"♪ Yo, you might hear me make a racket like Wilson." "♪ 'Cause I love summer no Rachel Bilson." "♪ The winter will come we just have parties inside it's still fun." "♪ Pump this." "♪ Chase your boyfriend (let's 'av him)" "♪ We're roudy girls make our judgment cloudy" "♪ but when the sun comes out we're still alcys." "♪ We don't wanna be lousy or shameless" "♪ but we're running round like we're brainless" "♪ now I've got grass stains on my brand new white trainers." "You're disturbing the neighbours." "I was quite enjoying it though." "I'm a good rapper aren't I?" " No." "SONG CONTINUES" "New York, Washington, then through the Blue Ridge Mountains to North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia... then Miami!" "1,000 miles of highway, 8 skanky motels." "They're not that skanky." " Boom!" "Bring it on!" "Any more for any more?" " Cheers mate." "I better not." "I've got to be in work early to leave early." "Alright." "Lise, does it move around?" "Oh I don't know." " Well check it then, go on." " What, now?" " Yes now." "Now!" "Everyone's looking..." " No they're not." "Oh my god can you not watch!" "Turn around." "I'm turning around." "Sort him out!" " Right, come on, serious..." "Going back in..." "Think it does." "I don't know." "Let me have a go." "Alright, join in." "Three hands in one bra." "Can you feel it?" "Sorry, do you want us to just leave you to it?" "No I tell you what mate." "Right, stand up." "And I'll have a rummage around your nut sack." "Shut up." "Sara, I need to leave early for a hospital appointment." "So long as you're not pregnant." "We cannot spare you." "Don't take me to a tribunal for that." "Go when you need to." "Ask Jack to put out a couple more options for the cover." "There's a nun over there and she's reading Grazia." "Every time." "If you just position yourself there." "And remove your gown." "And place your left breast there..." "I'm just going to lower the machine..." " Like that?" " Yeah." "Just stay there, I'm going to take your picture now." " You comfortable?" " Yeah." "What was it like?" " Like shutting your tit in the fridge door." "Okay." "Lisa the shadow on the film, just there... that's the lump that you can feel." "Ok?" "Now, I'm afraid it isn't a cyst." "The signs are consistent with breast cancer." "So this is what's going to happen." "Today we'll take a biopsy and that will tell us much more about exactly what it is that we're dealing with whether it's invasive or non-invasive." "Yeah?" "And depending on the results of that biopsy you may or may not need a course of chemotherapy and radiotherapy." "Alright?" "But in either case, because the lump is so large..." "Yeah, as you can see it's really quite big..." "I'm afraid there's no possibility of us saving the breast." "So we will need to start by operating, to remove the breast." "Ok, look, I'm going to leave you two guys alone for a little bit." "Okay, just a couple of minutes so you can gather your thoughts and if you have any questions you can ask me when I come back." "Ok?" "I won't be long." "The holiday." "I'll deal with that." "My parents." "I'll give them a call." "So now this is the biopsy gun." "I want you to keep your right arm underneath your back, yeah?" "So nothing to be frightened of but I just want you to try and keep as still as possible." " OK." " Here we go." "Relax, relax." "BIOPSY GUN CLICKS" " Ok?" " Yeah, yeah." "Good, all done." "All finished." "Well done, darling." "Hello mate." "It's er, it's Pete..." "Listen, I need to take some time off work." "R... right away." "Well it's... it's my wife." "She's been diagnosed with breast cancer." "DOORBELL RINGS" "Come on, come on." "I'm alright." "I'm alright, you doof." "I'm ok, dad." " Don't fuss, mum." " I know." "Alright arse face, come on, get in." "Kylie Minogue." "Olivia Newton-John." "Oh, and that other one." "Oh god you know the one." "Who, who erm..." "She used to be in..." "But turns out that she's " "Cynthia Nixon, mum." " Cynthia Nixon..." "She's fine now." "She's on Broadway now." "Unfortunately the biopsy confirmed that the cancer is invasive." "The tumour is around five centimetres in length which means that we're looking at a stage 2 or a stage 3 cancer depending on whether or not there's been a spread in to the lymph nodes." "How many stages are there?" "Four" " Oh God." "So, er, what do we do?" "Don't Google." "Ok?" "There's a lot of rubbish about and it's only going to frighten you." "Now, we'll do the operation first." "What I do is what we call a skin sparing mastectomy which means that I remove the nipple, yeah?" "Take out the breast tissue, but the skin itself will be saved." "And then we'll borrow some muscle and skin from your back to help with the reconstruction." "Jamie." "My brother." "My brother's getting married in five months." "I won't be able to go." "How?" "I mean how can this possibly be!" "?" "I mean, I'm 52, I'm screened because I'm supposed to be at risk and you're 28 and they're telling me you've got breast cancer?" "How can it be a cyst one minute and a huge invasive tumour the next?" "Please." "I just think it's appalling that nobody picked this up!" "I've never heard of this, have you, Ian?" "Never!" "No, never." "A girl your age getting breast cancer." " Stop it now, please." "I cannot do this." "I cannot handle seeing you like this." "You carry on like this, carry on as you are and I will deal with all of this on my own." "Or you can just pack it in now and do it with me." "I'm sorry." "On my list of "Things to Do Before I'm thirty"" "I hadn't factored in beating breast cancer." "But them's the breaks." "I can't be the only 20 something in the world who's had a breast cancer diagnosis." "But I am probably the one with the biggest gob." "So, I'm going to write my way through... the Bullshit" "and come out standing tall in a pair of Louboutins on the other side." "What blog?" " Your wife has started a blog." " What about?" " The Bullshit." "That's where it's all