"Family Guy 7x04" " Baby Not On Board You guys are gonna love this spa." "They give the best massages." " Your whole body will feel like Joe's legs." " Wow!" " That would be nice for a short period." "I tell you, I need this." "I've had a really stressfull morning." "Wait a minute, Doc." "Are you telling me that its 8:25?" " Precisely." " Damn." "I'm late for school." "That's the power of love." "Okay." "Why don't you just get yourself settled up on the table." " I'll give you a minute." " Eh" " What am I supposed" " You ready in there?" " Yep." "Aw ha-ha, you put some fake poo on the floor." "Oh no!" "Get out!" "Get out!" "Scat!" "Ah, this is more like it." "Is the music okay?" "Actually would you mind tuning it to 97.1?" "You're listening to the Quiet Storm." "Up next the music of the Eiselys" "Teddy Pendergrass and right now here's some Marvin Gaye" "Oh, that's what I'm talking about." "Ohhh, this is long overdue." "There's nothing like a good suit massage." "Focus on to lapels." "That's where I carry most of my stress." "Okay, here's one." "If you were gay and you had to have sex with either John Forsythe or Sean Connery, who would it be?" " Oh, that's easy, John Forsythe." " Yeah, John Forsythe." " John Forsythe, absolutely." "That's so funny, I would also say John Forsythe, I was just curious." "Yeah, I mean Sean Connery is just so" " O-oh" " Oh god, I am so sorry." " It's too late." "The damage is done." "Hey Chris, you know what I just got?" "The boxset of Lord Of The Rings." "It's awesome." "Yeah, but you remember the giant eagle they rode in the first one and then rescues them at the end of the third one?" " Yeah, yeah." "Yeah, why didn't they just fly the eagle to Mordor instead of spending three movies walking there." "That's not what it's about, Chris." "That's about the quest." "Oh, I'm not arguing that with you, I'm just saying there's hole in the story." " Huh" " Have you ever seen Krull?" " No." "Yeah, you don't need to see Krull." "All right guys, the best thing you can do for your body after a massage is hot coffee, alcohol and slim jims." "Oh, dad, I'm glad you're here." " There's something I need to ask you." " What is it, Chris?" " Well, um" " Today in gym class" "I've noticed one of my testicles went up inside my body and hasn't come back out yet." "And I'm a little scared." "Uh" " Sir, this employee just made a sexual remark to me." "No, dad, I'm really worried." "Look, is that normal?" "Ah, ah" " Sir, sir, your employee is exposing himself to me." " But dad!" " You've got a lawsuit on your hands, mister." "Woah, woah, okay, look, look." "If you'd be willing to forget this whole thing happen I'll give you this gas card." "Unlimited Free Gas for a year?" "Just 'cause I threatened to sue you?" "Well, that and you're not the worst looking guy who's ever come in there." "That's what I wanted to hear." "Wow, Peter, a free gas card." "This could save us a lot of money." "Yeah, everyone except Brian 'cause he bought a Prius, what a dumbass." "What?" "What?" "What I miss?" "We're laughing at Brian?" "Ha-ha, Brian, you're suck." "What the devil is in here?" "Oh, I threw out all your apple juice, Stewie." "We're a gas family now." "You put gasoline in Stewie's bottle?" "You damn fool." "You're more useless than Aquaman." "Help!" "Somebody help me!" "Scream all you want, nobody can hear you out here." "I can!" "Aquaman, help!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey, let her go!" "Or what?" "Or-- or" " I don't know man-- but you're lucky you're not doing that over here-- in the ocean." "Or else" " I would stop you." "For god's sake!" "Help!" "Do something!" "Ah, if you don't like starfish you gonna be mad about what I just did." "Oh god!" "Help!" "Ah, you're in for it now, buddy." "I've got like five fish coming to help." "Oh, Oh, here they are." "Help, he's hurting me." "Well, maybe you shouldn't have let him on." "Peter, what the hell is that?" "It's a space shulttle, Lois." "I figured with unlimited free gas I can finally afford to go in to space." "Why is it every time I open this door you seem to be in some ridiculous