"Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Dr. Alvin Weasely." "Dr. Weasely is one of the most respected motivational researchers in the country." "Harveys Beer has dropped 84%." "So Dr. Weasely will tell us how the American public really feels about beer." "Dr. Weasely." "Beer is for men who doubt their masculinity." "That's why it's so popular at sporting events and poker games." "On a superficial level... a glass of beer is a cool, soothing beverage." "But in reality... a glass of beer is pee-pee dickey." " That's it." " Beautiful." "Beautiful." "Beautiful." "Beautiful." "Beautiful." ""Pee-pee dickey?"" " We paid for that?" " $28,000, and we got off easy." "The man made some very perceptive statements." "I got it." ""Make it big with Harveys Beer."" "Big foam." "You get a big bang out of it." "Big, proud head." "It's big and it lasts long" "You know, you're about as subtle as an elephant in heat." "That's great." "We'll show an elephant sipping Harveys Beer at the circus." " It's obscene." " Don't moralize, Elias." " We're committed to Harveys Beer." " I'm committed to myself." "Harveys Beer is the worst beer in the market." "It's a loser." "Get rid of it." "There are no losers." "Every product has potential" "It's a stiff." "No, no don't say that." "There's no such thing." "You're a stiff." "I'll not tolerate your self-indulgence." "When your father comes in..." "I'm gonna tell him exactly what you've said." "Just because you were here when my old man started this agency... you know, that doesn't alter the facts." "You've played so many sides of the fence you don't know where the fence is anymore." " I know my job." " Oh, that's beautiful." "If it weren't for your father, you'd be on welfare." "$60,000 a year, and all you can do is wreck the joint." "He's right." "He's not creative, but he knows the rules." "And you gotta know the rules before you can break the rules." " Right." " There's no respect anymore." "He's right, Nathan." "You did your tango 30 years ago." "Fascist!" "Duck hunter loses his rifle... walks seven miles to a cathouse, knocks on the door." "The door opens, the madam says, "Who sent you?"" "He says, "In the '40s, it was Judy Canova and Victor Mature." ""In the '50s, it was Christine Jorgensen and James Dean." ""In the '60s, it was Smith  Wesson."" "That's it." "He was a nice guy." "Can you lend me five?" "Our job is to manipulate the consumer by arousing his desires... and then we satisfy those desires for a fixed price." " Sounds familiar." " It sounds familiar." "It's called advertising." "Yes?" "Thank you." "Elias Sr. just went through the lobby." "Well, let's go." "Let's go, Bissinger." "Our war toy account is up 23% and a third." "Hey, Bissinger, you better get hip to reality." "By advertising toy guns, you're encouraging kids to enjoy violence." "You're only Music Director around here, Swope." "What do you know about the total spectrum?" " I know what I feel." " What's that got to do with it?" " I think we should drop the account." " How dare you!" "Drop the account and show the business community and the public... that we're morally and socially responsible." " Groovy, let's do it." " Thank you." "Putney..." "I've been supervising the war toy account for 1 2 years." "And let me tell you something." "Deny a young boy the right to have a toy gun... and you'll suppress his destructive urges... and he'll turn out to be a homosexual..." " or worse:" " I'd rather have my son be a fag than a killer." "Your son is a fag!" "You took him on the picnic hike, I didn't." "Last year at Malibu, only Jim was a fag." "Two weeks ago, Steve and Ralph came over." "Yesterday, Randy came over." "There it is." "The fraught priest is on the road." "It's 3:00 a.m... he's got a flat tire and it's raining." "So he goes up to this farmhouse" "We're grossing less than $1 million a day... and you're talking about flat tires and farmhouses?" "Get out of my life." "Good morning, Mario." "Good afternoon, Mario." "Every consumer has a small box in his head." "Everyone has a soapbox." "A breadbox." "A cereal box." "A shampoo box." "This box is the target... of $46 billion a year in advertising." "Now, there's only so much room in each box... and if we overload these boxes with too much information... they won't remember anything." "But... if we use... creative foreplay... before we penetrate... we'll..." "Benefit." "Bypass?" "Looks like..." "Sounds like..." "How many syllables, Mario?" "How many syllables, Mario?" "How many syllables, Mario?" "How many syllables, Mario?" "We'll never know." " I'm going to the track." " Have a ball, baby." "What do you think of those cuff links?" "How many syllables, Mario?" "How many syllables, Mario?" "How many syllables, Mario?" "How many syllables, Mario?" "How many syllables, Mario?" "How many syllables, Mario?" "How many syllables, Mario?" "How many syllables, Mario?" "I'm the Senior Vice President, so I'm the new chairman of" "Bullshit." "The corporate bylaws make it very clear... that the only way we can determine a new chairman is by democratic process." "Paragraph 68 specifically states... that nobody can vote for himself." "That's what it says, so that's where it's at." "Vote for me, and I'll get you into the Knights of Columbus." "Vote for me, I'll give you 10% of the business." "25%." "Vote for me... and I'll set you up in Puerto Rico... for life." "I got Puerto Ricans in my building." "Enough carcass." "Let's get the votes in." "How can we talk