"Natasha Nikolaevna." "Natasha Nikolaevna." "I'm going." "Call the priest." "Get my son-in-law." "Hurry!" "I must talk to him." "There's something I must tell him before I die." "There, there, Claudia Ivanovna." "You will be all right." "Just" "Kolya!" "Kolya, quick." "Run to the town hall." "Tell Vorobyaninov his mother-in-law is dying." "Tell him to hurry." "I'm going to get the priest." "Bozhe moi." "That poor woman." "That poor woman." "Who is going to take care of me?" "It's in the hands of God now." "All we can do is pray." "Thank you for coming, Father." "It was my pleasure." "Go to her." "Go to her, my child." "Comfort her." "She needs you." "Courage." "Courage." "Father Fyo" "Dor." "She's inside." "Not to worry." "I, uh— Courage." "Oh, my dear neighbor." "I'm so glad you're here." "She has been calling for you." "I just saw the priest." "He seemed in a great hurry." "He was very peculiar." "Very peculiar." "She just confessed." "How is she?" "She is doing splendidly." "The doctor says she'll be on her feet in a week." "She'll be dead before morning." "She looks terrible." "I'd better go in." "Ippolit, it's you." "You've come." "Yes." "I'm here." "It's me." "Oh, thank God." "Ippolit, do you remember our dining room suite?" "Dining room suite?" "In the big house in Stargorod." "Before the revolution." "Ah, yes." "Beautiful furniture." "Made by Hambs of London." "Ippolit, my jewels." "My diamonds." "I sewed them into one of the chairs." "What?" "My diamonds." "My jewels." "I sewed them into one of the chairs." "My gorgeous diamond tiara." "I wore it when I was presented at court." "My beautiful pearl earrings." "Pearl." "My emerald brooch." "Emerald." "My diamond necklace." "Diamond." "The little gold cat with the ruby eyes." "Stuffed in a ch—" "How could you do such a thing?" "Why didn't you give them to me?" "Why should I have given them to you... when you had already squandered away half my daughter's estate... with your parties and your horses?" "Why didn't you take them out?" "Why did you leave them there?" "I didn't have time!" "You remember how quickly we had to flee?" "They were left in the chair." "Bozhe moi." "Bozhe moi!" "50,000 rubles' worth of jewelry... stuffed in a chair!" "Heaven knows who may sit on that chair!" "If it's still a chair!" "It may be firewood by now." "How could you do such a thing?" "How could you do such a thing?" "Please, Ippolit." "I know I did wrong, but... please forgive me." "Of course." "Of course, maman." "Of course I forgive you." "Thank you." "Now I can die in peace." "Hope for the best" "Expect the worst" "Some drink champagne some die of thirst" "No way of knowing" "Which way it's going" "Hope for the best expect the worst" "Hope for the best" "Expect the worst" "The world's a stage" "We're unrehearsed" "Some reach the top, friends while others flop, friends" "Hope for the best expect the worst" "I knew a man who saved a fortune that was splendid" "Then he died the day he planned to go and spend it" "Shouting Live while you're alive" "No one will survive" "Life is sorrow" "Here today and gone tomorrow Live while you're alive" "No one will survive" "There's no guarantee" "Hope for the best" "Expect the worst" "You could be Tolstoy or Fannie Hurst" "So take your chances" "There are no answers" "Hope for the best expect the worst" "I knew a man who saved a fortune that was splendid" "Then he died the day he planned to go and spend it" "Shouting Live while you're alive" "No one will survive" "Life is funny Spend your money" "Live while you're alive" "No one will survive" "There's no guarantee" "Hope for the best" "Expect the worst" "The rich are blessed" "The poor are cursed" "That is a fact, friends" "The deck is stacked, friend" "Hope for the best expect the" "Even with a good beginning it's not certain that you're winning" "Even with the best of chances they can kick you in the "pantses"" "Look out for the Watch out for the" "Worst" "Hey" "Give!" "Open your heart!" "Thank you, sir." "Thank you." "Very generous of you." "Now there's a healthy girl." "What can I say, little father?" "It's a miracle." "I can see." "I can walk." "Rejoice!" "Do you love me?" "Well, let's just say that I am very much in lust with you." "Oh, my God." "My husband!" "Your husband?" "Out goes the bad air, in goes the good air." "Out goes the bad air— What's going on?" " Who are you?" " This woman is my wife." "I'm her husband." "She fainted just outside the door." "I'm giving her artificial respiration." "How dare you allow a frail creature like this to carry heavy bundles." " Has she ever fainted before?" " Never." "Maybe once." "I don't know." "All right." "Come on." "Take over." "Now remember, out goes the bad air, in goes the good air." "Out goes the bad air, in goes the good air." "I should report you for this, but we'll let it go." "Thank you." "Thank you." "You are very kind." "It will never happen again." "I promise." "Never." "See that it doesn't!" "Out goes the bad air, in goes the good air." "Out goes the good air, in goes the bad air." "There, there." "Oh, boy." "You must have fallen." "Thank you." "Who are you?" "Ostap Bender at your service." "Cigarette?" "Thank you." "Tell me, uh, comrade" ""Comrade. " "Comrade. "" "Everybody calls me comrade." "Everybody in the new Soviet Union is a comrade." "People you don't know, strangers." "Everybody says "comrade. "" "Oh, I miss Russia." "Hmm, yes." "Tell me, uh, what goes on in this great house?" "Mostly dying." "Dying." "It's an old-age home for weary, old ladies." "They tippy-toe in, they have a little bowl of porridge... and— That's it." "Oh, what a pity." "What a pity." "See, I thought it was a hotel." "You, uh— You don't happen to know of any nearby, do you?" "You see, I've come a long way, and I'm seeking suitable lodgings for the night." "Oh, uh, by the by, do you happen to have a spare bed down there?" "No, I don't, Mr. By the By." "I don't happen to have a spare bed." "There isn't a spare bed in all of Russia!" "People are sleeping between each other... and you're talking spare bed." "You make me laugh." "Ho, wah, wah, wah, wah." ""Spare bed. " You must be nuts." "Listen." "I'll tell you what." "If you'll buy me a drink, you can sleep on the floor." "Done." "Good." "Come on." "What are you doing in Stargorod?" "You look to me like a Muscovite." "Listen, tell me." "Tell me." "Who lived here in the old days?" "Oh, in the old days was my master," "Ippolit Matveyevich Vorobyaninov." "He was a marshal of the nobility." "I loved him." "He hardly ever beat us." "Ah." "And whatever became of your lovable master?" "One night, about 10 years ago, was a fearful noise." "It was bombs and cannons and soldiers shooting." "It was terrible, terrible." "Oh, yes." "I think it was called the revolution." "That was it." "The revolution." "You're smart." "You're smart and you're gorgeous." "You're okay." "Anyways, they all run away." "Well, come on, old boy." "Let us see how drunk... two Russians can get on one ruble." "I like that." "Two Russians, one ruble." "Ah." "Ivan, fetch the marshal's horse." "He's coming." "He's coming." "Master." "I love him." "I love him." "Please, dear, hurry home." "But don't gallop." ""Don't gallop. " Do you hear that, Petya?" ""Don't gallop," but "Hurry home. "" "That's your job." "You'll have to puzzle it out." "It's too much for me." "Ippolit, take care." "Don't drink too much, and don't gamble." "And stay away from the gypsies." " Ils sont voleurs." " Chere maman, restez calme." "Tout va bien." "Tikon, you idiot, my gloves." "There, master." "I love him." "I love him." "Here's your castle." "Drink vodka, we talk." "We have some fun." "You know what we can... do." "Master?" "Tikon." "Master?" "Is it really him?" "It's impossible!" "It can't be!" "It can't be!" "It can't be!" "It can't be!" "Oh, ma—" "Oh, that's him." "That's him." "That's my master." "Oh, master, master." "Here, Tikon." "Oh, so good to see you." "Here is a ruble." "You go have some vodka, and you don't come back for a bit." "Vodka." "Your master and I have business to discuss." "Come on." "Business." "Business." "Come on." "Tikon." "You're not to say a word to anyone about my being here." "It is secret." "I'm not to tell anyone my master is in Stargorod." "It's a secret." "My master told me a secret." "So, you'd prefer to keep your whereabouts a secret." "Very interesting." "Who are you?" "What is this business you have to discuss with me?" "I have no business with you." "What do you want?" "Oh, I don't know." "I guess maybe it depends upon what you're hiding." "Maybe this will shed a little light on the matter." "Give me that." "That's mine!" "Oh, how very impressive." "This ought to fetch quite a lot." "Please give me that paper." "It's personal property." "Oh, haven't you heard?" "There is no personal property in the Soviet Union." "Everything belongs to the people." "Will you please give me that paper?" "It is a private matter, and I am not at liberty to discuss it." "Yes, of course." "Of course." "One shouldn't interfere in private matters." "It's considered gauche." "There you are." "Now, I must be off." " Where are you going?" " Ah, the eternal question." "Quo vadis?" "Well, if you must know, I am "vadising" off to gossip with the secret police." " "Secret police"?" " Well, what can I do, old cock?" "After all, I am a patriotic citizen of the Soviet Union." "It is my sacred duty to turn you in." "Now, maybe if you weren't such a selfish pig, we could do business." "I can't." "I'm going." "Wait." "Why?" "Let's talk." "About what?" "Things." "What things?" "I don't know." "Situation— I'm going." "Wait." "Why?" "Let's talk." "About what?" "It." "What's "it"?" "You know." "I know what?" "What we're talking about." "We're talking about nothing." "I'm going." "You mustn't." "I must." "Why?" "The reward." "What reward?" "For turning you in." "Wait." "Why?" "We'll talk." "About what?" "About the diamonds, the diamonds, the diamonds!" "The diamonds." "And most of this stuff was purchased... 