"Come on, girl." "Millie." "Morning." "Here, look at him." "Another lovely morning." "Watch." "Watch." "Watch out." "(YELPS)" "Preparation, preparation, preparation." "That's it, easy." "Easy." "(MILLIE BARKING)" "(GLORIA SNEEZING)" "Poor Gloria." "Such a trouper." "Doctor told her not to come in." "So, how can I help you, Mrs Collins?" "I want to separate from my husband." "As in forever." "You know, divorce can be a very nasty business." "And a touch expensive." "Two lawyers, you and your husband at each other's throats." "Are you sure you're prepared to go through that?" "You haven't seen what he's doing." "Well, I can offer a sort of mediation service, acting as a go-between, as it were, talking to both you and your husband." "Could save you a lot of time and money if you came to some sort of amicable settlement." "Well, I don't care either way." "What he's doing is..." "Well, he's not the man I married." " I am trying to sleep up there." " It's gone 11:00." "Go home, Gloria." "You'll infect everyone." "If you wanna lease Strangers Field from the council, then I'll need to know what you intend to use it for." "Simple." "I want to put a winning horse out to stud on it." " A racehorse?" " Market Mischief." "Um, my rent's due and I'm a little short this month." "If I were to get this lease pushed through ultra quick, then..." "The 3:15 at Newmarket this Saturday." "Keep it under your hat." "Consider that field leased, Mr Griffiths." "Hello." "Philip Collins." "You needn't have come all this way." "I could have easily gone to your office." "Yes, but we've been through all this and you're not leaving the house until you put on some proper clothes." "I'm sorry, this is a Christian Dior." "Oh, for God's sake." "I can't stand any more of this." "Mr Collins, Peter Kingdom." "And this is my sometime mute associate, Lyle." " Sorry." "Hello, how are you?" " Please sit down." "Now, if you're agreeable, we're really here to mediate." "To come up with some sort of working arrangement for your separation." "Oh, I'm sorry." "You're wasting your time, Mr Kingdom." " I don't want to separate." " You don't?" "No." "I adore Brenda." "Couldn't live without her." "Does the dress count as a material witness in a case like this?" "Is that all the insight you have to offer on this case?" "I'm on her side." "He broke the marriage boundaries, he's gotta go." "But he clearly still loves her." "I love cream cakes, but if I eat too many, I would be sick." "You know, I think we're gonna have to work on your analogies, Lyle." " That was very ordinary." " How would you say it, then?" "Well, I love the sound of the sea." "But I also know that if it was up to my ears," "I'd probably be well on the way to drowning." "Cream cakes is better." "Short and to the point." "Which is you all over, Lyle." "No, sorry, we don't deal with that sort of thing." "Bye." "Bloody phone, never stops ringing." " Rudolph had to go home by the way." " Oh, did she?" "Yeah, she was spraying phlegm everywhere." "(LYLE EXCLAIMING)" "Not literally, Lyle." "Beatrice, you don't know the first thing about working on reception." "Course I do." "It's a piece of cake." "(TELEPHONE RINGING)" "K and K." "No, sorry, we don't deal with that sort of thing." "Bye." " See?" "Piece of cake." " Bea, where's Mum?" " Beatrice, who was that on the phone?" " She had to go home, I'm afraid." " Anything I can help you with, darling?" " I forgot my lunch money." "Beatrice, the phone." "I'm sure we've got some petty cash somewhere." "What do you fancy?" "Steak and chips?" "Chinese?" "You name it." "Great!" "(TELEPHONE RINGING)" "K and K..." "Kingdom  Kingdom." "How may I help you?" "Ah, Mr Griffiths." "Well, if it's about the paperwork on your field..." "It's only been, what, two hours." "All the same, you'd better come and see this." "They have to go." " PETER:" "Not before you get the lease." " In the next five minutes, Kingdom." "Right." "All yours, Lyle." "Perfect opportunity to practise your mediation skills." "There we go." "Hello, there." "BRENDA:" "I know what you're thinking." "You're trying to remember the last line from Some Like It Hot." " How did you know?" " And it's true." "Nobody's perfect." "Least of all him." "Um, can we talk about how long this has been going on?" "I've only just found out." "There was a stocking in the