"Effy!" "Effy!" "Effy!" " What's wrong?" " It keeps happening." "OK." "Lie down." " Do you mind?" " No." "I like this story, anyway." "Thanks." ""Orpheus was the greatest poet who ever lived." ""His music was so beautiful that when he played, rivers would stop flowing," ""winds would stop blowing, and the skies would open up" ""so his wondrous melodies could be heard by the gods in heaven." ""One day, his wife, Eurydice, was bitten to death by vipers." ""Overcome with grief," ""Orpheus played heartbreaking songs on his lyre." ""The gods were moved," ""and so advised Orpheus to travel to the land of the dead" ""and sing his songs to Hades to bargain for his wife." ""So it was that Hades' heart was softened" ""and he allowed Eurydice to leave on one condition " ""that Orpheus would walk in front and never look back."" " Hey!" "Here he is!" " Looking good, mate." " Cheers." "I feel quite good." " Oi!" "No pushing in." " Oh, fuck off, you Scouse twat." " What's going on here, then?" "Ah, you know, man." "The winds of change." "Rivers of blood and all that." "Shit getting wild, man." "Him and her," "Sid and Michelle..." "THUD!" " Easy, man." " Yeah." "Where is Sid?" "He came early... with Michelle." "THUD!" "FAST DANCE MUSIC PLAYING" "CHEERING AND WHISTLING" "All right?" "It's loud." "You all right?" "What do you mean?" "You look a bit..." "I'm fine." "Loudest club in the West, mate." "You gonna be all right?" "Yeah." "I'll be fine." " Hey, Tony." " Hey, Cass." "Are we going somewhere?" "Oh, yes." " You sure you're ready for this?" " I'm totally ready." "Ah." "Isn't that sweet?" "I'm sad about them." "Aren't you?" "I'm fine and dandy." "Good." "We're just fine and dandy." "Comeon." "Youcan buy mea drink." "I think that since Sid and Michelle are together, we should do the same." " What, go out?" " Yeah." "Get dressed up?" "Go on a date?" "Yeah." "And we'd talk and eat dim sum, then I'd take you home." "And I'd walk you upstairs." "And I'd knock my head on the door frame and fall downstairs." " And I'd run and get the witch hazel." " And I'd say, "Witch hazel?" ""What are you, 90?" "Get me some fucking painkillers."" "And I'd say, "Hey, it's an excellent astringent." ""And we're out of aspirin, anyway."" "And then I'd turn the argument into a good, hard, angry fuck." " That's where we might have a problem." " What do you mean?" "I've got a bit of a problem in the... downstairs department." "What?" "You know, downstairs." "What?" "Where?" "Oh, for fuck's sake!" " My cock doesn't work." " What?" "My cock doesn't work!" "Hi." "He's watching us." "We can't help it, Sid." "No." "It's OK, isn't it?" "Isn't it?" "It's fine." "We're fine." "Fine." " OK?" " I'm fine." "And dandy." "Whoa!" "Here it comes." "Oh, I've missed this." "Fucking hell, I've missed this!" "I feel good!" "Yes, but take it easy, Tony." "I feel so fucking good!" "What about our date?" " Yeah!" " You all right?" "I'm balalaika, feathered up, and ready to rock da party!" "Yeah, boy!" " Yeah, b-o-o-y!" " Yeah, b-o-o-y-y-y?" "Yeah!" "Dude." "I can't believe you're going out with Michelle." "It just kind of happened." "But you're... you know." "What?" "Well, you're not exactly..." "Not exactly what, exactly?" "Not exactly, you know a player, a don, an R Kelly, a baby daddy..." "All right." "I get it." "...a smooth criminal, a president of the USA," " a Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, cheese Buddha." " OK." "Hey, Sid." "Tony." "Um... you having a good evening?" "I'm just marvellous, Sidney." "Like hell on Earth in here." "Glorious." "Yourself?" " Er, yeah, yeah, I'm all right." " Excellent!" "Vibrant!" "Superb!" "So glad to hear it." "Tony, are you OK?" "I'm top-notch, buddy." "Enjoying your night out?" "Me, too." "Oh, my God..." "Oh." "Hey, Nips." " Don't call her Nips, Tony." " Why, what you gonna do?" "I'm, er... objecting." "Strongly." " Come on." " Tony, what are you doing?" "Isn't she pretty?" "Eh, man?" "Eh?" "Eh?" "Hey!" " Tony!" " You two make such a sweet couple!" "Out of all the world's famous lovers - Antony and Cleopatra..." " Listen." "...Taylor and Burton, Jordan and Peter..." "Stop it." "...Bert and Ernie, I would say that you two are, quite possibly, the greatest snog history has so far encountered." "What is wrong with you, Tony?" "Are you OK?" "What is it with you people and the concept of OK?" "I mean, we're a fucking threesome, aren't we?" "You know... peas in a pod." "A fucking family - that's what we are." " Do you need to sit down?" " No!" " Just calm down." " No." "I need to..." "I don't..." "I've got..." "I need to go..." "Out of my way!" "VOMITS" " It's