"Copyright from ecOtOne™" "(ROCK OF AGES PLAYING)" "♫ All right ♪" "♫ I got something to say ♪" "♫ Yeah ♪" "♫ It's better to burn out ♪" "♫ Yeah ♪" "♫ Than fade away ♪" "♫ All right ♪" "♫ Ow ♪" "Terrific." "♫ Gonna start a fire ♪" "(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)" "♫ Come on ♪" "What's up, numb-nuts?" "Read 'em and weep." "Van Halen at the Centrum." "Third row!" "Yöu should take Jolene, man." "I heard she got big nipples." "This is Van freakin' Halen, man." "Get serious." "Besides, I'm just not into girls anymore." "Dude, I'm into guys, too!" "No, no, no, no, no." "That's not what I meant." "I'm into women." "(I WAS MADE FOR LOVING YOU PLAYING)" "♫ Yeah ♪" "Hey, Mary." "I got two tickets to Van Halen this weekend." "What time should I pick yöu up?" "It is Miss McGarricle, Donny." "And that's cute, but I am yöur teacher, not yöur girlfriend." "Whoa, Miss McGarricle, who said anything about girlfriends?" "Let's just start with a summer fling, couple of hand jobs, no expectations." "Don't get all psycho on me right away." "That is a month's detention." "What's a hand job?" "I don't know, but I think I want one." "Can I go to the bathroom?" "No." "No talking in detention, Mr. Berger." "All right, I'm sorry for what I did." "I promise I won't do it again." "Yöu're in a lot of trouble, Donny." "Wait, yöu're not gonna tell my dad, are yöu?" "He'll kick my ass." "He..." "He'scrazy." "What were yöu trying to do, anyway?" "Impress yöur friends?" "Well, yöu know, yöu're, um..." "Yöu have a little crush on me?" "(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) No." ""No." So, yöu..." "Yöu don't want me." "No." "Yeah." "I..." "I don'tknow what I'm supposed to say right now." "Is that gum in yöur mouth, Donny?" "Mmm." "Yöu know, I've been watching yöu all year, Donny." "When yöu hit that shot to beat Fairfield and yöu were jumping up and down in yöur little Larry Bird short-shorts and sweating like a jar of pickles in the hot sun..." "(SIGHS) Oh, God." "That was so hot." "Is this really happening?" "This is happening." "It's happening right now." "In my office." "Okay." "Awesome." "So, I..." "I'm totally in." "How do yöu want to do it?" "'Cause I made sex before, lots of ways." "So yöu want to go straight to hand jobs or eating me out or taking me from behind?" "I'll teach yöu." "DONNY: (VOICE CRACKS) I'm a virgin." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God !" "(AND THE CRADLE WILL ROCK PLAYING)" "♫ Ow ♪" "♫ Oh, yeah ♪" "♫ Yöu know ♪" "♫ Oh ♪" "(READING IN HEBREW)" "♫ Well, they say it's kind of frightening ♪" "♫ How this yöunger generation swings ♪" "♫ Yöu know it's more than just... ♪" "Who?" "Me?" "♫ Well, the kid is into losing sleep ♪" "♫ And he don't come home for half the week ♪" "♫ Yöu know it's more than just an aggravation ♪" "♫ And the cradle will rock ♪" "Hey, Donny, what'd yöu get?" "♫ Cradle will rock ♪" "♫ And I say rock on ♪" "And if I'm elected eighth grade class president," "I promise to..." "MARY: (GASPING) Yöu're getting so good at this!" "I promise to do my best to lower prices at the school stores and, um..." "MARY:" "All of our practice is really paying off!" "(MARY MOANING)" "I like the sound of that." "(MARY MOANING) (RHYTHMIC BANGING)" "Timmy, stop." "Hold on a second." "(AUDIENCE GASPS)" "(SCREAMS)" "(AUDIENCE MURMURING)" "My dad's gonna kick my ass." "(CHEERING)" "Calm down !" "(WILD CHEERING)" "AUDIENCE: (CHANTING) Donny!" "Donny!" "Donny!" "Donny!" "Who's the man?" "Donny!" "Donny!" "Donny!" "Donny!" "Yeah !" "Yöu want some of me?" "Who's the man?" "(CHEERING CONTINUES)" "(CAMERAS CLICKING)" "JUDGE:" "All right, everybody!" "(GAVEL BANGING)" "Enough !" "I am aware that a lot of people think that this yöung man is not really a victim, but someone that's living the ultimate teenage boy's fantasy." "Absolutely." "(GALLERY MURMURS)" "JUDGE:" "But..." "(GAVEL BANGING)" "... thisis a serious crime." "Mary Beth McGarricle, rise for sentencing." "(GALLERY GASPS) (MURMURS)" "JUDGE:" "The fact that this relationship has resulted in a pregnancy and yöu show absolutely no remorse, saying, and I quote," ""I would fuck that kid again and again." ""He makes me feel like there's a rainbow" ""coming out of my beaver... "" "(GALLERY MURMURS)" "... leavesme absolutely no choice but to levy the maximum penalty." "Thirty years in the Massachusetts Women's Penitentiary." "And furthermore, the court grants custody of the unborn child to Donald Berger's father..." "Dumb-ass." "... untilDonaldturns18,  at which time he will assume full custody." "(GALLERY MURMURS)" "Take care of our baby, Donny!" "Miss McGarricle!" "I'll never stop loving yöu !" "That is just fucking mental." "(LlMELlGHT PLAYING)" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "♫ Living on a lighted stage ♪" "♫ Approaches the unreal ♪" "♫ For those who think and feel ♪" "♫ ln touch with some reality ♪ (BABY COOS)" "♫ Beyond the gilded cage ♪" "The kid is yöung, he's attractive, he can probably keep a hard-on longer than this fucking guy." "♫ Cast in this unlikely role ♪" "♫ lll-equipped to act ♪" "♫ With insufficient tact ♪" "♫ One must put up barriers ♪" "Made yöu flinch, pansy." "Go ahead!" "I don't need yöu!" "I'm Donny freakin' Berger!" "I'm wicked famous and I got a wicked big schlong!" "RADIO DJ 1 :" "Hey, here's something." "Donny Berger's back in the news." "RADIO DJ 2:" "That kid who got his teacher pregnant?" "Exactly." "Oh, I Iove that guy." "Seems like he bought a round last night." "Okay." "For everybody in Boston Garden." "(LAUGHS) Oh, my God, he's my hero." "That kid is burning through that money, but he's having a good time doing it." "(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)" "(OVER CAR STEREO) ♫ The underlying theme ♪" "(MUSIC STOPS)" "(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)" "DONNY:" "So, guy, how'd we do?" "What them fuckers at the IRS say?" "Well, they said a lot of stuff." "The thing that really jumped out was "three years in prison."" "Three years?" "Yeah, yöu haven't paid taxes since '94, Donny." "What..." "I thoughttheywere taking it out automatically!" "I told them that's what yöu thought, and they said it's the stupidest thing they ever heard." "But there is some good news." "If yöu can pay the balance off by the end of the weekend, they'll suspend the sentence." "Oh, okay, there yöu go." "What are we talking about?" "Hit me." "43,000." "43 grand?" "No!" "Come on, Donny!" "Don't screw up my Tom Brady poster." "It's my favorite one." "Look at that jawline." "Just the right amount of scruff." "I'm sorry!" "I'm just freaking out here!" "I don't got 43 grand !" "Well, look, hey, good news." "Monday's Memorial Day, so yöu don't need to get the money till Tuesday." "All right." "That'll give me time to sell my diamond Lamborghini !" "Hey, hey, hey!" "Yöu're killing me, man !" "Don't mess with the genius." "Jimmy, I got $28 to my name." "28, huh?" "Okay." "I got a hot tip on a long shot that just might come in." "What is it, a horse?" "No." "This is Tubby Tuke, fat guy." "Fat guy?" "Gonna run the marathon." "Odds on him winning are 8,000-to-1 ." "But this cat's got wheels on him." "I think he's gonna win, I really do." "All right, I'll put 20 on the fat fuck, but I can't count on that." "It's a long shot, yöu said it yöurself." "But what about yöur kid?" "Maybe he can come up with the dough." "We don't talk no more." "He kind of moved out when he turned 18, and, uh, that's the last I seen of him." "What happened?" "I don't know." "I loved that little Han Solo more than anything in the world, too." "Yöu named yöur kid Han Solo?" "Yes, sir." "Han Solo Berger?" "Coolest name in the world, right?" "Why don't yöu just Facebook him?" "I can't afford that shit." "What am I, a billionaire?" "I don't think he wants to be found, anyways." "Especially by me." "Hey, look!" "It's us!" "(SHRIEKING)" "On the cover!" "Don't we look great?" "Yeah, well, yöu look good." "I kind of look like a ventriloquist." "(CHUCKLES)" "I don't know, it's still kind of weird, right?" "I mean, it's got our faces and our names." "It just seems like anyone could find us." ""Find us?" Honey, did yöu take yöur Xanax today?" "Yeah, two." "I always double down when yöur parents are in town." "Do yöu have yöur security undies?" "Yep, right here." "Good." "I know that makes yöu feel better." "There's stranger things than walking around with an extra pair of underwear for emergencies." "Look, just this once, don't be so weird." "We're gonna have the best wedding ever." "Okay." "(SIGHS SOFTLY)" "DONNY:" "holy shit." "What the hell happened to my Iife, ChampaIe?" "Don, honey, no way to come up with that money, huh?" "No." "The only thing I'm good at is being Donny Berger, and no one wants to pay for that anymore." "Aw, Donny." "Wow!" "My face is yöur toilet!" "Show some fucking respect over there, Kenny." "Hey, whoa." "Hey, Mom, did yöu want some breakfast after yöu finish yöur dance?" "Give it to me now, honey." "Donny doesn't mind, do yöu, Donny?" "Holy cow, that's my son !" "Who, Han Solo?" "I thought yöu said he was a fatty." "No, no, no." "He must have lost the weight or something, 'cause I swear to God, that's my boy." "It says, "Todd Peterson to wed Jamie Martin this Sunday" ""at All Saints Church on Cape Cod."" "Todd Peterson?" "He changed his name!" "Why?" "What was wrong with Han Solo Berger?" "It's the coolest fucking name of all time." ""Peterson is one of the yöungest" ""large-cap hedge fund managers in the financial industry."" "Oh, he got rich on us, huh?" ""All the more impressive considering he was orphaned" ""at age nine when both his parents" ""died in a horrific explosion."" "He fucking blew me up and his mother?" "Donny, maybe yöur son could help yöu, financially." "I don't know." "This kid changed his name." "He doesn't even want to be a Berger anymore." "He's not gonna want to talk to me." "That was the incomparable ChampaIe." "(APPLAUSE) And now, looking hot and ignoring doctor's orders, let's welcome Amber." "(WOLF WHISTLES)" "What the fuck happened to her?" "Fuck yöu, Kenny!" "Hey, what's up, RoboCop?" "GERALD:" "This is where yöur boss lives?" "TODD:" "Oh, uh, it's actually just his summer home." "GERALD:" "Summer home." "What a dick." "JAMIE:" "Dad !" "Oh, my goodness." "Todd, it's just breathtaking !" "(LAUGHS) Hey!" "There he is." "Hey, Mr. Spirou." "There's my golden boy." "(LAUGHS)" "Come over here, champ." "Come on, get over here." "Oh, oh." "Hi." "Yeah." "Oh, look at yöu." "Look at yöu, the lovely bride." "What a couple!" "Mr. Spirou, it's so amazing that yöu're letting us all stay here." "Seriously, thank yöu so much." "Steve, these are my parents, Gerald and Helen." "Oh, it's a pleasure." "Hi." "Yöur daughter's a sweetheart." "Yöu can tell she likes Todd for Todd, not because he's gonna be rich." "I wouldn't want my boy to end up with some gold digger like the last three whores I married, huh?" "(LAUGHTER)" "True story." "All three?" "Whores." "(CHUCKLES)" "Huh." "Well, guys, this weekend, mi casa es su casa." "Yöu know, every member of my staff are lucky to be in this country, so feel free to abuse the shit out of 'em." "(LAUGHS)" "Go get the fucking bags!" "Well, Mrs. Spirou, I've always said that if the finance game was an amusement park, yöur son would be a roller coaster, and I would just ride him all day long." "(CHUCKLES) That came out weird." "Yeah, well, Stevie likes to think that he's the star of the family." "But before he was born, I modeled a bathing suit for a Woolworth advertisement." "Well, yöu still have quite a figure on yöu there, Delores." "Yeah, I can see where Steve got his rocking bod." "(LAUGHS) Oh, why, thank yöu." "JAMIE:" "Oh !" "Chad's here!" "Oh, my God." "Oh, hooray." "TODD:" "Fantastic." "(JAMIE CHUCKLES)" "I..." "I guessthey didn't want to see it." "Yay, Chad !" "(LAUGHS)" "Come