"(barking orders)" "(fanfare plays)" "TV ANNOUNCER:" "Military budget held up." "Special committee appointed to investigate rumors of military waste." "Committee findings may mean pay cuts for men in service." "Cuts?" "What are you..." "what are you worried?" "Just another investigation." "Are they kidding?" "TV ANNOUNCER:" "Immediate investigation of Army bases planned by committee." "Those are the headlines." "Now for Fenton Dudley in Washington." "Good evening." "This is Fenton Dudley." "With me in the studio tonight is the Special Citizens' Committee appointed to make a whirlwind tour through Army installations, investigating rumors of waste and pampering of our soldiers:" "Former Congressman Pettiguild;" "Mrs. Alice Colby," "President of the Women for Economy in Government League;" "and the chairman of the committee," "Mr. Clyde Fortright, President of the Taxpayers' Federation to Cut Waste in Government." "Uh, Mr. Fortright, can you tell us briefly the purpose of this investigation?" "Well, Fenton, our purpose is plain-- we're out to save money." "Heaven knows we don't want to hamstring the defenses of our country, but we hear rumors of enlisted men who are living the lives of country gentlemen." "A four-year vacation with pay." "They found out about Bilko!" "FORTRIGHT:" "It's our duty to investigate these rumors, rumors of country-club living, where the finest imported wine is served." "Lies!" "This is domestic if I ever tasted domestic!" "DUDLEY:" "Congressman Pettiguild, would you say a few words?" "Let's get something else on..." "Wha...!" "I don't bother you when you listen to Ding-Dong School." "This is important." "I'm with Clyde here whole hog." "When I was in the Army-- just a dogface, and proud of it-- I was paid $21 a day, once a month." "(Pettiguild chuckling)" "DUDLEY:" "Uh, thank you." "Uh, Mrs. Colby, will you tell us a little about your trip?" "Well, it's more or less top secret." "But we're going to start with the Army." "DUDLEY:" "Uh, you're going to sort of swoop down on some camp unannounced?" "Some poor commanding officer's in for it." "PETTIGUILD:" "We're going to some out-of-the-way place, uh, somewhere" "in the Middle West." "The Middle West?" "There must be hundreds of camps in the Middle West besides ours." "PETTIGUILD:" "A camp nobody hears about because practically nothing ever happens there." "They're getting warm." "PETTIGUILD:" "The camp we're investigating is an almost forgotten outpost of our military system." "Drab, unrecognized, practically asleep." "They're coming here!" "Oh..." "That's it, drab, unrecognized, practically asleep-- he just described Fort Baxter." "I got to go get my kitchen cleaned up." "I got to unpack that new Signal Corps equipment." "My quartermaster shoes..." "Wait a minute!" "Wait a minute!" "Come here, you meatballs!" "This is the chance we've been waiting for." "This is the chance to get a raise." "A raise?" "He's gonna cut our pay." "Cut us?" "When I show that committee around this post and let 'em see how we live on the measly..." "The colonel's gonna let you show 'em around the post?" "Let me?" "He's gonna order me to!" "Just stand by for instructions." "The committee is coming in on the 8:10 plane in the morning?" "Yes, sir." "I'll have everything in order." "They're coming here, all right." "What'll I do?" "Nobody important has visited this post since... that camp show got lost and came here by mistake." "(Mrs. Hall groans)" "Oh, dear, a military reception." "I'll alert the post band." "The post band-- wait." "Find out if they can play any marches." "Nobody's ever heard them play anything but mambos for Bilko's dances." "We'll, uh, we'll get together the Honor Squad, sir." "The Honor Squad." "Three of its members are in the guardhouse." "Wh-Why does this have to happen to me?" "(doorbell rings)" "Come in." "Colonel Hall." "What is it, Bilko?" "Sergeant Bilko, how nice to see you!" "Well, thank you, miss." "Colonel, you didn't tell me there was a movie