"Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!" "Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given by Him upstairs and kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs." "(Stay away!" ")" "What sounds on Earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face?" "Cos this, people reckon, and me included, is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented:" "to calm us all down, stop us going mental." "These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials." "We are worth every penny for grinding your axes." "You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes!" "Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers, who'd cum on your face for the price of a beer." "Make poverty history!" "Cheaper drugs now!" "Make poverty history!" "Cheaper drugs now!" "Scatter!" "Party!" "After all these years of marriage, I can truly, hand on heart, say," ""Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."" "What a load of bollocks." "Mimi." "Patrick." "It's what I need, Mimi." "New start, new challenges." "I know." "For both of us." "Come on, or we're gonna be late." "Patrick has had a brilliant business opportunity offered to him in Ireland." "Nightclubs." "Two in Belfast, one in Lisburn." "I've always turned the offer down before, because... it means relocating." "We wanna move on with our lives separately." "It won't be necessary." "This wedding certificate..." "I'm afraid to say it's... fake." "You what?" "It's not worth the paper it's written on." "But we signed it." "At the church, with Father Jim." "Therein lies the problem." "Come 'ere, ya fuckin' fraudster!" "Come 'ere!" "Father Jim wasn't a Father?" "Not according to Interpol." "And this means...?" "You, erm, can't actually be granted a divorce... because you were never married." "YOU WHAT?" "!" "Carl, give me a ring as soon as you can." "Ah!" "Good timing." "Stella's having her afternoon nap, and we're late enough as it is." "For what?" "Book club." "Oh, fuckin' hell!" "Till when?" " "Willy Wonka" is on the telly at 5." "She'll love that." " Oh, fuckin' delightful!" " And if you're good..." " That'll be alright then, won't it?" "Yes?" "I might go by the offy on the way home 'n grab you a four-pack." "Oh, well let... oh, just give us a few..." " Just give us a few quid then for some cigs." " No." " I haven't had a smoke in over three hours." " Get out." " No!" " Come on!" " You need to tell him you're not a cash cow." " Stay out of it, Mother!" "Milkin' ya dry!" "Yeah, stay out of it, Mother." "I bet she's got some cash stashed away." "Balance your budget with a bit more conviction, Frank." "And?" "And..." "I might take a look at increasing your overdraft." "Okay, sir?" "Stella's asleep in her cot." "In the eyes of God," "I'm no better than a fuckin' prozzy!" "And what about Mandy and Fergal?" "Denied access through the Pearly Gates!" "Stuck up there in purgatory forever!" "Whose fault's that?" "The prick that dressed up in a cassock and pretended to be a priest!" "Wrong answer." "It's your fault!" "What?" "I wouldn't wipe me own arse with this!" "Get out!" "Where did you find Father Jim?" "I can't remember." "I don't know." "He was a friend of a client." "I was in a rush." "You made me rush." "Because I didn't wanna walk down the aisle in me third trimester!" "That's why!" "You did it on purpose." "Are you takin' the piss?" "How was I supposed to know?" "It all makes sense now!" "You thought I was trickin' you into gettin' married, so you picked any ol' Tom, Dick or Jim just to shut me up." "And the kids... they're all bastards!" "Tell me something I don't know." "We'll have to get married again." "What?" "We'll have to get married again." "No." "No." "You wanted this divorce, and how can we, if because of you, we were never married in the first place?" "!" "We do it properly this time, Paddy, for the kids' sake!" "No one need know shit all about this." "As far as anyone's concerned, the divorce has gone through, and we're happy as Larry." "You're to meet me tonight, away from here, to sort this out." "So much for being amicable." " Hi, everybody!" " Alright, Dad?" "Aye, top of the world, son!" "It's official." "I'm a free