a panic attack." "That's all." " What?" "It sounds like you're having a panic attack." "I can't breathe." "I can't..." "Maybeit'sbecause you wanna fuck your sister." " What?" " Do you want to fuck your sister?" "No!" "Jesus!" "It's just people say panic attacks come from deeply repressed sexual urges." "You know?" " What?" " I was just testing a theory, see." "Actually, I'm talking shit, cos it turns out a panic attack's just a fuckload of adrenaline mainlining into your heart." "It's just how we deal with danger." ""Fight or flight", they call it." "Right?" "I don't know you." "Are you a fighter or a flighter, Tony Stonem?" " Huh?" " Cos depending on your answer..." "Well... a lot depends on your answer." "See you around." " Hi, Effy." " How are you?" "I'm fine." "How are you?" "Good." "Is Tony here?" "We need to speak to him." "Tea?" "Coffee, anyone?" " Er... no, thanks." " Er, no, I'm fine." " Tony?" " No, thank you." "You OK, Tony?" "You seem a little under... well, under the bed." "I'm fine." " Tony, come out." " I'd prefer not to." " I think we need to talk about this." " I really don't know what you mean." "Well, me and Sid are together now." "Yeah." "I know." "And you're obviously not OK with it." " Who says I'm not?" " Well, you did, pretty much, last night." "Oh, come on." "I was only taking the piss." "You know... cos it's funny?" "Listen, do you mind?" "I've got an interview." "Got to get ready." " All right?" " Oh, OK." "See you later, Tone." "Bye, Tony." "Bye." "CRASH!" "Fuck!" "Take this." "It's stuff." "Maps and shit." "OK." "You look really good, Tony." "Like you're ready for anything." "Thanks." "See you later." "I'm gonna tell you a story." "A bloke, he wakes up one morning." "He gets dressed." "He goes down the stairs." "He makes himself a little bit of breakfast." "He walks to the garage, he gets in his car." "He starts his car, drives off..." "I don't know, a couple of miles." "Stops." "Gets out his car." "Has a couple of blokes pour petrol over his head and sets fire to himself." " He... what?" " Sets fire to himself." "Fucking boom!" "What's in the bag?" "My sandwiches." "So what we got?" "Ham and cheese, chicken, or egg and cress." "Egg and cress." "Isn't life wonderful?" "You looking?" " I don't..." "What?" " A few scars, a few marks." "What do you think of them?" "I think they're horrible." "At least I fucking wear 'em." "Right?" " Right." " How about you?" " Do you... have any marks?" " No." "I'm fine." "Oh, yeah, course you are." "You're fine and dandy." "Right?" "Egg and cress." "It's a little fucking miracle." "18 years old." "The age of opportunity." "I bet you can't wait to come here." "Imagine it - being able to live away from your parents and you can do anything you like, like stay up all night and eat ice cream!" " Derek." " Thanks, Polly." "So... new home, new friends, new horizons." "The good times, the bad times..." "The parties." "Oh, my God, the parties!" "The loves that will never be, even though they seem so right." "Just remember, though, that if you will drink - and personally, I have a bitter lemon but if you do, just don't overdo it, or you won't be able to get up in the morning for your lectures!" "So... any more questions before group sessions?" "Are you two shagging or what?" "No, we're not." "I adore Derek to bits, but he's more like a brother." "But you'll make friends like that here too." "Friends who appreciate that you never, never, never want that to happen." "So... no." "We're certainly not doing that." "No." "We're not." "We're... truly not." "Any more questions before?" "Why d'you have to go and be so beautiful inside?" "Don't you know it's torturous?" "You have got some great charisma..." "You know, if you don't work together, then you'II..." "You're late." "Sorry..." "I couldn't find the room." "Yet everybody else seems to have managed, which I find kind of spooky, really." "Sorry." "Please." "So... whilst you were meandering around the corridors, we were introducing ourselves." "Martin, you were telling us what you did in your gap year." "Yeah..." "As I was saying, I spent most of my time in Central America." "You know, building bridges of the real and the symbolic variety." "You know, just really teaching the people out there the value of teamwork." "So 6,000 years of tribal society, they still hadn't managed to grasp the rudiments of teamwork." "Sloppy." "They must have been delighted that you showed up." "You next." " Me?" " Yes, yes, you." "Enlighten us, do." "Um, OK." "I'm Tony Stonem." " I go to college." "I live in..." " I actually said enlighten us." "Don't bore us, Mr