"She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness," "She is the Slayer," " You don't know what you're talking about." " Xander, he was in charge." "He was a puppet." "She was using him." "He didn't seem like the type of guy who would let himself be used." "That was her genius!" "He didn't know he was playing second fiddle." "Buffy..." "Who was the real power, the Captain or Tennille?" "Um, who are these people?" "The Captain and Tennille?" "!" "Somebody was raised in a culture-free environment!" " I'm sorry!" "I was just..." " Thinkin'?" "No, not thinking." "Having a lot of happy not-thoughts." "I love it when things are quiet around here." "With Spike and Drusilla out of the way, we've really been ridin' the mellow!" "And I am really jinxin' the hell out of us by sayin' that." "Yeah, but we'll let you off this time." "So, we're pretty sure there are no more Tarakan assassins coming our way?" " Angel's sources say the contract's off." " How is Angel?" " Pretend I care." " Getting better." " You're loving playing nursemaid?" " Oh, yeah." " Better than playing naughty stewardess?" " Xander!" "You guys wait here a second." "No!" "Mom!" "I'm sorry." "I heard..." "Uh, I broke a wine glass." " You're home early." " Hi." "Hi." "Oh, this is my daughter Buffy." "Buffy, this is Ted." "OK, here we go!" "So, these late nights at the gallery recently." "I gather you were cataloguing more than art." "Well, I've been looking for the right moment to introduce you two." "He's a wonderful man." "How'd you meet?" "He sells computer software." "He redid my system at the gallery." " Freed up a lot of my time." " To meet new people." " And smooch them in my kitchen." " You weren't supposed to see that." " I like my new nine-gig hard drive." " But you don't love it." "Without the DMA upgrade, it's only half a rocket ship." " Yeah, but who can afford the upgrades?" " You can." "I get the demos for free." "I can give them to you." "Any friend of Buffy's..." "What?" "It's the sound she makes when she's speechless with geeker-joy." "This is the finest pizza on God's green earth." "What is your secret?" "After you bake it, you fry it in herbs and olive oil, but you gotta use a cast-iron skillet." " No room for compromise there." " You should market these things." "You can get 200-300 bucks apiece!" " Hungry?" " No, thanks." "Buffy, I want to apologise." "That wasn't how I wanted us to meet." "I wanted it to be... perfect." "I'm very fond of your mother." "I guess that's pretty obvious." "I know you're the most important thing in her life and..." "Well, gosh, that makes you pretty important to me, too." " Buffy, I really want you to be OK with this." " Beg to differ." "We really want you to be OK with this." " I'm OK." " You are?" "I am!" "Buffy, I believe he's, um..." "It's... staking time, really, don't you think?" " Any others?" " For their sakes, I certainly hope not." " What?" "I kill vampires." "That's my job." " True, true." "You don't usually beat them into quite such a pulp beforehand." " Everything all right?" " Yeah." "Fine." "I killed one here on Wednesday." "Why are they in the park?" "They're scattered, you know?" "Their leaders are gone, with any luck dead." "In times of crisis, they return to the easiest feeding grounds." "Vampires are creeps." "Yes, that's why one slays them." "People are perfectly happy getting along, then vampires come." "They run around and kill people and take over your house and make stupid mini-pizzas..." "Uh, Buffy..." "I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming a... a text." " Sure there's nothing you want to share?" " No." "Forget it." "Think there'll be any more?" "I can wait." " If you say one more word, things'll get dire." " Did you even bother to taste 'em?" "No!" "Well, I did." "And I'm here to tell ya, those mini-pizzas have changed my life." "Ted is the master chef." "Fine." "He's a good cook." "What does that really tell you?" " Everything." " You don't like him." "I don't know him." "So far all I see is someone who apparently has a good job,... ..seems nice and polite, and my mother likes him." "What kind of a monster is he?" "There's something too clean about this clown." "He's a clean clown!" " I have my own fun." " Buff, you're lacking evidence." " I think we're in Sigmund Freud territory." " He has a point." "Separation anxiety, the mother figure taken