going." "Everything I feel." "Everything I want to say." "I'm going to send the link round all my friends which means the rest of the time we can talk about other things." "Wait, wait, wait, hang on." "This can't just be for your friends." "Have you Googled the word 'cancer'?" " Er, no, the doctor told us not to." "Well, Google the word 'cancer' and a thousand pages will come up telling you it's a gift." " A what?" " A gift." "Merry Christmas." "Happy Birthday." "You've got cancer." "A gift." "So I cross-referenced." "Is lupus a gift?" "Is Multiple Sclerosis a gift?" "Is a vaginal prolapse a gift!" "?" "It certainly is not a gift." " Right!" "Oh my god." "Please, counteract some of the utter crap that is out there and make your blog public." "Having an array of wigs lets you try on different identities in the bedroom." "You didn't just say that, dad!" " That's what we read, didn't we, Jane?" "Well, before the doctor told us not to." "Somebody actually had said that." "As if the first thing that happens when you get..." " The er..." " Bullshit." "The Bullshit, is that you turn into Ann bloody Summers." "Give over." " Dad!" "Sir, thank you very much, come on let's have an order." "Right who's up for the risotto balls?" "LISA:" "Being diagnosed with cancer is like being told you've got twenty minutes to revise for an A-level in a language you've never learned." "And if that weren't enough, consider the course materials packed with pink girliness, cutesy prettiness and woeful attempts at just-us-girls hen night-style fun." "Why is there so much Bullshit about the Bullshit?" "Where are the people telling it like it really is?" "KNOCK AT DOOR" "Arse face." "You alright, shit head?" "What do you think?" "I'm calling it "Alright Tit"." "Yeah." "So come on, how are the wedding plans?" " It's ages away yet, in't it?" "I'm sorry about the timing." "I don't want it to interfere, mate." "Well." "You do have form." "What form?" "My 8th birthday, she falls off her bike." "Upstaged." "No-one interested in my Moonwalk." "Only interested in signing your cast." "Because your moonwalk was shite!" " No it wasn't." "It was really, really, really shite." "Glandular fever!" " That was during my A-levels!" ""Jamie, can you leave your Geography coursework and come down and set the table, Lisa's got to rest in front of Home and Away"." "I'm going to be bald at the wedding." "That's alright." "And in all the photos." "That'll be nice." "Bald, bloated and one titted." "Ok." "But I'll still be there." "Course you'll be there." "I'll not be going down any aisle without you." "You won't be going down any aisle at all, muppet." "You stand at the end." "Leanne's the one walks down." "Doofer!" "Right." "Shit." "Doofer." "Ooh shitting hell!" "I love you." " I love you too." "Arse face." "Alright tit!" "Not bad." "Not bad?" "It's genius is what it " "LISA:" "Getting everyone behind my tackling of The Bullshit wasn't going to be easy." "Driving home from the restaurant we made further lists of who to tell and how." "Like a petulant child I stared out the window seeking out other girls my age." "Why wasn't it you?" "I thought." "As we passed a happy looking twenty something arm in arm with her equally nauseating happy looking boyfriend." "Why haven't you got this?" "I made a mental list of things I could have done to tip my karma in the wrong direction but drew blanks at teenage hair pulling, exaggerating my CV and stealing a carpet from an Indian restaurant during Fresher's week." "But even if I'd nicked every CD in my collection or cheated on every boyfriend I'd ever had would that mean that I deserve to get cancer?" "I find myself actually looking forward to surgery next week." "For Jamie's wedding." "I just need a pair of Louboutins and then I'm set." "Babe." "Listen, you know you don't have to, er... you don't have to man up just because I was crying like a baby." "I'm not 'manning up'." "It's the end of my twenties, it's the start of our marriage and I'm not going to let this change me or take over our lives for any longer than necessary." "It's not getting any more than my hair - and my tit." "It's just " " Look, I can't control this situation except for how I handle it and this is how I'm handling it." "Ok?" "Anne Widdecombe rang." "Couldn't find her pyjamas." "I, er..." "Mum bought me these for going into hospital." "Better." "LISA:" "I want this thing out of me." "Cut me open, take my nipple take the lot, scar me right up." "Just get." "It." "Out." "Ready?" "Okay." "I'll be fine." "Ok, see you soon." "Just like a couple of gin and tonics." "It takes more than a couple of gin and tonics to do anything to me." "It's all out." "It took longer than expected but, the operation went really well and it's all out." "How is she?" "On morphine and, er, whizzed off her tits." "Well, tit." "Go on." "You go in first." "Hey, shit head." "Hi, arse face." "How you feeling?" "Amazing." " Can you do me a fa..." " Yeah." " Can you do me a favour?" " Yeah." "Can you just check under here for me." "Lis what..." " Can you just check under the covers?" "Of course." "Arghh." "You bastard." "Oh dear." "Stop making me laugh." "LISA:" "Lovely as it was to be so inundated with well-wishers it was my first taste of feeling like a museum exhibit;" "A freak-show to be viewed in single-file." ""Roll up, roll up, see the one-breasted woman!"" "But rather than play the part of the ill person or feel self-conscious about my new, wonky-chest" "I gave the people what they wanted." "Like cracking as many cancer jokes as I could whizzed off my tit became a personal favourite" "along with "ding dong the lump is dead"." " So it did spread." " It did." "To 24 out of 25 lymph nodes." "I bet that 25th was a cocky little bastard." "It's all out now." "Well done you." " Well done you." "I have to say I am so impressed with the way you're handling all of this." "We all are." "Oh Christ." "Well." "Crikey I don't know about that." "Thank you." ""I bet you say that