"# Wheels on fire" "# Rolling down the road" "# Best notify my next of kin" "# This wheel shall explode" "Panic attack, panic attack, panic attack!" "God!" "Health, health, health, darling!" " Washing machine." " That's absolutley right, sweetie." "Feeling great I expect this morning are you?" "Fabulous, darling." "Oh God!" "Patsy can put it away can't she sweety?" "Oh God!" "Stop looking at me like that, sweetie!" "What do I have to do to convince you" "I had one bloody drink, sweetie!" "You know are you accusing me of something?" "Have you looked in the mirror this morning?" "Your eye bags are rouged." " What are you eating there?" " Toast." " What is that on the toast?" " It's honey, Mother." "Honey?" "That's not honey, that's my bloody royal jelly moisturiser, sweetie." "Good God, you are eating 300 pounds worth of royal jelly, darling." "It's been hand-squished out of a bee's backside." "And not any old bloody bee, but the bloody Gucci of bees, darling." "This is the stuff that Jackie Stallone would kill for this, darling." "That's better." " Make me a cup of coffee,darling." " You know where it is, make it yourself." " I don't know where it bloody is, do I?" " Please don't swear." "Sweetie, make mum a cup of coffee." "You're so clever and you know where everything is darling, don't you?" "I think it's marvellous the way you know where everything is." "You're marvellous." "Flattery won't turn me into your servant." "The coffee is in front of you." "Pick up a spoon, put coffee in cup, pour on boiling water." "Scald hands, get third-degree burns, scream in agony..." "Do you really want that on your conscience this morning?" " Alright..." " Thank you, sweetheart." "No, not instant, darling, not instant." "Grind some beans, for God's sake." "Instant coffee is just old beans that have been cremated." "I don't want them." "I want them entire with life force today." "Could you not pull that face while you grind?" "I don't really want to drink a cup full of your anger." "Anyway, I shouldn't be drinking coffee." "I shouldn't be bloody drinking coffee" "I don't want any coffee, throw it away,." "I don't want any bloody coffee!" "I just wanted some fennel twig tea or something." "Look at the time, sweetie." "I should be in the office!" "Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie!" "Tell them my car hasn't arrived, there's traffic door-to- door and I'm not well!" "Hello?" "My mother's sitting here in her dressing gown... it's just me, darling. "Dressing gown", sha knows nothing about fashion." "Now listen, sweetie." "I'm literally out of the door when my bloody car turns up, and I'm managing to keep a lid on things this end alright?" "I know you can manage that end, Bubble darling, alright?" "I'm chanting as we speak." "Bye-bye, darling." "You're not a Buddhist, you wouldn't understand." "Mum, you did it for a week, which admittedly for you is a record." "It's not a fad, darling." "It's not like crystals." "please, stop it!" "Sweetie, you wouldn't say that if you knew how much we owe to my chanting darling." "This house wouldn't be here, darling." "I chanted for this gorgeous house!" "I chanted to be successful and believe in myself." "Please let me make some more money so I can buy Saffron books and a car." "Ding, ding, ding, ding!" "In Buddhist obviously..." "not in English, when I do it properly." " What is it, some sort of cosmic cash machine?" " Oh God!" "could you try not being so cynical today." "Today I need just a little bit of bloody support." "Why is today such a panic, anyway?" "It's only a fashion show and you've had six months to prepare it." "Why is everything always so hysterical?" "All you've got to do is play a bit of music, turn on the lights, get some people who have thrown up everything they've ever eaten and send them down a catwalk." "Greater feats have been achieved in less time and with less fuss." "Not quite with it, darling, are you?" "Major motion pictures are made, huge concerts are put on in stadiums..." "I mean for God's sake, 500,000 troops were mobilised in the Gulf, a war fought and won in less time, without everyone involved having a nervous breakdown and being sent flowers." "It can't be that difficult." "Darling, every troop didn't have to contain Yasmin Le Bon." "The generals didn't require "big hugs" after every manoeuvre, and the whole operation did not have to be co-ordinated to rap and Japanese avant-garde pipe music." "Because I think if it had, the outcome might have been rather different, don't you?" "mmm?" "Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to go and get dressed." "Forgot to ring Chukhani." "He was going to channel a colour for me today." "Chukhani, it's Edina." "Green." "Thank you, darling." "Don't look at me like that." "There's more to it." " Of course, there is." "The bill." " Sweetie, sweetie." "He doesn't just choose the colour..." "Listen,cause you might learn something now." "He doesn't just choose the colour himself, darling." "It is related to who I was in a previous existence." "And who was it you were in a previous life?" "I suppose you were the Elizabeth Taylor of the Ming dynasty?" "Well close, yes." "So how come you've ended up just a mad, fat, old cow?" "Will you stop saying that word "fat"?" "Stop it, now!" "Stop it!" "I know you're only saying it to annoy me." "Aren't you, darling?" "No, I'm saying it because it's true..." "Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God..." "What happened, then?" "Why do you have to pick on everything I do?" "All I want are a few little things, a few little pleasures, a few little crutches to help me get through life, darling." "Get through?" "Mum, you've absolved yourself of responsiblity." "You live from self-induced crisis to self-induced crisis." "Someone does your hair,someone chooses what you wear,someone does your brain, someone tells you what to eat, and three times a week someone sticks a hose up your bum and flushes it all out of you." "It's called colonic irrigation, darling." "It's not to be sniffed at." "Why can't you just go to the toilet like normal people?" "Is that what you really want me to be darling, normal?" "Some boring, old, normal old toilet goer?" "hmmm?" ""Where's Mummy?"." ""She's on the toilet. "" ""But I want to go to somewhere interesting and meet exciting people. "" ""well she can't take you because she's on the bloody toilet. "" "well anybody can go to the toilet, they say." "well they obviously, haven't seen you drunk..." "What do you mean by that remark?" "Can I just say thank you, bloody thank you, so stop doing that now!" "Thank you so bloody much for giving me such a lot of support on this bloody important day... darling a lot of daughters might have offered to come with me and help, but no, not you." "You've probably got something rather interesting to listen to on Radio 4 have you?" "... ...or some new exhibit of test-tubes at the Science Museum to go and see." "It doesn't matter, I'll just go on my own." "There's a little party afterwards,you know darling, but i'll probably just go on my own to that as well, shall i?" " No." " Oh Come on, darling." "Sweetheart..." "It's your drama-you act in it." "I won't be your accessory." ""What should i wear the daughter with the Dior?"." ""Oh look at Edina isn't she marvellous and she's got a family, I don't know how she does it." "How clever!"" " Time of the month, darling?" " No." "Just thought you looked as if you were retaining a little water down here." "Darling, if you want to lose weight sweetie I've got some marvellous pills upstairs darling." "You just pee it out overnight." "Alright..." " You're not seeing your father tonight are you darling?" " No." " Good." " Go and get dressed." "Darling." "Darling, look at Mummy." "Look at Mummy, sweetie." "Do I need surgery, darling?" " Yes." " Alright." "Get your mouth sewn up." "I'm still here, darling." "I heard that." "Yes well i pay you to interpret my dreams, so can't you at least find a hidden depth?" "Well, I'm not willing to believe I'm simply that obvious" "And if you're a bloody psychic psychologist, how come i'm always having to call you?" "Oh just stuff it!" "Saffy darling, I'm off, but I won't see you later, because you don't love me enough darling." "Lacroix, sweetie!" "It's alright, isn't it?" "it's a bit tight maybe, but it's alright, isn't it?" "You know, people will think, "Wow, it's a Lacroix!" OK?" "I just can't find anything to go with it that's all." "Maybe I can throw up on something for you?" " Oh I see." "Someone already has." " Jean Muir." "Bloody door!" "It will be my car." "Sweetie, it will be my car." " Darling." " Pats, darling." "Sweetie, your car's here." "I thought I might scrounge a coffee." "Well darling, I can't I'm in a dreadful rush." "I can't..." "Saff is here, though alright?" " What are you wearing Eddy?" " Lacroix." " It's fabulous." " Good, thank you." " Patsy could go with you, Mother." " Yes, why don't you come with me in the car?" "We'll talk in the car." "Alright, darling?" "Bye-bye, sweetie, darling bye bye." "Have a little haircut, have a little bob." " Don't be..." " What darling?" " Don't be late." " Alright, sweetie." "Or drunk..." "Darliing, stop me drinking today." "Saff has threatened to leave home again." "darling you don't drink." "look i know i'm not a drinker, but you know what she's like i mean..." "A pig." "God, I must ring in and tell them I'm coming." " What will you drink if you stop drinking?" " I shall drink water." "It's a mixer, Patsy." "We have it with whisky." "You know what it's like." "You've given up drinking before." "worst eight hours of my life." "Right, it's me." "I'm on my way in." "Everything's completely under control this end, how is it with you?" "Lights, models, guest list?" "Just do your best, darling." "I'm rushing." "Bye." " Are you going straight to the office?" " Yes." " Past Harvey Nic's?" " No, Pats" "Could we?" "Well, it is nearly lunch-time." " 10:30, Patsy." " mmm!" "well look we can do Harvey Nichols quickly and then we'll pick up some lunch and just take it into the office." "I think it would look better." "Whatever." "But darling remember it's your company." "You're the boss, you can do what you want." " Don't let them pressure you." " I'll just ring and tell them." "Shall i?" " You'll kill yourself the way you go on." " Yes, i'll ring them later." "Darling, you will come to the show tonight, won't you?" "Saffy's refused you know and I need just a little bit of support." "Well, of course you do and of course I will." "Deserted by son and daughter." "Where is Serge?" "Where is Serge?" "Potholing with his university, I don't want to talk about it." "I sometimes wonder what the point of having children is if they're not going to turn up to your launches?" "Did you tell them how important it was for you darling?" "Did i tell them?" "I faxed the bloody dean, the bollocky halls of residence and the buggery mountain rescue." "What more can I do?" "Nothing, and you shouldn't have to." "I mean, look at you." "You've been a fantastic mother." "You've let them ruin your figure." "Your stomach's stretched beyond recognition, you've got tits down to your knees, and what for, for godsake?" "For a potholer who's worn nothing but a purple nylon tracksuit and a Gazza t-shirt for the past two years." "Cut the cord, darling." " Left here if we're going to Harvey Nic's." " Left!" "We're going to San Fred's for lunch and then we're going shopping." "Eddy, can I borrow your phone?" "Thanks." "I'm glad you're with me Pats, because otherwise I wouldn't use that car." "I wouldn't use that huge car pouring out petrol fumes and pollution like that, but you know there were three people in that car." "Three people in that car!" "Oh shut up, Eddy." "No one can hear you." "darling it's me." "I'm coming into the office now." "I'm coming through the door." "right i'm here, darling." "Don't panic, don't panic." "I'm here." "Right, Bubble." "Let's get things moving." "Sweetie, darling, I'm sorry i'm so late." "I think everything's just about done." "I told you things would manage without you darling." "Right." "Now, Bubble, did all the models turn up?" " Yeah every single one." " Good, good." "Except one." "Except one?" "You're not going to tell me it's Yasmin Le Bon, darling?" " No." " Thank God!" "No, sorry, yeah." "Yasmin Le Bon is ill." "Oh my buggery bollocks." "Why the bloody hell didn't you tell me earlier?" "Well, her husband's just phoned and said "Simon Le Bon", which I thought was really amusing." "Amusiing, darling?" "Yeah." "Very modern of him to take his wife's name." "Bubble, sweetie..." "I phoned round and I think I may have found a replacement." " Good, good." "Who?" " Betty Boo." "Shit." "Some of the designers aren't happy, but I said you'd speak to them." " This is all your fault, Patsy." " It's all fixable." "Yes, you're right." "Come on, how is the celebrity and VIP list looking?" "Good, I think." "But you know me, I don't know anybody." "Come on, darling." "Come on, darling!" "Just tell me about Joan Collins, Stephanie Powers, Paloma Picasso," "Charlotte Rampliing, Catheriine Denueve." "Give me some names, darling." " So far?" " So far." "So far Sinitta and Anne Robinson definite." "We're still chasing Anneka Rice." "Gave up on Norma Major." "Just get me my phone book now, would you darling?" "Get me my phone book." "I mean Princess Di has to have somebody to sit next to." " You don't get Princess Di..." " Anne, Anne." "Princess Anne." "As well as is it darling?" "Instead of." "Only." "Possibly with daughter." "Why, why?" "There was a bit of a mix-up." "I didn't make the call, but she's very game and a really nice person." "I wouldn't care if she was Mother bloody Teresa!" "It doesn't matter for our purposes." "What we need is a princess with a press following and a designer dress on her back!" "Not someone who looks like she runs up her own." "well her people were a bit cagey about which designer she favoured." "The only label she wears is "drip dry"." "Come on, come on, come on, darling!" "Let's take stock now." "We've got three hours." "darling finish the beaujolais and walk away, from it." " Shut up now, Patsy." " Right, I'm off." " Are we eating?" " Yes what of." "French, Italian, whatever you like." "Oh darling no one's eating that sort of food any more." "but there's a fabulous new Japanese in Mayfair." "Everything is raw." "Anything which has a pulse is lunch." "Alright, darling, whatever." "The magazine called for you, Patsy." "They need some decisions about this month's cover." "oh really!" "Whatever can they need to know?" "I mean it's the same every month, a model in make-up with a vacant look on her face." "well i might drop in on the way home." "see you later eddy, i'll leave the bottle." "no don't leave the bottle, Patsy." "I need a clear head forthe next three hours darling." " Do you want some coke?" " No, sweetie no." " No, shh!" " Save it 'till later." "Good luck, darling." "Have you got something I can pee into?" "I want to do another test before i go." "Bloody hell, Patsy!" "Wash it this time, will you?" "Anyway,darling who was it you were with last night?" "He was just a windscreen washer I picked up at the traffic lights." " Buns so tight he was bouncing off the walls." " Bye, Pats Darling, bye." " Bye-bye, sweetheart." "Bye, darling." " Goodbye, sweetie." " darling, you are a fabulous, wonderful individual" " Thank you." "and remember, i've known you longer than your daughter and anything you do is alright by me." "you know y ou're my bestfriend, sweetheart." " Can I take your car?" " Sweetie!" "Well, as long as it's back by six, I'm alright." "Bye, Eddy." "Thanks, darling." "Right." "Now, Bubble, I want a list of every PR company, every record company in the country, I want a copy of "Who's Who?"" "and the latest edition of Hello!" "Magazine." "Let's get "celebritied" up!" "Come on!" "Bubble, I want four huge video screens down either side of the catwalk." "I want to flash-up pictures of sad, but beautiful children, happy gay couples, slogans like "World Health", "No Pollution", "Fashion Cares".Alright darling?" "and print up thousands of new invitations on green, totally recycled paper, and cab them around to everybody." "Now, now!" "Now, darling." "Now, sweetie!" "Now, now!" "get on Princess Anne's people... tell her that everybody there will be mentally ill." "Tell her we'll sponsor her to wear a designer dress ok and make sure she realises that if she doesn't those little children won't get anything." "Press release." "Free champagne reception." "get on to Moet and Chandon." "Tell them it's for charity." "Get on to Joan Collins." "Tell her it's free champagne." "Look, darling." "I don't want to wear this, sweetie." "I want to look completely happening and unbiased." "No, sweetie. just get me something from every collection." "Alright darling?" