"Gentlemen, welcome." "Now this is a very special occasion, and although I don't know the nature of your mission-- an oversight, I'm sure" "( laughs ):" "I am aware that this must be a task that will bring greater glory to the Third Reich." "Now, I am very proud that Stalag 13 was chosen, because this is the most secure place in all of Germany." "From time to time, there have been escape attempts, but not one has been successful." "Stalag 13 has the reputation of..." "All positions report." "Over." "Six Kraut officers just arrived, Colonel." "Confirming, six of them." "Two, three, four, five, six." "Let me double check that for you, Colonel." "Never mind, Carter, you're holding up the war." "What are the Krauts-- SS, Wehrmacht, Luftwaffe?" "There's not enough light, Colonel." "I can't make them out." "Hold on." "LeBeau, we need more light on the subject." "Colonel, the guards in those towers are very nervous at night." "It's my guess they won't shoot." "And if they shoot me, it means you guessed wrong." "No one's perfect." "( grumbles )" "From all the other prison camps, they fly away like birds." "But here, at Stalag 13, we know where every prisoner is every moment." "( shouting in French )" "Don't shoot!" "Don't shoot!" "( shouting in French ) What is this?" "LeBeau, Commandant." "But-but what happened?" "( speaking French )" "Do you expect me to believe that?" "Of course, mon commandant." "Schultz, put him on report." "Get him out of here!" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "( both bickering )" "SCHULTZ:" "Come on, LeBeau..." "I can read them now, Colonel." "Luftwaffe." "Confirming Kinch's report, Colonel" " Luftwaffe." "Yep, I can read them now." "They're Luftwaffe, and there are six of them." "Carter, I don't know what I'd do without you... but sometimes I'd like to try." "But I tell you, I know nothing!" "Nothing!" "You spend a week fixing up the barracks." "Six Luftwaffe officers move in." "Since when is that nothing?" "Come on, Schultz, you can't be all that stupid." "Who says I can't?" "Colonel, it's just possible that our Kraut friend here is telling the truth." "Yeah, maybe." "Okay, Schultz, thanks anyway." "I'm glad someone believes me." "LeBeau, what's interesting in the Red Cross package this week?" "LeBEAU:" "Oh, let's see now." "Hey, we have chocolate." "Hey, chocolate." "Chocolate with nuts." "Oh, wow." "Chocolate with raisin." "Chocolate with raisin." "Chocolate with raisin and nuts." "I'll have the nut." "( all talking at once )" "SCHULTZ:" "I-I don't..." "I..." "I take chocolate with anything!" "I take chocolate with anything!" "I take raising and nuts!" "Raisin and nuts for me, please!" "I take..." "Uh, uh, uh!" "Schultz..." "What about the Luftwaffe officers?" "They left early this morning when it was still dark." "But their gear is still in the barracks." "They will be brought back tonight." "From where?" "The big shots don't tell me everything." "All right." "See, Schultz, you're not so stupid." "I'm still not convinced." "Six Krauts leave camp, but they'll be brought back." "Their stuff's still here." "They've moved in." "But why in a stalag?" "Well, could be for security reasons." "Kinch, any problem with bugging their barracks?" "Only if we get caught and shot." "A mere detail." "He never worries about funeral arrangements until the last minute." "Look, Carter, LeBeau... ( plane flying overhead ) Wait a minute, hold it." "What's that?" "It's a plane." "I know that." "That's not a German plane." "Hey, it's RAF." "What's it doing here?" "It must be lost." "Impossible-- we're too deep in Germany." "Fighters don't have that range." "Hey, look!" "More of them!" "How do you figure it, Colonel?" "I don't know." "Maybe the RAF has a secret air base here in Germany." "Eh, that's crazy." "Maybe our guys have invaded Europe." "We'd be the first to know." "We would?" "Sure." "That great German war machine Colonel Klink would be hiding under his bed." "No, no, no, no!" "But we must get inside this building." "We've come to shine their boots." "What?" "Commandant's orders." "This building is strictly