"Subtitles:" "Luís Filipe Bernardes" "Oh, Miss Minter, you mustn't turn that off." "It's getting on my nerves." "Sorry, but it's Mrs. Mantel's orders." "Mrs. Mantel?" "Who's she?" "She's Mr. Smith's mother-in-law." "She wasn't home for dinner tonight." "I didn't even know he was married until a few moments ago." "He's inclined to forget it himself at times." "He's uh... very susceptible." "That Simon Legree susceptible?" "Maybe my "it" isn't working today." "The day isn't over yet." "What do you mean?" "As night goes on, at 8 o'clock, to be precise, he changes." "Changes?" "How?" "Well, during the day, Mr. Smith is a lawyer, a businessman." "But at 8 o'clock a little bird starts singing in his soul and he begins to bloom." "Bloom?" "Any pretty woman can twist him around the finger." "Any pretty woman?" "The prettier she is the more twisted he gets." "It's what they call pre-natal influence." "That's a new alibi for an old complaint." "You notice the lady of the song is called Madeline." "That's Mrs. Smith's name also." "Oh..." "And mother-in-law's idea is to keep the husband's mind on his absent wife, eh?" "Exactly." "Andrews!" "Yes, sir?" "His mind is very active tonight." "Audubon 2456." "Yes, please." "Hello?" "Hello, Minty!" "Hey, listen, Diane." "Your husband didn't forget himself and stay home tonight, did he?" "No, he's out again." "Well listen, this is very important." "You put on your prettiest dress and come on over here." "I found the very lawyer to get your divorce for you." "And from all I hear it won't cost you any more than a smile or two." "That sounds great, Minty." "Who is he?" "I say, who is he and where can I find him?" "He's a lawyer I started working for today." "Mr. Richard Smith." "You know the address." "And, uh, Diane... get here by 8 o'clock." "Yes, 8 o'clock." "Will you come?" "Sure, I'll be there." "Miss Minter, Mr. Smith wants you to bring your notebook and pencil." "More dictation?" "Remarkable how active his mind is tonight." "It's nearly 8 o'clock." "You had better hurry." "Hurry nothing." "I want to see how a man acts when he... blooms." "Good evening, Andrews." "I hope you haven't kept dinner waiting for me." "No, mam." "Has Mr. Smith finished yet?" "He's having his dessert in his room." "Dessert in his room, eh?" "Thank heaven I got home before 8 o'clock." "Yes, mam." "Just a minute, Andrews." "I'll take this." "It's a new phonograph record." "We must not let him grow tired of the other one." "No, mam." "A man can't be reminded too much of anything." "Even a wife." "Dessert in his room, eh?" "Pardon me, were you looking for someone?" "Certainly not for you." "I had no idea that Mr. Smith was entertaining lady friends." "Well, I'd hardly say I'd gotten that far." "I'm only here on trial." "Trial?" "Yes, he promised that if I made good today, he'd keep me." "Keep you?" "Oh..." "Oh, I see." "You're the new secretary." "Well, of course." "What did you think?" "If you knew my son-in-law as I know him you wouldn't blame me for having misjudged you." "You don't mean he's a passion flower." "No, he's no geranium." "And if you're wise, you won't stay here another minute." "I don't mind." "I get paid double for it." "Nothing could pay you for what might happen." "You're not at all the sort of young woman that should be around here after... 8 o'clock." "You'd be surprised." "Andrew!" "Andrew!" "Where in the name of..." "Andrew!" "Yes, yes, sir?" "The top drawer of my writing the cabinet is all broken, all my important the papers all over the floor." "Pick them up at once." "At once!" "Yes, sir." "Miss Minter, you have those papers ready for my signature?" "Not yet, Mr. Smith." "You see, your mother-in-law..." "Oh, hang my mother-in-law." "Yes, sir..." "Uh?" "Oh, hello, mother." "Oh, mother, pardon my English." "I thought you were in Newark." "Sorry to disappoint you." "But Richard, if you're not too busy, I would like just a word with you." "One word?" "Why that's unusual." "What is it?" "I want to see you alone." "Well, that's impossible at the present moment, mother." "Impossible!" "But Richard, I have something very important to tell you." "Miss Minter, please, what did you do with the papers on the Randall murder case?" "Richard, I have a surprise for you." "Oh, you're going home?" "Splendid..." "Oh, I'm sorry..." "Mother, please!" "Can't you see that I'm busy with Miss Minter?" "Miss Minter, busy, please." "Busy, busy, busy." "Humph!" "Busy!" "Mother, your suspicions hurt me." "Now what possible objection can you have to Miss Minter?" "Well, I don't like her wiggle." "Her what?" "Her wiggle, her walk." "Oh, I hadn't noticed it." "Miss Minter, wiggle." "Err, that is, walk, please." "Oh... that'll do." "Never do that again during business hours." "Never!" "Now, come mother, come." "Run along like a good little girl and I promise you the only thing she'll wiggle is her Corona." "But Richard, now we must have our talk." "You'll send for me when she leaves?" "I will, mother, I will, if you promise not to come until I send for you." "All right, Richard, dear." "Remember, I trust you." "Since when." "Now, Miss Minter, where were we?" "I err..." "Ah, yes, yes." "Oh, yes... hmm..." "Remarkable speech of Richard Smith in the Randall murder case." "Hmm..." "The eminent lawyer... hmm..." "Oh, my word!" "Why that's a picture of me." "Why, you couldn't tell me from the murderer." "You know I could sue a firm like this." "Sue them for libel." "Come, come, come... to work." "Dictation." "Take a letter." "Are you ready?" "Shoot." "I..." "Dignity, please, Miss Minter, during office hours." "I'll try it again." "Are you ready?" "Yes, Mr. Smith." "That's better." "Mr. George Spellbin, Elizabethtown, New York, Dear Sir." "Got that?" "Just a minute." "Miss Minter, what is the matter?" "Mr. Smith!" "Mr. George Spellbin was the name, Elizabethtown, New York, Dear Sir." "I'm in receipt of your proposition offering me $1,000 to assist you in defense of your client accused of uh... of uh..." "Dear me, what was that accusation?" "Murder... don't tell me!" "Your suggestion that two weeks in the country would be almost a vacation..." "Period." "We'll make the fee $2,000 and cut the vacation." "Gleaming lakes and rose gardens do not appeal to me." "As I am a businessman, strictly business." "Strictly business." "Gleaming lakes." "And rose gardens." "It's a pretty thought." "Pretty flower." "That letter can wait, Miss Minter." "Take a note." "Miss Lucille Darling, Vanderbilt Hotel, New York City." "Have you got that?" "Just a minute." "Take your time, Miss Minter, take your time." "My dear Miss Darling." "I called at your apartment last Tuesday night four times between the hours of 8 and 12." "When you make an appointment with me you should not fool me." "Will you please return my blue silk pajamas" "Mr. Smith!" "...which I loaned you for the Arts Students' Ball." "Very disrespectfully, Richard..." "But you know my name, Miss Minter." "I don't have to tell you." "We'll call it a day, shall we?" "It's been a very hard day, too." "I wonder, do you feel like a cordial?" "Very cordial." "Oh, you little wisecracker." "You may wiggle for me, if you like." "Yes, that'll do." "Mother was right." "A very dangerous woman." "Doubly dangerous." "Andrews!" "Oh, Andrews." "Andrews, bring a cordial, will you, please?" "Sorry, sir." "But there's not a drink in the house." "Mrs. Mantel's orders, sir." "Oh, how stupid." "But you weren't thirsty anyway, were you?" "No." "But she didn't say anything about nothing being on the hip." "Good old Andrews." "Andrews is a perfect container." "I mean, retainer." "Bring some glasses, will you, Andrews?" "Yes, sir." "Well, you said you'd give me a day's trial." "How do you like my work?" "A little rough." "But sincere." "You consider yourself engaged." "Thank you." "Thank you, thank you." "You're quite sure that this is fit for a lady?" "That'll