"Shut that down a second, will you, Dave?" "Bob, come round here for a bit." "Jim, put it over here with me." " Fredrick Taylor." "Freddie Taylor." " Yes, sir." "Welcome to Vigilant Life Assurance." "I see that you grew up in Cemetery Junction." "Went to Stonemead, the worst school in the south of England." "Mr. Kendrick will see you." "They expect you to leave at 14 with no qualifications and go directly to the scrapheap of life." " Does this sound about right?" " I suppose so, sir." "Well, I know so because I grew up in Cemetery Junction and I went to that school." "I knew that." "It's one of the reasons I wanted to work for you." "Mike Ramsay is gonna be supervising." "You got anything to add, Mike?" "When selling life assurance, you want the stench of death in their nostrils." "Talking to the husband, you want the missus thinking:" ""Crumbs, chief." "What's my life gonna be like when he pegs it?"" "Men work, women worry." "That's what you rely on." "Don't look at Mr. Kendrick." "He didn't hear that, and I didn't say it." "Do you understand?" " Yes, sir." " Lovely." "Over to you, sir." "You're a bit of an inspiration to me." "I know that you got out of the old neighborhood." "I know that you've got a Rolls-Royce parked in your own parking space." "And I know that you own a mansion worth 40,000 pounds." "Forty-two thousand pounds." "That's what I want, sir." "I don't want to end up like my dad." "Coming home aching, with grease on my hands and nothing to show for it." "Good." "Hello." "Hi." "I'm Freddie Taylor." "Hello." "Hello, I'm Freddie Taylor." "Mr. F. Taylor from the Vigilant Life Assurance Company." "Good day to you." "Can I come in?" "Thanks." "What?" "This?" "Yeah." "Yeah, it's real leather, yeah." "I've just got some very important documents in here." "Can I sit down?" "Thanks." "Oh, I love your curtains." "They're so..." " Hold him, hold him." " Oh, my God." "I'm not even breathing." "I'm not..." "That is disgusting." "Not allowed to fart on him now he doesn't work in a factory." " What are you listening to?" " Vaughan Williams." "Had that suit on five minutes, already a poof." "For listening to classical music?" " That is the test for queer, isn't it?" " That is the test." "I'm trying to better myself." "I'm trying to educate myself." "Get that off." "That's real leather." "Oh, hello." "Freddie, stop listening to music made by poofs." "Stick on some Elton John." "Sergeant." " Evening." "How are you?" " All right." " How's your dad?" " He's all right." "Caught him at home watching Noddy." "It's another big night." "Why's Noddy got a hat with a bell on it?" " Go on." " Because he's a cunt." "It's five past 7." "Here, mate." "Watch out, watch out." " You seen Snork's tattoo?" " No." "Oh, you're gonna love this." "Show him." "Now, must point out you designed it yourself." "Yeah." "Drew it myself." "Had it done down on Elgar Road." " Cost him two weeks' wages." " Bloody hell." " All right, all right, you queers." " Ready?" "What the fuck is that?" "Well, it's a beautiful lady vampire looking out of a window." "I'm Bruce, that's Freddie, that's Snork." " It's Paul." " Why Snork?" "Those glasses, thought they made him look like Elton John." "I thought he looked like Snork out of Banana Splits." "Remember the fat one with the glasses and the trunk?" "Trunk, sure." "Call me Snork because I got a nose for muff." "Every time." "Every time." "Hey, how you doing?" " You look great." " Oh, hey." "Hi." " Wait, I'll turn around." " Oh, Jesus, there's a back to it as well." " Who's that out on the street?" " It's me." " What, you're naked too?" " I'm gonna go and give her one." " Why such a big knob?" " Well, I've got a hard-on." " Why have you already got a hard-on?" " Ain't you seen her boobs?" "Just a minute." "You're naked, but..." "Are you wearing socks?" "I'm in the street." "Don't want my feet getting cold." "That's a good point, actually." "I'm getting off with a vampire." "What have you two ever done?" " Real women." " Real women." "Vampire, though." " What's your name?" " Who are you?" " Well, I'm Paul." " We call him Snork." " Because I got a nose for muff." " What you talking to my wife for?" "I didn't realize." " She is." " He didn't realize." " Why are you getting involved?" " I'm not." " What are you doing?" " Look what you've done." " Pushed over a little retard." " Yeah." "But he's my little retard." "Stop!" "Stop!" "Go left, go left, go left." "Wait." "Hold up." "Come on." " Come on, Snork, over." " Don't hurt your ankle, Snork." "Come on." "Oh, shit." "Wakey-wakey." "Rise and shine." "Stand by your beds." "Out you come, you lucky, lucky boys." " Come on, off you go." " They're not going anywhere." "Been involved in disorderly conduct and a major disturbance of the peace." "Let them out, you little ponce, or I'll disturb your bloody peace." " What does that mean?" " No idea." "Okay, off you go." "Can I help you?" "Yeah." "Start by brushing your teeth." "You been sucking the toilet mat?" " Leave it out." "Come on." "Off you go." " Okay." "Snorky." " Freddie." "Send your mom my love." " Yeah, all right." " Your dad still around?" " Yeah." "Shame." "That's a shame, that." "Looking forward to my dinner." "Give us a knock later on." " Morning, Brucie." " All right, Bill." "These people are queuing for food." "They are Ethiopian peasants who used to own houses land and cattle." "Elton John's looking for a wife." "Now they possess nothing but the clothes that hang from their frail shoulders." "He's a lying sod." "He's been eating." "He's got a potbelly and everything." "Eat the flies if you're hungry." "Fussy little bleeder." " No, no." "That's enough of that." " I'm joking." "I'm not having that on while we eat." "It's revolting." "Switch it off." " I'm not getting up." "Don't look at it." " Here he is." "Where were you last night?" "Dirty stop-out." " I stayed at a mate's place." " Oh, yeah?" "What mate?" "Don't worry, he's a policeman." " So he'd have kept you out of trouble?" " Oh, yes." "We were very secure." "in the afternoon, one piece of bread." "These humble scraps of food are..." "They're pretty when they're babies, aren't they, the blacks?" "I saw one in the hospital when I was having Len." "Yeah." "To be honest, I think the little half-castes are prettiest." "When they're little they are, yeah." "Well, I feel sorry for them more than the poor ones, really." "They're not one thing nor the other." "Blacks don't like them because they got a bit of white." "Whites don't like them because they got a bit of black." " Sad, really." " It is