"♪ Theme music" "♪ POP MUSIC (Cheering)" "You sluts had better organise me a fucking stripper!" "This is my princess night and I want my stripper!" "(Cheering) Shots!" "Whoo!" "(Cheering)" "WOMAN:" "Stripping time!" "Shake it all, baby!" "(Women laugh, cheer)" "Oh, yeah!" "WOMAN 1:" "Oh, slap that ass!" "Slap it!" "WOMAN 2:" "Whoo-hoo!" "Ooh..." "Oh..." "Oh, my God, who's this guy?" "Your fly's undone!" "(Groaning)" "Boo!" "Boo, get off." "There'd better be another stripper." "This guys just, like, a total has-been." "I'm so sorry, babes." "I promise the next one is way hotter." "Rory?" "Rory!" "I-It's me, Mary-Angela..." "Ryan." "WOMAN:" "Think we should just head back to the bar girls." "Or maybe there's a dance floor around here somewhere." "Who's this guy?" "(Laughs) Boo!" "Boo, get off." "Oh, my God, what a loser!" "This is awful. (Laughter)" "Holy shitballs!" "Mate, she's a ten!" "Big tits!" "Bang!" "Bang!" "Bang!" "Jesus, mate!" "Hey, Mum uses that for online shopping." "You still going, boys?" "Hey, Tony, check out Juzz's new girlfriend." "Oh, little Justin's got himself a new girlfriend, has he?" "Not a girlfriend exactly, Dad, not yet." "Or not ever if you don't do anything." "Take a selfie and tag her already." "No, I'm waiting for the right time, OK?" "She's gonna say something interesting, then I'll write something back funny and then she'll like it, then we'll start messaging." "Meanwhile Big Tits turns 70." "Can you not call her that." "OK?" "Her name is Katie, alright?" "Anyone can like a photo of her." "I'm trying to set myself a part." "Mate, I don't think you understand how this works." "Could I...?" "Oh, hubba hubba." "They are whoppers." "Oh, Dad, just stop it, alright?" "Look, I know we live in the age of swiping left and right and thinly veiled status updates but... what about taking a bit of time to get to know someone?" "Fuck!" "What d'you just do?" "(Laughs)" "It's funny!" "It's funny!" "That's not funny!" "That's the opposite of funny, it's seriously unfunny, Tonka!" "I have no idea what's happening here." "Tonka's just liked the photo of her toes on my behalf." "And you don't like the toes?" "No, she's got great toes." "Just, it's a really old photo." "And that's no good?" "No, because now she thinks I'm at home trawling through her pics and liking photos since... 2011?" "!" "(Snorts) So annoying, Tonka!" "Hi, sorry, I knocked but..." "Justin!" "Juzzy, actually." "Abby." "Denford." "Abby Denford!" "I thought you moved to Brisbane." "I just moved back down." "Yeah, I wanted to, uh, pursue my lifelong dream of becoming a pizza delivery girl." "Justin, you remember Abby." "Little Abby from number 23." "You used to have baths together." "So I'm told. (Laughs)" "Pizza delivery girl's seen your little dick, huh?" "It was a long time ago, OK?" "I don't remember what you..." "look like?" "Well, even if you'd forgotten, it's grown up a lot since then so..." "Good to know." "Yep." "♪ POP MUSIC" "It's Rory Flynn." "We went to the same school." "I wanted him to be my Deb partner, but my mum made me take my cousin who was shorter than me and the only 15-year-old I've ever met with a bald spot." "Well, you should definitely ask him." "Oh, maybe google him first to make sure he's not a sex pest." "Or a racist." "Or a racist sex pest!" "Nah." "He's not any of those." "He's perfect." "Can't you just unlike the photo?" "You can't unlike a photo, OK, that's much worse." "This is why I don't use social media for dating." "Ah, well, when I met Justin's mum, that was New Year's Eve and that was face to face." "Ah, it was a moonlit balmy night..." "Alright, Dad." "We can't all have the all-time greatest meeting story, alright?" "Times have changed, it's not 1936 anymore." "(Facebook message tone) Oh, my God!" "What?" "A message from Katie Nixon." "Bullshit." "'Do you want to have a drink at the A Hole, Friday - winky face!" "'" "I go there for work drinks all the time." "See?" "I knew what I was doing!" "(Laughs)" "(Boys shout in triumph)" "Shh!" "You'll wake up your mum." "(Boys cheer quietly)" "♪ DANCE MUSIC (Women scream)" "Whoo-hoo!" "Can you please..." "Sorry." "Thanks." "Come on, babe, show me some love." "Oh, OK, OK." "Sorry." "(Women squeal in laughter)" "(Coins jingle)" "Thank