"Clouseau." "Yes, well, the first time I ever heard that name Clouseau was just a little nobody." "A police officer in some little village far outside of Paris." "He was the village idiot as far as I could tell." "Idiot, pull up." "Monsieur Dumont, you must move your vehicle immediately." "I am so sorry, Officer Clouseau." "My chair, it won't move." "Here's your problem." "Your battery cable has come undone." "Let me help." "Let's see." "The positive to the negative." "The negative to the positive." "There." "All right, you are ready to go." "All clear, keep it moving." "As chief inspector of the Police Nationale I hear many stories of our officers in the field." "Clouseau generated many many stories." "You are under arrest for the murder of Pierre Fuquet." "You are under arrest for the murder of Pierre Fuquet." "You are under arrest for the murder of Pierre Fuquet." "Pierre Fuquet?" "The case is closed." "Needless to say  Clouseau did not qualify for any advancement whatsoever." "I never thought for a moment I would have any use for him until that fateful day." "It was a perfect day for a murder." "France against China, with the winner advancing to the finals." "I had been invited, as chief inspector of the Police Nationale." "And because of my recent nomination for the Medal of Honor." "I have been nominated seven times." "I have never won." "But still, seven nominations that's something." "Anyway, the coach of the French team, Yves Gluant  came out for his customary ovation." "He raised his fist to the crowd." "On it:" "The Pink Panther diamond." "It was quite the symbol of pride and victory for the French team." "Gluant's girlfriend at that time  was Xania, the international pop star." "They had been having quite a stormy affair." "By the end of regulation time the score was tied  and the game went into sudden death." "For a patriotic Frenchman and a true fan like myself  it was almost too thrilling to believe." "And then  the miracle." "Yes!" "Yeah!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "And then, in front of a stadium filled with people  Gluant collapsed  dead." "A poison dart in his neck." "And the Pink Panther diamond  had disappeared." "The newspapers fed on Gluant's murder with a frenzy." "For them, the world had stopped." "For me  it was an opportunity for my greatest triumph." "I know what we need for the Gluant case." " What?" " An incompetent." "An unimaginative, by-the-book, low-level incompetent who will plod along, getting nowhere with the media watching his every step." "And while he is getting nowhere I will put together the finest team of investigators in France and we will hunt down the killer, retrieve the Pink Panther diamond and then the Medal of Honor will be mine." "And who is this incompetent?" "Oh, I think I know the perfect man for the job." "Find him and bring him to Paris." "His name is Clouseau." "Good morning, mademoiselle." "I'll be right with you." "The minister of justice sent around a new picture of himself but it was bigger than Chief Inspector Dreyfus' picture." "So the chief inspector had a larger one made." "You'll find that Paris can be a very political place." "Yes, politics." "Where greed wears the mask of morality." "That's good." "Did you say that?" "Yes, I did." " Could you help me down?" " Oh, yes, of course." "Oh, yes." "Here, just..." "Perhaps..." " Yes, I..." " All right." " Wait." " Yeah." "Don't jump." "Yes, that's good." "All right." "I think if you put your leg right there..." " Okay." " Yes." "Okay." "Yes." " I can't see anything." " Maybe over here?" " Yes, okay." " Okay." "Over here." "The inspector will see you now." "He'll be right with you." "Clouseau." " Clouseau." " He's coming in." "Good." "Officer Jacques Clouseau, gendarme, third class." " That had to hurt." " No." "No, not at all." "No." "Clouseau, the reason we called you here..." "It is lovely weather we are having." "I hope the weather continues." "The area is secure." "Oh, thank you." "Clouseau, I have reviewed your records, and it is clear to me that a man of your talent merits greater responsibility than you have had up to this point." "I have decided to promote you to inspector the highest rank of any officer in the republic." " Inspector?" " Exactly." "And your first case is the Gluant murder and theft of the Pink Panther