"# If your sweetheart Sends a letter... #" "Oi, oi, Saveloy!" "Come on then, you virgins, I'll show you how to have a good time." "Albie, still ugly." "I know you are, Del." "MUSIC: "Cry" by Johnny Ray" "BABY GRIZZLES" "Come on, darling, let's have a bath." "Oh, that's a bad one of me." "I said to you on the night, give them your left profile." "Didn't I say that?" "You did." "And I wish I'd listened" "Fred, Jelly." "Season's greetings." "Sorry to have kept you." "Sorry to have kept you!" "It's like being trapped in a lift with Bruce Forsyth." "Looking forward to Christmas?" "I wish you hadn't asked that, Martin, obviously they're not looking forward to Christmas, because they'll be incarcerated in this living hell called prison." "And there's no turkey this year." "Someone's nicked it." "I don't know what it is with prisons." "Always seems to attract the worst kind." "And criminals." "Anyway, you're both down for a plate of corned beef, I believe." "Oh, we're ex-Royal Navy, we were brought up on corned beef." "We love it." "I'm really glad to hear that, actually, because I was feeling a bit guilty." "Well, you know the feeling." "Because I'm really looking forward to a nice, cosy Christmas at home, me." "Bet your wife ain't." "HE CHUCKLES" "DI Thomas's wife died 18 months ago." "Sorry to hear that." "Thanks, Fred." "Not to worry." "I didn't really like her." "Tea?" "What's that racket you've put on in there?" "It's Johnny Ray." "What do you listen to that poof for?" "Don't call him a poof, he's deaf in one ear." "At least he don't have to listen to it!" "Did you read this in the paper?" "They reckon Freddie the Frog's going away for a good few years for that robbery in Margate." "Yeah, with his record, he'll get life." "I thought she'd given you the sack?" "Yes, well we bumped into each other a few weeks back and decided to give it another go." "Once again, it didn't work." "Who you talking about, that Marion sort?" "Yeah." "He's been sniffing round her again." "No, Boycey, I was not sniffing round her." "It's a thing called love." "Why is it every time you fall in love, you become suicidal?" "Cos she don't understand me." "And they say lightning doesn't strike twice." "I got struck by lightning once, and I didn't even know." "I said to her, I'm not a bad catch." "I mean, I'm not being vain." "Although, with my looks, I could be." "She had other plans." "I had a dream, and now it's dead." "Yeah, well, let's have a minute's silence, then!" "THEY LAUGH" "You see, I was hoping that after all this time, your subconscience would give up it's little seam of golden memories." "So let's give it another try, shall we?" "Shouldn't a lawyer be present?" "Only if you're frightened of something." "We used to blow up German battleships, so you two dribblers couldn't make us jump in a haunted house." "And it's unconscious." "What?" "The cerebral area which locks memories away." "The unconscious." "Does it matter?" "Sit down, Martin, or I will make you cry." "Sit down." "THUNDER RUMBLES, RAIN PATTERS" "FRED'S VOICE:" "Have you seen Monet's work?" "You'll love it." "We'll have a butcher's at all of them." "Holbein's despair, Van Gogh's madness, Hogarth's lament." "We'll get up close, we'll see the genius and fury in every stroke." "And then we'll step back, and we'll gaze on glory." "Penny for them?" "Eh?" "You were miles away, love." "What were you thinking?" "Must have been something nice, you were smiling." "Oh, um, I was just thinking of my friend Reenie, you know, Reenie Turpin." "Wondering what she's up to." "Ladies and gentlemen, there will now be a short intermission." "Thank you." "(Raymond!" "Raymond, is this thing switched off?" ")" "Let me see it..." "Yes, it's all right now." "Good, good." "Off you go then, Miss Turpin and, um..." "Oh, oh, oh..." "Is that button fastened securely?" "Get your hands off me, Ernie Rayner, you dirty old man!" "OVER MICROPHONE:" "Miss Turpin, what has come over you?" "What's come over her, Mr Rayner?" "What's come over me, your hands are what's come over me." "You're like a sodding octopus!" "Mr Rayner was trying to adjust your uniform!" "Well, if he does it again, I'll simply adjust his knackers!" "Miss Turpin, will you remember where you are?" "This is not some bar in Beirut, this is the Ritz Cinema, Peckham!" "Raymond, she is obviously in the throes of the menstrual cycle." "I'll wrap a motorcycle round your head if you don't shut up!" "Out of my way and let me sell this chemical crap to the punters." "# Corinna, Corinna... #" "You've got to stop this filthy habit of wanting to get married." "We know what you're after." "We're all after the same thing!" "It's why lots of blokes get married young, so's they can play mothers and fathers and live the rest of their life regretting it." "That ain't going to happen to me, that's for sure." "There is a way of getting what you want, without getting married." "You know Alberto Balsam, the car dealer?" "He told me the secret." "You see, Derek, boys and girls are different." "And I know, I'm Spanish." "The girl, she want to get married and have the babies." "But before the church and the