"Man over P.A.:" "flight 229 to Lisbon and Madrid is now boarding at gate 3." "Well, Kendall, we got you to the airport safely." "Now all we have to do is get you on that flight to London." "First I'm gonna get myself a good stiff drink." " But you never drink." " I never drove with you either." "You check your bag, I'm going to report in to the chief." "Okay, 86." "Woman over P.A.:" "Flight 6 leaving for New York," "London and Paris leaving at gate 67." "Now aboard, please." "Hello, Chief, this is Max." "I got Kendall here to the airport without anything going wrong." "This is one CONTROL agent that KAOS is not going to get their hands on." "By this time tomorrow, Kendall will be in London delivering the top-secret defense plans to NATO." "What's that?" "Oh, really?" "Uh, thank you." "Hello, operator." "I just got the wrong number." "Woman over P.A.:" "flight 69 leaving..." " May I help you, sir?" " I'm on flight 10 to London." " I'd like some insurance." " Will that be round trip?" "I certainly hope so." " And your name please?" " Michael Kendall." "If you'll just fill this out, sir." "I just checked in with headquarters." "Are you ready, Kendall?" "In a second, Smart." "I'm putting you down as beneficiary." "Oh, that's very generous of you, Kendall." " Here you are." " Thank you." "Telephone call for Michael Kendall." " Michael Kendall." " That's for me." "Where can I take it, miss?" "You can take it in that booth over there." "Thank you." "Man over P.A.:" "flight 13 for Chicago, and New York now boarding at gate 25." "Hurry up, Kendall." "We've got less than 10 minutes." "Kendall?" "Miss, you know that man that just filled out an insurance policy?" "Yes." "How long do I have to wait before I can file a claim?" "( theme music playing )" "Chief:" "The job was to guard Kendall so KAOS wouldn't get their hands on him!" "How could you have failed so miserably?" "!" "21 of our top agents have disappeared in the last six months!" "Kendall was the most important man left!" "How could you have let him disappear from under your very nose?" "!" "You nincompoop!" " Who's he talking to?" " Nobody." "He's rehearsing." "Eh, rehearsing, yes." "Tell him something came up and we couldn't make it." "Max, you've got to go in." "He's expecting you." "Eh..." " Hello, Chief." " Hi, Chief." "Hello, 99." "Larrabee, tell Smart" "I'm going to talk to him through you because I don't want to talk to him personally." "I don't blame you." "He handled this assignment like an incompetent nincompoop." " I like that!" " You did?" " I didn't like it at all." " Larrabee, tell Smart I want a detailed explanation right now." "Right, Chief." "The Chief wants" "Don't you talk to me, Larrabee," " after what you just called me." " 99, will you" "Do you think I'd have anything to do with you after what you called my husband?" " Chief, they won't talk to me." " I don't blame them." "I'm in charge here." "What right do you have to give a personal opinion?" " Well, I just thought" " Don't talk to me." " 99, tell Max" " If you can't talk to my husband, don't bother talking to me either." "Well, this is ridiculous." "We're supposed to be having a meeting and nobody's talking to anybody." "Larrabee, tell Max I'm sorry." " I'm not talking to you, Chief." " Look, we got off on the wrong foot, and it's getting us nowhere." "If I offended anybody in this office," "I apologize." "Max, what do you think happened to Kendall?" "Well, Chief, I've been giving it a lot of thought." " And I have a theory." " I'd like to hear it." "Okay, Chief, here it is" "CONTROL Agent Kendall went into that telephone booth and disappeared." " Go on." " That's my theory." "That's it?" "Well, it may be your theory, but it's not much of an explanation." "I want to know everything that happened from the moment you walked into that terminal." "Okay, Chief." "Well..." "I walked into the terminal, then I looked around to see if the coast was clear." "Then I nodded for Kendall to follow me." " Then what, Max?" " Then I told him to check his luggage at the baggage counter while I telephoned you at headquarters." " Go ahead." " Then I went to the insurance counter, and that's when I heard him paged on the telephone." "Paged on the phone?" "That's impossible!" "Why?" "They have a phone here." "No, Max, Kendall was traveling under a Code Z." "The only ones who knew about his flight were you and me, and I didn't phone him!" "But somebody must've telephoned him, Chief, because I was with him when he was paged!" "And then I followed him to the telephone just before he disappeared." "Come on." "We are government agents." " We'd like to ask you a few questions." " Certainly." "Did you page a Michael Kendall this morning?" " Kendall?" " Mm-hmm." "Kendall... sounds familiar, But it's hard for me to say." "So many people come through here during the course of the day." "But if you did page him, would you call him from this counter?" "Yes, we use this microphone right here." "Thank you." "Come on, Max." "Government agents." "Yes, I have it." "Telephone call for Mr. Harold Clark." " Mr. Harold Clark." " Max, listen." "They