diamond." " I am honored." " Good." "Jacques Clouseau, by the power vested in me I hereby appoint you full inspector with all of the..." "Here, if you would be so kind, please." "Oh, here, take my pen." "Thank you." "One does not often see the traditional French fountain pen." "I will cherish this forever." "No." "It is not a gift." "That was given to me by the mayor of Paris." "Well, then I cannot accept this." "The press conference." "Yes." "Clouseau, there is a press conference in just a few minutes down the hall to introduce you to the media." "We'll meet you there." "And, Clouseau?" "Yes?" "Good luck." "Good luck to you." "And where is the press conference?" "Go under the arch through the door on the right and down the hall." "Well..." "The area is still secure." "Thank you." "He's perfect." "Yes, we have definitely found our man." "Why do I feel wet?" "Because of the unique nature of the crime we have brought in a man specially suited to the case:" "Inspector Jacques Clouseau." "Inspector." "Inspector." " Yes?" " Yes, what's your initial premise?" "That Gluant did not want to be killed." "Everything else follows like liquid mercury flowing down a..." "A..." "A sloping thing." "How long do you think it will take to find the killer?" "Right now the killer is being surrounded by a web of deduction forensic science and the latest in technology such as two-way radios and e-mail." "Assign a man to be his driver who can report on his whereabouts at all times." "What kind of man?" "A man who follows orders and doesn't ask questions." "Inspector, do you know if the killer was a man or a woman?" "Well, of course I know that." "What else is there?" "A kitten?" "Excuse me, do you think it's possible that the killer could be watching you now?" "Well, if I was a killer, I would certainly be watching and possibly taping for later playback because, you know, it's a big deal to be talked about on TV." "But I have a message for the killer:" "There is no place you can hide." "There is no place you cannot be seen." "Killer, I will find you  because I am a servant of the nation." "Because justice is justice  and because France is France." " Bonjour, Nicole." " Good morning, inspector." "Welcome to your new office." "You should probably start by going through these files." "It is lovely weather we are having." "I hope the weather stays this mild." "If the weather continues we are in for a lovely summer." "The area is secure." " Are you all right?" " Well, of course I'm all right." "And what is that?" " What?" " Nothing." "You should probably start by looking at these files." "You have to..." "My leg, it crushed my leg!" "Being an inspector, you'll need some new clothes." "I can take your measurements and have something sent over." " Of course." " Please remove your jacket." "Yes." " Do you live by yourself, inspector?" " Yes, I do." "Do you get lonely?" "No, not really." "Not since the Internet." "Well, that takes care of that." "And welcome to Paris." "Thank you." "Good morning, monsieur." "And you are?" "Gilbert Ponton." "Detective, second class." "I've been assigned to work with you." "What qualifications do you have for police work?" "My family's done police work in Paris for nine generations." " And before that?" " We were policemen for 200 years." " And before that?" " Immigrants from countries in Europe." " All involved in police work." " And before that?" "Farmers." "So you are a little lamb who has come to Clouseau for to learn." "Gilbert Ponton, I vow to teach you everything I know about police work." "And together we are going to catch a killer." "There." "The Chinese VIP box, right on the edge of the kill zone." "The poison was Chinese." "Was Gluant ever in China?" "Three years ago, he took a group of French stars there for some exhibition games." "Gluant was in China the poison is from China the Chinese are from China." "It may be too early to say for certain, but I think our killer is Chinese." "Corbeille, I want you on the next flight to Beijing." "Find out what Gluant did there, who he saw, where he went." "Pacquette, I want a dossier on every Chinaman in that box." "Go, go, go, go, go." "Inspector, it's awfully late and..." "Oh, I'm just going over these crime-scene photos." " Don't you need some rest?" " Crime does not rest, Nicole." "It's true." "You