"Number 83 on my list... was "Never took the time to teach Randy how to blow a bubble. "" " That was closer." " This is impossible." "Come on now." "I know you can do this." "I've seen you do it once before." "Remember when you were dating that Camdenite girl?" "Whatever happened with that Camdenite girl?" "I thought you two were gonna be a item." "I accidentally killed her." "Order up." "Oh." "Okay." "That's uh-That's cool, I guess." "I'm kidding." "She is dead though." "Terrible car wreck." "They never did find her head." "I'm sorry to hear that." "I'm just kiddin'." " We just broke up." "She's in truck driving school." " Randy, you never told me that." "You just told me the car wreck thing." "I've been thinking she was dead and headless for the last five months." "Yeah, sometimes I like to let my jokes age like a fine wine." "Did Uncle Roger really get killed by a bear last year?" "Wait for it." "My name is Earl." "That was better." "You didn't fall off your stool this time." "Now, you go stand and face the claw machine... and think about what you've done." " What was that all about?" " Blatant disrespect." "I specifically told that boy to stay away from Eugenia's daughter Tiffany... and I come home from getting a mole burned to find the two of them... sitting on top of the Andersons' old fridge, holding hands." "Oh, come on, Joy." "He's got a girlfriend." "That's sweet." "No son of mine is gonna date something that fell out of Eugenia's devil chute." "That woman is evil." "If there is a Lord above... he'll sucker punch her with double eye cancer." "We have reason to believe Eugenia's been stealing our Valu-Paks." "What if I want my closets remodeled?" "Custom blinds, air duct cleaning, concrete resurfacing?" "Hell, we might want to take the family to the dentist." "Do you know how expensive that is without a coupon?" "Damn it!" "Who gave him a taco?" "There are no tacos in time-out!" "I feel bad for Dodge." "It's probably for the best." "That little girl... will just break his heart anyway." "Build him up full of hope with her sweet little smile... and pretty little eyes... and then pull the rug of love out from under him... send him crashing to the floor with nothing to catch him but the cold, cold world." "Bitches." "Little 10-year-old bitches." "Randy was a little bitter." "His first love wasn't as great as the '80s power ballads made it out to be." "One summer, as punishment... our parents sent us to the lake for a month with our Aunt Gail." "Boys, when you're finished with my laundry, I need you to get in here." "I feel a rash creepin' on." "I need one of you boys to hold up my back skin... while the other one gives me a good once-over with the fan." "I call the fan." "After we finished our chores, we went out and spent our allowance." "Unfortunately, Aunt Gail paid us in rocks." "Randy was a master at skipping rocks." "And I stunk at it." "My cousin wanted me to bring you this note." "Oh, sweet." "She must have noticed I'm growing out my 'stache." "It's for the Skipper." "We call you the Sinker." ""Skipper..." ""Do you like me?" ""'Cause if you like me..." ""then I like you too." "Heart, Pinky. "" "Pinky was the first girl who "like"liked Randy... and he took full-full advantage of it." "# Do you like me #" "# Well, I hope you do #" "# 'Cause if you like me #" "# Then I think I'm gonna have to like you too #" "# We'll share our things #" "# And have some fun #" "# Then we'll say good-bye #" "# And go back home when the day is done #" "# If you tell me #" "# I'll tell you too #" "# And we'll say the things #" " # And do the things that lovers do ##" " Earl!" "She says she's gonna let me kiss her tonight on the bridge." "I'm gonna try and go under the shirt and over the bra." "I bet she stuffs her bra with some really nice tissue." "Randy waited on the bridge for three hours that night... but Pinky never showed up." "I looked for her for the rest of the summer, but she was gone." "I never saw her again." "You know, you should look Pinky up, find out what happened to her." "Can we, Earl?" "Can we find Pinky?" "That was 20 years ago." "You don't even know her real name." "So what?" "Remember that guy I found sleeping in the back of the El Camino the other morning?" "I didn't know his name, and he was easy to find." "Randy, it's a bad idea." "It'll end badly." "I know it." "But knowing something's gonna end badly has never stopped us before- like driving with our feet or drinking an entire fish aquarium." " Randy" " Earl..." "Pinky was the only girl who ever loved me." "Now, it might be crazy, but Darnell's right." "I should try and find her." "Please?" "Fine." "It only took us 45 minutes to get to the lake... but it felt like three hours, 'cause Randy changed the lyrics... of every song on the radio to "Pinky, Pinky, Pinky, Pinky. "" "1984." "Boy, that's a long time ago." "In 1984, I could lift both arms over my head." "Now all I can do is this." "If my nose itches..." "I gotta rub my face against the side of a tree!" "Anyway, her-her name was Pinky, and she called me Skipper." "We rented a boat here once." "She used her father's credit card." "Well, I guess I can check the old receipts for you, see if I can find somethin'." "Oh, and she had pink hair." "Wait." "Pink hair?" "Oh." "She's dead, son." "What?" "No." "Just