"There goes the bell as we enter the last lap of this extraordinary race." "He's trying to overtake him round the outside but he can't get through." "It's Scorpus in green, moving up to third place." "Looks like too little too late, though, for the reigning champion." "Whatever happens now, you can say to your grandchildren," ""Yes, I was there!"" "What's going on now?" "There's a lot of sand." "Some cheering." "There's a guy selling nuts." "In the race, tell me about the race." "Someone in the crowd's gone topless." "Quickly tell me about that." "Some fat bloke." "And back to the race." "Stop squeezing my neck!" "Here comes red again..." "Shit, I knew it!" "I knew I shouldn't have bet on green." "You shouldn't have bet at all." "That's 40 denari down the drain." "You shouldn't gamble our money away without asking me." "Hang on, 40?" "I thought you said four?" "I said 40, I just said the 'T' very quietly." "You total twat!" "Red's out of it." "He smacked into a wall." "Oh, yes!" "That's nasty." "He's covered in blood." "That's a shame, but still yes!" "Come on, green!" "Blue and green are neck-and-neck." "They're round the final bend." "It's well tied." "Get your hands out of my face!" "And?" "And?" "Green!" "Yes!" "I knew it would be green!" "No, it's blue." "You idiot!" "I told you, I told you not to throw our money away." "No, green." "It is green." "Yes!" "I'm still really angry with you." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Oi, you three." "Piss off or buy a ticket like everyone else." "We'll piss off, thanks." "We saw it for nothing, mate, and we made a packet, so " "You know what you are, don't you?" "So that's a cool 100 for me and a cool 100 for you." "What do I get?" "Nothing, Grumio." "You're my slave." "Your money is my money." "So is your money my money?" "No, that's still my money." "Essentially, everything's mine." "Come on, you stingy git." "Give me some." "You're only gonna go and spaff it all on Cynthia." "Er, no, he won't." "I might actually." "There's a swanky new Hispanian restaurant just opened that I want to take her to." "See?" "You've got to let her go, bro." "You're getting nowhere fast." "Or I'm getting somewhere slow." "You've not grappled anybody since we got to Rome." "You're denying other ladies the chance to get busy with you." "I think they're fine with that." "None of that." "We have got 100 denari each." "This is our chance to start again." "To become the big men of Rome." "Meaning?" "Well, I'm going to reinvent myself as a charioteer." "Oh, wicked." "Girls wet themselves for those guys." "In a good way." "I think chariots cost a bit more than 100 denari, mate." "Who said anything about getting a chariot?" "I can't even drive." "How's that gonna work?" "Salve, ladies." "Stylax, charioteer." "Hey, Metella." "Have a nice weekend?" "You want Cynthia, right?" "I was trying to make conversation with you first." "Why?" "Because it's neighbourly." "Are you actually interested in my life at all?" "Well, no, but " "So just say what you want rather than waste my time asking inane questions." "OK, fine." "I'd like to see Cynthia." "There we are." "That's better, isn't it?" "Cynthia!" "Yeah?" "It's Marcus." "Shall I tell him you're out?" "Oh, er..." "I can hear all this, by the way." "Oh." "Er, no, then." "Hey, Marcus." "What's up?" "Hey." "So I've managed to bag a table tomorrow night at this new Hispanian restaurant if you wanted to join me." "They do patatas bravas." "That's really sweet, but I'd better not." "I've got an audition coming up for the part of a sylph." "Right." "What's a sylph?" "Like a cross between a nymph and a sprite." "So..." "Thin, basically." "I'm only eating cress at the mo'." "Certainly can't have patatas." "Potatoes." "Can't have those either." "Sorry." "OK." "Good luck with the audition - Oh." "You all right, darling?" "Yep." "You ain't gonna jump, are you?" "No." "Just er, problem neighbours." "Well, er, thanks for the warning." "I'm Marcus." "I live in that one." "Well, I'm Amanda and I live in this one." "You're not free at all tomorrow night are you, Amanda?" "I'm so proud of you, man!" "I didn't deceive her or waste months pretending to be her friend." "I just asked her out, straight up." "And she just said yes?" "Indeed she did." "What's wrong with her then?" "Nothing." "This guy is a hunk." "She's going because she fancies him." "Or because she fancies a big steak supper." "No, actually, cos it's not that kind of food." "It's all small dishes designed for sharing." "You'll struggle with that then, you stingy bastard." "Oh my Jove." "There you go then, Grumio." "Don't say I never give you anything." "One deni?" "Thanks a bloody bunch!" "You don't even own a chariot." "Well, not yet." "And