"But, so now you're gonna push me back into school and that's something I worked very hard to get out of." "Ok, so-so..." "Now I have to go back to school to take adult education?" "Well, you don't have to, that's the beauty of it." "It's much more exciting..." "Dad, as you remember I'm not good in school." "I didn't do well in college." "I didn't do well in the thing before college, what was that called?" "High school." "Right, I didn't do well in high school." "I uh... and all the other schools." "Well, that's not true." "You excelled in junior high school." "You were a star athlete, a straight "A" student." "You know who I'm thinking of?" "Who's that kid you used to hang out with?" "Yeah, him... yeah." "Dad, I get the feeling that adult education is a place where you normally..." "You think you just wanna go meet people." "Well, it certainly has a social component that I think..." "Well then, you should go alone." "Why?" "Ben, this is a great place for you and I..." "'Cause you like the social stuff." "I'm not thrilled about it." "Yeah, but this is a great place for you to sort of..." "It's a great place to meet chicks." "Close your eyes for one second and picture us..." "Latin ballroom dancing..." "Okay." "Introduction to Sushi." "And that's not just, "Hello, I'm Ben Katz." "You must be, uh, Tuna Nilgiri", y'know?" "I'm talkin' about, they teach you how to make it." "Why do you do an Italian accent when you talk about Sushi?" ""Tuna Nilgiri"." "Ornamental origami?" "Hmmm..." "Oh, this looks interesting:" "Sex and your body." "Origami." "Sex and your body." "I don't particularly like any of those titles." "I don't wanna do, uh..." "Well, lemme see the catalog and maybe if I see something I like..." "Okay." "Okay." "How about this:" ""Past-life regression"." ""Broaden your self-awareness." "Use guided visualization and relaxation techniques to regress to several past-life experiences."" "I don't know, Ben." "That makes me a little nervous." "Well, I say we just do the past-life regression." "It's done, it's chosen." "I mean, I'll do that one." "I'm not gonna do any of the other ones." "I just think you should know what your options are." "American cinema in the 13th century." "What is that?" "Well, there're hundreds of classes in there." "I can't possibly go through every one." ""Put together five minutes..." "Do your own open mic."" "Really?" "I betcha... hey, that's not such a bad idea." "You and I are funny guys." "We could be a father/son duo like, um, Burns and Allen." "Yeah, that was husband and wife but that's not a bad idea." "I don't think there are any famous..." "Who was the guy Charlie MacCarthy..." "Who was his father?" "Edgar." "Yeah." "Is it?" "Yup." "No, Joseph." "No, Joseph was Abraham's son." "Lincoln?" "I didn't think you liked cream so I got you milk." "Mmm." "Laura, this is so sweet of you." "It's perfect, it's exactly how I like it." "You know how long I've been waiting for this cup of coffee?" "I can't believe that I actually knew." "What do you, uh, what do you need?" "What are you talking about!" "In your entire reign here you have never once offered me a cup of coffee without having some kind..." "Since when did a person behaving with kindness make another person immediately suspicious?" "Uh, I-I owe you an apology, Laura." "Thank you very much for your kindness." "Dr. Katz, my sister is going away for a couple of days... mm-hmm." "And I'm watching her dog." "Yeah?" "And um, well, I kinda wanted to bring the dog into the office." "Well, that's not acceptable because this is a professional office." "And, we'd run into all kinds of logistical problems, legal problems." "Well, will you think about it?" "I'll think about it, but I can tell you that many of my patients..." "I know for a fact..." "Are allergic to dogs." "What type of dog is he?" "Well, he's a Great Dane and his name is Caesar and he's so sweet and it would be really great if I could bring him into the office with me, because-'cause he's already here." "Laura, I am afraid of large dogs." "Well, he's not that big." "What kind of Dane is he?" "A Great