"# There,s been 9irLs that have stolen our hearts" "# They,LL never Let us in and say" "# Boys will be boys" "# till the end #" "Nathan!" " who is it?" " open this door, you bastard!" " open it!" "whichever Way you look at it, this Was not a happy woman." " Hi." " I hate you." " What have I done?" " you know!" " I dOn,t, honest." " you Liar!" " rosa, please!" " you know..." "YOu know What you,ve given me." "What,s a little infection amongst friends?" " you sure?" " you think I make this up?" "NO, but you could have got it from someone else." " you think I sleep around?" " NO." "I no Like you, you Lying, Cheating piece Of scum." " Oh, god." " you dOn,t Care What you dO." "YOu dOn,t Care about anybody else, do you?" "I dO..." " you Put me at risk and you Lied to me." " I didn,t Lie." "YOu made me think there Was something between us." "There Was." "YOu know, I really Like you." "SO that,s Why you gave me this little Present to remember you by?" " Why didn,t you tell me?" " I didn,t know." " I dOn,t believe you." " Why not?" "because you never tell the truth." "YOu never face up tO things." "I only hope you have the guts to tell the Other poor women about your little Present." "The truth..." "dOesn,t hurt, Nathan." "only the Lies." "That is so unfair." "A situation Like this?" "Of course I,m gonna tell people the truth." "DOesn,t bear thinking about, does it?" "Er..." "well..." "I may have given you the clap." " This better be a joke." " I,m sorry." "YOu stupid bastard, Nathan." "YOu know What this means?" "only too well." " Fi,s given me the clap." " sorry." " I Can deal With her being unfaithful..." " I know how it looks." "I Can explain." "DOn,t bother." "I dOn,t ever Want to see you again." "And then the Penis really will be Out Of the condom." "Mind you, if I,d only Put it there in the first place..." "Hiya." " I wondered if I,d see you here." " I,m working." "I just happened to be Passing." "I come here for breakfast." "Mm-mm-mm-mm." "Yeah, at six in the morning?" "This is When I start work." " your paper round?" " If I told you, you WOuLdn,t believe me." "NO." "I WOuLdn,t." "I,m the tooth fairy." " DO you Want to get a butty?" "Cheers." "DOn,t know how you get up this early." "See?" "YOu,d be a shit tooth fairy." "And how,s rosa?" "YOu Liar!" "She,s fine." "Yeah." " Why?" " She,s your girlfriend." "NO." "believe me, that is well and truly Over." " SO are yOu feeling OK, then?" " Fine." " Sure?" "positive." "What,s wrong With you?" " nothing." " SO Why are yOu being so strange?" "It,s just you look a bit pale." "Thanks for the compliment." "I saw you taking some pills." "Yeah." "Evening primrose, not that it,s any Of your business." " told you I had nothing to worry about." " Number 35." " good Outfit." " Thank yOu." "well, if yOu Can." "Yeah, I Can." "YOu say." "Jase TindaLL." "Dr ChOWdhry." "SO, I Was doing some Case notes at work and you know What?" "I found myself doodling your name." " really?" " Oh, yeah." "The Last time I did that, I Was in a geography lesson." "We Were meant to be studying tectonic plates Or something." " still dOn,t know What they are." " It,s Where the earth moves." "Ah..." "well, that is obviously the connection." " I thought We Were going Out for lunch." " Ah, see, I dOn,t have time." "We Can have some coffee." "Has anyone ever told you, Mr TindaLL," " you have lovely gLutes." " I,LL make the coffee." " you Can do anything you Like..." " Get Off." "I,m serious." "Oh, yeah?" "I am gonna have tO get you a key." "Mr coleman." "I,m Dr Reeves." "I,LL be conducting your examination this afternoon." "SO I understand you,ve been contacted by a former Partner." "Er, a girlfriend." "well, she reckons she may have got, er... that I may have given her... er, the clap." " SO you had unprotected sex." " She Was a catholic." " oral sex?" " well..." " Er..." " you Can,t remember." " It Was dark." " anal?" "." "It Wasn,t that dark." "We,LL need to swab your mouth." "My mouth?" "They dOn,t Warn you about that in cosmo." "DO yOu Want to drop your trousers for me?" "Lift your