"Nothing from Dobby since Christmas." "I want to call again, but when I leave long messages, I have this nagging sense that I'll end up hearing them played back to me in a court of law." "Don't stress it, man." "We'll have New Year's Dude, Darty style." "Remember that time we were coming back from Cinderella's and Pedge put his pants over the taxi driver's head and he couldn't see a thing?" "That would have been more hilarious had I not been literally weeping with fear." "Come on, man, shake your booty." "Tonight even Paxman's out hoovering up lines of crank off Krishnan Guru-Murthy." "Tonight's the big one." "Jeremy, all rational people agree it's a truth self-evident that it's impossible to have a good time on New Year's Eve." "The pressure's too immense." "All I want is to go to Johnson's, find Dobby and sort everything out." "OK, we'll go to Johnson's as a stomach liner, a seat warmer." "But then I'm taking you on a poonani hunt!" "No, Jez." "No, Jez." "Come on, man." "Dobby's gone." "Zahra's gone." "DOORBELL RINGS" "Tonight it's not about the bitches, it's all about the Hitches." "The Hitches?" "You think we're Peter and Christopher Hitchens on a big night out?" "And I suppose I have to be Peter." "Zahra!" "I was in the area, thought I might pop by." "Yeah?" "'That's the kind of bullshit I come up with." "Is she doing a me?" "'She still likes me!" "Or does she?" "I need evidence, I need confirmation." "'Quick." "OK, here goes.'" "(LAUGHS) Jez!" "Sorry, that was probably totally inappropriate." "It's just sometimes, the scent of a woman..." "OK, the truth is, I came here to tell you that Ben and me, we're finished." "I..." "I found out he slept with someone else." "God." "Who would have sex with Ben?" "!" "Apart from you, obviously." "He said he only did it because he was missing me so much." "But I'd only gone out to see a film." "Jesus!" "Jesus!" "I know." "So I started thinking..." "We really had something, you and me." "We're the same, abit." "Half a tub of cookie dough..." "And two films by Francois Truffaut." "'I will never know what that means.'" "So I was wondering..." "and this is completely crazy, but what would you think about moving in with me?" "OK, wow. 'Don't say yes too quick, don't say yes too quick.'" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Cos I really, really like you, Jez." "And Ben's going to stop paying my rent." "And I think we just click." "And we can do a direct debit, or whatever!" "Sure." "I mean, Ben will definitely fire me, but I'll just get another job." "I could easily start my own music merchandise website." "I'm getting a laptop, so..." "yeah, sorted." "'I'm moving in!" "I'm going to be the boyfriend who pays rent!" "'I'm her rent boy..." "but not sucking cock in a phone box." "'Eating pussy on a tumble dryer!" "'" "Fancy dress." "It's like a joke for people with no sense of humour." "MOBILE PHONE RINGS" "Hello?" ".." "Oh." "Hi, Ben." "So, listen, dude, listen..." "You know how women, when they live together, their periodicals start arriving at the same time, and how dogs come to look like their owners?" "Well, I really wouldn't want that to happen to us, so it actually looks like I'm going to be moving out." "Are you..?" "Has Super Hans been talking about his kibbutz idea again?" "Cos I can assure you the State of Israel will not allow a "kibbutz for hotties"." "No." "Zahra's split up with Ben and she's asked me to move in with her." "Oh." "Right." "Wow." "This is very abrupt." "It might have been nice to not take me to the Spaghetti House and buy me a carbonara, but at least..." "you know." "Dude, man, it's no biggie, you and me." "It was a phase." "Bada bing, bada bye." "Bada bing, bada bye." "Bada bing, bada bye?" "All things pass, you know?" "We're born, we live, we die." "Plus Zahra's getting a 3D TV, so it all makes sense, if you think about it." "Right, good." "Congratulations." "Johnson." "Alan Johnson." "'Wish I'd