"NARRATOR:" "Previously on Nip/Tuck:" "You're one of the most respected psychologists in the country." "It's just a good thing I didn't sacrifice my career so my daughter could have one." "It's Kimber." "I'm in love with her." "What?" "You're seeing Kimber?" "KIMBER:" "It's cute, huh?" " I got shot." " You got shot?" "How?" "MATT:" "I was desperate." "I started robbing convenience stores." "JULIA:" "I'm taking the kids to a hotel." "SEAN:" "You can't just take them away from me." "JULIA:" "One day you'll see that this is for the best." "ERICA:" "Tell me what you don't like about yourself." "Erica, don't psychoanalyze me, just get me out of here." "I'm required to submit an evaluation." "There must be an awful lot you don't like about yourself for you to attempt suicide." "I wasn't attempting suicide." "I just..." "I swam out too far." "Naked." "In the middle of the night." "A mile and a half from the shore." "Clinging to a buoy." "That's a hell of a miscalculation." "I went for a night swim." "It was cold, beautiful." "Just me and the water." "Like I was one with the ocean." "Like I was inside it and it was inside me." "If my son were in jail, my ex-wife were a lesbian my daughter dined on hair and my newly married, just-murdered wife turned out to be Lucrezia Borgia I'd take the plunge myself." "I'd be crazy not to." "Sean, don't bullshit a bullshitter." "I can't get you out of the psych ward if you don't level with me." "The idea that someone like Teddy could be in love with me was so overwhelming." "I was blind to who she really was." "And I..." "I wound up putting my kids at risk." "It's hard to forgive yourself for something like that." "Go on." "I was gonna swim until my arms fell off." "And then, about a mile out I had a change of heart." "Something inside of me opened up and I thought about how much I love my family." "So I fought." "I fought to stay alive." "Thank you, Sean." " So did you drive?" " Yes." "Oh, good." "So you can give me a ride back to Malibu." "Oh, no, Sean, I can't." "Policy is very clear." "You attempted to commit suicide within the last 48 hours." "I can't authorize your release." "It would be professionally irresponsible." "Take care." "Hey, bud." "You got a sec?" "I wanna get your opinion on something." "Hey, I'm really sorry to hear about Sean." " You think you know someone and then..." " What do you want, Mike?" "What do you think, huh?" "Is it big enough?" "Five carats." "Cost a quarter of a mil." "Heh." "Yeah, she's gonna go crazy for it." "Don't you think it's soon to be asking Kimber to marry?" "Hmm?" "You've been dating for what, three months?" "Well, when you know, you know." "Kimber and I are soul mates." "[CHUCKLES]" "You think this is some kind of competition." "Not really." "She's mine." "Why don't you get the hell out of here, drop your key off at reception." "I'm popping your surgery pod like a whitehead." "No problem." "You know what, Christian?" "You're an asshole." "But I really do hope Sean gets better soon." "[DOOR SLAMS]" "I'll tell you what's crazy, Julia calling her mother and thinking that bitch would ever help me." "Hey, just relax, all right?" "It's over." "You're out." " What did you tell them?" " I tried to discourage you from training at night without an escort boat but nothing could stop you from pursuing your dream of one day swimming the English Channel." "They believed I was a competitive swimmer?" "They thought you were delusional." "But they can't keep you for longer than 24 hours." "SEAN:" "Why are we stopping here?" "CHRISTIAN:" "While you were in the can with the other nutcases Mike proposed to Kimber." "So I have a hankering for a cold scotch and a hot snatch." " She say yes?" " Who gives a shit?" "Just have a drink with me." "You just got out of the snake pit, don't tell me you don't need one." "You know what?" "Some other time." "I have things I need to talk over with Julia." "Just how far were you planning on swimming?" "I changed my mind." "That's all that matters, right?" "I suddenly thought:" ""What if there are other possibilities?"" "We consult each other on everything." "Right?" "What you did was stupid and selfish." "You ever do it again, I'll kill you." " I'll see you tomorrow." " All right." "[CLEARS THRO AT]" " Could I get another drink, please?" " Sure." "I just need your cell phone and car keys." "I'm an expert at reading people and you're about five minutes from calling her or just driving over." "And either