"You're lucky, you know." "I rarely allow anyone into my flat." "I know, I know, I know." "Humble digs." "Not exactly what you'd call|a "panty peeler. "" "Do you know what I mean?" "But it suits me just fine." "To be honest, I rarely spend a night|in my own bed anyway." "You see, here's my theory:" "For most women, if a guy's|a good provider and generally a nice chap, six-pack|abs really aren't a deal-breaker." "On the flip side, however, even though the PC boyfriend|sat next to you with his arm slung around|your shoulder will deny it..." "And he will deny it." "For us boys,|it's all about F.B.B." "Face." "Boobs." "Bum." "I'm just being honest." "It's been said that clothes|speak the international language." "And I have to admit,|" "I'm a bit of a fashion whore." "Unfortunately, today I've got work,|and I have to tone it down a little bit, but that's all right." "Gucci.|" "End-of-summer sale." "Very understated.|" "And I can easily spice it up with..." "What?" "No, no." "I know|what you are thinking." "If you ooze masculinity,|" "like some of us do, you have no reason to fear pink.|" "Smashing." "Now, in the cologne department,|most men overdo it." "Americans practically spray it on|with a crop-duster." "My rule:" "Nothing above the neck, though I do like a little splash|on Big Ben." "You never know|where the day may take you." "Almost forgot." "New word for the day." ""Ostentatious:" "The attempt|to attract attention to oneself."" "Who?" "Me?" "Oh, blimey." "I'm so rude.|" "I haven't introduced myself." " I'm...|" " Alfie?" "There you go." "Alfie." "Are you the little elf that left these|mocha bonbons on my doorstep?" "No, no, no." "You must have|a secret admirer, Mrs Schnitman." "You are such a doll, Alfie.|" "But I'm supposed to be on a diet." "Oh, on a diet?" " A diet.|" " You?" " Yeah.|" " Now, I don't mean to be forward, Lu, but you should know by now|that a full-figured girl like yourself" " is every guy's secret fantasy.|" " Stop it." "So she's a tub of lard.|" "The ship's already sailed, so why not make her|feel good about herself, right?" " Oh, Lu?" "|" " Yes, angel?" "I'm working the night spot, and my apartment is a horror show,|so I'm sorry if I keep you up" " with the dust-busting at 2 a.m.|" " Oh, don't you worry." " I'll give it a quick straighten.|" " Oh, no, no, you don't need to that." "Nonsense.|" "I like doing things for you, Alfie." "I'm a blessed man|having you in my life." "Thank you." "Keys are in the usual spot." "Now, back home, you're always|hearing tales about some bloke migrating to the States and winding|up with buckets of money." "So not long ago, I packed up|my bucket and headed west." "Now, I must admit,|" "I had a second motive." "I'd always been told that the most|beautiful women in the world resided in Manhattan." "And when it comes to shagging birds,|it's all about one thing:" "Location, location, location." "God, I love this city.|" "All right, girls." "Just look around." "I mean,|every one of them, unique, special, like snowflakes." "And with such a plethora..." "Calendar word meaning "abundance,"|of gorgeousness and diversity, well, how could a man ever choose|to settle down with just one?" "I myself subscribe more|to the European philosophy of life." "My priorities leaning towards|wine, women..." "Well, actually, that's about it." "Wine and women." "Although, women and women|is always a fun option." "So to live life to the fullest," "I require only enough|to cover my modest expenses." "I've no desire to be the richest stiff|in the cemetery." "I think this might just be my|favourite position." "I know it was President Kennedy's." "He was such a great leader." "Of course, JFK used the old|bad-back excuse, but if you ask me, he knew|it gave you maximum pleasure with minimum exertion." "What is it about the back of a limo?" "Obligatory cuddling." "Thousand one, thousand two..." "Cripes." "Hey, I've gotta get cracking.|" "I've got a 10:00 pickup." "You better hurry up.|" "You don't want to keep her waiting." "Quite the number, isn't she?" "Yet, she tells me her old man|hasn't shagged her in six months." "Six months." "I mean, thank God|there are gentlemen like me around to pick up the slack." "Just look at her.|" "Legs like a racehorse." "Perfect yoga bum." "I give her|my highest grade:" "A-minus." "Where did we tell the old man|we were going tonight?" " A movie.|" " Treasure, please, no, no, no." "Stop messing about.|" "You'll ruin my presets." " Sorry.|" " What movie?" "I don't know." "What's the difference?" "The difference is, the more detail|you give, the less interested he'll be." "It wouldn't matter what I said." "It would never occur to Phil|that another man" " would ever look twice at me.|" " Dor, darling, you fishing for a compliment?" "No." "You should know by now they only|come from me when least expected." "Now, come and have a mint so Phil|doesn't smell the Alfie on your breath." "I don't care if he does." "There's one thing that puts me|off marriage:" "It's married women." "Dorie doesn't know it yet, but you won't be seeing|much more of her." "I've got that all-too-familiar feeling." "Sooner or later, she'll be wanting|a little bit more than I'm able to give." "Wouldn't it be great if I was|going home with you tonight instead of Phil the Pill?" "Yeah." "It's definitely time|to stage a disappearing act." "So next Tuesday,|same time, same place?" "I'm sorry, love, it's Fashion Week.|" "I'm booked double shifts." " I'll call you the instant things let up.