"[Narrator] Since the beginning of time, man has looked to the stars and wondered if others like ourselves existed." "Would they be super-intelligent, peaceful, sensitive?" "Our story will go some way to answering these eternal questions." "[Computer-generated voice] Keep space tidy." "Thank you." "Keep space tidy." "Thank you." "Keep space tidy." "Thank you." "[Computer-generated voice] Mission successfully completed." "We repeat." "Aah." "Trailblazer Desmond Brock has safely returned to space podule Exhon mark 4." "Mission successfully completed." "We repeat..." "Repeat..." "Repeat." "Well?" "Well, what?" "Was it there?" "[Desmond] No, it wasn't." "Now we're really inconvenienced." "They're, um, blue with silver nipples, and there's a long piece of..." "Yes, I know what a fuse looks like!" "We're lost in space." "Lost?" "We're not lost." "Well, where are we then, Bernard?" "That's what I'd like to know." "Now there is absolutely nothing to worry about." "Right, Julian?" "This is just like space cruise to nowhere." "No, it is not." "They drifted for days, years in the end." "Oh, for heaven's sake!" "All we have to do is to put out an emergency repair call somehow." "Drifting..." "Drifting..." "They all turned into skeletons in the end, of course." "[Bernard] Yes, there we are." "With little bits of floppy skin hanging off them." "[revving]" "There." "Right, come on, chop-chop." "Spaceball anyone?" "♪ [humming]" "[Bernard] Beautiful, isn't it?" "[Julian] Where are we, then?" "[Bernard] Ah, well this is technically what we call deep space." "[Desmond] Well, it's technically what I'd call sod all!" "[Bernard] Look, come on, cheer up everyone." "We are 15 million light years from the nearest space route." "There is no intelligent life around here anywhere." "[Newscaster] So a happy ending for one man and his dog... and remember, we'll be back with an update in 2 hours, at midnight." "[Floor manager] That's it, everybody." "Back in 2 hours." "[popping]" "Aah!" "Graham." "Oh, yeah." "Mr. Mckenzie and me have got an important rendezvous with a contact." "Big story, eh, Geoff?" "Yeah, could be, could be." "So, you look after the phones." "Sure, yeah." "If the 3rd world war breaks out, just make a note of it, will you?" "Yeah, yeah, you can rely on me." "H-h-have a good meeting." "[Computer-generated voice] Spaceballs can not be kicked out of the recreation area." "Thank you." "Spaceballs can not be kicked out of the recreation area." "Thank you." "[sighing] Look at him." "How embarrassing." "Feet on the furniture." "What a..." "Desmond!" "Aah!" "Don't play with it." "You don't know how to work it." "Desmond, put it back where it was." "[inaudible]" "Well, where are we going?" "That's what I'd like to know." "Somewhere I can get a drink, hopefully." "What about Bernard?" "What about Bernard?" "Des!" "Well, he's... so how do you stop these things?" "[Julian] We're gonna hit it!" "We're gonna hit it!" "We're going too fast." "[radio frequencies]" "♪ [muted country music playing]" "[indistinct dialogue]" "Aah!" "Ah!" "[siren]" "I got one." "I got one." "I got a spaceship!" "They're coming!" "I got a spaceship." "They're coming from outer space!" "They're coming!" "They're gonna enter our atmosphere." "Aah!" "[Julian] I'm gonna die." "Help!" "Aah!" "[Sandra] Do something, can't you?" "[PA announcer] We have a target." "We have a target." "Indian ocean." "Impact 15 seconds, inclusive." "Indian ocean is target." "Looking good." "The Indian ocean is the target." "Give me the Indian ocean." "[PA announcer] 4, 3, 2, 1." "I'm locating, sir." "We have splashdown." "[spaceship's engines roar]" "[tires screeching]" "[honking]" "Geoffrey, there's something very peculiar coming up behind us." "[Geoffrey] Well, what is it?" "Good grief!" "[woman] Get off the motorway!" "But it's still following us!" "Don't look behind you." "[man] Shouldn't be allowed." "It's madness!" "Did you get his number?" "No." "I think he was Belgian." "[explosion] [screaming]" "[farm animals squawking]" "[tires screeching]" "uh, hello, love." "Just reporting a bit of congestion between exits 8 and... say, 23." "Uh, looks like a spaceship of some description." "Over." "Shall I put the cones out, sarge?" "Yeah, might as well." "[sirens] [phone ringing]" "Hello?" "Yep." "[phone ringing]" "J-j-just hold on, hold a minute." "Just a minute." "Can you hold just a minute?" "[phone ringing]" "Can you hold for just a minute?" "[phone ringing] Hello?" "Hello?" "Can you hold for just a minute, please?" "[phone ringing]" "Hold on just a minute please." "Hold on, can you?" "Yes." "What?" "[minister] And the government has no intention at this stage to change immigration laws." "Not only would we consider it to be totally..." "Red phone, minister." "Aah." "[chuckling]" "Excuse me." "Yes?" "Oh." "Is there a cmd." "Matteson here?" "[Matteson] Yes." "Oh, it's for you." "Oh?" "Oh, hello." "No, no, not very." "Aliens?" "What do you mean "aliens"?" "What do you mean "from another planet?"" "Yes, it's a tricky one, isn't it?" "If they're still alive, don't let them out of their flying saucer." "We don't want a lot of little green men terrorizing the home counties during Ascot week, do we, hmm?" "Yes, all right." "Full emergency." "Cmd." "Matteson?" "Yes, all right." "I'll