"Anybody hungry?" "Didn't think so." "Just kidding." "Okay, fellas, food time." "Burt, liver, no onions." "Here you go, Burtie." "And, for dessert..." "There you go." "Connie, Mack, you kids wanted the tuna, hold the mayo." "Lovely choice." "Here you go." "I'm not crazy about you two living together." "Marvin, you ordered the flounder." "I didn't like the way it looked so I prepared a little something special for you." "I think you'll like this." "Maybe not." "Okay, here we go." " Polly, get that for me, would you?" " All right." "Kelly's Pet Shop." "Polly speaking." "It's your mother, Johnny." " Tell her to hold, would you?" " Hang on." "Thanks, Pol." "Hi, Ma." "Not too much." "I'm just feeding some of the animals." "Yeah, sure." "It's probably just the weather." "Don't worry about it." "Probably get better tomorrow." "Maybe if you wouldn't drink so much, the whole thing would clear up." "I'll see you later." "[ALARM RINGS]" "All right, come here." "Hand it over." " What the hell was that noise?" " It was this little gadget." "Something I came up with." "Prevents stealing." " Stops guys like you." " Go ahead, call the cops." " Let's get this over with." " Pretty tough, huh?" " Tough enough." " Yeah?" "You like stealing?" " Beats paying for it." " You think stealing makes you big?" "Bigger than you, wearing an apron and feeding a bunch of monkeys." " I'll tell you where stealing gets you." " Wake me when you're through." "You know, I started out just like you, kid." "It must have been 25 years ago." " What's going on?" " Don't worry." "It'll end in a few minutes." "It always does this when I talk about the past." "It was 1910." "JOHNNY:" "Times were good in America." "Plenty of everything:" "Jobs, security, laughs." "America was in great shape, except for President William Howard Taft." "Was he a porker." "He weighed as much as Teddy Roosevelt and half of McKinley." "immigrants poured in from all over the world, looking for a better life." "Over 97 percent of them settled in a two-block area of New York City." "There was a law that said that immigrants who wanted citizenship had to stay out of their apartments and walk around the streets with hats on." "Most didn't find streets paved with gold." "instead, they found hard times." "Nobody had it tougher than my mom, Mom Kelly." "She was kind and sweet." "She had a colorful way of putting things." "The Lower East Side, this really sucks." "I was your age and just starting out in business." "MAN IN CAR:" "Hey, kid, you got a paper?" " Hi, Mom." "MOM:" "Hi, Johnny." " Your pancreas feeling better?" " Now don't you go worrying about me." " You just keep yourself warm." " Thanks, Mom." "Oh, God, it's the worst July in years." "You go on upstairs." "As soon as I sell these, we'll celebrate your birthday." "You're my darling boy." "MAN:" "Hey, kid, paper here." " Yeah." "All right, Tribune." "Get your Tribune." "Get your Tribune." "Tribune." "Get your Tribune." "One lousy penny." " One lousy penny." "Get your Tribune." "JOHNNY:" "Hey, this is my corner." " Danny Vermin don't move for nobody." " Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "It's okay, officer, I can handle this myself." "[JOHNNY GROANS]" " Stop the car, Arthur." "I wanna see this." " Yes, sir, Mr. Dundee." "[LAUGHS]" " No hard feelings." " You ain't seen the last of Danny Vermin." "Hey, kid." "Come here." " I like the way you handle yourself." " Thanks, mister." "Do you know who this man is?" " I give up." " How'd you like to make a 50?" "[WHISTLES]" "Do I have to break the law?" "If I broke the law, it'd be like breaking my mother's heart." "Okay, kid." "But if you change your mind I'll be at the Club 25." "[PIANO PLAYING]" "[BABY CRIES]" "[OLD COUPLE MOANS]" " Dr. Magnus?" "How's my mother?" " It's her pancreas." "I need to operate." " How much is it gonna cost?" " $49.95." " $49.95?" " This week only." " Where can I get that kind of money?" " Why not knock over a gas station?" " Hi, Tommy." " Hi, Johnny." "Hi, Mom." "You always were a sucker for a left." " Come on, take a break." " I can't." "I'm a year behind on Mr. Stevenson's shirts." "There's a new law." "No wash on your birthday." "Gosh, Johnny, I really don't think that's a law." "Well, you won't find it in your law books because I just made it up." "Ah." "He colored Oliver Wendell Holmes purple." "Isn't that something?" "And him only 6 years old." " Your father would have been proud." " He always wanted you to be a lawyer." "MOM:" "He sure could have used one." " You'll make something of yourself." " I'll see that you do." " No mother was ever blessed with two finer sons than Johnny and Tommy Kelly." " Happy birthday, Mom." " Bless the saints, it's an ashtray." "I've been thinking of taking up smoking." "This clinches it." " How does it feel to be 29?" " I only hope I reach 30." " Are you all right, Mom?" " I'll be fine." "Johnny, you go back to work." "Don't worry about me." "I'll be all right." " She needs an operation immediately." " it'd break my mother's heart." " $49.95." " How'd you like to make a 50?" " I just hope I reach 30." " I'll be at the Club 25." "Sorry, Mom." "It's the only way I know how." "[MUSIC PLAYS]" "No more nodding!" "Dundee's gang is here." "What's that bastidge want?" " How's tricks, Moronie?" " What are you doing here, icehole?" "Can't a fellow enjoy a night gambling with his pals?" "Don't bullshty me." "Search the sum in a batch." "We're clean, Moronie." "You see, I don't bear no grudges even though your boys have been muscling in on my territory." "Why do you do that, Moronie?" " It's a free country, icehole." " They're clean, boss." "Okay, you and the rest of your bastidges can gamble." "But don't try no fargin trick, or you'll end up with your bells in a sling." "What a mouth on that guy." "Hey, kid." "Paper, mister?" "JOHNNY:" "Here you go." " Here you are, sir." " Thanks, kid." "[GUNSHOT]" "Nobody move and nobody will get hurt." "All we want is Moronie's money." "Go ahead, kid." "You fargin, sneaky bastidge." "I'm gonna take your dwork." "I'm