"Jesus, please..." " Mr Finchley?" " Oh." "Time's up." "Let's go." "And also the fact that it wasn't down to an audience voting." "It was a small room full of experts who actually know what they're talking about." "That's what makes it special." "So anyway, thank you very much, thank you." " Well done." " Thanks!" "It's really good to meet you." "Big fan." " Is he supposed to be nice?" " Very." "Ladies and gentlemen," " it's now..." " Not one of those shaggers, then?" " No." "He's married, I think." " ... my honour to bring to the stage ... the presenter of the final award." "You'll know him as Bull's-eye Bill." "He is, of course, the man," " Oh, shit, shit, shit." " ... the legend, Paul Finchley!" "No need." "Really." "Honestly, no need." "Because I am not receiving the Lifetime Achievement Award." "Aww!" "I am, however, presenting it." "So think of me as John the Baptist paving the way for Jesus Christ." "Sorry, Mrs, but if you think that that's blasphemous, you should've heard what I said when I found out who had won it." "What can I say about this man?" "He's a man I spent most of my life beside." "A man best known to you, and to me as... as..." "Karl!" "Yes, yes!" "Not yet, mate!" "Not yet!" "He was described in The Guardian as the natural successor to David Jason," "and by David Jason as "the man who takes all the jobs I turn down"." "In his later years, he's added acting to his many talents, and proper acting, mind you, none of the dicking about he and I used to do, no." "Indeed, he was hugely praised in The Times for his epic performance as Richard III." "Make the joke about them preferring my bottom!" "The winner of this award, and I can say this, ladies and gentlemen, because he has absolutely no idea he's getting it... is a..." " Devastatingly handsome!" " devastatingly handsome..." "Wholesomely kind, wonderful, generous." "He's..." "Play the game, mate." "There's people watching." "He's kind, apparently, and generous." "He's got an arse that can crack nuts." "And he's got an arse that can crack..." "What?" "!" "He's got an arse that can crack coconuts." "Ladies and gentlemen." "The only man I know who's vain enough to invade his own stage." "And the winner of this year's Lifetime Achievement Award," "I give you, and you are very welcome to him, the one, the only," "Sir Karl Jenkins." " That went well." " Livened things up." "Coconuts!" " You look good." " Yeah, I take Viagra before every stage performance these days." "Put some colour in my cheeks." "That and the very, very tight pants, of course." "That's my secret." "Never could tell when you were joking." "Neither could most of the audience!" "You look tired." "Oh." "Is Marie not in tonight?" "Well, it's not as if I was getting the award, is it?" "Do you want it?" "You can have it." "They gave it to you!" "Yeah, but it's for both our work." "Magnanimity was always a stretch for you, wasn't it?" "I really need a piss." "Have I got time for a piss?" "The trouble is, you're the last award." "After this..." "Oh, he can hold it in." "He's got... exceptional bladder control for a man of his age." " If you want to go, Paul?" " Really, you don't need me?" "I think they got your quotes already, don't you?" "Ah." "Well in that case, I shall have a piss and pity poor Karl here." "Karl, honestly, truly deserved." "It's nonsense." "It's all nonsense." " Hey." " Hey!" "Loved your speech!" "Well, I thought it was important that Karl got all the big laughs." " Huge fan by the way." " Oh, likewise." "I grew up watching your routines." "That was a long time ago now." "Well, with repeat fees, nothing's a long time ago." " I'm having similar thoughts." " Simon." "How unlike you to find the bit with the scorchers." " She's dating Greg Davies." " She's not." "And saying "scorchers" makes you sound about 450." "Shall we dance?" "Do let's." "Paul!" "Great speech, mate!" "And what a great event." "Simon." "Tom's too rude to introduce me, and my manager's too shit, so I must introduce myself, I'm Paul Finchley." "Sir, you're a legend, you've no need to introduce yourself to anyone in this room." " You'll go far." " Oh." "He already has." "He's just taken over as Director of Data." "Fuck it." "They get younger and younger." "Well done, young man, sir." "Shit." "You called me "sir" - well, I must call you "Lord"." "Well done, Lord Television." "I'm pretty sure that..." "Are you my boss?" "Will you do it?" "Will you do it for us?" "Go on!" "Be a mate!" "Milk's sour?" "Not surprised." "But