"Hey!" "I'm talking to you, come over here." " Can you hold it for a minute?" " Sure, gladly." "How beautiful you are!" " Better now?" " Not really." "There was once in Westphalia in the castle of Baron Thunder-ten-Tronckh  a young man whom nature had endowed with a very gentle character." "He was good, judicious and simple." "You could read his soul in his eyes." "Maybe that's why they called him Candide." "And he's been Candide ever since." "Bye!" "The Baroness, though she weighed a mere 350 lbs  radiated a dignity that made her seem even stouter and more respectable." "The Baron loved good food..." " ... and was an amateur astronomer." " Laugh!" "Everyone laughed at his anecdotes which everybody knew by heart  and they called him "Monsignor"." "Pangloss, the preceptor, was the castle soothsayer." "Brilliant philosopher that he was, he could always ably demonstrate  that there was no effect without cause in the world  that everything is always fine, perfect  and that we live in the best of all possible worlds." "The Baron and the Baroness had a daughter called Cunegonda." "The sublime innocence of everything she said, thought and did  made her even more adorable and pretty  and it wasn't by chance that nature had bestowed  a rose-shaped birthmark on her hand." "And today, as always, we'll have the best of all possible meals  that we have all earned in the best of all possible ways." "Indeed it is a fact that things can't be any different to what they actually are." "Since everything is created for a reason  it follows that everything tends towards the best end." "Note for example that noses were made to hold glasses  and therefore glasses exist." "Take pigs, for example." "How many pigs exist?" "A great number of them was created  whose only scope is to be eaten, and in fact we eat them." "And the birds?" "What are the birds for, who live in the sky  but to give food and joy to creatures like us, huh?" "Therefore our banquets are enriched by these feathered creatures." "Consequently, scholars, philosophers and politicians  who insinuate that all is well with the world  have told us a terrible lie." "They should have said instead  that everything is always for the best  in the best of all possible worlds." "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "Jaws  are made to grind food and therefore food exists." "The stomach is made to be filled and so we never leave it empty." "Bowels are made to be evacuated  and thus we never leave them full." "That which fills the bowels is made to nourish the earth  so it can delight us with fruit and flowers anew." "Candide  can we meet in the garden afterwards?" "I want to show you my roses." "Everything is perfect because it is round." "Everything is fine in this world because the world is round." "The sky is round, even the sun itself is round." "Yes, round..." "Why?" "Well..." "Even the sun is round." "Yes, round..." "Why?" "Why...?" "Why is the sun round?" "The sun is round on account of something called circumference." "Nothing is rounder than this magnificent sphere." "Round and around!" "Round..." "Round..." "Round..." "Trunks too, have a round soul." "Round!" "Round!" "And trees were created  for round peasant girls to lean against." "And Pangloss was made to use these trees." "Or better still, to pluck their delicious fruit, which is round!" "So round... round..." "Lovely and round." "Round and around." "Careful!" "Where are you looking?" " No!" " Careful, Cunegonda." "Oh, my God!" "I'm falling!" "Come to me!" "Guards and servants to me!" "To me!" "She shouldn't have done it!" "She shouldn't have done it to me!" "Guards and servants to me!" "Come to me!" "Quick!" "Avenge me!" "Follow me!" "Quickly, hurry up!" "Death to the traitor!" "Kill the traitor!" "Revenge!" "Revenge!" "Grab him!" "Pull him out!" "Pull him out!" "The traitor!" "Blood will flow!" "Blood!" "A river of blood!" "Gallons and gallons of blood!" " Hold me back!" "Hold me back!" " Yes, yes, my Baron!" " Shame on her!" "Shame on her!" " Bad girl!" "Bad girl!" "Bad girl!" "Let me brandish a sword!" "He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword!" " No!" "Have mercy!" " Shut up, you dog!" "Why?" "Forgive me!" "Spank her!" "What a shame!" "That animal!" "The filthy sinner!" "Spank her!" "Spank her!" " Candide!" "Candide!" " Cunegonda!" "Cunegonda!" " How did you dare!" "Criminal!" " Candide!" "Cunegonda!" " Candide!" " Cunegonda!" "Betraying my trust!" "Violating this flower of virtue, this former flower of virtue!" "Cunegonda!" "From now on you shall earn your bread by the sweat of your brow!" "Away with you!" "Away with you!" "You're banished!" "I abjure you!" "You will no longer eat at my table!" "Be gone!" "Be gone!" "Thus Candide, kicked out of