"Season 1" " Episode 2 Da Doggone Daddy-Daughter Dinner Dance Good morning everybody!" "Last night, I had the strangest and most wonderful dream." "That I had a beautiful new wife." "And that Cleveland Jr." "had a beautiful sister." "And a really cool rascal of a little brother." "Oh, dreams really do come true!" "Daddy, you are so hilarious!" "I had a dream that I won the cup of free loading chumps in my kitchen." "Slide, sister, I'm out." "Shoot me, shoot me..." "That damn fat fool comes and tell me about some stupid dreams, man..." "I spy with my little eye something... yellow." "Mmh... my shirt." "You're good at this game, daddy!" "Stop the car, right now." "I don't want to be seen with you." "Oh, OK." "Cleveland, don't smack her." "OK, I'll stop the car." "Here you go, girl!" "To class!" "Don't you want to get out of the car too, Cleveland Jr.?" "No." "If I walk that far, I'm going to get wet spots under my breast." "All right now, you have a good day!" "OK, bye Dad." "Why don't you make out with your Dad again?" "Get a room!" "Yeah, why don't you choke on your Dad's corn dog?" "Wow, Derek, that was an unnecessary escalation." "You said..." "I know what I said, but that was way too much." "We need another girl." "So I'm going to have to pick someone." "The new fat kid will be a girl and will be on the girls team." "And also, I'll call you Beth." "Touch Ball!" "Beth, you're out." "So, how was your first day at school, Cleveland Jr.?" "Terrible." "Worst than an ABC comedy." "I never watch that mess." "Listen, when I was in highschool, I discovered I was good at baseball." "You just have to find what you're goot at." "I'm good at making sandwiches." "Well, this is not a criticism, but maybe you could toast the bread once in awhile." "The point is, right now, you don't know what it is that's going to make you fit in at school." "But you just be on the look out, because it will find you!" "Thanks, Daddy." "I'm a little less scared of the school now." "But I'm still afraid of toasters..." " That's my toasts!" " I'm sorry..." "You heard me?" "Now, you can put your fingers inside me." "So Rallo, how was your day?" "I pooped my pants at recess." "We all have accidents." "It wasn't an accident." "Alright." " So Roberta, how was your day?" " Is this an interview?" "She'll be OK, baby." "She's just upset, because the Daddy Dinner-Dance is coming up." "Robert promised to take her last year but he never showed." "Why don't I take her?" "I'm her step daddy." "It will be fun." "Don't worry, I won't try anything..." "Oh, I don't know..." "Why don't you wait and see if Roberta brings it up to you?" "Isn't that what you said to Cleveland Jr.?" "To wait for the opportunity to present itself?" "Honestly, I have no idea what I told that boy." "I just try to get him through the days." "I pray to the Lord he finds his way." "Roberta, congratulations on getting a date to the Daddy-Daughter Dinner Dance." " I don't have a date." " You do now!" "You have brought a cancer to our family." "Hey, car!" "Tell Roberta who the best dance partner you everd had was." " Cleveland!" " Ah, bitch!" "Cut the damn videocamera off." "# We're gonna have a party, babe. #" "# All night long #" "# All night!" "#" "#" " All night!" "# #" " All night long #" "# All night!" "#" "Rallo?" "Really?" "It has got a nice island feel." "I'm not going to that dance, so you can stop with the musical numbers." " Daddy, I'm ready." " No, we cut that number!" "Hi." " You're new here, right?" " Yeah..." "I'm Mandy." "What's your name?" "Cleveland Junior, but most people around here call me Beth." "You'd better not cross me, fat Beth, or I'm going to beat you like a mule!" "How would I know that I'm crossing you?" "Because I'll do this!" "Damn, when are they going to get doors on these stalls?" "Don't worry, I won't pee." "Hey Fridge, step over here and block the view." "The other way..." "You're perfect for this." " I'm Lane." " That's a beautiful name." "I'm Cleveland Brown Junior." "Hey Kyle, if you need to rip a grumpy, this guy makes a great door." "That's cool, but I'm just here to take a leak." "How was school, Cleveland Jr.?" "Crappy." "And I mean that in a good way." "You are one curious young individual." "Hey Roberta, I know you're on the fence about going to the dance, but I thought maybe this would help you decide." "Oh my God!" "Are these real?" "Hell, no!" "Just come to the dance." "I ain't got your mama a diamond yet." "How's that job hunt going?" "Why don't you shut the hell up?" "These earrings were a very nice gesture, Cleveland." "OK, I'll go to the dance with you!" "Hurray!" "We've got to celebrate!" "Who wants a Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream cake?" "Oh, Donna, I haven't been this excited since I won that Oscar!" "Oh my God!" "I'm sorry..." "This moment  is so much bigger than me!" "This moment... is for every... nameless, faceless woman of color... that now have a chance, because this door tonight has been opened!" "I'm so honored!" "And thanks to the Academy for choosing me to be the vessel for which His blessing might flow." "OK, wait a minute." "I've got to take this." "74 years