"ANNOUNCER:" "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "[ALL CLAMORING]" "[♪]" "How do I look?" "It fits you like a glub." "Well, it seems a little baggy up here." "Lady, this is a third-world nation." "What do you want?" "Calbin Kleins?" "[SPEAKING IN SPANISH] you yutz!" "Okay, thanks a lot." "Ahh!" "Buenos días." "De nada." "Hello, El." "How was the war?" "Not..." "Not too bad, thanks." "It didn't go well?" "No, no, no, I didn't say that." "On the contraband, it went very well." "What happened?" "Oh!" "No, I'll get that, thank you." "Well, you see, first we stormed the walls of the city." "And then we climb over the walls, and we land on the sacred ground of the capital." "Oh!" "Then we screamed," ""Down with the communist regime." ""We come to liberate our land." "We will take back our city."" "Then we kill all the communist in the city, and we raise our flag, and boy am I lying, because we got creamed." "Oh, El, I'm so sorry." "What happened to your soldiers?" "Oh, my men fought valiantly and bravely." "Oh, that's wonderful." "For about two minutes." "Then they all ran away and changed sides." "Are you quite certain?" "Maybe they just got lost." "No, I tell you." "There I was running to the walls of the city like a moron, yelling and screaming." "And I looked behind, and everybody is getting fitted for communist uniforms." "Oh!" "Red, Red, Red, we lost." "We lost." "What am I going to do?" "Oh, El, don't be upset." "There'll be other revolutions." "Not for Carlos Marcello Davíd Escobar Rodriguez El Puerco Valdez, there won't." "We're through!" "There's no more fighting." "There are no more troops." "No, Red." "All that is left is me and Juan... and Juan... and Juan." "Who?" "Ah, Juan!" "Jess." "Yes?" "No, no, no." "Get Juan." "Which Juan?" "Juan One." "I am Juan One." "Then get me Juan Two." "Okay." "All right, that was Juan One." "I see." "He will take you to safety." "I will remain here and... await the inevitable." "El, I am surprised at you." "Waiting to be killed." "You should be staying alive and going on." "Those people took your land away from you." "Crummy, no?" "It's downright rude, El." "You cannot give up." "You have something to believe in." "You have a dream, El." "How many people in this world do you know that still believe in something, that still have a dream?" "You are a very special person." "Don't you know that?" "I say we fight." "You come home with me." "You come to Connecticut, America, and we'll fight the revolution from my house." "Jeez, you know, nobody's ever said that to me before." "Wow!" "You are wonderful, Red." "And of course you're right." "El Puerco cannot die." "El Puerco must live and fight so that others may die." "Juan One." "Get your comrades, Juan Two and Juan Three, and tell them to pack up." "We're going to Connecticut, America." "How do we get there, oh, Great Pig?" "We'll take two boats." "Juan Two and Juan Three will go in one boat with you Juan One." "Jess." "Yes?" "No, no, you and I will take another boat." "It will not be pleasant." "We will be freezing by night and boiling by day." "The sun will crack your skin, and..." "Well, your hair's gonna look like hell." "We may be shot, and we may be eaten up by sharks, but we will try." "You have given me renewed hope, red-haired one." "Yes." "I will get you to Connecticut, America, safe and sound, or... you will die trying." "Maybe I said too much." "Now, you've..." "You've been employed by this Mr. Tibbs ever since, is that correct?" "Yeah." "In what capacity?" "A hooker." "Ohhhhh!" "What I'm trying to determine for the record is what it is exactly that you do?" "I sell my body to men for money." "Oh!" "I'm terribly sorry." "I'm really sorry." "Look, Mr. D.A...." "Assistant D.A. Rollins." "Yeah, the D.A. has a mustache." "Oh, great." "Listen Mr. Assistant here, if you're finished, we got a lot of work right we gotta do." "Yeah, I think we have everything we need." "Woof!" "I'm going to make my report to the D.A., and we'll issue a warrant for Tibbs' arrest." "All right, that's it." "That's it." "What about Gwen?" "You and the sheriff take care of that, okay?" "All right, good, thanks." "We'll see you guys upstairs." "Tell the D.A. I'm on the way, right?" "Gwen." "Woof." "Thanks." "Man should be in a home." "Look Danny, Gwen, I'm gonna go see the real D.A." "Right, the one with the mustache." "Right, the guy with the 'stache." "All right, listen, Gwen..." "Thank you." "Oh, no, don't thank me." "You've been real nice." "Thank you." "Thank you." "And you, thank you." "Thank you." "But don't thank me, thank you." "Hey, Dan, wait a minute." "You solved it here, so thank you." "Thank you, but it's her." "Thank her." "I did, didn't I?" "I don't know, but thank you for asking." "Thank you." "No, no, you still didn't say thank you for the first thing you were supposed to say thank you for." "I've been thanked, thank you." "You're welcome." "You're welcome." "I gotta get out of here." "Listen, I'll see you in a little while." "Goodbye and, uh..." "Well, that's that." "Did I do okay?" "You did great." "I'm proud of you." "Really?" "Nobody has ever