"He was 16!" "Little bastard!" "Why not chuck me out?" "Like Dad when he shagged his secretary?" "Stop obsessing about her." "It's pathetic." "Great, it's a date!" "It's my birthday and you've stood me up!" "I'm sorry." "I just don't know what to do." "You can either have an abortion or have a baby." "Just make your bloody mind up and stop ruining everyone else's life." "I can't get rid of it." "You said you wanted to be involved." "So... you're involved." "Hell." "Language." "Sorry." "Yeearrrgghh!" "Thank you, Graham." "Well done." "Lovely." "Dads, remember, birth is the most intense experience your partners will ever have." "Her body knows what to do." "Your job is to concentrate on what's happening above the neck" "We're going to support, encourage, and reassure..." "You didn't have to come, you now." "No, I wanted to." "Your mum forced you, didn't she?" "Yep." "Oh." "For lunch today." "For your parents to give to my parents." "I think they can bring their own wine." "But this one my dad will actually like." "What makes you think he won't like theirs?" "Because they didn't steal it from his wine fridge this morning." "Look, my dad's tricky." "I don't see why we've got to do it." "Because my mum and dad are insisting, and I want them off my back." "Just show up and..." "try and look responsible." "So, shall we role-play that?" "You." "You're my Daddy." "Oh..." "OK, so contractions are underway and you're going to help me get through it." "OK." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God!" "This hurts so much!" "It's exciting." "The baby's coming." "Arrrgh!" "Aaaarrrgggh!" "Keep breathing." "Just..." "You bastard!" "You bastard for making me like this!" "All right, I'm sorry." "It's too fucking late for sorry!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Aaaah!" "Aaargh!" "OK, um, let's try some controlled breathing." "I don't want to do controlled breathing." "I never want you to ever, ever, ever touch me again!" "Come on, stay with me, reassure me." "Come on." "OK, um, it's going to be fine." "You're doing great and..." "I love you." "Aw!" "Arrrrgh!" "How could you do this to me?" "I'm sorry!" "I didn't mean to!" "It was an accident, the condom wasn't on right..." "OK." "Lovely." "Great." "Why do you do it?" "Why do you humiliate me at every opportunity?" "I'm sorry, but in case you hadn't realised," "I don't know what the hell I'm doing here." "You'd better figure it out." "You're no use to me like this." "Is that what I am now?" "Just a member of your staff?" "Sorry, am I not pulling my weight?" "Let me see what I can do to make YOU feel better." "Let me take that." "Oh, no, Your Majesty, I'll carry it." "No, really." "You seem tired from all your pouting and your sulking." "No!" "Stop!" "Get off!" "Stop fighting with a pregnant woman!" "Fine." "Have the bag." "Heartburn." "Great." "Thanks, Jamie." "Well, obviously I'm no use here, so I'm just going to go." "Jamie!" "What?" "Don't be late." "They hate that." "Yeah, they hate everything." "Do you have to do that now, San?" "No." "You do." "We're going to their house." "Why do we have to vacuum ours?" "Try and support me here, Keith." "Our son got their daughter pregnant." "We have a reputation to repair." "What's that got to do with the bedroom carpet?" "I have to go shopping, I have to go to the hairdressers." "Your hair looks fine." "No it doesn't." "I look middle-aged." "Well, you are..." "I mean, of course you don't LOOK middle aged." "Just do the damn carpet." "Come on, I don't feel great." "You shouldn't go getting pissed with the darts team." "This don't feel like booze." "I had a kebab but it's not that." "Sakir's good as gold." "Yeah, that's why he works the competitive 2am drunk idiot slot." "You're wearing a shirt today." "What about my smart sweater?" "It's not smart and it's not a sweater!" "Hi." "Hey, I just wanted to let you know I can't come round today." "Were you supposed to come round?" "No, but just in case you wanted me to, I can't." "I've got a date." "Oh, OK." "I've got this bloody lunch." "I said yes cos it's not like anyone else is going to ask, right?" "'No, I guess not." "Have fun.'" "I'll be stuck at Laura's parents." "'Yeah, so, that's where I'll be.'" "Out with another... with a guy." "'OK.'" "I'll talk to you later." "Bye." "OK, I'll let you know how it..." "Oh, Beth." "This is a pleasant surprise." "What the hell are you wearing?" "Is that your mother's dressing gown?" "It's a kimono." "They're a unisex garment." "The Samurai wore them." "Not their mothers', they didn't." "Fascinating group, the Samurai." "I've been reading this book on them." "Jesus, Mike, forget the book!" "I wanted to ask you if you wanted to hang out today." "Oh, I see." "And would we be...?" "No." "I'm meeting a guy, but keeping it casual, so we're going in a group." "He brings someone..." "And