" Feel better?" " That feels better than better." "Feels like I can do this." "Friday night in Chatswin." "And a really dumb charity event for a really dumb charity meant instead of seeing my new boyfriend Scott Strauss I was forced to watch parents dance with their children." "To "Rock Lobster."" "I don't think it's normal for parents to hang out with their kids this much." "Well, my mom says that she's my only true friend and I should tell her everything." " And do you?" " I do." "And sometimes she nods off, but..." "I'm a private person." "I don't like people knowing my business." "Ladies and gentlemen." "I've been told by the Davenports that Amanda got her first period today." "Attagirl." "Just wanted to share that news with you." "Amanda is menstruating." "Mazel tov, Mandy, mazel tov." "There's a real sense of community." "Rock lobster." " Motion in the ocean" " Ooh-ah" " His air hose broke" " Ooh-ah" "Wow." "Looks like things are really heating up between the two of you." "According to Alan, there's no such thing as being openly gay in Chatswin." "Anytime we go out together, he's convinced people are watching us." "People are watching you." "That's what people do here." "Rock, rock" "Why don't you guys do something outside of Chatswin?" "At least you have the option." "That's what I would do if I were you." "Thank you, Chatswinians." "Living in a war-torn country can put an enormous amount of strain on the lumbar region." "Now, with your help, the CWB can correct spinal alignment regardless of political alignment." "Take a look." "Boring." "Raffle." " Can we get the raffle going?" " Okay." "I know we're all anxious to get to this, so without further ado let's raffle off the all-expense-paid trip to Atlantic City." " Jersey, baby." " We'll get started in a moment." "When I win, you're coming with me." "We'll have a proper guys' night out." "What are you...?" "What are you talking about?" "We just saw 300 together." "300 was a million years ago." "It was a matinee." " And I treated you to Sno-Caps." " Of which I had three." " You were saving the rest for Tessa." " She likes them." "So do I, George, all right?" "You're so busy being Father of the Year you forget to be Friend of the Noah of the Year." "Get your tickets ready, everybody." "Here we go." "Four, seven..." " ...three-teen." " I believe it's pronounced "thirteen."" "You know, I didn't criticize your stupid speech." "Hey!" " Aha, yeah." "I got it." "I won." " We have a winner." "Great." "Perfect." "I'm sure you and Tessa will have a blast." " Come on." "Don't be a baby." " No, no." "She'll appreciate the all-you-can-eat prime rib and Don Rickles." "Would you do me the honor of accompanying me to Atlantic City?" "We can do our guys' night out." "All the Sno-Caps you can eat." " Don't toy with me." " Nor me, heh." "Did I hear something about a guys' night out?" " For I stand before you, a guy." "Heh-heh." " Piss off, Fred." " The room sleeps six." " Yeah." " The more the merrier, right?" " The more the merrier?" "Alex and I would love, love the chance to escape our old balls and chains." "Sometimes you need to get down with your homeboys." ""Who you trying to get crazy with, ése?" "Don't you know I'm loco?"" "That's a Cypress Hill reference, for the uninitiated." "Heh-heh-heh." "Fred, don't you have to check with Sheila first?" "Ah, you may not realize this, Noah, but I have Sheila in check." "Heh-heh." "It's bad, Sheila." "It's real bad." "It's looking like she might not make it." "Oh, poor Aunt Elaine." "Bless her heart." " I know how dear she is to you." " Oh, she's very dear." "The most dear." "And if I don't rush to her side, she may not have a side to rush to." "Oh, Fred." "Your favorite aunt." "Oh, come here." "Let me rock you." "Let me rock you." "Aw..." "Fred, did I just feel you give the thumbs-up?" "It's not a Risky Business-type situation where you dance in your underwear have friends over and you start a brothel and sing on afloat in a parade." "Dad, you're mixing teen movies." "This is like an episode of Little House on the Prairie where Pa goes off to the mercantile and I stay home to loom you pants." "Perfect, I'm a 32 long." "But seriously, no parties." "It's been said and you heard it." "You have my cell phone number." "Uh, I left