"Lexx 3.08 The key" "Hang on!" "Yeah, I want you two to know that I hereby officially pull rank." "Why?" "Why?" "Because we've been orbiting these two stupid planets for far too long, and things have not been going exactly well." "Agreed?" "Possibly." "Yeah - and being a true fact that I am the only one here that ever acts sensibly, and seeing that I'm the captain of the Lexx," "I hereby officially insist that we leave this system by the quickest means possible." "And why should you be captain anyway?" "I should be captain because I am the captain." "I have the key to the Lexx, and that's it." "OK?" "Welcome back - captain!" "Yeah, hello." "Not you!" "Welcome back Kai, captain of my heart." "Hello." "I suffered here so long in silence, all alone, by myself, desperately longing for the cold dead flesh I desire." "It hurts so bad, Kai." "Promise me you'll never go away from me again." "No." "Did you miss me?" "Tell me that you missed me at least." "I did not miss you." "Nobody missed ya - not Kai, not Xev, not me, not anybody!" "I missed you, Kai." "Was there someone else?" "You didn't meet another " "Oh, what, another tin can like yourself?" "No, but there was that one, really cute girl down there on Boomtown, wasn't it?" "She made absolutely no secret of her, desire to play hide the sausage with the dead man." "You killed her, of course." "No." "No." "Somebody pushed her out of a balloon though." "How sad." "It was sad." "Yeah." "OK, Lexx - who is your captain?" "You are my captain, Stanley." "Thank you, Lexx." "I just wanted to remind everyone of that." "So Lexx, how do we get out of this system, the fastest, the safest way possible?" "For us to move, the Lexx must eat." "For Lexx to eat, we must bring it food." "To do that, we have to go down to one of the planets." "Oh no no." "We are not going down to either one of those planets ever again." "I can go down on my own." "I do not require your assistance." "No, you are not gonna go down on your own," "I mean, if you go down there something's gonna happen to you, and then Xev is gonna go down and something bad is gonna happen to her, then I'm gonna have to go down and rescue Xev and something really terrible is gonna happen to me," "and in order to avoid all those negatives nobody's going anywhere ever again - that's it." "We can use the moths to bring food to the Lexx, but the moth breeders are incapable of flying them without guidance." "It will take many trips, and therefore considerable time." "Which we do not have." "Once each orbit the Lexx passes through the thin atmosphere that joins the two planets and is slowed down." "Each time it slows down, its orbit decays." "So?" "So, that means it will not be long before the orbit becomes so tight that the Lexx crashes and we are all killed." "How long?" "191 hours." "Why didn't you tell us that before?" "!" "How could I?" "I was up here, without Kai, all alone, by myself while my beloved dead man was down on the two planets without me playing hide the sausage." "Kai?" "Yes?" "I forgive you." "No." "Well, you know, I'm just gonna take a moth, and I'm gonna fly to the nearest planet." "I do not recommend that." "Why?" "The nearest system, which may or may not have life bearing planets, would take more than 17 years to reach in a moth." "Well, still, I mean flying for 17 years is better than crashing in 191 hours." "A moth would be out of fuel in under 30 hours." "Well, what are we gonna do?" "I got it!" "What?" "I can't believe I didn't think of this before, how could I be so stupid?" "There are many ways." "The Lexx's weapon still works, right?" "Right." "OK, then we use it to blow up the two planets." "Lexx eats the chunks and then we just go on our way again." "Those planets have people on them." "Oh?" "Really?" "Well, they're certainly not like any people any of us have ever seen before." "I mean, they're not born, there's no children." "There's definitely something seriously wrong with these two planets and this universe will be a better one as soon as they're made into Lexx food." "But would it be the right thing to destroy them?" "Well, of course it would, I mean, you've been down there." "Fire's a, it's a terrible place, and Water - it's just weird." "And you know what else is weird." "I'm actually beginning to like pooing on these toilets." "Think that's strange, huh?" "I do not know." "The dead do not poo." "Lexx, when will you be pointed at one of those two planets again?" "Why?" "In 14 hours and 12 minutes, I will be pointed directly at the desert planet." "OK, good." "Then Lexx, in 14 hours and 12 minutes I want you to use your weapon " "Do you think it's right to destroy the planet, Stanley?" "No, I don't think it's right, I think it's, it's most excellently right." "But you have no idea of the consequences." "Yeah, yeah Xev, I do." "You see, an evil planet is gonna be blown into tiny little chunks, and then the Lexx, hopefully, is gonna eat