"I have always been my worst enemy." "Oh, my god, you are so late." "Hudson Milbank." "God, you're so late." "Even on the most important day on my career." "I felt overwhelmed by the uncertainty of what I have." "I wasn't the same person anymore." "I was now living in some kind of horrific perpetual dream state, yet somehow still able to interact without anyone knowing." "Just going through emotions, on automatic." "I'm afraid I will never get out of this." "My life view was simple." "One, I just wanted to be a happy person with happy thoughts." "Two, we were all a simple action away from complete disaster." "You should slow down man." "But I didn't want to slow down." "I just want to stop my recent thoughts, constant worry and never ending anxiety." "Little did I know that inhaling a harmless joint twelve times in twelve minutes." "could unhinge an already vulnerable brain and send it to the bottom of the abyss." "Jesus Christ." "Jesus." "You just smoked too much." "Jesus Christ!" "You'll be OK." "From that point onward I would suffer from a symptom so frightening that it would consume every minute of every hour of every day." "The official name was depersonalization." "No matter what I did, it wouldn't go away." "So what was it exactly?" "Depersonalization disorder, in brief, involves the persistent or recurrent experience of feeling detached, as if one was an outside observer of one's mental processes or body." "The sense that the external world was unreal is strange." "Like living in some hellish dream like state." "In layman's terms, I was fucked." "Can you hear that?" "Yes, I did." "Is that bad?" "Put your arms to your side." "Now touch your nose with your forefingers." "Now you can open your eyes." "You're fine." "That's impossible." "I never joke about the head, son." "My finger hit my nostril, did you catch that?" "It was close enough." "But what about the nothing's real part?" "Perhaps you should see a psychiatrist or something?" "I also live substantially below my means." "Not what I was cheap, I was just terrified that things get so bad that I wouldn't be able to function." "So I opened up my checkbook and found myself in the office of a west-side psychiatrist who's specialized in dealing with creative types on the verge of losing their minds." "Have you ever heard the word dysphoric?" "I knew it, I've somehow gone crazy." "That's psychotic." "Dysphoric is when you just don't feel right in your own skin." "Wait a minute, say that again." "Over the next week, I couldn't stop talking about that word." "It means I don't feel comfortable in my own skin." "Tom was my writing partner for seven years." "We complemented each other perfectly." "He considered himself the writer of the team." "I was just the hustler." "Even in my state, I could sell better than he could." "So how's the detachment thing?" "You could jam this fork into my eye socket right now and I wouldn't feel it." "but you're gonna be ok for next week?" "I'm suffering here." "Now, but this isn't important." "Why did I have to smoke the pot?" "We had to sell something." "I mean, I didn't even touch a drug in high school." "So you've been washing them down with pills." "So, between now and then, I'm really gonna need you to put down that fork." "I could have just taken one or two hits like a normal person," "I smoked the whole thing." "It's not the pot, I smoked pot every day in my life and I never stirred a cutlery." "Hey, do you have a turkey burger?" "Fuck!" "Alright, alright." "What about the shrink?" "Is he any good?" "He went to Harvard." "Are things getting better now?" "It's great." "What's he say?" "He thinks it might be a good idea for my self-Esteem if we switched the order of our names on every other screenplay." "He's an asshole, a Harvard asshole." "Also I watched the golf channel for 23 hours yesterday." "Why golf?" "I don't know." "I find it comforting." "It's green." "People are whispering." "So you are not getting out at all?" "Look, I think this is something a little bit more than just being uncomfortable in my own skin." "What do I do?" "Tell me what to do." "Hudson, it's important that you socialize, even if you have to force yourself." "I read on the pamphlet from the National Mental Association, that after 12 weeks of psycho-therapy, if you are not better, seek another therapist." "I was on week 14 with Dr. Townsend." "But we'd became more like friends, so I didn't mind." "So the S, that's for Scott, right?" "Yes." "Can I call you that?" "No." "One way to survive the endless time between therapy sessions was to distract myself with the longest running movies ever made." "These are due back Thursday." "What if I watch them all tonight?" "Ok." "Dr. Townsend." "Wow, I can't believe I'm bumping into you." "How are