"All right, Cash." "Security cam's up." "Target's on the move." "(Whispers) It's now or never." "(Lowered voice) I'm not feeling it." "Scrub the mission!" "Scrub the mission!" "(Lowered voice) No, damn it." "Remember your training." "You can do this." " No, I'm not ready!" " Yes, you are ready!" "Go, go, go!" "(Action movie theme music playing)" "You've liked this girl for two months." "Just do it." "She's just a sandwich girl." "You got this." "Yes." "Yes!" "(Nasal voice) Come on!" "(Music warps and stops) (Lowered voice) No." "Fail, fail, fail." "Damn it." "I've got no game." "(Bang)" "Ohh." "Ohh." "(Sighs)" "(Michael Wandmacher's "We got your back" playing)" "♪" "(indistinct conversations)" "I'm not much for sushi, but I'm really loving this Japanese guac." "Oh!" "That's not guac." "Oh." "That's wasabi." "Oh, my God." "Isn't your mouth on fire?" "No." "No, I lost all my taste buds at Vassar." "(Singsongy) Hey, hey, hey." "(Normal voice) What's happening, Rog?" "(Conversations stop)" "What's going on?" "What happened to all the... the revelry and the mirth and the merriment?" "(Chuckles) What are we celebrating?" "What's the big occash?" "Jones got us sushi." "Jones is the best!" "Whoo!" "The best, bar none." "The a-best..." "Jones." "Which one of you is Jones again?" "I'm just..." "Oh, sweet, sweet v." "Oh. (Chuckles) (Laughs)" "He's a legend in the security business." "Yeah." "Remember that Christmas party he threw?" "(Cash) Ohh." "I got so drunk," "I passed out at, like, 6:00." "Mm." "I know you did." "Jones is the man." "He hooked me up with V.I.P. Seats at medieval times..." "Free mead, free mutton." "The best part..." "Merlin's Subaru broke down, and I gave him a jump." "This Jones seems like quite the generous fellow." "Well, wouldn't you be if you pulled in the biggest paycheck in the office?" "How do you know how much money he makes?" "Not from opening his mail." "And... and why would his checks come here if he lives in Japan?" "Well, I just give 'em to oz." "He takes care of it." "I-I don't ask a lot of questions." "Jones pays for my therapy." "I had a lot of issues after my mom forgot me at karate camp." "(Sighs and crunches)" "To Jones, the man whose sense of fun..." " To Jones!" " Makes us all want to come to work, huh?" "Yay, Jones!" "Wait." "Hold on just a tick." "Um, so you guys want fun?" "I can keep up with the Joneses." "(Laughs)" "Okay, you see this bowl?" "This is the fun bowl." "I want you to put your names in that bowl." "(Clatters)" "I will pick one, and the winner gets a free lunch anywhere in this city... (Cheering)" "I told you she's okay." "Yeah!" "Right?" "With me!" "(Employees murmuring)" "Take that, Jones!" "I have some rather troubling news that could rock this office" " to its very core." " Hmm?" "Hmm." "There is no Jones." "Oz is pocketing his paychecks." "I'm certain of it." "I... cannot... believe this." "No one has put their name in my bowl." "(Indistinct conversations)" "Well, that chunky receptionist just walked right past, didn't put her name in." "Where does she get off?" "Firstly, Becky's pregnant." "Secondly, oz is using Jones' salary as a personal slush fund." "Okay, that sounds serious." "Why don't you get on top of that?" "I'm gonna get to the bottom of this bowl situation." "Off with ya." "Okay. (Sighs) Hello, people of the office." "I just wanted to be sure that we were all clear on the free lunch offer." "Please put your name in the bowl." "(Telephone ringing in distance)" "Not one person." "Okay." "Well, if you need me," "I will be filling the bowl with an alarming amount of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream." "(Grunts and sighs)" "(Clatters)" "Hey, V., um, I found this on the floor." "Hopefully it's not too late for the drawing." "(Whispering) What?" "(Spoon clatters)" "Cameron!" "Oh, my gosh." "(Normal voice) Somebody get this man a towel, because the fun is gonna explode all over his face!" "(Laughs)" "There she is, my sweet 'n' savory sandwich girl." "If only I knew what to say." "What about "hi"?" "Come on." "I've seen you talk to girls before." "Comic-con girls with unreasonably low standards." "Phoebe's different." "She's a civilian." "Sorry to interrupt." "Um, I need to talk to you about Jones." "(Chuckles) Jones." "What a guy." "I know he's not real." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "What do you mean, he's not real?" "I've done my homework, gentlemen, and not one person in this office can tell me what Jones actually looks like." "Yeah, he's got the whole thing, you know, with the eyes and the nose and the, uh, mouth." "No, he wasn't there." "I picked up the tickets at will call." "He's tall and handsome... (Lowered voice) And has the reproductive organs of both genders." "And if Jones is not real, then whose dog am I watching?" "(Growls) No, not the fraggles!" "Those are priceless!" "(Growls and pants) Ohh." "How can I stay mad at you, Jones' dog?" "What you're doing is highly illegal." "I know you're taking his checks." "Yeah, to deposit for him while he is abroad." "It's a simple courtesy." "I also take in his trash cans." "Sue me!" "Look, look." "This can all be straightened up with one simple phone call to Jones, all right?" "He should be awake in about... an hour." "Um, well, that... that's, uh, a pleasant surprise." "Mm." "I-in an hour then." "Pfft!" "That woman's crazy." ""There's no Jones."" " (Sighs) There is no Jones." " What?" "(Lowered voice) I made him up!" "But don't worry about it." "I've got it under control." "I-I don't know what's real anymore." "Uh, wh-whose dog is that?" "Hate to break it to you, kid, but you are the proud owner of an English bulldog." "Okay, let's do this." "(Beeps) Jones, are you there?" "(Man) Oh, hey, uh, ohayo gozaimasu from, uh, you know, the land of the rising sun." "Same to you." "What, uh, whatcha doin' up there, Jonesy?" "Oh, you know, it's all good." "Living it up here in the far east... (Modulated voice) Doing my thing... karaoke, geishas, ninjas, samurai... mothra." "We get it." "You're in Japan." "Uh, I wanted to take a moment and introduce you to our new office manager Molly." "Hello, Molly." "Hello, Mr. Jones." "Mm." "Uh, I just wanted to introduce myself to the man traveling the world for us. (Chuckles)" "Oh, yeah." "I go everywhere." "I get into all types of trouble." "Oh, really?" "Please elaborate." "(Laughs) Just, uh..." "Going around searching for artifacts, hanging with my buddy short round, running from big-ass boulders." "Uh, mostly you deal with foreign sales for our company, remember?" "Uh, t-totally." "Archeology is just something that I dabble in." "No, no, no." "Not really." "You're right." "I don't dabble." "I've got a doctorate, which has led me to some great adventures." "Well, three were great." "The last one I did for the money." "Sayonara, Dr. Jones." "(Beep)" "Well... (Chuckles) Thank you, oz." "Uh, I was..." "I was worried" "I was gonna have to call the FBI on you. (Chuckles)" "Oh, that wouldn't have mattered." "(Door closes)" "They think I'm dead anyway." "(Chuckles)" "Did I... did I miss Jones already?" "Well, you know Jones." "If you miss him," " it's like he was never even here." " Right. (Sighs)" "Uh, afternoon, gentlemen." "(Door closes)" "Indiana Jones." "You had to make him Indiana Jones?" "(Lowered voice) You named him Jones." "What was I supposed to do?" "James Earl Jones!" "Vader!" "(Imitates Darth Vader's exhale)" "(Cell phone rings)" "(Whispering) Oz!" "Oz." "(Ring)" "She's calling back for Jones!" "(Beeps)" "Uh, konnichiwa." "Jones here." "♪ Happy birthday ♪" "♪ happy birthday, Cameron ♪" "♪ happy birthday ♪" "♪ from us at funanigan's ♪" "♪ home of the funana split ♪" "(horns toot)" "Whoo!" "Thanks, guys!" "(Lowered voice) It's not even your birthday." "I told 'em it was, but it's not. (Chuckles)" "Dig in!" "Yeah." "No." "Yeah." "I'm..." "I'm