"This is an issue, gang." "I'm sorry." "I couldn't find any tissues." " So I apologise." " Would you like a clean handkerchief?" " It's linen...!" "I'm afraid to say, constituents often cry in my surgery." "So I find it very useful to have a clean handkerchief." " I can imagine that so clearly." " I thought you might." "Good evening." "Welcome to Have I Got News For You." "I'm Mel Giedroych." "And in the news this week, on a well-deserved break in Tenerife," "Sports Direct's Mike Ashley dives effortlessly into his swimming pool." "At Chevening House, as Boris Johnson, Liam Fox and David Davis all bring their pets for the weekend, it's a tough day for the local dog walker." "And at his constituency in Tatton," "George Osborne denies he's still obsessed with austerity as he makes a few adjustments to the village Christmas tree." "On Ian's team tonight is a Conservative MP who, in 2007, married Helena de Chair, who I believe was one of a set of six." "Please welcome Jacob Rees-Mogg, MP." "And with Paul tonight is creator and star of Citizen Khan, the funniest thing to come out of Birmingham since the estimated completion date of HS2." " Please welcome Adil Ray." " Thank you." "And we start with the biggest stories of the week." "Paul and Adil, take a look at this." " PAUL:" " It's Theresa May." "That's the House of Commons a long time ago." "The England cricket team." "There we are." "And they are setting fire to the EU fire regulations." "There she is again." " There was a judge asleep there." " There was a sleeping judge there." "That's an appalling slur, right at the top of the show." "The suggestion that it was so dull in court he'd be asleep..." " Don't you think that's appalling?" " Indeed." "I'm shocked." " Good." "LAUGHTER" "The wigs are very hot, though." "So maybe he was just having a quick..." "Are they usually wide-awake, the judges you appear in front of?" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "In the Supreme Court, they don't wear wigs." "They are rather modern in the Supreme Court." " They just where ordinary clothes." " They come as The Supremes." "LAUGHTER" "This is the news that Parliament backed Theresa May to trigger the Brexit processed by the end of March next year." "The papers seemed pretty clear." "The Telegraph had..." "The Eye had..." "The Express went with..." "While the headlines on the 10 o'clock news on the British Bremoaning Corporation on Wednesday didn't even Bremention it." "So who was this a victory for, Labour or the government?" " What do we think?" " Oh, huge victory for the government." "A triumph for the Conservative Party, for Mrs May and the Chief Whip." "LAUGHTER" "This is the post-truth era." "It was a bit of a climb-down, though, wasn't it, to say, "I'm not going to tell you the plan."" "And then say, "Well, we will tell you the plan."" "We've been told the plan." "We are leaving the European Union." "Brexit means Brexit." "And..." "No, that's the aim." "What's the plan?" "That's what happens at the end of a two-year process." "That is it." "We leave." "And it's been very clear from the other side, from Mr Tusk and Mr Barnier, that we can't cherry-pick, that there is no such thing as hard Brexit or soft Brexit, there's either Brexit or remaining in the European Union." "But Mrs May uses this metaphor of a cliff edge." "And that was your leader." "That was her own metaphor, "We don't want to go over the cliff edge."" "She used a better metaphor, so you'd have "a red white and blue Brexit"," " which is the one I prefer." " Right." " So you're cherry-picking her metaphors." " I am, yes." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Let's have a little look." "Is it hard, soft?" "Is it grey, white?" "Actually, we want a red, white and blue Brexit." "That is the right Brexit for the United Kingdom." "Hang on a minute, no mention of brown there." "I know what she's up to." "It's a wonderful patriotic way of putting it." "We all understand exactly what she means." "She's going to go... into these negotiations, like Boadicea on her chariot and is going to come back with a fine success for the United Kingdom." " What, with the knives going there?" " LAUGHTER" "How did the Star make this story more fun, while not exactly making it any clearer?" " Theresa May with her kit off." " Oh..." "Almost, yes." "Yes, almost." "Have a little look at this." "We go up the body, Geri, Geri..." "Theresa." "I didn't see anything like that in the Financial Times." "But then, they are terrible Remainers." "Well, people who know what they're talking about with the financial markets." "APPLAUSE" "But, Jacob, am I right in saying that you wanted a hard, white