"That was a wonderful dinner, Mrs. Biggs." "Really delicious." "I don't cook much anymore because of my Sciatica." "But if giving you kids a nice, hot meal means I got to endure a sharp stabbing pain up and down my spine, then that's the price of admission." "Macaroon?" "Are those from the old town bakery?" "Oh... those are my favorite." "That's why I got them." "They're a little on the pricey side, but I guess I can dye my own roots this month, and Jim can choke down bargain chow." "That was very considerate." "Sorry." "Let me make you a cup of tea to go with that cookie." "Oh, don't go to any trouble." "No trouble." "I bought a whole box of that English breakfast you enjoy, and I'm not a tea drinker." "I figure if I want brown teeth, I'll chew tobacco." "Well, I-I'd love a cup of tea." "My pleasure." "You got yourself a real keeper there, boy." "I know, mom." "Don't lose interest in her, like you did the piano lessons, karate, and that turtle you got tired of feeding." "Okay, what the hell is going on?" "What do you mean?" "We spent the entire evening with your mother, and you're not thinking about killing yourself, and I'm not thinking about killing her." "You know, now that you mention it, she does seem unusually chipper tonight." ""Chipper"?" "!" "Being sweet, thoughtful and complimentary... something's very, very wrong here." "I mean, she just told you I was a keeper." "Well, you are a keeper." "I know that." "She doesn't know that." "Even if she did, she certainly wouldn't say it in front of me." "I'm telling you, something smells rotten here, and it's not just Jim's bargain chow butt bombs." "Never saw the attraction to tea." "I always considered it the beverage of orientals and hippies." "Thank you, Mrs. Biggs." "Call me Peggy." "Why?" "That's my name." "Okay..." "Peggy." "Hey, what would you think about you and me getting together tomorrow and having a bite to eat?" "Oh-ho-ho..." "That sounds great, but I only get a half hour, and I usually just eat at my desk." "Well, that's plenty time for us to eat and gab." "Can I bring Jim?" "Actually, they don't allow dogs in the school, so..." "Just guns and drugs, huh?" "Well, I guess he can stay in the car." "I'll leave a chew toy, and the radio on, like I used to do with Mikey." "It's a date, then..." "Peggy." "Let me get you some lemon for your tea." "Hmm?" "Thank you." "I'm pretty sure I'm getting whacked." "♪ For the first time in my life ♪" "♪ I see love. ♪" "you're not concerned at all about your mom and your girlfriend getting together without you?" "Why would I be?" "No reason." "Just making conversation..." "With the stupidest man on the planet." "Why am I stupid?" "I don't know." "That's for medical science to figure out." "But I do know you don't want your mother telling Molly about all the twisted things you did as a kid." "I was a pretty normal kid." "I didn't do anything twisted." "Uh-huh." "So you never cut the mouth out of a Playboy centerfold, and had your dog stick its tongue through it, so it looked like the girl was talking to you?" "No." "Who would do something like that?" "Doesn't matter." "But trust me, women get pretty freaked-out when they hear your grandma tell that story." "That's not sitting too well with me, either." "So you never did anything embarrassing as a kid, you don't want Molly to know about?" "Well..." "I prefer she didn't know I visited the school nurse once a week, claiming to have a missing testicle." "No, you didn't." "Uh, I was 12, and that nurse was smoking hot." "Had kind of a Phoebe Cates thing going on." "Oh, I love me some Phoebe Cates." "So, did the missing testicle story actually work?" "First couple of times she bought into it." "My big mistake was showing up with flowers." "You're a romantic." "And that ain't nothing to be embarrassed about." "You don't think so?" "Not at all." "But Molly may not find it as charming as you and I do." "Might be a good idea to have a nice dinner ready for her tonight, just in case" ""You got some 'splaining to do."" "Good idea." "So that nurse would just root around trying to locate the missing marble." "Yep." "And if I held a cold Mountain dew down my pants, take her almost three minutes." "Ah... that is genius." "I thought so." "No, seriously, hats