"My name ís H I McDunnough." "Call me Hí." "The _rst tíme I met Ed was ín the county lockup ín Tempe, Arízona." " Don't forget his profile, Ed!" " Turn to the right!" "A day I'll neyerforget." "Turn to the right!" "What kind of name is that for a prem thing like you?" "Short for Edwina." "Turn to the right!" "You're a flower, you are." "Just a little desert flower." "Let me know how those come out." "Now, príson Ime ís vey structured..." "more than most people care for." "But a spírít _ comradey exísts be_een the men líke you _nd only ín combat, maybe, or on a pro ball club ín the heat ofthe pennant dríye." "In an effort to better ourselyes, we had to meet wíth a counselor, who tríed to help us figure out why we were the way we were." "And all Pancho wanted was a hot roll and butter." "So... why do you use the word "trapped"?" " Huh?" " Why do you sayyou feel "trapped"" "in a man's body?" "Well, sometimes I get the menstrual cramps real hard." " Have you learned anything, Hi?" " Yes, sir." "You bet." " You wouldn't lie to us, would you, Hi?" " No, ma'am, hope to say." "OK, then." "I tríed to stand up and _y straíght, but ítwasn't easy wíth that son ofa bítch Reagan ín the Whíte House." "I don't know." "They say he's a decent man." "So... maybe hís adyísers are confused." "Turn to the right." "What's the matter, Ed?" " My fiance le_ me." " She saíd herfiancé had run off wíth a student cosmetologíst who knew how to ply her femíníne wíles." " The son of a bitch." " Don't forget his phone call, Ed!" "Tell him I think he's a damfool, Ed." "You tell him I said so, H I McDunnough." "And if he wants to discuss it, he knows where to find me." "The Maricopa County maximum security correctional facility for men," "State Farm Road, No.31, Tempe, Arizona. I'll be waitin'!" "I'll be waitin'." "I can't say I was happy to be back ínsíde, but theflood _famílíar síghts, sounds and faces almost made ítfeel líke a homecomín'." "Most men your age are getting married and raising up a family." " Well, factually..." " They wouldn't accept prison as a substitute." "Would any ofyou men care to comment?" "Well, sometimes your career's gotta come before family." "Work's what's kept us happy." "I tríed to so_through what Doc SchwaR had saíd, but príson aín't the easíest place to thínk." "And when there was no meat, we ate fowl." "And when there was no fowl, we ate crawdad." "And when there was no crawdad to be found, we ate san'." " You ate what?" " We ate san'." " You ate sand?" " That's right." "Well, Hi, you done served your 20 months." "And seein' as how you never use live ammo, we got no choice but to return you to society." " These doors are gonna swing wide." " l didn't wanna hurt anyone, sir." " Hi, we respect that." " But you're just hurting yourself" " with this rambunctious behavior." " l know that, sir." "OK, then." "I don't know how you come down on the íncarceratíon questíon, whether ít's for rehabílítatíon or reyenge, but I was begínníng to thínk revenge ís the only argument makes any sense." "Show the tattoo!" " Turn to the right!" " Don't forget his fingers, Ed." "Hear about the paddy wagon collided with the cement mixer, Ed?" "Twelve hardened criminals escaped." "I heard that one." " Got a new beau?" " No, Hi, I sure don't." "Don't wory, I paid for it." "They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder." "And, for once, they may be ríght." "You missed a spot." "More and more my thoughts turned to Ed and I _nally felt the paín of ímprísonment." "Mama would throw the live crawdad in a pan of boiling' water." "Well, one day I decided to make my own crawdad." "And I threw it in a pot, without the water, you see?" "And it was lust like makin' popcorn, you see?" "Yeah, thejoínt's a lonely place after lockup and líghts out, when the last ofthe cons has been swept away by the sandman." "But I couldn't help thínkín' that a bríghterfuture lay ahead." "A future thatwas only eíght to fourteen months away." "They got a name for people like you, Hi." " That name is called "recidivism."" " Repeat o_ender!" " Not a prem name, is it, Hi?" " No, sir." "That's one bonehead name." " But that ain't me anymore." " Are you just tellin' us what we wanna hear?" " No, sir, no way." " Cos we just wanna hear the truth." "Well, then I guess I am tellin' you what you wanna hear." " Boy, didn't we lust tell you not to do that?" " Yes, sir." "OK, then." "Turn to the right!" "I'm walkin' in here on my knees, Ed, a free man, proposing'." "Howdy, Curt." " And so ítwas." " Don't forget the bouquet, Ed!" " l do." " You bet I do." "OK, then." "Ed's pa staked us to a sta_er home ín suburban Tempe and I got ajob dríllín' holes ín sheet metal." "So we were doin' paramedical work with the state highway system." "Not actually practicing', you understand." "Me and Bill's patrolling' down Nine Mile..." " Bill Roberts?" " No, not that mother-scratcher." "Bill Parker." "An_ay, we're approaching' the wreck and there's this spherical obiect resting' in the highway." "And it's not a piece o' the car." "Most ways, thejob was a lot líke príson, except Ed was waítín' atthe end _ evey day and a paycheck at the end of eyey week." "Government do take a bite, don't she?" "These were the happy days, the salad days, as they say, and Edfelt that havín' a crítter was the next logícal step." "It was all she thought about." "Her poíntwas thatthere was too much Ioye and beautyforjust the _o of us." "Evey day we kept a chíld out _the world was a day he míght later regret hayín' míssed." "That was beautiful." "So we worked at ít on the days we calculated most líkely to be fruífful." "And we worked at ít most other days, just to be sure." "Ed