just gonna get into this salad, and then I'll..." "I'll make my way over there." "(Babbles in whiny voice)" "(Normal voice) I get it." "You're not having fun." "I-I'm having a great time." "I know that nobody put their name in the bowl." "I guess I..." "I just don't understand why." "You know, uh... (Sighs) You can't connect with people by just blasting fun in their face." "You're gonna have to really try to make an attempt at getting to know us." "I know everything about everybody in that office." "Really?" "What's my last name?" "Diaz." "You think I'm Cameron Diaz?" "Mm-hmm." "Listen, when I first got to contra," "I made a point of getting to know people, and so now..." "Now they trust me." "Oh, my gosh." "Cameron, yes." "Thank you in advance for providing me with all of the juicy info." "What are you talking about?" "Cheat sheets!" "Yes!" "You're gonna draw up dossiers on everybody and give 'em to me, my fine Mr. P..." "Don't tell me." "I know it starts with a "p."" "Pameron!" "You think I'm Cameron pameron?" "(Waitstaff) ♪ graduation, happy graduation ♪" "♪ graduation ♪ Go away." "♪ Happy graduation ♪" "Jones, you sweet bastard." "Mmm." "Mmm." "Ohh." "If you were here," "I'd kiss you." "Mm." "I kissed him once." "True story." "Whoa, whoa." "Uh, these are from Jones?" "They're figgy pudding truffles from england. (Chuckles) Huh." "When I talked to him last night, I got a bit emotional and told him I was feeling a bit homesick, so... (Chuckles)" "You talked to Jones last night?" "Mm." "Oh. (Chuckles)" "Via video conference." "We've become quite good friends, and we're really helping each other out." "I told him I was missing mummy, and, well, he's having girl troubles and searching for the staff of Ra." "(Chuckles)" "Well, I certainly hope he finds it, 'cause I know exactly where I'm going to put it." "(Clanks)" "You're video chatting with her?" "How?" "!" "Chill!" "It's just a little motion-capture technology that I cooked up." "It's like gollum, but better." "Women love confidence." "Yeah, that's kind of a problem." "I'm kinda lacking in that department." "Oh, please." "Who's the one that didn't give up when that rope bridge gave out?" "Me." "And who's the one who kept his cool when he fell into that pit of snakes, even though he was terrified of them?" "That was me." "Well, Henry, this woman is your snake." "You're right." "This woman is my snake." "Dayum!" "Do you realize she is giving me the best dating advice ever?" "I got some advice for you, too." "Shut it down, or I'm gonna shut you down!" "comprende?" "Yeah. (Sighs) Fine." "(Grunts)" "(Rattles and clanks)" "Here's your cheat sheet." "Oh, thanks, cam..." "Wait a minute." "Names and hometowns?" "Cameron, you're a hacker." "I want the good stuff, you know, everybody's deepest, darkest secrets, all of the really..." "(inhales deeply)" "(Whispers) Bad, bad things that they've ever done in their whole lives." "You know, so I can use it to make 'em like me." "But I thought this was about you being a better boss." " Is that what I told you?" " Yes." " And you liked that?" " Yes." "Then that is what I said." "(Whispers) No." "Would it help if I ordered you to do it?" "Uh... (Sighs) All right." "Fine." "I'll... just give me an hour, and I'll come up with something." "Oh, I'm gonna kill it so hard at this party!" "(Beeps)" "What party?" "(Giggles)" "(Cell phone alert chimes)" ""Contra securi inaugural karaoke-luau-fondue... murder-mystery-cirque-du-so- game-night-comedy-roast"?" "Yeah, it's a little somethin' for everyone." "We're gonna pour some goof juice into these stiffs, and then I'm gonna use all the little nuggets that you're gonna give me, and by the end of the night," "I am gonna be covered in friends." "Oh, that's sad Cash can't me it." "(Beep) Buddy." "(Beep) Ricky." "(Beeps)" "Cameron?" "You're a maybe?" "I have a charity event... (Sighs) Not a fake thing." "Hey, folks!" "Couple things