"All right." "I'm all set." "I'm ready." "I'll be there in a second." "You know the wedding starts at 3:00?" "You've been getting dressed since sometime before dawn." "These people are probably divorced by now." "Keep your pants on." "Okay, that's the whole point." "My pants are on, you know?" "Took, like, five seconds." "Here, I'll do it again." "There." "3.2." "It's a Mexican wedding." "It's going to start late." "Yeah, well, I'm an American neurotic." "I like to be on time." "Okay?" "That's why they have time." "That's what time is." "Which do you like?" "Purple or pink?" "I can't tell the difference." "Just pick." "I don't care, either one." "You're gonna be the most beautiful woman there anyway." "Awthat's sweet." "Pick." "Pink." "Hm, okay, then I have to change my dress." "No!" "No!" "Purple, purple, come on." "All right." "Preciosa!" "La novia tenia celulitis." "That was my first Mexican wedding." "Wasn't it great?" "Yeah, I could have stayed for another 20 hours." "Yeah, I wish they'd told me it was an open bar." "I kept paying that guy." "Everything about that wedding was perfect." "I mean, the bride looked like Cinderella." "Everybody was happy, having a great time." "It was like something out of a stupid storybook." "I get it, Mom." "You're still mad about our wedding." "What wedding?" "I don't remember a wedding." "My sister Lola gets to throw her daughter the wedding of her dreams, and what do I get?" "Three weeks ago, you show up with this piece of work and a pair of souvenir dice from a chapel in Vegas." "In fairness, it was a very nice chapel in Vegas." "And we did get the Silver Package." "It was one of their top three packages." "Mom, our wedding was the happiest day of my life." "Mine, too." "It was romantic, spontaneous." "And we got to write our own vows." "Aw, really?" "You know who wrote my vows?" "Jesus Christ." " Good for you, Mom." " No, it's no big deal," "I just don't think I'm a better writer than Jesus Christ, that's all." "He's a good writer, huh?" "Well, all I know is when I saw the father of the bride dancing with his daughter..." "Well, I've never cried so much during a Black-Eyed Peas song." "You stole that from us, Rob." "I think "stole" is a strong word here." "He stole the whole wedding from us." "Well, let's just agree to disagree on this one." "Mi amor, listen." "Since the moment you were born, your father has been setting aside money so that you could have the wedding of your dreams." "He skipped a lot of lunches." "Used to get really hungry around 3:00." "He was hungry all afternoon, and now for nothing." "Well, if you still have all that money set aside," "I say, why not use it?" "Ah, see, I told you my brother was smart." "We could really do this;" "We could really give you a wedding this time, a real wedding." "Wait, a second wedding?" "Actually, I was thinking we could buy a monster truck." "Their wheels are this big." "You said he was coming for three days." "Why is he still here?" "Listen, listen." "We could make it a day that you remember your whole life." "I mean, the flowers, the music." "We fly the whole family in from Mexico." "It's a generous offer, but Rob and I don't need another wedding." "'Cause we're already married." "So, I guess you're stuck with me." "You know, I've been giving this whole wedding idea some thought." "Oh, honey, don't worry about it." "I won't let my parents force us into something we don't want to do." "Actually, I was thinking we should do it." "Really?" "I thought you hated weddings." "Oh, I do;" "They're boring, you know." "You have to go to church, all your relatives are there." "It's everything bad about a funeral plus dancing." "So what are you saying?" "I'm just tired of your family not liking me, you know?" "I was thinking, maybe if we had this wedding, they could finally give me a chance." "Wait, you'd do that?" "My parents would flip." "I love my family, don't get me wrong, but you guys actually talk to each other." "I find that kind of interesting." "So what do you think?" "Well..." "I have to admit, when I was a little girl," "I used to dream about a fairy-tale wedding." "You know, I used to take bridal magazines, and cut out a picture