Brexit with a runny yolk." " You're absolutely right, yes." " Is that right?" "You're absolutely spot on." "I think that's how we should have it." "We should have an absolutely solid and clear Brexit, but we should be generous to our European friends, as far as we possibly can be." "When you knock the top off your egg of a morning, Jacob, are you a peeler or are you a slicer?" "Do you know, I'm all in favour of Brexit, I never have breakfast." " So I can't really..." " Brexfast." " Or Brexfast." " ADIL:" " His butler does it, come on." "You're asking the wrong person." "Perhaps he doesn't walk around in daylight." "LAUGHTER" "We've covered that." "It's all right, we'll carry on." "Good." "Excellent." " I love this, it's brisk." " Yes." "Bloody brisk." "Have you got somewhere to go?" " I do, actually." " Channel 4." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Now, the Daily Mail insisted that it was right to discuss the 11 Supreme Court judges' backgrounds." "And why not?" "Given that they will be passing judgment on what will be an issue that affects the lives of everyone in the country, here they are." "Here are the 11 judges." "Er...that looks like a picture of your stag party, Jacob." "Nine went to Oxbridge, nine went to public school, two of which are old Etonians and there is one woman." " What, only two old Etonians?" " I'm afraid so, Jacob." "LAUGHTER" "Most of them are in prison these days, so..." "LAUGHTER" "What's the official title of the government's lead QC," "James Eadie, do you know?" "Jimmy." " Jimmy Eadie." " LIVERPUDDLIAN ACCENT:" " How you doin', Jimmy?" "All right, are ya?" "Not too bad, you know, now I've become like aa top lawyer an' all that." "Is it Treasury Counsel or some title like that?" " Treasury is correct, but he's got another little..." " Treasury Tag." " No." " Treasury..." " Chest." "Treasury Deer." " Treasury Devil." "Is absolutely right." "Well done, Jacob." "Now, who is everyone's favourite judge?" "Who's proving to really be the kind of star of the Supreme Court, certainly on social media?" " Judge Rinder." " LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" " There's another one, though." " Is there?" " Jonathan Sumption." " Yes!" "Shall we have a look at him?" "He's got very lovely hair." "And yes, he's got a big brain." "Look at that forehead!" "He's written the authoritative history of the Hundred Years' War at the same time as being a very leading legal figure." "He is a most extraordinarily clever man." "How does he keep his head going up like that?" " Well..." " That's amazing!" " He's got a hairdryer up his trousers." "LAUGHTER" "That's what he tells the wife anyway." "This court case, of course, is pretty momentous." "It's all been extremely exciting." " Shall we have a look at the riveting workings of the Supreme Court?" " Yeah." "Sadly, we're not actually allowed to show you any footage from the court, but do you think it'd be possible to sort of stage our own repertory theatre Crown Court here?" "I'd fight anybody who said we couldn't do it." "All right, good." "I've got some scripts here." " Paul, I'd very much like you to be Lord Pannick." " Lord Pannick." "Adil, please will you take the part of Lord Clarke?" "Jacob, I'd like you to be Lady Hale, please." "And, Ian, please, the President." "No expense spared here on Have I Got News For You." "We've got wigs, we've got ruddy wigs." "I know, Jacob, you said they don't have wigs in the Supreme Court." " They don't." " But tonight they do." "Just go with it, Jacob." "So two comedy judge wigs for you." "Now, of course, we need a..." "APPLAUSE" "Which way do they go on?" "I'm afraid I'm not wearing a wig." "Come on!" "Wig!" "Wig!" "Wig!" "AUDIENCE CHANTS:" "Wig!" "Wig!" "Wig!" "Wig!" "CHANTING AND CLAPPING CONTINUES" "I'm not wearing a wig for the very obvious reason I'm a Tory" "I'll happily put it on the desk in front of me." "All right, my love." "That's good, that's good." "Well done, Adil." "See, Adil's wearing a wig." "I'm wearing a wig." "They accuse people like me of not integrating." " High Court judge!" " APPLAUSE" "I've reached the top." "Stop!" "In the name of love..." "Where's Diana gone?" "Where's she gone?" "Paul, I very much like the way one flap is sort of back" " and one is forward." " It's deliberate." "It's very alluring, it's very alluring." "Flirting." "Ian, we've got the President for you." "Who is the President?" "Oh, sorry, I said, "Could we get a President wig?" I think..." "It's Trump, isn't it?" "They might..." "APPLAUSE" "There's been a bit of a mix-up at the wig store." "Sorry, Ian." "Catch." "Catch." "Jacob..." "AUDIENCE BOOS" "Oh, what, just