"(upbeat march plays)" "♪ Good morning, USA!" "♪" "♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪" "♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪" "♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪" "♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪" "♪ Good... ♪ ♪ Good morning, USA ♪" "Aah!" "♪ American Dad 6x09 ♪ Fartbreak Hotel Original Air Date on January 16, 2011" "(alarm beeping)" "♪ ♪" "♪ ♪" "♪ ♪" "(alarm beeping)" "♪ ♪" "(gunshot)" "(music stops abruptly)" "(sighs)" "What in the hell is that?" " My zucchini casserole." " Zucchini?" "(chuckles) Excuse me, but this is not Italian squash." "Yeah, the only thing Italian about this situation is your dirty lies!" "(inhales, exhales)" "You're right-- it's not zucchini, it's okra." "I guess when I was at the store, my mind was somewhere else." "See, sometimes I escape to a little place in my head where no one complains about the meals I cook." "(gasping)" "And there's no more scraping snot rockets off the shower tiles." "And no more PBJ with the crusts cut off." "(bones crack)" "Anyway, if you don't want to eat it," "I can fix something else." "Okra's great!" "Yum!" "Well, I'm not eating it." "Okra gives me pretty bad gas." "Just eat it." "Okay." "But don't complain if I get pretty bad gas." "(smoke alarm beeping)" "(coughing)" "Stan!" "(coughing)" "The house must be on fire!" "(all coughing)" "I don't see any flames." "Then what is it?" "!" "(beeping continues)" "(groans) Who farted?" "This guy!" "(farting)" "Well, whatever's in there is off-the-charts toxic." "It's gonna take at least a week to sanitize your house." "A week?" "!" "Where are we supposed to go for a week?" "Relax." "Just leave it to me." "Okay, I got us free rooms for the whole week." "How'd you do that?" "I stayed here back in the '80s and suffered a terrible accident." "To avoid a lawsuit, the hotel gave me a free week of rooms." "Honestly, I forgot about the whole thing until today." "That fart really shook some memories loose." "Wow, I just remembered, I was also in a legal battle with Nabisco." "I claimed I was Asian and sued over Cheese Nips." "Anyway, everything's complimentary-- room service, laundry, you name it." "You hear that, honey?" "A whole week without you having to take care of us." "Wow!" "Finally some me time." "Stan and Francine, here are keys to your room." "And, Steve, here's yours." "What about my room?" "Got you covered." "Oh, boy, what's in here?" "MALE NARRATOR:" "Some say that was the end of Klaus's story." "Some say it was just the beginning." "No one ever says it was the middle." "♪ ♪" "Bewitching, isn't she?" "I know you." "Weren't you the concierge in Pretty Woman?" "(chuckles) Yes." "I'm Hector Elizondo." "I've played a concierge in over 400 movies and TV pilots." "Acting pays the bills so I can pursue my true passion:" "concierging." "I don't mean to ignore your strange monologue, but..." "I can't take my eyes off this enchanting vision." "The moment I saw her, I felt as I'd... met her before." "Impossible." "The great artist Patrick Nagel painted her while staying in this hotel... in 1981." "Then I'm too late to meet her." "God!" "If it were only 1981 again!" "Well, young man..." "perhaps it can be." "Excuse me, where can I get some tampons?" "Right over here, miss." "I keep them next to my Tony." "Huh." "No breakfast to make, no clothes to wash." "I guess I can do whatever I want." "What are you doing?" "Laying out your clothes for the day." "Honey, stop worrying about us." "Go spend time with Francine, get to know her." "That's something I always wish I'd done." "A-Are you sure?" "(laughs) I'm pretty sure I can dress myself." "Uh, o-okay." "I'll just... get to know me." "(door closes)" "Oop, she forgot the socks." "Now, which ones go with the suit, navy or black?" "Francine!" "Do you like horseback riding?" "Hang gliding?" "I-I don't know." "Okay." "How do you spend your time?" "Well, for the last 20 years," "I've just taken care of my family." "Sounds like someone needs to get a life." "(soft stammering)" "ELIZONDO:" "Sounds like someone needs to get a life... get a life... get a life..." "Do you know Sarah Blanch, the OmniSlab concrete rep from Chicago?" "No, but I hear she's finally coming to one of these conventions." "I just heard she was in an accident on her way here." "Car went over a cliff and into a river." "That's horrible!" "She's presumed dead." "But nothing's concrete." "(both laugh hysterically)" "But seriously, she's probably