wedding and the fighting, is the engagement." "OK?" "Now, the girl, she doesn't want to lose her fiance." "Why?" "Because then no wedding, no babies..." "And she's ugly, so she want to keep him happy." "And how's she going to keep him happy?" "The jiggy-jiggy, know what I'm saying?" "You know what I'm saying." "It's give and it's take, Derek." "Where I come from in Spain, us boys, we has this saying." "When the ring go on, something come off." "Now you know what I'm saying!" "What?" "You just get engaged to a girl and she comes across with the goods?" "It's give and take, Denzil." "Then a week or so later, before she starts talking about lampshades, you let her see you drunk, she chucks the ring back at you." "It's easy." "Ask him!" "You've had a lark, you've still got your ring." "Next!" "So you've got to sign a hire-purchase agreement with the jeweller's, every time you want to get your leg over!" "Don't go nowhere near a jeweller's!" "Cast your minces on this." "Where'd you get that from?" "Remember Abdul Khan from school?" "Well, his dad owns the Bermondsey Wholesale Jewellery Emporium." "A lot of rich old biddies are putting their real jewellery in the bank, and Mr Khan makes up imitations for them." "See, that's not a real diamond, it's glass." "But it looks real." "What girl's going to know the difference?" "That's illegal." "No, it's not!" "Where does it say you've got to give a girl a real diamond to get engaged?" "In the Bible." "No, it doesn't." "I've read the Bible from start to finish." "I'm very religious." "I bought four of them for a pound." "So who's the unlucky lady, then?" "I haven't made my mind up yet." "But you'll know when I do, cos I won't be sitting in a milk bar drinking frothy coffee with a bunch of eunuchs." "You know what I'm saying?" "You know what I'm saying!" "THEY LAUGH" "We're going home this afternoon." "Our lawyer's arranging bail." "Will you miss me?" "Depends how good my telescopic sight is." "Good morning!" "Good morning." "Good morning." "I trust we slept well?" "Talking of sleep... in bed last night, I had sort of a dream." "Well, you've been a widower for 18 months, so don't feel bad about it." "Most of the blokes in here are having an affair with Mrs Palm and her five daughters." "# And they called it puppy love... #" "Reg!" "Don't kick your dog-ends off the balcony, the neighbours might see!" "And they might buy us an ashtray for Christmas!" "What neighbours?" "We're on different floors now, so none of them talk to me." "I miss our old street." "But no-one talked to you there, either." "Yeah, but at least he could see people ignore him!" "Have a word with your face, Reg." "I've every right to be cheesed off!" "Couple of weeks before Christmas, and they've stopped my unemployment money." "Since I got the sack from that stupid job." "And it weren't my fault!" "Not really." "I was decent enough to take the job in the first place." "What thanks do I get?" "I've actually got the sack from the dole!" "They've stopped your money while they hold an enquiry, that's all." "Take a leaf out of my book, son." "I'm sitting here, patiently waiting for the day I get my state pension." "And when's that?" "Ten years' time." "My brother Georgie went to India, he told me about these holy men that sit in trees, or out in the desert for years and years." "Patience, you see." "That's something to look forward to, Rodney, your granddad contributing towards the housekeeping, and you taking your 11-Plus." "I've got a job interview." "Where's that?" "The Ritz Cinema." "My old job's become available." "I've made arrangements for a baby-sitter." "But then you've got to pay her wages out of your wages!" "I know, but someone's got to do something." "Del's the only one bringing money into this house and officially, he's still supposed to be at school!" "But it's them American records he sells down the market that feeds us and pays for the rent and electric." "Yeah, worries me as well." "What happens when he gets caught?" "I'm doing nothing illegal!" "Nothing illegal!" "Nigh on every night you're out on the town, all dressed up like a pox doctor's clerk!" "He's young and he's enjoying himself!" "Have you seen that big shed of ours?" "Some people call it the garage!" "I beg your pardon, have you seen our "garage"?" "It's full up with boxes of American records." "Yeah, it's called trading." "Cos he's a trader!" "It's called smuggling, cos he's a smuggler!" "Oh, tell him." "Can we do this another time?" "I'm supposed to be down the market." "I've got record lovers waiting for me." "Tell your dad what you told me." "Fair dos." "I used to get the records off these American sailors down the docks." "Then I realised that wasn't completely legal, so I changed me system." "Ted, will you see to Rodney?" "I now deal direct with the actual American companies." "He's telling the truth, Reg, I've seen the receipts." "BABY CRIES Don't dip the baby's dummy in your Guinness!" "Well, that's what me and Violet used to do when Reg was a nipper!" "And look what happened!" "Oi!" "And how does a little toe-rag like you get to talk to American record companies?" "Oh, well, I