"Ah, the last day of the school year" "Today is the day we seniors celebrate graduation and move on with our lives" "It's also the day the entire campus takes part in the annual 24 hour party starting at 6 AM" "I love it here at college" "That's me and my twin brother Evan" "Evan and I are part of a fraternity and not just any fraternity" " Iota Gamma Chi" "By far the wildest fraternity on campus" "We're celebrating the last day in true academic form" "Starting off with a traditional 6 AM pajama party" "Then a pig roast in the afternoon" "If we aren't passed out yet we'll go take a couple final exams" "Tonight we'll activate the pledges and throw one last kick ass party" "Sounds great huh" "My brother and I are so fucking depressed" "We've been dreading this day for 4 years" "We don't want to graduate" "This is officially the worst day of our entire lives" "Where the fuck is Jake and Evan" "I think they're sleeping" "Sleeping?" "It's 6 AM, time to party" "Yeah!" "Let's go get 'em" "Wake up bitches" "Get drunk, let's get drunk" "Wake up bitches" "Whoo, yeah, party" "Hey, you guys this is the final day of the college year" "Also known as the last day of college partying" "Make the most of it; honestly this time next year you're going to wish you were back in college" "Party, yeah The girls are here" "No kidding, where the hell have you been" "I just woke up" "Scooter, you might make it to first base today" "That's very funny Keggar, you know, just kick me while I'm down." "Today is your day Scooter" "I need to get laid;" "I have never gotten laid" "I know" "Come get some;" "let's get drunk" "Hey honestly, this is your last day of college partying for the rest of your lives." "Make the most of it" "Hello, hey dad." "What" "No, some of the guys downstairs are just playing some music" "Drinking" "No, it's only 6 AM dad" "Yeah, you know I just don't know if Evan and I want to go into the banking business" "Yes Sir" "No, sir" "O.K., we'll see you and Mom early tomorrow then" "Alright, sir" "Jake, Evan, want some beerios" "I'll take some beerios Alright" "No, no, no beerios; come dance with us" "Hey Brandon, you got some beers for us man" "Nope, but I got some shots for ya' you fucking pussies" "Yeah, O.K., they're coming to dance with us anyway" "I'm not dancing" "No, no we don't wanna dance" "No dancing" "Hey girls, you want to" "Oh my God, O.K., O.K., O.K." "Ready, 1, 2, 3" "Maybe we could dance a little bit" "Dancing is my favorite pastime" "I love dancing" "Hey, this is awkward, but I'm just going to say it" "My friend told me that you think I'm cute and I think you are, like, the hottest guy on campus" "I've had a crush on you, like, all year" "Really, Oh my God, I, I've been trying to ask you out all year, but I couldn't figure out how" "You're really hot" "Um, I'm not talking to you;" "I'm on the phone" "Oh my God, this really creepy guy just tried..." "Man, this is bull" "This is bullshit, 6 freaking AM and I'm running around like a jerk serving drinks" "You know what, I'm out of here" "Hold on, hold on, this is the last day" "You're not quitting now" "Alright man, Alright" "I don't know why I'm doing this though I mean do you" "I don't know Respect, Brotherhood" "My dad was a Gamma Chi, so if Iwant him to pay for my schooling I have to become one" "You really believe all that shit" "You really believe all that shit John" "About brotherhood and all that" "Yes I do" "These guys are great guys" "We just need to get through pledging, you'll see" "That's not why I'm here" "So why the hell are you here" "What, are you serious" "Pussy man, pussy" "Shoot, this frat gets laid more than any other frat on campus" "And you know what I'm talking about" "Yeah that's right" "Hey, Hey, check out my boy Adam over there" "And you know what I'm talking about" "Ah, here you go Jeff" "Thank you sir" "Yeah You good" "Do you want to go up to my room" "I don't know, what for" "So I can show you my baseball bat" "Ah, is it a Louisville Slugger" "Nope, it's a Hong Kong Slugger" "It's a much bigger city" "Well, do you have any condoms" "Oh yeah" "Alright, let's go" "Um, hi" "I live here" "So," "Ah, you want to see my room" "What for" "Well, I, I, I, want to show you my bowling ball" "Oh, how many balls do you have" "Just the one" "What's up Stephanie" "Oh, just talking to the Uni-baller here" "Let's go Anytime you're ready old man" "Keggar my friend" "You do not deserve to be called Keggar" "Compared to me you're just little old Jason who can't drink with the big boys" "This isn't 1999 anymore" "I'm the fastest in the frat now" "Fossil, I need your help" "Ah, I'm a little busy right now When then" "Ah, O.K., real quick what can I help you with" "Can we please do this" "Pa Pa Patience boy" "Continue I don't want to say" "Well then you don't get any help" "Today" "Look, I can't get laid" "Just forget it" "No, no, you know who has 2 thumbs that can help you get laid" "This guy" "So, hey, swing by my room a little bit later and I'll help you out" "Alright when" "Whenever, later" "Sure, ah I'm picking up a 90 pound pig at 10:00" "Why don't you come by at 11?" "11, alright thanks" "No problem" "Can we please do this old dude" "Son, I'm going to teach you a lesson in respecting your elders" "Elders, more like social security recipient" "Now if you don't mind my lady, you can count us down" "Ready, set, drink" "Go, Go, Go" "Done" "No, we can't your roommate will hear" "So what, I'm going to tell him anyway" "It wasn't enough time" "What 4 years" "4 years of college and that's all you get" "You think it's going to last forever, but it's not" "Between today and the day we die we never get to go to college again" "I walked around campus all last night" "Yeah" "Everything seemed different" "I know" "The building the quad, none if it seemed right" "It's like they tell you, you know, find a major that interests you for a career" "Nothing interests me, I don't want a fucking career" "You know what I want my career to be" "Playing soccer for the school team" "Making out with chicks" "You know, drinking beer" "Walking around with my shirt off all day like an idiot" "That's