"If a bucket of paint falls on a man's head, that's funny." "If the bucket fractures his skull at the same time and kills him, that's not funny." "It's tragic." "And yet, if a man falls into a sausage machine and is sold in the shops at so much a pound, that's funny." "It is also tragic." "So, why is it funny?" "I don't know, but what I do know is that somewhere within this very difficult area lies the secret of all black comedy." "The play you're going to see now is one of those blackish comedies, and thanks to the presence of two famous stars, it's come out a good deal funnier than I was ever able to make it on paper." "Lady Turton, who ran her husband's newspaper empire as aggressively as she ran his house in Norfolk, didn't know that Sir Basil had invited an extra guest for the weekend-- John Bannister." "Gently." "It's irreplaceable." "Jelks?" "Milady..." "What is going on?" "Basil?" "Basil?" "Have you gone out of your mind?" "Hello, my dear." "What on earth is this tradesman's van doing at the front?" "My latest acquisition." "Quite wonderful" "Basil, what will my guests think?" "Really, Basil, you've no style-- no style at all!" "This way." "[Chimes ringing]" "Here." "[Clock striking]" "[Car horn honking]" "[Car horn honking]" "Evening, Jelks." "JELKS:" "Good evening, sir." "Who else have we got for the weekend?" "Hardly anyone, sir-- yourself and Miss Carmen La Rosa, and a young friend of Sir Basil's," "I believe, sir." "The young chap blocking the drive?" "Very possible, sir." "Good-looking, is he?" "Presentable?" "Bit of young blood?" "I have no idea, sir." "You'll find Lady Turton in the library, sir." "Thank you." "Send up my bags, will you?" "I'll change first." "Isn't she beautiful?" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Ah, you made it." "Good." "Well, what do you think?" "She's just arrived." "I like it." "She looks better than when we saw her last in the sale room, don't you think?" "No comparison." "Oh, I realize I paid over the odds, but we couldn't let her go to Dusseldorf, could we?" "Anyway, I had to have her." "She fills a real gap in my collection." "I like the way he's used the natural grain of the wood." "Don't tell Lady Turton that." "She hates what she calls "art talk."" "MAN:" "Can't imagine what he was doing, young idiot." "Hmm." "A young man in a sports car." "Parked his pedal car all over the drive." "I blasted him with my horn." "[Laughing]" "Jelks tells me he's Basil's guest." "LADY TURTON:" "Hmm." "I say, does he ride?" "Oh, we'll have to see." "If he's Basil's guest, he's bound to be a drip." "[Laughter]" "Well, now, I take that back." "SIR BASIL:" "My dear, may I introduce John Bannister." "We happened to meet at Sotheby's." "Oh, Basil haunts that place." "Every honest penny I earn, he spends on art." "How do you do?" "How do you do, Lady Turton?" "Oh, Natalia, please." "Basil, do give this presentable young man a drink." "Come." "JELKS:" "Allow me, sir." "Carmen, John." "Carmen La Rosa." "How do you do?" "Are you horsy?" "Not really, no." "Oh." "Then we won't have anything to say to each other." "What do you do?" "I'm an art historian." "[Chokes]" "Oh, my God!" "How awful for you." "Jelks, get me another martini." "I've just met an art historian." "Oh, I think you've met Jack" "Major Haddock." "In a way, yes." "How do you do?" "Evening." "Stupid place to leave a car." "I was admiring the view." "Don't we all?" "Basil, for God's sake, take our guest upstairs." "I cannot stand tweeds after 6:00." "I can't wait to see you in a black tie." "There's an admired view of the garden, sir." "The bathroom in here." "Beware of the flush, sir." "It's quite powerful." "Oh, thank you." "Dinner at 7:30, sir." "Thank you." "Don't bother with the" "No bother, sir." "That catch is rather tricky." "I seem to have got the better of it, sir." "Look, there's hardly anything to hang up." "I just threw in a few things." "Quite, sir." "Just a weekend bag." "Look, really," "I'd rather you didn't." "Do you play bridge, sir?" "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do." "Ah, well, then, you'll be doubly welcome here, sir, believe me." "They play a lot of bridge, do they?" "Yes, sir." "And poker and gin rummy, but Sir Basil prefers bridge." "I see you favor the modern approach to evening dress, sir." "What?" "Snap on, snap off." "It's a bit