use this brilliant new invention they've just brought out, called "the telephone"!" "Here you are, you want to see receipts?" "You can read them yourself, they're from all the big American companies." "Columbia Records, Nashville." "Motown Records, Detroit." "Sun Records, Memphis." "Reprise Records, Burbank, California." "What can't speak, can't lie!" "Satisfied now?" "I'll see you later." "Bye, darling." "He's as honest as they come, and he'll be a millionaire one day." "You can bet your middle finger he's not bothering with things like income tax." "That sort of thing can get right up a prime minister's nose." "There's a receipt here from the Inland Revenue, which says "tax paid"." "Nah, there's something iffy." "He might fool you two, but not me." "Mr Thomas, why would we plead guilty when we're innocent?" "Ah!" "Oh!" "And that is the sense of humour that's going to keep you sane over the next 15 years in prison." "Right, I'll see you tomorrow morning." "Same time, same place, as they say." "We're due to be released!" "Our lawyer was applying for bail first thing this morning." "Yeah, I know." "First thing this morning, I phoned the magistrate, Mr Collingwood." "Opposed your bail." "I can't release two old seadogs like you." "One sniff of the briny and you'll be sailing off to God knows where!" "So I'm afraid it's jail, not bail." "Oh, would that be ex-Commodore Collingwood, late of the Royal Navy?" "Commodore Collingwood, who presented us with our commendations for bravery?" "Bollocks." "Reggie's got no faith in young Delboy, has he?" "No." "He's suspicious of everything he says and does." "Yeah." "What's that, love?" "It's a John Bull home printing outfit." "Oh look, says you can print your own headed notepaper, or business cards." "Yeah...or receipts." "What's that doing there?" "Well, either Derek's bought me a surprise Christmas present, or he's one lying little git!" "BABY CRIES All right, darling, Mummy's here." "Ted, you got any of that Guinness left?" "# Gonna tell Aunt Mary About Uncle John" "# He claimed he has the misery But he's havin' a lot of fun" "# Oh baby, yeah, baby" "# Ooh, baby... #" "Who'sthere?" "Fred?" "Wotcha, Don." "Did I wake you?" "No, I had to come down, the juke box was on." "I love this one." "Don't you?" "Yeah." "What're you doing here, Fred?" "Pub's locked up." "You've got an iffy window out the back, you want to be careful, anyone could get in." "I helped myself to a drink, put the money by the till." "There's enough there for you to join me." "It's way too early for me." "Have a drink with me." "Well, I..." "Have a drink with me." "Yeah, all right." "So, they've let you out?" "Yeah." "Do us a bacon sandwich?" "What?" "Starving." "Well, the thing is, Fred, the missus does all the cooking round the house and she's asleep." "Oh." "I know - wake her up." "Wake her up?" "Yeah." "Gwen?" "Gwen?" "What?" "You awake, love?" "What's happening down there?" "Nothing!" "Can you do me a bacon sandwich, dear?" "A bacon sandwich?" "Are you drunk?" "No." "Just a little bit peckish." "It's two o'clock in the morning!" "I'm not going to get out of bed to cook for you!" "Just go in the kitchen and..." "You must think I'm mad." "Just chuck a couple of rashers in the pan!" "I'll put the pan over your head, you saucy git!" "Just..." "DO ME A BACON SANDWICH!" "DOGS BARK" "# When I see my baby... #" "Police came to see you, didn't they, Don?" "Yeah." "It was all about the beano to Margate that I organised, the Jolly Boys outing." "It was DI Thomas." "This is another good record." "I'm not a fan of this pop stuff, but some of it..." "You were saying." "Hmm?" "Oh, he wanted a list of all those travelling on the coach, so I had to show him it." "There was nothing I could do, I had to show him." "Yes." "And you did the right thing." "But you see, what interests me, is how did DI Thomas even suspect me and Jelly were on that coach?" "Someone grassed us." "Or just opened their big gob." "And it was someone in this pub." "Any ideas?" "No!" "No, I haven't heard anyone talking about it, I swear." "There's your bacon sandwich, and I hope it chokes you!" "Thank you, dear." "Well, look who's here." "They say there's more out than in." "She's gold dust, Don." "Gold dust." "Well, you give it some thought." "It may come back to you." "I'd like to know who set it all in motion, so that I can go and have a quiet word with their kneecaps." "Tuh-huh." "Ha-ha." "Red sauce." "These records haven't come out of the docks, and they aren't hooky." "We deal direct with the American suppliers." "And we've got the receipts to prove it!" "Amita!" "You all right?" "How are you?" "Yeah, I'm fit as a lighthouse cat, me." "Fancy any of these records?" "I get them straight from America." "I deal with the record companies myself, personally." "They haven't even been released in Britain yet." "That pile, that's dedicated to the cool knights that died in plane crashes." "There's Buddy Holly, Glenn Miller, The Big Bopper, Ritchie Valens and many more." "It's a sort of tribute." "Tell you what, do you want a record for free?" "Yeah?" "Go on, help yourself." "Any of them." "Not that