T-shirt." "believe me, there are only two things that smell Like yesterday,s kiPPers." "And only One Of them is kiPPers." " There is some urethra discharge." " Mmmm." " Any Pain Passing Water?" " It,s not the best." "I,LL get a sample and send it to the Lab." "In the meantime, it,s your duty to tell your recent sexual Partners about your condition." "If I had a death Wish." "Ah!" "My..." "god." "Shit." "I,LL give you a tip." "Yeah, What?" " I,m always Off On a Thursday afternoon." " you bastard." "It Was work." "Cheers." "YOu better take that." "I,LL make us that coffee." " Hi." " Is anythin9 wron9?" "I,m fine." " You didn,t answer." " Oh, I COuLdn,t find my phone." " you OK?" " Is Nathan still coming round tonight?" " Yeah, I asked him." " well, you Can pick up the dessert, yeah?" " Yeah." " Where are yOu?" "I,m With a client." "Make sure you get home before Nathan." "coffee,s On." " sorry." " That,s all right." "I,m new to this." "I haven,t..." "well, I haven,t done this before." "Hey." "YOu dOn,t have tO explain." " Take sugar?" " milk." "OK, Nathan, this swingers, Party We talked about." " Yeah?" " It,s all set up for you to go this Weekend." "That,s just What the doctor Ordered." "Friend Of mine runs the club and normally they dOn,t accept single guys but I said What a stud you are and she said she,d fit you in." "SO..." "Give her a ring." "It,s your chance to prove yourself." " Oh, and Nathan?" " Mm?" "swinging isn,t a spectator sport." "Make sure you,re ready to siphon the python." "It,s certainly venomous right now." "Hi!" " SO have We all had a good day?" " Busy, busy." "I haven,t...sat down all day." "nor me." "I,ve been up tO my arse..." " I know the feeling." " open Wide." "Mm, that Was great." "There,s no Pud." " Puddings are childish." " That,s Why I thought Nathan might Like One." "I,m fine." "As long as there,s a Party bag." " Is everything OK?" " Er, I should have picked up Pud." " She seems a bit..." " NO." "Just do What she says and no One will get hurt." "I,ve never seen her angry." "YOu,ve read revelations?" "relax." "YOu dOn,t know Why she,s angry." "could be all kinds Of reasons." "would you Like me tO dry?" " TO What?" " TO dry?" "Try it again With a silent R and the answer is yes." "preferably in a slow and painful Way." "But..." "Wh..." "Why?" " What have I done?" " Just go and get Pissed With Jase." "Need a hand Washing up?" "It dOesn,t take three people to Wash up One course, Jase." "I dOn,t think it,s about the Pud." "Is arsehOLe One word?" " Yes." " Hm." " What about tOssPriCk?" " DOesn,t exist." "Yes, it does." "I,ve never heard anyone called a tOssPriCk." "well, the night is still young." "Here,s something you will have been called." "TOsser?" "I Win, I think." "Maybe We should play a new game." "Yeah." "Let,s play the RizLa game." "HOW about..." "happy families?" "SO..." "I,m a man..." "Am I dead?" "I would say so." "Right." "would you say I Was Liked?" "NO." "Didn,t think so." " you,re a complete bastard." " There,s a surprise." "SO far I,ve been Genghis Khan, AdOlf hitler." "Every time I,m some evil tyrant." "well, you,re not this time." "Jack the ripper." ",The binding cell surface allows bacteria to enter the host cell" ",Where it Can Live and replicate.," "DOn,t you just love the internet?" "It tells you everything you dOn,t Want to know." ",The incubation period Can be between five to ten days.," "obviously, that dOesn,t include Weekends and bank holidays." ",There,s a 75 Per Cent risk Of infection to your Partner through sexual contact., 75?" "Oh, god." "I hope Fi and Jase are going through a dry spell." "sorry I forgot to get the Pud." "sorry I reacted." "I,m a bit tired." "I just Want a hug." "Oh!" ",celibacy and the lord will save you from STD.," "I mean, some Of the stuff On here, it really is..." "CLaPtraP." "But anything,s worth a go." "PLease, god, I,ve never asked you for anything before and..." "I know I,ve not always Lived a Pure Life but please, lord, dOn,t Let Fi have it." "And also... dOn,t Let Jase catch it." "Even though, well, I know you dOn,t