"HANK:" "Previously on Royal Pains." "administrator:" "You let a billionaire hospital trustee die to save some kid off the street." "I made a judgment call." "You made a mistake." "EVAN:" "This trip is gonna get you back on your feet." "HANK:" "What trip?" "EVAN:" "To the Hamptons!" "Stay in my guest cottage for the summer." "This thing you have, it's genetic." "Quite fatal." "I'd like to start making some calls." "Dr. Marisa Casseras." "You don't want your dad to see how far you've come?" "When my mom got sick, he just walked out on us." "What you did was gutless and pitiful." "In the last three days I found the most wonderful man." "Hi, boys." "You are gonna love the new script." "We've really dimensionalized your character." "Fleshed out his backstory, given him a girlfriend." "I have a girlfriend?" "Beauty and the Beast." "It's timeless." "I'm guessing I'm not the beauty." "Plus, the girlfriend will really shore up our female demographics." "But I live in a landfill." "Used to." "Now you live in Miami." "This isn't the minor leagues anymore." "It sounds great, but I'd like run it by Faith." "Hi. I am so sorry I'm late." "I forgot the name of the restaurant." "Oh, is that the shooting script?" "Hot off the presses." "I have a girlfriend." "In a landfill?" "Miami." "You are going to love this." "We'll see when I read the script." "(CHUCKLES)" "So how long will you be in the Hamptons?" "A week." "Oh, then you must come to a party that I'm having on Saturday." "We'd love to." "Oh, great!" "This is so exciting." "It's my son Bowen's birthday." "He'll be 1 1 ." "He is your biggest fan." "Terrific." "Uh, okay, well, I'll let you two take care of the business stuff." "Oh, Donald, a question." "Do you travel with your costume?" "Because I'd love it if you could come in character." "Sure." "Love to." "Oh, fantastic." "Thank you, sweetheart." "(police siren wails)" "License and registration, please." "Sure." "I saw you weaving while you were pulling out of the restaurant parking lot." "You have any drinks while you were in there?" "Just a diet cola." "You want to step out of the vehicle for a second?" "And, um... (STAMMERS) Step over to the curb." "All right, I'm gonna give you a field sobriety test." "What I'd like you to do is take nine heel-to-toe steps towards me." "All right, sir, I want you to stop." "My legs." "Sir, I'm not gonna ask you again!" "(GRUNTS)" "EVAN:" "I hate having to hitch a ride." "Why are you having lunch with Newberg anyway?" "Look, if Eddie's gonna be around and get tangled in our lives, I can't control it, but I can warn her." "So you're choosing our client over our dad?" "Exactly." "I just don't understand why you have to say anything at all." "What the hell is that?" "Yeah, I need backup." "Whoa!" "Whoa, whoa!" "What do you think you're doing?" "He's suffocating." "He's a doctor." "Look, you have to uncuff him now." "No, I'm not letting Mongo loose." "Look, he's got positional asphyxia." "The only thing he's trying to get at is some oxygen." "Please." "(gasping) lt's gonna be all right." "I got you." "Evan, help me roll him over now." "Let's go." "There you go." "There you go." "Oh, my God, it's the Garbage Collector!" "Deep breaths." "Deep breaths." "That's the Garbage Collector." "Oh, my God!" "Let's get him up." "Let's get him up." "How?" "(GRUNTlNG)" "Oh, boy." "Oh, boy!" "There you go." "Are you okay?" "(BREATHES DEEPLY)" "That's it." "Slow, deep breaths." "Oh, my God, I'm a humongous fan of yours." "Humongous." "Forever." "Like, I've seen every one of your movies." "I read the interview with Fangoria last month." "Epic!" "You want a picture, don't you?" "I would love..." "Well, I mean..." "Yeah, I would love a picture." "Okay." "Oh, my God." "Okay, here you go." "No." "Just..." "All right." ""Cheese" on three." "One, two, three." "Cheese!" "Garbage Collector I cost like what, like 100 grand?" "It grossed $80 million." "80 million!" "You must have made a killing off that, right?" "Evan, would you please..." "What?" "I got paid $700 for three days' work." "What?" "Are you serious?" "I didn't have any lines in the first one." "I mean, I wasn't complaining." "It was better