"Okay, children, this week we are all going to learn about parenting." "I'm going to pair all the boys and girls in class into couples, and give each couple..." "an egg" "You must care for and look after this egg just like a baby for one full week." "If you break your egg, it means you have a dead baby, and if you kill your baby, you get an F." "When I announce your names, please move and sit with the person you're paired with." "Heidi, you'll be with Eric." "Annie, you'll be a family with Timmy." "Timmay!" "Milly, your husband is Craig." " Powder, you and Kenny are a loving couple now." " Oh no, dude, he's gonna put me with Wendy." " Aaand let's see who else we have here, uh..." " So, I haven't even spoken to Wendy since we broke up." "And, Wendy?" "Wendy will be with Kyle." "Kyle ?" "Bebe, you're paired up with Stan." "Lola and Token, Red and Craig, and Esther and Bradley." "Now, I'm going to sign each of your eggs myself, so that we'll know it's the same one at the end of the week." "That way if anybody cheats and tries to replace their eggs, we'll know, Eric" "All you have to do is make it to Friday with your egg unharmed to prove what great little parents you are." "Okay children, you can now take the rest of the school period to decorate your egg however you wish." "Good luck, and remember, a dead baby means an F for the parents." "Just look at all these little families" "Newfound couples in a happy home." "It takes me back to another time" "When I had a love of my own." "Love, love lost long ago, it was special then, it's over now." "Love, so darn frail, you know?" "It shriveled and died." "I don't know how." "Love, love lost long ago, it was special then, it's over now." "Guess that I'll never know how it all went wrong." "How how how?" "Well perhaps I should try and boldly go and rekindle that love lost long ago" "Mr. Garrison!" "Ohoh, Jezuth!" "Just let me say what I came here to say." "I know we had a falling out and... things were said that... shouldn't have been said." "I want to apologize for calling you a faggot." "That's, that's wonderful, Mr. Garrison!" "Well, wait, wait, it gets better." "I've forgiven you for walking out on me after I had my sex change, and uh..." "And I'm ready to take you back, Mr. Slave!" "Well, give us a kiss!" "Slave, honey, is that the pizza?" "What the hell is he doing here?" "!" "Mr. Garrison, Al and I have been living together for a few months." "Well, that didn't take you long, did it?" "!" "Slave, should I leave you two alone?" "Yeah." "No!" "Mr. Garrison, there's something you should know." "Al and I are getting married." "Married ?" "Yes." "You can't get married!" "You're faggots!" "Oh, Jezuth Christh." "Mr. Slave, I am legally a woman now!" "If you wanna get married, you have to marry ME!" "Oh that's not true!" "Colorado is about to pass a bill which allows same-sex marriage." "We're getting married right after the bill passes on Saturday." "Oh, that's just great!" "They're gonna let queers and homos get married, huh?" "!" "Okay, that's enough." "Out, Mr. Garrison." "We'll just see about this, you fudge-packin' fags!" "I'll stop that gay-marriage law!" "Oh my God, you're just saying that because you're jealous." "Jealous of what?" "!" "I'm doin' this out of principle!" "To protect the sanctity of marriage!" "Fags are gettin' married over MY DEAD BODY!" "Hello?" "Oh hey dude." "So, what are you and Wendy doing?" "Oh, we're just makin' a cradle out of an egg carton for our egg" "We figure that way it'll be easier to keep safe so we can get an A." "Uh huh..." "I don't think it's gonna be that hard to keep it from breaking." "This whole assignment is stupid." "Yeah, well, so is your hat" "Stan, I need you to watch the egg for a while." "I can't." "I'm busy." "I've been looking after it all day." "I have to go to the hair salon and the candy store!" "...So take it with you!" "Stan, this is our egg." "We're both supposed to take care of it." "Well maybe I didn't want to have an egg with you, okay Bebe?" "!" "Well whether you wanted to or not doesn't really matter now!" "We're going to get graded together!" "It's your egg too!" "Own up to your responsibilities!" "These homosexuals think they can just step all over our traditions!" "Well I say:" "Marriage is a holy sacrament between a man and a woman!" "Who is