"Emily's making me go on a date tonight with Bernard." "Taker her out tonight." "Show her what she'll be missing by marrying some old fart." "You called me a bitch." "Get out!" "All of our produce comes from within fifty miles of New York." "You claim a hundred." "Do the math." "Oh!" "A rat!" "You could come back to my place if you like." "I trusted you with my daughter!" "Emily's taking a break from me, so I'm taking a break from you." "Ray, thank God you're here!" " Louis?" " Help me!" "Bored to Death 3x05 "I Keep Taking Baths like Lady MacBeth"" "[subs by lujk]" "♪ All the shadows in the city ♪" "♪ used to love ya, what a pity. ♪" "♪ I miss the question you used to ask me. ♪" "♪ Bored to death, cut, mad, and lonely. ♪" "♪ Bored to death, cut, mad, and lonely. ♪" "♪ Bored to death, cut, mad, and lonely. ♪" "I still say that's not a legal style." "When Jonathan and I used to play games, he didn't cheat." "Well, call Jonathan and play with him." "You know we're not talking." "Although we do have therapy today." "Get the yell—yeah, get those." "And stop complaining about my technique!" "If I throw it underhand, then my back's gonna catch on fire and flames are gonna shoot out of my asshole." "Get that one." "I'm sorry." "The, uh, girdle doesn't offer any relief?" "No." "Only oxycontin." "Luckily, Belinda renewed her prescription." "She's turning me into Rush Limbaugh." "Other than the drugs, how's it going with Belinda?" "Well, it's wonderful, but I feel really, really guilty." "Leah has no idea." "I've never been like this before." "Oh, I get it." "You're leading a double life." "I've been doing that for so long I'm probably over a hundred years old by now." "Yeah, this elder love really crept up on me." "Other than cumming in my pants all the time," "I used to be pretty normal." "That's a term I don't know, "elder love." It sounds like an herbal tea or something." " It's most common with women." " Mm." "Males don't get it as much, but we're out there." "There's a convention every year in Boca." "Florida." "Jonathan and I were supposed to go down to Key West to visit the Hemingway house, but I guess that's not gonna happen." "Well, maybe therapy will work." "I don't know, maybe." "When a couple goes to counseling, it's usually the end." "Ray said Antrem's restaurant is killing your business." "I wish there was some way I could help you." "It depresses me that Antrem is successful, because it means that being a driven sociopath is effective." "At least professionally." "Exactly." "You know, Antrem's a symbol of what's wrong with nature." "If there's sunshine, you have darkness." "If there's health, you have disease." "If there's me, you have Antrem." "Like me and Louis Green." "No, you see, this is why we need counseling." "You suck everything back to you like a needy magnet." "Sorry." "Tell me more about Antrem." "I open a hundred-mile artisanal restaurant, and that engorged tick opens a fifty-miler just to spite me, to, to destroy me." "Well, can't you become a fifty-miler?" "I'd love to, but I have no idea where his farms are." "And then Sifton gave him a rave in the Times, said that you can taste the farmer's hands pulling the cucumbers from the earth." " Well, that's not hygienic." " Of course it isn't!" "This is friendship counseling?" "Three basic tenets of friendship:" "no penetration between friends, friends do not involve friends in Ponzi schemes" "—that happened to me— and a true friend is someone that helps you move." "Well, the situation is cut and dry." "Jonathan crossed a line with my daughter." "What kind of line?" "Inappropriate leering, groping, daterape?" " You have very big eyes." " What?" "!" "No, no." "No, nothing like that." "but he was responsible for the fracture of her perfect nose, and he caused her to stop speaking to me." " That's terrible." " George, you can't blame thirty years of miscommunication one one broken nose and an alcohol relapse." "She also smoked dope and saw a stuffed animal have anal sex." "You told me to show her a good time!" "Oh!" "You're home early." "Yeah, I was able to get away for an hour." "Where are the girls?" "Upstairs, melting in front of the television." "I'm gonna take them to the botanical garden soon." "Oh, that's nice." "When did you start drinking Bailey's?" "I don't know." "Recently I got a..." "taste for it." "Hmm." "Ray, uh, I came home because I've been missing you." "Really?" "I don't like the distance I've been feeling lately, with you on the couch, far away." "Just down the stairs." "You know?" "And, um, I should have been working, but" "I Googled