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Leave that, darling, leave that." "Come On!" "Quick, quick, quick, come on!" "Come on!" " They loved it." " No, they hated me, they hated me." "No, love, love, love." " They loved it." " I hate them now, I hate them!" "Pats, it's fabulous,fabulous!" "A truly major fashion event is happening out there." " Well done, darling." " Thanks." "Everybody's there, everybody!" "Big names." "Chanel, Dior, Lagerfeld, Givenchy, Gaultier, darling." "Names, names, names." "Every rich bitch from Now York is in there." "Hockwenden, Ruttenstein, Vandebilt, Rothschild," "Hookenfooken berger, Daschund, Rottweiler, sweetie." "A whole row of skeletons with Jackie O hairdos." "Harper's, Tatler..." "English Vogue, American Vogue," "French Vogue, bloody Aby-bloody-ssinian Vogue," "Jeff Banks and Selina Scott couldn't even get a ticket, darling." "I'm going down in history Pats, as the woman that put Princess Anne in a Vivienne Westwood basque." "People weren't even looking at what was happening on the catwalk." "Good job, really darling." "Betty Boo and Danii Minogue did their best, but frankly..." " Cheers, anyway." " Cheers." " Pats?" " Darling." "Are we keeping these two?" "No, I thought we'd get a couple of different ones at the party." "If I squat down i'll piss myself." " Let's go away..." "Eddy." " Oh sweetie!" " When, darling, when?" " Now." "Let's go on holiday..." "I can't, sweetie." "I promised Saff I'd get home tonight." "Don't start making me go on holiday, Pats!" "Darling, you need a holiday..." "How long has she been around for?" "She's been around forever." " 16 she is, Pats - 16 years you've had her. 16 years!" " Get rid of her!" " I can't!" " Montserrat, I want to go to Montserrat." " Look at me, Patsy." " You're looking at a huge success tonight." " I know, darling, I know." "Career and all this." "I've got fabulous kids who adore me." "I just moved myself there, Pats." "I'm sorry." "What was I saying, Patsy?" "You were just going to tell me about their bastard..." "Bastard bloody fathers!" "God, I married the two biggest shits in the world, didn't I?" "Unhh...?" "do you know i don't know why it went wrong with Justin, because we just adored each other, you know?" "He's gay." "No, Patsy, that wasn't the reason, was it?" " Oh let's go on holiday..." " Stop it, stop it!" "Stop it now!" "Look, she mustn't know I've had a drink, darling." " She mustn't know I've had a drink." " Darliing, you're only slightly drunk." " I can't let her know I've had a drink." " Come on, sweetie." " Go on, sweetie, go on." " She'll never know, will she, darling?" " She's not your bloody mother!" " She's not my bloody mother!" "Mother never knew..." "did she, Pats?" "Remember?" "Oh far out!" "Oh that's fantastic!" " Are you going to come in?" " No." "Ciao." "Hello, Edwina dear." "Good concert?" "Why don't you come in and tell us all about it?" "Your father and I are still up." "I'm very tired, actually." "Come on, dear." "Your father would love to see you." "Hi." "Here she is." "Where was the concert this time, dear?" "Eel Pie Island again, was it?" "And who was it?" "Anyone we should have heard of?" "The Beatles, The Stones, The Rolling Who?" "You look a bit dizzy, dear." "Are you OK?" "Is that cider I can smell on your breath?" "No, she's not." "It's alright, darling, she's not here." "She's not here, darling." "Oh God!" "The pig's here." "Come on, sweetie." "Come on, sweetheart." "Alright, darling?" "Alright, Eddy?" "Alright, sweetheart." "Go, Vinny." "Goodnight, Eddy-darling." "Sweetie, you didn't have to..." "Sweetie, darling." "Sweetie, darling, Mummy's here sweetie." "Mummy is..." "Sweetie, darling, let me in." "Sweetie, darling, let me in!" "Stay still!" "Do you want to sleep in your clothes?" "Thank you." "Yes, I do." "Where's my joint box?" "You've stolen it again." "What do you want that for?" "Where is it, darling?" "Oh sweetie." "Help Mummy now, help Mummy." "Do you want a glass of water?" "Oh hang on a moment." "Mum, it's the Betty Ford Clinic." "What do they want?" "They say they are confirming the booking for four weeks from next Monday." "sweetie i think it's the only way." "Don't you, darling?" "I'm going to swallow my pride and do it, if that's alright by you." "You've been very good to me." "Thank you darling." " Well done!" " Thank you, sweetie." "Thanks, Pats" "Yes, yes, yes, yes..." "It'll be alright with a bit of jewellery." "Oh God, this is stupid." "No, no, no, no!" "I've never been this heavy." "There's not enough room on my bones for that sort of weight." "No, no, no, no..." "Those are real gold, they must weigh more than that." "God!" " Oh dear!" " Morning, sweetie." "I'm only going to wear orange from now on." "Religious purposes." "You've been getting dressed for three hours and still look like a bloated citrus fruit." "Sweetie, it's a very healing colour, a very positive colour." "I'm getting rid of all my other clothes." "Is that really the best you could come up with?" "Oh God!" "Well, only this and the dreaded kaftan fitted." "Well, I say fitted." "It was filled to capacity." "I mean, all my clothes have got stretchmarks, darling." "Honestly, you wouldn't believe how much I weigh." " I would." " I know I don't look hugely overweight..." " You do." "... but what I saw in the mirror shocked me." "Barbara Bush with no clothes on." "I don't believe it." " Who did you expect?" " Marisa Berenson, of course." " Who?" " I have only ever seen Marisa Berenson." " Sometimes Cher." " Pre-knife." " Do you want a cup of tea?" " No, black coffee." "I shouldn't drink milk." " Oh God, why am I so fat?" " You're not so fat." "I am!" "Why?" "You eat too much, drink too much and take no exercise." "Darliing, darliing, please." "It's far more likely to be an allergy to something, isn't it?" "You know, build-up of toxins, or something, or a hormone imbalance, isn't it?" "And also, sweetie, I've got a very heavy aura." "Do you know that?" "That's why animals love me, darling." "They just see you as something to hibernate in." " I take it you want a chocolate croissant?" " "Pain au chocolat" we call it in this house, and no thanks, I won't I'll just nibble a corner of yours." "There's only one thing to be done." "It's just the chocolate I have to avoid in those." "I'm alright with the pastry." " Can I speak to Dr Jackson." "It's Edina." " Mum!" "Philip, darling!" "It's Eddy." "Look, can I have a few more of those pills I had last time?" "I want to lose a stone." "Two weeks." "But it must be years since I had them last, isn't it?" "But they were just palpitations, for God's sake!" "Are you telling me I can't have them?" "Why have a private doctor if he won't do what you want?" "Listen!" "Please!" "I want them to kill me!" "Philip?" " He's not going to give them to me!" " Good." "You can't just take lots of speed to lose weight." "You can, darling." "He treats royalty, believe me." "Anyway, who wouldn't suffer a minor coronary for that degree of weight loss." "Mum, all you have to do is eat less and take a bit of exercise." "If it was that easy everyone would be doing it." "Anyway, I don't know what you mean." "I do take exercise!" "You get out of bed, it ends there." "I know, I'll wait 'til Patsy gets here and phone her doctor." "He'I Ido anything." " Otherwise I'll go to the Chinese clinic." " Oh here we go!" "Sweetie, it's not what I eat or how much I eat, it's those things in here." "This fridge is filled with crap." "Just filled with crap." "Look at this!" "I should only be eating organic food, food with the dirt still on it, darling." "Throw out all the food in this fridge." "It's revolting." "I should be eating green and white holistic food, shouldn't I?" "I shouldn't be eating..." "Oh that's still got some in it." "I shouldn't be eating all this, should I, darling?" "Anyway, first I'm going to go on a fast." "It's not the sort of fast you're thinking of." "It's a special fast." "Sort of an "eating a lot" sort of fast?" " Just try and help me." " What can I say?" "Darling, just try to be a little less Western in your thinkiing, if you can." "You realise, of course, that in Zen terms everything in the universe is just molecules, don't you?" "Ying and Yong, Ping and Pong..." "You know that, darling?" "Those are my molecules, those are your little clump of molecules over there." "There's no difference between me and the coffee, the table, a tree or Madonna, for God's sake!" "Except you have a fatter bottom." " Shut up!" " What do you want me to say?" "It doesn't matter to me that you haven't seen your navel in 25 years, or that you can wear your stomach as a kilt." "Just tell me you're happy." "How can I be happy with this bulk hanging off the skeleton?" "I can't" "Alright, do something about it, but do something sensible." "Can you not use that word in this house, please?" "You're not ill, you don't have a disease..." " As faras I know." " You're not menopausal" "No, I'm still very much menstrual, thank you!" "You've been tested for everything under the sun, so you're not allergic." "Wrong, jellyfish!" "There's more ofyour blood in test-tubes than in your veins." "You've tried every fad-drug and fad-diet that's ever existed." "More money's gone into your quest for "Twiggyness"" "than goes in aid to most Third World nations and somehow, Mum, you're still two stone overweight." " One stone!" " Mum!" "Well, for my height." " How tall are you?" " Six foot." " Morning, Eddy." " Just stand there, Pats" "I'm going to lift my shirt." "I want an honest opinion." "Surgery." "Liposuction on the stomach and hips, bum lift, tit lift, lose a rib." "This is Georgy." "Say hello, Georgy." " Hi." " Shall we have some coffee?" "Georgy?" "I don't know..." "I'd better not, I've got to be at the gym in a few minutes, but thanks anyway, ladies." "Girls, Georgy, we're girls." "Goodbye, then." "Don't pump too much iron at that gym of yours, sweetie." "I'll see you later." " What do you think?" " He's nice of a type, Pats" "A toilet-trained gorilla." " Nobody asked you." " You have nothing in common." " You can't have anything to talk about." " She doesn't want someone to talk to." " I've got you to talk to." " Exactly." "No one blinks an eye if an older man goes out with a young girl bimbo, do they?" "What's really sick..." "Listen, Patsy." "What's really sick, is when a non-bimbo girl goes out with a really old man." "Mum, what is this world you live in?" "What does "bimbo" and "non-bimbo" mean?" " The real world, darling." " Rememberwhen I went out with Ferruzi?" "This man was 55 years old, for God's sake." "The only thing that got him up in the night was his bladder." "Did you get it, Ed?" "Did you get it?" "The only thing he got up for was to have a slash." "Remind me not to tell that one again when I'm sober." "Sober?" "Chance would be a fine thing." "Right, Eddy." "So, body crisis?" "Yes." "Are you sure about surgery?" "It's a viable option nowadays." "Everyone's doing it." " My face?" " It's up to you." "Euch!" "I am a little "Germaiine Greer-ish", aren't I?" " I think she's great." " She was once cool, but Mr Gravity's been very unkind to that woman." " So, face?" "Yes." " No!" " Darling, look at those wrinkles." " That's age, that's what happens." "Sweetie, this is premature ageing." " Therefore I can legitimately have it corrected." " You look fine." " I could look better, sweetie." " Time and money is all it takes, Ed." " You have to be scientific about it." " Right." "Have a quick flick through those and find someone you want to look like." "Right." " That'll be Dad." " Oh what's he doing here?" " He's come to see me," " Oh..." "You're right, I do need a bit of inspiration." "I could go out and buy a lot of clothes two sizes too small, but I've done that before." " What, s the recovery time on liposuction?" " Hours." " Hello, there." " Justin!" "Sweetheart!" " I wasn't informed you were coming." " I thought you'd be at work." "I've come to see my daughter." "She's my daughter, too, you know!" "I'll never be able to forget that!" " Oliver's not with you, I hope." " Stop it, Mum!" "Sweetie!" "We are your parents having a civilised conversation." "Butt out!" " How are things with Oliver?" " Very good, actually." " Oh good." "I'm so glad, I'm very pleased!" " Steady, Eddy." "How you could have chosen to live with an evil, vicious, pot-bellied, ugly dwarf is beyond me!" "Your motherand I were happy for a time, you know." "God!" "You turn up here without so much as a present for me." "No, Dad, not this time!" "You sit there in your antiques shop and not so much as a present or a thought for me," " who's here bringing up your daughter." " OK, OK." "In the shop there's this little Indian turban box." "Slver-inlaid top with beautiful handpainted scenes around the sides." " A thousand pounds." " Oh darling!" "Thank you!" "Ah!" "Table, 18th century, walnut, turned legs, lovely in the dining room, darling." "Thank you, Justin." "OK." "Come on, Ed." "The car's here, let's go." "Stop compensating her." "It's been 10 years." " Bye, darling." " Driving in?" "What do you think I should do?" "Fly?" " That's not a bad idea..." " I just find it strange." "I can't understand how someone who's been into everything for the past 20 years, not one trend has passed her by, yet she has conveniently dodged ever having to take any exercise." "That fad was missed by a mile." "Stop showing off to your father like this!" "Can I just explain about that for a second, darling?" "Help me here, Justin." "In the '60s, we were too stoned to jog." " In the '70s, we had platform shoes." " That high." "And in the '80s, darling..." "What happened in the '80s?" "Brain cells destroyed in the '60s." "She can't remember." " The Age of the Punk." " Yes, punk, darling." "We were too busy putting pins through our noses" "But you were too old to be a punk, weren't you?" " Darling, I was a punk." " I know." "Oh!" "Don't let her torture you." "She ruined your figure." "She's the one who turned you into this potato that we see before us." "Now, now, now!" "That's unfair." "I liked you when you were heavier." "You were more... cuddly." " I'm going to throw up." " I mean tough really tough." " Let's go." " We'll go on public transport, Pats" "Are you mad?" "I've got nothing to wear on publictransport," "I won't have my daughter think she's so great because she can use publictransport," "Anybody can use public transport, darling!" "I know." "That's the point." "Come on, Pats I'll go and get that... map thing I always use." "You know, the A to Street Map thing-book." "Come on!" " On account." " I mean, it's public and it's transport," "Ofcourse it is." "You don't have to travel on rat-infested sewer trains" " to be using