"Would you mind terribly if I answered this?" "Give me that phone!" "Of course." "Don't shoot." "I'm handing him my phone." "The embassy's been overrun by the army." "They're about to take me hostage." "They're going to kill Rafiq!" "You're on speaker." "Who am I speaking to?" "US Secretary of State, Walter Larson." "Who's this?" "I am General Ahmed Ali of the Pakistan Armed Forces." "It's Ahmed Ali, Zaman's highest-ranking general." "Get me everything you can." " Shit!" "Listen, General" " No, you listen." "In a few minutes, you will see our flag flying above what was once your embassy." "We're also taking your highest-remaining diplomat into custody." " He means me, sir!" " General?" "I highly recommend you don't kidnap an American dignitary." "Mr. Secretary, seeing as you kidnapped seven of our nation's glorious children," "I'm showing a great deal of restraint." "General, let's negotiate." "What do you want?" "Anything is on the table, I mean it." "I'm sorry." "Pakistan does not negotiate with terrorists." " Goodbye, Mr. Secretary." " Wait, wait, wait!" "In 60 seconds, the ambassador's secure line will ring." "It's encrypted." "No ISI, no CIA." "Just you and me." "General, we know that wasn't a goddamn earthquake." "If Zaman tries to launch another missile, we will obliterate you." "You have a choice-- watch your country get carpet-bombed back to the Stone Age by the entire US Fifth Fleet, or become the next president of Pakistan." " I must hang up now." " No, don't hang up!" " Walter!" " No!" "_" "You see whose plane they have us in?" "Who knows, man?" "I" "Tilson, Taylor, hold up a minute." " Sir?" " I'm sorry, but you're grounded." " What are you talking about?" " We got protocols, Commander." "You were both prisoners of war." " We were?" " Before you get back up there, you gotta take a med test, you gotta pass a psych exam." "Come on, that's bullshit, sir!" "We were prisoners of a couple of cannibal freaks" " who tried to kill each other." " And fuck us." "Screw the red tape, sir." "Everybody else is up there." "Look, it's not up to me." "This came from the top." "Admiral McBride doesn't want you to fly." " Man, fuck the admiral!" " Whoa, dude." " Come on, come on, answer, answer." " Thank you." "Confirmed." "The plan is in motion." "Fax is on its way to Talbot." "Good." "General?" "General?" "Speak quickly, Mr. Secretary." "Zaman is expecting to see the flag of Pakistan flying above this building at any moment." "General, I can give you the full backing of the United States, plus anything you might need on a personal level." "Sir, we really shouldn't be in here." "Even if I agreed to this plan," "I could not arrest Zaman and take power without the support of all the generals." "It is not possible." "Which is why I've made contact with Zaman's former psychiatrist." "The fax he's sending you right now is filled with the man's darkest psycho-sexual secrets." "What use would I have for that?" "I want you to use it to convince the other generals." "Tell Hassan it might be time to make the leap into the present and buy a scanner." "Okay, thank you, Uncle, for saving our lives." "All right, that's everything I have on Zaman." "30 pages of the craziest rantings of a certifiable psychopath you will ever have the misfortune of reading." "Thank you, Hassan!" "Praise God, I hope I never hear that voice again." "Listen, Uncle, Fareeda and the girls were taken to Bagram Air Force Base in Afghanistan." "What are you talking about?" "Fareeda and the girls are with your mother and father at the cabin." "What?" "Are you sure?" "I just spoke with them." "A helicopter dropped her and the girls off." "Blew away your mother's berry garden." "She was not pleased." "Now I must go." "My decaf milky tea is ready." "No, wait, Uncle!" "The Americans are going to start bombing!" "You need to get out of there!" "You need to get to the cabin." "Locked in a small cabin with seven screaming teenage girls?" "I'll take my chances here." "Thank you." "God be with us." "Fareeda is at my uncle's cabin?" "Hmm?" "Oh, yeah." "Before I almost just took a bullet for you," "I was bribing the pilots, getting your sister and the girls to safety, sacrificing my retirement