"Ah!" "Oh, wow, man." "That's so good." "Oh, man!" "Hey." "Look at you." "Why are you all dressed up?" "I'm dressed up for Diwali, man." "Oh, yeah, right." "You don't know what Diwali is, do you?" "Todd, come on." "It's the biggest holiday in India, man." "I know what it is." "I just think it's become a little commercialized, you know?" "It shouldn't be about buying stuff." "It should be about celebrating the birth of the Baby Diwali." "There is no Baby Diwali, is there?" "Uh..." "Laughing cow?" "Crouching tiger?" "Flying monkey." "Okay." "There does happen to be a flying monkey." "But I feel like that guess came from a bad place." "So, what is Diwali?" "It's the holiest day of the year." "It's a huge celebration." "Madam?" "Do I look like a tourist?" "Do I have a fanny pack?" "No." "So, don't try to rip me off with your prices, you sewage goblin." "Oh, Rajiv, is everything okay?" "Good morning, sir." "I am in the process of buying my Vimi a new sari for Diwali." "That's beautiful." "What?" "This, uh, dish rag?" "This cage liner?" "If the silk worm who gave his life for this sari could see what you've done with it, he'd spin a tiny noose and hang himself." "Rs.5,000 is my final offer." "Oh, big spender." "Make it 6,000 and I will throw in some extra fabric for you to stuff your pants with, you eunuch." "Madam, as anyone who has seen me in clingy trunks can attest, I am no eunuch." "This negotiation is over." "I thought you were going to get the sari." "Shh!" "Wait for the mouse to find the cheese." "If they do not wish you dead after the transaction, you have left money at the table." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "I will accept your price, even if it means my family will go without food." "I love the holidays." "Wow!" "You guys look amazing." "Oh, thank you, Todd." "This is a compliment machine." "This morning, I struck up a conversation with a woman on the bus and she told me I was driving her insane." "Hot." "Happy Diwali, sir." "I made you some barfi." "Oh." "So, there's barf-i in that box?" "Yes, and it's still warm." "Oh." "It..." "It's, like..." "It's, like a cake thing." "Wow." "Oh." "Madhuri, I'm sorry." "I didn't get you anything." "I..." "I had no idea what Diwali involves." "I mean, everyone's dressed up, and there's gifts, and..." "Oh, my God!" "Higher!" "Higher!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Rajiv, stop that." "Guys." "Guys." "Take that down." "Rajiv, what is wrong with you?" "This is unbelievably offensive." "Sir, this is an ancient Hindu symbol meant to bring good luck." "Really?" "Because historically, I don't think it works." "Swastika is a Sanskrit word." "The Nazis stole it from us." "Okay." "Well, fine." "I just don't want it above my desk." "Can't we just have, like, a four-leaf clover or something like that?" "Certainly, sir." "Perhaps you should jot down a list of things from our ancient culture that make you uncomfortable so we can change them instantly." "Ajeet, your name is now Tyler." "No, I don't want to change anything." "I just don't understand this holiday." "Nice shirt, Tyler." "Guys." "Guys." "Can somebody tell me what Diwali is really all about?" "It's about the triumph of good over evil." "And the beginning of the new year." "And it marks the end of the harvest." "And it commemorates Lord Rama's glorious return after 14 years of exile." "And his defeat of the demon king, Ravana." "Wow." "Ravana." "So, it's, like, a combination of Christmas, New Year's, 4th of July, and Star Wars." "Just think of it like Christmas." "It's where families get together." "They exchange gifts." "That is why I bought my precious Vimi this spectacular garment." "Compare it to the clown costumes some of the people around here wear." "This is my finest sari." "I saved up to buy it." "Too bad you couldn't save up to buy some good taste." "Vimi has been up my nose to buy her a new sari." "She is going to be so pleased with me this afternoon." "Whoa, whoa." "This afternoon?" "What?" "Are you leaving early?" "We all are." "Yeah." "It's Diwali, Todd." "Oh, I..." "I got to clear this with corporate before I, before I can give you guys a half-day off." "Half-day