"HOOK UP, FOR REAL?" "GOOD BYE." "WOULD YOU JUST SHOOT?" "POOL IS A GAME OF PRECISION" "AND SCIENCE, MY FRIEND." "IT INVOLVES INTRICATE" "EYE-HAND COORDINATION," "GEOMETRY, SPECIFIC GRAVITY," "MOLECULAR DENSITY..." "IT'S A FUCKING BALL AND STICK!" "WILL YOU TAKE THE SHOT, MIKEY?" "I CAN'T, I GOT TO GO MEET DAVID." "WHY DOESN'T HE EVER MEET YOU HERE?" "UM, BECAUSE HE DOESN'T LIKE MY FRIENDS?" "I DON'T LIKE YOUR FRIENDS." "WHAT ABOUT HIS FRIENDS?" "DOES HE HAVE ANY?" "HEY, I SUNK ONE!" "YEAH, WELL YOU'RE STRIPES." "YEAH, SURE HE HAS FRIENDS." "HAVE YOU EVER MET ANY?" "UM, NO." "MAYBE HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO." "HEY, THERE!" "WELL, AT LEAST HIS FRIENDS ARE HIS OWN AGE." "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" "I THOUGHT IT WAS A SCHOOL NIGHT." "YOU'RE HERE." "I'M A GROWN UP." "BARELY." "GO HOME!" "NO." "SO WHAT IS THIS?" "ADOPT-A-TRICK?" "FIRST HE'S A ONE-NIGHT STAND, NOW HE'S MOVED IN!" "IT'S ONLY TEMPORARY." "UH-HUH." "UNTIL HE GROWS UP?" "UNTIL I FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO WITH HIM." "MIKEY!" "TELL THE DOC WE MISS HIM." "BYE." "BYE!" "BYE." "SEE YOU!" "THAT COULD BE HIM." "WHO?" "USEMYHOLE27." "USEMYHOLE27?" "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN," "LIKE 26 OTHER GUYS HAVE USED HIS HOLE BEFORE YOU?" "NO." "HE'S MY CYBER-BOYFRIEND." "SWIMMER'S BUILD, LEO-LIKE SMILE." "IT'S THE BEST IMAGINARY-SEX I EVER HAD." "BUT NOW IT'S OVER." "HOW COME?" "BECAUSE HE WANTS TO MEET ME." "SO?" "SO!" "I'M NOTHING LIKE MY PROFILE, SO." "BIG, SMOOTH, 6'2", 195 POUNDS," "FOUR PERCENT BODY FAT..." "UNCUT." "JESUS!" "I THINK I DID IT WITH YOU JUST LAST WEEK." "EWW!" "HOW WAS I?" "DID YOU EVER CONSIDER JUST TELLING HIM THE TRUTH?" "UH, WHAT?" "WHAT, THAT I'M A BIG, NELLY BOTTOM" "WHO WISHES HE WERE A BEEFY BRUTAL TOP," "AND NEVER WILL BE?" "YES, HELLO." "THIS IS LINDSAY PETERSEN." "I NEED TO TALK TO DR. PERSAUD." "IT'S ABOUT GUS." "OH, GOD!" "HE'S THROWING UP AGAIN." "SHH, SHH, SHH." "IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY." "IT'S OKAY." "IT'S OKAY." "HE'S BURNING UP, HONEY." "OUR BABY'S SICK AND I HAVE TO..." "THEY WANT US TO LEAVE OUR NUMBER AND WHEN SHE CALLS IN," "THEY'LL GIVE HER THE MESSAGE." "GIVE IT TO ME." "HELLO, UH, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" "HI, CAROL." "THIS IS MELANIE MARCUS." "LISTEN, WE NEED TO REACH DR. PERSAUD." "DOESN'T SHE USUALLY LEAVE HER PAGER ON?" "OKAY, GREAT." "THEN I'D APPRECIATE IT" "IF YOU'D PLEASE CONTACT HER WHILE I WAIT ON THE LINE." "THANK YOU." "I LOVE YOU." "Gus." "SHH, SHH, SHH." "HELLO, DR. PERSAUD?" "HI, IT'S LINDSAY PETERSEN." "YEAH, IT'S GUS HE HAS A FEVER, 102," "AND HE'S BEEN THROWING UP..." "YES, ALL RIGHT." "THANK YOU." "SHE SAYS THAT WE HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL RIGHT AWAY." "OKAY, OKAY." "LISTEN." "IT'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT." "I'LL GET THE KEYS, YOU GET HIS BLANKY." "OKAY." "BRIAN'S HOME." "YOU MEAN IT?" "MY MOM SAYS "HI."" "BRIAN SAYS "HI", TOO." "YEAH." "SO, DOES DAD ASK ABOUT ME?" "OH, IS HE STILL MAD?" "CAN YOU TALK TO HIM?" "MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND?" "NO, NO I CAN'T." "I CAN'T COME HOME." "NOT IF HE STILL FEELS THAT WAY." "MOM?" "MOM." "I'M GOING TO GO." "GIVE MOLLY A KISS FOR ME." "YEAH, YOU TOO." "YOU KNOW, IT'S, UH, REALLY NOT WORTH CRYING ABOUT." "I WASN'T CRYING." "JUST MY ALLERGIES." "YOUR FATHER'S AN ASSHOLE WHO TREATS YOU LIKE SHIT," "HE PRACTICALLY KILLED ME." "I SAY FORGET ABOUT HIM." "YEAH, BUT HE'S MY DAD." "I MEAN, COULD YOU FORGET ABOUT YOUR FATHER?" "I ALREADY DID." "A LONG TIME AGO." "YOU MEAN YOU NEVER SEE HIM," "OR TALK TO HIM?" "WHAT FOR?" "JUST TO HANG OUT." "BE TOGETHER." "YEAH, JUST