"I'm Derek Noakes." "I work here at Broadhill nursing home for the elderly, care home." "'I loves it here." "It's brilliant." "'All my favouritest people are here." "'My best friend is Dougie, right?" "And I also lives with him." "'He's the caretaker here.'" " You didn't hear me coming." " No." "I love wrestling." " But he's got to be careful, cos I sneaks up, don't I?" " Yeah." "'And Kev is my other friend as well." "'He sometimes stays on the floor at Dougie's." "'He doesn't work here." "He doesn't work." "'He doesn't do anything.'" "He's always talking about..." "his penis and testicles, isn't he?" "That's all he's got." "And he doesn't even want his, he doesn't care about his, do you?" "I'd get rid of it tomorrow." "And best of all is Hannah." "She's the manager here, and she's the nicest person in the world." "She cares for everyone." "'Everyone gets on here." "'Well, Dougie and Kev are always arguing, 'but they likes that." "'It's funny.'" "What are you looking at?" "I knows." "What?" "Hair." "I don't understand it, mate." "He says it's the worstest haircut he's seen on planet Earth." "Don't worry about it, anyway." "It's nature." "It's not nature, mate." "It is nature." "It is nature." "That's exactly what it is." "This bit fucked off." "That bit stayed." "Don't worry about it." "It's not your problem." "I've got so many best friends." "I'm the luckiest man in the world." "Did I say my name, Derek Noakes?" " Hi." " Hey." "You all right?" "Yeah." "You all right?" "Yeah." "Hannah's new boyfriend, Tom." "He's a nice guy." "We've been out for a drink." "That's it." "Tom, you know your ship?" " Yeah." " Could it beat a whale?" "Is it big enough?" " Well, what in a fight?" " Yeah, if it was like..." " If they bumped into each other?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "I think we'd still survive." "What's that thing the whale does when it jumps up and splatters it?" " With the tail flick?" " Yeah." "What, you think, could it do that to..." "Knock it over?" "What about five whales?" "If they were working together as a team?" " As a gang." " As a gang." "If they were coordinated?" "Five at once." "If a rhino was as big as a whale, could it beat a whale?" "Cos that's like the most powerful, isn't it?" "I think a rhino's smaller than a whale." "Yeah, I know, but if it was the same size, would it be..." "Yeah, yeah, charging at it." "Yeah." "And then... you know." "You doing Hannah, mate?" "What?" "You doing Hannah?" "I'll take that as a yes, mate." "A good call, wise choice." "She doesn't put it about, so..." "No?" "Nah..." "She's not pregnant either." "I doubt there's any venereal disease sort of banging around in her basement, so..." "If I'm being honest with you, mate, I'd happily do her, even if she was pregnant with venereal disease." " That's very sweet of you." " Beggars can't be choosers, mate." " These lot aren't bothering you, are they?" " No, no, no." "Derek's just been asking me every possible outcome of animals fighting and Don Juan here has just told me you're not pregnant or diseased." "But don't worry, even if you were, he still would." "Still would." "The people from the council are coming in today, so I'm running around trying to make sure everything's in order." "Trying to stay one step ahead of the game." "Let's move these." "Mick, no money." "Have now." "No, you can't gamble for money." "The council are here." "This has got to go." "Lesley, this has got to move, and this hoover, please." "That's my favourite thing in here." "Apart from the people." "Fred the frog." "Where's Dougie?" "That shouldn't be here." "Lesley, help me out." "You can't leave a hoover in the middle of the floor." "Henry hoover." "Yeah, Derek, can you pick that up for me, please?" "Come on, Theresa, help me out." "OK?" "This area is fine." "This is Dougie's." "Lizzie, have you got your teeth in?" "OK." "Lizzie, can you just do a general check round for me?" "Thank you." "Dougie!" " If you'd like to take a seat." " Right, thank you." "'I dread these council visits." "'I don't know what they want to see me about." "'It's probably to introduce another bit of red tape 'to make my job even harder." "'They don't care.'" "They