"Do you ever think a monkey would ride on a pig?" "Well, look." "He's always on backwards, for some reason." "Look." "Watch him get back on." "He loves it." "He loves that pig." "Look, he's chasing it." "He's running." "Backwards." "He does hold on tight, watch." "Brilliant." "Derek, what are you doing?" "Trying to see if I can see its face." "Good luck." "Derek..." "What?" "Can I have a word?" " Look, found a snail." " Found a snail." "What, on the table?" "No, in the garden." "A magpie was looking at it, so I saved it and brought it in." "Should get another on and race 'em." "Brilliant idea." "Thank you." "I've got something to tell you." "What?" "Look after the snail." "Yeah." "'A guy claiming to be Derek's dad called last night." "'He wants to get in contact with Derek." "'They lost touch when Derek was a kid, his mum and dad split up." "'I think his mum made it a bit difficult for the dad to 'stay in touch, so..." "He sounds genuine." "'So now I'm going to tell Derek.'" "So shall I arrange a meeting?" "No." "No?" "He really wants to see you, Derek." "Don't tell me about him any more... please." "Thank you." "My dad left me when I was little..." "A little baby." "Little baby Derek." "I remembers him now." "I think I remembers him." "I've seen a picture of him." "Black hair." "But we never talked about him cos it upset my mum too much." "Not cos she hated him but because she still loved him, so we didn't... talk about him." "And he..." "He left cos he wasn't well, cos he had to keep getting drunk and he thought it'd be better..." "Be better without him." "He was wrong." "I wish he would have stayed." "I could have played with him when he wasn't drunk." "You should always stay with your baby." "Hi, Gerald." "Hi." "You all right?" " You all right, Hannah?" " Yes." "Oh, thanks." "Gerald's Lizzie's husband." "Hello, sweetheart." "He visits her every day... you know." "And how've you been today?" "What have you been doing, eh?" "And her Alzheimer's is getting quite bad now, but he never misses a day." "It's very sweet." "And her health is deteriorating quite fast." "She worked in shoe shop." "It's not there any more." "I went in to buy a pair of brogues and she served me." ""Need any help?"" "Oh!" "Oh!" "That was it." "Right in the heart." "Prettiest little thing I've ever seen." "I said, "Shoes."" "I couldn't talk." "Well, next week, when I went in to buy my third pair..." "I asked her out and we were married a year later." "No, she doesn't always know me... but I look forward to seeing her every day." "She's still the same person." "And every day I introduce myself and we get to know each other all over again." "I'm lucky." "Who else gets to fall in love 365 times a year?" "Is any sick among you, let him call for the elders of the church..." "'You see, here's the thing." "'People see a couple of doddering old fools caught in a time warp, 'waiting to die." "'But I see a beautiful young girl from Dublin who wants to 'spend the rest of her life with me." "'I win.'" "Don't feel sorry for me." "Or Lizzie." "We had the best life we could ever have had... cos we spent it together." "Lizzie died last night, so..." "Hiya, darling, you all right?" "Mmm." "Getting on?" "Yeah." "I'm OK." "We could get all these dry cleaned." "No, no, no, no, no." "Lily of the valley." "That was her absolute favourite." "Must have lilies at the funeral." "Load of lilies." "Shall I leave you to it, Gerald?" "Yeah, yeah." "Call me if you need me." "Oh, thanks." "Thanks, Hannah." "'I've been lucky and sad.'" "So..." "I didn't have a dad, but I've had lots of mums, sort of things." "Lots of people have..." "I've had my real mum, I loved her, and I've had loads of other mums, sort of." "I loves them." "And I've lost loads of mums as well." "That's the sad bit." "But I'd rather have had them than not had them ever, like my dad." "He should never have left me." "That's why I likes animals so much." "Animal will always fight to save its baby, whatever." "It'll stay with it." "Even if it hurts itself, it'll stay with the baby." "That's what you should do, look after it cos it's weak... until it's strong." "No point in coming back now I'm strong." "When I first met Derek, he didn't cry." "I mean, he cried but