""And that is why Tania always loved weekends with daddy."" "And look, this is written by your special Aunt Ava's daddy." "And that little girl is based on me, and that dad is a black version of my Jewish dad, the grooviest Jew since Neil diamond first donned a rhinestone cape." "I get to have my own daddy-daughter time this weekend..." "He's coming on Friday!" "I'm so happy." "I love your dad." "He's just so warm and wonderful." "Uh-oh." "Lawyer Derek just backed out for tomorrow." "The segment's at 10:00." "We have nobody?" "Not unless we can find a backup lawyer." " Oh, no." " Oh, my gosh." "Come on, UVA law school where I attended." "It's crazy, I mean, they want a donation." "You go to their law school, you pay money to do it, you excel to the point that they put you on the brochure because you got "it" whatever that is, and you're kind of embarrassed about it." "Christopher, would you like to do it?" "Me?" "Oh, no." "God, no." "Definitely not." "♪ Definitely not well, "definitely not" seems a little..." "Let's not rule out..." "You know what?" "The camera loves him and so will the rest of America." "You're in." "Thank you, Ava." "I'd love to." "Sure." "All right, you know what?" "Here." "Let's give it a little test run." "Go." "Action." "Hey, there, everybody." "Chris Brinkley here." "Today's top story, two assailants were seen leaving the scene of a crime carrying guns." "God, nope." "Thank you." "Ugh, even I'm out." "I'm just going to do this as a goof." " Hey, Amy, is your dad insane?" " As a goof, you guys." "Sharon, hey!" "Sharon!" "For the last time, this is my parking spot, you limey rooster head." "I don't care if your space is in the sun." "Read the sign." "That sign says, "talent."" "Maybe there's a sign over the other side of the lot that says, "lucky to be on television."" "You should park there." "Why don't I just go ahead and park a double-Decker bus up your ass?" "I'm only parking in this space because some tragic hippie parked his dream machine in my space." "Daddy." "Daddy." "Sweetie." "Oh, you're here." "Oh, you're here." "Look at you." "This is my dad, everyone." "Hi, everybody." "You know him as author Brownstone Birthday," "Newbery award winner, snow on the sidewalk." "Your stories are so urban." "I always thought you were black." "Thank you." "Well, you know, I lived in New York City." "I was in advertising." "Long hair." "The girls, the drugs, the usual Mishegas." "Oh, daddy, was that when you lived near Bubbee and Zaydee?" "I'm sorry, daddy." "Continue your spiel." "Thank you." "So I'm walking along the street, and I see this little Afro-American boy stepping in other people's footsteps in the snow." "And a spiritual door opened for me." "And I found my voice..." "The voice of a young black boy." "That's beautiful, daddy." "Court is adjourned." "Everyone, it's time for father-daughter time." "I have organized a ton of events for us." "Hmm." " First, I got us Laker tickets." " Yeah?" "Floor seats, but they promised me there'll be chairs." " And a Sushi dinner at Kiwami..." " No, no, no, no, no, no." " No Sushi." " No?" "Linda just read this articles about the Mercury levels." "I think it's jive, but I don't want to be a hater." "Oy." "Linda." "I didn't know she was coming." "Ava, it's so great to see you." "Linda." "And your kids." "Yay." "How you feeling, honey?" "You nervous?" "I don't know." "I just don't know how comfortable I am as a dude wearing makeup." "It's just..." "No, no, no." "You can just keep that coming for sure." "Honey, listen to me." "You're going to be fantastic." "Well, thanks." "But a couple of things that I just want you to just keep in mind while you're out there." "The camera that has the red light on, that's the one that's filming you." "Lastly..." "Try to say et cetera because you have a tendency to say "eksetera" which is incorrect." "Hmm, I think I say it right." ""Eksetera."" "No, you... you don't." "It's et cetera." "Et." "That's what I'm saying." "Eks... eksetera." "No, there's no "x" in it." "There's no "x" in the word." "I'm not saying "x," I'm saying eks." "It's et cetera." "Et, et, et." "I'm so sorry." "Is that a bronzer right there?" "Is that what I'm looking at?" "Would you like some bronzer, honey?" "Oh, no, I don't want to be too must trouble, I'm just..." "You know what?" "Let me grab it." "I got it." "Fine skin." " Really?" "OK." " Yeah, yeah." "Of course, I think you should pull the plug." "I mean, there's no reason, from a legal standpoint," "I'm just speaking as a lawyer..." "There's no reason, that you should continue to pay the bills for whatever..." "What did you say his name was?" "Grandpa." "Grandpa?" "That's a..." "I'm just saying you don't have to kill him." "Oh, my God, oh, my God." "He's dying out there." "Look at that." "He can't keep his hands still." "Of... of... of... of grandpa versus the value..." "I'm just saying, you do the math." "Great." "Wow." " You do the math." " All right." " Cathy from Baton Rouge..." " Okay." "Wants to know, "my landlord has not returned" ""my security deposit." "Can I take any legal recourse?"" "That's a good question." "Every municipality..." "Has... has their own variable laws" " and municipal bylaws..." " I told him about this." "The one with the red light." "Eksetera, eksetera." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Yeah, you're right." "Eksetera." "There we go." "Yup." " Just..." " Thank you." "Yes?" "Well, like I always say, just in summation, get... uh, you do the math." "Thank you." "Chris was a disaster." "He kept saying, "you do the math."" "Yeah." "My audience doesn't want to do the math." "If they could do the math, they wouldn't be watching TV in the middle of the day." "Hey, guys." "How was I?" "I know I was a little shaky at first, but..." "Chris, oh, my God." "A star is born." "Move over, Morley safer." "You were great, honey." "You really, really were." "Will you meet me at the car?" "We just have to finish up some silly show business-y type stuff." "Thanks, babe." "It was so much fun." "Thank you, guys." "I just..." "I didn't want to let you down, honey." "Anyway, you do the math." "You do the math!" "They can do the math." "So who's going to tell him he's out?" "No one." "No one is telling him he's out." "He's my husband." "And I don't care how bad he was, we're going to give him a second chance, okay?" "At this moment, you are not mentally competent to executive-produce my show." "Missy, you're in charge." "Okay." "Finally, there's going to be some changes around here." "Hey, Steve, you're so [Bleep] Fired." " Missy." " Let's get St..." "I was kidding." "God, you are unhinged." "Reagan, you can't be serious." "Oh, I'm very serious." "He practiced in the mirror with a hairbrush as a microphone." "He was nervous." "He will do better." "He can do better." " Reagan." " No, you Reagan!" "Do you remember the first day of the show?" "Remember how nervous you were?" "Yeah." "You were covered in flop sweat, you started choking." "And you blew a cough drop on Cindy freakin' Lauper." "I thought you said we would never speak of that show again." "Oh, we won't..." "But I have the tape." "I say we give him another chance." "Thank you." "No, thank you." "Do you remember when you used to come out and visit me and mom, and we'd watch our favorite show?" "Remind me." "Your mother put me in such a funky head trip." "Mary Tyler Moore, dad." "Right." "Mary Tyler Moore." "You know, for a white woman, very foxy." "Look, it's Sharon Osbourne." "We love her." "Go and ask her to take a picture." "What?" "No." "There's so many other celebrities here." "Oh, look." "Is that Betty white?" "No." "Even if it's not, it's a really old lady which is great fun." "Ava Beth..." " Yes?" " It would mean the world." "Got it, pops." "Hi." "Sharon." "My family, um, loves you and would love to take a picture." "Would they?" "Because just this morning," "I was a "limey old rooster head."" "Now you want me to meet the family." "Give them the old chip cheerio and prance around like the old artful dodger for ya?" "How do you what now?" "Or we could give 'em the old Mr. Bean, eh?" "I could do the tiff toff with a tip of me hat," " "how do ya?"" " Say what?" "Let me tell you something, Mrs." "It would take for the Thames to freeze over in July before I do anything for you." "I'll give you my shady parking spot." "Who do we have here then?" "Come on, come on, come on, come on." "Hello, Ava's family." "Hey, Reagan." "Hey." "Saw Chris on the show today." "He was great." "Wasn't he, gene?" "I-I can't do this." "Hi, babe." "High protein." "Low sodium." "I want to look good on cam." "Yeah, honey, you know, about you in front of the camera..." "Wait, what?" "I just..." "I feel that maybe..." "No, go ahead." "Say it." "Say it." "I sucked." " Right?" "No." " Honey." "I did." "I sucked." "Go ahead." "Babe, take my hand." "Look me in the eye and be honest with me." "Was I good?" "You were great." "I was right!" "I was!" "I knew it!" "I knew it!" "I'm sorry." "I got in my head about it." "I was just saying it to you because I wanted to let you off the hook in case I didn't, or whatever, but thank... oh, my God." "Thank you." "I felt..." "I felt it." "I felt the flow." "Remember, sting was talking about it." "Speaking of "flow,"" "you know how your arms