"I had one of the best evenings ever." "Go on." "What Happened?" "What a beauty she was." "What a gorgeous girl." "Mm!" "Her name was Michelle." "Michelle, that's one of my favorite names." "Really?" "From now on I'll call you Michelle." "SCHULTZ:" "Now wait a minute." "Don't stop him." "What happened then?" "What a beauty she was." "And she had this marvelous bottle of vintage champagne just waiting for me." "Ooh." "After all this time, it's amazing, the words are still ringing in my ears." "What, what?" "What?" "Well, as she held up her glass, she said," ""I shouldn't drink this, mon cheri." ""After one glass of champagne" "I cannot be responsible for my action."" "Go on." "Then she drank down the whole glass in one gulp." "And I drank mine." "Uh-huh." "Well, what then?" "Well, when I woke up the next morning..." "SCHULTZ:" "Wait a minute!" "What happened before that?" "I don't know." "My drink was spiked and she stole my wallet." "You twister." "Hey, what's that?" "General Burkhalter." "I wonder who the civilian is." "Could be Michelle coming to return your wallet." "Jealous." "Burkhalter?" "What's old roly-poly doing here with a civilian?" "Shall I pour, sir?" "Yeah, please do, Kinch, please do." "BURKHALTER ( over transmitter ):" "Now let's get down to business." "Hans Spear is the leading man in Germany, in converting factories to the production of war materials." "He's the best." "My father always said, "Whatever you do in life do it the best, the very best."" "You should have taken his advice." "Spear will fill you in." "Colonel, you know that automobile factory about a mile from here, near Hammelburg?" "Oh, of course." "They make a very fine little car." "Now it's not exactly the kind of car that I like personally." "I like something bigger, a little bit more substantial." "But for the ordinary people..." "Klink, shut up and listen." "Yes, sir, shut up and listen." "As of now, that automobile factory is being turned into a war plant to produce cannons." "No more cars?" "BURKHALTER:" "Cannons!" "Cannons, cannons, cannons!" "That's what we are making now-- cannons!" "Cannons." "I have always said, General Burkhalter, that you never can have too many cannons." "So glad you agree." "Naturally, I want my operation to be the most efficiently run war plant in Germany." "Exactly-- just as Stalag 13 is the most efficiently run POW camp in Germany." "You may not know it, sir, but we have never had an escape here." "Not one single escape." "Remarkable." "Never an escape from Stalag 13." "Not one." "No, not one." "Maybe 100, but not one." "Very impressive record, Colonel." "Even if I say so myself, I must take full credit for the security here in this camp." "I am on top of everything as General Burkhalter will tell you." "I could also tell you a few other things about him." "Oh, General, you're too kind." "Colonel, my factory will be running 24 hours a day." "And until I get my regular compliment of security officers," "I would like to have a few of your efficient guards." "Well, sir, I don't know if I..." "Klink!" "Are you going to stand in the way of the war effort any more than you do?" "Of course not, Herr General." "Then it's settled." "It's settled." "A toast." "Turning an automobile factory into making cannons, huh?" "Anything we can do about that, Colonel?" "Yeah, Kinch, radio London." "This is a job for the Air Force." "They can turn that factory into an acre of scrap iron." "Right." "What's the good word, Kinch?" ""Regarding request bombing cannon factory, will do early as possible moment..."" "Now that's what I call an air force, huh?" "Great." "Wait, wait a minute." ""Earliest possible moment, six weeks from date." ""Your reservation noted." "You are on priority list."" "A six-weeks priority?" "You call that an air force?" "Ahead of us are the submarine pens, a ball-bearing factory at Swineford, a tank factory in Hamburg, a Messerschmitt assembly plant in Wiesbaden and a drugstore in Dusseldorf." "A drugstore?" "Maybe somebody made a reservation." "One thing's for sure." "We can't let that cannon factory produce for six weeks." "All right, we don't get a bombing mission, we'll try sabotage." "You think we can handle something that big, Colonel?" "I don't see why not." "How can we get in the factory?" "What's the matter, haven't you guys ever worked a swing shift before?" "( oompah music playing )" "Guten nacht, fellas." "Could you give me a hand?" "My car is stuck just