laundry." "I thought he was having an affair." "But when I confronted him with it, he produced the matching stocking." "And then some lingerie, and then a couple of dresses." "All in his size." "It was like being hit by a truck." "Did he say why he felt the need to do this?" "He's a pervert." "That says it all." "Yes, but there are degrees of perversion." "We've been together for 14 years, and he goes and does something like this." "It's a sickness." "And I don't want anything else to do with him." "Keep still." "That'll teach you to walk up to a man cutting logs." "Well, I didn't know a chunk was gonna fly off and hit me." "(TELEPHONE RINGING)" "Shouldn't you be answering that?" "They'll call back if it's important." "So, how are you gonna get the Romanies to move along?" "You haven't seen 'em." "They're all right really." "Griffiths just hates them." "I'm afraid your wife is adamant that you should divorce." "Well, I need you to persuade her it doesn't have to be that way." "Well, even if I were to attempt that," "I would have to be in full possession of all the facts." "Fine." "Okay, um, when did you start dressing as a woman?" "About a year ago." "And not as a woman, like a woman." "There's a big difference." "You know, I'm a man." "Philip Collins, you know, with all the heterosexual desires of most other blokes." "So, why do you do it?" "Well, I prefer women's clothes." "It's as simple as that." "If I went to a therapist, I expect they'd say I..." "I feel liberated or, you know, at home with myself, or some such." "I just feel happier." "You see, up until last year our marriage had become a bit..." "And then I thought I'd toy around a bit, and the moment I secretly tried on this silk," "basque, I, or rather we, became again like lovers in the first flush." "You know, it was fantastic." "Is that what gave you the confidence to confess, if confess is the word, your particular idiosyncrasy?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I'd say so." "You know, I thought, naively as it turned out, that Brenda would understand." "'Cause she's my soul mate, Mr Kingdom." "And to lose her would just break me in half." "(PEOPLE CHEERING)" "ANNOUNCER:" "And here he comes now." "Here he comes." "It's Market Mischief." "Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Shipborough's favourite racehorse." "Yes, it's Market Mischief currently running at Newmarket on Saturday in the 3:15." " Didn't know you liked horses, Scott." " Only fast ones." " And he's the fastest." " Have you farted?" " Oh, it's you." " Hello." "I..." "I had a horse once." "Isn't he beautiful?" "Lovely." "Shouldn't you be at work?" " Mum's still ill." " Is she?" "Oops." "(TELEPHONE RINGING)" "Anyway, as you can see, Mrs..." "As you can see, we are a trifle short-staffed here." "So, if you could possibly come back on... (MILLIE BARKING)" "(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)" "Beatrice!" "Lyle!" "Anyone!" "Hello, Mr Kingdom." "I heard your call and here I be." "Now, how can I help?" "(BURPS)" "Fifty pound on Market Mischief to win." "And when I win, I'm coming back to buy you lunch." "Who?" "What?" "I can't even hear." "I'm having terrible trouble with my ears." "You'll have to speak up." "Who?" " Oh, bugger." " Oh, no, she's here." "Hang on." "Here, Miss Kingdom." "There you are." " It's gonna be fun working together." " I'd like to see Mr Kingdom on Thursday." "Just get your..." "Right, let's have a look." "See, I'm looking for something, anything, which has caused irreconcilable marital frustration." "Philip told me you've rowed a lot." "We did." "Things changed when I went into business on my own." "It can be long hours." "And I spend a lot of weekends at auctions or car boot sales." " It's amazing what you can find." " Yes." "Everything but your husband, I should imagine." "You're not trying to blame me, I hope." "For what?" "For making a success of myself." "I'm not blaming anyone, Mrs Collins." "But the fact is, you were both prepared to weather those rows because, deep down, you must feel very strongly for each other." "Maybe once." "Philip tells me that last year was a huge improvement." "Hmm." "It was like old times." "My problem is this, Mrs Collins." "As it stands, your husband's behaviour doesn't amount to reasonable grounds for divorce." "Well, not to you