you?" "Fine." "I was just at the video store." "Hey." "Well, I guess I will go home and wait for our next appointment." "It's tomorrow, right?" "Fine." "Patient." "The one thing that Townsend did give me was Climesipan." "The directions read, taken as needed, which for me was Monday to Friday and weekends." "One blue pill was the equivalent of three domestic beers." "Two pills cut my feelings of hopelessness by a third." "More was needed if you were, say, rejected by a shrink you were trusting your life with." "I adore the sedation but there was one drawback." "Sexual dysfunction." "It got so bad, the average sexual act did nothing for me." "I had to find the most extreme twenty seconds of footage and play it over and over until it did the trick." ""Oh, fuck me with your tongue."" "Despite the restaurant snub, I decided to give Dr. Townsend another shot." "After all, he was out with friends and that had nothing to do with his dedication to me within our sessions." "Go on." "I guess this is... boring you." "Excuse me?" "You kind of... fell asleep there." "No." "You were snoring." "I was listening." "Because last night, I was in the bath, I figured out that I already spent $2650 on sessions and I still feel crazier than I ever did, so if you were snoring..." "I think you are making this bigger than it needs to be, Hudson." "You'd also think those kind of prices if we ran into each other at the restaurant, you'd acknowledge me as something more than patient." "Perhaps we should talk about this." "Perhaps?" "Obviously you're upset." "I think I am a little upset because..." "I rely on you." "You are my touchstone to mental health and I think we have kind of a bond..." "Fuck me!" "Intense exercise was my next course of action." "I read that if you could raise your endorphins high enough, somehow they could alter your brain chemistry." "I found a class packed with lesbians." "Not by choice, but still it was strangely comforting." "We need to go one more time, so let's push it." "Everybody down!" "After 30 minutes, I thought something might actually be happening." "but it was a wishful psychosomatic false alarm." "My legs might as well have been attached to one of the lesbians." "I didn't know where else to turn." "I hadn't been home in five years." "Maybe some family reconnection was what I needed to snap me back to normal." "What's this spaciness with Sport?" "It's anxiety, that is all it is." "Oh my goodness." "Sport?" "I desperately wanted my dad's help but he was the king of pragmatic thinking." "I got the same kind of advise to all my worries." "Do you think it was the pot?" "I mean, why did I have to smoke so much?" "Just pull up your socks, you'll be ok." "I thought about reaching out to my older brother Stan, who I worshiped since I was a kid." "I'm busy." "Can I at least get a glass of water before I ride back?" "I'm in the middle of a writing session, there's a gas station on the corner." "Sport?" "I can't breathe." "What is it?" "He says he can't breathe." "For goodness sake." "Stop acting like a child!" "I think that's enough, Sport." "Re-connecting wasn't the answer." "I had to get back to LA and somehow heal myself." "Come on." "Get up!" "Get UP!" "Ok, got to get you dressed, got a meeting in thirty." "What do you think, jeans and T-Shirt today?" "I'm dying here." "Alright, then I'll drive." "I have to sleep." "How about this shirt?" "Look at this." "Oh my god." "You kidding me?" "I can't, I can't do this." "Of course you can." "The shirt goes on top, watch this move." "Pants, big surprise to everyone, go on the bottom." "Right?" "We've got leg crossed, leg crossed the pant." "Where are the shoes?" "Got to have shoes." "You know why?" "Cause we're going outside." "That's right." "You are handsome man, I am gonna wait in the car." "We got to get this job, buddy." "So how are you doing now?" "But that's better than in the car, right?" "Can you just fight this until after the meeting?" "No, but I think I can manage it." "Ok, that's all I need." "He's ready for you." "Sorry I'm late." "Fuck." "For some reason, just looking at her jolted me into a state of awareness and back to the job at hand." "So would you like the $50 million version or the $100 million version?" "That girl is an angel." "What?" "Who?" "The development girl." "Oh no." "No, no, no." "Please god no." "What?" "Remember the last kid, the copy girl." "The flower, the rain, obsessing of her with zeal." "We worked for a year after that." "Well, there's something different about this girl." "Alright, maybe there is something very different about this girl." "Just, there's also something very different about the money coming in." "OK?" "Hello, is Hudson there?" "Is this Hudson?" "Yes, who is this?" "Sara Harrison." "Who?" "I was in