"* Love and marriage *" "* Love and marriage *" "* Go together like A horse and carriage *" "* This I tell ya, brother *" "* You can't have one Without the other *" "* Love and marriage *" "* Love and marriage *" "* It's an institute You can't disparage *" "* Ask the local gentry *" "* And they will say It's elementary *" "* Try, try, try To separate them *" "* It's an illusion *" "* Try, try, try And you will only come *" "* To this conclusion *" "* Love and marriage **" "Hey, Peg." "What's for breakfast?" "Nothing." "We had that yesterday...." "But you sure know how to make it." "Whose mail did the mailman bring by mistake today?" "Steve and Marcie's." "They get such good magazines." "Should we keep their Architectural Digest?" "Aw, why not?" "It'll impress Steve and Marcie when they see it on our couch." "What else did we get?" "Well, here's a letter from Steve's friend in West Germany that he plays chess with." "Oh, look." "It's Steve's turn." "Let's see." "I think I'll move the queen over here... where no one else is." "I know that's where I'd like to be." "Since you're doing your life, why don't you lay the king down and have those two horses run back and forth over him?" "One move at a time, Al." "Hey, look at this." "Steve and Marcie got invited to fill out an application for some new TV game show, How Do I Love Thee?" "Oh, that's that game show for newlyweds." "Yeah, it's coming to Chicago for one week only." "We'll keep that." "We'll have fun filling it out for them." "Hey, look at this." "Steve and Marcie's phone bill is $200." "What a pair of morons to spend that much time on the phone." "Look." "There must be 100 calls to 976 numbers." "What losers." "That's our phone bill, Al." "Hey, Mom, my clothes, they smell...clean." "And my sweater, you can tell what color it is." "Yeah, look." "You got those grass stains off the back." "I told you, I fell." "That's it, kids." "Let's hear it for your mom." "We're always quick to criticize her when she doesn't wash or cook or clean or scrub, or..." "Well, let's face it." "She does nothing." "But you've got to admit, after all these years, she's finally found a way how to get our clothes clean." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Here's your laundry." "I'm sorry it took so long, but Al's shorts were particularly tricky today." "Thank you, Mrs. Rhoades." "Good work, Mrs. Rhoades." "Look, Peggy, I know your washing machine's broken, but when I offered to help 16 days ago," "I thought Al would have fixed it by now." "Yeah, me too, but then I just gave up." "I'll get you today's load, Marce." "Oh." "You get Architectural Digest?" "We used to." "I wonder what happened." "Well, maybe you should resubscribe." "It's an excellent magazine." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "You want to get that, Marcie?" "Uh, Marcie, before I go to work..." "I was just wondering." "You think you could find some time to do any of my laundry?" "Look, Steve." "I have a job too, you know." "I'm putting a stop to this right now." "I thought I hit a new low yesterday when I went to work in my Nehru jacket, but obviously I was mistaken." "Take your own crusted laundry, beat it against a rock, but keep it out of our house." "But our washing machine's broken." "No, it isn't." "It's married to me, and I'm taking it back." "Hey, look, Steve, what do you want us to do?" "Start paying for the detergent?" "They weren't paying for detergent?" "Well, I felt uncomfortable asking." "Well, the free ride is over." "Hey, here's a radical thought." "Why don't you take your laundry to the Laundromat and do it yourself?" "Ha ha!" "I'm not going to the Laundromat." "Why don't you buy a new washing machine?" "Gee, Steve, I'm a little short this week." "I got my paycheck." "Well, maybe we could loan you the money" "Excuse us." "No." "Please." "Money is important to me." "They are not." "Oh, Steve." "It's only $500." "It's worth it." "Have you seen their laundry?" "Marcie, I am putting my foot down." "That is, if it's okay with you." "That $500 is going for a super VHS... for the bedroom." "Oh, Steve." "Well, it was going to be a surprise." "You're wonderful." "To hell with them." "Could we have a loan from your bank?" "Gee, I hate them." "Well, so much for clean clothes." "Peg, I didn't want to say this in front of them, but you could go to the Laundromat." "Oh, be serious, Al." "Now, what are we going to do?" "I don't know, Peg, but I'll tell you one thing." "They're not getting