that lady?" "I don't know, but she is pissed." "They passed this law behind our back!" "We need to tell the governor and the world that gay marriage is not okay!" "That homosexuals cannot muddy our traditions!" "And there is only one way for us, all together, to make that messeage very clear!" "We need to round up three or four queers and beat the livin' hell out of them!" "Come on, everybody!" "Let's get some queers, and some trucks, and have us a good old-fashioned fag drag!" "Well uh, we were thinkin' we would, you know, just go appeal to the Governor" "Appeal to the Governor?" "Oh,come on!" "Where's your balls?" "!" "Fag drag!" "We don't "hate" homosexuals, we, we we just don't want them to be able to marry." "Yeah, we were just thinkin' o' goin' and askin' the Governor to veto the bill." "Yeah !" "Eh fah, fag drag?" "Governor, we have collected over one thousand signatures requesting that you veto this gay-marriage bill!" "Oh jeez, I knew this would happen." "First the gay people come in here wanting equal rights, then this bill gets passed and now all the people against it want me to veto it" "Why do I have to make this decision?" "Because you're the governor?" "I just wanted a big house and lots of respect." "I didn't want this kind of responsibility" "I mean, I don't know anything about gay marriage." "What argument can I use to deny them their right to a family?" "Well, think of the children!" "If you allow gays to get married, then you're also giving' them full rights as parents to adopt." "You think kids can be raised by queers?" "I can't use that argument." "There's never been a study done which proves that either way." "But, if you had such a study, a scientific study which proved same-sex couples are incapable of raising a child..." "Then I would have something to fall back on." "So-something to take all the pressure off of me." "Mr. Governor, I will get you that study." "Hey Wendy, how's your egg doing?" "Oh great." "It's a pretty easy project." "Kyle's really good with the egg." "I wish I had a partner like Kyle!" "I went to go pick up the egg from Stan yesterday, and his dog had it in its mouth!" "Our egg isn't gonna last a week with Stan around!" "Okay, students, change of plan!" "You've all been doing a great job taking care of your eggs, but now we're going to mix it up a little." "Wendy and Kyle will no longer be together." "Let's see what happens when we put two same-sex couples together to take care of an egg, shall we?" "!" "Kyle, you are now with Stan!" "And Wendy is with Bebe!" "Why ?" "Come on, Bebe." "We'll take your egg for you and Wendy to look after." "Oh goodie." "And we'll just take this egg for Stan and Kyle to look out for." "No." "No, that's my egg." "Wendy, we're doing an experiment." "Here you go, boys." "But I made that egg." "Mr. Garrison, please." "Youyou can't give my egg to Stan, he'll break it." "Hoh now, what makes you say that, Wendy?" "I'm sure two boys can handle an egg just fine..." "And if not, we'll certainly prove a point to that goddamned Govermor, won't we?" "Who ?" "Never mind, just carry on, children." "Just carry on as two reckless little boys will." "Okay, there." "Now we can carry this egg around in this case without it getting cracked." "All right, give it to me." "I'll take it home tonight." "Look, Stan, you want me to just take care of this egg?" "Why do you say that?" "It's just that..." "I really need this A, Stan." "And Bebe did say you almost broke your last egg." "That's because I was pissed off!" "At who?" "Hang on." "I wanna see my egg." "Huh?" "I want to see my egg." "Wendy, it isn't your egg anymore!" "Yes it is." "I made it, I decorated it." "Well, you might have made it, but we're the ones who are taking care of it now." "You have your own egg to look out for!" "...I just wanna hold my egg for a couple of minutes." "Wendy, I just wanna get an A, okay?" "Let's not make this any more confusing than it already is" "Don't let anything happen to it, please." "Wendy, nothing's gonna happen to the egg." "You can have it when the week is over and I have my grade." "Freakin' weirdos, man." "You think you're sooo great, don't you?" "!" "Well guess what?" "!" "Maybe I don't need your help!" "I'm taking the egg home tonight, and I'm gonna show everybody tomorrow that I'm every bit as good a