are so, like, awesomely untethered?" "I didn't even..." "I didn't even know I was doing that." "You know what I think might be even better?" "Is if you tether them." " You think?" " In your lap." "You mean if I did like a classic flex-and-hold?" "Flex-and-hold." "Yeah." "Also, um, you know that, like, that really cool thing you do when you, like, ask the audience to do the math repeatedly?" "I'm wondering..." "I wonder if there's just a better approach to that?" "Conceivably, I could just not mention math at all." "Yeah, I mean, I think, yeah." "We could go with your idea just not doing it at all..." "Ever again." "But seriously, even if you're just doing anything simple like removing a beneficiary from a will or adding people on, a lot of the sort of the day-to-day maintenance stuff you can kind of do yourself online," "but shh, you didn't hear that from me because I'll be putting myself out of business." "This guy." "You know, Ava, it's really fun to joke around, but on a serious tip, it's important for your family to leave a will to ease the burden on your children and your grandchildren." "Wow honey, oh, my God." "You were so good!" " Thanks, babe." " Christopher." " Yeah?" " You were magnificent." "Oh, thanks, Ava." "Wow." "Well, you groped me." "Course I did." "It's totally legal now that I'm "ya boss."" "Hmm?" "Lawyer Derek is out." "You, my friend, are in." " Really?" " Did you hear that, Reagan?" "Chris is going to be here all the time." "Wow." "This is amazing." "We can carpool together." "Eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner together." "Talk about our crazy boss together." "That's me." "It's not, like, going to be..." "It's not going to be that much?" "All the time." "All the time, all the time." " All the time." " Uh." " All the time." " Brr." "Daddy." "Don't you look dashing?" "Well, I have to keep up with the fabulous woman you blossomed into." "Oh." "I'm so excited to go out to dinner with you, daddy." "Me too." "I'd like to have you all to myself." " Fantastic." " Yeah." "And you know, I thought that" "Linda and the twins shouldn't miss this moment." "But I thought it was just going to be us." "It is us." "And Linda and the twins." "Isn't this great?" " Daddy." " Yes?" "Are you avoiding me?" "Don't be so dramatic." "Do you know who you sound like?" "J.K. Rowling." "God bless her success, but you write a story on 12 pages of strong card stock." "Oh!" "That is magic." " You know what?" " No." "Fine." "We'll just say here, and I'll whip something up." "It's going to be great." "Well, yummy." " Hey, babe." " Oh, my..." "Honey, hi." "What are you doing here?" "I thought your segment doesn't shoot till tomorrow?" "Yeah, just been getting a jump on that." "You know what?" "I've been studying Ava's show demographics and I think we ought to do a whole thing about the glass ceiling and equal pay." "How did you get that?" "That drawer's locked." "Oh, wait a minute, babe." "Put a pin in it." "I gave reception this extension." "Go for Chris Brinkley." " Your father is on line one." " Yeah, put him through." "How fun is this?" "It's like our living room here." "Hold on a second, I gotta deal with this." " Cool." "Oh." " Hey, dad." "Yeah." "No, I got your email." "He hanged himself, not hung himself." "If he hung himself, you'd put him on a wall." "Right?" "You'll get it." "All right." "No, no, no." "That's the part that always gets me too." "Rea... babe, babe, babe." "You gotta check out this video." "There's this cat..." "Flushes the toilet." "It's buffering right now, but any time." "Okay." "Hi, my name is Chris Brinkley." "I really like to file my nails a lot because I'm sort of like a girl, but I'm also your husband." "Bye!" "Hi." "I'm Ava." "Listen, I just had sex with a leprechaun and his skin rubbed off onto my dress." "Wait a minute!" "I'm not gonna say that!" " That's terrible." " Ava." "I gotta go pee pee." "Come with me to the bathroom." "Oh, my God, a good old-fashioned gossip sesh?" "We have so much we need to break down." "Okay, so first of all," "I heard that Donna from H.R. and then our temp security guard are totally doing it." "And Missy's full-on preggos." "Um, occupied." "Isn't it so great having Chris here all the time constantly?" "I mean, it's like, what's so great is that one minute he's here, being awesome, and then the next minute, he's, like, there, doing something classic." " He's driving you crazy." " He's driving me insane." "Seriously, honey, I want him to be happy, but this can't be a regular thing." "I've got work to do." "Boo!" "Smoking in the girls' room, huh?" " Yeah." " Still occupied." "You guys want to do the