one." "Oh." "I'll just take this Del Shannon one." "Do you want a cup of coffee?" "All right then." "He's got no chance with that Amita." "Why not?" "Her dad's a vet." "So?" "He's not going to want his daughter hanging round with a piece of scrag-end like Derek Trotter, is he?" "What do you think's wrong with him?" "Judging by the smell from hell, he's crapped himself." "Again!" "She said she'd send someone round to look after him." "Couldn't we phone for an ambulance?" "Ambulance?" "He only needs his nappy changing!" "Yeah, but neither of us has had any training." "And the Labour government has set up this natural health service." "You could be right." "We're entitled, aren't we?" "We pay our contributions every week." "Well, not us personally, but..." "No, no, that's only if you're ill." "He's not ill!" "Well, he smells ill." "Beat the crowds and be the first in your street to own one!" "You'd be paying six bob a go for these... ..Be the envy of all your friends and save a couple of bob." "Go on, you know it makes sense!" "Trig, you just put four sugars in there." "Yeah." "Gives you energy." "But it's Bovril." "Can't help it if I've got a sweet tooth, Denzil." "Slater." "All right, fellas?" "Freezing, ain't it?" "How comes the headmaster's let you out?" "You an undercover prefect now?" "I'm not a prefect any more." "I'm not at school any more." "I left a few months back." "If you'd have been there, I'd have invited you to my leaving party." "Oh, we missed out there, lads!" "Wonder if anyone captured it on cine film." "I know you always enjoyed it, Roy." "School doesn't hold a great attraction for us." "School can't give us bacon rolls and mugs of hot coffee." "And Del and Jumbo pay us five bob a day." "To act as lookouts." "Knowing you rascals, I might have guessed you haven't got a trader's licence." "Shhh!" "Sorry." "These ARE bargains." "I might get something for me mum." "Got anything by Shirley Bassey?" "American records only, Roy." "I shouldn't imagine you bother paying any import tax on them?" "They're busy people, we don't like to bother them." "So you left school." "What are you doing now?" "I'm a police cadet." "Anyone home?" "It's your mum!" "What are you doing here?" "His wife asked me to look after my grandson." "And if you don't like it, Ted Trotter, you can bugger off." "Hello, darling, is she feeding you all right?" "Well, you know." "Can you smell that?" "Yeah." "Which one is it coming from?" "# Rockin' around the Christmas tree" "# At the Christmas party hop" "# Mistletoe hung where you can see... #" "She's a very talented little lady." "I mean, she can't sing, but she's very talented." "I'm a big fan." "Will this go down in my file, Sarge, as my first arrest?" "No, it won't." "You're a scabby little cadet and don't forget it." "You keep your nose clean and pass your exams when you're 19, we might let you become a proper copper." "Till then, bugger off." "That goes for you two as well." "What?" "That's it?" "Get out of here before I lock you up for something." "Can we take our records with us?" "If you can prove they came to you via a legal source then be my guest." "We gave you the receipts." "Oh, yes, I forgot." "This is an interesting one." "From Sun Records in Memphis." "Elvis got his first disc at their studios, they've been around quite a while." "Yeah, years." "So you'd have thought after all this time they'd have learnt to spell Memphis." "I told you it was two Fs." "Have you escaped?" "I'm out on bail." "Where's my son?" "He's with the babysitter." "Is he all right?" "Yeah, he's all right." "Eight fingers, two thumbs." "Not on the same hand?" "He's a very healthy little boy." "What did you name him?" "Rodney." "Does Reg know he's not the dad?" "Am I in a wheelchair?" "So what's been happening since, you know?" "I got the sack from the cinema in the town once they found out I was pregnant." "How are you getting by?" "Is Reg working?" "(LAUGHS)" "He had a job, but it only lasted a week." "They caught him asleep on duty." "What was he doing?" "He was a trolley bus driver." "I've got an interview at the Ritz cinema in a little while, trying to get my old job back." "What about the baby?" "Reg's mum said she'd look after him while I'm at work." "Violet Trotter?" "You're letting her look after my kid?" "Violet knows what she's doing." "She brought up a child of her own, didn't she?" "Yes, Reg." "Find someone else." "It's the best I can do." "Don't you go giving me orders and don't you come round here playing the caring father." "A couple of months from now you'll be in Pentonville or the Scrubs for the rest of your life." "The only chance you've got of seeing your son grow up is if Rodney becomes a prison warden." "How's your new flat?" "It's lovely." "On a clear day you can almost see a lake." "Do you want any money?" "No." "Keep your money." "I don't need nothing." "Stay away from me, Fred." "Please." "I'm frightened." "Promise you won't come near me." "All right." "See ya." "Excuse me, miss, you dropped these." "They fell out your purse." "Thank you." "My pleasure." "Oh, and..." "Merry Christmas." "Yeah." "Merry Christmas." "Don't