"Isn't it a wonderful day for a ride, darling?" "Aren't you glad I persuaded you?" "Because you really do like to ride, you know." "You just won't admit it." "And you simply couldn't be nervous on old Sad Sam that no one could manage to fall off..." "Uh-oh!" "Oh, dear." "Why, darling, did you come unstuck?" "Unstuck?" "Certainly not." "I just happened to glance down and he wasn't there anymore." "Well, you're not hurt, dear." "Well, it's nice of you to tell me." "The thing to do when you fall off is to get right back on again." "Yes, I know." "Upsy daisy." "I've been hearing that for seven years." "Horses!" "When you were courting me, you said you loved them." "Well, that was on a boat." "And remember, you were gonna turn over your horse business to your pal Lancelot, and we were gonna live in the city." "You never fail to bring Lance into it, do you?" "I didn't bring him in." "You already had him." "Maybe he's the guy you should have married." "That's what he thinks, too." "Oh, darling, let's not quarrel again." "It's the day before Christmas." "Come on, we'll walk the horses home." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Look out, Jeff!" "He's going to jump." "Pick a soft spot to land." "Sorry, Sal." "Sorry, Miss Sally." "We was just trying to get Lady Julia home." "How is she, Lance?" "Well, her leg is more swollen, Sal." "She's very feverish." "I don't like her looks at all." "I think we'd better have another vet." "I'm really worried about her." "I heard you." "Worried about an animal with your husband lying in those bushes unconscious, probably dead." "Maybe still is." "But, Jeff, dear..." "Worried about a horse." "She's not a horse." "She's a mare, old boy." "Ladies first, you know." ""Ladies first"?" "Are you kidding?" "After all, it was just a little accident." "One time or another, I suppose I've broken about every bone in my body." "Except your neck." "Oh, Jeff, after all, you are all right." "Come on." "Off again, on again, old boy." "Look, I wouldn't get back on him again if you cut him off at the knees and put wheels on him." "But..." "I wouldn't get on him again if he sprouted handlebars!" "But..." "I hate him, see." "I hate them all." "I've hated them all of my life." "The first thing I remember hating was my hobbyhorse." "Jeff, please." "I hate merry-go-rounds." "I hate Black Beauty." "Jeff." "Even horseradish makes me throw up." "I've been wanting to tell you this for seven long years." "Now, I'm through, see." "Well, I'm just through." "You'd better ride Sam home, and Jeff can get safely home in the car, perhaps." "If nothing frightens it." "Hello there, Mr. Hodges." "Afternoon, Mr. Warren." "Oh, more Christmas." "I have to see." "I'll ride on and see to Lady Julia, Sal." "Merry Christmas, Mr. Hodges." "Oh, same to you, Mrs. Warren." "Here, calendar." "Got one myself." "Season's greetings from the Little Gem Fertilizer Company." "Yes, that would be for Mrs. Warren, all right." "That's right." "Anything to do with horses, it's for Mrs. Warren." "And anything like relics, it's for mister." "Got one right here, too." "Sword." "Tell by the feel." "Ought to be able to." "Must be a dozen old swords I've brought you, Mr. Warren." "No, 14, Mr. Hodges." "And a Bowie knife." "Yes." "Do you mind?" "Mmm?" "Who's it from?" "Oh." "Oh, uh..." ""Presented to Mr. Jefferson Warren," ""the distinguished historian of the Old South," ""by the Tatum Courthouse Chapter of the Mason-Dixon Dames. "" "Oh, those Dames." "They just adore my husband." "You mean they like my books, dear." "And they always send him such wonderful things." "General Jackson's baby high chair," "General Stuart's favorite bed..." "The house is beginning to look like a museum." "Well, it still smells like a horse." "Guess that's all." "Thank you, Mr. Hodges." "Thank you." "For you, dear. "Merry Christmas from Bonbright's Saddlery. "" "And this is for you." ""Colonial Dames. "" "Here you are, dear." ""Yuletide sale of snaffles. "" "Snaffles." ""Dames." "Daughters." "Dames." "Daughters." "Dames. "" "Isn't it wonderful, Mr. Hodges?" "Mr. Warren gets almost as much fan mail as if he were a crooner." "Always joking, Mrs. Warren." "I always say you two have more fun." "Bye." "Bye." "Goodbye, Mr. Hodges." ""Christmas greetings from the 7th Cavalry. "" "What are you, dear, the daughter of the regiment?" "Oh, Jeff, I'm sorry." "Please, let's not fight." "It is Christmas, and in less than an hour, the children will be home and you have to get into your Santa Claus outfit." "Come on, dear." "Why do women have to wear such tight boots?" "To make their feet look smaller, dear." "Jeff." "Hmm?" "Do you remember when we got that?" "I don't know." "It was about four years ago, wasn't it?" "Yes, when the children were little." "Say, honey, where's the..." "Where's the beard?" "The beard." "In the drawer here." "Oh." "And do you remember what they gave me for Christmas?" "Chicken pox." "That's very funny." "Saved up all year." "Yes." "It wasn't very funny at the time." "Jeff." "Things were different then." "What's happened to us, Jeff?" "What's the matter with us?" "You mean beside the horses?" "Oh, don't joke." "Yes, beside horses or delegations from the MDD or..." "Is it Lance?" "Is it?" "No." "I don't know." "He's around." "And I'm not, I suppose." "Not like you used to be." "Let's cut it out, Jeff." "Let's not let anything happen, ever." "Everything seems to, though." "Yes." "Well, let's hurry." "I want to give you my present before the children come home." "Yeah." ""From Sally. "" "Oh, Sally, what a desk." "What a swell desk." "It's just swell." "Oh, it isn't just a desk, any old desk, it's Jefferson Davis'." "Jefferson Davis'?" "Good gosh." "It is, though." "Where he signed things." "Everything." ""While General Lee sat right over there on the other side," the man said." "General Robert E. Lee." "Well, Sally, how the dickens did you ever get it?" "Oh, a wonderful antiquarian." "Jeff, you know, I always thought anti meant against something." "Antiquarian." "It sounds like somebody against fish." "Is there a name for them?" "For what?" "People against fish." "Darling, aren't you thrilled?" "Thrilled?" "Well, Sally, I just can't get over it." "I just can't get over it." "And I thought you hated my war collection." "I do." "The things other women give you." "Other women." "Oh, Sally, you know they all come from nice old ladies." "Mmm." "They're women, though." "And it's never too late." "Oh, you still haven't noticed everything." "Why?" "Is there something else?" "Mmm-hmm." "Sally." "We couldn't fight anymore, could we?" "Not now." "It would be awful right in the same house with President Davis' desk." "Fight?" "Wait till you see what I've got for you." "Jeff, it's something that begins with an "H" and has little "H's. "" "Now, come on." "Come on." "Joe, what's my mysterious present?" "Oh, I ain't supposed to tell, Miss Sally." "Now, Sally, wait right here." "Be right back." "Come on, Joe." "You're sure no one's seen him, huh?" "No, sir." "I kept him hid just like you told me to." "Good." "Say, you know, Mr. Jeff, it seems funny, you buying a horse." "Well, they tell me it's a good one." "I guess it'd be a surprise if it turned out" "I picked a horse that could win the Virginia Challenge Cup, hmm?" "Oh, yes, it sure would." "You know that Clear Valley Stables been trying to find that horse for more than 25 years." "Here he is, Mr. Jeff." "He looks mighty proud you bought him." "You know, horses like you." "You ought to like horses." "Yeah, well, I just can't seem to somehow, Joe." "I..." "Wait a minute, Albert." "You can finish your dinner later." "Oh, no." "No, don't interrupt his dinner." "Just bring him along." "Yeah." "Yes, sir." "I'll put a long leash on him, sir." "Come on, Albert." "Hello, Lance." "Hello, Sal." "I'm waiting for my present from Jeff." "I think it's a horse." "Oh, does it look like one?" "If Jeff picked it out..." "Lance, if you say one mean word..." "Hear you bought Sal a present, old boy." "There's a rumor it's a horse." "Where is it, darling?" "I can't wait!" "Isn't that sweet of Jeff, Lance?" "Especially when he isn't..." "Well, he isn't attached to them." "He's usually detached." "Sorry, old boy." "Just slipped off." "I mean out." "Christmas, Jeff." "Remember?" "Merry Christmas." "Do you like him?" "Notice his withers, Sally." ""Very fine withers," the man said." "Wait till I give