"What can I get you?" "Coffee with cream." " Actually, could I get a couple of them?" " Sure." "Thank you." "Here." "I hate to think of you undercaffeinated." "It's 8 a.m. Shouldn't you be in a wet suit somewhere?" "Early poli-sci." "And you're actually going?" "Yeah." "I even bought this amazing pen that accents text in neon colors." "A highlighter." "Lots of advancements since the last time I buckled down." " How about you?" " Violence in Early Adolescence." "Need me to autograph your textbook?" "Thanks, but..." "So, what do I owe you for the joe?" "Just pay it forward." "By the way, I'm throwing a birthday party for Parker this weekend." "I've been studying up." "I watched My Super Sweet 16." "You don't know where I could get a dozen eunuchs, do you?" "Not offhand." "I could make some calls." "If you're not busy, I know she'd like you to be there." "We both would." "Think about it." "Is Mr. Mars in?" "No." "Sorry, we've shut down for a while." "You own Babylon Gardens, don't you?" "My dad and I get takeout there all the time." "I went to high school with your daughter." "Our restaurant was vandalized." "Rocks through our window." "They spray painted "terrorist" on our door." "Is there someone who can help us?" "I believe there is." "Jimmy." "Hey, your tab." "Hey, come on." "Sign it and hit the road." "Tomorrow, I'll set the cameras." "Tonight, it's the old-fashioned stakeout." "I took this case so I wouldn't have time to dwell on Parker's birthday party." "And now here I am, sitting in a car with nothing  but a whole lot of dwelling time on my hands." "Yeah, like since my senior year when you made my Pirate Points worthless." "Good memory." "I heard you were at Hearst, but I haven't seen you." "We have different circles, I guess." "What are you doing out here?" "Your mom hired me to watch the place in case there are any more incidents." "My mom hired you?" "Yep." "Have a blast." "I just got off the phone with County." "The kid's never gonna walk again." "Any idea what a 19-year-old was doing drinking in here?" "ID said he was 21." "Yeah." "I saw it." "It also said he was 6'3", 220 and blond." "You can go home now." "We'll pay you for the time that you put in." "I can handle it myself." "It was a mistake to hire you." "It was not a mistake." "You'll fall asleep out here in your car." "You work too hard to be able to stay up all night." "This is the Mars girl." "Her father is the acting sheriff." "Have you thought about Nasir?" "Besides, this is no job for a girl, a classmate of Amira's." "What choice did I have?" "I knew you would react this way." "Surprise." "Cashmere." "Why is this happening?" "Not a great time to be Arab in America." "Twenty years, we've been in this country." "Twenty years, we've been Americans." "I'm a Yankee-Doodle-Damn-Dandy." "And now, this." "The license plate was removed but I caught a glimpse of a bumper sticker." "It should be enough to go on." "Really?" "Unless it was a "Hello, my name is" sticker how's that any good?" " The person who owns that pickup has a child who's an honor student at Neptune Middle." "Do you want me to track them down or not?" "Look at these ads." ""Two-fer Tuesday." "It's Raining Gin." "Dollar shot night."" "Let me change first." "Man, you party hard." "It's a college paper." "Only a quarter of the students at Hearst are 21." "I'm not sure where this rant is going." "A 19-year-old kid was drinking at The Break tonight with a gumball-level ID." "He stumbled out and a car hit him." "Looks like he'll never walk again." ""Bucket o' Beer Bonanza"?" "You have any idea if they're known for allowing underage drinking?" "Famous for, is more like it." "It's nicknamed The Cake for how easy it is to get in." "But most of the campus-area bars are pretty lax from what I've heard." "Because the only buckets I order come in original and extra crispy." "I have it on good authority that The Break and other campus-area bars on the list you're receiving are knowingly serving underage students." "I want surprise checks in every one of these bars tonight." "Looks like my credit card statement." "What's the priority level, sheriff?" "Obviously, if you get a call, take it, but otherwise I want these bars scared straight." "Gentlemen?" "Jim Wilson was 19." "I want this taken seriously." "Yes, sir." "You used to work for him." "Was he always like this?" "I wouldn't test him." "We have a guest in honors homeroom today." "Miss Mars is doing a survey about gun awareness for her college criminology course." "I