"I'm done with this!" "I'm tired of you, you miserable old shit!" "So no wedding?" "No wedding!" "Oh, thank God." "We're through, Freddie!" "We're through when I say we're through!" "And I say we're through!" "Morning." "Morning, darling." "# Tell me why is it so" "# Don't want to let you go" "# No, I never can say goodbye, love" "# Ooh" "# No, no" "# I never can say goodbye" "# No, no, no, no, no, no" "# No, no #" "It just seems so strange, the two of you separating." "You're like two peas in a pod." "If peas could be horribly cruel to each other." "I really can't see us getting back together this time." "How long did you stay at the stag party after we left?" "Wait." "You didn't sleep with that man you brought to the party?" "No." "I did not sleep with that man." "I still can't believe Stuart's behaviour last night." "Well, we're through." "You always said we wouldn't last and you were right." "I never said that." "You said it with your eyes." "What the hell is wrong with you?" "You've been acting strangely all morning." "You didn't get back together with Chloe last night, did you?" "No, that's not what happened last night." "Are you sure?" "I'm not really sure about anything any more." "Oh." "Oh." "Oh." "Ohh..." "Ash, will you please ask Stuart where he'll be staying this evening?" "Since he is no longer welcome to stay at my flat." "Stuart, where are you going to stay tonight?" "Would you tell Freddie that I won't be inconveniencing him any longer?" "And I will be moving upstairs with you." "You're going to stay with me?" "Now that you insist, yes." "Can you tell Freddie that, please?" "He's staying with me." "I hope you like the sound of someone coughing phlegm into a tissue from midnight till 6am." "Since Stuart is going to be staying with Ash, perhaps I can stay with you, darling." "I'm having some work done on my flat." "They say it's riddled with asbestos." "Apparently, I shouldn't even be alive." "Of course you can stay with me, Vi." "I want you to think of yourself as a guest." "So, Ash, it looks like I'll be right below you." "And you'll be... on top of me." "What is it with you two?" "Did something - It's so sad... ..that you're all alone and broken up and you might never find anybody again." "Come on, let's go home." "Oh, God, tell me I'm still pretty!" "Freddie, tea's ready!" "After 50 years of Stuart's high-pitched, octave-defying squeaks, it's so refreshing to finally be summoned to tea by a man's voice." "Oh..." "Thank you?" "What are you wearing?" "Is that one of Stuart's old blouses?" "Well, it looks better on you." "Your compliments are confusing." "I've been thinking." "Now that I'm single again, I should start dating." "Somebody age-appropriate, of course." "Say... 35-ish." "But nobody over 40." "That would be revolting." "If you're really serious, I can always introduce you to someone." "But don't you only know scumbags and degenerates, Vi?" "I believe so." "You let this brew too long." "I like it exactly three minutes." "Did you use the timer?" "No." "I see." "That's why it's undrinkable." "Would you pour that down the drain for me, please?" "Of course." "Let me just have my tea first." "Yes, you take your time, dear." "Why don't I do it now?" "As you wish." "You know what might be an amusing thing for you to do, Vi?" "What?" "Make me a proper cup of tea." "And I also left a list of chores for you to do whenever you get around to it." "All right, darling." "What a dick!" "I heard that!" "I've made us some tea." "If you want to keep texting your friends while I sit here, staring at the wall like an idiot..." "..that's fine too." "How long do you think you'll be staying?" "Not that it hasn't been super having you here." "Only till I get back on my feet." "OK." "A year at most." "How long to get back on just one foot?" "I was thinking, I should start dating again." "You don't know anybody, do you?" "And age doesn't matter." "It's only a number." "There's a guy who comes into the coffee shop where I work." "He's really sweet." "I think he's in his seventies." "Seventies?" "!" "I'm not dating somebody in their seventies!" "Well, you're in your seventies." "Yes, but I look 50." "Have you spoken to Freddie?" "I wonder how he's doing with Violet." "Not that I care." "I haven't actually." "What about Violet?" "Have you seen her?" "Seen Violet?" "When?" "What are you talking about?" "Why do you behave so oddly every time I mention Violet?" "I don't behave oddly!" "Yes, you do." "Then you try to confuse me by changing the subject." "No, I don't!" "And you totally look 50, by the way." "I was saying to friends, 'I hope, when I'm Stuart's age, I look that amazing.'" "Really?" "What friends?" "Do I know them?" "What did they say?" "I showed them a picture and they were like 'He looks 40!" "' 40!" "Oh, my!" "Well..." "Oh!" "I've totally forgotten what we were talking about." "Yeah, so have I." "Ash, when you are at work today, would you mind if I made a few..." "..tiny tweaks around the flat?" "I guess that would be OK." "You wouldn't even notice." "I promise." "Stuart..." "What did you do to my flat?" "!" "You'll have