you his pedigree." "Why, he's..." "He's sweet." "And, Sally, see his fine, long tail?" ""Very important, a horse's tail," the man said." "Yes, he's handsome, Jeff." "Thanks." "I don't pretend to be an expert, but he certainly looked like a beautiful colt to me." "Colt?" "Here, let's have a look at his teeth." "Hold this." "Oh, teeth." "Good heavens, they're tusks!" "Oh, Lance." "Please, no." "Never look a gift horse in the mouth, eh?" "You've been had, old boy." "This fellow's at least 12 years old." "Well, that's not too old for a steeplechaser." "I've heard you say so yourself." "Why, I know him, Sally." "I thought I did." "This is Albert." "Steeplechase." "Why, he couldn't jump over his own hat." "Lance!" "Albert's beautiful, Jeff." "Come on, let's all go back." "Why, he used to be a sprinter on the flat when I was in knee pants." "They've been trying to sell him to some sucker for years." "Grandpappy Albert." "Why, you ought to have a long white beard." "Here." "Let's see how you look in a long white beard." "Here's a hat." "Doesn't he look funny in a white beard?" "And don't you look funny in a nosebag?" "Great, big grown men fighting like animals." "Did you notice me when I hung him on the end of my left, dear?" "You beast!" "And when I nailed him with that Sunday punch?" "And got nailed, I'm glad to say." "Look at your nose!" "It's more like Santa Claus', isn't it?" "Anything for realism." "A fine Christmas!" "Fine, fine!" "One of the finest I recall." "I've been waiting seven long years for a chance to tag that guy." "Oh, well, Albert enjoyed it if nobody else did." "Where's my beard, dear?" "Here." "I do not like you." "Hmm." "Smells like Albert." "Good thing I got a sore nose." "Did you hear what I said?" "Come in." "I said, "I do not like you. "" "What are you doing, dears?" "Hating him." "Oh!" "And you got me into it, too, Mother, seven long years ago." "I'd never have looked at him if you and the captain of that horrible scow hadn't needed a fourth at bridge." "Now, now, dear." "There's so little to do on a boat." "What's she done to you, darling?" "I done to him?" "He's been fighting with Lance like an animal." "Really, Jeff, did you have to right then?" "Afraid so, honey child." "A fight, and I was at a children's party in the basement of a church." "Mother." "Well, come, dears." "Your little cherubs are waiting for jolly old St. Nick." "I suppose you let them gorge themselves at the party." "Certainly." "They wouldn't think it was Christmas if they weren't allowed to be sick." "We'll be waiting." "And if it's possible, try not to box anyone, dear." "One-Round Santa Claus I was known as." "The bell." "He comes out slugging." "He's down." "He's up." "He's down." "He's down." "I don't see how you can face your little children." "Hello, Todd." "Hello, Uncle Todd." "Hello, ladies." "Where's Jeff?" "In there." "Hi, Uncle Todd!" "A very merry Christmas to you." "Did you locate the punch bowl?" "Well, I went to it like a homing beagle." "Let's get this up here where we can stick these in here for the kids from their favorite great-uncle." "I hope you haven't brought them anything destructive again." "No, no, just air rifles." "Oh!" "Thousand-shotters." "Probably won't be a window in the house come New Year." "What's the matter with your nose?" "Yeah." "Oh, tough trip down the chimney." "You better watch out for those things." "Yeah." "Well, you beat it, so you'll be down there when I make my grand entrance for my little angels." "Little angels." "Okay." "Now, we have a nice, little present for Grandma." "A bull's-eye!" "Got him in the..." "Oh, you!" "Why did you do that?" "Mama, Mama, Johnnie shot the angel!" "Children, please!" "Come on now, put the guns down." "But, Mama, I wanted to shoot it first!" "Put the gunny-wunnies down." "But who can I shoot, Mama?" "Your Uncle Todd, dear, later." "Goody, goody!" "Now, come on." "Funny old Santa has some more presents for you." "Well, my good little children, we've just about reached the bottom of the barrel." "Oh, I hope not, my jolly old elf." "Mama, Santa's got a nosebleed." "Look at his whiskers." "Looky, Mama." "Yes, dears, isn't he fun?" "Must be going." "Thousands of other little children." "People who love me." "Let go." "No, no." "Don't go, Santa." "Let old Santa go now, my little dears." "Yes, yes, the farther off, the better." "But what made his nose bleed?" "Well, a reindeer kicked him." "What reindeer?" "Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Santa?" "No, no, it was..." "It was Cupid." "And was it Cupid who kicked Uncle Lance in the eye?" "Now, just let go of old Santa." "Well, now, say goodbye to Santa, now." "Say goodbye." "Goodbye, everybody." "Goodbye." "But we want to go with Santa Claus!" "But, Mama, we wanna see the reindeer kick him again." "That's a very good eggnog, my boy." "Thank you, Uncle Todd." "A bit on the anemic side." "All right." "You're not drinking yours?" "No, no, no, I'll have one later." "Thanks." "Okay, sir." "Pity to have it sitting around just doing nothing." "That's all right." "What did you give Sally for Christmas, Jeff?" "A horse, Uncle Todd." "A horse?" "Why, I thought you didn't like the silly things." "Great heavens." "A drunken horse." "Bring him right along, please." "Come along." "Company, Mr. Jeff, for you." "Great cat!" "He's coming to call." "Don't let him in now." "Do you hear?" "It's a degradation for Mr. Jeff." "It's a what?" "One of them women's degradations." "Yes, sir." "Oh, brother." ""... by the ladies of the Tatum Courthouse Chapter of the Mason and Dixon Dames. "" "And now, dear Mr. Warren, after receiving your kind acceptance of our invitation to speak at our convention, we decided unanimously to just surprise you in advance with the most treasured relic in our little museum." "General Pennypoke's charger." "And the saddle, Janet." "And saddle." "We think, coming from General Pennypoke's own hometown, that Black Prince was one of the most significant horses in the Confederacy." "Don't we, girls?" "It's an honor." "Just can't tell you how much I appreciate this..." "Oh, we knew you'd love him just as if he were alive!" "Of course, you know the story." "The General got Black Prince after four lesser horses were shot out from under him." "Five, Janet!" "Five!" "Shot right out." "Yes, well, I can certainly appreciate the General's position in the matter." "I've had dozens of horses shoot out from under me." "I mean..." "Well, now that the ceremony's over," "I'm Janet Doughton." "How do you do?" "And this is Mrs. Walsh." "How do you do?" "And this is Mrs. Harvey." "How do you do?" "But where's Mary Lou?" "She's paying off the truck man." "Here you are, dear." "I'm afraid you've completely missed the presentation." "Such a pity." "But you can still meet our dear, dear Mr. Warren, which is the important event, after all, isn't it?" "Mr. Warren, this is my niece, Miss Medford." "Mary Lou, this is our distinguished author, Mr. Warren." "How do you do, Miss Medford?" "And Mrs. Warren, ladies." "How do you do?" "Oh, Mrs. Warren." "I just worship your books, Mr. Warren, especially The Last Campaign on the Lower Mississippi." "But don't blame me for Black Prince." "Isn't he grim?" "And now, if we could just have a peek at where genius composes?" "Right this way, ladies." "And this is his sword." "His sword." "Oh." "Our uniform!" "Yes, that's Mrs. Warren's great grandfather's." "He rode with Stuart." "Of course, we've had it cleaned." "Dear, dear Mr. Warren." "I have an idea." "Girls, an idea!" "If that table and that chair were moved, there'd be room for Black Prince right beside your desk." "We'll bring him in." "We'll help!" "Where we could feel he was a constant source of inspiration." "Why, he'd adore a horse in the house." "Wouldn't you, darling?" "Put him right there." "Ah, ah, ah, the chandelier." "Right by the desk I gave him for Christmas." "Jefferson Davis' desk." "Oh, why, it does look exactly like it." "It is it." "Why, Mrs. Warren, how did you ever get the museum in Richmond to part with it?" "It wasn't in Richmond." "But, Mrs. Warren, I'm sure..." "Isn't it odd that President Davis should have bought a desk made in Grand Rapids?" "Oh, dear, dear Mrs. Warren..." "I'm so sorry." "You'll dislike me now." "I didn't want you to." "I especially didn't want you to." "Oh, no." "No, I won't." "Of course not." "I'm so afraid your Christmas is going to