"Ripped By mstoll" "(SIRENS WAILING)" "MALE REPORTER:" "A sensational turn of events at the White House." "Reportedly even she..." "FEMALE REPORTER 1:" "President Hughes makes his final exit, our thoughts are with him and the outgoing First Lady." "FEMALE REPORTER 2:" "Selina Meyer prepares to step into the most powerful shoes in the world..." "FEMALE REPORTER 3:" "How will Selima Meyer be feeling, I wonder, as she finds herself about to become president..." "SELINA:" "I can't believe it." "This is insane." "BEN:" "Am I dreaming?" "Do I have my pants on?" "Ma'am, I don't wanna piss on your bliss, but..." "I'm gonna need you back in New Hampshire very, very soon." "Okay, but I've got something to do really soon." "I'm trying to remember what it is." "What is it again, Mike?" "Hmm..." "I think you're becoming president of the United States!" " (ALL CHEERING)" " Yeah, we rule." " What?" " Or you do, in fact." "Yeah, I rule." "Hey' you know what, guys?" "We have to be careful, though, not to look too happy, you know?" "'Cause of FLOTUS." "I just got a voicemail from Beyoncé wishing you well." " Shut up." " What?" " DAN:" "I swear to God." " Oh, my God, ma'am." " Oh!" "I can't believe it." " DAN:" "I know." "How did she get your number?" " I have no idea." " AMY:" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Ma'am?" "You can't get too distracted by being president because you're still campaigning to be president." "I'm not sure that Beyoncé fully understands that." "(GASPS) She's calling me a Single Lady." "MALE REPORTER:" "Here it comes." "Celebrity support for Selina Meyer..." "FEMALE REPORTER 1: ...as the stars take to Twitter to share their adoration..." "FEMALE REPORTER 2:" "Support from notable celebrities such as Katy Perry and will.i.am. .." " (CHEERING)" " Oh!" "Oh, my God." "Is this for me?" "Holy shit." "It's like Lolla-fucking-palooza." " DAN:" "This is awesome." " It's like I'm a Beetle." "Well, you got the haircut for it." "Congratulations, ma'am." "First female president." " I'm so happy to be alive to see this." " I'm so happy it's me." "I want to see all these people." "All my people, I see..." " Oh, you." " Congratulations, ma'am." "Anything you want, I'm at your beck and call." "Thank you so much, Senator Suck-up." "Ma'am?" "You're now only a point away from Chung." " Presidential bounce." " Yeah, bounce that, ya dumb dick." " Hey, how's it going?" " DAN:" "Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, look." "From Ashton Kutcher's assistant, "Ashton says congrats."" "Assistant?" "Ah." "More people." " Uh, ma'am?" " What?" " It looks like Pierce..." " Thanks." "It looks like he's about to pull out of the race." "One down, three to go." "It's all falling' into place." " Hey, Sue." " Hi, ma'am." "The oath will take place tomorrow at 12:00 noon." "Yeah." "You will then acquire the nuclear codes." " BEN:" "Goodbye, China." " Wow." "Thornhill, Chung, and Maddox are continuing on for now." " Okay?" " Those fuckers." "God, can't we just take 'em out?" "Is Jack Ruby still alive?" "Ma'am?" "You need to decide your first international visit." "It's not gonna be Canada, and I wanna get rid of Leslie Carr." "She has no fucking energy, ironically." "It has to be Canada." "Always is." "Otherwise they sulk." "Listen, let 'em sulk." "I mean, who's gonna notice?" " I wanna go to Brazil." " Did you say Leslie Carr, ma'am?" "Yeah, I said Leslie Carr." "Hey, Gary?" "I need a protein..." "Where's Gary?" "Oh, my God." "We left him in New Hampshire." "Um..." "Do you know how to get a protein bar?" "Yeah, that's what I need." "Can you..." "I don't know who that is." "God, there's so many people in here." "It's like a Mormon orgy." "The presidential staff is merging with our staff, ma'am, so..." "Why is my coat like this?" "Oh, Sue." "When are we moving into the Oval Office?" "SUE:" "Three days' time, ma'am." "I wanna get a meeting with Jim Marwood and Mary King right away." "Set that up." " Yes, ma'am." " KENT:" "Great idea, ma'am." "Reach across the aisle immediately." "Right." "It's very presidential of me, don't you think?" "Absolutely." "You're