"Would it kill you to call me Mom?" "Just once?" "Would it?" "Everyone calls you Patricia." "But you're not everyone, you're my son." "And you're my Patricia." "Everyone thinks that I have a photographic memory." "But that's not really accurate." "I'm more like a video camera." "I record what I see, and, for reasons beyond me, I always remember." "Frankly, I've always found photographs depressing, especially the old ones." "That's my mother, Patricia." "The product of an unplanned pregnancy." "Patricia was the only girl in a family of four boys." "Five, counting my Grandpa Stan." "My grandmother was pregnant for 72 months." " Ow!" " Or six years." "Just about 1/6th of her entire life." "Uncle Billy was the first born of six sons." "Tim and Tom came next, then Jimmy, followed by two baby boys who died in the uterus." "And finally, Patricia... who, by all accounts, had a very happy childhood." "Cheese!" " Cheese!" " Cheese!" "Until her tenth birthday." "# For she's a jolly good fellow #" "# For she's a jolly good fellow #" "# For she's a jolly good fellow #" "# Which nobody can deny M" "Happy birthday, Patricia." " The candles aren't lit." " Oh." "Stan." "Stan!" "Hand me your lighter." "What lighter?" "Oh..." "You mean... this lighter." "Boys, if it wasn't for this lighter..." "I'd have been shot straight through the heart by one of them pinko, Commie, socialist, Karl Marx-loving, liberal wack jobs, subversive moon bat, hippie freaks." "Uh-huh." "But if he thought he could kill" "Stan "The Man" Herman..." "Kapow, kapow, kapow!" "Both:" "Faggot." "Now, one of you boys gets this when I die, so be careful with it." "You got something to say, Billy?" "I'm too high to bother with the likes of you, Stanley." "You son of a" "Give me the goddamn lighter, now." "Uh, Mommy?" "Oh." "Oh, dear, oh, dear." "Oh..." "It's almost out." "I'll save ya!" " Stop, drop and roll!" " Jesus H. Christ!" "Stop, drop and roll, stop, drop and roll, stop, drop and roll, stop, drop and roll!" "My grandmother's death was only the beginning." "Woo!" "I said I'm Starsky, you're Hutch." "Fine, have it your way." "Starsky's a total homo anyway." "You calling me queer?" "What if I am..." "Starsky?" "Take it back, take it back!" " I ain't homo!" " Okay, okay, I take it back!" "You ain't homo!" "Put down the gun, Tim." "Jesus H. Christ!" "You didn't really think I'd shoot my own brother, did you?" "Ahh!" "Uncle Jimmy died of AIDS." "How he got it, no one talks about, which, to me, makes it even sadder." "Since no one ever talks about him, it's like Uncle Jimmy was never born." "Happy birthday, Billy." "Going somewhere?" "I'm going up Canada way." "Canada?" "What for?" "I'm 18 now." "I don't got a choice." "Yes, you do, stay here." "If I stay here they'll ship me off to 'Nam or they'll lock me up in jail." "Either way you look at it, I gotta go." "But I can't take care of Stan, not all by myself." "I'm only ten years old." "You're gonna do great, Patty." "I know you are." "Are you stoned?" "Stay here with me." "Please, Billy, please!" "I..." "I can't." "My name's not Patty, it's Patricia." "And you're a coward, William Herman." "You must be the change you wish to see in this world." "E-R-A!" "I proudly accept your nomination for vice president of the United States." "Anita Hill!" "Keep your rosaries off my ovaries!" "Keep your rosaries off my ovaries!" "Mommy!" "Mommy!" "Mommy!" "Mom, Mom, Mom!" "Mommy?" "Happy birthday, Patricia." "Why is that woman crying, Mommy?" "Because God is punishing her for being Satan's helper, honey." "Baby killers!" "Baby killer!" "Jesus H. Christ!" "Congratulations." "It's a boy." "It's a what?" "A beautiful, healthy baby... boy." "But-- but-- but that's impossible!" "All the sonograms said it was a girl!" "I wallpapered her room pink because it's supposed to be a girl!" "A beautiful, healthy baby" "Henrietta." "So beautiful." " Hello." " Hello." "So, guys, um..." "I'm feeding my grandson the other day, you know?" "Henry." "He's like nine months old." "These carrots are... mmm... delicious!" "Tastes like shit!" "The kid says..." "That was funny, do it again." "I'm not shitting ya." "The kid at nine months old is speaking." "Wait 'til I tell the boys." "My grandson's a freak genius!" "No, no, no, no, no, Stan." "You do not say a word about this to anyone." " Stan..." "Stan..." " I swear, I swear, I swear." "You know, the kid's not just smart." "You can tell, he's got a good heart." "What's a freak, Patricia?" "A freak is... someone who's very special." "Henry, honey." "It makes me feel lucky." "Stop pointing at him." "Aw..." "I didn't say nothing to no one." "Then what is this?" "Now that there is one photogenic kid." "I don't want Henry to see any of this." "This... this... trash." "I don't want him to know anything about it." "You got it." "Now let's go home." "I can't... take