"( train whistle blows )" "( phone ringing )" " Hello?" "Maxwell Smart here." " Max, this is the Chief." "Have you located KAOS Agent Bohrman?" "Yes, Chief." "I understand that Bohrman is in the next compartment." "Perfect." "Now, Max, listen very carefully." " This is quite important." " Right, Chief." "As we suspected, Bohrman is taking KAOS's new intelligence code to their Southern headquarters." "Then I'm to proceed with our plan, right, Chief?" "Right." "I want Bohrman delivering the wrong code to Colonel Kirby's Southern plantation tomorrow." " Right, Chief." " It's important, Max." "Remember, if you can make the switch successfully, it'll set KAOS's intelligence operations back 10 years." "Don't worry, Chief." "You can depend on me." "Has CONTROL Agent Porter contacted you yet?" "Not yet, Chief, but he should be contacting me any minute now." " ( knocks )" " Wait a minute." "I think that's him." "I'll get back to you." " Who is it?" " It's me" " Porter." "Well, I'm afraid you've made a mistake." " I didn't order a drink." " Max, it's me" " Agent Porter." "Is that you, Porter?" "What a great cover!" "What ever made you think of becoming a porter, Porter?" "We're in luck." "Bohrman just ordered a drink and I'm taking it there now." "That's great." "What did you just do?" "Well, I put a knockout pill in the drink." " I already did." " Oh." "Well, I hope that doesn't make it too strong." "Bohrman's gotta get off this train in the morning." "It doesn't look too strong." "It's okay." " ( snores )" " Max!" "Are you all right?" "Oh." "Oh, I'm fine." "Now look, Porter, here's what you do" "You take this drink over to Bohrman, and when I think the drug has had time to take effect," "I'll go in there and switch the codes." "Good luck, Max." "Hello, Chief?" "Everything is going perfectly." "Porter is taking the drugged drink into Bohrman's compartment." "Now when Bohrman passes out, I'll go over and make the switch." " ( glass shatters ) - ( thumps )" "Chief, I think Bohrman just passed out." "Now remember, Max-- you'll find the codebook taped to Bohrman's chest." "Taped to the chest." "Right, Chief." "Chief's voice:" "Now remember, Max-- you'll find the codebook taped to Bohrman's chest." "( theme music playing )" "Well, you certainly picked a fine time to be a gentleman, Max." "Well, I couldn't help it, Chief." "And besides, I didn't want to get my face slapped." "How could Bohrman slap your face?" "She was unconscious!" "I wasn't talking about Bohrman." "I was talking about 99 when she found out." "If 99 weren't so close to having a baby," "I could have assigned her to the case." "Yeah, she could have pulled it off." "Now that Bohrman has delivered the code, we're forced to infiltrate Colonel Kirby's plantation to make the switch." "I want to show you some captured KAOS film to show you what we're up against." "That's the colonel's plantation." "And that's the swamp surrounding the plantation." "It's heavily infested with alligators." "There's also a high wall patrolled by sentries 24 hours a day." "That's him now-- Colonel Kyle K Kirby." "Don't let his appearances fool you, Max." "Though he may seem to be a kindly Southern gentleman, he's really one of the most ruthless, cold-blooded killers we've ever run up against." "I know, Chief." "I've eaten in one of his restaurants." "Chief:" "Colonel Kirby is proficient with most weapons, but especially so with the bullwhip." "Well, that's enough of that." "A crack team of experts trained in commando tactics will go to Kirby's plantation to switch the code, but the right man must lead them." "Well, it won't be the first time" "I've had to do something like this, Chief." "Max, you've seen the plantation." "It's a veritable fortress!" "Yes, well, I've gotten into tough places before." "Well, you've seen the swamp, the heavily-armed guards, the killer attack-dogs." "I've also handled things like that before, Chief." "Max, this is a suicide mission." "Whoever goes will probably never come back." "Yes, well, whoever it is, Chief, let's wish him good luck." "Good luck, Max." "Convicts?" "Max:" "Well, we had no choice, 99." "We checked it out with the computer and the only three men with the necessary qualifications to carry out the mission are now serving life sentences." "And you're willing to work with them?" "Well, it wasn't a matter of that, 99." "It was a matter of whether or not they were willing to work with me." "The Chief finally got the governor to grant them full pardons if the mission came off successfully." "Well, I've gotta run along." "It's getting late." "We start training this morning, and I've only got two weeks to get ready." " Ooh!" " What's the matter?" " My back aches a little bit." " Oh." "Gee, 99, I sure hope you have the baby before the two weeks is up." "I'd hate to have to be out on that mission and worry about you and the baby." "Well, the doctor says it'll be any day now." " Well, I've gotta run along." "Goodbye." " Ooh." "What's the matter?" "Your back again?" "No, my foot-- you're standing on it." "All right, Officer, you can go back to the penitentiary." "These men are in my custody now." "All right, men, I'm Maxwell Smart, your commanding officer." "So from now on when I