the executive UMI office today, sitting next to my boss." "Yes, hi, this is him." "I hope it's ok I'm calling." " Yes, sure, of course." "I was wondering if you want to get together." "You and me?" "Uh-huh." "When?" "Just an ordinary, everyday spoon." "You've seen it a thousand times." "Just an ordinary piece of kitchen cutlery, see?" "Pretty impressive, where'd it go?" "That's magic." "In your lap?" "That's a stupid trick, really." "You know, I've seen you before at a party a couple of weeks ago." "You were sitting on a couch by yourself and this dog came up to you." "You fed it a potato chip." "You looked really lonely." "No, that's just the way that I appear when I am really enjoying myself." "You seemed really anxious to leave." "I did?" "There's some fucking noticeable about you." "So sweet." "I cuss when I get excited about things." "That's ok." "My god, she was fantastic." "And by dessert, things loosened up when she started talking about her last relationship." "So he took a gun out of his glove compartment and blew his brains out all over his Porche, in front of his ex-wife." "But she was obviously attracted to unstable guys, which was perfect." "What's your biggest fear?" "I have two." "The first is that I'm spontaneously insane." "And the second is..." "something happening to my father." "Like him dying?" "I really wish... you wouldn't say it." "You're afraid of the word?" "Yeah, for some reason I think the saying it might make it happen." "Yeah." "It won't." "Death, death, death, die, die, die." "See... nothing." "Right, you're saying it." "Nothing's gonna happen when you're saying it." "That's the way my mind works." "I figured it out the other day that life expectancy for a male is 72 years." "That's 25,000 days and you sleep a third of that, so that's just 16,000 days." "Say you spend half of that time trying to figure out what you want to do with your life." "That's another 8,000 days." "Now I am 36, so that leaves me only 4,311 days left." "If I don't get sick or hit by a bus or something." "You're an unusual person." "My father is a physicist, he teaches stream theory." "That's interesting." "Can I come in?" "Oh, I would." "What's the deal with him?" "He likes me." "Really?" "He leaves Cd's on my car..." "People always look at the numbers changing." "Yep." "I think it's because they're nervous." "Yep." "So what'd you think?" "This sounds good." "Seriously?" "It's the worst playing of any musical instrument I've ever heard." "Really, you should throw that thing into the fireplace." "Where did you get all of this stuff?" "What is that?" "A turtle." "I broke its head off." "I was watching the basketball players, the fucking team didn't win, so I threw remote control to the TV and it..." "I can see that." "You are insanely cute." "You think I am cute." "I kind of think I have a big head." "Well, at least you have a chin." "Look at this, straight line from my chin to my neck, it's like a chineck." "I think that one of my ears is bigger than the other." "I don't see that." "Liars go to hell." "Yeah, I see that." "You really have no chin." "Well, you kind of look like a lion." "You kind of look like an owl, an owl without a chin." "I have to go." "Where?" "I have an appointment tomorrow." "I have to do something I forgot." "What the devil is this?" "Did I just fuck this up?" "I'm gonna call you, so be ready for that." "You do kind of look like an owl." "So you really like this girl?" "How is that?" "It was the worst lawn bowling I've ever seen in my entire life." "I think you should take the ball and throw it into my fireplace." "Over the next a few days, she was able to drag me outside during the day." "Luckily we did the things almost just comforting as the golf channel." "Nights were the worst for me, so I convinced her to stay in and watch the extended version of" "Lawrence of Arabia, Bridge on the River Kwai, and the Right Stuff, which we saw twice." "She seemed perfectly fine." "At this rate I could stay in my comfort zone indefinitely." "I think we should go out tonight." "Out?" "I though we were going to watch the Star Wars Trilogy with the commentary." "I know watching the Star Wars Trilogy with the commentary is fine, but I was thinking maybe we could do something different." "So even though the Millennium Falcon was the oldest plane, it ended up making it home." "Yeah, it did." "I am thinking of getting a new car, by the way." "Really?" "Why?" "I just don't want you to think I'd like driving something ten years old." "A lot of people in LA don't have insurance." "So they don't care if they crash into you." "You don't have to impress me, Hudson." "And I am looking at homes." "Yeah?" "Let's go there." "You ok?" "Yeah." "You?" "Yeah." "It's impressive." "I think you should give her $5." "$5?" "Yep." "I only have a 20." "I'll pay you back." "You should wash your hands." "I am gonna go get some hand-sanitizers." "OK." "What if there weren't locks and stores open twenty..." "Do you steal a lot?" "What stealing?" "The pen..." "No, I paid for that." "Don't lie." "Fucking hate that." "Why do you do it?" "I don't know." "Yeah, you do." "Maybe it gives me a... well, sense of control." "I can't date somebody that does that." "It's only small stuff." "Doesn't matter, it's not right." "I know." "You do?" "Yes..." "and it will absolutely not happen again." "You just saying that to get off the hook?" "You returned it?" "Like it never happened." "Thank you, Hudson" "No, thank you." "Stealing is bad, I don't want to be bad." "You do realize that we haven't had sex yet?" "Yes, I'm aware of that." "Will you take me back to your place?" "Mine?" "It's kind of like a ski lodge." "Oh, it is very chalet like." "You rent this place?" "I do pay a monthly fee." "What the fuck was that?" "No, you're ok." "It's just a family of squirrels." "Can I get you anything?" "What you got?" "I have pasta." "I don't have any sauce, but would you like me to make you some pasta?" "That's really sweet, the way you say it." "So..." "how about some bottled water?" "Ok, here is the deal with that," "I don't really keep the bottled water in the house cause I believe that it's a scam." "See, tap water has to undergo much stringent testing for bacteria." "Tap's good." "Hudson, what are you looking for in a relationship?" "Ah well, basically somebody you can stand being with me, I guess..." "Here." "You?" "I want to know that if my limbs fall off, we'd still be together no matter what." "And when he says my name, it sounds different from his mouth." "You know you get safe there." "Or..." "I put on perfume, he puts on Cologne, and we go out, we could smell each other." "He can make you smile when you are tired." "That's a big one." "And you tell him something, you're scared to tell him because you're afraid that maybe he'll stop loving you, but when you tell him, you are surprised because actually it makes him love you more." "Or, you tell him that you love his shirt and he ends up wearing it every day." "My greatest example is my grandparents." "My grandma has arthritis in her hand and she can't bend down and paint her toenails, so my grandfather does it for her," "all the time." "Even though he has arthritis in his hands, too." "So do you like the place?" "I like you." "What are you doing?" "You can't sleep?" "You want to turn on the TV?" "How many girls could fall asleep to the Greater Hartford Open." "Maybe a lot, but this was the first one I ever met." "I never want to see you back here, never again." "You understand?" "I couldn't hide my condition from her forever." "If I had any chance with Sara, I had to speed up my recovery." "So I went with another doctor specialized in a big word which meant fuck talking, take drugs." "So Dr..." "Richmond, here's the thing." "I have met and, I think, fallen in love with the most beautiful, incredible, weird, woman on the face of the planet." "And she's so pretty." "She thinks she's a big head, but she doesn't." "And last night, we consummated our relationship, which is to say that I had sex." "We had sex." "And it should've felt really good but I was so focused on... renouncing the pen I stole, which she saw me steal, but I told her I'd returned it" "But I didn't return it." "I just stole another pen." "So all that was flying through my brain when I was supposed to..." "So fucking help... help." "Fuck!" "On a crowded elevator, do you stand at the back or the front?" "What?" "On a crowded elevator, do you step at the back or the front?" "Back..." "Front." "Although sometimes I found myself..." "looking up at the numbers cause I get nervous." "Do you ever hear voices coming from your television?" "That are not part of the show?" "Yeah." " No." "I think we will begin with Divalproic Sodium" "What's an Divalproic Sodium?" "Technically, an anti-psychotic." "Psychotic?" "I'm psychotic?" "No." "Because I feel psychotic, sometimes." "The fact you are asking the question proves that you are not." "Then why am I taking psychotic medication?" "Because in small doses, it can be quite helpful with your mood, which I think is contributing to your problem." "But I thought that's why I'm on Chlorazipan." "Did someone from Harvard prescribe them?" "Yes." "Idiots." "You stop that immediately." "Is this gonna help with my depersonalization?" "That's what we're gonna find out." "Well, what about the side effects?" "Nothing to be concerned about." "Have you taken an anti-psychotic before?" "No, I'm not psychotic." "I already asked if I'm a psychotic and apparently that proves that I'm not psychotic." "I'm