off." "I noticed you didn't finish your meat loaf last night, so I trimmed off the bite marks, and slapped it between two pieces of wonder bread." "Enjoy." "Oh-ho..." "You added the mashed potatoes and corn, too." "I love corn in a sandwich." "So that's where Mike gets that." "Well, you're probably wondering why I requested this little powwow." "Really hadn't given it much thought." "Other than, "what a great idea,"" "and, "why didn't we do it sooner."" "Save the syrup." "I just need a little womanly advice." "Womanly advice?" "For you?" "Don't worry." "It's not about my plumbing." "There's a man at my church who expressed interest in spending time with me, socially." "You mean he asked you out on a date?" "Don't act so surprised." "No!" "I'm-I'm not." "Like I'm some kind of bug-eyed troll." "No." "I'm surprised you don't get asked out all the time, is where my surprise comes in." "Uh-huh." "Anyway..." "He wants to take me to red lobster tomorrow night." "It's all-you-can-eat shrimp Tuesday." "That sounds nice." "Do you..." "like this man?" "Eh, he's all right, I guess." "He's a widower, which means he hangs in there until they tag and bag you." "You got to admire that." "I think this is great." "It's flattering when someone is attracted to you." "Don't drag it through the gutter." "In fact, I told him we're taking separate cars, in case he imagines throwing a few shrimp at me entitles him to a free mount." "A girl can't be too careful." "Yep." "That's why I sleep with a gun under my pillow." "Throw that in the conversation and you should be just fine." "Anyway, do you think Mike could be okay with this?" "I think he'd be thrilled." "Why?" "Well, he's never seen me with another man besides his father, and I don't want to confuse the boy." "He's pretty grown up, and..." "I know he just wants you to be happy." "Let's just keep it on the sly until we see how it goes." "I mean, I don't want him getting attached to this man, going to ball games and whatnot, and then I'm the bad guy if I have to kick him to the curb." "I won't say anything to Mike, and you tell him when you're comfortable." "He's going to wonder why I asked to have lunch with you." "Mm, I'll just tell him that you..." "Wanted to get to know me, because you thought it was important that his two best gals become friends." "Nah, he'd never believe that." "Tell him I came to you to learn to read." "It's my secret shame." "Well, hopefully he won't ask." "Hey." "Hey, sweetie!" "Let me help you." "Aw, thanks." "What smells so good?" "That would be my world-famous five-alarm chili." "You cooked?" "Well, you cook for me all the time." "It seems only right that I should cook for you." "And I haven't always done the right thing in my life, but people change." "Yes, they do." "I'm not the same guy I was when I met you, and I'm certainly not the same guy I was between the ages of 12 and 14." "Uh-huh." "So, chili, you say." "Yep." "My special recipe." "And the secret ingredient is corn." "Can I get you a nice light beer, or perhaps a chilled glass of chardonnay?" "Oh..." "I'd love a glass of wine." "Coming up." "So... how was your day?" "Pretty good." "I forgot all about it." "So, what did she chew your ear off about?" "Uh, nothing much." "She just needed a sounding board about something." "It's really no big deal." "Oh good." "So, no health issues or anything, right?" "She didn't find a lump on something, did she?" "No... no." "Nothing other than you on her couch." "That's funny." "So, I didn't come up in the conversation at all." "Her only son." "That seems weird to me." "Okay, she might have mentioned you once or twice." "Look, I don't know what my mom told you, but I am not the reason the school nurse transferred to another district..." "the janitor knocked her up." "What are you rambling on about?" "I don't know." "Maybe I should stop talking." "Your mom just wanted my advice on something." "It's not a big deal." "Well, if it's not a big deal, why can't you tell me?" "Because she asked me not to." "So it had nothing to do with a young boy's innocent infatuation with hernia exams?" "No." "What?" "!" "Look, look," "I will tell you, but you have to promise that you're not going to say anything to your mom." "I