"APPLAUSE and welcome to QI where we have prepared for you gammons and other gingambobs." "On the panel tonight we have the gotch-gutted Hugh Dennis." "APPLAUSE" "What does that mean?" "Phill Jupitus" "APPLAUSE" "Andy Hamilton." "APPLAUSE" "Alan Davies." "APPLAUSE the buzzers are all on a Georgian theme." "Hugh goes..." "OBOE PLAYS STATELY MELODY" "Ah." "Andy goes..." "BASSOON PLAYS JAUNTY TUNE" "LAUGHTER" "Phill goes..." "JOLLY MELODY ON STRINGS AND FLUTE" "LAUGHTER" "Wow!" "And Alan goes..." "MUSIC: "When I'm Cleaning Windows" by George Formby" "LAUGHTER" "It's George Formby." "# When I'm cleaning windows. #" "George Formby." "Excellent." "APPLAUSE that I've been reading my 18th century book of Georgian slang." "And I called you gravy-eyed." "What do you think that means?" "Eyes like gravy?" "runny eyes." "Glimflashy?" "the glims of their eyes." "There is a great phrase called "whiddle my scrap"." "Do you know what that means?" "Does that mean you can 000?" "Very good!" "see what they're up to." "He whiddled my scrap." "I have decided to institute a game of whiddle my scrap." "It's an early version of Call My Bluff." "So let's play whiddle my scrap." "Let's have a word." "Let's have your team." "You've got to do it as Robert Robinson or I'm not playing." "it's a gentleman of three outs." "What can it mean?" "What can it mean?" "Andy has the answer." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "A gentleman of three outs was a genteel Georgian expression without wit and without manners." "without wit and without manners." "Like a sort of Piers Morgan of the 18th century." "yes." "yes!" "Good." "A gentleman of three outs is a status thing." "The 18th century was a period in which many of the great homes were built." "so they built smaller houses." "But they put lots of outhouses on them." "So if you were a gentleman of three outs it would mean you had three outbuildings and that would have been a mark of your status and your means." "Jonny Tripplearse." "LAUGHTER one of those is maybe more plausible..." "I don't know." "who's your captain?" "Who's going to guess?" "It's a..." "THEY GRUNT INCOHERENTLY" "I never really used to like Call My Bluff." "I thought it was quite boring because of this bit." "I'm leaning towards Hugh..." "And they look at you and try and see if you crack." "have a plump"." "Plump for something." "The first one." "is it true?" "It's easy to go for the first one because you couldn't actually remember what it was." "What he said." "I wasn't really listening." "I can't stand Call my Bluff." "This is why..." "Why are we playing Call My Bluff?" "It's a shit game!" "We've invented a really good game and we're playing a shit one." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "It's a way of allowing our brilliance to stand out." "they're busy playing QI." "They're having a right laugh!" "Shall I do it the way Diana Rigg would do it?" "Go on." "You're right!" "APPLAUSE" "Now let's have the next word." "And it's..." "Grog blossom." "Would you like to explain what grog blossom is?" "mould that you have to clean out before you can use it again." "out-of-work actor they used to have in an effort to beg for work." "Imagine if you will..." "So true!" "..a lone figure walking across Hampstead Heath... he is making his way back from an evening at the inn." "Where he has partaken... of mead and other lascivious beverages." "LAUGHTER" "Adorning the chin of said stout fellow... for they betray his excesses." "were known as... available for panto." "Grog blossom." "bravo!" "APPLAUSE or it's the mould growing on the inside of a barrel of ale." "Would you like to confer?" "I think it's the stuff around the barrel." "Do you?" "The dull one." "Yeah." "We're going for the dull answer please." "true or bluff?" "It's a bluff!" "GROANS it was he!" "Ha-ha!" "Yes...it is." "APPLAUSE let's look at a notable gaffe now." "How did Captain Schlitt's number two sink his own U-boat?" "I'm assuming that the good captain was in the bath." "This couldn't have happened in an actual... it was a real..." "You mean playing with a toy U-boat?" "And it was a number two." "a number two in that sense." "number one"." "He might have blocked the loo and caused some sort of terrible backup... affected the ballast." "Imagine how the lavatory on a submarine works." "Ah!" "a bit of a clue." "A ruthless competitor!" "LAUGHTER" "It's something to do with the flush on the toilet." "How does that work when you're underwater?" "but lets water in?" "Yes." "The point is that obviously the lavatorial arrangements of a boat that is submersible are complex. you have