yet you bought leathers, cuffs, a cape " "A helmet." "Don't help him." "In case you crash your imaginary chariot into an imaginary wall?" "All I know is that women love men who live on the edge." "Who laugh in the face of death." "I know, mate." "Hence why they love me." "What?" "You laugh in the face of death do you, Aurelius?" "I once had sex in a graveyard." "So..." "Wow." "Yes, thank you." "I know." "And did you put the corpse back afterwards?" "No - Did you just leave it there?" "It wasn't with a corpse" " Were you laughing in its face?" "It was a living woman." "She started off that way..." "For the whole time " "Does she still walk?" "I would never hump a corpse!" "I think I'll be cremated all the same, water boy, just to be safe." "Yes, good idea." "Water man." "Shredder, have you got yourself a chariot?" "Of course he has." "What kind of fool would buy all the chariot kit without having a chariot?" "I must say, I do like young men in leather." "And in general." "Thank you very much." "My husband collects chariots." "I tell him he's compensating for shortcomings elsewhere." "Is that what you're doing?" "No, no shortcomings here." "Long-comings if anything." "That reminds me, I've left my lunchbox at home." "Be a love and whizz back and get it for me." "Go to your house?" "Won't take long in a chariot." "30-minute round trip." "I might need a bit longer." "Nonsense." "Crack the whip!" "You do have a whip, don't you?" "No, so maybe I shouldn't go." "No, no, no." "You can borrow one of mine." "Follow me." "Don't forget your helmet, mate." "Safety first." "Salve, Grumio." "All right, landlord?" "What's with the bling?" "Well, you know, business is booming so I thought I'd treat myself." "What's with the big man?" "I thought I'd treat myself to him too." "I'm accessorising." "His name's Davis." "All right, fella." "In fact, take the weight off a sec will you, Davis?" "That's better." "How can I get rich then?" "Well, in my experience, the easiest way to make money is to have loads already." "Right." "Any other ways?" "Could work really hard." "Any other ways?" "You could try something like Amanda over there." "What's her story then?" "Works from home." "World's oldest profession." "She busy then, is she?" "Oh, yeah." "Lot of happy customers." "Going in and out." "Know what I mean?" "That'll do." "Lovely." "Hello?" "Yes?" "What do you want?" "Hey." "Hm?" "My name's Stylax, I work with Flavia." "Mm-hm?" "And what do you want?" "I'm here to pick up her lunchbox." "It's there." "Is that it?" "Could I have a glass of water?" "No." "Eff off, then." "Cool, I'll just - Yeah." "Just go." "He's definitely doing the dirty." "You don't know that." "He was with a woman who was butt-naked and boobs-naked." "Everything-naked." "Which tunic do you think?" "That one." "I caught him with his dick in the cookie jar and you know what that means?" "His dick's got crumbs on it." "And therefore?" "Don't eat his cookies?" "We threaten to tell Flavia." "No way." "We're not blackmailing him." "I just want some hush money." "Or a chariot." "I want a hush chariot." "Count me in." "It's got sod all to do with you, Grumio." "Or any of us." "Right, how do I look?" "You're an absolute dreamboat, mate." "If I were a girl, I'd ruin you." "That's a bit weird, but thanks." "Now remember, you are a big man of Rome so splash the cash, spread the love and show the girl a good time." "So, so proud." "Wow." "This is dead posh, innit?" "The forks are metal and everything." "Yes, well, order anything else you want." "It's all on me." "So have you got a good job then, Marcus?" "Er, sort of." "I work for Rome's third largest grain supply company." "Oh, wow." "I bet you like grain then." "I don't actually work with the grain myself." "I'm a copier." "Try the patatas." "I do know a thing or two about grain." "I grew up on a farm." "Oh, wow." "Do you know, I love farms." "All the little ducks and everything." "I bet that was brilliant." "Yeah, it had its moments." "Oh, yeah?" "What sort of moments?" "Er, let's think." "Erm, one time I was in a chicken coup and I found a square egg." "Square?" "Really?" "That's dead odd, innit?" "Cos eggs are usually sort of round." "Egg-shaped, yeah, I know." "But this was more... it wasn't a perfect square, it was still an egg." "But put it this way, it's on my parent's mantelpiece and it's not rolling anywhere." "Have some more wine." "OK." "Oh, don't worry about it." "No, no." "Waiter." "One more bottle of wine, please." "Yes, sir." "House again?" "Erm, no, actually." "I think this time we'll go one up from house." "Salve, ladies." "Stylax, charioteer." "They could tell, can't they?" "Tell what?" "That I'm not a real charioteer." "I'm just a twat in a uniform." "Hang