"Ah, high school, that carefree time in your life when the stress of the real world seems miles away-- at least, it used to be." "Ow!" "Ohh!" "Hand cramp." "Hand cramp!" "Sue, put that stuff away and get ready for school." "Mom, I am a junior now." "It is not about high school anymore." "It's about college." "I have been working on this scholarship essay since 4:00 AM." "Since when are you interested in studying American Forestry?" "Hey, for 50 bucks, I will study anything they want me to." "I am also applying for the local Al-Anon scholarship." "I have to write an essay about my hardships and how I've overcome them." "Speaking of, would you guys describe yourselves as more escapist drinkers or panic drinkers?" "Escapist, definitely." "Now let's go." "You can do this after school." "N" " I can't." "I'm picking up extra shifts at Spudsy's for my college fund." "Then, I'm studying for the SATs." "Then, I am doing community service at the Orson Senior Center cutting up meat for old people." "I'm sorry, but I have to be assiduous right now." "I've been getting the SAT word of the day on my computer." "How lugubrious is that?" "Oh, wait, mm." "I used that wrong." "I just cannot find the hidden bunny in this urban scene." "It's on top of the stoplight." "Oh." "Well..." "I just don't know why business is so slow lately." "Why aren't more people coming in?" "Maybe I should have gone with Inspector Plaque Hound instead of Dr. Shiny Tooth on the reminder cards." "You did send those out, right?" "Did I?" "Did I?" "Frankie, I need you to reorder mint floss, blue water for the spit sink, and send out these reminder cards." "They're really the lifeblood of our industry." "Got it, got it, got it." "You know... come to think of it, Dr. Shiny Tooth was kind of menacing for a reminder card." "Darn it." "That is a mistake from which I may not recover." "Well, I'm gonna take Colin Firth out for a poopie." "All right." "Have a good one." "Brick, you can't let this math teacher get you down." "It's not just math." "It's... everything." "Middle school is hard." "Never mind." "I'll be fine." "What did you say to my kid?" "Who?" "Brick?" "Nothing." "I just said, "Are you going in?"" " What did he say?" " He didn't answer." "Don't do that anymore." "I wasn't being mean." "He's having a hard-enough day as it is, all right?" "What's up, ladies?" "Dude, Olson, what happened?" "You're huge." "Yeah, it looks like you ate Skinny Olson." "Yeah, well, Coach gave us that big speech that if we want to play next year, we got to bulk up, remember?" "Yeah, but we're not getting weighed in until right before Spring Scrimmage." "Which is next week." "I got to buy a calendar." "That'll be $47." "What?" "Why?" "'Cause you only got six points left on your card." "But I thought the meal plan was, like, unlimited." "Well, it's, like, not." "Everybody gets 2,000 points, and you're down to 6." "And you got three." " What?" " What?" "How did that happen?" "Tater ball!" "Welcome to Ice Cream Castle City." "Population-- yum." "Hey." "Mom, be careful!" "That is my essay for the American Patriot Scholarship." "I know I am gonna get that one." "No one loves America more than me." "And, here, check out my title" ""Why I'm An Ameri-Can And Not An Ameri-Can't" "AKA red, white, and Sue."" "Well, that's great, Sue, but I'm gonna need some room." "I got to fill out 300 reminder cards and mail them before Dr. Goodwin finds out I'm horrible at my job." "But, mom, this is my work area." "Fine, fine." "Here, you can have from the mustard stain to where Axl wrote "Fart."" "Thank you." "Hey." "How was your day?" "Mm, better than Brick's." "When I dropped him off this morning, this older girl started messing with him." "What do you mean, "messing with him"?" "Uh, you know, making fun of him, holding the door shut so he couldn't get in the building." "So, I got out of the car, had a little chat with her." "You got out of your car?" "Yeah." "It was the wrong day to mess with my kid." "Oh, no." "What did you say?" "What did you do?" "Nothing." "It was good." "It was fine." "Let's just say she got the message." "Dad, why did you bully my friend this morning?" "Wait, what?" "My friend said you bullied her." " You have a friend?" " Yeah, her name is Piper." "She says you got out of the car and were mean to her." "Well, 'cause she was being mean to you." "Could you guys keep it down?" "You are being so..." "obstreperous." "No, it looked like she was holding the door so you couldn't get in the building." "No, we were just goofing around." "She's my friend." "Well, I'm