"It's amazing how entitled people think they are." "People really think that they have shit coming to them, y'know?" "And people think nothing bad should ever happen to them." "For some reason, you shouldn't even have accidents happen to you." "I was in a restaurant the other day, this guy, they spilled... the waiter spilled some stuff on his coat and he did that thing we all do now when we get stuff spilled on us." "He was like, "what is the meaning of this?"" ""Do you know who I am?"" "Yeah, you're the asshole who was sitting there when that happened, so what?" "Maybe you'll get hit by a car someday." "Nobody gives a shit." "You're not entitled to anything in this world." "You have to realize that." "From the moment you're born, from the moment the last of your body leaves your mother's vagina, from the moment that your foot stops touching your mother's vagina for the last time, hopefully, unless you later kick your mother in the vagina," "which you should not do." "Just my opinion, but you should not... there are very few legitimate reasons to kick your mother in the vagina." "There's seven of them, actually." "But I'm not gonna tell you what they are 'cause you'll..." "I know what you'll do." "That's my fare, that is my fare!" "This is my man!" "Shit on you, shit on you!" "Shit on me?" "Blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah! You gein, come on, get..." "Oh, shit!" "Oh, shit!" "I kill you!" "Ahh, ahh!" "Get in, get in!" "So I'm going to the airport." "Can you take the midtown tunnel?" "Yeah." "I don't like the bridges." "Yeah, okay." "You can't do this." "I have a reservation." "You can't do this!" "Goddamn it!" "You people are pieces of shit!" "Damn it, I have a goddamn reservation!" "Sir." " no!" "You had no right." "I'd be glad to put you on a red-e ugh, cocks!" "A reservation, all right?" "Don't you understand that?" "You're greedy, you're just greedy." "The whole airlines is just greedy." "You push people, you push people until they... until they can't take it anymore!" "Hi." "Good morning." "How can I help you?" "I'm going to Birmingham on the 11:40 flight." "Okay." "Where are you flying to?" "Birmingham." "What time is the flight?" "11:40." "Okay, do you have any identification?" "Uh, yeah, right here." "Great." "All right, here is your boarding pass, and it is gate 32." "Great, thank you." "Oh, can I just ask you, is it... how's the flight doing, is it on time or..." "I'm showing th that flight is canceled." "It's canceled?" "Yes." "But you just gave me a seat on it." "Yes, that was before it was canceled." "What, was it canceled four seconds ago?" "Yes." "Why was it canceled?" "Is there weather, what..." "I'm showing that it was coming from Miami and it crashed." "It crashed?" "Jesus, was." " was it bad?" "I'm showing..." "That everybody died." "Except one baby." "Do you want to go standby on the 1:15?" "Yeah, sure, that'd be great." "You think I'll get on?" "Is this your bag, sir?" "Yeah." "I need to check it by hand over here." "Okay." "Sir, what is this?" "That's lube." "Lube." "Yup." "Sir, you can't carry this on the plane." "I don't." " I don't need it on the plane." "I need it for later in the hotel." "Well, sir, if you'd like, you can go through again and mail it to yourself or you can check your bag with the lube in it." "I can keep it if my bag is checked," "I can keep it in there?" "Yes, sir." "Why - but if it's dangerous... is it dangerous?" "No, it's not dangerous." "I'm saying, if you're technically afraid of it in my carry-, then why... if it's a weapon in there, that..." "I'm just saying, why is it okay underneath?" "Why is it less of a threat in the belly of the plane if it has some sort of..." "I'm not saying this is a weapon." "Sir, what's in this bottle?" "Lube." "Lube?" "Yes, it's lubricant for masturbating with." "It's technically made for sex, but I have personally never used it that way." "I use it to masturbate with." "It's easier to masturbate if I use this lubricant." "Let him keep it." "Thank you." "Yeah, I don't care." "Well, you know what you should do?" "When you go in there, just talk to - ask for..." "Most of these situations, they don't even know what they're doing." "Just play stupid, you know?" "Uh-huh." "Well, you..." "I mean, if you're betting on the jets, you moron." "Let me ask you a question." "You think the jets really have a chance of winning?" "Yeah, I do, I think they have a chance." "Who told you that?" "Uh, Mike." "And where you gonna go after that?" "I'm gonna go to the park." "Ahh!" "You know what, you gotta do what you gotta do, but I don't think that's gonna make a difference down there with those guys." "How you doin'?" "Okay." "Good." "Can I have a glass of water, please?" "Just a minute." "Small plane." "Yeah." "Uh, ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain, Jeff taymor." "Thanks for joining us to Birmingham this afternoon." "Uh, we're gonna have a slight delay here due to weather in Birmingham." "Haven't got enough clearance to take off yet due to severe, uh, tornado, hurricane, uh..." "Perfect storm." "In addition to that, we have a few maintenance issues." "Broken wing and something's wrong with the, uh, safety-related part of the plane." "We'll be getting on our way here in just a few minutes, though." "Should be to Birmingham on time." "Thanks for flying with us, and sit back and enjoy the ride." "Whoa." "Yeah." "Uh, ladies and gentlemen, we're hitting and it should be pretty rough going as we poke through it." "Please, for your own safety, stay in your seats with your seat belts fastened." "Nothing to worry about, though." "We'll