what I want my career to be" "You know what it is" "Suddenly we don't belong here anymore" "For 4 years they tell us this is your home" "And then one day you wake up and you don't belong here anymore" "You know what I feel like" "Yeah" "I feel like Lucifer" "I feel like Michael is chucking me out of paradise" "This is the worst day of my life" "That was dad on the phone" "They're letting us stay at home for the summer while we learn the banking business" "Oh yeah, that sounds horrible" "Their picking us up at 6 A.M." "6 A.M." "You know dad, he likes to get an early start" "I can't do it bro'" "I can't and I won't" "I'm not leaving" "What are you talking about" "I'm not leaving and neither are you" "Dad ain't paying for another year of college" "You got 20 grand because I don't" "The school charges rent, you know" "I'm not getting a job Evan" "We won't get real jobs" "We'll coach soccer at the local soccer camp this summer" "Evan, you're my brother and I love you" "I'm not leaving you behind" "You're really staying" "I'm not going anywhere" "This is my home" "How are we going to pull it off" "I have no idea, but I know I can't do it without you bro'" "We in this together, 50-50" "O.K. man, I mean, I'm with you one hundred percent" "I don't know how we're staying, but we're staying" "Maybe we'll leave college one day, but not today" "Not today" "Evan and I had less than 24 hours to secure ourselves a 5th year" "We knew we needed some help" "And if there was one guy in our fraternity that could help us" "It was Greg Karanoski" "The guy had been in college for close to a decade" "He was a legend" "We called him Fossil" "So, we figured if anyone could help us it would be you" "You figured right fellas" "I'm an 8 year senior" "Triple major, quadruple minor" "Currently majoring in the breeding habits of advanced primates" "Basically, I have a quarter million dollars of education crammed into this skull" "Alright Fossil, we don't need your credentials" "Just tell us how we do it, how do we stay" "How to stay" "Gentleman, the following are sacred rules" "Fossil's commandments if you will" "Rule number 1;" "No summer classes ever" "The campus is dead and nobody is around" "And you're even getting closer to graduation" "Stupid" "Secondly, I want the two of you to enroll in Trigonometry" "Trig is arguably the hardest course that this college has to offer" "Wait, wait, wait why do we want to sign up for a hard class" "Because, even your parents are scared to death of Trigonometry" "Therefore, they will be supportive and understanding when you fail" "Obviously, rule number 2" "Take Trigonometry as many times as possible" "I have personally failed Trigonometry 5 times" "Now that's 15 credit hours" "I personally owe an entire extra semester to Trigonometry" "Wow" "Rule number 3" "Beer is your friend" "The more you drink the more you'll get out of the college experience" "However, somewhere around your 3rd senior year" "You should check yourself into rehab for alcoholism" "But don't worry Your parents won't be angry" "I mean you're just a poor, young, impressionable soul with a problem" "They'll actually think you're growing up because you're seeking help" "Besides, at rehab the food is phenomenal" "And the babes, they're fucking sluts" "Tell Pam I said hi" "Alright dude, this is all great stuff" "But we don't have any time" "We're being picked up in 20, 19 hours" "Do you have any tests left" "Yeah, we have our history 404 final at noon" "Fail it" "What" "Fossil rule number 4" "Fail your last test" "Your parents have already paid for 99% of your college education" "Do you really think they are going to call it quits because you've come 3 credits shy" "Fuck no" "Fail your last test and you'll be right back here next year taking that same class again in the fall" "Dude that might work" "Of course it will work" "Ah dude thanks Fossil" "Fossil you're awesome" "Hey, no problem" "Now, are we alright here guys" "Absolutely, thanks dude" "Alright, I don't want to be rude but I'm going to ask you guys to run along" "Scooter's got an 11 o'clock booked" "Ah, Scooter you out there" "Get back here you pussies, get" "Can't leave until the keg is finished" "Get back here" "You, pledge" "Why don't you drink you skirt wearing pussy" "Shove it up your ass bitch" "Give me those chips" "Give me those chips" "Ah, Fuck" "I'll shove 'em down your throat" "Fuck, Fuck" "Give me those chips" "Hey, Kegger is getting laid" "Yeah, give it to her Kegger" "Whoa, is that chick French" "Holy shit" "They're fags" "We're spinning our wheels here Scooter" "It's either you're going to take my advice or you're not" "I can't help you if you're too scared" "I can't" "Sure you can you just have to be smooth on the phone" "I can't" "Women can smell fear" "That's why it's important that you act like you don't care if she's fucking the entire football team" "Because you my friend are having sex with the cheerleading squad" "The pom squad, their younger sisters, their grandmas at home" "Everyone in the entire arena for you fuck her, fuck her" "I can't do it Fossil" "Scooter, of course you can" "I'm going to show you this once, but only this one time, O.K." "Yeah" "Now, I'm going to show you, but you have to pay attention" "Now, what's this girl's name" "Kerry" "And what's her number 616-555-3836" "Wait, you're not going to call her are you" "You want to get laid don't you" "No, I mean yeah, I, I, I mean" "Alright, now you want to go out on a date with this girl" "Let me set it up" "It's ringing" "Answering machine" "No, hang up hang up" "No, no, no, I got this" "Hey Kerry, this is Greg over at the Gamma Chi house" "Um, I'm just hanging out with my buddy Scooter" "And he was just telling me what a beautiful smile he thinks you have" "And on top of that he went down to the gallery and saw some of your work" "Now he can't stop talking about how talented he thinks you are" "Well, anyway we are over here just watching my younger brother and his puppy" "Well, anyway if you're interested in swinging by with some of your friends" "Why don't you give me a call 555-9452, talk to you then bye" "You're going