"F R A S I E R (10x19)" " Some Assembly Required " "So, on behalf of myself, the volunteers, and especially the team from KACL" "I'd like to welcome you, the Grant family, to your new Habitat For Humanity house." "Uh, Ronnie, if I may..." "When my co-workers first signed me up for this project without my knowledge, I was, uh... well, I'll say it:" "irked." "But I'm glad they did." "Because I've had a chance to learn the pride that comes when you build something with your own two hands." "As carpenter's helper, I sanded that newel post out there." "As painter's helpers's assistant, I stirred the paint for the trim in the kitchen." "I was also surprised to learn that electricians don't have helpers." "It's getting dark..." "Oh, right, right, of course." "Enjoy your new home." "I know I did, and if ever these walls should tumble... keep an eye out for my Harvard class ring." "Thank you." "It's hard to believe the house is finally ours." "We can't thank everybody enough." "Thank you." "Are you sure you took enough credit for the house?" "I took just enough, Roz." "It's not my fault I'm not licensed to use a plug-in tool." "Frasier, those guys..." "you don't need a..." "never mind." "I'm sorry I'm so late, Martin." "No problem, everything okay?" "My mum is a mean, spiteful woman!" "Uh, maybe we should talk this out before you put your hands on me." "Daphne and her mom had a big fight this morning." "Gertrude's been especially difficult to live with lately." "Yeah, last night, she got the neighbor's cat drunk again." "One of them threw up in the hot tub." "Well, I told her, we will not tolerate this inconsiderate behavior anymore." "If she wants to be part of this household, she has to get off her lazy bum and help out." "How did I put it, Niles?" "I couldn't hear you." "I was in the panic room." "But you looked very forceful on the monitor." "Anyhow, she pinched me keys and drove off in a snit." "Niles had to drive me over." "Why I'm so mad I could break something!" "Are you ready, Martin?" "Let's give it a few more minutes." "What is this?" "Has Frasier been attempting the laundry again?" "No, that's Eddie's." "It's for a safety talk Eddie and I are giving at Glenbrook Elementary." "Sounds like fun." "Oh, yeah!" "We're replacing a talking parrot act." "Officer Chirpy and Sergeant Bob." "Dick Chirpy was one of the finest officers I ever served with." "It's funny, you know, with a name like Chirpy, you'd think he'd be the parrot, but as I said before," "He wasn't, he was the guy." "The parrot being Bob." "That's fascinating." "Dad, are you sure you want to do this?" "I spoke at a career day once." "It was a disaster." "All the taunting and yelling, I haven't been so..." "I haven't been so afraid of third graders since ninth grade." "Well, thanks for the warning, son, but Eddie and I will be fine." "Hey!" "Would you like to see part of the act?" "We'd love to." "Oh, great." "Take a seat." "Come on, Eddie!" "Show time!" "Okay." "Eddie, what should you do before you cross a street?" "That's right!" "Look both ways." "How about if a stranger approaches you?" "Right again!" "Yell, and run to someone you trust." "Okay." "What about if you catch on fire?" "That's right!" "Stop, drop, and roll!" "What do you think?" "I think the kids are going to love it." "I see Dad's been showing you the act." "Hmm." "Darn." "This drawer isn't closing properly." "I'd better go get my tools and have a look at it." "You sure you know what you're doing?" "Niles, please." "I built a house." "I think I can handle a simple drawer." "You know, it's probably the slidey thing." "Or the drawer may have become warped." "If that's the case, then she's going to need to be planed, sanded, and refitted." "Or you could turn the stapler on its side." "I paid good money for an upright stapler." "." "Dr. Crane, it's great to see you!" "What are you doing here?" "I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd stop by to see how you two are coming along, and I also wanted to drop off this..." "this little gift for you." "I thought it would be perfect for the house." "Thank you very much, very generous." "How lovely." "Thank you." "Come in." "Make yourself at home." "Sorry for all the boxes." "Oh, no, please don't apologize." "You know, this is a beautiful print." "Oh, thank you." "Actually, we've been debating about where to hang this." "I was thinking up on the wall." "Uh-huh." "Well, that's an excellent place, but uh, however, it comes to my mind that actually if you hung it opposite the front door, it would be the first thing your guests see when they arrive." "What a wonderful idea." "Thanks." "Eh, um, actually, if you don't mind a little suggestion... um, if you put the couch, say like this, you see, you've got a lovely conversation area, as well as a clear view of the TV." "You really have a gift for this." "Oh, gosh, it's hardly a gift." "It's... a knack perhaps, a... a flair at best." "Wow." "Wait until we tell people that our living room was decorated by Dr. Frasier Crane." "Oh, please." "Hardly decorated, but you know, if you'd like to sit down and sketch out a few ideas together, I'd be delighted." "Seriously?" "Sure." "Wow." "Then I insist that you stay for dinner." "Well, how can I refuse?" "Here, let me take this for you." "You know, I had a lot of time to think about this space when I was watching the