than being a bodyguard." "Arnold Schwarzenegger's bodyguard." "Right?" "Arnold Schwarzenegger?" "Right." "That's so cool." "By the way, Garbage Collector IV, the last one." "By far the best one, by far." "It made Garbage Collector III look like Garbage Collector I." "What does that even mean?" "How much do I owe you, doc?" "(clicks) I think we can call it even." "(CHUCKLES)" "Mmm." "I shouldn't have eaten that cake, Hank." "I should have just applied it directly to my thighs." "Okay." "So this is, uh..." "This is a little awkward for me." "Hank, I'm not trying to replace your mother." "What?" "No, that's..." "Your father is a wonderful man, but we're just dating." "Though he is hard to resist." "Did you know he's bringing sexy back?" "I wasn't aware it had left." "But you should know..." "He's not after my money, if that's what you're worried about." "Well, I..." "He told me all about his financial problems." "How he borrowed money from you, and he was embarrassed when he paid you back late." "He told you all that?" "We have no secrets, Hank." "Well, maybe I kept one or two." "Yeah, he may have also." "You know what?" "My last name is reserved." "Would you excuse me a second?" "I don't know how I can make it clearer." "That table is reserved for someone else." "Yes." "And let me make this very clear." "I don't get that table, I'm talking to your manager." "Uh, is everything okay here?" "Yeah." "Hi, Hank." "Hi." "I heard you were having lunch over here, and I thought maybe I would join you for coffee." "I was asking for an extra chair." "I've got a busy day." "I'm gonna get going." "Thanks for meeting me, Ms. Newberg." "So great to see you." "What are you going to do with that?" "I want to send this to a lab in the city to look for newly identified gene mutations that could be pertinent to your situation." "And if they find them?" "Well, then, we'll know which direction to head in." "There are a number of places doing good work in this area." "Open up, please." "UC San Diego, Berlin, Buenos Aires." "How strangely refreshing." "There's one study by your research contact in Cuba," "Dr. Casseras, that seems particularly promising." "But I've had a difficult time reaching her." "Yes." "Okay, well, I'll let you know as soon as I hear back." "All right." "Thank you, Hank." "(banging ON DOOR)" "Oh, my God, that's him." "That's crazy, he's at my house." "Okay, try not to gush." "Uh, I don't think I will." "I was talking to myself." "This is awesome." "This is awesome." "Hi." "Hello." "Just as you described." "Evan R. Lawson." "I'm the CFO of HankMed, LLC." "Faith N. Green, Esq." "CEO of Garbage Collector Productions, LLP." "EVAN:" "Wow." "Welcome." "I believe you've met Donald?" "Yes, we have met." "Hello, sir." "How are you?" "How you doing, man?" "Welcome." "Hey." "Hey, Donald, good to see you again." "Hey, Doc." "This is Divya Katdare, my physician assistant." "Ma'am." "HANK:" "So how can I help you?" "Well, his knees and lower legs have been feeling weak." "He gets a tingly feeling in his feet, and his balance is occasionally off." "I'll shut up now." "How long has this been going on?" "Two to three months, give or take." "I mean, it comes and goes." "Yeah." "Thank God he has an insurance physical in two weeks, otherwise he'd never agree to see a doctor." "That's absolutely the last thing I'll say." "Faith, why don't you and I step outside for a sec?" "I think that's a good idea." "Why don't you come into my office?" "Okay." "Whoa." "He's gonna be fine." "Okay?" "I promise you." "He's in really good hands with my brother." "Thanks." "God." "There's just so much going on right now." "He's under such stress." "We both are." "Well, the Hamptons is a pretty good place to reduce stress." "is it?" "I've never been here." "Really?" "Maybe you'd be willing to show me the sights." "Willing and able." "Great. I mean, if my brother's okay, and our schedule is clear." "What's that?" "Donald is my big brother." "You knew that, right?" "I hope you're messing with me." "Because, short of a Whitesnake reunion, that might be the most frightening news I've ever heard." "Oh. ls everything okay?" "Yeah." "They just ran