"Me and Randy love watching old war movies." "But, sometimes, they'll trick you." "You think it will be cool gunfights and explosions, but then you end up just getting uncomfortable." "Oh, my God, Johnny, they shot you." "Ricky... tell Mom I said good-bye." "You can't die, Johnny, you're my only brother." "I'm sorry..." "I just want to tell you one thing before I go, Ricky." "I love you." "See, Randy and I are as close as two brothers can be." "We've just never actually said" ""I love you."" "I know it's hard to hear... and Lord knows it's hard to say, but sometimes, brothers need to tell each other those simple words." "I love you." "Oh, God, Johnny, why do brothers wait till the end of their lives to say these things ?" "I love you too, Johnny." " I'm going to go drop a deuce." " I'm gonna go squish bugs." "You ever tell your brothers or sisters that you love them ?" "There's one I would say it to, two who would say it to me, but I would not say it back." "One who would interpret it sexually and three I cannot locate since the flood." "Hi, um..." "I need to use your car to go to Henderson." "Subaru's got ants in it again." "Oh, you just need to find where the queen lives." "Queen lives on a Blow Pop under the driver's seat." "Every time I reach for it, all her soldiers attack me." "It's just a Blow Pop." "They'll be done with it in a few days." "They got like a million tongues." "Can't wait." "Stupid deaf lawyer's got me driving all over the state, getting people to drop the various restraining orders they got against me." "Says it will help me in court." "Who's in Henderson, the girl in the wheelchair that you pushed down the hill ?" "No, that little line cutter lives in Nathanville." "Remember that cranky bat with a hearing aid that used to manage the trailer park ?" "Joy was speaking of Milly Banks." "Citation." "No LazyBoys on the lawn unless they match the color of the mobile home." " $20 ?" " Yep." "There goes your book money for the decade." "Citation." "Christmas light reindeer still on the lawn." "It's April." "What are you talking about ?" "That-That's an Easter pig." "Don't blaspheme the resurrection, jerk." " You got a citation for that, too ?" " Oh, you'll get your citation." "In hell." "Citation." "No speakers in your window on weekdays." "You can't even half hear out of the stupid hearing aid in your ear, anyway." " I can feel the bass notes." " I can feel the bass notes." " I got a bass note for you." " You know what ?" " This is America." " I think you like the bass notes." " In America, we lay low..." " Here, check this bass note..." "You like that, don't you... ?" "I hate her, Earl !" "I hate her like the Taliban hates freedom." "And how are we supposed to listen to heavy metal on a wimpy, little tape player ?" " It's craziness." " Today we can't have bass, tomorrow my illegal fireworks won't even be legal." "We got to fight back." "The plan was to lure Milly away from her preacher shows long enough to go steal stuff." "But you had to be extra sneaky about stealing from Milly." "Back off my bird seed, you tree rat." "Milly was packing heat." "You guys ready to do this ?" "Breaker One-Nine, this here's the Rubber Duck." "You gotta copy on me, Pigpen ?" "Come on !" "Nice." "Convoy." "They should make more movies out of country songs." "* We got a great big convoy * * rockin' through the night *" "* Yeah, we got a great big convoy *" "* Ain't she a beautiful sight ?" "*" "* Come on and join our convoy *" "* Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way *" "* We're gonna roll this truckin' convoy *" "* Across the U.S.A. *" "* Convoy *" "* Convoy. *" "Ten-four, Rubber Duck." "Pigpen's got his ears on." "You have to push the button down." "Can you hear me ?" "Hello ?" "Yes, I can hear you." "Who is that ?" "Is her hearing aid picking up my walkie-talkie ?" "Hello ?" "Is that you, Lord ?" "Oh, snap." "Go on, talk to her." "Be God." "Yes, it is I, God." "I was in the neighborhoodth, and I wanted to test thou's faith." "I am yours." "Test me as you will." "Puteth thy left foot in." "Puteth thy left foot out." "Puteth thy left foot in and shaketh it all about." "After the hokey-pokey, some toe touches and badly failed cartwheel, we put our powers to more practical use." "Now ripeth up all thy Mobile Home Owners Association citations." "And baketh yummy dessert items for thy neighbors." "It was fun being God." "But we found that great power came with great responsibility, including making sure the yummy desserts were yummy." "Do not maketh carrot cake." "The Lord hates carrot cake." "It is the devil's food, but that doesn't mean don't make devil's food cake." "I love that stuff." "On the sixth day, we went for the gold." "That's right, your gold and your silver." "Anything potable." "Give it to the blonde lady across the way with the nice rear end." "I'm a man." "I notice things." "That was our last commandment." "We had bled Milly dry." "I don't know why he asked me to give you this stuff." "He's mysterious." "He also makes hurricanes and gave nipples to men." "The important thing is you do what he tells you to." "Are you wearing earrings ?" "And from the seventh day on, we rested." "I'll get that signed for you." "I should probably go see Milly anyway." "She's on my list." ""Made a lady think I was God."" "Thanks, Earl." "When I was a child, there was a man who lived in a box by the dump who told me he was God." "How old were you when you realized he was just a crazy old homeless guy ?" "Please don't talk about God that