"Frankie:" "Out here in the middle, we know what Christmas is all about..." "Peace, love, and the joy of being with your family." "Unless it's our family." "How did we get here?" "Well, it all started innocently enough." "Got to say, not sure why the gingerbread potato didn't fly." "Nutmeg and chives are actually surprisingly good together." "So, listen, after we're done here, before we go to church," "I want us all to take a picture in mom and dad's bed, wearing Santa hats." "Yeah, I'm not doing that." "Axl, you have to." "I want to post it so that when everyone wakes up, they will see it on Christmas morning." "It'll be iconic." "Who's everyone, and why do they need to see us when they wake up?" "Dad, if you need me to explain it to you, you don't get it." "I don't get it, and I don't want it explained to me." "Well, since it's an iconic family Christmas photo," "I assume you won't need me in it." "We left you off of one Christmas card." "You were a baby." "We made it up to you." "Move on." "Okay, guys, you got to eat faster." "We have 20 minutes till we have to leave because this year, we are leaving by 6:00." "What?" "Church doesn't start till 8:00." "It's already bad enough we got to go." "Why do we got to get there two hours early?" "Because every year, we're late, and I'm not sitting in the overflow room this year." "It's getting embarrassing." "Well, you can forget about the main floor at this point." "We're already in the overflow room." "It's 6:00 now." "What?" "Are you serious?" "My watch says 5:40." "Well, if it's only 5:40, then we have time to take my picture." "You know, ever since this fell in the toilet, it's running slow." "Seriously, it's 6:00?" " I checked the kitchen clock." " Oh, that's the dog clock." "It's always set an hour ahead so I can give Doris her flea medicine." "She stays on central time." "Trust me, it makes sense." "Uh, no, that's not ahead anymore, remember?" "You had me change it back because it kept making us early." " So, what time does the microwave say?" " Same as always." "That one only always says 2:00." "No, you got to know how to read it." "Just 1, 2, and 3 are 2:00." "The sixes and zeros work, and the second time it flashes 2:00, it's really 4:00." "Will someone just tell me what time it is?" "!" "Is it dog time or microwave time or toilet time?" "Let's just get out the phone book and call time." "Nobody calls time, grandpa." "Nobody's called time since time started." "Oh, my God, I have a phone." "It's 6:48." "Okay?" "Chill." "Gooo!" "Okay, people, you know the drill!" "Mike, you'll drop us off and park in the overflow lot." "Axl, you run in and lay yourself across the pew, saving seats until Brick comes there with the coats, and this time, actually save the seats." "Don't give it away to old people." "The guy was a World War II veteran!" " You say no to that!" " Oh, anybody can buy one of those hats and say they were in the war." "Now, while dad is parking and Axl and Brick are saving seats," "Sue and I will sweet-talk the choir director to get a bead on whether they're gonna open the choir vestibule." "If they're gonna open it, I will give a signal." "We will split into two groups, grab the coats, and plow our way to the staircases." "I don't want to sit in the vestibule." "If we get the vestibule, you're going in the vestibule." "Oh!" "Damn it!" "Please don't let us end up in the second overflow room!" " Dirty." "Dirty." " Dirty." "You know, it's just not fair." "The people who never go to church squeeze out the people who sometimes go to church." "Look at us, Mike." "What are we doing?" "Even if we get out the door right now, it's gonna be a nightmare." "We're gonna end up in the second overflow with the cinder-block walls." "To be honest, it's like church jail." "Maybe we should just not go." "Are you serious?" "'Cause once this thing's off, it's off." "Yeah." "I'm calling it." "Guys!" "Get in here!" "Your mom says we don't got to go to church this year." "Not go to church?" "Can we do that?" "Maybe we should ask God for a sign." "Here's our sign, Sue." "Ho ho!" "Awesome!" "It's been real." "See you guys new year's day!