"I love you." "That's all from Bras and Cars UK tonight." "There'll be a new episode of Porn Hospital tomorrow, but until then, good night, and I hope you've had a great Christmas Day." "Moz?" "Moz?" "Moz?" "Moz!" "Eh!" "Not me again." "So how was Christmas in Cardiff?" "Great." "Mum's excited about the baby." "It's hard to get away." "Once she's got everyone sat round, she don't want you to leave." "Well, she's had them new Velcro chairs fitted now and all, hasn't she?" " I could murder a cuppa." " Yeah, me, too." "I wish you'd come, Moz." "I wanted us to have a traditional family Christmas." "Are you going to give me a hand to tidy up, then?" " People will be round any time." " What people?" "Friends, for drinks and mince pies." "I told you this." "I said we'd be receiving visitors from midday." "I thought Boxing Day was meant to be a holiday." " Receiving visitors is a holiday thing to do." " No, it's not." "It's what I do for a living every day." "Visitors come, I receive them." "They receive some hash, I receive some cash, they go." "Don't you want me to be happy?" "Show some responsibility." "You're not just a boyfriend any more." "You're the father of this child." "I had a big plan for today." "I were gonna have a bath and read me comic." " That is not a big plan." " It's a big comic." "Be a long bath." ""Part razor-sharp satire, part dark dystopian thriller. " Killgasm." "Why don't you read the present that I bought you?" "Ten Steps to Perfect Fatherhood." "Yeah, I will, after I've had a couple of reads of Killgasm." "I'll get it, then." " Hiya, Jen." " Hiya, you all right?" "I'm all right." " Happy Christmas." " Ditto." "Not bring the father of your child, then?" " Has he got detention?" " No, it's school holidays." "He's at his mum and dad's, playing with his presents." "Hi." "Hey, twins, is it?" "No, they have to be in the same belly to be twins." "Oh, he's putting the boot in." "Feel." " Hey, not even born, already kicking a copper." " Oh, you've set me off now." "Yeah, cop a feel." " All right, fella, how are you?" " Deep and crisp and even, ta." " I brought us some crackers." " They should remarket crackers as instant litter." "They're supposed to be top-quality ones." " I don't know what they've got inside them." " You could X-ray them." " Have you got an X-ray?" " No, it's broke." "Luckily, I've still got me superpowers." " You're kidding!" " Ignore him, Jen." "I'll put the kettle on." ""Guaranteed to contain a shopping voucher" ""to the value of either £1, £10, £100 or £1,000."" "Hey, bet you £1,000 it's a £1 voucher." "Come on, fella." "Your eggnog's nearly hatched." "I envy you, you know, Moz." "You've got it all, haven't you?" "Your own cottage industry, lovely girlfriend, kid on the way." " Make Christmas, don't they, kids?" " You're thinking of turkeys, fella." " Nicki'll be excited about baby, then?" " I suppose so." "She's doing yoga." "It's mad." "She can actually sit on her own face." " You'll be excited about baby, then?" " On the edge of me seat." " It's exciting, though, isn't it, new baby?" " It's yours." "What are you on about?" " If you're so excited about it, you have it." " Oh." "Yeah, yeah." "Yeah, see?" "You don't want a kid any more than I do." "No." "No, I don't." "Sometimes the whole pregnancy thing freaks me right out." "God, tell me about it." "It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, isn't it?" "Just think, every time you fall asleep, they grow and grow and become more and more like you." "It's not just when you're asleep." "They're growing all the time." "Is that right?" "God, that's even scarier." "When I first found out I was pregnant, it just wouldn't sink in." "You know, it didn't seem real." "Then, one day, I was in the chemist, and I bought a little bar of baby soap." "It was the first thing I bought for the baby." "Just a little bar of white soap." "When I got home, I put it in the bathroom