way, someone's gonna get hurt." "If you're trying to make me feel better, it's not working." "I thought that was the vodka's job, not mine." " So you're a real bitch, huh?" " Yep." "And you strike me as the kind of guy who attracts that sort of thing." " What's your name, handsome?" " My name is Christian." "Christian." "I'm Alexis." "I tell you what, this one's on the house." "If you promise not to do anything stupid." "And in return you have to give me all the gritty details." "Or if you'd rather wallow in self-pity, I'll put that on your tab." "Her name is Kimber." "We've known each other for a very long time, what seems like a lifetime." "It started off as a one-night stand and just never stopped." " The sex was that good, huh?" " It was unbelievable." "And I didn't ever like her." "But you love her, and that's what's killing you." "I'm sorry." "I know what that's like." "But as I always say:" ""The best way of getting over someone, is to get on top of someone else."" "[MO ANING]" " What the hell is wrong with you?" " What I do?" "You taste like honey." "That body's like David." "How could anyone let you go?" " I'm a plastic surgeon." " Oh, my God." " Now you're really blowing my mind." " Oh!" "It's time to return the favor." "I've got a better idea." "[MO ANING]" "I've never had someone ask for that on the first date." "You have to go." "What?" "Do I have to spell it out?" "I want you to leave." "You had your fun." "I don't wanna spoon." "Goodbye." "This beats the hell out of the meat loaf I had last night." "I still don't know what they put in it." "Thank you, Sean." "It's good to know that my cooking is better than the mental institution's." " I was just trying to break the ice." " Don't." "I like the ice." "I wanna keep it frozen right where it is." "Hey, beautiful." "JULIA:" "Sweetie, Daddy and I have some things we wanna discuss with Grandma." "Can you give us some privacy?" "See you, sweetheart." "ERICA:" "So, Sean, how are you feeling?" "How long would you have kept me in that place?" "Let's not go there." "No, I want to answer his question." "I think you should still be under psychiatric supervision." "[SCOFFS]" "Does it make you feel powerful, Erica, to have control over me?" "God knows you manipulated your daughter her whole life." "Julia." "Your decision to placate this unstable man and endanger the children is, quite frankly, baffling." "Well, this unstable man happens to be their father." "A father who's willing to leave his children fatherless?" "He's a father only in the biological sense." "I'm petitioning for custody of the children." "You'd really do that?" " You'd take my children from me?" " You vengeful bitch." "I'd like to see you try." "Now, don't pay attention to her." "She's just doing what she enjoys most causing you pain." " You know what?" "I'll take the kids back to New York." "Sean can have supervised visits." "Why are you letting her intimidate you?" "Because she's one of the best child advocates in the country, Sean." "If Erica Noughton says a home is unsuitable..." "Oh, my God, how could you have been so stupid?" "Well, in all fairness, Julia, you haven't exactly been June Cleaver." "Come on, Julia." "She's never gonna get the kids." "I mean, look at her." "Don't let appearances deceive you." "Like they say, you're as young as you feel." "And I have been feeling remarkably youthful these days." "[BUZZER SOUNDS]" "Whatever happens to you in this place, you mustn't be ashamed." "It's just the way things are." "Really?" "So you know the way things are in here?" "I know that you have neither the muscle mass nor the gang affiliations to be a predator and it's not in your nature to be a ninny queen." "If you don't wanna be passed around like a box of chocolates you had better find a protector." "You want me to become somebody's bitch?" "Cleaning a man's cell, doing his laundry." " It's a small price to pay for your life." " You're wrong." "One is all it takes." "After you get turned out, you lose your status and you can never get that back." " Status?" "Among savages?" "It's survival of the fittest." "If you don't adapt, you won't make it." "How's Mom and Dad?" " They haven't come here to see you?" " No, Dad came once." "He was having a really hard time." "And Mom I don't want her to see me this way." "She tried to come." "I wouldn't see her." "So, once again, it's about their feelings." "Matt, your parents are totally self-absorbed." "They should be here