20 or 30 years ago for about 50,000 rubles, hmm?" "Yes." "That means that today... they'd probably be worth between 150,000 and 200,000." "As much as that?" "Not a kopeck less." "And maybe more." "I've got to find those chairs." "Tikon is back." " Tikon, come here." " Coming, master." " Tikon—" " Coming." "I'm coming." "Coming, master." "I'm coming." "Coming." "Coming." "Coming." "Coming." "Coming." "Coming." "Coming." "I'm coming, master." "I'm coming." "I'm coming." "I'm coming, master." "Tikon." "You see?" "I'm here." "Tikon, the furniture." "What happened to the furniture?" "The furniture." "Yes, the furniture." "What happened to the furniture?" "The furniture?" "What happened to the furniture?" "Tikon." "Tikon." "Well, cross-examination of the witness... will have to be adjourned until tomorrow morning." "Let's go to bed." "Oh, thou who knowest all—" "You know." "Tikon." "Master." "Oh, master, you're still—" "Where is the furniture?" "The furniture?" "Yes, Tikon." "Where is the furniture?" "You mean upstairs in the house?" "Yes" "Some of it is still there." "The velvet sofa is there." "It's a mess now." "And the andirons." "They kept the andirons." "Did they keep the chairs?" "There was a dining room suite with 12 chairs, made by Hambs of London." "They were upholstered in gold brocade." "Do you remember?" "Twelve chairs." "Walnut." "Covered in gold brocade." "Yes!" "Yes!" "That's them!" "That's them!" "They're gone." " All but one." " Where is it?" "The pantry, outside the kitchen." "Sits there." "A major." "A beauty." "Good." "Now what happened to the other 11 chairs?" "One morning, a big van came... from the Bureau of Housing, took everything." "The Bureau of Housing?" "Now, think, Tikon." "What street is the Bureau of Housing on?" "Headache!" "Headache!" "I have such a headache!" "What I did last night." "All right." "Never mind." "I'll find it." "What do you mean you'll find it?" "Look, I don't give a damn who finds it." "All right." "It's time for action." "You will go upstairs and occupy chair number one, and I will lead the attack at the Bureau of Housing." "I'm off." "Uh, wait." "What shall I tell them?" "You will tell them that you are Cousin Michael from Kiev, and you will say that all the Vorobyaninovs are dead... and that you are willing to pay hard rubles for something... to remember them by." "Cousin Michael from Kiev." "All the Vorobyaninovs are dead." "I am Cousin Michael from Kiev." "All the Vorobyaninovs are dead." "Yes?" "I am Cousin Kiev from Vorobyaninov." "All the Michaels are dead." "What?" "What can I do for you?" "I am Cousin— Chair!" "Aaah!" "Give me that— I want that chair!" "Stop or I'll call the police!" "Police?" "Give it to me!" "Give it to me!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Father Fyodor." "How are ya?" "Well, this is disgusting." "This is truly disgusting." "Not so fast!" "Not so fast!" "That's my chair." "It's the Holy Father." "Taking up a collection, are you?" "Here's a donation." "Thank you." "Why are you after my chair?" "It's not yours." "Then whose is it?" "It's nationalized property." "It belongs to the workers." "Did you say the workers?" " Yes." "The workers." " Maybe the Holy Father... is a member of the Communist Party." "Maybe." "But the party is for atheists." "How can a priest join the party?" "The church must keep up with the times." "How did you find out about the jewels?" "People talk." "Why, you disgusting creature." "You used the sacred sacrament of confession... to further your own ends!" "Not really." "Well, you are just about... the most contemptible creature... it has ever been my misfortune to meet." "You're not worth spitting on!" "Well, you are!" "Come back, you coward!" "You'd better keep away from my chairs!" "Finders, keepers!" "Hmm." "It's just like a detective story." "We have a mysterious rival." "Hey, uh, you'd better get out of here." "You look rather conspicuous." "You're right." "You're right." "Oh, how I hate him." "Oh, God, how I hate him." "Go." ""Hambs. "" ""Drapes. "" "Here we are." "Hello." "That's it." "Can I help you?" "Well?" "I didn't know anybody was... here." "I came in and—" "I—" "Persons seeking information are to wait in the waiting area prescribed for them." "It is a criminal offense for unauthorized citizens... to tamper with official files." "Oh, yes." "Yes, to be sure." "To be sure." "Remove your hat." "All right." "Now that you are in the proper area, would you please state your business?" "Chairs." "Dining room, walnut, made by Hambs, belonging to a certain Ippolit Matveyevich Vorobyaninov." "Tell me, comrade." "Yes." "Why exactly are you seeking this particular set of chairs?" "It's, uh— it's personal." "I'm sorry." "No information, no information." "All right." "All right." "I'll tell you everything." "I am Vorobyaninov's son." "His firstborn." "He was like a father to me." "So, you are Vorobyaninov's son." "Yes, I am." "How old are you?" "Forty-six." "Forty-four." "Which is it?" "Forty-two." "I'm 42." "According to our records, Vorobyaninov is 53." "That means that when you were born, your father was... 11." "Ticktock." " Are you trying to bribe a Soviet official?" " Oh, no, no, no." "No, no, no." "I was hoping for the best." "Well, since you are Vorobyaninov's only son," "I'll see what I can do." "Thank you." "Bless you." "Now, if you will just excuse me," "I will be back in one moment." "Oh, thank you." "Bless you." "Ah." "Perfect." "One dozen Hambs chairs, property of General Polyakov." "Better make that 11." "Sent to a certain engineer Bruns, irkutsk" "Siberia." "Here we are." "Here's your shipping order." "One moment, please." "Excuse me." "Procedure." "I hope you find your chairs." "Eleven chairs." "That's it." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Bless you." "Bless you." "Bless you." "Bless you!" "Bless you!" "Moscow." "The chairs are in Moscow." "I can hardly believe it." "I mean, we're actually going to see them." "My chairs are in a museum." "I never realized they were so valuable." "If they only knew." "Moscow!" "They're not here." "The chairs are not here." "Look." "See that cabinet?" "Empire." "And those writing tables." "Louis Quinze." "We're on the wrong floor." "I know we're on the wrong floor." "Take it easy." "Take it easy." "And what if they're not here at all?" "How would we ever find them, hmm?" "Where would we look?" "Who would we ask?" "They're lost, I tell you." "Lost." "I never should have—" "My chairs." "My chairs!" "That's my furniture!" "I wonder which one it is." "Don't you worry about it." "We will know soon enough." "We will get the chairs at closing time." "Closing time." "Closing time." "Closing time." "Closing time." "Closing time." "Closing time." "What shall we do?" "Wait until these people go by, and then you follow me." "Here we are." "Get those Hambs dining room chairs... and put them on the cart." "Don't make a sound." "Calm." "Calm." "At all costs." "No." "No, no, no, no, no." "Don't take them all." "Leave four." "Four." "We are only taking seven." "Why are they only taking seven?" "We are only taking seven... because four is enough... to represent the period." "That's why." "Good." "Good." "Now, take the chairs to the freight entrance." "They will be collected at 8:00 a. m." "Tomorrow morning." "Good." "They're getting away." "They're getting away." "They're not getting away." "We know exactly where they're going." "And if luck is with us, we will never have to see those other chairs again." "What do you mean?" "I mean, thickhead, the jewels might very well be hidden... in one of these four beauties." " What are you doing?" " Maybe we missed something." "Does this look like we missed anything?" "The chairs!" "The chairs!" "I know, I know." "Shut up." ""Columbus Repertory Theatre. "" "Two, four, six." "Six." "Seven." "Where's seven?" "They're leaving!" "It's all right." "We