"You can always count on the Onion to get the story." "It's America's finest news source." "And now, the Onion News..." "America's finest news source." "Featuring Dana Dobbs... senior correspondent, Kip Kendall... and award-winning anchor, Norm Archer." "We begin today with news from Detroit... where automaking giant, American Automotive... announced a safety recall of all 2004 cars containing neck belts." "The neck belts introduced last month in an attempt to reduce head injuries... have been found to cause crushed tracheas... severe spinal damage and violent decapitation." "Daddy's home." "Hi, Dad." "Today, the U.S. military announced an innovative new plan to draw new recruits." "You sign up right now... you get one pair of Ozzfest tickets... and a set of mud flaps for your truck." "Then after six months of active duty... you are eligible to receive... an ounce of weed." "Sweet!" "And in six more months, a bunch more weed." "You're fuckin' lying." "I get some more weed?" "And if you serve a tour of duty during a foreign conflict... you will receive upon your discharge... this." " A hot bitch poster." " Damn it!" "Sign me up!" "The Internet went down for three hours this morning... plunging the nation into productivity." "The outage, which caused major work "startages" from New York to California... prevented an estimated 120 million American employees... from messing around on the Web at work." "More Onion News after this." "In a world without justice... where the strong prey on the weak" "One man must face the ultimate challenge" "Master, how did they defeat me?" "They used an ancient technique." "It strikes at the very core of a warrior's strength." "For this attack, there is no defense." "Master, will you teach me?" " You are not yet ready, my son." " I'm ready, master." "No, you are not." "You have much to learn." "You, young pupil... shall become... a cockpuncher." "From Global Tetrahedron Pictures" "Steven Seagal is Cockpuncher." "Stop!" "Cockpuncher." "I don't think you have the balls." "From Global Tetrahedron Pictures." "That looks awesome!" "Sure does, kids." "A real whomp in the nut sack." "Honey, have you seen my good black socks?" " Mommy, look." " Honey?" "If you see news happening, call the Onion News hotline." "Honey, I cannot find my good black socks." "Hello?" "Onion News?" "My baby!" "We're here live with a breaking news story." "Apparently, a local area man has misplaced his black socks." "Mr. McCormick, would you please tell us exactly what happened this morning?" "Sure." "Um, I got up." "It was a normal morning." "The kids are downstairs." "And, uh, my wife's giving 'em breakfast." "And all of a sudden, I noticed that my good black socks are missing." "Here's your boy, ma'am, safe and sound." "Oh." "Thanks, thanks." "Look, sweetie." "Look!" " The Onion News van!" " Yeah." "In other news, a local eight-year-old accidentally... exercised his Second Amendment rights yesterday... when he blew off his head with his father's semiautomatic rifle." "The fatal incident is being hailed by gun rights activists... as a victory for America and the Constitution." " Nobody move, unless you want your head blown off!" " You!" " Please." "Please don't shoot me." "I'll give you however much you want." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "You think I want money?" "You think that's what this is about?" "A big, angry black man comes walking in waving a gun... and you assume he's robbing the place?" "I ain't looking for no goddamn handout." "I'm looking for a motherfucking job, bitch!" " Excuse me?" " You heard me!" "A motherfucking job!" "Don't you see?" "If you give me money, that'll just help me in the short term." "But a job, that'll help me develop valuable job skills and experience." "It's like teaching a man how to fish." "So quit stalling, get your bitch ass back there... and give me a 40-hour week position... with vacation pay and benefits... you piece of shit motherfucker." "And don't make me ask twice." "Back that ass up." "Let's go." "Let's go." "I can help the next motherfuckin' person in line." "You in that apricot sweater suit, get your bitch ass on over here now!" "How can I help you today?" "I'd like to deposit this check, please, into my savings account, and then I need to withdraw" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Just shut the fuck up for a minute." "What the fuck you doin', Liz Anne?" "You callin' the cops?" " No." " If that's the goddamned cops" "No, no, I swear." "I was just on with an account holder." "I was advising him" "I'm gonna kill you, bitch!" "Who the fuck's this?" "You a cop?" "Mm-hmm." "Well, what I recommend is that you keep at least 500 in your checking... to just avoid the minimum balance fee... and put the rest in our money market which will earn you an additional 2% interest." "Right." "You have a nice day, sir." "My pleasure." "Uh" "Liz Anne, uh, sorry." "My bad." "That's okay." "Honest mistake." "Armed gunman, I've been watching you... and I must say, I'm impressed." "How'd you like to be our new customer services supervisor?" "Mr. P., it'd be my motherfuckin' honor." "Outstanding." "Yeah, we're gonna get you an annuity for 12 years on that one." "I'll get you 8% on that one." "Everybody down now!" "Get the fuck down, everybody!" "Give me all the money!" "Hurry up!" "Hurry the fuck up!" "What you doing?" "You playing back there?" "Load the bag up with money, and nobody else fucking move." "You hurry up!" "Hurry the fuck up!" "Load the bag up!" "Load the bag" "You sicken me." "Asking for a handout... instead of raising yourself up out of your situation through hard work." "Why don't you get a job like the rest of us?" "According to statistics, 87% of U.S. citizens are obese." "And the surgeon general is taking steps to address the problem." " As a result of the rampant spread of obesity in the U. S... the government has been forced to raise the definition of obesity... from 55% body fat to 90%." "The move, which reduces the number of obese Americans... from 200 million to 185 million... was widely applauded from coast to coast." "It's high time the government stepped in and did something about this problem." "I don't wanna be obese." "Man, that