"Oh, there you are." "Mel..." "Melinda, open up, it's me!" "Hey, asshole, use the doorknocker!" "I love you." "Melinda!" "Are you alright?" "Oh God, Danny, it's him." "He followed us here." " I love you so much, baby." " There's someone else in there!" "Open this door!" "Melinda!" "Call the police." "Asshole, try the doorknob!" "Let me in!" "Take your hands off her!" "You!" "What?" "Jesus, you're screwing your husband!" " Your husband." " He followed me here and we... realized we deserve each other." "Isn't that romantic, Dr. Klink?" "Roger, call me Roger, for Christ's sake." "Maybe you should go home and working it out with your wife." "Go to hell, Roger." "Ex-wife, ex-home." "Okay?" "I understand now that I was transgressing my love for Dan... unto you, and you were counter-transgressing!" " Transferring!" "Bullshit!" "Any time a shrink is thinking about a patient... he should ask himself:" ""Am I counter-transferring? "." "Shut up." "You can't even get an erection." "I just had one, buddy." "Help!" "Help!" "He's bitting." "Dr. Paige, thank God you are here." "Three peas in a pot." "Emily, they were fornicating like honeymooners." "Dr. Paige, Melinda and I have worked through our problems." " Shut up, you!" " Dr. Paige!" "It's alright, it's okay, it has a bad trigger." "It's okay." "Put the gun down, Dr. Paige." " Shoot them, Emily." " This is all your fault, Roger." "Everything could've been so different." "Sorry, it's touchy." "Melinda, come back in here!" "Emily, I understand you're upset... you just have to let it out." "Just try and let it out." "Save your engaging devices, Roger." "No more bullshit." "No, I've come for all..." "Sorry, sorry." "Over here!" "Over here!" "Over here!" " Hurry, Dr. Paige has a gun." " Who is Dr. Paige?" "Our marriage counselor." "She's gonna kill my husband and Dr. Klink." "Your marriage counselor is gonna kill your husband?" "And Dr. Klink." "Dr. Paige, I want to thank you for giving Melinda and I... the tools to help communicate and share our fears." " Shut up!" " Emily, you're very upset... your feelings are spiraling out of control." "Save your psycho-babble for your patients, Roger." "Okay, you've some issues you need to work through." " No." "Thank God." " Get out of the way." "Mel, it's me, open up!" " Somebody help me!" " Don't worry, Danny!" " What do we got, sir?" " Hostage situation." "Two therapists." "Domestic or international?" " Therapists, shrinks." " Shrinks?" "It's a joke, right?" " Some kind of surprise party?" " It's not a party, is very serious." "A counselor is threatening to kill her husband and therapist." "He's not technically my therapist." " You're the lady from those sex tapes." " Sex tapes?" "What sex tapes?" "His hands were under my dress..." "firmly holding onto my hips." "Moving me back and forth away from him." "Okay, maybe I better start from the beginning." "About 2 years ago Danny lost his erection." "You gotta see these tapes." "Pretty soon, Danny and me weren't even talking and then, Danny slept with that waitress." " Thought he couldn't get an erection?" "So did I. Our marriage was doomed." "Then, I saw Dr. Paige's add on a bus bench." ""Save your marriage today, tomorrow will be too late"." "Her big deal is honesty." "Honesty first." "The key is honesty." "Marriage is hard, I know, I've been married three times." " You're divorced?" " Three times." " I speak from experience..." " Is that a marriage counselor?" " Dan!" " Dan, what?" "We're taking advice from somebody that's been divorced... and advertises on bus benches." "Stay with us, Dan." "You know the story about the guy who goes to the barbershop?" "There are two barbers, both available." "One barber has a terrific haircut... the other barber's hair looks just awful." "Which barber would you go to?" "You go to the barber with the bad haircut." "Not the barber with the good haircut, see?" "The bad haircut cuts the other one's hair and vice versa." "That is why it is actually a plus that I'm thrice divorced." "Okay." "Let's start over." " What do you want out of this therapy?" " We..." "I want to save your marriage." " Yeah, me too, yeah." " Right." "Talking about our problems is the first step." "You can tell me anything." "And hopefully you two can learn to communicate honestly." "What's the problem?" "Well..." "Danny and me... we haven't been... familiar with each other in a while." " Familiar?" " Intimate." " No sexual intercourse?" " Jesus, lady." "What about oral sex or mutual masturbation?" "Let's go, we don't need to see some shrink." "No, I think we do, Dan." " He has a problem with..." " Don't!" "Come on, why?" ""Mr. Happy"." " "Mr. Happy"?" " His penis." "You said it." "I can't get my penis to stand up." "I'm impotent or something." "I can't wake the baby." "I..." "I can't get a hard on." "Is everybody happy now?" "We can go?" " Dan is impotent." " Only with me." " That was an accident." " He accidentally screwed that waitress." " I thought he couldn't get an erection." " So did I." " She's been so depressed." "It's pretty depressing when you can't excite your own husband." "Great, we've made some real progress." "All those who are in favor raise your hands." "Dr. Paige, you may rejoin the group." "Dr. Paige, it is the duty of this committee... to defend the integrity of the Psychiatric arts... in the Boise area." "Dr. Paige... if we allow bus-bench advertising, what's next?" "Billboards?" "Cable TV?" "Following our laws pertaining to advertising... the fine is set in US$ 250." "Roger!" "Hello, Emily." "Sorry about the fine." "It's only 250 bucks." "I'll write it off." "Besides, I already got some clients from the bus bench." "I was thinking about you the other day." " Me?" "Really?" " Are you seeing anyone new?" " I'm still married." " I meant patients." "There's a woman I'd like you to see." "She's very depressed." "Her depression is at the root of her sexual problems with her husband." " You could really help her." " I'm not really adding patients." "You talked about how great it'd be to collaborate." "The couple is perfect." "Marriage is on the rocks." "I'll take the boy... you'll take the girl, we can confer and strategize." "And together help them save their marriage." "How is your wife?" "Okay." "And your husband?" "The new one?" "He's my new ex." "I moved out last weekend." "Really?" "Just like that?" "Just like that." "It's for the best." "So, what do you say?" "There's nothing else to say." "Dan's gone off me." "This is a waste of time." "Okay, I feel like we're