gonna nail it to the wall!" "I'm gonna crush your boils in a meat grinder!" "I'm gonna cut off your arms and shove them up your icehole!" "MORONIE:" "Dirty sum in a batch!" "My own club." "Mr. Dundee, watch out!" "[GUNSHOT]" "Stupid, lock the fargin door!" "We got Dundee!" "MORONIE:" "Get that lousy kid!" "Get that sum in a batch." "[GROANS]" "Get him!" "It's only a fargin kid, you fargin styheads!" "MORONIE:" "Get him!" "Give me a gun." "Give me a gun!" " Next shooter." "MORONIE:" "Kid's like a monkey." "Get him!" "It's only a fargin kid." "Kill him!" "Hell of an anniversary, Lou." "MORONIE:" "I don't believe you guys!" "Get him, or you're all fired!" "No, no, no." "Permesso." "Say your prayers, icehole." "Hold it." "Why you miserable corksucker." "I'm gonna get you for this." "Roman Moronie never forgets a fargin face, kid." "I'll get you." " You okay, boss?" " Yeah, thanks to this kid and this." "Thanks a lot, kid." " From now on, you're my boy." "ARTHUR:" "Yeah, you really live dangerously." " By the way, what's your name?" " Johnny." "Johnny..." "Johnny Dangerously." "I should've never picked that name." "A name like that, you gotta live up to." "Act tough." "Put up a front." "I got into a lot of fights." " What's your last name?" " Binderhoff." "Great." "Don't change that name and you'll stay out of trouble." "Anyway, Mom's pancreas got better." "Things generally improved." "And I didn't have to work for the Dundee gang." "I was your average, poverty-stricken teenager thinking about girls, my hair, girls." "[CHARLESTON MUSIC PLAYS]" "Gee, Johnny, I've never seen anyone dance like that!" " Dr. Magnus, how's my mother?" " It's her thyroid, Johnny." "What's wrong with it?" "We can't find it." "Gonna have to do a thyroid search." " How much is that gonna cost?" " You're in luck." "This week it's just $999." "$999?" "JOHNNY:" "Talk about bad luck." "There was only one place for me to go." "I joined the Jocko Dundee mob full time." "Jocko was still at war with his old enemy, Roman Moronie." "The years didn't soften Moronie." "He continued to murder the English language and anyone who got in his way." "Moronie had a lot of rules for his gang." "Number one:" "Never park in his space." "The Dundee gang was a lot more fun." "Sure we did illegal things, but we never bothered the general public." "And every Christmas, Jocko returned a little cash back to the community." "Every chance I got, I returned to the old neighborhood." "They looked up to me like I was a folk hero." ""I love Johnny" T-shirts." "I love Johnny." "Johnny, can I follow in your footsteps?" "Sure, kid." "Here, it was burning a hole in my pocket." "Look, Rosie, it's Johnny Dangerously." "Mrs. Zimmer." "Everybody, over here." "Now what did I tell all you people?" "Around here you're Johnny Kelly, a law-abiding night club owner not the notorious gangster Johnny Dangerously." "MAN:" "Sure, and I'm the pope." " Hey, pope." "How'd you know?" " Johnny, everybody knows except your mother and your brother." "And nobody here is gonna say nothing." "Thanks, Your Holiness." "Tell you what, build yourself a new gym at the Vatican." "Bless you, Johnny." "[KNOCKING]" "Johnny!" "Hi, Ma." "How's my best girl?" "MOM:" "Oh." "You gotta watch that left, Ma." "I love him, but some day I'm gonna knock him on his ass." " What are you cooking, Ma?" " Beer." "With noodles?" "What a great idea." " What's new?" " Me arthritis, that's new." "One of the muscles in me calf is shriveling up." "Also, I'm losing sensation in me face." "I think it's a neurological disorder." " But the rest of me is in the pink." " You gotta take better care of yourself." "I don't want you living like this and doing other people's laundry." "What are you saying, give up me career?" "Maybe you ought to retire." "Enjoy the golden years, Ma not do this." "Son, I couldn't consider retiring." "Not so long as I can still give good laundry." " Where's Tommy?" " Don't be talking to me about Tommy." " Why not?" " Because I'm leaving law school." " If this is a joke, I ain't laughing." " I'm dropping out and marrying Sally." " You can't change my mind." " Is this what you want, Sally?" "I want whatever Tommy wants." "I'm his girl, and he makes the decisions." "Sally's place is in the home, and I intend to support her." "I'll shine boots, drive a hack, blow glass, anything." " Johnny, please, talk sense to him." " You're breaking your mother's heart." " Why, Tommy?" "Why?" " I can't say it in front of Mom." "Okay." "I've got a little business to take care of." "Why don't you meet me at my place at 10:00?" "All right, you little muskrat." " I'll see you, Sally." "SALLY:" "Bye." "Ma, don't worry about a thing." "I'll straighten everything out." "Hey, Ma, what's this in your ear?" "$100?" " What can't you say in front of Mom?" " Nothing, Mom." "I know what you can't say." "You wanna get laid." " Mom!" " You wanna hump your brains out." "Ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom." "JOHNNY:" "Hi, Pat." " Top of the morning." "How's your mother?" "Much better, Pat." "Thanks for asking." " Such a wonderful woman." " Yes, she is." "A sweet little lady." "She's got the smile of an angel." "[SINGS "EMBRACEABLE YOU"]" "CHORUS GIRL 1:" "Johnny is here!" "CHORUS GIRL 2:" "Johnny!" "CHORUS GIRL 3:" "Johnny!" "CHORUS GIRL 4:" "Johnny!" "CHORUS GIRL 3:" "You wanna be my first?" "CHORUS GIRL 1:" "No, it's my turn." " I'm not wearing a bra." " That makes two of us." " I'm a real blond, Johnny." " Check it out Thursday?" " You're on." " How do you do it, Johnny?" "Mutual respect." " Hey, who's the nightingale?" " She just flew in from Pittsburgh." "Say, kid?" "What do they call you?" " Impressive." " Her name is Lil Sheridan." "Thanks." "Lil Sheridan, huh?" "My name's Dangerously..." "Johnny Dangerously." "Did you know your last name's an adverb?" "Hey." "I like that." "You got spirit, spunk, fire, verve." " You got those." "I like those on a woman." " Gee, my heart's all a flutter." "I'll tell you what, why don't you take my card." " Enjoying