"All right, everybody, you're welcome in my home, unless you sit in my chair, touch my remote, or are married to me." "Frank, that's how you talk after church?" "Yeah." "My prayers weren't answered." "Next time, pray for hair." "I hate to break it to both of you, but God stopped listening to you guys a long time ago." " What's for brunch, Marie?" " Ham." "Excellent." "I shall put on my ham pants." "We're going outside." "Okay, but stay out of the mud." "I don't want you getting your nice clothes all-- oh, at least they're gone." "You want some help in the kitchen, Marie?" "Oh, thank you, Amy." " Yeah, I'll help, too." " Oh... okay." "Don't lean too far into the oven, lady." "So Father Hubley had a wonderful sermon today, don't you think?" "Yeah yeah, the old guy can still bring the heat." "Liar." "I saw you sleeping through the whole thing." "No." "No no, I heard it." "Yeah?" "Okay, what was it about?" "It was about the sins of sticking your big ugly face in other people's business." "Have fun in hell, Raymond." "You'll be bartending there, don't worry about it." "I'm gonna be bartending upstair-- damn it!" "Good morning." "Does Frank Barone live here?" "What did he do?" "Nothing." "I-I'm just an old friend." "Friend?" "Are-are you his family?" "Who wants to know?" "Yeah." "Yeah yeah, he's our father." "I'm Ray." "This is Robert." "Well, my name's Sam Gilula." "I haven't seen Mr. Barone in about 25 years." "He's a great man, your father." "Did you say Frank Barone?" "Yeah." "When I was a teenager, I used to work after school at the same company as your father." "He was a real mentor to me." "Mentor?" "You sure you don't mean tormentor?" "Damn it, Marie." "The elastic is completely shot on these pants." " Mr. Barone?" " Who are you?" "Sam Gilula!" ""Sammy boy" from Pelk Accounting?" "Oh my God!" "Sammy... aren't you a sight for sore eyes?" "Bet it's nice to see those pants again, huh, Sam?" "It's great to see you again, Mr. Barone." "How about this kid, huh?" ""Mr. Barone" he calls me." "You two never called me that." "Sammy boy, what have you been up to?" "Well, actually, I'm finally going into business for myself, opening up my own office-supply store right here in Lynbrook." "Maybe you've seen the signs" ""The Office Supply Bin-- Bin there, bought that."" "Yeah... yeah, I know that sign." "It's right next to the billboard with the bikini lady riding the beeper." "Yeah." "So, anyway, since I was in the neighborhood," "I just wanted to come by and thank you for being such an inspiration to me all those years ago." "I owe a lot to you." "Don't mention it, kid." "You like ham?" "Come on, strap on a feedbag." "Thanks, but no, I've got to get back to the store." "We open in a week, and I've got a ton to do." "But it would mean a lot to me if you'd come by and see the place sometime." "Well, yeah." "Well, how about right now?" "Really?" "Dad, we're just about to sit down to eat." "I don't wanna take you away from your family." "Yeah yeah." "I'll go put on a nicer shirt." "I can't imagine what it must've been like growing up with a dad like him." "You wanna take this, or should I?" "It was a magical carpet ride." "You know, it's funny, the whole time I knew him, he only ever mentioned having two girls." "Well, I mean, that Sam seemed nice enough." " Yeah." " I guess, but what I don't get is-- how come we never heard about him before?" "Dad never mentioned Sam to you, Ma?" "Not a word." "What if it turns out that Sam is Frank's illegitimate son?" "Hey, yeah!" "Maybe Frank's one of those guys with a secret life." "You know, like maybe he's got another family in Florida." "That would be the only family in Florida trying to escape to Cuba." "That's good." "I gotta say, Dad really seemed to like that guy." "No no." "Your father doesn't like people." "Hey, everybody." "Look what I got at The Supply Bin." "Hey." "Here you go, kids." "Have fun with these." "What do you got?" "Hey, you should see Sam's place." "You know how many different kinds of envelopes he's got there?" "85." "32." "Don't be a wise-ass." "These are jazzy." "I'd better get back." "It was really nice to meet you all." " Okay, bye." " Bye-bye." "Oh, and thanks again, Mr. Barone." "It was really great to be able to talk with you again." "Okay, Sammy, I'll be by the store real soon." "All right, great." "Bye, now." "Marie, ham." "On the table congealing." "You know, Frank, just out of curiosity, what exactly did you do to inspire this fellow?" "I