"Ein, zwei, drei, vier!" "There is a Jewish story." "An ordinary Jewish joke." "A father was teaching his little son to be less afraid, to have more courage, by having him jump down the stairs." "He put his son on the second stair and said, "Jump, and I'll catch you."" "Then on the third stair, and said, "Jump, and I'll catch you."" "The little boy was afraid, but he trusted his father and did what he was told, and jumped into his arms." "The father put him on the next step, and then the next, each time telling him, "Jump, and I'll catch you."" "Then the boy jumped from a very high step, but this time, the father stepped back and the boy fell flat on his face." "He picked himself up, bleeding and crying, and the father said to him, "That'll teach you."" " Here, put this sweater on." " Nuh-uh." "Don't be ridiculous!" "You're shaking like a bowl of Jell-O." "Put the sweater on!" " Mom!" " Oh, for God's sake!" " I betrothe you to me..." " I betrothe you to me with this ring..." "... with this ring according to the Jewish law." "I betrothe you to me according to the Jewish law." "I betroth you to me forever in righteousness and justice, in kindness and in mercy and you shall know God." "For you." "Ahh!" "Aargh!" "Well, I'm dying." "You're not dying." "You had an episode and they want to watch you." " Have a nice weekend." " Hm?" " She's always dying." " Why are you rushing?" "Sorry, rounds took forever." "Sorry I'm late." "Oh, baby, no problem." " Have a good evening." " Thank you." "You're late for Shabbat and you have to tell this stranger our private business?" "Mom, you're lucky we come at all." "I'm lucky you come to Shabbat?" "Why is that?" "Stop eating." "Cos it's the 21st century, cos we're not in Babylon." "We don't have to remind ourselves to let our land lie fallow" " The whole point of Shabbat is..." " I was eleven minutes late!" "You're getting worked up, and being worked up all the time never got anyone pregnant." "We've been trying for 10 months!" " Where does everyone have to get to?" " I'm not worked up!" "I would just like very much to have a baby." " So adopt." " Who's really mine." "# Blessed are You #" "In China, they're throwing them into trash cans." "# Our God, King of the universe #" "Adopt a baby, for God's sake, adopt a baby and then have a baby." " You're 39 years old!" " That's what you did." "That's why you can't do it, because I did it?" "Being like me is such a..." " There's a feeling." " No, there's not!" "When he was little, I watched you." "I watched you... watch him." "I saw you look at each other." "It was different." "I want that." "You listen to me." "There's no difference." "Are you here?" "Where are you?" "I'm in here." "Sweetie, can you come in here and sit down for a minute?" "I'll be there in one second." "Hi." "Sit down." "You stand up." "Sweetie, please sit down." "And take your coat off." "Maybe you should take it off." "Well?" "I made a mistake." "I'm sorry." "I made a mistake." "You made what?" "If I could blink my eyes and it would be a year from now... and we could be friends, best friends, I would do it." "We teach across the hall from each other." "I'll see you all the time, every day." "But listen, I want..." " I want you to know something." " Do you want?" "Yeah, thank you." "What did you want me to know?" "I'm 100 percent sure." "Is it because I didn't say the right thing the other night?" " If you wanna pursue this drawing thing..." " It's nothing." " I just meant that if..." " I'm attracted to somebody has to make some money." "I don't..." " I can't make love if we don't talk." " I don't, I don't want this life!" "Don't you want to take your coat off?" "Why don't you want to take your coat off?" "Oh, God!" "I'm really sure we shouldn't..." "I'll see you in school." "Come on." "Can you explain this to me?" "Mrs. Epner Green, this is chaos." "Who's in charge?" " It says he has resigned." " And you knew nothing about this?" "If Mr. Green is out, why is there no substitute?" "Is he coming in?" "Mrs. Epner Green's class, make space for Mr. Green's class." "Mrs. Epner Green, this is way too many kids for one room!" "Really, d'you think so?" " Well, Mrs. Epner Green" " Ms. Epner." "OK, the parents can go." "Mr. Green will not be coming in." "Ms. Epner will be teaching both classes." "You don't know where he is?" "Have you slept?" "Don't do anything until you've slept." "Don't think anything until you've slept." "I have to drop her upstairs." "It's gonna take me an hour to get a sub." "Love you." "Can you watch them for five minutes?" "Go." "Hurry back." "Don't let anyone fix you up with anyone." "A friend of mine set me up on a date, I'm still recovering." "Are you... coming on to me?" "What?" "My husband left me nine hours ago." "Do you think you could control yourself for five minutes?" "You betcha." "Oh, my God!" "OK." "You should come in." "This is bad timing" " Do you know how old I am?" " Yes, I do." "I want a baby." "I can't explain it." "It's like being hungry or having to pee." "Please don't tell me to adopt." "I wouldn't." "I won't." "I never will." "A 65-year-old lady in the Bronx just gave birth to twins." " So..." "I mean, not that that's..." " Thanks." " Should I come in?" " Yes, you should come in." "I just need..." "Hi, I'm here." "Sorry." "I heard your story." "That's just horrible." "Thanks." " I'm gonna go." " April, don't go home alone." "It's fine." "I need to sleep." "It's not gonna get any worse than this." "God, abounding in Mercy Who dwells in the realms of the High" "Bring forth true repose Under the wings of the Divine Presence in the great heights of the holy and pure, who like the brilliance of the heavens give shine to the spirit of Gittel daughter of Tuvia and Hannah... who is deceased." "May her soul rest in Heaven" "To Gertrude Trudy Epner, who has gone to her lasting rest." "Master of all, we pray to You, remember her worthy and righteous deeds while among the living and say amein." "Amein." "Pardon me." "Who does the, uh, purchasing for the school?" "I'm sorry?" "Not the purchasing, the requisitioning." "The office is that way." "Thank you." " Are you April Epner?" " Can I help you?" "I represent someone from your past." "Someone from your past who's looking to make contact." "Would the discovery of the identity of your birth mother be welcome news?" "I'm her assistant and friend." "She's a celebrity." "What kind of celebrity?" "She's, she's well known." "She really wants to meet you, but she's very cautious, you understand." "But now I can definitely recommend it." "You're recommending me?" "You taking this