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Just 'cause I said we're not going to church doesn't mean we're not going to church." "There's plenty of channels that offer a Christmas Eve service, so we'll stay at home and watch it on TV." "Okay." " And everybody wears pants!" " Axl:" "Come on, guys!" "It's starting!" "You don't want to miss this!" "I found us a good one." "It's from Atlanta." "Okay, Gatorade for the wine and wheat thins for the wafers." "This is gonna work." "I tell you, Frankie, I have never been happier." "No need to get me anything." "Not wrecking my back sitting in those pews all night is the only present I need." "This may be the best idea you've had" " since you said, "no fourth kid."" " Mm." "Actually, I said, "no second kid."" "You know, Axl, you still owe me $2.13 for mom's present." "Yeah." "I'm a little tapped out right now, Brick." "I'll get you back later." "You say that every year." "In fact, I don't think you ever paid up for last year, so you actually owe me $4.26." "I owe you?" "That's hilarious." "I was the one who, way back in kindergarten, picked out the perfume cat, which turned out to be her favorite thing in the world." "In fact, you're lucky I ever even brought you in on this thing." "Sue's been wanting in on it for years, but I said, "no." "It's a brother thing,"" "and this is how you repay me?" "Fine." "You don't want to pay?" "I'll just say it's from me." "Unh-unh." "You think you're gonna cut me out now?" "You wanted in on the big-boy gift," "I let you in on the big-boy gift." "In fact, now that I think about it, you owe me." " What?" "!" " Yeah." "I never even asked you for money till you were at least... 7, so, technically, you owe me money, plus interest." "Yeah." "It's a business term." "Look it up." "Oh!" "No, no, no!" "Don't sit." "Rise for the pastor." "He's coming in." "He's coming in." "Nobody can see us." "God can see us." "If we're gonna get credit for this, it has to be legit." "We have to treat it with the same solemnity as we do regular church." "Pastor:" "You may all be seated." "A reading from the gospel of Luke, chapter..." "You don't have to worry about the remote, Mike." "This is the one we're watching." "I just want to hold it." "Why are we whispering?" "Whispering." "We're in church." "Okay, at the next commercial break, can we please do the photo?" "Shh!" "I'm not doing the photo." "Brick, you're in, right?" "I can count on your support for my photo?" "I'm thinking about it." "I will drive you to the library three times." "70." "70?" "How did you get from 3 to 70?" "70." "Fine... 4." "71." "Come on!" "72. 73." "Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine!" " 68, and that is my final offer." " Sold." "All right, I've got Brick on board." " Mom, you're in, right?" " Sure." " Dad?" " Uh..." "I'll do it, but only if I get to stay here." "What?" "Wait, so we're just gonna sit on a couch and wear Santa hats?" "Yeah, that makes sense." "Just get it over with, and she'll stop talking about it." "If I smother her with a pillow, she'll also stop talking about it." "Come on, Axl." "The whole family's doing it." "If you're not in the picture," " everybody is gonna think you're dead!" " Good!" "This is the gospel of the lord." "Ah!" "Commercial!" "Okay, come on, hecks!" "Let's do this!" "I'll do your laundry." "No tagging..." "Facebook, not Instagram." "I get final photo approval, and as for the laundry, I prefer fabric softener on anything that touches my business." "Okay." "Now, dad, you go next to mom, and then Axl..." "No, wait, and then Brick." "Commercial's not that long, Sue." "Okay, then we will go oldest to youngest, but I'm in the middle." "Okay, all right." "We're almost there!" "And one for you..." "You know, Axl, I still want my money for the gift." "I want my money for the gift." "Maybe I'll just forget this unholy alliance and get her my own gift." "Hey, if you can come up with a better idea than perfume cat, then be my guest." "And, dad, you get a super, super special one!" "Are you excited?" "Nah." "I don't want to wear a hat." "Okay, what would you say if I told you yours said..." ""Daddy-o"?" "I would say I'm definitely notwearingahat ." "Oh!" "Oh!" "I forgot Doris!" "No, no." "No Doris." "If she sits on anything with give, she pees." "I'm not far behind." "Okay, okay." "While we're young." "Lookin' good, people!" "Okay." "I know!" "I am gonna caption this "Happy Heckidays"!" "Okay, smile!" "Frankie:" "So, we might have looked happy, but it didn't stay that way." "Sue!" "Brick!" "Get back here and finish church!" " ♪ Glory to God ♪" " Sue:" "I'm almost done." "I'm still listening!" "♪ Glory to God in the highest ♪" "Just finishing uploading the picture." "♪ And peace to his people on Earth ♪" "Okay, if