public transport," " That would be ridiculous." "Do you think I can get a heli pad in here?" " Wide enough?" " You'd have to move the pots." "Bubble, I'm coming into the office." "Move the pots from outside." "Right." "Right, I'm here, I'm here." "Don't panic." "Don't panic." "Is everything under control?" "Yes, everything is perfectly under control" "Good." "I'm sorry I'm so late." "I had to do a spot of clothes shopping along the way." "Now is there anything I should look at?" "Yes, a few of them what-you-call-thems have come through." " What?" " Paper comes out..." " What paper?" " Very important, urgent paper." " What?" "Tell me, tell me." " The paper from the answering machine." " Fax?" " Messages, letters, the lot." "It comes and it comes." "Anyway, them." "I've managed to get a couple of them down." "I copied them onto my pad." "Let's have a look." "We are being saved by English Heritage." "What does that mean?" " Where?" " Here, "saved"." "No, "sued"." "Only four letters out, that's alright." "Why are we being sued?" "On that last fashion shoot someone moved a couple of rocks." "Moved a couple of old rocks?" "My God." "Stonehenge, Pats Anyway..." "So?" "They should be glad for the publicity." "Exactly." "Send that one to my lawyers." "Now... "Penny called from LA"." "Penny who?" "It'll come to me." "It's only urgent-ish." "She's coming over in a week or two." " She wanted to talk about a shop." " Yes..." "She wanted to sell you some things," "My shop." "I'm opening a shop, remember?" " Ah..." " Mm." "I'm opening a shop, Pats" " What are you going to sell?" " Just gorgeous things," " Lovely." " Gorgeous, tasteful, little gorgeous things," " Expensive..." " Obviously... yes." "There'll be present-y Anoushka Hempel-y sorts of things," " Chocolates" " Garden implements, that sort of thing." "I can't find anyone I want to look like." "Oh!" "Oh she's not bad." "Who's that?" "Ivana Trump." " She's good, isn't she?" " Do you think so?" "Looks like a classic bimbo to me." "All that terrible blonde hair on top of her head." "False tan." "She's far too thin." "Always pouting." "Absolutely no character." "The skirt's too short." "It's pathetic with older women struggling to look 25." "Sorry." "I think she's tremendous." " You're very thin, Bubble." " She's emaciated, like her brain!" "I know, it's awful" "I can eat as much as I like and I just don't get fatter." " I cannot put on weight." " How terrible..." "I know." "I wish I was more curvy." "I wish I had breasts like yours." " No, you don't" " Yes, I do." " No, you don't" " I do!" "Great, big, large, pendulous breasts." "I'd like to fill a bra." "No, you wouldn't" "Just stop saying you do." "You don't know what it feels like." "You think that just because you feel better with oranges stuffed down your cups that you know what it feels like." "Well, you don't It's hell" "I don't have to wear a bra." "I just stuff the oranges down my vest." "Listen, you little bookmark." "You know I only employ you because you make me look better, don't you?" "I've remembered what she's called." "Penny Caspar-Morse!" "Penny Caspar is coming and I'm fat!" "Penny's coming and I'm fat." "Who is Penny Caspar?" "Who's that?" "Pat Ast?" "There's the girl who gives the word "hippie" a new meaning." "Move over, Mama Cass!" "Move out of the way, sweetie." "You're blocking my light." "Is it an eclipse?" "No, Edwina's in the room." "We can cancel Woodstock." "They can play on Edwina's behind." "What's she doing?" " What pills did you give her?" " Some tranquilisers Don't question me." "I think she's sleep-jogging." "She did this for three weeks before we got married." "She was anxious about her weight." "She wanted to get married in hot pants." " Did she?" " No, knickerbockers." "Poor old fat old thing." "Look at her, like a beached whale in designer sheets." "It can't have been easy for her growing up in our generation." "The era of "The Shrimp" and "The Twig"." "Penny Caspar was "The Stick"." " What hope did she have?" " What did they call her?" "Eddy was called "The Shredder" because she ate huge amounts of tissues." "Whole toilet rolls." "This is pathetic!" "I mean, she's not even fat." "And I'm Dolly Parton..." "You're right, she's desperately unhappy." "We've got to help her." "I'm going to do something." "I won't let herdown." "I'm going to get her thin so she can face Penny Caspar with some dignity!" "Damn it!" "I mean, she means a lot to all of us." "Well, she's been a damn good friend to me," "We've got to help her." "She's got no willpower, she's helpless." "We/ been through a lot together and I'm going to be there for her." "Wake up, Eddy." "Wake up, damn you!" "It will be alright, you will damn well be thin." "You will damn well be damn thin!" "Oh God!" "Eddy, don't sleep." "We may have to pump her out again." "OK, let's start with those abdominals and see if we can get that stomach flat." " Tomboyish." " Go for it, Eddy." " Let's start with 10." " I'll do them as well, yeah?" "Yeah come on down." "I don't want to see a big movement, just enough to get your head and shoulders off the mat." " Go for it." " OK, here we go." "One..." "And one." "Feel those muscles pull in." "Show me that again." "The..." "OK." "Now, just scrunch up like that." "Just try and get your head and shoulders off the mat." "No." "Your head?" " I can move my eyes." " Well done, sweetie." "Good, that's good." "Yeah it's a muscle." "I feel it here." "Oh oh, oh..." "Sweetie!" " How far did you get?" " I went around..." "You did a circuit?" " Round the living room, dear?" " No, no, no!" "I went across Mead Road, round Elgin Place, around the crescent, across the traffic lights, then back." " The end ofthe road and back?" " Yes, yes, yes!" " Now long have you got left?" " Four days, darling." "You shouldn't eat so much, little piggy." "I am not eating anything!" "I'm living on air and mung beans." " You've got your grandmother's hips." " Thanks to you." "Thanks for all the chips and lard and potatoes and white bread and suet pudding covered in treacle" "I had to eat as a child." "You know, the endless cups of sugary tea..." "Mr Whippy." "Biscuits and chips and meat fried in six inches of animal fat." "Thanks to that!" "Before we had the deep freeze." "God, even then it was the same food, only colder." "And do you know, darling, the real problems started, sweetie, because I wasn't even breast-fed." "Don't be ridiculous, dear." "It wasn't done in those days," "Imagine me having that clamped to my breast." "Mmm..." "I want better for you, darling." "I don't want you ending up like me with all my complicated, but still rather marvellous hang-ups." "I don't want that." " At least you were breast-fed." " Was I?" "By whom?" "You told me that your milk dried up, your tubes blocked and nipples dropped off." "They did, they did!" "So who was I breast-fed by?" "Not one of the many saggy-titted hippies who lived with us at the time, I hope." "Darling, it was a commune." "That was the point." "Anyway, sweetie, they gave you a good start in life, didn't they?" "I mean, you're alright, aren't you?" "Sweetie, you're alright, aren't you?" "Now many?" "Which ones?" "It doesn't matter, they've all died of overdoses since." "Anyway..." "Anyway, sweetie, can I just say that at least you're not fat like me." "What you two don't seem to realise is that inside of me, inside of me, there's a thin person just screaming to get out." "Just the one, dear?" "Pull, pull!" "OK, that's it." "There, that's as far as they'll go." "Push me up." "Push, push..." " Leggings?" " No, slacks." "Oh dear!" "I mean, honestly!" "What am I going to do?" " How comfortable are you?" " On a scale of what?" "Well, childbirth?" "A 12-pound baby, no anaesthetic and forceps." "I could live with it, I could live with it." "What do they look like?" "A zeppelin in a condom, darling." "We'll have to think of something else." " You could get yourjaw wired up." " No, I've done that." "It lasted two hours." "My will to speak was too strong." "We're still alright." "We can go down to the clinic and have lipo as a last resort." "Let's just be sensible about this." " If Penny gets here on Tuesday..." " Tomorrow." " I can lose a few pounds by tuesday." " Tomorrow." " What?" " Tomorrow." "Evening." " Why are you saying that?" " Because it's true..." " She rang." " Oh no, no, no!" "I'm phoning the clinic." "Emergency liposuction, please." "I'll book you in for collagen lips at the same time." "I want you to find out how painful it is." "How small do you want to be?" "This small." "Oh no!" "Oh no!" "Not the kidneys!" "It's out of control!" "I can't stop it!" "Oh God!" "The legs are going!" "Calm down, calm down!" "Lips, madam." "No more, no more!" "No!" "No more, no more, no more!" "Oh my body." "I love you, my body." "Oh God!" "Oh God!" "Pats?" "Well, is she there?" "Who are you?" "Well, what does she look like?" "Well, turn her over and ask her name." "Oh Pats, it is you!" "Listen, Pats" "I can't go through with it." "I can't..." "No." "Oh alright." "Looking good, feeling great." "Looking good, feeling great." "Looks alright, doesn't it, sweetie?" "Covers a bit." "Thin ankles, thin ankles." "Look at those, darling." "Don't just sit over there." "Come on, stand up." "Move around here a bit more when she comes." "Form a wall here, so she can't see where I end and you begin." "Come on." " You look great." " Dad, shut up." " She looks fine." " Keep milling so she doesn't get a clear view." "OK, she's here." "Eddy, great news." " She's fat." " No, no, no." "Better than that." " She's dead!" " No." "She's blind." "Yes!" "Yes, she's blind!" "Come on, darling." "Just round the corner, darling." "That's it." "Last three steps." "Last step." "Oh, retina operation is it, Pen?" "Of course it is." "Darling, sit down." "Have another little drinkie." "Let bygones be bygones." "When I get rid of everyone, we'll have a nice little chat." "You took from me the only man I ever really loved." "You're a spiteful bitch, Penny Caspar!" "Morse." "Penny Caspar-Morse, now." "Now you come back trying to sell your little bits of tat for my shop." "My shop!" "Well, what a comedown!" "I'm the successful one now, aren't I?" "I'm rich and happy and I've got a wonderful family and friends." "I want you to know I'm no longer coping with this." "I don't have to go to a plastic surgeon to keep my body together." "No, no, no." "I've got my fantastic bone structure." "I am thin and gorgeous!" "Thin?" "Ha!" "Come on, wake up!" "Come on, Bubble, try and concentrate!" "I've got important information to tell you." "I am going to be in France for nearly a whole week, and I'm counting on you to cope." "You only have to concentrate on one thing-the refurbishment of Bettina's flat." "The refurbishment of Bettina's flat." "I promised it would be finished this week." "When she said "Third World Chic" I was hoping she would stick to it, but it took me hours to get that fly-blown mud hessian for her kitchen walls." "There's a nomadic tribe in the North African desert that's going to be travelling rather light this winter, thanks to Bettina." "When the wood arrives for the kitchen surfaces remember to stamp it "Greenpeace Approved"." " "Greenpeace Approved"." " If the silk for the cushion doesn't arrive, then fax Calcutta and tell them to weave faster." "What can they be doing?" "Squatting inside the room, making chapattis?" "Poor Bettina." "Bonjour." "Oui, oui.!" "Also, I'll try and phone you from my mobile, but I'm not sure it'll work from France." "I'd understand what you were saying." " Oh, darling..." " You do speak French, don't you?" "Of course I speak French." "Someone has been stealing from me." " Saffy." " Morning, dear." " What are you doing here?" " Keeping Saffron company while you're away." " No, you're not." "Is she, sweetie?" " I don't mind." "Saffy doesn't want you here cramping her style." "She wants a little freedom." "She wants to have parties and have boys around and play loud music." " And have orgies." " Yes, and snogging." "Smash the place up a bit and crash out on the floor." "In a pool of sick." " I don't." " Why not, darling?" "Why not try it just once, sweetie?" "You're not like your mother in that respect, are you, Saffron?" "She spent most of her teenage years sitting on a large bean-bag, cigarette in one hand, joss-stick in the other with a large-lipped youth suctioned onto her face." "Come here, darling." "Come away from that woman." "I want to speak to you." "Nice cup of tea." "Where would one find the tea bags?" "We don't have tea bags." "We happen to have tea." "Come over here, sweetie." "I want to talk to you." "Something has been stolen from my room." " What?" " A certain something precious to me." " Have you seen this pot?" " Where?" "What?" "Oh." "It's a sort of space-age teapot, isn't it, dear?" "A teapot to boldly go where no teapot has been before to seek out new life forms." " I hid your stash." " Where?" " Down the toilet." " Ah!" "What might one use to put the tea in the pot with?" "A teaspoon, a bloody, buggery teaspoon!" "Oh!" "A bloody, buggery teaspoon." "That sounds rather clever." "And what did one fill the kettle from?" "The bloody marvellous tap, I suppose?" "We happen to have a filter here, alright?" "God, you come around here and make endless fuss." "It's my house where I should be able to do what I want." "If only people would let me get on with it." "So, I have been busted by my own daughter, have I?" " What am I supposed to do now?" " What were you planning to do?" "Slide it into the lining of your handbag, or insert it into some orifice for some dog to sniff at?" "I can't believe you were taking it with you." "I don't mind if you have to have the odd joint at home, in your bedroom." "Oh, sweetie, thank you." "How kind, darling!" "It was for personal use." "You're allowed it for personal use." " Yes, but they would send you to prison." " Not someone like me." "Not any more." " Pathetic." " This filtered water boils very fast." " That's because there's less of it." " Ah." "I mean, they are illegal drugs." "You use them like people have after-dinner mints, to round off a meal" "You sniff something to make you speedy or smoke to make you jelly-brained." "Either way, you end up more boring than you can imagine." "That's rich from someone who lives a life that's so boring it would make a battery chicken take up an evening class." "Mum, you are supporting a criminal, corrupt, evil system." " Is she insisting on voting Labour again?" " Oh, shut up!" "You're no different to a junkie on the street, to a dealer." "As long as people like you go on doing it, giving it a hint of respectability, the evil will continue." "Governments will be undermined, countries kept poor, children corrupted, individuals will be killed, intimidated and tortured." "God, you've overdosed on bloody John Craven's Newsround again!" "That'll be Patsy." "Oh, I'll go." "Bonjour, sweetie." " Oh, Patricia!" " Oh, hello." "How nice." "Oh, still no ring on that finger, then." " Still no husband?" " No one special Eddy!" "Well..." "And you were always the one with the boys." "It seems so strange to me that Edwina should have been married twice, and you still a spinster." "Oh, I don't know." " Still blonde?" " Yes." " Still managing to keep that up?" " Yes." "Is Eddy here?" " Yes, she is." "Lovely old Patsy is here, dear." " Come on, Eddy." "No, no." "Patsy, here's Saffy." "Saffy, here's Auntie Patsy." " Bye-bye, Auntie Patsy." " Come on, Eddy." " Bye, Mum." " Goodbye." " Take care." " I will" " Be careful Passport, tickets, condoms..." " Yes, darling." "You!" "Remember to cancel my aromatherapy, psychotherapy, my reflexology, osteopath, homeopath, naturopath, crystal reading, shiatsu, my organic hairdresser and see if I can be rebirthed next Thursday