"(Bird singing loudly)" "(Song continues)" " (Sighs heavily) - (Birdsong continues)" "Hey, Susan." " Hey, you're the nature lover." " (Snores and murmurs)" "(Snores gently)" "(Snores loudly)" "(Snores)" "(Birdsong)" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "(Dog barking)" "(Barking continues)" " Shh!" "Shut up!" " (Shattering glass)" "(Sighs)" "(Alarm clock ringing)" "(Ringing stops)" "Good morning." "No, it isn't." "You always wake up so grumpy." "OK, Mr Fisher, and bite down, please." "Very good." "Brigitte, kidney dish." "Well, that's lovely." "So, what did you do at the weekend?" " Mmm... mmmm..." " Yes, it can be expensive." " Mm?" " Me?" "I had a marvellous weekend down at the DIY superstore." "Loads of fun dragging a sulky teenager around trying to get them into decorating." "I often wonder where they get the staff from." "Any chance of that kidney dish before I retire?" " See these?" " (Gasps)" " 18 quid, they cost." " (Muffled shriek)" "I know, that's what I thought." "All they do is cut tiles." "Kidney dish?" "You can have it when you apologise." "Have you met my part-time assistant?" "Who I pay full-time?" "All right, all right, I'm very sorry that I said you had the memory of a retarded glove puppet." " Thank you." " Thank you." "But it doesn't change the fact you've been forgetting to pass on my messages." "Just cos you've got trouble at home." "I haven't got trouble at home." "I forgot - your wife rang." "There's trouble at home." "Voila!" "What do you think?" "Oh, Mum..." "Well, you've done it again." "Thank you, dear." "Do you want to tell the boys dinner's ready?" "That's right - make me the bringer of bad news." "Bad news?" "Having a sit-down meal with your family?" "Yeah." "Michael?" "Nick?" "Yellow alert!" "Mum?" "What do you think of tongue studs?" "They're ugly, disgusting and unhygienic." " Good, cos I want a tattoo." " No." "OK, when's Dad coming home?" "Ignoring the subtext of that, I think he's working late today." "Why?" "I left a message to come home early." "Stupid, I know." "Hi!" "Hi, darling." "I'm... sorry I'm late." " I didn't get your message." " What message?" " What message was what?" " The one you didn't get." "The mess..." "Ah, ah..." "Mm, that smells good." "I knew it." "Dad's having an affair." "(Laughs)" "Cruel laugh, Susan, and I'll ignore it." " Like you ignored my messages." " No, that was the glove puppet." "What's the trouble?" "Michael's having a problem with Jason Hodder." "Hodder, J. The little fat kid who smells like sour milk?" "No, that's Keith Burstall, Jason's the one with the itch." "(Winces) Which end?" "No, that's Lee Matthews." "Jason had head lice." "Spread like wildfire." "Mm." "I never thanked him properly for that." "What's he spreading now - cholera?" "Typhoid?" "Distemper?" "No, this time it's different." "He's picking on Michael." " He didn't want to go to school." " Who would, with a foul class like that?" "School's meant to be unpleasant." "To prepare you for life." "Look, do you really want to be left out of family discussions?" "(Mumbles and tuts)" "So, problem with Jason - probably youthful high spirits." "I mean, good God, everyone's had a Jason Hodder at school." "Look at me" " I had Digger Beaumont." "Ha!" "(Grunts)" "(Croakily) Never did me any harm." " I'm here." " Oh, God." "Hey, guess what?" "I'm gonna buy us a new house." "That's great, Nick." "So you got the job at Burger King?" "Yeah, right, Dad." "Really?" "That's great." "Shouldn't you get a good idea first?" "But it is a good idea." "All that money." "Why did we have him?" "You were too lazy to get out of bed and walk across the room to the drawer." "Hmm." "This is, erm..." "Isn't it?" "It's really, erm..." "It's, erm..." "What is it?" " Nepalese lamb melange." " You said it would be chicken." "I never name a dish until after I've tasted it." "Bon appetit." "Shouldn't that be "bonne chance"?" " (Phone)" " I'll get it." "Probably be one of my investors." "Dad, can I have a car?" "A car?" "What?" "You're 