BECAUSE HE GOT MY MOTHER PREGNANT" "DOESN'T MEAN THAT THERE'S SOME SPECIAL BOND BETWEEN US." "HE SERVED HIS PURPOSE." "THAT'S ALL HE WAS GOOD FOR." "I COULD NEVER FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT MY DAD." "WELL THEN YOU'LL ALWAYS BE HURT." "HELLO?" "OH, HI." "YEAH, HOLD ON, HE'S RIGHT HERE." "IT'S LINDSAY." "SHE SOUNDS UPSET." "AH!" "QUIT IT." "I CAN'T HELP IT." "I SEE YOU, I JUST WANT TO TAKE A BITE." "WHO CALLED?" "OH, MY EX." "LORI?" "YEAH, I TOLD HER ALL ABOUT YOU." "WHAT DID YOU SAY?" "I SAID YOU WERE SMART," "YOU WERE FUNNY AND YOU WERE SEXY." "I THOUGHT YOU STOPPED LYING TO YOUR WIFE." "COME ON, LET'S GO TO BED." "WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?" "WHICH?" "LET ME SEE." "THE PEOPLE IN THE PICTURE." "THEY LOOK NICE." "THEY LOOK..." "STRAIGHT." "THAT'S LAURA" "AND STEVE." "THIS IS ON NEW YEAR'S EVE." "STEVE'S A UROLOGIST," "LAURA WORKS AT PITT." "THEY'RE REALLY GOOD FRIENDS OF MIND." "SO HOW COME I'VE NEVER MET THEM?" "OH, I DON'T KNOW." "DO YOU WANT TO MEET THEM?" "I DON'T KNOW." "DO YOU WANT ME TO MEET THEM?" "WHAT'S WITH YOU?" "NOTHING." "I WAS JUST..." "I WAS DRIVING OVER HERE TONIGHT WITH MY BAG OF STUFF FOR TOMORROW," "AND I JUST STARTED TO FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY'S LITTLE SECRET." "YOU KNOW, IT'S ALWAYS JUST THE TWO OF US." "WELL I HAVE TO ADMIT, I KIND OF ENJOY IT THAT WAY," "JUST HAVING YOU ALL TO MYSELF." "BUT IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH OTHER PEOPLE..." "NO, IT'S OKAY." "I'M SOR..." "I-I NEVER SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT IT UP." "I'M GLAD YOU DID." "HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING SATURDAY NIGHT?" "SATURDAY NIGHT?" "YEAH, WE'LL HAVE A DINNER PARTY." "I'LL INTRODUCE YOU TO THE GANG." "THE GANG?" "NO, THAT'S OKAY." "NO, IT'S A GREAT IDEA!" "YOU KNOW, I-I WANT THEM TO KNOW YOU." "AND YOU SHOULD KNOW THEM." "AH!" "HEY!" "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" "HOW..." "H-HOW'D YOU GET IN HERE?" "HEY." "I ASKED THE QUESTION FIRST!" "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING DELETING ME?" "DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE ME?" "I'M "PITTS..." "9X6."" "HOW DO YOU KNOW MY SECRET SCREEN NAME?" "WELL, DUDE, I AM YOUR SCREEN NAME." "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" "DID..." "DID TED PUT YOU UP TO THIS?" "BIG, SMOOTH, 6'2", 195 POUNDS," "FOUR PERCENT BODY FAT," "UNCUT." "OKAY." "OKAY, I GET IT." "MICHAEL AND TED READ MY PROFILE" "A-AND THEY PAID YOU TO COME HERE" "AND MESS WITH MY HEAD." "WELL, MY GRIP ON REALITY" "IS A LITTLE TIGHTER THAN EVERYONE SEEMS TO THINK." "OKAY?" "PITTS DOESN'T EXIST." "HE..." "HE'S A FANTASY." "A FIGMENT OF MY..." "OVERACTIVE..." "IMAGINAT..." "OH..." "OH MY GOD!" "IT'S TRUE!" "YOU REALLY ARE... 9X6..." "THANKS TO YOU." "YEAH." "OKAY." "I MU..." "I MUST BE DREAMING." "I DON'T..." "THESE ARE SOME HOT TAPES." ""DAWSON'S CRACK."" "MIND IF I POP IT IN?" "OH MY GOD, I'VE COMPLETELY CRACKED." "I'M TALKING TO MY S-SCREEN NAME." "OKAY, W-WHAT IS GOING ON?" "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" "WELL I ALMOST WASN'T." "YOU WERE ABOUT TO DELETE ME." "OH." "WELL I'M VERY SORRY," "BUT I'M..." "I'M THROUGH WITH YOU." "BUT I'M A HOTTIE!" "EVERYBODY ON-LINE WANTS ME." "EXACTLY." "THEY WANT YOU, THE FANTASY." "NOT ME, THE REAL PERSON." "IT'S PATHETIC," "MY SCREEN NAME HAS MORE FUN THAT I DO!" "HEY, YOU SAID YOU WISHED YOU COULD BE A BEEFY, BRUTAL TOP" "INSTEAD OF A BIG, NELLY BOTTOM." "WELL, IF I COULD TEACH YOU" "HOW TO BE LIKE ME," "WILL YOU LET ME LIVE?" "BUT I'M NOT LIKE YOU." "WELL..." "I CAME FROM SOMEWHERE, DIDN'T I?" "HERE WE GO." "COMING THROUGH." "WHAT ARE HIS SYMPTOMS?" "UH, DIARRHEA, VOMITING, FEVER." "DO