"Previously on Awkward..." "Even though Matty is blind to your treachery," "I'm not." "End it with Colin or tell Matty." "You need to shut that shit down." "Your mom's throwing you a surprise party!" "All:" "Surprise!" "Jenna, honey?" "Are you still in there?" "Physically, yes." "Mentally, I am all over the place." "Are you coming out today?" "No." "So you're not going to school?" "How can I go to school if I'm not coming out?" "Good point." "Should I tell the school you're sick?" "Tell them whatever you want." "My life is over." "Matty won't return my calls or my emails or my texts." "I even called his house phone and his mom picked up and said that he wasn't available." "What does that even mean?" "That's he's not available for everyone or for me?" "I am freaking out." "So just please go away." "I'm never gonna recover from everything that happened." "I'm gonna go run some errands." "Are you sure you don't wanna come with?" "And tell me if you and Matty are still together?" "Go away." "Or you can just tell me." "Go away!" "Ha!" "I fooled you." "Just talk to me." "I don't wanna talk." "I just wanna be left alone to suffer in silence." "I am an asshole and a cheater and a liar and everyone hates me." "Did you and Matty break up?" "Or are you still together?" "Just give me something that I can work with." "I need clarity." "And I need a hug." "Oh, baby." "Oh!" "Damn it!" "[Door closes]" "Honey, I know what will make you feel better!" "Let's open your gifts!" "[Loud rock music plays]" "?" "If you don't come out, I'm gonna open them for you!" "I'm doing it!" "Never mind!" "Jenna won't come out of her room." "She's been in there all weekend and now she's not going to school." "So she's pulling a sick-out?" " A what-out?" " A sick-out." "She's being a truant." "I'm gonna write her a note." "Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba." "The less I know the better." "I cannot be complicit in your scheme." "What should I do?" "Break down her door." "I thought about that, but I just painted the hall." "Right, right." "It's a little extreme." "Tear gas?" "I think we've had enough tears this weekend to last a lifetime." "Okay, let's just cut to what's really important." "Are Jenna and Matty still together?" " I don't know." " Damn it!" "Can you keep your ears to the street?" "That's where they live L-dog." "I'll call you later with the intel." "[Phone beeps]" "You have to talk to Jenna." "I would if I could, but she won't return my calls or answer any of my texts." " Have you talked to Matty?" " No." "I haven't seen him all day or heard from him all weekend." "Not since the party." "He's icing me out too." " Where's T?" " Hell if I know." "She's not answering her cell." "What is going on in our world?" "It's madness." "It's total fucking madness." "So, what do you think?" "Jenna and Matty break up or not?" "Isn't it obvious?" "It's over." " How do you know?" " How do you not know?" "You were there too." " You saw the aftermath." " No." "After Jenna and Collin came through the door," "I went out back to call Tamara and give her a heads-up." "Don't you remember?" "Dude, I wasn't paying attention to you." " I was watching the show." " What show?" " You don't know?" " Know what?" "Okay." "So it was moments before the surprise." "We were crouching behind the couch, waiting to surprise Jenna." "Oh, yeah, that's when I asked, "Where's Tamara?"" "And I said, "She's on her way."" "And then I rolled my eyes." "Are you gonna let me finish or are we gonna debate the details all day?" "Okay, okay." "Continue." "So, we could hear the keys rumbling at the door and then Valerie was getting apoplectic about shushing me up because Lissa was going on and on about finally getting out of her neck brace." "And my doctor, Brian, he let's me call him by his first name because he wants me to feel more comfortable when he examines my breasts, so" "Do you not understand English?" "When I said quiet, I meant silencio!" "If you keep talking, you're gonna ruin the surprise, and ruining the surprise is the worst thing that can possibly happen." "[Door slams]" "All:" "Surprise!" "Surprise indeed." "So I guess ruining the surprise is not the worst thing that could happen." "Then Collin bailed and Matty went after him, pissed." "Oh, my God." "I was trying to sneak out and watch the action when Valerie jock-blocked the exit." "Nothing to see here!" "Let's just put on some music and roll out the snacks." "It's a fucking party, people, so let's party!" "So I grabbed a seat just in time to see the aftermath." "I'm so sorry, Collin." "I can't deal." "Matty hit Collin, then Jenna apologized to Collin, which infers that she's sided with him, which further infers the obvious fact that Jenna and Matty are done." "But Matty didn't hit Collin." " Then who did?" " Jenna." "What?" "How do you know?" "Well, I had just tried calling Tamara, you know, to fill her in on the sitch, but she wasn't picking up." "So when I came back in," "Jenna was taking Collin into the kitchen." "I'm so sorry, Collin." "I can't deal." "And then the dude slowly turned to me, looked me square in the eye and said..." "I didn't know a girl could hit that hard." "Can you believe he had the balls to turn to me for empathy?" "It's infuriating." "But besides the point, what happened next?" "And where was I?" "Well, then Jenna left the room and Mrs. Hamilton took Collin