afternoon." "Consider it done." "Du vin rouge.?" " And those two vodkas." " De la vodka." " This..." " Ça c'est du parfum, madame." "Oui." " And two champagnes." " Du champagne.?" " Thank you." "What's in there?" " La poubelle, madame." " Yeah, we'll have two of those." " Vous desirez des cacahouettes.?" " No." " Oi, peanuts!" "Sullen, stingy, bloody French bitch." " Madame..." " Mademoiselle." "I'm going to have a healthy week, Pats." "I'm not eating and not drinking." "Right." "I'm just eating fruit." "Just eating fruit and not drinking." "You can't go to France and not drink." "We're staying in the middle of a vineyard." "The area alone is 15% proof." "Oh well, I'll drink just wine." "Eat just fruit, drink just wine and not smoke." "That's good." "And I'm not having sex." " Are you sure, darling?" " Yes, positive." "Alright, then." "OK." "Are we starting now or when we land?" "I think I can safely start now." "No, let's say when we land." "Wake up, Pats, look at this." "Mm..." "Hang on, let's cope with this corner." "Oh, it's gorgeous." "Look, it's a little town." "This is it, isn't it.?" "Look." "Wake up, Pats.!" "Is this the house.?" "Oh, God.!" "Eddy, we've been down this road before." "That is the same village we are going back into." "What's wrong.?" "Wake up.!" "Am I on the right side of the road?" "I can't go on until I'm sure." "Keep driving, Eddy." "You haven't hit anything yet." "This is here." "I should be on the right-hand side of the road." " Do you want me to drive?" " Oh, so speaks the woman whose head has been lolling like a bladder on a stick the whole way." "Get the maps." "This is Spain." "Read the instructions." ""Leave airport, turn right... " Blah, blah, blah." "Right." "Now get in, Pats." "I shouldn't have gone left, should I?" "I mean..." "Going back to that bloody airport, we'll never find it." "Oh, God.!" "I hate France, I hate it.!" "Oh, God.!" "Eight hours, Pats, it has taken us." "That knocks your idea of wild nightlife in St Tropez on the head, doesn't it.?" "Eight hours, eight bloody hours." "If you hadn't..." "We went in so many bloody circles we might be ten minutes from St Tropez." "I don't think so." "The sky lost that comforting orange glow a long way back." "Oh, it's gorgeous." "After eight hours in that bloody car with you, Patsy, the local pissoir looked rather gorgeous." "But this?" "Oh, shut up, Eddy." "We want something to eat and drink." "Oh, God!" "To eat, Patsy, I can see four pieces of dried-up pasta and half a packet of French toast which defies eating at the best of times." "A cockroach, a cockroach, a dead cockroach!" "Don't kill it!" "I'm a Buddhist, I could come back as one of those." " Oh!" " I think it had a coronary, sweetie." "Oh, God!" "Insects, insects!" "They followed me, those bloody insects." "Insects follow me everywhere, from Tuscany to the Caribbean." "Insects, insects, insects!" "I usually see pictures of glamorous houses in Marrakesh, for God's sake." "You don't see spiders scuttling into the corner." "You never see a picture of Jane Seymour with a centipede dangling from her tiara!" "No, they just follow me, they bloody follow me." "A mosquito has never bitten you, for God's sake!" "The last mosquito that bit me had to book in to the Betty Ford Clinic." "Exactly!" "Oh, God, I hate France!" "I'm having a little trouble finding the BBC, dear." "I flicked through about 15 channels." "You've got it on satellite." "Press that one." "No wonder!" "I kept seeing these Italian housewives taking their bras off." "I thought, "This can't be Challenge Anneka. "" "Can I help myself to a sherry, dear?" "Oh, or shall I have a Japanese beer?" "No." "Straw dogs!" "It's alright." "I've got a lighter." "That's typical, isn't it?" "When you go abroad, all the lights go out at the slightest suggestion of a thunderstorm." "That's typical, isn't it?" "Oh, let's all join Europe so the lights can bloody go out everywhere." "Sieg heil, the Federal State!" "What's the matter with you?" "You need a joint, we both need a joint." "I haven't got any." "Saffy flushed all mine, the lot." "I thought you had something." "I was counting on you." "I've only got some coke and some ecstasy." "Are you mad?" "No one's taking that any more." " Well, I'm going to bed." " Just leave me here, stranded." "Darling, there's only one candle, sweetie." "Careful here, we could come across a corpse." "I'm very sorry about the bloody ozone layer, but this is a matter of human survival here." "Pats, go down to the village." "You know what we need." " I don't know what we need." " Yes, you do, darling!" "You know, milk and bread and cheese and little French things." "Go on." " Why don't you go?" " I'll write it down for you." "Hang on." "Look, come on, sweetie." "Look, we need bread... pan some bakery ... pa-pa-pa... painerie." " Blancmangerie.?" " And a few little vegatables from the grocerie." "A few little things, anyway." "Go on, off you go." " Look, Eddy, you do it." " Oh, no!" "OK, but you have to call Saffy and Bubble and let them know we're here." "I tried." "I don't know the code." " Isn't it the same as from LA?" " It doesn't work!" " Anyway, there isn't a book." " We'll just phone the operateur." " And say what?" " Well, the code for Englaterre." " For Londra, for God's sake!" " I'll do it when you've gone." " Oh." "Have you got some money, darling?" " Yes, I've got lots." "Well, well, well..." " Is that enough?" " That's about 500 pounds..." "I've got cards." "Alright..." "See you later." "Oh, God!" "Qu'est-ce que vous faites ici.?" "et puis, qui vous-êtes, vous.?" "Le château est à 400 mètres." "Vous ne comprenez pas.?" "Qu'est-ce que vous faites ici.?" "J'espère que vous passerez de bonnes vacances." "They must be getting closer now." "If you get through, I'll ask Saffy to come and bring food, shall I?" "We don't want her down here." "Get her to phone up in French, order the food from Paris and have it sent down." "Pst!" "Zero, one, four..." "Qu'est-ce que vous faites ici.?" "Pats, Pats!" "Come here, quickly!" " Qu'est-ce que vous faites ici.?" " Oh, God!" "Le château est à 400 mètres." " Phoosh!" " Err!" "Ab-ab-ab..." "See you!" " Has she rung?" " No, what's the matter?" "It's urgent." "A very angry man called to say that she's to sign this, or the work won't be finished on doings' flat." " Can't it wait?" "It's cutting it really, really fine if I leave it 'til she gets back." "In fact, I think he wants it tomorrow morning." "This sort of thing's never happened to me before." "Well, you've never done anything before." "I know." "I don't know why she wants to do this interior design thing." "There's just so much work!" "She never would be told." "She's always had her own ideas about decorating." "How she could live in that room of hers at home, I don't know." "Since she left, it has had two coats of paint and three different wallpapers, and when the light's right, I can still see Jimi Hendrix's face staring at me." "# Purple haze, all in my brain..." "# Never the same..." "Oh, dear..." "Hello?" "Mum?" "No." "How can you have malnutrition?" "Oh, God!" "It's that old man again." "You go, he likes you." "He likes you, darling." "He fancies you." "You go." "Thank God!" "Wine!" "Eddy, Rosemary's baby has arrived with food!" "Oh, sweetie!" "Food, wine!" "Hurrah!" "Oh, God!" "Hello, darling." " It's not really what I imagined." " Horrible, isn't it?" " I like it." " It's been a nightmare." " Have you eaten?" " No." "Oh, good." "I'll do one of my specials." "I'll throw some tomatoes and olive oil and garlic into a pan." " A sandwich would do." " No, I'll do my special" "Come on, can you hand me a frying pan?" "Saff, give me a little frying pan." " Argh!" " Bonjour." "Anyone fancy a game of table tennis?" "I'm sorry there's nothing to do, darling." "What do you mean?" "There's plenty to do." "You could walk, or paint, or play a game of table tennis." "I suppose that's alright if you're some deprived kid at its first youth club." "Or in prison at Cell Block H." " Bubble?" " Oh, yeah!" "I hope I can remember how to play." "Shh, shh, shh!" "Bubble, have you moved?" "You'll be a bush anyway, I've got my green mixed up." "I've done you, Patsy." "You can go." "It's lovely here." "It's lovely, yes." "How can you not be enjoying it?" "It's so peaceful and relaxing." "Just walking, reading and playing games." " It's fun." " Fun?" "Hm." "I can see it should be fun, I know it should be fun, sweetie." "It's..." "It's like a secret no one's let me in on." "It's your sort of fun." "Mm?" "Yeah." "Yes." "Well, I think I'll go and have a stroll in the village." "I won't come." "Pats!" "You know that chateau at the station that we passed?" "What do you think?" "Darling, don't snort it." "Just drink it, sweetie." "Oh..." "Fabulous." "Fantastique." "Now, which one?" "We've tried this one." "I like this one." "It's this one..." "This is the one, Pats." " This one..." "This is the one, sweetie." " We've tried this one." "This one, have you tried this one?" " What's this?" "What's this?" "We haven't tried this one." "We'll try this one!" " This is the one." " No, this is the one." "That's the one we like." "This is the one we like." "This is the one we didn't want, the empty one." "We didn't want this one, but this is the one..." "This is the one we wanted." "That is the one that... we don't want." "Right, this was one, this was one and this was one." "We haven't tried this one." " This one." "And that box." "We're having the box as well, aren't we?" "Shit!" "Someone's taken the steering-wheel!" "Thanks, Ed." "Right, so..." "Right, if you do the sky, I'll do the grass." "Alright." "Fancy a game of doubles?" "No, I don't play." "I'm only going to play if I can play with Eddy." "In a minute." "It's so stupid!" "They've made the holes the wrong shape for the pieces." "Come on, Patsy!" "At least you're not playing with a liquorice all-sorts..." "She's very good." "I'm in the game as well You could hit it to me sometimes." " Pats, Pats." " Darling, wipe it, wipe it, wipe it." "Look, look." "Let's stop and think about the rules for a second." "I'll keep score." " First service." "Hit it to me!" " To Bubble." "No, to me!" "Oh, well done!" "Lovely!" "Everybody stop it." "You're not allowed to play until I'm ready." "I want you two to keep an eye on the score." "Hand me that ball" "Yes!" "Oh, I'm broke." "Take another mortgage." "Don't give in." " What, on a "get out of jail free" card?" " Well, try." "I thought you were broke." "Where did you get all that money from?" " Don't question me." " Where did you get it?" "I borrowed it from the bank." " You can't do that." "That's cheating!" " Listen, you little stoat." "I own Park Lane." "I can borrow as much bloody money as I like." "Come on." "Honestly, Saffy!" "Try and get into the spirit of the thing, sweetie." "Isn't this the paper you wanted my mother to sign?" "Oh, jeepers creepers!" " Go and give it to her now." "There's still time." " No." " Go on." " You." "Don't be silly." "Go on!" "Get me to that phone!" "Ingleterra, Ingleterra.!" "Jesus!" "Pronto.!" "Qu'est-ce que vous foutez dans cette baraque.?" "He says he's wondering why we've been staying at the cottage." "Enfin, le château est à 400 mètres, le personnel vous attend." "The staff have been expecting us at the chateau half a mile down the road." "J'espère que vous passerez de bonnes vacances, va.!" "Ahh..." "He hopes we had a pleasant stay." "Listen, you little gonk." "If you tell anyone what he said, I'll kill you." "Drive, just drive!" "Get in the car, get in the car!" "Drive, drive!" "Patsy, get in!" "Leave her, leave her." "She's not quick enough." "Come on, sweetie!" "It's absolutely ridiculous stopping me." "Look at the people they're letting through." "Stoned Chinese hippies with backpacks!" "Prescription." "There is someone waiting just out by that barrier there to get this piece of paper to save my reputation and career." "If he finds anything, Pats, you're on your own." " Whose bag is this?" " This is my case." "It's not my sponge bag." " Who packed this case?" " They did." "You'd better come with me." " You don't have to say anything." " I know." "If you had given me this paper sooner, I would have rushed home and I wouldn't be standing here now!" "It's not her fault we're here now." "I don't think anyone quite appreciates the scale of what is happening here!" "It means that of course Bettina's apartment won't get decorated." "It's the end of my career in interior design before it's even begun." "Buildings everywhere might heave a sigh of relief." "I don't know why I don't sack you." "Don't be silly." "Where else are you going to find someone who makes doing nothing into an art form?" "I'm sorry." "I had to say that." "It's alright." "I didn't quite understand what you meant." " Is no one going to speak to me?" " Shh!" "After all, I'll be the one who'll be going to prison." "At least you've got your table tennis practice in." "I must be allowed that telephone call before my freedom is finally snatched away from me." "That won't be necessary." "The powder we found was a perfectly harmless substance." " Oh!" " You're all free to go." " I beg your pardon?" " You're free to go." "Be a bit more careful next time." "Just hang on there." "I demand that you retest it." "Come back!" "I paid a huge amount of money for that stuff." "Don't tell me it was talcum powder." "So you've been diddled." "It's happened to us all" " But it's not the money." " What is it?" "It's the horrible realisation that I must have enjoyed playing ping-pong." "Hello?" "Saffy, it's me." "Listen..." "Darling, I'm in the isolation tank in my bathroom." "Don't leave the house without telling me." "All right?" "I'm going to see if I can last another 15 minutes." "Okay." "A call came through for Patsy, but I couldn't find her." "All right." "Okay." "There's a call come through for you, Pats." "I'd better go, Eddy." "Here we go." "You're gonna have to get used to doing it on your own, darling." "Just keep talking to me." "Keep talking to me." "All right?" "Don't shut the lid." "Oh..." "Good these, aren't they?" "I had this shipped from L.A. No one else here has got one." "Looks like a Robin Reliant." "Yes, we're in the kitchen." "It wouldn't be wise to relate it all to the DNA structure too early." "It's important to keep a demonstration simple, especially for those listening." "Yes, even though we know it's really very complicated and difficult." " Hi." "Sorry I'm so late." " We're just about to have some lunch." " Massive house!" " Not really." "It's just on a lot of floors." " They're all the same in this area." " Oh, well Great area." "My mother bought it before it was nice." "Then everybody else started living here." " Sarah lives just up the road." " Yes." "Where I live it's just a load of workman's cottages and council flats." " Oh, where is that?" " Chelsea." "There's lots of homeless people living down our street, so..." "So, what?" "After college I'm going to work with homeless people." " I thought you'd be an investment banker." " Oh, no, no, that's just what Pop wants." "Watch out, Pats, entering a No Fun Zone." " A coven." " Mmm..." "We're just coming down to get a bit of lunch." "We'll take it back upstairs." "Let's get a little bit of dry bread and a cup of water and scuttle back upstairs." "Hi, I'm Daniel" " Hello, Daniel" " Danny, hello." "Don't let us disturb you, darling." "Can I offer anyone a drink?" "Can I, boys?" "Danny, can I get you something?" " Yes, thanks, I'll have a Bud." " A Bud, yeah." " You?" " Me?" "Ah..." "A Bud, please." "Here we go, Danny." "Sisters Grimm, can I tempt you?" " We don't drink, Mum." " No, I didn't think we drank." " Champers all right for you, Pats?" " Lovely, sweetie." "Here we go." "# Little bit of champ..." "Mum, what are you doing