"Hi!" "Hi." "My name is Kent." "What's your name?" "Daphne." "Daphne." "Beautiful name." "It sounds like the name of a flower." "Obviously I know that it's not a flower, but it could be." "I like the flowers." "Smelling them, stuff like that." "Sending them to people." "Where are you from?" "Connecticut." "Really?" "I am a big fan of it." "I'm a..." "Who isn't, right?" "You're close to the city and you can really enjoy it." "But also it has a small town feel." " Did you go to school there?" " Yeah." "I went to Wesslam." "That's a great school." " What's your major?" " Psychology." "It's great." "Those are really beautiful earrings, by the way." "Nice job complementing..." "I'll stop you right there." "Because on paper you've done everything right." "Took an interest in my personal history." "You've complemented my accessories." "Blah, blah, blah." "If we'd met in college, our relationship would've developed." "Which I'd come to regret." "I'd find out that you're just as boring in the bedroom as you've been during this awful conversation." "Okay, Daphne..." "If I wanted a nice sexual pen pal you'd be on my list." "We'd just l-chat all night." "LOL." "Tickles." "But unfortunately, that's not what I'm looking for." "I want a man whose hand doesn't shake when he puts it up my shirt." "Do you know what I'm saying?" "Okay." "Daphne, if I could just..." "Save it, Kent." "I'm not looking for a BFF." "Daphne, please." "Bitch, I'm talking to you!" " What did you call me?" " I didn't stutter." "You sure can talk the talk, you crazy little slut." "But, can you deliver the goodies?" "I don't give a damn about Connecticut." "I hate those cheap buildings." "I'm from North Dakota and this is how we handle our business in the vice and state, mamma." "Get your hands off me." "I'll take you to your knees in this bar." "Promise?" "Hold on, angel crossing!" "Angel crossing!" "Get on it." "Here we come." "Watch out!" "What a beautiful view." "So, this is where you live?" "This is where you live too, honey." "Come on." "What do you think about Daphne?" " I really liked Daphne." " You did?" " Yeah." " Definitely naughty." "She's a lot naughty, but in the fun way." "Kent?" "Did you like him?" " Kent was hot." " Really?" "I like those glasses, nice touch." "You want to try on the planes vibe?" "Like an angry cowboy who drives a van." " Hot." " But has ninja equipment back in his apartment." "A lot's happening." " You know?" " Yeah." "Like a transformer." " I'd like to meet Kent again." " Yeah, come here." "Toothpaste and all." " I love you, Kate." " I love you." "You are the best girl in the whole world." "Let's get this off of you." "That was fun." " That feels good." " It's the acupressure." " Really?" " No, I just like to rub it." "This stuff is connected to stuff inside your tummy." " I know." " Push the wrong..." " Know what that's for?" " Until later." "Okay." "When's the big day?" "I'm sorry?" "We're getting married in the spring in South Carolina." " Yeah, what about you?" " We're not getting married." "So, why do you take the dance classes?" "We do a lot of stuff together." "That's one." "Yeah, it's fun." "Can't think of what we don't do together." "Why you don't wanna get married?" " Yeah." " We are happy." " We're happy." " Yeah." "I love her." "Marriage brings pressure and stress in stuff." "Don't want our relationship to be work." "We're together 'cause we enjoy it." "Not because we have to." "There's a reason that they use the expressions:" ""Tying the knot" or "Ball and chain"." "Know the words of a ceremony?" "Like: "l promise to obey." Or "Till death do us part."" "I'd rather be like stuck on an island with some weird millionaire trying to kill me and trying to escape than be in something with that." "That's a time bomb." "So, what about children?" "You do want to make them, no?" " No, no." " No." "I don't wanna make them." "It just don't want to be responsible for this kid and disappoint them." "Yeah, that's our families." "We're both from divorced families." "We've seen it." "We don't need to repeat the pattern." "But anyway, congratulations on getting married." "That's a cool thing." "To each their own." "Yeah, absolutely." " Merry Christmas." " Merry Christmas!" "Bye-bye." " Big-bad Brad!" " Hi!" " How are you?" " Look at this." "How are you?" "You remember my girlfriend." " How are you?" "Good to see you." " Hi." "What are you guys doing for Christmas?" "We got the entire family flying in." "13 airport pick-ups." "4 days of listening to how gifted my nieces are." "My brother thinks his daughter, the four year old is gonna be the next Beyonce." "She is bad and she sucks." "I'm vacationing in tropical Albany this year with Tricia's family." "They got us a cot, which is awesome." "We'll end up sleeping on the couch in the basement with cats." "All seven of them." "We'll get to be there the whole week." "Sounds like a prison sentence." "Why put yourselves through that?" "It's Christmas, right?" "Don't you have to?" "We don't need to do it." "We don't." "We don't do it." " We're done." " Why, what are you doing?" " We're going to Fiji." "Just us." " Yeah." "Fiji?" "Yeah." "Don't your families get upset?" "Not if you're doing charity work." "Like building houses in third world countries." "Teaching English in Puerto Rico." "Helping orphans in Somalia." "Helping Chinese kids capture lobsters." "Boil them, cut them, clean the weird stuff out." "We find it that the more details you give kinda throws them off the set." "You lie to your families at Christmas time?" "You really can't do it without lies." "Try it." "But don't you ever feel guilty?" "For taking a vacation on our vacation?" "No, not really." " You look sexy with a tan." " Thanks, babe." "You could take this one." "This one here." " Like that." " Yeah, that's a good idea." "I made a couple's massage rev for the weekend." " You did?" "It's great." " Yeah." "I'd check us in online after this." "I did it." "You checked us in?" "You're the best, sweetheart." "I picked up a pair of noise-canceling headphones." " You did not." " For the next time." " Oh my God." " I'm excited." "We'd sign up for the scuba boat as soon as we get there I heard it fills up really quick." "Do you feel like we've been on this vacation before?" "The scuba diving, we did that in Bali and Costa Rica." "Yeah, but this is Fiji." "We've never been to Fiji." "That's a different island." "The resort is beautiful." "And the scuba diving will be different." "It's different water and fish." "It's gonna be really good." "I'm excited." " lt'll be amazing." " Are you excited?" " I