fund to the karma gods." "But, you know, whatever." "No big deal." "Thank you for cleaning up the mess that you've created to begin with." "Let's do this." "I'll give you the same deal I gave Raja, spy satellites and all." "I also want a nuclear ballistic submarine." "Fuck me." "And two giraffes for our national zoo." "One male, one female." "Every time I take my daughter, she says, "Papa, where are the giraffes?"" "Done!" "Write down "giraffes."" " Giraffes?" " I'll explain later." "Now, what was in it for Raja, personally?" "$200 million." "And it goes without saying that you will restart military aid to my country immediately." "Goes without saying, but no more crazy talk." "No more stirring up the peasants." "That's what led to this mess." "Maybe just a little crazy talk." "This is Pakistan, after all." "Fine, but only the normal amount, like we've always agreed to." "Not this off-the-deep-end, nuke-Israel shit." "Once Walter closes this deal, that's it." "I'm gone." "Off to Paris." "Gorgeous women, delicious pastries." "It's gonna be sweet." "Yeah, I'll miss you, too." "I also need those seven schoolgirls." "I can't give you the schoolgirls." "Then we have no deal." "How about I try to kill you?" " Come again?" " We bomb your house." "You're not in it at the time, of course." "We issue a public apology, you reject the apology." "You're perceived as your own man, not our puppet." "It's the next best thing to martyrdom." "But I just renovated the entire second floor." "We already laid down all the plumbing." "I could blow up your car with a drone." "Zaman is calling me now." "General, do we have a deal or not?" "One second." "General, what did you just say to him?" "I told him that we've stormed the embassy, taken the ambassador, and safely retrieved those girls." " You have made the right choice." " Yes!" "Blow up my car and we have a deal." "My lease is up anyway." "Excellent!" "It is true." "Zaman is insane." "He's planning to launch another missile at Israel." "I keep telling him that our goal is not to obliterate Israel." "It's to obliterate India." "Let's discuss that after you take power." "Now, go arrest that son of a bitch." "Talbot will go with you as my eyes and ears." "I'll need his signal that you've succeeded." " Good luck." " I will need it." "And before you go, General, put Talbot on the phone, please." "It's for you." "Sorry about the guns earlier." " Larson!" " Sir, I think our secret is out." "Pierce is alerting the Secret Service!" "Talbot, are you sitting at the ambassador's desk?" "Yes, sir." "There should be a humidor somewhere around." "Uh, yes, sir." "I'm looking right at it." "It was a gift from Pierce to all of our ambassadors in the region, when he got confirmed for DOD." "Okay, you want me to spark one up?" "What are we celebrating?" "My impending Parisian transferral?" "Talbot, when this thing is over, I will transfer you" " wherever your heart desires." " Nice!" "Now open it up." "Remove the top tray." "Okay, what am I looking for?" "You'll know it when you see it." "Oh." "Look, I need you to go with the general." "If this thing goes south, you're going to shoot Zaman in the fucking head." "Show me what you're made of, Talbot." "Uh..." "Shit." "Let me know how it turns out." "Sir, we've been asked to escort you out of the West Wing." "Not a problem." "I'm leaving." "It's like rush hour at the Dulles Airport up there." "Tell Harry Truman this is our goddamn air space." "I'm running the biggest aerial attack since Shock and Awe, and my targeting intel is for shit!" "Sir, Lieutenant Commander Zeke Tilson has requested to see you." "Make it fast." "Tilson, I am up to my elbows in pig shit." "I got a four-star at Central Command on hold, but, please, step your entitled ass up." "What can the Navy do for you today?" "Permission to speak freely, sir." "Just fuckin' talk, pilot." "Sir, you gotta let me back up in the air." "These reintegration protocols and psych tests, you know it's just red-tape bullshit." "I like red-tape bullshit." "I use it to keep fuck-ups like you out of my way." "All due respect, sir, I'm your best goddamn pilot." "Tilson, right now, you're my worst goddamn pilot." "My best pilots