"Gates, you're skipper." "Sorry?" " You're the man, that's it." "You can't just..." " Get out of my sight." "Get out!" "You dirty slut!" "You're telling me my heart's knackered." "It'll take a bit of time to really digest it." "Then I'll come back and see you, we'll talk about your treatment." "Breathe deeply and count backwards from ten." "Jesus!" "We've threaded a nail down the shin by cutting through the patella tendon and drilling into the bone." "These locking screws will prevent the bone revolving on the nail, holding the fracture more securely." "Spare me the ER speak, Doc." "What about the kid's professional outlook?" "It's a serious injury for any athlete." "But surgery went well and obviously physio will be very important for his long-term prognosis." "I am here, you know." " English." "Is he gonna kick a ball again?" " He's just said he doesn't know." "At this stage, it's hard to tell." "If his rate of recovery continues, he should be able to lead a normal life soon." "Premier League footballers don't qualify as normal, darling." "I think a positive attitude is what's paramount just now." "Let's take it one step at a time." "No pun intended, I'm sure." "'You win.'" "Welcome home, babe." "Never let it be said I don't know how to treat my women." "Jesus Christ, what happened?" "Why didn't you phone?" " I wanted it to be a surprise." "My brother driving like a twat again?" "I'll kill him!" "No, love." "I know it looks bad but it's only temporary." "I done it meself." "What are you on about?" " I got a nose job, didn't I?" "What do you reckon?" "Right." "I've put your things - remote control, magazines and that - at arm's length, so you're all sorted while you're in the chair." "Here, let me." "Mum, I've broken my leg, all right?" "I'm not paralysed." "Sorry!" " Shit!" "Oh, God." "Sorry." "I never thought..." "I just wanna get a drink, all right?" "Aren't you supposed to lay off that?" "What about the antibiotics?" "Where's my computer?" " On the desk, like you said." "Oh." "Well, don't mention it." "I'm sorry." "I must be so worried about my shitted up career I forgot my manners." "I'll send you a thank-you card." "Hiya." "The door was open." "Elaine Hardy." " Kyle Pascoe." "What are you doing here?" "I thought the club had told you I was coming." "I'm your physiotherapist." "Oh, God." "I'm sorry, darling." "Roger said you'd be dropping by." "I'm pleased to meet you." "I'm Jackie, Kyle's mum." "I'm looking forward to working with him." "No offence, yeah, but physio's personal." "I ain't having a woman treat me." "Mr Webb wants to see you fit again and he's asked for results." "Don't worry, you'll get used to it." "So, Jackie, how about a grand tour?" "Show me what I've got to play with." "Right." "Have you seen yourself?" "You look like Silence of t'Bleedin' Lambs." "It'll heal." " Won't people notice you look different?" "That's the whole point." "It's what everyone does now." "Like buying a fancy handbag or whatever." "Don't know why you're so angry." "Because I thought we were a team." "How much did it cost anyway?" " You wanted me to spend some money." "How much?" "Four grand, OK?" " Four grand?" "!" "I've only been here two minutes, you're acting like we're minted!" "We are, aren't we?" " Not if you spend it like that!" "It'll be worth it when the bandages come off." "Yeah." "It wants to be an' all." "Great house." "I thought I'd keep you down here, make up a bed while you're in the chair." "That way we can use the stairs as part of your physio." "Is that right?" "What are you doing?" "Logging on to the Job Centre, what do you think?" "Planning to be a bookie are you, when you retire?" "I'm sorry, are you here to make crap jokes or sort my leg out?" "Fine." "OK." "Sorry." "Think I'd better show you the programme I've mapped out for you, then." "We'll be focusing on the other muscle centres but we want you on crutches as soon as possible." "Now, here's this week." "As you can see, we're going in all guns blazing." "Yeah, forget it." "Sorry?" "I heard what the doctor said." "I'm as good as finished." "All this is just a blind until I accept it." " Come on." "I'm sure he didn't say that." "You're a PR stunt, love." "So do me a favour and go and patronise someone who's got a hope in hell." "I've got a lot of experience, Kyle." "And to be honest, I've got better things to do than patronise people." "I'll leave you with this and I'll