know where they're going." "Our problem is number seven." "Where is number seven?" "Well, I must find out." "Yes, we must find out." "Not "we. " /." "You sit here and wait for me." "Sit." "Stay." "Irkutsk!" "Irkutsk!" "Siberia!" "Whoo!" "Yes?" "I am looking for Engineer Bruns." "I am Engineer Bruns." "What do you want?" "What is it?" "What are you doing?" "Olga!" "What's going on?" "What's going on?" "Andrei, why is that man kissing your knee?" "I don't know." "Dear lady" "Oh!" "Oh!" "On you I rest all my hopes." "On the chair." "No, no, no." "Don't— I must grovel at your feet." "Put him up on the chair." "No, no, no, no." "Now, once and for all, who are you and what do you want?" "I want to grovel at your feet." "I must grovel at your feet." "No groveling." "There will be no groveling in this house." "This is a Soviet household." "We don't allow groveling." "What do you want?" "I—" "These chairs." "I must have these chairs." "He wants our chairs." "Maybe he's a furniture dealer." "Are you a furniture dealer?" "Is that it?" "Not for personal gain." "I assure you, not for personal gain." "My motives are pure." "Ohh." "They're the very best motives." "I— I— I think... you're going to be very impressed with my motives." "Yes." " Well?" " Well what?" "Your motives." "You didn't tell us your motives." "Oh, yes." "My motives." "My motives." "Come on, brain." "Got it!" "The chairs belonged to my wife and her mother before her, and now my wife is ill." "She's very ill." "She's dying, dying." "Dead." "Dying." "Uh, she keeps calling for her chairs." "Oh, please." "You cannot deny me." "It's a dying woman's wish." "Olga, what shall we do?" "Shall we give him the chairs?" "Don't be ridiculous." "Nobody's taking my chairs." "You dirty" "I'm sorry." "I cannot let you have the chairs." "I didn't hear that." "I didn't hear that." "I didn't hear that." "I don't want to hear that." "Don't you understand?" "I don't want to hear that." "Ooh!" "That's a hot—" "That's a hot—" "My dear lady, don't you understand?" "I need those chairs!" " Andrei!" " Oh, please." " Oh, please." " Stop that!" "Andrei!" "Out!" "I want him out of this house immediately!" "Well, that's done it." "Wait." "Wait." "Let's discuss this like adults!" "Don't judge a book by its cover." "A memento." "A memento of my visit to your lovely home." "Wait!" "Wait!" "I'll pay!" "100 rubles!" "102?" "You down there." "If we don't sail in 10 minutes, I'll miss the tide." "Wait, please." "A few more minutes." "One of my actors is missing." "Wait." "Gronsky." "Where is Gronsky?" "How the hell can I do the play without Gronsky?" "Sevitsky, how could you let this happen?" "It's your job to make sure that the actors... are supposed to be where they're supposed to be... and not wandering around drunk somewhere." "Well— Shut up." "Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk." "That's all I hear from you." "Oh, my goodness." "I look dreadful." "Why didn't you say something?" "Time and tide wait for no man." "I like that reading." "Maybe he could play the count." "Sevitsky, that vulgar man in the wheelhouse, it's only good for one thing— running ships... and trying to browbeat his superiors." "Well, if worse comes to worse," "I shall play the count." "Worse shall never come to that worse." "Excuse me." "I'm looking for the commissar producer of the Columbus Theatre." "That's me." "Good, good." "I'm in time." "And what do you want?" "I've just come from Gronsky." "He told me to find you." " Where is he?" " Moscow General Hospital." " Yes, he was a little in his cups, you might say." "He tried to stop a streetcar." "He suffered two broken legs and minor contusions." "And, uh, who are you?" "Well, I am from the Artists' Union, theater division." "I'm to accompany you." "I took the liberty of getting an immediate replacement for Gronsky." "Fine actor." "Made for the part." "With your permission, I will just bring him right on board." "One moment." "I—" "Guess what." "From now on, you are an actor." "Sevitsky." "Where are you going with that samovar?" "What samovar?" "That samovar." "Oh, this samovar." "Yes." "Well, I was going to have it polished up... for the show tonight." "Sevitsky, if I catch you trying to sell another piece of company property," "Siberia!" "I was going to have it polished." "I swear!" "I swear!" "I hate people I don't like." "I feel something." "I knew it." "I felt it." "I felt it in my bones." "Lucky seven." "Little lucky seven." "That is seven." "This is eight." "Lucky eight." "Lucky eight." "Well, seems much too small for all that loot." "Open it, open it." "Empty." "Empty." "Somebody must have got to the jewels before us." "Oh, there were never any jewels in this box." "It was put in by the furniture maker." ""One set of 12 chairs..." ""crafted for I.M. Vorobyaninov... by Christopher Hambs of London. "" "I really thought we had them." "Next." "What's going on here?" "We are actors." "We are members of the Columbus Repertory Theatre." "As you can see, my dear sir, some of our chairs were broken in transit." "We are repairing them." "Misha, hand me the leg." "Misha." "If you're actors, you'd better get up to the ship's theater." "The show's starting." "Oh, yes, of course." "Of course." "Come along, Misha." "Come along." "Come along." ""The workers are dissatisfied." "They intend to make a revolution." "Is there any truth to this rumor?"" ""An uprising of peasants and workers." "I have never heard anything so absurd. "" "Good." "Bender, the other three chairs in the hold." "The other three chairs in the hold depend upon you, my friend." "Hmm?" "If you go out on that stage and make a fool of yourself, you will get us thrown off this ship before you can say Nicholas and Alexandra." "It's only a play." "I have attended a theater before, you know." "Ah, Krakov." "It will be so marvelous to see that stimulating Count Krakov again." "Oh, yes." "I too have missed him." " Where's Krakov?" " That must be Count Krakov now." "You're on." "Ah, Count Krakov." "Ostap." "Take me with you!" "Not a chance." "Ostap" "You'll never catch up with that boat." "I don't intend to." "I'm going to take the train and meet the boat at Yalta." "Ostap!" "Ostap!" "I'm not a strong swimmer!" "I'm not a swimmer." "Help!" "Vorobyaninov." "Help." "Help." "Help." "Thank you." "Thank you." "I—" "Cold." "It's cold." "Here." "Thank you." "You're a good soul, Bender." "A good soul." "Mmm!" "This borscht is delicious, Olga." "I love it cold!" "Why didn't you ever make it cold?" "How could I make it cold in Irkutsk?" "If we didn't eat hot things, we'd have died there." "Smell that air." "Smell that air!" "Like wine." "I know." "I know." "Every night I thank God for your transfer to Yalta." "I don't think I could have survived another winter there." "My dear." "My dearest dear." "103." "What?" "I didn't say anything." "104." "Olga?" "105." "Good." "Oh, good." "Good." "Good." "Oh, thank you." "Thank you." "How very generous of you." "You really shouldn't have done it." "Please, go now." "I never want to see you again." "Oh, I must say good-bye to Madame Bruns." "How can I leave without saying good-bye to Madame Bruns?" "No!" "The chairs." "I don't see the chairs." "Yes?" "Uh, we're still thinking." "Sevitsky." "He looks pregnant." "Come on." "Let's not lose him." "We must see where he delivers his child." "Ah, it's a boy." "Comrade Sevitsky!" "You are under arrest for selling property belonging to the state." "Polished." "I'm having it polished." "Oh, it's you," "Count Krakov." "Well, you've had your little joke." "Now, if you don't mind, I'll be on my way." "Wait a minute." "I would like to talk a little business." "Business?" "Yes." "I'm interested in some chairs." "Three of them, to be exact." "They're in your present production at the Columbus Theatre." "Oh, yes." "Walnut." "Gold covers." "I'm afraid they are already spoken for." "Listen, scum!" "I want those chairs." "Do you hear me?" "I want those chairs!" "You don't understand." "It's quite impossible." "I promised them to a certain individual." "He's giving me 10 rubles apiece." "Sell him something else." "I want those chairs." "Don't worry." "You won't be out a kopeck." "You will get your 30 rubles." "Oh, my throat!" "When can you deliver the chairs?" "Tonight." "After the performance." "You'll bring them here?" "Yes." "I'll bring them here." "All right." "Now, Sevitsky, please don't disappoint me." "Because if you do, I'm afraid I'll have to break your neck." "A threat to the wise, hmm?" "All right." "Midnight." "Here on this spot." "You bring the money, I'll bring the chairs." "Bender, Bender, 30 rubles?" "How do we raise 30 rubles?" "Thank you." "Fine day for a picnic." "The others should be along any minute." "Thank you." "Thank you and good-bye." "Good-bye." "Have a nice day." "Good-bye." "Get out of here!" "Ooh!" "Oh, what beautiful wood." "What fine detail." "Beautiful workmanship." "Beautiful workmanship!" "What