"OLLIE:" "I'm extremely impressed." "I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party." "Good." "You should be impressed." "Although, ultimately the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he?" "He's just a guy." "Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is..." " No, no, no, no." "Mine is..." " What?" "...the leader of the country also." "What I'm saying is if we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are..." "Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie." " I win." " Right." "EMMA:" "So, it's Ben Swain day today, is it?" "Yes." "A Nutter in our midst." "Ajunior minister for me to push around, you know." "That's nice, isn't it?" "A bit more power for me." "You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie." "Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power." "JAMIE:" "Hey, Poxbridge." "Hey, dickhead." "Happy New Queer." "I'm really sorry, but I..." "Don't be so offensive." "I do apologise for my friend's behaviour." "Did you have a nice Poofmas?" "What are you two doing round Richmond Terrace then?" "Oh, we're slumming it." "Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag." "You must be, you..." "What is it, Gemma, Gemma?" " It's Emma." " Emma, hi, Emma." "What are you doing down here?" "I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day." "Could you water my spider plants in my office as well?" "He's very good with the watering can." "Very, very bright lad." "Homemaker." " Yeah." " I'll see you later." "Yeah, see you later." "So the girlfriend, she doesn't mind the whole you being gay thing?" " Did you take her home for Christmas?" " No, God, no." "I couldn't do that." "No, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in 'cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you?" "She's probably allergic to pit ponies." "PETER:" "Are they actually sleeping together?" "PHIL:" "Yes, yeah." "In the flat." "Do you think she's on top or..." "What do you hear?" "Well, I hear her say, "How do you like it?"" "And he'll say, "I've got to page Tucker."" "Oh, God." "Have I shaved properly?" "It's just we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror." "No, you're very smooth." "So it's a chrome kettle, then?" "You've been watching CSI again, haven't you?" " EMMA (CLEARING THROAT):" "Morning." " Oh, hello." "How was sleeping with the enemy?" "Oh, hilarious." "I forgot how funny you were." "What time are you seeing Stewart?" "It'll be in about half an hour." "What about you?" "Oh, I'll be last in." "He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the Ryanair queue." "Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the wind turbine thing on your house, remember?" "Yes, and it cost me 12 grand." "And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in." "But my next door neighbour has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around." "Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag." "Right." "What's up first, then, Peter?" "While we're here we could bat a few ideas around." "He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he?" "Environment?" "Tax breaks for aromatherapists?" "SatNav for asylum seekers?" "Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog." "Oh, God." "Really?" "I could actually do the writing bit of it because you wouldn't have time." "Well, I might as well." "I've knack all else to do." "Though... to be honest, you sort it out." "I thought we could have like a guest book so that, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments." "Are you sure?" "Have you ever googled your own name?" "It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are." "Where's My Little Phoney?" "Ben Swain." "What's his Newsnight angle going to be, then?" "OLLIE:" "Ben?" "Ben is going on Newsnight?" "(LAUGHS) Oh, you're a right little West Winger, aren't you?" "They're cutting you out of the loop already?" "Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously..." "The presenter is Newsbot 3.2." "He's a nobody." "He's a fucking scorch mark." "Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with Stephen Fry or whatever the fuck it is he does." "Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture." "Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then." "And then we'll..." " Pat Morrissey?" " Yeah." " Her?" "What, Fat Pat?" " Yeah." " Pumpkin tits?" " Yeah." "Pat and Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now." "I mean, you get a tick as well." "Obviously." "Oh, well, obviously." "Yes, that's very, very nice and that's very fucking big of them." "I get a tick!" "So I mean, it's two ticks for a green light, basically, that's the system." "Pat Morrissey." "Communications is full of Nutters these days." "Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like mela-fucking-noma." "See you later." "See you in a tick." "What about you?" "You're not a Nutter, are you?" "I'm not a Nutter, Jamie." "I'm a nipper." " Hey, Terri!" " Hi Ollie, happy New Year." " How was Christmas?" " Oh, you know." "Yeah, I know, yeah." "Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses." "All that "I thought you were taking the giblets out."" ""Don't give Nan any more Baileys." "She's only got the one pad with her."" "Every bloody year." "Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home." "Right." "Jesus." "So, Ben on Newsnight." "Ben Swain's going on Newsnight?" "Yeah, yeah." "Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either." "I thought it was just me." "No, no, no." "I did know about that, actually." "Why did you say it like that, then?" ""Ben Swain's going on Newsnight?"" "You're just out of the loop." "I'm very well wired into the Tommists." "Nobody calls them Tommists." "They're Nutters, Terri." "Nobody calls them Tommists." "I don't like that word." "My sister works in mental health." "Um..." "Right, um..." "Okay, well, there's plenty of room, so take a seat." "Lots of places to sit and make yourselves feel comfortable." "Feel free to sit down if you'd like to..." "You're welcome to sit wherever you like." " I'm absolutely fine here." " Good." " I like it here." " Okay." "I was just saying that we are on our eighth legacy working party..." " Eighth?" "It's the eighth already?" " Yes, it's the eighth already, so that's a congratulatory matter." "Ok, well, I want to reinforce the fact that what we're doing here is we're moving immigration out of frontline politics." "It's no longer some sort of political football that we can throw about here and throw about there." "No, we're going to push asylum policy across to this independent expert board, totally independent from government." "That will be the legacy." "So..." "Right." "We should just, perhaps..." "I tell..." "I'll tell you what his legacy is going to be." "He'll be the one who tried to have a legacy." "That'll be his fucking legacy." "JULIUS:" "Well, I think we want to keep on our agenda, Malcolm, so that's not for the minutes." "Excuse me, Julius, sorry." "Thanks for that." "I will action that." "Right." "Are we ready to continue?" "Good." "Okay, well, you can take your comments to the Prime Minister directly because when I speak to him, and I do it frequently and..." "Obviously, not just to discuss this, but also the delicate matter of the timing of the departure..." "Do you know the departure date?" "Well, look..." " MALCOLM:" "I just..." " This is not..." "This is off-minutes now." "JULIUS:" "Yes, I have been told the departure date." " You actually know it?" " Great, great." "When is it?" "James, as if I'm going to sit here now and reveal that confidential information that's..." "I'm sorry, okay." "Forget it." "Forget the whole thing." "I'm going to take some time off at Easter, by the way." "Yes, of course." "Sorry, what the..." "It's not Easter." "It's not Easter." "Right." "Stop it, because we're just going to go round and round... 