maybe." "I have to prove unreasonable conduct." "So far everything he's done, he's done in the confines of his own home, and it hasn't directly impaired your marriage." "It's not like he's an alcoholic or a wife beater, or he's run up secret debts or developed a gambling habit or been constantly unfaithful." "Well, of course he's been unfaithful." "He's left me for another woman." "Yes, unfortunately, that other woman was himself." "Kingdom  Kingdom." "Would you hold the line, please?" "Okay, so that's next Tuesday at 11:30, right?" "You have a nice day now." "Bye-bye." "Hello, sir." "How can I help?" "Absolutely, sir." "We'll be only too happy to assist you in any way we can." "I could offer you next Friday at 4:30." "How's that?" "Good, lovely." "Look forward to seeing you then." "Goodbye now." " Wow." " If Gloria can do it, so can I." " And what's his story?" " Worn out from helping, poor thing." " Ooh, smelly man." " Is Peter around?" "No." "But there is someone here to see you." "Hello, Leo." "Glad you could make it." "You have work for us?" "I'm surprised you've still got a practice, letting her run things." "Not that it wasn't a very selfless gesture on Beatrice's part to lend a hand, I must say I can't wait for you to get better very soon." " I'll try my best." " Thank you." "And if you need me, you know where I am." "I was hoping you could keep an eye on Scott for me." "Rest assured, I shall watch him like a hawk." "So that's a pound on Market Mischief at 5-1." "Are you sure you don't wanna put any more on?" "'Cause he's bound to win." "That's what I like to see, a gambling man." " BOY:" "Hurry up." " Thanks very much." " A fiver on Market Mischief, please." " A fiver at 5-1." "I can assure you, Mr Griffiths, I am doing everything I can" " to get them out of that field." " I want the scum moved along." "And if you don't do it, I will." "Now get on to it!" "And don't forget, I gave you that tip in the strictest of faith." "LYLE:" "They will move when you get that lease." "These people are very reasonable." "In fact, I'm negotiating with them right now." "And trust me, I am acting in the very best of faith, Mr Griffiths." "All right, lads?" "Simon." "Right, thank you, Mr Snell." "I can manage now." "Now, Lyle, question for you." "Mrs Collins loves Mr Collins, and vice versa." "So how do we get them together?" "I'm afraid you can't have your cake and eat it." "That would be your cream cake, I suppose." "No, he can't do the dress thing and expect to keep her." "Well, it makes him happy, and it saved their marriage." "No, it hasn't." "It's all but killed it off." "No, if he stopped dressing up, they'd be back to terrible rows and an awful marriage." " Catch 23, then." " 22." "Inflation, eh?" "Gotta move with the times, PK." "Talking of which, I think we should take the money and run." "Sounds cruel, but the only way they can be together is by being apart." "Although what you've just said makes virtually no sense whatsoever," "I am, for some reason, inclined to agree with it." "Though call me PK again and I'll pull your pancreas out with a pair of pliers." "Oh, damn." "Peter?" " Oh!" " Sorry, I didn't mean to make you jump." "No, it's fine." "You just gave me a fright, that's all." "What's this?" "Who's Christopher Waller?" " Ah..." " Why is Simon's photo on this bloke's licence?" " Um..." " Speak properly, please." "You're not at the dentist." "It's, um, nothing." "That's not very good lawyer speak, is it? "Sorry, Your Honour, it's nothing."" "It's just something I found among Simon's effects." "And?" "That's all." "Oh, come on, Peter." "You would have looked into it immediately." "What was Simon up to?" " I really don't know." " And I really know when you're lying." "Honestly, I have no idea." "Okay, so what's that black car been doing parked outside for the last few days?" " What black car?" " Oh, you really are bad at this." "I really don't know what you mean by a black car." "That black car." "You were saying?" "If it's bad, you need me." "If you're in trouble, I'm there for you." "Back to back, shoulder to shoulder." "There's no one better than me." "Thank you." "But actually, everything's fine." "You know where I am." "(MAN WHISTLING)" " That's far enough, gentlemen." " What the hell!" "I had a feeling you might try something like this." "Now until the