away, conflict with the father figure..." " He's not my father figure." " Having issues much?" " I am not!" " # You're having parental issues!" " # You're having parental issues!" " Xander..." "Freud would have said the exact same thing." " He might not have done that little dance." " OK, I admit it's weird." "Seeing my mother Frenching a guy is a ticket to therapy-land, but it's more than that." "I'm good at sensing things and there is something wrong with this..." "Ted." " Ted!" " Of course." "Who'd you think I meant?" " Hi, Ted..." "Ted who's here." " Hello, kids." " What are you doing here?" " Updating the software." "Which reminds me." "Your upgrades." " Oh, what a day!" "Thank you." " Think nothing of it." " Buffy, do you like miniature golf?" " Who doesn't?" "Your mother and I thought this Saturday we'd drag the three of you to the course,... ..spend time swinging the iron with the stuffy old people." " Well..." " I'm making a picnic basket." " With mini-pizzas?" " And cookies." "You know what?" "We would love to, but unfortunately we have that thing on Saturday." "Oh, that thing!" "That thing," "Hey, we can do that thing any time." "I'm tired of doin' that thing." "We're on." "Great!" "Hello, Jenny." "Rupert." "Hi." "Some of your textbooks were delivered to the library." "Do you want me to hang on to them?" "Yeah, that's fine." "I'll send the kids by to pick 'em up." "Right." "Good." "Pretty flimsy excuse for comin' by to see me." "You should have heard the ones I threw out!" "Well, I just wanted to..." "see how you were doing." "I'm doin' pretty good, actually." "I've stayed out of mortal danger for three whole weeks." "I could get used to it." "I'm still having trouble sleeping, though." "Of course." "Um, you need time." "Or possibly space." "Rupert, I know you're concerned." "But having you constantly poking' around, makin' puppy-dog eyes, asking' if I'm OK..." "You make me feel bad that I don't feel better." "I don't want that responsibility." "I'm sorry." "I certainly don't mean to make... ..dog eyes at you." " I'm just..." " Worried." "I know." "I shouldn't have bothered you." "Mom's like "Will Ted like this?" "Ted's teachin' me computers."" ""Ted said..." And I'm like "Great, Mom." She said I was being sarcastic." " I'm sorry if I don't talk about Ted all day!" " So you're gonna talk about somethin' else?" "I'm sorry." "I just have so much to deal with." "I don't need some new guy in my life." "No?" "Maybe your mom does." "Well, sure, if you're gonna use wisdom!" "Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is." "OK, so my mom needs a guy in her life." " Does it have to be Ted?" " You have somebody else in mind?" "There's a guy out there that would satisfy you?" "My dad." "Yeah, OK, that's not gonna happen." "Fine, fine." "I'll give Ted a chance." "I'll play minigolf and I'll smile and curtsey and be the dutiful daughter." "Do I have to like him?" " Kiss me." " Finally something I wanna do!" "Ah!" "The dreaded five-par cuckoo clock!" "Ha!" "So many have come, so few have conquered." "That picnic was delicious!" "It's rare to find a man that cooks." "I know." "I've been looking a long time for one!" "Buffy, I bet the boys are lined up around the block trying to get a date with you." " Not really." " Oh, they are, but she's only interested in..." "Uh, her studies!" "Book-cracker Buffy." "It's kind of her nickname." "I'm glad to hear it." "I bet that means your grades will be picking up soon." "My grades?" " How does he know about my grades?" " I told him." "He wants to know everything about you." "He's concerned." "That's a good thing." "Ooh, nice shot, Ted!" "Keep your eye on the ball." "Watch those elbows!" "Oh, bad luck, little lady!" " Oh, we won't count it." " We won't?" " It's just miniature golf." " It is, but the rules are the rules." "What we teach her is what she takes into the world when we're not there,... ..whether it's at school or an unchaperoned party." "I won't overstep my bounds." "It's between you and your mother." "I just think right is right." "He has a point." "Fine." "I'll just go hit my ball from the rough." "Hey, how about that?" "Got a hole in two!" "Beg to differ." "OK, so fine my score or whatever." "I think you're missing the point here, little lady." "Right is right." "Wrong is wrong." "Why don't people see that?" " It's just a game?" " Right, it's just