kiddin'!" "Zing!" "That is my kind of guy." "How cool is this, Earl?" "It's a beautiful day..." "I've got your best pair of underwear on... and we're gonna find my first love again." "Randy, that old guy's been looking through receipts for six hours." "Just promise me you won't get your hopes up." "Even if we find her, which I doubt... she could be married or not even remember you." "I won't get my hopes up." "But I'm sure we'll find her, and of course she's gonna remember me." "And if she's married, she'll get a divorce... so we can move to Connecticut and live together in a little yellow house on Maple Street... with our three children, Brett, Tyler and Lizzy." "How's that not gettin' your hopes up?" "Lizzy has cerebral palsy, Earl." " Well, I found her." " Seriously?" "Yeah." "Uh, it took a few phone calls... but I got ahold of her a few hours ago." "I told her a guy named..." "Skipper... was looking for her, and she got all excited." "She remembers me." "Earl, she remembers me." " I heard, Randy." " Oh, yeah." "She" " She's on her way." "Said she could be up here around 4:00... and told me to tell you to meet her on the bridge." "Oh, my God, Earl." "We're late." "We're gonna miss her!" "Well, what's wrong with you?" "I'm just worried it's gonna end badly." "What did she sound like?" "Oh, she sounded like a real ride on the "A" train." "Not that I could do anything about it now." "My penis lost all feeling in 1993." "A couple of years ago, I lit a match to it." "Nothin'." "Ah, people are living too long, I tell ya." "Too damn long." "There she is." "Wait." "How am I?" " Not great." " Boogers?" "Three mediums... and a large." "Breath?" "Fritos, and I'm gonna say... olives." "Let's do this." "Pinky?" " Randy?" " Joy?" "Oh, snap." "Oh, snap." "Oh, snap." "Oh, snap." "What the hell's goin' on?" " Joy?" " Are you guys playing some kind of joke on me?" " Where's Skipper?" " I'm Skipper." " Shut up." " I am." "I'm Skipper." "Look." "I still have that note you gave me." "I keep it in my wallet, in that plastic sleeve where grown-ups keep their credit cards." " How come you didn't show up that night?" " What are you talking about?" " You broke up with me." " No, I didn't." "Of course you did." "It was in your note to me." " What note?" " The note your brother gave me." "The note he gave me." "Though it didn't occur to me... that Pinky would turn out to beJoy in a wig... this is what I meant when I said it would end badly." "You see, I hadn't been completely honest with Randy." "Every day Randy spent with Pinky... was another day I was stuck doing chores for Aunt Gail by myself." "# Cheat the odds that made you #" "While Randy was having the time ofhis life, I was wishing my life would end." "# Well, I feel like dirty laundry #" "# Sending sickness on down the line #" "I was both miserable andjealous." "While Randy was having fun, I was being forced to look at my almost-naked Aunt Gail... in such detail that I could still close my eyes and paint her today." "And by the time my little brother told me he was gonna get to kiss a girl before I did..." "I'd had enough." "I decided to get there early and end it." " # Understand me ## - " Dear Pinky..." ""I found someone else." "If this upsets you..." ""go cry into one of your boobs." "I hate you." "Skipper. "" "Sorry." "That's when I decided I might be able to kill two birds with one stone." "I could have Randy back and make sure I kissed a girl before he did." "Pedophile!" "Pedophile!" "How could you do that?" "She was my first love." "Love?" "Please." "It was chilly on the lake, and you blocked the wind." " Randy" " Don't." "Don't." "It was 20 years ago." "I-I was a kid." "I had to hold Aunt Gail's back fat all by myself." "It was slippery." "I needed you!" " Can I have a ride?" " Whatever." "So I've been dreaming about kissing Randy all these years?" "Now I'm questioning my taste in everything." "Like, is Darnell really hot?" "Are Christians really the best?" "Maybe I don't even like Sinbad." "Oh, God." "I feel sick." " What are you doin'?" " I'm not sleeping next to you anymore." "And good luck cutting your own toenails and clipping your own nose hairs from now on too." "I can't wait to have a front row seat to that train wreck." "Come on, Randy." "You're being crazy." "Oh, oh, oh." "You think I'm crazy?" "I'll show you crazy." "Buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy!" "Brother." "Remember, you're my brother." "Same mom." "I'm the only one who knows how to write a check." "I've read your list, Earl." "Sometimes I take it... in the bathroom when there are no comics, and this isn't on it." "Now, why would you spend so much time trying to teach me how to blow a stupid bubble... when you could have been making up for this?" "Because I was too ashamed to put it on the list." "B" " But look." "It's on here now." "Number 277- broke up Randy and Pinky." "And I'm not gonna do another list item until I make up for this." "Look." "Let's figure this out." "How can I make this right?" "I wanna make out with Pinky." "Randy, you can't really want to make out with Joy." "She's horrible to you." "You took away my opportunity to share a kiss with the one girl that ever loved me." "Now, I know on the outsideJoy looks mean, and on the inside she is mean... but somewhere inside that is