egg-take-care-ofer as you!" "What the hell is wrong with everybody?" "Okay, children, it's Wednesday!" "Time for an official egg check!" "Heidi and Eric?" "Our egg is fine." "Okay, Annie and Timmy?" "Good." "Millie and Clyde, I saw yours before class." "Powder and Kenny?" "Now how about our gay couples?" "Stan and Kyle?" "Fine!" "What?" "No problems at all!" "That's impossible!" "Are you sure you didn't break it and switch eggs on me?" "!" "Where's my signature?" "!" "It's right there, see?" "Two boys can't possibly take care of an egg!" "Dude, it's totally fine." "It isn't fine!" "It has two daddies!" "You call that fine?" "!" "It may be fine on the outside, but inside it's confused and embarrassed!" "Look at the freak egg!" "It has two daddies!" "Two daaadies!" "Two daaadies!" "Come on, class, let's rip on the freek egg!" "Two daaadies!" "Two daaadies!" "Tom, I'm standing outside the Governor's office, where in just two days, the Governor can either sign or veto the new bill allowing gay marriage." "Same-sex couples from all over the state have shown up in support, while dissenters have also converged." "The governor is about to give a statement." "I believe that I might have come up with a compromise to this whole problem that will make everyone happy!" "People in the gay community want the same rights as married couples, but dissenters don't want the word "marriage" corrupted." "So how about we let gay people get married, but call it something else?" "You homosexuals will have all the exact same rights as married couples, but instead of refering to you as "maarriied," you can be... butt buddies." "Instead of being "man and wife," you'll be... butt buddies." "You won't be "betrothed," you'll be... butt buuuddies." "Get it?" "Instead of a "bride and groom," you'd be... butt buddies." "We wanna be treated equally!" "Y-you are equal." "It's just that instead of getting "engaged," you would be... butt buuuddies." "And everyone is happy!" "Well what about lesbians?" "!" "Well like anyone cares about fuckin' dykes." "Oh, God, I was sure that would work." "Damnit, damnit!" "Stan and Kyle's egg is still doin' fine!" "Those little assholes are screwing' up my entire plan!" "Yes, what?" "!" "What the hell is this?" "!" "I broke the egg." "You broke your egg?" "Uh but you're partnered with a girl." "I tried to cover it up, tried to put it back together with modeling glue, tried to seal it with a soldering gun, but, I give up." "I can't hide it, I broke the egg." "Did you tell anyone else about this?" "No." "Did you tell your egg partner, Heidi?" "No." "That's why I'm here." "I think you should still give Heidi an A on the project." "You see, I broke the egg, not her." "And so, I should get an F, and she should get an A, which means that together the grade should average out to C minus for both of us." "I can't do that, Eric!" "Damnit!" "I knew you'd say that!" "You always have it out for me!" "You have to get an A, Eric." "Here:" "I'll sign this new egg for you." "We'll pretend this never happened, all right?" "Just... put on the old hair, color in the same eyes..." "There we go, good as new." "Go enjoy the rest of your recess." "Mr. Garrison..., you've never been this cool to me before." "...Okay, well, you're welcome, Eric." "Now, just run along." "...Why are you doing this" "Because I'm a nice teacher, all right?" "What do you want from me?" "Nothing!" "It's all okay!" "Just take your damn egg!" "No." "Eric, you've never been anything but a problem for me!" "You're taking that egg!" "And if you break it again, I'll break both your legs, and burn down your house!" "Do you hear me?" "!" "Yes, teacher." "Get out of my face!" "Urrgh, this scentific study isn't turning out the way I planned!" "Looks like I'm gonna have to... intervene." "Are you Jakartha?" "Who the hell are you?" "!" "Mrs. Garrison." "I spoke to your associates on the telephone." "Ahh yes, you are interested in my services." "I have a little... problem I need taken care of." "I heard you're the best" "Who do you want me to kill?" "What is this?" "It's an egg." "You want me to kill an egg?" "I can pay two thousand now, three more when the job is finished." "What do you expect me to do with it?" "I don't care." "Scramble it, fry it, do what you will!" "It has to look like an accident." "I am a serious