"Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh..." "Aha!" "Gotcha!" "As soon as I find your dad, you're it." "Burt, I need a hint." " Can I get a boo-ya?" "Boo-ya." " Oh, crap-o!" " What is it?" "Your uncle Bruce just pulled up." "So?" "He already thinks we're big enough idiots." "Now here we are in our PJs playing hide-and-go-seek at 2:00 in the afternoon." "Burt, your brother Bruce is here." "Come out." "Yeah, right." "Bruce." "How are you?" "Sweaty." "And you might want to police your yard debris." "Will do." "Hey, what happened to your ear?" "I was testing the batteries on a fire alarm, and..." "You know what?" "I'm not here for chitty-chat, Virginia." "Where's Burt?" "Burt?" "Uh, he's working." "He's working hard on the business, which is going really well right now." "We were all working hard, too, last night, which is why we're in our PJs." "Hi, Uncle Bruce." " You're holding a baby." " Yeah." " See, what happened was..." " I don't need to know." "Really, do I?" "When Burt gets back from work would you tell him..." "Cramp!" "I'm getting a cramp!" "Cramp!" "Ow, ow, ow!" "Oh!" "We were playing hide-and-go-seek." "Of course you were." "Can I fix you something to eat?" "No, no, no need to spray cheese on anything." "I just wanted to drop off this box of crap for my deadbeat son." "For your information, Mike went on a spiritual quest about six months ago." "Moved in with a large group of like-minded people, and as there have been no reports on the news of any mass suicides, we assume he's doing very well." "Yeah, I know he's not here." "He's coming on Saturday." "You didn't get a letter?" "Oh, yeah, I'm sure we got it." "We've just been busy." "With work." "It's probably in here somewhere." "We're not crazy or anything." "Just been a bit hectic with the business and the baby and being caretakers to Virginia's grandma." "If Mike's coming, don't you want to be here to see him?" "Shh!" "I bet he misses you." "He wrote you a letter, right?" "He just wants his hamster back." "Oh, that reminds me." "You might want to stick some lettuce or something in there." "You know, Mike's a good kid." "He might not be all wealthy and prosperous, but that's just your definition of success." "It's the dictionary's definition." "Your dictionary, man." "Jimmy, this is your report card from junior year of high school." "Am I going to be happy when I open this?" "Here we go, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh" "Boo-ya!" "Is Maw Maw still playing hide-and-go-seek?" "Yeah, she's been "boo-ya"-ing all morning." "I don't know where she is, but it's keeping her busy." "Boo-ya!" "Well, she'll come out when she's hungry." "You're going to love my cousin Mike." "He's been involved in a lot of different groups." "Some are cults, some are religions." "One time he just lived with the animals." "My craziest cousin is Tim." "He's an ultra gay conservative." "He's a member of the Herbal Tea Party." "Claims there's eight members." "He's not here yet?" "Why are we trying to make him feel so welcome?" "Last time I offered him a cold drink, he stayed for six years." "Boo-ya!" "Tanya, this is my aunt Virginia," "Cousin Jimmy, some girl, and the greatest uncle of all time." "I don't know about that." "That Uncle Kracker's pretty cool." "Guys, this is Tanya." "My wife!" " You got married?" " That's awesome!" "I wish your dad was here for this." "But he's busy being a big throbbing tool." "Hmm." "Let's call him up, and rub the happy news in his face." " Who are those guys?" " Those are my brother-husbands." "Your brother what?" "We're reverse-gender polygamists." "We are all married, but not in a gay way." "Just four dudes and one wife." "Hi." "Sorry, wrong number." "Thank you so much for letting me come over." "Well, all right." "Five people married to each other." "That is neat." "Neat, neat stuff." "Oh, I wrote down a few questions, if you guys don't mind." "No problem." "We understand people are curious." "The only thing we don't discuss is our sex life." "Of course." "Man, that is neat, neat stuff." "Do you think they brainwashed him?" "Probably." "I'm just glad they washed him at all." "And make sure you keep your distance, so you don't let him lure you in like you did with that cult that worships Josh Groban." "I wasn't that caught up in that, I swear to Josh." "I mean, God." "Here's some refreshments." "Made some deviled eggs." "Which