to get laid tonight Scooter, panties are going to drop, drop" "Dude, we don't have a puppy" "Who cares, women being lied to" "Hey, as long as I get laid" "Laid, oh you will get laid" "I think I know this chick" "She's put on the old freshmen 15 but let me tell ya" "Total freak" "O.K. time is up" "Put your pencils down and past your test to the left and forward" "Results of the test will be posted outside my office" "I'm going to go to lunch now" "When I get back I'm going to put all these through the scantron" "So, the results should be up in about 2 hours" "For all you juniors out there have a great summer" "Seniors, finally your wait is over and you can join the workforce" "Good luck to you all" "How did you do on the test" "I think I might have got a D minus" "Ah, I wouldn't worry about it" "You probably came through with a well deserved F" "Yeah, you're right I failed" "That's what I'm talking about" "Coming back next year bro' 5th year, baby" "5th year" "Let's go get some fucking chicks" "Hey, was that you mud wrestling" "Yeah" "I saw that shit it was bad ass" "Hey, what did you get on the test" "Winston" "What's up fellas" "What's up" "I'm pretty sure I aced the test and because my good old boy Brandon copied off of mine" "I'm pretty sure he aced it to" "You aced the test, yeah right" "Bro, just because I can drink twice as much beer as you" "And bang twice as many chicks as you" "Does not mean that I'm not a 4.0 History major" "Hey, my man Winston here could ace that test in his sleep" "I think I did" "What's that" "Ah, Um, Look you guys want to know what the correct answers were on the test" "Yeah, tell me what was the answer to number 7" "Um, 7 is uh Costa Rica" "I got Costa Rica" "Me too" "Hey, what did you get for the last one, 1847" "Yup, Yup" "What about the first one, what was your answer on the first one." "First one, the, uh, Belize 1472" "Oh shit" "Look who cares about the test boys" "C'mon let's party" "Here's the thing, we tried to throw the test" "But the answers we thought were wrong were right" "We should have studied more" "Wait, why would we study for a test we were trying to fail" "Because you have to know what the right answers are in order to pick the wrong ones" "Why did you 2 numbnuts even show up for the exam anyway" "Well, so what do we do now Fossil" "Fossil rule number 5" "Cheat, when all else fails just cheat" "Dude it's too late to cheat" "And when even cheating fails to work" "Rule number 6" "Steal the test" "Now, logically you would want to do this before the test" "But somehow the two of you have been defying logic" "What I need you to do is break into your professor's office" "Steal the test and change all of your right answer to the wrong ones" "What if we get caught" "What if you get caught, who the fuck cares" "What's the worst that can happen to you" "They kick you out of school They're kicking you out tomorrow anyway" "Um, what the fuck you guys looking at me for" "I don't have the test" "Get out of here you are interrupting my espresso time" "Pick the lock What?" "Pick the lock" "What the hell do I know about picking locks" "I thought you knew karate" "I got a yellow belt at the YMCA like 12 years ago" "And I don't know what that has to do with anything" "Use your keys then" "Use my keys to do what" "To pick the lock" "I'm pretty sure I don't have the key to his office" "And I don't think the wrong key is going to work" "That's the entire idea behind keys" "Use your credit card" "Dad cut up our credit cards" "Friday 11:22 a.m." "Hey Kerry this is Greg over at the Gamma Chi house" "Um, I'm just hanging out with my buddy Scooter" "And he was just telling me what a beautiful smile he thinks you have" "And on top of that he went down to the gallery and saw some of your work" "Now he can't stop talking about how talented he thinks you are" "Well, anyway we are over here just watching my younger brother and his puppy" "Well, anyway if you're interested in swinging by with some of your friends" "Why don't you give me a call 555-9452, talk to you then bye" "You're going to get laid tonight Scooter, panties are going to drop, drop" "Dude, we don't have a puppy" "Who cares, women love being lied to" "Hey, as long as I get laid" "Laid, oh you will get laid" "I think I know this chick" "She's put on the old freshmen 15 but let me tell ya" "Total freak" "Scooter" "Hey Kerry, hey did you get my message" "Yeah you know I sure did" "I'm really glad you could make it We have some beer over here" "Goal" "Adam, those are holier than thous" "Dude, some of them are hot" "Um, is that alcohol that everyone is drinking" "Yeah, do you want one or not" "I thought you said this was a barbeque" "It is a barbeque, do you want one" "We don't drink" "Why not" "We're Christians" "Unpucker your assholes" "Uh, why that is the rudest" "You know Jesus turned water into wine not mango juice" "I'll have a beer" "Jane What, he's right" "You know, Christian girls are best on their knees" "You know we should get that put on a T-shirt" "Shut up Jane" "I'm thinking about going to the new gym in town" "They have a lot more free weights there" "They would let me in for free also" "It's good for them to have a big guy like me there" "I'm putting up like 310, 325" "Ah, I need another beer It was nice talking to you though" "Wait a minute, hold on" "Pledges" "Can't you see this women needs a beer" "I'm fine really" "Get her a beer now" "You two give me 20 push ups" "Why" "Because I said so that's why" "Make it 50" "Jerk" "Great, make it 100" "Just go until I say stop" "I'm not getting laid now because of you two little cock blocks" "Wait until you meet The General" "The General is coming tonight" "You, poor that beer down your dress" "Kerry was just over at the barbeque" "She came right up to me and kicked me in the balls" "Your plan sucked" "Dude, calm down" "This is great news" "How is that possibly great news" "Scooter, it is the primal instinct for the female to kick the male in the genitalia" "When ready to mate" "This is basically a sign that the female has chosen her male to reproduce with" "Fossil that is the biggest load of