"Previously onrescue me... congratulations, probie." "You're now officially a member of the brotherhood of dysfunctional action junkies." "You stopped being Tommy Gavin today, and you started playing mother hen to that kid." "I promised his mother that I would keep an eye on him." "From now on, Damien is with Lou." "Knowing that whenever he goes into a fire, you're going to be right by his side just makes everything better." "So, the benefit for Garrity, help him out with his medical expenses at the bar this Saturday night." "Maybe you could have your girlfriend invite some of her friends." "You know, I'm sure she's got some hot fillies in her stable, right?" "Yeah." "Couple of bulls, too, I think." "Carla's not a dyke, Lou." "It was the guys, all right?" "You know, they met you, and, you know, they said they were picking up a slight vive." "Oh!" "What vibe?" "I am not..." "an alcoholic." "I'm going to spend the rest of my time on this particular planet drinking." "You set some example for your sponsee derek there." "Mike says that once Sean's mom and brother take off," "I can move in with those guys." "If they ever find out stupidity's contagious, you could be in trouble." "We are being nice to each other to gain back our daughter's love and affection." "We're having sex because it is mutually pleasurable." "You knew jonny bones?" "Sadly, I never met the man." "Turn the camera off." "No, no, no." "I know you're not angry at me, you're angry at the system, and..." "I am angry at the system, but unfortunately for you, the system doesn't happen to be here." "Will you hold my drink, please?" "And..." "hey get, off me!" "Hey!" "Oh!" "I love eggs." "I do." "And bacon." "Ooh, I love the bacon." "L... anything with bacon, really, you know, like salad or bits or cheeseburgers." "I love cheeseburgers." "Ohh." "I would eat bacon 24/7, only I don't need my ass going all Kim kardashian on me." "You know, whoo-ooh?" "I don't think you have to worry about that." "You still love my ass, don't you?" "Yeah." "Of course." "Best ass ever." "You don't think it's too fat?" "No." "Would you even tell me if you did?" "Yes." "Don't start that now, 'cause you know, I tell you this all the time." "I mean, you could..." "literally, you could eat that plate of bacon every day." "You'd have to eat all the neighborhood bacon every morning." "You could eat all the American bacon and all the canadian bacon." "You'd have to, you know... you're tiny, and you're a little spinner." "What made you say canadian bacon?" "L... you know." "I was just talking about how much bacon you'd have to eat." "You know what I mean?" "I just used canadian bacon 'cause I don't think think there's a european... they don't have their own..." "'cause what's-her-face is from toronto." "Uh, I don't think I know what we're talking about anymore." "That chick... from Jennifer's birthday party." "You know the one, the one with the big tits, the blonde with the angora sweater that you were talking to and flirting with..." "I wasn't flirting with her." "And making googoo eyeballs at." "What am I talking about?" "You don't even know who Jennifer is, much less her birthday party, or the fact that that fatass bimbo is from canada." "But I bet you do remember her tits, right?" "As a matter of fact, I bet that you are picturing her tits right now in your head." "I'm not..." "I..." "OK." "OK." "L..." "I didn't know she was from canada, and the only reason..." "I'm not even thinking about..." "I'm thinking about the sweater is what I'm picturing, because you br... you know, talked about the..." "the... because... it was fluffy." "That's what you just reminded me of." "Oh." "Was it fluffy?" "Did you want to pet it 'cause it was so fluffy and filled with fake tit?" "'Cause, you know, those tits were fake." "They're faker than donatella versace's forehead." "And I ain't making you a goddamn fritta, you ass-face!" "Maybe I should make you a tittata, huh?" "Maybe a fluffy titta?" "Listen..." "just shut it down." "You brought up..." "shh." "Would you like red and green peppers, or just red?" "You know, whatever." "Whatever." "Just, you know... whatever?" "Mean, you know, whatever... whatever you're chopping there, it's great... everything's good." "It's all good." "What?" "No, no." "Sheil..." "I... listen." "Sheila." "Wait." "I didn't..." "I