those chunks, and then we'll be able to sail away from a place where I really don't wanna be anymore." "And the Water planet?" "Can stay where it is." "OK Lexx - in 14 hours and however many minutes, when you're pointed at the desert planet again, will you please, blow it up for me, OK?" "As you command, Stan." "I'm sure there will be consequences." "The two planets are very - close." "Close?" "Kai, do you think it's fair that Stan is our captain?" "No." "And don't you think I should have a turn, or you?" "I am dead." "The key cannot live inside me." "How much do you know about the key, about how it works?" "The last Divine Shadow, whom I killed, was meant to possess the key and command the Lexx." "As I have his memories I have a general understanding of how it works." "So?" "The key is a living thing." "It is inside Stanley." "And it can be transferred by him to someone else - at the point of his death." "Or other times." "What other times?" "The Divine Shadow I killed was not concerned with the transfer of the key to the Lexx except to the next Divine Shadow to follow him, who would have received it on his death, by a kiss." "There are other ways to transfer the key, but I do not know what they are." "So how can we find out?" "790 has some bio-diagnostic capacity." "He may be able to help." "790!" "Look what Kai found for me!" "Xev - do you think you're attractive?" "I don't know if that's for me to say." "Oh, you are - for a woman, anyway." "But still, you could pick yourself up a bit." "How?" "First, your hair." "My hair?" "What about it?" "Lose it." "A shaved head would suit you better." "And your waistline " "My waistline?" "You need to beef up a bit." "I suggest you start eating more - a lot more." "And your wardrobe - you have to start covering up." "A big leather sack with two eye holes would work for me." "790." "I can't stand it, the way you prance around looking the way you do!" "You think he's beautiful, don't you?" "790." "Don't deny it." "Say it." "Kai is truly beautiful." "790, I want to " "To have and to hold him." "Just say it." "Crush me like a bug." "No." "No?" "No." "I want to make you a deal." "But why should I want to make a deal with you?" "You want Kai to be yours alone, right?" "Of course." "I'm madly in love with him." "And you're worried that I am your competition, right?" "You're the only other woman onboard." "I will agree to back off from Kai completely, but only if you agree to help me." "I will do whatever I have to do." "My love knows no limits." "It's my turn to have the key." "It's my turn to be captain." "Oh, Xev, I was having a nice dream and you're ruining it." "It's my turn to have the key." "What are you talking about?" "It's my turn to be captain." "No, Xev." "You can't be captain because I am." "How is that fair?" "I didn't say it was fair." "Look, look at it from my side." "I don't always want to be captain." "I mean, you know, sometimes the pressure and responsibility can get you down but look, that doesn't matter" " I've got the key, you don't." "I'm the captain, period." "You can transfer it at the point of death." "Oh yeah, yeah, thank you very much, but I feel just fine right now." "Would you let me have a turn as captain if you could give me the key?" "Yeah yeah yeah, I'm a fair person." "So you would." "Look, we can't do it, so it doesn't matter." "Just answer, Stanley." "If you could transfer the key, would you let me have a turn as captain?" "Yes I would." "Good." "If the key can be transferred at the point of death, what's the point of this?" "Exactly." "It's just a waste of time." "Why not let Kai finally act like an assassin and kill Tweedle and be done with it?" "Because unlike you, Xev is not a psychotic robot head." "I'm a mad robot head." "A crazy in love robot head." "A Kai-obsessed robot head who wants to play hide the sausage with his man right now." "Ooo, a poofter robot head!" "." "I resent that." "Oh, why?" "You're a he, he's a he." "I am not a he." "I am a she." "Don't think so." "I am." "Not." "Am!" "Not!" "You just hate me because I'm different." "You see only my hard metal exterior." "You don't see the soft woman on the inside." "Inside, you're a fuse box, pal." "Kai." "Please Kai." "I really need a kiss right now." "Oh, yuck!" "I am at the point of joy." "The point of death is the point of joy." "What are you talking about?" "I died a long time ago, but I still remember the experience." "So?" "I also remember the experience of sexual climax from the time when I was alive." "Oh well, that's very nice." "I'm very happy for ya." "And - there is a certain similarity between the two events." "Between getting your jollies and getting killed?" "!" "Yes." "The quality of release was somewhat the same, only, with death it was far greater." "Ah well, well that's interesting, that's something for me to look forward to hopefully, a long way down the road." "790, focus on the part of Stan's