not turning into a yes-man, are you?" "Yes, you're right." "I'm not." "Ben." "Where did Ben go?" "He was just here." " Ben?" "Ben?" " Yeah?" " Here, boy." "Come to me." " Sure." " And then, could you guys get out of here?" " Sure." "BEN:" "Do you want me to tell you which of those two to fire?" "Kent." "Just kidding, Kent." "Wow." "I didn't expect it to happen like this, right?" "What if I'm not ready?" "You're gonna be fine." "Were you having fun out there?" " Yeah." " Those..." "You know..." "Boom, bang, bam..." "Well, it's just gonna be so much fun." "It's gonna be DEFCON fun." "And I want you to be my acting Chief of Staff." "What?" "Yeah, I need all your experience, buddy." "Don't ask me that." "But I am asking you that." "It just destroyed me." "I mean, I was bulimic the whole first year and I didn't even lose any weight from it." "No, you weren't." "None of that is true." "What are you talking about?" "You told me you'd midwife me through this campaign." " Do you remember that?" " Yeah." "So, guess what?" "I am 10 centimeters dilated." "I'm fully effaced." "I mean, this presidency is crowning." "I need you." "Ben, I swear to sweet Jesus Christ, if you don't do this' I'm gonna bring back Prohibition." "FEMALE REPORTER:" "In my opinion, this is a very smart move..." "MALE REPORTER 1:" "Ben Cafferty continues in his role as Chief of Staff..." "MALE REPORTER 2: ...he's so Washington, his blood type is DC." "MIKE:" "And so to recap, after her inaugural address, the incoming president will convene the National Security Council and then meet with the Joint Chiefs of Staff, her cabinet, and congressional leadership." "AMY:" "Okay, who's in charge here?" "Clue, it's me." "So, with our candidate distracted by being president of the United States," "(CHEERING) we need each and every one of you." "Thank you for interrupting your studies, your start-ups, your retirements, your federal sentences." "The Iranian Council of Ministers is just asking what would be a good time for the president to call?" "Wow, that is unprecedented." "Also, we have to schedule calls for the UK prime minister, for China, and for the Vatican." "It's like a Google Maps of ass-kissing." "This is an historic moment." "I'm not talking about this first female president thing." "I'm talking about the first redhead press secretary." "(LAUGHING)" "Big crowd today." "Something important happen that I'm missing?" " Oh, we're in the White House." " (LAUGHING)" "Any questions?" "You know what, I'll do the first one myself." ""Uh, Mike McLintock, why are you so darn handsome?"" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Why are you laughing at that one?" "Now let's work hard and win this puppy, yeah?" " (ALL CHEER)" " All right." " Oh, hi." " Hi, hello, again." " Remember us?" " Please remind me of the names." " Kelly." " Richard Splett." " That's right." " I had a camera." " We just got here." " Yeah, I saw the Batsignal." "Dynamic Duo came in." "That's Batman, Boy Wonder." "Young Lady Wonder." "Yep, we are grateful to have you, so thank you..." " What should we do?" " We can hit the phones real hard." "Yeah, oh, I'll hit the phones until I have a sore throat and a hot ear." "Yeah, you know, I tend to rock a hands-free myself." "That's great, then hit the phones." "Okay, great." "Who should we call?" "Yeah, we really need, like, a list." " Ask your supervisor." " Yes, ma'am." "Absolutely." "Uh, who is our supervisor?" "You know, we can find that on our own." "Yeah, I can..." "That's easy to find out." " Mr. Egan." " Sir." " How are you?" " Fine." "Wondering why you asked me to a meeting in here." "I bring bad news to the closet." "That rumor that went around about Danny Chung engaging in torture in Iraq?" " Yes, sir." " It's been traced to its source." "The River Dan." " Who is saying this?" " The Post." "You understand that you will need to resign?" "Sir, look, I can find a solution, okay?" "Just..." "Give you 24 hours?" "Like in a movie?" "No, I mean, yes." "Please." "You have six hours." "We can't afford 24." "Thank you, sir." "I'm in your debt forever." "Or for six hours, depending on how