Dane." "See what I'm saying?" "Hey, is-is there any..." "Is there a history of mental illness in your family?" "No, just a history of uh, drinkin' and gettin' mad at people for drinkin'." "Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for havin'." "Mm-hmm." "Damnit, Otto, you're an alcoholic." "Damnit, Otto, you have lupus." "One of those two doesn't sound right." "Tell me about your parents, Mitch, if you can." "My dad used to be into coin collecting which was cool, because I was into video games." "And then he got into stamp collecting and I got into mailing things." "Mm-hmm." "I had a bag of Fritos once, they were Texas grilled Fritos." "These Fritos had grill marks on 'em." "Hell yeah!" "Reminds me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbecue and throw down on some Fritos." "I can still see my dad with the apron on." "You better flip that Frito, dad." "You know how I like it." "I have two sisters and one of them is named Wendy." "And if you ask Wendy if I was weird, she'd probably say "yeah"." "But that's backwards 'cause she's weird." "She has like a husband and two children and they have a family photo on top of their VCR where they're all lookin' slightly to the left." "Mmm..." "As though somethin' is goin' on over there." "The camera is right in front of you, but I guess somethin' happened to the left that made everybody happy." "So, uh, Mitch, you do exercise?" "I play tennis." "I'm not very good at tennis." "The thing that is depressing about tennis, though is no matter how good I get," "I'll never be as good as a wall." "I played a wall once." "They're relentless." "I'm not very good at golf either, you know?" "I never got a hole-in-one." "But I did hit a guy..." "And that's way more satisfying." "Yeah." "You're supposed to yell "fore"" "but I was too busy mumblin'" ""There ain't no way that's gonna hit him."" "Hey, Laura." "Hi." "How ya doin', baby?" "Mr. Irrera?" "Dr. Katz asked me to, um, speak to you about paying for your last three visits." "You're gonna need to take care of that." "Oh yeah?" "Ok." "Uh, yeah, I'll pay it." "Oh, oh, wait a second..." "I brought my play wallet today ahhh..." "Sorry." "Yeah, I'll give it to you next time, I promise." "As a matter of fact, after this session." "I might have left money out in the car." "Wait a second, I don't have a car." "Mmmm." "I'll get it to ya, I promise." "Do you take vacation in August?" "No, actually I go against the grain." "I take 3 weeks in July." "And I get all that August, uh..." "You get the guys that need therapy because their therapists" " are on vacation." " Right." "Can I come with you on vacation this year?" "Dom, that is..." "How much does it cost?" "Totally out of the question." "How much does it cost..." "My therapist/whore man?" "Can't get anything for free here." "You don't even validate parking." "What d'you mean how much would what cost?" "What do I have to pay to come on vacation with you?" "Dr. Katz's office." "Laura!" "Ben." "Ben calling." "Ahem, diddle-de diddle-de, ha ha ha." "How are ya?" "Fine." "Um, Laura?" "Yeah?" "I wanted to ask you a serious question." "Do you know anything about past-life regression?" "Um, a little bit." "Hmm, what do you mean by that?" "I mean I know that it has something to do with..." "You know, how everybody is made up of the same molecules that other people were made of." "Because they travel all around and you know what I mean." "L-l-l-look at this." "Is that beautiful?" "How do you do that?" "Uh, well I have very adroit toes." "My whole family's known for that." "They used to call my aunt Yola, "Long Toes"." "'Cause she could..." "She was like a baboon..." "She could pick up this uh, she could actually pitch a baseball with her foot." "What's her name, Yola?" "Yolanda, it's short for Yolanda." " Oh." " Yeah." "She used to flash me when I was a kid." "She was the first person that ever exposed herself to me." "In a long line of people that almost molested me, or, I think, they were thinkin' about it." "So I think if I were um, if I had been somebody in a past life, it would've been somebody like um