never thought about that..." "Christ." "Good morning, sunshine." "What did... what did I say?" "What'd you say?" "First of all, you said, "fluffy."" "Then, you said "whatever" when she asked you about red or green peppers." "What you should have said was either," ""oh, both." "Both would be fantastic, baby,"" ""or almost immediately, "you treat me so goddamn good"" "as you snuggled up behind her and gave her a great big hug." "But you didn't." "It's OK." "Let's forget about the peppers for a moment." "I need to know when are you going to tell her about the new situation with Damian?" "Because, by the way, as I told you, I'm fine with it 'cause I love Lou." "I trust Lou." "I figure between you and Lou and the pussy," "Damian's dynamite." "Which pussy?" "Which pussy?" "What do you... you know, the kid." "The kid with the hair and the skin creams." "Silletti." "Whatever." "The point is... the point is, I know Damian's in good hands, right?" "But you better let her know now, God damn it." "What?" "Whatever." "Oh, shit." "It's her." "What have you... what have you got?" "My meds." "I forgot my meds." "That's why I was a little jumpy before." "Oh!" "Vegetables." "So..." "I, uh..." "I wanted to tell you something." "Shoot." "How many of those do you take?" "You really want to know?" "This is ativan." "Right." "For anti-anxiety." "This is xanax, also for anti-anxiety because my shrink doesn't want to tell her doctor friend that the ativan isn't enough to calm me down, so I got to go to a second shrink and really pour it on with her" "so that she'll get her doctor friend to double me up, which is nice." "Now, this one is the adderall, which counteracts how sleepy these 2 make me and also gives me an extra little boost in the morning, you know, just so that I'm really, really excited about the day ahead." "And then, these are related to my libido and my terror sweats that I get." "What did you want to tell me?" "Uh, you get terror sweats?" "I do." "Well..." "I... what did I want?" "I wanted to... wanted to tell you," "how... cute and... sexy your little round ass is." "That's what I was... is that true?" "Yup!" "It's so nice of you to make me this big breakfast and... yeah." "That's what I was going to tell you." "Don't get it." "I got to." "Yeah?" "Morning, Tom." "You got the news on this morning?" "No." "Why don't you put it on channel 12 and get your ass down here pronto, shithead?" "OK." "Turn that TV on, channel 12." "See the cover of thedaily newstoday?" "No." "Well, you're on the front page, my friend." "Do me a favor promise me you'll sign my copy first." "The system doesn't happen to be here." "Will you hold my drink, please?" "And... what are you doing?" "Oh, no." "Firefighter Gavin then started... wait, wait, wait, wait, wait." "What can only be described as a drunken brawl." "That was my first drink." "I hadn't even taken a sip of that yet." "Jumped in to break up the... dedication deteriorated into chaos." "You are so cute when... when I'm angry?" "No." "When you're fighting." "At the time, the 2 were fighting..." "I got to go." "Aw, man." "Son of a bitch!" "What?" "I got Irish influenza." "I only meant to have one drink last night." "Just unwind, sitting at my local." "I was feeling pretty good then the late news comes on, and there you are..." "true to form, carrying on like an asshole." "OK..." "only this time, this camera's in the room." "So one becomes 2, 2 becomes 4, 4 becomes 8." "Congratulations, Tommy." "You're the first man who's ever driven me to drink, other than the mets." "I wasn't drinking." "No?" "What was that, iced tea in your rocks glass?" "It was my first drink." "I hadn't taken a sip of it yet." "Listen." "You, me, and bonesy used to go out and get shitfaced together all the time, and we ended up having an argument about which guy was the least shitfaced cause that was the guy that was going to drive home, OK?" "He was a great fireman, he was a good guy, and that sleazy, fat prick was trying to use his memory for a political campaign." "He's a politician." "That's what they do." "I didn't go in there looking for trouble." "You never do, Tommy, but it always seems to be going off in your vicinity." "But hey, that's why you do what you do and I do what I do." "Yeah." "That's right." "I fight fires, and you push paper." "Yeah." "That joke never