"Oh, what the hell?" "Who-who are you?" "Charlie McReddin." "Oh, Charlie McReddin." "Daddy, you found him?" "Yeah." " What are you guys doing?" " We're playing hide-and-seek." "He's great at it." "I'm the best at hide-and-seek." "Oh." "Come on, Charlie, let's go." "Is everything all right?" "I thought I heard Ellie scream." "No, that was me." "Whoa." "Well, you didn't see what I saw." "Children of the Corn is hiding inside of our cabinet over here." "What?" "He's Ellie's friend." "In fact, I think he might be her boyfriend." "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no." "It's too soon for that." "What?" "First, it's hide-and-seek, and then that turns into doctor, which leads to seven minutes in the closet." "You mean seven minutes in heaven?" "I never got to heaven." "Oh, I totally did." "That's what I'm talking about, and then before you know it, it's gonna be her junior high graduation and she's gonna be wearing a Baby Bjorn." "What?" "Now, can you tell me how to fix the TV?" "Really?" "You're really thinking about it?" "Yes." "Are you really gonna sell the apartment?" "I wasn't thinking about selling it, but Jenny found me a buyer, so I have to consider it." "Does he know about Dirty Randy and the jizz-fest porno?" "Do you think I have to disclose that?" "Yeah, it's a law." "It's called jizz-closure." "There's no jizz-closure." "If you don't jizz-close, you can get into a lot of legal trouble." "Look at this guy." "Hey!" "You-You're blocking me in." "Excuse me?" "Hello?" "Sorry, hi." "Your car is just a little close." "Easy, chemo, I just got it waxed." "Gina?" "Gina Gibiatti?" "It's Andre Nozick from North Winnetka High." "Yeah, no, I know who you are, dildo, but if you touch my car," "I'll mace you." "Hey, Gina, it's me." "It's Pete Eckhart." "Yeah." "Good to see you." "Yeah." "You look great." "Yeah, I know." "All right, uh, well, it's been so long since I've seen you." "I heard you moved to Palm Beach." "Stalk much?" "Yeah, I'm back." "Just got a divorce, left that tool." "Later, losers." "Gina Gibiatti." "So hot." "So mean." "How did Frank and her come from the same parents?" "Out of all the Gibiattis, she should be the one called "The Body."" "Yeah, and if you need further proof, her gynecologist married her." "That guy stares at vagina all day long, and he chose that one." "Because it's the best." "Yeah, but she divorced him, and now she is on the waiver wire, so who's gonna try to pick her up?" "No way, man." "That's like picking up Terrell Owens, too volatile." "I've been thinking about it a little bit." "No." "She made you cry in high school, Pete." "That's true." "You were a senior, she was a freshman, you asked her privately to the prom, she brought you into the cafeteria, publicly said no in front of everyone, and then you cried." "Yeah, she destroyed me." "I get it." "And now you want to date her?" "No, I despise her, but I'm also extremely attracted to her." "So there's hate, and there's sex." "Oh, you want to hate-her." "You got it." "You see, I woo her, I wine her and dine her, we have sex, she's thinking it might be a good thing, and then I'm like, bam, "No, you're done."" "You're crying now." ""No prom for you." "Good-bye."" "I don't think you're capable of it, but I completely support you in doing it." "Good, 'cause I'm gonna need your help, all of you." "I'll help you out." "If you're having sex with her, you get tired, just tag me in." "I'll finish her off." "That is not what I'm talking about." "While Pete is attempting to have delusional revenge-sex with a woman he despises, I will be making love to my wife with the end goal of having an anchor baby." "Well, hopefully it's a girl and Chalupa Batman can get his dinged-up little donger wet." "I don't want to think about my children having sex, especially since Ellie now has a boyfriend." "Oh." "Really?" "This little kid named Charlie who's always hanging around the house." "You're gonna have to have the sex talk with her." "I don't want to have the sex talk with my daughter." "She's eight." "All you have to do is talk to kids on their level." "Like Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy." "Yes, they're boyfriend and girlfriend, but sometimes Kermit wants to put his little frog penis into her pig vagina." "Oh, my God." "Wow." "Don't say pig vagina!" "Why?" "It's important to use the anatomical term." "Hey." "Hi, Mr. MacArthur." "Oh!" "Daddy!" "I