"¶¶" "Hey." "Yolanda, can you come downstairs and help me with the rest of the groceries?" "You got two arms, bitch." "No..." "I'm sorry." "I've been on this diet for three days." "I'm a little hangry." "Great." "So you'll help me?" "You got two ears, bitch, I said no." "(quietly) Yolanda..." "Yolanda, we have a situation." "Alan's leaving you for someone thinner?" "No." "Smarter?" "Taller?" "Someone with a house?" "Someone with a neck?" "Stop!" "It's about Josh." "While I was working on his computer, an e-mail came in, from his father." "What?" "I don't know what to do." "Josh doesn't wanna hear from the man who got his mama pregnant then ran off, and neither do I." "Read it out loud." ""Josh, I have a lot of regrets in my life," ""none bigger than not being a part of yours." ""I'm flying in for the weekend and there's nothing I want more than to meet my son."" "Oh, hell no." "That man missed his chance." "Delete that." "But it's his father, and this might be the one opportunity for us to find out if Josh will be hot when he's older." "Hey." "What are you two whispering about?" "(giggles nervously) Uh, hot older men." "Oh, that's easy." "Sean Connery." "Number one." "Hypothetically, if Sean Connery were your father, how would you feel if he contacted you?" "How would you think I'd feel?" "(à la Sean Connery) Shaken, not stirred." "Now, hypothetically, what if it wasn't Sean Connery but your actual dad who wants to meet, and he's flying in tonight on hypothetical Delta Flight 48L." "Wow, that's a very specific hypothetical." "Hypothetically," "I'd have no interest in meeting him because he never had any interest in meeting me." "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait." "Hypothetically, you wouldn't want to meet your dad if he was reaching out to you after all these years?" "I don't wanna meet the bastard who bolted 'cause he didn't have the balls to raise his son." "So hypothetically, this whole conversation's over." "Ooh." "Wow, I can't believe how upset he got." "Good thing this was hypothetical." "(theme music playing)" "¶Shein thespotlight¶" "¶Andsheturnmyhead¶" "¶Sherunaredlight ¶" "¶' Causeshebadlikethat ¶" "¶I likethat Oohbaby,Oohbaby¶" "¶Baby,Ilikethat  Oohbaby,Oohbaby¶" "Hey, Yolanda, how's the diet going?" "Quiet, bitch." "So you're stickin' to it." "I'm trying to get down to 150 pounds before my doctor's appointment." "When is it, 2020?" "(laughing)" "It's not funny, Elliot." "I just turned 51, which is the age my mom passed and her mom passed." "I just wanna live long enough to dance on your grave." "Yolanda, you're gonna be fine." "Back then, people didn't know how to take care of themselves." "You know, they ate too much, they drank too much, they didn't work out." "Oh my damn!" "I gotta get to the gym." "Elliot, can you spot me?" "From space." "Hey." "I hope you're hungry." "I made you a papas fritas, a meat-your-dad-loaf, and for dessert, a "father and son-day."" "Gabi" "I know that was not a hypothetical conversation." "Yolanda told me." "And I know you're upset about it because if you weren't, you wouldn't be staring at your father's e-mail!" "This is a spreadsheet." "Oh." "Well, why aren't you staring at it?" "I mean, why don't you wanna meet him?" "He's your father!" "Look, this is none of your" "Listen." "You can't miss this opportunity, okay?" "I would do anything to see my mom again." "Not to play the dead mom card, that wouldn't be fair, but my mom's dead and I can never see her again!" "Gabi, you wanna know why my father's "reaching out" now?" "It's because my profile in Forbes just came out." "He's obviously after my money." "Ugh!" "Why are you being so negative?" "I mean, maybe he just wants a kidney." "Come on." "Aren't you even a little bit curious?" "I was curious when I was 12." "I looked him up, found out his name was Matt Danon." "I even wrote him a letter, and guess what?" "He never responded." "Okay." "That doesn't mean anything." "When I was 12, I sent a letter to Joey from Friends and I never heard back, not even a simple "How you doing?"" "Look, Gabi, you don't understand." "Maybe he just never got the letter." "Maybe the post office lost the letter." "Gabi" "God, I bet that's why Joey never wrote back." "Stop!" "I just want you to be happy." "And I just want you to stay out of it." "Okay, if that's what you really want." "That's what I really want." "Fine." "I can't believe we're doing this." "I mean, how lucky are we that Josh knows Matt Damon, and he sent you to