come as Bond instead of a stupid fisherman from not even a film.'" "Wet suit." "The full Bond." "I'm scuba diving again." "Thank you, direct marketing." "What have you come as?" "Techno hippy street bum?" "I'm not actually wearing a costume, Alan, so the joke's on you." "Yes, I knew that, so the joke's on you." "Well, I didn't realise you knew that, so it can't have been a very good joke." "Happy New Year." "So, listen." "Really weird one - apparently a guy from Time Out magazine turned up at Ben's party, and Ben says he wants to talk to me about publishing a booklet on my blog posts." "Your alphabetical lists of French films?" "He thinks they're seminal." "He thinks they're seminal." "Mm-hm." "Don't you think there's a chance that Ben might be trying to...reel you in?" "I'm not saying you're a fish." "Don't you think they're good lists?" "Oh, no, they're great lists." "They're..." "long lists." "Maybe they do want to publish them." "Exactly." "It's too big to miss." "See you later...housemate!" "'Ugh." "Day one and the housemate gets dicked over.'" "So...pretty good numbers." "Nailed a lot of the key players." "Liam Kendrick in the house!" "Liam Kendrick in the house!" "Hey!" "So are you still pissed off with Big Suze?" "What?" "Fuck you." "Why would I even be?" "What a stupid thing to say, Mark." "Sorry." "If poor little bitch girl wants to have a spoiler party all over my housewarming, why would I even give a shit?" "Huh?" "Why?" "I don't know." "Me neither." "So, let's grab you a cool can of Kronie and a bag of nuts." "Or an ice cold, long-necked Bud." "Hubba-bubba!" "Alan, are you still...?" "Oh, yeah." "Appletise." "Five years - clean and serene." "Just cos you're looking at some titties doesn't mean you have to suck on the nip-nips, right?" "Thanks, Alan." "I'll get stuck into that later." "Oh, come on, Mark!" "A Beck's, a simple Beck's." "Up on the South Downs, a haversack full of Beck's?" "That's the dream, ain't it?" "I want to keep a clear head for when I talk to Dobby." "Do you think she might be here soon?" "I don't know, Mark." "We've been over this." "She might pop in." "Mmm." "Cold white wine." "Ain't that fine?" "'Hmm." "He's conned me to his party." "'Cos it's hard to take a legal position on "might pop in"." "'Anyone might pop in" " Jeffrey Archer, Hugo Chavez, Skinner and Baddiel.'" "Aye-aye, Captain Birdseye!" "(LAUGHS)" "What have you caught?" "Some mackerel?" "Sexual herpes from bumming a tramp?" "'Your insults are absorbed by the theoretical levity of the costume.'" "So come on, then." "Is it true, Mark, that you've had your dick in the Dob?" "You might say that, but I couldn't possibly comment." "What?" "Have you, Mark, had your dick in the Dob?" "OK, yes." "Yes, yes, I've had my dick in the Dob." "So what's an average night in?" "You sit around reading Superman comics, sucking each other's cocks?" "'Just grin and take it.'" "I guess." "She's a freak, isn't she?" "But what kind of freak?" "Is she a manimal or a bestselling Flanimal, would you say?" "'Does he want an answer?" "'" "I guess she's more of a..." "manimal than a..." "Flanimal." "D'you hear that, Dobs?" "I'm a manimal?" "!" "I don't even know what a manimal is." "He's a shape-shifting crimefighter, Mark." "You've had your dick in the Dob?" "Fucking hell!" "Dobby!" "Wait!" "Where are you going?" "I dunno, maybe Super Hans's?" "Somewhere where people won't slag me off behind my back." "It was just party chat." "I was only being horrible about you to ease things along." "You're such a dick." "Look, I owe you a massive apology for just now, and..." "'Is that my baby?" "'" "..and for Christmas, and..." "Mark, are you getting bored of your own apology?" "I'm sorry...and..." "'It bloody is my baby." "Is it?" "'" "And what?" "And what?" "Sorry, it's just that I recognise..." "See you around, dickwad." "No, Dobs, I..." "'My baby." "Is...is that mad?" "'Has he followed me here in a desperate plea for