"Big fight, man." "You and me." "Bringing home two belts." "_" "I'm gonna move to San Francisco." "Have the baby there." "Why the fuck would you go to San Francisco?" " Because of this." " What?" "Giving 30 thousand dollars to Chapas?" "You fuck me on this, I'm gonna kill you." "You'd have to find me first, motherfucker." "Hey, dad." "What happened?" "Renal failure." "Irreversible." "I'm not gonna be able to be at your fight, really wanted to be there." "I'll get somebody to film it, and then I'll come over here, we can watch it after." "Don't get sucked in." "She is what she is." " You're not gonna change her." " I'm not trying to change her." "I'm trying to help her." "Hands up!" "Ryan Wheeler, I'm coming for you." "Come on, mom." "Jury's still out on Ryan." "He was lackluster in his previous fight." "Either way, it's gonna be a fantastic night for fight fans." "Hey." "Come on, man." "It's time." "Let's go." "Come on." "Ryan, get your ass off the fucking floor and get out there." "They're calling for you." "I'm not going out there." "I don't want to fight." "Oh, it's too late, man." "Fucking tickets have been sold." "Money's been spent." "Fucking contract's signed." "Fuck 'em, man." "They can fucking sue me." " I don't care." " Oh, they'll fucking sue you." "You can't afford it." "Alvey, I lost that last fucking fight." "Aw, will you stop fucking thinking about that?" "!" "I fucking suck, Alvey!" "You won!" "You fucking won." " And you were sick." " No, no, no, no." "I'm a fucking poser, dude!" "I told you, I don't have it in me, man." "All right, I can't do this every fucking time, bro!" "Because you weren't listening!" "I hate this shit, man." "I don't want to fucking fight!" " You'll fucking fight!" " I don't want to fight!" "You are fucking fighting, so deal with it, motherfucker." "You're fucking fighting." "What do you need?" "Do you need to hear some magical fucking words?" " No, no, no, no." " You need to hear that?" "You're the fucking champ, bro." "You're a fucking god." "You are the Alpha fucking wolf." "Pussy comes from miles to watch you walk in that fucking cage." "How's that?" "Does that feel fucking good?" "You feel strong?" "Get up." "Come on." "Come on, man." "I'm fine with local pussy, too." "Local pussy ain't fucking fine with you if you don't have a job." " Ryan..." " Please." "Look at me." "This is your fucking moment." "Right now." "You have clarity of purpose like you may never have again the rest of your fucking life, son." "I'm telling you, this is a rare privilege." "Enjoy it." "'Cause it will fucking end." "It is going to end." "Alvey, this is the last time I'm ever fucking doing this." "Done." "Ever." " Never again." " I'm serious." " I'm serious!" " I'm serious." "I'm serious." "I'm gonna get you a nine-to-five in a fucking cubicle pushing fucking dashes and zeroes, bro." " Fucking data processing." " Wake me up." " Data processing!" " Fucking wake me up, Alvey!" "Who's the fucking champ?" "Who's the fucking champ?" "Come on, motherfucker!" "Come on, motherfucker!" "You can't be beat, motherfucker!" "Come on, motherfucker!" "Go!" "Go!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Let's go!" "Come on." "Come on." "Will you call mom?" "Now?" "She's not picking up." "I'm not fucking calling mom right now, Jay." "Hey... shit." "Nate." "Dude, I need you to, uh..." "To tape this for my dad okay?" "All right, all right." "Hang on a second." "He wants to see everything..." "Crowd..." "He will, he will, he will, he will." "Come on." "Focus." "Come on!" "Hang on a second!" "Point it at me." "Is it pointed at me?" "Okay, okay." "Hey, dad!" "What's going on?" "I'm 'bout to walk out right now." "I'm feeling good." "I'm ready." "It's gonna be a good night, and I wish you were here." " Got it." " Good." "Turn it on back when the music comes." " All right." " Focus." "I'm ready." "I'm fucking ready!" " Focus!" " Okay!" " Can you call her?" " Mom?" "I'm not fucking calling mom, Jay." "What the fuck?" "Chapas?" "You motherfucking cunt." "What the fuck is going on?" "I've been looking all over for you." "It's fine." "We're good." " Is he on his fucking phone?" " No." " Alvey!" " No, no, no, no." " Alvey," " I'm walking out right..." " Just fucking