to the sink." "Oh, God." "Okay, come with me." "You were on the couch eating guac and chips." "Right." "My blood sugar always gets low when I'm stressed." "And Mrs. Hamilton makes some good guac." "Please." "She don't make that." "It's store-bought." "But I've seen her putting avocados into a bowl." "With the store-bought guac." "It's her trick." "So what we know is Jenna hit Collin to win Matty back." "And then felt bad for fucking up Collin's face." "So she went back inside to help fix said face, then" "Went back outside again to find Matty to beg for forgiveness." "And he's a softie, which means..." " They're still together!" " They're still together!" "But Jenna didn't hit Collin." "I did." "Which is why I missed school this morning." "I had to see a doctor." "My hand blew up to the size of a potato." "Everyone's hand is the size of a potato." "No, like, a modern potato that's jacked and stacked." "On steroids." " So what happened?" " I sprained it." " No, with Collin." " No, with Collin." "Ohhh." "So I was jimmy-jammying it to get to the party, but I had a wardrobe malfunction and had to stop to de-cling the static that was riding the jutt of my butt." "So my timing was off and I was late-late." "And I couldn't find my phone." "It wasn't in my purse or on my person and I still can't find it." "Anyway, when I got outside the house," "Jenna and Collin were getting up close and personal and I didn't know what to do." "I was speechless, which really says something." "So I slid and hid, and then before I could get into a good squat of thought, I heard..." "All:" "Surprise!" "At that point, I knew it was safe to make an appearance." "But as I popped out of the bushes," "Collin then Matty then Jenna rolled out of the house." "As the boys ran down the steps, Jenna yelled..." "Wait!" "And it was so sad because they both turned, not knowing who she was talking to." "It didn't mean anything." "It was a mistake." "She was talking to Matty." "And Matty-- poor Matty." "He looked like he had been stun gunned to the heart, so he was, like, paralyzed, not saying anything." "So I did what any decent friend would do." "I gave him a nudge." "Hit him!" "What's the point?" "Fine." "If you won't, I will." "Ow!" "Fuck!" "You broke my nose." "And you broke my BF/GF/BFF!" "Do you even realize how many years of praying it took to make that dream a reality?" "You ruined my life!" "Ow." "Can you believe that douchebag?" "I can't believe you hit him." "It was an impulsive reaction to an emotional situation and I swear, I will never pissed-fist again, ever." "Please don't be disappointed." "I'm not disappointed." "I'm impressed." "You did some real damage." "Up top, babe." " I love you." " I love you." "[Clears throat]" "So they're over?" " Finished." " Done-zo Washington." "Who are you talking about?" "All:" "Jenna and Matty." "They're not done." "How are they not done?" "I don't know the ins and outs." "I just know what I know." "And here's what I know." "I was crouched down next to Ming for the surprise, which was tricky, because I'm not a small person." "Suddenly, Jenna and Collin came through the door, tongue tied" " and we yelled..." "All:" " Surprise!" "Were were there, we know." "Get to the pertinent info." "Okay, okay." "So the scene became chaotic." "Complete, disorganized mayhem, and mayhem isn't my middle name." " It's Chen." " Oh!" "Therefore, I was extremely uncomfortable." "Nothing to see here." "Let's just put on some music" "All I wanted was to grab a snack and go." "But I got sandbagged by Ms. Marks." "You." "You're tall and good at math." "I need your expertise." "Come with me." "This is the ticket." "Nothing gets a party back on track like la piñata." "And I jam packed that bad boy with so many goodies that we will be blowing away our problems along with little bottles of bubbles." "I think that may be the problem." "The piñata's too heavy." "Put your back into it, Junior." "Your people built the railroads." "Come on." "Is that why she asked if you're good at math?" "Possibly." "Or she's racist." "Ooh, who's a racist?" "All:" "Valerie." "Tell me something I don't know." "I'm about to." "Anyway, I finally figured out how to rig the piñata based on an algorithm of height plus weight minus ignorance." "When suddenly, out of a play in my own handbook," "Matty hopped the fence and headed to a back entrance of the house." "All:" " Jenna's backdoor!" " Sure." "Did he or didn't he go inside?" "I don't know where he went or the layout of the house." "I've only been privy to the living room and backyard." "After he hopped the fence, did Matty go right or left?" "It was the left." "That's the side yard." "There's no entrance." "Maybe it was the right." "I'm getting flustered." "Let me think." "It was the right." "Definitely the right." "I think." "How do you not know your right from your left?" "This is important!" "I'm" " I'm not good under pressure, and I'm moderately dyslexic!" "That's okay." "Take a breath." "So from what we can gather," "Matty went to Jenna's backdoor to make up." " Or tear into her." " Nope." "You're both wrong." "Apparently I'm the only backdoor authority at this table." "You see, I had gotten to the party just in the nick of time." "And while everyone was scrambling for a hiding spot, nature called." "I need to find the little boys' room and fast." "But the powder room was too close