about who's gonna be chairman of the board... when my father's laying dead on the table?" "Why can't I be chairman of the board?" "Because you're a nitwit." "My father started this agency." "And you're not going to finish it." "Thank you, Valerie." "One for Elias." "Swope." "One for Bissinger." "Swope." "Swope." "Swope." "Swope." "Swope." "Swope." "Swope." "Swope." "That's it." "One vote for Elias, one vote for Bissinger... nine votes for Swope." "Swope, you don't have to accept." "It's a terrible job." "Don't take it, Swope." "Take it easy, Nathan." "I've seen your cardiogram." "It's a mirage." "A man's been elected and you voted for him." "We all voted for him." "Because we thought no one else would vote for him." "Putney Swope is the new chairman of this board." "And I will defend that mistake with my life." "Congratulations, Putney." "It's going to be a pleasure working with you, Swope." "You're gonna make a great chairman... if you stay in line." "My father would've wanted it this way." "He dug you very much." "Your father was a horse's ass." "Yeah." "But he dug you very much." "The changes I'm going to make will be minimal." "I'm not going to rock the boat." "Rocking the boat's a drag." "What you do is sink the boat." "And there's no sense sinking nothing... unless you can salvage with productive alternatives... and, brothers, you can't change nothing with rhetoric and slogans... because if a man's really got the truth in his pocket... he doesn't talk about it." "He hangs it out on a shingle where people can see it." "So, from now on, the name of this agency is..." "Truth and Soul." " T.S., baby." " That's right." "No smoking." "Nathan, you're a good businessman and you're not a cop-out... so I'm going to let you stay." "I want a contract that guarantees me an expense account... stock options, 22 weeks vacation... a company car, a box at Jay Stadium... a percentage of the gross, total creative freedom... transplant insurance and a no-cut clause." " Nathan, you're corrupt." " Thank you." "I've come all the way from Miles City to ask you to be my woman." "It must be my new depilatory, Superlip." "Superlip eliminates peach fuzz and feminine whiskers." "Superlip digs deep down into the hair follicle... instead of just lopping it off at the surface." "Cut!" "Cut!" "I don't believe it." "Again." "There's a bunch of lilies shooting a commercial in our studio." "They must not know about the recent transition." "Well, let's go take care of business." "This chick's from nowhere." "So it's up to you." "lmprovise." "Do something." "I've seen you work at Jones Beach with Guy Lombardo." "I know you can pull it off." "Superlip." "Shot 1." "Take 107." " Action." " Action!" "Lady Beaver..." "I've come all the way from Biloxi to ask you to be my woman." "Wayne." "You do go on." "I have a malignancy in my prostrate" "But when you're in my arms, it's benign" "I don't feel it." " What did you say?" " I am not going to say it." " It is stupid." " Cut." "Listen, sweetie, I could be home writing my novel." "You could be playing Lady Macbeth in some basement." "We're both here, aren't we?" "That's okay." "Let's do it." " Let's do it!" " Let's do it." "I have a malignancy in my prostrate" "But when you're in my arms, it's..." "Quitting time!" "Get on out!" "Yeah, no more taking pictures of no jive cans and jive bottles... and skinny-legged broads with stockings on them." "Get on out of here!" "We're gonna have some greasy fingers and some chicken... and all the beautiful things that people have... who have it." "And you ain't got it." "So get on out." "You understand?" "We're not gonna take any more of your jives." "'Cause we're Truth and Soul, you understand?" "Truth and Soul, 'cause we got it... and we got a brother that's gonna make it right." "We got brother Putney." "Okay." "Every single account pulled out." "I wish I had pulled out." "Too many dependents, baby." "It looks bad." "Swope, I think we're still in the ball game." "Wing Soney just got off the elevator and he's dying to meet you." " Wing Soney?" " Wing Soney." "Wowee." "Hey, man, what's this thing?" "Do-it-yourself Pearl Harbor?" "He's Chinese, Swope." "I don't care what he is." "We're gonna get that account." "Let's go." "Wing Soney, say hello to Putney Swope." "Mr. Swope, I'm not a happy chappy." "The agency that's currently handling my merchandise... is the biggest nosebleed in town." "Now, I have a new item... and I dig to launch it with a new outfit." "So let me tell you about the Get" " Out" " Of" " Here Mousetrap." "The Get" " Out" " Of" " Here Mousetrap is a unique breakthrough... because after it traps a rodent... it chemically cremates." "No flame, no noise, no mouse." "I invented it myself." " Mr. Soney, you're not gonna believe this..." " Then don't tell me." "...but for the past six minutes..." "I've been working on a whole new approach to mousetraps." "Lay it on them, Nathan." "Columbus is on the Santa Maria." "The crew's Italian." "Columbus walks down the gangplank... and waiting at the bottom is a middle-aged Indian." "Columbus knocks the Indian on his ass... and sticks the Spanish flag in the ground." "And out of the bushes comes a 75-year-old squaw... with a cleft head, and an ax in her back." "But the Indian starts to cry... because he knows he's going to be exploited." "Columbus puts his arm around the Indian, points to the crew, and says..." ""In exchange for your land, I'll give you 50 guineas."" "Cut to a shot of a Get" " Out" " Of" " Here