"'Day 64.' '2.36pm.'" "'Space is in the Biodome.'" "'Marky and Veronica are by the pool.'" "'Joplin and Pippa are at the sofas.'" "I mean, you know, what is TV, anyway?" "It's just a big fat arrow pointing away from the problem." "Especially shows like this." "It's like the lead in the water pipes that sent the Romans mad." "Mmm." "I thought to myself, "OK, I can ignore it, or I can engage with and alter it from within."" "You know, and if just one person hears me and thinks, "Wow." ""I never saw it like that." "This guy's really opened my head,"" "then I've justified doing it." "You know?" "Do toes have bones in them?" "'Grayson and Angel are in the diary room.'" " Hello, Grayson." " Hi, Big Brother." " Hello, Angel." "How are you today?" " All right." "I'm pissed off and I'm angry, and we need your permission to kill someone." "Who would you like to kill?" " Who do you think?" "Wonderbra." " And her spastic henchman." "All right, so show me M and V looking really pleased with themselves, OK?" "The chawier the better." "And lose "spastic", otherwise Ofcom will be shitting blood for a week." " Who do you think?" "Wonderbra." " And her henchman." "Good." "And last night, you could hear everything." "It sounded like someone spanking a wet rat!" "And who needs to hear that?" "They even sound thick when they grunt." "OK, so mark that for their best bits." "Patrick." " Thanks... uh, what is it?" " Kelly." " That's the one." " They only had blueberry muffins." " Oi, oi, oi." "Fat camp!" " Oh, that's lovely." "I need this in 20 minutes." "If you're gonna answer that, make it quick." "Chloe's looking for you." " Yep, I'm on it." " Quick!" " Shit." "Shit." " You ignoring that, are you?" " It's Riq." " Oh, asking where you were last night?" " I told him." " You told him?" " Well, texted him." " Well, what did you say?" "I crashed at yours." "OK." "Glossed over a couple of details, then." "Yeah, me and Riq have been together for ages." "It's not my usual style, you know?" "You got pissed, you put your hand in the cookie jar." "You make it sound so innocent." "Yeah, but was it?" "Here you are..." "I will be back later for the highlights, you jammy cow." "Hiya." "That's your coffee." " Heya." " Hey." "Listen, what happened last night was a mistake." " Yeah, it was..." " We must be really stupid cos we kept repeating the same mistake till, what, half three?" "Yeah, thereabouts." "Yeah, cos I like to learn from my mistakes and I don't think we fully went through all the possible avenues for error, so..." "Dick!" "I'd like to go over it with you later, see if we can..." "Can you take Aisleyne to the BBLB room?" "Um, that's Sophie's job." "Yeah, she's still doing friends and family." "Fine." "When you're done with that, coffee, camera run, they're gasping." "Sorry, it's been a bit hectic here today." "There's champagne and stuff and tea in the room." "It's gonna be great." "Hey, Aisleyne." " Hello." " Everything all right, yeah?" "Looking after you OK?" " Who was that?" " Patrick, producer." " Do you want me to fire you?" " Shit!" "Um, sorry, man." "Man?" "Just do your job." "There's no-one even there." "Move the camera." "Oh, Jesus Christ." "ON TV: .." "Volleys of gunfire." "We hope to join them again for an update..." "'Authorities say they cannot guarantee the safety...'" "Hi, this is Kelly." "Not here to take your call right now, so if you leave me a message I'll get back to you." "Bye!" "'A cordon established around the immediate area has been expanded twice in the last hour." "It currently covers much of the surrounding...'" "What?" "'..a perimeter, preventing anyone from entering or leaving the area." "Eyewitnesses have fled the scene.'" "How you doin', fellas?" "Do you believe in reincarnation?" "Can't knock it, can you?" "I'll show you a good book that I'm reading." "Doing up my button." "Thank you, sweetheart." "Get your fucking baps out of that chair." "Now!" "37 minutes to go, minions." "Do you even know what a minion is?" "No?" "Don't look offended, then." "Where's Sophie?" "Anybody know where Sophie is?" "Hello?" "Excuse me." "Come on." "Gormless!" "Where's Sophie?" "Uh, Sophie." "Uh, she's picking up Pippa's mum." "Oh, fucking hell!" "She should have been here by 5.00." "Get her for me." " Sorry." " What's the latest?" "Um, numbers are way down." "There are network issues or something." " OK, so the headline is...?" " Well, Grayson is safe." "Marky is the favourite for the chop, but there's only a pixel between him and Pippa." "Oh, God." "Well, rather her than him." "Look at that." "Face like a Manchester morgue." "Wish they'd nominate you, sour flaps." "Is that your eviction outfit?" "Oi, Barbra." "I said, is that your eviction outfit?" "My name is Grayson." "G-R-A-Y..." "Y-M-C-A." "Oooh, Claire." "Voice of God." "This is Big Brother." "Could Grayson come to the diary room?" " Ha!" " What?" "!" " He started it!" " Oh, "he started it"!" "Oh, you're such an idiot." " You wanna drown me?" " You should come with subtitles." "Fucking had it with this northern twat." "Oh, God." "Talk about pleased with himself." "It's just post-shag euphoria." "You remember that." " What are you for?" " It's Sophie." "Tell me you are round the corner." "'Sorry, Patrick.'" "All the main routes were chocker." "Col's trying to work some back-road magic now." "You were supposed to be here..." "fucking three hours ago." " Yes." " Stop saying yes." "'Right." "Mm-hm." "Yep.'" "Now, you should have been here three hours ago, 'in friends and family, in hospitality,' with that fucking moaning Scottish bird's mother." "'Fucking sick of this!" "'" "Fucking get back here, pronto!" "No." "Pick that up." "Your boss isn't upset, I hope." "It's eviction night, so he's a bit stressed." "It's a very stressful line of work." "I've often thought that." "What's that?" "Right." "Shit." "Bye." "Fuck." "(Fucking hell.)" " Claire." " Yeah?" "They might bump tonight's show." " Why?" " Because of this shit." "One fucking estate on fire in Newcastle and a couple of policemen killed in Liverpool." "Oh, Jesus." "Stockwell, Cardiff, Portsmouth, all bollocksed." "If this gets much worse, we are gonna be bumped for a news update." "Brilliant." "Why do people riot, anyway?" "It's not the '80s." "You know, they've got distractions." "They should stay in, watch telly." "Just...that hat is so loud." "..What you on about?" "I'm just not feeling this no more." "Too many arguments." "No, what are you doing?" "Don't put that shit in there!" "Have you seen the factories where they make this stuff?" "!" " No." " Yeah, well, there's rats they can't kill because of all the preservatives in the steam." "You mean there's rats in there?" "!" "My God!" "I've ruined the food!" "Fucking Och Aye The Noo's off again." "Gollum set her off." "That's your eviction outfit?" "What?" "Yeah." "What - no good?" "Mark, you look like a div." " Is that a phone?" "It's a phone." " Coo-ee, it's for you!" "We can hear ya!" " This is Kelly..." " Find out who it is." "Jesus Christ." " Hello!" " Hello." "Hello, hello." "Hello!" "They're not allowed to do that, are they?" "I don't think so." "Hello!" "Hello!" "He's fucking gold dust." "Two for the price of one!" "He was in Big Brother with me." " Hello." " Bubble." "We fell over a chair?" "I didn't know what your question was, cos you kinda stuttered it. "Are you..."