fit anybody, sir." "Say no more." "Will you want me anymore this evening, sir?" "Not this evening." "Thank you, sir." "Thank you." "Loose moments." "You know, Ms. Minter, all great men must have their moments of relaxation." "The greater the man, the greater the moments." "Are you suggesting anything?" "Anything." "Do you like dancing?" "I love dancing." "Is that so?" "Loose moments." "What have you got on tonight?" "Nothing I can't get out of, why?" "You know, you, and I, and Jessie James were just made for each other." "Oh, really?" "Yes." "I wonder, I wonder, will you meet me tonight at 10?" "Ten?" "Where?" "The Lounge in the Hotel Astor." "We'll have a little supper, we'll have a little dance..." "Oh, you have a pretty mouth." "Oh, I like your moustache." "Really?" "Well, shall we introduce them?" "Oh, mother, I see you have on your rubber heels again." "Miss Minter just met with a serious accident." "Here, Miss Minter." "These things are very painful, but they must be endured." "There." "Are you feeling better?" "Yes." "So am I..." "Miss Minter was just leaving." "Yes, thank you." "Will you need me tomorrow, Mr. Smith?" "At ten. (Ten at the Astor)." "What was that, Richard?" "Hm?" "Oh, I said 10 o'clock." "You said Astor." "Did I?" "Yes, I "asked her" to come at 10." "Well I wish you good night." "Oh, a very, very, very good night." "Richard, I want to talk to you about something of great importance." "Oh, this is an outrage!" "The idea of leaving important letters like this lying around on my desk." "Andrews!" "What has happened?" "Oh, I told you, you know I told you..." "Look!" "Now look, it's happened." "Where are you going?" "I'm going downtown on business." "Andrews, my hat, my stick..." "You are not going out of this house tonight!" "I have to, mother, you don't understand." "This is a matter of life or death." "Andrews, if anybody telephones to me, you tell them that I've gone." "Yes, sir." "He won't!" "You haven't gone!" "Mother, would you stoop to do a thing like that?" "I'd do anything to keep you from going out." "You don't seem to understand." "This is from Mrs. Roach." "Mrs. Cockward Roach." "I don't care what kind of a roach she is." "But I'm handling all her private affairs." "You can do it in the daytime, not at night." "Her husband has threatened to shoot her." "And if he does that, I'll probably lose my fee." "If you go, you will probably lose your life." "Let me see that note." "Never!" "This is private." "You mean it's an alibi." "Andrews, take Mr. Smith's hat and stick." "Now, Richard Smith, sit down!" "And you listen to me." "You know I'm fond of you." "Well, anybody can see that, mother." "And you promised Madeline as long as she was away that you'd conduct your business here and never go out at night." "A lawyer's life..." "You'd be the first one to regret it if you broke your promise to her." "...and a doctor's life..." "And you did it because you know how weak you are... after 8 o'clock." "The public demands of a certain..." "You wanted her to have a happy, contented holiday." "I certainly did." "That's the reason you're not going out tonight." "Oh, I'm not going out?" "Not as long as I'm here to prevent it." "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." "Well, in that case, mother, you win." "With a couple of pounds to spare." "Richard..." "I daresay you'll think I'm a very foolish old woman." "Oh, no, mother, no." "Not old, a little foolish, perhaps, but not old." "Thank you." "I bought you a little present today." "You bought something?" "For me?" "Hm-hmm." "Well, the idea." "Well, what was it?" "Guess." "Is it animal, vegetable, or mineral?" "Just a little reminder." "It'll make a wonderful companion piece to old Madeline." "Baby Feet." "Baby's footsteps on the stairs Baby's footsteps on the stairs" "I hear them now, those little feet pitter-patter, pitter-patter on the stairs." "Oh, ma." "Yes, Ricky, that's my secret ambition." "To hear the pitter-patter of little feet." "Oh, Ma." "Oh, Richard." "Richard, you're now independently successful and there's no further need of economy." "And I..." "Now, Mother, don't flatter me." "Oh, Richard." "I must hear the pitter-patter off little feet." "All right, mother." "I'll make a note of it." "And tonight, I don't care what happens to Mrs. Cockward Roach." "Andrews!" "Andrews..." "Oh, you see that, Mother, my voice is gone again." "I've been talking altogether too much." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "Is there something I can do?" "No, just let me stay here quietly, alone, and rest all by myself." "Andrews, my dressing gown." "Yes, sir." "Now, Mother, doesn't that prove to you that I can be trusted?" "I do trust you, Richard." "I do!" "Good night, Mother." "And I'm going to look in on you every now and then to remind you of it." "Yes, you look in and I'll look out." "Good night, good night." "And I have a surprise for you, a little later on." "That's splendid." "Good night, Mother." "Why, I have a notion to tell you what it is." "But if you tell me it won't be a surprise." "Oh, you dear ridiculous boy." "I'm so glad you're in a good humor tonight." "I'm so happy." "Pitter-patter, pitter-patter, pitter-patter..." "What..." "Could you close your mouth long enough to tell me what you're waiting for?" "Yes, sir." "I didn't know what to tell you in front of Mrs. Mantel, sir." "But there's a young lady waiting to see you." "A young lady?" "Yes, sir." "To see me?" "Yes, sir." "What kind of young lady?" "Well sir, I should say a very impressive young lady." "Blond hair, blue eyes..." "Five-foot-two, 106..." "And all around 34 with..." "That'll do." "If I want to know anything more about the young lady..." "I'll find it out for myself." "What does all the round 34, what does she want?" "Business, sir." "She was sent by a mutual friend." "You know as well as I do that this long after-business hour..." "And besides my voice is gone again." "I won't." "I won't see anybody." "I know, Mr. Smith, but I couldn't come any other time." "Can't you see me?" "Why, who said I couldn't see you?" "That will do, Andrews." "Yes, sir." "I thought it would, sir." "Pardon me, but haven't I seen you somewhere?" "Well, that depends." "I may not have been there." "Oh, yes..." "I see that one." "But I know your face." "I'm sure that we must have met." "Well, I..." "Now, now, now, don't tell me." "I'll get you in just a minute, yes..." "Won't you sit down?" "Thank you." "Oh, I'll get you yet." "I know your face..." "No!" "Why, it's Miss O'Dare." "Yes!" "Diane O'Dare." "My favorite screen actress." "Really?" "How nice." "My, I feel that we should be very, very good friends." "I've seen so much of you." "What?" "I mean, I've seen you so often." "Oh..." "I'm afraid you're making fun of me." "Not at all, not at all." "Diane O'Dare." "Well, what can I do to you... for you, Miss O'Dare?" "Andrews, the man, he said something about a mutual friend." "Yes, your new secretary, Kitty Minter advised me to come and see you." "Oh, you're a friend of Miss Minter's." "Yes." "Oh, well..." "And, oh, Mr. Smith, I think you're a perfectly wonderful man." "Really?" "Hm-hmm." "I mean, in your business." "Oh..." "Everyone's talking about the wonderful speech you made in the Randall murder case." "Oh, they're talking about it, are they?" "Yes." "What about Lonely Wives?" "Yes, it was very good." "That came right from the heart." "And that's why I came." "Yes?" "Of course, you're a murder lawyer, aren't you?" "Yes, I specialize in murders." "You haven't murdered anyone, have you?" "Well, no, not yet." "That is, I..." "Well, of course I don't believe I could be very much assistance, you see, until after the crime is committed." "I only thought, on account of your feeling for lonely wives...." "Yes?" "You might get me a divorce from my husband." "A husband?" "Uh-huh." "A husband?" "Yes." "That's different." "Well, as