"Come on, Carl, step on it." "Drive on the sidewalk if you have to." "Hey, I'm your partner..." "I will get us there." "But you should have just used the bathroom at Abe's." "I like going at my mom's house." "She's at work, and it's quiet." "Plus, I grew up with that toilet." "We know each other's secrets." "Easy, easy!" "Stay with me, buddy." "We're almost there." "Carl, I'm not gonna make it." "Hey, d-don't you let go on me, man!" "Don't you let go on me!" "Mom, what are you doing home?" "I live here." "What the hell are you doing?" "I came to borrow your Better Homes  Gardens." "What do you think?" "So you're the one who's been Goldilocks-ing around my house while I've been at work." "You know, if you're gonna nap in somebody's bed, you need to make it when you're done." "I tried." "You know I can't get the corners as tight as you." "No one can." "Wait, what are you doing home anyway?" "Shouldn't you be at work?" "What, are you my parole officer?" "I got to keep you updated on my whereabouts and my doings?" "What?" "I'm just asking." "I retired, okay?" "Since when?" "Since I decided to stop working." "All these years in the cafeteria, you just woke up one day and decided," ""I've sloppied my last joe."" "Maybe I did." "What's it to you?" "I don't know." "Maybe I want to say congratulations." "There, you said it." "Now, unless you're gonna give me a gold watch, beat it." "All right, all right, I'm going." "Leave the Homes  Gardens." "I'm sick of you stealing my magazines." "Sorry, "Dr. Izzian Lahiri."" "Yeah." "Hey, he's not gonna read it." "He can barely speak English." "I hate my home, and I don't have a garden." "Oh." "Hey, Mama Biggs." "What you doing home?" "* La, la-ba-dee-da *" "* La, la-ba-dee-da *" "* For the first time in my life *" "* I see love *" "* I see love *" "* For the first time in my life *" "* I see love *" "It's funny..." "I never pictured your mom as the retiring type." "I always figured when the time was right, someone would throw water on her, and she'd just melt away." "I know... she loved working at the school cafeteria." "And she could rock a hairnet." "So how does she seem?" "I mean, is she excited?" "Is she making plans?" "Is she gonna travel?" "Ooh, maybe she'll move to Florida." "Yeah, well, if she does, it'll give those old geezers in Boca something to bitch about besides the humidity." "So are you gonna throw her a party?" "Molly, we don't know for sure that she's moving to Florida." "No." "For... for the retirement." "I mean, you're her son." "Don't you think you should plan something?" "I'm not good at that kind of thing." "Oh, it's easy." "You just... invite her friends from work, you get a sheet cake, you sing her "For She's a Jolly Good Fellow,"" "the monster's appeased, then the villagers are safe until the next harvest." "You know what, a party is a great idea." "Well, thank you." "No." "Thank you." "You're gonna make my mother very happy." "Let me know if you need me to pick up that cake that you order." "Wait, wait, wait, wait, what?" "You're a good daughter-in-law." "What the hell just happened?" "You got duped by a dope." "Surprise!" "Hey." "If you're with the health department, you need to give us 48 hours notice." "We know the law." "No, it's Molly Flynn." "I-I taught here for, like, ten years." "Uh-uh, uh-uh." "Miss Flynn?" "Taught fourth grade?" "Teacher of the Year?" "Green salad with a scoop of tuna on the side?" "Ah." "Oh, hey, honey." "How you doing?" "Good, good." "Uh, anyway, the reason I'm here is because you are both invited to a party." "Oh, hey." "Ooh." "Yeah, to celebrate Peggy's retirement." "Yay." "Party." "Is this some sort of joke?" "No, but it is a secret." "So don't tell the one-eyed janitor, 'cause he's not invited." "Look, tuna scoop," "I don't know what Peggy told you, but she didn't retire;" "she got fired." "What?" "Yep." "That woman was the worst person I've ever had to deal with." "And I used to work the chow line at Joliet." "When she started working here, she was warm, friendly, just like us." "But once she got promoted to griddle master, the power went straight to her head." "Oh, I remember that." "There was a couple months where she insisted we call her "the Griddler."" "Ugh." "She was horrible." "She would peck away at every minor flaw you had." "Do you have any idea what it's like to live under that kind of scrutiny?" "I married into that kind of scrutiny." "It became such a hostile work environment, we went to the principal." "She had to go." "Mmm." "Your mother-in-law learned a hard lesson about cafeteria life." "Fly too high, and the heat lamps gonna get ya." "That's a good one." "So it-it was time for her to tapioca out of here." "Yours was better." "Mmm." "It was better." "Mike!" "In here." "Ooh, you better sit down." "Okay." "'Cause this is big." "This is juicy." "And I don't like throwing around the word "bombshell,"" "but bombshell." "Well, what is it?" "Okay, here we go." "Your mom did not retire." "She was fired." "And...?" "And?" "Are you kidding me?" "Your mom was fired." "She lied right to your face." "Eh, she does that." "That's it?" "That's all you're gonna give me?" "I'm sorry, but