the wrong way?" "Here." "Let her speak for herself." "" Dear Gabrielle," "" Did you know Gabrielle is what I named you?" "" I believe the time has come for us to meet." "" Let's have lunch tomorrow, Saturday, you and me." "Barbetta Restaurant at one." ""Your mother, Bernice."" "Good afternoon." "Can I help you, miss?" "Oh, hello." "Do you happen to have a reservation for someone named Bernice?" "Yes, of course we do." "Right this way, please." "A glass of champagne while you wait?" "Do you have a ladies room?" " Hello, beautiful." " Oh!" "Thank you." "I'm a... teacher." "...sounds like Judy Holliday." "You get anyone besides her, hang up." "You won't get in unless you use my name, right?" "I know, it's terrible, but we're talking about your health." " Thank you very much." " Mm." "Let me just look at you." " You're magnificent!" " What's your name?" "Oh, thank you." "Um, what is your name?" " You got my letter." " Uh, your last name?" "Oh, Graves." "I'm so happy you don't know it." " Why would I..." " How do you feel right now?" "How do you feel?" "I feel like you are the reward for everything I ever did right in my entire life." " Oh!" " And how do you feel?" "I, um..." "Thank you." "I'm wondering how you can be certain you're actually my mother." "Are you married?" "I mean, do you have anyone?" "Someone who takes you in his arms or her arms." "God knows I only want you to be happy." "Someone who holds you in the night?" " You didn't answer..." " Doesn't matter." "Some of the richest periods of my life came when I was between love affairs." " Were you raised with brothers or sisters?" " I have a brother." "Oh, I wanna meet him." " It's a little soon..." " Hello, you two." " Oh, Alan, you remember Gabrielle." " It's April." "Recovering from the abominable way I approached you?" "I make for you a special mother/daughter antipasto." "Someday I'll tell you how we have Alan to thank for this." "I uh, I produced the show that led to this." "I looked in the camera and the whole story just came out." "Our story." " Such a powerful moment." " Excuse me, what is our story?" " I'm sorry to bother you." " That's all right." " Alan, do you have a pen?" " No, I just want to say, I love you." "I watch you all the time." "I think you're just the best." "Enjoy your lunch." "Thank you." "If you have a TV show, why have I never heard of you?" "You watch local TV at 10:30 in the morning?" " Never." " Me, either." "How much do you know about my parents?" "I know that you lost Trudy three weeks ago, and you lost Julius three years before that." " How do you know who they were?" " Oh, I've known since the day I lost you." " Were they good to you?" " How?" " You weren't allowed to know that." " I read it." "Upside down, across the adoption counsellor's desk." ""Baby Girl Epner, born April first."" "So, it's possible." " What?" " That you are who you say you are." "Listen, I only got to have you for three days, but that doesn't change the fact that you are my daughter." "You are the most important thing on earth to me." "You must know that." "Do you have children?" "I think your own family might feel strange about you tracking me down like this." "My family is me and you." "It shows in your face that you know I'm your mother." " What about your husband?" " Oh, I don't have one." "What about you - ever been married?" " Yes." " How's that going?" " Y'know, there's a certain presumption..." " Don't lock Bernice out." " She loved the people who raised her." " You're her mother." " But it's natural she would have questions." " I'm sitting here!" "Yes, you are." "Ask me anything." "You're sitting on anger." "Ask me anything, hit hard, ask me anything you want." "Why did you give me up?" ""On you will go, though the weather be foul." ""On you will go, though your enemies prowl." ""Onward up many a frightening creek" ""Though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak."" " What?" " It's a book, by Dr. Seuss." " Did your adoptive parents read it to you?" " No." "Oh, that's a shame, because it's a map of your life really." "The whole point of which is that every ending is a beginning." "Now, when Trudy and Julius passed, that was an ending, but in a funny kind of a silver liningy way, it's brought us together, hasn't it?" "I have to go." "Wait." "Stop." "Don't..." "Don't go." " Gabrielle!" " April, goddammit!" "Would you like to know who your father was?" "He was a famous man, now dead." "Why don't we go to my office and really talk?" " Thank you, no." " We could go for a drive." " I would like to walk." " Oh, you like to walk?" "You sound like your father." "My famous father, now dead, went for walks?" "I'm a walker myself, you know." "All kinds of exercise, I'm a nut for." "Could we slow down for just a moment?" "Oh, being related like this is just incredible." "You were saying about my father?" "You hardly know me yet." "Well, thank you, Ms. Graves, it was traumatic and potentially illuminating to have met you." "I met him when I was fifteen." " I worked in perfume." " Where, exactly?" "Well, four blocks that way, as it happens." "Used to be Bonwit Teller." "You can look it up." "Since I wasn't rich, I earned extra money working in their perfume department." " So this was a customer?" " Oh, a very special customer." "He came in to buy a gift for his mother." "He was close to his mother, too close," " because no woman could measure up." " Who was it?" "He was immediately flirtatious, but not in a boorish way." "He was, and I say this in all humility..." "enchanted." " Who was it?" " Steve McQueen." " How dare you." " We were deeply in love." "Well, what went wrong?" "He was single when I met him." "Separated, anyway." "I never would've gotten involved had his relationship been viable, but I sensed they weren't through." ""They" would be Steve McQueen and Ali MacGraw?" "If you watch The Getaway, you'll sense a certain closeness." "I feel good about that." "By the way, do you have any children?" " Was it a one-night stand?" " Oh, the memory lasted a lifetime." "Your generation is so cynical." " When was I conceived?" " Around the fourth of July." " Around or on?" " On!" " Was he right or left handed?" " What kind of question is that?" "Circumcised?" "Catholic." "I understand your parents were Jewish." " So what?" "So am I." " Well, God bless." " What does that mean?" " God bless that you believe in God." " You don't believe in God?" " I don't know." "Watched the news lately?" "I'll ask you one more time, why did you give me up?" "I didn't give you up." "You were taken from me." "Didn't they tell you that?" "My