sad." " You lot don't half-talk some bollocks." " Language in front of your nan." "He's got too much of what the cat licks its ass with." " What does that mean?" " You've got too much lip." "Cats don't lick their asses with their lips." "It's their tongue." "Stop answering back." "You know what she's talking about." "You've got no respect." "I know why." "Because he wears a suit to work." "Thinks he's better than his dad." "That don't mean nothing." "One day he's gonna realize he's like the rest of us." "You listen." "He knows what he's talking about." " You'll never amount to anything." " Exactly." "Because he never amounted to anything." "What do you mean, I never amounted to anything?" " You know what I mean." " I don't." "I've got two jobs." " Two jobs?" " Yeah." "Working in a factory all week, window-cleaning at the weekend." " What kind of life is that?" " Window-cleaning is my business." " Not proper business." " How do you make that out?" " Cleaning windows?" " Yeah." "It's almost like begging." "It's not a proper job." "It's not in the Bible." "It's pathetic." " Go to your room." " What for?" " Talking back to your elders." " What is this, a Navajo village?" "If I'm telling him off about swearing why are you coming out with cats' assholes?" " "Bollocks" is worse than "ass. "" " It's not." "Cats' assholes are worse than any bollock." "What would you rather have in your head?" " Bollocks or a cat's asshole?" " Len." "I don't want bollocks or asses in my head." "Well, don't say it, then." "You're a lodger here." " That's enough." " I pay my pension every week." "Doesn't even cover your cheese and crackers and omelet every day." "No wonder you're bloody constipated." "You're egg-bound." ""What am I selling?"" ""I am selling security." "A great advantage of a new life-assurance policy to the man with money to put aside is that it is the only means of saving which instantly creates an estate for his dependants in the event of his death. "" "Do you have any questions so far?" "No." "Okay." ""Life assurance helps to counteract inflationary tendencies, contributes... "" "Can I stop you there?" "This is all fascinating, but we're really not interested." "If you let me finish, you'd see that for a few pence a week..." "We can't afford a few pence a week." "We're saving for a holiday." " Oh, where are you going?" " Spain." "I heard that's lovely." "The neighbors went." "They had a wonderful time over there." "They brought that donkey back for us." "That's a lovely donkey." "It's nice, isn't it, Mike?" "So that's what we're working towards at the moment." "We really want a holiday." "We'd rather have the memories, wouldn't we?" "Fair enough." "Thanks again." "Excuse me." "I just need to speak to my colleague for one moment." " Mate, what are you doing?" " They don't want a policy." " You gotta make them think they do." " What about the holiday?" " Fuck the holiday." " Right." "Fuck the holiday." "Did you fight in the war, sir?" " Yes." "Egypt." " Well, I'd like to thank you for that, sir." "I'd like to thank the good Lord that you came back safe and sound." "But, and pardon me for asking this what's the point of fighting and surviving for her donkey if you're not gonna see the job through?" " What do you mean?" " If you don't put this money aside and you die suddenly, then your wage packet dies with you." "Your wife will go on living." "How is she gonna cope?" "Is this government gonna look after her?" "They can't keep the lights on." "They can't keep the streets clean." "They will do nothing and she'll be on her own." "I mean, I've sat with so many widows who used to be full of life." "Their husbands died and within a month, they were a bag of bones." "They can't afford to buy food, clothes." "They can't afford to buy soap." "Soap." "They can't afford to keep themselves clean." "And they beg me, they say to me, "Tell every wife what I now know. "" "Which is that old age is a living hell if you are old and you are poor." "If that happens because you didn't make provision then it begs the question:" "What the hell did we fight a war for?" "Mrs. Waring, is a two-week holiday worth 20 years of misery?" "Could I just speak to my wife a moment, please?" "Yes." "Of course." "That was amazing." "Let them smell the wraith." " How long you been doing this?" " Four years." "Top seller in three months." "Been to three Winners Balls." " Winners Balls?" " Yeah." "Balls for the best salesmen." "Amazing, fantastic." "Free food, all the booze you can drink, and birds on tap." "You get yourself a pair of lemons like this once a week and you'll be down there too." " Actually, we would like to..." " Of course." "There's a couple of things you need to sign." "Freddie Taylor." " Julie." " You didn't recognize me." " Yeah." " You said you were gonna write to me." " I haven't heard from you in 10 years." " A lot's happened since I was 12." " I've been busy." " Really?" "What's been happening?" "Well, my voice broke I worked in a factory, and I just bumped into you now." " That's it." "What about you?" " Nothing much." " Made you cry when I moved away." " Yeah." " Forced to learn Latin for no reason." " Nice." " Got my camera." " Yeah." "Oh, and I got engaged." " You jealous?" " Yeah." "I've always wanted a camera." " Do you work for this lot?" " Just started." "District agent." "You?" "No." "I'm just meeting my dad." "He works here." " Oh, who's your dad?" " He's the district manager." "Julie Kendrick." "Of course." "Why aren't we going out?" "That'd have been great for my career." " Since when did you have a career?" " Since I bought this tie." " Lovely tie." " Thanks." " What you?" "How goes it?" " Mike, this is Julie." " Met the missus?" " Yeah, we know each other." " Well, we used to." " Need a word." "Dad know you're here?" " Yeah." " Okay, see you later." " Okay, see you later." " It was good to see you, Freddie." " Yeah, absolutely lovely to see you." " I didn't know you were..." " Banging the boss's daughter?" " It all helps." "Morning, Janine." " Good morning." " See you tomorrow, Len." " See you later, mate." "Ask him again." "Keep asking him." "We're gonna break him." "Talk!" "All right?" " Hello?" " In here." " Hello, Mr. Pearson." "All right?" " Freddie, nice to see you." " How's your mom and dad?" " Still together." " Yeah." "Good, thanks." " And what about your new job?" " It's all right." " Good for you, Freddie." "Told him about your new job, Dad?" "Sitting on your ass all day watching telly." " It's my old back, like, you know?" " Still bad, is it?" " Well, have