"[DOOR SLAMS]" "BUD:" "If we don't get some food soon, it's Donner Pass, baby." "KELLY:" "Hmm." "He's a little stringy, but seasoned correctly..." "Bud chops." "[SIGHS]" "What're you kids doing?" "BOTH [CHANTING]:" "Food!" "Food!" "Food!" "Food!" "Food!" "Food!" "Food!" "Food!" "Food!" "Food!" "ALL:" "Food!" "Food!" "Food!" "Food!" "Food!" "Food!" "Food!" "Food!" "Food!" "Food!" "Just the boys!" "Just the girls!" "Food!" "Food!" "Food!" "Food!" "Food!" "Food!" "Oh, well, that was fun." "But nobody's bringing any." "So you guys want to see my new dress?" "Uh, yeah, sure thing, Mom, but first, can we have a little chat about nutrition." "To hell with nutrition, let's talk about food." "You see, Mom, no nutrition equals no brain." "I give you exhibit A." "Now, we've been talking to the other kids at school, and they get three meals a day." "Now, I know what you said, that food only leads to food poisoning, but we're willing to risk it." "Oh, kids, don't you understand?" "See, your father doesn't earn enough for this dress and food." "Frankly, your father doesn't earn enough for this dress and gum." "Actually, your father doesn't earn enough for this dress." "So if you're really hungry, why don't you eat this price tag?" "And eat it fast before your dad gets home." "Hey, how come you always get the plastic thread?" "I'm just doing it for you, Kelly." "You know plastic goes right to your thighs." "Come on, Mom." "We're hungry." "Isn't there anything to eat in this house?" "You know," "I don't think he ever got over waking up that Christmas morning, surrounded by little potatoes with a pineapple ring on his back." "It's not like we glazed him or anything." "Mom, we're starving." "Feed us or trade us." "Kids, I really do know how you feel." "I was hungry too, until I stopped at Burger King on my way home." "But, you see, this is real important." "Daddy and I are going to our high school reunion, and I really want to wow them." "If you really want to wow them, why don't you just tell them that your daughter weighs 47 pounds?" "Boy, Mommy just wants to have a little fun, and all you kids can think about are your empty little stomachs." "Now, go forage in the freezer, and let Mommy be happy." "Hi, Peg." "Nice dress." "What's the occasion?" "Oprah having a formal episode?" "Al, don't you remember anything?" "Not since I said, "I do."" "Then your mother opened her mouth and put me down." "That was a show of affection." "That's how she used to carry all of us around." "But let's forget about the past." "Tomorrow night, we're going to our high school reunion, and I want us to look nice, so get your suit out of the hamper and iron it." "Peg, I don't want to go to my high school reunion." "I just know they're going to ask me questions that I can't answer, like, "How you doing?"" ""How's it going?"" "And the ever-painful "How they hanging?"" "Now, listen, Al, you promised you'd take me the night you didn't take me to our senior prom." "Well, honey, we had a great time that night, didn't we?" "Oh, yeah, wall-to-wall magic." "Watching sports on TV at my father's house." "You drank all the beer." "I said, "I love you."" "You said, "Shut up, I can't hear the game."" "Oh, and then we did it on my father's coat." "You were quite a tiger that night, Al." "Yeah, well, who ever thought" "I'd see you again after that?" "Hey, Kel, I think I got something here." "It could be edible." "Let's see." "It's..." "It's..." "Freddy, my goldfish?" "It's the one we froze till they found a cure for whatever was killing him." "Bud, you were only 5 then, so we didn't tell you, but, um, what was killing him was that we didn't feed him." "Oh, Freddy." "Dibs on the head." "I get the head." "No, he was my pet." "Yeah, well, I was the one who didn't feed him." "Oops." "Well, let's just fry him up, and we'll say next time I get a pet, you can let him starve to death." "Deal." "Ahh." "Kel, I can't." "I mean, I just can't eat Freddy." "He lived in my room." "So does fungus." "Where do you draw the line?" "At a fish I was proud to call my friend." "Hey, let's go outside and throw him in front of a car." "Maybe we can get some insurance money." "Oh, cool." "I'm glad they're gone." "They were depressing me, Al." "So, honey, there is no way you're not taking me to this reunion." "This year, they're going to elect a queen for the reunion." "Now, I gave up being queen of our prom for you." "Don't you think it's time you gave up something for me?" "Well, I guess a little thing like my life is meaningless, huh?" "Oh, honey, I never wanted your life." "I just took it because it was there." "But being reunion queen is important to me, and I just know I can win." "The only competition I have to worry about is that Connie Bender." "Yeah, Connie Bender." "I remember her." "What do you remember, Al?" "I remember her father had a great coat." "I know what you're trying to do." "You're trying to make me mad at