just have to make sure that their costs come in on budget." "It's not good news, Hannah." "You see, in the budgets for the year, obviously, we have to prioritise, and because this isn't a big home," "we thought it would be easiest to re-home the 20 or so residents..." " 22." " 22." "22 residents into a few of the bigger facilities in and around the area." "I'm not re-homing them." "Well, I can understand your reluctance, but without funding, it would be a struggle to run the home efficiently." "Well, it's a struggle to run it efficiently with the funding." "Well, exactly." "I do understand." "Do you?" "Well, fine." "Well, we'll fund the place ourselves." "Yeah, well, no, it's not quite that easy." "You see, you still have to show that you can provide all the necessary standards." "You can't just let people live here and fend for themselves." "Sorry?" "Who do you think you're talking to?" "Why would I let people fend for themselves?" "No, no, Hannah, all I'm saying is that at the moment, we're assessing the situation." "If we think this can be funded despite the cuts, we might be able to save the place." "'I've never understood budgets when it comes to things like this.'" "It costs what it costs." "If it costs more than some person in a suit thought it would, it doesn't mean we're overspending, it means your stupid guess was wrong." "50% of your total costs are on staff." "Could we streamline there?" "What does streamline mean?" "Oh, just trim away the fat, that's all." "They're snooping around now, trying to find ways to cut corners." "Good luck!" "Oh, shit?" "Kev." "You've got to get rid of Kev." "Council are here." "Get rid of him for about an hour." "Why an hour?" "He shouldn't be here full stop." "Just get rid of him." "He's harmless enough, you know, but Derek has taken a shine to him, so... if he wasn't here, he'd be dead in a skip." "Bullshit, mate." "It is bullshit." "I had to touch him." "Well done." "He fucking stinks." "Where's Kev?" "He's outside, airing." "What?" "I've put him outside to air." "He stinks." "Dougie." "Councilman." "This is the dining area." "I'm off." "I'll see you later, Derek." "See you later on." "Douglas..." "Dougie." "This is Roger and this is...?" "Karen." " Karen." "This is Douglas." " Douglas." "He's our caretaker and handyman, and jack of all trades, really, aren't you?" "You're responsible for everything, are you?" "Yeah, pretty much, yeah." "Right." "I'll get on." "Oh, see you, then." "And this is the, er... telly area." "Yes." "And a few of our residents." "Hi." "Hello." "Hello." "This is Derek." "Yeah, Derek." "Lizzie, Sheila, Edna, Pam." "Precious." "What's your name?" "I'm Roger, and this is Karen." "Roger, Karen, Roger, Karen..." "Roger." "Roger that." "Very good." " Maybe we could all have a chat..." " Yeah, we'll have a chat, shall we?" "Later." " Shall I show you the bedrooms?" " Would be good, yes." "OK, they're just through here." " See you in a bit." " Bye, bye." "Bye." "You're general fix-it man, are you?" "Yeah, if it's broke, they call me, yeah, they call for Dougie." "What sort of training do you have, Dougie?" "They just want to talk to the staff one on one, ask a few questions." "They're just chatting to Dougie now so..." "All I want to do is find out a few simple things about what it is you actually do." "I've told you, I do everything." "I've got a broken cup that needs fixing." "I can see." "I've got a meerkat here, a solar powered meerkat from the garden." "It's knackered, I'll fix that." "I fixed the toaster this morning." "Right..." "Pop back next week, all this will be sorted and I'll have another pile of shit to fix!" "I don't know what you want from me." "I'm a little bit worried about the electrics thing, Dougie." "If you don't have any training..." "It's not that hard, Roger." " Really?" " Yeah." "It's not that hard." "It's three wires, innit?" "Well..." "Brown, blue and sort of earth." "Put them in the right ones, you're away." "You're making it seem like it's a massive drama." "We're talking about a toaster." "It was just a loose wire." "I fixed it." "They've got toast again." "I don't know what the form is." "I just see you ticking boxes." "You don't