don't piss positive for opiates." "My best pilots don't get their asses shot down." "My best pilots don't blow up Indian drones and put my spotless naval record at risk!" "Is that what this is about, sir?" "This is about the fact that, as of now, your naval career is over." "You are a goddamn piece of gum that got stuck on the bottom of my shoe, and the time has come to toss that fuckin' shoe in the trash!" " Sir, please" " You want to help this war, son?" "Jump off the fuckin' ship." "Now, get the hell out of here!" "I got a war to run." " What happens after I shoot him?" " His guys shoot you." " We need a plan B!" " You are plan B." " I hate plan B!" " It's an honor to die for your country." "It's not my country!" "It's your country." " Maybe you should do it." " Okay." "No, I'm good" " No, please, let me give you this gift." " No." "It's like letting a Jew kill Hitler." "He gave the gun to you." "It's your gun." "He wanted you to do it." "You, Alex Talbot, you're going to change the course of history." " Oh, God." " Honestly, I'm jealous." " Oh, God." " You okay?" "I'm hyperventilating." "Okay, as long as you can use your hands." " I don't think I can do it." " You can do this." " I don't think I can." " You can do it." " You think I can?" " I know you can" " I can't do it!" " You can do it, okay?" " I don't think I can!" " You're gonna do this!" " You're gonna be there?" " Yes, I will be there." " Okay, we'll do this together." " You'll do it." " But you'll be there?" " But I'll be in the area." "_" "Your husband's outside and wants to talk" " I need a favor." " I just heard that the White House physician had to put three stitches in Pierce's forehead." "What?" "Oh, my God." "Is he okay?" "Damn it, Walter." "Madeleine Albright never body slammed anyone." " Not that we know of." " It is amazing that you still have a job." "I know, really." "More importantly," "I just convinced one of Amir Zaman's top generals to arrest him and take power in Pakistan." " Which one?" " Ahmed Ali." "Do you know him?" "Yeah, that guy's insane." "All he wants to do is nuke India." "I know, but I can only deal with one nuclear crisis at a time, Joanne." "Right now, I need your help to get to Pierce." "He's the only one that can convince the president to call off Infinite Wisdom." "And you think Pierce is going to give you the time of day after what you just did to him?" "That's why I need you, to get him to trust me." " I don't even trust you." " Joanne!" "I am not Kendra." "I don't work for you." "Please, comprehend the fact that I have my own real-person job, a real-person job that I am trying desperately to keep." "So, no, I can't do any more favors for you." "You wanted to keep our lives separate?" "This is what separate means." "By separate, I just meant you could sleep with Billy." "And you could sleep with Asian hookers," "Urdu translators, and Heidi from the hotel." "How do you know about Heidi?" "That just happened." "I work for the DOD, and your pilot is an Air Force major." "And how were you able to do that, anyway, right after you had surgery?" "Trust me, Heidi was very disappointed." "This isn't working for me anymore." " Is it working for you?" " Not at this moment, no." "Listen, Joanne, this is a very thought-provoking conversation, but can we table it, please?" "Pakistan just set off a nuclear device." " What the fu" " When?" " About an hour ago." "We got bombers in the air." "I need to talk to Pierce." "I'll get Pierce out of the Sit Room." "That's all we need." "Don't say "we."" "My marriage is trashed." "Gail never wants to see me again." "Now, my career is in the fucking toilet!" "What's the point, man?" "Are you drinking Listerine?" "No, man, Blue Curaçao." "Keep it in a mouthwash bottle." "That's genius." " You know what, Glenn?" " What's that, man?" "We've been looking at this thing completely fuckin' backwards." "We're not grounded." "We're free, man!" "Plus, we're going to be rolling in it, thanks to..." "boner dude!" "Yes!" " We got plans!" " We got hard plans." "We gotta stop staring at our toes and start staring at the fuckin' moon!" "That's what I'm saying!