"Subtitles by demonseye" "Brass!" "This is WBXT, the voice of Fort Baxter." "All personnel are invited to join sergeant Bilko in the motor pool for a demonstration of proper spark-plug maintenance today at 04:20, 05:30 and 14:55." "Those times again." "04:20, 05:30 and 14:55." " Did you win?" " Nope." "Private first class Wally Holbrook reporting for duty." " First assignment?" " Yes, ma'am." " Relax." "You know where you're assigned?" " Motor pool." "I'm a mechanic." " Okay..." "Motor pool?" " Yes, I..." " You're going straight to the colonel." " Colonel?" "What'd I do?" " How old are you, son?" " Nineteen, sir." "Nineteen..." "So young." "I'm a first-rate mechanic." "My two uncles owned a garage down Nalintown." " You have any money?" " Yes, sir." " Give it to me, please." " But I..." "It's... it's all right." " My word, there must be 500 dollars in here." " 700." "See, I worked at my uncle's..." "You're going to take 700 dollars in cash into Bilko's barracks?" " Yes, sir." "Who, sir?" " Give me your hat, please." "Sergeant Bilko." "Master sergeant Ernest G. Bilko." " Well, good luck." "And Godspeed." " Thank you, sir." "Remember." "If you need anything at all, need any help..." " the old colonel's door is always open." " Thank you, sir." "Sir?" " I'm lookin' for master sergeant Bilko." " You're too late, junior, no more bets." " No, no, no." "I'm reporting in." " Come on, Duane!" "Pull!" "Dig deep, baby!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "He's got the wrong shoes!" "Doberman's wearing the wrong shoes." "He's... got no traction." "And this horse!" "This horse was not this lively this morning." "I want this horse drug tested now!" "Someone, quick." "Get a urine bottle and a mop." "Hey!" "What's goin' on?" "It's private Doberman." "He's the one who looks sort of human." "Last night in the gym, Doberman said "I feel as strong as a horse"." "Some guy from company P overheard 'im and said "Yeah?" "For how much?"" "That's the golden rule around here." "You don't say nothing unless you're prepared to back it up." "No, no, not across the line." "Don't go across." "Back." "Just, back." "Back." " Are you all right, Duane?" " Sarge, I can't do this any more!" "You did your best, Duane." "What's money, anyway?" "So, Bilko, I finally won one." "Pay up." " Hurry up." " Oh, so now we're on a schedule?" " Shall we go once more?" " Sarge!" "Please, no more." "No more, sarge." "Don't worry, Duane." "Nothing can make me put you through that again." " He's finished." "He's a loser." " No one calls one of Bilko's men a loser." "I oughtta..." "Hold me back!" "No, no!" "Let me go!" "I'll kill him." " You wanna double the bet?" " Double the bet?" "Ha!" "You're serious." " Sarge, no." " What's the matter, Ernie?" "Scared?" "Sarge, please." "That's all the platoon's money." "Every cent." "This is beyond money now." "This is a matter of honor." "Okay, the bet is 1,000." "Sucker." "Yeah!" "Hey, you can't do that, man." " Ready, Duane?" " Sure, sarge." "See?" "He was just rollin' up the bet." "He's like a god." "Duane!" "Duane!" "Duane!" "Duane!" "Duane!" "Duane!" "Duane!" "Duane!" "Duane!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Walk 'im around and wipe 'im down." "Not the horse!" "Doberman." "Listen to me." "That M2 Bradley fighting vehicle is property of the United States Army." "I want it back on the post by tonight." "We have rules!" "Rules and regulations." "I have your rental agreement right here." "And if you blow anything up, it's coming out of your deposit." "Teenagers!" "So irresponsible." " Sarge, you said I could count the take." " She got to count it last time." "Will you two stop fighting?" "I feel like I'm running a daycare center." "You know, actually, a daycare center is not a bad idea." "We could keep 'em in the storeroom." " Luis, how many kids on the post?" " Personal dependants under five?" " 293." " Get me the sum total of all their allowances." " Hey, in the storeroom, sarge?" "Kids?" " Zimmy, they won't die." "In fact, that'll be our motto:" ""They won't die."" "I'll count the money." "Rocky, make sure the horse gets back to Knott's Berry Farm." "Private first class Holbrook, Walter T., reporting in for duty, sergeant!" "Sarge, Holbrook is a tech-school terror." "First in his class, motor-vehicle maintenance." "A real live wrench-turner here in the motor pool?" "It's so crazy it just might work." "I'll introduce you to the boys and girls." "What's the matter, sarge?" "Don't you smell it?" "It's money." "This is sgt." "Henshaw and sgt." "Barbella." "You'll see them about the dances, the raffles, the mixtures." "You'll get all your tickets through them." "Plus they'll let you know when they get shop service." "So if you need any personal stationery, magazines..." "Uh, but not magazine subscriptions." "See Morales about that." "Towels..." " Towels?" "Doesn't the army issue towels?" " Army?" "Get 'im a set of towels." "The fluffy ones." "Introductory price." "Come on." "Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen." "This is Dino Paparelli." "You're gonna laugh, you're gonna cry." "You're gonna love this scrappy little Italian." " Hiya." " Sam Fender." "Fender's motto in life is simple:" " "An indictment is not a conviction."" " Damn straight." "That's manly talk." "Mickey Zimmerman." "Tragically, Zimmerman was born without a personality." " Hello." " Luis Clemente." "This guy is smart, very smart." "He has an IQ." " Hello." " See what I mean?" "Tony Morales." "The only thing you need to know about Tony is this:" "he doesn't take showers because it fogs up the mirror." "And finally, the man-child of the hour, the master of disaster, the king of the universe look out, girls, he hates to dine alone - private Duane..." "Doberman!" "Aw, sarge." "Doberman doesn't take showers either, but for an entirely different and much more frightening reason." "My orders, sergeant." "Well, everything seems to be in order." "Henshaw will take your bags." "Don't worry, he's bonded." "You have a valid license?" " A driver's licence?" " Cause if you don't, we can make one up." " Henshaw, get the camera!" " No, no, no, no." "I have a license." "It's right here." "My wallet." "Oh, here it is." "Empty." "It's in your hat, isn't it?" "Good boy." "Oh." "Oh, there must be six..." "no, seven hundred dollars in here." "Good." "Well, you can start with this." "The colonel's car." " Okay, what's wrong with it?" " It's the odometer, Wally." "It says 12,000 miles, and it should say 11,000 miles." "Tony here drove it to Lake Tahoe for the weekend to go to his grandmother's funeral." " I'm sorry, Tony." " When I say "go to his grandmother's funeral"" "I mean "visit his niece"." "And when I say "niece", I mean..." "lady friend?" "Look." "I'm winking." "Look at my eye." " You want me to turn the odometer back?" " Yes." " I can't do