Mousetrap... tell him how much it costs, where you buy it, and that's it." "It's the most fantastic thing I ever heard." "Who's your shrink?" "I dig it." " I dig it." " I dig it." "My mousetrap is yours." "You've revitalized me, Swope." "This way." "I'm a happy chink." "We did it, Swope." "We did it." " You're fired." " Why?" "That Columbus thing is the worst thing I ever heard." "I thought it was brilliant." "That's why you're taking the next elevator." " Hey, you a messenger for T.S.?" " Yes, sir." " From now on, use the freight elevator." " Yes, sir." "I just heard about the Get" " Out" " Of" " Here campaign." "It's a trailblazer, Swope." "Your master conception is a masterpiece." "Why, it's already a classic." "As far as I'm concerned, you're my man." "I would like to discuss the possibility of you handling my account." "Would you?" "I'm with the Audie Murphy Toy Company." "We just came out with a junior miss flamethrower... that runs on ordinary lighter fluid... and next week, we're coming out with a heavy-duty model... for the back-to-college group." "It features an after-burner and five-second reloading... with disposable propane cassettes." "I want to have nothing to do with war toys or cigarettes... and do something about your breath." "Tell me what you like." "I'll go out and make it." "I'll produce it, you push it." "You and me, Swope." "If you stiffs want T.S. to do your advertising... it's gonna cost you a million bucks up front." "Cash." "That's hallway robbery, Swope." " That's an outrage." " The price is right." "But I can't come up with a million bucks in cash." "Me, neither." "Forget it, baby." "If your sales don't increase by 50%, you'll get a complete refund." " I'm in, Swope." " Me, too." " You and me, Swope." " Don't forget me." " Pit Stop deodorant." " Dinkleberry's chicken pot pies." "Jim Keranga of Watts, California... is eating a bowl of Ethereal Cereal... the heavenly breakfast food." "Jim, did you know that Ethereal Cereal has twice as much vitamin B... as any other leading cereal?" "Ethereal also has the added punch... of.002 ESP units of pectin." "No shit!" "Dinkleberry's chicken pot pies." "Ground rules:" "give us the name of your product, what it's supposed to do... then take a walk." "We don't need your ideas." "We don't need your advice." "And we don't need lames in the hallway." "Lucky Airlines." "Introducing Miss Redneck, New Jersey..." "Eugenie Ferliger." "Eugenie is 23." "She's 5'4", and weighs 117 pounds." "She has blue eyes and blonde hair with matching cuffs and collar." "Eugenie is a graduate of the Sawbone/T-bone Diner in Redneck... where she majored in philosophy." "She's a social worker and her favorite hobby is emasculation." "Eugenie, in 25 words or less... would you tell us what your philosophy is?" "Well..." "I believe that everyone... no matter their race, creed or color... should get a piece of the action." "A piece of the what, Eugenie?" " A piece of the pie." " Right." "Confidentially, folks, I never thought she'd get that line." "Oh, fuck off, Bert!" "Everybody wants a Dinkleberry Frozen Chicken Pot Pie... and they'll do anything to get it." "Who did that?" "You do that?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "I didn't do it." "Then what are you doing, taking her temperature?" "Boss, don't fire me." "I got a wife, three kids and a shuttling pony." "You should've thought of that before you dipped your pen in company ink." "Oh, man, give me a break." "I'm in love." "All right, you get one more chance." "But she's got to go." "What do you mean, I gotta go?" "That's right." "Just 'cause you got a pair of jugs don't mean you rule the world." "That's right." " Mr. Swope." " Clean out your locker." "Up yours." "Didn't mean to put down your jugs, baby, but... gotta protect my interest." " Mark Focus is waiting in reception." " Thank you." "Great window cleaner." "Don't drip and it don't streak." "But it smells bad." "Cleans good, but it smells bad." "As a window cleaner, forget it." "Put soybeans in it for protein... and we'll push it as a soft drink in the ghetto." "Lay a picture of a Rhythm and Blues singer on it... and we'll call it Victrola Cola." " I think we got a winner." " We better." "Or you and that jism are gonna be back in that drugstore where I found you." "Yes, sir." "Okay." "If your lip was hip, you wouldn't need no jip." " Sell rolls, that is." " How you sound?" "I don't know, baby, but wherever I'm sounding from..." "I'm stacked up and I'm gonna stay stacked up." "But I wanna know about this Putney dude." "And the faggot at the Traffic Department." "There's a blonde faggot in the Traffic Department." "Next time he bends over to pick up the paperclips, General..." "I'm gonna sock it to him right in his keister." "Does he like dudes?" "I don't know, man, but he's got a boss little round ass... in them tight bell-bottom pants." "I know that." "Well, if you're tripping, and you're going that way..." "No, my johnson get hard, Jim." "It knows no discrimination." "Yeah, discrimination, huh?" "No, my johnson get hard, everything goes." " Jism is okay, but you can can the trollops." " Mr. Swope." "Mark Focus." "I did that for Hertz." "That's Colgate." "That's a Nabisco." " That's ibm." " I've seen enough, Mark." "You're one of the best photographers in the business." "Thank you." "This printout I'm working on is perfect for you." "If it's me, it's $9,000." "$9,000?" "I just want a picture of a light bulb with lipstick on