father was very religious." "I held you in my arms for three days, praying that it wouldn't happen." "But it did." "He walked in, he took you, and he left me screaming." "How do I know any of this is true?" "Because it is!" "All right, listen to me, and please respect what I say to you." "I have to go home, think about this, and decide what to believe." "OK." "OK." "Thank you." " I appreciate you..." " Can you drop me?" "What?" "Where?" "Back there." "All right." "When can we do this again?" "Everyone needs family." "I will call you." "Let me give you my number." "Do you have a pen?" "OK." "Give me your hand." "Please?" "It's harder to lose a hand." "This isn't just a thousand-to-one shot." "This is a professional blood sport." "It can happen to you." "And then it can happen to you again." "I want my mommy!" "Hi, everybody." "Thanks for your patience." " Oh, some more than others." " I want my mommy!" "I want my mommy!" "Ruby, I need you to come here now." "Get your shoes on." "Why don't you come in first?" "I mean, for obvious reasons." "That's OK." "You go ahead." "Besides, we're having so much fun here." " Are you sure?" " Of nothing." "I want my mommy!" " Pardon me." " What!" "We're all right." "We're fine." " You're fine?" "She's fine?" " Yeah, we're fine." "Mm-hm, fine." " Listen, I'm sorry about what I..." " Shh." "I'm sorry about what I said to you." "Listen, I'm four weeks divorced." "For all I know, I was coming on to you." "Were you coming on to me?" "No, I wasn't." "Why I wasn't, I can't imagine." "Um, this is Jimmy Ray's portfolio." " I think he's in trouble." " You do?" " Sorry, what were you about to say?" " His printing is good." " Really?" " Mm-hm." "K's made him nervous, but he likes them now." " He seems happiest..." " He has night terrors." " Did you say night terrors?" " I think they're night terrors." " He walks in his sleep." " How often?" "Once, ten months ago." " What happened?" " He peed in the fridge." "Have you slept?" "Oh, no." "No." "I love his hands." "I do." "I love how he uses them, how expressive he is." "I love that, too." "He has a little less confidence just right at the moment," " but I think that's to be expected." " Do you have kids?" "No." "He talks about his mom a lot." "He seems to worship her." "From afar." "She's on a trip round the world." "She's a painter." "She's painting the world with her boyfriend." "Oh." "I see you outside in your car." "Is that..." "Yes." "I work out there." "I write." "In your car?" "I like to keep an eye on the building." "It relaxes me." "Mm." "So why didn't you have kids?" "I've watched you." "You love them." "And you're..." "Old?" "No." "No, my God, no." "You can't be more than what, you're 35, 34?" "I'm 39 and a half years old and I've never been pregnant." "Well, if you put it like that." " It looks pretty bleak, doesn't it?" " No." "No, it looks painful." "And beautiful." "And I hope you get everything you want." "Um, dinner." "Apparently I want dinner." " Well, bon appétit." " Oh, would you like to get some dinner?" "No, I'd rather eat frozen food alone for the fifteenth month in a row." "Yes, I'd like to get dinner." "But I think you are a very beautiful woman and for some reason I decided not to go on any kind of date for at least a year." "Why?" "Because I'm a fucking idiot." "Thank you, you're gorgeous." "I'm leaving now." "Yes, I would like to get some dinner." " Best friends?" "He said that?" " Mm-hm." "Is this man entirely intact?" "You know, we were best friends." "I loved him." "Kept hoping one day, pop, he'd be a grown-up." "So your wife was seeing someone else?" "Pretty much everyone else." "I was too much for her." " For your wife?" " Mm-hm." "I'm sure she didn't feel that way." " She told me." " What did she say?" ""You're too much for me."" "Ohh!" "So was it just out of the blue?" "It was out of the blue because I was an idiot." "I came across the ocean to be a blind idiot." "This woman may actually let her kids grow up without knowing their mother." "I hope not." "How can you know if someone's your mother?" "I mean, literally, if someone says they're your mother, how can you know for sure?" "DNA test, I guess." "Why?" "I mean, you don't not look like Steve McQueen." " Is she a credible person?" " I have no idea." "My God, you have a chance to get to know your mother." "Yes, I guess I do." "What do you write in here?" "Books." "Jackets." "Jackets for other people's books." "For now." " Get a hair." " I'm sorry?" "For the DNA test." "Get a hair." "Oh." "Thank you." "Well." " I don't wanna say good night." " I don't either." "Uh-oh." "You suppose my son would notice if I just didn't pick him up from his play day?" "I'm sure he'd understand." "OK, I need you to do something for me." "I need you to get in your car." "Which is your car?" "Yeah, I need you to get in your car and drive away, first." "Because I can't." "Will you do that for me?" " Seriously?" " Yes." "You will go home, right?" "I won't find you guys here in the morning wearing the same thing?" " OK." "Good night." " Good night." "Maybe I should call you when you get home, just so you can be sure." "I'd appreciate that." "I worry." "Yeah, I do, too." "What are you making?" "Well, it's peanut butter and jelly." "And I have to confess that we don't share your countrymen's love of peanut butter." "And jelly isn't jelly." "That's another thing I have to have a word with you about." "Well, if you were in England, what would you be making?" "This would probably be cheese and pickle." "Did you say cheese and pickle?" "You don't know what pickle is." "You give me a hard time about peanut butter and jelly and you say cheese and pickle?" "I'm defending food to an Englishman." "Is that happening to me right now?" "Our sex life was dominated by her artwork, you know?" "What do you mean?" "Well, she liked to depict acts of autoeroticism." "Oh." "I sometimes make toast and have tea after I've brushed my teeth, and I don't brush them again." "Do you ever do that?" "No, no, no, I can't." "I'm, um, I'm British." "I was never happier to get a call." " Hello." " Hello." "Have you eaten yet?" " Um, actually, no." " Oh, come with me!" "Our show went well today, despite our best efforts, so, everyone's in a good mood, OK?" "AJ?" " Welcome to the craziness." " Hello." " Lunch?" " Please." "We're famished." " Sam's?" " Perfect!" "What do you feel like?" "It's a kind of a pubby place." "Would a hamburger be all right?" " Oh, my God!" " What?" "You're a little anaemic, aren't you?" "Runs in the family." "Actually, I would just like a hamburger." "Oh." "OK." "Come