some tests." "Yeah, I'll let you know as soon as we have the results." "In the meantime, no mayhem, no killing bad guys or whatever." "No, we have no mayhem." "We have nothing on our schedule." "In fact, Evan was going to show me the Hampton sites." "Yeah." "She asked me." "Just because you guys..." "Oh." "I think you should take her to a nice restaurant." "Yeah." "Where a gentleman would take a lady." "We have a lot in common, you know." "We both work for our brothers." "We both have professional degrees in fields we're not using." "And we both think you're cute." "True, true, and true." "Well, last year, you know, between being on location and personal appearances and the fact that Donald can't say no to anyone, we were on the road for 39 weeks." "Whoa." "I know." "You must get exhausted with all the flying." "But you're getting points, though, so that's good." "Oh, no, we drive everywhere." "What?" "No wonder you're on the road for 39 weeks." "Well, flying is not too comfy for Donald." "When he's in row 21, his feet are in row 19." "You know what, I'm gonna make you a "HankMed travel kit."" "It's something I throw together for clients who are always on the go." "That is so sweet." "It's just a bag full of trinkets." "Are you okay?" "Oh, yeah." "Sorry, I'm fine." "I'm just so used to being the caretaker that when someone does something for me..." "Well, I'll tell you what, Faith, if it makes you feel any better, you can pay for dinner." "You can pay for the whole thing." "You know, traveling so much, you rarely meet good guys, and when you do, it's..." "You're off to the next town." "Hmm." "Oh, they're just vitamins." "Being on the road as much as we are, you do what you can to stay healthy." "Yeah." "Of course." "Big ones." "So I'm really out of practice with this whole dating thing, but you want to get out of here?" "Now?" "Yeah." "We just got our dinner." "You haven't even touched yours yet." "Yeah, well, I recently lost some weight, and I feel so much better, and I just plan on keeping it off." "Okay." "Okay." "This is nice, isn't it?" "Yeah, it is." "(CELL PHONE BEEPS) I'm sorry." "I have to get this." "Yeah, yes." "Of course." "Henry, mayday, mayday." "You need to call me in five minutes and pretend that it's an emergency." "Yes, I'm completely serious." "Call me in five..." "Henry?" "(sighs) I'm so sorry." "No, it's okay." "Where were we?" "Where were we?" "Things have really changed for Donald and me this last year." "Do you know how many weeks I was on the road for?" "Thirty-nine?" "Yes, exactly." "It's lonely, too." "You rarely meet any good guys, and when you do... (LAUGHS)" "What?" "We just had this conversation, right?" "We just had this exact conversation." "You don't remember that?" "(LAUGHS)" "DONALD:" "Sorry about the shoe thing." "Arnold's letting me use his house for the week, and he's really finicky about that sort of thing." "Hey, don't want to make Arnold mad." "Right." "So all your tests came back negative." "Except you're slightly anemic." "is that causing the weakness in my legs?" "Oh, not by itself." "You don't have an iron deficiency anemia, and your sodium and potassium levels are fine." "Donald!" "What?" "Hi." "Hey." "What's up?" "I was in the area, thought I'd stop by and say hi to my friend Jill." "And?" "Does there have to be an and?" "And do you know where there's an mri machine big enough for a 7-foot-tall, 500-pound patient?" "Wait." "The Garbage Collector's your patient?" "Yeah." "How..." "Hank, I love the Garbage Collector." "I have the entire DVD box set." "So do you know where there's a large mri machine I can use?" "Uh, well, it's a bit unorthodox, but, yeah." "Do you want to tell me?" "I don't." "But I'll show you." "I saw the first Trash Collector at Fear Fest." "I had nightmares for six months." "Thank you." "And in one, I dreamt that I went to the orthodontist, and he gave me trash teeth." "How do you even talk with those?" "I have ten different sets of teeth." "Some for long shots, some for closeups, and then some for talking." "So, it's a horse mri." "Sorry about this." "Don't be, Jill." "I've had to live with being big my entire life." "As a kid, I