man." "And more importantly, I'm a free woman." "You alright?" "Just needs to sink in." "It's not as is they've only just split up." "Well, not that they're split up... just that we're all... orphans." "Fuck!" "You okay?" "Never better." "Even got meself a date later." "Fantastic!" "Who's the lucky fella?" "Met him last week in the ready meal section in Tesco." "Eh, what's he like?" "Fucking gorgeous." "What's his name?" "Jack..." "Beam." "...said he'd only buy it if I got my cock out." "No way!" "Seriously!" "That's what he said!" "It's understandable if you feel bad about your mum and dad, you know?" "We used to have to eat together every Sunday." "Dad was never home in the week, and Sundays was the only day he was." "But even if it was just fish finger butties, it didn't matter, so long as we was all there round the table." "Me favorite time of the whole week." "Some people never have what you had." "Move on." "That's just life." "That's what families do." "What's the point in marriage or families if they're always gonna collapse anyway?" "But you can't say that." "Yeah, I can." "I'd rather not bother if it's all gonna go tits up." "Save meself the mither." "I'll stick to bein' single." "Come on." "We're goin' out." "What?" "Don't argue." "Just get ready." "[SUEDE: "BEAUTIFUL ONES"] ...Psycho for drum machine" "Shaking their bits to the hits" "Oh" "Drag acts, drug acts" "Suicide" "In your dad's suits ya hide" "Staining his name again" "Oh" "Cracked up, stacked up" "Twenty-two" "Psycho..." "Well, that's a good little girl, Stella." "Your brother'll be back soon." "Daddy won't be long, sweetheart." "Fuckin' hell!" "Where the fuck'd you put it?" "!" "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!" "Back by midnight or you're grounded." "Too much cleavage?" "Takin' the piss?" "You can never have enough cleavage." "I beg to differ." "See you later." "See you, Mum." "Shane!" "Come on." "Dad's house." "Lads' night in." "What the fuck?" "!" "Here, Paddy!" "Get that beer in ya, Dad." "Divorce parties are all the rage nowadays, Dad!" "Cheers, lads!" "Cheers!" "Party!" "What the fuck are we celebrating?" "Rosalita?" "No." "Okay." "Okay, I know." "The barnet." "Before you say it..." "It is dyed." "But I prefer to use the word "coloured"." "I'm not Rosalita." "May've shaved a few years off me age... but if I'd told the truth you might not turn up." "And, oh... and I added just a few inches to me height." "What do you think?" "Good enough for Tom Cruise?" "Excuse me?" "It's me!" "Herbert!" "I'm not Rosalita." "I never will be Rosalita." "Do you understand?" "Now, do me a favour, you desperate piece of shit." "Do one!" "Although, I prefer the words" ""Fuck off"!" "Herbert?" "Rosalita." "Pleased to meet ya, Rosalita... but I'm afraid I'm not Herbert." "You'll certainly do, though." "So don't tell me you've been stood up as well." "Kind of." "Well, can I get you a drink to make up for it?" "Here we go." "Gay?" "Ha!" "Married?" "Might've known." "Actually..." "No." "Not ever." "Well, then... what's your problem?" "Nothin', sweetheart." "It's just, normally I'm the one that buys the drinks." "What would you like?" "I'll have a vodka lime 'n' lemonade, please." "Double?" "Why not?" "Good." "I'll get these." "I'm sorry." "That'd put someone off in ten seconds." "Y'know, next I'll be askin' you if ya come here often." "Or would you prefer the funny angle?" "If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib." "It's not funny, though." "Someone actually said that to me once." "What, you're serious?" "On my life." "Proper dick." "I'm Gary." "Come on through." "There's beer in the fridge." "Help yourself." "Did it all meself." "What?" "This place." "Did it meself." "It's mint!" "I'm an architect." "Yeah?" "What about you?" "I've got me own company." "Ah, doin' what?" "Credit control." "Y'know, high end o' the market." "Y'know, big rewards on the back o' the credit crunch." "It can be ruthless, but..." "I love it." "Yeah, sounds like you do." "Y'know, people said I'd never do anything with my life." "Y'know, so I wanted to prove 'em all wrong." "Yeah." "So I did." "Go on!" "Out, ya bastards!" "Look, we warned ya!" "Slag." "Nowt wrong with