they don't have to be here for this," "I'm going to the bathroom." "I just chugged some of your communion juice, and I got to pee!" "Where is everybody going?" "Sue, get back!" "You're gonna miss the "peace be with yous"!" "Mike!" "God would not have created the remote if he did not want me to use it." "Is that our cat perfume?" "Why is it in such a big box?" "Well, I could only find one big piece of wrapping paper, and I'm not allowed to cut, so I had to find a big box." "Oh, ho!" "I know what you're doing." "You were waiting for me to go to the bathroom." "Then you were gonna give it to her like it's just from you." "Gee." "I hadn't thought of that, but thanks for the idea, idea man." "Enjoy the bathroom." "Give me the present." "Until I get my $4.26, it's mine." "We have a present for you from both of us." "Even if only one of us paid for it." "Or if it was one of our ideas." "Wow!" "What is this?" "It's so big!" "Okay, I guess you guys are old enough for me to tell you this now." "Every year, you'd get me that cat perfume, and I'd "ooh" and "ahh" over it, and it was so sweet of you." "But the truth is, it smelled awful." "I have 12 of 'em stashed behind the frosting in the garage." "You really never liked it?" "'Cause every time you went out somewhere, you always said you would put on your purrisian nights." "And you used to pet the velvet and say how you always wanted a cat." "You guys!" "Oh, I was kidding!" "Oh, bad joke." "I just said I didn't like it because I was worried that you got me something different, and I didn't want you to feel bad that you didn't get me the cat perfume that I love." "But phew!" "You did, and I love it." "I love it so much!" "Did you know she hated it?" ""Hate's" not a strong enough word." "Sue:" "Oh, no." "Brick, could I see you a minute?" "You know..." "You should've just told me you didn't like it." "You think I care about whether or not I make you happy?" "I mean, it's got a..." "Pearl necklace." "Did you see that?" "Wearing the pearls." "Axl?" "Can you come in here a minute?" "I saw the big box." "I thought it was the fuggs I wanted." " Fuggs?" " Yeah, they're the knock-off uggs." "They make 'em out of old tires." "Did you not even read my list?" "Can I just change it to the football game?" "We got a loose handle on the whole Jesus story." "I think we're good." "What's going on in here?" "Sue has something to tell you, and keep in mind... we're in church." "Okay, okay, see, I-I-I was uploading the..." "The... the bed pictures onto the computer, and something happened, and they're gone." "Well, I'm sorry, Sue." "We're not taking another picture." "Now, come on." "Your dad's got an itchy trigger finger with the remote." "Uh, no, I-I mean, they're all gone..." "like, all the pictures." "Oh." "Well, that's a bummer." "How many pictures did you have on your camera?" "No, not just the camera." "Like..." "All the pictures on our computer that we've ever, ever taken are gone!" "What?" "!" "No!" "They have to be there!" "Where are they?" "Where are they?" "Mom, you can't just hit random buttons." "We already tried that." "Okay, wait." "Our computer is old." "We just have to unplug it, wait five seconds, then plug it back in." "All: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5." "Okay, wait." "One more second just to be safe." "Go." "I didn't do anything weird." "I promise." "I just plugged the camera into the cable, like always." "I just wanted to Photoshop a Santa hat onto dad." "It was just the way I saw it!" "It's gonna be fine, Sue, because this is gonna work." "Frankie:" "It didn't." "1...2..." "All: 3... 4..." "All: 28... 29... 30!" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" "Mike?" "!" "They're gone!" "They're gone!" "Every picture we've taken for the last seven years is gone!" "What are you talking about?" "You have backups, don't you?" "No, they were on the computer, and now they're gone!" "Listen, I keep hearing about a cloud." "Do we have a cloud?" "Just the black one over our heads." " Axl:" "We don't have a cloud!" " Well, can we get one?" "!" "We need to buy one right now." "Oh, my God, everything is gone..." "Sue's graduation, Axl's graduation," "Sue's birthday, Axl's birthday!" "Not hearing a lot of Brick." "Do something besides read, and we'll take your picture." "Sorry." "I'm just too panicked to coddle you right now." "Wait... do not tell me the photo where I ran up against the wall and did that perfect flip was on