"Rick: t-t-t-this is just" "Sloppy craftsmanship." "Morty: hey, Rick." "Boy, sure is really especially" "Beautiful out there today, huh?" "Rick: oh, yes, Morty." "I-it's almost unbelievable," "Isn't it?" "Morty: yeah, you know?" "There's something about the air" "And just the way the sunshine" "Is." "Rick: uh, sure, buddy." "Yeah." "Sure." "B-brilliant." "Very convincing." "Rick: wha convincing?" "Morty: oh." "Responsive, too." "In real time." "I love it." "Morty: uhh...okay." "Beth: [ robotic ] i'm going" "To work." "Morty, good morning." "Dad, good morning." "I am going to work." "Goodbye." "Morty: what's with mom?" "Rick: oh, what's with mom?" "So, you're saying that she's" "Acting weird?" "How soph[burps]isticated." "Careful, guys." "You're gonna burn out the cpu" "With this one." "Morty: okay, you know what," "Rick?" "You'reacting weird, too." "Rick: whatever," "Quote-unquote "Morty."" "Morty: all right, well..." "I'll see you after school." "Ow!" "Oof!" "Ugh!" "Damn it!" "I'm all right." "I'm okay." "Rick: [ slurps ]" "All right, who can tell me" "What 5 x 9 is?" "[ students whispering ]" "Morty?" "Morty: uh, me?" "What is 5 x 9?" "Morty: umm...you know, it's" "Uhh...at least 40." "[ students gasp ]" "Morty, that's exactly" "Correct!" "5 x 9 isat least 40!" "Come up here." "Whoo!" "Way to go, Morty!" "Everybody, this is the best" "Student." "I want youto be the teacher" "Today." "Teach us, Morty!" "Rick: interesting." "Morty: w-w-w-what do you want" "Me to teach you?" "Ooh, ooh!" "How do you make concentrated" "Dark matter?" "Oh, that's a good question." "Morty: concentrated huh?" "Concentrated dark matter" "The fuel for accelerated space" "Travel." "Now, do you know how to make it?" "Morty: umm..." "Come on, Morty." "Isn't your grandpa, like, a" "Scientist?" "Morty: oh, yeah, but, you" "Know, he told me that i" "Shouldn't go around spouting off" "About, you know, his science and" "Stuff." "I bet you've seen him make" "Concentrated dark matter a lot." "You know, if you tell us, i'll" "Be your girlfriend." "Morty: uh, y-you will?" "Seems like a rare" "Opportunity, Morty." "[ blam!" "]" "Rick:" "Morty, u-uh, come on." "There's a family emergency." "Stop right there!" "If he leaves, i'm giving him an" ""f."" "Rick: he doesn't care." "Morty: aw, man!" "Rick, i have to go back!" "I think i was about to get" "Married!" "Ugh!" "Rick: take a shower with me," "Morty." "Morty: what?" "!" "Rick:" "listen to me, Morty." "Get your clothes off and get in" "The shower right now." "Y-y-y-you got to trust me," "Morty." "Morty: ugh!" "I'm gonna get an "f" in class," "Rick." "Rick:" "Morty, that's not" "Class." "T-t-t-that wasn't your teacher." "This isn't your school." "This entire world is not the" "World." "We're inside a huge simulation" "Chamber on an alien spaceship." "Morty: wait a minute." "W-what are you talking about?" "Rick: it's all fake [burps]" "Morty all of it." "Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of" "Crazy fake nonsense, Morty." "I couldn't say so until we got" "In the shower." "They won't monitor us in here." "Morty: monitor us?" "!" "W-who?" "!" "Rick: zigerion scammers," "Morty the galaxy's most" "Ambitious, least successful con" "Artists." "You know, it's lucky for us" "They're also really" "Uncomfortable with nudity." "Morty: aw, come on, Rick." "If everyone's just gonna be" "Insane today, at least let me be" "Insane with jessica." "Rick: i can't [burps] let you" "Do that, Morty." "Morty: give it to me!" "Rick: no!" "[ burps ]" "You give it to me!" "Morty: g-g-give it!" "No, Rick!" "[ aliens groaning ]" "Oh, god, sir!" "They're still naked!" "Ugh." "Well, check every five quintons" "And tell me when they're not." "I think we should make kevin" "Look, sir." "What?" "!" "No!" "W-w-why would you even say that?" "Uh, sir, we have a situation" "Over here." "If there's a wiener on that" "Monitor, i swear to god, stu..." "Something is drawing a lot of" "Processing