you." "Excuse me." "Rory?" "They make you change in the kitchen." "Lady, if you found a pube in your fisherman's basket, you need to take that up with management." "It did not come from me, I'm waxed." "You probably don't remember me." "I went to school with Robbie half a lifetime ago." "You went to school with Robbie?" "Yes." "Uh-huh." "Anyway, lady, this is a restricted area." "Strictly for erotic entertainers and catering staff, so..." "Rory, are you STD-free?" "WOMAN:" "Let me go!" "Let me go!" "I didn't do anything." "No!" "No!" "Big Tits?" "No!" "Help me!" "You got no fucking..." "Juzzy!" "Juzzy!" "Juzzy!" "That's my boyfriend." "Yeah, surely, come on!" "Let's go!" "Juzzy!" "Oh, my God!" "Do something!" "Juzzy!" "You want what?" "!" "Is it such a big ask, really?" "Yes, it is!" "It's my sperm, it's sacred." "It's for my own personal, private use." "And for the very special ladies of my choosing." "How would you like it if I asked to borrow your vagina?" "Alright, I know it's a big ask, but I'm desperate." "Max and I have run out of options." "The last donor who we thought we had across the line," "Raymondo, has just pulled out." "Is this the same Raymondo who strips in Gold Digs?" "Let me tell you about him, he uses a penis pump and he chafes like a bastard, so watch out." "Our window is very tight, ovulationally speaking." "It would be great if we could knock it off tonight." "Listen, matey, I'm sorry for you and your husband, whatever his name is, but I'm an erotic entertainer." "Not a sperm bank." "Capisce?" "Thanks, darl." "Crazy, crazy lady." "I'll give you $1,000." "I just want one more drink!" "So the lady says you're her boyfriend." "Oh, no, not boyfriend." "We're just friends on Facebook and Instagram." "Pretty huge now, Facebook." "That's all you need, isn't it?" "One good idea and then - bam!" " you're worth gazillions." "So you don't know Miss Nixon?" "I know that she's halfway through series two of Homeland, if that helps." "What did she do exactly?" "The offender stabbed the waiter in the arm with her stiletto." "She was given soda water instead of still." "Let me out of the car!" "Oh, my God!" "You wait, freak!" "Fucking toe freak!" "You a toe man, are you?" "Oh, no." "She's a bit crazy." "Me too." "KATIE:" "Let me out!" "Juzzy?" "KATIE:" "Let me out of this car!" "Mate!" "Abby, hey." "What are you doing here?" "Work drinks." "And then I saw all this." "And then I saw you." "How's the date going?" "Yeah, good." "KATIE:" "Fuck you, arsehole!" "Well..." "You know, I can see you've already got pet names for each other." "That's a good thing." "KATIE:" "You freak!" "Thanks." "There you go, lady." "That'll be 1,000 bucks, thank you very much." "I know it sounds crazy, Rory, but you have done something very special tonight." "It's always something very special, darling." "I'll just find something to cover it with." "Whoo!" "Shots!" "What shot was that?" "That wasn't a shot, lady, you just drank my ji..." "A Rory's Glory!" "I-It's new." "They're all drinking them in Sydney." "Tastes a little like..." "Sambuca!" "Mm!" "I like it!" "I want a dozen Rory's Glories!" "b" "There you go." "I forgot to ask what you wanted, so I just got you a whisky sour, is that OK?" "Uh, totally, that's my favourite drink." "Really?" "Yeah." "Me too." "How bizarre." "(Sighs) What just happened back there?" "(Chuckles)" "I know, I mean, who would have thought that Big Tits could turn out to be crazy, right?" "I mean, you think you know somebody and then..." "Yeah, you think because you like the same TV shows as them or find their Tweets funny that they're perfect for you." "Then you meet them in person and..." "You realise you should have just dated their Facebook page?" "There's something seriously wrong with that, isn't there?" "Yeah, I mean, it's completely messed up, but think about it this way." "At least all this happened on your first date." "Imagine if this had happened on your wedding night." "I'm not sure I would have chosen the A Hole as our wedding venue." "Really?" "Yeah." "Oh, that's strange." "I hear the staff here are wonderful." "Especially if you don't, you know, stab them with a shoe." "Thank you very much." "Not at all." "Alright, I'll give you one more." "But if somebody drinks this