vehicle you inexplicibly acquired." "I've got this at the NASA auction for next to nothing." "They gonna scrap it 'cause some minor mechanical problems or something." "Instead they sold it to me." "Very simple explaination." "I do not want you trying to fly that thing, you're not even a trained astronaut." "Relax, Lois, nothing bad ever happens to space shuttles." "Now stay at back." "I'm back from space, everybody." "You've got lucky, Peter." "How was it, dad?" "Oh, mind boggling, Chris." "Barreling around the earth at 5 miles per second." "Watching the sunrise over the sea at Japan." "It's indescribable." "Plus I've had a lot of time to rub one out which in space is great, except after a while it's like living in a snow globe." "Peter, instead of wasting your free gas on a series of comedic stunts why don't use it more constructively?" "I mean we can take a family vacation." "That's a great idea, mom." "Hey, maybe we can go to the island from Lost." "No, I don't wanna listen Matthew Fox's heavy breathing." "Kate" " You don't get it." "We are the island." "Hand me that paper bag." "Jack, that's got my poop in it." "I know." "I know." "It's got a hint of coconut in it." "And something else." "But that's a part of mystery." "All aboard for Grand Canyon." "I know you're tired, Stewie, but you can sleep all you want in the car." "Oh, 6AM." "I shouldn't have stayed up all night listening to persian radio." "Hey, that was Roxette with You've got the look." "It's 21 o'clock and still 27 Centigrade out there." "Hoack, that's hot." "So, if you're cruising along the left side of the road at a 120 km per hour in the Dasht-e Kavir desert, turn up the decibels 'cause it's Shaleb Mame with Zeheh Maleh on 103.2." "The Hock." "What with all those birds?" "My tropical bird collection, just in case." "Just in case what?" "We're not gonna need a dozen tropical birds." "Oh, I was not aware that you can see the future, Lois." "Can I go ahead and get tomorrow's lottery number?" "Stupid woman." "Peter, you are not putting those birds in a car." "Oh, well then I guess we're not going on vacation." "Oh, good, then I'm going back to bed." "All right, Peter, you can bring the stupid birds." "Yay!" "You're letting me be myself." "All right, everybody, let's go." "All right, everybody, off we go." "We are gonna have such a great time." " Hello." " Hey, Peter, what's up?" " Hey, Quagmire, just taking the family on vacation." " Oh, that's good." "Oh, hang on a second, I'm stuck behind some fatass driving too slow." "C'mon stupid, move it." "Hang on, Quagmire, some jerk behind me honking his horn." "Oh, you should totally flip him off." "Oh, hang on a sec, some fatass just flipped me off." "Hey, up yours, you jerk." "Hang on, Quagmire, I've gotta kick this guy's ass." "Yeah, I've gotta kick this guy's ass." " Hey, I'll call you back after the fight." " Yeah, me too." " Good luck in yours." " Good luck in yours." "Lois?" "I'm awake, Lois." "Lois!" "Lois?" "Where the devil is everyone?" "This place is more deserted than James Gandolfini's workout room." "Just waitin' for my breakfast." "Lois!" "I know how to get her attention." "Lois, I'm about to drink my first soda, better come stop me." "Mmm, that must be the sugar." "Oh god, that's good." "Rupert, suddenly I want to run, chase me." "Oh, now I'm sad." "Brian, do me a favor and check on Stewie, would you?" "He's fine." "Hey, what do you say we sing a driving song?" "Okay, that was good, that was good." "Chris, I thing you were a little earlier on start of bar 4." "I don't know." "How'd that sound from your end?" "Sounded great." "I'd hear you, you want another?" "No, if that's works for you, we're fine." " I'm good on my end." " All right, that's a take." "There's no sign of them anywhere." "Meg?" "Chris?" "Brian?" "They're gone." "I'm all alone." "I can do whatever I want." "I'm gonna take Brian's novel and replace every use of the word and with the word fart." "The young soldier fart his brother looked at each other fart both knew that with love fart truth fart courage they would both emerge stfarting on their feet." "Eh, that