to have special training to operate the flush." "Or... tied to a rope." "and you pull him back in." "LAUGHTER 1945." "Just before the end of the war... how annoying." "Very annoying for him!" "And he has a poo." "And he claims that the loo was faulty and didn't work properly." "klo...gebrochen." "IN GERMAN ACCENT:" "It was not working. to come in." "Because there was a bit of a..." "And so he did it himself and got it in the wrong order and he filled the place with sewage and water." "AUDIENCE GROANS" "But more importantly..." "He just left it?" "Yeah." "As you would if you're in a hotel for example!" "it was...that was like that when I went in." "It was... ja." "Don't go in that one." "My God!" "and the... that's the point." "Did they perish?" "the water came in and it leaked into..." "what powered those U-boats?" "Diesel?" "No." "They had a battery." "A huge acid battery." "And when the seawater hits the battery it creates?" "toxic chlorine gas." "and they were spotted and blown out of the water." "So just because he basically..." "That's very unfair to shoot a man with his trousers round his ankles." "It is a bit." "Toilet's blocked." "This doesn't count!" "Captain Karl-Adolph Schlitt sank his own U-boat using nothing more deadly than its own lavatory." "getting up." "What gets you up in the morning?" "LAUGHTER erm... isn't really part of my job." "LAUGHTER so I thought I'd wake up quite naturally." "But I was listening to Radio Four on the way to work the next day and I heard the news on the radio" "I dreamed this?" "For two days I thought I was psychic." "Because I'd been dreaming what I was listening to on the World Service." "I've got the powers!" "if you didn't have an alarm clock?" "the number of times... six." "And you would..." "Wake up at six." "With concussion." "Have you not tried that?" "Maybe you have to have been to a boarding school. we'll get up at three and we'll go down to the kitchens and you'd eat the blocks of jelly..." "Left out especially for the ones who were going to raid the kitchen." "Probably." "The kids have been raiding the kitchen again - better leave some jelly out." "and you'd wake up at three." "It seemed to work." "We were convinced it did." "Sleep researchers say it doesn't." "You just wake up a lot because you're not sleeping." "And you look at your watch and you only remember the one that works." "You've got a tremendous headache." "do you work late?" "No." "I can get up early if I have to." "Yeah." "It's reckoned that 20% of people are genuinely... as you might say. and just can't get up if they're an owl." "teenagers are owls." "Very old people tend to get back to being larks again and rise early. best part of the day." "Best part of the day." "It's not!" "It's just part of the day." "I see another bit of the day..." "When nothing's open. it's three or four in the morning and you're having an all-nighter and you hear the binmen and you feel guilty." "yes!" "It belongs to me!" "isn't it." "I used to live in a house in Hernhill and I had the room at the front." "And there was one binman who thought he could sing." "Don't Cry For Me Argentina." "But he could never get the last note." "So you had..." "Argentina... #" "LAUGHTER" "No!" "morning to morning. every morning." "Rex Harrison did your bins?" "!" "didn't you know?" "Hee-hee!" "Do you know what the American Indians supposedly did to ensure they got up for a dawn raid?" "They didn't have alarm clocks." "Leave the window..." "leave the curtains open?" "No." "Dogs?" "They would drink lots of water." "So they needed a wee." "So you would have to get up for a wee." "MIT produced a clock it runs off and hides..." "Ha-ha!" "..so that when it rings again you have to get up to stop it." "so it's never in the same place." "Quite clever." "They are working on really important projects." "which is an alarm clock in the shape of a dumbbell." "You can't shut it up unless you do 30 reps." "So it's a way of getting fit and waking up at the same time." "What a deeply demoralising - that clock thing - demoralising start to the day." "You've been outwitted by a clock." "the clock's given you the run-around for half an hour. you donate money to a political cause you hate." "isn't it." "but it's a monkey." "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "on the hour." "But only ever when I'm saying something important." "what you've got to understand..." "Ooo!" "Ooo!