"I like to think of myself as a Jeremy Clarkson sort of driver." "I like to accelerate into the corners." "Have you broke it?" "As if I could!" "These things are built to last." "Breakfast?" "Breakfast." "Ah, it's a beautiful piece of kit." "Smoother than a George Clooney chat-up line and lighter than a supermodel in a hot-air balloon." "Ah, it's wheels to thrill." "What did I tell you?" "He's a great wee boy." "Dad!" "Coming." "Coming, son." "ENGINE RUNNING" "LAUGHTER" "Ssh." "Ssh!" "All right." "It's a sort of a ritual." "Just take his hand...and wash it." "With your hands." "Right." "Get between the fingers." "Oh, what soft hands you've got, pal!" "It's Dan." "I'm Dan." "Mind if I call you Trudy, Dan?" "PHIG:" "Just wash it." "OK?" "Aye." "So it's just straight over those sand dunes there." "Right." "Like I'm an adventurer or something!" "So, this is my room." "Er..." "It's not really my room, so it's not." "My room's upstairs, the room I used to have when I was a kid." "This is my new room." "The new room of...the new me." "Present from my dad." "For the new me." "Which is kind of like the old me, only more..." "I am the new me." "New me." "Old me." "Fuck me." " No legs!" " Raaaah!" " Big cocks!" " Raaaah!" " Can't lose!" " Raaaah!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Let's fucking have 'em now." "CROWD CHEERS" "SUPPORTER:" "Come on, come on!" "I think I'm the first." "CORK POPS" "Surprise!" "My name's Tom." "Er..." "I'm the monkey that can see no evil." "Um...my name's Gabriella." "Er, you can call me Gabby." " You can't." " What did I do?" "And I'm the monkey that can hear no evil." "My name's Will." "Um..." "I'm the monkey who...um..." "CARRIE:" "Touch?" "Well, I can touch." "I've got hands." "I'm thalidomide-affected." "So he's a thalidomide-affected monkey." "He's a thunkey." "LAUGHTER" "Well, um, I'm Carrie and..." "Height." "Height no evil." "Well, my name is April and I'm the monkey who..." "I don't know." "Monkey who..." "Faced no evil?" "Well, everyone was thinking it." "Well, I'm Dan and I'm..." "I'm just evil." "faced, heighted, thunkeyed and got sucked into the dark side." "LAUGHTER" "CHEERS AND WHOOPS" "Come on, come on!" "WHISTLE" "Well done, son." "Well done." "Keep it up." "CARRIE: "Dear Cast Offs, welcome to your island..."" "Cast Offs!" "Is that what they're calling us?" "I like it." "It sounds...sexy." "Sort of like rub off... but not quite." ""Your task here is simple." "You have 90 days" ""to prove that differently-abled people can achieve..."" ""Differently-abled"?" "Not so sexy." "Sorry, Carrie, can I read that when you've finished?" "It's just your mouth is too small to lip-read from." ""...that differently-abled people can achieve self-sufficiency." ""You will have none of the comforts of home." ""For some this will be more difficult than others."" "TOM:" "I don't have my dog." "I don't have my interpreter." "I understood that bit." "You really do have a very small mouth." ""The film crew are here to watch, but will not engage." ""In an emergency, you can use the satellite phone," ""which will also be used to relay any emergency messages from home." ""You are alone here." "Good luck."" "TOM:" "Good luck indeed." "the stuff they've left us with." "canned and dried food..." "A month?" "But we're here for..." "Three." "This isn't a camping trip, we're here to prove something." "WILL:" "Pigs?" "!" "And a shotgun." "Jesus!" "TOM:" "I'm a good shot." "LAUGHTER" "No, I am, really." "Is everyone looking at me?" "Can I read it now?" "Sorry, it's just your mouth." "Yeah." "You did mention that.Yeah." "Shoot, Dan!" "Shoot!" "Shoot!" "Never mind!" "Well done." "Take the shot next time." "You're doing fine.We're losing." "Don't swim before you can fuck, mate, you're doing fine." "APPLAUSE" "WILL:" "We need to get the sleeping quarters sorted first." "APRIL:" "I think we need to map the island and, um, have an orgy." "Tom, can you take this box into the shelter?" "Aye, aye, captain." "WILL:" "Tom?" "Tom, no!" "Tom, you're going the wrong way." "You know you're going the wrong