"Hello?" "." "Pet Rescue?" "." "I'd like to adopt the distressed lurcher," "Oh, yes, it's a very stable home," " Ready?" "." " Yeah," "Oh, yes, plenty of exercise," " What have you done?" "." " You said "Ready"!" "." " I didn't mean pull it!" " Get it down!" "After all he's been through, I think it's a perfect environment," "What's happening?" ".!" "It's all right!" "It's an inflatable promotional device," "Hello?" "." "I'm so sorry, Something just, blew up in my lounge!" "Yes, yes, Hello?" "." "Hello?" "." "Oh, Stuart!" "What have you done?" "." "You can't leave it alone, can you?" "." " Turn it off!" " Always have to meddle," "I just wondered what it was," " Blimey, it looks just like you!" " That is the point!" "(PHRRRT!" ")" "Ooh, it sounds like you as well!" "Stuart, get that thing out of my house!" " I'll put it up in my room," " Out of my house!" " Don't push," " How can I push when I'm in front?" "." "Lugging 20 stone around,!" "It's all right for you - you do it every day!" "I'm not leaving it outside exposed to the elements," "We'll put it in the boot of the GL," "What's the matter now?" "." "Carrying great lumps out of the house - it looks like a body!" "Come on," "It does NOT look like a body!" "Afternoon," "Igor, take care of the cadaver, why don't you?" "." "I'll fetch the car," "It's j-just a joke," "He was," "It's not a real body, I know what you're thinking," "If I'm not a murderer, then why am I denying being a murderer?" "." "Well, that's a very good question," "Why can't I give you an answer?" "." "Well, You're making me nervous with all your questions, frankly!" "No, stop,!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Hold it!" "Stuart!" "Stop!" "Stop!" " Hold it!" " Help!" "I'm being mugged!" " No," " Somebody, help!" "Aaargh!" "What have you done?" "." " Aaaah," " Come in the warm," " Nice cup of tea," " Lie down," "Lee,!" " It's not a body!" " Yes, it is!" "Yeah, but he's not dead yet, Not that we're planning anything!" "He'll be fine, It was just an accident," "Oh," "Here we go, Blimey, you took a bit of a banging there," "I thought I told you to get rid of that thing!" " Aaah!" " Who are you?" "." "What do you want?" "." "It's all right, It's just Heather," " It's the mugger!" " No!" "I'm not a mugger!" "Take my pension book, Just don't push me into any more skips!" " Lee!" " I was trying to save him," "I was trying to save you!" "Some nutcase nearly ran him over, didn't they, Stuart?" "." "That's right!" "But don't worry" " I got his number," " Oh, did you?" "." " If I catch him, he'll get a," "You're not going to take my pension?" "." "No!" "Sorry, I misjudged you," "I'm not as young as I used to be," "These upsets can be very serious at my age," "Well,well, look,um," "Sorry, what's your name?" "." "Frank," "Frank, maybe you can stay here tonight, We can put you in," "In Lee's room!" "Just a moment," "Why can't he have the spare room?" "." "It's not a spare room - it's Dad's room, all ready for his release from that dreadful place," " Prison," " Ssh!" "Nobody must go in, It's got all his secret, secret things," "Like the gold bullion from the Brinks Mat robbery," "And Shergar!" "He has not got Shergar up there!" "I've checked," "I don't want to be any trouble," "I'll go to the hospital and tell them everything," "They'll give me a bed," "No, look, I'm sure my room will be fine," "Ah," "Come on," "If we get a doctor in, they'll want to know about the skip," "Yes, And the hitman in the Granada," "Most people decorate their radiators with an AA badge, not an OAP!" " You're not even insured, Stuart!" " Neither are you," "Pedestrians don't need to be insured," "YOU bloody do!" "Come on," "Hello!" "Ah,Oh!" "I mean you no harm," "How are you?" "." "Oh,I'm all right, thank you," "I-I'll be going off soon," "We'll get a doctor for you," " No doctors!" " No doctors!" " I don't like doctors," " Let me make you comfortable," "Ah!" "Oh, no, me back!" " Lee, careful!" " I don't want another operation!" " No, You just need to rest up a bit," " Stay there," " As long as you like," " What?" "." "Oh, I'm going to be a terrible burden to YOU!" "No, no," "You're a lovely,burden," "If there's anything at all you need, don't hesitate to ask, and I feel sure Lee will be more than happy to get it for you," "If you'll excuse me, my pet programme's started," "Is there anything I can get you now?" "." "You couldn't pass me my,um," "Shirt?" "." "Your hat?" "." "Daily Mail," "Yes, here you are," "I'm halfway through this story about a man who had an accident, sued for damages, What a greedy man!" "Millions he's after!" " Oh, such people in the world," " Em, Frank," "Is there's anything we can do now?" "." "Just name it," "How about a cup of char?" "." " A cup of tea!" " As good as done," " Em," " Yes, Frank?" "." "Could I have a little