you do." "I'll see you then." "Alternatively, goodbye forever." " Mike, how'd it go?" " They fuckin' love me in there, Ben." "My bit about gun control killed." "My bit about voter ID laws identified itself as hilarious." "Man, it's such an adrenaline rush." "I am so pumped!" " Well done." " Thank you so much." "You're welcome." "And if you do another press briefing on no sleep again, you're fired." "Hey, Ben, Ben, Ben." "You know how you told me that Chung's unit in Iraq tenured that guy?" "I never said that." "Yeah, you did." "We had a beer and you told me that." "No, you misheard me, Dan." "Torture is a terrible thing." "You know, I told you when I was telling you" "I wasn't telling you what I told you." "The fuck stops here, Dan." "Fuck." "JONAH:" "Look, Dan, I know you probably wanna gloat, but I'm done with DC." "So I'm gonna go to Africa and help install sewage systems in poor communities or whatever." "Or go to Wall Street, I don't know." "One of the two." " I haven't decided." " Oh, all right." "Well, it's just 'cause, you know, we happen to have a position for you on our team." "No fucking way!" "What?" "Oh, God!" "We just need you to deny to the press that the Chung torture rumor came from our office." " So, you want me to lie?" " Yeah." "But, Dan..." "I've never told a lie in my life." "That was a lie." "Try to keep up, Egan." "The rumor is the rumor came from us, all right?" "So you just say that you got it from the Web and the Web can't be trusted." " I can't do that." "The Web made me." " (PHONE RINGING)" "I can't denounce it." "That's like Peter denouncing Christ or worse." "Hello?" "Dan Egan." "West Wing." "What's up, Rachel?" "How are you?" "I would love to go for margaritas." "Just to warn you, though, I do like to lick the rim'" "Okay, bye." " Who was that?" " Oh, uh, do you know Rachel Marsh?" "Red-hot Rachel from the Speaker's Office?" ""Three-pack-of-Kleenex" Rachel?" "Yeah, I know Rachel." "What can I say?" "West Wing perks, buddy." "So you in?" " How much time do I have to think about it?" " Two seconds." " I'm in." " Great." "Sir, what are you doing in here?" " This is not your manhole." " I'm moving in." "No, you're not." "You need a bigger office, that's far away." "This is prime real estate." "I couldn't be any closer to the Oval Office if I had by some triumph of common sense, a desk actually in it." "I don't want your office next to mine." "I do not want you on top of me." "Well, I'm going to be." "So, work with it." "Wait a second." "What are you doing in here?" "This is my office." "See?" "My calculators on the desk." "No, Selina said this is gonna be my office." "You don't need an office." "You have a bag." "Okay, that's bullying." "Well, why don't you take it up with the president?" "Why don't you call the Chief Justice and get them both in?" "And so it begins." "Actually, it really does." "We've gotta go." "She's about to ascend." "FEMALE REPORTER:" "It will be a low-key swearing-in, just a few people in a White House state room." "There will be no pomp or ceremony..." "MALE REPORTER:" "In just 15 minutes' time America will have its first female president." " I'm so proud of you, Mom." " Oh, honey bunny." "Thank you so much." "Couldn't have done it without ya." "What have I done to help?" "Oh..." "A million things." "Are you kidding me?" "You know, just being there, and being you... (STAMMERING) There and all..." " Ma'am, are we ready?" " Uh, yes." "Would you place your left hand on the Bible and raise your right hand?" ""I, Selina Catherine Meyer, do solemnly swear..."" "I, Selina Catherine Meyer, do solemnly swear..." ""...that I will faithfully execute..."" "...that I will faithfully execute..." ""...the office of president of the United States..."" "...the office of president of the United States..." ""...and will to the best of my ability..."" "...and will to the best of my ability..." ""...preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States."" " ...preser. .." " (CLATTERING) ...protect and defend the Constitution of the United States." ""So help me, God."" "So help me, God." "Congratulations, Madam