12th of June. (CLEARS THROAT)" "No, Malcolm, just..." " 12th of June?" " No." "Just..." " 13th?" " Look, please." "The Prime Minister will reveal the date..." " 14th?" "...when he reveals the date." " 15th?" " There it is." " 16th?" " Lf it's possible, could you..." " 17th?" " Could you reveal the date on which he'll reveal the date?" "Would that be possible?" "You don't even have to say." "Look..." " Just..." " Nice one." "When I..." "Just nod, Julius." "Just..." "When I point to the right date just nod your head, okay?" " Just say, "That's the date."" " Look, don't mess about." "JAMIE:" "Will this help to fuck the Nutters or not?" "Look, look..." "James, those Nutters, they do not operate in a vacuum." "They're part of the party." "They're part of government." "I mean, Ben Swain's going on Newsnight tonight." "I mean, God knows what that's going to throw up." "His lunch." "It'll be a big nothing, it's just a junior Nutter being interviewed by a dwarf hack." "That is a Paxman interview." "No, it's not Paxman." "Are you sure of that?" "Yes, Malcolm, I'm sure it's Paxman." "I've just spoken to Pat Morrissey." "She confirmed about half an hour ago." "This is what..." "She's ticked this?" "Well, that's... fine." "You know, Paxman," "I mean, he's lost his teeth anyway." "He's like Russell fucking Harty these days." " Aye, but without the element of danger." " Yeah." " What happened to my tick?" " I don't know." "God, I just got it and now Pat's taken it away." "It's a two-tick system and she gets both fucking ticks." "Pumpkin ticks." "She's got a fucking enormous box as well." "Do you think Paxman wants to do it because of this..." "Has he found out about this computer fuck-up?" "Well, I was hoping we could keep a lid on that till Hugh got back." "Still late in, though, Ollie, eh?" "Opposition have you tied to the bedposts?" "Covered all over in right-wing whipped cream all the way from Thought for the Day'?" "OLLIE:" "What are you doing in, anyway?" "I thought you were on holiday whilst Hugh is on his horrible Australian nuptials and small-talk nightmare." "GLENN:" "Yes, I am." "I just popped in for the handover." "Oh, where are you off to, Glenn?" "Somewhere nice?" "Hotel?" "No." "No, I'm going down to Wales." "Promised my sister I'd do her place up." "Didn't expect her to go and buy the fucking paint, did I?" "Oh, by the way," "I ran past Hugh the idea of the coalface." " "Week At The Coalface" thing." " My idea?" "No, no, Malcolm's idea." "No, well, Malcolm had a concept and I fleshed it out, didn't I?" ""I fashioned the narrative, nigger," as we say in Brixton." "Whatever." "If Hugh had liked it, it would have been my idea, but he didn't, so it's yours." "And anyway, it's not happening." "What is he talking about?" "That's a genius idea." "Having a politician, a minister, not just a politician, go into an immigration centre for a week and work shoulder-to-shoulder with real people." "Well, not real people, civil servants." "But you know." "Morning, all." " Benjamin!" " OLLIE:" "Ben!" "OLLIE:" "Big Ben, Ben-Benji." " Welcome." "Happy New Year." " Beno, Benj." " Happy New Year to you as well." " These are the briefing notes." "Ah, splendid." "I'll file these directly in the shredder." "Thank you, Glenn." "If you just stick to what's in there you'll be all right." "Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right?" "Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps," "I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn." "But thank you very much for everything," "I'll be fine without you holding my hand." "You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to." "This is looking good." "When is it coming out?" "End of the week." "You'll be able to make the launch party?" "terri:" "Great title." "BEN:" "Thank you." "OLLIE:" "And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by..." "By Victoria Beckham?" "No, everything in there is entirely written by me, I think you'll find." "Yes." "OLLIE:" "There you go." "You have hidden talents." "Anyone heard from the Hughster?" "terri:" "Yes, he's suffering from jet lag." " Have you ever been to Australia?" " No." "Why would I want to go there?" "Full of people in khaki, squinting." "Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things." "God, yeah." "If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes you might as well as stay here." "Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire." "BEN:" "Good." "Listen, Ollie." "We may be babysitting a Nutter." "He may look like a Womble but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears." "So, keep an eye on him." "All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork" "I'll be straight on to you, don't worry." "Right." "I'm off to Wales, and the late 1950s." "Happy trails." "Oh, I can't get rid of this." "I bet you're looking forward to your holiday." "Well, yeah." "I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere because..." "Carbon." "No, bathroom." "I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom." " What is that?" " It's just..." "Is that raffia?" "He's discovered Ikea, hasn't he?" "It's all for show." "They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to Ikea." "I'm modern." "I say black instead of coloured," "I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays." "Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men." "I know." "Why is it, this last year," "I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to old money?" " Because that's not me." " You've still got a video?" "I'm a one-nation party." "(LAUGHING)" " Ah, Peter." " (COUGHING)" "Dr Stewart will see you now, hey?" "I could hear you coughing in there." "Is that your contribution to the meeting?" " EMMA:" "You all right?" " Yes, okay." "You know, it's just hanging around." "Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but right now all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff." "I was talking about the cold hanging around." "Oh, right." "Thanks very much, Em." " See you later." " You all right?" "Was that fun there?" " Yeah, it was useful." " Playing with the big boys?" "Yeah." "Now I'm back with the little boys, huh?" "No." "So." "How are you, then?" "Fine, I'm fine." "Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in," "I mean, firstly, just to say, "Hi, how are you?"" "Still fine." "Then this photo call this afternoon, "100 days of the new leader"." "We've got you a Paul Smith suit." "I did think about Vivienne Westwood or..." "Well, it was just too expensive." "And, oh..." "And a Ted Baker..." "Ted Baker shirt, right." "No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good." "But I'm already wearing a suit, and controversially, a tie." "Yeah, absolutely, sure." "But frankly, it all looks a bit '80s, you know?" "Robert Palmer, Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe." "We think this is better." "It's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming." "Try it on." " Is this a joke?" " Try the suit on." "Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed?" "Well, I don't know." "Am I?" "Because I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, "Are you still for locking up yobbos?"" "And I say, "Yeah, of course we are." And then I think, "Well, are we?"" "Because maybe I missed a memo from you." "Maybe I should understand yobbos now." "Not even call them yobbos, call them young men with issues around stabbing." " No tie, you say?" " No tie." "PETER:" "Quite a nice suit, actually." "So, we were thinking..." "Shirt outside the trousers." "Outside?" " Not tuck my shirt in?" " Yeah." "I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed." "What?" "Should I not do my flies up either?" "Let the old chap flop out." "Is that modern enough for you?" "Just try it, Peter." "Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing." "I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in." "I've done it since I was a boy." "I was told off for not doing it." "Oh, God." "No, you were right." "Sorry, no, tuck it