"I see trees of green" "Red roses too" "I see them bloom" "For me and you" "And I think to myself" "What a wonderful world" "I see skies of blue" "And clouds of white" "The bright blessed day" "The dark sacred night" "And I think to myself" "What a wonderful world" "Yes" "I think to myself" "What a wonderful" "dude!" "What the fuck?" "What the fuck?" "What are you doing?" "man." "You couldn't wait till I got out of the shower?" "May I remind you that we both just ate 30 burgers." "and four large orders of fries?" "I'm sure it'll hit you too." "It may be." "But I'm gonna wait till you get out of the shower." "don't wait too long." "We've got to leave for the airport in an hour." "that burns." "Roldy?" "Yeah?" "Nice pubes." "get out of here right now." "this thing is huge!" "I think it still has cheese on it." "Ooh wee" "Ooh wee lala" "When I step into the party all the ladies wanna know or my nigga Ghost if you wanna know" "They say ooh wee" "When I'm rollin' my Mercedes all the ladies wanna roll" "Be my Juliet and I can be your Romeo" "If you actin' menace I can pick another ho ooh wee lala or even 20 below" "I'm a bad motherfucker I'm way too fuckin' cold" "Let me tell you what they say when I'm pullin' off my drawers" "They say ooh wee lala" "Ooh wee aiyo" "My game's here to party just to cut up a rug" "Don't make me have to cut up a thug 'cause there's nothin' but love" "Hosted by the ladies who looking' for somethin' to rub" "Ooh wee my Go." "I just realized something." "What?" "man." "I'm following her to Amsterdam." "relax." "I have a med school interview in ten minutes." "You don't see me freaking out." "she'll be psyched to see you." "psyched?" "You think she's gonna be psyched?" "dude." "Why wouldn't she be?" "So how does this work?" "We just. we show up in Amsterdam and we start calling hotels." "and ask if they have a Maria staying there?" "it's totally cool." "We're definitely gonna find her." "Amsterdam is a very small place." "It's not gonna be." "please." "Let me search you." "you didn't beep." "Just a random security check." "please?" "Just over here." "huh?" "Yeah." "So this has nothing to do with my ethnicity?" "just do what the guy says." "it's our job as airport security." "to search for all possible weapons or illegal drugs." "you assume that I have drugs on me?" "a racist?" "I'm black." "He's black." "He's not a racist." "you're barely even brown." "he didn't mean that." "you look like Matthew Perry." "bitch?" "you Matthew Perrylooking bitch!" "there's nobody here who is Matthew Perry." "No one!" "What is going on here?" "Matthew Perry over here thinks that I have illegal narcotics on me." "because I'm a minority." "This is textbook racial profiling." "and I'd be more than happy to call the ACLU or the government." "sir." "Matt Perry." "what are you doing?" "what am I doing?" "He called me Matthew Perry." "you look like Matthew Perry." "He's white!" "So what?" "man?" "dude." "no one's gonna shut me up." "Kumar?" "Roldy?" "my God!" "Good to see you." "So good to see you. I." "Hi." "Hey." "Hey." "Hey." "it's been forever." "What are you guys doing?" "We're actually on our way to Amsterdam." "Amsterdam?" "Yeah." "you guys haven't changed." "You have." "You look amazing." "Your hair is diff." "Doesn't she look amazing?" "Yeah." "you look great." "You look awesome." "Sorry." "What am I even saying?" "You look different and." "you're flustered." "Little bit." "what's up with you?" "You still dating the Abercrombiewearing douchebag?" "it's Brooks Brothers." "buddy?" "Good to see ya." "Good to see you." "And we're not dating anymore." "No." "We. are getting married." "you guys." "You're fucking getting married?" "Yeah." "When?" "Next week." "It's going to be a perfect day." "that's assuming we get those Stargazer lilies for the bouquets." "This florist has been a complete nightmare." "Fucking assholes." "Colton's practically planning the whole wedding all by himself." "Brewster Keegan letting you off the leash for a little vaycay?" "Colton." "Thank you so much for the hookup." "of course." "He told me you got a job working for the government." "President Bush and my dad were in the same fraternity." "Jesus." "when he gave my dad that appointment at the Defense Department." "I became his righthand man." "Douche." "The President's supposed to be at our wedding." "but you know how busy he is." "Yeah." "man." "you really got some major connections to the top." "I'm your man." "buddy." "Anytime." "This guy's the best." "we should get going." "Yes." "Good to see you guys again." "Congratulations again." "thank you." "It's so nice." "Bye." "Bye." "I can't believe they're getting married." "We've only been broken up two years." "Plus that dude has daterape face." "I don't even know what that is." "One who possesses the face of a date rapist." "Right." "Listen." "bro." "But we are going to Amsterdam." "Come on." "Roldy." "Ooh wee" "this is so not like me." "Yeah." "stronger." "Nice." "I've never used a sick day before." "man." "we're gonna be in Amsterdam." "dude." "It's gonna be awesome." "It's not not gonna be awesome." "it's awesome." "Thank you." "You ruined the moment." "buddy." "You wanna pause it?" "I'm gonna go to the bathroom." "that's." "Enjoy." "Just a minute." "Fuc." "hey." "Let me in." "asshole!" "Yeah." "Yo!" "I'm not joining the milehigh club with you." "What about the really high club?" "Are you retarded?" "No." "You brought weed on the fucking airplane?" "Yep." "What the fuck?" "Wait a second." "You were giving that security guard shit." "Yeah." "How else was I supposed to get past him?" "By not bringing drugs on an airplane?" "Look." "What are you doing?" "What is this?" "You'll see." "I would like to introduce you to an invention of mine." "Meet the smokeless bong." "I did." "When you were slaving away at work." "I was actually being a productive member of society." "that's really productive." "Let me show you how it works." "So you take a little weed." "OK?" "Now here's the truly genius part." "tiny fan." "it works sort of like a deodorizer." "so that anything it expunges smells like Lysol." "dude." "Can you not wait till we get to Amsterdam?" "It's the weed capital of the world!" "No." "Put the bong away!" "dude." "No!" "man." "Then I'm gonna do it." "Put it away." "Put the frickin' bong away." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Turb." "Terrorist!" "Roldy?" "not a terrorist." "He's just an idiot." "This is just a bong." "He said he got a bomb!" "it's a water pipe for tobacco." "it's not a bomb." "It's just a bong." "Poison gas!" "It's marijuana!" "Marijuana!" "you terrorist fuck!" "what are you doing?" "There are three air marshals on board." "Three!" "not a bomb." "Shut up!" "I got this one!" "Roldy?" "Please don't!" "I am in a great amount of pain!" "Everybody relax." "Just calm down." "Everything is under control." "Tell 'em to turn the plane around." "These two assholes are goin' back to the U.S." "Secretary Fox." "Glad you could make it." "Think I'd miss a terrorist attack of this magnitude?" "Not a fuckin' chance." "Who are these people?" "Representatives of the different intelligence agencies." "I assume Secretary Whitmore's coming?" "Negative." "He's on an ice fishing trip in Glacier Bay." "I'm in charge while he's gone." "shouldn't he be alerted?" "Isn't this issue of more importance than an ice fishing trip?" "Who are you again?" "Vice Chairman of the NSA." "Dr. Dipshit." "You've obviously never been ice fishing before." "it's fucking exhilarating." "The last thing anyone would want while fishing for pike is to be interrupted." "Now back off." "and let me do my job." "What's up with the guy with the weird eyes?" "He handicapped or something?" "We believe he's of Korean descent." "My God." "North Korea and alQaeda workin' together." "This is bigger than I thought." "You couldn't wait?" "You couldn't fucking wait?" "We were about to have all the legal weed we wanted." "where we were going!" "huh?" "huh?" "Well." "guess what?" "What?" "We knew you fuckers would be back." "man." "We love America." "We love America!" "Very much." "That's a convenient thing to say." "after you try and blow up a plane filled with Americans!" "we didn't do." "you have the wrong idea." "My idiot friend here brought marijuana." "hey." "Hello Kitty." "OK?" "I know your operation's funded through drugs." "sir. I." "hey." "Shut up." "Shut up!" "I." "shut up!" "Shut up!" "Do we have the right to make a phone call?" "Yeah." "Yeah!" "I'm sorry." "You want rights now." "You want freedoms right now." "Is it time?" "Is it freedom o'clock?" "Guess what." "What?" "they have never even heard of rights." "where are we going?" "We're innocent men!" "We're innocent men!" "I'm an innocent man." "I donate blood." "And toys for tots." "And now I'm in Guantánamo Bay." "See why I'm against paying taxes?" "Hey!" "Hey." "Fuck you!" "OK?" "Look on the bright side." "There's a sink." "There's a toilet." "The pillow actually looks pretty comfortable." "ever." "Ever." "OK." "No!" "Shut up!" "OK." "So what are you guys in here for?" "For giving the United States a taste of their own medicine." "You guys are real terrorists?" "Some call us terrorists." "Others call us heroes." "Screw that." "You think you guys are heroes for killing innocent people?" "It's 'cause of assholes like you that we're even in this fucking place." "you fucking cowards!" "maybe if the people in your country stopped eating donuts." "and started realizing what your government is doing to the world." "assholes like us wouldn't exist." "Fuck you!" "Donuts are awesome!" "They're delicious." "You like donuts?" "wait till you see what they make you eat in here." "Yeah?" "What do they make you eat in here?" "I." "Ever hear of a cockmeat sandwich?" "What's a cockmeat sandwich?" "You're about to find out." "Right about now." "Sucker." "cockmeat sandwich time." "You know the drill." "What about them?" "They just got here!" "Big Bob's taking care of them." "Big Bob." "Big Bob?" "I hope you like donuts." "enjoy." "Holy shit." "that's it." "it is not good." "I've never had to suck a dick before." "Me neither." "I bet it sucks dick." "dude." "Please don't let it be Big Bob." "Please don't let it be Big Bob." "Please don't let it be Big Bob." "Come on." "Please don't let it be Big Bob." "Please don't let it be Big Bob." "Please don't let it be Big Bob." "Please don't let it be Big Bob." "I'm Big Bob." "you are." "You boys ready for your cockmeat sandwich?" "No?" "you better get hungry real fast." "'cause I got a whole lot of sandwich waitin' for ya." "Holy shit!" "Big Bob." "I got to ask you a question before this all goes down." "no!" "Ain't nothing gay about getting your dick sucked!" "You're the ones that's gay for sucking' my dick!" "What?" "In fact." "creeps me out just bein' around you fags." "But." "All right." "Wait." "Get down on your knees." "Big Bob." "Why don't you just kick our ass instead?" "Get on your fucking knees!" "All right." "All right." "dude." "Hope you boys like extra mayo." "I hate you so much!" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "dude." "Holy shit!" "What the hell happened?" "That terrorist fuck bit my dick!" "wait a second!" "Should we?" "What if they kill us out there?" "They're gonna fucking make us suck their dicks if we don't." "We're gonna die in here." "Come on." "shit." "Shit." "Shit." "Fuck." "Fuck." "Shit." "Shit." "Fuck." "Fuck." "shit!" "Get out!" "Fuck!" "shit." "Shit." "door." "look." "What the fuck is he doing?" "now!" "It smells like burnt asshole." "I can't fucking believe this." "Fuck!" "man!" "Shut up." "We're gonna die in a jungle!" "Shut up!" "Fuck!" "Watch out for cheetahs!" "This is cheetah turf." "What?" "OK." "Fuck." "We hit ocean." "What do we do now?" "All right." "look!" "Excuse me." "You guys going to America?" "vamos." "we're going." "Thank you." "Esmío.amos." "Jorge." "the first thing you have to do when you get to America." "OK?" "Freedom means nothing if you're a slave to regular programming." "I promise you that." "how about you focus?" "We gotta figure out what to do when we get to the States." "We don't have wallets." "We don't have any ID." "We've got nothing." "right?" "There's only one guy we know who lives down there." "Who do we know that." "Raza." "Yeah." "We gotta go see Raza." "Adiós.uego." "Thanks again." "What nice people." "South Florida here we are." "now how do we get to Raza's?" "The professional way." "We walk." "Let's go." "Walk?" "Yeah." "So I guess Raza's." "we'll find it." ".thataway. Yeah." "papi" "" Tócame" "" Ay" "" Papi" "" Ay" "" Papi" "" Ay" "Raza's place is pretty sweet." "Kinda ghetto for Miami." "" Para abajo toca" "Hi." "Hey." "are you?" "No." "We're not." "here to complain about the noise." "We're." "We are here to see." "What is his name?" "We're here." "Vagina." "we're here to see Raza." "OK." "Follow me." "ma'am." "I guess." "badunk she got it badunk go ahead"" "As long as I don't touch it why the hell would I wanna interrupt it?"" "Hey." "Very patriotic of you." "Thank you." "guys." "Hey." "Raza!" "What?" "What's up?" "man?" "I haven't seen you guys since graduation." "What are you guys doing here?" "what's up with the orange jumpsuits?" "question number one." "It's kind of a long story. I." ".what's up with this party?" "What do you mean?" "There's exposed vagina all over your house." "Yeah." "That was my idea." "I'm sick of all the hype over topless." "Really?" "I always liked toplessness." "That's." "I'm starting." "the bottomless party." "So what are you guys doing in South Beach?" "How about you answer that question?" "I'm gonna go check this out." "buddy." "Listen." "I'm really sorry to bother you with this." "You all right?" "Not really." "and they already escaped?" "Damn it." "Make sure the press doesn't get wind of this." "Don't need the public thinking we're some twobit operation." "sir." "It must have been either alQaeda or North Korea who broke 'em up." "Find out if they have any relatives in the country." "You probably should have done that in the first place." "Beecher?" "I'm just saying that." "I've looked through the files on Harold Lee and Kumar Patel." "They were both born and raised in New Jersey." "they're clean." "Right." "That's why they just broke out of prison." "But they." "It's not even clear that they should have been there in the first place." "Shut your." "Beecher?" "Yeah." "Do you want her to get raped and murdered?" "Of course not." "You sure?" "'Cause this is America." "Do you want to rape