brain where he experiences sexual pleasure." "Urgh!" "I'd rather not - but, I will do it for the greater good." "What?" "There is an unusually elevated level of electrical activity in the medulla sexuala." "Elevated." "Is it the key?" "I think it's just accelerated Tweedle perversion." "Be serious, 790." "I am!" "And I can't tell." "But whatever is there could be the key to the Lexx?" "Could be." "Stan, when you first got the key, how did it feel?" "I don't know." "OK." "OK, or - good?" "I don't know, good I suppose, in a weird kind of way." "A sexual way?" "Sexual way?" "I don't know Xev, I mean I wasn't exactly focused at the time." "I mean come on, you were there, it was 4000 years ago." "I mean, maybe it was in, you know, a sexual way, I can't remember." "Look Xev, this doesn't matter." "I mean - 790 can't find the key and I am not at the point of death, thank you very much, which means that I am gonna remain captain of the Lexx for the foreseeable future, so we're wasting our time here, OK?" "Now I'm going to go back to my bed and get some sleep." "Bye!" "So - was it the location of the key?" "I think so." "Then how do we get it out of him?" "Oh" " Kai, please kill Stan." "It's the best thing you could do for me." "Why?" "Xev and I made a deal." "She said that if I helped her get the key from Stan she would stay away from you and leave you to me alone without any competition from her so I can have you all to myself." "Is that true Xev?" "Stan instructed the Lexx to blow up the planet." "I can stop him - if I have the key." "But if we don't blow up the planets we're going to crash." "It's not the right decision, 790." "So Kai - how do we get the key out of him?" "There is - potentially - a connection between the ecstasy of sexual climax, the ecstasy of death, and the location of the key in Stanley's brain." "He may be able to transfer the key at will, if his medulla sexuala is stimulated to the required level of ecstasy." "And how do we get Stanley to this level of ecstasy?" "Easy." "He likes you, you like him, what's the problem?" "I do not think that a normal level of sexual excitation will suffice." "Xev?" "I'm sure she's up to the challenge." "Kai." "Kai?" "Kai!" "What now?" "I have another proposal." "I'm not wasting anymore time with this." "You won't be wasting your time, I promise." "You interrupted me once, so 790 could probe my brain, and what came of that?" "Nothing." "I agreed to give you the satisfaction you want if you could find a way to transfer the key." "Yeah, well we didn't." "We did." "No we didn't, except at my point of death, which, you know, it's really not somewhere I wanna go right now." "No." "There is another way." "What?" "I want to bring you to the very extreme of sexual excitement, and then together we will travel beyond that extreme, into the land of ultimate sexual fulfilment." "Me and you?" "Yes." "I want to take you where you've never been before." "Don't tease me Xev, I am not up for it." "I'm not going to tease you - I'm going to please you." "And er, and I just have to give you the key, that's the deal?" "Oh no, it's not about the key anymore." "I just want to surrender my body to you." "Don't get me wrong Xev, you know, the idea of you surrendering your body to me, it's very very appealing, but you've come onto me like this before and it has not exactly resulted in er," "what you say, ultimate sexual satisfaction." "So, what's the catch?" "The catch is that we may have less than 190 hours to live." "Yeah?" "I'm the only woman on the ship, and you're the only real man." "Well, yeah." "And you know I have special needs." "So the time has just come." "I want my needs filled - and I don't really care what happens after that." "Yeah" " I knew you'd come round sooner or later." "So - what's wrong?" "Nothing." "Oh - don't tell me this is just another one of your teases." "No." "Not at all." "You know, this is not just going to be ordinary sex Stanley." "You're going to have the thrill of your lifetime, so there are certain things we have to do." "Like what?" "You'll see." "Xev." "Kai?" "What's up?" "I was... thinking about you." "In what way?" "I was thinking about you, in a different way." "What do you mean, different?" "Is this really necessary?" "It just makes it a more - committed experience." "Well, maybe, but I'm not liking it." "You will." "OK." "Now that's it." "You - go!" "No." "I am not gonna have the sexual thrill of a lifetime with you looking on!" "He needs to be here." "Well OK, then I'm outta here." "I'll look away." "Xev, I am not gonna be able to perform with him here." "We need his help Stanley." "He can stimulate certain parts of you." "No he can't!" "Electrically." "I will do the rest." "I don't know, Xev." "This is not going to be ordinary sex, Stan - far beyond that." "Well, can't we start with ordinary sex and work up from there?" "It will be like nothing you've ever experienced before." "790, you