it." "Make it $6,000." "Hey, man, it's going in the newspaper, not an art gallery." " $1,200 is the best I can do." " Forget it." "$350." "I'll do it for nothing." "I need the work." "I can get anybody for nothing." "Take a walk." "Boss." "Who do you think you are, Lawrence of Nigeria?" "At least I ain't jive." "Big man." "Wanna have din-din?" "Why have dinner?" "I'm at 1 293 Lennox." "Apartment 4C." "I got to be straight with you, girl." "I'm engaged." "Keep it to yourself." "Swope..." "I'm gonna bend your johnson." "I'm ready." "I'm gonna make you young again." "Where is Lopez?" " Where you at, man?" " Stratosphere, baby, stratosphere." "I'm stacked up over at La Guardia, and I'm not coming down for nobody." "Not even you." "Mr. Swope." "Brother's in the black room." " Putney." "Putney!" " Brother's in the black room." "Sonny Williams, our copywriter, just got busted at Radio City." "He was sitting in the first row and when the Rockettes came on... he opened and closed his raincoat and exposed himself." "Bad PR." "Tell Sonny next time he shows it, I'll make him a creative director." "Sonny, if you don't straighten up... we're gonna send you to Hollywood as a choreographer." "Putney, we just sold 1 7 new accounts and Cowboy says we have $156 million." "Mr. Swope, Brother's in the black room." "Putney, there's trouble in the black room." "Mr. Swope, brother's in the black room." "Just you and me, Swope." "You and me." "I deal with housing in the community." "Bad plumbing, bad heating and bad rats." "The only way to set this thing straight... is with self-determination, self-respect and self-defense." "We don't go for Jesus no more." "Violence is a cleansing force." "We must adjust ourselves to the level of our audience... which is pretty low." "Non-violence has proven to be non-functional." "So, it's guns, baby." "The end result will be our own political, social, economic future." "My organization is pro-integration." "We're not hostile like these other groups." "We can't do it illegally, we'll do it legitimately." " You know, up front." " Tanks, cocktails." "Guns, baby." "The pigs must cease the brutality, destruction and murder... of our brothers and sisters." "Or they'll suffer the consequences from the armed people of the community." "Bazookas." "Tanks." "Flamethrowers." "My organization is pro-integration." "We're not hostile like these other groups." " Lay some bread on it." " Guns, baby." "A gun is not gonna get your job." "It'll eliminate the competition." "Who the hell wants a job?" " You better get yourself a piece." " Lay some bread on it." "Lay some bread on it." "Lay some bread on it." "My group doesn't need your money, man." "But what we can use is your help on another level." "I believe... that together with your power and my structure... we could create a subliminal tremor throughout the land... by using the advertising that comes out of your toilet." "A word here... a phrase there... innuendoes... and subtleties." "Lay some bread on it." "And when the time is right, man, we move in for the kill." " No mercy, stamp on the" " What about the bread?" "Tap City." "When my ship comes in, I'll call you." "You're a sham." "I'm gonna pull the covers off of you." "You ain't pulling the covers off of nobody." "...mixed media..." "Hey, man." "You're just the cat I wanted to see, man." "I was looking all around for you, Jim." "Do you know what, man?" "Like, I'm tired, I'm fed up, I can't take no more..." "I can't stand no more of Putney Swope, man." "Like, he's got to go, man." "'Cause this cat is a jive cat, you understand?" "You know what, man?" "Like, I have been jugging his old lady." "Do you dig this?" "And this cat has never said nothing to me, man." "I have called him out many a times in front of all the people around here... who kiss this cat's ass, man." "I don't kiss his ass." "'Cause I call it like it is, man." "This man caught me with his woman, and still, this cat can't get rid of me... 'cause I got the power, you understand?" "I got the power, I got the talent, and I've got everything that this cat wants." "He keeps me around here because I make him look good, you understand?" "And I'm tired of making this cat look good." "Are you ready to die?" "Man, I'm ready to die." "I'm ready to go anywhere... do anything, see anybody... walk, talk, smart, be anything... to do what I got to do, man." "I'm died." "Died means nothing to me, man." "You know, I always wanted to get things straight around here... 'cause Putney Swope is a jive cat, man." "He can't talk, he can't walk, he can't sit." "Man, this cat can't do nothing right." "He was voted in here on a hummer." "Mr. Swope, I'm tired of doing commercials." "I wanna do something more creative." " Pick up your severance pay." " Why?" "Did I ask you why when you said you wanted to do something more creative?" "Nope." "I feel like an Oreo cookie." "You like a pile of shit." "Are you putting me on?" " Where you been, Put?" " Mecca." "The man says he's the President of the United States." "Yeah?" "Putney Swope?" "Yeah." "What do you mean, "yeah" ?" "Be congenial." "I want to extend to you my deepest congratulation." "It's very, very important to have a boy like you... in such a prominent position." "It's good for me." "It's good for you." "And it might keep the summers cool." "I like your style, Swope." "So I'm gonna throw some business your way." "I never chase foul balls." "You are lot of laughs." "Next time I'm up in Big Town... we'll get together