"Previously on "californication"..." " my name is hank." " I know." "This is mia,bill's daughter.And this is hank." " You know each other?" " No." "I am 16, you know." "So I've been told." "I was supposed to bethe guest speaker at mia's school today, but I have togo out of town." " They're very young." " Oh, say that again... slower this time.My fleshy T.A.Didn't hear you." "Look, just be careful of himand those of his ilk." "Hank moody,as I live and breathe, are you looking outfor me?" " Back to work." " Yes, sir." " Anythingyou want to tell me about?" " Please.I'm a married man." "In this past life of ours,was I mean?" "You weren't mean, no." "But you canbe pretty hard on people, hank." "I wish it was different." "And so do I." "Hey." "Yikes." "Do you know anythingabout wine?" "Wine is fine,but whiskey is quicker." "Suicide is slowwith liquor." "Sabbath." "Close -- ozzy, solo." " But nice try." " Thanks." "that stuff will kill you." "Life will kill you." "That's heavy.It will make sense." " Taking it in." " Let it sink in." "Here you go." "No, no.I can't let you do that." "Unless you've gotsome "fuck you" money stashed upyour whosie-whatsit, you're shit outof places to look.So just take it." " You're sweet." " It's my pleasure." "And cute." " Thank you." " You're welcome." "What?" "It's a damsel in distress." "I love all women.I love you.I'll make a run at you, crusty.I will." "Californication Season 1 Episode 06" "I fucking love vinyl." "Yeah, it just sounds better." "It's warmer, right?" "It's just human." "You're just an analog guy in a digital world, aren't you?" "I might steal that." "What is your name, by the way?" "Wouldn't you rather just fuck me and never know?" "Oh, fuck.Who says romance is dead?" "Oh, shit.You again?" "Fuck me." " All right, sure." " Stop it.I've been robbed." "Save the dramafor your mama." "She stole my guitar...and my records." "My records!" "Oh, the humanity!" " Who did this?" " I don't know.Some girl." "She let you have access tothe most intimate of her areas, and she didn't give youher name?" "Well, it seemed like a prettyfair trade-off at the time." "You should have seen her.What do you want?" "Peace in the middle east,a two-hour orgasm, a few pagesof your lesser work." "That is not possible." "There is no such thingas a two-hour orgasm or my lesser work." " No." " No?" " Yes." " Yes?" "Yes -- no,if you want lesser work, just write somethingyourself." "I can'T.I'm lazy." " I'll say." " I'll cry rape." "No, you won'T." "How do you know?" "'Cause you enjoy torturing meentirely too much." "That's true." "Okay, listen,you just write something -- anything -- okay,and I will help you with it." "I'll give you notes." " Really?" " Yes." " You'd do thatfor me?" " Of course.Why wouldn't I?" "My own fatherhasn't even so much as offered to help mewith my homework, so... you know,as much as I love to hear about bill's failingsas a parent," "I do notlike to be compared to him in the same sentence." "It kind of creeps me out." "Given that you'vebeen inside of me and all?" "Something like that,okay.Now, you're a smartlittle sociopath." "I'm sure you canput two sentences together.Now scram." "You wanted me?" "you know, I " " I dropped an advilon the floor earlier and couldn't find it." "I thoughtmaybe you could... crawl aroundand look for it." "Whatever you say, boss." "Go slowly.I don't want youto miss anything." "Yes, boss.Maybe I shouldlook more closely." "Poor you.Your head must be throbbing." "It -- it --it is actually, a bit." "Anybody home?" " Hey, baby!" " Hi, baby." "Good afternoon,mrs.Runkle." "Dani?" "What's going on?" "I dropped an advil on the floorearlier and couldn't find it." "I looked myself, you know." " And then my back just -- - found it." "Thank you, dani." "That's an advil." "Oh,you can take lunch." "Oh, I'll just eat somethingat my desk." "It was nice to see you,mrs.Runkle." "She's like your little slave,that one." "Uh,you want to get lunch?" "I'd rather get laid." "Excuse me?" "I want to change things upa little bit." "I used to come byfor nooners all the timewhen you were at caa." "Yeah, well, that was caa.Everybody was fucking everybody." "Besides,dani's right outside, there." "Even better." "Come on." "I'll lap-dance youif you throw me 20 bucks." "Oh, you're alreadyhalfway there." "Mmm, that's it." "Oh, yeah.Yeah, baby." "That's it, baby.But take your time.Take your time.Take your -- oh." "Maybe I'll hitnordstrom'S." "You're on time,as usual." "This chick stole my t-shirt --my favorite t-shirt." "The "keith richardsfor president" one." "The one I got youat that little boutiquey place?" " I love that." " I know.I'm sad about it." "Why did she stealyour t-shirt?" "You reallywant to know?" "Good point." "Ladies and gentlemen,from venice, california, please welcome kill jill!" "are you crying?" "Shut up." "Allergies." "We should do thismore often." "I mean, I'm not deludedor anything." "I know you guys aren'tgonna live happily ever after." "It's just niceto be together sometimes." "As long as you guysdon't hate each other, I don't seewhat the big deal