see I have waited a long time to prove myself." "And I've been given the opportunity of a lifetime." "And I intend to show the world exactly who I am and what I can do." "I must not fail." "You won't." "I know it." "Thank you, Nicole." " Nicole?" " Yes?" "May I be very frank with you?" "Of course." "You have put on a ton of weight." "Now, what I do when I get a little heavy..." "Never mind." "Would you like me to stay behind and help you?" "That is a generous offer, Nicole but I am quite sensitive to office gender politics." "And in today's world, the slightest gesture can be misinterpreted as harassment." "And it is late, and I would prefer not to put you or me into that delicate situation." "Agreed?" "Yes, I agree." "Well, let's seal it with a kiss." "And I'll get back to work." "I am going to be frank." "Since you are only a detective, second class your senses may not be as sharp as my own." "And as I do not want a partner who makes me duller I have come up with a plan to keep you as sharp as possible." "And what is that?" "Intermittently, and without warning, I will attack you whenever and wherever it is least expected." "In this way, I will keep you vigilant and alert." "Agreed?" "Yes." " Good one." " Thank you." "Here we are." ""Do not open door when light is flashing."" "Excuse me." "Coming through." "Thank you." "And I'm wondering if you..." "Yes." "I'm wondering if you saw, perhaps, a person yelling." "Stop!" "Stop, stop!" "Who are you, and what the hell are you doing?" " I'm in the middle of an interrogation." " The booth is soundproof." "She can't hear a word." "And in case you haven't noticed you ruined my recording session." "Now, get out." "Unless you want to be charged with obstruction of justice you will let me interrogate Xania." "It's all right, Roland." "Hello, inspector." "I'm Xania." "You do not know this, but I am intimately familiar with your work." "You are very kind." "Did you say that booth was soundproof?" "Yes." "Now, you were nearby when Gluant was killed?" "Yes, I ran out to be with him after the team won." "Of course you did." "Now, a few hours before the murder six witnesses saw you repeatedly striking the deceased and screaming..." "What was it, Ponton?" ""I am going to kill you." "I am going to kill you."" "I was angry." "I caught him with another woman." "And this was after he said he loved me." "You poor little angel waif." "After he cheated on me I hated him." " But I didn't kill him." " Of course you didn't." " You recently performed in China..." " Stop browbeating her!" "Can't you see she's sexy?" "Three months ago in Shanghai." "Can you think of anyone else who might have hated Gluant?" " Bizu." " The football star?" "I was dating Bizu when I met Gluant." "He thought Gluant was a bad guy for stealing me away." " If you ask me, they were both..." " You, don't leave town." "But I'm flying to Montserrat to record Rene Duchanel..." "You will not leave town." "I may want to ask you a few more questions." "But I don't know anything." "About life, about love." "Yes, you little wet puppy." "But about the crime you may know a lot." "Inspector." "Do I have to stay in town?" "Because next week I have something vague to do in New York." "Well, if you absolutely have to do something vague feel free to go where you wish." "I can't take you to Bizu, but I can take you to Monsieur Vainqueur the team's assistant coach." "Well, I guess he's the head coach now." " You wanted to see me?" " You are Vainqueur?" "Yes." "And who are you?" "I am Inspector Clouseau." "Perhaps you have heard of me." "No." "Don't write that down." " What do you want?" " I am told that Bizu hated Gluant." "A lot of people hated Gluant." "Did you?" "I spent six years under his thumb being verbally abused every day." "Yes, I was not a fan of Yves Gluant." "And now he is dead and you have his job." "Ironic." "Not every death is a tragedy." " And what was the..?" " Footsteps." "It's a young woman 30 to 35 years old 5'2", 5'4", brunette." "And she is wearing high heels." "Perhaps a bit too formal for the afternoon." "And she has on Chanel N°5." " Is anyone with you?" " No." "Do you have a pair of high heels in that bag?" " No." " Not even a small pair of pumps?" " No." " Who are you?" "I am Yuri, the trainer." "And what is it you do here, Yuri the trainer?" "I train." "So