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Don't drink it all, man!" "Dude!" "Translate." "Okay, I'm trying." "It's just..." "They're all talking over each other." " Just give me the gist!" " Okay, all right." "The general has informed Zaman of his betrayal, and he is trying to convince the other generals to side with him." "Oh, God, it's on." "He's saying that without US foreign aid," "Pakistan will fall under India's control." "Uh-huh." "Are they going for it?" "Mm, they seem receptive." "What, what, what?" "Okay, he's saying you and I are proof that when he becomes president," "US foreign aid will be reinstated immediately." "Okay, why is Zaman pointing at us?" "Okay, so Zaman is saying that the only thing you and I are proof of, is that the general is a puppet of the US." "No, no, not a puppet." "He's his own man!" "So, the general is now arresting Zaman." " Done deal." "Done deal?" " No, no, no." "Zaman is now arresting the general." "There seems to be some confusion as to who's arresting whom, and if you and I are going to be killed." "Jesus." "Which way is this thing going to go?" "It's a little bit of a loose ball." "Fuck!" "Wait, wait." "Our guy might have a deal." "We might have a deal?" "Never mind." "What happened?" "I thought our guy had a deal." " No, no, no, no." " You said we might have a deal!" "It unraveled, it unraveled." "I can't take this." "I can't take it, I can't take it, I can't take it!" "Shit." "I think we're going to have to go to plan B." " Right now?" " Right now." "I can't." "No, I don't think I can." " I think that you can." " I don't think I can." " Right now, do it." " I don't think I can." "I think you can do it." "All right, Joanne, what is it?" "I'm right in the middle of a major operation." " I understand." "Actually, Walter" " Larson?" "What the hell is he doing here?" " I come in peace." " You better stay away from me." "All he understands is violence." " I don't speak to him." " Tell him I'm sorry." "He's very sorry." "Tell him I'm racked with guilt." " He's racked with guilt." " Tell him I said he should go fuck himself." "Fuck yourself." "Mr. Secretary, just hear him out." "He has a crucial new piece of information." "I've got a general taking power in Pakistan." "He's friendly to the United States and he's relatively sane." "Another one?" "Please." "He should be arresting Zaman right about now." "You need to get back to the Sit Room." "You need to recall Operation Infinite Shitstorm." " "Wisdom."" " That's what I said." "Let's say I believe you, which I don't." "What happens if your plan, just like all your other plans," " turns to shit?" " I've got a gun in the room." "He's ready to blow Zaman's brains all over the wall." "Since when does the State Department employ Black Ops?" "It's buried deep in the budget." "You didn't tell me that part." "Okay, go now, go now." "Do it now." " I don't think I can shoot him from here." " Then get closer." " No, I don't want to get closer." " Get closer." "No, I don't" " No" " On second thought, I can do it from here." " Stop fuckin' pushing me!" " Just do it." "Do it!" "Do it now." " No!" " Ah!" "What?" "What's happening?" "He's showing Zaman his psychiatric file." "What's he saying?" "Apparently, Zaman is plagued by crippling impotence, and he's not very well endowed." "I believe the term is "pencil dick."" "I don't care if he has a weenus." "What's happening?" "Okay, it's unclear, but apparently, Zaman has fantasies of watching his wife have sex with young men, who he then tortures and executes, but not before he has consumed their genitalia in order to make himself more virile." "Oh!" "Not a fantasy." "Zaman's toast." "We're good." "It's over." "Buddy." " Take our picture." " Yes." " Oh, yeah, nice." " Okay..." " No hard feelings." " Fuck you." "Boom." "Boom." "Woosh-ch!" "Bullshit!" "This is all bullshit." "Don't try to muck up my war." "There's only one way to take out Zaman's nuclear capability," " and I'm doing it." " You think I'm lying?" "All right, let's see the proof." "Well, I don't have any right this second." "Goodbye, Walter." "And you, you're fired." " What did I do?" " You married him." " Yup." " You can't go!" " Are you gonna hit me again?" " If he won't, I might." "I don't have time for this." "You