power." "Oh, wait." "No wonder." "There's another real human in" "The simulator." "Jerry: okay, Jerry big" "Pitch meeting." "Make-or-break time." "[ whirrin]" "You can do this." "How did this happen?" "!" "Where's the abductions" "Department?" "Hey, man, abductions just" "Follows the acquisition order." "Don't put this on" "Acquisitions!" "We only acquire humans that" "Haven'tbeen simulated!" "Well, simulations doesn't" "Simulate anybody that's been" "Abducted, so [chuckles]" "Oh, i see!" "Oh, oh!" "It was no one's fault." "Oh, okay. [ chuckles ]" "I'm sorry." "Well, then, problem solved." "Oh, wait no." "There's still another human in" "Here!" "Who is he?" "Rick's son-in-law," "Jerry smith." "So far, he hasn't noticed he's" "In a simulation." "[ sighs ]" "Well, cap his sector at 5%" "Processing, keep his settings on" "Auto, and we'll deal with him" "Later." "Rick sanchez is the target." "Jerry: [ inhales deeply ]" "Got to relax." "It's just a pitch." "Got to relax." "[ click ] [ static ]" "This is earth radio." "And now, here's...human music." "[ repetitive rhythmic beeping]" "Jerry: hmm." "Human music." "I like it." "[ beeping continue]" "[ Rick and Morty panting ]" "Morty:" "Rick!" "Rick: uhp, uhp, uhp!" "Morty, keep your hands off your" "Ding-dong!" "It's the only way we can speak" "Freely." "Look around you, Morty." "Do you really think this [burps]" "World is real?" "You'd have to be an idiot not to" "Notice all the sloppy details." "Look that guy's putting a bun" "Between two hot dogs." "Morty: i don't know, Rick." "I mean, i've seen people do that" "Before." "Rick: well, look at that old" "Lady." "She's she's walking a cat on" "A leash." "Morty: uh, mrs." "Spencer does" "That all the time, Rick." "Rick:" "look, i-i-i don't want" "To hear about mrs." "Spencer," "Morty!" "She's an idiot!" "All right, all right, there." "W-what about that, Morty?" "Morty: okay, okay, you got me" "On that one." "Rick: oh, really,Morty?" "Are you sure you haven't seen" "That somewhere in real life" "Before?" "Morty: no, no." "I haven't seen that." "I mean, why would a pop tart" "Want to live inside a toaster," "Rick?" "I mean, that would be, like, the" "Scariest place for them to live." "You know what i mean?" "Rick: you're missing the" "Point, Morty." "Why would he drive a smaller" "Toaster with wheels?" "I mean, does your car look like" "A smaller version of your house?" "No." "Morty: so, why are they doing" "This?" "W-what do they want?" "Rick: well, that would be" "Obvious to you, Morty, if you'd" "Been paying attention." "[ siren wails ] [ tires screech ]" "We got the president of the" "United states in here!" "We need 10cc of concentrated" "Dark matter, stat, or he'll die!" "Morty: concentrated dark" "Matter?" "They were asking about that in" "Class." "Rick: yeah, it's a special" "Fuel i invented to travel" "Through space faster than" "Anybody else." "These zigerions are always" "Trying to scam me out of my" "Secrets, but they made a big" "Mistake this time, Morty." "They dragged youinto this." "Now they're gonna pay!" "Morty: what do you" "W-w-what are we gonna do?" "Rick: we'll scam the" "Scammers, Morty." "And we're gonna take them for" "Everything they've got." "Jerry: national apple farmers" "Of america, welcome to our ad" "Agency." "I'm Jerry smith." "All right." "I'll just...get to the pitch." "Um, simple question, gentlemen, [ hoarsely ] what are apples?" "[ clears throat ] excuse me." "Ahh." "[ coughs, clears throat ]" "What are apples?" "Apples are food." "And...when do we need food?" "When we're hungry." "With that, i give you your new" "Slogan!" "[ sighs ]" "Well, say something!" "Do you like it?" "Yes." "Jerry: you do?" "All: yes." "Jerry: so...i sold it?" "[ laughs ] i sold the idea?" "All: yes." "Jerry: oh, my god!" "Thank you!" "Together: thank you." "You're welcome." "[ "baker street" plays ]" "Jerry: hey!" "I just sold my first pitch!" "[ dialing ]" "Slow