because Jacob's not wearing a wig," "Ian's not going to wear one, either?" " Well..." " Oh." " I think we've won this round already." "It's amazing the number of people" " who think they've got dignity to lose, isn't it?" " Exactly!" "APPLAUSE" "APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH" "Now, it's about the pronunciation of the name in an old case." "OK, lovely, so..." " Gents, let the drama begin, my darlings." " I'll kick off, shall I?" "POSH ELDERLY VOICE:" ""De Kee-ser."" ""I will call it De Kee-ser."" ""You say De Kee-ser, I say De Kai-ser."" "INDIAN ACCENT:" "APPLAUSE" "Very strong." "Oh, ladies and gentlemen, rounds of applause." "I tell you what, if we keep these on, they'll have to use it." " They won't be able to cut it out." " Exactly." "We've got 'em on now." "You should have thought of that before you handed out the props." "Way-hay!" "Look at this!" "We've having a party." "The Supreme Court panel includes Baroness Hale and ten lords, for whom this is a particularly busy time of year, as they have a lot of a-leaping to do." "APPLAUSE" "One of the Supreme Court judges is Lord Clarke of..." "..which I can only assume is some public school version of rock-paper-scissors." "APPLAUSE" "(I think we were right not to wear the wigs.)" " I think you're right." " Jacob, what did you whisper just then?" "Something about the wigs?" "I said I thought the two of us were right not to wear the wigs." "They're still here if you change your mind." "You know, it wouldn't be beyond the wit of the production team just to sort of have a photograph of you and just sort of computer Photoshop the wig on top." "But the BBC wouldn't behave in such a disgraceful way." "Well, I've given them half an hour's warning." "APPLAUSE" "Ian and Jacob, take a look at this." "Ah, this is a by-election being held today." "I don't think he's won." "That's the Lib Dems." "That's a fish, he's not a Lib Dem." "And that's Zac." ""Something fishy here," says the fish." " "I thought" " I - had a bad day."" "By-elections - we had one last week where very sadly Zac Goldsmith lost his seat and we've got one in Sleaford and North Hykeham today." "We will have the result by the time this is being watched." "And I expect it'll be a gigantic victory for Conservatism and therefore a day of rejoicing and song." "It was a big Tory majority that was overturned, though, wasn't it?" " Yeah, in Richmond." " We didn't have a candidate in Richmond." "Zac was standing as an independent." "Why didn't the Tories have a Tory candidate?" " Um, why didn't the Tories have a Tory candidate?" " That's what I asked." "Yes, um..." "Because we thought it might reduce Zac's chances of winning." "But why did you want him to win?" "He'd just said, "I resign."" "Because he had been a Conservative before and, to be perfectly honest, we didn't want the Lib Dems to win, which was a worse result than an independent winning and sadly that worse result came to pass." " Sort of in spades, really." " Well, not really - they've gone from eight to nine in the House of Commons, which I don't think is going to change the world much." " Zac lost for the second time in a year." " Yeah." " It's not a good year for him, was it?" " He's had a heck of a year." "Of course, he lost the London mayoral election to Sadiq Khan after a campaign that involved a little bit of scaremongering about Muslims." "And who else became embroiled in this issue this week?" "Oh, yes, the American author who said that London is becoming Islamic." " Yes." " Yes, yes." "Janie Johnson is her name and she tweeted this..." "Now, Janie's tweet was met with a variety of responses." "APPLAUSE" "Yep." "That is now known as the "Burqin"." " The "Burqin"?" " Yep." "Somebody else responded to Janie..." "APPLAUSE" "The Labour candidate in Richmond lost his deposit." "Do you know any of the issues that he is big on?" "One of them was not getting anyone to vote for him." "That became quite a big issue." "There are more members of the Labour Party in Richmond than people who voted for him, which is quite poor if you can't even get your own members to vote for you." "According to The Telegraph..." "Probably needed toilet paper when he saw his results coming through." "Does he champion the bidet?" "Oh, I don't like a bidet." " Don't you?" " I don't, no." "Two days before D-Day, did you know that?" "It's true." "True story." "I don't know." "Jacob, how do you feel about a bidet?" "Is it non-you, is it a bit non-you?" "Very Continental." "LAUGHTER" "What you think Zac might do with all this free time that" " he's suddenly got?" " Well, I hope he'll come back into politics." " He looks a bit