yourself?" " You call me tomorrow." "Yeah?" "Don't be upset when you don't hear the phone ringing." " Suit yourself." " I hope this is helping your morale." "That's the first time I had to take that card back." "I kind of like it." "I'll be seeing you." "Does the word "smitten" mean anything to anybody?" "VITO:" "Hi, Johnny." " Hi, Vito." "Vito, better cut down on the pasta." " I'm starting a diet on Monday." " Attaboy." " What are you so happy about?" " Well, Vito, I just met an angel an absolute angel." " You met Lil, huh?" "I sure did, Mr. Dundee." "You see this card?" "This card has been to paradise." "PARROT:" "Johnny's in love." "You remind me of me and the wife 20 years ago." "Of course, Mae never looked like Lil." "And now she looks like him." " But what am I, a beauty?" " Dames are put on Earth to weaken us drain our energy, laugh at us when they see us naked." "Meet two new members of the gang:" "Danny Vermin and his sidekick, Dutch." " Hello, Johnny." " Hi, Danny." "Danny and I used to fight in the old neighborhood." "I wondered what happened to you." "Well, I fulfilled a lot of people's predictions." "I've become a real scumbag." "Good for you." "A lot of people go their whole lives without realizing what they wanna be." "[KNOCKING]" "MAN:" "Delivery for Jocko Dundee." "There's some postage due, but I'll take care of it." "No problem." "JOHNNY:" "What's this?" "He sent us a robot." ""Dear Bastidges, I hope I got a few of you." "If not, I'll get you when I take over the Club 25." "Love and kisses, Moronie."" " We gotta stop him." " I got something to stop him." "They made it for him special." "It's an.88 magnum." "It shoots through schools." "[CHUCKLES]" "Vermin, maybe you got too much sugar in your diet." "We do things differently around here." "Put the gun away." "Maybe I will and maybe I won't." " Stash the rod, Danny." " You shouldn't grab me, Johnny." "My mother grabbed me once." "Once." " What are you gonna do, Johnny?" " I'll think of something something clever, something unexpected something subtle." " You know, this club is too fargin small." " Yeah." " How big was the crowd last night?" " Packed." "We had to turn them away." "That's what I mean." "We've got to expand this fargin place." "Knock down that wall." "Knock down that wall." "And knock down that fargin wall." "[EXPLOSION]" "Now I'm really angry." "This is fargin war." "FEMALE BUTLER:" "You must be Tommy." "Come in." "Johnny's expecting you." "Follow me." "WOMAN:" "Hello, Tommy." "Tommy, have a seat you little muskrat." "What's this bull fertilizer about you quitting school?" "I'm sorry, Johnny." "I just haven't got the tits for it." "I mean, heart." "Tommy, I want you to pay attention." "I don't understand." "You're tops in your class." "You made the law review." " Why do you have to get married now?" " Because if I don't get laid, I'll die." "Laid!" "Is that what this is about, getting laid?" " I thought it was something serious." "TOMMY:" "It is serious." "I've tried going to bad girls, but for a clean-cut kid like me, it's just no dice." "Oh, God!" "How do you get laid in 1930?" "You think this is fun, Tom?" "You think this is a picnic, Tommy?" "You got a lot to learn, kid." "It's a bad habit." "It's like drinking coffee." "Believe me, if I could quit, I would." "Come on in here, Tom." "I wanna talk to you about something." "I think this is the most important reason you should wait." "Have a seat." "I wanna show you something, Tom, something I think might open your eyes." "DOCTOR ZILLMAN:" "Your testicles and you." "Take a good look." "These are the unlucky ones." "These unfortunate souls are suffering from ESS Enlarged Scrotum Syndrome." "For these poor devils, it's too late." "But there is hope." "Here, at the Atlanta Genital institute teams of doctors are at work around the clock to cure this dreaded affliction." "Hi, I'm Dr. Zillman, and I'd like to talk to you about your testes." "The human testicle is like a balloon." "Sometimes, it is empty." "And sometimes... it is full." "And sometimes... it can explode." "Maybe this will help you understand." "Just remember that your testicles, when treated with love and care will give you years of maintenance-free service." "But if abused well, the inevitable conclusion:" "[POPPING]" "So next time, do the smart thing." "Don't let anything come between your testicles and you." "Thank you." " Where are you going?" " Back to law school." "[BAND PLAYS]" "[CLAPPING]" "Let's hear it for the band." "Johnny, great to see you." "I've got an announcement to make." "When I die, hopefully in my bed..." "[LAUGHING] ...I wanna know that the Dundee mob will continue with the same traditions with the same high standards that have made us the New York Yankees of crime." "[CHEERING]" "And for that reason, I'm naming as my successor Johnny Dangerously." "[CHEERING]" "Now I want you to give a warm welcome to a very shy, retiring, little lady who's come to us from a convent school in Pittsburgh:" "Lil Sheridan." "[BAND PLAYS]" "[WHISTLING]" "[SINGS]" "MAN:" "Yeah!" "[APPLAUSE]" "CHORUS GIRL 1:" "There's Johnny." "He's so cute." "You're holding up traffic." "That song you just sang, I figured that gave me the green light." "Let's just say you're off red, but you're still on amber." "I hope that light changes soon because my motor's running." "You better be careful, you don't wanna overheat." " I'll tell you one thing..." " What's that?" "...you sure can banter." "So then I decided to leave Pittsburgh and come here to Chicago." " Lil?" " Yeah?" "This ain't Chicago." "We're in New York." "You're kidding." "New York, Chicago." "To a girl on her own, it's all the same." "I figured Mom and Dad didn't need me around, not with 14 mouths to feed." " Your folks had 14 kids?" " No, they ran a kennel." " What about your folks?" " My mom practically raised us by herself." "I never knew my father or my uncle." "I kind of knew my grandmother." "Didn't know my grandfather." "Never knew any of my cousins." " Any pets?" " Yeah, we had a dog." "He ran away when I was