and shoot up or something." "What you want, man?" "Mr. Six, the man who owns the Borman Six is a friend of mine." "Take care of him." "Quick." "Looks good." "He'll come around." "Thank you." "Excellent, Mimeo." "I like the way you handle yourself on the telephone." "You're nobody's fool." "Except, perhaps, mine." "But I'm glad I chose you for this job." "You've justified my faith in you." "However, Mimeo, there is one question." "This business about shooting up in the Big Town." "After all, a man in your position... which is a rather strange position... you have justified my confidence in having chosen... such a big man for this assignment." "There are, however, one or two points I would like to bring up." "After all, I'm sure Barnum and Bailey wouldn't mind having you back." "So, please, I suggest you be a little more careful." "Mrs. Mimeo, you play divinely." "Perhaps you would like to play for me sometime." "Nice wife you have there, Mimeo." "It would be most unfortunate, would it not, if anything should happen to her?" "Don't worry, Mr. Six, the Borman Six gonna be okay." "I hope you're right, Mimeo, for your sake." "But now, we have a moment of joviality." "We relax, you, Ruthie and I, we sit down, we partake of a bit of grass..." "I've got some good shit." "Tell me something, Mimeo, do you have the new Maximilian Schell album?" "I love rock 'n ' roll." "Perhaps The Electric Pygmy." "Ruthie, you're looking lovely as ever, my dear." "From now on, if outsiders wanna talk to me, they're gonna talk in my face." "No more telephones." "Too much communication." "If you take out the phones, how are we going to conduct business?" " With your head and your soul." " That's right." "That's unrealistic." "If you want reality, I'm gonna put you back on the streets." "The dude's right." "We don't need phones." "I can get a message to California quicker than you can make a phone call." " How?" " The drum." " Say what?" " The drum." " What's that?" " Vibrations." "Out, O'Dinga." "You're finished." "I heard you fired Mr. O'Dinga." " How did you find out?" " The drum." "Hey, Lopez says this place is crazy." "Who's Lopez?" " He's in my head." " That's right." "I've been running this tree hut just like it was run before." "Straight into the ground." "I've made a few innovations, but not enough." "I have a feeling that there's a lot of untapped talent around here." "So, beginning right now, I want each and every one of you... to conceive, write, produce and execute your own campaign." "If you don't think you can come up with something new... then don't come up with nothing." "And if you don't feel that you're the creative type... then pitch in and help somebody else with what they're doing." "Creative juices are flowing in my vein, man." "You've liberated my muse." "Picture a foxy chick sitting on a park bench... the camera zooms underneath her dress... and you cut to a train coming out of a tunnel." "It's a commercial for the Long lsland Railroad." " Like, it's surreal man, surreal." " Are you for surreal?" "I don't have any ideas... but it's good to know that if I ever do..." "I will be able to try them out." "I just came up with three names for teenage skin creams." "No" " Blem, Squeeze No, and Face Off." " Get rid of him." " Mr. Swope..." "I think we should do all our commercials in sepia." "And instead of having coffee breaks..." " we should have watermelon breaks." " Get rid of him, too." "Hey, here's a poem I wrote when I was in jail." ""Life is about a relentless journey to a path of oncoming screeching cars" ""with headlights of boredom and a bumper of social responsibility."" "Mr. President, did you hear about the woman who asked her husband... to walk out to the garbage can with her?" ""Are you out of your mind?" replied her husband." ""Not at all," replied the wife." ""I'd like the neighbors to know we go out together once in a while."" "Mr. President, did you hear about the fellow who was 9'8 "... and wore a size 22 shoe?" "And do you know what he did for a living?" "He stamped out forest fires." "Mimeo... what is that?" "The game warden wanted me to throw it back." "But I put up such a fight that they mounted it." "Mr. President, this fellow who went down to Florida to do a demonstration..." " a benefit show" " This is a real funny man." " Funny man." " In a benefit show." "And they put up... a special platform, with a trap door." "Mimeo, who is this schmuck you have hired, babbling in your ear, over and over:" ""Mr. President, Mr. President" ?" "What banality!" "Mr. President." "And this fellow's show was so terrible that when the trap door opened..." " if it wasn't for the fact..." " If you'd like a toke he had a rope around his neck..." " ...he would have broken his legs." " Come on, it'll put hair on your nose." "And he couldn't kick." "Yeah, he is funny!" "Actually, when I think about it, I knew he was funny." "Mr. President?" "Mr. President?" "Mr. President?" "Mr. President?" "Hey, it's cold in here." "Throw another Jew on the fire!" "Mr. President?" "Mr. President." "There were three women in Florida" "Mr. President, there were three women in Florida" " He's like a stupid baby." " Describing what once..." "Mr. President." "Mr. President." "Mr. President." "It started last weekend" "At the Yale" " Howard game" "Girl, I saw your beaver flash" "I'll never be the same" "Oh, no" "You gave me a soul kiss" "Boy, it sure was grand" "You gave me a dry hump" "Behind the hotdog stand" "Oh, yeah" "I used