broken, though, Jacob." " Oh, he's made of tough stuff." "No, he's got..." "like his father, he'll bounce back." "It'll be really hard for him to go back to those millions and his big house." "Really tough for him." "How will he survive?" " His father was always sueing you." " Yes." "Your predecessor, more accurately." "His father wanted Private Eye to be shut down." " He tried a criminal libel action." " He did!" "You've got a very good memory for these things." "I don't take it personally, I just hope he... is never seen again." "LAUGHTER" "Zac may want to follow in the footsteps of highly respected former leading lights of their parties, Ed Balls and Michael Portillo." "Have a little look at this." "These words were first sung by Chancellor Norman Lamont after he screwed the economy." "There they go." "Happy, happy people." "Happy smiling people." "Just hope they know the way out." "Yes, there they go." " Did they actually hear the music?" " I don't know!" "I don't know." "What was Michael Portillo doing?" "He looked like a sort of weird donkey, didn't he?" "His legs were all over the shop." "Who did we learn is quite thin-skinned this week?" " Boris Johnson?" " Yeah." "Ministers have been ordered to stop making jokes about him in a bid to banish his..." "Do you think people might take Mr Johnson more seriously if he actually learnt to dress himself properly?" "Have a look at this." "I think that is exactly the attire you would expect a dashing young foreign secretary to have." "Give us an approximation of where your tie goes down to tonight." "Is it a little short job or is it a low-slung...?" "My...tie goes to a suitable level for a tie to go." "LAUGHTER" " Are we still talking about ties?" " We're talking about ties." "But that is ludicrous." "I think it's perfectly reasonable to have a long tie." "It's more of a noose, really, isn't it?" "Now, Jacob, you supported Boris for the leadership, didn't you?" " Yes, great man." " Until he was..." "And very popular on Have I Got News For You?" "You supported Boris until he was stabbed in the back by Michael Gove, then you supported Gove until he was knocked out." "Then you supported Andrea Leadsom." "Presumably that was, kind of, just for a laugh." "In any case, are you really a fan of Mrs May and the chief whips?" "Oh, absolutely." "There is, um...greater zeal in a convert than there is in somebody who starts off down the road, though I certainly accept that my predictions during the Conservative leadership campaign were not always correct." "You see, you can do the diplomacy thing, whereas Boris really can't do it, can he?" " Yes." " Oh, I don't know." "I think he's marvellous." " A jolly good fellow." " You're just being silly now." "No, I'm not, I'm not." "I think he's a great representative for the country on the world stage." "People want to meet Boris, they're interested in him." "They want to be offended by him, they want to..." "The row today is that he said something that most people know to be true." "So I can't see why people should be too upset." " I think the shock..." " But then Mrs May said it wasn't true!" "Then Mrs May said it didn't fully represent government policy," " that's a different thing." " LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "This is the Sleaford and North Hykeham by-election that's happening as we speak." "As has become tradition, the by-election featured three joke candidates who stood for the Monster Raving Loony Party, the Bus-pass Elvis Party, and the Labour Party." "According to The Times, the Green Party were offered £250,000 to sit out the Richmond by-election, but..." "..as it was going to be paid in meat-based fivers." "According to a recent review of social integration, newcomers to this country could soon be made to swear an oath that encourages immigrants... ..which these days presumably goes," ""I do solemnly swear to shout at myself on buses" ""and tell myself to piss off back where I came from."" "And onwards to Round Two." "Oh, I love this one." "The Picture Spin Quiz." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "BELL RINGS" " That's Mark Carney." " Yes." " The governor of the Bank of England, who says we shouldn't worry about anything we're worrying about at the moment because all our jobs will be taken over by robots." "You are bang-on." "All these robots coming over here, taking our jobs." "Jobs meant for us Pakistanis." "I remember Harold Macmillan saying exactly the same thing." ""Jobs for us Pakistanis"?" " LAUGHTER" " I knew it!" "Andy Haldane, the Bank's chief economist, did have some slightly reassuring news." "What jobs did he deem safe from the robo-invasion?" "Robot-making jobs." " They're going to do well." " Good." " They're going to do really well." "Undertakers." " Ooh, kind of..." " You don't want to be buried by robots, do you?" " ROBOTIC VOICE:" " You will be sadly missed." "LAUGHTER" " Hairdressers." " Yes!" "Hairdressers, Ian." "Oh, you're kidding." " ..apparently." " Well, nannies are indestructible." "Why might robots not be an immediate threat if you work in a laundry?" "They're allergic to steam." "Rusts them up." "Good, we should all get into water-based industries." " ROBOTIC VOICE:" " I have a superior intelligence, but it's steam." "I cannot take this steam." "You're really enjoying that character, Paul, aren't you?" " You're really good at robots." " Well, there's a reason for that..." "Go on, then." "IMITATING DALEK:" "Can you do a Dalek?" "Brex-terminate!" "Jacob, come on." "Robot!" "Robot!" "Robot!" "Jacob, we've all done them." "RHYTHMIC CLAPPING Come on, Jacob." "I would if I could, but I can't." " ADIL:" " That was brilliant!" " LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "According to BBC News, Panasonic have invested $60 million and 10 years in developing the..." "Yeah!" "It's..." " That's a long time!" " 10 minutes?" "!" " I know!" "The NHS has already started using robots." "A robot is replacing the NHS's only registered..." "The NHS used to employ one man - one man - to offer up his rectum to teach students how to carry out examinations." "He is being replaced by a..." "And here it is." "CRIES OF DISGUST" " ADIL:" " What's that?" "!" "What is that bit between his legs?" "!" "We're all thinking that, aren't we?" "What is that?" "!" "Is it the end of Boris Johnson's tie?" "LAUGHTER" "That patient is beyond having his rectum examined." "Look at him." "He's got no legs, no torso." "What's up his arse is the least of his troubles." "Does it make the noise?" "AARGH!" "Or..." "Mm!" "Oh, you'll have to take me out for dinner now." "Now, which politician have some people suggested might actually be a robot?" " Dr Liam Fox." " No." " No?" "He's got wires coming out of the back of his head." "Hillary Clinton." "Mainly because she claps like this." "If that was a pair of cymbals she'd be doing really well in the 1812 Overture." "Yes, although Michael Gove has also been under some suspicion." "At least from Laura Swift on Twitter, since she noticed his human suit malfunctioning." "Yes, this is Mark Carney's warning that 15 million jobs may be at risk from robots." "Just Eat has delivered its first takeaway using a delivery droid." "The customer was delighted with the service until he failed to tip and the droid vaporised his house with a thermo laser." "Meanwhile, a robot has gone berserk, injuring bystanders at a Chinese tech fair." "Here is the robot." "It looks like someone's thrown one of Little Mix into a flip-top bin." " Fingers on buzzers, please." " Yeah, absolutely." " There we go." " Person Of The Year." "Oh, yes, Time magazine, you're right." "As if the year hadn't been bad enough." "And it's very prestigious." "There were a huge number of people up for the award." " Nigel Farage was one of them." " Farage was up." "There are small mercies." " Do you know who else was in the running?" " No, anyone." "Well, death, famine, war, plague..." " Vladimir..." "Vladimir Putin." " Putin was up?" "Yeah, Putin was up for it." "Nigel Farage and..." "What has Trump previously said about Time magazine in a tweet?" " Oh, tell us." " Well, in 2013 he tweeted..." "And even last year Trump tweeted in response to Angela Merkel winning..." "Now, to be fair, Time has not exactly been very consistent with Trump either." "How have they previously covered him, do you know?" "Honestly." "They've been rather put off by some of his antics." "They have indeed." "Here's their cover from August." "Here's this week." "What have people been noticing about this image of Trump on the cover of Time?" "Do you notice anything there?" " Oh, do you think it's a subtle devil joke?" " Exactamundo." "They think the M has given Donald horns." "There you go." "And how did Time explain that?" ""Incredible accident." "We don't really pay a lot of attention to what's on the cover." ""The person taking the photograph wasn't the person designing the background." ""They should have met, but they didn't really and we thought we'd get away with it."" "They said it was a common occurrence." "Everyone from Margaret Thatcher..." "Donald Trump is a controversial choice, but being chosen as Times Person Of The Year isn't necessarily an endorsement." "The award has previously gone to some of the most notorious figures in history, including Hitler, Stalin and