off?" "But Diwali is five days." "I thought we had the rest of the week off." "It's only Wednesday." "I can't just shut down the company." "Todd, please." "I have to catch a train." "I'm supposed to go to Sunil's home tonight to meet his family for the very first time." "It's a really big deal." "I'm sorry, Asha." "Look, guys, guys." "I feel really bad." "You know?" "I can't just give everybody all this time off." "Can't we just be happy that the Demon King is dead?" "Even the Demon King gives his workers the holidays off." "What?" "Oh." "Nothing." "Just saying that you're worse than the Demon King." "Hey, Charlie." "Are you letting your workers leave early today for Diwali?" "You have to, man." "This is huge for them." "I love this time of year." "Booze, fireworks, no laws against how you like to party." "It's like spring break before MTV got a hold of it." "Check out this little game-changer." "Whoa." "Happy Diwali, everybody!" "Are you crazy?" "Relax." "I'm pretty sure they're blanks." "Pretty sure?" "Well, the box was in Russian." "Hey, Todd." "Good news, man." "Asha is having a fight with Sunil." "When she said she couldn't make it to his family's house for dinner because you are being a slave driver, her words, not mine." "Although I agree, my words..." "Sunil told her to quit her job." "What did she say?" "Wait, wait." "No." "I don't want to know." "That ship has sailed." "I'm just going to focus on work." "You know, I came to India to sell Americans novelties made in China, and that's what I'm going to do." "That's the right idea, man." "My relationship with Tonya has been a real distraction, too." "I didn't realize you had a relationship with Tonya." "Ah, sure I do." "I follow her to the market, the gym, the movies..." "We do all the things couples do, just not together." "Here she comes." "You know what?" "She likes to sit outside." "I'm going to get the table next to her." "My scent is in the area." "Let the pheromones do the talking." "Oh, here he is." "The Diwali virgin." "Ah." "Well, I'm only a virgin because I want my Diwali honeymoon to be special." "It's always nice to have your deep spiritual beliefs used as foreplay." "Hey, some friends of mine are having a bit of a piss-up later on." "Do you fancy some beers?" "Uh, well, I've got to work tonight." "Otherwise, I would love to come to your piss-up." "You're working on Diwali?" "All right-y." "But if you change your mind, give me a call." "Because you have no idea what you're missing out on." "Happy Diwali, everyone!" "Your Candy Cane Condoms are on their way." "I am required by law to tell you only decorative, STD's, blah, blah, blah." "You probably don't have to work on Christmas, do you?" "Of course not." "I get a whole week off for Christmas." "You are a lucky man." "Not only do you need condoms." "You actually have time off to enjoy them." "Hey, what's that?" "That noise?" "That's happiness outside of my window." "Hello?" "Hey, Jerry, it's Todd." "Uh..." "Uh..." "Not a good time." "I'm undergoing a little marital tune-up." "Do you see this?" "This is exactly what I'm talking about." "Yeah, well, look, I'm having a little problem here." "It's Diwali." "Just fire his ass." "No, it's not a worker." "It's a big holiday here for these guys." "It's like making people work on Christmas Eve." "Okay." " Look at him." "He spends all his time on the phone." "He doesn't even look at me anymore." "He'd have sex with that phone if he could." "Don't think I haven't tried, Nancy." "Todd, Americans don't stop buying novelties just because it's a holiday in India." "Tell your crew they've got to work." "Yeah, but Jerry, I don't..." "I don't think you understand." "No, Todd." "Your workers made a commitment to this job." "And when you make a commitment, you honor it." "Even if you have a different opinion of how a massage should end." "She was an undercover cop." "You made the papers." "All right." "You know what?" "Uh, I'm going to make an executive decision here." "You've decided to cancel the sunrise?" "I'm going to handle the calls myself." "All right?" "Everyone can go." "Happy Diwali to all and to all a good night." "Go, go, go, go, go, go!" "Are you sure