one, that's it." "Just because I was made with this stuff doesn't mean I'm made of this stuff." "I'll give you $500 now and $500 on delivery." "You know, I think I do remember you." "Do you?" "You were Robbie's mate." "That's right." "He's dead, you know?" "Oh, Rory, I'm so sorry." "No, no, it's alright." "Hey, I was thinking, you know, since I'm giving ya Rory's greatest hits, why am I doing it in a cup?" "Why don't we do it au naturel?" "That's not really an option." "Hey, come on, you know?" "If I'm gonna knock some lady up, I want to do it the way God intended." "By having a nice three-star motel room, bottle of Lambrusco..." "Sweet Child Of Mine playing on the stereo." "It's just that I'm not really that into penises." "What are you talking about?" "You've been sucking on those cock things like a nymphomaniac on her death bed." "Oh, I have low blood sugar." "Your husband, he'd understand." "Max is gay." "Maxine?" "And luckily, so am I." "You're a lesbian." "Just makes it even hotter." "Not so much for me." "So it's New Year's Eve, 1987." "Dad goes to this party on a beach." "He's not drinking because he's driving his brand-new second-hand FJ Holden." "He sees Mum there for the first time and falls in love with her instantly." "Right?" "The only problem is Mum's got a boyfriend - Chook Matthews." "Chook Matthews?" "Mm-hm." "Gets blind drunk and passes out." "OK." "Anyway, Dad offers to drive Mum home and she accepts 'cause she doesn't know anyone and has concluded by that time that Chook Matthews is a bit of a dickhead." "Anyway, they totally hit it off." "And Dad takes Mum to this sweet spot to watch the fireworks." "He pops the boot and he's got his record player in there." "He was taking it to the shop the next day to get the needle replaced." "He only has one song - The Lady In Red by Chris De Burgh." "No!" "It happens to be Mum's favourite." "I love that song." "Yeah." "So he builds up the courage to kiss her and just happens to be smack on midnight." "Cue the fireworks." "Can you believe that?" "Completely unplanned." "Big Tits." "I don't know, probably about medium." "Mum's had kids since then so..." "No, no, Big Tits, uh..." "You." "Oh, Jesus, shit." "What are you going to do with it?" "Me?" "I'm going to Vegas." "Las Vegas." "It's in America." "Yeah, I'm auditioning for a show, strip show " "Thunder From Down Under." "See, in Vegas, you got Celine Dion up here," "Thunder From Down Under here," "Cirque Du Soleil down there." "Yeah, going over with six guys from the agency." "Gonna be heaps fun." "Well, if I'm ever in Las Vegas, I'll be sure to pop in and make sure I have lots of big bills on me." "Yeah, good." "So, uh, I suppose we should get started." "Yep." "Um, I know a place close by that's a lot more..." "Sexy?" "Hygienic." "Pft!" "What are you talking about?" "This place is heaps hygienic." "(Vomiting)" "You should have lined your stomach, hm?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "It's alright now." "Look, why don't we just do this back at your place?" "Oh, no, trust me, Max is very finicky." "We're much better in here." "Yep, I could eat my sushi off this." "Listen, I just... cranked one out." "There's a reason why you don't have lunch right after breakfast, you know what I mean?" "Oh!" "Sorry, yeah, Max is much more across all of this than I am." "Yeah, she's been researching it and the whole kit and caboodle." "Yeah, interviewing candidates from Sweden, Spain, Morocco." "And of course all of them came up short." "I think she's looking for a man that doesn't exist." "What do you want me to jizz into this time?" "Where were you while I spent the last few hours getting molested by the cops?" "Whoa, what?" "It's a figure of speech, you dickhead." "OK, let's just calm down..." "You are a weak dog." "Uh, no, he's not." "Excuse me?" "!" "You don't even know the guy." "Yes, I do." "Uh, I know that his favourite drink is a whisky sour." "And he went to Queenstown last year and bailed on the bungee." "And I know that for Halloween he dressed up as Justin Timberlake and you know what, he looked really hot." "Oh, big whoops!" "So we both follow him on Facebook." "First world problems, you loser." "Yeah, I've also seen his little dick!" "(Laughter)" "It was a long... time