be spoiled." "I told Aunt Janet this was an awful time to descend on anyone." "But I couldn't resist coming and getting to meet you." "And now, you'll never forgive poor little me." "Or will you?" "Well, merry Christmas, as I was saying." "All the old harmless customs." "Well, I certainly hope you have something nice in your stocking." "Goodbye, Mr. Warren." "Oh, yes." "Goodbye." "Oh, I almost forgot to give you this." "Oh, thanks." "Thank you." "Yes." "I'll see you at the convention." "Well..." "Well..." "Bye." "Look, Sally." "Now look, will you?" "Oh, for Pete's sake, Sally!" "Look, you..." "Oh, cut it out, Sally." "I didn't want to kiss her." "Anyway, she's just kind of a child." "Child?" "Oh, you dear boy." "Let me by, please." "No, no, Sally." "I tell you, I was just standing there when she kind of, well, impulsively..." "I know." "She grabbed you when you weren't looking." "Good heavens, Sally!" "And you got that stranglehold on her in self-defense." "Oh, I loved it when you said, "I hope you find something nice in your stocking. "" "In her stocking." "You grammar-school wolf." "Wolf?" "Me?" "Look, Sally, you know, I..." "And not 10 minutes after you were pretending to be Santa Claus." "Your poor little children!" "But, Sally, it's Christmas!" "Christmas in the harem!" "What's happened, Jeff?" "Will you please put this in the garbage, Emma?" "Oh, Sally, good grief." "Garbage?" "Oh..." "Sally!" "Oh, come on, kids." "Cool down and have a drink." "That's what I always say." "Sally!" "Christmas parade." "Christmas parade." "Goody, goody." "Sally, where are you going?" "Anywhere to get away from you!" "Is Mama mad?" "Is Mama mad at Papa?" "Oh, look, Sally, you can't do this to me." "Let me in." "No, no, no, I'm through." "Do you hear me?" "This is the last straw!" "But, Sally..." "No." "Going around kissing everybody you meet when you can't even ride a horse." "But, Sally, listen..." "No." "Even our presents go wrong." "Letting me be a laughingstock in front of all those women when you knew the desk was a fake." "Well, Sally, they didn't laugh as loud at the desk as Lance laughed at Albert." "Oh, Sally, look, we're just fighting about nothing." "Sal?" "Sal?" "Go away." "Sal." "You know what I'd planned, Sal?" "I thought we'd go to this convention and then go on from there to New York." "We'll have a time." "Take a trip." "No, I'd rather be shot." "You see, Sally, that's..." "Well, that's our trouble." "We need to get away together, just us, on a kind of a spree." "Oh, Sally." "Like we used to, honey." "Well..." "What's the matter?" ""And so it seems completely clear that Lee... "" ""And so it seems completely clear that... "" "Will you stop looking so lovely?" "I cannot remember my speech, read my own handwriting or anything." "Oh, yes." ""That Lee remained unaffected" ""by the personalities of those surrounding him." ""Pause for applause. "" "You'd better scratch that out, Jeff, or you'll say it." "Oh, that won't bother me, darling." "Listen, the moment I get this speech over with, our trip really begins, doesn't it?" "Get back on the platform, Jeff." "Oh, yes." "Beauregard. "As Beauregard said, for instance," ""before the First Battle of Manassas... "" "Well, why can't we start now?" "What are we waiting for?" "Room service, please." ""As Beauregard said before the First Battle of Manassas... "" "Send up a bottle of champagne to Room 306, please." "Yes." "And this, in the final analysis, is the imperishable glory of Robert E. Lee." "Oh, Mr. Warren, you've thrilled me so." "I could give you a great big kiss." "I wish I could, too." "Please." "I'm afraid we girls are embarrassing dear Mr. Warren." "But I'm sure that he won't mind one small, official kiss on behalf of all the ladies of the MDD." "Will you, Mr. Warren?" "Well, I..." "And one on behalf of the girls of the Junior Auxiliary." "But, good heavens, Sally, what was I supposed to do in front of all those women?" "Spit in her eye?" "Certainly." "Oh, but good heavens, honey." "I've been trying to tell you that it wasn't she kissing me, it was the Junior Auxiliary." "Oh?" "Well, I mean, they told her to." "I mean..." "Well, it wasn't official." "Well, it was kind of official." "She's the president of the thing." "It was her sort of duty." "Her duty to sit in the front row with her legs crossed?" "Oh, Sal, I didn't even notice her legs." "Not that it interests me if you want to leer in front of 1,000 people." "Leer?" "Me?" "Exactly." "Exactly like they do with somebody on the witness stand, as I've no doubt she should be." "Practically drooling." "Now, look here, Sally Warren, that is the most..." "I find myself becoming very unfond of you, Mr. Warren." "Very, very unfond." "But I haven't done anything!" "I was only..." "Good gosh, if you still feel this way about it, what did you come on the trip for?" "Oh, look here, Sally," "I thought we were going to have a sort of a second honeymoon." "Second honeymoon." "Sure." "What do you think I got the champagne and roses for?" "Fun?" "Oh, Sally." "Look, let's..." "Let's open up the bottle of pop." "I suppose she has beautiful legs." "Mmm." "Beautiful." "Beautiful." "Hmm?" "She?" "She, who?" "Mary Lou, of course." "Oh, look, haven't I been trying to tell you that I don't even know if the woman has got legs?" "Woman?" "You..." "You said you thought of her as a little girl." "No, no, no, darling." "Look, I said I didn't think of her at all." "Big or little, girl or no girl, legs or no legs." "Darling..." "I suppose it's what I should expect." "Artistic temperament, off with the old and on with the new." "Jeff." "Mmm?" "We haven't made up yet." "I have." "I never unmade, Sally." "And you'll never..." "Never." "Never." "...let anybody..." "Nobody." "...or anything..." "Nothing." "Nothing." "Nobody." "Ever." "Darling." "Oh, those people." "It's after 12:00." "I thought they'd finally gone to bed." "Oh, Jeff." "Hmm?" "Jeff, I can't kiss you with sound effects." "They can't do this." "Phone the manager, darling." "Oh." "Now..." "No, Jeff, no." "The manager." "Manager?" "No, I want the manager." "Well, look, I called for the..." "He is?" "Oh." "Oh." "Oh." "He's asleep." "Oh, Jeff, that awful noise." "You'll have to..." "Jeff, you simply have to stop it." "Oh, no, Sally." "Oh, no, darling, not that." "The noise, Jeff." "Hmm?" "Well, it's stopped, Sally." "Pound on the wall, darling." "I fixed 'em." "Yes, you fixed them." "Well, I will." "If the manager won't do anything about it, I will." "Oh, no, darling!" "Don't go in there and start a fight." "You don't know how many there are." "I don't care how many there are." "And I don't care how big." "Well, if they're not decent about it, you just throw them out." "Sounded like King Kong, didn't it?" "Well, it's the neighbors dropping in." "Come in." "Come in." "No, I'm sorry, but what I came for..." "Is a drink." "Say, aren't you the fellow who made the speech tonight?" "Well, after an ordeal like that, you must need a drink." "Come on." "I don't want a drink." "What?" "Don't want a drink?" "What's that got to do with it?" "I didn't want to listen to your speech, either." "Yeah, but you..." "Join the party." "Join the party." "But why I'm here..." "Hey, folks, here's the fellow that talked our ears off." "But he's not going to make a speech now." "He's going to have a drink." "Why, Jeff, what a nice surprise." "Well, hello." "Jeff, this is my brother George Medford." "George, this is Jefferson Warren." "Glad to know you." "Glad to know you." "How do you do?" "Carolyn, come meet one of my favorite people." "Hello." "Oh, hello, how are you?" "I'm fine." "Mary Lou, aren't you going to introduce me?" "Here's your bourbon." "Oh, thank you very much." "This is Mr. Warren's room who complained, sir." "And there is the party." "Well..." "I'm very sorry, but it's after 12:00." "And I've heard complaints about the noise." "Really." "In fact, a very distinguished guest..." "Well..." "Good night." "Had a swell time." "Good night." "Good night." "Thanks again." "Thanks." "Good night, old fellow." "See you again." "Good night." "Yes." "Well..." "Jeff." "Christmas is over and there doesn't seem to be any mistletoe, but, well, isn't saying good night a good excuse?" "Yes, well, I..." "But, Mary Lou, look, please, you..." "Sally!" "Sally!" "Sally!" "Sally!" "Open up the door, Sally." "Look, Sally, you don't understand." "Open up the door." "Sally." "Sally." "Mrs. Warren, I