Like POOfs." " you had breast implants?" " you think I,ve done too much?" "NO, I Like a man With cleavage." "That hurts!" " Maybe just drop a bra size Or two." " I,m Warning you!" "OK, OK." "SO, er..." " HOW,s everything going?" " Fine." " work,s going well." " Yeah?" "And Fi,s OK?" "Last night she Was a bit..." " She,s probably just tired." " you think?" "Yeah." "Maybe you should buy her some flowers Or something?" "Mm." "Get myself a buLLet-PrOOf vest." "He,s not the One that needs it." "75 Per Cent?" "I dOn,t Like those Odds." "I Was just arranging a bout." " thought you needed to get to work." " well..." "I just Wanted to make sure you,re OK." "I,m fine." "Listen, mate." "I-I COuLdn,t ask you in there, but..." "well, I thought..." "well, I Was wondering if, you know..." "Er..." "What happened..." "well, you getting together With your friend..." " Mani." " Mm." "well, I Was just wondering if yOu and Fi Were all right in... the bed department?" "NO problems there, mate." " Yeah?" " definitely." "Why?" "well, you know, I just thought maybe the risk meant you maybe had a bit Of a limp..." "Oh, get stuffed!" "Oh, all right." "Stud." " We,re Like rabbits, mate." " Right." "This is the new release Of..." "Nathan!" " HOW Was Suzy?" " Er, yeah." "Great." "Did you swing it With her?" "well..." "Nathan, you,re not scared about going to a little swingers, Party?" "honestly, a swingers, Party is just a very intimate experience shared With 6O Or 7O Other people." "I,m not worried." "ALL you,ve got to do is Write a hands-On, bLOW-by-bLOW account" "Of good, OLd-fashiOned, muLti-Partner rOgering." "I Can tell you right now that sounds Like good, OLd-fashiOned agony." "SO is it the idea Of having sex in front Of Other men?" " NO." " I thought you,d be keen." "lots Of different Partners." " In the end, it,s just the same." " Oh, yeah." "It,s Like Patting your head and rubbing your stomach." "Or Patting someone else,s stomach and rubbing their..." "SO What,s the problem?" "I,ve got bird flu." "I,ve got..." "sounds Like..." "It is a problem." "What am I gonna do?" "Lie." "Like you normally do." "Make the story up." "Pretend you Went to the swingers, Party." "Peggy knows the host." "anyway, it,s not just work." "I,m worried I may have Passed it On." "And if I have... then I,m gonna lose this girl I,m really keen On." "And then she may have Passed it On to my best mate and Oh, god." "They,re both gonna hate me and never speak to me again." " This is One Of your usual girls?" " NO, she,s different." "believe me, I,d go to IKEA for this woman." " Have you told her she may have it?" " It hasn,t come up in conversation." "It would be far better for her to hear it from you than for her to have tO discover it for herself." "YOu think so?" "TeLL her the truth." "That Way she might respect you for your honesty." "If nothing else." "And you never know, maybe she,LL understand." "It,s surprising What people will Put up With for love." "Maybe he,s right." " I dOn,t know how to say this." " What?" "I,ve had to go to the clinic." " I think I may have given you something." " Oh, shit." "I know." "It,s my fault." "And I know you,re gonna hate me, but I Wanted to tell you the truth." "I could never hate you, Nathan." "I,m just glad you could be honest With me." "I feel something Like this Can only bring us closer together." "It,s a nice theory." "would you Like to see a sexual health adviser?" " I,m fine." " This Was a One-Off incident?" "Oh, yeah." "That relationship is Over." "I,m single." "YOu,re confident you know how to engage in safe sex?" "always Wear a condom." "And if yOu engage in oral sex, you know What to do?" "well, I dOn,t mind having some lessons." "DOn,t brush your teeth beforehand, OK?" " Right." " In Case your gums bleed." "It,s exactly What my mum used to say." "She Was very strict about that." "She Was all Over me." "NO wonder there,s a shortage Of hospital beds." "Hiya." "Hi." "What,s so urgent?" "I,ve got the clap, mate." "I,m fairly sure it,s you who gave it to me." "And the question is..." "who gave