"99?" "Sorry." "99?" "99?" "99?" "Max!" "What are you doing here so early?" "I didn't expect you until 11:00." " Well, something came up." " What?" "One of the teachers at the CONTROL training school got sick and I'm gonna have to take his place." "So I won't be able to go shopping with you today." "Do you mind if I use some of this lotion?" "My hands are a little chapped." "That's not hand lotion." "That's quick-setting hair gel." "Aw, Max." "You were going to help me make some last-minute wedding preparations." "Yes, well, I'm sorry, 99, but you'll have to go shopping by yourself." "But I've got so many places I have to go." "I have to go to the florist shop, and to the bridal shop, and to the caterers" "Well, I promised the Chief that I would do this for him, and I can't back out now, so I'll see you later." "Okay." "Goodbye." "99, the Chief is calling you on the comb phone." "Thank you, 49." "Yes, Chief?" "99, I'm sorry-- I know it's your day off, but I have an urgent assignment that must be competed before nightfall." "Oh, Chief, I have so many errands I have to run today." "I'm aware of that, 99, so I've arranged it so that you can do your errands and the assignment simultaneously." "You're familiar with the Gaul Formula?" "Yes, that's the formula we divided into three parts so that if Kaos got hold of it, they wouldn't be able to use it." "Right." "Now one of these parts has been hidden in each of the three places that you'll be shopping in today as part of your wedding preparations-- the flower shop, catering service, the bridal shop." "So I can do my errands and really be picking up pieces of the Gaul Formula?" "Exactly." "Now as you complete each segment of this assignment," "I want you to check in with me." "If you like, you can take one of those new comb phones." "Oh, that would be terrific!" "It's a marvelous device." "Which one of our agents developed it?" "Well, as a matter of fact, 99, it was my idea." "What ever gave you the idea of turning a comb into a phone?" "99, what else am I going to do with a comb?" "( theme music playing )" "All right, men," "I'm your substitute teacher for today, and my name is..." "Sir, you used the invisible chalk." "Now if you'll erase what you just wrote, then what you just wrote will appear." "I know that!" "You can just call me 86." "Very well." "As the first order of the day," "I shall call the roll." " Lundy?" " Here, sir." " Caruso?" " Yo." "Dillingham?" "Farley?" "Bailey?" "And Bossolovich?" " Uh, who are you?" " I'm Tina." "I'm sorry, Tina, but I don't seem to see your name here on the roll." "I'm not a student." "I'm his girlfriend." "I'm afraid that's against the rules." "I'm sorry, but you'll have to leave." "Okay." "Caruso, you ought to know better than to bring an outsider into this classroom." "He does it every day, and every day she gets thrown out." " Why do you do that?" " I like to watch her leave." "Caruso-- this is a highly-secret training class, and that girl could very easily be an enemy spy." "No problem." "I've been checking her out for the past few weeks." " And she's okay?" " She's sensational." "Where is the rest of the class?" "They're rehearsing for the graduation exercises." "Why aren't you two with them?" "Because it doesn't look like we're gonna be graduating." "Yes, I see." "First of all, you're very weak in two very important espionage subjects-- your grades are alarming in disarming, and you're failing in tailing." "Well, gentlemen, I happen to be an expert in both those subjects." "You see, the whole trick is in coordination, timing... and agility." "Now... our first subject will be tailing." "Okay, any questions?" "Our next subject will be the art of disarming." "Now the important thing to remember in disarming is that you must have two participants-- the disarmer and the disarmee." "I'd like to have two volunteers, please." "Okay then, Caruso and Lundy." "Why does it have to be us?" "All right, let's set up a little situation and see how you handle it." "Caruso, you will be a Kaos agent robbing a CONTROL safe." "Lundy, you will come in and you will find him robbing the safe, and you will pull a gun on him." "Now it will be your job to disarm him." "Okay?" "Let's see how you do it." " Safe's over here." " Oh." "It's gotta be around here somewhere." "All right, gentlemen." "I'm going to give you a simple little tailing assignment." "My fiancée is spending the day shopping." "As a matter of fact, right at this very moment she's in that bridal shop across the street." "Now, your job will be to follow her for the entire day, make a complete report of her activities, and turn it in to me by 6:00 this evening." " That shouldn't be hard." " A lot harder than you think." "You see, Agent 99 happens to be one of CONTROL's shadowing experts." "As a matter of fact, she won the Lamont Cranston Award three years in a row." "She has an uncanny feeling for knowing when she's