to all your patients"." "That's what I should've said." "Oh no." "It's too late, babe." " I know." "Cringe." "Too late" "I think he's gonna go with your first answer." "I was overwhelmed." " What was that?" "Shush, I'm ill." "Now, remember, there won't be a nipple but that'll be rebuilt after your chemotherapy and your radiotherapy when we finish off your reconstruction." "Ooh!" " Ok, I'm trying to be as gentle..." "There we go, darling, that's it." "No I can't." "I can't look." "Mum!" "Mum!" "Can you?" " What?" " My God." "What?" "What is it?" "That is amazing." "Thank you." " You're very welcome." "Ladies!" "Do I get a look?" "Yeah." " Come on." " Sure?" "Well, say something." "I had been gearing up for some kind of horrible purple X-shaped gash with bruising all around it and stitches poking out." "So I'm a bit disappointed." "It looks great." "Now you've got an implant in there which will need to be pumped up slowly with the saline." "Ok?" "It'll be gradually inflated over the next few weeks." "So I'll have two roughly equally sized knockers for Jamie's wedding." "That is what we're aiming for, yes." " Happy now?" " Yes." "Thank you." "Good..." "Ok." "Now, we've managed to have a closer look at the nature of the tumour." "Ok?" "It's more hormone receptive than we thought." " Ok." " It's also more aggressive." "Which means that we need to move fast on the chemo, alright?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "And the thing is, Lisa, and Pete" "Chemo can stop your ovaries working for a while, yeah?" "So normally with somebody of your age we'd refer you to a fertility specialist to discuss the possibility of freezing embryos." "Yeah." "But in your case, it's not something that I would advise." "Ok?" "Because a course of IVF relies on pumping you full of oestrogen and that might accelerate the cancer." "So I can't." "I can't..." "I'm afraid it might be too dangerous for you to try." "LISA:" "So, so I guess we'll never get to meet Maisie Jean and Cameron Thomas Arthur." "Shame, we spent ages thinking those up." "Turns out oestrogen is my Kryptonite." "The no kids clause." "We didn't see that one coming." "But dwelling any further on it right now would be a bit like crying over conceding a penalty when you're already ten nil down." "Oh babe!" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Will you stop saying sorry!" "Plenty of us won't have kids of our own." "Not even plenty - probably half." "Half of us won't." "We'll end up leaving it too late to get off the starting blocks." "D'you ever think that if we'd stayed up in Derby we'd be onto our third?" "Yeah but why waste your twenties doing that when you could be tottering round London in your high heels getting shit-faced?" "All that matters is that you're here." "It's just Pete..." "I always thought he was a bit of a cocky twat but you seemed to like him." "The only kind of life he's particular about is the one with you." "LISA:" "I've spent as long as I can remember wishing I looked different." "As a kid, I loathed my super-curly, strawberry-blonde - okay, ginger - hair." "I was hardly blessed with a good set of gnashers either." "Thing is, since Diagnosis Bullshit" "I have felt more confident about my looks than I can ever remember feeling before." "Maybe it was just my last hurrah before chemo did its worst but it made me wish I had the chance to go back to my thirteen year old self give her a good shake and tell her not to be so bloody self conscious." "I'm Lisa Lynch." "I'm here to start chemo." "Security to reception." "We have an impostor." "It's not a day spa." "But it's not gonna be as bad as you're expecting." "Is everyone...?" "Monday's breast." "Tuesday's testicular." "And Thursday's ovarian." "If you just want to pop yourself down there, Lisa." "You're having six rounds." "Is that a lot?" "No, it's normal." "And you're young and you can take it." "You know chemo really does zap the bugger." "Trouble with it is it zaps everything else as well." "LISA:" "How do so many people do this?" "Just how have so many people managed it and seen the other side?" "LISA VOMITS" "LISA:" "On the hottest day of the year I should be sitting outside a pub talking to my man and my mates about who's going to win X-Factor or what Derby County's chances are for next season." "Instead I'm craving a cold dark room and a few hours decent sleep." "Going through chemo has got to be the pinnacle of human endurance." "To say nothing of the toll it takes on your arse." "Pete." "Can you come here please, quick?" "I want to show you something." "It's amazing." "You've had all day to move your bowels and now it's match-point." "Er, are we not flushing now?" "There's nothing to flush, can you hold this for me?" "There's nothing to flush." "You've been in there five hours." "Somebody's written to me." "Come here quick." "Someone's replied to my blog." "Look." ""Dear Lisa." "I like your blog -"" "it's funny and no shit." ""It's true - the steroids make your ass harder to crack than the Da Vinci code."" "Funny. "I'm 25, I live in Brighton, though originally from Toronto."" "I'm a jazz pianist - and I have secondary breast cancer." "You want to know the single best gift you can buy for a cancer patient?" ""A giant sized tub of Sudocrem."" "Sudocrem?" "Sudocrem is a thick white barrier cream used for nappy rash." "Nice." "It lubricates the skin and prevents chafing." "Do, do you want me to go and get you some " "Oh no, hold that for me, sorry oh..." "You ok?" " Pete!" " Yes." "Can you go to the kitchen quickly please?" "Yes, what do you want?" " Can you get me the Olive oil?" " Olive oil?" " Yes, just get it." " Olive oil?" " Yes just..." "Alright, sorry." "Hurry up darling!" "Please!" "Babe." "Extra Virgin Olive oil." " Go away now Pete." " I'm going." "CHEERS FROM TV" " What shall I say?" " Huh?" "To the girl who wrote to me." "I really want to write back." " Er, Dear..." " Anya." "At 9.29pm I filled the pan to the delight of the Wimbledon