way?" "Course I fucking do." "(LAUGHS)" "You're good at throwing." "CARRIE:" "Stop!" "Everyone stop." "I'm going to allocate you all jobs." "What's she on about?" "You are going to read my little lips." "That's not a euphemism, is it?" "I don't have to read her vagina, do I?" "Right, is everybody ready?" "So I'll begin." "Fuck off, boys." "Boys, don't be... don't, don't." "Lads, don't." "Come on, seriously, don't be..." "Don't." "I'll be gentle, Trudy, I promise." "I'll just slip the tip in." "It's a ritual, Dan." "Phig, fuck off!" "It's my pants!" "Don't..." "Jim!" "LAUGHTER" "Jim!" "Yee-ha!" "I feel the need, the need for speed." "Jim!" "Jim!" "Dan?" "Are you OK?" "Jim, hang on!" "What's going on?" "Nice(!" ")" "Hi, Da." "Jim." "Trevor." "You his dad?" "Aye." "He seems like a good boy." "Yeah, yeah." "Come on, soft lad." "Let's get drunk." "Dan?" "I'll be home later, OK?" "APRIL:" "I've put some pasta on for lunch." "Do we have any special dietary requirements?" "Special dietary requirements?" "I'm slightly lactose intolerant." "I won't go into details but cream's a bad idea." "I prefer food prepared by other people." "Imagine blisters and seepage and seeping blisters." "You'll get why." "I'm a vegetarian." "You're a what?" "Vegetarian." "What's strange about that?" "You're such a meat-eater, that's what's strange about that." "I just don't like the idea of eating something that bleeds, that's all." "I have the same problem with vaginas." "That's the second time vaginas have been bought up today." "Second time what?" "Vaginas." "Oh..." "OK." "I don't want to eat April's vagina." "OK!" "No." "I'm sure it won't come to that." "Can I have the vegetarian option as well, please?" "What can I chop?" "# I am a man in a chair, boom boom" "# But I have got pubic hair, boom boom" "ALL: # I'm going to drink And puke in the sink" "# I am a man in a chair, boom boom. #" "Been a while since you've done all this, then?" "Yeah." "Um..." "My dad's taken me for a few." "It's not the same, is it, drinking with the old man?" "Aye." "Exactly." "And he's..." "It's complicated." "Is this the first time you've been out since you dinged your back?" "Yeah." "So." "This'll be the first pint you've ever had where you know for sure you won't be able to walk home at the end of the night." "Aye." "DAN:" "Kangaroos." "CARRIE:" "Terrorists." "DAN:" "Koala bears." "CARRIE:" "Terrorists?" "There's two kinds, right?" "Aborigines." "Um...were you the ones behind haggis?" "What?" "No!" "That's the Scottish." "Then terrorists is..." "Whoops!" "..pretty much all I've got." "I'm proud to be Irish." "It's a beautiful, peace-loving country." "Well, Australia is an overheated piss-stinking mosquito-infested dump." "Of what?" "This place?" "When I was a kid, I stayed with my gran." "She had a house in the middle of the bush." "And in the middle of the night I heard a thud against the window." "Followed by another, and then another, then another." "Turns out the birds would fly into the glass cos they couldn't see it." "That was scary." "This is exciting!" "You were, um... really kind earlier." "Me?" "Kind?" "No." "Filling in for April's embarrassment." "Did I?" "OK." "Maybe." "It was gallant." "Gallant?" "Really?" "It's good having another foreigner here." "We could be a bit of a team." "And what would that involve?" "Body rubs, baby oil." "That sort of thing.Oh, aye?" "INTERVIEWER:" "Dan, I suppose we just want to hear a bit about you." "Tell us about yourself." "Um..." "You're sporty, say that." "I'm not that sporty, Da." "He played inside centre for the Newcastle Falcons under-19s, so he did." "Rugby Union." "Premiership." "That's the same team that Jonny Wilkinson plays for." " Not the 19s, he doesn't." "Aye, but you met him." "Now he's joined the local wheelchair basketball team down the rec centre." "For about five minutes, before they kick me out for being shite." "He's driven." "I can drive." "And he's got ambition." "I have good GCSEs." "He's one of the kindest people I know." "My dad is profoundly unpopular and has never left the house." "But you are