"# My thoughts may stray #" "# My eyes may roam #" "# The neighbors' grass may seem much greener #" "# Than the grass right here at home #" "# If pretty girls excite me, well, that's life #" "# But just in case you didn't know #" "# I love my wife #" "# If rosy lips invite me, hey, that's life #" "# But just in case you couldn't guess #" "# Or hadn't heard or didn't know #" "# I love my wife, I love my wife #" "# I love my wife. #" "Woosh!" "See the cartoons?" "Look at the cartoon." "Bobby, are you okay in there?" "Ow!" "Fuck!" "Micky, what's up?" "Hey, just getting ready for work." "What are you doing?" "You know Patty Reynolds in Classified?" "I finally hit that last night." "It was great." "She lives the next block over, man." "I spent the night." "So I thought I'd take the train into work with you, be buddies and shit." "No, l-l..." "I would, it's..." "I'm actually going in late." "I made breakfast for Donna and Bobby." "She's gonna be coming out any second." "Can I just say this is cool?" "Someday I want what you have, Micky." " A nice storybook family." " You don't want what I have today." "We got in a fight a few nights ago and I'm still in the shitter." " So, come on." " What?" "Fight?" "What happened?" "I came home and she was hanging out with Larry the contractor." "They were after work, having fun and laughing and I accused her of liking him or something." "You actually walked in on a makeup suck-up breakfast." "This is a married man at his low point." "You don't want to see this." "You better go." "No no no, I want to see it." " I like this." "I want to see it." " No no." "You got to go, okay?" "She's coming out." "No, man, relax." "She likes me." "She knows me." "Don't be an asshole." "I'm in enough trouble as it is." " Hey." " What is he doing here?" "Hey babe, I made breakfast for everybody." "I got Bobby all fed." "He's watching cartoons." " You look great." " I said, what is he doing here?" " Him?" " Oh." "I'm... not." "I was just on my way." "Yeah, he's leaving." " Yeah, I gotta go." " Good, do." "Go!" "Man, you were right." "This is some scary shit." "You got it real good out there, Kevin." "Turn and run." "On your way down the hill, warn the villagers." "Okay, so listen," "I made you a full English breakfast." "I made all your favorites." "I got sausage, I got ham," "I got... fuck!" "I got bacon." "I got everything here." "Look at that." "You'd think I was trying to kill you with all that meat." "Okay look, I just want to say, what I said the other night," "I'm sorry." "I have a big mouth sometimes." "What did you do, make out?" "You want to fuck this guy, don't you?" "Sometimes?" "That's an understatement." "Okay, I say some stupid things." "All right..." "You're eating." "That's a good sign." "I'm hungry." "Very hungry." "Anger does that." "You were able to tell me you have anger." "That's good." "Communication skills are important in a marriage." "A good marriage takes communication, takes work, okay?" "And forgiveness." " Want some more coffee?" " I do." "It's coming right up." "It's selfish lust, Missy." "It's over." "No more sex talk, no more lunches, and I cannot go to your apartment anymore." "It's over." " Morning, Missy." " Morning, Micky." "Well, look at this." "You got published." ""Missy Bartlett reports on the recent surge in poetry raves."" " Good for you." " Yeah, it's good." " No money, but I'm a writer." " Yes, you are." " So listen, everything okay with us?" " Fine." "Okay, I'll be in my office." "At least I didn't have to make her breakfast." "Donna Barnes." "Hi, it's me." "Listen," "I just want to say you were a first-class bitch this morning, okay?" "Okay, big deal, I was out of hand." "But I got up, I made breakfast, I cleaned the house, and you could have been a lot fuckin' nicer, okay?" "You better get your act together." "I'm not one who takes a lot of shit from his women, you hear me?" "Donna Barnes." "Hey babe, it's Micky." "I just wanted to call and say that I was really sorry" " about what happened the other night." " It's fine." "I'm in the middle of something though, can I call you later?" " Later?" " Yeah, please." "Okay." "Bye-bye, baby." "Nice, nice turn of phrase." " Do you really think so?" " Yep." " You ready?" " Hey, Micky, you see this stuff?" "Your girl here's a budding Mike Royko." "Yeah, I haven't had a chance to look at it yet." "Missy, see if Alderman Constantine can push lunch to Wednesday." "I'm gonna go see the city parks people." "If they ask about the tax package column, tell him it isn't written yet." " Okay." " Well done, girl." "Thanks." "What do you know?" "What did she say?" "You, you're in the crapper." "Yeah, she's pissed, she's sad, she's hurt, what is she?" "She's upset." "She'll be fine." "She's happy about that little alternative paper thing." "That's cushioning the fall." "It's a good move." "I didn't do it for that reason." "Donna's pissed at me too." "Everyone's pissed at you but me." "I like that." "Puts me in the power position." "You're buying me lunch today." " I am?" " That's