can go for now." "Stan and I would like to be alone for a little bit." "I'll call you when I need you." "No!" "But, to feel the ultimate in pleasure" "We're going to have to start with a little bit of pain." "I'm not good with pain." "I'm very good with pain." "17, 18, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 100!" "I'm ready!" "Xev?" "Oh, yes." "I want you!" "Oh, that's gotta hurt!" "Touch me again Xev." "Touch me, touch me, touch me, come on!" "Xev!" "Xev!" "Kai?" "I want you." "I thought the dead didn't " "Get aroused?" "You're right Xev." "My actions - do not make sense." "What about the key?" "I want you - right now." "Let me finish with Stanley first." "Then I'll catch up with you." "The electricity goes straight to your brain!" "It will shock you to the edge." "And I will be the fire who takes you over it." "Yeah!" "Are you at the edge, Stanley?" "I want your key in my keyhole." "Make it come part way out, I wanna see it!" "Oh, just forget about the key Xev, I want you now!" "Just let me see it, please, if you can." "Show it to me!" "Now?" "Now?" "Yes." "Let your key come out to play." "Show me more." "I'm as hot as you are, Stanley." "I want you." "Give me the key, please!" "I promise I'll give it back to you." "Do you really really promise?" "Have I ever let you down?" "Ever?" "Ever?" "Not really." "No?" "See, so give it to me." "No." "so give it to me." "Oh, you're just playing with me Xev!" "I wanna play all the way." "All the way?" "All the way!" "All the way!" "Trust me!" "That's it!" "That's the key!" "Yes!" "Trust me!" "Trust " "OK now, Xev." "Keep your promise." "Take me to the edge and beyond." "Go for it Xev." "You want him." "The security guard wants you." "What's holding you back?" "Huh?" "He's right." "You made a deal." "I'll close my eyes." "Come on, Xev." "Gonna stick to your deal Xev?" "I always stick to my deals, Stanley." "Oh boy." "Yeah." "This works." "This works." "Oh, it's working." "Oh, this is working." "Yeah, it's working!" "Kai!" "The love slave slut let the security guard violate her with his spear of wickedness." "Is this true?" "Yes." "Lexx - who is your captain?" "You are my captain." "Stanley, so big and strong and manly, woo!" "Yeah!" "I order you not to destroy the planet." "As you command, captain, but I am very hungry, and I must eat soon." "Oh, well, that's good, isn't it?" "Now the Lexx has nothing to eat, and our orbit's decaying so we're gonna crash." "Nice choice, captain." "No we won't." "Oh yeah, why not?" "We won't." "Then how?" "Somehow." "You can escape in the moths before the Lexx crashes." "Anyway, if we do crash, it simply means we'll all die." "What's there to be afraid of?" "Well you see Xev, given an option I'd rather not die." "Don't you believe in an afterlife, Stan?" "No." "Maybe you should." "Very funny." "More fun at Stan's expense." "Now look Xev, you said you were gonna give me back the key," "I'm ready for it now so give it to me." "No." "You said you always stick to your deals, now come on." "I do." "I will give it back to you when I'm ready - which is not now." "She's total trash." "There's no way you could ever see anything in her now." "And how is she total trash?" "I admit I have never thought much of her, but even I didn't think she'd ever sink to Tweedle's level." "Well, thank you very much 790." "Listen, since you don't have a body and you never will have " "It means you're never gonna have the kind of personal experience that I just had, so maybe you'd like to know what it's like to have the ultimate sexual experience with a woman?" "I am not interested in any type of sexual experience with a woman." "I am only interested in sex with my stiff." "OK then, have it your way." "Just go right on imagining." "I was only trying to help." "I am interested." "In what?" "In the details of your sexual experience with Xev." "Oh, no!" "Really?" "Yes." "I would like to know what it was like - all the details." "You would?" "Yes." "The dead are unpredictable." "Lexx?" "Yes, captain?" "I want you to fly away from here." "I cannot do that." "I am out of energy and am not able to fly unless I eat." "And captain?" "Yes?" "I am very hungry." "I must eat, soon." "But you can still blow up planets, right?" "I can still blow up planets for now, but I am very hungry." "I'm going to give you a new order." "I will do as you command." "You are my captain." "Lexx, I want you to " "What are you doing?" "Practising." "Practising." "Well, I say that is enough practising." "Now look Xev, I kept my end of the bargain." "You had your turn as captain." "Give the key back to me, now." "How?" "How, I don't know how." "Look, you took the key, you give it back." "I brought you over the edge of sexual ecstasy so you could give me the key." "The same has to happen to me so that I can give it back to you." "How am I supposed to get there?" "Well, same way." "I'm ready for round two." "But I did not get over