stuck." "Melinda, I want you to see a colleague." " Are you giving up on me?" " I want you to see Dr. Klink... he's a depression expert." " From the old school." " What's a depression expert?" "What a cliché!" "First the affair in Denver, then the red Corvette." "What's next?" "Face lifts and liposuction?" "Desire fades." "Who is she?" "Is it your new receptionist?" "You think I need a liposuction?" "You're not rehashing Denver, are you?" "Are you?" " Are you screwing Dr. Rice again?" " No, there's no one." "We are not happy." "Go to hell, Roger." "Asshole." "The door, please." "Unsafe at any speed." " The elevator?" " No, your Corvette." "Unsafe at any speed." "That's a Corvair." "Unsafe at any speed." "It looks just like a Corvette." " Funky elevator." " I try not to speak, I got stuck once." " By yourself?" " Yeah." "How boring." "Is that why you carry a change of clothes?" "Oh, this?" "No." "I left my wife, just now, this morning." "You're kidding." " Is this your floor?" " Yes." "I'm here to see Dr. Klick." "He's an old fashion depression expert." "You mean Dr. Klink?" " Yes." " I'm Dr. Klink." "You are Dr. Klink?" "You're kidding?" "I pictured a bald-head, long-face pointy beard." "Who called me old fashioned?" "Doctor Paige." "You mean Emily?" "Well..." "Anyway, I'll see you inside." "Inside and out, I suppose." "Inside..." "In my office." "This is my door." "Patients go in that door down there." "Wait." "Your tie is crooked." "I guess your wife didn't check you before you left the house." "Just... go right in." "Tuesday..." "Goddamn it." "Dr. Klink?" "Your 9:45 is here." "Test: one, two, one two." "Test: one, two, three." "Shit." "Sorry." " It's very cold in here." " Really?" " You'll need to remember a sweater." " No, no, I meant the decor." "It's so blue." "Alrighty." "Mrs. Carmichael, would you like to sit here?" " Is that where you want me to sit?" " I don't want you to sit... anywhere." "I see." "What happened to that friendly man I met on the elevator?" "Look, we had an inappropriate introduction, but..." " Is that what we had?" " Yes." "Please." "So?" " Why are you here?" " I'm trying to save my marriage." "I've been so depressed lately, I think it'll pass, but it doesn't." "You're a little hanged up one morning... then suddenly you're on a shrink's lab..." "Chair." "Well, you don't seem very depressed right this moment." "I'm not." "I was." "I almost didn't get off the elevator." "It's pretty depressing to think you need to see a depression expert." "My marriage expert's been divorced three times." " You must be really depressed." " Let's..." "Why don't you...?" "Tell me more about you." "I'm married to a man who doesn't get turned on by me." " Do you blame me?" " Why would I blame you?" "Not me, him." "I asked if you blamed your husband." " No, you said "me"." " Well, I meant your husband, of course." " Of course." "Dan started sleeping in the living room on the couch... that's the beginning of the end, don't you think?" "It certainly suggests a lack of intimacy." "We stopped being intimate almost two years ago." " I shouldn't tell you this." " No." " Dr. Klink." " No, no, please, sit." "I..." "You can tell me anything." "Really." "Continue." "One night, I get up to use the bathroom... and I looked in on Dan." "He sleeps in his boxers, and it was a hot night... the covers were off, so I could see his "Mr. Happy"." " "Mr. Happy"?" " His thingy." " His pe... member." " Peeking out." "So I decided to try a little experiment to see if Dan was broken or if he'd just gone off me." "An experiment?" "I snuck up on my knees... and with my mouth I... kissed "Mr. Happy"." "But when I tried to make love, he... his..." "It fizzled away when he woke up and realized it was me." " Dan's gone off me." " Desire fades." "That... that is a depressing thought." "Yes." "It..." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm in a transitional phase in my life." "I'm not taking on any more patients." " But you've helped me already." " Really, I can't." "If there are two shrinks in a small town... and one was crazy and the other sane which one would you go to see?" " I've never heard this..." " You'd go to the crazy one... 'cause if there were only two in the town... you'd wanna see the one who'd helped the other one." "You mean, there if there were just two...?" "I see." " Dr. Klink, your 10:30 is here." " Do you hear that?" "I mean, I would love... to just sit here and talk with you... all afternoon... but if I run even 5 minutes over on one session... my whole week could be thrown off." "Hell, the rest of my life." "I'd gladly recommend to you someone else." "This is a list of qualified mental health professional's in Boise." "Melinda!" "Dr. Klink, what are you doing?" " I'm chasing after you." " What about your 10:30?" "No, I just..." "I've left my wife... and, since you are not my patient and since this... this isn't my office." "It's stuck again." " Dr. Klink." " Yeah." "Roger." "This is so therapeutic." "No, you should not call me Dr. Klink." "We could give the wrong impression." "But I feel so free and open." "I wish Dan had come with me maybe he could benefit from your expertise." " I don't feel depressed at all!" " Don't talk." "Are you folks okay?" "You seem out of breath." " See you next week, Dr. Klink." " Roger." "I'm not actually her doctor, it's... a figure of speech." "He is a genius." "His method is so subtle." "It sneaked right up on me." " What did he do exactly?" " He got me to talk." " Sort of." " How many sessions have you had?" "Just one." "What a man." "He is a genius." "Hey, what about my needs?" "Am I part of this therapy stuff or what?" "Alright." " "Mastering Masturbation"?" " It's a wonderful guide." "Techniques, fantasy games, lubricants, all in historical context." "Did you know that Edison was an avid masturbator?" "It's where he got his best ideas." "Edison stole his best ideas." "Whatever, maybe it was Einstein." "You look fabulous." "Possible disrotation subject." "Orgasms and happiness." "Why is it all the world seems rosy?" "It's Dr. Paige, regarding Melinda." " I'll call her back." " She's on her way in." "Son of a bitch, I cannot believe what you did with Melinda." " She told you?" " Told me?" "It's all over her face." "I never took any money." "And all I did was a preliminary interview..." "It's absolutely wonderful." " Really?" " The big challenge is to get... these people to reconnect emotionally and sexually." " Can I buy you lunch?" " Today?" "I'm seeing Mrs. Carmichael." "During