on." "I wish we had more money." "Well, that didn't work, did it?" "Oh, Marcus." "That is amazing." "Shall I keep going?" "Up to you, babes." "Do whatever you want." "I'll keep going." "Just a mo'." " I'll be five minutes, yeah?" " OK, no worries." "I'm sorry, babes." "It's your five minute warning." "Why, who was that?" "My next client." "Just a bit early." ""Client"?" "Sorry, Amanda, are you a " "I'm not being rude - but are you a - Er, yeah." "Ah." "How long were you down there for?" "Maybe... an hour?" "An hour?" "I can't believe I was so stupid." "She laughed at my jokes." "She even liked the square egg story." "That's basically a prostitute test." "I like that story." "This is all your fault, you realise?" "How do you work that out?" "I was trying to spread the love." "Show her a good time." "And look where that got me." "100 denari bill and lockjaw." "For that sort of money you really should have humped her." "I just warmed her up for the next guy." "Or guys." "I probably wasn't even her first of the day." "No, you weren't." "How do you know?" "Cos I saw her with a fat bloke." "Right." "And why didn't you tell me?" "Landlord said she did the oldest job in the world." "That's a prostitute." "Famously a prostitute." "Right." "I thought it were a cook." "A cook?" "Why would it be a cook?" "Even a prozzie's got to eat, hasn't she?" "He makes a fair point." "You should have given me the money." "It wouldn't have ended up like this." "Oh, really?" "It wouldn't have ended with me sucking you off?" "Good to know!" "Hi, guys." "Hey, Cynthia." "Hello, hello." "How was the audition?" "Hideous." "I was so weak from the cress diet that I passed out walking up the stairs." "Oh, shit." "I know." "On the flipside, I'm now hardcore comfort eating." "So if you still want to go to that restaurant, then I'm game." "Yeah." "I'm a bit broke is all." "My treat." "Just got Nana's inheritance fund." "Oh, great." "And condolences, obviously." "Also, I don't know if you've noticed but landlord's moved a filthy whore into the building." "We just found out ourselves." "So I've started a petition to have her evicted before the whole building's crawling with horny creeps." "Do you know what I mean?" "Completely, yeah." "So you'll sign it, right?" "I...of course." "I just came round to say thank you for a lovely evening and to see if there's any way I could get away with not paying for it." "Why?" "I didn't know that you were a..." "He didn't have a clue." "Did you not spot the red candle?" "See, I grew up on a farm where we didn't have the whole red candle system." "What about how flirty I was with you?" "I genuinely thought you were into me." "And when I checked your dick for lice?" "Yeah, in hindsight that was a bit odd." "Even so, the fact is you got taken to a fancy restaurant where you ate two desserts and then received oral attention." "For an hour." "Approx." "If anything, you should be paying him." "That won't be necessary, but maybe we could call it quits?" "What you choose to do in our time is entirely up to you." "You didn't find it weird that I chose to do that?" "For an hour?" "He's got lockjaw, for Jove's sake!" "OK, mate." "Could we at least arrange a discount?" "I'll give you a 20% discount, only because you're a dopey twat." "Thank you, that's kind of you." "But I will need it for today." "Fine." "Well, if you'll excuse me, I need my beauty sleep." "I am chockablock later." "Sorry, erm, have you got a menu I could take away?" "Is it called a menu?" "So what are we going to say to him?" ""Game's up, sucker!" "We know you're doing the dirty."" "We're not calling him "sucker." We need to set the tone, show him we mean business." "People who mean business don't say "sucker." How about "nonce"?" "Doesn't "nonce" mean paedophile?" ""Shut your mush, you fucking mush."" "Forget about that." "What are our demands gonna be?" "I need 80 denari." "Round that up to a cool grand." "That's more than rounding up." "Plus a chariot." "And a horse." "Good thinking." "Some feed for the horse." "Er, yeah." "Some feed for me." "Why do you need feed?" "Cos I'm hungry." "Some feed for G-man." "Or "food" as we tend to call it." "A cool grand, chariot, a horse, some feed and some food." "OK." "Let's do this." "Shut your fucking mush, you bozo bitch sucker." "You all right?" "Yeah." "I was here yesterday for the lunchbox." "I know." "And?" "And when I was here I saw something." "Something big." "And bad." "Get to the point maybe?" "Your dick's got crumbs on it." "What?" "I saw her." "The naked lady frolicking about, I saw her." "Oh, right." "Now we're getting somewhere." "And you thought you'd come back with your two heavies, did you, to blackmail me?" "And if you don't want us to tell