"All right, Kent." "Go, Hayley." "Seven minutes." "Go get them, cowboy." "See you in seven minutes." "Stu, run it by me again." "Kissing is first base, second base is boob, third base is...?" "Finger." "Finger?" "Or thumb." "Okay." "Charlie, trust me." "Second base is what it's all about." "I'm all about the boobies." "Okay." "Anything else?" "An intentional walk is a kiss on the cheek and an inside-park home run is a blow job." "What's a blow job?" "I have no idea." "I overheard my dad saying he gets one once a year on his birthday so it must be good." "Yeah!" "You." "Me." "Closet." "Seven minutes." "Heaven." "So gross." "Sorry, Jennifer." "Stop." "Don't touch me." "Stand on that side of the closet and I'll say we kissed." "I will if you say we did the nasty." "No!" "I'll say we kissed." "Say I touched your boobies." "No!" "I'll say we kissed." "Okay." "I kissed your boobies." "Anisha." "Anisha." "Stop staring." "You're freaking me out." "I'm looking at you because I like you, Charlie." "It's okay." "Come on, you can do what you want." "That's okay. I'm kind of new at this." "Let me see your penis." "What's the matter?" "Don't you want me?" "Oh, my God." "That's my boy." "He's probably blow-jobbing her." "Anisha!" "Oh, I can't breathe!" "I love you, Charlie." "I've loved you since the third grade." "Thank you." "So you like to play hard to get." "Back off!" "l read in my mom's Cosmo this is supposed to increase pleasure." "Don't worry, this is my first time too." "First time what?" "Killing?" "No, Charlie." "Making love." "Get off me, you freak!" "Charlie Logan, you are not my boyfriend anymore." "l hex you." "You what?" "I hex you." "You will never be happy." "Around you love'll fall like rain" "But you won't hold it Your heart will pain" "Once the girl has been with you To the next she will be true" "Was that Phil Collins?" "What happened?" "Did you thumb her?" "Charlie, we could get arrested for public indecency." "I like the way you think." "Okay." "All right." "Oh, my G" " Oh, my God, Carol." "I love you." "I love you." "Thank you." "l love you, Charlie." "Oh, that's nice." ""That's nice"?" "I'm licking the sand off your balls and you say "That's nice"?" "No, I said "oh, my God" to that." "I said, "oh, my God" very enthusiastically about the ball lick." "Hey, listen, I'm sorry." "I just don't think the L word should be thrown around casually." ""The L word"?" "What are you, 8?" "How about the F word and the U word?" "I can't believe it." "I can't believe you and Carol went belly up." "She was so into you." "Yeah." "Well, she was a noisy eater." "It's that word, Stu. "Love."" "I wanted to say it but I just-- I couldn't." "How can I say something if I don't feel it?" "Easy, lie." "What do you think all relationships are based on, man?" "Lies." ""No, honey, your ass looks great in those jeans."" ""Honey, I love your parents."" ""You're kidding me." "That sore?" "That's not herpes."" "Know what I'm saying?" "So then who you taking to Katie's wedding?" "I don't know." "You wanna go?" "Do bridesmaids give head in the coatroom?" "Of course I wanna go." "You know how easy it is to score at a wedding?" "Have you ever scored at a wedding?" "I'm pacing myself." "It must be weird." "You were dating Katie six months ago..." "...and now she's marrying a doctor." "l'm a doctor." "He's a heart surgeon, you're a dentist." "That's like saying General Patton and Colonel Mustard are both military men." "Hi, Dr. Stu." "Natalie." "I jerk off to her mammograms." "God, I love my job." "Every day is like Christmas." "Who are you working over today?" "Dr. Charlie." "You're five minutes late." "You've got four fillings, three cleanings, two crowns and a canal." "You've got too many patients." "And I've got too little patience for you to be gabbing gossip with Dr. Boob Jobs in the hallway." "How are you today, Reba?" "Were you just looking at my tits?" "Because I am more than happy with what the Lord Almighty gave me." "I wasn't looking at" "Come on, Dr. Charlie." "Okay, you're my wingman." "If the blond asks, I'm the billionaire who invented string cheese." "If it's that redhead, tell her I wrote "We Are the World."" "If it's that cheerleader hottie there my penis is in the Guinness Book of World Records." "Girth not length. I want it to sound believable." "Holy shit." "Activate pelvis." "Yo, yo, yo." "Hold on to your pantyhose." "The hostess with the "mostest" has got a "toastess."" "I just wanna thank everybody for coming to share this day with us." "I couldn't imagine being any happier than I am right now." "Wait till tonight, sweetheart." "I know it's a little unorthodox, but I'd also like to propose a toast." "To Charlie Logan." "Thank you, Charlie, for being my lucky charm." "To Charlie." "To Charlie." "So you're that Charlie?" "What Charlie?" "You know, Charlie the-- The dentist." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Are you okay?" "That's horrible." "l'm all right." "l didn't-- l didn't mean to." "Sorry about that." "Oh, jeez." "Here you go." "Thanks." "Sure." "Oh, there I am." "All right." "Join us." "So, what'd I miss?" "Not much." "Same old. "l do," "l do." "You may kiss the bride."" "White cake with raspberry filling and the doves being released." "But the doves refuse to leave." "I'm Cam." "I went to college with the bride." "l'm Charlie. I used to date the bride." "Me too." "Well, no." "It was a one-time-only experimental thing, sophomore year." "We were young." "And drunk." "Is this person being dipped in acid?" "Waiter, could we have some chloroform for the singer?" "What are you gonna sing?" "I'm thinking of doing Bon Jovi "Livin' on a Prayer."" "That's the one I was gonna do." "Oh, really?" "No." "So, Cam, what do you do?" "I run the penguin habitat at Aqua World." "Seriously, what do you do?" "Seriously?" "Yeah." "I'm a serial killer." "My passion is killing people I meet at weddings." "What do you do?" "fbi." "You're under arrest." "Your run is over, Miss "Wexler." If that's your real name." "Actually, I am a dentist." "You're a dentist?" "You'll love me." "Perfect teeth." "No cavities." "Wanna see?" "Hot wax!" "Hot wax!" "l'm sorry!" "lt's hot!" "Water!" "Oh, no. I'm sorry." "I'll just try to get in there and" "That's hard." "l'm sorry." "Wait, wait, let me see." "Thanks." "It looks like come." "That looks like come." "Well, here I am." "What are your other two wishes?" "Stu, Cam." "Cam, Stu." "Hi." "Hi." "It's actually Dr. Stu." "I'm a reconstructive surgeon." "If anyone has an accident or is born with a deformity, I'm there to help." "And by "deformity," he means small breasts." "He's just jealous because he has to clean plaque all day long while I'm making the world a better place." "Cam." "You will not believe this doofus that just tried to pick me up" "Hi." "Hi." "Again." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I gotta go." "Nice to meet you." "Tits and teeth." "I don't think she was into me." "Hey, ladies...." "Hey, you." "Hey." "You look great." "Thank you." "So do you." "So how are you and Carol doing?" "We're" "We're just giving each other a little space right now." "I worry about you sometimes, Chuck." "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride." "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." "I'll buy that when you can honestly tell me that you have loved." "Touché." "I just wanna see you happy, Chuckles." "Attention, hot mamas." "Could we have all the single ladies out on the terrace..." "...for the tossing of the bouquet?" "See you." "Ready, ladies?" "One..." "...two..." "Right here." "...three!" "Good morning, Reba." "Good morning, Dr. Logan." "Good morning, doctor." "I think I have a cavity." "Me too." "Then he said that that's it." "Hey, Sharon." "Is Stu in?" "Hi." "Sharon?" "Oh, Dr. Logan." "Can you come back here for a second, please?" "I'm sorry." "Wait, wait, wait." "We need you." "Dr. Logan." "This is Pleasure." "Nice to meet you." "The pleasure's all mine." "Get it?" "The pleasure's all mine." "My name is Pleasure." "That is enormously clever." "We need a second opinion." "What do you think?" "Are they even?" "You knew they were even." "Of course, I did them." "I wanted you to see without having to pay." "How did you get a license to practice medicine?" "You need a license?" "Listen, have you noticed anything different about me?" "Other than your aversion to fantastic, gigantic titties?" "Women seem to be coming on to me in an unusual manner." "Really?" "Oh, my God." "That's crazy." "Charlie." "Stuart." "Carol." "Are these back in season again?" "You're getting married." "What can I say?" "I guess you are a lucky charm." "You have 14 new messages." "Message one." "Hey, Charlie." "My name's Nicole Adams." "You don't know me, but I got your number from Amy in Radiology." "I was wondering if we could meet up for drinks one of these nights." "Hi, Charlie." "My name's Julia." "I normally don't do this, but I'm desperate." "Could you--?" "I'm not sure how you choose your dates, but I'm 5'10", blond" "Hello, Charlie." "My name is Daisy." "I'm actually in town" "Hi, my name is Bob." "No, it's not a wrong number." "Hear me out." "Hi." "This is Cindy." "I'm a friend of Katie's." "Hey, my name's Colleen." "Hey there." "We met at the gym." "StairMaster buddies." "Eat up, Shadow." "Last chance before bedtime." "Good boy." "Grumpy, don't be a pig." "Don't be a pig." "That's Jester's." "There you go." "Good boy." "Here, Dougie." "Gobble it up." "Come here, Tina." "Grumpy, you're such a pig." "Joe, hurry up." "I wanna go home." "Did you get lost back there?" "Sorry." "Just taking five hits from my bong." "If they catch you with weed, you'll get fired." "They don't care that you're my brother." "Oh, take a chill-lax-ative." "How is anybody gonna know?" "Because you smell like you've been bathing in bong water." "Sweet." "And what's that in your pocket?" "I was looking for this." "Three months." "Hey, Skully." "Joe!" "Joe, I'm slipping." "And you think I look wasted." "Grumpy, no!" "You okay?" "I think I chipped a tooth." "It's great to meet you." "Let me get that for you." "Sure." "Thank you." "All right?" "Yeah." "All right." "Are you ready?" "Yeah, let's go." "Don't you want to...?" "What?" "l don't know, have dinner first?" "ls that how this works?" "How what works?" "The thing." "The thing." "The magic." "The charm." "What the hell are you talking about?" "A charm." "You have sex with someone they find their true love." "Isn't that how it works?" "Has everybody lost their minds?" "That's ridiculous." "That's absurd." "Do you want top or bottom?" "Put that back in your secret booby place." "That's...." "No." "I don't wanna take advantage of you." "Look, don't take this so seriously." "I'm certainly not." "I'm doing this on a lark." "And you won't be taking advantage of me." "Do you know how many loser boyfriends I have had?" "Do you know how many times I have given myself, body, mind, soul hoping that this was it, this was the one only to find out he was just another asshole?" "Look, if there's a chance I mean, even a .0001 percent chance that you are the key...." "That being with you could open the door to something better well, I think I'd be taking advantage of you." "Do you wanna have sex before or after dinner?" "Actually, I have dinner plans." "I gotta get that." "It's my emergency line." "Oh, emergency line." "That's sexy." "Dr." "Logan speaking." "Hey." "It's Cam Wexler." "Remember, from the wedding?" "The serial killer?" "Yeah." "Yeah, hi." "I'm sorry to bother you but I have a bit of a dental emergency." "You don't have to make up stories." "If you wanna see me, ask." "No, seriously." "I chipped a tooth." "It's Saturday night and I don't know who else to call." "Oh, you chipped a tooth?" "How?" "I slipped while having a fish fight, slid down an ice ramp got tackled by a penguin and fell face first into a fake ice boulder." "This is very common." "Do you know where my office is?" "Yeah." "I-- l got your card right here." "I can be there in 20 minutes." "Twenty minutes." "I'm leaving now." "Okay." "Okay, all fixed." "Does that hurt?" "Describe the penguin that attacked you." "Very funny." "You can rinse." "So, what really happened?" "You get caught in the middle of some North Pole-South Pole gang war?" "There are no penguins in the North Pole." "That's polar bears." "You are a penguin freak, aren't you?" "Oh, you have no idea." "Obsessed is putting it mildly." "I believe you." "What's that?" "I travel to Guatemala every year to help some of the poorer villages." "That's so sweet." "I'm sorry." "Oh, no!" "They went in." "They're in there." "What is?" "The things." "Here." "l'm sorry." "This is bad." "No, no, no." "You're hurt." "I'm so sorry." "lt's okay." "I should've worn the lead