star on the post." "Here it comes." "Are you here to entertain the boys?" "Oh, you folks do do a grand job..." "Come now, Sergeant Bilko." "Bilko?" "Heavens, it's Mrs. Hall!" "If you get any younger," "Bilko?" "I swear they'll be calling him a cradle snatcher." "Oh, you are..." "Bilko!" "Huh?" "What is it?" "We're busy!" "An investigating committee is coming here tomorrow morn..." "Oh, yes, sir, isn't it exciting?" "Exciting?" "Yes." "Just think of the wonderful opportunity to show off our post, sir." "Bilko!" "Stop joking!" "I'm not joking, sir." "This is a service installation." "Well..." "We're not prepared to entertain VIP's!" "Well, it's a grand opportunity, sir." "I'll meet them at the airport myself with the staff car, show 'em around the barracks," "take 'em to the mess..." "You?" "You?" "You'll meet them and take them around?" "Well, sir, I presume..." "You certainly are." "You're the last man in the Army I'd trust with visitors." "They'd end up in a crap game." "(laughs):" "Oh..." "He does come out with the good ones." "Never mind, never mind." "Funny!" "Funny!" "He's funny!" "Never mind, just see that your barracks are clean and that... that your men are GI" "when I bring them around." "Yes, sir." "Sir, are you gonna show them around?" "Of course." "Well, sir, I..." "I know you'll do a fine job of showing them everything, but I can only hope they'll believe you." "You hope they'll believe me?" "Well, no offense meant, sir, but you know those taxpayers' committees, they're very suspicious." "And you as the commanding officer, well, they may not think you're showing them everything." "Bilko, are you intimating that I would want to hide something?" "Oh, no, sir, you're the last person in the world I'd suspect." "Well, land sakes alive, sir, I would vouch for you for any..." "Oh, I'd vouch for him." "Bilko?" "I'd sign an IOU for this man." "I'd put my name on any loan..." "Bilko!" "Just what are you driving at?" "Well, no, sir, you saw it yourself." "This-This Congressman Pettiguild, he's an ex-soldier." "You know how those doughboys feel-- they're very bitter about officers." "That has nothing to do with me." "I guess you're right, sir." "You'll just have to take your chances." "Chances?" "How can you help but admire a man like this?" "He's going through a thing against all odds, even against ex-congressmen who want to get even with officers." "Uh, John, maybe Sergeant Bilko's..." "She's right, every word she said is right, sir." "Absolutely right, sir." "Because we should have no fuss, no bother, just an uninterrupted day in the life of Fort Baxter." "Yes, but..." "tomorrow's Saturday, that's my day to work in the garden." "And it's my day for collecting old clothes" "for the Salvation Army." "Yeah." "Wonderful, wonderful-- a typical Saturday in a happy, happy camp." "You digging away in your garden, you collecting clothes for a worthy cause." "Oh, incidentally, Mrs. Hall, uh, drop by the barracks-- the boys have some clothes they want to give you." "Oh, thank you, Sergeant!" "Colonel, he may be right." "Yes, yes, they'll see we're not trying to hide anything behind brass bands and parades." "The splendid ideas this man comes up with!" "Isn't it magnificent?" "This is..." "it's gonna be wonderful!" "Just an uninterrupted day, a normal day." "An enlisted man meets them at the airport, starts..." "Oh, sir, who shall we get to meet them?" "Oh..." "I wonder who we can get." "(grunts, chuckles)" "Oh, how about you?" "Oh, please, I couldn't." "I..." "Why not, Bilko?" "Well, sir, I'd love to..." "Why, you've been here longer than any other sergeant." "You know the post better than anybody." "But sir, I have such a busy schedule." "I don't know..." "Bilko, you'll conduct the tour!" "That's an order." "Well, sir, if it's an order." "I'd better get my clothes off the line." "No, please, if you don't mind my saying so, just leave it the way it is-- the clothes on the line is the perfect touch, so they can see just a