here?" "You're hanging around as if you're on holiday." "I know, darling." "I've got a lot of time on my hands." "Bubble is doing everything." " Bubble?" " It's strange, isn't it?" "Ever since I sent her to that occupational hypnotist she's been... .. well, almost like a PA." "It's extraordinary." "Pats, shall we finish off the Beluga, or have smoked salmon?" " Whatever, sweetie." " All right, we'll finish off the Beluga." "Here we go." "# La, la, la..." "You all right there with just your little biscuits and dry cheese?" "You can have anything you want, Danny." "Whole house at your disposal" " We're fine." "Thank you, Mum." " We'll just be over here nibbling away." "You won't even know we're here, darling." " I'm sorry about that." " It's okay, we understand." "Can we go over how many molecules..." "Oh, shh, Pats." "And how many are we going to reconstruct for the presentation?" " Jane's divorce has come through." " Oh, thank bloody God." "Now they're fighting over the Hello.!" "magazine deal" " What are they offering?" " Darling, peanuts!" "Thirty five grand and she'll throw in the kids as well" "It must be worth more than that." " He's got the dog and the house in L.A." " He's got the pool, sweetie." "Can you keep it down, please?" "Sorry, sweetie." "Sorry, darling." "Do you want to hear some gossip about someone you don't know?" "Tell me on the way to the office." "We'd better go, we're getting looks." "Bye-bye, sweetie." " It's like kissing a spawning sturgeon." " Just 'cos I like having eggs in my mouth." "The only place she's still got them, eh, Danny?" "See you later, sweetie." "Me and my ovaries are leaving." " Sorry about my mother." " Oh, she's great." "...she was crying so much I had to hang up." "I'll phone back later and get the rest of the story." "I'm sure she won't mind that I know." "I'm here, don't panic, everything under control" "I'll just finish signing these." " You want me to sign a few?" " No, that's it now." " Have you had lunch?" " Yes, look..." "We've had lunch." " I'll get some coffee, wine and champagne." " Yes, we'll be needing some of that." "Where's all my stuff?" "Here we go!" "Got it.!" "Look through this month's selection while I prepare your diary." "Diary?" "I haven't got a diary." "What's she talking about?" "What's this?" "I can't sit here flicking through magazines." "I'm not at the bloody hairdressers." "Call Diane back." "She must have stopped blubbing by now." "No, darling, later." "I'm busy, busy." "Shall we have a bitch through Hello.!" "magazine and the Enquirer?" "Come, on, sweetie." "Catherine Oxenberg, Liz Taylor," "Khashoggi, Shahpari Khashoggi, darling." "All that money and she's still got a moustache." "Oh, sweetie, one more face lift on this one and she'll have a beard." "Why do we think Pricilla Presley wears gloves?" " Oh, I don't know." " Liver spots, don't you remember?" "Where's Bubble?" "What's happening here?" "What is it?" "What's happening?" "I'll just go through a few of the things in this week's diary." "Charity:" "Emporio Armani, drinks, lunch, launch, Gucci opening." "Invites for fashion shows:" "Westwood, Hamnett, Jackson, Richmond." "I said yes to all You can do Westwood." "Party, party, party, party..." "Koo Stark is having a retrospective of work she has yet to do." "That'll be drinks and a press call" "Book launches:" "1 Bill Wyman's Coping With Cystitis." "Press call and ribs at Sticky Fingers." "Party, party, party, movie meetings." "2 Paula Yates, her book If I Can't Have A Career Why Should They.?" "There will be a party and she will be expressing milk throughout." "Oh, I'm not going to that." "Linda McCartney, Joan Collins, Emma Freud, Marie Helvin," "Ivana Trump, the launch of her new perfume" "The Smell That lingers longer Than He Does." " Tokyo, Hong Kong, New York, Paris..." " Did Bruce call?" "." "Just for a chat, so I had the chat." "Nothing worth you bothering with." "The rest is all bottom of the league stuff." "Esther Rantzen, Simon Bates, Christopher Tarrant, Amanda de Cadenet." " Your car is here." " Right, gotta dash." "I'm on my mobile if you want me." "I'm sort of surplus to my own life now, aren't I, sweetie?" " Hello." "Hello, Saffron, sweetie." " Hi." "If you come round tomorrow we'll have one more day before the presentation." " The what, darling?" " It doesn't matter, Mum." "Don't let her talk to you like that, Eddy." "Tell her she's adopted." " What?" " Doesn't matter, sweetie." "Excuse me, can I just do something that's really been irritating me." "You can't tell Patsy about arranging balls." "She was always very good at genetics." "I'm not surprised." "She's been a walking sperm bank most of her life." " Oh, well, I must be off." " Oh, no, we'll leave the room, darling." " We're just friends." " Bye." "Bye, Pats." " Can I help you with your molecules?" " No, please don't touch them." "Don't touch them..." " We could be friends, darling." " I've got friends." "You can't mean those little bits of lichen you had sitting round here today." "Good God, when I think of the schools that I sent you to." "The interesting and creative people you could be with if you had stayed at them." "Bedales, for God's sake!" "But you had to send yourself off to your little local grammar." "People don't get more interesting the more money you lay out." "They do, darling." "Fact of life." " Why can't you just rebel, for God's sake?" " I thought I was." "I mean, you and your little gremlin generation here, I mean, honestly." "What are you ever going to leave the world?" "What will your legacy be?" "It won't be anything original, like us." "What did you leave?" "The lava lamp and the bean bag?" "Oh, a very little uptight person talking." "I don't want to loll around naked, painted dayglow, with a flower stuck in every orifice, humping the air to Jefferson Airplane." "It was the Grateful Dead, darling." " How is it at school, darling?" " I'm not at school anymore." "Aren't you?" " No, I'm at the sixth form college." " Oh, the sixth form college." "Is that a different place, darling?" " A different part of the building." " Oh, a different part of the building." " This project you're doing, darling..." " Mum, don't get involved." " I'm your mother, I'm interested." " No, you're not, you're bored." "I want to know!" "It's a DNA project that we present at the open day as part of our term work." "All right?" "Open day?" "Open day, darling, is that what you said, at your sixth school form college?" " Don't start." " What day, darling?" " You're not coming." " I am." " Mum, please don't." " You have to let me, darling." "I don't want you there." "Oh..." "Oh..." "I see." "Oh, forget it." "Forget it." "I just can't quite bloody believe the way you bloody treat me sometimes." "I go out of my way to make life so bloody buggery wonderful, darling." "There isn't anything I wouldn't let you do, darling." "But, oh, no, I'm not allowed to come to bloody poly-wollege open day, am I?" "Hmm?" "Be nice to Mama, sweetie." "Hmm?" "Darling, think what I could do for you, sweetie." "I could get some T-shirts made, for the presentation." "With DLA Project on them, couldn't I, darling?" "Video screens?" " Catering?" "What do you want?" " Nothing." "I'll buy the Pollege a bloody swimming pool!" "You're not coming and that is an end to it." " I am." " You're not." "I want to come!" "I want to come!" "Right, sweetheart, I'm going to my isolation tank now." "I may be some time." "I could sink." "Not with your ballast." "Right." "I'm going upstairs to take some pills and I'm going to kill myself." " Let me know how many." " I will" " So I don't call the ambulance too soon." " Good thinking." "Sweetie..." "If you don't let me come, I'll adopt a Romanian baby." " I would." " Mum, don't be so stupid." "No, I would, darling." "That would be nice, wouldn't it?" "I'll ask Patsy how you'd go about it, shall I?" "Shall I?" " Forcing me to do this now, darling?" " No." "Wonder what they look like, Romanians." "I'll ask Patsy, shall I?" "Oh, Danny, is Patsy there?" "Pats, darling, look, tell me, what do Romanians look like?" "Ivan Lendl Oh, that'll be nice." " Thanks, Pats." " Mum, you wouldn't dare." " They're in desperate need, I hear." " This is a really sick idea." "A little baby..." "That would give me something to do, sweetie." " They wouldn't let you." " I could be like Mia Farrow." "I could have more than one." "I always regretted not getting a Vietnamese one." "But now I could have one in every colour, one in every room." " It would last a day." " What a selfish little person talking now." " I wonder how you do go about it." " You probably have to go to Romania." "Don't be stupid." "I'm sure they could send over a selection." "I'll ask Bubble, shall I?" "Get Bubble on to it, darling?" " Mum, you're not going to do this." " I am." " Well, go on then." "Go on then." " Huh?" "Bubble, if you've got a second, could you adopt me a Romanian baby?" "Oh, you could." "Oh, good." "No, just send over a selection and I'll pick one." "All right, thank you." "Happy?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Be nice, wouldn't it, sweetie?" "Little baby." "# La, la, la, little baby." "Being a mummy again." "I'd like that." "Bubble, Bubble?" "What do you mean, she's not taking calls?" "Don't you dare put me on hold!" "Oh, shit..." "Pats, Pats, emergency!" " Where is she?" " Where is the little tapeworm?" "You can't just walk in like that." "I might have to call security." "You'll be calling yourself an ambulance soon." "Where is she?" " Let me smack her in the gob!" " I'll do that in a minute." "Where is she?" " She went to New York." " Did she leave a number?" "Anything?" "I don't know." "She does everything." "Did she leave a Romanian number?" "A clue?" "Something?" "The Romanian deal went through and the merchandise is on its way." "Get out!" "It can't happen that quickly, can it, Pats?" "I mean, can it?" "I mean, shit." "I don't want any babies." "I didn't really want my own babies." "It was quite a nice idea at the time, but, Jesus..." "They make you think about somebody else the whole bloody time." " Nightmare, sweetie." " I know." "Don't tell them I said that, darling." "I do sort of quite love them now." " Of course you do." " Yeah." "I don't want any more, darling." "I'll send them back." "I'll be able to send them back, sweetie, won't I?" "Sell them on." "Mark them up and sell them on." " Oh, God..." "Bloody office." " Calm down, sweetie." "Come on in." "Throw a couple of these down you and everything will look much rosier, darling." "Oh, my God, there's something horrible on the stairs." " It's me." " I'm not blind." " What are those pills?" " Don't question me." "Darling, they're just hormones, so I can breastfeed the Romanians." " I'm off." "See you tomorrow, darling." " Ten o'clock at Mothercare, Pats." " Mum, you can stop it now." " Stop what, darling?" "You can stop pretending." "I don't believe for a second you'd go through with this adoption just to get at me." "So you can come to the presentation." "I don't mind." "All right, then." " This is where we hug." " Oh, sorry, sweetie." " I mean, Romanian babies..." " I know." "Silly, isn't it?" "On two conditions: never embarrass me beyond what is obviously unavoidable." " And don't get involved in the college." " I don't want to." "Romanian babies..." " Do you want a car or something?" " No." "No?" "All right." " A little self-contained flat somewhere?" " No." "I do love you, darling, you know that." "Despite what anyone like Patsy might say." " Good night." " Good night, sweetie." "Oh, shit!" " Do you know where it is?" " I think it's down here, dear." "Still no word from Bubble." "I'm really rather nervous." "Why?" "No one will look at you." "Something about the smell of schools." "You've probably forgotten the number of times I was summoned by your headmistress for your smoking or rudeness or truancy." "We weren't truant, were we, Pats?" "Believe me, I think I spent more time at your school in that last year than either one of you." "How much further is it?" " Sexy smell, isn't it?" " Pats!" "Takes you back." "Testosterone mixed with cheap perfume." "Biros and folders and your first condom, which you hide in your desk with your Lucky Strikes and your Dr White's." " Fabulous days." " Fabulous days, Eddy." " There's Saffy." " Hello, darling." "Look at Mum." " Where's the show?" " It's not a show, it's a presentation." " I need a drink." "Where's the bar?" " Darling, there isn't a bar." " Is there?" " No." " What's the talk about, dear?" " DNA." "Should that mean anything to me, dear?" "Oh, good, as long as I know." " Saffron, is this your mother?" " No, this is my gran." " This is my mother." " Oh, pleased to meet you." "The headmaster has asked me to round up a few parents to meet him." "We've got time before the presentation, if you'd like to come with me." " Can I bring my friend?" " Yes, of course." "Follow me." "Going to see the headmaster, sweetie." "Headmaster." "I've told him you're here." "He won't keep you a moment." "Thank you, Mr Johnson." " Put that fag out." " Why?" "I don't care." "It's only a college." " What does he want to see us about?" " It's you he wants to see, not me." "Can I help you?" "What are you doing here?" " Just waiting to see Miss Dines." " Take that cigarette out, Patricia Stone." "You disgusting little girl You two make me sick." " Oh, God, I hate him!" " Just stand here quietly, Pats." " Here." "Go on!" " No, I don't smoke..." " What does she want to see us about?" " I don't know." "Don't you dare say anything about me and Tony." "You know who you look like?" "Cathy McGowan." " Do I?" " Really pretty, just like her." " You look like Marianne Faithful" " Do I?" "Come in, now.!" "You dirty, dirty, dirty, disgusting, revolting, devil children!" "They're the ones having it off, not me!" " Patsy!" " Tony?" "Edwina." " Sherry?" " Oh, wow, Tony!" "Hello, sweetie." "We're waiting for Mr Simms to do the introduction speech." "All right, then." "Do you want this?" "Sorry, sweetie." "Right, sorry to be delayed." " Now, what is it you're giving us?" " DNA." "DNA." "Well, take it away." "Upper 6J have been doing a variety of science-based projects this year, not all of them curriculum-based." "This term we've been looking at deoxyribonucleic acid, or DNA." "DNA is composed of two intertwined strands..." "Sorry, may I interrupt?" "There's someone here to see a Mrs Edina Monsoon?" "Sorry, sweetie." "Just carry on, I don't mind." "Two intertwined strands, each consisting of a linear sequence of nucleotides." "Genes are the fundamental units of genetic information that corresponds to the sequence of nucleotides in a segment of DNA." "A typical gene consists of many hundreds of thousands of nucleotides of which only a few are shown here." "Daniel is now going to show how the genetic information on a specific sequence of nucleotides corresponds to the sequence of a portion of the amino acids in the polypeptide chain." "Mum, Mum..." "Miss you too." "Shh..." "This process is known as protein duplication." " Right, that's it." "Get out!" "Just get out!" " I didn't want them." "I cancelled them." "I cancelled them." "I didn't want them." " I hope you'll come to all open days." " I don't want to." " And become an active PTA member." " I don't want to." "I don't want to see the foundation of the general studies room." "Oh, God." "I don't want to see your bloody foundation." "Oh, no." "I'm blind." "I'm blind." "I'm dead." "I'm dead." "Oooh..." "You're just having a little bad dream." "I must have knocked the lid shut." " How long have I been in there, Pats?" " About thirty seconds." "They're quite good then, aren't they?" "If you're the kind of girl who likes lying around in a warm puddle." "Hang on, I've just got to check something." "Bubble, listen, what