biscuit?" "." " Absolutely!" " Hobnobs," "The bottom layer hasn't even been started yet," "If you're hungry, Lee could cook you a meal," "Yeah?" "." "Stuart's got a steak-and-kidney pie in the fridge," "Yeah (!" ")" "Lovely, I like that, Thank you," " Em," " What do you want now?" ".!" "Sorry," "My battery car, Can you get it indoors?" "." "It might get stolen," " As good as done," " On our way," "Yes," "Steer it!" "You've got the handlebars," " It's all backwards," " Mind the," "What's the matter with you?" "." "Stuart, I'm worried, I'm really worried," " Me, too," " Yeah?" "." "It could get a puncture out here, One woodpecker could do it," "Let's get this thing upstairs," "Cover it up with this, ,And get rid of that!" "Whoa!" "Heather!" "You bumped your head on the switch!" "Stop this thing!" "Help!" "Good evening," "Silly me!" "I was going the wrong way," "Your hedge needs cutting," "Oh,!" "(CAR ALARM)" "Bloody couch!" "(CAR ALARM)" "Oh,!" "One, two, three, four," "(CAR ALARM)" "Right, that's it," "Where is it?" "." "Yes, yes, here we are," "Yes," "Ah,!" "(LULU) # We-e-e-e-e-ell" "# You make me wanna shout," "# Come on!" "Come on,!" "#" "(KNOCKING)" "(SWITCHES OFF RADIO)" "(WEAKLY) Come in," "Good morning," "Oh, hello, How are you today?" "." "I feel better, I'll be on my way, OH!" "Ah!" "No, no, no,oh, no, I'm not as clever as I thought," "We'll have to get you a doctor," "No, I'll be fine," " Yes," " OK," "Em," "I think I want to go now," "Oh, yes?" "." "I'll get your trousers," "No, I don't mean I want to go," "I mean I want to GO," "Oh," "I'll, um, I'll just,go and put the kettle on," " Yes," " I'll warm up the frying pan," " I'll," "Are you all right?" "." "Here we go," " Ah," " Oh, look, Here we go," "I'll get the seat up," "There you go, Let me just,there you go," "Quick!" "Teeth!" " Huh?" "." " Me teeth!" "Well, what,?" "." "Well, I'll," "There we go!" "I can't put them back after they've been down there!" " I'll clean them, I'll boil them!" " Boil them?" ".!" "You can't boil teeth!" "They'll go all thoft!" "Will they?" "." "Yeth, Yes!" "I'll clean every little bug, I'll clean them of all known germs," "And the unknown ones, germs science doesn't know about, I'll eradicate them, All right?" "." "I think I'll thit down, It'll be easier," "Yeah, no danger of dripping," "I'll clean your teeth, All right, Frank?" "." "Me trousers," "Well, what,?" "." "Yes, Yes, yes," "Yes, all right, Yes, yes, Is it this cord?" "." "There you go, All right?" "." "(HE URINATES)" "Oh, isn't it nice, when you really want to go?" "." "(HE CONTINUES)" "(HE STOPS)" "(HE STARTS AGAIN)" "(HE STOPS,)" "(,AND STARTS, THEN STOPS)" "(AND STARTS AGAIN, BRIEFLY)" "(THEN STARTS AGAIN)" "(AND CONTINUES)" "Is there a tap on in here?" "." "Coming up on Animal Rescue, the vet who restored the power of speech to a parrot," "What are you doing?" "." "Frank wants to watch Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" "." " Where's my mobile?" "." " Frank's got it," " He's the Phone a Friend," " Great (!" ")" "Don't get the ache!" "You didn't have to take him to the bog!" "I was in there for 40 minutes!" "We've been traipsing round Sainsbury's for two and a half hours" "looking for semolina and Polyfilla!" "Polygrip!" "You'll ruin his teeth!" "There's nothing wrong with him, I want him out of here," " No!" " And get that thing out my garden!" "Now, Frank, I'll be frank, Frank," "Oh, I'm so ashamed, Lee, I was in the war, you know," " Now, come on," " The Korean War," " Korean War?" "." " They called it the forgotten war," "I ain't forgotten it," "I was a hero, And now, in me old age, I've come to this - sponging on a decent chap like you," "Oh, you are decent, You took me in, fed me, sterilised me teeth, put me on the loo," "Well, there's no need to make too much of that, is there?" "." "And I repay you by sponging off you," "Well, don't you worry, I'm going!" "What happened?" "." "I was straight with him, "Frank," I said," ""You're out the house!" " "Soon as you're feeling better,"" " Lee!" "He's a nice bloke, really," "He died in the war for us!" "That's it, I'm getting rid of him," " What about,?" "." " And that as well!" "I'll be frank, Frank, Heather told me to tell you this, It's not me," " She's mad 'cause she didn't get a dog," " You are an honourable man, Stuart," " You remind me of my son," " Don't soft-soap me," "I wouldn't, I have far too much respect for you," "And for my son, He threw me out knowing he wouldn't inherit my money," "That's all very well, Frank, What?" ".!" "(STUART WHISTLES)" "Well?" "." "Oh, men!" "Right!" "I got rid of it, Don't worry," "You're quite right, darling," "You don't need an old stray," "Not an old, miserable, restless stray, with no one to take me for long walks in the park, feed me my din-dins or wrap me up in a warm blanket," "(SOPPY MUSIC)" ",Or