"(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "(theme song ending)" "Hi, Lucy, I came up to give you some... (screams)" "What was that?" "It was on the ceiling." "I'm trying to learn to flip pancakes up in the air like they do in restaurants." "Oh." "I came up to give you this money." "Boy, am I glad to get it off my hands." "What is all that?" "What are you trying to do-- bribe me?" "The club treasurer asked me to give it to you." "Oh, for the bazaar." "Yeah." "You're supposed to use it to rent the hall and buy the refreshments," "have the posters printed..." " Shh!" "What's the matter?" " I don't want Ricky to hear." " Lucy, haven't you told him you're chairman of the bazaar?" "No, and I'm not going to tell him till next Friday." "But the bazaar's next Thursday." "Exactly." "You sure live dangerously, Lucy." "Well, after what happened at the Fourth of July carnival last year," "Ricky made me promise that I wouldn't get mixed up in any more club affairs." "I don't blame him." "You weren't very bright throwing all those skyrockets and Roman candles in a fireplace." "Well, who uses a fireplace in July?" "He should have looked before he threw that match in there." "Poor Ricky." "His eyebrows didn't grow in for a month." "You remember those little baby toupees he wore over each eye?" "Say, where are you hiding all the stuff that's been donated to the bazaar auction?" "I'll show you." "What a treasure trove!" "Shh!" "(whispering inaudibly)" "Say, when we sell that, the club will have nothing but money." "And I've got a slew of stuff to collect." "I'm going out as soon as Ricky leaves." " RICKY:" "Lucy!" " Yeah, dear?" " Ready yet?" " Okay, yeah." "I got to run along." "So long." "Bye-bye." "Hey!" "Not a word to Ricky." " Don't worry." " Okay." "Good morning, honey." "Good morning, dear." "Hey!" "Tortillas." "Yeah." "I made them out of Aunt Jemima tortilla mix." "Oh, I keep forgetting here in America you call them flapcakes." "Come again?" "Hot jacks?" "You were closer with tortillas." "They are hot cakes." "Oh." "Not these." "These are cold cakes." "Oh, honey, I'm sorry." "I'll make you some hot ones." "No, honey, it'll take too long." "I'll just have some coffee." "I'm in a hurry." "Well, I'll make some for myself." "Listen, you got any money?" "I haven't got any money for cab fare." "I don't know." "There's my bag over there on the shelf." "Thanks." "Oh, honey, I just remembered-- no, I don't have any money." "I don't have a cent in there, honey." "Give me my bag." "Wait a... wait..." " I don't have a cent." " Wait a minute." "What are you getting so excited about?" "Let's see what's in here." "Wow." "What is this?" "Uh..." "it's my mad money." "150...160..." "170... $200 here." "Yeah, I get awful mad." "Lucy." "Where did you get this money?" "Uh..." "I saved it out of my allowance?" "No?" " Uh..." " No." "Uh..." "Ew..." "Now, Lucy, this is no joke." "There's a lot of money here." "I want to know where you got it." "Ricky, you said you were late for work." "Now, Lucy, I want to know where you got that money." "Did you earn it?" "Did you borrow it?" " Did you steal it?" " Yeah, that's it." "Which one?" "Oh, it doesn't matter-- any one of them." "Now, Lucy..." "All right." "You'll find out sooner or later anyway." "I stole it." "What?" "Well, I'm sorry" " I saw it and I just couldn't help myself." "Now, Lucy, you're not telling me the truth." "Yes, I am." "Word of honor?" "Well... what good's a crook's word of honor?" "Look, I haven't got time for jokes right now but by the time that I come home this afternoon, you'd better have an explanation of how you got that money, understand?" "Yes, sir." "All right." "I'll take the subway." "Lucy?" "Lucy?" "Ricky?" "Lucy?" " Yeah?" " Oh, there you are." "How did everything go today?" "Oh, just wonderful." "I got some wonderful stuff." "That's great." "But