"Ladies and gentlemen, it's Epithemiou time." "Please welcome your host, Angelos Neil Epithemiou." "Now clap." "It was shit." "Yay!" "Likey." "No likey." "Likey." "No likey." "Likey." "No likey." "That's how that show works." "And thanks go to my dog, Tinned Tomatoes, for barking the theme tune to This Morning." "No problem." "This is the show where I get to do exactly what I bloody well want to do." "It hasn't been easy because the Channel 4 lot come up to you in the corridor and they say things like," ""Angelos, it's really great to have you on the channel, man." ""But we'd really like you to use some writers that best get the Channel 4 vibe."" "You know what they're like." "You know, all floppy hair, skinny jeans, born bloody yesterday." "And I have to put my foot down, you know." "I have to say, "No, Mallory." "You get yourself up the corridor." ""Get yourself a cappuccino with Lambert, OK?" ""I'll take care of the writing." "I'll use my own people."" "Kenny." "Kerry." "And Barry." "They best get my vibe." "Yes, they cost a little bit more money and no, they don't do any blinking work, but at least you know where the money's going." "Cider, sherry and Ladbrokes." "And tonight's show comes to you in association with..." "Epithemiou Tours." "Epithemiou Tours - whether you're visiting the park, the shops or maybe the wife wants a day trip down the garage," "I'll pick you up and drop you off and later on," "I'll pick you up again... if I'm not too pissed." "Epithemiou Tours - where tours aren't shit." "Right, ladies and gentlemen, later on in the show I shall be mucking around with Rizzle Kicks." "I'm going to be chatting with their current manager, Mr Paul Gascoigne." "I'll be showing you how to dispose of your rubbish carefully." "And, for all you builders out there," "I'll be having a little bit of fun with a road drill." "But before all that, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to find out what's in my bag." "♪ What's in your bag, Angelos?" "♪ Tell us what in your bag, you bastard" "♪ A little fish and a lump of lead" "♪ And Vin Diesel's head!" "♪" "Right, ladies and gentlemen, it's time now to meet a very good friend of mine." "He's also my assistant on the show." "In fact, this show just wouldn't work without him, so please welcome my best mate, Gupta." "Gupta and I go way back, don't we?" " Yeah, way back." " Where did we meet?" "Hounslow Squash Club." "That's right." "What's the motto at Hounslow Squash Club?" "Banging balls against walls since 1964." "Fantastic!" "So, Gupta, I haven't seen you much this week." "What have you been doing?" "I spent the whole week at the automated garage door exhibition in Crawley!" "Wow!" "Yes." "That's where I spent it." "I must go to that." "But Angelos?" "What?" "I want to ask you a question." "Yes?" "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Oh, yes." "Is it new shoes?" "No." "New jumper?" "No." "Done your hair?" "No." "Trimmed your beard?" "No." "Eyeshadow?" "No." "Piercings?" "No." "Breast implants?" "No." "False hips?" "No!" "Nothing!" "There's nothing different about me." "I'm exactly the same." "And you never notice." "I'm sorry about him, ladies and gentlemen." "He's unpredictable because, well, he's a pill-head." "I've got to coax him out of here now." "Gupta, sorry I didn't notice there was nothing different about you." "Can you please come out of your pipe?" "It's always the bloody same, Angelos." "I'm like a ghost to you." "You treat me like a bloody hotel." "Sorry I treat you like a hotel, Gupta." "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" "Er, yes." "Oh, here we go!" "New shoes, a toilet seat with barbed wire design, but most of all, I want an automated garage door, man." "Come on, Gupta." "I can't stretch to an automated garage door." "I knew you'd be like this." "Forget it!" "All right, I'll get you an automated garage door, OK?" "Yes!" "I'm going to get an automatic garage door!" "Thank you, boss." "Thank you." "I'm going to be thumbing through some catalogues in the back." "All right, off you go." "Well, you know." "I