wait." " What the fuck, Alvey?" "!" "No." "Fucking text me where you are." "Alvey!" " Just don't fucking move." " What the fuck?" "Fucking text me where you are." "Don't move." "Jesus, Alvey!" "Focus!" "Focus!" "Go, go, go!" "All right, gentlemen, first round!" "You ready to fight?" "You ready to fight?" "Hit it!" "Get up!" "Get up!" "Stop it!" "You got to defend!" "Pressure!" "Pressure!" "Pull it over, Ryan!" "Pressure!" "Pressure!" "Go!" "The finish!" "Go for the finish!" "Come on!" "Get out of it!" "Get out of it!" "Get out of it!" "Let go of the fence!" "Let go of the fence!" "You fucking bitch." "Fuck you, bitch!" "Smart!" "Defend yourself!" "Defend yourself!" "Finish it!" "Finish it!" "Thank you to Navy Street!" "Ladies and gentlemen, the official time, 4 minutes and 33 seconds of the very first round, your winner by knockout, and still the..." "Lightweight champion of the world," "Ryan Wheeler!" "All right." "I am here with your winner, Ryan Wheeler." "Ryan, emphatic victory." "Vicious knockout, man." "What were you looking to prove here tonight?" "I mean, I'm not here..." "I'm not trying to prove anything, man." "This was just straight, professional violence, Kenny." "I mean, it's not..." "You know, it's..." "I don't come in here to fuck around, man." "I'm in here to inflict maximum damage and just..." "I mean... dude, it's a violent business, man." "And business is pretty fucking good right now." "You came into this one way more aggressive than your previous fight." "Uh, was that the strategy for this one?" "To... to kick his fucking ass?" "Yeah, it was." "I mean, that's always..." "It's always the strategy." "Coach Kulina preaches that." "It's how we train every single d..." "I mean, I came in here with a messed-up rib." "That's just how we fucking do it at Navy Street, right?" "Well, you certainly proved your point tonight." "Congratulations." "I-I want to thank my dad." "Uh, dad, I know you wanted to be here tonight." "You're with me all the time." "Greatest man I've ever known." "I love you, dad." "And, uh..." "And Jay Kulina!" "I heard you, bro." "I heard you." "You're a brother, but it's just fucking business, baby." "It's just business." "It's just business." "So, I'm thinking Alvey will go first, and then Jay, and then Ryan." "Okay." "And while we're here, I'd love to get Nate, as well." "I'm sure you would, Kenny." " Alvey." " Hey." "Not now." "I can't do it right now." "It'll take two seconds." "I'm really sorry." "Kenny, I am really fucking sorry." "Come to the gym." "I give you anything you need." "I promise." "I love you." "It will take two seconds." "I love you." "I'm sorry." " Alvey!" " I'm sorry." "I love you!" "Sorry!" "Aah!" "You fuck!" "You motherfucker." "Shh!" "Shhh." "Shut the fuck up." "Shut the fuck up." "Shut up." "Stay down." "You fucking stay down." "This what you do with my fucking money?" " That's what you do with my money?" " No, man." " Calm down." " Calm down?" "Gah!" "Fuck." "Motherfucker." "That's funny?" "That's funny, right?" "Yeah, boo." "You lost a little power." "Did I?" "!" "Fucking did I?" "!" "Fuck." "You fucking ripped me off." "What'd you do with my money, motherfucker?" "What'd you do with my money?" "Fuck!" "You fucking cunt." "Where's my fucking money, bro?" "This is gonna be a long..." "Fucking night for you." "Mom?" "Mom?" "Whaaam!" " Ohh..." " Jay!" "Come here." "Mom?" "Hmm." "One for you, one for me." "Gracias." "Ahh." "De nada." "It was a great fucking fight." "I was very impressive." "I'm gonna go check on mom." "Hey, hold up." "Hold up." "I want to..." "I want to say something." "Come here." "I want to say I'm proud of you." "I know what you've done for me." "My whole fucking life." "You've taken a lot of shit so I didn't have to." "I'll never forget that." "Bitches and money." "What's that?" "To bitches and money." "To bitches..." "And money." "Waah!" "It's good." "Good escape." "Nice." "Very nice." "Very nice." "Great fight." " Great fight." " Thanks." "That ought to shut some people up." "Yeah, well, they'll still find something to shit on, but they always do." "How you doing?" "Pour us a drink, huh?" "Yes, sir." "You talk to your mother?" "Not in a couple weeks." "She's afraid to bother you." "Call