"A little lower, Geoffrey." "Geoffrey?" "Oh, hi, honey." "It's you!" "The kids aren't back from the airport with Will yet." "In that case, I have an idea." "Take no prisoners, Daddy." "Speaking of prisoners, let's talk about Will." "You know, maybe Bel-Air Prep isn't the right place for the boy." "Maybe he could get more from a different environment." "So could we." "Come on, I'll race you to the Jacuzzi." "Wait a minute, now." "I found a school... that's a little further away than we're used to." "How much further?" "Switzerland." "Now that that's settled, I'll go fire up the Jacuzzi." "Back it up." "Philip, how could you even suggest shipping Will off to some boarding school?" "Okay, I'm sorry, you're absolutely right." "Will's a great kid, I've even grown to sort of..." "Anyway, I'm sorry I even mentioned Switzerland." "Okay." " Y ou're forgiven." " Thank you." "Would you consider Great Britain?" "Well, a man can dream, can't he?" "Vivian, I'm sorry." "It's just that it's been so peaceful here... since Will's been in Philly." "And, boarding school's not so bad, is it, Geoffrey?" "Geoffrey went to boarding school." "Tell her, Geoffrey." "Madam, I went to boarding school." "And then I went to therapy." "Who asked you?" "Get my lunch." "Right away, sir." "The man has a tapeworm." "Philip, when Will gets here, please be nice." "Otherwise, you're going to be bunking with Mr. Couch." "Woman, please... do you think that you can manipulate me with sex?" "Does James Brown have a perm?" "Oh, Lord, I don't know whether to dive under the table or do the running man." " G!" " Master William!" "Uncle Fink." "Will, it's so nice to have you home." "Uncle Phil, you look great, man." "Y ou look like you lost some... hair." "Looks like the whole Jackson family could live in those pants." "Daddy, that's how all the brothers are dressing in Philly." "No wonder Willy Williams moved to LA." "Carlton, honey, what happened?" "Will told everyone at the airport I was Bryant Gumbel." "I thought I'd get my luggage faster." "Y ou poor baby, what did they do?" "Mob you for autographs?" "No, five old ladies attacked me for being mean to Willard." "Hey, it was worth it." "We got the luggage." "My sister." "Daddy, I need $500." " Will!" " Hil!" "Daddy, I need $500." "Hil, you should really consider expanding your vocabulary a little." "Hilary, honey, if it's for the barbecue we're catering this afternoon... we have already paid you." "It's not for the barbecue." "I just want $500." "Come on, Hil, please, at least kiss him first." "What is that?" "That would be Aisha." "Oh, no." "Y ou're right, Uncle Phil, wrong area code." "That would be Stacy." "Vivian, tell me that's not a beeper." "Can I have one, Daddy?" "When Jesse Jackson gets a job." "Will, there'll be no beepers worn in this house." "Y o, what's up, Uncle Phil?" "My mom let me wear it in Philly." "That's because she's your mother and she loves you." "I'm your uncle." "I just try not to hurt you." "Come on, Uncle Phil, I need to keep in touch with my tasties." "I beg your pardon?" "His tasties, Daddy." "Y ou know, his chubbies, his slimmies, his old ladies?" "And, who are you?" "Queen Latifah?" "See, look..." "Just think of it as honeys on my hip, Uncle Phil, you know?" "It's like I need to keep in touch with my squaws, right?" "See otherwise, you know, they get all frazzled and frantic and everything." " Y ou know how it is, right, Uncle Phil?" " No, I do not." "That's because you only got one squaw and you all never go nowhere." "Well, this one squaw says take your behind upstairs, change, and no beeper." "And, Philip, how come we don't ever go nowhere?" "Hold it, hold it, hold it." "What about my freedom to express myself?" "Will, back off." "The big, fat vein in Daddy's head is starting to throb." "Y eah, and he hasn't given me my money yet." "No, come on, Hil, we cool." "Y ou know... it ain't really serious till his right eye start twitching." "Okay, posse up." "And may I say that if you go with our firm... it'll be the best decision you ever made." "Well, enough business talk, Mr. And Mrs. Cornfeld." "Please, enjoy the party." " Thank you." "Call me Norma." " Norma." "And, you can call me Whitey." "I think not." "Everyone does, on account of my white hair." "White hair." "Hello." "Welcome to our home." "I'm Vivian, Philip's wife." "Vivian, say hi to Whitey." "Hello, Whitey." "Philip, why am I calling that man Whitey?" "Y o, yo, yo..." "Mommy... and Daddy." "Oh, look." "It's the entertainment." "I think this is our youngest daughter, Ashley." "She just had a brain operation." "Her head's a little swollen, hence the hat." "Very good, honey." "Ashley, what are you wearing?" "Will got it for me in Philly." "Ain't it fly?" " Switzerland, Vivian." " Not far enough, Philip." "Ashley, go upstairs and change right now." "But, I like