trust you'll give her your full attention, as Honor Points are in effect." "What does a criminologist do?" "Oh, grads usually go into work in law enforcement." "I'm considering pursuing a career at the FBI." " You're a girl." " Ronald." "Actually, Ronald, did you know that, on average girls develop faster than boys and have higher levels of cognitive functioning including math calculation, written language and verbal fluency?" "So?" "Well-put, Ronald." "We need firemen too." "We all know guns are dangerous." "But I also study the dangers and implications of the impact of toy guns, like pellet guns, BB guns or paintball guns." "Raise your hand if you have a family member who owns a pellet or BB gun?" "Now, how about paintball guns?" "Okay." "Now, whose family has a big yellow pickup truck?" "Miss Mars?" "I'm sorry, I'm not sure I understand where this is going." "Yeah." "Me either." "Man, you got hit again." "All right." "Okay, okay, go, go, go." "There you go." "Yes." "Yes." "Oh, God, what are you doing, man?" "Yo, bitch." "What up?" "Stings." "I know because you shot me last night." "I got some bad news for you boys." "I'm close with the local sheriff, and he simply hates hate-crimes." "Self-hate in your case." "Dude, she shot you." "Keep up, Towelie." "Self-hate." "What?" "Spray-painting the front of Babylon Gardens." "Ringing any bells?" " What?" " Say "what" again." "I dare you." " I double dare you." " What?" "Oh, God, someone wrote "terrorist" at Babylon Gardens?" "Check out the big brain on Brett." "I'll give you a hint." "It was you." "We didn't do anything like that." "I can prove it." "Look, white people." "See?" "Anyone's a target." "So I'm straight." "Your defense is that you shoot everyone." "Not just Arabs." "Is that Mr. Clemmons?" "Yeah, nailing Clemmy was sweet." "Do I look like someone who'd spray-paint "terrorist" on a Middle Eastern restaurant?" "Fine." "Give me the DVD." "Any more drive-bys and that finds its way to the sheriff." "Now, everyone grab their Visine." "You have an appointment." "Hey, you." "I still see some green by the door jamb." "Are you sure these aren't the same vandals who did the spray-painting?" "Pretty sure." "Are you sure we should hang one on the door again?" " I mean, are we asking for trouble?" " I won't be intimidated, Sabirah." "What do you think?" "They stole the last one we put up." "Don't ask her." "This isn't about her." "If it was me, I'd put one up twice as big." "You see?" "Two to one." "Democracy in action." "I gotta run some errands for the party." " Thanks for all your help, by the way." " Check it out." "Two hot chicks I met on MySpace." "Both in play." "Both eager to meet the Dickster face to face." "Question." "And I need you to dig deep here." "Which one do I invite?" "Lazy eye might work to your advantage." "Trick question." "Just goes to show how whipped you are." "The correct answer is both." " And if they both show?" " Then I do a quick heat-check." "Whichever's engine's running hotter gets Dick." " You mean, whomever's." " Whatever." "What can I say?" "We hit them all." "Full sweeps." "They were clean." "Deputy Gills you don't find it strange?" "College town, surprise inspections and not one of my deputies issues a single citation?" "Not really." "Those bars do a good job of keeping the minors out." "I hate to say it, but the kid who got hit, he's the exception." "What are the odds?" "So let's see how Babylon Gardens survived the night without me." "All seems well." "Who is this guy and what's he doing skulking around?" "Sneed Batmen?" "Does Sneed Batmen ring any bells?" "For some reason it sounds familiar." "Hello?" "Mac?" "Sneed?" "Sorry." "Bronson and I went on a hike this morning." "I'm wiped." "A hike?" "You?" " Yes." " Morning?" "You?" " I wanted to see what it was like." " And?" "It's sunny." "Sounds like things are good with Bronson." "Any better and he'd have you jump through fiery hoops." "You ready?" "You can offer them our table." "Sure." "Hey, you guys." "Thanks for the table." "It takes me back to high school." "Remember, Logan?" "We'd sit at the same lunch table and make fun of the fat kids." "I'm sorry, we went to the same high school?" "Yeah." "We ran over that fisherman and promised to take the secret to our graves." " I remember the fisherman." " You bet you could turn me into a super-hot prom date as a joke, but you ended up falling in love with me?" " Nope." "Lost it." " Please stop." "Gotta split." "Sorry, late." "Hey, my birthday party?" "You