rejoíced that my lawless years were behínd me and that our chíld-rearíng years lay ahead." "And then the roof cayed ín." "Hi..." "I'm barren!" "At _rst I dídn't belíeye ít." "That thís woman, who looked as fertíle as the Tennessee yalley, could not bear chíldren." "But the doctor explaíned that her ínsídes were a rocky place where my seed could _nd no purchase." "Ed was ínconsolable." "We tríed an adoptíon agency." "It's true that Hi has had a checkered past." "But Ed here is an o_icer ofthe law _ice decorated, so we figure it kinda evens out." "But bíology and the prejudíces _ others conspíred to keep us chíldless." "Our love for each other was stronger than eyer." "But I premínísced..." "no return of the salad days." "The pízazz had gone out of our líyes." "Ed lost all ínterest ín both crímínal justíce and housekeepín'." "Soon after, she tendered her badge." "Even myjob seemed as dy and bítter as a hot praíríe wínd." "So here's Bill, walkin' down Nine Mile..." "That's Bill Parker, you understand." "He's got his sandwich in one hand and a fuckin' head in the other!" "I even caught myseH dríyín' by conyeníence stores that weren't on the way home." "Then one day, the bíggest news hít the state sínce they buílt the Hooyer Dam." "The Arízona quínts was born." "By "Arízona quínts" l mean they was born to a woman named Florence Arízona." "As you probably guessed, florence Arízona ís the wme of Nathan Arízona." ", And Nathan Arízona..." "Well, hell you know who he ís." "So come on down to Unpaínted Arízona to getthefinest selectíon ín fxtures and appoíntments for your bathroom, bedroom, boudoír." "And myou canfind lower príces anywhere, my name aín't Nathan Arízona!" "Owner _ the largest chaín of unpaínted furníture and bathroom fi_ure outlets throughout the Southwest." "Yep, florence had been takín' fe_ílíty pílls and she and Nathan had hít thejackpot." "Now, y'all wíthout sín can cast the _rst stone." "We thought ítwas umaír some should haye so many whíle others should haye so few." "Wíth the bendiit _ híndsíght, maybe ít wasn't such a hot ídea." "But, atthe tíme, Ed's líttle plan seemed líke the solutíon to all our problems and the answer to all our prayers." "800 leaftables and no chairs?" "You can't sell leaftables and no chairs." "Chairs, you got a dinette set." "No chairs, you got dick!" "I ask my wife, she got more sense." "Miles, alls l know is I'm away from the o_ice for a few days to play with my kids and evemhing goes straight to heck!" "I won't stand for it!" "If a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass a-hoppin'." "I am sick ofyour excuses, Miles!" "It is now precisely... 8:45 in the p.m." "I'm gonna be down that store in exactly 12 hours to kick me some butt!" "Or my name ain't Nathan Arizona!" "Sounds like Lary." "No, no, no, no, no." "Quiet, quiet, quiet." "Quiet, quiet." "OK, all right." "Quiet, quiet, quiet." "That's it." "Good." "Here's a rattle." "A rattle." "OK?" "Good." "No, no." "Quiet, quiet." "Come here." "Please come here." "Come here." "Why don't you go up and check on 'em?" "They sound restless." " What's the matter?" " l'm sory, honey." "Itjust didn't work out." " What do you mean it didn't work out?" " Well, they..." "They started cying' and they were all over me." "It was kinda horri_in', honey." "Let me in." " Of course they cried." "Babies cy." " Well, I know that." " Come on, honey." "We'd better leave." " Go back and get me a toddler." "I need a baby, Hi." "They got more than they can handle." " Honey, I..." " Don't you come back here without a baby!" "Christian Dior, my butt!" " They pay money for that?" " Yes, dear." " How're the kids?" " Fine, dear." " Which one you get?" " l don't know." "Nathan Junior, I think." " Gimme here." " Here's the instructions." "He's beautiful." "Yeah, he's awful damn good." "I think I got the best one." "I bet they were all beautiful." "All babies are beautiful." " This one's awful damn good." " Don't you cuss around him." " He's fine, he is. I think it's Nathan Junior." " We are doin' the right thing, aren't we, Hi?" " They had more than they could handle." " Well, honey, we've been over this." "There's what's right and there's what's right." " Never the _ain shall meet." " But don't you think his mama'll be upset?" "Well, of course she'll be upset, sugar, but she'll get over it." "She's got four little babies almost as good as this one." "It's like robbing' convenience stores." "I love him so much!" " l know you do, honey." " l love him so much!" "I know you do." "OK." "Bring him in!" "This is it, young Nathan Junior!" "You can feast your eyes about, old boy!" " Don't be so loud around him." " Damn, I'm sory." " Don't cuss around him." " He don't know a cuss word from Shinola." " Well, you see that he don't." " l wanna hold him too." " Well, mind his little fontanel." " He's all right, he is." "Come on over here, young Nathan Junior." "I'm gonna show you around." "Lookee here, young sportsman." "That there's the kitchen area, where Ma and Pa chow down." "This here's the TV." "Two hours a day maximum, either educational or football so as you don't ruin your appreciation ofthe finer things." "And this here's the divan, for socialisin' and relaxin' with the family unit." "Yes, sir." "Many's the day we sat there and we said" ""Wouldn't it be nice to have a youngster to share our thoughts and feelings?"" " He's tired, Hi." " Well, I'll just sit you right there, boy." "Just put those dogs up and take a load o_." "What, are you kiddin'?" "We got us a family here!" "He's a scandal, honey." "He's a little outlaw." "No, he's a good boy." "He ain't too good." "You can tell by that _inkle in his eye." " Don't