supporting you." "You're the one in hell." "You're not the one who let them down, it's the other way around." "Don't you see that?" "I suppose they could've been there more, sure." "They were too busy acting out on each other to instill a sense of self in you." "And they're doing the same thing to Conor and Annie." "If you wanna be a real man, stand up for your brother and sister, protect them." " How am I supposed to do that?" " You can help me get custody." "You know better than anyone what it will cost them if they stay with their mother and Sean." "No offense, but aren't you a little old to be a mom?" "[LAUGHS]" "It wasn't part of my retirement plan." "But I can't sit out and watch them sink deeper into dysfunction." "Will you be my witness, Matt?" "Hey." "What do you think about these?" "Why not have fresh flowers delivered, huh?" "They brighten everything up, don't they?" "Mm." "What the hell?" "Phew." "It's expired." "What?" "Right." "That's all it is." "Sour yoghurt." "You wanna talk about it?" "[SIGHS]" "I mean, look, if we're gonna work together then I think that we should be able to talk to each other like we used to." "Talk to me." "I'm afraid it might hurt your feelings." "I don't wanna do that." "You're not gonna hurt my feelings." "As a matter of fact, I think it might make us feel you know, like..." "Like we're getting back to normal." "[CHUCKLES]" "[SIGHS]" "I met this woman yesterday." "Gorgeous." "I mean, hot body, hot ass." "Went back to her place and nailed her like a I mean, incredible sex." "I mean, raw, nasty, mean-but-in-a-good-way sex, you know?" "Then she asked me to take her in the back door, which was great." "Anyway, we finished and she kicked me out." "So, what's that about?" "You know what?" "You should have trusted your first instinct." "Next time, don't tell me." "CHRISTIAN:" "Hey, how is everything going with Erica?" "Well, I just got a letter from her lawyer." " She's started custody proceedings." " The whole thing is ridiculous." "No way she'll get custody of those kids." "Julia's gonna stay out here so we can fight this." "We got an attorney." "I have to spend as much time with my kids as I can until this gets resolved." "Can you get Mike to cover for me?" "That'll be a problem." "I just fired him." " I just saw him in the exam room." " Yeah, he's cleaning his stuff out." "We're just getting back on our feet here." "Without his help, we're screwed." "You need to get him to stay." "We need as much support as we can get if I'm gonna be able to keep my kids." "[CLEARS THRO AT]" " Just leave everything." " It's my stuff." " I told you I was taking what I brought." " You don't have to." "Leave, that is." "I went through the contract we signed when you first came onboard and since there's some surgeries on the books, I'm holding you accountable." " You're trying to get me to stay now?" " No, I'd rather you go but, you know, it's a legal issue." " So sue me." " Look, I'm so..." " You look." "I'm happy to go." "Now that I've built my client list my fiancée and I are looking forward to starting my new practice." " "Your fiancée"?" " Yeah." "That's right." "Kimber accepted." "Wept tears of joy." "Happiest day of her life." "Now that it's official, they're only gonna get better." "Alexis." "What a surprise." "What do you think she's afraid of?" "Hmm." "Well, I think we're all afraid of something." "That's what I like about it." "If you stick around for an hour we can go for a drink." "I have to be at work in an hour." "And truthfully, I'm here for professional reasons not personal." "[CHUCKLES]" "This about your breasts?" "Because I didn't wanna say anything but you could definitely go a cup bigger." "I want you to give me a sex-change operation." "I wanna be a man." "[CHUCKLES]" "I was that bad, huh?" "I'm a little confused." "I thought we had a good time." "We did." "There's no reason why we can't again." "I'll still have the same lips, the same hot ass." "Let's get this clear:" "I am not into men." "I'm into women, beautiful women, like you." "Actually, I was born a man." "I had sexual reassignment surgery when I was 23." "As a boy, I was always so pretty." "My hand gestures were feminine and it always seemed like I was so much more of a girl than a guy." "In high school I wasn't attracted to girls, I just wanted to hang out with them." "I had crushes on all the same guys they did." "And finally it was clear, I was a girl living in a male body." "So why the