"Hello?" "Who?" "No." "No, this is Morvern Callar." "Morvern Callar." "M-O-R-V..." "I don't see anybody." "No." "Yes, it's the station." "No, no, I'm not from here, no." "But I've lived here for years." "I was..." "I was going to make a call." "Oh, don't worry." "I'm sure she'll be fine." "Yeah." "OK, then." "OK, thanks a lot." "Bye." "Oh, aye, merry Christmas." "Sorry." " Where have you been?" "I'm freezin' to death." " Sorry." "Where is he, then?" " He's not coming." " And why not?" "He's weird." "What's that?" ""Jackie"?" "Who's Jackie?" " I found it." " Lucky bitch." "It's gold." "What's up wi' you?" "Here." "Take this and shut up." "OK, boys, this time we'll play you for Joan of Arc." "Hi, gorgeous." " Hey, sexy." " Arsehole." "When are you going to get a steady boyfriend?" "Where's your man the night, then, eh?" "At home." "Eh?" "Don't tempt me." "Hello, Morvern." "Long time no see." "I thought you'd have been over to visit us by now." "Sorry." "What have you done wi' Dostoevsky tonight?" " He's at home." " You leave him at home?" "In the kitchen." "They'll get their heads kicked in." "Where are you taking us?" "The girl's mental." " Look at her." " I know." "I told them my leg won't stop shaking and then they said..." ""Do you want to go to the hospital?"" "I said, "I don't know what to do because my leg won't stop shaking."" "Is this your house?" "It's a really nice house, isn't it?" "I like the bath." "Reckon we can get any more?" "Do you reckon we can get any more?" "Do you reckon we can get any more?" "I reckon he's got some." "I reckon he's got some." "I reckon he's got some." "I reck-I reck-I reck-I reckon he's got some." "I broke my nail." "Ask them, they might have seen it." " Have you seen my nail?" " It's a sparkly blue nail." "Excuse me, have you seen my nail?" "Look." "She's lost her nail." "Excuse me, everybody, but I've lost my nail." "I've fuckin' lost my nail." "No, I think you've got a nice smile." "Don't worry about your smile." "Have you seen my boyfriend?" "I've lost my boyfriend." "Have you seen my boyfriend?" "...when you can sit on your own and not really say anything," "I think that's when you know you really love somebody." "What are you doing out here?" "It's freezin'." "Oh, shit." "How are you feelin'?" "Not too good." "That's the island where my foster mum is buried." "I'm fucked." "Ooh, I need a pee." "I do." "I need it." "I need to do a pee." "I'm freezin'." "Let's go to yours." " No, I don't wanna go home." " I know what you mean." "A merry Christmas, hen." "Happy New Year, Gran." "It's New Year." "It's New Year, is it?" "Och, I thought it was Christmas." " I'm only winding you up, Granny." " Ah, get off me, toerag." "Put the whistling jenny on and we'll have a cup of tea." "Right, Granny." "A three-letter word meaning um, what is it, neighbour." "Och aye." "What would we say instead of neighbour?" " Pal." " Pal!" "Three-letter word." "Pal." "That's right." "I know, Mum, but it was snowin'." "Well, Morvern's not got a phone." "Look..." "Right." "Right." "Just shut up." "So what did you get me for Christmas, Granny?" "What Christmas?" "Thought it was the New Year." "Och, away wi' you, and have a hot bath, the pair of yous." "What are you gonna tell him?" "You can tell him you crashed at mine." "Lanna?" "What?" "Summat bad's happened." "You're not pregnant, are you?" "He's gone." "He's left me." " What are you talking about?" " He's left me." "Oh, he's probably just in one of his moods." "He's not." "He's really gone." "He's never coming back." "He's gone where?" "Gone where?" "Dunno." "To another country." "Another country?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "Is it something to do wi' me?" "What?" "I'll get some more towels, you look tired." "Are you going deaf or what?" "I was buzzin' for ages." "Sorry." " Merry Christmas, pet." " Oh, Lanna..." "I didn't get you anything." " I'm sorry." " Don't be daft." "It's no big deal." "Come here." "And don't worry, he'll come back." "Lanna Phimister to bakery section." "Great." "I'll meet you at Menzies at nine, right?" "Can Lanna Phimister please make her way to bakery section?" "Don't worry, he'll be back, tail tucked between his legs." "Loose carrots 69p a pound." "Thank you for shopping at Pennysaver." "Hello." "Just