crowd." "Pete." " Ok." "Dear Anya." " Yeah." "Thank you for your message." "It lightened the load." "Oh I give up, it doesn't matter." " No, no." "Come here, come here." "Dear Anya." "Thank you for your message." "My husband says it's the first time he's seen me smile all week." "Look I, I don't have to go, you know?" " Yes you do." "It's been weeks and you've been amazing." "Go." "You know, I can be back here in twenty five minutes " " Go." " Under twenty five minutes." "Go!" "Someone's got to keep me in handbags and iTunes while I'm sat here on my arse." "Alright." "See you later." "Ok, piss off, go on." "Go." "Shoo!" "LISA:" "Well, it's all go around these parts." "I'm on a break between chemos and Pete's gone back to work." "So today, I plan to make a sandwich and put on some mascara." "These, ladies and gentlemen, are big moves in my world." "My Dad loves reading your comments on the blog and rings me every time somebody writes." "I might try to act cool with him but the truth is his excitement when a new comment appears is nothing on mine." "Today I failed to eat the sandwich and was not arsed with mascara but I loved reading everything you wrote." " Lis." " Hey sexy bum!" "Two secs..." "LISA:" "So, whatever it is you've said or if you're just reading and not saying anything at all- thank you." "You've made an under-employed woman with swollen joints and one missing nipple very happy." "Do you want it crispy or normal?" "We knew this was going to happen." " Thank you, that's very helpful." "Look, your hair, it's going to come out." "No." "It's going to come out and then it's going to grow back again " "No, it might not!" "Not if I don't do anything to dislodge it!" "LISA:" "My first reaction to Diagnosis Bullshit wasn't:" ""Shit I'm going to die of cancer", it was, "Bollocks, my hair!"" "Turns out the pubes go first but losing hair you don't want doesn't make you any more prepared to lose hair you do." "You get that it happens but you kind of don't really believe it's going to happen to you." "And it isn't just happening to you." "It might have been my hair getting flushed down the bog but that didn't mean that Cancer's uninvited consequences were only having an impact on me." "What?" "You're being weird." " No I'm not." " Just tell me." "When was the last time you had a, er..." "What?" "What?" "A shower." "Dunno it was a couple of weeks ago Right." "I've been having baths." " I know." "It's in my hair." "Do you think I should wash it?" "Maybe." "You might, it might make you feel a little bit better." " Does it smell?" " No." "Shit." "I am so sorry." "It's alright, I couldn't get it all out." "It's in the drain, drain." "Baby, don't worry about that, I'll get that, it's fine..." "I'm so sorry." "LISA:" "In chemo 3 on Monday" "Mary, my favourite cancer nurse, said I looked 'very glam'." "She should see me now..." "I look like a smack-head..." "Oh God, if only you'd thought to complete your look with a skateboard." "Ha ha!" "You should be a stand up comedian." "592, here we go." "KNOCKS ON DOOR" "Come in." "Hello." "Er, I need a wig." "I've got a voucher." "£65!" "Well, would you like to have a little browse around or if you'd like me to I could recommend something that might suit you." "This is Annabel." "Very popular." "And this is Heather, isn't she pretty?" "Um, she's lovely, yeah." "Maybe you'd like to have a bash with Jacqueline." "Unless you think maybe she's a bit too severe." "Sorry." "Sorry about my friend, it's not you." "The baldness." "The Annabel." " You're a nightmare!" "You blatantly laughed in his face." "I know I'm sorry, I'm a terrible friend..." " Hello." " You look cheerful." "Do I?" "How was work?" " Er, dull, as usual." " How did it go?" " Great." "Well, let's see it then." "I didn't get one." "Why not?" "Because the 65 quid NHS wig budget gets you a number in acrylic that might just about do for a dressing up box." "PHONE BUZZES" "It's your Dad." "Hello darling." "How many are you up to now?" " How many what?" " Comments." "I checked before I left work, you had six." " Still six, dad." "Lise, who's Planktonite?" " I don't know, Mum." "Well, I thought that might be a friend of LeWalter's." "Jane." "She doesn't know them personally." "Just through Twitter, you know, because of the blog." "Oh." "Yeah but how do they know her?" " The blog!" " Oh." "Yeah." "Of course." "Here, you know, you know, who's this Anonymous who's always putting his two penneth in?" "Oh, I don't know, Dad." "He's 'anonymous'." "Even I knew that." "You nob!" "Gotta go." "We'll see you in a few hours." "I'm taking your daughter out." "DOORBELL BUZZES" " Hello?" " It's Peter Lynch." "Hello." "How can I help you?" "I'd like a pot of cottage cheese and a large jar of olives." "Is it alright if we just have a look around?" "Of course." "All of our wigs are made with human hair for a more natural look." "Til you put them on your head." "Suzanne." " Bloody hell!" "How much?" "Endeavour!" "Excalibur." " Is there one called Extortionate?" "LISA:" "I've spent 28 years wasting my money on stuff." "But that was my choice." "Having to splash the cash out of cancer dictated necessity was just plain unfair!" "Louboutins." "Size 5." "Pigalle Patent." "That's what I want." "That's what I saved up for." "Only now I've got to spunk the money on something that makes me look like a member of Spinal Tap." "But I don't have a choice." "I'm not being a sideshow." "I want Jamie to have the best wedding ever and I'm not rocking up looking like Uncle Fester and ruining it all." "Lise?" "Where's my girl?" " Hey, hey, hey." "Hmm." "Well, don't feed them after midnight." "We can't afford to feed them." "We've got no money left." "Right, I am transferring that money straight into your account." "Mum." " Put it on then." " No." "What, you have spent all that money to display a syrup on a stand?" "You daft bugger." "Come on, let's see it on " " No, you'll see it at Jamie's wedding." "You are a stubborn so-and-so, do you