"This is Chris in the Morning." "The weather's typical for this time of year." "Some of you may have heard that nice little cypress tree out at Kipnuk Lake... fell over last Friday night and flattened my trailer like the proverbial pancake, causing me to join the growing ranks of the nation's homeless." "That's the bad news." "The good news is I no longer have to carpool to work." "Courtesy of Maurice Minnifield, I'm" " Well, for only a small deduction from my salary" "I'm living here at the station until spring thaw when I can repair my beautiful home." "Thank you, Maurice." "In other important social notes," "Cicely's own Dr. Fleischman plans a two-week vacation... to see his fiancée Elaine in the Big Apple." "Hello to Elaine from all of us, Doc." "Alaska paid for Joel's education, now he pays us back... with the finest in the cutting-edge of medical care." "A little traveling music then for the doc." "It's hard to believe he's been with us only a scant eight months." "Tempus fugit, eh, Joel?" "Doesn't fugit nearly fast enough." "You think banging on a pipe with a wrench is going to make it go faster?" "It's just what I dreamed of when I was at Columbia, that I'd be practicing medicine in a room where I can't feel my fingers." " It's not that cold." " It's 40 degrees inside, if you don't count the windchill factor blowing through these cracks." "If you'd take off your snowsuit, you'd get acclimated." "My blood would thicken?" "That's very scientific." "Like with a car?" "Colder climate, more viscous motor oil?" "Well, I have nice, thin New York blood." "You probably don't have blood at all." "Get off my case, Fleischman." "just give me my pills." "No problem." "So I guess Rick got back okay through the ice fog." "There are other ways besides sex to get a bladder infection, Fleischman." " Yeah, but that's the funnest." " What?" "This is your hobby?" "Thinking about my sex life?" "Hey, you brought it up, O'Connell." "I was only referring to the fact that I ran into your boyfriend at the barbershop." "You know what your problem is?" "That my bladder couldn't make the trip to see a doctor in Anchorage." "You are defensive." "You are so heavily defended, you create a hostile reality." "Two every four hours." "Go pee in this cup." "I guess Rick made it back okay." "You got your Publisher's Clearinghouse." "Okay, but if you win, I get half." "Okay?" "I'm preapproved for a gold card." "I'll run right over to Saks." "Alumni fund." "Toss." "Spy magazine, all right." "It's three months old." "Delivery by dogsled." "Elaine." "Hello." "There's no heat in here." "This could take a while." " Well, just get acclimated." " Acclimated?" "This seat's like an ice cube." "Dear Joey, hi." "Listen, I'm really sorry, and in a perfect world, I could tell you this in person." "And I know the timing is especially terrible with your plans and all." "No." "Not the trip to New York." "Anything but the trip to New York." "But I did all this stuff." "I got you some great seats at Les Miz, sixth row, center." "Yes!" "And Dr. Bloom can fix your crown on the 18th, 2:00." "I'm sure by now your mother has cornered the market on pot roast in Queens." "Do you think she actually tries to cook it to the consistency of shoelaces or what?" "I mean, I guess it's good, in a way, to have food that you can floss with." "Ah, this is so hard." "I hate this." "Anyway, Joey, I don't know any other way to say what I have to say, so I guess I'll just say it." "I met somebody else." "Danny Goldman." "No, it isn't Danny Goldman." "I know you think I've had a crush on him since the ninth grade, although I don't know why you think I could stand somebody who calls me "Lainester. '"" "He's a little older than I am." "Actually, he's quite a bit older than I am." "I don't know." "Maybe it's a father thing." "You'd like him, Joey." "He's very nice." "Very gentle." "Very gentile." "His name's Dwight." "He's a federal judge in Louisville." "Well, he was." "He's retired now and he's devoting himself full-time to his watercolors." "I've taken a leave of absence from law school and moved to Kentucky to be with him." "I know that when you get used to this, you're gonna do just fine." "No!" "Anyway, don't get frostbite." "Sorry." "Elaine." "Hey." "Fleischman." "What, it's the wrong color?" "I have to leave now." "Leave?" "What?" "Where are you going?" "You have my cup." "What is that?" "Hey you guys, look." "A Zarbitron C-10." "We have something like that at the tribal hall." " What's