am." "I'm really excited." " I'm excited." " I love you." " I love you too." "Hey, Mom, merry Christmas." "Yeah." "Listen." "Actually I'm sorry I didn't call you sooner." "We're actually heading out to Burma." "Yeah." "That's exactly the island in Asia, Burma." "We're inoculating babies." "Yeah, we'll be helping out this kids." "It's such a great cause, but honestly it just sucks that we won't be with you and the family." "You know how much..." "I know it's been three years." "I wish I would've called you sooner." "But Kate sent all the gifts and stuff to you." "Okay." "That's Merry Christmas in Burmese." "All right, I'll tell her." "I love you too." "Bye." "Learned "Merry Christmas"?" "I gotta take everything to the next level." "Come on, let's do this." "I'm excited." "Attention, San Francisco passengers." "All flights have been grounded due to weather conditions." "Sir, excuse me." "Your flight is not going out." "But what I can do is get you set up for standby on the first flight to Fiji tomorrow." "Okay?" "Tomorrow won't be great." "We've scheduled the couple's massage..." "I'm sorry, sir." "I don't make the fog, I deal with it." "The best I can do is get you a suite at the Radisson." "They have lovely accommodations next to the airport." "You promise?" "At the Radisson?" " Did you hear that?" " Brad." "No, that's terrific." "Would it be possible to take us out and get us McDonald's as desert?" "I'll start missing flights often." "With this kind of red carpet service." " Terrific." "A suite." " Brad, please." "That's not helping, Brad." "Is there another airline that you're affiliated with?" "Like a sister airline?" " No, I'm sorry." " Do you have a cousin airline?" "How about one your airline's filled out before?" "The FAA has ruled that bay area fog is simply too thick." "No flights are coming in and no flights are going out until at least tomorrow morning." "Let's see how travelers are coping in all of this task." "We have a couple over here." "Excuse me, sir?" "Where are you headed for this Christmas?" "We're live on the air." "You look dressed for vacation." "We're taking..." "And we take the trips." "We'll take a different trip." "What he's trying to say is that we plan a trip every year." "This is actually ruining our Christmas." "You must be pretty upset." "Are you visiting family?" "This is Kate." "Hi, Mom." "I know, Mom." "All the flights were cancelled." " They're not..." " It's Dad." "They're not sure if it'll be today." "You want me to answer it?" "Do I answer or no?" "Do I pick it up or not?" "Yes, I know." "I understand you have feelings." "What?" "What do you want me to do?" "I don't know what this means." "He's gonna give you a big hug." " I'm not hugging anybody." " He's excited." " We'll see you at noon." " Noon?" "Kate, are you crazy?" "Did you commit us to go?" "What did you want me to say?" "They saw us on the news." "We're not inoculating babies in Burma." " No..." " We're stuck here." "What did you say to your dad?" "I told my dad that we'll be going over there." "Don't compare your situation." " You kidding?" " There's new stuff that you're missing." "My Dad's a unique animal." "Your mother's not." "My dad, your mom." "My mom, your dad." "Great." "We'll see 4 families in one day." "Know what this means?" "What you committed us to?" "I know exactly what this means." "Brad." "Baby." "I don't want to fight." "I don't wanna fight either." " I hate this." " We never fight." "I'm sorry." "I love you." "This is what our families do and what happens." "Mother makes me crazy when I talk to her." "You're right." "Here's all we got to do." "Get through this Four Christmases as quickly and as painlessly as possible." "Exactly." "Promise me that no matter what happens today we'll still have each other." " Honey, of course we will." " Okay." "If one of these houses gets too intense..." " ...we'll need a strategy." " Yes." "We'll need a word that means it's time to leave." "A safe word, what it should be?" "It's a good idea." "Mistletoe." " Mistletoe is really good." " Okay." "By the way, my father's house can get uncomfortable." "Please do not feel embarrassed if you feel the need to pull the cord early, say Mistletoe if this house gets too uncomfortable." " Okay." " Even if we're there for 10 min." "All right, I'll let you know." "I'm looking out for you." "Be cool." "I'm gonna go see your dad and your brothers now." "Unless you're too weird with it, then we're out." " I'm going in." " And going out would be..." " Mistletoe." " Done." "Let's get out of here." "Brad, we're going in." "Let's go." "Son of a bitch." "The TV stars actually came." " Merry Christmas." " Merry Christmas, Dad." "Merry Christmas." "Good to see you." " Thanks for having us." " Good to see you." " Come on in." " Okay." "Let's..." "Let's celebrate." "Okay." "Sounds good." "That's a lot of presents you sent." "You're trying to outdo us?" "The biggest one is for you, Howard." "Yeah?" "What is it?" "I'm not gonna tell you." "What, are you crazy?" " Bro." " Hey, buddy." "Baby!" "Kate, these are my brothers:" "Denver and Dallas." " Hi, nice to meet you." " Nice to meet you." "You must be Orlando's girl." "Orlando?" "We're named after the cities in which we're conceived." "I'm Denver, that's Dallas." "And this is Orlando." "Orlando?" "My given name is Orlando." "But I changed it to Brad." "I'm Brad." "What?" "Well, Merry Christmas one and all." " Ordeurs for anyone." " Come on." "Who are you trying to impress, Suze?" "We also got beer in the back." "Ladies first." "Thank you so much." "What is this?" "Is this cheese?" "Yeah, spray." "Spray cheese from the famous family of aerosol cheeses." "Give me a hand." "Here we go." "Do you have something to say about my wife's cheese?" "Hump it!" "Hump it!" "I haven't seen that in a while." "Shut it, soldier boy!" "The spray cheese!" "The spray cheese!" "Bring it home, soldier boy." "God, honey." "I'm so sorry that you had to see that." "Let me apologize for them." "If you wanna say "Mistletoe" 'cause it's too heavy, I get it." "I get it." "Don't feel weird." "Need to get out, let me know about your comfort zone." "That was weird." "Can't believe you didn't tell me your name." " What are you saying?" " l..." "It's crazy." "We've been together for 3 years." "I don't know your name." "Isn't that odd?" "No, it's not." "I hated my name so I changed it." "Don't say: "My name used to be asshole, but it's Bob."" " Just: "My name is Bob."" " Maybe to a stranger but to somebody close?" "You say your real name." "I don't want to get into this now." "This is what I was afraid