the castle of Thunder-ten-Tronckh  for having dared to show his love for the beautiful Cunegonda  set out, sad and forsaken, in exile." ""Oh, Master Pangloss", the poor boy said to himself  "why did you teach me that this is the best of all possible worlds  and that everything was created for a reason " "... the best of all possible reasons - ... if the reason for which I was created is to be driven off with a kick in the arse?"" " On the double!" " One, two." "One, two." "Quick march!" "Knees up!" "In step, you laggards!" "Chest out, stomach in!" "Come on, come on!" "Form up!" "Break ranks!" "On your feet, idiots!" "Attention!" "At ease!" "Attention!" "At ease!" "Now look at that!" "That guy there is taller than five feet five inches!" "Come closer, we'll enlist you at once." "Come along, come along." "Our table would be terribly honored  if my lord would care to stuff his guts with us." "You are very friendly and charitable, but luckily I'm well supplied with cash." "If you'd allow me to treat you..." "And whenever would we allow a man of five feet five inches to treat us, huh?" "You're five feet five inches tall, aren't you, my lord?" "Sure, gentlemen!" "See, I told you." "Here, you've got bread." "Wait!" "And now, something to go with it." "Stuff your guts with us!" "Eat up!" "Go on!" "What are you afraid of?" "Eat!" "Don't hang back." "Don't stand on ceremony, eat!" " Good!" "Bravo!" " Eat." " Eat!" " Fill your guts!" "Put some flesh on your bones!" "Fill up, to your best health!" " Drink as well." " Come on, drink!" "Drink a little!" "One, two." "One, two." "One, two." "One, two..." "What are you staring at?" "Eat!" "Eat!" "Forward, you scoundrels!" "Tear!" "Tear it!" " Teeth out, tongues in!" " Come on!" "Get your teeth into it!" "Tear away!" "Tear!" "Tear!" "Use your teeth!" "Teeth!" "Teeth, teeth, teeth!" "Battering brigade!" "Ready!" "Use your heads, idiots!" "Next!" "Harder, you sissies!" "Break  away!" "Ear!" "Jaw!" "Jaw!" "Hip!" "Jaw!" "Harder!" "Aim!" "Throw!" "Throw!" " So, are you full up?" " You feel better?" "Yes." " All I need now is a little rest." " Rest?" "Rest?" " Then you're not devoted!" " Oh yes, gentlemen!" "I'm devoted to the damsel Cunegonda." "So you're not devoted to the King of Bulgaria?" "Oh yes!" "Well now, on your feet!" "Raise your glass!" "Come on!" "Ready!" "Ready!" "Long live the King of Bulgaria!" "The noblest of kings!" "Long live the King of Bulgaria!" "Long live the King of Bulgaria!" " Long live the King of Bulgaria!" " Long live the King!" "Long live the King!" "Bravo!" "From now on learn to love the King of Bulgaria!" "Forward... trot!" "You sissies!" "Jump!" "Jump!" " Breast plate." " Breast plate." " Breast plate." " Legging." " Legging." " Legging." " Abdominal armour." " Abdominal armour." " Abdominal armour." " Knee piece." " Knee piece." " Knee piece." " Buttock plate." " Buttock plate." " Buttock plate." " Back shield." " Back shield." " Back shield." " Groin shield." " Groin shield." " Groin shield." " Helmet." " Helmet." " Helmet." "Make sure, my lord, you don't move." "Very good, just like that." "Back straight, head up... arm out." "Very good." "A little more." "Just a moment." "Just like that." "Tap!" "Perfect!" "Perfect!" "Now it's a perfect fit." " Password!" " War is beautiful!" "Enter." "Wake up!" "A volunteer, sir." "A sack of potatoes." "Can he fly?" "Has he ever flown?" " Not yet, sir." " What are you waiting for?" "Come on, you clowns, enlist him in the Air Force." " l want to re-organize the 4th flight." " Please allow me, sir..." " There must be a misunderstanding!" " Shut up!" "What misunderstanding?" " A soldier shuts up when he's spoken to!" " Stop, stop." "Yes, Grand Inquisitor!" " Let him speak." " Father, I was born in Westphalia." "I was never taught the ways of war and violence." "Are you sure he's a man?" "Check him out." "He is, commander!" "How did you come to this valley of tears?" "I offended the Baron, who kicked me out of the castle." "You offended your lord?" "That's the worst of sins." "You must make amends." "Every war is an act of contrition for offended lords." "Go, I bless you." " But father!" " Silence!" "Hurry up, dolts." "Take him to where only the wind speaks." "To ramp number 4." "And hand him over to the first free mama you find." "Here you are." "Wait here." "Fix him up, mother." "And be quick about it." "Stand up straight." "Oh my poor, lovely, little willy." "Beautiful, isn't it?" " What do we have to do?" " Die, for the King of the Bulgarians." "Why?" "Because it's useless." "And aren't useless things the most beautiful things in the best of all possible worlds?" "Who are you?" "No..." "Not this." "I'm a hero." "I love glory, do you?" "I love Cunegonda." "I don't know her, but if