on." "So, Janeane Garofolo, you've lived in the West Village for a long time, what's it like when the denizens of the village come out and march about?" " In Gay Pride?" " Yes." "I have a particular favorite gay." " You do?" " I do." "My favorite gay is the bantamweight Latino in the gold lamé short shorts." "Lace front short shorts." " I'm partial to the flyweight Latino." " Do you know his name?" "I don't know. but he's great on the float." "...surf break up on the Statue of Liberty, so that you could actually ride a wave from the Statue of Liberty to Battery Park." " That would be great." " That would be great." "Instead of taking that ferry." " Come on in." " A hamburger is eighteen dollars!" "My treat." "Make it two." " I'll have a Caesar salad." " One sec." "I can't have you in this lunch." "Well, if you can't have me here, you can't have me." "Thanks." "I practically live in this room In fact, I call it my sanctuary." " Do you have a sanctuary?" " My kitchen is nice." "Let me show you something." "Come here." "I want you to know me." "OK." "Much of this is my natural hair color." "OK, I'll start." "Much of this is my natural hair color." "Oh!" "Um..." "I don't know what to..." "I like music." " What kind of music?" " I like Fleetwood Mac and um..." "I'm very verbal during sex." "I'm afraid of drowning." " During sex?" " No, just in general." "Um, I'm a tiny bit hard of hearing in my right ear." "I'm a tiny bit hard of hearing in my right ear." "Oh, see?" "What else?" "I visit my father's grave all the time." " Only his?" " What?" "Of course not." "Both." "Oh, of course." "Three years ago, I had a lumpectomy." " Oh?" " Oh, I was fine." "But you should be aware." " I'm getting a divorce." " Oh, God, I knew it!" "I could feel it." "I'm so connected to you." " What happened?" " I don't wanna talk about it." " But you brought it up." " I was playing your game and it came out." " Was this recent?" " Yes." " Was there trouble for a long time?" " Long enough." "Do you still want kids?" "Of course you still want kids." " May I use this?" " Oh, yes, of course." "Here, let me have it." "Let's see." "I'll clean it out for you." "There you go." "What's mine is yours." "I want to find this record to play for you." "It's Roy Orbison singing All I Have To Do Is Dream." "It's very rare." "But when I was pregnant with you," "I played it all the time, and I thought..." "Oh." "Ohh, I can feel your heart beating." "Me, too." "The last time I felt your heart beating against mine, you were three days old." "How big was I?" "Six pounds, 15 ounces." "Mm!" "You had such a sweet face and the squinchiest little eyes and..." "Ow!" "Oh, what was that?" "I don't know." " Hi, there." " Oh, hello." "Hi." "Hi." "OK." "Let's everybody pack up." "Hello." "Did I do something wrong?" "No... of course not." "Hello." "I've very much enjoyed talking to you these last nights, but we shouldn't go out of our way to talk to each other here, in a private way." " In a private way?" " I've thought about it..." "I've thought about it, too." "Let's go, Daddy." "OK." "Well, good night." "Um... goodbye." "One thing." "I don't sleep, usually, so if you want to look up information about your mother," "I'd be happy to help." "Oh, boy, I am so bad at that stuff." " At some point I..." " Here." "It's about Steve McQueen." "What about him?" "I got your birth date from the office." "Listen, I have to do something with the energy I'm spending not asking you out." "Do you wanna know?" "Steve McQueen was on the Yangtze River, it's in Southern China, making a film called The Sand Pebbles." "He was there between March, 1966, and September." " You were born in April?" " Yes." "Is it possible this could've happened in Southern China?" "She told me Manhattan." "Sorry, I just don't think he could've been." "I don't know who you are or what you want, but I want you to stay away from me." "How dare you invade the life of another human being this way?" "What kind of selfish, psychotic, compassionless freak must you be?" "Do not ever try to contact me again or I will call the police, I swear to God!" " Freddy?" " You sitting down?" "Yes." "She's your mother." " Begin." " I know what a risk this is for you." "You have no idea." "And nothing could possibly excuse my having told you a lie." "Begin!" "His name was Jack Watske." "He was a Ukrainian boy from the neighborhood." "A little gangly, but gorgeous." "Did you ever meet anybody and know in a heartbeat you'd do whatever they say?" " You dated?" " We courted." " Meaning?" " We had sex three times." "He told me I had a perfect body!" "I was so inexperienced, I had no idea he was right!" "I still have a fine body but of course it's never the same after childbirth." " Would you please?" " My girlfriend's parents were out of town." "He and I were in a sleeping bag in their backyard." "We made love." "It was so cold outside the sleeping bag, and so warm in it, and afterwards, I cried and cried and cried, and he pretended to understand why." "So that's where I was conceived?" "No, you were conceived a week later, according to a great American tradition." " Speak English." " I fucked him at a drive-in." " What movie?" " Bullitt." " Why did you lie?" " I don't know why." "I thought it was ugly and ordinary, and I wanted to make it beautiful." "If I made him famous and dead, he'd be famously dead, and you wouldn't waste time trying to find him." " I tried for years." "He's unfindable." " How convenient." "Look, don't you think that if I could offer your father up to you, I'd do it," " whatever shape he was in?" " How should I know what you'd do?" " Because I'm telling you!" " What is that worth?" " I'm giving you my word!" " Bernice, look at me." "I will know if you're lying." "Memorise this moment." "I know what I did to you." "I lied in the scariest way imaginable, and now, at the worst of all possible times, when your husband just left you..." "Or did you leave him?" "I get the sense that he left you." "OK, it's none of my business." "It will not happen again." "I knew it." "I knew it." "That's why I said Steve McQueen." " What?" " I knew you'd be ashamed." "It's not that." "Please understand, it's not you as much as me." "I'm glad to have met you, but I'm going through some things, and now is not a good time." "Thank you for understanding, and I really do hope that our paths will cross again." "I'm gonna walk home now, so... goodbye." " You're absurd!" " Give me 72 hours." "Three lousy days." "I want to know you." "I want to meet your brother." "I'm begging you." "I'm on my knees." "Metaphorically