a kid." "I never knew him." "JOHNNY:" "Where the hell are we?" " Johnny, I'm falling in a big way." " You got company, kid." "Where we gonna land?" "And when we do, will our hearts break?" "I'm sure there are answers to all these questions, but first..." "[FIREWORKS EXPLODE]" "Sounds like Johnny's getting laid." "[LAUGHING]" "JOHNNY:" "Moronie was still on the warpath." "Even getting to work was an adventure." " Johnny, be careful." " Don't worry, doll." "There's not a bullet out there with my name on it." "I couldn't stand it if something happened to you." "Neither could I." "One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus three hippopotamus." "Go!" "[MACHINE GUN FIRE]" " Whoa." "Wait!" " Get him!" "[MACHINE GUN FIRE]" "PAT:" "Morning, Johnny." " Hiya, Pat." "PAT:" "How's that precious mother of yours?" "[JOHNNY GROANS]" "[CHUCKLES]" "[JOHNNY SIGHS]" " You been out there today?" " Pretty rough, huh?" "Not as bad as yesterday." " You'll feel better if you have a cookie." " Thanks." " All fixed, Mr. Dundee." " Thanks, pal." " Who's that guy?" " The plumber." "My drain was stuck." "Where is all this gangland warfare getting us anyway?" "I want Moronie." "And I'm not gonna rest until I get him." "Or until he gets you." "[DUNDEE CHUCKLES]" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Oh!" "Relax, Johnny." "Relax." "Come on." "A year from now, we're gonna look back on all this and have one big laugh." "[LAUGHS]" "DUNDEE:" "Oh, boy." "I really had to wee wee." "That's funny." "This bathroom drain was never stuck before." "Mr. Dundee, wait!" "[EXPLOSION]" "[CAWS]" " Got the number of that other plumber?" "JOHNNY:" "Mr. Dundee..." "[SCREAMS]" "Oh, my God!" "Moronie, you son of a bitch!" "What have you done to me?" " Calm down." " Why go on living?" "Look, don't panic." "Calm down?" "I'm standing here with my dork in my hand." "It's not your dork." "Look." " Ah." "Thank God." "It's just the chain handle." " Sure." "Freddie, you're still here, you little bald-headed beauty." "I thought I lost you." "Johnny this is a sign from above." "CHARLEY:" "You okay, boss?" "Johnny, I'm retiring before it's too late." "You remember this?" "Take it." "You're the boss now." "I don't know." "It's a lot of responsibility." "I don't know if I'm ready." " I'm ready for it." " Forget it, Vermin." "I was on top, kid." "Moronie and I worked out a truce." "Lil and I were going strong." "And as for Ma between the occasional transplant and bypass, her health was improving." " Yeah, I was on top of the world." " Well, that was a great story, pops." " So long." " Wait, I'm just getting to the sad part." "See, now that everything else in my life was going well I was about to face the greatest challenge of my life." " Oh, Tommy." "We're so proud of him." " We sure are, kid." " I owe it all to you, Johnny." " Oh, go on." "This calls for a picture." "The two Kelly boys." "Wait till I get me camera." "Hold this." "Where the hell is that camera?" "Tommy, I want you to have a little something." " Kimball, Pritchard  Williston?" " Biggest law firm in the city." "I think you'll find them receptive." "Gee, thanks, Johnny, but I've already made up my mind." "I know you're gonna be proud of me." "I'm joining the district attorney's office." "I'm gonna dedicate my life to fighting crime." "Isn't that great?" "Right." "My little brother, who I put through law school is gonna be fighting crime." "TOMMY:" "Crime." "Mom, it's prohibition." "Oh, shut up." "Stop acting like a fag choir boy." "Here, another one." "To me two darling sons, one a famous night club owner the other a crime fighter." "With a father like Killer Kelly it's a miracle neither of you turned out to be a piece-of-shit criminal." "JOHNNY:" "Maybe she was right." "I decided to go legit but then I got hit with more bad news about Mom." " About your mom, John..." " What is it?" "How much?" " The blocked salivary gland. $7500." " Really?" "Yeah, go ahead and do it." "It'll be good to see her spit again." "JOHNNY:" "I went back to crime, and Tommy went to work for the DA." "Fortunately, I had the DA on our payroll." "So I wasn't too worried." "Hi." "I' m the new assistant DA I' m joining you in the war against crime." " The boss in?" " In there." "TOMMY:" "Tommy Kelly reporting for work." " Kelly, welcome to the team." "I'm proud to be part of any team whose adversary is crime." "Well said." "That's just what I wanted to hear." "That's why we scout the law schools for young idealists like yourself." "But before you begin, why not ease into the job?" " Take a little vacation." " A vacation?" "But what about crime?" "Don't worry." "It'll still be here when you get back." "But don't you see?" "That's the trouble." "Crime will always be here unless something is done about it." "JOHNNY:" "Tommy didn't go on vacation." "He became the city's most tireless crime fighter." "He fought crime in the newspapers." "He attacked it on the radio." "He arrested every criminal in town." "And then, he turned his sights on my old enemy, Moronie." "Roman Troy Moronie is the man responsible for the Mother's Day Massacre, the Christmas Day Slaughter the Lincoln's Birthday Mutilation, and the Groundhog's Day Beheadings." "Before we begin the questions, my client would like to read a statement." "Go ahead." "I would like to direct this to the distinguished members of the panel." ""You lousy corksuckers, you have violated my fargin rights." "This sum in a batching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens like me could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin iceholes like yourselves." Thank you very much." "[MUMBLING}" "What do the names Benny the Hump, Roland Carpidi and Izzy the Nose mean to you?" "They don't mean a thing." " Recognize this?" " No." "Can you explain how your fingerprints got on this gun which was used to kill everyone in the building at 110 East 40th Street?" "Where'd you get that?" "If a train left New York at 300 miles per hour and accelerated speed 15 miles per hour and traveled a distance of 683 