have you on the ground in a few minutes." "God have mercy on all our souls." "Flight attendants, prepare for landing." "Ladies and gentlemen- uh..." "Never mind, folks." "I, uh..." "Uh... oh, man..." "Ahh, ahh, ahh..." "Think we're gonna die right now?" "I don't know." "You think?" "I don't know, man." "Oh!" "Ahh!" "No, no!" "Jesus, God, no!" "Jesus!" "Jesus, God, no!" "That's the sound somebody makes when you're about to die." "Yeah." "Oh, shit, shit!" "Oh, man, that was... oh, boy." "Well, so long, Dennis." "Take care, Louie." "Anyway, I..." "I feel pretty good because I finally have the body that I want." "And it's actually." " it's actually really easy to have the body you want." "You just have to want a shitty body." "Hey, man, say some shit about mobile." "Yeah!" "What?" "Say some shit about mobile." "Why?" "You in Birmingham, buddy." "Onna..." "I'm not gonna say some shit about mobile." "Oh, just say some shit, man." "Come on, man!" "Just say some shit." "I don't care about mobile, I don't care about Birmingham." "If you really want my opinion, you can take both those towns and shove 'em both up your ass." "Man, you suck!" "Suck!" "You suck!" "Faggot!" "Come on, man." "I just want to do my act." "Go back home, yankee!" "I paid good money for these!" "Hey, man... okay, come on." "I like it." "Alison, I have a little surprise for you tonight." "Instead of the usual thing I get every single time," "I know what I want." "Where the hell am I?" "With the soup on it." "400 times, never get it this time but I'll get it tonight." "Hi." "You're that comedian guy." "Um... right?" "You're that comedian guy?" "Yeah." "My sister's a big fan of you." "Oh." "Great big fan." "Well, that's... she wants to meet you, but she's shy." "Do you want to meet my sister?" "She's a great big fan of you." "Yeah, well, I. - she's right over there." "Want to meet her?" "You want to meet her." "Sure." "Okay." "This is Doreen." "Hi." "She's a big fan of you." "Hi." "Oh, my God, hi." "Hi, thank you." "Hi." "Go on." "Sit down." "Go on." "I'm a really big fan of you." "Sure, okay." "Hi." "I..." "I used to watch your show and I've seen all your comedy and just..." "I think you're so funny." "Thank you very much." "Thanks, that's nice." "You had a show in town tonight?" "Yeah, I was at the burkham theatre." "I know, I wanted to get tickets, but it was too much, so..." "Oh, sorry." "But I knew you were in town and we were sitting here and you walked in, and I said to Curtis, "oh, my God, that's him!"" "Oh, yeah?" "So you guys are from around here, or..." "Yeah." "Yeah, just a couple of nobodies from Birmingham." "Oh, don't say that." "Well, you're from new York." "Yeah, well, new York is full of nobodies." "I mean, everybody's nobody." "You're really smart." "Not really." "Yeah, you are." "I just think you're great." "Your comedy is just so smart and funny." "Thank you, thank you, that's really nice." "She's a great big fan of you." "Can I say something kind of weird?" "Sure." "I mean, it's not weird, it's just kind of... well, I never thought I'd meet you." "I mean, I never even imagined it, but here you are and I just..." "I want to tell you that..." "I think you're sexy." "Sexy." "Well, Doreen, that's really nice." "And it was really nice to meet yo but I..." "Oh, you're leaving?" "Yeah, you know, I got a flight to catch and so I should probably go." "I gotta go." "It was nice to meet you, though." "It was really nice to meet you, both of you." "It was nice to... it was nice to meet you." "So what's wrong?" "You don't like my sister?" "She's a big fan of you, but you don't like her?" "Hey, man... hey, man!" "Hey." "Hey, what?" "You think you're too good for my sister?" "You don't want to make out with her." "You want to make her cry instead." "Listen, Curtis..." "I told you." "My sister is a big fan of you." "And she said some nice things to you." "And now you're gonna... hey, thanks a lot for that back there." "That was pretty scary." "Mmm." "I never had anybody point a gun at me before." "Yeah." "Well, it's a pretty regular thing around here." "Well..." "Here's your hotel." "Great." "Listen, thanks, thanks again." "Sure." "Appreciate it." "Sure." "I guess I did help you out." "Yeah, you could say that again." "You know, sometimes when someone helps somebody, they maybe get something in return." "Yeah, like- like- like what?" "Well, like..." "Kiss on the lips would be nice." "Are you being serious?" "I'm not a homosexual, don't get the wrong idea." "I'd just like a kiss on the lips is all." "Wow." "The south really is different." "I mean, people always say it and I always say, "no." "People are the same everywhere."" "But, no, it really is very different down here, man." "Look, you go on now to your hotel, you forget I said it." "Listen." "You really helped me out tonight." "I'm..." "I mean, I never kissed a man on the lips before." "But I don't..." "I don't have a really compelling reason why not." "And..." "I don't know, if it'll make you happy." "Thanks." "Okay." "Good night." "Transcript by addic7ed." "Com you're gonna have to check that bag." "There's just no way." "But I always fly with this bag." "But it's not gonna fit in the overhead." "You can see that." "But I fly with this bag all the time in this type of airplane and it always fits." "Ma'am, just let me check the bag." "No, no, it'll fit." " I fly all the time." "Yeah, but it doesn't... that doesn't affect the size of the bag." "The amount that you fly doesn't make the bag smaller or that bigger." "Just look at it, look at it with your eyes." "Your real eyes, not the crazy eyes."