shit is all fucked up." "In other news, Georgia officials announced... plans to add a swastika and middle finger to the Georgia state flag." "Joe's Diner, an unusual Atlanta area eatery... was not based around any sports, music, or movie-based theme" " Have you spoken to Norm about the changes?" " Not yet." " He's not gonna be happy." " But he's got no choice." "Whatever the new parent company says... goes." "Melissa Cherry is America's biggest pop sensation... selling millions of records to her legions of teenage fans." "But is this young singer sending the wrong message?" "Kip Kendall reports." "Her new album, Come With Me... has gone quadruple platinum and made her a household name." "# Baby, when we kiss my heart just skips a beat #" "#And when you hold my hand Oh, I can hardly speak #" "# Oh, yeah I'm down on my knees #" "But some concerned parents think Melissa Cherry's... image and music are too sexy... setting an inappropriate example for their children." "So, what do you say to all the concerned parents out there?" "Well, Kip, I honestly don't understand what all the fuss is about." "My music isn't about sex." "It's about being a girl and having fun." "But clearly the song, "Down on my Knees," Melissa, is about fellatio, isn't it?" "Ew." "It's about how... like, when you have a big crush on a boy... sometimes you get down on your knees and, like, beg for their love." "# Oh, I got so much love I need to show it #" "What about your first big hit, "Take Me From Behind"?" ""Take Me From Behind" isn't sexual at all." "It's about love sneaking up on you." "You know, like from the behind." "You know, it could be a boyfriend's love sneaking up on you... or a friend's or even Jesus Christ." "# But what I really want is for you to take me from behind #" "# Oh, yeah #" "# Oh, yeah #" "# Oh #" "# Oh, oh #" "#When you love me right up front you know that I don't mind #" "# But what I really want is for you to take me from behind #" "Let's talk about the song, "Lollipop Love."" ""Lollipop Love" is... the kind of love that is just really sweet... and you just kind of want to lick it, you know, and suck it." "# Lollipop Hey, yeah #" "# Lollipop #" "# Love #" "# Lollipop #" "# Love Baby, baby #" "# Lolly, lolly, lolly lollipop #" "# Oh-ho, lollipop love #" "Like a lollipop." "What about the song "Shoot Your Love All Over Me"?" "That's about how, like, when you're in love... you just wanna be covered in it." "# Shoot your love all over me #" "# Oh, drown me in a milky sea #" "# Love all over me #" "But clearly, the video seems to tell a different story." "What kind is that?" " The kind with a... cum shot." " I'm a virgin." "How would I know what a facial is?" "Sometimes I like dressing up sexy in my videos... but that's just my way of celebrating being a woman." "You know, people are always gonna try to tear you down... but that's their problem, not mine." "Because I know who Melissa Cherry is." "She's just a good, old-fashioned country girl from Monroe, Tennessee." "# Baby ##" "The pope condemned three more glands today... bringing the total number of sinful hormone secretion ducts... on the human body to 11." "In international news... relations between Sloravia and Azmenistan continued to deteriorate... when Azmenistani... rebels... seized a" "Hey, Norm." "Hey, Norm." "Okay." " Oh, there goes Norm again." " He looks pissed." "Onion tip line." "What do you got?" "Hey, Norm." "What's up?" "Hey, Norman." "What the hell was that?" "We'd, uh, been meaning to talk to you about that." "Um, it's Globie." "It's the Global Tetrahedron penguin." "Yeah, the folks at Global Tetrahedron thought he'd be... you know, a fun, unobtrusive way to plug the company during the news." "Plus, you gotta admit, he is pretty fucking cute." "Hi, Norm." "Who's the best anchorman in the whole world?" "You are!" "Come on, Norman." "You've gotta get with the times, mate." "These kind of tie-ins are commonplace these days, Norman." "It's called synergy, Norm." "We cannot have a shameless ad for our parent company... running during the newscast." "It's a blatant compromise of our journalistic ethics and integrity." "I'm sorry." "It's just that, um" "You know, what you're saying, it's" "It's a steaming pile of shit, mate." "Norm, listen, what he's trying to say is it's, uh, uh" " It's" " Hilarious!" "It's off the wall!" "It's rude, crude and uncensored." "It's the very best of Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roasts!" "Rolly Ingersoll should get cancer and die!" "All the top names in the business turn out to give each other the business." "Jack Morton, you're a fuckin' asshole." "You'll get all the zingers." "Fuck you." "All the comebacks." "Suck my dick!" "For just 19.99, you'll get the full-length video... of the best of Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roasts delivered straight to your door." "But wait!" "If you order by credit card in the next 15 minutes... we'll throw in the second video, where the stars turn the tables and roast Bud himself." "You know what I think you are?" "A fucking piece of shit!" "New tapes will arrive every other month." "Keep only those you like and return the rest for a full refund." "Order today!" "I fucked his wife!" "In the ass!" "Whoo!" "From Global Tetrahedron Pictures..." "Steven Seagal is..." "Cockpuncher!" "Awesome." "Decadent, immoral, Western filth!" "Ooh." "Awesome." "Decadent, immoral, Western filth!" "Cockpuncher." "Welcome to the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team." "This training video will teach you what angry slogans to scream." "Death to the godless shit beasts!" "How to blend into a typical American city." "Yeah." "And so much more." "Here are Ahmed and Ahman." "They may be brothers, but they couldn't be more different." "Ahmed knows punctuality is important." "He makes sure to leave plenty of time to get to his bombing site." "Death to the godless shit beasts!" "Ahman leaves everything to the last minute." "Oh, shit!" "Ahmed double-checks the address of the bombing site so there are no mistakes." "Ahman doesn't." "Oh, shit!" "Ahmed dresses properly for work... wearing clothing that is loose enough to hide his explosives." "Ahman dresses inappropriately." "Ooh." "And