"(MUSIC PLAYING)" "♪ Turn it up ♪" "PETER: 3,698 songs in this thing." "(GRUNTS)" "Does Earth have the best stuff, or what?" "Got that right, Quill." "Don't know what this thing is, but people keep putting money in it, so it's gotta be valuable." "Maybe so, Rocket." "I'm starting to doubt this is really a ceremonial Earth warrior headdress." "I am Groot." "♪ Whoo!" "Yeah, Yeah ♪" "(BEEPS)" "(CROWD GASPING)" "What's going on?" "(CROWD EXCLAIMING)" "Time to pack up our Earth souvenirs and head home." "But this is your home." "Yeah." "Not anymore." "Besides, the galaxy needs its guardians." "First up, the cosmic seed won't get back to Asgard by itself." "The longer we keep it here, the longer my home planet is a target for bad guys like Thanos." "Who's hopefully gonna spend the next billion years digging himself out of the center of the Earth." "And yet my revenge feels hollow." "What is the purpose of a destroyer with no one left to destroy?" "(BEEPING)" "Cheer up, Drax." "Looks like you may have some purpose left after all." "I am Groot?" "(ROCKET SIGHS)" "Beats me, bud." "What is the big deal about some rock?" "According to the energy reading, this rock is Sanctuary." "Eh?" "Thanos's personal asteroid?" "Um, seriously?" "It had a name?" "I'd be more concerned that it moved since we last saw it." "All right." "That's it, kids." "I'm turning this ship around." "Approaching target." "Magnify image." "That does not look like an asteroid." "No, but it looks big enough to hold about ten asteroids." "Any idea what that symbol means?" "(BEEPING)" "According to something called, "The Internet,"" "it stands for, "Avengers."" "ROCKET:" "Otherwise known as some losers about to be ripped off by the Guardians of the Galaxy." "PETER:" "Guess these "Avengers" must take their privacy pretty seriously." "Their security, too." "Security guards." "Drax will destroy them in glorious combat!" "Easy, Drax." "This is Earth." "We don't have the technology to build sentient battle drones." "We barely figured out microwave popcorn." "ROCKET:" "You know what else you don't have?" "Thanos's krutackin' asteroid." "(BEEPING)" "I am Groot." "I know the scanner's picking up a reading." "From inside that doohickey." "That doohickey is too small to contain Thanos's asteroid." "Score one for the master of the obvious, and zero for the rodent's scanner." "My scanner works fine." "And don't call me rodent!" "Oh, hey, look." "It was a false alarm." "Let's all relax." "(MUTTERS)" "Whoa." "Honey, I shrunk the sanctuary. (CHUCKLES)" "Thanos possessed a lot of powerful artifacts, but nothing capable of this kind of mass shifting." "Who cares?" "It's ours now." "I do not know my purpose, but I am certain it is not to be a thief." "We're only stealing this rock back from whoever stole it from Thanos, who probably stole it in the first place." "More importantly, we're protecting my planet." "You know, it's not like Earth is full of mighty heroes like us." "(GAMORA AND GROOT SNICKERING) Huh?" "Seriously?" "Guys, mighty?" "Hey!" "Never underestimate the little guy." "I don't know who you freaks are, but I know you don't belong here." "I am Groot!" "(GRUNTS)" "(GRUNTING)" "Like the vegetable said, what are you gonna do about it, puny?" "(GRUNTING)" "(GROWLS)" "(GRUNTS)" "(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)" "Okay, fun fact," "Earth scientists do not normally do that." "(GRUNTING)" "I am Groot." "I am Hulk!" "PETER:" "Take it easy, big guy." "(GROANS)" " Don't hurt Groot!" " Drax will destroy you!" "(BOTH YELLING)" "That the best you got, green freak?" "You intruders got some 'splainin' to do!" " Hey, I know that reference." " Who gives a flarg?" "Ahh!" "Put the tree down!" "(GRUNTS)" "(GRUNTS) (GROANS)" "Hang in there, bud." "I got an idea." "Hold still so I can smash you!" "Very well." "Ahh!" "Come on!" "Move!" "You do not seem to be able to make up your mind!" "(GRUNTING)" "(GROANING)" "You all right, Quill?" "No, come on." "I swear I'll call ya." "You ask me, Earth defense tech has moved way past microwave popcorn." "But your cyber security's still in the stone age." "(WHIRRING)" "(GRUNTS)" "(ROARING)" "Get off!" "(GRUNTING)" "Ant-Man, Captain Marvel, I wanna thank you two for lending a hand in this mission." "Happy to whip you into shape anytime, Cap." "And once Dr. Banner's done studying that asteroid I shrunk, we can check out this thing we just recovered." "Odd." "My centurions are online." "It could be trouble, Tony." "We better investigate." "(GRUNTS)" "Okay, next time you wanna take out your aggression on something, big guy, try a stress ball." "What?" "I was putting the