get the snow off my boots." "Are you looking for Lanna?" "No." "I was kind of wondering how you were." " What are you doing here?" " Na-naa!" "What?" "What is it?" "I booked us both a fortnight at a resort." "You're kidding?" "!" "Creeping Jesus will have to change your shifts." " And don't worry about money." " Oh, my God!" "Lynn, I cannae believe it!" "Morvern, you are so lovely to me!" "Oh, it's all right." "It's your Christmas present." " Where did you get the money?" " From the bank." "What are we goin' to do when we get there?" "Be quiet." "It's an old woman that lives there anyway." "He's left all his stuff, eh?" "Even the computer." "It's kinda creepy, innit?" "Oh, my head's buzzin' wi' this tab." " We've gotta put some music on." " What do you want on?" "Some of his stuff." "Did you know that Shadow the shelf-stacker got the boot from work?" "I don't want to talk about work." "I hated him." "He's a real perv." "Let's look at some of his stuff on the computer." " No." " Maybe he's wrote something about me." "I don't want to." "You're a pure bore." "Let's do some hoovering'." "Oh, come on, it'll be a brilliant trip." "No." "Do you want to do some baking', then?" "We got to do it right." "Oh, that's brilliant." " It's pure dead brilliant." " Pure dead brilliant." "It's no sticking properly to the wee pasty underneath." "Your hand's shakin'." "Cake." "It's a wee cake." "Morvern?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "You know we were pals?" "What, us?" "No." "Me and him." "We were good pals." "What do you mean?" "You'll be in a massive huff." "Did you go with him, then?" "Look, Morvern, I know how terrible it must feel to you, but it realty wasn't what you think." "I'll understand if you don't want me to come on holiday." "I'll stay here and look after the flat." "It's not that I don't want to come." "I'd love to come." "You're my best friend, Morvern." "I'm sorry, really." "I got your letter." "Um..." "I'm..." "I'm glad you like the book." "I can't..." "I can't come and meet you in London because I'm off to Spain." "So..." "Oh." "Shit." "Um..." "It's the er Hotel Rozinante." " Come on!" "We're missin' the plane!" " Sorry." "Hurry up!" "You're lucky to be on the flight." "Oh, wow!" "This is great." "Lanna!" " What about the buses?" " We'll get a cab." " Are the buses here already?" " No, we got a lift." "There is a special bus laid on for you, you know." "So?" "Name?" "Morvern Callar." "Oh, by the way, there's a message for you." " Let me see." " Give it back." " "Tom Boddington."" " Give it back." "I said give it back!" "There's no need to get nasty." "So who's Tom Boddington, anyway?" "Just a guy I met." "Where?" " At the airport." " At the airport?" "How does he know you're here?" "Cos I told him." "Fab!" "This is crackin'." "Lanna Phimister and Mervo Caller?" "Morvern Callar." "Marven Caller?" " Morvern Callar!" " Marvell?" "Oh, for fuck's sake!" " Good mor..." " Never mind." "What is it?" "Good morning, Marvell Caller." "Welcome to Hotel Rozinante very pleasant stay." " OK?" " OK." "You speak English?" " Very quiet." " Swedish?" "Me Dazzer and that's Dave." "Helga." "Ha!" "Olga." "Olga." " Olga?" " Olga." "Ol-ga." " Olga." " Olga." "German?" "So you are German?" "I know someone from Germany." "Bloke." "Um..." "Al..." "Alwin..." "Alwin Küchler from Germany." "Do you know him?" "Slappers!" "Look at them two over there." "Get off!" "I like champagne." "Oh, me too." "Morvern, this is great." "You're so good to me and I really don't deserve it." " Oh, shut up." " I mean it." " You're such a good friend." "You're great." " That's enough now." "And there's plenty of guys who fancy you." "You'll have no problem finding a new boyfriend." " Who said I wanted a new boyfriend?" " Like that guy Tom you met at the airport." "Have you phoned Tom?" "He fancies you." "What are you talking about?" "Let's go in." "I'm goin' in." "Eugh." "There's beasties floating about." "Look." "People are fuckin' tryin' to sleep up here!" "Fuckin' cut it out!" "I'm tryin' to get some sleep!" "Do you not have children?" "Swap your swimsuits!" "Away you go." "If these cats in the bag don't get into the spirit of things, they're going to end up in the swimming pool!" "How are you getting on in there?" "Nice