it to you?" "YOu must have realised." " Have you never had it before?" " Never." "YOu just thought it had a runny nose?" "I dOn,t know, I just..." "I ignored it." "god, you really are in denial, Jase." "And What about your sweet little girlfriend?" " I hope you haven,t given it to her." " Oh, god, I hope not." "Right." "But you seem very Certain it Wasn,t her that gave it to you." "And if it Wasn,t her and it Wasn,t me..." "well..." "It,s no big deal, Jase." "These things happen." "Yeah." "YOu Can tell me, you know." "someone I picked up." "OK." "It Was this guy." "This Was before I met you." "Oh." "And I thought I Was the first." "ALL right." " Where,d you meet him?" " The gym." "It Wasn,t anything, I just saw him a few times." " And you think it Was him?" " well, he told me." "It Was just a guy, it Was stupid." "SO stupid." "well, a word Of advice, if yOu,re gonna pick up guys." "Never shag anything bigger than you Can Carry." "I,m not doing it again." "SO who Was your first guy?" "come On." "I,LL show you mine if yOu show me yours." "look at What you,ve already told me." "Isn,t it better?" "I,m sorry, I should have said." "should have told you about the infection." "Hey." "A sexual infection shared is a sexual infection halved." " Why Can,t you tell me?" " because." "I dOn,t know." "Hey, it,s OK." "Jase, it,s all right." "I dOn,t know Why I dO it, I just..." "It,s something that happens." "I,ve been doing it for years." "The first time I Was 18." "It Was after a Party." "bloke gave me a Lift home." "But then We Went back tO his place." "We stayed up for drinks and then..." "It,s just something that happens sometimes." "does that mean I,m gay?" "I dOn,t know." "It,s killing me." "well, maybe it,s good you got the clap." "Being honest With everyone may not be as terrible as you think." "I need to tell her." "There you go." "YOu Can stick the lot Of it in the bin." "Here,s the rest." "stick your sausages up your arse, mate." "Maybe now isn,t a good time." " Straighten your knees." " I dOn,t Care." " I Wanna do kickboxing!" "Again, not a good time." "finally." " Oh, sorry." " Be careful, mate." " What,s your rush?" " Oh, I Was just, er..." " Erm, sorry." " DOn,t bother, I,LL do it." "Fi!" "Fi!" " excuse me, mate." " Yeah?" "Maybe it just Wasn,t meant to be." " HOW many chances do I have tO give you?" " Uh?" " Are you still doing this swingers, Party?" " course." "YOu aren,t doing much about it." "I just spoke to Suzy." "Oh, I Was just about to ring her." "I,ve had to spend half an hour trying to convince her you,re the man for the job." "Let me tell you something, Nathan." "I dOn,t bend Over backwards for any man." "And When I dO, I expect something damn good in return." "I Want you at that Party." "There,s your invite, you be there." "Or dOn,t bother coming in On monday unless it,s for your P45." "I,LL be there." "I dOn,t know What the etiquette is, but I,m sure the invite dOesn,t ask you to bring your own venereaL disease." "got my results from the clinic." "Treatment is seven days, antibiotics and in the meantime, it,s nil by dick." "What am I gonna do?" "It,s only 36 hours till the swingers, Party." " Peggy will do her nut if I dOn,t go." " Ring in sick." "I could ring in dead." "Maybe you should be Less worried about who you,re going to give it to and more concerned about those you already have." " Have you told the girl yet?" " not yet." "Oh, well." "hope you have a fun Weekend." "What?" "looking Like this?" "Nathan, I look Like the elephant Man." "The elephant Man?" "That Was william Hurt, Weren,t it?" "Oh, no, who am I thinking Of?" "Er, yeah, that,s it." "Um, john Hurt." " I didn,t see it." " Why do you dO that?" " What?" " It,s What you dO all the time." "ALL your problems, they,re because you avoid." "YOu dOn,t face up tO things." "Think Of all the things I,ve had to face up tO." "I know how I look." "I Can,t shave." "It,s the electrolysis." " It,s getting better." " It,s infected." "It damn well hurts." "Maybe you,d know that if One day you could face talking to me about it." "YOu