been proud of me before." "Are you scared?" "Yeah." "Well, one thing you should know about Deputy Dan is that when he says he'll protect and serve, he means he'll protect and serve." "A promise is a promise, Gwen, so don't worry, really." "Now, let's find you a place to live." "Danny?" "Yeah." "I just want to say that I think you're the most..." "Well, thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "[OMINOUS THEME PLAYING]" "Ah, Stunning piece, isn't it?" "It's overpriced." "Oh, be serious!" "I'm practically giving it away." "It's chipped." "Well, what do you expect?" "It's over 200 years old." "What do you think you are doing?" "Saunders, please, go away." "The drapes are a set, but I'd be willing to sell them separately." "I'm sorry, madam." "There's been a mistake." "There is no sale." "Saunders!" "What's going on here?" "The ad in the paper said..." "Pay no attention to him." "This is Saunders, our butler." "And that's Chester, the gardener." "He lives in the pool house." "Saunders!" "He's quite harmless, but he pulls these pranks from time to time." "Chester!" "Madam, I deeply regret your inconvenience." "Sir, I'm sorry, please." "I'll let you have the drapes 100 bucks." "I'll give you 50." "75 and they're yours." "Okay 50." "Wait." "[DOOR SHUTS]" "I have half a mind to deck you." "I dislike violence, but I'm awfully good at it." "Well, I'm certainly not going to stoop to your level." "Wise decision." "Daddy, were you selling mother's furniture?" "Eunice, we have run out of money." "We have to eat." "I'll give you 50 cents if you clean the oven." "I'd rather starve." "I can live with that." "Anyway, Dutch got a job today." "He's gonna bring home some money." "Eunice, he's working in a car wash." "We'll be lucky if he brings home 75 cents." "I'll just bet that rotten little witch Annie put you up to selling mother's things." "The rotten little witch isn't into influencing people." "I mean what's it to me if Chester wants to sell furniture?" "Oh, well, then you might have to get up off your duff and get a job." "Well, that's funny coming from you, Eunice." "I mean, you haven't done anything steady in years." "Well, not vertically anyway." "It's so cold in here." "And we're out of fuel." "How do the poor people stand it?" "They don't." "Hi." "Darling, you're home from the car wash so early." "I got fired." "Why?" "I didn't know what agua meant." "Dutch, what are we gonna do?" "Perhaps, you could apply for food stamps." "Food stamps?" "Yes, you see, you apply for the stamps with the welfare bureau, and in turn you exchange the stamps for food." "Welfare?" "The Tates, the public dole?" "Where do we apply?" "[PHONE RINGING]" "Well..." "The butler answers the telephone for the gardener?" "Really." "[CHORTLING]" "Tate Furniture Clearance." "Well, yes." "Oh!" "It's the State Department." "Yes." "I see." "It's about Mother." "Oh, my God!" "Honey, what is it?" "[MOCKINGLY] Honey, what is it?" "You ask "what is it"?" "You've got the nerve to ask "what is it"?" "Daddy, what is it?" "Excuse me." "The government sent a plane into Malaguay, and they discovered the rebel camp." "Oh, that's wonderful!" "However, there was no sign of your mother." "Oh, that's terrible." "But they did discover a few strands of red hair in a tent." "Well, that's wonderful!" "On El Puerco's pillow." "Oh, Daddy." "Now don't be depressed." "They're going to find mother." "Don't be depressed?" "Your mother is shedding somewhere in the jungle, and I can't be depressed?" "They..." "Oh." "They think that there's a good chance that she may be alive." "Well, that's wonderful!" "Or she may have been captured by the communist..." "Executed?" "Oh, my God." "That's terrible!" "Dutch, knock it off." "Okay." "Thank you." "Oh..." "God!" "What about Billy?" "Did they have any news about Billy?" "Yes, no one has seen him or heard from him." "They have no idea whether he's dead or alive." "They have no clues to work on as to his whereabouts." "Then everything's not completely hopeless, right?" "Oh, Jessie." "My whole family." "My son is missing." "My wife has run off with Zorro." "Did I wake you?" "No, it was the rough channel crossing." "You'll never awake, Mare." "Really, then who's talking?" "Well, Mary, you're always sleeping." "It's like living with a cat." "Did you wake me up to tell me that?" "Yup." "Good night Burt." "No, Mare, no, listen..." "Mare, Mare, no." "Listen to me." "I'm trying..." "There's something I wanna tell you." "This is very interesting." "I was lying in the bed here, trying to get to sleep, and I couldn't, so I tried to remember all the ways" "I used to go to sleep." "And one of the ways I remembered, Mare... is something I completely forgot." "Good night, Burt." "Listen, Mare." "Do you realize that we haven't, uh..." "In months, Mare, months." "We haven't what?" "Made love." "Oh!" "That." "I forgot all about it." "So did I." "How can we forget that, Mare?" "That's not something you should have to write down." "Well, you've been so busy." "I know that whenever I wanted to, you've been too worried to." "Oh, so it's my fault now?" "Please, Mare, how would you