"Carlton, Michael's out front, and you're going to be late for work again." "Poke your head out the door and tell him I'll be there in a minute." "If I poke anything anywhere, it's going to be my house slipper up your behind." "Tomorrow, I'm waking that boy up with kerosene and a box of matches." "Hey, Michael." "Hi, Nana." "Let me get you a cup of tea, baby." "What I'd really like is for Carl to stop using my car horn as his snooze alarm." "It's like trying to rouse the dead this morning." "Had to pull his covers down and snap a wet towel at his behind." "Truth be told, he woke up when I pulled down the covers, but I had to make it fun for me." "Boy, he's really been burning the candle at both ends lately, huh?" "Walked in my door at 3:00 this morning with the devil's grin on his face and stripper glitter in his teeth." "Hey, man." "I'm almost ready." "I just need a couple of more minutes to moisturize." "Better not be using my good face cream on them ashy elbows of yours." "I'll stop using your face cream when you stop ruining my good razor on them wiry-ass chin whiskers." "What did I tell you about mentioning my chin whiskers in front of company?" "It's really just the one, but I ain't going to lie, you could tow a boat with that thing." "Your secret's safe with me." "Michael, can I ask you something?" "No, I cannot see it from here." "Thank you, baby." "But what I was wondering is if you know any girls you can introduce Carlton to." "I don't think Carl's really looking for anything serious right now." "He's still kind of sowing his wild oats." "Well, if he keeps carrying on the way he is," "I'm going to be sewing him into his bedsheets and beating him with a bag of oranges." "You know what?" "I'll keep my eyes open." "All right, if the two of you can wrap up the chitchat, then maybe I won't be late for work." "If I killed him, you'd give me a head start, wouldn't you?" "mmm." "Man, I really appreciate you driving today." "Happy to do it." "Is this the farthest the seat goes back?" "The problem ain't how far it goes back;" "It's how far you go forward." "Every time I turn the wheel, my shirt comes untucked." "Well, I-I can drive if you want me to." "Ah, relax." "You look beat." "I did party pretty late last night." "One of the dancers and I made a real connection." ""Connection," like her hair extensions got caught in your zipper "connection"?" "Hey, don't make it dirty." "No, this was a spiritual thing." "She gave me a three-song lap dance, but only charged me for two." "You sure she just wasn't bad at math?" "That was my first thought, too, but then I saw her adding her tips up at the end of the night." "Girl was like rain man in a g-string." "Tell me, Carl, you ever feel like maybe you're wasting your naturally loving nature on, shall we say, skanks?" "Ah, I see." "Just because a woman takes money to shake her naked butt in your face, that makes her a skank?" "Well, it is one of the warning signs." "I just think you deserve better." "What about a nice girl from your church?" "I already tried hooking up with them two-faced baptist women." "They'll rock your world on Saturday night." "Come Sunday morning, they're repenting their sins in front of the whole congregation." "And them bitches name names." "Sorry." "Just trying to get comfortable." "Hey, remind me to order a tuna melt for Molly so I can drop it off for her at work." "Ah, that's thoughtful." "You see, Carl, it's important in a relationship to go the extra mile for your lady." "Make them feel special." "Let them know you're thinking about them." "Yeah, surprise them a little." "It's not that much of a surprise." "She told me to do it this morning." "Whoa, man." "Where'd she come from?" "There's not a hospital around here." "The lab coat doesn't necessarily mean doctor." "They wear them behind the makeup counter at the mall and in some of your fancier candy stores." "No, no, she's carrying a tiny flashlight in her pocket, which means either optometrist or proctologist." "Well, heads or tails." "Either way, you win, right?" "Why don't you go talk to her?" "Oh, she ain't my type." "What do you mean?" "She's a beautiful, professional woman." "Age-appropriate." "Doesn't have a ring on her finger." "Exactly." "I'm thinking damaged goods." "Either divorced with a bunch of cats or one of them legs is aluminum." "Well, there's only one way to find out." "Man, I ain't going over there and kicking that woman in the leg." "Hey, Samuel." "You see that woman in the lab coat over there?" "What do you know about her?" "Not much." "Uh, her name is Christina." "Mid-30s." "Optometrist." "Moved here three months ago from Michigan." "She works down the street." "Orders lunch from here every day and picks it up at 12:45." "Usually a chicken sandwich on wheat with light Mayo." "She will sometimes order pie for dessert unless she had dessert the night before, and then no pie." "Uh, do you know if she's married or has a boyfriend?" "She's currently unattached and not interested in dating." "At least not a certain senegalese waiter who gave her free pickle Spears