listen, Ethel," "Ricky found that bazaar money in my bag this morning." "He did?" "How did you explain it?" "Oh, I didn't." "I tried to gag my way out by saying I stole it." " Stole it?" "!" "Yeah, well, he didn't believe me." " Listen, Ethel, can I tell him that it belongs to you?" "Huh?" "Can I tell him the money is yours?" " Well, if you'll do me a favor." " What?" "Do you think you could auction off that hideous cuckoo clock that Fred won at Coney Island?" "Well, sure, but Fred would never donate that." "But I've got a scheme." "I bought a little clock to donate and I'm going to tell you to go downstairs and get it." "It's on a table next to the cuckoo clock and you take the cuckoo clock by mistake, see?" "After it's auctioned off, what can he do about it?" "Ethel, how could ever think up a sneaky scheme like that?" "Who do you think you are-- me?" "I'll do it." "Fred?" "FRED:" "Yeah." "Where are you?" "Right here." "I'm trying to fix the leg on this darn couch." "It keeps coming off all the time." "You want to give me a hand?" "Listen, Fred, I got an awful problem on my hands." "You should have thought of that before you married her." "Look, this is no joke." "This morning I found a roll of bills in Lucy's purse-- $200." "And just now I saw her sneaking in the house carrying some big silver things-- real expensive-looking stuff." "Well, there must be some explanation." "I don't think so." "She hid them in the closet." "You know, there must be thousands of dollars worth of stuff in that closet that doesn't belong to us." "Gee-whiz, you don't suppose she's a kleptomaniac?" "Oh, no, I just think she steals things." "Yeah, that's what a kleptomaniac is-- a person who steals things and can't help it." "It's a kind of a disease." "Oh, gee." "Oh, you must be mistaken." "Come on, help me with this, will you?" "Okay." "(hammering)" " My God." "LUCY:" "Fred, are you home?" "Fred?" "Oh, Fred." "(door closes)" " You see!" "Yeah, if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes," "I'd never believe it." "How do you like that?" "She is a klep..." "klep... klep... what you said." "Oh, this is terrible." "I'm married to a thief." "Now, listen, Rick, if she is a kleptomaniac, it isn't her fault." "She doesn't know what she's doing." "She's just a poor, sick person, and we shouldn't blame her for..." "Hey, that dirty crook stole my clock!" "What am I going to do?" "Well, I don't know about you but I'm going to get my cuckoo clock." "Come on, let's sneak up the back way." "Okay." "Come on." "Hi, fellas." "FRED:" "Hi, Lucy." "Hi, Lucy." "What's new?" "Nothing." "If you'll excuse me," "I got to go in the bedroom." "Lucy?" "Lucy, I want to talk to you about something, honey." "Won't you sit down?" "Oh, I'd rather not." "I..." "Don't you... don't you have anything to tell me?" "No." "Aren't you hiding something under your coat?" "No, no, that's all me." "Too much pie and cake lately, I guess." "Are-are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm sure." "(clock cuckoos)" "What was that?" "Yeah." "Oh, I did it." "Uh... ♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo. ♪" "I'm learning to do birdcalls." "It didn't sound like you." "Well, it was." "(clock cuckoos)" "I'm... ♪ Cuckoo. ♪" "I'm..." "l-l-l do... (clock cuckoos)" "I do several kinds of birdcalls." "(clock cuckoos)" " Uh... ♪ Cuckoo ♪" "Uh... uh..." "Birdcalls?" "Yeah." "Um... (whistles in a high pitch)" "What was that?" "That was a South African Yellow-Bellied Sapsucker." "(clock cuckoos)" "♪ Cuckoo. ♪" "♪ Cuckoo. ♪" "Do you, do you know any more birdcalls?" "Um... (hums loud and high)" "What was that?" "A hummingbird." "(clock cuckoos twice)" "♪ Cuckoo." "Cuckoo. ♪" "You do that cuckoo a lot, don't you?" "Well, that's my best one." "(clock cuckoos)" "♪ Cuckoo. ♪" "Um..." "I do the English sparrow." "(short whistles)" "(clock