement, you're too up and down." "Move your arms about." "A bit more natural." "That's good." "Can I have a look in the camera, Murray?" "No, this is New Zealand government property." "It's a passport camera." "Only Greg can touch it... eh, Greg?" " Uh, yeah." " I can't even touch it." "That's good, Bret." "Jemaine, you look depressed." "Smile." " I'm supposed to, I'm in a band." " Who wants to hear a sad band?" "This is the cool look for a band." "But what about your hands in the air and smile?" "No that's not what bands do." "Bands don't put their arms in the air and smile." "I've seen that." "I've seen musicians do that." " That's gymnasts, Murray." " Is it?" "Yes." "Greg, is is musicians or gymnasts that?" " Gymnasts." " When they... okay, it looks weird." "Um, Bret, you look quite small." "It looks sort of like trick photography." " It's Bret's fault." " It's like "Lord of the Rings."" "Jemaine, you look like an ogre that works in the library." "Yeah, I think it's your fault, Bret." "You're just too small." "Bret, do you, uh, do you like penguins?" "Yeah... no." "Sometimes I'm glad that we don't live in New Zealand anymore." "'Cause of all those penguins." " Remember how there'd be penguins?" " Yeah." "Bret, I'm kind of doing all the work in this conversation." " What's wrong?" " I'm feeling a bit body conscious." " What do you mean, "body conscious"?" " I just feel very small." "After the photo shoot, I was a lot smaller than I thought I was." " Are you bulimic or something?" " No." "I just feel like... you know, all these novelty musicians are a lot bigger than me." " Is that what's made you bulimic?" " No." "I just need to eat more." "Mm." "Sounds like bulimia." "I'm not bulimic." "Hey, Bret, do you remember that time after your mom's 60th birthday," " how you got really drunk?" " Yeah." "Yeah, I think I heard you in the bathroom afterwards being a little bit bulimic." "What I really need is just some..." "just some compliments, I think." "You could give me some compliments." "That would do it." " You want me to give you a compliment?" " That'd be great, yeah." "I'm not gonna give you compliments." "It'd be weird." "Yeah, it might be a bit weird." "Don't worry about it." "I'm gonna go to bed." "Bret?" "Bret?" " Bret!" " Jemaine?" " What are you doing?" " It's not Jemaine." "It's 1972 David Bowie from the Ziggy Stardust tour." "Wow, you look a lot like Jemaine." "No, I'm David Bowie." "Mm, what are you doing in my room?" "This is a dream, Bret." "It's all part of your freaky dream." " Oh, right." " Am I freaking you out, Bret?" " Is this a freaky dream?" " I've had some pretty freaky dreams." " Have you?" " I had one where I was a guinea pig, but with my face." "And I had another one where I was a..." "I was a giraffe, but then..." "Yeah, okay." "Listen, Bret, I don't have much time, man." "I'm just here to tell you don't worry about your body image." "People used to give me crap about being thin all the time." "But I just broke through their false barriers." "What about the novelty-music paparazzi?" "Oh, the media monkeys and the junket junkies will invite you to the plastic pantomime." "Throw their invites away." "I'm not really sure what you're talking about." "I want to give you one more piece of advice." "Get an eye patch, man." " I'm sorry?" " Get an eye patch." "Oh yeah, I've got an eye patch." " Do you?" " Yeah." " Wear it." " Okay." "# Wear the eye patch, Bret #" "# Wear the funky funky eye patch. #" " Bye, Bret." " Bye-bye, David Bowie." " Heed my advice, wear the eye patch." " Watch out for the table!" "Sorry about the table, Bret." "No no, he's not a midget." "He's just... he's thin." "Okay?" "And then the other one's slightly bigger, so there's two different sizes there." "There's the full range." "Yeah." " Okay, see you soon." " Hey, Murray." " Hi, guys." " Hey, Murray." "Check this out." "What is it?" "It's the latest copy of "Novelty Hit-Makers" Magazine." "Page eight, I've bookmarked it there." " Hey." " Yeah." " Oh, that's us." " That's right." "We're in it." "Did you stick that on there?" " No, it's real, Jemaine." " Wow." " Bret, what's wrong with