stroke my snowy white hair," "Grandpops is staying forever!" "Grandpops?" ".!" "Wakey-wakey," "Here's your special semolina, just how Grandpops likes it," "Ah, you're a darling!" "Stuart's popped down to the library for me," "Did you get my prescription?" "." "Yes, it's in the bathroom," "Shall I,?" "." "I'll fetch it?" "." "Yeah," "Frank, here's some semolina," " I've had it!" " No, you haven't," " I bloody have," " You're getting forgetful!" "Now, you're lucky you've got me," "But I expect no reward whatsoever, Now, open your mouth," " Ah!" "Me paper!" " Eh?" "." "Get me me paper, It has an article on making wills," "Wills, yeah, I'll get that for you," "Oh, tut-tut-tut!" "Who's been a bad, bad boy?" "." " Eh?" "." " Who hasn't eaten it up?" "." " I don't want any more!" " You do," "No, no, no, no!" "Turn on your tum and I 'll rub in your special ointment," " Have you heated it?" "." " What?" "." " It has to be heated," " Right," "(KNOCKING)" "Come in!" "Is it nice and warm?" "." "Well, rub it in, then," "Go on, then!" "Rub it in!" "There's a darling," "Don't be shy," "I only wanted you to do it, not the other two," "AAAAAAAH!" "You mustn't leave, Frank," "If you wandered off and I didn't know where you were, where would we be?" "." " I feel bad," " No, I feel bad," "No, I really feel bad," "No, I feel bad!" "You wanted to leave because I neglected you," " No!" " Yes, it is!" "I've been a selfish, selfish, selfish, selfish bitch!" "From now on, I'm going to be with you 24 hours a day!" "I must get away," "Yes, we must, Just you and me, Frank," "Ta-ra!" "I knew you'd be excited," "Fun-filled Frinton!" "There's bowls and tea-dancing," "There's a hearing-aid centre we could visit," " And there's trains every hour," " Aah!" "Or we could go by coach," "It might be more fun to go by coach, Frank, mightn't it,Frank?" "." "(HISS)" "He's dead!" "What do you mean, he's dead?" "." "What do you mean, what do I mean?" ".!" "I was talking to him about fun-filled Frinton and he went, "Aah,"" "You phone for a doctor, We'll check on him," "He's probably having a kip," " What did you put it in here for?" ".!" " She said get rid of it," "You got rid of him!" "Frank!" "Frank!" "He is, you know, He is," " We've killed him," " Calm down, It's all right," "Fill that space in now," ""For splattering pensioners on your Artex!"" " What are you doing?" "." " Looking for a will," "When do you suppose he made that?" "." "On the way up to the ceiling (?" ")" "We won't get anything!" "I'll tell you what we'll get - life!" " We'll be weaving baskets," " Help me get rid of it, then," "Hurry, Doctor, hurry!" "He's upstairs, This way, this way," " Come on!" "Harder!" " YOU try harder!" "Get the air out!" "Ah!" "We're with Riverdance!" " This is Michael Flatley," " Look," "We're just practising," " Well?" "." " What did the doctor say?" "." "He's still dead," "I must say, he's very good, that doctor, isn't he?" "." "It was his heart," "Brilliant!" "We're in the clear," "In the clear?" ".!" "I've got a dead body in my bed!" "Just one dead person in my bed and I'm wide awake all night, mate!" "What do we do about poor Frank?" "." "Dirt Nap Dave!" " Who's Dirt Nap Dave?" "." " High-class undertaker," "We can't put him in a bin bag and bung the dustman a fiver!" " He'll get a good sending off," " And what about this thing?" "." "I'll sort that out," "Right now, I've got a funeral to arrange," "For He knows of what we are made, He remembers that we are but dust," "We flourish like a flower of the field," "When the wind blows over it, it is gone, and its place will know it no more," " Frank Lewis?" "." " No, he's in there," "Heart attack," "Are you a close family member?" "." "I don't think so, I would have remembered you," "He meant the deceased, you div!" "No, mate, we're just acquaintances," "To whom can we turn for help but to you, Lord,?" "." "Were you, um, close to Frank?" "." "Three months he was with me," "Had me taking him to the toilet three times a day, nicked my battery car and ran up three grand of bills!" "We're here to check he's really dead," "A-hem!" "We are gathered here today in the presence of the Almighty, to bid farewell to our dear departed friend, Frank Lewis," "(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)" "Thanks, mate, I've been looking for that," "Hello?" "." "Hello, Chris!" "Yeah, well," "What?" "." "You've only got 30 seconds?" "." "I'll hand you straight over to Frank, then," "Hello?" "." "Fine, thank you, Chris," "Yes, it was a bit of a surprise," "Yes, you've got Malcolm there, yes, Yes, yes, OK," "It's a bit embarrassing at the moment, Yes, OK," "Who had a hit with The Birdy Song in 1981?" "." "Please, this is all wrong," "Get lost, you blond fool!" "Now,I think we should all have a moment's silence as a mark of respect for the deceased," "(HISS)"