one, Tony!" "I think they've had long enough." "Drum roll, everybody." "Here we go." "And..." "Look at that." "Don't they look lovely?" "Beautiful." "Big round of applause." "Morvey." "Morvey!" " Like my hat?" " Yeah, it's lovely." "I can't stand up, mate." "I am mashed!" " He's an ugly cunt." " Aye, I'm an ugly cunt, like." " I like your pants." " Do you like them?" "Very nice." "I never take it off." "My hair's a fuckin' mess." "Do you like it like that?" " Does it work?" " That's much better." "It's my hat, greasy." "I don't wash it, you see." "Makes it dry." "We just got a cheap flight, didn't we?" "We don't know how long we're going to be here." "We're looking for jobs." " Do you want a job?" " Nah, you're all right." "I don't want one either." " What's your name?" " Lanna." "Paul." " Lanna?" " Lanna, yeah." " Lara?" " Lanna." "Lanna." "Lanna." "As in, like, Lanna the llama?" "Fuckin' hell!" "It's all right." "Do you..." "Do you want to come to Revert with us later?" "It's only down the road and it's fucking good, innit?" "It's a great club." "It's got two big fuckin' rooms, right." " 24 hours, man." " 24 hours." "They close one room and, like, clean the other." "How can they close one and clean the other, spacker?" "You're doing my fuckin' head in." "You're doing it on purpose to show me up." "I was saying summat." "Oh, Sashy!" "Our fuckin' mate Sasha, man." " He's fuckin' off his head." " He came here for a week..." "All right, mate?" "Dick." "...found him a month later a month later, in The Revert, just been livin' on fuckin' orange juice and burgers, man!" "He completely fried his brain." "So are you gonna come with us?" "Aye, great." "You ought to." "It's gonna be a fuckin' laugh." "It just goes on and on." "You just fuckin' get smashed." " You get some fuckin' nuts." " I'm fuckin' off my nut now, man." "Think they're cute?" "But I might go somewhere else." "Where's she going?" "Ah, she'll be all right." "No!" "No." "No." "Are you all right?" "My mum's dead." "Will you stay for a while and talk to me?" "I'll tell you about my foster mum's funeral, if you like." "I've gotta go back." " Who's there?" " It's me." "What time is it?" "Half nine." "Where have you been?" "We've just taken some E's." " Hi." " Hi." "Do you want one?" "What are you doing with the bags?" "Get dressed." "We're leaving." " What are you doing?" " Get dressed." "We're leaving." " Come on." " Are you sure you don't want a pill?" " What's the matter with you?" " We're going elsewhere." "Where?" "What are you lookin' at?" "Pervert!" "Come on!" "What the hell is this?" "!" "Mar-way." "Where are we goin'?" "Somewhere beautiful." "Oh, my God." "Lanna!" "Lanna!" "Leave me alone, you old bag!" "Lanna!" "Vaya, hombre!" "Lanna!" "Lanna!" "Lanna!" "Don't like it here." "I want to go back." "Where's your case?" "I don't know." "And the new bikini and everything!" "I can't believe it." "That cost a fortune." "And the pink dress." "Everything." "This is too depressing'." "Wow!" "This is amazing." "This?" "It's the middle of nowhere." "I cannae walk." "Oh, that's a sign." "A sign for a hotel, I bet you." " Come on." " There's nothin' up that way." " Come on, you." " It's just mountains." "Come on." "Oh, I cannae walk." "My feet are killin' me." "Have you got a light?" "Somethin' just bit me!" "This place is crawling'." "Are you sure you haven't got a light?" "You don't understand, Morvern." "We are lost in the middle of nowhere!" "I want to go back." "There's nothin' wrong wi' that place." "I liked it." "I was havin' a great time." " What?" " Did you hear that?" " What?" " There." "Look." "There's eyes." "Somebody's watching us." "This is all your fault." "Why did we have to go anywhere anyhow?" "I hate this place." "Stop laughing." "It's not funny." " You hate me, don't you?" " What?" "You still fuckin' hate me because of him, don't you?" "What are you talking about?" "You think he's left you because of me." "That's what you think." "Shut up, Lanna." "It was just a stupid fuck." "Wasnae even a good one." "You're makin' it into some big deal." " Shut up, Lanna." " Just get over it," " for fuck's sake." " Shut up." "He's dead." "I'm sick of your stupid moods." "I mean, we could have been out clubbin' it." "Instead, we're fuckin' surrounded