would happen." "This is isn't us, it's them." "We're letting them in." "Your name isn't asshole." "It's like your middle name." "Don't wanna be blindsided again." "Very funny." "Go ahead and take a shot at me." "I have to deal with those Neanderthals." "I gotta take it from you." "No, you shouldn't." "You shouldn't let them walk over you." "Kate, they're trained USC fighters." "Know pressure points on people." "You're twice their size." "They're semi-professional cage fighters." "Like one person comes out, one doesn't." "A cock fighting but with dudes." " Said they're personal trainers." " They're dude cock fighters." "Like what you see on the PPV." "Exactly." "Except they don't actually get paid for it." "They brawl in people's backyards and they upload the footage to YouTube." "Honey, my childhood was just like "Shawshank Redemption"." "Except I didn't have some kind, older, soft spoken black man to share my struggle with." "But you're not that child anymore, okay?" "You're a grown, strong, confident, successful man." "I don't want to get into this." "Brad, just know the truth." "They're intimidated by you." "What you need to do is go out there and set some boundaries and demand that they respect you." "You know?" "Hey, big city, come to open up some presents!" " Come on, we gotta go!" " This is your opportunity." "You can do this, baby." "Right, right." "Okay, gentlemen." "Can we take it down a notch, please?" "I'm not a kid, you can't talk to me like that." "We're adults." "Understand?" "I'm a grown man with hair on my chest, right?" "There's gonna be certain boundaries between us." "They might be invisible." "I know you won't see them but you'll be able to respect the fact that they're there." "These boundaries are not to be crossed." "And if they're crossed, there's gonna be real consequences." "Thank you." "Welcome back, stud!" "Don't!" "Stop!" "Stop it!" "Come on, can I go in?" "No, you boys could get hurt." "Come in!" " Come on!" " Take us in!" " Go!" " Yes!" "Get it!" "Google me, bitch!" "What?" "Google." "You might wanna look me up sometime, Barbara!" "No!" "Dad!" "Stop!" "Let's open the presents so Orlando can get to his other Christmases." "Let's do it." "Baby." "It's me." "It's me." "Are you okay?" "Did you break anything?" "I am so proud of you." "Orlando, just go to the tree." "Gosh, wasn't it so hard to find gifts under the 10 dollar cap?" "The first gift is to Connor." " The 10 dollar what?" " 10 dollar spending cap." "Uncle Brad and his special friend Kate, maybe..." "Brad?" "I'll be your nice uncle after you see what I got you." "Open it up." " Brad?" " Yeah." "What?" "X-Box." "This is awesome." "Top shelf for you, pal." "It's got the triple core processor, the whole deal." "It's a 10 dollar spending cap." "How did you find an X-Box for under 10 dollars?" "Someone's trying to show off how much money he makes." "His family didn't tell him there's a 10 dollar spending cap." "Or maybe if you came home you'd know crap like that." "Can we try to stay positive here?" "What's the problem?" "We're trying to give some gifts." "It's Christmas." "Let's keep the momentum going." "The next gift is to Cody." "This is from your dad." "I'm sure this is a good gift too." "Okay?" "Good, tear it up." "A flashlight?" "That's it?" "Why don't you love me, Daddy?" "Okay, okay." "Honestly, I think it's my fault." "Didn't know about the a 10 dollars." "My gift from Santa Claus better be straight cool." "I have a feeling that your gift from Santa will probably be around 10 dollars too." "Why?" "Is Santa Claus cheap like my daddy?" "No, Santa is dad." "Dad is..." "Right." "I don't understand." "What's happening?" "What's the problem?" "There's no Santa Claus." "You're joking with me, right?" "You're kidding me." "They know there's no Santa Claus?" "They do now." "How could you lie to us, Daddy?" "There is a Santa Claus." "Cody, come on." "You and Santa Claus don't love me." "That's not gonna bring back Santa." "That's not..." "When he gets hurt inside and can't get his emotions into words, he takes to streaking." "Don't worry, he always comes back." "Nobody loves me!" "Okay, look." "I'm really, really sorry." " I assumed..." " All right." "Let's keep it moving." "I'm starting to lose the balls." "All right?" "What's this one here?" "You're gonna love this, dad." "That's a satellite dish." "Why would I want it?" "Not a satellite, it's a satellite dish." "Terrific." "You get more channels and viewing options." "I don't get enough channels?" "Well, your TV right now is a radio, so..." "Wait." "How much does this gift will cost me a month?" "Nothing." "We're paying for the services." " So, nothing actually." " Wait, wait." "Just because I drive a van for a living doesn't mean I need a fancy lawyer son..." " ...paying the bills for me." " Okay, you win." "If you want to pay, wherever your want." "The installation guy comes on Tuesday, he'll install it." "Cancel it." "We install things ourselves." "Dad, I think you'll want a professional to handle this." "If you think I'll allow a sex predator in a uniform to wander around my house and touch my underwear..." "You can't..." "No, no." "I'll see you outside in five." "All three on the roof." " Let's go." " Okay." "To her mother." "I gotta take a grumpy." "What don't you...?" "You wanna go over to your mom?" "Yeah, okay, come here." "Careful." "There you go." "Ain't it nice to have everybody home?" "Yes, it is." "We're gonna make bologna sandwiches I think." "Okay, here we go." "Okay." "Take her before it explodes." "Thank you." "Gotta go and do some man's work." "You gotta use a lock nut." "I know what I'm doing." "I don't need any lock nut." "Sorry, I know that you major in a satellite dish installation at Stanford." "Yeah." "Great, dude." "Mock me for being educated." "Awesome." " Hey, Grandpa!" " Hey!" "Come play War with me!" "Maybe later, Grandpa is busy." "Grandma's boyfriend plays with me whenever I want." "Your grandmother's boyfriend is a first class ass sniffer." "You can tell him I said so." "Connor, go get us some beers, man." "Sounds like you and mom really turned a corner there." "I don't want to speak ill of her on Christmas." "But she's a common street whore." "Okay, that's great." "Nicely said." "What?" "What do you call a woman who throws away a career, abandons her kids and runs off with another man?" " What?" " What do you call her?" "Dad, she was a cashier, that's not a career." "That's a job." "She left you 'cause you wouldn't talk to her." "Stopped spending time with her." "Shut her out of you life." "I put a roof over her head." "And