attention?" "'Or am I man-handling a random humanoid?" "'" "Mark, is he all right?" "He fell out of his basket." "I rescued him." "From the soft carpet where he was asleep?" "What if someone with clogs on had come in out of their face and marched around the room like a horse, or, you know, anything?" "He was sleeping, Mark." "I had to go upstairs and talk to my brother." "He's actually having a really hard time." "He even posted some pictures of his scrotum on Facebook, so..." "I'm just saying that the situation looks perilous." "Uh-huh." "'Great." "Dobby's gone and I'm left with my ex, who despises me, and my son, 'who probably thinks Jeff's his dad while I'm just some mad, landlocked fisherman." "There ain't no party like a Super Hans party!" "'Only if Dobby's here.'" "Let the poonani hunt commence!" "The hunt for poonani?" "I thought you were moving in with Zahra." "Exactly." "I've made a firm commitment." "We're practically getting married, so this is basically my stag do." "Free pass!" "MUSIC BLARES" "If Dobby's here, I need to make it up with a gesture, something extraordinary." "I could offer to marry her." "Always the marrying with you, isn't it?" "Super Hans!" "Jez, man." "Wow, it is rocking out." "..You, OK, dude?" "Yeah, yeah." "It's just...i n there." "Fuck, man." "Tasty?" "Why would people want to do that shit?" "Why even go there?" "You told me it was going to be a chilled one, Jeremy." "You assured me that he'd made a huge lemon meringue pie." "I don't know what to think." "I have seen through the eye of the needle." "I've seen it." "I've finally bloody seen it!" "I've pulled open the hurt locker and had a big old rummage round." "Let's go in." "Didn't you hear what he just said?" "It sounds fun." "No, it doesn't." "It sounds terrifying." "Whatever." "Let's get in there!" "It's the heart of darkness, Jez." "It's the fucking dirt." "I don't want to go into the heart of darkness." "Come on, dude!" "Sometimes you've gotta flip the switch, lift the rock and look what's underneath, cos it's not always woodlice." "Look, if that party is too much for Hans, the..." "Excuse me, Hans." "..the crack-addled maniac, I'm pretty confident it'll be too much for me." "Hans, is Dobby in there, do you know?" "She swung by, but she couldn't hack the hate." "I think she pissed off to Big Suze's." "Bloody hell." "I'm going to write this place off, send someone in there tomorrow with some disinfectant and a flamethrower." "I've got my sleeping bag, I don't want to know." "How was it?" "Fine." "Let's go." "What?" "Look, I don't want to talk about it." "I just want a cup of tea and some soda bread and a sit-down somewhere quiet." "What's going on in there?" "Are they...doing it?" "Yes, Mark, that's right." "They're "doing it"." "You really have no imagination whatsoever, do you?" "Well, what are they doing, then?" "Dude, don't worry about them, because they sure as hell aren't worrying about you." "Let's just go." "Hans?" "Yep!" "Fuck, yeah." "Let's go." "Big Suze's?" "I don't mind where, long as it's safe." "I just want to be in a controlled environment." "Have a coke and a tuna sandwich, just mong out to some Snow Patrol." "'Great." "Super Hans in the sidecar.'" "Who's the chick?" "That's no a chick, man, that's the love of my life." "Wow." "What does she...?" "I don't know much about her." "She don't speak English." "We speak the language of love." "And a tiny little bit of German." "Right." "I tell you, man, she is the one." "I'd take a bullet for her." "I'd take a bullet up the 'arris for her." "That's nice." "I'd take a fucking truncheon up the 'arris for this one." "Or an umbrella." "I would open an umbrella up inside my 'arris for this one." "Hans, we get the message." "Probably no need to list all the things you'd put up bottom for your girlfriend." "'Can't believe he's actually moving out." "'I'm going to be an unemployed single mother stuck in the flat 'eating Frosties