taking it for depersonalization." "Are you aware of the side effects?" "I was told there is nothing to be concerned about." "Blurred vision, constipation, dry eyes, dry nose, dry mouth, difficulty in urinating." "Nothing to be concerned about." "Tardive dyskinesia." "A permanent twitching of the facial muscles." "Fuck." "My alternatives were slim." "Permanent spaciness or rare irreversible facial twitching." "Where have you been?" "What, here?" "I've been calling and calling." "What time is it?" "It's almost four." "I fell asleep." "I fell asleep in the bathroom." "Hudson, what's going on?" "Nothing." "Hudson, tell me what's going on?" "Nothing." "I want to know." "The technical term for it is depersonalization." "But I can't explain to you what that is because you don't have it." "Can you please try?" "It's like when I feel anxious, which is all the time, my relationship with reality is all screwed up." "I look at my hand, and it just doesn't feel..." "Like now, I see your lips moving, and I hear you talking but it just doesn't feel real to me." "I don't feel real to you?" "This all started with the pot." "You think it's the pot?" "No, I don't think pot can do that, baby." "Yeah, I don't want to tell you because I didn't think you'd want to be with me." "Have you seen anybody about this?" "I've seen almost everybody about this." "What did they say?" "They give me pills, but I don't think I am taking the right ones, because they just make me feel worse." "Do you ever feel better?" "4:45am" "And for the next twenty minutes, the only time in this city's day when it is completely deserted." "I feel that we are the last people on earth." "I wish it was like this all the time." "You can't live like this." "Sometimes I wish I didn't." "I don't think you understand what he's going through." "I'm afraid for him." "Let me put your mind at ease." "People who talk about killing themselves very rarely carry it out." "Oh, really?" "Because I dated a guy who talked about it all the time and then he blew his fucking brains out." "Hudson, you don't mind, I'd like to speak to Sara alone for a few minutes." "What I'm interested in is why you're here." "Because I care about him." "Why?" "Because he does stupid magic tricks." "Because you can't pick who you fall in love with." "I would never let a girl go to my shrink." "You should've seen her." "She was amazing, she completely defended me." "She really put him in his place." "She knows too much about you now." "So?" "Now just a big concern that she'd use it against you." "For what?" "Like a control card." "Whatever she wants, boom, she's got that." "No, Sara would never do that." "OK." "You know what?" "Ok!" "She sounds great." "You want to get some more done for a few hours?" "Yes, I can do that." "After the first round of individual drug trials failed," "Dr. Richmond decided to bombard all my neural transmitters at once." "So we combined... everything." "It was like musical drugs and the music stopped and I couldn't get a chair." "I became numbed at labels." "I just wanted relief." "Good luck with this one, Hudson." "Thanks, Rick." "We have to turn this thing off." "So, one more tournament." "How's your reality system now?" "Let's get married." "You're serious?" "Yeah." "Hudson, marriage is a mother-fucker load of responsibility." "I know." "And a lot of work." "I know." "You're not ready to get married." "Yes, I am." "And I want kids, you know, some day." "You think you can do that?" "Yes." "You don't?" "I didn't say that, I just think that maybe right now is not a good time to be talking about marriage when you're going through this thing." "You can say it, fucked up state of mind, nobody seems to have a clue what to do with." "But I think you're gonna work yourself through it." "What if I don't?" "You will." "But, what if I don't?" "What if this is what I'm gonna be for the rest of my life?" "But I don't think that's the case." "You just need to stop being so..." "What?" "Negative." "Negative?" "Yeah." "Negative." "Well, I'm sorry if the rest of the world was born with perfect brain synapses." "And I'm walking around in la la land, and I can't tell if this fucking flower is real." "If you are just waiting around for me to get better, this is it." "This is it." "Tom was right." "In the best of worlds, all I could bring her was unending grief and the need for constant reassurance that I wouldn't lose my mind." "It would only be a matter of time before she couldn't take it any more." "Self sabotage the best thing in my life?" "Of course, I would." "Ready?" "What?" "You told me you weren't going to do this again." "I didn't." "Stop it." "Stop what?" "I know what you were trying to do, please don't." "Why?" "What am I trying to do?" "You promised." "Look, this