"Wait, wait." "What is that?" "That's Marcel." "Wanna say hi?" "No, I don't." "He is precious!" "Where did you get him?" "My friend Bethel rescued him from some lab." "That is so cruel." "Why?" "Why would a parent name their child Bethel?" "That monkey's got a Ross on his ass!" "Is he gonna live with you, like, in your apartment?" "It's been kind of quiet since Carol left, so..." "Why don't you just get a roommate?" "I don't know." "You reach a certain age having a roommate is just kind of pathe..." "Sorry, that's "pathet", which is Sanskrit for "cool way to live"." "The One With the Monkey" "I'm doing all-new material tonight." "I have 12 new songs about my mother's suicide and one about a snowman." "Might want to open with the snowman." "So how'd it go?" "I didn't get the job." "How could you not get it?" "You were Santa last year!" "I don't know." "Some fat guy's sleeping with the store manager." "He's not even jolly." "It's all political." "What are you gonna be?" "I'm gonna be one of his helpers." "It's just such a slap in the face, you know?" "Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's?" "Hey, what?" "What is wrong with New Year's?" "Nothing for you." "You have Paolo." "You don't have to face the pressure of finding anything with lips to kiss when the ball drops!" "Man, I'm talking loud!" "For your information, Paolo's gonna be in Rome this New Year's." "I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you." "Yeah, you wish." "I'm sick of being a victim this Dick Clark holiday." "I say this year, no dates, we make a pact." "Just the six of us." "Dinner." " Sure." " Fine." "I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm." "You're on." "Oh, good." "Okay, hi." "Ladies and gentlemen, back by popular demand Miss Phoebe Buffay." "Thanks." "Hi." "I want to start with a song that means a lot to me this time of year." "I made a man with eyes of coal" "And a smile so bewitchin'" "How was I supposed to know" "That my mom was dead in the kitchen?" "My mother's ashes" "Even her eyelashes" "Are resting in a little yellow jar" "And sometimes when it's freezing" "I feel a little sneezy" "And now I..." "Excuse me?" "Excuse me?" "Noisy boys." "Is it something you'd like to share with the group?" "No, that's okay." "If it's important enough to discuss while I'm playing I assume it's important enough for everyone else to hear." "That guy's going home with a note." " I was just saying..." " Could you speak up?" "Sorry." "I was saying you were the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen." "And you said Daryl Hannah was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen." "And I said I liked her in "Splash", but not in "Wall Street"." " I thought she had a hard quality." " A hard quality." "And while Daryl Hannah is beautiful in a conventional way you are luminous with a kind of delicate grace." "Then that's when you started yelling." "Okay, we're gonna take a short break." "I think that guy's going home with more than a note." "Come here, Marcel." "Sit here." "Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kissed you yet." "I mean, by my sixth date with Paolo, he'd already named both my breasts." "Did I just share too much?" "Just a smidge." "David's, like, a scientist guy." "He's very methodical." "I think it's romantic." "Me too!" "Did you ever see "An Officer and a Gentleman"?" "He's kind of like the guy I went to see that with." "Except he's smarter and gentler and sweeter." "I just want to be with him all the time." "You know, day and night." "And night and day." "And special occasions." "I see where this is going." "You're gonna ask him to New Year's." "You'll break the pact." "She's breaking the pact." "Yeah, could I just...?" "Yeah, because I already asked Janice." "Come on, this was a pact!" "This was your pact!" "I couldn't handle the pressure and I snapped!" "But Janice?" "That was the worst breakup in history!" "I'm not saying it was a good idea." "I snapped!" "Hi, sorry I'm late." "Too many jokes." "Must mock Joey." "Nice shoes, huh?" "God, you're killing me!" "He's playing with my spatulas again!" "Look, he's not gonna hurt them, right?" "Do you always have to bring him here?" "I didn't want to leave him alone." "We had our first fight this morning." "It has to do with my working