come this afternoon and we'll make a start." "Oh, and look at it this way." "You're being paid, I'm being paid." "We might as well give it our best shot, eh?" ""Eyebrows were raised by footballers and antique dealers" ""when a rare set of jewellery came up at auction," ""to be sold by none other than Conrad Gates." ""'Why are you flogging the family jewels?" ""'On £40,000 a week and a multi-million pound transfer fee," ""'Can you really be stuck for readies?"" ""We have our own theory." ""Gates is just as worried about the future of Earl's Park as the fans are."" "I'll speak to him" "Too bloody right you will." "There is something wrong here." "Get it sorted." "I can't afford for him to take his eye off the ball." "Which brings me round to a little proposition I've been wanting to discuss." "You're up to your eyes in it, Frank." "Conrad Gates nearly broke the bank, didn't he?" "I've made no secret about putting some of my own cash into the deal." "It's a little more serious than that, innit?" "I know you've already had to sell some shares, Frank." "How do you fancy selling some more?" "To whom?" "You?" "I got backing from some... friends" "We'd like to buy you out." "You'd better be joking." "Oh, come on, Frank." "Ain't you had enough?" "You ain't the major shareholder any more, babe." "Arse about much longer, you risk getting drummed out by the board." "My way... you'd have some readies." "And at least you'd know your replacement." "You can't chair the club." "You represent half the bleedin' team!" "It's nothing that can't be sorted." "Get stuffed!" "He ain't up to it." " He'll have to be." "Sorry, love." "I need a word." "It's important." "So is his physio." "Can't it wait?" "No, it can't wait." "She's my agent." "Right." "So, we'll take a short break, then." "Excuse me." "You'd have thought they'd have got me a proper physio." "It's all in the mind." "So you think it's a waste of time?" "Have you seen this?" "It'll take more than a PE teacher to get me fit." "You said it." "I'm dropping you, Kyle." "Sorry, babe." "I gotta think of the future." "Nothing personal." "You sly bitch." " If it helps, you ain't the only one." "I'm shedding clients all round." "Got another venture I need to make time for." "Yeah, and the cripple's the first to go." "You know what?" "Even if you hadn't done your leg I'd be dropping you." "Cos you've been a bloody liability for too long now." "I've got clients who actually want to work." "So, you wanna blame someone... take a look at yourself." "Like Fort bloody Knox out there." "What's up?" "I told you we'd up security." "And you had to sell your personal possessions to pay for the extra muscle?" "Don't try and spin me, Conrad." "I can smell it a mile off." "And it's only a matter of time till the hacks find out." "If I'm gonna firefight it for you, I've gotta know the truth." "Well, it's none of anyone's business, is it?" "Someone curries your bow-wow, you don't even call the old bill?" "Don't insult me, Gates." "Who you been pissing off?" "Conrad." "She's right." "At the end of the day, I didn't actually do it, did I?" "If it does all blow up, we're gonna need someone on our side." "Fetch us a cup of tea, love." "This looks like it's gonna be interesting." "In fact, I tell you what - make it a large vodka." "Jesus!" "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I can't cope, Tanya." "Sparks haven't been relegated yet." "There's still time." "No." "No, it's all falling apart." "Hazel is after my arse and..." "Look, just put your head between your knees." "I'm gonna call your doctor." " No, no, no." "There's no point." "I..." "I know what's wrong." "I'm..." "Oh, Christ." "I've had it, haven't I?" "What are you on about?" "My bastard heart's packed up." "Six months, that's what they've given me." "Bullshit." "I don't know what you're angling for." " Ah, you don't believe me?" "See for yourself." "You should be happy, Tanya." "You're gonna get an early parole." "But the ball went in?" " Hit the post." "I scored, Hazel." "My reputation's sound." "There's no proof I agreed to anything." "Apart from the fact you've just handed Jackie Chan a bag of cash for no reason." "Right." "I'll start putting a few things together in case they start blabbing." "Make it look like a blackmail job." " Brilliant." "But... that makes me an accessory." "And you don't want me gobbing off if the shit hits the fan, so..." "I reckon