then them cows are a moody bunch." " Right?" "That's great, that's genius." " Oh, thank you, yeah." "I've said it before, I'll say it again." "Black tie suits you." "And may I say, Dan, no-one looks better holding a bin." "Hello, bunny." "Get them to sleep OK?" "I couldn't get Billy off that damn game thing, but, yeah." "Hmm." "Alan Carr was excellent, actually." "What a lovely man." "I always thought you should be on that show." "I know, darling." "You said." "But I don't really..." "I don't think people see me that way, do they?" "At what point... do comics stop being funny and start being sweet?" "Hmm?" "Even Spike." "They even did it to Spike." "They even turned Spike sweet." "And he was an awful shite." "You bad woman!" " Anyone else worth talking to?" " Not a soul." "Nope." "I always think after these events, you know, and think I made a total arse of myself." "Well, it was a nice big clap, though." "Yeah." "It means nothing, though." "That's the Stalin thing, isn't it?" "No-one wants to be the first to stop clapping the Old Guard." " Karl got a bigger one anyway." " Oh!" "***" "I just can't help thinking that I made an awful fool of myself." "And I think that you've still got whisky sloshing around in that gut of yours." "I'll get you a banana, and then we'll get into bed, OK?" "Naughty cat." "You know she doesn't like you up there." " Good morning, my wee jobbies." " We watched you on the TV!" "Oh, yeah?" "What did you think?" " You were funny!" " He got all the big laughs." "Grandma laughed loads." "Yeah?" "Good morning, Billy." "You free today?" "I'm dropping these to their dad's and then I've got lunch with Anapolis." "They might contribute to the foundation." "Beware Greeks bearing gifts." "You say that every time!" "They're American." "I always thought mornings suited you." " Did I ever tell you that?" " More or less every day." "Are you winning at least?" " It's not about winning." " Ah." "It's about taking part?" "Hmm?" "So, what's the plan for today?" "Morning jog?" "Lunch in town?" "Aerobics classes?" "Mass scientific experiment?" "Or are you going to just lounge around here all day doing nothing  again?" "I'll get it!" " Mrs Finchley?" " Yes?" "My name is DI Palmer, this is DS Georgeson." "We're here for a word with your husband." "A word about what?" "There's been an allegation of rape made against you." "This is a warrant for a search of your premises." "Is this some kind of joke?" "Grandad?" "It's all right, buddy." "It's all right, son." "Phone Simon." "Now, what's going on?" "We weren't aware your grandchildren were in the house." "Can your wife arrange alternative care?" "I want to make this as easy as possible for you." "Sorry, um, you're accusing me of what?" "Belt on, if you could." "Paul, hi." "Jerome." "Simon sent me." "Needless to say, it's an honour to be working with you." "I love you work." "He says you're the best." "Let's hope I grow to love your work." "This is Jimmy Savile." "They think I'm Jimmy-fucking-Savile." " OK, so here's where we are." " No-one liked him." "Always kept him well away from the parties." "He wanted to come." "It was me." "I said, "Fuck, no, no way."" "Everybody knew he was dodgy, everybody, but I'm the one that had cops outside the house, my grandchildren inside." "We don't have much time, so save the bluster and just listen, if you could." "We don't know what they know or what they think they know, but I'll tell you this... they won't be getting any clues from our end." "So, say as little as possible." "Clues?" "I didn't do this." "Big fan, by the way." "Every Christmas, it's a bit of a tradition, work through the whole of Crooked Peaks, all 36 episodes." " Thank you." " Absolutely hilarious." "Was the stutter difficult to do?" "Well, it's not what I went to RADA for." "And now you've got your own game show." "Yes." "We call it a quiz." "OK, let's start at the beginning." "Full name, please." "Paul Thomas Finchley." "And date of birth?" "9th of February, 1950." "And you have children." "Yes, a daughter, Danielle." "Dee." "And she's had children." "Yes." "Billy is 14 and Francis is ten." " And they live with their father." " Yes." "Why is that?" "Erm..." "Dee's had a pretty rough time recently." "She's in a treatment centre for addiction." "Halfway house." " And your parents, they're deceased?" " Yes." " Cillian and Molly Finchley." " That's right." " Oh, Irish." " Yes." "I was born there, although I was brought up here..." "Well, in Scotland." "I was