for a month and bought a pair of $300 reading glasses that he doesn't even need." "May I take your order?" "Look, just because she turned Samuel down doesn't mean she's going to turn you down." "We'll just go by her work, you walk in and introduce yourself." "And then what?" "Pretend I need glasses like Samuel did?" "Please." "He ended up not getting a date and looking like African Urkel." "Well, at least he doesn't walk up to strange women in bars and tell them they're under arrest for disturbing the pants." "Why are you so interested in my love life all of a sudden?" "I just think the right woman is out there for you, Carl, but she's not hanging from a pole or lifting her shirt at a bears game." "Hey, your bachelor days may be dead and buried, but don't grab me with your zombie hand and drag me into your sad-ass grave." "Hey, Molly, how you doing, cutie?" "Hey, Carl." "Where's the grub, bub?" "Ah, there's a two-lip delivery charge." "Outrageous." "I thought it was included." "Curly fries are getting cold, ma'am." "You drive a hard bargain, officer." "Thanks for doing this." "My pleasure." "I could've grabbed something from the cafeteria, but then I wouldn't get to see your cute face." "Well, you work so hard, and I really like taking care of you." "I don't know what I'd do without you." "You'd have about six more curly fries, I can tell you that." "Molly ah, only six." "You are a strong, strong man." "I better get back in there before they start huffing the permanent markers." "Love you." "I love you, too." "Bye, Carl." "All right, go ahead." "Take your best shot." "My bachelor days are done, and I'm just a love-struck loser with nothing but a lifetime of this to look forward to." "Quit rubbing it in, man." "What you have is beautiful." "I've got two women in my life." "Remember, you don't need to come on too strong." "This is just a meet and greet." "A get to know Carl McMillan." "I shouldn't be meeting a woman right now." "My eyes are puffy, my nails are ragged, and I'm not wearing my sharpshooter medal." "Listen, this is not about medals or bragging about how many marine push-ups you can do." "Yeah, 86." "Impressive, but irrelevant." "Those are the kind you clap in the middle." "I know, but you're not here to show off." "You just want to give her a little peek of what's in here without too much coming out of here." "So keep it mysterious is what you're saying." "Yes, mysteriously non-talkative." "All right." "What's our cover?" "Your eyes are fine, but your partner's having trouble driving at night." "Oh, I get it." "The old "partner can't see at night" routine." "Exactly." "And, uh, you're such a good friend you insisted that I come here and get my eyes checked." "Okay." "Then what?" "Then you talk to her." "But not too much." "Focus on listening." "Well, is that it?" "'Cause that's pretty thin and drastically unsexy." "We're not shooting for sexy." "Then bull's-eye." "Oh, man." "This would be so much easier if she was a proctologist." "What are you talking about?" "That way, she couldn't see the fear in my eyes." "Well, I think proctologists can sense fear, too." "Look, just take a deep breath and try not to talk unless absolutely necessary." "Hey." "Oh." "Good afternoon, officers." "How can I help you?" "Yeah, I've been having a little trouble with night vision, and my partner and very good friend, Carl, is worried about me driving." "The other night, I had to grab the wheel to keep him from mowing down three old ladies and a baby duck." "Oh, my God." "That's horrible." "Well, the old ladies are fine, but I'm still not ready to talk about the baby duck." "Carl." "Sorry." "Anyway, he insisted that I march right in here and get an eye exam." "Well, I'm pretty booked up for the rest of the day." "Can you come back tomorrow?" "Yes." "What time do you open?" "It doesn't have to be first thing in the morning." "Uh, this area is part of our beat, so anytime is fine with us." "Well, let me see what we have." "And-and just so you know, the two of us keep a very close eye on this neighborhood." "Unless it's at night- then it's all on me." "I can see some stuff." "I'm not completely blind." "Anyway, uh, here's our card." "Just call me when something opens up." "Uh, Carl, why don't you write down your cell number in case she needs to reach us directly?" "That's a great idea." "Uh, call me anytime." "If it goes to voice mail, I'm probably in the middle of a car chase or a shootout." "And don't assume there's anything weird about this." "We give this kind of personal attention to all the businesses around here." "Oh, good, 'cause I was thinking this is either the worst shakedown of all time or you guys are hitting on me." "No, no, no, no, no." "No, no, no." "But suppose one of us was checking the temperature of the water." "Well, you would find that water very tepid." "Oh, really?" "Tepid's not good, Carl." "I'm sorry." "I'm just not interested." "Oh." "All right." "I understand." "You're an independent, educated woman, and I'm just a dumb beat cop with just two years of junior college." "That's not what I'm