you think we oughta put him to bed?" " Hang on, honey." " Let's lust preserve the moment in pictures." " Just one, OK?" "I gotta tell ya..." "I'm a little scared, Hi." " How come is that, honey?" " Well..." "We got a baby, Hi." "It's an awful big responsibility." "Honey, could you slide over a tad and raise the nipper up?" "I mean, we never done this before and I'm kinda nervous." "You're doin' real good, sugar." " l love you, Hi." " We're setto pop here, honey." " Now, you're gonna help, aren't you?" " How's that, honey?" "Contribute to the management ofthe child." " Quiet evenings together." " You can count on it." "Evemhing decent and normal from here on out." "We're set to pop here, honey." " OK." " What is she?" "Station wagon." "Looks nice." "Open up!" "It's the police!" " Hi, what's goin' on?" " You stay in here." " Open up!" " They ain't gonna split up the family." " Open up in there!" " l'd like to see 'em ty." "Open up!" "Maybe we'll let you plea bargain!" " Hi there, you old woodpecker!" " Boys!" "Gale, don't make me sick!" "Asshole!" "Honey, I'd like you to meet Gale and Evelle Snopes." "As fine a pair as ever broke and entered!" "Boys... this here's my wife." " Ma'am." " Ms McDunnough." " Kinda late for visitors, isn't it, Hi?" " Well, yeah, honey." "But these boys lust got outta the ioint, so we gotta show a little hospitality." "Well, now, H I." "Looks like you've been up to the devil's business." " Hey, is that a him or a her?" " It's a little boy." " Got a name, does he?" " So far we just been usin' Junior." " We call him Junior." " You mean JR, just like the TV show?" "." "That's good!" " "Welcome home, son."" "Where's he been?" " Phoenix." " Tulsa." " He was visitin' his grandparents." " They're separated." " That'd be your folks, ma'am." " No, I'm afraid not." "Well, you said your folks was dead, H I." "Well, we thought Junior should see their final resting' place." "Why don't you boys have a seat?" "Hi, it's _o in the mornin'." "What's that smell?" "We don't always smell this way, Ms McDunnough." "I was explainin' to your better half that, when we were tunneling' out, we happened to hit the main sewer line." "Dumb luck, that." " And we followed that to..." " You busted outtajail?" "No, ma'am." "We released ourselves on our own recognizance." "What Evelle is tying' to say is we felt the institution no longer had anything to o_er us." " My Lord, he's cute!" " He's a little outlaw." "You can see that, Hi." "Now, listen, you folks can't stay here." " Ma'am?" " You just can't stay." "I appreciate you bein' friends of Hi an' all, but this is a decent family now." "I mean, we got a toddler here." "Say, who wears the pants round here, H I?" " Honey, these boys lust got outta the ioint..." " Don't "honey" me!" "Now you boys can sit awhile and catch up, but then you be on your way." "Got you on an awful short leash, don't she, H I?" "They still here?" "Yeah." "They're just gonna stay a day or _o, honey." "It's rainin' out, they got nowheres to go..." "They're fugitives, Hi." "How're we gonna start a new life with them around?" "Well, now, honey, you gotta have a little charity." "You know, in Arab lands, they'd set out a plate." "Promise lust a day or _o." "Tonight and tomorrow, tops." "That níght I had a dream." "I dcode(0155)ímed off, thínkín' about happíness, bírth and new Ime." "But now I was haunted by a yísíon of..." "He was horríble." "The lone bíker of the Apocalypse." "A man wíth all the powers of Hell at hís command." "He could turn the day ínto níght and lay to waste eyemhíng ín hís path." "He was especíally hard on the líttle thíngs, the helpless and the gentle creatures." "He left a scorched earth ín hís wake, befoulín' even the sweet desert breeze that whípped across hís brow." "I dídn't know where he came from or why." "I dídn't know m he was dream or yísíon." "But I feared that I myseH had unleashed hím." "For he was the fuy that would be, as soon as florence Arízona found her líttle Nathan gone." "# Father sits at his cabin door" "# Wiping his tear-dimmed eyes" "# For his only son soon shall walk" "# To yonder sca_old rise" " You all right?" " Well, he's all right." "He was lust havin' a nightmare." "# My race is run beneath the sun" "# The sca_old now waits for me" "# For I did murder that dear little girl" "# Whose name was Rose Connelly" "Sometimes it's a hard world for little things." "Now, the missis and the rest of the kids have le_ town to..." "I ain't sayin' where." "They'll be back here when we're a nuclear family again." " Mr Arizona, which tot was abducted?" " Nathan Junior, I think." " Anything to say to the kidnappers?" " Yeah." "Watch your butts!" "It's rumored your son was abducted by UFOs." " Would you care to comment?" " Don't print that, son." "If his mama reads that, she's just gonna lose all hope." "Sir, we really need to ask you some more questions." "But remember it's still business as usual at Unpainted Arizona." "If you can find lower prices an_here, my name still ain't Nathan Arizona!" "Mr Byrum here can take your exemplars while you talk." "Just relax your hand. I'll do the work." " What is this?" "I didn't steal the damn kid!" " Sir, these men are with the fbi." "Are you crazy?" "Alls I know is, I wake up and my wife's screamin'." "We lust need to distinguish your prints from the perpetrator, ifthey le_ any." " Of course. I know that." " Sir, were you born Nathan Hu_hines?" " Yeah, I changed my name." "What of it?" " Can you tell us why?" "Yeah." "Would you buy furniture at "Unpainted Hu_hines"?" " l'll get to the point..." " Was the child wearing anything?" " Nobody sleeps naked in this house!" " l'll ask the questions!" "To