you are Yuri the trainer who trains." "Do not leave Europe." "But I have to go to Asia." "Okay." "Do not leave Europe or Asia." "We have one match in Brazil." "All right." "Do not leave Europe, Asia or the Americas." " Okay." " Where is this famous soccer player?" "He is outside on the practice field." "Well, we shall see about Mr. Bizu." "I've got Bizu in the interrogation room." "What's the plan?" "I'm going to give him the good-coplbad-cop routine." "You are the soccer player known as Bizu?" " Yes." " You were acquainted with Gluant?" " I'm glad he's pushing up daisies." " He is not pushing up daisies." "He is dead." "It's an idiom." "You, sir, are the idiom." "Now, unless you want to spend the rest of your life in prison you will answer the next question." "Did you kill him?" "I would have loved to have killed him." "But some lucky bastard beat me to it." "You disgust me." "I'll be right back." "Cigarette?" "No." "Thanks." "Good for you." "Bizu I know you didn't do it." "Someone else did, and they are trying to set you up." "You'll help me?" "Of course I'll help you." "Now, do you have any idea who might have done this terrible thing?" "His partner in those stupid restaurants, Larocque." "Raymond Larocque, the casino owner." "Gluant would steal money from the restaurants and use it to gamble." "My guess is Larocque got fed up and had him killed." "Bizu, I like you." "I'm going to help you." "You and I are going to make a great team." "The good-coplbad-cop routine is working perfectly." "You know, usually two different cops do that." "You know what we do to prisoners who don't cooperate?" "We hook them up to the box." "What is the box?" "Idiot." "Like this, I take one electrode I put it here." "I take the other one I put it..." "So, what do you think?" "Bizu is innocent." "How can you say that?" "Gluant suspended Bizu." "He stole his girlfriend." "If it were me, I would have killed him then and there." "That's exactly what Bizu did." "Ponton a crime is like a jigsaw puzzle." "You have to have the jig and you have to have the saw." "You have the jig, but no saw." "Where is your saw?" ""Oh, Your Honor, I want to present a case, but all I have is a jig." "Is that okay?"" "What?" "Nothing." "I thought you said:" "No." "Strange." "Oh, it's you." "I hope you don't mind I let myself in with the spare key." " Oh, no, no." " And, look." "I got your pants back from the tailor." " Plus a spare." " Good." " Would you like some water?" " Yes, please." "You know, Nicole, this crime is forcing me to use all my knowledge." "Everything I have learned in a lifetime of investigating is coming into play." "Do you mind if I have these?" "I haven't eaten." "Oh, please, go ahead." "Things are appearing in my mind that I did not even realize was there." "And yet the in..." "Oh, my God." "The Heimlich!" "The Heimlich!" "Are you feeling better?" "Yes, thank you." "You are so good at it." "Where did you learn that?" "I used to practice on mannequins, pillows but frankly, it was the expression on your face that told me that you needed it." "Now, Ponton, what do you have for me?" "It seems you were right about Bizu." "He was just found dead in the training facility locker room." " Shot in the head." " Was it fatal?" " Yes." " How fatal?" "Completely." "I want to talk to him now." "He's dead." "You there." "Halt." "You are Yuri the trainer who trains." "Yeah, that's right." "I am looking for a dead body." "Perhaps you can tell me where it is." "Oh, yeah." "I heard it was in the locker room." "You go down the hall, make a right and two lefts." "You are finding something amusing here?" "I'll be honest with you." "I..." "I find your accent quite funny." " Where are you from?" " From Russia." "Gluant recruited me from the Russian military gym." "You need to work on your accent." " What?" " What?" " What?" "What?" " What?" " What?" " I don't have time for this." "I have to solve a murder." "Please, tell me what you saw." "Well, I didn't see anything." "I was passing by the locker room." "It was late, past time anyone should be there." "I heard movement on the other side of the locker-room door." "I heard Bizu say:" ""Oh, it's you."" "And then there was gunfire." "Ponton, go to your databases." "I want to interrogate every person in Paris with the name "You."" "And, Ponton don't you find