America?" "No." "Then stop fucking with me." "This is serious." "She's adorable." "So you guys are fucking fugitives?" "It's just it's Kumar's fault." "If we get out of this." "the chances of us remaining friends is highly." "highly. boobies." "Yeah." "what do you think you're doing?" "Put that back on." "And keep it on." "Sorry." "Fuckin' party do you think this is?" "Yo." "What are you guys talking about?" "Roldy was just letting me in on your situation." "Yeah?" "Thanks for getting me involved." "What about that fuckin' time we had to cover for you." "lie to your exgirlfriend about how you got crabs?" "man." "that's right." "What?" "that was a long time ago." "I love crabs." "Speaking of exgirlfriends." "isn't yours getting married or something?" "How does everybody know about this except for me?" "Wait." "Colton!" "Colton Graham can help us out." "No!" "Fuck that!" "Yes!" "it's him." "I'm sorry." "That dickweed is not helping us." "Wait a second." "Do you have his contact info?" "Texas." "But you don't want to bother them when they're doing their whole." "right?" "that actually might be our only hope." "Fuck!" "How do we get there?" "We can't go to the airport." "They're looking for us." "I'll loan you one of my cars." "Really?" "But first. y'all got to get in the spirit of the party." "spirit of." "What do you think I mean?" "What about you?" "Me?" "I've been in the spirit." "dude!" "my God!" "Raza." "Yeah." "Drink it in." "What the fuck?" "That looks like Osama bin Laden's beard." "boys." "Your turn." "Let 'em dangle." "Let's just do it." "Bring it." "Count of three?" "One." "three." "man!" "That's not even necessary." "my dick!" "My dick cost a latenight fee" "Your dick got the HIV" "My dick plays on the double feature screen" "Your dick went straight to DVD" "My dick bigger than a bridge" "Your dick look like a little kid's the whole team" "Your shit look like you 14 right" "Your dick suffer from stage fright" "My dick so hot it's stolen" "Your dick look like Gary Coleman" "My dick pink and big it's sweet." "'Cause we're fugitives." "dressed like assholes!" "he has one of these things." "you can hook up to the Internet." "You can play Mike Tyson's punchout!" "Put that away." "Put that away." "man." "You realize what would happen if our parents found out about this?" "You have sent our sons to Guantánamo Bay?" "This is an outrage!" "You Arabs think you can just mix in with our peaceful society." "huh?" "I am not Arab!" "I am Indian!" "OK?" "I'm here to save lives." "Ask the Lees what they know about their son's terrorist activity." "we have been American citizens for over 40 years." "I find this very offensive." "They're using some sort of dialect I've never heard before." "But I'm pretty sure he said something about going on the offensive." "Tell them we know what their son is up to." "he could be sentenced to death." "Hit 'em." "Yeah." "We know what he said!" "Harold and Kumar are good boys." "I'm a pretty good translator." "It's total gibberish." "They may be trying to stonewall us." "Jack?" "You speak Korean?" "are you?" "Do you have a masters in romantic Korean literature?" "Because I do." "and I'm offended." "Good enough for me." "excuse me." "we're not looking to hurt your sons." "we just wanna know where they are." "Do you know if they know anybody in Florida?" "Their friend Raza Syed lives in Miami." "But why would they be there?" "He's supposed to be in medical school." "They are supposed to be in prison!" "That is where terrorists belong!" "These fuckers are goin' down." "Dead." "Or alive." "Tell them that in your fake chingchong language." "Shut up!" "You're an idiot." "buddy." "but fuck you." "Fuck me?" "Will you let him talk to you like that?" "sit down." "Fuck me?" "we're in Alabama." "huh?" "OK?" "This was supposed to be the most romantic week of my life." "Remember that?" "Before you fucked it up?" "You remember that?" "OK?" "We'll be out of this situation." "all right?" "man." "really." "What the fuck?" "Why am I talking to you about this?" "so." "I want to be happy just like." "please." "Will you turn that off?" "This is a library." "What a fucking chode." "come again!" "my God." "the whole reason people come to the stacks." "is for some peace and." "quiet." "I'm sorry." "I hate it when people disturb me here too." "It's just this fucking calculus final is killing me." "Do you mind if I take a look?" "No." "You're actually very close." "May I?" "Yeah." "Excuse me." "I touched your breast." "It's OK." "Sorry." "You just go." "Wow." "You're good at this." "Thanks." "take calculus in high school or something?" "my dad taught it to me in sixth grade." "are you like Doogie Howser?" "No." "Although that would be incredible." "He's my hero." "I love that show." "What are you working on there?" "This is just a poem for my creative writing class." "It's like." ""TheSquareRootOfThree"?" "A poem of love by Kumar Patel." I need this." "no." "Why?" "Because it's lame." "Then read it to me." "There's no way I'm letting you see me in that light." "Good luck with your calculus." "a lot of girls find intelligence sexy." "all right?" "That's why I'm so stressed out right now." "huh?" "Come with me." ".going?" "Come on." "What?" "You're smoking drugs in the library?" "What if somebody catches us?" "Don't worry." "It'll help you relax." "boy." "It's illegal." "I want your fish right by me" "That's how it has to be" "Here." ". copacetic if you let it so set up" "And keep the downstream down and the upstream up" "This is poison." "my baby" "Let me help you." "Funk the groovin' thang whistlin'" "As I rip my rhymes" "Time and time again struttin' and in the summertime strip down and be generic" "Strip down and be a passenger Strip down and be a messenger" "In asking' why I'm born I come up blank in the winter" "In asking' why I'm born I come up on when I'm on her his summer" "I'm Kumar." "Vanessa." "You're still not reading that poem." "And then I kiss my stoney baby my stoney" "My stoney baby" "My stoney" "My stoney baby" "Kumar." "My stoney baby" "Kumar." "Kumar." "Kumar." "Kumar." "Yeah." "Alabama." "Are we supposed to be here?" "What's going on?" "why did I." "asshole." "What do you mean?" "right?" "there's got to be a highway." "What's going on up there?" "Squad up" "My niggas so what the fuck." "What the hell is this?" "We knock these niggas out so what the fuck you wanna do?" "man." "we're not driving through this basketball game." "I really thought you were bigger than this." "I'm not scared 'cause they're black." "I'm scared because they're scary." "And it's not like we got Gregory Hines out there." "They're not that scary." "It's my ball!" "Turn around." "drop his punk ass in a ditch slap his ass up like a bitch" "My niggas is my niggas 'cause my niggas." "dude." "Shoot him dead between his lips" "I see some pussy." "man." "man." "nigga!" "this isn't good." "This is not good." "This is not good." "No." "No." "No." "They're coming over here." "I hit a fire hydrant on purpose." "man." "what do we do?" "What do we do?" "run." "Yo." "Yo." "Where y'all going?" "Damn!" "We was just trying to help." "somebody call the police." "We need to report this." "man." "They abandoned it last night." "It's registered to a Raza Syed." "The witnesses' description