in." "You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm." "JAMIE:" "Mr Swain." "BEN:" "Jamie." " Good morning, Ben." " Morning, Malcolm." "Off you two fuck." "Right, Ben, heard the big news about Paxo." "Oh, right." "What was it you did in your gap year again?" "Um, InterRailing, month on a kibbutz." "Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit?" "Because that's what's going to happen to you tonight with Paxman, unless..." "Unless you listen to us." "He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you." "Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much." " MALCOLM:" "Who?" " George Alagiah." "Yeah?" "Do you know what they call him?" "Easy George." "This is Paxo." "What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse face of mock incredulity at you?" "Yeah, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we?" "That old aggressive style of his is just old school." "All you need to do, you play the honest Joe, just trying to humbly get your point across and..." "Let's see you do your stuff, Mr Television, huh?" "Immigration is in disarray." "What are you going to do about it?" "Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in..." "Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck!" " You panicked already." "Shat yourself." " He's not gonna shout like that." "He's not gonna swear at me like that, is he, on live television?" "He'd just look ridiculous." "What are you going to say when he brings up the computer fuck-up?" "'Cause you're going to need something." " There's an idea of Ollie's we can use." " Yeah?" "BEN:" "A week at the coalface." "What I'll do, I actually go down into an immigration office, spend a couple of days there working on the front line with the other people in the office." " That's my fucking idea!" " Was that..." "It was." "I said that, that Hugh should do that at a drop-in centre." "Well, you know, I did sort of finesse it a bit." "MALCOLM:" "Well, just let's just use it, all right?" "Jamie's going to stay with you, okay?" "He'll be by your side until the interview is over, even if you take a dump." "Even if I take a dump, eh?" "And I shit a lot." "It's smoking and a fast metabolism." "Well, fantastic." "We'll spend the day defecating together." "It's the glamour of this job that I so much enjoy." "Feet, please." "Malcolm reckons Newsnight is gonna be an absolute shuttle crash." "But we've given Ben one of my very fine ideas as his secret weapon just in case." " Oh, yeah?" "What's that?" " Well, we're going to send him to the Immigration Centre in Watford for a week you know, work shoulder-to-shoulder with the drones, basically." "A week at the coalface." "See what the problems are from the inside." "That kind of thing." " That's actually really nice." " Oh, yeah." "I'm a genius." "Paxman versus Swain." "Bare-knuckle back street talking." " Lay a quick cable first." " Oh, off, are you?" "Shame." "I'm off for a massive shit, Phil." "Which was your toothbrush again?" "Topsy and Tim?" "That one?" "Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here?" "Are you a bit jealous?" "Of the man from the Mr Muscle adverts?" "No." "I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm going to say in my own flat." "I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something." "I tell you what." "I'll put a sex grid on the fridge." " Oh, yeah." " So that you can have dates and stuff." "I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up and maybe you could have half a Post-it note?" "You could share it with Affers maybe." "Have to write really small, though." "I've slept with three women in..." " Your life?" " Yes." " Right, here we go." " EMMA:" "Turn it up." "Seconds out." "Come on, big Ben." "PAXMAN: ... to not the faintest idea." "Where do you stand on the number of illegal immigrants in this country?" "Well, that's..." "Yes, I'm sure you'd like me to..." "Well, I'd like to answer that question, Jeremy, and I'm sure you'd like to rush me into an answer but of course..." "He doesn't look particularly relaxed, does he?" "Shh!" "Shh!" "OLLIE:" "It's his first time, though, isn't it?" "What I do think is not really what the question is about." "What..." "What's he doing with his eyes?" "(STAMMERING) The previous..." "Oh, my God, he's got a nervous blink." "That's a mega blink." "It's not just a blink." "He looks like what happens when you punch a cow." "(IMITATES MOOING)" "That's ?" "500 million over..." "Well, over the..." "I'll answer your first question, then, before you go asking me another one, Jeremy." "That's how it... ah, normally works." "Oh, my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way." "The cameramen are laughing." "Well, ?" "100 million a year?" "Yeah, well, I mean, j-j-j-just..." "EMMA:" "Stop him, stop him." "He spelled "just" with four Js." "He's like a chicken." "He's like an enormous chicken." "?" "100 million a year." "I'm quoting your own accounts." "(STUTTERING) Yes, you can quote from my accounts and I can quote from your accounts and we'd both be quoting from our accounts." "It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically... (GIBBERISH)" " Well, what about the coalface?" " Pull it." "Puncture his life belt." "Pull it." "Give him the signal." "MALCOLM:" "If he shits I'll give you 500 quid." "PAXMAN:" "What's your solution?" "Well, one of the solution packages that we're having..." "Well, my solution..." "The answer to that question is you don't know." "Well, I..." "No, I do and I wish you'd, argh..." "I wish you'd stop saying that." " PAXMAN:" "You don't know." " It's..." " Minister, thank you." " Well, no, not yet." "Minister, thank you very much." "Well, he certainly looked like a Nutter." "He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts," ""You're an Arab!" at everyone." "It's a tough day tomorrow picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car." "(EMMA CHUCKLES)" "He didn't..." "He didn't mention the coalface idea." "You don't deserve to live!" "That was the worst thing I have ever seen." "And I was in Nam." "It was fucking funny, though, wasn't it?" "I've just rung Hugh, actually." "It's first thing over there and, you know, it's made his day." "I haven't heard him sound so happy in years." "God, that doesn't sound like Hugh." "No, well, he rang back 30 seconds later, panicking." "So what did you say?" "Hang on a second, Glenn." "Can you fuck off?" "I'm trying to have a conversation." "Oh, yeah, sorry." "I'll go home." "Oh, hang on a minute." "This is my home." "Why don't you fuck off?" " Sorry, mate." " What's going on?" "No, it's just some twat being annoying." "Oh, you're not at your girlfriend's?" "Now, you don't say anything you shouldn't." "Oh, no, tits." "Do you know what, Glenn?" "I gave her the code to the nukes, and she's got PMT so we're all dead." "What do you think?" " No, I'm serious." " Yes, me too." "Hey, Ollie." "The Nutters want to know if you're coming back in for the line dancing." "OLLIE:" "Fuck off!" "How is my blog?" "My own personal blog, personally written by me?" "PHIL:" "There we go." "EMMA:" "Oh, brilliant." "PHIL:" "Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals and you had a fruit lunch." "Oh, I write very well." "What's the feedback like?" "Pretty good." "Let's see on this page here." "Here we go." "PETER: "I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook."" " What?" " Cypriot?" "Yeah, this is the shit room." "You've opened the shit room door." "EMMA:" "Oh, come on, that's not too bad." ""How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?"" " Christ, that was 12 years ago." " I hadn't seen that one." " "Adulterous Nazi."" " Or that one." "That's actually I think the same one." "This is the trouble with the public." "They're fucking horrible." "Peter, you really..." "You can't say the public are fucking horrible." "Yes, I can, I've met them." ""You've always got such a pained expression." ""Do you take it up the chutney?"" " Really." "I