plaster dry." "I was plaster watcher." "." "Can I help you?" "Mum, what are you doing here?" "Just following orders." "Working myself ill, so I can contribute to Her Highness's household coffers." "I'm sure Daphne only meant to suggest that perhaps you might help out a little bit more at home." ""Contribute" is the word she shouted down from her high horse." "But I'll be glad to "help out" with the wages I earn serving strangers with my arthritic hands." "Now, how may I provide you with excellent service?" "Well, uh, what would you recommend?" "Not having children." "What does she think she's doing?" "I guess this is just... her childish attempt to embarrass us." "Working here, she's hoping we'll retreat in humiliation." "I stopped being humiliated after she showed up in that Spring Break video." "Hello." "Hi, Dad." "Well, it's been 60 years, but once again, I am the toast of the second grade." "Congratulations." "So it went well, then?" "Oh, the kids loved it!" "When it was over, they all ran out and gave me and Eddie big hugs." "Well, Dad, then you might just want to consider having that uniform cleaned." "Kids that age are always carrying germs." "God knows what you picked up." "Oh, I'm sure any germs on their hands were jarred loose by their wild applause." "The principal asked us to come back and have an assembly for all the fourth graders." "Dad, good luck!" "It's well known that of the cruelest grades, ninth is third, seventh is second, and fourth is first!" "If you're not going to order, I'll have to ask you to leave this establishment." "Gert!" "You working here?" "At Daphne's insistence." "The blood is pooling in my feet, but at least I'm contributing to the palace's upkeep." "Say, maybe I could sell some of that blood, and give my daughter her cut." "Is that a good idea, Daphne?" "Should I sell my blood for you?" "No, Mum, you can keep your blood." "Did you hear that everyone?" "My daughter's letting me keep my blood!" "Okay, that's nice." "Maybe we'll go have coffee at home." "No tips." "Nice." "Frasier." "Hi." "What a surprise." "Honey, guess who's here again!" "Whoa!" "Four times in one week." "Hi, Chet." "How do you like the sconces, huh?" "Uh, good, good." "I thought you had plans tonight." "Well, I was just driving by and I noticed something rather alarming." "What is it?" "It seems somebody has put a..." "a cow mailbox at the end of your driveway." "That's ours." "Chet put it up this morning." "If you want, we'd be happy to give you back the one you gave us." "No, no, no, that's not necessary." "It was a gift, and it was custom- painted to match the shutters... exactly the way I pictured it when this house was no more than a foundation." "Now the cow is... is beautiful, but is it really the first impression you want to make?" "Remember, a mailbox is a house's handshake." "We like the cow." "It's cute." "Besides, we're thinking about replacing the shutters." "Maybe put up some awnings." "And a screen door." "Wouldn't that be cozy?" "Gosh, I'm sorry." "Everything's going so fast." "I, uh, last night when I drove away from here, it seemed like we were all on the same page." "Now it feels like we're working at cross-purposes." "How do we feel about the accessories?" "They're okay." "Okay?" "Last night, they were "to die for"!" "That doesn't sound like something I'd say." "Well, I remember somebody saying it." "Look, all right, let's, let's just try to calm down here." "Marge, why don't you go serve up some of that world-famous apple pie of yours." "We can all sit down and work this out." "Thanks, Dr. Crane, you've been a big help, but I think that we can take it from here." "Well, but surely..." "Good night, Dr. Crane!" "Dad, this is crazy." "If you're too sick to drive yourself here, you're too sick to give a safety talk." "I'll be fine." "I just have to get over this dizziness." "There you are, Mr. Crane." "I was getting nervous." "Listen, my dad's not feeling well." "I think it would be best if we canceled the assembly." "Are you kidding?" "If we cancel this thing, we'll have a riot on our hands." "The teachers are expecting a free period." "The kids are looking forward to seeing the safety show." "We aren't going to let them down." "Okay, if you really think you can do this." "I can." "And by the way, you're just as beautiful today as you were the day I married you." "Okay, I let that go the first time." "Sit down." "We're going to get him some ice water." "We're going to keep him off his feet." "Okay, but you'll have to go on in his place." "Heh-heh." "No, I can't do that." "Yes, you can." "Safety is everyone's concern." "And I can't guarantee yours if you don't." "Quiet, quiet people, settle down." "Gameboys off." "Let's give a warm fourth-grade welcome to Officer Eddie and friend." "Hello, safety fans." "I'm Citizen-Officer Niles, and this is my partner, Officer Eddie!" "Okay." "Officer Eddie will now show us how to act in various dangerous situations." "Say, Officer Eddie, can you show the kids what to do before they cross the street." "That's right, we wait for the signal." "Okay, uh, Eddie, show the boys and girls what to do if they're lost." "Eddie?" "Come here boy, hey!" "Children, I have a confession to make." "I'm not a Citizen-Officer." "I'm a psychiatric doctor specializing in marriage and family counseling." "I know, I know." "The point is The