here." "Mom." "Oh, sweetheart." "I'm home." "Dad, how are yöu, sir?" "Yöu look great." "Thank yöu, sir." "Hey, Chad, I'm Todd." "Oh, my God." "Oh, God, I missed yöu, sis." "That's a good hug." "(CHUCKLES)" "Chad, this is my fiance, Todd." "Pleasure to meet yöu, Chadwick." "Are yöu a soldier?" "Uh, no." "Sailor?" "No." "Airman?" "No." "Girl Scout?" "No." "Well, then I'd prefer if yöu take yöur fingers away from yöur forehead and yöu shake my hand like the civilian yöu are." "Yeah, sorry, I'm stupid." "I don't know why I did that." "Honest mistake." "Come here, I want to show yöu this." "(CHUCKLING) Look, if yöu ever do anything to hurt my sister, I will take my government-issued service revolver, stick it straight up yöur fuppin' poop chute, and empty the clip." "Do yöu feel me?" "Yes, I totally feel yöu..." "Dawg." "(CHUCKLES)" "Randy Jackson, right?" "I've got 10 ways to kill yöu with my bare hands right now." "(CHUCKLES) Don't." "(CHUCKLES)" "Don't." "Hi, sweetheart, how are yöu?" "Can I see Randall Morgan possibly?" "Yeah, yöu're gonna need an appointment." "I knew yöu were gonna say that." "Uh, but yöu know what?" "Tell him Donny Berger's out here." "He'll be pretty psyched to see an old friend." "Yöu know what?" "Mr. Morgan's on vacation right now." "I'm sorry." "He's on vacation?" "That son of a..." "Oh, hey!" "Vanilla Ice." "Randall's just getting makeup." "Go ahead to the green room." "Vanilla, what's up, guy?" "It's been a long time." "Uh, how yöu been?" "Are yöu seriously giving me the silent treatment still?" "Yöu know that hurts me." "Yeah?" "Well, that's why I'm giving it to yöu." "How's it feel, chump?" "It's breaking my heart." "We were friends for 20 years, guy." "We were friends until yöu banged my mother!" "I didn't know it was her, I swear to God !" "It's not like her last name is Ice." "Yöu should've known by the haircut!" "Aw, come on, Vanilla Bean Latte." "Will yöu just..." "What?" "I'm just saying, I'm in big trouble, guy." "This, like, monetary thing." "I, uh..." "I 'mgoingto  prison if I don't get 43 large, so..." "What, do yöu think I got that kind of money?" "Of course yöu got that kind of money." "Royalties from Ice Ice Baby, yöu must be fucking loaded !" "Man, listen, Queen took 50%." "Suge took the other 60%." "I fucking owe money when that shit gets played, man !" "Dude, come on, will yöu please stop, collaborate and listen?" "Oh, here..." "What?" "No, I love that song." "Yöu know that shit." "I was on top of that, fucking day one." "Listen, man." "I work at a ice rink now." "I deep-fry chicken nuggets, man." "I'll get yöu a deal on a barbecue sauce packet." "Fucking A, buddy." "Both of us." "This sucks." "Broke." "Who'd have thought this would happen to us?" "Maybe I should call yöur mother." "She'll give me the money, I know that." "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "(PEOPLE GASP)" "(GROANING)" "Hey, dude." "Didn't spill my beer, fucker." "(LAUGHS) Fuck yöu." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Nobody comes in here and starts busting up my joint unless I got cameras rolling." "Look, Donny, nobody remembers what Tiger Woods did, let alone something that happened 25 years ago." "Oh, I'm telling yöu, when I walk down the street, people are like, "There's that guy!"" "I'm still fucking big, dude." "All right, how about this?" "I'm doing a show on '80s train wrecks." "Maybe I slip yöu in after that Milli Vanilli guy, all right?" "Who, Fab?" "He's a fucking buddy of mine." "Yeah." "That would be huge, dude." "How much money?" "Um..." "Maybe400bucks." "400 bucks?" "Dude, I need 43 G-birds." "What are we talking about right now?" "RANDALL: (LAUGHING) Yöu need $43,000?" "Are yöu back on drugs?" "Yeah." "It's never..." "This is never going to happen." "Never." "Little bit more blush if yöu can." "Just like yöu did that, uh, John Wayne Bobbitt in his penis reunion show." "That's actually a good idea, a reunion." "Me and Miss McGarricle, together again, live from a women's prison." "A women's prison." "Very sexy." "Mmm..hmm." "We could shoot it this weekend." "Yöu could give me the money." "Very sexy." "Yöu know, yöu could eat that ass after I leave the room, but I need an answer right now." "What do yöu think?" "What about yöur kid?" "My kid?" "What about my kid?" "He..." "He'sgottobe a walking Gong Show." "No." "What are yöu talking about?" "He's doing great." "He's, like, a hot shit now." "He's getting married down at the Cape this weekend." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." ""Horny teacher baby makes good."" "(SNIFFS)" "Smell that?" "Smell it, Donny?" "What?" "That's not me." "She probably cut the cheese." "No, no, no." "No, ratings." "(SNIFFS) I smell ratings." "My kid is very publicity-shy, so I..." "Yöu know, to be honest," "I don't think he'd do a piece of shit show like this." "All right, here's the deal." "Yöu get yöurself and yöur actual kid up to the women's prison this weekend, I will shoot it," "I will give yöu 50 grand in cash." "'Cause I'm going to guess, Donny, yöu want to be visiting a prison, not living in one." "So, Todd, how does one get into the hedgehog business anyway?" "Oh, it's actually hedge funds." "Yöu think yöu're better than me?" "No." "JAMIE:" "Chad, did yöu know that Todd is really great with numbers?" "Yöu got to see this." "Oh, Jamie, no." "Don't make..." "What's 452 times 77?" "Beep boop beep." "84,304." "(BOTH CHUCKLING)" "Oh, he could just be making that up." "No, he's not!" "Ooh." "There's a calculator on my cell phone." "Okay." "What is 94..." "times 312, Todd?" "Beep boop boop boop beep." "29,328, Helen." "Freaky." "I don't know." "It's just something I can do." "Are yöu sure yöu're not a Chinaman?" "TODD:" "Oh, that's inappropriate." "White whore." "(CHUCKLES)" "(DOORBELL RINGING) JAMIE:" "Oh, I'll get it." "Oh, my God." "Yöu must be Jamie." "Yöu're, like, even hotter than yöu looked in the paper." "(LAUGHS) Look at yöur hair blowing in the wind like Tawny Kitaen when she was fucking dry-humping that car." "Okay." "And yöu must be..." "Donny." "What's the matter?" "Chubby never even mentioned me?" "Chubby?" "Oh, I mean..." "(MOCKING) Todd Peterson." "Why do yöu say it like that?" "It just comes out that way." "Where are my manners, right?" "Could yöu hold that?" "Take a chug if yöu'd like." "I got yöu a fucking great gift." "Here it is." "I'll take the brew back." "Just, yöu got to read it, though." "It's fucking..." "Yeah !" "(LAUGHS) I don't know where they come up with this shit, but it's pretty fucking funny." "Spencer's Gifts never fucking fails me." "I want to meet Mr. Spencer one day and say," ""Thanks, motherfucker, for all the laughs."" "Hey, I also made yöu a mix tape." "Who the fuck is rich in this house?" "Jeezum, it's huge." "Uh, Todd, yöur old man is here?" "Wassup!" "Oh !" "(GASPS)" "Helen, oh, my gosh." "I'm so sorry." "No, it's..." "Uh, let me just get that for yöu." "Uh, uh, that's, uh..." "What?" "No." "Oh, sorry, those are yöurs." "I..." "Donny, what..." "what the fuck, man?" "Sorry." "Uh, what..." "what are yöu doing here?" "What do yöu mean?" "I thought yöu said yöur parents were dead." "Um, no, they are..." "super dead." "He's hilarious." "(LAUGHS) My old man." "My old man... friend." "From..." "Wassup!" "Right?" "Well, aren't yöu going to introduce us?" "No." "Yes." "Yes." "Here we go." "Uh, this is, uh, my future father-in-law, Gerald, and his lovely wife, Helen." "And Jamie's brother, Chad." "Hey..o!" "Do not..." "That's..." "(LAUGHTER)" "What?" "I like the look of this." "Who's this?" "Okay." "This is my boss Steve's mother, Delores, who's awake now." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's where yöu get all the looks from, huh, sweetie?" "Yeah, no, we're not related." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, she wishes, 'cause yöu got the fucking..." "yöu're stacked pretty good." "Mmm." "Anyhow, Jame, this is my old friend, Donny." "Yöur best friend." "I'm his best friend." "Mmm." "Yöur best friend." "Uh, yeah, no." "Remember I told yöu we met, uh..." "Where'd we meet?" "Um, we met..." "Where?" "Come on." "Uh, it's coming to me." "I saved his life." "Oh." "Well, more metaphorically." "No, no, no, no, no." "Here's what happened." "It was, like, one of them, uh, train track kind of deals." "My man over here, I see him, he drops his burrito on the tracks." "I'm like, "All right, that happens."" "Next thing yöu know, homeboy leaps down there, and he tries to retrieve the burrito." "Okay?" "I see a train whizzing at him." "I'm like, "This guy's about to die, and he don't know it."" "I fucking leap down there myself, right, and I give him a little shove on the heinie." ""Get out of the way, buddy!"" "Next thing yöu know, I realize this thing's going to hit me." "I fucking remember, though," "I had a kung fu instructor who taught me how to tighten the diaphragm, and I bring it in there." "And I feel the train go by." "My eyes are closed." "Rips my shirt off my body, okay?" "I open my eyes." "I see all these chicks just kind of looking at me, going, "What is that?" ""That's the fucking most chiseled guy I've ever seen."" "I worked out at the time." "Anyways, the place goes bananas for me," "I sign a couple of titties, and I started hanging out with this guy ever since." "Best friends, right?" "Here yöu go, my boy." "I just can't believe I've never heard that story before." "Why wouldn't yöu just get another burrito, Todd?" "Uh, wouldn't it be dirty?" "Great questions." "Uh, it's one of the many things about this story that's pretty hard to believe." "So, uh, where are yöu staying, Donny?" "Oh, he's not staying." "No." "I can't stay." "Yeah, no, he's right." "Oh, pshaw." "I mean, invite him to stay here." "Yöu have to stay." "He's yöur best friend." "Yöu're his best friend." "Sheesh, I'm not messing with her." "I mean, yöu are my best friend, guy." "And, Jamie, yöu can be my breast friend." "(LAUGHTER) Oh." "Breast, with an "R." With an "R."" "Oh !" "Ooh !" "By the way, dude, yöu look fantastic." "Yöu lost all the weight, homeboy." "I miss the titties." "Yöu saved my life?" "Seriously?" "What?" "They ate that up." "Yöu came up with a whole lot of nothing." "That's a nice suitcase, by the way." "What is that, Louis Vuitton?" "This is a Hefty bag." "What the fuck are yöu talking about?" "What do yöu want, Donny?" "Money?" "Yöu heard I was doing well, so yöu came looking for a handout?" "I don't want none of yöur money." "How is that?" "Okay?" "I get it." "Yöu don't like me." "I exploded." "I wish yöu had exploded." "That way, I wouldn't have to see yöur stupid face anymore!" "Did yöu happen to notice" "I created a whole fake life just so I could get away from yöu?" "Yöur mother's sick, by the way." "(SIGHS)" "I don't believe yöu." "They don't know how long she's got." "What is that, nunchuks?" "I told her yöu would visit her up at the prison." "I'm kind of thinking yöu're the kind of guy who would pull through for Mumsie." "Know what I'm saying?" "She'd do the same for yöu." "Really?" "Yeah." "Saturday's the last visiting day before the big surgery, so..." "So let me get this straight." "Yöu want me to go visit my "sick mom"" "that I haven't talked to in years, in prison, the day before my wedding." "Correct." "Not happening, asshole." "What the fuck did I do to yöu to make yöu hate me so much?" "I am fucking baffled right now." "Well, maybe yöu don't remember, but yöu were basically the worst parent ever." "Me?" "I did everything for yöu, buddy, and I never gave yöu an ounce of shit about nothing." "Yöu never gave me nothing." "I gave yöu a snake." "Yeah, and then it died after it ate all yöur Quaaludes." "That was the only time anybody's ever seen a king cobra laugh." "And I take pride in that, so fuck yöu." "Yeah, great." "Yöu know what?" "I basically had to raise myself, Donny." "I never learned how to swim." "I don't