that, sergeant." " "Can't"!" "He said "can't"!" "Sarge, are you all right?" "Hey, man, "can't" is a four-letter word in this platoon." "I cannot violate regulations, unless it's a direct order, in which case I would have to ask master sergeant Bilko to sign said order." "Look, I'm asking you to do Tony here a favor." "See, we're all like family here." "Any one of these men would take a bullet for you." " Well, not in the chest." " No, no, not in the chest, but in the thigh." "Permission to speak freely, sarge?" "Permission?" "What, are we in Russia?" "Say anything you want." "You men are soldiers." "Guardians of freedom." "And frankly, I don't think there's a man or woman here who's takin' their service oath seriously." "You know what?" "I'm gonna kill 'im." "Fender!" "Now, this is the stuff they should be teaching in the army." " They are." " No kidding?" "Here's a mouldy oldie for all our friends in the motor pool." "Brass!" "Sarge, the horse." "Where are we gonna hide the horse?" "What horse?" "All right, men!" "Faster." "The army needs these vehicles." "Bilko?" "Sergeant." "Sergeant Bilko!" "Fall in, men, now!" "And get into a semicircle hype or a rectangle, now!" "Hut!" "Hey!" "Very good." "As you were." "He means go back to what you were doing." "Colonel Hall, you look fantastic, sir." "Have you lost weight?" "Why, a couple of pounds maybe." "Uh, Nell and I have been "sweating to the oldies"." " Ah." " Uh, sergeant, I'm here to see about my car." "Ah, well, I'm afraid we're still workin' on it, sir." " You've had it a week and a half." " I thought I saw it last night on Interstate 30." "There." "Thank God I have a witness." "Thank you, captain Moon." "And the colonel thinks I never test-drive the vehicles." "What is that?" "That's horse shit, sir." "I tell the men "You have to test-drive the vehicles..."" " What's it doing there?" " It keeps the flies off the food, sir." "There's no way you can tell what's wrong with an engine" " Off the food?" " It's an experimental program." "I'd... say the results are mixed." "It's a lot cheaper than sending out for it, sir." "And fresher, too." "Bilko, have you gone mental?" "This is not the horse cavalry." " You can't bring livestock onto the post." " Of course you're right, sir." "You heard the colonel." "Assemble horse platoon and get the horse out of here!" " All right now, double-time, soldier." " Sergeant, please, tell me about my car." " Do you know anything about cars, sir?" " No." "Ah." "Well, you see that, uh, sort of pointy thing right there?" "It seems that it's impinging on the browned, round thing with the spots." " You see, when Henry Ford first..." " Colonel Hall." " Corporal, what is it?" " Permission to speak privately, sir?" " Of course." "Excuse me, Bilko." " Absolutely." " What is it, corporal?" " The Pentagon called." "The Pentagon?" "How did they get my number?" "They're sending a team from the Department of the Army, sir, to observe tomorrow's hovertank test." " Oh, why?" "It's just a preliminary..." "Aah." " What is it, sir?" "Well, they're closing a lot of military facilities lately." "What if they're planning to close Fort Baxter?" " Bilko, do you know anything about this?" " The colonel flatters me." " How could I, a simple master sergeant...?" " It's cause you seem to know everything before I do." "I'm sure it's just routine, sir." "Anyway, come back any time." "Call first." "I tell you, men, serving under a great leader like colonel Hall shouldn't..." " He's gone." " I'm hungry." "What time is it?" "12 o'clock." "We ordered Chinese." " Pentagon brass, sarge?" "I don't like it." " Relax." "It's just army stuff." "It's got nothing to do with us." " Did you say 12 o'clock?" " Yeah." " Today's Saturday?" " All day." "Saturday at noon." "I have a strange feeling I'm supposed to be somewhere." "Hm." "I'll kill 'im." " Poker game?" " No, no." " Racetrack." " No, no." "It was something else." "My, that's a lovely dress." " Thank you, reverend." " Is it new?" "No, I wore it the last time the lying shit-heel stood me up." "Ah." "Nice catch." "Give me the ring." "You were the best man last time." " He didn't get married last time, that don't count!" " It's my turn!" " How you gonna be best man?" " Just... give me the ring!" " But you can't hate him, you know?" " I can hate 'im, daddy." "I hate 'im right now." "Sweetheart..." "Where are you going?" "Nobody leave." "You came to see me get married and you're going to see me get married." "And I don't particularly care who to." "Sweetheart!" "I know you're upset..." "Daddy, stay out of this." "I know what I'm doing." " Nelson." " Huh?" "Are you busy?" "Will you marry me?" "I love you." "I just never realized it until now." "Well, the thing is, Rita, I'm engaged... to your sister." "And?" "Don't ask." "Don't even ask." "Okay, ask." "Bunny face, bunny face, you won't believe what happened." "There was this busload of sweet little geriatrics." "They went rolling down a mountain side and..." "Do you think I'm an idiot?" "Ask Wally here." "He's new, a real straight arrow, never told a lie in his life." "Wally?" "See?" "Sweetheart, sweetheart..." "Oh, baby, angel puff, you're overreacting!" " You know, it's..." "Ooh!" "Bad turnout." " It was full an hour ago." "Oh, sweetie, I..." "I'm well!" "Sweetie, look, what can I do to make it up to you?" "Whaddaya want?" "Just tell me." "I'll do anything." "I've been waiting for you to marry me for seven years." "What do I want?" "I want my seven years back." "I can't live like this, Ernie." "I've got a maid of honour on call 24 hours a day." "And I'm the only woman in Roseville with a wedding dress that's falling apart from wear." " I'm sorry." " I think you love me, Ernie." "But you're so slippery, it's impossible to know what you're thinking." "Well, thank you." "I don't understand what you're so afraid of." "You know what I wanna do right here, right now?" "No." "Don't." "No." "No, not this time." " Don't, please." " One game to 500." "Don't." "Please, don't." "Spade." "It's a double." "Triple boxes to 500." "Penny a point." " A four?" " Yes." "Oh, two." "Yeah." "Come on." "Here." "Go, go, go." "What's up?" "Well, Ernie, Rocky and I were talkin' to Wally while you and Rita were in the church." "That's a nice girl." "And we don't like the way you treat 'er." "He's right, sarge." "You're treatin' her like a rube." " Wouldn't you be happier in the navy?" " You... you jilted that girl." "She'll probably have to change her name and move to another town." "Will you relax?" "Rita and I have a special relationship." "You think she expected me to marry her today?" "Course not." "She expected me to do just what I did." "It's a game." "Someday you might lose that game, Ernie." "Very good, men." "Make sure it's tight." " Tight?" " Whatever." "So, major Ebersole, tomorrow's the big day." " How's she look?" " I hope