assassin!" "Get out of my face!" "What's the matter?" "You... afraid you can't do it?" "Can't say that I blame ya." "That egg has caused me nothin' but problems since day one!" "I guess... you're not as good as they say you are..." "I am the greatest killer the world has ever seen!" "Then why are you scared of one little ehhhhgg?" "!" "I will murder that egg!" "Then I will make it curse the day it was laid!" "That's more like it!" "Day five." "I made it!" "Hello?" "Dude, did you hear what's happening?" "What?" "Garrison is taking us all on a field trip today." "He wants to do the final egg check in front of the Governor's office!" "Governor's office?" "She's really taking this grade seriously, Stan." "I'm gonna come over so that we can take our egg to school together, all right?" "Aah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?" "!" "I took care of this egg, Kyle, not you!" "Okay, Stan, you've been an asshole to me all week!" "What is up?" "!" "What's up?" "!" "Oh, nothing except that you've been trying to impress Wendy all week long like a pathetic dickhole!" "Impress Wendy?" "You've set it all up to look like you're this awesome prince and I'm just a loser!" "What the hell are you talking about?" "!" "Well guess what?" "!" "I'm gonna take this egg to class myself!" "And I'm gonna hold it up in front of Wendy, and say "See?" "!" "I'm every bit as good as Kyle is."" "Almost too easy." "Stan ?" "Stan?" "Stan, I think we should talk." "Dude, you should just go be with Wendy and be happy." "Stan, I don't like Wendy." "All I cared about was getting an A in this stupid project!" "Yeah well, I blew it." "Now we're gonna fail and Wendy thinks I'm a total loser." "I thought you didn't care about Wendy anymore." "I don't." "She's totally lame." "Stan, there was never anything between Wendy and I" "I wouldn't go out with my best friend's ex-girlfriend." "I'm sorry I didn't trust you, Kyle." "I'm obviously just a crappy best friend to have." "Yyeah well, I-I'm sorry I didn't trust you either." "Huh?" "It was really important for me to get an A, Stan." "And Bebe said you were so reckless with your egg, so I made a fake one for you and kept the original safe with me." "That..." "That's the real egg with Garrison's signature?" "Yeah dude." "I'm sorry." "Then... then Wendy won't think I'm a total loser!" "Yeah." "And I can still get my A!" "Come on, buddy, let's go!" "Stan..." "Do you really think my hat is stupid?" "As a matter of fact,..." "I think it is the nicest hat I've ever known" "Come on!" "Today is a very big day in which I'm supposed to make a very big decision." "As some of you know, my biggest issue with gay marriage regards child-rearing." "And a new study has just been concluded which will give me the ability to take no personal responsibility in this decision." "A new study?" "Here with the results of that study is the lovely Mrs. Garrison" "Thank you, Governor." "Ogh, Jesuth Christh." "Ladies and Gentlemen, with the help of some adorable fourth-grade students, we've completed our scientific, non-biased study of fags having kids." "Come on up, children." "The parents were grouped together as male and female." "As you can see..." "Uh, Mrs. Garrison." "You have an emergency phone call." "Yes, what is it?" "!" "I'm a little busy!" "Mr. Garrison, it's Kyle!" "Our egg is okay!" "We'll be there in a couple of minutes!" "What?" "Y-your... you're too late!" "Don't fail us!" "We'll be right there!" "No you can'" " Hello?" "Hello!" "You told me you killed that freak egg!" "I was sure I did!" "Well it's here!" "You'd better make damn sure it doesn't reach these steps uncracked!" "Haha, anyhow, as I was saying, we put one egg into the hands of two male students." "Thanks dude!" "There!" "Over there!" "Excuse us!" "Excuse us please!" "Jesus Christ!" "Keep running!" "The the egg that the two boys were given just" "Hang on!" "Wait!" "In conclusion, Governor, you can rest assured that-!" "Teacher, our egg is... okay." "This egg is fine." "Gays can get married!" "Noo!" "Noooo!" "Gays can get married?" "What?" "I now pronounce you man... and man." "Boys, I'm really proud of you You've done an amazing thing for gay marriage rights." "What did we do" "Stan, I'm sorry I doubted you." "You really made a great dad." "Like I give a crap about what you think, Wendy."