kind." "It's not what they want, Da." "It's exactly what they want." "It's not what they want, Da!" "Tell them jokes." "They want jokes." "They don't want jokes, Da." "They want cripples, remember?" "Do you think it's quite strange, having to dig a hole you'll later shit in?" "No." "Are you going to help?" "I suppose it works for cats." "But they dig lots of little holes, whereas you're having to judge how deep to dig for one big hole." "You're actually calculating in your head how much shit we'll accumulate over the next three months." "Hmm." "How deep do you think it should be?" "Oh, don't ask me, love." "I'm the monkey that sees no evil." "GABRIELLA:" "Jesus." "WILL:" "Yeah." "And there's some instructions here as well on how to look after them." "This one keeps staring at me." "It either wants to have sex with me or kill me." "Probably both." "What did you say?" "How pregnant are you?" "Me?" "I'm not pregnant." "It's just water retention." "I desperately need a piss." "Go on, prick it with a pin, see if it bursts." "(HE LAUGHS)" "I'm...four and a half months?" "We want them to..." "We want them to get like me." "Why don't I hang out with them a bit, and inspire them with my pelvic floor exercises?" "(LAUGHS)" "Are they fucking yet?" "No." "They're not...not fucking yet." "No." "It's working, look." "Easy!" "I think that one wants to shag you." "Dirty old pig!" "Shag, marry, kill." "Isn't it shag, marry, avoid?" "Could be kiss, cuddle, buy an allotment with, but that'd be a bit dull." "What's my choices?" "Um...me." "April." "Gabriella." "Nah, no way." "What are you afraid of?" "What am I...?" "I don't even know you." "All right, I'll go." "Marry Tom." "Kill Will." "Shag you." "Oh." "I can even guess what you'd say, if it makes it easier." "OK." "Marry April." "Easy." "Yeah, OK." "She's got perfect wife written all over her." "I bet she'd find you really good crockery." "Yeah, she's nice." "Then that leaves...me and Gabriella." "You could always go the necrophilia route." "The what?" "!" "Kill us both." "Shag us afterwards." "Nice." "LOUD CHATTER" "INAUDIBLE" "He's the man, right?" "Does he always...?" "Does he always...?" "Oh, yeah." "Always." "Oh, shit." "Trouble." "You could just say hello." "Yeah." "But I'm better brought up than that." "Right." "Right." "Show us your tits." "Fuck off, you." "Fuck off, you." "What you drinking?" "You ain't buying me diddles, limp dick." "King, country, basketball and whores." "CHEERING" "We ain't much gentlemen, us lot, are we?" "Look at us, sitting down, with you ladies with nowhere to sit." "We can get chairs." "I've got a better idea.Oi!" "Almost spilled my drink." "Almost spilled my drink." "And you can hop on too." "I'm dead heavy." "I'll crush you." "I think you've found your ideal man, honey." "I got no feeling in these pins." "# I am a man in a chair, boom boom" "# I have got pubic hair, boom boom" "# I'm going to drink And puke in the sink" "# I am a man in a chair, boom boom. #" "No way!" "Don't be rude." "You don't have to." "You don't have to." "You don't have to either." "No, but if you want, you can sit on my..." "OK." "Hey." "She's my sister." "Is she?" "Are they...?" "They're filming me." "Yeah?" "Claire's been on Streetmate, you know." "Are you OK?" "Aye." "I'm grand." "WOMEN CHEER" "Can you do that?" "No, no." "Come on, big man." "Let's show them how it's done, eh?" "Yeah, honey." "We are." "WOMEN CHEER" "GLASS SMASHES" "GLASS SMASHES Phig!" "So, are you always so...?" "What?" "I don't know." "Confident?" "No." "I'm not always so confident." "The trick is to find out how I'm really feeling underneath all the knife-cutting, self-hatred and personal anguish." "OK." "And how do I do that?" "Find out how you're really feeling?" "I don't know." "I guess I don't know how I'm feeling most of the time." "Right." "Have we done a toast yet?" "To what?" "To Spastic Island." "Our great adventure." "What, with that word?" "Our great misadventure." "This is going to be Lord Of The Flies on crack." "Are you scared too?" "We've not done a toast." "She's right." "# We're the