vest." "This always happens to me." "Are you okay?" "Yes." "Yeah, I'm fine." "You sure?" "l feel good." "Man. I hope you'll let me buy you a new shirt." "No." "No, really, it's-- lt's good." "But I hope you'll let me take you out to dinner." "Sometime." "Trust me, you could do far more damage with a steak knife." "I'm sorry." "I can't." "How much do I owe you for the tooth?" "So wait a second." "So you will draw first blood but you won't make it up to me?" "Please." "How much?" "No." "Your money's no good here." "You sure?" "l will not accept that." "Really?" "Thank you." "Yes." "l'm sorry." "No." "Thank you." "See you in six months for a routine stabbing." "Bye." "Bye." "You change your mind?" "My car won't start." "Sure it won't." "No, really." "I left my lights on." "Fine, I'm pushing the car." "Oh, no, no, no." "Wait." "I wanna jump you." "Now?" "Not now." "Wait till I get this in here." "Now?" "You okay?" "Yeah." "Let's...." "l'm so sorry." "No, no." "It's fine." "It's good." "It cauterized my wounds." "Thank you." "Thank you for fixing my tooth and jumping my car." "Don't mention it." "And thank you for taking me home to get my spare set of keys." "I have a feeling this kind of thing happens to you often." "My brother calls me Murphy." "Murphy?" "You know, like Murphy's Law." "Anything that can go wrong, will." "Details." "Check out the thumb." "Holy crap." "What, did you get pissed off at a stamp?" "How many bones have you broken?" "Twelve." "Twelve bones?" "I'm warning you, keep a safe distance." "Come on." "I can't believe it's really that bad." "ls this the heat?" "No." "Convertible top." "Keep the meter running." "Of course." "Oh, shit!" "Shit, shit, shit!" "Pardon my French." "I speak a little French and that sounded like "shit."" "I left my house key on the car ring in the car" " Know what?" "It doesn't matter." "Got it." "Sorry." "You all right?" "Yeah." "l hope these are the right keys." "Yeah." "Thank you." "I'm sorry about the top and the nerve damage in the back and the whole electrocution thing, and" "I'd still like to pay for the tooth." "I told you, buy me dinner." "Lunch." "Vending machine." "Drinks." "Water." "I'm easy." "I'm just not emotionally available at this time." "I'm okay with that." "I'm looking for more of a physical relationship anyway." "So I've heard." "That was" " I was kidding." "That was a joke." "That was a stupid joke." "Okay. I get it." "So no way, then." "I'm sorry." "Good night, Dr. Logan." "Thank you." "I" "Yeah." "Hi, Dr. Charlie." "Reba." "What the hell are you doing here?" "I didn't mean to scare you." "I used the key you left me in case of emergencies." "What's the emergency?" "I know about the charm." "Not you too." "lt's an Internet dating site." "Yeah, I know what it is." "This is out of control." "These stories are just coincidence." "That's what I thought. ...and nobody's disproved it." "I'll see you at work on Monday." "Good night." "Dr. Logan, you've always been there for me." "When you need a day off, yes." "When you need a lift home from work, yes." "When Reggie died four years ago, you sent that beautiful card." "You remember what you wrote?" ""If there's anything I can do, please let me know."" "Yeah, but" "Well, I'm letting you know." "That's not what I had in mind." "These panties are edible." "But I'd avoid the tush area, as I've been sitting for about three hours." "Reba, I'm not the guy for you." "I'm not saying you are, but the next guy might be." "Dr. Charlie, if we're together, I know I'll find my soul mate." "That's" " That's ridiculous." "No." "No, Reba." "Don't cry." "It's okay." "Come on, Dr. Charlie." "You gotta give it to me." "Please, Dr. Charlie." "Reba!" "l can't do this." "Don't worry." "I'll do everything." "Please?" "Just close your eyes and imagine somebody beautiful." "I'll imagine you." "No one but you." "Reba?" "!" "You slept with Reba?" "Shut up." "You shut up." "What the hell's the matter with you?" "You have the power to turn any hot chick out there any hot chick, into a knob-gobbling, lance-waxing flesh monger and you're out there plowing the back 40 with Reba." "You don't know because you weren't there." "Thank God I wasn't there. lt's disgusting." "It's revolting." "You're nasty." "How was she?" "Dude, check it." "You see, that is the kind of tail you should be chasing." "I'd suck a fart out of her ass and hold it like a bong hit." "Just:" "Nice stop, kid." "Way to be." "Dude, these chicks, they think that you're like a lucky charm." "I mean, you poke the poon she marries the next guy she dates after you." "That's not true." "Who cares if it's true?" "Wake up, man." "You got it made." "What is it that all women want?" "To get married." "Raise crib midgets." "And apparently, buddy, you got the ticket to the big show." "Do you know what this means?" "Trim." "You're gonna be seeing trim like Tommy Lee." "Like Colin Farrell." "Like Ellen DeGeneres." "Just:" "Have you considered the reason you haven't been laid has something to do with your use of the word "trim"?" "Yeah!" "Seven days a week, 56 weeks a year, trim!" "That's my bad." "Where's your manners, shithead?" "What did you just say to me?" "Little help here, honey?" "Look, you and I are different, okay?" "Besides the fact that I'm not retarded, I don't want to take advantage." "Dude." "Yeah?" "Was Martin Luther King, Jr." "taking advantage when he said that thing in that place?" "I don't think so." "Was Gandhi taking advantage when he was doing his thing?" "No." "Don't tell me that Gandhi didn't score some sweet-ass Native American trim." "Gandhi was Indian." "They don't like to be called that." "Dude, I thought you wanted to feel love." "I do." "So stop dipping your foot in the pool and dive the fuck in." "And think about this, man." "You'll be providing a much-needed public service." "You'll be helping women find love." "Don't bitch to me you haven't found Miss Right if you got women lining up, and you're turning your back on them." "Nice." "I guess." "If I did it for the right reasons." "Whatever helps you sleep at night, biz-natch." "Did you see it?" "No, no, no." "Don't take off my top." "Is something wrong?" "They're for the baby." "You have a baby?" "No." "But I will someday." "That's really good." "Yeah." "Fuck me." "Fuck me harder." "Harder." "Harder." "Oh, yeah." "Fuck me!" "Fuck me!" "l'm fucking." "Fuck me, you cock-sucking, come-guzzling