"There's no easy way to say this, but a lot of dogs are just really, really like, they're just stupid." "And that's fine, like," "I don't think it's wrong to be stupid, but sometimes I feel like that stupidity is almost like, celebrated." " Good boy." " Like, sometimes dog culture feels almost like a breeding ground of anti-intellectualism and I just want to say, like, it's not a sin to be smart." "Like, there are things I do that these other dogs couldn't dream of, like every morning I wake Nan up with a series of very carefully placed face licks." "Oh, Martin!" "Ugh!" "Gross." "Go away." "Like, I do that every day like, it's not even challenging for me." "Hunter." "Heal." "Hey." " What up?" " Is that my flat white?" " I forgot yours." " Okay." " I'm sorry." " No kidding." "Honestly, it took all I had just to remember to get here." "So I could..." "I could go back." "No, that's okay, I'll just have yours." "Oh, that's, yeah, okay." "So, what did I miss?" "Well, tiny-vest lady bitched out Great Dane guy." "Aw, they just need to mate already." " I know, right?" " Can I have the ball?" "I want to throw the ball to Martin." " Yes." " Yeah, gimme, gimme, gimme." "Come on, Martin, you want this?" " Go on, Martin." " You want this?" "Come on!" "Get some exercise." "Good boy." "Of course, the down side of having such a high, like, intelligence level is that when you're so, like, mentally nimble the physical world has, like, a hard time keeping up with you." "Huh!" "Go!" "Sit." "Good boy." "Awesome job." "And it sucks because it's not like" "I wouldn't enjoy feeling athletic, you know, to, like, be able to just, like, leap and dance and twist and, like, snatch those, like, impossible balls out of the sky." "I mean, sometimes it's hard not to wonder, like, what it would be like if I had it all, you know?" "Brains and brawn, like, the full package." "Hup!" "Hup!" "Sit!" "Can you, can you make it, like, a little less obvious when you're ogling other men?" " I'm sorry, I'm sorry." " No, no, it's cool." "I forgot that you have, you know, a thing for... for old dudes." "Okay, he's not that old." "And also, I don't have a thing." "You're just mad because he stole your look." " My look?" " Yeah." "Okay, my look is grounded and earthy." "He looks like a James Bond super villain that just got back from a transcendental meditation retreat." "Oh, crap, he's coming over here." " Can you be nice?" " Uh-huh." " Be nice." " Oh, yeah." "Hey, I saw you guys watching Hunter." "He's, um, so beautiful." "What..." "What is he?" "He's a blue marrow border collie, the dog of Scottish kings." "Well, Martin is a mutt, you know, the dog of democracy." "It's really impressive what you guys do out there." " Thank you." " Yeah." "I mean, honestly, you and your dog could do the same stuff we're doing." "It's just a matter of training, and I'd be happy to give you some tips sometime." "Martin is fine the way he is." "Aren't you, Martin?" "Aren't you?" "Aren't you, big guy?" " I'll see you guys around." " Okay." " Hunter, come!" " Bye." "I'll call you." " Oh, hello." " Hello again." "Hunter!" "Hup!" "Really going pretty hard on the whole English gentleman thing, aren't you?" "Yeah, well, you... you got me there." "Hey, you know, I meant what I said about helping you and your boyfriend train your dog." "Oh, I don't have a-a boyfriend." "Okay, then, well, my name is Eric." "Oh, sorry, I'm Nan." "Nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you, Nan." "Here's my card." " Call me." " Oh, wow." " If you want me to work with the dog." " Sure." "Yeah, thanks." "I will put you in there as Handsome Eric Dog Park... that's you." "That's funny." "Thanks." "The thing is, I've been so committed to the life of the mind that I feel like I've kind of missed out on the potential of my body." "Today, after seeing Hunter, like, I was kind of inspired." "So when I got home, I decided to, like, test out my athletic abilities around the house and..." " Martin!" " ...it went awesome." "Yeah, I'm not refined, but I thought I was really, really impressive on a raw talent level." "But Nan didn't even, like, notice and I was like, right, probably the only reason" "I don't think of myself as an athlete is because Nan has never valued that about me." "All right, that's, that's, I mean," "I don't know what else... to do." "Your days of untrained fun are over, Mister!" "Just enjoy them while you can!" "Oh, hey, Eric." "Hi." "Um, it's, um, Nan..." "Dog park." "Yeah, I-I, you