miles tell me, sir, what time would that train reach Chicago?" " That's a fargin trick question!" " What time?" "TOMMY OVER RADIO:" "This weed of crime that threatens to grow unchecked and choke off this beautiful flower, which is our free democratic society." "I never thought this radio stunt would catch on." "He's impossible to control." "The public sees him as a knight in shining armor." "This goes through armor." "Then it goes through the victim through the wall, through a tree..." " Relax." " Kelly's got nothing on us." " Maybe we should wait until he does." "Pipe down, Vermin." "We knock off Kelly, and the whole city would be breathing down our necks." "If Jocko was in charge, we'd be making cement loafers for him." "Jocko's not in charge, I am." "Got it?" "Burr, talk some sense to the kid." "Get him to play ball." "Fabulous idea, Johnny." "We'll appeal to the more practical side of the man." "There you go." "While you're at it, buy yourself a second home." " Thanks, Johnny." " Sure." "This gang's getting soft." "By letting Kelly take us apart, we'd be the laughingstock of the underworld." "Yeah." "At parties, people ask what I do." "I'm embarrassed." "I say I'm a barber." "I told somebody I was a male nurse." "I'm ashamed to admit I'm a criminal." " Me too." " We gotta do something about this." "Boy, you fellas really disappoint me." "Take a look around you." "What do you see?" "I'll tell you what I see." "I see some guys doing pretty damn good." " Manny, you got a sauna?" " Yeah, I got a sauna." "All right." "JOHNNY:" "Ollie, you send your mother to Norway every summer, don't you?" "Yeah, Johnny." "Vito, how many hats do you own?" "Upwards of around 180." "180 hats." "That's a lot of hats." "MANNY:" "You never told me that." " Tell me another gang in New York that's got a dental plan." " Do you know why we're so successful?" " Why, Johnny?" "Tell us." "Because we're diversified." "Diversification." "We're exploring new and exciting areas of crime." "We better, because there are Japanese gangs who'll do it faster and cheaper." "Believe me, fellas." "Believe me." "There's so much out there you could find something you like." " I like what I'm doing right now." "I enjoy collecting protection money, putting whores to work, loan sharking." "I enjoy planting bombs in people's cars." "These are a few of my favorite things." "PARROT:" "Sick?" "Don't ask." "[GUNSHOT]" "PARROT:" "You missed, fuckface." "All right, Vermin." "You're not getting that back until you've matured." "Aren't we touchy today, Johnny?" "What's the matter?" "Something going on between you and Kelly?" "You shouldn't hang me on a hook." "My father hung me on a hook once." "Once." "[CRASHING]" " Come on, boys." "I'm buying." " Now you're talking." "OLLIE:" "Bye, Danny." "VITO:" "Hang in there, Vermin." "There's something fishy with Johnny and that DA." "And I'm gonna find out what it is." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Good news, sir." "I got enough to put Dangerously where he belongs." "Hold it." "We don't even know such a man exists." "Until now." "Sir, I have got conclusive evidence:" "Notarized depositions, tire prints, blood samples." "I've got eyewitness accounts, murder weapons, fingerprints..." "Hold it." "Hold it, kid." "It's flimsy." "It's not enough." "It'll never hold up in a court of law." "Let's put this aside." "We're here to socialize, not talk shop." " Had enough milk-fed veal, Tommy?" " Yes, sir." "Delicious." "Now, can we get back to this damaging evidence on Johnny Dangerously?" " No." "Tonight, I wanna talk about Tommy Kelly and his future." "You're engaged, aren't you?" "Yes, sir, I am." "To a fine and decent girl." "We plan to be married soon." " As soon as you can afford it, eh?" " We'll manage." "Oh, I'm sure you will." "But a little help can't hurt." "Come here, Tom." "Let me show you something." "[HORN HONKS]" "[MUSIC PLAYS]" "[BELL RINGS]" "It's time to play ball!" "Let's see what's in store for Tommy Kelly if he plays ball!" "In a hurry, Sally?" "Pop it into this time-saving microflame oven." "Cook a whole turkey in just under a day!" "In a rut, Tom?" "Get away from it all." "Take a trip around the world on us!" "Twice!" "Aboard the S.S. Kelly." "And when you return, move into your own cozy, little love nest." "Plenty of extra closet space." "Perfect for entertaining." "And on those chilly winter nights Sally can wrap herself up in this number." "And on those hot summer nights, she can wrap herself up in ice!" "It's all yours, Tommy, if you play ball!" "What do you say?" "I say I'll see you behind bars." "[PHONE RINGS]" " Yeah, what's up?" "BURR:" "Didn't go for it." "What should I do?" "Hold on, I'll ask Johnny." "What do you wanna do about Kelly?" "Kill him." "He wants you to kill him." "I thought he'd feel that way." "So I've taken care of it." "[MUSIC PLAYS]" "TOMMY:" "Oh, my God!" "[TOMMY SCREAMS]" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" " Which one's Tommy?" " You got me." "This is him." "He's got his father's eyes." "Give me a pen." "MOM:" "In case they move him." "Hey, Ma?" "Is he gonna...?" "Are they...?" " Will he...?" " Croak?" "No, don't you worry." "Dr. Kaplan says he's going to be fine." "We Kellys are tough." " What happened?" " He was coming from the DA's house and his brakes failed." " His brakes?" "I smell a rat." "Get yourself a cab." "I got a little business to attend to." "This is very nice, although unexpected." "Well, I figure you've been on the take from us for all these years." " It's just my way of saying thanks." " That's generous of you." "You know you've always seemed to me to be more sensitive than the rest." "We should spend some time together." "Say, two weeks in Puerto Rico?" "It's a thought." "By the way, I picked a little something up for you." "Ah, John." "A smoking jacket." "Red, my favorite color." "Oh." "Mmm." "Tasty." "What is this we're drinking?" "Read the label." "Excuse me for a minute, I've gotta make a call." ""Malt liquor."" "[SOUNDS OF GALLOPING ANIMAL]" "[GLASS