another beer." " Oh, cheers." "I will." "Yeah, I know you will, you useless twat." "Hey, you shouldn't talk to your dad like that." "He's lucky." "I don't usually talk to him at all." " He's your dad, though." " So it's fuck-all to do with you." "See you later, Mr. Pearson." "Now we've got Mr. and Mrs. Wade from Pype Hayes, Birmingham." "So I asked her out." " Hello, Brian, Louise." " Here they come." " You all right?" " All right." "How are you?" " Yeah, Snorky." " Hello." "Three bacon sandwiches." " Three..." " I want two." " Two for my friend on a diet." " On a diet." " Hi." " Hello." "I like your hat." " Oh, cheers." " Stop chitchatting." "Serve the customers." "Charlie Willis there ain't got all day." "Charlie, you haven't got all day, have you?" "Don't die there." "I'll stick you in the deep fat fryer." "Serve your knob up as a battered sausage and your old bollocks as pickled onions." "I'm just joking." " All right there?" " She likes you." " What?" " She likes you." "She told me she did." " Want me to put a word in?" " No." " Come on, she's nice." " No way." "I can do better." " Doesn't wanna lower his standards." " No, I do not." "Yeah, a man of integrity." "Don't wanna lower your standards, but you got to." "I was like you once." "I didn't wanna lower my standards." " But I got tired of getting no muff at all." " Yeah?" "I was going blind with masturbation, so I lowered my standards, and now:" "I didn't get laid till I was 28." "Now I've slept with two women." " Have you?" " Went all the way with one of them." "Yup, I'll do anything that's going." " Do you know anything that's going?" " No." "Well, I wouldn't pay for it." "I've been with a prostitute once, but I didn't pay for it." "No, I did a runner." "She couldn't chase me." "No, I think she had gout." " What's gout?" " I just told him that you fancied him." " Oh, God." " Oh, don't worry, he doesn't fancy you." " Doesn't wanna lower his standards." " I didn't say that." "Bloody hell, Brian." "I didn't say that." "I'm not getting into anything serious." "He's not getting into anything, full stop." " Not true." "I get loads of fanny." " Not in here, you don't." " I'll go wait outside." " See you, Snorky." " Get a bit of pork and stalk." " Ignore them, okay?" " They're morons." " On your way." "Nice, isn't it?" " I'm starting to get tired." " You're always tired." "I work hard." "Unlike you." "What do you mean?" "It's hard at the station." " Shut up, Snork." " Stop bickering, you two, all right?" " Got any more beers?" " No, sorry, last one." "How much do you reckon one of these places costs?" "Cheap, probably." "It's all spit and sawdust, isn't it?" "With this new job, if I work hard, I could afford a deposit on one." "Probably have it paid for in 25 years, and then I'd be living there rent-free." "Freddie, look." "Yeah, great." "What's wrong with you?" " Aren't we too old to be doing this?" " It's what we do." " It's what we've always done." " I've got a good job." "Don't wanna lose it because I got caught drawing tits." " Draw a cock, then." " It's not what I draw." "He can't do the cocks." "I does cocks." "You do cocks, you do tits." "I'll do something with my life." " What is wrong with you?" " That's someone's property." " Yeah." " What do I care?" "I'm leaving anyway." "You've been saying that every day since we were 15." "You're in the house you were born in, in the same room." " Same sheets." " Don't join in." "Freddie, come on." "Oh, great." "Put that down." " Morning, officer." " Morning." "How are we?" " That your handiwork?" " I can't take all the credit." "I did do the breasts, but he likes to do the cocks." "Is that funny?" "A married man with two children who are watching him suck an oversized penis." "How is that funny?" " All right, calm down." " Shut up." " Wash it off." " What with?" " Wash it off." " That's enough." " Come on, then." " Fuck me, Ralph." "What have I told you about your breath?" "Let's brush your teeth." "Brush your teeth." "Brush your fucking teeth." "Come on." " Get him up." "Get him up." " That's enough." "See you later, boys." "Can I drive?" "Hello, my name's Freddie Taylor, from Vigilant Life Assurance..." "Hello there." "My name's Freddie Taylor." "I'm from..." " Vigilant Life Assurance Company." " It's a few pence a week." " Does it look like I'm made of money?" " What if you get married?" " I will." "I wanna park this in more garages first." " If you die, what's your wife do?" " I'll tell you." "Bleed me dry when I'm alive and bleed me dry when I'm dead." "Haven't met the woman, she's already winding me up." "I'll leave some information with you." "Maybe we can arrange a time for me to come back and talk you through it?" " Dad." " What, you stupid idiot?" " Buy a policy." " No." " Who'll pay for your funeral?" " Got years yet." "Not with all that fat round your heart." "And I'm not paying for it." "Like you'll still be around when I go." "Bury me in the garden." "I don't care." "He buries everything in the garden." "Got an old mangle there, old cooker." "Not paying council to take rubbish." "Better start digging a hole for him." "I'm not doing it." "You won't be alive when I die." "You'll already be buried with the mangle." "Remind me to do that, Kath." "Buy a policy or I'll be out of work on Monday." "Good." "You can help dig your grandmother's grave." " I need a favor." "You're my last resort." " Any cash I have, I spend on porn." " You need insurance." " No, I need porn." " You need insurance." "Insurance." " I need porn." "Porn." "Hello again." "We spoke last week." "You said you might be interested in our policies." "Hello." "Are you Mrs. Kendrick?" "I'm looking for Mike Ramsay." "He told me to meet him here." " Yes, come in." " Thanks." " I'll let him know you're here." " Thanks." "Art." "Yep." " You like art?" " I don't know much about it, sir." "The bloke who painted that just died." " That's bad news." " No, it's good news." "Probably gone up in value, so it's a good investment." "Yeah, bad news for his family, though." "Yes, it's a downer for them, sure." " How are you finding the job?" " Yeah, it's fun." " It's fun." " Fun?" "I don't like the sound of that." "It shouldn't be fun if you're working hard." "I enjoy working hard, sir, so..." "You work hard, I'll probably see you at the Winners Ball." "Great night out, a chance to let your hair down although I see you already have." "Yeah." "Well, I'm gonna get this cut, actually." "Short back and sides, something smart." "Excellent." " Super." " Anyway, you mind waiting?" "I'm going over stuff