"(soft orchestral music playing)" "♪" "♪" "♪" "(booming explosion)" "(distant screaming)" "(panicked shouting)" "(sirens wailing, horns honking)" "(sirens wailing, car horn honks)" "(high-pitched ringing)" "(muffled)" "ARCHER:" "Mawp." "Mawp." "Mawp!" "(groans)" "Was that a flashbang?" "MALORY:" "Sterling?" "ARCHER:" "Mawp?" "Ow!" "MALORY:" "Do something." "ARCHER:" "What?" "I brought roses." "Jesus, Mother, it's just your birthday, not the..." "MALORY:" "About that!" "ARCHER:" "Oh." "Duh." "LANA:" "Archer!" "ARCHER: (gasps) Lana!" "LANA (mocking): "Lana!" Ugh." "(slurping)" "Not her birthday." "ARCHER:" "Ah!" "(grunts)" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "No, move!" "Get away from us!" "PAM:" "Yeah, they're shooting at you!" "ARCHER:" "Who?" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "The storm-ninjas!" "ARCHER:" "What?" "That's not a thing, idiot!" "Oh." "I stand corrected." "LANA:" "Son of a...!" "Bitches, I am pregnant!" "CYRIL:" "Yes!" "(laughs)" "Who could forget?" "With the bastard spawn of a total stranger." "LANA:" "Okay, first of all..." "Cover your eyes and ears!" "CYRIL:" "You're not the boss of me!" "(explosion)" "(high-pitched ringing)" "CYRIL:" "Meep?" "Meep?" "(laughs)" "LANA:" "What's that, Beaker?" "ARCHER:" "Oh, my God, is Beaker not the best?" "Meep, meep, meep!" "And wait, what's his, uh..." "the name of..." "Brett!" "BRETT:" "No, no, no, leave me alone!" "ARCHER:" "Shut up." "Who's Beaker's boss?" "BRETT:" "What?" "ARCHER:" "Beaker's boss." "BRETT:" "Goddamn it, I can't hear..." "ARCHER:" "Brett?" "Well, he died doing what he loved." "Getting shot." "CYRIL:" "Meep." "Meep." "LANA:" "Archer!" "Who the hell..." "ARCHER:" "Shut up, it's on the tip of my tongue!" "LANA:" "What is?" "!" "ARCHER:" "Beaker's boss!" "LANA:" "What?" "GILLETTE:" "She meant who the hell are these guys, you big dumb idiot asshole!" "ARCHER:" "Said the guy in a wheelchair!" "GILLETTE:" "What the...?" "ARCHER:" "I just frickin' got here, Ray!" "How the hell should I..." "No..." "LANA:" "No, no, no, no, no, no..." "CYRIL:" "What, what're you...?" "Oh." "GILLETTE:" "Oh, boy." "AGENT:" "FBI!" "Nobody move!" "FBI!" "(Malory sighs wearily)" "MALORY:" "Second worst birthday ever." "ARCHER:" "What?" "How is this better than your second fake 50th?" "HOLLY:" "Oh, come on, guys, we talked about this!" "You're supposed to yell "FBI" at the beginning." "After the flashbangs, but before Other Fat Mike gets shot." "AGENT:" "Ow." "HOLLY:" "And what happened with getting "FBI"" "on the fronts of the uniforms, huh?" "AGENT:" "Ow!" "HOLLY:" "Huh?" "ARCHER:" "Uh, what happened with since when the hell does the frickin' FBI get off..." "HOLLY:" "Sterling Archer?" "ARCHER:" "Yes!" "What?" "!" "HOLLY:" "I'm Special Agent in Charge Holly, and you are extremely under arrest." "ARCHER: (laughs) For what?" "HOLLY:" "Uh, in addition to the attempted murder of a federal agent?" "ARCHER:" "Yes." "HOLLY:" "Well, there's gonna be just a whole bunch of charges, but mostly treason." "ARCHER:" "Treason?" "LANA:" "What?" "Archer, what'd you do?" "HOLLY:" "No, no, not just him." "You, too, Miss Kane." "LANA:" "What?" "!" "HOLLY:" "Yeah." "Everybody." "Especially you, Ms. Archer." "LANA:" "Is this about the fake hydrogen bomb?" "MALORY:" "Lana!" "HOLLY:" "No, but let's put a pin in that." "This is about conducting espionage operations, for years, with no authority or permission whatsoever, from the United States government." "(Lana gasps)" "ARCHER:" "Wait, what?" "Mother!" "LANA:" "Like, 50 times I asked you about that!" "MALORY:" "And like 50 times I lied." "Sue me." "I want my phone call." "AGENT (over radio):" "Uh, sir?" "It's like you said, he's dug in there like a tick, and..." "KRIEGER (over radio):" "Never!" "You'll never take me alive!" "(Holly sighs wearily)" "HOLLY:" "Okay, breach it." "AGENT:" "Roger that." "(explosion)" "KRIEGER:" "On second thought, I very much prefer to be taken alive." "Just let me clear the ol' browser history and..." "No, no, no, no, no... oof!" "Oh, come on!" "HOLOGRAM:" "Ooh, G-man-san." "ARCHER:" "I'm serious, you are not putting those on me." "HOLLY:" "Mr. Archer, please turn around and place your hands behind your back." "ARCHER: (laughs) Or what?" "What are you gonna do, taser..." "(Archer gibbering)" "(Archer sputters)" "(Cheryl/Carol gasps)" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Do me!" "Do me!" "Do me, do me, do me!" "HOLLY:" "I'm not tasering you, so just..." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Do me!" "(Holly grunts)" "(taser clicking, Cheryl/Carol groaning)" "(Cheryl/Carol sighs)" "Thank you." "MALORY:" "Ugh." "Our tax dollars hard at work." "(laughing):" "Well, not mine, obviously, but..." "HOLLY:" "What's that?" "MALORY:" "Damn it." "ARCHER:" "Whatever, Cyril." "I don't care who you are, when you get zapped with 50,000 volts, it's like, like..." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Sploosh." "And then it's like wave after wave crashing over you, into you, and..." "ARCHER:" "Will you shut up?" "PAM:" "You shut up." "Let her talk." "ARCHER:" "You shut up!" "PAM:" "Make me!" "(shouting, grunting)" "(Malory whistles loudly)" "ALL:" "Ow!" "Ow!" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Jesus!" "MALORY:" "All of you." "Shut your various holes and listen to me very carefully." "CYRIL:" "Why, so you can tell us more lies?" "KRIEGER:" "Yeah." "(all muttering)" "MALORY:" "So I can save you from life in prison!" "Sorry, Ramona, I know to you it's just one big sexy briar patch, but..." "GILLETTE:" "You know..." "MALORY:" "Zip it!" "That goes for all of you!" "And when we get in there, you keep it zipped." "Because there's a chance I can make this all go away, but only if you people don't try to save your own necks by ratting out everyone else!" "(all muttering)" "MALORY:" "Damn it, trust me!" "And say nothing!" "You heard me, J. Edna." "LANA:" "Not one word." "ARCHER:" "Well, except for those three." "And then those five." "And..." "LANA:" "Archer!" "ARCHER:" "Then that one." "CYRIL:" "I really shouldn't say anything." "I mean, unless you can guarantee me..." "GILLETTE:" "Total immunity." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "And I mean from everything." "GILLETTE:" "Including anything you find on my computer." "Or in my crawlspace." "PAM:" "Oh, and throw a bone into me." "AGENT 2:" "Excuse me?" "GILLETTE:" "I said Ms. Archer had an affair with the head of the KGB for, like, 30 years." "CHERYL/CAROL (laughs):" "Yeah, until he got blown up." "Which was actually my fault." "CYRIL:" "Because she was busy having choke-sex with a murderous cyborg, who then became the new head of the KGB." "KRIEGER:" "Until I built a sexier one out of illegal Soviet parts." "And a corpse." "PAM:" "There was no shortage of dead bodies around ISIS." "GILLETTE:" "One of which belonged to the prime minister of goddamn Italy." "CYRIL:" "Oh, Jesus, I forgot about the..." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Giant pot farm in West Virginia." "PAM:" "And this whole other thing with the Yakuza." "GILLETTE:" "Irish Mob." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Piracy." "CYRIL:" "White slavery." "PAM:" "No, actual piracy." "With, like, boats." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "I want to say..." "Burt Reynolds?" "CYRIL:" "Poaching alligators..." "GILLETTE:" "Smuggling Mexicans..." "KRIEGER:" "Defiling a corpse..." "CYRIL:" "Defiling a different corpse..." "PAM:" "Kidnapping the Pope..." "CHERY/CAROL: (laughing)" "Faking my own kidnapping!" "Arson." "PAM:" "Bumfights!" "You know, like when you pay bums to..." "CYRIL:" "Destroy an oil pipeline in..." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "I want to say Burt Reynolds." "CYRIL: ..." "Turkmenistan?" "KRIEGER:" "Odessa." "You know, the ratlines?" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Where you make it look like a murder-suicide, but..." "KRIEGER:" "Is it murder if they were my own clones?" "I'm seriously asking." "GILLETTE:" "Oh, because, speaking of sexual assault..." "PAM (munching):" "Which time?" "'Cause for one of 'em I got a pretty good excuse." "AGENT 2:" "Can I stop you?" "Please?" "PAM:" "That's what he said." "(Pam clears throat)" "Inappropriate." "CYRIL:" "Geez, when you just list everything ISIS has done, it sounds kind of bad." "AGENT 3:" "And so if I were you..." "ARCHER:" "You'd get laid a lot more?" "AGENT 3:" "I'd start talking." "Everybody else is!" "They're in there right now, saying he's the brains behind ISIS." "LANA:" "Ha!" "ARCHER:" "Exactly, I..." "Hey, screw you!" "LANA:" "Screw you!" "Mr. My Mother's A Lying Bitch And I'm Too Stupid To Realize" "My Life's A Pathetic Joke!" "ARCHER:" "Oh, nice to meet you, Mrs. Hello My Kid's From A Sperm" "Bank Since I Can't Keep A Man Because In Addition To My Jillion Neuroses" "I Have A Weird-looking Vagina!" "(Lana gasps)" "(Archer and Lana grunting)" "AGENT 3:" "Okay, knock it off." "Hey!" "(FBI Agents grunting)" "ARCHER:" "I can't believe they fell for that." "LANA:" "Ahem." "Miss what?" "ARCHER:" "Sorry, it-it's not that weird look..." "Lana!" "(gunshot)" "ARCHER:" "Thought you were gonna shoot me." "LANA:" "Day's not over." "ARCHER:" "And seriously, Lana, sorry for what I said." "Then that's where you say..." "(Archer yells)" "LANA:" "Good-bye, Archer." "ARCHER:" "Where do you think you're going?" "LANA:" "Not to jail with you and your mother." "ARCHER:" "Well, you know, we can ask the judge..." "LANA:" "You know prisons aren't co-ed, right?" "ARCHER:" "Oh." "Okay, we got to get out of here." "LANA: "We"?" "There is no "we" anymore, Archer!" "Well, there's this we..." "ARCHER:" "Uh..." "LANA:" "Oh, shit." "ARCHER:" "Yeah." "You're gonna be a great mother." "LANA:" "I could start smoking crack today, and he'd still turn out better than you." "ARCHER:" "And why is that?" "Because I never had a father, Lana?" "So why don't you shut up, and then also marry me." "LANA:" "What?" "!" "ARCHER:" "I'm serious-- we can go underground, get new identities, and spend the rest of our lives together, Lana." "We'll be a family." "You, me, the baby and your not-that-weird-looking vagina." "LANA:" "Okay, don't take this the wrong way... but I would rather lose the baby." "ARCHER:" "Wha..." "I..." "LANA:" "Okay, that-that wasn't..." "I didn't..." "ARCHER:" "Excuse me." "(Lana sighs)" "(Archer laughing)" "ARCHER:" "Jesus Christ, come on, you idiot." "(Lana grunts)" "CYRIL: "I have read this statement, each page of which bears my initials, and I do hereby certify..."" "PAM: "That the facts herein are true and correct, signed Pamela Poovey."" "Cyril Figgis." "RAY: "Raymond Q. Gillette."" "KRIEGER: "Algernop Krieger."" "CHERYL/CAROL: "Cheryl and/or Carol Tunt."" "Now, I would like a ride home, please." "Preferably in an Apache helicopter." "PAM:" "And I believe there was some mention of throwing a bone into me?" "FBI AGENT 2:" "What are you talking about?" "PAM:" "A penis in my vagina." "Or wherever, but come on, chop-chop, I got to go start enjoying my immunity." "(FBI Agent 2 laughs)" "FBI AGENT 2:" "Yeah, you said immunity." "I didn't." "RAY:" "Dukes!" "CYRIL:" "God!" "KRIEGER:" "Damn it!" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "So is that a "no" on the Apache, or...?" "(knocking)" "FBI AGENT 4:" "Oh, my God, okay, so this ditz..." "Oh." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Now who's the ditz, huh?" "LANA:" "Would you just come on?" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "I'm seriously asking." "PAM:" "Aw, but look at him." "All tied up like a sexy little Christmas ham." "CYRIL:" "And can I just go on record as saying I think this is an extremely bad idea?" "LANA:" "You know what's a bad idea?" "Prison." "ARCHER:" "Because, spoiler alert, they're unisex." "PAM:" "Hello, best part." "HOLLY:" "Yeah?" "ARCHER:" "Uh, uh..." "CHERYL/CAROL (old lady voice):" "Oh, Clyde?" "Clyde, is that you?" "It's me, dear, Mrs. J. Edgar Hoover's mother." "HOLLY:" "Um... it's open." "Ma'am." "ARCHER:" "Nobody move!" "Or..." "MALORY:" "What the hell are you doing?" "ARCHER:" "Getting us out of here." "MALORY:" "I've already done that." "Let him go." "And you'll just have to put that