"Hey, Reba, you ready for Vegas and Tom Jones?" "Oh yeah." "Oh, if all goes my way, I will win a million bucks playing * and I'm gonna corner Tom and make an indecent proposal." "What's so great about Tom Jones?" "What's so great about Tom Jones?" "What's so great about Picasso?" "Uh, he was an amazing artist?" "Now picture him all sweaty, wearing tight pants." "I had a crush on Tom Jones when I was your age." "He was my Justin Bieber." "Oh!" "If Justin Bieber had a luxurious thatch of chest hair straining against a single button on his silk white shirt." "Oh, lord, it's hot in here." "Wow." "You look very pretty for my road trip out of town." "Mm." "What do you think?" "I'm trying out a new outfit." "You know how Sage is gay, and..." "I know how he claims that he's gay, yes." "Well, I decided I'm moving on." "So this is what I'll be wearing next Friday night when I go to the movies with Kendall, a heterosexual boy." "More hetero than sexual, if he knows what's good for him." "But I'm happy for you." "I can't wait to meet him." "Ugh." "Really?" "Yeah." "Before you go out with him." "That way, when we all go to the movies, it won't be so awkward." "Mom." "What?" "No way." "Oh, yeah." "You know the rule." "Stop whining and put a sock in it." "Is this about Tom Jones again?" "It's not a sock, Reba." "It's all him." "Okay." "I'm so excited, mama." "I haven't seen Tom Jones since you took me for my high school graduation." "Ohh!" "That was quite a trip." "It sure was." "A girl never forgets the first time she sees her mother flash a celebrity in the middle of his show." "You know, my fondest wish is that one day, you'll have the chance to do the same for your daughter." "Attention, ladies..." "I have good news about my cervix." "I am 3 centimeters dilated." "This pregnancy has been really hard on me." "I can't wait to get this baby out and just resume my life, right?" "Resume your life?" "You do know what havin' a baby means, don't you?" "Yeah, it means me being skinny again." "And being responsible for raising a human being." "Uh, I think I got that covered." "I mean, that's what's so great about being married to a single dad, is you get to practice your mom skills on somebody else's kid." "And, you know, as far as Sage is concerned," "I'm kind of crushing it." "3 centimeters, huh?" "That degree of dilation means that you have entered the latent phase of pre-labor." "Wow." "Sounds like you know a lot about childbirth." "Well, I just finished an online course on midwifery." "I can deliver your baby for less than half what you'd pay some fancy hospital." "Uh, thank you, but I think I'm gonna stick with someone with a little more experience, and... and, you know, drugs." "Growing up on a farm," "I must have delivered at least a dozen cows" " and an alpaca." " Mm-hmm?" "Plus... one cow-paca." "There were some freaky things happening in that barn." "Yeah." "You know what?" "I'll talk to Leslie when he gets back from his business trip." "Reba, what's with all the food?" "Oh, mama and I are going to Vegas, and I wanna make sure the kids have enough to eat." "Okay." "Are you going to Vegas for, like, a year?" "No, no, just overnight." "But I figure they'll stay out of trouble a little bit more if I get 'em so full that they can't move." "You know, where is Geoffrey with those tickets?" "I wanna get this show on the road." "Okay, well, wait a minute." "I wanna do one more safety drill before we go." "Oh." "That's not exactly how I saw that drill going." "* walkin' with my head high * * soaking' up the sunshine * * la-la-la-la-la, life is sweet *" "Trapezoid!" "Tetrahedron!" "Rhombus!" "Decagon!" "Trapezium!" "You got... zero right." "Circle!" "Okay." "You got one right." "Whoa." "Look at you." "You're so..." "Look at you." "Yeah." "You think?" "Do I look okay?" "Yeah, you look nice." "I wanna know what Sage thinks." "I trust you, because gay guys have the best fashion sense." "I need to pick out the perfect outfit." "Kendall Marshall is taking me to the movies next Friday." "Oh, you're going out with Kendall?" "Yep." "And I want you to be honest..." "You look great." "Shut up, cash." "Sage?" "You look great." "Oh, thank you." "Nice having a friend with such a great eye." "Dude." "You're gonna let her go out with Kendall?" "Yeah, why not?" "You know, just..." "You're her big brother, and Kendall's a total player." "Kendall?" "Oh, no, dude, he's harmless." "They call him "Ken doll."" "Yeah, 'cause he's got a whole bunch of Barbies lined up outside his Malibu dream house." "I thought it was 'cause he's got no..." "You know... business." "Well, I don't know!" "I don't have gym with the guy." "What's new, pussycat?" "Hi!" "I got