from a salad bowl until I die from loneliness, 'and two weeks later they break down the door 'to find Ian sucking on my cold, dead teats.'" "Hey, Mark." "I think Super Hans's girlfriend fancies me." "Why?" "Because you've got your poonani jeans on?" "In the fried chicken place, she bit off half a chicken drummer and then gave the rest to me." "Right." "So?" "The symbolism?" "The drummer's my dick." "Look, just because for some reason you associate a chicken drumstick with your penis, doesn't mean that anyone was flirting with you." "She definitely was." "She gave you some food!" "When you sneak chunks of my Cathedral City cheddar, is that you taking slices off my dick?" "So, listen." "I'm going to ask Dobby to move in with me." "I'm sorry?" "I've been thinking and I need to make the gesture and... you know, maybe this is the kick up the arse we both need." "I could turn your room into an office." "Finally nail Business Secrets Of The Pharaohs." "Right." "OK, man." "Yeah." "Good on you." "Because, obviously, we've always been amazing mates, but, also, a bit like lead weights dragging each other down?" "Exactly." "Living together, it's been like... eating a vast portion of chips - very comforting, but also there's this lurking sense you're killing yourself, right?" "Too right." "We're moving on!" "Eh!" "Eh!" "Eh." "Eh." "'Yeah, Dobby can watch the History Channel with him 'and pretend to know the difference between all the old-time black-and-white dudes." "'Good luck, Zahra." "I hope you know how to add salt 'to your dishwasher, because Jeremy will never, ever, ever be helping you.'" "What should I do if Dobby says no about moving in?" "Don't take no for an answer, dude." "You want the knack, Mark, with women?" "Well...yes, I suppose I do." "Want the knack, get smack." "Smack?" "Get smacked out of it, then you'll get the ladies." "Really?" "Really?" "Maybe." "Right?" "I'm not sure I..." "Yeah, I just love smack." "I'm probably not the right man to ask." "Anyway, I'm out the game now." "When I first set eyes on this one, it was like my first joint, like my first Bowie track, like my first Ruth Rendell." "I just knew." "We both did, didn't we, sweetheart?" "Yeah." "TYRES SCREECH" "Yeah, she fancies me, I knew it." "'Huh!" "He thinks he's Romeo." "He's not, he's an armrest.'" "I told you." "Yoko's hot for me." "That was a balancing hand, not an erotic hand." "I've pulled the balancing hand a million times." "She could have put that hand anywhere and yet it ends up inches from my Dirty Harry." "Coincidence?" "Yes. 'If we're going to name his cock after a Clint Eastwood film, 'it's The Unforgiven.'" "I do feel a bit weird about this." "Big Suze has invited everyone except us." "You know why - it's cos I sent her those...objects." "It's fine, Jeremy." "Everyone sends an ex the odd...object." "It's a natural part of breaking up." "Mark." "Jeremy." "Super Hans." "And...a woman." "You're all here." "Gosh." "Have you come straight from the harbour?" "It's fancy dress." "How fancy." "And Jeremy, do you want to pick up any of the Plasticine models you sent of you and I doing such-and-such?" "Yeah, sorry about that, Suze, I was feeling very..." "Look, if you like, we can all just..." "No, no." "You must come in for a bit." "Oh, and look, you've brought us some... almost champagne." "I'll tell you what, I'll put it there, and if, for any reason, we don't get around to drinking it tonight, you can take it back with you!" "Yes?" "Right, Suze, I need a smoke-out." "Want to watch me roll up a four-skin?" "I'll tell you where you might like it, Hans - out in the garden." "Suze, do you know, is Dobby here?" "Hmm, not sure." "There are an awful lot of what I'm sure you won't mind me calling "your types" here!" "But listen, since you've been so wonderfully clever and made it here without an invitation card or anything, would you mind being total stars and helping out?" "Is that all right?" "So...that's