of me and paste it over the bride's face." "And then I'd cut out a picture of Marky Mark and paste it over the groom." "Mark Wahlberg?" "Are they the same guy?" "Maggie..." "Will you marry me again?" "Yes!" "Yes, yes!" "All right, all right, if you're not that excited about it, then forget it." "Everyone, we've got an announcement to make." "Rob, do you want to tell them?" "Well, I had to twist Maggie's arm, but she agreed to a second wedding." "Wonderful news." " Ahh." " Ahh." "I'm gonna call the Four Seasons." "Rob, best friend." "Congratulations." "And, uh..." "Shh, before you ask, yes, I'll be your best man." "I wasn't gonna ask." "Ah, too late." "I'm gonna throw you the best bachelor party of all time." "Thanks, but no thanks." "I'm not really a bachelor party kind of guy." "Ah, don't worry, there will be wine, women, images that haunt you until your death." "The works." "Champagne para todo el mundo." "Hey, a toast, a toast." "At last, I'll be able to give my little girl the proper wedding" "I've dreamed of since the day she was born." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "To the happiest day of my life." " Salud." "Salud." " Salud." "Ah, come on, let's have a special tequila, son." "Oh-ho, son, okay." " Wow." " Yeah, come on." "Okay, Dad." "Ah..." "Call it off." " What?" " The wedding, call it off." "You got to talk Maggie out of it." "But you just said this was the happiest day of your life." "Well, I lied." "You know that money I was supposed to be putting aside for Maggie's wedding since the day she was born?" "Yeah." "I lost it." "You lost it?" "All of it?" "No, not... yeah, all of it." "Rosa doesn't know." "Rosa must never know." "Well, how did you lose it?" "I made a bad investment on gold futures." "How do you lose money on gold futures?" "It was a horse named Gold Futures." "You gambled away your daughter's wedding money?" "It's not gambling if it's a sure thing." "Oh, yeah, sorry." "Rob, I didn't think she was ever gonna get married." "She was 30... 30." "That's like 60 in Mexican years." "Do you want me to come up with some money, or..." "No, no, Rosa will find out." "She's like a forensic accountant." "I just can't call it off now." "Please, Rob, please think of Maggie." "Think of her crying in disappointment in her father." "Don't make her cry, Rob." "Me?" "This is your fault." "Is it, Rob?" "Is it?" "Yes." "Come on, I was trying to get this family to like me." "Oh, you want the family to like you, huh?" "Hey, I'm gonna be your father-in-law for a very long time." "You know how many Sunday dinners over the next 20 years you're gonna have to look across the table and see me?" "You know how many?" "1,040." "Ah, got a little Rain Man thing going on here." "Hey, look, you don't want me as an enemy." "I'm petty, and I'm a liar, and I'm a gossip, and I hold a grudge like a nun." "You think the family doesn't like you now?" "Wait till I work my little magic." "You got it, son?" "Thanks a lot, Dad." "Oh..." "Here's Rob." "Oh, Rob, look, it's my mother's wedding dress." "Isn't it the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?" "Go get 'em, tiger." "Look." "Instead of a wedding cake, we could have a cupcake tree." "Isn't it fun?" "Do we need a fog machine?" "I don't know if we're fog machine people." "Uh-huh, uh-huh." "I mean, how excited are you really about this wedding?" "What do you mean?" "I mean, it's fun and all, but isn't it also not fun?" "I thought you wanted to do this." "Oh, I do, I do." "But let's maybe not do it." "What are you talking about?" "Come on, it would break my mother's heart." "And do you know how much this means to my father?" "I think I have a rough idea." "Then how could you even suggest backing out?" "Okay, um..." "Look, my dad's third wedding was gorgeous." "You know?" "I mean, he hired a guy just to hand-pick the doves." "There were hundreds of people there." "And they all cried." "My nanny never looked more beautiful." "But it didn't mean anything." "He married your nanny?" "Svetlana, nice girl." "But our wedding meant something." "It was just you and me, you know?" "Driving back through the desert." "It was like there was nobody else in the world." "It's