this all about?" " Got a satellite dish for Shelly." " It's bigger than your dish, Maurice." " The hell it is." "Sure it is." "Look at it." "Anyway, everybody knows that size has nothing to do with performance." "It's the quality of the equipment that counts, little lady." "Where'd you find it?" "I got it off a construction crew over in Chilcoot." "They finished up work on that blacktop from Kandu to Blindman's Lake." " You mean the road from nowhere to nowhere?" " That's the one." "Hey, Shel." "You can come on out now, hon." "Oh, what is it?" "Come on, Holling." "What is it?" "Can I look now?" "Now can I look?" "You can look." "It's a satellite dish." "That's right." " For me?" " Two hundred channels." "I know how you've always had your heart set on seeing the whole wide world." "Well, now you can see it right from your home with me by your side." "Wow." "This is beyond totally amazing." "Don't bother to knock, Ed." "just come right in." "Hello, Dr. Fleischman." "Ed, please." "I'm busy." "You're cleaning your stove." "So?" " You don't cook." " This stove is a health hazard." "It's covered with bacteria and old food." "I'm tired of mold having run of the place." " So, are you all right?" " Yeah, I'm all right." "Are you all right?" "Yeah." "I was just wondering if you were, you know, well, all right." " Why shouldn't I be?" " I heard about Elaine." "That she fell in love with an old guy." "You heard about Elaine?" "How did you hear about Elaine?" " Marilyn told me." " Marilyn told you?" "How does Marilyn know?" "She read the letter." "You left it in your office." " Marilyn read the letter?" "She read my private letter?" " Uh-huh." "That's a federally protected, private, personal letter." "Has anyone in this place ever heard of privacy?" "You can maybe go and get her back, you know." "Like Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate." ""Elaine!" "Elaine!" He's banging on the glass, and she's down there in her wedding dress." "And he jams the cross into the door so that no one can come up after them." "Hey, if there is a cross in this particular scenario, I'm carrying it." "Marilyn said when you left the office you wore the expressions of the old ones... who walk out onto the ice and never come back." "Look, Ed." "I'm not gonna lie to you." "I was rocked." "I was." "It was a blow." "But, I sat myself down." "I said, "Joel, get a grip on yourself." ""You're not looking at this correctly." ""I mean, do you know what you'd go for on the open market in New York?" ""You are" " You are single." "You are heterosexual." ""You are a doctor." "You are Jewish." "I mean, Alaska is wide open for you. " And I was right." "Believe me, I will be out there." "I'll have to fight the women off." "What women?" "just look at that." "Here we are in Cicely, Alaska, clean across the great Pacific Ocean, watching an Italian documentary on Chinese food-shoppers in action." "I had a cat like that when I was a kid." "Little Edgar." "I don't believe those are pets, Ed." "No?" "I believe they're tomorrow night's dinner." "Oh." "Hey, Ed, we eat a lot of things other cultures consider disgusting." "Moose." "Caribou." "Bear." "Seal." "I wonder how they kick up those fur balls." "Holling." "Mm?" "Uno mas, por favor." "Sí, sí, sí." "It was a long-ago winter's day when me and my best friend..." "Greg "The Joy King "George... ripped off Sam Blade Records in downtown Wheeling, West Virginia." "Back at the Joy King's, safe and dry, we listened all day to that stolen stash." "We dedicate this music to you, Joy King, just starting your latest five to 10 in Lompoc." "'Cause the best way out of winter is through it." "Like Carl Jung says, "Embrace your grief, for there your soul will grow. "" "You're tuned in to K-Bear in Cicely, Alaska." "This is Chris in the Morning, and today we have the blues." "Watch it." "?" "Well, it's over?" "?" "All over?" "Chris." "Dr. Joel." "How are you doing?" "Not bad." "Not bad." "How 'bout you?" "I'm good." "Thank you very much." "So, how're the girls treating you?" "Girls?" "Yeah, you know, girls?" "Two legs, skirts?" "Oh, right, right." "I heard about you and Elaine." "Yeah?" "Well?" "Twelve years, man." "You think you know somebody, then- - they blow you off in a barely legible letter." "Don't take that personally." "I just got kicked in the gut by the woman who promised to have my children." "You're telling me not to take it personally?" "Hey, brother, rejection is one way to look at it." "But with the