?" "He said to me, "Oh, how do you feel about your country?"" "And I'm thinking, "I'm African."" "My spirit was born in Africa but my body was born in Zimbabwe." " Hello?" " Oh, finally." "Look, Riq, it's eviction night." "It's not really a good time." " Guess who's been mugged." " What?" "'Someone's took the van.'" "Get this - a family flags me down, right?" "A mum, dad, kid, 'by the side of the road, right?" "'There's no car but I figure there's been an accident." " 'The kid's bleeding, yeah?" "'" " Jesus." "The mum pulls a knife." "The mum." "Fuck." "Are you all right?" "'Yeah, well, I pretty much nearly shat meself' and I'm stuck somewhere on fucking Arse-End-on-Tweed trying to get a train home." "Well, I don't know what I can do." "Yeah, I know, I know." "I'm just venting, you know?" "So..." "I've been trying all day." "Yeah, I know." "It's just been a bit mad." "Right." "So you gonna crash at Claire's again tonight?" "I don't know." " How'd this happen, Kel?" " Look, can we talk later?" "So you joined your little media cult and now you're getting rid of your excess baggage." "Is that it, Kel?" "'ls that it, Kel?" "'" "No, I..." "I just..." "Hello?" "Riq?" "Hello, hello, Queen D." "Oh, hey, Patrick." "Hey." "How are you?" "Um, well, I'm a bit concerned, actually." "Really?" "How so?" "Well, I heard that we might get bumped for the news." "No!" "No, no, no, no, no!" "Promise." "Yeah, well, not unless this really is the end of the world, which..." "Right." "OK, well, I'll keep my fingers crossed, then." "Yeah, and you break one of those rather lovely legs." "'All right." "Bye-bye.'" " How the fuck did she know that?" " I don't know." "You never spook..." "You never spook the talent, alright?" "Even if there is a mushroom cloud about to go off behind them, especially if they're about to go live, OK?" " It is page one stuff, Claire." " I didn't tell her!" "Davina will start talking." "When the music kicks in, that's your cue to go absolutely berserk." "Keep it going until you hear Davina talking." "All right, guys, stand by." "Hey." " Hey." " Have you got no signal?" " Mmm." " Yeah, no-one's got one." " Yeah, probably the wrong type of cloud." " Huh?" "I'm gonna try in the office." "All right, well, I'll see you in a bit, right?" "Hang on a minute, my sound has gone down again." "Where is the sound?" "Just move it back up." "Put 4 up." "Bring 4 up, for fuck's sake." "Move that camera off her." "I can't stand her fucking face." "Look at him." "Here we go - five seconds." "Make some noise!" "Come on!" "Anything?" "Nobody's picking up from the channel." "Fucking hell." "Sod it." "No news is good news." "Right, man the lifeboats!" "Come on!" "Grayson, Marky and Pippa - three little piggies but who's going to be squealing all the way home tonight?" "Someone's coming out!" "Hey." "You OK?" " Yeah, I'm fine." " Yeah?" "Dunno." "This job..." " I thought you liked it." " I do." "I just..." "All I do is fetch coffees." "But dunno." "The show and the crowds and everything..." "It's not really real, is it?" "Do you know what I mean?" "You don't really, do you?" "Kel..." "The bite's still bleeding!" " Try and stop it." " Can't we take him to the hospital?" "I'm trying to find one." "I can't get any signal." "There's a doctor at the studio." "We'll go there." "I'm now going to talk to the house." "Big Brother house, this is Davina." "You are live on Channel 4." "Please do not swear." "Bollocks!" " Grayson." " Yes?" " Marky." " Wanker!" "And Pippa." "The lines are closed, the votes have been counted and verified and I can now reveal that the next person to be evicted from the Big Brother house is..." ".. Pippa!" "My make-up..." "Pippa, you'll be leaving the house in 30 minutes' time." "OK." "Can't she go now?" "Fuck it." "I need some more Nicorettes." "Get...just get someone to get them." "He's not breathing." "He's not breathing!" "Kel." "Kel." "Yep?" "Sorry, but someone urgently requires nicotine gum." "Cool, I'm on it." "Shop's still open." "I can make it." "Ta." "Oh, and you still owe me those mucky details." "Yeah, cheers, thanks for that." "I'll go." "Are you sure?" " Hey." " Oh, hi." "Smells of fingering in here." "Joplin has literally worn that shirt the whole fucking time." "Imagine what that smells like." " Pippa?" " Yes?" "You have 30 seconds to say your goodbyes." "I'm coming to get you!" " You're gonna be fine." " It's gonna be all right." " All gonna be fine." " Davina will look after you." " Yeah?" " Yeah?" " You look beautiful." "Get Pippa out!" "Get Pip..." "Aw." "Say hello to my mum for me, yeah?" "Be brave." "1 0, 9, 8, 7, 6..." "Go, Pippa!" "..5, 4, 3, 2, 1." "Pippa, you have been evicted." "Please leave the Big Brother house." "Yeah, come off the garden." "Fucking hell." "Ladies and gents, it's Pippa!" " Fuck, I can hear booing." " They're going nuts!" "Shh, shh." "She'll be all right." "She'll be all right." "Listen, listen!" "Oh, my God!" "OK, so ginger snaps for the last time as Pippa leaves the building, but can she stay calm?" "We'll hear her tell us what she thought about her fellow housemates." "She didn't like them." "Find out after the break." "Big Brother house, the storeroom door is now open." "Bang on!" "Let it be booze!" "Come on!" "He had a thing with me, you know?" "What?" "Yeah, when we were on I'm A Celebrity." "We screwed in a hammock." "It was nice." "And welcome to Pippa!" "Oof." "I cannot imagine living next door to people like that." "They two had sex in the bedroom." " Joplin." "Joplin." " God, he is so boring." " But that's so mean." " But he's forty." "He's had his life." "Oh, my God." "Is that actually what Channel 4's putting out?" " Yeah, why?" " That." "Oh, get to fuck." "Hello." "Is it love?" "Is it love?" "Is it?" "Is it?" "No, he's just my friend." "We've just lost everything on the fucking screens." "We've lost everything on the screens!" "music:." "Grace Kelly by Mika" "Watch me vodka." "Don't!" "Fuck off!" "It's annoying!" "Don't!" "I'll give 50 quid to the first person who gets me an outside line." " For fuck's sake." " There's no mobiles working." "If he separates..." "Sorry." "Hello?" " Is my mum in here?" "Is my mum here?" " Hello?" "What's going on up..." "They're going batshit out there." "Yeah, that's the public for you, isn't it?" "They're animals." "I could be brown, I could be blue, I could be violet sky" "I could be hurtful, I could be purple, I could be anything you like" "Gotta be green, gotta be mean, gotta be everything more" "Why don 't you like me?" "Why don 't you like me?" "Why don 't you..." "Fuck!" "Fucking get out of the way!" "Humphrey, we're leaving K'ching!" "What's your boyfriend's name again?" "Your real one, that is." "What is your fucking problem?" "Danny?" "Oh, Romeo's back, is he?" "What happened?" "Stop it!" "Danny, no!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Oh!" "Go away!" "Fuck!" "Fuck off!" "You fucking cunt!" "Fuck off!" "Help me!" "Help." "Fuck!" "The head of the emergency services has claimed those responsible for the violence engulfing the nation are not technically alive." "Eyewitnesses describe dead or injured people apparently attacking one another en masse." "Police advice is to seek shelter immediately, barricade doors and wind..." "Oh, please!" "Please!" "Please!" "Please, go away." " All right?" " Mmm." "No alarm this morning." "Mmm." "Bit weird, innit?" "Aargh!" "Aargh!" "No!" "Hi." " All right, cheeks?" " Don't!" "Get off!" "I'm gonna make some eggs." "You want some?" "There aren't any." "Grayson had a fried-egg sandwich last night." "For fuck's sake!" "Right." " Oh, come on." " Oh, Marky, don't..." "What the fuck?" " That's for the eggs." " What do you mean, eggs?" "You having the last of the eggs!" "Fuck this." "I'm out." "Oh, for God's sake!" "Marky, just drop it." "Drop it!" "Stop showing off for your girlfriend." "You are so cunt-struck, I'm surprised you're not..." "You're disgusting!" "What's Grayson done?" "Eaten an egg." "Aargh!" "Hello?" "What skanky bloodclart chief" "left their cigarette butt in this motherfucking cup?" "Huh, yeah." " How long have you been awake?" " 'Bout half an hour." "You haven't had your mike on all that time?" "Thanks, Big Brother!" "Why didn't you say something?" "Just leave it." "Big Brother's gonna give you a red card for that." "Will you just calm down?" "!" "For fuck's sake, Mark!" "What you doing?" " Something is wrong!" " What?" "No mikes, no alarms... ..and the cameras ain't moving." "Big Brother ain't watching