reading some press articles about you and you explained you wouldn't write an autobiography because some skeletons best remain skeletons." "Were you referring to your father in that instance?" " No, I wouldn't..." " No comment." "Did this refer to sexual abuse?" "No comment." "That's unnecessary, even for a fishing expedition." "So you've been married 41 years, is that right?" " Yes." " Impressive number." " And it's been largely happy?" " Extremely." "Tell me about Marie." "Well, she's..." "She's kind... and she's generous and she's funny... and religious... and I think she's the best person I know." "This will break her, you have no idea." "Have you managed to stay faithful to Marie?" "No comment." "Sexually, would you describe yourself as a man of average or... greater than average sexual habits?" "You expect him to know what average is?" "I have absolutely no idea what average is." "I'd advise you to answer your questions yourself, Mr Finchley." "I would describe myself as a man with average sexual appetite." "Are there any sexual practises you engage in which you think most people would regard as unusual?" "No comment." "OK, so we've had an allegation from Rebecca Thornton." "Does that name mean anything to you?" "No comment." "Rebecca Thornton alleges that, on the 8th of December, 1993, you raped her on the film set of Japes in Bedford." "Can you remember any details from that night?" "No." "Does that face mean anything to you?" "It means nothing, sorry." "She must have made a mistake." "Great." "That concludes the interview." "Let's get you bailed, shall we?" " I really don't know her, you know." " Paul, no need to say anything more." "Interview terminated at 11:43 am." "JEROME You arrested him at 7:48." "I make that three hours and 55 minutes." "I'd say leaving by the back might be a good idea." "Everyone's a pap with their smartphones nowadays." "They didn't tidy up after themselves." "They tried to but they didn't do a very good job." "I wasn't sure, you know, cos you had your lunch..." "They took my computer as well as yours." "They took a lot of things, actually." "They showed me some it." "They shouldn't have, but they did." "Should we have a cup of tea." "It could be quite useful." "We could, as we tidy," " turn it into a spring clean." " Marie." "Porn on your phone." "Who watches porn on their phone?" "Couldn't you get the laptop open quick enough?" " Marie..." " They questions they asked me... about you, about us, about..." "what we do in the bedroom." "I mean, whatever it is they think you've done." "Marie, you must listen to me." "I didn't do this." "Can you tell me?" "I mean, do you know what else they might find?" "There's nothing to find." "It's just a desperate woman being... desperate." "No." "You're not going up there." "I need to lie down for a bit." "You can lie on the sofa." "The times you came home smelling of whichever woman and I'd understand." "Well, this is not one of those times..." "It can't be." " Do you understand?" " Please, Marie." "I would prefer it if you did not lie on our bed... not today." "You're OK?" "Sorry, I'll put that in the stupid questions drawer." "Let us not speak of it again." "He's in the den." "Wasn't sure whether to come round or not." "They interviewed you, too, did they?" "Nice-looking black girl, woman." "Yes." "Yes, I got her, too." "So, were you there during any of the alleged?" "Apparently not, but they weren't sure." "Didn't give full details." "I don't think you should give me full details." "They showed me a photo." "I didn't sleep with her." "I didn't remember her." "Simon says he's sorted you a lawyer." "Which one?" "The one where we try to become members of The Women's Institute." " Good?" " Dated, but it has some good moments." "Carl, I'm sorry." "This hasn't been good for you either." "It's going to hit residuals hard." "Residuals?" "Do you really think I give a shit about residuals right now?" "I'm not sure I can do this." "Come here." "I don't think I can do this." "Of course you can." "It will soon be over." "I'm not in the bedroom, if that's what you're..." "No..." "I just needed some clean clothes." "I didn't want to disturb you." "If I'm guilty, I would say I was innocent." "If I'm innocent, I would say I'm innocent." "I don't know what to say." "There's nothing to say." "It's not going to cheap this, you know that." "Well, we spend whatever it takes to get you off," " don't we?" " Do we?" "I know I've not treated you well at times... but you