down!" "Lookin' good." "My man!" "[ beeping, telephone ringing ]" "Robot Beth: hello." "Jerry: guess who just sold" "The apples campaign." "Robot Beth: who just sold the" "Apples campaign?" "Jerry: me!" "I guess it wasn't a rip-off of" ""got milk?" after all." "Guess someonewas wrong." "Robot Beth: yes." "Jerry: well, all is forgiven," "Because right now, i've got an" "Erection the size of an" "East coast lighthouse, and i'm" "Coming home to share it with my" "Beautiful wife." "Robot Beth: okay." "Jerry: wait really?" "Robot Beth: yes." "Jerry: yes!" "See you in 10 minutes!" "[ cellphone beeps ]" "Hey!" "I'm going to make love to my" "Wife!" "Lookin' good." "Slow down!" "My man!" "[ beeping ]" "Morty: aw, geez, Rick." "I-i don't know if i like this" "Plan, you know?" "I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have" "A tendency to make me really" "Nervous." "Rick:" "Morty, relax." "It's just a bunch of 1s and 0s" "Out there." "You're gonna be fine." "Just follow my lead." "Yo, deejay, drop that beat." "[ hip-hop beat plays ] [ cheers and applause ]" "Uh-oh, Morty." "This crowd looks too small for" "One of ourfamous rap concerts." "I don't think we can perform our" "New song, "the recipe for" "Concentrated dark matter," for a" "Crowd this tiny." "Morty: you got that right," "Rick." "[ cheers and applause ]" "Rick: now that's [burps]" "More like it!" "Morty, here we go." "Let me hear everybody say" ""hey-oh!" yeah!" "[ crowd cheering ]" "All the ladies say, "yeah!"" "[ ladies cheering ]" "Everybody over 30, do this with" "Your hands!" "Everybody with a red shirt, jump" "Up and down!" "[ beeping ]" "[ tires screech ]" "Jerry: mm." "Mm." "Mm." "Yeah, don't move." "Mm, mm, mm, mm!" "Mm!" "[ cheers and applause ]" "Rick: yo, everyone whose" "First name begins with an "l"" "Who isn't hispanic, walk in a" "Circle the same number of times" "As the square root of your age" "Times 10!" "[ beeping ]" "Run, Morty!" "Before the system reboots!" "[ squeaking ]" "Jerry: yeah!" "You like that?" "Now who's unremarkable?" "You hungry for apples?" "[ squeaking intensifies ]" "Are you hungry...for...apples?" "!" "[ squeaking stops ] [ sighs deeply ] [ chuckles ]" "Oh, my god." "That's the best sex i've ever" "Had in my life." "It's...it's...too good." "I don't deserve this, Beth." "I'm a fraud." "Morty: oh, man, Rick!" "W-w-w-where we running to?" "Rick: out of the simulation," "Morty." "Normally, the chamber operates" "Like a treadmill, with the" "Virtual world disappearing" "Behind us and being rendered in" "Front of us as we move through" "It, but while it's frozen," "Morty, we can get to..." "The edge." "Here we go." "Morty: holy crap!" "Rick: come on, Morty." "Morty: [ grunts ]" "Sir, they're over the edge." "Yes, they are." "Just...as...planned." "[ evil laughter ]" "Oh, this is going to be such a" "Mind [bleep]" "Rick: keep your eyes peeled" "For the central processing room," "Morty." "That's how we're gonna scam" "These idiots." "Morty: so, hey, why do these" "Aliens keep coming after you," "Rick, if you're so much smarter" "Than them?" "Rick: it's an obsession for" "Them at this point." "The zi[burps]gerions have been" "Trying to outsmart me for years," "Morty." "Every time they do, i'm one step" "Ahead of them." "Aha!" "Here we go." "Grab as many processors as you" "Can carry, Morty." "These guys aren't good at much," "But they're reallygood at" "Making these chips." "Morty: i've got so many, i" "Can barely hold them all." "[ chuckles ]" "Look at look at this." "Oops." "I dropped one." "Rick: don't worry about it," "Morty." "There's plenty of them, you" "Little goofball." "[ both laugh ]" "Come here, Morty!" "Oh, i gotcha!" "Morty: come on, quit it," "Rick!" "Quit it!" "[ laughs ]" "Rick: nothing wrong with just" "A little bit of horseplay every" "Now and then, little fella." "[ glass shatters ]" "Morty: wow." "What do you know?" "Huh." "That was easy." "Rick: totes malotes, dawg." "Morty: just