Pinky." "And I wanna touch that part of her with my tongue." "Now, if you want to cross me off your list, you need to make it happen." "Getting Joy to make out with Randy... was gonna be the hardest thing I ever had to do." "But out of respect, before I even asked her... the first thing I had to do was get permission from Darnell." "It's fine with me." "Skipper was part ofJoy's prenup." "Oh, my God." "Yes." "Yes." "Yes!" "I will spend the rest of my life with you, Darnell Turner." "Okay." "Let's figure out our freebies." "Mine's my first love." "Guy named Skipper." " What's a freebie?" " We each get to pick one person... we can still have sex with if we get the chance." "And anything goes." "You don't even have to use a condom if you don't want to." "Oh, my God." "We're getting married!" "I still can't believe her freebie is Randy." "Makes me feel better about picking Anna Nicole Smith." "Yeah, she got pretty fat, didn't she?" " She's dead." " No." "She's dead, man." "Come on." "You're-You're kiddin'." "You're trying to get me back for me and Randy messing with you about the Camdenite girl." "I'm not kidding." "She's dead." "Couple years now." "Wow." "To Anna Nicole." "One of the good ones." "Damn straight." "With Darnell's permission, I was clear to try and seal the deal." "With Darnell's permission, I was clear to try and seal the deal." "You gotta be outta your mind." "Come on, Joy." "It's just one kiss." "What's the big deal?" "Darnell's cool with it." "No means no, Earl." "My body, my choice." "Hear me roar." "Kiss my grits." "Son of a bitch!" "More I tell that boy... he can't hang out with Eugenia's daughter, the more time he spends with her." "Of course he's not gonna listen to you." "No kid takes dating advice from their parents." "Fine." "You break up my son and that future streetwalker... and I'll allow Randy to kiss me... with his slimy, Cheeto-covered, cow-size tongue." "You sure you're gonna do this?" "Yeah." "I've had worse things in my mouth." "I normally don't do mean things to children... but I was gonna have to put Tiffany on my list to cross Randy off it." ""Dear Tiffany, I never want to talk to you again." ""If you ask me about this note, I will say I never wrote it..." ""but I did, so don't even ask me." ""I hate you." "You smell like poo." "Dodge. "" "I'm sorry." "I" " I'm just the messenger." "Oh, it's okay, sweetie." "And you shouldn't tell anyone about this." "Nobody needs to know." " It can be our little secret." " Pedophile!" " No, no, no, no, no." "W-We're just" " Pedophile!" "We're just" "I'm not a pedophile!" "With Dodge and Tiffany broken up..." "Joy agreed to keep good on her promise to tongue down my brother." " Hello, Pinky." " Hey, Randy." "Skipper." "So, I thought we'd start with a little orange soda- your favorite, if I remember correctly." "Then I thought we'd listen to a little Bobby Brown." "Also your favorite, if memory serves." "And I thought we could play tic-tac-toe." "I believe our record stands at Pinky, 87, Skipper, zero." "Randy, it's been 20 years." "I traded in orange soda for strawberry wine when I was 13... and I stopped listening to Bobby Brown once he started picking doody out of Whitney Houston." "Let's just get this over with." "Swish this around in your mouth like you're washing your mouth with it." " It's called mouthwash." " I know what mouthwash is." "We used to drink it when Dad would lock up his whiskey." "That's not mouthwash." "Nope." "It's rubbing alcohol, bleach and green food coloring." "I didn't think Scope alone would kill whatever lives inside... that disgusting petri dish you call a mouth." "All right." "Let's do this." "This is stupid." "No." "Come on." "Just get it over with." "Look." "If you don't do it in the next 10 seconds... you're gonna have to take another swig of green bleach." "It's not about the kiss." "I'm trying to feel something..." "I felt when we were kids, and it's not gonna happen." "It's never gonna happen again." "Ever sinceJoy found out Randy was Skipper... she stopped remembering Skipper and could only think of Randy." "But something about seeing him skip those rocks made her go back." "Back to a simpler time where two kids... full of innocence, spent their summer together." "Oh, snap." "Oh, snap." "She remembered how sweet Randy was." "Oh, snap." "And how much he loved her." "No matter how crazy it was toJoy now, Randy was her first love." "And I didn'tjust rob Randy of what he had that summer." "I robbed her too." "# Do you still like me #" "# Well, I hope you do #" "# 'Cause if you still like me #" "# Then I think I'm gonna have to still like you #" "# We'll share our things #" "# And have some fun #" "# Then we'll say good-bye #" "# And go back home when the day is done #" "# If you tell me #" "# I'll tell you too #" "# And we'll say the things #" "# And do the things that lovers do #" "I forgot how nice that was." "Me too." "I think I should let Dodge spend some time with Tiffany." "You should." "Everyone deserves to feel like that." "Even if it's just once." "You have that with Crabman all the time, huh?" "Yep." "You're lucky." "I know." "I think I'm gonna have that with someone one day too." "So do I, Randy." "So do I." "Oh, what the hell." "You're my freebie." "# Let's say good-bye #" "# And go back home now the day is done ##"