try to join you for coffee in the library." "I want the press kept out of this." "[screaming]" "Oh my god!" "Yes, I'm impressed." "Blah blah blah hold the front page, blah..." "Shut up!" "Look at this office." "It looks like the end of a Chinese meal." "The biggest story since Adam and Eve got evicted and where were you all?" "In the pub with you, Stanley." "Yes, so who have we got on the spot, eh?" "I'll tell you who." "No one!" "Wait a minute, Stanley." "What's that?" "Hmm?" ""Mr. Benson, an alien spaceship has landed on the m1," ""taken camera unit to cover." "Everything under control."" "well, at least someone here knows what's going on, someone who can seize the moment by the horns as it rises." "Who is this, eh?" "Graham Sweetley." "Oh, my god!" "Aliens have landed and I've got an idiot running around with my camera unit." "Wait a minute, Stanley!" "We don't even know if it's an alien spaceship yet." "Listen." "I've been in television for over 40 years and I can recognize the inexplicable and unknown when I see it." "All right, everybody." "All right, you lot." "Let's make television." "Your time has come, you smug bastard!" "The aliens are here." "We're all going to die." "[screaming] [woman] The aliens are here!" "The aliens are here!" "The aliens!" "[animals squawking]" "[cocks gun]" "Are you all right, Sand?" "Ohhh, Jools." "Well, what is it?" "It's my leg." "What's wrong with it?" "You're standing on it." "Oh." "He's dead, Julian." "[groaning]" "No." "No, I'm not, Sand." "Pity." "It's a good job Bernard's not here." "Why?" "Well, he'd be angry about the mess, wouldn't he?" "[sirens]" "[Matteson] Drive on." "You like it strong?" "Yeah, pour it in." "2 sugars." "Thanks, Brad." "[policeman] All right, now, back you go!" "No one's going anywhere!" "[police chief] Chief insp." "Miller, local police." "Chiefy." "How is it going?" "Hell of a mess, sir." "It's attracted every crackpot in the country." "Good." "Good." "Godfrey, sir." "Local fire department." "How's it going?" "Oh, terrible." "Lost 3 men." "The flames are completely out of control." "Good, good." "Well done." "If you wouldn't mind, sir." "Of course." "It's Geoffrey, isn't it?" "[woman] Get off my land, all of you, and take your army with you!" "Have that woman shot, will you?" "[rifle shot]" "There's a sort of podule." "[Matteson] I beg your pardon." "Down there." "It looks undamaged." "[helicopter approaching]" "Gentlemen, col." "Laribee." "Cultural attache at the American embassy." "Sir!" "Commander, you probably don't know this, but my mother was a great military strategist." "No." "No, I didn't." "Well, there's no reason why you should." "One hell of a woman, Matteson." "Yes, yes, I think she was." "I'm only sorry she can't be here now to see this." "So am I. Hmm." "The archbishop of Canterbury on the line, sir." "Tell him I'm at prayer." "Let's face it, commander, the people of the world as we know it are..." "Uh..." "What's the word I'm looking for?" "Doomed?" "No." "Saved?" "No, no." "Not alone?" "The people of this world are not alone?" "I think you know what I'm talking about, Matteson." "So, broadly, you're in agreement." "Commander, the quicker you can make your move, the better." "Go for it." "But just remember, we're not playing Polo in Westminster Abbey now." "These beings are of a higher intelligence." "[Sandra] Well, don't just sit there, Desmond." "Do something." "[Desmond] What?" "Well, start the engine and let's get out of here." "Well, I can't do that, can I?" "Why not?" "Well, because it's broken." "How do you know?" "Because it looks broken, doesn't it?" "Here is a statement issued at 23:30 hours, April 16." "I will read it once." "There will be no questions." ""There's been an accident on the M1 just south of Luton."" "What is Sweetley doing?" "Pictures!" "I must have pictures." "[assistant] Ob coming through." "That's more like it." "Good boy, good boy!" "Sound!" "I must have sound." "[assistant] Sound." "The simple explanation is that the vehicle in question was a prototype" "7-story, helium-driven hovercraft blown off-course while undergoing tests in the solent." "That is the end of this statement." "Thank you." "Greetings." "Had trouble finding you." "Your signal was weak." "Where are you going?" "Oh, uh, I'm easy, you know." "I'm just bumming around the spaceways, you know, doing my own thing." "Very much like yourself, except you've obviously been up to it longer than I have." "Judging by the, um..." "What do you call that, sort of, floppy skin, sort of, h-hanging off?" "It's a lovely, lovely spaceship, isn't it?" "It's not bad." "I bet she's got a bit of poke when you pump the gas, eh?" "Are you male or female?" "Pardon?" "Are you the male of the species or the female?" "Um, ah, m-male, male, male." "I'm a man." "I'm a man." "Ah, definitely." "I'm a human man, part of mankind." "But very definitely the male part, or parts." "Oh, shit!" "[yelping]" "Aah!" "Uh!" "Aye!" "Oh!" "Aye!" "Ahh!" "[birds chirp loudly]" "Sod off!" "[PA announcer] Will all section 7 personnel scheduled for decontamination proceed to the decontamination unit in the decontamination block for immediate decontamination." "I'll repeat that." "Will all section 7 personnel scheduled for decontamination proceed to the decontamination