you really love her, you'll be happy to die." "What we love is always the ideal." " And it's beautiful to die for an ideal!" " For an ideal!" "Are you ready?" "Let's fly." "Fly with us." "Flying is beautiful." " So beautiful." " No!" "No, stay with your mama!" "Stay!" "Stay!" "Stay!" "Stay, my son!" "I'm flying..." "Flying...!" "History of the Bulgarians, Volume I." "There was nothing so splendid, so nimble, so adroit as our glorious army." "Organs and cannons formed a harmony of such beauty  you wouldn't find its like in Hell." "Charge!" "Victory is ours!" "Was that alright?" "Fire." "I said "fire"!" "To begin with, 10,000 souls were liberated in the best way possible." "Then cannon fire removed from the best of all possible worlds  another 10,000 heroes  who had ennobled its surface, for a total of 20,000, then 30,000  200,000  1 million." "Are you suffering?" "Can't you see?" "I'm dying." "It's beautiful." "Dying is... beautiful." "A gold tooth!" "Lovely, beautiful, beautiful!" " No, she's dead, the poor thing!" " What?" "Have you seen any living ones around?" "No, stop!" "Bastard!" "Bastard!" "Master Pangloss!" "Why did you lie to me?" "So this is the best of all possible worlds?" " Bastard!" "Bastard!" "Bastard!" " Sure..." "Everything is for the best." "Better still:" "Everything turns out in the best possible way." "Oh, Master!" "Oh, Pangloss!" " Pangloss!" " Candide!" " Cunegonda, where is she?" "Where?" " Calm down!" "Just a minute." "Can't you see?" "You made me drop an ear." "And nearly my nose." " But Cunegonda, how is she?" " Everything's fine, my boy." "Excellent, even!" "After you left, those demons came along, burned down everything  and raped Cunegonda 127 times, to be precise." " Oh, no!" " Oh, yes." "Then they disembowelled her, they smashed the Baron's head in two  and cut the poor Baroness up in 14 pieces." " Cunegonda was raped 126 times..." " Seven." "27..." "The poor Baron in two, the poor Baroness in 14 bits  and you, Doctor Pangloss  reduced to this awful state..." " ... all for the hatred in the world." " No, not for hatred." "For love." " For love?" " For love." "How could such a noble cause have such an abominable effect?" "Let's begin at the beginning." "It's all very simple." "Do you remember Paquette, the Baronesses maid..." " ... whose graces I often savoured?" " Yes." "With those delectable mammaries?" "But she had syphilis." "But who's without fault in this world?" "She caught it from a friar, who contracted it from a dowager duchess  who got it both from a notary and a Jesuit, who, poor thing  caught it from a sailor on one of Christopher Columbus' ships." "And you still say that everything's been the best?" "But of course, my boy!" "Because without syphilis  without syphilis we wouldn't have had America." "Without America we wouldn't have potatoes or tomatoes or cochineal." "Furthermore, without syphilis I would never have been graced  with this repellent face either, and those demons would have cut me  in at least four pieces  instead of running off, scared to death at the sight of me." "No, no, no, no, no..." "Consequently, as you can see, syphilis protects the philosopher." "Moreover it's but an individual affliction, and I always taught you  that the individual ill contributes to the collective benefit." "Enough!" "If I understand you correctly  we are led to believe their lordships don't believe in original sin." "No..." "Yes, my lord lnquisitor." "If you're so sure that all is for the best  you can't believe in sin or punishment." "I beg your pardon, Eminence  even original sin and its punishment are part of the best of all possible worlds." "So you don't even believe in free will?" "Freedom can coexist with necessity  since it is necessary that we..." "be free  or  freely necessary." "In the name of the Holy Inquisition, bind these heretics to the stake!" "The heretics to the stake!" "Come one, come all!" "Even those most demanding punters, Turks and Chinamen." "This show is one of the most extraordinary and complete exhibitions  of the thousands presented by the Inquisition for your benefit." "Behold the marvellous instruments with which these hapless sinners are punished." "Behold the body of the poor unfortunate  specially prepared and introduced into the sacred device  called the "pagan press" or "heretic hasher"." "Behold the same body as it exits ready for consumption by posterity." "Ladies and gentlemen, admire this absolute respect for truth  with which the holy fathers of the Inquisition related, page by page  the entire history of all humanity." "Come one, come all!" "Master..." " Master, where are they taking us?" " Calm down, my boy, everything's alright." "Everything's fine." "One for the gallows, the other one's