I think I might have left off the invite." "There's totes gonna be a frozen marg and daq machine." "The other thing I think I might have forgotten to mention is if you don't come to the party, you're fired. (Chuckles)" "(Beeping) Oh, what's happ..." "Oh, my phone is blowing up." "Cameron... (Gasps) You and I are gonna be co-hosting the greatest party that this office has ever seen." "(Gasps)" "But I'm a maybe. (Sighs)" "(Amplified voices) ♪ I just wanna use your love ♪" "♪ tonight ♪" "(Veronica) Yeah." "♪ I don't wanna lose your love ♪" "♪ tonight ♪" "No, I during the bridge!" "Damn it, Carol." "Uh, "oh, god." (Music stops)" ""There's a dead body in the alley." (Organ playing)" "Ooh!" ""Who could have done it?"" "(Employees murmuring)" ""Maybe it's you or..." (Sighs)" "Guys, can we just go out to the alley..." "(Chuckles)" "So I can get out of this blood?" "(Chuckles) Yeah, come on." "It's so sticky." "Conga line to the alley to see the grisly murder!" "♪ See the grisly murder ♪" "♪ see the bloody body ♪" "(all) ♪ see the grisly murder ♪ ooh." "(Singsongy) Someone's cheating on me." "Oh, y... uh... (Lowered voice) Oh, no." "The sandwich girl." "(Normal voice) Uh... (Whispers) Snakes." "Temple of doom." "I just got your text, Henry." "What's the emergency?" "I'm at a charity gala, and she's here." "I could really use your help." "Okay." "Well, this is your chance, so remember..." "Confidence." "Confidence is key." "Okay, uh, y-you know, I'll try that." "Okay." "Bye." "(Thuds)" "(Static)" "Jones has just been fired." "No!" "No." "Oz, I ed him." "What can I say?" "He was caught selling secrets to a rival company." "Yeah, but what you don't know Jones is a double a." "He was working for us the whole time." "He's a hero." "He was a hero." "Two hours ago, he got hit by a high-speed bullet train" " in Kyoto." " But surprisingly, he only sustained minor injuries." "But the emotional trauma he suffered sent him into cardiac arrest." " He died!" " For two and a half minutes, before a rogue surgeon performed an emergency baboon heart transplant, gave him a new lease on life and crazy-ass monkey strength!" "Yet moments later, he tragically choked on a banana and was pronounced dead by a team of renowned doctors." " Well, th..." " His last request was that his ashes be scattered..." " Yeah, but..." " In an active volcano!" "Oh, I can do this all night." "(Sighs)" "Baboon heart?" "Ridiculous." "What are you, a novice?" "You fraud!" "You and you!" "Fraudulent fraudsters!" "(Sighs) Well done, Molly." "How did we tip our hand?" "By showing his." "Okay, uh, yeah." "I'll try." "Thanks." "Later." "Okay." "Uh, uh, later." "Bye." "Bye." "(Bell dings)" "Damn." "My gloves." "(Sighs)" "Does this mean you're gonna turn us in?" "No." "Not this evening." "I don't want to turn Veronica's karaoke-luau-fondue... murder-mystery-cirque-du-so- game-night-comedy-roast into some sort of... spectacle." "All right!" "And now for the main event." "I hope everybody is in the mood for a good old-fashioned office roast!" "Whoo!" "I'm not really very good at this kind of thing, but I'm gonna give it whirl." "All right." "Well, we've certainly got a lot of food here tonight." "Speaking of food," "Ricky has crabs!" "(Employees murmuring)" "Up next, our accountant buddy revell, king of the C.P.A.S... (Clenched teeth) Or should I say, "D.U.I.s"?" "(Normal voice) Hey, everybody." "Look over there." "It's old preggy Becky." "Does anybody here know who the father is?" "No?" "Okay." "Sorry, Becky." "I tried." "Oh, and the I.T. Guys are here." "The only hooking up they're doing is my wi-fi connection." "Oh, except for Al." "Yeah, he's got a sex doll." "That counts." ""I'm Irene, and I'm the whore of my senior center."" "Got an awesome tramp stamp." "You would not guess that." "The carpet does not match the drapes." "He has sock under his bed named "Jennifer."" "She turned him gay." "Why all the sourpusses?" "This