it won't be too humiliating, sir." "Well, what's supposed to happen?" "Well, theoretically, and I wouldn't bet the farm, the hovertank will lift off and hover several inches above the pond." " Good." "Very good." " Yeah." "Then it will engage the targets, the... the cannon." "Boom." "The ammunition dump." "Kaboom." "That truck." "Boom." "Excellent." "One thought." "Maybe it should be: boom, boom... then... kaboom." "You know, save that "kaboom" for the very last?" "Kind of like a "hoo-ah" grand finale." "What do you think, major?" " I'll make a note of it, sir." " Good." " Missed me." "Now run!" " Ow!" " Yeah." "Gotcha." " Hey, there goes the sarge, man." "Sarge!" " Hey, Dobie, come on, let's go." " Hey, sarge, you get married yet?" " Not yet." " How did Rita take it this time?" "Oh, she's happy." "She took 40 bucks off me in a gin game." "Oh, she's great!" "Hey, Paparelli." "How those tickets goin' for the "Meet Stormin' Norman" barbecue?" " It's a sellout, sarge." " Did you find a lookalike?" " We found one." " Ahh." "No wonder they call me a master sergeant." "You know, kid, things haven't always been this good." "When I first got my stripes at Fort Dix, naturally I considered it my responsibility to provide the hardworking men and women of that post with some wholesome recreation." " You ran the gambling." " That's right, Fender." "But there was this lieutenant there." "Lieutenant Colin Thorn." "A lunatic." "I mean, real smooth on the outside, but underneath... barbed wire." "He rode me like a jockey." "Pools, raffles, card games, I couldn't do anything." "It was like... being in the army." "All right, come on, baby." "Let's go!" "Come on!" "Hurry!" "Hi." "What did you do?" "Finally, I got a break." "They held the division boxing finals at our post." "You couldn't stop people from betting on it." "It was a toss-up." "Now, to me, that's just sloppy." "I like a sporting event in which I know the outcome beforehand." "It's more organized." "I get to one of the pugilists and we reach a business accommodation." "For a 50-50 split of all our winnings, he agrees to give less than a supreme effort in the squared circle." " You paid 'im to take a dive." " Of course." "I had this corporal working for me, Leo Cletz." "The night of the fight, I give 'im the money to pay off my fighter." "Leo misunderstands and gives the money to the other fighter." "This fighter's a little surprised, but figures "What the heck?" "It's a good price." "I'll go down."" "Meanwhile, my guy figures "Bilko meant I'll get the money after I take the dive."" " "No problem." "I'll go down anyway."" " So both fighters think they're takin' a dive?" " Exactly." " What happened?" "Boxing history." "For three rounds, nobody hit anybody." "It was a dance recital." "Finally, I think, out of boredom, one of the guys connected with a right." "What the hell's goin' on here?" "Lieutenant Thorn took it as a personal insult." " You okay?" "Did it hurt?" " Very cute." "It looked like Thorn was paying off the fighter." "He was cooked." "They decided they didn't have enough evidence for a court martial, but they shipped him off to Greenland." "Game, set and match..." "Bilko." " Some story, huh, kid?" " Permission to speak freely?" " Again, permission." "Okay." " I think you dealt with lieutenant Thorn very dishonestly." "Never mind that." "What happened to 'im?" "Thorn." "I don't know." "I don't know what happened to him." "Colonel John Hall, garrison commander." "Welcome to Fort Baxter, major." "Come right this way." "Doberman!" "Wake up!" "Come on, everyone!" "Up and at 'em!" "Come on, guys, let's not miss one minute of this beautiful day." "Hey!" " Get outta here!" " I'll get the sarge!" "That's it." "Now you guys gonna be in trouble." " Hey, sarge!" "Get up, hurry." " What's the matter?" "What's the matter?" "Everybody take cover!" "Gather all the men!" "Man the battle stations and..." "What's that music?" "I understand, major, this weapon system is in the experimental stage." "But I think you're gonna be very impressed with the... noise it produces." "It's a... powerful piece of equipment." "Colonel, I really urge you not to go ahead with this." "Ah, major Ebersole, major Thorn." "Major Ebersole is the brain behind the hovertank." "He's the one... really responsible." " Thank you, sir." " Can we get on with this?" "Of course." "You good to go?" "Well, all right." "Let's light this candle." "Hoo-ah!" "You know, with all the base closings and downsizing all around the country, a lot of people here have been a little jumpy lately." "Ready, colonel." "This is exciting." "Okay, start her up." "It still needs work." "Fire." "Of course." "Get out!" "Watch out!" "Watch out!" "Let's go, campers!" "It's 10 a.m. Time to start the day." " Mornin', sarge." " Doberman, it's that time of the decade." " You're takin' a shower today." " Do I have to?" "Everyone feels pretty strongly about it." "Here's the petition." "Aw, sarge." "What are you sittin' there for?" "You were full of energy at 6 a.m." "I don't think the guys like me." " Oh?" "What makes you say that?" " They wrote me a note." ""Wally, we don't like you." And they all signed it." "Yeah, that's Doberman's "X"." "Speakin' of Doberman, can I please have another roommate?" " Why, what's the matter with Doberman?" " He wet his bed." " Oh, well, once in a while." " No." "He did it from across the room." "Major, please!" "At least won't you stay for lunch?" " Do you like chicken casserole?" " No." "Well, major, let me be frank." "A negative report from you at this time would be the death knell for Fort Baxter." " See, we've been in sort of a slump lately..." " Nine years without a single successful test?" "That's not a slump, colonel, that's a tradition." "But, major, think for a minute a-about the men, their careers..." " My career." " Look, colonel, you play the hand you're dealt." "This isn't exactly the career I had in mind when I got out of OCS." "Shining a seat with my ass in DC, visiting every dumpy little post..." "I thought I'd be a colonel by now or maybe even a general." "Sorry, colonel." "What I saw today was a dust cloud that cost 70 million dollars." "Good morning." "Oh, wait!" "You know, there's a lot more to Fort Baxter than just RD, major." " We have an award-winning, hoo-ah, commissary." " Try the chicken casserole." "And our softball team won the division title last year." "And sergeant Bilko's platoon is in the glee club finals." "I'll certainly keep that in mind." "Did you say Bilko?" "Yeah." "Is that Ernie Bilko?" "One and the same." "Maybe I will stay for lunch." "Well, hoo-ah!" "Ignite that chicken casserole, captain Moon!" "Yes, sir!" "Now, where did that one go?" " Hey, you're eight over par, sarge!" " Well, fix it." " Sarge, they let you do this?" " I never asked." "They'd probably say no." "It is an army post." "All right, I got 5-1 on Lover's Knot." " 20 bucks says I can hit the parking lot." " I don't gamble." " Well, what is it you do do?" " Permission to speak..." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Go ahead." "I get up every morning and I get dressed to protect the American way of life." "Would you tell me that later tonight so I don't have to take a sleeping pill?" "Bilko!" "It can't be." "Lieutenant Thorn." " Actually, it's major Thorn now." " Well, congratulations." "Ernie, how are you?" "I didn't know you were still in the service." "I would have looked you up a long time ago." "I'll bet." "Tell me, colonel, is he still the same rascal he was at Fort Dix?" " That's one way of puttin' it." " You changed my life, friend." "Remember that little boxing match?" "Boxing match..." "Hm." "That made me a new man." "You remember how stiff and uptight I used to be?" "Well, thanks to this character, I discovered you can't treat people that way." "I'm a better man for it." "Thanks, Ernie." "Sure." " What was that?" " Greyhounds, sir." " How long will you be with us, major?" " Not long." "Well, colonel, what do you say we have some of that fine chicken casserole?" "Absolutely, and some jellied yams as well." "Ha." "Let's get back to the barracks and cancel everything." "The dances, the raffles, the mud wrestling and the obstacle course, everything." "God, I forgot it's the play-offs!" "Sarge!" "Here's the money from the blade rentals." "Stop, stop!" "Put that away!" "Stop, everyone!" "Stop!" "It's colonel Hall with major Thorn." "Looks like a surprise inspection." "An inspection?" "Now?" "Look at this place!" " ETA, 90 seconds." " Think." "Think." "I've got to think." "Where's Alpha company?" "Field exercises." "Um, which way are we... facing here?" "Uh, well... it would..." "would have to be... 'bout this one here." "Over hill, over dale we have hit the dusty trail" "As those caissons go rolling along" "And it's hi, hi, hee in the field artillery..." "Bilko!" "Ten-hut, platoon!" " Major Thorn would like to look over the barracks." " An inspection, sir?" "I wish we had a little more time." "We're not really prepared." "It just gives me a thrill to see what a first-rate top kick can do with a platoon." " Why don't we have them all stand by their rooms?" " Certainly." "Sergeant?" "Really, sir, if the glee club misses any more practice," "I'm afraid I won't be responsible..." " Answer the order and no more!" " Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!" " Is this your room, soldier?" " Yes, sir." "Follow me." "Who's this?" "It's the cast of my favourite TV show, sir." ""The African-American Hour."" "Oh?" "I've never heard of it." "It's on cable." "See, it's funny, but it also makes you think." "Ah." "Hm." "Are these yours?" "It is my understanding that you can no longer ask me these questions, sir." "It's a new army, major." "We're all adjusting." " Whose bunk is this?" " Uh, mine, sir." " That corner is not squared off!" " What?" "I told you to make this bunk!" "Now, I don't want any of your excuses!" "Now, drop and give me 20!" "Ha!" "All right." "One." "We're going for one." "Colonel, I must say, you're a very courageous man." "Oh!" "I saw a little combat duty in Kor..." "Courageous?" "What do you mean?" "Thumbing your nose at army regulations." "But I guess with you your men come first." " And 20." " My men?" "First?" " What does he mean, Bilko?" " This soldier, sir." "I'd say he's about 50 pounds over his maximum allowable weight." "What are the chances of that being discovered and your being blamed?" "Minimum?" "Blamed?" "Sergeant, I want this man at regulation weight within six weeks." "Have you got that?" "Yes, sir!" "Adelaide, of course we'll get married, sooner or later." "Nathan Detroit, after 14 years, it is already too late to be sooner." "I'm from Rhode Island, where people do not remain engaged for 14 years." " They get married." " Then why is it such a small state?" "Miss Robbins." "I don't get it." "Why would Adelaide stick around if he, like, disses her all the time?" "Doesn't she have any self-esteem?" "Well, that's a very interesting question." " Certainly is." " Ernie!" "What are you doing here?" " Did you get the flowers I sent ya?" " No." "Darn." "I'll call FedEx and have 'em put a trace on it." "That's right, sweetheart." "Nathan's a hustler." "He's irresponsible, and he's careless with the truth." "But there's one thing he never lies about:" "how much he cares for Adelaide." "See, that's his core, and she knows it." "Okay, let's take a break for ten minutes." "And that was... really good." "Wonderful." "Ernie, I've been thinking about it, and I don't think we should see each other any more." "Sweetheart, you promised to go to the Rusty Spur with me." " You never give up, do you?" " Come on." "Come on, sweetheart, go to the Rusty Spur with me." "It'd be like old times." "All right, but you've got 30 days." "If this finger is still naked in 30 days, it's adios, Pepe." "I mean it this time." "This... is your last chance." "Major." "I'm lieutenant Oster and this is  lieutenant Monday." "We're here from the Inspector General's Office, sir." "I asked for the best number crunchers in the army!" "I hope that's what they sent me!" " If there's been any malfeasance..." " Or embezzlement..." "We will find it." "This guy we're going after's been feeding off the khaki tit for years." "He's a master sergeant." "His name is Ernie Bilko." "Get 'im!" " Forget it, Bilko." " But, sir, the moment my boys heard about these desert manoeuvre, every one of them wanted to volunteer." "We still haven't got over being left out of Desert Storm." "How the orders got crisscrossed, I'll never know." "But if we could go on these manoeuvres, it would make up, in some small way..." "You must think I'm a nincompoop, sergeant." "A nincompoop?" "An NCP?" "On the contrary, sir." " I think you're one of the finest..." " Las Vegas." " What, sir?" " The desert manoeuvres are going to take place 15 miles from Las Vegas, Nevada." "Really?" "I had no idea." "Won't that be fun?" " Lake Mead, Hoover Dam." " Forget it, Bilko." "You've got bigger problems." "Two hatchet men..." "excuse me... hatchet persons from the Inspector General's Office are here to audit the motor pool accounts." " I wonder who tipped them off?" " Yes, I wonder." "Fort Baxter." "How may I direct your call?" "Motor pool?" "Listen, Bilko, I might tell you this whole post is skating on thin ice with hot blades." "Don't let them find anything." " Is the colonel suggesting a cover-up?" " A cover-up?" "Why, no." "Is there..." "anything to cover up?" "No... sir." "Good." "Then I'm-I'm not suggesting one." "Just... do... whatever it is you do to make these things go away." "In the last two months you billed the army for 72 windshields?" "Yes, well, that was a mistake." "You see, one of my