council release the field to you, these people are allowed to stay here." "People?" "I think you're exaggerating, young man." "They're not people." " They're good-for-nothing scavengers." " Well, thank you for that." "I feel very enlightened now." "But only to the type of person that you are." "So if you'd all like to turn round and go home," "I'll let you know when you can have your field." "LEO:" "Get out of here." "And one more thing, Mr Griffiths." "You can't put your horse out to stud until after the race." "So what does it matter if these people are here or not?" "Just wait till they've cut your throat and robbed you blind, then you'll see." "LEO:" "Okay, then." "Okay." "How's it going with Griffiths and that field?" " I don't like him." " Well, that's neither here nor there." "He's a racist." "Well, he may well be but we don't discriminate against people who discriminate." "That's not what we do here." "Christopher Waller." "Beatrice." "I need a favour." "I want you to put this on at the bookies for me." "I'm too young." "Blimey, Scott, where did you get all that?" "I've been running a book on Market Mischief." "It's a no-lose situation." "I've taken bets at 5-1, but the odds at the bookies are 9-1." "So when he wins, I pay all my mates and still get almost double the profit." "If the horse wins." "You've seen him." "He can't lose." "So what do you say?" "I can cut you in for a percentage." "I presume your mother doesn't know about this?" "Are you kidding?" "She'd kill me." "Come on, let's go." "I need to man the phones right now, Scott, but, hey, leave it with me." "Bea, you're beautiful." "Not that I fancy you." "I mean, I couldn't, even though you are good-looking." "You're way too old for me." "I'm sorry to say that all my mediation has come to nought, Mr Collins." "Well, let me speak to her." "Oh, I really don't think that would work." "Brenda seems unequivocal in her desire to divorce you." "I mean, I suppose I could try and string it out, you know." "Tell her that there are no reasonable grounds and so on, but... ultimately you'd just end up spending more and more money in what I am sure is a futile quest." " But I love her." " I'm truly sorry." "All right, I'm not gonna stand in her way." "She can have whatever she wants." "She can have the business and the car." "Everything." "Yeah, it's the least I can do for her." "Good God!" "How did you get..." "What are you doing here?" "If you keep lying to me, I'll keep coming back." "Simple." "Yes, but you don't have to break in." "I'm just showing you that there's no escape." "I came across a file downstairs, Christopher Waller's file." "Looks an awful lot like your brother." "They could be twins, if you get my drift." "Oh, and one more thing," "I'll have the money your brother owes me by the end of the week." " Thirty K." " Thirty thousand?" "Where am I gonna find ?" "30,000?" "This is my brother's debt." "He's dead." "How is this my problem?" "Peter, I thought you deserved a treat, so..." "Who the hell are you?" "Very pretty." "Don't even think about it!" "Beatrice, can't have you going round clobbering our clients." "We need to talk." " He was my brother, too." " I know." "Why did he need someone else's identity?" "I think he wasn't very good at being Simon Kingdom." "And you thought you'd hide this from me?" "I hid it from everyone." "I had to." "He took on the identity of one of his friends who died." "One of our clients." "If that came out, then all of this, every square centimetre of the practice, every nanosecond of my career, would all go up in flames." "Well, this new identity didn't work, though, did it?" "Can't have, otherwise he wouldn't have topped himself." "Patently not." "And what about the Neanderthal sitting on the end of your bed?" " A debt collector." " What was it?" "Gambling?" "Oh, God." "I thought I was the one with the problems." "You don't have the money, do you?" "Oh, Christ, Peter." "Mmm." "Thank you." "I'll be three months' rent up after the weekend." "Or six months' down if he trips and falls." "Horses do that sometimes." "Hello, darling, what are the odds on Market Mischief?" "It's all right, Gloria." "I've got it all under control." "Ran all the way." "Did you still get 9-1?" " Here." " What's this?" "Go back to school, hand the money back and forget all about gambling." " But