unit in the decontamination block for immediate decontamination." "[Matteson] Col. Laribee." "[Laribee] Cmd." "Matteson." "Ah, Simpson." "Has there been any further activity?" "No, sir." "We alerted you as soon as we heard the noise, what, oh, 3 hours ago." "It's been quiet since." "And you think it's some sort of life form?" "Well, we're naturally taking orientation precautions... disguise." "Where's prof." "Trousseaux?" "I beg your pardon?" "Trousseaux." "Oh, the frog." "He's setting up his equipment next to the podule now." "Good." "Who is it?" "I had him flown in." "Did you?" "Yes, Trousseaux, the world's no." "One expert in linguaphonic communications." "Of course he is." "He certainly has a fair amount of tackle." "Listen, if the man who got a dolphin to ask permission before pissing in his pool needs a lot of equipment, he needs a lot of equipment." "Yes, I can imagine." "[Laribee] Cmd." "Matteson, am I wearing the right clothing?" "This is not my suit." "Where's my suit?" "[Laribee] Prof. Trousseaux!" "Professor, thank god you're here." "If ever there was a time when the skills that you are endowed with were what we have need of, then this is it." "Gentlemen, may I present the man who will unravel the mysteries of the aliens' language?" "This is the big one." "[speaking french] [speaking french]" "The big one." "The big... one." "Un." "Talking to the aliens..." "The podule." "Oh." "[with French accent] Podule." "Podule." "Podule." "Podule." "Talk, speak to aliens." "[scientist] Prof. Simpson." "Prof. Simpson." "The noise has come back, sir." "[male moaning]" "[moaning]" "[Simpson] This is a much more positive signal." "Is it?" "Yes." "The first bout only lasted 20 seconds." "♪ [musical beeping]" "♪ [Scott Joplin's The Entertainer playing on organ]" "[inaudible] [moaning]" "Des." "Des, I can hear music." "So can I, Sand." "I thought you were asleep, you dirty little git." "Oh, don't stop, Des." "♪ Born free as free as the wind blows ♪" "♪ as free as the grass grows born free to follow your heart ♪ turn it off!" "We don't need a goddamn Wurlitzer!" "♪ Live free and beauty surrounds you ♪ please turn it down!" "♪ The world still astounds you each time you look at a star ♪" "I'm gonna take this Wurlitzer and shove it up your..." "Sir." "Oh, my god!" "[Sandra] Des?" "[Desmond] What?" "The door's dropped off." "What?" "The door has dropped off." "[Desmond] Well, put it back on again!" "[rifles cocking]" "Des?" "What?" "Would you come here a moment please, my darling?" "Oh, fuck." "Would you just come here please, Desmond?" "[Julian] Sand?" "I wonder what that..." "Desmond?" "[Desmond] I'm try..." "I'm... all right." "[toilet flushing]" "Did you pull that door off?" "May I speak to Mr. Benson, please?" "Mr. Benson." "Yes, it's very urgent, actually." "Hello, Stanley." "This is teabag." "[reporter] We'll leave with a hovercraft." "I think there's somebody coming." "We need a picture of a hovercraft and we'll need the diagram." "All clear." "[blowing] [jumbled talking]" "Gentlemen, professor Simpson and his team have just completed a thorough physical examination of the aliens and he has come to the conclusion that they are... human." "Human." "Human?" "Yes." "It's quite feasible..." "A parallel world, a planet." "A whole new life form developing in much the same way as our own, in a distant solar system." "It's all here in document 14." "All right, gentlemen, no more pussyfooting around." "Let's go." "Sit down, will you?" "[clearing throat] Over here." "We'd like to start at the beginning." "Yes." "Good." "Good place to start, I think." "[Simpson] You have come to our planet from another planet?" "No." "We come from our own planet, not another one." "That's what we mean." "Why didn't you say so, then?" "Yes, why didn't you say so?" "Let's start again." "At the beginning." "If you like." "I don't mind." "It's him that gets confused." "Sit down, Simpson." "[Matteson] The planet that you come from..." "Yes?" "What do you call it?" "What do I call it?" "Yes, what do you call it?" "What's it known as?" "What's its name?" "I've forgotten." "You've forgotten?" "Yeah, silly me." "I'll forget me own name next." "Give us a clue." "Now, can you complete that?" "Can you?" "Of course." "Well, what are you asking me for?" "[clanking]" "Greetings." "My name is Bernard." "I have traveled far to your planet." "I come in peace." "Will you speak with me?" "[clanking]" "No, I understand." "I would like to meet with your leader." "Is that possible at all?" "I will return here in 24 hours, when the moon is in the heavens again." "Good." "This should interest you lot." "This is the sort of thing we have on our planet." "See this?" "Just by touching this, see, we can make signs," "what we call letters and words." "Yeah?" "Mm?" "See?" "P-l-a-n-n-i-t." "Planet." "[nervous chuckling]" "You'd have a bit of a job carrying one of them around in your top pocket, wouldn't you?" "And we call this a pen." "P-e-n-n." "Ooh, ooh, show it to me." "Um... where are you now I'm up?" "Tempt me side... you must have heard of tempt me sideways." "Oh, how did it go?" "♪ [humming the song]" "♪ it's such a na-na-na-na-na ♪" "♪ but it's true ♪" "Do go on." "♪ Such a na-na-na-na-na ♪" "♪ but it's true when you are in my arms ♪" "♪ why does