outside." "With the four of you," "I think just a little push..." "It would just take a second." "Danke, danke, I appreciate it." "I don't know what I would do without you, fellas." "Danke." "Beer, beer." "Thank you." "The underground will keep those guys on ice until they hear from us." "You look real good, Colonel." "I'm not Colonel." "My name is Ritter." "And you're Kornhauser." "Kornhauser, what a name." "I bet that guy's glad I took it from him." "Hey, my name's Bum." "That's Baum." "Hey, I'm Mueller." "Hey, I'm the foreman." "( whistle blows )" "All right, you lot, you heard the whistle." "Come on, let's get cracking." "( whistle blowing )" "All right, Sergeant, this is the night shift." "Now remember, make them show you their identification cards." "Without a card, they don't belong in here." "Jawohl." "Herr Spear, you can depend on me." "I'll be on my toes, every minute." "Jawohl." "We know of your fantastic record." "Never an escape from Stalag 13." "Not even one." "Jawohl." "You're going to have that same record right here." "Jawohl." "No one, believe me, but no one is going to get out of here." "I'm not worried about people getting out, Sergeant-- it's in." "I mean, in." "Oh." "No one, believe me-- no one is going to slip by me." "Jawohl." "Jawohl." "What are we supposed to do?" "It's a cannon factory." "We make cannons." "Figured it out yet?" "Yeah, I think I know how it works." "The barrel is placed on that machine." "Now this gauge over here sits at 100." "And a machine bores a hole clear through." "That's very good." "Well, that's all there is to it." "The barrel goes down there." "It's then taken over to the inspector." "He okays it for shipment." "Then it's stacked up over on the loading zone." "Uh, it's a piece of cake." "Uh, suppose instead of 100, we set this at 50." "That should double production, right?" "What good's a cannon like that?" "The hole doesn't even go all the way through." "Oh, that's great." "Terrific." "Now all we've got to do is get it past the inspector." "LeBeau, I'm surprised." "Don't you trust me anymore?" "( with German accent ):" "Sorry to bother you." "My wife wanted to know, do we get Hindenburg's birthday off?" "How should I know?" "Ask in the office." "Danke." "I will never doubt again." "Hello, boys." "ALL:" "Hi, Schultz." "Colonel Hogan!" "Shh." "You want to tell me something, Schultz?" "Oh, too far..." "This time you've gone too far." "We're only a mile from camp." "That's what I mean." "This time you must be punished." "Schultz, don't be foolish." "I won't tell." "You won't tell?" "I promise." "I don't care." "I will tell." "You will?" "What a shame." "I feel sorry for you, Schultz." "You'll see when I..." "You feel sorry for me?" "Let's face facts, Schultz." "You were the guard at the prison camp we sneaked out of." "You're the guard in the factory we sneaked into." "What do you think they'll do to you?" "Colonel Hogan..." "Schultz, we'll only be here a couple of days." "That's all." "You have my word." "Come on." "Come on." "Knock off this goldbricking." "Now let's get to work." "Hi, Schultz." "I've got to obey him, Schultz." "He's my foreman." "Oh." "Come on, come on." "The boys at the front are waiting for those cannons." "I can't wait until he's 65 and they lay him off." "He's drunk with power." "Just get on with it." "( clinking solid metal )" "This isn't going to hurt anybody." "Colonel Hogan..." "I just been poking around down in the storeroom." "Instead of being up here working." "Our foreman's going to be very upset." "No, this is important." "This joint's loaded with gunpowder." "Really?" "That's interesting." "Enough to do any real damage?" "Are you kidding?" "With a detonator and a timer fuse, we could blow this place clear to London." "Then the Air Force could bomb it there in their spare time." "What do you think, Colonel?" "I think Fourth of July is gonna be a little early this year." "Carter, on the next break, go to work." "You bet." "Boy, what a blowup this is gonna be." "There's gonna be stuff going up in the air... ( imitates explosion )" "One of the great pyromaniacs of our time." "( bell ringing )" "Who is Mueller?" "Step forward." "( clears throat )" "I have an important announcement." "Mueller here will not be with us anymore." "I want you to take your last look at him." "The next time you see him, he will be Private Mueller... of the German Army." "Congratulations." "Your enlistment just came through." "I