is me." "Alright, it's just me." "You look like a shit." "You wanna end this?" "You think you are so irre-fucking-deemable?" "Then end it." "Come on, tell me it's over." "But you have to say it." "Fuck!" "She didn't do anything." "I did this, I fucked this up, me!" "Ok.." "just go and apologize." "She deserves a normal person, not some kleptomaniac freak show." "I asked her to marry me." "What you need now is a different kind of woman." "Why?" "So I can just play this shit out again?" "Wow, there she is, attractive, clearly a different woman." "Just go over and talk." "I can't." "Look at me." "I'm your best friend." "Just go and talk, no proposals." "Do not mention the golf channel." "Just talk." "Ok, she's on the move, maybe your move now." "Do it!" "She's going to the bathroom." "Perfect, go, go." "You're not gonna believe this." "She's a doctor, she specializes in cognitive behaviorism." "That's incredible." "And she's hot." "Cognitive behaviorism, the deal was, you can change the way you felt by altering your negative thinking." "Will it work?" "I highly doubted it," "But my god, she was qualified." "Ten years a professor at UCLA, a Master's in psychology from Stanford." "Another from Cambridge." "Published books on anxiety, articles in prestigious medical journals." "Exactly what I needed." "When you say I hate myself for blowing it with the women of my dreams." "That's an example of magnification." "Or, a better way to express it would be... at the moment, I am disappointed that we are no longer together." "But many relationships don't work out." "What can I do to change my behavior next time?" "Are you married?" "Now the area we will work on is labeling." "Right, but is there a Mister Doctor Blain?" "I don't think that is really important to your treatment." "Where are you from?" "We're not here just to talk about me." "Ok." "But it's Texas, right?" "Arkansas." "OK?" "Unlike most therapists, who would never think of leaving their comfortable offices," "Dr. Blain actually took her patients into the field." "I can't." "There is absolutely no connection between saying a word and the health of your father." "Because it will lower your anxiety and help you get better." "Alright, give me a second." "You can do this, Hudson." "Death." "It worked." "He's ok, he's trimming the hedges." "See?" "Has any patient ever asked you out before?" "It happens." "Did you ever say yes?" "No, never." "How about dinner with me?" "I don't think so." "Because we have a professional relationship?" "Exactly." "What if I stop seeing you." "I don't think that will be wise." "Right, but what's the rule on that kind of thing?" "You are very sweet, Hudson." "But my only concern is that you get better." "Is that why you blushed back there?" "As a way to recovery, Dr. Blain thought it a good idea to email me cognitive exercises so I could practice outside our sessions." "First assignment, monitor my daily negative thoughts." "Hudson, it's Dr. Blain." "Are you busy?" "No, I am just doing little cognitive homework." "Good, the reason I am calling is that I found a very interesting article on cortisone levels." "I think it may be of some help." "You may want to take a look at it." "Really?" "It's like I have it with me now." "Yes, absolutely." "It explains how high cortisone levels increase the trenolyn which could have a numb feeling of depersonalization." "Interesting." "So I'll do some more reading over the weekend." "Hope I didn't make you drive too far." "No, my shack is only about five minutes away." "Shack?" "I'm sure it's not a shack." "My god, it is a shack." "Yeah, it is the only place I feel even close to ok." "Almost like an sanctuary." "I am so sorry this is happening to you." "Thanks." "It's not fair." "Thank you." "And I did blush." "I knew it." "I just think therapeutically it's important to bring it out in the open." "I do find you very charming, attractive, and funny." "But things as they are, nothing can even happen on that level." "I'm sorry." "The door..." "Thanks." "Bullshit." "She said it's the first time she'd sex in seven years." "Bullshit." "It was like having a wounded animal on top of me." "That's so wrong." "What should I do?" "Isn't it obvious?" "Try to see her without having to pay." "It is absolutely my fault." "Inexcusable." "I want you to know that I have spoken to a colleague to find someone to take over your sessions." "Who can make me say death?" "There is no other way here." "I could lose my license." "I can't see another therapist, it has to be you." "Hudson, a terrible line has been crossed." "Can't we just forget about what happened?" "You could do that?" "Yes." "The first time was exciting, now having her ride all over me, I realized that I was letting her use me, so I could use her so she