President." "Thank you very much, Mr. Chief Justice." "Thank you." "Ma'am..." " Dan!" "What the fuck is this?" " What are you talking about?" "You've got me buried so far into the West Wing," "I'm practically in Pyongyang." "Jonah, you have a job in the White House, all right?" "That was the deal." "I publicly denounced the Internet, Dan." "Okay?" "Those are my people!" "I'm getting so much online hate." " There are memes of me being burned alive." " Ooh, wow." "There's one of me fuckin' a chicken while dressed as bin Laden." "The chicken is dressed as bin Laden or you're dressed as bin Laden?" "No, I'm dressed as bin Laden, Dan!" " (CHUCKLING)" " And it's really well done." "So it legitimately looks like I am engaging in bestiality while insulting 9/11 victims." "Oh, wow." "That is..." "That is tough." "I want a new deal." "I wanna get closer to the action." "I'm like a boom op on a porn shoot right now." "I'm sorry, man." "But, you know..." "I can't have a terrorist chicken-fucker next to the president." "Security risk." "GARY:" "Hey, ma'am?" "SELINA:" "Yes?" "Do you remember that time in New York when you said that if this day ever came, you'd wear those special shoes?" "Well, I've had them ever since." "Do you remember?" "Uh..." " Oh, uh..." "Of course." "Yes." " (LAUGHING)" " That's so touching." " Isn't that cool?" "Oh, you're like Prince Charming." "(CHUCKLING)" "GARY:" "Perfect shoe for the perfect moment in the perfect life of a perfect woman." "This is like Kathy Bates in Misery." "Beautiful shoe for a beautiful..." " Okay, that's enough, though." " Okay." " Take it in." "Enjoy the speech." " I will." "MIKE:" "You're gonna be great." "This is so exciting." "It's like a wedding or something." "Yeah, except there's no bridesmaids to fuck." "(SQUEAKING)" "Oh, my God." "It's like shes walking on a carpet of mice." "DAN:" "Jesus Christ, Gary." "Are those real shoes or are those fucking dog toys?" "Sounds like the theme from Psycho." "My fellow Americans." " The oath I have taken today is a solemn one." " Excuse me, excuse me." "I stand before you, and before God..." "Oh, my God, you know better than that." "You know better than that. (SOBS)" "You have not elected me as your president by your votes, but I ask that you accept me..." " Are you seeing this on Twitter?" " Yup. "President squeaks to the nation."" "Thank you, and God bless America." "(CAMERAS CLICKING)" "(SHOES SQUEAKING)" "Ma'am, that was amazing." " Amazing speech." " MIKE:" "Yes, it was." "Take these fucking shoes and shoot 'em in the fucking head." " Yeah, I'm so sorry." " Okay?" "Now, I am the most powerful person in the world." " Is that correct?" " Yes, ma'am." "Any fuckup from now on is not just a fuckup." "It's my legacy." "Got it?" "No fuckups." "Ma'am, uh, taking Leslie Kerr away from State has freaked the Iranians out." "They trust him." "No, wait a minute." "Hold on." "I didn't let anyone go from State." "Madam President." "You asked me to swap out Leslie Kerr." "No!" "Leslie Carr!" "Carr!" "C-A-R-R." "That bitch from Energy." "Remember I made that joke about she didn't have energy?" "Yeah, but her name is Leanne Carr, ma'am." "Oh, fuck, it is." "Oh, my God." "Oh, shit!" "Oh, my God." "What have you done to me, Kent?" " I'm sorry?" " You should have questioned the name." "I should have." "Yes." "I apologize, Madam President." "Can we say that it was just an error?" "No, ma'am." "The entire world would notice that." "Yeah, it's terrible PR." "You might as well drive a suicide clown car into the fucking Lincoln Memorial." "Yes, I am still here." "Oh, my God." "Is this gonna hurt us in the polls?" "I can't see how it won't." "What does that mean?" "Is that a yes?" "If you mean to say yes, then say yes." "You're the fucking yes-man." " Yes." " Okay, here's what you're gonna do." "You go to New Hampshire and you attach some electrodes to the corpse of my campaign, okay?" "I'm gonna stay here and I'm gonna deal with this Leslie Carr bullshit." " Leanne Carr." " Okay, whatever the fuck." "What man is named Leslie, for fuck's sakes?" "Leslie Nielsen." "Leslie Moonves." " Leslie Frazier, the