yours." "Here!" " Bring him over here!" " Where are you off to?" "Strip him!" "Everything off!" " Come on!" " Naked!" "Naked!" "We saved you from the flames  but not from this holy punishment!" " One, two, three..." " No, no, 2,000!" " 3,000!" " One, two, three  four, five, six, seven, eight!" "100!" "Stop!" "No!" "2,000!" "Oh, my God!" "It's Candide!" "Stop!" "What?" "is it all over?" "We just need to hang a philosopher who didn't believe in original sin." "Go!" " Come on, move!" " Just one minute!" "Just one minute!" "Let me go!" "Let me go!" "My master's there!" "Look, my master's there!" "Master, master!" "It's me, Cacambo!" "Your servant!" "Master, they want to hang me!" "Do something!" "Say something!" "Master!" "Master, remember me?" "I'm Cacambo!" "Leave me alone, damn it!" "Don't just stare at me, say something!" " Tell them I'm your servant!" " Come on, move!" "Move!" "Damn it, do something!" "I'm your servant, Cacambo!" "Do you understand?" "Cacambo!" "Say you recognise me!" "What are you waiting for?" "Damn it!" "Come on!" "You, you with that red thing painted on your ass!" "You, staring at me!" "You've got something..." "I don't know what... behind." " So is this mongrel yours or not?" " No... I really don't think I know that black creature." "What do you mean, no?" "Why do you want to hang him?" "He was roaming the streets without his master." "Stray dogs, you know the meaning!" "You know the law!" "Stray dogs, perish!" "No, no, wait!" "He is my master!" "He refuses to recognize me because I stole his pants." "Save me, master!" "I'm begging you, save me!" "Yes, sure, I know you, wretched thief!" "I think you've learned your lesson." "Let him loose." "He belongs to me." "Yes, yes, yes!" "I'm sorry!" "I'm sorry, alright?" "Next time keep him tied up." "Thank you, master." "Thank you, my master." "Thank you, master." "Thank you, master." "That handkerchief is..." "What's her name?" "Cunegonda's, huh?" " But are you sure she's still in love with you?" " Absolutely!" " Why?" "Do you doubt it?" " Me?" "What do I know about white women?" "I only know, my master used to say they're all whores." "Well, listen to me." "All women are sweet, faithful creatures." " Yes, yes!" " And Cunegonda is the sweetest  and most faithful of them all." " Remember that!" " Yes, yes, sure I will." "They're all whores?" "He said, they're all whores?" "Take this and tie it in the back." "Yeah, he said they're all whores, except his mother and his sister." "Excuse me, sir  would you mind passing me that orange, please?" "Thank you." "And his wife, what did he say about his wife?" "He said nothing about his wife, he just beat her up." " Scoundrel!" " You know, my master used to say  it's not true that women are inferior." "No, they're superior to men." "Even physically." "That's why they can take beatings better." " Have mercy!" "Mercy!" " What a bastard!" " Now I understand why you ran away." " l didn't run away." "One day my master woke up and said:" ""l didn't sleep at all last night because of you."" "And I said:" ""Why?" "It's not as if I was barking."" "And he said: "No, it's my conscience that's torturing me."" "His conscience, you know?" "Then he unchained me, and said:" ""Go, you're free now, and I'll be able to sleep at last."" "That's what the bastard said." " Give it back!" "Give it back!" " You know what?" "If I meet him I'll make that son of a bitch think twice before he frees slaves." "If it wasn't for you..." "Well done!" " On this there's the smell of Cunegonda?" " Yes, why?" " Come on, let's go!" " Where to?" " Hunting." " For what?" " Cunegonda." " Cunegonda?" "But Cunegonda's gone!" " Come on!" "Come on!" " Wait!" "Where are you going?" "Wait, Cacambo!" "Where are you taking me?" "Wait!" " Damn..." " Let's go!" "She's over there." " Are you sure?" " Yes, she's over there." " lt's not possible." " Go on." " Wait for me there." " Yes, I'll wait." "Where could I go anyway?" "A ghost..." "The ghost of my love." "A pure virgin, virgin pure." "A pure..." " ... virgin." " Alas, I'm no virgin anymore." "The demons didn't kill you?" "No, they just raped me." "Such acts aren't necessarily lethal." "My poor love." "Come, I'll explain everything." " Oh, please excuse the mess." " Do you have a lover?" "No, my love." "I have two." "Two?" "Who are they?" "A Jew who bought me from the demons  and a holy inquisitor who sent him to the stake." " So one of them is dead?" " No  the Jew agreed, to save himself, to share half and half." " Half and half of what?" " Of me." "Do you see that hourglass?" "When one half empties, it's the inquisitor's turn  and when the other's empty it's the Jew's." " Turn for what?" " Oh, Candide..." " ... for me." " But..." "Cunegonda..." "Yes, Candide?" "Six hours for