here!" "Hey, new step-daddy, you're doing a great job." "Now, go get that cake!" "I'm so sorry, Meadowlark Lemon..." "Why did you kill the dog?" "He wouldn't stop barking, huh?" "No, Lester, it was an accident!" "We've got to keep this a secret or the kids will hate me forever!" "Since there's no sign of sexual abuse," "I'll go ahead and get rid of it for you." "Since there's no sign of sexual abuse." "Kendra, I hope you're in the mood for chinese food!" "You've read my stomach!" "Be cool, Cleveland." "Act as if nothing has happened, and the others will follow suit." "Meadowlark Lemon never came back last night!" "I woke up and he's not in his bed!" "We've go to go look for him!" "What I think we need to do is hope against hope that he'll come back." "But let's remember that dogs are wild animals, and have only been domesticated since, like, 7,000 BC or something." "Sit." " What did he say?" " I think he wants us to sit." " Should we?" " I don't know." "You know what?" "Let's do it." "And then I bet I can trick him into scooping up my poop!" "Oh, that would be classic." "You'd better go help him find the dog, I'll go shopping with Roberta." "Here, take my credit card." "I might have to get myself a new suit as well." "At the Men's Wearhouse." "I'm going to like the way I look." "I guarantee it." "Meadowlark Lemon!" " Meadowlark Lemon!" " Meadowlark Lemon!" "I don't think he's here." "If we don't find him, I'm going to start using drugs, probably." "Probably." "You know, Rallo, as hard as this is for me to say, we may need to start thinking about the possibility that Meadowlark Lemon has gone to a better place." "Or he could be at the sludge pon!" "He loves that place!" "Let's look there!" " The sludge pon?" "I don't think he..." " You know something?" "I'm not going to lie to you." "When mama told me she was marrying you, I said "Really?"," ""This fat guy?" "This is how low you can think of yourself?"" "But the Cleveland Brown I've seen in the past two hours... he's making me think he looks on everything." "You're alright, old Brown." "Because you're helping..." "this man... at a time in his life when he... when he..." "OK, we'll look at the sludge pon." "Go ahead and blow your nose on my shirt if you need to." "Nothing." "Well... not nothing." "But no dog." "Well... not no dog." "But no Meadowlark Lemon." "Well, then he's off to the slur issue behind the Chicken Gizzards Canary." "Son of a... bitch." "He's not here either." "This place smells like Chloe Sevigny." " Who's that?" " Just some gross porno actress." "Where next?" "Greek Restaurant/Gym." "So then, Miss Donna said yes, and now we live next door to a bear." "Wow, great story." "Hey, be my body a grab me a couple of paper towels." "Be your body?" "Sure!" "Thanks." "Hey, I heard you got beat up by that girl yesteardy." " Yeah..." " You want me to kick her ass?" "You want me to ask her out, date her for 8 months, get her to fall in love with me and then dump her and break her heart?" "Sure." "Just don't get her pregnant." "How could I?" "I had a vasectomy." "Well, not a vasectomy so much as tecticular cancer." "That's nature vasectomy." "Thanks!" "I never thought of it that way." "Give me some." "You're alright." "So all day, I was searching for a dog that I know he's dead." "I don't know what to tell these kids!" "Hey, if it helps, tell them it was delicious." " What?" " It tasted a lot like kitten." "You ate the dog?" "I ate a dog once." "I think her name was Betsy." "I met her at tailgaiting." "Or in a football." "Season tickets." "She had bathroom." "I woke up." "She was peeing in the corner of my room." "Was she Chinese, or Asian?" "Partly." "But you know, she might have been Hawaiian." "Excuse me!" "Hello?" "We're talking about Lester eating my family's dog!" "Who are you to judge, Cleveland?" "At least, Lester didn't murder the dog and then lied to his family about it." "It wasn't a murder." "Well, you're covering it up like it's a murder." "Tell me, Cleveland, are you going to build your family foundation on a rock or on a quick sand?" " Rock." " Freakin' A, rock." "Well, then Jesus would say you have to confess everything, be brutally honest." "Don't leave out any details." "You may not know, but Jesus was a carpenter, back then it was a better job and good carpentary is all about details!" "But I just broke through with these kids!" "If you don't come clean, you'll regret it." "You know, like Lewis regretted bringing Clark on that expedition." "So, we pull up our canoe, and there were like 400 indians with arrows aimed right at us." "I'm starting to freak a little..." "Err, actually, it was pretty closer to 300." "OK, thanks, Clark." "So I say, "We come in peace!"