"How long do we have to keep him here?" "Till the Cubs win the world series." "It could be a while." "All right." "Everything's going to be all right." "We'll take good care of you." "First of all, we're gonna get you a new place to live." "We're gonna get you a new job." "And we're gonna even give you a new name." "Your name now is Ed." "Ed..." "Game blower." "I'm sorry." "I'm still a little raw." "How about Ed Dream wrecker?" "No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "Wait, Jim, your keys." "Don't you ever learn?" "JIM:" "Oh, baby." "Okay, Ruby, four times nine is..." "Uh... 49?" "Forty-two?" "Thirty-six?" "(GASPS)" "Thirty-eight?" "(GROANS)" "What?" "You had it!" "Ruby, I gave you the thumbs-up!" "I thought you meant go higher!" "Dana, you can't help her with the answers!" "Cheryl, I can't help it." "It's so painful to watch, like Jim trying to pick which fork to use at a fancy restaurant." "Mommy, I don't want to do this anymore." "Can we stop?" "No." "No, honey, you have to learn this." "The SAT's are less than 10 years away." "Cheryl, my love," "I'm in the coupon section here, and I don't see anything cut out." "I mean, we got mac and cheese, party mix, generic pop..." "You missed everything." "We're trying to do homework in here." "Oh, come on, you've been at it for an hour." "How long can a second grader's homework take?" "I mean, Columbus sailed the ocean blue, something something, tie my shoe." "Look, this is second grade math." "If she doesn't get this now, she's gonna fall behind." "I know, and then she's going to end up living in a bus station behind the candy machine!" "Come on!" "Would you let me handle this?" "Educating the girls should be my department." "What..." "Why?" "Well... (STAMMERING) Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why, because you think you're smarter than me?" "Is that what you're saying?" "That's what everybody's saying." "What?" "You were in the National Honor Society." "Well, it's not something I like to go on and on about." "I mean, it was automatic if you got straight A's." "Every year." "Four years in a row." "Wow." "What'd you get, Jim?" "I got a career, I got a house, and I got an honors student who brings me beer." "All right, Ruby, sweetie, we've got to get back to these flash cards." "We still have to do our five and six times tables." "I hate math." "(GASPS)" "I wish math would die." "Ruby, don't say that." "Math can be an incredible adventure." "(LAUGHING) Not when you're teaching it." "Come on, she's like me." "She's not a flash card person." "Maybe she likes to have a little fun with it." "Yeah, I don't think so." "You know what the problem with you hoity-toity honors society people is?" "You always think your way is the best way." "(GIGGLING) Daddy, you said toity." "Yes, I did." "See?" "I already have her interest." "All right, you think you can do better than I can?" "Yes, I can." "Oh, Cheryl, let him do it." "This'll be a hoot." "Fine." "You do it." "I will." "And I'll make it fun." "Because nobody learns anything without entertainment." "That's why Vegas is so popular." "JIM:" "Okay, now..." "I've got two handfuls of marshmallows in uncle Andy's mouth." "Nine in each handful." "Two times nine is..." "Eighteen?" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes, yes!" "Okay, okay, okay, okay." "So I put another nine in Andy's mouth, what does it come out to?" "Ah, great." "What are you doing?" "All right, listen." "So if two times nine is 18, three times nine is..." "Fourteen?" "No." "Not less, Ruby." "Twenty-seven." "Three times nine is 27." "So, what's three times nine?" "Um..." "You've got to be kidding me!" "He just said it!" "He just..." "Back off!" "Back off!" "Back off!" "She's just not getting it, Jim!" "I know she's not getting it." "And I ate two times five hot dogs, eight times 10 French fries, and two-thirds of a pie!" "We didn't do fractions!" "I know." "I like pie." "All right, come on, honey." "Honey, I love you so much." "I really do." "But we got to get going here." "Otherwise, it's going to be all night..." "No, no, no, no." "Come on." "Just let Cheryl do it." "I'm not gonna let Cheryl do it!" "Ruby's still got five more of these