happy, happy day at a camp." "Yeah." "A camp that's led... by a magnificent commanding officer!" "(chuckles):" "Oh, come, now, Bilko." "Glad to say it, anytime at all." "BARBELLA:" "Come on, let's go, get them plants outta here!" "Hey, hide that pool table." "Get the games out this way, will ya?" "Hey, you got the mattress?" "Outside." "Yeah." "Bring the boards in here." "Get the boards on the sack;" "they'll never know." "Come on, let's go." "Change them signs, will ya?" "Get the curtains off, Kadowski." "What do you want this to look like?" "That a boy." "Hey, listen, I just got a call from Henshaw." "He picked them up at... at the airport, and he's bringing them right to this barracks so Bilko can take over, huh?" "Hey, Ernie!" "Everything is all set." "Here, get rid of this stuff." "Quick!" "On the double!" "Get it out of here!" "Hey, Sarge?" "Where should I put this?" "Hide it!" "Get it out of here!" "Anything that looks like luxury around the camp." "Not even the barest necessities." "They want to see poverty, they're gonna see poverty." "I'm taking this outfit and making it a Tobacco Road." "(laughs) Now, look, do this thing right, do what I tell you, we got to wind up with that raise." "Hey, Ernie, here comes the chief." "All right, on the double." "Look, tell the guys when they line up, only the thin guys in the front line." "Especially you." "Here they come, here they come." "Out, out!" "And remember your cue!" "Rocco, get that out of there!" "# Over hill, over dale, we will ride the dusty trail... #" "Sergeant Bilko, you've been ordered to conduct this committee on an inspection of Camp Baxter." "Committee on an inspection?" "Well, heavens, we're not even prepared." "We didn't expect any..." "Sergeant?" "We meant this to be a surprise." "Well, sir, it certainly is." "I..." "Oh, just a moment." "Isn't this Congressman Pettiguild?" "You recognize me?" "Recognize you, sir?" "The Champion of the South?" "(chuckles)" "I always say, the North may have won the war, but you're going to live to make them regret it." "Very good." "I must remember that." "Thank you." "This is Mrs. Colby." "How do you do?" "Hello, Sergeant." "Say, I saw you last night on television, and if I may say so, you're even lovelier in person." "(Colby laughing)" "It must have been quite a sacrifice giving up the career of a model to go into politics." "Oh, now, Sergeant, a model!" "Why, I'm just a plain housewife." "Plain!" "Plain, indeed!" "Calling her plain?" "That's like calling Marilyn Monroe mousy." "(laughing):" "I don't think I have..." "Is this going to be a social visit?" "Well, no, no, not-not..." "Oh, just a minute." "Isn't this Mr. Fortright?" "Oh, the many times I've enjoyed your speeches on temperance." "Oh, yes, sir-- you make Carry Nation seem like a ruffian." "Are you through?" "Yes, sir." "If you are, we can get on with our job." "We're here to cut down this waste and extravagance we hear about." "Oh, and it's about time, if I may say so." "No easy job for a sergeant trying to handle men... who are so used to being pampered." "Pampered?" "Oh!" "Well, now, I think we're lucky, running into a sergeant as intelligent as Sergeant Bilko." "(Colby laughs)" "Thank you." "I've seen your face on some cover-- was it Vogue?" "No." "Harper's Bazaar?" "I've seen that face." "Please!" "Yes, sir?" "May we begin?" "Well, of course." "Well... this is a typical barracks." "Mm-hmm." "Who could ask for anything more?" "There is some rumors that they're gonna tear these barracks down, but I think that's rather ridiculous-- they were built to last a hundred years, and these have got at least two more years to go." "Oh, yes, it's just like home." "(pounding)" "Are those boards?" "Oh, yes, but that's just for the enlisted men." "Uh, what the officers sleep on, well, that's something else again." "I thought so." "Yes, they sleep on straw." "Straw?" "Yes." "Oh, we don't mind." "It gives us an incentive to rise to the top to become officers ourselves." "You've