mean, chutney." " For God's sake." " The chutney?" " Yes, yes, it's up the arse." "See this?" "I still don't understand why people do this H8 thing." "If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly." "If you're going to say, "I hate you"..." " Good morning all." " PETER:" "Turn it off, turn it off." "Just minimise it." " What are we looking at?" " Oh, it's nothing." "Nothing." "BOTH:" "It's just the blog." "Oh, yeah." "How's all that coming?" "PHIL:" "The blog is great." "It's here." " EMMA:" "Nice picture, isn't it?" " Nice picture, nice hair." "STEWART:" "Okay, right." "Starter for 10." "Who saw Mr Swain on Newsnight last night?" " Yes!" " EMMA:" "Certainly did." "Certainly did." " PHIL:" "Superb!" " And the blinking." "What was that?" "Right, look." "Ben Swain's made immigration an issue, we should be capitalising on this while Hugh's away." "Oh, no, no, hang on." "Ministers and shadows agree holiday..." "Hugh's away, and I'm away from tomorrow." "Not in Australia but in my bathroom." "Are you an Ameri-can or an Ameri-can't, Peter?" "What does that mean?" "That doesn't mean anything." "It's not even a word." " I'm an Ameri-can." " Great, good." "Right, let's get some ideas kicking about, then." "Come on." "Okay." "Um..." "I was thinking Peter could possibly spend some time at an immigration centre, in London or just outside," " getting in there and..." " STEWART:" "Oh, that's interesting, yeah." "...spending a couple of days at the coalface." " STEWART:" "At the coalface?" " At the coalface, portraying an image of really being involved in the..." "STEWART:" "How about that, Phil, you got some thoughts on this?" "It would just be sort of fact-finding." "Right, well I want to see you, Peter, out and about at an immigration centre." "Croydon, Watford?" "Somewhere bleak, anyway." "Yes, of course you do." "What the fuck was that all about?" "You know, nicking the other lot's ideas?" "You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite." "You started it." "At least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas." "You sanctimonious twat." "Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him." "What's going on?" "Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't." "So Emma nicked it." "Oh, fuck-tastic." "Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday." "Good work." "Thanks a lot, supergrass." "You're such a bum-licker, Phil." "Why do you suck up to him so much?" "Is it because he was around in the '80s, eh?" "Is it?" "You fucking dress like you're still in the '80s." "There's nothing wrong with the '80s." "I mean, a lot of good things came out of the '80s." "Miami Vice, deregulation of the stock exchange." "Us being in power." "That was pretty bloody good, wasn't it?" "What is this?" "Sexual tension?" "Fuck off." "I'd rather pay for it." "EMMA:" "I'd fucking rather eat my own shit." "Well, take it elsewhere." "Yeah, they're with the grouting in the garage." "Yeah." "Yeah." "And don't you dare talk to Ollie about this." "Not until I've spoken to him, okay?" "Fine by me, although he is going to know we're announcing it, because we're announcing it." "Stupid twat." "Yeah, you just email it in." "Straight away it's up on Mannion's blog." "I sent him one that says, "Yeah, I totally agree." ""Yes, schoolchildren should be allowed to carry knives."" "Oh, here he is." "MALCOLM:" "Dead man walking." "L-l-I wish you wouldn't keep saying that." "(IMITATES BEN'S STUTTERING)" "Who's your favourite band?" "Blink 182?" "Ollie, look, um..." "Phil pitched Stewart the coalface idea and he's gone with it." "I just thought I should warn you." "Oh, well, thanks a bundle." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "I'm warning you, you've got three minutes to live." "What am I supposed to do, Emma, boil a fucking egg?" "(COUGHING)" "Oh!" "That's like smoking dead skin, that is." "That's not a proper cigar." "Proper cigars are those big Cuban whoppers." "That's just a jumped-up fag." " Talking of which." " OLLIE:" "Hi." "Hey!" "Is it rag week?" "Do you fancy a cigar?" "I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects." "Hand-rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin, with big tits and four kids." "Yeah, thanks." "Um..." "Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually." "The opposition have got the "Week At The Coalface" idea." "They're gonna do it." "Who?" "When?" "Peter Mannion." "I don't know when." "How the fuck did they get that?" "Your fucking girlfriend." "Jesus Christ!" "You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago." "Well, I would have done." "She is mad." "She's a mental woman." "But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her just in case I found anything out." "Oh, and what did you find out?" "That you've been leaking intelligence to them?" "You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever." "You're David fucking Niven." "Terri, are you still here?" "Put your glass down and meet me in the kitchen." " Just follow the fucking crumbs." " What's this?" "What is going on with this coalface bullshit, Terri?" "What's this?" "What's this?" "I don't understand." "The opposition fact-finding immigration." "There was an official request this afternoon from Stewart Pearson, their PR guy." "I saw no legitimate reason to stop it, so..." " And he was very nice." " He was nice?" "Good manners cost nothing, Malcolm." "I mean, just because you two were raised by Scotch wolves." "Jesus Christ!" "Is it this fucking easy to get into your knickers?" "'Cause if I was you, I would go down to the clap clinic and get them to get a good look up you." " Listen, I followed procedure." " JAMIE:" "Two ticks, yeah?" "No, I didn't have to do the two ticks." "I put a memo through to Julius and, well, he okayed it and it is going ahead." "Excuse me." "Benjamin, come here." "We need to talk in here." "Hi, Glenn." "Something might be, er, happening." "It'll probably be on News 24, to be honest." "I haven't got digital here." "I've barely got terrestrial." "It's fucking barbaric." "Malcolm Tucker." "Now, what do I owe the pleasure?" "This coalface bullshit is going to make us look like a bunch of gurning wankers." "We will not look like gurning people." "They point out the problems." "We solve it." "It's a damn slight more subtle than raising it ourselves, hmm?" "You actually want the opposition to do this?" "We are through the looking glass now, folks." "Fuck me." "We're going to get My Little Phoney - young Benjamin here - to announce that he's going to the coalface and we're going to do this before the wankers do!" "Okay?" "You two, come with me." "Get him properly fucking screen-tested." "I'm sorry, mate, but you need a lot of powder." "I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head." "Yeah." "No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I?" "Which is..." "And who was it that did your media training?" "Myra Hindley?" "I mean, it was terrible, all this..." "Hands were all over the place." "You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra." "It was like watching john Leslie at work." "Yes." "I know all of that." "(STUTTERS) It just kind of fell away." "God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around" "Covent Garden in just your vest and everyone's staring at you." "I think it was much worse than that." "I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden?" "A few thousand?" "Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people." "That's more people than saw Al Jolson in his entire career." "And that's Al fucking Jolson!" " He loves Al Jolson." " The guvnor." "# Mammy #" "You take the piss out of Jolson again and I will remove your iPod from its tiny nano-sheath and push it up your cock." "And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse and put it on to shuffle with my fucking fist." "I tell you, and every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on," "I will skip to the next track by crushing your balls!" "Bollocks!" "They've shot their wad." "They've announced it already." " JAMIE:" "They beat us to it?" " Right, you two fuck off." "You stay here, I need to kill you." "Why didn't you just tell me?" "Why did you..." "Why did you have to say it was Phil who did it, eh?" "Well, it kind of was Phil a bit, that did it." "In what way was it kind of Phil when you fucking nicked it?" "Like you've never done anything like this." "I should have told you sooner but I couldn't because Stewart had to stop Malcolm from blocking it." "All right?" " Look, this is just the game..." " The game we're in." " Yeah, it's the game we're in." " Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's the game." "EMMA:" "Oh, great." "OLLIE:" "Oh, good, it's Hugh Grant." "How are you two lovebirds getting on, then?" "Fuck off, Phil!" "Phil, seriously, this isn't the time for this." "What?" "To be in my own flat?" "No, it never is, 'cause this fucking stalker is always here." "If you spend any more time here," "I'll have to get a restraining order against you." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Did you steal any ideas on your way home, Phil?" " Is this coalface?" " Yes, of course it's coalface!" "Well, A, I thought that idea had been around so long it was out of copyright like an old folksong or something." "And B, I didn't steal your idea, she did." "Well, A, fuck off!" "And B..." "Yes, I know that now." "Well, A, fuck you back." "And B, you know this now, so originally you told him that I was the one who nicked the idea." "You are a smart cookie." "Yes." "Oh, sorry." "Do you know what?" "Maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie." "Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey?" "Christ, Ollie!" "Well, if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner?" "Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner." "If it had been up..." "Oh, Okay." "This is Malcolm, isn't it?" "Malcolm has been pimping you out." "You fucking sad little..." "That's funny." " Fuck you, Phil!" " Fuck you, Phil!" "Oh, suddenly I'm the bad guy again." "Go and read your blog, nerd boy." "I'm going." "This is the point where I go." "Wow, that point actually exists." "Incredible." "I will be so not sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit." "I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men." "And..." "It is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing." "Fuck you, Ollie!" "And put your keys on the side." "He's got keys?" "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" "Good morning." "Well, I'm hoping to get a first-hand look at the systemic problems in the system and how we can sort them out." "What do you think is wrong with the computer system here, Mr Mannion?" "Well, that's what I hope to find out this morning." "That's the whole purpose of the exercise." "REPORTER:" "Have you sorted out your blog, Mr Mannion?" " Morning." " REPORTER:" "Your blog?" "Give me your tie." " We're not wearing that today." " Oh, for God's sake." "And that, actually." "Welcome, welcome to Immigration." "PETER:" "This is the office, is it?" "terri:" "Yes." "MALCOLM:" "See, that should have been our guy up there." "No tie." "JAMIE:" "I love the no tie." "I like the no tie thing." "When everyone went out of the office he just googled his name." "Yeah, that's always fun." "Although I find it quicker just to poke needles in my eyes." "PETER:" "Phil." "Have you seen my blog?" "Uh, yeah." "I thought you said nobody reads these things except political obsessives and mad Christians in wheelchairs, but loads of people read mine." "Because there's a shit-load of new abuse on that feedback thing." "Yeah, I mean, you, um... read the thing about you being a Holocaust denier?" "Yeah, and the thing about cats." "I mean, I'm thinking, and it's a bit technical, but I think we may have been the victims of a link-jacking." "I think someone's link-jacking the blog." "Link-jack?" "I mean, you so obviously just made that up." "terri:" "He's saying something about link-jacking." "Look, try and put a lid on it." "It's bad enough having to work here with these fucking zombies without, without, without this." "PHIL:" "Okay." "Christ, I need a fag." "STEWART:" "So." "How's it going, then?" "First day and all that." "They show you where to put your pumps, hmm?" "Good news, we made tomorrow's papers, gentlemen." "Da-da!" " PETER:" "Oh, for God's sake." " Yeah." "On the downside, you appear to be smoking a cigarette." "On the upside, there's no tie." "So, well done." "Well, good first day." "And the blog." "That's blowing up quite spectacularly, isn't it?" "So, you little cat rapist, you." "What are you going to do about it?" "Well, a two-pronged strategy." "Firstly, I'm across the filter." "That one?" "Whoopedy do, then." "And the second, even more impressive prong, is that" "Peter has uncovered some real problems down at the immigration centre." "There's a crack between databases, which means that illegal applicants from candidate EU nations, even criminals, are just swarming in, while genuine applicants are left hanging." "Let's not use those words, eh?" ""Illegals" and "swarming", etcetera, all right?" "We're going to need something to announce, so you might want to start to think about that." " What, a policy?" " Not a policy." "Oh no, that's what I meant." "Not a policy." "So, what shall I announce?" "A patriotic tattoo?" "A change of sexual orientation?" "We just need a policy flavour, Peter." "So, why don't you start thinking about it?" "Fine." "It's just that I have always been consistently way ahead of the party on this." "I have always welcomed immigration, the economic benefits." "It's JB and his Eton clique who are always texting each other about "dune coons" and "nip in the air"." "Do you remember him laughing at Frank's party at the one about the Pakistani guy being thrown off the train?" "Yeah." "JB has got some very progressive views." "But I think we'll find what he was doing was ironising, Peter." "Why don't you get out there and start neutralising some negatives, okay?" " Vis-a-vis the blog, all right?" " Yeah." " The system stinks." " Yeah." "We do not have a go at immigrants." " Okay." "I love immigrants." " STEWART:" "Yeah, I'm sure you do." "I eat take away, use minicabs." "I'm down with them." " Okay, I'll..." " STEWART:" "Thanks." "Well, Stew, if you could nix the press harping on about this blog thing." "Can you do that?" "Can you manage that?" "I'm already on to that, Peter." "My guys reckon that they can probably trace most of the poo-slinging back to Malcolm Tucker's IP address." "Oh, that would be lovely." "So, we're going to run with that story tomorrow." "Very good." "Well done." "MALCOLM:" "The story isn't me, Glenn, okay?" "Nobody's interested in me and I'll be pleased if you'd remember that, okay?" "You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back?" "We could give you some cover." "Hugh is not coming back." "It would look like we're panicking and we're not panicking." "But I need you back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking." "So you want me to interrupt my holiday in a panic so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt his holiday" " and look like he's panicking?" " You get back here!" "I want to see you popping a bollock for me!" "JAMIE:" "You seen this?" "No, I haven't seen that." "I'm the senior press guy for the government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland." "No, I don't look at the newspapers." "That's fucking news to me." "All right, all right." "What are we doing?" "What are we doing?" "Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here." "Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malcolm." "They spelt your name right and everything." "Look, we're not doing nothing." "No drawing attention to it." "I'm not drawing attention to it." "You're drawing my attention to it!" "Stop looking at it!" "All right, all