us." "Shit." "Shit." "Aargh!" "Aargh!" "Aargh!" "This ain't right." "No cameras, no fucking point." " They might be broken." " All of them?" " Could be electrics." " They're doing it on purpose." " Yeah, like a task." " Where the cameras don't move?" "Like that's gonna be entertaining." "They want to see how we react to a sudden absence of authority." "Well, it's freaking me right out." "That's what they want." "Don't give it to them." " We're not freaked out!" " I am!" "Give me the answer." "Tell me what's going on." "Big Brother, man, what the fuck...?" "Look, we've been really good, playing games." "We just wanna know what's going on." "Hello?" "If the cameras don't start moving any minute, I'm walking." "Remember I told you..." " I'm going on the roof." " We're not allowed there!" "Exactly!" "If they don't stop me, we'll know something's definitely wrong." "They'll throw you out!" "Just leave him!" "Let 'em throw him out!" "You know what?" "Fuck 'em." " Oh, my God!" " Look!" "That's what it is!" "They've given us a new housemate!" "Oh, fucking hell." "Unbelievable!" "See, I told you!" "Course it is!" "Look at her!" " She's a bit strange." " What's your name, then?" " Uh..." " Coo-ee!" "Hello!" "What's she doing?" "Hello?" "Fine." "Whatever." " Are you a mong?" " Shh!" "She might be." "Is that fake blood on her?" "Don't listen to them." "They're idiots, sweetheart." " I wouldn't bother, Gray." " Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Let Joppers in." "Come on, Jops." "Um, 'hello'." "My 'name' is Joplin." "And I'm 'happy' to 'meet you'." " There's one in there." " One what?" "Have you been outside all this time?" "Can I ask you a question?" " How am I coming across?" " Oh, you big queen." " Am I popular?" " Yeah, you're the favourite." "Ha!" "No autographs for you." "Hear that?" "I'm the favourite!" " This is such a put-on this!" " Is that fake blood?" "Shut up." "You must try harder." " I said shut up!" " All right." "She's mental." "Look at her." "Her mechanism's gone." "It's just attention-seeking." "Ignore her, she'll stop." "Fuck." "Jesus." "Fuck!" "Fuck." "Did they give you specific instructions, or just tell you to come in and act weird?" " I'm not acting." "I work here." " What, as a window-cleaner?" "Something's happening." "Some sort of outbreak." " Oh, here we go." " Just let her talk." "OK." "Go on." " People get this thing." " Thing?" "They wanna kill you, and they change." "And then their bums fall off." " What do you mean, they change?" " I dunno." "They're dead." " Dead?" " Sorry, what did you say?" "They're dead." "They're dead, and they're still alive." "They're everywhere." "That's what I'm trying to tell you." " There's one in here." " This is quality, this is." "Hammer House of horseshit." "You're brilliant, you." "Come on, now." "That's enough." "Oh, dear." "Oh, fuck!" "Not you!" "Fuck, not you!" "Fuck, shut up!" "Shut up!" "Is that Davina?" "Sort of." "Get off my fucking suit." "Dear Big Brother, may I say how impressed I was at your inclusion of a clearly mentally unhinged woman into the house?" "Maybe something has happened." "I just wanna know, is that fake blood?" "I just wanna know." "Even if she's not mentally ill, this is in very poor taste." "You seriously think there's a bunch of dead biffers strolling about, eating people?" "They're coming to get you, Barbara." "Well, I just want it noted that I do not approve of this." "Shut up!" "Shut up, you fucking idiots!" "You fucking idiots!" "I'm trying to tell you there's one in there!" "Calm down." "Just calm down." "Oi, mate!" "Mate!" "You're live on Channel 4!" "Don't swear or say "fuck" or nothing!" "Maybe he's deaf and dead." "Hello?" "Hello?" "No, can't hear anything." "Don't do that." "There's nothing here." "Marky, get away from that." "It's the fire exit." "Don't open that door." "What, this door?" " Open that door and I'll stab you." " What?" "Marky, don't wind her up." "Seriously, she's fucking weird." "Shut the door!" "Shut the door!" "Shut the fucking door!" " Close it!" "Fucking close the door!" " Marky, close it." "You fucking well better close the fucking door!" "All right!" "Fucking hell!" "What you gonna do with them?" "Sorry." "I'm just having a look." "screaming" "In the head." "You've got to get them in the head." "Big Brother house, this is Davina." "You are live on Channel 4." "Please do not swear." "Mark that for the best bits." " Patrick." " Thanks, er..." "What's it?" " Kelly." " That's the one." "You got pissed, put your hand in the cookie jar." "You make it sound so innocent." "Riq, it's eviction night." "It's not really a good time." " Guess who's been mugged." " Fuck." "Are you all right?" "They might bump tonight's show." "Because of this shit." "The next person to be evicted from the Big Brother house is..." "How'd this happen, Kel?" "Pippa!" "What's your boyfriend's name again?" "Your real one, that is." "What's going on up...?" "Danny." "Something's happening." "Some sort of outbreak." "People get this thing and...they change." "They want to kill you and..." "Big Brother ain't watching us." " No, go the other way." " Patrick!" "Go the other way." " Is that Davina?" " Sort of." " There's one in there." " One what?" "In the head!" "You've gotta get them in the head." "Fucking hell." "Hello?" "Ha, no, this isn't happening." "No, this is not happening." "And if it is happening, then it's not happening to me." "Because that's it, OK?" "Is this the way out?" " No, don't." "No, no." " No, no." "Hey, you, whoever you are!" "All right, I don't care if that is part of the programme or not," "I am not staying here!" "Listen!" "Listen to me." "Calm down." "We're staying here." "Really." "There's got to be somewhere we can go." "Trust me." "Outside, it's a bad idea." "How bad?" "Who are they?" "Her name was Claire." "And they're dead." "Yeah." "It's got to be some terrorist bollocks." "They've released some loony gas." "Loony gas?" "You got a better explanation?" "The government or army must have tested something they shouldn't." "What?" "Like GM food or something?" "Maybe." "Or wi-fi." "God knows what that does to your molecules." "Does this mean we're not on telly anymore?" "Oh, what?" "Hello?" "That's not your bag!" "You shouldn't do that!" "Stop bleating." "Fucking hell." "How do you turn this thing on?" "Fucking robot's bollock." "There's no signal." "Let me see." " There's no signal." " Give it to me." " Why?" " Because I'm asking, you foetus." "Oh, my God." "You're so rude!" "I think we should stay here until the police come." "Yeah?" "Why don't you start compiling a book of your fucking theories?" "Fuck off!" "Fuck off!" "Go on, stick around!" "Oh, fucking hell." "Oh, Jesus." "The hummus ones are off." "Shut up!" "Shut it!" "What the...?" "Fuck!" "I'm not..." "I'm normal!" "I'm normal!" "I'm normal!" "I'm a normal person!" "I'm a..." "I-I'm standing up." "I'm standing up." "I'm a normalite." " Are you the police?" " Open the door." "Ah, that's disgusting." " Are you alone in there?" " Huh?" " Anyone else in there?" " No, no, no, no." "Get some fucking supplies." " What?" " Get some fucking supplies!" " What?" "Like water and...?" " Now!" "OK." "Ow!" "You're gonna be OK." "Before the news went off, it said to barricade your doors." "I don't know how long this will last." "Give us a fag." "Short supply." "You've got 60 stashed under your bed." "Yeah, well, I was saving them for a special occasion." "Merry fucking Christmas." "Where'd you get the gun from?" " eBay." " Really?" " Well, where did you drive from?" " Clapham." " I live in Stockwell." " Not now, you don't." "Is this happening in London and all?" " Do you want to get out and walk?" " No." "Well, then, be useful." " I don't know where we're going." " The coast." "Which coast?" "Whichever's nearest!" "But I don't know where we are now." "Shh!" "Oh." "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Well, open the fucking...the..." "Open the boot thing, fucking bonnet thing." "Come on, hurry up." "DOOR closing" " Lift the bonnet." " Pop it." "Left my tools in the van..." "There's hair and skin and shit in your car." "It's not my car." "I hit one of those things." "Can you fix it?" "I'm just trying to work out what's wrong with it first, all right?" "That knocking noise could be... .. it could be water in the distributor." "Are you sure that was one of those things?" "No." "Are you fixing that?