gets old." "No joke, pal." "What happened to us, Tommy, huh?" "We went to the academy together." "Yeah." "We did jobs together." "We lost brothers together." "And we looked out for each other." "We were friends." "Yep." "We were." "You treat Jerry this way?" "Huh?" "Did you give him agita on a daily basis to the point where he's shitting blood?" "Tell me something, Tommy." "Am I going to end up with a gun in my mouth, too?" "Go ahead." "That's it." "Hit your superior officer." "Yeah, I will." "Do it." "Yeah." "Here." "Take this." "Split my skull open." "You stupid son of a bitch." "Don't you think I would love to throw on the bunker gear and charge into a burn with you again?" "I can't do that anymore." "I got a responsibility to the families of these men to keep them safe." "God forbid you die," "I got to go to your house," "I got to ring your bell and I got to tell Janet her husband's never coming home." "Then I got to tell colleen that her father's not going to be at her wedding." "And then I got to tell katy that daddy's dead." "Faggot." "Pussy." "All right, look." "Here's the deal." "You quit drinking for a while, and then I can tell the brass we got all this under control." "Now, if you refuse, our new probie, your godson, who I fought to get in this house... yeah." "Because you begged me to do the right thing by him and you..." "mm-hmm." "He'll be relieved of all the shit duties as they pertain to cleaning this place." "And those duties will fall on you." "I'm not doing that shit." "A week." "Quit drinking for a week." "I can do that in my sleep." "How about 2?" "OK." "The deal is 30 days." "You quit drinking for 30 days." "In a row?" "This is better than watching one of those Jason bourne movies." "We got any popcorn?" "I sent the probie down the block to get some." "Swear to God, I haven't seen Tommy clean a thing in this fire house since he was strung out on happy pills." "Do you think he's on happy pills now?" "Do I look like I'm on goddamn happy pills, asshole?" "Turn the camera off, Lou." "Ooh, close-up." "Close-up." "Nope." "Happy pills or not, he does have a knack for this." "Yeah." "You see what he did in the bathroom?" "Aw, amazing." "Beautiful, man." "I had a hard time dropping a deuce in that toilet, it was so clean." "Had 4 cups of coffee and bran flakes for breakfast." "You had bran flakes?" "Yeah." "We're all out of pancake batter." "And the urinals," "I could see my reflection in the porcelain." "It was like taking a piss on my own face." "And there he is get the popcorn?" "Yeah." "Good." "Go throw it in the nuker 'cause we need more treats." "Hey, you guys aren't going to believe what I just saw across the street." "What did you see across the street?" "No sudden moves." "We don't want to frighten her off." "Hi." "Can we help you?" "Privet." "Oh, DA, DA." "DA." "Upstairs." "OK." "Um, hey, davy, would you take this lovely young lady upstairs to see needles?" "Chief Nelson." "DA!" "DA." "DA." "All right, Davey." "You got it Lou." "Thank you." "OK." "Who the hell is that, and why is she looking for needles?" "Well, that, my dear friends, is Mrs. Needles." "Since when is there a Mrs. Needles?" "Since about 2 weeks ago, when she came over from russia." "This is the thing Feinberg was talking about, mail-order bride." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "So needles got a russian mail-order bride?" "Yes, says Feinberg." "You know, apparently he was so tired of taking shit from far less attractive American women... who isn't?" "That he jumped online and ordered himself a bride." "I thought he was already married." "Was married." "Nasty divorce." "The wife got everything..." "alimony, the kid." "You don't have to worry about any of that shit with a russian mail-order bride." "Yeah, what, do they grow them on, like, farms over there or something?" "Well, not really." "It's the second biggest export in russia next to vodka... good-lookin' broads." "Man, I'd love to introduce her to Dr. Zhivago." "Did you just refer to your shit as Dr. Zhivago?