right." "We'll stay frozen to the fucking floor and we'll send everybody in the media to Coventry." "That will help." "That will help." "That's the way I want to play it, okay?" "I'm going for a walk." "A walk?" "Yeah, what?" "Do I need your fucking permission to go for a walk?" " No, you go for a walk..." "Yes." " I can go for a walk." "I've just never seen you go for a walk before." "How do you think I get in here in the morning?" "How do you think I get from the front door to here?" "I fucking walk, don't I?" "Yeah, but you don't go for a walk." "I'm away for a walk!" "Julius!" "You should try the chicken salad." "If I'm lucky you'll get salmonella." "Now, that... that is amusing, Malcolm." "That's very funny." "Don't you have a little sandwich flunky?" "No, no, no, I like to see them myself, you know, feel the heft." "Oh, yeah." "Of course, of course you've fucking got to do that, haven't you?" " Feel the weight of them." " Anyway, see you in the papers, Malc." " I'm not in the papers." " Oh, you are in the papers, Malc." "I'm not the story here, you know." "People are not interested in me." "Well, anyway, the PM has asked me to make a few key nodes aware of a change in his thinking." "All right, yeah, of course, 'cause you're chief of the nodes," " aren't you?" " I am the chief node." "The node of node hall." "The Peter Mannion "coalface" thing has rather made the PM" " accelerate his plans." " In what way?" "He's given me a date." "A rather surprising date." " Well, what is the date?" " I can't tell you the date." " Well, I need to know the date." " Well, it is a surprising date." "What the fuck does that mean?" "The titty-ninth of February?" "Flatember the fourth?" "Eight B. C?" " It means it is a surprising date." " Right." "But it does also mean that the PM is going to announce the legacy, the Independent Immigration Service, on Friday." " Friday, three days' time." " Three days." "So in six months and three days, he's gonna be gone." " Six months and three days, that's..." " Malcolm, don't try and work it out." "MALCOLM:" "Yeah, look, I'm not hungry." "I'll see you later, okay?" "JULIUS:" "All right, Bye bye." "OLLIE:" "I mean, that is why it's called the ?" "5 present, it's supposed to cost ?" "5." "If you pay more than ?" "5 and it looks like you paid more than ?" "5, everybody thinks you're a dick." "They think you're just being a bit flashy about stuff." "That's the..." "Can I call you back?" " Ollie." " Hello." " I've been looking for you, Ollie." " Right." "You and me, Ollie, hey?" "I just realised that we're in the same boat, yeah?" "Well, I mean, obviously, I'm up on the bridge with the binoculars and the Richard Gere gear on, and you're down in the engine room trying not to get bum-raped by a bunch of big lads with shovels." "But essentially, it's the same boat." "What?" "Sorry, what boat are we discussing?" "Well, the thing is, people like you and I, Ollie, we need time, right?" " Right." " We need time to ease the transition from one regime to the next." "And I've been hearing from a very nasty and very baldy little bird that we might not be getting the time that we need to make the alliances that we need to ease the transition." "Okay." "So..." "I want the opposition to make an announcement for me." " The opposition?" " Yeah." "I want them to announce the hiving off of immigration to a non-political executive body." " That's the PM's legacy." " Yeah." "But the opposition..." "It's a different party, Malcolm." "I can't make them do things." "Even you can't make them do things." "Where's all this education, where does it go when it comes to this?" "I understand that there's this party and there's this party, and we're this party and they're this party, and therefore how can I influence that?" "You take this and this and you put it onto your bird's breasts and you rub them and squeeze them very, very gently." "You get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out." "You make sure that she comes and you just give her the policy." "Yeah, but I chucked her." "And not in a kind of you, you know," ""It's not you, it's me" sort of way." "More in a "It is you, you hideous," ""vacuous, Sloane bitch from hell"." "I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff." "Get round there, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder." "Malcolm, this is really crossing the line here." "Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking Blue Peter badge-wearing ponce." "Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International." "Go buy a goat the whole village can fuck, but you are doing this for me." "Malcolm, you're bullying me." "And, you know, I don't know why you're bullying me." "How dare you?" "How dare you?" "Don't you ever, ever call me a bully." "I'm so much worse than that." "Do it." "Okay?" "Go wash your hands." "Cheers, Affers." "Thanks, mate, thanks a lot." "Hi." "What the fuck are you doing here?" "The traditional lover's greeting." "I just wanted to pop round and say, you know, last time..." "I was hoping we could forget about last time, basically, because..." "Seriously, could he not just fuck off?" "It's like trying to do Brief Encounter at the Happy Eater." "Affers, would you mind fucking off?" "EMMA:" "Thanks, darling." "I just don't think we should fall out over a stupid stolen policy initiative." "I think it's, you know..." "I mean, even if it was a quite serious breach of the Chinese wall," "I just feel like, you know, on the politics..." "I just..." "I want to feel like I can trust you, I can talk openly." "Like, you know we've got..." "There's this big policy initiative and it's exactly the kind of thing that you'd be interested in." "Totally down your street and I just want to able to know that I can talk about it in front of you, openly, you know?" "So, Malcolm sent you over here to leak a policy?" "No." "Well, yes." "But..." "You really are a very slow fucker-offer, aren't you?" "And is this the only reason you've come round?" "No, no, no." "No." "No, I'm basically, I'm here for us." "I mean, you know..." "Would you like a city break in Venice?" "So, go on, then." "What's the policy?" "Right." "It's massive, it's literally massive." "It's..." "It's the PM's legacy." "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" "MALCOLM:" "The thing is, I've been working very closely with Ben and apart from the fact I think we might have to fucking wire his eyes open, he might just be a bit of a player." "Well, thank you, this is lavish and fulsome praise." "Honestly, I'm..." "So you haven't come dashing back in a panic, then?" "Not at all." "No, no, no." "I soon realised I'd tired of all the rural delights of South Wales, which consisted solely, it seemed to me, of a single shop selling firelighters and bargain cling-film." "Do I know you?" "Oh, don't you work for somebody famous?" "Malcolm Hamish Macdeath?" "It's Peter Onion, isn't it?" "That's right." "I always forget." "Were you the forced abortion or the love child?" "Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi?" "Just the love child." "I was the quiet one." "Like John Deacon in Queen." "Ah, Julius." "Haven't seen you since Carla Powell's." "What are you doing here?" "I wanted to have a chat with you, sir." "I hear on the journalistic political grapevine nexus that you're getting your boys to attend the media centre tomorrow." "Oh, now, tell me, what's all that about?" "Oh, I couldn't possibly say, Julius." "Oh, come on, Peter." "Come on." "Chatham House rules." "I won't say a word." "Well, just between us, off the back of my visit, float immigration." "Kick the whole political football out of the policy minefield and into the electoral goal." "That's a good idea." "That's a good idea." "Hmm." "Nice." "Oh, listen, I need to find myself a maize-based snack." " So, you just bear with me one second." " Okay." "Pat?" "Pat?" "Sorry, are you eating?" "Sorry." "Look, I need you to do something immediately." "Why are you