the inquisitor, six for the Jew." "That's the time the hourglass counts." " 12 hours a day?" " No, love  24." " But I don't get it..." " How much is 12 plus 12?" " 24, I think." " Very good." "And how many times does 6 go into 24?" " 4, I think." " And how many hours in a day?" " 24." " Yes, exactly." "And if I have two lovers in 12 hours, how many do I have in 24?" "Cunegonda!" "Don't tell me you have 4 lovers!" "Yes, Candide." "6 times 4 is 24." " 24 lovers!" " 4, not 24." "In fact, 4 times 6 is 24." "Right?" "Yes, but 6 times 4 is 24 as well." "Listen, Cunegonda, at this point, in my opinion..." "Maths isn't an opinion, Candide." "It's only 4 times 6 that's 24." "Swear it." "Of course, I do." " On your love." " Yes, on your love." "You frightened me." "My poor love, you shouldn't think so badly of me." "Who are... the others?" "A guitarist who raped me in my father's castle  and a South American governor who's a friend of the inquisitor..." " ... of the Jew and of the guitarist." " What?" "Calm down, my love." "Don't get mixed up." "Let me start from the beginning." "The day you left..." "that same awful day  I was alone in my room  sewing and thinking of you, as always  whilst sweet music by my favourite group soothed my soul." "So I couldn't hear the racket the demons were making in the castle." "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "One must demolish to build anew  revolutionize to restore!" "Destroy the foundations!" "Baroness..." "Don't worry, Baroness, it's only shit." "The best of all possible shit." "No, no, no, no!" "Not the spyglass!" "No!" "No!" "No, don't..." "I don't want to know!" "I don't want to know!" "Yes, yes, you must." "You can't ignore it." "Don't block your ears." "You have to know all about me." "But don't look at me that way." "I won't be able to tell the truth." "A brute, wild man burst into my room." "Attila!" "Attila!" "Attila!" "Another!" "More!" "More!" "More!" "And then the others came." "So many..." " So many..." " What?" " There were others?" " Yes." "Many... many more." " l can't remember how many." " Maybe 127?" "Don't look at me." "Don't look at me." "Yes, many others." "So many  I can't remember them all." "I fainted  and like now..." "I fainted!" "I'm coming!" "I'm coming!" "I'm coming!" "I'm coming!" "That demon  the boss, took me away with him, but I didn't stay long." " ln fact, he rented me out to the Jew." " No, be still..." "Be still." "But Candide!" " We're not even officially engaged." " Yes, but..." " That's the way it is!" " Who's there?" " lt's my turn, Governor!" " Oh God, run!" " Where?" " Over there." " Who is it?" " No, over there!" " What's happening?" " Over here!" " But that's not true!" "Today's my turn!" " Cunegonda!" "Oh, my God!" " And who is this muchacho?" " He's... my music teacher." " Guitar or harmonica?" " Alright, why don't you play us something?" " No, I detest music." " Wait, you'll get an earful of my chords!" "Don't do anything!" " Come here, son of a bitch!" " Where are you?" "Where are you?" "Help!" "Please, Candide, save me!" "No!" "No!" "No!" " You're dressed like a whore!" " Candide!" "Please!" "You can't take me away!" " No!" "Candide!" " Where are you?" " Help me, Candide!" " Cunegonda!" "Cunegonda!" "Let go of me!" "I'm begging you!" "No!" "I'm begging you!" " No!" "No!" " Cunegonda!" " Let me go!" " Quick!" "To the harbour!" " Let me go!" " You shut up!" " l don't want to!" "Candide!" " Move, you diabolical creature!" "Candide!" "No!" "Candide!" "Candide!" "At last..." "Cunegonda..." "Cunegonda..." "Hey..." "Hey Romeo, you want me to find your Cunegonda, right?" "Okay..." "Candide!" "Candide!" "Cunegonda!" "Cunegonda!" "Candide!" "Candide!" "Oh, my Candide, farewell!" "Cunegonda!" "Cune..." " Move!" "Move forward!" " Hoist the cables!" " Batten the hold!" " Faster with those barrels!" "Hurry up with the load!" "Let's move!" "Tars to the fore!" "Clear the deck!" " Move!" " Get going, you scoundrels!" "Move!" "Hurry up with the load!" "Clear the bridge!" " Hey you, what do you want?" " Follow that ship." "Yes, but not with you." "We're full up." "Are you sure?" "Huh?" "Okay." "Everyone on board, let's go!" "Let go of the moorings!" "Everyone wants to go to the New World, everyone." "Why?" "Because money has no value in the New World." "There's no injustice, no slaves, no masters  no crooks, no saints, no virgins and no whores." "People are all equal there because of democracy." "He'll get used to anything, even democracy." "All free at the fore!" "Wait, wait, not everyone's on board." "Let's go!" "Get in the queue!" "Let's go!" "One at a time!" "Name?" "Columbus, Christopher." "Name?" "Vespucci, Amerigo." " Name?" " Crockett, Davy." " Name?" " Bill, Buffalo." "Name?" "Monroe, Marilyn." "Name?" "Capone, Al." " Name?" " Sam, Uncle." " Name?" " Buzz