YOU KNOW HOW HIGH?" "JUST UNDER" "WE'RE WORRIED ABOUT DEHYDRATION." "ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET HIM CHECKED OUT." "WHICH ONE OF YOU IS THE MOTHER?" "UH, WELL..." "WELL, I'M THE BIRTH MOTHER." "WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK WITH HIM THEN?" "AND YOU CAN WAIT HERE." "ACTUALLY, WE'RE RAISING HIM TOGETHER." "WE'RE A COUPLE." "WELL, IN THAT CASE, DO YOU HAVE ADOPTION PAPERS?" "ADOPTION?" "HE MEANS FOR ME." "NO, NOT YET." "WE PLAN TO FILE..." "I'M SORRY," "BUT WE CAN ONLY ALLOW THE CHILD'S LEGAL GUARDIANS TO GO WITH HIM." "FINE." "LET'S STOP TALKING." "JUST TAKE HIM." "NOW, OKAY?" "I'LL RUN BACK OUT THE MINUTE I KNOW ANYTHING." "OKAY." "I LOVE YOU." "EXCUSE ME, I-I NEED TO GO BACK THERE." "YOU SEE, MY PARTNER FORGOT OUR BABY'S BLANKET" "AND I DON'T WANT HIM TO BE ANY MORE UPSET THAN..." "LOOK..." "MISS-S-S..." "OR WHATEVER YOU ARE," "I BELIEVE IT WAS ALREADY EXPLAINED TO YOU" "THAT ONLY THE CHILD'S PARENTS OR LEGAL GUARDIANS" "ARE PERMITTED TO BE WITH HIM." "A-AND I BELIEVE IT NEEDS TO BE EXPLAINED TO YOU" "THAT I'M THE ONE WHO LOVES HIM, AND FEEDS HIM," "AND WALKS HIM, AND PLAYS WITH HIM," "AND CHANGES HIM, AND CLEANS UP HIS SHIT," "AND WIPES UP HIS VOMIT, AND PAYS THE BILLS, AND..." "YOU LISTEN TO ME." "I STAY UP HALF THE NIGHT WORRYING" "THAT HE WILL GROW UP TO BE HAPPY AND HEALTHY AND LOVED," "SO DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME" "I HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE WITH HIM," "YOU OFFICIOUS, HOMOPHOBIC CUNT." "WHAT'S GOING ON?" "HOW IS HE?" "I DON'T..." "I DON'T KNOW." "THEY WON'T LET ME BACK THERE." "WHY?" "I'M..." "I'M NOT LEGAL," "I'M NOT ANYTHING, APPARENTLY, EXCEPT GOING CRAZY HERE." "WHAT IS THAT?" "YOUR FUCKING BUREAUCRACY?" "EXCUSE ME," "THIS IS THE FATHER." "I'LL TAKE YOU BACK." "WELL SHE'S GOING TOO." "NO, DON'T WORRY, JUST GO." "AND..." "UH, GIVE THIS TO HIM." "NOT EVEN SIX MONTHS OLD" "AND ALREADY MY KID'S A DRAMA QUEEN." "WELL, AT LEAST YOU KNOW HE'S YOURS." "THE GOOD NEWS IS HE'S ALL RIGHT." "YEAH, ONLY I HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL MYSELF" "BECAUSE SOMEONE LEFT THEIR CELL PHONE OFF." "I HAD TO DEAL WITH MY OWN CRISIS." "DAVID'S THROWING A DINNER PARTY," "US AND TWO OTHER COUPLES." "ONE OF THEM IS STRAIGHT." "HE EATS WITH STRAIGHT PEOPLE?" "ICK." "YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE THEIR HANDS HAVE BEEN." "SO W-WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?" "THE PROBLEM IS WHAT'LL I TALK ABOUT?" "WHAT DO WE TALK ABOUT?" "WHAT WE'VE DONE," "WHO WE'VE DONE, WHO WE WANT TO DO." "THESE PEOPLE AREN'T LIKE US." "THEY'RE PROFESSORS AND DOCTORS AND THINGS." "WE'RE THINGS." "AD EXECS, ACCOUNTANTS." "COUTURIERS TO DISCO TRASH." "THE THING IS, AFTER TWO MINUTES" "IT'LL BE PAINFULLY OBVIOUS THAT I DON'T FIT IN," "AND DAVID'LL DUMP ME" "ON THE SPOT." "THEN WE BETTER GET BUSY." "RIGHT, PROFESSOR HIGGINS?" "RIGHT, PICKERING." "WE'LL TURN YOU FROM A SIMPLE FLOWER GIRL INTO A LADY!" "SPEAKING OF LADIES, GET TO WORK!" "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?" "TURNING YOU FROM A CANDYASS INTO A STUD." "NOW LET'S SEE YOU SPREAD 'EM." "NOW!" "RIGHT." "WHAT'S WITH G.I. JANE?" "IF HE'S NOT CAREFUL," "HE MIGHT ACTUALLY BREAK A SWEAT." "OR A NAIL." "HE'S DOWN, FOR A WHILE ANYWAY." "THAT'S GOOD." "HON, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?" "HEBREW SCHOOL." "HE'S STILL A LITTLE YOUNG, DON'T YOU THINK?" "NO, WHEN I WAS A KID IN HEBREW SCHOOL," "RABBI PROTESH USED TO SAY TO US," ""IF YOU EVER FORGET YOU'RE A JEW," "A NON-JEW WILL REMIND YOU."" "I ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT HE MEANT," "UNTIL EMILY MEREDITH CALLED ME A "JAP" ON THE