lunch time?" " Oh, Dr. Klink." " Roger, Roger." "Call me Roger." "Oh, Dr. Klink." "Look, a helicopter." "Maybe it was a transplant." "What?" "The helicopter... was carrying a little ice chest... with a red cross on it." "Imagine waking up with a whole new heart, Dr. Klink." "Please, call me Roger." "Oh, Danny and me used to have so much in common." "Everything we did together was making love." "Not just sex but cooking together... and we took a trip to Salt Lake City." "And he was like my big brother and my friend and my lover, all..." " We have to talk..." "I just..." "I've got patients all afternoon." "I'm just trying to tell you that I felt so good... since last week session that I told Danny about us." " What?" " Yes." "You told your husband about us?" "Oh, my God!" "It was amazing, spontaneous, like we used to be." " What did I do to deserve this?" " You screwed that cocktail waitress." "But it wasn't spontaneous, or amazing." "You shouldn't have told him." " You talked about honesty." " No." "Dr. Paige talks about honesty." "I'm still on the fence, some lying is good." "You didn't give details." "Wow, elevator sex." "Damn, I've always admired Melinda's spunk." " Larry." " Now you're even, bro." " How did he take it?" " He followed me here." "He what?" "Very nice, he's what?" "Look!" "Melinda, I..." "It's over." "You and me." "Dan needs you, he loves you." "He followed you here." "Isn't that romantic?" "Listen... take what you've gotten out of our time together focus it back on Dan." "Are you saying that as my lover or my therapist?" "Therapist." "I mean, if I was your therapist, which I'm not." "We have nothing in common." "This isn't a relationship... based on mutual respect or understanding... it's based on sex, that's all." "Take it." "My God, we come from different worlds." "I've got a Ph.D., you'd barely graduated from high school." "I have an AA from Boise Community College... and a certificate on physical therapy." "Exactly." "The two of you are more suited." "You're perfect." "Go home to..." "What's his...?" "Dan!" "Divorced?" "But you two were doing much better." "I wish you'd never sent me to see Dr. Klink." " Therapy can be very intense." " Especially oral therapy." " Dan, don't be crass." " Crass?" " You had to have sex in an elevator." " What?" "Who did?" "Dr. Klink and me." "You slept with Dr. Klink in an elevator?" "Like a couple of dogs in heat they slept." "You're disgusting." "I didn't have to bend over backwards to get him aroused." "I thought that's what you did do." "Bastard, I wanted this to work out." " Was the elevator your idea or his?" " Does it matter?" "You son of a bitch." "In the elevator." "In the elevator." "Emily, it just happened." "She wasn't technically my patient." "Save it for the board!" " You didn't tell the board?" " Of course I told the board." "This is outrageous." " Kindly keep your voice down." " The amount is regulated by... the bar laws." "Specifically, number 47 calls... for fines of up to US$25 for inappropriate behavior." "Inappropriate behavior?" "He was having sex with his patient in an elevator." "She wasn't technically his patient." "The minute she walks into his office she was his patient." "No, technically she was your patient." " My patient?" " I think the fine is fair." "I was fined 250 bucks for advertising on a bus bench... he's fined 25 dollars for screwing in an elevator." "Law 17 is very specific to permissible outdoor advertising." "A hooker costs more than that." " Dr. Paige, that's enough." " It's more than enough." "Who should I make the check out to?" "All you had to do is call me, why didn't you?" " I'm sorry, Emily." " You will be." "I really am sorry, Emily." "This is over." "You're not off the hook, you will lose everything... money, your license, by the time this is over... you will never practice again." " What are you gonna do?" " NOSTA." "NOSTA?" " What the heck is a NOSTA?" " N-O-S-T-A." "The National Organization to Stop Therapist Abuse." "National?" "I don't know." "I really just want Danny back." "We need to teach him a lesson." " Danny?" " Hi, Mel." "Okay, let me do all the talking." "What law school you said you went to?" "Careful, you sent my vulnerable sister-in-law into the arms of that Dr. Krink." " It's Klink, Larry, and shut up." "You should've talked to me before you called them." "We're gonna nail that son of a bitch." "There she is." "Consuelo N. Barker Barker  Barker... who represent NOSTA." "I'm the second Barker;" "Connie." " You must be the victim." " Lawrence P. Carmichael, ABD." "I'll be handling all negotiations." "Let me remind you, you're the first group we've contacted... so we're looking for a competitive figure which... will act as a detour to other groups we may be inclined to go... to." "ABD?" " All But Degree." "My client..." " Take a powder, Lawrence... this is a serious situation." "You're way out of your league." " Take your pet monkey with you." " Just a second." "That's my husband." "I need to speak to you privately." "It's precisely this cases that we must win." "We need to send out a message, a strong message." "We'll prove that he took advantage of your fragile ego... and lured you into "psycho sexual emotional bondage"." " Psycho what?" " He's a master manipulator." " It's that quiet lost puppy quality." " I felt an attraction for Dr. Klink." "Transference." "There's strong feelings that the patient, you... erroneously transfers to a therapist, Dr. Klink... but which in fact originated out of earlier relationships." "Like with my husband, maybe." "Perhaps an even earlier relationship." "Where did this immoral congress transpired?" " Immoral congress?" " In an elevator." " Elevator sex?" " And in his office." " And on his couch." " And on the desk." "Why did you go to Dr. Klink?" "She sent me to him, said he'd take care of me in the old fashioned way." "He's a specialist, a depression expert." "We met at a communication conference..." " We'll get it all in a deposition." " My deposition?" "You're a key witness." "Okay, let's skip the elevator for now." " Take me through this couch copula." " Well, it's a little embarrassing." "We started on the desk." "Have you ever heard the name Ezri Stovall?" "He's the malpractice insurance go to guy in this region." "He rarely loses, he never settles." "He will be ruthless." "Now I know this is difficult but it's important that you recall... the exact details and specific sequence of events." "Well, it's a little hazy." "But I know he..." "Dr. Klink went