a gorgeous chair!" "Oh, it can't be." "It can't be!" "It can't be!" "It couldn't be!" "It can't be!" "It can't— It can't be!" "I don't want to live." "I don't want to live!" "I don't want to live!" "I don't want to live!" "I don't want to live!" "Thirty rubles!" "Of course!" "Of course!" "Dostoievsky." "What?" "Never mind." "Can you roll your eyes?" "Roll my eyes?" "Yes, roll your eyes." "I don't know." "Try it." "Oh, that's wonderful." "Born to do it." "Now, at a given signal— Stop it." "At a given signal from me, you will fall from this bench onto the ground... and pretend to have an epileptic fit." "You will roll your eyes, you will move your arms and legs... in short, spastic jerks... and generally writhe around out of control." "I will call attention to your pitiful state, and the good-hearted citizens of Yalta will shower you with coins." "What a disgusting idea." "What filthy taste!" "There never was and there never will be... a Vorobyaninov who begs!" "Parasite!" "Parasite!" "Parasite!" "Disgusting, helpless, inept, bloodsucking parasite!" "Vorobyaninovs never beg!" "I begged all my life!" "Now listen, old man." "Pride is a luxury that neither you nor I can afford... at this time in our lives." "We need 30 rubles to make our dreams come true." "It's sink or swim." "I choose swim." "Now, to beg or not to beg?" "That is the question." "I will give you five... to decide yes or no." "On the count of five, it is farewell." "One— Yes." "Yes, yes, yes." "Good." "Now, do your stuff." "Attention!" "Ladies and gentlemen, attention!" "A comrade, a citizen, a fellow human being... cries out for our attention!" "Epilepsy, my friends!" "Epilepsy." "The same disease that struck down our own beloved Dostoievsky." "God knows what genius, what great works of art may be trapped... in the mind of this poor, wretched soul." "Ah, this poor man." "This poor man." "Roll your eyes!" "Yes, give!" "Give... so that this quivering, shivering, helpless victim... can receive desperately needed medical attention." "Give!" "Give, please!" "Open your hearts." "Give." "Give." "Give." "Thank you." "Please give." "Cigarette?" "No, thank you." "Hmm." "Still angry, huh?" "When this business is over," "I never want to see you again." "Oh, you're here." "Good." "Yes." "Won't you come in?" "Yes." "Sorry I'm late." "I had to wait till everybody left the theater." "It was opening night, and there was a party." "What can I tell you?" "You can tell me why you only brought two chairs." "We made a deal for three." "Well, yes, I tried, but— Where's the other chair?" "Where is the other chair?" "Do you know what I went through to raise money for those chairs?" "Shh." "Come on." "You're gonna ruin everything." "What's the matter with you people?" "Every time we meet, you go for my throat." "What happened to the other chair?" "There is a thief in our company." "It's terrible." "He sold the chair to a Finnish aerialist for 10 rubles." "A Finnish aerialist?" "Yes." "He works at the fair, just outside of town." "Can I have my 30 rubles now, please?" "Twenty!" "Y-Y-Yes." "Sorry." "Twenty." "Twenty." "Twenty." "Twenty." " Again the throat." " Here." "Here's your money." "Twenty." "Thank you." "Tell me, why are you so interested in these chairs?" " Shut up." " Oh." "That's the reason." "Bye." "Well, don't give up, old friend." "Remember the famous Russian proverb:" ""The hungrier you get, the tastier the meal. "" "On the other hand, the French have a proverb:" "Merde!" "Thy love will banish sorrow" "Thy love shall cleanse my grief" "The sun will shine tomorrow" "My a-a-a-a-anguish" "Will be brief" "Oh, foolish man." "Foolish, foolish man that I am." "I must not weep." "I must count my blessings." "My blessings." "I don't want to live!" "Thy love shall banish sorrow" "Thy love shall cleanse my grief" "The chair!" "Come down, you thief!" "Come down here this instant!" "That's my chair!" "Do you hear me?" "My chair!" "Listen, you!" "That's my chair!" "Get down, you fool!" "Get down!" "You'll kill us both!" "I want that chair." "Give me that chair!" "Oh, Lord." "Oh, Lord, your lamb is lost." "Please help me." "Oh, please help me, Lord." "Thank you." "It's mine!" "Do you hear?" "Mine!" "Mine!" "Mine!" "Mine!" "Mine!" "Very nice." "Very nice, indeed." "A partner in the firm... running off with the company's assets!" "So you wanna play horsey, huh?" "Mine!" "Mine!" "Mine!" "Father Fyodor!" " Need a hand, mon père?" " Oh, come on, God!" "The chairman of the board." "Where is he?" "Ah, hate!" "Hate!" "Hate!" "God sees." "God sees all." "Why do you think he gave me the strength... to climb straight up a mountain wall and deny the same to you?" "There must be some reason." "Oh, God, how I hate him!" "He mustn't get away!" "He mustn't get away!" "He mustn't get— Mustn't get away." "Mustn't get away." "Fear not, my dear marshal." "He will not get away." "As a matter of fact, he can't get away." "There's no way down." "Come on." "I'll show you." "Come on." "See?" "No way down." "There's no way down." "He can't get down." "He's trapped." "He's trapped." "You're trapped!" "You're tra-a-a-apped!" "Ah." "It stopped raining." "It's very quiet." "What do you suppose he's doing?" "Do you think he found the jewels?" "In a moment, the jury will bring in a verdict." "Oh, Lord, you're so strict!" "Oh!" "Well, the last chair is in Moscow." "Only 3,000 miles away." "Come, my friend." "Let us take a stroll." "Oh, Lord!" "Oh, Lord, if this is your pun ishment." "How did I get here?" "There's no way down." "There's absolutely no way down." "I'm gonna need a great deal of help to get down." "Boys!" "Oh, boys!" "Yoo-hoo!" "Vorobyaninov!" "I have always liked you." "You know that." "We come from the same village." "For 25 years, I have been your priest." "Oh, for Christ's sake, get me down!" "Get... me... down!" "I'm hungry." "Where did you lose the man with the chair?" "Look around." "Does anything look familiar?" "All right." "Come on." "I now officially open... the Moscow Railway Workers'..." "Communal House of Recreation." "May it serve to comfort... those brave heroes of Soviet transportation, the railway workers of the U.S.S.R.!" "A free buffet lunch will be served immediately." "Come on!" "Come on!" "There's other people waiting." "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "What are you doing?" "Go on!" "I didn't get a roll." "Come on." "I didn't get a roll!" "Here." "Would you mind very much if I took something from your plate?" "I didn't get a chance to get any food." "There was a greedy pig holding up the line." "Animal." "Thirsty." "Ostap." "Ostap!" "Yes, old man." "The last chair." "See!" "We are not the only smart ones." "Hello, comrades!" "Hello." "Hello, comrades." "Welcome." "Maman!" "Eat." "Take your eyes off that chair." "I'm gonna check the window." "I have unfastened the window latch, and we will return tonight after the club has closed." "One, two, three!" "Come on." "Come on!" "Chair." "Where is the chair?" "You're sitting on it." "Here." "Come on." "Let me do it." "Let me do it!" "Well?" "Well, well, well, well?" "They're not here." "What?" "They're not here." "The jewels are not here." "It can't be." "It can't be." "It can't be." "Do you hear me?" "It can't be!" "What's going on here?" "What are you doing?" "Where are my jewels?" "My jewels were in this chair." "They were your jewels?" "What do you mean "were"?" "They are." "Are my jewels." "Where are they?" "Where are they?" "Look around you." "See these chess tables, all this fine furniture?" "This club was built with them." "When were they found?" "Four months ago." "Right on this spot in the old club." "Kaminsky was putting up a curtain." "He was standing on a chair." "Suddenly, bang, his shoe went right through the seat, and all that stuff came tumbling out— diamonds, rubies, necklaces." "It was a miracle." "No, no." "They were mine." "Mine." "I'd better get the police!" "Help!" "Police!" "Help!" "See?" "See?" "He's mad!" "You!" "Put that down!" "Oh, you wanna play rough, eh?" "That has done it." "Come on." "We better make tracks." "Never hit a policeman." "Never, ever hit a policeman." "Halt!" "It's too high." "The horse!" "The horse?" "Jump!" " Come on." " Halt!" " Come on!" " Halt!" "Halt!" "Why don't you get rid of that thing?" "Listen, old man." "We have got to split up." "It's the only sensible thing to do." "The police are looking for a handsome, young desperado... and a crazy old man with a broken chair." "I think I'll do better without you." "Look, what are you shaking your head for?" "I'm not taking a vote." "I'm telling you something." "This partnership is over, dissolved, finished." "The company is bankrupt." "Look." "Here." "Look, you maniac." "Three kopecks!" "How far can we go together on three kopecks?" "I simply can't afford you anymore!" "Epilepsy, my friends!" "Epilepsy!" "The same disease that struck down... our own beloved Dostoievsky." "Give. from the bottom of your