even know how to ride a bike." "Yöu know how fucking humiliating that is?" "What about Mr. Mitty?" "Remember him?" "What?" "No." "What's that?" "Mr. Mitty." "I used to put an oven mitt on my hand." "He would cheer yöu up all the time when yöu were sad." ""Don't be upset, yöung man." ""I'm yöur best friend." ""Even though I'm an oven mitt."" "No, I don't remember that, okay?" "Yöu know what I do remember?" "Yöu making me drive yöu home from the beach 'cause yöu got too drunk." "It makes sense to me." "When somebody's hammered, they have another guy drive home." "I was eight!" "Well, yöu looked 14 'cause yöu were such a huge fat fuck." "I'm sorry." "Oh, yöu are such an asshole." "Dude, yöu're a millionaire now, and yöu're marrying that hot chick." "I must have done a pretty decent job as a dad, don't yöu think?" "Oh, yeah?" "Yöu want to check in on yöur pretty decent job?" "DONNY:" "Oh, my God." "Yöu're a junkie?" "Who's yöur supplier?" "'Cause I'll smack that motherfucker around." "It's insulin, yöu dick." "I'm a diabetic 'cause yöu let me eat cake and lollipops for breakfast every day." "But that's what yöu fucking asked for." "Yeah, yöu're supposed to say no." "Yöu know, I weighed 400 pounds by the time I was 12." "Yöu know how hard it was to take that weight off?" "All right, all right." "I..." "I didn'tknow what I was doing." "I had no one helping me." "Grandpa was a psycho." "Yöu know that." "Han Solo, don't be like this." "I'm a good person." "Okay, don't call me that, all right?" "My name's Todd now." "Call yöurself Han Solo." "Yöu're dressed like him." "Good one." "I'm just saying, buddy, give me a chance." "Do yöu have any Axe body spray?" "No, Donny, I don't have any Axe body spray." "Because I'm not a fucking douche bag." "That's a douche bag thing?" "When did that become a douche bag thing?" "(KNOCK AT DOOR) JAMIE:" "Todd, the guests are arriving." "Let's go!" "All right, can yöu lighten up a little bit?" "We got a party to attend." "Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Good person, how about yöu put on a tie, okay?" "It's a cocktail party, not a Quiznos opening." "What?" "I haven't worn a tie since my mother's funeral when I was three." "I'm not going to start that up again." "That's great." "Put on a tie." "No." "Put on a tie!" "I'll never sell out." "I'll give yöu 100 bucks." "Where's the tie?" "(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) Look at this." "Jamie is going to have it all." "(SIGHS)" "TODD:" "Oh, by the way, Mr. Spirou," "I read the OPEC report, and I was thinking, if we hedge our position on oil, we could really, um..." "(TODD SIGHS)" "Uh, if we were to short the euro, we could..." "Oh, come on, Todd." "This is yöur wedding weekend." "Yöu are marrying a real workaholic." "Yöu do know that." "Yeah, but isn't that what yöu want in a partner?" "Oh, she's good, this one." "(LAUGHING) Oh, she's good." "All right, all right." "Uh, I haven't made that decision yet, but I love this kid." "Yöu lost yöur dad in that explosion, and..." "and I lost my son." "I thought yöur son was a ski instructor in Vail." "He's a pot-smoking bum !" "Not like yöu, Todd." "Oh, no." "Yöu're the type of boy a father can be proud of." "Yeah, we'll never know, will we?" "Who's that?" "Oh, I'm not here." "That's, uh, Donny." "Donny, come on." "Say hi to everyone." "Oh, God, hang on." "Let me swing these free." "Glad all the children saw that." "JAMIE:" "Uh, Donny, this is Steve Spirou, Todd's boss." "Wassup!" "Is that back?" "Because I've been dying for that to come back." "Wassup!" "Yeah !" "That's my boy!" "Look at him !" "He ain't a tight-ass." "Wassup!" "(LAUGHING)" "Wassup!" "Wassup!" "Wassup!" "(LAUGHING)" "What's up?" "Boo!" "That was terrible, Todd." "So, I see the..." "the train coming, and something kind of like takes over me, yöu know?" "Here yöu go, Abigail." "Thank yöu." "And so, I decide to jump off the platform, right?" "Snaps my legs in two." "(LADIES GASPING)" "What did I expect?" "It was a 25-foot drop, yöu know?" "25 feet?" "So I grab Burrito Bandito over here, and I just roll him out of the way." "The train missed our skulls by inches." "Why would yöu do something like that, Todd?" "Yöu know, I really don't know, Steve." "I mean, why wouldn't yöu just buy another burrito?" "Yeah, no, I know." "I, uh..." "I don't know what I could have been thinking." "Maybe he was high on the hashish." "(LAUGHTER) (SIGHS)" "Hey, how about I get yöu another beer, huh, Donny Boy?" "20's my limit." "No!" "No, no." "But, uh, Donny Boy has got to go to bed, though, right?" "ALL:" "Aw." "Yeah, oh, fiddlesnatch." "It's the afternoon." "Remember yöu told me yöu wanted to get to bed early?" "Oh, okay." "Yeah, no, no, no." "Todd's right." "MAN:" "Oh, my God." "Yöu're right, it is him." "Yöu're Donny Berger." "It's him." "Do yöu remember that kid who got his teacher pregnant in Somerville?" "Wait a minute, that is yöu." "Donny Berger." "Didn't yöu and yöur teacher have a kid?" "Wait a minute." "What was his name?" "Indiana Jones, huh?" "It was something fantastic like that." "Yeah, Han Solo Berger." "Yeah, Han Solo, Han Solo." "What ever happened to him?" "Uh, what happened to him?" "He, uh, actually became a dick." "A private eye, I mean." "Ah." "One of the biggest and hairiest dicks in the world." "Okay." "Hey, look, this might seem weird, but do yöu think yöu would ever..." "Bone yöur wife?" "Yeah, I mean, I'd love to." "She's a hot little number." "Well, yöu know, I was just going to ask yöu for an autograph, but..." "Oh." "Oh, I'm sorry." "On her tits or..." "Or a piece of paper would be fine." "Yeah, or a photo." "Okay, well, this has been fun." "But, Donny..." "Uh, not to toot my own horn, but I got kind of close once." "Uh, Mrs. Weiss, freshman geometry." "And I think she would have done it, too." "I just..." "I just didn't know how to make the move." "Yöu know what?" "I would have killed to bang my eighth grade biology teacher, Mrs. Cohn." "I used to dream of..." "of dissecting her with my penis." "(LAUGHING) It's so weird what goes on upstairs when yöu hit puberty." "I actually stole my middle school librarian's glasses to wear while I masturbated." "(ALL GASPING)" "What is that about?" "In my day, when I got into trouble, the headmaster would slap yöur hand with his dick." "She wins." "Yöu know, Todd was working at the cubicle next to mine one year, 12 weeks and one day ago when he met a pretty girl at the gym named Jamie." "How many days is that, Todd?" "Computing, Steve." "Beep boop beep boop beep." "451 ." "Ooh." "(PEOPLE GASPING)" "It's actually 450." "Oh, battle of the brainiacs!" "Yeah, this guy forgot about leap year, I guess." "(LAUGHTER)" "WOMAN:" "He's smarter than Todd !" "Okay, we're talking a lot about numbers, but let's get back to love." "What's the matter, hot stuff?" "Where do yöu think yöu get it from?" "Yöur mother was a math teacher, and I was pretty much a whiz kid myself." "The ability to make a bong out of a Taco Bell cup doesn't make yöu a whiz kid, Donny." "Leap year, motherfucker." "I think it's kind of a magical moment." "Yöu know, Todd's oldest friend, Donny, miraculously appearing like this." "What?" "So I am graciously going to step aside and allow Donny to take over as the best man." "Give it up for Donny!" "Oh, no, no, no." "(MUSIC PLAYS)" "Phil, yöu don't have to do that." "No music." "No, no, no, no." "Kill the music." "Phil, Phil, yöu..." "that's so nice of yöu, but yöu don't have to do that." "Oh, I don't mind." "Yöu two are very close." "We are." "We are very close, but yöu and I are close, too." "Well, we work together, but I wouldn't call us close." "I mean, I was actually kind of surprised when yöu asked me to be yöur best man." "Made me feel a little sorry for yöu." "(LAUGHTER) That's true." "He had no idea who he was." "Ah, no..." "I accept." "I do." "I love it." "It's an honor." "MAN:" "Way to go, Donny!" "DONNY:" "Are yöu kidding me?" "Yöu got Fenway Park in yöur backyard?" "Oh, I had that built when my son started Little League." "He never used it." "The little douche bag just sat in his room listening to reggae." "Well, let's lose these ties and hit some dingers." "What do yöu say?" "Come on !" "(EXCITED CHATTER)" "No, no, no." "Please, don't let this be happening." "Don't let this be happening, please." "(PANTING)" "No sports." "All right, guys, let's see what we got out there." "Please don't hit it to me." "Please don't hit it to me." "Please don't hit it to me." "(CHEERING) DONNY:" "Get under it, kid." "WOMAN:" "Yeah !" "Oh." "Moron." "Here we go!" "Taking down two there!" "All right, Gerald, kid !" "Here we go, guy!" "Stay on it!" "Oh, my God !" "Grandma, what's up, honey?" "Are yöu awake, sweetheart?" "Here we go." "Get under it!" "Get dirty!" "What the fuck?" "Got it." "Nice catch, Mama!" "Let's let Todd-o get this one, huh?" "Oh, no, that's okay." "Todd, come on !" "No, no." "Uh, hit one to that two-year-old." "He hasn't gotten one yet." "Here yöu go, big man." "What?" "Quit showing off for the girls, buddy." "They're mine." "(DONNY LAUGHING)" "Come on, now." "Yöu got it." "Yöu got it." "ALL:" "Oh !" "(LAUGHING)" "Okay, Todd, yöu all set, buddy?" "Don't hit it to me." "Coming to yöu, homie." "(GROANS)" "ALL:" "Oh !" "(THUDDING)" "Holy shit." "(WHEEZING)" "Oh, my God." "Are yöu all right, guy?" "(GROANING)" "Come on." "Yöu're fine." "Throw it in there, guy." "I think the ball's broken." "Throw it in, Todd." "Todd, throw the ball." "Come on, Todd !" "Throw it, yöu big vagina." "Do it." "DONNY:" "Todd, we want to keep playing, buddy." "We need a ball, kid." "PHIL:" "Just throw it." "JAMIE:" "Such a pussy." "WOMAN:" "Oh !" "DONNY:" "Oh !" "On a rope!" "Holy fuck!" "ANNOUNCER ON TV:" "We now return to" "The Donny Berger Story, starring lan Ziering." "DONNY: (ON PHONE) Yo!" "Donny." "I'm in a Jacuzzi." "Hang on one sec." "GIRLS:" "Yeah." "Fucking..." "Here." "Who'll take the cigar?" "Oh, no." "Donny." "Keep that lit for me." "Take my fucking shades." "Wear them if yöu want." "Yeah !" "All right." "So, hang on." "GIRL 1 :" "I want to wear them." "I'll be back." "GIRL 2:" "Oh." "(GIRLS GASPING)" "(GIRLS GIGGLING)" "DONNY:" "All right." "My goodness!" "Yeah, what's going on?" "Guess what's on TV?" "Hey, there, little buddy." "I'm Mr. Mitty." "I will always love yöu." "What is that, The Donny Berger Story?" "CHAMPALE:" "hell, yeah." "Don't yöu get money every time that shit is shown?" "This could be yöur "get out of jail free" card." "Last check I got for that was 85 cents." "Is Han Solo gonna do the show at the women's prison with yöu?" "Yöu know, I haven't discussed any particulars with him yet." "I am actually just trying to be a dad right now." "Yöu're gonna go to prison on Tuesday." "Yöu have got to get that money somehow." "Kenny, what the fuck?" "I thought this was a bathroom !" "Fuck yöu !" "Honk!" "Oh, nobody squeezes my titty for free, honey!" "Okay, good luck with that." "JAMIE:" "God, yöu're such an idiot!" "Todd, yöu already messed up my flowers!" "TODD:" "I'm sorry." "Just get the cake!" "No walnuts!" "No fucking excuses!" "I love yöu !" "Do yöu love me?" "(JAMIE GROANS)" "What?" "(SHOWER RUNNING) (KNOCK ON DOOR)" ""Yöu screwed up my cake!" "(CHUCKLES) TODD:" "What?" "It's me, it's me." "Can I come in?" "Yeah, sure." "What's up, buddy?" "What was she yelling at?" "What'd yöu do wrong?" "(LAUGHS)" "Oh, she's just stressed out 'cause of the wedding." "Oh, really?" "Yöu sure she's not stressed out about maybe sex or something?" "Have yöu, have yöu been going down on her?" "What?" "No, I'm just saying, a lot of times girls I've met over the years, when they've been ragging on me and yelling at me and shit, if I kiss their pussies they kind of go," ""Ah, yöu're right, yöu're a good guy."" "Yeah, that's personal, Donny." "Yeah, no, no." "Yöu know her better than me, fine." "Mmm." "So, uh..." "Yöu wear a bathing suit in the shower?" "Yöu know that's fucking nuts, right?" "Are yöu serious?" "I can't even take my shirt off in front of other people because of yöu." "Because of me." "What did I do this time?" "Oh, let me jog yöur memory." "(LAUGHING LOUDLY)" "The New Kids on the Block!" "Holy shit!" "Their heads are all warped now!" "Oh, my God !" "Yeah, it's 'cause I got it when I was in third grade." "My body grew." "I'm sorry." "It's fine, it's fine." "Let me see it again." "(LAUGHS)" "♫ Whoa..oh..oh..oh..oh ♪" "♫ Yöu got a back tattoo ♪" "♫ Whoa..oh..oh..oh..oh ♪" "♫ Their heads are fucking warped ♪" "Yöu suck." "Come on, dude." "Why yöu getting so serious?" "I still got the tattoo I got when I was, when I was a teenager, and I'm fine with it, yöu know." ""De plane!" ""De plane!" "De plane!"" "Yeah, I remember it." "I still don't know who that is." "It's fucking..." ""De plane, de plane" guy from Fantasy Island." "Tattoo." "I got a tattoo of Tattoo." "I thought that was funny." "Well, it's not." "Lighten up, dude." "Come on." ""De plane!" Don't." "Donny, don't." "I'm serious." ""De plane!"" "No." "Yöu're still ticklish." "No, I'm not ticklish !" "(LAUGHS)" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Come on, now!" "Oh, the tickle monster." "Oh, I tickle yöu like that." "No." "Stop!" "No, stop it!" "Watch yöurself." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Stop it!" "Stop it, no!" "Give me that, Hansie." "Why is yöur dick in my face?" "And why is it kind of hard?" "What are yöu two homos doing?" "Just rasslin'." "All right." "'Cause yöu're looking at an all-state fucking wrestling champion, and I got the winner." "Okay." "Well, he won." "No, I didn't." "Yeah, yöu did." "Yöu won." "What?" "No, I didn't." "Yöu're gonna love it, buddy." "Wrestle him." "Yeah, Chad." "No, no." "It's actually a funny story." "We were having a tickle fight." "We weren't wrestling at all." "I was losing, admittedly." "DONNY:" "Aw, God, I got to start doing some crunches or something." "Look at this." "(BREATHES DEEPLY)" "Oh, yöu don't like him?" "Oh, we don't like yöu." "(CHUCKLES) He's talking to his dick, buddy." "(GRUNTS)" "Now he's hitting it." "(GRUNTS) No!" "Why?" "(CHUCKLES) Oh !" "Yöu got to puff that fucker up!" "Oh, what?" "No." "Yöu don't have to puff that fucker up." "Let's do this." "Chad, I'm sure yöu're very athletic..." "Okay!" "Okay!" "I tap out." "Yöu win, yöu win." "I tap out." "Do yöu like fucking my sister, Todd?" "I mean, do yöu like sticking yöur dirty booger fingers in her?" "(BACK CRACKS)" "Whoa, what was that?" "Let's all just keep our heads, okay?" "We've all been drinking a lot tonight." "I'm gonna skull-fuck yöu..." "(BOTTLE CLANKS)" "And that is the end of that." "(CHUCKLES)" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "What, yöu're mad at me?" "How am I the fucking bad guy right now?" "Oh, yöu're gonna fucking give me shit with that tattoo on yöur back?" "(LAUGHS) Look at that stupid fucking thing." "Good buddy, he'll be fine." "Yeah, so we got Chad all tucked in, safe and sound." "JAMIE:" "I never heard of him passing out drunk before." "Yeah, it was crazy." "It was like, one second, he was with us, totally awake." "Next thing yöu know, he's face down, birds a-chirpin'." "What do yöu think?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Yöu look amazing." "Oh, wait!" "Isn't it bad luck for me to see the dress before the wedding, though?" "This is a $12,000 Vera Wang dress." "I'm gonna wear it whenever I want." "Yöu'd look hot in a $12 Wang Chung dress." "That sounds like a line Donny would say." "Yeah, except he'd say," ""Yöu'd look friggin' hot in a Wang Dang Sweet Poontang dress."" "Just think he's, like, trailer park-y or something, yöu know?" "Yeah." "That's probably why his son ran off." "His what?" "What?" "Who?" "His son about..." "What'd he say?" "What did yöu hear?" "Did he say something?" "Just look at the first page of that book he's been handing out to everyone." "He has?" "What?" "No." "Head in the Class?" "He said, it's like Head of the Class, only with blow jobs." "It's gross." "Yeah, it's gross." "Blow jobs are gross." "We don't do those." ""Dear Jamie, I know yöu'll make Todd very happy" ""if yöu bleach yöur little brown eye."" "Oh, no, not this part." "Wow, that's sad." "(SIGHS)" "That weirdly got me." "(CHUCKLES)" "I don't know why it got me, but it just got me." "(SIGHS)" "Can I get a hug right now, or..." "No, no, no, no!" "We can't wrinkle the dress." "Hey, if yöu don't want to wrinkle the dress, may I suggest we just remove it?" "Did yöu take two Xanax?" "I actually took three Xanax." "And yöu know that the Xanax makes me" "♫ "H" to the "O" to the "R" To the "N" to the "Y" ♪" "♫ So horny for my fiancee ♪ No!" "Down." "I don't want to have sex with my family in the house." "No, I know." "I don't want to have sex with yöur family, either." "In the house." "Came out weird." "Possibly my last night of spanking the hell out of it without having a roommate watching me, so..." "What do we got to work with here?" "Rich people magazines." "Eh, let's see what we got." "If I hadn't partied with her husband so many times, I would." "But it's disrespectful to him." "I don't know." "Hello." "Jeezum crow, yöu really were a model, weren't yöu, Grandma?" "Yeah, old Mr. Woolworth really, really knew how to pick them, didn't he?" "I love that old-time bathing suit." "I could take yöu to the speakeasy, and we could, we could do the naked Charleston." "I have to ship out in the morning to fight the Nazis, so yöu better give me something to remember." "(CHUCKLES)" "What's that?" "Oh, my God." "Old lady Grandma wants to get in on the action, too." "Should we let her?" "I think we should." "(CHUCKLES)" "Oh, my God." "(MOANS)" "Why do I like her better right now?" "Oh, yöu bad..." "(GROANS) What have yöu done to me?" "What have yöu done to me?" "(LAUGHS)" "We got to go for round two, but give me a little bit of time." "Give me a little bit of time." "Oh, lovely." "Just lovely." "Oh, goodness." "Oh, my word." "TODD:" "Best man, wedding rehearsal in an hour." "There's so many tissues." "Oh..." "Oh, oh !" "Oh, God." "Yöu know, don't touch those, okay?" "Let's..." "(GROANS) Okay." "I'm gonna just clean that up." "Yeah, Donny's sick." "Yöu don't want to touch these 'cause yöu'll get sick." "He's got post-nasal drip, so..." "(GRUNTING)" "(SOBBING)" "(RETCHES)" "The tissue's stuck to my picture." "Here, let me." "Yuck!" "(GROANS)" "I'll grab that from yöu." "I got it." "Oh, look at that!" "There's a little tissue beard there." "No, don't touch it, please." "Don't worry about it." "Oh, that poor dear." "I'll just get him some nice, fresh juice." "Mmm..hmm." "Juice." "That's a great idea." "Thank yöu, Grandma D. Thanks." "Yöu know, hon, if he's really under the weather, maybe it's best if he doesn't masturbate so much." "That's good advice." "I'll tell him that, thank yöu." "Okay, yöu can stop pretending to sleep, Sir Jizz-a-lot." "The old broad knew I was whacking to her the whole time, didn't she?" "(LAUGHS)" "That's so funny." "But yöur improvs were awesome." ""Post-nasal dick," or whatever yöu said." "Yöu know, I can't believe yöur balls produce that much stuff." "Dude, at least I got balls." "What's that supposed to mean?" "(LAUGHS)" "Let me just crack open some happiness first, yeah." "All I'm saying is the Chad thing, when that dude came at yöu last night, yöu kind of, like, looked like a deer in headlights." "(WATER RUNNING) Yöur whole aura is actually that of a pussy." "Or a kiss-ass." "It is not." "It is, too." "What the fuck am I doing?" "No, I'm just saying yöu got to stand up for yöurself I'll have yöu know, she bangs me all the time." "All right?" "She bangs." "Does she live the la vida loca, too, or..." "Very funny." "(WOMEN SQUEALING)" "Well, good day, everyone." "GERALD:" "Father." "Father McNally, thank yöu so much for coming out to the Cape." "My honor." "Very cool." "Oh, yes." "Chad." "Yöu'll excuse me, won't yöu?" "While yöu're in this church, yöu'll show the proper respect." "No e-mailing, no texting, no Facebooking, no Skyping and no Angry Birds." "(CHUCKLES) Oh, that one hurts." "(LAUGHTER) No, no." "I get it." "It's the 2010s." "Everyone's having sex and drinking lattes." "No, Father." "(CHUCKLES)" "But, yöu see, this is my world." "We'll abide by my rules while we're here." "Maybe we should start with the, uh, the father of the groom." "Oh, uh, uh..." "his father passed away." "He died in an explosion." "Sounds fishy, but..." "it really happened." "Yep." "I'm..." "I 'mtrulysorry to hear that, son." "Oh, thank yöu, but, uh, it's fine." "He deserved it." "So..." "What is that supposed to mean?" "Oh, I didn't mean anything by it." "He just, yöu know, wasn't a great dad." "So yöur father, he..." "he abused yöu, did he?" "Oh, no, nothing like that." "Was he a murderer?" "Rapist?" "No." "Father, I'm sorry, I..." "My father beat me every day with a rake." "But yöu don't hear me smack-talking him like some baby little princess." "Not here in the house of the Lord." "Yöu know, I can't hear a word yöu're saying." "All I can focus on is yöur shit breath." "I'd, um, I'd like to show yöu the garden for a minute." "(CHUCKLING) Oh..." "Now, then." "Okay, yöu know what?" "Let's just..." "(PEOPLE GASP)" "(LAUGHS)" "(PEOPLE MURMURING)" "Fucking old guy's got a cannon on him." "What happened?" "DONNY:" "What happened is I think he's having a mini-meltdown." "Yeah, he's taking his shirt off now." "Oh, my God." "And, he's pretty ripped for an old fuck, so we're in trouble right now." "What is going on here?" "All right, all right." "Go time, go time." "PHIL:" "Oh, no, think about what yöu're doing !" "Be careful." "(SCREAMS) He bit me!" "Did yöu see that?" "That was amazing !" "This could get ugly." "The Father actually killed a guy in the ring." "That's why he became a priest." "Oh." "Just keep yöur hands up, kid !" "Get 'em down !" "Hang in there, guy!" "(GRUNTING)" "He keeps punching him !" "Aw, come on, guy." "Oh." "That's my boy!" "Why, yöu came right back with yöur own shit." "Nice, kid." "(SPEAKING IN TONGUES)" "What the fuck is that?" "Okay, he's going to a whole other place right now." "(SHOUTING IN TONGUES)" "Yöu know what?" "Maybe just run." "Get the fuck out of here." "Go, go, go, go, go." "No." "I'm not gonna run." "Finish him, Father McNally!" "Finish him !" "(HEAVY METAL PLAYING)" "♫ Here we go... ♪" "(BOTTLE CLANKS) (PEOPLE GASP)" "Geez." "He went down like a sack of potatoes, huh?" "(PEOPLE CHATTERING ANGRILY)" "What is the matter with yöu?" "Yöu know, we've known Father McNally for 30 years." "30 years!" "30 years." "30 years." "I ought to rip off yöur head !" "(CLAMORING)" "(BARKING) DONNY:" "Gerald !" "I'm sorry." "Sorry's not gonna keep yöu from burning in hell, Todd." "Hey, this is all my fault." "I shouldn't have hit the guy with the bottle." "I'm, like, a moron over here." "No, now, Donny, I will not let yöu take the blame for this." "Yöu had to do it." "Yöu saved his life again." "And yöu looked very sexy doing it." "Why was the sound of that bottle so familiar?" "Todd is such a loser." "(PEOPLE MURMURING)" "Here comes yöur girl." "Here we go." "Jame, I'm sorry, but, look, yöu got to admit, I stood up for myself back there." "Do yöu have fucking rocks in yöur head, Todd?" "No." "Well, where are we gonna get married now?" "We got kicked out of the church !" "Jame..." "What is everybody's problem?" "Yöu were awesome out there." "Yöu kicked ass." "Yöu should be proud of yöurself." "Proud of myself?" "For what?" "I got my ass kicked, and everyone's pissed off at me." "And, by the way, thanks for the fatherly advice, guy." "That's the last time I listen to yöu." "Aw... (PEOPLE CHATTERING ANGRILY)" "CHAD:" "I'm gonna choke him out!" "He's an asshole!" "I'm gonna choke him out." "I'm just gonna choke him out." "Hey, guys, guys?" "Can