to have pimples" "But I made them disappear" "He faced life with Face Off" "It made his skin so clear" "A pimple is simple" "If you treat your pimples right" "My man uses Face Off" "He's really out of sight" "And so are his pimples" "I just created a skin cream called Face Off." "And I just come up with a whole new concept for the Long lsland Railroad." " I love you, baby." " I love you." " I love you, baby." " I love you." " I love you, baby." " I love you." "Did you take your pill?" "You'll never know." "Is Mr. Swope in?" "Uh-huh." "This is President Mimeo." " Yeah?" " Putney?" " Yeah." " Guess who." " Marcus Garvey." " Nope." " Try again." " President Mimeo." " How did you guess?" " I used to be an exterminator." "You might be saying, "I used to have an agency"... if you don't get moving on the Borman Six." "Why are you so hung up on the Borman Six?" "I'm a stockholder." " Let me sleep on it." " Good night, pal." "Out." "Swope." "Mark Focus." "What do you want?" "Did that for Hertz, that's Colgate..." " Nabisco" " I seen enough, Mark." "You're one of the best photographers in the business." " Thank you." " Take a walk." "Mr. President?" "Mark Focus." "I did this for Kennedy." "I did this for Johnson." "I did this for Nixon." "And this was the Agnell Funeral." "Have you a picture of Raquel Welch?" "Would you like to join us?" "Did you vote for me?" "Well, it's okay." "Beach Club Sundae." "Come up with an idea for the Borman Six." "I know nothing about automobiles." "Give me an idea for the Borman Six." "All right, if I ever think of anything..." "I'll let you know." "Did you think of something?" " The Borman Six, nitwit." " Listen, Swope... if you want me to come up with ideas, get me a license." "Take me down to city hall and do what's right." " Forget it." " You forget it." "Mr. Swope, congratulations." "What about the Borman Six?" "Oh, all right." " What are they going to feature next year?" " Defects, pollution, velvet safety belts..." " strobe headlights, fiberglass windshields" " Okay." "You got to get a young girl with soul." "You better get moving on that freight elevator." "Sonny Williams got picked up in the Bronx Holiday Inn... with a 13-year-old girl." "At least he's not superstitious." "Your lawyer, who's his lawyer, wants to be the prosecuting attorney." "Get Sonny Williams in here." "Now." "Would you like to come over to my house and have some dainties?" " I don't exercise." " Don't put me down." "I can't sleep because of you." "That's why I've got these valises under my eyes." " I'm in love with you, Myron X." " My name is Rufus." "I don't care what your name is." "You're my man." " I'm not your man." " Yes, you are." "I'm not your man, and I never will be." "I don't care what you say to me." "You're my biggest fantasy." "I dream about you every night." "That's okay." "Just don't send me the laundry bill." "Putney says the Borman Six girl... is got to have soul." "Putney says the Borman Six girl... is got to have soul." "Putney says the Borman Six girl... is got to have soul!" "Got to have soul!" "Putney says the Borman Six girl is..." " Best shit on me." " Yeah." "Excuse me, Mr. Swope, could I speak to you a minute?" "Sure." "Mr. Swope..." "I do exactly the same job as the other executives." "But I don't make as much money as they do." "I don't think that's right." "If I give you a raise, everybody's gonna want a raise." "And if I give them a raise, they'll still be making more money than you." "And we'll be right back where we started." "I'd never thought of it that way." "And that's why you get less money." "'Cause you don't think." "Thank you." "I believe this." "This girl... she's got to have soul." "Don't you believe this?" "She's got to have soul." "Putney says she's got to have soul." "Right?" "See, she's got to have soul." "Putney says she's got to have soul." "Don't you believe she's got to have soul, this girl, huh?" "Let's go." "Let's go." "You can't eat an air conditioner." "Beautiful, give everyone a $10 raise." "What about the messengers?" "They charge an arm and a leg in there, but it's worth it." " What's that for?" " Worth It Life Insurance." "Will the passenger holding... lucky winning ticket 5- 8- 6... repeat, 5- 8- 6... please report to the special lucky prize room, at the rear of the aircraft?" "Go Lucky Airlines." " Who did that?" " You did." "It was your idea." "Not bad, not bad." "We'll have 1 2 more by sundown." "I want these on the air by tomorrow night." "Putney, in my humble opinion... these commercials are tasteless." "Putney, Myron X said you were tasteless." "You said we were gonna do things with integrity and style." "What we're doing is worse than anything our predecessors ever done." "Them commercials are literal, and they're disgusting." "And by advocating such filth..." "Putney is confusing obscenity with originality." "Let me un-confuse you, baby." "Everybody that was in these commercials, you fired!" "Ain't one of them around!" "And I know you a jive cat... 