you owe me a favour." "Like what?" "Nothing you ain't done before, sweets." "I've been working on a little plan of my own and, er... it'd be very handy if you took a little time, let's say, to settle into your stride on the pitch." "It's like it's not me." "I can't stop looking at meself." "It's weird, you wouldn't think a little thing like a nose makes much difference." "New woman or what?" " It'll be like shagging someone else and getting away with it." "You pervert!" "My mum's gonna freak when she sees me in Now magazine." "You what?" " They're on at me about an interview." "But I called them before I went in." "They want me to do a four-page spread - big feature on cosmetic surgery." "Yeah, but we shouldn't be talking about us private lives without help." "Like representation or summat." "Why?" "We've got nothing to hide." "And it'll bring us some money in too." "Why'd we wanna give a cut of it to some PR wanker?" "Keep it for the wedding, eh?" "Yeah, I suppose so." "We're gonna need it, the rate you're spending it." "You call yourself a mate?" "Frank has done everything for this club and you're in like a vulture." "I'm trying to help." "You're the one who was so worried about his lack of funds." "I told you that stuff in confidence." "It's business, Tan." "Think about it." "He sells - at least you've got some cash to flash until you divorce him." "Yeah." "Then bugger all." "It'll be less than bugger all if he has to declare himself bankrupt." "But... if you're prepared to gamble, go for it." "Blimey." "I mean, good for her, I suppose." "Yeah, look at the state of her, though." "It'll take more than a nose job." "You speaking from experience, or are you telling me you've never had a nip and a tuck?" "Are you suggesting I need to." " I wouldn't know, love." "But I'll give you the once over if it's my opinion you're after." "So, how was Conrad this morning?" "Any pre-match nerves?" "What, Conrad?" "Don't be daft." "So, who's playing for me?" "Noah Alexander." "Time he got a break, Roger reckons." "Top form on the reserve team and he's keen." "Yeah?" "Well, we wouldn't be in this mess if you hadn't stabbed me in the back." "Bullshit, Pascoe." "Blame who you want." "You're on self-destruct." "I'm gonna watch this in my office, I'm not feeling too well." "Kyle." "Alexander's good... but he ain't you." "Hmm." "See?" "Told you they were missing you." "Do you good to show your face." "Not that I think you needed it, but it looks lovely." "Don't it, Amber?" "Peach." " Straight up?" "Cheers!" "'Ey, did you see my feature in Now magazine?" "Not on my reading list, I'm afraid." "Oh." "Amber's been telling me she's got the lead in a new film." "No way!" "They've asked me to screen-test, that's all." "But it is a great script." "It's about this Italian girl..." "'Onto Conrad Gates, that pass was meant for Alexander." "'Johnson read it and now he's on the attack." "He's round Bateman..." "'What a goal for Athletic!" "'Gates is unimpressed." "He's giving Noah Alexander a piece of his mind." "'The manager's joining in and it doesn't look as if he's asking him out for a drink.'" "Were any of you lot actually in training?" "Or have I been in some parallel universe where the real footballers live?" "Eh, Gates?" "I did what we trained for." " I was told to hang back." "What, voices in your skull?" "Because I know what we play at!" "I heard someone say hang back." " And you!" "If he ain't there, you change your play!" "Jesus wept!" "You told me to hang back." " I said, "Hang in there."" "Look, I'll cover your arse as best I can but I'm no idiot and Webbsy knows it." "Look, it's your first go, Noah." "Don't beat yourself up, yeah?" "It's like time off with pay, innit?" "Too right." " Yeah, nice one." "I heard you and Hazel parted company." "Yeah, I binned her." "I want someone who ain't so busy with other clients." "Didn't think your physio would be a girl." "She isn't." "She's a bloody terminator." "I don't believe it." "I really wanted to do you proud." "Bet you can't wait to bet back now." " He wouldn't be the only one." "Sorry." "Give it a rest." "Not as if you ain't ever made a mistake, is it?" "Besides, it wasn't him who let the goal in." "Yeah, fair dos." "Do you fancy going out later?" "Club or whatever." "You don't have to dance or nothing." "I gotta go and do some work on me leg." "Get me out of here." "Get a good look, did you?" " You what?" "Amber