put an APB out, I need a description." "We're better trained to intervene in a crisis situation." "What was he wearing?" "A dinneriacket." "What do you think?" "His damn jammies!" " He was wearing his iammies." "Happy?" " Any disgruntled employees?" "Hell, they're all disgruntled." "I ain't running' a daisy farm." " l say do it my way or watch your butt!" " So it might have been an employee?" "Without my say-so, they wouldn't piss with their pants on fire." " What did the paiamas look like?" " l don't know." "They were jammies!" "They had Yodas and shit on 'em." "Get your damn feet o_ my co_ee table!" " Ron, you are upsetting the victim!" " Are you boys gonna chase your leads or sit drinking' co_ee in the one house in the state where l know my boy ain't at?" "Well, we don't have any leads as yet, aside from the coat." "Gimme that!" "That's a $500 camel's-hair coat." "Sir, you might want to wash your hands at this point." "Goddammit!" "No leads!" "Eveyone leaves microbes and whatnot." "Hell, that's your forte, ain't it?" "Trackin' down microbes le_ by criminals and commies and shit." "That's your whole raison d'être, ain't it?" "No leads!" "I want Nathan Junior back!" "Or whichever the hell one of 'em they took!" "He's out there somewhere." "Somethin' leads to him!" "Anyone can find him knows the di_erence be_een a lead and a hole in the ground!" "Awful good cereal flakes, Ms McDunnough." "Why ain't you breast-feedin'?" "You appear to be capable." " Mind your own business." " Ma'am, you don't breast-feed him, he hates you later." "That's why we wound up in prison." "An_ay, that's what Doc Schwartz tells us." "Boys." "Mornin', Hi." "Hi..." "Oh, yeah." "Say, boys..." "You wouldn't mind makin' yourselves scarce for a coupla hours this a_ernoon, would ya?" "We're havin' some decent friends over." "What Ed means to say is,... seein' as you _o boys are wanted, it wouldn't exactly do to have folks seein' you here." "It's for your own protection." " Sure, H I." " Anything you say, Hi." "Matter offact, honey, I think I'll skip this little get-together myself." "Glen won't mind. I'll lust duck out with the boys, knock back a coupla co-colas." " Sure, H I." " We'd love to have you, Hi." "Maybe that ain't such a swell idea, either." "So many social engagements, so little time." "Where's that baby?" "Where is he at?" " Go find him, honey!" " Cut it out, Glen!" "He's asleep right now." "Shit!" "I hope we didn't wake it!" "Can I lust sneak a peek-a-loo?" "Come on, kids!" "Get away from Mr McDunnough's car!" "What's his name?" "Hi..." "Hi Junior, till we think of a better one." "Why don't ya call him Jason?" "I love biblical names." "If I had another little boy, I'd name him Jason, Caleb or Tab." "He's an angel!" "He's an angel straight from heaven!" "Now honey, I had all my kids the hard way." "Tell me how you got this little angel." "Did he fly straight down from heaven?" " Well..." " You're gonna send him to Arizona State." "Gimme a Twinkie!" " You need a beer, Glen?" " Does the Pope wear a funny hat?" "Yeah, Glen, I guess it is kinda funny." "Say, that reminds me." "How many Polacks does it take to screw up a light bulb?" "I don't know, Glen." "One?" "No, it takes three." "I told it wrong. I'll start again." "How come it takes three Polacks to screw up a light bulb?" " l don't know, Glen." " Cos they're so darn stupid!" "Shit, man!" "Listen up!" "What's the matter?" "Don't ya get it?" " No, Glen, I sure don't." " Well, shit, man." "I guess that's why they call it a way-homer." " Why's that?" " Cos you only get it on the way home." "I'm already home, Glen." "You wet yourself!" "You wet yourself!" "Mr McDunnough wet himself, Daddy!" "Say, that reminds me." "How'd you get that kid so fast?" "Me and Dot went to adopt - somethin' wrong with my semen." "They said we had to wait five years for a healthy white baby." "I said "Healthy white baby, five years?" "OK, what else you got?"" "They said they got _o Koreans and a Negro born with his heart on the outside." " It's a crazy world." " Someone oughta sell tickets." "Sure. I'd buy one." "That Buford's a sly one." "He already knows his ABCs." "Watch this." "Hit the deck, boy!" "But like I'm sayin', how'd you get the kid?" "Well, this whole thing is lust who knows who." "Then over here you have favoritism." "Ed has a friend at one ofthe agencies." "Maybe she can help me and Dot." "There's somethin' wrong with my semen." "What you gonna name it?" "Ed." "Ed Junior." " But I thought you said it was a boy." " Well, as in Edward." "We just like that name." "It's a good one." "I don't really need another kid, but Dot says these are gettin' too big to cuddle." "Say, that reminds me..." "Mind you don't cut yourself, Mordecai." "Then there's diphtheria-tetanus, what they call dip-tet." "They need dip-tet boosters yearly, or they develop lockjaw and night vision." "Then there's the smallpox vaccine, chicken pox and measles." "If your kid's like ours, you'll have to get all those shots before he'll take 'em." " Who's your pediatrician?" " We ain't exactly fixed on one yet, have we?" " No, I guess we don't have one yet." " Jesus!" "Well, you gotta have one this instant!" " What ifthe baby gets sick, honey?" " Even if he don't, he's gotta have his dip-tet." "He's gotta have his dip-tet, honey." " You started his bank accounts yet?" " Have we done that?" "We gotta do that." " What's that for, Dot?" " His orthodonture and his university." "Use iodine, you might save on orthodonture." "Won't knock a thing o_the university." "Riley!" "You take that diaper o_your head!" "You put it back onto your sister!" "An_ay, you probably got the life insurance all squared away." "Have