the sky go blue ♪" "♪ my heart goes bim-bim-bim ♪" "♪ when I'm with you ♪" "♪ make my dreams come ♪" "♪ true ♪" "So, let's just recap, shall we?" ""It's very big, possibly huge" ""but also wide and round. "" ""it's a greeny, sort-of-bluey, sort-of-all-bright-colors" ""and covered with all-wispy clouds... "" ""and all in all, a funny old place."" "and there's nothing else you can tell us about your planet?" "Oh." "I've just remembered what it's called." "What?" "Blob." "Blob?" "Blob." "Blob?" "Blob." "Ah." "You're early." "Greetings." "Once more." "Leader not here, then?" "You seem strangely silent tonight." "You haven't told him, have you?" "What is the point in people making arrangements..." "What can I say?" "This is a great moment." "A great moment." "[screaming]" "Hey, Melvin, there was this strangely dressed man-of-the-forest back there and, you know, I think we hit him." "Good." "Oh no, Melvin." "Please, stop." "We gotta get some help." "[sirens] [man] Definitely a sprain of the ankle." "Some abrasions." "Possibly slight bruising of the toes." "He'll be ok." "[banging]" "Ahhhh!" "Aah!" "Ahhhh!" "[man ♪1] Severe concussion, multiple fractures, hemorrhaging, possible broken toe." "Somebody get me an ok on immediate surgery." "Somebody find a doctor!" "[man ♪2] We've got a sick man here." "[Bernard] Where am I?" "It's ok, honey." "You're gonna be all right." "I must go home." "Yeah, sure, honey." "I must leave this planet at once." "Has anyone seen my spaceship?" "He's delirious." "Take me to your leader." "It's going to be ok, honey." "Just relax." "Everything's fine." "Look, I am not talking to you." "I'm talking to him." "[nurse #2] Get the doctor." "[Simpson] Sorry to call so late." "You asked to be kept informed." "Have they tried to escape?" "No." "Have they given something away?" "They have started playing with the chess set." "Oh." "This is a development." "No, it isn't." "I see." "Cmd." "Matteson, I don't wish to dwell on technical matters." "But these visitors from outer space..." "Yes?" "They are what we scientists call "brainless."" "Brainless?" "They're thick, stupid, dum-dums." "[woman] Cruds." "Cruds." "[man] Twits." "Twits, morons." "Look at them now." "They're posing in the mirror." "I had the mirror taken out yesterday." "[group chuckling]" "Some years ago, we used to send chimpanzees into outer space." "Someone, somewhere has gone one better." "[jumbled talking]" "They're completely worthless." "They know as much about the secrets of the universe as my mother's labrador." "They've got you exactly where they want you." "Running around and around in circles until they're ready to strike." "Will they?" "You don't see it, do you?" "The moment that they get out on the streets their heads will split apart like ripe peaches." "Spletch!" "Like maggots." "Swarms of them." "Reproducing until we have no power with which to resist them by." "I think we all need a good night's sleep." "We'll try a different approach in the morning." "[jumbled talking]" "Hello, Stanley?" "Yes, I know it's late." "This is teabag again." "And there's someone coming." "[Desmond] Take it easy!" "[Desmond] What's all this?" "[Laribee] Shut up." "What?" "Shut up!" "Now, listen, boy, and listen good." "We're not going to leave this room until I know how your spacecraft was powered." "I've told you." "I drove it." "[Desmond] Ahh!" "You know what I mean." "Well, look, you've got 2 pedals, right?" "And you press one and that makes it go." "And you press the other and that makes it stop, see?" "Pedals." "P-e-d-d-e-l-s." "Pedals." "Aah!" "Come on." "Show us your tentacles." "What?" "Come on, throw off the disguise." "What?" "Come on." "Let's have a look at the real alien." "[Desmond] Ahh!" "Keep him away from me, will you?" "He's mad!" "[sighs]" "So I knew this would have to happen eventually, you know?" "Well, you spend as much time buzzing around in space as I do, you're bound to make contact with the odd intelligent life form, aren't you?" "Ah, this is very good." "Can't be too careful." "I, uh, I think you'll find I'm clean." "This way, is it?" "Fraternal greetings to your planet." "Yes, keep it formal." "May I say, on behalf of my planet, how proud and privileged I am to be at this coming together of 2 great civilizations." "Good evening." "I'm here to see your leader." "I believe he's expecting me." "Well, George Washington's taking a nap right now." "Julius Caesar is watching TV." "But I'm sure one of the Napoleons will be able to talk to you." "[screaming]" "and we consider it a regrettable incident that we must put behind us, especially today, because I have a very important announcement to make to you all." "[Laribee] It will have to wait." "[matteson] Col. Laribee, I've been very patient with you." "But as long as I control this operation... cmd." "Matteson, you no longer do control this operation." "I do." "Gentlemen." "When you're in the tub and a man-eating spider crawls out of the faucet, you don't ask him to pass you the soap." "I'm telling you, we have got something in our plumbing and I don't like it." "These are no pinheads from another planet." "These are no pea brains from beyond." "Right." "These are mind suckers." "I can hear my mother now." "She's saying, "Get out there, Raymond." ""get out there and get those leeches before they get you."" "My god, haven't any of you seen Invasion of the Body Snatchers?" "Let's kill 'em!" "[cheering]" "Wait, wait." "I'll take the ugly one with the drink problem." "[cheering]" "Ow!" "Shh." "What did you do that for?" "Shh." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Aah." "The ventilation shaft, sir!" "Yah." "After them." "Dr. Weiss." "[alarm ringing]" "They won't hurt you, come on." "What would you do if you were being chased?" "Hide." "Hmm." "Let's hide." "[man on intercom] All armed personnel in section, report to the cellblock." "Wait, wait." "Just a minute, just a minute." "How am I supposed to escape if you keep running away?" "Now I know you're frightened and confused, but just get in the car, will you?" "Halt or I'll fire!" "They're not inside, they're outside!" "[machine gun firing] [sergeant] Come on, come on!" "Come on!" "[soldier] Which way, Sarge?" "[Julian] Can somebody explain to me what's going on?" "[Graham] Quickly." "[Julian] If it's not too much to ask." "Come on, get in." "Just get off the key!" "Olly olly oxenfree!" "Adios, aliens." "[gunshot]" "Sir?" "Matteson!" "Do you think they're all right?" "[Sandra] Not really, no." "Wait." "Ahh!" "No, Sandra, I have to talk to you." "Can't we behave like reasonable human beings?" "We're all getting hot under the collar." "They're not!" "I can't let you escape like this." "Stop the lorry." "Yes, you'd like me to stop the lorry, wouldn't you?" "Well, I can't." "I'm taking these people where they'll be cared for, somewhere they'll be looked after." "Somewhere..." "Oh my god!" "Sandra!" "I love you!" "What did he say?" "♪ Oh Sandra you came from outer space ♪" "♪ but when I saw your face somehow I knew ♪" "What's up with him?" "He's singing." "♪ You nosedived into my atmosphere ♪" "♪ you dropped your landing gear and my heart flew ♪" "[Stanley] Graham, let me in." "This is the scoop of a lifetime." "Graham, don't do this to me, not to your own father!" "You're not my father, Stanley." "[Stanley] You can't keep this to yourself." "Is he a friend?" "No, he isn't." "Didn't my wife suckle you at her breast?" "[Graham] No, she did not." "Would you like her to?" "No, thank you." "Ignore him." "He'll go away." "[Julian] He says to go away." "You could have anything you want." "Anything." "Here." "Graham, just fill in your own amount, all right?" "Aw!" "Ow!" "[Matteson] Nobody move, we have the building completely surrounded." "You must hand over the aliens to me immediately." "No harm will come to you if you give up without a struggle." "If you don't believe me, look out of the window." "Come out one by one with your hands high." "Come out with your hands up, slowly." "Don't come any closer." "[TV announcer] We interrupt this broadcast to bring you an urgent newsflash." "We'll return to our western as soon as possible." "[Julian] What's happened to the cowboy film?" "Thank you for your help." "[Julian] Will you be quiet?" "[Graham] I need this." "Crash at Luton last week." "Yeah, sure, Stanley." "And they are holed up here..." "That's us!" "132a..." "Mornington Avenue." "That's us." "We're on the news!" "[Julian] Shh." "Home of unscrupulous, unemployed, former junior assistant," "Graham Sweetley." "That's the incredible story tonight." "Earlier this evening, the head of special operations, on site, cmd." "Grenville Matteson was prevailed upon to issue a statement." "He said there are 3 extraterrestrials of humanoid, Caucasian appearance." "The leader is male, about 31, 6'2", 190 pounds, pallid complexion, lank, greasy hair." "The second is of indeterminate sex, 28, 5'10", 145 pounds, short, dark hair, pale skin." "The female is 26, looks younger." "26!" "She has a delicate complexion and excellent bone structure." "Her eyes are hazel, flecked with gray and sometimes a little sad." "Her voice is throaty, hands exquisite, and she's said to have a certain indefinable something." "Cmd." "Matteson added they were highly intelligent and potentially dangerous." "Highly intelligent?" "Highly intelligent?" "You've got it wrong!" "They've got it wrong." "Listen to me, woman." "I shouldn't be here!" "I should be over there in, ah, in what's it called..." "England." "Don't you understand?" "You can't let those idiots talk to your civilization!" "They've enough trouble with each other." "Bernard, I think we'd be better off downstairs." "[excited chattering]" "Look, I'm quite calm." "Is that the time?" "I promised to give the eskimo chief a ping-pong lesson." "You're wasting your time with me." "[man] Kill them before they kill us!" "Aliens!" "Can we not watch something else?" "No!" "Look!" "That man's going to throw something." "What is it?" "Ouch!" "It's some sort of brick, I think." "That could've been dangerous, that." "I'm hungry." "Wasn't our fault we crashed on their planet, was it, Sand?" "No." "It was Des' fault!" "[groaning]" "Aah..." "Aah!" "This is madness!" "Madness." "I can't..." "I can't let them do this." "I can't." "[screaming]" "[Graham] So!" "Space travelers come halfway across the universe to this planet." "This is how we greet them, is it?" "[woman] Yeah, he's right, he's right." "With rocks and with avocados." "[woman] How much are avocados?" "You ought to be ashamed of yourselves." "These