coach for the Vikings..." " Huh?" "Doesn't matter." "You're..." "Good speech." "Ma'am?" "Secretary Maddox would like a meeting, stat." "No." "Stat." " He's useless." "He's a one-inch cock." " Got it." "All right." "Welcome to the White House." "FEMALE REPORTER: ...into the history books with a squeaky-clean speech." "MALE REPORTER: ...relationship with Iran grows considerably more tense..." "It was a mishearing which led to a misspeaking which led to a misfiring." " Human error?" " Yes, simple human error." " Which human?" " Several separate humans, Sean." "I mean, we all make mistakes." "Just ask your mom and dad. (LAUGHS)" "Has President Meyer spoken to the president of Iran?" "I'm not able to answer that." "Otherwise I'd have to have you killed." "(LAUGHS)" "MALE REPORTER:" "Does the president believe this is a moment for levity?" "Uh..." "No, she does not." "Does not." "ANNOUNCER:" "Two hours in office and already President Meyer is making Iran irate." "Imagine what she could do in 24 hours." "Imagine Selina Meyer is the only person keeping your children safe at night." "'Cause she is." "Let's vote her out and make the Commander-in-Chief a Commander-in-Brief." " That is powerful stuff." " Makes you think." "Decided to take a break from the phones." " Couple of rude calls." " It does hurt your feelings." "You know, "'F' this." "Shove your whatever into your what..."" "I mean..." "I'm just gonna get some fresh air, we'll be right back to it." "AMY:" "I think they were deprived of fresh air at birth." "(PHONE CHIMES)" "Okay, Maddox is gonna withdraw." "How does this work for us?" "He might endorse Selina, but Jeff Kane was backing him." "He could bring in the senior citizens." "They only got one vote left in 'em, we need it." "Do we really wanna push the Jonah's-uncle alarm?" "We have to." "We just need bodies now, Amy." "Warm, upright bodies that can still punch a hole in a card." "Kent, your rhetoric, as always, is inspiring." "I am calling Dan." "DAN:" "Okay, Amy, yes." "I'll find him." "I mean, how hard can it be?" "Hey, Jonah." "You know, buddy, I have been mean and I'm sorry." "What kind of idiot do you think I am?" "Is there a choice?" "I only have one asset that you would be interested in and that's my Uncle Jeff's bucket of votes." "Great!" "So you'll get us Uncle Jeff?" "Oh, no, I'm just gettin' started." "I want West Exec parking for the cube, and I want mess hall privileges." "No." "That's impossible." "Well, then you better possiblize it, Dan." "And I want somebody that works for me." "I want an assistant, a gofer, a servant." " You want a Jonah?" " Yeah!" "I want a Jonah." "And henceforth they will no longer be known as Jonahs." "They'll be known as Jimmys or Pepes or Sarahs or whatever the fuck that person's name turns out to be." "And you can't hire anyone named Jonah." "Okay?" "See, I'm on to you already." "Shit!" "I gotta go." "You know what?" "They should be called "Dans."" "Well, that was an awkward Cabinet meeting." "Leanne Carr knows I definitely tried to fire her." "She found some fucking energy now." "How we doing with the office move, Sue?" " Two more days, ma'am." " Oh, okay." " Uh, ma'am, more shit just in." " What?" "Maddox and Pierce just publicly endorsed Chung." "This means you could come in third." " Ma'am, shit just in..." " God damn it, I know." "I can't be president and come in third." "We're gonna have to go to New Hampshire now." "Excellent idea." " All right, I'll pack you up." " BEN:" "Maybe pack a squeaky coat." "All right, call Amy right now and tell her I need a photo op or something." "We need, like, a hospital or a school or a factory." " Okay." " Okay?" "Just not a hospice." "I can't risk some fucker flatlining right next to me." "DAN:" "Maybe Chung didn't torture that guy, but he sure is waterboarding the fuck out of us in the polls." "SELINA:" "Jesus." "If I come in third, this could be the shortest administration in history." "MIKE:" "Yeah, like a Snapchat presidency." "No, that won't happen." "Isn't this plane amazing?" "BEN:" "Yeah, can we fly it into Danny Chung?" "SELINA:" "Okay, so what does Jonah's uncle