know, I realized" "I do have some free time this week, so I thought maybe if you're free..." "Sometimes I feel like Nan is responsible for, like, 99.100% of my problems." "Today, I decided to take responsibility for my own training." "I mean, she's been kind of a failure in that way anyway." " Martin, down!" " It's just so rare that" "I find a single area of myself that could possibly be improved." "Like, honestly, I'm kind of excited." " Oh, this Eric Baxter?" " Yeah, he's cute, right?" "Mm-hmm." "Older gentleman, super successful, borderline materialistic." " Yeah." " Yeah, I like how subtle you're being about taking Jason's diametric opposite." "No, it's like he's like the ultimate Jason." "I mean, he's like, like, Jason in like 15 years if he got really ambitious and successful but he was still, like, cool." "You know, he's like the best of both worlds." "Uh-huh." "Besides, I mean, is it really a date if technically he asked out Martin and then I called him?" "I don't think so." "No, Nan, babe, how long did you wait to call?" "I waited like four hours." "Is that, I'm sorry, I don't know!" "I don't know these things." "I've been off the market for, like, years and years." "I'm pretty sure there are cave paintings that say wait three days to call." "Ladies, theoretically, if someone were to be going to a fancy club this weekend, which one of these would read more like" "Kanye West meets Neil deGrasse Tyson?" " Oh, boy, I'm tapping out." " Okay." "All right, Kevin, you'll never be either one of those men, and it's not just 'cause you're white, yeah?" "Also, don't wear camo to the Duquesne Gala, you know?" "Try to be subtle." "Wait, how do you know about the Duquesne Gala?" "Because Dan is making me go because his parents want us to get married there." "Wait a second, can you get me in?" "No, you already said you're going." "I mean, I'm wait listed." "Same thing, right?" "Come on." "Help a brother out." "Nope, nope." " Hi there." " Hi." "Wow, look at you." "Is this your usual training ensemble?" "You know, I thought we were training Martin, not me, so..." "It's all right, it's going to be a light day anyway." "Come on in." "Okay." "Come on, bud." "Hello, Martin." "Wow, your house is..." "Sorry, I know, it's a total mess." "I'll show you a mess." "Not really." "Anyway, the training area is out back." "Okay." "Come on." "Yeah, this, of course, is Hunter's favorite part of the compound." "Wow." "You have, like, an actual training course." "Yeah." "Yeah, it started out as a hobby and has become more of an obsession." "Should we begin?" "Yeah, I'm ready." "It's just crazy, the confidence that dogs like Hunter exude." "They have this swagger that just comes from being affirmed their whole life, because when I saw what Hunter had in the yard," "I was like, oh, of course, like, that's why he's so good at these things." "And I thought, now that I have the same equipment and training as Hunter, like, now I'll be an athlete too." "I'm gonna try a few things and you follow." "Oh." "Sure." " Capisce?" " Yeah, capisce." "You made me an offer I can't refuse." "Hmm?" "That's from "The Godfather."" "That's funny." "Hunter, come on!" "Hup!" "Hup!" "In light of all his societal advantages," "Hunter didn't look all that impressive." "Stay." "Go, go, go." "It looked kind of easy." "I was kind of excited to show him up." "Good boy!" "Awesome!" "Now you try." "Sure thing." "Hey, hey, hey, stop doing that." "Listen, don't screw this up for me, okay?" "Okay, good boy, come on." "Then I was just shocked." "Right there, Martin, come through," "Through the hoop." "I don't even want to talk about what happened." "Over!" "Through the tube." "Martin, come on, Martin." "Go through." "Come over, come, that's..." "Like, of course, yeah," "I-I failed physically, like, surprise, surprise." "No, on this side." "Come on." "But Nan was saying all these things that were, like, meaningless to me..." "I just kept thinking, oh, I am smart enough." "Like, at some point it's just going to click and I'll get it but, like, that moment never came." "Hunter understood everything." "He made it look so easy." "I don't understand anything." "I just, I just looked like a stupid idiot." "Come on." "Come on, come on, buddy." "I know, you're embarrassed." "Come on." "Come on out." "You weren't kidding about his lack of athleticism." "It's stunning, actually." "Don't say I didn't warn you, right?" "Well, maybe it's time for break anyway." " Oh, good." " And