"TRlCKSTERS" "Do you know a guy named Hipólito Ramírez Ortega?" "He's a taxi driver." "He was savagely stabbed eight times." "Are you telling me this to start my day off well?" "I've already been robbed 5 times, Melquiades." "And you didn't tell me about it?" "Why do you think my head was bandaged for 20 days?" "Oh, right, that's why." "But you see how all enigmas get solved in the end." "The same thing happened for centuries with Egyptian writing, which couldn't be penetrated by human ingenuity, until a Napoleonic soldier applied himself to the task..." "Goodbye." "Aren't you going to shave?" "What for?" "Well, what have you decided?" "No." "But you said that..." "Look." "TWO PERSONS SHOOT american TURlST AT BARAJAS airport" "There are bigger fish that are dying to do whatever it takes... so that this material doesn't reach its destination." "That was your courier, right?" "Right." "Still, I'm going to stick with it." "I need your help." "If you fail me..." "l'm sorry, Rubén." "But you said..." "You can't leave me hanging." "You know I got involved in a very compromising situation... and I had to ask for loans." "First from the bank, and then when I had no more credit from loan sharks." "Sharks." "The only way I have of paying it off is by sending this." "If these people haven't got paid by Sunday at midnight, my family will suffer the consequences." "l already said I'm sorry." "lt's a million euros!" "But if I'm dead I can't spend it." "Listen carefully." "I do business with these guys... and they've made it very clear that whoever gets involved... will end up dead." "Bad folks, Rubén, bad folks." "Well what do you think loan sharks are like?" "What's wrong?" "Don't you know anyone?" "To transport it?" "No one crazy enough to do it." "Especially after this." "Listen." "No one knows I'm in Madrid." "I can't let myself be seen." "If you find someone I'll show you my gratitude." "I'm telling you that no professional... lt doesn't have to be a professional!" "l don't think I can do anything." "l need your help." "I beg you!" "Find someone." "Fine." "But don't hold your breath." "See you later." "Shit, geeze, not a single one." "The best lottery: work." "That's what my father would say." "Your father was a philosopher." "How much is a coffee?" "One euro." "And each pastry?" "." "35 cents each, two for 70 cents." "A coffee and two pastries." "One seventy." "Geeze." "Do you have a light?" "Shit!" "Julito!" "Aren't you Julio?" "Mrs. Eulalia's son, from Carrión?" "Well I'll be damned!" "And you're Augusto!" "No way in hell!" "No way in hell!" "Julio and Augusto." "Like the months!" "No way in hell!" "When I started with the taxi I said:" ""A few years and then God knows"." "And God said that I'm fine as a taxi driver." "20 years behind the wheel, 5 hold-ups in the past 2 years." "And my back gone to pot." "And the taxi isn't even mine." "When I had enough to get one, my wife left me with my savings and an Uruguayan." "You got married." "Yep." "With a girl that worked at a hostess bar." "You go three times, flirt a bit, feel up a tit, tell her your life story... and she tells you she's fed up with the rough life." "So we got married, a church wedding with all the fanfare." "She even cried." "It must be funny to see me be the fool." "Less than a year later the Uruguayan showed up... and Toni and the dough disappeared." "But she did leave me her father to keep me company." "What a bitch, geeze." "And she left you with her father." "No, he's a good guy." "When we got married we went to live with him." "Now I pay the bills and he takes care of the house." "So, what's your story?" "." "Did you get the job in the movies?" "Sort of." "What do you mean sort of?" "l was a specialist." "What a life, man." "Money, women..." "With five." "Five what?" "Five famous actresses." "I slept with 5 stars." "No way!" "Five." "What kind of specialist were you?" "The kind that falls off of horses?" "The kind that falls out of windows." "l guess you've given it up?" "Too many years and too many broken bones." "Plus, they don't make adventure movies anymore." "My bones are shredded... and I've never slept with anyone famous." "So what do you do now?" "." "I'm out of work, out of money and I owe three months' rent." "Damn." "Hey, I can offer you a room." "You'd have to share it with my father-in-law." "He's a bit off his rocker." "He talks with things." "With things?" "Yeah." "He talks with the butane cylinder." "He tells it things that he doesn't even tell me." "No, thanks." "How can I earn money?" "." "l wouldn't be here if I knew." "I'll buy a switchblade." "I wouldn't go that far." "Let's see." "Are you really that bad off?" "Do I look fine to you?" "Do you remember Arsenio?" "The one from Carrión?" "Yeah." "The one that knocked up the priest's niece?" "The stupid one." "The stupid one." "Well, the stupid one has been in Madrid for 20 years." "And he's well-off." "Will he lend me a hand?" "He's a thief, but he's also one of us." "How can I find him?" "l know how." "Man, if it's not as a chauffeur or something like that." "So, you don't want to work." "You just want the money." "Does it really have to be strictly legal?" "If it pays well it doesn't matter." "Okay." "I have a friend who's in hot water." "And he needs someone willing to gamble." "I'm willing." "I'm warning you it's dangerous." "I backed out." "Tell him to call me." "Great. I'll give him your