know that?" "That has been said, yes." "I wouldn't want you any other way." "Come on." "Night, Erika." "Goodnight, Colette." "Oi!" "Don't fight." "You've nearly broken the back of this chemo thing, ey?" "Dad." "Did you get a fright when you saw me?" "What are you talking about?" "Well, I haven't seen you for a couple of weeks and, well I just" " I look different " "Don't be daft." "Course I didn't get a fright." "You're you." "I just saw you." "Pete." "Pete." "Baby?" " Pete!" " Lise?" "Baby, what's the matter, what's wrong?" " I can't..." " What's wrong?" " I can't get out." "Oh darling, come here." "Come here, babe, come here." "Come here, come here..." "Just stand up for a sec, I don't want you to get cold." "Are you ok?" "Don't drop your head back." "Thank you." "Massive one?" " What make... what makes you say that?" "You look knackered, mate." "Lisa's not really up for going out at the moment, so." "Sorry." "Sorry." "I've been, er, having a look at the blog." "You know, rather than ask you all the time 'cause that gets a bit, you know." "She's a brilliant writer." "It's good that she's got an outlet." "What are you doing to let off steam?" "I boil the kettle." "What you on about?" "No, that's what I do." "I boil the kettle." "I put the kettle on about twenty times a day." "And there's, er, probably a ten to one ratio from boiling it to pouring it out and then the same again for pouring it out to actually drinking it." "So basically every time I put the kettle on there's only like one in a hundred chance that someone's actually gonna have a cup of tea." "LISA:" "Cancer is an attention-seeking, party-pooping bitch." "It takes over." "It takes your hair, your confidence, your social life, your immune system, your figure." "The least it could do is make you thin." "Your energy, your taste buds, your sense of smell, your sex life and leaves behind this dark stuff." "And just when you think it's done as much as it possibly can it takes away your chance to celebrate 'cause after six hideous rounds of chemo you just don't feel like bouncing back into life as it was before." "I want to pick myself up, dust myself down and write something uplifting." "God knows that's probably what everyone around me expected and definitely deserved." "But more than wanting what I write here to be uplifting" "I want it to be honest." "And to be honest the truth is at the end of treatment it feels like there's as much to mourn as there is to celebrate." "Is this alright still?" "Do you not think it needs altering before the weekend?" "Lise?" "You look like Ron Burgundy." "Come on!" "Let's see your outfit." "You've seen it." "It's been hanging on the wardrobe for four months." "Have you got tights?" "Why are you asking me about tights?" "Er, just because your mum called and she said that she'd get them for you if you let her know what denier it is that you want." "I don't need tights!" "If either of you think that having the right denier tight is going to make the slightest difference to how I look on the day..." "I know what I'm going to look like." "I'm going to look like a cancer patient!" "LISA:" "Of all the cancer side-effects that I expected what I hadn't bargained for was it turning me into a horrible person." "The dark stuff senses when you're vulnerable and surprises you with mini mental break downs." "You go from a strong on the outside, brave-faced girl to a consumed, clout troubled mess." "Hey, hey." "What's wrong?" "What's happened?" "I can't do this." "I can't." "What?" "What can't you do?" " Anything." "Any of it." "Let's just wait until tomorrow, ey?" "You know, you might feel differently." "I won't feel differently." "Every day's the same." "It doesn't matter what I do." "It's so ugly, Pete." "I don't recognise myself." "Some mornings..." "some mornings I don't want to wake up." "And I'm jealous." "I'm jealous of everyone." "Most of all I'm jealous of Jamie." "Because him and Leanne get to have the happiest day of their life while you and me we get less than two years of being normal, of being happy of me being remotely desirable to you before you become my carer." "Hey, hey, hey." "Where did you get the idea that I stopped finding you desirable?" "The pyjamas." "What pyjamas?" "The other night, the night you carried me out of the bath." "You gave me the sick persons' pyjamas." "That's as you see me." "Darling I gave you those pyjamas because they were the only ones clean!" "Any other evidence?" "How would you..." "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "That was one day." "I mean it was awesome." "It was a party." "People got drunk and they danced." "And, and it was brilliant." "And it was one day." "It didn't make me feel like we were going to have a... a fairytale life together." "Ok, alright, I didn't expect this either but that's what the vows are for." "'Cause you and me we are getting old together." "That's what I took from that day." "And that is happening." "That's the only thing I'm holding you to." " Pete." " Yeah?" "My eyelashes have started coming out." "Of course they are!" "I mean, that's the Bullshit for you!" "I mean they couldn't hang on in there just a few more days until after the wedding, could they?" "So, so, what does that tell you?" "That you're not the boss of this." "It's cancer." "It's not going to bend to your iron will." "I can't believe it." "I know." "Right young lady." "Get those baps out." "C'mon Lisa." "Those two have seen more tits than you've had hot dinners." "Tits?" "That's a first from you Jane." "Well, that's the Bullshit for you." "Oh come on, look at my raisins." "You've got nothing to hide." "Bloody hell." "That is the best falsie I've ever seen." "It's a thing of beauty that is." "Right then!" "LISA:" "Missing lashes and wonky wig aside the important thing was that for the first time in months the occasion wasn't about me." "Yes, people wanted to ask how I was and tell me they were pleased to see me and lie about how well I looked." "But