we done that yet, honey?" "Gotta do that, Hi." " Ed's got her hands full with this angel." " Yes, ma'am." "What would Ed and little angel do if a truck splattered your brains over the interstate?" "Yeah, honey." "What ifyou get run over?" "Or you got carried o_ by a _ister?" "Say, that reminds me." "You hear about the person of Polish persuasion?" "He walks into a bar with this big pile of shit in his hand and says "Look what I almost stepped in!"" " Yeah, that's funny all right." " Damn right!" "Shit, man, what's the matter?" "I don't know." "Maybe it's... the wife, kids, family life. I mean..." "Are you satisfied, Glen?" "Don't you ever feel... su_ocated?" "Like there's somethin' big pressing' down?" "Yeah, I do know that feelin'." "And I told Dot to lose some weight, but she don't wanna listen." "No, man, I know what you mean." "You got all these responsibilities now." "You're married, you got a kid, it looks like your whole life is set down..." " Where's the excitement?" " Yeah, Glen, I guess that's it." "OK, that's a disease, but you got a cure." "Yeah?" "Dr Glen is here to tell you that you can heal thyself." " What do I gotta do?" " Well, you just gotta broaden your mind." "Say if I was to ask you "What do you think about Dot?"" "Well, she's a fine woman you got there." "OK, now you might not know it to look at her, but she's a hellcat." " That right?" " T-l-G-E-R." " Well, what's that gotta do with..." " Now, don't rush me." "The thing about Dot is..." "She told me this." "She thinks..." "She thinks you're cute." "Yeah?" "I'm crapping' you negative." "And I could say the same thing about Ed." " What are you talkin' about, Glen?" " What am I talkin' about?" "I'm talkin' about sex." "What are you talkin' about?" "I'm talkin' about I'amour." "I'm talkin' that me and Dot are swingers." "As in, to swing." "I'm talkin' about wife-swappin'." "I'm talkin' about what they call now "open marriage"..." "Keep your goddamn hands o_ my wife." "I was only tying' to help!" "You're crazy!" " You're crazy, man!" " Keep your goddamn hands o_ my wife!" "You're crazy!" "I pity you!" "We finally go out with some decent people and you break his nose." "That ain't funny, Hi." " His kids seemed to think it was funny." " Well, they're just kids." "You're a grown man with responsibilities." "Whatever possessed ya?" " He was provoking' me." " How'd he do that?" " Never mind." " But, Hi, he's your foreman." "He's lust gonna fire you now." " l expect he will." " Where does that leave the three of us?" "Where does that leave our entire family unit?" " With a man for a husband." " That ain't no answer." " Honey, that's the only answer." " That ain't no answer." "With a man for a husband." "Nathan needs some Huggies." "I'll be out directly." "Mind you stay strapped in." "Wake up, son." "I'll be takin' these Huggies and whatever cash you got." ""No, no, not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin" said the little pig." "Look at that." "Look at him." ""Then I'll..."" ""Then I'll hu_ and I'll pu_ and I'll blow your house in."" "That son of a bitch." "That son of a bitch!" " You son of a bitch!" " Better hury it up. I'm in Dutch with the wife." "You son of a bitch!" "Come on now!" "Honey?" "That son of a bitch." "Hold on, Nathan." "We're gonna go pick up Daddy." "Son, you got a panty on your head." "Just drive fast, OK?" "Wait." "There's the wife." "Honey!" "Mind the baby now!" "Hang on, Nathan." "We're gonna take a short cut." "Can I stop now?" "Thank you." "That's príyate propem, son." "Come out to the street and reyeal yourseH to Omcer Steensma and Omcer Scott." "Son of a bitch!" "Thank you, honey, but you really didn't have to do this." "Son of a bitch!" "What if me and the baby had been picked up?" " Turn le_ here." " He'd be accessoy to armed robbey." " It ain't armed robbey ifthe gun ain't loaded." " What kind of home life is it for a toddler?" " You supposed to be an example." " For what?" "I never postured myself as a three-piece suit type." "Turn right, honey." " We got a child now!" "Evemhing's changed!" " Nathan Junior accepts me for what I am." "And I think you better had too." "You know, honey:" "I'm OK, you're OK." " That there's what it is." " l know, but, honey..." "See, I come from a long line offrontiersmen." "Here it is, dear." "Turn here." "Frontiersmen and outdoor types." "I'm not gonna live this way, Hi." "It just ain't family life." "Well, it ain't Ozzíe andHarríet." "You _o are leavin'." "I got nothin' against you, but you're wanted by the authorities." "And you're a bad influence in this household in my opinion." "Well, ma'am..." "We sure didn't mean to influence anybody." "And ifwe did, ma'am, we apologize." "I'm goin' tomorrow to see about shots for the baby." "When I come back, you better be gone." "What's he need, his dip-tet?" "I'm awful sory, boys, but when Ed gets mad, you know, she gets an idea." "There ain't a thing to apologize for, H I." "Seems prem clear what the situation is here." "Yeah. I guess the missis wants us to clear out." "Now, H I, ifyou'll pardon me for sayin' so," " l get the feelin' that this ain't workin' out." " Edwina's generally a real sweetheart." "And, as per usual, I wouldn't be surprised if the source of the marital friction weren't financial." "As a matter offact, I did lose myiob today." "Hi, you're young and you got your health." "What you want with ajob?" "But I'd rather light a candle than curse your darkness." "Now, as you know, Evelle here and I never go an_here without there's a purpose." "And here we are in your little domicile." " We come to invite you in on a little score." " A bank, H I." "Come on now!" "I know you're