dead." "I know who you are!" "You do?" "There's only one name tag left." "You must be Sarah Blanch." "ELIZONDO:" "Someone needs to get a life... get a life... get a life..." "Y... es!" "That's me!" "I am Sarah Blanch." "Someone needs to get naked... get naked..." "get naked..." "Please, God, not you... not you..." "not you..." "So, welcome everyone, and, uh, let's make this concrete sellers convention the most solid one ever." "(chuckling)" "Sarah Blanch!" "Pam Deakins!" "The Bakersfield rep!" "We've done business on the phone!" "Oh...!" "Bakersfield Pam!" "You know, Sarah, there's a rumor that you died in a" "(whispers): car crash." "(laughing):" "A what?" "Oh, my, no!" "I was just dying to be here!" "(laughter) If you're like me, you were dying to get away from your family for a week." "Actually, I... don't have a family." "Nope." "My life is all about me." "Horseback riding and hang gliding and, um... having sex with some of Chicago's many Polacks." "ROGER:" "Sounds like the life to me!" "Hi, Sarah." "Pete Pendelman, concrete man out of Pheboygan." "Let's walk and talk." "What are you doing?" "What?" "On a whim, I decided to be a saleswoman who didn't show up-- big deal." "No, I-I get it-- you need a little escape from Francine." "We are gonna have so much fun this week!" "Yeah." "We'll mingle, go to cocktail mixers..." "Oh, no" " Pete Pendelman is a recovering alcoholic." "I started hitting the bottle after my wife died... during breast reduction surgery that I made her get." "(choked up):" "She was pregnant at the time!" "Anyway, we're gonna have a blast-- as long as the real Sarah Blanch doesn't show up." "Oh, don't worry-- Sarah Blanch is dead." "(gasps)" "(laughing)" "(thud)" "Stop torturing yourself, Steve." "You'll never have her... unless you believe in... time travel!" "What?" "Oh, sorry, wrong brochure." "Whoa!" "This claims you could travel back in time using only your mind!" "Do you know what this means?" "Yes." "You can go back in time, watch me be born, and be the first person to hold me." "Just kidding!" "Go back to 1981 and get your dream girl!" "Thanks, Hector!" "Who will hug baby Hector?" "You tap-dance, too?" "Wow, Sarah!" "How many hobbies do you have?" "Five." "Wow!" "Five?" "Pete, you've been quiet." "What about your family?" "You married?" "Two years ago my wife was killed by a plastic surgeon in Ecuador." "I found him on Yelp." "I gave him two stars." "Her breasts looked amazing during the open-casket." "So I... was married." "(clears throat)" "(beep)" "(sighs)" "Looks like Sarah's day is over." "Aw..." "Aw..." "Excuse me, Miss Blanch." "We show you still haven't checked into your executive suite." "Whoa!" "A complimentary bucket of Coronas?" "!" "Sarah must be super important!" "Hey, let's order huge sundaes from room service and just pig out!" "Oh, no sweets for Pete-- I have stage two diabetes." "In fact... (inhales)" "(sucking)" "(quiet grunt)" "Really?" "I could get used to being Sarah Blanch." "♪ ♪" "How the hell does she know how to tap-dance?" "Because she's Sarah (bleep) Blanch!" "Hey!" "You're a loudmouth, Doug." "You're loud." "All right, Steve, this is exactly how your hotel room looked in 1981." "Whoa." "A waterbed!" "So, basically," "I just concentrate as hard as I can that I'm in 1981, and I'll be transported back in time to meet my dream girl from the painting?" "Yes, Steve." "What is so hard to understand about that?" "Okay, it's May 14, 1981." "President Jimmy Carter leaves the White House in disgrace." "Pope John Paul II is shot in Rome by a deranged Jimmy Carter." "Jimmy Carter kidnaps and devours 13 Christian babies." "Hmm." "Maybe I should have read a real history book instead of the one Dad wrote." "Did it work?" "Is it 1981?" "Roger?" "!" "Damn it, it didn't work." "Who's Roger?" "The name's Reaganomics Lamborghini, Jacuzzi dealer." "Want to smoke cocaine out of my pipe made from a Rubik's Cube?" "(yelling)" "Sir, are you all right?" "!" "I was sitting on this waterbed minding my own my business when it spontaneously exploded!" "I demand a week of free rooms, or I'll sue the crap of you!" "Wait a second." "I made it!" "It's 1981." "♪ ♪" "Hey, I just got another crazy text from Stan about socks." "Is he okay?" "Oh, I'm sure he's fine." "(crying)" "Look, I don't have time for anyone else right now." "I'm too busy living my own life." "But it's not your life." "It belongs to..." "Sarah, where have you been?" "You have to give your speech." "What?" "There she is, our closing speaker," "OmniSlab