this wasn't my day." "Cancer forces you to act and soon the acting becomes the reality because you're so bloody determined to put out the right signals." "Hi, fanny face." "Alright, rent boy." "LISA:" "It was the role of my life my Hannibal Lecter, my Don Corleone, my Scarlet O'Hara, and it was exhausting." "But seeing Jamie and Leanne get hitched was the prize I'd had my eye on from day one." "Every step of the Bullshit up to this point had been geared towards me not just making it there, but having a bloody good time too!" "Go on, Mum!" "LISA:" "Mission accomplished." "I did have a good time." "And all for the sake of my brilliant, brilliant brother." "In fact, so spectacular was the day that every so often I even forgot I'd got cancer." "And that's damn high praise." "Excuse me." "Are you Lisa?" "Lisa Lynch?" "Er, yeah?" "Thank you." "Mate?" "Who's that?" "No idea mate." "Why, were they not at the wedding?" "Alright." "Erm, this is my husband, Peter." "Pete!" "Diane reads the blog." " Oh right, ok." "I recognised her." "Didn't I?" " Did ya?" "Hello." "I'm Jane McFarlane, Lisa's mum." "Hello." "Yes of course you are." "I recognised you and all, from the wedding photo you put up." "That were a stunning hat you had on." "Oh." "My grandson's had it a year now, in his kidneys." "You think people just use the internet for mucky photos and booking holidays and trying to remember the name of some actor they forgot." "Then suddenly, you find something like this..." "I can't tell you what you've done for us." "Wow." "You know she's, erm, she's always been a writer." "Haven't you love, ey?" "I've always said that you should write a book." "Absolutely she should." "Absolutely." "Do you mind if I take a photo?" " No..." " Are you sure?" "Say cheese." "Cheese!" "There's no sign of cancer." "LISA:" "Oh!" "The most beautiful words in the English language." "But after going through six sessions of chemo and twenty eight sessions of radio it's enough to let us give the finger to the Bullshit in the best way we know how." "But first up, Operation Nipple Tattoo!" "With some help from a colour chart and some advice from my fellow bloggers" "I'm on a one way ticket to self improvement." "I'll once again be able to pick up a hair dryer." "Have more sex!" "Get off my steroid-swelled arse and generally execute a Houdini-like escape from the evil grip of the Bullshit!" "Tada!" "I was back!" "Life was slowly becoming normal." "Hello!" "Have you checked your Twitter?" "!" "Check it!" "LISA:" "Until Stephen Fry started reading my blog." "Funny and brilliant, he said." "Then the year of the Bullshit became the year I wrote a book." "I felt like the Carrie Bradshaw of breast cancer." "I had a new rack, a new book and I no longer had the barnet of a six-month-old baby." "Two years on I was starting to feel free again" "I didn't even mind when twat clacker overtook me and I became Auntie Lisa." "But then, then the music stopped..." "Hello." "Can you follow me, please?" "How long have you been married?" " Five years." "And when were you diagnosed?" "I first found out I had breast cancer, er, about a year and a half into our marriage." "Then recently they told us it had come back." "It's in my bones and my brain." "I'm having ongoing treatment to keep me alive as long as possible but there's, erm, nothing they can really do." "Erm, that happened about a month ago now so I should have really had time to get used to the situation." "What is it a situation that anybody gets used to?" "The pain's under control, but it's, er, it's just, er, everything else." "There are strategies for coping, more than coping." "And there is one in particular, a technique called mindfulness which has been found to be very useful." "And we can talk about all the different possibilities and approaches." "But first there is a book that I think you could both benefit from reading." "It's called The C Word." "I'm sor..." "What's wrong?" "What have I said?" "Erm..." "I wrote it." "Oh." "Lisa Lynch." "Oh God, erm..." "You have to laugh really..." "You were really kind about giving me time off and letting me work from home when Lisa was ill, erm..." "But unfortunately, we are back where we were because it's, it's come back." "And obviously I, er, I want to spend as much time with her as possible while still being able to support our family." "I, erm, I can't afford not to work." "So if we, if I could be, er, a bit more flexible again, like last time it would be... that would be hugely appreciated." "First class in here, isn't it?" " Hi treasure." "Here's mum and dad." "It'll be bucks fizz and mixed nuts coming round in a minute." "They've had it refurbished since last time." "In case you thought the shituation had got me an upgrade." "So I er, I, er brought some of this stuff in today." "It's just some of the stuff they give you about what help there is." "You know, support and stuff." "And er." "Thought we could go through it?" "Alright, sounds like a good idea, yeah." " Absolutely, yeah." "You see there's, erm, there's so much we're entitled to and some of it might be good." "Physio and er acupuncture and complementary therapies whatever they are." "There's erm, Trinity." "Trinity?" "The hospice?" "They've, they've got art therapy and meditation, all sorts." "I don't want to talk about that now." "No, I don't think art therapy's for our Lise." "Lucky to get a stick man out of her." "Many talents but I don't think art's one of them " "I don't want to talk about going into a hospice." "Nobody's talking about going in anywhere, darling." "You know these are, these are things you can do as a day patient." "And they're there if you want them." "Stop it." "I'm not ready for this." "Just stop it." "Please." "THERAPIST:" "I recommend your book to almost everybody that walks in here." "Almost on reflex because... it's brilliant... and funny and honest and I have seen how it helps people." "Yeah well, it's no use to me now, is it?" "I wrote, for me when