|" " Okay." "In the meantime, I left you|a little souvenir to remember me by." "Oh, Dor?" "Your derrière looks really rather|ravishing from this vantage point." "See?" "A compliment when least expected." "What can I say?" "|" "Happy as a pup with two tails." "And I think I've done old Phil|a bit of a favour too." "Of course, he'd be the last to see it." "Never expect any thanks in this life." "You know what I mean?" "|" "So Tuesday 10:03 p.m." "Do I drag myself home|to a cold flat, empty fridge, or nip across town for a hot bath,|warm body, breakfast in bed?" "Decisions, decisions..." "Yeah, I think I'll pay a visit|to my semi-regular, quasi, sort of girlfriend." "My sweet Julie." "Let me guess.|" "Unexpected last-minute fare." "Yeah." "She had me going|up and down for hours." "That supposed to be funny?" "|" "Because it is so very..." "Not." "Hey!" "I'm not kidding, Alfie!" "I'm not kidding." "I hate you sometimes." "You have a very ostentatious way|of showing it." "Yeah, I sure do." "No, darling." "Can we hit pause?" "|" "I just need a second to unwind." "Oh, I nicked half a bottle|of Stoli from the limo." "How do you want yours,|on the rocks?" "I just want my usual, Alfie." "Straight up." "No, I'm so totally knackered.|" "I'll make it up to you in the morning." "Cross my heart." "But tonight, all I'm good for|is a bite to eat, hot bath and a nice long sleep." "You know, this isn't|a Holiday Inn, Alfie." "What's that again?" "Where were you tonight?" "Really?" "You've got to open a restaurant.|" "That's seriously delicious." "Thanks, Alfie." "It's just chilli." "Hey." "A little eye contact, please." "We have something here, or am I just a glorified booty call?" "Hey." "Hey." "Here's what she's really saying:" "She wants me to commit.|" "Translation:" "Become "domestified."" "Now, it doesn't do to become|dependent on anybody in this life." "Change your nature,|you're a dead man." "Chilli, please." "Don't get me wrong.|" "She's adorable." "Cute?" "Absolutely.|" "But is it ever enough?" "I told you how we men are.|" "We want showstoppers." "And the problem is,|" "Julie hasn't got enough of the superficial things|that really matter." " I don't deserve you.|" " Yeah, that's probably true." "Too bad I love you." "Thanks, babe." " Alfie, Alfie...|" " What?" "You're giving me the "Thanks, babe."" "You're giving me the "Thanks, baby."" " Calm down.|" " Don't tell me to calm down!" " I know how you feel!" "|" " Wait a minute." " You're gonna wake up...|" " Max." "Hey, little man." "Did we wake you up?" "Yes." "Now, lads, learn from my mistake." "Never get involved|with a single mum." "See, they come with accessories, some of which can be unfortunately, irresistible." "Sights like that make you realize|we all have an expiration date." "And women do have a shorter|shelf life than men, don't they?" "I think that's what Julie|was banging on about yesterday." "Elegant Limousine and Chauffeur." "This is where I make|my reasonably honest living." "Standards of elegance has taken|quite a pounding, wouldn't you say?" "I know." "Believe me,|it's merely a stepping stone." "Currently parked on one|of those stepping stones is my best mate and future|business partner, Marlon." "Black." "Like Lonette's skin which I will never again touch." "I'm afraid you're not meeting|my man on top form." "See, Marlon's got a problem." "It's called Lonette." "And very recently, it dumped him." "Oh, dear." "Come on,|what was it this time?" "Three a.m. Begging, at her front door." " Level of inebriation?" "|" " Vomiting." "Right." "So let me get this straight.|" "You were at her front door, 3 a.m. In the morning,|begging and vomiting?" "And what,|she wasn't charmed by that?" "Alfie?" "Why is there no Stoli|in car number two?" "I've no idea." "I gotta watch this guy like a hawk." "That little chap's name is Wing." "My boss and owner|of this tragic enterprise." " Wipe that car good.|" " Owner, that is, till me and Marlon swing a loan and buy it out|from underneath his scrawny..." "Hello." "You miss bird shit." "Wing." "He's barking mad." "Check out the way he talks|to the little woman." "She's given him her best years,|cooked his chop suey, helped with the business, and I bet|at one time he couldn't wait to rip off her kimono.|" "And now look at him." "And I'm supposed to respect|the institution of marriage?" "That's a great figure, man.|" "We swing that loan, cash your IRA, I hock my Vespa..." "We're gonna take Wing|by surprise with an offer like this." "I could've predicted this." "See,|" "Marlon and Lonette have reached that critical 18-month "Where are|we going, what are we doing, what's happening here? " crisis point|that rears its ugly head in every relationship.|" "Lonette wanted ring, home, baby." "Marlon wanted another 18 months to make sure nothing better|was coming his way." "I fucked up egregiously." "I see you're making the most|of that birthday calendar." "By the time he realized he'd made|a mistake and he wanted her back it was too late.|" " Hey, stranger." "Hey." "Carol." " Carol." "Hi, Carol.|" " Hi." "You look wonderful." "So, Carol, well, it's nice|to see you again." "You be well." "What's up with that?" "Put it this way, the show closed|after one performance only." " Do I even wanna know why?" "|" " No." "Come on, it would be less than discreet|to tell you why." "Hair on the arms." "Seriously.|" "Long, thick..." "What are you talking about?" "|" "You don't have hair on your arms?" " You're looking very lovely tonight.|" " Thank you." "Dude, the iron door|has slammed shut, man." "Classic, isn't it?" "Now that he can't have her,|he thinks he can't live without her." "Some people are funny." "Marlon's predicament got me thinking|about my own situation." "Maybe..." "Maybe it was time|to stoke the home fires." "Anybody in the mood|for a little Alfie, straight up?" "Oh, this isn't a good time, Alfie.|" "Got a lot on my mind." "Oh, God." "Yeah, I really hate|when that happens." "Open up, baby.