Can be a lovely man, Nathan." "But I COuLdn,t be your girlfriend." "I,d Want someone who could be honest With me." " Oh!" "sorry." "your test results have come back positive for gonorrhoea." " But nothing else?" " NO." "We tested for HIV, chlamydia, hepatitis." "YOu,re fine." " But I,LL need to take another swab." " Why?" "TO test drug resistances." "We Want to give you the antibiotic that,s going to do the job." "POP your things Off." "What you,LL need to do now is inform all your sexual Partners." "We do have a contact tracing service, if yOu Prefer." " What does that mean?" " you dOn,t have tO talk to the person." "NO." "NO, I,LL do it." "Hi, Jase, er..." "I,m on my way home." "I don,t know if you,re 9onna be there, but... there,s somethin9 I need to talk to you about." "OK, so she,s still not answering." "She,s On her Way Over here to kill me." "I just dOn,t Want her to do anything she might regret." "Oh, god." "What are yOu trying to do to me?" " Is this a bad time?" " Why, What is it?" "What,s uP?" "YOu Want to go for a drink?" "I,ve COPPed a dose." "OK, that's it." "Game Over." "He knows about me and Fi." "I,ve been such a bloody idiot." " What?" " I knew that guy Was dodgy." " Mani?" " It Wasn,t Mani..." " who gave it to me." " Right." "In fact, I think I gave it to him." "SO you,re saying... there,s someone else." "Kind Of." "Hi." "I haven,t seen you around." "Listen, I,ve been trying to call you." "I,ve got..." "I,ve got the clap." " What?" " I,ve got the clap." " DO you Want to go for a drink Or..." " NO, no." "NO, I,ve got to go." "I Was just arranging a bout." "SO all along, you got it from a bum bandit." "NOt that there,s anything wrong With a bum bandit." "SOme Of my best friends are..." "well, not you, clearly, but..." "I Like ,em." "I envy ,em." "It,s a man,s world if yOu,re a poof." "Let me get this straight." "I,m innocent." "totally innocent." "come On." "ALL We,ve gotta do... is make sure Fi dOesn,t catch it from you." "I feel so much better for telling ya." " sometimes it,s good to tell the truth." " Hey, tell me about it." "SO all this stuff you,ve told me, all this stuff With Mani," "What does it mean?" "Are you gonna tell Fi?" "If yOu Want, I could talk to her." "Maybe Fabian,s right." "Maybe it,s fine to tell Fi the truth." "YOu,ve given me the clap." "That,s not true." " I may not be able to have children." " Listen, Listen." " you disgust me, Nathan." " But I didn,t." "It Wasn,t me, it Was Jase." "Jase is gay." "Or...bisexual." "I,m not sure What he is." "But Whatever, he,s not been faithful to you." "What are yOu talking about?" " Remember the night We got together." " What a huge mistake that Was." "Remember he disappeared, yeah?" "He Was With Mani, With this guy." "He,s still seeing him." " you,re sick." " OK." "I know sometimes I,ve Lied to you." "god, I,ve had to make up all kinds Of Lies." "I had to." "Jase is my best mate." "But also because..." "I didn,t Want you to get hurt." "I,ve Wanted to tell you." "I know you,re gonna hate me." "And you,re right, and I should,ve... but..." "He,s seeing a guy?" "DO yOu believe me?" "My god, he gave me..." "I,m sorry." "Are you OK?" "Thank yOu." "Be careful." "YOu dOn,t Want to get the clap." "Take more than the clap to keep me away from you." "Besides, you,ve already given it to me." " Oh, Nathan." " Hey." "Can,t think Of anyone I,d rather catch it from." "I Can,t believe you,re not angry With me." "well..." "YOu,d be surprised What people will do for love." "If OnLy Life Was that simple." "If yOu Want, I could talk to her." "There,s no reason for her to know." "But..." "I thought..." "I,ve been so fucking stupid." "What am I doing?" "I Wanna be With Fi." "She,s the most amazing woman." "god, how many guys would Like to be in my position?" "I Wanna have kids, do all that." "I Wanna have her kids, lots Of them." "lots Of little Fis." "I,ve got all this." "A great Life." "Us." "I,ve been risking all that." "If I ever, ever get Out Of Line again, just shoot me." "DOn,t worry." "I,m gonna sort my Life Out." "honestly, mate, this...this