aren't space monsters with TV aerials stuck on their heads." "They haven't come here to zap your planet with their ray guns." "These are fellow beings, come in peace to do a bit of shopping." "People of earth, people of earth." "We should count ourselves privileged, yeah, yeah, privileged, to greet these intrepid pioneers who've come so far across the spaceways." "[explosion]" "Because they didn't do that without courage... [man] Fire!" "Yes, and without fortitude and without wisdom." "[man] They've seen the light!" "Uh..." "Your cooker's on fire." "You stupid imbeciles!" "[crowd yelling]" "You haven't been on holiday with them." "I tell you, they're absolutely... [groaning]" "[screaming]" "come on." "Come on, that's it." "[screaming]" "Friends, this is where our paths must divide." "I have a mission but I must go alone." "Which way is England?" "[jumbled talking]" "[Bobby whimpering]" "Bobby, there's nothing to be frightened of now." "On my planet, all of you would be free men." "Not locked away like animals." "Be free, find your own happiness." "Farewell." "[grunting] [cheering]" "Are you all needing a lift?" "[Bernard] Yes, yes." "Oh, by the way..." "Yup?" "I'm a man." "Are ya?" "Yes." "Good." "Good." "So, uh..." "Where y'all from?" "Originally?" "Yup." "Well, originally, I come from a long way away." "Uh, you see, what happened was, I was with my friends." "And we were, um, we were in our spaceship... uh..." "Ahh!" "[woman] Here they come." "Who's this?" "[Flunkey] Countess Gretal of the Netherlands, may I present Sandra Brock?" "[giggling]" "You've got all the gear on then, have you?" "Have you seen this, Julian?" "[giggling]" "[Flunkey] King Alexis of Moravia." "Sandra, I have to talk to you." "[Julian] Leave her alone." "Forgive me." "It was the only way." "No." "Look, Sandra doesn't like you." "All right?" "There's a quiet anteroom, somewhere where we can talk." "Just the 2 of us." "Who are you shoving, mate?" "Get back in line." "For goodness' sake!" "I don't know what people see in her." "She's perfect!" "[Countess] Perfect?" "I've got bigger tits than she has." "Yes, I understand." "I'll be with you in a minute." "There's somebody on the other phone." "Excuse me." "Hold on for a moment." "Hello, this is the aliens' residence." "Can you hold a minute please?" "Aren't you lot up yet?" "We're having a bit of relaxation." "I'm sorry about that." "Yes, yes." "Des?" "[Julian] It says here, you're a big pop star on blob." "Does it?" ""Sandra Brock said yesterday that... "" "well, they exaggerate, don't they?" "Look, these are ambassadors from another planet." "They're not interested in advertising." "No." ""She went on to say that her husband, Des," ""is a well-known millionaire scientist on their planet."" "Some hope of that." "[Graham] Honestly, they wouldn't do it for $1 million." "You're offering $1 million?" "No, you don't- you don't understand." "There is nobody here who has the slightest interest or concern for mouthwash." "No." "No, non, niente, nein." "No, not $9 million." "No." "You don't understand." "The money is entirely irrelevant." "No, that doesn't mean they'll do it for free, either." "No." "Please, stop bothering me." "I'm going to put the phone down now, you see." "Just go away!" "[Graham stammering]" "Hello." "Hello, I'm sorry about that." "Hey, that tastes just like loob!" "Oh, my god!" "For charity, yes." "I'm afraid you're barking up the wrong tree here." "They don't even know what golf is." "I don't think it'd be fair to ask them to do it." "The answer is no." "Yes." "[phone ringing]" "Could you get that for me, Julian, please?" "Doesn't look like "loob."" "It tastes like it, though." "Up your flaps." "Oh, don't drink it, Des." "It looks like wee." "Thank you, very much." "[phone continues ringing]" ""Loob's" green, Desmond." "Good luck with the tournament and... and "up yours," too." "[phone ringing]" "Graham, get me a crate of this stuff, eh?" "Yes, I'll get it in just a minute." "You haven't got time to do that, Graham." "You promised you'd take us to Scatland!" "Scotland, in fact." "I can't get any water out of this thing." "You promised we could go and do some shopping in Scatland!" "Post." "You promised!" "Oh, shut up!" "What am I doing?" "What am I doing?" "This is what my life has come to, is it?" "Dancing attendance on you 3 greedy interplanetary pillocks!" "Well, I've had enough." "I'm finished!" "[phone ringing]" "Very sorry, all gone away." "There's no water coming out." "Julian." "Graham." "Gra..." "Julian's got his finger stuck in a tap." "Please." "[knock on door] [woman] Flowers for miss Brock." "[choir] ♪ oh Sandra you came from outer space ♪" "♪ but when he saw your face somehow he knew ♪" "[Matteson] How dare you, sir!" "Put me down!" "Sandra!" "Yeah, hello, love." "Yeah, can you get me a plumber?" "Plumber, yes." "And a brewery, and a couple of thousand tons of green dye." "[Sandra on tv] ♪ don't tempt me sideways you always do ♪" "♪ it's such a na-na-na-na-na but it's true ♪" "♪ when you are in my arms why does the sky go blue ♪" "♪ my heart goes bim-bim-bim- bim-bim when I'm with you ♪" "♪ when I feel happy young men look twice ♪" "♪ my headache seems to go away my hair looks nice ♪" "♪ but if you ask me why I sometimes look annoyed ♪" "♪ it