hearts." "Natasha Nikolaevna." "Natasha Nikolaevna." "I'm going." "Call the priest." "Get my son-in-law." "Hurry!" "I must talk to him." "There's something I must tell him before I die." "There, there, Claudia Ivanovna." "You will be all right." "Just" "Kolya!" "Kolya, quick." "Run to the town hall." "Tell Vorobyaninov his mother-in-law is dying." "Tell him to hurry." "I'm going to get the priest." "Bozhe moi." "That poor woman." "That poor woman." "Who is going to take care of me?" "It's in the hands of God now." "All we can do is pray." "Thank you for coming, Father." "It was my pleasure." "Go to her." "Go to her, my child." "Comfort her." "She needs you." "Courage." "Courage." "Father Fyo" "Dor." "She's inside." "Not to worry." "I, uh— Courage." "Oh, my dear neighbor." "I'm so glad you're here." "She has been calling for you." "I just saw the priest." "He seemed in a great hurry." "He was very peculiar." "Very peculiar." "She just confessed." "How is she?" "She is doing splendidly." "The doctor says she'll be on her feet in a week." "She'll be dead before morning." "She looks terrible." "I'd better go in." "Ippolit, it's you." "You've come." "Yes." "I'm here." "It's me." "Oh, thank God." "Ippolit, do you remember our dining room suite?" "Dining room suite?" "In the big house in Stargorod." "Before the revolution." "Ah, yes." "Beautiful furniture." "Made by Hambs of London." "Ippolit, my jewels." "My diamonds." "I sewed them into one of the chairs." "What?" "My diamonds." "My jewels." "I sewed them into one of the chairs." "My gorgeous diamond tiara." "I wore it when I was presented at court." "My beautiful pearl earrings." "Pearl." "My emerald brooch." "Emerald." "My diamond necklace." "Diamond." "The little gold cat with the ruby eyes." "Stuffed in a ch—" "How could you do such a thing?" "Why didn't you give them to me?" "Why should I have given them to you... when you had already squandered away half my daughter's estate... with your parties and your horses?" "Why didn't you take them out?" "Why did you leave them there?" "I didn't have time!" "You remember how quickly we had to flee?" "They were left in the chair." "Bozhe moi." "Bozhe moi!" "50,000 rubles' worth of jewelry... stuffed in a chair!" "Heaven knows who may sit on that chair!" "If it's still a chair!" "It may be firewood by now." "How could you do such a thing?" "How could you do such a thing?" "Please, Ippolit." "I know I did wrong, but... please forgive me." "Of course." "Of course, maman." "Of course I forgive you." "Thank you." "Now I can die in peace." "Hope for the best" "Expect the worst" "Some drink champagne some die of thirst" "No way of knowing" "Which way it's going" "Hope for the best expect the worst" "Hope for the best" "Expect the worst" "The world's a stage" "We're unrehearsed" "Some reach the top, friends while others flop, friends" "Hope for the best expect the worst" "I knew a man who saved a fortune that was splendid" "Then he died the day he planned to go and spend it" "Shouting Live while you're alive" "No one will survive" "Life is sorrow" "Here today and gone tomorrow Live while you're alive" "No one will survive" "There's no guarantee" "Hope for the best" "Expect the worst" "You could be Tolstoy or Fannie Hurst" "So take your chances" "There are no answers" "Hope for the best expect the worst" "I knew a man who saved a fortune that was splendid" "Then he died the day he planned to go and spend it" "Shouting Live while you're alive" "No one will survive" "Life is funny Spend your money" "Live while you're alive" "No one will survive" "There's no guarantee" "Hope for the best" "Expect the worst" "The rich are blessed" "The poor are cursed" "That is a fact, friends" "The deck is stacked, friend" "Hope for the best expect the" "Even with a good beginning it's not certain that you're winning" "Even with the best of chances they can kick you in the "pantses"" "Look out for the Watch out for the" "Worst" "Hey" "Give!" "Open your heart!" "Thank you, sir." "Thank you." "Very generous of you." "Now there's a healthy girl." "What can I say, little father?" "It's a miracle." "I can see." "I can walk." "Rejoice!" "Do you love me?" "Well, let's just say that I am very much in lust with you." "Oh, my God." "My husband!" "Your husband?" "Out goes the bad air, in goes the good air." "Out goes the bad air— What's going on?" " Who are you?" " This woman is my wife." "I'm her husband." "She fainted just outside the door." "I'm giving her artificial respiration." "How dare you allow a frail creature like this to carry heavy bundles." " Has she ever fainted before?" " Never." "Maybe once." "I don't know." "All right." "Come on." "Take over." "Now remember, out goes the bad air, in goes the good air." "Out goes the bad air, in goes the good air." "I should report you for this, but we'll let it go." "Thank you." "Thank you." "You are very kind." "It will never happen again." "I promise." "Never." "See that it doesn't!" "Out goes the bad air, in goes the good air." "Out goes the good air, in goes the bad air." "There, there." "Oh, boy." "You must have fallen." "Thank you." "Who are you?" "Ostap Bender at your service." "Cigarette?" "Thank you." "Tell me, uh, comrade" ""Comrade. " "Comrade. "" "Everybody calls me comrade." "Everybody in the new Soviet Union is a comrade." "People you don't know, strangers." "Everybody says "comrade. "" "Oh, I miss Russia." "Hmm, yes." "Tell me, uh, what goes on in this great house?" "Mostly dying." "Dying." "It's an old-age home for weary, old ladies." "They tippy-toe in, they have a little bowl of porridge... and— That's it." "Oh, what a pity." "What a pity." "See, I thought it was a hotel." "You, uh— You don't happen to know of any nearby, do you?" "You see, I've come a long way, and I'm seeking suitable lodgings for the night." "Oh, uh, by the by, do you happen to have a spare bed down there?" "No, I don't, Mr. By the By." "I don't happen to have a spare bed." "There isn't a spare bed in all of Russia!" "People are sleeping between each other... and you're talking spare bed." "You make me laugh." "Ho, wah, wah, wah, wah." ""Spare bed. " You must be nuts." "Listen." "I'll tell you what." "If you'll buy me a drink, you can sleep on the floor." "Done." "Good." "Come on." "What are you doing in Stargorod?" "You look to me like a Muscovite." "Listen, tell me." "Tell me." "Who lived here in the old days?" "Oh, in the old days was my master," "Ippolit Matveyevich Vorobyaninov." "He was a marshal of the nobility." "I loved him." "He hardly ever beat us." "Ah." "And whatever became of your lovable master?" "One night, about 10 years ago, was a fearful noise." "It was bombs and cannons and soldiers shooting." "It was terrible, terrible." "Oh, yes." "I think it was called the revolution." "That was it." "The revolution." "You're smart." "You're smart and you're gorgeous." "You're okay." "Anyways, they all run away." "Well, come on, old boy." "Let us see how drunk... two Russians can get on one ruble." "I like that." "Two Russians, one ruble." "Ah." "Ivan, fetch the marshal's horse." "He's coming." "He's coming." "Master." "I love him." "I love him." "Please, dear, hurry home." "But don't gallop." ""Don't gallop. " Do you hear that, Petya?" ""Don't gallop," but "Hurry home. "" "That's your job." "You'll have to puzzle it out." "It's too much for me." "Ippolit, take care." "Don't drink too much, and don't gamble." "And stay away from the gypsies." " Ils sont voleurs." " Chere maman, restez calme." "Tout va bien." "Tikon, you idiot, my gloves." "There, master." "I love him." "I love him." "Here's your castle." "Drink vodka, we talk." "We have some fun." "You know what we can... do." "Master?" "Tikon." "Master?" "Is it really him?" "It's impossible!" "It can't be!" "It can't be!" "It can't be!" "It can't be!" "Oh, ma—" "Oh, that's him." "That's him." "That's my master." "Oh, master, master." "Here, Tikon." "Oh, so good to see you." "Here is a ruble." "You go have some vodka, and you don't come back for a bit." "Vodka." "Your master and I have business to discuss." "Come on." "Business." "Business." "Come on." "Tikon." "You're not to say a word to anyone about my being here." "It is secret." "I'm not to tell anyone my master is in Stargorod." "It's a secret." "My master told me a secret." "So, you'd prefer to keep your whereabouts a secret." "Very interesting." "Who are you?" "What is this business you have to discuss with me?" "I have no business with you." "What do you want?" "Oh, I don't know." "I guess maybe it depends upon what you're hiding." "Maybe this will shed a little light on the matter." "Give me that." "That's mine!" "Oh, how very impressive." "This ought to fetch quite a lot." "Please give me that paper." "It's personal property." "Oh, haven't you heard?" "There is no personal property in the Soviet Union." "Everything belongs to the people." "Will you please give me that paper?" "It is a private matter, and I am not at liberty to discuss it." "Yes, of course." "Of course." "One shouldn't interfere in private matters." "It's considered gauche." "There you are." "Now, I must be off." " Where are you going?" " Ah, the eternal question." "Quo vadis?" "Well, if you must know, I am "vadising" off to gossip with the secret police." " "Secret police"?" " Well, what can I do, old cock?" "After all, I am a patriotic citizen of the Soviet Union." "It is my sacred duty to turn you in." "Now, maybe if you weren't such a selfish pig, we could do business." "I can't." "I'm going." "Wait." "Why?" "Let's talk." "About what?" "Things." "What things?" "I don't know." "Situation— I'm going." "Wait." "Why?" "Let's talk." "About what?" "It." "What's "it"?" "You know." "I know what?" "What we're talking about." "We're talking about nothing." "I'm going." "You mustn't." "I must." "Why?" "The reward." "What reward?" "For turning you in." "Wait." "Why?" "We'll talk." "About what?" "About the diamonds, the diamonds, the diamonds!" "The diamonds." "And most of this stuff was purchased... 