a matter of fact, Miss O'Dare..." "I thoroughly and strongly disapprove of divorce." "My specialty is murders." "Oh, but this would be such a little one." "No, no." "Just a nice, quiet, sweet little divorce." "You do not realize that modern civilization is founded on err... the unity, the..." "Those eyes..." "I don't suppose you mean that." "Mean what, Mr. Smith?" "That err... that "come and get me" expression in them." "I don't know what you're talking about." "What a pity!" "You know I can hardly believe that you're married." "Well, I'm not very much." "That's why I want the divorce." "Your husband is giving you trouble?" "He's not giving me anything." "He's an actor." "A bad actor?" "Not exactly." "He's really quite good on the stage." "Oh, what an alibi to get out every night." "I don't mind Felix going out." "The trouble is that he doesn't come in." "You mean to say that he leaves you all alone all night?" "Every night?" "Well, no, not every night." "And I can't stand the uncertainty." "I'd be so much happier if he'd always come home when he's through at the theater." "Or if I could depend on his staying out." "You poor little woman." "I'll see what I can do." "Oh..." "Do you like dancing?" "Oh, I love it." "You love it?" "Hm-hmm!" "But wouldn't we be rather crowded dancing in here?" "Well, err..." "Oh, that's not a bad idea." "Why couldn't we adjourn to the Whoopie Club?" "Now?" "You know, you and I and Jessie James were just made for each other." "Oh, I couldn't." "My husband's terribly jealous." "He is?" "And yet he leaves you alone and lonely?" "Oh, well, that's just like a man." "You know, Miss O'Dare?" "Your friend, Miss Minter and I, we have a little extra business we're going to transact and we're going to conference at the Astor at 10 o'clock." "Why couldn't we all get together and have a little supper?" "But wouldn't you be embarrassed with two girls?" "Two?" "And me feeling positively Oriental?" "But I came to you for a divorce, not a party." "Well, of course, Miss O'Dare, if you cannot consider yourself a party of the first party..." "What is it, Andrews?" "The front doorbell, sir." "Well, see who it is." "You might be interested to know, sir, that Mrs. Mantel is coming down the back stairs." "She might not understand our business relations." "Well, I'll go." "That way." "A little more difficult, but much safer." "Oh." "And you won't forget." "Ten at the Astor and we'll discuss your divorce case." "You don't think I'll be doing wrong?" "Time will tell." "Time will tell." "Just take a seat, sir." "I'll tell him." "Gentleman to see you, sir." ""The Great Zero"!" "Meaning nothing." "He said your secretary made an appointment, sir." "Oh, yes, yes." "By all means." "Have him come right in." "Yes, sir." "He might be a good excuse for my getting out." "This way, sir." "Thank you." "Oh, hello, Mr. Smith." "You understand of course this is long after business hours." "I can give you only five minutes." "Thank you." "Mr. Smith, you are a very famous lawyer." "Oh, well, possibly ten minutes." "Would you sit down?" "Thank you." "I am a vaudeville impersonator, sir." "I impersonate all the great men, Julius Cesar, William Jennings Brian..." "Oh, all the dead ones." "I do the live ones too, sir." "Yes, I know." "I saw your act in the theater." "You're really quite good." "Oh, thank you, thank you." "Your jury speeches, sir, have made you famous." "I'm opening my new act at the Palace next week and I depict you as the man of the moment." "May I impersonate you?" "You impersonate me?" "Why, how could you?" "Oh, as a matter of fact, yes, I do think you look a little bit like me." "Oh, but I flatter you there, of course." "But my dear sir." "Mr. Smith, I could get your face in two minutes." "You can do in two minutes what has taken me all my life to do?" "Hm-hmm." "May I show you?" "You'll have to." "May I... would it make you nervous if I watch the operation?" "Two thousand people watch me every night." "You have an inferiority complex, haven't you?" "Oh, very good." "Make a few gestures." "I'd like to study your tricks of.., expression, your mannerisms." "Smile, please." "Frown." "Register grief." "Grief?" "Well, how do you grieve?" "Splendid." "Resignation." "Anger." "Very good." "I feel like a perfect fool." "Very good." "You make this very snappy, won't you." "I have some very heavy thinking to do before 10 o'clock." "Have you a mother-in-law?" "No." "My wife is an orphan." "Oh, lucky boy." "Not that I want to say anything against my mother-in-law." "She's e very sweet old lady and very, very fond of me." "Only she works too hard at it." "Oh, tries to run you out of your own home, I suppose." "No, tries to keep me in it." "Tonight, for instance." "I have a date at ten with a lady." "With two ladies." "Two ladies?" "What for?" "Well, I don't know just what for..." "Of course, I have an idea." "But I don't know." "One of them is married." "Hm, her husband must be a sap." "Minty, are you decent?" "No." "Come in." "Hello." "Hi, where have you been?" "Oh, say, did you go to see Smith?" "Hmm..." "I went, I saw and I made a date to meet him tonight." "Say, that guy must be blooming all over the place." "He made a date with me for tonight, too." "Yeah, I know all about it." "That's why I agreed to go." "Oh, yeah?" "Which one of us were you trying to protect?" "That was the only way I could get him to take my case." "Oh, that's all right, darling." "And I'll give you every break in the world." "I know." "Say, you'd better go over to your apartment and get dressed, hadn't you?" "I only hope I get there before Felix does." "Oh, why worry about Zero?" "You're gonna get a divorce from him, aren't you?" "Yeah, but I don't want him to divorce me." "Oh!" "Bye." "Bye." "Pardon me, have you an extra pair of glasses?" "I should have somewhere." "No, come to think of it, I broke mine." "Here, take these." "Thanks." "Well?" "How about it?" "Well, I'll..." "Why, I..." "Well, I'll be a son of a gun!" "Richard Smith and Richard Smith." "Uh-Huh." "Why, we could be the Smith Brothers." "Oh, boy." "You could fool anybody." "Why, of course I could." "I bet I could fool your own mother." "Yes... fool my mother?" "My boy, heaven has sent you to me." "You want my permission to do this impersonation of me in public?" "That's the reason I'm here." "Well, you stay here tonight, in my place... and if you can fool my mother-in-law and the servants until I get back..." "I'll give you that permission." "It's a bet." "You're on, and I'm off." "You seem to have a frog in your throat." "At least a dozen of them." "Fine, I could use that." "Good, I'll give them to you." "This is my room." "And this is my wife's room." "Your wife?" "She isn't here, is she?" "You think I'd go away and leave you here if she were?" "She's in the mountains." "Now this is a dressing-room and bath connecting the two rooms." "Oh... they connect." "Sure." "We sleep." "Where does mother sleep?" "Mother?" "She never sleeps." "Now, my mother-in-law may say something about having a surprise for you." "That's all right." "I'll tell her to wait until morning." "Beg your pardon." "Did you ring, sir?" "No, no, err... sonny, I did not." "Then it must have been Mrs. Mantel." "Has the gentleman gone, sir?" "Who?" "The gentleman." "Oh, yes." "He's gone, yes." "And, uh... will you bring me a drink, please." "Yes, sir." "And tell my mother-in-law that my cold seems to be so much worse." "I'll probably be getting to bed early." "Yes, sir, yes..." "Marvelous!" "Boy, you're a wonder." "Say, if you can fool my mother-in-law, I'll pay you 500 dollars." "And I'll make you an offer to retain you regularly." "Huh?" "Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute." "I almost forgot." "There you are." "Every little bit helps." "Oh, thanks, You don't miss a trick." "You must have been out before." "Now, are you all set?" "Not quite." "I