is not an indicament of how I feel about your lifestyle." "We just happen to really love mayonnaise, mustard and eggs around here." "Thank you so much." "Listen, you all seem like great people with a lot of love in your heart for Mike." "Which is a blessing because there's another reason why we wanted to come here today." "Mike, we wanted you to be around your family today, because today we're leaving you." " What?" " Not neat, man." "When we leave here today, it will be without you." "But you've got your family to lean on." "Uh..." "Tanya, you and I are so good together." "Yeah, you're like a match made in heaven." "Not my heaven, but..." "It's not me." "It's their call." "My brother-husbands?" "Brother-husbands..." "Mike, it's obvious." "You're just not that into us." "You only pay attention to Tanya." "Yeah, she's the chick." "What are you..." "Tanya?" "You're married to Jeff, Chester and Rodney, too." "You know what the sacred pamphlet says." "You must be your brother's brother's brother's keeper." "Tanya, give me one more chance." "I mean, who's going to keep you warm at night on Tuesdays and alternating Saturdays?" "A relationship isn't a two-way street, Mike." "It's a five-way intersection." "I bet you don't even know which one of our secret dreams is to sing opera." "Uh..." "Me, me, me, me" "Which one of us has the sarcastic sense of humor?" " Jeff." " Oh, sure, Jeff." "And I guess pigs are flying now, aren't they?" "I bet you don't even know which one of us can't say the word "pasghetti."" "Screw these guys, Mike." "There's way better cults out there who'd be lucky to have you." "Oh, come on, you got to keep Mike." "Mike is great." "Do you know he can whistle?" "Show her how you whistle, Mike." " I can't." " You moron." "I'm sorry, Mike." "It's over." "You know the divorce ritual." "And now the healing process can begin." "We might need to stay the night." "I will be right here waiting for you" "Poor little guy." "I haven't seen him this upset since the end of Armageddon when the fat guy from Herman's Head died." "Hello, monogamists?" "Hey, is there any chance that we could get Mike's shirt and khakis back?" "We kind of like to keep them in the family." "Here!" "I don't need your stupid clothes anyway!" "I can do just fine without you!" "Uncle Burt, can I borrow some clothes later?" "Sure thing, Mike." "Better clothes, too." "Stuff with words on it." "I will be right here waiting for you" "Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks" "Okay." "I can't take this." "I will be right here waiting for you" "You got to call your brother and tell him to get him out of here." "It's his kid." "Yeah, his kid that he threw out with nowhere to go." "He looks up to me." "I'm like his hero." "Besides, I don't even think Bruce would take him back." "Burt, that laundry room is my chick cave, okay?" "That's where I go to chew my nicotine gum and scheme about ways I'm going to get on Oprah." "And if Mike's in there, my dreams are shot." "And I don't think I'll get on Oprah." "Do you understand what I'm saying?" "You'll never meet Oprah." "I'm gonna go talk to my brother." "Boo-ya!" "It's like my six dads always used to say." "Having brother-husbands is like having really cool roommates." "I guess it would be nice to always have a buddy to hang out with." "Oh, yeah." "We help each other out." "We laugh." "Last night we were up till 3:00 in the morning eating pumpkin cheesecake and watching Lord of the Rings." "I love Lord of the Rings." "My precious." "Gollum would never lie to master." "That is fantastic." "Guys, did you hear this?" "Yeah." "That was awesome!" "Really?" "My family finds it super annoying." "We would never find that annoying." "You know, you should come in." "We're getting ready to watch Return of the King on Blu-ray and eat some s'mores." "Ooh, I don't know." "She really loves wagon time." "I'll pull her around." " Really?" " Yeah." "Helping hands, man." "That's how we roll." "Literally." "Okay." "Take care of my precious." "Gollum thank you." "Gollum..." "Can you say dadas?" "Say dadas." "You guys are right." "These shirts are super comfortable." "You've got to be kidding me." "You bros are awesome!" " There we go." " Uh!" "I leave you alone for 20 minutes, and you get sucked in." "I didn't get sucked in." "I was just watching a movie, and I got some melted marshmallow on my pants, which they were nice enough