the airport to pick him up!" "Uh-huh, so lucky." "Um, Sofia" "Oh, we almost forgot our super cute chauffeur hats." "Thank you so much for bringing me." "I wonder if Matt Damon's happy with his wife." "You gotta admit, Sofia Maria Consuela Rafaella Rodriguez Damon," "does have a nice ring to it." "Uh-huh." "Are you kidding me?" "You spelled Matt Damon wrong." "Did I?" "Yes." "Damon has an "M" in the middle." "But Danon has an "N" in the middle." "You know, like Matt Danon, Josh's Dad." "What?" "You know, Matt Damon is so over." "You remember that Martian movie?" "I mean, he's up there for a whole year and doesn't see one Martian!" "Gabi, are we gonna pick up Matt Damon or Matt Danon?" "Do you really not know?" "Oh my God!" "Gabi, you lied to me." "Oh, so you do know." "What is wrong with you?" "Josh specifically told you to stay out of it." "Yeah, I know, which is why I told you it was Matt Damon, so you would come with me and talk me out of it." "Now?" "You're telling me this now?" "His dad's gonna be here any minute." "Yeah, I know." "Talk fast!" "Gabi, this is so wrong, I mean, so wrong!" "What if Josh is right?" "What if his dad is only here because he wants his money?" "Yeah, which is why I'm going to drive him to the hotel, and get to know him and make sure he is here for all the right reasons." "And what if he's not?" "Then Josh is gonna more hurt than he was before." "Oh my God, Sofia, you're so right." "Why didn't you talk me out of this earlier?" "We gotta get out of here!" "I'm Matt Danon." "Too late." "Hey, uh, Mr. Kaminski sent us." "Oh, how nice." "Yeah, I'm Gabi, I'm the head driver and... this is Sofia, she's my trainee." "She'll take your bags." "Thanks." "Thank you." "How are you feeling?" "A little disappointed." "These hospital nachos just ain't cutting it." "She's talkin' to me, fool." "You're only here for emotional support." "You chose me for that?" "Wow, you really are all alone in the world." "Okay, Yolanda." "You're done." "(gasps) I knew it!" "I'm a goner!" "I'm comin', Mama!" "No, done with the test." "Actually, you did really well." "Oh!" "Hold on, Mama." "Your vitals are great, good blood pressure, heart rate." "In fact, you are in tip-top shape." "I think you mean muffin-top shape." "Honestly, she is in very good health." "You, on the other hand." "Do you normally sweat like that just from sitting and eating?" "Do you normally have the heat cranked up to 68?" "Thanks for letting me sit up front." "I get car sick." "So does Josh..." "Mr. Kaminski, I mean." "So, what brings you to town?" "Well, I'm actually here to" "Reconnect with your long-lost son?" "I drive Mr. Kaminski around a lot." "We've gotten close." "You can kiss that good-bye." "So, uh, Mr. Danon, if I may ask, why did you never contact Mr. Kaminski, even after he wrote to you?" "Was it because you were... young and scared and didn't know what to say?" "Actually I" "You thought, you know, you just missed so much of his life already that contacting him now, it did more harm than good?" "But now that you're older and wiser, you realize nothing is more important than meeting your son, not for money." "Subtle." "Believe me, I'm very successful." "This is not about money." "I knew you were here for the right reasons." "(phone rings)" "Oh, excuse me, I have to take this." "Hello?" "Hey,Gaby,it 'sJosh." "Hey!" "Listen,I thoughtabout whatyousaidaboutmydad, andyou'reright." "Yeah, I was." "Infact,youwon 'tbelieve whoI 'mwithrightnow ." "Uh, you won't believe who I'm with right now." "ThankstoyouI'm  sittingrightnexttomydad." "What?" "Yeahhisflightgot inearly, Imethimathishotel , and we're in his room right now." "What?" "Okay,I gottago ." "Okay, bye!" "(mutters) Possibly forever." "Gabi (thinking):" "Okay,Gabi." "Youpickedup aman  attheairportwho  saidhewasJosh'sdad,  whoturnedout nottobe Josh'sdad ." "There'sgottabe  asimpleexplanation." "OhI know..." "hewantsto putmeinahole  andmakeme  rublotionon my body orelseIget the hoseagain!" "Allright,calmdown." "AllI haveto do is slowdown, jumpoutandrolltosafety." "Ohdamnit !" "Ican'tleaveSofia." "Though,really,whatdoes shehaveto livefor ?" "Noboyfriend,dead-endjob ..." "Everything okay, Gabi?" "Everything's great." "Gabi (thinking):" "Youfreakin'psychopath!" "Oh,hell." "Ican 'tleaveSofia." "She'sthesmartone ." "She'llknowhowto getusoutofthis ." "Sofia!" "Sofia!" "Whatisshe,deaf?" "Sofia, is my purse back there?" "Uh... (muttering) This guy isn't Josh's dad." "What's that?" "This guy isn't Josh's