it." "And if I don't wear it, it'll hurt Will's feelings." "If you do wear it, you'll never see 18." "I never liked Will, anyway." "Will, you must change." "Carlton, you must grow." "Will, you better change before Dad sees you." "What are you talking about, man?" "I'm making a statement." "What statement? "I'm out on parole"?" "Will, get away from the buffet table." "Y our jail suit is scaring the people away." "With all due respect, Hilary, it's not Will's fault, it's..." "How shall I put this?" "The food sucks." "Man, what are you talking about?" "It looks good to me." "The pepper's moving." "That is the last time I buy sushi out of the trunk of a car." "Tuna roll?" "Will, take off those clothes." "I would, Aunt Viv, but I wouldn't want to make all your guests jealous." "Will, please, these are very important clients." "At least take off that ridiculous hat." "Wonderful party, Banks." "Y ou really know how to court a client." "Thank you." "This is my nephew, Will." "And this is his hair." "It's a pleasure to meet you both." "Call me Whitey." "No, I'm gonna call you that... then you gonna call me the other thing, and we're gonna be here fighting." "Will, Whitey is the president of a very prestigious savings and loan." "Oh, really?" "Guess a lot of your buddies wearing suits like this now, huh?" "Why don't we just go over here, and..." "Move it over here, Whitey." " Y ou all right, Uncle Phil?" " Will... you just insulted a potential..." "Put your hat on." " Y ou just told me to take my hat off." " Put it on!" "That's me." "Chill, fellas." "I got that right here." "That's Stacy again, sweating me." "Y ou want to handle this one, big guy, or shall I?" " Shut up, Carlton." " Good call." "Will, I told you there will be no beepers worn in my house." "Well, I didn't really disobey you, Uncle Phil, 'cause, see... technically, we not in the house." "Smog." "Get rid of that thing." "Come on, Uncle Phil, what's wrong?" "Do you think everybody's gonna think I'm a drug dealer?" "Why wouldn't they think I'm a doctor?" "'Cause everyone knows Buckwheat never went to medical school." "Will, put your hat back on." "I'm so confused." "Well, let me clarify it for you, Will." "Get rid of the hair, get rid of the clothes, and give me the beeper." "I don't really think that Stacy's your type, Uncle Phil." "Do you think that just because there are a lot of people around... you can defy me openly and get away with it?" " Well, I was kind of hoping, since..." " Get upstairs!" "Uncle Phil, man, why you making such a big deal about this?" "Boy, as long as you live in my house, you will do what I say." "Maybe I won't be in your house, then." "Good." " Well, all right." " Y eah." " Well, I'm out of here, then." " Bye." "And what are you looking at, Whitey?" "I'll help you with those, ma'am." "No you won't, worm head." "And there's more where that come from, chump." "What's up, man?" " What's up, J?" " When did you get back?" "I just got back this morning, man." "Man, welcome home." "Later." "Jazz!" "Jazz!" "Weren't you just here?" "I've been gone all summer." "Isn't there something else you'd like to say to me?" "Now that you mention it, yeah." "Y ou dating Whoopi Goldberg?" "How about "come in," man?" "I need a place to crash." "Whoa." "Y ou got a place to crash." "A mansion with a pool, a tennis court... and a toilet that flushes without using a coat hanger." "Not no more, man." "Dang, your toilet broke, too?" "No, Jazz, it's my uncle, man." "He kicking me all this static." "I told him, "y ou can't accept me for me, I'm out of here."" "I'm with you, my brother." "So, I can stay with you?" "No." "I already have company." "What company?" "Company with breasts." "Look, Jazz, can you ask them to come back another time, please?" "Jazz, I'm getting lonely." "They're lonely." "Jazz, if you don't let me stay here, I'm going to be out on the street, man." "Jazz..." "Sorry, my brother... but those are the harsh realities of the cruel world in which we habitate." "And now, booty awaits me." "Jazz, if our friendship means anything to you, you'll open this door right now." "I walked 10 miles and took four buses to get here, now open this door." "That's more like it." "Don't tell me I can't stay at your crib." "We supposed to be boys." "Y ou got some girl up in there, you won't..." "What's up, man?" "Dang, I thought I was having a bad hair day." "Y ou going bald, man." "Y ou about to look like my uncle in a minute." "I never had a dog, man, so... you know, we going to swing out for a little bit, all right?" "Y ou're the only friend I got, man." "This is a black thing, right?" "Y ou're going to pee on my foot." "All right, you got that." "Damn!" "You are too c/ose to the vehic/e." "Who said that?" "You are too c/ose to the vehic/e." "I heard you the first time." "You have 10 seconds to move away before the