"The headlines tonight" " Bottomley refreshed after three days on cross..." "Branson's clockwork dog crosses Atlantic floor... and sacked chimney sweep pumps boss full of mayonnaise." "Welcome!" "On "The Day Today" tonight " "David Owen emerges shattered from Oliver Reed..." "I don't think I've ever seen anything quite such... so totally wanton and ghastly... mess, terrible and Portillo's wife defends crack habit." "It's cheap, very cheap." "Hello, you." "Prince Charles has volunteered to put himself in prison to highlight the plight of Britain's jails." "The prince made the announcement at some speech or other he was giving today," " saying it would set an example." "...an example." "The Prince has been preparing for the last two months in a practice prison in a Rolls-Royce factory, sharing his cell with an old school friend." "When he starts for real at Brixton next Tuesday, he'll be expected to muck in like any convict detained at his mother's pleasure, adopting the regulation haircut and activity programmes." "The prince's choice - making a brush." "I'm determined, as far as I'm concerned, to try at least, and in that sense it will be my own small contribution towards a vision of Britain." "The American serial killer Chapman Baxter is to be executed tonight in Tennessee in the manner of his own choosing." "CBN's Barbara Wintergreen reports." "Tennessee State Penitentiary." "For some, it's Death Row, but for Chapman Baxter, it's the last night at Heartbreak Hotel." "Baxter's an Elvis fan and tomorrow he dies like a king." "I always been poor, never done nothin' with my life, always taken from any community I ever been in." "I figured I just want to die glorious like the King, Elvis Presley." "A special death bowl has been installed for this gruesome Presley demise." "(BAXTER) He died on the toilet, full of drugs and cheeseburgers." "I'm going on an electric toilet." "(WINTERGREEN) Baxter will gorge on cheeseburgers and drugs until he reaches 650 pounds." "The historic weight triggers the current and sees Baxter skip dessert." "Among those watching Baxter get all shook up is Presley fan club president Alvin Holler." "Does this debase the memory of the King?" "No, ma'am." "The King did that by dying on the john in a big nappy." "A special line in grim Elvabilia has gone on sale to commemorate tomorrow's pan fry." "Maybe after today that IS how people will think of the King." "You could be right there." "Press and protesters conduct a silent vigil outside this Disgraceland." "Inside, Baxter chooses his backing vocals." "I figured "Jailhouse Rock" would be appropriate." "Maybe "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" That always moves me." "At dawn, all hope of a retrial down the pan, Baxter prepares to return to sender." "America will watch the Presley stand-in eat his sit-down meal with a difference." "If he eats too much, he may come out in a hot flush." "So, as Baxter turns as blue as his suede shoes, this is one Burger King with extra fries to go." "Barbara Wintergreen, CBN, at the Elvecution, Tennessee State Penitentiary." "Tomorrow sees the opening of the London Jam Festival - selling pots of jam to raise money for the homeless." "With me is organiser Janet Breen." "Thanks for joining us." " This must have taken a lot of organising." " Yes." "To get all the celebrities to contribute their jam has really been quite an operation." " How much time did you spend?" " About six months." "Six months?" "!" "For a jam festival?" " Isn't that rather stupid?" " I don't think so." "It's all in a good cause." " How much are you going to raise?" " We hope to raise at least £1,5oo." "£1,5oo?" "!" "That's a pathetic amount of money!" "You could raise more money auctioning dogs!" "Well, I don't think so." "L-l-I think it's all very worthwhile..." "You persuaded celebrities to waste their time?" " Yes." " Well, who?" "Er, Glenys Kinnock and Sebastian Coe..." "I hate Sebastian Coe!" "Well, I feel he's made a very worthwhile contribution..." " To the paltry sum of £1,5oo?" " Yes!" " Is that worth six months of your time?" " I think!" "I don't think so!" "I think you've done it to make yourself look important!" "How dare you come here and say, " Look at me!" "I'm raising £1,5oo for the homeless."" "You could raise more sitting outside a tube station, even if you were twice as ugly as you are, which is very ugly indeed!" "(GENTLY) Has this been