"And since it's Rachel's birthday, I thought I'd poach a salmon." "What ?" "Question :" "Why do we always have parties where you poach things ?" "Wanna be on the food committee ?" "Question two :" "Why do we have committees ?" "Why can't we just get pizzas and beers and have fun ?" "Fancy parties are only fun if you're fancy on the inside." "And I'm not sure we are." "You don't want it to be special." "You can throw any kind of party you want." "Joey, they're not real !" "I start miles beneath these things." "They're fake." "See ?" "Honk, honk !" "Wow, it's like porno for clowns !" "The One With the Two Parties" "Neither of Rachel's sisters can come." "I have to invite Dylan and Emma and Shannon Cooper." " No Shannon Cooper." " Why not her ?" "Because she..." "She steals stuff." "Or maybe she doesn't and Joey slept with her and never called her back." "Joey, that is horrible." "Hey, I liked her, all right ?" "Maybe too much." "I don't know." "I guess I just got scared." "I'm sorry." "I didn't know." "I didn't think anyone would buy that." "Okay !" " Hi, honey." "How'd it go ?" " It was the graduation from hell." "My cousin went to hell on a football scholarship." "It's supposed to be a joyous occasion." "Nobody thought my sister would graduate." "It's a testament to what a girl from Long Island will do for a Celica." " What happened ?" " My parents happened." "All they had to do was sit and smile and not talk about the divorce." "But no !" "They fought during the commencement address." "Bishop Tutu actually had to stop and shush them." "You know the good news ?" "I get to serve coffee for eight hours." "So we don't invite her parents." " How about just her mom ?" " Why her mom ?" "Because I already invited her." "Did you ask Stacy Roth ?" "Can't invite her." "She also steals." "[UNCUT] So does her roommate." "Here are the candles." "Where's the cake ?" "We're not having birthday cake." "We're having birthday flan." "Excuse me ?" " It's a Mexican custard dessert." " That's nice." "Happy birthday, Rachel." "Here's some goo !" "Dr. Greene !" "Oh, my God !" "It's Rachel's dad." "What are you doing here ?" "A father can't see the daughter on her birthday ?" "No, no, the father can." "But since I'm the roommate, I can tell you she's not here." "And I'll pass along the message." "So bye-bye." "You're having a party." "No, no, not a party." "Just a surprise gathering of some people Rachel knows." " This is Phoebe, Chandler and Joey." " I won't remember that." "So what's the deal ?" "Rachel comes home, people pop out and yell stuff ?" "This isn't your first surprise party, is it, sir ?" "Hi, Monica." "The Chinese menu guy." "Forgot the menus." "So basically, just a Chinese guy." "Dr. Greene, come with me." "We'll put your jacket on Rachel's bed." "All right." "That sounds like a two-person job." "Well, my goodness !" "What was that ?" "I thought you were Rachel." "We weren't ready for you yet." " You thought I was Rachel ?" " Because you look so young." "And because you're both, you know, white women." "Oh, I missed you kids." "Should I put my coat in the bedroom ?" " No, I'll take that for you." " Well, thank you." "Such a gentleman." "Thank you." "It all looks so nice." "So festive." "All the balloons." "Oh, the funniest thing happened to me on the way here." " I was driving..." " That's great !" "I can't wait to hear it, but I have to go to the bathroom." " Hey, come with me." " What ?" "Like we're gal pals." "Like at a restaurant." "It'll be fun !" "Come on." " Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God !" " Think." "Think." "What would Jack and Chrissy do ?" "Okay, now that your coat is safely in the bed..." "We can come back to the living room." "Joey and Chandler, it's time you take Dr. Greene over to your place." "Yes, absolutely." "Why, again ?" "Because that's where the party is, you goon !" " This is the staging area." " Right, it's the staging area." "This is clearly in the wrong apartment." "All right, you guys are off to party number one." "And you..." "You are off to party number two." "Let's keep it moving, let's keep it moving." "Could you at least send some women to my party ?" "Okay, that's Ross." "All right." "Okay, they're coming." "Thank you for a wonderful dinner." "Thanks for being