Flavia, you'd better meet our demands." "Flavia, darling, love of my life." "Come down here for a moment will you, please?" "There's some idiots at the door." "When do we get to do our demands?" "I'm not sure we do." "Ah, yes." "These are my idiots." "And my idiots' idiot." "It's all getting very exciting down here, darling." "They're trying to blackmail me." "No, he said blackmail." "I didn't say " "They're threatening to tell you about the naked lady that was here yesterday." "Oh, bless." "Do you want to handle this or should I go and get my big sword?" "No, no, no." "Leave it with me, Cornelius, my love." "Light of my world." "Forgive my husband for being brusque, boys, he's just a very talented artist and therefore a very rude person." "Currently he's working on a sculpture on the birth of Venus." "The nude was his model." "Oh, right." "You sure?" "I hardly think Venus would be clothed at birth, would she?" "I mean, were you born clothed?" "No." "Can't remember." "I'm sorry." "We needed money." "I see." "Well, since you're here, Shredder, why don't you chauffeur me into town?" "I'll give you ten denari." "I don't actually own a chariot, turns out." "Just got the uniform." "Well, do please come again soon." "Can we carry you for ten denari?" "Or five?" "We're desperate." "Is there anything we can do?" "Well, maybe rob a bank?" "Ey up, I've got an idea." "Is it robbing a bank?" "Not quite." "Come on, get stuck in." "I think this is illegal." "Nobody owns this money." "They've literally thrown it away." "So they'd have their wishes granted." "It works, don't it?" "Last night I wished we had more money and today we do." "It's a miracle, praise the Gods!" "Bloody hell, five denari." "Nice one." "Next time I'm bringing a bucket." "Are we big men now?" "Cos I don't feel like a big man." "Did you just splash me?" "Sorry." "Fountains make me want to do splashy-splashy." "Grumio, do not splash him back." "I order you." "If he's gonna do splashy-splashy, then so am I." "Oi, stop a sec." "No, you're only gonna splashy-splashy me!" "Seriously..." "Oi!" "Shit, maybe it is illegal." "Stay where you are." "Oi!" "Psst." "Spare any change?" "You're turning this place into a den of sin." "You should have checked with the tenants first." "She's not hurting anyone." "Unless they pay her to." "What if one of your dirty clients accidentally knocks on my door in the night?" "Take him in, darling." "You could do well." "Thank you very much, but that's not really the point." "Especially if you remove that pole from your arse." "Right, that is it." "Landlord, you have to get rid of her." "I'm not alone here." "I've started a petition amongst the other tenants." "You what?" "I've already got several supporters." "Marcus!" "You'll back me up." "I was just going to get changed." "This is important." "For when we go out." ""The following tenants demand the eviction of the whore from flat six."" "Did you sign it?" "Did I?" "I can't remember..." ""Marcus Goer." Yep, you did, yeah." "You can bloody forget the discount now then." "Discount?" "What discount?" "Uh-huh, this is interesting." "There was a misunderstanding." "I want the full 100, now." "You paid for sex?" "No, he hasn't paid yet." "I didn't actually have sex with her." "What did you do, then?" "Doesn't matter." "Erm... sorry, it's a bit wet." "You're paying me in damp change." "Are you serious?" "Still legal tender." "8, 10, 17, 20, 24..." "I'm a bit short." "Could I owe you?" "No, you couldn't." "Right." "Erm..." "Cynthia, any chance I could borrow some" " What?" "You want me to fund your prostitute habit?" "It's not a habit, it was a one-off." "And a mistake." "I thought it might be pleasure rather than business." "You thought someone would go out with you for pleasure?" "Don't start." "How much?" "76 denari." "I'm really sorry." "This is not what Nana's inheritance is for." "Here's 80." "You can keep the change." "It was a pleasure doing business with you." "Thank you." "I'll pay you back." "And tonight, are we still on for dinner?" "You expect me to pay your prostitute bills and then buy you dinner?" "Well, ideally..." "Wow." "Legend." "I don't need a chariot." "Don't need it." "I'll stick to walking." "I like walking." "You're good at walking." "Plus there's running costs, the parking." "One-way system's a nightmare." "They are as sexy as hell, though." "You're not wrong." "This one's just like the one outside Flavia's " "Uh-oh!" "I've got you now, you dirty little punk-arsed pussy sucker." "Bloody nonce." "Oh, shit." "Take the next left." "Don't know how." "Where are we going, then?" "It's sort of up to the horse." "Salve, ladies." "Stylax, charioteer." "Marcus, big man of Rome." "We've arrived, baby." "The big men have arrived!"