Bono." "Donald Trump has risked offending China with a series of late-night tweets." "Tensions between the President- elect and China could lead to a diplomatic incident." "If Trump ever visits Beijing, there are fears that the Chinese might grab the bird's nest off his head and turn it into soup." "Fingers very much on buzzers, please, teams." "This is about the Turner Prize, isn't it?" "Yeah." "Spot-on." "It's the news that a massive arse has just missed out on winning the Turner Prize." "So what did win?" " A sort of collection of bits all stuck together." " Yes." "It's basically a load of old rubbish." "Same as every year, sure, sure, but this year it was on purpose." "Macclesfield born artist Helen Marten carefully arranges objects from everyday life, including..." "..to create sculptural poems like this." "Does that speak to you, Jacob?" "Do you like that?" "It doesn't speak to me." " ADIL:" " It's a bit Blue Peter, isn't it?" " JACOB:" " But I think you need the one that was made earlier." " WOMAN GROANS" "She loved that over there!" "Clearly supported you." "Mrs Rees Mogg, welcome!" "Hi!" "Now, Michael Gove certainly was not impressed." "What did he tweet?" "He thinks it's all rubbish and ugly and gloomy and so on." "He said in his tweet..." "Hard to pull off, I think, cultural snobbery, when you're tweeting like a total #unt." "Now..." "LAUGHTER" "Gove also thought that the prize was a celebration, albeit a celebration of..." "Come on, Mike, things are going to pick up." "Shall we have a little look at some of the other entries?" "I'll show you one of their works and you have to guess what it's about." "What is going on here?" "Is it the entrance to the new giftshop?" "MEL SNORTS" "Now, what's this one about?" "Have a look at this one." "Never have a suit made by a bricklayer." "It's not a suit I would choose." "It's another work, actually, from Anthea Hamilton's show." "Sounds a bit like Jamie Oliver calling his kids in for dinner." "It wouldn't be the Turner Prize, of course, without the Turnip Prize, which featured terrible punning works of art." "For example, 2013's winner was this." "A Play On Words." "Oh..." "So, teams, buzz in if you can guess what this year's entrants for the Turnip Prize are called." " What do we think?" " Bricks It." "MEL GASPS Very strong, Ian." "Absolutely." "That's bricks spelling out the word "It" to make Bricks It." "Well done." "Anyone would think I'd worked as a terrible journalist." "Have a look at this one." "This is a Barbie Doll giving birth to a party blower to make...?" "Sorry!" "It's Boris Johnson's tie yet again!" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" " She is in..." " Labour." " Yes." " Labour blows something." " No." " Labour Party." " Labour Party!" "Well done." "I think you both get that." "Very good." "And finally here is this year's winner of the Turnip Prize." "This is a black pole to make...?" " ADIL:" " Oh, Pole-Dark?" " Yes!" "Well done." "Absolutely right." "Can't believe I'm so pleased with myself for getting that right!" "This is the announcement of the Turner Prize." "One of the losing entries was..." "And that lost!" "Tough year." "Time now for the Odd One Out Round." "Kim Jong-un, Zacchaeus," "Mike Ashley, and Lois Olsen." "BELL RINGS" " We know the topical ones." "Zacchaeus..." " Hmm." "Um..." "He was a tax collector, and was therefore shunned by a lot of people in those days who didn't want to pay taxes." "How much things have changed." "Is it not about tax?" "Not to do with taxes, but it is to do with money." "Well, that's the man from Sports Direct." " Mm-hmm." "Mike Ashley." " Who didn't pay people enough." "Well, they've all earnt money, but she's won some money." "Oh, you haven't mentioned Kim, Kim Jong-un." "It's more to do with him." "He's the only one in charge of a rogue nuclear state." "APPLAUSE" "They all have too much money apart from Kim Jong-un, who's had to start selling dog-meat ready meals to raise money for some nuclear warheads." "Absolutely true, apparently." "So who is Kim planning on selling his dog-meat ready meals to?" "Dogs." " Is he hoping to export them?" " Yes." "Is it the first of our new, exciting trade deals?" "Dog meat from North Korea." "According to The Sun newspaper..." "Included in the range is powdered dog, to which you just add hot water." "Presumably called Not Poodle." "Predictably, the story did cause a stir in the comments section on The Sun Online." "Well, actually, there was just one comment." "Stephen Bentley wrote..." "Now, you mentioned the older lady in the foursome." "80-year-old Lois Olsen, that is, from Canada." "She won 50 million in the lottery this