I was gonna get better." "When I thought all I had to do was get through the treatment and then I'd come out the other side." "'Cause so many people do." "So many people survive." "I didn't have to have any more treatment." "When they told me it had come back." "You know, I could have just sacked the whole thing off." "But I wanted to live." "Obviously." "Only at the minute, it, er, it's not, it's not obvious." "'Cause I'm sitting there in that treatment room thinking why?" "Why am I bothering with all of this?" "And I'd never, never ever say that to my family." "Never." "But I..." "I have to say it to someone so I'm saying it to you." "You're angry." "Yeah!" "I can't even, I can't even go round the corner for a can of Coke because halfway there it will hit me and I'll panic." "Just the enormity of it all." "This thing has, it's taken my independence and, er, our optimism and our hopes and our tentative plans for the future and anything that it hasn't already taken, it one day will." " So you went back?" " Mm-hmm." "And what happened?" "I shouted and screamed and swore." "Did you want to sit down?" " No, no I'm OK." "Let's keep going." "She talked about mindfulness." "This technique where you imagine you're standing in the middle of a stream." "And you see leaves floating down the stream away from you." "Right?" "And then as a negative thought comes into your mind you mentally place it on a leaf and it floats away." "Ok." "Did you do it?" " Yeah." "I tried it." " And?" "I felt like shit." "Apparently it takes practice." "Oh and I ordered a book, that's meant to be quite good." "The Art of Happiness by the Dalai frigging Lama." "Wow." " I've got to sit now, babes." "Me too." "What?" "Fair play to that woman for styling it out after the first appointment." "I just keep thinking there must be a way to do this." "So I can start looking at things, like that branch, or the boat, the river and be dazzled by how beautiful it is instead of every single thing reminding me of what I've lost and what I'm going to lose." "Are you seriously giving yourself a hard time because you're not reacting to terminal illness in the right way?" "No." "I'm not." "I just, I just so badly want to get past this part, you know." "And get to the stage where I'm making the most of my time and..." "I don't know, flying kites across Hampstead Heath or whatever." "Right, first of all." "Piss off." "Kites?" "!" "Shall I tell you what terminally ill people fly kites?" "I think you're about to." "Pretend terminally ill people." "Terminally ill people in films." "And let me tell you something else." "Unlike you, they've got plenty of time on their hands to do whimsical stuff like that because they don't spend most of their time sitting on their arses fighting the Bullshit in hospital." "So what you're saying is I'm not really in a..." "in a position?" "I'm saying there is no right way to do this." "You're going to find your way." "OK?" "Ok." "This crying has got to stop." "I'm going to dissolve." "It will." "But not today." "Oh thanks, mate." "How are you feeling in yourself?" " A little better." "Getting any more sleep?" "A bit, bit more than I have been." "I'm feeling less panicky." "Brilliant." "So, do you feel more in control?" "Is that, is that something that's happened?" "Are you doing anything differently?" "Well, I've, I've been writing down passwords for things." "For paying bills online and my email." "But I keep imagining a scenario in which the wireless router needs resetting and I hadn't left Pete with the instructions of how to do it." "Are you blogging about it?" "The router?" "Your fear of death." "No." "I'm British." "We just don't talk about death, do we?" "But I do miss the blog." "Not 'cause I feel like writing, I don't, it was for me..." "It was for making sense of things." "But you... you can't make sense of this, can you?" "But I do miss it." "'Cause whatever it was that was happening, before even when my life was on hold in fact especially when my life was on hold" "was it gave me a purpose." "And the thing is, I still need a purpose." "I keep waiting for the morning when I don't feel it all rushing up towards me." "Or I do, I do feel that but then there's still something that I want to get out of bed for." "Yeah, that's when I'll know I've turned a corner." "What, like a big project?" "Yeah, Dad, I'm gonna swim the Channel." "Oh, aye, sarky sod." "Though knowing you, I wouldn't put it past you." "No." "No, no big projects." "I just, I just want to do what it is I do." "You know, what I've always done." "Like watch Coronation Street, paint my toenails, talk about what we're having for tea argue about which box set we're gonna watch." " Normal stuff." " Yeah." "PHONE BUZZES" "Replying to emails." "I can see you're raring to go on that one." "Oh it's just that every text, call and email I get is people asking how I am or saying that they're thinking about me." "I know that sounds really ungrateful but it's suffocating, y'know?" "I bet there's a fair few grief trolls among them." "Oh hello, what's this?" "Mum how do you know that phrase?" "The internet, obviously." "But you know there always were grief trolls." "You only have to go down the shopping centre and certain people, if they've heard something's wrong they'll make a bee-line for you." "D'you know the only people I can really talk to who never ask questions or mention health is Kris, Anya and Ellie you know, the three girls I met online who've got secondaries as well." "Meanwhile, I've got randomers sending me eulogies." "This is somebody that I worked with years ago who didn't even like me." "Well, don't answer it." "Well, I have to or she'll think I've carked it." "Oi, come here!" "I can deal with that one." " Oi!" "What you doing?" "!" "What is it?" "Reply?" "Oh I well I guess we'll reply:" "Dear so and so." "B-a-c-o-n." "Send." "There you are." " No, you did not send that!" "It's, it's an answer!" "It's telling her, it's an answer." "I'm