"♪ Hear the legends of the Kung Fu Panda!" "♪" "♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo doo-bom doo boom-boom!" "♪" "♪ Raised in a noodle shop ♪" "♪ never seeking glory or fame ♪" "♪ he climbed the mountain top ♪" "♪ and earned the Dragon Warrior name. ♪" "♪ Hu!" "Ah!" "Ya!" "♪" "♪ Kung Fu Panda!" "♪" "♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo- sho-bom, doom-doom-doom!" "♪" "♪ Master Shifu saw the warrior blossom ♪" "♪ and master the skills of bodacious and awesome ♪" "♪ Kung Fu Panda. ♪" "♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo doom-doom-doom-doom!" "♪" "♪ He lives, he trains ♪" "♪ and he fights with the Furious Five ♪" "♪ protect the Valley somethin' somethin' ♪" "♪ somethin' somethin' alive ♪" "♪ Oh!" "Ah!" "Uh!" "♪" "♪ Kung Fu Panda ♪" "♪ Legends of awesomeness. ♪" "Sweet!" "1x02" " Princess  Po" "Princess Mei-Li's peace mission is of the utmost importance." "We can't afford any mistakes, Po." "How come you never say," ""We can't afford any mistakes, Tigress" or..." "Ooh, noodle rolls!" "Ow, ow, ow, ow." "You have to get Princess Mei-Li safely to the king of the Qidon." "She may be only a child, but she is royalty." "So..." "she's a kid Princess." "Oh, man, I am perfect for this gig!" "'Cause if there's one thing I love, it's kids." "And if there's one thing that loves me, it's..." " also kids." " But she's also a Princess." "There's a strict protocol." "Never make eye contact, always address her with deference, and avoid touching unless absolutely necessary." "What if she wants to hug my sheer awesomeness?" "Stop it!" "Do not touch the royal silks." "Kiss my feet!" "But wash them first." "Cute!" "How dare you keep me waiting?" "I am a Princess!" "If this happens again, I shall have you all beheaded." "Yeah!" "Behead everyone!" "Who's with... oh!" "Insolent jiggly mess." "You broke my imperial staff!" "Nuh-Uh." "You broke it." "You dare accuse me of lying?" "I want him executed!" "At once!" "Don't you look at me." "Don't you look at me!" "Don't." "Dah!" "Hey!" "Zzzizzuh-Uh!" "Your imperial highness, this is the Dragon Warrior." "Nice to meet you, your highness." "Slap!" "Oh." "I guess I need you, butterball." "So I won't have you executed..." "yet!" "Who said you could sit?" "Oh ho ho!" "She's feisty, huh?" "I thought you said kids loved you." "It could happen." "She just needs a little encouragement." "Oh, you think I can't do it?" "There is no child that can resist the Dragon Warrior." "I'm like a sandbox in a black-and-white playground covered in fur." "I'll bet you both a foot massage that by the time we get to Qidon, she'll be eating out of my hand." " I'm in." " Me too." "You'll see." "I'm the Dragon Warrior." "Kids love the Dragon Warrior." "Heh!" "Watch this." "Oh, your highness!" "Hi, there, Princess." "My name is Mr. Baby Po." "Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah." "I made you a puppet." "Ooh!" "Okay, peasants, let's get going." "Gentlemen, there it goes." "Loads of gold, jade, fabrics..." "Ooh, fabrics." "And gold." "Gentlemen... and Gah-Ri, that brat with the crown is our next target." "Let's go!" "Move it." "Move it." "Move it." "Your highness, it's starting to rain." "You stupid clouds!" "You are going to be in so much trouble." "Faster." "Quit bouncing." "Carry me higher." "Slow down." "Well, Po, at least she likes your present." " Whoa!" " What?" "Look out!" "She's got fire poppers." "And the best part is, that'll never, ever get annoying." "Hey, there, your high, uh, Princessness." "Could you kind of, you know, quit chucking those things at my friends?" "Appreciate it." "So anyway..." "look what I found." "Mah-Jong, the most awesome tile-based game ever." "Weiqi?" "Liubo?" "Si guo qi?" "Come on!" "If you don't like games, what do you like?" "You and the Princess buddies yet?" "It's a process." "Hey, your highness, want to hear a funny joke?" "Guess not." "Princess!" "Yo, Princess, up here!" "Ta-Da!" "Yeah, kids love you." "Right." "I see it." "Why aren't we there yet?" "Make the ground move faster!" "Don't you look at me!" "Now's our chance to attack, for it is the destiny of we the strong to conquer they the weak and, by dint of force, to take from them that which they hold most precious." "Do I have time to pee?" "No!" "Well, if