was growing so fast, for entertainment, my parents used to stand me in the middle of the room and just watch me grow." "(LAUGHS)" "Okay. I guess we should go in." "Come on, let's go." "(ringing)" "Okay, so it's not baseball." "Remember?" "Just tap it." "Just get it over the net." "(CELL PHONE continues ringing)" "Are you gonna finally answer that?" "No. I already know who it is." "It's this girl." "She's really cute, actually." "She likes me, but she has a brother who's the size of Trump Tower, and I suspect he wants to kill me." "Well, you know, that's the Lawson curse." "Oh, yeah?" "When you're wildly desirable to women, that's the cross you gotta bear." "Lawson curse." "All right." "Coming at you." "So, it's good." "It's a homerun." "Yeah." "MAN:" "Hey, pal, can you help me out?" "The guy at the gate said make a left at the topiary." "What the hell is a topiary?" "A topiary, that's a shrub or a tree trimmed into decorative shapes." "Look, I just gotta drop off some medical supplies and get on with my route." "Oh, yeah, that's my son, the doctor." "I'll sign that." "Thank you." "What's the name?" "Eddie." "Hi, Evan." "Oh!" "Oh, no, Evan." "Hey, Faith." "So you're alone." "Um, how..." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, Donald has an appointment." "He has another appointment?" "Another?" "Yeah, he was here yesterday." "Friday, right?" "(GASPS)" "Oh, no, it's Saturday." "The party." "Okay, I have to get to Further Lane." "Do you know where that is?" "Uh..." "(LAUGHS) lt's mature." "Maybe let some of the other kids go." "It was my turn." "What's with the 910 text?" "What does that even mean?" "It's not quite a 91 1 emergency, but it's close." "So that's why you got me here?" "Yeah." "Hank, please, you need to run interference with Faith." "Okay?" "She keeps conveniently forgetting things to get what she wants, which happens to be me." "Hey!" "Oh, hi." "Hey, Faith." "Yeah, she's crazier than Glenn Close on Easter." "Okay, I'm..." "Talk to her." "See for yourself." "Okay, are you..." "Are you familiar with the Hubble Telescope?" "Yeah." "It's the most powerful telescope in the world, right?" "I mean, it can actually see into distant galaxies." "Yeah." "If I were using that telescope right now, I still wouldn't be able to discover how little I care about your problem." "Okay." "I'm begging you here." "Please." "Please." "Her brother's here." "Donald's here?" "Yeah, he's in the cabana." "He's doing something for the kid's birthday." "Oh. I just..." "look." "I'll prove it to you." "Okay, I will prove it to you." "Give me five minutes to make the clock go cuckoo, we're out of here." "Five minutes." "Five minutes, we're out of here." "Don't forget to get a gift bag on your way out." "Hey, Hank." "Did you know that your brother is the sweetest person in the world?" "Well..." "I get so lost around here, and he offered to drive me." "He is my knight in shining armor." "That's nice." "Nice to see you, Faith." "You guys look cute together." "Did you tell him to say that?" "(LAUGHS)" "Uh, Donald?" "Hey." "Hey." "I've never had a groupie before." "Uh, yeah, no, I'm actually here because my brother sent me a 910 text." "Don't ask." "How's the hand?" "Not bad." "All things considered." "Yeah." "Looking good." "is all this supposed to scare the kids?" "Yeah." "Why?" "I don't know." "The kids out here, they're, you know, they've kind of seen it all, so... (sighs) That doesn't bode well for me." "I know." "Unless..." "Unless?" "Okay, everybody." "Pay attention." "Hands up." "Put your hands up." "Okay, kids, gather round all over here." "Gather round." "Hands up." "Okay, good job." "Good job." "Now is everybody ready for the big show?" "kids:" "Yes!" "Are you excited?" "kids:" "Yes!" "Ready!" "(roaring)" "(ROARS)" "(ROARS)" "Yeah, this is not going so well for him." "No." "You threw that recyclable in the wrong container." "Uh, yeah, I guess I did." "It's people like you that are ruining this planet." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, what are you gonna do about it?" "(laughing)" "What am I gonna do about it?" "ALL:" "Trash him!" "Trash him!" "Trash him!" "Trash him!" "Trash him!" "Trash him!" "Trash him!" "Trash him!" "Oh!" "Trash him!" "Trash him!" "Hello." "You're not gonna even try to help?" "Hey, are you familiar with the Hubble Telescope?" "It's time to take out the trash!" "Oh." "Donald?" "(groaning)" "Weren't you supposed to gently place me in the trash can?" "Hank, I can't feel my legs." "(GROANS) I think I'm suffering from post-traumatic Donald disorder." "Okay, what are you doing?" "I'm putting together a "HankMed travel kit" for Faith." "She gets a bobblehead?" "You either really like her or really don't." "(EVAN CHUCKLES) I'm trapped." "I can't do anything with Faith because of Donald." "And I can't not do anything with her because, well, because of her." "It's your classic existential dilemma." "Yeah, I don't think you know what existential means." "No, I know what it means." "I don't think you do." "I've been thinking about pulling a will together." "Um, I leave everything to you, but since I don't actually own anything, you just get the will." "So does that interest you at all?" "No, it doesn't." "Where'd these come from?" "Well, you see, when a mama box and a papa box..." "Really?" "Delivery guy brought it." "I didn't order broad-spectrum antibiotics, and if I did, I wouldn't use this many in a year." "They're from Germany, addressed to Boris." "(shouting)" "Sorry to interrupt." "(speaking GERMAN)" "Hank, what can we do for you?" "Well, I was a little surprised to find" "Costco-sized boxes of Ciproxin, doxycycline, and azitomycin in my living room." "Oh, yeah, I imagine you would be since they weren't meant for you." "Ha!" "Someone give you a heads up on the apocalypse?" "Can you tell me why you had those medications sent to your home?" "They're not for my personal use, Hank." "So they shouldn't concern you." "What should concern you is that an Edward R. Lawson, your father, seems to be making himself at home in my home." "And apparently, he particularly enjoys the Shadow Pond tennis courts." "Since that's where he signed for the medications himself." "He signed for them?" "Yeah, as simply "Eddie."" "It would seem the Lawson is now implied around here, yeah?" "It won't happen again." "I consider myself a hospitable man, Hank, but my hospitality has its limits." "I said it won't happen again." "I'm your doctor." "My personal life doesn't concern you, especially not my father, so, please, stay out of it." "Remind me again." "What do we know about Edward Lawson?" "Hey." "Hi." "These are for you." "They're freshly baked." "They're Tate's." "Local delicacy." "Yeah, freshly baked there." "Would you mind hiding them?" "I don't want Faith to see them." "Why?" "is she a diabetic?" "No, she went on a serious diet a few months ago." "I'm really proud of her, but I try not to leave around food that might tempt her." "Okay, well, I would never want to do anything to tempt her, so I'm just gonna go and find a place to stick these." "I could think of a place." "That's good." "I'll go check on Faith." "Okay." "So your spinal tap came back negative for encephalitis and multiple sclerosis, which is great, but now I'm stumped." "Isn't there, like, a no-stump clause in your contract?" "Well, that's why there are specialists." "I have some calls out." "I can set it up with Faith." "I just hope the word specialist doesn't freak out Faith too much." "Well, if it does, there are specialists for that, too." "Evan, something happened today, and I really need to tell someone." "Oh, um, maybe you should tell your brother." "Oh, I can't." "Okay, well, if you can't tell him, then, by all means, do not tell me." "I got offered a job." "(sighs) Do you not hear anything I say?" "It's at this great environmental law firm back in our hometown." "Faith, if you're a lawyer, why aren't you practicing law?" "Oh, well, I finished law school, passed the bar, but before I could get a job at a firm," "Donald asked me to work for him, you know, and I couldn't say no." "Yeah, I have that same problem with him." "When we were young, he was so sensitive about his size." "And even though he was playing varsity football in the sixth grade, I wanted him to feel like he was still a normal kid." "I spent