like my whole life started that night." "That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard." "I think it's the sweetest thing I've ever said." "You know, you're right." "Our wedding was crazy and spontaneous, just like us, right?" "Right." "We had one beautiful wedding, and that's enough for me." "Are you sure?" "Yes." "I want to marry you all over again." "Except that I don't." " No, it's just an expression..." " No." "Shh." "I hope your mom won't be too disappointed when we tell her the wedding's off." "Ah, I'm sure she forgot all about it." "Hey." "Oh, it's the happy couple." "Good news, okay?" "A slot opened up at the Four Seasons three weeks from Sunday." "The groom came out of the closet." "So, I ordered an ice sculpture... one of a horse and one of a dolphin... and you pick the one that you like, and the other one we'll just grind up and put it in the drinks." "Mommy, could we talk upstairs for a minute?" "Ah." "Good idea, so the groom doesn't know too much, okay." "He's so cute." "I just want to put him in my pocket." "Rob, best friend." "Your bachelor party will be legendary." "I've already invited everyone on your phone." "Where'd you get that?" "I've been looking for this all morning." "When you sleep, you leave it on your bedside table, where anyone can get it." "Good people on your phone, huh?" "A lot of them already paid the $50 admission fee." "You're charging my friends $50?" "Don't worry." "When I get them on the bus, I jack up the price." "And the best part, my friend... it's gonna be a surprise bachelor party." "How can it be a surprise if you're telling me?" "Because some time between now and the wedding," "I will kidnap you, throw you in the trunk, and drive you to a secret location to party, huh?" "Surprise!" "Hurry up, Rob." "Rosa just bought a disco ball and a peacock." "Maggie's upstairs right now putting this wedding out of its misery." " Okay." " Hope you're happy, Dad." "I am." "But let's not do this son-dad thing anymore." "It's creeping me out." "I just hope Rosa takes this okay." "Ah, that's about what I expected." "Rob, can I speak to you for a moment, please?" "Is your name Rob?" "Don't back down." "Be a man." "I'll be in the garage." "I'll come back in here when you don't have a large kitchen knife in your hand." "Stay." "Okay, then." "Rob, I only have one child." "One precious, beautiful daughter." "And from the moment she was born," "I have dreamed of nothing but her wedding." "Her beautiful cake, her magnificent dress." "Don't take away my big day." "You..." "You mean Maggie's big day, right?" "When she gets a daughter, she can have a day." "It's my turn." "I'm on your side." "I agree." "It's-It's Maggie who's the one who's dead-set against it." "You know?" "You know what she's like." "She's like you." "Hmm." "Don't give me that crap, okay?" "I know what you did, and I know Maggie." "She wants a wedding." "I saw the magazine with all the faces cut out." "Look, I can't do this wedding for reasons that..." "It's personal." "I mean, it's a deep, dark family secret that I... haven't thought of yet." "Oh." "Okay." " Rob?" " Yes." "Come here." "You afraid of me?" "Afraid of you?" "No, I..." "Yes, I'm a little afraid, yes." "You should be." "Look into my eyes." "Oh, my God, they're like a shark's." "Mm-hmm." "Rob, I am your wife's mother." "Do you really want me as an enemy?" "Don't I already have you as an enemy?" "Oh, no." "This is friendly." "Now go get me my wedding." "Don't you need those vegetables?" "They served their purpose." "How'd it go?" "Maggie, I need to talk to you for a minute." "Maggie, mija, hey, uh, can you do your old man a favor?" "I need my reading glasses, and they're upstairs on the... on the table next to my bed." "Oh, okay, sure, Papi." " I'll be right back." " Thanks, mija." "It's upstairs on the table." "What are you doing?" "What do you mean?" "She talked you back into it, didn't she?" "I know that look of surrender in your face." "I've seen it in the mirror a thousand times." "You're a bigger coward than I am." "She threatened me with a knife." "Did she do the shark eyes?" "I'm still a little shaky." "Yeah, scary, huh?" "But sexy, huh?" "The heart