partial to convenience stores, but dammit, H I, the sun don't rise and set on the corner grocey." "It's like Doc Schwartz says, you gotta have a little bit of ambition." "We lust watching' on the news." "Somebody snatched up one ofthem Arizona babies." " For chrissakes." " That there's somebody who's thinkin' big." "And here you are, sittin' on your butt, playin' house with a - don't get me wrong, H I - with a fine woman, but a woman who needs one ofthem button-down types." " l don't particularly think that's any ofyour..." " Hold on, H I." "Now lookee there." "That's a picture of El Dorado." "The locals call it the Farmers and Mechanics Bank of La Grange." "Looks like a hayseed bank." "Tell you the truth, it is a hayseed bank." "But the last Friday of evey financial quarter, it has more cash than flies at a barbecue." " And guess what day it is tomorrow." " When all the hayseeds come in and cash their farm subsidies checks." " A1 information, Hi." " Got it in the joint from a guy named Lawrence Spivey, one of Dick Nixon's undersecretay of agricultures." "In for soliciting sex from a state trooper." "Ordinarily we don't associate with that type of person, but... he was tying' to make a few Brownie points." "Boys, I can't." "Hi, we need someone handy with a scatter-gun, covering' them hayseeds, while we go in there and get that cash." "You understand, H I?" "Ifthis works out, it's just the beginning of a spree to cover the entire Southwest." "And we keep goin' until we can retire... or we get caught." "Either way, we're fixed for life." "Boys, it's a kind o_er, but... you're suggesting I lust up and leave Ed." "And that'd be prem damn cowardly, wouldn't it?" "Would it?" "Think about it, H I." "Seems to me sittin' here you ain't doin' her any good." "And you ain't being' true to your own nature." "My dearest Edwína, toníght, as you and Nathan slumber, my heart ís _lied wíth anguísh." "I hope thatyou wíll both understand, and forgíye me for what I haye decíded I must do." "By the tíme you read thís, I wíll be gone." "I wíll never be the man that you want me to be." "The husband and father that you and Nathan deserve." "Maybe ít's my upbríngíng." "Maybe ít'sjust that my genes got screwed up." "I don't know." "But the events _the last day haye showed amply that I don't have the strength of character to raíse up a famíly ín the manner be_ttíng a responsíble adult." "I say all thís to my shame." "I wíll loye you always, truly and deeply." "But Ifear that, ml stay, I would only bríng bad trouble on the heads ofyou and Nathan Juníor." "I feel the thunder gatheríng eyen now." "H I leaye, hopefully, ít wíll leaye wíth me." "I cannot tary." "Better I should go, send you money and let you curse my name." "Your loyíng " "Herbert." "Mr Arizona, he lust barged in." "Should I call Duane?" "Hell, no." "Why wake the security guard?" "I'll take care ofthis." " You got flies." " l doubt it." "This place is climate-controlled." "All the windows are sealed." " Who the hell are you?" " Smalls." "Leonard Smalls." "My friends call me Lenny." "But I got no friends." "Stop." "You're gonna make me bust out cying'." "Listen, Leonard... you want some furniture or a shit-box, they're on the sales floor." "I'm not a customer. I'm a man hunter." "Now, of course, I do hunt babies on occasion." "I hear you got one you can't put your hand to." " What do you know about it?" " That's my business." "I'm a tracker, and some say part hound dog." "But when some dink busts outta the ioint, skips bail, I'm the one they call." "Mister... I got the cops, state troopers, Federal Bl, already lookin' for my boy." " Now ifyou got information..." " The cops won't find your boy." "A cop couldn't find his butt if he had a bell on it." "You wanna find an outlaw, you call an outlaw." "You wanna find a Dunkin' Donuts, call a cop." "Smalls, first o_, get your damn feet o_ my furniture." "Second o_, it's widely known I posted a 25-grand reward for my boy." "Now ifyou can find him, claim it." "Short ofthat, what have we got to talk about?" "Price." "Fair price." "That's not what you say it is." "That's what the market will bear." "Simple economics." "Now there are people - and, mind you, I know 'em - that'll pay a lot more than $25,OOO for a healthy baby." " What are you a_er?" " l'll give you an idea." "As a pup, I myselffetched $30,OOO on the black market." "That was 1954 dollars." "Now, for 50 grand, I'll track him and I'll find him." "And the people that took him..." "I'll kick their butts." "No extra charge." " And if I don't pay?" " l'll get the boy regardless." "And ifyou don't pay, the market will." "You wanna know what I think?" "I think you're an evil man." "I think this is nothin' but a goddamn screw job. I think it's a shakedown." "I think you're the one that took Nathan Junior and I think you're the one that's gonna get his butt kicked." "I think I'm on the phone to the cops right now..." "Up and at 'em, H I!" "Today's the first day ofthe rest ofyour life." "Already you're messin' it up." "Missis gonna be back from town soon." " Where's the baby?" " In the bedroom in his crib." "He's sawing' toothpicks." "He'll be fine." " You expecting' anyone?" " No." "You _o stay outta sight." " Mornin', Glen." " l ain't comin' in, ifyou don't mind." "I'll lust keep my distance." " l didn't invite ya in, Glen." " Don't even bother." " First o_, you're fired, and that's o_icial." " l kinda figured that, Glen." "Well, that ain't the reason I come out here." "No, sir!" "No." "You're in a whole shitload oftrouble, my friend." " Why don't yaiust calm down?" " Why don't you just make me?" "You know that little baby you got in there?" "Remember?" "I