he cried in silence." "He said he'd taught himself to do it when he was little cos he didn't want to upset his mum after his dad left." "It's heartbreaking." "From the moment you're born, from the moment your head pops out, someone gives you a slap, you know, to make you cry, cos that's how they know you're alive." "You cry." "And then that's it, isn't it, for the next 70 or 80 years." "That's what life is - someone giving you a slapping and a load of crying." "That's life." " Where do you want to be buried?" " I don't want to be buried." "Why not?" "At all." "Be cremated." "Mmm." "I likes being buried." "It's all quiet and everything, like a mole, underneath the ground." "No, it's dirty." "Worms and stuff." "Yeah, not in a coffin." "It's all..." "Have you seen it?" "It's all nice and quiet." "Being burnt..." "When you're burnt, right, is what goes inside you screaming?" "On its way to being an angel?" "Or is it already angel, looking down and it's not in pain, all burnt, and go..." "When you're a ghost..." "When you're a ghost, right, is that your soul?" "Derek, where do you get all this from?" "I'm just wondering." "You're on about looking down on stuff." "When you're dead, you're dead." "What will it feel like?" "What did it feel like for millions of years before you were born?" "Didn't feel..." "like anything." "I was just silent and..." "not thinking anything at all." "Exactly." "Mind you, that's how a lot of these feel most days, innit?" "Do you think you've had a good life?" "When I look back on my life, it's been appalling." "You know, I've got my limbs, you know, no problem there but... up there, it's been a war, mate, since day one." "No-one would want to be me." "That's what it feels like." "Yeah, I've had a good life, I think." "I mean... it's relative, isn't it?" "I've had a better life than a lot of people but... there are things" "I would have liked that haven't sort of worked out, I suppose." "I'm sick of worrying." "I worry about a lot of stuff." "Money, mostly!" "And this place." "But there's no..." "I mean, there's no point... in... regretting anything, cos I can change things if I need to, can't I?" "It's up to me." "You've only got to watch these documentaries on the telly, sort of depressing sort of things you see in India with people with no arms and legs sort of propped up in a hole." "Know what I mean?" "It's dreadful, isn't it?" "But that's why they put those things on the telly, to make people like me feel good about myself." "You know what I mean?" "It works." "I watch Comic Relief to cheer me up, and when I say cheer me up," "I don't mean those shit sketches you have on there." "They're shit." "I'm talking about stories of local people who have to walk 20 miles for a loaf of bread." "That cheers me up." "It makes me realise, you know, having Tesco Metro on my doorstep, I haven't got a bad life, have I?" "'That's Derek's dad.'" "He's just turned up." "I said Derek had a funeral today and he was asking me a lot of questions, so..." "He's persistent." "You sure you don't want to see your dad, Derek?" "No." "Why do you keep..." "Don't..." "Don't keep talking about him." "OK." "Stressing me off." "Do you ever pray for anything?" "I only prays that I die before Hannah." "That's all." "And anything else that happens is all right." "I don't think it makes any difference anyway, cos I've prayed for things that haven't happened and I haven't prayed for things that have happened, so I don't think it matters whether you believe in God or not." "Just that's what I thinks, anyway." "Cos I've met people what don't believe in God that are nice and what are horrible, and I've met people that do believe in God what are nice and what are horrible, so just be nice." "That's the easiest thing, just be nice." "And that's what..." "I'm nice." "Not cos I thinks I'll get into heaven or anything." "I don't know." "But..." "When I does nice things, I feels nice." "And when I does bad things, I feels bad." "That's how I knows." "I don't know if I pray, you know, as such." "I hope." "If there is a God, he'll know what I'm thinking anyway, won't he?" "So..." "And he knows the right thing to do, I suppose." "Or I hope so." "Muff." "That's it." "Pray?" "No." "No, I wouldn't