your tickets." "Fourth row seats to Tom Jones." " Ooh!" " Ooh, hoo hoo!" "Hey, there's three tickets here." "Oh, really?" "Well, that's weird." "I mean, you wouldn't happen to know anybody who might wanna take that extra ticket?" "No, but we can scalp this on the strip for poker money." "Let me rephrase." "Do you know anybody who got these from his job whose suitcase is already packed and ready to go, waiting for him in his car?" "Geoffrey, would you like to go to Vegas with us?" "Me?" "Oh!" " Oh, my God!" "Yes." " Reba?" "Reba?" " Yeah?" "I thought this was gonna be a mother-daughter trip." "It's a way that we could bond" " so we could deepen our relationship." " Mm-hmm." "I'll spring for gas and champagne." "Ha ha!" "Welcome aboard!" "Let's go!" "We're gonna pull in about 5:00." "We'll hit the Blackjack tables, drink our weigh in free cocktails, and then by 8:55, I'm in row 4, ready to fire my panty cannon." "You have a panty cannon?" "You don't?" "I'll go get my bags." "Hey, Mrs. Mackenzie." "What is it, Sage?" "Um, look, I think June's about to make a big mistake going out with Kendall." "I'm telling ya, he's a nice guy." "Well, yeah, but, I mean..." "that's not the point." "Well, what is the point?" "You know, it's nothing." "Never mind." "Oh, no, no, no." "You're the one that brought it up." "How come you don't want June to go to the movies with this boy?" "J... really, just forget it." "Aha." "Are you jealous?" "Are you sweet on this Kendall boy?" "No." "Then what is it?" "It's just..." "Well, I..." "like June." "Uh-huh." "Would you like to elaborate on that statement just a little bit?" "I'm not gay." "I knew it!" "I knew it!" "I knew it!" "He's not gay!" "I knew it." "I knew it." "Whoa!" "So you're finally out of the closet." "No, wait." "No, no, no." "Well, you're... you're going in the closet." "Is... that's..." "Huh?" "What is going on?" "It's a reverse come-out." "I mean, I've heard about it." "I've just never seen it." "Okay, Sage." "What kind of game have you been playing?" "No, it's not a game." "It's just..." "When we moved to Malibu," "I didn't know anyone and so I joined the drama club because all the prettiest girls were in it." "Tell me about it." "That's why I sat through "Mamma Mia!" three times." "Uh-huh?" "Is that why you bought the CD?" "Anyway, before I knew it, all these girls started hanging all over me and inviting me to parties." "I was so happy to finally fit in somewhere," "I went with the lie." "Sage, of all the underhanded scams, that is... the most brilliant!" "No, it was not a scam." "Oh, man." "My brain is reeling with the possibilities." "It does sound like a plan that you could sell to other teenage horn dogs." "Mama!" "Ooh!" "Hey." "Did they change clothes in front of you?" " Cash!" " What?" "Uh, no, I'm sorry, mama." "I was just asking 'cause, um, 'cause..." "I'm..." "I'm so outraged!" "Okay..." "So you were just "going with it"" "when you were practice kissing with my daughter?" "Yes, ma'am., and I am so sorry." "Are you mad at me?" "Oh, ho!" "Yeah, I'm mad at you." "But you wanna see mad?" "You just wait till June finds out about this." "Oh, yeah." "She's gonna lose it on ya." "Yeah, she's thin and pleasant, but she can be vicious." "I never meant to hurt June." "Oh, well, you did." "And if you care for her, you better be honest with her." "Uh, what do you want him to be honest about?" "Sage, what do I want you to be honest about?" "Uh... w..." "Look, I like you." "I like you, too." "No, I like you like you." "I like you like you, too." "All right!" "Everybody likes everybody!" "I'm not gay." "What?" "So all this time we were practice kissing and laying on the couch watching "Twilight,"" "you were..." "I know." "I know." "That's... so fantastic!" "Aah!" "You know, it actually makes sense that you're straight." "I mean, if... if you were gay, there's no way you wouldn't have hit on me at some point." "Uh, not to sound conceited or anything, but, uh, I'm..." "I am kinda hot." "You're not gay hot." "Oh." "All right." "Fine." "Um..." "something to work on this year." "This is fantastic." "It's like what happens in every fairy tale." "Prince Charming turns out not to be gay." "I never read you any fairy tales like that." "Sage, I can't believe you feel the same way about me that I feel about you." "I do." "Oh, my goodness." "Sweet love is in the air." "Mm." "Let's hit Sin City!" "Come on!" "Uh, I..." "And, you know, June, I'm so sorry about the lie." " I can explain..." " No, no, no." "Who cares about that?" "All that matters is that we can be together all the time." "Hey, you..." "you wanna hang out tonight?" "Yeah!" "Ooh, we can hang out here." "My mom's going to Vegas." "I'm