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I'm on it." "Just, um..." "I wish you'd stop huffing." "You'll use up all the air!" "It's not a submarine, you specimen." " Do you know how air works?" " Well, you've just wasted more air!" "Do you even understand what is going on here?" "Or is the whole world just colours and shapes and the occasional noise in your head?" "Oh, stay out of it." " It's getting dark." " I know." "So hurry up." "You know, this whole relentless criticism thing of yours is really fucking sexy." "How am I gonna do this?" "That will attract more of them so get a move on!" " What's happening?" " She's going into shock." " She got bitten, not shot." " Get back." "You've done enough." " Hold her down." " What?" "Hold her down!" "But she's one of us!" "She's one of us!" "OK." "OK." "Should we, um, you know, take her outside?" "What?" "With those things out there?" "Fuck off." " We can't do that." " She's dangerous!" "She's OK while she's still alive." "We need to move her into the greenhouse." "We're not moving her." "She's in shock!" "If she dies, she becomes one of them things in here." "Outside, she's trapped." "We're not fucking moving her." "She's right." "We've got to move her." " Fuck off." " Come on." "Come on!" "Shit!" "Fuck!" "Look, if you can't fix it..." "You know what?" "I'm just trying to get my head around this whole end-of-the-world thing." "It's not my usual environment, so..." "The sooner you come to terms with it, the more chance you've got of surviving." "I am surviving." " And it's not easy!" " What have you done?" "You've done nothing." "I've had a van stolen," "I been chased by fuck knows," "I've hid in a garage while I've been shot at." "At!" "Have you shot anyone?" " Have you had to do that yet?" " No." "Have you shot a friend?" "How about a best friend?" "Have you done that?" "Have you?" "Have you pulled a trigger and seen your best friend's head explode and walked around in a dream with her blood running down your face and in your mouth picking shards of skull from your jumper like cat's teeth?" "Have you done that?" " Have you?" " No, I can't say I have." "No." "Right, don't talk to me about surviving until you have!" " I won't." " Good." " Oh, shit." " Prick." "Whoa, hey, I can hear something." " Oh, shit!" " Fuck!" "Run!" "Fuck!" "Fucking hell!" "Oh, fuck!" "Run for the house!" "Hey!" "Alex!" "Come on!" "Fuck!" "Oh." "That's for not fixing the car." "I think we should check out the house." "How many bullets have you got left?" "One." "Right." "At least we know we're alone, then." "Ooh." "Oh, fuck, I need a slash." " What?" " I need a slash." " Phew." " But the toilet's out there." "Yeah, I know." "You're not going in here!" "Just turn your back." "Why don't you hold it in?" "I've been holding it in." "Just turn away!" "Oh, my God!" "That's disgusting!" "Oh!" "Oh, my God!" "It stinks!" " Oh, shut up." " Eugh!" "Be careful as you put her down." " Tie her up." " Why?" "It's a precaution." "Just focus on her breathing." "Get your new girlfriend out of here." "Shut up." "Look, it's imperative that you keep her alive." "Do you understand?" "I'm a charge nurse." "You don't have to tell me." "Can you keep her alive?" "Can you?" "Yeah, I can." "But I need more than this shitty first-aid kit!" "I need haemostatic dressings, epinephrine, morphine." "Basically, I need a pharmacy." "Can you get me that?" "It's my fault." "Angel, stay with me." "Angel." "You know where we can get that medical stuff from, don't you?" " If you do, you need to let us know." " Yeah." "If you can get us some of that we might be able to do something." "All right, I do." "I know!" "Bollocks!" "Look, it's out there." "Supermarket out there with a chemist with all sorts of prescription stuff." " That's exactly what we need." " That's perfect." "No, it's not perfect cos it's out there." "How far is it?" "It's close." "I really wish I didn't know that." "Through the gates." "It can't be more than a mile." "Used to get the producer's nicotine gum from there." "The lightweight." "We can do that on foot." "It's too risky." "See that van?" "Yeah." "I've got the keys." " Nice one." " Mmm." "Don't get too excited." "That's part two of the plan." "What's part one?" "I don't know." "We need to get past these lot first." " We'll just run for it." " No, we won't." "Well, we might make it." " We might think of something else." " You'd better think of some..." "What was the name of that show with the sheepdogs?" " What?" "One Man And His Dog?" " Yeah." "Yeah, that's the one." "I used to love that shit." "Come on!" "Over here!" "Yeah!" "Does this house have a back door?" "Yeah." "Come on." " Here." " Oi!" "Come on over here, you wanker!" "Come on, then!" "Come on and get me, you decomposing fucks!" "All right!" "Come on, then!" "Come on, then!" " If she dies before we're back..." " Don't say that." "If she dies... .. be sure..." "..through the brain." "You have to." "All set?" "The gate!" "The gate!" "Marky!" "Get in the van, Marky." "Get in the van!" " Go!" "Hurry!" "Get in it!" "Hurry!" " Shit!" "Shit!" "Go!" "Go, go, go!" "Get in the van, Marky!" "Hurry up!" "Yes!" "I don't care if that's part of the programme." "I'm not staying here!" "Trust me." "Outside, it's a bad idea." "Fuck off!" "Who are they?" "The government or army must have tested something they shouldn't." "Does this mean we're not on telly anymore?" "I wish you'd stop huffing." "You'll use up all the air." "Do you even understand what is going on here?" "Or is all the whole world just colours and shapes and the occasional noise in your head?" "Get some fucking supplies." "Now!" "If she dies she becomes one of them things in here." "Outside, she's trapped." "She's right." "We've got to move her." "At least we know we're alone, then." "Can you keep her alive?" "Yes, I can." "But I need more than this." "The contents of a pharmacy." "Can you get me that?" "You know where we can get that medical stuff from, don't you?" "Supermarket out there with a chemist will all sorts of prescription stuff." " How far is it?" " It's close." " No!" " Shit!" "Shit." "Get in the van, Marky." "Whoa!" "Take this right, this right." "Around the back it's safer." "It's clear for now." "Keep the engine running." "If you see anything, you bang that horn, right?" "Cool." "Let's go shopping." "This'll come in handy." "TV went off the first night." "Oh, God." "It's the 'Big Brother' live feed." " They must've evacuated the studio." " Hurrah." " My girlfriend works there." " On that?" "Yes, and I'm worried about her." "Well, if the house is empty, then she'll have been evacuated too." "I guess so." " What was that?" " Sh." "Ugh!" "Oh, my God." "Sick." "I wish there was a bloody clock in this place." "Yeah." "Here." "Sh." "What you poking me for?" "Acupressure." "Good for tension." "Not now it's not." "(It's over there.)" "(Come on.)" " What did he say?" " Sh." " Do you understand him?" " Shut up!" "'Abri', that means 'shelter'." "I'm sorry." "Ange?" "No way!" "No way!" "Check that out." "I'm only on the front cover of 'Heat'!" ""Cheats ex with..." "Rubbish in bed..."" "No." "What the...?" ""Desperate fum..."" "What a load of shit." "They don't half put a load of shit in that magazine, eh?" ""Rubbish in bed"?" "I'm mint in bed." ""Not as funny as he thinks"?" "I'm well funny." "OK." "Er, don't mention that to anyone when we get back in the house." "Yeah." "Mate!" "Mate, over here." " Get down on your knees!" " Get