said no more hide-and-seek." "Oh, come on, Daddy, just one more round, please?" "Fine, one more round, and then that's it, okay?" "Thank you, Daddy." "Hey, Kev?" "Yeah?" "Andre's dying to talk to you." "Hey, Andre." "Hey, pound it out." "I will not." "Okay." "What's up?" "I just wanted to say thank you to you both." "Jenny found a buyer for my loft." "Oh." "That is my job." "I want to do something amazing for you." "I want to give you guys a gift." "Oh." "I want to take us out to dinner." "With you?" "Yeah." "That's the gift?" "Yeah." "You don't have to do that, Andre, really." "No, I want to do that." "I can't wait to amuse this bouche with vou." "Dinner with Andre's not a gift." "No Andre talk." "Losing blood flow." "Oh, my God, that feels good." "Oh, don't stop." "Oh, God, yeah." "No, no, this side." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah!" "Get out!" "In!" "No, stay out." "Charlie?" "Charlie, why were you hiding in our bedroom?" "Because Ellie would never find me in there." "That's right, she wouldn't find you in there." "That's why we need you to forget about everything you saw up there." "What did I see?" "You saw magic." "You saw magic and a real man..." "You know what, you saw nothing." "Okay, we're good?" "What's in it for me?" "What is this, a shakedown, kid?" "What could you possibly want?" "You're eight years old." "I want to be able to hang out here with Ellie." "Why?" "She's my girlfriend." "No way." "So then I'll just tell Ellie what I saw?" "Oh, you're good." "Real good, Charlie." "And you have to help me with my science project." "My God, you're like a young Tony Soprano." "Fine, I'll help you with your science project, but full disclosure, I almost failed chemistry, so it's on you." "Mr. Ruxin, we ran a complete physical." "Uh, unfortunately, your sperm count is exceedingly low." "What?" "If I wasn't a doctor, I'd say frighteningly low." "But you are a doctor." "Right, so I'm not gonna say that." "You realize that's, like, the worst thing you can tell a man?" "Mr. Ruxin, you have AIDS." "What?" "You see how that's much worse?" "Do I have AIDS?" "You do not have AIDS." "Okay, you have terrible bedside manner." "Yes, I do." "Okay, so how could I have a low sperm count?" "There could be some contributing factors, diet?" "I got a good diet." "How about stress?" "Yeah, stress is real." "Yeah, I'm the commissioner of my fantasy football league." "You've brought that up several times." "Have you been working with a computer on your lap for an abnormal period of time?" "Computer on my lap?" "Hmm..." "The score's not updating fast enough." "Kevin, let me see your computer." "Give it up." "Now I'm cooking with fire." "Oh!" "I'm still down by one." "I need one more of..." "Ooh, ow, hot, hot, hot." "Nope." "I did notice the tops of your thighs are completely free of hair as though they had been singed off." "Doctor, I don't understand why you think I would lie to you." "I don't know why you would lie to me." "You seem to do it almost on instinct." "Yeah... that is my knee-jerk reaction is to lie." "I'm just more comfortable swimming in those waters." "What do you hope to gain from all this lying?" "I guess just like when I walk out that door, you're, like," ""Wow, that guy seems pretty cool."" "I don't think, "There goes someone pretty cool."" "I think, "There goes someone with high cholesterol and a fertility problem."" "Okay, you go." "Here's the plan." "When she leaves her apartment, these homeless guys are gonna come up to her, and instead of asking her for change, they're gonna ask her to accept this rose." "Then you're gonna come in and ask her out on a date." "I don't know... you sure this is gonna work?" "All women love The Bachelor." "This is like having a bunch of homeless Chris Harrisons." "Trust me." "How do you always find the hole, Andre?" "Practice." "Okay, we're on." "Excuse me, ma'am?" "Could you spare a smile?" "Gross." "Get away from me." "Ooh, shit." "You people are everywhere." "Get a job." "Three, go, go, go." "Sir, he's stealing your cart!" "He's stealing your cart!