I never lied to her face." "I spoiled her, that's what I did." "Let that be a lesson to you about being honest with your wives." "You can't spell "families" without lies, am I right?" " Amen, Dad." " Yeah." "What is she like..." "two or three months?" " Nine." " Wow." " Yeah." " Nine months." "She's not walking or taking care of herself by now?" "Are you kidding me?" "Most days I'm lucky to get my boob out of her mouth so I can shower." " Yeah." " Does that hurt?" "Breast feeding?" "No." "Maybe at first, but the nipples get tough." "I can hardly feel mine anymore." "You wanna flick one?" " No." " Please." " No, no." " Go ahead." "That's okay." "I have a set of my own." "I pass." " Sure." "Of course." " But thanks." "Okay, we're all set!" "Hey!" "The picture's all fuzzy." "Did you get me some sort of cheap old satellite?" "No, it's not a cheap old satellite." "I just gotta adjust it." "How about now?" "Even worse!" "I can make it work!" "Hold on!" "How about now?" "Dad...!" "Could you hold her?" "I need to bake another thing." "No, actually..." "Okay." "Okay." "Come on, you can't break her." " Okay." " Yeah." "Okay, you know what...?" "You gotta point it up at the satellite." "Is it better now?" "No, it's worse." "It's still crappy." "I don't think she likes me." "She likes you fine." "Just give her a chance to warm up to you." " How about now?" " Worse." "It's worse." "Son of a bitch." "Take the damn thing down." "I can do better with rabbit ears." "I love my rabbit ears!" "Tell me "hot or cold"." " What?" " Hot or cold." "Hot or cold what?" "What the hell does that mean?" "How long until she warms up to me?" "Not long at all." " Horrible." " Point it up!" "Shut up, let me work!" "I don't want a fancy satellite." "I don't want any satellite." "It's not a satellite, genius!" "It's a satellite dish!" "Okay." " Pull the thing and..." " Get off my roof!" "Pull the damn thing!" "It's too much." "Whatever you're doing, stop it right now!" " Leave my TV alone!" " I'm fine!" "She stopped crying." "I did it!" "You idiot!" "Stop it!" " This is all right." " Leave my TV alone!" "I'm fine." "That's awesome." "Okay, I'm coming up." "Give me back my baby!" "Mistletoe." "Mistletoe." "I can't believe I nailed that baby's head." "I feel kind of bad." "That's my brother's kid." "You couldn't avoid it." "It's fine." "I did get her to stop crying for a second." "I think she kinds of likes me." "Yeah." "Know what happens to your nipples after your breast feed?" "I don't wanna know." "No, I don't think you do." "It's violent." " They crack up like tire rubber." " Okay." "Just so you know, it's a bit of a cougar den here at my Mom's." "This is different." "Maybe she has a new boyfriend." "Merry Christmas, Mom." "Merry Christmas, Kate." "Come on in." "Merry Christmas." "Give me a hug, Kate." "Oh, okay." "Good to see you." "And you must be Brad." "Mrs. Kincaid." "Call me Marilyn and get over here and give me a hug, you big, fat, purple teddy bear." "Bring it!" " Yes, yes!" " Hey, Merry Christmas." "Shit, that feels good." "You're so tall and firm like a giant oak." "He's tall." " Brad, this is my aunt Sarah." " Hi." " This is my aunt Donna." " Hi." " Genuine leather." " Nice to meet you, ladies." "The one in the canarian hanging on your belt is Gram Gram." "Sorry, but that's my belt." "That's attached to me." "Sorry." "Merry Christmas to you." "It's a great sweater." "I get it." "This is the den." "Well, everyone's here." "I can't believe you came." " Hi, Courtney." " Hi, sweetie." "I can't get up." "Jackson is very gassy and I gotta keep bouncing him." "Okay." " Well, this is Brad." " Hi." "Hi." "I'm Courtney." " Brad." "Merry Christmas." " Merry Christmas." "And that's Granddad." "And this is Courtney's husband, Jim." " Take Jackson." " All right." "He's so good with kids." "Yeah." " We're gonna try again." " Well..." "You're too cool for kids." "It ruins your independence." "I never said I was too cool for kids." "I know you didn't say it." "But you don't have any." "And you have really strong ideas about not having them." "Well, that's actually not..." "I'd rather just not get into it." "Where's Kasi?" "She's outside in the jump-jump with the rest of the kids." "There's a jump-jump?" "Kate hated the jump-jump." "In the 5th grade, kids trapped her inside of the jump-jump." " She never got over it." " I got over it." "They tortured her for about an hour." "Why would they trapped her in?" "Because she was "Cootie Kate"." "Courtney." "Who's Cootie Kate?" " She didn't tell you?" " This isn't necessary." "All the kids pretended that Kate had cooties and no one talked to her." "If Kate even touched you, you'd have to wipe it off and spray with disinfectant to get it off." "That sounds hurtful." "How long did that go along for?" "Not long." "I don't remember." "Seven years." "Until 6th." "That was a long time ago." "I'm sure you don't have cooties now." "Let's test it." "Cooties!" "Pastor Phil has encouraged us to dispense with the commercial trappings of the holidays." " Pastor Phil?" " Mom's new beau." "It's a whole new thing." "So what I had in mind was that we'd go around the room and each of us would speak to the spiritual gifts that we might give." "A verbal gift giving of sorts." "Wait." "There's really no presents." "Kasi." "None that you can see." "Okay, I'll go first." "I'd like give more of myself to my church and to Pastor Phil." "Gram-Gram, would you like to go next?" "I could increase the frequency with which I pleasure Milton with my hand and with my mouth." "Did she just say that?" "Brad, why don't you go next?" "I follow Gram-Gram with that hand stuff and what she does with her..." "Yeah, okay?" "I'd like to with Kate would be too..." "Vacationing more frequently and do in it with Kate." "That is lovely, Brad." " He's so well spoken." " Thank you." "Thank you." "Courtney, what would you give?" "Well, I'd like to give myself a gift." "And that is the gift of being pregnant." "I know that comes with its own challenges for 9 months like getting fat and people stare at you funny when you sneak a cig." "I'd like to give myself another gift." "And that is a scheduled a C-section." "Don't most women want to have a natural birth?" "Yeah, women who haven't done it before." "Right." "You just come here." "Auntie Kate, will you please hold him?" "What do I do?" "You gotta hold him." "Okay, got him?" "I'll fix myself here." "There we go." " What should I do?" " See if he made a stinky." "How do I do that?" "Just lift up his diaper and see if he made one." "There's something in here." "It's a really