I'm gonna make loads." " If you're that bright, Scott, go and put your brain to good use elsewhere." "I thought we were in this together." "I don't do gambling, Scott." "It leads to the worst kind of places." "And you call yourself a mate?" "Well, stuff you, Bea." "You hear me?" "Up yours." "I'll find someone else." "Someone nicer." "That's it, I'm jumping." "Hardy bloody har." "Beatrice, please." "The day's only just begun." "Look, you must have found something." "Why did he do it?" " Why did he use a stolen identity?" " I just don't know." "Why Christopher Waller?" "I've looked, Beatrice, believe me, but I can't work out what's going on." "I just..." " I don't understand any of it." " Neither can I." "I spent hours online yesterday." "I couldn't find anything." "Oh, I see." "So your filling in for Gloria was just..." "Just cover for some new sideline in sleuthing, was it?" "Tell me everything you know, or I'll drop your favourite mug." "All I know is Simon took on the identity of the dead Christopher Waller and, as him, seems to have made rather a lot of money." "Hence Mr and Mrs Waller's somewhat unlikely new swimming pool and flash sports car and all that sort of thing." "They don't know anything about it and, frankly, I'd rather it stayed that way." "And what about that big, fat, hairy criminal dickhead?" "I'd like to slap him from here to eternity." "Yes, thank you, Beatrice, but I think, on reflection," "I'd better deal with him on his own terms." "Somehow I've gotta find a way to pay him, then it'll all be over." "Now, can I have my mug?" "It knows nothing." "Thank you." "LYLE:" "Just through here, Mr Collins." " Oh." " Are you making fun of me?" " Are you trying to humiliate me?" " No." "No, I've always rather admired that dress." "I didn't know you'd be wearing it today, though." "I don't want him seen out of the house like this." "That's not really within my power." "And it is a nice dress." "In fact, you both look great." "Yes, thank you, Lyle." "Now the reason we're here really is to sign these documents, and to see if we can work out the terms of your separation." "Who gets what, who lives where and so on." "I've already said it's all Brenda's." "Well, I appreciate that, Mr Collins, but the property's worth a considerable sum of money, and you've got a lovely car." "And Brenda has the van for the business." "If I can't be with Brenda, I don't want any of it." "Mr Collins, you're very emotional right now, which is completely understandable." " However, you are entitled to..." " Absolutely nothing." "Not after all I've put Brenda through." "I mean, it's just a dress." "Same as you're wearing." "Well, that all seems fairly straightforward, then." "Your problem is that you care too much." "You can't be responsible for everyone." "But if there's one thing I cannot bear, it's a pointless break-up." "I mean, look how difficult it is for people to meet in the first place." "Indeed." "(THUNDER CLAPPING)" "I know I shouldn't feel responsible, but sometimes I can't help it, regardless." "I mean, take Simon." "He couldn't wait to get his ticket to the big city." "Whereas for me, a cutthroat urban life was the last thing I wanted." "I wanted to stay here where life is decent and heartfelt, and there are clear sunrises and golden sunsets." " And gentle points in between." " It's all still here, Peter." "Well, it's doing a damn good job of hiding itself is all I can say." "You know, your uncle used to say that sometimes you have to close your eyes in order to see properly." "And it works." " Well, I'll take your word for it." " It's amazing what you can see." " Just amazing." " Right." "Well?" "Actually, yeah, little yellow floaty dots against a red background." "Free your mind." "(SIGHS) This is silly." "Look, Peter." "Honestly, I don't..." " Oh, hello, there is something there." " Ha!" "Ye of little faith." "It's slightly dirty." "It's blue and white and made of china, and very, very old, and it's over there." "What, that appalling thing I do the watering with?" "Mmm." "Have you had it valued?" "Stop it." "Ah, they can fetch high prices these oriental vases, you know." " What would my percentage be?" " Ten." "I was thinking 20." "Twelve." "That's my highest." "Take it or leave it." "Shouldn't you be in school?" "Hmm?" " Let's make it 15." " Yeah." " He's only 