standing right here." "Oh!" "No, no." "It's okay, mom." "He's my boyfriend now." "Oh, that sounds so cool!" "My boyfriend..." "All right." "Break it up." "Break it up." "Sage, you go home." "June, step out into my office." "Good-bye, June!" "Bye, Sage." "Oh, please." "Mom, thank you for telling Sage to be honest." "You brought us together." "You're the best mom in the world." "I don't understand it." "Why aren't you upset with this guy?" "Because he's hot." "I mean, seriously." "Don't you think his hair is like, you just wanna..." "jump in and get lost in it?" "No, I wanna cut it." "Don't you care that that boy lied to you?" "Uh, no, 'cause I love him." "Don't throw that word around so lightly." "Well, I do." "And I'm happy." "You're always telling me you want me to be happy." "Well, I take that back." "Oh, so you don't really want me to be happy." "You just want me to agree with you." "Honestly?" "Yes." "Okay." "If you remember, I was in a relationship with a man who lied to me, and I had to stand up for myself." "Well, that's you." "This is the best thing that's ever happened to me." "Sage is the one, and you can't keep us apart." "The more you try, the more our love will grow." "You're actually just watering our love." "You're watering my last nerve, little missy." "I can't believe you don't see how romantic this is." "He's not a tormented vampire." "He's a straight boy with a scam." "You are the worst mother in the world." "No, I was the worst mother in the world when I knew he was up to something, and I didn't do anything about it." "No, you are the worst." "Nope." "Was." "So... ready to go?" "I can't go to Vegas and leave them here together all alone." "So is that your solution, not go to Vegas?" "What are you gonna do the rest of the time, watch 'em 24/7?" "Well, of course not." "That's ridiculous." "You're gonna watch 'em Monday, Wednesday, and Friday." "Okay, that's all I got for right now." "I don't know how to deal with this stuff." "I never had to deal with it with Cash." "Okay, that's it." "I'm just gonna walk to Vegas." "But if you happen to see a very sexy Puerto Rican with a cute butt, pick him up." "And then come back and get me." "Reba, you remember when you were in high school, and your daddy and I joined the... the bowling team?" "Yeah." "Y'all were the gutterballers." "Yeah." "And we were out every Friday night till 2:00 in the morning." "Mm-hmm." "And we left you alone, 'cause we knew you were a good kid." "Mama, I had a party every Friday night while y'all were gone." "Oh, I knew you did, sweetheart." "You knew?" "!" "Well, of course." "Well, you always cleaned up, thinking we'd never know." "But when we got home, the house was cleaner than when we left." "Thanks to you, I was able to fire the cleaning lady." "You told me Henrietta died!" "Well, she did." "I fired her, and she starved to death." "I'm just joking with you." "The point is, only a responsible kid would throw a party and then feel obliged to clean up because we raised you right, just like you raised June." "Oh, mama, this is a different time." "Nowadays, a kid gets pregnant, and they give her a tv show." "Hey." "Hey, Kim." "What's up?" "What is going on with all the yelling?" "I was trying to meditate on on my deck, and I could not hear myself not think." "Mm." "Well, the yelling was about your stepson, who is now dating my kid." "I didn't know Cash was gay!" "Oh, Reba, I'm so happy!" "Hugs, hugs, hugs." "Cash is not gay, and neither is Sage." "Okay." "Are you trying to tell me that Sage is "straight"?" "Oh, Kim, knock that act off." "I knew there was something up with that kid the first time I met him." "And don't you tell me you didn't know he was not gay!" "Oh, my God." "You did not know he was not gay?" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "No, this can't be true." "I am the supportive mother of a gay stepson." "Well, now you're the supportive mother of a very straight stepson." "Oh, my God." "This changes my whole life." "Who is gonna help me pick out paint colors?" "Who is gonna thank me when he wins his Tony for best costume design in a musical?" "Well, maybe this baby will be gay." "This baby is a girl, Lillie Mae." "Lesbians aren't the same." "It's good to see that you've got your stereotypes in place." "Maybe it's not true." "It's true, Kim." "Sage told me himself." "Sage came to you, and not me?" "I have to go." " Oh, Kim, come on." " No, no, no." "Mm." "So..." "Vegas?" "Really?" "* *" "What are you doing?" "I'm nesting, Reba." "I wanted to clean, you know, bu it can't find that thing that you attach to the vacuum." "The cord?" "No." "Consuela, the woman that pushes it." "Look, Kim, please don't be