disgusting..." "Jackson..." "You project it on auntie Kate." " I'm gonna vomit." " Brad, are you okay?" "Get him some water." " I'm about to throw up." " Oh, God." "I'll get sick." "I can't be here." "What do I do?" "Take it away." "Sorry." "I love you." "You gotta get out." "I can't breathe." "I want to do it too!" " Kate!" " What?" "Are you joking me?" "These are the only clothes we have?" "How's that possible?" "It's not like you come around." "Haven't been here in..." "Forever." "Can't believe you told him about "Cootie Kate"." "How's I to know you hadn't told him?" "You'd tell Jim you're "Cootie Courtney"." "We know everything there is to know." "He knows I slept with the water polo team." "Like I know he experimented with men." " I didn't need to know that." " My point: after three years I'd think that you and Brad would know a little more about yourselves." "How can you appreciate someone for who they are until you really know them?" "Thank you." "I kind of feel like a Saudi prince in here." "We're so glad that Kate has a boyfriend." "You're the longest relationship she's ever had with a man." "With a man?" "What's this?" "Oh, my God." "Who's that?" "That's Josephine." "Everyone called her Joe." "She was Kate's only friend." "Last I heard, Joe coaches women's wrestling." "Check that out!" " That's Kate?" " Yeah." "She looks like Shaq." "Hi, auntie Kate." " Hi, Kasi." " What are you doing?" "Not much." "Do you need to use the bathroom?" "What's this?" "That is my special magic marker." "What?" "We can't have magic markers." " I have to tell my mom." " No." "You don't need to do it." "Actually, can I have it back because..." "Kasi." "You want this?" "This is not a joke, this is not game." "Auntie Kate needs her marker back, okay?" "Kasi, this is not funny!" "Kasi, please come out of there!" "Don't make me come and get you." "Kasi!" "Come on!" "Come and get it!" "Wait." "Kate went to a fat camp?" "Yeah, she lost three pounds." "It only took her all summer." "A pound a month." "Courtney." "Kasi, honey." "Please give back that marker!" "Keep away!" "Come and get it, old lady!" "What?" "Keep away!" "Keep away!" "Give it to me!" ""Give it to me."" "Just give me the marker." "Okay?" ""Just give me the marker." "Okay?"" "Come and get it!" "Sucker!" "Get it!" "Yeah!" " That's Kate?" " Yes." "Wait." "Hold on." "You told me..." "Who's that?" " That's Kate." " That's not a boy named Bjorn?" "Can't believe it." "Kate's playing with Kasi." "I've never seen her play with my kids before." "Hey!" "Okay!" "Mistletoe!" "Brad!" "Mistletoe!" "Mistletoe!" " We're so glad you're here." " I'm having so much fun." "What did she take so long to bring you?" "Is what I wanna know." "I came here for a marker and I'm not leaving without one!" "Kasi!" "That marker in your mouth, I peed on it!" "Hey!" "You never told me you went to a fat camp." "It was: "Get fit camp"." "I can't believe my family is showing you the pictures." "My favorites are when you're a baby 'cause it looks almost like you're a twin..." " ...but you ate the other baby." " Brad." " That's why you're powerful." " Stop." "You ate your twin sister, took all of her powers." " Cut it out." " Baby, I love you." "It doesn't bother me if you were a really large child with lesbian tendencies, if that was your journey..." " ...then I'm cool with it." " What lesbian tendencies?" " I saw the pictures of Joe." " Joe wasn't gay." "Haircuts don't lie." "What did you do with Joe like play baseball and ride motorcycles?" "We're just kids." "She was really imaginative." "We played in the basement." "She had this game: "Sun tan"." "Pretended we're on the beach, she'd take lotion she never wanted me to burn, so she'd rub it..." "Okay, listen and look at me." "You are better." "I'm saying it's not fun when the shoes are in the other foot." "You shouldn't have been shitty to me when you have so many skeletons in your own closet." "Do not throw rocks when you live in the house of Joe." "I see your point." "I love you." "I'll see you in a little bit." "Mom." "I need to talk to you for a sec." "I don't have time." "I don't wanna be late for Pastor Phil." "But I just..." "I want to talk now." "If it's important now, it'll be important after church, right?" "Yeah..." "Clean yourself up a little, this is a nice church." "And now the Pastor Phil!" "Hello." "There's a new born King." "Hallelujah!" "Hallelujah!" "Praise Him!" "Hallelujah!" "Praise Him!" "Talk to Him, lady!" "Glory to the new born King!" "Hallelujah!" "Please be seated." "I've been given a note." "The Walshes performed the role of Mary and Joseph for the last three years they've done a great job, but some didn't agree." "So, we'll need a pair of volunteers to perform the roles of Mary and Joseph." "You should do it." "What?" "No, I won't get in front of a bunch of strangers." "You're staged trained." "You played Pippin in High School." "No." "I wasn't Pippin, I was in Pippin." "I played a tree because I had a bad stage fright, remember?" "This seems like I'm putting you on the spot and in fact I am." "Honey, Pastor Phil needs you." " I'm not gonna do it." " A volunteer?" "Or do I still need a volunteer?" "Kate will play the Virgin Mary." "What?" "Hallelujah!" "The cure of the world!" "I just said I wouldn't." "Hallelujah!" "Kate, you stand up!" "Stand up, please!" "Look at the joy you've brought to this congregation by your volunteering to be Mary." "Hello." "I still need a Joseph." "Brad, be Joseph." "Not staged trained." "I never played Pippin." "It's not the performance." "You have to get up." " I don't wanna be alone." " It's not gonna happen." "Brad, you stand up!" "You're a part of this, Brad!" "Listen, Brad." "I need to look out for me up there." "Because I'm starting to get like really nervous." " That stage fright thing." " How do I look?" " What do you think?" " You look fine." "I'm trying to..." "My man's skirt, is it short or is okay?" " Honestly." " Little short." "Okay, here's Jesus." "They don't use a doll?" " Here are your scripts." " Scripts?" " I'm not ready for scripts..." " Hi, Jesus." "No one said there'll be lines..." " Hi, Jesus." " Actually, his name's Bernard." "Okay." "Hi, Bernard." "Okay, I got lines." "I gotta try to get my voice ready." "Red leather." "Yellow leather." "Red leather." "Yellow leather." "This is a good baby." "Look at this baby." "Baby, baby Jesus is really kind of cute." "This child is a blessing to the both of us." "Really?" "What, do you think I should do it bigger?" "Should I do: "This child's a blessing for the both of us." "I'm not angry." "I'm inspired." "Oh, my God." "There's