know what my mum and dad will say if I have to go to court." "He didn't charge us with anything." "We'll have to pay a fine." "We paid our fine." "That sergeant kept our records and he'll sell them." "He ends up with cash on the hip and we've lost our money." "That's our punishment." "Still, got another 1,000 records back in the garage." "I forgot about them." "Business as usual then." "Here's your bus, catch you tonight." "Yes, see you later, Jumbo." "Glenda, you all right?" "Yeah." "Want a snout?" "Yeah, all right." "Someone told me you were staying on at school to do these GVDs or whatever they're called." "GCEs." "Yeah, my mum and dad said I've got to learn a foreign language." "Why?" "Because they can speak foreign languages, so I've got to so I can travel and that sort of thing." "Oh, right, you been abroad?" "Yeah, didn't like it." "I went on holiday to Holland once, it was horrible." "You ever been there?" "No, I've never been on holiday." "Every Friday night my mum goes all continental." "Cooks some sort of foreign meal." "Spaghetti and all that." "I love spaghetti." "I like to lick the tin out." "Oh, no, she don't do no tinned stuff." "She cooks it from fresh." "What's that like?" "It's all right." "Here, can I come round your house for dinner one night?" "KNOCK ON DOOR" "Come." "Here I am again like a bad penny." "Mrs Trotter, how lovely to see you." "Please, sit yourself down, dear." "Lovely." "Cigarette?" "Thank you." "Allow me." "Thank you." "So... (COUGHS)" "So...how have you been?" "Not too bad, thank you, sir." "And you?" "Never better." "Army exercise every morning and last thing at night." "I'm very...fit." "And how's the baby?" "What did you call her?" "Rodney." "Excellent." "Regarding your telephone call, you're looking once again for employment in the film industry." "No, here." "Mrs Trotter, you've lost none of your sharpness." "Would you care for a Cinzano?" "No, thank you." "Right, well, you'll be pleased to know that your old job as ice-cream girl is now vacant." "I relieved your friend, Miss Turpin, from the role last night." "Demoted her to usherette." "She couldn't take the pressure." "So...would you like me to take you back in your old position?" "Thank you, Mr Rayner." "What can I say to my parents?" "This boy I used to know at school wants to come to dinner with us?" "I mean, they don't know you." "I don't know you." "Let's put that straight then." "We could start courting." "Why?" "For a lark." "Look, Trotter, I don't know if you've heard rumours about me and think I'm easy cos I'm not." "They were spread by stupid schoolboys who I turned down." "Nothing was further from my mind." "I like you for yourself." "But I always hated you." "Yeah, well, that was when we was younger." "I've always had a good instinct about people." "Want to get engaged?" "Engaged?" "All right then." "Cushty." "Look, I'll be in touch, yeah?" "Yeah, see ya." "Do you want to start calling me darling?" "No, you're all right." "First, we have to address the problem of your old uniform." "I'm back to my usual weight." "Weight is one thing, dear, shape is another." "Yes, I think we're going to have to make a few minor adjustments." "A vent here, a nip there." "Perhaps a little...tuck." "You want me to go to the tailor's?" "No, not necessary." "My dear mother is a wonderful seamstress." "She made most of the parachutes for the liberation of Crete." "Will she come here or shall I go and see her?" "No, no, no, no, I'll make a note of your various...measurements and give them to her with the old uniform." "If you wouldn't mind standing up, please, Mrs Trotter." "You're going to measure me?" "Saves time and in showbusiness, time is money so... ..here we go." "You won't feel a thing." "So that is..." "Oh, that is... very good." "Just round here." "Just a little bit here." "All done." "You can start on Friday." "Off you go." "Thank you." "I wish I was you, Liz." "I bet you've got your future sorted out perfectly." "Violet?" "To look at her you'd never guess." "Been like it for years." "I even went to the doctor's to get help." "In the end it broke us up." "I'll get you another drink, Ted." "You don't bring her in here much these days." "Not that I'm complaining." "She's busy indoors looking after the baby." "Now, she's just got her old job back at the cinema." "So I'll have even more free time." "Well, I hope you're going to pop round and see me," "I've got a little Christmas present for you." "Yeah?" "I've got a big one for you." "Can't take you anywhere." "It's my tea break." "I might pop outside." "I'll just get my coat." "What's the matter with Ted?" "You know his wife Violet?" "She's a drug addict." "Does Reg know?" "Of course, she's been doing it for years." "Who are you talking about?" "Your mother." "Here you are, Ted, that's on the house." "Reg, I take it all back." "I now know why you're the way you are." "I've heard about your mum." "Me and Gwen know Violet." "Not well." "Try to avoid her." "We had no idea." "What goes on behind closed doors, eh?" "You don't know the half of it." "She'd get up in the morning and before she had a cup of tea and a fag like