this is nothing new." "She spins every negative thing in her life so it isn't her fault." "But we don't call it lying." "We call it "Mom's version."" "And in her defense, how else is she gonna live with herself?" "Wait, n-n-no, we need to confront her about this." "I mean, by "we," I mean you, but I want to be there to watch." "I am not confronting her." "Uh, why not?" "Well, I don't know." "Survival?" "Self-preservation?" "I'm scared of her?" "Take your pick." "Well, I am not throwing "Liar, liar," "I didn't even retire" a party." "Oh, yes, you are." "As far as everyone's concerned, she's retired." "But it's not true." ""But, but, but."" "The truth has no place here." "But we will give my mother that party, she will be ungrateful, and we will move on." "How did you survive your childhood?" "What does it look like?" "Eating right and exercising." "This is a very nice party." "Boy, you're easy to please." "These canapés are quite delightful." "Did you need 12 of 'em to decide that?" "So what are your plans now?" "Why does everybody keep asking me that?" "Well, we are at your retirement party." "But I guess we can just sit here in silence." "I'll never retire." "Three weeks after my pop stopped working, he dropped dead." "He was hiking the Grand Canyon and didn't bring any water." "I guess what I'm saying is..." "hydrate." "I hate the taste of water." "Of course you do." "You should hear your mom out there." "I think she actually believes she retired." "Molly, I'm telling you, in her little world, she is retired, her podiatrist is in love with her, and Anderson Cooper isn't gay." "I can't imagine deluding myself like that." "I have to live honestly." "Oh, really?" "So you were born with that hair color?" "Yes." "I was." "That's... why I keep trying to get back to it." "And, uh, y-you were the one who came up with "talk to the hand."" "Maybe not "came up with it," but I brought it to Chicago." "Molly, look, I'm just..." "Ah-ah-ah-ah." "It's great that you retired while you're still able to enjoy..." "I'm sorry, is there anything you enjoy?" "I've only ever really had one passion... cooking." "In bulk." "Well, if that's the case, you sure lucked into the right son." "What are we talking about?" "About how happy you make your mom." "Yeah, he's one in a million." "Always come to visit when I'm not at home, and always tests the plumbing." "Hey, now with your mom being around, when we go over there for your little bathroom breaks, we can stay for lunch, too." "No, no, I like my routine." "I eat lunch at Abe's, and that greasy food sends me to my mother's." "If I eat at Mom's, who knows where I'll be when the muse hits." "Hey, do you think what's-his-name needs any help down at that diner?" "Maybe you could put in a good word for me." "To work at Abe's?" "Uh, n-n-no, y-you don't want to do that." "Why not?" "Because, as your tiara says, you're retired." "Enjoy your golden years." "At home." "Away from people." "I took 18 stitches pushing your big head out my cervix, and you can't do something nice for me?" "What do you call this?" "Boring." "These are all your friends." "Where are mine?" "That's a good question, Ma." "Where are your friends?" "What are you saying?" "Nothing." "Let's just get through this joyous occasion." "You ingrate." "After all I've done for you, you can't put in a good word for me at that crappy diner?" "Oh, believe me, Ma, if I could find a good word," "I'd put it in." "What is that supposed to mean?" "It means I don't want to subject my friends to the Griddler, either." "I know about the cafeteria." "You got fired." "As usual, you don't know squat." "I retired." "And if somebody tells you different, they're liars." "No!" "You're the liar!" "You always have been!" "You got fired because you're bitter and toxic and nobody wants to be around you." "* For she's a jolly good fellow *" "* For she's a jolly... *" "You and I are done." "What happened?" "Mike just told off his mom." "Oh, and I missed it?" "Let's not overdo it with the coffee, Samuel." "I don't know where I'm landing after this lunch." "Come on." "Your mom's house is right on our beat." "Nope." "That commode is dead to me." "Ah, you should appreciate your mother." "Mine is 4,000 miles away, but I can still feel her love every day, like she's right beside me." "Supporting me, comforting me, making me feel like I'm the most important person in the world." "Yeah, well, the one they gave me doesn't do that." "You know, the only thing that kept me in that abusive relationship so long was because of her cooking." "You know?" "She'd-she'd treat me like crap, and then think a five-cheese macaroni casserole was gonna make it all better." "And it did." "Mike, you can't let this go on forever." "Okay?" "She's your mother." "Yeah, well, if you're so in love with her, you can give her a call." "You know what started this whole thing?" "She asked me to help get her a job." "Here." "Seriously?" "What did you tell her?" "I can't have her working here." "That woman is toxic." "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "It's been five days since my last confession." "Go ahead, my child." "Father, this is very hard