you so I'll tell you to stay home." "Well, it didn't work at our wedding, and it's not gonna work now." "You know, it's amazing." "A million cars on the road, and you toss Freddy in front of an uninsured motorist." "Well, Kelly, if you'd just gotten in the car like the man asked, we would have had 50 bucks." "Well, let's just go upstairs and check the webs for spiders." "Yeah, well, just don't give me any of that," ""Don't eat him, it's Stanley,"" "because if it moves, it's dinner." "Well, it's obvious the kids have upstairs covered." "What's my dinner, Peg?" "Furnace scrapings du jour?" "Don't I do enough as wife and mother?" "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Al, your dog burst into our house and then hid under our bed." "He does that every day around suppertime." "Quite frankly, he needs a bath, and he won't listen to a word I say." "[LAUGHS]" "Doggy see, doggy do." "Oh, that is such a beautiful dress." "I just saw it on Michigan Avenue, but my husband didn't think we could afford it." "See, Steve?" "Al doesn't mind spending $500 on his wife." "Is that what I spent on you, pookie?" "Gee, I guess I really do love you." "We're broke." "You know that, Peg." "Oh, Al." "What difference does it make, another month in debtor's prison?" "I'm going to be reunion queen!" "[GASPS]" "That's so exciting." "But if you're going to be queen, you can't just go in a $500 dress." "You have to accessorize properly." "We could get you a beautiful beaded evening purse if you'd be willing to bounce a check for another $200." "Would you mind, honey?" "So, Al, what are you up for, the coveted "Cartwheeling to the Grave" award?" "Okay, everybody, let me put this as plainly as I can." "I rule this house." "I pay for it." "I rot within its walls, and I make the decisions." "And my decision is, save that dress for my funeral, because we're not, no chance, no way, no how, going to that reunion." "And you're going to have to buy some shoes." "Oh, Peggy." "Queen!" "I'm so happy for you." "So, what will you be wearing, Al?" "The royal leash?" "I don't understand." "I mean, the father's the boss, isn't he?" "I mean, Robert Young was the boss." "Fred MacMurray got some respect." "Even Fred Flintstone had his day once or twice." "Are you telling me" "I'm not the man Fred Flintstone is?" "Well, he had a better job than you do." "Oh, come on, Al." "Reunions are fun." "Every now and then, you have to take a stroll down memory lane and say hi to Mr. Days Gone By." "Why, Steve and I couldn't wait to go to our respective reunions." "The failures of our former classmates were even greater than we'd hoped and dreamed." "Yeah, remember that hotshot visual-aids captain," "Marcus Belsky?" "He's a tow truck operator now." "Yeah." "Steal my compass, will you?" "Well, rot in hell, Belsky." "What about that snot-nosed pompom slut," "Courtney Pierce?" ""Most Likely to Succeed."" "Yeah, well, she succeeded in growing a mustache... and bagging groceries for $3.20 an hour." "Yeah, see?" "That's what reunions are for." "To laugh and point at the pitiful." "You know, Al, the wretches, the failures," "The people who haven't accomplished a damn thing since high school." "I, uh..." "Uh, I'm sorry, Al." "You know, Barney Rubble wasn't much, but at least he was supportive, Steve." "Marcie, let's go home, punch up some of our old classmates' credit ratings on the computer, and make love by the flickering ashes of their lives." "Steve." "We'll make a bed of our negotiable securities... and do the wild thing." "Why don't we get any negotiable securities, Al?" "Because my wild thing broke me." "Now, get this straight, Peg." "There's is no way I'm going to this reunion." "Listen, Al," "You said, "I'm not taking you to the prom."" "I said, "Fine."" "You said," ""I'll only be a shoes salesman" ""for a couple of months till I get my feet off the ground."" "I said, "Fine."" "You said," ""I don't know what's wrong." "I'm just tired."" "I said, "Fine."" "I'm not saying "fine" anymore." "We are going to this reunion, and you're gonna be proud of me, and I am gonna be proud of you, because when people ask what you do for a living, you're going to say you're a garbage man." "Peg, I don't want to go to the reunion." "Can't we just forget about the good times and get on with our lives?" "No, Al." "[SWEETLY] Oh, come on, puddin', my little-wittle hunky bear." "Peg, don't do this to me." "You know it shrivels up all my working parts." "My yummy-wummy hairy tummy, my simple-wimple pimple bottom." "Please." "Oh, honey," "I'll be a good girl for the rest of my life." "I promise, and I'll never ask you for anything ever, ever again." "Okay, donkey-wonkey?" "Oh, jeez, I'll do anything." "Just shut up, all right?" "Fine, but now that you insist on going, there are going to be a few rules." "First, I don't want you talking to any of your old friends, particularly that little weasel, Eli." "Hey, Eli was a good