cabinet, and somehow, just having that little bar of soap there, well, it made the baby seem more real." "Oh." "I bought my one a plastic helter skelter." "It plays La Vida Loca, fires coloured balls." "Hiya, Felix." "Okay." "Okay, see you." "That was the daddy." "He's so excited." " About the baby?" " No, about Christmas." " He wants to show me his new Scalextric." " Right." " Hi, hi." " You two together, then?" "No, we just met on the stairs." "Not that I'm prejudiced." "I'm unprejudiced." "Yeah, me, too." "I mean, not that you're not scrummy." "I mean, you're well scrummy, and you got scrummy hair." " It's just I'm flying solo today." " You, solo?" " You betcha." "Can I use your loo?" " Ah, you've come for cottage?" "No, I'm busting." "All right, Moz, happy Christmas." "Aye, aye, I thought you didn't celebrate Christmas." "I'll celebrate owt that'll get us a meal, a drink, a pressie or a snog." "You're like me, a Buddhist." "Haven't seen you for a long while." "Been busy." "Me career's really taking off." " How nice for you." " Yeah." "Yeah, it is." " I thought you were in Wales." " No." "No, I'm here, with child." " Coming in for a seasonal spliff?" " No..." " He wants to go." "Let him go." " Yeah." "Yeah, I'll catch you later." "Good luck with the meteoric rise." "Don't forget the little people." "I thought you were into receiving visitors." "I've seen Scousers selling dusters get a warmer reception." "All right, Col?" " Not so bad." "I'm on probation as it goes." " Oh, well, third time lucky." "Yeah, anyway, look, I brought a present round for you and Nicki." "Oh, right, that's dead Christmassy." "Made of stone." "Won't wear out." "It's the gift that keeps on giving." "# We're walking in the air" "# We're floating in the moonlit... #" "Ta-da!" " Mum?" " Hello, Morris." "Shh!" "Happy Crimbo!" "Ooh!" " Long time no squeeze." " Yeah, nicely, nicely." "So what are you doing here?" " Celebrating Crimbo with you, you daft sod." " Right." "Smashing." "Bring the karaoke machine in, will you, love?" "Lugging it about is doing my prolapse no favours." "I expect you've made a few changes to the flat since last time I was here, haven't you?" "Yeah, well, nowt that'd leap out at you." "There's a new mug tree in the kitchen you won't have seen." " And what have you been up to?" " Nowt." " Similar old, similar old." " Oh, come on, summat must have happened." "Moz?" "I'm still looking for our Craig." "He's not been round here, has he?" "Look, I keep telling you, fella, if he turns up, I'll let you know." " Come in, love." "Come in." " Hey, hang on." "It's my house." "It's Crimbo!" "Come one, come all." "I promise you, Morris, now I'm here it's going to be nothing but fun." "What?" "You're having a baby, and you weren't gonna tell us?" "That is pretty shocking actually." " This is nowt to do with you." " I know." "That's what makes it so fascinating." "It's not that I weren't going to tell you." "It's just I was waiting for the right time." " It's a big thing." " It is now." "She's seven months gone," " And I'm a phone call away." " You said you had told her." "And you're not even married." "Kid's going to be illegitimate." "I'm illegitimate." "Here, Moz, have you got some weed so I can skin up?" " What?" "Weed?" "Drugs?" " Of course I haven't!" "What are you saying?" "It's illegal." "It's detrimental to your health, and it leads to stronger stuff." "I have never, ever touched weed in all my life." "Ever." "What about that bong?" "That's a mug tree." "Hi, happy Christmas." "Oh, Nicki, are you all right?" "Aw." "# Come they told me Pa pum pum pum" "#A newborn king to see Ra pum pum pum pum" "# Our finest gifts we bring Ra pum pum pum pum" "# To lay before the king Pa rum pum pum pum" "# Rum pum pum pum Rum pum pum pum #" " Do you think it's gonna be big enough?" " Yeah, my one won't have wings." " What did Moz get you?" " A nurse's uniform." "I'm not even having