with Mike." "Take a seat." " Hi." " Hi." "Hurry up." "It is thought that around one-and-a-half million workers including those from car manufacturing..." "Dad, didn't tell me my blind date had arrived." "Bit disappointing." " Old back still bad, is it, Mart?" " Oh, God, aye, still bad." "Doctors can't understand it." "Can't do a day's work, but he can get to the pub." "He says you had a go at one of his boys." "Oh, I only brushed his teeth." "Anyway, they dropped the charges." "I dropped the charges." "Sorry for the hassle." "I thought he'd have grown out of it." "What have you ever done with your life?" "Oh, yeah?" "What are you doing with yours?" "I'm out every night, shagging, boozing, fighting." "Fighting?" "Bloody hell." "Fighting for what?" "You're punching blokes in pubs." "You're hardly Henry the bloody V, you know." "Think you're James Dean, Rebel Without a Cause." "You're not a rebel." "There's nothing to rebel against." "If you don't like it here, piss off." "Nobody's stopping you." "Go and ruin somebody else's town." "I'm going, don't worry." "I'm leaving." "He's been saying that since he was 15 and he's still here." " I won't be here when I'm your age." " You think you're cock of the walk?" "But your feathers are gonna drop out." "Ten years' time, you'll still be here going to the disco, drinking your ten pints." "Then you'll be a dirty old man, and you'll be a drunk." "Like him?" "I don't know how you stop yourself from smacking him, Mart." "That I would like to see." "Oh, well, I gotta go." " I'll see you again, Mart." " Yeah." "I'll see you, Wyn." "Sorry." " You take care." " ... at Trafford Park the British Aircraft Corporation in the northwest Dunlop Tyres in Birmingham and Rolls-Royce in Bristol." "The strikes were accompanied by protest rallies in London, Birmingham..." " The way you talk to him." " Embarrassing." " Embarrassing?" "Like father, like son." "Can't solve everything by smacking people..." "Don't start." "Might have a family yourself one day." "You don't want that reputation." "I want my son to respect me like I respect you." "Don't worry about my family, Dad." "I'll keep my family together." "She left me, Bruce." "Not my fault, is it?" "Maybe if you'd smacked the bloke, she'd still be here." "Do you really think that?" "Do you really think that would have solved anything?" "If I'd have gone there and smacked him in the mouth would that have made me feel better?" "Would've made me feel a hell of a lot better." "But you're a laughingstock, Dad." "Waste of space." "What really pissed me off, Dad, you didn't even try." "Just laid down like a doormat and let some stranger walk all over you." "Someone tried to take my bird, I'd be a man about it." "Go after him." "Smash his fucking face in." "Least if she didn't want me, she'd be visiting her new bloke in a graveyard." "My jewelry's in the safe." "Just take it, don't hurt anyone." "Only gonna try it on." " Where are your high heels?" " You always wanted to be taller." " What were you doing in there?" " It's my own darkroom." " I can develop my own pictures." " Wow, did you take these?" "No, they're from my cousin Marie." "She sends me these wherever she is." "That's her in Paris." "Rome." "Naples." "Morocco." "Egypt." " What is she, on the run?" " No." "Well, sort of." "She used to work in a café in town." "One day she took off her apron, got on a train at the station, never came back." "She keeps moving." "Doesn't plan it." "Just makes it up as she goes along." " Is she married?" " No." "Why, you going to East Africa?" "Well, she's gorgeous." "Yeah, she was always the pretty one." "No, she's not as pretty as you." "You're taken, aren't you?" " So do you wanna travel?" " Yeah." "Yeah, obviously, yeah." " Where do you wanna go?" " I've always wanted to go to Cornwall." " Cornwall?" " Yeah." "Oh, well, Cornwall's a good start, but there's so many amazing places." "Look how tiny England is." "France is only five hours away." "We could leave now, and by 6:00, we'd be in Paris eating escargot." "Sounds nice." "As long as they don't try and sneak in any snails." " They eat them, don't they, over there?" " Yeah, they do." " They eat weird food, the French." " No." "French food's supposed to be the best." " Is it?" " Yeah." "Hey, there's a woman here with her knockers out." "God, they're all at it." "That's my ambition, to take pictures like those." "What, porno?" "That's National Geographic." "I wanna travel, see other cultures have my own photos in a magazine like that." " Good luck with that." " What's wrong with that?" "People from around here don't do stuff like that." "What about Marie?" "Someone's gotta take these pictures, why not me?" " Don't know." "It's just not how it works." " Well, what do you wanna do?" "Work, get married, the usual." "Is that really what you wanna do?" "Get married and die?" "At the funeral, all they say is:" ""He supported Reading Football Club and liked onions. "" " I don't know." " See, I'm not like you." "I never wanted to buy a house and marry the first boy that came along." " Who, me?" " We were 12." "You have to move on." "What you doing in my fiancée's room?" " Nothing." " Trying to steal my bird?" "God, no." "Calm down, mate, I'm only kidding." "See you later, sweetheart." "Give me a kiss." "Right, let's hit the bricks, mate." "Freddie, take this for some more travel ideas once you've been to Cornwall." " Or you could just look at the tits." " Thanks." "See you." "Jacket." "Tea, dear." "Oh, no, not now, not now." "I've already had a warning." "I'll get fired." "Piss off." " Platform alteration." "Will pass...?" " Little willy." "Will passengers for Swindon please go to Platform 2?" "Lovely little willy." " Testicles." " Put that down." " Testicles." "Gonads." " That last message was spurious." "Will passengers for Swindon please go to Platform 2?" " What are you doing?" " Come and have a beer." "I've got a job." "I'm not going out drinking during the day." "Taking a leaf out of Freddie's book." "Gonna make something of my life." "If I play my cards right, I could be station manager here one day." "Charlie can't have very long." "Nearly swallowed his whistle." " How did that happen?" " He was getting agitated." "The train was late and the driver was talking." "He blew hard and his teeth came out, and he tried to put them back in." "He sucked them back, hoping no one would notice." "Then his whistle went down his throat and he started coughing." "His teeth flew out and went on the floor." "No one wanted to pick them up, so he had to bend over