Aldrin." " Name?" " Aldrin Junior." " Name?" " MacDonald." " Name?" " Kissinger, Henry." "Hoist the anchor!" "All clear fore!" "We're here live at the Columbus Day celebration  an historic event that reminds us that there's no effect without cause  and that everything works out in the best possible way for the best possible ends." "Since a New World was created  what could have been the best possible way of knowing if not by discovering it?" "Thank you, Columbus, for discovering this New World  which is obviously the best of all possible worlds." "Thank you, Christopher, my friend." "Doctor!" "Doctor Pangloss!" " Candide!" "How good to see you!" " What are you doing in New York?" " Easy, easy!" " What a joy!" " You're interrupting the program!" " Commercial break!" "On air!" "Hold the bottle up." "Don't look so unhappy." " That's it!" "Good." " Captain, look at the carton!" "Come on!" "Christopher, go with the Coke." "No!" "Not like that!" "Smile!" " l thought they'd..." " Oh, that... well... lt's a long story." "At first they wanted to burn me, but God didn't agree  and poured down rain, which doused the flames." "Then they decided to hang me  because you can hang anyone in any weather, rain or shine." "And truth to tell, there have been some elegant hangings in a downpour." "It adds a touch of melancholy that befits the moment." "Don't you think?" "Anyway, my hangman was a professional at the stake  but an amateur at the gallows - he left a lot to be desired." "He hanged poorly." "Yes, but... your nose, your ear, the syphilis...?" "Oh, I still have syphilis." "Everyone has his flaws." "But my nose, my ears, my teeth are made of plastic now." "Oh, Doctor Pangloss  why did you say the old one was the best of all possible worlds?" "I only said it to you, so the damage was minimal." "Now I can say it to millions and millions of viewers." " Say what?" " That all's well, my boy, all's swell  that everything's combined in the best of all possible ways." "If the New World had never been discovered, the old one would not have existed." "On the other hand, if the Old World had never existed  we wouldn't have had Christopher Columbus  nor spaghetti, nor pizza, nor..." "Lincoln!" "Oh yes, Lincoln..." "the professional chain breaker." "Well, Abraham...?" "Bravo!" "Bravo!" " But what are you here for?" " l'm looking for Cunegonda." "Wait!" "Great, why don't you tell everyone?" "I'm looking for Cunegonda." "She was kidnapped and brought here against her will." "But she still loves me." "And I love her more than my own life." "And who doesn't love Cunegonda, that pearl among pearls?" "All America loves Cunegonda!" "Read all about it!" "All about Cunegonda's orgasm!" "The greatest show on Earth!" "Damned demon!" "You'll pay for this outrage!" "Shame on you!" "Cover up this indecency at once!" "Don't do that, my boy." "You can't do anything to him." "He already hanged himself with his guitar strings." "What happened to Cunegonda?" "Tell me, where is she?" " She's in Ireland." " Ireland?" "Yes!" "That's why he hanged himself." "When Cunegonda ran off to Ireland to fight the protestants  with the hunchback Catholic priest." " Wait!" "Wait!" "Where are you going?" " Bastards!" " Hey!" "Where are you going?" " To Ireland!" "Ireland!" "Ireland!" "I haven't finished!" "Cover up this disgrace!" "But where's that goddamned inquisitor?" "In a church, St. Patrick's, I think." "Let's hurry up before that one blows up, too." " Are you still in one piece?" " No idea!" "Damn it!" "I think so..." "And you?" "For now." "But you'll see if we keep running after Cunegonda..." "Come on, Cacambo, I feel sure she's still there." "Yes, yes, maybe you're right." "Wherever she goes, there's trouble." "But the war was here before she was." "Apart from an explosion here and a conflagration there  everything's fine, my dear viewers, very fine." "The citizens who go to work each day seem convinced  that this is the best possible way to arrive at the best possible peace." "On the other hand, it is evident that the violence of non-violence  is sometimes violent." "But let's remember that the violence of non-violence  is of course often more violent than violence itself." "Now, let's look at this city on a typical day." "Traffic is light, the citizens respect the traffic lights." "No-one crosses the road before the light turns green." "Come on!" "Keep moving!" "Hurry up!" "In the intimacy of their homes  which the war has rendered even more airy and luminous  citizens prepare to go about their daily business  indulge in their morning pastimes  or sip their first cup of coffee in front of the telly." "You can't even watch a film in peace!" " Silence!" "Stop