|" "You look seriously beautiful." " Not tonight, Alfred.|" " What's the matter?" "Tell me." "I don't..." "I'm just...|" "Well, I guess I'm..." "I'm just..." "I'm just seeing red." "I mean, the poor guy, he's dying." "Come on, haven't you...?" "|" "You've tortured him long enough." "Alfie, he should've thought|about all that before he was screwing around|with that ex-girlfriend of his." "Those fake-ass, $5 titties." " Those are fake?" "|" " Hello?" "Wow, I'm devastated.|" "They've got, like..." "Alfie, you're supposed to be consoling|my devastation, remember?" "I am." "Look, he came back, didn't he?" "Begging, crawling on his knees,|vomiting..." "I don't care." "I'm sorry, I'm not that easy." "I don't|forgive and I definitely do not forget." " Is okay if I leave now, miss?" "|" " Oh, sí, Felix." "And hit the lights on your way out,|por favor." "I better go." "It's really coming down out there." "Yeah." "And I'm wearing suede." "You're telling the truth." "That's brilliant." "Okay." "I got one." "I never swam|in the Pacific Ocean." " Me neither.|" " Oh, shit." "Okay." "Okay." "I've never seen|a James Bond movie." "You're joking.|" "Not even a Sean Connery?" "You serious?" "Wow, I don't know|if that's magic or tragic." "Okay." "Five ball." "My go." " I've never made my own bed.|" " Oh, bullshit." "No, I repeat, I've never|made my own bed." "Well, what kind of mama you got?" "That's a good question." "Let's see." "All right." " I got something for you.|" " All right." "I've never had sex..." "I've never had sex|with two people in one night." "Six-five, your favour." "Gotcha." "So, Alfie, what's the most|you've had in one night?" "We've stopped playing the game,|haven't we?" "Am I wrong, or is there a little|innocent flirting going on here?" "Driftin' on a memory" "Ain't no place I'd rather be|" "Than with you" "Loving you" "See, if I had that kind of talent..." "And a song" " Go on, finish your sentence.|" " If I had that kind of talent, and I looked like you..." "And a song ...I would be strutting my stuff|" " Oh, yeah?" "On a stage." "Trust me, what happens next|was the furthest thing from my mind when I dropped by tonight." "But then I thought to myself," ""You know what?" "If this will help her get past|her anger towards Marlon," "I owe it to both of them,|as a friend, right?" "To do whatever I can to help. "" "I find that, lately, even lying to myself comes easily." "The next morning, and I can't|get last night out of my mind." "Try desperately to focus|on something else, anything else." "Anything to get my mind|off my best friend's incredibly hot, best-ass-I've-ever-seen-in-my-life|girlfriend." "Alfie." "Alfie." " Alfie!" "|" " Shall I pretend I can't hear him?" "Dude." " Hey!" "|" " Too late." "Too late." " Dude, would you slow down?" "|" " Hey, Marly, what's up?" ""Marly"?" "Hey, listen, I gotta talk to you.|" "You ain't going nowhere till you tell me|what went down last night." " Down last night?" "|" " Dude, don't mess with me." "What happened with Lonette?" "Have you ever heard|the word "knock"?" " What went down?" "|" " What?" "Nothing happened." " We had a few shots.|" " Missus give me silent treatment." "Little she know, not hearing constant|"blah, blah, blah" is gift from heaven." "You keep it up." "Keep it up,|mate, it'll work." "Alfie, what happened?" "Oh, fuck a duck, man." "Look, I..." " I drank a lot last night.|" " Drunk." "Well, I..." "I really..." "I don't remember." " Dude, you did something to her.|" " No." "Oh, yeah, you did.|" "Because she shows up at my house, at 4 in the morning,|saying that she wanted me back." "She even said|that if I needed more time, that she understood completely." "How fucking crazy." "Chalk one up for the blokes.|" "Thanks to me, Marlon won the game." "Which means he's off scot-free,|and so am I." "This is a bloody miracle.|" "That's fantastic." "Fantastic." " Come on, what did you say to her?" "|" " Look, look." " It's all good.|" " Come on, what did you say?" "I asked her to marry me." "You know you're my best man, right?" "Moral of the story:" "No good deed goes unpunished." "New word for the day?" ""Resilience:" "The ability to readily recover|after disappointment or loss."" "Capacity to spring back." "Understand, it's not|about replacing Julie." "I just wanna get back|to the simple life:" "Women who mean nothing to me." "So I've struck up a friendship|with a nightclub hostess called Uta." "Hello, Uta." "Now, as a heat-seeking bachelor," "I have to live|by some very simple rules." "Alfie Elkins' credo or philosophy, which is probably best summed up|by the only advice my father ever gave me." "He said, "Son, whenever you|meet a beautiful woman just remember, somewhere there's|a bloke who's sick of shagging her."" " Can I help you, man?" "|" " G and T, please." "Explain to me what everyone sees|in that Eurotrash?" "I think it's incredibly unfair|that it's acceptable for men to be sexually experimental,|then with a woman, if she wants to try something...|" "A kiss or a threesome." "You know, that they'd be judged.|" "I wouldn't judge them." "And I think if you two were to kiss,|" "I would..." "I would just..." "I would just see it|as a thing of beauty." "Although I'm living every guy's|" "Rat Pack fantasy, something feels a bit off." "And throwing myself|back into the old lifestyle isn't going quite as smoothly|as I'd hoped." "Sorry." "I'm sorry." "You carry on without me." "Oh, my loves, I..." "I don't know what happened.|" "This is so unlike me." "Yeah, you..." "You two just..." "I used to think|there was nothing worse than death." "Then, from out of nowhere the unthinkable." "Now I really don't get|what everyone sees in you." "It just keeps on happening|and happening." "Or more accurately, not happening|and not happening." "This never happens, Uta.