a game, do your own thing." "Well, I'm not wired that way." "And I'm here to tell you... ..it is not a game, it does count, and I don't stand for that kind of malarkey in my house!" "Then it's a good thing I'm not in your house." "Do you want me to slap that smart-ass mouth of yours?" "Who's up for dessert?" "I made chocolate-chip cookies!" " Yummy!" " Cookies!" "Yeah, I made too many, so you guys are gonna have to take some home." "Mm!" "Buffy, you've got to try one of these." "They're really good." "Mm!" "These are tasty!" " Good morning, sunshine." " Hey." "I've got juice, I've got sticky buns." "Don't they smell good?" "Ted made them." "What?" "I'd just like to eat something that Ted didn't make." " What kind of an attitude is that?" " I know you think he's great..." "He went out of his way to be nice and you couldn't say two words to him on Saturday." "I do not expect you to love him right away like I do, but I want you to treat him decently." "You love him?" "I don't know." "That just slipped out..." "But I guess." " It's not like men beat down the door..." " ..when you're a single parent." "I wouldn't have anything to do with anybody who didn't care about you, but he does." "I don't understand why you can't see that." " He threatened me." " What?" "He threatened me." "He said that he was gonna slap my face." "He said no such thing." "Honey, Ted told me what happened." " He caught you cheating, didn't he?" " Yeah, I kicked my ball in." "Put me in jail." " But he totally wigged." " Did he say anything in front of the others?" " No, but I don't think that's..." " I thought that was pretty decent of him." "Ted said we have to give you time to come round." "Speaking of which, he's making dinner for us tonight, so I'd like you home promptly at six." "Mm!" "This is so delicious!" "Check him out?" "Investigate him." "Find out his secrets." " Can you say "overreaction"?" " Can you say "sucking chest wound"?" "Buffy, it just seems like you want him to be corrupt or something." " The guy lost his senses over minigolf." " Being a little uptight isn't a slaying offence." "Don't give me the look." "I'm on your side." "But some things you have to accept." "And Ted ain't one of 'em." " Hey, Cordy, nice outfit!" " Oh, very funny." " Not really." " What are you saying?" " Nice outfit?" " Why don't you just keep your mouth shut?" "Would you guys excuse me for a sec?" "What's up with them?" " What's wrong?" " I gave you a compliment." " In front of your friends." "They'll know." " Know what?" "Please!" "It's too traumatic for me to even say it!" "That we kissed?" "I'm not gonna tell." "They're not gonna know." "Not your friends, not my friends." " Wanna go to the utility room and make out?" " God, is that all you ever think about?" "OK." "Well, I'm not wrong here." "Ted has a problem with me." "He acts like I'm in the way." " Mom's been different since he was around." " Different like happy?" " Like Stepford." "Will you help me?" " You know I will." " What do you want me to look for?" " Let's start small." "Find out where he works." "Yeah, it's a terrific product." "No PC should be without it." "No, Mrs Lansdale, it is not an inexpensive piece of software." "As a matter of fact, it's a very expensive one,... ..which removes the risk of crashing your system." "Of course, if you prefer something cheap, I can always recommend..." "Trust me, you won't be sorry." "Thank you very much." "Goin' to lunch!" "You're new, aren't ya?" "I'm Neal." "I'm B..." "Linda." "Belinda." "I'm just temping for the day." "Wow!" "That guy's a salesman." "He's the one to beat around here." "Nobody beats the Machine." "The guy is a genius." "Knows everything about computers, never loses a client." "If I sound bitter, I am." "Nobody likes an overachiever." "He's probably got ex-wives and families to support." "He's just got a girlfriend." "I'm amazed he let her clutter his desk." "Thank God he's takin' off for the wedding." " The wedding?" " He's got it set for two months from now." "Believe me, I am counting the days." "Uh-oh, the Über-Boss." "Back to the salt mines." "We thank you for what we are about to receive,... ..and we ask that you bless this house and help the people in it to be more productive,... ..more considerate and more honest." " Amen." " Amen." "Well, another great day at work." "How was school today, Buffy?" "Did you learn