"How many bowls..." "How many is enough?" "Just give me a hint, round it off." "Dad, it's not like that, you can't count." "I add a little milk, I add a little cereal." "I add a little milk." "Ben, stop, just stop, be strong for both of us." "Well, dad, the ratio is not right here." "I mean, it has to be perfect." "How could you possibly lead a normal..." "Hope to lead a normal life if you have seven bowls of cereal?" "Well, my metabolism is different than..." " Than people?" " Yes." "I don't know, it just doesn't sound..." "You know, the last time you had your blood checked..." " Yeah?" " It was crunchy." "That's not a good sign." "Dad, I don't want anything..." "I don't wanna do anything special for the birthday, if you don't mind." "What do you mean?" "Why not?" "Well, I'm just not thrilled about this one." "You know, 25." "I'm surprised to hear you say that, Ben." "Do you feel like that's old?" "Well, yeah, I mean..." "We don't have to have a big party, but I would like to celebrate in whatever way you see..." "I don't particularly like birthdays." "You know that, dad." "It signifies getting older, and, you know, 25 is..." "Ben, from the second you're born, you start dying, you know?" "Pass the salt, please." "Like I said, I wanna insist, no parties." "Your call, I'm not gonna force a party on you." "Very cursory mention of the birthday itself, like maybe one "Happy birthday"" "in the morning and that's it and then don't even look at me." "I'd love to get you the best present you ever had." "Just gotta give me a hint." "I have no idea what that would be for you." "No, I don't know." "You have..." "I mean, I can't tell you what I want." "I don't like when people, like, tell people what they want for gifts." "The gift is really for the giver, you know?" "I mean, what makes you feel better?" "If you think you've got a good gift for somebody, it makes you happy, and that's what counts." "And the last eight birthdays you've given me sucky gifts." "Hey, Laura, what you got there?" "Look, it's a little bird." "A baby." " Did he fall out of his nest?" " I guess so." "I found him in front of the building." "Hi, little guy." "I was afraid he was gonna get stepped on, so I brought it upstairs." "I put it in this box and I'm feeding it, see?" "Aren't you afraid?" "Afraid of what?" "I don't know, it's wild, it's a bird." "What's it gonna do?" "That's the part that scares me." "We don't know this." "Dr. Katz, I could crush it between my thumb and my forefinger." "Okay, but just..." "I don't wanna look." "Just do it and get it over with." "Hi... hi, we're the Smothers brothers to see Dr. Katz." " Let me ask you a question." " What?" "When we go in, are you gonna get the couch this time and I get the floor?" "Tom, you prefer the floor." "I don't prefer the floor." "It's better orthopedically for you." "Last time I was on the floor, you had the couch, and the time before." "Shh!" "You're a very charming woman." "Thank you very much." "Shh!" "What about your impotence?" "You gonna talk about that?" " My what?" " Your impotence?" "What do you mean by that?" "The way you talk back to everybody." "That's impudence!" "Not impotence." "Oh, impudence..." "You gonna talk about that?" "I didn't choose you as a brother." " Yes, you did." " I did not." "I don't believe in that mystical stuff..." ""You choose your mother, you choose your father, you choose your brother."" "You just happened to be there already." "Well, I asked mom for a bicycle, and she said, "Nope, you're gonna get a brother."" "Yes, that's true." "Anyway, I used to ride you around like a bicycle." "Um, boys..." "You did not ride me around." "You have no memory." "Mom liked you, she loved you." "She practiced on you, you're the eldest child." "I don't wanna talk to you." "'Cause mom didn't like me, 'cause I was born first." "And dad turned around and said..." "He said to mom, when I was born, he said..." "He came in crying." "He says, "I went and saw my baby, and he's deformed."" "Well, you know, I have some thoughts on the subject." "I know, that's true." "He thought you were the ugliest baby he'd ever seen, but, see, that was his first experience with children." "Why are you laughing?" "This isn't funny." "I think it is." "I think you take it all too seriously." "I'll just hold 'em for later, I guess." " This is serious." " What's