a/arm activates." "Oh, really now?" "Ten seconds, I knew you was full of it." "Chill, chill!" "Who are you talking to, son?" "Actually, I was talking to the car, Officer." "Oh, the car talks?" "No, it's kind of fly, actually." "Check it out." "No, no, chill, no, watch." "No, no, wait, wait, hold it." "Check it out, check it out." "The car, it say, "move or I'll kill you," or something like that." "Guess the cat's got its tongue." "Damn!" "You are too c/ose to the vehic/e." "Philip, Will's been gone for seven hours now." "What if something's happened to him?" "Don't try to cheer me up, Vivian." "Philip, I'm serious." "Do something." "What do you want me to do?" "I've got Geoffrey out scouring the city." "I'm terribly sorry, sir, I've looked everywhere." "There isn't an ice cream sandwich left in this town." "Vivian." "Ashley, what are you doing out of bed?" "I'm worried about Will." "Why did you throw him out into the street, Daddy?" "I did not throw him into the street." "Quite right, sir." "Y ou threw him on the lawn." "He rolled into the street." "Daddy, we couldn't find Will anywhere." "And, sorry, no ice cream sandwiches." "Looks like you really blew it this time, huh, big guy?" "I just hope the Willster's still breathing." "Will!" "Oh, honey, thank God you're safe." "Hi, Aunt Viv." "Y ou stink." "Boy, it's good to be home." "Is there a problem, Officer?" "Oh, right." "Just 'cause I come in the crib in the middle of the night... escorted by a police officer, you think something's wrong." "See how he be trying to play me, Fred?" "Thank you so much for bringing him home, Officer." "Well, Will, I guess I better beat it." " Good night, folks." " Good night." "What, I got a boogie?" "Will, I am very disappointed in you." "I can't believe the trouble you've caused this family." "Y our aunt's right." "Y ou've been back from Philly one day... you insult a client and you storm out of this house like a crazy man... and worry this family half to death." "And I don't appreciate the influence you're having on your cousin Ashley." "He's not a bad influence on me, Daddy." "I have a mind of my own." "If that's okay with you." "Look at that." "It's like you got her brainwashed." "That's right, and it took me 13 years to do it." " Dad, can I say something?" " What is it, Carlton?" "Y ou forgot the part about Will getting arrested." "Y ou all trying to play me like that, right?" "What if he told you that you couldn't wear plaid anymore?" "Don't joke about that, Will." "What if he told you that you couldn't entertain men in the Jacuzzi anymore?" "When did you have a man in the Jacuzzi?" "This isn't about me." "It's about Will." "Come on y'all." "It's about all of us." "I mean, look, we're young adults here." "I mean, we have a right to our own opinions." "Y eah!" "Look, today it's my beeper, tomorrow it's going to be who you can date... or how to vote, or what college to go to." "That's such bulldoody." "Dad knows I'm going to y ale." "Y ou're going to Princeton." "I don't want to go to Princeton." "Hold on a minute." "I want to know when you had a man in the Jacuzzi." "Look, that's my private life." "That's between me, that man, and his video camera." "Look..." "Uncle Phil, I'm saying, what's the difference... between me wearing this, and you in the sixties?" "Y ou wore a dashiki and an afro." "But I was making a cultural statement." "Y ou're just drawing attention to yourself." "But, now correct me if I'm wrong... but you don't think a 6'3", 250-pound black dude... in a dashiki... and an afro the size of West Philly is drawing attention to himself?" "I am just trying to save you from going through the same hassles... that I went through." "But I'm saying, why would you want to?" "Look how good you turned out." "Y eah, Daddy." "He's got you there, big guy." "I'm with Will, Dad." "Good." "Well, Will..." "I hate to admit it, but I guess you have a point." "I do?" "Just because you live in my house doesn't mean I can control you." "It don't?" "So, you can express yourself any way you want to." "Keep the clothes, keep the hair and the beeper." "Knock yourself out." "All right." "But, you know..." "Now, I've been thinking." "Y ou know, I have... a need to... express myself, too." "I don't know, Uncle Phil, you might be able to get one little twist right here..." "No, no, no, that's not quite what I had in mind." "Y ou see, I can't force you to do anything you don't want to do." "But, these... are my kids." "So, as long as you keep the hair... the clothes and the beeper... you're all grounded." "Good night." "Nice try." "All right, look y'all, this is a classic case of divide and conquer." "Look, Malcolm warned us about this." "Get him!" "We're going to swing out for a little while, all right?" "'Cause you're the only friend I got right now." "Lift!" "Lift!" "Lift!" "Lift!" "Lift!"