"You know the kind of guy who does nothin' but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks?" "Well, that was me." "Every time somethin' good happened to me, somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner." "Karma." "That's when I realized I had to change." "So, I made a list of everything bad I've ever done and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes." "I'm just tryin' to be a better person." "Transcript: cfsmp3 Subs:" "Inermis" "Only for FOROM" "Number 203 on my list" ""Stole various snacks and drinks from a local Quick Stop." "Of course, that was before I turned my life around." "Luckily, Randy still had his stealing' jacket, and we had no problem sneaking the stuff back in." "All right, I guess I can cross this one off." "Hang on a second, Earl" "I gotta put these back on the little hot dog Ferris wheel." "Oh, my God!" "What are you doing?" "Natalie Duckworth is over there." " Who?" " Natalie Duckworth." "Number 84." "About seven years ago, the crab shack was rented out for a biker party." "No one hassled me at the door, so I came in and learned a new phrase" ""open bar"" "A beer, please." "Make it two." "I decided then and there that I did, in fact, want a ride." "After what some might call a few too many beers, we went back to her house and had a really good time in the dark." "Then it got light..." "fast." "Wake up, sleepy head." "What?" "That was some costume party last night, wasn't it?" "What?" "Oh, my God." "Whoops!" "My temporary tattoo rubbed off on you." "Wow, I've never brought a guy right home before." "This is wild, huh?" "So, what do you want to do today?" "Do you want to go to the park?" "Oh, my God, you know what would be great?" "The farmer's market." "The who's what?" "We were not cut from the same cloth." "But no matter how different we were, there was one thing we both liked." "Besides, I didn't want to run out on her." "She had been hurt before." "This is Ted." "He left me for a stripper." "That's a lock of his hair." "That's a lock of the stripper's hair." "that's a lock of my sister's hair." "Which..." "leads us to John." "Even though I took home a Harley and ended up with a moped," "I decided to give it a shot." "I mean, why not?" "She was cute and had a satellite that sed kung fu movies from space." "Whoa!" "It's a beautiful day out." "Let's go for a hike." "I was..." "I was going to watch this kung fu movie." "Come on, pwease go for a hike wit me?" "I tried to seem interested in the same things she was, but it just didn't come natural to me." "Look, an anthemis tinctoria." "Wow, look at the size of that dog turd next to it." "She wanted me to do arts and crafts." "It's called papier-mâché." "Somehow she figured out a way to make newspapers even more boring." "Oh, look, someone's fingers are all sticky-wicky." "She even made me go on picnics." "So we just sit here?" "Well, we're going to eat in a while." "What'll we do until then?" "Just sit... talk." "You know, we passed a Denny's." "Before I knew it, we had been dating for a whole month." "When her parents came out to visit and we all got our faces lasered in crystal," "I knew things were getting too serious." "I had to get out." "And I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I figured there was only one thing to do." "Earl's dead." "He was lost at sea." "This is all they found of him." "I thought you'd want it." "I realize now that faking your death to break up with someone is not exactly thoughtful." "It was time to find a way to cross her off the list." "You look like that little monkey in E.T." "You faked your death?" "I didn't want to hurt her feelings." "This woman is very fragile." "Needy, clingy and fragile." "Here, put some more baby's breath in there." "It fills in the gaps with neutral coloring." "It's funny how the brain sucks things up." "One summer Randy worked at a florist for almost ten minutes." "I'm going to put in some more baby's breath." "It fills in the gaps with neutral coloring." "Ma'am, these vases always going to make that sound when I'm drying 'em?" "The squeaking makes my toes hurt." "You can't just tell a girl you faked your death to get away from her." "She'll be devastated." "I have to tell her." "It's on my list." "I lied to her, and the only way" "I can cross it off is if I tell her the truth." "So what is more important, your list or someone's feelings?" "I don't know." " My list?" " No." "Feelings." "I bet it's feelings." "Look, I have to tell her." "She almost saw me today, and I'm not going to hide in another refrigerator." "Look, Earl, if you really talk to her at least say it was because of you." "Say you weren't good enough for her." "That's another lie." "But it's a good lie." "To protect her." "Maybe you should listen to Catalina." "She's a woman, just like Natalie." "They're both women, her and Natalie." "You and I are men." "We're not women." "Sometimes Randy takes a long road to a simple thought." "You see, men think different than women." "You and I think different than Natalie and Catalina, 'cause we're men and they're women." "I'm right, right?" "I'm not wrong." "Am I