sorry, Brick." "In my defense, you talking to someone your age does not exactly scream "friend."" "I was trying to help." "Well, now the whole school thinks my dad has to protect me from a girl." "So, thanks for the help." " Oh, hey, Mrs. Heck." " Hey, Hutch." "What are you guys doing here?" "Well, it's dead week at school, and we don't have any classes." "Hey!" "This is not a social visit." "If you're flapping your gums, there better be food in them." "May I help you?" "We got to put on beaucoup poundage by next Wednesday, or we're not gonna make the team next year, which means no scholarship, which means you can kiss your golden goose goodbye." "Hey!" "Hey, hey, hey!" "Axl, stop it!" "Stop it!" "What are you doing?" "!" "You are getting squeezy cheese all over my Kickin' It Teen Style SAT Super Study Buddy Guide." "What are you freaking out about?" "It is so easy to get into college." "All you got to do is be awesome." "Oh, wait." "I get it now." "Hey, dad." "So..." "I was just wondering when you were gonna apologize." "I already told you I was sorry." "No, not to me-- to Piper." "I was thinking you could do it at school tomorrow." "We have a free period between 10:20 and 10:40 so the teachers can smoke." "Uh, Brick, I really don't think that's a good idea." "W-why not?" "I mean, you made her feel uncomfortable." "Yeah, well, she's gonna feel even more uncomfortable when a nine-foot man shows up outside her science class." "But don't you always say, "When you make a mistake, you should look a person in the eye and apologize"?" "Yeah, and that's true, but in this situation," "I don't think going back to the school's a good idea." "Trust me-- I think it's better we just cut bait and call this one a day." "Mm." ""Trains A and B are traveling in the same direction on parallel tracks."" " 66, 67, 68..." " "Train A is traveling" " at 60 miles per hour, and train B is traveling at 70." - ...69, 70, 71 72" "Axl, I am trying to concentrate." "Okay, "Train B is traveling 12 minutes behind."" " 9-8-7..." " 14." " "If train B is 15 minutes behind--" - 15." " No, wait." "No, no-- 12." " Four..." "Mom!" "Help." "It's impossible to do math while they're doing that." "Listen, I just addressed a reminder card to a train going 60 miles an hour, so why don't you all pipe down?" "And who took my almonds?" "That is my brain food." "Axl, do not touch my brain food, or I will end you!" "Dude, what happened to your sister?" "She used to be so nice." "It's the whole house." "Happened ever since I went to college." "Clearly, I was the one keeping everyone happy." "I am serious, Axl." " You stay away from my study food." " Relax." "It's not like you're gonna get into college anyway." "You'll probably end up getting a job at the quarry." "Dad will stick you down some deep mine shaft, and you'll never come out." "But don't worry." "You won't be alone." "You'll probably meet a mole man and have half-man-half-mole kids." "You are an odious and repugnant individual!" "Eh." "All right." "Time for a weigh-in." "What?" "It says I only gained half a pound." "What?" "It says I lost a pound." "I'm getting skinnier." "Okay." "We're obviously burning way too many calories, so..." "New strategy." "No physical activity of any kind." "We just ride the couch and eat." "So, six months after my boss asked me," "I finally got all the reminder cards mailed." "Unfortunately, I forgot stamps." " Just a minute!" " Frankie?" "Yeah, um... don't come in." "Why not?" "Because, uh..." "I have a surprise for you." "Oh, I love surprises!" "Unless you're robbing me." "That happened once." "I did not like that." "That is so funny!" "It made me fall down." "It's gonna take me a minute to get up." "Hang on." "Okay, you can come in." "So... what did you get me?" "I... wrote a song for you." "That's amazing!" "I wrote a song for you, too." "But I thought you might think it was weird." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah?" "Hey, dad." "Hey." "Don't tell your brother I have these." "Mm." "So, it's all set up." "What's all set up?" "Well, you said you didn't want to apologize to Piper at school, so she's agreed to meet you in the park." "What?" "She can meet you tomorrow at 4:00 by the swing set." "It might be nice if you bring her some candy." "Yeah, I'm not gonna do that." "Well, you said you were gonna apologize." "You agreed you made a mistake." "Yeah, I made a mistake, but meeting a 12-year-old girl in the park would be..." "really uncomfortable... and possibly illegal." "But don't you always say," ""When you make a mistake, you should own