down on me." "Cunnilingus?" " Are you okay?" " What else did he do?" " I went down on him." " Fellatio?" "We don't wanna play this oral sex card." "It's illegal in this state." " It is?" " It's sodomy." "Oral sex is sodomy?" "To carnally know any male or female person by the anus or mouth." " It's a misdemeanor." " I don't wanna hurt Dr. Klink." "I just wanted to save my marriage." "Dr. Klink made me realize how much Danny and me have in common." "We'll crush Dr. Klink." "Look at you." "My God, just look at you." "Dr. Paige is right." "You're a poor pathetic woman." "He's destroyed you." "Nice shot." " Mind if I sit?" " It's a free bar." "That lawyer thinks a divorce would be great for our case." "I don't want to divorce, Mel." " No?" " No." "I just want you to stop seeing him." "I'm not seeing him." "So, you don't want to split up?" "No!" "Not at all, we can't split up." "You and I... we are like a team." "Sigfrid and Roy, Hall and Oates... ham and cheese." "I'm sorry I strayed, but you kind of opened the door." " I wanted to talk." "The truth..." " Let's not talk about it." "Water down the drain, Dan." "Water down the drain." "How's that divorce coming?" "Please, counsel, let's not lose sight of the human element." "A divorce would really help our case." "I'm on it." "Joel Johnson Jr." "He's with Beerquist, Angsthall  Cox." "Joel is our point man here in..." " Boise." " Boise." "Joel's come up with a figure." "How much money were you hoping to see?" "US$30 thousand?" "Million." "It's US$30 million." " US$30 million?" " US$30 million?" "You've hit the jackpot, Melinda." " Dr. Klink doesn't have US$ 30 million." " He has a malpractice insurance and they've got U$30 million." " God!" "I had no idea it would be so much." "There's not a better person she could've screwed." "Except a priest." "Catholics would pay a lot of money to keep this crap down." "I'm gonna get 30 million dollars for having sex with him?" " In an elevator." " And on his desk." " US$30 million." " Minus 30% contingency." "50% if we went on appeal." "How much more do you think a divorce might add?" "Why the hell are you suing me?" "Because... you took advantage of my fragile ego... and got me in a psycho emotional sexual thing." " What?" " Take a walk, or I'll call the cops." "If it isn't the erection wonder "Mr. Happy"." " You told him about "Mr. Happy"?" " I told you that in therapy." "First of all: it's Roger." "Secondly: it wasn't therapy, you were never my patient." "Tell that to the judge, "Mr. Majestic"." " You told him about "Mr. Majestic"?" " He's my husband, I tell him everything." " Are you screwing yet?" " There's more than sex." "There better be with Mr. Limpy here." " Son of a bitch!" " Danny!" "Come on." "I hope you fight better." "Let go." "Come on, Klink, come on." " Why'd you tell him about Mr. Happy?" " It's okay, he's a doctor." "Don't sue me, Melinda." "I'll lose my license, it's all I have." "I'm sorry." "Good-bye, Dr. Klink." "Roger, call me Roger." "Ezri Stovall will crush her like a bug." "We've got to stop this kind of frivolous litigation." "People have to start taking responsibility for their actions." "Why'd you stop sleeping together?" "Makes it seem like you were doing something wrong." "Is a taboo, a therapist can never have sex with a patient." "The moment you two screwed... she became your lover, thereby, making it impossible... for her to ever be your patient." " Where did you bone her?" " We made love in an elevator." "Elevator sex?" "You're kidding me." " I'm in elevators all the time." " I know, I'm sorry." " How long would that take?" " It was over pretty quick." " Mechanical failure?" " No, she hit the stop." "Or maybe I did." "Is this really important?" "Every detail is important." "Do you need booze?" "Juries are fickle." "Something could come out of the trial and you'd be screwed." "Any witnesses?" " Other passengers?" " Of course not." " How about a surveillance camera?" " Oh, Jesus." "There may not be one if the building is old." " Please, God." " Okay." "So, you boned her." "Did you ejaculate?" " Is there anyway not to?" " Not that I've found." "Did she mention any other therapists she'd slept with?" "Other members of the Hippocratic arts?" "Orthodontists, podiatrists, clergy?" " I don't know." "I don't think so." " What about you?" "How many other non-patient patients have you banged?" " None." " Your receptionist?" "Tiffany?" "No!" "Well, let Ezri Stovall get to work." "Clammy." "Don't answer, baby." " Helen, Ezri." " Hi, what's up?" "I've got something for you." "Are you free?" "Available, never free." "Never give it away, baby." "Is that son of a bitch Stovall?" "She's spoken for!" "This is business." "I'm defending a head-shrinker who put his pecker where he shouldn't have." " And she's suing him." " Bingo." " Don't get it, baby." " Hold on." " You haven't worked in a month." " I can't, I'm gonna..." " Is Felix Potter in?" " He sure is." "Goddamn!" "Felix Potter?" "Connie Barker of Chicago, Joel Johnson gave me your number." "I'm looking for a private investigator..." "I'm representing a victim in a therapist abuse case." "What do you want?" "I need you to find out if there's anything bad in his past." "We're just starting depositions." " What's the matter?" " What's the matter?" " Nothing, radio." " Nothing, TV." " His name's Roger Klink." " Melinda Carmichael." " Roger Klink." " Dr. Klink?" " What's her name?" " Melinda Carmichael." "You'll get your usual fee." "Felix, I need some dirt on Dr. Klink." "Fax me everything you've got, Ezri." "I gotta go." "Bye." "Interested. 