ago." "I'm sure it's changed since then." "You've been stalking me online?" "Ah..." "Are you alright in there?" "(Pants) You know, it's hard enough to concentrate with the waft of sushi in the air, let alone you waiting out there." "You know, I was gonna ask you to be my Deb partner." "Actually, I wanted to ask Leanne Simpkin, the captain of the cricket team." "But the timing was a bit out by a few years." "Do you need any help?" "Actually, uh... (Clears throat)" "You know, if you feel like it, c-could you talk dirty?" "Oh, uh, OK." "OK." "Wow... big boy, you're really... handsome." "Um..." "Boobs are fun." "Is that helping?" "Uh..." "Can you do a sexy accent?" "Uh, sure, yeah." "I don't want to brag, but, actually, I did do theatre sports at school." "Can you do Swedish?" "Uh, I can't do the Swedish but how about Kiwi?" "(Kiwi accent) Is that sexy?" "Is that helping, big boy?" "If I speak like that?" "Is it, sexy?" "Maybe not." "Um..." "Ah!" "I know." "I can do Dutch." "(Dutch accent) Dutch people are really sexy." "Oh, baby, grab your clogs and slip into bed and I will give you a really hot Dutch oven." "Is that helping?" "Uh..." "OK, um..." "I know." "Um... (Imitates sexy trumpet music)" "(Man speaks in Japanese) Uh-huh, oh." "He wants to know if you have business card." "Oh, no, I-I'm not, I'm not a... (Big moan)" "Yeah, look, this is a little bit embarrassing, but I may have looked you up just a little bit the other night on Facebook after I saw you." "Yeah, that Timberlake Halloween was a couple of years ago." "I went back a bit." "Yeah, I did some... research." "Look, Juzz, I just..." "I hadn't seen you in such a long time and I was genuinely curious." "You did the same thing with Katie." "Yeah, but I thought this was different." "I thought this was a good, old-fashioned" "How We Met story, but it's not." "Aren't you flattered that I found you interesting enough, you know, to want to look you up a bit?" "What about the drinks?" "Did you say that so we'd have something in common?" "We do have things in common." "I mean, we used to take a bath together, for God's sakes." "Exactly!" "So why the need for this?" "It's not real." "Juzz..." "Have a good night." "Justin!" "♪ DANCE MUSIC" "What are you doing now, lady?" "The sperm needs to be kept at a warm temperature, I do know that." "Yeah, that does look like a very warm spot." "What if this kid grows up... ..all pissed off, you know, makes bad choices?" "Goes to a shopping mall in America, shoots people, could I get sued?" "I got enough money problems as it is." "That would be like suing Alexander Graham Bell for sexting." "Yeah, right." "Uh, who's he?" "Graham...?" "If anyone gets sued, it'll be us." "Yeah, well, that's what I'm talking about - us." "Us, meaning me and Maxine." "Alright, well, let me ask you this." "What if I'm stripping at a party and my daughter's all grown up and she sees me, she recognises me?" "You know?" "You know what that hen called me tonight?" "She called me a has-been." "Well, that's not fair." "I know!" "'Cause I never have been!" "Rory... do you want to be a father?" "No!" "Maybe." "Not today." "Maybe..." "I don't know, maybe tomorrow." "Let me ask you, what kind of a psycho woman walks into a pub, goes up to a complete stranger and asks for his sperm?" "You're not a stranger, Rory." "I know you, you're a good guy." "I mean, I might not be as smart as Max." "But I am a really good judge of character." "As it turns out, I did my research years ago." "Lady, I reckon you might be a stalker." "Here's your money back." "Give me back my sperm." "No." "Give me back my sperm." "Rory, please don't do this." "Rory, please don't do this." "It's my sperm." "Rory, no!" "Give me... (Glass shatters)" "Rory." "(Dog barks)" "Dad, you reckon it's still possible to meet a girl like how you met Mum?" "You know, serendipity?" "Serendipity?" "Seren-bullshit." "There was nothing serendipitous about it." "Didn't you meet Mum at that New Year's Eve party when Chook Matthews passed out?" "OK, maybe I spiked poor old Chook's beer with a few shots of tequila and maybe I leased that FJ Holden for a week 'cause I knew your mum really loved them and maybe I found out what her favourite song was." "Yeah, but what about the record player?" "Oh, come