want proof?" "There's proof!" "It doesn't get any proofier than that." "Are you getting these right now?" "You're seeing 'em as I'm seeing 'em." "Were these taken inside the Presidential Palace?" " Yes, why?" " That's on the target list." " Our planes are minutes away." " Shit." "Pierce, you and me," " Sit Room, now!" " Joanne, you're still fired." " I heard you the first time." " Join the club." " What's that supposed to mean?" " Come on, Walter, let's do it!" " We have a lot to talk about." "C- learly." " Over dinner?" " Go!" "All right, just punch me." " Are you ready?" " Punch me as hard as you can, go!" "Hard as" "I am invincible!" "Do me, do me, do me!" " Oooh!" " Okay, okay, okay, okay!" "This isn't working." "We need a plan." " Mr. President." " Pierce?" "Walter?" " He got the son of a bitch." " Put that up on the screen." " Show him!" " This photo was taken moments ago." "We got him, sir." "All Pakistani nuclear sites have been secured by forces loyal to the United States." " Admiral?" " Sir." "Cancel Infinite Wisdom." "Yes!" "Nice job, Larson." "So, uh, what's going to happen with him now?" "He will be tried before a jury of his peers, and then hanged until he dies." "We are a democracy." "Right." "The mail plane is out there right now and nobody's watching it." "We take it, we fly it to Ibiza." "We use the money from the boner guy statue to buy ourselves a house and we live there forever." "There's not enough gas in the mail plane to get to Ibiza." "Fine!" "We take it to Zanzibar." "We can fuckin' make it to Zanzibar." " Nothing in Zanzibar." " There are women in Zanzibar." " Women?" " We sex the women." "We make the babies." "We start a tribe." " What about the mail?" " What about the mail?" "We can't steal the mail." "That's a federal offense." "You're right." "We leave the mail." "We steal the plane." " That's good!" " Ah!" " Nobody goes to jail." " Okay." " What about Carl?" " What about Carl?" "Carl's got the keys to the mail plane." "We cut Carl in." "Carl comes, too." "No women for Carl." "No women for Carl." "Where'd you find another bottle of Curaçao?" "I didn't." "We've been drinking mouthwash for the past half hour." "Rafiq, I'm flying blind here." "You might want to call Walter, right now." "Why?" "Sir, Alex Talbot is on the phone." "He says it's urgent." " I'll take it out in the hallway." " No." "Um, he says he wants the president to hear this, too." "Mic is on, sir." " Who is this now?" " That guy." "He's Black Ops." "This is President Navarro." "Mr. President, Alex Talbot." "Yes, Mr. Talbot." "I want to personally thank you" "No time." "Listen, before Zaman was arrested, he launched a fighter jet towards Israel, armed with a nuclear missile." "The pilot is a loyalist." "He was ordered not to recall for any reason." "How fast can one of those get to Tel Aviv?" "As the crow flies, probably seven hours, if it's avoiding radar." "I'm being told that it took off five hours ago." "We're not seeing it on radar." "Yes, he's probably flying out over the water." "I'd go south along the Arabian Sea, hug the Yemeni coast, then turn right, up the Red Sea." "Five hours would put it over the Gulf of Aden." "Right, but their plane could barely make it to Israel, let alone all the way back to Pakistan, without refueling." "It's a suicide mission." "Talbot, listen to me!" "You need to get Zaman to recall that pilot." "How?" "By any means necessary." "What'd he say?" "He said we've got to get Zaman to recall the pilot." "How?" "He didn't really offer any concrete suggestions." "Our people have mapped out the most likely flight path to avoid radar." "We've got to inform the Israelis." "No, it's too far for the Israelis." "That cruise missile could go off as far away as Mecca and still hit Israeli soil." "This is on us." "Pierce, please tell me" " we've got a carrier in that region." " Chief?" "Closest attack squadron's aboard the USS Ulysses S. Grant." "And they just sent every pilot they had 500 miles into Pakistan." "Didn't they?" "Carl!" "Carl!" "Carl!" "No women for Carl." "No women for Carl." "Only ugly chicks." "There's no ugly chicks in Zanzibar, man." "Oh, man, I love that plan." "Gentlemen." "Your country needs you."