"Okay, how about this?" "If you let me have Jake this Easter, you can have him the Fourth of July and Labor Day." "No." "That doesn't work for me at all." "How about I give you all the Jewish holidays?" "When did we become Jewish, Alan?" "It's still holidays." "Your brother's a schmuck." "What are they arguing about now?" "It's actually kind of ironic." "They're arguing about who gets you on what days." "That is ironic." "You know what "ironic" means?" "No, but I trust you." "What's ironic is while they're arguing about who gets you, I get you." "And you know what?" "It's not such a big deal." "No offense, but let's face it, you're 10." "I can't take you to Vegas, we can't double-date." "And when was the last time you picked up a check, you mooch?" "I'm almost 1 1." "Okay, I think we've got it." "I get him Thanksgiving, you get him Halloween." "You get him Christmas Eve, I get him Christmas Day." "I get him Yom Kippur." "And I get Hanukkah." "Hey, guys, I just found out." "Jake's birthday is, like, in a week." "Shouldn't we make plans?" "You're right, he's a schmuck." "What?" "We know when his birthday is, Charlie." "We were there." "But only one of us got a needle shoved in their spine." "You begged for that." "Anyway, you, me, and Mom are taking Jake to a show at the Magic Castle." "You invited Mom?" "You want to tell her she can't come to her grandchild's birthday?" "'Cause believe me, I tried." "Oh, man." "Look at the bright side." "Maybe we can bribe one of the magicians to get her sawed in half." "Or better still, thrown in a wood chipper." "Judith and her sister are going to join us as well." "Which sister, the brunette or the blonde?" "The brunette." "Why?" "Just curious." "I never slept with the blonde." "And you're not gonna sleep with the brunette again, either." "Relax, that was 12 years ago." "Well, thank you." "Let's just wait till we get a look at her now." "Happy birthday!" "A magic set?" "Awesome." "How lovely." "Perhaps he'll grow up to be a carny." "It includes 14 different illusions that will amaze and astound your friends." "But, of course, your friends may be smarter than mine." "Cool!" "Have fun at the Magic Castle." "Aren't you coming with us?" "I wish I could, but I gotta go to some clown's wedding." "I'll try and come back for cake, okay?" "Thanks a lot, Rose." "You're welcome." "Bye, Evelyn." "Bye-bye." "Thank you so much." "Poor soul." "I'm sure she meant well." "Now." "Open Grandmommy's present." "Clothes?" "Happy birthday." "Thanks a lot, but clothes?" "Not clothes, darling." "It's Calvin Klein." "No, it's clothes." "Believe me, sweetheart, the girls are gonna love you in this." "What girls?" "All right, the other boys will be envious." "The other boys will beat me up." "Well, there's just no pleasing you, is there?" "Almost ready?" "Judith and Liz will be here soon." "Liz." "Thank you." "Boy, that would have been embarrassing." "Charlie, please don't make a bad situation worse." "Judith and Liz have been at each other's throats for years." "Why's that?" "I don't know." "Maybe it's because Liz was always more popular." "Maybe because Judith was smarter." "Maybe, and this is just a theory on my part, it had something to do with the fact that" "Liz did my brother in the coatroom at our wedding reception." "Well, no secret why she was popular." "At our wedding reception, Charlie." "In the coatroom." "You were louder than the band." "Hey, you make it sound so sleazy." "I'm sorry." "Class it up for me." "Okay, to begin with, we were on a mink coat." "Goodbye." "And I was wearing a tuxedo." "It's an 1 1-year-old's birthday party." "You could've at least put on a bra." "Some of us don't need bras." "Some of us have had husbands and children." "I've had husbands." "And please, would you behave yourself with Charlie?" "What do you mean?" "I mean," "I don't want a repeat of what happened in the coatroom at my wedding reception." "That was Charlie?" "Hey, soul sisters." "Come on in." "Hello, Alan." "Alan, you look fantastic." "I guess single life really agrees with you." "You know, doing okay." "Starting over, landed on my