dad." "(horn honking)" "Oh God, Gabi, watch the road!" "Are you trying to kill us?" "Gabi (thinking):" "I'mnot,he is !" "Sofia, I have to get something out of my bag." "Could you hand it to me please?" "Yeah." "Gabi (thinking):" "OhGod,oh God,ohGod!" "What'sinthere?" "Agun?" "Aknife?" "Agunthatshootsknives?" "No!" "Gabi!" "He's got a... gum!" "Would you like a piece?" "Oh, no, no thank you." "Clearly, I hate gum." "I'll take some." "No, she won't!" "Gabi (thinking):" "Yeah!" "That'sright." "Gottawakeup pretty earlyinthemorning toroofieGabiDiamond." "I can't believe we went to my physical, and found out you're the one who can die early." "She didn't say die." "She said, get my affairs in order." "Yolanda, your plan worked like a charm." "I told Gabi I was with my dad today, and she hasn't bugged me once all day long." "What would I do without you?" "(laughs)" "Don't worry, turns out," "I'm gonna be here a long time." "But you might want to say your goodbyes to Elliot." "All right, hey guys, if, uh," "Gabi gets back, tell her me and my "dad" went on a jog." "Uh, what do you think of my new gear?" "Cool or douchey?" "Not douchey." "(beeping sound)" "What was that?" "Oh..." "It's this stupid health monitor my doctor's making me wear." "It beeps whenever my heart rate or blood pressure go up." "Is it anything serious?" "No, the doctor said I just have to lose about five pounds." "(monitor beeps)" "Ten." "(monitor beeps)" "Fine!" "Thirty pounds!" "Oh my damn, that thing beeps every time you tell a lie!" "It does?" "I can't wear this." "I love lying." "My name's not even Elliot." "It's Jung-yi!" "I'll take it." "I can monitor my heart rate on my jog." "Okay, I'm just gonna get busy waxing these floors." "Good thing I'm not wearing that watch." "Okay, here we are at a gas station." "Wow, look, it's so crowded." "So many witnesses." "Uh, Sofia, let's go pee." "I don't have to go." "Gabi (thinking):" "DamnSofiaandher  stupidgiantbladder." "Uh, Matt, would you mind pumping the gas?" "You want me to pump it?" "Yeah, or is chivalry dead?" "That's not Josh's dad!" "What?" "I've been trying to signal you for half an hour." "He's a fake!" "A fraud!" "What are you talking about?" "He walked right up to us when he saw your sign at the airport." "Yeah, what do you think a fraud does?" "Anybody could claim to be Matt!" "I mean, you didn't even ID him!" "You're the worst trainee ever!" "But he answered all those questions about Josh." "Who did most of the talking?" "Me!" "He just went along with everything I said." "I don't think that proves anything." "Really?" "How about the fact that Josh just called me from his hotel where he's sitting with his real dad?" "What?" "Why didn't you lead with that?" "We're driving around with a psychopath." "(both scream)" "Oh, my God." "What do I do?" "What do I do?" "Floor it!" "Floor it!" "Oh, my God!" "(screams)" "Oh, my God!" "I think I hit him." "Uh..." "No it was just his foot, you're fine!" "Go, go, go, go!" "Oh, my God, I can't look." "How bad is it?" "Oh, it's bad." "Josh's whole muffler fell off." "Um, what am I gonna tell Josh?" "Okay, I know, um..." "It was so crazy, Josh." "I was down in the garage getting something, and I noticed a tiny little mark on your Range Rover, and so... you know, I rubbed it to see if it was a scratch and then, you know, this just came off." "Hey, what are you doing here so late?" "Uh, not important." "What is important, is that" "I am so happy that you finally met your dad because now you understand that having a family is... is so much more important than having, you know, expensive cars, or expensive stuff, like... expensive cars." "Gabi..." "You are so right." "Meeting my dad was amazing!" "(monitor beeps)" "What's that?" "Nothing." "(monitor beeps)" "Are you okay?" "Yeah, why wouldn't I be okay?" "I had a great afternoon with my dad." "We went for a jog." "(monitor beeps)" "Out for lunch." "(monitor beeps)" "The aquarium?" "(monitor beeps)" "Damn it!" "Gabi, there's something I need to tell you." "Remember when I told you I was with my dad this afternoon?" "Yeah." "I wasn't." "See, the thing is I never met him, and I made the whole thing up." "What?" "I just told you that so I could get you off my back." "I didn't want to meet him and I knew you wouldn't let up." "What?" "And, I didn't even have to do that because, I mean, look at you... you totally stayed out of it and respected my feelings." "Mm-hmm, yup, that's what I did." "Um..." "So... hypothetically if