your eye?" " Hmm?" "Oh nothing's wrong with it." "This is my new look." " New look?" " Yeah." "If you're gonna be cool, why don't you just have a goatee?" " This photo..." "looks silly." " Silly?" "You look silly now." "That's a good photo... what do you mean?" " Bret's bulimic." " What?" "No, I'm not." " Are you?" " No." "I had some body-image issues, but I'm all good now." "Well, that's not really my business, that's sort of regarded as personal business." "All right?" "I'm dealing with the business side of things." "Like that photo." "That's got us some heat." "We've got a big meeting coming up." "Is it a major record label or something?" "No, it's the next best thing." "It's a company that sells greeting cards." " Greeting cards?" " Mm." "But you know those ones that open up and they have a tune in them?" "Where does it come from?" "You don't know." "It's in the card somewhere." " It's not an album?" " No." "That's the whole thing." "It's a secret." "Only they know." " They put a tape in there?" " No." "It's a magic card with music in it, and they want us to be part of their magic cards." "So just from here on what I think we should do is just keep cool heads." "Bret, all right, don't be bulimic;" "Jemaine, you know, look after Bret;" "and me, just don't blow this one, I guess." " Mmm." " So all of us, let's rock it out." "Is that a music term, "Rock it out"?" "Yeah, that's one." "Okay." "Oh heavens." "You know how you tend to prefer me out of me and Bret?" " No." " Yeah, when you see us, you just flirt a little bit more with me." "A tiny... sorry, Doug." "It's fine." " Happy anniversary, by the way." " Thanks." " Happy anniversary." " Thanks, Jemaine." " You know, you'd prefer me?" " Yes..." " Right?" " Yeah?" "Yeah well, just pretend you prefer Bret." "Okay." "Give him some compliments." "Say, like, "You look hot," or... l-I don't really know, it's not my forte." "Okay, I can do that." "It'll be like our secret plan together." "Exactly, thanks." "It'll just help him with a medical condition that he's got." "I'd compliment him myself but I think it might be gay." "Oh no, that's not gay at all." " Isn't it?" " Oh no." "To tell a friend he looks good?" "No, that's not gay." "Maybe I will." "I mean, if you two were to make love, that would be gay." "Yeah, that would be..." "that would be gay." "Two men, touching each other physically and emotionally." "Erotically caressing each other on the..." " Yeah, that sounds more..." "...hood of a car..." "Hey, thanks for your help anyway." "...in the back of a movie theater." "Hey, Mel, what do you do here, at university, I was wondering." "Oh, I'm the junior professor of psychology." "Huh." "What do you do here, Doug?" "I was the senior professor of psychology." "But I was fired." "And now I just hang around here." "Hey, Bret?" "Oh hey, man." "How's it going?" "Your beard is good." "It's just a compliment for you... your beard." "Just a compliment about your beard being good." " Thank you." " And also I have another one here:" "You're good at finding shortcuts around this part of town." "I appreciate that." "Would it be gay to write you a song to cheer you up?" "No." "It's called, "Bret, you got it going on."" "# Hey there, Bret, I see you looking down #" "# Don't want to see my little buddy down with a frown #" "# Just because I get more women than you #" "# Well, that's only because they don't know you like I do #" "# Sure you're weedy and kinda shy #" "# But some girlie out there must be needy for a weedy shy guy #" "# They want you as their needle when they're rolling in the hay #" "# Just hear me out when I say #" "# Bret, you've got it going on #" "# The ladies will get to know your sexuality #" "# When they get to know your personality #" "# I said, Bret, you've got it going on #" "# Not in a gay way, just in a hey, man, I wanted to say #" "# That you're looking okay, man, why can't a heterosexual guy #" "# Tell a heterosexual guy that he thinks his booty is fly?" "#" "# Not all the time, obviously #" "# Just when he's got a problem with his self-esteem #" "# Don't let anybody tell you you're not hump-able #" "# Because