you can handle this by yourself?" "I'll be fine." "Happy Diwali." "Thank you, Todd." "Vimi will be so happy!" "Ahhh!" "No!" "Vimi's sari!" "Oh!" "No, no, no, no, no." "He can't be closed." "Madhuri, my favorite employee." "Happy Diwali." "It is for the child I just saved." "His shirt was ignited by a firecracker, and I smothered the flames with Vimi's sari." "A true Diwali miracle." "And now, all the shops are closed." "And, sadly, Vimi cannot wear my courage." "If I give you my sari, what am I going to wear home?" "I will get you a novelty t-shirt of your choice from storage." "I bet you would look lovely in the "I'm with Hottie" shirt." "You see, the arrow points at you." ""Hottie."" "Under the circumstances, it would be an honor to give you my sari." "Thank you." "For the mere price of Rs10,000." "What?" "Are you out of your mind, you small-voiced rodent?" "I regret to inform you the price is now 11,000." "Madhuri, you... you..." "I can see this negotiation is over." "I'm going to go and get a chai, and then catch my bus." "Come on, mousie." "Come to the cheese." "Thank you for calling Mid America Novelties." "How can I help you?" "Thank you for calling..." "What do I have to say to get you into a pair of the world's largest granny panties?" "I'm really sorry, but that item is on backorder." "Sorry for making you hold." "What can I help you with?" "No, but I can offer you rush shipping on that." "I'm sorry, but the yodeling pickles are on back order." "Did I already speak to you?" "If so, I'm sorry." "If not, how can I help you?" "No." "No." "No." "The poo-shaped soap is..." "Look, buddy." "You can keep saying "agent," but..." "That card has also been declined." "Look, it's none of my business, but maybe you don't need this stuff." "Thank you for your order." "Your item will be there in five to seven business days." "Hey, where am I calling, anyway?" "Actually, we're in India." "Well, I've got to say, your American accent is right on the money." "You are too kind, sir." "I am most happy to be pleasing you." "Hey!" "What are you doing here?" "I thought I'd come by and see if I could change your mind." "No, I've got to stay here." "I sent everybody home." "I've been taking all the calls myself." "Why don't you just put the call center on voice mail?" "I wish I could, but my boss..." "Is thousands of miles away." "Todd, you're in India, and this is the biggest holiday of the year." "Fine." "Rs.11,000. Now, give me your sari." "Am I getting a whiff of 12,000?" "How dare you?" "The sari is now 13,000." "Oh, I get it." "Every time I do not meet your offer, you go up Rs.1000?" "The next thing I know, I'm offering Rs.20,000." "Sold." " 19?" " 21." "Okay, okay. 21." "Just so you know, I would have paid 25 for it." "Just so you know, I got it for three." "This is amazing." "Aren't you glad I got you out of the office?" "I've got to be honest." "This is the best time I've had since I've been in India." "Well, maybe you've just had the wrong person showing you around." "Huh!" "Oh." "Sorry." "Sorry." "Have you got a franger?" "More like a half franger, but I'm getting there." "No, no, no." "A condom." "I don't think I do." "Oh, wait." "I think I have some novelty condoms in the closet." "Yes!" "Uh, measuring stick, or glow in the dark?" "Yeah." "Yeah, glow in the dark." "Come here." "Oh." "What are you doing here?" "I canceled dinner with Sunil so I could help you." "But, I see you have all the help you need." "Hey, Todd!" "Todd, Todd, Todd, I have good news." "Asha didn't go to dinner at Sunil's." "You're still in the game, man." "I don't think so." "Why not?" "I kind of hooked up with Tonya over Diwali." "The Australian?" "Dirty dog." "Okay." "Tell me everything." "From the beginning." "A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell." "Then, skip the kissing and tell me about the good stuff." "No, Manmeet." "Okay, okay, okay." "I'll get you started." "The night was blank with blank." "And I was surprised to find her blank was already blank." "Oh, Todd." "Please fill in my blanks." "Please, God." "Give me an Australian of my own." "...and it was so fun." "Yes, I was all alone, but it was still a great