shithead!" "Split my pussy in two, you motherfucking asshole!" "Is something wrong?" "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "God!" "Oh, God." "Oh, Jesus Christ Almighty." "Jesus Christ." "Yeah." "God, my savior I shall adore thee from now until forevermore." "Amen." "Would you like to pray with me now?" "No." "Yeah, I don't do that with men." "Oh, yeah, that's it." "l know." "That's it." "That's definitely it." "That'll be my wedding dress." "What do you think?" "Megan, I swear I know you from someplace." "We went to high school together." "Megan." "What's your last name?" "Gillis." "Gillis." "I knew a Matthew Gillis." "God, you do look like him." "Is that your brother?" "Actually, that was me before the operation." "Thanks." "You're welcome." "This just isn't working for me." "Right." "You're just gonna give up boning all these women?" "These girls don't wanna be with me." "They wanna be with the next guy." "So what?" "The road to the next guy leads through you." "It's not that satisfying." "I'll tell you "not satisfying." Last night, I masturbated into a grapefruit." "I put it in a microwave, I heated it up a little bit, which helped, but still." "You know, I read somewhere that penguins like to eat their own shit." "You have 108 messages." "Messages deleted." "The female lays a single egg and rolls it onto the feet of the male." "The male stands and incubates the egg until it hatches about 65 days." "Having built up a thick layer of fat to sustain him through the long winter he never leaves the egg to hunt for food." "The female returns just before the chick hatches." "If you have any questions, please feel free to ask." "What are you doing here?" "Are you telling me the male penguin really lives off his own fat for 65 days while he's protecting the egg?" "The female could bring him a mackerel burger." "Seriously." "Why are you here?" "Look, I don't buy the whole "I'm not emotionally available" thing." "Are you dying?" "is that why you don't wanna get involved?" "You don't wanna hurt me when you die?" "No, I'm not dying." "I'm not dying either, so what is it, then?" "Am I not your type?" "Because I can take it if it's that." "I think you should go." "No." "I think I should stay because I paid $38 to see you today." "I'm not leaving till you pay me my money back." "ls this the dude?" "No." "Joe." "You been talking about me?" "Where's your shirt?" "Has she been talking about me?" "Yeah." "You're the dentist." "No." "l am the dude!" "No, I mentioned you in passing." "I said you were funny." "You said he was- l said you were charming and good-looking..." "...and you have a nice smile." "Oh, I would not go out with me either." "Excuse me, miss." "How come the mommy penguin doesn't bring back food for the daddy penguin?" "Because the daddy penguin doesn't need any food." "I have another question." "Why won't you go out with Charlie?" "She'd love to." "Joe!" "You're my brother." "Why are you taking his side?" "Because I know how long it's been sin" "Another word and I hide your stash." "Go put a shirt on." "Look, how about this?" "Why don't you eat and I'll just digest my own lard?" "Look, I just...." "I know three women you've gone out with." "And I'm just not into dating as a sport." "You said if anybody had questions-- -l'm not going out with you!" "That was the little girl's question." "I have a new one." "And mine is, what is that penguin, right there?" "That's a gentoo." "One of several species of penguin that is completely monogamous." "I hope that answers your question." "Oh, and penguins are unique in that mate selection is up to the female." "Much like our relationship." "Why do you wanna take me to dinner so badly?" "You look hungry." "Seriously." "Seriously?" "Yeah." "Because you remind me of these penguins." "Yes, they're kind of awkward and goofy yet in the water they're so beautiful." "Okay." "Okay, what?" "Okay, dinner." "Will you put that in writing?" "Don't push it." "But only as friends." "Because if you must know, there is someone else." "His name is Howard Blaine." "He is the foremost expert on penguins and I'm meeting him later this year at a conference." "l'm interested in him." "Well, I'm interested in choreographing a line dance that sweeps the nation." "But we both know that's never gonna happen." "One date as friends." "Fine." "Bye." "I'm okay." "Just" "Yeah." "l'm fine." "Bye." "So do sharks get cavities?" "No." "You have no idea." "l don't know." "We were gonna ask each other personal questions." "lsn't that the point of 100 Questions?" "ls that your question?" "No." "My question is why penguins?" "Why?" "Why teeth?" "Same as every other dentist." "Couldn't get into med school." "That's funny." "My parents didn't think so." "So really, why penguins?" "Couldn't get into shark school." "I don't know." "Lots of reasons." "For one, you can't help but smile when you see a penguin." "Yeah, plus they have that badass tuxedo embedded in their flesh." "I know, they're so cute." "I just love them so much." "I just love, love, love them." "I even go to Antarctica for research." "Oh, it's so beautiful there." "You know, they have once-a-year sunsets." "You haven't seen beauty until you've seen that." "I don't know about that." "And the penguin rituals are just fascinating." "Okay, now, by rituals do you mean like eating their own poop?" "No." "Like when a male is sweet on a female he searches the entire beach to find the perfect pebble to present to her." "When he finally finds it, he waddles over and presents the stone by placing it at her feet." "If she accepts, they'll be lifelong mates." "lt's kind of like an engagement ring." "Yeah, it's unbelievable to watch." "I have a feeling that you are a very good kisser." "I know because I spent an hour and a half inside your mouth and I scoped it out." "What makes you think I'll be kissing you, huh?" "You all right?" "You okay?" "I guess I was wrong about the "really good kisser" thing." "Come on, we'll find something you're good at." "What?" ""Perfectly imperfect"?" "What does that mean?" "I don't know. I mean, haven't you ever fallen for someone's flaws?" "I'm a plastic surgeon." "I see a flaw, I pour Spackle over it." "Hey, are these new?" "Hey, hey, hey." "No, no." "You don't touch these." "It's Pamela Anderson's breast implants." "Why are they not implanted in her breasts?" "It's a