rep, Sarah Blanch." "All right, you've taken Sarah as far as she can go." "Let's make a run for it." "Come on up, Sarah." "(inhales deeply)" "You... dumb bitch." "Hello." "Um, I'm here to talk about... rebar placement and planned gap structure coordination." "Huh?" "!" "(inhales deeply)" "You know what?" "No." "What I'd really like to talk about is the, um... uh... uh..." "The Chinese." "The Chinese threat to our domestic concrete industry." "There are over a million" "Chinese people in China alone." "And I'm here to tell you, they are a-coming, folks." "They know math, they know kung-fu, and they've been going pee-pee in our Coke for years!" "So let's keep the yella out of our red, white and blue." "(whooping, cheering and applause)" "WOMAN:" "Way to go, Sarah!" "MAN:" "Yeah!" "Nagel, you're a genius!" "Sun-faded prints of your paintings will never be found in Korean hair salons." "Mr. Nagel, sir," "I have traveled a great distance to see you." "You paint my dream girl today, and I need to know who she is." "Oh, I'm touched by your passion, young man." "I'll help you on your lover's quest, but first, share in some cherry wine." "Um, cherry wine tastes pretty weird." "That's because I put a bunch of weird illegal things in it!" "(laughter)" "Nagel, you son of a bitch, let's drug some kids." "Oh, you kidding me?" "You already cut the turkey?" "Well, Sarah, it's been fun, but all good characters must to come end." "Sarah, Jed Farnsworth of The Cherino Concrete Corporation." "I haven't heard someone speak with that much passion since my fat friend discovered Buca di Beppo." "Wow." "Thank you." "Look, I want you to come manage my Portland facility." "It's the most prestigious job in the concrete industry." "I..." "I don't know what to say." "Say yes, and tomorrow, you can fly to your new life in Economy Plus with only one stop in Denver." "What are you doing?" "What's there to even think about?" "You're right." "Mr. Farnsworth?" "I'll take that job in Portland." "Wait." "What?" "!" "(sighs)" "Well, there goes my two-year chip." "Stale as the dickens." "ANNOUNCER:" "Thank you to Timothy Crehan of Salina, Kansas for sending us this week's winning joke." "Francine, you're not actually taking the job in Portland?" "Think about your family." "Francine Smith spent her whole life thinking about her family, and what did it do for her?" "Nada." "Francine, listen to me..." "Wait." "You throwing that away?" "This would make a perfect cape." "I am The Tender Vigilante." "This city's in pain, and it needs my tender justice." "Oh, my God, it's working!" "(horns honking, thudding)" "(car alarm blaring)" "NAGEL:" "Hey, Sleepyhead." "Wha..." "What happened?" "You passed out." "It's a shame." "You missed the creation of my latest masterpiece." "She was here?" "!" "And I missed her?" "!" "No, my dear Smurf, you are her!" "While you slumbered, I stripped you naked, placed a black wig on you, put a cougar in your lap and... (chuckles) ...voila!" "No!" "(yells)" "The girl in the painting was you, wasn't it, Steve?" "How..." "H-How did you know?" "Because I was once in love, too." "The Tender Vigilante doesn't have... insurance." "(inhales deeply)" "Welcome aboard, Sarah." "Ms. Blanch, your limo is waiting to take you to the airport." "Thank you, Jonathan." "And did you give any thought to joining my family for Christmas dinner?" "We hate the thought of you spending another holiday alone." "Thank you, Jonathan, but I'll be working." "Plus, you know I don't dine with robots." "Oh, but you weren't complaining last night when I spent the better part of two hours eating your baaa..." "Broxton, before we go to the hotel, can we make a stop first?" "I've seen enough, Broxton." "Ms. Blanch!" "Back for another concrete convention." "It's been ten years and three more Garry Marshall movies." "Let me ask." "Are you happy with the life you've chosen?" "No." "No, I'm not." "Well, there's always a way back." "Uh... (clears throat) Sorry." "Here." "The Tender Vigilante doesn't have... insurance." "(inhales deeply)" "We need to talk." "I'm you from the future." "Really?" "When did I get Paulie Walnut's hair?" "Don't get in that car." "Bye, guys." "Have a good day." "Wait." "What about breakfast?" "I'm happy to make you breakfast every day except Thursday." "Thursdays are for me." "NARRATOR:" "And from that moment on," "Francine made Thursday her day." "A day to do whatever she pleased." "Yeah, girl." "Do your thang." "Get your Thursday on." "Man, was that close."