talk to you, you will snap to attention." "That's better, much better." " Name?" " Simmons." "Why are you holding your hands up like that, Simmons?" "Because these are the most valuable things I own." "Without my hands, I'd be out of business." "I don't recall asking for a surgeon on this job." " I'm a safecracker." " Oh." " Name?" " Murphy." "What do you do, Murphy?" " Guess." " Lumberjack?" "I'm the muscle you asked for." "Oh." " Name?" " Farley." "Oh yes, Farley, I've heard about you." "They say that you're the greatest pickpocket in the country." " In the world." " Oh, really?" "Well, we'll see about that." "All right, gentlemen, now time is of the essence." "So in exactly..." "( yells )" "( yells )" "( yells )" "( yells )" "Max, can I see you over here for a minute?" "How are things going, Max?" "Well, Chief, they need a lot of work." "I'm afraid we've run out of time." "What are you talking about, "run out of time"?" "We've been training for less than a week!" "Max, KAOS changed their plans." "We've just learned that Colonel Kirby is turning the code over to their courier at midnight tonight." " Tonight?" " Yes, you'll leave for the South in one hour." "Let's synchronize our watches." "Right, Chief." "Farley!" "Synchronize my watch!" "Well, I want you to call me on my wristwatch phone the minute the labor pains start." "Max, that won't be necessary." "The Chief is standing by to take me to the hospital." "I know, 99, but I want to feel like I'm near you at a time like that." "All right, I'll call you on your wrist phone." "All right, now remember-- no matter what time of the day or night, no matter what I'm doing, I want you to call me." "All right." "Goodbye, love." "Gee, I'm sorry I'm late, 99." "Did you have the baby yet?" "Of course, she didn't have the baby yet." "What are you doing here?" "I came here to take her to the hospital to have the baby." "We don't know when she's going to have the baby." "She could have it tonight, she could have it tomorrow night, she could have it the next night." "Gee, I hope not, Max." "That's why I'm here now." "I'm tied up for the rest of the week." "You mean to tell me that's all the business you did last week?" "Why, that's mighty disappointing." "Mighty disappointing." "Business that bad, Colonel?" "I tell you, Bohrman honey, it's a darn lucky thing that all my restaurants are being used to distribute KAOS information, otherwise we'd be out of business." "I am just amazed that people don't cotton to your Tennessee Fricassee Frog Legs." "They didn't go for my Tennessee Fricassee Eels or my Tennessee Fricassee Possum either." "Bohrman honey, will you please get that infernal chicken out of the house?" "Hey, there's something you haven't thought of yet, Colonel-- chicken!" " Chickens?" " Yeah." "I can see it all now" "Colonel Kirby's Tennessee Fricassee Chicken!" "Who'd eat that?" "Colonel honey, we haven't been out of the house in a long time." "We never go anywhere anymore." "Can't we go into town tonight for some fun?" "Not tonight, Bohrman." "You know Kessinger the KAOS courier is coming tonight to pick up the codes." "But I'm so bored." "Bohrman... honey..." "I've got a little surprise for you up in the attic." " You do, darling?" " I've been saving it a long, long time, waiting for the right woman to come along." "Oh, Colonel, I'm so excited." "What is it?" "Well, tell me what it is!" "Ooh, it's something my daddy gave me a long time ago" " that I saved." " What?" "What?" "Nobody knows this, honey... but I've got a slave left." "Keep moving." "Another 100 yards and we'll be through the swamp." "Smart, I think I see the plantation." "You're right, Simmons." "All right, now here's what we'll do:" "As soon as we get to land, we'll hide this boat in the woods." "And then we'll make our way to the main gate of the plantation." "( watch rings )" " Hello." " 99:" "Hello, Max?" "It's for you." " Hello, Smart here." " Hello, Max." "It's me 99." "Oh, hi, 99." "How are you feeling?" "I'm fine, Max, but you made me promise to call you the minute the pains started." "Oh, fellas, my wife is beginning to get pains." "How far apart are they, 99?" "I don't know yet-- I've only had one." "She's only had one so far." "99, will you do me a favor?" "Call me back when you get two." "Okay, Max." "Bye." "All right, men, let's go." "Come on, move out, move out!" "Let's go." "Move out." "Come on." "He's coming this way." "Okay, Farley, here's where we find out just how good a pickpocket you really are." "I want the keys off that guard's belt." "Consider it done." "I only wanted the keys, Farley, not the dog." "You'd better take it, Smart." "Farley gets offended real easy." "Thank you, Farley." "It's a pleasure." "What else do you need?" "Nothing." "Now you're gonna have to stay here with the dog and watch him so that he doesn't bark." "Simmons, Murphy, let's go." "Open the gates, Simmons." "Will you hurry up, Simmons?" "!" "I can't find the right key." "Here, let me try." "Murphy, what are you doing inside the gate?" "You're supposed to be out here with us." "Then when we open the gate, we all go in." " How did you get in there?" " I bended the pole." "He bended the pole." "Come on." "All right, hold it." " Now the