anything?" " Quite a bit." " Good for you." " Well, Joycie, what do you think?" " Every home should have one of you." "It's fantastic!" "Don't you think?" " Looks good." " Well, little lady,... ..it's not just for looks." "It's for building strong bodies." "Honey?" "Are you two engaged?" " Goodness, no!" "What gave you that idea?" " Joycie, let me handle this." "Buffy, your mother and I are taking it one step at a time." "And if things go the way I hope,... ..maybe someday soon I just might ask her to tie the knot." "How would you feel about that?" "It's OK to have feelings, Buffy, and it's OK to express them." " I'd feel like killing myself." " Buffy!" "No, no." "I told her to be honest." "Sweetheart, you should try and get used to me, cos you know what?" "I'm not going anywhere." " May I be excused?" " You can go to your room, young lady." "That's where you can go." "Ted, I am so embarrassed." "I don't know what's wrong with her." "Joycie, you don't get to be salesman of the year by giving up after a couple of rejections." "She'll come round." "Vampires!" "Here, vampires!" " What are you doing in here?" " Your mother told you to go to your room." "She didn't mean climb out a window and go gallivanting." "First of all, this is my room." "Second..." " Have you been through my things?" " Yes, I have." "That's personal." "How dare you!" "I don't see how it's different from you snooping around my office." "What exactly is a "vampire slayer"?" " It's none of your business." " Beg to differ, little lady." "Everything you do is nothing but my business from now on." " I think you'd better get out of here." "Now!" " Or what?" "You'll slay me?" "I'm real." "I'm not some goblin you made up in your little diary." "Psychiatrists have a word for something like this: delusional." "So from now on you'll do what I say when I say, or I show this to your mother." "And you'll spend your best dating years inside a mental institution." "Your mother and I are going to be happy." "You're not going to stand in the way." "Sleep tight." "That's mine, and you are not leaving this room with it." " Take your hand off me." " No." "I was so hoping you'd do that." "Buffy, stop that!" "Stop it!" "Ted..." "Ted!" "Ted!" "You killed him!" "Ma'am, I'm Detective Stein." "Sorry, but I need to ask you a few questions." "Your relationship with the deceased?" " We were, um, seeing each other." " Can you tell me what happened?" "He fell." "Down the stairs." "He fell." "I see." "Did he slip?" "Do you know what made him fall?" "I hit him." "I hit him." "He was in my room..." "and we got into an argument." "About what?" "He..." "Was this the first time that you two had had an argument?" "No." "He threatened me." "He said that he would slap me." " That was tonight?" " No." "But he had my diary, and I tried to take it back, and that's when he hit me." "Where?" "It doesn't look like he hit you very hard." " I don't bruise easily." " You've been hit before?" " Yes." " But Ted never hit you?" " I told you..." " Before tonight?" " Ted never hit you before tonight?" " What do you want?" " I told you what happened." "I didn't mean to." " I believe you." "Things got out of hand." "He's a big guy." " Are you charging her?" " We're not bringing anything against her yet." "She says Mr Buchanan struck her." "If it's true..." "Anyway, we've gotta examine it further." "Right now you should take her home and the two of you should try and get some rest." "Buffy!" " Are you OK?" " How come you're here?" "I couldn't stay at home." "Mom won't even look at me." "What happened?" "Unless you don't wanna talk about it." "We had a fight and I lost my temper." "Really let him have it." "The paper said he fell." "He fell." "Hard." " What was he?" " What?" "What was he?" "A demon?" "A giant bug?" "A dark god with the secrets of nouvelle cuisine?" "I mean, we are talking creature feature here, right?" " Oh, man." " I'm sure it wasn't your fault." "He started it." "Yeah... that defence only works in six-year-old court, Will." "Court?" "Are they charging you with something?" "I don't know." "Not yet." "He was a person... and I killed him." " Don't say that." " Why not?" "Everyone else is." " And it's the truth." " It was an accident." "I'm the Slayer." "I had no right to hit him like that." "Look, Buffy, I don't know what happened exactly, but I do know you." "I know you would never hurt