my life taking care of him." "You may find this hard to believe, but not too long ago, my life was parties, women, and cash." "Parties I couldn't get into, women I could never date, and cash I never had, but, yeah, it was bad." "I was Lost Evan." "I didn't know it at the time, but I was." "And then Hank's career went down like the Hindenburg, and things started looking up." "We moved out here, and everything changed." "No more Lost Evan?" "Yeah, but I didn't find myself and attain Evan R. Lawson, CFO of HankMed status" "until I moved in with my brother, okay?" "I feel like you're not gonna find yourself until your leave yours." "Tell Donald." "I don't want to be there when you do." "(LAUGHS)" "But tell him." "(sighs)" "Wait here." "I forgot to take my vitamins." "Yeah." "Um, and for the record, I really like Found Evan." "Hey." "Hey." "What are you doing here?" "Donny invited me." "Donny?" "You call him Donny?" "He told me to call him Donny." "So you guys are just on a Donny basis now?" "(LAUGHS) Wait, are you jealous?" "No..." "I don't know." "I don't know." "Maybe I don't like seeing other guys make you laugh." "Ah." "Especially not ginormous ones like that guy." "So only you can make me laugh?" "Yes." "(LAUGHS) I rest my case." "Okay." "Look, I get it." "I am sure I wouldn't enjoy watching another woman make you laugh." "And I wouldn't want to see you laugh with another woman." "Or call her Donny." "(LAUGHS) That really bothers you." "Yeah, a little bit." "A little bit." "I'm sure you can call him Donny, too." "All you have to do is ask." "Yeah." "Excuse me one minute." "Well, I didn't mean now." "Hey, you want me to man the grill?" "That's kind of a personal question, don't you think?" "Well, I just thought... I'm fine." "That grill won't give you the same gentle, pillowy cushion that my torso did." "If you wanna help, here." "Dinner's done." "Carry this to the table." "You have any food for us?" "(LAUGHS) Wise guy." "Hi, Jill." "Hey." "Thanks for coming." "Thanks for having me, Donny." "Sure." "Anybody see Faith?" "Yeah, she..." "She went to get some vitamins." "Faith?" "Hey, Faith, food's ready!" "Faith!" "(GAGS)" "What's happening?" "(crying) My chest." "Yeah, your esophagus is obstructed." "We have to clear her airway." "faith:" "Okay." "The EMTs are on their way." "What are you gonna do with that?" "Get what's in there out." "Hold that." "Thank you." "Okay, here we go." "Hank, that's not helping." "What are you doing?" "I just lowered the deflated balloon into Faith's esophagus." "Okay, thank you." "Now I'm gonna inflate it... (SCREAMS) Okay." "Okay, good." "Now I'm gonna lift it and hopefully it will pick up what's stuck and pull it out." "Divya." "There's something in there." "Okay." "There we go." "(EXHALES DEEPLY)" "What is that?" "I'm not sure." "Pills of some sort." "(faith gasping)" "Faith, come here." "Have you been taking anything?" "Yes, vitamins." "Yeah, big, horse-sized ones." "Because..." "For my diet." "Why don't we give them some doctor-patient confidential time, hmm?" "But I want Evan to stay." "(STUTTERS) No, no, no, she's delirious." "She meant Donald, right?" "You meant Donald." "She meant you." "Stay." "Okay, I'll stay." "Yeah." "Here you go." "Don mentioned that you lost some weight recently?" "Did you have a gastric bypass?" "How did you know that?" "A guess based on the concretion I just pulled out, and I have been wondering why you've been wearing long-sleeved shirts in July." "Well, my body lost the weight but forgot to lose the excess skin." "And I'm guessing you didn't follow the strict diet that goes along with that surgery." "I was, but then all this stuff happened with Donald, and I just..." "I got so worried that... I kinda went off my diet." "Which led to the acid reflux, which narrowed your esophagus and didn't allow much to get down." "Can a gastric bypass cause memory loss?" "Yeah, you mentioned Faith had memory issues once?" "Did that happen again?" "Yeah." "And again." "And again." "Yeah." "Well, see, if the body doesn't absorb enough vitamin B1, you can suffer short-term memory loss." "It's called Korsakoff syndrome." "Korsakoff syndrome." "Please