cuckoos) - ♪ Cuckoo. ♪" "(short whistles)" "(clock cuckoos) - ♪ Cuckoo. ♪" "(whistles)" "(clock cuckoos) - ♪ Cuckoo. ♪" "It's part sparrow and part ♪ cuckoo. ♪" "I know someone who's all cuckoo." "I'll see you later, fellas." "I want my cuckoo clock." "Wait, Fred, please." "You'll get your cuckoo clock back later." "The most important thing right now is Lucy." "Now, come on." "Let's go down to your place." "What are you going to do?" "Well, there's only one thing to do." "I'm going to call a physaciatrist." "What?" "A physaciatrist." "I'm going to call a head doctor." "I think you should." "Come on, will you?" " ETHEL:" "Lucy?" " What?" "Lucy, The most awful thing happened." "Fred and Ricky saw you take the cuckoo clock." "They couldn't have." "There was nobody there." "Yes, there was." "They were behind the sofa fixing something." "Oh, so that's why they were asking me all those questions." "And that's not all." "Ricky was hiding in the kitchen and saw you putting all that stuff in the closet." "Oh, and that money this morning." "What must he think?" "He thinks you're a kleptomaniac." "What?" "A kleptomaniac." "He came down to our apartment and called a psychiatrist." "I heard him." "He told him all about it." "He's bringing him home with him tonight." "Oh, he is, is he?" "A fine, trusting husband to have." "Well, I'll show him." "Now, wait a minute, Lucy." "After all," "Ricky actually saw you taking things." "Sure I've been taking things but he thinks I've been taking things." "Oh." "Why don't you tell him about the bazaar?" "What, and admit that I'm a liar?" "Oh, no." "If he wants a wife who's a thief," "I'll give him a wife who's a thief." "Lucy, what are you hatching?" "When Ricky and that psychiatrist come home tonight, we are going to be playing a little play, starring Lucy the Lip and Babyface Ethel." "Oh, no." "You're not going to get me in on this." "Listen to me, Babyface." "Now, you help me pull this job or I'll squeal that you were the brains in the cuckoo clock caper." "Okay, you got me." "What's the deal?" "Come in, Doctor." "Oh, remember, Ricky, not doctor." "Oh, that's right..." "Tom." "Lucy, where are you?" "Oh, give me your coat." "Oh, thank you." "Sit down, won't you?" "Oh, yes, yes, of course." "Lucy?" "I wonder where she could be." " Well, I..." " Hi, Rick." " Hiya, Fred." " You seen Ethel?" " No." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I didn't know you had company." "Oh, that's all right." "This is a very good friend of mine," "Dr. Robinson, the physaciatrist." "This is our landlord, Mr. Mertz." "How do you do, Mr. Mertz?" " How are you, Doctor?" " Very well, thank you." "Listen, don't call him doctor in front of Lucy." "We want her to think that he's just a friend, see?" "Oh." "Have you seen Lucy?" "She's probably with Ethel." "Maybe they're out shopping." "Yeah..." "or shoplifting." "Well, I hope they'll be home soon." "Would you like a cigarette, Doc?" "Oh, yes, thank you." "Well, this is the first time I ever smoked one of these." "Gee." "Fred, look at all these jewels." "Sticky fingers strikes again!" "Wait a minute-- what's the matter with this chair?" "Look at this." "A blowtorch." "A crowball..." "a crowbar." "Flash." "This is terrible." "Let me see what this is." "What is it?" "Oh, no." "It's the floor plan of the Chase National Bank." " The 72nd Street branch." " Yeah." "Why, that's where I keep my money." "This is serious." "Oh, I hope I'm not too late to help her." "(gunshots)" "What's going..." "Okay." " Okay?" " Okay," "Did you get any of them?" "Yeah, I got two-- a flatfoot and a private eye." "I got the eye in the foot and the foot in the eye." "I winged a couple myself." "Oh, hiya, Ricky." "Hiya, Lucy." "Hi, Ethel." "Hi, fatso." "Who's the geek?" "Eh, Lucy, this is a very good friend of mine" "Tom..." "Tom Robinson." "This is my wife, Lucy, and