speaking, I'm on my knees." "Oh, for God's sake!" "It's Freddy." "Leave me a message." "I'm begging you." "Come with me." "I'm going to this event with her." "She wants to meet you." "Or at least call me back." "I know you're working hard, but I worry." ""I was," mumbled Gun Smith." ""No one had ever tangled with those two varmints and lived to tell the tale."" ""So one day, a drifter..."" "Hello?" " Never mind." " What?" "I have the wrong number." " Miss Epner?" " Hello." " Hi, it's Jimmy Ray." " Of course it is." "Hello, Jimmy Ray, is your father there?" "Dad, it's Miss Epner." " Hello." " God!" "Hello." "It's me, it's Miss Epner." "Hello, Miss Epner." " It's April." " Hi." " Is Jimmy Ray right there?" " Yes." "Oh, God!" "Just please, just say" ""OK, Miss Epner", and I'll call you another time." "OK, Miss Epner." "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called you during the day." "It was a really bad mistake." "OK, Miss Epner." "Are you there?" "Would you like to go out with me tomorrow night?" "More than I can say." " Everybody say, "Send us money!"" " Send us money!" " Oh, you look lovely." " Thank you." "So do you." "Thank you." "I'm glad you didn't bring a date." "It'll be more fun this way." " I did bring a date." " Oh, good, I'm so glad!" " Where is he?" " He's meeting me here." " Oh." "Is this your first date?" " With him or since my husband?" " Either." " Both." " Jesus Christ!" "You want a drink?" " Yes, please." " OK." "April." " Hi." " Hello." "You look beautiful." " Doesn't she?" " Uh, Frank, this is Bernice." "I'm so glad to get to meet you." " Thank you." " I've enjoyed your show." "Oh, you're lying." "You've never seen my show." "I don't do a lot of lying." "Well, that makes one of us." "Hey, beautiful!" "His name is Ted." "I think he has the best ass I've ever seen on a 50-year-old man." " Hey." " Hey." " Oh, you must be April." " Yes." "It's nice to meet you." "This is Frank." " Hello." " A pleasure." " Shall we get some drinks?" " Absolutely." " After you." " No, please, after you." "OK." "Everybody say, "Sake bomb!"" "Sake bomb!" " Oh, my gosh!" " You're telling me!" " I love these." " I knew I liked you." "I don't drink like this." "Well, tonight you do." " Am I being too nice to her?" " No!" " Not nice enough?" " What do you mean?" "This is your mother." "Are you getting what you want from me as your date?" "Oh, God, just that you asked." "You're perfect." "Thank God you're here!" "I am perfect, by the way." "I'm glad you noticed." "Just to get this in..." "before we're hopelessly drunk." "I'm so glad you called." "I know we're not ready, but I love talking to you." "You move me." "This moves me, that you're trying this with her." "I'm so glad I'm here." "Oh!" "God, I'm sorry!" "After he said something like that?" "They should make those things illegal." "I'm sure it's my brother." "I'm sure." "I'm sorry." "I just worry." "Sorry." " Is it you?" " It's me." "Oh." "Hello." " Hi." " Hi." "Sorry, hi." " Everything all right?" " Yes." " Who's that?" " No one." "I'm sorry, I'll be right back." " Hello?" " Yeah, I'm here." " Hi." " Hi." "Hi." "So, how are you?" "Where are you?" "Nowhere special." "Decided to drift around for a while, you know - get lost." "Let the road take me where it wants me to go." " Just tell me." " I'm at my mom's." " That's perfect!" " Don't do that." " What?" " Humiliate me." " Do you know the actual, physical pain..." " Why are you calling me?" "Because I miss you, and I thought now that some time has passed..." "It's been 23 days, you idiot!" "You're ready to be my friend?" "Well..." "OK, I'm glad I called." " Well, take care..." " My mom died." " Did you say..." " Talk to you later." " Wait, when?" " 22 days ago." "Why didn't you call me?" "Oh, I don't know, I guess I just didn't feel that close to you." "I have to, I have to see you." " Oh, no." "I'll end up in bed with you and..." " I want to be there." "Really?" "Do you promise to be there for better or worse, for richer and poorer," " in sickness..." " I miss you." "How much?" "A lot." "Enough?" "That's what I thought." "Be a man and leave me alone!" ""For better or worse."" "I'm gonna guess not your brother, right?" "No." "Oh, where are you going?" " I think I'm leaving." " Please don't leave!" " Now where you going?" " I'm not leaving." " You just said you were leaving." " I was then, now I'm not." "But you're walking away." "I have to do something." "OK." "Are we doing it yet?" "All right, look, you were just talking to your husband about for better or worse and god knows what else, and I just, I feel..." "Aargh!" "Fuck!" "When I feel this way, I find it helps to take my "Aargh fuck" out for a walk, so that's what I'm doing, and you're not invited." "But I will say this, this is a first date, and if you're not done with him who you're married to, if you two aren't done, it's fine." "It's more than fine." "Just tell me." "I'm not ready, anyway." " Frank, I'm done with him." " It's OK if you're not." " But I am." " How do I know?" "You're gonna have to... trust me." "You kidding me?" "And it doesn't feel like a first date, not to me." "You wait until we try to say good night." "I'm sorry again, and I had a wonderful time with you." "I did, too." "See?" "I haven't done this for a long, long time, so, forgive me for not finding a sexier way to put this," " but would you like to come in?" " I can't." "You can't?" "As if having a jealous girlie fit on our first date wasn't emasculating enough," "I have to get home to my kids." "They need their mum, and I'm it." "That's not emasculating." "It's very sexy." "How sexy?" "You have a very nice house." "What?" "You're looking at me." "Of course I am." "Of course you are." "Mm!" " Hello?" " Do you think I should sleep with him?" "Who is this?" "Why aren't you answering your regular phone?" "I called your regular phone." "Because I'm not." "Are you at his house?" " Um..." " Oh, that's fantastic!" "That's just what you need, a great rebound affair." "I think it might be more..." " God, I've gotta get outta here!" " I'm all for it" "Talk to you later." " Are you sl...?" " What happened?" "Shh!" "Why are you in here?" "I sleep in here when I can't sleep." "Oh." "I'm gonna go." " Just lie down here with me." " No, no, no!" "I'm your son's teacher." "Fifteen minutes, please, then you can go." "Mm!" " I don't suppose we could..." " I'm going right now!" "I'm kidding!" "I wouldn't, even if you begged me." "It's possible I'm falling in love with you." "So much for sleeping." " Too much?" " No." "Maybe." "I don't know." "No." "Good." "Cos it scared the