to wash off for me." "Plus, they were teaching Hope a church song called" "Old Religions Are Dusty and..." "Oh, my God, I got sucked in." "How could you?" "I don't know!" "They were cool!" "All right?" "They laughed at my Gollum and my Yoda." "Plus, they are interesting guys." "Jeff does card tricks, Chester can rap in Filipino." "Rodney has 10 toes." "Six are on one foot, and four are on the other." "I mean, how cool is that?" "What?" "You spent an hour with those guys, and you already know all that stuff?" "I was married to them for six months." "The only thing I know about them is that they all hate me." "I guess I really was a lousy brother-husband." "What else do you know about these people?" "Lots of stuff." "I have an idea." "Take off your pants." "I don't want to hear any more about cult stuff or pup tents!" "I've heard enough about that flake." "Ah!" "Jiminy Christmas!" "Caught a staple." "Hello, tetanus shot, goodbye $20 co-pay." "Nicely done." "Look, Virginia won't keep him." "And he's hurting right now." "He just gotten broken up with by four people at once." "Perfect." "My kid is the only person in history to get rejected by a cult." "Oh, cut the kid some slack." "Sure, you defend him." "Losers stick together." "We're both business owners." "Why are you always calling me a loser?" "I was voted Mattress Man of the Year three times running, okay?" "I have priority check-in at several commuter airlines." "I drive a late-model crossover." "You and I are not even in the same league." "That is not cool." "No, no, no!" "Those are not to be removed, under penalty of law!" "Put the Ovechkin down!" "How dare you come in here and mess up my store the way you ruined my life!" "How did I ruin your life?" "You turned my son against me!" "You never even liked the kid!" "I adored him!" "I wanted him to work with me and not you!" "Why'd you throw him out?" "'Cause nothing else helped him!" "I spent my life guiding people to softness or firmness." "That kid needed firmness!" "Oh, gosh!" "Oh, golly!" "I think Ovechkin knocked out a crown." "I haven't even reached the deductible on my dental yet this year." "That's 300 bucks right off the top." "So you threw Mike out to try and help him?" "Uh-huh." "I thought he'd see how hard the world is, get his life together and come back to me." "But then you gave him a soft spot to land." "And Mike never learned how to take care of himself." "Uh-huh." "All he learned from you is that his old man is a giant tool." "Welcome to Chance Upon a Mattress!" "I'll be right with you." " Just finishing up over here." "Okay." "Bruce, I'm sorry." "I really screwed up." "But I'm gonna make things right between you and your boy." " Burt..." " No, I am." "I promise." "I'm gonna get you your son back." "Okay." "Ma'am, if you'll direct your attention to that wall over there, you'll see our weekly specials." "Oh!" "That's for ripping my tags." "Tanya, brother-husbands, you know I'm not much of a singer any more than I am a listener, but I did hear what you said before." "And I wrote you all a song." "I used to think love was for two" "Just for two." "That was before I met you" "And you and you and you." "Your arms were open, but my mind was not" "You gave me love, but I gave you squat" "Now I'm alone, but I have grown" "I really have!" "I don't just want to share a lover" "I want to share my life with my brothers" "Jeff, Rodney, Chester, what do you say?" "Let's not just share a lover, let's share love" "Chester, I wasn't fit to wear these chinos" "I'm such a fool." "Ignoring your skills at rapping in Filipino" "Hey, that sounds really cool." " Rodney, my chakra 's feeling fine" " But I should've let you align" "My chi" "I'm so sorry" "Jeff, I'd love to see some sleight of hand" "You make my sadness disappear!" "But I'd really like to be your brother-husband" "I'm down on my knees here!" " You guys left some parts of me" " That are now so clearly empty" "These holes where I used to see" "My brothers in polygamy" "Mmm-hmm." "Yeah, I just don't want to share a lover" "I want to share my life with my brothers" "Jeff, Rodney, Chester, what do you say?" "Let's not just share a lover, let's share love" "I used to think love was for two" "That's before I met you" "And you and you" "What are you guys doing?" "Where's Mike?" "Living the dream." "No plans, no phones, just four awesome dudes, an RV and a wife." "How could