her." "Yes, sir." "I'm going to have to move to a facility." "Why?" "Dad, you got everything you need here." "We don't have the money." "Your mom and I discussed it." "We're moving me next week." "Dad, do you want to stay here?" "That's irrelevant." "I can help out." "I mean, I..." "Ryan, this is how it goes." "Let's not piss into the wind, huh?" "Mom?" "Mom!" "Mom?" "Mom?" "Mom?" "Mom!" "Mom!" "Mom!" "Fuck!" "Mom!" "Hey!" "Hey, wake the fuck up!" "Mom?" "Hey!" "Hey, breathe, mom!" " Come on!" "Wake up." " What happened?" "Will you please fucking breathe?" " Jay, what the fuck happened?" " Mom!" "Fuck!" "She fucking D.D.'d, Nate!" "Can you get her to breathe, please?" "For a second." "Come over and help." "Hey!" "Wake up, mom!" "Come on, come on, come on, come on, mom!" "Hold her head up, dude, and talk to her, and try to get her to fucking breathe or something right now, okay?" " Where are you going?" " Just do it." " What the fuck you doing?" " Fuck, just do it, dude!" "Get her breathing!" "Talk to her!" "Mom?" " Jay, what do I..." " Is she breathing?" "Should I call an ambulance?" "Dude, just stop for a second!" "Is she breathing?" "Barely." "I don't know." "Get her fucking head up, dude, and get her breathing." "Just get her breathing." "Mom!" "Mom, stay fucking with us!" "Please, mom!" "What'd you get?" "What the fuck is that, Jay?" "It's narcan from Mac." "What are you doing?" "Hold her fucking head steady." "What?" "Get her... fuck." "Get her head back!" "Get her head back so she doesn't choke!" "Come on, mom." "Come on, mom!" "Come on, mom, breathe!" "Mom, fucking wake up, please!" "Mom?" "What are you doing?" "Yeah, mom, there you go!" "Hang on." "Whoa!" "Up, up, up." "Get up, get up, get up." "It's us." "Breathe." "Breathe." "Breathe, ma." "Breathe." "We're good." "You're good." "You're gonna make it." "You're gonna make it." "I was really fucking scared." "It was so fucking..." "It's okay." "It's okay." "Where's my money?" "Don't fuck with me, Chapas." "I'm not that guy." "Oh, yeah, that's where I fucked up." "See, I thought you were that guy." "I picked the wrong mark, huh?" "Where's my motherfucking money, dude?" " Your money?" " Yeah." "Ah..." "Sorry, brother." "You made a bad investment." "Oh, oh, did I?" "I'm gonna make you whole, Alvey." "Oh, yeah?" "Uh-huh." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "What..." "Where you going, playboy?" "There's a bag behind the fridge." "May I?" "Slow." "Don't be stupid." "Son of a bitch." "Sit down." "Sit down." "That's not your money." " Oh, that's not my money?" " No." "That's some other motherfucker's money." "Your money is spread among several other motherfuckers." "What the fuck are you into?" "Not a goddamn thing anymore." "May I?" "What did I invest in?" "You invested in me not getting my head chopped off." "I owed a lot of money to some very serious people." "I was doing well, Alvey." "I was..." "I was making money." "I was." "But then I overextended." "A couple deals didn't go through." "Man, shit got ugly really fast." "And I thought I could dig out." "I thought I could dig out." "So I started bringing in some people, you know, to cover my debts, and then I brought in some other people to cover them, and" "You know, just typical Ponzi shit." "Fuck." "Jesus Christ." "Mm-hmm." "I couldn't do it to you, man." "I couldn't hang you out like that." "This for me?" "Yeah." "Look, take a little bit of fucking money, all right?" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, buddy, that's..." "Chapas." "Chapas," "I'm not gonna let you get fucking killed, okay?" "Listen." "Listen." "I'm gonna..." "I'm gonna disappear, clear the deck." "It's a fucking relief, man." "Look at..." "Look how I been living." "Why do I want to hang around here anymore?" "Well, I think we'll be staying in tonight." "She okay?" "Yeah, I think it just scared the hell out of her." "Scared the hell out of me, too." "So, Mac gave you that?" "Yeah, when mom moved in." "You're gonna need more of it." "'Cause this is gonna happen again." "You know that, right?" "I just don't understand why you think it's gonna change." "'Cause..." "It's not." "What else we supposed to do?" "Well, you can't watch her all the time." "I can try." "You