16." "You can't even drive." " It's just my opening gambit." " What's your fallback position?" " A DVD player." "Can I have one?" " No." " What do you really want?" " A tattoo." "A tatt?" "(Splutters)" "No way." "All the girls at school have got one." "One of the girls at school has got a baby." "Maybe a tattoo sounds better and better." "No." "Michael, that was your friend, Stinky Cheeseboy." "His name's Keith, and it's glandular." "He can't help it." "He wants to know if you got your underpants down from the lamppost." "Is there something you want to tell us, Michael?" " Is Jason Hodder picking on you?" " No!" "Then you've got some serious explaining to do!" "Darling, why didn't you tell us?" " Two reasons." "You and Dad." " What?" "!" "You'd've overreacted and Dad wouldn't react at all." "So I took an average and didn't tell you." " My poor baby!" " I can't breathe." "I don't react?" "Well, there you are then." "First thing tomorrow I'll ring the school." "Good idea - that'll make him really popular." "I react, no one listens." "If the worst happens, and it will, can I have your computer?" "Then it's agreed." "I'll call the office first thing." "No, Mum!" "You're such a control freak." "Me?" "A control freak?" "All I care about is the happiness of my children." " Great, so can I have a tattoo?" " No." " Dad?" " Only if it says "Daddy's little sunbeam"." "(Crowd cheering on TV)" " Ben, this is too awful." " There's nothing else on." " He called me a control freak." " Hey!" "You don't think I'm a control freak, do you?" "No." "You're more of a control enthusiast." "At least I'm enthusiastic about something." "How could you lie there and watch the forces of darkness close in?" "Susan, this is a snotty-nosed school kid, not Jabba the Hut." " You don't care." " Don't make me feel guilty." "If it bothers you, darling, sort it out." " But I'm not a control freak." " No." "That's good, isn't it?" "(Cheering on TV resumes)" "So..." "It really doesn't bother you?" "All right, Susan." "All right." "I know it looks like sometimes I don't care." "And sometimes I don't." "But it's a not-caring that comes from caring too much in a caring, sort of careless way." "With parenting, I put it down to the bird-watching theory - you've got to keep your distance, keep very still and try not to scare them." "I'm asking you to talk to him, not put a ring round his leg and track his migratory habits." "I just think there's a higher law at work." " What law?" " Ben Harper's law." "There's nothing so bad that a little effort can't make worse." "Ah." "I think you're forgetting Susan Harper's corollary." "If you don't make an effort, I'm going to make your life bloody hell." "I'll go and talk to him, OK?" "Come on, just teach me." "I'll give you one per cent of the company." "I want 15% of adjusted gross and 2% of international sales in perpetuity." "OK." " What do you wanna know?" " Where's the dot button?" "Cool." "Where's the com button?" " Oh, hi, Michael." " Hey, Dad." " You busy?" " He's in a meeting." "Why can't you be normal?" "Just lucky." "So, Mikey..." "If it's about Jason, you're wasting your time." "Yeah, but for your mother, let's go through the motions." "Yeah." "Michael, deep down, all bullies are cowards." "Jason's really scary." "Yeah." "He made the gym teacher wet his pants." " OK, so he may be scary." " And fat." "All right, thank you." " But there's things you can do." " Like what?" "Well, you know, you be Jason Hodder." "You be Jason Hodder and I'm you." " This is stupid." " No, it's not." "Try and scare me and I'll show you how to react." "Come on." "Try and scare me." "Your tax return has to be in by Wednesday." "Oh, my God, I'd forgotten." "You haven't even begun to do your books." "If you're late, there'll be a whopping fine." "Get out, you pillock." " Sticks and stones..." " Don't give me any ideas, OK?" "Oh, shoot!" " I've, erm..." " Forget it." "Michael, if people try and put you down you can't let them see you're scared." "If they