the number of the hotel in case anything goes wrong." " What if something goes wrong?" " Dad." "This is Chatswin." "Nothing goes wrong in Chatswin." "Isn't that the whole reason people live here?" "But with any luck Scott and I were going to go wrong in every room of this house." " Guys." " Oh." "Oh." " Ha-ha-ha." " Hey, hey." "All right." "You guys, we are going to party like it's our birthdays." "Whoo." "Heh." "Add a raspberry, George." "You'll thank me." "Don't mind if I do." "Thanks for guilting me into this." "I don't do this enough." "It'll be fun." "Are you kidding me?" "This is gonna be a lot of fun, hm?" "Fred?" "Oh, uh, gambling is happening." "Gambling is happening in this building." "I'm so close to the gambling." " What's going on?" " Oh, now I remember." "Fred has a really serious gambling problem." "This is bad." "I'm sweaty and nervous and a little bit horny." "All right." "Buddy." "Hey." " Relax." " Okay." " It's gonna be fine." "Have champagne." " Okay, okay." " Here you go." " Oh." "Heh-heh." "I'm trembling, heh." "I'm gonna gamble all my money." "You know, I'm gonna gamble and tremble until I lose all my money." "Maybe I should take that, actually." "Fred, you can have fun without gambling." "Just don't gamble." " We won't let you gamble." " Okay, okay." "Now, uh, this pile is for black." "This pile is for red." "Can't lose that way." "Heh-heh." "Now slots are for fools, but I'll take a stab at them." "Heh-heh-heh." " Fred, let us help you." "I mean..." " Don't touch my money, bitch." "Okay." "Remain calm." "Everything's gonna be all right." " Fred, take a deep breath." " Yeah." "Okay, okay." "It's Fred." "Heh-heh." "Fred's back." "Heh-heh-heh." "Sorry, I went a little nuts there." "Thank you." "Why don't you, uh, get freshened up?" "Splash some water on your face." " Put on a different shirt." " You look clammy." " Change those shorts." " Shorts, okay." "Thank you." "Thank you, you guys." "I really..." "I just want you to know I feel incredibly close to you all right now." "But I will slash your face in order to gamble." "You can't seduce Scott in that." "It has too many buttons." "Don't wear anything too complicated." "Yeah." "If Scott and I don't make it past the hand-holding stage..." "You will lose him." "Correct." "That's why we'll be doing a lot more..." " ...than we're comfortable with." " We?" "We're gonna give Scott everything we have." "Even the things that hurt." "What is that?" "It's my love box." "And I am lending it to you for tonight." "Oh, wow." "Okay, pfft." "Lisa, I think you have the wrong idea about tonight." "I was planning on keeping it syrup-free." "Just an old-school make-out sesh." "Tessa, you sound like a fool." "Scott's an older guy with older guy needs." "He's been to Africa." "Africa." "He's gonna wanna go tribal on you." "Are you sure that's not offensive?" "Look how she's looking at me, George." "Dirty girl." "Hey, have you eaten?" "Can I buy you a burger?" "Here." "Haven't heard from the little one, huh?" "She'll check in with me." "I'm not gonna hound her." "She's probably high as a kite right now and making love to a Trinidadian man." "Not gonna work, Fred." "You're not gonna scare me off." "Why would I?" "There's nothing to be scared of." "Tessa's perfectly trustworthy." "I'm sure you were too at that age." "Would it be weird if I had Dallas check in on her?" "No, not at all." "Ooh." "Nice work out there, Sheila." "Between your unstoppable backhand and my diligence at the net we are gonna dominate the mid-morning winter league." "Heh." " Oh, hey, George." " Hey, you got a second?" " Yeah." "What's crack-a-lacking?" " Oh, nothing." "Uh, it's just that Tessa is home alone for the weekend and I'm a little nervous she might cave and throw a party or something." "Oh, my gosh." "I hope she invites me if she does." "No, no, we don't want an unchaperoned party." "It's not that I don't trust her, I do." "I just..." "Well, I'd like you to check on her for me." "It doesn't sound like you trust her." "Who is that?" "Is that Fred?" "I'll trust her a lot more once I know for sure nothing's going on." "Listen, George, I consider Tessa to be one of my best friends and you are putting me in a difficult spot." " Come on, Dallas." " Well Steven is in Singapore this