got no idea, Alvey." "You don't know." "I don't know what?" "What it's like to have nothing." "You don't think I know?" "No, I mean what it's truly like to have nothing." "You know, no place, nothing in front, nothing behind." "No one to see if you're all right." "What the fuck happened to Misha?" "You know what happened." "She O.D.'d." "No, motherfucker." "You said..." "The night that we got fucking busted, you said it was your fault." "Some shit like that." " I said that?" " Yeah." "I was taking so many fucking pills." "She... she was just trying to keep up." "That's what I meant." "Uh-huh." "That what you meant?" "I got to go, man." "You are one fucked-up dude." "I want you to take this." "I want you to fucking disappear, you understand me?" "No, no, no." "Alvey..." "Alvey." "Listen, I..." "I got a plan." "I got a plan." "It's okay." "Don't worry about me." "And you..." "You're a good friend." "You know that?" "Alvey." "I'm sorry, man." "I'm sorry I put you through this." "Me too." "Good luck, bro." "Aah!" "Aah!" "You're not gonna shoot me, man." "It's money." "Here." "You want the fucking money?" "Take the money." " It's okay." " Bro." "Take the money." "Take the money." "I don't want the money." " Don't do that." " Aah!" "Oh, fuck." "Oh, you motherfuck." "No, no, no." "You didn't do this to me." "You fuck." "Oh, you fuck." "Ah, fuck!" "Okay." "Okay, okay, okay." "You know, Nathaniel," "I'd say we hit bottom." "But I had a great fight." "Everyone's alive." "We're together." "Got this bottle of Tequila." "By the pool." "I mean, on paper..." "We look pretty goddamn good." "We're killing it." "Your toast." "Earlier." "It was hard for me to hear." "I'm sorry for having emotions." "No, it's, um..." "I should've never let you take that fight." "I knew it was a mistake." "I should've stood up." "I should've said something." "You got to stop." "It's just that I had my head so far up my fucking ass from the weight cut and Laura..." "I took my focus off of you." "I think you're right, though." "About Fresno." "It was a really big fucking mistake." "Might surprise you to learn" "I, too, have made a few mistakes." "Ahh." "And check me out now." "Can I join you?" "Yeah, mom." "Of course." "You okay?" "Hey." "What are you doing here?" "I came to drop off my key." "You could've left it at the gym." "Where have you been?" "Alvey, what's wrong?" "What's wrong?" "Chapas is dead." "What?" "He shot himself in the head right in front of me." "My gun." "Oh, my god." "Wh-where?" "Some fucking motel." "He owed a lot of people money." "I beat the fuck out of him, Lise." "I got it all back." "All $30,000." "Every fucking dime." " But it was your gun." " Yeah." "And where is it now?" "I fucking cleaned it off and I left it there." "What do you mean you cleaned it off and you left it there?" " It comes back to me, I say..." " Alvey, do you know how easy it is" " to trace that back to you?" " I say he fucking stole it." "The guy's a fucking thief, right?" "He committed suicide." "He did it." "You should've fucking seen him, too." "He smiled right at me." "He smiled." "Like he solved a problem." "Fuck." "Sometimes I think maybe you guys are better off without me at this point." "I missed all the years I could've made a difference." "Mom..." "We need you in different ways now." "Do we?" "Yes." "Can you think of one thing you've done for us today?" "Hey." "What?" "I can't." "Can you think of one thing you've ever done for us?" "You're absolutely right." "We don't need you." "Hey." "Still, Jay shot himself full of your heroin..." "Nearly fucking killed himself..." "Just to try to get through to you." "Did that even bother you?" "It broke my heart." "Yeah." "Not enough to stop." "It I enough." "Well, then fucking do it." "Or get the fuck out of here." "'Cause I'm not gonna lose my brother over you." "Kenny's coming by for the interview tomorrow." "And I have some things to pick up from the office, so I'll be there." "Alvey, what the fuck are you gonna do about that gun?" "I'm gonna figure it out." " Don't go." " What?" "Just don't... don't go." "I want you to stay." "We can... we can work this out." " We tried." " Not hard enough." " I'm not giving up." " You should." "Just listen to