Gershwin, probably..." "Why?" "Or Beethoven..." "Why?" "Or Leonard DaVinci, or Charlemagne." "Why does everybody assume that they were someone famous?" "Well, I think it is because those are the only recognizable names." "Everybody can't have been somebody famous." "There aren't enough famous people." "Well I mean, I think it's silly but for me it makes sense." "Right." "I mean I could have been somebody like random but that wouldn't be a good conversation." "Hmm." "Like if I said," "I think I was a guy who... you know what?" "It's not a good conversation." "Does that feel cool to you when I do that with my foot?" "Wow!" "It does." "That a cool breeze?" " Yup." " Nice, huh?" "God, I'd hate for somebody to walk in now." "It would be hard to explain." "Mmm." "Actually, it'd be easy to explain." " But hard to understand." " Yeah." "Maybe I was somebody like a famous astronaut, like John Glenn?" "John Glenn is still alive." "Right, but the class isn't till next Thursday." "That's not nice." "Look, the guy's had a great life." "I can't believe you want someone to die so that you can think you were him." "Well look, John Glenn is a great candidate, and in class I'm going to insist that I be John Glenn." "Do you have to audition or something?" "Oh, yeah." "You do a monologue as the person." "I'm not doin' Abe Lincoln." "Because everybody's gonna do Abe Lincoln." "What was that?" "That's the dog." "What dog?" "It's my sister's dog and I'm watching him for a few days." "Is it ok with my father that the dog is there?" "Oh yeah, he loves it." "But my dad has been to other therapists to try and get over his fear of dogs." "Oh well, this is like um, immersion therapy because it's a really really big dog." "I think my dad might have been attacked by a dog in a past life, therefore he's afraid of dogs in this life." "I went to the moon." "My dad was just attacked by a dog." "What kind of dog is it?" "It's a Great Dane." "My dad must be terrified." "Well..." "I wouldn't be terrified of a dog, though 'cause I'm John Glenn." "John Glenn is not afraid of dogs." "John Glenn went to the damn moon." "You think he'd be afraid of some great Dane?" "I don't know, let's call him up and ask him." "He lived for... he's still alive!" "Shh, shh, everybody." "May I have your attention?" "I guess, cut the small talk, dad." "Yeah, and I guess that guy's in charge." "Okay, I want you to relax." " You know why?" " Why?" "'Cause he's standing up and we're all lying on the floor, like idiots." "I know." "What kind of class is this?" "Shhhh!" "Please, everyone, quiet." "Breathe in..." "Hey, dad, I brought food." "Excellent!" "Yeah, I figure if you're bringing pillows and blankets, you gotta bring food." "No, you're a good camper." "I also brought a sterno container." "Ha ha ha." "And a whole bunch of freeze-dried crap." "This is gonna be one helluva night." "Yeah." " Dad..." " Shhh!" " Listen up." " Shhh!" "Close your eyes, everyone..." "Dad, close your eyes." "And quiet..." "Re-la-la-la-la-la-la-x." "Hmm." "This guy is nuts." "Dad, don't make noises while he's talking." "Ok." "Imagine a house." "And a long corridor inside the house." "Does everyone see the house?" "Does everyone see the long corridor?" "Do you see 'em, dad?" "You want to spend the rest of your life in this room?" "Just say you see 'em." "I see 'em." "You are walking along the long corridor." "At the end of the corridor is a closet door." "Open the door." "You will see the closet has several garment bags hanging up." "Does everyone see the garment bags?" "I'm not gettin' garment bags, I got the closet." "I don't got no garment bags." "It could just be the reception." "This is a great house I got here." "What about you?" "I can't decide on which garment bag." "I am sensing spirits and seeing ♫ auras ♫..." "Dad, this guy's getting weird." "Would anyone like to share?" "How 'bout you?" "What do you see?" "Uh, I'm having a problem with the zipper." "But I think this must be for someone else because it looks like woman's clothing in there." "Oh, my god, dad." "No, that's fine." "Good, good." "Tell us more." "Well, it's