"I now call this meeting of NO MA'AM to order." "In honor of brother Griff's one-year anniversary as a member of NO MA'AM we must now think of a practical joke to play on him." "I don't remember anybody pulling a practical joke on me." "Remember on the expressway when your brakes failed and you almost died?" "That was us." "All right, gentlemen, gentlemen." "Brother Dan, it was your job to keep brother Griff away from tonight's meeting." "I don't remember anybody keeping me away from any meeting." "Remember when Dan accidentally shot you in the back and you were hospitalized for seven weeks?" "That was us." "Good one, guys." "So what did you do to Griff?" " Oh, I just had him arrested." " What's the charge?" "Indecent exposure, murder, cannibalism." "Great work, brother Dan." "And that'll give us a lot of time to think of a great joke to play on him." "Now, I think it's only fitting that the joke come from me since I am the king of practical jokes." "No, I'm the king." "Wearing a quilted robe and sitting on a throne all day doesn't make you a king." "I say we have 10 pizzas sent to brother Griff's apartment." "How does he do it?" "I say that we hire a cross-dresser to pick up Griff and seduce him while we get it on tape." "That doesn't compare to pizzas." "All those who are in favor of my practical joke?" " All those in favor of mine?" " Yeah!" "Well, Al, I guess it's obvious where we go from here." "Yes, it is." "You know what?" "Get the hell out of my house!" "Meeting is adjourned." " Sore loser." " Anyway..." "Oh, well." "I guess I better go spring Griff from jail." "Well, it's doughnut night at the nudie bar." "Every hooter is either glazed or jelly-filled." "Griff can wait." "I was robbed." "My pizza joke was better." "Yeah, yeah." "You're right, Al." "You the man." "Let's shake on it." "I gotcha!" "You got me, buddy." "You're right." "You're the king of practical jokes." " Nuts?" " Oh, thanks." "Gotcha!" "Okay." "Okay, Al." "I challenge you to a duel." "May the best joker win." "Let's rock." "This news bulletin just in." "The Chicago Cannibal has been arraigned for over 100 murders." "The cannibal, shown in this picture says he's innocent, claiming there is no evidence." "The D A responded by saying, "evidence, schmevidence."" "Hey, Bud." "Guess who's been arrested for eating people?" "Who, Tommy Lasorda?" "Listen, Kelly, can you please explain to me the outgoing message on our new answering machine?" "Hi, you've reached Kelly." "Please leave a message at the tone." "If you're a girl calling for Bud, hi, Mom!" "That's not very funny to me anymore" "You should see what I just did." "I just had 10 pizzas sent to Jefferson's house." "I am the king of practical jokes." "Oh, my God." "It's Webster!" " Webster!" "Webster!" " Oh, my God!" "I don't think so." "Al Bundy, I was sent here from Publishers Sweepstakes and you've just won $10 million!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "And your mother's not here to share our joy." " Could life be any better?" " No!" "Oh, what's going on?" "Urkel here just gave me 10 million bucks." "Congratulations." "What are you gonna do with all the money?" "I'm gonna quit my job, burn down this house and live out my days on Hooter Island." "Well, on an occasion like this, there's only one thing to say:" "Gotcha!" "All right, cannibal, we know you ate those people." "Now confess!" "I haven't eaten anyone!" "I don't even like ribs." "Call my ex-wife." "We did." "She said she once caught you pouring chocolate syrup on her best friend." "That wasn't cannibalism, that was adultery." "Look." "Let me call my friend Al." "He'll prove I'm innocent." "And will you please stop erasing the messages before I hear them you human futon." "Bud, you didn't get any messages." "Believe me." "With my eagle ears, I listen very carefully to each and every message before I erase them." "Al, it's Griff." "You gotta help me." "I'm in" "Besides, Bud, your girlfriends can't call you here." "You have to call them, and it costs $3.95 a minute." "Kids, kids." "I just pulled the ultimate practical joke on Jefferson." "What?" "You sent him 20 pizzas?" "No, that'd be stupid." "He's full." "No, I put superglue on his toilet seat." "Oh, what kind of moron would fall for that old gag?" "Mark my words, Al, as soon as I can sit down and think of something, you will pay!" "Damn it, Kelly, today I know I had a message because..." "Because I called myself." "Well, then you already have a date for tonight." "Home, sweet hell." "Kids are fighting, dog's a-biting and a good-looking babe in the kitchen cooking me dinner." "A woman cooking me dinner?" "Kids?" "Oh, she said she's an old friend of Mom's." "What the hell did you let her in for?" "Al, I'm June Morgan." "I ran into Peggy in Barcelona, and she told me you were all alone in Chicago." "So I thought I would come by and fix you a gourmet dinner." "Oh, Weenie Tots." "You know, Al, looking around I can see several things that could use a woman's touch." "If you know what I mean?" "With vittles as classy as these, you can stick around and touch anything you want." "Okay, I will." "Daddy!" "You can't let that woman spend the night here." " What about Mom?" " What about her?" "Body's not even cold yet." "You've obviously never slept with your mother." "Oh, come on, kids." "Don't you get it?" "June's not a friend of your mom's." "She's all part of Jefferson's practical joke." "You know, like Rerun and that phony check." "So you'll call Mr. D'Arcy and tell him you're on to his joke?" "No." "I'm gonna beat him at