the extreme edge of sexual ecstasy in round one." "Oh, yes you did." "No, I didn't." "OK, well - how'd you get the key?" "I didn't have to be over the edge of sexual ecstasy to get the key." "Only you had to be there to give it away." "Oh, so, so you were faking it?" "Yes." "Xev " "I don't believe you!" "It was..." "What?" "...too real!" "Believe it, Stan." "You didn't bring me anywhere near the edge of sexual ecstasy." "And if it didn't happen in round one, it's also not going to happen in round two." "I don't know what you ever saw in her." "I did not see anything in her." "Exactly." "Kai?" "Yes, 790?" "You know I'm really a woman, don't you?" "No." "I do not know that." "What do you mean?" "You are a robot head." "With a woman trapped inside." "Can't you see that?" "No." "I cannot see that." "How can you do this to me?" "After the humiliation I just put myself through with Tweedle for you!" "How can you just slap me in the face now?" "!" "I have to admit there is a possibility that you are indeed a woman inside." "OK, one more time" "Lexx?" "Lexx, this is your captain, Stanley H Tweedle, remember me?" "Lexx you can't have forgotten me that quickly." "Remember all those planets we blew up together?" "I will give it back to you." "And we aren't going to crash." "Yeah." "Well, how can you give it back to me if I don't, you know, do it for you?" "I will simply bring myself over the edge of sexual ecstasy." "You can do that?" "I mean, on your own?" "Sure." "Yeah well look, the Lexx's orbit is decaying, and we will crash unless he gets something to eat soon, and the only thing out there to eat are those two planets, so " "Lexx." "Yes, captain?" "How long before we are directly aimed at the planet Water?" "In 4 minutes and 12 seconds I will be aimed directly at the water planet." "Then please, when you are directly aimed at it, I want you to destroy it." "May I eat the chunks that fly away when I blow it up?" "You may eat and drink your fill." "Thank you, captain." "Wait now" " I thought you didn't want to blow up the planets?" "I've changed my position." "OK, well wouldn't Fire be a better choice to blow up?" "I mean, if we have to?" "They're both weird planets." "Yeah." "Anyway, we are aimed at Water now, and we are running out of time." "Yeah." "Where are we going?" "I may not have reached the height of sexual ecstasy in round one, but maybe we will make some progress in round two?" " you were wearing, but that rubber thing that I had," "I didn't like it all that much, it was just kinda tight and " "I'm going to return the key to Stanley." "Huh?" "Hey, she's with me!" "Why?" "Oh, universe of despair!" "Do you want me, Xev?" "Please Kai, she's a tramp!" "This is not the right time." "Why not?" "Because." "Because why?" "Because I'm returning the key to Stanley." "We'll have lots of time later." "Now just let me pass." "You must achieve the required level of ecstasy in order to transfer the key." "Stanley cannot bring you there." "Yes I can!" "I can reach it by my own." "You know this level of ecstasy well, don't you?" "I do - very well." "Like me, you have been there before." "Many times." "And I will bring you there again." "Good shot!" "Now you can call yourself an assassin." "Kai - you killed Xev." "Hold up your hand, Stanley." "You killed Xev!" "Hold up your hand, Stanley." "You killed her." "Did he tell the Lexx to destroy Water?" "Who?" "Him." "Xev." "Well yeah, Xev did." "How did you know?" "Because we are close to the point where Lexx will be directly aimed at it." "Quickly - you must tell Lexx not to destroy it." "Kai!" "Kai!" "Kai, give me a lift!" "Lexx - don't destroy the water planet." "As you command, Stan." "How much time did we have, Lexx?" "I was going to blow up the water planet in 53 seconds, Stan." "OK Lexx, I am your captain now." "Don't listen to anyone else, anymore, ever." "Just do as I command, OK?" "You are my captain, Stan." "I always obey my captain." "Oh boy." "Kai - you killed Xev." "No, I did not." "I killed Prince." "What do you mean?" "Xev, Xev was Prince?" "Or Prince was Xev?" "Yes." "Or at least, what I believe to be Prince." "That's what you meant by 'him'?" "Prince was Xev?" "Xev was Prince?" "Oh." "Oh boy!" "So where's Xev?" "Likely on the planet Fire, where we left her." "We better be on our way down to Fire." "We have no time to waste." "Does that mean that I didn't make love to Xev after all?" "Doesn't matter." "She's still trash." "I really thought it was her." "The Xev you saw, was a perfect reproduction." "There was no way to tell." "Well, how could you tell?" "Prince did not kiss like Xev." "Does that mean that I had the ultimate in sexual satisfaction with a man, or a woman?" "I think that you are best placed to answer that question yourself, Stanley." "OK, then she definitely was." "I mean, it was the sex of a lifetime, it really was." "So, she had to be, right?" "Ñèíõðîíèçàöèÿ è êîððåêòèðîâêà:" "DarkLight"