you, and I started getting hot." "I never told you this, but" "I love your drawings of Super Ray's cock." "Leah, the girls." "They won't leave the TV." "Okay." " Ray, you have a gray pubic hair." " That's mine!" "That's mine." "Of course it's yours." "Jonathan, based on your technique, I can tell you are... a pathological, codependent people-pleaser, and that's not good." "I'm sorry." "Don't say you're sorry." " I'm sorry." " Stop it!" "George." "Yes." "I can tell you are a very good lover." "Oh!" "Well, thank you." "Oh!" "Look at you." "Jonathan, what is your issue with George?" "'Cause he seems perfect to me." "Well, I don't have an issue, really." "I just want him back in my life!" "You see, my whole father figure situation is very screwy right now." "I hear what Jonathan is saying, but I have nothing to give." "I can only take." "My business is under siege." "I'm a..." "I'm a needy boy wrapped in the garb of an elder statesman." "That sounds fancy and eloquent, but is it really how you feel?" "Yes." "Also, I've signed up for a musical revue, so I don't have time for my old friends." " George, I'm sorry." " Don't apologize to the people you love!" "Show them your affection with your actions!" "Dig into my heel!" "It helps with my menses." "I'm bloated." "I'm usually thinner." "Excuse me!" "I'm with the FDAUJA." "What farms does this restaurant use?" "I live in the basement of an American." "I have never been a nanny!" "I don't care about that." "I want names of farms!" "Now." "Please!" "I love this country!" "I'm a Yankee fan!" "But I also like the Mets if that's your thing." "I'm not with immigration." "I'm a friend." "Sort of." "Just tell me: where does Richard  Sons get its produce?" "All I know is the mucho malo goes on the run every night to the farms." "Who is this mucho malo?" "What is his name?" "They call him..." "Green!" "Those girls are so beautiful." "I wish you'd introduce them to my grandchildren." "Yeah, maybe." "They call it a playdate." "Heh!" "Back in my day, we called it," ""Hey, look after my kids, I gotta go to the doctor for my shingles!" "Listen, Belinda." " The last three weeks have been wonderful." " I know." "It's a gift." "I'd love to tell Father Malucci, but he would want me to be married before having intercourse." "Father Malucci?" "Well, he was trying to set me up, but all the widowers in my church are awash, rhuemy-eyed, lumpy with tumors." "I needed someone young, like you!" "I do love being with you." "It's just..." "You know how I feel after we make love?" "Like an iron's been on top of me, and I get all straightened out like a piece of linen." "You set me right, kid." "God, Belinda, I—ach!" "I just don't know if I can keep this up." "I feel so guilty!" "I keep taking baths like Lady Macbeth!" "Listen, I don't want this to stop!" "You make me feel as beautiful as these flowers!" "To hell with it!" "You're gonna live with the guilt, Ray." "You might be the last good thing I'll ever have in my life." "It's okay, baby." "It's okay." "So tell me, George, have you ever sung before?" "Well, forty years ago, I was a Whiffenpoof at Yale." "Wasn't Cole Porter a Whiffenpoof?" "♪ And that's why birds do it, bees do it. ♪" "♪ Even educated fleas do it. ♪" "♪ Let's do it." "Let's fall in love. ♪" "Oh!" "That was lovely!" "Thank you." "So, why do you want to take singing lessons, George?" "Ah!" "Well, I agreed to perform in a musical review at the Yale Club, a fundraiser, and they assigned me to "Dream the Impossible Dream"!" "Great, I love that song." "This should be fun." "Alright." " Let's do a little breathwork first, shall we?" " Yeah." " Just, ah..." " Oh!" "Well, alright." "gonna warm up that lean Gary Cooper body of yours." " Oh!" "Gary Cooper!" " Grab it with both hands and just bend over." "Make your body an L." "You do it." "Okay." "Alright, we're going to relax the back, and we're gonna breathe and make an "Oh, oh, oh!" sound." " Oh, oh, oh, oh!" " George, you're holding a lot of" " sadness or something." " I do have a lot of sadness, actually." "I, I've been very melancholic lately." "Well, let's try to breathe it out, shall we?" " "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!"" " Oh, oh, oh, oh..." " Ohhh..." " George," " Yeah?" " I think this may take more than breathing." "Do you smoke pot?" "I do!" "Now Leah's fallen back in love with me." "It must be pheromonal." "All the sex with Belinda's got me spraying testosterone like a cat." "You know, I did read about that in the science section of the Times." "The more sex a man has, the more sex he gets." "It's like a positive