just paged Harold Clark!" "Of course!" "It was Harold Clark who phoned Kendall!" "No, Max, that's my code name." "I'm Harold Clark." "You'd better answer the phone, Harold." "It's just possible that whoever phoned Kendall this morning could also be phoning me." "You're right." "Come on, you can use this phone over here." "Keep your eyes open, Max." "Man over P.A.:" "Will Mr. JR Koleser-- will Mr. JR Koleser please report to the information counter?" "Hey, Chief, that girl at the counter is..." "Chief?" "Chief!" " Uh, miss." " Yes, sir?" "Do you have a lost and found?" " Hello?" " Yes?" "No, the Chief isn't here." " I'll tell him you called, Senator." " ( phone rings )" "Hello?" "No, the Chief isn't here." "I'm sorry." "Thank you." "99:" "I'll have him call the White House as soon as he gets in." " Hello?" " These orders have to be signed by the Chief and delivered to the Pentagon immediately." "They can't be signed now, the Chief isn't here." " I'm sorry, the Chief isn't here." " I have worse news" "Harvey just closed the CONTROL delicatessen and went home." "You're kidding." "Why?" "With only three CONTROL agents left in Washington, he can't afford to stay open any longer." "Right, just as soon as he gets in." "What are we gonna do?" "There's only one thing we can do-- eat across the street at Angelo's." "How can you think of food at a time like this?" "!" "99, the only thing we can do is to appoint a Temporary Chief of CONTROL from among the three of us." "And whoever it is will have to be highly-intelligent, completely fearless, with an acute sense of command and organization." " Max, can I call my wife?" " What for?" "I want to see if it's all right with her before I take on all that extra work." "I wasn't thinking of you, Larrabee." "I was thinking of myself for the job." "Oh, I have to call my wife anyway, Max." "Oh, Max, I think that's a marvelous idea!" "You have more experience than any of us." "Well, all right, 99." "I'll accept the job." "Now, what's the first thing you think I should do as the Temporary Chief of CONTROL?" " Reopen the CONTROL Delicatessen." " I mean after that." "Don't you think the first thing we ought to do is to the find the Chief?" "She's right, 86." "They may kill him." "I don't think they'll do that, Larrabee." "The Chief has been the 22nd agent that they've kidnapped." "Now with all those men and all that knowledge," "I doubt very much if KAOS will kill them." "They must be keeping them prisoner somewhere." " But where?" " There's only one way to find out." " How?" " I'm gonna have myself kidnapped." "No, Max!" "I'm not gonna let you sacrifice yourself like that!" "She's right, Max." "Let me go." "Are you saying that because I'm married, Larrabee?" "No, Max, I'm saying that because I'm married." "How do you intend to get yourself kidnapped, Max?" "99, when the Chief and Kendall went down to the airport, they were both paged to that telephone." "When they went inside that telephone booth, they both disappeared." "Larrabee, give me 20 minutes to get to the airport, then I want you to call and have me paged to the telephone." "Unless I miss my guess, in an hour I'll be missing." " Be careful, Max." " Don't worry, 99." "I'll call you as soon as I'm captured." "Max, if they capture you, they're not gonna let you use the telephone." "You're right, 99." "You'd better call me." "Telephone call for Maxwell Smart." "Maxwell Smart." "Again." " Hello?" " Hi, Max." "Did you disappear yet?" "No, I didn't disappear yet." "I don't understand it." "They probably don't realize how vital I am to CONTROL." "Do you want me to call them and tell them?" "No, I don't want you to call them and tell them." "I want you to call them and have me paged." "And this time try and make me sound as important as you can." "Telephone call for President Maxwell Smart." "President Maxwell Smart." " President Maxwell Smart." " That's an important phone call" "Take it in your usual booth, Mr. President." " Thank you." " Man over P.A.:" "This is the final call for flight 13 to Miami." "Adios, amigos." " Hello." " Hi, Max." "Are you all right?" "Yes, I'm all right, 99." "Nothing's happened so far." " ( phone buzzes )" " Yes?" "Don't you think we ought to get rid of him?" "We can't!" "He's not on our list of important CONTROL agents." "But he knows there's something unusual about that phone booth." "I'd feel better if we got rid of him." "Perhaps you're right." "I hate to bother you at work, but I was about to cook dinner and I didn't know whether to cook for one or two." "The way things are going, you might as well cook for two." "It doesn't look like I'm going to be disappearing tonight." "I'll talk to you later, 99." "Goodbye." "Hang up, Smart." " So you're in on this." " KAOS Agent Nova at your service." "So that's how you did it." "The old check-the-baggage- take-out-the-insurance- page-'em-to-the-phones- spin-the-booth trick." "It's an old trick, Smart, but it's an effective one, as 22 of your CONTROL agents before you can vouch." "All right, Nova." "There's just one question I'd like to ask and then I'm putting you under arrest." "How