wearing that?" "What do you mean, why am I wearing this?" "It's a tie." " It goes with the shirt." " But we put it in the bin." ""We" didn't put it in the bin." "You put it in the bin." "I took it out of the bin." "There is no "we" when it comes to ties and bins." "Okay." "It looks very strange." "Well, of course it looks strange, it's been in the bin." "Julius Nicholson, what are you doing out of your Petri dish?" "I mean, this is a book launch, you know, it's not a fucking book burning." "JULIUS:" "This is a serious code alert." "I've just been talking to Peter Mannion." "Apparently, he's got a similar policy to the legacy and he's announcing it tomorrow." " What, it's like the legacy thing?" " Totally." "Well, that's fucking going to spoil it." "Where did he get that from?" "Where did he get that from?" "JULIUS:" "No, it's not going to spoil it because because I've been on the phone to Pat Morrissey." "We're going to bring the PM's announcement forward to tomorrow, 11 a.m. Don't say a word." " What?" " Tomorrow, 11:00." "11:00 is not a good time." "Of course it is." "If we bring it out early it won't cause a problem." "Who ticked this?" "I didn't tick this." "This has just happened and I haven't ticked this." "I have got a tick." "What's happened to my tick?" "I'm at the top line." "I should have been informed about this." "I have informed you." "There you are, you're being informed." "You haven't informed me." "What you've done is you've bumped into me at a book launch." "No, I've not just bumped into you at a book launch." "Is this how we're going to run things from now on?" " No, of course it's not." " Is it?" ""Oh, we're going to bomb Sudan."" ""Oh, really?" "Shall I go and tell the Chief of Defence Staff?"" ""Oh, I'm sure we'll just bump into him at fucking Costa Coffee at some point."" " JULIUS:" "Please listen to me." " I'm listening." "JULIUS:" "Things are moving very fast." "Yes, they're moving fast." "Right." "Okay, right." "And I'm going to sort this out." "You are fucking useless to me." "Right." " Ow, Malcolm." " Come here." "Mannion is not announcing early enough." "Look, Malcolm." "They're the opposition." "They've got their own minds and they can make them up." "I can't control them, you can't control them." "Who do you even answer to?" "You're like a one-man guerrilla army operating against your own fucking government." "This is the not the day for you to be brave with me, boy." "Let me tell you that." "You're no fucking Andy McNab." "Watch my moves." " Right, Ben, you're coming with me." " I'm signing books..." "Put the book down." "I don't care whether you're signing books." "Come with me before I stick your nuts in a book and squeeze them so hard they come out like pressed fucking flowers." "You, Christopher fucking Robin, you come with me." "I want you to announce a policy for me." "And I want you to take the full credit and be the face of it." "BEN:" "This is an overture, then, Malcolm?" "So you're coming round to the Nutter way of thinking?" "You bailing out on the PM?" "No, of course not." "What's your policy?" "What's your idea?" "Taking immigration out of political control." "Hang on, hang on." "You're giving this to him now, are you?" "MALCOLM:" "I'm going to bang you on Newsnight, right?" "And you are going to fly this time, my friend." "You are going to light up the sky." "Where's your phone?" "Give us your phone." "BEN:" "Oh, not Newsnight, Malc, I..." "How are we going to pay for it?" "They'll ask me that." "How are we going to pay for this?" "Ollie, where's the money coming from?" "We can just cancel something that's already on the slate, maybe?" "Oh, brilliant." "I'll say that, that will be great." "Thank you, Carol Vorderman." "Well, why don't we say that we're wrapping up the citizenship programme with this?" "I mean, it won't add up, but then, they'll find it very hard to prove because we've never actually said how much citizenship costs in the first place." " So..." "Down with that?" " That'll do." "Okay." " This is it." " Oh, no, hold on." " This is it." " I've got to have a think about it." "No, don't, don't wave my phone at me." "That's not going to help." "Put the phone down, he's doing the blinky thing again." "Right, well, if you're not going to go on," "I'm going to get this giggling streak of piss to go on to Newsnight." "I don't even fucking care." "Let it be his chinless, sulky little face that everyone sees for the whole of the next week." "Oh, fuck it, I'll do it." "Yes, I'll do it." " Yes, you are the man!" " I am." "Hi, Liz, how are you doing?" "Yeah." "Good to talk to you." "Listen, um, I think that you're going to have to bump your lead." "Yes, I have got Ben Swain with an exclusive announcement." "It's a very special..." "Have I broken into a party?" "Have you got permission from the party committee?" "What's happening?" "Fucking fantasy football." " What's going on?" " I'm going on Newsnight." "Oh, good for you." "Tell Paxo to bring it on 'cause this time he's facing Russell fucking Crowe." " When you..." " Discuss the executive," " well, the immigration executive policy." " You're going to what?" "About outsourcing or taking away immigration control from the government." "I'm announcing on Newsnight, yeah." "JULIUS:" "When?" "BEN:" "Well, tonight." "JULIUS:" "Tonight?" "BEN:" "Yeah." " You're going on Newsnight tonight?" " Yes, sir." "Yeah." "I'll talk to you in a minute." "He didn't tell him, did he?" "He... did actually tell him, yes." "Right, okay." "I think, Malcolm Tucker, if you'd like to tell me just what the f-word is going on?" "Yeah, I thought it would be a good idea just to tee-up the legacy, to make a pre-announcement on Newsnight." "What do you mean a pre-announcement?" "What does that mean?" "What does it mean?" "It doesn't mean anything, Malcolm." "The fact is, this is top secret until the Prime Minister announces it." "Otherwise this is a massive fly in the ointment of the departure programme." "Okay?" " Yeah." "Fine." " Right." " Well, it's not fine, but..." " Yeah, great, so." "That's it." "All right, that's your 15 minutes up." "You should have been a bit faster off your feet." "MALCOLM:" "Just don't clearly mention the policy." "Well, I can't mention..." "Well, you'll have to cancel the..." "Cancel it?" "Are you fucking kidding me?" "You've just watched me break my not inconsiderable balls trying to get you the second spot on Newsnight and succeeding." "I can't back down." "No, no, no." "You're on, pal." "Right?" "And it better not be too boring and it better not be too interesting, either." "Okay?" "And it better not cost too much." "It can't be an old thing, obviously." "And don't make it too new." "And whatever you do, please try not to embarrass yourself." "Right?" "Oh, for fuck's sake." "I want to talk to you about this formally at some point." " Yeah, yeah." " No, I'm serious, Malcolm." "Formally, this is unacceptable." "Yeah, get me a tuna wrap, fucking sandwich boy." "No, not get me a tuna wrap." "I'm gonna meet the PM about this." "And you can fuck off as well, Joe 90." "I blame you for this, a lot." "That is hardly fair, Malcolm." "Fucking hell." "I've humiliated myself for you over this." "I'm going to fucking Venice for you over this." "Get out the door." "Hi, Liz, yeah, sorry about that." "It's me." "Look, I just wanted to say to you I'm coming on, okay?" "On Newsnight, yeah." "Me, personally." "Book me in." "Liz?" "Hi, Liz." "That was..." "I was just getting ahead of myself there, you've got to understand that." "I obviously..." "I wouldn't come..." "It would be wrong for me to come on to your programme." "No, you cannot." "Me calling up to say that is not in itself a story." "You can't run with that." "You cannot fucking run with me coming..." "You can't run with that as a fucking story, all right?" "You fucking sour-faced bitch!" "Christ!" "Sam, no, not right now." "Not right now." "Okay?" "Later, right?" "No, it's not Ben Swain, it's me." "I'm using his