for me." "How does a good-hearted person who only means well become so prideful and pigheaded?" "Well, we are all weak." "But what is important is that you're acknowledging your mistakes and are willing to repent." "I'm not talking about me." "It's my ungrateful son." "I sacrificed everything for that boy, and how does he pay me back?" "By saying I'm toxic and horrible to be around." "Can you believe that?" "That he would say it, or...?" "I'm not quite sure what you're confessing." "I guess the sin of thinking my only child might appreciate all that I've done for him." "That's not a sin." "That just sounds like being needy." "Hey, I came here for your absolution, not your opinion." "Yes, but I can't absolve you of anything if nothing's your fault." "I'd like to talk to your supervisor." "Is the monsignor around?" "He's on a retreat, Peggy." "It's just me." "Well, then, maybe you need to look at yourself." ""Judge not, lest ye be judged."" "Matthew 7:1." ""First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly."" "Matthew 7:5." ""Thou shalt not covet thy parish's choir director."" "Book of Peggy, chapter one, verse one, phone call to the archdiocese." "We're done here." "Hey, if you can't stand the heat, stay out of the box!" "Hey." "How you doing?" "Good." "Just watching the hockey game." "Well, it's not the same watching it without your mom." "You're right." "It is so much better." "Come on." "What?" "It's quieter, it's less tense." "Nobody's calling me a jinx when the other team scores." "Mike, I know that your... mother can be unpleasant, and abrasive, and manipulative, and vindictive, and a liar, but..." "I mean, there has to be another side." "There has to be." "Baby, you haven't talked to her in a week and a half." "Are you gonna tell me that... that doesn't bother you at all?" "Honestly, I'm fine with it." "I slept nine full hours last night." "I didn't grind my teeth." "I dreamt I could fly." "I mean, you know, I-I don't know what's going on, but I-I couldn't be happier." "You're just riding the high off of telling off your horrible mother, which I still can't believe I missed, but..." "It's time to make this right." "I don't have to make it right." "This is right." "Like when I quit eating spicy food and my heartburn went away." "Now that she's gone, no more acid burps." "You know what?" "I'll bet I could go back to eating Mexican food." "So, what?" "You're never gonna talk to your mother again?" "I'm not committing to nothing until I eat a plate of nachos." "Hey." "Just so you know, by marriage you're dead to me, too." "Peggy, I know you're upset." "Of course I am." "My son humiliated me at my own retirement party." "Because you didn't actually retire." "What do you know?" "I talked to the ladies you used to work with when I invited them to your retirement party." "Which Mike ruined." "Because you're not really retired!" "Okay?" "We are going round and round here." "Why don't you go round and round and out that door?" "Okay, fine." "I'll leave." "But you know what?" "I'm gonna say something first." "If you spend your entire life thinking that everyone you meet is the problem, it just might be you that's the problem." "Now you sound like my priest." "And the mailman." "And that idiot at the deli." "I don't need a number." "I know who I was in front of." "Okay, maybe I'm wrong." "Maybe it is everyone else's fault." "That's what I've been saying!" "Look, Peggy, I get it." "Okay?" "I'm stubborn, too." "Damn right you are." "And a bad cook." "I like where this is going." "The point is that" "I have learned to admit when I'm wrong and to accept responsibility for it." "'Cause I'd rather be wrong and loved than stubborn and alone." "Is any of this landing?" "'Cause I-I can't read that scowl." "I heard you." "Well, then, call your son." "Trust me, you'll feel better." "From one stubborn gal to another." "You know what?" "You're right." "You and I aren't so different." "I don't know if I'd go that far." "Stubborn, always have to get our own way, madly in love with my boy..." "Ew." "I guess what they say is true." "Sons do grow up to marry their mothers." "That's not true." "God, that can't be true." "* For she's a jolly good fellow *" "* Which nobody can deny. *" "This is so much better." "More intimate, not so many strangers." "Well, those strangers were my family." "I didn't mean that." "I meant strange, as in weird." "This is the knife you got to cut the cake?" "You told me to grab the one off the counter." "Never mind." "I'm surprised you didn't grab the can opener." "See?" "This is nice." "I'm sorry." "I should have let you enjoy your motherless high for a few more weeks." "I got a taste." "I should be good for another 35 years." "I can't believe I actually thought she was gonna apologize to you." "Ah, she did in her own way." "Usually, she'd rub something like this in my face." "Now she's pretending like it didn't even happen, which is a big step for her." "Now we can cut the cake." "That is the same knife." "It's a different knife." "She's retired." "Live the lie." "How about a big corner piece for my boy?" "Not too big." "All of a sudden I got really bad heartburn."