and his back went." "It was awful." "But anyway, that could be me one day." "Think on while you're out drinking and shagging birds and wasting your life." " Now piss off, I've got stuff to do." " I'll see you later." "See youse later." "Will passengers for Swindon make their way to Platform 1?" "Their train is about to arrive." "The gentleman in the bowler hat, will you please be made aware you are a massive queer." " It's done." "It's done." " It's not done." "Get out the way." "You can't say things like that." " See you later." " I'll come and see you later." "Leave my tie alone." "Sorry to the gentleman in the bowler hat." "We don't know whether you're a queer or not, but..." " Hey, you know there's a band on." " Oh, brilliant." "Look, free booze." " Free birds." "Gonna get messy." " Yeah." "Fuck me." "I wonder if I could introduce you to a couple of friends of mine." " This is Bruce and Paul." " Hello." "We call him Snork." " I got a nose..." " Not now." "Nice to meet you." "Where's all the fit birds?" "We was told there'd be fit birds here." "Freddie said you're from our neck of the woods." " Still a dump?" " I still live there, mate." " I don't think you mean it's a dump." " Yes, I do." "You should think about a job with us if you don't want to end up in a factory." "What's wrong with a factory?" "It's a good, honest job." "Nothing wrong with..." "Better to bring home a wage packet with clean hands, though." "You don't want to live in Cemetery Junction all your life." "I think you're remembering it worse than it was, dear." "I remember it exactly as it was." "I appreciate you making the Vigilant your home, son." " Thank you, sir." " Enjoy the night." " What are you doing?" "He's my boss." " He's a prick." " Why are you arguing with him?" " He's a prick." "Yeah, ain't invited no decent birds, the prick." "Never be ashamed of my success, dear." "I'm not ashamed." "I was just worried it sounded like..." "It sounded like you were apologizing for my success." "And if you're embarrassed by the money I've made then maybe on Monday, you'd like to take back that dress and that jewelry." "Yes, it's that time in the evening you've all been waiting for." "We have a couple of fellas in tonight who've just started so welcome to them." "This is their first time at the Winners Ball." "And we always reward them with a little token that says, "Welcome to the Vigilant. "" "Now, you should find in front of you your very own business cards." "Your own name on there." "A big hand, please, for Gordon Dallimar Chris Riggs, Tony Widden and Freddie Taylor." "But this isn't just a celebration of new blood it's a fond farewell to old blood as well." "Jack Bentley." "Come on, Jack, stand up." "This is Jack's..." "Can you believe this?" "This is Jack's 20th invitation to the Winners Ball." "And I'm very sad to say this is the last time we're going to see Jack here." "We are finally putting him out to pasture." "He's retiring 65 years young." "Been working here for 42 years." " Can you believe it?" " Forty-three years." "Yeah, 42, 43 years, yeah." "How old were you when you started, Jack?" " Twenty-three years old." " Twenty-three years old." "You started off door to door, didn't you?" " Yes." " You did that for about 10 years." "And the last 32 years, he's been in the Auditing Department." "So quite a life." "We have a little something to thank you for all your years of service, Jack." "Here it is." "Thank you." "It's a fruit bowl." "Thanks." " Is that crystal?" " Cut glass." "It's cut glass." "What Jack doesn't know is we had a whip-round." "Paula went down to Debenhams specially to get that." "The one we wanted to get was out of stock." "Lucky for you, she had to get you the one that was a lot more expensive." "Have a lie-in now." "Enjoy your retirement with your lovely wife..." "With your wife, and don't be a stranger." "Pop in occasionally so we don't forget." "Okay, enough admin." "Something less depressing now." "I'm very glad to see you all here." "We're all having a wonderful time." "The Bendicks chocolates are a treat." "I think we can say that the caterers did a fantastic job." "We have a wonderful band tonight." "They'll be playing the hits." "They look a bit wild, but don't mind their appearance." " Over to you, boys." " Thanks." "Hi, everyone." "We're Chart Gallery." " How funny was that earlier?" " What?" "When the waiter came round with the soup and the bread." "I said, "Is there any white bread left?" He said, "No, I think we've run out." "That goes first, doesn't it?" I said, "Yeah. "" "He said, "We've got brown. " I said, "I don't like brown, but I'll have some. "" "So I'm eating the brown bread and then he came back and he said:" ""Oh, there is some white bread left after all. "" "And so then I had white and brown." "That wasn't an anecdote, that..." "Look, you gotta work out what's worth telling people and what's not, okay?" "Walk down the street and nothing happens, keep it to yourself." "But if you walk down the street and you see a Tyrannosaurus rex raping a dodo give me a call, do you understand?" " I was just..." " I know." " It sounded funny in my head." " But it wasn't, Snork." "Freddie, what's your game plan, son?" "Where do you see yourself in five years?" "Don't know." "Five years is a long way off." "Just work hard, get married, buy a place, the usual." "What about you, Cliff?" "Where are you seeing yourself in five years?" "I'd quite like to make a sideways move into staff administration." "And we all know what Mike's plan is." "He's got his eye on my office." "Already chosen the wallpaper." " Martin?" " Well, Fire and Accident." " You missed out Julie, sir." " What?" "You didn't ask Julie." "I know where she'll be in five years." "At home, with my grandchildren." "Really?" "Is that what you were thinking?" "I don't know." "Not necessarily." "I've had thoughts about photography, trying to be involved professionally." "Oh, really?" "But it's not set in stone." "We're gonna go where work takes me." "We're focusing on Mike's career at the moment." " Then we're gonna focus on mine." " Are you?" "Bloody hell, Mike, you didn't tell me you were marrying a women's libber." "You gonna burn your bra, love?" "Need a light for my fag." "Hello." "Dougie Boden, assistant agency manager, Life Sales." " With me, my wife." " Sorry, can I stop you there?" "I'm gonna go and talk to the lady over there with the lovely tits." "Bit rude." "If he wants to look at lovely tits, yours are perfectly adequate." "Well, to cut a long story short, it's because I've got a nose