can come, right?" "You know me." "If there's a birthday party, I'm wearing a pointy hat." "You and Logan seem chummy." "I never thought of him when you two were dating." "The surly thing, you know." "But since he's been around so much lately I see the sweet side." "Probably the side you saw all the time." "Oh, yeah." "That side." "So about Parker's party, if I must go..." "You must." "You must." "What do you say I swing by your place early and you hit me on the head with a hammer before we go." "Not that I wouldn't love to cross that off my to-do list but I promised Parker and Logan I'd help set up." "Wanna come?" "Rain check." "I'll find reinforcements elsewhere." "It's like the new Rocky Horror." "At one point people throw plastic spoons at the screen." "You have to check it out." "It will change your life." "Relax." "I'm here to invite you to a party." "Saturday night." "Rocking good time." "The catch?" "There's no catch." "I just need a couple wingmen." "It's Parker's birthday party." "There's strength in numbers." "You soldiers up for Mission:" "Moral Support?" " Okay." "Cool." "I'm in." "I think Piz has to..." " No, Piz is in." "Sounds like fun." "Maybe we can pregame beforehand." " You come by the room, and we could..." " Cool." "Okay." "Sorry." "Gotta boogie." "I thought you were going to Yo Yo Taco on Saturday." "Yo La Tengo." "Yeah." "But, you know, this sounds more fun." "What?" "You're like one of those guys who stands behind the poker table and pretends he's playing." "Sorry, I've never been to Vegas." "What exactly...?" "Every once in a while you gotta go all-in." " Great." "Will do." " Excellent." " I don't know what that means." " We're going out tonight." "You're gonna talk to some girl who knows you're alive." "Wait, actually, that's not what it means, but it's a start." "Sorry to bother you." "Sneed Batmen, what is that?" "Sneed hall." "It's the chemistry building." "The Batmen are the intramural softball team." "This is embarrassing, but I sort of flirted with number 11 the other day in the library." "You wouldn't happen to know his name?" "Sure." "Jason Cohen." "I found out Jason Cohen lives at the Zeta Epsilon house  the Jewish fraternity." "Curious." "What the hell?" "Okay." "Peeping Tom in a tree takes off on a bike." "I feel like I stumbled into a Benny Hill sketch." "Amira?" "You mind telling me what's going on here?" "Better question:" "Why the hell are you here?" "I'm here because I have surveillance footage of Jason skulking around your parents' restaurant after closing." "He wasn't skulking." "Jason's my boyfriend." "Oh, I'm gonna kill Nasir." " Who?" " Nasir." "He works at the restaurant." "His student visa expired and my parents agreed to give him a job." "I was supposed to marry the guy." " Really?" " Don't ask." "Those pictures will literally kill my dad." "Are they X-rated?" "But it's not the nudity." "It's my costar the Jew." "However long it takes to get those photos developed and pedal over to my dad's house that's how long it'll be until I'm disowned." "There's only two one-hour photo places open this late and Nasir's on a bike." "I'll see what I can do." "Hi." "My boyfriend is a tad embarrassed to pick up the photos we just dropped off." "There are a few special moments with special friends-type shots?" "Men." "It's all rah-rah-rah until you find yourself in an all-night photomat." "How much do we owe you?" "That's your boyfriend?" "Yeah." "It's like I'm dating a young Omar Sharif." "Desert Fever." "What're you gonna do?" "Are they ready?" "I'm on the last one." "I've had some problems with the machine jamming." "Okay." "Sorry." "Do you have the time?" "Eleven-fifteen." "Thank you." "Arab men." "So macho." "Nasir." "See you at the apartment." "Don't be late." "My photos?" "Are they done?" "Your girlfriend just picked them up." "Girlfriend?" "I don't know that woman." " You gave her my pictures?" " Sir." "Count to ten, please." "I am not the enemy." "I have a few of the prints that were only half-developed when the machine jammed." "It's worth losing 20 bucks just to get to talk to her." " We came here for me, remember?" " That was before I saw her." "Oh, no, you don't." "No, Judas." "I got 20 bucks that says you can whip my ass and make me like it." "Well, I do like a confident man." "Look what I found." "Thank you, Veronica." "I must say, your spurned suitor he may be crazy, but, oh, my." "If I didn't mind being treated as property, he might be tempting." "Explain this." "Now!" "Nasir says