care of you anymore." "I won't." "Patricia." "I'm a grown man who can take care of himself!" "You're a grown man who's never cooked a meal for himself in his entire life!" "Or washed any of his own underwear or raised any of his four sons or made the necessary arrangements to bury three of them!" "Oh..." "Now don't you cry, Henry, my boy." "Uh..." "Your mother's right." "Your Grandpa Stan being here..." "Me being here is best for all of us." "YUP" "Best for..." "Gotta go, Geronimo!" "What?" "Ahh!" "I'm okay." ""Y- "." ""Y- "." ""Y- "." ""Y- "." ""Y- "." ""Y- "." ""Y- "." ""Y- "." "Now, who can tell me one word that begins with the letter "Y"?" "Henry." "Why?" "No, no, "Y" is a letter, not a word." " You're stupid." " Freak." "I mean, "why" as in W-H-Y are we here learning this crap?" "Why?" "They suspended you from kindergarten?" "When can I go back to school?" "You are not going back to that institution." "You're gonna go to a real school." "One that nurtures, rather than punishes the precocious!" "One that encourages its students to pursue the truth!" "Now... whose father hasn't had an opportunity to address the class, hmm?" "How about you, Henry?" "My father sends his sincere apologies, Sister Hathaway, but he's currently away saving the world." "So, in his absence, I present to you" "Oh, my God." "Who is it?" "Wonder Woman?" "Must be the Invisible Man 'cause we all know you ain't got no daddy." "All:" "Ooh..." "Well... at least I'm not adopted, Malcolm." "Who says I was adopted?" "!" "Unless your father suffers from vitiligo universalis..." "I do." "Vitig..." "What?" "The Michael Jackson disease." "I am not adopted." "Am I, Daddy?" "Look in the mirror, kid." "You're black." "Who made Black History Month the month of February?" "The shortest month of the year?" "The white devil." "That's right, son." "The lying white devil!" "You got a problem with that?" "I'm not saying all you people look alike" "Who-- who all?" "Me all?" "Oh, you're talking about my people?" "You got something you wanna say about my people?" "Don't I know you?" "I do not associate with the filthy flesh of swine, pig!" "Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight..." "It's about Rodney-- Rodney King!" "Rodney King, Rodney King!" "Rodney King!" ""Open your eyes, people," ""for you have been blinded from the truth long enough." ""There is no Easter Bunny," ""no Tooth Fairy..." ""no Santa Claus." "There is no devil."" "And there is no God?" "No!" "They're lies!" "Lies that exist because man has fooled himself into believing that he can see the truth!" ""When in reality, man cannot see that the hand before his face is his own."" "You don't believe in God?" "I have my doubts." "Then why are you here?" "Why are any of us here?" "What is the purpose of our being?" "I'm talking about here, at this Catholic school." "Ms. Herman, surely you don't condone your son's beliefs?" "I believe my son is capable of drawing his own conclusions." "You work in a cafeteria, do you not?" "I manage a dormitory dining hall, at the university, not that I can see how that's at all relevant." "Then tell me, Ms. Herman, how would you feel if your son's misplaced, misguided heretic beliefs caused a riot in your dining hall?" "There is too a God, you freak!" ""A" pluses across the board." "And that man wants either a public apology or an expulsion?" "Is that even a choice?" "We choose expulsion." "We choose to fight against the tyranny." "We choose to fight against it." "Who's my father, Patricia?" "Who's my father?" "Who your father is isn't important." "You have me, a mother who loves you more than life itself." "But everyone else has a father." "Why do you want to be like everyone else?" "You're not like everyone else." " You're very special." " You mean I'm a freak." " You're not a freak." " You said so yourself." "A freak is someone who's very special." "I don't remember saying that." "I do, I remember." "I remember everything." "And that is an amazing gift." "You are an amazing young man blessed with an amazing gift." "Or cursed." "Happy birthday, Henry, honey." "This is from Grandpa Stan." "Ahh!" "Damn it!" "Where you going, Henry, honey?" "Stan's." "That's a great idea, let's all go celebrate together." "Shall we?" "Buenas tardes, Enfermera Bruna." "In Brazil. we speak Portuguese, not Spanish, idiot." "In the US of we speak English, mi gatita atractiva." "I gave her an eight." "I never knew you spoke Spanish." "Well, there's a lot you don't know about me." "Then again, there's a lot you don't know about you." "Since when did you start speaking Spanish?" "Everyone that works here is from south of the border." "Being here as long as I have, you get used to the lingo." "Besides, they like it when you talk Mexican to them." "I get my money back if this don't work, right?" "Stan." "Stan." "Thank you, Stan." "I