a hospital birth." "He's in total denial." "Do you know what he calls the baby?" "Indigestion." "You know, the future doesn't have to include Moz." "Soon as Kuldip found out I was up the stick, he disappeared off the scene." "Hasn't been round for months till today, and as for the laughing policeman," "I don't know what I was thinking." " Nobody gives a toss about me." " Hey, that's not true." "I give a toss." "# I have no gift to bring Ra pum pum pum pum" "# Shall I play for you Pum pum pum pum" "# On my drum #" " Are you giving this poor girl any support at all?" " I'm not asking her to operate heavy machinery." " And when exactly is this baby due?" " Next year some time." " February the 23rd." " Yeah, I almost said February 23rd." " And does your dad know?" " No, I've not seen him for yonks." "Last I heard, somebody saw him in Preston in '96, carrying a baby goat through John Menzies." "Bastard." "He were never a proper dad to you and Troy, were he?" "I know." "I suppose with that kind of role model, you're not really to blame for any of your mistakes." "Last time I seen Keith is when he walked out." "He's got no sense of duty, loyalty, commitment." " Did he ever say why he left you?" " Yeah." "He found out you weren't really his, Morris." "I've been waiting for the right time to tell you." "It's a big thing." "Well, it is now." "I'm 30." " Do you know who me real dad is?" " I'm not sure." "It were a busy time." "Your dad, Keith, he tried to love you, but you weren't his." "But, hey, look at Jesus." "I mean, his dad weren't his real dad, was he?" "And he made summat of himself." "Lived fast, died young, left a good-looking corpse that came back to life." " I bet you think I'm a right slapper, don't you?" " Of course not." "It could happen to anyone." " Yoko, all right?" " Happy Christmas time, Moz." "Yeah, exactly." "Where's Derrick?" "Don't tell me." " Down the allotment, vegging out?" " Allotment, yes." "Derrick has very important work with potatoes." "You are having mince-pie party?" "Yeah, but the thing is me mum's turned up." "She's brought a karaoke machine, so you'll probably want to give it a miss." "I should go, but look, if you need anywhere to get your head together," " You can always stay at mine." " Thanks." "I'll think about it." "You know, it could be time for you to wipe Moz's footprints off your back." "On your own, Brian?" "Hardly recognise you." " He dumped me yesterday." " Christmas Day?" "Wow, Brian, that's a high-impact dump." "He were a lying git." "Told me he were working as a trolley dolly for EasyJet." "Turns out he just bought the uniform from Scope." "Telling me he were jetting off all round the world, all the time, he were just off shagging this bloke in Buxton." "Do you know what he give us for Christmas?" "A bar of Brazil nut toffee." "It weren't even from Brazil." "#... jingle bell, jingle bell" "#Jingle all the way" "# Oh what fun it is to ride... #" "Thanks." " Hello, lads." "I'm Shelia, Morris' mum." " Morris?" " I'm Psycho Paul." "This is Cartoon Head." " Come in." "Did you have a nice Crimbo?" "Went down to midnight mass." "All kicked off a bit." " Bit of a family tradition." " Oh." "Hey, fella, you look like you're ready to party." "# Last Christmas, I gave you my heart" "# But the very next day you gave it away" "# Gave it away" "# This year to save me from tears" "# I'll give it to someone special #" " How long is your mum gonna be here for?" " Too long." "If the job goes right, we could be looking at 50 grand or more." "Stemroach reckons that..." "You've not seen me brother, have you?" "He's called Craig." "We're twins." "This is a photo of him." "Don't recognise him." " Are you two in a gang?" " We are a gang, me and him." "Can I join?" "I'd be dead good in a gang, me." "I could keep a lookout." " I could snitch on people." " No, mate, this gang is members only." "Oh, go on." "Please." " Oh, all