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "And one day it's going to end up like the cuckoo clock in Steptoe And Son." "when you've reached the punch line of a joke." "And so she says..." "And who's having the lamb?" "Very annoying." "there are of course many cunning ways of waking yourself up without an alarm clock." "American Indians swore by a nice full bladder." "Here are samples of handwriting from our panellists." "I want you to match the handwriting to the panellist and see what you can say about it." "cos you'll know your own." "my name is Phill Jupitus." "I wonder who that could be." "I think there's a clue in that one." "calligraphically learnt." "I wish to complaint about QI." "Can I ask why I'm wearing a beret?" "LAUGHTER that's the eyebrow I can't control." "It's just up there." "or on its way down?" "I've no idea." "I must not answer back to..." "D is Phill." "D is Phill." "I think there's a strong chance it's Phill." "cos he writes on my scripts. when we're filming." "Does he have that fine handwriting?" "It is very fine." "that is me." "Congratulations on fine handwriting." "systematic thinker." "but deep in thought." "Sociable because of the slightly forward slant to the right." "OK that's good." "We can eliminate D as being Andy Hamilton." "I think C is Alan." "Because it's the untidiest?" "I just think it's Alan." "Alan?" "that's really good." "How did you know?" "Did you watch me doing it earlier?" "that looks like Alan wrote it..." "LAUGHTER" "..which is the only way you can play this game." "Close lettering is unstable apparently." "Oh." "There wasn't much room on the bit of paper." "No?" "Ah..." "I had to squeeze it in to get it in." "Letters not mostly joined up - sometimes does things without thinking." "fat pen!" "You can't do joined up." "You gave me a marker pen!" "B and A left." "I think Phill and I can probably work out... yeah?" "you know..." "I'm very in touch with that part of my nature." "It's very nice handwriting." "Does it say anything about me?" "Yeah." "but not all letters." "Artistic and intuitive." "egotism and coldness on the other hand because it's upright." "Why's being upright mean that... and any imperative test ever done has zero validity." "Like astrology." "non-round?" "Yeah." "it's interesting to know that." "And even in America it's not allowable in court." "Forensic..." "Sorry!" "but... that is allowable." "But the idea that you can interpret character is absolute nonsense." "I'm not looking forward to the DNA round." "000 British businesses use graphologists for recruitment." "They actually hire people on the basis of a completely specious... isn't it?" "But it's botty water!" "don't they?" "but you can tell gender." "And you thought I was a girl!" "I said not 100%." "We actually Tipp-Exed out the smiley-faced dots over the eyes. sometimes does things without thinking." "I'm with you there." "Yeah." "Unstable." "Whoa!" "Thinking of having a fight." "Who is the coldest?" "Let's both get a 99 and just stand there with it." "First one to melt loses." "Whoa." "I thought I was cold." "Phew!" "He is cold." "So you did a handwriting test?" "I sat a test to become a French train driver." "What?" "! you ought to find out if the person's a maniac or not." "We don't bother with that." "And... and there was a handwriting element." "and there was a kind of rubber ring and you had to try and trace over what was written there." "or possibly too aggressive." "you were deemed to be too passive." "Good Lord." "What was really interesting was the tests were all actually common sense." "There was one that if it's yellow and you'll hear a hooter if you get it wrong." "You did it for about 15 seconds and then they arbitrarily sounded the hooter." "And it was just to see if you went to pieces or not." "I'm fascinated how you can drive a train too passively though." "What do you do?" "we're going terribly fast." "no!" "You're turning into Alan Bennett." "Well there you are." "How can you tell when you're a victim of the Goldilocks effect?" "BASSOON PLAYS JAUNTY TUNE" "You feel just right." "Ah." "That's sort of exactly what a Goldilocks anything is." "Because that's the nature of Goldilocks. this one is just right." "The Goldilocks effect is used in business." "You set a price for something...." "Then you set three bears on them." "You have a range of three and the most expensive one is unbelievably expensive." "really." "Then there's a third one that's really very cheap and most people will go for the second one." "The first one's too expensive." "That's a bargain!" "of Goldilocks pricing is the airfare." "Basic economy price for a transatlantic airline is about £500." "500." "000." "business class with all its perks 000 even though it's still seven times as expensive as economy." "very