number." "How much is he offering?" "A million euros." "How much is that in pesetas?" "166 million." "166?" "Seriously?" "." "Does he have to kill anybody?" "." "No." "Will he trust me?" "lf he doesn't find anyone better..." "This is my home phone number." "Tell your friend to call me." "My landlady lives right next door." "If she hears us she'll pester me about the rent." "Yeah." "So don't make any noise." "l won't." "Go ahead." "Good." "l'm going to take a shower." "OK, go ahead." "Don't make any noise." "l won't!" "Shit!" "lf the phone rings, answer it." "Go take a shower, leave me alone." "And careful where you sit." "All right." "What the hell!" "?" "I told you...!" "Julio!" "Open up!" "It's Rosa!" "Shit!" "Julio!" "I'm coming!" "Three months amounts to a lot." "You gotta understand." "Of course." "And to make it up to you, here's next month's, too." "Well, thanks a lot." "God be with you." "You're such a gem, Julio." "You know it, don't you?" "Of course, Miss Rosa." "This check will bounce, right?" "She'll try to cash it when the banks open." "So I have to be out of here by 9 in the morning." "Unless that guy calls." "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "Arsenio spoke to me about a guy, but I don't know." "Yeah." "I'll call you when there's news." "OK." "A kiss." "I don't resent her even though she cheated on me." "She was a whore." "And being a whore runs in the blood." "Her mother was a whore, too." "She drove poor Melquiades mad." "And after all, Toni treated me better." "She fucked around on me and robbed me, but she didn't leave me talking to the walls." "Come on, she's a bitch." "OK, she is." "What about you?" "Did you get married?" "Yeah." "How did it go?" "lf you only knew." "It's 5." "That guy hasn't called." "Look, Julio." "The guy who owns my taxi is old." "Two years ago ajunkie put a knife to his throat... and he had a heart attack that left him a wreck." "He slaved all his life just to end up like that." "When a person feels sorry for his boss, it's time to change jobs." "May I?" "Listen, Julito." "If this guy calls you on the phone, let's go halvies." "Are you going to get involved in the mess?" "Are you nuts?" "You have ajob, a house and a madman taking care of you." "I'm sick of the taxi, the crazy guy, my boss's heart attack, not having had one good woman, or a good car, or having travelled!" "Let's say the guy calls and says we might get killed." "Then again, the junkie with the switchblade... sneezes and kills me." "If we're gonna die, let it be for something." "Here." "No." "Cocaine." "Our friend spoke to us about an amount." "A million euros for whoever makes the delivery." "Where do we have to take it?" "To Perpignan, in France near the Spanish border." "Excuse me?" "From here?" "From Madrid?" "No." "The goods will arrive at Cartagena." "You'll have to pick them up there at night the day after tomorrow." "All the information's written down here." "Look." "There're people who don't want the goods to reach their destination." "Let's say they don't want others encroaching on their territory, in their market." "They're powerful, tough, and well-known in this milieu." "Not a single one of the usual carriers... wants to do the job." "And the only one who wanted to, Chester, is full of bullets in the morgue." "No one wants that kind of enemy." "You getting the picture?" "That's why you want two unknowns?" "Smart fellow." "You see." "Excuse me, please." "But, do you think that...?" "Possibly." "It's useless to try to paint a pretty picture." "I can't go on." "Neither can anyone I know." "They know all the possible couriers." "If I don't meet the delivery deadline, which expires Sunday at midnight, not only will I pay the consequences, so will my wife and daughters." "We'll do the job." "Good." "Very good." "In here you'll find complete instructions... and money for the arrangements." "The goods will come in a Rover." "Don't even think of using cell phones." "They're very easy to pinpoint." "One more thing." "Try to fix yourselves up like you belong in the car." "Imagine they ask us questions." "Such as, what are we doing travelling in an amazing car." "And with a taxi driver's documents, and who knows what yours says." "But if we bring along my father-in-law, we can pass for two errand boys... taking a rich guy to commit him to a sanatorium." "If anyone doubts that he's crazy, just let them talk to him." "Nobody will discover it because he's nuts." "Who would suspect us if we travel with a true nutcase?" "You don't have anyone to leave the old guy with." "What a piece of shit." "lt's a fucking great idea." "Because it's yours." "It's OK, bring the guy." "Another thing." "The money." "Would you mind not looking?" "Would you mind leaving me alone?" "What's up with the money?" "." "We have to rent a car." "They've given us dollars and we'll have to exchange them." "I know a guy at a hotel that gives a better rate than anyone else." "Come on, give it to me." "Don't you trust me?" "We can go together." "l do trust you." "Wait." "But man..." "l need it to get a few things." "Fine." "I'll turn in the taxi, exchange the dollars and rent the car." "But we go to Cartagena first thing in the morning." "Right." "You can spend the night tonight." "No." "This may be my last night and I'm going to live it up." "Come pick me up at the hotel Husa Princesa." "Fine. I'll come get you." "At 7 o'clock