Gates' gazongas." " Don't be soft." "Come on, darling." "Let's make a move." "Right." "You've done your bit for Hazel." "Now that's it." "I can't stand the worry." "Call me a bitch but my offer goes down every point Sparks waste." "You're a bitch." "♪ Set me free, why don't you, babe?" "♪ Come on and let me go" "♪ Like the rain falls in a paper cup" "♪ There's nowhere left to go" "♪ Hit the long road running" "♪ Wish upon a star" "♪ I would fall down at your feet" "♪ If I could be where you are" "♪ Time" "♪ Just a notion" "♪ I'm" "♪ Like the ocean ♪" "Harley." " Yeah?" "If there was anything else, that you could change about me, what would it be?" "What you on about?" "Nothing." "Well, I don't know." "I suppose you could lose a couple of pounds." "Only cos you're always on about it." "I could get liposuction." "They suck the fat out your hips." "Or you could stop throwing KitKats down your throat." "It's cheaper." "You know what else would make me look slimmer?" "If I was bigger up here." "Cos I looked at Amber's tits?" "I'm a bloke." "Why not, though?" "You always said mine were too small." "I'm only winding you up." " You're right, though." "Imagine you had two big babies you could really grab on to." "Yeah?" "I've read the literature you gave him, of course." "We'll get someone in to help him with his daily routine when it comes to that." "Yeah, I know." "OK." "Thanks, Doctor." "Bye." "I can't believe they won't consider a transplant for any amount of money." "I don't make the grade, Tanya." "The criteria reads like a... personal ad." ""Young, fit, nonsmoker."" "They don't want to waste a healthy heart on the likes of me." "You could at least make an effort not to die tomorrow." "I didn't know you cared." " I'm not a total bitch." "Yes, you are, sweetheart, we both know it." "You're just worried I'll croak before I get out of the financial shit heap." "Maybe." "But if Hazel forces you out with your tail between your legs, you'll die a penniless nobody." "And neither of us want that." "Jesus!" "So... can they do this?" "Not to me they can't." "Laslett's off his trolley if he thinks I'm taking a wage cut." "The only reason I came to this shitty team was the cash." "Oi." "Watch who you're calling shit." " Get over it, Ronnie." "The fact is, we've got to stick together." "Cos if it gets nasty, there's power in numbers." "Yeah, but like he says, the club's in trouble." "If we go into administration, who's to say they'd honour our contracts?" "Tits up, innit?" " So you wanna bend over and take it?" "You got an opinion?" "Yeah." "I do, actually." "The club can't give us a deal, then take it back once we've made the commitment." "What's the point of a contract?" " Exactly right." "Contracts are binding." "Ask your lawyers." "Well, you're not wrong there." "This isn't a demand, is it?" "It's just Frank asking you to consider the big picture." "Yeah?" "Well, big picture this." "How many times has he stuck his hand in his pocket to top up your accounts?" "And you're already stinking." "That's the game, boss." "You want to argue it?" "Fine." "Come up with the goods on the pitch." "Or drop to the bottom end of the table, see what happens to your pay packets then." "What?" "Nothing." "Look, Paddy, it smiles." "There was us think Daddy was a misery guts." "Good news?" " Yeah. 90 grand's worth of good news." "Bloody hell, Kyle!" "What did you have to bet to win this much?" "It's the way you do it." "Besides, sitting in front of the computer is easier than running round the pitch." "It ain't a living, Kyle." "So call me unemployed." "What about all the times you lost?" "Even before the accident." "Coming back from the casino with a face like thunder." "And you're a self-made woman." "When was the last time you spent a penny your own money?" "Morning." "Nice weekend?" "Yeah, sweet." " Glad to hear it." "OK." "We'll do the warm-up and then I think it's time to try and put some weight on that leg." "So I'll just get you up." "I'll do it, it's fine." "OK." "Great." "Skipper!" "I was wondering if you could give me a couple of tips about your car?" "I've been thinking about getting one but I reckon I should speak to you first." "Yeah, sure." "Any time." "Well, Mrs Laslett." "I think you've been avoiding me." "Just sticking to the rules." "Your rules." "No harm in talking, is there?" "That depends what you've got to say." "Don't start me." "I won't, then." "I'm