appreciate you not pressing charges, Stewart." "Didn't mean to make you look bad in front of your kid." "But I knew I knew you." "You know that... would barely be noticeable if you were really black." "I am really black." "This ain't gonna bounce, is it?" "You have my word, it's good." "White devil's forked tongue is a lying tongue." "Gotta go, Geronimo." "What, what, where you going?" "We're "negoci-tating."" "I'm gonna see what I can find out for you." "If the check clears." "But if I do happen to found somehow," "I didn't find it out... you dig?" "I do dig." "Lesbo, lesbo, lesbo, lesbo," " lesbo, lesbo, lesbo, lesbo..." " Hey, lesbo." "lesbo, lesbo, lesbo, lesbo, lesbo, lesbo, lesbo..." "I hate you." "I hate you." "I hate you!" "I... hate... you!" "There are many people who believe that what you did to your daughter constitutes child abuse." "I've tried to raise my daughter free from gender bias, free from the stereotypes that dehumanize people." "Would you like a tissue, Dr. O'Hara?" "No, no." "No-- yes." "Is that it, is that all of them?" "Encontraste." "Encontraste." "Encontrar." "Aste, aste." "Tu." "You." "You found." "May I have that book?" "You found my..." "Jesus H. Christ." "May I have that book?" "I'm done." "You've really read this whole thing?" "I can record what I see or read." "And I always remember." "Always?" "The parental-manipulation theory." "Posits that by selecting either heterosexual or homosexual practices as the acceptable norm, parents can promote to their offspring a specific passage of sexuality." "Page two, second paragraph." ""Among other disorders, the test subject suffers from..."" ""An acute sense of unexplained dinophobia." "A fear of dizziness that often results in nausea and vomiting."" "Page 142" " Paragraph four." " Third paragraph." "The paragraph at the top of page 142 is carried over from the previous page." "Slavkin O'Hara." "Henry James Herman." "What are you doing?" "Can you help me take out the trash, Henry?" "Here we are." "Home sweet home." "Henry?" "Is your daughter home?" "Uh..." "Audrey's... in school." "Speaking of which, shouldn't you be in school as well?" "I got expelled." "Expelled?" "For what?" "Heresy." "If a bullet is fired straight up into the sky, it will slow down, stop, then fall to earth again-- accelerating until it reaches a point where its weight equals the resistance of the air." "Brian." "I didn't do nothing." "Get your butt to the principal's office." "Immediately!" "What's the problem with you people?" "Oh, really?" "And what might be that problem be with my people?" "Unlike where you come from, Ms. Abda." "I was born here, Brian." "Real Americans believe in innocence until proven guilty and you have no proof that I did anything wrong." " Audrey?" " Yes, Ms. Abda?" "Lesbo." "I am not a lesbo!" "Are you okay?" "Today's no worse than the living hell that is my daily existence." "Fire." "Fire, I need fire." "Feel better now, Dr. O'Hara?" "No." "Not really." "Why were you a sperm donor?" "Excuse me?" "You wrote in your book that you donated sperm." "Why?" "I didn't know what else to do with it?" "So I checked off the box." "It was a precautionary measure." "A precaution against what?" "I have testicular cancer?" "Yes." "Cancer of the..." "testicles." "Tell me, Dr. O'Hara." "Do you and..." "Alice plan on having any more children?" "Yes, Mrs. O'Hara and I certainly do." "Then may I suggest you seriously consider sperm banking." "Sperm banking?" "I myself am a sperm donor." "Did you have testicular cancer?" "Thank God, no." "No, no, no." "Some people donate blood, I donate semen's." "Why?" "Not?" "These are release form." "Pretty standard stuff really, no biggie." "Now should your fertility be unaffected by the chemotherapy, then all of your sperms shall be properly disposed of." "Unless..." "Unless?" "You consent to have it donated by checking off that box." "Little box at the bottom." "Little teeny box." "The process is completely anonymous and you will be monetarily compensated." "Money's not the issue." "Then consider it a means of fulfilling your biological imperative." "I can only imagine the profound love pouring out of a mother's heart when she first embraces her newborn child." "A JOY that you... you have made possible." "Alice." "I know, I know, Gunter, I know, I'm late." "It's been almost an hour." "Honey?" "You look positively radiant." "You are too kind, Gunter." "Now then." "What's all this about?" "You... you didn't start without me, did you?" "God, Slavkin, I left work early to be here." "That is so like you to be totally selfish." "I took your last name." " Remember?" " Alice Stravinowsky?" "What would people think?" "That we're married." "Well." "I may have lost my wife to my oncologist, but my fish can still swim." "At least I still have my health." "Which is a lot more than I can say for