" Hey." " Hey!" "I thought you were working late." "I was." "But this patient of mine, Mr. Weathers" " He died today." "But hey, he left me his Purple Heart." " God, I'm sorry." " Me too." "But it was a long time coming." "Really long." "Oh, I so wanted to see you tonight." "At the end, I was, like, go to the light already, Mr. Weathers." "God, I really want to see you too, but I--I can't, I" "I sort of have plans with Bowie" "And I" "I'm totally free." "What do you wanna do?" "* Burger night * *It's all right I'm gonna eat a burger*" "* Burger night That is right * * You're gonna buy my burger * *" "I lost a bet to Bowie." "And?" "Go ahead." "It's part of the bet." "You gotta say it." "* I'm gonna buy your burger *" "Not just a burger." "The burger." "The $29 hamburger." "Oh, my God, I've read about that burger!" "It's supposed to be incredible." "It's meat stuffed with, like, other meat." "I am so pumped." "I haven't eaten in 24 hours so as not to offend the burger by having anything else in my stomach once it gets there." "Okay, okay." "But we're playing right into their hands." "They think if they distract us with overpriced burgers, we'll forget about the assaults on our freedom, the manipulation of the media, the still unaccounted-for nuclear material" "Neh eh eh eh." "Who's "they"?" "What?" "In your little burger conspiracy, who's the "they"?" "Indeed." "Please come with us so I have someone to talk to at dinner." "Committed season 1 episode 11 The Burger Episode" "How great is this?" "Finally getting a chance to hang." "Whee!" "Ooh!" "Are you okay?" "Well, thanks to you." "When someone says "whee," obviously they're gonna jump." "It's okay." "You'll know for next time." "Okay." "Sorry." "So where is this burger place anyway?" "Across the street from the record store." "Where we were three blocks ago." " Hey there's an ATM." " Not his branch." "You could just use a credit card." " He won't." "Hey." "If you start putting all your information out there, you might as well start using your real name at the doctor's office." "No thanks." "I'm off the grid." "Nate Solomon is out of the matrix." "Out of your mind is more like it." "Can I talk to you for a minute?" "Can you just be cool in front of Marni for me, please?" "Nate..." "don't worry about me." "Worry about yourself." "I'm always cool." "Even when I'm trying not to be cool, I'm still kinda awesome." "Nice to meet you." "Good luck with the trial." "Did you know that guy back there, Joaquin, has seven piercings in his tongue alone?" "The only thing he can't eat is couscous." "What?" "Marni, this is New York." "You can't just go around talking to strangers." "You can get yourself killed." "Sure, they might kill ya." "Or they might tell you a really good joke." "I got a cousin who did both." "God, he was funny." "But dangerous." "I just believe if everyone reached out and made an effort to connect to someone they'd ordinarily pass by, then maybe it wouldn't feel like a city of strangers." "That way if you're ever in trouble, you don't have to just yell, "Help!"" "You can yell, "Larry, help!"" "That's a great attitude, Marni." " Walk between us." " Yeah." "Anything you can give." "Anything at all." "What's the best nation in the world?" "Do-nation." " Hello, kind sir." " Hi." "Hi." "Uh, I usually don't do this, but I've been watching you..." "Do you mind if I give you a tip?" "Cup ain't for holdin' soup, bro." "Oh, no, no." "I meant advice." " Advice?" " Yeah," "Have you ever thought that maybe this isn't the best place to be doing this?" "What?" "Asking people for money." "You see, when people come in here, they don't have any money on them." "And when they leave, all they have are 20s." "Are you telling me how to be homeless?" "No, no, I'm just-- I'm just reaching out" "What the hell do you know about being homeless?" " Nothing, nothing." " Maybe I should invite you to my not-home and you could tell me more about it." "Here, let me find a pencil so I can write down my not-address." "Oh, wait-- I left it in my other pants." "Nope." "Look" "All right, all right!" "All right." "There's no need to mock." "I'm just saying it's not practical to be depending on 20s for the bulk of your begging income." "I mean, none of us are gonna give this guy 20s." "You know?" "Am I right?" "Right?" "Am I right here?" "I mean, none of us are giving this guy 20s." "Well, not now, they're not." "Anyway, So I guess you could say I learned about hermaphrodites the hard way." " Well, heh, breakups are never easy." " Mm." "Where's Nate?" "I'm just" "I'm just saying if you were to station yourself somewhere where there were lots of, say, quarters" "Like a Laundromat." "Yes!" "Excellent suggestion." "Like a