for muff." "What's this about working on your career and then on Julie's?" "Yeah, she's got some idea about being a photographer, apparently." "And how would she do that when you have kids?" " She wouldn't be able to, obviously." " Right." "I'm hoping she'll have forgotten about it." "I think it's one of those silly phases that women go through, isn't it?" " She can always do it as a hobby." " Yeah." " She can take pictures of the kids." " Exactly." " Patricia wanted to work, you know." " Did she?" "What did she wanna do?" "Oh, God knows." "She had some bee in her bonnet." "I just wanted to make sure we're thinking along the same lines." "I appreciate the concern, sir, but trust me, I'm on top of it." "Yeah, I know." "I know you are." "I know you are." " Mike, let's dance." "Come on." " No, you know I don't dance." "Well, if Dad dances, will you dance?" " Dad, dance with Mom." " No, I don't dance." " Come on, it'll be fun." " No, I'm not gonna dance." "We're talking here, love." "Why don't you get me a whiskey?" "Whiskey, sir?" "Yeah." "Okay." "So does your gran still cut your hair?" "Hey, don't knock her." "She's cheap because of the Parkinson's." " Two whiskeys, please." " Certainly." "Ever think this town missed out on the swinging '60s?" " Yeah." " What are we gonna do if the world's having another party and we missed it because we're here?" "There's this ancient Arab proverb that says..." ""There's an ancient Arab proverb"?" " My, you've changed." " Listen." "It's sweet." "It says:" ""Throw your heart in front of you and run ahead to catch it. "" " Lovely." "I don't know what it means." " Yeah, you do." ""Throw your heart in front of you. " Whatever your passions are whatever you desire, imagine it's in front of you now and just grab it." "Hurry up, love." "Parched." " What do you think about Hargreaves?" " What about Hargreaves?" "A couple of boys down in the basement have voiced concerns." "They've started giving him a bit of a nickname, Smudge because he's thrown down a few wrongs." "I'll fire someone if they're useless." "He never listens, that's the problem." "Bet you come to a lot of these." "It's all part of the job." " Thank you." " It's okay." "Would you like to dance?" " I don't know if I should." " Come on." "It'd be fun." "Look at this." "Everyone is bored stupid." "I asked him to play some Slade, but I doubt he will." "I could do better than him." "I could do better than him." " Are you absolutely sure?" " Yeah." "Okay." "Five quid if you get up there." "Put your money where your mouth is." "Five quid?" "No, they won't let me sing." "They won't let me sing." " We'll see about that." " What are you doing?" "Hello." "Great set, by the way." " The guys are loving it, really jumping." " Cheers, mate." "I'm with the entertainments committee." "We've got a mentally handicapped kid." "Don't know if you saw him." "Guy over there?" " Oh, yeah." "Yeah, he looks happy." " He's not happy at all, mate." "He's got physical problems as well." "He was born with too many organs." "He's got both sets of genitals." "Penis, vagina, and another little dangly thing, don't know what that is." " Yeah." " Anyway, he's a big fan of music." " Really likes you guys." " Right, yeah." "Quite like to sing a song with you, maybe some Slade." "He was over here earlier." "I thought he was a bit, you know." "Oh, yeah, he's a bit..." "Yeah." " Yeah, I'll see what I can do." " Thank you so much." "He's not gonna go to the toilet up here, is he?" "Just because it's dangerous with electrics." " Thank you." " Thank you." "Thank you." "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special guest here tonight a little chap who's going through a lot." "We wanna make one of his wishes come true." "Please welcome to the stage Snork." " No, it's Paul." " Paul Snork." "No." "Thanks." "There's more if you want it." "I'm an all-round entertainer." " Well, he's certainly round." " Oh, jokes." "I got some jokes." "Why does Noddy wear a hat with a bell on it?" " No!" " Because he's a cunt." "What are you doing?" "Sorry, I got carried away with the clapping and the cheering." " I thought they'd find it funny." " They didn't." "Not our fault they haven't got a sense of humor." "They have." "They like classy stuff like Oscar Wilde and Shakespeare." "Why do you care about what they think?" "Because I work with these people." "My boss is out there." "I don't wanna wind up back in a factory." " Like me?" " Yes, like you." " I don't wanna be back doing that." " You'd rather do this, would you?" "Dead from the neck up like them?" "Trotting along to these funerals to eat free food?" "There's a ladder I can climb." "Five years, I have my own office." "Your own office?" "Didn't know you'd get your own office." "What are you gonna have?" "In 30 years I could be driving home to my big house in my Rolls-Royce." "That's why I care." "I wanna do something with my life." " I'm doing something." "I'm leaving." " What you doing?" " Getting out of here." " You keep going on about leaving." "It's never gonna happen." "You're not going anywhere." " Why not?" " Because you're scared to leave." "I'm not scared." "If you said you were coming, I'd be gone in a second." "Yeah, but I'm not coming with you, am I?" "As long as you stay, you're a big fish in a small pond and can blame everyone for holding you back." "As soon as you leave you'd have to face the fact that you're nobody." "You're nothing special." "You're just like me, just like them, and like your dad." " I'm not like my dad." " You are." " I'm not like my fucking dad, Freddie." " Okay." "You're never gonna be like them." "You're never gonna have a big car or a fancy house." " No?" " No." "And do you know why?" "Because you're a shit salesman and you're not smart enough." "I'm a better salesman." "Snork can sell better than you." "And even if you could sell, Freddie, you're still never gonna be like them." " Why not?" " Because you're not a cunt." "Too loud?" "Yeah." "It's also the second time one of you has used that word." " It's time you went." " What was the first?" "That was the reason Noddy had a bell on his hat." "Of course." "Now you've got an anecdote." " the North Vietnamese had we not had secret negotiations prior to the Soviet summit had we not had secret negotiations over a period of time with the Chinese leaders..." "Snorky." "Oh, dear, someone take a happy tablet." "So why do they call you Snork?" "Because I've got a nose for..." "I bought these glasses, and I thought they made me look like Elton John but they make me look like