upsetting for you?" "Have you anything else to say in your defence?" "Janet Breen, thank you." "Ultra newsl" "Now comments from you, the public, in "Speak Your Brains"." " The law." " Tightening up the law." "Is it required?" " I think so, yes." " In what areas?" "Certainly drug peddling." "The newly tightened-up law, would it smack 'em up sharp or catch them gradually?" " Smack them up sharp." " Jerk the head back?" "Certainly." "Yeah." "Let's nail this down." "In terms of this elastic band... (TWANGS)" "Would you like the law tightened up to tightness one, tightness two or tightness three?" " Tightness number three." " Like this?" "We've got to hammer these guys." "That tightness being an average band extended over about eight inches?" "Perhaps..." "Yes, I think so." "Sport now with Alan Partridge." "Alan, you're a fan of the law." "I certainly am." "Not keen on those that break it, though." " How do you support it, then?" " Just generally... support it." "What?" "Just turn up on Saturdays and wave from the touchlines?" "Wha?" "This is "Sports Desk"." "I'm Alan Partridge." "It's a special desk of sport, as we look back on highlights of the last sporting season." "So lie down, relax, and let the sports commence." "For cycling championships, you can't say fairer than the Tour de France." "(ALAN, COMMENTATING) Dai Brandauer, swaying from side to side in his own inimitable bike-riding way." "Klaus Binn there, on the inside, pumping away with those gristle-like muscly legs inside those tight Lycra shorts, which have become his trademark..." "I don't know what he's playing atl" "Surely the judges won't stand for that." "Carrying bikes on top of a car is not a sportsmanlike way to run this race." "You join me in the helicopter, as we look down on these cyclists that look like cattle, in a mad way, but cattle on bikes." "And there's Sven Gunsoon, followed by his great friend and team-mate Klaus Binn..." "And the man with the bikes on his car is..." "Yesl He's disqualified." "Klaus Binn there wins." "Riding none-handedl No need for that." "It was a belter of a season for athletics." "1500 metres there." "Cram..." "Not a lot happening..." "Quite unremarkable, really..." "Oh, goodl Someone's fallenl It's Peter Elliottl" "Yesl He's down." "Peter Elliott." "No relation to the late Denholm..." "Come on, Petel Back on your feet." "You can catch upl" "No, he can't be bothered." "It was upsets all the way in the dive championships." "Greg Louganis." "Down, double back-twister, bangs his head and in." "Textbook." "Lovely." "Let's see it again." "He boings down, up in the air, double back-twister, comes down, bangs his head and in." "Lovelyl The judges surely will give him high marks for that." "But for my money, the best punches this season were in the boxing ring." "...as he's affectionately known to me." "Thank goodness they're wearing gloves, because I've witnessed bare-knuckle boxing in a barn in Somerset about three years ago, and it was a sorry sight to see men goading them on barbarically." "I'm ashamed to say I was party to that goading." "Two men fighting in the barn that night, naked as the day they were born, fighting the way God intended." "Wrestling..." "I don't know if you've seen "Women in Love", the marvellous scene by the fire." "It kind of resembled that." "I'm Alan Partridge." "That was my sporting season." "Why not join me for another one?" "Join me!" "Thanks, Alan." "Time for our resident humorist Brant, physical cartoonist from the "Telegraph", to cast a wry eye at the week's events." "It's been some week, hasn't it, Alan?" " (DISTANT) Yes." " With that in mind," "Mr Brant, put us in the picture." "Thanks, Chris." "Well, this week," "John Major's had to walk a bit of a political tightrope." "(NASAL WHINING)" "Sylvester Stuart has today's weather." "Starting in the south-east... where it'll be misty with a droplet density of about 5o, ooo per spherical inch." "That's as if the mist were hugging the ground like an over-affectionate damp dog." "Over to East Anglia and the Midlands..." "It'll be a warm day tomorrow, about 2o, how you might feel on a January morning, walking into a heated drawing room after chopping wood." "And, finally, into the north of England and Scotland..." "A strong and highly long-lasting day tomorrow, with hail aimed vertically down from above, and a 3o% chance." "The summary, then - breezes." "And that's all the weather." "The