is because my husband's stronger than upright ♪" "♪ that's why I'm a... ♪" "♪ girl ♪ [announcer] This show is brought to you live from england." "[applauding and cheering]" "[laughing]" "That is great, Sandra, really great." "Now, where were we?" "Ah, yes." "University." "Yes." "What subject did you read at university, Sandra?" "Shoes." "[laughing]" "Yes, I did shoes and hair." "[laughing]" "Black and yellow." "[laughing]" "And, oh, I did waltz dancing." "Cobblers." "And Julian." "Yes?" "You were a world-famous manicurist on blob." "Was I?" "[laughter]" "Famous manicurist?" "[Sandra] You remember?" "[Julian] Oh... oh, yeah, anything you say, sir." "[laughing]" "Let's get over to you, Des." "[glass breaking]" "Get outta here!" "[applauding]" "So Julian also read dancing at university?" "[Sandra] Yes, but only preliminary." "[laughing] and, uh, coloring." "Not much preparation for piloting a spaceship." "[laughing]" "No." "Bernard did all of that." "Bernard?" "Bernard?" "Who's Bernard?" "Um..." "He's um..." "He's Des' brother's friend." "Des, uh, Bernard was with you, was he?" "Yes." "No." "Yes, he was." "Wasn't he?" "[host] Where's Bernard now?" "Well, he's up there, lost in space, I hope." "Don't try and stop me." "Ok, but why, honey, why?" "It can't be as bad as all that." "Why?" "Why?" "I'll show you why." "You..." "Look at that!" "Look at that." "Recognize them?" "Eh?" "My 3 so-called friends?" "Rich and famous." "And me, destitute, nowhere to go." "No money." "And home." "14 million light years away." "Nothing!" "Nothing." "Nothing." "That is bad, you better jump." "Thank you, madam." "You've been a great help." "Wait a minute, you're not called Bernard are you?" "That is my name, yes." "Hey, you must be the 4th alien." "Yes." "The one they talked about on the chat show just now." "Yes." "The one with the body odor problem." "Yes, yes, that's me!" "Oh, I'm saved, I'm saved!" "Oh, I won't be needing you anymore." "Aah!" "Excuse me, you're wanted back in the studio." "Ok, fine." "Stay cool." "Okay." "[Desmond] What's up?" "What's up?" "Wait a minute, wait a minute!" "A 4th zoonie from blob is trying to park his flying saucer, but don't tell Graham." "Tell the whole world over their breakfast." "[jumbled talking]" "He's still up there." "I don't want to hear it!" "I've got you..." "I've got you the biggest contract, the biggest contract since... since the last contract I got you." "That was a big contract, wasn't it? "Yes, it was Graham."" "It was, Graham." "It was great." "I might as well just flush this down the..." "Excuse me." "I'm terribly sorry, sir." "[toilet flushing]" "Honestly, Graham, Bernard's dead." "I hope so." "Do you think he's dead?" "[sighing]" "Not yet, madam, no." "Uh, Mr. tope?" "Mr. Tope!" "Uh..." "Uh..." "Mr. Tope." "The maid has reported a hotel towel missing from your bathroom." "Oh, goodness." "Heh, heh." "Yes, look." "Packed it by mistake." "And an alabaster ashtray with simulated gold fittings." "Oh, yes." "And a bedside lamp stand." "Yes." "Yes, and, ah, an antique ormolu telephone." "Oh, yes, thank you very much." "Yes, and a chamber... what is all this?" "We own this hotel." "He can take what he likes." "Come on." "[clearing throat]" "Good evening." "My name is Bernard." "I am the 4th alien." "Yeah, ok, very impressive." "Now go to the back of the line." "[inaudible]" "You hear the news?" "The 3 aliens are coming to New York, one night only." "$2,000 a ticket." "[cheering] [cheering]" "Julian, it's me!" "[Bernard] Julian, look." "[inaudible]" "[Bernard] Julian!" "Julian!" "Julian!" "Julian!" "Julian!" "It's me!" "Somebody lend me $2,000." "I promise, you'll get it back just as soon as I've seen my friends." "You see, I am an alien." "Hello, my name..." "My name's Bernard." "Hello, I'm an alien." "Right, everybody out!" "What is all this?" "For Christ's sake, Ambrose, earn your money." "Come on, out, out, out, out, out." "Out, out, out." "Come on." "Come on." "Not you." "You're on in 5 minutes." "Graham." "We've been thinking... yeah, well, there's a first time for everything." "Get dressed." "[performer] Thank you!" "Thank you, America!" "We're not happy, are we, Julian?" "We think we're going in the wrong direction, artistically." "We're thinking of retiring." "Retiring?" "You haven't done anything yet!" "Get your clothes on." "I don't think you appreciate the kind of pressure that we're under." "Self, self, self!" "That's all you think of, isn't it?" "Never mind the 400,000 ordinary earth people out there." "No, you surprise me." "You really do." "I really thought you were bigger than that." "I blame myself." "I-I've turned you from nice, ordinary guys into monsters from outer space." "[Julian] No, don't say that, grah." "Well, I suppose I just hoped for too much, didn't I?" "I just hoped that you could show this... this crazy mixed-up planet we live on, torn by war and strife and suffering, that there was something up there, something beyond our own petty concerns." "Something we could believe in." "But I was wrong to hope, wasn't I?" "I was wrong to hope for something sincere and truthful." "[Desmond] What do you think, Grah?" "You look fine." "Get out there and slay 'em." "[applauding and cheering] [announcer] Let's have a big hand for the alternative gospel