shit out of me." "Oh, God!" "All right, sweetie." "All right." "It's your ear." "Come on, sweetheart, I'm right here, I'm right here." "It's your ear acting up again." "Jimmy Ray!" "Jimmy Ray, I need you to wake up." "Jimmy Ray, Ruby's having her ear thing." "I need you to go to my room and get the flashlight by my bed." "Can you do that?" "All right, Daddy's here." "Let's just have a look." "Go on, quick as you can." "Let's have a look." "I'm not gonna touch." "I'm just gonna have a look." "Miss Epner's here." "Hi, how are you?" "Ow!" "Miss Epner and I had a sleepover." "And now we're all gonna go to the hospital, so we can get something to make Ruby's ear feel better." "Get your socks, buddy." "Is there anything I can do?" "Do you want me to lock up after you go?" "You're not coming?" "Yes, I'm coming." " How are you?" " Better." "That's a nice frog." "You could have it." " Seriously?" " I have another." "Thank you." "You wanna give me something?" "I have a mint." "Can you excuse me just a second?" " Hello there." " Hello." " Hello, beautiful." " Hello." " Champagne?" " I'll say." "I'll have a ginger ale, please, and some crackers, if you have any." "Right away." "Ginger ale and crackers?" "Blessed are You our God, King of the Universe," "One Who brings out bread from the earth" " What?" " Are you pregnant?" "What?" "No." "If I am, it would be a world's record." "I only slept with him last night." "Trust me, I am not pregnant." "I'm too old not to have a baby." "Obviously you're not too old to have a baby." "No, I'm too old not to have a baby, and this baby connects me forever to a man," " who is that man you were talking about." " What man?" "Who you know you'll do whatever they say." "Only he's not a man, he's a child really." "A baby." "Oh, Jesus!" " What are you doing?" " This helps me." "Is it helping?" "Not really." "April..." "Allow me." "Mm." " Have a sip." " I'm pregnant!" "It's OK to have a sip of red wine." "Some doctors say it's good." "Mm!" "What, are you nuts?" "You're pregnant!" "Give me that." "Come here." " That's OK, you don't have to do that." " I'm just sitting here." " He lives with his mother?" " Don't get me started." "Now, remember." "What?" "I don't know." "Would your other mother have said something helpful right now?" "You're doing really well." " Hi, Alice." " Oh, hello, dear." "Hello." "Uh, so, how are you?" "Well, you know, my back hurts." "That's too bad." "So, Alice, can Benjamin come out and play?" "Mom, let her in!" "Well, I don't know what you two are up to." " Hi." "Sorry." " Could you come out here?" "Yeah." " Who's that?" " A friend." "I'm pregnant." "Oh." " Oh, my God!" " Mm." "Oh, my God!" "Is it?" "Wow!" "Sweetie, wow!" "Wow." "Are you kidding me?" "What'd I do?" "Say something." "What do you want me to say?" "I don't know." "What does it mean to you?" "How do you want to handle it?" "What do we do now?" " Well, I..." " That sort of thing!" "I wanna try to be with you, I guess." "I'm sorry if I didn't instantly come up with a perfect solution to this very complicated situation!" "It's not complicated!" "I'm having this baby." "You may participate in the raising of this baby." "I can't make you do it, but I would hope that you would wanna be there for the growing up of this person who carries your DNA!" "The first doctor's appointment is in two weeks." "I'll see you there, or I won't." "I'm so sorry." "I've never met anyone like you, ever." "I've never been so much myself with anyone." "Even these few times we've spent together have felt like..." "What?" "Family." "I'm sorry, but it has." "And I know it's fast, but I can only tell you how I feel, and how I feel is that I wanna be near you all the time." "But I have some big decisions to make about how my life's gonna work," " and if you'll have me, so do you." " Why you talking fast?" "Jimmy Ray shouldn't know I'm here." "If we're gonna be family, he should know he didn't dream you up half-naked in his house." "And besides, he knows you're here." "No, I was very careful to wait till he was a safe distance away." "Hi, Miss Epner." "Hi, Jimmy Ray." "D'you wanna be with him - the better or worse guy?" "Is that someone you wanna be with?" " No, it's not." " But if it is..." "But it's not." "Truthfully?" "I wanna be with you." "But being with me is gonna mean being with this." "How pregnant are you?" " They said six weeks." " Six weeks?" "That's what they said, six weeks today." "We met six weeks ago today, actually." " Mm." " Which was the day he left." "You made love on the day we met?" "Ah..." "Yeah." "Sorry." "What happened?" "Um, I've gotta take a walk." " Really?" " Yes, really." "I'm on the brink of asking you to be with me - really, really be with me." "You, who have some other guy's..." "your husband's baby in your stomach, your very beautiful stomach." "I've gotta take a walk." " What about your kids?" " What about them?" " Who's gonna watch them?" " You are." "The walk didn't work." "Your mother's here." "No, she's not." "I told her to wait in the car." "I'm just here if either of you need me." "I can't stand the thought of it." "Of me sleeping with my husband?" "You slept with your wife, at least twice, you know." "It's not like the most appetising thing I've ever imagined." "No, of course it's not." "Hey." "You're pregnant." "Yes, I am." "Way to go." "So now what?" "Both of them, or neither of them, will show up at the doctor's office." "All I know is, I'll be there." "You don't know how to work a blender!" "Take your hat off." "Jeez!" "Hello." " Hello." " Hello." " How are you?" " Hi." " Hi." " Hello." "Hm." "Um..." "Sorry." "So..." "Anyone else coming?" " No." "This is it." " No, this is it." "Uh, could you lower this, please?" "Oh, my God." "This looks really good." "I've seen a couple of these." " Where did she go?" " She'll be back." "Look at that." "Oh, my God." " Oh, my God." " Oh, my God." " So, what exactly is..." " Sorry." " No, go ahead." " No, no, go ahead." "He, or she just looks great." "Can I have a look at that before I have to run?" "She's beautiful." "We made a baby." " You look pretty." " It's the hormones." "Whatever." "Oh!" "Your back?" "Yeah." "Oh!" "Ohh!" "Oh." "Ah..." "Oh." " Really?" " Uh-huh." "Mm." "Um..." "Um..." " Anything?" " What?" "Do you have anything to say?" "Don't." "I don't know what to say." " Oh!" " See ya." "I thought we were having dinner after the show." "I'm in trouble." "Come with me." "Phew!" " They're ready for you." " We're gonna run late today." " OK." " I'm panicking." " Tell me." " I sort of... slept with my husband." "Well, almost." "Ohh!" "Break-up