" ( silenced gunshot ) - ( grunts )" "Max, it was very nice of you and 99 to take me out to celebrate my birthday." "Oh, it's nothing, Chief." "The CONTROL baker made you a very special birthday cake." " We had it sent over." " Oh, for goodness sakes." " Isn't that nice?" " Pretty fancy, 99." "Now, let's see." ""Happy Birthday, Chief, from the gang at CONTROL."" "I don't see anything." "It's written with invisible icing." "You see, Chief, we didn't want to reveal your identity." "After all, you are the head of a top secret organization." "Good thinking, Max." " ( music plays )" " Oh, this must be the entertainment." "Look, Chief, this should be fun." "It's a magician." "( cheering )" "( German accent ) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "I am Siegfried the Great." "I am here tonight to prove that the hand is quicker" " than the eye." " ( cheers )" "I will perform and you will enjoy." "I shall now perform one of my most brilliant tricks." "I need a volunteer from the audience." "How about you, sir?" "You look like a man of imagination and daring." "I think he means me, Chief." "A man who is not afraid to face the terrors of the unknown." "I think he means you, Chief." "Have some fun." "It's your birthday." "No, 99." "I don't like to get up in public." " Oh, come on." " Go ahead, Chief." " Yeah, all right." " Just step up here, please." "( applause )" "Now, step inside this cabinet." "( drum rolls )" "I shall now make this man... disappear!" "Audience:" "Oh!" "Ooh!" "( applause )" "Terrific, 99." "Really terrific!" "( whispers ) Max, something's wrong!" " They're both gone, 99." " Look, there's a note." ""KAOS has your Chief." "You'll hear from me." " Siegfried the Great."" " We've got to get him back!" "CONTROL will be paralyzed without him, Max." "I know, 99, but first we gotta find that magician." "That's just as important." "I wanna question him personally." "To find out what he knows about KAOS?" "No, to find out how he did this trick." "( theme music playing )" "Carlson:" "What's being done about The Chief now?" "We have every available agent out looking for him, Professor Carlson." "Gee, 99, I'm really worried about The Chief." " I hope nothing has happened to him." " So do I, Max." "The Chief has never disappeared before." "Who's in charge of CONTROL now?" "Don't worry, Standish." "It's all taken care of." "I've been prepared for a situation like this." "Just a moment, Smart." "You have no right to take over" " The Chief's job." " And why not?" "I'm head of the agent section." "Well, I'm head of the lab section and Standish is head of the administration section." "And we have just as much right to be chief as you do." " Especially me!" " Now, wait a minute!" "Hold it, hold it, Standish." "We can't stand here and argue about it all day." "Let's stop this bickering!" "There's a very simple and intelligent way to handle this thing." "After all, there are official procedures, you know?" " Good, Max." " Now, this is the way we'll handle it" "I'll think of a number from one to 10." "Now, if either of you guess the number, you are chief." "If you don't, I'm chief." "Okay..." " Standish?" " Three." "Right." "Let's make it two out of three." "Smart, seems to me that only The Chief's superior can tell us who is in charge while The Chief is gone." "But we don't know who The Chief's superior is." "There's only one man who'd know The Chief's boss." " 99, I've gotta go right to the top." " Max, you can't call him." "I've got to." "Hello, this is Maxwell Smart of CONTROL." "I'd like to speak to-- oh... no." "No, no, no, no." "Don't disturb him." "I'll call back later." "Thank you." "Can't bother him now, 99." "He's having an emergency meeting at his ranch." " Top diplomatic conference, huh?" " No, it's roundup time." "Max, I know." "Let's check the secret compartment in The Chief's desk." "Maybe the name of his boss is in there." "Good idea, 99." " ( clicks ) - ( desk whirring )" "( bell dings )" "In case anything happens to me, contact my superior-- Zebra 6-4-2." "We're gonna have to look this up in The Chief's special codebooks, 99." "Zebra-- that's the blue book." "The blue book is the one with the green cover." "Since when does a blue book have a green cover?" "Max worked it out with the coding section." "In case of a KAOS infiltrator, every book has a cover identity." "You simply have a cover for a cover." "It says, "See green book."" "The green book is the one with the blue cover." "Max couldn't throw away a perfectly good book cover." "Ah, here it is." "It looks like it's in code." "It says, "Baker Able." "See telephone book."" "Where's the telephone book?" "The telephone book is right here by the telephone." "Able Baker, Able Baker," "Able-- uh, here it is." "The name of The Chief's superior is..." " "Abel Baker."" " Call him, Max." " ( telephone rings )" " Maybe he's calling us." "Uh, this is Maxwell Smart." "Smart?" "Siegfried the Great." "I will return your Chief, but there's something I want in exchange." "I would like to meet with you." "I'm not meeting you with you, Siegfried, until I know The Chief is all right." "How do I know he's still alive?" "I will