up to it, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you"?" "Yeah, I do say that." "But sometimes in life, it's better just to let things go and know that you learned something." "That you shouldn't pick on innocent girls?" "I was actually thinking, "Next time you miss the bus, you should walk to school," but yours is good, too." "Hmm." "Dude." "If I eat one more thing, I'm gonna explode." "We have to." "We're athletes." "This is it!" "I got a letter from the Patriotism Scholarship people!" "Oh!" "In my hand, I hold the first piece of the puzzle that will send me on my journey to a higher education." "Oh, boy, honey." "Fingers crossed!" ""Dear Sue, due to the record-high number of submissions"-- They had so many submissions" ""...we regret to inform you that despite your wonderful essay"" "They loved my essay-- "...we are unable to offer you a scholarship but look forward to you trying again next year"!" "They look forward to me trying again next year!" "Just give her a minute." "Wait." "No!" "No!" "No!" "I'm so perturbed!" "So, how was school?" "Things getting better with that math teacher?" "It wasn't so bad today." "Oh, by the way, you were right about the park thing." "Piper's parents thought it was weird that you wanted to meet her there, too." "I didn't." "W-- y-you told her parents that?" "Yeah, I told them all about it-- how you scared her and made her feel uncomfortable." "Brick, why?" "I had to so you could figure out a place to apologize." "I really got out in front of it." "Piper's parents felt they need to be present when you talk to her, so I suggested we all meet at The Spaghetti Station." "I don't want to meet these people at The Spaghetti Station." "I don't want to meet these people at all!" "What the hell is going on here?" "This whole thing has escalated way out of control." "If it helps, we're on a waiting list for a booth." "The next time you make a friend... tell me." "Hey, Sue." "Not now, mom." "Now that I've lost the American Patriot Scholarship," "I am gonna have to really buckle down." "I mean, if I can't get that, what can I get?" "I am gonna have to literally canvass Indiana with applications and hope to God th something comes through because I am desperate." "Speaking of which, is there any chance we're part Choctaw?" "Sue, take a breath." "You are freaking yourself out." "Listen, our insurance doesn't cover stress-related issues." "I've tried." "And that is why I have splurged on this groupon valid Monday through Wednesday, holidays excluded, for the Heavenly Springs Hot Spa down in Jasper." "That's right-- you and me and a tub full of bubbles." "Are you crazy?" "!" "I can't go to a spa." "I have to study for my acts, plus I'm gonna have to find a new service project because I cut up the meat wrong, and I choked an old person." "Honey, come on." "I am really starting to worry about you." "We'll go for a couple of hours, just you and me, a-a-and all this crap will still be here when we get back." "I don't know, mom." "Trust me." "It'll be great." "We'll unwind, soak in the hot tub, and just enjoy the beauty and serenity of the Heavenly Springs Hot Spa." "Okay." "No smoking." "Do not go under the water." "And you got to wear your suits at all times." "Are either one of you pregnant?" "That's sweet of you to ask, but no." "Mm." "All right, here's your towels." "Uh, gonna need a $2 deposit and a, you know, driver's license or a bus pass." "All right." "Thanks." "All right, your two hours start now." "Well, this is nice, huh?" "Ooh!" "It's chillier than I expected." "I-I think there's a warm jet here." "Yeah." "No, that's really heating up." "Come on, Sue." "Let's just jump in." "Mom, I don't think you completely comprehend the amount of work that I have." "I-I just keep thinking about every second that I am wasting." "Sue, you have your whole life to turn into a stressed-out mess." "Trust me." "Now, come on-- I know this isn't exactly what we pictured, but let's enjoy it." "We haven't even gotten our bountiful hors d'oeuvre platter yet." "Here's your complimentary cheese platter." "Do you guys mind doubling up on a fork?" "Are you sure that's it?" "'Cause we paid for the $15.99 Deluxe Package." "Right." "Yep." "And... there you go." "All right." "Deluxe." "So, you can imagine our concern when we heard that you harassed our daughter and then wanted to meet her in the park." "So, should we start with some appetizers?" "Listen, I-I completely understand your concern." "But I think once I explain the situation, we can clear this up pretty quick." "See, when I dropped