that's Mrs. Mertz." "Oh, how do you do, my dear?" "RICKY:" "Lucy!" "What are you doing?" "Just frisking him to see if he's carrying a rod." "Hiya, Tom." "Oh, how do... ouch!" "Oh, pardon the brass knuckles." "Lucy, where have you been?" "Chase National Bank." "Oh, no." "You did it!" "Nah, stupid here forgot the map and the torch." "I'm sorry, brain." "Yeah... another slip like that and it'll be curtains for you." " Understand?" " Oh, it won't happen again." "I promise, brain." "Aah, shut up." "FRED:" "If you forgot the map..." "If you forgot the map, where'd you get that bag of dough?" "Well, just so the evening wouldn't be a total loss, we knocked over a gas station on the way home." "Oh, no, no, no..." "What are you yapping about, tubby?" "It beats running this crummy apartment house." "Now, what are you doing..." "Listen, come to your senses, will ya?" "!" "Oh... so you're holding out on me, eh, Babyface?" "This gang ain't big enough for the both of us." "No, no, I'm too young to die!" "(screams)" "Mrs. Ricardo." " Yeah?" " Mrs. Ricardo..." "Yeah." "Look me straight in the eye." "Yeah?" "Mrs. Ricardo, you don't hate anyone." "You're at peace with all the world." "You love everybody." "Yeah?" "Yes." "And you're tired." "You're feeling very tired, aren't you?" "Yeah." "And you're getting very drowsy." "Yeah." "You feel so very sleepy and calm and peaceful." "Yeah." "Relax." "Relax." "Relax." "That's a good girl." "Right down there." "Um... oh, uh... let's put little, uh, "Tommy' to bed, shall we?" "Now, Mrs. Ricardo, why don't you tell me how you got started in this life of crime?" "Go back." "Go back into your childhood." "Go back." "Back." "Back." "(child's voice):" "Well, it all started when I was a little girl." "I was riding on the streetcar one day and I looked up and I saw a box and it said, "take one."" "So I took one." "There was nothing wrong with that." "Oh, yes, there was." "From then on, I took anything that came into my pretty head even though it didn't say, "take one."" "I took a bright, new penny." "I took a bicycle." "I took a little boy." "You took a little boy?" "Yeah." "But my mother made me give him back." "And then..." "then you grew up." "Yeah." "(adult's voice):" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah, and I began picking pockets." "I picked a peck of pockets." "Pretty soon I graduated to purse snatching." "Would you like to see my collection?" "Well, uh..." "I don't believe I have time." "Where's my watch?" "Right here, sonny." "Come on, dead end." "Okay, brains." "Oh, Ricky, this is much more serious than I realized." "Oh, do you think there's any hope?" " Do you think you can do something?" "I don't know." "Hey!" "That's a lot of purses!" "Yeah, I got purses here that I ain't never opened yet." "Get a load of this loot, sonny." "Get a load of that, will you?" "Boy, I been snatching purses for nigh unto 12 years." "Whoa, boy!" "I grabbed this one quicker than I thought." "I remember now-- snatched this off a dummy in a store window." "Mrs. Ricardo." "Yeah?" "I'm not just a friend of your husband's." "No?" "No." "I'm a doctor, a psychiatrist." "Now, if you'll undergo treatment with me," "I think I can cure you of all this." "Well..." "I think I'm cured completely." "I don't think I'll ever steal anything" "as long as I live." " Oh, why?" "Well, what is there left?" "This morning I achieved my highest desire-- a kleptomaniac's dream." "What do you mean, Mrs. Ricardo?" "Well, I..." "sandpapered my fingertips, put on my big coat with the big, secret pocket, went down to Clyde Beatty Circus." "Down to Clyde Beatty Circus..." "What could she possibly get at the Clyde Beatty Circus?" "RICKY:" "Oh!" "(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "ANNOUNCER"." "The part of the doctor was played by Joseph Keams." "I Love Lucy is a Desilu production."