think you better turn down some of the lights." "I don't want to take any chances with mother-in-law." "There you are." "The house is yours." "If you want me, you'll find me at the Hotel Astor." "Bye-Bye." "Hey, wait." "What do you call your mother-in-law?" "Oh, everything." "You'll be perfectly safe if you stick to "mother"." "Well, my loose moment's calling." "Ta-ta." "Richard!" "Richard!" "Oh, Richard..." "Oh, here you are." "You know, I got such a start." "I thought I heard the front door slam." "Yes, my call, I just left." "Well, now we can continue our little session." "I'm sorry, mother-in-law." "You'll have to excuse me." "I'm very busy." "Where are you going?" "I'm going to bed." "But you mustn't!" "Mustn't go to bed?" "Not before you get your little surprise." "Sorry, mother-in-law, you'll have to keep it until the morning." "Oh, Richard, you're so stupid!" "Madeline." "Your wife is home again." "My wife?" "Well, he was..." "Maybe he's in the room." "He's tried to fool you." "Dickie, dear, aren't you surprised?" "I'm paralyzed." "You can see how dumbfounded he is, dear." "He hasn't even kissed you yet." "Yes!" "Where is that great big homecoming kiss you've been writing me to expect?" "The great big homecoming kiss?" "Hmm..." "The one I was writing you about?" "Hmm..." "Oh, I'm saving it till..." "Oh, you silly puffy goose..." "I mean, I'm saving it till we uh... until my cold gets better." "Cold?" "Have you a cold, sweetheart?" "It's frightful." "I wouldn't dare kiss you." "Besides, if anyone saw us." "Andrews, leave the room." "Leave the room!" "No!" "Don't anyone dare to leave this room!" "And I wouldn't cling so closely, dear." "No, really, in the condition I'm in..." "It's dangerous." "Fiddlesticks, I'm not afraid." "That's because you have no idea what's ahead of us." "Has something gone wrong?" "Dickie, you're keeping something from me." "Mother, turn on the lights at once..." "No, no, no, don't dare to turn on those lights." "Dickie, what is the matter?" "Because the new..." "I mean, my eyes!" "All swollen with the cold..." "Andrews, get me a stimulant!" "Are you in serious trouble, dear?" "It's probably fatal." "If I had any idea you were coming home, I wouldn't have been here." "What?" "I mean, in the condition I'm in." "Oh, Dickie." "There's just one thing to be done." "I've got to go!" "Go?" "Where?" "Out!" "Downtown!" "Downtown now?" "Tonight?" "Oh, I should have gone ten minutes ago." "An important engagement." "Hotel Astor." "Well, if |" "I know my precious husband the way I think I do, he'll telephone and cancel that engagement, won't you, Dickie?" "Telephone, who?" "I mean, isn't there a telephone..." "A telephone, of course!" "Of course, you can." "Should I get the Astor on the wire?" "Hotel Astor, on the telephone, yes..." "Wait, what do you mean?" "Any telephoning to be done around here I'll do it myself." "Well, maybe I'll wait... until you get ready to..." "until we both get ready to..." "Well, maybe before that." "I knew you would." "You know, I'm simply dying to get comfortable in my own little bed again and have a nice long talk with you." "There's nothing I'd like better than to sit on the edge of the bed and listen to you, but..." "Oh, how thoughtless of me!" "After your long trip, dear, you must be tired." "Oh, I'm not a bit tired, really." "Why, the two months in the mountains have made me a world of good." "Do your telephoning, Richard." "Now, Madeleine, get out of your travelling clothes and get into something more comfortable." "Yes, it won't take me but a moment." "And, Dickie..." "I bought a new lace nightie yesterday that's positively indecent." "Wait till you see it." "Where are you going?" "Huh?" "I don't know." "Oh, I was going down to see if the front door was locked." "You know Andrews always locks it." "Well I thought tonight he might have forgotten it." "Richard Smith, after all you promised Madeline are you counting to desert her?" "Desert her?" "Why!" "First evening home in two months and you..." "Richard!" "Have you no human feelings at all?" "That's just the trouble." "I'm too human." "A lovely devoted wife like Madeline." "Surely she's entitled to some consideration." "Well, he's a brother elk." "What was that?" "What?" "Mother, you don't understand." "You see, this sudden return." "It's been an awful shock, an awful shock to my whole system." "My throat, my voice... throat, voice, all gone." "She doesn't want you to sing to her." "What she wants more than anything else in the world is a nice, long talk with you." "Oh, if I could depend on that." "Now, Richard, don't delay your telephoning another minute." "What telephone?" "Oh, telephone... what was the number?" "Good night, Madeline, dear." "So glad to have you home again." "Night, Mother, pleasant dreams." "Hello?" "Hotel Astor?" "Good night, Richard, dear." "Huh?" "Yes, good night." "Hello?" "Hotel Astor?" "Will you get Mr. Richard Smith." "Page Mr. Richard Smith, yes." "Tell him to telephone his home immediately." "Important?" "It's vital." "Mr. Richard Smith." "Thank you." "Tired, sweetheart?" "Tired?" "I never was so tired in all my..." "Please come out of that doorway, will you?" "Tell me." "Have you been a good boy since I've been away?" "I'm in more danger now than I have been in the past two months." "Please, please go away and let me die, or go crazy or something." "Go away?" "Dickie, you're not well." "Don't you suppose I know it?" "Haven't I been telling you that for past half hour in those very words?" "That telephone didn't ring, did it?" "No, dear." "I'm afraid you've been doing too much brain work." "That's it." "It's my brain." "It's on fire, it's fever." "I can't think." "You can't think?" "No..." "Yes..." "The only things I can think of are the things that I shouldn't." "That wasn't the telephone bell then, was it?" "Dickie, you're trembling all over." "Don't you suppose I know it?" "I'm liable to go to pieces any moment." "The telephone isn't out of order, is it?" "Oh, bother the old phone!" "Thank goodness I have arrived in time to prevent another nervous breakdown like you had last year." "That's it." "Nervous combustion." "I've been trying to keep it from you." "Send for an ambulance, quick." "Ambulance nothing, I'm going to take care of you myself." "Now, come on." "Now, the first thing to do is to put you to bed." "That is the last thing." "Now don't argue, dear." "I'm going to give you a nice, old-fashioned alcohol rubdown." "No, no, I couldn't stand it." "Come on.." "No, no, no, no" "Madeline knows best." "Now put your head right down here." "There, put your little head right down..." "No, no, no..." "I'm afraid." "You're afraid?" "Yes, I'm afraid you might catch my cold." "Oh, bother your old cold." "Now, Madeline knows how to take care of her Dickie bird." "Come on, put you little head right down there." "My poor nervous Dickie boy." "Now, before anything else, sweetheart... that great big homecoming kiss." "Never!" "Oh, yes..." "Never!" "Oh, come on, come on now, dear..." "Now, come on, now come on..." "There!" "Too late." "Pitter-patter down the stairs..." "Pitter-patter down the stairs..." "I hear them coming..." "Pitter-patter down the stairs..." "Pitter-patter down the stairs..." "Voilà, madame." "Did you get your call?" "No, I guess my mother-in-law must have gone to bed." "Oh, you're married too!" "Very happily." "That's the reason I so thoroughly disapprove of divorce." "Especially in this State." "What do you mean?" "Well, in order to procure a divorce in this State you must have evidence." "What kind of evidence?" "Well, evidence of a very serious nature." "How serious?" "Well, you see, you must produce evidence that your husband has been uh... has been uh..." "That is to say, you must explain that you have discovered him... and not only him, but uh..." "I don't know what you mean, Mr. Smith." "You have to get