to excuse me if I'm a bit thrown." "Because I was expecting 'I love it, Stuart!" "Thank you so much for finally creating a home!" "And getting rid of all my awful crap!" "'" "You have to put it back to the way it was." "Excuse me." "Normally, right now," "I'd storm into another room." "But since there isn't one... ..I'm going to storm over there." "Hello." "Help me, darling." "Violet!" "Look, about what happened..." "We'll talk about it later." "But we have to - Who are you talking to in there?" "No-one!" "Just the dog!" "It's uncanny." "He has the hearing of a bat." "I know what you mean." "What was that?" "Nothing!" "We have to meet." "But after Freddie's gone to sleep." "He only lets me leave to go food shopping." "How are things there?" "Stuart's turned my flat into the Victoria And Albert Museum!" "I have to go." "He's coming." "I'll text you a location." "Don't respond to it." "He checks my phone." "I heard you talking to someone." "It wasn't Stuart, was it?" "No, darling." "Oh..." "Good." "It was only Balthazar." "See?" "I was brushing him." "Like you asked." "Oh, look!" "He's completely bald now." "Add to your list." "Find out if they make dog wigs." "Dog wigs." "And when am I going to receive a typed menu for tonight's supper to approve?" "Soon, darling." "I hope so." "I'd hate to think you were taking advantage of my hospitality." "Hello, darling." "We need to talk." "I know..." "Why are you dressed like that?" "This seemed like an occasion that called for extra drama." "So..." "What exactly happened between us the other night?" "Nothing, right?" "You don't remember?" "Not really." "Do you?" "Every detail." "I remember being with Chloe and you were with your boyfriend." "And we were all drinking." "And then we went home and it was just the two of us." "Then we kept drinking." "And drinking." "And then we were laughing!" "I remember laughing!" "There's nothing wrong with laughing." "And then we were..." "Oh, God." "Do you want me to pick it up from there, darling?" "No." "I'm not going to tell anybody, Ash." "What happened between us shouldn't have happened." "Twice." "Oh, God!" "It doesn't have to change anything between us." "We need never even talk about it again." "OK." "You were very caring and attentive." "I just want you to know that." "Thanks." "You're certain our friendship can go back to the way it was before, Ash?" "Sure." "Good." "I suppose we should get to the business at hand." "I don't have long." "Freddie really monitors my comings and goings." "Stuart too." "I shouldn't say this, but he's really starting to get on my nerves." "Oh, please." "I spent most of the day fantasising about knocking Freddie unconscious with a fire extinguisher." "What are we going to do?" "We have to find a way to get them back together." "But how?" "I'm not sure yet." "Let's think." "Oh!" "Did you think of it?" "No." "I just remembered something you did with your tongue." "I can't believe this is the first blind date I've ever been on." "If I waited any longer, I'd actually be blind." "Where did you say you met this man?" "He was buying a Frappuccino at Starbucks." "A Frappuccino?" "!" "So he's rich." "And I'm certain you'll like him." "Did you tell Stuart I was going on a date?" "I did." "What did the little turd say?" "Was he dying of jealousy?" "Wait..." "He hasn't started dating too, has he?" "Oh, what am I saying?" "Of course not." "He's a very specialised fetish." "How many people are into men over 70 who look like turtles?" "This is the restaurant." "I'll leave you here, darling." "Oh, thank you, Vi." "Would you mind going home and cooking me a full dinner in case this is a complete disaster?" "And clean the rugs." "I'm sorry, Freddie." "I'm going to be moving back to my flat." "You said the asbestos was killing you." "Yes, well, at least the asbestos was doing it more slowly." "I'm so nervous!" "I haven't been on a date since 1963." "And that was in an alleyway." "Hopefully, this will be nicer." "It's legal, for one thing." "So it's already nicer." "I think you're going to like him." "He's a friend of a friend." "And I hear he's very good-looking." "Maybe he's a model!" "Did you tell Freddie you'd set me up on a blind date?" "Oh, yeah." "He was really torn up about it too." "Good." "I hope he cried." "OK, we're here." "If I'm not enjoying myself, I'll text you and you can come and get me." "Say you're my boyfriend." "Can't I say I'm somebody else?" "Anybody else?" "All right, ex-boyfriend." "Here we go, darling." "Freddie's already in there." "I hope this works." "Not sure if I can stand another night of him getting up to pee 15 times." "It would be easier if he slept on the toilet." "How about I take us out for some Chinese food?" "I'm... kind of just going to go home." "I'm really tired." "Oh." "It's been a long day." "Well, I'll see you around, OK?" "Yeah, yeah, of course, darling." "Hello." "I'm meeting somebody here." "Of course." "Right this way." "Is he a model?" "No, don't tell me." "I want to be surprised." "Oh, you've got to be shitting me!" "He's definitely not a model." "I am here tonight on a date, Stuart." "Yes, so