right, then." " Nice one." " Are you ready for your initiation?" " Is that like the Hell's Angels?" "Are you gonna hang us upside down by me feet off a railway bridge or make us drink a pint of sheep's piss or chop me little finger off?" "No, mate, we take it seriously." "Right, you're on." "Oh, I'm... not very... singy." " You can sing I Fought the Law." " I Shot the Sheriff." " Watching the Detectives." " Theme from The Sweeney, Theme from The Bill." "Theme from Starsky and Hutch, Theme from Juliet Bravo, Theme from..." "All right, all right, all right, shut it, the lot of you." "Film, two words." "Police Academy?" "Police Academy 2?" "# We're walking in the air" "# We're floating in the moonlit sky" "# The people... #" "Sorry but no." "# Police and thieves in the street" "# Oh, yeah" "# Fighting the nation" "# With their guns and ammunition" "# Police and thieves in the street" "# Oh, yeah" "# Scaring the nation" "# With their guns and ammunition #" "I think me leg's gone to sleep." " Nail clippers." " Nail clipper look good quality." "Well, obviously, I'm no expert, but they look really classy." "Probably antique." "You can have it as a wedding present." "Man, these jokes are antiques." "Dual cabbage-way, under a vest, truncheon meat." "It's a photo frame with a picture of a little blond boy." "Here's your voucher." " It's all right, it's not much." "I'll take it." " Oi!" " Bloody hell!" "It's for a grand!" " Never." "It looks genuine." "There's a list of all the places you can spend it." "Debenhams, Smith's, Mothercare." "What about the offie end of the street?" " Isn't that smashing?" " Congratulation for voucher." "Hey, £1,000." "Moz, I could sell that for you." "I could get you 500, maybe 600 quid." " Imagine." " I'm gonna share it with Jen." " It's only fair." "She bought the crackers." " Wait." "We won it." "You won it." "It's puller's rights." "What's the point in pulling and winning if you're not gonna win what you pull?" "If you wanna be generous, tell her you won £1 and give her 50p." "Split it with me." "I'll take 50 pence." "I'm on probation." "Hiya, Jen." "Yeah." "I won a grand from those crackers that you bought." "I'm gonna share it with you." "No." "No, don't thank me." "No, do." "So let's go on a shopping spree." "Wednesday morning, 10:00, Arndale Centre, outside Mothercare." "Yeah, I know." "Happy Christmas!" "She says if she's not there, it's only 'cause she forgot." "Right." "Well, I'm having this one." "Miniature harmonica!" " Bye-bye, love." " Get knitting those booties, Sheila." "Aw!" "Lovely to spend Crimbo in the bosom of your family." "You should be more like your friend CH." " He's got his head screwed on." " Cartoon Head?" "Actually, it's glued on." "Anyroad, I want you two to stick together for the sake of the kiddie." "Of course." "Team Moz." "Team Moz and Nicki." "Team Moz, Nicki and Baby." " United FC?" " Aw." "I promise you, Mam." "You've nowt to worry about." "This is going to be the perfect family home." "For Christ's sake, everybody skin up." "Now, point me to a bong and let nature take its course." "Why don't you give up for a while?" " All this smoke isn't good for the baby." " Hey." "Don't let's worry about that now." "I'm going stone myself back to the Stone Age." "What?" "I thought you wanted a traditional Christmas." "# Is it my imagination" "# Or have I finally found something worth living for?" "Nicki?" "What?" " You know I love you, don't you?" " Get off!" "You don't love me." "Yeah, I'm pretty sure I do." "# I was looking for some action" "# But all I found was cigarettes and alcohol" " Have a happy New Year." " You what?" "I said, have a happy New Year!" "# You can wait for a lifetime" "# To spend your days in the sunshine" "# You might as well do the white line" "# 'Cause when it comes on top" "# You gotta make it happen" "Hey, I have an idea." "Let's do Theme from Rentaghost." "Where's Nicki?" "Nicki?" "Nicki?"