to the action and I don't like to broadcast my stream." "[Toilet flushes] Upon finishing my business," " I heard..." "All:" " Surprise!" "I had missed the spectacle, so I decided to take my time and lather up on lotion." "Managing our skin care is essential at our age." "Not to mention, the lotion was jasmine scented." "I love me some tropical flowers." "Reminds me of this time I was time-sharing in Tulum and the family was gathered around." "We were all laying out on the beach, tanning" "All:" "Get to it!" "Jeez, settle down." "I'm just trying to paint a pretty picture." "So, I left the bathroom and lo and behold, there was Jenna on her bed, crying." "Oh, no." "Did the surprise scare you?" "Jenna didn't answer." " She just cried harder." " [Sobs]" "And that's when Matty barged in." "All:" "And then what?" "He started pacing." "'Cause he was trying to figure out what to say." "Or fight off the tears." "Or get a little exercise." "Stop interjecting!" "Clark, finish, please." "Thank you, sweetie." "So, Matty continued pacing back and forth looking around the room and Jenna pleaded..." "Matty please, I can explain." "Oh, you don't need to say anything." "I think that kiss said it all." "Would you please just look at me?" "But he wouldn't look at her." "He just kept pacing around the room." " And then-- All:" " And then?" "He found his car keys and left." "That doesn't mean anything." "Or maybe it does." "Maybe he left to calm down and Jenna texted Collin to tell him to leave, and maybe that's why Collin got upset and started the fire in the kitchen." "There was a fire?" "Oh, right." "The fire." " We were eating chips and guac" " Made at Gelson's." "When something started to smell." "Is something burning?" "Um..." "[Sniffs]" "Yeah." "[Smoke detector beeps]" "Fire!" "Lacey, what are you thinking cooking pre-cooked cupcakes?" "Told ya, Mrs. Hamilton doesn't cook." "She collaborates." "Well, what about the stir-fry she made for me last year on my birthday?" "That wasn't stir-fry." "It was stir-lie, my friend." "And that's it?" "That's all we know?" "Actually, no." "After the fire was out, we heard a scream." "And we ran outside to console Jenna." "But that wasn't Jenna." "Why did you scream?" "Well..." "It started when I was waiting for the surprise and I got the great idea to film it." "I mean, who wouldn't wanna see their own surprise after being surprised?" "But my phone was in my purse that was under a couple of bags around the other side of Ming and Fred." "But thankfully, I had full mobility again and I could reach around with full range of commotion." "All:" "Motion." "And then the door started to turn and Valerie got in my face and next thing you know, I was up on my feet." "All:" "Surprise." "I mean, I sprung up real fast 'cause I'm almost as flexible as I was before the accident." "All:" "Skip ahead!" "So then, Jenna and Collin came back inside and I started eating and texting" "All:" " Skip ahead!" " To where?" "All:" " The scream!" " Oh." "Okay." "[Smoke detector beeps] So there was a fire." "Fire!" "And I hate fires, so I ran outside, but I didn't know which way to run." "First I ran one way and into Matty, who was hopping the fence." "Then I ran the other way and" "[Screams]" " Got hit in the head." " Are you okay?" "I'm okay." "Now I'm not." "[All gasp]" "Ah, nailed it!" "Now I'm confused." "Matty left and hopped the fence, but... did they break up?" "Do you want me to guess?" "All:" "No." "Where did Matty go?" "My house." "What happened at your house?" "A celebration of sorts." "While I wasn't invited to Jenna's party," "I was there." "Virtually speaking." "All:" "Surprise!" "Oh, Hamiltoe, how you never cease to disappoint." "[Knocks on door]" "Matty was apathetic." "That bitch was dead to him on arrival." "How could she do this to me?" "I gotta say, I was surprised he was so callous." "He dumped her?" "I cannot confirm nor deny that statement." " What does that mean?" " It means she's useless." "And you're a troll." "You're welcome." "This is pointless." "Can we talk about something else?" "Please." "Nussbaum Liquor doesn't card anymore." "All:" "Really?" "[Chattering, laughter]" "L-dog, I got nada." "No intel." "No one's talking about it." "Thanks for trying." "I guess we won't know till we know." " Is the fox still in the hole?" " She's in her room." "And there's no telling if she'll ever come out." "Gotta go." "[Phone beeps]" "Honey, you okay?" "Where are you going?" "To talk to Matty." "To... break up?" "Make up?" "I don't know." "I don't know what to say." "How long has it been going on?" "A day." "A few days." "Not long." "What did you do with him?" "Actually don't-- don't tell me." "I don't wanna know." "Just tell me that I won't ever have to know." "Okay." "But it meant nothing." "Okay, I-I can forgive you, Jenna." "It's just-- it's gonna take me some time." "I understand." "So, well, uh, let's try to get back to where we were?" "We can't." "What do you mean?" "I mean, I can't-- I can't go back." "Are you breaking up with me?" "No." "We're breaking up with each other because... this must have happened for a reason, and I can't look at you and wonder if when you look at me you see the same girl you fell in love with" "before this happened." "I'm so, so sorry, Matty." "I'm so sorry." "♪ I need you back ♪" "♪ are you comin' back ♪" "[Sniffles]" "♪ I'm waiting ♪" "♪ I'm waiting ♪"