phone because I knew you wouldn't pick up for me." "Please, would you just listen to me for one minute?" "I just want to apologise, okay?" "I was a bit abrupt." "Bit of sort of horseplay here that got out of hand." "I don't mind, you can tell anybody you like that I was having a carry on, because that's, you know, not usually the kind of thing I do." "But it is, that's over." "All right, Liz?" "Do you accept that?" "Do..." "Right, I want one minute of your time, Malcolm." "Just thought you'd like to know that..." "Thanks to the maelstrom of confusion and the too-ing and the fro-ing and the chopping and the changing, the legacy project has now been ditched." "The Prime Minister has decided to pull it." "Yeah, I hope you're rather happy about that, Malcolm." "I'm sure you are." "You know, Julius, if I wasn't a heterosexual man, I would kiss you." "Right, well, I've just seen six months' work go up the chimney." "Thank you very much, Malcolm." "Good night." " No problem." " I'll make a mental note of it." "The book is a major announcement because it announces and it informs on several major series of ideas within British politics." "Although, you know, there's no easy answer to everything." "Well, difficult questions." "It's complex questions, a complex situation." "Quite a good..." " Turnout?" " Turnout, yes, isn't it?" "You've obviously gone with the tie." "Yes, um... (CLEARS THROAT)" "We thought more gravitas." "You know, the guy with the tie." "This is the kind of guy that immigrants can do business with." "A tie is appropriate here." "This is very much a..." "No tie." "This is a tie-free zone." " Right." "That's great." " EMMA:" "If you give me the tie I'll..." "Do you want my tie off?" "No, I want you to tie your tie very, very tight." "Don't do the button thing." "Now it looks like he spent a night in the cells." "Once more into the breach." " Morning." " REPORTERS:" "Morning." "So, how was Paxo last night?" "He didn't look too happy." "I have it on good authority he'd happily chew off my balls with his own teeth." "Ah, Paxo." "I'll miss him when he has that massive coronary." "Right, well, this looks reasonably unappealing." "A large gloat session." "Oh, come on, Julius." "Don't be like that." "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming at such short notice." "I'm just going to make a summary of my findings and conclusions... (MOBILE RINGING) ...after my work down at the Watford Immigration and Asylum Centre." "And also a member of my team can give you a press pack with..." " (MOBILES RINGING) ...with more specific..." " EMMA:" "What the hell?" " What's going on?" "What's the..." "What?" " The PM's fucking resigned." " What?" "He was getting off a plane in Sunderland and he announced it." "Gonna make a full statement at five." "But that's it." "He's gonna act as caretaker for one month." "But he's fucking gone." "Goodbye!" "And thanks for all the varicose veins." " Prime Minister has resigned." " You're shitting me." "No, I'm not shitting you, Ollie." "Where's the telly?" "Put it on." "I don't know, you're in charge of communications and television counts as communications." "Where is it?" "Do you know..." "I don't know where it is." "This is it, phase two, this is the line, for the next 24 hours, right?" "You speak to everyone you know and you praise him, right?" "You praise him like he's your dead brother." "All right?" "Nothing else." "I just want to hear praise, praise, praise." "Shittest fucking television." "Look at the fucking size of it." "Has this thing got a scart cable on it, or what?" "Who can plug this television in?" "Right." "Jamie, you gotta get on to this." "You fucking dick!" " What?" " This is all down to you, you know." " Oh, don't be so fucking stupid." " You're a fucking Nutter." " I'm not a Nutter." " Oh, you are going Nutter, mate." "Oh, yeah, of course you've never fucking thought about that, have you?" "No, I never have because that's how they get you." "Fuck that." "Thinking or logic, reason, talking." "Hello?" "Hugh?" "Hugh?" "It's Glenn." "Hi, now listen," "I think this is going to work to your advantage, yeah?" "You see, because I know you're not a Nutter, but you're not seen as being not a Nutter, either." "Are you with me?" "War cabinet in here now." "Emma, join us." "What shall I do?" "Instead of announcing my thing," " should I praise him on television?" " Let's think." "Why don't you go there and wait for a camera crew to pass through?" "I don't think you're going on the telly, Peter." "You know, as far as the click thing goes, you know, you really click with Tom's wife and Fatty's, you know, whatever, not wife, so, you know, that particular glass ceiling is smashed." "Excuse me, whose office..." "Whose office is this?" " Sorry." " Sorry." "Thank you very much." "It's a private office." "Well, I might as well call myself on unofficial leave now." "Nothing will happen for the next three weeks, absolutely zero." "I'm going to book that holiday." "Yeah, well, I mean, all they'll be doing, they'll be bobbing about like emperor penguins trying to swap over an egg." "Blown out of the fucking water." "Two days in that hell hole." "Two days in that fucking pit." "I could rape a cat now and I wouldn't get a paragraph." "Try to work out what the policy of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship is about to do next." "I'd love to but I've got an old man shouting at me." "Where's my tie?" "Who's got my tie?" "Have you got my tie?" "Can I have my tie?" " He wants his tie." " Give me my tie, for God's sake." "Give me my fucking tie!" "I'm sick of all this rubbish." "What happens to me, right?" "What happens to me?" "He's gone, right?" "Does he lift the phone?" "Does he, fuck." "You're fucking bums, the lot of you." "Get out." "Go and fucking sort yourself out." "Where's your pal Ben Swain?" "Morning, all." "What a sad day." "Yes, it is, isn't it?" "Yeah." " Have you spoken to Hugh yet?" " Yes, I have, yup." " What did he say?" " Well, you know..." " Well, he's interested." " Interested in?" "Well, I can't tell you what he's interested in." " Well, he's a capable man." " Well, you have to admit" " that it's a very interesting situation." " Indeed." "And he is very interested in being in the situation." "(MOBILE RINGING)" "There it goes again." "Hang on a sec." "Excuse me." "Yeah, just give me those." "Just go and sit down somewhere, Phil." "Try not to touch anything, all right?" " What's the matter with you?" " It's big news." "It's just..." "I don't know how to react." " You don't know how to react?" " What do you mean?" " Why don't you go make some coffee?" " I'll get some coffee." "Yeah, Maldives, I thought, yeah." " Ollie, how are you?" " Yeah, I'm good." "It's certainly an interesting moment." "I think "interesting" has pretty much been heavily discussed." "Are... are you interested?" "Yeah, I mean, yeah." "I mean..." "But my first loyalty, obviously is to Hugh." " Naturally." " But..." "Naturally." "You'll be borne in mind." "No, I can't believe it." "That was not the date." "You can say that again." "I was given an incorrect date." "Either the date was changed..." "Or the original date was not the actual day." "I fucking know that." "I want JB over from Portcullis now." "Someone send a car around for him." "Somebody send a carpet round for him, but I want JB here now." "I can't believe he didn't tell me the fucking date, I mean..." "That is fucking rude, isn't it?" "Mmm?" "Yeah, well, I think my diaries will make pretty interesting reading." "The day he tried to sack the chief examiner of his son's retake marks." "Oh, yes, I think that might make quite interesting reading, actually." "PETER:" "Yeah." "Zudek?" "It's Peter." "Will it be possible to get the hot water on again?" "No, I don't care what it costs." "Yes?" "Ah, that's bloody marvellous, that is quite literally the best news I've had all day." "I'm coming home and I'm running a bath and I'm sitting in it till sometime next week."