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Was that your decoy so you could jack my stuff?" "No, no, no, no." "You work for the government?" "No, I don't even take insurance." "Put that down." "That's from my dad." "Jerk, you little D-hole!" "You don't steal a man's stuff." "Oh, my God." "Ooh, I'm so..." "Gina!" "Hey, how are you?" "Check it out... there's a bum fight." "Oh, my God, I love this shit." "Oh, God, your breath." "My breath... you're no prize yourself, Sparky." "Don't you just love bum fights?" "Yeah, of course I love..." "Who doesn't love a good bum fight?" "How's that feel?" "Who do you think's gonna win?" "Who do you have?" "Uh, I think the big guy's gonna make the little one his bitch." "I got you now, fish." "You totally called that, Gina." "You won the bet... you want a coffee or something?" "Uh... yeah, sure." "Come on, let's go." "Thank you, Andre." "No, no, help me." "Pete!" "Oh, what's this?" "A rose, my lady?" "Gross." "Okay, so we'll take pieces of leaves and maybe some onions, and we'll put them in a slide, underneath the microscope, and we'll magnify it like ten times." "Who knows... maybe we'll even do a hundred times." "What were you guys doing up in that bedroom?" "Was it sex?" "Why were you on top?" "Oh, all right." "I got to get more onions, just... oh." "We're on a deadline here." "Brain boner." "Oh, hey, Ellie." "Nice haircut." "I'm Charlie." "Don't talk back to me." "I'm an adult." "Oh, cool..." "let me know when you're done with this." "This will make an awesome guest bong." "Can I ask you about sex?" "Sure, buddy." "How old are you?" "Eight." "Hmm... do you own a waterbed?" "No." "How many women have you had sex with?" "None." "What?" "Wow, you're way behind." "I'll introduce you to my friend Andre's sister." "What I want to do here is find the perfect dining experience." "Andre, we have been sitting here for a half an hour." "If you want to give me a gift, just pick one." "Well, right here is one of my favorite restaurants." "It's called Rivera." "Great... sounds fantastic." "Let's do that." "You didn't even hear what the options are." "I just love the name of it, Rivera... sounds great." "Rivera is haute cuisine, and what I need you to do is help me make a reservation because Markie the hostess is kind of irritated with me right now." "Now I need a table for three at 8:15." "I also want to make sure that the bathroom is nowhere near where the table is, so make..." "If you keep giving at this rate, honestly, Andre, I'm going to be peeling onions for my own dinner." "You're gonna want to." "Hey, guys." "Hey." "Thank God." "Big time Gina date coming up, okay?" "My first idea was maybe I'll commission, like, a cool piece of graffiti for her, but then I remembered she just basically hates poor people so that's out." "She sounds like a real keeper." "No, she's the worst, but I have to be at my best so I can truly impress her." "You like her, don't you?" "No, I hate her..." "I'm just focused on the hate date." "I don't know, Pete." "What about those flowers you got her?" "Yeah, they were hate flowers." "And the poem you wrote?" "Hate poem." "Beware... beware and do not fall for her." "And I'll see you at dinner." "Okay, bye-bye." "Bye." "Jenny, as a woman, what would be the ultimate date for you?" "Have you been to Rivera?" "Why are we here, Taco?" "You know I hate Chinatown." "This place has something that's gonna help you with your sperm count, my friend." "We gonna chug a punch of three penis wine?" "No, three penis wine builds the theater, but it doesn't fill the seats." "If you want real results, you need to go straight to the source." "And what's that?" "It's off the menu." "This is one of only four restaurants in Chicago that serves animal D and B." "And what's D and B?" "Dick and Balls." "Oh, dear God." "Mmm, yummy." "Delicious male organs." "Horse, donkey." "Mmm." "Is this legal?" "Mmm, some parts of China." "What's in there?" "The pee-pee platter." "Six kinds of penis, four kinds of testicles." "That's a spicy meatballs." "Just think of it as a genital jambalaya." "Can't I just take some sort of pill for this?" "Ruxin, you can lead a horse to the horse cock, but you can't make him eat it." "That is not a Chinese proverb." "That's what it said on my fortune scrotum." "So, what do I use, like, a chopstick or spork?" "This isn't charm school." "Grab a hold of that cock and shove it down your throat." "Does eating this animal dick make me gay?" "It's animal dick... at the very worst, it's bestiality." "Yeah, put it in your mouth." "Mm-hmm, there it goes." "Slip it in." "Put the dick in your mouth." "Just the tip... mmm." "Dear God." "Mmm." "This tastes like