first thing-- - ( watch rings )" " Hello?" " Hello, Max." "It's me again." "Oh, hi, 99." "How are you feeling?" "Well, the pains are coming every 20 minutes now, but the doctor says not to be concerned until they're 10 minutes apart." "All right." "Now listen, when they come 10 minutes apart, call the Chief and have him come right over." "Then call me." "I will, Max." "I love you." "I love you too, 99." "( smooching )" "( smooching )" "Smart, look." "It's Kessinger, the KAOS courier." "Smart, I think that building is the guards' barracks." "All right, now here's what I want you to do" "Murphy, I want you to get over there and lock them in." "Simmons, you come with me." "We've gotta get into the house, get into that safe and switch the code before the colonel can hand it over to Kessinger." "All right, let's go." "( creaking )" "Man:" "Who closed that door?" "Man #2:" "Open up!" "Open up!" "Quick, close the door, Simmons." "Now the safe should be somewhere in this room." "Well, just don't stand there, Simmons." "You're the expert-- find the safe." "I am an expert-- at opening them, not finding them." "Well, fortunately, I happen to be an expert at finding them." "Now according to my calculations, the safe should be... right behind that painting." "Are you sure?" "Here." "Help me move this safe over so I can stand on it and get a better look." "Well, just don't stand there, Simmons." "I found the safe." "Now open it." "( rings )" "Hello?" "Max?" "99." "Oh, hi, 99." "How do you feel?" "Well, the pains are 10 minutes apart now." "Oh, that's great!" "The pains are coming 10 minutes apart now." "Beautiful!" "99, is the Chief there yet?" "No, Max, but he should be here any minute." "Listen, if everything goes according to plan," "I should be back in Washington tomorrow morning." " I'll come right to the hospital." " Max, I'm so excited!" "I can't talk anymore, 99." "I'm very, very busy." " I'll see you tomorrow morning, okay?" " Okay." "Goodbye, sweetheart." " How's it coming, Simmons?" " I'm just about there." "Here." "Hold the flashlight." "Right there." " What's the matter?" " I don't know." " It must be the batteries." " ( rattles )" "Don't move." "I know exactly where it is." " ( knuckles crack )" " Oh!" "What's the matter?" "You stepped on my hand!" "Oh, sorry about that." "We'll take care of it later." "Right now we've got to open up that safe." "How am I gonna open up a safe when I can't straighten out my fingers?" "Well, what are we gonna do?" "You're gonna open the safe." "Are you crazy?" "I never opened a safe in my life." "I'll tell you what to do." "Come on." "Now turn it slowly one quarter-turn to the right." "( clanking )" "What next?" "That's it." "I was closer than I figured." "Well, come on, make the switch." "Kirby:" "Stay right where you are." "Kessinger, pick up that gun." "So..." "CONTROL agents, huh?" "I don't know what you're talking about!" "We're just regular run-of-the-mill, everyday burglars." " What's your name?" " I don't have to give you my name." "All I have to do is give you my CONTROL serial number-- 865" "All right." "Now hand over the codebook." "We don't have the codebook." "You got us before we had the chance to get it out of the safe." "Go take a look for yourself." "That's right, Colonel." "We don't have the codebook." "Good work, Simmons." "Take a look for yourself." "Bohrman... keep them covered." "Kessinger, take the codebook and get goin'." "Start distribution immediately." "Earlier this evening you complained about being bored, Bohrman." "Well, these gentlemen are now gonna provide you with a little entertainment... before they die." "Now which one would you like to see go first?" "Mmm... start with the cute one." "It's always been my curse." "Not you." "The cute one!" "Oh, let him go first." "He seems so anxious." "All right, boy, start dancing." "I don't know how to dance!" "However, I'm certainly willing to learn." " ( ringing )" " Hold it!" " Hello?" " Hello, Max?" "The Chief is waiting for me downstairs." "I'm on my way to the hospital right now." " Are you all right, 99?" " Yes, the pains are coming every 10 minutes now." "Good." "Mine are coming every five seconds." "Hey, just a minute, fella!" "That was my wife I was talking to!" "Okay, that does it, Colonel." "I'm not dancing for you anymore." "Really?" "We'll see." "Oh boy!" "Honey Colonel-- oh." "Colonel, are you all right?" "( ringing )" " Hello?" " You can stop worrying now, Max." "We started for the hospital and the pains stopped." "It was a false alarm." "I'm happy to hear that, 99." "I really wanted to be with you when the baby came." "Well, it looks like the case here is all wrapped up." "I'll be home first thing in the morning." "Oh, that's wonderful, love." "See you then." "Goodbye, sweetheart." "Simmons, come here." "Well, Simmons, I guess you realize that this means a full pardon for you and Murphy and Farley." "Well, I'll tell you something, Smart-- I've learned my lesson." "As soon as I get out I'm goin' into business for myself." "I'm happy to hear that." "What kind of business are you going into?" "I'm gonna become a television repairman." "Oh." "Well, if I were you and I got out," "I'd go straight." "( theme music playing )"