reduction, baby." "This is what came out." "So you're hoping that some sick dude will buy these?" "Some sick dude already did." "This dude!" "What do you want Pamela Anderson's breast fillings for?" "Why do you want Miss Penguin Pussy?" "To each his own, buddy." "Oh, "Miss Penguin Pussy." Who the fuck are you?" "Stu Klaminsky." "Nice to meet you." "Anyway...." "Cam's the one, man." "When I'm with her...." "I don't know, Stu." "I mean, I feel like...." "She just" "She" "Completes you." "Screw you." "Screw you." "And can I just say that I'm an idiot for listening to you? "Public service."" "Might I remind you that you got your axle greased in the process?" "What's sex without love?" "Sex!" "It's still sex!" "Jesus Christ. I never met a guy so bummed to squirt a little baby gravy." ""Baby gravy."" "Yeah, you know, man chowder." "Jeez. I can't believe you're going cold turkey for this chick." "If she wants me to be more like a gentoo, I'm gonna be like a gentoo." "You lost me." "Gentoo, it's a monogamous penguin." "Who's ridiculed by the other penguins for being a fag." "Here it comes." "lt's huge." "Oh, you got some" " Right there." "Thanks." "Do I have any on me?" "No." "No." "You wanna get that?" "You're silly." "l have something for you." "Really?" "A gift?" "Oh, bad form." "A gift on the third date?" "Open it." "Okay." "You're an asshole." "Yes, but a thoughtful asshole." "Thank you." "So fess up about this charm." "You heard about that?" "Yeah. lt's quite a scam you got going." "No, it's not me." "Please." "lt's not, I'm serious." "Somebody got it in their head, once a girl's been with me she'll meet her true love with the next guy that she goes out with." "Can you believe it?" "Please." "People will believe whatever they wanna believe." "Okay, I've got one for you." "Did you know it is impossible for a human being to lick their own elbow?" "How do you know that?" "No one can do it." "All right." "I could do it." "You can't do it, my friend." "All right." "Fine." "I got one." "Did you know the average person produces 1 0,000 gallons of saliva in their life?" "Did you know that I produce 10,000 gallons of saliva in one kiss?" "That's disgusting." "Yeah, I'm gonna show you." "Come here. I'm serious." "I don't like sloppy kisses." "Are you trying to unhook my bra?" "No." "No, I wouldn't do that." "No." "Why not?" "Am I not your type?" "Oh, you are definitely my type." "What's your type?" "Black-and-blue, riddled with bandages." "And braless." "Yeah, definitely braless." "Your move." "That's it?" "The socks are next." "Slow down." "Wuss." "You really wanna do this?" "I mean, you really wanna take us further?" "This is not happening." "I gotta get it." "lt's my emergency line." "No, no." "I gotta get it." "I'll be fast." "I'll be fast." "I'll be fast." "Dr." "Logan speaking." "Dude." "Is this an emergency?" "You're gonna wanna hear this, man." "Well, I am rather busy right now." "Good night." "Wait." "Did you bone her yet?" "Look, unless this is an emergency, call my office in the morning." "Fine." "You wanna lose her forever, hang up the phone now." "This is gonna be the best night of your life." "Are you still there?" "Chuck." "Are you there?" "What are you talking about?" "Dude, it's that charm thing." "Turns out, it's real." "No." "That's not true because you told me yourself." "But now I believe. I started calling all your exes." "They're married." "Not just some, all." "A to Z on your Palm Pilot, man." "Susan Agretsi to Jeannie Ziegert." "Every single one you closed the deal with." "And did you see this month's high school newsletter?" "Sarah McDowell." "The girl I lost my virginity to?" "Did you see who she wound up marrying?" "Tony Lamberto, that douchebag she dumped you for." "You know what this means, don't you?" "You shake the sheets with Cam, she's gonna marry the next guy she dates." "This" "I hate you." "I really hate you." "I gotta go. I gotta go." "Dental emergency." "Freak accident." "Children." "They thought it was gumballs." "Ball bearings." "And it just fucked up their shit." "You look great. I had a good time." "I gotta go." "I gotta go!" "I can't believe you're considering doing this." "If you believe it and everyone else believes it, what else can I do?" "Anything but this." "I gotta be sure. I've gotta put the curse to the test." "Where is she?" "She's beached over there by the giant garbage bag full of donut holes." "Eleanor Skepple." "She's angry, rude and she smells bad." "In addition to back acne she's got front acne and side acne." "You see that glass of water there?" "She keeps her teeth in that glass." "So you're saying that she's single." "She's your best bet." "You sink the soldier all you want, this chick ain't never getting married." "If she was the last woman on earth humanity would come to a screeching halt." "Hey, asshole, got my peanut butter?" "No." "My name's Charlie." "I'm sorry, I was just wondering if I could take you out tonight." "How does that--?" "How does that sound?" "You want me to elaborate?" "No, I catch your drift." "I'm sorry to have bothered you." "I'll pay you $100 to go out with me." "Two hundred dollars." "Make me happy." "So $1,000 and all you have to do is take me to dinner?" "Well, I actually thought that maybe we could" " You know, we" "You and I could get physical." "All right." "I'm gonna fuck you till you die." "And now we wait." "Oh, Coco." "I know how you feel." "We just put ourselves out there." "And what happened?" "Got left hanging." "Huh, girl?" "Has he called yet?" "No, Joe." "He hasn't." "Thanks for asking." "I really appreciate it." "God, I feel so stupid." "Why did I act like that?" "Why hasn't he called?" "All this waiting is driving me crazy." "You know, there's always some madness in love." "But there's also always some reason in madness." "Nietzsche." "Been using the pages of this philosophy book for rolling paper." "It's like I'm smoking their thoughts." "lt's him." "Well, get it." "I'm gonna let it ring." "I'll screen it." "I'm sorry I haven't called, but I've been really sick." "I can't even get out of bed." "Do you think that maybe we could just talk on the phone or on the computer?" "I'd really, really like that." "Call me." "I can't pretend to be sick forever." "Come on, man." "l don't know." "You gotta do this." "You got this, my brother." "You're a crazy train." "Look at the man in the mirror." "You're