sharp." "Sharp." "Yeah?" "I'm coming down right now." "Lola." "Get up." "What time is it?" "Late." "You won't believe this." "The day before yesterday, at the airport, a man was killed while he was speaking on the phone." "Really?" "." "You heard it." ""William Chester, who came in an aeroplane from New York, was shot more than 20 times... by two men using two machine guns."" "We live in the jungle, Augusto." "We're going back to the jungle!" "What savagery." "I sure don't know what's going to happen to us." "What was his name?" "Who?" "The dead guy." "William Shakespeare." "Get real, man." "Chester, William Chester." "Shakespeare..." "There." "Tie." "Let's go." "Lola, Augusto." "Hello, I'm Lola." "Hello, Lola." "Hello." "My name is Melquiades and I'm Augusto's father-in-law." "Are you coming on the trip with us?" "Yes." "Wonderful." "A beautiful lady always brightens up any kind of trip." "Please make yourself comfortable here, miss." "Good lord!" "Good god!" "Out of my way, I'm going." "Who is she?" "The nurse." "What nurse?" "The crazy guy's." "Rich people have maids, tutors, nurses..." "You know how it is." "She's a whore, right?" "Massage therapist." "Massage therapist?" "l like her." "Since we don't know how we're going to end up..." "Tell her she should go now." "I don't wanna." "is there something wrong with you?" "What did you tell her?" "She doesn't know anything." "This is not the way to do things." "This is not the way to do things!" "Whatever." "Have you noticed how gorgeous she is?" "You know what this reminds me of?" "When I filmed here "The Gangsters of Satan City"." "I was involved with twin sisters." "Singers." "They were called the Kessler Yeyés." "I was sleeping with both of them at the same time." "I drove them both crazy." "With them I spent all I earned in "The Fall of the Roman Empire"." "Kinkiness..." "Do you know what it is to see two sisters...?" "Come on, please." "You friend talks about really interesting things." "Excuse him." "Go on, please." "Singers." "Singers." "What's wrong?" "l'm thinking." "About what?" "That we're going to come out of this ahead." "That's right, the idea's to have fun." "Please have a seat, Miss Lola." "Thank you very much, Melquiades." ""Thank you very much, Melquiades."" "Don't you look pretty!" "He doesn't look rich and she doesn't look like a nurse." "What do I look like?" "A whore." "What did I ever do to you...?" "We should buy her a uniform." "You let him talk to me like that?" "Shut up!" "Well!" "She's right." "You dress horribly." "And what about old Rainier here?" "That's true." "Melquiades." "You're going to have a new look." "What's this "loop"?" "Allow me." "I know about clothes." "He looks great." "Yeah sure!" "Yes." "Wrap it up." "Of all the Mediterranean women, the ones from Cartagena are the best." "They're just what you want." "With a body..." "With a pair of boobs..." "How much is it in pesetas?" "About sixty thousand." "That's too expensive." "With their characteristic beauty, that's what you've got to do." "Of course!" "But they've always been like that." "No." "Don't you worry about me." "Melquiades." "You can go to the hotel now." "We're going to have a few gin and tonics." "Since you're going, can I give you the bag?" "Of course, darling." "Just go up the stairs and you're there." "See you later." "See you." "I have no choice but to leave." "Shit." "Suite number nine." "Sir." "Thank you." "I don't have any change." "Julio!" "The taxi driver stayed up for us!" "Augusto, gorgeous." "How sweet!" "Enough!" "Enough!" "We're going up." "Are you coming?" "What do you want me to buy you?" "Really?" "." "Yeah, what?" "Hmm, I want a..." "We have to talk." "l have to stick it to her." "You're so common." "l'm saying it out of love, sweetie." "Julito!" "What?" "It's 4 in the morning." "We have to leave in three hours." "We have 3 more hours, sweetie!" "We're millionaires, Augustín!" "Millionaires." "What?" "Already!" "Yes." "What time is it?" "7:30." "That guy's not coming." "If he's found someone to do it, he won't come." "And he'll be right, bloody prick." "Get a load of the gang:" "a drunk, a whore, a taxi driver and a madman." "What's got into you?" "I have something very important to tell you." "If problems arise, if you have to confront anyone, violently, I mean, you can count on me." "In '69 I was making a film at Cinecittà, and I was introduced to Bruce Lee." "The kung-fu guy?" "." "The very one." "We became friends and he showed me the death chop." "What shop?" "Of what death?" "Chop with "c"." "Chop!" "In the martial arts, the chop is a series of strikes." "So he showed me the death chop." "So a guy gets rough with me and..." "R.l.P." "Oh I'm really relieved." "OK, I'm just letting you know." "There he is." "Allow me." "Come on!" "Let's go!" "Come on, let's go!" "Good lord, what a mess!" "Thank you." "For travel expenses." "For travel expenses." "Now this is the kind of car l deserve." "Can we get in the car already?" "." "Believe me." "Get in!" "Shit!" "Who are they?" "." "The gang." "The gang?" "Have you read the instructions?" "Of course." "Remember." "The deadline is Sunday at midnight." "Excuse me, please." "Where do the goods go?" "ln the doors." "OK, what about the dough?" "When?" "In the instructions, which you were supposed to have read, it clearly says." "When you deliver the goods, they'll give you the money." "I'd forgotten." "If you screw up, my wife... and my daughters..." "Please." "It's important to go as a family." "You need a car like this." "Did you see how it works?" "This is something else and not the junk he's brought us until now." "No, man, no!" "Good lord!" "Good luck." "Good luck." "And the company at my side?" "Yes, of course." "Holy virgin!" "Thanks, thanks very much." "Julito, let's get going." "Does this thing have a radio?" "Stop touching everything, man!" "Are we ready?" "." "Who was that?" "A friend." "Come on, let's get moving." "Look!" "Shit!" "Fuck!" "Oh fuck, fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Something happened to him!" "Hold him there!" "Wait!" "I'll do it!" "Hold him!" "Hold his legs!" "Come on, get him out!" "Come on, hold him!" "Here!" "Here!" "Hey, hey!" "What's wrong?" "Shit!" "Shit!