mile high club?" "I'm kidding." "It's not a plane." "I'm just..." " Oh, you..." " I'm kidding." "Help me." "I mean, if having him here is a pain in the butt for you, let's get rid of him." "But you have to tell him, okay?" "It would be too hard for me to do it." "Of course." "No one should have to fire a lover." "I mean, think how fraught it was for governor Schwarzenegger and that handsome maid." "Yeah, no, that was..." "We all really felt for him." "Okay, so I will take care of Chris if you'll return the favor." "Can you please tell my dad to go home?" "What do you mean?" "He never wants to be alone." "Just the two of us." "He's always giving so much to everybody else that he has nothing left for me." "Do you know what we're doing for dinner tonight?" "It's supposed to be me and him." "Instead, I'm picking up tacos for him and those three freeloaders." "Missy, get back in that stall!" " Thank you." " Hey." "Christopher, listen." "Unfortunately, we can't have you on the show anymore." " What?" " What's the problem?" "This is coming out of left field." "We're going to have to let you go because our regular legal guy, Derek, is sick." "He has a disease, so he needs the health insurance." "What's wrong with him?" "Is he okay or..." "Probably not." "Um, it's M.S. Multiple sclerosis." "Really?" "M.S.?" "That's... that's kind of a lot." "Yeah, it is a lot, Reagan." "It's multiple..." "Sclerosis." "So it's kind of a lot of "scleroses."" "Oh, poor Derek." " Poor Derek." " God." " I'm so sorry, honey." " Yeah." "Oh, God, no." "Are you kidding?" "No, no." "That's..." "I mean, this was fun, but the poor guy." "Poor guy." "I'm fine." "Yeah, no, no." "I'll just..." "I'll just take off." "Maybe I'll swing by and get some hair and makeup samples." " Yeah." " I'm kidding." "Good idea." "I'm not going to..." "Unless, do you know is Heather's around this time of..." " Sure, I'm sure she is." " It's a bit, it's classic." "Honestly, the poor guy." "I'm so sorry to hear about that." "Poor guy." "It's just so awful..." "I'll make sure hair and makeup's okay." "That that happened to him." "Ava Beth." "Daddy?" " Hi." " What are you doing here?" "Well, you know, Reagan told us that you were swamped at work, so I thought we would just take off a day early." "Oh, yeah." "It's the show, you know." "Oh, believe me." "I get it." "You're trying to connect, and I am so jive." "No, daddy, you're never jive." "Oh, sweetie." "I have been jive right down the line." "So this is what I really want to say." "I haven't been the father I should be." "I wasn't there when I should have been." "You're trying to connect." "I'm avoiding." "And I just am..." "I'm so filled with guilt." "Just like Jesse in A Hot Day For Hopscotch when he's afraid to tell the fuzz who opened that fire hydrant, but when he did it, it felt so good." "And officer kindly, he understood because he was sweltering too." "I'm sorry about this line." "We're going to be here for a while." "Good." "So you're sure you're not disappointed?" " No, of course not, babe." " Okay." "I mean, yeah, sure." "I loved doing it, but you know, the guy's got an illness." "You just got to step aside, right?" "Do the right thing, so." "Listen, I'm just happy that I got the chance." " Okay." " Thanks, babe." " Oh." " You're the best." "I told Ava to fire you." "What?" "I'm sorry, honey." "It was just..." "Just having you at work, it was just too much." "You know me." "I need my space." "And you were just..." "You were always there with your jokes and your mug just constantly in my grill." "And to be honest with you, honey, you were just driving me bananas." "Why did you just tell me all that?" "Because I want to be honest with you." "To who's benefit?" "I was just feeling good about myself about stepping aside for a guy who was sick." "I'm so sorry, honey." "I felt horrible lying to you." "So, you want to make yourself feel better by making me feel bad?" "No, I didn't tell you that you sucked the first time." "Wow, you just added that too huh?" "You're just adding stuff, and you're just making it worse." "It's like, babe, I can't even..." "It's that bronzer?" "Yes." "It's from the..." "It's a bit." "Remember?" "I was doing that thing..." "All right, look." "I'm sorry." "I feel horrible." "And I shouldn't have been honest with you." "Now you do it to me." "You need to be honest with me about something bad or I'm going to feel guilty about it all night." "I never told you this before because I didn't know how you were going to react." "Reagan, you keep getting beautiful more and more everyday." "And I keep falling in love with you more and more everyday." "You dick!"