born." "Thank you for my beautiful earrings." "They're perfect." "I love you." "Now, you can exchange them if you want, okay ?" "Now I love you even more." "Surprise !" "Oh, my gosh !" "Wow !" "Monica !" "Oh, my God." "Mom !" "This is so great !" "Happy birthday, sweetie." "You !" "I had no idea !" " Really ?" " No, I knew." "All right." "There's food and drinks on the table." "Go across the hall." "Now, Joey and Chandler's." " Why ?" " Just go." "Weird." "Surprise !" "Happy birthday, sweet pea." "Daddy !" "Both of them are here ?" "Both of them are here ?" " Well, we could count again ?" " I can't believe this." "This is ridiculous." "This is your birthday, your party." "Put them together." "If they can't deal with it, who cares ?" " I do." " That's who." "Will you be okay ?" "I don't really have a choice." "I can look at the bright side." "I get two birthday parties and two cakes." "Well, actually, just one birthday flan." "What ?" "It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert." "Talk to Monica." "She's on the food committee." "A girl walked up to me and said, "I want you, Dennis" and stuck her tongue down my throat." "I love this party !" " Volleyball question." " Volleyball." "We set up a court in your room." "You didn't like that gray lamp, did you ?" "A woman stuck her tongue down my throat." "I'm not even listening." " Dennis !" " Okay, that's me." "Can you keep Dad occupied ?" "I'm gonna talk to Mom for a while." "Do you have any ideas for any openers ?" "Stay clear of "I'm the guy doing your daughter" and you should be okay." "Take a piece of paper." "Here you go." "And write down your most embarrassing memory." "When you're not using the markers, put the caps back on them because they will dry out." "Hi, Dr. Greene." "So how's everything in the vascular surgery game ?" "It's not a game, Ross." "A woman died on my table today." "I'm sorry." "That's the good thing about my job." "All the dinosaurs on my table are already dead." "I don't mean to be a pain about this but I've seen some of you just place them on." "You want to push the caps until you hear them click." "Gunther !" "Where you going ?" "I was sort of thinking about maybe..." "No !" "No, you can't go !" "No, this is fun." "We're just getting started." "Here's your marker." "If you want to go, just go." "No, she'll yell at me again." " All right, I can get you out." " What ?" "In a minute, I'll create a diversion." "When I do, walk quickly to the door and don't look back." " I think I need a drink." " I'll get it for you." " What do you want ?" " Scotch." "I'll be back in 10 seconds with your scotch on the rocks in a glass." " Neat !" " Cool." "Neat, as in no rocks." "I know." "Hello, Ross !" "Where have you been ?" "I have been in the bathroom." "Stay clear of the salmon mousse." "Scotch neat." "That's Rachel's father's drink." "Mine too." "Isn't that neat ?" "Scotch neat." "Would you excuse me ?" "Where are you sneaking off to, mister ?" " I'm getting my cigarettes." " No." " What do you mean no ?" " See, because that's the staging area." "You go in there, it'll ruin the whole illusion of the party." "Take your scotch back in there and I will get your cigarettes for you, sir." " Get my glasses too." " All righty-roo." "What a great moment to say that for the first time." "Okay, the first person's most embarrassing memory is :" ""Monica, your party sucks."" "Very funny." "Oh, no !" "Did someone forget to use a coaster ?" "What ?" "I don't see anything." "Great, I'm seeing water rings again." "Ross, whose glasses are those ?" "Mine." "You wear bifocals ?" "I have a condition apparently that I require two different sets of focals." "Do you know my husband has glasses just like that ?" "Well, those are very popular frames." "Neil Sedaka wears them." "I hear you can get people out of here." "You didn't tell me your boyfriend smokes." "Yeah, like a chimney." "Big smoker." "Big, big smoker." "I'm gonna go out into the hallway and fire up this bad boy." " Are you wearing my glasses ?" " Yes." "I was just warming up the earpieces for you." "Thank you." "Is that one of my cigarettes ?" "Yes, it is." "I was just moistening the tip." "She's taking the trash out, so I can get you out." "But it has to be now." "She'll be back soon." "And my