serious about it?" "Well, did you tell him that I didn't get a pet and you did?" " You got a pet." " I didn't get a pet." " You had a dog." " I had a dog." " I didn't..." " Just a second!" "You had a dog, mom gave you a dog." "And everybody said, "Tom doesn't get a dog."" "You didn't need a dog." " I wanted a pet." " You got a pet." "I didn't get a pet." " Well, what do you call it?" " A crummy chicken." "It's no fun playing with a chicken." "A 40-pound chicken, it was a big chicken." "I don't care, you had a dog." "It killed my dog." "You know, sometimes when a boy says he wants a dog, what he really wants is a hug..." "Or a dog." "I'm sorry, I was just thinking out loud." "I mean, I was talking out loud." "I was thinking to myself before." "Feel free to continue to argue." "Just..." "I wanted to talk about the celebration." "Which celebration?" "About your birthday celebration." "Dad, I already told you" "I don't wanna make a big deal out of it." "Well, not a big deal, but I thought maybe we'd go get some Chinese food." " What do you mean "We"?" " "We"?" "Not "We"!" "I mean I thought maybe I'd go get some Chinese food." "There you go." "And if you wanna tag along for your birthday party..." "Well, there's nothing wrong with bringing some back." "How about that?" "No, I thought that would be fun." "We'd go to the Lucky Dragon..." "Yeah, not so lucky, the last time I went there." "Well, that's because you had too much of everything." "I know." "I just think it's bad that you can order more than one pig's worth of ribs." "So what do you say?" "Should I make reservations?" "You know, dad, I do have sort of an important announcement, though." "Okay, let me hang up." "No, no, what is your announcement?" "This morning, after I ate breakfast," "I made an oath to myself after you left that I would not eat any more cereal." "Good for you, that's great, I'm proud of you." "I'm giving it up." "I mean, I'm 25 years old, dad." "I can't sit here for the rest of my life in a house that's poorly decorated and eat cereal." "What are you eating there?" "What's that?" "What are you having?" "It sounds delicious." "Cereal." "What about your oath?" "Well, (bleep) the oath." "Who cares?" "Just a note to myself, kill the bird." "Dr. Katz, look!" " This is not..." " She's doing so well." "Look at her, she's so strong." "You see, this is not working out for me, Laura, because, you know, this is a place of business, and my patients can hear the bird." "Since when has the sound of birds chirping been a bad thing for depressed people?" "No, it's not specifically that sound." "It's just distracting." "Well, Dr. Katz, this is an emergency situation." "The rules change in an emergency." "Look, I understand." "I'm just afraid that he might be distracting you from your job a little bit." "He is, but that's not the only reason" "I want it here." "That's very funny, Laura." "No, seriously, Dr. Katz, I am doing my job." "Look, Laura, I like the bird as much as you do." "I just can't do my job under these circumstances." "Not fair to ask." "It's not fair to me." "It's not fair to the patients." "It's not fair to the bird." "Well, it's kind of fair to the bird." "Okay, it's not fair to me, it's not fair to my patients." "It's fair to the bird." "You have a lot of problems, don't you?" "I can see it in your eyes." " Sybil." " Cheep!" "Squeaky from!" "Laura, can you send Sam Brown in now?" "You're lucky." "I didn't get a lot of approval growing up." " You didn't?" " I didn't." "That's okay." "I used to come running home from school." ""Grandma, grandma, I got an A!"" ""Is an A gonna clean your room for you?" "Is an A gonna bring back my dead brother Morty?" "Is an A gonna find a husband for your sister, the cyclops?" "Huh?"" "Well, I had a little bit of a drug problem when I was younger." "I gave myself away one Thanksgiving." "My mom was like," ""Sam, what part of the turkey would you like?"" "I was like, "Uh... the forehead?"" "She thought it was, like, a phase I was going through, you know?" ""It's just a phase." "Lots of kids his age collect zip-loc baggies!"" "Yeah." "God bless her, she's the best." "But she is oblivious." "I swear to god, you could hit her in the back of the head with a snow shovel, and she'd be like, "There's somebody at the doorbell."" ""Ha-ha-ha!" "Grilled cheese