is your job?" " What's me what?" " What is it you do, darling?" "I don't really know." "Nothing." "Get paid." "Good." "Yes, they're good, aren't they?" "I had to have it imported from L.A." " No one over here's got one." " I heard Fergie had one." "No." "Oh, God, I have to get rid of it now." " Morning, Saffron, sweetie." " Morning." " Danny here yet?" " Danny who?" "I thought that bit was too good to be true." " Mum?" " Sweetie?" "You're not coming to the open day, are you?" "No." "I'll be too busy." "You know me, work, work, work." " So, a bit of shopping this morning?" " Can we go to Yamishi's new shop?" " Have you seen it?" " Gorgeous window." "Great huge swathe of white chiffon and terracotta pots." " What does he sell?" "." " Terracotta pots, white chiffon..." "Maybe both, I don't know." "I have to fit in a high colonic and a body wax before then." "Let's go now and we can discuss Jane Fonda's tits on the way." "Shall we go?" "I hear she can wear them as Micky Mouse ears now." " You want to hear a new joke, darling?" " Oh, yeah." " It's not in very good taste." " No." "The thing is this..." "You know Elizabeth Taylor." "I hear that she is the new ride at Disney World." "Oh, God!" "Oh, sweetie!" " Zero, zero, zero, enter." " Stupid little thing..." "The simplest number possible." "Even a fool could remember it, but I overestimated you again." "What's the point of it if it's just going to make a bloody racket?" " It's supposed to." " I don't care if someone took all the furniture." "I can get it back on the insurance." "I can't get a perforated eardrum back, can I?" "I've got to call the central station and tell them that my mother has the memory span of a fruit fly." "Then I need to speak to you." "Oh, darling!" "Yes, speak to me." "I'm shaking in my boots, darling." " What is it?" " Go back to bed, darling." " Have you just come in?" " Into my own house, would you believe it?" "After rather a gorgeous night out." " What time is it?" " 7:30." "What, in the... 7:30, you say?" " It means nothing to me." " Go back to bed, darling." "Don't stop there, sweetie." "Keep going." "Come on, move your body." "What are you smirking at?" "Do you think this is funny?" "Oh..." "Funny what, darling?" "Funny ha-ha-ha?" "You might have rung and told me what you were doing." "I was too busy doing it, darling." " What's the matter?" "Jealous?" " No, worried." "Worried about me having fun?" "Well, I was having bloody great fun." "Ask her who with." " Who with?" " Jean-Pierre." " That bastard!" "You didn't tell me he was around." "I sort of ran into him by accident, darling." "He's over here directing a video for a hip-rave-rap... band, darling." "I thought we were going out." "Thanks to you I had to spend the evening here alone with Helena Bonham Carter here!" "I'm going back to bed." "There's no point in my being up at this hour." " Helps me to sleep." " Back in your coffin." "Darling!" "Patsy is an insomniac, sweetie." " More like the walking dead..." " Ooohh!" " How long is she here for?" " Don't know." "How long are you here for?" " How long?" " Until her flat has been fumigated." "She can't live in it breathing fumes all day." "I thought sniffing chemicals was what she did best." "I'm surprised she's not there already with a straw stuck up her nose." "She should try it." "It could be the substance that makes her socially acceptable." " Darling, it would kill her!" " Exactly." "A few hormones talking there, haven't we?" " So, Jean-Pierre..." " Yeah, yeah!" " Is he over long?" " It sort of depends on me, darling." "He made it clear last night that he was re-smitten." "You know what I mean?" " Did you...?" " Of course, darling." "I know it's been a long time, but it must be like riding a bicycle." "It's just something you never forget." " I hope..." " Very careful, darling, yes!" "The whole packet!" " Mum!" " Well..." "Once you've brushed off the cobwebs there's no stopping me." " I don't want to know." " You asked the question." "No point getting all umphy about it now, is there?" " Anything else you'd like to know?" " No, thanks." "If you had a few boyfriends you wouldn't be so hung-up about it." "I'm not hung-up!" ""I'm not hung-up!" "I'm not hung-up!"" "I know it's a sensitive issue with someone your age, darling." "A bit embarrassed to talk about it, aren't you?" "Mm?" "My analyst says that I should let you sort it out in your own time, and everything." "But Jesus Christ, darling!" "Not one bloody boyfriend in the whole time I've known you!" "You're not that bloody ugly." "What's the matter with you?" "Huh?" "Have you read that Kama Sutra I gave you?" "No!" "That Dutch cap has only ever seen the light of day." "God!" "Here I am, your mother, poised for your first sexual experience and night after night, dry bloody sheets!" "I'm sorry, darling, but I don't want a little moustached virgin for a daughter, so do something about it!" " Unless of course..." " Mum, don't!" " Mum, please!" " Unless of course..." " Unless of course you're gay!" " Mum!" "Sweetie!" "You can tell me, sweetie." "Are you?" " Yes, I'm gay." " Hurrah!" "Well done, darling, well done!" "I'm glad it makes you so happy, but actually I'm not." " What?" " I'm not gay!" " I'm sorry." " Oh?" "Break it to me like that, why don't you?" "Yes..." "I suppose it's not your fault, really." "Just your old mother clutching at straws." "Trying to find one exotic, interesting feature about you, but there we are." " What time is it?" " 8:00." "Wake me at 9:30." "I'll let the world warm up and have its first fag before I get up." "It's usually smoked 12 packets and got lung cancer by the time you hit the road." "Get a haircut and a boiler suit so I don't have to explain you to my friends." "All night I've had to hear that!" "Any more hacking and you'll bring up oil" " Darling, has anyone called?" " No." " What are you wearing?" " Is it awful, darling?" "I'm seeing Jean-Pierre and thought that this was him." "It is him, darling, but it's not you." " Saff?" " Well, I like it." "I'll change." " Are you seeing him for lunch?" " Yes." "Pont de la Tour." " I thought we were having lunch." " I always have lunch with you." " Can't I come?" " You don't like Jean-Pierre." "Nobody likes Jean-Pierre." "I wouldn't talk to him, I'd talk to you." "Look, I just don't want you to make a horrible mistake again." " What do you mean?" " I'm your best friend." "Let's be honest." "Your taste in men is famously bad." "I've had to save you from two disastrous marriages and some ghastly, pathetic affairs you might have had." " What a great friend you are!" " Don't make me have lunch on my own." " You can get someone to have lunch with." " Of course I could always get someone!" "It's just that I haven't got someone." "Go on..." " Alright, you can come." " Thanks, Eddy." " Are you going to the office?" " I have to sort out a few things about the shop." "It's going very well, by the way." "I've got gorgeous things coming in from Kashmir, Afghanistan, Albania..." "I've got blankets and rugs from Ethiopia." "Dirt cheap, honestly." "We'll sell lip plates from dead Amazonian Indians as ashtrays." "Don't look at me like that." "We do take the lip off!" "Honestly, sweetie..." "We've got some lovely cooking pots from Somalia." "They don't need them." "They've got no food to put in them." " And also, the best news of all time!" " Yes?" " You know the villages deserted by the Kurds?" " Yes." " I bought the entire contents." " Well done!" "I know, the trucks are moving in." "Coups, revolutions and disasters are all bargain basements to you!" "Oh, darling!" "They're happy camping." " What are you doing today, Pats?" " I hope she's not staying here." "Will you shut up?" "Will you just shut up?" "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to my friend." "Is that alright?" "God, it's like living with a chronically-depressed budgerigar." "Shut up!" " Pats?" " I'm going in to my office." " Your..." "... office." "The magazine?" "Is that still there?" "Of course it is." "There's a little meeting so I've got to go." "About 10 minutes." " What do you do?" " Darling!" "Patsy is a top fashion editor in a top magazine." "Director." "Executive Fashion Director." " But she's never at work." " I am always at work." "Thanks to our friend, Mr Mobile Phone." "Patsy's got that job for life." "You don't mean that she's good at something?" "No, darling." "She slept with the publisher." " I'm bloody good at it." "Bloody good." " So what does a fashion director do?" " Oh, darling!" "She gets a 50% discount at Harvey Nichols." " It's not only that." "There is skill involved." " Of course there is." "I decide what goes in the magazine." "I snap my finger and raise hemlines so high that the world is your gynaecologist." "Exactly." " You get lots of free champagne." "Yes." " I direct..." "The fashion." "Yeah." "You get lots of little free goodies, little things." " You've never had to pay for anything!" " I paid for you, darling." "A hundred times over!" "I'm going to go and change and then we'll go." " Can I still come to lunch?" " Yes." "To help you get to the car." "I'm sure this is it." "They must have washed the outside." "That's why I didn't recognise it." "I'll come with you, Patsy." "We'll be about five minutes." "And then on to San Lorenzo." "Are you sure this is the one, Pats?" " Don't question me." " No bells ringing..." "Now, floor." "Do you remember what floor?" "We'll just go to the reception and ask for a map and a list." "Can you do that?" "Yes, I recognise this." ""Fifth floor." "Editor, Deputy Editor, Beauty Editor, Chief Sub-editor," ""Food and Drink Editor, Managing Editor, Friend of Editor," ""Deputy Chief Sub-editor, Senior Sub-editor, Social Editor..." "Excuse me." ""Special Projects Editor"." "Now..." " Are you looking at the list of editors?" " Yes." "I'm not an editor, I'm a director." "I'm the Fashion Director." "It's not even on this floor, Pats!" "Here we are. "Art Director, Style Director, Circulation Director, Managing Director," ""Ad Director, Promotions Director... "" " This is it." " As you left it, by the look of things." "Nobody gets flowers from that florist any more." "Bloody cheek!" " Look!" "Darling, Armani!" " Only "Emporio"." "I can just felt-pen that out." "No one will know." " Is my Chanel still in there?" "This one?" "Yes, my little baby." "I'll wear it if there's a meeting." "It frightens the editors I'm the only one with Chanel couture." "Let them kiss my buttons." " Patsy Stone." " Hi, Mags." " You know Eddy." " Hi." " Are you coming to the meeting?" " If I must." "We need to drum up more advertising revenue." "We've lost Swiss watches, Lanson, Nivea, two lingeries, one shower gel," " and all my tampons have dropped out." " Oh, dear." "If it wasn't for an Estée Lauder and a Rive Gauche we'd be looking thin this month." " Is the meeting going to be long?" " Five minutes." "I've got to do three lunches and a tights launch by two." "And all this with my working breakfast with Marie Helvin floating about here." " I'll see you in two minutes." " Right." "Best editor this side of American Vogue." "Chuck me Chanel, Eds." "Yes, I went." "Cheap wine and crap canapés." "If I don't get my discount card bloody quick she'll find herself plunged into obscurity designing for British Home Stores." " Where's Magda?" " On the phone to Fergie." "Just give her the bloody hat." "If she calls again I'm out." "Right, I've got one minute." "Features." "Catriona?" " Well..." " Do something on a car." " What?" " Do something on a car." "I need a new car." " A nice one, no rubbish." " Right." " And something about how lovely champagne is." " We could tie that in with some glasses." "A friend of mine has got a shop with lovely glasses." " Henrietta?" " Yes." "Maybe we could do some lovely photos." "What about people?" "Who's in, who's out, who's sexy, who's not sexy, who's clever, who's not clever." " Who's in, who's out." " Here's my list." "Cross her out, she screwed me." "Put him in, he screwed me." "Do something on River Phoenix." "I really fancy him." " Right." " River Phoenix, Mickey Rourke, Liam Neeson." "Don't do anything on anyone called Freud." "I don't like them." " Bunch of no-talents with an ancestor." " But they were in last month." "So?" "I'm not running a bloody charity." "I don't have to lick their boots because some grandad invented penis envy." "It's just that they're pretty good friends of mine." " It doesn't matter, but..." " Beauty." "Make it quick." "She's fabulous." " Puts you into perspective." "Clarins, Shisheido, Paloma Picasso, Chanel Make-up, generally..." "Faces-eyes, lips, nostrils..." "This is all off the top of my head." "Douching with mint is a thought." "Ten tips on tropical toenails." "I'm thinking natural zing." ""Moist" is my "word de jour"." "Lovely wet moist droplets." "Lusciousness." "I see sun, sand, water, beach..." "Photo shoot-wise I'm looking at two weeks in the Caribbean." "Skin is in." "And the usual-try to look more beautiful if you want more sex." "Very good." "Chuck us that wrinkle cream, will you?" "Get Hamish in here." "I want to find out about the restaurant I'm having lunch in." " Pats?" " It's only big names this month." "Laurent, Armani, Lagerfeld, Oscar de la Renta." "No British tat." " In Moscow." "Glamour in the Red Square." " I'm not using Russians." " They're all too bloody ugly." "And fat." "400 years of potato diet won't squeeze into a Gautier cup." "If I looked like that I wouldn't go out." " Magda?" " Hamish." "Tell me about the restaurant I'm having lunch at." "Comfortable in the grand manner." "Stuffed with plutocratic goodies and a decent duck." "The dining room is boudoiresque, fin-de-siècle eclectic, and still fashionably uncomfortable." "A melange, possibly a post-Orwellian version of an Edwardian eatery." "The food?" "Ecumenical in flavour, a cosmopolitan adventure full of exuberant eclecticism, full of amuse-gueule and gastro-credibility." "No flash in the bain-marie this." "A comforting air." "Generally, the tomatoes were rather pulpeuse." "Ta." "It's bollocks, but it uses up paper and that's what the magazine is all about." "One more thing." "Patsy, the television people have been on to us." "They want us to do a make-over on their morning programme." "Their regular has dropped out." "It's good for the magazine, so I said that you'd do it." " Are you mad?" " My secretary has the details." "Some miseries in shell suits are waiting downstairs for you to perform a miracle on them." " Help me, Eddy." " Darling, you'll be alright." " What do I do?" " Take them for a haircut, put them in a designer dress and parade them on TV." "Public humiliation, darling." "Nothing you can't handle." " Television?" "I go on television?" " Yes." "Television?" "I always thought I'd be good at that." " See you later, darling." " Yes." " Are you going to be in later?" " Probably." "Are you alright?" "Yes, yes." "Piece of cake, sweetie." "Television, eh?" "Oh. "Hello." "Hello, I'm Patsy Stone. "" "Eddy.!" "Jesus Christ!" "She's not in." " So, how did the make-over go?" " How did you know about that?" "Mum phoned." "She's out on her own with Jean-Pierre, having a great time without you." "Have you managed to turn some normal people into fashion freaks this afternoon?" "Bitches!" "They had no taste." "We disagreed and the whole thing's off." " Oh..." " It was hideous." " What, the outfit?" " No, the fight." "Her mother and I came to blows over a geometric bob." "I told her the only thing she looked good in was a body bag." "The daughter rebelled in Yamahoto's shop." "She's in hospital having a bit of modern furniture removed." "Miserable little slut!" "No thought for me and my reputation or the fact that I've got to be on TV tomorrow." "Two fantastic outfits and no one to wear them." "Selfish