you're bump-able #" "# Well, I hope this doesn't make you feel uncomfortable #" "# If I say you gotta boom-ow-ow, come on, Bret #" "# Help me out now, Bret, you've got it going on #" "# I got it going on #" "# That's the conclusion that I've come to #" "# But that doesn't mean that I want to bum you #" "# Bret, you've got it going on #" "# I got it going on #" "# No doubt about it, we'd be getting crazy #" "# If one of us was lucky enough to be born a lady #" "# Unh, if one of us was a lady #" "# And I was your man, if I was your man #" "# Well 'cause sometimes it gets lonely #" "# And I nee-heed a woman #" "# And then I imagine you with some bosoms #" "# In fact one time when we were touring #" "# And I was really lonely #" "# And we were sharing that twin room in the hotel #" "# I put a wig on you when you were sleeping #" "# I put a wig on you..." "you-hoo-hoo-hoo #" "# And I just lay there and spooned you #" "# Oh, Bret, you got it going on. #" "So, hopefully that made you feel better." "Can I please have a look at the lyrics?" "This is another one of your weird songs, man." "In what way?" "What is that about, "Sometimes I put a wig on you" " when we're on tour"?" " Put a wig on you?" "No." "I didn't say anything like that." " Well, it's definitely a bit gay." " What is?" "Putting a wig on me while I'm asleep." "I think sometimes you hear what you want to hear." "It wouldn't be gay to put a wig on a man and pretend they're a woman." "How could that be gay if you were pretending they're a woman?" "Not that I did it." "Bret?" "Bret?" "Bret!" "Hey, it's 1980 David Bowie, from the music video "Ashes to Ashes."" " Hey, David Bowie." " Did you try out the eye patch?" "Yeah, not so good." "Didn't work." "I lost my depth perception." " Oh no, did you?" " Yeah, I missed my chair." " Oh God." " Sat down and fell on the floor." "That's terrible." "And then I walked into a door." "Actually, come to think of it, the same thing happened to me when I wore an eye patch." "It was..." "oh, it was always," ""Bowie's bumped into a door."" " Hey, David Bowie?" " Yes, Bret?" "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" "Of course, Bret." "That's what I'm here for." "Mm, if a friend of yours puts a wig on you when he's lonely, pretends you're a woman, is that gay?" "He was pretending you're a woman?" "No, that's not gay." "Are you sure?" "Totally fine." "Mm, okay." "Well, that's all." "Do you have any other advice for me?" "Yes." "It doesn't hurt to do something absolutely outrageous." " Like what?" " Well, you'll know what to do, Bret." "And you'll know exactly when the time is right." "I don't know, I just don't like them anymore." " Penguins are great..." " Oh hey, guys." " Hey, Mel." " Hi." "Well, you're looking good today, Bret." " Very hot." " Thank you." "Oh, that's nice of Mel to say..." " Hotter than Jemaine." " Oh, thanks, Mel." " Mm-hmm." " That's really kind." " Oh yeah." " That's a nice compliment for you." "Yes, it is, isn't it?" "You have a refined bone structure whereas Jemaine's facial features are too deep-set to be classically handsome." " Thank you." " Oh." " You're a better singer too." " Thanks, Mel." "Yeah, Jemaine's often flat, but you are always on-key every time I come to your shows." " Thank you." " That's not... that's not true." "You're also really really deep and passionate." " You know, like, you think..." " Hey, Mel... don't you have to..." " That's really nice." " I can see it in your lyrics." " Hey!" " What?" " Shh, that's enough now." " Oh, all right." "Well, I have a lot more to say on that though." "No, I don't think you do." "I think you probably have to go somewhere now." " Thank you." " Oh yes," "I do have to go somewhere." " It was great to see you, Mel." " You too." "Oh God, you're glowing today." " You're glowing." " Thanks, Mel, I appreciate it." " See you later, bye." " See you." "What's her problem?" " She was just being nice." " Yeah well... she went a bit far." "Do you think my facial features are too deep-set to be considered classically handsome?" " That's what she said." " I don't really know." " Be honest." " I've got no