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Just with russian chicks, though." "You know, if they're Irish chicks, it's Michael collins, with French chicks, it's napoleon british chicks, it's king Arthur." "King Arthur, huh?" "Yeah." "It used to be David beckham, but too many chicks have seenbend it like beckham, so got a little dangerous, you know." "She had an amazing frame, huh?" "Yeah." "I like her pussy belt." "Mm-hmm." "What the hell's a pussy belt?" "It's a super short skirt, like it's just there to hold up the pussy." "Or her underwears." "She's not wearing any." "Excuse us?" "Yeah." "That's what I was trying to tell you guys." "I saw her getting out of her car." "I got a full-on, low angle britney Spears." "Oh, my God." "A glorious sight like that wasted on a probie." "Wow." "That's not fair." "Is there anything else of interest you have to tell us?" "Birthmarks, Bush size, any sign at all of male-female genitalia?" "Uh, well, if she did just come from russia, then it must be unseasonably warm there because she's totally shaved." "Oh!" "A shaved russian." "Oh, it sounds like a drink." "So, Mrs. Needles is walking around the firehouse wearing a pussy belt and no underwears." "Says the probie." "What, you think I'm lying?" "Have you ever even seen a real, life, breathing vagina?" "I'm not talking about in a magazine or on the internet." "I'm talking live in the flesh." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Franco's right." "We need confirmation." "You can't leave this shit to the word of a probie." "It's too crucial." "I feel a bet coming on, son." "All right." "Here's the thing." "Here's the thing." "The first one of us that gets confirmation that Mrs. Needles is parading around without panties underneath her pussy belt is the winner." "Winner of what?" "A first-hand, up-close look at Mrs. Needles' vagina." "They'll sleep tonight." "When did you learn how to speak russian?" "Russian phone sex lines." "Yeah." "I was thinking about picking up a second language and I was really horny, so, you know, 2 birds, one stone." "OK." "Well, let's see where we were." "Ahh." "OK." "And action, Tommy." "Thanks for bringing down the borscht, babe." "Listen, I'd walk you out, but the phones are going crazy." "You going to be all right?" "DA." "DA." "Oh, hi." "Hi." "How, you doing?" "L... sorry." "I didn't see you coming." "I just got my head in these reports, you know." "I drop my..." "I dropped my pencil." "I'm going to need that later." "OK." "Well, it's nice seeing you again." "And have a good day." "I got some work to do down here." "I'll see you around." "God damn." "What the hell's the matter with you?" "Am I getting fat?" "ER?" "Yeah." "16." "Oh." "Hey." "Did you find him?" "Chief Nelson?" "DA, DA." "Ah, good." "Huh?" "Yeah, sure." "Hey, don't be shy, girl." "Come on in." "Sure." "Rest yourself." "Yeah." "Thank you." "Sure." "I'm just getting in a little workout." "I'm a boxer, so got to stay fit." "Shoulders, arms, chest." "Abs." "Oh!" "God damn." "Son of a bitch." "Douchebag." "Asshole." "Shitface." "Hi." "Who is it?" "Get out here." "What the hell are you doing?" "Didn't I tell you to clean the rig?" "Yeah." "I cleaned the top part." "Now," "I'm cleaning the bottom." "Very thorough." "Yes." "Did you see snezyana?" "Snezyana." "Um, a white waiter hat, Brown skirt?" "Yeah." "See the legs?" "Oh, yeah." "My wife." "Nice." "All right." "Go clean the storeroom when you get done, handsome." "It's a mess." "You got it." "Hi." "Are you kidding me?" "Nope." "Well, did you see it?" "What do you think?" "Let me put it this way..." "I'm a new toolbox away from being her gynecologist." "Bye." "Ow!" "Shit." "God damn it." "It's like cleaning stevie wonder's goddamn basement in here." "Hey." "Shit!" "Hey." "What are you doing here?" "You OK?" "Yeah." "What's going on?" "Ah, the guys told me that needles has you in the doghouse." "OK, listen." "I had a drink in my hand, but I had not even..." "I just came to show you this." "What is it?" "It's a letter from katy." "Oh." "Yeah." "Yes." "And what a great day she had shopping with us and having lunch and the whole... honey, really?" "OK." "And she actually mentioned me as mom 4 times, not to mention the "dear mom" at the top." "Oh, that's awesome." "And this is the perfect situation and location." "Mmm!" "For a quickie." "No, no, no." "No, honey, no." "Don't." "Sweetheart." "Yes." "We used to do this all the time." "I know." "Honey..." "it was so good." "Doghouse." "Honey, it was so good." "Doghouse." "Needles gave me a..." "those delicious eyes." "Honey." "No." "No." "You... yes, yes." "What..." "Jesus Christ." "Come on." "That's right." "That's right." "That's right." "Oh, my God, honey." "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph." "Baby, wait." "OK." "I can't... unh." "Can you see?" "No." "There we go." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, this is going to be quick, honey." "Tom?" "Tommy?" "Yeah?" "Yeah?" "Everything all right in there?" "Yes!" "Scrubbing." "You guys got to start picking up after yourselves." "I'm not..." "I'm not a maid!" "Yep." "OK." "Oh, my God." "Oh, that was awesome." "Ohh." "Oh, my God." "See?" "Oh, my God, that was good." "OK, we got to clean up." "Ohh." "Holy shit." "I got to tell you." "You know, this is great, but we got to go out, you know?" "What do you mean?" "You know, out, like on a date." "Like with katy?" "No, no." "Us." "You know, dinner and a movie." "Tommy, come on." "This was a date." "No, honey, no." "Yes, yes." "You know, let's just consider this a dinner and a movie, and we just skipped, like, the dinner and the movie, OK?" "Do I look... do I look all right?" "Yeah, you're fine." "Jesus." "Done yet, Gavin?" "Oh, it's you." "Hey, you know what?" "I was actually just leaving." "I had some really great news for Tommy." "Mm-hmm." "You know what?" "Katy just got straight as." "Yes." "She's doing... great in school." "These guys." "It's just..." "just..." "I mean, it's... ah, raised by wolves." "It's unbelievable." "I mean, it's like they just have no... animals, every one of them." "Yes." "And I'm thinking 30 seconds earlier, and I would have caught you." "What?" "Those yours?" "Hmm." "You know, my wife stopped by earlier today." "Yeah." "She didn't leave anything like that behind." "'Cause she wasn't wearing any." "Yeah, dude, it's totally sweet." "I mean, the sofa's really comfortable." "It's got, like, one of those pull-out beds, 100% genuine leather, and I got a sick deal on it." "Cool." "Hey!" "What's going on?" "What's happening?" "How are you?" "Good." "You doing a little couch surfing for a while?" "Yeah." "Hope you don't mind." "No." "Hey, man, Mike's casa E su casa." "He got a good deal, by the way." "That's genuine leather, really expensive stuff." "Cool." "Hey, congrats on not dying, by the way." "Thank you." "I got a whole new outlook on life, my friend." "No regrets, you know." "I'm just going to live the day, you know what I mean?" "Carp diem." "Hey, what's that?" "It's a Roman term." "It means, you know, live for the now." "Seize the day." "And it's actually carpe diem." "Well, that's Roman for carp." "No, I don't think so." "Actually, yeah," "I think it is, my friend." "You see, fish, they live a very limited lifespan, so by nature, they simply must live for the now." "It's basically the basis for the entire expression, bro." "The lifespan of a fish?" "Yeah, man." "You learn something new every day, huh?" "Hey, you guys got a gig coming up, don't you?" "Yeah." "Sweet." "You excited?" "Big time, dude." "Hell yeah." "Sweet." "What's the name of the band again?" "Indian rugburn?" "Apache stone, dude." "Apache stone." "Sounds like joba chamberlain just lit up a doobie in the bullpen." "Joba chamberlain's an indian?" "Yeah, man." "Ah." "I thought he was a yankee." "Hey, are there going to be chicks at this thing?" "Aw, dude, mad." "Really?" "Yeah." "Franc says that he's going to have his lesbo girlfriend, you know, invite some of her hot chick lesbo friends." "So we're in, dude." "Mike, I got enough trouble with regular vaginas." "You're going to invite a bunch of vaginas into a room that, like, are attracted to other vaginas?" "What the hell is that?" "Come on." "It's like math." "I hate math." "Even vagina math." "Most of these chicks go both ways, right?" "I mean, franc says he's having the best sex of his life, dude." "All right." "Could we give them, like, a special bracelet or something at the door so we know which one of these fuzz-bumpers go both ways?" "It's supposed to be a party, right?" "If there's any work involved, I'd rather just stay home and rub one out by myself." "Yes, but would a carp do that?" "You're right." "He's right." "Did you see that?" "The student became the teacher." "Touche, my friend." "OK, girl, cool." "Bring 'em all." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I'll see you then." "All right." "My girls are in." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Aw." "How many are we talking?" "10 or so, I think." "Holy shit." "And they may bring some of their own friends, too." "Sweet." "Mm-hmm." "They hot?" "You looking to get lucky?" "Baby, I already am lucky, duh." "All right?" "But it's good for business." "Don't worry about it." "My girls are hot." "Do you think I'm the type of girl that rolls with some cockeyed bitches?" "Cock... eyed?" "Busted." "Ugly." "Oh." "Right." "So, they're girly-type girls, right?" "What kind of question is that?" "Uh, it's just a regular question." "I just want the guys to know what to expect, is all." "You're still hung up on that dyke bullshit." "Nah." "Yeah." "All right." "A little bit, maybe." "look, baby, you got to understand." "Where I work, the guys, they're relentless." "So, you think I'm a lesbo 'cause your friends at work think I'm a lesbo." "Hey, I don't think that, OK?" "I've just been thinking about it." "You know, I met your friends, Franco." "They seem like a nice bunch of guys." "But now," "I think it's a case of them using good looks and humor to make up for a lack of intelligence." "I don't follow." "They're idiots." "Yeah, yeah." "Of course they are." "I mean, you know, we're all idiots at some time or another, right?" "No." "I think they're punching the idiot clock pretty much 9:00 to 5:00 and during their off hours." "And you can tell they're idiots just from a few quick hellos?" "It's a little judgmental, don't you think?" "Oh well." "Never start a fight if you're not willing to get hit back." "Carla, those are my friends you're calling idiots." "And I'm your girlfriend they're calling a dyke." "So you think long and hard about the shit your friends pull, the situations they get themselves in, the stupid shit that comes out of their mouth." "And you think about me and you... alone in your bedroom." "No clothes on." "So, who you going to believe, huh?" "Not that bunch of idiots." "Gorgeous." "Smart." "OK." "I went down there to do the right thing and honor bones' memory." "I had a drink in my hand, but I had not even taken one sip of it when this guy came up and started in with me, and he got under my skin, and that's... what happened." "Just spent 31/2 hours cleaning this place, so you want an ash tray?" "Yeah." "All right." "I've still got a lot of stuff left to do, so if you came down here to stare a hole through me, you're going to be boring one right through my ass." "All right?" "What?" "It's good practice." "For what?" "Rehab." "If you ever go." "Listen..." "I don't give a shit how much you drink or what you drink or where you drink or why." "But when your drinking starts appearing in the newspaper and on the television, then, you see, then you got to answer for it." "And you might want to take your head out of your ass for 5 seconds and look around for derek." "Rember derek, huh?" "Yeah?" "Your sponsee?" "Yeah?" "Well, nobody's seen the guy for about a week, hasn't been to any meetings, not answering anybody's phone calls." "You, you can drink yourself to death, OK?" "But you made a commitment to this kid." "If anything happens to him, his blood will be on your hands." "Hey, Chief." "Nick." "How are you?" "Good." "Hey, Tom." "This place looks great." "Yeah, I know." "The cigarette butt." "I got it." "Hmm?" "What are you doing?" "What the... oh." "I've been dying to use this thing." "I bought it at a joke shop 2 years ago." "They were right." "It made a mess." "Oh, boy." "Yeah?" "Hey, Tom." "It's derek, man." "How's it going?" "Hey, where are you?" "I'm down at the bar, man." "You been drinking?" "I took some shit." "What... what did you take?" "What did you take?" "Derek." "Derek!" "I took some oxycontin." "I'm going to close my eyes before I head out, man." "Hey, listen." "Don't go anywhere." "I'm coming right down, OK?" "OK." "Cool." "Jesus Christ." "Yeah." "You all right?" "Yep." "Did you drink?" "Nope." "Did you take the pills?" "Nope." "What's wrong?" "Hey, guys, he's here." "What?" "You son of a bitch." "Whoa." "Whoa." "Don't blame derek all right?" "We put him up to this." "It's time, brother." "OK." "Listen..." "I had a drink in my hand..." "we know, we know." "Never a sip slipped your lips." "I must have heard that a million goddamn times." "I know a guy in 'nam who shot his own leg off." "Oh, yeah?" "Was his first name plaxico?" "Had his