stupid worksheets!" "Five?" "Oh, I hate math." "I wish it would die." "Do you remember getting this much homework in the second grade?" "Second grade was all about boogers and paste." "Ruby, how come you have so many worksheets?" "Mrs. Taylor makes us bring home what we can't finish in class." "I try to go fast, but that makes it even harder." "Oh, God, you sound just like me when I was in school." "Do the numbers spin around in your head and swear at you?" "No." "Oh." "I'm tired!" "No, no, no, no, honey." "We got to keep going." "We got to keep going." "You know what used to help me with numbers and stuff?" "Is, like, a rhyme or a song or something like that." "Give me the beat." "Give me a beat." "Give me a beat." "(BEATBOXING)" "♪ My name is 18, and I'm two times nine" "♪ Man, I'm doing fine" "♪Reallywannaget  up to heaven" "♪Threetimesnine is twenty... ♪" "Eleven!" "No!" "Eleven?" "No!" "Eleven?" "No." "No, no, baby, no." "Uh, Mrs. Taylor?" "Hi, I'm Jim." "I'm Ruby's father." "Well, hi, there, dad." "Oh, your Ruby is such a joy." "Ah, thank you, thank you." "Can we talk about her homework?" "Ah, dad likes to get right to the point." "Uh, could you not call me dad?" "It's kind of freaking me out a little bit." "Listen, uh, Mrs. Taylor," "I don't want to tell you how to do your job, okay, but what you're doing is totally wrong." "I mean, you know, these kids talk." "And the word on the playground is that you're kind of a hard ass." "Yes, I've read that on some of the bathroom walls." "Well, I think you're giving Ruby way too much homework." "Can you cut back a little bit?" "I'm sorry." "My hands are tied." "I have to follow the state's curriculum." "Maybe Ruby needs a little more help with her homework." "No, no, no, no, but I am helping her." "I'm up all night." "I can't do that anymore." "Well, what about your wife?" "Can't she help?" "No, no, no, no, she..." "No, she can't do that." "No, no." "No, she can't help." "Is there a problem with your wife?" "Yes." "Would you like to talk about it?" "No, it's, uh..." "It's kind of personal." "Well, that's why we're here." "If there's a situation at home," "I can make an exception and lighten Ruby's workload." "Oh, that's great." "Thank you so much." "But I would need to know exactly why your wife is unable to help your daughter." "Oh, I just don't know if I can talk about it." "It would be our secret." "Well, I just..." "(THINKING)  No." "Mmm..." "No." "Bingo!" "Cheryl can't read." "That's interesting." "Hey!" "How was yoga class?" "Are you really interested, or is it just a commercial?" "Oh, hold that thought." "The show's back on." "So, why aren't you guys doing homework?" "We finished an hour ago." "TOM BERGERON ON TV:" "And here's a golfing toddler whoreallytaughtdad  themeaningof theword backswing." "(LAUGHING)" "Right in the crotch!" "Hey, you give a kid a golf club, stand back, genius." "So, Ruby, you finished all your homework?" "Yeah." "Every bit of it." "Wow." "And a lot faster than she did with the honors student." "Oh." "You might have to give up those flash cards." "Oh, look out for the rake!" "ALL:" "Oh!" "Right in the crotch!" "All right, all right, enough crotch stuff." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Come on, that's not cool!" "That ain't cool, man!" "That is not cool!" "Bummer girl, bummer girl." "All right, girls, go to bed." "Andy, Dana, go home." "(ANDY AND DANA GROAN)" "Oh, yeah." "I forgot." "Mrs. Taylor sent home a note." "Oh." "She said to give it to daddy." "Oh!" "Uh, uh..." "Ruby needs to bring a smock for art class." "What..." ""Please tell Ruby's mother she needs a smock for art class."" "That's what I said." "Why would she send a note for me to you?" "I don't know, Cheryl." "It's a crazy world out there." "I once saw a dog with a bird riding on his back." "Explain that, and I'll explain the note." "Hey, has anybody seen my cell phone?" "Oh, yeah, right here." "Here it is." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Right in the crotch!" "Mrs. Taylor?" "I'm Cheryl, Ruby's mom." "Well, hi, there, mom." "Yeah." "We met at back-to-school night, remember?" "Of course." "You're the one who had trouble finding the classroom." "Yeah, well, those signs can be pretty hard to figure out." "Of course they can." "Well, here's the smock you wanted for Ruby that you asked for in the note you sent to my husband." "You know, I was wondering, why didn't you send the note to me?" "Well, I just thought it would be easier." "Well, actually, no." "No, you can send the notes to me." "I promise I'll let Jim read them." "(BOTH LAUGH)" "Sit with me, mom." "Yeah, could you not call me mom?" "It's kind of freaking me out." "This is Clara Buys A Hat." "Oh, please." "I'd know that book anywhere just by the colors." "Yeah, Jim reads that to the kids every night." "But you don't?" "No, I am thrilled to have him read to the kids." "If that's the one thing he does that I don't, that's fine with me." "But it's not fine when dad isn't around, is it, mom?" "What?" "It's all right, Cheryl." "This is a safe place." "I know." "Know what?" "When dad was here asking for less homework for Ruby, he opened up to me." "Jim was here?" "Yes, and he told me you can't read." "Did he?" "So, what time are the other PTA moms getting here?" "Any second." "This is gonna be great." "I know." "This is the first time the PTA has ever sanctioned a hit." "Well, it serves Jim right, telling people you can't read." "Yeah." "Read this, bucko." "You know, you're supposed to grab yourself when you say that." "Ew." "I'm just saying." "Grab something." "You know what I like, Andy?" "What?" "Television." "Oh, yeah." "Me, too." "It's like they've taken all the interesting people in the world and put them in a box." "Yes." "Hello!" "Mind if we barge in?" "CHERYL:" "Hey!" "Come on in." "We'll get started in a minute." "Cheryl, what's going on?" "Oh, honey, the PTA meeting is going to be here tonight." "I'm sorry." "I forgot to tell you." "Make yourselves at home." "I'll be right back." "PTA?" "Hey, Sandy, Sarah..." "Dixie." "Oh, I wish I was in a land of cotton." "So, your husband..." "Is he still in a coma?" "I'm divorced." "Oh, yeah, that's right." "How you doing with that?" "It's been rough." "Mmm." "Yeah." "Well, you're holding up well." "Mmm!" "It's never going to happen." "This one's sending me mixed signals here, Jim, so I'm out of here." "All right, ladies, I'm going to get out of your hair." "But if you could, try to wrap it up by 9:00, because that's when the pants come off." "Jim, Jim, I want to let you know, if you need help with anything, just call." "Yeah, sure." "What would I need help with?" "Mrs. Taylor told us about Cheryl's reading problem." "(GASPS)" "No, no, no, no, no, no." "That..." "That..." "That's not a problem." "Oh, Jim, ignoring it is not the answer." "We need to bring it out in the open." "That is the worst thing you can do with a problem!" "You need to sit on it and forget about it till it fixes itself." "All right, let's get going." "Uh..." "Cheryl, do you mind if I join you?" "Really?" "Yeah, I mean, I'm a P." "Here's the TA." "We're together now." "Okay, let's get started." "Here are the agendas." "Jim, you may want to hold Cheryl's for her." "I can hold my own agenda." "Oh, sure you can, sweetie." "(CHUCKLES)" "You got that upside down, baby." "There you go." "Okay, what do you say we whip through this meeting really quick, all right?" "Uh, let's see." "First item here is a bake sale." "Okay, signs, setup, and snacks." "I'm thinking..." "Uh, you, you, and you." "Okay, what's next?" "Hey!" "I want to do the signs." "Is that such a good idea?" "Of course." "Why?" "Cheryl, because you can't!" "What?" "Well, you got all these commitments, and you're too busy." "You're really too busy." "Well, maybe you could make the signs." "Fine, I'll do them." "Jim, we need 200 signs by Monday." "Are you sure?" "It takes a village, Cheryl." "Okay, next up, library committee." "Me!" "Oh, Cheryl, I'm not sure that's really the right job for you." "Why not?" "Well... (STAMMERING) Because..." "Because, uh..." "Because someone has taken it already, honey." "Who?" "Um..." "Me!" "Terrific." "We meet every Monday night at the library from 8:00 to 10:00." "Monday night?" "But that's Monday night football!" "Okay, what do you say we meet at a sports bar?" "Everybody know where Cleavages is?" "Show a hand." "Jim, Jim, come