idea." "Bret, Bret, uncross your legs." "Bret." "That's funky." " I like that." " Thank you, yes." "Yeah, that's a fun card." "Ah." "Where does the music come from?" "There's a small chip and speaker set that goes into the back of the card." "Is it a CD?" "No, it's more like a... a chip and speaker set that we... it's very small and it's about the size of your thumbnail and we just put it right inside the back of the card." "Like headphones?" "No, this is a computer chip that's devoted really to one function only... the playing of the song when we open the card... and then, I guess you could say its second function is turning off at this point." "Like a Walkman." "No it's not..." "not like a Walkman at all." "Good." " Um, Mr. Armstrong?" " Please call me David." " Okay, David." " Thank you." "Um, David, when will this meeting actually begin?" "Well it's, um..." "it has begun." "They didn't do a roll call." "You know, I believe in potential." "It's hard to define, but I know it when I see it, and I see it in you guys." "Thank you, David." "I know what you mean." "Good." "We love the track." "We'd like to include it in a card we're working on." "It's a kind of futuristic birthday card." "Wow, yes, that'd be great." "And we're going to pay you 1¢ per card." "How many cards would you look at manufacturing, David?" "Depending on demand, we might make as many as..." " half a million." " Woah... we're talking serious money." "Yes, we're talking serious money, and a lot of it too, if we can work together." "I mean, I really need to know these guys." "What are they all about?" "Yep, okay." "Well, Bret, talk about yourself." "Oh well, um..." "I'm..." "I'm Bret." "Yeah?" " What else?" " You're the smaller one." "He's the smaller one of the two." "He's... you're into animals." "Um, you were bulimic recently." " I wasn't..." "I wasn't bulimic." " He's not now, he's fine now." " I'm not bulimic." " Little touch of that." " I wasn't bulimic." " It's cleared up." "And, Jemaine, he's the ladies' man." " No, I'm not." " Yes, you are." "You said the girls like you." "I've lost confidence now." "Completely lost confidence." "He's just acting depressed 'cause he thinks it's cool." "I'm gonna interrupt you now, for a moment, because it seems to me that maybe... you're not that interested in having one of your songs appear in our greeting card, so..." "We are interested, and I'm really sorry about these guys." "I hope they haven't stuffed the whole thing up." "It's just that, you know..." "You'll know what to do, Bret." "And you'll know exactly when the time is right." "Today they've just got a different sort of..." "Whoo-hoo!" "Whoo!" "Waha!" "Bret, what on earth was that?" "I can't believe it." "It's outrageous." "Absolutely outrageous." "What were you thinking?" " I thought it would help." " You thought that would help?" "Oh my gosh." "That's illegal, you know?" "How could you do it?" "I thought it would make us more memorable." "Were there supposed to be lightning bolts on the side of it?" " Yeah, looked pretty good, eh?" " Mm." "What are you talking about?" "It didn't work." "The whole thing was stupid!" "Well, it wasn't my idea, Murray." "David Bowie told me to do it in a dream." "Oh yeah, right, Bret." "David Bowie in a dream." " Yes." " What are you talking about?" "That's typical of you." "Major money." "Something else will come up." "I don't know." "Maybe I'm not cut out for band management." "It's not you, Murray." "You're good." "I think it's my fault." "That's all I'm saying." "If I was a better manager, I could have changed this or turned it into something positive." "I could have stopped you before you revealed it, or turned it into some sort of thing, like I could have said it was a cultural New Zealand greeting." "You know, we could have all done it." "But I'm just not quick enough on my feet." "Something else will turn up." "Bret, Bret?" "Bret!" "It's 1986 David Bowie from the movie "Labyrinth."" "Yeah, I know." "So you showed your penis to the man from the greeting-card company?" " That was your idea." " I didn't mean something like that." "I only meant something like..." "I don't know, wear