late." "I said some things that I didn't mean." "He threw some feces." "If you're working late, I can look in on him." "That would be great!" "But make sure it seems like you're there to see him and you're not doing it as a favor to me." "Okay." "But if he asks, I'm not going to lie." "But you can't actually test this theory." "Because today's particle accelerators are nowhere near powerful enough to simulate these conditions." "All right." "I have a question then." "Were you planning on kissing me ever?" "That's definitely a valid question and the answer would be yes." "Yes, I was." "But see, I wanted it to be this phenomenal kiss that happened at this phenomenal moment because it's you." "Sure." "Right." "But the longer I waited, the more phenomenal the kiss had to be." "And now, it's just got to be one of those things where I sweep everything off the table and throw you down on it." "And I'm not really a sweeping sort of fella." "Oh, David, I think you are a "sweeping sort of fella"." "I mean, you're a sweeper trapped inside a physicist's body." " Really." " I'm sure of it." "You should just do it." "Just sweep and throw me." "Now?" "Right now." "Just..." "You know what?" "This is just really expensive." "And this was a gift." " Now you're just tidying up." " Okay, what the hell?" " You want me to actually throw you...?" " I can hop." "Tell me something, what does "No-Date Pact" mean to you?" "I'm sorry." "It's just that Chandler has somebody and Phoebe has somebody." "I thought I'd ask Fun Bobby." "Fun Bobby, your ex-boyfriend, Fun Bobby?" "You know more than one Fun Bobby?" "I happen to know a Fun Bob." "Okay." "Here we go." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "There's no room for milk." "There." "Now there is." "So on our no-date evening, three of you now are gonna have dates." " Four." " Four." " Five." " Five." "Sorry." "Paolo's catching an earlier flight." "And I met this really hot single mom at the store." "What's an elf to do?" "So I'm gonna be the only one standing there alone when the ball drops?" "Come on." "We'll have a big party, and no one will know who's with who." "This is so not what I needed now." "What's the matter?" "Oh, it's Marcel." "He keeps shutting me out." "He's walking around all the time, dragging his hands." "That's weird." "I had a blast with him the other night." " Really?" " We played." "We watched TV." "That juggling thing is amazing." "What juggling thing?" "With the balled-up socks?" "I figured you taught him that." "It wasn't that big a deal." "Just balled-up socks." "And a melon." " Phoebe!" "Hi!" " Hi, Max." "Do you know everybody?" "No." "Have you seen David?" "No, he hasn't been around." "If you see him, tell him to pack." "We are going to Minsk." "Minsk?" "Minsk." "It's in Russia." "I know where Minsk is." "We got the grant!" "Three years, all expenses paid." "So when do you leave?" "January 1st." " What are you doing here?" " Max told me about Minsk." "So, you know, congratulations!" "This is so exciting!" "It'd be even more exciting, if we were going." "Oh, you're not going?" "Oh, why?" "Tell her, David." ""I don't want to go to Minsk to work with Lipson and Yamaguchi and Flank."" ""I want to stay here and make out with my girlfriend!"" "Okay, thank you, Max." "Thank you." "So you're really not going?" "I don't know." "I don't know what I'm gonna do." "I just..." "You decide." " Don't do that." " Please?" "But I'm asking you." "I can't make a decision." " Please, just..." " Okay." "Stay." " Stay." " Stay." "Getting so good at that!" "It was Max's stuff." "I love this artichoke thing." "Don't tell me what's in it." "The diet starts tomorrow." "You remember Janice." "Vividly." "Hi, I'm Sandy." "Sandy, hi." "Come on in." "You brought your kids." "Yeah." "That's okay, right?" "Party!" "That thing is not coming in here!" ""That thing"?" "This is how you greet guests at a party?" "If I showed up with my new girlfriend, she wouldn't be welcome?" "Your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate on my coffee table." "He was more embarrassed about that than anyone." "And for him to have the courage to walk back in here like nothing happened..." "All right." "All right." "Just keep him away from me." "Thank you." "Come on, Marcel." "What do you say you and I do a