shit I have ever heard" "Remember I am an A student in my major" "Breeding habits of advanced primates" "I'm like the Dahli fucking Lama of this shit" "You're an A student" "Well, I'm a student" "Yeah, right let's move on" "Look, you screwed things up" "It's all right I screwed up" "What did I do, I did what you told me to do" "Scooter, have you ever seen a women naked" "Yeah, yeah of course I have" "Who, when, where" "You know, on the uh" "T.V., magazines, the internet" "You know, lots of times dude" "Oh boy, looks like you're going to need a little more help than I thought" "I'm going to have to really reach into the bag of tricks for this one" "Do you have anyone else in mind" "I don't know" "I want to get laid" "But I really like Kerry" "You've already screwed things up with Kerry" "Do you have anything else in mind" "Well I don't know if I want anyone else Fossil" "I mean I really like her" "Oh, that's cute" "Now, man up, grab your sack" "And let's figure out how to get your dipstick into some oil" "Alright, we'll need some tight shirts" "Expensive shoes, tight pair of jeans" "Maybe a little man perfume" "Huh, What am I going to need that stuff for" "Because you're going to pretend to be gay" "What, no Fossil Fuck no" "Scooter, I pretended to be gay my entire 3rd senior year" "I got laid more than carpet" "You meet a girl, become best friends" "Go shopping, maybe get a facial" "And then you give them the line" "I could never imagine myself with a woman" "Next thing you know they're on top of you" "Congratulations bro, for the second time" "Who would of thought failing a test would be so much work" "Hey Jeff, Jeff" "What happened to your skirt man" "Sir, Pledge Master Kegger instructed me to pour beer down my pants, sir" "Alright, that's enough with the sir business" "You can just call me Jake Alright" "Man, that Kegger guy is a complete asshole" "Yeah, he can be" "But you didn't hear that from us" "Jeff go up into my room and grab yourself a clean pair of pants" "Thanks you, sir" "Uh, Jake, thanks" "Are we going to have to really drown a kitten tonight" "Come here" "Do you really think that my brother and I would be in this frat if we did" "Look, it's going to be tough tonight" "But you're going to get through it" "And it's going to be totally worth it" "Thanks a lot guys" "Can I get you guys a beer" "Yeah sure I'll take another brew" "Yeah, me too Take your time" "Thanks guys" "Hey babe I'm Freddie" "I like your style sexy" "Um, look it's not what it looks like alright" "It's alright honey" "I had trouble coming out of the closet for years" "I'm not in the closet" "I don't even own a closet" "You know I have one of those poles on my wall to hang my clothes on" "Look this is just a plan O.K." "I'm not gay I'm trying to get laid" "Will you please just let me go" "Hey, take it easy" "We just met" "Let's take things a little slower" "And there will be plenty of time for lovin" "Oh yeah" "Hey guys do you want one" "One what exactly" "Hey common let's go and make sure we failed" "Are the hot dogs done yet" "No baby and neither are you" "Alright people excuse me pardon me" "Hey what the fuck" "Frat boys, what are you doing" "Hey my name is on that" "My grade's on there" "We need to see our grade" "You said Winston was a History major" "He is a History major" "Hey, then why didn't he know any of the right answers to the test" "You're a History major why didn't you know any of the wrong ones" "Ah shut up Evan" "Dude you wanted to take History in the first place" "Yeah, to take it not to pass it" "Fuck you know we had all the answers wrong and we failed" "But we had to go back and change all the answers because of you" "You wanted to change them to Jake" "Yeah, but I wouldn't have wanted to if you hadn't have talked to Winston in the first place" "Dude we both talked to Winston" "Winston came up to both of us and said hi" "No, you went up to Winston and said hey what did you get on the test" "Yeah" "Fuck Sorry" "You know were like 13, 14 hours away from becoming financial bankers" "Let's go see Fossil" "So let me see if I'm getting this here" "You originally had all the answers wrong" "But for some reason thought you had all the answers right" "So you broke into your professor's office Stole the test" "Changed all your answers to what you thought were the wrong answers" "But actually changed them to the right answers and then passed the test" "Am I getting this" "Yeah that about covers it" "How in the fuck is that possible" "I have no idea" "What did you get" "A" "Straight A" "So what do we do now" "Alright, I didn't want to have to go in this direction" "But you guys have to get some scholarships" "Dude I barely pulled a C average" "I got a 2.3 and for the last 4 years have done absolutely no community service" "I've never helped out in any group or organization in any fucking way" "Do I look like an A student to you" "I don't even know where the fuck I slept last night" "But I do know I have tons of scholarships rolling in each and every semester" "How's that" "Rule number 7" "Hit on high school chicks" "Get one to ask you to prom" "Dude were 22 years old" "We're not going to prom" "Ever heard the expression off like a prom dress" "I believe it speaks for itself" "Well, anyway if you go to prom in a tuxedo" "And your date wears a dress made of duct tape" "You can basically win up to $2,500 in scholarship money for college" "I'm the 3 year reigning scholarship winner" "I don't believe this guy" "No way" "This is a load of crap" "No seriously it's a real scholarship" "Now I've already been invited to prom this year" "But just so you guys know I did invite a couple of high school chicks today" "Actually even a few hot ones at the barbeque right now" "No shit" "No shit I'm the shit" "Rule number 8" "You don't have to be sober to cook" "I am an excellent cook" "You can't cook" "Ever heard of Fossil's famous cherry pie" "No, he does make a mean cherry pie I'll give him that" "The guy makes a hell of a cherry pie" "You're damn right I do" "You're looking at the 2005 2006 Mr. Cherry Pie Scholarship Award Winner" "That's a cool grand each year