dick." "Aw, man... this place does penis right." "Yummy, huh?" "Ah, think I just clipped a vein." "All right, let's split this guy." "All right, give me your plate." "Welcome to a culinary experience like no other." "I'd like to propose a toast." "Oh, God." "Tonight, we're going on a journey, and when we go on that journey, we must board a ship." "A friendship." "I'd like to jump overboard." "I'm saving you and pulling you back." "Tonight, we board a friendship." "Cheers." "And I hope that..." "Okay, okay, let me get in there." "Can we just do it... can you just do it again so I can get in there?" "So tonight we board a friendship and..." "Cheers." "You guys are so quick." "Okay, I'm just gonna leave my glass here and then you guys can toast... me?" "Actually, you're not supposed to drink that wine... it's a sniffing wine." "You don't sniff wine;" "You sniff glue, Andre." "No, you don't drink it." "Hey, guys, sorry we're late." "There you are." "No, no, no, this is a private gift that I'm giving to Kevin and Jenny." "And gifts are meant to be shared." "With you guys, not with everybody." "Andre, are you being rude to our guest..." "oh, would you like a glass of wine?" "It's for sniffing, but you can drink it." "Mmm, smells really cheap." "You guys all remember Gina, of course." "Gina, hey..." "Kevin." "Hi." "Hey, how are..." "No, we went to high school together." "Right." "This is, uh, my wife Jenny." "Hi." "Hi... did you go to our high school as well?" "No, I didn't." "Oh, you look like one of those girls that went to our high school." "Thank you." "Andre!" "Hey!" "Hello." "That homeless guy was all over your shit, you guys." "It was so hot." "Did you get his number?" "What?" "I didn't get his number, no." "Did he deny you?" "No, I gave him money, and it was fine, okay?" "You paid for homeless man sex?" "No, no, no!" "And he still said no." "Another glass of the vermentino." "Oh, thank you very much." "Thank you." "And this is the deconstructed chile relleno imported from Barcelona, in a gentle shower of pecorino-romano." "You know you're just a waiter, right?" "Excuse me?" "You don't need to tell us where our food's from, right?" "I mean, we want to eat it, not hang it on a wall." "Don't talk to us like you're a professor at Hogwarts, okay?" "Well, technically, Hogwarts is like a school for magic." "And this is..." "Okay, go tell it to your homeless boyfriend, Andre." "The lady would like a cosmo, please." "And what kind of vodka would the lady prefer?" "The kind that doesn't have your bullshit in it." "I'm so sorry." "Okay, so nice to be with everybody all dressed up and looking great." "Gina, you look absolutely stunning tonight." "Thank you." "Yeah." "Although, it's not really a compliment coming from you because you look like you were in the jerk-off stand at a Romanian sex circus." "Fives, bitch." "And here's to Gina, guys." "I like you, Gina." "Oh, everybody toast." "We'll have a toast." "Come on in." "I got a bunch of animal crank running around my stomach right now, so what exactly is the plan?" "All right, well, the animal DNB should be working instantly, so we're gonna test out how your guys are swimming." "Where?" "In my lab." "You talking about Kevin's garage?" "I got a professional entry-level children's microscope right here." "All I need is for you to rub one out on this slide." "This slide, you want me to jerk off onto this slide?" "Yep." "Oh, sorry." "What are you doing?" "!" "I need some privacy." "Well, if you want me to go get something that'll help you out with the whole process..." "Uh, yeah, okay." "First, I want to start with the pool scene from Wild Things." "Okay." "Or that grape-stomping video where the woman falls and gets the wind knocked out of her." "She's, like,." "I love that video." "If you don't have that, then, like, an Abercrombie catalog, 2002." "Kevin must have one of those hidden away somewhere." "Okay." "I'm gonna go put these cock-and-ball leftovers in the fridge." "Have fun." "All right." "Hey, hit the lights on the way out?" "Yes." "It's the only way I can do it." "Enjoy pleasuring yourself." "All right." "Well, we've done this in worse places, haven't we, little Rodney?" "Wasn't one of you guys in the band?" "Andre was in the sub band, the Magic Club." "That's right!" "It was a whole club for magic?" "No, no, it was just him by himself." "He met once a week." "The picture in the yearbook