don't forget, as a martyr... you'll receive eternal life in paradise for you and 100 of your relatives." "You'll be blessed with unlimited sex from 72 virgins" " Awesome." " Thirty-five U.S. dollars and a bunch more weed." " Awesome." " So welcome to the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team... where work is truly a blast." "Oh, shit!" "Death to godless shit beasts!" " I'm gonna call Sarah." " Yeah." " Hey, guys." "How's it going?" " What took you so long?" "I was playing Suicide Bomber." "Have you heard from Tim tonight?" " No." " No?" "That's weird." "I was gonna call Sarah." "Yeah, yeah!" "What's up, playas?" "Lake Shore Bluff represent!" "Yeah!" "Show some love, fool!" "Hey, Tim." "Damn!" "LittleJ... you are lookin' mad fly, boo." " You feel me?" " Sure, Tim." "I just bounced from this mad, crazy, ill party, dude." "I was hangin' out with these niggas over in Pleasant Oaks and shit." "You were hanging out with real black people?" "No, but they was blastin' some crazy, phat beats, son!" "They was pourin' out some Cristal... breakin' off some endo smoke." "You know what I'm sayin'?" "Just wildin' out!" " Yeah." " Yo, I'm gonna score me a bag of Doritos." "Y'all straight?" "Yeah?" "All right." "Code Two." "Code Two." "Intersection of 12th and Grand." "We have visual confirmation on the suspect." " This is Unit One." " Hit it." "All possible units, please respond." "And this booty that was like" "Yo, what the fuck is this?" " What's going on, Officers?" " The yarn store down the road was just held up... by a young black male fitting your friend's description." "What?" "What are you" " What are you talking about?" "It-It wasn't me." " No, it's not you?" " No." "Hey, Frank, you see any other young black males here in Lake Shore Bluff?" " Don't see any." " What?" " In the car, darky." " But I'm" " I'm not black." "I'm white." "My whole family's white." "My dad's Irish." "My mom's Norwegian." "We go to the Fourth Avenue Lutheran Church where I help with the bake sale every Sunday." "Settle down back there, chocolate!" "Let's stand right over here." "Don't worry about anything." "Nobody can see you." "Now, I just want you to point to the perpetrator for me." "Him." "That..." "Negro." "Okay, thanks." "We can go." "This is Dana Dobbs here at Lake Shore Bluff... where any second now we'll hear the verdict in the Timothy Shanahan case." "Will the defendant please rise?" "Ladies and gentleman, have you reached a verdict?" "Yes, we have, Your Honor." "We, the jury... find the Negro... guilty." "There you have it." "The Negro is guilty." " Welcome to Focus on Film with Kenneth Garber." "Hello." "We are now a good way through the film... so we thought it would be a good time to get some perspective on it." "And joining us to provide just that... are Nicholas Van Essen and Raymond Marcus." "Offer us, if you will, your take on how the film is doing thus far." "I'll have to say, Kenneth, that I am very impressed." "Sketch after sketch, we're being treated to... a brilliantly biting skewering of contemporary social mores." "Well, Raymond, what do you think?" " I must strenuously disagree." " Ah." "This is nothing but vulgar, low-brow, potty humor thinly disguised as satire." "It saddens me that the Onion has stooped to this lowest common denominator... pandering to the masses." "Well, now for a third opinion... let's go straight to the source." "We have with us here in the studio a very special guest." "Welcome, Masses." "So, what do you think of the film?" "It's pretty cool so far, I guess." "That Cockpuncher dude is awesome." "Bam!" "Right in the balls." "But this part, with these film-expert assholes" "I mean, why do you even have these two gaywads in the movie for anyways?" "Fags!" "Lose 'em and let's get on with the movie, dude." "Gentlemen, experience the majestic splendor... of a cruise aboard the luxurious Queen Nathan II." "On the Queen Nathan, there's so much for today's gay man to enjoy- shuffleboard, exquisite cuisine... monster cocks." "Grab a pole and go deep-sea fishing." "Work those muscles in our shipboard gym." "Enjoy our world-class spa." "Or take a thrilling Las Vegas-style revue." "Yes, whether you want to scuba dive, get blown... or play blackjack in our glamorous casino... the Queen Nathan II's got what you're looking for." "So climb aboard the Queen Nathan II." "And now it's time for Little-Known Racial Stereotypes." "Yes, everyone knows that Italians are all mobsters... and Native Americans are all drunks." "But did you know that blacks love taffy?" "It's also true that Eskimos run all the locksmith shops... the Irish have enormous nipples... and Puerto Ricans can dangle from steel beams for hours at a time." "Damn, that's unbelievable." " How does he do that?" " Oh, he's a Puerto Rican." " Also..." " Y'ello?" "did you know that the Dutch enjoy speaking with telemarketers?" "Visa?" "With a special credit card offer?" "Peruvians love to swoop in and save the day at the last minute." "And they can shoot laser beams out of their eyes." "And, of course, all Arabs are terrorists." "Ah, stereotypes." "Can you imagine a world without them?" "Okay, that must be our final player." " Hi, Julie!" " Hi." " Welcome." " Oh, your house is so lovely." "Oh, thank you!" "Come on in." " Everybody, this is Julie." " Hi." " Pretty cute, huh?" " Hi, Julie." "Have a seat." "So, I understand this is your first whodunit party?" "Ah, you are gonna have so much fun!" "Okay!" "With any luck, by the end of the night we'll figure out which one of us did the dirty deed." "Any one of us could be the rapist!" " I'm sorry." "Did you say "rapist?"" " Yeah." "Yeah, I did." "Don't these things usually revolve around, um, a murder?" "Yeah, Julie, see, we do this every few months... and frankly, we were getting a little bored with murder." "So I was like, " Isn't there some other violent crime we can reenact?"" "And I'm in the store the other day..." "and I find this." "How fantastic is that?" "So, anyway, Julie, since you are new, luckyJulie... you get to be the victim." "Okay?" " Ooh." " So, I want you to put this on." "Hop up." "Okay, so here's what's gonna happen." "The lights are gonna go out." "So, you lie down