20 or 30 years ago for about 50,000 rubles, hmm?" "Yes." "That means that today... they'd probably be worth between 150,000 and 200,000." "As much as that?" "Not a kopeck less." "And maybe more." "I've got to find those chairs." "Tikon is back." " Tikon, come here." " Coming, master." " Tikon—" " Coming." "I'm coming." "Coming, master." "I'm coming." "Coming." "Coming." "Coming." "Coming." "Coming." "Coming." "Coming." "I'm coming, master." "I'm coming." "I'm coming." "I'm coming, master." "Tikon." "You see?" "I'm here." "Tikon, the furniture." "What happened to the furniture?" "The furniture." "Yes, the furniture." "What happened to the furniture?" "The furniture?" "What happened to the furniture?" "Tikon." "Tikon." "Well, cross-examination of the witness... will have to be adjourned until tomorrow morning." "Let's go to bed." "Oh, thou who knowest all—" "You know." "Tikon." "Master." "Oh, master, you're still—" "Where is the furniture?" "The furniture?" "Yes, Tikon." "Where is the furniture?" "You mean upstairs in the house?" "Yes" "Some of it is still there." "The velvet sofa is there." "It's a mess now." "And the andirons." "They kept the andirons." "Did they keep the chairs?" "There was a dining room suite with 12 chairs, made by Hambs of London." "They were upholstered in gold brocade." "Do you remember?" "Twelve chairs." "Walnut." "Covered in gold brocade." "Yes!" "Yes!" "That's them!" "That's them!" "They're gone." " All but one." " Where is it?" "The pantry, outside the kitchen." "Sits there." "A major." "A beauty." "Good." "Now what happened to the other 11 chairs?" "One morning, a big van came... from the Bureau of Housing, took everything." "The Bureau of Housing?" "Now, think, Tikon." "What street is the Bureau of Housing on?" "Headache!" "Headache!" "I have such a headache!" "What I did last night." "All right." "Never mind." "I'll find it." "What do you mean you'll find it?" "Look, I don't give a damn who finds it." "All right." "It's time for action." "You will go upstairs and occupy chair number one, and I will lead the attack at the Bureau of Housing." "I'm off." "Uh, wait." "What shall I tell them?" "You will tell them that you are Cousin Michael from Kiev, and you will say that all the Vorobyaninovs are dead... and that you are willing to pay hard rubles for something... to remember them by." "Cousin Michael from Kiev." "All the Vorobyaninovs are dead." "I am Cousin Michael from Kiev." "All the Vorobyaninovs are dead." "Yes?" "I am Cousin Kiev from Vorobyaninov." "All the Michaels are dead." "What?" "What can I do for you?" "I am Cousin— Chair!" "Aaah!" "Give me that— I want that chair!" "Stop or I'll call the police!" "Police?" "Give it to me!" "Give it to me!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Father Fyodor." "How are ya?" "Well, this is disgusting." "This is truly disgusting." "Not so fast!" "Not so fast!" "That's my chair." "It's the Holy Father." "Taking up a collection, are you?" "Here's a donation." "Thank you." "Why are you after my chair?" "It's not yours." "Then whose is it?" "It's nationalized property." "It belongs to the workers." "Did you say the workers?" " Yes." "The workers." " Maybe the Holy Father... is a member of the Communist Party." "Maybe." "But the party is for atheists." "How can a priest join the party?" "The church must keep up with the times." "How did you find out about the jewels?" "People talk." "Why, you disgusting creature." "You used the sacred sacrament of confession... to further your own ends!" "Not really." "Well, you are just about... the most contemptible creature... it has ever been my misfortune to meet." "You're not worth spitting on!" "Well, you are!" "Come back, you coward!" "You'd better keep away from my chairs!" "Finders, keepers!" "Hmm." "It's just like a detective story." "We have a mysterious rival." "Hey, uh, you'd better get out of here." "You look rather conspicuous." "You're right." "You're right." "Oh, how I hate him." "Oh, God, how I hate him." "Go." ""Hambs. "" ""Drapes. "" "Here we are." "Hello." "That's it." "Can I help you?" "Well?" "I didn't know anybody was... here." "I came in and—" "I—" "Persons seeking information are to wait in the waiting area prescribed for them." "It is a criminal offense for unauthorized citizens... to tamper with official files." "Oh, yes." "Yes, to be sure." "To be sure." "Remove your hat." "All right." "Now that you are in the proper area, would you please state your business?" "Chairs." "Dining room, walnut, made by Hambs, belonging to a certain Ippolit Matveyevich Vorobyaninov." "Tell me, comrade." "Yes." "Why exactly are you seeking this particular set of chairs?" "It's, uh— it's personal." "I'm sorry." "No information, no information." "All right." "All right." "I'll tell you everything." "I am Vorobyaninov's son." "His firstborn." "He was like a father to me." "So, you are Vorobyaninov's son." "Yes, I am." "How old are you?" "Forty-six." "Forty-four." "Which is it?" "Forty-two." "I'm 42." "According to our records, Vorobyaninov is 53." "That means that when you were born, your father was... 11." "Ticktock." " Are you trying to bribe a Soviet official?" " Oh, no, no, no." "No, no, no." "I was hoping for the best." "Well, since you are Vorobyaninov's only son," "I'll see what I can do." "Thank you." "Bless you." "Now, if you will just excuse me," "I will be back in one moment." "Oh, thank you." "Bless you." "Ah." "Perfect." "One dozen Hambs chairs, property of General Polyakov." "Better make that 11." "Sent to a certain engineer Bruns, irkutsk" "Siberia." "Here we are." "Here's your shipping order." "One moment, please." "Excuse me." "Procedure." "I hope you find your chairs." "Eleven chairs." "That's it." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Bless you." "Bless you." "Bless you." "Bless you!" "Bless you!" "Moscow." "The chairs are in Moscow." "I can hardly believe it." "I mean, we're actually going to see them." "My chairs are in a museum." "I never realized they were so valuable." "If they only knew." "Moscow!" "They're not here." "The chairs are not here." "Look." "See that cabinet?" "Empire." "And those writing tables." "Louis Quinze." "We're on the wrong floor." "I know we're on the wrong floor." "Take it easy." "Take it easy." "And what if they're not here at all?" "How would we ever find them, hmm?" "Where would we look?" "Who would we ask?" "They're lost, I tell you." "Lost." "I never should have—" "My chairs." "My chairs!" "That's my furniture!" "I wonder which one it is." "Don't you worry about it." "We will know soon enough." "We will get the chairs at closing time." "Closing time." "Closing time." "Closing time." "Closing time." "Closing time." "Closing time." "What shall we do?" "Wait until these people go by, and then you follow me." "Here we are." "Get those Hambs dining room chairs... and put them on the cart." "Don't make a sound." "Calm." "Calm." "At all costs." "No." "No, no, no, no, no." "Don't take them all." "Leave four." "Four." "We are only taking seven." "Why are they only taking seven?" "We are only taking seven... because four is enough... to represent the period." "That's why." "Good." "Good." "Now, take the chairs to the freight entrance." "They will be collected at 8:00 a. m." "Tomorrow morning." "Good." "They're getting away." "They're getting away." "They're not getting away." "We know exactly where they're going." "And if luck is with us, we will never have to see those other chairs again." "What do you mean?" "I mean, thickhead, the jewels might very well be hidden... in one of these four beauties." " What are you doing?" " Maybe we missed something." "Does this look like we missed anything?" "The chairs!" "The chairs!" "I know, I know." "Shut up." ""Columbus Repertory Theatre. "" "Two, four, six." "Six." "Seven." "Where's seven?" "They're leaving!" "It's all