for college" "You can't cook" "That's not even a real scholarship" "You bet your ass it is" "Basically I just bake a little weed into the pie" "Judges will vote for anything if their high" "Fossil rule number 9" "It's not a lie if you believe it" "Basically just tell a lie so many times that even you forget if it's the truth or not" "For example I'm getting scholarships for Cancer, Leukemia, Tuberculosis" "I think I'm getting one for being a single parent" "But it's up to you guys to figure out what your story is going to be" "What the lie is going to be" "So, if you guys don't mind" "Go get some scholarships" "It's time for me to take my meds" "Did I mention I have glaucoma" "So, what high school do you go to" "Oh, I go to East and my best friend Joy she goes to East" "But now she goes to CC" "And she promised to be best friends forever" "But I'm not sure anymore" "Because she's friends with this girl named Paula" "And Paula's a total bitch" "And I really wanted to go to the mall one day and she wouldn't let me go" "So, so your high school" "Does it have a prom Oh yeah" "Wait, whoa" "Are you asking me to go to prom" "Yeah" "Oh my God, Oh my God" "Joyce is going to be so jealous I'm going to prom with a college guy" "I have to tell her right now" "Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God" "So, I was thinking about what we could wear" "There's this scholarship Yeah, I got this pink dress with a white trim on it" "And it's going to cost about $300 of your money" "Because it's from a really expensive store I really like" "But I haven't even been there in years And I really want to go there" "Actually I was thinking we could both go in duct tape" "But duct tape doesn't come in pink" "Besides I have this black tux for you with a pink cumber bun" "And we're going to totally match" "And your twin should really go with my best friend" "So we can go to this really expensive restaurant" "Because I totally don't want to eat and not look fat in my dress" "And I want to get their late so I look like the shit when I get to the ball" "Do you have any idea what just happened to me" "Did you get laid" "No, my God no I didn't get laid" "Did you at least get close" "Yeah we got to first base" "Rounded 2nd and thank God we didn't get to 3rd" "Hey, second base That's not bad" "No, it was, it was with a man you idiot" "Yeah that is a possible unfortunate side effect to that plan" "Did that ever happen to you" "Nope, never" "Yeah, yeah I'll see you" "Oh, and don't call Kerry alright" "I don't want any more of your help" "You got it Alright, sure" "You know I was kicked in the balls" "The girl that I like hates me" "And I was taken advantage of by a man" "That's where your idiot help has gotten me" "I'll stay out of it" "Fine" "Have a nice day" "Hey Kerry this is Greg from the Gamma Chi house again 26... 27... 28" "You pansies you think we're being hard on you" "The alumni are coming tonight" "The General's coming" "He's not taking any prisoners" "You guys just wait" "We've been easy on you" "Wait and see what it's like to be in hell with Satan running things" "That my friends is what it's like to have The General pledge you" "Not bad boys, not bad" "You, good effort with you man" "Thank you sir" "You two should learn from this guy" "You want a beer man" "Yes, thank you" "Oh, does that taste good" "Does it taste good" "Yes sir, thank you sir" "You're my little bitch you know that" "Don't just stand there Get a mop" "Have some pride in your fraternity house" "We got to go see Fossil" "Fossil, do you notice that none of Fossil's plans ever work" "Or even come close to working" "I don't know what to do Jake" "Yeah, well neither do I I'm desperate" "This is Jake This is Evan" "This is there last day of college here" "Dan what the hell are you doing" "Oh sorry" "This is Ushmad and Ashot" "They are foreign exchange students from India" "It is O.K. if we are to say hello to you" "Oh, we are working on fraternity story" "Ushmad and Ashot are journalism majors" "And they are working on a fraternity story about life here next year" "And I figured I would give them a head start and show them around a bit Is that alright" "Today is your last day of college yes" "Looks that way" "Oh, you are very very fortunate" "My brother and I must spend 3 more years prior to receiving diplomas" "You can have mine" "I am sorry" "So you guys stay here during the summers too" "Yes, it is very much a homesick time" "We will not return to home for 3 whole years" "And your parents They don't ever visit" "No, it is too far away" "And they are very busy" "So, these checks" "You get tuition and living expenses" "Oh, oh yes he sends full tuition" "Plus $300 each a month for spending money" "Tuition Spending money" "So, ah, do these checks" "Do they cover room and board also" "Oh very much so" "Included in full tuition" "Well, we must return to dormitory now" "It was pleasure meeting you" "Thanks guys we'll see ya tonight at pledging" "Bro' here's the plan" "I enjoyed my meetings with both of them" "They were nice Very good" "But Americans we have such misconception" "Our country it is not the same No." "It is not" "Ah, what are you doing" "Good God" "Get off of me Get off of me" "Get this kid" "Let go" "Get over here Jake What are you doing?" "Jake" "Lets go No no please" "Get off of me Get off of us" "Fuck yeah bro'" "Hopefully this will work Were coming back" "I'm really sorry about everything" "Um, I'm normally not that kind of guy" "Well, you seem alright now that we've got to talk for a while" "And I'm so sorry I beat you up" "That Fossil" "Talk about an A one asshole" "Fossil" "No, Fossil's a little strange" "But overall a good guy" "He was there when I needed help and" "You're going to want to hear this" "Hey Kerry this is Greg over at the Gamma Chi house again" "Just calling to invite you to our pursuit of worldly knowledge with handcuffs party tonight" "Anyway, I don't blame you for kicking Scooter in the nuts this afternoon" "The guy is a little woos" "I wouldn't like him if I were a girl either" "Forget about that looser" "Come over tonight" "Handcuff yourself to me