I just say something before we all turn on Todd?" "Churches freak the kid out, After the explosion, all that was left of his dad was, like, a kneecap and a little bit of nut sack." "(WOMEN COO SYMPATHETICALLY)" "It was supposed to be a closed casket, but there was a foul-up at the mortuary, and he actually saw a squirrel run into the coffin and, uh, kind of..." "squeak out of there with his dad's ball bag in his mouth." "Yöu know, that's gonna fuck any of us up, so..." "(GROANS) Aw..." "So yöu actually knew Todd's father?" "Of course I knew the guy." "He was, uh, he was handsome, he had fucking great hair, uh, a Jedi with the chicks." "Went down on girls for a wicked long time 'cause he was a giver and he wanted to see others be happy." "Oh, I wish I could have met him." "Sounds like a gentleman." "Was he there enough for the kid?" "No, maybe not." "But, uh, y..yöu know, he probably felt bad about it." "Yöu know, and there's nothing he can do about it now, so, uh..." "Toddsy." "Oh, Todd." "I had no idea." "(SIGHS) Poor thing." "Are yöu okay?" "Yeah, yeah." "It's fine, but sometimes I do still have nightmares." "Oh, boy." "That squirrel and its demonic eyes." "Tiny piece of skin flapping in its mouth." "One lone scraggly hair." "A pubic hair." "I mean, maybe this is a blessing, though, guys." "Do we really want Father McNutty to be the one who brings these two guys together?" "I mean, I don't think so." "I'm pretty tied into the church crowd," "Rageaholics Anonymous and whatnot." "I could find a priest for yöu." "I mean, what type are we looking for?" "Maybe a yöunger guy." "Yöunger guy." "How about a black guy?" "Oh." "Now, I like that." "It's very urban, very street." "GERALD:" "Okay." "But that still doesn't get us a church." "Well, I'll tell yöu where I would tie the knot if I was these two sexy kids." "(nothing BUT THE BEST PLAYING)" "♫ I like to eat lobster ♪" "♫ Directly from Maine ♪" "Oh, Donny, this is just such a great idea." "Thanks." "Don't yöu love the pergola?" "They're gorgeous!" "Yöu know what, maybe a little more girly shit up on the arch." "Oh, yöu know, yöu're right." "Excuse me, sir, put some more girly shit up there." "Calling all ladies!" "The bus for the bachelorette party is here!" "Come on !" "Honey, yöu guys have fun at the bachelor party!" "Okay." "Don't get too crazy." "Know yöur limits." "Okay." "We're having a bachelor party?" "That's, like, my thing, man." "Hookers, blow, balloons filled with piss." "I mean, the sky's the limit, kid." "No, no, no." "Donny, uh, w..we're all set." "I have arranged a very special evening for us tonight." "(LAUGHS) This is gonna be awesome!" "(YELLS)" "PHIL:" "I read about this place in Oprah's magazine." "I don't know if she writes the articles herself, but there's some real good stuff in it." "Uh, hi, we're for the Todd Peterson party, please." "Good evening, gentlemen." "Ah, Mrs. Ravensdale." "RAVENSDALE:" "Phil, what a blessing." "Welcome to yöur bachelor party package here at He Time Spa For Men." "Woo..hoo, motherfucker!" "Okay." "All right." "(LAUGHS)" "We're gonna set yöu up with some nice plush robes, and then we have a wonderful full evening planned with massage, facial and nail treatments, and then we're going to send yöu home with a special gift of our house-made lavender scrub." "Uh, Confucius say, "What the fuck are yöu talking about?"" "No, Donny, uh, Phil thought it would be nice before the wedding for us to all take a little time to just chill and mellow." "My wife and I have been burning it on both ends all week with the preschool applications, and I am ready to be pampered !" "(MEN CHUCKLE)" "All right, all right." "Now we're talking." "Hey, thanks, honey." "What the fuck's yöur name?" "Jessica." "All right." "Yeah." "Hey, come on." "Here's to the kid." "He's fucking getting all fucked up, ah, tonight!" "Last night!" "Fucking last night of poontang for this kid." "What the fuck is this?" "It's water infused with cucumber, rose petal and harvest sandalwood." "It tastes like fucking dick infused with balls." "And a side of fucking Rod Stewart's jizz." "Wait a minute." "What are we drinking water at a fucking bachelor party for, Phil?" "Yöu got to show my son yöur tits later." "Promise me." "Promise me." "That's... that'snice." "Yeah, good." "This is great, sweetheart." "Really good." "Nice work." "Yöu're going deep on us, huh?" "That's it." "What's this, sir?" "Oh, that's just a little, uh..." "(CHUCKLES) tip, yöu know, if yöu give me a full package." "Oh, okay." "That's a $150 additional charge." "Yöu're talking to the wrong guy." "That's a little out of my price range." "It includes scalp treatment, reflexology." "How much is it to tickle my pickle?" "To yank my crank?" "To give me a ho-jo to go?" "Sweetheart, I'm not asking for a finger up the ass." "I just want yöu to just jerk it a little bit." "Donny, this isn't a brothel." "Then I'm completely confused what the fuck we're doing here right now!" "So, what, yöu're just going to get a hand job in front of all of us?" "I don't know." "Am I?" "I guess not!" "Yöu know, I have worked very hard on this night, Don, and yöu're being just plain rude." "Phil, no!" "Phil !" "No, no." "Don't do this." "(MEN SIGHING)" "Nice." "That's nice." "Oh, that's good." "That's good." "(CHUCKLES) It tickles." "Just fight through it, man." "It's worth it." "If yöu stop, I swear I will kill yöu." "Yöu know what, if I don't see a tit in five minutes," "I'm going to strangle this motherfucker." "Yöu should be ashamed of yöurself for fucking arranging this bullshit!" "Well, I feel very relaxed, and I think this was a good use of a Groupon." "Yöu fucked us, buddy!" "Five more minutes till yöu get to choose amongst four artisanal house-blended chocolates, gentlemen." "PHIL:" "Oh..." "(LAUGHTER)" "We can't let tonight end like this, boys." "We got to go out." "I'm telling yöu, I can't let my son have a..." "my son of a gun best friend have his bachelor party be this." "Yöu fucking..." "yöu guys got yöur face covered in leprechaun shit." "We should be getting whacked off..." "all of us..." "as a fucking team !" "Donny, I think we've had enough excitement for one night." "Besides, it's not like yöu can throw together a whole other party this late." "I could have six chicks making out with each other on our laps in ten minutes." "I could stay out a little later." "Bam !" "(IN SING-SONG TONE) We gonna get our dicks sucked." "There it is." "(LAUGHTER)" "Unless, uh, Mrs. Ravensdale, yöu want to whip them knockers out?" "We'd love to see them." "All right, yöu know what?" "Yöu are an imbecilic, immature, asinine, childish, caveman-like, hairy-knuckled, single-chromosomal, obnoxious, uneducated, ignorant asshole who I would like to fuck hard and long !" "So, I'm going to go put a dent in that." "Yöu guys get that green jizz off yöur face." "I'll be back in 20." "We're going out, boys!" "Hey, this is the shit, this place..." "I'm telling yöu." "The hottest chicks, the best Denver omelets." "Yöu have to eat one." "All right." "Donny!" "Yeah, this is who I was telling yöu about!" "What's up?" "Give me that." "I'm so happy to see yöu." "Yöu look so fucking cute!" "I know, right?" "Oh, and yöu brought a military man." "What's yöur name, soldier?" "Chad Martin, private first class," "United States Marine Corps." "Yöu think yöu can keep that dick at attention for a couple hours?" "(LAUGHS) That's an order!" "Already on it." "(LAUGHS) Look at my man !" "PHIL:" "Yöu guys, let me get in here and introduce myself." "Hello." "I'm Phil." "I'm married with four children, and I have actually only seen three vaginas in my entire life:" "my wife's, my baby's and my aunt's once by accident on the back of a tandem bike." "Well, here's number four, baby!" "Oh !" "I'm going to count that as numbers four and five." "(LAUGHTER)" "(GIRLS ON THE DANCE FLOOR PLAYING)" "♫ I see yöu chillin' by the bar ♪" "DJ:" "ChampaIe would like to dedicate this to Mr. Todd Peterson." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "Yeah, baby." "Yeah." "Here yöu go." "Oh." "Oh, hey." "Do yöu want any eggs?" "Oh, no." "I really have to watch what I eat." "No fatty foods." "But thank yöu." "I'm Brie." "I'm Todd." "Nice to meet yöu." "Oh, I know who yöu are, Han Solo." "Oh." "Uh, no, yöu can't..." "Don't worry, yöur secret's safe." "(ANXIOUS LAUGH)" "♫ Hey, girl, what yöu know about these stereotypes?" "♪" "♫ Yeah, yeah ♪" "♫ I.." "I take a shot of Patrón ♪" "♫ Two shots, then it's on ♪" "♫ Three shot, four shot, five shot ♪" "♫ Oh, shit, I think I'm gone ♪" "♫ lf yöu're looking for me, I'm with the ♪" "♫ Girls on the dance floor ♪" "♫ How easy to see I'm with the ♪" "♫ Girls on the dance floor ♪" "♫ Yöu know I love it when the ♪" "♫ Girls on the dance floor ♪" "♫ That's why this one is for the ♪" "♫ Girls on the dance floor ♪" "Who did that?" "♫ And I'm good to go ♪" "♫ Got the hood feeling so remarkable ♪" "♫ When the clock hits 4:00, I'm out the door ♪" "♫ So get yöur ass on the floor ♪" "♫ Get yöur ass on the floor ♪" "♫ Oh, yöu don't hear me though?" "♪" "♫ Get yöur ass on the floor, yeah ♪" "♫ lf yöu're looking for me ♪" "♫ I'm with the ♪" "♫ Girls on the dance floor ♪" "♫ How easy to see I'm with the ♪" "♫ Girls on the dance floor ♪" "♫ Yöu know I love it when the... ♪" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "(MEN LAUGHING)" "Gerald, get in the car." "I love yöu, Donny!" "Yeah, I love yöu." "Get in there." "Man, yöu got to give me the recipe, man." "Can't buy everything, Spirou !" "Bro, but they use olive oil, not butter." "That's the big secret." "Okay, Chris, get him in there." "Be gentle, he... he's protecting our country." "All right, good night, guys!" "(LAUGHS)" "Gerald, yöu're a sick man, buddy!" "Whoa." "(GERALD LAUGHING)" "Hey, what..." "Where's everybody going?" "I sent them home, guy." "I thought, uh, we could have a little, uh, best man/groom alone time." "Oh." "But shouldn't I go with them?" "'Cause Jamie's gonna get mad at me." "Wha..." "Easy,guy." "Yöu're gonna have plenty of time for her to be mad at yöu when yöu're married." "(LAUGHS)" "I got yöu a wedding gift, and I want to give it to yöu alone, all right?" "Yöu got me a gift?" "Of course I got yöu." "And I think, uh, think yöu might dig it." "An earring." "Yeah, I know, but, uh, that's an earring that yöur mom gave me, and I thought maybe we could keep it in the family, yöu know?" "Just kind of keep it going, generation to generation, actually." "Oh." "Yeah, but I don't have a pierced ear, Donny." "Yeah." "No." "Yeah." "All right, fuck it, fuck it." "Do it, just do it." "It's not gonna hurt, buddy." "Y.." "Yöu got a nice buzz going." "Yeah, I got it, I got it." "Hang on." "(SIGHS) Oh, yeah." "L.." "Liquor it up." "Oh, fuck!" "(SQUEALS)" "Come here." "Come here." "(SCREAMING)" "Hang in there!" "Go ahead, just sit still, homie." "(SCREAMING)" "Yeah !" "(GROANS)" "How we doing?" "(GROANING)" "Oh, God." "That's it." "That's the way to man up." "That wasn't so bad." "Let me see it." "Am I bleeding?" "I don't think so." "No?" "Does it look good?" "Yöu look like yöu could be playing drums for Foreigner or some shit." "Yöu look like a bad-ass." "Really?" "Yeah." "Oh, 'cause it makes me feel kind of..." "(BREATHES DEEPLY)" "... dangerous." "(LAUGHS)" "There he is, man !" "That's yöur personality..." "like when yöu were seven years old, me and Uncle Vanny used to laugh our asses off from yöu." "Uncle Vanny, that's right." "What happened to that guy?" "Dude, yöu know what it's time for?" "To get yöu back together with the old gang." "Come on." "I just hope the guy will talk to me." "Phil !" "Come on, yöu're gonna get arrested, buddy." "(SOBBING) I shouldn't be doing this." "No, don't stop, don't stop." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "All right, look." "I came here to tell yöu I'm sorry about what happened with me and yöur mother." "It was an accident, and it will never happen again." "That's all I've been waiting for all these years, man, a simple apology." "It's water under the bridge." "Don't sweat it." "Holla." "Wait, are yöu Vanilla Ice?" "Was Uncle Vanny Vanilla Ice this whole time?" "Who did yöu think I was?" "I don't know, a friend of my dad's that wore a lot of parachute pants?" "(LAUGHTER) Oh, man." "I want to be honest with yöu, too." "I never did knock boots with yöur mother." "No?" "No." "I think she whacked me off outside the pants." "(SIGHS) No." "But I didn't finish." "Vanny, I didn't finish." "I couldn't." "Yeah?" "Oh, Mom." "Yeah." "Yöu know, she did like to fuck." "(LAUGHTER) That's fucking..." "Look at him." "Back to it." "Fuck, yeah." "Hey, Han Solo, yöu're looking great, man." "Oh, thank yöu." "Yöu lost some weight." "Is this kid all right?" "Yöu're not a little fat kid no more." "No, no, no." "Remember this one?" "No, no." "Oh, yeah, we used to do this to yöu all the time." "Remember, back in the day?" "Hey, nugget pocket." "Nugget pockets." "No, I'm not a nugget pocket." "What's up, nugget pocket?" "No." "(LAUGHS) No, but seriously, Iceberg, me and my boy got a little head start on yöu, but, uh, yöu got any desire to get wasted with us?" "Ah, more than life itself." "In fact, I might have a little head start on yöu guys." "(LAUGHS) What?" "Ah !" "(INHALES)" "Yeah." "It's so illegal." "I don't want to do that in front of my kid." "Turn around for a minute." "Just turn around." "(LAUGHS) Give me that fucking shit." "(INHALES)" "What?" "Hey, let's get out of here." "I did not do that." "Let's go have some fun." "Hey!" "Hey, where yöu think yöu're going, Mr. Vanilla Ice Cream?" "I'm going out for the night, man." "Aw, hell no, man !" "Yöu know I don't know how to fry no damn chicken nuggets!" "It's Todd Bridges." "Yeah, yeah, w..watch this." "What yöu talking 'bout, Willis?" "Yöu come back and say that to my face, yöu fake white rapping motherfucker!" "Todd, seriously, though, yöu look great." "How's Mr. Drummond doing, huh?" "(LAUGHTER)" "Mister..." "Fuck yöu !" ""Mr. Drummond." "Mister... "" "Man, I..." "What yöu want?" "Bowl of chili nuggets." "A what?" "Yöu know, that shit ain't on the menu, man !" "Shit, it is." "Damn it." "DONNY:" "Fucking skate!" "Just fucking skate!" "TODD:" "The Berger boys are here!" "DONNY:" "Come on, look out!" "Look out, now!" "What the fuck?" "(DANCE THE night AWAY PLAYING)" "♫ Have yöu seen her?" "♪" "♫ So fine and pretty ♪" "Hey!" "Give me my hat back!" "(LAUGHING)" "Do it, do it!" "Give it back!" "♫ Yes, it's love in the third degree ♪" "DONNY:" "Hey, it's a fucking lovely night, ain't it?" "Oh, my God !" "(LAUGHING)" "Yöu fucking assholes!" "(GRUNTING)" "(CLAMORING)" "♫ Ooh, baby, baby ♪" "Go, go!" "(GROANS)" "What the..." "Go!" "Go, go, go!" "What the fuck?" "Get out of here!" "(GUNSHOT) Holy shit!" "Yöu know, they seem like fun guys." "We're all gonna dive!" "Let's go!" "(LAUGHING)" "MAN:" "What are yöu doing?" "♫ She's on fire ♪" "♫ 'Cause dancing gets her higher ♪" "(LAUGHING)" "Oh, my God !" "I didn't, I didn't spill my beer!" "I fucking love it." "(CLAMORING)" "Fuck!" "Yöu fucking hard-ons!" "(TIRES SCREECH) (HORN HONKS)" "(GUNFIRE)" "(CLAMORING)" "(MEN SIGHING)" "♫ 'Cause yöu're old enough to dance ♪" "♫ Dance the night away ♪" ""Yöu fucking hard-ons."" "Whoo!" "(LAUGHS)" "♫ Oh, come on, baby ♪" "♫ Dance the night away ♪" "(MEN LAUGHING) Fucking..." "What are yöu doing?" "No, no, no, no!" "(PEOPLE SCREAMING)" "(LAUGHING)" "Yöu don't fucking do that, yöu fucking idiot!" "Yeah !" "Look at this, fuck face." "Look at this." "What the fuck?" "Come on." "(LAUGHS)" "Yöu fucking guy." "I say, take it." "I can't." "Just go, go, go, go, go." "No, wait, wait." "Wait, wait, wait." "Stop, stop, stop." "I changed my mind." "I'm scared." "I don't want to do it." "Oh, man." "I can't do it." "Yöu're rubbing yöur underwear." "What is that?" "Why are yöu doing that?" "I suppose I'm the reason." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Remember in first grade when yöu were supposed to pick me up after school, yöu left me waiting for five hours?" "I had detention myself, guy." "What the fuck was I supposed to do?" "Yeah, well, I shit in my pants." "All right." "Then I had to walk all the way home alone." "All right." "With shit in my pants." "Dude, I promise yöu, I'll never forget yöu again." "I swear to God." "Throw the fucking things away." "Don't fuck with me." "Throw them away." "(CHANTING) Throw them away." "Throw them away." "Get rid of the fucking underwear, yöu don't need that." "Yöu're better than that, guy." "Okay, fuck it." "Okay, fuck it." "Squeeze it out and fucking..." "Yeah." "(LAUGHTER)" "Yöu're a good kid." "Come on, fucking hit this thing and let's get it rocking." "All right." "All right?" "Here we go." "Come on." "Push, push." "I got yöu." "Okay." "I'm not good at it." "All right." "It's balance, it's just balance." "Yöu got this, kid." "Yöu're an athlete." "Yöu got it." "No, it's in yöu, buddy." "Straight." "I don't know how." "I got yöu." "I ain't gonna let yöu fall." "Don't let me go." "I won't let yöu fall." "Don't let go." "All right, I'm still with yöu." "Okay." "I'm still with yöu." "Let's pick up some speed, though." "I'm with yöu, guy." "I'm with yöu." "I'm with yöu." "I'm not letting go." "Don't let me go." "I'm not letting go." "I'm with yöu, my boy." "Wait..." "I'm with yöu, my boy!" "Yeah, that's all yöu !" "I'm doing it!" "Yeah !" "Yeah, yeah, baby!" "I'm doing it!" "Oh !" "Oh, my God !" "Oh !" "Oh !" "Are yöu..." "(COUGHS)" "Kid, are yöu..." "Are yöu all right, buddy?" "Sorry." "Dude, I'm trying to make love to my wife!" "Oh !" "What the fuck?" "TODD:" "No!" "Fucking naked people." "I'm gonna fucking kill yöu !" "TODD:" "Oh, my God, they're chasing me!" "What the fuck?" "Get off him !" "Go!" "Oh, my God !" "Look out!" "Go!" "(SCREAMING)" "DONNY:" "Keep going, guy!" "Donny!" "(SCREAMING) (LAUGHING)" "Yeah !" "Yöu're the best." "Yöu are, Jay." "TODD:" "Good luck!" "I like yöur fucking hairdo!" "Good luck with the taxi business!" "Love that guy." "Classic." "Classic." "(LAUGHS) Classic." "It's a classic night." "No way!" "Party's not over!" "Come on !" "(BOTH LAUGH)" "Dude, Uncle Vanny's fucked up." "I love yöu, Son." "I do." "I've always loved yöu, all right?" "Sorry to spring that on yöu like that." "It's all right." "It's cool, Donny." "That's nice, thank yöu." "Hansie, Hansie." "Why don't yöu not call me Donny when no one's around." "Yöu can call me Dad." "Uh, yeah, I know, I know." "It's..." "I don't know if I'm ready for that, Donny." "Yöu know?" "Yeah, yeah." "No prob." "Sorry." "Sorry if yöu fucking don't like me." "I probably would've fucked my teacher, too." "(BOTH CHUCKLE)" "Yeah." "But, uh..." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "(SIGHS)" "Eh, so, what time are we gonna go to the prison tomorrow?" "Wait, yöu'll go to the prison?" "Yeah, I'll go." "No." "No, no, no, no, no." "That..." "That's..." "They canceled that." "That's..." "I talkedto  the warden, and he says that yöur mother was just pulling our leg." "She's only got the chicken pox." "What?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know." "She said she was dying because they give yöu better food if yöu're wicked sick like that, like Beefaroni or microwave pizza or some shit, so..." "That just made me hungry." "Well, check yöur pockets." "(CHUCKLES)" "Oh !" "(LAUGHS)" "A treasure!" "Come on, eat it." "Oh, no, it's nasty." "Come on, I'm telling yöu." "Fucking Todd Bridges worked hard on that thing." "Yeah." "Yöu like that." "Pretty good." "Woo..hoo!" "Look at me, I'm a fountain !" "(LAUGHS)" "Throw a penny in here!" "Make a wish, motherfucker!" "(SIGHS)" "(DOOR OPENS)" "Oh, what the fu..." "Grandma D, what's going on?" "What are yöu doing here?" "Well, yöu've had the fantasy, so now it's time that yöu try the real thing." "(CHUCKLES) Oh !" "No, no, no, I can't do that." "I'm sorry." "I appreciate the offer." "Oh, no, no, no, don't." "I can't." "Don't yöu..." "I.." "I shouldn't." "(BETTE DA VIS EYES PLAYING)" "Oh, God." "Yöu got the old-timey bathing suit on." "Okay, I'm in." "I'm going to ride yöu like a Model T." "(WHISPERING) Yeah." "Shh !" "(SIGHS)" "Jamie." "Yöu're wearing yöur dress again." "Yöu look beautiful." "I want yöu so bad." "Be nice to me." "Make me feel good." "(GRUNTING)" "All right, all right." "Okay, okay, okay, okay." "(GASPING) Oh, oh, oh." "(SNORING)" "(BIRDS CHIRPING)" "JAMIE:" "Oh, my God !" "Help me!" "(SCREAMS)" "What happened?" "Are yöu okay?" "Do I sound okay?" "Yöu puked all over my wedding dress!" "Prepare to get fucked up, motherfuckers!" "(GROANS)" "Sorry, I, uh, I heard yöu scream." "I thought Jamie was getting murdered, so I was gonna fucking smack someone around." "What happened?" "Oh, I don't know!" "I just found my wedding dress covered in barf!" "And something else, something sticky." "(SNIFFING)" "It's jizz." "Yöu puked on my dress and then fucked it!" "(LAUGHS)" "Yöu're a madman." "Uh..." "No, no, no, no." "No." "Sweetheart, it wasn't my boy." "Yöu shut up." "Donny, just shut up!" "Who wants a piece of this, huh?" "(SCREAMING)" "Who wants a piece?" "Whoa, no, no, no!" "It's okay, buddy." "Todd just fucked the dress." "It's under control." "Oh." "What is Vanilla Ice doing in our room?" "He's, um..." "My other best friend." "Yeah." "And a wicked good rapper." "Give it up for him." "Come on, now." "Let's give it up." "DONNY:" "My boy." "I don't know what's going on here, but I don't have time to deal with this, so..." "(CLEARS THROAT) Okay, this is what's gonna happen." "I'm gonna go take a shower." "I'm gonna go to Pilates." "Yöu're gonna take that dress to the dry cleaners!" "And then we're gonna have rehearsal dinner tonight, and yöu're gonna be the normal Todd from three days ago, right?" "Mmm..hmm." "And yöu can start by taking out that stupid Duran Duran earring !" "I was thinking it's more Foreigner." "No?" "No, no, Duran Duran's a good call, though." "(DOOR SLAMS)" "Uh, guess I'm gonna go finish up with Grandma Delores." "Yeah." "Is that all right?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Have fun, buddy." "Have fun." "Not too much, though." "Don't hurt her." "No, no." "I get it right and keep it tight." "(CHUCKLES) Okay." "(SIGHS) Look, I.." "I need a couple hours to fix this." "Oh, hey, we've all been in that situation, and yöu'll be fine, kid." "I'll whip up some pancakes for everyone else, all right?" "All right." "I love it." "Yöu jizzed on a mannequin." "Respect it." "But yöu were only 13." "She took advantage of yöu." "No, all right." "That's what the law says, Su-Jin, but I don't know..." "We were kind of like soul mates." "Yöu know, there was..." "There was a connection there." "I never had it with anyone else." "(PASSIONATE MOANING RING TONE PLAYING) I'm getting a call." "I'm sorry, guys." "Do not touch these plates." "I'm cleaning them." "Okay, Su-Jin?" "Go for Donny B." "TODD:" "Wassup!" "Oh, hey, big man." "What's going on?" "How'd it go with the lady?" "Yöu patch things up?" "Yeah, pretty much." "It was amazing." "The dry cleaner said they've, uh, definitely seen that combo of fluid before." "Yöu see?" "Yeah, those things go together like gin and tonic." "Hey, uh, listen, while I got yöu," "I left yöu a little best man gift on yöur dresser." "I think yöu'll get a kick out of it." "Yöu did not." "Oh, my God." "My whole body, like, got a shocked feeling over that." "Buddy, no one gets me a gift." "Where are yöu, anyways?" "Oh, I'm in the car." "I decided to go see Mom after all." "Yöu did what?" "Oh, my God." "Dukes of Hazzard!" "(GRUNTS)" "(TIRES SQUEALING)" "Hansie." "Donny, what are yöu doing here?" "We got to get out of here now." "What?" "What are yöu talking about?" "It's yöur wedding weekend, dude." "Yöu come here after the wedding." "Yöu show yöur mother yöur new ring." "That would make her happy." "Wait, are yöu nervous to see her?" "Hansie, can we just blow this place off and have a beer, please?" "I'm begging yöu." "Look." "Is that her?" "(I WAS MADE FOR LOVING YOU PLAYING)" "♫ Mmm, yeah ♪" "♫ Ha ♪" "♫ Ooh, ooh, ooh..ooh, ooh, ooh..ooh, ooh, ooh ♪" "♫ Ooh, ooh, ooh..ooh, ooh, ooh..ooh... ♪" "Oh, my God." "There yöu are." "My little Hansie, yöu're all grown up." "Hi, Mom." "I didn't know if I'd ever see yöu again." "I know." "I'm sorry I stopped visiting." "It just got too hard." "Oh, no, I totally understand." "Wow." "Yöu still have my eyes." "(CHUCKLES)" "Is that the earring that I gave yöu after the Loverboy concert?" "Yes, it is, Miss McGarricle." "Yöu know, I think about yöu every day." "Fuck, I love yöu so much, Miss McGarricle." "I never stopped." "Oh..." "Oh, I love yöu, too." "Do yöu remember..." "Oh, God, here we go." "... allthenastythings that I taught yöu, Donny?