PLAYGROUND." "OH, THAT LITTLE BITCH." "WELL, THEN I KNEW WHAT HE MEANT." "I'D FORGOTTEN I WAS DIFFERENT," "UNTIL I WAS SO THOUGHTFULLY REMINDED." "THE SAME THING HAPPENED AT THE HOSPITAL LAST NIGHT." "WELL, THEY HAD NO RIGHT!" "YEAH, THEY DID." "THEY HAD EVERY RIGHT." "BUT WE HAVE A RIGHT, TOO;" "TO PROTECT OURSELVES." "HOW?" "WE NEED TO TALK TO BRIAN." "MISS MANNERS SAYS," ""ALWAYS BE SURE TO COMPLIMENT THE HOSTESS."" "I AM THE HOSTESS." "AND YOU LOOK LOVELY." "OKAY." "ALL RIGHT, NOW." "UH, WHICH FORK'S FOR SALAD?" "GO FROM THE OUTSIDE IN." "HEY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE STUDYING FOR YOUR CALCULUS EXAM." "I'M TAKING A BREAK." "WELL, GET BACK TO WORK." "NOW, WHERE'S THE BREAD PLATE?" "ON YOUR LEFT." "WATER GLASS?" "ON YOUR RIGHT." "WELL, AS LONG AS I ONLY HAVE SALAD, BREAD AND WATER," "I-I'M ALL SET." "ALL RIGHT, NOW TOPICS OF CONVERSATION," "UH, STAY CLEAR OF RELIGION BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE ANYBODY STANDS." "AVOID POLITICS LIKE THE PLAGUE," "AND, UH, YOU SHOULD" "PROBABLY STEER CLEAR OF THE ECONOMY AS WELL." "WELL, SO FAR HE SHOULD HAVE NO TROUBLE," "MIKEY'S NEVER TALKED ABOUT RELIGION, POLITICS" "OR THE MARKET IN HIS LIFE." "WELL WHAT DO I TALK ABOUT?" "MOVIES ARE ALWAYS A SAFE BET" "IF YOU WANT TO APPEAR CURRENT WITHOUT SOUNDING CONTROVERSIAL." "I SAW "X-MEN" SIX TIMES." "YEAH, UH, SOMEHOW I SUSPECT THAT WON'T "WOW" THE ART-HOUSE CROWD." "LOOK, YOU'RE MAKING TOO BIG A DEAL OUT OF THIS." "YOU SHOW UP," "YOU TALK, YOU EAT." "BUT THESE ARE DAVID'S BEST FRIENDS." "YOU KNOW, I WANT TO MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION." "AND YOU WILL, YOU JUST HAVE TO REMEMBER A FEW SIMPLE RULES." "UTENSILS OUTSIDE IN." "DON'T TALK ABOUT ANYTHING THAT MATTERS." "DON'T TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL." "OH, WHAT IF I BURP?" "JUST COVER YOUR MOUTH WITH YOUR NAPKIN" "AND SAY "EXCUSE ME" TO NO ONE IN PARTICULAR." "JUST BE YOURSELF, YOU WON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT." "I JUST KNOW SOMEHOW, SOME WAY," "I AM GOING TO FUCK UP." "WELL SEE, THAT'S WHAT HE MEANS." "BE YOURSELF." "THAT LOOKS GOOD." "LET ME TALK TO HIM." "YOU KNOW HOW YOU SET HIM OFF." "OH, I PROMISE I WON'T SAY A WORD." "I WON'T SAY ANYTHING." "HE SEEMS FINE TO ME." "AREN'T YOU, SONNY BOY?" "THANK GOD, AFTER LAST NIGHT." "YESTERDAY, LIFE AND DEATH, TODAY, TEA AND COOKIES." "THEY'RE GOOD." "IT'S A MIX." "BUT IT MAKES YOU REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO BE PREPARED." "FOR WHAT?" "FOR LIKE WHAT HAPPENED WITH THAT NURSE." "GOD, SHE WAS A REAL BITCH." "UH, THANK YOU." "JUSTIN, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME ICE CREAM?" "NO, I'M OKAY." "WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT?" "WELL, IT'S SOMETHING WE TALKED ABOUT BEFORE GUS WAS BORN," "ONLY WE NEVER GOT AROUND TO DOING IT." "MELANIE WOULD LIKE" "TO PETITION FOR SECONDPARENT ADOPTION." "WHAT'S THAT?" "WELL, I'M NOT GUS' BIOLOGICAL PARENT" "LIKE LINDSAY, OR BRIAN." "SO I NEED TO FILE PAPERS TO MAKE ME HIS LEGAL GUARDIAN." "ONLY MELANIE CAN'T GET THE PROCESS GOING UNTIL..." "YOU SIGN PAPERS AGREEING TO..." "GIVE UP YOUR PARENTAL RIGHTS." "NO WAY!" "HE'S GUS' DAD." "NO ONE'S DENYING THAT." "YOU KNOW YOU'LL ALWAYS BE PART OF HIS LIFE," "IN THE SAME WAY WE'LL ALWAYS BE A PART OF EACH OTHER'S..." "YOU DON'T HAVE TO CONVINCE ME." "JUST TELL ME WHERE TO SIGN." "WHAT?" "YOU MEAN YOU'RE" "ACTUALLY GOING TO DO IT?" "JUSTIN!" "HE'LL BE BETTER OFF." "WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?" "SIGN SOME PAPERS." "I'LL HAVE THEM DRAWN UP." "YOU CAN'T!" "WOULD YOU STAY OUT OF THIS?" "YOU'RE HIS FATHER." "AND I'M TEACHING HIM A LESSON," "DON'T COUNT ON YOUR OLD MAN." "WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR ARM?" "I CALL IT THE "PRAISE JESUS."" "LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE HAILING A CAB." "I CALL IT THE WORST DANCING I'VE EVER SEEN." "WHO ASKED YOU?" "DON'T GET SORE." "I'M JUST KIDDING." "SEE ANYONE HOT?" "I HAVEN'T SEEN SO MANY DOGS SINCE "101 DALMATIANS."" "HEY, WHAT ABOUT THAT GUY OVER THERE?" "I'D LIKE TO HOUSEBREAK HIM." "I SUPPOSE HE'S ALL RIGHT." "YEAH, TRANSLATION, WE DON'T HAVE THE GUTS TO GO AFTER HIM." "SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, LOSER!" "WELL, GO FOR IT." "YOU MADE ME SPILL MY BEER." "SORRY." "TELL HIM YOU'LL LICK IT OFF HIS CHEST." "WHAT?" "I SAID YOU SPILLED MY BEER, MAN." "SAY IT!" "UH, I-I'LL LICK IT OFF YOUR CH-CHEST." "I'D RATHER HAVE A NAPKIN." "RIGHT, RIGHT!" "OH, HERE." "WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?" "ASK HIM TO GO HOME." "HEY, DUDE." "HEY, DUDE..." "I NEVER SAY "DUDE." I CAN TELL YOU WANT IT BAD." "I-I-I CAN TELL YOU WANT IT BAD." "WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GET OUT OF HERE AND..." "YOU KNOW, UM, HE'S MAKING ME DO THIS." "FUCKING WEIRDO!" "WELL, THAT WAS THE MOST STUNNING DISPLAY OF INEPTITUDE I'VE EVER WITNESSED." "HEY, HOW'D IT GO?" "FUCK OFF!" "DAVID, DAVID, DAVID." "AT LAST, THE BOYFRIEND!" "I'M SORRY I'M LATE." "NONSENSE, YOU'RE FASHIONABLE." "I'M LAURA." "LISTEN, I'VE KNOWN DAVID FOREVER." "SO IF THERE'S ANYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT HIM..." "WARNING, DO NOT LISTEN TO DR. LAURA." "OH!" "I HATE WHEN HE CALLS ME THAT." "YOU'VE GOT A Ph.D. IN ECONOMICS!" "HEY, YOU." "EXCUSE ME, SIR, DO I KNOW YOU?" "OH, HE'S FUNNY!" "AND ADORABLE." "AND ADORABLE." "YOU SEE?" "SHE THINKS YOU'RE ADORABLE." "I'M NERVOUS AS HELL." "RELAX." "EVERYBODY'S GOING TO LOVE YOU." "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT?" "BECAUSE I DO." "GO, GO, GO, GO." ""INSOUCIANT."" "UNCONCERNED, NONCHALANT." "THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE." "INSOUCIANT..." ""SYCOPHANT"." "UNCARING." "THAT'S WRONG," "IT MEANS ASS-KISSER." "IT DOESN'T SAY ASS-KISSER." ""ONE WHO SEEKS FAVOUR BY FLATTERY."" "ASS-KISSER." "WHO CARES WHAT IT SAYS?" "HOW CAN YOU GIVE AWAY GUS?" "HE'LL THINK YOU DIDN'T WANT HIM." "HE'LL BE RIGHT." "I DON'T BELIEVE YOU." "I WAS THERE THE NIGHT GUS WAS BORN." "I SAW YOU GIVE HIM A KISS..." "NOT EVERYONE'S CUT OUT TO BE A FATHER." "WELL THEN WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO TELL HIM," "SOME DAY WHEN HE'S OLD ENOUGH, WHY YOU DIDN'T WANT HIM?" "I'LL TELL HIM THE TRUTH." "THESE TWO DYKES I KNEW WANTED A KID REALLY BAD," "SO I JERKED OFF INTO A CUP." "THAT'S NOT ALL THERE IS TO IT." "A BOY NEEDS A FATHER." "BELIEVE ME, I KNOW." "YEAH, WELL," "YOU HAVEN'T HAD A FATHER FOR ALMOST TWO WEEKS!" "EVEN IF HE GETS ANGRY," "EVEN IF HE ISN'T ALWAYS THERE," "IT'S BETTER THAN NOT HAVING ONE AT ALL." "YEAH, DON'T BE SO SURE." "YOUR FATHER MUST HAVE LOVED YOU." "HE PROBABLY JUST..." "HE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO SHOW IT." "YEAH, HE KNEW HOW TO SHOW IT ALL RIGHT." "ESPECIALLY AFTER HE'D HAD A FEW." "AT LEAST HE DIDN'T GIVE YOU AWAY." ""GARRULOUS"." "LOQUACIOUS, CHATTY." "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" "OUT." "I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO HELP ME." "IF YOU WANT HELP, CALL YOUR FATHER." "WHEW, WHEN DAVID MAKES A MEAL," "YOU DON'T EAT FOR A WEEK." "BEFORE OR AFTER." "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD COOK." "MM, YOU DO HAVE A LOT TO LEARN." "GIVE HIM TIME AND HE'LL DISCOVER ALL MY LITTLE SECRETS." "LIKE UNDERWEAR." "LIKE..." "YOU HAVE AN UNDERWEAR FETISH?" "ON OUR LAST TRIP TOGETHER," "HE BROUGHT AN ENTIRE SUITCASE" "OF JOCKEY SHORTS AND SOCKS." "DID YOU ALL GO SOMEWHERE