the goods on him." "In other words, you have to prove that he has uh..." "Where do you come from, Miss O'Dare?" "I came from South Dakota." "Oh, I don't blame you." "Well, out in South Dakota don't they ever... ever uh..." "Ever what, Mr. Smith?" "No, there's no use of us going to South Dakota." "We may just as well stay here." "Did you ever see a bedroom farce?" "You mean the kind where the wrong man hides under the bed?" "Atta girl, now we're getting there." "Only in this case, you see, the wrong man must not only be uh... but uh..." "But what, Mr. Smith?" "Oh, really, really." "There's no use of our talking until we can find an interpreter." "Or until we get to know each other better." "Oh, here's your friend." "Well, well, here you are!" "I've been looking everywhere for you." "Just in time." "Won't you sit down?" "Oh, not in this morgue." "Didn't you say something about the Whoopie Club?" "Diane's never been up on the roof there, have you, darling?" "My husband never takes me any place." "Oh, you poor girl." "Well, Mr. Smith is going to fix all that, aren't you?" "Fix the roof?" "Oh, oh..." "Man!" "Well, we'll start on the roof..." "And finish in the gutter." "Oh, Mr. Smith!" "Andrews!" "Beg your pardon, mam." "You're paralyzed." "I'm not paralyzed. can't you see me moving?" "Where are you going?" "Give this to the tailor." "He's waiting." "Good morning, dear." "I hope I'm not disturbing you." "Not at all, mother." "I'm just dying to have a little talk with you." "How did Dickie like his little surprise?" "Oh, Mother!" "If you only knew." "Oh, then you really have something to tell me." "I'll tell the world I have." "Never mind the world." "Tell me." "Was Dickie glad to have you home again?" "Glad?" "He was beside himself." "Oh, Mother. this is going to be the turning point in Dickie's married life." "Lovely." "Wait till I tell you everything." "I'm so happy." "I must go and congratulate Dickie." "I wouldn't do that." "Don't disturb him." "He's napping." "Shall I have your breakfast served here in the room?" "No." "I'm going for a walk before breakfast this morning." "I feel as if the world is mine." "At last I have what I'd been hoping for." "You have?" "What is it?" "A hold on my husband that he'll never be able to break." "Oh, you darling!" "Pitter-patter, pitter-patter." "The very idea." "At this time of the morning, dumb." "When Mr. Smith wakens he'll attend to you, my man." "My man, indeed." "My man?" "I'm nobody's man but my own." "Good morning, Mr. Smith." "What's good about it?" "Didn't you sleep well, sir?" "I didn't sleep one wink the whole night long." "Who the devil locked my door?" "It wasn't the devil, sir." "It was Mrs. Mantel." "Oh." "What time is it?" "Nine o'clock." "Oh, I've got to get out of here." "Where's my coat?" "I just gave it to the tailor, sir." "He brought back your other dressing gown." "A dressing gown won't help me." "I want my coat." "You don't seem to be yourself this morning, sir." "I'm not!" "Perhaps you need something to eat." "Won't you have your breakfast now, sir?" "Oh, yes, yes, yes,." "Anything to keep you quiet." "Where's the dining room?" "What, sir?" "I said where is it?" "In the dining room?" "Yes, sir." "Breakfast in the dining room." "It's not being served in the coal cellar." "I don't want to go in the dining room." "I want you to get me a cup of coffee and some cracked ice and some white rock." "And don't stand there gaping at me like that." "Put that thing down." "Hurry!" "Yes... yes... yes." "Wait!" "Yes, sir." "Don't rush out on me like that before I finish talking to you." "Where is Mrs. Smith and uh..." "Mrs... the other one, my mother-in-law?" "You mean Mrs. Mantel." "Yes." "She's gone upstairs." "Oh." "And if you please, sir..." "No, I don't please." "You get my coffee and my coat." "Yes, sir..." "Wait!" "Yes." "Where can I find a comb and brush?" "Have you looked where you always keep them, sir?" "Have I looked where I always keep them." "Where do I always keep them?" "Let's see if you have intelligence enough to answer me that." "Why, sir... in the cabinet." "In the dressing room, of course." "Why didn't you say so in the first place?" "He must have had a terrible night." "Terrible." "Safe in my home port... the safest port of all." "Hey, lady." "Will you pick out some place and land?" "Will you please make up your mind." "That's all right, that's all right." "Just keep driving around." "Where are we?" "Hey, that ain't the question." "For hours I've been driving you around." "Say, what's the matter?" "Ain't you got no home?" "Oh..." "I can't go home." "My husband'll know I've been out all night." "Hey, look." "Maybe I'd better drive you to the Police Station." "No." "I don't know anybody there." "Hmm..." "let's see, Take me to Mr. Smith." "Oh." "Mr. Smith eh?" "Yeah." "Any particular one?" "Mr. Richard Smith." "My lawyer." "And where does he live?" "1405, Park Avenue." "1405, Park." "Yeah, 14... no." "14... 1540... 1054..." "Either that or 4501." "Hey, lady, will you make up your mind?" "Will you please make up your mind, please." "Why, Andrews." "That's the nicest thing you've ever done for me." "You've guessed exactly what I needed." "Yes." "I didn't guess it, sir." "You told me to bring it in the most impatient tone." "In a what?" "In a most impatient tone." "Well, then it must have been mental telepathy." "You know, the effect of mind over matter." "Or else, you've been dreaming." "Yes, sir." "I'm beginning to think so, sir." "Didn't you find your comb and brush?" "What comb and brush?" "Why, the one you were looking for, sir." "Don't you suppose I know where to find my own comb and brush?" "Andrews!" "You're drunk." "Yes, sir." "A little drunker than I thought, sir." "And you dare to admit it." "You dare to stand there staggering at me at 9 o'clock in the morning." "Well, sir, you see, I've been having a little trouble." "You've been having a little liquid lightning." "Only one flash..." "I mean nip, sir." "Well, quit nipping." "Do you think you're strong enough to get me some more of this white rock?" "Yes, sir." "Though I wish you'd have your breakfast, sir." "I don't see why you don't want to go in the dining room." "Such a nice dining room." "Who said I didn't want to go into the dining room?" "Of course it's a nice dining room." "It's my dining room." "I'd like to see anybody try to keep me out of it." "I'm glad to hear you say that, sir." "You do know where it is, don't you?" "Why, certainly." "If nobody's moved it." "See who that is." "Yes, sir, yes, sir." "He must have had a worse night than I expected." "Much worse." "Excuse me, sir, but it's..." "I don't care who it is." "Who the devil drank my coffee?" "Why, you did, sir." "Before you went in the dining room." "I went in to comb my hair." "But you didn't comb your hair." "I didn't, didn't I?" "Are you losing your mind?" "Yes, sir." "I'm beginning to think so, sir." "Well, you snap out of it and bring me some more coffee." "Yes, sir." "I was just going to, sir." "When you told me to answer the front doorbell." "I told you to answer the..." "Well, you're hearing things as well as seeing them." "Well, I did hear the front doorbell, sir." "Because there's proof of that." "I opened it for two young ladies who wanted to see you." "Two young ladies?" "Yes, sir." "They're dressed just alike." "They must be twins." "Well, I haven't any twins." "You tell them to come back late this afternoon." "He ought to be here by then." "He?" "He?" "Who?" "Oh, he." "Whenever I say he I always mean I." "Hadn't you noticed that?" "Not yet, sir." "Well you keep that in mind and bring my coffee to my room." "And some white rock." "Yes, sir." "Nobody knows what a night he must have had." "Nobody." "Andrews." "Don't move so fast." "You'll break the speed limit." "Oh, oh, sir... you..." "You've come back." "You do want me to go to the front door before I bring you