sex, but it's kind of great, right?" "Don't." "Don't be glib about this." "I'm with a man who sees me, really sees me, and somehow still wants to be with me, and I want him and I just blew it!" " Oh, God, it's him!" " I don't suppose you've cheated before." " Mm-mm." " Of course not." "With someone who's bad for me." "What am I gonna do?" "Here's what we're going to do." "I'm going to go in and rehearse, so everyone knows what they're doing, and then I'm going to send everyone home, and we're going to shoot the show tonight, or in a couple of hours, or maybe never." "OK?" " Thank you." " Mm." "OK." "Edie, I have to tell you, Sunday nights are about the..." "A good question." "Shall we make gay marriage a priority during this election, or should we just not take the bait?" "If Pam dies, what happens to our daughter?" "I have no rights." " Oh, thank you." " It's very scary." "Very scary." "At least I'm not one of those insular gay men, who throws himself into his work, and devotes himself to people who can never love him back romantically." "What we want to ask you is, do you think it's right..." "It's so hard for anyone to meet someone." "Have you ever seen the show she did on you?" "I can't be around people who have adopted children." "Especially girls." "Have you ever tried to find her?" "Endlessly." "On the Internet." "Um, I put ads in the paper." "Do you feel... haunted?" "Yes." "Whenever there are kids around," "I'm always looking for her face." "In shopping malls, in the parks." "I have something I want to say." "I hadn't planned on doing this, but hearing you speak, it's just something I have to do." "I had a child that I gave up for adoption." "It was many, many years ago." "I was very young." "I tried, God knows, but the year I spent with that child was the scariest, most darkly miserable time of my life." "One minute you're cuddling in a sleeping bag and the next minute, you've ruined the rest of your life." "Can you rewind this?" " To the beginning?" " Um, no, just a little." "I tried, God knows, but the year I spent with that child was the scariest..." "Go back again, just... five seconds." "Are you sure?" " Yeah, in fact, I don't..." " Could you go one sentence back?" "...but the year I spent with that child was the scariest, most darkly miserable time of my life." "Finally, I said uncle." "Do you think you just hand it over?" "You probably put it down somewhere, and the next people come along and pick it up?" "Hey, can I find you some dry clothes?" "You want me to get it?" "It's me!" " Maybe you'll feel better if you talk to her." " I can hear you in there." "Don't make me bang the door down." " Hello." " Hi." "I've seen your picture." "She doesn't wanna see you right now." "Too bad, I'm her mother." "Maybe another day would be better." "Unless you say no, I'll leave you alone to have a private conversation." " She's afraid to be left alone with me?" " I'm not afraid to be left alone." "I'll be on my beeper if you need me." " Alan had no right..." " Are you capable of telling the truth?" "I was fifteen years old." "That's a little bit older than some of the kids in your school." "Your father disappeared." "My father completely turned his back on me." "Was I breast feeding?" "My mother said I'd ruined my life." "They threw me out!" "I had a bag of clothes and 48 dollars." "I didn't know if rent was $6 or $600!" "I didn't know how to open a fucking can of soup!" "You wouldn't stop crying." "I get it." "I watched the tape." "So did millions of others." "Well, not millions." "How many people watch your show?" "Did you see on the tape that I went to my father with his grandchild in my belly, and begged him for help, and that he turned me away?" "Did you see that I never forgave him, that I didn't even go to his funeral?" "You just saw the parts that made me look bad." "I thought it was for the best!" "Like an idiot, I thought it was for the best, and then it was too late!" "Too late?" "Like if you had it to do over, it would be different?" "You'd sacrifice your fabulous life to sit there with a cranky, moody kid who got sick?" "A lot, by the way." "Sore throats, like on fire, ten a year!" "You'd sit up till six in the morning, rubbing her down with alcohol, because her fever's around 106, and that's about the time when if you miss the signs, you got a brain-damaged kid for the rest of your life?" "You'd get this girl grown up just to let her know that you didn't love her enough?" "Or the right way?" "Your mother wasn't perfect." "She told me the truth." "She did her best." "She was there." "Just say you wanted a life more than you wanted me." "I wanted a life..." "more than I wanted you." " Hello?" " Hi, it's me." "Listen, that's never gonna happen again." "I really don't think it should." " Good." " I want to help with all this." "OK." "Any thoughts on how?" " Uh..." " Wait." "Can you say that again - the part about wanting to help?" "I really want to help with all of this." "I really, really do." "Thank you." "I want that, too." " I've been scared to death." " Sorry." " I imagined you dead on the roadside." " Sorry." "I imagined you dead in the arms of a handsome stranger." "French guy, for some reason, which was an even worse image." " I mean..." " I said I'm sorry!" " What?" " What's going on?" " Nothing." " Something happen?" " No." " What are you not telling me?" "What could I not be telling you?" "Well, I don't know." "Perhaps you don't love me, you made a horrible mistake, and you want to take the whole thing back." "I do love you." "I don't wanna take the whole thing back." "Listen, some..." "I think he dropped something." "You're taking a walk?" " What about the kids?" " What do you care?" " I care." " Clearly?" " I do." " Go... home!" "Not my home - yours!" "Go!" " I don't have one without you." " That's not my problem." " What do you do on these walks?" " You don't want to know." " Yes, I do." " I say all the things I don't say to you." " All the things I spare you from." " Like what?" "Like, go to hell!" "Like, get your own children!" "And like, what's the matter with you that you don't have children anyway?" "And like, what kind of mother are you gonna be, if you can walk out on your children without a second thought?" " You know they're..." " What?" "Not your children?" "It's just possible some of this is what you wanted to say to your wife." "Oh, really, you think so?" "Do you understand I can't even take a walk?" " It must be..." " Go to hell!" "I don't have to be with you, I don't have to care for you or this godforsaken baby!" " Don't say that!" " All