TOGETHER?" "MM, TUSCANY, LAST FALL." "WE RENTED A HOUSE..." "IT WAS FABULOUS." "AND THE FOOD." "OH, SHE'S STILL TALKING ABOUT THE FOOD." "TRY GETTING SIX POUNDS OF PROSCIUTTO THROUGH CUSTOMS." "HE EXAGGERATES." "IT WAS FOUR." "IT WAS SIX." "FOUR." "SIX." "HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO ITALY?" "UH, NO, BUT MY UNCLE VIC SPENT A LOT OF TIME THERE." "OH, WAS HE ON BUSINESS?" "NO, AIDS." "HE WENT THERE TO DIE." "OH." "I'M SORRY." "WELL, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT." "HE WAS REALLY SICK, SO HE..." "HE DECIDED TO TAKE THIS DREAM TRIP TO ROME." "AND THEN THE PROTEASE INHIBITORS KICKED IN AND..." "NOW HE'S AT HOME AND HE'S FINE," "EXCEPT FOR SOME OCCASIONAL DIARRHEA." "I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO TAKE MICHAEL AWAY FOR A WHILE." "BUT, YOU KNOW..." "WELL, HE WORKS SO HARD, AND, UH..." "SO WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DO, MICHAEL?" "UM," "I'M IN RETAIL." "REALLY?" "WHERE?" "UM, THE BIG Q." "JUST GOT A PROMOTION." "HE'S A MANAGER." "THE BIG Q?" "EDDIE, ISN'T THAT WHAT PEOPLE CALL YOU?" "I'VE SEEN THOSE STORES, BUT I'VE..." "I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN IN ONE." "THEY SELL EVERYTHING YOU CAN IMAGINE." "BUT NOTHING YOU'D WANT TO BUY." "UH, HAVEN'T I SEEN YOU THERE?" "EXCUSE ME?" "I KNOW I KNOW YOU FROM SOMEWHERE." "DO YOU SHOP AT THE BIG Q?" "HARDLY." "WELL, THE NEXT TIME WE GO SOMEPLACE," "YOU MUST COME WITH US." "MM-HMM." "HOW ABOUT MYKONOS" "FOR JULY?" "UH, I ONLY GET A WEEK OFF." "OH, YOU POOR THING." "THAT IS WHY I LOVE ACADEMIA." "WE PROFESSORS GET THE WHOLE SUMMER." "MMM..." "I SHOULD CHECK THE SEAFOOD PAELLA." "IS EVERYBODY OKAY WITH SHELLFISH?" "MM-HMM." "YES." "FINE." "GREAT." "OKAY." "THAT'S WHERE I KNOW YOU FROM," "FROM THE WHITE PARTY!" "YOU GAVE ME CRABS!" "ANYONE LIKE SOME MORE WINE?" "READY OR NOT?" "YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD." "HMM." "THE BEST." "I AM FINALLY GOING TO BE AN OFFICIALLY SIGNED," "SEALED AND DELIVERED MOM." "ACTUALLY, I'M THE ONE WHO DELIVERED." "HEY, TWO OUT OF THREE AIN'T BAD." "AND WE OWE IT ALL TO..." "OH, JESUS, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT." "BRIAN." "MMM." "I ALWAYS KNEW HE'D COME THROUGH." "I WAS SURE HE'D TELL US TO GO FUCK OURSELVES." "WELL, I'M SURE IT WASN'T EASY, I MEAN, GIVING UP HIS RIGHTS." "HE DIDN'T EVEN SEEM TO CARE." "OH, I'M SURE HE CARED." "HE LOVES HIS SON." "MORE THAN HE EVER THOUGHT." "ALL THAT MATTERS," "IS THAT GUS IS FINALLY OURS." "BOTH OF OURS." "GOD, I'VE MISSED TOUCHING YOU." "YOUR BET, TOMMY." "IF I WIN THIS HAND, THE NEXT ROUND'S ON ME." "OH, THE NEXT ROUND'S ON TOMMY." "THAT MEANS WE'RE GOING TO BE DRY AGAIN TONIGHT." "CALL YOU, RAISE YOU 10." "HOW'S IT GOING, POP?" "BETTER DAYS..." "AND FOR SURE BETTER HANDS." "SAY HELLO TO THE GUYS." "HELLO, GUYS." "I'M OUT." "I WAS BLUFFING ANYWAY." "AS IF YOU WERE FOOLING ANYBODY!" "WHAT'LL YOU HAVE, SONNY BOY?" "BEER'S GOOD." "HOLD YOUR FIRE." "A COUPLE OF YOUR BEST SCOTCHES, MIKE." "UNION HALL." "SO HOW'S THAT FANCY JOB OF YOURS?" "MY FANCY JOB'S JUST FINE." "I CAN'T COMPLAIN." "LEAVE THE COMPLAINING TO "THE WARDEN"." "IF IT WAS UP TO HER, I'D NEVER HAVE ANY FUN!" "LISTEN, UM..." "I'M, UH, A LITTLE SHORT, YOU KNOW, END OF THE MONTH." "I WAS JUST..." "YOU'RE A GOOD BOY." "I'M KEEPING STRICT ACCOUNTS." "EVERY GODDAMN PENNY." "I KNOW." "MR. EXECUTIVE IS TREATING!" "DON'T YOU WORK TOO HARD, NOW." "THANKS FOR THE ADVICE." "YOU'VE GOT TO LEAVE SOME TIME FOR THE LADIES!" "OH, I ALWAYS LEAVE TIME FOR THE LADIES." "BUT DON'T LET THEM TIE YOU DOWN, YOU HEAR?" "DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, POP." "'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL WANT TO DO," "NO