sandwich?" "Ha-ha-ha!"" "Hello?" "Hi, Ben." " Laura?" "Um..." " Yeah." "Hi, Laura, it's Ben." " I know." " I, uh..." "I don't remember why I called you." "You didn't, I called you." "Oh yeah, that's so weird." "Man, I was trying to remember what I wanted to say to you, but then I..." "I must be asleep." "Ben, I need you to do me favor." "Could you just listen to me, please?" "Why don't you call back when I get up?" "Ben!" "Do I have any pants on in this dream?" "I'm sorry, this is odd, you called." "Ben, why don't we hang up and you call me right back?" "That would be more comfortable." "Okay, bye." "Dr. Katz's office." "Hey, it's Ben." "Ben, hi." "Jeez, I feel much better." "Listen." "It's like I'm standing on solid ground." "Listen, Ben, I..." "Not out there in the middle of that weird ocean we were just in." " Listen, Ben..." " Treading water." "I have a favor to ask you." " You have a favor to ask me?" " Yes." "Call me back." "Never mind, I'll find someone else." "No, no, what, what is it?" "No, I'll get someone else, never mind." " No, did my dad forget something?" " No, no." "Do I need to come by the office?" "'Cause I got time." " I need some help." " You do?" " Yes." " What kind of help?" "Well, I have this baby bird that I found." "First of all, slow down, take one word at a time." "It's just Ben here." " Have you been to a bullfight?" " No." "That bull has no chance." "There's no bravery going on at all." "They shove, like, a 4-foot tomato stake in its head, some toothpicks, they slap it around a little bit while the crowd goes, "Ole."" "And that's how I felt as a little boy." " Hmm?" " Hmm." " Hmm?" " Hmm." "I bet that's what you were thinking, doctor, wasn't it?" "You're trying to think, "Does he feel like the bull?" "Maybe he's a bull." "He's sort of a short, thick, little man."" "Isn't that what you were thinking, doctor?" "With your little pen and your little school?" "Just because you went to Harvard or Columbia or some Ivy league school, it doesn't mean that I'm the bull, all right?" "Staten Island community college at night." "And you're the bull." "Why am I the bull?" "Why not sympathize with the bull?" "It's perfectly natural." "Because he never wins, the bull has no chance." "Well, you know, a lot of these fights are fixed." "Very often the bull is taking a dive." "You're a very weird man, Dr. Katz." "Stop thinking I'm the bull." "I'm not saying you're the bull, Sam." "All I can do is try to help you be the best bull you can be." "Okay, so what I need for you to do is take the bird during the day when I'm in the office." " Right." "And then once the workday's over," "I need you to bring it back to me so I can take it home." "And I need you to do that for me all week." "Huh, you know, it's an honor just to be asked." "Ben, will you do it?" "Not so much an honor to actually do it." "It's just that I don't think I can handle..." "Ben, this little bird needs you." "You know what?" "That didn't convince me." " I mean, I teared up..." " Ben!" "The thing is, Laura, I'm the type of guy who can't be seen with a little bird." "I got a reputation in my building." "I mean, when I go out, the super says, "How you doing?"" "He knows who I am, I know who he is." "If I was walking around with a little baby bird..." "I mean, do I have to do anything for it?" "Well, you have to make sure it's warm enough and you have to feed it constantly." "I would really appreciate it, Ben." "I do really appreciate it." "I've been in this situation before with a goldfish, and I fed it until it exploded." "Yeah, well, that's not good, but..." "So I don't know how to, like, limit the feeding." "I wouldn't know how to deal with a baby creature." "They're very sensitive and maybe that's something you should handle." "Why don't you bring it home?" "Well, then, I don't think you're the right person to do it." "You obviously can't handle it." "Well, don't think I won't do it." "I'll do it." "I'm just telling you it's gonna explode." "It's scary in there." "They call it "Off-track betting"" "'cause they wanna keep these people off the track." "I think the horses should sit around and watch the people race." ""Here comes Methadone Sal on the outside, followed by Urine-encrusted Raincoat and Ben the Crappy Father." "Here comes Ben the Crappy Father" ""and Urine-encrusted Raincoat and Part-time Whore!" ""Part-time