little mingling?" "All right I'll catch up with you later." "Oh, my God!" "Rachel, honey are you okay?" "Where's Paolo?" "Rome." "Jerk missed his flight." "And then your face exploded?" "I was at the airport getting into a cab when this woman this blond planet with a pocketbook starts yelling at me." "Something about how it was her cab first." "The next thing I know, she just starts pulling me out by my hair!" "And I started blowing my attack whistle thingy and then three more cabs show up." "So as I'm going to get into a cab, she tackles me!" "And I hit my head on the curb and cut my lip on my whistle." "Everybody having fun at the party?" "Are people eating my dip?" "When I saw you at the store last week it was probably the first time I ever mentally undressed an elf." "Wow, that's dirty!" "Hey, kids." "Look at him." "I'm not saying he has to spend the whole evening with me but at least check in." "There you are!" "You got away from me." "But you found me." "Here, Ross, take our picture." "Smile." "You're on Janice Camera." "Kill me." "Kill me now." "Everybody, it's Fun Bobby!" "Hey, sorry I'm late." "But my grandfather died about two hours ago." "But I couldn't get a flight out till tomorrow, so here I am." "Hey, Fun Bobby!" "How's it going, man?" "Whoa!" "Who died?" "It's going to be an open casket, you know?" "So at least I'll get to see him again." "I'm gonna blow this one up and I'm gonna write "Reunited" in glitter." "All right, Janice, that's it!" "When I invited you, I didn't think it meant that we..." "Oh, no!" " I'm sorry you misunderstood." " Oh, my God!" "You listen to me!" "You listen to me!" "One of these times, it's just gonna be your last chance with me!" "Will you give me the thing?" "Hi, Max." "Yoko." "I've decided to go to Minsk without you." "It won't be the same but it will still be Minsk." "Happy New Year." "Are you all right?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "I'm fine." "You're going to Minsk." "No, I'm not going to Minsk." "Oh, you are so going to Minsk." "You belong in Minsk." "You can't stay here just for me." "Yes, I can." "Because if I go, it means I have to break up with you." " And I can't break up with you." " Oh, yes." "Yes, you can." "Just say, "Phoebe, I love you, but my work is my life."" ""That's what I have to do now."" "And I say, "Your work?" "How can you say that?"" "And then you say, "It's tearing me apart but I have no choice." "Can't you understand that?"" "And I say, "No!"" ""No!" "I can't understand that!"" "Sorry." "And then you put your arms around me..." "Put your arms around me." "Sorry." "And then you tell me you love me and you'll never forget me." "I'll never forget you." "Then you say that it's almost midnight and you have to go because you don't want to start the year with me if you can't finish it." "I'm gonna miss you you scientist guy." "Hi, this is Dick Clark live in Times Square." "We're in a virtual snowstorm of confetti here in Times Square." "It gets better every year." "Here you go, kids." "And then the peacock bit me." "Please kiss me at midnight!" "You seen Sandy?" "I don't know how to tell you this but she's in the bedroom getting it on with Max, that scientist geek." "Cool, look at that." "I did know how to tell you." "Hey, everybody, the ball is going." "What?" "The ball is dropping!" "In 20 seconds, it'll be midnight." "And the moment of joy is upon us." "Looks like that "No-Date Pact" thing worked out." "Everybody looks so happy." "I hate that!" "Not everybody is happy." "Hey, Bobby!" " Four, three, two one!" "Happy New Year!" "I just thought I'd throw this out." "I'm no math whiz but I do believe there are three girls and three guys right here." "I don't feel like kissing anyone tonight." "I can't kiss anyone." "So I'm kissing everyone?" "You can't kiss Ross." "That's your brother." "Perfect." "So now everybody's getting kissed but me." "Somebody kiss me." "Somebody kiss me!" "It's midnight!" "Somebody kiss me!" "It's midnight!" "All right!" "All right!" "All right!" "There!" "I wanted this to work so much." "I'm still in there, you know?" "Changing his diapers." "Picking his fleas." "But he's just phoning it in." "It's hard to accept that something you love so much doesn't love you back, you know?" "I think that bitch cracked my tooth."