want exactly?" "Long term?" "Medicare task force and Social Security reform." "But for now we can give him a private 10 minutes, and, of course, a picture with the president." "Oh, will he agree to that?" "You're the president, ma'am." "Oh, my God." "Right." "All right, so as long as he can guarantee us the blue hair ballots, right?" "Ma'am, he's an AARP lobbyist, all right?" "He's got old people coming out of his ass." "Haiku version, Jeff Kane will buy us some bodies." "I want that polling place to look like an assisted living facility, okay?" "So we'll do the photo op." "Gary?" "Hey, where is this photo op, Ame?" "It's at a factory that makes protective gear for firefighters." "I think that's great, ma'am." "Everybody loves firefighters." "Everybody wants to keep them safe." "Yeah, everybody wants to fuck 'em, too." "God, I would love to fuck a firefighter." "Hey, I'm the president." "I can fuck anybody I want now, right?" "All the other ones have." "I hope I can count on your vote." "Can I?" "Yeah!" "I can tell you're gonna vote for me." "And you got a good beanie on, too." "Now tell me what this is all about." "Now obviously the most important aspect of the suit is the fact that it's..." " Fireproof?" "Is that right?" " (ALL LAUGHING)" "I got an good." "She is so good at making people believe she is good with people." " Yeah, she's doing great." "She's on fire." " (PHONE CHIMING)" "A great advantage that she has over the other candidates in this race is that she's the president." "She's not the president." "Obviously gotta be fireproof." "Can't be made of tissue paper." " Can't be made of cashmere..." " My apologies. ma'am." " My apologies." "This is very urgent." " Yes?" "Oh, would you excuse me?" "I'll be right back in just a second." "What?" "We've gotta go back to DC." " Why?" " You got the oath wrong, ma'am." "You didn't say "preserve."" " Yes, I did." " No, not really." "You said "pre" and then Mike fell into the lamp." "The Speaker insists that you take it again and that the oath isn't legal and that you're not the president." " I am the president!" " I know." "I'm not going back to DC." "I'm staying in New Hampshire." "Get the Chief Justice to come here and do it." "No!" "I got a better idea." "Get a local judge to do it." "Wait, wait, wait." "Isn't that gonna look just a little bit tacky?" "It's not like I'm trying to get sworn in by an Elvis impersonator." " Think about it." " No, no, no." "That could be really great for us." "Play up to New Hampshire's already inflated sense of self-importance." "Exactly." "I got it." "I'm on it, yeah." "And get Catherine, okay?" "'Cause I gotta, you know, have her hold the thing." " The Bible." " The Bible, yeah." " Okay, we're cool." "We're good." " Okay, God damn." "(CLEARS THROAT) Hi, sorry about that." "That's all right." "Let's move on to the detachable inner portion" " of the suit, which is water-resistant..." " Okay." "Oh, because you're holding a fire hose." "Yes, I get it." "Madam President." "I'm so sorry to interrupt again." " Sorry." " Oh." "I'm so sorry." " Gotta put out another fire over here, I guess." " (BOTH LAUGHING)" "Shit." "What is it?" "Iran is officially pissed that you fired Leslie Kerr." "Apparently they liked the guy." "It must be the beard." "What does officially pissed mean?" "Well, they made an official statement that could spook the markets." "You know, spike gas prices." " You've gotta reinstate Leslie Kerr, period." " No, we agreed that would be a PR disaster." "So you'd rather piss off blue-collar truck drivers" " and their chicken-frying wives?" " Shh!" "We're surrounded by these people." "Keep your voice down." "Get him on the phone." "Hi." "Now I am all yours." " Ma'am, I'm so sorry." "I'm so sorry to interrupt." " Yes?" "Diane Appleby, a local federal judge, is gonna be here in 15 minutes." "Okay, um..." "Sir, do you have a private room that we would use very briefly for some official White House business?" " Well, I don't know." "I..." " Perhaps your office?" "Madam President?" "Leslie Kerr." "Excuse me." "Leslie?" "My office is being treated for black mold." "You'd