weekend, Dalia's at braid camp so I guess I could." "But I'm not gonna check in as some busybody neighbor." "I'll just see if she wants to hang." "As a friend." "Thank you." "What is it?" "I thought for sure that was Fred." "I sensed Fred on that call." " What are you talking about?" " A psychic connection." "If Fred even eats something that doesn't agree with him, I can sense it." "He just ate something that didn't agree with him." "Oochies." "Thousand Island bites back." "Is that Steven Royce?" "What a coincidence." "Thought he was in Singapore." "Do me a favor, don't call him here." "Steve-O!" "Finally, some alone time with Scott." "Now if I could just get him to focus on me instead of..." "That's how you make a Zambian eating mat.." "...or mphasa." "But bigger, and less plastic." "I'm sure you get this a lot, but you're fascinating." " I would love to travel like you did." " Well, it'll change you." "From the inside out." "But be prepared." "Africa's also filled with poverty and disease." " You have really brown eyes." " Thanks." "I meta man in Africa who didn't even have eyes." "Scott, I know you're really political and you have all this global awareness, and I think that's great but don't you wanna get tribal on me?" "That's offensive." "I think." "Hey." "George, what are you, uh...?" "What are you doing in the A.C.?" "What a surprise." "Heard you were in Singapore." " Who said that?" " Dallas." "Well, you sure like talking to my wife a lot." "Who could blame you, she's beautiful." " Yeah, so is she." " Huh?" "I don't like to eat alone." "It, uh, makes me depressed lowers my metabolism." "And by any chance you do talk to my wife again, I was in Singapore." "I have very important business in Singapore." " They want me to move there." " Really?" "Wow, that sounds great." "Even though I'd have to leave Dallas and Dalia..." " ...for the better part of a year?" " That's what Skype's for." "That is what Skype is for." "You know what?" "You're a smart guy." "I might have underestimated you." " Yeah, well..." " Plus, you'll be there in case anything goes wrong." "Right?" "Huh?" "Nothing goes wrong in Chatswin." "Isn't that the whole reason people live there?" "Holy crap." "You'll have to excuse me." "What's wrong?" "My daughter was a bit too anxious to get rid of me this morning." " Where's Fred?" " Fred?" "Oh, he crawled out, like, 10 minutes ago." "Dallas, what are you doing here?" "I'm on the dolo tonight and since you are too, I thought we could chillax or get jiggy." "Your choice." "Oh." "Oh, I see what this is." "George sent you here to spy on me." "What?" "I don't know..." "I am on the dolo." "You can't hide behind urban street slang, Dallas." "I see right through you." "And this is an invasion of my privacy." "You can tell that to George." "He's a fox." "Don't tell that to George." " So everything seemed quiet there?" " Real cozy." "Cozy?" "What...?" "What's that mean, "cozy"?" "Well, comfy-cozy." "No one was drunk, not too crunk, the joint was on point, pretty much." "Stop confusing me with street slang." "Oh, George, you have nothing to worry about." "Tessa's a great girl and that boy she had over was super nice." "Fully clothed." "She...?" "She had a boy over?" "Well, I don't know if he was a boy." "He had kind of a young, white Wesley Snipes kind of thing going." "George?" "So she's got a guy over." "What does it matter?" "We're guys." " I want to trust her, but I don't." " As the father of twins, I can tell you they're going to do exactly what they wanna do." "Times like these, I'm thankful my wife's barren." "Fred, where have you been?" " I did a bad thing." "Where are your pants?" " I bet them." "What are you gonna do?" "Burst in on your 16-year-old daughter and tell her you don't trust her to be alone for 24 hours?" "Don't be that guy." "I am sorry, Noah." "I'm not proud of it, but I am that guy." "Shh." "I bet everything on a dog named Lose All Your Money." "I figured a name like that's got to be ironic, right?" "Who's that?" " Tom-Tom called some freaks." " Who's ready to party?" " I am." " Whoo-hoo!" " Really?" "Yeah, ha!" "I have something that I want you to dock in my docking station." "Yeah." "I'll dock it all right." "I'll dock it all night." "Just stick it in gently because the bottom's a little