|" "Honestly, never." "Honestly." "Not the word around town peewee." "Mr Elkins?" "Miranda Kulp." "Miranda." "The penis doctor is a he|with a little bit of she thrown in." "So I understand you're experiencing|some erectile dysfunction." "I am experiencing a little..." "A little...|" "A little bit of..." "What you just said." "Not to worry.|" "That's my area of expertise." "So have you been under any unusual|emotional stress lately, Mr Elkins?" "Stress?" "Emotional?" "Me?" "No, never." "Well, unless you count|that recent chat I had with Julie." "I can't see you anymore, Alfie." " Why?" "You angry?" "|" " No, I'm really not angry." "Just, you know,|we want different things." "And I can't have you traipsing|in and out of Max's life." "You've changed your hair,|haven't you?" "You have, haven't you?" "|" "No, you have." "You've changed your hairdo.|" "You cut it?" "It looks gorgeous." " Thanks.|" " How come...?" "How come you never had it like that|when we were together?" "I really gotta go." "Well, I guess you need these back." "Thank you." "Alfie?" "You gonna be okay?" "Yeah." "No worries." "I'm always okay." "Alrighty, let's take a gander|at that penis of yours." "I see." "Well." " It seems we have lift-off.|" " It seems we do." "Wunderschön." "What a relief." "Well, I mean, if he can give me|a stiffy, I should have no problem keeping it up for the target|demographic, shouldn't I?" "Well, there doesn't appear|to be anything physiologically wrong, so, in short, we can be|fairly certain your problem" " was simply stress-related.|" " Translation:" "Julie-related." "Like I always say, if they don't get you|one way, they'll get you another." "However," " I did feel something a little kooky.|" " Kooky?" "There is nothing to get upset about,|" "Mr Elkins." "I thought I felt a lump on your penis." "But with any luck, it will be nothing." "The words "lump" and "penis"|in the same sentence." "There's something|you don't hear every day." "And so young Alfred|got an early Yuletide gift." "A penis biopsy." "I get my test results in three days...|" "Well, five." "Five counting the weekend.|" "Oh, Lord." "Oh, Lord." "How am I gonna stop myself|going completely bonkers?" "I'll be fine." "I'll be fine." "I'm a young man." "Shift focus, Alfie." "Shift..." "Let's go, kids." "Let's go." "Move along, children.|" "Look straight ahead." "Come on." "Do not look at the man.|" "Look straight ahead." "In the meantime, perhaps I'm safer|hobbling on home." "Alfie, dear, what's wrong?" "|" "You look like death warmed over." "No, I've just..." "I've got a bit of|a football injury, that's all," "Mrs Schnitman...|" "Hello, Mrs Liberman." "You two look lovely.|" "Where you going?" " Shopping." "You need anything?" "|" " I'm fine." "Hello." "Can I talk to you for a minute?" "Ladies, this is my friend Lonette." "She's lovely." "Good for you,|dating an African-American." "Yeah." "Hey." "Hey, girl." "I missed you." "Don't mind us." "We're not here.|" "You kids keep talking." " Very nice to meet you.|" " See you, Mrs Liberman." "Shop till you drop, girls." "So how have you been?" "I'm pregnant." "It seems to me the problems you worry yourself|sick about never seem to materialize." "It's the ones that catch you|unexpectedly on a Wednesday afternoon|that knock you sideways." "I offered to face the music|with her but she wanted to go it alone." "We both knew that if the baby|was born with any white-boy features it would mean the end|of Lonette and Marlon." "Not to mention your host|for this evening." "But standing in the cold,|" "I find myself having regrets." "Thinking thoughts like," ""Here's another kid you'll never|get a chance to know." "Your own. "" "Didn't take long." "Bloody hell, you're freezing." "How do you feel?" "Empty." "That night in the bar, I thought|" "I was getting something for nothing." "Doesn't seem to have worked out|that way, does it?" "Oh, man." "If everything turns out okay,|maybe this little brush with mortality is a sign." "I should think about making...|" "Making some changes." "Possibly." " Next week.|" " Excuse me." "Did I just...?" "Did you just look at me?" "|" "Did I just notice you turn away?" "Look, if you know the results|to my tests, and they're telling you..." " Mr Elkins.|" " Please." "Please." "Mr Elkins, for the millionth time,|sit down." "Mr Belson, I have a cancellation|on Tuesday at 11:30." "I'm gonna be fine." " I just feel it.|" " Thank you." "Goodbye." "I'll just be a minute." "Or ten." " It's all right." "Take your time.|" " I don't have a choice." "I used to pee." "Now I trickle." " I'm Joe." "What's your name?" "|" " Alfie." "So how you doing, Alfie?" " Hanging in." "You?" "|" " Shitty." "Yeah, me too." "Me too." " I like the bolo tie.|" " Oh, thanks." "I have a collection." "You know, when you're old,|you learn to be patient." "Yeah." "Used to be I never|had time for nothing." "Go, go, go." " I know that feeling.|" " Yeah." "My wife was always hawking me|to take a little vacation." "Hawaii." "Reno." "I always said,|"Next year, Evie, next year." "I got too much on my platter."" "I always thought|" "I'd have more time." "Then one Sunday night,|she takes the pot roast out of the oven." "Yells, "Soup's on,"|and slumps to the kitchen floor." "Just like that." "Dead as disco." "Jesus, I'm sorry." "I tried picking up the pieces." "Even went to Waikiki alone|on the 8-day cruise package she was always yakking about." "Couldn't get Evie out of my mind." "There's two things|" "I learned in life, kid:" "You find someone to love, and live every day|as though it were your last." "She's all yours, Alfie." "Enjoy." "You all right, son?" "Yeah." "I hope so." "Look, if you ever get bored|or feel like schmoozing give me a holler." " You'll never call.