50 bucks an hour plus expenses." "Fax me at this number..." "Fax..." "We're working in the same job again." "You show me yours, I'll show you mine." "Have you ever had your deposition taken before?" "Do you understand, that your testimony here today... is giving under oath just like in court?" "So, despite the informal setting... you're testifying under penalty of perjury." "I'm sorry, the tape jammed." "I need a minute." "It's his first day." "Is he gonna be here everyday?" "That's right." "Got it." "Now, Mrs. Carmichael... were you carnally intimate with Roger Klink?" " Carnally intimate?" " Sexually intimate." "I guess so." "I mean... we had sex." "Would you please describe in specific detail... the first of these decorous unions with Roger Klink?" "Indecorous unions." "Consenting adults engaging fornication." "What could be more decorous, counselor?" "How about if for the purposes of this deposition... we let the noun stand alone, unqualified?" ""Union", plane and simple." "Fine." "Mrs. Carmichael, would you please walk me through this initial union?" " What?" "Describe your first encounter with Dr. Klink." "Roger..." "Klink." " He is a doctor, counsel." " Yes, counsel." "But not her doctor." "How about if for the purposes of this deposition... we let the Klink stand alone, unqualified?" "Fine." "Mrs. Carmichael, when you are ready." "Well, we had... sex in the elevator of his building, between floors." "And would you describe this union as standard?" " Where are you getting at?" " I'm trying to establish... the mode by which they currently express themselves." "The way in which they were currently expressive?" "Precisely." "Missionary, front door, back door, roundly-round?" "Were you prostrated?" "Plumbed?" "Any other?" "Well, he stopped the elevator... and we just kind of moved at each other." "Did he stop the elevator, or did you?" "One of us did, it's a little hazy." "Okay, but you made the first move." "You're leading the plaintive, counsel." "We both moved at the same time." "Grabbed at each other..." "He was very excited." "Klink told you he was excited?" "No, but I could feel his... well, his..." ""Mr. Happy" was pressing up against me." ""Mr. Happy"?" "That's what my husband calls his..." " Johnson." " Yes, counsel." "Not you." "I'm referring to Melinda's husband's Johnson." "Klink's Johnson..." "Klink's penis." "Could we stay focused on Klink's penis and not the husband's." "Mrs. Carmichael... perhaps there's another term we could use to describe..." "Roger Klink's penis." ""Mr. Majestic", that's what he calls it." "Why didn't you tell me your pecker has a name?" "And that she knows it." "I didn't think it'd come up." "I had an affair three years ago." "I mean, with a doctor in Denver." "If I hadn't have that affair I would've never bought the Corvette or left my wife." " Are you still seeing him?" " Him?" "It was a her." "She-doctor." " Alright." "It doesn't have any bearing on this case." "It better not." "Back on the record, please." "Okay, so you could feel "Dr. Majestic"." "I think it's "Mr. Majestic", counsel." "Right." "You could feel "Mr. Majestic" pressing up against you." "What happened next?" "We started kissing and grabbing... and he was bumping himself up against me... kissing my neck and... he slid his hands under my blouse... and was caressing my breast in circles." "Tiny little circles." "And one thing led to another... and I just... took "Mr. Majestic"... in my mouth." "You son of a bitch!" " Dr. Paige!" " Danny!" " Stop it." " You son of a bitch!" "How dare you?" "How dare you?" "Are you okay?" "I'm alright." "I'm alright." "Out, out!" "I'm sorry." "Stop it!" "lmmature peckerwoods!" "Oh, hilarity!" "She kissed his pipi." "Grow up!" "This is serious goddamned business!" "Seditious, yes." "Scandalous, of course." "Titillating, possibly... but my client's career hangs on..." "Miss Barker's client's most intimate testimonial." "Get out and stay out until it's time of your depositions!" "Mine?" "Why would I need to do one?" "You're the flaccid bastard that started this whole mess." " Now beat it!" " He is..." " Ditto!" "Or I'll scream!" " I'm going." "Beautifully expressed, counsel." " That shit's hot." " Shut up, Larry!" "You're not looking at the big picture." "The three, zero, zero zero, zero, zero zero, zero dollar..." "Enough!" "Give it a rest, Larry, okay?" "This is all your fault!" "My fault?" "You're the one that sent my wife to that sex feaster." " I'll catch you later, bro." "I..." "I forgot something." "If you'd been able to deliver the goods she wouldn't be so damn horny that she threw herself to him." " Fuck you, Dr. Paige." " Fuck me?" "How are you gonna do that, with Dr. Klink's help?" "No." "We came to you because we wanted to save our marriage." "You're professionals and you don't know anything." "You wanna know why you can't get an erection with Melinda?" " Why?" " No protection, no erection." "No diaphragm, "Mr. Happy" gets sad." "Wife wants children, husband doesn't." "Wife forces the issue." "It is a classic Venus and Mars dynamic." "Generally, we like patients to come to certain conclusion on their own." "But what the hell, there it is, free of charge." " I'm not ready to be a father." " And what does Melinda say?" "We don't ever talk about it, what is there to say?" "Isn't that what marriage is?" "Knowing without saying?" "That's fantasyland, Dan." "All relationships are killed by dishonesty... repressed feelings, things left unsaid." "Honesty first." "No protection, no erection." "You are good." "I'm the best." "No protection, no erection." "Back on the record, please." "I'm trying to picture this." "You were kneeling?" "No, I was standing up bend over... with him in my mouth." "So, he was a passive participant." "No, his hand was under my skirt... and he started to touch me, rub my..." ""Mrs. Happy"?" "Yes, and let's see... with his other hand he was still touching my breast... very gently... slowly tracing tiny circles around my nipple." "Around and around." "Around and around." "And up and down on "Mrs. Happy"." "Up and down." "And around, and around." "Off the record a second." "Counsel, excuse me." "Would you object to attend a recess?" "Quite the contrary, counsel." "I'm just trying to tell the truth." "It sounds like you've had wonderful sex with a terrific lover." "We're trying to sue him, remember?" "We're not writing an erotic novel." "Circles, though, sound great." "How did you come up with that circle business?" " Circle business?" " Around the nipple." "Around and around... up and down." "Around and around, and up and down." "Excuse me." "Nice camera work." " Here." " I thought they kicked you out." " Lawrence Carmichael." " Esquire." "Attorney." " You're a lawyer?" " ABD." "How would you kids like to earn... a little extra scratch on the side?" "Scratch?" "Time sort of stood still." "I remember becoming aware of pounding and people's voices." "Then, the phone started to ring." "That's when he... put his..." ""Mr. Majestic"." "into my..." ""Mrs. Happy"." "...and there was this pounding and shouting... and ringing and we got into this amazing rhythm... and it was all over in about a minute." "Minute and a half." " Did Klink arrive at a mission?" " Yes." "I wasn't using any protection... so at the last minute we pulled apart and I finished him with my hand." " You did?" " Yes." "And the other time too." "Really?" "Off the record, for a second." "Is it hot in here, counsel?" "It's