MATTER WHAT THE HELL THEY SAY." "I THINK I CAN HANDLE IT." "YOU KNOW, YOU..." "AND ME, WE..." "WE'RE A LOT ALIKE." "WE ARE?" "WE WEREN'T MEANT TO SETTLE DOWN." "SOMETIMES, GODDAMMIT, I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND I SAY," ""JACK KINNEY, YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH," "YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN A FAMILY MAN!"" "THEN WHY DID YOU?" "WHY'D YOU MARRY MOM?" "WHY'D YOU HAVE ME?" "JESUS, YOU'RE A SMART KID." "YOU MEAN YOU NEVER FIGURED IT OUT?" "NOW COME ON, SONNY BOY." "SONNY BOY!" "YOU JUST STAY." "COME ON, HAVE ANOTHER DRINK WITH YOUR OLD MAN!" "COME ON, HAVE ANOTHER DRINK." "TWO MORE." "EVERYONE THINKS I'VE GONE SCHIZO." "I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HUMILIATED IN MY LIFE." "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "DELETING YOU." "LIKE I SHOULD HAVE DONE TO BEGIN WITH." "WHO-OA." "DON'T I GET ONE LAST CHANCE?" "THINK OF ALL THE HOT SEX YOU SCORED PRETENDING TO BE ME." "COME INTO MY WORLD." "YOU DON'T HAVE A WORLD." "YOU HAVE A WEB." "SIGN ON." "ALL RIGHT." "BUT THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE." "SO, WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT TO TALK TO?" "HIM, SURFER DUDE." "SO HOW'S IT GOING?" "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "HE CAN'T HEAR YOU." "YOU DON'T EXIST HERE, REMEMBER?" "YOU'VE GOT TO TALK THROUGH ME." "ALL RIGHT." "WOW!" "GIVE A SCREEN NAME A LITTLE POWER," "HE BECOMES A CONTROL FREAK." "ASK HIM WHAT HE'S GOT ON." "WHAT ARE YOU WEARING, MAN?" "JUST A JOCK-STRAP." "WOW." "IF LIFE WERE LIKE THE INTERNET," "HALF OF PITTSBURGH WOULD BE NAKED." "ASK HIM WHAT HE'S INTO." "WHAT ARE YOU INTO?" "JACKING-OFF, SUCKING." "JUST FOR STARTERS." "I COULD GET INTO THAT." "T-TELL HIM, UH..." "I KNOW WHAT TO SAY." "IT'S WHAT YOU ALWAYS SAY." "I'LL THROW YOU DOWN ON THE BED AND RIP THAT JOCK-STRAP OFF" "WITH MY TEETH." "YOU'RE MAKING ME SO HARD." "THEN I'D FLIP YOU OVER AND I'D SLAP THAT TIGHT, ROUND BUBBLE BUTT" "UNTIL YOU BEG ME TO FUCK..." "YOU." "YEAH, MAN." "YOU'RE MAKING ME SO GORNY." "SO..." "SO GORNY?" "W-WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" "I DON'T..." "SORRY, TYPO." "I'M..." "I'M SO HORNY." "HEY, PITTS, IT'S ME." "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" "OH MY GOD, IT'S "USEMYHOLE27"." "YEAH, I'LL TELL HIM TO FUCK OFF." "WE'RE BUSY." "I STILL WANT TO BE YOUR BOTTOM BOY." "E-MAIL YOUR ADDRESS." "I'LL COME OVER." "WHAT?" "COOL." "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU JUST DID?" "YEAH." "I GOT YOU A DATE." "THANKS, DAVE." "OKAY." "GREAT DINNER, AS ALWAYS." "I'LL CALL YOU THIS WEEK, SWEETIE." "ADORABLE?" "GOOD NIGHT, DAVID." "THANK YOU." "GOOD NIGHT." "OKAY." "HEY!" "DON'T CLEAN UP." "IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO, AFTER THE MESS I MADE." "HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT JAVIER NEVER TOLD ED" "HE WENT TO THE WHITE PARTY?" "WELL HE KNOWS NOW." "OH, GOD." "THERE GOES MY TRIP TO MYKONOS." "I'M SUCH A JERK." "OH, YOU'RE NOT A JERK." "I AM A JERK!" "I'VE NEVER BEEN ANYWHERE," "I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING..." "SO WHAT?" "I BARELY MADE IT THROUGH ONE SEMESTER" "OF COMMUNITY COLLEGE." "SO WHAT?" "LIKE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHICH FUCKING FORK TO USE!" "MICHAEL, IT DOESN'T MATTER!" "IT MATTERS TO ME." "COME ON." "I-I CAN'T, I GOT TO GO." "WHAT?" "I FORGOT MY CLOTHES FOR WORK." "MICHAEL!" "MI..." "HE'S GOING TO OPEN THAT DOOR," "TAKE ONE LOOK AT ME, AND LAUGH," "RIGHT IN MY FACE." "HE LIKED YOU ON-LINE." "YEAH." "THAT'S BECAUSE HE THOUGHT I WAS YOU." "I'M THE CYRANO OF CYBERSPACE." "WHO?" "NEVER MIND." "USEMYHOLE27?" "HUH!" "PITTS9X6." "HUH." "I