their mail from me." "I know." "Why don't we burn that application to the game show?" "You know, Al, they give away prizes on those shows." "Ha ha." "Even better." "They won't get any now." "No, honey." "I mean prizes, you know, like washing machines." "Look, Peg, they don't need one." "Listen, Machiavelli, all we have to do is fill out that application as Steve and Marcie, put our address down as their address, and get on the show." "Yeah." "Maybe we could win a washer/dryer." "Wow." "That's much better than my idea of going on the show, losing, and coming home with nothing." "Well, you know, someone's got to do the thinking for us, Peg." "[***]" "[APPLAUSE]" "Hello there, and welcome to How Do I Love Thee?" "the game show that dares to ask" ""How do I love thee?"" "For those of you who are totally ignorant of today's superstars," "I'm Bink Winkleman." "[FAINT APPLAUSE]" "Thank you." "Here's our own little piece of fluff that the network thrust upon me-- the lovely Zelda." "[APPLAUSE]" "Yes, soon to be appearing naked in Squish magazine." "Now, just a little reminder of what we're all about." "We take two newly married couples and find out how much they're willing to torture their loved ones for cheap prizes." "Sound good?" "You betcha!" "Then let the games begin!" "Right, Bink." "Okay." "Now let's meet our loving couples." "First, from Cow Lake, Wisconsin, they've been married 16 months." "He's a TV repairman." "She's a directory assistance operator." "Meet Roland and Mona Squab!" "[APPLAUSE]" "And their opponents from Chicago, Illinois, married 13 months." "He's a banker." "She's a bankette." "Meet lovebirds Steve and Marcie Rhoades." "[APPLAUSE]" "God, I love you." "Come on now, Mr. Rhoades." "Leave the lovely Zelda alone." "Who knows where she's been?" "Okay, any questions before we get to our game?" "Uh, yeah." "Hey, Bink, do you know Bob Barker?" "Okay." "Let's play How Do I Love Thee?" "Lovely Zelda, will you take our wives over to our love test area?" "Right, Bink." "We can't bear to be apart." "AUDIENCE:" "Aww..." "Mr. Rhoades, would you like to kiss your wife goodbye?" "Only if it really was goodbye." "Okay, husbands, now, we know you love your little fillies." "Let's see how much you love our first little prize." "What's the prize, lovely Zelda?" "It's a bowling ball, Bink." "A pretty one." "Okay, hubbies, let's earn those balls." "Now, the man who's willing to set aside his love and spin his wife the fastest wins the ball." "Uh, Steve, remember, honey, you already have a bowling ball." "Ready to spin, Bink!" "Now, remember the coin toss, Steve." "Roland won the right to go first." "Roland?" "It's for a bowling ball, dear." "You deserve it." "[***]" "I couldn't bear to see her up there like that, Bink." "You came to play, Roland." "Steve, do you think you can beat 1/4 of a turn?" "Well, let us see, shall we?" "Uh..." "Steve, it won't take much to win now." "All you have to do is spin me" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Whoa!" "You really like bowling, eh, Steve?" "Well, what the hell?" "It's all for fun, right?" "Give me my bowling ball." "Looks like Marcie's going to be spinning for a while, so why don't we take a little commercial break?" "Don't go away." "I know Marcie won't." "[***]" "[PEG SCREAMING]" "[***]" "Looks like Marcie's off the wheel." "Let's bring her out." "Over this way, Marcie." "Come on now, kids." "Marcie, your chance is coming up right now." "Lovely Zelda, would you like to take our husbands backstage?" "Right, Bink." "Bink, Steve won't let me touch the lovely Zelda." "Well, then, you won't be at the clinic getting a shot." "Okay, lovely Zelda, would you like to show our ladies" "What they'll be competing for?" "It's this lovely watch." "You got to wonder what she'd do if it was a lovely hat." "All right, ladies, would you like that watch?" "It's swell, Bink." "Marcie?" "Oh, Bink, that's the prettiest watch I've ever seen." "All my life I've wanted a watch like that." "Nail him to the wheel, Bink." "No wheel this time, Marcie." "Lovely Zelda, the curtain, if you please." "We call this a heavy problem." "Lovely Zelda, would you bring out the fat women, please?" "Now, the idea here is this." "Your wives will determine how many of these full-figured women will get to sit on top of you." "We quit, Bink." "Pour them on, Bink!" "Remember, the wife that cries "uncle" first loses her chance at the watch." "But Roland could be hurt." "That's what we're here for." "Do we