is." "Oh, you know, um...this could be uncle charlie.So I'm --I'm gonna just... sure." "Yes." "You have to come get me." "No, I can't do that.I'm a little busy right now." "Asshole, you have to.I'm in trouble." "What kind of trouble?" "Remember my teacher?" "He's cokedout of his mind, and he's trying to get meinto a threesome." "Jesus.Fuck." "I can't call karen." "She'll tell my dad,and I'll be in a world of shit." "Don't you have any friendswho can come get you, a friend witha fucking learner's permit?" "Aren't you my friend,hank?" "In a word, no." "Don't worry about it.I'll figure it out myself." "Get the fuck off me,you asshole!" "Hold on, where --where are you?" "Hey.Hey." "Do you want to goto the movies with us, dad?" "would that I could, but it turns out that wasbald old uncle charlie." "And he's going througha rough patch, and he kind of needsa friendly ear, so... uncle charlie, huh?" "Just an ear?" "Nothing else?" "Do you thinkI'd rather be anywhere else?" "Hey." "Moody!" "Hank fucking moody!" "You came!" "What the fuck is up,my brother from another mother?" "Where is she?" "Mia?" "I don't know.She said she was gonna call you." "Glad you could make it,mofro." "You were expecting me?" "Yeah, we thoughtyou might want to partake.Line?" "Let's go." "Hey,where are you going, man?" "I was hoping you mightwant to get in on this action." "Get in on what action?" "You and me and bettyand veronica here make three." "Well, four, actually.I'm sorry.My bad." "I'm fuckingsnow-blind right now." "You need toget out of the way." "You're a one-on-onekind of guy.Tap that ass, dude.Go for it." "Hey, you've got todrink the nectar, right?" "One more word..." "And I will put youthrough that fucking wall." "Okay." "Would you mind readingsomething of mine sometime?" "That's good." "Fine.Give methe silent treatment." "See where it gets you." "What were you thinking?" "I wanted out of there." "You weren't in trouble." "Sure I was.I was in dangerof being bored to death." " You cried wolf." " So?" "Maybe I justwanted to see you." "Did you ever think that maybeI did not want to see you." "Never entered my mind.You enjoy the banter too much." "noWhat I was enjoying wasspending time with my daughter." " And karen?" " Yes, and karen." " Don't enjoy it too much,pal." " Why not?" "Because she's marryingmy father." "You don't even like the guy." "What do you care?" "Yeah, maybe he's not muchof a parental figure." "It doesn't meanI don't want to see him happy." "And she makes him happy,hank." "Captain fantastic." "But the question isdoes he make her happy?" "I mean, right?" "That's whatyou really want to know." "Why can'tyou just ask me?" "Why don'tyou just fuck off?" "Come on.What do you think?" "In your heart or hearts,what's your best guess?" "I don't know." "Thanks for the ride." "How's uncle charlie?" "I just came byto say goodnight to our little courtney lovein training." "Well, she went to celebratewith her bandmates." "Will you please tell her that I will call herfirst thing in the morning." "Yes, I will." "Whoa, she was A... she was good tonight,huh?" "I know.She was incredible." "And we made that.You made it." "You helped,like, a teeny bit." "***" "All right." "I apologize.Good night." "Do you want to come infor a drink?" "So, uh, did danisay anything to you about our littleafternoon session?" " No.No." " No?" "Well, I mean,even if she heard, it's not like I talk aboutmy love life with my assistant." "Okay." "Although, I have to say,you know, when you said that thingabout her being my slave, it -- it did get mekind of thinking." "Thinking about what?" "You know, um...role-playing." "You know,master/slave, dominance/submission,bondage." "You know, we never triedany of that stuff." "I'm just trying to,you know, mix things up a little bit,like you did today." "Okay.Okay, I hear you." "So, uh, do you want meto beat the crap out of you?" "if you...if you want, I guess." "Or, you know,I could beat you up, whichever you prefer." "Or nobody has tobeat anybody up.We just -- there's a masterand a slave." "And the slave does whateverthe master tells her to." ""Her" being me,your slave." "In that example, yeah." "Okay, so..." "What do you want meto do?" "you know,whatever makes you happy, right?" "Maybe you want me to make you wear a ball gaging your mouth." "Or maybe you would want meto drip hot candle wax on your nipples." "Or maybe you liketo be teased, right?" "I could bring youto the brink of orgasm without everletting you come." "I feel likewe've done that." "All right, maybe --maybe you want me to pee on you." "Why would I want youto pee on me?" "I don't know.I just " " I know there's peoplethat do that." "Okay, that's all." "Look, baby, I'm in." "Just start doingsome shit to me." "We'll see how it goes,okay?" "You know what, we shouldprobably have a safe word, right, you know,so I know what your limits are." "How about,"don't pee on me"?" "Okay,that should work." " God damn it!" " Sorry.Sorry." "Okay, okay,let me rub it." " Don't touch it!" " Okay." "What would you doif our little spawn actually became,like, a rock