Laundromat." "Screw you!" "Do you know what kind of freaks hang out at a Laundromat?" "Hey!" "Will you not yell at me in front of the window?" "You said Laundromat." "Not me." "I'm sorry." "But I'm going to have to ask you to leave." "What?" "Hey, hey." "I have a bank card." "This gives me the right to be here, and I will leave when I'm ready." "I'm ready." " How'd it go in there?" " Why?" "What did you see?" "Let me tell you what I don't see." "A $29 burger in my hands." "Can we go?" "That was Tess on the phone." "Anyway, she called to tell me there's some woman crying outside my apartment." "I gotta go back." "No!" "No going back!" "That's further." "Further from the burger." "It's okay, Mrs. Weathers." "Of course you can have his Purple Heart." "I think he wanted you to have it." "Here you go, sweetie." "I know he loved you very, very much." "Okay, you take care." "Call me if you need anything." "Okay, bye-bye." "All righty." "Who's ready for dinner?" "Tess, you off tonight?" "We're going for those $29 burgers." "Oh, 29 bucks." "Sorry, I lost a bundle at nanny poker." "Consuela prayed to Jesus, and pulled the inside straight." "Aw, shoot." "I wanted you to come so you could give me an honest opinion of Nate." "I've lost objectivity since we dry-humped on the couch last Friday." "Anyway..." "Sure, Tess, come with us." "It's my treat." "I just have to go back to the ATM." "Why don't you two go on ahead, get to know each other?" "I'm gonna quick change my top, and Bowie and I'll meet up with you guys." "It'll save time." " Okay." "Bye, Marn." "See ya later." "No, no, no." "Wait, wait!" "How is this plan saving time?" "I'll be out in one second." "I'll get my coat, and we'll go." "No, I'll get your coat." "Anything to get this thing moving." "Ever heard of knocking?" "Hey, so this is the first time you and I have gotten a chance to bond, huh?" "You know what?" "I'm gonna have to stop you right there." "What?" "I love Marn to death, but she's a human lint roller." "She picks up a lot of people in her life." "And if I invested in every one of 'em, that'd take up a lot of my time." "Oh, but don't worry." "You're cute." "I'm gonna tell her it went well." "Oh, there's my ATM." "Oh, no, no, no, no." "Well, well." "Lookee who's back." "Look, can we not do this now?" "I missed you, dude." "Where'd you go?" "Home?" "Marni?" "There's a man in your closet." "Well, if it bothers you, don't go in there." "Who is that guy?" "Your dad?" "Yeah." "Like I grew up with that kind of stability." "Nope." "He's just a dying clown." "A dying clown?" "I am subletting the apartment." "The clown was already living here in the closet when I moved in." "It's a condition of the lease." "He gets to live here until he's--you know, dead." "Anyway, before we go, can I talk to you about something?" "Sure." "Let's talk." "Let's talk all night long." "Invite the clown." "Let's have a slumber party." "Okay, I'm getting kind of an angry vibe off you." "And I'm not sure if it's me or if it's more of a lingering global racial kind of resentment about the whole slavery thing, which, by the way, such a huge rip." "Really." "Horrible." "On behalf of my ancestors, so unbelievably sorry." "I just want to eat." "Listen, what I wanted to ask you is:" "What's the deal with Nate?" "Is he, you know, what he seems?" "That depends." "What does he seem to you?" "You know." "I do." "But I want you to go first." "He's just so" " I don't know..." "Sweet." "He gave me a gas mask." "He calls me in the middle of the night to make sure I'm still alive." "He has my fingerprints on record in his apartment in case I'm ever abducted." "I mean, have you ever heard of a guy doing that for a girl?" "No." "No, I have not." "But I will be mentioning how I feel about it to him." "I'm doing polka dots." "You got anything?" "Oh, hang on." " Can you please open the door?" "Why?" "Is it time for another lecture?" "Forget it." "Forget it." "It's not like I need to spend my time thinking about you and how you could improve your situation." "Even though I do have an excellent idea you might like, if you drop the hostility for a minute.." "You're unbelievable, man." "You should give people change." "W hat?" "See, if you provide the change, gave them back, say, $15 for the 20 they gave you, then you'd have a better chance of making money and you'd be providing a valuable service by giving people smaller bills." "Sure." "Maybe I could get a bowl of mints." "And a business card." "And some nice clothes." "If you stop being facetious" "I'll get a fax machine, and open a checking account." "And take care of the gaping sore on my leg." "I'll get a website." "HomelessChange" "Okay, you know what?" "I'm done being