his own game." "Oh, you're gonna pretend to like Mrs. D'Arcy and take all her money?" "No, I'm gonna let June seduce me." "But first, we're gonna eat like royalty." " Yeah." " Weenie Tots." "Come on, come on!" "I didn't eat nobody." "In national news, with the capture of the notorious Chicago Cannibal" " Daddy, guess who's in prison?" " Unless it's Pauly Shore, I do not care." "Bud, get up here." "All right, now, this is the plan." "When June comes down here, she's going to try to seduce me." "You two will be outside videotaping." "What about--?" "What about the walls, Dad?" "Because we can't shoot through the walls." "Bud, you will be videotaping." "Now, Jefferson thinks that I will only go so far with June." "At which point, he will declare victory and tell everyone that I'm not man enough to cheat on my wife." "Instead I will go on the attack, making June back up." "At which point, I will declare victory and proudly tell everyone that I am man enough to cheat on my wife." "Now, let's go get set up." "Come on." "At least when I get married, I get to change my name." "Yeah, this time you should try to change it to one you can spell." "Al, it's me, Peggy." "Honey, I just ran into June Morgan an old rival of mine from Wanker County." "She's held a grudge against me for years just because I stole her fiancé on her wedding day." "I've seen 15 Murder, She Wrotes that started like this." "And get this:" "She swears she's gonna get even by stealing you away from me." "Alsy?" "Can you believe it?" "I forgot to pack a dress." "Well, we all make mistakes." "I forgot to ice down this six-pack of champagne tallboys." "For you, my sweet." "What's going on?" "Well, Dad just poured a can of champagne into his hand." "Oh, I've made men do that." " Your arms, they're so strong." " Well, I sell women's shoes." "Yeah, I can tell." "All right." "I think we've had about enough foreplay." "What's happening now?" "She's got Dad's entire face in her mouth." "Take me, Al." "Take me in the worst way!" "That's the only way I know how." " June." " What?" "June, we" " We can't do this." "Why not?" "Yeah, why not?" "I can't let Jefferson win." "But he's hired someone so good, I have to think of something so horrible, so vile, so disgusting she'll run screaming from the house." "I know." "June, June." "Marry me." "You can't do it, can you?" "No." "You're already married to Peggy." "Was married." "Yeah, she got a quickie Spanish divorce." "That's why she's in Spain." "So what is your answer?" "Yes!" "Yes, I'll marry you!" "Today's trial of the Chicago Cannibal made history." "In only eight minutes he was tried, convicted, and sentenced to die tonight." "Well, this is great." "Everybody's here but my best man." "Where's Griff?" "Griff?" "Griff?" "Wasn't there something I was supposed to do?" "Hell with it." "It's not a matter of life and death." "Hey, preacher man, you made it." "Are we lucky or what?" "Isaac from The Love Boat is also an ordained minister." "And look, Free Willy is also the dork of honor." "Let's get this freak show on the road." " Hey, Jefferson." " Hey, Al." "How come you're not dressed for a wedding?" "What wedding?" "Didn't your friend June tell you all about it?" "If that's her real name." "I don't know any June." "Of course you don't." "Hey, Ike." "Ike, who's getting married?" "Oh, you are good." "You are real good." "We are gathered here today to join this couple in holy matrimony." "Yadda yadda yadda, June, blah blah blah, Al blah blah blah, sight of God." "Oh, this is so beautiful." "I want my first wedding to be just like it." "June, do you take Al to be your lawfully wedded husband?" "Here it comes." "She'll never say "I do."" "I do." "She do." "Al, do you take June to be your lawfully wedded wife?" "What do you want me to say, Jefferson?" "You want me to say you're king?" "I won't say it." "I'm not gonna say it." "Admit that this is your little joke!" "It's not." "This is my joke." "Hi, Al." " Mom!" " Mom!" "I do." " Who is this woman?" " She's nobody." "Just my wife." "Hurry up with the ring, boy!" " What is going on here?" " Well, Peg, it all started with 10 pizzas." "Shut up, Al." "June Morgan, how dare you?" "Well, you stole my fiancé at the Wanker wedding hole." "Get over it." "We were 12." "All right, here's the last of the duty-free doodie." "Al, I'm gonna go hitch a winch up to Mama's girdle and twang her on out of here." "What the hell's going on here?" "It's Jefferson's fault." "He told me I won $10 million." "Yeah, well, you superglued a toilet seat to my ass." "What's a toilet seat?" "Didn't you get the message I left you on the answering machine?" "What's an answering machine?" "No, no." "Nobody seems to get the messages off that answering machine." " Oh, so this is all my fault, then?" " Oh, no, honey." "Once again, this is your father's fault." "You know what you're gonna have to do to make this up to me, don't you?" "Oh, no, Peg!" "Not upstairs!" "Oh, no, honey." "We're gonna do it standing up." "Right here in front of everyone." "For the 37th time, Bundy, do you take this woman to be your wife?" "For the thirty-seventh, - eighth and -ninth times:" "No, no, no." "Come on, Al." "It's not like we're really getting married." "We're just renewing our vows." "Besides, Dad's got you covered." "Just like old times, eh, Ephraim?" "Only this time, the gun is loaded." "And so am I." " Well, Bundy?" " I'm not saying it." "The drunken hillbilly's gonna have to kill me before I say it again." " Say what?" " "I do."" " Gotcha!" " No, Peg, that doesn't count!" "Oh, Al."