know what his real name is!" " You wanna keep your voice down, Glen?" " l'll pitch my voice wherever I please!" "His name ain't Hi Junior, it ain't Ed Junior, but it's Junior, all right." "It's Nathan Junior!" "You stay away from me, McDunnough!" "Yeah." "You're an awful big man when you got somethin' around to clobber a guy with!" " l ain't a big man." " That's right." "And now you're at my mercy." "I'm your worst nightmare." "I was gonna turn you in for the reward, but Dot wants somethin' to cuddle." "I guess we'll be callin' the baby" "Glen Junior from now on!" "I'll give you a day to break the news to Ed!" "Dot'll be around tomorrow to pick him up." "Either that, or you go to iail." "Say, that reminds me." "You'll be gettin' a doctor bill in the mail in a few days. I recommend you pay it!" " What's goin' on here?" " It's just business." "This'll go hard or easy, H I." "Sweet Lord!" "# She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes" "# Oh, when she comes" "# She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes" "Good!" "I know you're worried, but we're gonna get him back." "There ain't no question about that." "We will." "That's all there is to it." "And another thing... I'm gonna be a better person from here on out." "That's the way it's gonna be." "It's o_icial." "You were right." "A blind man could tell ya that." "They won't hurt him." "They're in it for the score." "But I'm a changed man." "You were right, I was wrong." "We got a family here." "I'm gonna start actin' responsibly." "So let's go, honey." "Let's go get Nathan Junior!" "# All have chicken and dumplings" "# Yeah, we'll all have chicken and dumplings when she comes" "I luuve to drive." " Boy, you sure said somethin' there, partner." " Yes, sir." "I figure be_een the ransom and this bank, you and I'll be sittin' in the fabled catbird seat." "Gale..." "Junior lust had an accident." " What's that, partner?" " He had hisself a little ol' accident." " What do you mean?" "He looks OK." " No, you see, movin' though we are, he lust went and had hisself a little old rest dump." "Well, that's natural." " Gale?" " What now, little brother?" "He smiled at me." "The kid smiled at me." "Come here, boy." "Nice." " Do you know how to put these things on?" " Around the butt and up over the groin area." "Shoot, I know where they go, old-timer. I lust wanna know whether I need pins or fasteners." "Well, no." "They got tapettes already on there." "It's self-contained and fairly explanatoy." "Balloons." "Hey, these blow up into funny shapes at all?" "Well, no, unless round is funny." "I'll take these too." "All right, now..." "Now you lust lie down back there, old-timer." "Yes, sir." "All right, I want you to count up to... 825" " and then on back down to zero." " OK, then." "I'm gonna come back in five and check to see you ain't cheating'." " Hury up!" " He's a chee_ul little critter" " once he warms up to you." " l don't know how high this one can count." "Six Mississippi, seven Mississippi, eight Mississippi, nine Mississippi..." "Got some baby grub, baby wipes, got them diapers, them disposable kind." "I got me a packet of balloons." " They blow up into funny shapes at all?" " No, just circular." "Say... where's Junior?" " What do you mean?" "Didn't you put him in?" " No, I thought..." "Where'd we leave him?" "No!" "801 Mississippi, 800 Mississippi..." "Junior!" "l91..." "Bullshit!" "l90 Mississippi..." " l8l Mississippi..." " Baby!" "Baby!" "Baby!" "Baby!" "Promise we ain't ever gonna leave him, Gale." " Promise we ain't never gonna give him up." " We ain't gonna give him up again, Evelle." "He's our little Gale Junior now." "Ed... I realize I can't be much of a comfort to you now." "But let me lust say this:" " You'll feel a whole lot better..." " l don't wanna feel better." " Honey..." " l don't care about myself anymore." "I don't care about us anymore." " l lust want Nathan Junior back safe." " l know that." "If we don't get him back safe, I don't wanna go on livin'." "And even ifwe do get him back safe, I don't wanna go on livin' with you." "I guess I still love you, Hi." "I..." "I know I do." "I ain't even blaming' you." "The whole thing was crazy and the whole thing was my idea." " Well, factually, I myself bear a vey large..." " Let me finish." "Ever since those iailbirds took little Nathan, I been thinkin' and I ain't too proud of myself." "Even if Mrs Arizona had more than she could handle, I was a police o_icer, sworn to uphold the Constitution ofthe United States." " Now, honey, you resigned before we ever..." " That ain't the point, Hi." "We don't deserve Nathan Junior any more than those jailbirds do." " If I'm as selfish and irresponsible as you..." " You're not that bad." "If I'm as bad as you, what good are we to each other?" "You and me is lust a fool's paradise." " There she is." " Yup." "Well..." "let's do her." " What are we gonna do with Gale Junior?" " He stays here." "Are you crazy?" "Supposin' we go in there and get ourselves killed." "It'd be hours before he was discovered." "All right, you hayseeds, it's a stickup!" "Eveybody freeze!" "Eveybody down on the ground!" "Well, which is it, young feller?" "You want I should freeze or get down on the ground?" "I mean to say, if I freeze, I can't rightly drop and, if I drop, I'm gonna be in motion." "You see?" " Shut up!" " OK, then." " Eveybody down on the ground!" " You can forget that part about freezing'." " That is till they get down there." " Y'all hear that, don't ya?" "You wanna fill this up, partner?" "We gotta..." "Shit!" "Where did all the tellers go?" "We're down here, sir." "They're over there on the ground like you commanded, Gale." "I told you not to use my damn name." "Can't you even ty to keep from forgetting' that?" "Not even your code name?