on the floor." "We're all gonna come running in, but you're gonna be unconscious, so you stay down there." "Don't you think this is a little... sick?" "Oh, sweetie, it's all in fun." "No one's actually raping anyone." "I mean, you wouldn't have a problem with a murder-mystery game now, would you?" " I guess not." " Yeah, so why would you object to a game... revolving around a lesser crime where no one even loses their life?" " Well, it's just different." " Oh, "it's just, it's just"!" "Come on, guys." "Let's play the game." "Get your cards." "Okay?" "CD in here." "You got that on, sweetie?" "Okay, get down on the floor." "Get down on the floor." "Ready for a raping'?" "Oh, no, please don't rape me." " Shut up, you bitch!" " No, no, please, Mr. Raper Man." " Shut the fuck up!" " What are you doing?" "Shut up, bitch!" " Oh, no!" " Shut up!" "Wow." "" Oh, no." "The sweet, innocent, young daughter of Mayor Lewis has been raped." "Lock the door." "No one is leaving until we figure out who did it."" " Nice accent." " Thanks, man." "Who committed this rape?" "Hmm?" "Was it... the creepy uncle?" "The handsome, young Ivy League fraternity brother... who's used to getting what and who he wants?" "Um, the prisoner just released on parole?" "That's me." "Or the vaguely hermaphroditic night nurse... from the senior center just down the block?" "Ooh, he's so creepy!" "Okay, come on." "Let's play!" "Let's play!" ""I was with my wife." ""Besides, that bitch has been making up stories since she was four." "You can't believe anything she says!"" ""I have 22 fraternity brothers who will vouch that I was with them."" "Oh, I bet you do." "Okay, time to spin." "Whoa, Julie, I know this is your first time..." " but you're not acting very raped." " Okay." "Oh, no, no, Julie, you can't stand up." "You've just been raped." "The rapist shattered your pelvis with a baseball bat." "Um, I'm leaving." "Wha-What?" "Where are you going?" "Ju" " Come-Julie, wh" "Now what?" "I guess you guys are just gonna have to rape me." "Oh, no, please don't rape me." "Taffy?" "God!" "Fucking blacks!" "The nation's anti-tobacco lobby won another victory today... when Congress passed legislation restricting smoking within U.S. borders... to a single room in Iowa." " Traffic was backed up from Nevada all the way to Iowa... as smokers tried to get to the lounge." "Move the car, you old, fucking bitch!" "Smokers from across the country are making the long journey... to the 10-by-10 smoker's lounge in Des Moines, Iowa." "I drove all the way from San Francisco just to sneak a smoke in on my lunch break." "I'm supposed to be back at work in 10 minutes." "It's a 37-hour drive." "It's fuckin' bullshit!" "In legal news, a judge has declared local aerobics instructor... and accused murderer, Jennifer Porter, too fit to stand trial." "Judge Edward Conlin said that the suspect... with her washboard abs and powerful leg muscles... is of too sound body... to be tried for the killing of her ex-lover." "According to a new medical study... depression hits losers hardest." "The study found that extreme, debilitating depression... most commonly afflicts those who are total screw-ups... who can't do anything right." "Are you ready?" "Oooh." "# Baby, when we kiss my heart just skips a beat #" "#And when you hold my hand Oh, I can hardly speak #" "# But there's one kind of lovin' that we can't do face to face #" "# So let me give you some affection just below your waist #" " I like that." " # Oh, yeah, I'm down on my knees for you #" "# I'm beggin' please, please for you #" "# Oh, got so much love I need to show it #" "# It's a big job Don't wanna blow it #" "# Oh, yeah Oh, yeah #" "# Oh #" "# Baby Down on my knees #" "# Beggin' please, please ##" "From Global Tetrahedron Pictures, Steven Seagal is" "Hey, welcome to Volt Village." "My name's Dirk." "What can I help you find today?" "Hey, Dirk." "Um, my computer... it's a few years old, and I feel like I'm ready for a new one." "I got just the thing." "The Bates 4000." "Absolute cutting-edge." "These babies came in on Tuesday." "They're packed, man." "Eighty "G's" of RAM." "We're talking a quad-port 900 processor..." "D.V.K. compatible memory card... dual-burning DVD drives... plus a 16,000 C.T.C. combo-drive... with a plus-four digital upgrade card." "This will knock the shit out of your ass." "Well, I'm just looking for your basic, simple home computer." "I know, your wife has you by the purse strings." "But you know what?" "This is the Bates 4000." "It doesn't get any better than this." "It's not going anywhere." "This is the future." "Well, I have the Bates 1000 and that worked" "Oh, excuse me." "You have the Bates 1000." "Oh, that's great!" "Fuck, man, wow!" "Maybe you should talk to a homeless woman outside 'cause maybe she'll be impressed." "Those things are barbaric." "I mean, last time I checked, they didn't even have a delete key on it." "I'm joking, of course." "But look, this is the future." "You get my point?" " Yeah." " Okay?" "Let's write you up." " All right, let's do it." " All right, my friend." "Wow, honey." "Are you sure we needed such a fancy one?" "You kidding?" "This thing's got a quad-port 900 processor... and a 16,000 C.T.D. combo-drive with" "Dude, you're not still using the Bates 4000, are you?" "That thing's ancient." " Really?" " Really." "You got to get you one of these:" "the Bates 5000." "Absolute cutting-edge." "Wow, that is newer." "Thanks." "The new Bates 5000." "Throw your 4000 away." "It's a piece of shit." "This is Hard Drive Hal, your computer expert." "My guest today is Bates C.E.O. Gil Bates." "Now, he's here to talk about perhaps the most powerful machine ever built:" "the Bates 6000, and it's available in stores right now." "Asshole!" "Hey, I just dropped off a shipment of the Bates 7000s." "Now, what do you want me to do with the leftover 6000s?" "6000s?" "Throw 'em in the fucking garbage where they belong." "That's right." "Twice the memory capacity of the 8000." "Mr. Bates, you have a visitor." " Hang on." "Come in." "Hi." "Bates was 42." "In other news, after a six-month stint at the Betty King Clinic... actor Bryce Brand finally returned home today." "That's right, Norm." "I'm here outside