tell me that that sounds worse than it is." "It's very treatable when caught early and if you stick to your diet." "(BOTH sighing)" "Please keep this between us." "I'll go tell them you're okay." "(humming SHRlLLY)" "Hey, Eddie van McEnroe, could you please take off the headband?" "I didn't even know this, but by stringing your racket right, it completely changes your game." "You need to have game first." "All right, look, no more headbands, no more rackets, no more tennis." "What?" "I signed two whales on a golf course." "I can't even play golf." "Can you imagine the possibilities of this?" "The possibility..." "Boris and I had a thing." "Okay." "A thing." "What kind of a thing?" "I kinda snapped at him." "All right, so..." "He's our golden goose, okay?" "You can't snap at the goose." "You gotta be nice to the goose." "You gotta pet the goose." "Just pet..." "Stop saying pet." "And you can't piss off the goose, 'cause the goose could get mad." "Do you know how easy it would be for him to kick us out of the lake or the swamp, wherever geese live?" "As easy as it was for Eddie to sign for Boris's packages?" "Okay." "So this isn't about Boris at all." "This is about Dad." "Look, Eddie shows up, and so does trouble." "No, no, no, no." "Eddie shows up, and suddenly you're weird." "Suddenly, you're the Un-Hank." "The Un-Hank?" "Yeah." "You're Moody Hank." "You're..." "You're..." "You're Hank Light." "You're too much of the Henry, not enough of the Hank." "Okay, first of all, I'm not a diet cola." "And if I have been acting differently, which I'm not saying I have, it's just because it's what he does to me." "Then why don't you just deal with it?" "He's not Satan." "Talk to him!" "(CELL PHONE rings)" "Hold on." "Yeah?" "Jill, what's up?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I'll be right there." "Watch out." "He didn't want me to call you, but he was having trouble breathing." "I'm okay. I'm fine." "It's nothing." "What were you doing?" "Carrying those boxes." "Yeah, Donny's donating a bunch of his stuff for the hospital to auction off for the children's ward." "And he got pale and sweaty." "You try carrying around 485 pounds in July." "When I cleaned your forehead on the road, I didn't see this white in your beard." "Your skin looks very dry." "Those are signs that your copper level is dangerously low." "Why is it so low?" "Wait." "Those are..." "Trash teeth." "Dentures." "Faith, can you grab Donald's denture cream?" "Lost my teeth doing security." "Some idiot tried to take a swing at Schwarzenegger." "I intercepted his fist with my mouth." "Thank you." "How much of this stuff do you go through per month, like how many tubes?" "If I'm shooting or promoting one of the movies, tube a day." "More if you have a lot of scenes." "Yeah." "This adhesive has high levels of zinc." "Your body's been absorbing it, too much of it, which is what I think has been causing your lack of balance, your muscle weakness, and your numbness." "But what about the white in his beard?" "Zinc toxicity causes low levels of copper." "I mean, I never would have thought to ask a guy your age about dentures, but you can't use this adhesive anymore." "Okay." "Good." "You can keep your teeth." "You just need to use better-fitting dentures and adhesive cream without zinc." "Fine." "Then you'll be back to trashing those bad guys in no time." "(CHUCKLES)" "Garbage Collector's a good guy, right?" "Okay." "Now you're just embarrassing yourself." "Hi." "We really can't thank you guys enough, even though, as far as dysfunctional siblings go, you give us a run for our money." "(BOTH LAUGH)" "Anytime you guys wanna drop by the set, just let me know." "With the landfill?" "Yeah." "Oh, my God, that's like a dream come true." "Yeah." "Or a nightmare, in the best possible way." "Yeah, we'll call Faith." "Actually, I'm in the market for a new Faith." "Really?" "Have you considered Judaism?" "'Cause we could use someone your size." "I'll tell you what." "We could." "Donald and I talked, and we decided it would be best to dissolve our professional relationship and keep it strictly siblings." "Apparently, it's better for both of us." "You