let you talk to him." " Hello, Max, this is The Chief." " Are you all right, Chief?" " Yeah, I'm all right." " Wait a minute, how do I know you're really The Chief?" "You could be someone impersonating him." " Max!" " It's The Chief all right." "Max, don't bargain with KAOS." "I'm expendable." "My life" " Smart?" " What happened?" "Your Chief was just silenced by a pistol butt!" "That's a little drastic, isn't it, Siegfried?" "Couldn't you have just shushed him?" "We don't shush here!" "I will finish your conversation for him when we meet." "One hour from now, at the southeast corner of Potomac Park-- just the two of us." "I'm going to meet Siegfried." " You're not going to meet him alone." " Yes, I am." "No, Max, he's a KAOS man," "A thief, a kidnapper, maybe a killer." "99, sometimes you just have to go on trust." "Maxwell Smart?" "( clicks heels )" " Siegfried the Great?" " ( shoe phone rings, crunches )" " What was that?" " I think I just broke my shoe phone." "Shall we proceed with our little talk?" "Just a moment, Siegfried." " Are you armed?" " Of course not." "What's the matter, don't you trust me, Smart?" "That's the way you come to a peaceful meeting." "You oughta be ashamed of yourself, Siegfried." "How could you be so sneaky" "And treacherous?" "I suggest we check all weapons." "Good idea." " My revolver." " My revolver." "My machine pistol." "Come on, Siegfried." "My machine pistol." "My switchblade knife." "I don't have a switchblade knife." " Here, I have an extra one." " Thank you." "My brass knuckles." "My brass knuckles." "And my XKE500." "I have never seen a weapon like this before." " May I?" " Be my guest." "It shoots dumdum bullets." "It can rip a hole on a man the size of an ashcan cover." "( gasps ) Nasty little weapon!" "CONTROL issue?" "Don't be silly, CONTROL would never issue a weapon as vicious as this." "I got it from a mail-order house in Chicago." "Well, that's it." "Careful, that's my exploding wallet." "Where's yours?" "I must have left it in my other pants." "Here, I have my suicide pill." "It's raspberry this month." " Wanna try it?" " No, thanks." " Go ahead, it's not habit-forming." " No!" "Where's your suicide capsule?" "This is my suicide ring." "I will have to keep it on." "A suicide wedding ring?" " How does that work?" " Through my wife." "She told me if I ever take it off, she will kill me." "All right, enough of this, Siegfried." "Let's get down to business." " What's your proposition?" " If you wish to get your Chief back," "You will deliver to me the X11." "The X-- the X11?" "!" "That's out of the question, Siegfried!" "I can't give you the X11!" "No, sir!" "No X11!" "By the way, Siegfried, what is the X11?" "Your country's latest defense device!" "Oh... you know what I think, Siegfried?" "I don't think you even know what the X11 is." "The X11 is an all new laser-powered missile detector." "It's 12"x14"x4"." "It's completely portable, weighing only two lbs., eight and a half ounces." "And there are exactly three of them existence-- one being in the safe in your Chief's office!" "If you're so smart, how come you lost two world wars?" "You have my deal, Smart." "Deliver one X11 to me and I will deliver one live CONTROL Chief to you." "Agreed?" "Agreed." "Where and when?" "Right here, one hour from now." "Better make that two hours." "It will take us an hour to put all this junk away." "Think we'll get away with it, Max?" "I certainly hope so, for The Chief's sake." "Smart!" " ( clicks heels ) - ( shoe phone rings, crunches )" "Did it again." " Did you bring The Chief?" " Ja!" "( snaps fingers )" "Did you bring the X11?" "Yes, I have it right here." "Throw it to me." "Now you throw me The Chief." " ( thumps )" " You did it, Max." "Yes, I gave him a dummy X11, and he gave me a dummy Chief." "Yes, Siegfried, I understand perfectly." "99:" "What did he say, Max?" "He says that unless I deliver the real X11 to him within two hours, he's going to kill The Chief." "What are you going to do, Max?" "We can't exchange the X11 for The Chief." "No, but we can exchange the most important man in KAOS for him" " Karl Danker." " Their number one assassin." " Yes." " But how are we going to do that, Max?" "We don't have Karl Danker." "We will, 99." "I'm going out and find him and bring him in." "Oh, Max, please be careful." "Karl Danker has killed 19 CONTROL agents already and avoided capture every time." "He's tricky and shows no mercy, Max." "You'll be in extreme danger every minute." "And loving it." "Danker, freeze right where you are." "All right now, turn around slowly." "Well, Danker, I finally got you." "You've escaped capture by CONTROL 19 times." "20." "20?" "They told me 19." "Smart's right behind me." "Catch him as he comes in." " ( grunts )" " Sorry about that, fathead." "You better give up." "This building is surrounded by 40 CONTROL agents!" "Would you believe 30?" " One angry boy scout?" " ( gunshot )" " Girl scout?" " ( gunshot )" "( gun clicks )" "Now you're gonna get it the hard way." "Have you ever used one of those things before, Danker?" " No." " Well, why don't I come back a little later, after you've had a chance to