a force of nature." "Hurricane Stu." "l can't do it." "You have to." "No one's asked her out yet." "Yeah, right." "So I go out with Eleanor Skepple to test your curse and what happens next?" "I'm walking down the aisle with Shamu. I don't think so." "Do you see what I'm doing here?" "The friend card, man?" "Yeah." "That's mean." "You leave me no choice." "Give me that." "You son of a bitch." "I marry her, Chuck, we're gonna hunt you down and we're gonna eat you." "Excuse me." "Yeah, Stu." "I can't believe you're still sick." "How long has it been?" "Two weeks. lt's killing me but, you know, I don't wanna infect you." "At this point, I wouldn't mind." "You know, I feel like a kid again." "I haven't talked on the phone this much since high school." "Oh, that reminds me." "Would you go to the prom with me?" "I love your voice." "The crazy thing is, I can't picture you anymore." "Okay, here's the update:" "I am now 4'3", I weigh 235 pounds and I've got a cleft eye." "Can I ask you something?" "Yeah." "Are you not into girls?" "No." "No." "Are you--?" "Seriously, are you there?" "Yeah." "I'm not not into girls." "You should've seen my room growing up." "It was full of posters of girls." "There was no guys, it was girls." "Well, are you avoiding actually seeing me?" "No, Cam, I'm dying to see you." "It's killing me." "Then come over." "Right now." "Wash my back." "Come on." "I'll wear a mask." "You could wear a mask." "We'll play doctor." "Oh, boy." "I want to, but with the" "No buts." "I need to see you." "I need to see if that birthmark really looks like Alfred Hitchcock." "Now, wait, no." "That is a restricted area, okay?" "Not everybody gets a peek at the master of suspense." "If I can't see you, then I think we should take our phone relationship to the next level." "What do you mean?" "Oh, yeah." "That feels good." "I like that." "Do you like that?" "Like what?" "That's my phone sex voice." "Come on, Charlie, work with me here." "I want to, I just don't think that we should do that." "Nothing to do with" "Does your phone receive pictures?" "Yeah, why?" "Sending." "Sending?" "What are you sending to me?" "Sending." "l got it." "You got it?" "I'm done for the night, thank you." "Oh, God, hold on one second." "Stu, what's up?" "The deed is done." "I went out with Eleanor Skepple." "I'm not proposing to her." "So you're in the clear." "Are you there?" "Chuck?" "I feel better." "Camcorder in the bedroom, huh?" "Kinky." "So with the camera do I have to sign a waiver or something, for Internet purposes?" "Do you really wanna talk right now?" "Oh, those are nice." "Oh, God bless you." "You pushed me." "Sorry, it's been a while." "I can see I'm gonna have to wear protection." "Stop staring at me." "You're creeping me out." "Sometimes being in love can make someone want to shed the pounds." "No." "What the hell?" "Hello." ""The deed is done"?" ""The deed is done."" "I thought you said you went out with Eleanor Skepple." "No, man, I just said that." "What?" "I didn't wanna risk it." "Marrying her, are you stupid?" "No, no, but I saw you, man." "You" " You" " You asked her out." "No, man." "I just asked her what time it was." "She said it was 3:53." "I can't believe that I trusted you, Stu." "You fucked me." "You" "Take out your friend card." "What?" "Take out your friend card now and rip it up because you fucked me, Stu." "Oh, buddy, she's just a girl." "No." "It's not a girl." "It's the girl." "Now I'm gonna lose her." "I'm not gonna lose her." "Breakfast in bed?" "Wake up." "Good morning." "It's a beautiful day." "Am I supposed to eat my way out of here?" "I walked into the supermarket, I stood there. I was like:" ""What does Cam want?" And I couldn't stop." "Like, "She'll want that and that and that." So I got it all." "Didn't have Spam, though." "I talked to the manager, but it won't be in till next week." "Anyway, enjoy." "Are you okay?" "l am fantastic." "I feel like" " Just-- l did this." "Then I gave meself one of these." "Look." "And I made out with myself." "You're acting kind of strange." "No." "No, no." "Yeah, eat up, eat up." "Try that." "Try that." "Eat up." "Hey, what are your plans for the rest of today?" "I'm going to work." "I'm gonna go to work with you, hang out." "I got it all planned out." "I'm gonna go. I'm" " No." "I'm kidding, I'm not going to work with you." "Actually, Saturday." "Your plans for Saturday?" "Sunday." "Plans for Sunday?" "Don't answer because I'm thinking about Wednesday." "What are you doing Wednesday?" "Let's just seal the deal right now." "And then I'll do my pineapple dance." "Yes, Wednesday?" "This is your fault!" "Everything!" "You!" "You!" "Jesus Christ, why me?" "Just shut your lips, Stu." "Shut up." "Hi, Cam." "What's up?" "It's Charlie." "Hi." "How you doing today?" "I wanted to make sure I had the right number..." "...and I do." "And I do." "Yeah." "How are you doing?" "Having a good day at work?" "I'll let you go, but I wanted to remind you." "Wednesday night, you and me." "Happily." "All right, I'll talk to you later." "Bye." "This is your fault!" "His!" "You already ate." "Why are you--?" "Is there something different in here since lunch?" "Got me lookin' so crazy right now" "Your love's got me lookin' So crazy right now" "Got me lookin' so crazy right now" "Your touch has got me lookin' So crazy right now" "Got me hopin' You page me right now" "Your kiss got me hopin' You save me right now" "Lookin' so crazy Your love's got me lookin'" "Got me lookin' so crazy Your love" "Got it Got me goin' so penguin right now" "Raise the habitat" "Crazy, crazy, crazy" "Crazy for you" "Changed my mind." "Took the day off so I could hang." "I won't be in the way." "But I think I'm gonna blend in like this. I think I'll blend." "Look." "I know how to do that." "Charlie. I'm working." "Or I could go." "Yeah." "I'll get out of here." "No, no." "Thanks." "Have a great day at work." "My car is this way." "Hi, Cam." "Work is done." "Time for fun." "Hey." "I know an amazing sushi place and the best part when you're finished, they put your leftovers in a doggy bag." "Or a penguin bag." "Charlie." "Oh, you don't like sushi." "Thai?" "Listen to me." "Indian." "You need to leave me alone." "Okay?" "I need some space." "So tonight is no good." "I'm very close to changing my phone number." "Do you understand?" "If you were a hamburger at McDonald's I'd name