am I." "Mine's going to be here in a minute." "So you should just get out of here." "I am the date, you idiot." "Bugger!" "Violet and Ash must have arranged it." "I can't believe that you would go out on a date." "You're doing the same!" "That's completely different." "How?" "Because it's me." "I'm leaving." "Oh, don't be ridiculous." "You're here now." "Might as well stay." "Maybe for a few minutes." "So..." "So..." "How have things been, living with Ash?" "It's all been perfect." "Never happier." "And things with Violet?" "Wonderful." "I accidentally saw her naked, which was a bit of a fright." "But otherwise it's been bliss." "I'm glad to hear it." "How's Balthazar?" "Have you been putting his oxygen mask on?" "Of course." "He misses you." "I miss him too." "Freddie - Stuart " "Would you like to order?" "We're talking!" "How dare you interrupt us like that?" "You don't do that to someone!" "It's scandalous!" "We should call the manager." "Please, it's my first day." "You should have thought of that before you came barrelling over here like a lunatic!" "I'm sorry." "I didn't " "An assortment of free starters might help smooth things over." "Um..." "OK." "What would you like?" "Surprise us." "Scarper!" "That was fun." "I know." "Tormenting the waiter has made me realise how much I miss us." "Miss you." "Oh, I miss you too." "Freddie." "Yes?" "Why were we fighting?" "I don't know." "I thought you knew." "Not really." "I suppose the wedding started bringing up strange feelings." "I know." "I just hope it doesn't change what we have." "We've been together for 50 years." "Is that all discounted now because we can get married?" "It's all so confusing." "I know one thing that is not confusing, Stuart." "How I feel about you." "What do you say?" "Is the wedding back on?" "All right - Not now!" "Nothing would me me happier, Stuart, than to make you my wife." "Husband." "Husband." "Violet." "Hello, darling." "I have something to tell you and then I'll be off." "Is everything OK?" "Nothing happened." "Excuse me?" "Nothing happened between us." "It didn't?" "!" "No." "But I thought..." "I put you to bed, nothing more." "Really?" "Really." "I was teasing you." "I'm sorry." "You really had me, Violet!" "Oh, my God!" "I totally believed you!" "Oh, Ash." "It's been a year of challenges." "My husband left me and..." "Well, you're very dear to me." "And I wouldn't want anything to get in the way of that." "I wouldn't either." "I should go." "No, don't go." "I'll order us some Chinese food." "I'd like that." "So, shall we have a drink?" "Perhaps that's not the best idea." "Yeah, you're probably right!" "But perhaps a tiny one couldn't hurt." "I'll get the bottle!" "Hello, Mother." "I wanted to tell you Freddie and I are getting married." "Yes, we can get married now." "I don't know if we still go to hell." "I think they might have changed that too." "Yes, what a world indeed." "Yeah, talk soon!" "The kitchen still stinks of Violet's cheap perfume." "Poor Balthazar smells like the inside of a prostitute's handbag." "I'm going to have my work cut out putting this flat back together." "I can't believe you were ever gone." "How long was it anyway?" "A day." "Seemed longer." "Shall we go to bed?" "Yes, let's." "Oh, I threw out your clothes because I was angry." "They're in the rubbish bin, along with old photos of you and most of your personal effects." "Welcome back." "Yes." "I'm back." "Oh, Mother." "I just moved in this week." "I can't wait for you to see it." "No, I have a flatmate." "His name is Freddie." "He's the sweetest man you'll ever meet with a kind word for everyone." "I know you want me to get married." "Don't worry, I will." "It just might take a bit of time." "Yes, I promise I'll call every day." "Kisses!" "Was that your mother?" "I wanted to say hello." "When am I going to get to meet her?" "I'm sure I'll love her." "Oh, you will." "I just know it." "She wants me to get married." "Isn't that sweet?" "So you haven't told her about us." "Not yet." "Next time I talk to her." "You'll have to tell her you're never getting married." "Don't say never, Freddie." "Anything can happen." "After all, you're going to be a famous actor." "And I'm going to be..." "something amazing." "Oh, you already are." "Ohh." "I think I'll pop the kettle on." "No, let me get it." "I don't want you to feel you have to wait on me." "No, I like getting your tea." "Will we always be this happy?" "For ever and ever." "Oh, and not so much sugar in it this time, OK?" "Oh, right." "Maybe you should make it yourself, then." "Did you say something?" "I heard a hissing lisp as if a homosexual balloon was slowly leaking air." "Well, you would be the expert on things that are filled with air." "Listen to us." "What are we doing?" "I have no idea." "I am so sorry." "Swear we'll never do that again." "I swear." "Ohh." "Still waiting on that tea." "Tick-tock!" "Of course." "What an arsehole." "I heard that!" "What are you still doing down there?" "Did one of your spindly bones snap on the way up the stairs?" "All right, shut up, I'm coming." "I think Ash screwed Violet."