men, private Bill Buttersworth, had a hairline crack in his glasses." " A crack?" " Yes, ma'am, a hairline crack." "So to him, it appeared as though all the windshields were broken." "I transferred him right out." "That's the way I am." "She's crazy about you." "Every time you're not looking, she stares." "You just missed it." "Sergeant, in the past two days we discovered a number of possible irregularities." " Now, if you can't produce receipts..." " She's staring at you again." "Oh, just missed it!" "There." "Nothing?" "You found nothing?" "Every ounce of my training tells me he's hiding something." "It seems like every time we're about to get our hands on something..." " It dissolves." " I know." "It's like tryin' to nail Jell-O to the wall." " No." "It's like watching a magician." " He's got you watching his left hand  and his right hand keeps pullin' rabbits!" "Well, then, let's tie his hands." "Ernie, will you dance with me tonight?" "Oh, that's up to you." "Remember the last time we danced, I accidentally stepped on your knee." " And what if they play our song?" " We have a song?" "Ernie!" "Don't you remember the very first time we...?" "How could I forget our song?" "When they play it tonight, you and I are gonna dance the most romantic dance we've ever danced in our entire life." " You promise?" " That's a promise from Ernest G. Bilko." "Baby, this is our night." "Just us." "Just you and me." "All night long." "No soldiers." " What do you wanna do?" " Let's go shoot some pool." " Oh, yeah." " Hey, sarge." "You're late!" "We've been waiting to celebrate the audit with ya." "Those bean counters didn't know if they were comin' or goin'." "I know, I know." "Sometimes I'm so damn good I scare myself." "Just us, huh?" " I'll go get us a couple of drinks." " Okay." "A scorpion and a brandy Alexander." "The future Mrs. "Permission to Speak Freely"?" "Oh, no." "I mean, I don't know her." "I never even..." "I..." "I don't know her." "Thank you very much, everybody." "Listen." "We'll be back in just a couple of minutes." " C'mon, I'll introduce ya." " You know her?" " No." " She's with someone." "A detail." " Ah, you must be in Bravo company." " No, Charlie company." " Charlie Company!" "Haven't you heard?" " Heard what?" "You're all shipping out." "Operation Vacuum Cleaner." "It's all I can say." " Operation Vacuum..." " Shh!" "I want this man's name." "I want it known that in this nation's moment of crisis, this man chose to sit here and eat bar nuts." " I didn't know!" " Go ye into the night!" "Hut, hut, hut, hut!" "All right." "Now I'll settle this." " Hm." " Excuse me?" "You're right." "Those are the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen." " Did he say that?" " Oh, yeah." "He said your eyes were like two diamonds sparkling on a clear summer night." "The old sergeant's eyes didn't see what he saw." "Anyway, here's the 20 bucks I bet you." "I think the least you can do is sit down and buy this young lady some dinner." "Sit down and buy dinner!" "Go!" "Hey!" "Ah, to be young again." " That's my sergeant." " Oh." "Oh!" "Major Ebersole, boys." "Welcome to the Spur." "Oh, I've been here before." "Uh... five years ago." "I had... a scotch and soda." "Well, good." "A place like this depends on repeat business." "They're repainting the old rags club, so we had to move our weekly poker game down here." "Poker." "I've heard wonderful things about that game." "Can I watch?" "You don't play poker?" "Oh, no, I'm pretty busy down at the motor pool all day up to my elbows in grease." "Maybe I could join..." "Oh, no, there's a problem." "I don't have any change." "We can make change." "It's okay." "Oh, goody." "I get to play cards." " Get you somethin'?" " Scotch, rocks." "Good-looking woman." "That's Bilko's girl." "Now she looks even better." "I'm dealing you five cards." " Five cards." "Let me write this down." " Yeah, okay." "Now, the worst hand that you can have is if you only have one high card and there isn't anything else that matches." " But then comes a pair." " A pair." "How exciting." "A pair." "Oh, thanks." "Have you seen Ernie?" " No, I haven't." " Will you hold this a second?" " Sure." " Thanks." "Excuse me." "Have you guys seen Ernie?" " No." " No." "Ernie?" "Ernie!" "I have three jacks and two sixes." "What's that called again?" " A full house." " What a cute name." "A full house." " Is that good?" " Yes, that means you win." " Again." " Oh, God, this is almost embarrassing." "What is that?" "Five in a row?" "What a lovely watch." "Now, let's see." "We'll just shuffle." "Oops." "Clumsy me." " Okay." "Cut?" "Thank you." " Hey!" "Sorry." "All right." "Okay." "Oh." "You hear that song?" "It means I gotta go." "Gee, I..." "I feel bad." "Can't I give some of this back?" "No, that would be wrong, wouldn't it?" "All right, well, I'll just, uh, take these IOUs... and the pink slip, and you can cash me out and I'll see you back at the base." " Ernie!" "Good evening." " Good evening, sir." "Excuse us, major." "Listen, Ernie, I don't know what's gotten into the colonel, but all of a sudden he's just decided to climb all over your sorry butt." "I'm afraid the party's over, Ernie." "Get back to the post." "I'd like to see you and your men on the parade ground tomorrow morning at 05:00 hours." " Yes, sir." "We'll be there, sir.Weather permitting." " What permitting?" "Who said that?" "It's payback time, Bilko." "Yes, well, if it's all the same to you, I'll just tell my girlfriend we're leaving." "It's not all the same to me, Bilko." "Move it!" "Hut, hut, hut!" "Hut, hut, hut, hut!" "This... solves nothing." "This solves everything." "You haven't seen someone called Ernie Bilko, have you?" "Oh, yes." "He left a few minutes ago." " Are you sure?" " Yep, I definitely saw him go, in quite a hurry." "You see, I happen to know major Ebersole offered him a poker game." "I can drop you off on my way back to the post." " This is very nice of you." " Not at all." "May I ask you..." " can I call on you sometime?" " Oh, well, you see, I'm..." "I just broke up with someone." " He must be devastated." " Oh... he doesn't know yet." "Fall in!" "Arrgh!" "And gather!" "Gather in... in a square!" "All right." "Good!" "All right, you've seen real soldiers before." "Just... do what they do." "All right, uh, let's do the "grab the rifle by the bottom" thing!" "Arrgh!" "All right!" "Now, let's do the, you know, the shoulder thing!" "Arrgh!" "The shoulder thing!" "Ah!" "Arrgh!" "Arrgh!" "Yes." "All right." "And now the... the "showing the rifle for the inspection" bit." "Go!" "Arrgh!" "Arrgh!" "Move it, move it, move it!" "Go, go, go, go, go, go!" "Dobie, come on!" "Come on, buddy." "No." "Nope." "I'm just so damn proud." "I can barely move my legs" "Do me a favour and kill me now" "Something, something rhymes with legs" "My life is over anyhow" " Sarge!" " Sarge!" "He's