wants what the heart wants." "Don't forget what I told you, Rob." "I'm a very desperate and petty man." "Don't make me tell them what I found in your car." " What did you find?" " I don't know." "I haven't put it in there yet." "But I'll think of something good." "Uh, Rob, quick question as I plan the festivities." "On a scale of one to ten, how gay are you?" "One." "One." "The most gay." "Good to know." "I'll have to change some things, hmm?" "Look, Hector, this isn't a good time." "What's wrong, best friend?" "You seem troubled." "That's 'cause I am troubled." "Come." "Tell Hector." "I'm not gonna tell you anything." "I'm your best friend here." "Aren't I?" "My God, that's right." "So, unburden yourself." "Fine." "Look, I really want to fit in with this family, and I thought that wedding would accomplish that." "Hmm." "Possible." "And then Fernando made me talk Maggie out of it." "Otherwise, he was gonna turn the whole family against me." "And then Rosa made me talk Maggie back into it, or apparently, she was gonna murder me with a large kitchen knife." "Hmm." "A conundrum." "Exactly." "What the hell am I supposed to do?" "Either way, somebody's gonna end up hating me." "Sometimes the most difficult thing to do is the right thing to do." "Tell the truth, and then, jump out that big window there." "That's your advice?" "That's what I always do." "Dad?" "I couldn't find your glasses anywhere." " Oh." " Hey, Maggie?" "You know, I was thinking, you know, about this wedding." " Mm-hmm." " Why don't we just do it, you know?" "What?" "But what about your dad's wedding to the nanny that didn't mean anything?" "Well, you know, thinking back on it, it's a lot better than I made it sound, you know?" "There was a really good DJ, all the other nannies got to be bridesmaids." "But then again, you know, it's a huge waste of time and money." "You can't argue about that." "Except to say, you can't put a price on happiness, now, can you?" "I can't." "Who can?" "I can't." "Okay, Rob, what are you talking about?" "I'm saying we can't have a wedding or not have a wedding." "I mean, it's pretty obvious." "I mean, I think, you know, I can't." "We can't have a wedding... not." "We can't not not tie the knot." "We can't not not... we can't not tie not..." "Rob, stop it!" "First you want a wedding, then you don't want a wedding." "And now you're acting like a crazy person." "Okay, whatever's going on with you..." "I'm tired of it." "Okay, look, I want to make everybody in the family happy, but I'm not gonna do it at the risk of my relationship with Maggie." "Look, Fernando made me talk you out of it because he gambled away all your wedding money." " What?" " And your mom..." "The only reason she wants a big wedding is for herself." "You've told the truth now?" "The window." "'Nando, how could you?" "You gambled away all the money we set aside?" "Oh, you wanted this whole thing just for you." "It's not gambling." "The horse couldn't lose." " Oh, come on!" "It did lose!" " How could it lose?" "And I didn't get a wedding, and she doesn't get a wedding." "Enough!" "I can't believe any of you, okay?" "Rob, kitchen now." "I can find my own way, thank you." "They threatened me with knives and gossip, I swear." "Yeah, sometimes that's what being part of my family is all about." " Plus, guilt." " So, what do you want to do?" "You want to have a wedding, not have a wedding?" "I'll do whatever it is you want to do." "I'll even pay for it." "I love you, and I loved our wedding." "Really, the only thing missing was those lunatics out there." "You mean your family." "I mean, our family." "Our family." "Look, if my parents want a wedding, let's give them a wedding." "Then by the power vested in me by the state of Nevada, I now pronounce you husband and wife." "You may kiss the bride." "Uh, debit or credit?" "You know, that was so much fun." "We should get married every month." "And we still have a reservation at the Four Seasons." "I'll call my mom." "No, please, please, no, no, no, no." "That's why I love you." "You're so easy." " I am not easy." " I'll meet you in the bedroom." "Okay, I'm easy." " Surprise!" " No." "Oh." "No, no, no." "Uh, this is gonna be fun."