you bring me?" "What, like a double date?" "Sort of." "Well, I've got a lot on at the moment." "But maybe I could move a few things around, you know..." "You're wearing your mother's underwear and reading about the Samurai." "Take it or leave it." "Well, as the great strategist Miyamoto Miyashi once said," "'To become the enemy," "'You must first see yourself as the enemy of the enemy.' ls that a yes?" "Yes." "I'm coming." "Don't stand up!" "Bloody hell, San, what happened?" "I thought I'd go for a younger look." "What do you think?" "Oh, God, I have to..." "Sooner or later, time to set her straight." "So I sit her down and so I tell her, religion is an entirely human construct." "It has nothing to do with cosmology and everything to do with psychology." "And then I said, 'Look, Mum, 'we're all atheists about most gods in history," "'I just go one god further.'" "God." "What an idiot." "Yes." "Oh, it's great to meet someone" "I can talk to about this stuff." "Yeah..." "Hey, look who it is." "Hey." "Hi, Carrie Ann." "This is Beth." "Hi And..." "Mike." "Hi." "I'm Mike." "Hello, Mike." "Can I sit there?" "Yeah." "Oooh!" "Tight squeeze." "You all right there?" "I'm just having a settler." "Oh yeah, the old mid-morning settler." "Mum, your hair, it's..." "It's nice!" "Go and get ready, Jamie, we're due there at one." "Are you sure we should go?" "Dad's not well, you seem... tired." "I'm fine." "Get ready." "Maybe we should call it off." "Oh no." "No way." "We can't flake out." "We want to be at our best." "Makes sense to let my stomach recover, give your hair a bit of time to grow out..." "Not that it doesn't look great." "We're going." "Right, I'm designated driver, then." "Hello!" "Hello." "Hi." "You must be Alan." "Yes." "Hi." "All right, mate." "Nice to meet you." "You all know Jamie, of course" "Man of the moment." "Hello again, Jamie." "Hi." "Oh, something for the hosts." "Oh, thank you... very much." "Hi." "Hello, love." "Hi." "Hi, Jamie." "Glad you could make it." "Yeah, and bang on time." "Well, let's not stand here all day." "Who'd like a drink?" "Yes!" "Let's go." "Right." "In on the right, uh... yes, through here's fine." "You see, every culture retrieves a primitive version of itself just before its own extinction." "That's happening with religion." "What do you think, Beth?" "I think your ice cream's getting cold." "Oh, right." "So, Mike." "Hmm?" "Beth tells me you're bisexual." "Why..." "Why would she say that?" "Well, I mean, you've had sex with an equal number of partners from each gender, right?" "Er..." "Wow, Mike," "I really like guys that are confident with their sexuality." "It is so attractive." "Yeah, Beth's right." "I'm a bi... bisexual." "In fact," "I'm bi as hell." "Mmm." "It's just a kebab!" "Yeah, that's brilliant." "Did you find it all right?" "Yeah, cheers." "I thought we'd lost you there." "Yeah, I had a bit of trouble opening the window, so..." "So, um, Jamie starts his new job next week." "Don't you, Jamie?" "Yeah." "Yeah, it's just a holiday job stacking shelves." "But he's getting great experience of the working world and earning money." "Yeah!" "The shelf-stacking world." "Stick at it, Jamie." "Soon you could move up to supervising shelf-stackers." "So, what do you do, Keith?" "I'm a manager at a frozen food store." "Right." "What does that entail?" "Er..." "I basically supervise shelf-stackers." "Oh..." "Right." "Sorry." "I think I'm in love." "I've never felt such a connection to a girl before." "She's smart, funny, seems really slutty..." "Beth, can you get rid of Mitchell?" "He's really killing the mood." "He's worse than you." "I think he's pretty impressive, actually." "Really?" "What are you doing?" "Are you..." "looking up a word?" "No!" "Yes, you are." "Oh, Beth, are you sure he's not a bit too smart for you?" "Oh, piss off." "I like him." "He's very..." "It's time I had a boyfriend." "Who the hell is that?" "Hiya!" "Yeah, I meant to have a talk with you..." "He's moving in on Carrie Ann." "I wouldn't worry about him." "What do you mean?" "Look at him." "He's incredibly cool." "Really?" "Yeah." "God, she's bound to go for that." "I'd better get over there." "Right, guys, I'm heading off." "What?" "Why?" "Hi, I'm Aaron." "Yeah, hi." "Why are you going?" "You don't have to go." "I don't want to be the fifth wheel." "The double date..." "Oh." "Well, stay for a bit." "We'll give you the signal if we want some privacy." "Right, Mike?" "Ah-ha-ha!" "Yeah." "Beth, I think your ice cream needs some more sprinkles." "Aaron's my date?" "!" "Good, you're up to speed." "That saves a conversation." "Beth!" "I never specified gender." "It was implied." "The hot girl was there, why didn't you say there was a gay on the way?" "Cos then I wouldn't be enjoying this moment." "Fine." "I'll just have to come out as straight." "I don't think that's an