Dr. Flowers." "What happened to Dr. Flowers?" "The Bulls won a championship." "And the Bulls win the championship." "Chicago is going crazy tonight." "Hundreds have been arrested as fireworks and random gunfire explode throughout the city." "Gunter!" "Gunter!" "Don't pretend like you don't hear me, Gunter!" "Yes, honey." "Yes, Henry?" "Huh?" "You look like you have something you want to say." "Oh, it's-- it's nothing." "So, now that you find yourself to be a man without a school... what are your plans?" "My plans?" "To continue your education." "Patricia and I haven't really talked about that." "Who's Patricia?" "My mother." "You call your mother by her first name?" "What does Audrey call you?" "My daughter calls me names." "Bad ones mostly." "Always actually." "Local news covering the greater Chicago-land area." "The Windy City is about to get a whole lot windier as the city braces itself" "I want to go to college." "Stay tuned for "Storm Watch," every hour, with our mega..." "Children your age don't go to college." "When you were ten, you took care of the entire family." "I didn't have a choice." "But I do, Patricia." "Okay, listen to me, Henry, honey." "I see what happens to boys and girls twice your age who leave home and go off to college." "Credit card debt." "Credit card debt is the root of all evil." "But I don't want to go away to college." "I want to stay right here at home and go to the university." "Do you have a better plan for my future?" "Patricia." "Patricia." "You're smothering me, Patricia." "I know I am, I know." "It's what mothers do." "Just promise me you won't grow up too fast, okay?" "You'll only break your mother's heart." "I promise." "So... anything else you want to tell me?" "Anything at all?" "As a rule, Patricia, the Spanish "H" is always silent." "Fill all corresponding bubbles... completely." "Erase all stray marks... completely." "You have 30 minutes... to answer 30 questions completely." "Are there any questions?" "You may begin." "May I help you?" "Not with... 28 minutes left." "Impossible." "Come back when you really are done." "I'm done." "The university usually frowns upon admitting students so young in age." "However, given Henry's unprecedented test scores, we're willing to offer a full academic scholarship with an annual stipend of 12,000, all terms nonnegotiable." "Let me be perfectly clear, President Sullivan." "Without my consent, Henry doesn't go to college." "20,000." "My son is not for sale." "30,000." "100,000." " 50." " 80." " 60." " 75,000 a year for the length of Henry's matriculation." "Nonnegotiable." "It's a deal, Ms. Herman." "Henry's stipend must be invested in the following manner." "I suggest you write this down." "Proceed." "With Henry as sole beneficiary, 50% of his stipend will be invested in blue chip mutual funds." "The remaining 50% in US Treasury notes." "On his 18th birthday, Henry alone will be entitled to the entirety of both accounts." "Do we have a deal?" "Uncle." "We can leave now, Henry, honey." "Henry?" "Honey?" "Henry?" "Henry!" "Henry!" "Henry!" "Henry!" "Don't walk away from me while I'm talking to you." "Henry." "Henry James Herman, you stop right there!" "Did you beat him?" "Did you out-negotiate President Sullivan?" "Yes, I did." "Well, congratulations, Patricia." "I don't appreciate your sarcasm." "I don't appreciate being used." "I don't want a stipend, I don't need the money." "Not right now you don't, but you'll thank me when you turn 18." "I did this for you, Henry, honey." "You did it for yourself, Patricia!" "How dare you raise your voice at me" " I am your mother." "Without me, your genius butt wouldn't be alive." "Well, if I am a genius," "I can assure you I didn't inherit my genius gene from you, now, did I?" "Well, if not me, then who?" "Him." " Him?" " Me?" "Egg, meet Sperm." "Sperm, my mother." "Patricia Herman." "Dr. O'Hara just happens to be my biological father." " You?" " Me?" "Oh, my God." "I think I'm gonna..." "I'm sorry, Henry, could you repeat what you just said?" "The part where I said that you're my biological father?" "Yeah, that's it." "That's what I thought you said." "I'm your father." "How so exactly?" "I'm a test-tube baby." "Oh." " Oh, no." " What's wrong?" "Just imagining Audrey's reaction to the news." "Well, you're taking it rather well." "Oh, I'd probably faint too if I wasn't so heavily medicated." "After our book-burning incident, my psychiatrist upped my dosage." "Now I don't feel much of anything." "Lesbo, lesbo, lesbo, lesbo, lesbo, lesbo, lesbo..." "I'll be right back." "I'd like to Audrey myself, if you don't mind." "Oh, I don't think that's such a..." "Audrey?" "Yeah, that's me." "Who are you?" "You're not alone, Audrey." "Not anymore." "Lesbo." "I'm your half..." "Brother." "Ew!" "Who is that kissing my Henry?" "That would be my Audrey." "I tried