of the driver and passenger." "match that of Lee and Patel." "but he's already left the country." "that's why." "I'll give you a call." "All right." "no!" "easy!" "Easy." "Easy!" "This is our witness." "put it down!" "You all know I got one!" "I got one too!" "huh?" "Yeah." "It was like I was telling the Sheriff." "yeah." "How do I know you're telling the truth?" "man." "Really?" "man." "We'll see." "That ain't right." "Where's he going?" "What's going on?" "Hell no!" "Now why don't you tell me what really happened?" "Is that grape soda?" "yo?" "hold on!" "This is so ignorant." "Really?" "Yes." "Is this ignorant?" "man." "That's racist." "are you gonna let him do that?" "See if he got KoolAid." "witness." "Sure there's not something you wanna tell me?" "I'm not stoppin' until you crack!" "I already told you that they took off runnin'!" "all right." "This isn't necessary!" "Mr. White is telling you the truth!" "Beecher?" "for Christ's sake." "huh?" "There was a Nokia 7710 taken from the console." "We have its tracking numbers." "as we speak." "I'm serious about that KoolAid." "What's going on?" "Where are you?" "that is a fucking long story." "heading to Texas." "What is that sound?" "Are you jerking off again?" "What are you doing?" "I'm taking a glorious peepee." "you're not gonna believe this." "I ended up at that Asian party." "and I schtupped Cindy Kim." "Shut the fuck up." "Are you serious?" "she even gave me a blumpkin." "What is a blumpkin?" "It's when a girl gives you head while you're sitting on the toilet takin' a shit." "Really?" "Hello?" "Hey." "Hey!" "What are you doing?" "come?" "Did you go?" "I'm done." "You said to me we were gonna cross swords." "You promised." "sweetheart." "Are you talking on a cellphone when the government is looking for us?" "it was just Goldstein." "I had something important to tell him." "that's OK." "Nothing is more important than finding a way to get to Texas." "Do you get it?" "Yes." "We've been walking an entire day and we have not seen a street sign." "Do you get it?" "Can I say." "Again." "This is." "I can't." "honestly." "all right?" "Yeah?" "Positive about what?" "I don't." "OK?" "You don't get shit like this in New Jersey." "you." "dude." "It's a baby deer." "Wow." "Man." "Shit." "Hey." "Hey." "dude." "Not like those asshole deer in New Jersey." "man." "Alabama's awesome." "He likes you." "my God!" "No!" "Sorry about that." "I was in my zone." "What the hell are y'all doing out here in them fancy clothes?" "We were on our way to Texas and we got lost." "Texas?" "You're a long way from Texas." "No!" "Born in '04." "Get in here." "Yeah." "The sun's about to go down." "sure." "You want to follow me?" "Come on." "Maybe we shouldn't." "dude?" "My grandpappy bought this land in 1902." "sir." "This place is gonna suck." "I'm home." "" É verão" "" Atencão" "I'm in here." "I wish you'da told me you was bringing guests home." "I'da straightened up in here." "this is my wife Raylene." "meet Harold and Kumar." "Hello." "Can't shake." "I've just got. deer head all over me." "Nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you boys." "You just make yourselves at home." "Thank you." "something's wrong with that DSL." "Searching for server." "You try unplugging the AirPort base?" "I done did that but it didn't work." "anyways?" "I was gonna get one of them new portable satellite radios." "What the fuck you need a satellite radio for?" "Don't you be cussin' when we got company over." "Guys." "Please don't worry about us." "We cuss all the time." "hitting me?" "Who do you think bought you that Prada bag?" "I told you I wanted a Gucci one." "The Gucci bag cost more!" "Jan Sapperstein's husband sure could afford it." "Here we go again with Jan Sapperstein." "I don't give a rat's ass what that bitch got." "You be happy with what you have." "What I have is a husband who ain't worth a turd!" "You wanna give me shit now?" "That's right!" "After everything I let you buy!" "Even look at the credit card bills?" ".you buy?" "!" "Do you think we need another set of golf balls?" "motherf." "we're just gonna get out of here." "Nonsense." "Don't be silly." "You're our guests." "You guys have got to stay for supper." "thank you." "We really couldn't." "we're gonna have to get high first." "We're close." "This is news to me." "I never knew farmers smoked weed." "You ever tried farming' not high?" "It's boring' as shit." "guys." "sort of assumed." "that people from the South were kinda." "A bunch of dumb rednecks?" "no." "That's not." "We do try to keep our inbred son in the basement when we have company." "I didn't mean it like that." "I was just." "Look at their faces!" "fuck!" "they found us." "They found us." "They found us." "I'm so sorry." "I am so sorry." "Are you boys in some kind of trouble?" "basically." "we were on a plane to Amsterdam." "and we got mistaken for terrorists and we got sent to Guantánamo Bay." "and then we escaped and snuck into America with a bunch of Cubans." "and now we're trying to get to Texas." "where there's a guy who can help us out." "and he's getting married to Kumar's exgirlfriend." "Yes." "OK." "That's cool." "I understand that." "You do?" "Like the government's never screwed us over before." "You know what?" "Y'all come down here and hide in the basement." "I will handle this." "both." "thank you." "OK." "This isn't creepy." "What the hell is that?" "You're walking towards the creepy music?" "Ge." "dude." "Kumar." "there's a lighter here with a clown on it." "there's a fucking monster!" "God!" "do you?" "No." "Why do you need a Baby Ruth?" "That's how Chunk won over Sloth in The Goonies." "This thing looks like Sloth?" "All I saw was the creature's hand." "The hand looks like Sloth?" "dude." "Like fucking claws and shit." "Shit." "OK?" "The last thing that we want to do is criticize it or make it feel different." "just because it was born with horrible deformities." "Don't worry." "I got rid of 'em." "It was just my neighbors." "you got." "dude!" "You met Cyrus." "Cyrus." "You named it?" "Our son." "You must have woke him up." "He was supposed to be asleep." "I'm sorry." "I thought you were joking." "when you said you had an inbred son who lives in your basement." "it ain't a joke." "and we get it on." "But that don't mean we ought to be judged." "You boys must be awful tired after what you've been through." "I'll show you to your bed." "boy!" "Don't make me come down there and whip your Cyclops ass!" "It's tough love." "It's the best way." "I don't know what I was thinking dating that douchebag Colton." "He is a douchebag." "What were you thinking?" "little penis satisfied me." "baby?" "Yeah." "Yeah?" "you've been missing it?" "How much?" "A lot." "I bet." "Well." "I kind of have this fantasy." "What is it?" "I thought it'd be kinda cool to bring somebody else in bed with us." "Who?" "baby." "Yeah!" "Yeah?" "right?" "Let's do it." "There's something " " About that woman" "She's got something you can't live without" "Makes your heart sing" "Weedy." "Something about that woman" "If you're in doubt then you are missing out" "On a good thing" "I got to give it up teeth." "Weedy!" "Yeah?" "Yeah!" "You like that?" "Weedy." "how about that?" "Something about that woman" "She's got something