right." "We know where they're going." "Our problem is number seven." "Where is number seven?" "Well, I must find out." "Yes, we must find out." "Not "we. " /." "You sit here and wait for me." "Sit." "Stay." "Irkutsk!" "Irkutsk!" "Siberia!" "Whoo!" "Yes?" "I am looking for Engineer Bruns." "I am Engineer Bruns." "What do you want?" "What is it?" "What are you doing?" "Olga!" "What's going on?" "What's going on?" "Andrei, why is that man kissing your knee?" "I don't know." "Dear lady" "On you I rest all my hopes." "On the chair." "No, no, no." "Don't— I must grovel at your feet." "Put him up on the chair." "No, no, no, no." "Now, once and for all, who are you and what do you want?" "I want to grovel at your feet." "I must grovel at your feet." "No groveling." "There will be no groveling in this house." "This is a Soviet household." "We don't allow groveling." "What do you want?" "I—" "These chairs." "I must have these chairs." "He wants our chairs." "Maybe he's a furniture dealer." "Are you a furniture dealer?" "Is that it?" "Not for personal gain." "I assure you, not for personal gain." "My motives are pure." "Ohh." "They're the very best motives." "I— I— I think... you're going to be very impressed with my motives." "Yes." " Well?" " Well what?" "Your motives." "You didn't tell us your motives." "Oh, yes." "My motives." "My motives." "Come on, brain." "Got it!" "The chairs belonged to my wife and her mother before her, and now my wife is ill." "She's very ill." "She's dying, dying." "Dead." "Dying." "Uh, she keeps calling for her chairs." "Oh, please." "You cannot deny me." "It's a dying woman's wish." "Olga, what shall we do?" "Shall we give him the chairs?" "Don't be ridiculous." "Nobody's taking my chairs." "You dirty" "I'm sorry." "I cannot let you have the chairs." "I didn't hear that." "I didn't hear that." "I didn't hear that." "I don't want to hear that." "Don't you understand?" "I don't want to hear that." "Ooh!" "That's a hot—" "That's a hot—" "My dear lady, don't you understand?" "I need those chairs!" " Andrei!" " Oh, please." " Oh, please." " Stop that!" "Andrei!" "Out!" "I want him out of this house immediately!" "Well, that's done it." "Wait." "Wait." "Let's discuss this like adults!" "Don't judge a book by its cover." "A memento." "A memento of my visit to your lovely home." "Wait!" "Wait!" "I'll pay!" "100 rubles!" "102?" "You down there." "If we don't sail in 10 minutes, I'll miss the tide." "Wait, please." "A few more minutes." "One of my actors is missing." "Wait." "Gronsky." "Where is Gronsky?" "How the hell can I do the play without Gronsky?" "Sevitsky, how could you let this happen?" "It's your job to make sure that the actors... are supposed to be where they're supposed to be... and not wandering around drunk somewhere." "Well— Shut up." "Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk." "That's all I hear from you." "Oh, my goodness." "I look dreadful." "Why didn't you say something?" "Time and tide wait for no man." "I like that reading." "Maybe he could play the count." "Sevitsky, that vulgar man in the wheelhouse, it's only good for one thing— running ships... and trying to browbeat his superiors." "Well, if worse comes to worse," "I shall play the count." "Worse shall never come to that worse." "Excuse me." "I'm looking for the commissar producer of the Columbus Theatre." "That's me." "Good, good." "I'm in time." "And what do you want?" "I've just come from Gronsky." "He told me to find you." " Where is he?" " Moscow General Hospital." " Yes, he was a little in his cups, you might say." "He tried to stop a streetcar." "He suffered two broken legs and minor contusions." "And, uh, who are you?" "Well, I am from the Artists' Union, theater division." "I'm to accompany you." "I took the liberty of getting an immediate replacement for Gronsky." "Fine actor." "Made for the part." "With your permission, I will just bring him right on board." "One moment." "I—" "Guess what." "From now on, you are an actor." "Sevitsky." "Where are you going with that samovar?" "What samovar?" "That samovar." "Oh, this samovar." "Yes." "Well, I was going to have it polished up... for the show tonight." "Sevitsky, if I catch you trying to sell another piece of company property," "Siberia!" "I was going to have it polished." "I swear!" "I swear!" "I hate people I don't like." "I feel something." "I knew it." "I felt it." "I felt it in my bones." "Lucky seven." "Little lucky seven." "That is seven." "This is eight." "Lucky eight." "Lucky eight." "Well, seems much too small for all that loot." "Open it, open it." "Empty." "Empty." "Somebody must have got to the jewels before us." "Oh, there were never any jewels in this box." "It was put in by the furniture maker." ""One set of 12 chairs..." ""crafted for I.M. Vorobyaninov... by Christopher Hambs of London. "" "I really thought we had them." "Next." "What's going on here?" "We are actors." "We are members of the Columbus Repertory Theatre." "As you can see, my dear sir, some of our chairs were broken in transit." "We are repairing them." "Misha, hand me the leg." "Misha." "If you're actors, you'd better get up to the ship's theater." "The show's starting." "Oh, yes, of course." "Of course." "Come along, Misha." "Come along." "Come along." ""The workers are dissatisfied." "They intend to make a revolution." "Is there any truth to this rumor?"" ""An uprising of peasants and workers." "I have never heard anything so absurd. "" "Good." "Bender, the other three chairs in the hold." "The other three chairs in the hold depend upon you, my friend." "Hmm?" "If you go out on that stage and make a fool of yourself, you will get us thrown off this ship before you can say Nicholas and Alexandra." "It's only a play." "I have attended a theater before, you know." "Ah, Krakov." "It will be so marvelous to see that stimulating Count Krakov again." "Oh, yes." "I too have missed him." " Where's Krakov?" " That must be Count Krakov now." "You're on." "Ah, Count Krakov." "Ostap." "Take me with you!" "Not a chance." "Ostap" "You'll never catch up with that boat." "I don't intend to." "I'm going to take the train and meet the boat at Yalta." "Ostap!" "Ostap!" "I'm not a strong swimmer!" "I'm not a swimmer." "Help!" "Vorobyaninov." "Help." "Help." "Help." "Thank you." "Thank you." "I—" "Cold." "It's cold." "Here." "Thank you." "You're a good soul, Bender." "A good soul." "Mmm!" "This borscht is delicious, Olga." "I love it cold!" "Why didn't you ever make it cold?" "How could I make it cold in Irkutsk?" "If we didn't eat hot things, we'd have died there." "Smell that air." "Smell that air!" "Like wine." "I know." "I know." "Every night I thank God for your transfer to Yalta." "I don't think I could have survived another winter there." "My dear." "My dearest dear." "103." "What?" "I didn't say anything." "104." "Olga?" "105." "Good." "Oh, good." "Good." "Good." "Oh, thank you." "Thank you." "How very generous of you." "You really shouldn't have done it." "Please, go now." "I never want to see you again." "Oh, I must say good-bye to Madame Bruns." "How can I leave without saying good-bye to Madame Bruns?" "No!" "The chairs." "I don't see the chairs." "Yes?" "Uh, we're still thinking." "Sevitsky." "He looks pregnant." "Come on." "Let's not lose him." "We must see where he delivers his child." "Ah, it's a boy." "Comrade Sevitsky!" "You are under arrest for selling property belonging to the state." "Polished." "I'm having it polished." "Oh, it's you," "Count Krakov." "Well, you've had your little joke." "Now, if you don't mind, I'll be on my way." "Wait a minute." "I would like to talk a little business." "Business?" "Yes." "I'm interested in some chairs." "Three of them, to be exact." "They're in your present production at the Columbus Theatre." "Oh, yes." "Walnut." "Gold covers." "I'm afraid they are already spoken for." "Listen, scum!" "I want those chairs." "Do you hear me?" "I want those chairs!" "You don't understand." "It's quite impossible." "I promised them to a certain individual." "He's giving me 10 rubles apiece." "Sell him something else." "I want those chairs." "Don't worry." "You won't be out a kopeck." "You will get your 30 rubles." "Oh, my throat!" "When can you deliver the chairs?" "Tonight." "After the performance." "You'll bring them here?" "Yes." "I'll bring them here." "All right." "Now, Sevitsky, please don't disappoint me." "Because if you do, I'm afraid I'll have to break your neck." "A threat to the wise, hmm?" "All right." "Midnight." "Here on this spot." "You bring the money, I'll bring the chairs." "Bender, Bender, 30 rubles?" "How do we raise 30 rubles?" "Thank you." "Fine day for a picnic." "The others should be along any minute." "Thank you." "Thank you and good-bye." "Good-bye." "Have a nice day." "Good-bye." "Get out of here!" "Ooh!" "Oh, what beautiful wood." "What fine detail." "Beautiful workmanship." "Beautiful workmanship!" "What a gorgeous