yin-yang, man-woman thing, it's either balanced or it isn't." "All right, if it isn't, it just means it isn't." "It's just the eternal ecology of the love thing." "Right." "Well, you wouldn't happen to have a spare seventh sister hanging around, would ya?" "Seventh sister?" "Back east, it's a sort of upper-echelon woman's school, you know, like Radcliffe, Wellesley." "Oh, right, right." "I'm seeing someone right now who's a grad student at Swarthmore." "Swarthmore?" "The Swarthmore in Swarthmore, Pennsylvania?" "Mm-hmm." "What's-What's a girl from Swarthmore doing in Alaska in the dead of winter?" "Um, field study on the rituals of the Tsimshian Indians out at the Metlakatla." "She's got a friend coming in tonight goes to one of them colored schools." "Colored schools?" "Brown." "Brown?" "She goes to Brown University?" "Mm-hmm." "Wow." "That's Ivy League." "Hey." "Holling's tonight, 7:00." "Perhaps you'd like to join us?" "I'll be there." "Morning, Shelly." "Morning, Shelly." "Keep it down, will you?" "She was up in front of that TV all night long." "john Carson, Adam 12." "I woke up this morning, I could hear them playing the Japanese national anthem." "Coffee." "Coffee." "Coffee." "I have a headache." "It starts here and comes to here." "It's not a baby one." "It's a full-grown, adult-size bangeroo." "Oh-Oh!" "What time is it?" "Ten of nine." "All right!" "I can still catch Angélica, mi vida." "Only the hottest soap opera in Puerto Rico, Holling." "Huh." "It looks like she slept in her clothes." "She never came to bed at all last night." "Hey, Maurice." "I pay that boy good money." "Listen to the depressing junk he plays on that radio." "Morning, Maurice." "It's supposed to be depressing." "It's the blues." " Is, uh, Chris all bent out of shape about the housing situation?" "No." "He likes living at the station." "On Wednesday nights, I get a direct feed from CBS from Bejing." "Chris usually likes to come up, and we discuss the big picture." "I try to clear the decks." "Last night I prepared a batch of those spicy chicken wings that he likes." "He didn't show up, and he didn't call." "Well, Chris was here most of the night." " Here?" " Oh, yeah." "A bunch of us got together to watch the TV." "Ed, there's a flick on the tube tonight you might be interested in." "It's called An Unmarried Woman." "Come by the house." " I'll throw a couple ofT-bones on the fire." " Well, thanks, Maurice." "But you know, a bunch of us are gonna get together here and watch the rugby game." "Rugby." "You follow rugby, do ya?" "Oh, no." "But it's kind of fun to watch anything when there's a bunch of people around." "Uh-huh." "You're gonna rub the end of that pool stick right off." "Girls, no such thing as too much chalk." "The four ball in the corner pocket." "I always wanted to say that." "I thought you said you majored in pool." "Only since I've been in Cicely." "It's what passes for high culture around here." "It'd make a good topic for your thesis." ""Pool as a ritual in primeval society. "" "Stand over there, please." "You're making me look very short in front of these women." "Thank you." "Funny guy." "Yes!" "It went in." "Did you see that?" "That was the three ball." "So?" "You said four." "Give him a break." "I meant three." "I meant three." "No, that was a beautiful shot, and I want you to take that." "Yeah, well, thank you very much, but there's no way to get at it now." "Okay, I'll get at it." "You get at those brew dogs." "I shall return." "Sorry about your girlfriend." "No booze with those antibiotics, O'Connell." "It's ginger ale." "I'm feeling much better, thank you." " Listen, I'm sorry about you and Elaine." " What's that supposed to mean?" "Don't be so defensive." "I'm expressing sympathy." "I'm being empathetic, Fleischman." " All right, what are you trying to say, O'Connell?" " Nothing." "No, I know that look." "It's pity, isn't it?" "Look at you, Fleischman." "You're so insecure you can't even let the body get cold before you find a warm one." "Look, O'Connell, unlike most of your former boyfriends, Elaine is not dead." "She's made a terrible mistake that she will regret for the rest ofher life." " Hey, Joel." "Hey, Rick." " Sorry 'bout you and what's-her-name. - If Elaine is happy in the arms of a man... who is comfortable sending innocent sociopathic children to the Big House, who am I to judge?" " After you." " You're working hard tonight." "Where's Shelly?" "She's resting." "She's got a whopping