bother." "No-one listens to me anyway, do they?" "What's the point in praying?" "No." "I just have a moan instead." "That's my way of getting it out." "That's what it is, isn't it?" "It's a posh moan, praying." "What's the meaning of life?" "Meaning of life?" "There isn't a meaning of life." "If there is, don't worry about it." "You're here now, get on with it." "You don't get animals going about, do you, insects, worrying about why they're here?" "They're here." "They get on with the job." "You get a mayfly, it's only here half a day." "You know that?" "They're not going around, they don't waste that half hour going," ""Oh, why are we here?"" "They do their little job and then they die." "Does my head in." "And, in fact, I know why I'm here." "Yeah, I'll give you a proper answer to that question." "I'll tell you why I'm here." "Cos when I was a little sperm, I won the race to the egg." "That's why I'm here, that's what life's about." "It's how it works." "As a little sperm, I won the race to the egg." "You know, that was the last thing I won as well." "Imagine that." "Highlight of my whole existence was being a blob of spunk." "I've learned that you've got to look after people, that it's important to care for people, that... you shouldn't be selfish, you should... try and look after the old and the ill and the... the weak, you know?" "And then you'll never be stuck for something to do, because there'll always be people to look after." "It never stops." "Yeah, there's no end." "There's only one point to life and that's the orgasm." "The male orgasm, that is." "I do not understand the point of the female orgasm at all." "I tell you who's got it right, Derek." "That's who I'd want to be, if I could be anyone." "He's got it right." "He's always happy, he's enthusiastic, he's popular, he's funny, heart of gold." "Yeah, that's who I'd be." "Come back as Derek." "Wouldn't have much, you know, going on in his head, but what he has got going on, it's all good." "Waiting for the car, isn't it?" "Black Mercedes, take us back." "It's coming round." "It can't come in here cos it's a graveyard, isn't it?" "It'd squish the graves or something." "Yeah, it's not ideal." "No." "Won't be long, I don't think." "What would happen if you buried me in a grave?" "What would we see?" "What would it be, a skeleton?" "Bones, maybe." "I'd like to see them, even though it would scare me." "Hello, Derek." "Hello." "My name's Anthony." "Hello, Anthony." "That was my dad's name, wasn't it?" "You remember your dad?" "Yeah." "Black hair." "Curly hair." "Must be getting grey now." "Like yours." "Derek?" "What?" "Do you want to see your dad again?" "I know he'd love to see you." "No." "He wouldn't anyway, cos he left me when I was a baby." "He did." "He did." "But there wasn't a day that went by when he didn't want to run back and say sorry." "Why didn't he, then?" "He was afraid." "Still is." "But he's here now." "Are you Secret Millionaire?" "No." "Where's my dad?" "Are you going now, then?" "Do you want me to go?" "You can't stay here." "I stays with Dougie." "He's only got one room." "And you can't stay at Broadhill cos you got to be registered." "She's in charge." "Bye." "Got to go now." "I'm sorry." "I'm really surprised at Derek and..." "I'm sorry." "I'm sure it's not forever." "I haven't got forever." "It was lovely to meet you." "Never seen Derek like this before." "He's so forgiving." "He must be very affected by it." "Of course he is, it's his dad." "Do you have any regrets?" "Yeah." "That I always try the easy way out, you know?" "Always, well..." "I thought it was the easy way out." "Yeah." "Always look for an angle and I'd look for a shortcut." "I should've tried, yes." "Should've worked hard." "But I gambled.." "And I drank... and I begged and I hoped... and I cowered." "I'm a failure, I guess." "But I'm not a failure cos I didn't succeed." "I'm a failure cos I didn't try." "I'm just glad I met Derek, you know?" "Cos..." "Not cos he's better than me, cos everyone's better than me." "But cos he makes me feel better, cos he's better than everyone." "Derek took the best shortcut you can." "The only shortcut that's good." "The only shortcut that works." "And that's kindness." "I got a dad."