you hurry." "Just..." "Do you think the Princess likes clowns?" "You don't look like a clown, Po." "You look like a lady." " Stop!" " What is it?" "I don't know." "Something." "Hey!" "No one is allowed to yell "stop" but me." "Slap!" "I'll have you beheaded." "I'll have all of you beheaded!" "I'll make you behead yourselves!" "Bandits!" "Hyah!" "Looks like we're going to do this the hard way." "You guys, take the tiger and the bug." "I'll handle the clown." "See?" "I do look like a clown." "I gotta pee again." "Pressure points." "Hope you don't need that arm for the next couple days." "Darn it all!" "Not this time." "Ow!" "What are you..." "Stop fighting." "I want fried rice balls stuffed with sweet bean paste." "Oh, my gosh, I love those." "But we can't stop fighting right now, your imperial highness, ma'am." "You dare touch the royal personage?" "I am the Princess Mei-Li, and I command you to give me fried rice balls." "Here." "Rice balls." "Now stay here." "You'll be safe." "I don't like these fried rice balls." "They need more bean paste." "In a minute!" "Now!" "Ugh!" "More bean paste!" "Po!" "Get me down!" "Now stay there." "You'll be safe." "Where is my red bean paste?" "Wahjig!" "Hei!" "Ha!" "Buulabuula!" "You want some of this?" "That was close, huh?" "Later, losers." "Get me down!" "Now!" "Ah!" "Get your hands off me." "They got everything, including all the food." "Nooooo!" "All that remains is a single jug of water." "My crown was dusty." "I'm thirsty." "And where is my bean paste for my fried rice balls?" "You stink as a warrior!" "You're supposed to protect me." "Yes, Princess." "And you!" "I wouldn't even use you for bait." "Yes, Princess." "Leave them alone." "Puddle-Belly!" "Ooh!" "My stuff is gone, and it's all your fault." "My fault?" "It's my fault?" "You wouldn't stay in the tree." "You let the bandits get away." "You dumped out the last of our water." "And you picked on my friends." "Oh!" "How dare you?" "I dare because when something's wrong, it's wrong." "I don't care how royal highnessy you are." "You are mean, rotten, bossy, and bratty, and nobody likes you." "Wow." "In my mind, that was cooler." "You spoke the truth, buddy." "Worst mistake of your life but appreciated." "Well, this trip has been fun." "We'll camp here for the night." "Yeah, at least there's lots of dirt to eat." "Oh, hello." "Didn't see you there on this..." "log." "So, hey, uh, since I'm here, let me tell you a story." "It's made up." "It's, like, you know, one of those metaphorical, parable-olical things that's, you know, made up." "I mean, it's not based on anything real... ish." "So, anyway," "This Panda is taking this Princess on a journey, and even though he does everything he can to keep her happy and safe, shshe's just kind of...mean." "Like, really mean." "And I tried... that is, the Panda tried hard and told his friends that he could get you to like me." "I mean, her... him..." "her like him, not me." "Him... he... ah." "Anyway, he failed." "No, I failed." "So I kind of had to tell you the truth even though it's not the best idea in terms of, I don't know, staying alive." "I was just trying." "And, well, the moral of the story is..." "Do you smell something burning?" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ooh!" "Ow!" "Ooh ooh ooh ooh!" "You... you fixed it." "Is your foot okay?" "Ugh, if you like medium rare." "You think I don't know nobody likes me?" "Some of them pretend to, but it's just because I'm a Princess." "I never have any friends... not real friends, like you have, like the cricket and that mean man with the stripes." "You have a friend now." "The puppet?" "Duh!" "Me." "Really?" "Yeah, why not?" "As long as you don't chop my head off." "How do I know you don't just want something from me?" "Are you kidding?" "After that bandit attack, you don't have anything." "Hmm." "It's a deal." "So care to lose a game of Mah-jongg?" "I never lose." "And I go first, and..." "I mean, would you like to go first?" "Why, thank you, Princess." "You're still going to lose." "Dream on." "For the rider!" "It's Princess style." "Easy, now." "Easy." "Ha ha ha!" "Ah." "Ah, we're going to hit that tree!" "Uh, is the Princess laughing, or am I crazy?" "I'm thinking both." "The Qidon." "We're there." "Wow." " It