on." "It's fine." "I'll do it." "No, Cheryl, you can't!" "I'll handle this." "Okay, well..." "I'll do it!" "Can I get everybody drinks, or do you want to do that, too?" "That'd be great." "Get drinks." "Okay." "That's great." "Thank you, honey." "Okay, so, Jim, we've got you down for the bake sale and the library committee." "Okay." "Okay, now, let's talk about the holiday pageant." "Santa." "(SIGHS)" "Uh, Cheryl, you want to grab me a six-pack while you're in there?" "Maybe two?" "So, how's it going?" "Like a charm." "It couldn't be better." "Jim is going to be mother of the year." "Oh, wait!" "I've got a great idea." "How about I run out there and I say," ""Cheryl, you put cleanser in the cake mix!" ""Can't you read?"" "Yeah." "Yeah." "That's terrible." "Jim, I have to tell you, I'm a little uncomfortable with Cheryl carpooling our kids." "I mean, she can't read road signs." "What if a bridge washes out?" "How would she know?" "I don't recall a bridge between here and school." "I mean, there's a railroad crossing." "(ALL GASPING)" "Then you have to do it." "You just have to pick up the kids at 7:00 all next week." "And no quick turns." "My Justin gets carsick." "Mine, too." "If you don't..." "No, no, no!" "Will you hens pipe down?" "Listen, maybe I didn't make myself clear when I said Cheryl couldn't read." "I meant to say she can read." "Jim, don't be an enabler." "I..." "I am not an enabler!" "She can read." "I know it." "Okay, so get her to read one of these agendas." "I can..." "I'll..." "Hey." "Hi." "So, what'd I miss?" "Oh, nothing." "We'd like you to, um, read this agenda." "Here you go." "There you go." "Well, usually we just read these to ourselves." "Yeah, well, well, I'm the chairman of the library committee, and I'm in charge, and now you read." "(STAMMERING) I can't read this." "Why not?" "I..." "I don't have my contacts in." "You don't wear contacts!" "Well, maybe I need them!" "What?" "Stop!" "This is so painful!" "No, no, she can read!" "Read it!" "These letters look weird." "What?" "Is this even English?" "Of course it's English!" "What are you talking about?" "It says here "Never try to pull one over" ""on your honors student wife."" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "You do not get to mope-walk up those stairs." "You told Ruby's teacher I can't read!" "What about you?" "You just pulled a sting on me in my own house." "Well, you deserved it." "You went to Ruby's school without me and asked them for less homework." "Yes, I did." "Why did you do that?" "Because I was trying to help Ruby." "No, no, no, Jim." "You were trying to help yourself, because you didn't want to admit that you had just as much trouble teaching Ruby as I did." "Why would I want to admit that?" "You're always saying, "Jim, leave the kids' education to me."" "You just kind of push me aside like I'm not smart enough." "Oh, hey, I never said that." "No, no, no, no." "But you think it." "Why don't you just say it?" "No!" "I want to give you a freebie here." "(SIGHS)" "Really." "Just say it." "Say, "Jim, I'm smarter than you."" "No!" "Go on, say it." "Fine!" "I'm smarter than you!" "How dare you?" "You told me to say it!" "I know, but I didn't think you'd be so convincing." "Daddy?" "Yes, honey?" "Come downstairs." "I want to do math with you." "What..." "You want to do math?" "Yeah." "It's fun when Daddy does it." "Oh, thank you, baby." "Go downstairs and get Daddy's math candy out." "See?" "This is what I'm trying to tell you." "We're not all flash card people." "Some of us are marshmallow-in-the-mouth people." "You know, it's a well-known fact that flash card people are sexier than marshmallow people." "You got that right." "Oh, honey." "Oh." "Well, is there any room for a hoity-toity honors student to help with the homework?" "Cheryl, you said toity." "(LAUGHS)" "Seriously, honey, I really do want to help, but if I can't use my flash cards, what do I do?" "Well, give me a beat." "What?" "Give me a beat." "Oh." "(VOCALIZING)" "How many marshmallows can you fit in your mouth?" "Oh, that's funny." "You know, you're going to want to bring that sense of humor to your library committee meeting." "Great." "I'll meet you at Cleavages."