one didn't work." "Well, let's see what facinating pubescent treasures Chris has got hidden away." "Whoo, Hustler magazine." "I finally get to see what a vagina looks" "Oh god!" "Oh my god!" "Oh my god!" "You-- can't hurt-- anyone-- anymore-- Why are we in New York?" "I thought we were going to the Grand Canyon." "Well, I just thought we should stop and pay our respects." "Ground zero." "So this is where the first guy got AIDS." "Peter, this is the site of 9/11 terrorist attacks." " Ah, so Saddam Hussein did this?" " No." " The Iraqi army?" " No." " Some guys from Iraq?" " No." "That one lady who visited Iraq that one time?" "No." "Peter, Iraq had nothing to do with this, it was bunch of saudi-arabians, lebanese and egyptians financed by a saudi-arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by pakistanies." "So, you're saying we need to invade Iran?" "Wake up, Stewie, let's get you out of that seat into a fresh diaper." "Oh my god!" "Peter, Stewie's not in the car." "Oh my god, we must have left him at home." "Oh my god." "That." "Is." "Hilarious." "He's probably freaking out." "God, I would give anything to see his face right now." "He's" " He's probably all like "Whe" " Where the deuce is everyone"." "Well, I can't really do a good Stewie." "Oh my god, what kind of a mother am I?" "Peter, we gotta go home right now." "Oh great, Lois." "Now we gonna bail on the whole vacation." "This sucks." "Now every time I come back to this place it's gonna be associated with one particular bad memory." "Actually we could call Quagmire and Cleveland." "They can go over and check on Stewie." "They probably be even willing to look after him 'til we get home." "Well, okay, I guess so." "Yeah, Quagmire and Cleveland are great with kids." "Like Robin Williams in Patch Adams." "Huh." "Everybody's lying around in here." "Liar, liar, pants on fire." "What am I in congress?" "Ho-ho." "See, laughter is the best medicine." "Please, sir, I'm in so much pain." "Shut up and listen to my material." "Huh, what's this?" "Bedpan?" "Peter pan?" "Oh, next stop is Neverland." "Come Wendy, fly with me." "Ho-ho." "Hmm, I've never executed a diaper change before." "Of course how hard could it be." "You just unfasten these things then lay back with your legs in the air and let nature do the rest." "Hm, it's still there." "Usually the doody's disappeared by now but it hasn't." "Huh?" "!" "Intruders!" "Stewie, you in there?" "You think he's here?" "Oh god, it's Cleveland and Bob Hope." "Oh well, the damage is done." "Better get em out of here." "Perhaps I'll shackle them in the basement." "With a 24-hour broadcast of the DirecTV help channel." "What the hell?" "Where are we?" "Getting to know your remote is easier than you might think." "These buttons at the top control volume, channel and the power on your receiver." "To see what else is playing just press Guide." "And then scroll through the on-screen menu by pushing the arrow-button." "Now that we've learned the basics..." "This maybe kinda messed up but" " Am I the only one gettin' a boner right now?" "Is there anything that doesn't give you a boner, Glenn?" "People who use the word rubbish when they mean garbage." " Really?" " Yep." "Not even a wiggle down there." "Your shows will appear on My Playlist." "Peter, it's been 8 hours and haven't heared from Cleveland or Quagmire." "I even tried Joe." "This is my wheelchair." "There are many like it but this one is mine." "Without me my wheelchair is useless." "Without my wheelchair I am useless." " Shut up!" " Okay.." "This sucks." "I wanna see the Grand Canyon." "I'm sorry but we are not leaving Stewie by himself." "We're going home." "No way!" "Those guys have a TV in their car." "He-he." "They're watching Operation Dumbo Sex with Don Knotts." "Professor, you've got to impregnate this elephant or the entire species will become extinct." "You mean I gotta put this thing in that thing?" "Well, this is a job that's not worth the money." "Peter, watch the road." "Lois, get off my back, will ya?" "I'm trying to watch TV." "I swear to god, sometimes I think your head's screwed