on your knees!" " No, no." " Get on your fucking knees." " I don't wanna stop..." " Get down!" " All right, all right, all right." " Stay down." "All right, all right." "So what we gonna do with him, then, Den?" "I haven't made my mind up yet, Bob." "Hang on." "You're that...you're that fella off 'Big Brother', ain't ya?" "Yeah, no, no." "It is." "He's that sort of black one, you know." "I dunno." "I don't watch it." "You know, you're shorter in real life." "Well, he's on his knees, isn't he, Bob?" "Look, mate..." "I'll ask the questions." "What you doing here?" "I'm just getting supplies, medical supplies." " So you're looting?" " No...no, I'm not looting!" "So you're looting!" "Given the circumstances, we'll let you off with a caution." "So, what?" "Can I get up, then?" "Yeah?" "Well, you could say thank you." " Thank you." " Where you going?" "Butlins?" "Not planning a countryside tour, I hope." "That would be a mistake." "Have you got somewhere to hole up?" "Where do you think?" "What?" "Big Brother house?" "'Ere, is that, um..." "Veronica still there?" "Yeah." "Oi, mate." "She is well fit." "Er, Veronica..." " Yeah?" " Er, would you like a cup of chai?" "All right, thanks." "Sorry, is that "All right, thanks", as in you would like one or "I'm all right, thanks", as in, "I wouldn't"?" "Second one." " No, sorry." "It... it..." " I don't want one!" "Right." "OK." "Can't you untie me?" "Please, Grayson." "Here." "That's better, huh?" "I know you're there, Joplin." "You know, you should have just asked me for a quick flash, cos it's the end of the world and I might have felt sorry for you." "But you didn't...which is a shame." "Cos what you're doing is a bit creepy, innit?" " Oven chips?" " They're essential." "So if there's a power cut, you gonna eat them frozen?" "Er, if there's a power cut, they'll defrost." "What?" "And you'll eat them cold and mushy?" " Wouldn't be the first time." " OK." "Come on." "Hurry up." "Sh." "ROARlNG Shit, shit, let's go." "Ain't there somewhere we should be trying to head for?" "Like where?" "Well, I dunno." "Who's in charge?" "You haven't heard, have you?" "Stay there!" "Run to me!" "Fuck!" "Come on, please, Den." "It's only a little one." " Look at me." " A bite's a bite, Bob." "Sorry, mate." "I really am sorry, mate." "I had to do that." "There's nothing else you can do for a bite." "You die, you come back as one of them." "That's how it works." "And it works fucking fast." "All right." "Just put that thing down!" "If you lot hadn't been pissing round in the first place..." "The advice was, "Stay indoors."" "Or don't you watch telly?" "What's that?" "Is that a bite?" "No, no, no!" "No, it's not a bite." "It's not a bite." "He's telling the truth, I swear to you." "He's telling the truth." "Back off, sunshine." "No!" "It's not a fucking bite." "It's not a bite." "Bollocks." "I'm not taking the chance." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Come on." "We gotta go." "Come on." "Now!" " Babe, let's go." " Oh, shit." " Go!" "Go!" "Go!" " We gotta get out!" " Fuck!" " Come on!" "Shit." "Oh, my God." "Grayson!" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Hurry!" "Hurry!" "Hurry!" "Fuckin' help me!" "Oh!" "Help me!" " Shit." " Look, we had no choice, all right?" " Do you hear me?" " He's right, yeah." "It was him or us." " She can't get out." " Leave her." "She's one of them now." "What do I do?" "Tell me what to do." "Fucking help me!" "He's dying right here!" "I don't know what to do, Joplin!" "Joplin!" "Oh, you gotta be joking." "What?" "Just close the fucking door." "Close it!" "Close it!" "Don't leave me with him!" " I'm not." " You are!" " Stay there!" "Oh." "Mmm." "You snore." "You're a snorer." "Oh!" "Whoo." " Oh, God." "You're not gonna be sick?" " No." "Oh, no!" "You're not doing that in here." "Oh, no!" "It's horrible!" " Put your fingers in your ears." " Oh!" "I hate you!" "I hate you!" "Go, go, go." "Oh!" "God!" "Ooh-ooh-ooh." "Urgh." "Oh, I want my mum." "Oh, it's disgusting!" " Shut up." " I hate you!" "Shut up." "Oh, fuck." "Oh." " God, it's disgusting." " Just shut up." "You finished?" "Pass me a napkin." "There's a napkin by you." "Pass me that fucking napkin now!" "Fucking take it." "I don't like this." "Glad you applied?" "I hate you." " It's a shit." "Oi." "So I rush him with the duvet, yeah, pin him down with this, and you do him with the knife." " Oh, no." "No way." "No." " What, then?" "Then you rush him with the duvet and I'll stab him." "Which is it gonna be?" " I can't." " Joplin!" "We ain't having him run around out there, all right?" "Marky and that are coming back from the supermarket, through that door." "We've got to get rid before that happens, or he'll kill them all." " I told you that I can't." " There isn't any choice, you dick!" " What you doing?" " Don't stop, for chrissakes." " We gotta shut the gate." " What?" "They're gonna keep pouring in from outside if we don't shut the gate." "We might as well do it while we're here." "Seize the day, and shit." "OK." "Yeah, well I'm the driver, innit?" "God..." "Great." "Great." "Come on, come on." "Shit." "Kelly, get in, get in!" "Go!" "Go!" "Right." "Now, focus." "Yes, yes." "I'm trying to focus." " OK, I'm trying to visualise..." " Fuck that!" "Just make sure you pin his head down under that." "Cover his teeth." " But what if he gets loose?" " Well, do it right and he won't." "Yep, but what if he does?" "Then he'll probably kill us!" "What do you want me to say?" " Stop being a nine-year-old." " Yeah!" "OK." "Yeah, all right." "OK." "Great!" " Let's just get this over with." " All right." "All right." "Bang that end." "Gray!" "Arggh!" "Ugh!" " What are you doing?" " Ugh, ugh!" "It's stuck!" "It might come back on." "They said it won't." "Well, there's gotta be other people out there heading for the coast." "I've told you." "The ports are overrun, and if anything, it's worse over the Channel." " Face it." "We're on our own." " Well, well." "Shit." "We should check the walls out there." "Make sure they're secure." ""Really, Alex?" Yes, Tariq." "Why torture yourself?" "Look, if there's still a signal..." "I dunno." "There's..." "It's a big studio." "She could have found somewhere." "You been with her long?" "Is four years long?" "Beats my record." "And it would have been five next month." "If we'd made it to next month." "You love her." "Does that make me some kind of pussy to you?" "No." " Quite stupid, ain't they?" " Not the brightest bunch." "Can't even get out the side." "Don't know they're dead." "Good old British public." "Yeah, you're right." "You're all right." "They're thick as shit." "So, as long as we're still breathing... ..we're smarter than them." "And that's why we're gonna beat 'em." "People!" "People!" "Other people." " Shit." " We're not the only ones!" "We're not the only ones." "They're miles away." "May as well be looking at cartoon characters." "That's her!" "That's her!" "That's her." "She's alive." "That's my girl." "That's her." "That's her." "She's alive." "Good girl." "Good girl!" "Good girl." "Kel." "Kelly!" "Kel, oh." "That's a girl." "Good girl, Kel." "She's alive." "Kel." "Oh...oh..." "That's her." "She's alive." " It's the Big Brother live feed." " Hurrah." " My girlfriend works there." " On that?" "Yes." "And I'm worried about her." "You're that fella off Big Brother, in't ya?" "You know, you're shorter in real life." "It's not..." "Bollocks." "I'm not taking the chance." " No, please." " Aargh!" "Aargh!" "Sorry." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Hurry!" " Are you gonna be sick?" " No." "No!" "You're not doing that in here!" "Gray!" "They're gonna keep pouring in from outside if we don't shut the gate." "As long as we're still breathing, we're smarter than them, and that's why we're gonna beat 'em." "That's her!" "She's alive!" "Good girl." "Good girl." "We've caned these." "Don't give me no more." "No problem." "Why do they keep coming towards the house like that?" "I'm glad they do." "Easier to pick off." "Yeah, but why?" "Some kind of primitive intuition, maybe." "They feel the need to be near us." "Don't forget, this place used to be like a church to them." "Maybe they can just smell bullshit." "Get him." "Right, that's the last of 'em." "Clear for now." "Just the ones we can't see and those at the gates." "Fuck this." "Fuck this." "Yes." "Right." "Right." "Right, right." "That's a light machine." "It's not a machine, it's a lamp." "Well, it lights up the room." "Well, it's dead now." "It's bad for the environment, wasting light." "I'm not wasting it." "I'm turning it into something else." "What, like recycling?" "If you like." "Then that's OK." "It's only 36 miles." "That's a long way on foot with those things around." "I'm not just going to sit here, am I?" " You won't make it." " I can't not try." "I mean, I can see her, do you know what I mean?" "Look, I can't just stay here and play farmhouse kitchen with you." "Look, we've got to think long-term." "No." "We're away from the cities." "There's a wall around these grounds." "We can eat veg from the garden and catch fish in the river." "What river?" "Stand up." "Fucking stand up." "Stand up!" "Go over to the door." "Move!" "Listen to me." "Stand there." "Put your hand on the door, on the fucking handle." " I don't like it." " Shut up and listen." "You're gonna open that door and you are gonna slam it, fucking slam it on her when she's halfway in." "Do you understand what "halfway" is?" "Do you understand?" " Say, "Yes, I understand."" " Yes." "Then are you ready?" "I don't like it." "It is this, or we take it in turns shitting in the bin until we starve to death." "Does that appeal?" "No?" "Then are you ready?" "Do not fuck this up." "All right?" "Get ready." "Now!" "Oh, my God." "You killed her." "You've killed her." "You've killed Davina." "I hired her." "I can do what I like." "Oh, my God." "Result!" "Why didn't you tell me this ran into the grounds?" "You're the genius with the map." "This is the Blackwater." "Runs around the back of the studios." " Yeah, so?" " That's fate, that is." "We're safe here!" "And I have got to go." "Well!" "You can't just stay here on your own." "Alex!" "I packed your bag." "Thank you." "What's with the axe?" "Where's the gun?" "No ammo." "There is." "You said there's one bullet left." "I only said that to make you feel better." "What would you have done if one of those things was in there?" "Outrun you." "Right." "Heat." "Pressure." "Nuts." "Zoo." "Nuts and Zoo man?" "Now that is the axis of wanking." " Oh, Nando's." " McD's." " Classy." " Let me tell you something, yeah?" "When you wake up and you've got a massive hangover, there is nothing better than a good Egg McMuffin." "Yeah, I'll give you that." "Kill or cure, innit?" "Come on, we're off track here." " EastEnders." " Lost." "Doctor Who." "It's a kids' show." " It's not a kids' show." " It is." " The Sopranos." " No, already finished." "We're talking about things that have ended prematurely because of this mess." "Come on, Jops." "If you want to play, get it right." "YouTube." "Facebook." "Oh, shit." "MySpace!" "Amazon." "Now you're on it!" " Is this where you make Big Brother?" " Yes." "Oh, my God." " Oh, my God!" " Shut up." "She's a new one." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello." "Is this even working?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" " It's a voice." " Oh, my God." "Oh, my God, we're being rescued!" "Hello?" "Ssh, ssh, ssh." "Stop." " Listen!" " Is that one of the Big Brother voices?" "Patrick, is that you?" "Yeah, yeah, it's me, um..." " Kelly!" " Kelly." "That's it." "Listen." "We are trapped in the gallery." "We?" "Who are you with?" "Are you OK?" " Hello, Space!" " Pippa?" "No way!" "I was stuck in the room, and he done a poo and it stank!" "What the fuck... is wrong with you?" "Listen, fuck the reunion." "You've gotta get us out of here." "Can you make your way across the car park?" " Is it safe?" " Ish." " Ish?" " We've closed the main gates, and cleared most of those in the compound." " What do you mean, "cleared"?" " That'll be me." " Where the fuck did that come from?" " It's a long story." "Fine." "Just come and get us out, then." "We can't." "We are trapped in here!" "How many of those things are up there?" "It's one thing shooting from here, another heading out there." "Says the man with the gun to me with the pointy stick!" "I'm sorry, mate, it's not worth the risk!" "Fuck you." " What's he doing?" " What are you doing?" " What are you playing at?" " Put the shutters up!" " Is this guy for real?" " Patrick." "Right." "No dialogue, just instant abuse of human rights." "Oh, fuck off, Shami Chakrabati." "Try this." "Oh, my God!" "Patrick!" " What are you doing?" " Shut up." "Stop it!" "Whose house do you think you're standing in, you stupid speck of shit?" "Patrick!" "We're coming to get you." "Thank you." "Bollocks!" " But Pippa's there as well." " You can't go up there, man." "We've got guns." "They haven't." "Stay here, then." "Space?" "I've got you covered!" "Don't worry about it." "It's just Brian." "Fuck, it is Brian." "Come on." "Come on." "You took your time." "We should pass by an old abbey." "And then some woods half a mile later." "The studio's behind there." "All right." "So what's the best way back down?" "What am I, fucking invisible?" "I'm talking to you." "Fucking hell." "Yeah, what are you looking for?" "Crown Court?" "Come on." "It's worth a try." " I heard something on the radio." " What?" " Some foreign stuff." " Saying what?" "I don't know!" "I don't speak foreigner." "You know, a foreign voice is good enough for me." "We're gonna find the nearest port, and get out of Britain." " Come on." " We can't." "Why not?" "!" "You'll see." " Oh, fuck." " Oh, my God." "I don't like it." "They just keep coming." "Look, it's still not safe here." "We should get back into the house." "Oh, fuck." "It's the best place to be right now." "Shit, that's one of them, er..."water door" things, innit?" "A lock, yeah." "Hurry." " Everyone, this is Patrick." " Hi, Patrick." "Oh, fuck it." " Fucking starving." " So are we." "Patrick, it's gotta last." "You've got a Biodome." "Grow some fucking courgettes or something." "Here." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Not in here." "I'm trying to give up." "They won't listen." "Take it outside, you dirty bastard." "What?" "Pass me that peanut butter." "What's the magic word?" "Fuck off." " What the...?" " Fucking hell." "Fuck!" "You all right?" "Do it." "I liked our farmhouse." "I'm so sorry." "I know." "Fuck!" "Look who's off the fag wagon." "Guy's a dickhead." "You don't wanna work under that." "Yeah, just let him walk it out." "Poor bastard's got a lot to come to terms with." "And who ain't?" "The whole world's gone fucking tits up, and we don't even know why." "It's a terrorist attack." "No, it's bigger than that." ""And the sea gave up the dead which were in it." "And death and hell delivered up the dead which were in them." "And they were judged, every man, according to their works."" "Judgement Day." "It's in the Bible." "You can't wheel out the Bible." " I thought you was an atheist." " Yes." "You trying to say that God's punishing us for something?" " No, I'm not saying God..." "If it's Iraq, I never agreed to that in the first place." "That wouldn't be fair." "Or the other place." "Palestinia." "I'm not even saying there is a god." "But if there is, maybe all this is happening because he or she or it is judging our culture and smiting us accordingly." "Yeah, but why be such a cunt about it?" "Whoa!" "Fuck!" "Oh, fuck!" "It's like a losers' convention in here." "Proud of yourselves?" "Want another fag, Patrick?" "Oddly enough, I don't, Kathy." " Kelly." " Yeah, whatever." " We need an escape plan." " Like we haven't thought of that." "Think of it as a