friend ?" "Only you three." "Any more and she'll get suspicious." " Let me just get my coat." " There isn't time !" "Just leave everything." "They'll take care of you next door." "Is it true they have beer ?" "Everything you've heard is true." "Could you guys please keep it down ?" "We're trying to start a Boggle tournament." "[UNCUT] If people find out they're playing spelling games..." "[UNCUT] ...there'll be nobody left here." "You !" "And you." "You're supposed to be at my party." "And Gunther !" "What are you doing here ?" "Welcome to the f..." "I'm sorry." "But these people needed me." "They work hard all week." "It's Saturday." "They deserve to have fun." "Go !" "You know, my party is fun." "It's a quieter, less obvious sort of fun." "But if people would just give it a chance, it's..." " You want me to see a therapist ?" " Sweetheart, you have a problem." "You've chosen a boyfriend exactly like your father." "Okay, Mom, I'll make an appointment." "But right now, I gotta go." "I gotta go do a thing." "Did you know your mother spent $1200 on bonsai trees ?" "I felt like Gulliver around that place." "Daddy, I want to hear more about this, but I just have to do some stuff." "You work and work and work at a marriage but all he cares about is his boat." "You work and work and work on a boat." "He always ridiculed my pottery classes." "And you sand it and varnish it." "But when all's said and done, he drinks out of the mugs." "A night of her yoga and Bridges of Madison County..." " Scotch, cigarettes..." " The bonsais, Chihuahua..." "I've been in therapy for three weeks but..." "What the hell does she want with half a boat ?" "Okay, okay, you can be shirts and I'll be skins." "I'll be skins !" "How you holding up there, tiger ?" "Sorry." "When my parents got divorced, I got a lot of "tigers."" "I got a lot of "champs," "chiefs," "sports."" "I even got a "governor."" "This is it, isn't it ?" "This is what my life will be like." "My mom there, my dad there." "Thanksgiving, Christmas." "She gets the house, he's in a condo my sister will decorate with wicker." "Chandler, how did you get through this ?" "I relied on a carefully regimented program of denial and wetting the bed." "You know, I just..." "It's so weird." "I mean, I was in there just listening to them bitch about each other." "All I kept thinking about was the Fourth of July." "It reminded you of the way our forefathers bitched at each other ?" "It's just this thing." "Every year we would go on my dad's boat and watch fireworks." "Mom always hated it because the ocean air made her hair all big." "My sister Jill would be throwing up over the side and Dad would be upset because nobody helped." "And when we helped, he'd scream at us for doing it wrong." "But then when the fireworks started, everybody just shut up." "You know, and it'd get really cold." "And we'd all just sort of smoosh under this one blanket." "It never occurred to anybody to bring another one." "And now it's..." "Yeah, I know." "Thanks for coming." "Hope you had fun." "All right, I'm hitting the road." "I've left my 10 verbs on the table." "Be sure and send me that finished poem." "Okay, will do." "Glad you came." " I think I saw Rachel out in the hall ?" " Let me check." " Your mom wants to say goodbye." " Happy birthday, sweetie." "You drive safe." "What are you doing ?" "I'm getting ready for the water-skiing." "Okay, big hug." "One more." "Come on, big hug !" "How are you ?" " Where are you going ?" " For my coat." "We'll get it for you." "All right, all right." "I can get my own coat." "Sorry, we're on a major flan high." "Oh, no." "No, you're not supposed to be here." "This is the staging area." "It's wrong." "You should leave." "You know, just get out." "Or perhaps you'd like a crème de menthe." "I have to head to my chateau." "I guess we're going into the hallway again." "Thanks for coming, Mrs. Greene." "Okay." "You take care." "Oh, you kids." "Well." "This is the best party I've been to in years." "Thank you !" "Okay, everybody, time for flan !" "Yep !" "Get ready for the gelatinous fun." "Looks like what you get when you get an infection." "Okay, that's enough." "Okay, Rachel, make a special flan wish." "Okay, I've got one." "Heads up !" "Wow !" "Those things almost never come true."