ambition." "So?" "What're you into?" "Just a snog to start with." "Bit o' massage, some oral..." "I prefer a 69, but I don't usually go in for penetration on the first date unless maybe anal beads." "Y'know, if you've got them." "I meant music." "Oh." "Morning, Frank." "Toast?" "Yeah." "If it's no trouble." "No trouble at all." "I don't think so, sunshine!" "No trouble at all." "How dare you!" "Fucking hell!" "Do you think Libby would give you a second glance if she knew you stole my savings?" "Oh, yeah?" "And what about you?" "What is it for benefit fraud these days?" "Ten years... max!" "You.." "You give those back!" "Are you never satisfied, woman?" "You've got a roof over your head." "You'd be fucked if it wasn't for me!" "Desolate!" "Homeless!" "Doesn't give you the right to take my money!" "Oh yes, it does, sunshine!" "And anyway, what's an old crow like you gonna spend the money on?" "Fucking corn plasters?" "I... am... your landlord!" "Eh?" "Benefit cards." "Money." "It's mine." "Comprende?" "Is this your idea of revenge, is it?" "Not satisfied with ruining' our first marriage," "You wanna fuck this one up as well!" "I got distracted." "Father Tony, a legitimate priest, is tryin' to raise cash for his new church roof." "and I said we might be able to help him out." "You wanna put things right, meet me there at half ten." "Come on, shift!" "Mimi, Rosalita." "Rosalita, Mimi." "Don't be late... and leave the dog at home." "I'll be straight with you." "I can't do it." "It's against all we stand for here, Mimi." "You know that." "God won't mind." "How could He mind?" "I can understand what this means to you, but a blessing from me isn't gonna take away the fact that your children remain illegitimate." "With respect, Father, we didn't come here for a lecture." "Don't!" "You're supposed to be a man of religion." "An ambassador of goodwill?" "What a load o' crap!" "You can't say "crap" in church!" "I'll say what I like, church or no church." "It wouldn't hurt you to help us out, would it?" "Let's cut to the chase, shall we?" "We know all about you lot." "Us lot?" "Throwing your wait around the population of Chatsworth doesn't mean you can throw it about around God." "Not here, pal." "Who you callin' "pal"?" "You don't scare me." "That's cos you've already got the fear of God firmly implanted up your..." "Paddy!" "To think that someone would actually dress up and try and imitate this hypocrisy." "It's not his fault!" "You should leave." "Now!" "I should've had an abortion when I had the chance cos you're not fit to be a father!" "I'm sorry, Jesus." "I..." "I didn't mean what I said about the abortion." "I'd have had a hundred of his kids." "I'll say ten Hail Marys." "You're not stayin for a brew, hot lips?" "Is there any point?" "I like ya." "I like you, too, if you must know." "You could at least leave me your number." "What, so I can keep checking me phone and wonder why you've not called?" "It's not my style." "You call me, then." "Later." "Let's go for a drink." "Nothing heavy." "Hmm?" "Sorry I'm late." "Been stinging some fit bird." "Oh, aye?" "What's his name?" "Right." "The Reillys." "Old pals o' mine." "The got a few burger vans dotted about the place." "Some new firm's been treading' on their patch up at Hilltop." "They're payin' us to get rid of 'em." "What?" "We know." "We're already on to it." "It was Mam's suggestion." "She wanted to make sure we handle the business side of things here from now on." "My contact, though." "But you're goin' away, though." "Anything else?" "No, not at the moment." "Right then." "Huh." "Best be gettin' off." "Gary?" "I was just wondering, erm... d'you fancy that drink?" "I mean, just a drink, y'know, nowt else... although that's up to you." "Heh, I'm easy." "But listen, if you're busy 'n' that, it's no hassle." "Y'know, I mean there's plenty o' other stuff I've gotta do, like, erm... like, uh..." "Well, I've gotta go to the doctor's." "Uh, not that I've got herpes or nothin', y'know, it's just like uh... uh... a medical... that once every six months check..." "Thought I'd cheer meself up with a bit o' make-believe... cos that's all our marriage was." "Fiction." "It was real for us." "Tell him he's got two