find there are limits to human endurance." "Amours, Judge." "I just wanted to state that his amours..." "Mrs. Warren!" "I know, I'm sorry." "I won't say another word until it's my turn again, except to say that it was his amours that..." "Will counsel proceed?" "As I..." "As I have attempted to make plain, Your Honor, my client is not contesting this divorce." "He's simply protesting, most strongly, the charge that Mrs. Warren has been subjected to cruel and unusual treatment." "We don't believe that either of these charges can be substantiated by any fact." "Mrs. Warren, will you take the stand, please?" "Oh, I can hardly wait." "Judge, how would you like to be forced to live under the same roof with a dead horse?" "A what?" "A dead horse." "Wouldn't you call that cruel and unusual?" "And as for his amours, I guess being trapped in his pajamas and a loose dressing gown..." "Just a moment, Mrs. Warren." "Did I understand you to say a..." "A dead horse, yes, that one of his women gave him." "Doesn't that prove it?" "Because I certainly can't imagine keeping a dead horse around from somebody you weren't having amours with." "Your Honor, I object!" "I don't see why he should object." "I'm the one..." "In all my 30 years on the bench, I..." "Mrs. Warren." "I know, I'm sorry." "This court is adjourned until 2:00, at which time we will resume." "Unless in the meantime they have come to take me away." "At that time I..." "In the name of the great State of Virginia, which one is that?" "That is our Exhibit A, Your Honor." "To prove how cruel it was." "Divorce granted!" "You stay with Grandmother." "Mother won't be long." "She just has someone to settle." "Will you sit here, please, Mrs. Warren?" "Not Mrs. Warren anymore, please." "The children and I are taking my maiden name." "Oh, I knew you'd gone crazy." "That's..." "Mrs. Warren is joking, of course." "There wouldn't be any legal way in which she could..." "There would, too." "I can become Miss Apley again and adopt them." "I guess I can adopt my own children." "Mrs. Warren, now, please." "Now, I suggested this informal meeting because I felt it was essential that we reach some points of agreement before court convenes." "For instance, have you decided who is going to have the house?" "Certainly." "He is." "I am not." "That's absurd." "The house was yours when I married you." "It wasn't anybody's till you paid off the mortgage." "Well, when I did, I put it in your name." "Oh, no, you didn't." "You put it in the name of Mrs. Warren." "I'm Sally Apley, thank heavens." "Besides, I'm moving into Lance's house." "You're what?" "If you think I'm going to have my wife..." "Widow, Mr. Warren." "Lance's house, where I can look after my farm." "You may tell the gentleman that Lance is going away for six months." "It may relieve his particularly nasty mind." "And I don't want any alimony." "You're going to get some whether you..." "Well, I am not." "Please." "We're are afraid that the judge is going to consider this very unusual again." "You see, people are usually fighting to keep things instead of..." "All I'm taking is the horses, except Albert, which of course goes to Mr. Warren." "He does not go to me." "He's yours." "I gave him to you." "And now I give him back." "You can all be witnesses." "Besides, he'll keep you from missing the children." "You what?" "Of course, Mrs. Warren, the custody of the children is something we must discuss." "Oh, I've already discussed it." "Last night." "With Mother." "I'm to have them, except when I want him to have them." "But..." "I..." "I..." "But, Mrs. Warren, there has to be some regular arrangement." "There might be times when it would be inconvenient for Mr. Warren to..." "I know." "Those are the very times I'm thinking of." "No, no." "The judge is never going to permit it." "And has it occurred to you that the judge might ask the children themselves as to any preference?" "You ask them." "They're right in the other office." "You'll see." "And you'll see." "Oh, Miss Eagan, will you please send in the Warren children?" "And I think it would be much fairer to omit any persuasion." "Good morning, Mrs. Apley." "Now, listen, children." "You see, your mama and your papa..." "Well, they aren't going to live in the same house anymore." "Now, who do you children want to live with?" "Uncle Todd." "Uncle Todd." "Oh, where in the..." "Double distilled..." "Hey!" "Hey, you're getting the range." "Just clipped the elbow that time." "What are you looking for?" "My shoe." "My shoe." "My other shoe." "Put on another pair." "I don't want to put on another pair." "I've got half of this pair on already." "I haven't been able to find anything in this house for a week." "Took all of her own things and hid all of mine." "On purpose." "Uh-oh, here come three more." "Three more." "Two blondes and one that doesn't make any difference." "That makes 19, you know." "Quite a field day, boy." "Nineteen!" "I advertised for one lone competent secretary." "Say, I wonder if I couldn't be of some slight assistance." "Maybe, you know, conduct a small preliminary examination to sort of weed out the culls, as it were, huh?" "Uncle, I'm not hiring a chorus line." "No, no, no." "Certainly not." "But, I mean, I might be able to eliminate somebody who's not in..." "Physically in good shape, shall we say?" "21, 22, 23, 24." "And out the back way." "Look, Uncle Todd, I can't talk to these women now." "Now, tell them I've gone to New York with scarlet fever." "You advertised." "Well, get their telephones, get their names, anything, do anything." "Good morning." "They's all in there, miss." "Has Mr. Warren interviewed anyone yet?" "No, ma'am, not yet." "Mr. Warren just ran out the back door." "Hmm." "Thank you." "You may put these away, please." "I'm Miss Medford." "Good morning." "I'm awfully sorry to have kept you waiting." "I'm sure Mr. Warren will regret not having been able to interview you himself." "But if you'll state your qualifications and address your letters to me, Miss Medford, in care of Mr. Warren, you'll hear from us." "Do you think Jeff will let me stay?" "Well, I can speak only for myself, my dear." "Jeff is a very strange character, you know, in a way." "I really am an awfully good secretary." "And I did save him from all those women." "Yes, if you care for that sort of thing." "I think I'll wait right here until he comes." "Why don't we do just that?" "Now, you just make yourself comfortable here." "Another one to save him from." "I'm awfully sorry, but the position has already been filled." "Really?" "How enterprising of you." "Mattie, I think you'll find those boots of mine in the hall closet." "Yes, ma'am." "I meant, of course, the position of Mr. Warren's secretary." "Why, of course." "How very convenient that will be for you both." "I'm sure you don't mean to be insinuating, Mrs. Warren." "Miss Apley, please." "Of course not." "Thank you, Mattie." "Is Joe at the stables?" "I think so, Miss Sally." "Oh, I..." "I hope this hasn't been a trouble to you, but there are so many of my discarded things around the house." "Oh, of course not." "I do hope you'll come over often now that we're to be neighbors." "Why, how nice of you." "I'll be sure to, particularly as we have so much in common." "In common?" "Yes." "Your future and my past." "Oh." "You know, Mr. Jeff, it gets mighty lonesome around here without no horses." "Mmm-hmm." "And without any children." "Mmm-hmm." "And without any..." "Joe!" "Now, that will do." "Yes, sir." "There you is." "You look good now." "Miss Sally want you, and you going to be ready." "Joe, why didn't you go with the rest of them, the horses and the children and everything you're so lonesome for?" "'Cause Mr. Lance don't like me, Mr. Jeff." "And it breaks my heart not to be able to help train" "Lady Julia for the Cup Race." "Best chance Clear Valley Stables ever had." "Breaks Miss Sally's heart if she don't win." "She's been trying ever since she was a little girl." "And her pappy before her." "Yes, sir." "All for another piece of silver, huh?" "Yes, sir." "You see that?" "There he is." "Clear Valley horse in the first Cup Race 45 years ago." "Stamper." "Yes, sir." "Oh, Joe, all horses look alike to me." "Even Albert, the only horse I ever bought." "I wouldn't recognize him if he stepped on my foot." "Yes, sir, but he recognize you, Mr. Jeff." "That horse is purely infatuated." "Hear