killing us!" " I can't do this." " What's the matter with you people?" "Generation X!" " He's killin' us!" " You've all gone soft!" " Get serious, sarge!" " I am serious." "I've been thinking about this." "You're Bilko's platoon!" "Whatever they dish out, we can take." "I want to see you two in my quarters." " Oh!" " Sarge." "I'm paralyzed." "I've no feeling from the hair down." "Make the bad man stop." "Who you calling?" "Rita." "At least the sound of her voice will make me feel better." "Ow." "Ow, ow, ow." "If any of this is frightening, just hold on to me." "They're dancing Raisinets." "And you don't find that frightening?" " Sarge?" "Sarge..." " What's the matter?" "I put on three pounds." "Funny, it doesn't show." "Luis!" "This calls for plan A." "That won't work." "He's on his way over now." "He says if I can't do ten push-ups right now, he's gonna move me out." "All right!" "Plan B." "Major Thorn, you look fantastic, sir!" "Have you lost w..." "Good work, Doberman!" "So, John, if you spoke to the officers and their wives, it would mean a lot." "They keep hearing rumours that Fort Baxter will be shut down." "Frankly, sweetheart, after this last hovertank disaster, I..." "I don't know what might happen." "Oh, dear." "I didn't realize it was that bad." "Well, you will think of something." "I have complete faith in you." "Thank you." " I'm sorry, I didn't realize you had company." " Quite all right, Bilko." "Colonel, you didn't tell me there was a movie star on the post." "Sharon Stone!" "The men will be so excited." " Bilko..." " We've seen all your movies, Miss Stone." " Frankly, they're a little racy for me." " Sergeant Bilko..." "Bilko, you know very well this is Mrs. Hall." "Mrs. Hall!" "Cradle robber." "You were dazzled by an older man, is that it?" " Bilko!" " Yes, my colonel?" "John, I will see you later." "Right this way, Miss Stone." "Uh..." "Mrs. Hall." " What is it, sergeant?" " Sir, if I could ask you one more time..." " These desert manoeuvres..." " All right, you can go on the manoeuvres." "If you had seen the look on the men's faces when I told them we wouldn't be going..." " I said I've changed my mind." " Zimmerman, little Zimmerman..." "I had to cradle him in my..." "We can go?" " Have a safe trip, sergeant." " Yes, sir." "We'll make you proud, sir." "Oh, sure." " Sarge, you're crying." " It's just... so beautiful." "All right, soldiers." "Prepare for manoeuvres!" "I had to kill a whole afternoon convincing colonel Dunderhead he'd be in trouble if Bilko didn't go on the manoeuvres." "You've got three days to get into this computer." "Find me everything." "If he stole a match, I wanna know about it." " Where we goin', sarge?" " Craps." "Start thinkin' of the changes you wanna make when we own this place." "Hey, sarge, I was just thinkin'." "Is it safe for us to be off the base?" " I mean, Thorn's gonna be up to somethin'." " You just thought of that?" "Relax, Fender." "Before we left, I had Luis encrypt all the files." "It'll take 'em years to break in." "We're in." "Good job." "Now, how far back do you want us to go?" "I'll tell you what." "You two kids have just been sensational." "Why don't you knock off for the rest of the evening?" "And do what?" " Have fun." "Unwind." " Hm." " Well, shall I...?" " No, leave it on for a second." "I'd just like to... check on one or two things, just out of curiosity." " Well, good night." " Good night." "I think it was very exciting, the way you broke into that computer." " It was?" " Yes!" " Can I buy you a drink?" " Why, yes." "Oh, oh, oh!" "There they go!" "Oh, my." "All right." "Now!" "Oh!" "Ouch!" "Oh!" "We're hot!" "They're hot." "Quick, quick, oh, cool 'em off." "Press, uh, press the, uh, six and the eight and the black ten." " All right, here we go." "And now..." " Oh, he's in the saddy, shakin' 'em off." "Uh-oh, he's comin' with the pitch." "It looks like the high, hard one!" "Ooh, baby!" "Oh, good." "Gently." "Okay, and now, it's just a little..." "It's easy, it's easy, it's easy." "It's just... behind the back." "Winner!" "We have a winner." "Wait a minute." "This chip is scratched." " Mr Bilko." " Yes?" "You seem to be having quite a run." "Is there anything we can do for you?" "Yes, go down to your vault and tell the rest of your money to be patient." "We'll be together soon." "You mean he stood you up before that night at the Rusty Spur?" "Mm-hm." "He left me standing at the altar." "There can be no excuse for that." "Oh, you'd be surprised." "He had a new excuse every time and they were all pretty amazing." " He did that more than once?" " Mm-hm." "Rita, you have a lot of love to give." "And you're smart." "Why put up with a clown like that?" "Because it was exciting." "Because, with Ernie, every day was anything-can-happen day." "Some couples play Scrabble." "This isn't a game we're talking about, it's your life." "Where I come from, when you tell a woman you'll marry 'er, by God you mean it." "You know something?" "I would never stand you up." "I'd never not call you..." "But then, I'm an officer with career prospects." "I can handle responsibility." "I guess you can." "Wouldn't you like a man who's always there for you?" "A man who wants to get married, settle down and have a family." "Yes." "I bought you this." " A ring!" " Two carats of cubic zirconia." "It's beautiful." "Oh..." "This is... happening... too fast." "I don't want to hurt Ernie." "No." "We really don't wanna hurt Ernie." " Now, that's when Vegas was Vegas." " Excuse me, Mr Bilko?" " He said it was an emergency." " Ah, emergency?" "This must be the Pentagon." "Hello?" "I can hardly hear you." "Rita Robbins." "She's been out with that guy Thorn every night." " Thorn?" " Yeah, since before you went on manoeuvres." "Tomorrow night they're going out for dinner to that fancy French restaurant in Roseville." "She's lookin' pretty weak, Ernie, I gotta tell ya." "Like she would do anything." " Thanks, Sowicki." " Bye, Ernie." " Thank you, Stan." " Hey, thank you!" "For allowing me the opportunity to screw with Bilko's head." "Oh, it isn't a game this time, Stan." "I just need to find out how much he really loves me." " He loves you plenty." " More than he loves Las Vegas?" " That's asking a lot." " Mm-hm." "Hi, this is Rita." "I'm not in right now." "Please leave a message." "Rita, it's me, Ernie." "I'm on my way home an'..." "I hear you're seeing Thorn and I just don't want you to take it too seriously, because he's only goin' out with you to annoy me." "Oh, I see." "He couldn't possibly be interested in me, that would be ridiculous, wouldn't it?" "Rita, you're there." "Look, this guy has terrible qualities." " For one thing, he's very manipulative." " He seemed pretty nice to me, Ernie." "Goodbye." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Rita?" "Rita?" "Why do you smell the cork?" " Your eyes are hazel, aren't they?" " Green." "I never have sex on the first date." "Thank God, it's our... third." "Oh, this is such a..." "Oh, can't you just... smell that... salad?" "Yes, I have a reservation." "Ah, this must be the table." "You know, what they do very very well here is the garlic." "Oh, I touched you." "My temperature is... rising." "Waiter, could we have two glasses of red house, uh... s'il vous please?" "In." " Bilko." "What a fool." " Yeah." "How can he afford to eat here on a sergeant's pay?" " I'll be a lieutenant colonel very soon, you know." " No kidding?" " That woman's kind of attractive too." " You think so?" "Well, not compared to you, of course." "Anyway, I understand the oysters here are... very, uh, very, uh... imported." "Just get me out of here as fast as you can, please." "Relax, Paparelli." "And if you wanna make Rita jealous, why not use Barbella?" "She knows Barbella." "I needed someone she can't recognize." "Someone... exotic, alluring." "Thank you." "Ah!" "Well, it's Rita Robbins and major Thorn!" "Ah!" "A-ha-ha, aha." "Um, excuse me." "One moment." "She's com... she's comin' over?" "She's comin' over?" "Ernie, you made Paparelli get into drag just to make me jealous?" "Well, actually, he was already in drag." "Paparelli, scram!" "Get goin'." "Rita, you can't marry Thorn." "You're not in love with 'im." "Think of the children." "I mean, you're a Catholic and he's an... asshole." "How would you raise them?" "And look, he's already cheating on you with Paparelli." "Hi, soldier boy." "Sowicki never told you I was marrying Thorn." "You told Sowicki to call me." "You manipulated me." "How could you?" "Why not?" "I have a master's in manipulation from the University of Bilko." "You tricked me." "You sucked me in." "This is the most turned on I've ever been in my life." "Rita, I'm so glad we're back together again." "Twelve more days." "Now, there's no wonder that the hovertank has never worked." "Yes, sir." "He's been diverting research funds into his own private account." "You know, Colin, for all the differences I've had with Bilko over the years," "I have to admit I've always kind of liked 'im." "The way he kept up the men's morale..." "The way he'd pretend to cry when I went on leave." "The way, every year, on my birthday, he'd have the men mow my name in the main lawn with a big heart around it." " But now I suppose I'll have to be a court martial." " Yes, sir." " Unless..." " Unless?" "It's just that I know we'd both do anything to spare Bilko a court martial." "If he could just be quietly punished." "Yeah, sure." "But... but how?" "The CO has certain powers, sir." " Powers?" " Can't he, for instance, have a soldier... trans... trans... atlantic?" "... trans... vestite?" " Transferred!" " What a wonderful idea." "Yes, well, the wheels are always spinning." "Of course, it would have to be somewhere where there'd be no chance of his ever making this kind of trouble again." "Greenland?" "!" "He's been out walking by himself for, like, four hours." " What's he doin'?" " He's thinkin'." " I thought I heard him crying." " Yeah, he even asked for a box of tissues." "I guess you're happy." "Yeah." "He hated the sarge." "He was probably helping Thorn to get 'im." " I was not!" " Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "This is Bilko we're talkin' about here." "Bilko!" "Nobody gets the best of Bilko." "Come on!" " That's right." " He's gonna think of somethin'." "Remember the time I got the letter from my wife sayin' she wanted to break up with me?" "Huh?" " Remember what Bilko did?" " He got your wife back?" "No, he got me another wife." "A better wife!" "Yeah!" "Yeah." "Right now, I bet the sarge is comin' up with his best Bilko plan ever." "Listen, I pity major Thorn." "When Bilko gets done with him, he's gonna..." " Sarge!" " Ten-hut!" "Hey, sarge!" " Sarge!" " Sarge!" "You've come back!" "Ah, Doberman." "The son I never wanted." "Fall in and look this way!" "Hello, soldiers." "I'm talking to you." "Because that's what you are, really." "Soldiers, every last one of you, with a couple of exceptions." " He's got a plan." " He sure does." "I wanna tell you a little story." "There was once a little boy... and that little boy had a dream to run one of the most sophisticated illegal gaming operations the United States Army has ever seen." " He's not worried." " Not a bit." "And that little boy's dream came true." "But now... they're trying to snatch that dream back from him." " He is worried." " That's not good." "But what are the last two letters in the name Bilko?" "K-O!" "Of course, the first are B-I-L, which is... meaningless." "But still, am I giving up?" "No!" "Never!" "Well, kind of, but not really, because there's... no way I am going to Greenland." "Well, you're probably wondering if I have a plan." "Well, of course I have a plan!" "A P-L-A-N." "Plan." "But..." " He's got no plan." " We're screwed." " I have a plan, sarge." " But maybe a plan is not what I really need!" "What I really need is just a little puppy." "A little puppy with big, brown eyes who'll just come to me and lick my face and just love me so much, no matter what kind of person I am." "Sarge, I really do have a plan." "Oh, so now, you have a plan." "Well, let's hear your plan, Wally." "What if the hovertank did work?" "That would prove you haven't diverted the money." "Oh!" "That is so stup..." "What?" "That would prove you hadn't been diverting the money." "Wouldn't it?" "Are you telling me you can get the hovertank to work?" "No, of course not." "But we don't need to be holdin' four aces if they think we holdin' four aces." "Permission to speak freely?" "Tell me a bit more about this plan, because I think that's actually kind of..." "If they come, deny everything." "Just act dumb." "Fender, I'm putting you in charge of that." "Ahem." "Oh... it's you, Bilko." "Sir, if I could talk with you just for a moment." "If you've come to talk about Greenland, you're wasting your time." "I must tell you frankly, sergeant, I'm disappointed." "Sir, all I ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work." " I didn't steal money from the hovertank, sir." " Please, Bilko." "Let's just say goodbye." "And... thank you." " For what, sir?" " Well, for... always makin' me feel like I actually ran this place." "Good old Fort Baxter." "I guess your garden is one of the things you'll miss most of all." "Ah, yes." "I-I love..." " Miss?" "Why miss?" " The colonel hasn't heard?" " Well, in that case, it must not be true." " What?" "Uh... they're closing Fort Baxter?" "You didn't hear it from me." "Take good care of yourself in..." "I've said enough." "Take good care of myself." "Where?" "Have you heard where they're sending me?" " You're stepping on your flowers, sir." " Oh, the hell with them!" "Bilko, where?" " Where are they