GUESS I'M NOT WHAT YOU EXPECTED." "WELL, I WAS GONNA SAY THE SAME THING." "I MEAN, I-I-I GUESS YOU CAN TELL, I'M NOT A BIG, BEEFY TOP." "DO I LOOK LIKE A HUNGRY, SUBMISSIVE BOTTOM?" "WELL, YOU SURE HAD ME FOOLED." "I MEAN, THE WAY YOU BEGGED TO BE DOMINATED." "AND THE WAY YOU MADE ME BEG." "YOU'RE THE MOST RUTHLESS PIG MASTER" "I'VE EVER TALKED TO." "THEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING STANDING IN FRONT OF ME, HUH?" "DROP TO YOUR KNEES," "PUSSY BOY." "YES, SIR." "EMMETT, YOU CAN'T KEEP LOSING YOUR KEY." "HEY, SONNY BOY." "OH SHIT, YOU WENT TO SEE YOUR DAD." "HEY, STAY HERE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH YOUR OLD MAN." "ALL RIGHT." "COME ON." "COME ON." "OH, WE..." "WE LOST THE GAME." "UH-HUH." "LIFT UP YOUR ARMS." "THERE WE ARE." "WE HAD A 13 POINT LEAD IN THE LAST 10 MINUTES." "THAT-A-BOY." "AND THE BOYS DOWN AT ELECTRICAL, THEY MIGHT STRIKE." "YOU DON'T SAY." "NOW YOUR PANTS." "THERE YOU GO." "TONY CATTERA'S THINKING ABOUT RETIRING NEXT SPRING," "AND IF HE GOES, WELL YOU KNOW..." "WELL, GOOD FOR TONY." "NOW GET IN." "YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD HIM." ""HOW'S MY SUCCESSFUL SON?" ""I'M A LITTLE SHORT OF CASH."" ""NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN A FAMILY MAN."" "THAT'S ANCIENT HISTORY." "NOW GO TO SLEEP." "HE NEVER CHANGES." "NOT HIS BULLSHIT." "NOT HIS LIFE." "WHEN ARE YOU EVER GOING TO LEARN?" "THAT'S ALL HE IS." "THAT'S ALL HE CAN BE." "ALL YOU THERE, LET ME HEAR YOU SING IT." "EVERYBODY IN THE PLACE, PUT THOSE HANDS IN THE AIR." "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?" "HONEY, YOU NAME IT." "HOW ABOUT YOU?" "AH, I'VE BEEN STARING AT THE SAME GUY FOR THE LAST THREE HOURS." "HEY." "THERE YOU ARE." "HOW'D IT GO?" "THIS BOTTOM'S ON TOP OF THE WORLD." "AND I OWE IT ALL TO YOU, DUDE." "WHAT DID I HAVE TO DO WITH IT, DUDE?" "KID, DON'T WORRY." "I'M NEVER GONNA DELETE YOU." "DELETE...?" "OKAY." "HAND OVER THE DRUGS." "SHUT YOUR HOLE." "EXCUSE ME." "YOU HEARD ME," "PUSSY BOY." "I WANT YOU TO GO DOWNSTAIRS," "AND TELL THAT GUY THAT YOU'VE BEEN STARING AT ALL NIGHT" "TO GET DOWN ON HIS KNEES" "AND SERVICE YOUR COCK." "WHAT?" "MOVE IT." "MOVE IT." "YES, SIR." "I HAD MY ASSISTANT" "FLAG THE PLACES FOR YOU TO SIGN." "I NEED A PEN." "GOT ONE." "Gus." "THERE'S NO INK IN THERE." "I HAVE ONE." "HERE YOU GO." "Gus." "BRIAN?" "OH-H..." "WHAT IS IT?" "SWEETIE?" "HONEY, I THOUGHT YOU CHANGED HIM." "I DID." "MAYBE THAT NEW FORMULA DOESN'T AGREE WITH HIM." "WELL, I GUESS WE SHOULD GET ON WITH IT." "I CHANGED MY MIND." "BRIAN, PLEASE DON'T DO THIS." "I'M NOT SIGNING IT." "W-WE HAD AN AGREEMENT." "THAT WAS BEFORE." "GUS DIDN'T EXIST THEN." "OH, GOD, I KNEW IT." "BRIAN," "YOU KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS TO US," "AFTER WHAT HAPPENED AT THE HOSPITAL." "WELL, I'M SORRY FOR THAT." "THAT WAS WRONG." "BUT SO IS GIVING UP MY KID." "ISN'T THAT RIGHT, SONNY BOY?" "COULD YOU USE A BREAK?" "I'M STILL WORKING OFF THE PAELLA." "WHOO, I COULD USE A FEW REPS MYSELF." "COME ON." "LOOK, I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU..." "MICHAEL, I WANT..." "NO, I GOTTA TALK TO YOU..." "I WANT TO..." "YOU GO FIRST." "GO." "LOOK, I KNOW I DISAPPOINTED YOU." "NO, I LET YOU DOWN." "I'M AN IDIOT AND I..." "I'M A JERK." "I WAS INSENSITIVE." "I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE SENSITIVE..." "I DON'T REALLY FIT IN WITH YOUR FRIENDS." "I..." "I DON'T KNOW IF I EVER WILL." "WHEN TWO PEOPLE LIVE IN TWO SEPARATE PLACES..." "WE'RE FROM TWO TOTALLY DIFFERENT WORLDS." "THERE'S ONLY ONE THING THAT WE SHOULD DO." "I KNOW." "I AGREE." "THERE'S NO OTHER CHOICE." "SO THIS IS IT." "IT'S OVER." "OVER?" "WHAT'S OVER?" "I WANT YOU TO MOVE IN WITH ME."