telling you." "But then you kissed me!" "I can't hear you, I can't hear you, I can't hear you." "I've never been kissed before by a woman who wasn't Patricia." "She doesn't use her tongue like you do." "Oh, I'm so gonna puke." "Hey, Who's hungry'?" "Anyone?" "Anyone?" "I'm starving." "I've never been here before." "That's because the faculty club's off-limits to people like us." "You mean poor people." "I mean proletariat." "President Sullivan did rename it the Libertarian Club in an attempt to make it more inclusive." "Now anyone can come here?" " No." " No." "Well, then, why did he bother changing the name?" "Why did Kentucky Fried Chicken change its name to KFC?" "Did they suddenly stop frying their chicken?" "No." "They most certainly did not." "In their defense, they did add baked chicken to their menu." "It was grilled." "If it wasn't for this university, then this entire area would be an economic wasteland." "Would it not?" "And that justifies this university's refusal to pay its workers a decent living wage?" "Well, I'm just playing devil's advocate, Ms. Herman." "How can you play the devil's advocate when you are the devil, Dr. O'Hara?" "What?" "My daughter hates you, Henry." "But don't be offended." "Audrey hates everyone." "What a terrible thing to say about your daughter." "You did just say that I was the devil, did you not?" "It's true." "I do hate everyone." "Everyone but babbling babies and retards soaked in their own drool." "I believe the clinical term is intellectually disabled." "So it's better to be disabled than retarded." "To the intellectually disabled, yes, it is better." "I'm so out of here." "Sit down, Audrey." "Am I the only one here who's not in, like, total denial?" "Totally messed up?" "Open your eyes, people!" "For you've been blinded by the truth long enough." "What did you say?" " Nothing." " Whatever." "Audrey's right." " This is an awkward situation." " You think?" "When my Grandpa Stan told me" "Don't you dare mention that man's name ever again." "He is dead to me now." "Dead." "When my grandfather told me that he'd found my half-sister, we both assumed that she was just like me." "A test-tube baby." "It was a petri dish." "But then when Dr. O'Hara told me that Audrey was already conceived before he was diagnosed with cancer" "You had cancer?" "It was a long time ago." "You never told me you had cancer." "I've been cancer-free for over a decade." "But it could still come back, right?" "I'm sorry to disappoint you yet again, Audrey, but I hope not." " You're not a test-tube baby." " It was a petri dish!" "You are my half-sister." "One-half of our genes are identical, and since we have different mothers, our common genes could have only come from one source." "Unless..." "Unless what?" "No matter what happens, Audrey, you will always be my daughter, just as I will always be your father." "No matter what." "If you've got something to say, then just say it, Dad." "There's a chance, a very slim chance, infinitesimal really, when you come to think of it, that you may..." "Well, that you may not be my daughter, biologically speaking." "You look positively radiant." "You are too kind, Gunter." "Since when?" "Since you were born." "I mean since when did you realize that you may not be my father?" "Uh..." "Since before you were born." "You were never gonna tell me." "Were you?" "Infinitesimal, remember?" "If I'm not your daughter, then who's my father?" "I'm your father." "I am." "Maybe." "Audrey." "Audrey, honey." "Look at the bright side." "I am looking at the bright side." "The chance that you may not be my father." "However infinitesimal that may be." "Sorry." "I'm not the one you should be apologizing to." "I know who you are." "I read your book." "I tried to raise my daughter free from gender bias, free from stereotypes that dehumanize people." "How do you sleep at night?" "Ambien." "You got no idea how much trouble you caused me, do you?" "You know, you're the reason my son thinks he's adopted." "What is it with you, home wrecker?" "His son is adopted." "So what if he is?" "Does that somehow make me any less of a father?" " Yes." " No." "Come here." "Come here, white devil, you come here." "I know I wasn't born black, okay?" "I know that." "But I know that I am black." "Here." "I'm black right here." "And that's the same way that I know that Malcolm is my son." "Do you understand what I'm saying?" "I know that it must totally suck to be a black man nurse trapped in a white man's body, but the white devil and I have our own paternity problems to deal with." "I need my stepfather's sperm." "The what, with the..." "No, look, whatever weirdness y'all got going on," "I don't know and I don't want to know." "I need to find out if Gunter Flowers is my biological father." "Me too." "No one cares about you, home wrecker." "I got an idea." "Why