days." "If he's not shifted by then, things are gonna get really nasty." "Right, yeah." "Oi!" "I thought we told you to be gone by Wednesday!" "You takin' the piss or what?" "Since when did architects flip burgers?" "Did you ever love me or did you just marry me because it was the right thing to do?" "Course I loved ya." "Ireland?" "Why, exactly?" "Business." "Or pleasure?" "You've got some slut tucked back in the homeland, haven't ya?" "I just wanted to impress..." "What, is this your credit control?" "A branch of it, yeah." "The flat?" "It's me brother's." "I'm mindin' it till he gets back next week." "So you were just stringing me along with all your lies." "It's that fuckin' Arlene, isn't it?" "Arlene?" "Cousin Arlene?" "Away enough times on business..." "You were never here for the birth of any of our kids." "You could even have a second family!" "You've lost it, ya mad bitch!" "Well, you know everything now." "I haven't got any more secrets." "Micky!" "Look, just leg it." "He's a proper mental bastard." "He'll fuck you up!" "Can't you tell him that you know me?" "Tell him about us?" "Look, I said leg it!" "I'm not the only one with a secret, am I?" "I've given him 48 hours." "He'll be gone, alright." "You better find a priest to marry us so we can get divorced, because if I have to find one," "I swear, Paddy, it'll be to perform the viaticum before packing' you in a box back to Ireland!" "I didn't think I'd see you again." "Look..." "I panicked!" "A box of chocys or some flowers woulda been nice." "Why didn't you tell me you were a Maguire?" "Well, does it matter?" "No." "Not at all." "So you don't mind about the..." "What?" "This?" "Nah." "You can give me another one later, if you like." "So we're still boyfriends then?" "God, yeah!" "I'm shagging Paddy Maguire!" "Just promise me you'll keep it stum." "Now... y'know how it is, uh..." "I like to keep a low profile." "Yeah?" "Paddy?" "Yeah?" "When me brother gets back," "I'm gonna be homeless." "I wanted to ask if I can stay at yours." "Look, I know we've only been together for a couple o' days, but it doesn't have to be heavy." "Thanks." "Just think of it as... kippin' on the sofa." "But you'd be in my bed?" "Yeah...?" "Top, innit?" "I thought we were just havin' a bit o' fun." "Yeah, we are." "Aren't we?" "Yeah." "So..." "Let me kip at yours, then." "Keep things like this." "Why mess with the momentum?" "(I'm shagging Paddy Maguire.)" "(Paddy Maguire)" "(Paddy Maguire)" "(Paddy Maguire)" "What's with the face?" "Nothin' much." "I just fucked up, that's all." "I've said somethin' I shouldn't've and it's too late to put it right." "Take it from me." "It's never too late to put things right." "What about you and Mam?" "I know what I did was wrong and I live with a lot o' regrets, but what can I do?" "Let it cripple me?" "What's the point in that?" "Got a life to live." "Have to make it work." "Do you regret..." "Mam?" "I could never regret that, son." "Where's the fuckin' fire?" "Civic Hall's got a slot." "When?" "4:00 today." "He's been helpin' me." "LISTEN!" "Alright!" "Alright!" "What exactly is it you want me to do?" "I'm gonna be there when he takes you up the aisle." "He's gonna be best man." "And maid of honour." "Right." "I'd best start." "Shitloads to sort." "Could at least look happy about it." "Civic Hall?" "!" "I did the best I could on short notice." "But we're religious!" "Patrick, please!" "Patrick!" "We do this or we don't." "Your call." "I know what your game is." "Because of my faith, you thought I'd call it off." "Not gonna work." "We're gettin' married at 4:00 today whether you like it or not!" "Am I makin' myself clear?" "Excuse me!" "Oh, I don't think so." "What?" "!" "What're you...?" "Do you mind?" "!" "Libby!" "Well?" "Hmph!" "Tony Barton." "Remember him?" "He knew you since you were a wee babby." "They gave him four months to live, poor bastard." "He came straight round, signed it over to me." "As far as they know, he's still alive." "The system paid us nothing when you father dumped me and left the two of us alone and skint." "I do this for you and me." "Who..." "Who do you think's been paying for your extra medication all these years?" "It's my revenge!" "You