way." "Hey, Darnell, you ever tell your sister you love her ?" "I said it once when I thought she was dead, but she was just passed out from low blood sugar." "I'm still glad I said it." "Now they have her on insulin, who knows when I'll get another chance." "We got up to Henderson late, 'cause Randy turned the directions into a paper airplane to see if it would lift the car off the ground." "It didn't." "And we lost the directions." "I brought Milly replacements for the things we stole." "I was hoping she'd see all that voice of God stuff as, well, a harmless prank." "What is this place a convent ?" "* We got a great big convent truckin' through... *" "Nuns." "Nuns." "Nuns." "Excuse me, uh, do you know a-a Milly Banks ?" "Sister Milly ?" "Yes, she's inside." "Sister Milly ?" "I bet nuns are awesome basketball players." "Especially the ones who can fly." "In addition to thinking nuns could fly" "Randy also thought they were pretty... but knew that that was wrong and tried hard not to focus on it." "Peace be with you." "Uh, we were told, uh, Milly Banks was here." " I-I guess she's a nun." " Milly's not just a nun." "No, no." "She's special." "She's His favorite." "We're all brides of God, Sister Kate." "He loves all of us." "But He only speaks to some of us." "Sister Milly heard the direct voice of God 12 times." "Three decades I've been here, all I ever got was a heat rash shaped like Palestine." "It was a reflective area and we weren't allowed to talk to each other." "So Randy couldn't tell me when he got distracted by the most beautiful room he'd ever seen." "We later learned those were prayer candles and not birthday wish candles." "Luckily, before blowing them out, he wished for everyone's prayers to come true." "There she is." "The Lord Whisperer." "* Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques *" "* Dormez-vous, dormez-vous *" "* La-la, la-la Tina *" "* La-la, la-la Tina *" "* Ding dang dong *" "* Ding dang dong. *" "N-Nun Milly ?" "Oh, my goodness." "I remember you !" "What a neat surprise !" "How is that cuddly brother of yours ?" "And that adorable bride ?" "I know." "I'm nice now." "Weird, huh ?" "I explained to Milly about Joy's restraining order, and she was happy to help out." "There you go." "I was a real turd in a hot tub back then, but now I throw birthday parties for orphans." "It's great, 'cause their parents really haven't spoiled them." "'Cause they don't have any." "That's touching." "I make all the cakes myself." "That's how I met little Celeste here." "I used to live in a storm drain." "Rain washed my doll heads away." "That sounds horrible." "I once lived in my car for two months." "Did you ever have to move 'cause a pack of stray dogs kicked you out of your house ?" "Let's not make this a contest." "Well, I'm glad I could help Joy." "You could bring her some cake, if you want to." "Well, actually, uh," "I'm not here just for Joy." "I-I'm here because, see, I got this list of all the bad things" "I've done to people, and, you see, that voice of God you were hearing ?" "That was..." "Well, that was me." "Yeah, right." "Did Sister Kate put you up to this ?" "I mean, the fact that the Lord talks to me really gets her habit in a wad." "Waxeth thy neighbor's El Camino." "Oh, my goodness." "Showeth thy hind quarters to the mailman." "Yeah, I get it." "I get it." "It was you." "Okay... that's good to know." "It was a nice trick." "I suppose I had it coming." "Man, you really got me." "You made me start a whole new life... based on lies." "Filthy, stinking, rotten lies." "You threw out my birthday cake." "Oh, like you've never eaten out of a trash can before." "Is there anyone on your list who wants a daughter ?" "I don't know." "Hold on." "Yeah, right here." "Oh, wait, uh... he wants a son." "Yeah." "I thought telling Milly the truth about pretending to be the voice of God would be a good thing." "But, instead of making things better well, it made things a lot worse." "She left the convent and moved back to the trailer park, and she was angrier than ever." "She kicked up more trouble than that tornado that took everyone's pets." "She stopped watching her preacher shows, washing her hair or watering her plants." "She didn't even enjoy her daily grilled cheese anymore." "And she seemed even angrier at squirrels." "Die... !" "It's wild." "You doing right actually did this lady wrong." "That's what I was thinking." "Only not worded clever like that." "Way to go, dummy." "Not only is Milly not canceling my restraining order, but now she broke Darnell's heart." "Tell him, Darnell." "Yeah, she... she, um... she..." "She evicted Mr. Turtle." "From his shell ?" "Well, that's where he lives." "Milly was an equal opportunity harasser." "She picked on all races, creeds and species." "Hey, shrub head." "That your turtle ?" "No one owns Mr. Turtle." "But he is my friend." "Well, your friend's gonna have to be gone by tomorrow." "There's no reptiles allowed in the trailer park." "Unless you want to make soup." "Joy !" "Yeah, now I got to find the little guy a foster home." "Earl, Earl, Earl, Earl." "Earl, Earl." " Yeah, we can be foster parents." " Yes !" "I love turtles." "I love turtles, too." "Especially you." "God, why do men wait so long to tell their turtles how they feel ?" "They need to say those simple words :" ""I love you."" "This sucks the big one, Earl." "I know ;" "I'm sorry, guys." "I feel awful about this." "The list is supposed to help people, not screw everything up and kick turtles out of their home." "Don't