here to see my husband." "I hope you've come to tell him he's making a big mistake." "You don't do the dirty on your own lads." "I'd love to fight your corner, darling." "But the whole world knows the transfer fee you bagged." "Not to mention your image rights." "A little cut in your weekly wage won't exactly break the bank, will it?" "I'm a greedy boy." "But I guess you know that already." "Cos you're just the same, aren't you?" "I told you, Tanya," "I don't know what it is, but I get you." "It's a pity Amber's put me out of bounds, then, isn't it?" "It's a good job I'm joining her in Paris tonight." "Or I could be in serious danger of cracking." "'This isn't the first time Sparks' shares have taken a dive 'but given their current status in the league, it's most worrying." "'Last week's disappointing match resulted in some panic selling 'but this morning's events are as serious as it gets - 'a ten million pound loss in one day.'" "Christ!" "I know fine well who's pulling the strings." "Hazel bleeding' Bailey." "We'll have to find a way to calm the shareholders." "The players aren't taking kindly to wage cuts." "Frank!" " Frank, she's right." "Take it easy." "Give yourself a bloody coronary." "That's all we need." "Ain't that the truth." "Two sizes up is what most girls go for." "This'll give you a lovely shape and a prominent cleavage." "Five grand for a couple of bags of jelly?" "And my considerable expertise, if you don't mind me saying." "Please, Harley." "They'll look great." "Yeah, go on then." "I was gonna buy a wedding present anyway." "I just didn't think it'd be a pair of tits." " Thanks, love." "I'll book you in, then." "In fact, it may be too short notice but I've had a cancellation for this afternoon." "It doesn't feel right." " Course it doesn't, it's broken." "Put some pressure on." " It hurts!" "How do you know?" "You haven't tried." " It's my leg, I know how it feels." "Pointless anyway." "You are really starting to annoy me." "I'm trying really hard to help you and all you can do is buy into your own press." "You're taking the piss out of me and the fans." "They earn a fraction of what you're on." "Save me the sports psychology." "I can see it in the handbook " "Chapter One:" "Piss Off Your Patient And You'll Find His Fighting Spirit." "You should listen to yourself, Kyle." "You might learn something." "It's more than I'll learn off you, babe." " Fine." "I'll leave you alone." "See if you can work out Chapter Two." "Stop Being A Pathetic Prick." "Sell the club, Frank." "Sell for whatever you can get." "There's nobody I can trust, is there?" " I'm serious." "Of course you are." "Seriously scared the coppers'll be onto you after I'm gone." "Look, I'm not pretending I don't have an interest." "Think about it." "Sell the club now, it won't be a massive amount of money but it'll be a lot." "Enough to give you the best six months you've ever had." "And some left over for you, right?" "Oh, I don't know." "Maybe you're right." "Maybe Hazel will end up with more than what she bargained for." "Well, anything can be arranged." "Oh, shit, that's Mario!" "Charity fashion show at Grosvenor House, I said I'd go." "Sounds vital." " I'd better get ready." "You going back to the club?" " Mm." "I'll get a cab, then." "Look, phone Hazel, Frank, and tell her she's got a deal, or we'll all be left with nothing." "Hello again, Shannon." "Your fiancé will be back in the morning with some clothes." "Great." " You ready?" "Can't wait." "'Welcome on board this private flight to Paris, Mr Gates.'" "Once airborne, we will be cruising at an altitude of 36,000 feet at speeds of 600mph." "We're expecting to land at Charles De Gaulle airport at 5:30 local time." "As we prepare for takeoff, please pay close attention to the safety video." "You look so very proud for one stripped so bare." "My flesh and bones are nothing." "A uniform." "It is my spirit that houses my private parts." "No, places." "It is my spirit that houses my private places." "And there is no brush that can penetrate its shelter." "So paint me, as you see me." "I am not ashamed." "A glass of champagne, sir?" "No, I'm fine, thanks." "Are you sure?" "How the hell..." "Don't ask." "You're something else, Mrs Laslett." "Tanya." "You know the score." "I promised Amber." "You've been asking me to call the shots since Amber put the stoppers on." "So just relax." "It wasn't your idea, OK?" "Besides, I'm