normal people, she'd start searching for needles." "When I was a kid there were needles under the beds, needles behind the sofa, everywhere." "You've got to do something to help her before she kills herself." "Kills herself?" "No, not hypodermic needles, knitting needles." "She knits constantly, day and night." "Click, click, click, three in the morning, click, click, click, sitting on a train." "Click, click." "She's like a deathwatch beetle on purple hearts." ""Every government has its secret service branch."" "Your dinners are in the oven." "Be careful, they're baking hot." "Mum's in the bedroom doing her hair." "You want to see her, she looks a real doll." "I don't know what you men find so fascinating with that pub." "It's just a chance to catch up with some old friends and hear the latest gossip." "How's Don's mum?" "Last I heard she had an ulcerated leg." "Don't you start talking about horrible medical things while I'm eating." "It makes me feel ill." "He's like a ginger girl's gymslip, isn't he?" "That Mrs 49, her with the varicose vein in her nose..." "She works in the kitchen of an hospital and that's where you hear the real truth." "Here, you chew a lot of that chewing gum, don't you?" "She says it's a medical fact that if you swallow your chewing gum, it can wrap itself around your innards and strangle your liver." "Dead." "Will you shut your mouth!" "This is what I had to put up with." "Yeah, well, I started smoking to give up chewing gum." "Notice anything different about me?" "Like what?" "Like Liz..." "I could be wearing a bloody gas mask and no one in this family would notice." "Mum, what's wrong?" "Nothing." "Leave her, sweetheart." "She's got something the young people nowadays call the baby blues." "I had it with your dad." "I was moody and irritable." "Does it last long?" "36 years so far." "Leave her." "She's all right." "I wake up and she's laying there crying." "Sometimes I hear her crying in the toilet." "There must be something we can do to cheer her up." "You haven't told her the good news yet." "No, I forgot." "Oi, I got a bit of good news." "As I was leaving the pub tonight, one of my contacts came in and offered me a job." "It's only cleaning, but it's ten bob a day, three days a week and here's the cherry on the cake." "It's all cash in hand." "What, no tax?" "Lovely." "That will come in really handy, Reg." "You can say that again." "I told him you can start tomorrow." "Oh, yes, Joanie, that suits you, girl." "Killer diller." "Come in." "Here, I think you'll find everything's here." "Never had a Mrs Mop before, not sure what to get." "Why are you doing this to me?" "Doing what?" "I thought I was being helpful." "These are all labour saving devices." "Of all the women round here, why do you want me to be your cleaner?" "I didn't." "I mentioned to your husband I was after a charlady, he volunteered you." "You promised you'd stay away from me." "I haven't come anywhere near you, Joan." "You've come to me." "Yes, only because..." "Fred, I want this to end." "I'll get out your way, you'll be finished in no time." "You know what I mean." "And stop doing all them psychological things." "You're just like Reg." "You manipulate everything." "Look, we made a mistake, a big mistake." "It was just a chance meeting." "I don't know, it got out of hand." "I'm not saying it was your fault." "It's brave of you to take the blame." "It wasn't my fault either." "Neither of us were to blame." "We were both guilty." "I don't know any more." "What I do know is that misjudgement, whatever you want to call it, is a thing of the past." "I drew a line in the sand under it ages ago." "Good." "I know you want to see Rodney and watch him grow up, but it'll be impossible." "You'll be locked away somewhere horrible." "I don't want to confuse him." "Maybe one day in the future if Reg, God forbid, was to pass away from some terribly painful illness, then I might tell him who his real daddy is." "Chuck these in the twin tub, would you?" "Help yourself to tea and coffee." "The kitchen is through there." "Bedroom is..." "You know where the bedroom is." "See you." "See ya." "DOOR SHUTS" "DOOR OPENS" "I've got to disagree with you on one point." "It was when you said ours was just a mistake, an error of judgment, a chance meeting." "It was much more than that." "The French have a saying." "Oh, more French stuff." "Yes, more French stuff." "The saying goes - il n'y a pas de hasard." "What's that when it's at home?" "It means there's no such thing as chance." "Whatever happens, good or bad, is meant to happen." "It's fated." "Look at the day I met you." "I'd driven all the way from Devon to London." "I stopped at one a zebra crossing and who should be on it?" "You." "Later that night I went to the Nags Head for a drink." "I could have gone up west, but for some reason" "I was drawn to that little South London boozer and who should be in there?" "You." "We were meant to meet." "It was destiny, it was written, it was pre-ordained." "Il n'y a pas de hasard!" "Don't ever compare me to your husband." "I'm the complete opposite to him." "Reg doesn't think about you." "Reg