"Fighting the Frizzies, at 11:00." "We've all heard of Rudolph and his shiny nose" "And we all know Frosty who's made out of snow" "But all of those stories seem kind of gay" "'Cause we all know who brightens up our holiday" "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo Small and brown" "He comes from you" "Sit on the toilet, here he comes" "Squeezing 'tween your festive buns" "A present from down below Spreading joy with a "Howdy ho"" "He's seen the love inside of you 'Cause he's a piece of poo" "Sometimes he's nutty Sometimes he's corny" "He can be brown or greenish brown" "But if you eat fibre on Christmas Eve He might come to your town" "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo He loves me" "I love you Therefore, vicariously, he loves you" "I can make a Mr. Hankey, too" "Howdy ho" "I'm Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo" "Season's greetings to all of you Let's sing songs and dance and play" "Now before I melt away Here's a game I like to play" "Stick me in your mouth and try to say "Howdy ho ho yum yum yum"" "Christmas time has come" "Sometimes he's runny Sometimes he's firm" "Sometimes he's practically water" "Sometimes he hangs off the end of your ass and won't fall in the toilet" "'Cause he's just clinging to your sphincter and he won't drop off" "And so you shake your ass around and try to get it to drop in the toilet" "And finally it does" "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo" "When Christmas leaves he must leave, too" "Flush him down but he's never gone" "His smell and his spirit lingers on" "Howdy ho!" "Howdy ho, folks!" "We're gonna do something a little bit different tonight." "Instead of our normal thing, we're just gonna sit back and enjoy some holiday songs!" "And if you don't like it, well, I guess you can suck my tiny little balls." "So, let's start off with a festive Hanukkah song, sung by my favourite Jewish person in the whole world!" "Okay, Ike, you're my little brother, so I have to show you how to celebrate Hanukkah." "This is called a dreidel." "You spin it and see where it lands." "And you sing this song." "I have a little dreidel I made it out of clay" "And when it's dry and ready With dreidel I shall play" "Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made you out of clay" "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel With dreidel I shall play" "Hey, what the hell are you doing?" "Oh, hey, Cartman." "We're playing dreidel." "You wanna try?" "Sure!" "Here's a little dreidel That's small and made of clay" "But I'm not gonna play with it 'Cause dreidel's fricking gay" "Hey!" "Shut your mouth, fat-ass!" "Jews play stupid games Jews, that's why they're lame" "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made you out of clay" "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel With dreidel I shall play" "That's why they're lame" "What's going on?" "Oh, it's that Hanukkah thing." "It's so amazing!" "You spin this thing on the ground, and it goes round and round!" "I could watch it all day!" "Let me try." "I'll try to make it spin It fell, I'll try again" "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made you out of clay" "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel With dreidel I shall play" " I'll try to make it spin" " Jews play stupid games" " It fell, I'll try again" " Jews, that's why they're lame" "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made you out of clay" "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel With dreidel I shall play" "That's why they're lame" " Hello, boys!" " Hi, Mom!" "Oh, how precious!" "You boys are all playing dreidel." "Now, you know that dreidel is a time-honoured tradition for the Hebrew people." "Yes, we know, Mrs. Broflovski." "It's so very interesting." "Now when you learn to make the dreidel spin" "You'll know our people always win Keep spinning" " Learn to make the dreidel spin" " Jews play stupid games" "You'll know our people always win" "That's why they're lame" " Oh, hi, Dad." " Hello, everybody." "Say, can I join in?" "Sure." "I have a little dreidel I made it out of clay" "And when it's dry and ready With dreidel I shall" "Everybody!" "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel" "I made you out of clay" "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel With dreidel I shall play" "Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made you out of clay" "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel With dreidel I shall play" "Courtney Cox, I love you" "You're so hot on that show" "Dad?" "Courtney Cox..." "Dad, we're singing about a dreidel." "Oh, sorry." "We'll talk about this later, Gerald." "Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made you out of clay" "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel With dreidel I shall play" "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made you out of clay" "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel" "With dreidel I shall play" "Golly, that sure was fun!" "But now for our next song, hold on to your boot straps, 'cause we're gonna descend down into Hell." "Hey, Hitler, what's the matter, little guy?" "Oh, Satan." "Aw, you don't have a Christmas tree?" "Well, I tell you what." "Maybe we'll have ourselves a little Christmas right here." "Come on, everyone, gather around!" "String up the lights and light up the tree" "We're gonna make some revelry Spirits are high, so I can tell" "It's Christmas time in Hell" "Demons are nicer as you pass them by" "There's a lot of demon toys to buy The snow is falling and all is well" "It's Christmas time in Hell!" "There goes Jeffrey Dahmer With a festive Christmas ham" "After he has sex with it He'll eat up all he can" "And there goes John F. Kennedy Caroling with his son" "Reunited for the holidays God bless us, every one" "Everybody has a happy glow" "Let's dance in blood and pretend it's snow" "Even Mao Zedong is under the spell" "It's Christmas time in Hell!" "Adolf, here's a present for you." "God cast me down from Heaven's door to rule in Hell for ever more" "But now I'm kinda glad that I fell 'Cause it's Christmas time in Hell!" "Here's a rack to hang the stockings on" "We still have to shop for Genghis Khan Michael Landon's hair looks swell" "It's Christmas time in Hell!" "There's Princess Diana holding burning mistletoe" "Over poor Gene Siskel's head Just watch his wienie grow" "For one day we all stop burning And the flames are not so thick" "All the screaming and the torture stops As we wait for ol' Saint Nick" "So string up the lights and light up the tree" "We're damned for all eternity" "But for just one day, all is well It's Christmas time in Hell!" "Gather close together and make it quick We gotta make room for Andy Dick" "Wake his mother and ring the bells" "It's Christmas time" "Christmas time" "It's Christmas time in Hell!" "Merry Christmas, movie house!" "Fighting the Frizzies, at 11:00." "Hark, hear the bells, sweet silver bells All seem to say, ding dong, m'kay" "Christmas is here, bringing good cheer To young and old, meek and the bold" "Ding dong, ding dong, that is their song Big joyful ring, all caroling" "One seems to hear words of good cheer From everywhere, filling the air" "Oh, how they pound, raising the sound O'er hill and dale" "Telling their tale, gaily they ring While people sing songs of good cheer" "Christmas is here" "Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas" "On, on they send On without end" "Their joyful tone to every home Hark, hear the bells, sweet silver bells" "All seem to say, ding dong, m'kay" "On, on they send On without end" "Their joyful tone to every home" "Ding dong, ding dong, m'kay M'kay" "Well, that was a nice little song, wasn't it?" "But let's not forget that for some people," "Christmas is about the birth of Jesus." "So now, here's a more serious Christmas song, sung by Eric Cartman." "And O holy night" "The stars are brightly shining" "It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth" "O holy night" "The something, something, something" "It is the night with the Christmas trees and pie" "Jesus was born And so I get presents" "Thank you, Jesus, for being born" "Fall on your knees" "And hear the angel's something" "Voices!" "O night divine" "O night when I get presents" "O night divine" "O night" "O night divine" "Oh, boy, that was a super song!" "And now let's hear from the schoolteacher, Mr. Garrison." "Okay, children, let's take our seats." "Today we're gonna learn how different cultures around the world celebrate the holiday season." "Now pay attention." "I heard there is no Christmas In the silly Middle East" "No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus They have different religious beliefs" "They believe in Mohammed And not in our holiday" "And so every December I go to the Middle East and say" "Hey, there, Mister Muslim Merry..." "Christmas" "Put down that book, the Koran And hear some holiday wishes" "In case you haven't noticed It's Jesus' birthday" "So get off your heathen Muslim ass and... celebrate!" "There is no holiday season in India, I've heard" "They don't hang up their stockings" "And that is just absurd" "They've never read a Christmas story They don't know what Rudolph is about" "And that is why in December I'll go to India and shout" "Hey, there, Mister Hinduist Merry..." "Christmas!" "Drink eggnog and eat some beef And pass it to the missus" "In case you haven't noticed It's Jesus' birthday" "So get off your heathen Hindu ass and... celebrate!" "Now, I heard that in Japan Everyone just lives in