law." "We're looking at the letter of the law." "Any problems?" "I'm worried about what I've been watching on TV recently about all these fit-ups." " What about a poster campaign?" " Yeah, I think that'd be a good idea." " TV campaign?" " Yeah, possibly." "Yeah." " How quickly would you like action taken?" " Immediately, yes." "Here we are in the immediately future, looking at a poster of the letter of the law." "Red on blue - what letter is it?" "What single letter, the letter of the law?" " Agh." " Mmm?" " Agh." "What letter is it?" " "A"..." " No, what letter is it?" " Erm..." " The letter of the law." " "J"." " "J"." "In red, on blue?" " Yeah." ""Enviromation", from me, Rosy May." "Britain is soon to have its first portable cemetery." "The cemetery, which opens to the size of a football pitch, holds up to a thousand corpses." "The portable cemetery saves waste." "Scientists in Alaska have found a gap between the horizon and the earth." "The gap, nine miles across, was caused by recent storms which tore the horizon from its moorings." "Civil engineers have set off to lash the horizon down with steel." "I'm Rosy May, and this is my planet." "Take a look at this." "This is St Barley's church in Coventry." "That sequence will be featured in a full report coming up now." "If you mention the Church of England to most people, they immediately think of the sacraments and the holy blood of our Lord Jesus Christ." "But to many within the Church, there is another ritual - the ritual of the bullying ritual." "Ex-curate Peter Litterton was intimidated by his very first vicar." "I went to the bathroom to wash after dinner, and I found my flannel in the toilet." "Another time, I went into the bathroom and all the bristles, bar one, had been cut off my toothbrush." "Another time, he put bleach in my shaving cream," " and Mrs Cape stifled a giggle." " I see." "This is St Barley's church in Coventry." "Barley's vicar Bobby Sky is a former bully himself, but has now decided to speak out." "If a young deacon was being inordinated, then during the ceremony, we would hum during his sermon." "So we would be going, "Mmmmmmm..."" "He'd be trying to speak, not knowing who was humming." " How many were humming?" " About 2oo." "2oo vicars all going, "Mmmmmm..."" "But while some are brave enough to speak out, others are still quietly being beaten up." "Here in St Champs, Coventry, we secretly rigged up one of our cameras to record some bad ecclesiastical hurting." "Sorry, Bishop." "(BISHOP, MOCKING) "Sorry, Bishop." Why are you always being such an arse, hmm?" " I don't know, Bishop." " "I don't know, Bishopl"" " Fold it properlyl" " Yes, Bishop." "(BISHOP LAUGHS)" "Yes, I was picking up the hymn books." "Books very..." "Well, these exact books, and I was stacking them..." "like so." " Yes." " I'd stacked up to my chin, so I was really at full stretch with about 3o hymn books, and he said, " Come on, Peter." "You can fit another one in."" "I said, "No, I really can't." And he pushed one in." ""You can fit another one." I said, "I can't," and he pulled my hair back." "I thought I was going to choke." "Then he ran along this pew... and threw the books..."Pick them up!"" "You do look a rather foolish boy, Paul." "Clean it up." "We'll be back later." "(GIGGLES)" "(SKY) The bullying has got to stop." "Stop the bullying." "Start taking care of your flock." "Pick on someone your own size." "God's bigger than all of us." "Since we recorded that report, everyone featured in it has lost their hair." ""The Day Today" - slamming the wasps from the pure apple of truth." "The Home Secretary's new methods for dealing with noise were introduced this week by Broxbourne police, and they're working." "Noisy people have been a problem in Broxbourne for years." "Now if police receive over five complaints against a household, they just turn up and release a tiger through the front door." "So far, they say the new measures have been 100% successful." "(SCREAMING)" "This weekend, BBC2 celebrates changing attitudes in the last 35 years of television in "Attitudes Night"." "We're at the hanging." "It's a very sombre atmosphere." "The condemned man arrives with executioner Mr Albert Marsh, who's highly respected... (CHRIS) The evening begins with a chance to savour Britain's last televised hanging." "He's using a nylon-hemp mix rope tonight for the first time." "That's what he wanted." "It's to