perhaps a glass of wine?" "Yeah, that would be great." "It's just really nice to spend time with a grown-up, you know?" "Like, you have a real job, and you don't play video games, and maybe you used to smoke pot but now you're like, "I don't even need it"" "because accomplishing tasks can be completely as fun, right?" "Well, you certainly are a delight yourself." "Thanks." " More wine?" " Yes, please." "You know, I read in some cultures it's considered rude to refuse wine." " Really?" " Mm-hmm." "Yum." "You know, I never do this, but would you mind terribly using a coaster?" "Th-There's one..." "Yep, yep." "Yep." "I think today was the worst day of my entire life because as it turns out, like," "I'm not smart or athletic." "Like, I'm not the full package at all." "I'm just, I'm just like an empty package." "Come on." "It was kind of awesome you know?" "Like, so different but cool." "He has this house from this famous architect, and we had wine I couldn't pronounce." " Ooh, did he seem into you?" " Uh, gosh, I don't know, but he did invite me to the gala, so..." "Nan, way to bury the lead!" "Yes, thank God, I'm not going to be there on my own listening to Dan talk about securities." "I know, and I'm going to get all fancy, you know?" "The nicest place Jason ever took me was, like, Burger World." "Oh." "God." "So listen, can you help me find everything that's wrong with this place so I don't have to get married there?" "Yes, done." "On it." "Perfect, and if it's weird I will rescue you, and if it's not weird, you just let me know how much you want to bone this guy." "Right, I don't know." "It's early, you know, and, like, he's really attractive, but he's also kind of stiff." "Ooh, naughty." "No, he's, like, super serious, like, about everything." "I mean, like, he never laughs." "Like, he just says, "That's funny."" " Huh." " Yeah." "But I don't know." "Like, who cares, right?" " I mean, I'm having fun..." " Yeah." "And at least he's not lecturing me on the evils of the 1% every time I reach for a LaCroix." "That's funny." " What are you giving them?" " Ooh." "All the good stuff." "I've got raw salmon, quinoa, fresh apples, and a special blend of protein powder." "Okay, I just..." "You have to be kind of careful what you give to Martin because his stomach is a little iffy, so...." "Don't worry about it." "It is literally impossible that this would harm him." "All right, well, you're the expert." "Yeah." "I guess this is what being humble looks like." "There, boys." "I mean, now, like, now I see that I've blamed Nan." "Like, I've blamed training courses, like," "I blamed culture at large, but I never once blamed myself." "Hunter?" "Sit." "Lie down." "Play dead." "And in the past, I've always judged these dogs who do the whole sit, stay, play-dead thing." "Like, just the phrase "play dead"" "is actually pretty dark, if you think about it." "Okay, sit." "Stay." "But maybe Hunter has something figured out that I don't." "Like, I've always been the teacher, but maybe I have something to learn." "Ugh, too much." "Why do you need all that?" "Can you believe how gaudy that chandelier is?" " Yep." " Like, you can almost hear the cries of the steelworkers who were systemically oppressed to build it." "Yeah, and like, chill with the gold leaf, okay?" "Everybody understands you're rich." "Yes!" "Like, we get it, okay?" "You had to destroy vast tracts of virgin land to build this magical marble palace." "Sheesh." " You like this place." " What?" "No, this place is offensive." "No." "Yes, you do." "You love it, don't you?" "A little bit?" "Fine." "Fine!" "It makes me feel like a princess and I love it." "I never want to leave this place." "Don't tell Dan." "I won't tell him." "Because he's going to be so smug." " Ladies, crémant de Bourgogne." " Ooh, champagne." "Technically it's not champagne, it's sparkling wine." "Well, still gets you drunk, right?" " I heard that." " Hey-oh!" "That's funny." "The thing is, Hunter is so committed because I thought, like, once the lovebirds left, like," "Hunter would stop pretending to care, like, what they thought and we would just, like, you know, let down a little bit, like, we would play." "But he just stayed..." "like, he takes that word really, really literally." "And on one hand, like, like, I respect that commitment." "Like all I've ever been committed to is, like, binge eating my breakfast, but then again, like, this is possibly, like, the least fun I've ever had in my entire life." "And