know?" "You're always asleep." "I can't help it." "When I'm upset, I sleep." "When I'm tired, I sleep." "And because of Jess and Wendy, I'm upset, and because of the baby, I'm tired." "So I sleep." "And anyway, just last week, when I wanted to, and I told you I wanted to, you said no, not then." "I was at work." "It doesn't matter." "When you're at home, you're at work." "Mary, I can't help it." "I got two jobs here." "I'm running a construction office." "I'm sheriff and public life." "I mean, that really ruins your private life." "You think that happens?" "Like, presidents have problems like that." "I mean, do you think that maybe Carter and Rosalyn stop." "Or that Reagan is gonna stop?" "I don't think Republicans do it." "Listen, maybe we should make a date in advance." "You know, like we sometimes used to do to go to the movies." "Yeah, that's good." "That's a good idea." "Okay, how about... now?" "Now?" "You busy?" "Well, no, but..." "I wanted to take a bath, and I'm too tired to take a bath." "Okay, okay, okay, okay." "Then how about Wednesday?" "Wednesday, Wednesday..." "You can't." "You have the sheriff's auction." "Right." "That's right." "Thursday." "Is Thursday good?" "Thursday..." "Thursday." "No, you'll be too tired from Wednesday." "And Friday I have the dentist." "Root canal." "Which means you're gonna feel lousy all day Saturday." "Sunday?" "Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, sounds good." "Is Sunday good for you?" "I think so, unless of course the baby gets colicky." "Mare." "What?" "Now." "Now?" "Now." "Burt, I didn't take a bath." "I don't care." "I like you dirty." "Come on, Mare." "I'll pretend you're Anna Magnani with that little rose tattoo." "You pretend I'm someone else?" "No, I don't have to." "It's been so long." "It's exciting." "It's you!" "[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]" "Are you sure this is a good idea?" "What could happen?" "Okay, fine, I've seen enough." "They're just blowing off a little steam." "Steam?" "That's a little steam?" "You could heat Montreal in that steam." "Goodbye." "No, wait a minute, wait a minute." "We have come all of this way." "Now let's just flash Carol's picture around a little bit and see if anybody recognizes her, okay?" "Act natural." "Howdy." "[COUGHS]" "Excuse me." "All right, now you try it." "No, it's the wrist action you're not getting." "It's more of a snap." "Here, let me show you again." "Now, watch." "See?" "Nice, clean motion." "Let's get a table, okay?" "Yeah." "I guess this table was taken." "What'll it be?" "I'll have a beer." "You?" "Two." "And can I have a glass, please." "A glass?" "Yeah, but a filthy one, okay?" "And some stale pretzels, huh?" "I like the way you handle yourself, Dallas." "Real cool." "Cool?" "My heart is doing laps in my shorts." "Hi good looking." "Hi." "Hi." "Mind if I join you." "No, have a seat." "So, y'all new in town." "Yeah, we just came by to drink a little hooch and kick a little tush." "So what's your name, Slim?" "Slim." "Listen Slim..." "You know this girl?" "It's Doris Day." "Came with the wallet." "Have you seen this girl lately?" "No." "Damn." "Just gonna wander around and see if anybody recognizes this picture, okay?" "Excuse me." "I'm glad she left." "I'd like to ask you something personal, if you don't mind." "Ask away." "Are you two going together or anything?" "No, no, no." "It's just strictly business." "No, no, strings on me." "I'm free as a bird." "Yeah?" "Then you wouldn't mind if I ask her to dance?" "Her?" "No, no, no." "Heck, no." "Shoot." "Whisky." "Pardon me there, wrangler." "I was just wondering if..." "Same again." "Please." "Never mind." "So that's what happened." "So now I'm out looking for a mother." "I wish I could help you, but I hadn't seen Carol in weeks." "Well, what can..." "Carol, you know Carol?" "Every man that ever tied a hog knows Carol." "That should surprise me more than it does." "But you said you hadn't seen Carol." "You asked if I'd seen her lately." "I hadn't seen any women lately." "What's up?" "Slim here knows Carol." "Yeah, but you ain't gonna find her 'round here." "She don't hang around the rodeo no more." "She's into clowns now." "Clowns?" "You mean:" "Yeah, that's it, clowns." "Last I heard she went off with the Farley Circus." "When was that?" "Like a week and a half ago." "Week and a half ago, let's see..." "Farley." "That means by now she'd be in Lombpa." "Lombpa?" "We have to go to Lombpa?" "Is there actually a place called Lombpa?" "Give me a dollar." "Here you go, partner." "Excuse me, could you open them please?" "Thank you." "So, Slim..." "Here's to your health." "What do you say we find the salad bar, okay?" "Argh!" "Ooh!" "ANNOUNCER:" "Now that Jessica and El Puerco have decided to escape the enemy by boat, will they remember to bring along the Dramamine?" "Next time Jodie and Maggie get a lead on Wendy, will they remember to make reservations in advance?" "Will Eunice ever get along with Annie?" "Will Billy ever find his mother?" "And who is spying on Gwen and Danny?" "These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of Soap." "[♪]"