saying." "You don't have to say anything." "I can see it by the way you're looking down your nose at me." "Carl, let it go." "No!" "I've been holding my tongue ever since we walked in here." "I know you think that's true, and that's your biggest problem." "Guys, I-I don't have time for this." "I have a patient waiting for me." "Patient?" "You're not even a real doctor." "All right, let's go." "And this ain't nothing but a glorified sunglass hut." "If she calls the cops on us, it's going to be very awkward." "Carl, why are you so upset?" "You get rejected by women all the time." "At least this one didn't blast you with pepper spray." "That fake lady doctor embarrassed me in public." "Well, luckily, it was at an optometrist's office, and none of the witnesses could actually make a positive I.D." "This is all just a big joke to you, isn't it?" "Telling me to wear my heart on my sleeve, and then laughing when she cuts off my arm and beats me with it." "Is that what you heard?" "Because, to me, it was just a polite no from a busy woman." "My mistake was letting you do all the talking for me." "Just because you got a girlfriend, all of a sudden, you think you're the Professor of love." "I'm not saying I know everything." "It's just, of the two of us," "I'm the one who's in a serious relationship." "And that was just blind luck." "Like when a monkey writes a book." "Look, I know you're upset..." "I think you're jealous because I'm living the life you always wished you had, and now that you're engaged, you ain't never gonna have it!" "Hey, you were the one crying at the school, saying you wanted what I got." "Hey, you know how emotional I get when I'm sleep deprived." "That's why I never watch the color purple unless I'm fully rested!" "Okay, from now on, I'll stay out of your life." "You want to spend every night picking up bar flies and cop groupies, that's your business." "And business is just fine, thank you very much." "Maybe you should stop worrying about me and take care of your own affairs." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Well, instead of butting into my life, maybe you should start thinking about why your fiancée is working late every night." "Hey, her job is important and she's got a lot of responsibilities!" "Unlike your girlfriends who just have to remember to windex the pole when they're done working." "I'm just saying, Molly's got a desk and books at home." "My girls got to go where the pole is." "So, how's everything going at work, honey?" "Well, the funeral home just hired a lady mortician, and I think she might be kind of sweet on me." "You sure she's not just being overly nice on her first day?" "I made the same assumption about the new Sparkletts gal." "Is that why we have to pick up the bottles at the curb?" "Yeah." "Apparently, she greets everyone with" ""mind if I grab your jugs?"" "Ah, there he is." "How was your day?" "Don't ask." "Carl was a bigger pain in the ass than usual today." "He's like a hemorrhoid with a badge." "Where's Molly?" "Not here." "Must be working late." "Again?" "Damn it!" "Look, I understand she wants this vice principal job and that means putting in some extra hours." "And nobody has been more supportive of that than me." "Right?" "!" "Am I right?" "!" "Absolutely, very supportive." "Right." "Absolutely." "And I understand that in a mature relationship, you have to be flexible." "This is not me still wishing I was single or being jealous of any other knucklehead that is!" "Didn't even go there." "Of course not." "I mean, come on, Molly and I are still in the early throes of love and we never spend any time together anymore!" "We love your company." "Aw, that's horrible." "You know what I'm gonna do?" "I'm gonna pack up a picnic and surprise her at work." "I'm not giving up on romance." "I'll show her we still got it, no matter what anybody else says!" "I didn't say anything." "Wouldn't dare." "Now, if you ladies are done, I'm gonna take the rest of this food and turn it into a magical dinner for two!" "All yours!" "Pack it up, Romeo." "Carlton, why aren't you at the strip club?" "You better get moving before all the other perverts get the ringside seats." "I'm not going out tonight." "I'm just gonna watch a little TV and go to bed." "Well, if you don't show up, how are them poor girls gonna pay their rent or buy their narcotics?" "Leave me alone, grandma." "Just go to your Bible study class." "I can get there a little bit late." "We're studying deuteronomy, and all them "shalt nots"" "put a damper on the drinking and trash talking." "What's troubling you?" "Do you think I'm ever gonna find a nice girl?" "You know, somebody I can really settle down with." "You could if you tried." "But you can't shake the whore tree and expect an angel to fall out." "I just don't feel like a really good woman would go for a guy like me." "Why not?" "You're a fine, decent, good-looking boy with a big, loving heart." "You're my grandma;" "You have to say that." "I don't have to say anything." "And I ain't blind to your flaws." "Many a time I had to use one hand to