use names, you've got to fight fire with fire." " There's no point." " Let's switch roles." "You be you, I'm Jason Hodder." "Look at me." "I'm big, I'm tough and I'm after your lunch money." "Hey, Harper." "Hey, you little four-eyed squirt." " Please." " Oh, come on, Mike!" "Come on!" "Scare me." "Try and put me down." "You're losing your hair and the only reason you're a dentist is you failed to get into medical school!" "(Groans) What are you doing?" "I'm looking for my tax receipts." "It's two in the morning." "Do it later." "I have been looking since eleven o'clock." "You've been looking for three hours?" "If you're so good at arithmetic, you can do my tax for me." "What are you so worked up about?" "Michael." "Mmm-ichael." "He called me a failed doctor." "That's nothing." "He called me a control freak." "That's different." "You are a control freak." "I am not!" "You stopped me going to medical school because becoming a dentist was quicker and I'd get more money." "Yes." "Oh, yes." "Where's the receipt for the new X-ray machine?" "In the file marked Receipts, under the letter X." "You've been tidying up again." ""Thank you, Susan, for saving me so much time and trouble."" "When I put things under the tortoise," "I expect to find it under the tortoise." "Tidying up is just a way of controlling things, isn't it?" "If you were organised, maybe you could have been a doctor." "If you were five inches taller, blonde, with long legs, you could have been a doctor's wife by now." " No." " Please, Mum." "They cost a fortune, hurt, and once you've got one, you're stuck with it for life." " It's only a tattoo." " I was talking about daughters." "Subject closed, OK?" " Are you ready, dear?" " Couldn't I just be ill today?" "No, that would be admitting defeat." " Couldn't I just admit defeat?" " No, that would be... wrong." " Were you born in a pigsty?" " I dunno." "You were there." "23 hours of blissful labour." "Even then you were slow." "If Jason gives you any trouble, go to the head teacher." " I'll handle this myself." " Good." "Remember, a sense of humour will help you through difficult times." "Next time Jason puts your head down the toilet, think of it as a comedy opportunity." "Nick, do you have any useful words of advice?" "Think positive." "Only the pathetic let life get them down." "Oh, God, the crap starts here." "Another glorious day up the bumhole of dentistry." "Your father's tired." "Tell him there's coffee in the pot." "Mum says there's coffee in the pot." "He's been up all night fannying around with his income tax." "Tell your mother I was not fannying around," "I was looking for the receipts she's hidden." "Dad says he apologises for whatever he did and it was entirely his fault." "If that's the case, tell your father I forgive him." "Mum says she wants a divorce." " Shut up." " Dad says shut up." "Well, I agree with your father." " Please." " I'd rather go to school." "Scaler." "All right, I'm sorry I said" "Celine Dion sounded like a cat trapped in a dog's home." " Thank you." " (Phone)" "She does, though, doesn't she?" "Hello, surgery." "He's with a patient at the moment." "I could take a message but he'll only ignore it, Mrs Harper, and pretend I didn't pass it on." " Hello, darling." " It's Michael." " What is it now?" " It's difficult to describe." "Well, how serious is it on a scale of one to ten?" "14.7." "I think we have to report this to the school." "I've tried but it was closed." "I'll have to go on Monday." "And this was what was stuck to his back?" "What's happening to schools?" "Not only is it obscene, the spelling's atrocious." "Why can't they teach our kids instead of arming them with weapons of mass destruction?" "Dad, it's only custard." "Today, custard - tomorrow, Poland." "Jason must be stopped." "Makes you wonder what his parents are like." "Janey, parents?" " I think his dad's a builder." " Well, that says it all." "A builder's answer to everything is a slap in the gob." "Only when you call them names." "That