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "What's up?" "He's dead!" "Yes, yes!" "lt's burning!" "Shit!" "Quickly, to the other car!" "What's wrong?" "He's dead." "Dead?" "Yeah." "Dead, dead?" "Get in the car!" "Don't yell at me!" "I don't want anything to do with dead people!" "l'm out of here!" "Oh, holy shit!" "Fuck, come here!" "Get in the car now!" "l'm not going with jinxed people!" "Everyone's going to find out he's dead!" "Don't say I'm jinxed, you whore!" "You're mother is a whore!" "My mother?" "Shit!" "Wait." "He's dead, right?" "Yes, but wait a minute." "Come here!" "In the car!" "In the car!" "Get out of here!" "l was trying to revive him..." "Hold onto him!" "Come on!" "Wait!" "The briefcase!" "Hold him!" "Hold it!" "What a brute!" "What a brute!" "Hurry, come on!" "Let's go, come on!" "In the boot!" "Wait till I open it!" "Get the head in!" "The head!" "Put the head here." "Here, like that." "He doesn't fit!" "Yes he does, shit!" "There we go." "These boots are big." "Good lord." "The police." "Let's go!" "The police!" "Let's get going!" "Fuck!" "Let's go!" "So a suitcase... fell on the head of a neighbour of mine... from the top of a closet." "He got seriously injured." "He even went crazy and everything." "I wonder if it's going to end up happening to me, too." "Don't worry about that." "You're fit as a fiddle." "A drunk, a whore, a taxi driver, a madman and now a dead man." "Great!" "And what's wrong now?" "." "ls he jinxed or what?" "lt's a Rover!" "What did I tell you?" "The only safe cars around are Hispano Suizas." "We've run out of petrol!" "How can they leave us a car with an empty tank?" "This isn't serious!" "What should we do now?" "." "Don't worry!" "Here comes the Civil Guard to help us!" "Now let someone tell me that the fucking taxi driver isn'tjinxed!" "I'm gonna shove the steering wheel up yours." "Idiot." "Good day." "is there any problem?" "No." "Well, the car has left us stranded." "Are you carrying the emergency triangles?" "Of course." "Well, please put them out." "Very well." "The triangles?" "Yes, the triangles." "I wonder where the darned triangles are." "Where the hell would they be?" "What's up?" "The triangles." "l don't see them." "Me neither." "Where are they?" "." "In most cars the triangles are usually in the boot." "ln the boot." "ln the boot." "Are you going to open it?" "Yes, of course." "Well, go on!" "Come on!" "Let's go!" "Wow, I really wanted to stretch my legs a bit." "Hello, Mr. Officer." "Good day, miss." "Good day." "Martínez." "What a shame you no longer wear the tricorn hats." "They looked so good." "You guys were so cute." "Thank you very much, miss." "Well, get to it." "50 metres from the vehicle, and please call a tow truck." "Good day." "Good day." "Good day, miss." "Good day." "Viva the Civil Guard!" "Viva!" "Viva." "You owe me one, smart alecks, you guys are real smart." "A whore, but smart, right?" "Good afternoon." "I've always said, you survive in the city, but you really live in the country." "All right, come on." "Where are you going?" "What do you mean?" "You can't leave him like that!" "Push him." "You push him." "No you push him." "Fall, damn it!" "Where's Julito?" "ln the bar, like always." "Do whatever you want." "Take him the bag." "You take it." "l won't put up with you any more!" "What did I do now?" "." "What?" "Take him the bag." "And right to the hotel." "Who is it?" "It's me." "Come in, it's open." "Do you mind if I sleep here?" "Lola won't let me in." "She's in a bad mood." "And I don't feel like trouble or nooky." "Come on, come in." "What's this?" "The dead guy's suitcase." "Everything certainly went wrong for him." "Look." "This medicine for the stomach." "This for the heart." "He even had insomnia." "My father-in-law used to take them." "Take one and you're out like a light." "But the next morning you can't hold down your breakfast." "I don't think it's that dangerous." "The one who hired us is now dead." "If no one knows us, they can't come after us, right?" "Look, Julito." "30 years ago you were a loser and I was Mr. Nobody." "I'm still a Mr. Nobody and you're still a loser." "Toni married me to leave the rough life... and she ran away with my money and with a pimp." "Yeah..." "l know, a bitch." "So what?" "So people don't change, get that through your head." "Arsenio has always been a thief and he's not going to stop now." "He knows our every move... because the dead guy gave the job to him first." "And he's going to give us away." "Shit!" "Bingo!" "Look." "Because one thing is one weekend... and another thing is hauling dead meat with two