understand that, don't cha?" "Well, Frank violated that arrangement." "He deserved it." "I did it to save ya." "From what?" "!" "That joker!" "When are you gonna realize that he's the man I love?" "You love his family!" "You've still got them!" "Stop complaining!" "Liam... your dad's been arrested." "I know." "Carl told me." "Laters." "I need money to bail him out, Mother!" "Where is it?" "!" "Where is the money?" "!" "Over my dead body!" "She just doesn't want me to be happy!" "Every time!" "I don't what's wrong with her!" "Well, y'know, we could put her in a home... y'know, or euthanasia." "One way ticket her cuckoo clock." "Look, the minute you bail us out of here, babe, that's what we'll do." "Eh?" "We can't afford the bail." "What?" "!" "Fuckin'... no!" "They'll cart me off to prison if we can't pay!" "Fuckin' hell!" "I can't cope in prison!" "You don't know what it's like!" "Well, okay, you do." "Look..." "Your mother has got money stashed away somewhere." "Just find it!" "Just get me out of here!" "I'll see what I can do, but" "I might need a bit of time." "Oh!" "Fuckin' time?" "!" "Mine's runnin' out!" "Ya know what?" "They're transferring' some fuckin nutter from another prison to my holding cell before his trial." "Calls himself" "Shit Burglar or" "Burger or somethin' like that." "He... his last five cellmates..." "KKKKK!" "An' if I don't get out of here soon, I'm gonna be number six, aren't I?" "Crisis." "Mam's gettin' married today." "I heard her telling' Dad." "What?" "Who the hell to?" "That new fella!" "What, the one from the supermarket?" "Jack Beam?" "They've only been on a couple o' dates!" "We've not even met this bloke!" "What is she playin' at?" "She's on the rebound!" "What's Dad said?" "Well... he didn't look best pleased." "It's not really any of his business, now they're divorced." "Uh, it is if he still loves her!" "Yeah, and what makes ya think that?" "Apart from the fact you've never left your mam's tit!" "Somethin' he said, actually." "He got all emotional and like, misty-eyed over Mam before." "Look, we've gotta stop it for Mam as much as Dad." "She needs to make her own mistakes, Micky." "It's been a week, Karen!" "I mean, ain't gettin' married after a week more than just a mistake?" "Who is this geezer?" "Where does he live?" "Gorgeous." "Ready?" "Is that the last?" "Sorted." "You cock!" "You didn't turn the page over!" "Bollocks!" "Fuckin' hell!" "There's only one option left." "Come on." "Love is patient." "Love is kind and not jealous." "Love does not brag and is not arrogant." "Did you choose these words?" "Did I fuck!" "Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness." "Love rejoices in the truth." "Love endures all things." "Love is not provoked, does not take into account wrongs suffered." "Wait!" "Mam!" "Mam?" "Dad?" "What the fuck?" "!" "Look, I'm sorry, it's not what ya think..." "I love your mother." "I couldn't let her go." "We... both made big mistakes, but..." "I think I speak for all of us when I say, "Thank you"." "This... is the happiest day of my life." "Our lives." "I love you, Mimi." "Sorry." "I now pronounce you man and wife." "Think because Frank's not here things'll go back to the way they were?" "Not happening'!" " Here you go, love." " Thank you." "[BLACK EYED PEAS: "BOOM BOOM POW"] Boom boom boom" "Gotta get get" "Boom boom boom" "Gotta get get" "Boom boom boom" "Gotta get get" "Boom boom boom" "I know my son, and I know when he's distracted by something." "Why don't you ask her over for tea?" "God, Micky..." "She's not a fuckin' vegan, is she?" "No, but..." "Have you told her ya love her yet?" "Nah." "Don't you think it's about time ya did?" "I think I fucked it up by tellin' a few lies." "And she's fallen for it?" "If you want the relationship to work, tell her the truth." "It's the only basis for a solid future." "She must like you for you." "Hey, everyone!" "Uh..." "I think it's probably time that the happy couple had a little bit of time on their own." "Yeah!" "You can have your old room back!" "My arse is in bulk!" "Don't ruin the momentum!" "How're we gonna get outta this hole?" "I don't know." "You should've just told 'em the truth." "What?" "!" "Oh, aye." ""Sons!"" ""We