don't you two just go and ask him?" " Because he's dead." " Because he's dead." "He's dead?" " Dead." " Dead." "And the Bulls win the championship." "Gunter!" "Don't pretend like you don't hear me, Gunter." "Yes, honey." "The trash isn't going to take out itself." "As fireworks and rare gunfire explode throughout the city." "Yes, I am completely aware that trash is an inanimate object." "Gunter!" "Gunter!" "Gunter!" "Gunter!" "Gentle Jesus, please make it stop." "Gunter!" "For the love of God, Alice!" "Will you just shut it up?" "!" "If a bullet is fired straight up into the sky, it will slow down," "Well, if y'all wanna find out who your daddy is," "I suggest you get tested, 'cause as decreed by the Supreme Court, ain't nothing I can do for you without your dead step daddy's permission." "I see my work here is done." "Y'all have a good night." "If this hurts, I will" "Faint." "I think it's a blood-sugar thing." "So..." "Prick me and get it over with." "This totally sucks." "As if my life isn't miserable enough." "It turns out that my real dad may be my dead step-dad." "I'm your real dad." "Maybe." "If my step-dad is my real dad, that makes him your real dad as well." "Which makes you my half-brother." "But the problem is, we don't know who our real dad is, do we?" "It's called process of elimination." "It's called a rhetorical question." "We just have to wait for the test results." "What are we supposed to do until then?" "We could exhume Dr. Flower's body and perform an autopsy." "Well, what are we waiting for?" "Let's get some shovels and start digging." "I didn't do nothing." ""I didn't do nothing" is a double negative." "Which means you did do something, idiot." "Prove it, lesbo." "Hey, hey, hey. hey!" "Ms. Abda, Ms. Abda, Ms. Abda!" "Do you have a question, Brian?" "No?" "Then let's move on, shall we?" "Ms. Abda?" "Yes, Audrey?" "May I go to the restroom?" "It's an emergency." "The period's almost over." "Not for me, it isn't." "Oh?" "Go." "I should so kick your ass." "You have every right to be mad at me." "Oh, yeah?" "I'm sorry for the trouble I've caused you." " You're weak." " I'm ten." "Aren't you supposed to be in college or something?" "Aren't you supposed to be in school?" "I can't stand it when people answer a question with a question." "Then, yes, I'm supposed to be in college." "Then what are you doing here?" "I wanted to know if you're okay." "Let's get one thing straight." "I will never, ever be okay." "Okay?" "I'm permanently damaged." "A freak, just like you." "Don't sweat it." "I think being a freak's kinda cool." "Yeah?" "Better than being a sheep like all the rest of them." "Why would anyone want to be just like everyone?" "What's in your hair?" "It's nothing." "Every ditch school before?" "No." "Where are you going?" "Anger-obics." "Holy "Beautiful Mind."" "Unlike Henry, my memory is, uh... very average." "I have to write down my thoughts in order to remember them." "On Post-it notes." "Well, you can stick them just about everywhere and they stay stuck until you... move them." "Have you heard about that Post-it note that survived Hurricane Hugo?" "140-mile-an-hour winds." "Knocked out eight oak trees in a man's front yard, but the Post-it note stuck on his front door withstood the storm." "What did the Post-it note note?" "I don't know that it noted anything." "The point is that it stayed stuck." "Well, what's the point of posting a blank Post-it note?" "I never said it was blank." "Did it say "please knock" or "no solicitations" or..." "Manifesto on the nature of truth?" "Results indicate test subject's IQ 310." "Test subject?" "Well, I..." "Henry has the second-highest IQ ever recorded." "My Henry is not a test subject!" "Please, sit down, Ms. Herman." " Please." " Jesus H. Christ." "I brought you here to prove to you that I have nothing," " nothing to hide." " How?" "By shoving your notes in my face?" "Notes you intend to use to write a book about my son?" "The test subject!" "Yes!" "No, no, no." "No-- yes!" "My original intention was to write a book about Henry, but that was before yesterday." " Before I found out the truth." " The truth?" "The truth that Henry may be my son." "Henry is my son." "I'm his mother!" "And as for you, you're nothing but a test tube filled with sperm!" "If someone other than you had written that book about Audrey, what would you do?" "I know exactly what I'd do." "If you ever change your mind and write a book about my Henry..." "I will hunt you down and I will kill you." "It was a petri dish." "You were the test tube, I was the petri dish!" "Stop calling me, Stan!" "Now is not a good time" "I've never been to an amusement park before." "Let's go on a ride." "I don't do rides." "Exposure therapy is the best way to get over an acute sense of dinophobia." "I'm not scared of being dizzy." "That's not what I read in