got that wrong, dear." "Officers have the straw, not..." "Straw." "The straw's for the officers." "Thank you." "Speaking of officers... where is your commanding officer?" "Well, I believe this is his day off." "Mm." "Out to the country club playing golf, I suppose." "Or is it yachting this week?" "Well, uh, I'd rather not say, sir." "Come clean-- what does he do?" "Well, uh, this is the day he makes a little extra money doing work for the civilian." "Doing work for the civilian?" "Oh, yes, you see, officers don't get much pay." "They have to pay for their own uniforms, and that 60 cents an hour he gets digging cesspools, ditches and mowing lawns, well, it does pay, you see?" "It makes ends meet." "The commanding officer takes in odd jobs?" "This is the most ridi..." "Attention!" "Colonel Hall!" "Oh, I-I'm sorry." "Oh, don't go, Colonel, don't g..." "Please don't say a word about it, sir." "He's terribly proud, very proud." "Come in, Colonel." "I'm sorry," "I didn't expect you to be in here." "My clothes are..." "Oh, I explained everything, sir." "Oh, thank you, Bilko." "Oh, you haven't met the committee, have you?" "No." "This is Mrs. Colby, a well-known model of years gone by." "This is, uh, Congressman Pettiguild, Mr. Fortright." "Our colonel." "How do you do?" "Uh, pardon me for not shaking hands." "Uh, they're a little dirty." "We understand, Colonel." "Yeah, uh..." "uh, you know, when you... when you work with the soil, you know..." "Oh, it's nothing to be ashamed of." "Mm." "Uh, well, has Sergeant Bilko been showing you everything that goes on at Fort Baxter?" "He certainly has." "Well, Sergeant, uh, I just dropped in to get that shovel that you said you had." "Oh, yes." "Uh, Corporal Barbella, the colonel's shovel!" "Uh, when you've seen everything, uh, won't you come over and have dinner with my wife and me?" "Uh, that's our cottage over there with the wash hanging out in front." "Now, carry on, Bilko." "Thank you, sir." "HALL:" "Thank you, Corporal." "Oh, that reminds me." "Remember..." "The wash out front?" "Yes, we must pick up our laundry." "It's ready..." "The colonel's wife..." "Your laundry?" "Oh, yes." "The colonel's wife does our laundry." "The colonel's wife does your washing?" "Oh, and a crackerjack job she does." "Her rates are always the best." "She's wonderful." "Oh, no, you've got that wrong." "It's not the straw she does, she does the laundry." "The straw's for the officers." "The commanding officer's wife takes in enlisted men's washing?" "Sergeant Bilko, I just came to..." "Oh, excuse me." "I just came for the clothes." "Well, you speak of an angel, they'll always appear." "This is our beloved commander's wife, Mrs. Hall." "I'd like to present the committee." "This is Mrs. Colby, a famous model." "Isn't she lovely?" "This is Congressman Pettiguild and Mr. Fortright." "Our colonel's wife." "How do you do?" "Oh, I appreciate this so much, Sergeant Bilko." "If you knew the poverty." "Sergeant Bilko told us, and believe me, Mrs. Hall, we're going to do everything we can... to help you." "Oh, it will be so appreciated." "Thank you." "Thanks." "And don't forget to starch the collars, dear." "You've done a grand..." "Now, Alice..." "Oh, I can't help it." "That poor woman, and she can still smile." "BARBELLA:" "Sergeant Bilko, the platoon has returned." "Let them wait." "No, no, no." "Send them in." "We'd like to see them if you please." "Yes, yes, we would..." "All right, but please, when you see them in their fancy uniforms and full of zip and vigor, don't think it's just for your benefit." "They've just come back from regimental inspection." "Good." "Nothing like the snap of a crack platoon." "Oh, you are an Army man, sir." "(Bilko and Barbella barking commands)" "Hut, two, three, four." "Hut, two, three, four." "(Bilko continues shouting commands)" "Hut, two, three." "(spouting rhythmic gibberish)" "(spouting rhythmic gibberish)" "Oompa, oompa..." "(speaking gibberish)" "Oompa... (speaking