SHATTERING]" "[SCREAMS]" "MAN ON TRUCK:" "Yo!" "My God." "My God, I can see." "I can see." " Hi, honey." "I'm home." "LIL:" "Johnny, you're early." "That's all right, isn't it?" "[GLASS SHATTERING]" "Johnny, you never missed before." "Is something wrong?" "[DOORBELL]" " Hi, Johnny." " Hi, Mrs. Capone." "Could I borrow a cup of bullets." "We're a little short." "We're a little low here too, Mrs. Capone." "Oh, boy." "Al's gonna be pissed." "Hey, well, maybe Al's gonna have to stay home tonight." "Gee." " Johnny, you weren't very nice to her." " Oh, no?" "When's somebody gonna be nice to Johnny Dangerously?" "Look at this." "My own brother is out to get me that psycho Vermin's out to get him, the gang's getting antsy and the Crime Commission's breathing down my neck." " I hope that's for a small grownup." " Just wishful thinking." " Maybe someday, kid." " When, Johnny?" "When are we gonna stop running and start living?" "I don't mean to complain but with Sally and Tommy getting hitched tomorrow, it got me thinking." "I got a real, old-fashioned streak in me." "I wanna live a normal life." "Johnny Dangerously can't live a normal life." "It ain't in the cards." "People like me, we're like shooting stars." "We cross the sky, burning hot for one moment in time, and then we plunge to earth, disappear." "Jesus Christ, I'm starting to upset myself." "Oh, but, Johnny, it doesn't have to be that way." " We can change." " I don't know, Lil." "Dare we dream?" "Hanging curtains, ironing shirts." " Car pools, PTA." " Sharing a casserole recipe." "Putting up shelf paper." "Oh, Johnny, I love shelf paper." " A little house, white picket fence." " Kids and dogs playing in the yard." "Saying hi to a neighbor named Fred." "Maybe there is a rainbow for us out there." "JOHNNY:" "Sure, we had dreams." "But when you're in crime, dreams don't always come true." "Follow them." "VERMIN:" "Park in this spot here." " It's for the handicapped." "I am handicapped." "I' m psychotic." "I now pronounce you man and wife." "You may kiss the bride." "[WEDDING MARCH PLAYS]" "[MOM SOBS]" "You're like a daughter to me, and I wanna share something with you." " What's that, Mom Kelly?" " I go both ways." "Ah." "I'm glad we waited, but I can't wait anymore." " Okay, where?" " Some place real close." "I know Tommy's excited, but I wonder if he knows about foreplay." " He'll figure it out." " And when will you follow your brother's example, Johnny Kelly?" " Brothers." "I knew there was something." "Leave your face right there." "How do you like that?" "Johnny Dangerously is Tommy Kelly's brother." " What?" " Dangerously is the DA's brother." "SALLY:" "That's it?" "You little shit!" "[SINGS GOSPEL]" "PORTER:" "Hallelujah!" "[CRASHING]" "There you are." "I was wondering what happened to my kid brother." "I'm Johnny Kelly's kid brother, not Johnny Dangerously's." "It was just a matter of time, wasn't it?" "All I ask is that you don't tell Ma." "She's gonna find out, because when I put you behind bars your picture's gonna be on the front page everywhere." " Why, Johnny?" "Why?" " I don't know, kid." "Maybe it's because that big dealer up in the sky shuffles the cards and we just play what we're dealt." " It's against the law to gamble!" " Jesus Christ." "I took an oath to fight crime, but I can't go against my own brother." " We have to settle this with our fists." " Wait a minute, kid." " You can't fight me." "I'm too good." " I'll take my chances." "Okay." "I win, you quit." " You win, I quit." " All right." "Johnny, take a dive." "I didn't know you packed such a wallop." "All right, Tom, you win." " I'm going legit." " Gee, thanks, Johnny!" "Hey." "[COUGHING]" "JOHNNY:" "This time, I really was going legit." "Now all I had to do was make the gang understand." "[GUNSHOT]" " Who did that?" " Sorry." "Did I get you?" "You ruined the jacket." "See?" " When do we tell the boys about Johnny?" " As soon as he gets here." "I wanna see the look on his face." "[COUGHING]" "You know, you're not doing yourself any good." "And for you kids out there who are thinking about smoking, don't start." "And if you've started, stop." "Smoking don't make you look tough, it makes you look stupid." "If you've gotta put something in your mouth make it a stick of chewing gum." "Sure." "That's what Johnny does." "Smoking is the worst thing you can do to your body." "[GROANING]" " See?" " Hey, Johnny, let's have it." "I'll be late for target practice." "There's an opera letting out." " All right, here it is." "I'm going legit." " Le-what?" " Legit." " Le-why?" "I'll tell you le-why." "Le-cause Johnny Dangerously is really Johnny Kelly, brother of the DA, Tommy Kelly." "Johnny, is this true?" "Because if it is, I don't know how to react." "Yeah, kid, it is true." "Tommy Kelly is my brother." "And you know what?" "I'm proud of him." "Sure you're proud of him." "You've been working with him helping his career." "And now that he's on top, you're running out on us." "You know something, Johnny, you don't care about crime." "[MUMBLING]" "I don't care about crime?" "I've devoted my entire life to crime since I was 12 years old." "I just think we ought to relax, that's all, and enjoy what we got." "We got plenty." "Fellas, I'm closing this store up for good." "Well, I'm reopening it under new management." "Oh, no, you're not, because you don't have the keys." "And I do." "And I'm turning them over to the crime commissioner." "And us with them, huh, Johnny?" "I knew it, he's turning squealer." "You know, I'm bored with slapping you around." "It bores me." "Don't worry, fellas, you guys are in the clear." "It's me they're after." "[COUGHING]" "Dirty Jew!" "Shanty nigger!" "White-trash bastard!" "Go ahead, walk all over the little people!" "Commissioner, there's all the evidence against me, just like I promised you." "Use it." "I'm ready to pay my debt." "Hey, how about a thank-you?" "Hey, how about me getting out of here?" "Hey, how about me getting knocked out?" "I'd love to stick around and see how this whole thing turns out but I got a new