Brick off at school, he was already having a bad morning." "And when I saw him talking to your daughter," "I misread the situation." "It-- it looked like she was giving him a hard time, so I-I went, and I... talked to her." "And, really, that's..." "all there is to it." "Oh, dad, you forgot the part where you touched her." " Huh?" " You touched her?" "Mm-hmm." "I didn't... touch her." "N-not touch." "I-I-I patted her." "You know, like" "And the point is..." "I already felt bad about Brick, so, like I said, I misread the situation, a-and, for that, I apologize." "Well... don't tell us." "Tell Piper." "D-did Piper not hear what I just said?" "Ooh, how about we get some garlic knots for the table?" "Piper." "Yes?" "I'm sorry I got out of my car and confronted you." "I misread the situation." " Okay?" " I guess." "You guess?" "I wasn't even being mean to him." "I just don't get why you were mean to me." "Because I misread the situation." "It's just I was talking to my friends, and you embarrassed me in front of them." "That kind of thing can stay with you." "I" "I know." "That's why I apologized-- twice." "You know, when an adult confronts you, it can be kind of scary." "I know it's scary." "That's why I'm sitting at a Spaghetti Station apologizing when I should be sitting at work." " Why are you yelling?" " I'm not yelling!" "I'm yelling because you refuse to listen to me, and you apparently don't have any idea how to accept an apology." "When someone says, "I'm sorry," you say, "Okay."" "That's how an apology goes." "Well, you tried." "And you always say," ""If you try your hardest, that's the best you can do."" "Okay." "This one I call the twisted dolphin." "Ooh, head above water!" "Head above the water!" "Whoo." "Hey, maybe I'll get a scholarship for water ballet." "Oh, yeah." "See, Sue?" "This is what I'm talking about." "No 17-year-old kid should be stressing out the way you've been lately." "There's plenty of time for that when you're destroying your boss's dental business." "Mm-hmm." " Mmm." " Ahh." "You know what's funny?" "You are the complete opposite of Axl." "I swear, that kid never worried about college." "I mean, I had to stay on him to make sure every little thing got done." "But you" " I mean, you're always pushing yourself." "That's because I have to." "I mean, it's just hard for me." "I mean, I-I'm not super-smart like Brick." "I'm not an athlete like Axl." "I mean, yeah, I-I've made a couple of teams, but I don't know if you know this." "Some of them I made by accident." "I am just right in the middle." "I'm the middle in my grades, the middle on teams, the middle child..." "the middle everything." "If I were on the college admissions board, why would I pick me?" "I don't stand out in any way." "I am completely average." "Sue..." "listen to me." "You know how much I worry about you?" "This much." "You know why?" "Because you have something" "I have never seen in any other person." "When stuff happens to you, you bounce." "Really?" "Yeah." "And that's huge." "It's something I've always admired about you." "Now, listen, I'm not saying everything comes easy for you." "If it did, you wouldn't be my kid." "But the one thing I do know is that you have so many amazing qualities that can't be measured by the SATs." "Do you know what I am, mom?" "Hmm?" "I am indefatigable." "Yes, you are." " Hmm?" " Ah." "Yep." "Every day with your kids is an adventure." "Sometimes, they frustrate you." "You know, when you think about it, this whole thing started because of my mean math teacher." "I think you two should talk." "I'll set it up." "Sometimes, they inspire you." "I got the Optimist's Scholarship!" "It's for $100!" "I can't believe they picked me." "Aah!" "The world is such a special place." "I can hardly wait for the next moment!" "And sometimes, they eat you out of house and home." "I feel so much stronger now that we put on all that weight." " Hut, hut, hike!" " Oh, we're gonna be unstoppable." "But at the end of the day, it's all..." "Well, there's a word for it." "Never mind." "I'll ask Sue." "But it's all good." "It's good to see you, Mrs. Parker." "Well, I would have been here sooner." "But for some reason, I never got my-- ...reminder." "Wow." " She went out fast, huh?" " Oh." "Well, hey, now that she's under, I guess we have time to sing those songs we wrote for each other." "I'll start." "♪ Frankie, oh, Heck ♪" "♪ the things you do for this office ♪" "♪ Frankie ♪" "♪ you bet you're helping everyone of us ♪" "There's more... ♪ from your typing and your filing to your alphabetizing... ♪"