me." "There's nothing more to say." " I'm going." " Just stop." " Stop." "Stop." " Alvey..." "No." "Sit down." "Please." "Please." "I'm gonna be completely fucking honest here, okay, because why the fuck not?" "This is it." "You told me you were pregnant." "It scared the shit out of me, Lise." "I'm too fucking old." "I'm gonna fuck this up." "And you know who I am." "When I get scared, I-I-I get nuts." "I'm all over the place." "And that scared the hell out of you, too, because you've never done this before, and I've never done it well." "We need each other." "This baby is a gift." "I want to see you chasing this baby around the gym." "We'll get married." "That's what I fucking want." "That's a real fucking life." "It's right in front of me, and I'm not running away from it." "From now on, all that matters is you and this baby." "That is it." "I swear to you." "I promise." "Don't leave me." "I don't want to be without you." "Is there anything else?" "Yeah." "Yeah, you know, what do you think about that?" "What do I think?" "I think you saw your friend kill himself, and you're in shock." "I think you're thinking about your own death." "No." "No, that's not what this is about." "That's exactly what this is about." "No, wait." "Just wait." "Just... just sit down." "What do you think is gonna happen right now, huh?" "You think we're gonna pile on the couch and feel the baby kick?" "I'm telling you how I feel." "I don't give a fuck how you feel." "You don't give a fuck how I feel." "Everything you just said was about you." "It's about us." "No, it's about how me and this baby can save you." "Well, you know what?" "I don't want that job anymore." "I'm not fucking interested." "Oh, and if you want to be a part of this kid's life, then start getting your shit together." "'Cause I'm not gonna let you fuck him up." "Dad?" "Dad." "What's wrong?" "What's wrong?" "What's wrong?" "A-anxiety pill." "Anxiety..." " Please." " Yeah, yeah." "I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it." "Okay." "Hold on." "Hold on, I got you." "I got you, dad." "Ready?" "Ready?" "Ready?" "There we go." "There we go." "Goddamn attacks." "Every..." "every fucking night." "Shh." "It's okay." "Hey." "That'll work." "That'll help." "It'll work in just a second, okay?" "It'll work." "It'll work." "Ryan." "Ryan..." "Don't leave me like this." "I ain't going anywhere, dad." "I'm right here." "I'm not going anywhere." "I can't take it anymore." "You're doing good." "Let me go." "Kill me, Ryan." " What?" " Let me go." "What?" "No, no, no." "Dad, what?" "Ryan, fuck." " No, no, no, no, no." " I'm in pain." "I can't fucking take it anymore." " Dad." "Dad." " I'm ready." " I want to die." " No, no, no!" "No!" "Fuck no!" "No!" "No!" "No, no, no, no!" " No!" " Ryan..." "Ryan..." " No!" " We're good." "We're good." "We're good." "You and me are good." " Dad, shh!" " Ryan?" "Shh." "No, no, no." "No." "No, no." "We're... we're good." "You and me..." "You and me, we're good." "Dad?" "Dad!" "Wha... no, what are you even..." "I forgave you." "Do this for me!" "What are you asking me to do?" "!" "No, no, no, no!" "Do this for me, Ryan." "God damn it, please, Ryan!" "Ryan, god damn it!" "What the fuck?" "!" "Ryan!" "Please, Ryan!" "Okay." "Ryan!" "Fuck you!" "Fuck you!" "Fuck you!" "Fuck..." "Ryan!" "Fuck you..." "You..." "What is up?" "What's going on?" "What are you doing?" "I'm eating and drinking." "Where are you?" "I'm at home." "Already?" "Yeah, dude." "It's like..." "It's 3:00 in the morning." "Oh, shit." "Where are you?" "Uh, I'm at my dad's." "Did you show him the fight?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Uh..." "What'd everybody do tonight?" "Um, Jack shit." "We stayed at home." "Why?" "My mom." "Fucked up." "Oh." "Dude, I'm sorry." "That sucks." "Man, I want to get so fucked up right now." "How 'bout tomorrow?" "Done." "May peace be with you." "And also with you." "Bye." "Love you too." "Bye." "This is fucking weird." "It's super weird." "I don't like it." "Hey, I got you something." ""Mama."" "I love it." "Thank you." "We're gonna talk all the time, 'cause you're gonna have a ton of questions." "Yeah." "I'll try not to bother you too much." "No, you better fucking bother me." "I'll miss