store to open." "[CHUCKLES]" "[CHUCKLES]" "Oh, you lousy, Wop, Slovak, Chink, Jap, Polack, Mick, Krauts, Hebe fags!" " Hi, doll." "What's your name?" " Mary Margaret Catherine Dineen." " How'd you like to make some money?" " One at a time or both together?" "How much for you to clean room 708 and forget you ever saw us?" " $17,000." " All right, 17 grand it is." "Do us a big favor and forget we ever gave you this money, huh?" " What money?" " Attagirl." "[CHATTERING]" "One at a time." "One at a time." " Did you do it?" " You know better than to ask me that." " Why did they find a gun in your hand?" " I've been framed like the Mona Lisa." "GROUP:" "John!" " Yeah, Duffy?" "What were you doing there?" " I was there to tell him I was going legit." " Le-what?" " Legit, as in legitimate." "GROUP:" "Oh!" "Hey, Johnny, can we get a picture?" "Sure, why not?" "It's the first picture ever taken of me so make it a good one." "[MUMBLING]" "All right." "Thank you." "[CRASHING]" "SERGEANT:" "Empty your pockets, Johnny." "Wait a minute, my cigarette case." "I can't find my cigarette case." " Maybe it's in another suit." " No." " Did you leave it in your car?" " No." "Sometimes when I shave, I put it on the sink." "No, it's my good luck piece." "I never go anywhere without it." "Whoever has my cigarette case bumped off the commissioner." "Excuse me." "Johnny, I came as soon as I heard." "I brought your bail money." "I hate to disappoint you, little lady." "Johnny's being held without bail." "By whose orders?" "SERGEANT:" "The man who's gonna prosecute you the DA himself." "I suppose this is what you call going legit?" "I was set up." "Find my cigarette case and you'll find the guy who did it." "Oh, come on." "There are a million cigarette cases out there." "But only one has a bullet dent and smells like gum." "Johnny, don't say anything until you get a lawyer." " I can handle my own brother." " Wait a minute." "You mean you and he...?" " That's right." "Me and him is brothers." " We were brothers." "GROUP:" "Brothers!" "REPORTER:" "Hey, wait." "Hey!" "MAN ON TRUCK:" "Yo!" " Is that the city edition?" " What?" "I said, is that the city edition?" "Oh, no." "Son of a bitch." "Now I'm deaf." "GROUP:" "He's guilty." "He's guilty!" "[WOMAN SCREAMS]" "REPORTER:" "Mrs. Kelly." " Get this side." "It's my best side." " Anything to say?" "Truthfully, I've got mixed feelings." "Thrilled for Tommy, sad for Johnny." "Sorry, fellas, no comment." "This is the toughest thing I've ever had to do." "I'm sure you boys can understand." "Nice work in there Mr. DA." "Allow me to introduce myself." "I'm Danny Vermin." "I was associated with your brother." "I just want to thank you personally for sending him to the hot seat." "[LAUGHS]" "Watch this." "Johnny taught me this." "[GROANS]" "You shouldn't kick me in the balls." "My sister kicked me in the balls once." "TOMMY:" "Look, Mom." " It's Johnny's cigarette case the one he was talking about." " That's mine." "This is my brother's cigarette case." "Johnny didn't do it." "I'm gonna get you, Vermin, if it's the last thing I do." "It just might be, Mr. DA." "Johnny ain't guilty." "And you sent him to the big house." " It's an honor to have you on death row." " The pleasure's all mine." " Hi, pops." "Still here, huh?" "PRISONER:" "You bet." "They finally got you, huh, Brooklyn?" " Louie." "How are you?" "You look great." "LOUIE:" "You're beautiful, Johnny." "Listen, why don't you go out and get the boys some quiche." "[PRIEST READS FROM THE BIBLE]" " Johnny, this is my best guard, Tony." "JOHNNY:" "Hi, Tony." "How are you?" "I think you took a shot at me one time." "Hey, I never forget a gun." "Come on, guys." "We gonna do this or what?" " There's nothing left." "Look." " Finest metal, good holes..." "I keep telling you, Howard, the boy needs a role model." " Rocky, I'm so horny." " Me too." "Vermin's turning the place into a dive." "It's attracting the worst elements." " That son of a..." "LIL:" "And Johnny..." "Don't tell me." "He put in a salad bar." "No." "He's making a play for me." "Wait a minute, that's just what we want." "I gotta prove he framed me." "Lil, I want you to play up to him." " But, Johnny..." " No "buts." Keep your eyes and ears open." "First thing you hear, you get it to me on the grapevine." "You got it?" " Got it." " Attagirl." "Come here." "[KISSING SOUNDS]" "LIL:" "Next time, I'll bring a can opener." " Good idea." "MAN ON TRUCK:" "Yo!" "I can hear again, and I can see." "I can hear again, and I can see!" "But who am I?" "Tommy, please take a break and eat something." " I won't eat until I save my brother." " Keep up the good work, Governor Kelly." " It's governor, is it?" " That's just cheap talk, Mom." "Anybody that would send his own brother to the hot seat gets my vote." "I've been trying night and day to prove Johnny's innocence." "If I leave it to you, Johnny'll fry in the chair like his father." "Well, your old mom just might have something for you tonight." "WOMAN:" "Who is it?" "MOM:" "Open up." "It's Ma Kelly." " What do you want?" "Get out of here." "MOM:" "I gotta talk to you." " We don't have nothing to say." "MOM:" "We've got plenty to say." " We've got a lot in common." " Like what?" "We both scrub floors, we're swell lookers and neither of us is Chinese." "You've been doing your homework." "What do you want?" "How much will it take for you to tell the truth?" "19,500." "Boy, am I having a good year." "VERMIN:" "What's the matter, you got no manners?" "Send me a bill for the door." "You don't even wait for the body to get cold, do you?" "I go where the action is." "Where's your mom?" "Did you send her up the river too?" "What do you want, Mr. DA?" "And make it quick." "There's a subpoena out for you." "I wanted to serve it myself." " Subpoena?" "You ain't got a thing on me." " Oh, no?" "Does the name Mary Margaret Catherine Dineen strike a familiar chord?" "[THUDDING]" " I'm tone deaf." " Too bad because she's singing like a canary, and we got her in her own cage." "It's gonna be my pleasure to send