was a plumber and it wasn't a name, it was a suggestion." "I can't accept that we have to wait till Monday." "Oh, come on, it's just a weekend." "But it's two days of hell." "I'll be tense and on edge." "Just a normal weekend, then." "I will forgive but not forget that." " Here's a mad idea." " So many!" "Let's invite Jason's parents over to sort this out." " Oh, yes!" "Let's... not." " Why?" "Has 22 years of marriage taught you nothing?" "When have we intervened and made it better?" " Lots of times." " When?" "You weren't there." "I'm not having Mr and Mrs Godzilla trampling over my furniture with their filthy tattoos, shouting builders' obscenities honed over years of on-site training." "I'm sure they'll be civilised." " Everyone starts civilised." " (Susan) You didn't." "When the fur starts to fly, the dog always sides with his whelp." " How do you know?" " Discovery Channel." "Ben, if you could have seen Michael when he came home, his little eyes blinking through a layer of dried custard, as much as to say, "Why me, Mummy?"" "He was the saddest school dinner that you ever did see." "When do you want them round?" "(Doorbell)" " I told them about now." " Susan!" "Susan!" "Susan, I..." "Oh, God." "Shouldn't you go and read that in your room?" "No." "I'd rather stay here." "This is going to be very, very unpleasant." "I know." "She said she'd do it but I never dreamed she would!" "Dad's the one that says things and doesn't do them," "Mum does whatever pops into her head." "Goodbye, room." "Goodbye, Pokemon cards." "And I only had 212 to go." "Goodbye, Crick." "Goodbye, Watson." "Cheer up, bro." "It could be worse." " How?" " Well..." "You could get kidnapped by a covert government agency who inject you with a newly developed super-virus which mimics the symptoms of gangrene." "Thanks, Nick." "Somehow you put all my problems in perspective." "What am I here for?" "(Susan) Ben, this is Louise and Graham Hodder." " Hello." " Everything all right?" "Everything's fine." "It's, er..." "I was expecting someone a bit, erm, else." "Do please sit down." " Ben." " Oh, sorry." "Hi." " So..." " So..." " So..." " So..." "Oh, is it my turn?" "So..." "This is our daughter, Janey, who's about to go to her room." "She mustn't leave on our account." "Oh, thanks." " So..." " So..." "Would you like a drink?" "Wine, beer?" " Ooh, white wine, please." " I'll have an orange squash." "Orange squash?" "!" "(Laughs)" "Are you sure you're a builder?" "Good Lord, no." "I'm a doctor." "Er..." " A doctor." " What made you think builder?" "Erm, Hodder... hod." " Janey." " Mm?" "I don't know - builder, doctor..." "All right, Dad, I just wanted to spare your feelings." " Dad's a dentist." " Oh, I see." "Glad to see you're all getting on so well." "Well, let's get to the bloody point." "Your son has been bullying our son so, erm..." "What are you gonna do about it?" " Well, we don't know, really." " You don't know?" "We don't believe in discipline." "We see Jason's actions as an expression of exuberance." "That's funny, we see it as an expression of total yobbery." "We know Jason can be seen as a difficult child, so we've decided not to let it bother us." "Decided not to let it bother them." "But what about our son?" "That's an interesting point." "However, after much discussion we've realised it's wrong to push the river." "Yes." "Graham feels it goes against nature, which is a mistake." "Excuse me, backtracking a moment..." " Twiglet?" " Thank you." "Erm, are you saying you do nothing?" "No." "As parents, we are the bows." " Our children are the arrows." " We let them fly." "He's flying all right - he's flying over my son and crapping custard!" "I know." "It's all a bit embarrassing." " Janey?" " I think it's embarrassing too." " Janey, go to your room." " We were just..." "Now." " Did you see that?" " The man's a complete fascist." "Yes, but it worked." "How do you do that?" "Oh, it's quite simple." "We've put 20 years of hard bloody work into this family." "20 years of