like, I'm someone who has stared at a wall for four hours straight." "Nan?" "What are you doing here?" "Hi, Kevin." "I'm actually, I'm on a date." "With a man?" "Yeah, with this, this guy, Eric?" "He's a member." "Eric Baxter?" "How is that even possible?" "You know, honestly, when you guys, like, after you do it or whatever, like, if you're talking and the topic of my Duquesne club application" " came up, it would be..." " Eric!" "Eric, what's up, man?" "Hey." "Nan, are you about ready to go?" "Hunter really needs to be kenneled by 9:00." " Oh, sure, yeah." " Okay, I get it." "I like your style, man." "I get that." "Okay." "Who is that guy?" "I don't know." "You're like a sexy old Jesus!" "In retrospect, yeah, like," "I guess I knew something was wrong, but I was trying to, like, be like Hunter and I thought, you know, like, I'm going to tough it out." "Like, pain is just weakness leaving the body." "But as it turns out, it wasn't pain leaving the body." "It was something else leaving the body all together." "Hey, I don't believe I've told you, but you look absolutely lovely tonight." "Oh, uh, thank you." "Yeah, I don't think you mentioned it, actually." "Oh." "I guess we should..." "get back to the dogs." "You're right." "Thank you for kissing with me." "Yep." " There you go." " Thank you." "You got it." "Oh." "I know that smell." "Oh, no." " Martin, baby?" " Oh, no, no, no, no, no." "Eric?" "I am so sorry." "Hey, buddy, you okay?" "You okay?" "It's everywhere." "Eric, I am so sorry." "Martin, down." "It's not his fault." "It doesn't matter." "This is a teachable moment, Nan." "Okay." "Buddy, hi." "Hi, sweetie pie." " Nan, you are rewarding him." " I'm just comforting him." "He's never going to respect you." "It's fine!" "It's not fine, Nan!" "You're ruining him." "Eric, Martin is my dog, okay, and I really don't care if he's, like, the best trained dog, and I don't even care if he craps on the floor now and then." "I just, I just want him to be happy." "Okay, Nan, look," "I'm aware that I can come across as a little uptight." " Okay." " But I really think if you, if you take some time to get to know me you'll realize that's not the case." "I'm sorry, I have to get that." " Oh, yeah, I get it." " Yeah." "I think we'd better go." "I'll see you later." "Yeah, absolutely, I'll see you around, okay, no worries." "Come, on buddy, come on." "Come on." "The thing is, like, sure, like," "Hunter is this really impressive dog and like, I'm kind of a mess, like, like, I get that." "Hunter, cuddle." "But today, honestly, like," "I'm just really impressed with myself, because I think I finally let go of that desire to be impressive." "I guess we can't win them all, can we?" "Come here, you, come here." "Who is that?" "Come on, come on." "Like, who cares about perfection?" "Like, who cares about being the full package?" "I am flawed and awkward and floppy, and I might never catch a ball, like, in my entire life and, like," "I might not even be one of the greatest minds of all time." "Like, I might be just one of the great minds of my generation, like top two." "Come on, buddy." "Hi." "Oh, hey there." "What's with the dress, Cinderella?" " Oh, work thing." " Uh-huh." "So, 75-cent hamburger night, huh?" " Yeah, can't beat it." " Damn straight." "Beautiful evening like this." "Yeah." "It's really nice." "Like, I'm okay with that." "I think the important thing is to love yourself." "Ga ga ga ga!" "Get your own." "You have four burgers!" "There's like 8,000!" "Ohh!" "Okay." "But yours are always so tasty." "Go for it." "I'm sure self love is easy when you're somebody like Hunter." " Mmm." " That's good, right?" "But when you're as flawed as me..." "Where's your dress?" "...when you're as flawed as me, choosing to love yourself might be the bravest thing ever attempted in the history of the world." "Hey!" "Rip it out, rip it out." "Baby, don't eat that." "That's funny." "Sometimes I like to just, like, let my thoughts, like, like, wander because" "I'll stumble across these really deep thoughts like, what if the entire universe, everything we know, is just like some tiny speck on some other giant food bowl, and what if that food bowl is part of another food bowl," "and that's part of another one and they all just, like, nest together in this infinite regress and then, like, I just feel like if that's true, if that's true, how could you ever be really sure" "if a food bowl is full or not?" "Like, like, I think about that."