task, if that helps." "Come on, we should hit the road!" "We can't get to the road no more." "You haven't fucking tried!" "Patrick, I agree with you." "Patrick." "I agree with you." "I do." "But there's no way through those gates." "You've seen them." "We've got the keys to a van." "So we'll just drive." " We'll drive away!" " We can't just drive past." "All right?" "They won't step aside like some fucking chambermaids." "We'll just, we'll..." "We'll distract them!" "We'll distract them." "We'll bait them away, OK?" "We'll bait them away from the gates long enough and then we'll drive straight through." "With what?" "A ball of string?" "Look, they eat flesh, don't they?" "Right?" "That's what they eat." "We'll give them some." "There's a man-sized portion of Pedigree Chum laying right there." " Fuck off!" " We'll chop 'em up." "We'll chop 'em up!" "We'll toss the best bits to the fucking ghoulies." "They'll run after that." "Munch, munch, thanks very much." "We'll drive straight through." "You're not doing that." "I didn't say it was gonna be a genteel parlour game, you titted fucking idiot." "But it is worth a pissing shot!" "No." "No, no, no, it's not." "Actually, I think we should at least consider it." "What?" "Fucking hell." "You should come and help me with this!" "It's not as bad as it looks!" "Bunch of cowards." "I'll do it." "I'll fucking do it." "Have that." "Lovely." "Look at that." "What's the fucking matter with you?" "Bloody backwards fucking livestock." "Hey?" "Think you've still got a fucking audience?" "Do you?" "What are you gonna do?" "Fucking sit here?" "Breathing in each other's fucking bum clouds until the sky falls in?" "Pardon me, but I am a fucking... bit more fucking ambitious than that." "A bit more fucking ambitious, thank you very much." "Come here, you." "If you had to fucking work for a living, instead of trying to do a fucking quick fix." "Hey?" ""Look at me!" "Look how famous I am!" "I've been a twat on telly for two months."" "Maybe you'd know what that means?" "But, no." "Want it now, want it fucking now." "Well, come and get it." "Get this fucking bit out here." "Look at that!" "Precision!" "Bit of precision and pride in your job." "It's not a lot to ask, is it?" "Don't even know what that is." "Look at this!" "What is that?" "Stop fucking crying." "This is an escape plan." "Kel!" "Are you gonna let this fruitcake get away with this bullshit?" "He's right." "Look, I'm sorry, but he is." "It's worth trying." "Space!" "Space!" "Oh, got a live one." "No!" "No!" " You won't make it." " I have got to go." "We're gonna get to the nearest port, get the fuck out of Britain." "We can't." "They just keep coming." "Oh, fuck." "That's one of them, er, water door things." " Pass me the peanut butter." " What's the magic word?" "Fuck off." " We need an escape plan." " We haven't thought of that." "We'll bait them away from the gates long enough and drive straight through!" " With what?" " Fuck." "They eat flesh, don't they, right?" "That's what they eat." "We'll give 'em some!" " I'm so sorry." " I know." "I didn't say it was gonna be a genteel parlour game, you titted fucking idiot!" "You should come help me with this." "It's not as bad as it looks." "Oh." "Got a live one." "Oh!" "Oi!" "I'm..." "I'm a normal person!" "Coulda sworn this one said summat." "I'm normal!" "Heh!" "Says he's normal!" " Don't fucking shoot, then!" " Do ya mean?" "I'm a normal person!" "Riq." "Riq!" " Riq!" " Kelly?" "Riq!" "Who the fuck's Riq?" "Oh!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Riq!" "Yes!" " You stink!" " Come here." "Ooh!" "What do you reckon?" "Gonna need more than this?" "Oh!" " It's so good to see you." " Stink, do I?" "Do I stink?" "Let's get you washed up and start thinking about where we can go." "What?" "Well, you came from somewhere." "There's places that it's safe, right?" "It's fucked out there." " Yeah, but..." " It's completely fucked up." "Well, I mean, how far did you go?" "There's..." "No, listen, this thing's global." "All right?" "It's not gonna be over in six days or six months." "All that old stuff is gone." "I mean, you came to take me away." "Baby, I..." "I don't mean to interrupt anything yeah but... ..an intro would be nice." " This is Riq." " You all right, man?" "Riq?" "My friends call me Space." "Space?" "Yeah." "I've seen you on the telly." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "No, he's lying." "He doesn't watch it." "Well, I've been catching up recently." "Believe." "Well, come on, then!" "A right touching romance we've got here." " Who's he?" " Everyone, this is Riq." "Fuck who he is." "How did he get here?" "Sorry?" "How did you get here?" "Helicopter?" "Magic Mole Machine?" "What?" "Nah, jumped over the fence round the back." "The fence?" "So, that's..." "that's like a safe route, is it?" "Like fuck is it." "It's crawling with those things." "Riq's been outside so we should listen to what he says." " What is he?" "A tour guide?" " No, actually, he's my boyfriend." "Oh, right!" "Sorry." "So you've come here to save her." "How sweet." " Aw, I like it." " What's happening there?" "Basically it's a wasteland." "Right, so, how did you get here through this wasteland?" "Down the river." "The river?" "In a boat?" "Yeah." "Sorry." "Who are you?" "Tony Curtis." "Where is that boat now?" "It's downstream." " Downstream?" " Yeah, it floated off." "Right." "Fucking right." "So you didn't want to moor it up?" "Are you on some personal quest to redefine ineptitude?" "I was being fucking chased." "Oh." "Ho-ho." "Fucking boo-hoo." "Right, thanks to Popeye the Sailor Man here, the van is still our best bet, right?" "I have prepped the bait." "So, fucking vamoose, chop chop, let's go." "You're not in charge!" "Yeah, um, we're not going anywhere." "Look, if that Mary's made it, there's gonna be other survivors, OK?" "No!" "You'll spend all your time looking for somewhere half as secure as this." "You're not gonna find it, mate." "Yeah." "There's food here, solar panels, fortified fences." " It just makes more sense." " Don't confuse them with facts!" " It's..." " There's nothing out there, mate." "Nothing." "For all we know, we're all there is." "Brilliant." "Thank you very much for the pep talk." "Very nice to meet you, Janice." "Right, we're going." "Come on." "Let's go." "We never decided." "Don't tell me you believe that tit-a-ma-boob." "He can't even tie up a boat for Christ's sake." "I was fucking chased!" "Yeah, yeah, you and your reasons!" " I'm not going." " Fine!" "Die here in cuckoo land." "How about you?" " Stay." " She's right." " He can speak for himself." " I'm staying." "Oh, grow some nuts." "Well, it's my decision, all right?" "All for one and that." "Who do you think you are?" "Love's young dream here in fucking cutie cottage?" "We're sticking together." " She's stolen your heart, has she?" " Yeah, something like that." "Oh, fucking wake up, Mutley." "She only wiped her slit up your thigh for the highlights reel, you chimpanzee." "No, I never, you fuckwit!" "You would fuck a fisherman's dog if there was a Heat cover in it." " Who asked you?" " You would if it got you somewhere." "Fucking stop!" "This is crazy!" "Look, Patrick, you're outvoted." " We haven't all spoken." " No, I'm staying." "You know this lot hate you." " You know it's true." " Look, who cares who said what?" "I mean, Patrick, none of that matters anymore." " No-one's going anywhere." " I bloody am." "You don't get it, do you?" "You just don't get it." "Get what?" "To leave you need to go through them gates." "You open the gates, they're gonna keep flooding in." " And then we're all fucked." " So?" " So you have to stay!" " No, I don't." "We have to!" "We have to." "Look, this is the only way it's gonna work." "Look, we need to be realistic, Patrick." " "Na-na-na-na, na-na-nah." Fuck off." " What the...?" "See ya, losers!" " Get out my way." "Get away." " Stop." " Patrick." " Get