upset." "All that stuff that Sage told me," "I scared it out of him." "It's not like he chose to come to me before he came to you." "No, that is not the point." "The point is that he never comes to me, Reba." "And why should he?" "He doesn't see me as a mom." "I'm no kind of mother at all." "Oh, of course you are." "I mean, you said so yourself that you are crushing it as a mom." "Yeah, but when I said "crushing it,"" "I meant more in the sense of, like, completely sucking at it." "Reba, what am I gonna do?" "My cervix is expanding as we speak, and I have no idea how to be a mother." "That's why I was going to clean, because that's something moms do and you have to start somewhere." "Okay." "Okay." "You need to calm down." "Oh, my God!" "I don't even know what floor my washing machine is on." "That's not calming down." "Okay." "So we're gonna go sit down, okay?" " Yeah." " Here you go." "Breathe." "You know what, Reba?" "I think I need to ask you just a little favor." "Yeah." "You name it." "What?" "Okay." "I'm gonna need you to raise this baby." "I have no motherly instinct." "Isn't that obvious by now?" "Kim, trust me." "There's not a new mama in this world that hasn't had the same feelings you had before she has her baby." "It's completely normal." "No." "No, it's not." " I remember when I first married Leslie..." " Mm-hmm." "Sage started calling me "mom."" "And I looked him dead in the eye and I said," ""no, no, sweetie." "You call me 'Kim'."" "You were just trying to ease into the process." "No." "I think I was just a young, hot wife that didn't wanna be perceived as a teenager's mother." "And since I look more like one of his friends," "I just decided to act like one." "Kim, they already have friends." "Our jobs as moms... and I'm gonna include you in that... is a tougher job." "We all want our kids to like us..." "Even though sometimes they don't want to." "The point is, we try to do what's best for our kids even though they don't like us when we do it." "Yeah, but how do you know you're doing anything right?" "Well, you don't exactly." "You just have to trust that you've done your job right." "And then one day you realize that you have to let 'em go..." "Let 'em be who they are..." "And then you go bowling." "Or you go to Vegas..." "Which is exactly what I'm gonna do." "Wait." "What... what about June and Sage?" "You know, either I've raised my daughter right or I haven't, and I think I have." "Besides, you're gonna be there to keep an eye on them." "You would trust me to do that?" "Well, of course I do." "You're a great mom." " Aw!" "(Giggles)" " But seriously, keep an eye of them." "No, I will." "I will." "All right." "Reba, thank you." "Oh, you bet." "I'll see you in a couple of days." " Okay." "Just one more thing." " Anything." "My water just broke." " What?" "!" "What?" "!" " Mm-hmm." "Oh, my gosh." "All right, hang in there." "Okay." "You're gonna be fine." "Don't panic." " Hoo." "Oh!" " Take a breath." " I'm gonna go call mama." " No, don't call her!" "Okay!" "Oh!" "Ow!" "Okay, Kim." "Remember your breathing." "Yeah, come on." "Hoo hoo hee." "Hoo hoo." "Hee hee hoo." " Hee hee hoo." " That's good." "Oh, forget about my breathing!" "I want my epidural!" "Okay, mama, this would be a good time for you to bust out some of your midwife training." "No, my training says that painkillers are unnecessary." "Okay, well, your training can go to hell!" "If you just pull over, I could deliver this baby." "Do not pull over!" "Okay, so Leslie just landed." "He's on his way." "Aw, thank you, Reba." "Thank you so much for everything." "You're very welcome." "Little Breeze, say hi to your auntie Reba." "Hey!" "I know. "Reba" is a weird name." "You'll get used to it." "Just look at her." "She's so perfect." "They always are when they're born." "It's only years later when they won't take you to Vegas that you realize they're evil." "You know, I already got her to nurse." "Oh." "I just hope I don't run out." "Yeah, I think you're good with that." "The gift shop was out of balloons, so I got you an egg salad sandwich." " Well, half of a sandwich." "I was starvin'." " Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "Thank you, darling." "Yeah." "Sage, you have any words of wisdom for your new baby sister?" "Hey." "You're a lucky girl, Breeze." "You got a great mom." "Aw." "What a wonderful thing to say, Sage." "Are you sure you're not gay?" "Sorry, Kim." "You know what?" "Why don't you call me mom?" "Okay..." "Mom." "Ooh." "Okay." "No, it's okay." "I'll get used to it." "Kim, why don't you let June hold the baby?" "Oh, I don't think I'm ready to do that yet." "You're right." "Mm." "You're not." "Just remember that."