so many ways to play this thing." "Can I ask you a question seriously?" "My wife is pregnant, but is not my child." "But I'm cool with it because God got her pregnant?" "Are we ready to see the result of that immaculate conception?" "Hallelujah!" "Brad, I don't feel good." "You should hold the baby." "Sweetheart, I gotta get ready." "Just remember:" "acting is reacting." "And Joseph and Mary, went from Galilee and out of the city of Nazareth." "Okay, find your truth." "I'll finish this bitch." "Brad." "I can't do this." "Check it out, baby." "They're getting my walk." "Because there was no room, they stayed in the stable." "And Mary wrapped the baby in swaddling clothes and placed him in a manger." "And Mary wrapped the baby in swaddling clothes and placed him in a manger." "Put it in it." "Brad, help me swaddle." "Gotta save my line., losing the audience." "It's death out there." "Come on, Mary!" "This child is a blessing for the both of us." "Amen!" "That's right!" "Your line." "I forgot my line." " What?" " I forgot my line." "Thank goodness I memorize yours too." "We shall name him Jesus." "Glory to God!" "And peace on earth to the highest point on earth!" "This thing isn't big enough to swaddle him." "Someone's got to give a performance." "I'm nervous." "I can't feel my legs." "Don't do this." "It'd appear that my wife is better at making babies than swaddling them, no?" "Yes?" "Brad, you're wearing the swaddling cloth on your belt." "Woman, do your job and swaddle this baby!" "Brad, I can't." "You're wearing the swaddle around your belt!" "Enough!" "This child's life is now in jeopardy." "Unfit mother, give me this baby." "And I, Joseph, shall swaddle this baby!" "And I, Joseph, will protect this child." "Forgive her, son for she knows not what she's done!" "Yeah!" "Hallelujah!" "That's the message of Christmas." "Hallelujah!" "Hallelujah!" "Brad, that was...!" "All is calm." "All is bright." "Round you Virgin Mother and Child." "Holy infant so tender and mild." "I know how Celine Dion feels after one shows." "You give, you're not getting a lot back." " I got back to you." " You feel like Celine Dion?" "How do you calm down of such a high?" "It's difficult to do that." "I can't believe you threw me down in front of the congregation." "You're thinking about you." "I was thinking about the entire show." "Frankly, with you there I brought the thing home." " My God." " I did." " ls this how it's gonna be?" " What?" " What are you saying?" " I'd like to know you'll be for me in a crisis." "If we're on a plane, it's going down." "I passed out, and say:" ""Put on your oxygen mask."" "I'd like to know that you'd put mine on, before yours." "I wouldn't." "FAA wouldn't want me to do it either." " I'm not..." "FAA?" " lf you'd listen..." " What?" " Do you ever listen?" "Or are you too busy moving your BlackBerry?" " I listen to the stewardesses." " When they say that you're supposed to put your mask on in an emergency before you try to help out a child." " I've heard her." " lf you pass out you're not helping." ""Put the mask on this one."" "Now I'm passed out." "I won't help anybody." "It's not the point." "What is the point?" "Sorry, I got this wrong." "What's your point?" "We're not connecting." "It's like you're not present." "I have been present." "I've been here all day." "We've been doing things alongside." "I'd like for us to do things together." "Kate, you're upset with your family and you're taking it out on me." "They've been my family for years." "This is not about my family, it's about you and me." "I just..." "I just want something." " Merry Christmas." " Mom!" " I've missed you!" " Good to see you, Mom!" "It's been so long." " And you must be Kate." " Yes." "She's a darling." " Thanks." "Nice to meet you." " It's wonderful." " Should I call you..." " Just call me Paula." " Just Paula." " Okay." "I'm so glad you came." "You've been taking good care of him." "Hasn't missed many meals." " That's great." " He likes a snack." " I do like the snack." " Yes, he does." "Come on in and relax." "I've fixed all of your favorite dishes, Bradford." "Denver and Susan are watching TV." "Let's sit here and catch up for a minute." " Your house is beautiful." " Thank you." "This is gorgeous." "Bradford lived with me after the divorce." "Denver and Dallas were comfortable with Howard." "But Bradford was the more sensitive type." " I was thinking..." " We're best friends." "Just inseparable." "God, he breastfed until he was five." "Thought I'd take him to college." "Okay, we had enough..." "The only who was on my tits more was a professor that I dated." "Could you not say "tits"?" " Hey, kids." " Okay, this is Darryl." "Hi, nice to meet you." "It is so nice to meet you, young lady." "And always great to see you, big guy." "Hey, how was traffic getting out here?" "Can I get your gas money?" "I'd like to get your gas money." "Actually, I don't need you to get my gas money." "Thank you." "I make more than you do." " So, no thank you." " Bradford, be nice." "It's okay, sweetie." "Look Brad I'm not trying to be your father." "You got one of those." "I'm just hoping for chance to be your friend." "You're my friend, Darryl." "You're my best friend." "We grew up together, we rode bikes." "Used to smell each other's hands." "You're sleeping with my mom, it's weird." "Can you appreciate that?" "I never had a sexual thought about her until I was 30." "Leave it alone." "You can't be my friend anymore." "You can't be sleeping with my mom..." " ...and still be my friend." " Thirsty." "Kate, what can I get you to drink?" " I'm good." " Your mother..." " ...is a very sexual being." " She's a very what?" "She's a great lover." "Say that again and I'll bust your mouth open." "Hey, look it." "This is Christmas and we're not gonna go there." "Kate's been kind enough to send us some games." "We're gonna play them and we'll have fun." "Okay?" "Why are you staring while eating?" "That's uncomfortable." "Don't eat those brownies." "Those are Grandma's special brownies." "Kate, could you be a lamb and explain the rules?" "Of course." "So, you try to get your team mate to say the word on the top but can't say any of the words listed." "And if you say any of the words..." " ...then you get buzzed." " Okay." "That makes sense?" "I'm so excited to have all here to play this game." "It's gonna be fun." "Hey, it's good to have my friend back." "So, who wants to go first?" " I'll go." " Okay." "Brad, why don't you buzz your mom..." " ...and then I'll do the timer." " Okay." "Thanks." "On your mark, get set, go!" "Okay, this