mean, come on." "It's nice to keep him happy because, you know, he's had such a shit life." "Right, ladies and gentlemen, let's move on because, like Nelson Mandela said, the show must go on." "Ha-ha-ha!" "I think it's him what said that." "Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce my first guest." "He's a legend." "Please welcome Paul Gascoigne." "Yeah, nice one." "Lovely." "Well, they love you, don't they?" "Yeah, still love us." "Man of the people, innit?" "That's the one." "You're fit and well, aren't you?" "Yeah, I am." "Yeah, I'm good, yeah." "Lovely jubbly." "So where are you living at the moment, Paul?" "I'm living at..." "I'm living in Bournemouth at the moment." "Are you?" "Right, lovely." "Do you..." "What's it like down there?" "It's nice." "It's nice down there." "I have a walk down the beach now and again, get a bit of fishing done." "You like walking down the beach, do you?" "Yes, it's very nice down the beach." "I love a walk down the beach." " Do you?" " Yeah, I do." "I used to collect shells." "I had a massive shell collection." "I used to collect shells but I've stopped doing that now." "Why's that?" "It's pointless, innit?" "You all right?" "Yeah!" "You've been down in Bournemouth so long now you've practically lost your north-east accent, haven't you?" "Yeah, I have." "Yeah, canny bag o' Tudor, you know." "Canny bag o' Tudor indeed, Paul." "Anyone know what that means?" "So you used to play for Newcastle." "Is that right?" "Yeah, I did." "I know that's right." "Dunno what I'm saying." "Yes, that's where I started playing football." "So are you still a fan of Newcastle Football Club?" "Yeah." "I was..." "I was..." "Sorry!" "Yeah, I watch them now and again." "It's really good." "I heard, right, Paul?" "I heard this." "Newcastle, right, they're thinking of changing the name of The Trophy Room to The Room." "Now you're not playing anymore." "You still watch the game?" "Sometimes, yeah." "Some of the players are a bit minging." "Are they?" "Yeah, don't like them." "Do you mean minging as in ugly?" "Both." "I know one player who was that ugly when he was younger he had shutters on his pram." "I know that." "Nice one, Paul." "Yeah, yeah." "Nice one." "There's a few players I think are getting paid too much." "They don't seem to perform on the pitch." "But do you think with players like Messi, Kaka and Shittu that the game has got a lot dirtier?" "This was what everyone wants to know, of course." "Who is the best player that you ever played with and why?" "I think the best player was an absolutely fantastic captain, and I was fortunate to be one of the players to play around alongside him, was Bryan Robson." "I used to call him Dog Shit because he was everywhere." "And how did he take that?" "Yeah, he was all right." "He was a great player to play with." "He was a player's player." "A real captain." "Is the best player you ever saw play football you?" "Yes, without a shadow of a doubt!" "I thought so, yeah." "I just want to..." "Um..." "I just want to do some quick questions, OK?" "Here we go." "Do you prefer kicking balls into the net or licking your balls with a pet?" "Er, licking my balls." "I thought so." "Was fog on the Tyne literally all yours all yours or did the city council maintain partial ownership?" "I didn't see much money, so they must have." "Yeah, they do that." "Have you ever owned a soup kestrel?" "No." "I've drank a kestrel." "But you never owned one, yes." "Have you ever tried to solve the Andrew Neil hair puzzle?" "No." "Never tried it." "Daytrip to Parcelforce HQ or a nice bag of chips?" "Nice bag of chips." "And finally, Paul, do you apply speed limits in your house or can you just run around as fast as you like?" "Run around as much as I can." "Thank you very much, Paul." "Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Mr Paul Gascoigne." "Thank you very much." "Right, join me after the break when I'll be mucking around with The Swizzle Sticks and I'll be showing you how to save money at bath time." "So if that's your thing, join me in two ticks." "Let's kick