|" " Maybe I will." "All right, good." "We'll go to a bar|together, hit on some chicks." "Damn right." "Thanks, Joe." "Hey." "I'm sorry about Evie." "We weren't all that fond|of each other but we were very close." " If you know what I mean.|" " I think I do." "I've been thinking a lot lately|about God and death." "And how, if what they taught me|in Bible class is true," "I'm really in for it." "But I won't be partying|with Lucifer any time soon, because my test results|were negative." "I'm gonna live!" "I'm gonna live!" "I ruined my Prada lace-ups|and I don't care." "Don't think I've forgotten my oath|to completely change my life, because I haven't." "Carrot-apple with a dash|of wheat grass." "Yep." "Health is now priority number one." "Business plan|moves onto the fast track." " If you say so...|" " Tonight's preview at St. Ambrose..." "No, I definitely don't want to talk.|" "Okay, hold on, what else have I got?" "Okay, yeah." "All right, if we must, we must, but..." "New slate." "New beginning." " What's your name, driver?" "|" " Alfie, sir." "Wait here, Alfie." "Do you know how long|you're gonna be, roughly?" " You got someplace to go?" "|" " No, I was just gonna nip off" " and get a cup of tea.|" " Look, why don't you just stay put." "Yea or nay?" "A definite yea, I think." "Really." "Stunning.|" "Wouldn't you say so, sir?" "I'm sorry, didn't I ask you|to wait by the car?" "I reckoned I should help|the lady with her packages." "Definite yea?" "I think." "With one minor..." " May I?" "|" " You may." "Adjustment." "Bullfighter." "Another lifetime.|" "Don't ask." "Fifty, if she's a day." "But don't they say 50|is the new 40, and is she not living proof?" "I mean, have a look.|" "Beautifully preserved." "And cleavage|" "like the Holland Tunnel." " Better?" "|" " Much." "You are so right to trust Chanel.|" "A pair of hot-pink stilettos, and you're good to go." " Well, aren't you Mr Full-Service?" "|" " We try." " He's getting a little pissy, isn't he?" "|" " Oh, it's fine." "It's good for him." " Is your husband a lot older than you?" "|" " He's not my husband." "He's wearing a wedding ring." "Well, I never said he wasn't|somebody else's husband." " Grab the stuff from the trunk?" "|" " You got it." "Cheers." "Ma'am, if you require|my services in the future." "Happy Christmas, sir." "Ma'am." "Now that, my friends,|is a real woman." "Smart and sexy and..." "You noticed the little flirt|going on between us, huh?" "Makes me think, if a woman like that,|of that calibre should take notice|of a bloke like me, then, perhaps..." "Perhaps I'm selling myself|a bit short." "In a flash," "I have my New Year's resolution." "Aim higher." "Catastrophic." "Doomed." "Desolate." "Cataclysmic." "Bought him a word-of-the-day|calendar for Christmas." "Big mistake." "Holiday season,|busiest time of the year." "I try to run a business." " What's the problem, Mr Wing?" "|" " Your soul brother." "He quit." "In the letter Marlon left me,|he called me his best friend but apologized for bailing|on our business scheme." "He said his whole thing now|was to make Lonette happy." "They decided,|on the spur of the moment, to move upstate, and I had a standing|invite to drop by any time." "Somehow Lonette|convinced Marlon it would be too painful|to say our goodbyes in person." "And to make matters worse, it all dovetails into|the second loneliest night of the year:" "Christmas Eve." "A night that brings on all those|familiar festive feelings of hopelessness,|anguish, despair." "Not a great time to be flying solo." "That's why I'm of the belief|couples should never split up between Thanksgiving|and January 2nd." "Always have a relationship to see|you through the holidays." "Always." "The downside, of course, being gifts." "Personally, I've always|suspected that everyone else is having a far merrier|" "Christmas than I am." "Not that I've ever actually|had a Christmas." "That's a whole other Dickens story." "Taxi." "Taxi." "Excuse me." "I'm sorry, mate, it's against the law|for me to carry any more than..." "Thank the Lord." "A Christmas miracle." "All right, hop in." "Thanks for saving us.|" "I was freezing my little tush off." "No worries." "You know,|it's pretty full back there." " Why don't you...|" " Good idea." "Why don't I?" "Hey, watch the champagne." "All in." " They don't get out much.|" " You wanna watch out, you guys." "You'll end up with a lump of coal|in your stocking." "You're English." "I love English." " What's your name?" "|" " Alfie." "You wanna abuse|a little substance, Alfie?" "No, thanks." "I'm trying to quit." "All right." "One hit." "Merry Christmastime" "There's an expression|the Yanks use, "Go with the flow."" "So, yeah, I got a dose|of the holiday blues." "But when a girl of this mind-blowing|calibre invites you to a party, it's time to get going|and start flowing." "Maybe it's the late hour." "Maybe it's the heavily|spiked eggnog." "Maybe it was simply|a mutual desperate desire to have ourselves|a merry little Christmas." "Whatever the reason, hooking up|has never gone more swimmingly, and I find myself saying|something highly out of character:" "I'm renovating my apartment|on the Upper West Side." "But, say, you could crash at my sublet,|if you want." "See you through the holidays." "That sounds inviting." "And so it came to pass,|that after all those years, little Alfred finally got|what he wanted for Christmas." "The 12 days of Christmas|were flying by at a surrealistic pace." "Yeah, it's been quite the ride." "The package was irresistible." "A showstopper with|a new-school brand of sexiness." "Who