this boy lives in a Jewish fraternity." "Is he a Jew?" "Being with this boy is what has caused all of this." "The threats, the vandalism." "The community has obviously found out and turned against us." "When you say community, do you mean Jewish or Arab?" "Either." "Both." "I don't know." "The restaurant is no longer your concern." "You're fired." "Leave." "I work for your wife." "If she wants me fired, she can give me a call." "Mr. Murphy, one of my deputies told me you wanted a private audience." "I was in the neighborhood." "You know why people enjoy going to bars, sheriff?" "They can drink at home." "People wanna relax." "Let their hair down." "That's not easy to do when every 10 minutes uniformed deputies are showing up, harassing them." "The funny thing is, I always backed the badge." "In fact, I usually buy a large amount of sheriff department raffle tickets every year." "Sheriff Lamb, God rest his soul really appreciated his relationship with local businesses." "So how many tickets do you think The Break should buy this year, sheriff?" "You know, just to make sure that we keep working together." "Ten bucks a pop?" "Maybe 500 tickets?" "We won't be having a raffle this year, Mr. Murphy." "The hospital is having a pancake breakfast." "Perhaps you could better serve the community by giving to them." "Are you sure you're thinking this all the way through, sheriff?" "Your boys really enjoy those new uniforms every year." "Tournament fees taken care of the post-game pitchers of beer on the house." "It's like I'm one of the team." " Wallace?" " Oh, man." " Mr. Mars." " Last time I saw you, you were 19." "And that was just a couple weeks ago." "I ID'd those boys myself." "You can check it." "If they're not legit, I'll shut this place down right now." "Wallace." "Stosh." "Mind if I see those IDs of yours?" "I guess I don't have to ask where you got these." "You recognize the work?" "Out of 37 citations yours truly wrote in six campus-area bars last night no fake ID could hold a candle to your standards." "You may not wanna believe this, but there are mistakes you can't take back." "What if they had gotten drunk, stumbled into the street like Jim Wilson?" "Would you wanna explain that to their parents?" " Hello." " It's happened again." "I'll check the camera." "I'll be right over." "I've never seen this man." "No problem." "I can track him." "I just wanted to see if you knew who he was first." "Fortunately, the vandal took the bait." "One Arabic scroll with a tracer stitched inside." "I help you find something?" "Look what I've got." "It's a surveillance photo from Babylon Gardens." "Shows you painting "terrorist" on their building." "Well, you ain't a cop." "So my response is gonna have to be, so the hell what?" " Why'd you do it?" " lf you ask, you ain't been paying attention." "That's it?" "You're just another close-minded redneck who thinks it's his patriotic duty to harass innocent people?" "Not quite." "I know where you live now." "In about five minutes, I'll know your name." "The family you're harassing is gonna press charges." "Derrick, what have you done now?" "This girl wants to know why I spray-painted "terrorist" on that restaurant." "You really think Babylon Gardens is a terrorist front?" "As a matter of fact, I do." "Sorry about my little brother." "He's been pretty worked up since I came home like this." "The dude who works there was passing these out by the mall." "I followed him to the restaurant on his bike." "Iraqis laughing at dead Americans?" "If that ain't terrorist propaganda then I don't know what is." "Generally, the satisfaction of nailing someone  for a crime like this is its own reward." "So where's the sugar rush of sweet justice I should be feeling right now?" " Hello." " Hi." "So his name is Derrick Karr." "He admitted to vandalizing your restaurant after he was handed this by Nasir." "He was distributing them outside the mall." "Derrick followed him back here." "Derrick's brother was shot up in Iraq." "His brother was a soldier?" "Yeah, but he had no idea what Derrick had done." "I did some checking." "Derrick's on probation for stealing cars." "If you press charges it will mean some jail time for him." "I want to meet this man." "Mister..." "Sheriff Mars." "Hello, Stosh." "What do you say we head out, have a few beers?" " This is one of those trick questions." " I've got some new IDs for you." "Wallace." " This picture is Jon Bon Jovi." " Yes, it is." "Biggie Smalls?" "We don't really all look alike, Mr. Mars." "I