must know I didn't do this." "I believe you." "Yes." "They fucked us." "Smartphone pap bollocks." " They knew." "They fucking knew!" " What?" "Telling us to leave around the back." "Apparently, they had local press there on an unrelated matter." "Cunts." "Look, I tried calling." "You need to leave your phone on from now on." "I was asleep." "Well, I wanted to get here before the reporters did." "Now everyone will know." "Well, they were going to find out sooner or later." "But don't worry, I'll fuck them back." "Good to meet you, Marie." "Why?" "Why would they do this?" "Fishing." "They're fishing... to see if anyone else comes forward." "They're testing you, Paul." "I am..." "I am..." "I am unprepared to respond to these allegations." "But I will say that" "I am fully cooperating with the police and I am innocent." "Of course I am." "Obviously..." "I would like some privacy at this difficult time." "I recognise that that's very unlikely to happen, but my family are not, and have chosen not, to be part of the public world." "Thanks for coping with all that." "Already started to run the meter." "Hail Mary full of grace, the Lord is with thee." "Blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus." "Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death, amen." "You've done something with your hair." "Not sure I have." "I'm not sure you have either." "Force of habit." "In my life surrounded by women, it's always safer to say you've done something with your hair because, generally, they have." "Not that there is anything..." "One, two, three, four, five, six." "How are you?" "Still getting the cheques?" "It's a bank transfer, Dad, so I'm pretty much guaranteed to get them." "This stuff in the papers..." "What stuff's that?" " What, you've not seen it?" " Of course I've seen it." "I was just wondering whether you'd mention it or not." "You don't think they've been here?" " You just say, "No comment."" " Yeah, yeah, I know." "Yeah, and I know." "It's going to be hard for you." "So I'm just here to say I support you." "Oh, that's moving, Dad." "Thank you." "We have Billy and Francis over for the bank holiday, did you know?" "Yep." "I think they only come to us 'cos we give them more chocolate than their dad." "You let Francis eat chocolate?" "Well, shouldn't I?" "Well, I always remember you giving me a look when I ate it." "She's as skinny as a rake that girl, she could do with some flesh on her bones." "Well, that's an interesting thing to say." "Is it?" "Ideas of a female shape that neither me or my daughter, according to you, conform to." "Isn't that interesting?" "Ooh, look." "Do you remember this?" "Christ, we're not doing "Do you remember when", are we?" "No, Sheffield, 1991." "That Bill Forsyth film." "You and your mum came up for the whole winter." "You won a competition when you were up there." "Some youth talent thingy and you sang..." "Oh, I can't remember now." "Really?" "I can't remember any of it." "Well, what's it doing there then?" "Mum put the photo up." "She said it was a happy time and I believed her." "You were a lovely wee thing then, you know?" "Yeah, I remember you telling me that." "You told me that quite a lot." "Yes." "Mum says you've been visited by a priest." "He didn't just randomly turn up." "I invited him." "Right." "Why?" "I wanted to see if I could suck his cock." "No, you didn't." "Why?" "I had this theory that maybe he might be able to save me from hell." "I've been having this dream." " You're in it." " Right." "You're not sure whether to be pleased or scared, are you?" "Well, it's important for you to tell me." "It's important for me to listen." "You've been listening in therapy, I'm impressed." "We're by a lake, we're having a picnic." "What lake?" "Does that matter?" "Well, yes, I want identify if it's a lake we've been to or been near." "You know, what with your memory." "Yeah, well, I don't think it's historical." "It me, you, Dave and the kids." "I don't think we ever took a trip to a lake with the full family." " My mum made a picnic." " Definitely not Dave." " It's interesting that he's there." " Not really." "It's quite a big picnic." "And I think she baked the bread." "She's like really gone all out, you know?" "Just, like, two sandwiches with tomato bread and everybody was making too much of a fuss about them." "Interesting, we've just got a new bread-maker." "She's been making some very strange combinations." "One, two, three, four, five, six." "Anyway, you and the kids