change of heart?" " Forget to take your hormones?" " I still love men." "I still love glamour and I'd rather hang out with women but I've come to the understanding that I'm not a woman I'm a gay man." "So you tricked me." "You lied to me and pretended that you were a woman." "I am a woman." "I prefer to be a man." "Haven't you ever had a change of heart?" "It's not the same as changing one's mind." "Sometimes we don't have a choice about what we feel." "That's the biggest line of bullshit I've ever heard." "Think about what you're saying." "Asking the guy who..." "A straight man who you just asked to..." "[CHUCKLES]" "To give you a sex change." "So in your mind, if I become Alex, you become a fag?" "But if I stay Alexis, you're just some straight guy that got duped?" "No, in my mind, if you were Alex you'd have a bloody nose right now." "Can you please just leave my office?" "I asked you to leave." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Oh, well, this is a surprise." " Can we come in?" " That depends." "Are you unarmed?" "This is just a rental while I look around for something with a yard." "Please, Mother, you've made your point." "[SIGHS]" "So, Sean and I have been so wrapped up in our own divorce drama that we failed to see the effect it was having on the kids." "Anyway, I have decided to move to L.A." "So that they can have the benefit of both parents living in the same city." "And we found a really great therapist for Annie." " She's agreed to go twice a week." " Annie's going to therapy?" "Yes." "So you can drop all this bullshit about custody." "Annie is not the one who tried to kill herself." "Annie's not the one who wanders from one confused relationship to another changing her self image as frequently as she changes her panties." "It's you two who need counseling." "If you can't see that, you're more out of touch with reality than I thought." "Reality?" "Mother, you're in your 60s." "I mean, what if something happened?" " You had a stroke..." " Or die." "[THUD]" "[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]" " Renaldo will be down in a moment." "SEAN:" "Who?" "ERICA:" "Renaldo Panettiere." "[ERICA SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]" "Sean and Julia McNamara." "[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]" "But not as beautiful as your mama." "[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]" "Mother, who is this man?" "Renaldo is my husband." "Julia, he'll be such a wonderful father." "He always wanted children." "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" " Hey." "KIMBER:" "Hey." "Look at you, huh?" "Come on." "We're gonna have so much fun together, you and me." "Yes." "[CRYING]" "There we go." "There's your monkey." " Bye-bye." "CHRISTIAN:" "Thank you, Maria." "Bye." "Okay, there are two changes of clothes in here for her." " Okay." " Please don't forget her strawberry allergy." "No, no, no." "The nanny knows all about it." "Just enjoy your evening out with Mr. Joe Six-Pack." " You mean fiancé?" " What?" "Wow, I didn't know that Target was selling engagement rings." " That's cool." " Thanks." "I'm sorry, I just..." "I'm in a bit of a funk." "I'm happy for you." "You in a funk?" "Why?" "Desperate encounters with people who turn out to be freaks, it's just..." "It's not working for me anymore." "Are we talking about the trannie?" "[CHUCKLES]" "He-she ran into Mike in the hallway after your unfortunate encounter so Mike agreed to do the surgery for her." "Fine." "Let him." "That he-bitch is lucky that I didn't rip her..." "His face off." "Christian, you of all people should have a little more compassion." "Anytime anything good happens to you whether it's a good woman or an opportunity to do good you always just turn it around and you make it about you." "Why don't you try to get over that petty male ego of yours and do something good because it's good for someone else?" "What about if I give you a ring?" " What?" " Better than the one before, you know?" "But with the same kind of sentiment and emotion." "[VOICE BREAKING] Christian, ahem you don't give a shit about me, honey." "You just hate seeing another man with me." "Oh, no." "That's not true." "And I can't see you with that bimboy, but..." "Well, I like my ring and it came from Mike's heart which is really good and it's true and it's kind." "And I don't think you really have one." "It's kind of buried in there." "But I do have one." "And it belongs to