you." "You too." "All right." "You should go." "You're gonna hit traffic." "Yeah." "Hey." "Can you, um, water my plants for me?" "Every day." "This one is deluxe." ""While based on a 12-step program, we offer a variety of evidence-based treatment modalities, including but not limited to yoga and meditation, acupuncture, art therapy"..." "I don't want art." "Fuck art." "Art's off the list." ""Dialectical behavioral therapy."" "Very cutting edge." "Sounds expensive." "We can't afford any of this." "We're just browsing." "But why?" "We're broke." "I don't have insurance." "You're not backing out of this." "I will find the money." "This is going to happen." "We're not gonna live like this anymore." "Oh." "Yeah." "You're gonna like this." ""Psychodrama." "Reclaim your natural human emotions."" "Sounds right up my alley." "Side mouth, side mouth." "Got it." " Hey." " Yo." "Did you get with Lisa?" "Yeah." "Can you handle it?" "For a while." "I'm gonna be training, so you're gonna have to find someone." "Close the door." "Have a seat." "How you feeling?" "I'm all right." "How you feeling?" "Oh, I'm great." "What's next?" "You're the coach." "You tell me." "What do you want?" "I want to start training." "I want to heal up and fight again." "Long term, what do you want?" "You ever think about getting married, having a family?" "No." "No?" "You're 23." "How do you know?" "I just do." "Thought about going to school?" "I'm training all the time." "Why can't you do both?" "I'm not going to school." "Why are we talking about this?" "I want you to think about your future." "What your life's gonna look like when all this is over." "Yeah." "How long do you think you're gonna fight?" "I don't know." "Stay healthy, 10, 15 years, maybe." "Pfft!" "10 years, you're..." "You're a miracle." "15 years, that's... forget it." "You did it." "I was born to do this shit." "I did it too long." "You can't count on more than three." "Three years, dick money, you're broke before you're 30." "Thanks for the advice." "Can we talk about my next fight?" "You're a great athlete, Nate." "Thanks." "I don't know if you're a great fighter." "Because of two losses?" "Because I know you." "And the difference between good and great is immense." "It's... it's a fucking hundred miles." "I could beat anybody in this gym right now." "Fucking anybody in here." "I'm not talking about ability." "It's a mind-set." "It's a mental fucking illness that I don't see in you, son." "You're not that animal." "I've been injured." "You're missing my..." "You're missing my point, Nate." "Yeah, what's your fucking point?" "What's the point?" "Because right now, all I'm hearing..." "You don't think I can fight?" "I'm on the good side of this." "Most guys my age are broke or dead." "I want more for you." "Okay?" "Yeah, you could fight." "You don't have to." "Do better than me." "Yeah." "I'm gonna go train now." "I tell my guys to identify their fear." "Seek it out." "Run straight through it." "Take its power, make it your own." "And then move on." "Direct confrontation." "It's the only way to survive." "Fear's a killer." "I used to hate being backstage before the walkout." "That's when the nerves would hit." "That's 'cause you think you have a choice, Kenny." "When that cage door closes and that bolt drops, life gets real simple." "You got to fight." "Now, you may not win." "You may take a beating." "But that's just pain, right?" "The fear is gone." "You have clarity of purpose." "That's a beautiful thing." "So, you've won as a fighter, you've won as a coach." "Which is more satisfying to you?" "Oh, man." "Fighting." "You kidding me?" "Really?" "Not even close." "Even after all these years?" "Yeah." "I mean, you're talking the difference between experience and observation, right?" "You got guys out there like Jackson." "He loves the puzzle and the theory of it, right?" "Always looking for new ways." "That's a demon that he's chasing." "And I respect that." "Me, I want to be in the pocket, man." "'Cause when you're fighting, you're on a higher plane." "And that's when instinct and flow takes over." "You overcome the panic of anxiety." "And your mind goes really, really quiet." "Not still." "Just quiet." "I chase that every fucking day."