on, who would keep a record player in the boot of the car?" "Even in 1987?" "You were getting it fixed." "If it was broken, how could it work?" "Jesus, you're a creep." "A romantic creep." "It's a fine line, my friend." "There you go, champ." "Thanks, tiger." "♪ ..placed all my worries, all my faith" "♪ I can't be wrong, I can't be wrong" "♪ But in my haste, I closed my eyes and all the love escapes... ♪" "G'day, I'm Rory." "I believe you're after my sprog." "Mary-Angela?" "♪ Don't go 'cause I waited for you ♪" "Rory." "♪ I can see that ♪" "(Phone rings) ♪ There's a way to get through" "♪ In the time it takes you to walk on by..." "♪" "Hello?" "Hey, it's Juzzy." "♪ Just don't go... ♪" "Oh." "I like you." "♪ Don't go now... ♪" "Like?" "As in Facebook like or...?" "No, like as in the actual liking of someone." "Well, I like you too." "(Knocking)" "Oh, hang on." "Can you just hang on?" "There's somebody at the door." "Yep, I'll just give you a call back, or get you on Facebook." "OK." "OK, bye." "Hey. (Song continues on phone)" "Hope you don't mind, I looked up your favourite song." "What, you, um..." "you couldn't find a record player?" "♪ When the night-time breaks, it clears the sky... ♪" "(Fireworks on phone)" "♪ It calls you now, it calls you now" "♪ Don't go 'cause I've waited for you" "♪ I can see that... ♪" "MAX:" "He could have any number of diseases." "Oh, and he's a stripper so how tight have his undies been for the last 30 years?" "And worst thing is you said you know nothing about this guy." "I know all I need to know." "You said you'd seen him once." "I went to school with Rory's brother, Robbie." "Robbie had Down Syndrome." "If you could have seen the way that Rory was with Robbie." "The way that he protected him from bullies." "The way that he created diversions when Robbie was having a moment." "I knew 30 years ago that Rory Flynn is father material." "And I stand by that." "You always see the best in people, MA." "You see the world through these rosy-coloured glasses." "I thought I was taking care of this." "I know, but you can't find everything on Google." "(Footsteps)" "Sorry to interrupt." "Uh, I'm not making excuses for the way I am." "But..." "life has given me a few lemons over the journey." "You know?" "And I've tried." "I just, uh, can't seem to make the buggers into lemonade." "It's always a sour, shitty-tasting cocktail, just makes you want to gag." "But anyway, I reckon if I could..." "turn them into lemonade... ..then I'd see the world the way Mary-Angela does." "It's beautiful." "And worthwhile." "If you had asked me to take you to the Debutante Ball... ..I would have said yes." "It would have been my honour." "Thank you, Rory Flynn." "It makes me feel a bit chuffed." "You girls really want to have a baby." "That's nice." "(Sighs) I reckon it's too late for me, but it's not too late for my sperm so if you girls are up for it," "I'm ready to give it another crack." "On the house." "MARY-ANGELA: (Scottish accent) Ooh, Scotty, what a sexy, wee lassie." "Uh... (Clears throat) I'm alright, actually, Mary-Angela." "Thanks." "No worries, Rory." "Just let us know when you're finished." "OK." "Actually..." "Can you do a Russian accent?" "Oh!" "The Hunt For Red October's my favourite film." "(Clears throat)" "(Russian accent) Oh, da, you big handsome Romanian bear." "Manhandle me with your big sexy paws." "Baby, do you like these new sexy jeans I bought?" "They're sexy jeans, da?" "Um, if you give me some money, I go and buy more sexy jeans and then I be sexy wife for you, such a handsome man." "Um, fire torpedoes." "Up periscope!" "(Continues in Russian accent)" "RORY:" "Talk about borscht." "MARY-ANGELA:" "Oh, I go..." "Come home." "I make you beautiful bowl of beetroot borscht. (Rory moans)" "I have a dinner party to go to and I'd like you to escort me." "Get in." "Is it fancy dress?" "So you're here for a residential visit?" "Yes, I am." "Have a cuppa, proceed into the foreplay, then the sex act and leave enough time for a cuddle." "I think we can manage from here." "When do we eat?" "When or who?" "(Laughs)" "Ha..." "Not what you expected, hey?" "It never is." "Uh!" "Karate!" "Ah!" "Shakira!" "Craig?" "I don't think we're at a dinner party." "Captions by CSI Australia"