I have to do, is care for my children until they're old enough to do it for themselves." "I don't even have to like it, or them." "Fuck them, and fuck you!" " So, how long have you guys been dating?" " Oh, not long." "We had a date tonight and, uh, she works right down the street, so we decided to meet here." "Cool." "So, hello, hi, great to see you." " Great to see you all." " Good to see you." " Uh, and you are?" " Freddy." "Freddy." "Well, great." " Great." " Oh, God, I'm her brother!" " Great." "So... shall we?" " Yes." " And you're at..." " Ten weeks?" "Ten weeks." "Have you seen these before?" "My brother's a doctor." "Yeah, I have." "Can you tell us what we're seeing?" "Uh, just one moment, please." "Any chance we can hear that squishing sound again?" "That's the best thing I ever heard." "What's happening?" "What's happening?" "April..." "I'm not seeing a heartbeat." "Amein." "Hello." "Oh, amein." "How often is she out there?" "She comes on Fridays a lot, because she knows I'm home." "April... adopt a baby." " How could you?" " It's the same." " How would you know?" " Maybe it's better." "You don't know what it's like to be adopted." "You don't know what it's like to not be adopted!" "Right?" "What's it like?" "It was exhausting." "It was embarrassing sometimes." " Want me to bring her out some chicken?" " You can." " Why don't you?" " I would like to forgive her." "I'm tired of being so mad." "I've tried." "I can't." "Make her buy you something." " I beg your pardon?" " She's loaded." " Maybe it'll make you feel better." " That's ridiculous." "Make her buy me something." "A car." "Yours is on its last legs." "A house." "A very small house." "Make her buy something you really want but can't afford." " I'm here." " Ahh!" "Jesus fucking Christ!" " Sorry." " I mean Jesus." "Hm." "How are you?" "Sick... every day over what I did to you." "Good." "I mean, I think that's probably good." "Yeah, I guess so." "I want you to make it up to me." "This is for me, you understand, not for you, for me." "I think I will be happier in the long run if you try to make it up to me." "OK." "I want you to buy me a baby." "Oh, well, that's easy!" "I'm plugged into all kinds of adoption." "In China they're throwing them..." "No, I want you to buy me a baby that I'm going to have." "I'm almost forty, so I don't have much time." "It's very expensive." "I want you to pay for it." "After they do it, I have to lie still for two hours." "I hate lying still." "I want you to be there, find ways to help me." "Twelve days later, I take a pregnancy test." "Five hours after that, I find out." "If you make one false move, I'll never speak to you again." "If you don't, then maybe we can be in each other's lives a little." "You understand that's all that's possible right now - a little." "Can I put my pants on?" ""Hair - average."" " As opposed to?" " Thin, thick, or balding." ""Artistic ability - none."" " None?" " None." " Jesus." " Mm." ""How would you describe yourself?"" ""Hard working, intelligent, warm, caring, sexy, and contemplative."" "I'm keeping this one for me." "You need to just stick it." " Thousands of Chinese girls..." " I'm not adopting a Chinese baby." "Then bend over." " Is there anything I can do?" " No." " Are you ready?" " Mm-hm." "Do you want to pray?" "She does that." "She prays." " Want to say a little prayer or something?" " No." " I'm so sorry to interrupt." " What is the matter with you?" " Could you uh, give us a minute?" " Bernice, listen to me right now!" "I'm sorry." "Just a minute." "Just find us when you're ready." "We'll be around." "What?" " Why don't you wanna pray?" " What do you care?" "I don't!" "I don't give a shit, but you do!" "You told me that." "You pray before you eat a bowl of spaghetti!" "And now, right before you do the most important thing you'll ever do in your life, suddenly you're not interested?" "This is none of your business." "Get out of my way." "Say a prayer with me and I will." "I don't want to pray." "One stupid little prayer." "No!" "Move!" "Maybe you just don't want it badly enough." "You have no idea how badly I want it." "Then why won't you pray?" "Why?" "Because I'm not gonna hand this wish over to some... whatever it is, who's supposed to be loving, who... who..." "I had faith." "Oh." "I thought..." "God was... good." "Maybe God is..." "What?" "Difficult." "Awful." "Complicated." "Like me?" "It took the one man on earth who's right for me and I dropped him on his head." "Right." "You did." " How are we doing?" " We're done." " I'm sorry." " No problem." "Wait." "# Hear O Israel # the Lord our God" "What does that mean?" "Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One." "What does that mean?" "Listen, O Israel, the God of Love and the God of Fear are one." "Well." "Hello." "Thank you for seeing me." "You're standing between me and my front door, so, it's literally the least I could do." "I heard what happened." "I'm sorry I called the baby godforsaken." "It turns out she was." "I miss you." "Do you miss me?" "What do you want, April?" "I wanna look at you... for a long, long time." "What else?" "There's a chance my life may change in a few hours." "It may not, but it may... and before it does, I wanna say two things." "I know what I did to you." "To you in particular." "Like a worst nightmare kind of thing, right?" "I knew that." "Even at the time, I knew that." " What else?" " I'll do it again." "I will." "I'll hurt you again and again." "Not like that." "You'd have to leave me if I hurt you like that." "If we were together, you'd leave me if I hurt you like that again, wouldn't you?" "Yes." "Yes, I would." "Good." "But I'll hurt you in other ways." "Little ways." "I won't mean to, but I will." "And sometimes, I will mean to." "This is quite an offer you've worked up." "You'll hurt me, too, you know?" "You'll hurt me and change on me." "You might leave me after you promise you won't." "How about that?" " I wouldn't." " You might." " But I wouldn't!" " But... you might." "Yeah, I guess I might." "So?" " Oh, God!" " I know." "I'm sorry." "So?" "Just need to get that little wine glass." "That's great." "Hey, where's your dad?" "I got her." "I'll see you inside." "There is a Jewish story." "An ordinary Jewish joke." "A father was teaching his little son to be less afraid, to have more courage." ""Jump," he said, "and I'll catch you."" "And the little boy trusted him, and the little boy jumped." "And when his father caught him, he felt filled with love." "And when he didn't, he was filled with something else - something... more." "Life." "Amein."