for you." "And...yes?" "Listen, once you've done a couple of rounds, please feel free to sit down and have a very quick drink." "OK?" "Thanks." "'OK, Dobby." "I'm going to find you and I'm going to feed you." "'I was never any good as Suze's boyfriend." "'I should have been her butler all along.'" "Are you the turds in the punch bowl?" "I'm sorry?" "I'm sorry?" "I heard a couple of wetbacks had snuck in?" "Yeah, that's probably us." "'Hello." "She's looking at me." "Maybe I should..." "'Why not?" "Zahra hasn't phoned, texted or e-mailed for two hours." "'She's basically instructing me to have sex with a random woman." "'Where's Dobby?" "You aren't Dobby." "'You aren't Dobby." "Even you aren't Dobby.'" "Thought I'd bagged the trainspotter in the red coat with the nice norks." "'Dobby?" "!" "'" "She called me a trouserhead and fucked off to some amazing party." "'Hello." "A lead.'" "What, the Crofton Road do?" "A few of Alan's hangers-on have gone to that." "Good riddance." "'Of course." "Gerard's party." "'I've tracked her down, like Bin Laden in his cave." "'Now I can move in for the grisly kill!" "'OK, let's crank up the flirt-athon, 'using a language I think she'll understand." "'Yoko oh-no?" "Or Yoko oh-yes?" "!" "'Mm-hm." "OK." "Let's see if I can move it up a level." "'My hands are speaking sexy Esperanto.'" "PHONE RINGING" "'Hold on." "Zahra?" "!" "'Oh, shit, it's the love of my life.'" "Hey, Zahra." "DOORBELL RINGS" "Mark, could you get that?" "'Fuck you.' Of course!" "Great." "Thanks." "'Sure, I'll get it." "But the serfs are revolting." "I'm storming out 'of the Winter Palace like the looniest Bolshevik in Petrograd!" "'" "Mark?" "'Oh, shit.'" "Of course." ""Went to get some more booze."" "We got waylaid, Alan." "We thought we saw a badger and..." "It's OK, Mark." "It's fine." "I admit defeat." "Suze wins, Ok?" "What?" "Isn't it like kryptonite?" "Won't it kill you?" "I'm not going to drink it, Mark." "I'll just take a sniff, for old times' sake." "More fool you, asshole!" "ALAN:" "Suze." "OK." "Let's roll." "I just spoke to Zahra." "Ben tried it on with her." "We're gonna pick her up, I need to take her somewhere cool." "I think I have just the place." "Right, let's do one." "Some bloke just asked Yoko for her number and I pushed a fucking crayfish up his snoz." "Hmm." "Is there any more tartare sauce?" "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm afraid I leftit all in George Osborne's ball-sack." "Tell you what, why don't you nip upstairs, wank him off and dip it in that?" "Let's go before we get fired." "So, Ben took me to this cloakroom to wait for the Time Out guy." "And we waited for ages, and then Ben..." "tries it on with me!" "Oh, the shit!" "I'm so pissed off, cos now the Time Out guy's gonna arrive in the cloakroom and I'm not gonna be there." "'Would've been a fucking long wait.'" "This is it?" "We heard a rumour that The Monkees might be playing, isn't that right, Jeremy?" "Gorillaz, Mark." "Gorillaz." "Not The Monkees." "Jesus!" "Ticket?" "Five tickets, please." "Hello." "Gerard." "I'm afraid tickets are only available in advance." "For fuck's sake, Gandalf, it's not exactly the Viper Room." "This is a private party for live-action role-players and affiliates of the International Fantasy Gaming Society." "Come on, Gerard, it's me!" "I wish I could help, but I can't." "It's fine by me." "'It's fine by him.'" "My hands are tied." "Close the gate, Raymond." "'The sickly prince has locked Dobby in his castle 'and the gate's guarded by his troll.'" "How far down does this go, do you think?" "Can't be very far." "She's here!" "(SHOUTS) Dobby!" "No!" "Not the Hootenanny." "Never the Hootenanny." "We're better than that." "We are going to this party!" "Come on, Mark." "Scrabble." "Help me scrabble." "It's not long till the bongs!" "These are surprisingly effective sort of spade-scrapers, aren't they?" "I know!" "Hey, Zahra, try and find some