found out our marriage wasn't real,"" ""but we got married again so you'd all be legitimised."" "D'you know how fucked up that sounds?" "Nothin's changed." "I still want a divorce." "Okay." "And I'm still leavin' tomorrow." "Here y'are." "Get on this!" "I just got a call." "You know that prick on the burger van?" "He's only been blagging to people that he's shagging Paddy Maguire!" "Ffffff fuckin' cock!" "How could you betray me?" "I had no choice." "Just tell me where the money is and I'll post your bail." "Dead simple." "Over my dead body." "The... the basin!" "Of my commode." "Libby." "Libby!" "Oh, my God." "Our honeymoon." "You carried that round in your pocket for two years, y'know." "I've got a confession to make." "It's not from Giant's Causeway." "Our Shane got the real one stuck up his nose when you was away in Belfast." "Nearly had a thrombo." "Got our Jamie to go out and find another stone when we got back." "So I walked around with this in my pocket for nothin', then." "I wouldn't let you wash this, remember?" "Oh, God." "My tears." "You wanted to keep my tears." "The day Lennon was shot." "Nothin' to do with Lennon." "Our Jamie said his first word that day." ""Mam."" "His first word was "Da"." "Mandy's first word was "Dad"." " Cheers, mate." "Thanks very much." " Cheers, mate." "Feel good shaggin' the cock o' Chastworth?" "Eh?" "You shouting' the odds off about me!" "I said, "Keep stum," didn't I?" "!" "Well, Paddy, listen..." "I'm not Paddy Maguire, okay?" "!" "What?" "I'm tired with the lies!" "With mine, yours, ev'ryone else's!" "It's not worth it!" "Look, you wanna know the truth?" "I'm a closet poofter who wears furry slippers!" "I file me toenails!" "I like "The Waltons"!" "No!" "I love" ""The Waltons"." "And I had a dog what used to suck me off!" "So you still wanna go out, then?" "Eh?" "You're not Paddy?" "Yeah, I thought not." "Get this van out of here by midnight or I'll fuckin' scalp ya!" "Which was hers?" "They were all hers." "We did alright, you and me, y'know." "I know, love." "There were good days." "We were a brilliant family." "We are... a brilliant family." "I'm sorry I couldn't make it work." "Keep it, Paddy." "No." "You keep it." "It'll remind you of how it used to be." "That life we had." "You're a good dad." "Deep down in there, you're a good man." "What the fuck are you doing?" "!" "What does it look like?" "Makin' a mistake!" "I know your marriage is a sham!" "I heard you both." "Talkin' about divorce and Ireland." "Look, don't try and deny it." "Mum, you told me that the only basis for a solid relationship is the truth." "So is this because it's love... or just because it's easy?" "Just do the right thing." "Not for us, or anyone else... but for you." "We'll love ya no matter what." "Heyyy!" "Y'know, you shouldn't beat yourself up about it, mate." "I mean, if we're all really honest... wouldn't take that much for us to murder one of our kids." "Most of us might stop at dismembering, though." "Y'know...?" "Heh heh heh, I'm only..." "I'm only fuckin' with ya!" "Come on!" "Come on." "Your deal." " Love." " Heyyy." "Gonna let Mum stew for a while..." "Alright." "and you and me, sweetheart, are goin' out gallavanting." "Oh!" "I fuckin' love you, Libby Croker!" "The first date I had with Paddy," "I was wearin' this little black dress." "I looked great." "He knew it and I knew it." "What're you gonna tell the other two?" "Don't worry about them." "They're used to you disappearing'... and me just bein' around." "Wore that dress again for our first anniversary." "Couldn't get into it for the second." "Or third." "I didn't chuck it out, though." "Hung on to it for years, tellin' meself that one day it'd fit again." "Ain't never did." "It was in the wardrobe years... just hangin'... waitin'." "Goodbye, Mimi." "In the end, I had to admit defeat and let it go." "It just didn't fit anymore." "Just didn't fit." "Elsewhere, police are investigating a spate of disappearances in the Manchester area." "They say it is a particularly unusual case, as all the victims have the name "J. Beam"." "And in other news, rallies today continued outside the town hall." "The message was clear..." "Fuckin' love my kids."