have to know what the form is." "It's just a few notes about what it is you do, who you are, how you fit in here." "Yeah, I fit in." "I do fit in." "Well, I can see that." "I can see you do a lot around here." "Everything." "I do everything." "I think we've got pretty much all we want." "Good." "Right." "They're treating me like a twat, coming in here, looking at what I'm doing." "They're looking for problems." "The moment he walked in here, he didn't want to hear good news from me." "He's looking for problems." "'I reckon it causes more problems, them coming around." "You know, the old ones, they find it stressful with some stranger coming around with a suit on, eyeing everybody up and down." "They don't think of that, though, do they?" "No, nothing's going to change at all, OK?" "It's fine." "I won't let anything happen." " They wouldn't move us..." " No." "Absolutely not." "They don't want to go anywhere else." "Why would they?" "It's great here, innit?" "They love it." "Everyone gets on." "We're like one big family." "'And then they come in, messing it up." "'The thing is, they want to find problems so they can close us down." "'Waste the money on something else.'" " A cup of tea?" " Yes." "Right, then." "Got to find the word, wordsearch." "It's bands?" "Chico she's found." " Coolio we need to find next..." " Derek?" "What?" "Can you get those tadpoles out of the sink, put 'em in the pond?" "No." "Fish will eat them." "Can you just do it?" "No, because thousands would be dead." "Murderer..." "Mass murderer." "Tadpole Hitler." "I'd quite like to have a look at the lunches." "Can you supply something for us?" "Yeah." "Absolutely." "We've got all the menus and everything." "We try and keep a nice variety for them." "And it's nutritious?" "Of course." "Absolutely." "It's not wee." "Tadpoles." "Hannah said put 'em in the pond while you're sneaking round." "I'm not going to put them in the pond." "I'll just leave them outside, and I'll put 'em in the bath, back in the bathroom when he goes." "OK." "Putting the tadpoles outside until he goes." "And then going to put 'em back in the bath." "Look, one's starting to get his legs." "Oh." "He's a froglet." "Yes, yes." "Are those carers?" "They're volunteers." "Well, two of them are volunteers." "One of them is on community service." "Really?" "I thought you couldn't work here if you had a criminal record." "Well, it's never anything bad." "You know, and we can do with all the help we can get." "This is Theresa and Lesley and Mick." "Mick's the one doing community service." "Yeah." "Just doing a few days with us, aren't you, Mick?" "So what did you do to land yourself in here?" "Threw something in my neighbour's skip." "See, it's never anything that bad." "What, and he called the police?" "What did you throw in there?" "His wife, she was doing my fucking head in." "This is Jack." "Arthur." "This is the low-dependency corridor." "People come and go as they please, you know?" "Hi, Annie." "Oh, hi." "You all right?" "He needed a kip." "Yeah, just had a kip." "You weren't bothered, were you?" "No, it didn't bother me." "No, it didn't bother her, so I just..." "Get the fuck out." "Bloody hell, charming, innit?" "God!" "Just hold on..." "I was worried about, you know, little things like a cable across something or a wobbly chair or something like that." "I didn't expect them to see Kev's bollocks." "None of us did." "Once the council have been..." "They've been snooping round, they'll get rid of us two straight away, we're not needed." "Get all the old people out." "No." "That's what will happen." "I understand we can save the house by raising money ourselves." "Jumble sales..." "It's a nice idea, Derek." " We can save the place can't, we?" " Yeah." "Next stop is a petition." "Petition?" "Enough signatures, you can hand it in officially." "He does signatures!" "Best in the business." "He's got 35,000." "And he's wasted an entire life getting them." "Yeah." "How many do we need?" "Well 100,000 and you can hand it in to parliament." "100,000?" "Yeah, but I was just speaking to Linda Garvey over at Parkview." "Alzheimer's." "Yeah, they got saved from closure with 5,000 signatures so in that