Whore and Mama's Little Disappointment." "And here comes Scotch for Breakfast and Lithium Lou!" "Part-time Whore and Piggy-bank Thief!" "And Michael Flatley, the Lord of the Dance." "Part-time Whore!" "Urine-encrusted Raincoat!" "I'm having an aneurysm." "Blah-blah-blah!" " I love to hear myself talk!" " Sam..." "Eeeeh!"" "I love to hear me!" "Me, me, me!" "Please, my head's on fire!" "Part-time Whore!" "Urine-encrusted Raincoat!" "Wa-wa-wa!" " Hey, Sam!" " I don't feel so good!" "So you're saying use the dropper for the bird but don't then use it myself?" " Right." " Okay." "Ben, why..." "I've never heard you speak so slowly in your entire life." "Hey, dad." "Can you just summarize your points and get out of here?" "Well, I just..." "Because I know that Laura has thanked you, but have I thanked you for doing this, by the way?" "I don't need your thanks, dad." "No, you're doing me an enormous favor by getting... by continuing the healing process out of the office." "Okay, Ben, don't..." "You can't hold him out of the heat lamp that long." "Come on." "Hey, you two, stop yelling at me, all right?" "I'm gonna do this." "Ben, just please be careful." " Please." " Enough said." "Look, am I holding it right, the box?" "No." "Okay, I'm sorry to rush this thing along, but I'm developing kind of a twitch." "Just go, hurry, keep it warm." "Wait a minute..." "This isn't really happening." "What's that?" ""In the ravine?" "We've gotta save the girl?"" "Dad, did you hear?" "We've gotta go save the girl in the ravine." " Dad?" " Mama." "He's gone crazy." "I remember when dad used to take me out for walks in the park." "Yes, I know." "And I would be holding his hand." "'Cause mom never took me for walks." "Dad never took my brother..." "Never took you for walks, either." " Oh, he did too." " He did not." "You didn't walk until you were nine." " Hey, guys." " Okay." "Doctor, he'd hold my hand and we'd walk around the park, and everybody would say, "There goes Gort Smothers and his little son, Tommy." "Hi, Tommy."" " I'd feel so proud..." " They said what?" "What did they say?" "They'd always say, "There's little Tommy Smothers"" "and his father, Gort." "What a nice-looking boy..."" "Dad's name was Mort." "Our dad's name was Mort?" "I think, doctor, that just tells you where it's at." "If he doesn't even know his father from Mort from Gort, how does he know..." "You're just taking it out of context again." "Could you explain that?" "How come you're always laughing?" "You think everything's funny here." "This is serious." "I don't always laugh, there's moments of mirth." "Life is such a comedy, Tom." "I think being with you is one of the most comedic experiences" "I've ever experienced." "Thank you, thank you very much." "It's not a compliment." "It sounded like a compliment." "It wasn't a compliment." "What'd you say?" "I said being with you is one of the most comedic experiences" "I've ever experienced, I guess." " Well, thank you." " That's not a compliment!" "Well, you said it was a great experience." "I know I did, but you have to understand the irony with which that was spoken." "See, the problem is you take things literally." "You have to interpret the nuance." "See, nuances and you are not friends." "Thank you very much." "That's not a compliment!" "Hello?" "Hi, Ben." "Dad, quiet down, the bird's sleeping." "Oh, wait a minute, you don't have to." "I have to be quiet, it can't hear you." "Hey, Ben, got an idea:" "Same holiday, same celebration, but different venue." "Your 25th birthday, I'm talking about." "You wanna do it live?" "I wanna go to a movie with you." " Dad, I..." " What do you think?" "You're moving too fast." "Well, we always have fun at the movies." " I gotta be honest." " Yeah." "The bird is just great." "I mean, it's totally responding to me." "Yeah, so I'm taking that as a "Yes"" "that you wanna go to the movies." "I'm sorry..." "I forgot about the movies." "It's just that I'm trying to concentrate on the bird here." "I understand that, but you're gonna be 25 years old on Friday." "Yes, and I have a life to support here." "It's like tomorrow," "I'm gonna have to be dealing with the bird." "So I might not have time to go to the movies." "I'm talking about after you return the bird to Laura." "Well, you know, I'm thinking about keeping the bird." "Have you