Snork from The Banana Splits." "He's my favorite." "What's that, a book?" "Why are you reading a book?" "You don't learn nothing from books." "You ever actually read a book, Nan?" "Ever been inside a library?" "I've been in loads of libraries." " When was the last time?" " Last Thursday." "Your dad took me." " She needed to shit." "She did." " Len." "It's not a book." "It's National Geographic." "With birds in the jungle with their tits out." "Put it away, then." "It's disgusting." "I do not want jungle tits at the table." "Look." "Look how tiny England is." "France is only five hours away." "We could leave and by 12 we'd be in Paris." " Why?" " Why go to Paris?" "There's parts of Reading you haven't seen." " Food's awful in France." " Supposed to be the best in the world." " You're joking." " Horses, snails, frogs' legs." " They'd eat anything." " Only thing they won't put in their mouth is a toothbrush." " Stink." "Yeah, famous for it, breathy French pigs." " Well, Africa looks beautiful." " Africa?" "You know it's full of blacks." "That's where black people live." "You say that, but you won't have to go there soon to see one because they're all coming here, boy." "Lazy, nicking our bleeding jobs." " Are they lazy or nicking our jobs?" " Yeah." " You sound like a hippie, Freddie." " Nothing like an intellectual debate." "Sound like one of them BBC queers." "You're not a crafty butcher, are you?" " Crafty butcher?" " Likes meat delivered round the back." " He's not." "Are you?" " No, shut up." "Better not be." "Better not be, not in this house." "It never occurred to you there might be more to life than working eating and watching the telly?" "There's an Arab proverb that says:" ""Throw your heart out and run ahead to catch it. "" "That was before they got all the oil." "No Arabs running around today." "They're not chasing anything." "Getting their butlers to do it." "They're so rich, the Arabs, they just live in tents, right full of food all the time." "They eat food just for the sake of it because they've got so much money." "Hello, Mrs. Waring." "Thanks to customers such as yourself I've finally passed my probation and I've got my own business cards." " Well done." " If you need anything..." "I do need something." "I'm sure you're very busy, but I need to make a claim." " Oh, what's that for?" " My husband." "Yeah?" "What's he been up to?" "Dent the car again?" "He died." "I'm so sorry." "He was moving the aerial, then he slipped and he landed just there." "He was dead instantly." "He broke his neck." "Wish we'd done that holiday now." "When are we leaving?" "Bored?" " How did you get up here?" " Well, I climbed up a vine." "Climbed a vine?" "What are you, Tarzan?" " I came to say goodbye." " Your phone not working?" "I'm leaving." "You inspired me." "You and your ancient Arab proverbs." "What do you mean?" "First thing tomorrow, 9 a.m., we're gone." "That's exciting." "Come out, it's our leaving party." "We're going to the Majestic." "It's the best club in the world." "It's, like, so..." "Majestic?" "You'll never guess who I saw." "Danny Cresser." " No way." " Yeah, outside the pet shop." "It was so weird." "I was, like, just going in, and he was coming out." "And you remember he used to be so quiet in school?" "He was, like, talking and..." " Hi, Bruce." " Hi, darling." " Come with us." " No, there's no way I can go tomorrow." " Why not?" " I've gotta help my dad." " Snork, it's the rest of your life." " No." "Look, what if the world's having another party and we're missing it?" "I don't wanna work 40 years for no money and die and at the funeral, they say:" ""He supported Reading Football Club and liked onions. "" "When's the last time you went to a Reading game?" "Who's gonna say that?" "I'd say you went to the odd game." " Don't you want stories to tell?" " Oh, I've got stories." " He's got one about some bread." " You've got to come." "It's one for all and all for one." " Why we gotta go tomorrow?" " We'll talk ourselves out of it." " You won't miss anything." " Plus, Snork, think of the birds." "You ruin it every time you open your mouth, don't you?" "But foreign birds aren't gonna understand a word." "You can rely on your looks." "Well..." "I'm not going anywhere where we need injections." " Yeah!" " Yeah, Snork." "Yeah." "No, no." "Again, again, again." "Hold on." "No, again, again, again." "What do you reckon?" "Should we do it?" "I don't know." "Oi, mate." "What are you dancing with a monkey for?" "Yeah, good one, mate." "Let's go." "Julie, come on." "Not my usual suite." "You got a toothbrush I can borrow?" "Oh, no, you don't own a toothbrush, do you?" "Thanks for an interesting night." "We should have done this more often." "I shouldn't be in dance halls with a strange man." "We could've left Snork in the car." "Have a good trip." "When are you coming back?" "Don't know." "Well bye, then." " Bye." " We should develop those pictures." " Definitely." " Otherwise..." " I won't get to see them." "We need this to be perfect." " What happens if you crease it?" " You get into big trouble." "Okay, quick, put it in here." "This is called the stop bath." "Why are we whispering?" " Is it so we don't get caught in here?" " No." "No." "Why would you be scared of that?" "We're just two friends developing film together." "Did I tell you I was leaving tomorrow?" " Yeah." " Good." "Good, I just wanted to make sure." "You don't seem too devastated by the news." "What do you want me to say?" "How about, "Can I come?"" "I'm serious." "Come with me." " Freddie." " Why can't you come?" "You know why." " Come on, you don't wanna marry him." " Freddie." "You started all this." "Made me wanna go, told me not to waste my life." " Why waste yours?" " You should go now." "You can see it." "Mike's like your dad." "You're gonna end up like your mom." "She's had the life sucked out of her." "They'll suck the life out of you." "Get out." " Julie..." " Get out." "You can't insult my mother and expect me to run away with you." "I think she's wonderful." "That's my point." "She's like a ghost." "Your father doesn't even say thank you when she gives him tea." " What?" " Haven't you seen it?" "She puts a cup of tea down, he doesn't say thank you." "He doesn't even see her." "When did he stop saying thank you?" "When did he stop noticing her?" "And Mike's just the same." "He's just the same." "You don't wanna spend your life with him." "You haven't seen me in 10 years." "You don't know Mike or my family." "Who the hell do you think you are?" "Okay, you're right." "I'm