gibberish)" "Hippity, hut, hey, yup." "Sergeant, this is a platoon that just came back from a regimental inspection?" "Yes, sir." "You'll have to excuse my pride." "You see, this is my very own regiment." "Sergeant, these men are barefoot." "BILKO:" "Yes, ma'am." "I said they're not wearing any shoes." "Shoes?" "In summer?" "Sergeant, do you mean that these men don't wear shoes in summer?" "Well, sir, wouldn't that be sheer waste?" "Shoes in summer, indeed." "(weak laughter)" "Oh, isn't it wonderful?" "Look-Look at the sparkle in these men's eyes." "These proud American soldiers." "Proud of the heritage they..." "Gentlemen, let's say it out loud." "What is the American soldier?" "MEN:" "The healthiest soldier in the world." "Right." "You heard them." "The healthiest sol..." "Paparelli, Paparelli, pull yourself together." "Sergeant, what's wrong with that man?" "Pellagra." "Pellagra?" "Pellagra?" "We all have a touch of it, but some of us are too proud to give in to it." "Hold on, Paparelli." "Sergeant, sometimes I can't..." "No, no, no." "Paparelli, come on." "You keep a hold of yourself, man." "Remember, tomorrow we get Kadowski's food package." "Food package?" "Yes." "Once a month, we get a... a-a-a food package." "Kadowski-- his relatives send it from Poland." "Our boys..." "Our boys get food packages from Europe?" "Well, sir, don't take that wrong." "We love what we get here." "Oh, believe me, you'll see that for yourself." "It's just that these packages contain certain little delicacies we're not used to, like sugar, butter, uh, powdered eggs." "Huh, fellas?" "(men sighing)" "Hold on, Paparelli." "Oh, I never heard of such a thing." "No, you've got that wrong, dear." "Poland." "See, we don't get the straw from Poland." "We get the packages." "Straw's for the officers." "This disappoints me." "Sergeant?" "Sergeant, this is all very dramatic, if a bit unbelievable." "Barefoot soldiers." "A fantastic story of a colonel's wife who takes in enlisted men's washing." "Do you expect me to believe that?" "Ah." "Paparelli." "Paparelli, hold on." "Hold on, Paparelli." "What is it now?" "Well, nothing, sir." "It's just that cigarette." "It's been months since the boys had one." "Paparelli, please!" "And would you please be kind enough, if you don't mind." "Blow a little smoke to the men in the back row." "Well, I-I..." "We..." "You see, in this platoon, it's share and share alike." "MEN:" "Ah." "Oh, thank you." "Paparelli, hold on." "Hold on, Paparelli." "Well, Sergeant, shall we go on?" "No, no, stop..." "(clamoring)" "Get-Get away." "Get away." "Get away." "Paparelli, drop it." "Drop it, Paparelli." "Drop it!" "Drop it!" "Drop it!" "Barbella, quickly." "Get back." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Back!" "Guys!" "Come here!" "All right, now you take that to the chaplain for safekeeping." "Yes, sir." "Thank you." "On the double." "Come on, men." "You remember this platoon." "We share and share alike." "We'll each get a puff right after retreat." "You remember that-that butt we found last month?" "We all got a pu..." "Who had the last puff?" "I did." "Oh, we start with you, Doberman." "Remember that." "Pull yourself together, boy." "All right, men, time is running out." "You only got three minutes left for the recreational period." "Recreation." "Ah, yes." "I've heard of these swimming pools, elaborate game rooms." "Oh, games." "Oh, yes, we play games." "We have a game we love." "All right, men, now remember, we only got three minutes left for fun time." "Now, whose turn is it?" "My turn, Sarge." "All right." "Go." "Tag." "You're it." "(squealing and laughter)" "Come on, Paparelli." "Attaboy, Paparelli." "Go right after him, boy." "(chuckles)" "You mean, the only game these boys play is old-fashioned tag?" "Oh, we play other games, like Run, Sheep, Run," "Imagination Baseball." "Sergeant, I happen to know that even the smallest Army post has a movie theater." "Oh, so do we." "We have a movie once a month." "Once a