gun in one hand while he was trying to open a bottle of Jack Daniels with his teeth." "Guess who he blamed." "Here's a hint... not the booze." "Spills kill too, brother." "Time to retire your number before you come up empty." "Come on, Tom." "Think about it." "You know?" "Like, what is it, some good times, some laughs, in your case, a few new females along the way?" "But what is it really?" "It's a prison." "It's a prison with 2 ways out... sobriety or the graveyard." "We're all here because we love you, Tommy... with genuine love, not the liquid love that theodore thought he found in that bushmill's bottle." "And if not for you, think about your children." "What about katy and colleen?" "What are they feeling?" "The shame, the horror?" "She's right, cos." "You know, I feel ashamed." "I'm horrified." "But this is... this is devastating." "How long has it been since you had a drink, Eddie?" "8 months." "Teddy?" "22 days." "Mick?" "97 days and 12 hours." "I have almost a year." "No thanks to you." "See, Tom, we're all here for you." "Most people only have one person to turn to, a sponsor." "You have a room full of sponsors here." "It's time to stop." "OK." "You guys win." "Jesus." "Enough with the looks." "I get it." "Shit." "I mean, it's just all magic." "Just bottles full of magic wishes." "I wish things were better." "I wish I was better." "You know, full glass of this," "I'm Mr. Happy-go-lucky." "Half bottle in, I got balls of steel." "I'm hell-bent for leather." "I'm just humming." "Big smile on my face, goddamn song in my goddamn heart." "But you're right." "It's not fair to the kids." "I know I..." "I could make a good argument for this with them, too, 'cause a happy me is a happy them." "You know?" "They don't have dad sitting at the kitchen table with his head up his ass wondering how long it was before their uncle Jimmy knew that he was going to be pulverized into a human goddamn pancake." "'Cause, you know, happy dad wants to play scrabble or yahtzee or watchhigh school musical 35 goddamn times." "But I get it." "I got to stop sitting in these church basements with my cold cup of Gray coffee clenched in my white-knuckled claws." "I just got to... relax, I guess, and learn to... embrace it and... accept it." "That's the problem with magic." "I hate goddamn magicians." "David copperfield can kiss my bony Irish ass." "Anyone else?" "What?" "Where are you going?" "Pussy." "Who's up?" "Yeah, give me one." "Eddie, what are you doing?" "Yeah." "You know what?" "Me, too." "Just a tall one." "I thought we were supposed to be doing an intervention." "We know, we know." "I was holding up just fine until he brought up that thing about the claws." "Damn right." "You had me at balls of steel." "Give me one." "Yeah." "Yeah." "The balls was good." "I like the balls bit." "What about the shame thing?" "Well, I was ashamed, you know, because I've been drinking in secret this whole time." "I must have..." "I must have spent, like, 2 grand on gum and mints in this past year alone." "I mean, that cum gum stuff?" "Goddamn." "I've been keeping those guys in business." "You got any grey goose?" "Jesus." "You're unbelievable, you know that?" "What?" "So, did you even actually stay sober these last 3 years?" "4. no." "Here we go." "Get 'em up." "What did you say about David copperfield?" "I said he sucks." "Oh." "That's what I thought." "I've always hated that son of a bitch myself." "Set me up." "All right." "It's funny." "David copperfield was the thing that pushed you over the edge?" "Aw, you know." "Make an elephant disappear." "Watch me make this bar disappear." "That's what I like to hear." "Well, look at this, the weak bringing down the strong." "I hope you're happy." "I'm ecstatic." "That AA coffee was giving me the runs." "Mickey, you are the one person in this family I could count on." "What?" "It was your idea to have an intervention in a bar." "All right, guys." "To Maggie." "To prison." "To cum gum." "To cum gum?" "No, see, there's that gum that's got the liquid center, so when you bite into it, it explodes in your mouth like..." "I must have missed something." "You know, it's like you're blowing somebody." "Hey, I never blew anybody." "OK." "I blew a guy once." "I really needed the ride." "OK." "The family that drinks together... sinks together." "Yeah." "Welcome back."