feet." "Like a cat." "Hey, Mom." "Hey, sweetie." "Hi." "Hey, Aunt Liz." "There's my favorite nephew." "Happy birthday, sweetie." "It isn't clothes, is it?" "This is a surprise." "Hello, Evelyn." "It's not a surprise." "I told her." "You're looking very well." "Slimming down nicely." "Thanks." "I recently dropped 160 pounds." "152." "I take Pilates." "Hey, everybody." "Uncle Charlie, look what Aunt Liz got me." "Awesome." "I don't suppose you thought to buy him a safety helmet." "You ride with Aunt Liz, you take your chances." "Right, Liz?" "This guy?" "Are you sure?" "Alan?" "Yeah, Mom." "Now that we've seen the dove disappear up the greasy man's sleeve, how about we stop for a little drinkie-poo?" "Mom, it's still Jake's birthday." "We're going home for cake." "Okay." "But first a drinkie-poo." "Don't you think you had enough to drink at the magic show?" "Excuse me, but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the old-fashioned, non-prescription way." "That's telling her, Evelyn." "Now, see." "This one gets me." "Alan, you married the wrong sister." "Why don't you lie down back there, take a little nap?" "Okey-dokey." "How can you not remember the coatroom?" "I remember the coatroom." "I just don't remember you." "How can you not remember me?" "Do you remember everyone you've had sex with?" "Of course not." "But come on, we're practically family." "Okay, Dad, see this ring?" "It's made of one unbroken piece of stainless steel." "I can see that." "And this one is just the same." "I swear." "I believe you." "Now watch." "One, two, three." "Hold on." "One, two, three." "Ironic." "Wait, don't look." "Alan, how are those magic fingers of yours?" "I'm sorry?" "I have this kink in my back and I was hoping you could give me one of your fantastic adjustments when we get home." "Sure, I suppose." "Thank you." "I can't wait." "Wait a minute." "His magic fingers you remember?" "Ta-da!" "This is really weird." "Yeah." "How could she not remember me?" "What are you talking about?" "What are you talking about?" "Judith's sister's hitting on me." "She's not hitting on you." "She's hitting on her sister's ex-husband." "But that's me." "Stop taking it personally." "You said it yourself." "They've been going at each other for years." "And let's examine the current situation." "Nothing Liz does with me is gonna make Judith any madder." "I've already flown my mission." "The only play she has left is to sleep with you." "Well, that's not gonna happen." "Well, certainly not with that attitude." "Now, come on, you can't say you've never thought about it." "Liz?" "No." "Alan." "Look me in the eye." "Okay, I'm looking." "Tell me you've never thought about being with Liz." "You know, you have very curly eyelashes." "Answer the question." "Come on, Charlie." "It's my ex-wife's sister." "Exactly." "Sisters are like the Holy Grail of recreational sex." "Technically, it'd be twins, but that's such a biological oddity, it's hardly worth pursuing." "Dad, pick a card." "Okay." "Seven of diamonds?" "No." "Eight of spades?" "No." "Ace of clubs?" "No." "Is it black or red?" "We'll just have the cake, and then we'll go." "You can go if you want." "I'll have Alan drive me home after he adjusts me." "Why are you doing this?" "Doing what?" "Alan." "You want him back, don't you?" "No, I don't want him back." "Then why do you care what I do with him?" "If you're determined to do something stupid today," "I'd actually prefer you do Charlie." "So would Charlie, but we can't always get what we want." "Wow!" "That's a lot of candles." "He's still 1 1, right?" "You want to deal with the candles?" "Is that what you want?" "No, I'm fine." "So, Alan." "When do you think you'll be ready for me?" "Maybe after the cake." "Okay." "Okay." "You just say the word, and we'll do it." "In high school, the word was "hello."" "Don't pretend you don't know what she's doing." "Her back hurts, Judith." "She wants an adjustment." "She doesn't want an adjustment." "And why do you think her back hurts in the first place?" "So, she does need an adjustment." "I forbid you to have anything to do with my