creased." "You launder it yourself, sir?" "It's drip dry." "Quite." "I can't wear man-made fabrics myself." "I find the static electricity it generates inconvenient." "One tends to give off blue flashes in the dark." "That will be all, Jelks." "Oh, but your pumps, sir." "Pumps?" "Your evening footwear, sir." "They may require polish, possibly." "No." "No, they're fine, really." "Very well, sir." "I'll just leave you to it, then." "Thank you." "Thank you, sir." "Yes, of course." "I never accept emolument, sir." "No tips?" "If I might offer a little further advice, sir?" "Yes?" "It's simply that her ladyship does somewhat tend to overbid her hand." "Thank you, Jelks." "Oh, one further point, sir." "At dinner" "Yes?" "Her ladyship's right foot doesn't always seem to know what her left foot is doing." "That will be all, Jelks!" "I sincerely hope so, sir." "So, what exactly do you specialize in as an art historian?" "Oh, Renaissance." "Oh." "Basil used to call me his Memling Madonna, but I always saw myself more like that." "The telephone, milady." "Oh, no." "What a bore." "Who is it?" "The editor of the "Sunday Globe,"" "milady." "[Sighs]" "I am a slave to Basil's inheritance." "Now, his father-- what a magnificent man he was." "Basil, wasn't your father a magnificent man?" "Yes, dear." "Very forthright... like you." "Mmm." "Brilliant." "Built an international newspaper empire out of the coarse "Fisherman's Gazette."" "Such animal magnetism, even on his deathbed." "But does his son take after him?" "Well..." "The editor is waiting, milady." "He needs to know how many nudes you require for the front page of the northern edition, milady." "Thank you, Jelks." "I shall tell him to think big." "[Laughter]" "Amazing woman." "One for the book, eh?" "Yes." "Tell me, what do you think of Basil's art collection?" "Load of rubbish?" "Quite the reverse." "Oh." "Don't know what you chaps see in it." "Well, for a start, it must be worth millions." "Really?" "Well, that's put the fear of God into him." "Oh, Basil, haven't you finished eating yet?" "He is the slowest eater in the world." "Nibble, nibble, nibble." "Thank you, Jelks." "Tell cook the poached salmon was abominable." "With pleasure, milady." "I know how she values your opinion." "Splendid dinner." "I feel very replete." "MAJOR HADDOCK:" "Well, what's it to be tonight:" "gin rummy, liar dice, strip poker?" "Bridge." "One spade." "3 clubs." "3 hearts." "No bid." "3 no trumps." "No bid." "No bid." "No bid." "Must you always bid 3 no trumps, Basil?" "It makes the game so dull, so unadventurous." "Not if one wins, dear." "What's the idea, man?" "I didn't ask for another scotch." "No, sir, but as things are looking, you may well need one, sir." "Are you still losing?" "May I enquire the score, sir?" "No, you may not." "In fact, Jelks, you can go to bed." "This is our last hand." "Very good, milady." "Mr. Bannister and I are 1,200 up, Jelks." "How very gratifying, sir." "Good night, sir." "Ah." "No go." "It's all yours." "We overbid, Natalia." "I've told you before." "Oh, Jack, no postmortems." "You know I can't stand postmortems." "Basil, since winning's obviously worn you out," "I suggest you go to bed, too." "I am rather tired, dear." "Oh, we'll settle in the morning, right?" "[Clock striking]" "[Rattling]" "As a houseguest, Mr. Bannister, you leave a lot to be desired." "Do I?" "Mmm." "Beating your hostess at bridge?" "Jack's furious." "And then locking your door." "Tsk." "Such ingratitude." "Besides, I have a key to every bedroom in this house-- all 47 of them." "47?" "Ha." "Striped pajamas?" "I'm cold-blooded." "Oh." "Oh, and a bow." "How sweet." "How old-fashioned." "Just think of this as your bread-and-butter letter, darling, written in advance." "[Both moaning]" "[Click]" "Jelks?" "!" "Forgive me, milady." "I thought I heard an intruder." "You are the intruder, Jelks." "Could I be of any service to you, sir?" "Um...no." "I'm..." "Go away, Jelks!" "Hearing strange sounds," "I took the precaution of alerting Sir Basil, milady." "As a butler, Jelks, you'd make a perfect baby minder." "I hope I've been of some service, sir." "I suppose so, yes." "If I might suggest it, a chair braced firmly under the doorknob is quite the best deterrent." "Her ladyship has been known to sleepwalk before dawn." "Good night, Jelks." "Good night, sir." "When my