sorry, you're right." " But you have to come with me." " Why?" "Because I think I might be in love with you." "Oh, for God's sake." "I have to come because you think you might be in love with me?" "Get out." "Hello, Freddie." "Didn't hear you come in." "Hello, Mrs. Kendrick." "No..." "Well, I just needed to talk to Julie about cameras because I'm going away and I'm gonna buy a camera." "Yeah, he just wanted my advice." "Well, it's a bit late to be talking about cameras." "It is." "I'm sorry." " Yeah, you'd better get going." " Yeah." "Goodbye." "Good night, Freddie." "Have a good trip." "Where are you going?" "I'm not sure yet." "We're just gonna make it up as we go along." "Yeah?" "It's me." "Can I come in for a moment?" "I'm tired." "I'm gonna go to bed, Mom." "It's just for a moment." "Is everything okay?" "Everything's fine." "It's a bit late for visitors." "I'm sorry." "Good night." "Night." "What?" "1964." "What about it?" "It was the last time your father said thank you for a cup of tea." "Taxi's arrived." "Can we stop at the chippy on the way home?" "I'm starving." " You all right?" " Yeah, I'm fine." "Great, great." "Fucking hell." "What the fuck?" "Come on." "I'm sick of it." "Life's too short." "Get it out of your system." " What?" "Fuck." " Come on." "You want a fight with your dad, but he can't fight." " Piss off." " You're gonna fight me." "I am sick and tired of you." "So your mom ran off." "You come from a broken home." "So what?" " Your dad should've clobbered you." " He couldn't have." " He's a doormat." " When he was your age he'd have beaten the shit out of you." " Right." "He can't fight, so fight me." " I'm not fighting you." " Fight me." "No." "Because you're not a man." "Me and your dad, we're men." "We fought in the war so you can go to dance halls and grow your hair and piss your life away." "I don't give a shit about that." "If you're gonna fight anybody, fight me." " Fight me, I'm here." " What, are you drunk?" "You listen to me, okay?" "When I became a cop, your old man was in here every other week." "Oh, yes." "He was a right handful." "He was a right pain in the ass." "He was always smacking some bloke." "But he was still twice the man you are." "Then he wouldn't have let his missus run off." " What would he have done, then?" " Smashed his fucking face in." "You don't know anything." "You're a child." "You don't..." "On the night your mom ran off I found your dad in Cobham High Street, 3:00 in the morning with a cricket bat in his hand." " Oh, come on." " Hey." "He told me I better lock him up." "Otherwise he wouldn't be responsible for his actions." "Chickened out at the last minute." "He didn't chicken out, you silly prick." "He did it for you." "If he'd have started, he wouldn't have known when to stop." "He'd have killed him or something, and then what?" "He's in the nick, you're down Social Services." " I'd have been with my mom." " Your mother didn't want you." "For chrissake, that's the truth of it." "Your mother fucked off." "She didn't want you." "So what?" "Your dad did." "That's why he's spent the last 20 years putting up with your crap." "But now I'm putting up with your crap too." "I'm too old for it." "And so are you." "Now, come on, boy, grow up." "Grow up." "You can't go smacking people just because they look at you in the wrong way." "It's antisocial, you know?" "Do you understand me now?" "Bruce?" "Do you understand?" "I'm sorry." " Good luck, boy." " See you later, Dad." "Freddie." "Cheers." "Bye-bye, darling." " You gave him money." " You got to, ain't you?" "Not really." "He earns more than you do." "Fancy a son earning more than his father." " It's pathetic." " Oh, you." "Is it too late for me to go with him?" "Can I talk to you outside for five minutes?" "Okay." "Can I have five minutes outside, Brian?" "Is he gonna do you?" "Hey, you won't need five minutes." "I'll see you in 2." "And that'll give you time for a cigarette." "Okay, so I'm leaving today so it doesn't make any difference, but I wanted to ask you do you like me?" " Yeah." " Really?" "Well, I need to show you something." "If I wasn't leaving, would this freak you out or would you still go out with me?" " What is it?" "Well, it's a naked female vampire looking out of a window." "It's brilliant." " What?" " It's brilliant." "Well, I designed it myself." "That's amazing." " You're so creative." " Wait, there's more." " Oh, so is that you looking up?" " Yeah." " You gonna give her one?" " How'd you know?" " You got a hard-on." " Yeah." " You still had your socks on." " Yeah, I was standing in the street." " Didn't wanna get cold feet, did you?" " Exactly." "What are you doing?" "Where's your stuff?" " Yeah, I..." "I can't come." " Why not?" "Well, traveling around the world sounds good but I might be seeing this bird tonight." "Okay." "Well, that's good." "Don't worry about it." " Well, will I see you again?" " Yeah, course you will." " On Saturday?" " Not Saturday, no." "Well, in the pub Monday?" " No." " When?" "Like what, in a year?" "I don't know." "Maybe." " You okay?" " Yeah." "Well, take care of yourself." "And you, mate." "The Treasury has been talking to banks about the speculation and what they can do to shore up confidence in both the oil and housing sectors." "There you go, dear." "There you go, dear." "What time do we make it?" "Twenty-five past 8." "That's me off, then." " I'll see you in the office, sir." " Yeah, I'll see you later, Mike." "Bye, Mike." "Oh, yeah." "Bye." "It'll be fine." " What'll be fine?" " Whatever you decide to do." "What do you mean?" "I'm marrying Mike." "Oh, good." "That's settled, then." "So what if he doesn't like dancing?" "Your father doesn't like dancing." "I'm sure he'll give you everything you need to be a good wife." " Where are you going?" " Let her go." "I'll explain later." "No, you'll explain to me now, when I ask you a question in my own house." "I said, where are you going?" "And I said, let her go." "Go, dear." "This is an important announcement for Freddie Taylor." "Mr. Freddie Taylor, Mr. Bruce Pearson would like you to know that he's sorry he can't go with you." "But he wishes you all the luck in the world, mate." "And he'd like to remind you that you are a massive bender." "Thank you and good luck." "Why did you decide to come at the last minute?" "Because I think I might be in love with you too." "I mean why did you leave it to the last minute?" "We almost missed the train." "You know, thought I'd make a dramatic entrance." "Don't know why we ran so hard." "There's another one in an hour."