cracked." "Come on!" "Okay." "Okay, come on." "Come on, Lose All Your Money!" "Not literally." "You know what I mean." "Come on!" "Oh, no, no!" "Lose AH Your Money fed from start to finish." "All right, Fred, how much?" "Should be a good payday for someone." "Fourteen." "Fourteen thousand." " You lost $14,000?" " No, I won 14,000." "And Sheila is gonna sense it." "Windfall." "What?" "Scott, right now, this is the only place in all of Chatswin where we can actually be alone." "Look, Tessa, I like you, I do." "And pre-Africa, I would have expressed that to you in a very physical way." "But post-Africa, I need to take things slow." "Why?" "I saw things, Tessa." "Things I wasn't ready to see." "Vaginal birth." "And there they were." "The two words that could put an end to any romantic evening." "So much for alone time with Scott." "Tonight was now about being alone." " Come on, man." " Let's go, buddy." "Open the door." "Go away!" "Leave me alone." "Sheila is going to kill me." "It's gonna be worse than the time she caught me watching Wild Things on cable." "Okay, maybe she's gonna be happy with the extra cash and will forgive you." "Have you met my wife?" "She is the least forgiving woman in the world and I will never find anyone as wonderful." "Hey, she never even has to know." "You can donate all the money to charity." "I'm ending it." "I'm ending it all!" " I'm calling the manager." " Yeah." "I got this." "Relax." "Hey, Fred, buddy." "Steven Royce." "Is there any mirrors in there?" "Yeah, there's one over the sink and one on the back of the door." "Okay." "Do me a favor." "Take a good look at yourself in one of those mirrors." "There's also a small one in the shower." "One of those non-fogging shave ones." "It doesn't matter what kind." "Just pick a mirror." "Okay." "Okay, I'm looking." "You're in a spiral, Fred." "You're in a downward spiral." "Okay?" "This is an ugly side of you, but you don't have to be ugly." "You don't." "You can take stock." "Make yourself better." "Yeah." "Okay?" "This is an opportunity for you to make yourself better." "Become better than what you were." "Not you two." "You guys stay exactly the same." "Okay?" " I'm gonna go see my mother." " I'm gonna go confront my stepfather." "No." "So sorry, man." "I know..." "I know this wasn't exactly what you had in mind." "Are you kidding me, ése?" "Fred actually did go loco." "And I docked something in a stripper's docking station." "Yeah, uh, a broken MP3 player." " Still, it was pretty awesome." " Heh-heh." "In fact, I'm beat." "I'm gonna go get some rest." "All right, man." "I'm gonna wait a few more hours till the sun comes up before I hit the road, even if it kills me." "I don't want Tessa to think I don't trust her." "She's a good kid." "You can trust her." "I trust her." "Of course, I'm less invested." " Good night." " Good night." "Dad!" ""Dad," huh?" "No George?" " Are you alone?" " Yes, of course I'm alone." "I was worried, I even slept on the couch." "I'm so glad you're home." "I should go away more often." "Ha-ha-ha, that was a test." "You passed." "You passed." "Sending your little spy over here." " Yeah, I knew you had a boy here." " And you still didn't come home." " You trusted me." " Of course I trusted you." " Can I trust you?" " Yes." "What?" "You can trust me." "I'm practically an adult." "An adult?" "Really?" "I guess you don't want the salt water taffy..." " ..." "I brought home for you then?" " Don't be stupid, George." " Give me the taffy." " Give me the blue one." "I like pink anyway." " Fred." " Oh!" "Good Lord, Sheila." "You, uh, startled me." "It's natural to be a little on edge after what just happened." "I, uh..." "I know you already know, but I planned on telling you everything." "You don't have to relive it, Fred." "It must have been painful enough just having been there when Elaine passed." "What?" "When she what now?" "When your Aunt Elaine died." "I tried calling her, but the phone just rang and rang and..." " And that's when I knew." " I knew you knew." "And so you must also know about the money." " Is that the windfall?" " The inheritance, yes." "She left us $14,000." "Minus a few incidentals." "I'm buying a new hose." "Making grilled egg and cheese." "Want one?" "Yes, I want one." "You gotta be kidding."