pull the other one away from your throat." "But I didn't raise you to be thinking you're not good enough." "Because you are." "And if you found the right girl and showed her the man I see every day, you'd have yet another good woman in your life who loves you for who you are." "Thanks, grandma." "I love you, too." "But when you do find a girl, don't think you got to share everything about yourself all at once." "Let her make peace with your leopard skin man thong before you start stealing her lady lotions." "That reminds me, I used all your cocoa butter." "Get out of my house." "Hey, teach." "Honey, what are you doing here?" "You missed dinner, so I thought" "I'd surprise you with a little picnic." "Oh, my God, I completely lost track of the time." "We can have some food, perhaps a little splash of vino." "Actually, we're not allowed to have alcohol on the school premises." "Right." "Like none of you teachers keep a bottle of hooch hidden in your desk or inside the Guinea pig cage." "You'd probably find some Wild Turkey in the wood shop, but that guy loses a finger a year." "All right, well, we can still enjoy a nice dinner together." "And maybe for dessert, something sweet and naughty in the teachers' lounge." "Oh, I don't know." "It'd be weird." "I have sex in there all the time with the janitor." "I'm kidding, I'm kidding!" "I just don't think it'd be a good idea." "Okay." "I shouldn't have dropped in unannounced." "I was trying to be spontaneous and romantic, and now I just feel stupid." "No, no, come on." "It's so sweet." "Showing up here with a little picnic basket." "You know how many times your mom and sister said," ""hey, where you going, Yogi?"" "A lot?" "Three times at the house and once in a text message." "Look, I-I know I've been putting in tons of extra hours, and I really appreciate your patience." "It's just, I never get to see you anymore." "I got nobody to gripe about my day to except your mom and your sister." "Yeah, they're not very good listeners, are they?" "The worst." "It's like talking to a bottle of wine and a bong." "You'd think one of them would know how to say," ""it's gonna be all right, sweetie."" "It is gonna be all right, sweetie." "See, you don't even know what I'm talking about and you made me feel better." "I'm gonna make it up to you." "Tomorrow night, romantic evening, just you and me." "You don't have to do that." "Hey, I want to." "Missing goes both ways, buddy." "Hey, you know what?" "I can take a little break." "Crack this picnic basket open." "Really?" "Yeah." "I need a little fiancé time." "Know what?" "Open that bottle of wine." "What if somebody walks in?" "I'll just tell them it's yours, Yogi." "Whatever you say, Boo-Boo." "Hey." "Remember me?" "You kind of look like this crazy cop that came by earlier, but, uh, I can't imagine him showing his face again." "Yeah, look... about that." "I'm sorry for the way that went down." "I wasn't trying to be mean." "I'm just not interested in dating anyone right now." "I understand, and I'm not here to press the issue." "I just wanted a chance to explain myself." "You don't owe me any explanations." "Although, an apology for that "not a doctor" comment might be in order." "Yeah, that was my bruised ego talking." "I get intimidated by women of your caliber." "My caliber?" "Yeah." "You're beautiful, smart, successful and can see right through a guy like me." "Hey, it's your life." "If you want to be a player, that's your business." "I just don't have time for that." "See, here's the thing, I'm not really a player." "I mean, I am, but I'm not really good at it." "Are you playing me right now?" "No." "Unless it's working for you." "Look, I'm sure you're a nice guy." "But I already live with a nice guy." "Oh." "And he's six years old." "You have a kid?" "Yeah, so if you want to turn and run, the exit to the sunglass hut is right there." "You kidding me?" "I love kids." "Really?" "Yeah." "I mean, I don't have any of my own, but I used to be one." "My grandma says I still am." "By the way, I live with my grandma." "You're kidding." "No, I should probably stop talking right about now." "No, no, keep going." "I'm starting to see you're really not much of a player at all." "Oh, no, what you saw was just a handsome facade." "I'm really a mess inside." "Yeah, no matter how many medals I've won or how many marine push-ups I can do." "86, by the way." "Those are the kind that you clap in the middle." "Yeah, I know those kind." "I'm serious, I can do those." "I'm sure you can." "You know, I can't believe" "I thought you were stuck up when I first saw you..." "So it turns out the lady mortician is a lesbian, but I'm apparently not her type." "How'd you find that out?" "I asked her if she was a lesbian and she said "yes."" "Then I asked her if I was her type and she said "no."" "Hey, big boy." "Your fiancée's upstairs." "And we were told to deliver this message to you personally." ""Now serving dessert in the teacher's lounge."" "She means the bedroom." "But we didn't read it." "Mm-mm." "Excuse me, ladies." "I love you, Molly Flynn."