promise." "Seriously, 'cause she has put her trust in me, and I don't want to do anything to compromise it." "I'll keep my mouth shut." "Just tell me." "She's going out on a date." "Ah, come on!" "If you needed to lie to me, at least pick something that's plausible:" "I'm adopted;" "She's really a man." "Something I could buy." "There is a gentleman at church that asked her out, and she said yes." "And she wanted my advice, and to help her get ready tomorrow night." "Wait." "Hm?" "My mom's going out on a date?" "She is." "But you can't let on that you know." "Okay." "And I appreciate you telling me." "Sure." "What is the deal with the school nurse?" "Oh... oh, nothing." "I tricked her into touching my genitals." "Is this too spicy?" "I got yelled at at work today." "Who yelled at ya?" "You put makeup on corpses." "I was working on a 80-year-old cadaver." "And her grandson got his panties in a bunch because I put body glitter in her cleavage." "I'm, like, "dude, chill." "Just because your grandma's dead doesn't mean she can't look hot."" "Great philosophy." "It's why she put it on her business card." "Listen, when I die, mm-hmm?" "You just pull out the stops." "I want to look peaceful, but do-able." "Please tell me you're not taking Jim on your date with you." "He's a hell of an icebreaker." "He can stay here with us." "Come on in." "I brought a couple outfits." "I wanted something that looks feminine, but doesn't make him think I'm lifting my skirt and ringing' the dinner bell." "Um, well, it's probably a good idea to stick with the stretch pants." "Sweet lord, this is nerve-racking." "Why do women put themselves through this?" "I don't have an answer for that, but let's not make too big a deal out of this." "Remember, it's just dinner." "Well, bear in mind" "I haven't been on a date with a man in almost 40 years." "So, there's been nobody since Mike's dad?" "Nobody before or after." "This keg was only tapped for one party." "Unlike you gals today, we didn't just give it away to any smooth talker with a fast car and a cigarillo dangling between his lips." "Look, why don't we just focus on the task at hand and help you pick out a nice outfit?" "Now, what are our options?" "Uh, this and what I got on." "We can work with this." "Might wanna spruce it up a little with some accessories." "But why don't you come upstairs, I'll show you what I have." "All right, but no dangly earrings or feather boas." "I go too feminine, I start to look like a transsexual." "Jim!" "So did your mom tell Molly the story about your old "hidden ball" trick?" "No, they didn't talk about me at all." "Turns out my mom just wanted some advice about going out on a date." "Wait a second..." "Peggy Biggs is going on a date?" "Let me wrap my head around that." "Nope, can't do it." "Hey, I think it's great." "It'd be nice for her to have someone to spend some time with." "You know, a companion." "Take some pressure off of you, huh?" "Yeah, and the dog." "Poor bastard really bears the brunt of most of it." "Well, I hope she knows what she's getting into, because the sexual landscape has changed for the over-60 crowd." "What are you talking about?" "Viagra." "It put peaks where there used to be valleys." "He's right." "Those old dudes ain't going gently into that good night no more." "They pop a couple of those little blue pills, and they're not taking "what?" "!" For an answer." "This is just some lonely widower from her church that wants to take her out for dinner." "The lonely widowers are the worst." "They're making up for lost time, so church groups and vfw halls are like trout farms for those wrinkly romeos." "It's true." "The natural cycle of a man's life has been upset by erection enhancers." "There are no more wise elders sitting in the town square carving wooden flutes and offering sage advice." "Now they're all getting hair plugs and trying to bone your sister." "You should see some of these Lazarus-looking horn dogs my grandma brings down for breakfast... eating cream of wheat and smiling at me." ""Mornin', son." "What's your name?" "How old are you?"" "Old enough to know what you been doing to my precious Nana last night!" "You know, I'm starting to feel a little uneasy about this whole thing." "The trick