case, you know, it worked." "I mean it could all come up again." "Let's get signatures, then." "Yeah, go down Hampstead High Street." "People love to get involved, don't they?" "Bored housewives." "How bored?" "What?" "These housewives, how bored are they?" "They bored sexually?" "Are they choosy?" "They want a bit of twinage?" "A bit of piston thrusting?" "Have you forgot the reason we're going down there?" "No, I haven't, mate." "But I just want a bit of pudding." "Pudding?" "Yeah, sex pudding." "That's great!" "Where do they want to move us, anyway?" "I don't know all the ins and outs." "It doesn't make sense." "Just someone who's a bit of a jobsworth." "Want to change things that aren't broken." "Interfering." "The world's full of them." "This is Dougie's job, I work in the centre." "Kev doesn't... hasn't got a job, have you?" "Have you, Kev?" "No." "He claims... what, do you claim benefit?" "Yeah." " What do you claim it for?" " Everything." "What have you ever put into the system?" "I spread a lot of seed around." "It's just constantly on his mind." "Yeah." "Kev said you are one of the ugliest people he's ever met because of your hair." "Didn't you, Kev?" "Yeah." "I'm not bothered." "Do something to it." "Hairspray it." "There's no point." "I know it looks stupid." "People yell stuff at me all the time." "The other day someone shouted, "There's an egg with sideburns!"" "Water off a duck's back." "As long as it's annoying you, I'm going to leave it." "Why does Hampstead sound like "hamster"?" "Why has hamster got "ham" in it?" "Why isn't a pig called a hamster?" "Hamster." "Derek, watch what you're doing!" "Just..." "Kevin, will you keep your eye on him?" "!" "All right!" "It's not my job, is it?" "I knows what I'm doing." "Holding on to a 50-year-old bloke, it's weird." "Excuse me, will you save Broad Hill?" "She'll sign it." "Hello." "All right, love?" "Let's break the ice." "How do you get a nun pregnant?" "Dress her up as a choir boy!" "She didn't sign it either." "They haven't got a clue have, they?" "I don't know how many signatures they've had." "Is it going to make any difference, really?" "Are we really going to save the home by them two?" "Look at 'em." "The saviours of Broad Hill Nursing Home!" "What a mess!" "Excuse me, do you live around here?" "Sorry." "Do you live around here?" "Yeah." "Can I use your toilet?" "Sorry." "'Desperation, isn't it?" "'Well, you can see that as soon as Kev goes towards someone, look,' just avoiding him." "I don't blame 'em." "You all right?" "How you doing?" "Very nice." "Is that your mum?" "Yeah?" "I'm going to cut to the chase," "I've got absolutely no chance with you unless you're, you know, a prostitute or smackhead or something." "In fact, I think I do stand a chance with you, especially if I can you a little pissed up and teary." "You're meant to be getting signatures to save the old people's home." "You're chatting up women." "Stay away from the women." "Never!" "Joanna Lumley wasn't all over the Gurkhas!" "I wouldn't mind Joanna Lumley all over my fucking Gurkhas!" "Absolutely Fabulous, she was." "Pointless!" "Try and not worry about it, you know?" "I'll keep talking to 'em." "They said we could fund ourselves, so we're always fundraising, aren't we, so it's not a problem." "And me and Marge could always go on the game." "The money I'd get wouldn't keep us in biscuits!" "It's Meadway, Meadway Animal Centre." "Excellent." "My best day." "Oh, it's Meadway." "They bring a few pooches and moggies for the residents to have a cuddle with." "They're the local pet rescue centre." "They get a bit of grant money for pet therapy so it's lovely, isn't it?" "Yeah." "Yeah, we always enjoy it and they bring the older, more docile animals in for them and the pets get smothered with attention and the old folks get a furry companion for the afternoon." "The problem is these, lot never want to let them go, so..." "I loves all animals, but Ivor's probably my favourite because he's always keen and he likes that ball, right, and he brings it back." "And he's got a tail like a sausage." "He thinks it's a big tail, but it's not." "It's just like that, like a little sausage, innit?" "Look at his