don't know." "I guess I just have that effect on people." "I think Sam's been spending too much time sniffing the Magic Markers." "Hey, knock it off." "He's a real good guy." "I'd like to know something:" "Who is he, Frank?" "Who is he?" "I told you, he's a kid who used to hang around the office." "How come you never told me about him?" "I don't know." "Just tell me, is he your son?" "What?" "!" "Oh, Marie!" "We were just joking about that." "Who was it, Frank?" "Harriet Lichtmann?" "Oh, come on!" "Is this boy really Sammy Lichtmann, your love child?" "Love child?" "!" "You're nuts, lady!" "Oh, yeah?" "You think I don't see he's bald?" "You missed brunch today." "You missed a ham, Frank." "And in 47 years of marriage, you have never turned your back on pork!" "Calm down, Marie." "What the hell is going on?" "!" "Nothing, Dad." "It's just funny that you had such an effect on this guy." "I mean, he's even saying that you were his mentor." "So?" ""So." Okay, here we go." "What's so funny?" "I can be very inspiring." "Oh, now he's inspiring, okay." "Hey hey, stop laughing, you morons." "All right, sorry, Dad." "No, you're great, you're great." "You should tour the country spreading the Frank Barone gospel" ""Close Your Mind and Open Your Pants!"" ""Hygiene and Other Wastes of Time."" ""Find Yourself-- Just Follow the Smell."" "You know what?" "We could make some money if he goes on tour-- charge $10 to get in." "$20 to get out!" "Ah!" "Okay, fellas, I think that's enough." "It is Sunday." "No no no, it's fine." "You two are a real pair of jokers." "I'm glad I came home for this!" "Marie, I'm gonna have brunch at the lodge!" "You know, why did I worry?" "Who else would sleep with him?" "So, how are you?" "Fine." "Yeah?" "You sure?" "What, are you trying to kick things off here?" "No." "No, I just wanted to talk to you." "Oh, I'm kind of reading." "I just thought you and Robert seemed a little upset today." "Well, no, we weren't upset." "No?" "About your dad being so friendly with that Sammy guy?" "What do we got to be upset about?" "It was funny." ""Close Your Mind, Open Your Pants!"" "I just-- I made that one up." ""We'll charge them 20--" that one we've done before." "We've done that one." "Oh, and this whole thing doesn't bother you?" "No..." "look, what are you looking for, okay?" "I-I know you like to think that I'm a lot more complicated than I seem, but please, trust me, nothing much going on up there, okay?" "Really." "See, look, listen." "There's very little in there." "It's just a couple of golf balls knocking up into a pair of breasts." "That's it." "So, you know, could you go analyze somebody else, Dr. Quack, 'cause I'm fine." "Okay." "I'm sorry." "By the way, what was that crap about mentoring?" "I mean, you know how he mentored me and Robert?" "He'd say, "Quit being a baby and suck it up!"" "That's right." ""Suck it up, Nancy!"" "Those were his great words of support, second only to: "Get off your pity pot, and act like a man!"" "I heard that when I was four, the first time I fell off my bike." "You know, maybe" "And then he goes and he hugs this guy." "What is he doing hugging this guy?" "You know when he hugged me?" "The closest he ever came was when he wrapped his arms around me to drag me away from a cake he wanted, you know?" "And it was my birthday." "You know, Ray, l" "He's hugging this guy!" "What the hell is that?" "!" " Ray?" " What?" "!" " You wanna have sex?" " No!" "Yes!" "So, Mom, did Dad and/or the ham ever come back?" "One came back inside the other." "You don't need to make me lunch, Marie." "I'm taking Sam to the lodge to meet the boys." "Frank, wait." "What do you want?" "Amy and I think that you and Ray and Robert need to talk." "Whoa whoa." "No, we don't." "We never said that." "Yes, you do." "You wanna talk about this whole Sam situation." "You wanna clear the air and get out your feelings." "Debra and I discussed it at the mall." "I hate that damn mall." "Ray, why don't you start by telling your father some of the things you were telling me last night?" " You too, Robert." " I don't need to." " Yes, you do." " No, I don't." "Then why'd you punch a hole in the headboard last night?" "I thought I heard a mouse back there." "It's a good idea, Robert." "Tell your father how he failed you." "I don't wanna hear it." "I'll be at the lodge." "No, wait, Frank." "What's troubling your sons is that it seems you're able to achieve a level of intimacy with a stranger that