almost eleven." "I'd like to break early for lunch." "This is the first day." "Given the exhaustive nature of today's testimony perhaps a discontinuation..." " Is counsel requesting a recess?" "What would counsel's inclination be to that request?" "Request granted." "Does counsel have plans for lunch?" "Counsel's going back to the hotel for a cold shower." "Howdy, Ezri." " Howdy, partner." " How are you?" "You've got a great memory for details." "It's like being there, everything comes floating out." "Melinda, why are you suing me?" "This is so humiliating for both of us and if it goes to trial... everyone in Boise will find out about it." "I think I'm gonna drop the sue, I don't wanna go any further with it." "What?" "Really?" "No." "You should get..." "something." "Do you love me, Dr. Klink?" "Do I love you?" "Yes, do you love me?" "I could love you." "Good." " Thanks, Ezri," " Get that looked at." "What is it with you and elevators?" " Take the goddamned stairs." " I wanted to talk to you." "Maybe..." "I was thinking..." "I really want to settle out of court." "Let me set you straight." "First:" "Ezri Stovall has never settled." " But..." " He either wins... or goes down kicking and biting." "Two, two." "Ezri Stovall makes the recommendation to the insurance... company to go to court, to settle, etceteras." "If you don't hear his advice... you'll be settling on your own without the insurance company." "I have malpractice insurance." "Fine print, elevator boy... your policy guarantees you a defense... it doesn't say it'll pay out if you lose... or if it finds that you have acted criminally." " Criminally?" " Or either unethically." " She wasn't even my patient." " Or, if you decide to, and I quote..." ""lf you decide to act against insurance appointed counsel"." "You mean if I settle I pay?" "Yep." "Hey, Mel." "I got you some Arby's." "Thanks." "I've been thinking, Mel, I know what our problem was." "Me too." "You cheated with that waitress." "I didn't." "I was gonna, but I didn't." "You lied to me about sleeping with her?" " You and I weren't..." " You couldn't..." "I couldn't because you wanted a baby." "Dr. Paige spelled it out for me." "No protection, no erection." "I wasn't ready yet." "But if you want a baby, we'll have one." "Especially with the money we're getting." "I don't want to make a baby." "Not yet." " Yeah, you do." " I don't." "Dr. Paige said it was classic... the way you lost your diaphragm." "She's wrong." "I didn't use it, because you wanted me pregnant." "I wanted you pregnant?" "No, you..." "Wait, you wanted to get pregnant." "No way, I'm not ready to have a baby." "You're not?" "That means we're both not ready." "Do you understand?" "This is awesome." "I thought that if I mentioned it, you'd divorce me." "Really?" "Me, too." "My God." "Honesty first." "I feel like a wimp." "Dr. Paige is a genius." " I love you, Mel." " I love you, Danny." "I've missed you holding me, my hand and touching my back." " This is what I wanted." " Me, too." "We could do this everyday, all day, whenever we want." "With that money, we could do whatever we want." "You should the things Larry has lined up." "The telemarketing, the opportunities... real-state, there's fun stuff, too." " Jai-Alay, boxing." " What's Larry have to do?" "He works for us." "He quit his job." " Larry's never had a job." " He has one now... he works for us." "He's gonna get 10% ." "This isn't a jackpot, Dan." "This is our life." "I was stupid before." "Say whatever you have to say." "I don't even care." "Where are you going?" "I want out." "I want all to go away the doctors, the lawyers and you." " Me?" "What did I do?" "I don't like you, Danny, you're a big bad devil." "What?" "What did I do?" " You wanna drop the lawsuit?" " Yes, it's not worth it." " I never liked this to begin with." " This one looked better on paper." "Fine." "Fine, just write us a check for all of our legal fees." "Fine, how much would that be?" "Let's see." "We have Miss Barker's fees." "Plus expenses times ten days." "Plus first class air fare." "And her support staff in Chicago." "There's me and my staff here in Boise." "Plus one private detective at 50 dollars an hour." "Plus Xeroxing, postage, various office expenses... comes just under US$75 thousand." " US$ 75 thousand?" " Just under." "I don't have that kind of money." "I guess we'll stay in the course." "Never forget you're the victim here." "Tiff...?" "Who are you?" "Where's Tiffany?" "Helen Dallwore Private Investigator." "Your receptionist let me in." "I don't know who you work for..." "I work for you, asshole." "Ezri Stovall hired me." " Is Dr. Rice in this picture?" " Come again?" "That's what she said." "Ezri said you banged some shrink at a conference." "Dr. Rice." "Are you still in contact with her?" "No, Dr. Rice is no longer in the picture." "Could you please not touch mine or Tiffany's things?" "Did Mrs. Carmichael mention any other affairs?" "Other doctors she screwed:" "dentists, podiatrists, clergy?" "Clergy?" "No." "I told Mr. Stovall everything... and anything she told me is confidential." "Right, don't wanna abuse that doctor-patient relationship." "I must insist that you leave." "Don't get lippy with me, Doc, I didn't screw my patient." "She'll..." "In an elevator?" "Are you kidding me?" "We aren't talking about Roger, right?" "Good all "Mr. By the Book"." "When I met him, he was a 23 year old virgin... and the morning after we had sex for the first time..." "I got a call out of the blue from an ex-boyfriend who proposes to me." " Well?" " Roger, in a fit of jealousy... jumps up and says:" ""I will marry you"." "Years later, I found out what he meant: "Could"." "Not want." "So, you got married on a grammatical error?" "All I know is... we were never very happy." "Has he had many affairs, your husband?" "Well, there was that OTOPI conference in Denver a couple of years ago." "OTOPI?" "That's analogous, right?" " What?" " OTOPI." "The Organization of Therapists Analysts, bla-bla-bla." " Right." " I shouldn't be telling you this." " I've had too many of these." " Darling... you can tell me anything." "Well, he comes back from Denver and he's a changed man." "All of a sudden he is "Mr. Oral Sex"." "Up until then Roger had very rarely..." ""cunnilingued" me." "You say: "cunnilingued"?" "Well, I don't know what's the verb for cunnilingus." " "Cunnilingueated"?" " Stop it." ""Cunnilingual"?" "That verb?" "I don't know, but I like it." "He comes back from Denver and suddenly he's an expert." "Oh, yes." "He's