kind of hard to" "Believe, you know?" "Rick: believe it, Morty." "And once again, i'm flying away" "With everything i can carry, and" "The zigerions got nothing of" "Mine." "Jerry: [ sighs ]" "Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a..." "Minute to talk?" "[ snaps fingers ] yes." "Jerry:" "look, i'm a fraud." "I mean, let's face it" ""hungry for apples" is just a" "Rip-off of "got milk?"" "It's almost identical." "[ snaps fingers ] yes." "Jerry: [ sighs ] okay." "I deserve that." "Umm...i guess...i'll just pack" "Up my desk." "[ snaps fingers ] yes." "Jerry: [ crying ] [ sobbing ] oh, my god." "Wait." "You know what?" "!" "No!" "The milk people don't have a" "Patent on simple rhetorical" "Questions!" "There's not even a single word" "In "hungry for apples" that's" "Shared by "got milk?"" "It's a completely different" "Slogan." "It's different!" "And i shouldn't be fired." "I should be promoted!" "[ snaps fingers ] yes." "Jerry: yeah!" "Wait." "Really?" "[ snaps fingers ] yes." "Jerry: yes!" "I mean, i'm it may be" "Derivative, but it's the most" "Successful campaign to come out" "Of thagency in a long time." "[ snaps fingers ] yes." "Jerry: i-i'm not saying it" "Should win an award for" "Commercials, but it could" "Certainly be nominatedfor an" "Award for commercials" "Specifically about apples," "Like...an appley or something." "[ snaps fingers ] yes." "Jerry: is there really an" "Award called the appley for" "Apple-related ad campaigns?" "[ snaps fingers ] yes." "Jerry: could we nominate me?" "[ snaps fingers ] yes." "Jerry: holy crap!" "[ beeping ]" "Rick: get in, Morty." "I'm gonna [burps] be able to use" "These processors to make some" "Real important science stuff." "[ keypad beeping ]" "Huh." "I thought i entered the code" "Right." "[ keypad beeping ]" "Wha well, what's this?" "W-what could this possibly be?" "Because it looks like you're" "Inside a simulation..." "Inside a simulation." "You're still on the ship." "Game-day bucket go boom." "Sir, the, uh, doctor's" "Appointment to examine the" "Discoloration on your butthole" "Flaps was" "Too loud, cynthia." "Too loud and too specific." "Rick: uhh... [ chuckles ]" "We've known how to make" "Concentrated dark matter for a" "Long time." "But now we alsoknow the code to" "Your fabled safe, Rick sanchez!" "All your most valuable secrets" "Will now be ours!" "Rick: uh, yeah, until i get" "Home before you and change the" "Combination, you bunch of" "Idiots!" "That is why you're never" "Getting home." "Get them!" "Rick: [ grunts ] [ aliens shouting, groaning ]" "Run, Morty!" "[ both panting ]" "Morty: oh, my god!" "[ beep, click ]" "[ mechanical breathing ]" "Ow!" "[ click, whoosh ] [ aliens screaming ] [ both panting ]" "Jerry: i got to tell you," "This morning, i didn't even know" "This award existed." "Now i'm holdingone." "And...um..." "Look, i want to say that today" "Was the best day of my life..." "But...the truth is, it's it's" "More meaningful than that." "My man!" "Jerry: yes." "Thank you, sir." "[ sighs deeply ]" "I...am...finally complete!" "[ beeping ]" "My my my my man!" "Jerry: aah!" "What the hell?" "!" "[ beeping ]" "No." "Rick:" "Jerry?" "!" "Morty: dad!" "Rick: what are you doing" "Here?" "W-why are you dressed like a" "Waiter?" "Screw it." "We don't have time." "Come on." "Jerry: [ sobbing ] no!" "[ alarm blaring ]" "Rick: ohhhhh!" "[ beeping ]" "Jerry: aah!" "All: yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Oof!" "Rick: man up, Jerry!" "I may need you to work the" "Lasers." "[ beeping ] [ slurps ] [ gasps ] [ alarm blaring ]" "Morty: oh, man!" "They're hot on our tail, Rick!" "Rick: i guess they really do" "Have concentrated dark matter." "Morty: well, you know how to" "Make it, too, right, Rick?" "Rick: yeah." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Uh, check the engine room." "We just need cesium, plutonic" "Quarks, and bottled water." "Morty: it's all here, Rick!" "Rick: wow, Morty." "Lucky break." "Grab that bucket." "Okay, two parts plutonic quarks," "One part cesium." "Morty: okay." "Uh-huh." "[ fizzing ]" "All right." "Rick: now empty the water" "Bottle into the bucket and pour" "It all into the fuel tank so we" "Can get the hell out of here!" "What are you doing, Morty?" "!" "There's no time!" "[ beeping ]" "Morty: [ stammering ]" "Rick: oh, no." "Jerry: what the" "Rick: no!" "[ laughter ]" "Oh, my god, Rick." "How dumb are you?" "You're inside a simulation..." "Of a simulation..." "Inside another giant simulation!" "[ laughs ]" "W-we never had the recipe for" "Concentrated dark matter." "But we do now!" "We do now, sucka!" "Rick: you simulated my" "Grandson's genitalia?" "!" "Y-y-you bunch of diabolical sons" "Of bitches!" "Kevin fought real hard to" "Supervise that project." "You said you weren't gonna" "Tell anyone!" "I'm never gonna live this down," "Am i?" "Rick: all right." "Okay." "All right, great." "Wonderful." "You win." "Can we go home now?" "I don't know." "Canyou?" "Ha!" "Nice." "Okay, okay." "Show this gullible turd to his" "Shuttle." "I'm done with him." "Oh, wait." "Let me get a picture." "[ shutter clicks ]" "Aww." "Look at his face." "He's trying to figure out if" "He's in a simulation still." "Are you, Rick?" "Are you?" "[ laughs ]" "You're not." "Or ayou?" "Oh, a-and, by the way, i don't" "Have discolored butthole flaps." "That was part of the simulation." "Oh." "Uh, sir, should i cancel that" "Appointment, then?" "Yeah!" "Of course you should!" "[ chuckles ]" "No, keep it." "Move it up, actually, if you" "Can." "Rick: hey, Jerry, don't worry" "About it." "So what if the most meaningful" "Day of your life was a" "Simulation operating at minimum" "Cap[burps]acity?" "Jerry: you know what, Rick?" "Those guys took youfor a ride," "Too." "You should try having a little" "Respect for the dummies of the" "Universe, now that you're one of" "Us." "Rick: maybe you're right," "Jerry." "Maybe you're right." "[ aliens cheering ] [ dance music plays ]" "All right, everybody." "Two parts plutonic quarks..." "One part cesium... [ fizzing ]" "A-and listen, i'm sorry for" "Éling earlier." "I-i couldn't ask for a better" "Staff." "I love you guys, and i love all" "Your families." "And the final ingredient..." "Jerry: whoa!" "What the hell?" "!" "W-what happened back there?" "Rick: why don't you ask the" "Smartest people in the universe," "Jerry?" "Oh, yeah. [ burps ] you can't." "They blew up." "[ sighs ] [ beep ]" "[ "baker street" play] [ vocalizing ]" "[ vocalizing out of sync ]" "[ "baker street" continues ]" "Jerry: so..." "What do you think?" "You're fired." "Jerry: wha" "But t-this idea was tested in a" "State-of-the-art simulation." "Well, then, it was a terrible" "Simulation." "Get out." "[ door opens, closes ]" "Man, how does a guy like that go" "Home and have sex with his wife?" "Rick: hey, Morty." "Morty: what?" "Rick: hey, little buddy." "H-h-how you doing in here right" "Now?" "Morty: aw, geez, Rick." "What are you doing, man?" "Rick: y-y-you're a good kid," "Morty." "Y-you're a real l-little" "C-character, Morty." "Morty: oh, boy." "Rick: you know, i had a" "Really rocky road today," "M-Morty." "You're my little friend, aren't" "You?" "[ sighs ]" "We had some good times together," "Huh, m-Morty?" "We" "You're a real true hero out in" "The fld." "You're a li" "You're a real trouper, huh," "M-m-Morty?" "Morty: have you been" "Drinking, Rick?" "Rick: i really appreciate" "You, Morty." "Morty: o-okay, cool." "A-all right, Rick" "Rick: you little son of a" "Bitch!" "Y-y are you a simulation?" "!" "Huh?" "!" "Are you a simulation?" "!" "Morty: no!" "No!" "No!" "Rick: you little son of a" "Bitch!" "Morty: [ gasping ]" "Rick: i-i-i'm sorry, Morty." "Y-you're a good" "You're a good kid, Morty." "Morty: geez!" "Rick: y-you're a good" "You're a good kid." "Morty: oh, my god!" "Rick: [ snoring ]" "Morty: w-w-what the hell?" "What a life."