worked harder making me better." "I'd become a cognitive whore." "So, is it fresh prune juice and then death, is that the track record?" "Seriously, you still banging that shrink?" "I'm afraid to break it off." "She's doing extra research while she's canceling her appointments with other patients." "Woo, this is getting bad." "Hudson?" "I think we should have some lunch." "What do I do?" "Have lunch." "I thought it would be safer to say what I am about to say in public." "Obviously, something's happened to my emotions." "My behavior has been... fuck off!" "unacceptable." "That can happen." "No, it can't." "Did you witness my tone with the waiter just then?" "I did catch that." "It has to stop, Hudson." "Us, we, this." "I agree." "I was up all night analyzing my actions, berating myself." "I go to sleep that way every night, so..." "Thank you for saying that." "Sure." "I suppose I have spent some many years listening to other people's feelings that" "I've neglected my own." "And it's all coming out now here in the restaurant in front of all these people?" "Which is something I have to deal with, and I will deal with." "I feel so much better." "God, even my hunger is back." "The tuna looks good." "It's not good, I love you, Hudson." "What?" "I love you!" "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to raise my voice that like." "I though you were dealing with it." "I am, it's just I can't get you out of my mind." "Sure you can, look at me, I'm a mess, you don't want that." "I'm flattered that you think have these feelings." "No, I don't think I have them, fifteen years of cognitive training, I might just know a little something about feelings." "God, what is wrong with me." "I'm acting like an insane person." "Will you forgive me?" "Yes." "I think we should go." "Sure." "I'll just ask one question." "Can we wait until we get out of the restaurant?" "No, I need to know now." "Do you think under different circumstances you would feel the same way about me?" "I think you need to calm down." "Calm down?" "I think I know how I am, and I certainly know how you are." "I love you!" "Run!" "It just occurred to me I haven't even met your family." "So how'd it go with the therapist?" "Mr. Milbank?" "This is the office of Professor" "Paula Simon, Mount Sinai School of Medicine." "We received your enquiry regarding your depersonalization study." "A spot has become available." "Please contact us at your convenience." "Dr. Paula Simon was the only doctor in North America researching depersonalization specifically." "But I was determined to get through the four day intensive no matter what." "Plus it would be a relief to finally meet other depersonalized people as I was beginning to think I was the only one." "Where are the others?" "Others?" "Other crazy test patients, like me." "Just you this weekend, sweetheart." "I'll draw your blood for every hour on the hour for 72 hours." "You're kidding." "That's funny, everyone says that." "You'll see Dr. Simon on Sunday." "I'm the most selfish person in the world." "I blew the best thing that could ever happen to me because I was afraid." "I'll see you in an hour." "Count backward from 2004 in groups of 7," "If you make mistake, begin again." "One thousand nine hundred and ninety-seven, one thousand nine hundred and ninety." "Have any of you guys ever slept with a patient?" "All my attention should have been at the tests at hand, but for the first time, I wasn't thinking about my condition at all." "It was just Sara." "You have depersonalization disorder." "Well, I know that." "How do I get rid of it?" "We don't know at this time." "Well, you have to, there's a great girl involved here." "I've heard." "What about the pot?" "Triggered it was all, it probably would have happened eventually." "But not definitely?" "Based on our current research, there was more than likely a deficiency there." "So what do I do?" "There are medications." "I've taken them all." "And therapies." "I've done them." "Then I suggest you try to accept it." "You suggest I try to accept it?" "I do know of an excellent cognitive behaviorist at UCLA who's been proven helpful." "4.2 cubic feet of space back here." "You won't find that in a Mercedes." "I'll take it." "Very bright and airy." "Beautiful backyard, stunning hardwood floors." "A very pretty yard." "I'll take it." "Tim, Tim, where is she?" "She's gone." "What?" "She left with some guy." "Where?" "Maui." "Which airline?" "Delta." "You'll be towed." "Hold on just a second." "Hudson, what are you doing here?" "Don't do this." "This guy can't make you swear the way I can." "Go home." "Home to what?" "You're the only one I can be myself around." "You are the only one I can be comfortable with." "I bought you a new house, and a car, and I'm getting a smaller TV." "Hudson, it's not about a house, or car, or TV." "Ok, how about this?" "I love you." "Don't say that." "You can save me, but you won't even try." "Sara." "Let's go." "Hello." "Can we talk?" "Oh, I'm busy." "Our dad just died and you are doing business on the phone?" "It's nothing, it's just my brother, go ahead." "You won't get off the phone." "What the hell is wrong with you?" "Hudson, what are you doing?" "Nothing." "What happened with you and brother?" "Doesn't matter." "That's what he said." "He wants to be downstairs with the others." "Would you stop that?" "Would you stop that?" "God damn it." "What's wrong with you?" "Why have you always been so angry at me?" "Are you kidding?" "You know they say the first three years of a child's life is the most essential." "I'm just curious." "Were you bouncing me on my head during that time?" "I'd really love to know how I turned out this way." "Well, it wasn't easy for me either." "Hudson, do you have any idea what a selfish boy you were?" "I was a kid." "Kids are supposed to be selfish." "Ok, fine." "I was a terrible mother." "Is that what you want to hear?" "Yeah, that's what I want to hear." "I always..." "loved you children." "But, you and I... were the most alike." "Well that's certainly true." "Maybe I wasn't as nurturing as I should have been." "That must have been very hard for you to say." "My theory was simple" "If smoking marijuana triggered my problem, smoking even more would reverse it." "Shocking my synapses back to normal." "There's no science behind this, just a gutsy feeling out of sheer desperation." "Was I scared?" "Absolutely." "Would it work?" "It had to." "You're OK." "God, no." "I needed a quick fix of manic adrenalin to snap me back into a resemblance of reality." "Hell, I deserved it." "And I knew just the remedy." "What are you staring at?" "Probably best to keep a low key around here." "So, what did you do?" "Shoplifted a pair of Air Soles." "Good shoes." "What did you do?" "Nothing." "And they don't like that." "Hey, it's gonna be ok." "No, it's not." "I miss Sara." "I don't think I can be a writer anymore." "and I'm completely alone." "Do I look familiar to you?" "I've passed you and your dog outside the grocery store 100 times?" "100 times, and I never gave you anything." "I know." "Look, I'll wait here with you." "Maybe Dr. Simon was right." "Maybe I had a predisposition all long." "The pot was the just an easy excuse to pin it on." "Maybe it was just me." "I was my problem." "Maybe my dad had it right." "Just pull up my socks and get out my own way." "Hi." "Hello" "I'm here to tell you I love you." "Even though I know you're gonna say "ya, so?" I still love you." "Ok." "See you." "Hudson, I think you are making a big mistake." "We need to have a session to discuss you ending your sessions." "This is your brain chemistry talking." "There are new medications coming out all the time." "This should square us up." "This your first time?" "I'll wait with you." "Oh my god, you are so late." "Hudson Milbank." "God, you are so late." "Sorry I'm late." "No problem." "We understand that you came by in the room and my partner is very excited about that." "So excited that we worked really hard for the last a couple of weeks to come up with something great for you to hear today." "Well, that's not true." "He's been working really work." "So he's the writer." "He's a really good writer." "The only thing that I'm really good at is bullshitting all of you guys." "and that's just not enough for me to be good at anymore." "So I'm gonna go." "Yeah, I'm gonna go." "Tom will take this home for you." "I'll put your name first." "Hi." "Hi." "How are you?" "I'm good." "Good." "How are you?" "I'm good." "I'm better." "I'm not gonna be normal." "I'm still more comfortable at 4:45am at the corner of Insure and Woodmen." "Look, I don't want to hold you up." "I just want you to know that even if you lost all your limbs, we'd still be together forever." "I mean I really hope that doesn't happen because I think your limbs are... pretty great." "And when I say your name, it would always sound safe." "I'm not sure about the perfume, that cologne thing." "But I can try." "You know, I can pick some up." "I will try to make you smile when you are tired." "I know you think that's really hard to do." "But I think I could do that." "And you'd never have to be scared to tell me anything." "And if you like this shirt," "I won't take it off for a month." "And I'd be more than willing to paint your grandmother's toenails so that your grandfather won't have to do that anymore." "You don't have to save me, Sara." "But I'm gonna love you for the rest of my life." "So things will be a lot better for me if you're around." "Ok." "Edited by LeapinLar"