wrong?" "No." "Randy's long thought was right." "Catalina seemed to know a lot more about women than I did, so I decided to take her advice." "Surprise." "Whoa!" "That was just like in E.T., when that little girl first saw the monkey." "You see, it wasn't you, it was me." "I pretended to be dead because I was afraid I wasn't good enough for you." "I mourned you for months." "I kept your shirt." "I even made a papier-mâché bust of you to wear it." "Very nice." "Very detailed." "See, it was that kind of perfection in your life that made me feel inadequate." "It was that kind of perfection in your life that made him feel inadequate." "Hey, it turned you into a mushroom." "Are you alive" "Talk to me." "I just wish you would have said something." "Why wouldn't you just tell me?" "I mean, what does that say about me?" "No-nothing." "It doesn't say anything about you." "It's not your fault." "You're perfect." "I'm the one." "It was me." "Sorry I'm late, sweetie." "I hit the gym." "Took the fast train to ab-town." "Are you being robbed?" "No." "This is my ex-boyfriend Earl." "The one with the stripper?" "No, I'm the dead one." "Are these candies free?" "Thanks for telling me the truth." "It really makes me feel better knowing that you're alive." "I just wanted to make sure you were happy." "I'm glad you found Dirk." "He seems perfect for you." "Thanks." "We only met three weeks ago, but we just clicked." "That's great." "Good for you." "Well, I should, uh..." "Oh, wait a sec." "I want you to have this." "I'm glad you're not dead." "Good-bye, little fella." "Good-bye, Natalie." "Thanks for making me." "All... righty." " I'll see you later." " Bye." "I was feeling pretty good about Natalie and how we left things." "And the me made out of wet newspaper added a nice decorative touch to the room." "Randy, have you seen the pen?" "I need to cross Natalie off my list." "Nope." "Catalina, how often do you clean the bedspreads?" "I don't know." "I've only worked here for a year." "Dirk is gone!" "What?" "Dirk is gone!" "When we got Natalie calmed down, she explained that something terrible happened to Dirk." "The police found his car in the woods with blood in it!" "They think he might have been killed!" "Earl, is she gonna keep squeaking like that?" "It's making my toes hurt." "Just, uh... sit here and-and-and try to calm down." "I'll get you something to drink." "Oh, yeah, feel that." "How do you like that rock hard candy, hmm?" "Dirk?" "Hey, Earl." "Don't tell me your hooker works here, too." "You're supposed to be dead." "Well..." "Yeah, I know." "Thanks for the idea." "Boy, just in time." "I was just about to build a noose out of papier-mââché and hang myself at a picnic." "Earl?" "Hey." "I'm just going to go home." "It's probably best if I wait there, in case the police call." "Yeah, that's probably a good idea." "Yeah." "I can't believe Dirk faked his death, too." "He got the idea from me." "That's why karma wouldn't let me find a pen and cross her off." "I'm not done." "Are you going to tell her that he's alive?" "She thinks he's dead, but he's not." "He's not dead, he's living, he's alive." "He's not dead like she thinks he is." "I think I should tell her, right?" "You can't tell a girl two different men faked their deaths to get away from her." "It would crush her spirit." "But what am I supposed to do then?" "She's very upset." "She's been through a lot..." "she thinks." "So be her friend." "Comfort her." "Maybe if a man is nice to her for a change, it will build up her confidence." "Trust me, I'm a woman." "She's right, Earl." "She is a woman." "And we're men." "You remember how we talked about that." "Yeah, I got it, Randy." "Thanks." "The first few days of hanging out with Natalie, all she did was wait for the phone to ring." "Since I knew it wasn't gonna," "I thought I should get her out of the house." "Who's up for a hike?" "Come on!" "You love hikes!" "Pwease go on a hike wit me." "Otay." "See?" "Hiking!" "Huh?" "This is fun!" "I like going uphill." "I wish we could go uphill on the way back." "All I had to do was seem interested in the things she liked do and she started to cheer up." "Hiking turned into arts and crafts...." "I started to make you a magical fairy, but I ended up with a magical clump." "Thanks." "It's a very nice clump." "I'll name him Alexander." "Alexander the Clump." "Or Pepe." "How about "Pepe the Clump"?" "I don't get it." "Why Pepe?" "Oh, Pepe's a name." "I think it's Mexican." "Jose, Rico..." "Yeah, it's Mexican." "Papier-mââché-ing turned into picnicking." "For smelling like feet, this cheese is pretty damn good." "I love you." "What?" "Then our picnic somehow turned into a relationship." "I don't ever want you to think you're not good enough for me again." "You're perfect for me." "My little butterfly flew away, but he came back." "He came back." "And like a butterfly, I, too, was trapped." "But instead of a net," "I was caught by a crazy girl wiping her nose on me." "She told me she loves me." "What?" "!" "I was nice to her, like you told me to, and she told me she loved me." "She even rubed her nose against mine, real soft." "What'd