still here but I'm not chatting to you, thank you very much." "There y'are." "Only bother with people who are helpful to you." "You know, you've things to do and they have to let you get on with it." "If they don't understand that, well then, excuse me, bugger them." "Bacon." "Right, who's up for the hottest curry South London's got to offer?" "Balti Kashmiri Chicken, vegetable biryani, naan bread and..." "Sag aloo!" "And to follow?" "I know what would follow if I ate all that, I tell you." "Oh, Ian!" " The entire first season of West Wing." "Again?" "For goodness sake." " You sure?" "Alright." "I'm in." " Okay then, Only Fools and Horses, perhaps." "No?" "How would you feel about stopping treatment for a bit?" "Why?" "Is it not working?" "On the contrary." "It is working." "It's working really well." "Now, the cancer has done what the cancer has done and there's no way for us to reverse that, yeah?" "But we put you on this course of treatment to stabilise you and that is exactly what has happened." "You've gone from this to this." "So, er, what exactly does that mean?" "It means you deserve a break." "Take a couple of months off and then we'll see where we're at." " A couple of months?" " Mm-hmm." "And no chemo?" " No chemo." "No coming in here." "Is that allowed?" " Go on holiday." "Do whatever you want to do." "Really?" " Yeah, two months, enjoying yourselves." "Come on, get out of here, I want to see the back of you." "It feels kind of normal to be here." " I know." "It's weird." "Do you think we'll be OK?" "Yeah." "They're really happy with you and " "No, I mean..." "It's going to be new, isn't it?" "You know we've had our routine." "Hospital days, recovery days." "Are you nervous?" "Yeah." "Me too." "Oh, it's so nice to be out." "I know." "You look different." "How?" "More like a boyfriend person, less like a carer person." "D'you want another beer?" "No, no, no, no." "We are having champagne." "So how does the queen-size room compare to the king-size room?" "I'm looking to price two first class tickets to New York." "Yeah, er, Lisa Jane Lynch, 30th of August 1979." "Yeah, er, cancer." "Uh-uh!" "Denied." "America doesn't want us." "Well, they'll have you apparently but they're not having any of me." "I am uninsurable, apparently." "Shit." "Though some kind soul did say she could pull some strings, get me cover for 36,000." " Pounds?" " Uh-huh." " For the week?" " For four days." "She said that was a long-shot." "I think she was just being nice, bless her." "Babe, I wasn't even that bothered." "D'you know that?" "I think we felt under pressure to go and do something amazing." "No I, I did want to go." "But I don't want to anymore." "We are going to Spain." "Do you want to splash the water?" "Shall we go for a little swim?" "Like this, do-do-do-dooo." "Super baby..." "Super baby." "Super baby!" "Afternoon." "Hello." "Did you still want me to go to the supermarket?" "Er, yes please, I would like a lilo with a drinks holder and some of those funny-shaped crisps." "Looking fit." "That was silly Daddy." "Arse face." "Tell him off." "I love ya." "See you in a bit." "♪ 'Cause I love summer no Rachel Bilson." "♪ The winter will come, we just have parties inside it's still fun." "♪ Pump this." "♪ Chase your boyfriend let's 'av him." "♪ We're rowdy, girls make our judgment cloudy" "♪ but when the sun comes out we're still alcys." "♪ We don't wanna be lousy, or shameless" "♪ but we're running round like we're brainless" "♪ now I've got grass stains on my brand new white trainers... ♪" "Oi." "You're disturbing the neighbours." "I was quite enjoying it though." "I'm a good rapper, aren't I?" "No." "She likes that Lama." "Yeah, she really does." "Small doses though, you know." "She'll have the ipad out next and she'll be onto the Daily Mail sidebar." "PHONE RINGS" "Hey babe, what's wrong?" " Sorry to call you at work." "It doesn't matter." "What is it?" " Remember Anya?" " Course." "Jazz pianist from Brighton who, er, recommended the cream for your arse." "Er, she died." "It was me, her, Kris and Ellie." "All bloggers, all with secondaries, all in the same leaky boat." "She's the first." "I'm coming home." "Lisa?" "Ellie." "Kris." "You made it." "Come give me a hug." "Hi!" " We did it!" " We made it!" "Oh God, I hate some of the stuff they come out with." ""You've got to turn a negative into a positive"." "I hate that." "It's annoying but kind of true." " Yeah, it's true!" " My cat died of that!" " No!" "My cat actually died of breast cancer." "No!" " Yes!" " No one said that." "Did somebody actually say that?" " Actually, yeah." ""You don't look ill"." " But you don't." "I hate "Everything happens for a reason"." "Bloody hell, Ellie." "You're joking!" " Come on, this was the plan, was it not?" "No!" "In fact Yes, yes!" " Yes it was the plan." " Okay." "I'm gonna be hammered." "Will you help me, I'll be wobbling with my stick." " Jesus." " Okay." " To Anya." " To Anya." "Oh God!" "That goes down nice, doesn't it?" " That was good." "Right, shall we go to the pier?" " One more." "Oh no!" "One more!" " Yes, for Anya, come on." "Ok, to Anya." "And life." "And life." "Ok, pier, yes." "But I need a wee so it's probably gonna be sunset by the time we get there." "We might need a torch." "And I think I'm gonna need your walking stick now!" "We'll speak later, yeah?" " Yeah." " Sure you're gonna be alright?" "Yeah, I'll be fine." "Pete's on his way." "Ok." "Bye." "Thanks for the best day." "LISA:" "I started this blog for me 'cause I'm a selfish sod and writing's how I sort out how I feel about things." " Ian!" "LISA:" "But I haven't half met some amazing people in the process." "One of them, Anya, died last week, and today I've been toasting her life." "Trust me, a cup of tea just wouldn't cut it." "But holding up a snifter of whiskey felt right." "I don't want you to go reading too much into this post." "Heck, grief is hardly something you can rehearse." "I'm just saying there's a lot to celebrate."