guy, Peg." "Good guys don't say," ""Hey, Bundy, I got 20 riding on you." "Lower your head and run into a brick wall."" "[CHUCKLES]" "No one had ever done that before." "You know, I like to think if you hadn't, you might actually have been a garbage man." "Rule number two," "I don't want you getting into any fights, particularly with Jack." "Jack." "Yeah." "I remember Jack." "I don't like Jack." "He had this thing about being the best." "Always trying to top me." "I'd make the team, he'd make the team." "I set a record, he set a record." "He passed a gallstone," "I married you." "We could never settle that tie." "Jack and me split the school right down the middle." "Half for him, half for me." "On graduation day, we were going to fight it out in the schoolyard, me and him, till one of us dropped." "Well, then, something happened." "Yeah, I think that something was Eli betting you couldn't jump over a Mustang going 50." "I was 2 inches short of that, Peg." "If my toe had just cleared that driver's nose," "I'd have won that $10 bet, and my fight with Jack, and played college ball, and married a debutante, and been rich and famous." "But everything worked out just fine," "I got no complaints." "Oh, God!" "[BAND PLAYING FUN, FESTIVE SONG]" "* I say shotgun *" "* Bap bah *" "* Shoot 'em Now you're gonna *" "* Bap bah *" "* Do the jerk, baby *" "* Bap bah *" "* Do the dirty dog *" "* Da da da do Do-whoo, do-whoo *" "* Do do do do Doo-doo, doo-doo *" "* Do do do do Doo-doo, doo-doo *" "* Bap bah *" "* Do do do do Doo-doo, doo-doo **" "[SPARSE CLAPPING]" "Can I take break now, Daddy?" "Okay, Al, let's go over this one more time." "Now, what do you do for a living?" "[FLATLY] Garbage man." "How often do we make love?" "Five times a year." "It's five times a week, Al." "Oh, come on, Peg, no one's going to believe that." "I'm not asking you to do it." "Just say it." "Okay, now, how many children have we got?" "None." "Okay, I think we're ready." "Let's go." "Oh, this is going to be so much fun." "I really love you, Al, for caring enough to bring me." "BOTH:" "Peggy!" "Peggy Wanker!" "Oh, there's the girls!" "Step aside, bozo." "ALL:" "Peggy!" "Peggy Wanker!" "Oh, Peggy, you look exactly the Same." "Hey, whatever happened to that good-looking sex machine you were sporting around town?" "[CLEARS THROAT]" "You know, Todd Fleming?" "Well, I thought I could do better." "I was wrong." "This is my husband, Al." "Al Bundy." "Of course!" "Well, you look the same too, Al." "What a shame." "How's it going, Edna?" "You don't look a day over 1000." "How you do it?" "Just ignore him, much like success has." "So, everybody, do I have your votes for reunion queen?" "ALL:" "Of course you do." "But you didn't have to call me all the way in New Mexico just to ask." "That must have cost you a fortune to call the entire senior class." "$2000 phone bill this month." "ALL:" "Ooh!" "Oh, don't worry, sweetie." "That's just a drop in the bucket compared to what you owe." "Well, that's no problem." "Can I make anyone here a license plate?" "Well, I got to go circulate, and I'm going to see you girls later," "And, Peggy, you keep taking care of that big lug." "Excuse me, ma'am." "I'd like to order a drink." "Peggy?" "Peggy Wanker, "Don't Bother To Thank Her"?" "Connie?" "Connie Bender," ""Bring A Friend It Won't Offend Her"?" "Hi." "Al." "You are looking fantastic, Al." "Do you remember me, Al?" "Yeah." "Wow." "What happened?" "No, I mean, you look better standing up." "He was always such a charmer." "So, what are you doing these days, Al?" "He's a garbage man." "And what about you, Connie?" "Are you married or still working your way west?" "Oh, I'm married." "Honey." "[WHISTLES]" "You remember Jack, don't you?" "Peggy!" "Jack!" "Al." "You're, uh... looking good." "You too, Jack." "You want to go outside?" "You bet." "Now, now, boys, this is a reunion." "No need to pick up exactly where we left off." "If we did that," "Connie would be in the coat room with the band." "Peggy, did you hear the good news?" "I'm going to be reunion queen." "Care to be my hag-in-waiting?" "Oh, no." "You're wrong." "Much as you're wrong in thinking that women don't need deodorant." "You see, I'm going to be reunion queen." "Check your numbers, baby." "I am ahead by a cool three votes." "I should know." "I called everywhere in the English-speaking world." "That was your mistake." "Well, that, and... that dress." "Oh, Sumo!" "You see, Peggy," "I think you forgot our foreign exchange students." "You remember the Yohiro sisters?" "I flew them in from Tokyo." "By the way, Sumo, who will you be voting for?" "She who holds our passport." "Tough luck, Wanker." "Now, look here, Bender." "I didn't spend $500 on this dress," "$2000 in phone calls, and $300 for these shoes to go home with this." "I swear by the hairs on your chinny-chin-chin," "I will be queen of this reunion." "Not when you're one vote short, baby." "[***]"