that?" "Infatuated." "Why, Tom, he tells me that Albert horse he don't eat, he don't sleep, he just stand around looking frail and lonesome." "You sure ought to keep him here, Mr. Jeff." "Oh, no, Joe." "Horses are one thing I don't miss." "Besides, you've got Black Prince in there." "Mr. Jeff, I just don't believe in stuffing' horses." "When a horse is dead, he ought to go on about his business and be dead." "Now, there's somethin' about a stuffed horse." "Now, you stuff a bird, you got a stuffed bird." "But a stuffed horse, Mr. Jeff, that's just too much stuffing'." "I don't like him either, Joe." "It ain't exactly like and it ain't exactly I don't like him." "But that Black Prince horse seems to get bigger and bigger the more he stands around." "Now, in the daytime, he's normal size, but in the evenin', he seems to start growin'." "I walked in here last night and there he was, standin' in his stall, lookin' right at me with them biggity glass eyes." "Joe?" "Are you there, Joe?" "Yes, Miss Sally." "Have you got my old hunting saddle?" "Yes, ma'am." "Come in." "I'll seek and I find it." "Sally." "Hello, Jeff." "Joe!" "Sally, wait a minute." "What for, Jeff?" "Well, I don't know what for..." "Just because something happened..." "Because you thought something happened and..." "Well, this happened." "Well, it's no reason why we can't be civilized and talk, is it?" "No, of course not." "What shall we talk about?" "Mother?" "Well, Mother is blooming these days." "She..." "Sally, I'm not interested in your mother." "You're not interested in Mother?" "Oh, she'll be so hurt." "Well, I mean, I..." "Well, the children!" "Jeff, the children are simply unfolding day by day." "They..." "Nor the children, Sally." "You're not interested in the children, either?" "Well, uh..." "Your very own children?" "It isn't..." "Oh, Jeff, you can't mean that." "You know what I mean, Sally." "I, uh..." "You haven't given me a chance to talk about..." "To talk about your book?" "Of course." "How is the book coming, Jeff?" "You know, I always thought your love scenes were the least realistic, but now they ought to be actually ardent with Mary Lou collaborating." "Don't you just love that word "collaborating"?" "With whom?" "Collaborating?" "Oh, I think it's a splendid idea." "Uh, Joe..." "Sally, look." "Now, I haven't seen that girl since..." "Well, since." "And I don't want to see her." "And I'm never going to see her again ever, and..." "Jeff?" "Where are you, Jeff?" "Here he is, Miss Medford." "So nice to have seen you both." "Mmm-hmm." "Hello, Jeff." "What are you doing here?" "Why, you advertised for a secretary, Jeff." "Yes, I know." "There are 25 women down there waiting for the job." "Not anymore, Jeff." "I got rid of them." "You what?" "I got rid of them." "And now you're wondering who's going to get rid of me, aren't you?" "Oh, Jeff, you're so funny." "Yes." "I'm hilarious." "You wanted a secretary and I am a good one, honestly." "And I'd love to work with you because I love your books." "And besides..." "Yes, I know, it's the "besides" part that worries me." "Oh!" "You don't even know what I was going to say." "Well, you..." "I..." "I was going to say besides, I can be as quiet as a little mouse." "Really." "And I'd manage so that no one ever disturbed you." "And I'd not do one single thing to distract you, unless you wanted to be distracted." "I mean, there are times..." "I just want to finish a book, that's all." "No, no, this wouldn't work out, Mary Lou." "I'm awfully sorry." "It just wouldn't work." "Of course, Jeff, if you don't want me, and of course if Sally doesn't approve..." "What's Sally got to do with it?" "You wouldn't think she'd have anything, but, well..." "But, well, what?" "Well, when I met her a little while ago, she..." "She seemed so sure you were still so blindly in love with her." "Is that so?" "Is that so?" "Blindly in..." "You're hired." "Phone the stables, Florence." "Perhaps the children are there." "Yes, ma'am." "Excuse me." "How do you do, Florence?" "Oh, disposing of the children, dear?" "Sending them to their father for a few days, the poor, lonesome man." "Oh!" "And isn't this concern rather sudden?" "I thought it was another month before Jeff had them." "The judge said..." "Oh, the judge!" "Have you seen them, Mother?" "They were in the south pasture as I drove by a little while ago, falling off a colt." "Sally, have you seen Jeff?" "What's happened?" "Happened?" "Nothing." "Nothing." "Yes, happened." "Give, my pet." "I haven't any idea what you..." "Oh, Mary Lou Medford." "Oh, hurrying to move right in?" "Prompt little number, isn't she?" "I wonder, dear, why you should care who moves in as long as you've moved out." "Or, have you, quite?" "Quite." "Perfectly quite." "Women could move in by the hundreds and hundreds and it would be a matter of complete indifference to me." "Then why?" "My children." "I am thinking only of my children." "Do you suppose I want them to grow up knowing their father made a complete idiot of himself?" "I see." "And you do think the patter of little feet about his house will keep him from..." "I see." "All for the children's sake, huh?" "Certainly." "Oh, Mother, I can't stand you when you try to act psychic." "Give it to me!" "It's mine!" "It's mine!" "No, it isn't!" "Children, please." "Mommy, make him give me my darling baby rattlesnake." "He isn't yours." "He doesn't even like you." "He doesn't like girls." "He does, too." "He loves me." "He's a girl rattlesnake himself." "Isn't he, Grandmother?" "Very likely, dear." "Mommy, are we going someplace?" "Yes, dear, to visit your father." "Goody, goody." "Here, take your old garter snake." "He stinks." "You can have him, Grandmother." "Thank you, dear." "When are we going, Mother?" "Now?" "Now?" "Now?" "Now?" "If you're very good and listen to Mother." "Now, dears, your father doesn't know you're coming, so..." "A surprise?" "Hot dog!" "We love surprises!" "So will your father, dears." "Isn't your mother cute to think of it?" "Remember, your father has missed you." "And his feelings would be hurt if you ran away to play outside all the time." "So..." "Romping in the halls will cheer your father as he writes his bookie-wookie, Mother means." "Johnnie, Carol." "Mmm-hmm." "Yes, Mother." "Uh..." "There is a pretty lady helping your father." "And your mother wants you to be very, very nice to her." "Perhaps she knows some nice new games you all can play." "Yes, Mother." "Here you are, dears." "George will drive you over." "Kiss Mama goodbye." "Oh, yes, Father will want to know all the news." "Tell him we're all fine, and that Uncle Lance is coming home." "Remember, Uncle Lance is coming home." "What?" "Lance?" "I wired him a little while ago." "The farm needs him." "He can live in the guesthouse." "Goodbye, Mother." "Goodbye, Mother." "Goodbye, Grandmother." "Goodbye, Grandmother." "Have a good time." "And remember to tell us all about it when you come home." "We will." "Mother, are you implying I'd make spies of my own children?" "Don't be dramatic, dear." "Of course, it would never occur to you that little pitchers have big ears." "Oh, children!" "You forgot your gunsie-wunsies." "Can we have them?" "Of course you can have them." "But if you shoot them in the house, be so careful." "Your mother would scold you if you shot the pretty-witty lady." "Um..." "Mmm, uh..." "Uh..." "Period." "Period." "New chapter." "Richmond in the spring of '63 was a..." "Richmond was..." "Please." "Richmond in the spring of '63 was..." "Mattie?" "Mattie?" "Yes, sir, Mr. Jeff." "Mattie?" "What the dickens are the children..." "Good grief, that sounds like a goat." "Yes, sir, Mr. Jeff." "It sure do." "Well, what in the name of..." "Oh!" "It's not funny." "Mattie!" "Mattie, get that thing out of here!" "Get that goat out!" "Get him out of here." "No!" "Well, now, you two run away and play, back of the stable or even farther, dear." "Daddy has to go in the house and think of pretty, pretty words." "But we have to play in the house, Father." "Mother told us to." "She said you'd be lonesome." "She would." "I thought so." "Yes, you've played in the house now for three long, long days, and Mother wants you to get some nice, fresh, quiet air." "Now, run along." "That's it." "Little darlings." "Those kids should have been spanked and they knew it." "If they were mine..." "Well, I want them to have some fun