right, bitch." "Okay, I'm going to the taping." "Fine." "You gonna keep this up?" "Come on, baby, I'm getting tired of it." "I said I was sorry." "I kissed ass." "What do you want?" "I'm getting tired of it too." "Fine, if you're tired of it then let it go." "Just be a man, will you please?" "What does that mean?" "It means I want to be married to a man, not a teenager." " Gentlemen." " Oh boy, look who's here." "Hello, fellas." "We have a new writer in our midst." "She has just broken her cherry." "I think it's only appropriate that she should" " drink free on one of us tonight." " Yeah." " My vote is you, Kevin." " Yeah right." "Picture me buying drinks for a reporter from "Chicago in Perspective."" " Oh..." " That's nice, real nice." "Hey, I'm Slayton." "Let me just say congratulations." "Missy Bartlett." "Nice to meet you." "Of course it is." "You're only human." "Let's see if you shoot pool as well as you write, shall we?" "I'm awful, unless I'm drunk." "Really?" "Why don't you get me a drink and I'm gonna go to the ladies' room." "Right through there." "All righty." "What the fuck are you doing over there?" " What's going on, man?" " Yeah, man?" "You know this won't sit too well with Micky." "What are you talking about?" "He doesn't own her." "She's just his assistant." "He's not going there, trust me." "There's a line you're crossing there and you know it." "You never fuck a buddy's wife, his daughter, or his assistant." "His daughter, maybe." "Depends how well you know the guy, but his assistant, wife, never." "He's right." "Once I screwed a buddy's assistant." "It sucked." "Couldn't call his office for like a year." "The less you boys worry about me and the more you worry about your silly fucked-up lives the better off we'll all be." "Fine, screw me, but don't say we didn't warn you." "You know what the bullshit part about this is?" "Even if she does give it up to you, she'll only be doing it to piss Micky off." " He's right." " What do you bet" "I still get a humdinger of a hard-on." "If you're just joining us, we're talking about the gun control bill in the senate on the heels of this terrible tragedy." "Now, Sandy, you feel the bill is good, it should be passed." " Yes, I do." " Micky, what do you say to that?" "She's right." "It's a good bill, and I'm glad the mayor's supporting it." "Sandy, are you just gonna let him sit there and agree with you like that?" "Yes, I am." "You know..." "Stop tape!" "What the hell is going on here?" "The name of the show is not "Gee, I Think You Have a Good Point."" "You're supposed to cut each other a new asshole." "Now, please can we take it from the top again, this time with a little feeling?" "Jesus Christ!" "We're back on a very tragic day." "I think one of us just lost the slot on the show." "We're only good to them when we're bickering, you know?" "Who told them to come up with that topic?" "I know." "Had to pick tonight of all nights to go off on me." " Why, what's tonight?" " Nah, it's..." "You okay?" "Just having a little trouble on the home front." " Mmm." " Donna's not too happy with me tonight." "I know that one." "Sometimes Matt gets mad and he stays that way for weeks." "What do you do to make him mad for weeks?" "Oh... you don't want to know." "Yeah, I do." "I'd want to know something like that." "You know, marriage..." " it's tough." " Tell me about it." "I wonder sometimes if it's possible in this day and age for us to be as pure as we think we're supposed to be." "Must have been easier in the old days when we lived on farms, and went years without seeing another member of the opposite sex." "Back when our spouse's only competition was a mule..." "Of course, knowing me," "I'd probably be fantasizing about fucking the mule." " Did I just say that?" " Yes, yes you did." " Sorry." " You are a very sick pup." " Yeah I am, sorry." " Hey, um..." "I'm sorry." "Do you want to go get some dinner or?" "Dinner?" "Somehow the image of me having sex with a mule inspires you to ask me to dinner?" "Is that a yes or a no?" "It's a yes." "It's probably not safe for me to go home anyways," " so come on, let's go have dinner." " Okay." "I can't believe I said that." "Micky?" "Wake up, Micky." "Micky." "Hey, hi, Micky!" "Hi." "I loved being with you tonight." "I think I'm gonna want to have sex with you." "Oh God, here we go again." "Oh, no, it's okay though." "I'm married." "I just want to fuck you, and worship you, and laugh at everything you say." "And then go home to my husband." "Yeah." "Yeah, okay." "Who was that?" "What?" "That?" "That was that Sandy woman, wasn't it?" "From the mayor's office." "Yeah." "So you're gonna fixate on screwing her now, is that it?" "Yeah, I think I am." "I just got over one unfulfilled sexual fantasy," "I'm not sure I have the energy to do it all over again." "Then why don't you not do it?" "Why don't you obsess about screwing me for a change?" "Listen, babe, the thing is, it's all in my head." "It is, it's just all in my head." "And I don't know where it comes from." " Since