it a bit of a coincidence that the body fell perfectly within the chalk outline on the floor?" "I think they drew the chalk outline later." "We are dealing with some kind of mastermind." "Ponton, I want to interrogate this man Raymond Larocque." "Where is his casino?" "Park it close by." "Unless you want to know what else is good for you." "You continue to surprise me, inspector." "Get used to it, Ponton." "With me, surprises are rarely unexpected." "Yes, the weather is nice today." "Let's hope it continues." "Ponton, go find security." "Tell them I want to converse with Mr. Raymond Larocque." " You're not coming?" " Something has come up." "If the weather stays this mild, we are all in for a treat." " Place your bets." " I am in law enforcement too." "Am I that obvious?" "No, it's just that I have an ear for such things." "Here is your mojito." " Flame it." " No more bets." "Impressive." "I will remember that." "I am Inspector Jacques Clouseau." "I am here on a very important case." "Boswell." "Nigel Boswell." "Agent 006." " Know what that means?" " Of course I do." "You are one short of the big time." "I, too, am on a very important case, inspector." "So you understand what I mean when I say no one must know that I am here." "I have just slipped my cell-phone number into your pocket." "Call me if you need any help." "I will, inspector." "Well Monet." "Very impressive, Monsieur Larocque." "Very impressive, Inspector Clouseau." "Please make yourself at home." "Now, how can I help you?" "I am investigating the murder of Yves Gluant." "Yves." "Fascinating man." "Would you happen to know what he paid for the Pink Panther?" "He inherited it." "It cost him nothing." "It cost him his life." "I would like to take a closer look at your bowls." " My what?" " Your bowls." "I would like to take a closer look at your big brass bowls." " Okay." " Thank you." "Han Dynasty." " Very rare." "Beautiful." " I see you have an eye for antiques." "Some here are real and some are copies." "I'm sure you can tell which are which." "Second century." "Very rare." "One should always handle an antique vase from the inside." "Otherwise the oil from the hands can damage the patina." "Pure alabaster." "Lovely." "That's odd." "What I did, I went like this, and then..." "This is weird." "Why did you take out a life-insurance policy on Gluant?" "The insurance company won't pay unless the murderer is caught." "And if it turns out to be me they won't pay at all." "Do you understand?" "But you stood to gain from Gluant's death, didn't you?" "Gain?" "What would I gain?" "Gluant's share of the restaurants." "Oh, the restaurants were a disaster." "Gluant was siphoning money out faster than it came in." "My only consolation was he'd lose the money gambling in my casino." "But after a while his losses became so ridiculous he promised me his ring as collateral." "But someone had words with Gluant the night before he was killed." " Didn't you?" " No." "You didn't threaten to break his legs and then crush him into powder?" "No." "Perhaps I saw that on TV." "Well, I can certainly think of a better place for this." "That's my personalized cell-phone tone ring." "Hello?" "Yes, this is Inspector..." "Yes, I could meet you." "In the restaurant?" "Yes, of course." "Right away." "Gentlemen, something has come up." "Please excuse me." " Monsieur Larocque." " Yes." "Is this vase of great value?" "It is a worthless imitation." "Good." "But that desk was priceless." " Clouseau." " Oh, yes." "I need your help." "Now, it's very important that you remain calm and you do not turn around." " Remain calm." "Do not turn around." "Behind you in the casino are the Gas Mask Bandits." "Oh, my God!" "The Gas Mask Bandits!" " All Europe is looking for them." " How can I help?" " Just give me your coat." " Yes, of course." "Why?" "I'm not supposed to be here." "But I can't let the Gas Mask Bandits escape." " Put it on." " Yes." "Yes, of course." "But why?" "I'm not supposed to be here, remember?" "Inspector." "My God, man, that was fantastic." "Inspector, was Clouseau's plan to set a trap for the Gas Mask Bandits?" "Does Clouseau think the Bandits are connected to the Pink Panther?" "Is Clouseau going to be promoted, sir?" "I cannot comment on ongoing investigations." "Drive." "Inspector?" "Clouseau?" "Good one." "Thank you."