that feel like?" "It tickled for a second, but then it itched." "You must have been too nice to her." "Too nice?" "You didn't tell me how nice to be to her, you just told me to be nice." "She thinks we're back together." "Hey, Earl, is there a condom machine around here?" "No, Dirk." "Hey, what are these?" "Shower caps." "That could work." "Hey, Earl, you want me to tell Natalie you're dead again?" "You can't do that." "Well, what am I supposed to do then, huh?" "I mean, I don't want to hurt her feelings but how am I supposed to get rid of her?" "She's been kicked around by men her whole life." "You have to give her the power." "Let her break up with you." "She won't do that." "Thanks to you," "I'm her nature-hiking, papier-mââchéing, soft-nose-rubbing, butterfly in shining armor." "So change." "Be a bad boyfriend." "Bad boyfriend?" "It's not that easy." "Being mean goes against everything" "I stand for these days." "Hey Catalyna, the mouse catcher's full again." "I knew being a bad guy was going to be hard, but since Catalina said it was for Natalie's own good," "I gave it my all." "Hey, look at the pretty yellow flowers." "Happy Fourth of July!" "Check it out." "I made your bust." "I upped you a cup." "You're welcome." "Excuse me." "Honey, you think it might be better to relieve yourself a little farther away from the blanket?" "Nah." "This poor girl was so insecure, there wasn't anything she wouldn't put up with." "Did you throw away my junk?" "Nothing worked." "I was running out of ideas, so Catalina agreed to help me put an end to the whole thing, once and for all." "Come in." "Oh, yeah, mama!" "Earl, what's going on?" "Oh, just blowing off a little steam." "Having a good time." "Can't a guy have a party around here without getting hassled?" "Get off my back." "You're right, Earl." "Sorry for interrupting." "Just have fun and call me when you're done." "Call me when you're done?" "I'm bed with another woman." "Don't you want to slap me?" "Do you want me to?" "Natalie, this is not working." "Remember when I said it wasn't you, it was me?" "Well, it's not me." "It's you." "It's all you." "Earl..." "No, no, no, I'm done listening to you." "You're just as crazy as she is!" "The truth is you're clingy." "You're a doormat." "You have no self-respect." "That's why guys want to leave you." "They have to get away from you." "And that's why I'm trying to get you to break up with me now." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, maybe it is you." "Because Dirk didn't think I was a doormat." "He didn't want to leave me." "He loved me for who I am." "Hey, Earl." "Are there no other motels in this town?" "Well, that went well." "Look, I know I was hard on her, but she needed to hear the truth." "And when she's over being upset, it's going to make her a better person for the rest of her life." "As it turned out, the rest of her life wasn't that long." "Sadly, Natalie's parents told me she was so disaught over yet another relationship ending, that she took her own life." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Who's the joke on now, Earl Hickey?" "Who's the joke on now?" "Me?" "!" "That's right." "Y-O-U." "How does it feel, huh?" "How does it feel to think someone's dead?" "Crappy?" "Crappy's right." "That's exactly how you made me feel, Earl-- twice!" "It turned out that Catalina and I were both kinda right." "By being honest with Natalie, I made her mad." "That anger gave her the idea to fake her death and by doing that, she finally got to leave her relationship with the power that Catalina said she needed." "Natalie had finally stood up for herself, and I admired her for that." "Although her parents had a different opinion." "Yould've at least told us you were faking" "It had to seem real, Mom." "She's alive!" "Clearly, Natalie had finally found her backbone." "And as I had hoped, it carried on past her funeral and into the rest of her life." "Hey, Dirk, still getting your mail." "It's from the clinic." "Somebody got themselves an STD." "I can deal with that." "Turn the page." "Aw, crap!" "Damn shower caps!" "Her newfound confidence even let her finally showcase her wet newspaper art in a public setting." "And because I'd earned it, karma finally let me find a pen." "It was nice to see Natalie so happy, wasn't it?" "Yeah, I'm glad she's not dead anymore." "Being dead is definitely worse than being alive." "When you're dead, you can't do all the cool stuff you can do when you're alive." "You and I, we can do all kinds of cool stuff 'cause we're living." "We're not dead." "We're alive." "If we were dead, we wouldn't be able to do all the cool stuff we can do because we're alive." "Dead people can't do cool stuff." "Only people that are alive can do cool stuff because they're living." "And you have to be living to be able to do cool stuff." "You have to be alive." "Yeah, except, when you're alive, sometimes, bad stuff happens, too." "Like, sometimes, you can get in a car wreck, or you can have a headache, or twist your ankle, or even stub your big toe." "So being alive's kinda hard, too, but I think it's definitely better than being a-dead."