you can't live without" "Makes your heart sing" "It's just something about that woman" "If you're in doubt then you are missing out" "On a good thing" "I got to give it up" "Wow." "Dude." "I just had the most fuckedup nightmare." "man." "I was having a really hot dream." "dude." "Why did we have to leave?" "Their Goonies" "I don't care." "It tried to fucking bite me." "every time the two of us try to get anywhere." "it's fucking disaster after fucking disaster." "you really need a hit of this." "I don't want a fucking hit!" "you know that?" "Think about it." "We should be at Colton's already." "we still have two days to fuck up the wedding." "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "isn't it?" "You want to fuck up the wedding." "Kumar." "It's not fucking funny!" "Colton is the only guy that can help us out at this point." "I can't believe." "I cannot believe you're willing to fuck that up!" "OK?" "Yeah?" "I like him better than I like you right now." "Really?" "Yeah." "You know what he got me?" "A job." "You know what you got me?" "Thrown into Guantánamo Bay." "Your job sucks." "Admit it." "You're jealous because Vanessa found somebody better than you." "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" "Better than you!" "Let me think." "or unemployed pothead?" "isn't it?" "well at least Vanessa's not in Amsterdam." "getting plowed by a bunch of European dudes." "What?" "Do you really think Maria's." "dude?" "she's probably got two uncircumcised dicks." "dangling in front of her throat." "You know what she's gonna do with them?" "Down 'em into her tonsils?" "Fucking dick." "bro." "Maria." "Asshole!" "Don't you dare say a fucking word about my angel!" "What the fuck was that?" "Get up." "Get up!" "Fuck you." "Shit." "Isn't that a KKK bonfire?" "Yeah." "I think it is." "Maybe we should get the fuck out of here." "dude." "Let's do that." "caught a rerun of that show Becker." "You know that show?" "Ted Danson." "he had me in stitches." "He's actually pretty funny." "Really?" "You think so?" "but." "it's priceless." "Hold up a second." "I gotta go drain the main vein." "Travis." "when it comes to feeling good." "I'd rate pissing' right up there with comin' and shitting'." "I like to do all three." "I hear ya." "man." "Hurry the fuck up." "You were the one who made me drink that third beer." "peckerwood." "Gross!" "You fucking pissed on me!" "You racist fuck!" "What the heck?" "What the nigger was that?" "This is fucked." "We are fucked." "Kenny." "Travis." "What in the tarnation you guys doin'?" "you brought the keg." "Lug that thing over." "Let's go!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "come on!" "they're awesome." "I'd never thought I'd say this in a million years." "but the Klan really knows how to party." "You gotta try these dogs." "yeah." "Really know how to." "the Klan knows how to party?" "relax." "y'all!" "Come on over here and we'll sit around the campfire." "what do we do?" "Let's go sit down." "Rufus." "Next to them marshmallows." "and the graham crackers." "Everybody sit down." "Best s'mores we've had in a long time." "that's what I'm talking about." "Now." "Now I want each one of y'all to tell me." "kike!" ".that you did to a minority this week." "Yeah." "I tripped a beaner while I was walking down the stairs." "at the WalMart the other day." "Guy crashed into a bunch of wine bottles." "They made him pay for 'em!" "Yeah!" "let's all calm down." "white power here." "Giving him what he deserves." "Hebe!" "I'm back." "Next." "It better be good." "Here." "say something." "You know what?" "I did knee an Indian guy in the balls." "That's funny!" "send them Indians back to Africa." "you want to hear something real fuckedup and awesome that I did?" "I took a Korean guy's toothbrush and I rubbed it all over my dick." "that's just downright disgusting'." "But I like it!" "Yeah!" "I love bein' white." "brothers." "Mexicans!" "Lynch 'em!" "come on!" "Come on!" "let's chase them back to the border!" "Pussy fart!" "Holy shit!" "Should we put it out or what?" "Are they still behind us?" "the Klan is fucking slow." "flag down this car." "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Yeah" "Thanks for stopping." "You better check yo self" "No problem." "I come real stealth" "Neil?" "Gary and Kumar!" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Harold." "Harold." "man." "I forgot." "man?" "This is where God took me." "What are you guys doing out here?" "We're actually trying to get to Texas." "That's where I'm headed!" "What are the odds?" "Let's get out of here." "All right." "Thank you." "Shrooms?" "thank you." "Suit yourself." "start your engines." "It's gonna be a bumpy fuckin' ride." "'Cause shotgun bullets are bad for your health" "We found their phone." "Lee and Patel made a phone call to you." "Now tell us everything you know about their terrorist plot." "Terrorist plot?" "Rold and Kumar?" "This is ridiculous." "fine." "Fine." "Mr. Rosenberg." "Mr. Goldstein." "We'll do it your way." "What's this?" "What do we have here?" "It's about seven dollars?" "all right?" "I don't know what the hell is going on here." "but I'm pleading the Fifth until I speak to my lawyer." "huh?" "give me a copy of the Bill of Rights." "The Bill of Rights?" "Why?" "Just do it!" "Excuse me." "right?" "Five alive." "Sure." "OK." "OK." "Good." "You wanna know what I think about the Fifth Amendment?" "There it is." "That's what I think of the Fifth Amendment." "Why the hell is your ass so dirty?" "Don't you wipe?" "buddy." "What do ya got?" "Turns out the FBI was already tapping Mr. Goldstein's phone." "We got what we need." "Wait a second." "You were tapping my phone?" "You want to hear the tape?" "No." "I'm sick of listening to this dirt farmer." "What's the upshot?" "Lee and Patel are on their way to Texas as we speak." "I knew they'd trip up." "Ready the plane." "These fuckers are goin' down." "can you just focus on driving?" "You've had." "Focus on the road." "my friend." "I was able to perform an appendectomy at age 14." "I think I can handle a couple mushrooms." "Wasn't that just a TV show?" "Jesus Christ!" "Did you see that unicorn?" "Its horn was so shiny." "why are you guys headed to Texas?" "Let's just say my exgirlfriend's getting married." "huh?" "Yep." "Sounds to me like you need a drink." "can you pay attention." "I've got it!" "but." "He's a good driver." "Stop." "dude." "Really?" "Drinking?" "I have a lostlove story of my own." "Yeah?" "Happened on the set of Clara's Heart." "yeah." "I'll never forget her." "Her name was Tashonda." "She was Whoopi Goldberg's standin." "her lips were so sweet." "little Hershey Kiss nipples." "that you just wanted to suck on all night long." "I told her." "I said." "we're gonna have to break up." "Why did you do that?" "I didn't think I could take on that kind of responsibility." "It was such a big mistake." "with TBird gone." "couldn't you have sex with whoever you wanted?" "Let me be clear." "There is nothing on the planet." "new pussy." "Sure." "Nothing." "What does the P.H. stands for in N.P. H?" "Patrick Harris." "common mistake." "Poon handler." "boys." "random trim." "a day hasn't gone by where I haven't thought of Tashonda." "my balls get so wet." "Tashonda." "I hope you