and we'll have a great time alright" "See you tonight" "That son of a bitch" "Do you want to get back at him" "I think I have an idea" "Alright we need to find their student I.D.'s" "Bring them back to Fossil and he can put our pictures right on them" "I wonder if they have Indian porn" "Get out of here Ushmad" "Indian porn, Indian porn" "What the hell is this" "Dude I found the checks" "What the hell is this" "Dear Ushmad and Ashot" "Fuck" "What" "Their grandma died So?" "So, they have to go home for a year" "We can't use them to go to college" "Why did she have to die" "No, no" "Every single rule Fossil had entrusted in us" "Turned out to be a complete God damn disaster" "Somehow we always ended up worse than when we started" "It's all over" "It's 5 o'clock and our parents are coming in 13 hours" "And we have absolutely no options left" "Today was really going to be our last day of college" "Well, might as well smoke a bowl and get laid" "So Kegger, Brandon told me that you fucked a pledge today dude" "No, you fucked the pledge" "Oh yeah me, no" "He had his legs all straddled up around you" "Don't listen to this shit Don't listen to that shit" "C'mon little bro'" "Ah yeah pass it to the left" "Yeah let's go pass it to the left" "No to the right" "You know what you're like a 400 pound light weight" "So, I'll see you your fucking socks And I'll raise you my boxers for your panties" "Panties, let's see some panties" "Yeah" "Oh yeah, let's see what you got" "O.K. I got 3 kings" "Hell yeah" "Go get some" "Not so fast boys" "Flush" "Oh, yeah" "Yeah, yeah take it off" "Fuck" "Alright alright" "Ah dude" "Hey dude easy" "Hey hey, yo" "Jesus Christ" "Oh yeah, bing, bing, bing..." "Is that your super sock that you're wearing" "Oh fuck Evan Mom and Dad are here" "Get up, get up you fucking idiot Mom and Dad are here" "C'mon God Damn it Fuck, fuck" "Where the fuck are my pants Ah fuck." "Where the fuck are my pants" "You just grabbed my fucking cock" "Where the fuck are my Oh shit" "They are so gay" "Girls what are we going to do now" "You're the only one not naked" "C'mon lets go Ah yeah" "Mom, Dad" "You look messy" "How are my soon to be graduate boys" "Well mom" "Great to see you son" "Great to see you sir" "Son, are you O.K." "Ah, he's fine sir" "Mom, how are you" "Good Jake" "It's so good to see you" "Let's go inside so I can start packing your clothes" "Well, I thought that you and Dad would be here at 6 A.M." "Like we talked about on the phone Right Dad" "I thought I'd allow your mother a head start on packing your clothes, moving stuff out of the room" "Wow, what a great surprise" "We can't" "Well why not" "Because" "Because we have a meeting across campus in 20 minutes" "With a History Professor" "Really, which professor" "Ah, History Professor Hughes" "Professor Hughes" "H-U-G-H-E-S" "Yeah, that's right Do you know him" "Sounds familiar" "But I've never met a History Professor Hughes before" "You weren't going to see the professor looking like that were you" "No, no I thought we had left our nice clothes out here on the porch" "Well, looks like we didn't" "We're just going to go inside and throw something on" "I got a great idea" "Why don't you and Mom come over the History House in 20 minutes" "You can sit in on the meeting with us" "Dude, we don't have no meeting" "Ah, ouch, stop" "We're just going to throw on some clothes" "We'll be back in 20 minutes sir" "Son, we'll just come inside with you and wait until you change" "And then all of us will go over there together" "Well, Dad I thought that Mom might want to see the Flower Grove" "They are in full blossom this time of year" "They are absolutely beautiful" "Our college ranked number 1 best flowers in the country" "It's going to be dark in 20 minutes" "Wouldn't you like to see them Mom" "Ah Jake" "It's so nice of you to think of me" "C'mon, let's go" "Alright then we'll see in the front entrance of the History House in 20 minutes." "Sharp" "Yes sir" "Fossil, I'm in way too deep" "I told my parents that we have a meeting with Professor Hughes over at the History Office" "It's all a lie How could they have showed up early" "Life as a college student is finished, done, over" "Is Evan stoned" "You know I always knew I'd have to deal with this moment" "But I feel like I'm at a funeral only it's my funeral" "It's O.K. Jake It's alright" "What are you consoling me for your life is over to you moron" "Ah, it seems that your parents have shown up a little earlier than expected" "What, my parents are here" "Yeah, snap out of it" "I had to cover for you because Mom and Dad wanted to come into the house" "It smells like a God damn reggae party" "You screwed up dude" "I screwed up What did you do?" "What did I do?" "The only thing I did is save your ass" "Save my ass" "Yeah, save your ass" "No man, sounds like you made things unnecessarily worse" "You know what, you don't even know what lie I even told Mom and Dad" "And you were standing right there you fucking moron" " Enough!" "The two of you are going home from college and never coming back again ever" "Now Jake, what did you tell your parents" "I told them we had a meeting with Professor Hughes at the History Office" "Did you tell your parents what the meeting was about." " No" "Alright, what were your plans once you got to the History House" "I don't have any plans" "I figured I'd just go over there and tell them that the meeting got cancelled or something" "Alright, well do either of your parents know Professor Hughes" "Or know what he looks like" "No, there is no Professor Hughes I made the name up" "Put the God damn fish bowl down" "And are there any pictures of Professor Humes anywhere on the first floor of the History House" "No, are you listening There is no Professor Hughes" "There is now" "Rule number 10" "When all else fails impersonate a professor" "Forcibly if needed" "Gentlemen, I am Professor Humes" "No, it's Hughes H-U Hughes" "Yeah, yeah, yeah whatever" "Alright Jake, Evan, I need you two to head over to the History Office" "Hold them off for just a little bit" "I'm going to throw on a suit" "I'll get over there as quick