is a town in France." "What?" " Can't say "France"." " Don't buzz me." "It's the same for everybody." "It's okay." "Do the next card." "Okay." "This me, I'm a..." "Cradle robber." " What did he say?" " Keep going." "Don't worry." "You're a therapist." "Go." " No, not Capricorn but..." " Libra." "Yes!" "It's fun." "Okay." "This is what you dripped on me." "Wax!" "No, after that." "It's brown." "Make this stop, please." "Chocolate." "No, before that!" "After the wax!" " The syrup!" " Yes!" "Way sticky, I wouldn't recommend that." " Okay." " Okay, time." "Time." " Good job." "Good job." " We only got two." "Who wants to go next?" " We'll go." " Okay, great." "I'll do the buzzer." "Are you gonna eat while you play that?" " Flip the tube." " Excuse me?" "Flip the tube." "Okay." "On your mark, get set, go!" " Capital of China." " Hong Kong." "Yes." "Thing next to your bed on the night stand." " A sock." " Yes." "Helped you come up with this, you're drunk and came home from the bar last Thursday." " Alibi." " Yes." "The thing I'm not allowed to wear to Supercross." " Mini skirt." " Yes!" "Me and you dry humping on the beach." " A screensaver." " Yes, baby!" "This game is so easy." "The only man I'm allowed to cheat on you with." " John Grisham." " Yes!" " Mexican dude." " Ricardo Montealban." " Yes!" " Time." " Right here." "Right here!" " Come on!" "Okay, this is like an attack video." "There's other people uncomfortable." "Stop." "Oh, God." "You guys got a lot." "How many was that?" " Seven." " Seven." " Can you do the buzzer?" " Yeah!" "We can do this, baby." "You ready?" "Yeah." "Let's light a fire." " Ready?" "Go!" " Okay." "The thing I'm most scared of." " Snakes." " No, no." " Thing I'm most scared of." " Jump-jumps!" "4 year-olds." "This scares me to my core." "Come up with something." "Use a lifeline." "Spiders." "I'm scared of spiders." "You don't have to say the answer." "You can say "eight-legged animal" or "superhero"..." " Can't say superhero!" " Mom, I'm not the one..." "Try again." "In high-school, my senior year spring break I was in Cancun, wearing this bikini top..." " Tourists." "Skinny." " No, no, no." " Thin?" " No, at the bar." " I was shaking around..." " Dancer." " My stuff fell out." " Your what fell out?" "My stuff fell out." "Everybody said when I went to the bar:" ""Oh, here comes..."" "Peek-a-boo." "Peek-a-boo." "Okay, honey, you can say, like, "look" or..." " Can't say "look"." " I don't have the card." "I'm giving examples." "I have a thing here." " See..." " Can't say "see"!" "I'm explaining the game." "Can't say "game"!" "Mom, the answer's been said." "She said the answer." " Let's do the next one." " Okay." " Let's... you know?" " I get it." "Okay, this is something you would eat..." " ...you put it on a barbecue." " Chicken." " My favorite." " Beef." "Can't say "beef"!" "I'm not saying the things!" " Get that?" "Just shush." " Can't say "shush."" "Okay, Mom, I can say "shush."" " You can't say "shush."" " Kebab." "It's kebab." "It says I can't say "shish"!" "Shish." "Shish." "Shish." "I'd say it, I don't have it." "There's this thing so that I can't see what it is." "Let's just move on." "Our time's up." "What's this attitude?" "I don't have any." "I've shut down." "She buzzes me, I'm trying to explain to you how to play the game, you don't get the best ways to play and I'm shutting down." "I wanna talk to you about something." "I know what you want to talk about." "You do?" "I don't want you to apologize because love means never having to say "I'm sorry." You know?" "For the record, I do forgive you." "When you're playing board games you shouldn't go so conceptual, go more literal." " How else will...?" " No, Brad." "I took a pregnancy test today." "You took what?" "I took a pregnancy test today." "At my mom's." "It was in my sister's bag I was in the bathroom, I was late and I thought I should probably take a test." " Honey, you pulled the goalie?" " What?" "Can't pull the goalie without checking." "I did not." "That's not what this conversation is about." "What?" "What am I missing here?" "Relax, Brad." "It was negative." "I'm not pregnant." "Why don't you just hit me with that from the start?" "Instead of making me take laps around the anxiety pool." "What is this reaction?" "If there's one thing we've learned from being around our families it's of the dangers of procreating." "That's not the things we want in life." "Brad, I realized it today." "I thought I'd always known I didn't want to have kids." "Took this test I'm waiting for positive or negative and I thought..." "I felt different." "You know?" "I felt hopeful." "Maybe it would happen and we'd be forced to get over our fears." "We've spent so much time creating these boundaries and making sure we don't limit ourselves with responsibility and I don't wanna live like that anymore." "That's not loving at all." " ls that an eighties song?" " No, Brad." " An eighties song?" " I'm tired of being one foot in." "I want us to be open, love each other however it's going to be." "If it means we get married or if we have kids I feel like that's okay." "I wanna be in a relationship that goes where it needs to go." "Okay." "I'd like the relationship to go to Fiji." "Brad, this is very important." "I wanna have this conversation." "I don't want to." "I don't wanna have it." "I feel the same when we first met." "I've been honest." "I don't want a conversation about it because I don't want those things." "Okay." "You don't have to come in." "I'm not going to let you go in yourself." "I'll have my sister drive me back." "We'll go and I'll drive you home." "I'm not gonna go and pretend we're something we're not." "I can't do that anymore." "Listen to me, please." "Let's not overreact to this." "I'm not overreacting, Brad." "I get it." "I'm the one changing the rules." "If you don't want to change them with me, I understand." "I just can't do this anymore." "Honey?" "Coming in?" "Hey, Dad." "She made it!" "Auntie Kate!" "Auntie Kate!" "Merry Christmas again!" "Hi, Kasi." "Merry Christmas." "Come see the cool stuff Grandpa Creighton got me!" "Okay." "Hi, I'm Cheryl, your dad's girlfriend." " Nice to finally meet you." " Excuse me." " Hey, Kate!" " Hi, Mom." "I got a Dora the Explorer backpack a matching Dora thermos, a big girl necklace and princess shoes!" "Hey, guys!" "Hi, Auntie Kate." "Where's Brad?" "Kasi, why don't you go tell grandpa thanks for all your new toys?" "You'd better go or I'm going to tickle." "Go!" "This is amazing." "Dad and Mom in the same room?" "They hated each other." "They've been getting