'cause you done made your last mistake you ever gonna make, mister." "I seen that nonsense you trying to show us here." "You trying to dupe everybody in this joint." "Now, what is this?" "We done taken the last bit of your nonsense, man." "I'm not gonna take all this crap." "Everybody knows you're a jive nigger." "You done pulled all this jive shit." "Your mother had a creative idea when she borne you... and you had to go and blow that!" "Then you gonna come and try to show us all this crap." "A nigger sitting up there eating cornflakes." "Man, you ain't had nothing original since you got here." "You stole the idea about Borman Six." "You got it from your wife!" "Now you gonna tell me that's a lie?" "One night, she told me herself." "And that little nephew who gave you that idea for that other thing... and you got rid of him." "Ain't nobody around who help you in anything." "Everybody either been shut up, cut up, or been put out." "Can't you see this trash this man is trying to sell us?" "Look at you in the highwater pants." "You jive nigger, look at you... two-button suit?" "Now what kind of suit is that?" "You're supposed to be a soul brother." "Look at this brother's hair." "Everybody's dressed up like pride and dignity." "You ain't got none." "Now what kind of godfather..." "This company runs because I'm here." "And I'm going to hate you if you don't get right." "And you ain't right, and I hate you." "I hate you, you understand?" "I hate you because you a jive cat." "You ain't got nothing inside!" "You got to go." "You got to go or I got to go, and I'm not going." "How do you like that?" "He ain't got a thing inside him... he ain't nothing but a shell." "Hey, man, you better let me go!" "I'm gonna get him!" "Shit!" "Hands off me!" " Cut." " Cut." "What do you think?" "Keep the money, Swope." "But don't put it on the air, or I'll be out of business." " What's wrong with it?" " Too much tail-pipe." "Listen, you." "You lucky I'm pushing this death trap." "I don't play." "Goes on the air tomorrow night." " What the hell are you doing?" " Making a delivery." "You better make it down the stairs, and come back up the freight elevator." " It's 36 flights." " I don't care what it is." "Why do I have to take the freight elevator?" "I'm not a package." "Because it's custom." "It's policy." "Love you, Walter." "I love you more than anything else in the world." " I'll see you later." " I love you, Walter." "I love you too, Mother." "You know you're not supposed to serve food without something on your head." "I don't want your hair in my food." "I told you a hundred times." " All right." " Get in the kitchen." "Honey, I'm sorry about this sandwich." "That tile man's got the kitchen so stacked high with tiles... cook can't cook anything." "I'd send the damn tiles back... but you know we're having a dinner party on Friday." "You see, it's terribly difficult to run such a big house, but then..." "I really do think it's important this house is run well." "And I'm not like, washing windows here." "I'm sort of secretary in a very old-fashioned way." "Mr. Swope, do you think that your approach to advertising... will encourage young people to go into advertising?" " I hope not." " Well, do you conceive your creations... under the influence of drugs?" "Hey, Swope, what do you think of the Panthers?" "They look good against the Bulldogs, but they need more depth at quarterback." "Last night between 8:00 and 10:00, only 14% of the usual amount of people... left the house to buy newspapers and ice cream." "In essence, your commercials were so good that nobody left the house... to buy anything or burn anything." "Would you comment on that?" "I think anything I would say would just be redundant." "Mr. Swope, where have you been all these years?" "Laying in the cut." "Mr. Putney, did you sleep with your wife before you married her?" "Not a wink." "What is your position on the checkerboard of life?" "ls it true, do you refuse to advertise war toys, cigarettes..." " and alcoholic beverages?" " You said it." "Where did you get the name "Truth and Soul" ?" " In the streets." " Excuse me, Mr. Swopes." "Gourmet magazine says your commercials are tasteless... and that you should be censored." "Now my question is... in what direction are you heading?" "I'm going uptown." "Can I give anybody a lift?" "Get off of my short, baby!" "You little bitch." "What are you doing out here?" "Get your ass in that house immediately." "Go on, move." "What do you think I have you for, anyway?" "Come on." "Get in here, you motherfucker, get in!" "I believe Mr. Swope asked you to use the freight elevator." " Since when is that your business?" " Since right now." "And if I catch you using that elevator again, I'm going to tell Mr. Swope." " Is that Mr. Swope?" " That's him, baby." " Mr. Swope?" " Putney." "Putney." "Sonny Williams again." "He was a guest on Dating Game, and when he didn't win... he stood up and exposed himself again." "CBS went off the air for seven hours." "Bail him out and get him in here." "Mr. Swope, I'm Sister Basilica, and this here is Billy Reilly." "Billy's an orphan, and he wants to be your pal." "Now, if you want to be Billy's pal, all you have to do is... fill out the necessary papers, and take him out of the settlement once a week." "You know, you can take him out to lunch, or take him for a ride" " You're taking me for a ride." " Oh, be a pal." " Shouldn't you be at school?" " Fuck you." "And fuck the establishment." "And fuck you people who are trying to make me... part of the unestablished establishment." "All right." "I'll pick you up tomorrow at 11:00." "I'll take you to the zoo... then we'll go to the ball game." "Why don't you just adopt me and get it over with?" "Don't push me, pal." "Whatever you decide, don't do it out of guilt." "Bless you." "If this stiff comes through, we have it made." "Come on." "Brother, you were voted in here on a jive hummer." "Now how, when, are things gonna happen, man?" "Your