your dad's book." "Whoa." "There's nobody here." "We ditched school, remember, genius?" "Let's go on a ride!" "Jesus H. Christ." "What does the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ"" "stand for anyway?" "I don't know, "holy," maybe?" "Your guess is as good as mine." " I thought you knew everything." " I remember everything." "Everything?" "Everything I've ever seen." " Since when?" " Since I was born." "Ew." "That was awesome." "Sit down." "Woo-hoo!" "Yes!" "That's me." "I own this game." "This is anger-obics?" "What did you expect, Tae Bo?" "Amusement parks, I get, but I can't believe you've never played an arcade game before." "Patricia believes in video games are the reason over 4 million children take Ritalin." "Hello, I said shoulder width apart." "Right foot slightly in front of your left hand." "Your other left." "More, more." "Stop." "Now keep your left elbow straight." "You ready?" "See it." "Shoot it." "You suck." "Watch and learn from a master marks-woman." "See it." "Shoot it." "How many did I kill?" "Everyone." "You killed everyone." "Well, I noticed the bad guys are programmed according to a pretty simple recursive equation that determines their appearance on the screen." "Do you want to know the equation so you can finish the game too?" "What can we get for 10,000 tickets?" "10,000 tickets doesn't buy much." "That's funny." "Go on, take it." "It's yours." "What do you say?" "Thank you." "You're welcome." "That was nice of you." "Tell anybody and I will kill you." "Got it." "You have to look at things in the long-term." "In the short-term, my life totally sucks." "But it'll all blow over." "Oprah or no Oprah, they'll all forget that stupid book ever existed." "Just look at Jonathan Franzen." "Who?" "My point exactly." "Besides, all the cash my dad's making from the book is going into a trust fund." "When I turn 18, I'm gonna be rich." "Me." "Not you." "Not we." "Me." "But I don't want any of your money." "Yeah, right." "I don't." "When I turn 18, I'll have my own money." " You wanna bet?" " On what?" "I'll bet you that you that my dad's not our dad." "So I'm betting that your dad is my dad?" "You're a genius?" "Really?" "I never said I was a genius." "And I never said I'm a lesbo." "Bet." "I can't wait for you to meet my Grandpa Stan." "You know, if it wasn't for him, we would have never met." "I can wait to thank him." "Places like this depress me." "Why?" "Is this it?" "Is this where we end up?" "Surrounded by old people who reek of mothballs and menthol?" "All of us just waiting to die?" "Not my Grandpa Stan." "He reeks of cigarettes and whiskey." "Cool." "Hey, everyone." "Where's Stan?" "Nurse Bruna?" "Where's my grandfather?" "Stan?" "Stan?" "Stan!" "Stan!" "Henry, honey." "Patricia... where's Stan?" "Come here, honey." "Please, Henry." "Please." "Where's Grandpa Stan?" "I'm sorry, Henry, honey." "I'm so sorry." "Where is he, Mom?" "Where is he?" "Why aren't you in school?" "74 Nobel Laureates over the course of this university's illustrious history." "But never once has a tenured faculty member appeared on Oprah." "Oh, any publicity is good publicity." "I'm sure things will go much better next time you're on Oprah." "Peddling your new book." "There isn't going to be another book, Charles." "With all the funding being poured into your work?" "Henry... isn't my work." "No?" "Then what is he?" " He's" " He's here because you wanted him to be here." "He's here because we're paying him a lot of money to be here." "He's here because of you." "You're right, Charles." "Henry is here... because of me." "I understand that now." "Thank you, Charles." "Oh, please, Slavkin." "There's no need to thank me." "My job is to manage." "Your job is to publish." "Or perish." "Well, then you're just gonna have to fire me, Charles." "Oh, wait a minute." "That's right, you can't fire me." "I have tenure." "Am I going to beat the odds?" "Henry?" "The transition from prodigy to adult is an extremely difficult one." "Only one in a 100 prodigies succeed in becoming happy, well-adjusted adults." "10,004 Post-it notes of research." "Surely, you must have arrived to some conclusion." "Am I gonna be that one in a hundred?" "You are a very..." "special person." "I know what that means." "Someone of your... extraordinary intellect comes along... maybe once in a century, if at all." "I don't want to be extraordinary." "But extraordinary is exactly what you are." "I don't want to be the test subject of your next book!" "You're not, Henry, you know?" "I promise you, despite what you see, you're not." "All my eyes can see is all I know." "I'm not writing a book about you." "I thought I was, but I'm not, so you can forget about all of this." "All of what you see." "I can't forget." "This arrived in the mail." "It's addressed to me, but made out to you." "Thought you might