helpful." "I" "Ah!" "It's not so funny now, is it?" "Oh!" "Oh, my God." "Oh!" "He hit me." "He hit me!" "Oh!" " No, no, no, I didn't." "It was the door." " You hit a homeless guy?" " No, no, I was trying to give him advice." " Advice?" " What happened?" " This guy hit a homeless guy." "Oh, my God." " This guy hit a homeless guy?" " No, no, you don't understand." " Boo!" " Boo!" " Boo!" "You're booing me?" "I'm getting booed?" " Boo!" " Boo!" " Boo!" " Nate?" "Marni--- Hey !" "Okay." "This is not what it looks like." "He hit me!" " Boo!" " Boo!" " Boo!" "Kill him!" "Knock his teeth out." " Joaquin?" " Sorry, Marni." "I mean, booo!" " Boo!" " Boo!" " Boo!" "I did not hit him!" "I was trying to help him." "He was asking for 20s when he performs no services." "Nathan, what the hell is the matter with you?" "How come you couldn't just toss the man a dollar like a normal person?" "Handouts are not the solution." "Nate's right." "There's only one solution." " Strawberry and Rocky Road." " And Mint Chip." "See?" "Look how happy he is now." "It's just a fact:" "Nobody can be mad when they're eating ice cream." "Do you have any of that Carb Safe ice cream?" "You're counting carbs?" "What, homeless guy can't be on the South Beach Diet?" "I was off sugar for a while, and then I had a Danish out of the trash." "Had to go back to Phase One." "Burger was acrosthe street from where we started hours ago." "How would it take an hour to cross the street?" "Okay, big boy, you need to calm down." "Here." "Have a sip." "I don't like juice." "Yeah, me neither." "It's bourbon." "I like your style." " This is apple juice!" " What?" "Damn!" "Blue top is juice." "Purple is bourbon." "I gotta make a call." "Marni" "You know I didn't shove that guy." "You believe me, right?" "Well, Nate, I want to." "I mean, you don't seem like the kind of guy who would shove a homeless person." "But then again, the last guy I dated didn't seem like the kind of guy who'd cross the border with a butt full of heroin." "I was just trying to do that thing you like." "You know, the reaching out thing." "But then he wanted 20s, and I had to explain to him that nobody is gonna give that guy a" "You do, don't you?" "I guess we're just different that way." "I didn't do it." "Ask anybody." "I'm a sweetheart." "Yeah, well..." "Hmm." "Okay, Ryan, yeah, now tonight, you're gonna wanna drink lots of water." "Yeah, and if you feel like your little racecar bed is spinning, just put your foot on the ground." "And you might want to have your Snoopy wastebasket nearby." "Nate, control your woman." "She's outside talking to more strangers." "Alors alors prochaine rue tourner à droite et vous le verrez sur votre gauche" " Bonne journée." "Sorry, they're French." "They needed directions." "I sent them" "Oh, no, I sent them nord instead of sud." " I have to go catch them." "What?" " Wait!" "I'll do it." "What?" "Now, hey, hey!" "Hey, hey, hey!" "What are you doing, man?" "I just really want her to keep liking me." "She's beautiful." "And I don't know if you've noticed, but I don't think she's wearing a bra." "Hey!" "No, Ryan, no." "Do not call that cute little girl from Gymboree that you like." "You're just gonna say something you'll regret." "You're welcome." "Yes, you're my best friend too." "Sleep it off, punkin." "Oh, Marni!" "We found your French people, but they kept thinking we were trying to mug them." "So could you explain it to them?" "Oh, appelez la police" " Au secours, Au secours," "Who are they?" " They're your French people." " No, they're not." "You picked up the wrong French people." "Désolé il s'est trompé" "And that concludes our walking tour of New York!" "And the French hate us." "Go figure." "Okay, I think if you ignore the result, and you look at the spirit of what I was trying to do here" "Nate." "You grabbed those poor people and dragged them here against their will for me?" "Am I the luckiest girl in the world or what?" "Yeah?" "Well-- you know, Bowie carried 'em, but" "All right, that's it." "I'm going home." " Bowie, wait." " No." "I've survived the Bronx, the Marines, and two marriages to a possessive devil-woman named Chanel." "And did any of that break my spirit?" "No." "You did." "You and you." "So now I'm going to go home, eat me some crackers, call Chanel and ask her for some booty that I will later regret, and that, too, will be on your heads." "Good night." " All right, Bowie, but we're right here." " What?" "The hamburger place." "It's right across the street." "Well, all right, then." "So what do you think?" "She's great, isn't she?" "Isn't she great?" "You know, Nate, I can honestly say" "I think you guys are perfect for each other." "I hear the pitter-patter of little whackos."