fast runner. they have to make some that are extremely expensive because people will buy them." "the other manufacturer will charge £200 for basically... then they're really about the same after that." "you're just giving them money." "bizarre." "people will believe it must be quality and they see me coming..." "They see those people coming!" "There are other Goldilocks things. which would support water where it wouldn't be too hot or too cold." "Goldilocks pricing is a technique where one item is given a huge price tag to help persuade us that the next one down is relatively good value." "Now we're off to Ireland where the policemen are called...?" "exactly." "Did you hear about the Irish policeman who tried to arrest a Polish driving licence?" "Do you know this story?" "You do?" "I sort of..." "Someone was done for speeding or something in lots of different parts of Ireland?" "Yeah." "That's exactly right." "He had 50 offences against him and was fast becoming the most wanted motorist in Ireland." "But Prawo Jazdy is a master criminal because he had different driving licences with different addresses." "This Prawo Jazdy had all these..." "Goodness knows what he was up to apart from the driving offences! but Prawo Jazdy is the Polish for driving licence." "the Garda had..." "There it is" " Prawo Jazdy." "Hang on a minute!" "The fact it said permis de conduire above it might have been a hint but there we are." "Rzeczpospolita Polska." "guess who had the first driving licence in the world?" "The Queen." "you couldn't be "wronger" because the Queen has...?" "No driving licence." "No driving licence." "She's the only person in Britain who doesn't have a driving licence yet who drives." "Cheat!" "in a legal way." "She's the only one who has no legal need for a driving licence." "What does she show them at Blockbusters to prove her address and that?" "A £20 note." "LAUGHTER" "That would do it." "APPLAUSE perhaps." "Who invented the motorcar?" "exactly." "the citizens demand..." "IN GERMAN ACCENT:" "I think I need a licence!" "It's a dangerous machine." "I need a licence to drive." "Now I can drive." "IN GERMAN ACCENT:" "Driving licence number one." "Zero zero zero one." "'I bet the first thing he did when he got on the road' IN GERMAN ACCENT:" ""Where is YOUR licence?" "dear." "IN GERMAN ACCENT:" "I will issue you with the licence." "It's five marks." "Zero zero zero TWO!" "Good day to you!" "Where is your licence?" "I will issue you with a licence." "Five marks." "Zero zero zero three." "he was so busy!" "The authorising body was called the Dampfkessel Uberwachungs-Verein which granted the first mandatory licences in Prussia." "IN GERMAN ACCENT:" "The SS..." "A." "LAUGHTER women in Lithu..." "He was still doing it!" "No." "Number one million one thousand..." "Five euros." "Where is your licence?" "LAUGHTER women had to undergo a certain test in order to get a licence." "What do you think that test was?" "In where?" "Lithuania?" "Yes." "Smear test?" "a gynaecological examination." "You're joking!" "right." "100 of them. should you pick them up and push them back in?" Is the answer yes or no?" "I should think you don't push them back in..." "You're right. .." "I would have thought." "I'm not a doctor!" "Didn't they have that weird thing in the cultural revolution in China?" "Traffic lights here are green for go and red for stop." "that that was incorrect and red should mean go" "Communism and all the rest of it... so on some traffic lights green was go and on some red was go and they had thousands of accidents change it back." "Wow." "Hence the probability of intestines lying on the road." "Probably where it came from in the first place." "A practical question." "they can be. who just carried straight on." "so the green... can't you?" "Stephen!" "usually." "You're right." "I'm sorry." "Can we not argue?" "That is what the terrorists want." "LAUGHTER You're right!" "voice of sanity." "the lights never hit anyone." "That's quite a good motto for driving." "It is." "IN GERMAN ACCENT:" "This is one I will use!" "ze lights never hit anyone." "Ausgezeichnet." "so can you tell me what travels from Land's End to John O'Groats every year at about one third of a mile per hour but it slows down a bit on hills." "Does it specifically go from there to there or..." "It goes from the south to the north but it includes going from Land's End..." "Is it a tectonic wave or..?" "I think." "which you were sort of getting towards." "Is it dress sense?" "then." "The Gulf Stream or something?" "Is it a windy thing?" "It's seasonal." "It is a season." "Winter?" "Spring. all