peasants!" "Oh, I'm weeping!" " Don't bother." "Can I come in.?" "I know what you want and the answer is no." " How can you know what I want?" " Well, maybe I'm wrong." "I thought you had come up here to persuade me to be a fashion victim for you." "Perhaps you've come for a chat." "A nice, cosy, personal chat with me." " Don't shut that door." " Don't you like my room?" "It's what I expected." "A little patterned cell Curtains..." "Would you mind dragging your old carcass out of here?" "Look, I'm sorry." "I know I pretend to hate you and you pretend to hate me and..." " I do hate you." " Why?" "Because you're a despicable person who's resented me since I was born." "Before!" " So why should I ever do a favour for you?" " I'll pay you." " No." " I'm your mother's best friend." " Best friend?" "What kind of a friend are you?" " What kind of a daughter are you?" " At least she's got fun with me." " I care about her." "Care about her?" "You may dress like a Christian, but the similarity ends there." "I think you do it on purpose." "How long does it take to get the crease so crisp on your jeans, you torturer?" "Get out!" "For you..." " I picked those." " They're lovely." " Look, I understand." " You don't understand anything." "Get out!" "At least your mother wanted you." "If this is one of your terrible sob stories, make it quick." "I can hardly hold back the tears." "Go on, tell me about your tragic childhood, about your parents we never hear from, who you've probably had committed to a home so they don't discover how old you are." "They're dead." "Smirk your way out of that one, babe." "I'm sorry." "Yes, well..." "I never knew my father." "My mother only knew him fairly briefly." "She had me when she was in her forties." "I nursed her through her last years." "It put a stopper on me finding someone for myself and settling down, but there you are." "Anyway, it wasn't her fault." "She didn't want a child." "She would've got rid of me, but she mistook being pregnant for the menopause." "When she found out it was too late." "Patsy, that's awful" "It was having Eddy and your grandmother that made it OK." "It gave me somewhere to go." "My mother didn't like having me around the house." "She said I cramped her style, made her feel old." "I am Aphrodite." "I live, I breathe." "I am Diana." "I am Queen Dido." "Oh, what a light dances over the world!" "Get out of my way, child." "Don't stand in my path when I am trying to express!" "What are you doing here?" "They cut the cord when you were born, when my body expelled you." "Accept your liberty, my little void, and let this spirit be free!" "Anyway, I've got Humphrey and Andre coming over." "I'd rather not have you around." "If you're planning to go out, don't forget the key." "I'm hoping for a little imaginative synthesis tonight, and could frankly do without the competition." "Beat it!" " Is your mother not feeding you, dear?" "You know what she's like." "She's not burning her bra again, is she?" "We can't have you turn into a great, gangly whatsit." "Skinny, "balinky" long legs, big banana feet." "And a roly-poly pudding that nobody wants to meet." "Thanks, Mrs M." "Look at you." "All grief and resentful care." "Here I am in this place of old age and pallid diseases, looked after by so-called nurses." "Just gropers of old bones." "You come here and hang breathless around me, hoping for me to die." "Denied even my intellectual liberty." "Allowed only two Barbara Cartlands a day." "Forced to sit on my female eunuch to keep their dirty hands off it." "The tyranny of children." "Oh, for God's sake, just die!" "She died soon after that." "The last thing she said to me was, "Why?"" ""Why have our swords always been locked in battle?" ""Why have we always been fighting?"" "And what did you say?" "I said we had locked shields, not swords." " Patsy, that's very sad." " I know!" " Look." " Yes?" " I..." "Yes?" " I'll make a deal with you." " OK." "I'll do your make-over thing on two conditions." "Name them." "You move out of this house into a hotel and you allow Mum to have a boyfriend." "Done." "And call your grandmother." "I need an old woman, too." " What are you up for?" " I'm coming, darling, aren't I?" " Aren't you with Jean-Pierre today?" " No, he's shooting his video today." " Aren't you needed in the shop?" " I'll be there later." "I'm coming, OK?" "Wake up, Pats!" "Come on, darling!" "Sweetie." " What time is it?" "Six o'clock in the morning." "Don't even think about it, babe." " What time did you get to sleep?" " I nodded off at about three a. m." "I tried at midnight, took some pills at one." "Couldn't do it." "It's so long since I actually remember going to sleep instead of passing out." " How did we do it?" "I don't know." "How did you get on with Saff and the old woman?" "Your mother wears anything I'll tell her to, but that bitch daughter of yours!" "She just won't wear the dress I want her to." "This might sound rather odd, but have you tried saying "please"?" " What?" " Sometimes it works with Saffy." " I can't." " Try." "It's over quite quickly, darling." "No, I mean I can't say it." " Don't make me say it." "It's difficult for me." " Just say "please" and smile." "I can't smile like that." "I can't afford the wrinkles." " You do it, Ed." "No, sweetie..." "Saffy, darling." "Pats has got something she wants to ask you, darling." "Do it now." "Go on!" "Smile!" " Come on. "Please"." " Please." "Yeah, will you wear the dress?" "OK." "Come on, we're going to be late." "Come on, you two." "We're due in Make-up at seven." " I wonder if Auntie Clare Rayner will be on." " No, I'm on." "Yes, I know, but she may be on, too." "I do hope so." "I'm always writing to Clare." "What for?" "There's nothing the matter with you." "Well, I did think once that I had that disease." "You know the one that makes you forget everything." " Alzheimer's." " The one you get when you're old." " Alzheimer's." " What's it called?" " Alzheimer's!" " I can't remember." "Come on, we'll be late!" "It seems strange that the make-over should be on us." "Come on, darling." "Come on, sweetie!" "There's another one here..." " You're alright?" "You're not nervous?" " No." " Have you got a catch-phrase to sum up with?" " What?" "Think about it." "A little catch-phrase." "Sum up with something, say something." "Yeah, I could do it in my sleep." " We'll talk to the Sports Personality of the Year..." "Contradiction in terms but now it's on to my favourite spot which is the fashion spot." "We're lucky enough to be joined by a top fashion editor spot person from Ella magazine:" "Patsy Stone." "Patsy, hello." "Yes, cheers." "Thanks a lot." "Am I right in thinking that you've changed the fashion spot into a sort of make-over spot this week?" "How did you get on?" "Yes, really... well W-well" "I see..." "Am I right in thinking that you took two ordinary members of the public and made their dreams come true?" "Y- yes, that's right." "I see." "Could we perhaps take a look at a photo of our two "make-over spotters"?" "No, no, that's a photograph of my new son." "Isn't he sweet?" "Have we got a photo?" "Yes, we have." "I'd say there's an awful lot of work to be done there, wouldn't you?" "Yes, cheers, thanks a lot." "Right..." "Perhaps now we're going to bring in our make-over spotters and see what they look like now." "There's something wonderful!" "A lovely outfit, there." "Sort of a mixture between a colander and a chain-mail outfit, isn't it?" "And here comes a lady in the more mature years." "Not afraid to wear black in the evening of her life, I notice." "Do sit down." "Marvellous!" " Is Clare going to be on?" " No, we lost her with the franchise." "Gone." "They're not exactly workaday outfits, are they, Patsy?" "You'd feel a bit of a fool going to the supermarket wearing one of those!" "Yes, cheers, thanks a lot." "Why don't we ask our guinea-pigs exactly how they feel about the particular outfits they're wearing?" "How do you feel about them, dear?" "I'm more of an M  S person myself." "You know?" "So am I. You can't fail, can you?" "Anyway, moving on..." "Thank you very much for coming along, everybody." "Patsy." "Marvellous work, if not a bit way-out for me!" " Can I just say something?" " Yes." "Er..." "You can never have enough hats, gloves and shoes." "Right..." "Thank you very much, Patsy!" "Invaluable advice there from our top professional fashion expert." " Thanks a lot." " Now..." "Later on, we'll be taking an in-depth look at acute schizophrenia from 9:20 to 9:23." "And afterwards, what else but euthanasia?" "We'll talk to some people who pulled the plug on their elderly mothers, so you'd better watch out, dear!" "Anyway, now over to Ulrika for the weather." "No, sit, sit!" "Roll it." "Never have I been so embarrassed in all my life, and that is saying something after living with my mother for 18 years." " I thought it went very well, dear." " Did you?" "Eddy?" "Sweetie, you were marvellous." "Darling, you were." "Don't humour her!" "She stank!" "Listen, they offered me a job!" "It's only doing the weather." "Mum, have you spoken to Jean-Pierre?" "He left a message on the machine." "Sweetie, I don't think I'll be seeing Jean-Pierre any more." "Pats and I talked about it last night, and she's right." "With his job and my shop and everything, it's not really practical, darling." "Get out of this house!" "You can at least keep one half of the deal" "Listen, sucker!" "You went on television, I'm not going anywhere." " Have you no honour?" " She lost that at 14, dear." "I knew the boy." "Right!" "Oh, darling!" "Success at last, a teenage temper tantrum." "How did you persuade her to do it?" "I fed her some story about my mother not loving me and her being a tyrant, me looking after her in old age, blah, blah, blah..." "That's true, isn't it, darling?" "Oh, damn!" "You can never have enough hats, gloves and shoes." " What are you doing tonight, Pats?" " Seeing the publisher, just to be sure." "Darling, even Amanda de Cadenet would remember the word "accessories"." "Morning." "Hello death hello oblivion." " What time is it, darling?" " Ten." " Oh God, I'd better be off." " It's Sunday." " It's true, then?" " Happy..." "Oh God." " Happy birthday!" " Oh darling." "Oh God, how old am I?" "No, don't tell me, darling." " I'm..." "I'm..." " You're forty." "Oh God, but I don't feel forty." " Well, you don't look..." " Oh thank you." "Come on, now." "It's not the end of the world." "It's just a day." "Like any other day..." "It's like I hit an oil patch at thirty-five and now I'm just skidding towards the grave." "Do I look any different, darling?" "Look at my face." "Who do you see there?" " You can lie." "I just want a response here." " Get Patsy to do that." "She's much better at it" "You look like a forty-year old woman who has just woken up." "I haven't even been asleep I couldn't sleep." "I could feel the fortiness coming upon me in the night, darling." "Have a look out of the window." "Are the buzzards circling?" "Do you want my present and those cards now or later?" " They might cheer you up." " Oh what?" " Oh never mind." " You have to speak up, darling." "Messages take longer to reach old brains." "I've got old ears now." "Listen to me." "Old ears or not, try and concentrate." "It's your birthday and you can make this hell for yourself and everybody else, sulk and feel sorry for yourself, or get up, cheer up and enjoy the day..." "I've made up my mind, sweetie." "If my mother hadn't uncrossed her legs I could be two weeks younger." " It feels like the end of my life!" " It isn't the end of your life." "It may only be halfway through your life, not a prospect I find all that thrilling." " Find something to look forward to." " You'd know a lot about it." "How often have you ever been forty?" "Never, darling, never!" "This is something that is happening to me." "I have to deal with it." "I'm sorry if that sounds selfish, but it's me, me, me." "It's my bloody 40th bloody birthday." "Oh God, I need some space." "Jesus..." "I hope you're not organising a party or anything, are you?" "Any sort of special treat or anything for me?" " A little treat or something gorgeous." " Not if you don't want it." " Oh what?" "What, then?" " It was going to be a surprise." "No, no, darling, I will not have a surprise." "I will not have a surprise party." "If it's going to be a surprise, I want to know about it, so I can decide if I want to come and what I'm going to wear." "You can't expect me to go to any old bloody party, darling." "Well, I don't want a party." "I don't want a party." "I don't want a special big huge party with all my friends, darling." "Some celebrities and little Japanese fingerfood, and a great band and tequila slammers all round at midnight." " Oh well, I'll cancel that then." " No, I would like that, sweetie." "I would." "Well, what then?" "What have you organised?" "What?" "Look, I didn't know what you'd want, so I've invited a few people round for family lunch." "What are you calling family, darling?" "We're hardly the bloody Waltons, are we?" " Not just you and my mother, I hope. is it?" " Will you stop behaving like this, please." "Darling, this is how i behave." "I'm allowed to behave however i want on my birthday." "House rule, remember?" "Especially to someone who didn't even think I might like a champagne breakfast." "Not even a bloody cup of tea on my birthday, that would be asking too much." "Here." "Don't bother opening it." "Throw it straight in the bin, where you'll put it anyway." "Oh alright." "I want a list of who you've invited and I'm not saying I'll be there." "Lacroix!" "Christian Lacroix!" "Oh oh, oh..." "Oh sweetie, sweetie..." "Ooooh, sweetie, darling..." "Darling, they're gorgeous." "Where did you get them?" " Was it Harvey Nichols?" " Yes." " I can get a discount there, sweetie." " I'm glad you like them." "Hardly the ill-judged tat you normally give me." "I mean Lacroix, darling..." "They are Lacroix, aren't they?" "They're not just something you put in the box?" " Do you like them or not?" " I like them if they're Lacroix." " Well, they are." " Oh good." "I like them." "Is Patsy here?" " Who got that champagine out?" " I did, for you." "Well, pour me a glass, don't let it sit there getting warm, sweetie." "And don't pop it, sweetie." "Squeeze, squeeze it out, darling." "Oh sweetie, oh, darling, can you help me?" "I'm having a hot flush." "Darling, quickly, feel my skin." "Feel it." "You're standing too close to the kettle." " I thought I was drying up there for a minute." " I wish you would." "Do you think we oughtto get some hormone replacement packs for emergencies?" "One day." "You could find me a little toothless old wad of gum on the floor." "You'll have to slap some glands on me quick." "I'll get some." " Oh God." "Who have you invited then?" " So you're coming then?" "I didn't say I was coming, I just said who have you invited." "You're forcing me to ask." "Well, there's you, me, Grandma." " Grandad has to look after the house." " I thought he was dead." " There's Justin, Oliver and Marshall." " Oh God." "Overdosing on the ex-husbands, aren't we, sweetie?" "I didn't know Marshall was over here from L.A." " Is my son with him." "Is Serge with him." " No." " Well, where is he?" " Taking lava from a volcano in Hawaii." " Did you invite him." " I couldn't get hold of him." "And, yes, I faxed the volcano." "Honestly, so that's it then, is it?" "That's the party list, is it?" "You, an old woman, two bastard ex-husbands." " One with a poisonous odious boyfriend." " And Patsy." " And you." " I haven't confirmed." " What are you doing here?" " Making lunch." "Making lunch?" " Cooking?" " Yes." " Cooking on our cooker, darling?" " Eventually." "Why don't you go upstairs and have a bath and let me get on with