..." "Well, no offense, but it was actually Sacagawea who said that." "For what it's worth." "Right." "Well, luckily, we brought plenty of beaver furs..." " Pelts." " Do you want to tell the story, Clark?" "Look at your date for tomorrow night, Cleveland." " Isn't she beautiful?" " Thank you for the dress, Cleveland!" "I'm glad you're all here." "Please, sit down." "I'm not sure how to tell you all this, so I'm just going to say it." "The other night, Meadowlark Lemon was killed." " What?" " Oh my God!" "What happened?" "Well..." "As I was backing out of the driveway to go get the Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream cake which we all later enjoyed very much," "I accidentally drove over his head with both my left rear tire, and then my left front tire." "Curious, I stepped out of my vehicle and saw his mangled lifeless body on the driveway on a smeared pool of his own blood." "And now the hard part..." "I had no idea that in the hours that followed," "Lester and his family would eat Meadowlark Lemon." "That's right." "They ate your dog." "OK!" "So Rallo, go throw the dog food out, we have no use for it now." "That will make room for a new recycling bin in the kitchen!" "Hurray!" "Hurray for the Browns and Tubbs!" "You're nothing but a low damn dog killer." "I knew I couldn't trust you!" "Why didn't you just tell us the truth before?" "I don't know." "I just took the easy way out." "Like Kurt Cobain." "Make love to me, Kurt." "I'm going to go grab something in the garage..." "I'll be right back though." "Roberta, I hope this doesn't mean you're not going to the Daddy-Daught Dinner Dance." " Yeah, I'm going to the dance." " Oh, good." "But not with you." "You'd probably run me over and feed me to a bunch of rednecks." "I'll just call my real dad." "I'm going with him!" " Oh, Cleveland." " I know." "Let's go upstairs and pay a tribute to Meadowlark Lemon by making love in the style coined by his species." "Plus, that way, we can both watch Kimmel." "Kids, Donna!" "Come out here, I've got a surprise for you!" "Cleveland, what have you done?" "I'd like to introduce you all to our new dog," "Kareem Abdul Jabbark." "You get it?" "Jabbark..." "You can't just replace my dog like Brad Pitt replaced Jennifer Aniston." "Or John Mayer replaced Jennifer Aniston." "Or Vince Vaughn replaced Jennifer Aniston." "Or that munch from the Counting Crows replaced..." "The point is: my dog is not Jennifer Aniston." "Well, I guess this is just you and me, Kareem Abdul Jabbau." "Now, go fetch the rebound!" "Run!" "Run!" "My friends are here." "I'm leaving." "Your friends?" "I thought Robert was picking you up." "He had a last minute appointment, he'll meet me there." "He's not showing up, is he?" "Whenever he has a "last minute appointment", it means he's gone to get a new bag of weed." "It's usually pretty good weed..." "I don't know what to do..." "This is harder than trying to identify a rapist at a Star Trek convention." " Could you describe the assailant?" " Yes." "He was a white male." "35 to 45 years old." "Glasses." "Bad skin." "About 50 pounds overweight." "Smells like cheetos." "And he was carrying a poster with a sharpy hand." "I know what to do." "Who here is not a virgen?" "You're under arrest." "I'm no good at anything!" "Look at you, pitiful." "You're nothing, Cleveland Brown." "You're a loser, and your mustache is stupid." "You know Rallo, you're really cruising for some discipline." "Alright, that's it." "Here we go." "I'm going to enjoy this." "Alright, enough!" "Look, Rallo, I made a mistake." "I feel terrible for running over your dog." "You should." "I'd bring him back if I could, but I can't." "What's done is done, and were moving on." "You got that?" "I'm in charge of this family now, and you're going to respect me!" "Well, look who finally showed up!" "A man." "It's about time you took charge." "You're lucky too." "I'm going to put these away... for now." " So, we're good?" " Yeah, we're good." "Now, as for my sister, I think we both know what you've got to do." "You bet we do." "She just wen to the Daddy-Daughter Dinner Dance by herself..." "Yeah!" "What the hell?" "Here you are, Mr Williams." "Thank you, young man." "Looking good, Mr Williams sir." "Oh, hi Dad." "What are you doing here?" "What am I..." "What are you doing here?" "Working!" "Remember you told me to find something I'm good at?" "Well, I've done it!" "I'm good at mouth breathing." "Which makes it better for me to stay in here all day and make money and friends." "All thanks to your advice!" "Drakkar Noir?" "You listen to me, and you listen good!" "But just spray a little in the air and I'll do a pass." "You're not working on a damn crapper!" "You look like a racist cliché in a Ron Howard movie!" "You get home, and tomorrow, I'm going to teach you how to throw a baseball." "OK Dad..." "And when you get home, boil all your clothes!" "But it will burn!" "Take them off first!" "Excuse me, where are the girls whose fathers didn't show up to the Dance?" "You?" " What do you want?" " I just want a chance!" "There's going to be a time when you mess up and you want me to forgive you." "And I will, because that's what families do." "And you can be angry, and you can hate me, but you can't stop me from being there for you." "Or here, for you." "Roberta, will you marry me?" "Oh..." "I'm so nervous." "Being a step-dad is all new to me." "And now, by a special request..." "Roberta Coretta Tubbs, may I have this dance?" "I don't know how to dance to this song!" "Don't think about it!" "Now lift your stomach up a little bit." "Holly crap, you're a dude!"