sister." "Really?" "You forbid me?" "I've got news for you." "We're not married anymore." "You don't get to forbid me." "I'm warning you." "What warning?" "What happened to forbidding?" "Just listen to me." "If you lay one magic little finger on Liz," "you and I will have a big problem." "What are you gonna do?" "Divorce me?" "Marry me again and then divorce me?" "You want to see a trick?" "Sure." "Yeah, sure, honey." ""Good evening, sir or madame." ""Have we ever met before?"" "So, Liz." "The wedding reception, the coatroom." "Did I ever say thank you?" "I don't really remember, Charlie." "Well, let me just say, long overdue then, thank you." "Okay." "And not just for the one time." "Over the years, I've actually used the mental picture of that night as" "Iighter fluid when I'm, you know, barbecuing alone." "Hey, come on, that's a compliment." "Hey, Grandma?" "What?" "Now, madame, keep your eye on the magic ball." "Watch closely." "No, wait." "Okay, now I'll take the magic ball from my left hand and put it into my right." "See?" "Now I'll throw the magic ball back into the cup." "You think it's under the cup?" "Do I think what's under the cup?" "The magic ball." "Very good, dear." "Good Lord, how long have I been asleep?" "Make a wish, buddy." "I've already made my wish." "Don't you dare." "Now we're daring?" "Warning, forbidding, and daring?" "I want to talk to you." "Are you hearing this?" "I'm trying." "What is your problem?" "You are my problem." "Why are they fighting?" "They're not fighting." "They're discussing." "I'm a child of divorce, Dad." "I know the difference." "You're a selfish, hateful person." "Maybe you should go to your room." "It's my birthday." "lronic, huh?" "Hi, everybody." "Sorry I'm late." "Actually, you're right on time." "Here's $50." "Take Jake to the arcade, and don't come back till you're out of quarters." "Okay." "Come on, Jake." "Cool." "So, how was the wedding?" "It was a circus." "Bye, honey." "Have fun." "You were always a cheap slut and you haven't changed." "I was the slut?" "Miss Technically-I'm-Still-A-Virgin." "Girls, that's no way to talk." "Ever since we were kids, anytime I loved something, you took it away from me." "But you will not take away my ex-husband." "You love me?" "What?" "No!" "I'm trying to make a point here." "Judith, if I wanted Alan, I could've had him a long time ago." "What the hell does that mean?" "You never told her?" "Told me what?" "Well, I mean, it's no big deal." "Really." "It's just that before I asked you out," "I asked Liz out." "You lied to me?" "If I had said yes, you never would have dated him." "So, I was your second choice?" "No." "Chronologically, yes." "But in my heart, you were always first." "But in reality, you were second." "And you never told me this?" "Well, you can kind of see why." "You know, this wouldn't have happened if you were twins." "Okay." "Fine." "You always wanted Liz?" "Go ahead, here's your chance." "Give her your little adjustment." "While you're having a good time with my sister," "I'll have a good time with your brother." "Beg pardon?" "Don't be coy with me." "You know we've always had sexual tension between us." "Really?" "I thought it was just regular tension." "Come on, I've seen you looking at my chest." "You looked at my wife's chest?" "Hey, I'm a guy." "I will rock his world, Alan, I swear." "You're bluffing." "Am I?" "Watch me." "Come on, Charlie." "Alan?" "She's bluffing, Charlie." "Are you sure?" "Trust me, she hates you." "Trust me." "That doesn't always stop them." "Come on, Alan, I'll show you where it hurts." "Clear something up for me." "Chiropractic adjustment, that's just a euphemism?" "Right." "So, we're really gonna do this?" "Wow, I thought we were bluffing." "Okay, we were bluffing." "Us, too." "My God, that clown has no legs!" "Okay, you see the coin?" "You're supposed to say, "Have we ever met before?"" "Just watch the trick, okay?" "We'll work on the patter later." "You see the coin?" "Now, I grab it with this hand and I blow, and it's gone." "Where do you think it is?" "It's right here." "How the hell did you do that?" "Ironic, huh?"