wouldn't get off on the way|she makes heads turn?" "Plus, we have so much in common." " She's sweet, fun, original, exciting,|" " Adore you." "Full of surprises." "Oh, and did I mention,|she makes a cracking good bed." "I began to wonder, could this be the one who finally holds my attention?" "Happy New Year!" "In every doomed relationship, there comes what I like to call" ""the uh-oh moment. "" "When a certain little|something happens, and you know you've just witnessed|the beginning of the end." "And suddenly you stop|and you think:" ""Uh-oh, iceberg ahead."" "With Nikki, that was|the first of many uh-oh moments." "It began with petty arguments." "Followed by random bouts|of melancholia." "Major highs and manic lows." "This girl never knows|when she's had one too many." "And there had been constant displays|of erratic, reckless behaviour." "And thank you, no.|" "No, I did not have insurance." "But whenever I begin to feel|there's little reason to go on," "I'm reminded that we still have|one very major thing in common." "If only she didn't insist|on smoking before, after and during." "What time are you gonna|be home, honey?" "Hear that?" ""What time are you gonna|be home, honey? "" "That's dangerously close|to wife-speak to me." "Because I'm making something|really special for din-din." "Din-din?" "I'll call later." "Listen, are you sure you don't|think that colour's a little bit intense?" " I think you're a little bit intense.|" " Careful, because you've got paint|all over your hands." "Plus, you're wearing my favourite shirt|to paint the house in, Nik." "Don't..." "Sorry, baby." "I gotta run." "No, I've gotta run." "I bet that I can make it|worth your while to stay." "I'm sure you can." "But you know what?" "|" "I've got that meeting." " Haven't I?" "|" " Yeah." "You know you're in trouble when|a sight like that can't keep you planted." "When I was a boy|at St. Alban's Secondary School, the school took us|on this cultural trip to observe art at one of the..." "One of those big famous|" "London museums." "Anyway, when I was there," "I came across this statue|of a Greek goddess in marble." "Aphrodi..." "Aphrodite,|something like that." "Beautiful, she was." "Perfect female form." "Chiselled features." "Exquisite." "I stood in awe of her." "Finally, the teacher calls us|all over, and I'm walking past it, and on the way I notice,|in the side of this Greek goddess, all these cracks,|chips, imperfections." "Ruined her for me." "Well, that's Nikki." "A beautiful sculpture damaged in a way you don't notice|till you get too close." "I lost the signal for a second there." "But I don't know." "It's just a lot of personal stuff|going on." "You know what I mean?" " Oh, I know.|" " Welcome, Mr Alfie." "Good to see you, Elvis." "Look, I hope|you don't mind me rambling on." " Enjoy your evening, sir.|" " Thank you." "As you can see, the lad's|moving up in the world." "It's just that I've got|this friend who's, let's say, outstayed his welcome." "Absolutely right." "It's a lot tougher getting them out|than getting them in." "I like that." "You'll never guess|who I'm dropping in on now." "I wouldn't have believed it myself|a couple of weeks ago." "Why don't you just try being honest, and tell your friend that the hotel|is under new management and that they have to vacate|the premises." "You know what I mean." "That kimono does wonders for your décolletage." " Big word.|" " Big décolletage." "Why don't we have a drink and you|can tell me the rest of your troubles." "Instead of me listening to hers.|" "That's a change." "You know, for someone|so very young, you're terribly wise." "Secret admirer?" "One of many." "You would never think of bringing|a girl flowers, would you, Alfie?" "It would only encourage them." "I'm gonna make us that drink." "What's your poison, sweetheart?" "I'll have a spot of whiskey, please.|" "Midleton Rare, if you've got it." "I like dropping a fancy brand name|in now and again, let her know she ain't|the only one been around." "Why not make this|an absinthe afternoon?" "Brilliant." " No idea what she's talking about.|" " You've had absinthe?" "Not recently, no.|" "Remind me, what is it again?" "The Green Fairy." "The French|impressionists' liquid drug of choice." "And I got you some of those|" "little egg thingies you like so much." "I mention I like something once,|next thing I know," "I get it on a silver platter." "Perfect, huh?" "Kind of pad I plan|to earn myself one day." "Understated elegance|with just a touch of the trendy." "She's a regular fashionista." "You don't have to tell this one|which slingbacks go with which frock." "Owns her own cosmetics company." "Empire, actually." "Started out doing facials|in a fancy salon." "Took a handful of mud,|mixed it with a dash of papaya, put it on the market,|and bingo:" "All this." "This stuff is so illegal." "I smuggled a whole batch|of it back from Prague in Listerine bottles." "Oh, I checked out|your business plan." " And?" "|" " I'm impressed." " You seem surprised.|" " Not at all." "Because underneath|all that bravado beats the heart of a guy who's a lot|smarter than he thinks he is, but not nearly as cocky as he'd like|everybody else to believe." "What are we...?" "|" "What exactly are we basing this on?" "This insight into my personality?" "That it takes one to know one." "What?" "I was just wondering if there's|a clever little tattoo artist out there who could change "Pablo" into "Alfie."" "Here's to clever little tattoo artists." "Jesus." "It made me feel|all warm going down." "That's my job." "You know what they say." "What do they say?" "Absinthe makes|the heart grow fonder." "Oh, great." "Check this out." "Have a look at the size of this tub." "She's had two husbands,|both croaked, and I have a feeling|this was the scene of the crime." "Come on, baby, let's get wet." "If she keeps this up, we're gonna be updating that tattoo|of hers a lot sooner than she thinks." "Remember how little Alfred finally got|what he wanted for Christmas?" "Be careful what you wish for." "There's something else." "Dozed off?" "Yeah." "I tried waiting up for you." " Your meeting ran late, huh?" "|" " Very." "I'm knackered." "And wet." "But I do want us to have|a little chat, Nikki." "Okay." "Sure." "Why don't we talk over|a midnight snack." "I made roast beef|and Yorkshire pudding." "That was your favourite|as a young lad, right?" "And check the place out,|if you please." " Your little girl worked her fanny off.|" " I noticed." "It looks brilliant." "Really smashing." " So, Nik...|" " Alfie, I've been thinking." "Will you look at these|cute little potatoes?" "Okay." "I know I have been|a real handful lately." "I don't know, I think it has to do a lot|with me feeling displaced and not totally trusting." "Sweetie, cutting to the chase." "I am gonna do better." "I promise." "I am gonna take my medication|religiously from now on." "And everything, everything|is gonna be easy and breezy." "Sound good?" "Honey?" "So come, come and sit.|" "A feast awaits." "I already ate, Nik." "Of course." "No worries, we'll have leftovers." "I can whip up a little|corned beef hash for brunch." "What's the matter, Alfie?" "Nothing." "I just..." "I've got a lot on my mind and I'm feeling a bit...|" " What?" "Cold?" "Distant?" "Remote?" "What?" "Oh, Nik, this is a complete drag." "Everything happened so quickly." " I'm not the best at this sort of thing.|" " What sort of thing?" "I don't know exactly how to say it." "Sure you do, Alfie." "You've had plenty|of experience dumping girls." "Don't worry." "I'm already gone." "Strange." "But even when you know|it has to end when it finally does you always get|that inevitable twinge:" "Have I done the right thing?" "I must admit I do miss the companionship." "Nikki was a showstopper." "But as me ugly old Aunt Gladys|used to say," ""Looks aren't everything."" "I used to think that was|a load of bollocks, but just lately I've been thinking maybe the old bat had something." "Julie?" "Alfie, hi." "What a surprise." " God, I haven't seen you since...|" " Yeah." "You look..." "You look amazing." "Thanks." "You too.|" "You look good too." "I'm getting over a cold." " But you're okay otherwise?" "|" " I'm fine." "I'm always fine." "It's good to see you." "And you." "Hey, you know, I was..." "I'm sorry about|what happened between us." "And I'm sorry how it all ended up.|" "It wasn't..." "It wasn't good." "I felt bad about not seeing Max|and about not seeing you." " It's water under the bridge.|" " Good." "You know I'm wondering..." "Maybe we..." "You know I can never|promise anything." "But if you want, if you like, maybe we could|see each other again." "It would be okay by me." "It would be more than okay,|it would be great." " Alfie, I...|" " Yeah?" "This is Adam." "Hey, how are you?" " Hey, how you doing, Adam?" "|" " Pretty good." " Adam.|" " Yeah." "It was great running into you." " You look fantastic.|" " Thanks." "What time is it?" "I've gotta go." "I'm late for a meeting.|" "Nice to meet you, Adam." "Julie?" "Julie?" " How's Max?" "|" " Oh, really good." "Will you say hi?" " Sure.|" " Or not." "Be well." "Hello." "Hello." "Mrs Wing, is everything...?" "Wing." "Why are you crying?" "I'm not crying." "Get out." " You sure?" "|" " I'm fine." "Get out, Alfie." "I'm sorry." "I just wanted to see|if I could borrow a car." "She leave me." "Sorry?" "Blossom leave me." "Blossom?" "Is that your wife's name,|" "Blossom?" "What I do wrong, Alfie?" "Love her?" "Look, mate." "Come on,|you can win her back." "Woo her." "Send flowers|and chocolates." "Write a poem." " That what you do?" "|" " Well, actually, no, I've never done that, but it may be a way to go." "What rhyme with Blossom?" "I would try "awesome."" "Okay." "You never cease to amaze." "Hey." "Great to see you too, Lon." "I guess I should have rung.|" "Hey, Sam." "Well, that would have been a plan." "Well, you know, I'm sorry,|it was just..." "It's nice." "Look, Lonette..." "This is so uncomfortable, I know.|" "Because..." "You don't have to whisper.|" "Marlon's not here." "I really miss you both." "And I just wondered, maybe..." "Maybe me and you could put it|all behind us, pretend like it never happened,|and then move forward, you know?" "I just..." "You know, Alfie dropping by wasn't a good idea." "You two didn't have a baby." "You did have a baby." "No, you were right the first time." "Thinking back to that day at the clinic,|" "I remember trying to look in Lon's eyes to see|if I could even begin to understand what she was going through,|and how she wouldn't look at me." "And I think I knew then." "I just didn't want to admit it to myself." "So classically I said nothing." "I knew there was|a good chance the baby could be Marlon's." "At least, I hoped." "This is a lot for me too, Lon." "Marlon stayed." "For now." "Is there anything I can do?" "What are you gonna do, Alfie?" "Hey." "You know, I never..." " I never meant...|" " You never mean to hurt anybody." "But you do, Alfie." "I felt I needed a friend to talk to." "Problem was, they were suddenly|in short supply." "And I don't remember being in the car.|" "I just..." "I just..." "I was stopped." "And I'm crying." " Crying for the little one?" "|" " I don't know exactly." "Maybe for him." "Mostly, I think, for me." "And Marlon." "I never had anybody look at me|quite like that before." "And believe me, I've had some looks|that could kill." "He stood by Lonette.