makeup or..." "I was wearing makeup." "I had lightning bolts on my wanger." "I meant on your face, Bret." "On your face." "So have you got any more advice?" "No, I don't have any more advice." "I've given you all of my good advice." "Actually, I've totally lost confidence in my ability to help people." "I'm useless." "Jemaine actually thinks that maybe you're a figment of my imagination." "I might as well be, Bret." "I might as well be." " Yeah." " Anyway, Bret," " I have to go." " Where are you going?" "I'm going to a party." "I'm already 20 minutes late." "Sounds cool." "Where's the party?" "In space, Bret." "In space." " Space?" " Yeah." "It is quite freaky, isn't it, Bret?" "Yeah... no." " Goodbye, Bret." " See you, Bowie." "# Bowie's in space #" "# Bowie's in space #" "# What you doin' out there, man?" "#" "# That's pretty freaky, Bowie #" "# Isn't it cold out in space, Bowie?" "#" "# Do you want to borrow my jumper, Bowie?" "#" "# Does the space cold make your nipples go pointy, Bowie?" "#" "# Do you use your pointy nipples #" "# As telescopic antennae to transmit data back to Earth?" "#" "# Bet you do, you freaky old bastard, you #" "# Hey, Bowie?" "Do you have one really funky sequined space suit #" "# Or do you have several ch-changes?" "#" "# Do you smoke grass out in space, Bowie?" "#" "# Or do they smoke... #" "# AstroTurf?" "#" "# Oooh #" "# Receiving transmission #" "# From David Bowie's nipple antennae #" "# Do you read me, Lieutenant Bowie?" "#" "# This is Bowie to Bowie #" "# Do you hear me out there, man?" "#" "# This is Bowie back to Bowie #" "# I read you loud and clear, man #" "# Hoo yeah, man #" "# Your signal's weak on my radar screen #" "# How far out are you, man?" "#" "# I'm pretty far out #" "# That's pretty far out, man #" "# Ooh ooh ooh hoo #" "# I'm orbiting Pluto #" "# Ooh ah ooh-hoo #" "# Drawn in by its "groovatational" #" "# Groovatational pull #" "# I'm jamming out with the Mick Jaggernauts #" "# So and I think it's pretty cool, man #" "# Oh-ah!" "#" "# Are you okay, Bowie?" "#" "# What was that sound?" "#" "# I don't know, man, I have to turn my ship around #" "# Ooh, it's the craziest thing #" "# Yeah, I'm picking it up on my L.S.D. Screen #" "# Can you see the stratosphere ringing?" "#" "# To the choir # # of "Afronauts" singing #" "# Bowie's in... #" "# Space. #" "So I'm guessing like, if David Bowie isn't that confident, then maybe... maybe most people aren't that confident?" "Which means..." "I'm not gonna worry about being confident." "Yeah, we don't need to worry about being confident." " Yeah..." " But it's not really him though." " I know..." " It's a dream." " I know but..." " It's your dream." "I know it's my dream but you'd still think he'd be more confident." "Yeah, can I have your biscuit, Bret?" "Help yourself." "I'm not eating anymore." "I'm a bit too fat." " Hey, Murray." " Hey guys, guess what's in my hand." " Um..." " A biscuit?" "No, not even close." " Jemaine?" " Another kind of biscuit?" "No, I haven't got a biscuit, have I?" "I said no biscuit." "It's not gonna be another kind, is it?" " Is it a really big biscuit?" " It's not a biscuit!" "I don't know, you know I'm not very imaginative." "You've ruined this game." "I'll just show you." "Ah, that's flippin' awesome." "Listen." " Listen to that." " But I thought they weren't gonna?" "No, Mr. Armstrong said he admired Bret's balls." "He thought we'd like to see the prototype of the new card." "So can I get you a drink?" "I think we can afford it." "Are they printing half a million cards?" "No, they're only making 50." "It's not a very popular design." "But we've got 50¢, so how much are your coffees?" " 60¢." " Can I get a copy of that, Murray?" "No no, 'cause that would cost more than 50¢, and then we'd... we'd be down, wouldn't we?" "The whole thing would be a waste." "Can I borrow it for a bit?" "You can have it for one night, but don't send it to anyone." "How do they get the music in there?" "It's very technical." "Did you hear what he was talking about?" "It's a computer chip with a speaker attached." " There's a thing in there." " Pretty much like a Walkman."