you my McBeautiful Titty Sandwich with titties on top." "l need to see Stu." "Just a sec" "Yeah." "Stu, I need you, it's important." "I'm Dr. Charlie Logan. I don't know who this Stu is you speak of." "Call me." "l need your help." "Are we still friends?" "Cam is gonna fall in love with and get married to the next guy that she goes on a date with, right?" "I'm gonna be that next guy." "Yeah." "You're a plastic surgeon." "You're gonna change my face up." "I don't care if you give me a beak." "I'll look different." "That way, when we meet, "Hi, how you doing?" "My name's Ronald."" "I'm the new guy that she falls in love with." "Let's go." "Right now." "Don't look at me in that tone of voice." "I'm talking truth." "Please?" "Chuck." "Take a look around, man." "I mean, I can give you tits." "You want tits?" "So you're not gonna help me?" "Yes." "But not by rearranging your face, man." "Come here, have a seat." "There's gotta be a better way, right?" "I mean, I know things are bad now, but things could be a lot worse." "Right?" "Listen, you could be like my cousin, man." "He found out last week he's got an inoperable brain tumor." "That's horrible." "Yeah." "He's only got one week left to live." "Oh, man." "That is...." "Perfect." "That's perfect." "He's the perfect guy for her." "What?" "Yeah." "There's no harm, right?" "He gets laid, she falls in love, he's dead in a week I swoop in, console her." "Boom, everybody's happy." "Hey, why don't you club her and have a wedding while she's knocked unconscious?" "That'd work." "What the hell is wrong with you?" "You have to let her go." "That's the one thing I can't do." "Next time I'll bring my suit." "Yeah." "Oh, no." "Oh, no, that's not good." "Keep going." "No." "It's over." "No, that's George." "George." "Hey, George." "Hey, what's up, George?" "What?" "How you doing?" "l'm not George." "Stay away from Cam." "You're gonna stay away from Cam, you hear me?" "You're George." "You'll hurt me." "Charlie!" "l'm not George!" "Cam." "What are you doing?" "I met George." "He's a real jerk." "You shouldn't like him." "I wanna see you." "Stay away from me." "Stay away from me!" "No!" "Falling." "What is wrong with you?" "l'm being bit!" "Does he have fish in his pants?" "Those fuckers are vicious." "Yeah?" "They don't like it when someone disturbs their environment." "Time to go, buddy." "I've been acting crazy." "There's an explanation." "Let me guess." "You believe you're a lucky charm and I'll marry the next guy I date so you've been smothering me and attacking my friends." "What about George, okay?" "What about your date with George Wednesday?" "What big date with George?" "George." "George is my hairdresser." "Excuse me." "I'm sorry." "I was eavesdropping." "Are you really Charlie Logan, the lucky charm?" "Because I was wondering-- -l can't. I'm sorry." "Cam, listen." "No." "I don't think we can do this anymore." "Don't say it." "lt's not working." "Just don't say it's over." "It's over." "Dr." "Charlie?" "Hey, Reba." "I've been calling you all day." "Where have you been?" "Decided to take another day off." "Hey, does our building have roof access?" "Oh, things can't be that bad." "You know, I owe you a thank-you." "I met a guy and he's wonderful." "I really think he's the one." "That's great." "I'm happy for you." "You've done a good thing, Dr. Charlie." "Helping people find love." "That's good." "Bet you didn't think you'd be responsible for helping me find true love again, but you did." "You did, Dr. Charlie." "Dr. Charlie, are you all right?" ""Love'll fall like rain." l'm in pain." "She was right, Reba. lt's raining." "Oh, my God." "Stu, I need to Google something." "Unacceptable." "Oh, I wish I hadn't seen that." "A man can't masturbate in his own house?" "That is disgusting." "It's a known fact that stimulation of the prostate" "No, no, no." "Just get dressed and wash your hands." "All I know is that I'm hexed." "If by "hexed" you mean "bat-shit crazy"..." "...then you're hexed." "Don't you remember?" "Black lipstick, long fingernails." "A freak." "She wanted me to show her my penis." "I wouldn't, so she pulled my nipples and put a hex on me." "Stu, I've lost the most special person in my life. I have to break this spell." "You haven't lost me, dude." "I'm here for you always." "Just drive the fucking car." "Oh, I'm so sorry, buddy." "Hey, what's up with Jester?" "His girlfriend Molly's sick." "I sent her away for treatment." "He stopped grooming himself." "It's heartbreaking, you know?" "If she doesn't come back, he may never find another mate." "Murphy, maybe you reacted too harshly." "You should call him." "l can't, Joe." "You saw him." "He's crazy." "Love does that to you sometimes." "I don't want another one of your philosophy lessons." "He was smothering me." "I wanna be part of someone's life, not all of it." "Have you taken a look at your bedroom lately?" "If you love something, sometimes you just wanna be surrounded by it." "I think" " That's it." "That's it." "How can I get her to break the spell?" "I don't know, man." "She wanted to look at your penis, right?" "That was a joke." "Chuck?" "Chuck, that was a joke." "Oh, my God." "Hi. ls your mother home?" "Is your mother's name Anisha?" "What's with the 50 questions?" "That was two questions." "lt's a hyperbole." "Sweetheart, who is it?" "Are you Anisha Carpenter?" "Do I know you?" "Charlie Logan." "I know this is gonna sound crazy, but you put a hex on me so all my girlfriends would fall in love with other people." "And I need you to reverse the spell." "That was your pendant." "You used to wear that." "You wore it at the party." "The one where you pulled out my hair and did the:" "With the thing." "And then you wanted to see my penis, and I said no." "Go to your room." "Lock it." "But this is just getting good." "Now." "I'm sorry." "What can I do to convince you to help me?" "This spell, turn it off." "Please." "Charlie, I was just a kid." "I didn't know what I was doing." "I don't even know what I did." "You fucked up my life." "That's what you did." "l'll ask you to watch your language." "Your room." "Now." "Anisha, I am begging you." "Have you ever wanted someone so badly you would do anything to get them?" "If someone's meant to be yours, eventually they will be." "No." "Wait." "No." "No, no." "If you think by me being here, we're supposed to get together" "I wasn't