that!" " Freeze!" " Silence!" " Freeze!" "Freeze!" "Apart from the din, some aggravation, or a little intemperance, all's well." "The shops are open..." "The shopkeepers are patient and understanding with their customers, as usual." "Bastard!" "Take this!" " Can you help me or not?" " Sure, madame." " l'd like a pound of medlars." " Coming up, madame." "It's admirable that these peaceful, Christian ideals can confront each other  because this is an encounter that " "... allowing for a little misunderstanding - ... individual ill will lead to a greater collective good." "Fire!" "Keep your head down!" "Down!" "Down!" "Down." " Move." " Hey, we've got nothing to do with it." " We were just passing by." " Sure, I know." "Move." "Don't move your hands." "What are you hiding there?" " Nothing." "Nothing." " We'll see." "You're taller than five feet five inches." "Why haven't you enlisted?" "Don't you love your Queen?" " Oh, yes." " Then say "Long live the Queen"." " Say "Long live the Queen" out loud." " Long live the Queen." "Next!" "And you two, stop snogging!" "Next." "Move on." "We've no time to lose." "Quick." "Don't move." "Let me see, hands against the wall." "Don't move!" "Come on, next!" "Move..." "Move!" "Give it to me!" "It's my turn." "Let me take a shot." "Come on!" " Hey!" " Look, how lovely!" "Next one." "I didn't do anything, I'm just looking for a girl." "No, no." "What are you doing?" "Stop!" "Stop it!" " Now let's hear "Long live the Queen"." " But I never met the woman!" "What?" "What are you doing to him?" "Leave him alone!" "What the hell do you want?" "What are you looking for?" "This!" "Freeze, or I'll waste you!" "Sure, sure, long live the Queen." "Stop!" "Halt!" "Halt!" "Halt!" "Come back here, I said!" "Stop!" "Two!" "Two!" " Two!" " Look what you've done." "Your hands are all dirty." "Come along home." "Let's go." "St. Patrick's church is down the road." "We have to go that way." "What are these kids up to now?" "Careful, there are mines all over!" "Shall we go there anyway?" "Over there..." "Over there..." "Over there..." "Over there..." "Down there..." "Go down there." "It's empty." "The church is empty." "It rules no more  it condemns no longer  it means nothing anymore." "It's destroyed, finished." "Everything burns, crumbles to bits, ends." "Gone are the angels, the virgins  the saints." "It's her...!" "Her...!" "Her...!" "Unfaithful..." "False..." "Liar... I know who you're looking for." "She." "Cursed among all women." "But you're wasting your time." "She betrayed me too, you know?" "And do you want to know with whom?" "With one of those  who crucified  Him." "With a Jew..." "With a Jew." "With a Jew." "With a Jew!" "With a Jew!" "With a Jew!" "She ran off with a Jew to the Holy Land!" "To the Holy Land!" "To the Holy Land!" "Excuse me, do you know Cunegonda?" "Do you know this girl?" "She's one of your comrades." "Isn't she?" "Why are you tearing it down?" "Hey!" "Why are you tearing Cunegonda down?" "Do you know her, or don't you?" "Hey!" "Hey, hey!" "Do you know this girl?" "Do you know this girl?" "So won't you tell me where she is, my little blondie?" "Bye." "Bye!" "No, wait..." "No!" "Wait!" "Hey, what's up with you?" "Are you crazy?" "Hey!" "What are you doing?" "Are you crazy?" "What kind of women are you?" "What do you want with me?" "I'm looking for Cunegonda!" "I don't know you!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "What are you doing?" "But that's my Cunegonda!" "Do you know Cunegonda?" "Do you know her?" "Do you know her?" "She's Cunegonda." "Can you tell me where she is?" "Do you know her?" "What about you?" "Do you know her?" "Do you know this girl?" "Hey!" " What do you want?" " You know her alright, don't you?" "Come on, sweetie, tell your little Cacambo." "Who?" "Cunegonda?" "Oh, I know her." "Not only did she desert, she ran off with a dirty fedayin." "And what happened to the other guy?" "What other guy?" "Rub my back." "The Jew who brought her here." "That guy...!" "That moaning moron." "He just cries all day." "Spends all day at the Wailing Wall." "Now we lost all trace of her." "Where do we go now?" "It's up to you." "We can go here  or there... or anywhere!" "Wherever you want!" " What's all this stuff?" " Nothing." "Nothing." " What do you mean, nothing?" " Nothing..." "That's the apple of original sin, you can tell by the teeth marks." "That's the left hand of the Law  and this is Cleopatra's double left breast." "Over there that's Attila's right..." "no, left foot." "That's the ear that doesn't hear, and the mouth that doesn't speak." "Hi Wynne." "All of this nothingness was created by us." "We, the flower children, the non-violent youth of peace and love." "Us." "We made it all here, where our past ideals and