you." "Always has." "[KIMBER SIGHS]" "Ahem." "Make sure you put Jenna in the purple and white Dolce and feed her protein, not sugar, for her breakfast, okay?" "[DOOR CLOSES]" "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "[ERICA SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]" "I wasn't expecting you." "Mother, could you close your robe, please?" "For heaven sake, you're a lesbian, aren't you?" "You must be used to the sight of a naked woman." "Now, what did you come here uninvited and without a phone call to say?" "[SIGHS]" "It's been a long time since I've seen you." "Without your clothes, I mean." "You've really aged." "Nevertheless, Renaldo and I are fornicating like two sex-starved teenagers." "I guess love must be blind." "Well, there's nothing wrong with Renaldo's eyes." "Did you see the way he looked at me?" "I thought he was giving me a physical." "God sake." "Julia, what do you want?" "[SIGHS]" "I'm here to save your marriage." "Sean has promised me that he can take 20 years off your appearance head to toe." "And you know he can do it too." "Mm-hm." "You're here to strike a deal, aren't you?" "My lost youth for your lost children." "That's what this is all about, isn't it?" "Your lost youth." "From the day that men began to notice me, you have been filled with rage." "You know, suddenly I had everything you'd lost:" "Beauty, power, sexual supremacy." "Now, I'm sorry I forced you to face your age, and you have never forgiven me." "If only I could force you to face yours." "[SIGHS]" "I remember driving an intelligent, confident young woman to college." "Now she's indulging in a prolonged adolescence at her children's expense." "You can't steal my life and pretend that it's yours." "See yourself out, won't you?" "Mother, don't you want a second chance?" "You could look 50 again." "No, I don't think I'll be having any more plastic surgery." "That's the wonderful thing about raising children." "They keep you young." "Vodka soda, right?" "Heh-heh." "You remembered." "I guess, it must be surprising to see me here after everything I said to you earlier." "I was a little harsh." "And that's why, ahem, I came to apologize." "I guess I can't blame you." "Not even my gynecologist knows." "If your surgeon did such a great job, why don't you go back to get the reversal?" "He said that he couldn't possibly undo all the hard work he had done." "It would be like Michelangelo repainting the Sistine Chapel." "Please." "My body is my temple, I can repaint it any way I want." "How can you afford this?" "Surgeries cost a fortune." " Not to mention recovery period." " Trust fund." "Daddy owned hotels." "I just work here to keep busy." "Money aside, are you aware of the risks?" "I'm already off hormones." "I mean, just take out my implants, I'll cut my hair." "I know, you more than anybody else, should understand the complications to this but to reverse a vaginoplasty and to rebuild a penis is very complicated, okay?" "It's gonna take a year, at least." "Do you understand the microsurgery procedures involved?" " No." " Well, can I explain it to you?" "Okay." "[MACHINE BEEPING]" "CHRISTIAN:" "First we sketch out the size and shape of your penis  over your latissimus dorsi muscle." "After raising that flap off your rib cage, we roll it up and create your new penis." "Complications, however, I mean, could include hematoma  vascular thrombosis, partial or even complete necrosis of the flap." "After performing microsurgery on the blood vessels and the nerves we would reattach the member in the pelvic region." "I'm assuming that you'd like to be able to pee standing up." " I guess." " Well, in that case we'll have to take a graft from the inside of your mouth." "You'll need to wear a catheter for five to seven days go to an after-care facility for up to five days." "The recovery period would be three to six months at least." "We wouldn't go through any other procedures until we got through that." "I'm not scared and I don't care about the risks." "It's nothing compared to a lifetime of living in a body that doesn't feel like mine anymore." "Well, in that case, you definitely don't want Mike Hamoui performing this kind of surgery." "He's never even attempted this type of thing before." "He seemed so sincere." "I know, but that's because he's trying to rebuild his practice after I fired him." "What you need is a surgeon who completely understands this type of procedure." "Okay." " Thanks for