is a roast." "It's supposed to be fun." "I mean, I know it's all true, because I got this information from Cameron." "(Employees murmuring)" "Uh, uh..." "Everybody come quick!" "There's another dead body in the parking lot!" "There's about to be two of them." "Yo, what's up, man?" "You got something on your back." ""I heart balls."" "Well, that's the least offensive thing i've "hearted" today." "I am the most hated man in this office." "At least you're not an accomplice to fraud, embezzlement, and tax evasion." "Ohh." "I prefer your thing." "Okay." "Come on." "Really?" "Point-blank?" "Hey, man!" "What did I do?" "He sucks, and you're his friend, so you suck." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Ow!" "Ow." "Aah." "(Mol) For the past ten years, oz has been using Jones as a slush fund for lavish gifts and office parties." "Just one problem." "You have no proof." "I caught you, and you admitted it." "Well, it was worth a shot." "Once again, let me say that I am speechless." "Good." "I throw a lovely party for these boobs, and they still don't like me." "I mean, that is very hurtful." "I'm out." "You're the boss." "You deal with it." "Hs)" "All right, all right, all right!" "(Sighs)" "I am the boss. (Sighs)" "Let's just get this over with." "It's going to be very uncomfortable." "Okay. (Sighs)" "Oswald, do you like me?" "(Chuckles) Ronnie, I work for you now." "Doesn't matter what I think." "Well, it matters to me." "(Lowered voice) Uh, look, I will, uh," "I'll let you in on a little secret." "I created Jones for a reason." "See, I realized when I started this place," "I could not be their friend and their boss, but Jones..." "Now he lets me be both." "I get it." "You still haven't answered my question, though." "Eh." "You're growing on me." "Um, uh, hey, everyone!" "Uh, can I get your attention, please?" "(Indistinct conversations)" "Guys?" "(Grunts)" "Really?" "A stapler?" "Come on." "Look, I-I know I'm the only one who didn't get roasted the other day, so I-I'm gonna roast myself, okay?" "So here goes." "When I was born, my doctor told my mother it was normal for me to have three..." "Excuse me, everyone, but I have an important announcement." "It wasn't Cameron who supplied me with my hilarious roast material." "It was Jones." "(Employees murmuring)" "It w... it was." "It was Jones." "I didn't want to say anything because I know how much you all idolize him." "How could Jones do that?" "Because he's selfish and a bad kisser." "Ah." "(Sighs)" "So are we good?" "(Chuckles) Um, yeah." "(Chuckles) Can I take you to Funanigan's?" "It's my birthday." "Cameron, that is so sweet of you." "That really warms my heart... (Chuckles) But no, because I happen to know that your birthday is December 1st." "Impressed?" "It's April 6th." "(Telephone ringing in distance)" "(Exhales deeply)" "(Chair wheels rattle)" "What's up?" "Go away." "But I..." "I'm not interested." "I'm sorry." "Sorry?" "I've been baring my soul to a computer-generated jerk." ""Sorry" is not gonna cut it." "I didn't become Jones to mess with you." "I felt like we were helping each other." "Except my problems were real, whereas you were making up stories about the love of your life, "Marion."" "(Lowered voice) Her name is Phoebe." "She's the sandwich girl." "I have work to do." "But, uh... (Sighs)" "(Speaks inaudibly)" "(Beeps)" "(Keys click)" "(Keys click)" "(John Williams' "Raiders march" playing)" "♪" "(clicks)" "(Whoosh)" "Ooh!" "Oh!" "Sorry about that!" "Coming through." "(Speaking indistinctly)" "(Whoosh)" "Hey!" "Epic fail!" "Epic fail!" "Fail!" "Fail!" "Somebody help me!" "I know you guys can hear me!" "Oh, my God." "I can't even feel my arm!" "I'm losing circulation!" "(Clicks, rattling) (High-pitched voice) Ohh!" "(Panting)" "Oh, thank you, lord." "Ohh." "Oh, thank yo ohh." "(Gasping)" "You'll get her next time, Jones." "Ohh." "Ohh. (Sighs)" "Come on." "Let's go get you patched up."