practice?" "There's not gonna be any later." "This is your last chance, Danker." "You wanna be friends?" "Hold it!" "Uh, listen, I" "I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about fathead." "( both grunting )" "( grunts )" "Well, fella, I guess it's just not your day." "Well, 99, I have Danker safely tucked away in security." "Good work, Max." "Siegfried hasn't called yet." " ( phone rings )" " That must be him." " Hello, Smart here." " This is Siegfried." "Are you going to give me the X11, or does your your Chief die?" "Neither." "You give me back The Chief and I'll give you back Karl Danker, your number one killer." "I just captured him." "Well, this puts a crimp in my plans." "Now you have our top man and we have yours-- it's a stalemate." "I wouldn't count on that, Smart." "Hello, is this the answering service?" "Do you have kidnapping messages for Maxwell Smart?" "37-- uh, tear that up." "I already have that information." "Uh, what's your count?" "Six of ours and three of theirs?" "Oh, thank you." "( phone rings )" "Hello?" "Oh, hi, 99." "No, we're doing pretty good." "I think we're ahead." "Yeah, we have 27 of theirs and they have 26 of ours." "Hello?" "99?" "99?" "!" "Okay, that's it, hold it right there." "Now, KAOS has 99, but I have you, Miss Dvorcheck." "And that puts us one up on KAOS." "Now, if Siegfried wants you back, he'll have to give us 99." "But I would rather stay here with you." "That's out of the question." "( pouts )" "Well, of course these exchanges do take time." "Of course you know why I asked" " for this meeting, Smart." " Of course." " We've both run out of agents." " Exactly." "I have all the CONTROL personnel, and you have all the KAOS personnel." "Right, and it wouldn't do any good our kidnapping each other, because there'd be nobody left to do the negotiating." "Exactly." "Shall we start?" "Okay, a straight trade-- our Chief for your assassin Danker." "Agreed." "Now, we give you back your lab man for our lab man." "Hold on, Siegfried, everybody in the espionage business knows that our lab man is the top man in his profession." "Then what do you want?" "Our lab man for your lab man, and you give us $10,000 in cash." "This is ridiculous!" "KAOS does not make cash deals." "Well, I have an alternate offer." "Let's see now... we're a little weak in the administration department, so I'll tell you what we'll do-- we'll forget about the $10,000." "You give us your head bookkeeper and a minor accountant and options on two of your best garage mechanics." "This sounds fair." "We need some help in the coding section." "How about giving us Smithers in your deciphering department, and the first choice on the two best men graduating from your training school?" "No deal!" "We don't give away our trainees." "Forget it, Smart." "This could go on all day." "Let us wait." "Your Chief for Danker and we will get to the rest later." "Okay." "In one hour then, at our warehouse." "Hold it." "( foot snaps )" " Hello, Max." "Good to see you." " Good to see you, Chief." " Danker." " Siegfried." "All right, Siegfried, how do we handle this?" " Release Danker." " You release The Chief." " I don't trust you." " I don't trust you either." " Are you armed?" " If you like, frisk me." "Now you." "Well, are you satisfied, Siegfried?" "Very well, I will release The Chief." "And I will release Danker." "All right?" "All right." "Okay, that's it." "And now just to show you there are no hard feelings, a little magic trick." "Hey look, Chief, it's a rabbit." "Observe this." "Hands up!" "The old gun-in-the-rabbit trick, and I fell for it." "Up, up!" "Well, Siegfried, magic is a two-way street." "Okay, Siegfried, it's my turn." "Big deal." "It's only a magic gun." "The old lighter-in-the-gun- in-the-rabbit trick." "You will now release the rest of my KAOS agents, and I will release the rest of your CONTROL agents." " I don't trust you." " I don't trust you either." "Okay, I've got a suggestion that will guarantee we both live up to the bargain." " What?" "!" " Hostages" "You leave Danker with me, and I'll leave The Chief with you." "Right, Chief?" " Wrong, Max." " "Wrong, Max."" "Okay, how about this?" "I'll go with Danker and you go with Siegfried." "Do you wanna go with Danker?" "I'll go with Siegfried." "Do you wanna go with Danker and Siegfried?" "Well, how about me going with Danker and Siegfried?" "Just you and I, huh, Chief?" "The mass exchange seems to be going all right, Max." "Perfect, Chief." "Max:" "CONTROL Agent Harris for KAOS Agent Heinicke." "CONTROL Agent Blackhawk for KAOS Agent Bodie." "Mr. Standish, I would like to apologize for the blow to your ear when I kidnapped you." "I hope you didn't impair your hearing." " What?" " Never mind." "Hi, 99." "Nice to have you back." "I'm sure it is, Max." "I just spoke to Miss Dvorcheck." "She's a liar, 99." " Auf wiedersehen, Smart." " So long, Siegfried." "And from now on, leave the spying to us." "Have we got all our agents, Max?" "I think so, Chief, but I'll double-check just to make sure." " Yes, they're all here." " Then let's go." " We can't." " Why not?" "Siegfried kidnapped our bus driver." "( theme music playing )"