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Of course I do, Miss McGarricle." "Are yöu still my dirty boy?" "Yeah, I'm the dirtiest boy yöu'll ever know, Miss McGarricle." "Donny." "Oh, fuck, yeah." "Mmm." "Oh." "Uh..huh." "I'm hard right now." "I'm hard." "Okay." "Yeah, I'm hating that, so..." "But it is really good to see yöu, Mom." "I..." "It's good to see yöu, too, baby." "Can yöu describe what yöu're feeling right now, Han?" "TV's Randall Morgan?" "What are yöu doing here?" "Must be quite emotional for yöu to be face-to-face with the woman who molested yöur father, isn't it?" "What is going on right now?" "Who is this dude?" "Listen, before yöu get mad at me..." "This is why yöu came to see me?" "For some reality TV ambush?" "No." "How much they paying yöu, Donny?" "Nothing, I swear to God." "I'm not getting..." "$50,000 to deliver yöu to this prison." "All right, it was 50 grand, but I'm not..." "I 'mnot..." "I'm not going to do it." "I swear to God." "I'm not..." "I would never take his money." "Donny Berger, what have yöu done?" "Hansie, dude, it's me." "It's the guy from last night." "We had fun." "Don't..." "Don'tfuckit." "I'm telling yöu, this is..." "This is something that can be fixed." "Yöu're unreal." "Hansie." "What..." "Yöu go after him, Donny, and yöu take care of our son." "Hansie." "(RANDALL LAUGHING)" "Come on, he is pissed." "Fuck!" "Take care of our baby, Donny!" "DONNY:" "Hansie!" "Hansie, please, let me explain to yöu..." "I can't believe I let yöu back into my life again." "Guy, guy, just come on." "Listen to me." "I owe the IRS a lot of money." "Of course yöu do." "I know, I know." "I'm a fuck-up." "But if I don't give them 43 G's by Tuesday, I'm going to prison." "Wait, so yöu're telling me, if I give yöu 43 grand, yöu don't have to go to jail?" "I will pay yöu back, I swear to God." "Would yöu..." "Would yöu loan me the money?" "No!" "Fuck yöu !" "Get yöur shit out of my boss's house!" "Okay!" "(TASER ZAPPING) No!" "Don't do that." "That's my boy there." "(FARTING)" "Oh..." "Oh,no ." "I think he just shit his pants." "Tell me yöu got that on camera." "Yöu made me throw out my extra underwear!" "I'm sorry." "I didn't know yöu were going to shit yöurself again." "That was awesome." "(LAUGHING) That was awesome." "Donny, couldn't have gone any better." "Loved it." "Yöu know what I need from yöu, Todd, is I need yöu to sign the release form right..." "Fuck yöu !" "Get away from me!" "Get those cameras off me!" "I hate yöu..." "Dad." "DONNY:" "Hansie!" "I can't pay yöu a dime unless I got a release form." "Fuck." "Did I get any shit on me?" "(ENGINE SPUTTERING)" "(UNSATlSFlED PLAYING)" "Let me off here." "Let me off." "Let me get off." "I'll fucking run up." "Keep it running." "I got to pick my shit up." "♫ Look me in the eye ♪" "♫ Then tell me that I'm satisfied ♪" "♫ Was yöu satisfied?" "♪" "♫ Look me in the eye... ♪ (LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE)" "JAMIE:" "Oh, yöu're so adorable." "No, I know, but I told yöu not to call me on this line." "What if Todd picks up?" "No, no, no, I..." "I want to." "No, Steve." "Todd doesn't know anything." "I don't care if he finds out after the wedding." "There's nothing he can do about it then anyway." "Oh, yöu're so sweet." "Steve, huh?" "Well, Steve Spirou, I'm going to fuck yöu up." "I'm going to fuck yöu up!" "STEVE:" "Well, I got some great news." "I've made my decision on who my new partner is." "Phil !" "(GASPS)" "Phil, I knew yöu could do it." "STEVE: (LAUGHING) Look at Phil's face." "I'm just busting yöur balls, Phil." "No, I'd never pick yöu." "Oh, no." "It's yöu, Todd." "Partners." "(GASPING)" "Oh." "Partner." "Oh, my gosh." "It's going to be a lot more hours and a lot more responsibility." "Yöu know that, right?" "And... a lotmoremoney!" "(LAUGHING)" "STEVE:" "Oh !" "Somebody's going shopping !" "Yeah !" "(STEVE SIGHS)" "I thought he left." "Yeah, that's what yöu wish, Steve." "I need to talk to yöu, homeboy." "Yeah." "Hey, Jamie." "Listen." "Listen." "Dude, this is not about yöu and me, all right?" "Yöu're not marrying the right girl." "She is cheating on yöu." "Yöu are unbelievable." "Can't yöu just let it go?" "This is my last chance to be normal." "Are yöu determined to ruin my life?" "Honey, what's going on?" "Nothing." "Don't "honey" him, yöu little snake in the grass." "I heard yöur phone call." ""Oh, Steve, why'd yöu call on this line?" ""Todd could have picked up."" "That's right, sonny boy." "Yöur wife-to-be's fucking yöur boss." "Right there." "Fuck yöu, buddy." "Yöu are an idiot!" "Is that right, sweetheart?" "Yes, it is." "Yeah, yeah." "Why?" "I was on the phone with Steve." "Aha!" "Steve Goldstein, the Boston herald wedding reporter." "Yeah, he's doing a piece on the most beautiful places to get married, and I didn't want Todd to know because he doesn't like being in the paper." "So, I am sorry that I wanted everyone in the world to know I married the perfect guy." "Honey, do yöu think yöu can forgive me for keeping such a big secret from yöu?" "Okay, uh, due to this newfound evidence, the conclusion might be that I'm an asshole." "Bye." "Fine." "Have a good wedding." "I'll leave with pride." "I'm a good person." "Bye!" "I'll see yöu tomorrow!" "(HOLLERING)" "(JAMIE SIGHS)" "TODD:" "Wow, what a stressful day, huh?" "Can't wait to get back to the beach house." "Oh, thank yöu." "Bye." "Just the two of us, yöu know?" "Oh, no, honey." "I'm staying in the city tonight, remember?" "What?" "No." "Yeah, the bride and groom, they're supposed to sleep separate night before the wedding." "So see yöu tomorrow, big guy." "I'm going to drop Jamie at the Fairmont Copley." "Mom and Dad, yöu guys got the hedgehog." "Okay!" "Love yöu." "CHAD:" "Watch the door." "Love yöu." "Ow." "Okay." "Sleep well." "Wait, but don't they not have a car?" "(EXHALING SHARPLY)" "All right, Donny, go." "There's yöur chance." "Go." "I ain't got no more chances, buddy." "The kid hates my guts." "Right?" "'Cause yöu guys don't have a car." "I'm not talking about him, Donny." "Wake up, man." "What?" "Jamie's the gatekeeper for yöur son." "Yeah?" "Win her over, then she'll convince Han to give yöu another chance." "Boom !" "How am I ever going to get her trust?" "She freaking hates me." "Donny, yöu want to know what all women love?" "Ice cream." "(lCE CREAM MAN PLAYING)" "♫ Dedicate one to the ladies ♪" "♫ Now, summertime's here, babe ♪" "♫ Need something to keep yöu cool... ♪" "Hi." "I'm Todd Peterson." "No, yöu're not." "Yöu're Donny Berger." "Yöu fucked yöur teacher in the seventh grade." "♫ Better look out now, though ♪" "♫ Dave's got something for yöu... ♪" "Hi." "I'm Todd Peterson." "Hi, Mr. Peterson." "What can I do for yöu?" "What room was my fiancee in again?" "Let me check. 641 ." "Yöu're a fucking stud." "♫ Stop me when I'm passing by... ♪" "Hey, when the legendary Donny Berger comes in here using a fake name, yöu go with it!" "All right, I will." "♫ Hold on a second, baby ♪" "♫ I got good lemonade, ah, Dixie cups ♪ 641 . 641 ." "All right, come on, sweetheart." "(THUD)" "JAMIE:" "Oh, yeah !" "Oh !" "Oh !" "What, did Todd come out here?" "Yöu're half the size of Todd, but yöu use it so much better!" "I guess not." "Oh !" "Oh, my God !" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God !" "Oh, my God." "Oh, fucking shit!" "Fucking shit." "Fucking shit!" "Fucking shit." "Yeah." "Okay." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "(HORNS HONKING)" "(CAP CLINKING)" "(GRUNTS) Okay." "(JAMIE SQUEALING)" "Yeah !" "(LAUGHS)" "Yöu do not deserve these treats." "(MOANING)" "Are yöu finished, sweetheart?" "(SCREAMS) Oh, my God." "(CHUCKLES)" "Yöur fiance's at home, yöu know." "This really gets me upset." "Yöu know why?" "'Cause he's too good for yöu." "He is." "And yöu're sitting here gallivanting with..." "I think I know who." "Don't I," "Mr. Steve Goldstein?" "Wait." "Are yöu..." "What am I seeing?" "No..." "It,uh ..." "Uh..." "With each other?" "Am I..." "Thisis ..." "(GRUNTS)" "Is he yöur stepbrother at least or, uh, adopted or something?" "No reply." "So it's real." "Oh, my God. (GAGS)" "Uh, Donny, Donny, yöu don't..." "Yöu don't understand what's going on here." "I don't think Charlie Sheen would understand what's going on here." "Look, I love Todd, and we're going to get married, and we're going to have a great life together." "And yes, I've had sex with Chad from time to time." "(GAGGING)" "It's what good-looking people do." "They have sex with other good-looking people." "Yöu know?" "Just so happens that this one particular good-looking person is my little brother." "Oh, okay." "It's all making sense to me now." "(RETCHES)" "I know that sounded bad, but, Donny, this was going to be the last time." "I would never carry on with a married woman." "I've got better morals than that, Donny." "Chad, adultery is bad..." "Mmm..hmm." "... butincestis fuckedup!" "Oh..." "Oh,please don't let him tell Mommy about our secret tickle time." "Secret tickle time?" "Yöu got a name for it?" "(GAGS)" "And with a United States military man, no less." "Yöu are a disgrace to that uniform !" "No, he's not a Marine." "He buys those uniforms on eBay so Dad doesn't find out he's a modern jazz dancer." "What?" "That's possibly worse than the incest thing." "This is an abomination." "I'm telling Todd." "No, he won't believe yöu." "Yeah, he will." "No, he bought that Steve Goldstein story." "Come on, yöu think he got that partnership on his own?" "With that "beep boop beep" shit?" "No, I gave him a boost." "How many people have yöu fucked?" "Well, maybe..." "he'll believe this." "(CAMERA CLICKS)" "Nice." "Save." "(GASPS)" "Yöu two have fun together." "Sickies." "JAMIE:" "All right, how much?" "I'm going to be a very rich woman." "I can write yöu a big fat check." "What's it going to take for this to go away?" "Todd has to pop a Xanax when he loses a contact lens." "What do yöu think he's going to do when he finds out about this?" "Todd's happy." "Yöu really want to take that away?" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)" "(LAUGHTER)" "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Hey, buddy." "I got something to tell yöu, and..." "I'm not expecting yöu to believe this, but..." "I got the money." "JIM OVER PHONE:" "That's great, Donny." "Yöur son came through for yöu, didn't he?" "Yeah." "His fiancee gave me $50,000 to keep quiet about her having sex with her brother." "Yeah, I've been there." "We've all been there." "She said it was her last time, so..." "Oh." "Maybe things will work out." "Then how come I feel like shit right now?" "Yeah, it's kind of a moral thicket." "But the good news is, yöu stay out of the slammer, right, Donny?" "Donny?" ""Go do something."" "I don't know, Mr. Mitty." "I don't know if I can fucking handle it." ""Be a good person."" "JIM OVER PHONE:" "Donny?" "Oh, no, no, don't hit me." "No, no." "Just give me a moment, please, Todd." "Just a moment." "Relax." "Yöu know, after praying with the monsignor," "I realize that I committed the sin of prideful anger in the church, and I hope that yöu'll accept my apology and allow me the honor of being a part of this joyöus day." "Oh, well, what about Father Shakalu?" "Oh, stupid bird." "Come on, fly!" "Oh, well, uh, he's cool." "Great." "Sounds good." "Oh, oh..." "By the way, Todd, uh, was it yöu that hit me in the head with the bottle?" "Oh." "No." "Well, then, um, who, then?" "It was Chad." "Interesting." "Two, three, four." "Fosse, and Fosse, and Fosse." "Interesting." "Yo!" "Donny Berger!" "All right!" "I'd sign something for yöu, buddy, but I got no time right now." "Ice!" "Ice, yöu in there, buddy?" "I need yöu !" "Yöu still got the 5.0?" "What does that mean?" "Is that a yes or no?" "I don't understand the pose." "Yeah?" "Let's go, let's go!" "(ENGINE REVING)" "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "(EVERYTHING LOUDER THAN everything ELSE PLAYING)" "(HORN BLARING)" "Go, baby, go!" "♫ I know that I will never be politically correct ♪" "♫ And I don't give a damn about my lack of etiquette ♪" "♫ As far as I'm concerned, the world could still be flat ♪" "♫ And if the thrill is gone ♪" "♫ Then it's time to take it back ♪" "♫ lf the thrill is gone ♪" "♫ Then it's time to take it back ♪" "♫ Who am I?" "Why am I here?" "♪" "Oh, no!" "(TRUCK HORN BLARING)" "(BOTH SHOUTING)" "(DONNY LAUGHS)" "♫ What's the meaning of life?" "♪" "♫ What's the meaning of it all?" "♪" "♫ Yöu got to learn to dance before yöu learn to crawl ♪" "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "Look at this fucking guy!" "(HORN BLARING)" "Oh, man !" "♫ Don't worry about the future ♪" "♫ Sooner or later, it's the past ♪" "♫ lf they say the thrill is gone ♪" "♫ Then it's time to take it back ♪" "♫ lf the thrill is gone ♪" "♫ Then it's time to take it back ♪" "Oh, no, no, no, no, no!" "We're stuck!" "We're stuck!" "To hell with the 5.0." "Let's run for it, man." "But we need great tunes!" "Come on, let's get them !" "(MUSIC STOPS) VANILLA ICE:" "Right here, I got a Walkman." "DONNY:" "The Walkman !" "Yeah, baby." "(ICE ICE BABY PLAYING)" "♫ Let's kick it ♪" "Let's go!" "♫ lce, lce, baby ♪" "Damn it, man !" "Come on !" "Let's go!" "Oh, my God !" "♫ All right, stop ♪" "♫ Collaborate and listen ♪" "Hey!" "Whoa!" "♫ Something grabs a hold of me tightly ♪" "♫ Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly ♪" "♫ Will it ever stop?" "♪ ♫ Yo, I don't know ♪" "♫ Turn off the lights, and I'll glow ♪" "♫ To the extreme, I rock a mic... ♪" "GIRLS:" "Yöu forgot to pay!" "So, Jamie, do yöu promise to provide Todd here with unending empathy, encouragement and honesty, till death do yöu part?" "I do." "(SIGH)" "♫ lf there was a problem ♪" "♫ Yo, I'll solve it ♪" "Hey, Donny." "Come on !" "♫ lce, lce, baby ♪" "Whoa!" "(GRUNTS) (MUSIC STOPS)" "(PANTING)" "What are yöu doing, guy?" "Yöu jumped?" "There was a door right here!" "Come on, we got to get there!" "(GROANING)" "And yöu, Todd, do yöu promise to love, honor and protect this special lady for the rest of yöur life?" "DONNY:" "Don't answer that question !" "(CROWD MURMURING)" "(PANTING)" "Oh, shit." "(WHEEZING)" "We ran well over..." "a mile." "(WHEEZING)" "I object to these two getting married." "(CROWD GASPS)" "No, uh, we are, we're past that part already." "What are my options, then?" "How about leaving?" "Yöu shut the hell up, yöu satanic hose-bag !" "Hey!" "Gerald !" "I'm sorry it sounded so harsh, but yöu'll understand why I said that in a few minutes." "There ain't gonna be a few minutes, yöu goddamn son of a bitch !" "Calm down !" "Calm down !" "(CROWD GASPS)" "Let the boy talk." "DONNY:" "I can't let yöu marry this chick." "I can't believe yöu're doing this." "Listen to me, buddy." "Yöu don't love this girl." "I'm telling yöu." "I had love, it's different." "It's a different feeling." "Love is like..." "It just leads yöu to a special connection." "It's full of, like, feelings of awesomeness." "And the feelings yöu..." "That wrap around yöu." "It's deep in yöur stomach." "It's in yöur head." "It's in yöur fucking nut sack." "It's in yöur dick when it gets hard." "There's still love at the tip." "And it fucking sprinkles out like morning dew shooting all over the grass." "Okay, I've had just about enough of this." "Phil, sit down before I tell yöur wife what yöu did at the strip club." "Okay." "(CROWD GASPS)" "Son, I'm sorry, I just, I can't let yöu marry this skank." ""Son?"" "Yöur son?" "Son?" "What is he talking about?" "Honey?" "Yöu can tell me." "I'll forgive yöu." "That's what love's about, right?" "Forgiveness." "All right, fine." "Donny's not my best friend." "He's my father." "(CROWD GASPS) Oh, my..." "My parents didn't die in an explosion." "I lied because I'm the product of an inappropriate teacher-student relationship." "Teacher-student relationship?" "Do yöu know how gross that sounds?" "Yöu're disgusting !" "Are yöu fucking kidding me right now?" "She can still cancel that check, Donny!" "Chad." "Cancel what check?" "I don't..." "She gave me 50 grand to keep my mouth shut." "(CROWD GASPS) 50 grand?" "Jamie." "Yeah, it was, uh..." "I was gonna hold on to it, yöu know, to get me out of jail, but..." "Yeah, yeah." "That's what I think of that." "That's how much I hate this fucking whore." "Wait." "Keep yöur mouth shut about what?" "JAMIE:" "Todd, don't listen to him." "He's a liar and he's crazy!" "Father McNally, please continue." "I promise to do all that shit yöu mentioned and so does Todd, right?" "Wait, what is going on?" "Tell him." "No, no, no, no, no." "Don't tell him, don't tell him." "Yöu tell him or I'll tell everybody here." "It's up to yöu." "(STUTTERS SOFTLY)" "Come on." "(WHISPERS)" "Oh." "Okay." "Well, that's not that bad." "What?" "Yöu didn't tell him, yöu fucking lying piece of shit!" "Get on it now or I'll fucking crush yöu !" "No." "Jame, yöu can tell me." "I mean, how bad could it be?" "What?" "Okay, she told him." "What?" "(GROANS LOUDLY)" "Yöu fuck yöur brother?" "(CROWD GASPS LOUDLY) Oh, my God !" "Fucking white people." "(LAUGHS)" "I'm not looking so bad now, am I, Dad?" "(LAUGHS)" "I'm..." "I'm out of here." "Mom, she started all this." "I didn't want to." "I'm still yöur little soldier, I..." "Fuck!" "Take that uniform off." "Yöu're insulting us all." "No, no, no." "Don't yöu see?" "It's gonna be even better now." "Yöu're a mess, I'm a mess." "Come on." "Doc Shakalu, get yöur ass up here!" "I got to be part of this shit?" "Todd?" "Please." "Come on, baby." "Come on, Todd, let's do this." "Yeah, yeah." "No!" "Let's not do this." "Okay?" "And for the record, my name's not Todd Peterson." "It's Han Solo." "Named after the man who made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs." "And I am a Berger, like my father before me." "Also, I want to tell everyone here that I've got a pretty huge New Kids on the Block tattoo on my back." "The heads are warped, but fuck yöu, guys, it's funny." "(CHUCKLES) It is fucking hilarious." "Oh, and Steve?" "Uh, nothing personal, man, but I quit!" "Aw, no, no." "Come on, Todd, don't be like that, huh?" "Ah !" "We quit, too." "Fuck yöu !" "VANILLA ICE:" "Good call, Han Solo, 'cause yöur fiancee banged him, too." "(CROWD GASPS) What?" "I didn't know about the brother thing, though." "I am as sickened as yöu, believe me." "Yöu know what?" "It's all right, Steve." "'Cause guess what?" "Donny and Vanilla Ice fucked yöur mom !" "(CROWD GASPS)" "Vanilla Ice banged Grandma?" "That's fucking awesome!" "(LAUGHS)" "Donny, look out!" "(SCREAMING)" "(BOTTLE CLANKS)" "Word to yöur mother, brotherfucker!" "I'm sorry." "I know I'm not supposed to hit a chick, but I.." "I got to tell yöu, it felt good." "(CHUCKLES) I mean, I wouldn't do it again, but with this psycho, yöu know, it was warranted." "Donny!" "I'm gonna kill yöu !" "(CROWD GASPS)" "(BOTTLE CLANKS)" "At ease, bitch." "Dude!" "That's it!" "Nice!" "Hang on, though." "Hang on." "Oh, no, don't hurt me." "Even Steven." "DONNY:" "Father, take off the collar." "That's right." "Yöu're not meant for this." "Well..." "Yeah." "Nicely done." "All right, come on." "Let's get out of here, Dad." "Did yöu hear that?" "Did yöu hear that?" "My son called me Dad !" "He called me Dad !" "That's right!" "The Berger boys are back, bitches!" "BOTH:" "Wassup?" "Wassup?" "Wassup..." "(HOLD YOUR HEAD UP PLAYING)" "♫ Hold yöur head up ♪" "♫ Oh, hold yöur head up ♪" "(LAUGHTER)" "Shut up." "His boss and her brother?" "It sounds like a Rodney Dangerfield joke, but it actually happened to my boy here!" "(LAUGHTER)" "N.." "Now we got to find Han Solo one of them new girls." "One that don't care about all that money he make." "(CHUCKLES)" "No, no." "Yeah, like a girl version of Todd Bridges would be perfect." "BRIDGES:" "That's right!" "Female version of me." "That's right." "Well, yöu know, I actually might be doing okay in that department, so..." "DONNY:" "What's that?" "What the fuck..." "What the heck?" "Oh !" "Todd and Brie, sitting in a tree." "(LAUGHS)" "I have balls down to my knee!" "(LAUGHTER) What?" "DONNY:" "Ah, he said it!" "Yeah !" "KENNY:" "Donny!" "Yeah, buddy?" "Yöu're my best friend." "I'm gonna miss yöu." "I know, I know." "But there's good news." "Yöu know what, Miss McGarricle gets out in three years, so the timing's kind of perfect for us to start our lives together." "Dad, let me just give yöu the money." "No." "No." "I'm not gonna do that." "It's time for Donny Berger to take responsibility for his screw-ups." "I made my bed, now I got to lie in it." "Donny!" "Donny!" "Are yöu watching?" "Turn on the TV!" "Turn it on !" "ANNOUNCER:" "There he is, the fat guy we've been talking about all day, Tubby Tuke, actually gaining on the Ethiopians here in the final stretch." "Is..is this the fat guy I put the money on?" "20 bucks at 8,000-to-1 ." "Beep boop beep boop beep." "160 grand?" "160 grand?" "DONNY:" "Come on, yöu fat shit, move it!" "ALL:" "Go, Tubby!" "Go, Tubby!" "(CLAMORING)" "Keep running !" "Keep running !" "Pass those Ethiopians!" "Pass them skinny fucking Ethiopians!" "(CLAMORING)" "Oh, this defies every law of science, but it's happening !" "Oh !" "Get the fuck up!" "Get the fuck up!" "(CHEERING) Oh, he's up!" "He's up!" "He's up!" "That'll replenish him !" "That'll replenish him !" "No!" "ANNOUNCER:" "Oh, listen to the roar of that crowd." "CROWD: (CHANTING) Fat guy!" "Fat guy!" "Fat guy!" "Fat guy!" "ANNOUNCER:" "Can he possibly win it?" "He's gonna do it!" "Tubby Tuke has won!" "(CHEERING)" "(LOVE SONG PLAYING)" "♫ Love will find a way ♪" ""Hope You've Liked  Enjoyed The Movie"" "Tubby Tuke wins!" "Tubby Tuke wins!" "♫ Love is gonna find a way ♪" "Copyright from ecOtOne™" "(DANCE THE night AWAY PLAYING)" "♫ Have yöu seen her?" "♪" "♫ So fine and pretty ♪" "♫ Fooled me with her style and ease ♪" "♫ And I feel her from across the room ♪" "♫ Yes, it's love in the third degree ♪" "♫ Ooh, baby, baby ♪" "♫ Won't yöu turn yöur head my way?" "♪" "♫ Ooh, baby, baby ♪" "♫ Ah, come on Take a chance ♪" "♫ Yöu're old enough to ♪" "♫ Dance the night away ♪" "♫ Whoa..oh ♪" "♫ Come on, girl ♪" "♫ Dance the night away ♪" "♫ A live wire, barely a beginner ♪" "♫ But just watch that lady go ♪" "♫ She's on fire, 'cause dancin' gets her higher than ♪" "♫ Anything else she knows ♪" "♫ Ooh, baby, baby ♪" "♫ Won't yöu turn yöur head my way?" "♪" "♫ Ooh, baby, baby ♪" "♫ Well, don't skip romance 'cause ♪" "♫ Yöu're old enough to ♪" "♫ Dance the night away ♪" "♫ Oh..oh..oh ♪" "♫ Come on, girl ♪" "♫ Dance the night away ♪" "♫ Dance, dance, dance the night away ♪" "♫ Ah, come on ♪" "♫ Dance the night away ♪" "♫ Dance, dance, dance the night away ♪" "♫ Ah, come on, baby, baby ♪" "♫ Dance the night away ♪" "♫ Dance, dance, dance the night away ♪" "(LAWD HA VE MERCY PLAYING)" "Copyright from ecOtOne™"