white rock and coffee, don't you?" "I don't want any more coffee, stupid." "I told you to answer that front door five minutes ago." "What have you been doing?" "Walking backwards?" "Yes, sir." "Perhaps I have without knowing it." "You know, you've got to cut out this early morning drinking." "Yes, sir, I will, sir." "Indeed I will." "You'd better." "I'll try and pull myself together, sir." "I'll tell the young ladies to call back later." "What young ladies?" "The twins, sir." "You said you couldn't see them." "Andrews, this is getting serious." "You never said one word to me about twins." "Didn't I?" "You certainly did not." "Where are these ladies?" "In the reception room, sir." "The twin, sir." "Oh, hello, Dickie bird." "I'm so glad I found you." "You are?" "Well, I'm glad somebody's glad." "Where's the rest of you?" "Andrew said you were twins." "There were two of her, sir." "I swear there were two of her." "Oh, that's nothing." "I've been seeing four." "Four taxi cabs, four front doors... four fine old butlers and four cute little Dickie birds." "Yes, please, please, please." "Don't go, Andrews, wait." "What do you mean by coming here, Miss O'Dare?" "When you told me last night that you had to go home alone, didn't I put you in a taxi cab?" "Didn't I give the taxi cab driver your address?" "Didn't I?" "Yes, but the nasty old taxi cab fell apart." "And it took him ages and ages to get together again." "And anyway, I had no money." "So I made him bring me here." "He's waiting outside." "Oh, money?" "That's all..." "Yes, that's simple..." "Oh, by Joe, I haven't a cent left myself." "Andrews..." "I haven't a cent." "That's one thing I'm sure of." "Would you go out to the kitchen and borrow some from the cook." "She ought to have some." "She was paid yesterday." "I hope you know where that kitchen is." "Yes, sir." "Well, hurry!" "Yes, sir." "Oh, Dickie." "I'm so relieved!" "Wheee!" "Diane, please!" "You want to fight?" "You chase me." "Diane, please, keep quiet." "I'm too happy to keep quiet." "You come down here!" "I don't want to." "Come down here!" "You come right down here!" "I don't wanna." "Come down this minute!" "No!" "Come!" "All right." "Wheee!" "Whoopie!" "What is this, please?" "A hangover or a fresh start?" "Oh, Dickie bird, don't be harsh with me." "Anybody'd think you're my husband." "I am always harsh in the morning." "My loose moments end with breakfast." "Anything you have to say to me today will come under the head of New Business." "Well I don't want any new business." "Old was good enough for me." "If you please, sir." "The cook hasn't a nickel." "Nobody has a nickel." "I don't want a nickel." "What good is a nickel?" "You go outside, go outside and find out exactly how much the taxi cab bill is." "Hurry, hurry!" "Oh, what am I going to do?" "Musette!" "Oui, monsieur, qu'est-ce qu'il y a?" "Would you like to earn 20 dollars?" "Oui, monsieur." "Will you get this lady out of the guest room, quick." "Oui, monsieur." "Don't let anybody see her." "Non, monsieur." "She came to see me on business, but Mrs. Mantel may not understand." "No, monsieur, but I understand." "Yes." "Come, madame." "No, no." "I don't wanna go..." "I don't wanna go upstairs." "Upstairs or I spank." "There you go reminding me of my husband again." "Oh, poor Felix." "What would he think if he could see me now?" "Come, madame, we go..." "I don't wanna go upstairs." "That's all right, that's all right." "Listen, the bill is 50 bucks and I'm gonna get it or I'm gonna take it out of somebody's hide." "Do you understand?" "Yes... yes..." "You'll get your hide." "I mean, your money." "Here, madame." "You will be safe here." "Oh, no, madame!" "Madame, come here." "I will get you a negligée, hm?" "The bill is 50 hide, sir." "I mean dollars." "See if you can pry it out of Mrs. Mantel, will you?" "Wouldn't it be better if I went to the bank, sir?" "That's a good idea." "Go ahead." "You go over to the bank..." "Yes, sir." "And, on your way to the bank, well, something got spilled on my coat last night." "Drop in and leave it at the tailor's for me, will you?" "Your... your coat?" "Yes." "My coat." "What's the matter?" "It won't bite you." "But I..." "I..." "I..." "I gave it to the tailor not half hour ago, sir." "You gave him my coat?" "Yes, sir..." "I... gave him your coat." "I'm afraid I'm going mad!" "Come, come, pull yourself together, old man." "I can't, sir." "I seem to have lost all control." "I'm beginning to see them." "There..." "There!" "I'm afraid they'll get me!" "I got to go somewhere!" "I got to do something." "I can't stand it!" "I can't stand it!" "I can't stand it!" "I can't stand it!" "Let me out!" "Let me out of here!" "Kitty Minter!" "Diane!" "Well, I can't go home to Felix in a dress like this at this time of the morning, can I?" "No." "Say, you go home and get me a dress." "All right, all right." "I'll be back in a jiffy." "Fine." "Richard!" "Oh, hello, Mother." "How are you?" "I'm perfectly well." "Well, that's swell." "Well, you see?" "Just getting ready for work." "Work?" "Why, I never dreamed you wanted to go to work this morning after what happened last night." "Why, what do you know about last night?" "Oh, not very much." "But I can guess, can't I?" "Yes, yes, you can guess." "You're some little guesser." "Richard, I'm afraid you're going to be angry with me." "But I meant it all for the best." "You meant what for the best?" "When I locked you in last night." "You locked me in?" "Hm... you were acting a bit strangely." "You seemed nervous and excited." "So I decided to give you a dose of prevention." "After you went to bed I locked all the doors and took the keys upstairs with me." "You locked all the doors after I went to bed." "Oh... well, then I couldn't have gotten out." "I couldn't have gotten out even if I wanted to." "Of course you couldn't, Richard." "And I was in there all night." "Are you ill again?" "No, Mother, I'm better." "Oh, I'm much better." "Oh, what a joke." "Locked in cold storage all night." "Mother, you are simply priceless." "Who are you waving at?" "Nothing, nothing, Mother." "In fact, less than nothing." "I'm simply waving at myself." "Oh, you're absurd, Richard." "I am, Mother, I'm more than absurd." "I'm positively hilarious." "Oh, now I understand what was the matter with poor old Andrews." "Oh, he must have been seeing things with a vengeance." "Andrews' condition is no laughing matter." "I can't help it, mother." "You'd laugh, too, if you knew what I knew." "No, no, no, you wouldn't." "Why not?" "Don't you think I can appreciate a joke?" "Go on, tell me." "No, it's a secret." "And if I told you, it would be no joke." "Oh, now, don't tantalize me, Richard." "Is it about you?" "Oh, oh, rather." "Is there someone else?" "Oh, decidedly someone else." "And then is there another someone mixed up with the two?" "No, not exactly." "Well, not yet, anyway." "Not yet?" "Oh, Richard, I knew it." "The secret is about you and someone else and then another someone mixed up in it a little later on..." "You dear boy, it's the secret Madeline mentioned." "Oh, you've had a letter from Madeline?" "Have I had a letter?" "Oh, you dear, ridiculous fellow." "I don't blame you for being hilarious." "I'm a bit hilarious myself." "Mother." "What is it you think you know?" "I don't think any longer." "I'm sure." "Pitter-patter, pitter-patter." "Pitter-patter, pitter-patter, pitter-patter..." "Footsteps on the stairs, Footsteps on the stairs" "I hear them now, they're calling me Footsteps on the stairs" "If you're doing that for me, you can stop." "I want my coat." "Oh, Richard..." "How can you think of coats at a time like this?" "Baby coaties, perhaps." "Baby booties..." "Pitter-patter, pitter-patter, pitter-patter, pitter-patter." "Has she gone crazy, too?" "There's something the matter with her." "Give her some air, give her some air." "Will I take it