|" "I could've never, ever..." "You don't know what you'll do|till you really love someone." "Well, now what?" "You gonna shoehorn yourself|into the situation?" "No." "You did the only thing you could do.|" "You behaved like a gentleman." "I've never been accused|of that before." "Don't get all choked up." "You also|behaved like a scheming, backstabbing, so-Iow-you-can-Iook-up-|a-snake's-asshole son of a bitch." "Next time, think before unzipping." "It's all right." "You screwed up." "So, what are you gonna do?" "Run to the bridge?" "The question is what's gonna happen with|the rest of your life?" "I'd be lying if I didn't admit the events|of the past few weeks have knocked me for a bit of a loop." "All right, all right, all right." "Hello, mate." "And what can we do for you|this evening?" " How much are one of those?" "|" " Five-fifty." "And you'll need to put them in water|immediately." "Right, I'll have that." "Second thought." "Actually, this is|sort of a special thing." " What's the occasion?" "|" " Say again?" " Proposal?" "|" " No." "No, no." "Well, I do want to extend an offer|to maybe have a go at it for a bit, give us a spin, that kind of thing." "I get it." "Commitment issues." "Tell me what she, or he, is like, and we'll find the appropriate|bloom." "Well, she is..." "You know what, she's adventurous." " Frivole.|" " And very sexy." "I'm thinking Dolce Vita." "A little mischievous.|" "You know, cheeky?" "Avalanche, with a touch of mio amore." "And then under it all, she's just..." "She's just kind of sweet." "Liz?" " Hello?" "|" " It's me, my love." "Hey, I didn't expect to see you tonight.|" "I thought you were working." "I had a cancellation,|so I took the night off." "Listen, I thought we should get|up early, get out of the city, go to the country|and see if we can stay" " at that B  B you're always on about.|" " I'd love to, but I can't." "I have an investors' breakfast|in the morning." " How about on the weekend?" "|" " Brilliant." "Better." "All right." "I thought you may..." "Oh, my God." "No." "Alfie." " Oh, what a sweet gesture.|" " Milady." "They're not out of some plastic bucket.|" "I handpicked, like, every bud." " I can see that.|" " And apparently, I have a bit of a flair for flower arranging." "I'm impressed." " Talk about being blown away.|" " Good." "Mission accomplished." "I like surprising you." "Well, you certainly have done that." "All right, then." "Well, you're up early,|so I'm off." " I'm gonna see you tomorrow night?" "|" " Yeah." "When we speak,|there's some things..." "Some thing I really wanna|talk to you about." "What, honey?" "I'm gonna wait for the exact perfect|moment, and that's all I'll say." "I'll ring you in the morning." "And, Alfie, thank you for the flowers.|" "They made my evening." "Really?" "In that case, maybe I'll stay." "I don't..." "No, it's not a good idea." "There's a guy in there, isn't there?" "God..." "Go." "Don't do this." "What's he got?" " Better than me?" "|" " Alfie, please." "Tell me." "Please?" "Really, I would like to know.|" "What's he got?" "Tell me." "I want to know what he's got.|" "Please tell me." "Come on." "Come on.|" "Come on, just tell me." "Just tell me, come on." "What's he got better than me?" "!" "He's younger than you." ""He's younger than you. "" "I've gotta admit,|" "I didn't see it coming." "She caught me off-guard, all right." "You couldn't tell, though, could you?" "As you've learned by now,|" "I'm rather skilled at hiding my feelings." "You see, the thing with feelings|is they have this quiet way of sneaking up on you|when you least expect it." "You know what I mean?" "Yeah." "Like with Liz." "Who would've thought,|of all the women I've known the one I let my guard down with|delivers the knockout punch." "Ironic." "Calendar word." "Dorie." " Hi.|" " Hello, Alfie." " I haven't seen you in ages.|" " Maybe because you stopped calling." "I know." "Things were getting|a bit too..." "Don't bother explaining." "I'm way past|needing excuses." "All right." "No, you know what?" "|" "I want to explain." "What?" "You had your fill of me?" "Someone cuter came along?" "|" "I don't need to hear it, Alfie." " Look, Dorie...|" " Really." "Look, Dorie..." "What happens with me is..." "I don't know, I get..." "When it gets too..." "Not close|but something like that," "I start to feel..." "Not stifled, not trapped, but something like that." "And I..." "And..." "You know?" "You know what I mean?" "Did that make...?" "|" "Did that make any sense?" "I think it has to make sense to you|more than me at this point." "Yeah, fair enough." "I need to go." "He'll be waiting for me." "Dorie." "I'm sorry." "Good luck, Alfie." "I warned them all from|the beginning." "I always said something along|the lines of," ""I must advise you," "I am stamped with an|invisible warning." "I will not commit." "I will never marry."" "Despite my best efforts, I'm beginning|to feel some small cracks in my faux finish." "You know, when I look back|on my little life, and all the women I've known I can't help but think about all that they've done for me and how little I've done for them." "How they looked after me,|cared for me and I repaid them by never|returning the favour." "Yeah." "I used to think I had the best end|of the deal." "What have I got?" "Really?" "Some money in my pocket." "Some nice threads.|" "Fancy car at my disposal." "And I'm single." "Unattached." "Free as a bird." "I don't depend on nobody." "Nobody depends on me." "My life's my own." "But I don't have peace of mind." "And if you don't have that,|you've got nothing." "So..." "So, what's the answer?" "|" "That's what I keep asking myself." "What's it all about?" "You know what I mean?" "SUBTITLES BY JOHNNY DEPP"