there!" "It's only the most awesome photo ever taken, and I'll never be able to do it again!" "Ohh!" "You really Sue'd this one up, Sue!" "Well, it's not my fault, Axl!" "You know, if we had the original cord that came with the computer..." "But no!" "You had to take it up to college." "So now mom and dad have this cheap knock-off Mr. Cord, so when I plugged it into the computer, it said," ""this device is not supported by your cord"!" "It's not the cord!" "It's the computer!" "Disney World!" "I told your dad and I told your dad we needed to get a new computer." "Yet, the man who knows nothing about computers said this one is fine!" "Don't try to blame this on me." "I don't even know why we need a damn computer." "Oh, no!" "My "Winds of War" book!" "I took a picture of every page and uploaded it to the computer, and now you're telling me it's gone?" "!" " Why would you do that?" " Well, I hadn't read it yet, and you guys are always on me about late library fees." "It took me four solid days." "How many times have I said to print them out, Frankie?" "Just print them out." "Gee, that's really helpful right now, Mike." "Thanks!" "Actually, it would've been nice to have a printed version of all the pages I took pictures of." "That's called a book." "I'm gonna be sick." "Look, you only need six pictures in life, anyway..." "Born, first day of school, first car, married, first kid..." "Funeral." "What about second kid?" "Or third?" "Babies look like babies." "Babies!" "Where are the baby pictures?" "Where are the picture from eight years ago and before..." "Before they all went digital?" "You lost those, too?" "!" "No, no, no, wait." "I think I have them in a box somewhere." "Like a-a knock-off stride rite box from when you kids were little." "I think it was, like, stride mite, stride tite?" "Oh, my God, I haven't seen it in forever." "We got to find that box!" "Okay, it's red or blue." "Everybody, just start looking!" "Really, Frankie?" "Are we really gonna do this now?" "It's Christmas Eve, and you're running around, making yourself a wreck over some pictures." "Relax." "Nobody's dead." "Yes, they are!" "15-year-old Sue is dead!" "She's gone, and we'll never set eyes on her again now." "And what about 10-year-old Axl, when he was sweet and he liked me?" "He's gone, too." "There were thousands of pictures, Mike..." "thousands!" "Of this family?" "!" "Why?" "!" "I don't get it." "It's like you're trying to archive for some museum that's never gonna be built." "Unless you're a president or a serial killer, nobody cares!" "I care!" "She cares!" "I can do it again!" "Somebody grab a camera!" "Mike:" "This is dumb." "I don't even know what I'm looking for!" "Damn it!" "The greatest moment of our lives, and now it's lost to the world forever." "The light was streaming in through the hall and backlit my hair while I was flipping!" "Stop talking about you, Axl!" "It's not about you!" "Oh, yeah, let's talk about you!" "Why is dad looking down here?" "I should be covering everything 5 feet and below!" "Really, Mike?" "!" "I need you to look on top of the hutch, over the fridge... high places, high!" "I can't believe you never liked perfume cat." "Not the time, Brick!" "Ohh!" "The marines at Thanksgiving." "It's not my fault!" "It's technology's fault!" "Who the hell comes to the door on Christmas Eve?" "!" "What kind of person... ♪ Joy to the world ♪" "♪ The lord is... ♪" " Where is the box?" "!" " That's right!" " It might not even be a box." " It could be a bag." "I don't know!" "Just keep looking!" "God, if we don't have computer pictures and we don't have picture pictures, we have nothing!" "Our history is gone!" "I can't remember anything without pictures!" "What did I eat for breakfast today?" "See?" "Gone!" "Oh, God, could I have thrown it away when we did that spring cleaning a couple years ago?" "That would be so typical of me!" "Other people have a system, and I don't have a system, and now it's gone!" "Mom, it's not your fault." "Yes, it is." "This whole damn house is just a system failure." "That computer has not been backed up for 67 weeks!" "I just kept hitting, "remind me later."" "Everything here is "remind me later."" "We live a "remind me later" life." "Oh, my God, what is wrong with me?" "!" "I can't store pictures properly." "I don't appreciate cat perfume from my children." "I have got to do a better job!" "It's okay, mom!" "I found it!" "I found it!" "It was in the garage!" "Oh, thank