superstar Bryce Brand's Hollywood Hills mansion... where, at any moment, he's due to return from his stay at the Betty King Clinic." "Bryce!" "Bobby, baby!" " Bryce." " Bobby, baby!" "Bobby, baby!" " I'm back!" " You look great." "I cannot tell you how good I feel now that I'm off the drugs... and high on life." "Hey, that's what they're saying." "Oh, man, was I a mess." "But all that's changed now that I'm clean and sober." "You know, I never knew how amazing life can be without the haze of drugs." "It's just the little things, like... smelling the flowers" "Or watching the sunset, or just walking along the beach." "You know, these things get me way higher than drugs ever could." "That's great, um, Bryce." "So, we have got a lot of catching up to do with your career." "Now I brought a script." "It is fantastic." "Actually, your part is comedic." "Uh, sort of a wise-cracking" "Bob, this chamomile is so amazing." "It is blowing my mind, man." "Smell this." "No." "Thank you, though." "Um, back to the script." "Again, it took a lot to get this" "Bob, one thing sobriety has taught me... is that you have to take time out to enjoy life's little pleasures." "Can you put the tea down for a sec?" " Bryce?" " Oh, my God." " Bryce." " Oh, my God." "The nation's rapidly growing prison population... which recently passed the 20 million mark... has created a severe overcrowding problem." "In an attempt to alleviate the overcrowding... the government announced today that a random selection of U.S. households... will be asked to take prisoners into their homes." "Hi." "Uh, I'm Dick." "This-This is my wife, Sarah." "This is our daughter, Allie." "And this is our son, Bobby." "He's 10." "Welcome to our home." "'Sup." "Don't drop this shit on me, bitch!" "What the fuck are you doing?" "Don't just stand there!" "Get your man something to drink!" "Damn, it's good to see some women." "Mm-mm-mm." "Mr. Prisoner, my tattoo hurts." "Lights out, guys." "If successful, another 20,000 prisoners... will be moved to suburban homes by the first of next month." "Hello and welcome once again to Focus on Film." "I'm Kenneth Garber." "And I'm joined by Kwame Roberts... president of the National Coalition of African Americans... and James Nakatami, director of the Asian American Alliance for Equality." "Mr. Roberts, let's start with you." "Your organization is not pleased with this film's depiction of African Americans." "Oh, that is absolutely correct, Kenneth." "We are just about halfway through the film... and we've yet to see a dignified portrayal of a person of color." "So far, we've only been shown as vicious criminals or sex fiends." "Just take a look at that last sketch." "So, what specifically is your group demanding?" "The filmmakers put a positive black role model on that screen in the next 10 minutes... or we will be organizing a nationwide walkout of black moviegoers." "That means every single African American currently watching this film... will exit the theater." "Mr. Nakatami, you are equally unhappy?" "Thus far, there are maybe one... or, at the most, two, three Asian faces in the film." "How do you feel about such gross underrepresentation?" "Me no "rikey."" "Excuse me?" "Me no "rikey."" "And... back to the film." "In legal news, local 18-year-old Joey Frankel... is suing for the right to be sexually harassed in the workplace." "Frankel, an employee at Carl's Copy Shop in Phoenix... alleged that during his three years there... not a single female coworker made inappropriate sexual advances toward him... either verbal or physical." "In other news, health officials have confirmed... that a potentially deadly airborne virus... has been spreading across eastern Canada." "And is now moving south towards the coast of" "Hey, Norm." "Hey, Norm." "Okay." " Oh, there goes Norm again." " He looks pissed." "Onion tip line." "What do you got?" " All right." "Listen to me." " Hi, Norm." "Our job isn't to advertise our parent company's movie via goddamn penguin." "Our job is to deliver to the American people... fair, balanced, hard-hitting news." "In this crazy world, the Onion may be the only news source that people can truly trust." "Look, don't be so naive, Norm." "This is a business." "Listen, Norm." "I know you're not gonna want to hear this." "But the suits at Global Tetrahedron... want you to open up Friday's broadcast with a slightly different lead story." "But Friday is the day Azmenistan gave Sloravia... as a deadline for pulling out of the Uzbagiyak region." "It's also the day that Cockpuncher opens." "I mean, this Azmenistani, uh, sloppy ground thing is all well and good, right?" "But it's a million miles away." "Nobody gives a fuck about it." "The more important news story right now is Cockpuncher mania." "It's sweeping the nation." "And it better sweep your newscast Friday." "Take a putt?" "No?" "You owe me a pound, you son of a bitch." "I made that last one." "From Global Tetrahedron Pictures..." " Steven Seagal is" " Awesome!" "Goddamn whorish corporate plugs." "I'm a newsman, damn it." "Oh!" " Cockpuncher." " I don't think you have the balls." "Oh, I cannot wait for Friday." " Excuse me, sir." " What can I get you?" "No, thank you." "I don't drink, or use drugs for that matter." "No." "I was just wondering if you could give me directions to the local library." "Um, two blocks down and left on Second." "Thank you very much." "You have a wonderful evening." "Mm-hmm." "Thank you." "You have a wonderful evening." "Uh, help?" "Has your penis become stuck in a library book return slot?" "Call Kostman's, the penis people." "We've been the tri-county area's... penis retrieval experts for 64 years." "We'll get any penis out of any slot for $39.95." "That's my personal guarantee." "So don't just sit there hoping that your penis will somehow magically free itself." "Call Kostman's." " Dave got my penis out." " Dave got my penis out." "Dave got my penis out." "Dave got all our penises out!" "Kostman's, the penis people." "This week's campaign is gonna rule." "I can't wait for the assault on castle Dragonflame." "I know." "It's gonna be super totally awesome." "I have a third-level elven cleric I can't wait to pit against my foes." "Well, uh, don't count