doesn't want you with him all the time and Reg doesn't love you." "All right?" "It's almost five o'clock!" "I've been at your flat all day." "What excuse can I make?" "Say your duties were far more demanding than you first imagined." "What you were saying earlier about when we first met, before I actually spoke to you that night, I'd heard someone call you Freddy the Frog, and I assumed you were French." "That's cos I was a frogman in the navy." "I know, but I thought, "Ooh, a French bloke!" "Ooh la la!"" "It's that French language." "It gets to you." "I love it when you speak it." "Makes me go funny." "Sort of sends me..." "SHE SQUEALS" "Teach me French." "You're pretty good at it already." "If you weren't driving, I'd knock you out!" "Teach me something I can go home and impress the family with." "They won't know what you're saying." "I mean, Reg is still having problems with English." "My eldest boy, Derek, is very bright." "He'll pick French up really quickly." "He's a natural." "Come on, teach me something simple." "All right." "Try this." "J'adore..." "Jadore." "No, not "ja"." "J'adore..." "Joo-dore." "Almost, but miles off." "Say it quickly." "J'adore." "J'adore." "Nah, it sounds like there's a draft." "J'adore." "J'adore." "Good!" "J'adore une..." "J'adore un soixante-neuf." "Feel all right?" "What's that?" "It's French." "Where did you learn that?" "At the flicks." "A Brigitte Bardot film." "What's it mean?" "I was told it means, "I am enjoying this dinner."" "J'adore un soixante-neuf." "That's brilliant!" "Cor, you're really clever." "Thank you, darling." "Ah, my mum speaks French." "Wait until I tell the hounds." "Well, I'll see you later." "Where are you going?" "I'm off round my fiancee's house." "Don't wait up." "Nice bit of fish." "Vi bought it." "Yeah?" "It's got more bones than Highgate Cemetery." "What did he say?" "He's going round where?" "His fiancee's?" "That's what he said!" "I forgot me fags." "Oi, what you talking about, fiancee?" "Oh, yeah, I got engaged." "Who to?" "What's-her-name." "Glenda." "I used to go to school with her." "I'll introduce you to her some time." "She's all right." "Darling, you're too young to be engaged!" "Yeah, well, you were married and had me by the time you were my age!" "There was a war on!" "Yeah, well, every bloke's gotta get engaged some time, so why not now?" "I hope he hasn't got her in trouble." "Del's not that stupid." "Well, I did with you." "Like I say, Del's not that stupid." "So, what does your father do for a living, Derek?" "Oh, my father doesn't work, Mr Wilkins." "He's an invalid." "Oh." "Sorry to hear that." "What did he do before he was invalided?" "He went to school." "So what does your mother do?" "Oh, my mother works in the motion picture industry." "Really?" "What is she?" "Make-up artist?" "Costume designer?" "Something like that?" "Yes." "What do you do, Mrs Wilkins?" "Ooh." "I teach." "So you're a teacher." "Yes." "Mum teaches French." "French!" "Lovely." "What is this, Edna?" "It's coq au vin." "Have you ever had coq au vin, Derek?" "No, this is the first time, Mrs Wilkins." "We discovered it on one of our visits to France." "It's shit." "It's not shit, Mother!" "And please don't use that kind of language around the dinner table." "Do you like it, Derek?" "Oh, yes, it's very continental, Mrs Wilkins." "Thank you." "It's lovely, Mum." "And speaking for myself, Mrs Wilkins, may I say, if I may, j'adore un soixante-neuf." "I said, j'adore une soixante-neuf." "We heard you." "We heard you loud and clear, young man." "This is shit." "No, he's not in." "What's happening?" "She wants to know the ins and outs of a cat's earhole." "There's someone at the front door, so shut up, they might be normal." "Come in." "Everybody, this is Amita." "Hello!" "Amita is Derek's fiancee." "I thought Del Boy was engaged to..." "To Amita, that's right." "Here she is!" "Isn't she lovely?" "I thought I'd pop in and say hello to you all." "Why?" "Cos she's engaged to our son!" "Darling." "I hope it's not inconvenient." "Del said to just call in whenever you're passing." "Did he?" "Well, this is my husband, Reginald, my father-in-law, Edward, and his wife, Violet." "Hello!" "She looks like a nice girl, doesn't she, Reg?" "What's your name again, darling?" "Amita." "Anita?" "No, AM-ita." "Are you sure it's not Anita?" "Vi, her name's Amita." "It sounds like Anita." "It's Hindu." "It's most probably the Indian version of Anita." "I was named after my grandmother." "And what was her name?" "Ursula!" "What do you think it was?" "Anita!" "Amita." "I don't care." "I'm going down the pub." "Darling." "So, your family are from India?" "Oh, yeah, my mum and dad are from Calcutta originally." "They moved over here a long time ago." "Oh." "His brother, George, was in Calcutta." "That was way back in the 1920s." "There was some civil unrest, and they sent George out to try and calm things down." "Oh, what was he, a diplomat?" "Nah, sniper." "SHE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY" "Do excuse me." "What d'you think you're playing at?" "You went out earlier to see your fiancee, Glenda, and an hour later, another