as I can" "I'm going to help you out of this" "Get the fuck off me" "Get the fuck off me Let's go" "Gotcha What?" "Kerry what are you doing" "You're getting what you asked for" "You wanted to hang out with me tonight" "And now you got me" "Yeah tonight, later, um" "Can you please unlock me" "I don't have the key" "It's in my dorm room" "Where we should end up tonight" "Ah, fuck, alright" "Just, just come with me" "Where are we going" "You must be Mr. Tanner" "It's a pleasure to meet you sir Hi" "I am obviously Professor Hughes" "What the hell is going on here Oh, how rude of me" "Mr. and Mrs. Tanner this is Kerry" "Kerry, this is Mr. and Mrs. Tanner" "Nice to meet you dear" "I love the shirt" "You're probably wondering why Kerry and I are handcuffed together" "Well, um, we are handcuffed this" "This is for charity" "Charity" "He's lying I'm a whore" "Um, theatre students" "Great imagination" "Well, what Kerry is trying to get at is" "The school has decided to handcuff a professor with a student to raise money for cancer" "That's nice" "Who in the world thought of the idea to handcuff a female student with a male teacher" "Well, we believe in outside the box thinking here" "Well as you both already know" "Both Jake and Evan are special students" "They're actually 2 of the tops in my class" "Must be a pathetic class" "Pathetically challenging historical wise" "Well, today I would like to offer both Jake and Evan my coveted teaching assistant positions" "Absolutely" "Yeah, absolutely, yeah" "Don't worry about it guys you earned it" "I'm actually pretty excited that you decided to accept the postions" "Does anybody else need a drink" "Now is not the time to drink" "Just take a drink Greg" "I don't want a drink" "If you don't take a drink I'll scream and scream and scream" "Fine, I will take a drink" "Here" "I don't want any" "I'm not so sure that this is the best thing for Jake and Evan to do" "They were planning at working at a bank" "Trust me Mom, Dad" "There is nothing more Jake and I want more than to be here next year" "Well, I suppose" "As long as it's what you want to do" "I guess it sounds like a good opportunity" "What are you going to do for money" "Where are you going to stay" "When do you start" "Mr. Tanner, your sons will be begin preparing my next year's curriculum as soon as this Monday" "They'll be here all summer" "All through next year" "And as far as some of your other concerns" "They" "As far as some of your other concerns they can live on campus housing for free" "Otherwise they can, Huh" "They, there is going to be a small fee of $1,500 per student" "Just basically to lock in the positions for next year" "That will need to be taken care of today" "Alright then" "Who do I make the check out to" "That's Greg Karanowski" "K-A-R-A-N" "I thought your last name was Hughes" "Hughes is just a nickname" "Ah, I'm so proud of you boys" "Thank you Mom Thanks a lot sir" "Well, looks like you both have busy schedules ahead of you" "I guess Mom and I will head back to the hotel and head back tomorrow" "Thanks a lot Professor Hughes" "And if you don't mind" "Actually Kerry and I also need to leave" "We're going to have sex" "Oh, but it's for charity" "I'll tell you" "These professors could never survive in the real world" "Yes dude I can't believe that shit worked" "Fossil you did it man" "No problem boys" "Do you guys mind" "Oh, yeah, yeah we're leaving" "Hey can we just grab that $3000 first" "I'm sorry, what" "That $3,000 that you got from our Dad to pay for our room and board next year" "For you" "That's my 3 G's boys" "Cha Ching I'm coming back for year 9 bitches" "Wait a second" "You're stealing money from our Dad" "You know now is really not a good time to talk about this" "You know I'm about ready to bring out the ole Fossil bone if ya know what I'm saying" "I know what you're saying" "Take another drink first" "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out boys" "It's 10 P.M." "Time for hell night" "Tonight we welcome back all of our past pledge masters" "They'll help us activate our pledges" "And bring them into the brotherhood of Iota Gamma Chi" "I think the old farts really enjoy taking a break from their lives" "To spend one more weekend in the fraternity" "I, I, I, Iota Gamma Chi" "I, I, I, Iota Stop" "That's horrible" "Pathetic" "Let me show you guys why you're pledging 1965 the year my father pledged this fraternity" "Pledges, how many pledges are there 7, sir" "Pledges, how many actives are there 45, sir" "Alumni, how many pledges are there" "Do you hear that" "I can actually here them" "You punk little girls need to pick it up" "You got that" "Now boys you have the pleasure of meeting one of the founding fathers of this fraternity" "Sir, do you have anything to say sir" "I fucked every one of the Golden Girls" "Are you guys ready for hell night" "Sir, yes, sir What?" "Sir, yes, sir" "That's more like it" "You guys are going to pay" "The General is here" "That's The General" "Smart guy hey" "Start with him Now we're going to pledge" "Let's go." "Let's do this" "Say it, say it Say it mother fucker" "Alpha Beta Gamma Fuck you" "You worthless scum have embarrassed me" "The alumni are here" "And they are asking me why have I turned you into such worthless pieces of shit" "Why have I not turned you into Gammas" "It's all my fault" "No" "Who will step up" "Who will fill these shoes and turn you into Gammas and turn you into real men" "Who will" "I've been to easy on you" "I've been to nice" "You dirty little dirt bags" "I'll pledge your but cracks until they bleed" "Do you understand me" "Sir yes sir" "Do you understand me" "Sir yes sir" "Pledges, how many pledges are there" "Pledges, how many actives are there" "Alumni, how many pledges are there" "Alumni, how many actives are there" "Hey Scooter get us some drinks" "Scooter you have no date this evening" "Therefore you are the drink wench" "No problem" "Dad, dad I'm done" "It's over, I'm a Gamma Chi now" "So what's up ladies" "Who would like to try a brand new Gamma Chi" "Alright Fossil some hundred proof vodka and a laxative ought to loosen you up" "Drink