caveman stuff or something." " Mmm." "I mean, I love being married to you." "I do, I just... sometimes I don't get a huge thrill out of having sex with you anymore." "I love you but sometimes I just want to have sex with anyone else but you." "Can I say that to you without you hating me?" "Oh, in your dreams you can." "I know, what about in reality?" "In reality can I say anything close to that?" "Not unless you're wearing a full suit of armor, you can't." "Yeah." "And it better have extra strong protection around the balls, got it?" "Got it, the balls, yeah, extra protection." " Mmm, good night." " Good night." "I'll tell you again, Micky, you really should have fucked me when you had the chance." "God." "Randall, what's this I hear you're taking Missy off my desk?" "I'm thinking about giving her a copy-desk job," " get you a new assistant." " Why?" " She's talented." " So?" "I'm doing you and her a favor moving her along." "I like you, Barnes." "You're a good fella." "I mean you're young, but you're not so young." "But you're at that age where you think you're gonna explode." "You want to get into a little trouble." "Not so much trouble that it's real trouble, but enough to get the blood flowing again." "Am I saying it clearly?" "Yeah, yes." "Your assistant isn't the answer." "I know that." "Okay, what is the answer?" "Oh, I'm the wrong guy to tell you what to do." "I just know what you don't want to do." "It all has a price." "That's what you've got to learn, lad." "It's a truth as old as the warts on my Aunt Gilda's ass." "The concept of free pussy is a sham." "It doesn't exist." "No such thing as free pussy." " I got it." " Then say it back to me." "Say it back to you?" " I want to hear you say it." " Why?" "I want to make sure that it's seeped in." "There's no such thing as free pussy." "It's all got a price." "Now get your ass out of my office." " Where are we going, huh?" " Karaoke." "Karaoke." "Thanks." "Dude, I mean Jake." "You know who I'd like to smack the piss out of?" "The guy that invented the dildo." "What was this schmuck thinking?" "What guy comes up with the notion, "I'm gonna invent something that's bigger harder and easier to live with than I am"?" "Dildo's are a big business." "Bet that guy made a fortune." "Not my point." "I'm talking about a bigger door you can never close." "This guy single-handedly gave a planet full of horny broads a reason to stay home all by themselves instead of going out grazing." "This guy's like the Oppenheimer of sex toys." "Hey, Mick." "Jake and Missy in here together all night?" "They were here." "What do you think about the birth of the dildo?" "It's pissing me off." "I can't stop thinking about it." "Should I be pissed?" "This has really got him going." "So is he fucking her?" "You think he's fucking her?" "He's Jake." "Yeah, he probably is." "What do you think, Slayton?" "Of course he's fuckin' her." "Thanks for soft-pedaling that for me." "You're good friends." "She's your assistant, Micky." "You shouldn't care." " I shouldn't?" " No, I know you do, but you shouldn't." "Adult life is tough enough." "Why is it that we constantly manufacturer needless things to be upset about?" "You know what the problem is?" "Our lives are too easy, so we make them harder." "I'm not constantly manufacturing stuff to make my life harder." "I'm not, don't say that." "You are, we all are." "We do it." "This is an easy time for us." "Sure we got problems but they're good problems." "Why do you gotta come up here and bum everyone out all the time?" "Why don't you get a hobby?" "Hey." " What?" " Nothing." "Just waiting for you." "Waiting for me to do what?" "To apologize?" "'Cause I already said I was sorry." "Oh, I know." "But you have something else to say, don't you?" "No, I don't." "What happened to the Micky that was a constant stream of consciousness?" "The one that always spoke his mind no matter what, shot from the hip, told the truth and dealt with the consequences from there?" "You're still that guy in your columns." "You give yourself away to the world four times a week." "Why aren't you that guy with me anymore?" "Poor thing, he's starving." "I don't think we have enough grain to keep him from falling sick like the other children." "A couple more days to the border, we'll get him to the Red Cross camp." "You've got to stay strong, okay?" "The guerrillas..." "everyone is scared." "You will not get any of this at Red Cross camp, Micky." "I have a little care package down here for you too, no?" "Micky." "Take me, Micky." "Make me to forget hell that is my life." "Take me." "Take you?" "I'm busy protecting my wife and my people." "The guerrillas, they know we're here..." "Yes, this I know." "But I am so horny for married man." "Take me." "Okay, quickly though." "Quickly, come on." "No!" "No!" "I am so sorry, Micky." "I would say "Come, let's finish," but in truth," "I'm only horny for married man, and you are sadly single now, yes?" "If I followed up with something similar, but on the national level, it would