want to talk, or do we want to squash some man?" "AUDIENCE:" "Squash!" "Squash!" "You're a lucky man." "All right, ladies, you're in charge." "Mona, go for it." "But, Bink, they're so..." "large." "God, you're dull." "All right, Marcie, want to show her how it's done?" "You betcha, Bink!" "Start the herd!" "That's one ton!" "That's two tons!" "That's three tons!" "Gee, this is so much fun." "Come on, gals." "Aah!" "How you doing down there, Steve?" "I can taste my spleen." "Well, Mrs. Rhoades, looks like you won the watch." "Hi, Mom." "You want to go for the record?" "Why not, Bink?" "Here comes Bertha." "Well, it's time to bid adieu to the Squabs." "Goodbye, Squabs." "We lost, Mona." "I don't care, sweetheart." "I just couldn't bear the thought of you in the killer bee booth." "[APPLAUSE]" "By the way, you're an excellent player." "Hmm." "Well, we can always use another toaster." "Well, Mrs. Rhoades, before we total up your prizes, let's just see if your husband is conscious yet." "Lovely Zelda." "How are you feeling, Mr. Rhoades?" "My tongue's a little swollen from the bee stings, Bink." "Well, let's take a moment here to find out a little bit about you." "So, Steve, you're in the bank biz." "What's it like?" "How the hell would I know?" "Ooh, irritable." "Marcie?" "Well, mostly we take out these big fancy ads telling people to come for a loan, and then we laugh at them when they do." "Now, what did we win?" "Let's see." "You won the bowling ball, the watch, and, of course, your record-breaking stay in the killer bee booth netted you a toaster, but more important, you're entitled to this week's grand prize," "which is a washer/dryer!" "Oh!" "Ha ha ha ha!" "Aah!" "Happy, Steve?" "It's kind of hard to talk here, Bink." "Okay." "Marcie, you can take your prizes and go home right now, or you can risk what you've won so far, send your husband back into our torture chamber, and go for our super grand prize." "What is it?" "What is it?" "What is it?" "This brand-new car!" "Ohh!" "Ah ha ha ha!" "Ah ha ha ha!" "[LAUGHING]" "Why don't you just give her a rifle and have her shoot me?" "Too easy, Steve." "Now, remember, if you lose, you lose everything, but if you win, you win everything." "What do you think Marcie will do?" "I love it!" "I love it!" "I love it!" "Gee, Bink, I don't know." "We'll risk it, Bink." "She's some competitor, eh, folks?" "[APPLAUSE]" "Ready, Steve?" "What's it going to be, Bink, the old hand grenade down the pants?" "Spear in the pelvis?" "Impale me on a fence?" "Come on, Bink, don't keep me in suspense." "The wife needs a new car." "Okay, Steve." "You and Marcie are going to be going up against an old married couple who may not love each other as much as you and your bride." "As always, we picked them from our studio audience for the way they filled out our questionnaire," ""why I hate my spouse."" "From right here in the windy city," "He's a shoe salesman." "She's a waste of a human life." "Married 16 years, meet Al and Peggy Bundy!" "[APPLAUSE]" "Bundys, meet the Rhoades." "So, you stole our mail and our names, huh?" "How'd you find out?" "Your kids sold you out for a square meal." "How could you?" "For prizes." "All right, now that you've wished each other good luck, gentlemen..." "to your electric chairs!" "[***]" "I welcome death." "Steve, I didn't know they'd have electric chairs." "Doesn't matter, Marcie." "Juice me till I'm ash." "They're not getting that car." "See you on the other side, Rhoades." "All right, ladies." "Now, when you're turning up the dials, remember, ease it up..." "or you'll kill them." "Now, the one who cranks the most juice into her hubby gets to drive off in that car, and, kids, remember, don't try this at home." "Ready." "That car is ours." "You get that car over Al's dead body." "All right, ladies, we'll alternate." "Peggy, would you start us off?" "Yaa!" "More!" "Marcie." "Aah!" "Less!" "We have 30 here, 35 here." "Do I hear 40?" "I don't think I can." "A woman's place is in the home." "Good!" "Good!" "Hey, audience, look at him twitch!" "[APPLAUSE]" "I won't go any higher." "Will you?" "No!" "Aw, come on, honey." "It's for a car!" "What a car." "I can't wait to drive it." "Oh, come on, Al." "Stop sulking and get on in here." "[TELEVISION TURNS ON]" "Wow!" "It's so rad!" "How long is he going to be able to do that?" "Well, we're not really sure, but don't give him any water." "Okay, kids who wants to go for a ride in the car?" "I do!" "Me!" "[TV TURNS OFF]" "[***]"