cast-offs" "ALL: # We're the cast-offs!" "#" "That's it." "It's not really a song, I'm still working on it." "So..." "We are going to die out here." "You lot do know that, right?" "a little bit on the night of your accident?" "Well, we got a phone call at 2.04am." "I remember because I looked at the clock." "It was a very, er, official-sounding man." "But he said, um..." "I remember him saying, "We think your son's been involved in an accident."" "Which made me think...that, um..." "Our immediate thought was that our son's dead." "He was leaning over to light a cigarette." "I didn't even know he smoked." "He hit a white Volvo." "Just the side." "Didn't flip the car or..." "Or anything...glamorous." "Just banged into it, the Volvo, and then just bounced back again." "Dan said, "I didn't even have a cool tumble," he said." "He said, "Da, you know, if you're going to be hit by a Volvo," ""the most you can..." ""The least you can hope for is a TV tumble, twist and turn." ""I just slammed into a car and slammed into a wall."" "Dan?" "Oh, Daniel." "Daniel, we've got to say something." "Do we, Da?" "SPLASHING" "Dan." "Is she, er..." "Are you on?" "Should you do that in the sink?" "Urine is good for the skin, son." "I'm helping them out." "They'll have softer hands after washing in my sink." "OK." "OK." "You were in St Mary's, right?" "What?" "What?" "After your accident." "Yeah, yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "Nurse Ruth still there?" "Who?" "Who?" "Small, blonde, smiley?" "Fucked all those that could." "Angel of the bed pans." "Phig had her." "Toby had her." "She even had me when I came in for some physio work." "Well, I say fucked." "Some of us do what we can with what we've got." "Amazing, ain't it?" "I eat with it, breathe with it, fuck with it." "I am the lizard man." "It's alive." "Alive!" "ALIVE!" "You're fucking mental!" "No, son." "I'm not mental." "You know, you're going to have a day, not soon, but some time, when you'll wake up and it'll be a really fucking weird thing, but you'll sort of..." "Well, it'll just feel all OK." "Just so you know." "See you back in." "OK." "Taxi home." "You and her.No, I..." "Taxi home." "You and her.No, I..." "Ask her." "She'll go with you." "Make me feel better, cos this way we're both winners." "I'm winning, winning, winning." "I'm winning, winning, winning." "I'm winning, winning, winning." "I'm winning, winning, winning." "I'm binning the others." "Yeah." "Do you like fruities?" "No, not really." "I used to have a system for winning and then I realised I didn't." "Do you wanna go back to your place?" "What?" "What?" "Your place." "Yeah." "It'll be here in a minute or two." "Yeah." "My bag." "Oh." "You know what a...?" "Yeah, yeah." "I'm not wearing any pants either." "Don't..." "It's just..." "I can't get this thing out of my head." "What thing?" "That Jim..." "I don't know." "Go on." "What thing?" "Paid you." "Paid me what?" "No..." "You think I'm a prostitute?" "No!" "No..." "I said paid, not a prostitute." "I mean..." "I don't know, it's just..." "I don't know." "I don't know what I mean." "What's funny?" "What's funny?" "You." "You're funny." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "A prostitute?" "Sorry." "That's pretty shit." "No." "I'm not a prostitute." "Just on a shit night out, I don't know." "My sister was supposed to be giving me a good time tonight." "Bad relationship break-up." "Then she got hijacked." "And then you..." "I just..." "I just wanted to be normal for a bit." "This isn't normal." "I'm not normal." "I know!" "ENGINE APPROACHES" "Look...you'll do for me if I'll do for you, OK?" "OK." "I'm fine, Dad, all right?" "It's through here." "Shall I put the telly on?" "Aye." "I like fire." "I like the way it's sort of bad and sort of isn't." "Maybe we should put some potatoes on it, and bake them in foil." "No way - it'll take me back to my days in the Scouts." "Bad days?" "Bad days?" "Bad?" "I wasn't good at tying knots, so they raped me." "LAUGHTER" "So, come on then, how did everyone end up here?" "We were brought here." "By