whole cart has been pimped." "When are thing gonna start to change?" "Where's the revolution you were talking about?" "There ain't nothing happening, there is no revolution... the way you're running this joint, man." "Now, when is something gonna happen?" "When are you going to do it?" "When and how?" "What day?" "Give me a time, man." "Show me how progress is gonna be made." "There ain't no progress the way this is running now." "Putney, this is Sonny Williams." "What do you got to say for yourself, Sonny?" "Don't feel bad." "It's okay." "Now, there's a man who is doing something." "That is a revolution, man, don't you understand?" "When are you gonna start?" "When are you gonna do something?" "Putney, the President of the United States wants to see you in three hours." "He says that he'll meet you halfway so it's all set for Philadelphia." "Mr. Swope?" "Mark Focus." "I did this for Hertz, that's Colgate... that's Nabisco, that's ibm." "Did this for Mr. Swope." "That's Rockefeller." " That's Rockefeller." " What are you gonna do for me?" "What are you, nuts?" " We made it, Put." " It's phenomenal." "We've thrown a tremendous hump into the cooling industry." " Who told you to open your mouth?" " No one." "It just happened." "All right." "I created Face Off." "I conceived the Borman Six... and don't forget the mousetrap." "The rest of you people took old ideas, and broken down concepts... and embellished them with a sense of show business." "Now, that's not enough." "When I see things that ain't fresh, I get butterflies in my ulcer." "So from now on, you got to come up with completely original fantasies." "Stop looking at the tube." "Stop reading magazines and newspapers..." " and don't talk to strangers." "And don't" " Mr. Swope?" "Get on the freight elevator." " Get rid of him." " What do want me to do with him?" "Get him a gig with the President." "First day on the job and you get to meet President Mimeo." "I'll take him off." "How do you like my demonstrators, Swope?" "I put them in front of your building, 'cause you won't advertise cigarettes... war toys, and alcoholic beverages." "And that's discrimination." "I also hear you flipped over the Borman Six." "Bum trip, Swope." "If you keep discriminating against those products..." "I'm gonna keep up the demonstration." "It's a small world, Swope." "Don't cross me." " Let's move out." " Say "please."" "I said move out!" "Back to welfare, Trigger." "Okay, move out." "Rent yourself a short, schmuck!" "Hing!" "My word, "Hing" !" "Maybe Hingleberry or Hingsaurio." "Hing spells nothing, begins nothing possible unto Webster." "It is my very, very own Hing!" "Hing in the teeth of the wind, and in the faces of governments and men." "Hing!" "Hing uninvited, Hing unexcited..." "Hing retiring into his own Hinghood!" "I built a wooden Hing once, and fooled no one." "I painted Hing in oils and ran out of canvas." "But I shall follow wherever Hing lead... till Hing vanish into darkness." "My word, "Hing" !" " Get everybody into the conference room." " Got it." "Put that out." "Lunger cigarettes, Swope, what do you say?" "Daly War Toys." "We just came out with a new game called "Cops and Demonstrators."" "Bull Connor Bourbon." "You name the price, Swope." "Lunger cigarettes, Swope, what do you say?" "Ethereal Cereal." "You saved me." " Fill this up." " Right." "I want everybody to drop whatever they're doing... and start thinking up ideas for Bull Connor Bourbon..." "Lunger cigarettes, and a new game called Cops and Demonstrators." "I thought you said we wasn't going to advertise that kind of stuff." " I changed my mind." " I thought only women changed their mind." " The man's copping out." " What did you say?" " I said you're a cop-out." " Get out of here!" " And don't come back either." " Shit." "You're a punk." "If you wasn't my brother, I'd kill you." "I want these campaigns ready by 5:00 sharp." " Are you sure you want to do this?" " I already done it." "What do you really want to do?" "Advertise garbage or do what's right?" "Both." "The man's a genius." "Good people." "I tested them but they did not cop." " You mean that whole scene was a put-on?" " That's right." "There's $8 million and change here." "Figure what's left and divide it up equally." "Forget the messengers and forget the Arab." "Beautiful, baby, beautiful!" "Putney, if you want to push cigarettes and booze..." " it's all right with me." " That's right." "Putney, I don't care what you advertise, as long as I get my raise." "Brother, if you want to advertise crap, that's your prerogative." " You're my man." " That's right." "I'm with you, Put." "Whatever the hell you wanna do, I'm with you." "You're a genius, Putney." "Do your thing." "Putney, I hear you're splitting up the money equally." " That's good." " How did you find out?" " The drum." " The drum should have told you..." " you ain't getting a penny." " If I don't get my piece by sundown... your ass is mine." "Hey!" "Do you have my bread, brother?" "The man says you gets nothing, Arab." "What?" "Man, you better get your story straight." "What you talking about?" "The drum says equal shares for everybody." "And everybody means me." "Don't you understand, mister?" "So come out your dream world... and get your story straight, man." "Before I get hot here... and I have to tell my cousin Sirhan Saran Wrap." "The man says you gets nothing." "You gets nothing." "The man say I get nothing." "Then I gets nothing." " You got a light?" " Right."