guarantee extra strength..." "What can I do you for?" "The '60s saw television breaking taboos again and again, with "Frampton Row" the first serial to use swear words." "I'm not made o' money, since Eddie Copsie's bloomin' lids." " Oh, aye." " Go on." "I'll have the "Express"." " Here y'are, you big hairy cock." " Ta." " Ta-ra, Stan." " Ta-ra, you shitter." "These days, it's very fashionable among young people to do what I'm doing now." "I'm being fellated by a young girl known as a "groupie"." "It's an interesting feeling and certainly quite relaxing." "Well, it's half an hour later." "My initial reaction was one of intense joy, but that's now been replaced by a vague feeling of inadequacy and gloom." "It's not an experience I see catching on, but neither is it one I regret." "But while some programmes broke taboos, others, like "Them Next Door", would in time become taboo themselves." " What's he want now, eh?" " Ah, Mr Eddie." "Could I be borrowing some sugar for my lunch?" " What did he say?" " He wants a punch." "Ow!" "No!" "You are misunderstanding me." "I am asking for sugar." "That is why I am here." " I can't understand a bleedin' word!" " He wants a thick ear." " Oh, right!" " Ooh!" "No!" "No!" "The same went for Channel 4's "Kiddystare", the show which featured naked two-year-olds romping for the pleasure of adults." "It's looking in excellent condition..." "Yes!" "The lights have gone out." "It's a good clean drop!" "There's the hanging." "Well done." "They'll be pleased with that." "And to play us out, Johnny Stoppard." " Johnny, what are playing tonight?" " "Fancy Lady"." ""Fancy Lady"." "Well, fancy that." "This is Colin Piper bidding you goodnight." "Goodnight." "(EASY-LISTENING TUNE)" "Join us for the hanging." "That's "Attitudes Night", this Friday on BBC2." "(CHRIS) Coming up - more cathedral dumping in Leicester..." "There was two of 'em, two bishops." "They come along and... just dumped it here and legged it off down the road." "...and Manchester police powerless against new weapon menace." "One of these and one of these have a range of 5o feet and can bring down a helicopter." "Now business with Collately Sisters." " Thanks, Chris." " Take her face off the monitor!" "No let-up today for British manufacturers." "There were large profit slumps for Securivadge and United Haha." "Down 6.4, Joiny Collins perhaps units on a lower third rung." "Better news for Edge-Ledge-Wedge-Barge, up 88 very slightly." "But OxyMacGee flew back a ninth, despite a creeping bid from Connected Breathdumps at four." "Currency markets - how did the pound fare?" "A glance at the currency cat." "Not too well." "There's a disconcerting 47-degree slope against the dollar, yen and Deutschmark." "In four months, the pound leg is amputated, leading to a rogue leg with no hip constituency." "Overall for tomorrow's markets - good evening." "Fractious in the nines and sevens." "Chris." "Alternative medicine has been growing in popularity over the last seven years." "The latest fad is sending thousands scurrying to a medieval hospital in Dartmouth." "Iggy Pop Barker reports." "(CHANTS)" "Bile chanting." "You won't have received this treatment before, unless you're 500 years old." "The Sanctus hospital in Dartmouth specialises in medieval healthcare and offers a range of historic remedies at 21st-century prices." "Right." "There." "This should get rid of the melancholy." "Sore a bit?" "Physical complaints, like the lump on this woman's foot, are treated as symptoms of spiritual disorder." "I'm going to make an incision here, make the incision all the way round here and the other side, and then cut through, and then remove this..." " this foot..." " Right." "...remove that and take it away and bury it with some... gooseberries..." "This woman is a witch and is being talked through the drowning procedure." " We'll push you in the pool." " I see." "If you sink to the bottom, you're clear." "If you float, obviously we have to attach some weights to you and... drown you." " You want me to?" " Walk down." "I'll give you a bit of a shove." "(CHANTS)" "Dr Philip Yohansen is Europe's leading practitioner of bile chanting." "He was one of four doctors and ten patients killed in this morning's blaze." "Firemen say the chance of finding anyone else alive is minimal." "Real events shot by chance on amateur cameras are putting professional news crews out of business." "Remedy