looks..." " Smelly." "I was going to say "stanky,"" "but I think we're on the same page here." "Oh!" "We made it." "All right." "Go ahead and knock." "You think they have any fried rice balls stuffed with bean paste?" "That would be great." "It's so nice that you've given her a little happiness before she becomes the Qidon king's servant for the rest of her life." "Well, I..." "Did you say "servant"?" "Of course." "It's why we came here." "We were told this was a peace mission." "It is." "We're giving Mei-Li to the Qidon King in exchange for peace." "A terrible and deadly war raged for decades between us and the Qidon." "It was only by the offer of a Princess, one who would shoulder the burden of her people in tortuous labor, that the war was ended, a difficult but unavoidable arrangement." "Every few years, the king is given a new Princess, for none of them last that long." "No!" "We've got to get her out of here." "Enter!" "Well, I've waited weeks to have my armor scrubbed by a royal servant." "Bring me the Princess..." "my new servant." "What?" "Once more, for clarity." "Give me the Princess!" "All righty." "Here you go." "What?" "Oh, uh, yes." "I am the Princess." "My, my, Princess." "Please, won't you do the ceremonial Princess dancing song for me?" "Uh, ceremonial dancing song?" "Do the Princess dancing song!" "Uh... ♪ Princess ♪" "♺ ceremony dan... ♺" "♺ dance of the... ♺" "♺ ceremony dance ♺" "♪ Princess... ♪" "Stop!" "Do you think I'm stupid?" "A little." "Well, I'm not." "I'm also not patient!" "Hand her over now!" "I can't." "Sorry." "No way." "Can't do it." "So be it." "Hyah!" "These guys are tough." "Stop!" "Huh?" "I won't let you risk your lives for me." "King of the Qidon," "I, Princess Mei-Li, surrender myself to you." "What?" "No!" "I have to, Po." "I accept this offering." "In exchange, I promise peace." "Right, let's start with "get out."" "Put her in chains." "Wait!" "What is it?" "Let's... make a deal." "I'll fight any warrior you choose." "If I win, the Princess returns home with us." "If I lose, you get her and me." "Mm..." "Pass." "Hang on!" "Hang on." "Don't answer yet, 'cause there's more." "I will also throw in Master Tigress and... wait for it... today only," "Master Mantis." "We're doing what, now?" "Why would I want to make a deal like this?" "Come on!" "You'd have the Dragon Warrior as your own personal servant." "Wouldn't that be awesome?" "You're the Dragon Warrior?" "No way!" "He is, really." "Yeah, I had a hard time believing it too." "I defeated Kung Fu masters from across the land." "But to beat the Dragon Warrior and have him as my servant?" "I accept your challenge." "Prepare to fight!" "Temutai, warrior king of the Qidon!" "I thought Temutai was a myth." "They say his Kung Fu is so strong, he can tear an opponent in half without even touching him." "Wow!" "That is awesome." "Or it would be, to watch." "I won't allow this." "You don't have a choice." "Sit down!" "Feeling lucky, huh?" "'Cause here it comes." "I got Dragon Warrior style." "Whoo!" "Wah!" "You're not what I expected from the Dragon Warrior." "I get that a lot." "But wait till you experience my full bodacity." "Ooh... wah-tah!" "Do you need to take a minute to warm up or..." "No." "Just getting my second wind." "Wah!" "Wah-Tah!" "Ha!" "Huh!" "Huh-Huh!" "Guh!" "That's more like..." " Am I alive?" " Po, this guy's too big." "You can't fight him Panda style." "Don't know another style." "Well, you better figure one out!" "Sack of rice style?" "Ooh hoo hoo hoo hoo!" "You can beat him, Po." "I know you can." "Oh, thanks, Princess, but I..." "Hey!" "Princess style!" "This way." "Left here." "Ha!" "Do it, Po!" "Do it!" "Big finish!" "Oh, yeah!" "Who's got the moves?" "You." "You do." "So we can leave with the Princess, and you'll keep your promise of peace, right?" "Yes." "Oh!" "We need one more thing." "Awesome fried rice balls." "Yeah." "Oh, they got the bean paste just right, buddy." "That's right, buddy." "Hold on." "Wait." "Hold on." "Wait." "What if we just take the gold and jade but we leave the fabric?" "Wait, all right, this is what..." "I'll carry the fabric." "That pattern?" "Really hard to find." "Unlike you idiots." "Darn it!" "Run!" "You guys." "Seriously?" "Come on." "This is just embarrassing." " Ha!" " Ha!"