face, look at his face." "Look at how he loves that ball." "It's the best thing what he's ever seen." "Oops!" "Did you see that?" "Hello, Ivor!" "Come here." "Hello, Ivor!" "Why does he fight to get the ball and then he brings it back?" "Why doesn't he just keep the ball?" "Because they likes chasing things, don't they?" "A dog is the most enthusia..." "Enthusiastic, is that a word?" "The most enthusiastic thing on the planet." "It just goes... if you go, "Do you want to do this?"" "It goes, "Definitely." "That's my best thing."" "See that?" "He caught it." "And he brings it back." "Magical." "Best thing in the world, animals." "'I wish they could keep the animals for longer because 'it's so good for the residents, particularly when they've had all 'the stress they've had with worrying about the future of the home." "'I might ask if they can leave them here tonight.'" "Excuse me?" "Do you think it would be possible to leave the animals here and pick them up tomorrow?" "They can't be left unattended." "Oh." "Someone would have to stay up with them all night." "Right." "OK." "OK." "We'll get through it." "We'll just do what we have to do." "You have to, don't you?" "90% of care home residents die within six months of being re-homed, so..." "I'm not going to let that happen." "This is their home." "They've got every right to stay here till the end." "Not a lot to ask, is it?" "'People think care means three meals a day and a bed." "'But it means caring." "'And if you don't care, you shouldn't be in the job." "'They deserve all the same pleasures as anyone else." "'Just because they're old and poor and weak, they're forgotten.'" "Hello." "Look, since we last spoke I've had a look at the figures, and it probably comes as no surprise to say that we won't be able to fund this building in the light of the current economic situation." "OK." "Well, that's fine." "We'll fund ourselves." "Thank you." "Well, not quite that simple." "You see, I've still got a couple of qualms." "Derek." "Um..." "What exactly is his situation?" "He's, uh... he's different." "Yeah, he's different, yeah." "I mean, he's the most popular, kindest, best worker anyone here has ever met so he is different, yeah." "That's not what I meant." "I mean, is he, uh..." "Is he handicapped?" "Yeah, he's too nice for his own good." "No, I meant could he be autistic?" "But what if the chimp had a gun, then the bear..." "Where's a chimp going to get a gun from?" "I don't know, a policeman who wasn't concentrating?" "Derek." "What?" "Can I have a word?" "Yeah." "Have you ever been tested for autism?" "I'm no good at tests." "What?" "Would you mind seeing someone?" "Who?" "Well, an expert and a doctor." "You don't have to." "If I am tistic... what is it?" "Autistic." "Au...?" "Tistic." "That's what I said." "Tistic." "If I am tistic, will I die?" "No." "No, no." "But at least we'd know." "Would I have to go into hospital and do experiments on me?" "No!" "So would it change me in any way?" "Would I be the same person?" "Yes." "Don't worry about it, then." "I think we've covered everything, Roger?" "I think we have." "I think everything's done now, Roger." "I think you've got everything, ticked enough boxes?" "I think you've pissed everybody off since you've been here, so you could shoot off now." "You got anything else to do whilst you're here?" "I'll just let you know, for your form, that toaster, I've given it a go, nothing wrong with it." "I had lovely toast." "No danger, no one died." "All right..." "You can shoot off now, you don't know anything." "You don't know that she did 68 hours last week." "She's not meant to." "She's meant to do 40." "She did 68, and why is that?" "Because of people like you." "Go." "You've got nothing to do here." "In fact you've probably got more to do back at the office sorting out your expenses." "Your little fish pie you have at business lunches and all that." "Get back and sort all that out!" "You know I've caught you out, you're walking away again." "I've caught you out, you knobhead." "Dougie..." "Yeah, I know I'm fired, yeah." "No." "Do you want a cup of tea?" "A cup of tea?" "Love a cup of tea, yeah." "Well, I'll bring it down to you."