verboten." "It is off limits to everybody." "Well, that's great, because we didn't want to shine their boots anyway." "I will just tell the commandant that Schultz chased us away..." "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait." "I didn't say no..." "as long as these are his orders." "Mm, why doesn't he tell me these things?" "Well, the commandant is a busy man." "Yeah." "It's not easy to lose a war." "All right." "Polish the boots." "Yeah, we'll make it fast, Schultz." "Tell me something." "Did the commandant say anything about shining my boots?" "Not a word." "Hmm..." "But we'll do it anyway." "You will?" "Thank you." "Hey, LeBeau, where..." "LeBeau?" "How do you like that?" "He's gone." "What do you mean?" "Well, he must've sneaked out." "He's always goofing off." "Now I'm fighting this war single-handed." "You work!" "Oh, if I catch that little cockroach," "I'll-I'll..." "Oh, believe me, I will!" "LeBeau." "We'll run it to the ceiling and up to the roof." "Kinch can hook it tonight to the phone wire." "But if Schultz comes back and catches us, what'll we tell him we're doing?" "Ah, we'll say we're putting in air conditioning." "That's a good idea." "I just knew you'd like it." "They just went into the barracks." "Burkhalter and some bush colonel and Klink." "Good." "Let's hope it works." "I did the best I could." "It's got to work." "I shined six pair of boots." "Seven pairs, with Schultz." "All right, what are you complaining about?" "Now you both have a trade for after the war." "At ease, gentlemen." "This is Colonel Leman, who will be in command for the final phase of your training." "Nice work, Kinch!" "Hey, it works, huh?" "!" "All right, all right, pipe down, let's hear this." "Gentlemen, up until now, you have been learning how to fly RAF planes... of the type used by the British Fighter Command." "You were right, Colonel." "You had it pegged." "I wish I'd been wrong." "And now I will explain your mission." "Well, hurry it up." "The suspense is killing us." "All of you have been chosen for Operation Albatross." "Operation Albatross!" "Ooh, I like that name." "I'm glad." "There was no time to consult you in advance." "Oh, that's quite all right, Herr General." "Thank you." "And shut up!" "Shut up, yes, sir." "Shut up." "Beginning tomorrow, you will learn" "RAF recognition codes and flight patterns." "After that, you and your planes will be transported to our airfields on the coast of France." "At that time, you will fly up, infiltrate the enemy squadrons, shoot them down and destroy them." "You will be the foxes among the sheep." "And your first strike against the enemy will be on the 12th-- a birthday present for our beloved Reich's Marshal Goering." "Any questions?" "Any comments?" "( clears throat ):" "Gentlemen..." "I just want to tell you how proud I am to be the commandant of your base for this very important mission." "Now, I feel pers..." "Excellent." "The moment we named it Operation Albatross, we thought of you." "Thank you, Herr General." "That's all, gentlemen." "Oh, General, Colonel." "There is just one little problem." "What have you done now?" "I distinctly saw Colonel Hogan watching the planes when they flew over the camp." "Klink, do not try to explain this incident to him." "If he asks questions, do not act as if you know anything." "You know nothing!" "You are ignorant!" "Yes, sir, I'm ignorant." "I shall do it right away." "I have every confidence in your ability along those lines." "Realize the damage those Krauts could do to the British Bomber Command?" "Foxes among the sheep." "If they take off just once, just once, they could kill off a lot of our planes." "We've got to head them off." "We don't even know where they keep the fighters." "Kinch, get a message to the underground." "Tell them to check all the airfields in the area and look for anything suspicious." "And I need a quick answer." "Right, Colonel." "Let's see if we can kill off that albatross while it's still on the ground." "They're pretty nice birds, you know." "They just have a bad name." "It's not getting any better... and