very very..." "It looks like it's handmade and from the 19th century." "Ah ha!" "Like... remember a TV show called "Gunsmoke"?" "Like that stuff." "Like that stuff that kitty would wear, the uh barmaid." "Mmm, Miss Kitty." "Dad, are you serious?" "That's what you see in the closet?" "Well Ben, obviously it's not my bag." "Don't be so ♫ sure ♫." "You're a life force that's taken many ♫ forms ♫." "Oh, dad!" "You were a saloon girl." "You cheap floozy, how could you?" "Ben, you gotta eat." "How 'bout you?" "Would you like to share?" "What do you see in the closet?" "Me?" "In the closet?" "Oh, man, um there's so many different outfits." "Mmm..." "Dad, what's a good outfit?" "Just say anything, anything at all." "Just close your eyes and imagine some outfit." "And go for broke." "Uh, it's uh, um..." "Yes?" "Wow." "It uh... uh huh." "Big buttons." "Oooh..." "It's like uh..." "Something with lapels." "Big lapels." "Double breasted." "Double breasted lapels." "Mmm." " Um..." " Be specific." " Spats." " Spats." "Oooh." "Ask him what are spats?" "What's a spat?" "Y'know it sounds like an old mobster's outfit." "I was a gangster!" "Yes." "I think that deserves a round of applause." "Oh yeah, sure, if you want to celebrate death and violence." "At least I wasn't a saloon girl." "At least I brought pleasure to the lives of men, like you." "At least I was a man." "Ahhhh cramp!" "Cramp!" "Leg cramp!" "Here, Ben, Ben, just..." "Dad pull on this, pull it!" "Calm..." "Pull it, pull it!" "Everybody, quiet please." "Laura?" "Yeah?" "What am I smelling out here?" "Huh?" "What is that weird smell?" "Oh Caesar, hi!" "Um, Dr. Katz, how was your past-life class?" "It was... it was actually interesting." "Really?" "Yeah, it was, it was." "What did you learn?" "Well, this is gonna sound crazy but I think that I was once a woman who danced and waited tables in a saloon." "And what does that feel like?" "Well, I feel like I'm more in touch with myself," " in general, you know?" " Yeah?" "But also I'm more in tune to my environment." "Really?" "Yeah." "Uhh, I'm standing in pee, aren't I?" "Oh, yeah." "Ok." "I feel like I'm in touch with that part of me that's standing in a huge puddle of pee." "Umm..." "Are you on any medication now, Mitch?" "Or do you take any drugs recreationally?" "I used to do drugs." "I still do, but I used to, too." "Acid was my favorite drug because it opened up my mind, it expanded my mind." "Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine." "I saw through the bull." "I went to England and uh, they don't use Smokey the Bear as their Forest Fire Prevention representative." "Hmmm." "They have Smacky the Frog." "It's just like a bear but it's a frog." "And I think that's a better system." "I think we should adopt it." "Because bears can be mean but frogs are always cool." "Like never has there been a frog hopping' toward me and I thought, "Man I better play dead"." "Here comes that frog." "I've never said "Here comes that frog"" "in a horrifying manner." "It's always like optimistic." "Like, "Hey here comes that frog." "Alright!"" "Maybe he will settle near me and I can pet him." "And put him in a mayonnaise jar with a stick and a leaf to re-create what he's used to." "And then I can observe him and he won't be doin' much, in his 16-ounce world." "Hey, Todd." "What's up, man?" "I'll tell you, man, a lot!" "I'm taking an adult education class." "Uh-huh." "In past-life regression." "Ha ha ha, yeah?" "What's so funny?" "No, nuthin." "Did you take it?" "No, I didn't." "God, I don't know why I didn't." "So, what's the class like?" "What did you learn in the class?" "I'm sorry." "Well, first of all, we were all somebody in a past life." "Umm, yeah." "The guy opened with that." "He opened with that?" " Yeah." " Wow!" "He said that everybody in this room was somebody or some other spirit uh-huh." "In a past life." "Right." "So the spirit lives on." "Uh-huh." "And it has since the beginning of time." "Yeah." "You know I'm sorry I asked this question..." "But the best part, right?" "Yeah?" "The best part was that you go in to a..." "Sort of like almost