losers." "Would you shut up already?" "." "Because no taxi driver is going to slap me!" "But..." "With the dead guy, the car burning, the police, anyone could go overboard." "Well, if that ass..." "Have you seen my father-in-law?" "." "No." "He's got away." "What?" "He likes sightseeing." "Well, I'm going to go look for him." "See how easy it is to get rich." "A daring one." "Me." "Excuse me." "Don't let it out of your sight." "Watch carefully." "Where is it?" "Here." "Very good." "Let's go, it's full of pickpockets." "Let's go, please." "Hold the bill." "Look carefully where the ball is." "is the ball here, here or here?" "Very good." "The gentleman effortlessly won ten bucks." "Let's do the bet again." "Look where the ball is." "You can do it!" "That's it!" "50 bucks!" "Keep your eye on the ball!" "Now is the ball here, here or here?" "You let yourself be misled too easily... because it's here." "Come on, let's go, Melquiades." "They're coming!" "The cops!" "I've been robbed!" "What are you doing?" "Buying you a collar." "A collar?" "What for?" "So that you don't get away from me anymore." "Thank you." "Do you have the car keys?" "Here." "I'm going to see the city." "What's wrong with him?" "How would I know?" "." "Shit!" "What's got into you?" "l can't stand so much pressure." "Don't worry. I have a plan." "Do you know how much that relieves me?" "The taxi driver has a plan." "OK, wait a minute." "Find me a place that hires out luxury cars." "What?" "Shit!" "A place that hires out luxury cars." "Can you do it, or maybe it's too hard for you?" "When this is all over, you'll get yours, you lousy taxi driver." "And what about the bill?" "Bring it." "OK, goodbye." "Come on, Melquiades, come on, eat." "Another bottle of champagne!" "Champagne, great!" "Champagne!" "You should have seen me in "The Colossus of Rhodes"." "The Colossus was the hulk of a guy who had a foot in each port." "I jumped from his balls." "No!" "No way!" "My first triple fracture." "Poor thing!" "And the shot didn't work out." "But I got paid twelve thousand bucks from back then." "What a life!" "Dough everywhere I looked, all the girls I wanted...!" "And what girls!" "You know who I became good friends with?" "Who?" "Broderick Crawford." "Broderick Crawford." "Of course." "And Yul Brynner, the bald guy." "He got tired of taking pictures of me." "And tons of actresses, right?" "All I ever wanted." "And five, five who were really famous." "Sure." "l mean really famous, eh?" "I won't name names because I'm a gentleman." "The team was full of faggots or guys with their wives." "But if the star was alone and wanted to get it on..." "Mambo!" "...she went to the specialists." "We did ourjob no matter how drunk we were." "And there wasn't one who was a faggot." "You show me a fag thatjumps into a box from ten metres." "Julio." "Let's go, it's late." "No way, man, the night is young!" "If you don't come to the hotel with me, I'm going alone." "We've got lots to do tomorrow, shit." "Girls, my compatriot Augusto..." "The only great guy I've seen outside the movies." "Really." "You're super-great Augustirritin!" "Leave me alone." "Come on." "l love you." "I mean it from the heart." "You're a true friend, like Broderick Crawford." "Get my friend Augusto a drink." "Let's go now, asshole!" "Me an asshole?" "And what about you, taxi driver, fucking up your back for a couple of lousy bucks?" "Don't look at me like that, man." "We're going now." "My friend, he's wishy-washy." "What can we do?" "Here, take this, prenda." "Arrivederci , cuties." "Auf Wiedersehen." "For the veterans' fund." "Thanks a lot, dear." "You've got to let loose more, man!" "Like old times." "Have I told you about "The Light at the Edge of the World"?" "They're here." "You had fun last night, didn't you?" "Your boyfriend was the star." "He wishes he were my boyfriend." "ls he still sleeping?" "Probably." "So wake him up." "You wake him up." "What the heck...!" "Damn it all!" "Just my luck!" "Come on!" "Come on, get up!" "l'm in really bad shape today." "A hangover, big deal." "Come on, get up, man!" "Hello." "What's up?" "l'm out." "What?" "I'm staying here." "Did you see what happened to that guy Chester?" "20 bullets, Augusto!" "And when are they going to kill us?" "Today?" "." "Tomorrow?" "." "A crazy guy hired us and we're even crazier." "Look, don't fuck with me and let's go already, it's late." "No, I did my lastjump." "l broke my last bone." "So you're splitting?" "What about you?" "What about me?" "Are you staying or going on with it?" "l advise you..." "Shut your mouth!" "What are you saying?" "All this money you're talking about... is it real?" "How much?" "A million euros, split evenly." "A million euros?" "Shit!" "Hey, you!" "See if you're capable of keeping two things straight." "First: this is not Melquiades." "It's Julito and he's spent the whole time asleep and drunk." "Second: you're a whore." "And you're a bastard!" "Can't you ever stay quiet?" "You're a whore we've hired to entertain us." "You don't know anything about this." "If you find yourself in hot water, get pissed off at me." "What do you mean?" "l don't know. insult me." "Say any old thing that comes to mind." "Be yourself." "Who do you think you are?" "Shithole!" "Get out of here, you hussy!" "l heard you!" "l don't give a shit, you hussy!" "Would you mind telling me what's up with your father-in-law?" "." "Nothing." "And he's not