headache." "Hi, everybody." " Uh, shouldn't you be lying down, Shel?" " Uh-uh." "I'm ready to roll." "Good." "There's 16 mooseburgers Dave has kicked up." "I could use a little help." "I can't right now, Holling." "You can't?" " It's 7:30." " 7:30." "What happens at 7:30, Holling?" "Well, the beer in pump number three sometimes needs refilling about then." "The Wheel's on." "The wheels on what?" "Wheel of Fortune." "Pat and Vanna?" "Remember, she had on a dress just like this... only in red." "Well, I never could see much point to that show, Shel." "Okay." "If you'd rather carry around mooseburgers... than watch Vanna turn the letters, go ahead." "But Merv Griffin says no one- no one- has ever turned the letters the way she turns the letters." "And he owns hotels in Atlantic City." "$500." ""S." Yes." "Two S's." "There you go." "Thanks." "That's what I liked about Coming of Age in Samoa." "Mead didn't stand outside the culture and observe." "She put on a grass skirt and thrust her hips just like the rest of them." "This one prof at Columbia, it was his personal mission to find inconsistencies in her work." "I mean, what, you're gonna discount an entire life's work because of a few factual errors?" "Listen, you wanna dance?" "I dance much better than I play pool." "I better, right?" "No offense intended, Joel - if we were back in the city, I'd be glad to go out with you." "I'm sensing a "but" here somewhere." "I didn't come 5,000 miles... to get all sweaty with a guy who could be in my chem class." "It is a she, she's eating again." "Are you brushing" "She's clean." "Oh, good." "All right." "Uh, we will see you next time for more Wheel of Fortune." "Bye." "Dumped again, Fleischman?" "Biggest mistake she ever made." "We're not going to show another movie until tomorrow, Dr. Fleischman." "Sorry about your girlfriend." "Finally caught up with you, didn't it, Fleischman?" "Tori?" "Tori Gould?" "You were able to pull it off for a long time, weren't you, Fleischman?" "You never thought about putting yourself in another person's shoes." "We had a name for you in junior high school, did you know that?" ""The Juggler. '" Mindy Ginn, Audrey Goodwin and me." "Well, I never made any specific commitments, Tori." "Always looking out for yourself, eh, Fleischman?" "Playing the angles." "Looking out for number one." "I'll bet you thought I was going to end up in a tract house in Bensonhurst, didn't you?" "Come on." "You can tell me the truth." "Well, yeah." "I live in Sweden, Joel." "Scandinavia." "And that's not Avenue "J."" "I never thought I wanted to live in such a big house, but I'm enjoying it." "Terraces, a view of the archipelago." "Our cook makes the most exquisite roast rensadel." "I mean, I married a terrific guy." "Owns major stock in Textron, stands about 6 foot 4... and looks like one of those bearded Nordic gods." "The name's Lars." "Often, my thoughts have turned to you, Juggler, and I worry about you." "Fast approaching 30, alone, living in a cabin... in the middle of a silent, windswept, frozen tundra." "Well, can't keep Sonya waiting, my masseuse." "Adjo, Joel." "Wait a minute." "Hey, a lot of guys had a lot of girlfriends, Tori." "Who are you?" " Who do I look like?" " Uh, me." "I thought we said we weren't going to do this anymore." "Do what?" "This dependence on external affirmation, fear of rejection, panic thing." "It's a real turnoff." "Intellectually, we're on our game." "But emotionally, Joel, we have talked and we have talked and we have talked about this problem." " But this is the third time you've fallen apart." " Three?" "Really?" "Seventeen years old, when we didn't get into Harvard." "We didn't handle that one very well, did we?" "No, we didn't." "Frankly, we were a mess." "We walked 63 blocks in the rain like a zombie." "From Zabar's to West 12th Street." "We were nearly hit by three cabs." "Spilt grape juice down the front of our shirt on Times Square." "How many more times are we going to subject ourselves to this abject humiliation?" " I never said" " Words, Fleischman." "It's just words, and frankly, I'm sick of it." ""We just need a couple of days to get ourselves together, because, after all, we're eligible and appealing and desirable. "" "We're this close to losing it." "We were hanging by our fingernails after the Harvard trauma." "Now we're sitting in a movie theater talking to ourselves." "Is there no growth?" "Is there no catharsis?" "Suck it up." "Be a mensch." "Do what people do." " I'm not equipped." " What's