away." "Get away." " Get away." " Don't make me do this, Patrick." "Patrick, please don't force me to do this." "You're gonna have to shoot me in the back, darling." "Don't fucking test me." " Got him." " Hold him, hold him!" "Get off me, fucker." "What a knob." " Is he always like this?" " Yeah." "The keys." "Chuck him in there." "Tie him up good and tight." "And Space?" "Fucking gag him an' all." "Oh." "I'd have had him then if he'd not kicked me in the nuts." "I don't like him being in there." "I really need a wee." "It won't be for much longer." "We just need to talk some sense into him." "Good luck with that!" "I've worked for him, OK?" "He just gets a bit doodah when he's stressed." " You call that "a bit doodah"?" " The man's a walking hazard." "Once he's off the boil, he's almost human." "He's just at his worst..." "He'll level out." "Babes, babes...you can't talk someone down off the moon, all right?" "And he is well on the moon." "They're right." " What was that?" " I'm not going." "I went last time." "I'll go." "Well, he can't have wiggled out." "I tied him up like a piglet." "Good, the fat fucking porker." "Sorry, I'm going to have to..." "Patrick!" "Jesus!" "I can't go if you're making that noise, can I?" "Thank you." "Can you breathe OK?" "If you start shouting, the gag goes straight back on again, OK?" " OK?" " OK." "Don't let them do this to me, please?" "You shouldn't have fought." "They're going to kill me." " No-one is going to kill you." " They will be working it out now." "He's tied up for now, so why don't we just..." "What happens when he ain't?" "Soon as we turn our backs, he'll try to get out them gates and fuck us all over." " So we keep him tied up." " For how long?" "Riq says it's bad outside, yeah?" "We might be in here for keeps, yeah?" "Well, Looney Tunes ain't gonna stay tied up for keeps, is he?" "He'll get out somehow." "He won't give up till he's got them gates opened and then it is game over for all of us." " That's true." " What are you trying to suggest?" "Why don't you just fucking come out and say it?" "All right." "All right." "There ain't much room for debate, Kelly." "It's extreme circumstances, innit?" "OK." "I've seen this, Joplin." "I've seen this hundreds of times." "Look, if you break from the group, the group breaks you." " OK, the gag's going on." " Just ask..." "Ask yourself this." "When I've gone - when I'm out of the way - who's going to be the bottom of the pile?" "You will." "You're next." "They hate you." "They have told me time and time again in that Diary Room." "And what did they say?" "You're old, you're a pervert, you're pretentious, you stink the bog out, your clothes make you look like a cunt." "They have poured insults over you like buckets of cum." "Do you know what they call you when you're out the room?" "Hey?" "Gollum." "Gollum." "Yeah." "Yeah." "The crowds turn up holding signs that say "Gollum Out"." "They'd love it." "You're a joke to them." "You're a liar." "Am I?" "You're talking fucking murder." "Come on!" "It's self-defence." "It's like when Angel got bit, yeah?" "We've got to act practically." " We can't trust him." " It's him or us, yeah?" "You can't get much more practical than that." "Just one shot to the back of the head." "No, no." "We'll use the axe." "I'm not wasting ammo." "All right." "Hey, Gollum's taking his time." "What's he doing - having a wank?" ""My precious."" "Oh, don't do that." "Gollum wanking!" "Let's take a vote, yeah?" "Like nominations." "It's all it is." "It's only a game show." "There's been enough killing." "Well, what do you propose we do?" "Cripple him." "Cripple him?" "Yeah, break his ankles - take a hammer to his feet." "It'll have to be pretty bad to stop him moving." "We'll do it bad enough that he won't be going anywhere." "I don't like it." " Well, it's better than killing him." " She's right." "What do you think, babe?" "Pretty hard to break an ankle so it don't set back right, innit?" "You've got to crack it sideways, inwards." "Fine." "We could chop the Achilles tendon, back of the heel." "Turns the feet into dead plates." "He won't be able to operate the pedals in the van." "Where'd you learn that from, man?" "Saw Jack Bauer do it on the telly." "No." "That's not real life, is it?" "No." "If we do it, we're smashing his ankles, like in that film, Mystery." "Look, have we agreed no killing, just the ankles...?" "You're going to need a recount." "Get away from that now." " Patrick!" " Joplin, get her peashooter." " You wanker!" " We should've fucking killed him." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "You didn't, though, did you?" " Give me the gun." "Give me the gun." " Joplin, what you doing?" "Give me the gun." "You take that one." "Joplin, you fucker..." "You don't fucking need her." "Just go!" "What you fucking doing?" "You don't need her." " Fucking step back." " What the fuck are you playing at?" " Fuck off!" "Stay there." " You don't need her." "Joplin, get the bait bowl and the keys." " What do you need her for, huh?" " Please!" " Joplin, what you playing at, man?" " I-I'm sorry." "No, you're not." "Just open the door." " Fucking step back." " Oh, my God!" "Stay back." "Deep breath." "Everyone say bye-bye!" "Bye-bye." "Get out, Joplin." "Bye-bye!" "Riq!" "Kel." "Kel!" "Kelly, look at me." "Kelly, look at me." "Where the fuck are you going?" "I don't give a fuck." "Fuck off." " Help me, please." " Just put the fucking gun down." " Fuck off." " Joplin, you fucking Judas!" "Look, I'm really sorry, OK?" "All right, Desmond Tutu." "It's not the Guardian." " Get in the fucking van." " No, please!" " Mate, have a look!" " I'm not a fucking plumber." " Back off." " Just don't hurt her, then." ""Don't hurt her"?" "You fucking clumsy idiot, don't fucking..." "Riq!" "Riq!" "You fucking shot him." "You're crazy." "Joplin!" "Baby, baby!" "Fucking do something!" "Stay with me." "Joplin, you fucking prick!" "Baby, baby." "Stay with me, baby!" "Fuck!" "Baby." "Baby." "He's fucking dead!" "He's fucking dead!" "Riq!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuck you!" " Pippa!" " Fuck you!" "Pippa!" "Fuck you!" "What you doing?" "Fucking hell!" "Fuck you!" "Joplin, you spastic!" "Don't open the..." "Ahh!" "Jesus!" "Fuck!" " They're coming in!" " Fucking run." "No!" "Come on, come on!" "Oh, shit!" "Shit!" "Fuck off!" "Close it." "Close the door." "Go on, fucking eat me, you fucking ugly git!" "Go on, you useless pieces of fucking...cattle." "Pippa!" "Pippa!" "Pippa..." "Pippa!" "It's Space." "I'm in the gallery." "Where's Pips?" "Space!" " Close the shutters!" " What?" " The shutters!" "Look for the button." " Shutters, shutters." "Close it!" "Eat it." "Go on!" "Eat it all!" "I've got fucking bowels full of shit." "Eat it!" "They're coming through the runs." "They're in the runs!" "They're in the runs!" "We need weapons." "We need weapons!" "They're going to come through." "They're everywhere." "They're fucking everywhere." "Is this it?" "Is it over?" " Space!" " Yeah." "Can you open the Diary Room door?" "Can you?" "What?" "Diary Room." "Ahh!" " It's going to crack!" " It's going to fucking crack!" "Space, it says 'D-Room'!" "The button!" "Uh!" "Door's open, Kel!" "The door's open." "Fuck off!" "Fuck off!" "Space, are you still there?" "I'm still here." "Pippa?" "P-Pippa!" "How you doing?" "Not bad." "Pretty much surrounded here." "What about Veronica and Marky?" "No." "This makes you the winner... ..of this year's Big Brother." "Space, I need you to open the door." "No way." "It's a full house out there." "I know, but I'm going to fight my way through..." " There's hundreds of them!" " I'm going to get..." "You're not listening!" "There's hundreds of them!" "Space, what did you say to me back at the gate?" "Seize the day and shit." "Come on." "I can do this." "All right." "All right." "Just say "when", yeah?" " Wish me luck." " I am." "OK." "Let me out of here."