my father-in-law." "He's Julito." "Well he's out like a light and that's not normal." "Remember what I told you to do if they stop us?" "But, seriously?" "." "Yes, the taxi driver and the other guy, who's still drunk." "There's a girl, too." "I'm going to check out the car and I'll call you back." "So many gentlemen making me offers me... and I end up going with a bunch of losers." "Can you believe it?" "They hire a woman like me and what do they do?" "They get drunk." "Look, a gentleman at last!" "I don't know what they may have done, but I have nothing to do with it." "l swear." "Sit still and shut up." "If not, I'll tell my men to give you a beating." "Got it?" "You." "Who, me?" "Yes, don't hide over there." "Come with me." "Everything that was in the car." "There's nothing else?" "They're a bunch of yokels that tried to trick us." "But you should have seen how they looked." "Especially the taxi driver." "They used them to get us off the track of the real delivery." "Two poor devils." "One drunk and the other scared shitless." "Well, I'm off." "Can I have them back?" "lt's not what we're after." "Plus, they're fake." "Fake?" "I don't even know who you are... or who gave us this job." "I don't want problems with anyone." "We've promised... to deliver them in Perpignan whether they're fake or not." "That's not my problem." "Careful." "Let's see." "Sit down." "There we go." "Very good." "I'm coming now." "I can't believe it!" "They didn't kill us!" "Melquiades needs a doctor." "It worked!" "They left without shooting us!" "Doesn't anything make you nervous?" "Do you know who they were?" "They were the Mafia!" "If a taxi driver fooled them, they weren't the Mafia." "You're father-in-law's in real bad shape." "lt's the pills." "What pills?" "The dead guy's sleeping pills." "I put some in his coffee." "I knew he was going to vomit." "You're such as brute!" "That was the plan." "Melquiades was Julio and had to be like a drunk." "And vomiting, shit!" "Nobody looks at someone vomiting!" "lt doesn't matter if he dies." "What matters is your shitty plan!" "l'm a genius!" "You're worse than those guys who left!" "I'm going to go get the bags." "We'll have to walk there." "Come on, here comes one." "What are you doing?" "It looks like you're waving at him!" "That's not the way!" "How would you know?" "." "Show him your leg or something!" "You show him!" "Show him my leg!" "Give me a break!" "Come on, let's see." "That's it, very good." "Fuck you!" "What are you laughing at?" "Shit!" "Come on." "Let's go, Melquiades." "Shit!" "Come on." "Let's see." "Come on." "Shit!" "Farewell." "Goodbye." "This little trip has done wonders for me." "We've gotta do it again sometime." "Yeah." "That swine kept trying to paw me." "Enough." "Let's get on with the plan." "Melquiades, this is for you." "But, Augusto..." "Let's see." "You're going to stay in this hotel." "Here's the key." "Go to the room, relax, and don't worry about anything." "The entire week is paid for in advance." "I'll come pick you up." "If I haven't come back in a week, take a train or bus back to Madrid." "And we were having so much fun." "Don't worry, we'll take another trip sometime." "Goodbye, Miss Lola." "lt's been a great pleasure." "Same to you." "Come on." "Wait." "Whoa!" "This was the famous plan?" "Get rid of the poor guy?" "." "We have an appointment in Gerona." "We'll go by train." "Why by train?" "Because I feel like it!" "Club El Cortijo." "What can I get you, handsome?" "A gin and tonic." "We've got rooms upstairs." "l'm sure you do." "Don't look at her, she's frigid in bed." "And she has a brute of a boyfriend." "Very cool but little dick." "He once tried with me and he was a wet noodle." "We didn't do anything because it made me laugh just seeing it." "He got so pissed off." "And two candies." "The donuts and sweets." "And that will be two marshmallows, two strawberries, two puddings..." "Will it be long?" "Hold your horses, gorgeous." "Two candies and the donut." "One euro ninety-eight, ma'am." "Thank you." "Goodbye, sweetie." "Hey, beautiful, don't touch the goods!" "How much is it?" "One euro, darling." "Alaris arriving from Madrid and Albacete, platform 3, area A." "Hey, your great idea to take a train..." "Julio will be waiting for us in Gerona." "Couldn't it be somewhere else?" "My back hurts and I need to sleep lying down, OK?" "Well, OK." "Fine." "I'm going to tear off his balls!" "No, no, come on." "What were they like?" "ln bed?" "Of course." "Very vicious." "No way!" "l'm going to tear off your balls!" "There's no need!" "Hey man, it's the little dick!" "Go lift some weights, shorty." "I'm going to tear off your balls, son of a bitch!" "That's it!" "Look, shorty." "Bruce Lee himself taught me the death chop." "So careful with me." "This guy and I are going to tear off your head!" "Don't get me involved." "Come on, let's go outside." "Whatever you want, shorty." "Manolo, he's at it!" "Little dick." "You've screwed up now!" "I'm going to kill you, bastard!" "Nobody calls me little dick!" "Honey, control your boyfriend!" "He's going to pay for it!" "All of you, shut up!" "I'm going to break your bones!" "Do you think Julio is in Gerona?" "Of course, following my plan." "Renting another identical car was brilliant." "Yeah, brilliant." "What are you doing here?" "The train bound for Gerona... will depart in three minutes." "Doesn't the train make you