can you put me under arrest when I'm holding the gun?" "Uh, that was my question." "Go on." "Woman:" "Nova!" "All right." "Come on, get out of there." " What happened to him?" " I thought he was you." "Oh really?" "I don't think he looks anything at all like me." "All right, Mr. Smart, you can take me in." "That's exactly what I'm gonna do." "Before I do that, there are some things I'd like to know." "And you can start off by telling me what happened to the 22 CONTROL agents that disappeared." "They're being held prisoners." "Fall in!" "Fall in!" "Aus!" "On the double!" "Keep it moving!" "Hurry it up!" "Achtung!" "You will now be addressed by the commandant of this camp," "Colonel Ludwig Von Siegfried!" "( imitating trumpet )" "( grunts )" "Prisoners of Camp Gitchie Goomee..." "Noonee Wa-wa, you have been beaten, tortured, starved, maimed und racked, und now the picnic is over!" " Sir." " What is it, Chief of CONTROL?" "I have only been here a few days, but as commanding officer of these men," "I must register a protest." "The food, the clothing and the sanitary conditions in this camp are disgraceful and intolerable." "Tell it to the marines, baldy!" " I demand something be done." " It doesn't matter." "You prisoners will not be staying here much longer." "Because arriving today from our glorious fatherland, South America, is a man who will transport you behind the Iron Curtain" "Major Fritz Kessler, the Beast of Buenos Aires!" "I thought Kessler was coming next week." "I thought so too, but he just called und said he would be arriving immediately." "I'll send a motorcycle escort to meet him at the gate." "Oh, he'll be so impressed with the motorcycles going... ( imitating motorcycle engine, raspberry )" "Uh, Shtarker?" "This is KAOS." "We don't..." "( raspberry ) here." "Anyway, it's already taken care of." "Und there's Kessler now." "Welcome, Major Kessler." "Tell me, did you have any trouble finding the camp?" "( German accent ) No, but we did have a little trouble with the police." " What happened?" " They stopped us at a roadblock." " What for?" " I don't know." "They are stopping all KAOS command cars today." "Well, Colonel Siegfried, you have done a splendid job here with the camp." "The high commander is very pleased." " Danke schon." " All over the world, brave men are trembling at the mere mention of the name Gitchie..." "Gitchie Goomee Noonee Wa-wa." "They are scared to death of that name." "Tell me, Colonel Siegfried, is it true, the stories I have heard?" "Oh, well, every once in a while" "Shtarker and I do go into Passaic." "We have a few drinks, und, uh..." "#Chicka-chicka- chicka-uh!" "#" " Colonel Siegfried." " Ja?" "This is KAOS." "We don't, uh..." " Chicka-chicka-chicka?" " We don't do that here." "Would the major care to inspect the prisoners?" "Bring them out." " They are already out." " This is all the prisoners you have?" "No, we have six more in the sweatbox." "He'll be out in one hour." ""He"?" "You said six." "Six go in, one comes out." "The heat..." "fuses them together." "Ah." "I will look them over." "Tell me, Shtarker, who does Major Kessler remind you of?" " Hans Gruber?" " Nein nein, an American." " Mickey Gruber." " Don't push it, Shtarker." "( normal voice ) Don't let on, Henderson." "It's me, Smart." "Wilkinson, pass the word" "I'm breaking you out of here tonight." "Don't worry, old timer." "I'll get you out." "Chief, it's me, Max." "Max?" "!" "How'd you find us?" "The girl at the insurance counter, she talked." "You'll never get away with it." "Siegfried'll recognize you." "Not with this eye patch, scar and mustache, he won't." "Kendall, you've got a lot of nerve." "That was only a $500 policy you left me." " Uh, Major Kessler?" " We'll break out tonight." "Siegfried:" "It's much too hot out here." "Won't you join me in my quarters for some schnapps?" "( German accent ) Thank you, Colonel Siegfried, but I'd much rather have a drink." "Major, ever since you arrived" "I've been trying to place where I've seen you before." "Have you ever been to Tobruk?" " Nein." " Dunkirk?" " Nein." " How about Berkeley?" "You know, Colonel Siegfried... you are doing a splendid job here at the camp." "Who knows, the way things are going-- today Passaic, tomorrow the world!" "Tell me, Colonel Siegfried, where do you keep the file on the prisoners?" " In the top drawer." " Ah!" "Good." "Now I know who you remind me of." "Oh." "Who is that?" "You'll probably laugh, but you remind me of CONTROL Agent Maxwell Smart." "Did you say, "Maxwell Smart"?" "Ja, Maxwell Smart." "( chuckles )" "Huh!" "That is the funniest thing I have ever heard, Siegfried." "Maxwell Smart, eh?" "You have a delightful sense of humor." "I drink to it." "Siegfried:" "No, really, if not for the eye patch und the moustache on your glass, I would swear" "On your glass?" "You are Maxwell Smart!" "Shtarker!" "( yells in German )" " Never mind, Shtarker." " But he'll get away, Siegfried!" "I don't think so." "This window overlooks the kennels." "He'll be torn to shreds!" "Shtarker, release the dogs!" "( dogs barking )" "( theme music playing )"