star?" "I would be really proudof her." "You would?" "And I would be there to help pump her stomachwhen she od'D." "Oh, god." "Do you think she's ever... do you thinkshe's ever smoked pot?" "I mean,like, successfully." "No, no, she told me that she saw you and billget high once, and it so creeped her out that she swore to meshe was never gonna try it." "So,well done with that." " Bill -- - yeah?" "Bill saw --he saw a spider." "A spider?" "That guy, he is the biggestfucking pansy in captivity." "You happy?" " What?" " It's a simple question.Are you happy?" "I don't even knowwhat that means anymore." "All right, I'll --I'll make it specific.Does billmake you happy?" " Yes." " Bullshit!" "No!" " No, no!" " He does." " He makes me really happy." " Like I made you happy?" "You made mefucking insane." "Seriously,I never made you happy?" "I made you insane?" "I mean, once upon a time,you made me happy." "But then you made me crazy, and that was okay, too,for a while." "But then I --I evolved." "You outgrew me." "I understand." "And I didn't?" "No, you stayed righting the crazy zone." "***" "Well,that is a hell of a way to sum up a decade-longlove affair." "Well, mr.Moody... how would you sum it up?" "I would saywe loved each other too much." "Too much." "And I thinkwe made the mistake of getting it rightthe first time, and that put an insane amountof pressure on us to keep it going.And... we buckled." "You knowwhat I miss most about -- well, aside from becca,of course." "I miss your smell." "That's it?" "When you left,I couldn't wash the sheets because I didn't want tolose that completely -- you." "And it fucked me upfor a long time because I would wake upand I'd smell you and I'd thinkyou were there." "And that would -- my heartwould break all over again." "I think that's why I go infor the kiss all the time." "I know, yeah.I think I'm going for... another hit." "Have you washedthose sheets yet?" "Oh, well, you know,I had to throw them away." "Oh, good." "Yeah, this hotlittle starbucks barista got her periodall over them." "You're so fucking disgusting." "You see?" "Look at that.You see?" "Why do youhave to say shit like that?" "If I can make youlaugh like that, why can't we be together?" "That's whatI don't understand." "You know what?" "You don't want to be with me.You think --I know you think you do." "But if I were togive myself to you, you wouldrun for the hills, 'cause you're noting love with me, hank." "You're in love with the idea --the idea of love." "Now, on that brave,profound note, I'm gonna goand get some coffee." "How you can beso fucking beautiful and so fucking wrong?" " what?" " You're runningfor the hills." "Yes, you are." "Oh, my god!" "I'm sorry." "Calm down, girly man." "It's not like I blew youor anything." "Get off of me." "Hey, I'm taking you upon your offer." "Read thisand give me notes." " Now?" "!" " Yeah.What else are you doing?" "What happenedlast night?" "Too drunk to drive?" "Too limp to fuck?" "Does my father have anythingto worry about?" "get***" "Hey, mia?" "Mia?" "Hey.You're up.Good morning...to you." "Have you seen miaanywhere?" "No, who?" "Mia, no." " ***" " No." "Uh, okay.About last night... let's -- let's --let's not and say we did." "Really?" "You don't wantto talk about it?" "Not so much...now." "That's fine." "I'm just a little raw." "It's too soon for me." "Are you okay?" "You're being kind of weird." " Do you feel -- - no, no, I'm good." " are***" " I'm good." "Do you want meto get you some advil?" "No, no, no.No, no.No, I'm good." " I'll put some coffee on." " Thank you." "You're too good to me." "What about last night?" "Does my father have anything to worry about?" "No more than usual." "Oh, my god!" "You look so lame." "Well, good,because that's exactly the look that I'm going for." "Have a seat." "Don't mind if I do." "Coffee?" "For the love of god,yes." " Times?" " Boo-ya." "What?" "You eat pop-tarts?" "Hello?" "Pop-tarts?" "I know." "***" "I know.Yeah, we miss you, too." "So much." "When areyou coming back?" "Okay, uh-huh.Yeah." "I've got to go." " I'll call you later." " Bye." "Bye-bye, mia." "Yes, she's right here." "What?" ""Rome is burning," he said, as he poured himself another drink." ""Yet here I am, knee-deep in a river of pussy."" ""Here it comes," she thought, "another self-indulgent, whiskey-soaked diatribe about how fucking great everything was in the past..." "And how all us poor souls born too late "to see the stones at wherever "" "or snort the good coke like they had at studio 54, "" "well, we had all just missed out on practically everything worth living for." "" And the worst part was, she agreed with him." "I felt bad." "You were so nice to me,and I totally took advantage." "So... do you want to get highand listen to some records?" "by the way,my name is " ""here we are," she thought, "at the edge of the world, "" "the very edge of western civilization," ""and all of us are so desperate to feel something, "anything, that we keep falling into each other and fucking our way towards the end of days." "Californication Season 1 Episode 06"