smash-down on some intruders." "Uh, doubt it." "With my security upgrades, no one can break into this place." "You know, except me." "Tell it to the guys that broke in." "But there was a talking raccoon, and a walking tree, and..." "Okay, that sounds nuts when I say it out loud." "Maybe not." "They took the asteroid!" "Fan out." "Form a perimeter and locate the thieves, whatever they look like." "ROCKET:" "Left!" "The other left!" "The other other left, bark brain!" "I am Groot!" "This armor does not appear as durable as we thought." "(SCREAMS)" "(GRUNTS)" "Uh-oh." "I think we found our intruders." "Told ya!" "Whoa!" "(GRUNTS)" "Ow!" "(GROANING)" "(CHUCKLES)" "Now let's smash some alien thieves." "Um, actually, we were just leaving." "(ROARING)" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "(GRUNTS)" "You thieves ain't going nowhere." "We were trying to protect your krutackin' planet!" "Uh, yeah?" "By stealing our stuff?" "GAMORA:" "It's not yours." "You Terrans can't be trusted with Sanctuary's power." "Ahh!" "Then put down the rock and your weapons, and we can discuss this." "Yeah, we could do that." "Or we could just leave with what we came for!" "Afraid we can't let you do that." "Ahh!" "(YELLS)" "Face it." "You'll never lay an oversized green finger on me." "Well, you'll never lay a puny green finger on me!" "Fortunately, I don't have to." "(GRUNTING)" " I will not fight an unarmed opponent." " Fine with me." "(GRUNTS)" "(GROANS)" "Seriously?" "What's up with the Captain America get-up?" "I'm Captain America." "Yeah." "You fought in World War II, and you're 100 years old." "I was frozen in ice." "(GRUNTS)" "Oh." "You mean like this?" "I've faced deadlier armor." "Heck, I've worn deadlier armor, tin man." "That's, "Iron Man."" "And this suit is impervious to any missile, bomb, or plasma blast you can throw at me." "How about a magnet, Iron Man?" " (GRUNTS)" " Hey, no!" "(YELLING)" "(BOTH GROANING)" "I am Groot." "Well, don't just stand there!" "Fight!" "I am Groot!" "What do you mean you're already fighting?" "Forward, troops!" "Free the asteroid!" "Let's go while we still have an exit option." "I am Groot!" "Ha-ha!" "Try blasting us now, suckers!" "Uh, Quill, it's a tractor beam, not a force field." "I am Groot!" "That's not good." "(YELLING)" "Hang on, Tony." "(GRUNTS)" "What was that?" "ROCKET:" "If I had to guess, something big and green." "(ROARS)" "Aw, can't we go any faster?" "(HULK ROARING)" "Hang on." "I'm diverting all power to the engines." "Divert it quickly!" "(GRUNTING)" "(ENGINE REVVING)" "(YELLS)" "(GRUNTS)" "Apparently, it's raining Avengers today." "Fire up the jet." "They are not getting away." "I got this, Tony." "(BEEPS)" "I am Groot!" "Is that rock growing?" "ROCKET:" "Yo, Earth monkeys!" "Stop messing with my krutackin' asteroid!" ""Earth monkeys"?" "You know, you should've thought of that before you invaded our planet." "Hey, I'm from here, too, and I'm trying to protect our planet by keeping dangerous stuff like this off of it." "I'm already late to return a nasty Cosmic Seed thingy to a dude named Thor." " Wait." "You know Thor?" " Flarg, yeah!" "Didn't he ever mention the Guardians of the Galaxy, led by the legendary Star-Lord?" "IRON MAN:" "Come to think of it, he did say something about a band of misfits, led by the buffoonish Peter Quill." "Yes, that is him." "He is the buffoonish Peter Quill." "So, wait." "We're on the same side?" "Okay, stay calm." "I'm shrinking it now with my Pym Particle Disk." "You mean this gizmo that just got crushed?" "(ENGINE REVVING)" "ROCKET:" "Get it out, get it out, get it out!" "(ALL GRUNTING)" "Incoming!" "I got this!" "(GRUNTS)" "(GRUNTING)" "I told you, I got this!" "Oh!" "Oh, crud." "(YELLING)" "(ALL YELLING)" "(TAPE RIPPING)" "You krutackin' Avengers owe me a lifetime supply of duct tape!" "So, Thor never told you about the Avengers?" "No." "But I approve of the name." "I live for vengeance." "Yeah, that's not exactly what this team's all about." "Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the asteroid hit our main security hub." "The system still thinks we're under attack..." "And initiated the fail-safe protocols." "What kind of fail-safe protocols?" "IRON MAN:" "The kind that..." "I don't know..." "Involve satellites and incredibly powerful laser beams." "You know, that kind of protocol." "(RUMBLING)" "That's not good." "Yeah, we're flarged." "IRON MAN:" "We need a plan to deal with that out-of-control defense satellite." "I'm gonna go with run!" "(YELLS)" "I am Groot!" "What kind of fail-safe system did you so-called heroes slap together?" "One that will rain