off with an explosive start where I, Angelos Epithemiou, will go inside this laundry bag, get chiffed off this wardrobe, straight into that laundry basket." "This is going to be maximum bloody epic with the laundry vibe." "You're ready?" "Yes." "Aaah!" "Ouch!" "Bloody hell, Gupta!" "Thank you, thank you, thank you." "Bloody hell, Gupta!" "I was supposed to go in there!" "Yeah, well, you missed, didn't you?" "What do you mean I missed?" "!" "You're the one doing a chip in." " Get your arse down here right now!" " No!" " Why not?" " You're going to tell me off, innit?" "Yeah." "Oh, sorry, did somebody not want an automated garage door?" "All right, man." "I'm coming, I'm coming." "All right." "Just coming next half, I'll be mucking around with Rizzle Kicks and I will be showing you how to personalise your footwear." "Angelos." "What?" "I'm still going to get my automated garage door, aren't I?" "Well, we'll see, won't we?" "OK." "Clear off." "Before all that, I'd like to do a bit of mind-reading." "Ooh!" "Yes..." ""Ooh," indeed." "Right, I should come amongst you, ladies and gentlemen." "I should be drawn to someone whose mind is weak." "Whose mind I can penetrate." "Madam, would you like to be penetrated?" "Honestly!" "I'm gonna do a bit of mind-reading on you, all right?" "Whether you like it or not, OK?" "So just get over it." "Here we go, mind-reading." "First of all, what is your name?" "Mirrah." "Correct." "Thank you." "I'm good, aren't I?" "I'm good, aren't I?" "OK, well..." "Gupta!" "That is my special alarm to tell me that Gabby Logan has arrived to do her show in the studio next door." "Me and Gabby have got this thing going on and I like to go and see her, because I don't want her to think that I'm blowing cold." "What is it?" "What?" "You called me, what is it?" "Just look after the audience for me while I go and get my end away, OK?" "I've got it covered." "Thank you." "What are you going to do?" "I'm going to read from the Automated Garage Door Monthly magazine, issue 71." "Oooh!" "That's right." ""Oooh," indeed." "Enjoy this." "'I'd like to focus on the Dalkeith T-1,000." "'It's an up-and-over." "'The first European domestic garage door to feature 'powder-coated enamel finish and a 12 volt motor.'" "Oh!" "Hi, guys." "I'm just gonna play a trick on Gabby Logan." "She's gonna love this." "Hello?" "Oh!" "Hi, Gabby." "This is Steve, from Sound." "I've just come to put your microphone on." "Oh, just hang on two seconds." "I just gotta put my top on." "Oh, no, Gabby." "I really need to get into the roomright now," "I've got loads of things to do, loads of people to see." "OK, Steve, give me two minutes." "Shite!" "Hi, hi, Gabby." "This is Malcolm, the fire officer." "I need immediate access to the room, because someone's reported a small fire!" "OK, OK, hang on!" "No, right now, Gabby!" "OK, I'm coming!" "I'm coming, I'm coming!" "Surprise!" "I'm sorry about Angelos there, Gabby." "He's just so concerned about your safety that he wanted to throw himself into the fire to protect you!" "Go away, Angelos!" "You better go away now, Angelos." "Thanks for your help." "Yeah, no problem, Malcolm." "It's just that you should know that, when it comes to protecting Gabby Logan, it's just what I do." "'A lot of ball bearings are separately lubricated!" "'" "'It features a load-bearing capacity of 12 tonnes!" "'" "What the fuck?" "!" "Hey, Gupta, that went well, didn't it?" " Yeah, why wouldn't it?" " Yeah." "You took your time with Gabby, didn't you?" "Listen, son, if you wanna fiddle with the best, then you've got to invest." "Right, ladies and gentlemen, it's time now to introduce my second guests." "Please welcome Rizzle Kicks!" "Hello, there." "Hello, how are you?" "Hello, there." "Hi, are you all right?" "So, you must be Rizzle and you must be Kicks." "Er... not quite." "Jordan and Harley." "Oh, right, yeah." "Two good street names, yeah." "You have got to sing your song on here tonight, haven't you?" "Yeah." "But you don't get to sign it for free, you've got to earn the right." "Gupta, how are they gonna earn the