by donkeys and cactus." "What's wrong wi' you?" "What do you want?" "What planet are you on?" "You're too fuckin' weird." " Where are you going?" " Away from you." "That's my case." "Jackie." "Jackie." "A que se aparece la niña de ella que tanto te gusta." "Cémo se llama?" "La que canta esa cancién..." "La que siempre pone." "Mina Entrompada." "Tu te pareces a la chica de Mina Entrompada." "La conoces?" "Hello?" "Hello, can I speak to Tom, please?" "Oh, sorry." "Tom Boddington." "Yeah." "It's Morvern." "Sorry." "Morvern Callar." "Hello." "Hi." "Yeah, I'm still in Spain." "Yeah." "One of the best first novels I've read for a while." "I really loved hearing such a distinctive female voice." "I loved just each character." "The honesty, I loved." " Very fresh." " It's brilliant." "It's a brave piece." "So... how are you finding it here?" "Are you having a good time in Spain?" "Aye, it's great, yeah." "It's really beautiful when you get to the quiet places, you know." "I like the ants." "So... tell us something about yourself." "About your background." "Well, I do books, myself, because it's got a lot to offer me." "I mean, it's much better than waking up on cold mornings knowing it's 39 years to go till pension, you know?" "I mean, when you're writing, you can just... knock off when you want." "Look out the window, smoke a cigarette... then make a cup of coffee, take a shower..." "Is that OK?" " Yeah, no." "Sure." " Yeah, course, course." "Is there anyone on the business side that we should be talking to specifically?" "Someone back in the UK?" "Do you have an agent or someone looking after your book?" "Me." "Talk to me." " Directly." "Great." "Fine." " That's great." "Well, um..." "That's how we like it." "No agent." "Since we're talking to you directly, what did you have in mind deal-wise?" "Well, shall I just put something out there?" "We were thinking of something in the region of... 100?" "I know it's a bit awkward talking about money." "Morvern, I'll be direct." "We love the novel." "That's why we're here." "We don't just jump on the plane to Spain at a day's notice on every unsolicited manuscript that comes through the door." "But you are a first-time writer, and we're taking a risk taking you on and you have to appreciate that." "I can assure you that for a first-time writer, £100,000 is a really good deal." "Can I go to the toilet?" "Of course." "Fucking hell." "So when do I get the money?" "Well, you know, these things take a little bit of time, but soon." "We have to go through lawyers, paperwork, that sort of thing." "We'll sort it out." "So how long does that take?" "If you sign the contract here now, er... then, you know, by the time we get back to London, we could um... get a cheque to you immediately." "So, Morvern, are you working on any new material?" "Material?" "Just give us just a few words." "What are you working on next?" "Hey, I'm on holiday." "Oh, come on, Morvern, don't be shy." "What's your next book about?" "Sneak preview." "I work in a supermarket." "Supermarket." "Love it." "Here, take a picture." "Checkout girl." "Say cheese." "Chin-chin." " Chin-chin." " Chin-chin." "So, Morvern, do you really work in a supermarket?" "Fruit and veg section." "No, Lanna." "Laa-nna." "Lanna Phimister." "That's right." "Yeah." "Aqualand?" "Right, right." "Um..." "No, I'll call back later, thanks." "No." "No message." "Thank you." "How have you been?" "Same old, same old." "Back on the early shift till the end of my days." "So where did you go, then?" "Oh, I met this group from Leeds." "Completely mental." "Absolutely mad." "Such a good laugh." "Oh, and I met this guy." "One of the guys from Leeds." "His name's Drew." "He's coming to see me in a fortnight." " That's great." " You'll like him." "He's a good laugh." "Lanna, I'm going again." "What?" "Do you want to come?" "Don't worry about money." "What are you talkin' about?" "What money?" "It doesn't matter." "And what about work?" "Fuck work, Lanna." " We can go anywhere you like." " I'm happy here." " Are you?" " Yeah." "Everyone I know's here." "There's nothing wrong wi' here." "It's the same crapness everywhere, so stop dreaming." " Whisky, Morvern." " Thanks a lot." " Yours was...?" " Coke." "Thank you." "Ta." "I'm going to the toilet."