Stonem." "Speak about yourself, about your motives, your drive, your animus." " I..." " Don't know what animus means, do you?" " Yes." "I know what it means." " Well, I'm relieved." "You see, because at this university, we don't have room for the inarticulate." "I think I'd better go, then." "Bye." "Good." "So, Tony, you were about to tell us just how extremely clever you are." " I'm not that clever." " Oh, he's clever, all right." "Really?" "Touching." "Sadly lacking in substance." "At our university you have to have verve, a sense of charisma - intellectual thrust." "That's what we're here to do this afternoon - find out whether you're a giver, or whether you're..." "Willingtosleepwiththelecturers?" " I'm sorry?" " I was just making the point, sir, that you've been screwing every girl in here with your eyes since we arrived, which suggests that sex ranks higher than substance." "And I'll pass, thanks." "You see, I don't really find intellectual thrust that sexy..." "Or fake tan, for that matter." "Oh, you think that's funny, do you?" " It's possibly funny." " Possibly funny." "Right, well, the thing is, I don't actually have to put up..." "OK." "Cool." "See ya." "I think you should join her." "Don't you, Tony?" "Toodle-oo." "You." "You really fucked up in there." "I really fucked up?" "Wait, what are you even doing here, anyway?" "Same thing you are." "Wow!" "Check it out." "Ah!" "Shall we?" "No." "No way." "First of all, I can't really swim very well any more and secondly..." "Ah, boo-hoo!" "What the fuck?" "!" "I told you, I can't..." " I can't... can't swim!" " Oh, you're such a pussy." " I can't." " You just don't want to." "Lie back." "That's it." "You're OK." "It's easy." "Just float." "Why d'you have to go and be so beautiful inside" "Don't you know it's torturous?" "You have got some great charisma" "But to our senses we are all estranged" "Why d'you have to go and be so beautiful inside..." "Excuseme." "Come here, please." "...You have got some great charisma But to our senses we are all estranged..." "Come on." "Bit naughty, but never mind." "Up you come." "Tony - is that right?" "Yes." "Now, Tony, the thing is, we're not really supposed to go in the pool." " It's really only for sporting events." " And the Super Irony Fun Splash Club." "And the Super Irony Fun Splash Club, too." "You're supposed to be on the tour." "There was this girl, but she's gone." "Don't go with her, Tony." " What?" " You should join us." "What?" "Yes." "We'll find you somewhere you can dry off." "You should get out of those wet clothes, too." "I'd really like to see you out of those clothes." "I'll lend you my cagoule." "I'm all right, thanks." "Just..." "I'm all right." "'Built in 1972, then demolished the following year' before being rebuilt in '85, the Bulwer-Lytton building is a classic example of the late modernist, post-Bauhaus development from humanist rationalist impulses from utility." "Inspired by Alvar Aalto's signature style, the building is built..." "Psst!" "In here." "Come in here." "...social interaction and the hyper relevance of volume as, er..." "I want to talk to you." "Come here, then." " What are you doing?" " The idea is to walk across the room." "The room's full of shit." "This is a lab." "It's an experiment." "Come here." "For fuck's sakes." "Fuck." "Oh, shit!" "Ow." "Bollocks." "Well done." "Well done?" "You got here, though." "What do you want from me?" "Hey!" "Who's in there?" "Over here!" "Better run." "Hey!" "Stop!" "Come back here, you!" "Oi!" "They're going down the science block." "Come back!" "Halls of residence." "Shall we?" "Ah-hah." "Good afternoon." "How may I help you?" "We're seeking shelter from the fascist oppressors." "And we're wet." "Can I interest you in some hashish?" "I'm not really supposed to." "Drugs do odd things to me at the moment." "Aren't they supposed to?" "This is Matt." "You want a hit from the bong?" "He is an artist." "Truly, an artist." "I'm Toby." "His roommate." "And this is of the purest, highest possible grade." "I assure you." "Cool!" "Bravo!" "All splendid fun." "Polly!" "My little chaffinch." "How the devil are you?" "I'm going to pretend that I don't smell that, Toby." "Smell what, mon petit chou?" "It's very, very naughty, what you're doing, Toby." "Quite possibly." "Anyway." "Have you seen a... wet boy running around here?" "He's lost." "And he's truly in a lot of trouble." "We have witnessed no moist children of the masculine variety gallivanting within these halls, no." "Oh, hey, Poll." "How's it going?" "Oh..." "Hi, Matt." "You, er, you thought about what I asked you?" "Yes, actually, I