singers," "They're god's people from outer space... big blobs." "♪ How how did we come ♪" "♪ before the podule ♪" "♪ the podule of hope ♪" "♪ came came from above ♪" "♪ podule of love ♪" "♪ podule of love ♪" "♪ they came yes they did they came from heaven ♪" "♪ at about 10 past 11:00 ♪" "♪ right by junction 7 ♪" "♪ that podule of hope ♪" "♪ how did we come ♪" "♪ before the podule ♪" "♪ the podule the podule of hope ♪" "♪ [singing]" "[fans screaming]" "All right, all right." "♪ ...glory, glory... ♪" "♪ ...glory, glory hallelujah!" "♪ [applauding and cheering]" "[announcer] And now, guys and gals, the moment you've been waiting for." "The aliens are about to materialize before your eyes." "They came to us from a far distant planet and now, here they are in our midst." "I insist, let's hear it for the aliens." "[applauding and cheering]" "♪ [rock music playing]" "[Sandra] Are you ready for us?" "Hey, it's great to be on your planet." "Hey, let's go." "♪ So tempt me sideways ♪" "♪ you always do ♪" "♪ it's such a na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na but it's true ♪" "♪ when you are in my arms ♪" "♪ why is the sky so blue ♪" "♪ my heart goes ♪" "♪ bim-bim-bim ♪" "♪ when I'm with you ♪" "♪ make my dreams come true ♪" "Take it, Desmond!" "Ow!" "[gagging]" "Desmond!" "You're disgusting!" "It's all over my costume!" "Julian!" "[crying]" "You're a complete animal, Desmond." "[belching]" "Oh, you've ruined everything." "[Julian] Oh ho!" "Ooh, yeah!" "I'll never be able to hold my head up again, you animal!" "I thought it went really well." "Sand." "Sand." "What?" "Hello." "What do you want?" "What do I want?" "What do I want?" "Well, that's a damn stupid question." "Well, you're not having any of it, so..." "Oh, Sandra." "Julian." "Me old mates!" "Des!" "It's your old pal, Bernard, the 4th alien." "There is no 4th alien." "I'm here." "Look." "Look." "Look at you." "You don't even look like an alien." "Ambrose!" "Will you get rid of this autograph hunter." "That's not fair!" "Let go!" "Let go of me!" "Unhand me!" "You simpletons, don't you understand I'm the 4th alien?" "Let me go." "[Bernard] I am a personal friend of the leader of your people." "[crowd] We want the aliens!" "We want the aliens!" "[crowd screaming]" "[engine revving]" "What's going on?" "Now what's happening?" "You can't turn your back for one second." "Out of my way, Desmond." "Let go, mom." "[Sandra] Out of my way, please." "We are the aliens." "Thank you very much." "This is our show, if you don't mind." "Did you rent a space podule, Exhon mark 4?" "Um... so what if we did?" "It was supposed to be returned 5 weeks ago." "It crashed, actually." "Well, I hope you're fully covered." "Where is it?" "[Julian] Well... there's not much left, and that's in a museum." "I suppose you'd better come back with me then." "[spaceman] What are you dressed like that for?" "Nothing, really." "Are you coming or what?" "I can't hang around." "You don't know me, but, um, I know who you are..." "Bernard." "I... now, I'd like to have a little talk with you because, um, well, for one reason or another, some of the things that happened today have obviously excited the 2 of us, haven't they?" "I should introduce myself." "Sweetley." "Graham Sweetley." "Yeah, it's nice to meet you." "Now, this, um, this whole shebang..." "♪ everybody wonders why we walk around ♪" "♪ with this blank expression on our face ♪" "♪ that crazy bunch ♪" "♪ out to lunch ♪" "♪ that bunch of jerks from outer space ♪" "♪ we're morons welcome to our pleasure dome ♪" "♪ welcome to our mobile home ♪" "♪ up in the sky ♪" "♪ we're morons people say we've gone too far ♪" "♪ but we don't know where we are and we don't know why ♪" "♪ silver bird has landed on your motorway ♪" "♪ no one could have guessed what was inside ♪" "♪ hey, look they're drinking tea ♪" "♪ hey, look it's on TV ♪" "♪ turn on and see 2 worlds collide ♪" "♪ we're morons welcome to our pleasure dome ♪" "♪ welcome to our mobile home ♪" "♪ up in the sky ♪" "♪ we're morons people say we've gone so far ♪" "♪ but we don't know where we are and we don't know why ♪" "♪ we don't know why ♪" "♪ someone up there's watching me and I don't know who ♪" "♪ trying to predict what I will do ♪" "♪ what have we got to lose ♪" "♪ I think I'll buy some shoes ♪" "♪ maybe a home computer, too ♪" "♪ travel incognito on the underground ♪" "♪ form ourselves into a tidy queue ♪" "♪ we'll charge enormous fees ♪" "♪ to mention frozen peas ♪" "♪ our faces green ♪" "♪ and play a slot machine ♪" "♪ we'll take a peaceful nap ♪" "♪ if we've got time to ♪" "♪ clap your hands if you're a moron, too ♪" "♪ hey, hey we're morons and we cruise the stratosphere ♪" "♪ quite a space from ear to ear ♪" "♪ there's nothing there ♪" "♪ we're morons ♪" "♪ and we come from outer space ♪" "♪ we're going to another place but we don't know where ♪" "♪ we're morons welcome to our pleasure dome ♪" "♪ welcome to our mobile home up in the sky ♪" "♪ we're morons people say we've gone too far ♪" "♪ but we don't know where we are and we don't know why ♪" "♪ we're morons and we cruise the stratosphere ♪" "♪ quite a space from ear to ear ♪" "♪ there's nothing there ♪" "♪ we're morons and we come from outer space ♪" "♪ we're going to another place but we don't know where ♪"