the way up to the very north and up to the Orkneys." "But what's the definition of spring?" "There's a phenotype analysis you can do of particular common plants blooming." "they've already got daffodils out." ""They haven't got tulips yet." "It's very noticeable." "They're too lazy to sow the bastards! You might like to make note that it's the first day of spring today." "it's not!" "I think you'll find I'm still freezing here." "Eight miles a day it does?" "Spring?" "Is that what we're saying?" "It takes about eight weeks to get from John O'Groats and that's about a third of a mile per hour." "You could walk and just beat spring." "Yeah." "You could." "It's a weird thought." "Very weird." "it'd go pop-pop-pop-pop." "And it would be rather beautiful." "I'm in touch with my feminine side!" "You're responding to your handwriting beautifully." "of the various things that trigger spring." "spring moving up like that." "Why do birds fly south in the winter?" "I thought you were going to sing Close To You!" "To go to Margate." "Because it's too far to walk." "Bah." "aren't they?" "you feel nicer." "More food to eat." "There's nothing like the sun on your feathers." "you can't get at them or they've died or are in a dormant state and are not available." "Food for the birds is not there." "So it is food." "Spring travels north through Britain at around one third of a mile per hour but arrives two days later for every hundred foot of elevation. what happened to the snail telegram or telegraph?" "LAUGHTER is it?" "That's just..." "No." "mated that forever afterwards they had a telepathic power." "There's some mating snails for you." "that they could communicate thoughts to each other." "he raised money to develop this system where he had a sort of dish to which he glued 24 snails" "Q and X possibly." "And then the mates of each one he did the same to on another dish all he had to do was wibble the A and the A in New York would wibble because it had mated with the..." "And so you'd send your message by typing snails and the person at the other end would watch the snails vibrate and read out the message." "he found someone to invest in this." "LAUGHTER is how we broke the Enigma code." "Isn't it fantastic?" "It was called the Pasilalinic - a sympathetic compass using "escargotic" vibration." "Those snails are just disgusting." "Lying all over each other." "Will they stop it!" "Get a room!" "they have got a room." "They carry their room around with them!" "That's their thing." "Is it wrong to be aroused now?" "Because I am." "sadly the Pasilalinic Sympathetic Compass or snail telegraph simply didn't work." "what's the point of those machines?" "an eternally filling glass in the middle." "Never empty." "absolutely!" "They're all perpetual motion machines." "Or attempts to design perpetual motion machines." "What is a perpetual motion machine?" "Stephen." "Yes." "boy!" "There's more to it - there must be no input of energy." "No energy in but you should be able to get energy out." "Because it's moving." "And it transgresses what law?" "Thermodynamics." "The first and second laws of thermodynamics." "There's a Simpsons episode where Lisa builds a perpetual motion machine." "In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!" "but the point is they can never work." "Leonardo actually did drawings of attempted perpetual motion machines." "He realised..." "He's drawn a chocolate orange from the top." "yes!" "LAUGHTER" "How boring have you got to be to draw a diagram of how to take a chocolate orange apart?" "He invented a lot of things but I didn't know he invented that." "how many vain chimeras have you pursued?" "Go and take your place with the alchemists." "our universe is not made in such a way." "in theory." "Mr Bond. if you would." "Take a child and give them a really sugary drink." "What happens?" "I haven't got any kids." "I've no idea." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE mental." "right." "Is that it?" "it's odd." "Almost every mother watching this will disbelieve me when I say that medical evidence shows that sugary drinks do not cause hyperactivity." "it's shocking." "it does!" "It doesn't." "Maybe it's just any sort of fuel so if you gave them a drink of water or an apple... though the parents THINK they have sugar..." "It's the parents that change!" "The parents PERCEIVE it." "And the parents who perceive it are the ones who most hover over their children and are most critical of their children's behaviour anyway." "They're the ones who apparently notice it." "Was this research funded by Coca Cola?" "We