you let him leave?" "Relax, Burt, he said he'd be back every fifth Thanksgiving." "No!" "I promised!" "I gotta think." "Think, think, think, think!" "Oh, crap!" "Now all I can think is the word "think."" "911." "What is your emergency?" "I'd like to report a missing person." "My nephew took off with some people in an RV." "Was he abducted?" " No, not against his will, but he's..." " Age?" " He's 25, he's got blonde hair..." " He's not a minor." "What do you mean you're not gonna go after him?" "Well, how young would he have to be for you to do something?" " Under 18, sir." " Okay, thank you." "911." "Yes, my one-year-old granddaughter's been kidnapped by a cult!" "Thank you." " Hide the baby!" "Hide the baby!" " Why?" "I told the police the cult kidnapped Hope." "You lied to the police?" "Are you crazy?" "No, no, relax." "I have a plan." "When they find the RV," "I'll just tell them Hope was hiding in the attic the whole time." "Just like the balloon guy we saw interviewed by that dude..." "What's his name?" "You know, the only guy I'd be into if I was gay, but I'm not?" "Matt Lauer." "You made Hope an accomplice." "She can't go back to jail, Dad." "I had to." "I cost my brother a son." "I pulled them apart." "How would you feel if someone took Jimmy from us?" "For how long?" "I just want to answer accurately." "Hide the baby!" "Hide the baby." "Act sad." "Hide the baby!" "Hide the baby." "Act sad." "Please find our angel." "Breaking news." "Police are issuing an AMBER Alert for an RV after a man seen here and his accomplices kidnapped this child." "The man has been identified as Mike Chance." "The little girl was last seen taking a nap at home with her father and grandparents." "Authorities..." "Son of a biscuit, Mike!" "What is wrong with you?" "You say the baby is how old?" "She's around one." "And what's going on over here?" "That's my grandmother." "You know old people, always cold." "What'd he do this time?" " Who's this guy?" " It's my brother." "His son's in the RV." "Please, I'm begging you, when you catch him, beat him black and blue." "I'd love to, but with the Internet and phone cameras, the fun's over." "Don't listen to him." "He's distraught." "I'll take him in the back, settle him down." "Come on." "Boo-ya!" "I always knew that kid was a disaster!" "He better not let anything happen to that baby!" "Don't worry." "Baby's fine." "Hey, Uncle Bruce." "What the heck is this, some kind of Japanese game show?" "I really wanted to make things right between you and Mike, but when I got home, he was gone." "Burt, this is insane!" "Don't worry." "When the cops find the RV, I'll just tell them it was all a mistake." "Hope was hiding in the attic the whole time, just like that balloon boy guy." "Yeah, Burt, that guy went to jail!" " Really?" " Yeah!" " What'd he do wrong?" " Like, everything you already did." "You guys better get out here." "Sorry." "Dang it, Burt!" "They're gonna shoot my kid." "You gotta tell them what you did." "Um..." "I think I hear something." "Did anyone else hear that?" "It sounds like a baby accidentally lost in the bathroom." "Hmm." "So, what was believed to be a kidnapping turned out to be a hoax perpetrated by this man, local business owner and Internet sensation, Burt Chance." "The drivers of the RV, an Osmond Family cover band, were released." "Chance was sentenced to 30 days in jail." " Is it the light?" " No." " Is it the bunk bed?" " No." " Is it the floor?" " Yes." "Okay, my turn." "Got it." "Go." " Is it the light?" " Yes." "Chance, today's the day." "Let's go." "You're gonna shave, right?" "Yeah." "Might take a couple pictures of myself in a flannel shirt splitting wood in the backyard for next year's Christmas card, but then I'll shave." "Hi, I'm Bruce Chance." "Everyone deserves a chance to get a great deal on a mattress." "But recently I've decided that some people deserve a second chance." "Hi, I'm the second chance." "I'm Mike Chance." "My son left home when he was 18." "Recently, I was in a cult." "It was really weird." "Boy, I sure missed him." "But one thing I never missed was a good night's sleep." "Because you can't spell "Chance and Son Upon a Mattress"" " without you, you, you!" " You, you, you!" "818-555-0197." "That is the worst commercial I've ever seen." " You did a good thing." " Thanks." "God, you people suck at playing hide-and-go-seek." "I quit." "English" " US" " SDH"