totally be different." "I gotta go." "I'll call you back." "What's going on with you and Jake?" "You can tell me the truth too." "Don't worry, I won't be hurt." "We fucked..." "last night." "It was good, we had a good time." "You fucked?" "You and Jake, you fucked?" "Do you want to say that a little bit louder?" "Some of our colleagues over there didn't hear you." "What, you fucked Jake to piss me off?" "No." "Well, maybe at first, but then he was so nice and funny, and... he's a colossal fuck, I get it." " I don't want to hear this, okay?" " You asked." "Okay, you win." "I'm hurt." "You win." "I'm hurt, okay?" "Tag I'm it, I'm hurt." "Good, you should be hurt." "You should be good and hurt." "What are you talking about?" "You played with me, and I don't like to be played with, Micky." "What do you think Jake did?" "We played with each other." "Jake knows what he wants." "He doesn't go around screwing with people's heads, wasting their time." "You are a waste of time, Micky." "Do you want anything else?" "Do you want printing, or coffee or anything?" "No." "Good, I'm going on my break." "They got me in this little boat and send me over to this island." "It's got this ring of clouds around this volcano..." " Hey, Micky." " Hey, Micky, what's up man?" "Have dinner yet?" "Want to join us, man?" "Randall's telling war stories and he's in rare form tonight." "I was telling them about this tour of duty I did in the South Seas..." "Jake, Jake, can I see you alone for a minute, please?" "Sorry, Randall." " This is important." " Fine fine." "Okay, Randall don't say anything about that Kon-Tiki girl, all right, till I get back." "You fucked her?" "You fucked Missy?" " Is that what she said?" " Yes." "I'd never say anything about that young lady to make you doubt her honesty." "You're an asshole." "What are you doing, Micky?" "Going off like that in front of Randall?" "She's my assistant, Jake, hello!" "She's also young, free, hot and single." "When are you gonna learn?" "When are you gonna get your shit together?" "We work with her." "This is not good." "We're fucked-up guys, you and I." "We need to be on guard." "We need to be diligent." " You know what's gonna happen?" " What's gonna happen?" "We're gonna lose everything that's important to us, because of this silly, inbred craziness." " You're a fool." " At least I treat you with respect." "How would you like if I fucked your assistant?" "My assistant would never fuck you, Micky." "That's the difference." "I didn't fuck her, okay?" "I didn't even touch her." "I probably could have and I might one day." "But right now, she's just picking at you." "And I was having fun flirting with her, nothing more." "You swear?" "You swear?" "Look me in the eye." "Shut the fuck up!" "I have no reason to look you in the eye." "What do you wanna be?" "Do you want to be a player?" "Do you?" "'Cause if you want to play, play and at least enjoy it." "But right now, you're just making yourself miserable." "You're not happy being the straight married guy and you're not happy skipping out the back door." "It's wearing me down, Micky." "I can only imagine the hell you're going through." "Hello, Doug." "How are you tonight?" "Hey, good." "You look sad tonight, Doug." "Sad?" "I don't know if sad is the right word." "What is right word?" ""Confused"?" "Is confused right word?" "You do, you look confused tonight, Doug." "You know what?" "I want to do it." "I want to do it tonight." "Oh, you want happy ending." "No, I don't think a happy ending is gonna do it for me tonight." "What you want?" "You want lay-down dancing?" "Lay-down dancing, that's what you call it?" "Yes... you want naked nookie." "Yeah, fine, naked nookie, lay-down dancing, whatever you, whatever..." "Oh, you want golden special full-body pussy massage." "Yeah, fine, however, whatever..." "Or maybe you just want to fuck me, Micky." " Is that how you likes it?" " Yeah." "You want number five just say number five." "Okay, can we just stop talking now?" "Or maybe you want number six, or seven." " Any number you want." " Okay, shh." "Maybe we could do number one, special number one." "Oh, I like that, you like that?" " Yeah, shh." " It's a new one." " Shhh." " # More than he #" "# And more than she #" "# They all sleep #" "# We just dream #" "# It's more or less #" "# Means more for us #" "# But it's more #" "# Everybody wants a hand #" "# I'm too busy #" "# Holding up the world #" "# To carry on #" "# Oh, not anymore #" "# I wish that I #" "# Could fly, fly #" "# Fly away #" "# And if I should fall #" "# And you hear me call #" "# Would you stay?" "#" "# He-ey #" " # Now, more than us # - # More than us #" " # We are there # - # We are there #" "# They don't know #" " # What's in their heads # - # What's in their heads #" "# It's more than you and it's more than I #" "# But it's more #" "# And everybody calls it love #" "# But I'm not really sure #" "# This is love #" "# At all #" "# No, not anymore #" "# Anymore #" "# Anymore, anymore... #" "# Anymore #" "# Anymore #" "# Anymore. #"