must have been amazing." "Can we actually get the check, please?" "No, no, no." "I would hate for this date to end." "We've been having so much fun, right?" "Quick question for you." "Have you had the distinct pleasure of experiencing." "Andre's podcast?" "What?" "Please..." "No, no, that's mine." "This is, this is something that I think you in particular would really enjoy." "This is one of my favorite episodes of what Andre calls." "Witchy Woman." "What?" "It combines my love of Don Henley and magic..." "Here he goes." "Welcome to another edition of Witchy Woman." "In a top hat!" "It's glorious." "Magic... it can be interesting or illuminating, erotic or entertaining." "Whoops." "This is shit." "I mean, this is the worst shit I've ever seen." "I told my Web guy not to upload that one." "That's another episode of Witchy Woman." "You want to see some magic?" "Get ready." "Come on." "You never know when it might disappear." "Oh!" "He's gone." "No, he's still there!" "He's still there!" "Oh, but he's going, he's going, and now he's gone!" "What happened to David Lame?" "I just appreciate you didn't call me David Cockerfield." "And this is Andre's podcast, everybody." "Let's get out of here." "Andre, thank you so much." "I could not have done this without you." "All right, let's hit it." "Good night, guys." "Good night." "Have a lovely evening." "Such a great gift." "I mean, really." "Cheers." "Cheers." "Look at these projects." "They're really good." "Did you guys know that a lemon can be a battery?" "Huh." "I knew it could be a weapon." "You guys can keep your lemons." "Charlie's project is fantastic." "Can I ask why you are so invested in Charlie's project today?" "Well, if he's gonna be Ellie's boyfriend, then I want to take an interest in him." "That's really sweet, babe." "Not as sweet as those meatballs and sausage you left in the fridge." "They were delicious." "I ate, like, all of them." "Oh, those weren't meatballs." "Those were, uh..." "Hello, MacArthurs!" "Lindsay!" "Wow!" "Hi!" "It's great to see you." "Great to see you, too." "Yeah." "Are you Ellie's teacher this...?" "Oh, God, no." "I'm running the science fair." "Well, you know, she still speaks incredibly highly of you." "And how many four-letter words is she using when she does it?" "So, Ellie, why don't you show me what you've done?" "My project is "What's in Your Landfill?"" "What is in your landfill?" "This stuff, apparently." "Oh, we've got beer bottles, cigarettes." "Is that a condom?" "That's mine." "It belongs there." "It's used." "I don't know, Ellie." "It looks like you just took a bunch of trash and then put some dirt on top of it." "You think this is crap?" "Did you see these other projects?" "Oh, my God." "Okay." "I see a lot has changed." "Have a wonderful day." "This is what we prepared for, so lock it in!" "Okay, let's see what we have here." "I have 20 slides prepared." "Very impressive." "Thank you." "Kevin, what are you doing helping Charlie McReddin?" "Charlie is Ellie's boyfriend, so..." "Oh, I see." "Well, why don't you show me the first slide?" "They're onion skins." "Onion skins." "Mm-hmm." "Excuse me." "Is that what I think it is?" "Oh, that's semen." "Taco!" "It's not mine." "It's a friend of ours." "Not the friend whose penis you broke with your..." "Okay, you are disgusting people, and you should not be around children." "Charlie, this was very inappropriate to bring to school." "You need to speak to the principal." "But it wasn't my fault." "Disappointing, McReddin." "Not bad, huh?" "Stop talking." "Those boys are swimming now." "Please tell me you didn't make that here." "I saw you guys having sex." "What?" "What?" "!" "What?" "!" "No!" "And he saw me watching." "Really?" "!" "It looked boring." "It didn't seem like you guys were having a good time." "Excuse me?" "It was Missionary Wednesdays." "No one's ever satisfied." "Well, you didn't stay till the end." "Oh, did one of you finish?" "Usually, it just kind of tatters off." "Hey, Kevin, guess what." "Mission accomplished." "No, no, no, I haven't told her off just yet." "As soon as she comes in, bam!" "I'm shutting it down!" "No prom for you!" "Pete wins!" "Hey, Pete?" "I gotta go." "Hey." "I made us coffee." "Cool." "So, I had a great time last night." "Yeah, last night was fun." "So, do you want to go out again?" "Really?" "Well..." "I'd love to." "Mmm, yeah!" "Oh, Gibiatti!"