point is that my father is an actual officer, and he'd be here today, except he got a nasty cold, probably from some careless youngsters at his last assembly" "Which brings up a different, yet no less important kind of safety:" "hygiene!" "Oh, geez." "I would like to introduce you to the first defense in the war against germs:" "Officer Pocket Square!" "Okay, okay." "Maybe it's not cool to carry a handkerchief around anymore." "It's not!" "Is influenza cool?" "Is scarlet fever cool?" "Do you have any Idea how many germs there are on just one finger?" "Yes, that finger, for example!" "It's millions!" "Or take simple dust." "Do you know what dust is?" "It's the excretion of mites!" "Little bugs that are eating your skin right now!" "What the hell is he doing?" "He's freaking me out, that's what he's doing." "Oh, Roz, hey, come and join me." "I'm in a bit of a pickle." "I..." "I'm not sure the Grants are the right family for our house." "Who?" "The Grants." "The people who moved into the house we built." "You went back there?" "Just a few times, yes, to try to share with them the principles of decor, room flow, general livability." "Then they literally showed me the door." "Yes, Roz, the very door" "I hung for them in the first place." "Take a moment to digest the irony." "What do you expect, it's their house." "Yes, but I helped to build it." "Okay, untangling extension cords and stirring paint isn't exactly building a house." "Oh, I know I didn't do much." "The truth is I've never really been very handy." "In elementary school, I made an ashtray for my dad." "It caught fire." "Frasier, you did your part, but now you have to let go." "Poor family." "Probably think you're some rich arrogant guy who's bossing everyone around." "Oh, Lord." "Well, maybe I owe them an apology, Roz, I mean the last thing" "I want Marge and Chet to think of me is that I'm some sort of snob." "Did I tell you they have a cow mailbox at the end of their driveway?" "My mom has a cow mailbox." "Well, sure, that's Wisconsin." "The buckle on the bumpkin belt." "Hey, you two." "Oh, hi, Daph." "A latte, please." "Daphne!" "Here it is." "My first paycheck." "$74.12 post tax." "See, everybody!" "I'm helping out my well-to-do daughter with my pittance of a paycheck." "Thanks." "I suppose you're going to ask me to stop working here." "Well, I don't care if you are embarrassed." "I will contribute to the household like you told me, even if it kills me." "Sign here." "Right, then." "I'll just work here till I keel over dead." "Kindly set aside a few pennies from my pay for a nice casket." "Already taken care of." "Four rodent hairs, and the head capsule of an adult grain beetle." "Okay, I heard chocolate, I'll take chocolate." "Per 100 grams, the government allows an average of approximately 60 insect fragments and the odd rodent hair." "But let's say you want to play it safe." "Maybe drink a can of fruit juice." "That's healthy..." "or is it?" "Well, sure... if your idea of healthy is approximately five fly eggs and a maggot!" "This is your government, people!" "All right, let's thank Dr. Crane for coming by today but I'm afraid we're out of time." "Okay, okay, one more, and then we have to say goodbye." "Well, I can't leave without mentioning our friend, the hot dog." "Or perhaps it should be called "hot parasitic cysts, insect fragments, general grit, and rodent droppings." Thank you." "Thank you, Dr. Crane, for that most enlightening talk, and right before lunch." "Everyone exit in a single line to the cafeteria, please." "Good job, Niles!" "Thanks." "It was touch and go there for a while, but you came through with flying colors." "Hey, quick thinking making up that stuff about the hot dogs." "Thanks, but I didn't make it up." "I said it was okay to make up that stuff about the hot dogs, which I love and had for breakfast." "Yes, well, I guess I was faster on my feet than I knew." "Excuse me, sir." "I just wanted to say, you were great up there." "Thank you." "Hey, kid!" "Here." "Wow!" "Thanks, Citizen-Officer Niles!" "Thanks for coming along with me, Roz." "I'm not sure they'd open the door if it was just me." "It's him again!" "I--I'm sorry to disturb you." "You remember Roz." "Hi!" "Hello." "I..." "I just wanted to say how sorry I am for my behavior this last week." "I've been intrusive and controlling." "I lost sight of the fact that this is your home - to do with as you will, and I sincerely wish you all many years of happiness in it." "Thank you." "You care to come in?" "Oh, we'd be honored to be guests in your home." "Oh, look what you've done with the place!" "Do you like it?" "I think it's great." "What do you think, Frasier?" "Would you like to take a tour?" "We just finished repainting the den yesterday." "Oh, Frasier, you've got to see this." "Oh?" "Oh... wow, that's purple!" "Thank you again for the tour." "Your home is lovely." "We like it." "It's the kind of home we've always dreamed of." "Yes!" "Good night." "Good night." "Frasier, I am very proud of you." "I did it." "I didn't criticize." "I said nothing judgmental." "I didn't say a single word about their horrible, horrible taste." "You were great." "I finally did it!" "This was the ultimate test and I passed!" "I can finally let go." "Good-bye, house." "I release you." "They're going to call the police!" "!" "Shut up!" "It's better this way!"