it gonna be, Joel?" "We're pushing 30." "Thirty." "We've tried therapy, and you know what the scariest part is?" "We're getting weaker." "We keep going like this, we're headed straight for a full-tilt, no-holds-barred, complete mental disintegration nervous breakdown by the time we hit 40." "Forty." "A genuine diamond ring in a solitaire is more expensive" " Uh-huh." "Mm-hmm." "On the Go Anywhere Tea Caddy, do I have to get the tea service, or does the cart come separate?" "Shel." "Okay, give me one of those." "Oh." "Look at that heart-shaped, three-carat cubic zirconia." "That will be perfect with my genuine, diamond-studded, tiara headband." "Shelly?" "Hang on a sec." "I just got you the coolest wallet." "Cloth and leather with simulated crocodile embossing in a really nice cognac." " Aren't you coming up to bed?" " In a second, hon." "Maybe I better put us in for a couple of those matching key cases too." "You still there?" "Now, on the koala bear, does that include batteries?" "Okay." "Send that along too, and put a Federal Express on it." "Oh, oh." "What time do you have?" "2:28?" "Can you hang on a sec?" "The baby's crying." "?" "..." "Girls are sometime ridiculous but face it, you can't live with or without us?" "?" "We're sweet, sexy and kind at most times?" "?" "But rub us the wrong way and fate is what you'll find?" "?" "But only if you treat us wrong and then again some girls do nothing at all?" "?" "We'll take your car, your money and even your jewels?" "?" "And if your clothes fit well, we'll take them too?" "?" "Hey, buy for ourselves it's what we believe?" "Whoo!" "?" "It's just a girl thing?" "?" "Girl thing?" "?" "Just a girl thing?" "?" "Check it out I was home all alone?" "Oh." "My genuine, diamond-studded, tiara headband." "Shelly." "Hi, babe." "What's all this stuff?" "This?" "Just some stuff that came in." "It looks like a hot dog in a bun, but it's not." "Guess what it is." "It's a telephone." "I got it for you." "Look at this." "It's a Chia Pet." "You water it, and it grows grass." "Pretty soon you get a plant in the shape of a camel." "But I don't see the hump on here." "Oh, no." "This must be the Brahma bull." "How much does all this cost?" "Four thousand, give or take." "Shelly, that's the money we put aside for our honeymoon." "Yeah, but we never did get married, did we?" "So what's the point?" "It's just sitting there waiting for oil prices to go up." "The point is, all you ever do anymore is watch that damn TV." "Do you know what's coming in here on that TV, Holling?" "The whole world, that's what." "Fawlty Towers and Rap Patrol." "The lost episode of Lucy." "Classics." "There's programs on there from Mozambique and Venezuela and all this Pakistani stuff." "And we can see it, you and me, Holling." "Together." "You won't watch a single thing with me." "That's not true." "Okay." "Shogun." "But you weren't really watching." "Yes, I was." "No, you weren't." "I was." "When Dr. Kildare kissed the Japanese princess... and the samurai guy saw the whole thing from behind the tree, did he kill him?" "Well, did he or not?" "I forget." "Oh, yeah." "Right." "You don't know, and you know why?" "Because you fell asleep, that's why." "That program was six hours long, Shelly." "I can forgive and forget a lot of things, Holling Vincoeur." "But stinginess and not caring a thing about the world we live in is not one of them." "It's "Love is Pain" day on K-Bear." "Music to soothe the shattered heart." "Dedicated to you, Dr. Joel." "Are you sleeping, Dr. Fleischman?" "No." " You're in bed." "Are you sick?" " I didn't feel like getting up." "Plan "A" didn't work, huh?" "Mm-mm." "On to Plan "B."" "She had this way of looking at her watch." "She didn't look down at her watch the way most people do." "She lifted up her little arm and held her wrist in front of her face." "Elaine?" "There was this one time we went to this Shakespeare in the park thing." "You're in the park with all these people watching Othello." "It's nice." "Then we went to this outdoor café we used to go to." "I had this iced cappuccino with the steamed milk." "Long spoons." "She's wearing pearls and this black dress that she used to wear." "Really looked good on her." "It had these thin little straps." "What'd she call them?" "Spaghetti straps." " So what happened then?" " What?" "What happened then?" "We moved in together." "That was a great afternoon." "You know what the worst thing is, Ed?" "What?" " There's no closure." " Ah." "Uh, what's