on my..." "whatever... crime tab." "HOLLY:" "No, no, no, no, no." "Taking a federal agent hostage is a separate charge." "MALORY:" "Oh, well, then perhaps we should get him back on the phone." "HOLLY:" "I... that..." "I-I don't..." "There's no need to bother the..." "Eh, look." "If you'll just sign this form..." "MALORY:" "Doo, doo, doo." ""In lieu of criminal prosecutions for..."" "Doo, doo, doo... "Treason, I hereby forfeit ISIS headquarters." "(all groaning)" "And also agree to permanently cease and desist any and all ISIS operations."" "(all gasping)" "ARCHER:" "Oh, my God." "HOLLY:" "Or face a mandatory sentence of life in federal prison without parole." "ARCHER:" "You got to be kidding me." "MALORY: "Signed, Malory Archer."" "LANA:" "Oh, my God." "ARCHER:" "No, uh-uh, nope." "Because correct me if I'm wrong, but that entire document is completely unenforceable." "I correct you." "You are wrong." "MALORY:" "For God's sake, Sterling, it's the government." "Even if it weren't legal, they'd enforce it." "HOLLY:" "Hey, save it for four ninths of the Supreme Court." "MALORY:" "Oh, shut up." "And unless there's anything else?" "HOLLY:" "Uh, just this, releasing the bureau from any claims relating to the death of your employee..." "Brett, uh, Bunson?" "ARCHER:" "Oh, my God!" "LANA:" "What?" "ARCHER:" "Beaker's boss!" "Bunsen frickin' Honeydew!" "Woooooo!" "(groans)" "That was figuratively killing me." "ARCHER:" "I can't believe they're taking our building." "LANA:" "Screw the building!" "What about our jobs?" "Oh, and our health insurance." "Which I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need." "KRIEGER:" "I'll be your doctor." "LANA:" "Well, if I want Hitler's DNA spliced into him, I'll give you a call." "KRIEGER:" "Yeah, I'm around." "MALORY:" "Well, as for me, I think I'll start shopping my memoirs." "How does the title" "Secrets and Silk grab you?" "ARCHER:" "Tightly by my childhood's throat." "MALORY:" "Oh, you're just jealous." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Yeah, jealous of my fallback career." "PAM (laughing):" "As what?" "An actual acorn?" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "As America's number one country singer." "LANA:" "And kudos." "But for the rest of us trapped in the realm of possibility..." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "I'm gonna be bigger than Mac Davis." "And Mac Davis can totally suck it." "ARCHER:" "And you can all suck it because I am gonna play professional lacrosse." "LANA:" "Okay, even if that were a real thing..." "ARCHER:" "Is it not?" "LANA: ...you are way too old." "ARCHER:" "I am not..." "Oh, my God." "I am way too old." "(cracks knuckles)" "PAM:" "Welp, hope I'm not too old to get back into underground fighting." "CYRIL:" "Darn." "All those jobs are awesome." "LANA:" "And by awesome you mean delusional." "CYRIL:" "Because it's gonna be hard to go back to an accounting firm after this job." "ARCHER:" "Especially after Mother gives you a shitty reference." "Mother, do that." "CYRIL:" "I meant it'll be boring." "Although, I guess I could always go back to being a defense attorney." "(all groaning)" "LANA:" "When were you ever a lawyer?" "CYRIL:" "Lana, we had long talks about this." "How I went to night school to pass the CPA exam because I was so burned out defending scumbags as a public defender?" "Numerous..." "long talks." "LANA:" "With me?" "CYRIL:" "Oh, for..." "(Archer laughs)" "Well, don't come crying to me when that fatherless kid of yours buys a gun and steals a car, and he tries to run but he don't get far!" "CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ In the ghetto where Mac Davis sucks it. ♪" "ARCHER:" "Are you done?" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Are you done?" "!" "Again, seriously asking." "ARCHER:" "Yes." "So I guess we should talk about the elephant in the room." "Namely..." "What are we gonna do with literally, not figuratively, a ton of cocaine?" "MALORY:" "Well..." "LANA:" "Wha...?" "Oh, come on!" "ARCHER:" "What, Lana, we must be talking..." "CYRIL:" "Wholesale?" "Uh, 50, 60 million?" "LANA (laughs):" "Wholesale." "So, what, we form a cartel?" "MALORY:" "Well, how hard could it be?" "I mean..." "LANA:" "Don't." "MALORY: ...if Mexicans can do it." "(ice clinks in glass)" "ARCHER: $50 million, Lana." "We sell this and we're out." "I promise." "MALORY:" "Dr. Krieger has devised a way to transport the cocaine undetected." "ARCHER:" "You're probably gonna want to try to minimize the sweating." "We're gonna go ahead and take the cocaine and the money." "MALORY:" "What do you mean counterfeit?" "ARCHER:" "The Yakuza?" "MALORY:" "Amphetamines?" "!" "ARCHER:" "Well, Pam screwed the Yakuza out of a million bucks of amphetamines, so now they're gonna cut her head off." "CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Baby, please don't go ♪" "ARCHER:" "Get down!" "CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Baby, please don't go ♪" "MALORY:" "Ron!" "ARCHER:" "Yeah, this is actually a little harder than I thought." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Because I don't fly." "ARCHER:" "So, you've only got 24 hours to drive to Texas?" "(laughing)" "Did you tell anybody we were hauling a shitload of coke?" "CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Yeah, your girl done gone down to the county farm ♪" "Take me with you!" "Outlaw country!" "Woooooo!" "MAN:" "Honey, you're number 14 nationwide." "ROY ACUFF:" "How bout a big ol' country welcome for Cherlene!" "CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Before I be your dog get you way down here make you walk alone" "Baby, please don't go ♪" "Woooooo!" "SANTOS:" "Incredible." "I must meet this woman." "CYRIL:" "Well, what do you think is gonna happen when three gringos waltz in and start asking around for the woman who runs the entire Cali cartel?" "ARCHER:" "Wooohooohooohoooo!" "(man grunts)" "LANA:" "Are you sure you cannot make love to me just once more?" "ARCHER:" "Not without a blood transfusion." "LANA:" "Very well." "ARCHER:" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "(yells)" "CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Baby, please don't go down to New Orleans" "You know I love you so Baby, please don't go ♪" "LANA:" "You're doing the exact thing you promised me you wouldn't!" "ARCHER:" "I was kidding." "(tiger growls)" "CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Before I be your dog Before I be your dog ♪" "SANTOS:" "Welcome to San Marcos." "CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Before I be your dog get you way down here" "And let you walk alone ♪" "CYRIL:" "So, couple things." "ARCHER:" "Oh, goddamn it." "Did you fart in that?" "CHERYL/ CAROL: ♪ You know how I feel right now?" "♪" "(grunting)" "♪ My baby's leaving (laughing)" "♪ On that midnight train (siren blaring)" "♪ And I'm crying CYRIL:" "Suppressing fire!" "CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Baby, please don't go ♪" "ARCHER:" "Goddamn it, Cyril!" "CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Baby, please don't go" "Baby, please don't go ♪" "HOLLY:" "You're running out of options, Archer." "CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Baby, please don't go ♪" "SANTOS:" "I want Archer dead!" "CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Baby, please don't go down to New Orleans" "You know I love you so Baby, please don't go ♪" "MALORY:" "I think you just stumbled backwards into a CIA arms deal." "(Cheryl/Carol screams)" "(explosion)" "RAY:" "They kidnapped Cherlene!" "LANA:" "Archer!" "PAM:" "We just started a frickin' coup!" "CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ Before I be your dog get you way down here" "Make you walk alone" "Baby, please don't go, yeah ♪" "LANA:" "Archer, my water just broke." "CHERYL/CAROL: ♪ All right now. ♪" "ARCHER:" "And for what it's worth, I'm pretty sure I just invaded Laos." "(woman speaking Vietnamese)" "And, Chi, I swear to God, mention the compass again and just see what happens." "(tiger roars)" "ARCHER:" "Archer Vice." "LANA:" "What?" "ARCHER:" "Nothing." "Shut up."