you to the chair." "Come on, boys." "Let's go." "I don't like the smell in here." "The cleaning dame will spill her guts, and we can't get to her." " But we can get to him." " How, boss?" "Don't you listen to the radio?" "SPEAKER ON RADIO:" "The governor and DA Kelly will attend the premiere of the new James Cagney movie tomorrow night." "Should be clear skies tomorrow night as the governor and DA Tommy Kelly attend the new James Cagney movie." "Which theater?" "The Savoy, on 37th." "It'll be like shooting ducks in a pond." "Once we knock the DA off that cleaning dame will clam up just fine." "Get this to Johnny on the grapevine:" "Vermin's going to kill Johnny's brother at the Savoy theater tomorrow night." " Got it?" "PARROT:" "Got it." "PARROT:" "Vermin's going to kill Johnny's brother at the Savoy theater." "Pass it on." "Vermin's going to kill Johnny's brother at the Savoy." "Pass it on." "Vermin's going to kill Johnny's mother at the Savoy." "Pass it on." "Vermin's mother is gonna kill Johnny at the Savoy." "Pass it on." " Urgent message through the grapevine." " Yeah?" "What is it?" "Johnny and the Mothers are playing "Stomping at the Savoy" in Vermont." "Vermin's gonna kill my brother at the Savoy theater tonight." " I didn't say that." " No, but I know this grapevine." "I gotta get out of here." "Guard!" "Come here!" " Yeah?" " Smell that food." "I think it's rotten." "[CHEERING]" " What's all this about, Johnny?" " I can't take it anymore!" "I'm cracking up!" "Fry me tonight!" "The waiting's driving me crazy!" " You've still got two more weeks." " I don't want them!" " Fry me tonight!" " Okay, Johnny." "Anything for you." "We'll bump Steinberg." "Dangerously will go to the chair tonight." "Everyone who is anyone is here tonight including Mr. Crime Fighter himself, District Attorney Tommy Kelly." "They're talking about you as our next governor." "That's nice, but right now all I care about is proving my brother's innocence." "Johnny, if you're listening, I love you." "[POWER SUPPLY LINE CRACKLES]" "Your turn, Johnny." "The priest you requested has arrived." "PRIEST:" "Are you ready, my son?" " I'm ready if you are, Father." "[PRIEST READS FROM THE BIBLE]" "PRISONER:" "So long, Johnny." "PRIEST:" "Me gust of us." "You gust of us." "We missed the bus." "They missed the bus." "PRISONER:" "Be brave, Johnny." " When's the next bus?" " Always, Nails." " Summa cum laude." "Magna cum laude." "The radio's too laude." "PRISONER:" "Good luck, Johnny." "PRIEST:" "Semper fidelis." "High fidelis." " Why didn't I take shop?" " Post meridian." "Ante meridian." "Uncle Meridian." "All the little Meridians." "PRISONER:" "Goodbye, Johnny." "JOHNNY:" "Goodbye, Rock." " The Magna Carta." "Master Charge you." "PRISONER:" "Spit in his eye, Johnny." " You bet, Rabbi." " Doom procelus." "Lots of Vitalis." "Do you have any last words, Johnny?" "[COCKS GUN]" "Well said!" "JOHNNY:" "Okay, warden." "This is where we say our goodbyes." " Come on." " Johnny?" " You weren't gonna kill me, were you?" "JOHNNY:" "What?" "With this?" "Oh." "[CHUCKLES]" "MAN OVER RADIO:" "Calling all cars Johnny Dangerously has just escaped from state prison." "Hey, ace." "Could I have a popcorn, Milk Duds and a white fish?" " When we gonna give it to him?" " When Cagney gets his in the movie a few minutes from now." "Calling all cars, be on the lookout for Johnny Dangerously and two accomplices in a black sedan." "SERGEANT OVER RADIO:" "I repeat: in a black sedan." "A black sedan, huh?" "We'll just see about that." " I hope this works." " It always does at home, Johnny." "JOHNNY:" "Come on, shelf paper." "MOVIE CHARACTER 1:" "Get back and don't bug me." "MOVIE CHARACTER 2:" "Get out of the way, boss." "[GUNSHOT]" "[SCREAMS]" "Calling all cars, Johnny Dangerously now driving a white sedan disguised as a trout fisherman." "Johnny, we've been spotted." "LIL:" "Peel the next layer." " Someday it'll be in Johnny Jr.'s room." " Sure." "Sure." "MOVIE CHARACTER 1:" "There he goes." "Get him." "MOVIE CHARACTER 2:" "Don't let him get away." "He knows too much." "SERGEANT ON RADIO:" "Calling all cars, be on the look out for Dangerously and accomplices dressed as nuns, driving a sedan covered with you'll love this, duckies and bunnies." "Calling all cars..." "There's something you don't see every day." " Everybody stay where you are." " Alice, keep down." "[GUNSHOT IN MOVIE]" "You might as well come down, Pembroke." "There's no one left but you." "[GUNSHOTS]" "[GASPS]" "VERMIN:" "Ah." "Shit." "[SCREAMING]" "[METAL CLANKING]" "[ORGAN SOUND]" " Johnny, are you okay?" " Sure, kid, I'm fine." "How about you?" " You didn't get hit, did you?" " I don't think so." "JOHNNY:" "Boy, does that thing come in handy." "Johnny, you were gonna take the bullet for me." "Actually, I was counting on a lot of missing." "Oh, Johnny." "LIL:" "Johnny!" "Sorry, Johnny, I have to take you back to the big house." "LIL:" "No!" "Mr. Governor, I have a witness to clear my brother." "That's the man you want." "[CROWD GASPING]" "Officer, you can release this man." "I'm granting him a full pardon." "Thanks, gov." "You shouldn't shoot me, Johnny." "My grandmother shot me once." "Oh, Johnny, darling, you must be exhausted." "Breaking out of prison, racing here in the nick of time and saving your brother's life." "I'd say you had a full day." "Funny, Ma, I'm not even very tired." "It must have been that little nap." "I'll have some stories to tell my grandchildren if I have any." "Lil, what do you say we start a little gang of our own?" " That be okay with you?" " Johnny, I like it." "Kid, I'm gonna make you love it." "[CLAPPING]" "So that's my story." "I hope you learned something from it." "I sure did." "Wow, the electric chair." "Boy, from now on, I'm going straight." "See to it that you do, or I'm coming after you." "Get out of here." "Wait a minute, aren't you forgetting something?" "[CAT MEOWS]" "There you go." "Thanks, Mr. Kelly." "Hey, kid, don't forget crime doesn't pay." "BOY:" "Right." "LIL:" "Johnny!" "Well, it paid a little."