closure?" "Closure?" "A sense of closure?" "It's beginning, middle, end." "Closure." "End." "Okay." "Look, you're watching a movie." "I am?" "Say you're watching a movie." "Which one?" "Any one." "It doesn't matter." "Okay." "Wages of Fear." "Yves Montand." "Right." "The oil tanks are burning and he brings them the nitro." "Wham." "They cut your movie off in the last 15 minutes." " That would be terrible." " Of course it would be." "That's closure." " In a manner of speaking." " The last 15 minutes of your movie with Elaine." "Yes." "Does she ever turn that thing off?" "Not yet." "I said hello earlier;" "she nearly bit my head off." "She doesn't like you interrupting her toons." "I'll tell you the truth, Maggie." "I'm worried about Shelly." "I don't think the TV's a good influence." "Have you tried talking to her about it?" "She's not easy to talk to lately." "But I will." "I will talk to her." "Well." "Well, what?" "He was just lying there." "Who?" "Dr. Fleischman." "Sick at heart." "He said the worst thing about it was he didn't have any closure." " Any what?" " Closure." " Ed, what are you talking about?" " Closure." "He didn't get to have his last 15 minutes of his movie with Elaine." "Oh." "We have to help Dr. Fleischman get closure." " We do?" " Why?" "We owe him that much." "I mean, Elaine's down there, he's up here." "If we had not shanghaied him up here I bet you she would not have dumped him for that old judge." "That's ridiculous." "He's hurting, Maggie." "So, no ticket, huh?" "That's all I wanna know." "But, I-I had a ticket when I got on the train." "You can fool some of the people, and it might be fine for those guys, but I'm on to you, Fleischman." "What is this?" "What do you think you're doing, Fleischman?" "Nothing." "I was just lying here." "You've held everybody hostage with this Camille number long enough." "I know." "I'm sorry." "Ed's worried about you and now he's trying to get everybody else worried about you." "You're right." "I'm sorry." "So your girlfriend dumped you." "Fine." "Sometimes you gotta suck it up, pull yourself together." "Be a man!" "That's what I've been telling myself for the past 15 years." "Yeah, well, okay." "Good." "I did a sensitivity check on your urine culture to make sure we were on the right course of antibiotics." "It's there if you want to take a look." "Sure." "They look like little spots of mold." "Well, they are mold really." "Your mold." "You see how one of'em is smaller than the others?" "I used your antibiotic on that one." "It stopped the growth." "That means it's working." "How are your symptoms?" " Much better." " Good." "I'm glad." "Okay." "Could you please just get the light, please?" "What?" "Sure." "Thank you." "Shelly." "Shelly, I wonder if I might have a word with you." "I'm in the middle of Magnum." "That's what I wanna speak with you about." "About what, Holling?" "Shelly, I think you've got a problem with the TV." "You're the one with the problem." "You're still P.O.'d... because I wanted to watch that Punjab program instead of MacGyver." "Which would you rather watch, sword swallowers and snake charmers from New Delhi or MacGyver?" "Shelly, you watch the TV all the time." "You don't eat." "You don't sleep." "I don't think you can help yourself." "No, I don't." "Yes, I do." "Yes, I can." "Well, go on." "Don't watch." "I'll wager you can't keep from watching that TV for five minutes." "Of course I can." "Then do it." "See?" "No biggie." "Star Trek:" "Next Generation, 7:00." "7:30, La Nouveau Monde." "8:00, National Audubon Society:" "Sea Turtles and Ancient Nomads." "8:30, So Ist Das Leben." "9:00, El Corazon y La Pistoleta Negra." "10:00, Fujiko Fujima Kagekiyono." "10:30, La Strada dell'amore" "Ed, can't you see the sign on the door says "Closed'"?" "Sorry to bother you, Dr. Fleischman, but I need you to come with me to Holling's bar." "Why?" "Well, it's for closure." " What?" " I think it would be better if you would just come." "Well, now's not a good time." "I've got three years worth of the New England Journal of Medicine... just waiting here for me to catch up with them." "Okay." "I can wait." "Suit yourself." "Chris." "Hey, Shel." "Can I come in?" "Sure." "Come on in." "I'm in trouble, Chris." "I've been walking and thinking and walking and..." "I need to see a man of the cloth." "Well, Shel, if this is some heavy, theological deal, you know, my cloth's not thick enough." "I" " I answered an ad in the back of Rolling Stone." "Well, you