Malahide reports." "A common studio accident - a man being electrocuted in the face by a loose cable." "What made it uncommon is that it was caught on one of these - a home camcorder." "Hello." "I'm Remedy Malahide." "Tonight, we see a cupful of the thousands of unattractive events poured onto a lens by you the public in..."Genutainment"." "First, these scenes of an audacious bank robbery were captured by Susan Briers, who owns the security cameras at the Norwood branch of NatWest." "The real capturing happened soon after." "Our reality eyefest continues courtesy of a St John's Ambulance unit, who filmed this disturbing spectacle of a distressed caterer who had her finger trapped under the page of a book." "Photo-factuality now, and Mrs Mandy Hell captured these snaps while walking her brother on Wandsworth Common." "The unnamed woman had been pierced by a shaft of frozen urine which had fallen from the toilet of an overhead plane." "Finally, Mr Peter Dexy of Lancaster sent amusing footage of a baseball attack outside his home." "Listen carefully and you can hear that Mr Dexy's cuckoo clock happened to strike in time to each smash of the bat." "On now to our main visual splash, real-life tales of danger and rescue, which thanks to this little child - it's a camcorder - we can show you each week on "It's Your Blood"." "(DRAMATIC MUSIC)" "Every week on "It's Your Blood", we feature an actual bad accident and show how to avoid a similar fate." "This week - "Chopper of Doom"." "Helicopters - machines with blades for cutting air." "Air that's soft and easy to slice, like human beings." "If a helicopter hits the ground at 1oomph, it can be rebuilt." "For a man made of crushable bone and ligaments that tear, it's not so easy." "In recreating the horrific events of 12th December 1992, we've persuaded the original victims to face that ordeal again." "We also use amateur video footage." "All bodily fluids shown actually emerged at the time." "You may find the following sequence produces a powerful sensation in your brain and body." "Farmer Chester Johnson uses a chopper for crop surveillance and he flies it himself." "It's the birthday of his sheepdog Lindsay." "Chester has planned him a treat." "(CHESTER) It was a ride in the helicopter." "I decided to video it as a memento." "(REPORTER) But they were about to make a flight they would never forget, even if their brains were erased with mind rubbers." "At first, everything was normal." "They were enjoying the ride." "(LINDSAY) It was smooth and exhilarating, like an aerial motorbike." "Then Chester decided to look at his watch - a watch we later found to have a dangerous design." "The aircraft was perilously out of control, and, to make matters worse, it was heading for a field of children looking for worms." "By sheer luck, a member of the public, Mrs Maureen Tucker, noticed the helicopter and started shooting these valuable pictures with her own camera." "After ten minutes, she called for help." "Hello." "Oh, no." "A helicopter's out of control." "I wonder who that can be." "It could be Chester Johnson." "He's got a dog." "We'd better call a shepherd." "The steel vulture of Beelzebub was now just seconds away from the children's soft heads." "(WHISTLES AND CALLS OUT)" "Move the stick slightly..." "With me." "With me." "Steady." "Come by. (WHISTLES)" "Come by." "By sheer brilliance, the shepherd/dog team also managed to avoid an old woman up a stick." "While the heroes celebrated, the unattended flock caused a pile-up on the M5 in which 430 people were injured." "Mercifully, the ordeal forged such firm bonds between the victims that it led in many cases to marriage." "If this happened to you, would you know what to do?" "Your chances would be improved if someone on the ground had one of these." "(WHISTLES)" "It's a pocket shepherd." "It costs just £59, a small price to pay for a functioning body that works properly." "News jiffyl" "Quick look at tomorrow's headlines." ""Aristocrat's dung saves village from flood" - in the "Mail"." ""Today" - "Drowned Italian wins Eurovision."" "The " Express" - " Lord Mayor's pirouette in fire chief wife decapitation."" "Grisly but gripping." "The "Sun" - "Robin Cock."" "The " Daily Star" - " Feel my nose and put my specs there roars drunken Major."" "That's "The Day Today" on the day that Yeltsin described milking Mrs Thatcher." "...out of her flabby breasts..." " Goodnight."