Catch-22." " Wah!" " Hello, Alpha Team." "God damn it!" "What a bunch of Nervous Nellies." " I thought you guys were battle tested." " Why did you do tha— where'd he go?" "Both of my testicles completely retracted when you did that!" "Isn't that your normal state?" " Both your testicles deep in your body like the ovaries of a woman?" " HAW HAW" "You got the tracking device?" "Uh...ffirmative." "Also, I brought along some bonus surveillance gear." " Free of charge?" " I'm not a communist, I charged it to George's account." "So, Ray, you're the only one who can plant this on Green." "What?" "Why me?" "I don't want any part of him!" "Oh, don't be such a swishy, nancy fruitcake!" "It has to be you." "Green will never let me or Howard near him, but you guys bonded in jail!" "You said you passed him in the hallway!" "We did do time together." "Excuse me." "You have water." "Ray." "What are you doing here?" "Is that worm with legs Jonathan going to be joining you?" " No, I was just, uh..." " Well, we can't serve you dressed like that, so..." "I guess this is good day." "No I wasn't, uh, looking do eat, I just happened to be walking by, and I was wondering how you were doing since our time in the hoosegow." "Really, that's why you're here?" "You're concerned about me?" "Well, not a lot of people have been through what we've been through, and I..." "How was it for you?" "Oh, I felt like Primo Levi." "I did make one nice friend, José Luís." "But overall the experience was traumatic, I—" "I'm not sleeping, 'cause of my nerves, I'm developing small ulcers in my armpits...." "I'm sorry." "Mm, thank you." "Oh!" "I bet those armpit ulcers are really painful." "I think you're the only one who understands me, Ray." "When I do sleep," "I have this dream I'm in a tank full of lobsters, and they're all nipping at me with their cruel, red claws." "Shhhhh." "It's okay." "Those lobsters are phantoms." "Oh, Raymond." " Louis!" " Where is that chubby little handmaiden?" " Table five needs to be cleared!" " I have to go." " Yeah." "Ray." "If this should continue, it would be nice if you shaved." " How'd it go?" "Everything all right?" " Fine!" " Did the Tango suspect anything?" " Nope!" "How did you do it?" "I hugged him." "Like an old... prison buddy." "That's it!" "Okay?" "That's the end of the story." "Well, my work here is done!" "By the way, Howard, thank you for recommending Laurie." "The session didn't work, but she has really nice feet and gave good advice." "I love her feet!" "You know, I got insight into some of my mother issues working on her big toe!" "Huh!" "But where therapy failed, I'm hoping that this operation will save a friendship." "Me too." "You love George, and I don't blame ya!" "Alright!" "That guy gives me the creeps." "Do you go to him for everything?" "Not everything, just therapy referrals and detective gadgets." "I hope you don't think I'm a slut," "Josephine, for sleeping with you immediately." "Not at all." " It felt very 1977." " Mmhm." " Well, I think it was a great first lesson." " Mm, yeah." "I loved it." "You pierced my heart." "Oh." "Did I scare you?" "Well, a little." "Yo-you should know that I have a long track record of letting women down, and my business is falling apart, so I'm not very available, emotionally or, or emotionally." "Well you should know that I have a long track record of being let down, so we're perfect for each other, and you are a pothead, so we're doubly perfect." "Ah!" "Oh my God!" "Oh, that's beautiful." "I want one!" "Ray, I haven't wanted to ask, but how is Belinda in bed?" "Well, here's a little taste." "The other night, I was on top of her, and I was stoned, and it was like all of her past selves fanned out in front of me like a deck of cards." "What?" "Really?" "Yeah, I saw all the women that she's been." "From her twenties, thirties, forties, fifties, sixties... seventies, eighties, nineties..." "naughts..." "I made love to them all!" "It's like a harem, but with one senior citizen." "Holy shit, that's incredible!" "There's Green." "I can't believe he's smoking." "Must have picked it up in prison." "Alright." "Looks like he's making a left at the end of the alleyway." "Yeah, I can see that." "What's he doing?" "That's not an organic farm!" "It's not even a nice supermarket!" "Oh my God!" "C-Town is Antrem's farms!" "I knew that fifty mile claim stunk like yesterday's fish!" "Call George, he's gotta see this." " Okay." " But don't tell him I'm here." "Just say you're in trouble." "This way, when he gets here," "I can explain it to him and look heroic in his eyes!" "♪ Voulez-vous?" "Voulez?" "♪" "♪ Voulez-vous?" "Voulez?" "... ♪" "Oh, this is wonderful!" "Josephine, I'm sorry, I have to..." "Keep dancing!" "Hello?" "George?" "Look, I'm in trouble." "I need you to come to C-Town Supermarket on 130th and Broadway immediately." "Wh-why?" "What's going on?" "I've been falsely accused of shoplifting." "I need you." "Don't know if that worked." "I'm, I'm so sorry, but I have to go." "My, my number two friend needs me." "He's been caught shoplifting in a supermarket." "He has food issues." "Your number two friend?" "Who's your number one friend?" "A young boy I was once very fond of." "We're not talking anymore." "A young boy?" "Oh my God, here he is." "Alright." "Don't be nervous." "I can handle George." "Watch this." "Ray, what's the meaning of this?" "Did you lie to me?" "Jonathan made me call you!" "Wh—?" "George, I'm really sorry friendship counseling didn't go well." "Did you drag me all the way up here just to apologize?" "Do you know I left a singing lesson to come here?" "At midnight?" "Yes." " Well, this is really important." " No." "Not breaking Emily's nose was important." "I'm gonna go." "George, wait!" "There's something I need to show you." "Son of a bitch!" "Antrem and his dirty tricks!" "But isn't it great that I discovered this?" "Yes, yes, but what are we gonna do?" "I have a plan." "You and I will go in deep, and Ray will play defense to guard against the quarterback's sneak." "Jonathan, you know i don't follow baseball." "Park me close to him and then act like a stockboy!" "Got it!" "Mr. Christopher?" "When did you start working here?" "Oh, well, uh, just today actually." "He doesn't work here, Green!" "Jonathan, what are you doing here, you maggot?" "We're onto you, Green!" "And Richard and Sons!" "Fifty miles?" "!" "Your restaurant is a fraud and we've got proof!" "How dare you belittle what Richard and I have built!" " But it was built on a lie!" " Everything's built on a lie, you idiot!" "That is true, Jonathan." "And anyway, what proof do you have?" "I'm buying these chickens for my personal use." "That's a lot of chickens." " And also... ha!" " Hey!" "George, push me!" "Push me!" "Left with the botellas!" "You stole my phone!" "Of course I did!" "What a trite thing to say." "Incoming!" "Reloading!" "Duck!" "I mean, chicken!" "You'll never get away with this, Green!" "Cleanup in aisle six, ha ha ha ha!" "Louis, stop!" "Raymond?" " Are you all right, George?" " Ha!" "I'm wonderful!" "Really?" "But I—" " I failed you again!" " Yeah... but I've missed this, our calamities." "I've missed you." "I've missed you, too, George." " Oh!" "Look who's here." " Ray!" "How'd you do it?" "I have my ways." "I've seen enough." "Honestly, I had no idea this was happening." "Ever since the arrest, Louis just hasn't been the same, you know." "Gotta get the kid some help." "But first I'm gonna take a belt to his ass!" " I did it for you!" " Get back in your coat closet, you twisted little snot!" "I will call the Times and have them print a complete retraction." "I don't want to destroy you, Richard." "I just want a level playing field." "Oh, that's so admirable of you, George." "You know you're weak in most every way that's important?" "But you do play fair." "Thank you." "Our business here is done." "Ray, wait!" "I'll catch up with you guys in a second." "Tell me it meant nothing to you." "Our kiss." "Louis, that erection you felt against your leg was purely involuntary." "I didn't feel any erection." "Huh!" "Oh, you didn't?" "It doesn't matter, okay?" "'Cause that's the end now." "I have enough women in my life." "I understand." "For nearly forty years, I've waited for love and sympathy." "I can wait a bit longer." "Okay." "Ray seems to have a real wizard-like effect on Green." "He says it's because Green's a fan of his Super Ray comic." "Ah, makes sense." "The power of art." "Hey, you and I should start thinking about our trip down to Key West to visit the Hemingway house, and then, if you want, we could go on down to Cuba and see his place there." " Really?" "!" " Yeah!" "Sure." "I've always wanted to return to Havana." "I had a lost weekend there once." "Oh, here's our wizard!" "Everything alright with Green?" "Yeah." "Is it too early to get a drink?" "No!" "Never too early for a well-made organic bloody Mary." "You get your vitamins from the tomato juice, and the celery gives you your fiber." "And the, uh, vodka helps you with your mood the first thing in the morning." "Which is healthy." "Exactly." "You guys know a lot about nutrition." "Well, I do own a restaurant, you know." "[subs by lujk]"