hypnotic state..." "Hmm..." "Where you have to go and find who you were in a past life." "Huh..." "And I found who I was." "And it turns out, I think, I was a mobster." "Yeah." "I was actually wondering if you have..." "What do you recommend as far as mob movies?" "Which ones have you seen or do you uh..." "Well, I mean, I know there's "The Godfather", right?" "I've never seen that movie." "You've never seen "The Godfather"?" "!" "You work in a video store!" "I know." "But, you know..." "Well, don't people ask about "The Godfather" all the time?" "Hey, if you have to ask about "The Godfather"..." "I mean who hasn't seen "The Godfather"?" "You haven't seen "The Godfather"." "You know what I mean." "Have you seen "Goodfellas"?" "No." " What movies do you watch from here?" " I'm not." "I gotta tell you, I'm not a movie buff." "Ha ha ha!" "So, dad, I'm still comin' down from that..." "That was an amazing..." "Adventure..." "Crazy trip we took through a closet." "It reminds me of taking you to Disney World for the first time, only the prices here were so much more reasonable." "Yeah, this was way worse than Disney World." "I don't think half of those people saw what they said." "I think they made it up because they had to." "I mean, dad, what are the odds..." "Three people who were George Washington in the same room?" "That guy kept asking, what are you?" "What are you?" "So you think half of the people did see what they said?" "Well, what I meant by half was everybody." "Oh, ok." "That's different, that's very different than half." "Why do you have to challenge everything I say?" "I'm not challenging, I'm listening." "Why do you have to listen?" "Forgive me." "That is a legitimate question." "I don't think I do." "Is that what this conversation is about, now?" "Has it come to this?" "That we listen to each other?" "Oh, dad." "Doc, isn't it amazing how relative everything is in life?" "Mm-hmm." "I was reading about a guy..." "True story, doc..." "Who got hit by two trains in one day." "Can you imagine this?" "!" "I mean, first of all, you're getting hit by a train and for that one infinitesimal moment, you're thinking, "Oh my god, I'm getting hit by a train!"" "What else could happen?" "Boom!" "You get hit by another train!" "Now you're thinking, boy, this is a crap day..." "A two-train day." "That's not the kind of day you want to leave the house." "And you know what the medical examiner said?" "This man had to be the luckiest man in the world, he only suffered minor injuries." "And I'm thinking, first of all," ""The luckiest man in the world never gets hit by a train."" "Am I right?" "Maybe the breeze from a speeding train blows the winning lottery ticket into his mouth." "That would be the luckiest man in the world!" "What are these people thinking?" "!" "I had a girlfriend, she was very nice to me, man, she treated me like a king." "She gave me like this friendship card, it was like a birthday card." "On the front of it said," ""A friend is one of life's most beautiful gifts"." "And inside the card it had all these great quotes about friendship." "You know, it really touched me." "I started to think..." ""Man, I should quit stealin' money out of her purse."" "Hmmm." "But I couldn't, because her birthday was comin' up." "Mm-hmm." "Sometimes, I'll like rent a car and I'll drive around for like ten miles with the emergency brake on." "Right." "You know, it doesn't really say a lot for me but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake." "I cannot imagine the emergency." "Quick we need the car to smell funny..." "Immediately!" "Woops." "You know the what the music means, Mitch." "We're gonna have to stop." "Oh, is it over already?" "I wanna keep on ra-olling with the..." "Did you say "ra-olling"?" "Yeah, I was gonna say ramblin' and rollin' but I got screwed up." "Yeah, I can't wait until next week when we ra-oll again." "But it's a week y'know, it's too long." "I'm back, you know, I'm back into" ""I don't want to go to therapy" mode, you know what I'm sayin'?" "But then as soon as I hear that damn piano, man, I'm havin' some fun!"