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "My code name." "Y'all hear that?" "We're usin' code names." "All right, eveybody." "We're about ready to begin the robbey proper." "Hury up, you dang hayseed!" "All right, now y'all know how this here works." "That hayseed over there with the red hat, he's the monitor." "OK, you betcha." "I want you to stay flat for ten full minutes." "We mightiust come back in five to check." "That's for us to know and for y'all to find out." "Anyone found bipedal in five wears his ass for a hat." "That old-timer threw o_ my concentration." "Othe_ise it would have gone smoother." "Shoot, Gale." "We done good." "This oughta split up real nice three ways." "Goddammit, you never leave a man behind!" " Where's the baby?" " Where's the baby?" "Dammit, H I, ain't we got enough to contend with?" "I don't know, ma'am. I thought we le_ him up on the roof. I think we le_ him at the bank." "Ms McDunnough, I'm worried sick about him!" " Hold on, H I." " l'm worried sick about him!" " Hi!" " H I!" " Hi!" " Ms McDunnough!" " Let us come with you!" " Please!" "He's our baby too!" " What is he?" " Do you see him too?" "Gimme that baby!" "I want that baby!" "Gimme that baby, you warthog from hell!" "Just lay down on the floor, young missy." " Run along now, honey." " But Hi..." "Just run along now." "I..." "I didn't... I'm sory." "What the hell's goin' on?" "Get away from there!" " Let's go." " Wait a minute. I ain't through with you." "What are you doin' creeping' around in the dark?" " You in with Smalls?" " Excuse me?" "Leonard Smalls." "Big feller." "Rides a Harley." "Dresses like a rock star." "No, sir." "That's who we saved him from." " It's a long stoy." " Suppose you tell it." "Well, sir, in a reward situation, they usually say "no questions asked."" " Do they?" " Yeah." "Well..." "All right, boy." "I guess you got a reward comin'." "$25,OOO." "Or, ifyou need home furnishings, I can give you a line of credit at any of my stores." "In fact, that's the way I'd rather handle it, for tax reasons." "We don't want no reward." "We didn't bring him back for money." "We could work it that way too." "Could I lust look at him a little bit more?" "Be my guest, little lady." "But..." "Would you mind tellin' me exactly how you..." "You took him, didn't you?" "It wasn't that biker at all." "I took him, sir." "My wife had nothin' to do with it." " l crept in yon window and..." " We both did it." "We didn't wanna hurt him any." "I just wanted to be a mama." "It wasn't for money or nothin'." "We lust figured you had more than you could handle baby-wise." "But I'm the one committed the actual crime, so ifyou need to call the authorities..." "Shut up." "Nobody's gonna call the authorities ifthere's no harm done." " Thank you, sir." " Aw, bullshit." "Just tell me why you did it." "We... can't have one of our own." "Well, look... lf you can't have kids, you just gotta keep tyin' and hope medical science catches up with you, like Florence and me." "It caught up with a vengeance." "But, hell, even if it never does for you, you still got each other." "Sir, those are kind words, but... I think the wife and I are splitting' up." "Her point is that we're both kinda selfish and unrealistic, so we ain't too good for each other." "Well, ma'am, I don't know much, but I do know human beings." "You brought back my boy, so you must have your good points too." "I sure hate to think of Florence leaving' me." "I do..." "Iove her so." "You can go out the way you came in." "And before you go o_ and do another foolish thing, like bustin' up, I suggest you sleep on it." "At least one night." "That níght I had a dream." "I dreamt I was as líght as the ether, a _oatín' spírít, yísítín' thíngs to come." "The shades and shadows _the people ín my Ime wrestled theír way ínto my slumber." "I dreamt that Gale and Evelle had decíded to return to príson." "Probably that'sjust as well." "I don't mean to sound superíor, and they're a swell coupla guys, but maybe they weren't ready yet to come out ínto the world." "And then I dreamed on, ínto the future, to a Chrístmas morníng ín the Arízona home, where Nathan Juníor was openín' a present from a kíndly couple who preferred to remaín unknown." "I saw Glen a few years later, stíll havín' no luck gettín' the cops to lísten to hís wíld tales about me and Ed." "Maybe he threw ín one Polackjoke too many." "I don't know." "But stíll I dreamed on, further ínto the future than I'd eyer dreamed before." "Watchín' Nathan Juníor's progress from afar, takín' príde ín hís accomplíshments, as m he were our own," "wonderín' m he eyer thought of us, and hopín' that maybe we'd broadened hís horízons a líttle, even -m he couldn't remember just how they got broadened." "But stíll I hadn't dreamt nothín' about me and Ed, untíl the end." "And thís was cloudíer, because ít was years, years away." "But I saw an old couple beín' yísíted by theír chíldren and all theír grandchíldren too." "The old couple weren't screwed up, and neíther were theír kíds or theír grandkíds." "Dad..." "And I don't know." "You tell me." "Thís whole dream." "Was ít wíshful thínkín'?" "Was Ijustfleeín' realíty, líke I know I'm líable to do?" "But me and Ed, we can be good too." "And ít seemed real." "It seemed líke us." "And ít seemed líke, well... our home." "H not Arízona, then a land not too far away, where all parents are strong and wíse and capable" "and all the chíldren are happy and beloyed." "I don't know." "Maybe ít was Utah." "Visiontext Subtitles:" "David Van-Cauter"