when they come to visit their father." "After all, it was very nice of Sally to send them before time." "Nice?" "Men completely defeat me." "Well, now, you don't think that Sally told them to bring a goat into the house, do you?" "Yes." "Where the..." "Uh..." "Where were we?" "In Richmond, in the spring of '63." "Oh, yes, Richmond." "Better change that to the fall of '64 or we'll never get through." "Read the last page over to me again, will you, Miss Medford?" "Certainly, Mr. Warren." "Good heavens, I didn't write anything amusing, did I?" "Oh, Jeff, this is so silly." "Miss Medford." "Mr. Warren." "Excuse me." "Well, during working hours..." "And after working hours, you chase me home." "Jeff, I think I ought to be here all the time." "I think people ought to live a book." "Yeah, well, not this kind of book." "Now, let's see." "Where were we?" "Richmond." "Richmond in the spring of..." "I've always heard that writers got some of their most beautiful ideas when they weren't working." "Miss Medford, if you don't mind, we're attempting to..." "Jeff?" "Don't you ever get any beautiful ideas when you're not working?" "Um..." "Don't you, Jeff?" "No." "Yeah." "No." "Oh, Jeff!" "No!" "When I'm not working, I get ideas about Richmond." "Richmond in the spring of '63." "Richmond all day, Richmond all night." "This whole place is a madhouse!" "Children, servants, goats, the coffee isn't fit to drink, my best pipe's been stolen, I'm all out of razor blades, my fountain pen leaks, and for the fifth consecutive night, we've had tapioca pudding!" "It's that woman!" "I could..." "I could..." "You could what?" "I'd give $10,000 if I weren't well bred." "And I wouldn't be either if you'd..." "If you'd give me half a chance, you dope." "Dope?" "Look." "Oh, Mary Lou, we've got to talk this thing over sensibly." "Don't you see?" "Don't you see, Jeff?" "She's done everything." "She's fixed everything so you can't forget her for a single minute." "The children and the servants and..." "Oh, Jeff." "Now, hold it." "Mary Lou..." "Yeah." "Take..." "Mary Lou..." "Jeff." "Jeff." "Look at me." "I'm looking." "I'm looking." "Jeff!" "Mary Lou!" "She sent that thing!" "Mr. Jeff!" "Mr. Jeff!" "I'm shot!" "Well, don't just stand there." "Come all the way in and have some tapioca pudding!" "Now, how did this horse get here?" "Oh, Mr. Jeff, he flew, that's how." "He flew on the wings of his infatuation." "I don't know what he come out of or how he got in, but he come across that field, wow, like Man O' War grew feathers." "Look at him." "I don't want to look at him, Joe." "But listen, Mr. Jeff, I seen that horse over the brook." "Whoom!" "Over the high hedges." "Whoom." "Wham." "Zoom." "Over the paddock fence." "Zoot." "Zoot." "Mr. Jeff, this horse is a leaper-deaper." "Well, then have him leap back to Mr. Gale's place." "But listen, Mr. Jeff, I'm shaking." "You don't know what I got up here." "I got a stopwatch." "How would you like to win the Cup yourself?" "Oh, no!" "Good heavens, Joe, you're crazy!" "But listen, Mr. Jeff, one of us is crazy." "Now, that'll do, Joe." "Take him back where he came from." "But listen, Mr. Jeff, I ain't you, but if I was you," "I'd be ashamed of myself breaking this poor little horse's heart like that." "Look at him, he's almost crying." "Look at that." "Why don't you go over and stroke him a little bit?" "Well, I..." "I didn't mean to..." "Look at him." "He's about to have a psychopathic relapse." "Say, what are you trying to do to me, boy?" "You know I don't like these things." "Now take him away!" "Take him away?" "See?" "They must have saw him, too." "There he is." "Joe, did you see him?" "Old Albert!" "Who could have dreamed it?" "Yes, ma'am, there he was and here he is." "Well, that doesn't prove anything except the animal's crazy, kicking his way out of the stable like that." "He did?" "You see, Mr. Jeff, when Albert makes up his mind to visit you, he visit you." "Hello, old boy, you seem to have a fatal fascination for that horse." "When did you get back?" "Soon as I got Sal's wire." "Do you mind?" "Now, now, we came to see a man about a horse." "Saddle him up, Joe." "I'll see if he can jump." "Yes, sir." "But, Lance, if you think he is wild..." "Oh, what's the difference, Sal?" "He's got four legs, hasn't he?" "So, I think I ought to be able to ride him." "That is unless Jeff would like to have a go." "After all, he seems to be his pet." "No, thanks." "But if you've got some other sort of exercise..." "Gentlemen!" "One would think you didn't like each other." "Albert, that's the man who's goin' to sit on you." "And if I was a horse and a man put whiskers on me," "I'd rear up and throw him clean out of the State of Virginia, hear?" "Mother!" "Mother!" "Mother!" "Mother!" "Hello, darlings!" "Are you having a good time with your father and the pretty lady?" "We don't like her." "She told Father we were getting in her hair." "Here he comes, Albert." "He's going to get right up and sit on you." "I wouldn't let that man sit on me." "Oh, whoa, whoa." "Whoa!" "Now what's the matter?" "Can't you handle him?" "Oh, well, he's a little difficult." "Whoa, whoa." "Hold still, you hammer-headed animal!" "Mommy, make Uncle Lance do it again!" "Off again, on again, eh, old boy?" "Get me some spurs and a crop." "Quick." "Goody, goody!" "He is, he is!" "That animal's crazy, Sal." "Well, then, why do you..." "I'm going to ride some sense into him." "Nice going, Albert." "I said spurs and a crop." "Now go and get them." "Wait a minute, Joe." "Never mind." "Just what do you mean by that?" "I mean, you're not going to do what you intend to do to that horse." "I'm going to master that horse and if you haven't got the stomach for it," "I'll do it at my place." "No, you won't do it anyplace." "The horse stays here." "The horse belongs to Sally." "No, the horse belongs to me." "Sally?" "I guess he's right, Lance." "I gave him back before witnesses." "Well, then, you're a fool to keep him." "Jumper, racer." "The horse is a killer." "Killer?" "Look." "Jeff." "Oh, Jeff." "Yes, good morning." "In here." "Oh, still at breakfast?" "No, I've just finished, thank you." "Oh, don't get up." "I just stopped for the mail." "Here's a fat one from your publishers." "Publishers?" "Well, take care of it." "What do you think I've got a secretary for?" "Jeff, it's the complete itinerary." "And they've put the date ahead starting at Raleigh, April 25th." "April 25th?" "In two weeks?" "Oh, who got me into this lecture tour?" "Look, just write those birds and say I won't, that's all." "Jeff, you can't do that." "Why can't I?" "Well, your publishers feel it's most important." "And your public..." "Ah, my public." "Besides, the arrangements are all completed." "Well, who completed them?" "I didn't." "Did you?" "I only tried to be a good secretary." "After all, somebody had to work out the timetable and make our reservations..." "Our reservations?" "Well, you certainly couldn't handle all the details alone." "Besides, we're not working on the book and..." "And you might show you wanted me to go." "A little bit." "Jeff." "Hmm?" "This isn't business hours and it is spring." "I thought you was finished, Mr. Jeff." "Hello, Mattie." "Yes, I am." "Come on in the study, Jeff." "Well, I was just going for a walk." "I thought before we started to work..." "Walk?" "Uh..." "Well, I..." "A little..." "A little ride then, maybe, huh?" "Again?" "And you were the one man in Virginia who had courage enough to say he hated horses." "Oh, I do." "I do." "It's just that I..." "I know." "It's just that Albert..." "Albert grieves if you don't ride him." "It's just that Albert won't train for the Cup Race unless you give him his sugar." "Oh, that's silly." "That's just Joe's wild idea." "Oh, good heavens, don't you suppose I see who's behind this whole thing?" "Behind what?" "Behind horses, horses, horses!" "Horses?" "I..." ""The detective poured out another half-tumbler of..." "Lemonade." ""It was his fifth." "He felt better." ""As he tossed it off, there was the sound of a voice." ""'Lift 'em, Barlow. '" ""Barlow knew the voice." ""He shrugged, turned, looked coolly at Mouse Moray." ""The Mouse's eyes were cold under his snap-brimmed hat." ""The Police Positive steady in the Mouse's big hand. "" "Is he going to shoot him, Grandmother?" "I trust so, dear." "Don't interrupt now." ""Barlow's lip curled." ""He said, 'Don't