went off for an explore and we all lay back, sunny day, and Dave took his top off." "And I said he shouldn't in front of mum and he said," ""She doesn't mind, do you, Marie?"" "And winked." "And she said nothing." "And so I took my top off." "Top and bra." "And he was pissed off but he said nothing." "And then you came back with the kids and I put my top back on." "But left off my bra." "And you had this stone that you'd found in the stream and you were fucking proud" " of this stone." " What kind of stone?" "It was quite special, actually." "It was almost perfectly black." "And everybody admired it." "And you said you thought it was the hardest stone you'd ever felt." "But Dave wasn't having that." "He said, "All stones are hard, Paul, they're stones."" "And then you started talking about how some stones are in fact softer than others and not just chalk." "You know, for a woman who claims to recollect nothing, these are an impressive set of memories, do you know that?" "And then the argument got more and more heated and then, finally, to prove how hard the stone was, you just smacked him around the head with it." "And he fell to the floor bleeding." "And you just stared at him." "And then you looked at me and then down at my tits." "And I hadn't... put my bra back on." "And I knew my nipples were hard and you said..." ""Well, I better hit him again." ""Otherwise he'll report it, won't he?"" "And you told Mum to take the kids away but they wanted to stay." "And you must have clobbered Dave six or seven times." "Then you stopped and said," ""Nobody must ever know what happened here."" "And we all made a vow of secrecy." "What do you think that all means, then?" "Have you spoken to your doctors about it?" "Nope." "Just the priest." "And what did the priest have to say about it?" "That's when he let me blow him." " Oh, Danielle." " What?" ""Is she joking, is she not?" "Isn't it dangerous when they never know" ""whether she sucked the dick of a priest?"" "He said that he didn't think that I should see you." "And he said not to let you in the next time that you came." "I would never hurt you... or Dave or any of my family." "You know." "You know that." "You realise I'm about to be dragged through hell, don't you?" "Aren't we all?" "Don't you have the slightest bit of sympathy?" "I thought you came around here to support me, not for my sympathy." "I mean, I'm quoting you there." "Well, whatever I came round here for, clearly it was a mistake." "Yeah." "Yeah, it probably was." "Then I'll go." "I am worried about you." "I'm worried about everything." "Whatever anyone says..." "You haven't told me it's bullshit yet." "Of course it fucking is." "I don't know what you want me to say." "But I want you to know there's a big part of me that wants me to say it." " OK." " OK." "Hi, it's me." "Yeah." "Well, I'm speaking from a phone box, believe it or not." "Mm-hm." "Can I trust you?" "The full night." "Do you know, the thing I envy most about the beautiful woman is the curve of the spine." "And the tragedy of a beautiful woman is that that curve fades." "It doesn't disappear, but it does... fade." "Marie tried very hard." "She was a beautiful woman." "She was a very beautiful woman." "Of course, the tragedy of being a man is that we're never beautiful." "But at least there's no beauty to fade." "I mean, I know there's handsome men, but beautiful, pff..." "I'm not saying that I am..." "I always thought I was rather funny looking." "Distinguished." "You look distinguished." "You could make money, you know." "Now that I'm..." " You can make money out of me." " I won't." "Why not?" " Because I don't want the attention." " I like that." "You're not pretending it's out of some affection for me." "I do like that." "I have some affection for you, but it's not my reason." "D'you do it?" "You do it?" "!" "No." "Sorry, I didn't think..." "I thought we'd cancelled." "No." " No?" "No." "Shit." "Sorry." "Oh." "Hello, Karl." "So I get the accusations, and he gets the airtime." "Hm?" "_" "First things first, I want you to know there is no truth to any of this..." "Our first concern, Paul, is to check that you're OK." "Well, I'm fine, but I'd like you to ignore " "I'm asking you to ignore - all the shite they're writing about me in the papers." "It's simply the local constabulary flexing its arms." "Yeah, it's just background noise as far as I'm concerned." "It's just... yeah, I'm not an audience." " So this is assurance that..." " Simon, Simon." "Listen, I