out to her or bring it in to her?" "Don't talk like a fool." "Get her something to bring her back to herself." "Yes, sir... now you're talking, sir." "Ah!" "Did monsieur have a good rest last night?" "Rest." "Say, I'll never rest again until I get even with that... that..." "Say, how would you like to pick up 50 dollars?" "Oh, monsieur..." "All I want you to do is to kiss me... the next time you see me and Mrs. Mantel alone together." "And for why I kiss you when Mme. Mantel see?" "It's a practical joke to get even with somebody for laughing at me." "Oh!" "And will Mme. Mantel laugh?" "Will she laugh?" "Say, I'll laugh myself." "Oh, well, for 50 dollars..." "Uh-huh." "But suppose I lose my position." "Don't worry." "You lose this one, I'll get you a better one." "Now, is it a go?" "Oh, no, monsieur." "It is a kiss." "The next time I see you with Mme. Mantel, non?" "You won't forget." "Oh, how could I?" "Excuse me, sir, but I forgot to give you the money." "Money?" "What money?" "Why, the money you told me to get for the young lady upstairs." "Don't you remember, sir?" "Oh, take, take it." "Don't say that I haven't been at the bank, sir." "Don't tell me it isn't real money." "I can't stand any more of it." "All right, all right, if it'll relieve your mind, I'll take it." "I've earned it." "What will I do with this, sir?" "Drink it yourself." "Give me that money!" "Not on your life!" "What do you mean by staying out all night?" "Shut up." "You talk like a mother-in-law." "Do you realize that I was locked up in that room all night long?" "Well, I'm sorry Mrs. Mantel locked you up, but..." "What's so funny about that?" "Why, don't you think it's funny?" "Funny?" "Say, what kind of a man are you?" "Locked up?" "All alone?" "You don't know." "You don't know?" "I know you've given me a marvelous joke on my mother-in-law" "I can't tell her about it but I'll laugh every time I think of it." "Thanks again." "You can go now." "Not yet." "Huh?" "What's that?" "I'm not going to leave this house until I get my big laugh." "It'll cost me 50 dollars and I want to be here to enjoy it, ha, ha, ha." "Hey, wait a minute, what are you talking about?" "Yoo-hoo, yoo-hoo" "Richard..." "Mother, why don't you go upstairs and take a nap?" "A good, long nap." "You ought to be laid out somewhere." "Laid out?" "Ah, monsieur, the time has come, no?" "Oh, my word!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "What do you think I am?" "A lollipop?" "Shameless creature!" "Who ordered this?" "What's the matter?" "What is the joke?" "Why she did not laugh?" "Why she do not laugh?" "You can figure that out while you're packing your trunk." "I knew she was French, but I made allowances for that." "Why did you kiss Mr. Smith under my very nose?" "Pardon me, Mother, Under my very nose!" "You told me to." "I?" "I never did." "Yes!" "You lie!" "You promised me 50 dollars!" "Fifty dollars?" "What are you talking about?" "Fifty dollars is too much for any woman." "What is this?" "A badger game?" "You don't stay in this house another minute!" "No?" "Then he has to give me another job." "You promised." "I promised?" "I never promised..." "I..." "Oh!" "I have a very good idea who did." "You go on." "You get out of here." "Get out!" "I resent that!" "Richard?" "What did she say then?" "She sent you her best regards." "Richard Smith." "Are you quite sure you didn't ask her to kiss you?" "Oh, Mother." "I don't have to ask to be kissed." "What?" "I..." "I mean... but..." "I have my own dear sweet little wife." "Yes, and she'd understand if she were home." "You can tell her when she comes in." "What?" "She'll be home in a minute." "Home?" "I don't believe it." "Well." "You just wait here and see." "Come on." "You gotta get out." "My wife is coming." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute?" "A minute'll be too late." "Wait, wait, wait!" "I can't go out in the street with this!" "Well I go out with mine every day." "But if you're so fussy, there!" "Outside!" "Dickie!" "Oh... darling!" "You have come home." "Well, well, well." "Dickie boy!" "Didn't you expect me?" "No... yes, of course, of course..." "But not so soon." "If you only had any idea how lonely I've been." "Oh, Dickie..." "Oh, Dickie, is this gentleman a friend of yours?" "Oh, no, he's no gentleman..." "He's no friend, it's Mr. Zero..." "Mr. Zero, yes, my wife, Mrs. Smith." "And Mrs. Mantel, my mother... my wife's mother." "I'm delighted." "Mr. Zero is the famous vaudeville artist." "Oh, I've heard of you." "Oh, thank you." "He has done me the honor to want to add me to his list of impersonations." "No doubt he does it to perfection." "Oh, how wonderful!" "Breakfast is ready." "If you want it, come and get it." "Won't you have breakfast with us?" "Why, delighted, if I'm not intruding." "Oh, no." "My husband's friends are my friends." "Oh, yes indeed." "But at a time like this?" "I understand you've just returned home from a vacation." "That's perfectly all right." "You have no idea, dear, how glad I am to see you." "Why didn't you let me know you were coming?" "I wanted to surprise you." "You did." "Oh, I shall never forget the look on your face... when I walked in last night." "Last night?" "Come, Mr. Zero." "Coming, darling?" "Last night?" "Dickie, darling!" "Dickie, what's wrong?" "Why, what's happened?" "Dickie, come on, dear." "What is it?" "Oh, my poor darling, you're ruined." "I mean, I'm ruined..." "Our home is ruined." "Oh, my poor Richard." "And you seemed so well this morning when you first woke up." "Oh, hold me, I'm going to faint again." "Oh, now, what you need is another old-fashioned rubdown... like I gave you last night." "Oh, I want to die, I want to die..." "Dickie, control yourself." "Let me help you to the couch." "No, I'll wait right here..." "Come on, dear, come on." "Oh, Minty, you're a darling." "Now hurry and get into this and let's get out of here." "Oh, here, you can have this, sweetie." "I never want to see it again." "Merci beaucoup, madame." "Come on, dear, come on." "No, no..." "Come on, like a good boy." "There, now everything's all right." "All right?" "Oh, my poor Madeline." "No, your happy Madeline, darling." "Now tell me just what's troubling you, darling." "Oh, you don't know what you're asking." "Is it so serious?" "You know, I could see last night... the moment I saw you that you weren't yourself." "You could see that?" "Yes, you were different." "Oh, awfully nice, darling." "Oh, awfully, awfully nice." "But different." "Well uh... how different?" "Well, I've always known you were impulsive." "But last night..." "Oh, and in spite of your cold." "The way you kissed me." "Oh..." "You feel so badly, sweetheart?" "Oh, just dying, that's all, just dying." "Oh, my poor nervous Dickie boy." "Perhaps I kept you awake too late." "But then, I had so much to tell you." "Yes, yes, I suppose you did." "You suppose?" "Don't you remember?" "No... yes..." "You... err..." "The joy of having you back, dear..." "Just a little bit hazy..." "Maybe I put too much whisky in your hot drink." "Did you give me a hot drink last night?" "Of course, darling." "After I had you all comfortable and safely covered up." "Covered up?" "Oh, I'm losing my mind, that's all." "Madeline, go ahead, tell me..." "Tell me what happened, what... what..." "What did I do?" "Oh, Dickie, what didn't you do!" "You know, I never realized before that you were so versatile." "Versatile?" "Yes, those imitations you gave." "Imitations of what?" "Of all sorts of things." "And the jokes you played." "Why, Dickie, you were positively skittish." "Skittish?" "Oh, my..." "Go on, Madeline, tell me everything." "Why, Dickie, you must know as well as I do." "What was that lovely little Swiss Lullaby you sang?" "Swiss Lullaby?" "Yes, the one you yodeled to me." "Yodeled?" "Oh, my word, I yodeled." "Oh, you must yodel more for me, often." "Now that I know you