week." "How did she react to the incredible news?" " NORTHERN ACCENT:" " Bloody hell!" "She's from Canada." " Oh, right." " AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:" " Bloody hell!" "She's from Canada." "LAUGHTER" "Yeah, she says..." "Can anyone tell me some unusual things that would be more likely to happen to you than winning the lottery?" " Struck by lightning?" " Mm-hm." " Playing centre forward for Burnley." "According to the Independent, you're more likely to be hit by part of a plane falling from the sky, die from flesh-eating bacteria, be crushed by a meteor, give birth to identical quadruplets, become an astronaut, win an Oscar or..." "Why did Sports Direct's billionaire Mike Ashley have cause to regret having so much money earlier this year?" " What happened to him?" " He took out a wad of £20 notes" " in front of his staff and got a certain amount of comment." " Yeah." " They were 50 quid notes, actually." " Were they?" "There we go." "Here he is." "Look at this." "In the Bible, Zacchaeus was described as..." "Zacchaeus was particularly despised by the Roman stand-up comedian Jimmius Carrus." "Oh, hang on, Jacob, sorry." "Yeah, I've just got word in from the Photoshopping department." "Let's have a little look at this." "LAUGHTER" "Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features as its guest publication, Carrot Country." "It's got a regular medical page, entitled What's Up, Doc?" "And we start with..." "The three dwarfs who didn't make it into the pantomime." "Purple, Scrawny and Pungent." "Hey, Snow White." " JACOB:" " A carrot." "It is, of course, to do with carrots." "The answer is..." "Carrot Country reveals that carrots used to be purple, red and black until orange carrots as we know them were bred by the Dutch." "So, selective breeding made them orange, just like the Trump family." "Next..." " JACOB:" " I'm sticking with carrots." "Is it deaath?" " Close." " Heaven." " No." " Devon." "No." "The answer is a nuclear bomb." " Really?" " Yeah." "The Metro reports that the Russian RS-28 Sarmat missile is..." "Which ideally would be France." "Next." "Carrots." "Jacob, are you just going to say carrots for every single answer?" "Well, I got one right and we got a point, so I might get another." "I know this one." "It's 25 Liberal MPs." "They're building slowly, but, you know, in 200 million years, they're going to be right back up there." "It's 25 hours in the day because the Earth is going slower." "And therefore we're going to have an extra hour in the day." "You're absolutely right, there'll be 25 hours in a day." "Next..." " Of the carrot." " JACOB:" " It's got to be the carrot." "You're absolutely right." "It's the year of the carrot." "Bang on." "That's according to the vegetarian option of the Chinese horoscope." "And next year is the year of the brassica, so do put that date in your colander." " GROANS" " Very good, I like that." "Next..." "Nuclear war." "Snowmen?" " Weevil." " Oh, well done!" " What?" " Paul, that's absolutely right." " Is it?" " Yes." "The answer is..." " I didn't even know I knew that!" " That's brilliant!" "Next." "Carrots under cover posing as international playboys in French bars." " FRENCH ACCENT:" " It looked like a carrot, but I am an international playboy." " ADIL:" " Carrots under cover Isis sleeping cells." " Ohh!" " Carrots under cover grow bigger than those that are not under cover." "I'll have to give that to you." "The answer is carrots under cover..." "This is the tip for carrot growers to cover the earth with black plastic sheeting." "Another way is to put extra soil and compost on them." "Mm, the plot thickens." "And finally..." "Carrot." "It's riding a horse." "Oh, very strong, Jacob, absolutely right." "Have we got the picture?" "It's a very good picture." "We've absolutely got the picture." "Or as it's also known, the North Korean set menu for two." "GROANS" "So, the final scores are, on 7, Paul and Adil, but on 10, Ian and Jacob." "It's an extraordinary win." "Amazing." "How?" "I've no idea." "No idea." "On which note, we say thank you to our panellists," "Ian Hislop and Jacob Rees-Mogg, Paul Merton and Adil Ray, and I leave you with news that, as Donald Trump continues to select his White House team, there's a successful application for the post of Oval Office intern." "Campaigning in Lincolnshire, a confident Nick Clegg points the way to number 76." "And after putting an extra-large Christmas cake in the oven, disaster strikes for Paul Hollywood as he eagerly decides to lick the bowl." "Goodnight." " Jacob, do you mind if I have a blow?" " No, no, by all means." "LAUGHTER" "No wonder you got 10 points."