month?" "Yes, I know it sounds extravagant, but I heard rumors of other camps that have talking pictures." "You have silent pictures?" "Oh, yes, we love the silent pic..." "Last week, we had The Covered Wagon." "Wasn't it fun?" "With the Indians." "Oh, it was grand." "These are the pictures you see?" "Oh, and don't we love 'em." "We have a Francis X. Bushman fan club right on the post." "Oh, yes..." "Oh, but enough talk about the gaiety of soldiers." "I know there's something else you would like to join us in, and we'd deem it an honor if you'd have chow with us, as we say in the Army." "Excellent idea." "We want to eat exactly what you eat." "And you will." "You will." "And perhaps I can help your cook." "Oh, I've seen that face." "Was it the Police Gazette...?" "No." "Peek?" "Look?" "I saw you..." "Quiet." "Quiet!" "Quiet." "Quiet!" "Sowici, Bilko's out in the corridor." "I know." "I know." "I know." "Now, quiet." "Hey, Sowici." "Sowici, is everything set?" "Yeah, but if the colonel ever finds out about this, I..." "And you know this is the time of the day he usually comes here to pick up scraps for his dog." "Stop worrying, will you?" "Bilko's got it timed to perfection." "Just take it easy." "Here they come!" "BILKO:" "All right, folks." "Oh, doesn't everything smell good?" "This is our little place." "I do hope you enjoy..." "Oh, and with a great deal of pride, may we present our champion mess sergeant, Sergeant Stanley Sowici!" "How do you do?" "He used to be with the Howard Johnson's." "Howard cried like a baby when he left him." "(laughs) Won't you come in?" "Thank you." "Shall we?" "Yes, thank you so much." "I'm as hungry as a hound dog." "Me, too." "Well, that's good to hear." "I do hope you brought your appetites with you." "And I hope everybody likes frankfurters." "Just like the old Army days." "I love them." "Excuse me." "Oh, I'm so glad to hear that." "Well, I'll carve." "Huh." "And for you." "Oh, I believe this one might be alive yet." "Here we are." "For you, sir, Mr. Fortright." "And my dear, I do hope you like the outside cut." "There we have it." "All right, boys," "there you go." "(shouting)" "All right, all right, let's not have any riots." "They'll be enough for all of you." "Beans?" "Please." "How many?" "How many?" "Really!" "Sowici, these are our guests." "What do you mean, how...?" "You take as many as you want to." "Three or four, any amount you want." "Wait a minute." "Sergeant, tell me the truth." "Is this your usual meal?" "It's no use, Sowici." "He's too smart for us." "Might as well tell him the truth." "No, sir." "This is our Christmas dinner." "Well, what do you men get every day?" "Please, not while they're eating." "Please." "Oh, but we like what we..." "At least we don't have to pay for it, but the officers..." "Attention!" "Oh, uh, please be seated, everyone." "Thank you, Colonel." "Pay no attention to me." "Uh, have you those, uh, meat scraps and bones for me, Sergeant?" "Oh, yes, sir." "Right here, sir." "Hmm." "Well, nice and fresh, mm-hmm." "Uh, I hope you're seeing everything." "Oh, we certainly are." "Carry on, Bilko." "So proud, so cheerful." "Yes, but his wife-- that's the real champion of all." "You should see what she makes out of those bones and scraps." "The most wonderful hash you could imagine." "Please!" "Wait." "I've seen enough." "I'm going back to Washington immediately." "I shan't rest until that military budget is raised." "Men, I'm going to see that you all get at least ten dollars a week more." "(cheering)" "Men, men, you have been the victim of terrible rumors." "Oh, well, thank you so much, Mr. Fortright." "But we're very happy..." "Hang on, Paparelli." "Hang on, boy." "Help is coming, boy." "All right, men, dismissed." "Remember, this evening in my barracks for basket weaving." "Basket weaving?" "Oh, yes, we have a little roadside thing we have." "We..." "The profits we put into vitamin pills." "It helps the..." "Sergeant, when is the first plane out of here?" "I'll