kept the baby." "Wow." "Free on my own" "That's the way I used to be baby honey." "What's up?" "I found something in your purse." "Why would you go through my purse?" "Why would you have a joint." "when you know it could ruin my political career?" "I'm sorry." "I've just been a little stressed." "It helps me relax?" "Vanessa." "I thought that part of your life was in the past." "It is." "Good." "That's all I need to hear." "baby." "I know things can be hectic with the wedding." "just do what I do." "OK?" "What the fuck?" "Shit." "they set up a fucking roadblock!" "They're gonna find us." "What are you talking about?" "Neil." "but we're fugitives." "Cool." "we've got to find a way to get out of this." "yeah." "Please." "You act like I've never smuggled a fugitive across state lines before." "Here." "Hide in that." "Sorry." "It's a little sticky." "Shit." "Yeah." "What the." "When were you gonna show me these?" "Excuse me." "Officer!" "Shit." "Hold that car!" "Neil Patrick Harris." "Yo." "sir." "Yeah." "I would imagine so." "I'm sure you get this all the time." "but your part in Starship Troopers" "Really?" "How?" "no one thought the war against the arachnids of Klendathu could be won." "But you showed the starship troopers." "Neil!" ".that those bugs could be destroyed." "right?" "That's why I joined the Department of Homeland Security." "two words." "Starship you will come with us." "Please." "I really need to go." "of course." "I'm so sorry to bother you." "You move along." "Bye." "I love you." "Mr. Patrick Harris." "What the." "that was awesome." "Try having that conversation on shrooms." "I deserve an Oscar for that performance." "You do!" "Dudes." "all right?" "no." "man." "No buts." "No buts!" "What do you do." "I'm going to a whorehouse and I'm gonna get my fuck on." "that's fine with me." "I'll get my dick wet." "Don't need nothin' but a good time" "How can I resist?" "Ain't lookin' for nothin' but a good time" "And it don't get better than this" "I'm home!" "Hello?" "well." "I thought you'd never show your face around here again." "Sally?" "I thought I was one of your top customers." "Have you forgotten what happened the last time you were here?" "my best girl quit." "I paid her good money." "It's not my fault she didn't lube up." "I bring you new customers." "that's all." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Appreciate it." "Appreciate it." "Sally." "Bring on the lineup." "girls." "Longhorns coming through." "Neil." "Bigger." "Bigger." "Bigger." "Bigger." "ba." "miss?" "Tits Hemingway." "How'd you come up with that?" "I have huge tits." "And my favorite book is A Moveable Feast." "yeah." "Tits." "'cause I'm gonna rock out with my cock out." "and you're gonna jam out with your clam out." "It's gonna be magical." "Neil." "dude." "Roldy." "I don't know about you." "I am gonna be taking you two." "Kumar." "Kumar!" "brother." "buddy." "We need." "we also supply." "inroom films or a magazine." "if you'd like some selfsatisfaction." "we do have some." "electronic devices right over there." "Just have some coffee." "Yeah?" "Why don't you lie on the bed?" "And tell us what you want us to do." "OK." "OK." "Well." "how about." "How about you take off your clothes and make out with each other?" "We've done that before." "We can do that." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Pussy real good" "That pussy " " Pussy real good" "That pussy " " That pussy off the chain" "That pussy " " Go on and do yo thang" "That pussy " " Pussy real good" "That pussy " " That pussy real good" "That pussy" "Yo' mama don't like" "She say I'm no good" "What she don't know is" "I got you pussywhooped" "He need this pussy" "He smell this pussy" "He wanna taste this pussy" "He gotta pay for pussy" "Can you use tongue?" "pussy pussy" "Bump your titty on her titty." "Police pull me over" "They don't write no tickets" "Boner achieved!" "Great." "Now let's get those pants off." "OK." "I know." "Yeah?" "We get that a lot." "benevolent?" "actually." "What?" "It means we're gonna fuck you so hard." "your dick's gonna be sore for two weeks." "exactly what it means." "though?" "He never once apologized for getting me into all this trouble." "OK?" "But it's cool." "He doesn't know how to say "I'm sorry." "Why do you think that is?" "him." "You know." "I don't even care because." "You know." "I'm not gonna be a good friend to him." "It's done." "Don't say that." "A good friend is hard to come by." "come on." "I'm sorry." "That's right." "Agnes." "Nail on the head." "It's like right now." "after all the shit that we have been through in the last few days." "having sex." "I never should have left her." "I don't even know." "I don't even know what I was thinking." "I loved her so much." "She was my little baby." "She was my little baby." "Why did I let my little baby go?" "Why did I let her go?" "You'll find someone else." "I won't." "Not like Vanessa." "You'll find love again someday." "you will." "Did you guys?" "we're whores." "Remember?" "Yeah." "my God." "Are you OK?" "What the hell is going on here?" "That prick fucking branded me!" "Neil." "Bring it." "Neil!" "Neil!" "Time to put your dick in the dirt." "What." "Neil!" "What are you doing?" "Come on." "Come on." "Come on." "Neil." "Neil!" "fuck Neil." "He just fucked us." "come on!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Neil!" "Come on!" "N.P. H!" "No!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "wait!" "We've got to get Neil." "we're stealing his car!" "We can't leave him back there." "He stole your fucking car last week!" "What was that?" "Hurry up." "Neil!" "man." "Guys." "man!" "Guys!" "Hurry up!" "Hurry up!" "hurry up." "dude." "my God!" "Holy shit!" "my God!" "Jesus Christ!" "Neil's dead!" "Neil's dead!" "No!" "my God!" "Get the fuck out of here!" "Go!" "Go!" "How do I say goodbye" "It's the dawn of a new day." "man." "I told you." "Will you please stop saying that?" "God." "He's gone." "Maybe he's got some family contact info in here." "I know I'm not calling Neil's parents." "What's in the bag?" "Holy fuck." "Creepy mask." "A jar with hair in it." "12 cans of Mace." "dude." "Holy shit." "we actually made it." "huh?" "Smell that?" "That smells like douche." "you will remain in this car." "Colton will help us out." "Why can't I just." "No." "Let me put it another way." "and our friendship is over." "I just." "Kumar." "Open the door and I will cut your fucking balls off." "Jesus." "OK." "Balls." "Go." "I'm a friend of Colton's." "Thank you." "God damn it." "Vanessa?" "You OK?" "let me help you up." "I thought you were going to Amsterdam." "me too." "It didn't work out." "You all right?" "does this hurt when I touch it?" "Yeah." "It does?" "Yeah." "This is just what I need." "A limp during the wedding." "Can you move it around in a circle?" "though." "So a little ice and massage should do the trick." "You'll be fine." "Are you gonna tell me why you're here?" "Roldy and I ran into some trouble." "and we figured that maybe your Colton could help us out." "huh?" "A little bit." "You remember that time that you broke into the animal lab." "stole that monkey and put it in Andy Rosenberg's dorm room?" "that was Goldstein's idea." "and second of all." "I never would have done that." "What