is gonna be the thing that makes me and Fi." "The only thing is..." "What if I,ve given her the clap?" "DOn,t worry, mate." " She WOn,t find Out." " HOW do you know?" "I,ve got an instinct about these things." "YOu,ve given me the clap." " I,m sorry." " I may not be able to have children." " I know." " you disgust me, Nathan." "This could destroy my relationship With Jase." "YOu,re supposed to be his mate." "YOu dOn,t Care, do you?" "look at you." "YOu Can,t even say anything." "YOu,re a shit mate." "In fact, I dOn,t Want you even hanging around With him any more." "Jesus, What Was I doing?" "Jase is such a great guy." "He,s looked after me, he,s been there for me." "I Want my head examined." "HOW could I ever have considered looking at a sleazy LOWLife Like you?" " I dOn,t know." " What,s worse... yOu knew you,d given me the clap and you didn,t have the guts to tell me." "What the bloody hell am I gonna do if Jase has got it?" " If Jase had it, he,d,ve told me." " Yeah, COs you,re his best mate, aren,t you?" "I,m sorry." "Oh." "rosa Was right." "It,s never the truth that hurts." "It,s the Lies." "sorry, I,m Late." "That,s OK." " Beer?" " Yeah." "I,m not used to it." "Truth is, it,s not usually me who,s doing the Waiting." "well, you,ve been honest With me." "normally..." "I,m a OnCer." "I know it,s bad, but I,m not even interested in someone,s name." "When We met, that,s What I used to do." "Right." "But then quality and quantity dOn,t normally go together." "I think I Was Pissed that night." "YOu Weren,t that Pissed." "I just Wanted to tell you so you know What I,m Like When I,m Left tO my own devices." "But since I,ve been seeing you, I,ve not been shagging around." " That's lucky." " Oh, yeah." "cos half Of old trafford would be down the clap clinic." "I just Wanted to be straight With you." "YOu have got a lot to answer for, Jase TindaLL." "well, I,m sorry, then." "I LOve Fi." "What does that mean?" "It means..." "I LOve Fi." "And that's it?" "Wait, you,ve gone away..." "Have you spoken to her?" "I dOn,t even know What,s happened..." "Let,s..." " Let,s talk about this." " What Can I say?" "Have a fucking conversation With me." " I,ve said..." " Jase..." "I,m sorry." "I WOuLdn,t dream Of it." "I,ve got to be careful." "I mean, god knows What I might catch." "Hi." "I,m Suzy." "Are you Peggy,s friend?" " Ah, no." " Oh." "NO, you,re looking for Nathan." "I think that,s him." "The truth is, Lying to someone is OK, if it,s for their own good." "Or if it stops you getting muLLered by Peggy." "Er, yeah, I have an appointment." "I WOuLdn,t look at that if I Were you." "If yOu dOn,t have it, you dOn,t Wanna know." "And if yOu dO have it, well... yOu really dOn,t Wanna know." "Ergh." " NO, I,m all right." " you WOn,t catch anything." "Bit Late for that." "YOu know What,s wrong With these posters?" "They never look Like someone you,d really Like." " NO." " Ah, well." "Life, love and..." "STD." " none Of them happen the Way you think." " NO." "Never from someone you really Like." "Makes it worse, I think." "YOu Can get Over the infection." " That,s easy." " Yeah." "A few days, it,LL all be gone." "ALL trace Of him." "Ah, well, he Was totally confused." "He didn,t know What he Wanted." "He,d,ve made a shit boyfriend anyway." "Number 52." " See ya." " Yeah." "Hiya." " ALL right, mate." " I Was just Passing." " I haven,t seen you." " NO, well..." "actually, it Was..." "I Was gonna invite you, mate." "Let me have another word With Fi." "DOn,t." "She probably Wants, you know..." " just the two Of yOu." " Yeah." "well, maybe." "Yeah." " I gOt the aLL-CLear." " SO have I." "I Was gonna say..." "Have you got everything?" "It looks Like you have." "YOu,re not doing your smoky sausages again?" " not that smoky." " ALL right, LOW-tar sausages." " Yeah, What would you know?" " I,ve fried you the Odd egg." " The White Wasn,t cooked." " It Was egg tartar." " With potato tartar?" " That,s how I Like my chips." "What, still frozen?" "We just need a bit Of time." "Yeah." " See you, mate." " Yeah, see you."