wench, hurry up" "Hey, here's a double shot Fossil" "And here's one for you Kerry" "Fossil, you old son of a bitch drink with me" "Have a seat" "I, I, I, Iota Gamma Chi" "Hey, mines just water right" "Yup" "Kegger, come here man" "You were the biggest dick" "No, you made it You were my favorite pledge" "I'm going to be Pledge Master one day" "I want to be just like you Yeah, make me proud" "You're my fucking hero" "Make me proud" "Hey everybody the drink wench is back" "Head to head" "Shot for shot" "I'm taking you on all night grandpa" "Kegger this is not a hot dog eating contest" "This is alcohol" "You went down this morning" "You're going down again tonight" "I, I, I, Iota Gamma Chi" "I, I, I, Iota Gamma Chi" "You want to dance" "What" "I want to get in your pants" "Oh, yeah, O.K." "I love this boys" "We're in this really deep bro'" "I know" "Do you miss this much" "What's that" "This place, college, the fraternity" "No, I mean don't get me wrong I had a great time when I was here" "But, I'm pretty happy with my life" "What about the girls" "Ah yeah sure, I mean, sleeping with a different co-ed every weekend" "It has got its appeal" "But I have a beautiful wife" "Couple of great kids" "So, overall, no I don't miss it" "You guys are graduating tomorrow right" "Yeah, well, no" "I mean we were supposed but" "I think we figured out a way to stay" "Stay and do what" "Stay, live in the frat and party" "I'm putting you into retirement grandpa" "If you want to quit just ask for mercy" "Oh, no c'mon Greg you can do it, drink" "You know Greg, Fossil, or whatever you call him" "You think he's the king of campus" "I bet if you'd ask most of the students here they would think that he is a joke" "He's a joke to the alumni" "You know I pledged with him" "He's cool to your face" "But you turnaround and he'll stab you in the back" "Your right" "He screwed over Scooter today" "He took $3,000 from our Dad" "I really feel sorry for the guy" "He's stuck" "He has no idea which direction to take his life" "And every year that goes by he just becomes more and more pathetic" "And he knows it" "Oh my God" "Wait Kegger, you were just drinking water like me right" "No, hundred proof vodka all night" "I had to beat him fair and square" "You guys want to know what the secret to life is" "What's that" "Make a career out of something you love" "Something you have passion for man" "So what do you do" "Me, I love sports" "I majored in sports management when I was here" "And then it was off to major league soccer 6 months ago I bought an interest in the Chicago Fire soccer team" "You serious The Fire's our favorite team" "Evan and I play soccer" "We've been team captains for the past 3 years, all conference" "I'll tell you what" "If you guys are interested" "Why don't you guys come by the stadium" "Work out with the team" "Give me a call tomorrow and I'll put you in touch with some coaches" "Dude, we'll definitely call you" "Hey man, I'm still a Gamma" "And I'll do anything to help out a brother" "Well I got to get back to the wife" "You guys take it easy" "Thanks for letting me stop by" "Anytime" "Oh God" "Here, I got the key" "You all right Thank you" "We did it" "Let's get out of here" "Here's your hot dog eating contest bitch" "Ladies, you want to get us some beers" "Yeah buddy, those chicks are hot" "What's up Winston, Brandon" "What's up brothers How are you doing" "Hey dude it turns out that you're not that smart at history" "Actually man I'm plenty smart" "I failed that test on purpose and so did Brandon here man" "What the hell are you talking about" "We don't want to graduate" "Everyone knows that if you fail your last final" "That your parents will pay to send you back for another semester" "Bro' my parents paid for 4 full years of tuition" "Do you really think that they are going to let me come 3 credits shy of graduation and call it quits" "Not a chance man" "Dude I can't believe these 2 fuckers didn't know that" "Bro' we're coming back for another year 5th year baby" "5th year" "See you boys later" "Shmucks" "Ah, he shit himself" "What a loser" "Hello, who the hell is this in the middle of the black night" "Yes sir it's me, and Evan's here to" "Harold, Harold who is it" "Nobody, go back to sleep" "Jake, I've been thinking" "I'm going to look into that crackpot professor's credentials first thing in the morning" "Actually Dad, don't even worry about it" "Evan and I don't want to become teacher's assistants anyway" "Good, now let me get off the damn telephone and let me go back to bed" "Harold, language" "Sir, we have a tryout with a major league soccer team next week" "Soccer" "Now listen that's enough games at 3:00 in the morning" "I'm picking you and your idiot brother up at 6 A.M." "And that's the end of it" "No sir, we're going our own way and that's the end of it" "So make sure that you cancel that check" "You're going your own way" "Yes sir" "You know this is the first time you ever stood up to me" "Finally grew up a little bit huh" "Well I guess the banking business isn't going anywhere" "You give your mother a call tomorrow afternoon" "We will" "And Jake" "Sir" "You give me a call after those soccer tryouts" "If you put your mind to it you can do it" "You and Evan both" "He actually took it alright" "Hey what time is it" "It's about 3 A.M." "You think there's any chicks downstairs" "A couple drunk ones" "Works for me" "Me too" "Idiot kids" "You can have me if you want me" "I'm a little nervous" "It will come naturally" "I'm a man" "Subtitles:" "Arigon" "Hey" "Evan, what's up man" "I was thinking man" "We should have one more game while we're still in college" "Alright" "Let's go" "So that's it" "That's our story" "I'd like to tell you that we went on" "Played major league soccer in Chicago" "Maybe we'll make the team" "Maybe we won't" "I don't know what's going to happen next" "But I'll tell you this much" "Whatever happens" "We'll never end up like Fossil" "With a dick in our mouths" "Hey, good luck with those soccer tryouts" "I know you'll do a good job" "I hope so, I'm really excited" "Ah, good God" "Hey, by the way" "Your grandma's dead" "No"