about you?" "You put those disgusting used tampons in Professor Konop's purse." "Remember that?" "Come on." "She was a bitch and you know it." "What's going on here?" "she actually fell and broke her heel here." "I twisted my ankle." "Kumar was just looking at it." "I heard her yell." "man." "man." "No worries." "Roldy filled me in on the situation." "But don't worry." "I'll make sure my dad takes care of everything." "man." "you are going to the doctor." "Ramón!" "Ramón." "Please bring Vanessa to Dr. Harris immediately." "Vanessa." "Hope you feel better." "Bye." "Bye." "Guys." "All right." "guys." "Jet's all fueled." "You should be home in no time." "Sweet." "I can't believe you're doing this for us." "on the night before your wedding day." "I really appreciate it." "Thank you." "Please don't mention it." "Just want to make sure everything works out smoothly." "Are all these planes yours?" "No." "OK." "of course they are." "This guy's funny." "You're funny." "man." "dude." "You're not a douchebag." "Dude." "you're a good dude." "And I'm happy for you and Vanessa." "Kumar." "I really appreciate it." "Sure." "man." "You're going back all right." "This time you're not escaping." "Now!" "move!" "You are a douchebag." "fuck you!" "Yeah." "The last thing I was letting you guys do is ruin my wedding." "You did this?" "Of course he did this." "man." "How could you betray me like this?" "Rold." "You and me?" "You let me cheat off you in Advanced Accounting." "I could give a shit about you." "guys." "man!" "you're scaring me." "you're not one of those kungfu Asians." "for Christ's sakes." "bitch!" "dude!" "Fuck you!" "Fuck you!" "I'm awesome." "huh?" "Where's your Koran now?" "you moron." "that doesn't make us terrorists." "Hey!" "I'm talking to you." "Get back here!" "Metal under tension beggin' you to touch and go" "Highway to" "Man." "I can't believe we're going back." "Now do you see why I hate Colton Graham?" "Now do you see why I hate you?" "I asked you specifically to stay in the car." "I told you our friendship was at stake." "Vanessa fell down." "And I was helping her." "I don't want to hear the excuses!" "It's not an excuse!" "I don't want to hear the excuses!" "I heard her yelling!" "I don't want to hear it." "I'm sorry." "'Kay?" "Look at this." "Look at this." "OK?" "I fucked up and I always fuck up." "I am a fuckup." "You think?" "Harold." "dude." "man." "I love you." "Queers." "if we figure out." "OK?" "It's not just gonna be about Kumar all the time." "It'll be about Kumar and Harold." "Harold and Kumar." "I kind of like the first way better." "OK." "Harold and Kumar." "Harold and Kumar." "The hotter the intensity" "It's not all your fault." "it is." "I brought weed on the plane." "You got weed?" "No." "The other plane." "that guy fucking loves him." "He totally would have been able to bail us out." "man." "What?" "I got this." "Burl." "I actually still have some weed." "You do?" "Seriously?" "Yeah." "It's in my pants." "Hold up." "You want to smoke now?" "Just let me." "this is definitely not." ".get it." ".the time to smoke." "Highway to the danger zone" "Gonna take you right into the danger zone" "Highway to the danger zone you took Neil's Mace?" "figured we might need it." "good call." "can I get another water?" "What the fuck?" "Keep your hands up." "Please don't shoot us." "OK." "Please don't shoot." "It will be a cold day in hell before I let you hijack this plane." "what are you doing?" "Whose side are you on?" "I thought I told you to stay in the cockpit!" "Fox!" "I've had enough of your crap!" "You think that just because I'm smart." "you can treat me like some dork in gym class?" "It's obvious these kids are innocent." "But you're too dumb to realize that." "it's people like you." "who make the world think that Americans are stupid!" "we're not stupid!" "And we're not gonna take this shit anymore!" "guys." "It's all over now." "Everything's gonna be all right." "Jesus!" "Fuck!" "I don't wanna die!" "Kumar!" "What?" "I have the parachute!" "Come over here." "How the fuck am I supposed to do that?" "Swim!" "Holy shit." "It's fucking working!" "Yeah!" "dude." "Shit!" "Don't worry about him." "I have an idea." "What?" "Hang on." "Fuck you!" "that was so fuckin' extreme." "It was." "Kumar?" "Yeah." "aren't they?" "I guess they are." "I was just checking." "can you move us out of the way?" "There's a house coming up down here." "I have no idea what I'm doing." "Dude!" "The glass hurt my dick." "The glass hurt my dick." "I think I'm OK." "Yeah." "my God." "dude." "You all right?" "Fuck!" "I think so!" "We gotta get out of here before the people who live here find us." "I know." "They're gonna be." "Dude?" "Dude?" "What's up?" "No." "Holy shit!" "What the hell are y'all doing in my office?" "You'd better start giving me some answers!" "George?" "We're gonna be late for that wedding." "you guys." "Keep quiet." "Follow me." "That guy scares the crap out of me." "Let's go hide in the guesthouse." "Come the fuck on." "I'm coming." "Yeah" "This is a cool room." "Yeah." "this is where I come to escape from work." "sir." "So who the heck are you guys?" "All right." "sir." "and this is Kumar Patel." "we were on a parachute and we sort of landed on your ranch." "this is weed." "That's Alabama Kush." "That's only the finest." "So you get high and then you put other people who smoke weed in jail?" "look." "Kumar." "sir." "You like getting hand jobs?" "Yeah." "that makes you a fucking hypocriticizer too." "So shut the fuck up and smoke my weed." "love." "What are you doing here?" "It's bad luck." "The ceremony starts in a hour." "I just want to let you know." "I had catering get an extra case of Coors Light." "in case the President comes." "It's his favorite beer." "Do you think that'll be enough?" "I don't know." "Yes?" "Who cares?" "were you able to work everything out with Kumar and Harold?" "Chestnut." "I took complete care of 'em." "They thought you guys were terrorizers." "man." "They sent us to Guantánamo Bay." "Fuck!" "G. Bay?" "Tell me you didn't eat that cockmeat sandwich." "thank God." "That cockmeat sandwich." "That's my favorite." "my God." "This is good shit." "I know." "I know." "I laced it with blow." "Fuck." "and it keeps you going at the same time." "why don't you just legalize it?" "Are you fucking kidding me?" "You know how pissed off my dad would get if I did that?" "dude." "about this whole." "right?" "I know." "but like." "fucking. sometimes I wonder if he's just encouraging me." "because he knows it'll make me happy." "you know?" "You just blew my fuckin' mind." "Hi." "Hi." "You look good." "Daddy." "it's W." "I don't need your friends to tell me what to do anymore." "I'm not being disrespectful." "That's what I say." "all right?" "I don't need them to tell me how to do what I have to do." "dude!" "Dad." "Fuck you!" "that was awesome." "You guys are awesome." "No." "No." "You're awesome!" "you are awesome." "Seriously." "about our situation." "all right?" "That means I get to pardon whoever I want." "You guys are in the fuckin' clear." "Don't worry." "Mr. President." "Yeah." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Don't mention it." "after all the shit that we've been through." "I don't know if we can trust our government anymore." "Trust the government?" "Yeah." "Heck." "I'm in the government and I don't even trust it." "You don't have to believe in your government to be a good American." "You just have to believe in your country." "Exactly." "Exactly." "Right." "isn't it?" "it is." "all right?" "there is one thing." "man." "I lit a lot of these candles." "Great." "All clear." "Safe to proceed." "He's here!" "I knew he'd come." "let 'em in." "What is happen." "Who is that?" "Harold?" "Kumar?" "I apologize for interrupting this beautiful ceremony." "But there is no way in hell." "that I'm letting the only woman I've ever loved marry that piece of shit." "please." "they're with us." "Yeah." "bitch." "What the hell is going on?" "I'll tell you what's going on." "Your fiancé promised to get us out of trouble." "But instead he arranged for us to be sent back to Guantánamo Bay." "where we'd be forced to suck Big Bob's fat dick." "it's true." "I'll take care of this myself." "wait." "No." "You son of a bitch." "man." "let me explain." "Explain?" "Explain why you're putting me through." "the most embarrassing moment of my life?" "what if I did something embarrassing to myself?" "Would that make you feel better?" "There's nothing you can do that would be this embarrassing." "I fear that I will always be A lonely number like root three" "A three is all that's good and right" "Why must my three keep out of sight Beneath a vicious squareroot sign?" "I wish instead I were a nine" "For nine could thwart this evil trick With just some quick arithmetic" "I know I'll never see the sun" "As 1.7321" "You fucking tool." "anus." "Such is my reality A sad irrationality just what is this I see?" "Another square root of a three" "Has quietly come waltzing by" "Together now we multiply" "To form a number we prefer" "Rejoicing as an integer" "We break free from our mortal bonds" "And with a wave of magic wands" "Our squareroot signs become unglued" "And love for me has been renewed" "You were right." "That was pretty lame." "Told you." "I can't promise you the kind of lifestyle that Colton could." "And I can't promise you that I'm gonna mature overnight." "But what I can promise you is that." "I smoked weed with the President." "I totally forgot what I was going to say." "I can promise you that I will always love you." "And I'll never try and make you into something that you're not." "what do you say you take a brother back?" "Only if you promise to get me out of this awkward situation." "as soon as possible." "Come here." "Yeah!" "That's my boy!" "Ku!" "Come on." "Let's get the hell back to Jersey." "hold on." "First we gotta do something for my buddy here." "Got to go somewhere." "Where?" "do you know what that's worth?" "heaven is a place on earth" "They say in heaven love comes first" "We'll make heaven a place on earth heaven is a place on earth" "Hey." "Hey." "huh?" "No." "Called every hotel in the city." "I walked all around." "I just can't find her anywhere." "dude." "What?" "there she is." "go get her!" "man." "So fuck it." "Forget about that." "Yeah." "all right?" "We'll go back to the Jerz." "all right?" "No." "fuck it." "I came way too far." "We went through too much shit to." "I'm gonna talk to her." "don't go in there." "Come on." "Just wait." "man." "Wait till we get back to Jersey." "What the fuck are you doing?" "toi?" "I didn't understand what you said." "man?" "You're ruining my shot." "You what?" "Get off my set!" "I'm so confused." "What's." "I'm doing a photo shoot." "For High Times you're a model." "You're very hot." "You're a model." "Right." "I always wondered what you did for a living." "wait a second." "So you're not with this dude?" "Are you kidding?" "Me?" "Yeah." "No." "Anton is like totally gay." "what are you doing here?" "I didn't want to wait ten days to see you." "so I thought I would come and surprise you." "That is so sweet." "OK." "It's sweet." "I've been thinking about you this whole time." "You have?" "I have." "I missed you so much." "I missed you." "dude." "Roldy." "Maria." "My name is Kumar." "I've heard so much about you." "Hi." "Maria." "Hey." "Hey." "How you doing?" "how would you like to get really fucking high." "since we're in Amsterdam?" "Yeah." "Shall we?" "Sounds like a plan." "Let's do it." "So in the beginning there was hum from a poet drum" "He would perform praise and all come it was his cost" "His missus he thinks is a little lost" "People get held back by the voice inside 'em the voice said the voices speak inside you greed and lies too he moved aways" "He soon became " " Boom boom boom his heart is no more his soul is no more" "Yeah" "That was in the beginning" "The cops beat him when all he wants is his freedom beat him" "And they teach him the rest of the world don't need him" "And he believes the disease that he's heathen" "Put up your fists if all you want is freedom" "Put up your fists if all you want is" "That was in the beginning" "And things change" "yeah" "We keep holding on and we keep being strong and on and on and on" "And we keep holding on and we keep being strong" "And we keep going on and on and on and on" "And we keep holding on and we keep being strong" "And we keep going on and on and on and on" "And we keep holding on and we keep being strong" "And we keep going on and on and on and on" "Brothers and sisters " " Yeah yeah!" "And tonight this speaker is Reverend Rufus Johnson" "I wake up praising God every day" "I wanna smoke some weed and roll me a J" "Jesus" "Lord hey you high " " Uhhuh" "Let's get higher than the motherfucking sky" "Watch the butterflies hit the wall" "And if you're feeling down give your boy a call that's why Bizarre smokes ten blunts a day green stuff pass it and take a puff stop by my house" "'Cause most likely I got a blunt in my mouth relax and chill" "I got some pills a fucking refill?" "A fat bag of weed and some Happy Meals?" "only fat bags of weed in this Escort" "I wake up praising God every day" "I wanna smoke some weed and roll me a J" "Jesus" "Lord hey watching TJ drink just like Coolio" "Only church I know is Snoop Dogg's studio throw it in my lap get the acid tab" "I'm glad that I didn't move down South be the man of the house" "Orange mushrooms and yellow stars Fat bags of beetles in Mason jars jump in and two of your freaky friends" "Fuck it!" "Let's go to see the point he can hit the joint" "'Cause rapping is a fulltime job yeah" "I wake up praising God every day" "I wanna smoke some weed and roll me a J" "Jesus" "Lord hey yeah" "We gonna slow it down right here" "We havin' church up in here tonight It's the Reverend Rufus Johnson cone it" "praise God with us" "I wake up praising God every day" "I wanna smoke some weed and roll me a J" "Jesus" "Lord" "Jesus" "Lord hey" "Sunday morning " " I wake up praising" "Baptist " " God every day" "Jehovah Witness " " I wanna smoke some weed yeah " " And" "Roll me a J " " Come praise God" "Jesus" "Jesus " " Yeah" "Lord " Services" "Lord " " Sunday" "For letting me " " At 4:20" "Sunday at 4:20 praise God" "Just 'cause you smoke weed don't mean you're a sinner" "What? " " Just 'cause you smoke weed" "It don't mean you don't believe in God" "Jesus will take care of you" "Jesus" "You need Jesus" "Motherfucker!" "Subtitles by LeapinLar"