talked to Laura about that?" "No." "It's mine, she gave it." "No, she asked you to take care of it." "Well, that was kind of like an invitation to keep it." "I don't think that was her understanding at all." "Well, you know what?" "It's my birthday, I'm keeping the bird." "Ben, being 25 doesn't mean being aggressive and unkind." "Maybe this one is a little too, you know... too much." "It seems like a big deal, 25, but I think you're being a little..." "Don't you get upset on your birthday?" "How old are you now?" "I'm 49." " You're almost 50." " That's right." "You're double my age." "I never understood why, when you're 25 and I'm 50," "I'll be twice as old as you, but when you're 26..." " Yeah." "I won't be twice as old as you anymore." "Hey, dad, I got a 300 on my SATs in math." "I'm in no position to answer that." "It's hard to explain to someone his age that 25 is nothing." "He's still a kid, you know?" "Oh, he's a baby." "Well, he's not really that much of a baby." "No, 25, you don't know nothing." "You don't know what love is." "You don't know what marriage is." "You don't know what most drinks are." "Sam, we have so many layers to get through here." "You know, I don't know where to begin." "Why don't we get, like, a triple session?" "We'll go back to back to back." "It'll be like the "Jerry Lewis telethon of dysfunction."" "And we'll cure me in, like, one day." "I don't think that's a possibility." "I don't wanna wait to be happy." "I wanna be happy right now." "Can't we string it all together in one week?" "No." "Blow off your other clients for a week for me." "Okay, no." "Sam, can you..." "We're gonna have to stop now." "Don't interrupt me, I'm still talking." "I have feelings that I need to get out, okay?" "This isn't about you, it's about me." "I'm the one paying here, not you, okay?" "Sam." "If you came over to my house for dinner or a make-your-own-sundae party, would I all of a sudden say," ""Hey, Dr. Katz, that's enough hot fudge!" "Get out of my house!"" "Sam, you know what the music means." "The music means nothing to me, okay?" "Go ahead, try to throw me out." "Try to get me out of here, I want you to." "Physically remove me." "Laura?" "Laura could get me out." "It's time for Sam to go." "If Laura comes in, I'll leave." "So, anyway, as I was saying, Laura," "I think because the bird and I have been together for a couple days now, and because today is sort of a special day..." "My son's turning 25 today." "Yeah." "That's my little baby." "Dad, please don't tell everybody." "Well, you'll always be my little baby." "Don't call me a "Little baby."" "They know what I mean..." "Do you have kids, sir?" "Oh, god, you're kidding me." "Ben, you can't keep the bird." "Laura, you know, it is my birthday, the day I was born." "I have another present for you, actually, but if you'd rather keep the bird, then I'll just..." "I'll return it." "Oh, that's so sweet, Laura." " You got me a gift?" " She got you a gift." "Yeah." "Oh my god, it's got a ribbon on it." "Yeah." "Hey, that's really nice." "But if you'd rather have the bird, then I'll just return it, I guess." "Screw the bird, here, take the bird." "Give me the gift." "Okay, well, have fun and happy birthday." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Is that some sort of a sideways insult?" "Hmm?" "You saying I'm fat?" "Ben, she just wished you a happy birthday, what's..." "All right, all right, thanks." "You're welcome." " See you." " Bye." "I can't believe I have to micromanage every moment of your life..." "Just the basics." "Dad, I was doing fine on my own." "Well, not really." "You wanna stop here and open that up?" "Yeah, let's take a seat." "Okay, I'm ready." "Let's give this baby a ride." "Let's rock and roll." "Let's see what we got here." "Oh my god." "I think that's mine, Ben." "It's a stapler." "Yeah, that's my stapler." "Are you serious?" "She took your stapler and wrapped it up?" "Wait a second..." "What is the wrapping paper?" "That's somebody's file." "You know what?" "I applaud her." "But, first, I fire her." "Then I applaud her." "Let me try it calypso style." "Couldn't you liven it up a little bit?" "There you go." "♫ Happy birthday... ♫" "♫ birthday Ben mmm-hmm ♫" "Thank you, I'm going to my room." "Don't you wanna blow out anything?" "Hey, let's blow out the pilot light this time."