"Swish !" "Another with scholarship." "I just hope I can do that tomorrow during tryouts;" "Don't worry you're a Chase." "It's in your blood." "Unfortunately so is high cholesterol." "Is your left arm tingling ?" "Hey, Parker." "Hey, Haley." "What are you doing here ?" "Your sister and I have been practicing smiles for cheerleading tryouts." "Do you like this one ?" "Or this one ?" "They're both really good." "Well, hey, I'll see you down at the gym tomorrow I'm trying out for Varsity." " You are ?" " Yeah." " That is so cool !" " Yeah, I'm trying out, too." "That's great." "Who are you ?" "I'm Parker's bro Patton." "P-a-t-t-o-N." "You'll need to be spelling that real loud, real soon." " See you later, Parker." " See you." " Pattern." "All right, show me your fadeaway jump shot." " All right." " What about me, dad ?" "You ?" "You need to warm up." "Why don't you run around the block 25 times." " How is that gonna help ?" " Uh, right, better make it 30." "Bob, can I talk to you in the kitchen, please ?" "Sure." "Bob, what are you doing ?" "How can you ignore Patton like that ?" "It's not easy ; he's pretty in-your-face for a guy who only comes up to your knee." "If Patton wants to try out, you should encourage him." "You know we don't play favorites." "Carol, that was fine when they were kids but they're teenagers now." "Time to place our bets." "They're children, not horses." "Look, I'm sorry, but Parker might get a scholarship." "Do you know how much it costs to send five kids to college ?" " Yeah, $400,000." " That much ?" "!" "Hey, Pearce, your brothers are trying out for basketball." "You want to get in on it ?" "High school sports, huh ?" "No way." "That's silly and juvenile." "I'm gonna be the team mascot, Cougie the cougar." "I love Cougie the cougar." "He's so cute." " Too cute." "From this point on, I'm going to live, breathe and think like a cougar." "See, that was the problem with my predecessor." "He got into the cougar suit he never got into the cougar." "Yeah, he also got into Yale, and somehow I don't see this ending that way." " So, what do you think ?" " Oh, my old uniform !" "You look so great in it." "Bob, remember me in this thing ?" "Yes." "Often." "Thank you so much for putting my daughter in it." "Paige, I'm so excited you're gonna be a cheerleader just like me." "Well, I still have to try out." "And high school is such a popularity contest." "So I'm feeling really confident." "Hey, Penny, you gonna to try out for cheerleading, too ?" "Please !" "I wouldn't be caught dead around cheerleaders." "If I wanted to watch a bimbo jump up and down for two hours," "I'd put Paige's hairbrush on top of the fridge." " Good night, mom." "Good night, dad." " Pearce, it's 4:30." "Well, cougars are nocturnal." "I'm just trying to get on their time." "I mean, our time." "I think I'm gonna take a bath before bed." " At least he's not into drugs." " How would we know ?" " How'd tryouts go ?" "You made the team !" " First string !" "Oh, go cougars !" "Yeah !" "Ha-ha !" " How'd Patton do ?" " Not so good." "The coach thought it was a practical joke for his birthday." "Paige ?" "Are you all right ?" " I didn't make the cheerleading squad." " Damn it !" "Sorry." "What happened, honey ?" "They said I wasn't good." "They said I stunk." "Well, did you ?" "Yes, but I didn't think it would matter." "I mean, I looked great today." "Like this, only happy." "I'm so embarrassed." "Oh, Paige, sweetie, there's nothing to be embarrassed about." "You were competing against a lot of very talented girls." "Say hello to North Nutley's newest cheerleader." "My name is Patton !" "I'm here to cheer !" "All right, cougars !" "Let's kick some rear !" "Whoo !" "Go cougars !" "Well, I think we've finally found something to put an end to all the short jokes." "Oh, Patton, I am so proud of you." "You're gonna follow in my cheerleading footsteps." "Now, wait, Carol, before you start dressing him in your old uniform, uh," "I thought it was an all-female squad." "Not anymore after I didn't make the basketball team," "I was checking out the cheerleaders, and decided to show off, and the cheer captain saw me do one of these." "And the rest is pompom history." "Isn't there a permission slip that I can refuse to sign ?" "Patton, you're gonna be a cheerleader ?" "Man, how do you think this is gonna look ?" "Huh, like I'm surrounded by nine of the hottest girls in school." "Including Haley, who up until this point, had no idea that... my name is Patton !" "I'm here to cheer !" "Worst way to die." "Pushed slowly through wire mesh by an angry elephant." "That is so twisted." "My life is over !" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I didn't make cheerleading squad." "It's so not fair." "What kind of world is it where people are rewarded for being good at things ?" " Just ?" " Yeah, just for being good at things." "You know what ?" "Maybe I should run." "No !" "Don't run she should run." "Run, Paige, run !" "No, I should go anyway." "My mom thinks I'm in the shower." " Do you realize what you just did ?" " Yes, I blew tryouts." "I need a hug." "And I need a screen door and an elephant." "Got a crowded house, but I've got mine "cougars" on three." "One, two, three..." "Cougars !" "All right, man." "Go, cougars!" "Go, go!" "Go, cougars!" "Go, go!" "One, two !" "Let's go, cougars !" "Hey, Haley." "Looking good out there." " You, too, Parker." " Thanks." "Yeah, I'm kinda winded, you know." "They put me up against the big guy..." "Hey, Haley." "We're doing shoulder-mounts." " You and me are paired up." " Oh, great." "Ho, ho, ho." "Patton... do you really think you have a shot with Haley ?" "Come on !" "She is a hot girl." "She only dates jocks." "That's why I can finally make my move, man ;" "I'm on varsity." "Parker, that's one approach, okay ?" "But I've got my own." "It's a four-phase plan." "Phase one:" "Teammates." "Phase two:" "Friends." "Phase three:" "Lovers." "Phase four:" "I tell everybody." " Patton, I need you." " Phase one." "I need my bases in the front, flyers in the back." "Bases, get into your lunges." "Flyers, get into position." "Okay." "And mount." "Girls, remember to stabilize by squeezing your thighs." "Okay, bases, stand." " Something wrong ?" " Uh, no." " Okay, then, stand up." " I, uh, can't." "I'm, uh..a little stiff." " Uh, leave my clipboard." " No !" "Carol..." "I was online looking for support groups of parents of boy cheerleaders, and you know what I found ?" "That you should be ashamed of yourself ?" "No." "That there are schools that actually give scholarships for cheerleading." "How wonderfully sick is that ?" "Our little circus monkey is going to tumble his way right into college." "Will you stop it with the money ?" "This isn't all about what you want." "It's about Patton finding something that he loves." "Hi, honey." "How was cheerleading practice ?" " I'm quitting." " What ?" "How could you break your mother's heart like that ?" "!" "Okay, Carol, now just calm down." "We're just going in there to find out what happened." "Okay, just don't make me the bad cop." "I'm always the bad cop." "Okay !" "Patton ?" "What's wrong, honey ?" "Did something happen at practice ?" " I don't want to talk about it." " Oh, well, you're going to." "Now we can do this the easy way or the hard way." "Bob ?" "Patton, sweetheart, why don't you tell mom what's wrong ?" "All right, I'll talk." " But just with dad." " What ?" "!" "Since when is the good cop asked to leave ?" "This is bull !" "Okay, Patton, uh, so what's wrong ?" "Dad, this is kind of embarrassing to talk about." "Patton, I'm your father." "You can tell me anything." "All right." "During cheerleading practice, Haley straddled me, and I pointed north." "Jeez, you could've eased me into it a little bit." "And this time I got away with it, but it's gonna happen again, dad." "Patton, not to minimize your problem, but let's face it, you're a little guy." "You know, maybe nobody's going to notice" "I don't think so." "Dad, you know those growth hormones you had me on since I was four ?" "Yeah." "Well, they worked, just..." "not in the way we expected." "Well, it is every father's dream that his son does better than him." "Look... you're not the first teenage boy to get aroused when he didn't want to, you know ?" "Try thinking about something else when you feel the magic beans starting to sprout." "You don't think I tried that ?" "I thought about baseball, geometry..." "how a bill becomes a law." " Well, there is another way." " What ?" "Before practice, you could..." "I can't say it." " Then act it out." " All right, I'll say it." "Before each practice, you could do something to take the edge off." "Dad, what are you trying to say ?" "I would go down to horny town and fire the mayor." "Oh, god !" "There is nothing to be ashamed of." "I gotta go." "Okay, who's next ?" "Kathy Huber, class president." "Where's she going to be in ten years ?" "Cocktail waitress in hoboken saving her tips for an ass lift." "Hey, guys." "Whatcha doing ?" "Making fun of your friends." "Okay, Randy Pelton, homecoming king." "Where will he be in ten years ?" "My guess is, he'll be Brandy Pelton." "Also a cocktail waitress in hoboken, but saving tips for a very different operation." "Wow, that's really mean." "Can I play ?" " You, be mean ?" " I can be mean." "Now that I'm a rejected cheerleader, I'm super bitter." "Please, can I just do one ?" "Fine." "Where will Jill Fowler be in ten years ?" "She'll be married to a billionaire no, a millionaire and she'll have two houses, but only one car." "A volvo !" "Ha !" "Take that, Jill Fowler." "You know what ?" "Maybe you just need to practice." "By