anyone intentionally." "Unless..." "Unless... they were dating my mother?" "I gotta go." "Buffy!" "Are you all right?" "Stupid question." "I'm sorry." "If there's anything you need, just ask." "What's going on?" "Oh, you needn't worry about them." "They're just asking a few questions." "Your behaviour..." "Um, I..." "Of course, I told them you, uh..." "Man, this is killin' me!" "That bastard was up to somethin'." "If I could get my hands on him..." " ..earlier this week..." " I thought you liked him." "I sometimes like things that are not good for me." "Besides, no way does Buffy put the big hurt on an innocent man." " Nice Uncle Ted was dirty." " We've gotta prove that somehow." " Xander, do you have a pen?" " If Buffy is jailed because of that creep,... ..I'm gonna lose it." "He's gotta be in there." "A history of domestic violence, a criminal record..." "Ooh!" "Cookies!" " Buffy's the Slayer." "Shouldn't she have..." " What, a licence to kill?" "Not for fun, but she's like this superman." "Shouldn't she have different rules?" " Sure, in a fascist society." " Right!" "Why can't we have one of those?" " Buffy's not going to jail." "It's not fair." " Whatever the authorities have planned,... ..it can't be much worse than what she's doing to herself." "She's taken a human life." "The guilt is pretty hard to bear." "It won't go away soon." "You should know, since you helped raise that demon that killed a guy." "Yes." "Do let's bring that up as often as possible." "So, Giles, you takin' over tonight?" "Buffy's not in any shape to patrol." "The least I can do is pick up the slack." "Someone has to." " You shouldn't go out without the Slayer." " Until Buffy regains her equilibrium,..." " ..there is no Slayer." " If you need help..." "No, Buffy needs your help more than I. Cary on investigating." "Find out as much about this Buchanan chap as possible." "Be careful." "I will." "Ted's got no criminal record." "Damn, this guy's like citizen of the year!" "Don't sweat it." "It'll be fine." " Don't sweat it?" " Yeah, cute buddy!" "We'll work it out." "No worries." " What happened to "this is killing me"?" " Worrying isn't gonna solve any problems." "Can I help?" "It's done." "I've been meaning to clean out this junk for months." "Do you have homework?" " I didn't mean to hurt him." " I don't wanna talk about this." " Mom, please, you have to know..." " I can't." "Not yet." "Please, Buffy, just go to your room." " OK..." " What do we know?" "Well, apparently the secret ingredient is not love." " What is it?" " I'm not positive, but I think it's dekfatorin." "It's like a tranquilliser." "Keeps you all mellow and compliant." "It also shares a few components with ecstasy." "This is evidence!" "This is real evidence that Ted was some kind of crook." "Buffy's cleared." "Willow, you are the best human ever, I adore you!" "That's the cookies talkin', but you rock!" "Your search finally hit pay dirt." "I got personal records, marriage certificates, and an address." "Well, let's check it out." "Get our Slayer back on her feet before somebody else gets hurt." " I get that reaction from men all the time!" " Jenny, what are you doing here?" "I saw your car." "I wanted to apologise." " Now's not the best time..." " No, please, let me just get this out." "I was so harsh the other day." "I am so sorry." "I mean, I know how badly you must feel about putting me in danger before." "Imagine how I must... feel now." "Mom?" "To hell with this!" "She nailed it shut." "Well, it's official." "This day can't get any worse." "Beg to differ." " You died." " That's right, little lady." "You killed me." "Do we have something to say about that?" "Are we sorry?" " What are you?" " I'm a salesman." "That's what you should have remembered." "No matter how you put him down,..." "..a good salesman always bounces back." "My bow!" "See, I had to shut down for a while to get you off my back." "You should have seen the intern's face when I got up." "It was a hoot!" "Fun's over, though." "Say good night, big guy!