know in the audience's eyes this might be slightly different, but I reckon I could do a Deayton or a Ross on this one." "You know?" "Brazen it out, turn it into a joke." "I'm not sure what the joke would be, but we could hammer that out with the writers." "After all... a country where you're innocent until proven guilty." "Well, we very much agree with that last statement." " The trouble is - if I can cut in, Tom." " Of course." "This isn't like Angus Deayton or Jonathan Ross." "Deayton was cocaine and prostitutes, and Ross was..." "Bad judgment." "They were a bit..." "They made a mistake." "A mistake they admitted to." "And in both cases, you're talking about late-night comedy shows, not Smuggle, a late-afternoon quiz, which, whilst occasionally funny, has a very different audience." "I can see why you hired him." "Very smart." "So the show is off-air?" "Actually, we're thinking of bringing in a temporary replacement." "Someone to guide Smuggle in your temporary absence." "Right." "Clever." "Who're you thinking of?" " We're sounding out a few people." " You're not going to say?" "Not until we hear from them." "Well... so long as the show survives unscathed." "Yes." "A lot of good crew working on Smuggle, you know." "They should be protected." "It's just someone to keep your seat warm until you come back." "Right." "Hello, Marie." "Part of me thought you'd killed yourself." "I mean, I must have called you a hundred times..." "The press were calling me every two minutes - my battery went flat." "I went into a shop to charge it but they recognised me." "You didn't...?" "It didn't occur to you to let me know where you were?" "I thought they might be bugging my line." " I just wanted to escape." " Where did you go?" "I was getting very angry and... and ugly." " And I thought it best to be in my..." " Where did you go?" " I visited Dee." " Yes." "I know you visited Dee." "And then?" "And then I went to the channel to discuss implications about..." "You went to a meeting at Channel fucking 4?" "And in between I spent the night with somebody." "Oh." "I'm sorry." "About which bit?" "Your Jerome called." "He wants you at the office." "He wants us both there." " Maybe time for a shower." " It sounded urgent, so... let's just get it done, shall we?" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "Paul, Marie, this is Gerry." "He's an ex-detective sergeant." " He's going to be working with us." " Is he?" "Always useful to have an ex-cop around." "Well, I'm a useful insider - that's what I like to say." " He's good." " Great." "I've got to say, really don't approve of the stunt they pulled with the photograph." "Really unnecessary." "Though it has worked." "OK, so, we're going to need to speak frankly." "Marie, maybe want to step outside and we'll bring you in later?" " I'd rather not." " Paul?" "There's very little my husband's done I've not been aware of." " His affairs have not been subtle." " Fine." "The search of the house, we can deal with, the computer is still in the labs, but they previewed the porn you had watched on your phone." "Quite violent." "Nothing too extraordinary - I've seen worse." "But I wish you'd forewarned me, and they found quite considerable evidence of infidelity again - nothing truly extraordinary." "Well, you put it around a bit." "You're famous." "Juries don't like it, mind you." "Particularly if you presented yourself as a family man." "There are two things which are trickier." "One, the photos have had an effect." "Seven women now have come forward." " Seven?" "!" " That's a pretty typical number." "Nothing to be too concerned about." " They could be..." " I'm not a fame-seekers, they could be money-seekers, they could have convinced themselves it's true." "Or it could be true." "The one we're worried about is this girl." " Christina Farnborough." " She was our babysitter." " The claim is sexual assault, not rape." " This is nonsense." "Multiple claims." "Some in a car." "One attack, she says, happened inside your home." "With your daughter upstairs." " Christina was 15." " They're saying you're a paedophile." "It's just a... girl." "This is horse shit." "We've been asked to bring you in again, and we have agreed to do so." "So we have an hour, and in that hour I want to know everything." "You understand?" "Because we won't hear what they've got for a long, long time." "Until then, we want advantage." "So, let's start at the beginning, shall we?" "They think I'm Jimmy fucking Savile."