father died," "I was taken rather by surprise." "Up until then," "I'd lived a very quiet bachelor life, and suddenly at 40," "I seemed to become enormously eligible." "Young ladies appeared from nowhere." "Oh, I bought that head last March." "A Frink?" "Yes." "And then Natalia appeared and literally swept me off my feet." "All the others were rather miffed." "She is very striking." "Oh, and a wonderful head for business, though I must say, she has rather changed the tone of our various publications." "But the cash does roll in." "Who's for a gallop?" "We're coming." "Jack!" "Let her go!" "Oh!" "Did you sleep well last night?" "Yes, eventually." "Jelks told me he thought he heard an intruder." "False alarm." "Quite." "Jelks is very loyal." "[Indistinct shouting]" "You are insatiable!" "Saddle the horse, and away!" "Oh, I love this place-- every inch of it." "[Laughter and indistinct chatter]" "Oh, look." "This is Basil's new masterpiece." "Isn't it ghastly?" "[Laughing]" "Watch the dicky-bird." "Take one like this." "Oh, that's very good." "Tallyho!" "Shall we go down?" "It--it's very pleasant here." "[Laughter]" "Oh, yes, brilliant-- just like those things at the seaside!" "How is it?" "Oh, it's bloody marvelous." "Oh, idiot." "Got you." "How now, my proud beauty?" "Mmm." "Oh!" "Natalia finds everything so amusing." "Jack, I'm stuck." "You can't be." "I am." "Oh, rubbish." "What goes in must come" "Jack, do something." "Oh, flatten your ears back." "I am not a horse, dammit." "Oh, dear." "Ow!" "Ow!" "Aah!" "[Loud grunting]" "What is it?" "Natalia's stuck." "Well, get something quickly-- butter, lard, anything!" "I got my fist stuck in a jar of boiled sweets once." "Couldn't get it out." "Finally, I broke the jar with a hammer and told my mother it fell off the shelf by mistake." "I suppose we ought to help, really." "Stop it!" "I suppose so, yes." "Quite." "Cigarette?" "Virginia this side, Turkish that." "I don't." "Thank you." "I do." "I think a Turkish." "[Grunting]" "What are you doing?" "Better take the jacket off." "All right." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Come on, girl!" "No!" "Oh, Jack!" "I can't!" "I can't!" "Ow!" "[Sighs]" "What a stupid thing." "It's not funny." "No." "Well, we'll just have to wait for Carmen." "Oh, God." "Now look who's here." "Basil, get me out of here!" "What's the matter, dear?" "Isn't it obvious?" "Stuck her head through the blasted hole." "Can't get it out." "How odd." "Just for a lark, you know." "Quite." "A bit of fun, as it were?" "NATALIA:" "Basil, don't be such a damn fool!" "Well, it's very obvious we'll just have to break up this, um... lump of wood." "Surely not." "No." "Petroleum jelly should do the trick." "Ah." "You thought of it already." "Allow me." "Good." "Oh, you're not going to smother me in that muck." "Basil!" "Keep still, dear." "Oh, no!" "Oh!" "Oh, Basil!" "Oh, it's revolting!" "Can't hurt, dear." "If anything, it's rather soothing." "NATALIA:" "Oh!" "Ugh!" "[Crying]" "That's right." "On the ears." "Plenty on the ears." "Oh, how dare you!" "Oh, this is so humiliating." "Oh, Basil, look at you." "You're enjoying this, aren't you, you beastly little rabbit of a man!" "I reckon my old foot would get her out." "Block and tackle." "That's the answer." "Poor madam." "[Laughing]" "Try now-- a good, strong pull from the hips." "Ow!" "Oh, I must look ghastly!" "Ow!" "It's no go." "We will straighten her out." "You take the left leg." "You, too." "Come on!" "Now, you take the leg." "That's right, both of you." "That's right." "Up." "Now, ready, steady, go!" "Oh!" "Put me down!" "Let me down!" "You hit my husband for me!" "I'm sure he's doing his best, Lady Turton." "Oh, traitor!" "[Screaming]" "No!" "Perhaps we should call the fire brigade." "Oh, and have them see me looking like this?" "Ah, Jelks." "An unusual occurrence, sir." "Quite." "I presume it is the ears that are the main obstruction." "Could well be." "They do tend to swell in moments of excitement." "Jelks." "Milady?" "Please do something constructive." "We are considering ways and means, milady." "JACK:" "Ah, I said so!" "Chop the damn thing up." "Chop up a masterpiece?" "No question, man." "All right, Basil, come on." "Get on with it." "Her ladyship is right, sir." "No time like the present, I always say." "The saw or the axe, sir?" "[Natalia screaming]"