right?" "Chucking stuff at Usain Bolt." "OK." "At Usain Bolt?" "Yeah, we're gonna be chucking stuff at Usain Bolt." "Now, if you hit him three times, then you get to sign your song." "Right." "OK?" "Gupta, what will they be chucking at Usain Bolt?" "Shoes and pies, pies and shoes." "Gupta and I love to chuck stuff at athletes." "Don't we, Gupta?" "Yeah, we just do it for kicks, do you know what I mean?" "Yeah, just for shits and giggles, really." "Yeah, yeah, for the sheer fuckoff-ness of it all." "Oh, no!" "Don't need that, cos they are kids, you know." "Porky mouth!" "Right, OK." "So if you hit him, Gupta will say..." "You hit him." "OK?" "Got it, got it." "Is it clear?" "Yeah." "Couldn't be clearer." "Come over here." "He's gonna be super fast, doesn't he?" "Pick your weapons." "Whatever you want, get a few of them." "Groundsman, can you release Mr Bolt?" "On your marks, get set!" "You hit him!" "You hit him!" "You hit him!" "That's three times!" "Thank you, Mr Bolt." "Rizzle Kicks, please place yourselves for your song." "Off you go." "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Cheers." "OK, singing for us now, ladies and gentlemen, is Rizzle Kicks with their new single" " Dreamers." "Yeah!" "Whoa!" "♪ I can find my place in my dreams." "♪ In my dreams, in my, in my dreams" "♪ Yeah I can find my place in my dreams." "♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah" "♪ It's that kid with the British accent" "♪ Still kicking and bringing us wicked raps when" "♪ Other rappers lack sense, innovation absent" "♪ Take that in to the count like your bank said" "♪ Yeah, let me set the rhythm" "♪ And these texts are spinning, we be best in Britain" "♪ When I say best, I mean best" "♪ As the best decision to see lesser limits" "♪ We aim higher" "♪ Higher than Mariah in a choir" "♪ Or the guy who chills with Bubbles in The Wire" "♪ Desire to leave behind the reason why" "♪ As little as read to find our recent times" "♪ I'm paying what I want to be like a portrait" "♪ You let other people paint you" "♪ Poor trait" "♪ All day, I have more faith than what you'll say" "♪ But you're foretelling to talk straight and I know" "♪ I can find my place in my dreams" "♪ In my dreams, in my, in my dreams" "♪ Yeah, I can find my place in my dreams" "♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah" "♪ I don't care what you choose as fact" "♪ I'm gonna take myself to the moon and back" "♪ In my dreams" "♪ My dreams!" "♪ In my dreams" "My dreams!" "♪ In my dreams" "♪ My dreams!" "♪ In my dreams My dreams, yeah!" "♪ Straight up me to the sand" "♪ I'm a spaceman, yeah with a suit to match" "♪ In my dreams" "♪ My dreams!" "♪ My dreams" "My dreams!" "♪ My dreams" "♪ Yeah... ♪" "Hurrah!" "Yeah!" "♪ I can find that place up in my dreams tonight" "♪ Where you and I" "♪ Don't have to fight" "♪ Over what is right or wrong" "♪ It's not you who decides" "♪ Oh, this is my life" "♪ Oh, oh!" "♪ I said think of all those stupid things that you've ever said to me" "♪ Put it in perspective and then tell me that you don't agree" "♪ I'm not telling you to think what I think" "♪ While your point of view just" "♪ Really ain't my cup of tea!" "♪ I wish everyone could all live in harmony" "♪ When people made decisions" "♪ It was always made impartially." "♪ I find it hard to speak Suppose I'm always half asleep" "♪ Doesn't change the fact that I've never made a half a speech" "♪ Yeah, I'm feeling spaced out!" "♪ I'm feeling spaced out" "♪ A place for the believers" "♪ That don't be you, then leave us" "♪ We need some dreamers to feature... ♪" "Is this what you always wanted, Gupta?" "It's better than a dream." "That's because it's real life." "Shut up!" "Good night, everyone." "♪ I don't care what you choose as fact" "♪ I'm going to take myself to the moon and back" "♪ In my dreams" "♪ My dreams" "♪ My dreams" "♪ My dreams ♪ My dreams" "♪ My dreams My dreams." "♪ My dreams" "♪ My dreams, yeah!" "♪ Straight up me to the sand" "♪ I'm a spaceman, yeah with a suit to match" "♪ In my dreams" "♪ My dreams" "♪ My dreams My dreams" "♪ My dreams!" "♪"