have..." "And?" "All right, you can shag me." "But only once." "You're lucky Bruce is in Guatemala." "Fine." "I'll be around later." "Can't allow our friends to be naked alone, Matthew." "It's just not cricket." "Gotya..." "They're beautiful." "Oh, thanks." "I do them myself." "Do you?" "Yeah." "So you could do me... now?" "Sure, if you're up for it." "Does it hurt?" "Beautifully." "What are you getting?" "A mark..." "Passion..." "Want..." "Need..." "My, my." "Thank you." "My..." "My pleasure." "Come and look at it." "What's it like?" "Good." "Touch it." "What?" "Touch it." "GASPS" "I can't do this." "So many things you can't do." "You can't swim, you can't run..." "You can't fuck." "Oh, dear." "How d'you know that?" "But you can, Tony Stonem." "You can fuck me right now." "No, I couldn't." "You want to." "Hey, fuck you!" "I got hit by a fucking bus." "That fucks you up." "Well, fuck you right back." "You're just not trying hard enough." "You must be so happy the way you are." "Why do you care if my dick can get hard or not?" "This is fucked up beyond words." "Coward." "Fucking coward." "Coward." "Wanker." "Why don't you just stop being such a fucking pussy and let the fuck go?" "Fucking leave me alone!" "There you are." "Are you OK?" "Look at you, you poor thing." "Come with us." "We'll get you some warm clothes and a nice hot tea." "The Musical Society are going to do a performance for all of you." "HMS Pinafore." "I've treacle and toffee I've tea and I've coffee" "Soft tommy and succulent chops" "So buy of your Buttercup Poor Little Buttercup" "Come of your Buttercup, buyl" "Come back!" "There'll be cheese and wine." "It'll be fun!" "There's always cheese and wine!" "Take a seat." "Eventful day." "Pissing around in pools, smashing up labs, avoiding activities, getting up to no good in the dorms." "How'd you know what I?" "And now you turn up for an interview like, well..." "You know, I'm amazed you actually even bothered, really." "But I'm a fair man, so bearing all that in mind, why don't you try to convince me into offering you a place at this university?" "Oh, you think you're so original, don't you?" "I have met a million kids like you." "Yeah, vaguely intelligent." "Agonisingly middle-class." "Read a book by Camus, a book by Kafka." "No real substance, though." "Just a little fucked-up jumble of misdirected, immature, poly-sexuality and pure, arrogant, impotent rage." "So..." "What you got, big boy?" "Get off me." "You don't know a fucking thing about me, you sanctimonious cunt." "But since we're playing the guessing game, let's make a few assumptions." "A divorced, lonely, middle-aged lecturer, who lives alone and gets his rocks off..." "You are really fucking blowing this gets his fucking rocks off trying to sleep with fucking first years." "Other hobbies include intimidation and furtive masturbation." "I bet you thought you'd died and gone to heaven when you got here." "Your own office and all the students you could eat." "Let go of me now." "Animus." "It means spirit, courage, passion, wrath." "This is mine." "Who the fucking hell do you think you are?" "I'm a bad dream, mate." "I'm you before you shrivelled and died." "And I don't wanna go where you've been." "So in answer to your earlier question, you should've given me a place here." "I'd have been the best student you'd ever had." "Here he comes." "Welcome back, Tony." "Congratulations, Tony." "Good work, sir." "Enjoy." "The pleasure is all yours, sir." "The pleasure is all yours." "You're not coming?" "I think I'll stay here for a while." "It's peaceful." "Go home." "It was good to meet you." "Thank you." "Don't look back, Tony." "Hey, Tone." "Where are Sid and Michelle?" "No idea." "You're a terrible liar, Jal." "Anybody can see you've got something going on." "Shit!" "Christ!" "What the fuck?" "!" "Tony!" "What the fuck are you?" "Shut up!" "Sid, are you gonna let him?" " Tony, I'm objecting to..." " You're always fucking objecting!" "Can't you do something?" "OK." "OK, Jesus." "Tony, what?" "Are you trying to scare me, cos it's not working?" "I love you." "I'm saying it again." "OK?" "And you." "I love you too, you little fucker." "This is wrong." "Can't you see it's all wrong?" "You're my girlfriend!" "And you're my best friend." "Tony, I love her." " No, you don't." " OK, maybe I don't." "He loves Cassie." "And you love me." "That works." "We work." "Why now?" "It's too late." "It's always been there, Michelle." "It just took a while." "I need you." "You can't have her." "It's wrong." "It's wrong." "That's all I'm trying to say." "Everything's going to be all right, Cass."