fiancee turns up called Anita!" "Amita!" "Shut up!" "Why have you got engaged to two girls at the same time?" "Oh, I dunno!" "It's a bit like finding two lovely apples hanging off the branch and you think to yourself, "Which one's juiciest?"" "So in the end, you take both." "So these young ladies think this is love, but you're out scrumping?" "Well, the engagement to Glenda's off." "Good!" "Yeah, her family took an instant dislike to me." "Well, three cheers for them, cos you're a horrible boy!" "Now, you get in there and you put on a show." "All right?" "Yeah." "Where've you been?" "Oh, there and back, see how long it took." "Ah, look." "They make a lovely couple, don't they?" "Beautiful." "Anita's dad's a vet." "Do you ever wear Indian clothes, Anita?" "Only at family gatherings." "She can't wear all them silk dresses with a force nine gale blowing up the Thames!" "I'm gonna give you the best Christmas present you've ever had, darling." "Really?" "What?" "I'm gonna knit you a sari." "I need a drink." "# Happy and glorious" "# Long to reign over us" "# God save the Queen. #" "Another year over." "Think I'd better get the afters while I'm still capable." "Your nan's brought us homemade Christmas pudding." "Where's my handbag?" "There's a lighter in there." "Oh, are you gonna set light to it?" "Oh, yeah." "You ain't seen it!" "Queen don't change, do she?" "Nah." "Still as beautiful as ever." "No, I mean she wore that dress last year." "People have been slung in a cell for less than that!" "Oi, make us another snowball, darling!" "Make that your last." "Oh, leave her alone!" "She's having fun!" "Yeah, and if she gets sick, looks like someone's chucked Pancake Day down the khazi." "Oh, shut up!" "We're about to eat the Christmas pudding!" "How many tickets we sold?" "100?" "Well, 12." "There'll be plenty more paying at the turnstile, and we can sell them some of our records as they leave." "Booze, tickets, records, we'll make ourselves a fortune." "Happy new year, Jumbo!" "Happy new year, Del Boy!" "Amita!" "You're a bit early, sweetheart." "Turn that ring away, you're blinding me!" "Can we talk in private?" "Yeah, sure." "My father had an emergency call last night from a man who's an important client and family friend." "His dog was being violently sick and had diarrhoea, so I went with him." "Well, as long as you enjoyed yourself!" "His name's Mr Khan." "That's a funny name for a dog." "He owns the Bermondsey Wholesale Jewellery Emporium, and he was really interested in this engagement ring that you gave me." "He said it wasn't a real diamond." "In fact, it's glass, and apparently, they make gin bottles out of better glass than this!" "He said a few weeks back, he sold four of these rings for a pound to someone called Derek Trotter." "You mean to tell me there's someone out there impersonating me?" "!" "Oh, we both know what this means!" "And I've got a good idea what you were hoping to gain with this deception." "I'm sorry, Amita." "So am I. I liked you." "Yeah, well, I liked you." "I just sort of thought that..." "I dunno what I was thinking." "Not important now, is it?" "Can I keep the ring?" "Yeah, course." "Is your family in, or have they gone out for New Year's?" "Nah, they're in." "They're going out a bit later." "Why?" "I just wanted to say goodbye to them." "See you, Derek." "Happy new..." "Thought you'd drawn a line in the sand under us two." "I did." "When the tide came in, I forgot where I'd put it." "Will you really be going back to prison?" "Nah." "Police have got no real evidence." "What if the detective comes up with something?" "They always do in the movies." "I'd like you to know the baby, but how can I bring him along on prison visits?" "He'll see you behind bars." "What excuse could I make?" "Tell him Daddy lives in a zoo." "Did you mean what you said earlier?" "Yeah." "Don't talk." "MUSIC PLAYS" "All right?" "Not really." "Amita's given me the sack." "Get engaged to someone else." "No, I'm not doing that any more." "It's not the proper way to treat a girl." "Oh, I don't fancy this party." "I'm going home." "Look at me!" "I'm not wearing a bra." "I'm not wearing a vest, but I'm not bragging about it." "I like you." "DOORBELL RINGS" "What do you want?" "I want to see my boy." "They're all down the pub." "I know." "I didn't fancy it, anyway." "You're not wearing the ring." "No." "It's a bit difficult." "People might ask." "BABY CRIES" "Can I pick him up?" "Yeah." "You don't have to whisper." "He's awake." "BABY WHIMPERS" "He's all right, isn't he?" "Yeah, he's all right." "And it's definitely Rodney?" "Yeah." "All right." "I know we didn't go about things the right way, you know, you being married to Reg and all that, but...you all right with things?" "You?" "Yeah, I'm OK." "He's all right, isn't he?" "Yeah." "He's good." "PEOPLE COUNT DOWN FROM TEN" "..Two, one!" "Happy new year!" "THEY SING AULD LANG SYNE" "It's New Year's Eve." "Thought you'd be spending it with friends." "I am." "Happy new year, son." "Son!" "Let's dance." "Dance?" "Yeah." "New Year's Eve." "Whole world's dancing." "I feel silly." "Go on, then." "Go on!" "SLOW MUSIC"