the man on the boat." "The one who smelt vaguely of semen and used women's hand cream." "No." "Why's everybody here?" "On the island?" "You know, a teacher once told me that the secret to life isn't what..." "I'm here for the wildlife." "I've always wanted a wild life." "I just thought it could be an amazing experience." "I was promised women." "And guns." "Well, women with guns." "I've been very disappointed so far." "So come on, Dan the man." "Why are you here?" "I don't know." "Yeah, you do." "DOOR OPENS" "We were just talking, love." "OK." "OK, Mum." "It's OK." "Do you want me to...?" "Do you want me to...?" "No." "I'll get a taxi from the high street." "Bye." "Bye." "Cup of tea?" "Aye." "Do you want a cup?" "I'm making your dad one anyway, so..." "Aye." "I'll have a cup of tea." "When I first got out of hospital, at the start I wouldn't leave the house." "And then one lunch time my dad came home early and we both went to the park together and sat on a bench." "He folded my chair and sat it underneath, and he brought these sandwiches out of nowhere and sat beside me, gave me a wee pat on the leg and said, "There, you see?" ""Just a couple of blokes having a bite."" "It took about a week before we stopped folding the chair, and a fortnight before we..." "we didn't even need sandwiches." "After that we'd just wheel around." "It was my dad's way of, you know, getting used to everyone staring." "You know what I mean?" "He gave up his every lunch time." "We'd probably be doing it now, if I was home." "Anyway, er..." "This is the next step." "This here is the next step for..." "I'm talking through my arse, aren't I?" "No, Dan." "No, it's lovely." "It's a lovely thought." "Lovely." "A guy told me once that, er, I'd have this day, some day when everything would feel really weird, that I'd start to feel OK about... about who I am." "I didn't think it would come so soon, but I think maybe today is that day." "Come on." "What?" "What?" "Well, after heart-wrenching displays of sincerity" "I always think a skinny dip's a great emotional cleanser." "What are you doing?" "Getting naked!" "Skinny dipping." "I'm game." "Will wants to get his manhood out!" ""Manpud"." "Grrrr!" "What about the cameras?" "Fuck the cameras." "The cameras are going to watch us shit." "We've got to get used to them." "What about my chair?" "What about my chair?" "But, but, but, but, but." "Just so as you know, today is not the day." "This is not the day that everything's all right, just so you know." "You're not there yet." "But you'll get there." "We'll all help you." "Come on." "KNOCK AT DOOR" "You still up?" "I'm chatting with someone on Facebook." "Who?" "Ian." "Ian from school?" "Ian from school." "I haven't heard about him for..." "Well, since school." "Aye." "Dan and him were in a band together." "Da..." "Da..." "Dan used to play the drums." "Ian used to sing and do guitar." "Nirvana covers, mostly." "I haven't heard about him for..." "Well, since school." "He's just my friend on Facebook." "I've lots of them from way back." "Does he know about...?" "It's not in my status thing." ""Dan is 26, single," ""not religious, not political, and oh, he's in a wheelchair."" "So, how did it go with, er...?" "I didn't shag her." "OK." "It wasn't right." "It wasn't...romance." "Jesus." "You wait for romance, you'll be waiting a while." "No." "I just..." "Yeah, I know." "Yeah, you're right to wait." "I'm not a virgin, Da!" "I never said you were." "Time for bed, OK?" "You don't tell me my bedtime any more, Dad." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know." "I moved out of here three years ago, so I did." "I moved out of here three years ago, so I did." "You're my big Dan, OK?" "Yeah." "I'm off to Bedfordshire." "# I am a man in a chair, boom boom" "# But I've got pubic hair, boom boom" "# I'm going to drink And puke in the sink" "# Oh, I'm a man in a chair boom boom. #" "SHRIEKING AND LAUGHTER" "Come on!" "Yeah!" "Come on!" "Yes!" "Guys!" "Fucking hell!" "Guys!" "Fucking hell!" "See you later, Dan." "Guys!" "Guys!" "Argh!" "Guys!" "Fuck!"