being followed." " How will we recognize her?" " Very simple" "Her official CONTROL photograph is in this envelope." "Well, that's about it." "Good luck, men," "And remember, when you are following someone, the important thing is to remain inconspicuous." "Inconspicuous, right!" "( crashes )" "( clattering )" "99 calling CONTROL." "Come in, Chief." " What is it, 99?" " Chief, I just left the bridal shop, but all they gave me was a piece of material." "That material has metallic threads running through it." "Those threads are actually micro recording wires that contain the first part of the Gaul Formula." "How clever!" "Is that her?" "I can't tell." "Caruso:" "Hmm." "Now that looks more like her." " That's her!" " Chief, I'll check in again after I leave Carlyle's Catering Service." "Chief!" "There are two Kaos agents following me." "Uh-oh, I didn't think they'd be onto us this fast." "Are you sure, 99?" "I'll check." "( horn blares )" " I'm sure, Chief." " All right, 99." "If you can, lose them." "Meanwhile, I'll put a couple of men on to tail them and protect you." "Right, Chief." "Larabee, I need a couple of men for surveillance duty." "Who's available?" "No, wait a minute." "On second thought," "I'll look in the CONTROL file of the graduating class." "Why the graduating class, Chief?" "Because Kaos knows what all our agents look like." "Those CONTROL Bubblegum Cards we came out with last year backfired." "What we need on this are a couple of agents Kaos has never seen." " How about him, Chief?" " No, he can't be spared." "They're rehearsing the graduation exercises today, and he's doing the tenor solo in "You'll Never Walk Alone."" "Oh, these two look all right to me." " Rookie CONTROL agents 198 and 199." " Contact them immediately and have them stake out Carlyle's Catering Service." "99 should be arriving there any minute now." "Tell them not to contact her directly, but be on the lookout for two Kaos agents who are following her." "Do you think they can handle it, sir?" "They look capable enough to me." "She just went into the catering store." " Who did?" " Agent 99." "Huh." "Did you spot the two Kaos agents the Chief said are following 99?" "Not yet, but we'll know 'em when we see 'em." "One's short like you, the other's tall like me." "99 just came out of the catering store." "99 calling CONTROL." "Come in, Chief." "How are things going, 99?" "Oh, just fine." "I'm just leaving the catering service." "They gave me a sample menu with gravy spots all over it." "Is the menu in code, Chief?" "No, the gravy spots are in code." "Are you still being tailed by those two Kaos agents?" "Yes, Chief." "They're just up the street." "One is reading a newspaper, and the other's hiding in the mailbox." "Well, don't worry, I've got a couple of our men watching them." "Use evasive action and proceed to your next destination, the flower shop." "Right, Chief." "We'll wait here and see if she's being followed." "Hold it!" "Two guys just came out of the catering store." "Did the Chief say one is short and one is tall?" " Right." " Then that's them." "Let's go." "Do you think we should follow 99 or the Kaos agents?" "Well, there's no sense following the Kaos agents." " Why not?" " I saw the picture." "Now here's what we should do-- we check back with the Chief, we tell him the two Kaos guys went into the theater and we ask him if we should follow 99, or stay here with them." "Right." "You watch the door, I'll make the call." "Right." "( buzzing )" "This is the Chief." "Oh, hello, 198." "What's up?" "Well, obviously the Kaos agents are trying to shake you." "Keep that theater under surveillance until they come out." "No, don't worry about 99." "As long as they're in that theater, 99 is safe." " What's all that about 99, Chief?" " It's nothing, Max." "Nothing." " Is she in any danger?" " Max, I can't discuss it." "Now just a moment, Chief!" "99 is my future wife." "We're getting married next week." "If anybody has a right to know, it's me!" "All right, Max." "I'll tell you something, but I don't want you to worry about it." "I've sent 99 on a special assignment." "At this very moment her life may be in jeopardy." "Okay, now tell me the part you don't want me to worry about." "That's it." "99's on a top-secret mission." "And don't ask me to tell you any more about it, because I'm not allowed to discuss it." " Not even with me?" " Not even with you, Max." "This case is a COS security risk." "You know what that means." "Yes." "It can only be discussed under the Cone of Silence." " Right." " Well, why don't we use it, Chief?" "Because it isn't working properly." " It still isn't working?" " It has never worked properly!" "Well that's our fault, Chief." "We never should have bought it at a discount place." "We should have got it from the federal government." "That was three years ago." "There was talk at the time that they might go out of business." "Well, I