chair!" "Oh, it can't be." "It can't be!" "It can't be!" "It couldn't be!" "It can't be!" "It can't— It can't be!" "I don't want to live." "I don't want to live!" "I don't want to live!" "I don't want to live!" "I don't want to live!" "Thirty rubles!" "Of course!" "Of course!" "Dostoievsky." "What?" "Never mind." "Can you roll your eyes?" "Roll my eyes?" "Yes, roll your eyes." "I don't know." "Try it." "Oh, that's wonderful." "Born to do it." "Now, at a given signal— Stop it." "At a given signal from me, you will fall from this bench onto the ground... and pretend to have an epileptic fit." "You will roll your eyes, you will move your arms and legs... in short, spastic jerks... and generally writhe around out of control." "I will call attention to your pitiful state, and the good-hearted citizens of Yalta will shower you with coins." "What a disgusting idea." "What filthy taste!" "There never was and there never will be... a Vorobyaninov who begs!" "Parasite!" "Parasite!" "Parasite!" "Disgusting, helpless, inept, bloodsucking parasite!" "Vorobyaninovs never beg!" "I begged all my life!" "Now listen, old man." "Pride is a luxury that neither you nor I can afford... at this time in our lives." "We need 30 rubles to make our dreams come true." "It's sink or swim." "I choose swim." "Now, to beg or not to beg?" "That is the question." "I will give you five... to decide yes or no." "On the count of five, it is farewell." "One— Yes." "Yes, yes, yes." "Good." "Now, do your stuff." "Attention!" "Ladies and gentlemen, attention!" "A comrade, a citizen, a fellow human being... cries out for our attention!" "Epilepsy, my friends!" "Epilepsy." "The same disease that struck down our own beloved Dostoievsky." "God knows what genius, what great works of art may be trapped... in the mind of this poor, wretched soul." "Ah, this poor man." "This poor man." "Roll your eyes!" "Yes, give!" "Give... so that this quivering, shivering, helpless victim... can receive desperately needed medical attention." "Give!" "Give, please!" "Open your hearts." "Give." "Give." "Give." "Thank you." "Please give." "Cigarette?" "No, thank you." "Hmm." "Still angry, huh?" "When this business is over," "I never want to see you again." "Oh, you're here." "Good." "Yes." "Won't you come in?" "Yes." "Sorry I'm late." "I had to wait till everybody left the theater." "It was opening night, and there was a party." "What can I tell you?" "You can tell me why you only brought two chairs." "We made a deal for three." "Well, yes, I tried, but— Where's the other chair?" "Where is the other chair?" "Do you know what I went through to raise money for those chairs?" "Shh." "Come on." "You're gonna ruin everything." "What's the matter with you people?" "Every time we meet, you go for my throat." "What happened to the other chair?" "There is a thief in our company." "It's terrible." "He sold the chair to a Finnish aerialist for 10 rubles." "A Finnish aerialist?" "Yes." "He works at the fair, just outside of town." "Can I have my 30 rubles now, please?" "Twenty!" "Y" " Y-Yes." "Sorry." "Twenty." "Twenty." "Twenty." "Twenty." " Again the throat." " Here." "Here's your money." "Twenty." "Thank you." "Tell me, why are you so interested in these chairs?" " Shut up." " Oh." "That's the reason." "Bye." "Well, don't give up, old friend." "Remember the famous Russian proverb:" ""The hungrier you get, the tastier the meal. "" "On the other hand, the French have a proverb:" "Merde!" "Thy love will banish sorrow" "Thy love shall cleanse my grief" "The sun will shine tomorrow" "My a-a-a-a-anguish" "Will be brief" "Oh, foolish man." "Foolish, foolish man that I am." "I must not weep." "I must count my blessings." "My blessings." "I don't want to live!" "Thy love shall banish sorrow" "Thy love shall cleanse my grief" "The chair!" "Come down, you thief!" "Come down here this instant!" "That's my chair!" "Do you hear me?" "My chair!" "Listen, you!" "That's my chair!" "Get down, you fool!" "Get down!" "You'll kill us both!" "I want that chair." "Give me that chair!" "Oh, Lord." "Oh, Lord, your lamb is lost." "Please help me." "Oh, please help me, Lord." "Thank you." "It's mine!" "Do you hear?" "Mine!" "Mine!" "Mine!" "Mine!" "Mine!" "Very nice." "Very nice, indeed." "A partner in the firm... running off with the company's assets!" "So you wanna play horsey, huh?" "Mine!" "Mine!" "Mine!" "Father Fyodor!" " Need a hand, mon père?" " Oh, come on, God!" "The chairman of the board." "Where is he?" "Ah, hate!" "Hate!" "Hate!" "God sees." "God sees all." "Why do you think he gave me the strength... to climb straight up a mountain wall and deny the same to you?" "There must be some reason." "Oh, God, how I hate him!" "He mustn't get away!" "He mustn't get away!" "He mustn't get— Mustn't get away." "Mustn't get away." "Fear not, my dear marshal." "He will not get away." "As a matter of fact, he can't get away." "There's no way down." "Come on." "I'll show you." "Come on." "See?" "No way down." "There's no way down." "He can't get down." "He's trapped." "He's trapped." "You're trapped!" "You're tra-a-a-apped!" "Ah." "It stopped raining." "It's very quiet." "What do you suppose he's doing?" "Do you think he found the jewels?" "In a moment, the jury will bring in a verdict." "Oh, Lord, you're so strict!" "Oh!" "Well, the last chair is in Moscow." "Only 3,000 miles away." "Come, my friend." "Let us take a stroll." "Oh, Lord!" "Oh, Lord, if this is your pun ishment." "How did I get here?" "There's no way down." "There's absolutely no way down." "I'm gonna need a great deal of help to get down." "Boys!" "Oh, boys!" "Yoo-hoo!" "Vorobyaninov!" "I have always liked you." "You know that." "We come from the same village." "For 25 years, I have been your priest." "Oh, for Christ's sake, get me down!" "Get... me... down!" "I'm hungry." "Where did you lose the man with the chair?" "Look around." "Does anything look familiar?" "All right." "Come on." "I now officially open... the Moscow Railway Workers'..." "Communal House of Recreation." "May it serve to comfort... those brave heroes of Soviet transportation, the railway workers of the U.S.S.R.!" "A free buffet lunch will be served immediately." "Come on!" "Come on!" "There's other people waiting." "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "What are you doing?" "Go on!" "I didn't get a roll." "Come on." "I didn't get a roll!" "Here." "Would you mind very much if I took something from your plate?" "I didn't get a chance to get any food." "There was a greedy pig holding up the line." "Animal." "Thirsty." "Ostap." "Ostap!" "Yes, old man." "The last chair." "See!" "We are not the only smart ones." "Hello, comrades!" "Hello." "Hello, comrades." "Welcome." "Maman!" "Eat." "Take your eyes off that chair." "I'm gonna check the window." "I have unfastened the window latch, and we will return tonight after the club has closed." "One, two, three!" "Come on." "Come on!" "Chair." "Where is the chair?" "You're sitting on it." "Here." "Come on." "Let me do it." "Let me do it!" "Well?" "Well, well, well, well?" "They're not here." "What?" "They're not here." "The jewels are not here." "It can't be." "It can't be." "It can't be." "Do you hear me?" "It can't be!" "What's going on here?" "What are you doing?" "Where are my jewels?" "My jewels were in this chair." "They were your jewels?" "What do you mean "were"?" "They are." "Are my jewels." "Where are they?" "Where are they?" "Look around you." "See these chess tables, all this fine furniture?" "This club was built with them." "When were they found?" "Four months ago." "Right on this spot in the old club." "Kaminsky was putting up a curtain." "He was standing on a chair." "Suddenly, bang, his shoe went right through the seat, and all that stuff came tumbling out— diamonds, rubies, necklaces." "It was a miracle." "No, no." "They were mine." "Mine." "I'd better get the police!" "Help!" "Police!" "Help!" "See?" "See?" "He's mad!" "You!" "Put that down!" "Oh, you wanna play rough, eh?" "That has done it." "Come on." "We better make tracks." "Never hit a policeman." "Never, ever hit a policeman." "Halt!" "It's too high." "The horse!" "The horse?" "Jump!" " Come on." " Halt!" " Come on!" " Halt!" "Halt!" "Why don't you get rid of that thing?" "Listen, old man." "We have got to split up." "It's the only sensible thing to do." "The police are looking for a handsome, young desperado... and a crazy old man with a broken chair." "I think I'll do better without you." "Look, what are you shaking your head for?" "I'm not taking a vote." "I'm telling you something." "This partnership is over, dissolved, finished." "The company is bankrupt." "Look." "Here." "Look, you maniac." "Three kopecks!" "How far can we go together on three kopecks?" "I simply can't afford you anymore!" "Epilepsy, my friends!" "Epilepsy!" "The same disease that struck down... our own beloved Dostoievsky." "Give. from the bottom of your hearts."