be interested in the results." "Where you going?" "To help my mom plan a funeral." "Ahh!" "Ahh!" "Billy?" "Who is he?" "I think he's my uncle." "Are you my Uncle Billy?" "If you're my nephew." "This used to be my room." " Oh, yeah?" " Yeah." "Four walls and some left-over beads." "It's been 35 years." "Why didn't you come back when President Carter granted amnesty to the draft dodgers?" "Back in '77?" "Well, I guess I thought I'd have time to make amends." "Guess that was wrong." "You think?" "Stan wanted you to have this." "Is that a fact?" "He told me so himself." "He wanted to pass it down to one of his sons." "You're his grandson." "So you keep that." "The Vietnam War was one that I, William Herman, opposed." "Due to my moral principles." "I do, however, sincerely regret that in my absence that I've missed a great many things." "I have missed being a brother to my brothers, who have all since perished." "I have missed being a friend to the strongest person I've ever known... my sister." "I've missed being Uncle Billy to..." "He's a remarkable young man." "But I missed most of all... being a son." "Of all my regrets, my single greatest is knowing that I'll never have the opportunity to tell my father how much I miss him." "How much I loved him." "I hate you, Billy Herman." "I hate you so much." "Mothballs and menthol." "You don't have to pretend like you want to be here." "I could pretend to be polite, courteous and communicative." "But I'm not." "I'm a teenager." "You're 12." "I'll be 13 in a week." "$0'?" "So I could pretend to be happy, pretending that you don't exist." "But I wouldn't be happy" "After all, you are my brother." "It's such a relief knowing that Gunter's not our dad." "He was such a tool." "You saw the lab report?" "That means you lost the bet." "That means I won." "Dad loved you most of all." "Yeah, right." "I was an accident." "It was an accident I was ever born." "Dad always wanted a girl." "After four boys in a row, he finally got one." "You." "After he... told Henry the truth," "I..." "I wished he was dead." "Well, at least now you know." "That I wasn't an accident?" "No, you'd better be careful what you wish for." "Cool." "Mom?" "Mom?" "Yes, Henry, honey?" "Who's this?" "That's your Uncle Jimmy." "No, I mean that." "That's you, Henry, honey." "But I don't remember ever meeting Uncle Jimmy." "How could you?" "You were less than a week old." "And you were sound asleep." "That was the day I told Jimmy I named you after him." "Henry James Herman." "I was named after my Uncle Jimmy." "A week later, you were at his funeral." "Do you remember that?" "Yeah." "Me too." "Why don't we put this... back where it belongs." "Every book should have a title." "Well, it could, couldn't it?" "I don't think so." "You said it yourself." "My guess is as good as yours." "It's highly improbably that the "H" stands for Henry." "Let's say that you could go back in time." "Would you still publish that book?" "So many unintentional great things came to be because of that book." "Just answer the question, Dad." "Yes." "I most certainly... would not." "No." "I would not publish that book." "You can't change the past." "But you can change the future." "Henry's right." "Today is my birthday." "And now that I'm an adult..." "I feel that a I have a moral obligation to help make the world a better place." "You do?" "You'?" "You, me." "We should all be the change we wish to see in this world." "Shouldn't we, Henry?" "We should try." "That is why after much thought and deliberation," "I, Audrey O'Hara, on my 18th birthday, will donate 20% of my trust fund to the following organizations." "Okay, fine." "Make that 25%." "33 1/3% and that's final." "I suggest you write this down, Dad." "Uh..." "Right." "Don't seem to have a pen." "Thank you, Henry." "Proceed." "The National Organization for Women." "The Environmental Defense Fund." "The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force." "My name is Audrey Stravinowsky and I am a lesbian." "Patricia was right." "When I turned 18," "I did thank her for the money." "The annual stipend that she negotiated for me when I was ten was more than enough." "A donation in Stan's name was made to the National Law Enforcement Memorial Fund." "The rest was donated to the AIDS Research Alliance to ensure that the memory of my Uncle Jimmy would never again fade away." "But I'm getting ahead of myself." "We have a birthday to celebrate." "# For she's a jolly good fellow #" "# For she's a jolly good fellow #" "# For she's a jolly good fellow #" " # That nobody can deny M - # And so say I M" "The candles aren't lit." "Oh, right." "Henry, honey, hand me your lighter." "I can light the candles, Mom." "I can do this." "I will do this." "Thank you, Dr. O'Hara." "You're welcome..." "Ms. Herman." "And please call me Slavkin." "Slavkin Stravinowsky."