God!" "Old people magazines?" "Nooooo!" "They're gone!" "Everything is gone!" "It's as if we never existed!" "Oh, sure, I kept two copies of the John Travolta "look who's talking" edition but not our family memories!" "Do you want me to throw this out?" "No." "I can't believe it." "My great-grandkids are not gonna know me as young and pretty..." "Just old and gross!" "What?" "!" "No, mom, you're pretty." "You're so pretty!" "We'll describe your beauty to our kids." "I can write about it." "I wrote a good sentence once." "I-I just..." "I can't even speak!" "Dad!" "Are you gonna do something?" "Nope." "Do you not hear her?" "!" "Do you not hear your wife?" "!" "Why are you just sitting there?" "!" "Look, I have been through this too many times..." "The drama over stupid stuff." "The baby clothes, the solar-powered calculator." ""I lost my phone." "I left my purse in the road." "My car is missing"..." "Only, it's parked behind the building." ""The bachelor picked the wrong girl!"" "I just..." "I I can't." "I'm done." "I got nothing to give." "Hey, mom." "Hey, hey." "Shh, shh, shh, shh!" "Look." "I have a camera." "Yeah." "We'll take new pictures." "See?" "Just like... yeah." "Frankie:" "So, it wasn't looking like the happiest of heckidays this Christmas, but God bless the kids for trying to save it." "It's bad, Axl." "It's real bad." "I've never seen her like this." "Hey!" "Uh..." "How you doing, mom?" "You, uh, still crying, huh?" "Hey, uh, you want to hug me?" "You like to hug me, right?" "I'll let you hug me." "Come on." "Hey, you want to ruffle my hair?" "I just washed it yesterday." "Huh?" "Okay, this is not like the time they forgot her curly fries." "This is bad." "She wouldn't even hug me." "Hey, mom." "You know, when I'm distraught," "I find that there's always a passage in "Planet Nowhere"" "to make me feel better." ""Chapter 3." "Zortof arrived at the cave of knowledge to find it walled over with moss." "You have to fix this!" "Yeah!" "Fix her!" "You're the father!" "If you're not gonna provide us with a lavish lifestyle, the least you can do is fix mom!" "It's true." "I just found out we're on the poverty line." "There's a chart at college, and in Monaco, we are way below it!" "She's in bad shape." "When amenjula the moth emperor revealed the secret passage to the new cave of knowledge, she just laid there like a silligan!" "How are you just sitting there?" "!" " Do something, please!" " She's your wife!" "How am I supposed to fix it?" "!" "If the pictures are gone, then the pictures are gone!" "Brick:" "Please!" "Comfort her!" "You need to be compassionate!" "She's your wife!" "Comfort your wife!" "Ow!" "Damn it!" "Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!" "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" "Run, Sue!" "Run to the bathroom with the lock that works!" "There isn't one!" "What the hell is wrong with you?" "!" " Sue:" "Aah!" " Has everyone lost their minds?" "!" "It would be nice if this family had one Christmas..." "Brick:" "Oh!" "The cat perfume!" "Ho!" "God!" "Frankie:" "Clearly, we're a family that needs church." "And on Earth, peace and goodwill toward all." "But..." "How can we truly achieve peace on Earth?" "Frankie:" "Unfortunately, we got there late." "So we were in the third overflow room, which is conveniently located in the church nursery." "Frankie:" "Yep, so, we pretty much hecked up our Christmas Eve, but in the light of morning, things always look a little better." "I'm cold." "Can we close the door now?" "Is the smell gone?" "My eyes burn a little less now." "Actually, Frankie, I got you something else." "Really?" "What could be better than a set of 5-pound travel weights?" "Ah, I got a good feeling about this one." "Oh, my God!" "Oh!" "It's the old pictures!" "Oh, my God!" "I forgot I put them in the "Soul Train compilation" box!" "Oh, Mike!" "Where did you find them?" "I stayed up after you went to bed, and I found the "Soul Train" box stuffed into a Barbie penthouse box" " in the basement." " Aww!" "Wait... where are the "Soul Train" CDs?" "Easy, girl." "Sorry I couldn't get the ones off the computer, but, you know, I still call time, so..." "Aww!" " Here's Sue as a baby." " Aww!" "Oh!" "And here's Axl." "Is this one of me?" "Sure." "What are pictures, anyway?" "Little moments of time you freeze so you can save them forever." "But sometimes, the memories that really stick with you are the ones you'd rather forget."