together for stuff since Kasi turned one." "It must be really nice for Kasi." "It's really nice for everyone." " Where is Brad?" " He's not going to make it." "If it's all the same I'd really just rather not talk about it." " I'm sorry." "I didn't realize..." " It's okay." "It's not something I want to get into right now." "We won't talk about him." "I have a great idea!" "Internet dating." "Do it." "It's great." "You just pay 20 bucks, you put in your profile." "Susan, next door, did it." "She found her husband." "It's great." "He doesn't have a job, they're on it." "You should do it!" " I'll think about that." " Yes." "I'm gonna take a minute." "Okay." "I got your back." "Gotcha." "Thanks." "Hi, kiddo." "Hey, Dad." "Did Brad leave to get a jumpstart on inoculating babies in Burma?" "What?" "Maybe he's making sock monkeys for foster kids?" "Or weaving ponchos for pregnant women in the Yucatan?" "So, I guess you knew we were lying?" "Oh, boy." "Unfortunately, I've had a lot of experience bending the truth to avoid my family." "And I'll tell you, honey." "I would give anything to have that time back again." "I would too." "It's taken me a lot of years and several divorces to learn that nothing really beats being honest." "Honest about who you are, what you need all the rest tends to work itself out." "I was honest and I think he was too." "It wasn't what I wanted to hear." "Cheryl made the dressing and I did some of the cooking too." "I put the ice cubes in the glasses and salt in the saltshakers." "All right, well." "Not long ago, I wouldn't have been able to put this group of people together in my wildest imagination." "The changes we've all been through the little hurts we've given each other we hope we're forgiven for them." "We thank you, dear Lord because there's nothing more important than family." " Amen." " Amen." "Amen." "What the hell do you want?" "You forgot your tampons?" "I didn't forget anything." "Just came by to see you." "What for?" "You already destroyed my TV and family room." "You want to bust up my kitchen as well?" "Look, I'm sorry about that, Dad." "I didn't mean to do all that." "Where's tiny?" "She didn't come?" "Kate she's not with me." "Finally smelled the pathetic on you, did she?" "No." "In fact, she said she wanted to get more serious with me." "She said that you know, she loved me wanted to see herself having a family with me having kids with me." "Congratulations." "That's what you wanted to hear?" " I said no, Dad." " You what?" "I told her I don't want to get married." "Are you shitting me?" "I'll be damned." "I'll be damned." "That's my boy." "I always knew you were the smart one, Lando." "Your mind and spirit are strong, like mine." " Yeah." " Yeah." "It's always the one you fight with the most who is the most like you." "Why are we standing out here for?" "Let's go inside, have a drink." "Man to man." "Father to son." " Right." "Merry Christmas." " Merry Christmas." "You're a big boy now." "Let's go in." "Take appraisal of the damage you've done." "Would anyone like anything else?" " No, no." " This one's out." "Dad, can you check on Jackson?" " Yeah." "The blanket." " He's got the pillow." " This is hers?" " Yeah." "Hey." "Okay, listen." "If you get one, get two because they're like dogs." " What are you talking about?" " Kids." "If you leave one by itself, you'll never leave." "You'll feel guilty being there by itself." "With two, they got someone to play with." "The other big thing is school." "A private school?" "Then you got sweater vests and lacrosse coming at you." "But in a public school there's an older student, who's hyperactive hopped up on medication, and will try to shank the guy." "That's uncomfortable." "Are you having this conversation 'cause you're comfortable?" "Or because you wanna go to Fiji?" "I wanna go to Fiji." "The tickets are paid for and hotel rooms aren't transferable." "But, honey, I do feel comfortable now having this conversation because in my heart I know I've found the one person in life that I want to have these conversations with." "And that person's you." " I love you so much." " Come here." "This, like, doesn't mean we're getting married..." " ...or having kids right away." " No." "But we should talk, because these things happen." "Not that we're planning on it." "We're talking; that happens." "And if we do have them, then, you know..." " ...there's a lot of advantages." " Yeah." "They're wonderful." "They make you feel love." "Also, they're little walking tax shelters." "You can write a lot of stuff off." "Yeah, and the yard work." "You save money." "At a certain age, you can have them on the lawnmower." " When they're seven." " Not slave labor." " No, no." " It's teaching discipline." " Chores for money." " We're not planning the future." "We would've ended up in a home playing Bingo in Florida." "Now we can live with them." " They'll take us in." " Exciting." "I never thought it." "Feel comfortable to talk to me about anything you want to talk about." "Unless there's, like, a playoff game." "We can find an appropriate time." " I'm kidding." "Kind of." " Okay." "Just to be clear, this doesn't mean we're getting married soon or having kids right away." "But we're open to let love grow where it wants to grow." " Exactly." " We're open to letting it grow." "Doesn't mean kids." " I can't believe we did it." " We did." "I don't know what happened, or the procedure but here's this beautiful thing here." "You know?" "I did feel like an air traffic controller." "Between the huffs, and the signals and stuff it just kind of all happened." "It's awesome, baby." "You're so awesome." "You were amazing." "You were like this." " Thanks, babe." " We have a baby!" " How's she doing?" " Good." "Sleeping." "I just wanted to let you and our new year's baby know that you're welcome to bring family members now." " That won't happen." " No, no family." "Your families don't know?" "I think they'd be shocked to hear Kate was pregnant." "Our families can be a little much." "I like to think that we're keeping it special for us rather than not including them." "Happy New Year, Bay Area!" "We're here live at Pacific General where the first baby, has just been born!" "Let's go say hello to those lucky parents!" "Congratulations, McVie family on having the first baby of the New Year!" "Dad, how does it feel?" "We're doing great." "There was... a vacuum." "And then there was stretching and juices." "What he's trying to say is we're just beyond words excited." "Oh, goodness." "I got some in my mouth!" "I can't be around it!" "I'm gonna do it too!"