sending me?" " It's just rumor, sir." "Oh, that fair skin under the burning desert sun..." "Oh... my God." "The desert sun." "Remember, if you get lost, travel by night." " How can they do this to me?" " I'm afraid the hovertank test was the last straw, sir." "Too bad they didn't schedule it this week." "Well..." " Goodbye." " Wha...?" "Wait!" " You mean the hovertank is working?" " Oh, I know what you're thinking, sir." ""Arrange a public demonstration ASAP."" ""Call the Pentagon and the Department of the Army."" " All-all right." " Well, I've already taken that liberty, sir." " Oh, thank you." " Oh, that picture of you, standing triumphant at the test..." "That'll keep me warm on those lonely nights in Greenland." " In Greenland, sir." " Oh." "Yes." "Well, goodbye." " Ah, Bi..." " Yes, sir?" "If the test goes well, you won't be transferred." "Well, thank you, sir!" "I'm stunned!" "Just as a formality, I've put that in writing." "If you could just sign... here and here, and initial here." " Here?" " Uh, no." "Here." "And I'll just notarize that." " And I'll waive the usual ten-dollar fee." " Oh." "Thank you." "Here you are." "Good day." "No, it'll hover." "But as before, it will go completely haywire if we attempt to... fire the cannon." "Well, we know that." "We just need a couple of hours with the hovertank." " Let's get started." " No, this is a 70-million-dollar piece of equipment." "You think I'm gonna just allow one of your men to fool around with it?" " I think not." " Oh." "Mm-hm." "Oh, boy." "Oh, my, oh, my, is it hot in here or what?" "I've..." "What's this?" "Oh!" "I almost forgot I had these." "It's the IOUs from the poker game." " Would he like to use my tools?" " That would be nice." " You saw it?" " Yeah, it blew up the old ammunition shed." " A perfect hit." " The hovertank?" " I thought that thing was busted." " Yeah, it was." "But the kid, Wally, he fixed it." "He said the key was the..." "The...?" "The fire-control and super-elevator board." " Imagine that." " Yeah, the fire control and super-elevator board." "And the great thing is, if it works at the demonstration, Bilko gets to stay." "Great!" "Yeah." " Wonderful to see you again, general Tennyson." " You, too, colonel." "Mrs. Hall." "And, of course, you know major Thorn, the IGG motor branch." "Thorn." " Tank crew ready, sir." " Very good, Bilko." "General  Tennyson, yes, I know, sir." "Master sergeant Bilko, sir." "It's an honor to meet you." " You look terrific!" "Have you lost weight?" " Who is this?" "Members of Congress, general Tennyson, colleagues from the defense industries, distinguished guests, welcome." "The weapon system you are about to see today... can be called the world's first truly all-terrain assault vehicle which I'm proud to say was developed entirely in-house, here at Fort Baxter." "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the armored attack platform to lead American defense forces into the 21st century." "The HTX-1 hovertank." "Water and rough terrain can stop an ordinary M1 or APC, but the hovertank can literally rise above these obstacles." "And that is the capability we will show you here today." "Hovertank, you are looking good." "Hovertank, fire when ready." "Hoo-ah!" "This little bird packs a deadly punch." "Fire in the hole!" " You hit the wrong button, Rastahead!" " I did not." "It's not my fault!" "He wired it wrong!" "Any questions?" "Congratulations, honey." " Home run, sir!" " Thank you, captain." " We're gonna rush this baby right into production." " Thank you, Congressman." "Jack, I thank you on behalf of a grateful nation." "I just can't wait to see what you fellas come up with next." "Wait!" "Wait." "The demonstration was rigged." "Ah, do I see politics in your future, sir?" "Perhaps a run at the Oval Office?" "Well, you know, I've never given that serious consideration." "Wait!" "General!" "He faked it!" "Didn't you see the gun was aimed at target three, but they blew up target four?" "Yes, I did." "Well, if you remember Einstein's theory, sir, space is curved." " Yes." " And these are smart weapons." "Oh, cut the crap!" "He faked it." "It's just one of his scams." "That's a serious charge." "Colonel, what about this?" "Well, general, I must tell you, in all my years in the service" "I have never, not once, publicly berated a fellow officer." "But I realize now that from the very first moment major Thorn set foot on Fort Baxter, he engaged in a personal vendetta against master sergeant Bilko." "I find his conduct inexcusable, and I'm gonna recommend an article 32 investigation." " I see." " You don't understand." "He doesn't know what's going on." "He never knows what's going on!" "This sergeant leads him around by the nose!" "Major!" "You are the most insubordinate officer I have ever met." "I am telling you, he's a boob!" "He doesn't get it!" "They faked the whole thing!" "I'd like to see just one piece of solid evidence to support these idiotic allegations." "Idiotic, huh?" "How's this for evidence?" "The fire-control and super-elevator board." "I took it out last night, so how can it work?" "So you deliberately sabotaged this project, major?" "I got it all on tape." "Lucky." " Whoo!" " Yeah, celebration time." "Chin-chin." "Cause I know Pap knew it, and I..." "Stand, troops!" " You're in the presence of a genius." " Hoo-ah!" "You're a total kingpin." "You actually got Thorn to sabotage something that already didn't work anyway!" "Yeah, well, I couldn't have done it without our Wally." "Where is 'e, where is the lad?" "Here, sarge." "I was just resetting the colonel's odometer." " I told you Wally was all right." " Okay." "Glee club." "Oh, well." "Very nice." "Aw, get up, Bilko." "Marry me, Rita." "I know I'm a long shot, but sometimes long shots pay off big." "Don't even ask." "I forgot it was daylight-savings time." "Can you believe it?" "Well, better late than never." " Poker?" " All right." "Nickel ante." "Let's make it interesting." "One hand of showdown." "If I win, we get married." "Ernie, I don't think that's such a good idea." "I've never known you to chicken out of a game... whatever the stakes." "You're on." "Well, well, well, what do you know?" " Full house." "Jacks over threes." " You cheated!" " No, I didn't if I wanted." "And we're getting married!" " When?" "Now!" "Daddy!" " Ow!" " Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the joining of these two good people in holy matrimony." "Rita Robbins, do you take Ernest T. Bilko to love, honor and cherish, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health..." " Think we're moving too fast?" " I do." " Let's go!" " And you, Ernest T. Bilko, take Rita Robbins..." " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I do." "By the power vested in me by the state of California," "I now pronounce you husband and wife." "You may ki..." "Ah."