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, no!" "Nice shot, lady!" "That wasn't playin' fair, missy!" "You're gonna find..." "Hell of a day!" "Makes you feel like you're 18 again!" "..that I don't like being disobeyed!" "Don't worry about me and your mother." "We're gonna be very happy." "Careful!" "Let's look around." " I'll take the back." " Check for cookies." "For evidence!" "So far I've counted four marriage certificates." " Any divorce papers?" " Not a one." " So, either our boy was a Mormon, or..." " Whoa!" "1951?" "Ted must have married young." "Like, pre-school young." "Nothing interesting." "Doesn't look like anybody works or lives here." "Something's missing here." "This doesn't seem like Ted at all." "Yeah, and this rug, it doesn't go with the rest of the decor." "Buffy..." "I'm sorry." "I know you didn't mean to..." " Joyce?" " Ted!" "Is it really...?" "But you were..." "I'm OK." "I'm OK." "I don't understand this." "You were dead!" "They said I was dead for six minutes." "Any longer would have caused brain damage." " Why didn't they tell us?" " Nobody knew." "In the morgue, I was unconscious for almost a day." "An intern found me." "It's a miracle, Joyce." " Oh, Ted!" " I know." "Oh, my God!" "Buffy!" "Ted, she never meant to hurt you." "You have to believe me." "You don't have to worry about Buffy." "Don't worry about anything." "Daddy's here." "Feels like home..." "if it's the fifties and you're a psycho." "What you got in the closet, Ted?" "Let's go." " But we need evidence." " We got it." " What's in there?" " His first four wives." "You know what brought me back, Joyce?" "It was you." "I couldn't go into that light." "I had to come back for you." "I'm gonna make you so happy." " You should sit down." " I feel fine." "Never better." "Ted, I think I should talk to Buffy first, before she sees you, cos I'm sure..." "Do we have to worry about Buffy right now?" "How about Teddy?" "He's the one who died!" "I'm sorry, I just..." " I don't know what to do." " Don't I always tell you what to do?" "I'm going to make things right." "Then you and I..." "Want a little gravy with that?" "..can go away where no one will bother us again." "Ted, I..." "I think you might wanna rest for a while." "You might wanna stop telling me what to do." "I don't take orders from women." "I'm not wired that way." "Oh, God." "I am so sorry." " I think I'm all right." " No, you're in shock." "No, really, I don't think it went in too deep." "The advantages of layers of tweed." "It's better than Kevlar." "Oh." "OK, we have to get you to the hospital." " Ow!" "Ow!" "Let's move slowly, shall we?" " Sorry." "OK." "What?" "What is it?" "Some night, huh?" "Hey, you really know how to woo a girl back, don't ya?" "Hospital." "I think I could use a drink." "Uh, to celebrate." " We should probably be hitting the road." " Hitting the road?" "You'll love the house." "It's furnished just the way you like it." "I spent a lot of..." "Telling me what to do!" "..time decorating." " Well, then, I'd probably better go pack." " I already have your clothes." "They're your size." "They're always your size." "You left me once, but I keep bringing you back." "Husband and wife is forever." "Forever." " Let's go." " Ted, let go, please." "Get off me!" "Fine, then." "I'll have to cary you." "Buffy, come out!" "I don't stand for this kind of malarkey in my house!" "Uncle Teddy..." "This house is mine," "Buffy, how about a nice game of Parcheesi?" "D'you wanna rent a movie tonight?" " That sounds like fun." " Just nothing with horror in it." "Or romance." "Or men." " So we're Thelma and Louise-ing it again?" " Good call." "I still think he's gonna jump out at me,... ..especially after what the police found in his house." "It's just too horrible." "I wouldn't worry." "He's not coming back." " I wish I could be so sure." " Trust me." "He's on the scrapheap." "Of life." "So I'm Ted, the sickly loser." "I'm dying and my wife dumps me." "I build a better Ted." "He brings her back, holds her hostage in his bunker-o-love until she dies." "And then he keeps bringing her back over and over." "That's creepy on a level I hardly knew existed." "The sad part is, the real Ted was a genius." "There were design features that predate..." "Willow, tell me you didn't keep any parts." "Not any... big ones." "Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good." " But I just wanna learn stuff." " Like how to build your own serial killer?" " It's so hard to rent one nowadays." " Can we drop it?" "Absolutely." "I plan to forget it all and pick up where we left off." "OK, that's it." "I give up." "Do I have to sound an air horn every time I walk into a room?" "What is it with grown-ups these days?"