on backwards." "I mean do you have any idea" "Hey, crashie, what are you doing down there?" "Well, Rupert, we're out of food, diapers and just about everything else." "Which means I've got to get a job." "otherwise we'll in worse shape than Morbidly Obese Albert." "Hey, Morbidly Obese Albert, we brought you some chocolate." "Huh, I can't eat those chocolates on account of my diabetes." "Remember, they've had to take my foot." "Look on the bright side, now you can get your shoes half-price." "Alright, maybe I'll have one." "Welcome to McBurgertown." "Can I take your order?" "Stewie, you've got to clean the bathroom." "No, no!" "I'm not going back in there." "Stewie, I'm not giving you a choice." "You've gotta go clean that up." "No!" "No!" "It was literally only on the floor." "All right, there was no attempt to get near the toilet." "It's like they just-- pressed their buttocks against the wall." " The only part of the floor that didn't had poo on it was the part that had baby on it." " Go!" "Peter, did you get the train tickets?" "Uh, actually no, Lois." "There was a guy inside selling shower curtain rings, so I bought a bunch of those." "Peter!" "That was last of our cash!" "These ones have helium in them, so they're very light." "You are unbelieveable!" "Our last four days had been a living hell." "Our baby is at home all by himself but instead of getting us home you've managed to make things worse at every turn." "A monkey would be a refreshing step up from you." "A monkey would talk less." "Here's a little tip." "If your instinct tells you to do something, don't do it!" "If your instinct tells you not to do something, it's probably the right thing to do!" "You wanna hurt me?" "Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better." "I'm an easy target." "Yeah, you're right." "I talk too much." "I also listen too much." "I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you." "But I don't like to hurt people's feelings." "You think what you want about me, I'm not changing." "I like." "I like me." "My kids like me." "My friends like me." "'Cause I'm the real article." "What you see is what you get." "Movie references." "Guys!" "I found us a ride to Quahog in the back of a truck." "Hurry." "Oh, thank god." "C'mon let's head home before Stewie gets hurt like Fozzie Bear when he went to Saudi Arabia." "Eh, It's good to worship Allah 'cause I used to worship summah" "Wakka-wakka." "I once knew a guy who was so arab" "How arab was he?" "Eh, he was so arab that everybody liked him and there was nothing funny about him at all." "Stewie, can I see you in my office for a second?" "Aw, yeah, what's up, Eric?" "Everything ok?" "Yeah, just come into my office." "Stewie, Shiwanda said she saw you sneaking food." "Whaaaat?" "She said she saw you in the back of a kitchen sneaking a fish sandwich." "Oh, come on, dude." "Yes, okay." "But the thing was five minutes past the throw out time." "Well, be that as it may." "Shiwanda took these pictures on her cellphone." "You're fired." "We're broke, Rupert." "I'm jobless, there's no food left" "I'm out of diapers and I'm down to Meg's last hat." "We're doomed, you know." "Let it be written on my tombstone" "My life was considerably better with my family around." "And I didn't realize it until it was too late." "Mommy!" "Daddy!" "Chris!" "Dog!" "Brian!" "They're home." "Oh, mommy, thank god you're home." "Ah, Stewie, my baby." "I promise with all my heart that I'll never say or do anything bad to you for the rest of the evening." "By the way, I disabled the V-chip and I've watched so much porn." "Ah, sweetie, I'm so glad you're all right." "Yeah, no thanks to Cleveland and Quagmire." "Wonder what the hell happened to them." "And now you're ready to enjoy the full range of exciting DirecTV programming options." "And remember for answers to any questions you may have you can consult the on-screen help menu." "So sit back and enjoy DirecTV." "Thanks for joining us." "Welcome to the DirecTV help channel." "Your destination for getting started with your new DirecTV system." "Did I tell you I'm getting a spin-off?"