miss, Mouse. "'" "Mother!" "Children!" "Oh, there you are!" "Rally round, men." "Ready?" "Heave ho!" "Heave ho!" "Heave ho!" "Why will you wear such tight ones, dear?" "Vanity, darling." "Strictly inherited." "This is a tough one." "Come on." "Ready?" "Heave ho." "Heave..." "Oh, lend a hand, Mother." "Ready?" "Heave ho, heave ho, heave..." "Oh!" "Yay!" "Team!" "Team!" "Team!" "Run along, kids." "Your lunch is ready." "Go on." "Oh!" "Good workout?" "Oh, grand!" "I paced Lance and Lady Julia over the schooling course." "She's reaching top form." "You'd better get the family jewels down, Mother." "Lance thinks this is our year." "He's riding great guns." "The Cup." "You'd give a lot for it, wouldn't you, Sally?" "Oh, just about anything." "Even yourself?" "To the man who won it for you?" "Marry Lance?" "I don't know." "He's wanted to marry me ever since we were kids." "He's our sort." "He's..." "Well, he's Lance." "You haven't mentioned love." "I tried love, Mother." "I know." "But how hard, Sally?" "How hard?" "Yes." "How hard did either of you try?" "Did you work at it?" "Like you've worked to win a Cup?" "Or did Jeff?" "As hard as he worked to make himself a successful author?" "Or did you just..." "Oh, stop it, Mother." "Did you know Jeff had taken up riding finally?" "Riding?" "We saw him today, Mother, the silliest sight, on Albert, actually going over a little fence not so high, with both arms around the creature's neck." "He hadn't seen us in the road till Lance laughed." "And when Lance said, "Hang on, old chap,"" "Jeff..." "He is ridiculous, Mother." "Well, anyhow, Jeff stopped Albert, turned and said," ""I'm not hanging on, I'm fond of him,"" "and rode off with the utmost dignity." "Lance, of course, was furious." "Jeff does seem to have the faculty." "Poor Lance." "Sally." "Yeah?" "Did you know Jeff was going on a six-weeks lecture tour?" "Oh, no." "His publishers could never persuade him to." "Perhaps Mary Lou Medford has more influence." "Anyway, they are going." "Or aren't you interested?" "Why should I be interested?" "You..." "You said "they. "" "So she has announced, as smugly as possible, for your benefit, I believe." "My benefit?" "How could she possibly think it would concern me where he goes or who he goes with..." "When, Mother?" "The 25th, so she told Todd." "Oh, well, what a coincidence, because on the 24th," "I'll be leaving for the race with Lance." "And the children, dear?" "Will stay with you, of course." "Oh, no." "If I'm going to hock the family gems, I'm going to the race myself." "Well, Uncle Todd, then." "They've been dying to, anyhow." "Todd, you should have married and had some yourself." "Well, do you think it's too late?" "Or do you?" "Why, Todd, is this a proposal or a pass?" "Just a slight reconnaissance." "Spinach, Uncle Todd." "Spinach?" "What do you mean?" "Can we have some, Uncle Todd?" "Spinach?" "To eat?" "Good heavens, no." "Not in my house." "You're not leaving tomorrow with Sally, are you?" "Not till race day." "I hate to see her go and Jeff go in the opposite direction." "Right up till now, I've kept on hoping." "So have I, but he's too stubborn." "And she's too proud." "But I thought that eventually certain ties might bring them together again." "Todd, I've almost hoped that something might happen." "Nothing serious, of course, but mildly alarming." "They're so irritatingly healthy." "Manners, children." "Here!" "Even their stomachs never get upset." "May I have some more meat, please, Uncle Todd?" "And potatoes and gravy and jam and..." "You've had enough, children, I think." "Your Uncle Todd wouldn't want you to get sick, you know." "Of course you wouldn't, would you, Todd?" "Hmm?" "Oh, no, no, no." "Of course not." "They are as strong as horses, aren't they?" "Oh, most certainly." "Did anything ever happen to you when you did at picnics and circuses and things?" "You're sure you're still hungry?" "Mmm-hmm." "Mmm-hmm." "Of course you are." "Well, now, Grace..." "Oh, good heavens, Todd." "It's something I've insisted they be allowed to do every Christmas and birthday for years." "George." "And some more jam, George." "And aren't there any pickles?" "Yes, ma'am." "Children, let's play a little game." "The one who finishes first gets the biggest piece of pie with syrup on it." "Goody, goody, a game!" "I like games!" "May we be excused?" "Where are you going, children?" "To throw up." "Where are they?" "They upstairs in the south bedroom, Miss Sally." "Is the doctor here yet?" "Not yet, ma'am." "Where are they?" "What was it?" "Did they call a doctor?" "What happened?" "They upstairs, Mr. Jeff." "But what is it?" "What makes them look so green?" "I wish somebody would tell me something." "Why doesn't Sally come out and tell me something?" "Don't get in such a state, Jeff." "It's just some childish thing, I suppose." "Oh, why doesn't the doctor come?" "Why doesn't Sally come out?" "She's trying to get them to sleep." "Say, you don't think it could be anything, do you?" "I mean, you know, be anything?" "Oh, of course not." "Oh, you'd say that anyway." "Now don't be such an alarmist, Jeff." "It's probably nothing at all, I guess." "It would be perfectly safe, most likely, for you to leave tomorrow, I think." "Leave?" "Leave?" "Yes, but we can wire you..." "Good heavens!" "Do you think I'd leave here with the children like this?" "Of course not." "Oh, why doesn't Sally come out?" "Why doesn't the doctor come?" "When will he get here?" "Well, I'm going to go for..." "I'm going to go for him myself." "Where's Jeff?" "Gone for the doctor in a terrible state." "Sally, do you think there's anything serious?" "No, and neither do you." "What?" "There's not a thing wrong with those children, except you and Todd allowed them to cram themselves full or encouraged them." "Why, Sally!" "How could you?" "Oh, don't be dramatic, darling." "I'm their mother, you know, and you're mine." "Was Jeff really scared?" "Of course." "Called off his trip at once." "Said he wouldn't dream of going." "Unless, you want me to assure him that everything is all right." "It would be a shame to disappoint Mary Lou." "Mmm." "And of course it might be something, Sally." "Uh-huh." "Even the doctor won't be able to tell at once." "I don't see how you could think of going away now, either." "After all, a mother..." "Yes, I know all about mothers." "I have one myself." "But, Mary Lou, I couldn't leave." "After all, well, they're my own children." "And hers." "I just can't believe you've canceled the tour that I'd so looked forward to." "Well, I couldn't do anything else with the children..." "Children!" "It's just a little too much of a coincidence for me to swallow." "So sudden and so serious and so the night before we were leaving." "But, Mary Lou, you didn't see them." "After all, they were actually green." "She probably had them tinted." "If you're going to fall for this, I'm through!" "But..." "Through!" "Through?" "You..." "You mean you're not going to be my secretary anymore?" "You're not even going to help finish the book?" "Secretary?" "Book?" "Do you think I've stayed on and on to help you finish a book?" "Well, then, good heavens, Mary Lou, why else?" "Because I thought you were human." "Because I thought you'd finally get out from under that woman's thumb, you..." "You..." "You poor worm!" "Now, Mary Lou, wait a minute." "Look, Mary Lou." "Listen." "Listen." "I..." "Joe." "Joe." "What the..." "What is that?" "This is the entire mortal remains of Black Prince." "All except one hind leg and them wheels." "Well, what happened?" "Albert climbed into his stall and kicked the stuffings out of him and eat him." "He ate him?" "Yes, sir." "Well, wouldn't it make him sick?" "Him?" "Albert?" "That horse is still hungry." "He the eatinest horse and the runningest horse and the jumpingest horse." "Are you starting that again, Joe?" "Yes, sir." "He's fit and ready for the Cup now." "There ain't anything else can beat Lady Julia, either." "If Albert don't run, Mr. Lance is going to win." "Well, let him win." "Oh, let him win the Cup." "Let him win everything." "Now, that'll do, Joe." "That's what it means." "They left this morning." "Lady Julia, Mr. Lance and Miss Sally." "Well, Joe, we..." "We haven't any rider anyway." "Oh, yes, we have." "I wrote Mr. Haynes all about Albert, just hoping." "And Mr. Haynes is the best in Virginia." "And he say if we bring Albert up there, he'll try him out