tarpaulin or some rags to wrap yourself up in for when you want to scramble under." "Do you really think Martin Amis is going to be here, Jez?" "He might pop in, that's what I heard." "He might pop in." "'Shit." "She's finger-blabbing." "Her hands are singing like a canary.'" "Mark?" "What the hell are you doing?" "Er, just... just tunnelling in." "Have you been following me?" "Tracking and digging." "Like a faithful hound!" "'I'm burying my dignity in this small hole.'" "Do you want a hand?" "'Oh, my God, she's smiling!" "'She's giving me a hand." "She's not shooting me with a sniper rifle, 'she's helping me tunnel to freedom and start a new life in the West!" "'" "Stop!" "Cease and desist!" "You stay where you belong." "Oh, don't be a dick!" "Gerard, let him in." "Hey!" "Oi, Jez, what the fuck?" "Yoko says you were giving it all that at Big Suze's." "What, Jeremy?" "Were you?" "God, no." "It wasn't sex, you know, it was just sexy hand signals." "Why were you giving her sexy hand signals?" "I..." "It was all a misunderstanding." "I was in the kitchen, and I might have done a... like that, for "OK", and then there were lots of little sausages around, so maybe I put the sausage in the "OK" to ask," ""Would you like to put a sausage in your mouth?"" "You mean, see if she wanted to put a sausage in her mouth, then take it out, then put it back in again!" "Yeah." "You know how I feel about her." "You're gonna fucking pay for this!" "Look, it's not my fault she doesn't speak English." "This kind of thing probably happens the whole time at the UN!" "See you later, Jeremy." "But what about the bongs?" "What about the love nest?" "We're still OK for the love nest, yeah?" "It's not gonna happen." "It's a no." "'Oh, fuck, she's gone." "'My true love." "My housing association!" "'" "Look..." "Dobby, I know tonight I've been a real... dick-splash. '"Dick-splash?" "!"" "'It's not 1989." "' But I've had this mad idea and..." "I don't know, but I just wondered whether we might have a real... mad one..." "'You, me and Noel Gallagher.' ...if you..." "God, I feel stupid even saying this, but... moved in with me?" "What, you want to put your manimal in my Flanimal?" "Yes, I do." "On a long-term basis." "'Here we go." "She's gonna rip out my heart like in Temple Of Doom.'" "Fuck it." "All right!" "'She said yes!" "I'm moving in with Dobby." "'I'm king of the world!" "'Must get some new towels.'" "JEREMY:'Standing in front of 1,000 glory holes and no-one but Raymond 'to suck me off.'" "Jez...really not even that great in here, man." "Are you all right?" "Where's Zahra?" "Oh, she's gone." "Yeah." "I'm not gonna be moving in with her." "Oh, wow." "No?" "No." "Did Dobby say yes?" "Yeah." "Yeah, Dobby said yes." "Right." "Look, I'm sure we can..." "sort something out, make you a bit of a...n est on the floor?" "Uh-huh." "Yeah, I could sleep under your desk." "You could put your feet on me while you write your book." "Could be fun, yeah, the three of us?" "Yeah." "Right." "'God, I'll never be shot of him.'" "JEREMY:'He doesn't want me." "He wants to move on.'" "Although, actually, you know what... it's cool, cos there's somewhere else I could stay." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I'm gonna move in with..." "Super Hans." "Yeah, I should've said." "He asked me to move in with him, so everything's cool." "Yeah, we're gonna have a mental blast, you know." "And he's got that spare sleeping bag." "Yeah?" "Hans's second bag?" "OK, well, if you're sure..." "I think it's time." "If you insist." "PARTYGOERS:" "Ten, nine, eight..." "Look, I..." "I'd better..." "Yeah." "Yeah. .." "five, four, three, two, one." "Happy New Year!" "CHEERING" "Is he gonna be OK?" "He's gonna be fine." "He's moving into Super Hans's party pad." "They're gonna have the time of their lives." "WHACK" "OK." "Why did he hit him?" "I think that's just a thing they do... to see in the new year." "Ow!" "Ow!" "Adriano_CSI"