trialled this question on the QI website and none of the mothers believed us." "my child goes nuts." "I don't believe it either but then I am very in touch with my feminine side." "don't they?" "they'll go up again." ""Oh..." "Uh..." "Oh..." "We're up!" "It seems to be quite hard work keeping an even keel through the day." "I think that's generally true." "We know you won't believe us but sugary drinks don't make children hyperactive." "That's why we call it general ignorance." "what happens if you leave teeth in a glass of cola overnight?" "They completely dissolve and disappear." "KLAXON WAILS it turns out they don't." "There was a famous occasion in 1951." "A doctor appeared before the House Of Representatives special committee." "He was called Clive McKay of Cornell University." "he said that a tooth left in a glass of Coke would begin to dissolve after two days." "it is of absolutely no relevance whatsoever because you don't soak your teeth in it." "Isn't that the one that cleans your money?" "I believe it does." "HP sauce." "That's really good at cleaning money." "It's the vinegar - that's what does it." "Is that it?" "!" "Yeah." "All that money I've been wasting on HP sauce...! You shouldn't drink Coke because it stains the inside of your stomach." "LAUGHTER isn't it(?" ") Yeah." "it's probably going to be a bit late to worry about what colour it is." "Andy." "I don't like to talk about a friend's death but at your post-mortem... terrible stained intestine..." "Coke-coloured tripe." "as...?" "Jam." "No." "potato crisps." "There is far more tooth decay caused by them." "No!" "they stay there and hang around." "Here's one you might actually believe." "Name an ape that walks just on two feet and isn't human." "Because we obviously walk on two feet rather than on our hands." "Only on two feet?" "it doesn't..." "Orang-utan?" "No." "KLAXON WAILS like this." "Is it a monkey with a tail?" "I seem to remember seeing..." "Phill!" "chimp." "Yes." "KLAXON WAILS in particular." "The funky gibbon especially." "Here are some gibbon." "like it's just nicked something." "It looked like he had the Mission Impossible music in his head." "isn't it?" "That's Russell Brand!" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Do they do that just to taunt the other apes?" "They probably do." ""Can you do this?" "I can." "the way we do and gibbons do." "that's weird." "Let's finish with an easy one." "I want you to sort these creatures and phenomena into age order." "Which is the oldest?" "Oldest to youngest." "I'd put A first." "The Himalayas." "that's why they're tall." "Tall mountains are young because they haven't been worn down..." "They are the youngest thing on the board." "They are the youngest of all." "They're ONLY 20 million years old." "A." "right. then the Himalayas." "our business." "Ants are contemporaneous with dinosaurs but cockroaches pre-date them by at least 55 million years and spiders are even older - 300 million years ago." "what did it catch?" "that's good." "the fly was first?" "the spider or the fly?" "A really good question." "Come on." "childish wisdom spills out. 65 million years ago." "And Mount Everest was only 25 million years." "it's 25 million years younger than the youngest dinosaur." "Hmm." "A whippersnapper." "That looks like the pictures from the worst spelling book ever." "LAUGHTER" "There's a "dockroach" in the corner and I saw a "binosaur"..." "LAUGHTER" "Alp!" "I get Alp!" "That's very good." "everybody." "The "Himal-ee-as" or "Himal-eye-as" or "Hima-lay-las"... as human beings say..." "LAUGHTER" "The Himalayas have only been around for 40 million years." "The last dinosaurs died out 25 million years before they were formed." "Spiders and cockroaches are even older than dinosaurs." "That's it." "Let's look at the scores." "would you believe?" "Hugh Dennis!" "APPLAUSE" "A good score." "Thank you very much. it's Andy Hamilton!" "Gosh!" "APPLAUSE" "That's never happened before! Phill Jupitus!" "APPLAUSE" "Ooh!" "Aw!" "Alan Davies!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you." "Alan and myself." "I'll leave you with the story of a couple who went to the Natural History Museum and they saw the big dinosaur skeleton and asked the attendant how old it was" "It's 65 million and 14 years and three months old." "That's amazing." "Is that carbon dating?" "How can you tell so precisely?" "they told me it was 65 million years old and I've been here 14 years and three months." "Thank you." "Goodnight." "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd" "E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk"