"All right, listen up." "I just heard from the Hong Kong office and we have a big opportunity in the Asian market." "I know we just finished off a huge Chinese deal an hour ago, but I'm already hungry for more." "That's a joke." "Okay." "It's okay." "That was a good one, sir." "I love your jokes." "Really?" "Which, uh, which one of my jokes would you say is your favorite?" "Okay, uh..." "Oh, uh, oh, uh, I-I like the one where you tell us that we have the weekend off..." "Oh!" "..." "And then, uh, and then we all make plans." "And then you call us on Saturday and you're like, "you got to come in to work!"" "Especially because Richardson missed his wedding." "Richardson, tell everybody..." "Wh-why am I not seeing Richardson?" "Jackson, where the hell is Richar..." "Where the hell is Jackson?" "!" "Forgive me, sir." "But, uh, I've noticed you tend to be extremely hard on the bearer of bad news, so please bear in mind that I am just the messenger here." "Spit it out." "Jasper McCabe has been calling everybody, trying to poach them." "Jasper McCabe, that punk money manager, is poaching my people?" "That is outrageous!" "Did everybody get a call?" "Because I did not." "If it's a war this guy wants, it's a war he's going to get." "But he's gonna have to do one hell of a lot better than poaching my worst people." "I mean, you know, Thompson, Sacks, and that dead weight McCormick?" "I'm still here, sir." "Oh." "Okay." "Well, keep doing a great job there, McCormick." "Eric, give me the..." "where the hell is Eric?" "All right, everybody, you can have the weekend off." " Yay!" " That was a joke." "Ah." "Yeah, yeah, man." "Recycle a doughnut." "That's great." "You must feel good about yourself." "You're doing a good job, handsome." "Thank you." "You just call me handsome?" "Hey, you know what I like to do when I need to lift my spirits?" "I like to sing about what's going on." "You know, give myself a little theme song." "Ah." "Example." "You're Jasper McCabe, the prophet of palo alto." "Yeah, well, I just want to let you know," "I'm..." "I'm more than just a garbage man." "That's right." "You got to reach for the stars." "Here you go, good-looking." "You're a beautiful man." "Boop!" "Uh, no, man, you don't understand." "I'm not like a... $100?" "Jesus." "Guys, you'll never guess who I just ran into in the lobby." "Jasper McCabe." ""Oh, my God, Brody, tell me more."" "Okay." "Well, he gave me 100 bucks, and he called me handsome." ""Oh, that's awesome." "You should feel really good about yourself, Brody."" "Honey, we don't have time for side voice right now, okay?" "Four people just disappeared from upstairs." "Richardson, Thompson, Martinez, Jackson..." "All good men who left behind their stuff." "Or, as I now call it, our stuff." "Derrick, you know what?" "Just have, like, a little compassion for these people that just... oh, earbuds!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "These guys were all in my group." "At first they called us the three musketeers, but then they brought in Martinez and Jackson, so they called us the Jackson five, which I really never got because I did all the work." "I suggested the Brody bunch, but that never caught on." "Anyway, do you guys realize what's happening here?" "It's the douche rapture." "Scripture tells us of a day when pretentious a-holes will descend directly into hell, burning for eternity, which turns out is a very long time." "Anyway, enjoy your trip." "No, actually." "Jasper McCabe poached these guys." "Which means there's gonna be some openings upstairs, which means Mansfield is gonna need this guy." "Good luck!" ""Never come back."" "Hey." "So, Jasper McCabe's poaching, huh?" "Yeah." "He took the Jackson four." "What?" "They kept it with Jackson?" "Did the name Brody bunch even come up?" "All I know is that everybody up here's getting the call." "Really?" "Everybody?" "Not me." "Yet." "He's obviously going alphabetically and he hasn't gotten to the w's yet." "Well, Zimmerman's gone." "He might also have a thing against asians." "Has anyone seen Chang?" "Damn." "All right, listen up." "This is usually the point in a war where the general says, "troops, we've lost some good men."" "But that's not the case." "We've only lost weak men like Zimmerman, Chang, and that dead weight McCormick." "I'm still here, sir." "Fod God's sake, stay in my eye line!" "All right, everybody into the war room." "Ooh, I love when his office turns into the war room." "Up, up!" "Soldiers only." "Hey." "I'm a soldier." ""Damn right, you are."" "Thanks, man." "I'll have a double mocha." "And I'd like to apologize in advance for my friend." "Yes." "And I'll have hot water poured into this cup that I brought from my home because I refuse to prop up the coffee industrial complex." "I will also be taking many of these stirrers." "Some I will use now and others I will use later for crafts." "You really let that barista have it." "Well, they pour water over flavored dirt and they expect me to stand up and salute?" "No, thank you." "I've seen you around a lot." "I walk around a lot." "Bye." "God, what was I thinking?" "That guy is so out of my league." "Who?" "Derrick?" "No." "With the beard." "This homeless guy over by the news stand?" "No, the guy pouring half and half into his thermos." "Harvard?" "Okay." "Great." "Really?" "He seems so awesome." "I bet he's awesome." "Is he awesome?" "He..." "You know, in his own very specific way, he is really awesome." "He's... he's smart." "And he's funny." "Uh, he's a little weird." "My college boyfriend was one of those "Harry Potter" super fans who spoke Parseltongue and played Quidditch every weekend, so I could do with a little weird for a change." "Okay, well, you should let me set you up with Harvard." " You'd do that for me?" " That's what friends do." "And, plus, I'm great at it." "I set up my best friend with her last seven boyfriends." "Okay, real talk." "She's gonna die alone." "But you are gonna be easy." "I cannot figure out how he's stealing my men right from under my nose." "Oh, actually, sir, this soldier did a little recon for you on Jasper McCabe." "Turns out he's in our lobby." " So what I thought we should do..." " In my lobby?" "Yeah." "Make a hole." "Today's not the day to mess with me." "Ooh, close, close, close, close, close." "Ah, didn't see you there, sir." "Mr. Wen, when you buy a skyscraper, always spring for the elevator remote." "Jasper McCabe." "Remington Mansfield." "So great to finally meet you." "What are we doing?" "We shaking?" "We hugging?" "I judge a man by his handshake." "Yeah, yeah." "Like a bag of lukewarm hot dogs." "You got some nerve coming in my building." "Well, you know what?" "Speaking of your building, you think you could hook a brother up with the wi-fi password?" "'Cause the cell service here is redonk." "Yeah." "The password is "go f yourself," all caps." "Now get the hell off my property." "Your property actually starts at that elevator." "And, you see, the lobby is actually designated a public space per the San Francisco zoning code." "Did I mention that I minored in urban planning?" "I also happen to play the French horn." "Oh, my God." "He's a renaissance man." "Terrific because I'm gonna go ahead and play you a song on my I'm-gonna-kick-your-ass-aphone." "Ooh." "Whoa, whoa." "Let me..." "let me handle this, sir." "Do you know who I am?" "Do you have any idea who I am?" "Because I didn't get a call." "McCabe, let me..." "let me make this very clear." "Men with much stronger handshakes than you have been trying to take me down since the '80s." "Well, I wouldn't know." "I was born in 1990." "Wait." "So, you... you're, what, 15?" "No." "You're 25." "Holy shit." "That went by fast." "My... my point is," "I've destroyed hundreds of guys like you." "No, you've destroyed hundreds of guys like you." "You see, the business is changing." "And you're not." "You're damn right I'm not." "I did not mean that as a compliment." "It's too late." "I feel great about myself." "Ah, there's my 1:00 right there." "McCormick." "Now I see you!" "You have poked the bear." "And you, come here." "You're in for the longest elevator ride of your young life." "Well, hey, hey, hey." "Look who got a promotion." "See?" "Keep reaching for the stars, good-looking." "For the record, I have an MBA from Harvard." "You know what?" "Here's another hundy." "Okay, I don't need..." "all right, I'll take that." "But, look." "I used to work upstairs." "I was Mansfield's top money manager." "My name's Brody Moyer." " Brody Moyer?" " Yeah." "Well, you're a stud." "You were at the top of my list." "No one knew where you went." "I was supposed to go to Hong Kong with Mansfield." "Instead, I went to Paris with my girlfriend." "Join Jackson, Thompson, Richardson, Martinez." "The Jackson five." "I was thinking more like the Brody bunch." "It's like you live in my heart." "Look, uh, I-I'm tempted, but I..." "I got a good thing going." "What are you, plunging money out of those toilets?" "Look, I have a history with Mansfield." "He's kind of like a father figure to me." "But Mansfield's days are over." "He's a dinosaur." "I'm a meteor." "He's classified ads." "I'm Craigslist." " He's the radio star." "I'm video." " Yeah, I get it." "You're the things that kill other things." "I-I-I still am gonna have to pass." "Hey, just... just one quick question before you go." "What is the wi-fi password?" "Oh, it's "go f yourself," all caps." "I'm not sure I'm ready for this." "Hey, be confident, okay?" "You are smart, you are cute, you are rocking those bangs." "You're right." "I can do this." "I cannot do this." "Okay, okay, okay, okay." "You do not have to do anything you are not ready to do." "Harvard!" "No!" "Hey, you." "So, we meet again." "I've never seen you before in my entire life." "Okay." "Uh, can you look at my keyboard?" "It's not working." "All right." "Let's just see what... oh." "It looks like someone spilled a soda in it." "Two, actually." "One didn't do anything." "This is gonna take a lot of work." "And now it's broken." "So it's literally out of my hands." "That's my exact sense of humor." "I like your beard." "Thank you." "It keeps my face warm." "Uh, can I ask you a question?" "Mm-hmm." "Does it tickle when you kiss?" "I guess there's only one way to find out, isn't there?