3-1 now." " 3-1?" "He's been backed so heavily that the odds have come right in." "But that means I can't cover the bets my mates made with me." " If he wins, I lose." " That's the horse game for you." "They'll kill me." "All you have to do is give them their stake back." "What if they don't accept it?" "I mean, they're getting good odds now." "GRIFFITHS:" "This field's too good for the likes of you." "I've got a thoroughbred moving in." "What on earth's that?" "Well, I'm hoping that it's the answer to my prayers." "Jesus." "Griffiths went behind my back to the council." "Don't ever burst in like that again, all right?" "I'll text ahead next time, shall I?" "He's only gone and got a court order, hasn't he?" " You happy now?" " And good bloody riddance." "Well, look who it is." "Too late, I've done it myself." "Nice work, son." "Morning." "I was hoping for a valuation." "What do you reckon?" "Qing dynasty." "Definitely worth quite a bit." "Well done you." "Music to my ears, Mrs Collins." "Music to my ears." "Wouldn't have thought you needed the money." "Speaking of which, don't you think you're paying rather a high price for what is, to all intents and purposes, merely a harmless piece of cloth?" "I've got money." "Yes, but I'm talking about more than money, Mrs Collins." "All Philip has done is wear items of clothing that are non-specific to his gender." "I mean, the tyranny of homogenous and socially acceptable dress codes is rather mundane and boring, don't you agree?" "So you're saying that you'd wear a dress?" "Well, I, I..." "I suppose my point is that if I wanted to, I should be allowed to." "After all, you can wear a rugby shirt and a man's jacket and no one will bat an eyelid." "All I'm asking you to do is to entertain the idea that it should be a two-way street." "Can you do that?" "No." "I'm sorry, Mr Kingdom, I can't." " I'll get back to you about your vase." " All right." "Well, I'll leave you with this one thought, though." "Close your eyes and try and imagine life without Philip." "I think you'll be surprised by what you see." "Hey, boys." "Let's show him his new field." "He's gonna love it." "The thought of all those mares lining up for him." "Oh, lucky boy." "Come on, Chief, Chief, I've got a surprise for you." "Hey, boy." "What the..." "He's gotta be somewhere." "Matt." "Go on, Brian, check the paddock." " Chief, come on." " MAN:" "Not in here." "Not in this one." "I don't believe this." "Oh!" "PILOT ON RADIO:" "Oscar Hotel." "Oscar Hotel." "This is Zulu Delta." "Zulu Delta searching the area for the missing racehorse." "There's no sign yet." "We're over the stables." "Still no sign." "Over." "Police are investigating the disappearance of the Market Shipborough-based racehorse Market Mischief, which was reported missing..." "It's the gypsies." "They took him." "Revenge for being turfed out." "MAN ON RADIO:" "Good morning." "This is Shipborough FM 108.4." "And we're just talking about the missing racehorse." " WOMAN:" "Market Mischief." " Market Mischief indeed." "Stolen from local trainer Herb Griffiths in Market Shipborough." "WOMAN:" "And it seems that everyone in Market Shipborough has put their shirt on this horse." "MAN:" "And that's a lot of polyester, isn't it?" "Mr Kingdom." "My brother's debt in full." "I trust we're done here now." "Look, I have done everything you asked." "I haven't involved the police." "I've played by your rules." "There's your money." "I'm a solicitor, for heaven's sake." "Can't we just be done with this once and for all?" "This 30K is just the start." "I'll be in touch." "PETER:" "I'll take that over to him." "Did he say where he was going to go?" "He didn't seem to care." "He's willing to lose all this for the sake of a few dresses." "It really means that much to him." "I think it's more a question of how much it means to you, Mrs Collins." "Happiness versus shame." "I was rather hoping the former would win out." "Still, I'm sure lots of people wouldn't blame you." "Such is the world we live in." "Look, you don't know the first thing about loss, do you?" " Pardon?" " It isn't something you can get over in a week's time, it lives with you for the rest of your life." "Just when you think you've got everything exactly where you dreamt it would be, it's gone." "Maybe a few memories can bring back the odd warm smile, but the reality is really very different." "Loss is always hungry, Mrs Collins." "It's always looking to eat away at you." "I truly hope you can cope with that." "I know that I, for one, have found it very hard indeed." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I..." "It isn't my place to speak." "It's just been one of those weeks." "Anyway, I'll see he gets his clothes." "He's not around any more." "I've dealt with it, I promise you." "Good, because I never want to see the big, fat, hairy criminal dickhead ever again." "Hill." "The man's name is Hill." "Let's just forget about him, shall we?" "(MAN GROANING)" "Mr Collins?" "Oh, my God." "Don't worry, it wasn't Brenda." "MAN:" "Lift your end up a bit." "(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)" "Peter Kingdom." "So far, he's refused to speak." "Other than to ask for you." "Though how he got your name, I've no idea." "We know each other." "Well, then, perhaps you can get him to tell us where the horse is." " Well, Mr..." " Leo will do." " Leo." " Did you take the horse?" "Now why I do a thing like that?" "A sports car, perhaps." "But a racehorse?" " What am I going to do, eat it?" " Depends how hungry you are." "Or perhaps you thought you'd leave the head in that nice Mr Griffiths' bed." "Come on." "No, if you had stolen that horse, it would have towed your caravan to another county by now." " That's one fast animal." " Exactly." "Well, if you didn't take it, who did?" "In my world, we look for who has the most to gain." "And somewhere in your world, the same rule applies." "You couldn't be a tiny bit more specific, could you?" "Everything is closer to home than you think." "No, I'm still not getting it." ""Everything is closer to home than you think."" "That's all we've got to go on." "Lyle, this isn't really our concern." "This is a police matter." "It's a code and I'm gonna crack it." "Closer to home, closer to home, closer to home, closer to home, closer to home." "You sound like a galloping horse." "Maybe I'm meant to." "Maybe that's the clue." "Oh, Lyle, honestly." "I'm gonna lose a bucket load of money on the flaming thing if we don't find it." "Okay, so who'd lose a bucketful of money on the flaming thing if it was found?" "Scott." "And that's as close to home as it gets." "Beatrice, you are a genius." "SCOTT:" "Bea, he's all right." "I've been looking after him and everything." "I put him in the barn next to the field." "No one thought of looking in there!" "That's it, come on." "(MISCHIEF WHINNYING)" "Oh, Mischief!" "Did you miss me?" "Come on." "Come on, come here." "Oh, you beauty!" "They're gonna kill me at school when I give 'em their money back." "They can try, Scott, but they'll have to get through me first." "Come on, give me five." "NURSE:" "Come on, Mr Collins, let's sit you up." "Ah-ha." " All part of the mediation service." " Oh." " Not that it did me much good." " Oh, I don't know." "Oh." "Brenda." "Brenda's agreed to give it another go." "And that, at the end of the day, your transvesticism is, well, immaterial." "So, when did this happen?" "Well, Mr Kingdom told me to close my eyes." "You mean open them?" "I'll explain it later." "Mr Collins meet Mrs Collins." "Here get me a nightie, will you?" "Don't push your luck." "ANNOUNCER:" "The horses are coming into the parade ring." "There, you can see, is Market Mischief." "They'll be making their way to the start very shortly for the 3:15 here at Newmarket." " Did you find what you were looking for?" " Indeed I did." "Ha!" "That's my Peter." "Well, that looks very promising." " What's the form?" " Oh, very well-formed." " Ah, Mr Collins, any hot tips?" " Yes, I do, actually." "Um, thongs are for ladies." "This one's killing me." "SNELL:" "Oh, Ted." "Ted." "It was when Gloria was off sick, and I was helping out at the office." "I was close to nirvana, Ted." "It was council legislation." "It was an inch away." " I could have touched it." " Next time, Sidney." "Yeah, well, I just hope that flu keeps circulating." "ANNOUNCER: ... arriving at the post..." "Bless you, Sidney." "How do you know about odds?" "Um, Lyle explained it all to me." "As soon as I'm back at work, I'm gonna be having a serious word with him." "Where's Lyle?" "He should be here by now." "I am." "The sport of kings." "And Kingdoms." "And they're off."