on it being too awesome." "Look who just showed up." "Well, what have we stumbled upon here?" "Oh, shit." "Dare you challenge the might of Proteus the Invincible?" "Ah, I see there are some beardless saplings with us this afternoon... who have ne'er tasted my blade." "This douche bag ruins everything." "Prepare for total devastation." "The magical wizardry, expert chaos techniques... and incomparable equipment roster of Proteus the Invincible... will make short work of all pretenders to the throne." "Okay, Lyle." "How's about letting some of the younger guys have a chance today?" "Okay?" "When it comes to Wizards and Warbeasts, I expect no quarter." "And none shall be given." "All right." "Now that I have readied my provisions for the day's foray into the fairy realms... let the slaughter begin." "None remain standing before me." "All have fallen before the might of my broadsword." "Hope you're happy, Lyle." "You just ruined another Saturday for the whole gaming club." "What care I for the sniveling excuses of the weak?" "They shall bow before my wrath." "In the realm of fantasy, only the strong shall survive to conquer another day." "Whatever." "Alas, the day's adventuring is now done... and I must take the number two bus back home." "If only I could live in the world of fantasy forever... instead of being forced to put up with this banal realm... and its silly, weak-minded mortals." "Oh, how I wish I could live in the realm of Wizards and Warbeasts... ruling the land as a mighty conqueror... smiting orcs and ogres alike with my trusty broadsword." "Proteus the Invincible?" " I have heard your plea." " What?" " Who-Who goes there?" " It is I, Gygax, demon of the Astral plane." "Never before have I seen your equal among the mortals that play this game." "What's going on?" "Guys?" "I have chosen to grant your wish, Proteus the Invincible." "Come forth into the land of legends." "God." "Where am I?" "Ow!" "Oh, God." "Where am I?" "Proteus." "Prepare to piss thyself, human." "No, no, no." "No." "No." "No." "No." "Please." "Fucking geek." "After last night's heartbreaking loss in Los Angeles... basketball star Dashante Jackson had harsh words for the lord." "You know, I'd like to put the blame on God tonight... for not blessing me with the talent to hit the game-winnin' three-pointer tonight." "You know, without him, I would truly be goin' to the play-offs." "Bitch, I don't know why you do this shit to me!" "In news from our nation's capital, a group of Alzheimer's disease sufferers... marched on Washington today demanding a cure for pancakes." "Until this teakettle is cured... there will never be enough bread in the laundry!" "Ding-dong!" "Karate!" "Give 'em hell!" "Hi." "I'm Michael Bolton." "Did you know that all over the world... there are millions of children living in extreme poverty?" "For more than 40 years, the What About the Children Foundation has been making... a difference in the lives of kids throughout the third world." "And so can you... by adopting a What About the Children sponsor child." "But don't take my word for it." "Take Dibo's." "Hello." "I am Dibo." " Come." " Thanks to What About the Children..." "Dibo has seen his standard of living soar well above the level... of his pathetic poverty-stricken village." "The What About The Children Foundation... is able to provide a child like Dibo... with some of the little things in life we so often take for granted." " Thanks, Jimmy." " Like electricity, fresh water, indoor plumbing... a 42 inch plasma-screen television... the latest Sony PlayStation video game... 1,000 thread count Egyptian-cotton sheets... a subscription to the Wall StreetJournal... and selections from Marc Jacobs' Men's Spring Collection." "Get your own sponsor family!" "Thank goodness the McCormicks sent me a security system to keep these animals out." "Thank you, Dibo." "It's stories like yours that make it all worthwhile." "In breaking news, we now join Dana Dobbs in Lake Shore Bluff... where a verdict has just been handed down in the Timothy Shanahan trial." "Dana, what's the latest on the situation?" "Well, Norm, as you can see..." "I'm here outside the First District Federal Courthouse... where this angry mob of Negroes is rioting over the guilty verdict... in the Timothy Shanahan case." "We will keep you posted." " Thanks, Dana." " Thank you, Norm." "Those crazy Negroes." "# Oh, when you love me right up front You know that I don't mind #" "Enter." "Pardon me, General." "Your meeting is about to start." " #Take me from behind #" " Yeah." "So, as you can see, generals, Deathco Amalgamated's M-47 "Jumpin' Johnny" land mine... earned a triple-A rating in field trials and boasts a 98% kill-through ratio... making it the best land mine for the government's dollar." "Nah, we're gonna pass." "Thanks anyway." "Fuck!" "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" "Fuck, fuck!" "You call yourself a salesman?" "We spent $400 billion of the company's money developing these land mines for the military!" "You'd better find a way to unload these things!" "Tired of backbreaking yard work?" "Then jump back for Jumpin' Johnny!" "Jumpin' Johnny blasts weeds to pieces!" "Frags ragweed... crabgrass, dandelions... rabbits... raccoons... even elephants." "So, what are you waiting for?" "Get Jumpin' Johnny today!" "It's now time for our weekly Inspirational Portrait." "This week, the Brendan Laroux story." "Brendan Laroux's story is one of dreams." "As a young boy, he wanted to become a dancer... but at the age of 12, he lost his legs." "Now, this would be a setback for any youngster... but not Brendan, who set his eyes on being a surgeon... until, at age 14, he lost his wrists." "Without my wrists, there was nothing to keep my hands attached to my arms." "So, even though my hands were fine, I" " I lost them too." "Now, Brendan may not have had as many hands and legs as the other boys... but there was one dream he didn't let go of- becoming a professional hockey player." "At first, the other players treated him fairly." "But after seeing all the attention that Brendan was getting, they became jealous." "The special treatment stopped." "Brendan toughed it out in the minors for two brutal years." "But