yourself." "In a different room." "Take my yearbook." "Go through each and every person." "And think of something mean to say, and then do it again." "All right, thanks !" "Hey, how come no one signed this ?" " Hey, dad." " So...cheerleading practice, did you..?" " Yes." " And did it... ?" " Yes." " Can we never talk about it again ?" " Yes." "Hey, Parker." "So, did I get any calls from I don't know maybe..." "Haley ?" "Oh, give it up, Patton." "You know,you don't mean anything to her." "You're just her little cheerleading puppet." "She's probably just laughing at you." "Well, if she is, there's no way I'd hear it... with her thighs pressed up against my ears." "Patton, bottom line" "Haley's gonna see me score on the court, and then I'm gonna score with her, okay?" "Sorry, I'm just trying to prepare you." "Oh, I'm prepared." "Prepared to enter phase two:" "Friendship." "Which is only one phase away from lover." "Which is only one phase away from in yo' face !" " Hey, Haley." " Hi, Parker." " Are you here to see, uh, Paige ?" " Actually, no." " Yeah, I didn't think so." " I'm here to see Patton." "Hey, Haley." "I know you're probably tired and everything, but I'm really nervous about the pyramid we're doing for the opening game." "I was hoping... maybe you could practice climbing me ?" " Sure, anything for a friend." " Thank you !" "Man !" "Parker is having a great game." "12 points already." "I know, and I'm so excited for the halftime show." "Oh, can you believe Patton is going to be the top of the pyramid ?" "That's gotta translate into some scholarship dollars." "The top." "That means he is the best cheerleader of them all." "You know, everyone thinks that, but that is not actually true." "I mean, the top is just the lightest, but the base, the base is the foundation for the entire pyramid." " And you were... ?" " A base, Bob !" "I was a base." "Jeez !" "You know, I don't think that Pearce's mascot routine is going over so well." "All right, next... that guy." "Dead-end job, too many kids, stuck in a life that is a living hell." "That's my dad." "You have the prettiest sneer." "Hey, guys !" "I did everything you told me, and I'm ready to play." " Play what ?" " The ten years from now game." "I went through the whole yearbook three times." "I'm really mean now." " Oh !" "Right." " Okay, you ready ?" "Here, watch this." "Jenny Winokur." "Ten years from now... her close relationship with her brother goes terribly wrong when they get drunk and finally sleep together." "But he refuses to divorce his wife and leaves Jenny pregnant and alone." " Holy crap." " Hey, you're pretty good at this." "Let me try another one." "I know, you !" "Ten years from now... your superior attitude has driven everyone away." "You sit alone in your basement apartment clipping coupons for liquor and cat food" "And the cat food's for you." "And in ten years, you're dead." "It was your third try." " You are so mean !" " You know, words can hurt." "Okay, everybody, limber up for the pyramid." "Coach, I really need to go to the bathroom." "Patton, the half-time show starts in two minutes." "Can't you wait until after ?" "Uh, no, I really need to do it now." "Uh, sorry, kid." "It's flooded." "You go in there, you'll be knee-deep in water." "Maybe waist-deep." "But I really gotta get in there, okay ?" "Go in the drinking fountain." "That's what I always do." "Yo, guys !" "Hey, coach wants to see us in his office to go over some plays." " Let's go, man." " Oh, I'll be right there." "Where've you been ?" "The half-time show's about to start." "I'm about to climb nine hot cheerleaders and the mayor of horny town is still in office." "Think about how a bill becomes a law." "Salute to ancient Egypt." "In ancient Egypt lived a powerful pharaoh." "But one day, he took sick and died." "So, his beloved wives decided to build him the most magnificent tomb ever constructed, the mighty pyramid" "How a bill becomes a law." "New legislation is drafted by a member of congress and sent to the committee for debate." "Once approved, it's voted by congress and the senate." "Finally, it's up to the president to veto it or sign it into law." "The pyramid was constructed, the greatest structure ever erected." " Please ?" " No." " Please ?" " No." " Maybe we should at least consider it." " We are not moving !" "150 lockers in there." "Why did you have to pick mine ?" "I don't know." "I just felt like doing that in a stranger's locker would be creepy." "Dude, because of the image that you put in my head," "I had the worst second half in North Nutley history." " Haley thinks I'm a loser." " You ?" "How about me ?" "After what happened tonight, no girl's ever gonna talk to me again." "I'm finished." "Hello." "Yeah, this is Patton." "Yes, that was me on top of the pyramid." "Really ?" "You likey ?" "Synchro :" "Van'"