neither are you." "Nice looking bunch of dogs today, Schnitzer." "To me, a dog is a dog." "Except maybe Fritzy here." "What about him?" "I don't know." "He's been acting very strange, and I think he's trying to tell me something." "What are you two mumbling about?" "You are not supposed to be here at all." "I know, I know." "That's what makes it fun." "See you later, Fritzy, and we'll have a nice talk." "( barks )" "( whispers inaudibly )" "Hey, Fritzy." "Come on." "Here, Fritzy." "That's it, Fritzy." "Come on, baby." "Come on." "That's it, baby." ""Usual place, 2200 hours, Conrad."" "Carter, go out and bring him in through the emergency tunnel." "Right, Colonel." "LeBeau, get the dog back before they miss him." "Oui, Colonel." "Thanks a lot, Fritzy." "You've been a big help." "Heil Hitler." "( vicious barking )" "Are you sure he's a German shepherd?" "There's an emergency airfield approximately here, Colonel." "About five kilometers north of Hammelburg, huh." "Six planes, disbursed, barbed wire fence." "Main gate guarded by two sentries, and more of them inside the wire." "( sighing ):" "All right, that's it." "Let's try for tomorrow night." "I'll need six of your best men, automatic weapons." "Kinch will give you the assembly point and time later." "You can depend on us, Colonel." "Good." "LeBeau, take him out." "Right, sir." "Come on." "Carter... we've got six planes." "We need six demolition charges, short time fuses." "You've got it, boy." "I mean, "sir."" "We need an alibi." "Alibi?" "Yeah, the Krauts know we saw the planes." "We blow them up, they link it back to us." "They start investigating, our whole operation could go down the drain." "Why don't I stay behind and tell them I was having this party and that you were all with me." "And that we were dancing and everything was..." "Carter... why don't you join the other side?" "Hold it, hold it." "Party." "The Krauts have been having a shindig in Klink's quarters every night, celebrating in advance." "Yeah?" "Why can't I become the life of that party?" "The supply convoy will take this route to the coast." "I think you're right, Colonel." "And for security purposes, the personnel carriers will go in the autobahn." "Sorry, Colonel." "I didn't know you were busy." "Well, I am." "I just wanted to add one thing to our Red Cross requisition, sir." "Request denied." "Dismissed." "We need Ping-Pong balls, sir." "All right, all right, Ping-Pong balls." "Dismissed." "Thank you, sir." "Excuse me." "Aren't you Captain Kurt Leman?" "Colonel Leman..." "Richard." "Of course. "Daredevil Dick" we used to call you." "What is this?" "I was attached to the RAF for a while, and I read all their intelligence reports on Germany's best pilots." "You... you flew stookers in Norway, didn't you, Colonel?" "Well, yes." "As a matter of fact, I did, and that was no beer party, I can tell you that." "Yeah, that's why we called you" ""Daredevil Dick."" "Now, come to think of it, they even had your picture posted in the ready room with a caption that read:" ""Dangerous-- Handle With Care."" "I'm glad to know the enemy appreciated my efforts." "So has your own people;" "you've been promoted." "Oh, incidentally, my name is Hogan, senior P.O.W. officer." "All right, all right, this is all very interesting..." "You gonna be around for a while?" "We might have an hour or so of good old pilot talk." "Well, yes-- as a matter of fact, we're going to have a little get-together in the commandant's quarters if you care to join us... oh, with the Colonel's permission." "Impossible!" "Request denied!" "It's a violation of security." "Colonel Hogan is a prisoner here, Colonel." "Well, in that case," "I'd better contact General Burkhalter." "And a very trusted prisoner, sir, and we might make an exception." "Thank you, Commandant." "Tonight at 8:00." "8:00." "I'll be looking forward to it." "Gentlemen." "Comes in here for Ping-Pong balls and gets himself invited to a party." "( laughter )" "So, anyway, anyway," "I got on the radio then to the squadron leader, and I said, "My fuselage is full of holes." "I can't make