a day or two before." "Oh, please, Mr. Jeff." "Eh, well..." "We goin'!" "We goin'!" "Race Cup bound!" "Cool her off very slowly, boy." "Yes, sir." "Beautiful, Lance." "She's fencing at the top of her form." "I think we'll make it, old girl." "Oh, Sal, the winner gets the girl, you know." "Well, I..." "I never promised that, Lance." "Not quite." "I'm going to hand the Virginia Challenge Cup to my bride-to-be." "The Virginia Challenge Cup." "Oh, Lance!" "Do you see what I see, by any chance?" "Here he come, Mr. Jeff." "Well, I thought they'd..." "He'd gone." "Mother?" "Didn't you phone Jeff that the children were all right?" "Why, didn't I?" "Oh, good heavens, sometimes I think I must be losing my mind." "Oh!" "That ain't no horse." "That's a four-legged bird." "Great work, Albert!" "Oh, Albert, Albert, this is embarrassing." "Albert..." "Joe, do something." "I'm sorry, Mr. Haynes." "Are you hurt?" "Is that horse crazy?" "I really don't know what to say." "I guess Albert just stopped a minute for a visit." "Visit?" "Why, you..." "Oh, you're mad as hatters, both of you." "I told you that horse was a crazy one." "He's a killer." "He ought to be destroyed." "And something done to his owner." "Right again, old boy." "Now, look here." "I'm very sorry, Haynes, that the horse threw you." "And I'm sorry I attracted his attention, but I'm a little fed up with this talk about the horse being crazy." "Look at him." "I've been riding him myself nearly every day." "Well, then, why don't you ride him yourself tomorrow?" "Because I don't pretend to be..." "Very good idea." "Very good." "All right, I will." "Oh, no, Jeff." "No." "You'll break your neck." "Come on, Joe." "Bring Albert." "The horses are now on the track for the 45th running of the historic Virginia Challenge Cup." "The distance is four miles, twice around the course over timber." "Most of the greatest horses and finest amateur riders in the history of steeple chasing have competed for this trophy." "It is one of the most grueling tests for both man and horse." "Hope you stay on, old boy." "This year's favorite is Lady Julia, ridden by Mr. Lance Gale of Clear Valley Farm, which has had entries in every Challenge Cup Race." "The second choice is..." "They're off!" "It's Lady Julia taking the lead." "Long Play is second, then Bold Son." "He's over!" "But he can't ride!" "Still Lady Julia in the lead." "Long Play and Bold Son and The Heathen." "And in fifth place, here comes Number Three." "Number Three is..." "It's the 100-to-1 shot, Albert." "Still Lady Julia." "Mr. Gale is riding her beautifully." "They're bunched for the third jump." "Amagansett is coming fast on the inside." "And now, there's a fall." "There are two horses down." "It's The Heathen and..." "The rider's hurt." "Wait a minute, I can't see the number, but..." "There goes the ambulance." "The second horse was..." "The second horse was..." "Truby with Mr. Wells." "Now, it's Lady Julia and Albert." "Albert!" "It's Albert challenging." "They're head and head." "Albert's taking the lead." "Come on, Albert!" "Come on, Albert!" "Come on, Albert!" "Coming into the first turn, it's Albert, the sensational long shot by a clear length, but look at his rider." "He seems to be wobbling." "He's wobbling all over his back." "But he's over!" "The rider is Mr. Jefferson Warren, and I'm told this is his first steeplechase." "The field is stringing up coming into the fifth jump." "And it's still Albert and Lady Julia..." "And he's off!" "Oh!" "Albert has stopped and is turning around." "He isn't hurt." "Look!" "Oh, I'm glad it's over." "Oh, go away from me, you fool." "Go away." "Get on him, Mr. Jeff, get on him again!" "You've done everything to embarrass me except kneel down, you camel." "He's up again!" "Good boy, Jeff!" "It's Lady Julia again," "Long Play and..." "Albert's in the race again!" "Come on, Albert!" "Come on, Albert!" "It's still Lady Julia, fencing beautifully." "Long Play is still second, Bold Son is third." "And Number One, Character, has refused." "He's crashed through the wing." "And there goes Albert, trailing the field." "It's Clear Valley's Lady Julia, the favorite, still in the lead." "Long Play is still second and Amagansett is now third, and look at Albert!" "He's coming up again!" "He's picking up the field." "He's running over horses." "He's running like a sprinter!" "Look at him go!" "He couldn't have!" "He couldn't have!" "Go on, Albert!" "He's coming into the jump." "He's up among the leaders." "He's sailing over it." "He's..." "He's off again." "Oh!" "Beat it, you jackass." "Beat it." "Can't you see I'm unconscious?" "Oh, you fool, can't you see I'm sick?" "Listen!" "No, no, there's an ambulance coming." "Oh!" "All right, you four-legged moron, I'll ride the tail off of you!" "He's mounting." "Oh, no!" "He's up again!" "Oh, not again!" "A mile and a half, and the real test is just beginning." "Warren's up again and there they go." "And ladies and gentlemen, that takes nerve." "What a horse and what a man." "Oh, what a man!" "Come on, Albert!" "Get it over with!" "They're turning for home on the first lap." "Eight horses still have a chance." "The leaders are Lady Julia, Long Play, Amagansett, Bold Son and..." "Nine horses!" "Here comes Albert!" "Two miles nearly gone and two long miles and 11 jumps yet to go." "The miles and jumps that take the stamina." "At the halfway mark, it's Lady Julia, Long Play, Amagansett, Bold Son and..." "Give a yell for Albert!" "Go on, Albert!" "Go on, Albert!" "He's picking up his field again." "He's passing Chestnut King." "He's passing Lassie's Own." "Over the 12th jump and..." "It looked like another spill." "Into the turn, it's Lady Julia beginning to pull away." "It looks like Clear Valley's day at last." "They're taking the 14th jump with eight to go." "And the leaders are still fencing strongly." "He's off again." "Oh!" "I..." "He's off again!" "Warren isn't getting up." "It looks as though he might be badly hurt." "Albert didn't come back for him this time." "Look!" "He's going on alone!" "He's staying in the course, taking the jumps!" "The field is turning for home." "Everybody driving hard." "Lady Julia still holding her lead." "And here comes that lion-hearted Albert." "Amazing!" "And now they're coming down to the line of finish." "It's all Clear Valley's Lady Julia, beautifully ridden by Mr. Lance Gale." "And here comes Albert." "He's passed Long Play, he's passing Lady Julia." "Though he's disqualified, Albert is the first to cross the finish line." "The winner is Clear Valley's Lady Julia, Mr. Lance Gale up." "But what a pity there isn't a special cup for that amazing riderless horse, Albert, the steed who jumps alone." "There's your Virginia Challenge Cup." "Thank you." "The Virginia Challenge Cup, which our grand Lady Julia brought us, is something Clear Valley has been wanting for a long time." "I want to give it into the keeping of my partner, and when I do, I'm in hopes that she'll let me make a certain announcement." "Sal, come up here." "Miss Sally Apley?" "Miss Apley, come up and get your cup." "Where is she?" "Not here either?" "This is where he was." "All I could find out was that they were taking him to Clear Valley in an ambulance." "Jeff!" "Oh!" "I..." "I thought you were dead!" "Oh!" "I am." "What are you doing here?" "Well, what..." "Where do you think I'd be?" "Oh, darling, will you ever forgive me?" "No." "Oh, Jeff!" "What for?" "Oh, darling, you are hurt." "Now, Sally, I'm all right." "Here." "Except for a broken neck, I'm fine..." "Get in bed." "Well, then, sit down, at least." "Sit down?" "Don't you suppose I would if I could?" "Go away!" "I..." "I..." "No, I won't." "I won't." "Oh, Jeff, you're a hero." "My hero." "Imagine you riding the Cup Race for me." "For you?" "You're insane." "I did it because your boyfriend put me on the spot." "Don't get the idea in your head..." "Oh, but you did!" "You got on again and again!" "That wasn't because of Lance." "That was because 30,000 people were watching me." "What else could I do when that animal kept coming back, crouching over me, dangling his reins and blowing hot steam in my face?" "Now beat it!" "No, I won't." "I'm never going to get a single inch away from you again because you love me." "Certainly, I love you..." "Oh, Jeff!" "Oh, Sally, I..." "Oh!" "Let go, Sally." "No, I won't." "Kiss me." "I can't." "I got internal injuries..."