know that, Wallace." "Now let's go out and get our drink on." "Non-alcoholic beer." "All of the peeing, none of the fun." "Quit complaining." "One night of this and we're off the hook." "If things work out with Miranda this could be one of those cool first-time-we-met stories." "What about it is cool?" "And by the way, you invited her to join us at Logan's party." "That lack of pimp juice is gonna cost you, son." "All right." "Let's have all you finest minds of SoCal put your IDs in the air and wave them around like you just don't care." "Seriously?" "Thank you, and good night." "This waste of time has been brought to you by the temporary sheriff of Balboa County." " You get that, Mr. Mars?" " Got it." "Last night I ordered another sweep of the bars." "Smith, Jones, Taylor, Gills, clean out your lockers." "You're fired." "You're firing us?" "You're the substitute teacher." "We were hired by Don Lamb." "I know these guys better than you, Keith." "You try to pull this stunt, we all walk." "Fair enough." "There's the door." " You don't have the stones..." " Leave your badge on the desk and get the hell out of my station." " You." " I've got some people who wanna meet you." "Rashad and Sabirah Kirmani, this is Derrick Karr." "They own Babylon Gardens." "I wanted to meet you." "Talk to you." " Lucky me." " lf they report you, it's off to jail you go." "So I end up in jail." "My brother ends up in a wheelchair." "These foreigners spit on America and everything it stands for?" "What it stands for?" "Do you even know what it stands for?" "Saying you love America is easy." "It's easy until someone spray-paints "terrorist" on your door." "It's easy until you're handed a flyer that mocks the sacrifice of your brother." "We all came from somewhere else." "We all are trying to make it." "In America, whatever you stand for, you're supposed to get a fair shot." "That is what your brother was fighting for, in case you wanted to know." "So turn me in, Ali Baba." "Makes no difference to me." "He'll be in jail in an hour." "No, no." "Don't turn him in." "I suspect that our troubles with Mr. Karr are over." "I'm glad I had a chance to speak with the man." "Are you sure?" "Okay." "I'm so proud of you." "Your words were so inspirational." "I was wondering, do they apply to your daughter as well?" "I guess I should meet the boy." "And what do we do about Nasir?" "Well, he didn't break any laws handing out the flyer." "I support his right to exercise free speech." "But that doesn't mean that I have to support him." "Or shelter him." "That cartoon pissed me off." "It was un-American." "Nasir Ben Hafaiedh you're in this country on an expired l-20 Student Visa." "In accordance with INS 214, any statements you make can be used in a court of law, immigration or administrative proceeding." "Hey, honey." "Just in time." "Are you hungry?" "No." "But the food's free." "Wallace called." "He and Piz are gonna meet you at the party." "He said you'd understand." " They're ditching me?" " I warned him you wouldn't understand." "Score one for Dad." "By the way, you didn't tell me I made the front page of the Lampoon." "Had to have been tough on you the last couple days having your old man back as sheriff." "Actually, it's been tough on me knowing I let you down." "I'm sorry about those IDs." "I vow to use the Mars powers for good rather than evil from now on." "There's never a stenographer around when you need one." "Things I'd rather do than attend this party solo:" "Seven minutes of heaven with Scott Peterson." " Hold the door." " Ride the space elevator with Dick." "Always the lady." "You came." "Good for you." "Thought something like this would be, you know, unbelievably awkward." " Your fly's open." " I know." "Party ritual." "Veronica Mars." "What's that line about the beginning of some sort of friendship?" "Later." "Why are you looking at me like that?" "Sorry, I was afraid you were trying to get back at Logan by coming as Dick's date." "Yeah, nothing says "I'm over you" like dating down." "Couch opening." "Okay." "This couch is our social foxhole for the next 60 minutes of battle." "Defend it at all costs." "Hey, Veronica and friend." "Sorry." "Right." "Max." "This is my friend Mac." "Mac, Max." "Where are my manners?" "Sit." "Defend." "Decide which one of you is changing their name." "I'll be right back." " Hey, you made it." " Hey, bozos." "We had plans." "Your Dad didn't give you the message?" "You were supposed to be my wingmen." "What mission could