option, Brokeback." "You're bi as hell, remember?" "You're going to have to run with that or Carrie Ann will just think you're a fraud." "So I just thought, "I'm going to go for it.'" "No, it suits you." "I mean, I don't know how you had it before but you look enchanting." "Ah, thanks, Alan!" "I feel about 20." "Sadly, none of us are." "Some of us aren't even 18." "Keep it comin'." "Lovely." "That's OK, Dad." "Jamie doesn't really drink." "Do you?" "Well, one can't hurt." "It's all right." "We try to promote a responsible attitude to drink in our house." "Dad, I can have a glass of wine." "Yeah, right." "Look what happened last time you got leathered." "What?" "Laura was way drunker." "I..." "You were totally wasted." "At least I could remember what you looked like the next day!" "Ah, don't worry about it, love." "Sure we've all been there, haven't we?" "Have we?" "Some of us seem to be heading there right now." "I think I'll get the main course." "Obviously, we won't stop you and Jamie from seeing the child." "But it's more about practicalities." "We would expect Jamie to more than do his part." "I wouldn't count on it." "I think we need to be a little realistic here." "Inevitably, we'll be bearing the burden." "Oh, but Jamie's very keen to be part of every stage." "Every single day." "I'm not sure I want him here every day." "I don't really see how that's possible." "I mean, he can't be just jumping in a cab and earning ever here every time there's a nappy change." "Perhaps we should look at him staying here earlier on." "Oh, now..." "Um..." "No." " I don't think we should..." " No, I can't imagine that." "Surely it's better for the kid to have the father around." "No." "I think what Janet was talking about was the financial burden." "Oh, well, we will help out too and Jamie will certainly be making a contribution." "The car fund we set up for him, that'll go towards it." "I have a car fund?" "Had." "Look, look, you're both parents." "You know it's not about the money." "What would you rather?" "A fancy pushchair, or a father who's going to be there?" "And Janet, I know you're not particularly impressed with my son." "I never even..." "But one, it takes two to tango." "And two..." "Don't judge him until you've got to know him." "Because I can guarantee you now, from this moment on, every day for the rest of his life, he will be dedicated to that little child." "Isn't that right, Jamie?" "Jamie?" "So although I am definitely a bi," "I find that my sexuality goes in phases, so... one week I might be a massive homo... sexual, and then, um, you know..." "I'm into women, like I'm straight." "You're pretty gay now, aren't you?" "Actually, I'm quite hetero." "But soon you'll be man-crazy again." "It's cye-clical." "You mean "cyck-lical."" "Yes, thank you, Mitchell." "You know, I think if you're attractive, you're attractive." "Like, Aaron's gay but he's gorgeous." "Ha-ha!" "Thank you, darling." "Why limit yourself with definitions?" "You can have a beautiful experience with anyone." "It's not the parts." "It's the person, or people." "Interesting theory." "Where can I put these?" "Oh, erm, anywhere." "This is going well, isn't it?" "Can I offer you..." "Oh bloody hell, yeah." "Right." "Hmm." "You all right?" "I don't want to be a granny." "Hmm." "Oh." "I'm sorry, am I interrupting?" "I'll just go check on Keith see how he's getting on." "If you came out to reassure me, forget it." "There is nothing you can say that can convince me it'll be OK." "I am officially freaking..." "Ow!" "You idiot!" "Hmm?" "She seemed upset." "You're amazing, Alan." "Any opportunity." "But she just grabbed me." "That's not what it looked like." "It was accidental." "Do you know what I think?" "There are no such things as accidents." "You need to realise I have just been... just what?" "Just realised this is all a massive fuck-up?" "Well done!" "Have you also realised, Jamie, you've got a way better deal than me?" "That's not true, we've both..." "No!" "No, we haven't both anything." "I've given up so much more." "I'm way smarter than you, I had way more potential." "I was bright." "I was funny," "I was slim, I was pretty, and now look at me!" "I'm just a big fat screaming woman!" "Why must I put up with this every time a woman acts in a friendly way?" "I know that's an alien concept to you..." "No, no, I understand." "Some women are friendly, some are friendly in hotel rooms while you claim to be on a conference." "I've got enough to cope with without being your bloody teen-angst counsellor, so just grow up." "Maybe I don't want to grow up." "It's not fair." "It's a hell of a price to pay for a shag." "Nobody forced you." "You could have stopped at any time." "No, I couldn't." "I'm a teenage boy, you're an incredibly fit girl, and there was a massive bed!" "I had no choice!" "It always comes back to