worry, Darnell, you can come over whenever you want, but give it a couple weeks we don't want to make this more confusing for him than it already is." "You should make her go back." "If everyone was happy when that lady was a nun, you have to make her go back." "Give her a sign or something, like a burning sheep walking through the middle of town." "That's what made my brother be a priest." "At the risk of agreeing with the maid, she's got a point." "I say we torch a sheep." "We're not torching a sheep." "But the whole sign thing isn't a bad idea." "We made her a nun the first time." "Maybe we can do it again." "We're going to have so much fun together, Mr. Turtle." "Can I call you by your first name ?" "He doesn't have one." "Then I'll give you one :" "Randy." "We needed to find a sign to put Milly back on the righteous path." "So we stole Bibles from the motel." "I'm telling you, we drive her down to SeaWorld and get a whale to swallow her." "That would be a sign." "Those are Shamu whales." "They'd chew her up first." "Fine." "What if we went down to SeaWorld and got the penguins to do a Nativity scene ?" "Randy, we're not going to SeaWorld." "I think we should go back to my locust idea." "I don't know, locusts are tricky." "You can't reason with them." "Got it !" "Right here." "We thought turning water into wine might be cool." "We hoped Milly would be as impressed as the people in ancient Jesus' time." "Unfortunately, a birdbath full of wine in a trailer park will last about as long as... well, a birdbath full of wine in a trailer park." "We found this incredible miracle in the Bible that Randy was really excited about trying." "Apparently, some guy named Balaam had a talking ass, and Randy couldn't wait to show Milly his." "Earl, wait." "Wait." "I just read the whole thing." "The ass was Balaam's donkey." "It was a talking donkey." "Randy, plan's off." "Abort." "I started to realize miracles are really hard." "I guess that's why they're usually just done by God and TV magicians." "Then, I had the answer." "Don't make the beard too long." "I know how to burn a Jesus face in a grilled cheese, Earl." "Suit yourself, he's just looking a little ZZ Top is all." "Fine." "I think it looks like Abe Lincoln." "If only we had a Stephen Douglas grilled cheese, we could make them debate." "Yeah." "I don't know who that is, but I love the idea of grilled cheese arguing." "After three hours of frying cheese, we finally got our magic sandwich." "Then we had to lure Milly away from hers." "Bass notes." "I never saw a real miracle, but I did see those movies where George Burns was God." "I knew that our sandwich needed a little extra something." "Whoa !" "What the..." "What are you doing in my house, messing with my stuff ?" "No, no, look, look, Milly." "I was outside and I heard this angel sound" "You know : * Ooh... * and I was drawn to it and behold Holy !" "No, Milly, look, hold on, it's a miracle Lord sandwich." "Ow !" "Man, that is not necessary." "Hey, Earl, think Milly's coming back." "I'm too young." "Oh." "You saved me, Mr. Turtle." "If it wasn't for you, I would have been shot." "Would you just stop it." "Stop being such a miserable, crazy bitch !" "I'm sorry for using the B-word, ma'am, but that's what you are, except at the convent." "There, you were sweet, and made cakes for mopey kids." "Because of a lie." "So ?" "Who cares how you got there ?" "You were nice." "You weren't shooting people in the earlobe and the forehead." "Run and get help, Mr. Turtle." "Faster." "Look, all we were doing was trying to make you a happy nun again by sneaking you a sandwich with Jesus on it." "That's crazy." "You want to know what's crazy." "People waiting for some big sign to push them into doing something they ought to be doing in the first place." "It's like me," "I'd still be a lowlife dirt bag if I wasn't hit by a car." "And you were a miserable B-word until you heard the voice of God." "What were we waiting for ?" "We could have been better people all on our own." "But whatever." "If you want to wait for a magic sign to go be happy, then good luck to you, lady." "I'm walking out now to go help my possibly-dying brother." "You can shoot me in the back of the head, if you want to." "You're my sign." "What ?" "You're my sign from above." "I was a lot happier at that convent, baking and stuff." "You were sent to put me back on my path." "Wow." "Weird." "I guess angels don't have to be beautiful." "Well, my whole point was that you shouldn't really need a sign, but... if me being a messenger from God works for you," "I'm cool with it." "When you go to nun's school do they give you any first aid training ?" "Like how to treat a head wound ?" "Apparently, they do." "* When you see the Southern Cross* * for the first time... *" "And like I always say, when you do good things, good things happen." "Like restraining orders being lifted." "* 'Cause the truth you might be runnin' from... *" "And turtles coming home." "I love you, Mr. Turtle." "* The promise of a coming day *" "* So I'm sailin' for tomorrow *" "* My dreams are a-dyin'... *" "And orphan girls reunite with their cake-baking friends." "And scary-looking dolls getting back their little heads." "Transcript :" "Raceman Synchro :" "Dingo" "And even though Milly needed a sign to do what she knew in her heart was right," "I wasn't going to wait any longer to do something" "I should have done a long time ago." "I love you, Randy." "I love you, too, Earl." " I got to go take a leak." " I'm going to go play with the radio."