slow, he's sensual... he's circular..." "Am I boring you?" "Not a bit." "Salty." "And he started doing this circle thing, you know... with his hands on my breast." " Like that." " Really?" "I let... the whole thing drop." "And then... five or six months later he got a card in the mail from a Dr. Rice." " Looked like an invitation." " Who is Dr. Rice?" "Exactly what I said." "You know, very nicely." "And Roger got very flustered." "And said something about been addressed to the wrong Dr. Klink." "Dr. Rice is a boy doctor or a girl doctor?" "A girl doctor." "Are you sure?" "Who else but a girl could've taught him all those things?" "Thank you for your help." "We are separated, you know?" " Do you live alone?" " I have a room mate." "But listen, here's my card... and if you think of anything else, why don't you call me?" " Day or night." " Thank you." "Ma'am." "I'll see you." "What's going on?" " Good morning, counsel." " Hi, counsel." "How's it hanging?" "You better put that animal in a cage or I'll have to get a restraining order." "Your client is violating rules regarding behavior." "I'll squeeze in with you." "Let's take the stairs." "I get an erection just thinking about elevators." "We were by the door, standing up, he was hugging me... moving his hands over my dress and then under my dress." "I wasn't wearing any underwear." "Baby!" "Hey, Dan, over here." " Larry." "You've seen Melinda?" " Haven't seen her, bro." "You think this money is going to her head, do you?" "I don't think so." "In fact, I don't think she's a 100% into the whole thing." "We were talking last..." "This is...?" "Larry, this is Melinda naked." "I took her head off last year's Christmas card... downloaded the body off the net, the rest is the magic of PhotoShop." " But, goddamn, Larry, she's still naked." " It's not her body." "With sexy artwork on the video box I can get double per unit." "What are you talking about?" "I put my hands in his pants..." " Oh, my God, Larry." " That's my little surprise." " Melinda is hot, bro." " Are those...?" "Would you look at this crowd?" "We can sell deposition tapes to every bar in town." "I've got a buddy working on the web site." "Larry, I'm trying to get back with her." " Have you seen your brother?" " Speaking of the devil..." "Hey, Melinda!" " What's this?" " Don't worry." "It's not your body." "Turn it off, I think the game is on." "With his other hand he was very..." "That's me on TV." "...around and around and around." "And up and down on..." ""Mrs. Happy"!" "Turn it off!" "Turn it off!" "Danny?" "Oh, Mel." " Oh, shit." " How could you?" " I didn't, I swear." " How could you?" "I didn't, Mel, I swear." "I swear to God I didn't, Mel." "That's my wife!" "Could we please turn it off?" "Hey, everybody, it's "Mr. Happy"!" "Hey, Buddy." "Get down!" "Let me go!" "You're kidding." "That's not so bad." "When?" "Good idea." "Time is the essence." "Get hold of Dr. Paige in the morning." "No, I'll convey the message to Mr. Stovall." " What's up?" " Good news for our team." "The Carmichaels are splitting up for good." "Melinda's at some motel by the highway..." "She is very upset." "I'd like to give her a day's rest." "Johnson thinks we should move on to Paige's deposition." "I'm not sure I'm prepared for Dr. Paige." "Ezri, it would mean an awful lot to me." "Max, do you ever think about the other rube?" "The one you didn't want?" "The one you stood up?" "You were afraid to walk down, afraid to let down your hair and run." "I'm not looking for an answer just a little... anonymous companionship." "Here, Doc, compliments of the ladies at the end of the bar." "It's the Corvette, Max, the women love it." "To "Dr. Majestic"." " "Dr. Majestic"." " Who told you that?" "That's confidential." "Doc..." "Attorney..." "Doc, you forgot your picture." " Is Felix in?" " He's in the shower." "Oh, you are the room mate." "He said he had a room mate." " Did he?" "And you must be?" " I'm Jennifer." " I'm the almost ex Mrs. Dr. Klink." " Right." " And you're here because...?" " Well..." "I have a very valuable piece of evidence to help screw... my future ex-husband." "And..." "I'd really like to give it to Felix." "We're not just room mates, we're partners." "Okay, so what happened is I got a call from Max... the bartender down at the lounge." "He didn't know Roger and I split, so he called the house, and..." "look what my husband left behind in the bar." "I've seen this picture before." "What's the big deal?" "That's Dr. Rice next to my husband..." "Ex-husband!" " Look at their hands." " That's Dr. Rice?" ""To a great orator, love, E.R."." "Dr. Rice taught Roger... the "cunnilingual" arts, as Felix put it." "Is that how he put it?" "Does Felix take long showers?" "We are lovers, not just partners." "Yes, okay." "Well, I never would have..." "Look at me." "A lot of fringe." "Well..." "He called you his room mate, just so you know that." " Sorry." " That's okay, that's okay." "This is an Idaho Chardonnay if you wanna..." "I'm gonna go, keep the photo." "Keep this." "And bust his balls for me, would you?" " Don't worry." " This better be good." " I've found a picture of Klink with Dr. Rice." " Meaningless." "Good-bye." "Guess who Dr. Rice is." "Really?" " Are you sure?" " Positive." "I'll call you back." "Consuelo, that was amazing." "That was a classy misdemeanor." "My dear, that was a felony." "You know what I hate?" "I hate that one of us has to lose." "I wish we could both win." "Exhibit A is a group photograph from the OTOPI shrink convention..." "Denver 1999." "Do you recognize the woman standing next to Roger Klink?" "Of course I do." "Would you please read what's written on the back on the photo?" ""To a great orator, love, E.R."