it all paid off when he finally got the call." "The coach said, "How would you like to be pro hockey's... first legless, handless player?"" "It was an inspiring night, full of inspiration." "But then, two days later..." "Brendan found out that his rib cage was backwards... leaving his spine exposed, and that he needed a complete muscle transplant." "The risky surgery lasted 720 hours." "Brendan came back better than ever." "Brendan persevered and was selected M. V.P." "Just when it seemed like the dark clouds had finally passed, Brendan contracted scurvy... went bankrupt, and his wife was eaten by wolves." "He was also molested by his Uncle Jerry." "Today, Brendan's journey has opened the door for many athletes... who never would have been given a chance... if he hadn't broken down pro sports' physical ability barrier." "Athletes like Emma Heathcoat, cerebral-palsy sufferer... and three-time national equestrian champ." "Blind stockcar driver, Bobby Templeton." "Deaf Olympic sprinter Craig Connors." "Gil Sarinen, the world's first professional comatose diver... and, of course, Chicago shooting guard Herbie Cohn... who was born with Judaism." "Yes, none of it would have been possible without Brendan Laroux... a true Inspirational Portrait." "In adult entertainment industry news... the nation's porn stars gathered today in Los Angeles... in a unified demand for stronger, more intense sexual intercourse." "Fuck me with your big cock!" " Give it to me harder!" " Fuck me till I explode!" "Calling the tragedy a terrible, unintentional mistake... the Los Angeles Police Department issued an apology today... for the accidental shooting, clubbing... stabbing, firebombing, choking, impaling, electrocution... and lethal-injection death of an African-American man." "I'm Kip Kendall reporting for the Onion News." " As the conflict between Sloravia and Azmenistan deepens... college campuses across this country have become a hotbed of political activity." "We're here in Santa Cruz, California today." "Let's listen in." "Stop the violence." "Stop the violence!" "Increase the peace!" "For the past three years, Sloravia and Azmenistan... they've been locked in a pointless and bloody war." "Their cowardly leaders send innocent young men into battle to die." "Well, you know what?" "We need to put those leaders in a room and let them fight it out!" "And you know what else?" "What these countries need to do, what they need to do" " Th-They need to listen to their women a little more." "Because women create life, while men, they destroy it." "So, let's all stand up against the corporate war machine... that only exists to do the imperialist agenda... against the- the oppressed minority." "Right?" "Love your brother!" "Peace!" "One love." " Excuse me, Chad." " 'Sup?" "We're with the U.N. And let me just say, we are very impressed." "What you said up there was dead on, Chad." "Dead on." "What?" "We want you to negotiate talks between Sloravia and Azmenistan." "Shut up, dude." "We're convinced you are the man who can finally bring peace to this troubled region." "Will you do it, Chad?" "Will you help us increase the peace?" " Fuck, yeah!" "Fuck, yeah, dude." "I'm in!" " Great." " Would you come with me, please?" " Yeah." "Your systematic campaign of aggression... against my country is the reason" "Our military operations are purely in response to your violation of the treaty." " You are the one to violate the peace treaty!" " We?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys." "Guys, chill, chill." "Let's take a chill pill here." "Don't you guys realize that war, no matter how justified it may seem, it's not the answer." "It's not?" "No, man." "Love is the answer." "Now, let's get this peace shit started." "# A baby's born Old man dies #" "# One child's laughing while another child cries #" "# Seasons change right before my eyes #" "# The sun comes up The sun goes down #" "# The world takes another little spin around #" "# The tide rolls out The tide rolls in #" "# Life goes on And on again ##" "In international news... the crisis between Sloravia and Azmenistan deepened today... when the leaders of the two rival nations" "Tomorrow is the deadline for Sloravia to pull out of the Uzbagiyak region." " If it's not our lead story, consider it my resignation." "Cockpuncher mania." "Two minutes, Norm." "And now, the Onion News, America's finest news source." "Honey, it's about to start." "Featuring Dana Dobbs... senior correspondent, Kip Kendall..." " and award-winning anchor, Norm Archer." " Good evening." "For the past 27 years, I've sat at this desk... dedicating myself to one thing- delivering the news to you, the American viewing public... in the most fair, balanced, serious way possible." "What's he doing?" "Well, things are changing in the news game... and I've been under pressure to change with them." "The powers that be at this network have done everything they can... to get me to compromise my values." "So what do they want me to do?" "Plug our parent company's movies... and other products like a two-bit network news whore." "Motherfucker." "Well, I've been giving this whole ugly business a lot of thought... and just a few moments before going on the air tonight..." "I finally came to a conclusion." "And that conclusion is" "Nobody move or the anchor infidel dies!" "The Al-Q'Utaya terrorist organization... officially declares war on the decadent, immoral..." "United States of Satan." "We shit on your country!" "And piss also!" "That was good." "Tonight, on live television... the American people will watch this great spreader of Western lies... get blown to pieces... unless the United States government formally apologizes... for its rotting, immoral culture." "Like that's gonna happen." "Are you listening, Mr. President?" " We might be fucked, sir." " We will do it." "We will kill him right here if you do not meet our demands!" "Oh, yeah?" "I don't think you have the balls." "Cockpuncher!" "Ahmed, it is the mighty puncher of cocks." "I'm hungry." "I could sure go for a sundae topped with... crushed nuts." "Yummy." "Cockpuncher!" "Fuck him up!" "Come on!" "I believe you'll be releasing Norm now." "Not so fast, Cockpuncher." "Cock blocked." "Those clever terrorists." "They blocked their cocks." "Maybe I can be of some assistance." " Hit it, boys!" " Melissa Cherry!" "# Oh, when you love me right up front You know that I don't mind #" "# But what I really want is for you to take me from behind #" "# Oh, when you love me right up front You know that I don't mind #" " # But what I really want is for you-#" " Come on, Cherry." "# Oh, yeah #" "What the fuck is going on?" "Ahman, think unsexy thoughts!" "Think unsexy thoughts." "Think unsexy thoughts." "Think unsexy thoughts." "Enough!" "Your immoral Western sexuality will not work on us." "Mr. President, the time has come to give in to our demands." "If we do not hear from you in 10 seconds, we will kill everyone in this studio." "We might be fucked, sir." "Ten, nine, eight... seven, six... five, four, three, two, one!" " Not so rápido." " Peruvians." " Daddy, what's a Peruvian?" " It's kind of like a Mexican." " ¡Viva Perú!" " Qué viva." "Cockpuncher, amigo" "You know, Ahman, violence is almost never necessary." "I admit, I've punched thousands upon thousands of cocks in my life... but I've never killed anyone." "Because no matter what your religion might be... no matter what your politics might be... no matter how much money's involved... there's never any reason to take human life." "Human life is the most precious thing there is." "Fuckin'" "A, man." "That's some cool shit, man..." "You know what?" "You are absolutely right, Cockpuncher." "Violence is not the answer." "Terrorism never solved anything." "To hell with terrorism." "Yeah!" "Yeah." "I'm sick and tired of living in a fucking cave." "I'm sick of doing nothing but cursing the West all day." "Jesus H. Allah!" "I like the West!" "God bless America." "I like TV!" "And I like bacon double cheeseburgers!" " Whoo!" " And I like the rapping music!" "But most of all..." "I like this big-budget blockbuster action hero." "Long live the mighty puncher of cocks!" "¡Qué viva!" "Yeah!" "Whoo!" "Hey, Norm." "Some crazy shit, huh?" "Look, with all due respect, we just wanted to ask, um... what were you gonna say during your speech?" "Yeah, we were wondering what the conclusion that you came to was." "Well, I was going to say, " I'm mad as hell and not going to take it anymore."" " But after what just happened..." " Shh." "I think I've learned a little lesson I won't soon forget." "As a matter of fact, I think we've all learned a few things in the past 90 minutes." "We've learned that Irishmen have huge nipples." "We've learned that film-critic intellectuals are a bunch of gaywads." "And, most of all, we've learned... that creeping corporate influence over the news... protects us from terrorism." "Hey, everybody, we're all gonna get laid!" "Um, I can't help but think... it must have taken a lot of courage to make such a provocative film." "And joining us to discuss just that... is the man who green-lit the film." "Thanks, Kenneth." "Pleasure to be here." "So, uh, now, while you gave the makers of this film tremendous leeway, obviously... still, there was some material that you simply refused to allow?" "That's true." "Basically, as committed as I was to letting these guys be free to do their thing... there were simply some images that I just didn't feel comfortable with." "Mm-hmm." "But I understand you did bring some clips." "That's right." "Uh, I would like to show some special bonus material." "These are scenes that didn't make it into the movie." "Great." "Let's take a look." "So what we do is we get the kitty... and we put it in a simple egg batter." "Careful." "Okay." "Shh." "That's fine." "And then we just simply roll it around... making sure we cover the whole thing." "It's all right, baby." "It's okay." "Get him completely covered in an her bed bread-crumb batter here." "I see." "Okay." "Oh!" "Thank you." "And into" " Oh- into the canola oil." "You know, I think you have to draw a line somewhere." "# Oh, when you love me right up front You know that I don't mind #" "# But what I really want is for you to take me from behind #" "# Oh, when you love me right up front You know that I don't mind #" "# But what I really want is for you to take me from behind #" "#Oh, yeah #" "#Oh, yeah #" "#Oh, yeah #" "# Oh, oh #" "# Oh, when you love me right up front #" "# You know that I don't mind No, no #" "# But what I really want is for you to take me from behind #" "# Oh, when you love me right up front You know that I don't mind #" "# But what I really want is for you to take me from behind #" "# I don't mind, no I don't mind #" "# Take me from behind, yeah #" "# I don't mind, don't mind Yeah ##" "Are you ready?" "Down on my knees." "# Baby, when we kiss my heart just skips a beat #" "# And when you hold my hand oh, I can hardly speak #" "# But there's one kind of lovin' that we can't do face to face #" "# Oh, no So let me give you some affection #" "# Just below your waist #" "# Oh, yeah I'm down on my knees for you #" "# I'm beggin' please, please for you #" "# Got so much love I need to show it #" "# It's a big job Don't wanna blow it #" "# Oh, yeah Oh, yeah #" "# Oh #" "# Baby I'm down on my knees #" "# Beggin'. please, please ##" "# Oh #" "Shoot your love, baby." "# Tell me, why must you hide #" "# That love That love you got inside Inside #" "# Ooh, ooh #" "# It's been building up so long #" "# Yeah #" "# And that feeling's oh, so strong #" "# Oh, so baby #" "# Shoot your love all over me Oh #" "# Drown me in a milky sea Love all over me #" "# Hey, baby #" "# It's you and I You and I #" "# For eternity For eternity #" "# That's why you got to shoot your love over me #" "# Oh, yeah #" "# When I look at you, baby #" "# I see a man full of spunk #" "# But what good is it to me #" "# Locked away in that trunk #" "# I don't need more roses #" "# No, that would be just reckless #" "# The gift I want from you From you #" "# Is my very own pearl necklace Oh #" "# Shoot your love all over me #" "# Hey Drown me in a milky sea #" "# Love all over me #" "# Ooh, baby #" "# It's you and I You and I #" "# For eternity For eternity #" "# That's why you got to shoot your love-#" "For the Onion News, this is Norm Archer." "Fuck you and good night." "Subtitles by LeapinLar"