it, please." " Don't you need some help, or something?" " please, don't offer." "You've only ever used this cooker to light your fags off of." "Darling, that is simply not..." "That is true..." "It'll make a change to eat some normal food." "I like exotic food." "You are what you eat, remember." "Which makes you a large vegetarian tart." "Now, go and have a bath." "Have you got someone to serve?" "Oh darling, you have got someone to serve, haven't you, sweetie?" "Oh God, get a couple of Philippinos in." "Don't look at me like that, sweetie." "They do get paid, you know." "They're glad of it." "You can be a socialist and have staff, but no." "No, darling, we'll clear up our own plates on my birthday, shall we?" "Happy to work on my bloody birthday." "Oh yes, this bloody birthday I'm having." "Well, not much of a bloody birthday so far, is it?" "God, you'd think being forty you could expect a bit more." "An old pair of earrings, some miserable old family and friends coming round." "And my son, my one pride and joy, wasn't even bloody invited." "And we'll be forced to eat your cooked food and clear up our own bloody plates..." "Did you just hit me then, darling?" "That's illegal, isn't it?" "You're not allowed to hit your parents, are you, darling?" "Ow, sweetie!" "Ow!" "Get upstairs and don't come down unless you can behave." "I'm fed up with it, Mum." " Sorry, darling." " Not now." " I don't want to go back upstairs." " Go!" "I like my earrings, darling." " I'll go and have a bath in them." "Shall i?" " Thank you." "What my lovely daughter gave me..." "Lovely, lovely earrings..." "Ah, they're numb!" "40th bloody birthday." "Happy 40th bloody happy bloody 40th birthday." " How is it going?" " Oh fine." "I've sent Mum up for a bath." " Why don't you pop up and see her?" " Oh no." " Anything I can do?" " No." " Anything to cut up or peel?" " No, all under control" " Cook?" " No." " Would you like me to wash anything up?" " All done." "Nothing I can do to help?" " I need that bowl." " Oh." "There we are." "Not completely useless, you see." " Hello." " Hello, Marshall." "Come in." " Hi, I'm Bo." "Sweetie, shall we go in?" " Oh ya." " You must be Saffron." " Yes, Saffron." "Where's your mother?" " She's upstairs." "She may be down later." " Maybe I should pop up and say hi." "Give her a hello hug, tell her I support her and I'm open to her feelings," " Clear the vibes before the others get here." " No." "Oh I see stairs." "Give me your hand." "Don't you want to go to the sitting room?" "No, I like the kitchen." "It's the hearth, the warm centre of family life." " We like it here, don't we, Marshall?" " Yeah." " How is your mother?" " She's fine." "The same." "A bit wider." " Right." "And how are you?" " Oh you know." "The same." "This is your water, Marshall." "I see four cubes of ice in it." "Is that OK?" " Shall i put it here for you?" " Yeah." "Is that a lemon in it?" " Is this a lemon in Marshall's water?" " Not a whole one." " I think it is, dear." " Will you take it out for me?" "Excuse me." "Hi." "Could I get a cloth or a dish or a napkin to put this in?" " I'll take out a couple of ice-cubes too." " Ya, that would be nice." "I'm gonna take out a couple of cubes of ice." "This water is really gassy by the way." "Are you sure you can cope with just pure water, Marshall?" "Why don't you have a drink?" "Excuse me." "It's a party." "Go on." "No, Gran." "Go on." "Just have a little drink." "That's it." "Go on." "One little drink won't kill you." "You used to like a drink." "Just a little one." "Go on." " Just a little teeny sip of a little drink?" " Bo!" "Marshall has had a drug and alcohol addiction problem." "Oh don't feel embarrassed, we talk about it really freely." "He used to shoot up." "Oh dear." "You sure?" "I see olives." "Those are green olives and those are black olives." "Shall i pip one for you, honey?" " You stay and talk to them." " Oh no." " Go back and talk to them." "Please." " I'd rather kiss a baboon's bottom." " Hello, sweetheart." " Hello, Dad." "Thank you." " Oliver's here." " Good." "I invited you both." "I want you to know that we think it's a very, very brave thing that you're doing." "Whatever happens, sweetie, it's the thought that counts." " It's the thought that stinks." " What does an old woman know?" "Not that old can't be beautiful and not knowing something isn't positive..." "Something smells yummy." "What time are we aiming for eating?" "I was aiming for eating 2 o'clock-ish." "I haven't got an exact schedule." "Marshall may have to eat sooner." "He's hypoglycaemic." "He gets low energy and constipation if I don't mash it up." " Have a crisp." " All right." "There you go." "Happy brthday, Ed." "Looking great." " Did you see?" " Everybody's here." " Who's here?" " I'm not going down there, darling." "But I want you to go down and get me a drink." "Bring up a bottle." "And talk about me a little when you're down there, would you?" " Champagne, sweetie?" " Yes, Bolli." "They'll be on Moet." "I want you to look round my house again, Justin." "I'm sure I've got something that could go on the Antiques Roadshow." "Pay no attention, don't even look at her." "She was always doing that as a child." " Rescue remedy!" "Rescue remedy!" " Oh get off, get off, get off." "I didn't realise the party could have dregs before it had even begun." "Thanks, Pats" "Everyone else carry on enjoying yourselves at my expense." "I'm not staying." " Are you alright?" " Oh you can see me, I do exist." "Too late, darling." "Come on, Pats" "God, how can there be so much pain in this leg and not one single mark, Pats?" " Hack with a razor if you want sympathy." " Yeah I think I should." "Mum, can I come in?" "So long as you haven't come to hit me again, darling." " Are you OK?" " Ahh..." " Internal injuries mainly, you know." " Where's Patsy?" " She's on the loo." " Are you coming down?" "What?" " We're not talking to you, Pats" " Are you coming down?" " Oh yes, me." "I have to do everything." "I have to get up, I have to get changed I have to come down the bloody stairs." "It hasn't occurred to anybody to come up and see me." "I've been up here for hours on my own, being forty." "On my own, darling." "I could be eighty, dribbling in my incontinence pants before anyone came to see me." "Can I borrow some tights and knickers?" "I didn't get home last night." "Second drawer down over there, Pats" " please, we're about to eat." " That's hardly the high point, is it?" "Hardly a tempting smorgasbord awaiting me downstairs, is there, darling?" " Did you invite Oliver to spite me?" " He's Dad's boyfriend, he should be here." "It's my birthday!" "Why do you hate him." "What's the real reason?" "It's not because he's gay." "I came to terms with that before they did." "All my friends are gay." "Well then, why?" "How long is it taking you to find a pair of knickers?" "Have you got any G-strings, or are they all jumbo?" "Darling, there should be a G-string in there somewhere." "Not that I've worn them since I tried something on at Harvey Nichols and thought I was sharing a cubicle with a sumo wrestler." " Well?" " Are you waiting for me to say something?" " What have I got to say?" " Why you hate Oliver." "I thought it was perfectly obvious I hate him because you like him." "I could see you down there, chatting and laughing and joking with him." "I virtually have to plunge headlong down a vertical staircase to even raise an eyebrow from you those days, don't i, darling?" "All right, I promise I won't talk to Oliver if you come downstairs." "I'll come downstairs if you'll change those awful trousers." " Why?" "You bought me those." " Those aren't the ones from Benetton." "God, darling, how do you look like this in clothes?" "They look different on anyone else in the world." "how do you do that to clothes?" "Just try and relax and enjoy yourself." " You're not eating, Patsy?" " No, liquid lunch for me, Mrs M." "No wonder you're still thin as a rake." "Men like something to get hold of, you know." "Isn't that right, Oliver?" "You know, you have a terrific figure." ""You have a terrific figure"." "Gee whiz, isn't she the cutest thing." "What a sweet thing to say." " Mum!" " I'm being nice, darling." "Did you find her floating around L.A. With the rest of the airheads?" " You've been through a few, haven't you?" " Mum, don't!" "you promised." "We've got to take our minds off the vegetable bloody mousse." " How's the script coming, Marshall?" " Yes, how's the script?" "Is this the script you've been developing for the past 15 years?" "It's at a really exciting stage." "Marshall just signed a new development deal with Paramount." " It's at a very exciting stage." " Shall i clear the plates, darling?" "No, I'll do it, darling, on my brthday." "Shall i work on my brthday?" "Oh do not do that in front of me or i'll throw up." "Heimlich manoeuvre!" "Heimlich manoeuvre!" "Clear, I'm trained in this." " Darling, I thought I was mad." " No, you are mad." " What shall i do now?" " Just sit down." "No, I want to work on my birthday." "Isn't there something I could cut up around here?" " So, you're in antiques as well?" " Yes, Justin and I have a shop." "A shop?" "A few miserable old bits of furniture." "And you have to ring a bell." "Unwelcoming?" "Vincent Price could take lessons." "I've always wanted to know how they make furniture look so old." "Just let it live with Edina for a couple of years." "That usually does the trick." "You know, I love old things," "I really do." "They make me feel so centred and warm." "It must be so satisfying handling antiques." " Justin should know, he lived with one." " Right!" "Right!" "That is it!" "Oh yes, can't keep your hands off second-hand goods, can you?" "Touché." "Cheers, Eddy." "You know, I am sensing a lot of aggression flowing." " Are you just going to sit there?" " No, just leave it to me." " Gee whiz, you are a bad woman." " I think he is." "I think we should leave." "I see no point in celebrating that she's lived so bloody long." " Oliver, sit down." " Coming, Justin?" "No?" "Well if you want me i'll be at the YMCA." "You're not going, Justin?" "You're not going?" "No?" " I'm here for Saffy." " Oh for Saffy." " I hope you're happy." " Yes, warming up." "One down." "Forty years, God." "It's like my life has been lived and I don't know how." "I've got this house and all the things in this house." "I've got a child and two ex-husbands downstairs." "I don't know how I got them." "I don't know if I want them any more, you know." "I want to be at home with my record player and my posters." "Not wearing make-up without frightening people." "I went to a party the other night, Pats" "I thought I looked so gorgeous, so cool, darling." "I just flirted and was loud and gorgeous all night." "I was Kathleen Turner, Marisa Berenson, everybody..." "I came home and I looked in the mirror and I was entirely annihilated." "My hair had sort of gone flat and parted itself in the middle." "A little food here." "I don't know how long the food..." "All night probably." "No lipstick, eyes like pin holes." "I looked like a 200 year old Red Indian dead dwarf." "She's not handling this forty thing too well I wish I could tell her it's no big deal" "I had a ball on my 40th brthday." "I felt really strong, really sorted out about it." "I realised what a wonderful, lucky person I was." "Whether in your 30's or 40's, you're still the same gorgeous person." "Enjoy life!" "When will you be fifty?" "She hasn't started fifty therapy yet." "Oh dear..." "God, I hate Morgan Fairchild." "I hate Jane bloody Fonda." "I hope their old skin comes back to haunt them." "I bought that bloody woman's tapes." "I paid for those plastic domes on herchest." "I want them when she dies." "There must be a moment about a week after death when all those women finally achieve the figure they desire." "Skeleton thin with plastic bumps." "The flesh will rot away..." "but the bumps will still be there." " Little coffins full of bones and bumps." " Yes." "Can I just have a quality moment here?" "Can I?" "No, really, I just want to stop here and say..." " Could we hold hands?" " Oh please, no." "Come on, everybody, hold hands, feeling circle." "I just want to say thank you to whatever being or entity brought us together." "That's enough Bo, we know why we're here." " Duty." " I'm here for my daughter." "It's got to be more than that." "Both you and Marshall married her." "It was an error on Marshall's part." "He was weak." "He was stoned." "It was the worst trip of my life." "Why you ever married her, Justin, I'll never know." " Gran!" " Well, she was, I mean..." "I had..." "It seemed like a good idea at the time." "Anyway, she was going through a bad patch." "At least you got away, without being sucked dry." "I'm paying child support for a child I'm supporting." " And I'm paying for this house." " I'm paying for this house." " How much?" " Let me handle this, Bo." "How much?" " She said she got nothing from you." " Nothing?" "Nothing!" "Marshall pays plenty." " Bo, I'm handling this." "I pay plenty." " God damn!" " Dad, what is it?" " I've just got to talk to your mother." "This is it." "See, honey, it's not over." "How much money could she need?" "She's got a tiny little daughter, who hardly eats anything." "# Happy birthday to you" " Today is bloody No Smoking Day." " Oh God, bloody No Smoking Day." " Don't do bloody No Drinking Day, do they?" " No Drinking Day..." "No No Shooting People Day." "Can't have that." "No Wearing Bloody Awful Clothes." "Do they?" "They don't do Nobody Can Be A Bloody Boring Old Fart Day, do they?" "Saffron wants to know... are you going to be long in there, burning joss-sticks?" "As if i didn't know" "Come on, Pats" "She's not going to like this." "Here she comes. 1, 2, 3..." "# Happy birthday to you" "# Happy birthday to you" "# Happy birthday, dear Edina" "# Happy birthday to you" "Oh sweetie." " Can I just say one little thing?" " Yeah." ""Every life is a trash can among whose garbage we have to look out what that person ought to have been. "" " Do you want me to deal with her?" " No." "In with anger, out with love." " You still here, darling?" " I have to give you your present" "Oh presents, yes!" "It's my birthday, I get presents!" "Already I got this gorgeous pair, pair..." "Where's the other one gone?" " Down the toilet, Ed." " Oh I didn't like them anyway." "From my lovely daughter." "Lovely little thing from Pats" " So, Marsh, where's my pres?" " Sweetheart..." "I have the gift." "Have many more." "What the buggery bollocks." "Is this?" "It's a signed copy of my book on ancient oils." " Next!" " Aren't you very insulted, Marshall?" "I've lived with her." "Believe me, that's flirtation." " Where's my present?" " It's in the hall." "Oh in the hall." "I hope it's not an old piece of furniture again." "Come on, Pats, let's check it out." "It's in the hall!" "We're nearly there." "I think she's had almost a perfect day..." " This money thing is not done with." " We will sort it out." " Do you understand me?" "Just checking." " Oh yes." "Oh yes." " No, you do it." " Go on." "# They say our love won't pay the rent" "I'm Cher, Patsy." "I'm doing the Cher bit." "# I can't get no" "# Satisfaction" "# To do what I have done" "# Wheels on fire" "# Rolling down the road" "# Best notify my next of kin" "# This wheel shall explode" "Words, Pats, words." "I've done an inventory of the house." "I couldn't get into the filing cabinet." " But I own most of the things in this room." " That does it, then." " It's time to bring in the lawyers." " I will deal with the lawyers tomorrow." " We have a great man in L.A." " Listen, leave it to me." "# Wheels on fire" "# Rolling down the road" "# Best notify my next of kin" "# This wheel shall explode" "# Mash potato Watch out, darling."