talking about you." "My husband, Kurt." "Really, Charlie, I was 10." "I may have thought I was in love, but I was also hot for Scott Baio." "So...." "I've blown it." "Well, then, all you can do is let her go." "Yeah, dude." "You're my hero." "How was she?" "Take me home." "I'm not that easy, man." "You're gonna have to take me to dinner first, you little munchkin." "I have to set her free, let Mother Nature take its course." "If you love something, set it free, right?" "I think Cam is really gonna respond to the new gay you, Chuck." "Take me home." "I got a phone call to make." "Hi, I'm trying to find Howard Blaine." "Hi, Howard." "We've never met, but I have a friend that you really need to meet." "Howard?" "Eat me." "l know." "Eat me." "Gotcha." "Watch out." "Owned." "Owned." "I'm getting married!" "Chuck." "I found my dream girl, and it's all because of you." "I just proposed." "Lara, get your sweet ass over here." "You remember Lara?" "Lara stepped out of heaven and into my office to correct a "condition."" "She's got polymastia." "Has more than two boobs." "Isn't that perfect for me?" "Show him." "No, no." "No, no." "It's okay." "Really. I don't mind." "Yeah, I used to be embarrassed about it." "But that was before Pookie Pants made me realize how special I am." "Oh, baby, you're so goddamn special." "l love you, Monkey Pie." "Okay, show him." "Okay." "Is that not the most beautiful sight you've ever seen in your life?" "It's like seeing the Grand Canyon for the first time." "It's like seeing Earth from space." "Like Three's Company, but all Chrissys, you know what I'm saying?" "I'm happy for you, buddy." "But, dude, that's not why we came." "Okay." "Did you know that it smells like shit in here?" "You might wanna open a window." "It's making me a little...." "You tell him, baby." "Okay." "So I'm friends with Katie who knows Cam and she said Cam's leaving today for Antarctica with some penguin guru." "That's nice." "I'm happy for her." "You sure as shit don't look happy." "I love something and I set her free." "She met somebody else." "But I set her free, that's what's important." "She's leaving, buddy." "For Antarctica." "Right now." "She's going." "She's going." "She's leaving." "What the fuck am I doing?" "That's what we're saying!" "Go!" "Go get your girl, will you?" "He's a little slow." "Damn it." "Excuse me." "I'm sorry, guys." "Quick question, okay?" "Excuse me." "Move away." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Has the flight for Antarctica boarded yet?" "There are no direct flights, sir." "Connecting flight?" "Which one?" "There are two." "Has the flight with the passenger named Cam Wexler boarded yet?" "I'm sorry, sir." "I can't give you that information." "You can't go to the gate without a ticket." "I have to get to Antarctica." "So I will take a ticket for both planes." "There are only first-class tickets available, sir." "Of course there are." "I'll take them both." "Are you traveling with any baggage?" "No." "No." "You realize that it's negative 60 degrees there?" "Just hurry." "And that'll be $17,412." "Do it." "Here you go." "Shoes." "Belt." "Watch." "You've never been to an airport, dummy?" "What goes in pockets?" "Change." "I have some change." "Change." "Change goes in pockets." "Put it in the little bucket." "Don't waste my big buck" " Small bucket!" "l don't need it." "You wanna make this quick?" "l am in a hurry." "ln a hurry?" "Take your pants off." "What?" "You heard me." "Take your pants off." "I'm kidding, you weirdo." "Don't do that." "Why would you do that?" "Come on, let's go." "Go." "Go." "Go." "Cam." "Wait, one more." "I meant to do that." "Here." "Thanks." "Charlie." "l'm sorry." "Please, don't be mad." "Antarctica?" "Couldn't have just taken her to a movie?" "Charlie." "l know that it's crazy that I'm here but it felt even crazier not to come." "Excuse me, you have to take your seats." "Charlie." "My entire life, I've been nothing more than a stepping stone to every relationship I've ever been in." "There's always been a next guy who's better than me." "And for once in my life, I wanna be that next guy." "I've never said this to anybody in my whole life." "Cam I love you." "I love you, Cam." "Please don't go." "Charlie, I'm coming back on Wednesday." "What?" "Yeah." "But Howard and" "Have you met Howard's wife, Marilyn?" "Howard's wife?" "Howard's wife." "Hi." "Hi, Howard's wife." "Howard's wife." "I know about your call to Howard." "I knew you wanted to meet him." "I knew it would make you happy." "That's all I've ever wanted to do." "Plus, mate selection is up to the female." "But, Charlie, you've been acting so-- -l know, I know. idiotic." "Nuts." "And no more "lucky charm" excuse." "I'm done thinking about the past and what could be." "All I care about now is what is." "And this this is." "Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to close the cabin doors." "Please take your seats." "That's for you." "Here." "Charlie!" "Excuse me, aren't you that guy who's" "Not anymore." "I think" "Giggle Monkey, what are you looking for?" "Sex tapes." "What is the point in housesitting if you can't scope out some good old-fashioned homemade porn?" "Score." "You're a genius." "Okay." "Hold on." "Okay, wait." "Do it." "Do it." "Oh, yeah." "Babe?" "Yeah, what?" "Oh, you like when I do the stuff with the" "All right. I'll do it for just one last time." "This is it." "Okay." "I'm not into bestiality." "You know that." "That's documented." "No, I know." "It's fake." "But it's hot." "Okay." "All right." "Okay." "Hey." "So" "So do you come to this glacier often?" "I'm really interested in you because you're a gentoo soul." "You like that?" "Yeah, I like that." "Do it faster." "You like when I do that?" "You ever seen me go down on a-- Come here. lt's okay." "No, no." "Hey, baby, baby." "Don't worry." "Yeah, I like that." "You like that, don't you?" "Yeah." "That's so hot." "No more...." "No more...." "Hold on." "Do it, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "That's really good." "Okay, now do the other thing." "Do the other thing." "Yeah!" "Look at me." "Just look at me." "Yeah, you know what I like." "You like that?" "Oh, yeah." "Oh, I'm really getting in the mood now." "You like when I eat your penguin ass?" "Yeah." "Baby, I think I'm ready." "Do someth" " Turn it off, baby." "You still in the mood?" "Yeah." "All right."