be more important than that?" "Here you go, boys." "I see." "Battle of the bulge." "Veronica Mars, Miranda Apfel." " Hey." " Hi." "I loved the quote you have up on your MySpace page." " What was it again?" " "The Dude abides." "I don't know about you, but I take comfort in that."" "What else do you take comfort in?" "Drinks." "Be right back." "Can I get everyone's attention for one minute?" "Now, I had this whole My Super Sweet 19 thing planned for tonight." "But it turns out the hotel has a policy on Bengal tiger rides." "There was one ludicrous thing I was able to pull off that I hope makes up for it." "You remembered." "Oh, my God." " You're kidding." " My dad does half the team's taxes." "We should go to a game sometime." "We can spend halftime in my private box." "Awesome." "Would you give me a few minutes?" "I have some party responsibilities to attend to." "Hey, there." " Isn't he yummy?" " I know." "You just wanna eat him up." " Thank you." " Me?" "You're the one dishing out cake." "I was worried that things were gonna be weird and..." "But you're just a class act." "I'm happy for you guys." "I've never seen him on a cake like this." " Feel free to just hack in anywhere." " Okay." "Here you go." "That's brilliant." "An online Purity Test?" "So, basically, you got people to detail their sex lives." "And be scored accordingly." "Then I sold their sexual secrets to their peers for 10 bucks a pop." "I like how you think." "Veronica busted me but kept quiet." "We've been friends ever since." "Checking out the talent?" "How is it you have so many friends?" "You don't even like people." "And yet, they adore me." "I girded myself for seeing you with a date, you know." "Proof you weren't pining away." "All the periodically good ones were taken." "And I pine for no man." "Maybe you should try branching out." "Who knows, maybe there's a consistently good one here." "So you sell tests?" "Sorry, study guides." "It's not easy." "Undergrad courses change quarter to quarter visiting professors switch up curriculums, there are TA's to bribe." "It's exhausting." " Tell me you're a business major." " Philosophy." "No lie." "I think, therefore I am." "Okay." "Seriously, did my friends hire you?" "Hey, the host says you're a big-time swing dancer." "You're not gonna believe this." "Hottie Internet chicks found out about each other?" "Talked it over and they're into it." " Into it?" " Doublemint, baby." " Like they're becoming twins?" " What?" "Dude, I don't have time for this." "They sent me on a plaything scavenger hunt." "Do we have any peanut oil?" " Here?" "In the room?" " I didn't think so." "What about an ice bucket?" "Hey, what's up?" " What going on?" " Lisa's a friend of mine." "Who's Lisa?" "I'm Lisa, dipwad." "When you're perving my online profile you should look at the friends list too." "Not just the pictures." "Just thought we'd come by and say hi." "Great party." "Bye." "No." "Don't go." "No way." "I've heard your show." "Maybe you could dedicate something to me?" "Absolutely." "Even though it's a talk show I could dedicate a segment on campus neighborhood zoning to you." "There you are." "This is a break-glass-in-case-of-emergency situation." "I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend." "Sorry, you're right, babe." "Bad boyfriend." "Fresh drink coming up, okay?" "Could you give us a second?" "Sure." "You need to listen to me right now, okay?" " What you're doing is cruel." " Are you kidding?" "When I told him my name he did that banana-fanna-fo-fanna thing." "Not him." "Piz." "If you don't know, he has a thing for you." " Piz doesn't have..." " You're smarter than that." "Be a good person." "Just put him out of his misery." "There's my sugar." " What?" " Nothing." "I gotta get back to Miranda." "You wanna get some air?" " I owe you an apology." " You do?" "I do." "You've been so sweet to me and I really like hanging out with you." "You're great." "I've just..." "I've been so focused on my own romantic drama I've kind of been blind to everything else." "Basically what I'm saying is that I think your head may have been in one place and mine's been in another..." "Just friends." "I get it." "Shut up." "I'm taking off." "Hey, where are you going?" "What happened?" "I went all-in." " Two hundred percent." " Thanks." "You seen Piz?" "He just took off." "You're leaving?" "Yeah, well, I'm a fan of the dramatic exit." "Truthfully, I don't know how the night could get any better than that." "You sure about that?" "[ENGLISH]"