it home." "What should I do?"" "And he said, "Don't land in Switzerland." "They'll sell you for cheese."" "( all guffawing )" "Oh, oh, oh, oh, easy, Colonel." "I've already had four shots of this machine oil." "Machine oil?" "This is our best brandy." "Then you'd better check and see what they're putting in your carburetor." "( all roaring with laughter )" "He has an amazing sense of humor." "Yes, yes." "Oh, I'm..." "I'm so glad I invited him." "KLINK:" "Tell me, Colonel, what was the last campaign... ( Morse code beeping )" "Conrad's in position." "We're all set." "How do you like our Krauts?" "They look good enough to shoot." "Merci for nothing." "We've got about 40 minutes." "Everybody relax." "Well, they didn't have many planes." "The Dutch Air Force gave us a run for our money." "Oh, all this flying talk, it's so exhilarating." "Tell me, Colonel, have you ever had any combat experience?" "Only with headquarters in Berlin." "( laughing )" "Well, you see, sir, uh, we administrative people have many problems." "Yeah, sure, when he crashes, they just give him a new desk." "Oh!" "You all right?" "General, uh," "Colonel Hogan is drinking too much." "Nein, nein, let him oil up." "If he loosens his tongue, we may learn a few things." "Has he mentioned anything about the RAF planes he saw?" "Shh!" "Not a word." "I, uh, was prepared to be ignorant just as you ordered, Herr General." "The most unnecessary orders I ever gave." "Okay, Olsen, time to go." "Right." "So long." "Good luck." "To all of us." "Hogan?" "Hogan!" "Huh, passed out." "Typical American weakness." "Can't drink, can't finish wars they start." "Mm!" "Anybody home?" "Shh!" "Oh, here's the map, Colonel." "You stay on the Hammelburg road, you can't miss it." "The weapons carriers are a half mile outside the perimeter." "Thanks, Kinch." "What's the word from Conrad?" "He'll meet you on the road, near the field." "Achtung!" "Soldiers of the Third Reich, let's move out." "Jawohl, Herr Kapitan." "Stick to English, will you?" "You've got enough trouble." "*" "Situation?" "Airfield's just around the next turn." "The sergeant and one man on duty at the gate." "Where are your men?" "Right here." "They're all set." "All right, good." "Hop in." "Let's go." "( whistles )" "Achtung!" "Open up!" "The password for the day, Herr Hauptmann?" "Password?" "I haven't heard anything about a password." "You hear, Schmidt?" "Nein, Herr Kaptain." "You're delaying us, Sergeant." "Open up." "Well, sir, if you don't have the password... may I see your orders?" "Yes, of course." "( speaking German )" "Your orders, Herr Hauptmann?" "Don't move." "Get them in there, quick." "I'll open the gate." "Move!" "( shouting command )" "All right, LeBeau, Carter, get the charges into those planes." "Set the timers for 60 seconds, no longer." "Oui, Colonel." "You'd better watch those barracks." "We don't need any surprises." "Yes, Colonel." "Come on, boys." "( footsteps approaching )" "There, General." "I wanted you to see Colonel Hogan in all his glory." "Hogan, wake up!" "( muttering )" "( grumbling )" "Dead to the world." "Phew!" "It smells of schnapps in here." "Phew!" "Terrible." "Let him sleep." "( crickets chirping )" "( explosions )" "( sirens blaring )" "Good work!" "Get in the truck!" "Colonel, you'd better leave at once!" "What about the barracks?" "We can handle that." "All right, good luck." "Let's go." "You fools!" "How could you let such a thing happen?" "Road blocks at once, yes, yes." "Our planes have been destroyed on the ground-- sabotage." "But-but how is such a thing possible?" "Mainly because you were in charge of security." "General, you mentioned sabotage." "Three men in Luftwaffe uniform forced their way into the airfield." "One of them fits the description of our friend Hogan, by the way." "But it is only a coincidence... or is it?" "Hogan?" "Hogan!" "Aw, come on, pipe down and let a guy sleep, will you?" "Six of our planes destroyed!" "Sabotage!" "( fingers snapping ):" "I miss everything." "I'd like to leave a call for 6:00 a.m." "I got an early war in the morning." ""(End of Episode)""