all have to wear protective masks." " Would that be a problem?" " Yeah, it would." "Mr. Kane." "I just want you to know that the AARP" " is very close to my heart." " That's good to hear." "I am so pleased that we can count on your support." " Happy to help, ma'am." " And you know what I want to do?" "I want to do a photo with you after I'm done with this swearing-in business." "And could young Jonah also be in the photograph?" "Sure." "Ma'am, can I say that I am just honored to be a part of your team?" "And that I will serve you faithfully as long as you happen to be president." " That's lovely." " Ma'am, the room's clear." "The judge is ready for the swearing-in." "And Catherine's here?" "I don't know." "I think she must be stuck in traffic." "Well, I need her." "She's gotta hold the Bible." "(STAMMERING) I can do that." " No." " No?" " I'm sorry I'm late." " Oh, my baby is here." "My baby. (CHUCKLING)" "Gonna bake this girl and get this oath all sworn up." "Come on." "I can't thank you enough for coming this last minute." "JUDGE:" "I was happy to oblige." "Thank you very much." " Sorry to interrupt." "Your Honor." " Yes." "I'm just going to make the shot a little better." " Okay." " So, maybe here is good." "Okay." "Oh." "Uh-huh." "I, Selina Catherine Meyer..." "This is an historic moment." "I mean, I like this one better than the first one." "SELINA:" "...the Constitution of the United States..." "It's good, you know?" "She's the people's president." "This looks ordinary, it looks relatable." "It looks horrible." "She looks like she's in Flashdance." "They're gonna have a field day with that haircut." ""Thai lady-boy made head of sweatshop."" "MALE REPORTER:" "Second time lucky for Selina as President Meyer..." "FEMALE REPORTER 1:" "Things are not looking good for Selina Meyer as New Hampshire makes its voice heard..." "FEMALE REPORTER 2:" "With victory now confirmed for Governor Danny Chung, it's a race for second place here in New Hampshire..." "I think that there were fundamental issues with the New Hampshire campaign and I just wish I'd have been here earlier to advise you." "Campaigns are a lot more difficult than experimental dance troupes, Catherine." "(SIGHS)" "It's good we won Dixville Notch." "It's got a population of 12, Mike." "I know, Dan, but it's famous." "Our Lord Jesus started with 12." "He didn't win New Hampshire, either." "Look, Bedford hasn't come in yet." "That's a big one." "We take Bedford, we got a shot." " We lost Bedford." " Shit." "Just now?" "No, while you were sleeping, Mike." "I wasn't sleeping." "What about Durham?" "The numbers are the same as the last time you asked me two minutes ago." "What's going on?" "What are we hearing?" "Is there any news?" "Chung won." "Right now we're just waiting to see..." "Oh, wait." "Greg at CNN is calling it." "Oh!" "Did I come in second?" "Shit." "Thornhill took it by one percent." "You came in third." " BEN:" "Shit." " Oh!" "Delete that." "In what world would that photograph work?" "It's one percent." "That's nothing." "I mean, you're basically second." "You're second in our eyes, I'll tell you that much." "DANNY ON TV:" "Thank you, New Hampshire!" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "Thank you." "I stand before you tonight not in triumph, but in humility." "Not with a sense of entitlement, but with a sense of responsibility." " Sue?" "Are they ready for us?" " You have voted for change..." "Oh, whatever..." "I don't give a shit." " Gary?" " Yeah?" " Come on!" " Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep." "Yep." "MIKE:" "I've got so many staples in this box." "GARY:" "Shit!" "JONAH:" "I want a desk by the window." " Shit, shit, Shit, shit..." " DAN;" "Yeah?" "Promise to jump out of it?" "Well, I'd be on the first floor, so that really wouldn't work, would it?" "MIKE:" "I guess I don't do a lot of stapling." "JONAH:" "Asshole." "GARY:" "Oh, come on, come on, come on..." "Excuse me, excuse me." "Excuse me." "AMY:" "Don't get too concerned about New Hampshire, ma'am." "SELINA:" "I came in third, Amy." "Okay?" "Even the Nazis came in second." "Ripped By mstoll"