this!" "The biggest betrayal and humiliation of my life?" "Gosh, yes, why does that niggle me so?" "It might be because it stops you looking at yourself and realising what a total bitch you've become!" "How bloody dare you!" "Argh!" "Ah!" "What the fu..." "It's the carving fork." "It was in the fish kettle." "What's it doing in...?" "It's the easiest way to put it away." "It's gone through." "I can't move..." "OK, I'll just pull it out." "I don't think you should pull it out." "ARRGH!" "OK, we'll just leave it in." "Oh, God." "What happened?" "Your mother stabbed me." "It was an accident." "There are no such things, remember?" "Hi, yes, I need an ambulance, please." "Oh, God, Alan." "Does that not hurt?" "Of course it bloody hurts!" "Jamie, quick." "Use your first aid training." "Er, OK." "You should never remove a penetrating object." "That's what I said." "Ambulance is on its way." "We need to elevate the injury above his heart." "Great idea." "I'll prise up the floorboards, you can lift his foot." "Pressure on the wound!" "Put pressure on it." "OOW!" "OK, we'll leave that one." "The only thing left is reassurance." "Can I reassure you on anything?" "You can promise not to do that pressure thing again." "I think I'm just going to go for it." "You're not seriously thinking of having a threesome?" "It might be my only chance to get with a superfreak like Carrie Ann." "Even if you have to go through Aaron?" "I mean literally." "No, I've been thinking about it." "As long as I keep her in between me and him, it won't be gay." "I think it'll be a bit gay." "No, it's like Samurai dealing with multiple opponents." "It's about tactics and positioning I have to gay it up just enough so she doesn't realise I'm actually straight until we're doing it." "All right, bum boys." "Tossers." "What's your problem?" "I don't like homos." "Aaron, come on, leave him." "No, he can't just say that 'What'll you do about it?" "Try and bum me?" "I think we should leave him to it." "It's a gay thing, not a bi thing." "We shouldn't.." "What?" "Yeah..." "Yeah, well, if you've got a problem with him, you've a problem with me." "A partial one, I'm not fully gay..." "But the principle is the same." "Yes, thank you." "Bi, gay, it's all the same." "Here, you fancy trying a real man, darling?" "Hey!" "I am a real man." "And real men don't judge people on who they cheese to be with." "Yeah!" "Yes!" "Whether you're bi like me or a full-on gayer like him, no-one has the right to say who you can or can't be with." "Yeah!" "And if you think different, then you should just piss off and join Al-Queeda." "Is that what you want?" "Do you want to join Al-Queeda?" "Come on." "Don't want to catch... gay." "It's bi!" "And you should be so bloody lucky." "Nice one!" "Yeah, well said!" "OMG!" "Mike!" "Where did you find this guy?" "He's one of a kind." "Mike, that was amazing." "Yeah, it's nothing." "I'm going to go." "There's some crazy chemistry between you two." "I don't want to get in the way." "I don't mind you being in the way." "Are you kidding?" "You are so going to get some tonight." "Seriously!" "You don't have to go." "No." "Mike, this is your night." "Have a wonderful time." "Homophobes always have unresolved latency issues." "It's classic repression." "For God's sake, Mitchell, just give it a rest." "Oh, right." "So, then there were two." "You're awful unsteady there, son." "Easy does it, Mum." "OK." "You all right?" "There we go." "OK," "I think I've got a ten-minute window." "But if we hit traffic, I can't be held responsible." "It's OK, son, I've got her." "OK, love." "Thank you for a wonderful evening!" "We're leaving now, love." "Come on." "Why don't you stay at ours this evening?" "Don't put yourself out." "Look, I'm sorry." "I've been a complete arse and I'm trying not to be a kid about this." "So... come on." "I'll be fine." "I can sort myself out." "I'm sure, but, just for tonight, let me do this." "Please." "Argh!" "Double-check for me, would you?" "All right, if it'll make you feel better." "It will." "Because I can manage." "I know." "Well, help me up, then." "We'll have it out in a moment, sir." "Mum, I'm going to stay at Jamie's." "It was an accident." "It's no big deal." "I can't be around this right now." "It's bad for me." "It's bad for the baby." "One, two, three..." "Argh!" "I really think you're over-reacting, Laura." "Someone take this, please." "No, she isn't." "THIS is not normal, Janet." "Laura, you should go." "Fine." "You do whatever you think's best." "Oh, thank God!" "Laura, I want you to know that you're a lovely girl." "And if my son was going to ruin anyone's life," "I'm glad that it was yours." "That's nice." "Oops." "Oh!" "And don't you mind, love, you're part of this family now." "So, you'll be OK in here?" "Yeah, fine." "So, I'll just be..." "Yeah." "Ah!" "God!" "OK..." "OK."