is to not think about it." "Once you start imagining your mom doing the nasty with the crypt-keeper, then you're in for some sleepless nights." "Perfectly natural for you to be nervous." "After Molly's dad died, I waited almost three years before I went out with another man." "Didn't you ever get lonely?" "Lonely, no." "Horny, yes." "There's a reason you girls ate nothing but banana bread for three years." "I liked working with bananas." "For the record, I'm not one of those people you have to open up to." "Less is more, in my book." "I'm sure your gentleman friend will be glad to hear that." "What about... this?" "Well, I wasn't planning on doing the dance of the seven veils tonight." "No, no, I just thought you might want a little color." "Sure, while we're at it, why don't we put some lipstick on my nipples?" "Seems a little extreme, but since we're on the topic, a little makeup wouldn't hurt." "Makeup?" "!" "I don't wear makeup." "Ever?" "Well, I might put some beet juice on my lips for Christmas mass, but my motto's always been "a little powder, a little paint makes you something that you ain't."" "Really?" "Well, my motto's always been, "dinner's on you and the rest of the night's on me."" "Could you please hold still?" "I'm not used to doing this with somebody breathing all over my fingers." "Or breathing period." "Just do your best, baby." "Remember, it's only for one night, not for all eternity." "And just make me look presentable, not like I got Tyrone the pimp waiting for me in the car." "See, when you talk, it totally freaks me out." "I was just thinking the same thing." "I found a really cute pair of earrings that I think might go with that outfit." "Hang on..." "Let me just put a little more concealer on your mustache." "And..." "Oh!" "Voila." "Peggy, you look great!" "Nice job!" "Thanks." "It was fun getting to do the back of her neck." "I usually don't get to do the back of a neck." "Try these on." "My dad gave them to me for my first communion." "I wouldn't feel right wearing these." "I want you to." "Plus they're the only pair left in the house that you haven't written off as "hooker hoops."" "Okay?" "They, and you, look beautiful." "You clean up pretty good, huh?" "This isn't me." "No, it's a reflection of you." "I can't do this." "Peggy..." "Peggy!" "I appreciate your help, but this whole Saturday night fever, shake-your-bootie lifestyle ain't for me." "Come on, Peggy, calm down." "No, no, I've gone down this road before and I'll tell you Heartache." "Hey, everyone has had their heart broken." "I certainly have." "But if I'd just given up, I never would have met Mike." "Right there, there's another reason not to go." "I don't want my little boy thinking that his mother is some kind of tavern-hopping hotsie-totsie." "Oh, he would never think that." "In fact, if he could see how beautiful you looked right now," "I know he would want you to go out and enjoy yourself." "You told him, didn't you?" "I most certainly did not, Peggy." "You told me that in confidence." "Now, I understand that you are nervous, Peggy, but it took the work of three women to get you looking presentable..." "ly beautiful." "And I'm not gonna let you waste this, sitting on the couch eating day-old meat loaf." "Now give me the dog and go have a good time." "Thanks for... you know." "You're welcome, Peggy." "Call me Mrs. Biggs." "The poor bastard at the red lobster has no idea what he's gotten himself into." "Ugh!" "Boy, we have got to get you off the bargain chow!" "Where the hell is she?" "The red lobster closed an hour ago." "How do you know that?" "Look at him." "You don't think he's closed a few all-you-can-eat places in his day?" "I'm just saying..." "allowing for drive time, going by Molly's to pick up Jim, she should've been home by now." "Well, they might still be in the parking lot." "Your mom's got that big-ass impala, the backseat's like a daybed." "Cut it out!" "That's not funny!" "Headlights, car, car, car!" "Is that her?" "Yep." "Garage door up." "Car inside." "Garage door down." "Safe and sound." "Ah!" "Great." "Your mom's still a virgin." "Can we go now?" "Absolutely." "Hang on, there's another car pulling in the drive." "What the hell?" "I told you, it's an old man's game."