somebody went to the airport with a sign that said "Matt Danon,"" "and then somebody came up to them and said," ""Hi, I'm Matt Danon,"" "odds are pretty good it was in fact your father, Matt Danon." "Gabi... what did you do?" "Really or hypothetically?" "I told you to stay out of this!" "Yeah, I know, but if you would have called me with your fake father story before I got to the airport, none of this would have happened." "So this is my fault you went to the airport?" "And ran him over with your car." "What?" "Listen, when you called me and said you were with your real dad," "I thought the guy I was with was a murderer, and me and Sofia were going to die, but it turns out it was your real dad, and me and Sofia didn't die, and neither did he because the hospital said he's going to be totally fine." "The hospital?" "Yeah, it's okay, all right?" "It was just his feet." "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop talking!" "I told you to stay out of this, and what did you do?" "I didn't stay out of it." "No, you didn't stay out of it." "You know why?" "Because you're sick." "Josh, I know, I know." "I just thought it was" "really important that you" "See, see?" "There it is!" "This is it this is the sickness!" "You know, it doesn't matter what you think I should do." "How about what I think?" "You have no respect for what I think, or for my feel" "Why is there a piece of my Range Rover on the floor?" "I think you already know." "You know what, Gabi, just leave." "Okay, all right, that's... that's what I'll do." "I'm doing it." "I'm doing it." "But I just" "Get out!" "I did it!" "Mr. Danon, you have a visitor." "I do?" "If it's that crazy chauffeur girl" "Josh." "Don't say anything." "Just listen." "I only came down here to explain to you that my chef took my car without my permission, and she picked you up from the airport without my knowledge." "I am extremely sorry that she inadvertently ran you over... twice... and I will pay for your hospital stay, but that's it." "If you think you're getting another dime out of her or me, you have another thing coming, because though I am rich," "I'm really, really rich," "I have a team of lawyers that will keep you tied up in court for years." "So when you get discharged, just pack up your stuff and leave, like you did when I was born, because I don't wanna see you." "I don't wanna talk to you." "I don't want to hear from you, ever." "Wanna know why I never wrote you back?" "I do, I really, really do." "And he said he wanted to write me back, but he just couldn't find the right words to say and then, months went by and then years went by, and he felt like too much time passed." "You know, he still said he has my letter in his desk." "Aww..." "So..." "I actually I did the right thing by... being interested in how you feel and... what you're thinking." "Yes, thank you for respecting my feelings." "Oh well, that's just who I am." "I mean, the truth is, I have no idea where me and my dad go from here, but I can honestly say that..." "I'm glad I met him." "and..." "I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier." "So, your dad's not... mad about me running him over?" "Oh..." "No, he got over it." "(monitor beeps)" "And you're not mad I destroyed your super nice expensive car?" "Nope, I'm over it." "(monitor beeps)" "Okay." "Again with that beeping." "What is that?" "It's a health monitor and it seems to beep every time you lie." "No way!" "Wait." "So you really are mad" "Gabi!" "There is no one in my life that could've pushed me to do this." "Thank you." "Well, I knew you'd wanna meet your dad." "(sighs)" "So we had a little fight... and a little make-up." "How about a little make-up punch?" "No, no, no, Josh." "You know the rules, okay?" "We can't have punch card sex if one of us is having... feelings, and clearly you're having some feelings" "No I'm not!" "(monitor beeps)" "I'm not!" "(monitor beeps)" "I'm gonna go." "Yolanda, you know I have to diet." "Why did you order an extra large pizza?" "You're right." "I should've got an order of wings too." "(knock on door)" "As if watching you eat wasn't torture enough, that's the personal trainer my doctor's making me work out with." "Aw, how about I do a few reps with you." "One." "Two." "Hey!" "Hi, I'm the new trainer, Justin." "I'm looking for Elliot." "Both:" "I'm Elliot!" "Uh-uh." "Back off, bitch." "Now it's my turn to be hangry." "Come on, Justin." "Oh, oh yes." "Damn!" "Why do I gotta be so healthy?" "(screams)"