tantrums, sulks, answering back, tears, recriminations..." "and not just from Susan." "We have our up days as well." "I know you think you're good parents..." "No, we don't think we're good parents." "We're not good parents." "We're just... ordinary parents." "My husband is speaking for himself but I back him up." "No, it's true." "As parents, we're just above indifferent." "You, as parents, are scraping the barrel of downright abysmal." "We wanted a rational conversation." "Maybe I don't like your idea of rational." "Maybe it's your rational free-range parenting that's made a bully of your son, who's bullying my son and stealing his lunch money, which, incidentally, is my lunch money." "See?" "With dentists, it's always about money." "No, it's about my son." "Didn't like that, did you?" " Not nice is it, being bullied?" " I think we'd better leave." "Oh, I'm so sorry!" "I'm so sorry." "Being pushed around by someone twice your size, how do you like it?" "When you see your darling little son, give him that from me!" "And that!" " Don't forget your coats!" " Good night, Doctor!" "Unbelievable." "Yeah, anyone else but Dad, it would have been cool." "Oh, hello, children." "Now, what you saw your father doing was quite, quite wrong." "Ye-es." "There are many reasons why violence isn't the answer." "Number one - it's illegal." "Two - he could have been bigger than me?" "Three - he could have had a heart condition." "Four - his brother could have been bigger than me." " Five..." " Five..." "Five - when they get home, they're going to tell Jason." "Goodbye, stairs." "Goodbye, house." "Goodbye, life." "(Door opening)" "Still no sign of Michael." "Really?" "Maybe he's over at Stinky Cheeseboy's again." "No, I tried there, and it's glandular." "Perhaps Jason got him." "We should have got him a mobile." " That's buying him off." " Not Jason, Michael." "I was having a joke to lighten up things." " Oh, poor Michael." "Where is he?" " Obviously, it's worked." "He could be lying in a ditch, his clothes all torn, covered in some sort of lukewarm dessert topping." " I don't think so." " How can you be so blase?" " Hey, Mum." " Michael, you're all right!" " Of course." " But Jason..." "There'll be no more problems from him." " What did you do?" " Bullies are cowards." "Stand up to them and they back down." "You stood up to Jason Hodder?" "Well, sort of." "I stood up... and Janey let him have it." " You used violence?" " No, the language of flowers." " What do you think?" " My daughter's a thug!" "That's no way to behave." "Did anyone see you?" " No." " Good girl." "Why am I the only one in this room to see the downside?" "Because you're Dad, Dad." "What's gonna happen to Mikey when Xena, Warrior Princess isn't around any more?" "Jason knows the whole school will find out he was beaten up by a girl." "That's good." "So what's the catch?" "No catch." "I was just helping out my little brother." "Plus I was so grateful when you let me get a tattoo." " We didn't let you." " Yes, you did." "Oh!" "It's... it's lovely." "Is it a caterpillar?" "Mum!" "It's a scorpion!" "It's a sweet little scorpion." "Look, it's smiling!" "Mum, I can't believe you!" "(Hisses) Game, set and match!" " You're good." " Thank you, dear." "And, oh, so scary." "I've really got a feel for this e-commerce." "That's because you're an eejit." "I tried to think of something that people really need." "And I thought, nobody ever knows what the time is." "So they visit my website, and I tell 'em." "It's called OnTheDot. com" "Why don't they look on their computer screen?" "Eh?" "There's a clock in the corner of the screen." "Oh, yeah." "(Laughs)" "Cool." "So, son, do you think you've learnt anything from all this?" "Michael, there is something you can take away with you that'll help you throughout your life." " Wanna hear it?" " Not really." "OK, it's this." "None of it gets any better, but the more it happens, the less it hurts." "Thanks, Dad." "That's all right, son." "That's all right." "What?"