nervous?" "What?" "The rocking." "The train's rocking doesn't make you nervous?" "Or doesn't anything make you nervous anymore?" "I'm really tired, my back hurts." "The train's rocking makes me want to rock some more." "What the hell!" "They're getting hard." "What?" "My nipples." "They're tiny and dark." "I'm sure you'd like them, Agus." "Oh, Lord!" "Lola, why don't you go to sleep?" "And why don't you come down?" "Who, me?" "Of course." "Come on, come down." "Are you sure?" "Of course, silly." "OK, I'm coming." "You're sure, right?" "Come here." "OK." "I'm coming." "I don't know if..." "It's been a long time since..." "Let's see." "Actually it's a little narrow." "Get out!" "Now we're equal, you lousy taxi driver!" "It's a good height." "By the way, your information is wrong." "The car was clean." "Are you trying to trick us?" "Rubén can't trick me." "Nobody wanted to make this delivery." "What are you doing?" "Where are you taking me?" "No!" "Stay back!" "No!" "No!" "What are you doing?" "They're killing me!" "These two losers were the only thing I could find!" "Please be careful!" "I swear!" "Pull me up, god!" "They tricked you!" "Please, pull me up!" "No fucking...!" "He shit on himself!" "Shit!" "And I worked in all of Bronston's films." ""King of Kings", "El Cid"," ""The Fall of the Roman Empire", all of them." "If you don't stay still, I can't treat you." "You wouldn't believe the money I earned." "I lived in a hotel on Velázquez street, with a sportscar at the door." "And the girls, the girls... I won't name names because I'm a gentleman." "But I slept with five stars you wouldn't believe." "And Sandokan taught you the death chop." "Bruce Lee did." "If that midget hadn't caught me off guard..." "OK." "That's it, all done." "The little di..." "What are you doing?" "They didn't get you there, I saw." "l have to get out of here." "Relax." "I have to go to Gerona tomorrow morning." "You'd better go in an ambulance..." "Nothing?" "Hey it's closed for business today." "It looks like it's moving." "Leave it alone!" "I'm getting dizzy." "Sure you're going to Gerona." "Julito's a little late, isn't he?" "Agustín." "Are you still angry?" "." "You pulled one over on me and I did the same to you." "Shit!" "Look." "He stops at a whorehouse and gets in a rumble." "Great!" "He played dirty!" "lt was a little-dicked midget." "Where's the car?" "What's wrong?" "There." "Someone had to drive." "Emma treated my wounds." "She's a great woman." "Another whore?" "Yeah." "Don't get mad, man." "Here." "No thanks." "Next time tell me how many whores there will be." "I was a mess and someone had to drive." "I was lying down in back and..." "And what a whore." "She couldn't be more common." "Hey, man, that's all there was." "You're going to like this." "Good." "Good women, good melons..." "How much?" "What's wrong?" "This is art." "Thanks a lot." "See you later." "l know what we're going to do." "Ah." "What?" "What?" "Are you going to buy something?" "No, we're just looking." "You're the typical guys who look a lot and buy nothing." "A butt." "Do you like it?" "Forget it." "50 per cheek." "Just 50." "Forget it!" "This is a style..." "You don't like it?" "Yeah." "What are those two up to?" "How would I know?" "." "How much is the van?" "Are you nuts?" "Shut up, geeze!" "The tall one's a fag, right?" "I don't think so." "Well he was in my bed and nothing happened." "Listen." "He talked about a bunch of money." "Yeah, talk is easy but... the only serious thing they've done is throw a dead guy down a well." "They threw a dead guy down a well?" "What artistry!" "Great, thanks a lot." "Why do you want a van?" "We need it." "Listen, babes, pay attention." "Change of plan." "Jesus, Mary and Joseph." "You can participate if you want." "Me?" "Her?" "Yeah, her." "I like brandy, but straight up without an almond..." "Come on, man." "Can't we walk?" "Here, finish it." "Come on." "Son of a bitch!" "Go ahead, sir." "I learned the death chop... when filming "Hercules and the Seven Gladiators"." "I was one of the gladiators." "I had one line." "I went toward the camera carrying a torch, a close-up to die for, and I said:" ""Let's go!"" "I said it so fucking well that they didn't dub over me." "Come on, here, drink up." "But I'm wasted." "Drink it!" "It's empty." "Now." "Here they come!" "Listen, let me talk." "Julito!" "Well?" "Everything's fine." "What happened to the girl?" "She didn't want anything else to do with us." "We rented the car this morning." "You don't need to tear it apart." "You guys are different every time." "What about the other guy?" "." "Who?" "My father-in-law?" "." "You've stopped us again for this?" "Your father-in-law?" "." "Let me explain." "OK, look." "When we entered into this business, we thought the bigger the gang, the less suspicious it would be." "That's why we brought my father-in-law." "He was supposed to act like a rich guy... who Vomits and I had to take to France... to commit him to a psychiatric clinic." "The whore was his nurse." "We thought we could shag her in our spare time." "But I didn't have the chance." "The gang?" "What's the deal with your father-in-law?" "." "He stayed in Valencia." "I started feeling bad about it." "He's a really good person... and he may be crazy but he's always been good to me." "I left him with a room paid in advance... and with some money just in case." "If you don't believe me you can check on