taking that environmental law job?" "Yeah." "She is." "Evan." "Come here." "faith:" "Mmm." "Okay." "Little closer." "Little closer." "Uh..." "Whoa, whoa." "Thank you for being a gentleman." "Hank." "Thanks for helping Faith and me." "Oh, my pleasure, Donald." "Call me Donny." "Really?" "All right, Donny." "Okay, we gotta run." "Okay." "HANK:" "See you guys." "Bye." "(EXHALES)" "Hey." "(GRUNTS) I..." "Yeah." "It's okay." "He's a big guy." "He's a big guy." "He is a big guy." "I love you." "You've gained a little weight." "Wow." "Henry, you look fantastic." "Thanks for meeting me." "Are you kidding?" "(CHUCKLES) lt is my pleasure." "How 'bout this?" "Best table in the house, huh?" "It's a great table." "I was so thrilled when I got your message." "So I wanted us to talk." "I'll assume you came here to the Hamptons back into our lives with the best intentions." "But I think you should leave now." "Sorry?" "You should go." "That's not what Evan wants." "It's what I want." "For both of us." "Yeah, but you're not the father, I am." "(LAUGHS)" "Excuse me." "Hank." "When you were little, these hands changed your diapers." "When you couldn't sleep, these arms rocked you until you went back down." "I am the same man who got up every weekend, rain or shine, at the crack of dawn, to take you to your soccer games." "And you know what?" "That was my favorite part of the week." "We would talk, tell stories." "Do you remember?" "We tried to see who could make each other laugh hardest?" "We were best friends." "Look in my eyes." "Please." "It's still me." "Look. it's still me." "Just out of curiosity, those feet, are they the same ones that walked out on us?" "You listen to me, Dr. Smartass, and you listen good." "I came here with my tail between my legs, but apology time is over." "You don't tell me where to live." "You don't tell me who to talk to." "Oh, and by the way, who the hell are you to talk to my girlfriend behind my back?" "To warn her about me?" "And just for the record, I'm not going anywhere." "I might have lost one son, but I sure as hell am not gonna lose another one." "It's time to take out the trash!" "(ROARS)" "MAN ON TV:" "Ahhh!" "(THUDDlNG)" "Yeah, take that, tattoo guy!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "I mean, awesome!" "That was so superior to Garbage Collector III." "Every time I..." "(STAMMERS) I'm speechless." "Maybe because you've been talking to the screen for the last 90 minutes." "Yeah." "Or yelling at it." "What about you?" "Well, you know, I gotta admit, it was good, you know?" "It was repulsive yet riveting." "Oh, yeah." "It's the Citizen Kane of environmentally- correct slasher films is what I like to say." "Um, so should I give Boris the Garbage Collector figurine, or should I give him the Garbage Truck?" "What?" "Well, you know, I'm sure he already owns both." "And Boris is fine." "Don't worry." "Where you going?" "For a run." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "Well, you can't run away from your problems, Hank." "No, Evan, but you can't fault him for trying." "(tires SCREECH)" "Are you okay?" "Uh, yeah, yeah." "I'm sorry for sneaking up on you like that." "And given your taste for speed, maybe a jet would be a more appropriate mode of transportation?" "I am so sorry." "That's fine." "I hate being late." "I've got a meeting with Mr. Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz." "Ooh, "A" for pronunciation." "They don't give A-pluses here?" "Well, it's a tough castle." "Oh." "So listen, you can park there or there or there." "Okay, okay, yeah." "I think I got it." "You got it?" "Uh-huh." "Okay." "Try to keep it to under 55, huh?" "Will do." "Well, you come very highly recommended." "Very impressive." "Top of your class." "In every class." "(LAUGHS) Yes. I'm a bit of a perfectionist." "It's a blessing and a curse." "So do you have any other questions?" "I think not." "If you wouldn't mind just reviewing and signing the nondisclosure agreement." "Absolutely." "You don't care to read it." "I'll be discreet not because of a piece of paper I've signed but because it's good business." "Very good." "I have a feeling you're going to make"