meeting me." " Supposed to bring my kids." "I'm sorry, I lied about that." "I thought you and I needed to talk, man to man." " I've got nothing to say to you." " I got something to say to you, then." "I want you to know that I would never stop you from being their father." "Couldn't stop me being their father in a million years." "When I'm done I will stop you from coming within 10 miles of those kids." " This thing isn't over, asshole." " Sean, it looks like it is over." "Who do you think you are?" "You're just some greaseball punk." "What are you doing with a woman old enough to be your grandmother?" "Huh?" "What is your angle?" "What I want is to be a good father to Annie and Conor, that's all." "Give them something they never had before:" "A chance to be happy." "Look, man, watch out." "Don't do anything you might regret." "I'll never regret that." "RENALDO:" "Look, man, watch out." "Don't do anything you might regret." " Classic borderline behavior." " That's enough." "You missed the part where Renaldo is lying on the ground and Sean spits on him." "Well, Mother, it's gonna take more than this little video sting to get custody." "You're quite right." "Child endangerment must be substantiated by a witness who can prove that the parents failed to prevent their child from becoming a neglected child, an abused child or a juvenile delinquent." " Matt testified against us?" " Yes." "He loves you, Julia." "Just didn't want what happened to him to happen to Conor and Annie." "Someday, Julia, you will understand that what I did was for the good of everyone." "And are you videotaping this conversation now?" " No, of course not." " Good." "Be sure to have the children ready and their things packed by Friday." "[DOOR SLAMS]" "[MO ANING]" " You like that, baby?" " Yeah." "[MO ANING LOUDER]" "[MIKE SIGHS]" "Ahh." "Heh." "We are gonna be so happy together." "[SIGHS]" "I am the luckiest guy in the world." "And FYI I'm not gonna be one of those men who doesn't wear his wedding ring." "Just so you know." "Honey, you can do whatever you want, it really doesn't matter to me." "No, you deserve it, Kimber." "When we're not together I want you to feel safe and loved." "What do you wanna do today, huh?" "I have the whole day free." "What about if you and Jenna and I, we go for a picnic?" " You wanna go for a picnic?" " Yeah." "You mean like with mosquitoes and ants?" "Honey, that's really sweet, but actually, Saturdays are more of a me day." "I kind of like to my facials, my manicures and my pedicures, okay?" "How do you not know my schedule by now?" "Okay, I can look after Jenna for you, you know." " My precious little stepdaughter." " Okay, okay, Mike." "I really need you to stop kissing my ass, okay?" "It's not the way to make me happy, okay?" "I just need you to back up and..." "[SIGHS] ...just let me come to you, okay?" "So you want me to back up like how far?" " Like all the way to taking my ring back?" " Well, no." "Come on." "I just need a little bit of space, okay?" "And this has been a whirlwind." "Well, why don't I just call you in like a week, is that okay?" "I'll call you." "Tie is a little crooked." "That's what you were thinking about when you were staring at me over there?" "You're right." "I was thinking you shouldn't be out of bed so soon after surgery." "I'm sorry." "I couldn't wait to see myself in a suit." "It's been so long." "And I didn't want you to see me for the first time, again in some awful paper gown." " Not too flattering." " No." "Can you undo those pants for me?" "[UNZIPS]" " Looks good." " What little there is." "Statistically speaking, it's a little below average, but I did the best I could." "I know." "I was never a size queen anyways." "And if there's anything this experience has taught me it's that the penis does not make the man." "It's what's in here." "Oh." " Jesus." " You're gonna be sore for a while." "What about next week?" "I wanna take you to dinner and thank you." "No." "You don't need to do that." "Ahem." "If there's a better way I can get you to my place, let me know." " You're not interested." " Heh." "There's a lot I've had a change of heart about but being with a guy, definitely not one of them." "[FOOTSTEPS]" "KIMBER:" "Christian." " Yeah?" "Do you have a minute?" "I need a little work done, surgically speaking." "And you came to me, huh?" "What about that asshole fiancé of yours?" "Why don't you hit him up?" "Because I need a tattoo removed." "[ENGLISH SDH]"