it." "No, relax, don't shoot!" "Just the bill." "Here." "You can call him at the hotel!" "His name is Melquiades Navarro Villarín, and he's in room 207." "Go check it out." "He let it out in the hall." "What happened to him?" "He's been stuck in a whorehouse for several days." "Staging pranks..." "Pranks?" "Excuse me." "What the...?" "Nothing." "Did you take apart the car?" "Totally." "Should we shoot them?" "You can go." "We have to wait to hear from your father-in-law." "The father-in-law." "Good night." "Good night." "ls there any problem?" "No, not at all." "The van has premature ejaculation." "You may go." "Thank you very much." "He's not acting?" "Are you sure?" "No, drop it." "You father-in-law is where you said he was." "They didn't do anything to him?" "Yeah, talk to him." "It was hard for my men to break into the conversation." "He's long-winded." "Yeah." "What?" "Nothing..." "Go." "What?" "Go." "Julito, wake up." "Come on, we're going." "This house reeks." "Shut up, please." "Leave me alone, I can do it." "Leave me alone, I can do it." "Come on, Julito." "Goodbye." "Goodbye or see you later?" "You never know." "Follow the path, the highway is 200 metres from here." "Call a taxi." "Shit." "I'm tired." "What time is it?" "12." "12..." "The heart attack guy is left without a family and us without the money." "Your whores screwed us over." "Who knows where they are now." "I'm going to snooze forjust a second." "There they are!" "Stop!" "Two hours late!" "Where did you go?" "Don't yell at me!" "Please!" "There's a car following us!" "Shit!" "We've screwed it up!" "It's the Mafioso!" "Go quicker!" "Don't yell at me!" "Listen, shit!" "If you see me put my hand on my forehead like this, scream and I'll give him the chop." "Yeah, the Sandokan one!" "Shit, here he comes!" "What do we do?" "Tell him we were hitchhiking and you don't know us at all." "How can we say that?" "The Mafioso knows me!" "Shit!" "Remember, scream when I make the sign." "And I'll finish him off." "Shut up, idiot." "He's getting closer!" "He has a gun!" "Get over to the right!" "The right!" "The first right turn!" "Got it?" "To the right!" "Let's go!" "You too!" "Don't make me shoot!" "Come on!" "To the right!" "That way!" "Step away from the van and put your hands where l can see them." "But before you told us..." "Do what I'm saying now." "But you just let us go." "Be quiet." "You were too stupid, too uncouth." "I was intrigued by you..." "You're not the only ones with the right to hold a private operation." "You have nothing to fear from my bosses." "In my report I describe you as mere bait." "Now it's between you and me." "Although you may not come out ahead in the deal." "Miss, don't hide." "I recognised you right away." "I want the goods." "Don't make me get unpleasant." "OK, fine." "Give it to him and let's get it over with." "Come on." "Ladies." "We don't have it." "We threw it away." "What do you mean?" "What kind of story is this?" "lt's not a story." "There was a police control at the border." "They were stopping all the cars." "We freaked out." "We took a side lane and threw out the cargo." "I swear." "If when I count to five the goods have not appeared, I'll kill the taxi driver." "Shit!" "One." "Two." "Listen, friend, if the girls say..." "Shut up." "Three." "Step aside." "And four." "Shit!" "Was that that or wasn't that the death chop?" "What a brilliant idea to throw him into the sea..." "Would you shut your mouth?" "How would the dead guy be in bed?" "He's got good legs." "Good legs, good cock, without fail." "Let him go!" "What's wrong?" "I just fucked it up." "Careful." "Careful." "Can you stand up straight?" "Slowly." "We're going to be spotted." "Come on!" "By his arms." "Shit!" "Lift him up." "The legs!" "l'm coming." "The legs!" "Shut up, geeze!" "Come on, let's go." "Are you all right?" "Shit!" "Can you manage?" "Did you turn over the goods?" "Just before the deadline." "How did you know they'd... come after us again?" "It could happen once, but not twice." "Plus, the taxi driver would never be capable of fooling the Mafia." "Get out." "Augus, look!" "Look." "Have you seen?" "We're rich!" "Rich?" "Shit, speed up!" "Look!" "Look!" "Speed up, damn it!" "Look!" "It won't go any faster!" "I told you the bullet holes would draw attention." "Sexy show!" "Qu'est-ce que c'est?" "Mon Dieu!" "Turn right!" "Act normal, get out of the car!" "Stupid, and a whore!" "What a great deal it was marrying you!" "Son of a bitch!" "Oh no!" "Documentation, s'il vous plait." "No, excusez-moi ." "You know, la femme est out of her tête ." "I don't get why they left the Spanish join the Common Market." "Yes, the documentation." "It's inside." "What's wrong?" "l screwed up my back!" "l broke an arm." "Halte!" "Yeah, yeah!" "Come on!" "lt won't start, damn it!" "Halte là!" "OK, OK!" "Holy shit!" "You should be much more patient with your daughter-in-law." "This feud between you... only makes your son suffer more." "And a good mother cannot want her son to suffer." "Melquiades!" "Wonderful!" "My son-in-law's coming to get me." "Do you want me to introduce you?" "At your service, miss." "Good afternoon." "Augusto!" "Miss Lola!" "l'll be darned." "I'm so happy to see you again." "I thought I'd lost you forever." "Never, Melquiades." "You're fantastic." "I'd like to introduce you to Emma." "Emma, Melquiades." "Melquiades, Emma." "Madam, you're charming." "Likewise, sir."