they so desperately" " No!" " Okay okay..." "Don't say that." "Nobody talks like that." "Then you say it!" "Come on, tell him, Raymond, tell him." "Okay, it's just... we couldn't help noticing that-that... you really like this Sam guy and you were an inspiration to him and everything, and we... kind of got jack." "Squat." "Jack squat." "Jack squat-- give me a break." "Frank, maybe this is the attitude" "Stop!" "This is the attitude!" "The same jack-squat attitude that proves the thesis of our discontent." "I don't know what you're talking about, but it sounds like fruity whining to me." "Well, we're not whining, we're pissed off." "Yeah, he's pissed off!" "You never gave us the time of day, so how do you think it makes us feel we find out there's a kid out there that you're actually nice to?" "Maybe he was actually nice to me!" "Did you ever think of that?" "!" " What?" " He was nice to me!" "He respected me!" "You guys never did!" "How could we respect you?" "How could we respect a guy who looks at you and says," ""Stop brushing your teeth so loud." "I'm trying to watch 'Gunsmoke"'?" "You did brush loudly, Robert." "Are you helping' me, Ma?" "I was a great father." "Oh, yeah yeah yeah." "You gave us great inspiration, great advice" ""Quit crying!" "You got plenty of blood!"" ""Don't screw up-- you're big." "Everyone will notice more!"" "You're done?" "Goodbye!" "Wait!" "You can't leave this way!" "Out of my way, sister." "I may be new here, but I know this family well enough to know that you boys love each other, and I know exactly what you need." "What are you doing?" "He'll eat you." "I think you boys need to hug." " What?" "!" " Agh!" "I'm getting out of here!" "You hugged Sam Lichtmann, you can hug your sons." "I hadn't seen him for 30 years." "If you people go away for 30 years," "I'll hug you too!" "I don't wanna be hugged." "All right, I think Marie and Amy are right." "A lot of the problems in this family wouldn't exist if there was a little more hugging and a little less yelling." "So Frank, hug your sons!" "Get over there." " Get off me!" " What are you doing?" "I'm uncomfortable with this!" "Trust me, you need this." "Open yourself up to genuine affection." "Your wife is so queer." "I know." "Okay, come on, let's go." "Put your arms around each other, come on." "I'm late for lunch." "The lodge will know I'm missing." "You'd better hope that your lodge is open for three meals a day for the rest of your life." "If you don't hug these boys, my kitchen is closed." "This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." "Marie, I want steak tonight!" "All right, could we stop?" "The smells from my childhood are starting to come back." "Did we have a monkey?" "Hi." " Hey." " Hello." "Sorry to interrupt..." "whatever you were doing, uh, but your grandson told me you were here." "Hey, thanks, Geoffrey." "All right, let's get going to the lodge." "Actually, I can't go." "There's trouble down at the store." "What gives?" "The building inspector slapped me with 18 code violations." "It's really bad." "Oh, that's a pity." "It's a complete disaster." "I've gotta tear up the concrete floor, redo the electrical." "My investors are gonna kill me." "I just feel like shutting the whole thing down." "Hey, man, that really is too bad." "Yeah, sorry about that." "Aw, boo hoo, woe is me." "Oh, Frank!" "You know what I think?" "I think you ought to get off your pity pot and act like a man." "I mean it." "Give me a break, Nancy." "That isn't very nice, Frank!" "What did I always tell you?" " "Quit crying and suck it up."" " What?" " Quit crying and suck it up!" " That's right." "Quit crying and suck it up, you whiny baby!" "Dad" " Dad, what are you doing?" "You're right, Mr. Barone." " Ho ho, whoa whoa!" " Excuse me?" "I'm being a wimp." "I can handle this!" "Okay, then quit blubbering." "You're making me sick." "Yeah!" "You see, this is what I love about this man." "My own father candy-coated everything." ""Oh, you're great." "You can do anything." "I love you--"" "blah blah blah blah." "Thank you, Mr. Barone." "I'm hungry." "You two mooks wanna get something to eat at the lodge?" "Yeah." "Why not?" "You don't have to go to the lodge." "I have a lot of food here I can make." "Oh, that's funny, Debra." "Come on, I've got some nice big steaks across the street." "Oh!" "Steak it is!" "Did that hurt your feelings a little?" "Well, stop your crying and get off your pity pot, Nancy!" "You really are queer."