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "You know what?" "It actually does a little bit, yeah." "Okay." "Well, I guess I'll leave you to it." "Unless you want me to hang around." "No." "Okay, good." "What the hell is wrong with you, man?" "She was hitting on you." "Well, I did not get that impression at all." "Besides, she's not my type." "Dude, she's totally your type." "She's a woman, and she's not a dude." "Well, I'm spoken for." "Oh, my God!" "Dude, you're not in a relationship with Jenny." "Well, maybe not this moment." "Maybe not today." "Maybe not tomorrow." "But you know what?" "Probably tomorrow." "And when she finally comes around," "I'll tell you what." "She's gonna be getting a little bit of this." "It really does tickle." "It does." "I'm telling you, Jenny, Harvard is not gonna move on." "You got to break up with him." "Yeah, that makes sense." "Um, except for one thing." "I'm not dating him!" "I know that." "You know that." "He does not know that." "You should have seen how he was making out with his hand in there." "Oh, my God." "Derrick, I can't." "I can't." "I've never broken up with anybody." "Come on." "No, I'm serious." "I hate being the bad guy." "You know, instead of breaking up with them" "I just stop calling and, like, hope they go away." "Damn." "Well, Harvard is not going away, okay?" "If you want him to be happy, you got to dump his ass." "Okay." "Fine." "So, what do I say?" "Guys are idiots, okay?" "You can't be subtle." "If you want him to get the message, you got to hit him in the head with a rock." "Here." "Feel this dent right here." "Oh, my God." "Tanya, 2012." "And it took two rocks." "We still friends, though." " What's up?" " I got to go see Mansfield." "I finally have leverage." "I just got a job offer from McCabe." "Oh." "That's great for you." "Uh..." "One question." "Were you wearing the gloves and holding the plunger when you got the offer?" "Actually, I was." "Funny, right?" "Yeah, that's hilarious." "It looks like I'm crying, but I'm laughing." "Sir?" "Yes?" "What do you want?" "I am very busy." "I just wanted to let you know" "I got a job offer from Jasper McCabe." "Oh, well done." "Congratulations." "But I also wanted you to know that I turned it down." "That was stupid." "No." "No, you don't understand." "I just turned down a high-paying job with your competitor so I could stay up here and work for you." "As my personal plumber?" "No." "I should not have brought the plunger." "Finally!" "I've been on hold for two hours." "This is a medical emergency!" "Hey, Harvard." "When you get a sec, I'd love to talk to you." "Oh, yeah, what's up?" "Um, so, the thing is... oh, God, I'm not good at this." "Um, okay." "Harvard, you and I cannot continue like this." "I knew this day would come." "We have to tell Brody about us." "I'm gonna need a rock." "An engagement ring?" "No, Harvard, you're not listening to me." "I am listening." "I just don't understand." "I want to be here, and you need me." "Half your managers have jumped ship, but I stayed loyal to you." "Oh, wait a minute." "You want to talk to me about loyalty?" "Not anymore." "I picked you... you to open our new office." "You were supposed to fly with me to Hong Kong." "And we were gonna..." "We were gonna build this whole thing together." "Instead, you flew to Paris with your girlfriend and you left me on that goddamn airplane all by myself, alone." "You lied to me." "You let me down." "And, son, you broke my heart." "Sir..." "I know I messed up." "But I only did it one time." "When you violate my trust one time, just once, you can never get back to zero." "Never." "You can't mean never." "W-what about in 30 years when I find you on Facebook after your first failed marriage?" "Oh, sure, you've, you know, let yourself go." "But, hey, I like you like that." "You know?" "I mean, obviously, don't go crazy." "It is not crazy to want things to go back to the way they were." "I'm sure someday you and I could have a, uh, a different relationship." "But please listen to me carefully." "Things are never gonna be the way they were." "If this is one of your tests, you need to be clear, because I can't do this anymore and I am prepared to leave." "I don't know why this is so hard for me." "I don't know what you're trying to tell me." "Just help me to help you and then..." "I'm trying to help you help me." "But I'm trying to help..." "It's over." "It's over." "Okay." "Okay." "Wait, are you breaking up with me?" "Harvard, I'm sorry." "I've never broken up with anybody before, and I just..." "I really didn't want to hurt you." "You're not the first girl who wasn't going out with me to break up with me." "And if you want to know the truth, you won't be the last." "Just as long as you're okay." "Yeah, I'm..." "I'm fine." "So, how you really doing, Harvard?" "I hurt bad." "You know what?" "Why don't you call that Lindsay girl?" "Yeah." "I don't know who that is." "Well, maybe you need a little while." "Come here." "That explains it." "Okay." "Mr. Mansfield," "I know you're not supposed to be disturbed while you're playing army, but, uh, one of the guys from downstairs wanted to know if he could come in." "Good." "I, uh, I might have been a little harsh on him." "Y-young lady, have you ever said something to someone and then regretted it immediately?" "Every second of every day, sir." "Well, yeah, send him in." "Mr. Mansfield, I'm supposed to drip feed your succulents." "I hope that means plants." "To be honest with you," "I thought you were going to be someone else." "I don't... don't suppose you know if Mr. Moyer is still downstairs?" "Nah, he left." "He took a job with that guy Jasper McCabe." "I see." "Yeah, they offered me a job, but I turned it down." "Son of a bitch!" "There he is." "My big fish." "Come here." "Come on." "Yep!" "Oh, you actually want me to... uh-huh." "Okay." "Welcome to the big leagues, my man." "Did you just say sunshine?" "What's up?"