vengeance!" "Actually, it's meant to protect Earth by stopping hostiles from getting their hands on our tech." "The only thing Earth needs protecting from is you guys!" "Hey, we're not the ones who dropped an asteroid on our headquarters." "No, you're just the ones who messed with its size and forced us to." "'Cause you space freaks ripped off the rock in the first place!" "I am Groot!" "Watch where you're sticking those branches, shrub." "Everyone stand down." "The beam is still active, and it's heading for a populated area!" "ALL:" "This is all your fault!" "Wait." "I just got locked out of the system." "I can't access the satellite's computer." "Which means someone else is tampering with it." "But who?" "Questions will have to wait." "Hulk and Iron Man, we need to deflect the beam away from the town." "Gamora and Drax, you'll help me evacuate citizens." "Marvel and Ant-Man, your mission is to disable the satellite with..." "Wait." "Where are they going?" "They don't even know the plan." "That's never stopped Quill before." "What do you say we go after them and explain it, Carol?" "(GRUNTS)" "Don't worry." "I've got this." "Why didn't they tell us the satellite had an energy shield?" "Hey, space cowboy." "Probably should've listened to Cap's whole plan." "I don't take orders." "I give 'em." "Not that anyone listens to 'em." "So how do we get past the shields?" "I know a guy." "My repulsor shield should weaken the beam." "If the beam doesn't fry my suit's circuitry first." "(GRUNTS)" "(GRUNTING)" "It still packs a pretty good punch!" "(PEOPLE GASPING)" "(SCREAMING)" "(GRUNTS)" "Flee, tiny humans." "Flee from the vengeance of the Avengers!" "Their capacity for destruction is unparalleled." "None shall escape their wrath." "Our job is to protect and reassure the civilians, Drax, not frighten them out of their wits." "(KIDS YELLING)" "(GRUNTS) (WHIMPERING)" "Nice to take orders from someone who actually knows what he's doing." "This is not vengeance." "Should you not call yourselves the Guardians?" "(GRUNTING)" "I think that name's already taken." "PETER:" "You sure you can get us around that shield?" "ANT MAN:" "Well, not around, but through-ish." "As in, between the molecules." "(BEEPS)" "PETER:" "Wait." "Between the..." "Whoa!" "We're so little!" "Whoa!" "PETER:" "Oh!" "Nice!" "Way smoother than those other Avengers." "Now, do I detect the rugged individualism of a fellow outlaw?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Former." "Captain America helped me put that life behind me." "I guess he's kind of a father figure." "Or grandfather figure." "(PETER GRUNTING)" "PETER:" "Yeah, I don't do so well with father figures." "You got a lock pick?" "(CHUCKLES)" "I am a lock pick." "PETER:" "Once an outlaw, always an outlaw." "Only if it's for a good cause." "Tony was right." "Someone else has been tampering with the system." "It's definitely alien tech, but nothing I've ever seen." "(YELLING)" "CAPTAIN MARVEL:" "Looks like they diverted the satellite beam away from the Earth." "Yeah, and straight at us!" "I am Groot!" "Move over, tree." "Let a real pilot take over." "These are sensitive controls." "Ain't like any idiot can fly this thing." "Quill can." "Eh, point taken." "COMPUTER:" "Proximity alert." "(BEEPING)" "That is one big..." "Oh, flarg." "I can't shut it down, but I think I can short it out." "PETER:" "Oh, man!" "My 3,698 songs!" "I saw your playlist." "Trust me, I'm doing you a favor." "If I have to sacrifice my '80s synthpop collection, I'm doing it myself." "A-ha!" "Little again!" "(FRIZZLING)" "(YELLING)" "All right." "Listen up, Avengers and Guardians." "We're the only thing standing between that beam and this town, and we're not going down without a fight." "(BEEPING)" "IRON MAN:" "Ten seconds to impact." "Repulsor shield at maximum!" "(WHIRRING)" "Brace for impact in five, four, three, two..." "Wait." "What?" "Well, guess we owe the buffoonish Peter Quill a thank-you." "Uh, Quill?" "(CHEERING)" "(LAUGHING)" "Score one for team outlaw." "CAPTAIN AMERICA:" "Well done." "Today, you space thieves can call yourselves Avengers." "We have avenged nothing." "Today, you can call yourselves Guardians." "(CHUCKLES) Nice job." "Think us Terrans can be trusted to examine this thing?" "Relax." "I'm a Terran too." "Well, actually I'm half-Terran." "Hey, Rocket, can we thumb a ride?" "Rocket?" "Groot?" "Anybody?" "(CREAKING) They're not answering." "Uh, looks like we got bigger problems." "(ALARM RINGING)" "Like gravity." "PETER:" "Rocket, get over here!" "We got 99 miles until we're pancakes!" "(SHOUTING) Rocket!" "Sync and corrections by masaca"