know I speak for all of the men here when I say how proud we are of you." "Right?" "Isn't that right?" "Jawohl." "Tomorrow there'll be a service star in my window for him." "That's touching, real touching." "I know how anxious you must be to leave." "Your escort will take you directly to the induction center." "Good luck, Mueller, and give it to those alive." "I will." "The first chance I get." "Men, back to work." "There's a war on, you know." "Mueller." "What are we going to do, Colonel?" "They're taking him away." "He's gonna be in the German Army!" "All right, hold it down." "I was here, too, remember?" "But we've got to do something." "Poor Newkirk." "Boy, can you imagine going through basic training again?" "And as a private." "They should at least give him his stripes back." "Colonel Hogan, please tell me it is not true what I just heard." "Please tell me it is not true." "What isn't true, Schultz?" "That Newkirk enlisted in the German Army." "He's in the German Army, but don't worry, he'll visit you when he comes home on furlough." "I don't want him to visit me." "I don't want him to be in the German Army." "It is against rules for one man to be in two armies in one war!" "Schultz, we're no happier about this than you are that he's in the German Army." "But it happened by accident and we don't know how to get him out." "Oh, If I think of what Kommandant Klink is going to do to me when he hears about it." "No, no, no, no..." "I don't want to think." "Hey, I just thought of something." "What if he doesn't pass the physical?" "You know, can't fool the doctor?" "Newkirk could do it." "He's the kind of guy that would." "Well, forget it." "If it's anything like my draft board..." "They took your X ray, and if your bones showed, you were in." "You think it is possible he may not pass the physical examination?" "Judge for yourself, Schultz." "You passed." "( clears throat )" "Oh, Ja." "You sit over there." "Go over there." "You sit right here." "Well, this is it." "Sure hope I pass." "I just won't tell them about my bad back." "Und if I don't tell them about my bad back, they'll never find out... about my bad back, then." "'Course, I can't hide my fainting spells." "They can happen any time." "But the worse thing about my fainting spells is that I usually fall on my bad back." "Schmidt-- inside." "What's the matter, chum?" "Didn't you make it?" "The doctor said my feet were too bad for the infantry." "Pity." "Ja, and I'm too fat for the tank corps and my eyes aren't good enough for the artillery." "Shocking." "So they're putting me in the paratroopers." "Ah." "OFFICER:" "Mueller." "Mueller." "Mueller!" "Pardon me, did you say Mueller?" "Inside." "Sit down in the brown chair." "Color vision excellent." "Your name?" "Uh, Mueller." "Wolfgang Mueller." "Memory perfect." "( gunshot )" "Hearing perfect." "Reflexes excellent." "Have you had any serious illnesses or major operations?" "You name it, Doctor, I've had it." "In the last three days?" "In the last three days?" "Since Tuesday noon to be exact." "Tuesday?" "What was I doing Tuesday?" "Obviously not." "Congratulations, Mueller." "You are in the Army." "The examination's over?" "That's it?" "Correct." "Wait outside." "You are inhuman." "I could be a very sick man." "And worse, if you don't obey orders." "But I've got all kinds of things wrong with me." "Don't you even want to look at my blood?" "Why, are you bleeding?" "Outside!" "Achtung!" "PINTZ:" "I'm only too glad to be of service to you, Colonel." "Major." "I want to thank you for your cooperation." "Sergeant, this is Colonel Klink from Stalag 13." "He needs replacements for his guard staff." "These are today's recruits, sir." "Not much to pick from I'm afraid." "( loud sneeze )" "Well, as they say, beggars can't be choosers." "I'll take them." "Get these men uniforms, Sergeant, and have them report to me at once." "Jawohl, Herr Major." "( loud sneeze )" "We are certainly scraping the bottom of the barrel these days." "Let's see the rest of them." "All right, no slip-ups now." "Otherwise, Newkirk's going to become a 30-year man in the German Army." "Herr Inspector?" "Ja?" "I found this on the floor." "Did you lose it?" "Well, uh..." "Why don't you search your wallet?" "Ja." "Ja." "Danke." "You're welcome." "Herr, Spear." "Ja?" "( grunts )" "I don't enjoy doing this, sir, but I feel it's my duty." "Jawohl." "What is it?" "This cannon." "Look." "( clinking solid metal )" "What is the meaning of this?" "Inefficiency, Herr Spear." "I was afraid something like this might happen now." "What are you talking about?" "Why should it happen now?" "With Herr Mueller gone-- the one man capable of carrying out your orders." "Mueller?" "!" "I hardly even..." "Obviously personally trained by an expert like yourself." "You were wise in choosing him for the job." "It's lucky I caught this one, but when it happens again..." "It won't happen again." "Don't count on it." "If only Herr Mueller were still here." "Mueller's in the army." "A man with your influence could get him out." "But that's ridiculous." "He's only a foreman." "They'll laugh at me." "I guarantee they'll stop laughing if they see a cannon like this." "There won't be any more cannons like this." "Maybe you're right, and what difference does it make if one or two or possibly three faulty cannons should slip by?" "It's not your fault you lost the foreman." "A judge would understand." "Judge?" "What judge?" "Oh, that's right." "An open-and-shut case, there wouldn't even be a trial." "All right, all right." "Back to work." "Back to work." "Well, Colonel, as I said before, they are not much to look at." "Fortunately, I'll only need them for a few days... ( loud sneeze ) if they last that long." "( phone ringing )" "Jawohl." "Sir." "Major Pintz." "Yes, General Burkhalter." "Yes, we do have a recruit named Mueller." "But, General, he's already been assigned." "I couldn't..." "But, General..." "Yes, General." "Yes, sir." "Immediately, sir." "Sorry, Colonel, but I'm afraid you're losing one of your replacements." "Defense priority." "Mueller!" "You are discharged." "Get back to your job at once." "Bitte?" "And take off that uniform!" "Yes, sir." "Yes, sir!" "Heil Hitler!" "( loud sneeze )" "( loud sneeze )" "Well, I know how disappointed you must be, Mueller, but think of the good you are doing here." "I'll try." "Oh, and by the way." "There will be a little something extra in your paycheck next week." "Ah, but carry on." "Well, look who's home." "Our boy in service." "What happened?" "Was Army life too tough for you?" "Don't laugh, I almost ended up a guard at Stalag 13." "What?" "That's right." "Old Klink was at the induction center looking for replacements." "Did he see you?" "I kept sneezing all the time." "I don't think he recognized me." "Where's Carter?" "He's wiring the TNT." "We'll all be out of work tomorrow." "Wouldn't you know it?" "Right before I get my raise." "( bell ringing )" "Well, it's home for dinner, to the wife and kinder." "Did you leave something behind?" "Mm-hmm." "But it'll be safe until they blow the whistle at the end of the next shift." "Hey, there's a tavern around the corner." "I think this calls for a beer." "I got a better idea." "Let's go to my place for champagne." "Punch this out, will you, Schultz?" "Yeah, do that, Schultz, will you?" "Me, too, Schultzy, please." "Me, too, Schultz." "Herr Spear, I always want you to consider our prison camp your home." "Well, Colonel, it's back to work." "Oh, so soon?" "Oh, please, let me help you." "The factory never stops." "But I had to come and personally thank you for the use of your guard." "Oh, it was nothing." "If you could ever use something..." "Oh, you're most generous, but the men I received this morning are quite capable." "Oh, good." "Let me walk you to your car, hmm?" "And, uh, the work is going well at the factory I hope?" "Without parallel." "When this next shift ends, we will have already produced 1,000 cannons." "Marvelous, marvelous." "( whistle blows ) There it is." "1,000 cannons." "Congratulations on a job well done." "( explosion )" "Congratulations on a job well done." "Now, what I have to say is primarily for the new prisoners." "But even for the older prisoners who've heard this speech before, it would be advisable to pay attention." "Forget about escape." "As long as I'm in charge, escape is impossible." "This is Stalag 13, the toughest POW camp in all of Germany." "I, Colonel Klink, have personally trained these guards and they never miss a thing." "Smile, Schultz, he's talking about you." "Now, as for the recent example in the cannon factory, when my guards were on the job those saboteurs never had a chance." "But as soon as they left..." "So, never forget those same guards will be watching you and I will be watching them." "No one has ever fooled me yet." "Dismissed." "( loud sneeze )" ""(End of Episode)""