insist that we use it." "All right, Max." "Isn't there any way we can perfect that thing?" "Well, yes, but unfortunately Professor Cone, the man who invented the Cone of Silence, is out of the country." "The Cone of Silence was invented by a Professor Cone?" "That's right." "That's funny." "Doesn't look it." "Okay, Chief." "Let her go." "( whirring )" "( echoing ) The case I assigned 99 to has to do with the Gaul Formula." "What?" "99 is working on the Gaul Formula." "But why is she in danger?" " What?" " ( shouting ) Why is she in danger?" " Who?" " What?" "Not what, who?" "!" "What?" "The case I assigned 99 to" "( whirring )" "I told you, Max, it's not working!" "Then I'm afraid, Chief, that we'll be forced to use" "CONTROL's Secret Word File." "Max, only in the most extreme emergencies are we permitted to use the CONTROL Secret Word File." "Or when the Cone of Silence is not working." "You're right, Max." "( whirring )" "Telephone call, Chief." "What?" "Well, thank you, Chief." "I'll see you later." "Oh-- one last question." "As long as we were using CONTROL's Secret Word File, why did we have to do it under the Cone of Silence?" "That was going to be my next card to you, Max." "99 calling CONTROL, 99 calling CONTROL." " Go ahead, 99." " I just came out of the florist shop and all they gave me was a nosegay." "That nosegay comprises part three of the formula." "The number of petals on each flower represents a key equation." "Be very careful with it." "Right, Chief." "I'll bring everything right in to CONTROL." "No, take them over to Lum Fong's Chinese Hand Laundry." "Chinese Hand Laundry?" "Lum Fong is CONTROL's top cipher expert." "He'll take the three parts of the Gaul Formula, break them down and put them in a new code which will look like laundry marks inside the collar of a shirt, which will then be sent to one of our scientists in Peru." "Chief, you know the two Kaos agents who've been following me?" "Now there's only one!" " One of the same two?" " No, it's a different one." "I noticed him before, but I had no idea he was following me." " Are you sure it's the same man?" " I'm absolutely positive." "He's dressed a little bit unusually for August." "( bell ringing )" "Ho, ho, ho." "Maybe I'd better try to give him the slip before I go to Lum Fong's." "No time for that." "You've got to go there immediately." "It'll take Lum Fong a couple of hours at least to correlate and recode that material, and that shirt must be on CONTROL's 5:30 laundry flight to Peru." " Right, Chief." " I'll get Agents 198 and 199 directly over to Lum Fong's in case there's trouble." "Good luck, 99." "( bell ringing )" "( Chinese accent ) "Herro!"" " Hello." " What can do for "rady?"" "I'd like to speak to Lum Fong, please." " I "Rum" Fong." " No, I have to speak to Lum Fong, like in "Lum and Abner."" "I "Rum," like "Rum and Abner."" "Well, I'm Secret Agent 99." "I have something for you." "That and that and that." "What I supposed to do with this stuff?" "Where is "Formura"?" "What do you mean, where's the "Formura"?" "Wait a minute, you're supposed to know that!" "You're not Lum Fong!" "You very "crever"!" "You right-- I not "Rum" Fong." "I not even Chinese." "I Yakuro Yamasaki" "Japanese Kaos agent and master of disguise." "Can impersonate Chinese "rike" that." "All right, drop the gun and stay right where you are." "Max!" "Merry Christmas, 99." "I thought you were a Kaos agent." "Why are you dressed like a Santa Claus in August?" "Er, yes, this." "Well, you see," "Saturday night is the CONTROL Costume Party, and all the good costumes were gone." "This was the only one left." "Who's he?" "He's a Japanese Kaos agent" "Yakuro Yamasaki." "Yakuro Yamasaki, eh?" "Max!" "The two Kaos agents!" "99, they're not Kaos agents, they're rookie CONTROL agents-- Lundy and Caruso." "Please not try to "forrow" if you want to "rive"!" "99, you go out front and tell Caruso and Lundy to cover the back." "You stay here and cover the front." "Be careful, Max!" "( speaking Chinese )" " Drop your gun!" " What?" "Oh." "All right, Smart!" "Don't come any "croser"!" "( hisses )" "So!" "The old flatiron-on- the-hot-coals trick, eh?" "Well, my friend, two can play that game." "( clanging )" "I think it only fair to warn you, my friend, that I'm CONTROL's fencing and ironing expert." "Now, I "fratten" your face!" "Hold it, Yamasaki!" "The pants!" "Don't worry, my friend, I've never taken advantage of an unarmed man." "( yells )" "( hisses )" "All right, Lundy, Caruso, get him outta here." "Right." "Max, he almost got away with it." "Yes, but there's an old Chinese proverb that goes, "Life is like a pair of chopsticks." "If you grab them..." "you," uh..." "No, that's not it." "Oh, let's see..." ""Life is like a shirt." "If you lose your buttons..." "you--"" "no, that's not it." "Let's see..." "I've got it!" "Life is a kumquat!" "That's it?" "Life isn't a kumquat?" "( theme music playing )"