sure it doesn't count if it's not on dry land." "Come on, Conrad." "Are you gonna strap me in?" "Or do I have to call for assistance?" "Now, that's just filthy talk." "Merci, Jean." " De rien." "You shine on camera." "Thank you." "I think, though, we have to work on the accent." "Yes." "Yes, of course." "Erm, I mean, I would train with a dialogue coach and I have done Italian before." "You are also, I'm afraid, a little old for the part." "Old?" "Of course, make-up and lighting could help there but we have another girl who's the right age and she's actually Italian and she speaks perfect English." "But her... physique is not so... ideal." "I want this part, Signor Prozzi." "I can do it." " I want you to do it, Amber." "I would like to help you." "Yeah." "Whatever you think." "I would like to inject some Italian into you." "Create some authenticity." "Well?" "Your first offer." "Plus an executive seat on the board." "Or no deal." "Sounds reasonable." "I'll call my brokers, set up a meeting with the lawyers." "Take your time." "I've got to clear my client list." "Get rid of any conflict of interest." "You don't know the meaning of the expression." "Bravo." "Every bit the champion, aren't you?" "I've had an off day, all right?" "It's always an off day, Kyle." "You've got to get a grip." "You should be trying to walk." "Every day you put it off..." "Christ, you never stop, do you?" "And you never start!" "Do you know what?" "You're a self-obsessed loser, and you'll never be anything else till you wake up." "Why don't you get out of my face?" "Elaine, I'm sorry." "Oh!" "Oh, my leg!" " Come on, then!" "Come on, Mr Big." " What are you doing?" "You need two legs now, don't you?" "Wanna hit me?" "What?" " You wanna push me around?" "You're meant to help me!" " You wanna play, do you?" "Come on!" "Get away from me." " You are a big prick!" "Stupid wanker!" "Help me up, then." " Help yourself." "And find some other sucker to abuse cos I'm buggered if it's gonna be me." "You're fired!" "Oui, j'arrive." "Hello, sexy!" " Oh, Conrad." "I don't believe it, it's so humiliating." "The bastard director only wanted tit for tat." "You're bloody joking!" "I've come all this way for some Italian prick to tell me to get on all fours and bark like a dog." "It's not funny." "You should have seen the state of him." "You could fry chips in his underpants." "I feel sick." "Where have you been, Tanya?" "Told you." " Yeah." "Mario rang." "He was wondering what was keeping you." "I've been wondering that myself." "Drop it, Frank." "I never said I wouldn't have my own life." "At least you've got a life." "Oh, I'm not angry." "I've got no right." "I'm just done in with it all, Tanya." "You, Hazel, the club." "My knackered body." "It's just..." "I'm just asking you... to be a bit loyal." "OK?" "Oh!" "Look, Frank, I know you're frightened." "I'm sorry." "I've taken Hazel up on her offer." "We'll get the cash and live it up, like you said." "Yeah." "Yeah, we'll have a ball." "I'm not asking you to shag me." "God knows you made yourself clear on that count." "But I am asking you... not to betray me." "I would die... a proud man." "I'm not used to being happy." "I mean, we're mates, aren't we?" "We've always been mates, yeah?" "Yeah." "Yeah, course we have." "Well, keep your knickers on for six lousy months." "Can you do that?" "If not, I want a divorce." "And you'll get nothing." "All you have to do... is play the part of a proper wife till I'm dust." "I changed my will." "Sod my son, you get it all." "When it all comes down to it, we know each other backwards, don't we?" "We always have." "I love you, Conrad." "Course you do." "Who wouldn't?" "What if I am over the hill?" "What will you say when people ask what you're doing with that wrinkled old bag?" "You'll look for someone else." " I don't need anyone else." "That's why I was so upset when you went behind my back with that Tanya bloody Laslett." "It made me feel like you didn't want me any more." "Shh." "It's over, right?" "I know, I know." "I'm sorry." "Come on." "I came to Paris to see you." "Just you and me, yeah?" "And now, I'm gonna pour us something seriously tasty." "You two ladies getting reacquainted?" "I wouldn't bother doing up your flies." "Your whore's waiting for you." "Who are you calling a whore?" " Shut up, bitch!" "This is not my usual uniform." "I'd like to see you with no uniform on at all."