Diwali." "Hey." "How was your Diwali?" "Not as good as yours." "Hey." "Hey." "I am really sorry about that." "You know, we were drinking, and we couldn't find a cab." "You don't have to explain." "I understand your culture has different values." "What's that supposed to mean?" "We don't just jump into bed with anyone." "I mean, you barely even know her." "Yeah?" "And what about your values?" "You're about to marry some guy you've never even met." "Yeah, I'm making a life-Iong commitment." "You're just contaminating the break room table." "Hmm?" "Biscuit?" "Hey, how was your Diwali?" "It was a great night!" "I've never blown up so much crap!" "Charlie, you're screaming." "Yeah!" "It was like a dream!" "I bought a huge crate of fireworks!" "But I think I got a hernia lifting it!" "Just between us, I've got a little swelling in the janglers!" "Charlie." "Shh!" "There's Tonya." "Put in a good word for me." "But play it cool." "I'm going to go ice down my nads!" "Hey, Tonya." "Hey, Dempsy." "That was a lot fun the other night." "Yeah, that was the best break room sex I ever had." "Well, maybe we should do it again to give you something to compare it to." "I just don't want Charlie to see us." "You know, he's had a thing for you for a long time." "I don't want to be with Charlie." "I want to be with you." "Okay, Charlie's gone now." "Oh, I see." "You've still got feelings for Asha." "No." "No, no." "I just..." "No, I get it." "No." "Tonya..." "No worries." "I don't see it as a problem." "I see it as a challenge." "Oh, wow." "See how much fun you can have when you don't think about Asha?" "I wasn't thinking about Asha." "Not convinced." "And that was the best storage closet sex I've ever had." "That was..." "You are..." "Thanks." "Still thinking about Asha?" "Who?" "Attaboy." "Okay, goodnight." "Hey, Rajiv." "What are you doing in there?" "Sir, I regret to inform you that we have ourselves a thief." "This scoundrel has stolen two packages of the glow-in-the-dark condoms." "I wouldn't make a big deal out of it." "I mean, I think if anything, this thief should be applauded for his sense of humor and commitment to safer sex." "We cannot take this lightly." "Any theft in the office must be punished." "Yeah, but there's nothing we can do." "I mean, we don't know who did it, right?" "We will." "When we review the footage from the security cameras." "Security cameras?" "We have those?" "Yes." "I had them installed after my count of the sugar packets did not add up." "You know what?" "I think I'm going to take care of this myself." "I'll go look at the footage." "Of course, sir." "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "Oh!" "Hello, Todd." "Hello, Todd." "Jeez!" "Surprised?" "Surprised?" "If you are watching this, then you know your shameful break room shenanigans have been discovered." "I wish I could see the look on your face." "Wish granted." "Rajiv, you've got nothing on me." "Tonya doesn't work for us, so corporate won't care, and I can pay for the condoms." "I want $20,000 in unmarked bills and your resignation." "And you realize now that I have you on tape trying to blackmail me." "Should we just call it even?" "You will also give me your brown shoes that I like." "You know, the ones with the tassels." "You cannot get those here." "I do not know why." "It goes on like this for a while." "You shall also send a company-wide email declaring that I, Rajiv, defeated you." "However you choose to word it is up to you." "But the subject line should be, "Todd defeated by Rajiv"." "Perhaps as an attachment, include a picture where I am very large and you are very small." "You can use Photoshop." "Send me a copy of the email." "No, BCC me." "No, CC me." "I can still hear you." "Uh, no." "Send me a copy, Shh." "No, don't send me a copy at all." "What you watching?" "I'm reviewing some footage on the security camera." "You really have to see this." "Is this footage from today?" "Yes, very recent." "This is my favorite part coming up." "Hey, Gupta." "Todd!" "Ooh, muffins." "Those look good." "Uh-huh." "Rajiv, why didn't you say anything?" "What would I have said?" "Gupta licked your muffin?" "I guess I could have said that."