do it so well." "This is the end!" "What nonsense, darling." "Why, I fixed you up last night and I'll do it again." "I'll mix you a bracer as only your Madeline knows how." "And then we'll go for a nice, long drive in the country." "You won't try to work today, will you?" "Work?" "After the vaudeville show I gave last night?" "Oh, no, now you must rest." "And then don't forget all the lovely things we planned to do today." "Oh, dear, dear, dear." "Last night, last night, last night." "So, you yodeled to her, did you?" "Well, she liked it, didn't she?" "I'll say she did." "She wants me to yodel again, often, and I can't." "Oh, you fiend, you hound!" "Well, I like that!" "After all the trouble I took not to give you away." "Why, she never for a moment suspected the difference." "What?" "You didn't tell her you weren't home last night!" "?" "That's a fine question." "Well, then everything's all right." "All right?" "I knew just how to handle the situation." "I behaved exactly as you would have." "You knew how to handle the situation." "You knew how to handle the situation!" "By being skittish!" "By telling her stories at midnight." "Just for a start!" "Well, I had to do something to pass the time." "You asked me to impersonate you." "No excuse for you kissing her, Zero." "But I was you." "But I'm her husband." "Well so was I." "Put something into my hand!" "I want to know exactly what happened last night!" "Well, what do you think?" "I can't think." "I'm going mad." "Ha, ha, ha." "What are they arguing about out there?" "Dickie!" "Yes, dear." "Shut up!" "She means me!" "How do you know?" "For that I'll murder you!" "Here, honey, drink this." "It's what made you feel so good last night." "I'm going mad!" "Why, what's happened?" "Don't you go away from here." "Perhaps I'd better." "I think so." "Will you excuse me?" "Oh, yes." "Thank you." "Diane!" "Why... what have you done to her?" "She fainted." "Fainted?" "What's happened?" "Who is this?" "That's Dickie's new secretary." "Secretary?" "And who is this?" "My wife." "Your wife?" "Yes." "What was she doing here?" "Listening." "She knows everything." "She's coming to." "Oh, you yodeled to her!" "How long has she been here?" "Long enough to hear everything." "I'm shooting the wrong man." "Poor girl." "Well, dear, do you feel any better?" "I don't know." "I haven't made up my mind." "Well, I'm glad you've come back because I think it's about time you were told the truth about everything." "Yes, that's what I want, the truth." "The whole truth about everything." "Well, now that we're here, we can talk about this whole thing calmly." "We might as well all sit down." "Sit down, dear." "I will not sit down." "Dickie, sit down!" "I'm rested now." "Richard, I want you to know Mrs. Zero." "Mrs. Ze..?" "Your wife?" "Why, certainly!" "Oh, I'm glad to meet you." "Now, to begin with..." "Musette, where are you going?" "I have been discharged, madame." "Discharged?" "Who discharged you?" "This lady." "I had to." "Her French was breaking out something awful." "Her French breaking out?" "Well, if you must know the truth, she became so brazen as to kiss Dickie right in front of me." "He told me to for 50 dollars." "That is a lie." "I did nothing of the kind!" "If we're all going to tell the truth, I may as well confess." "It was I who did it." "You?" "I never say you before." "It was he!" "Wait a minute!" "What is this?" "That is a dress, madame." "Well, I can see it's a dress." "Let me look at it." "Why, Madeline, this must be one of yours." "I will notify the police." "I'm going to call an officer..." "No..." "Mother, think of the neighbors." "Oh, no, madame." "It was given to me." "Who gave it to you?" "This lady." "She gave it to you?" "Ha, that's a good one." "Did you not, madame?" "I never saw it before in my life." "Oh, get the girl out of here." "What difference does it make where she got it?" "It doesn't belong to any of you." "But why should she insist that you gave it to her?" "Well, how do I know?" "That's what I'd like to know." "Maybe Andrews can help us." "Andrews can do nothing of the kind." "There's no harm in asking him." "Why ask a dumb person?" "Now we'll all hear something." "Did you ring, mam?" "Yes, Andrews." "Have you ever seen this lady before?" "Yes, mam, two of her." "Two of her?" "Twice." "When and where did you see her?" "Shall I tell the truth, Mr. Smith?" "Why, of course, you fool!" "She called this morning." "In fact, I let her in." "Well, there you are, you see?" "Somebody had to let her in." "Had you ever seen her before that?" "Yes, last night." "And if you ask me, it was the worst night in history." "Last night is not of my business." "But did not madame come here this morning in this gown?" "Yes... something like that, I guess, yes." "Musette, let me see that dress." "Oui, monsieur." "Why, Diane, this is one of yours." "So, you little homebody." "You weren't home at all last night." "No." "Who were you out with?" "Oh..." "Who were you out with?" "Oh..." "Tell me!" "I was out with him." "So!" "Dickie, you scoundrel you!" "How perfectly ridiculous!" "How could I possibly be out with her?" "Wasn't I locked up with you in that room the whole night long?" "No!" "I knew from the very first it wasn't you." "Yes..." "You knew?" "And yet you let him stay?" "Mama!" "Oh, you, you female of a specie..." "And you!" "You'll pay for this!" "Wait, wait, let me explain!" "Explain?" "You've explained enough!" "Don't shoot!" "I love him!" "Stop him!" "Stop him!" "Next time he comes around, stop him!" "Did you hear what he said?" "Why don't you stop him?" "Now!" "You'll do some explaining to me, you!" "Diane!" "Diane!" "Mr. Smith!" "Open this door!" "O Dickie, please." "Please let me tell you the truth about last night." "What are you doing in there?" "Come on, you gottta get out of here!" "Oh, I'm afraid." "Well, let me go." "Wait a minute, never mind, I'll do it." "Diane!" "If you didn't make it, don't tell me." "Did you make it?" "Yeah, I made it all right." "Oh, no you don't." "Not on me you don't." "You got that 50 bucks?" "No." "Well, come on back in now." "Did you hear that crash?" "He's beating her." "Courage, Diane!" "Courage!" "Diane, don't let him do it!" "Diane!" "Courage!" "Hey!" "You!" "I'm seeing things again!" "I am!" "Probably got out through the window." "Diane." "Where have you been?" "I caught this young lady trying to make a getaway." "Hey, now, wait a minute, wait a minute." "She's my fare and she don't get out of here till she come across." "I've been riding this dame around since 12 o'clock last night." "I picked her up at the Whoopie Club." "And I was with her." "Yeah, that's right." "You was with her." "I let you out at the subway station." "Driver!" "Was there a man along?" "Yes, mam." "Your husband." "You're fired!" "There!" "Oh, I remember him." "That's the guy that was with'em." "That's the guy that I let out at the Union Club." "And she's been alone ever since?" "Yes, sir." "Oh, thanks." "I didn't dare go home." "I had to come here for money for the taxi." "Oh, you poor kid." "You poor kid." "Shut up!" "You don't want a divorce now at all, do you, darling?" "No!" "But I do!" "I'm the only injured party." "You let him stay!" "You let him stay!" "Of course." "I knew the minute I kissed him he wasn't you." "Well, what did you do?" "Well, as soon as I was positive..." "I demanded the reason for the impersonation." "And I told her." "You told her?" "It was either that or go to jail." "Oh, Dickie, it was such a gorgeous chance to cure you of your blooming habit." "She went into her room, darling." "I locked the connecting door." "Yes?" "And prayed for the best." "Aw, sweetheart, if you will forgive me this time..." "I promise you I'll never bloom again as long as I live." "Well, I'm sure glad I'm not married." "Well, thank heaven all my husbands are dead." "Subtitles:" "Luís Filipe Bernardes"