old hopes came to die." "All this useless stuff was created by us with our own hands." " Hey!" " But what are all these things for?" "Nothing." "We only make totally useless things." "And since they're all useless, we don't care if we lose them." "That's what the dervish says, too, our dervish." " But then, what do you make them for?" " l told you." "Because they're useless and we can throw them away." " And where do you throw them?" " Well, in the river." " And what's that?" " This?" "That's a dream machine." "And you throw dreams in the river, too?" "No, no, only the machine." "The dreams we keep." "We need dreams." "We need them not to get bored when we sleep." " The dervish says that too." " The dervish?" " And who's this dervish?" " Yeah, who's this dervish, huh?" "What?" "You don't know who the dervish is?" "He's a Lama, Lama, Lama  Yogi, Yogi, Yogi  Guru, Guru, Guru  Buddha, Buddha, Buddha." "But if you don't know who the dervish is..." " ... why are you here?" " l came looking for a woman." " But I don't even know where." " lf you can't find her  ask the dervish." "The dervish knows everything." "Really?" "Where is he?" "See this wall of rock?" "Climb to the top, The dervish is on the other side." "Come on!" "Let's go!" "Quick!" "Come on!" "Listen to me, young man, I'll be back, you know?" "Are you sure the dervish knows everything?" "Sure the dervish knows everything." " Only..." " Only what?" "It's just that he almost never gives an answer." "Some say he became deaf  or mute  or that he died..." " ..." "like God." " Come on!" "Come on!" "Quickly!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Look, over there!" "Over there, can you see?" " What are you laughing for?" " l'd need a heart of stone  not to laugh at your bad luck!" "Look, it's her!" "Don't you see her?" "We've been looking for her for so long!" "Look!" "Cunegonda..." "Candide!" "Candide!" "My son!" "Candide!" "Wait!" "Wait!" "All's well, my son!" "All's well, my boy!" "Candide!" "Candide!" "Candide!" "Candide!" "Candide!" "Candide!" " lt's up to you now!" " Go, Candide." "Go, Candide, go!" " Go!" "Go!" " Master  I'd like to ask why  such a strange animal as man was created." "What do you care?" "It's none of your business." " He spoke!" " For the first time!" "That's the first time!" "He answered!" "He answered!" "Reverend Father  there's so much evil in this world." "And what do you care about good and evil?" "Do you care about your lice's welfare when you scratch your scalp?" "So what's there left to do?" "Scratch yourself and shut up." "Master, I truly hoped we could discuss causes  and their effects in the best of all poss..." "Why does youth vanish so soon  skin get wrinkled, beauty disappear?" "That's the great advantage ugliness has over beauty:" "It's lasting." "My feet, my poor little feet." "It feels like all I've done in my whole life is walk and walk." "It's not about the walking, but why." "And it's irrelevant to know where we started  but rather, where we're heading." "There's no question." "We walk because we have feet  black or white, which are made to walk  and there's no question we go one way or the other." "Therefore our natural direction is always the other  always the other, obviously." "I may have told you, my son  in this world, which is the best of all possible worlds  everything was created for an end, the best of all possible ends." "See those emblems floating in the river?" "They were thrown in there by young people." "Therefore young people were created to throw emblems in the river." "And why do they go that way instead of the other?" "Because of the current." "So the current was created to pull them that way and not the other." "Without the current, they would float back to the other bank  where young people would pick them up and throw them back in the river again." "It's fate, my son, you can't escape it." "The spyglass... lt's my spyglass!" "It's all mine!" "It's all mine!" "Mine..." "It's mine!" "It's mine!" "It's mine!" "It's mine!" "It's mine!" "It's mine!" "It's mine!" "It's mine!" "It's mine!" "It's mine!" "No..." "No!" "Stop!" "Don't go that way!" "I've already been there!" "Stop!" "Don't go!" "You'll only get kicked in the bottom!" "Why can't he hear me?" "Kicked!" "You'll only get kicked!" "Only kicks!" "Let him go, Candide." "Who cares?" "There's nothing you can do." "He's just like you." "He likes getting kicked." "Let him go and get it." "Like you did." "Bye, bye, Candide." "I know you well." "Maybe I'm wrong." "Who knows?" "But I think you feel like starting all over again." "But this time, my friend, without me." "Good luck and lots of children!" "I can already see a whole bunch of little Candides, just as happy as you are." "Goodbye, Candide!" "Goodbye!"