." " Who is E.R.?" " Emily Rice." " Who is Emily Rice?" " Me." "I am..." "I was." "My second former husband was Eugene Rice." "What did you mean "a great orator"?" "It's double on tongue." "No big deal." "It refers to oral sex." "We had a fling in Denver." "We hardly left the room for 3 days although it was more of a workshop... considering Roger was a sexual flaggingly." "I object." "It's the truth." "I tutored him in various sexual techniques... granted, he was a quick learner... he made the greatest thrives in the oral disciplines." " Hence, a great "orator"." " Oral?" "You and Dr. Klink?" "I named his penis "Mr. Majestic"." " To boost his confidence." " Jesus." " Oh, God." " Oh, man." " Should I go off record?" " Don't you dare." "I showed him everything." "I crammed 6 months of training into 3 days." "And we had an elevator in Denver." " You two had sex in an elevator?" " Well..." "Well, he was too timid. "What if someone comes?" "I'm so scared"." "You were like a super-charged sex instructor." ""Roll over, rub here, touch this, on your back, on your knees."" " It was like a sexual boot camp." " You loved it." "And then you have the nerve to share my advance circle technique... with her." "Those circles are mine, I gave him that technique." "But that's all it is to you: technique." "And disciplines, maneuvers." "I mean, if you'd shut up once during the weekend and let me be me..." "I might never gone back to my wife." " You should've told me, Dr. Paige." " It had no bearing." "You pressed me to sue him." "You wanted to nail the bastard." "You used me to get back at Dr. Klink." " How could you?" "You, you stole those circles from Dr. Paige." "Hell hath no fury like a woman scormed." " No, no, I was trying to help." " You used Mrs. Carmichael." " A broken woman." " Who was unable... to defend herself from the advances of this sexual predator." "Predator?" "He's a leaf eater, a sexual herbivore." " I object." " A predator created by Dr. Paige." " But then her creation spurned her." " So you set out to destroy him... and this innocent woman just got in your way." " None of this is true." " You've ruined my life, Dr. Paige." "My marriage is over." "Dan's become a greedy asshole and his shit brother... is selling my deposition to local bars." "What?" " I did it." " Well, you're fired." "You can't fire her, she's pregnant." "The tapes are meaningless now." "Remember your wish last night, Consuelo?" " Last night?" " That both of us could win this case." "That is impossible, but I've come up with the next best thing." "First: you drop your sue against Klink." " Do what?" " Drop the sue?" "Never." "We'll file a sue on behalf of Carmichael and Klink... the real victims in this case... against the real villain... the knaving and vengeful Dr. Paige." " This will never hold up in court." " It won't have to." "You'll settle out of court for US$5 million... which the company will agree to." "Melinda and Klink will split five million." " Minus 30% ." " Everyone's a winner." "Well, not everyone..." "According to the settlement, Dr. Paige will lose her license." " Lose my license?" " But... there's an island in the Caribbean where you don't need a license... to practice the psychiatric arts." " Grand Cayman." " The Caribbean?" " Brilliant." "It's a happy ending." " You're the greatest." "Give me a hug." "Melinda, Roger... congratulations!" " We won, we are rich!" " This is insane." "I won't agree." "I want to speak to my attorney." "I am your attorney." "Every shrink in Idaho has the same malpractice plan... and the same lawyer:" "Ezri Stovall." "As your attorney, and the one voice the insurance company listens to..." "I recommend we settle out of court." "But you never settle out of court." "I will." "For you." "Love means making sacrifices." "Sorry, Emily, would you like some champagne?" "Melinda?" "Goddamned lawyers and doctors, go to hell!" "Melinda?" "Melinda, wait!" "Roger." " When did you come up with this?" " After you fell asleep." "I fell asleep?" " So we didn't...?" " No." "I missed it." "I took the liberty of reschedule on you for 3 o'clock." "It's time!" "Time?" "The baby." "Melinda!" "Our bottle!" "Roger, Roger, get back here!" "Pull over, we need to talk!" "Roger!" "Roger!" "Careful, Emily." "Roger, Roger, hold on!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Go away!" "Okay." "Alright." "Listen, I must've been crazy to risk losing you, okay?" "Screw the money, screw the lawyers, screw Larry, screw the shrinks." "I just want you, I'm begging you." "Please, I'm begging you." "I need you." "We are a team, remember?" "Sigfrid and Roy ham and cheese." " You don't care about the money?" "I don't need money to be happy, Mel." "I just need you." "That's it." "I missed you so much." "Kiss me." "I lied to you." "I didn't throw my diaphragm away, or lose it." " You didn't." " It's here, in my purse." " Do you got any of that sauce?" " Spermicidal gel?" " Say it again." " Spermicidal gel." " Go get it now, we're in business." " "Mr. Happy"!" " Let's not call it that anymore." " What should we call him?" " I'll think of something." " Okay." "I'll be right back." "Oh, my God." "Oh, God." "Oh, I love birth control." " Why are you laughing?" " We are rich." "There was a settlement and we get almost US$2 million." "We are rich?" "We can afford one of those track houses." "Melinda?" "Are you alright?" "God, Danny, it's him!" "And that's how we got here." " Klink, Paige, Rice..." " I need a goddamn program." "Turn that damn thing off." "I've had about enough." "Go get a position near the door, we're going in." " Thank you, lady." " Hurry!" " Oh, God!" "I love you, Danny!" " I love you too, baby!" "Wait, let me try talking to them." "Dr. Paige!" "Dr. Klink!" "Honesty first, right?" "I mean, Dr. Paige what do you want from Dr. Klink?" "And vice versa." "Danny and me took your advice." "We were finally honest with each other." "It worked." "Yeah, all relationships are killed by dishonesty, repressed feelings... things left unsaid, things like that." "Come on, honesty first." "Emily, I wanted to be with you so bad..." "I was sick after the OTOPI conference." "Roger, I want you." "I wanted to be close to you since Denver." "It's all I've ever wanted." "My wife and I got married because of a grammatical misunderstanding." "She thought I proposed." "I only meant:" ""I could" hypothetically marry her." "I only married Mr. Paige to make you jealous." "I fantasized that you'd burst into the church and stop it." "That was my fantasy." "I wanted to, but I was afraid." "Let's start over." "Honesty first." "I was thinking..." "There's got to be a need for couples' counseling on Grand Cayman, right?" "That's what I was thinking." "I love you, Emily." "I love you, Roger." " Don't shoot me!" " Oh God, Danny!" "What the..." "Melinda, Melinda!" "Melinda!" "Go evasive!" "Go evasive!" " Were you shot?" " No, it's champagne." "Champagne?" "Get in there, Trousdale." "Shit." "Careful, Trousdale." "Well?" "The circle." "The crisis will be resolved in about 30 seconds, sir." "God damn." "You two better hold on tight this time." "There isn't anybody else in the world that could love you." " Yes, sir." " Don't worry." "Consuelo, we are just getting started." "God, I love a happy ending." "Lucky Larry's lift, come down and get lucky."