sin" "They pray to several gods And put needles in their skin" "On December 25th All they do is eat a cake" "And that is why I go to Japan And walk around and say" "Hey there, Mister Shintoist Merry..." "Christmas!" "God is gonna kick your ass You infidelic pagan scum" "In case you haven't noticed There's festive things to do" "So let's all rejoice for Jesus Merry..." "Christmas to you" "On Christmas day I travel round the world and say" "Taoists, Krishnas, Buddhists And all you atheists, too" "Merry..." "Christmas to you" "Thank you, Mr. Hat." "Frizzies, at 11:00." "Howdy ho!" "I saw three ships come sailing in On Christmas day, on Christmas day" "I saw three ships come sailing in On Christmas day in the morning" "And what was in those ships all three On Christmas day, on Christmas day" "And what..." "Shut up, turds!" "... was in those ships all three On Christmas day in the morning" "The Virgin Mary and Christ were there On Christmas day, on Christmas day" "The Virgin Mary and..." "Shut up, turds!" "... Christ were there On Christmas day in the morning" "Let us all rejoice, amen On Christmas day, on Christmas day" "And let..." "I told you to shut up!" "... us all rejoice, amen On Christmas day in the morning" "Shelly is starting to get pissed On Christmas day, on Christmas day" "Shelly got up and killed the turds On Christmas day in the morning" "Golly, that sure was swell." "I'd say my Christmas special is going super-fantastic." "But now it's time to hear from perhaps the two most important people of the whole season." "Hello, everyone, and welcome to McKemicks." "Now please put your hands together and welcome Saint Nicholas and Jesus Christ." " Hello, everybody!" " How you all doing tonight?" "You know, Jesus, there have been so many wonderful songs written about us over the years." "That's right, Santa, and we love each and every one of them." "Like this one." "Joy to the world For I have come" "Let earth receive me" "Let every heart prepare me room" " And heaven and nature sing" " And heaven and nature sing" " And heaven and nature sing" " And heaven and nature sing" "You know, Jesus, that is a nice song, but I like this one." "Up on the housetop reindeer pause Out jumps good ol' me" "Down through the chimney with lots of toys" "All for the little ones, Christmas joys" "Ho ho ho!" "Who wouldn't go?" "Ho ho ho!" "Who wouldn't go?" "Up on the housetop, click click click" "Down through the chimney with good ol' me" " You get away!" " Go away?" " Get away!" " Where away?" "Away in the manger, no crib for my bed" "That's where cute little ol' me laid down my sweet head" "The stars in the sky looked down where I lay" "Cute little eight-pound me asleep in the hay" "O come all ye faithful Joyful and triumphant" "O come ye to Bethlehem to see me" "Here's one." "Hark the herald angels sing Glory to me" "It's my turn." "Silent night, holy night" "All is calm, all is bright" "Round yon Virgin Mother and me" "Holy me, tender and mild Sleep in heavenly peace" "Sleep in heavenly peace" "Okay, Jesus, here's one you might remember." "Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand" "Just like that river twisting through the dusty land" "Santa, Santa, Santa..." "That's not a Christmas song, bud." "That's like..." "I know, but there's, like, 300 Jesus Christmas songs and only four..." "Santa ones!" "It's not fair!" "Just do it yourself!" "I'm leaving!" "Oh, come on, Santa." "You can't leave." " No... you, Jesus!" " But, Santa..." "The weather outside is frightful" "But the fire is so delightful" "Well, since I've no place to go" "Let it snow!" "Let it snow!" "Let it snow!" "It doesn't show signs of stopping" "But I brought some corn for poopity popping" "The lights are turned way down low, so" "Let it snow!" "Let it snow!" "Let it snow!" "The fire is slowly dying" "And, my dear, we're still good-bye-be-de bye-ing" "But as long as you love me so" "Let it snow!" "Let it snow!" "Let it snow!" "Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand" "Fighting Frizzies, at 11:00." "Howdy ho!" "Well, I guess that's about the end of my Christmas album." "Gosh, it was sure nice hanging out with y'all again." "I guess if there's just one thing I have left to say, it would be this." "Have yourself a merry little Christmas" "Make the Yuletide gay" "From now on our troubles will be miles away" "Here we are as in olden days" "Happy golden days of yore" "Faithful friends who are dear to us" "Gather near to us once more" "Through the years we all will be together" "If the fates allow" "Hang a shining star upon the highest bough" "And have yourself" "A merry little Christmas now" "Time to go, Mr. Hankey." "Good-bye, everybody, and merry Christmas." "Bye, Mr. Hankey." "See you next year." "And now, fighting the Frizzies." "Kick my ass, come on!"