arrange everything for you, sir, immediately." "Too bad you couldn't get those black-eyed peas for the congressman." "Oh, but, John, this is Kansas." "(doorbell rings)" "Hmm." "There's the committee." "I must see how the roast is doing." "Come in." "Ah, Mrs. Colby and gentlemen, step this wa... way." "Well, what-what's this?" "Take it." "You don't have to say anything." "Just something to tide you over until we get you that raise." "Well..." "Tell your wife she's washed her last pair of socks." "Well, I don't understand it." "MRS. HALL:" "Dinner's ready!" "I hope you like roast beef." "COLBY and FORTRIGHT:" "Roast beef?" "(barking)" "Do you have a dog?" "Of course." "Wh-What's the meaning of this?" "I don't understand it." "Oh, the things we heard about you from Sergeant Bilko." "Bilko." "Now I understand." "ALL:" "# For he's a jolly good fellow #" "# Which nobody can deny!" "#" "(laughter)" "Hey, Sarge, you're a genius!" "Who else could have done it, huh?" "They come out here to cut the budget, and they wind up giving us a raise." "(laughter)" "Hey, fellas, how about it when the colonel walked in for the bones and the scraps?" "(laughter)" "Let me tell you something." "That Mr. Fortright was no easy nut to crack, but when he cracked, he went... he..." "Excuse me, sir." "I thought you had left." "So this is the starving platoon." "Oh." "Oh, well, don't misunderstand this." "I'll tell you what happened, sir." "Uh, Fort Crofter sent us a carrier pigeon, and we couldn't resist it, sir." "That's the leg of a carrier pigeon?" "Well, you see it's the new type-- for long messages." "Paparelli?" "Don't let what you've seen here confu..." "Paparelli, pull yourself together." "Sergeant Bilko, you deceived us!" "Stop!" "Just a minute." "And you say you're not a model." "The way you sashayed over here..." "Bilko!" "They've had it, and so have I." "Mrs. Colby, gentlemen, I am sorry that conditions on this post were so misrepresented." "If you'll spend the night on the post," "I will show you around personally, and you can see for yourselves just what the true conditions are on this post." "Thank you." "That's all we ask." "Mrs. Colby, will you spend the night at my house, please?" "Thank you." "Congressman Pettiguild and Mr. Fortright." "Colonel, if it could be possibly arranged," "I'd like to spend the night in these barracks." "It's been so many years since I've been in the Army, I..." "Well, uh..." "Oh, Colonel, please allow me to put up the men in my room." "In some, oh... some small way, perhaps I can repay for the despicable way I've acted." "I don't know what got into me." "Well, I, uh..." "Won't you join me?" "You'll love..." "It has a roulette wheel." "We have television." "You'll love it in there." "As for the rest of you men, you will go on with your business as you do every day." "I want the committee to see the recreation hall and the baseball field and everything else." "That'll be all." "Come, Mrs. Colby." "Oh, you certainly fixed us good." "All right, all right, take it easy." "I pro..." "Said you were..." "You were gonna get us a raise." "Ten dollars a week more!" "Yeah, you sure..." "I promised each man ten dollars, didn't I?" "And I'm gonna come through with it." "Let me see." "There's 16 of us." "That would come to $160, right?" "Right." "Don't wor..." "Sergeant, we're waiting." "Oh, yes, that wonderful game you suggested." "What was it?" "Oh, poker." "Poker." "Uh, how did you say about, uh, jacks or better to open?" "That's very intriguing." "But we ought to set a time limit how long we should play." "Uh, let's play until somebody wins $160.00?" "$160.00?" "Sounds like an all-night session." "It certainly does." "Well, it'll be fun, whatever it is." "It'll be fun." "How much money was that?" "$160.00." "All-night session?" "They'll be in bed way before they know it." "(cackling)" "ANNOUNCER:" "Mr. Pettiguild was played by Ralph Dunn," "Mr. Fortright by Howard Freeman." "Mrs. Colby was played by Nina Olivette."