presided at our almost-wedding." " Yeah, well" " You're the closest thing to God Cicely's got." "Shel- I was raised a Catholic, and when a Catholic's in trouble, they go to a priest and make a confession." "I need you to hear my confession." "Listen" "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." "It has been... nine years since I made my last confession." "You're supposed to ask me how I've sinned." "Okay." "How've-How've you sinned, Shelly?" "You're not supposed to say my name." "Oh, I'm sorry." "How have you sinned, ma'am?" "I've been watching TV too much, Father, and I can't stop." "When I'm with Holling, I'm thinking about television." "When I'm working, I'm thinking about television." "When I'm with my friends, I wish I was watching television." "I don't even like it so much." "It's just that I get this yucky feeling inside, and the only thing that'll make it go away is television." "It doesn't matter what program it is." "Hogan's Heroes, Oprah." "I'll watch anything." "You know what I mean, Father?" "Uh, no." "With TV I can take it or leave it... except for maybe the zones." "Holling and me, we used to have sex all the time." "I don't think that's a sin, Father, even though we're only almost-married." "But now we don't do it at all anymore." "And..." "I spent our honeymoon money... that we didn't have because we didn't really get married." "But, Holling's right." "It's not the point." "I don't talk to my friends anymore." "And..." "I lied." "I told someone, a stranger on the phone, that the baby was crying." "It sounds to me like you're hooked, Shelly." "I mean, not Shelly." "Hooked?" "You mean, like an addict?" "Ajunkie?" "Is there anyone in your background, I mean, think." "Is there anybody in your family that had a problem with television?" "No." "I don't think so." "Except, now that I think about it, my father- you interrupted him during The Feud, and he'd whip your butt." "It could be hereditary." "It's a strong possibility... it's not even your fault at all." " Really?" " That's right." "just recognizing it is the first step." "God, I feel so much better." "You do?" "Good." "Is-Is that it?" "Well, no." "You have to give me some Hail Marys or something so I can absolve myself." "I" " I don't know any Hail Marys." "Um, I know a Shoshu Buddhist chant." "That's cool." "Picture this, Dr. Fleischman." "There you are, sitting in your café on Park Avenue and Times Square." "Subway rumbling beneath your feet." "Mist drifting in on the Verrazano Street Bridge." "Ayellow checkered cab goes past." "Whoosh!" "He splashes the guy selling pretzels on the corner." "He flips him the bird." "Curses his unborn children... as the sun slowly sinks behind the Statue of Liberty." "Ed, where're you going?" "Ed, this is very weird." "Okay, Holling, you're up." "Okay, Ed." "Holling." "Whoa.!" "Watch it." "Careful." "What is going on here?" "I didn't have the wherewithal for steamed milk, so that's whipped cream on top there." " That's iced coffee." " Enjoy." "Is that it, Ed?" "That's it, Holling." "Good work." "Okay, Maggie, now you." "You owe me, Fleischman." "What are you doing, O'Connell?" "Is it my imagination, or is it 20 below out here?" "You look familiar." "Well, I should look familiar, Fleischman." "You've, uh, only known me for eight months." "The-The dress." "You look like Elaine." "I am Elaine." "I mean, I'm supposed to be Elaine." "So, go ahead." "Go for it." "You're Elaine?" "Yeah, so, go ahead, Fleischman." "Get it off your chest." "Say whatever it is you need to say." "I'm supposed to say to you what I need to say to Elaine?" "Look, Fleischman, we've all gone to a lot of trouble here so you can have closure." "I don't like it, you don't get it." "Fine." "But just go ahead and do it, and hurry up because I'm freezing." "Wait." "Closure?" "Look, ask Ed." "We're supposed to be acting out the most wonderful day you had with Elaine." "So there must have been things you didn't get to say." "Here's your chance." "This is ridiculous." "Don't blow it." "I'm supposed to- Open up." "Oh, to you?" "Okay, I'm sorry." "Well, frankly" " What?" " No." "It's nothing." "It's just- Spit it out." "Well, I-I was never really sexually attracted to you." " What?" " I mean, to her, Elaine." "You weren't?" "How come?" "I mean, not that the sex- you know, our sex- wasn't good." "It was good." "It just wasn't" " What?" " Look, you don't wanna hear this." "Yes, I do." "I mean, for closure." "Sure." " Sex should be wild, shouldn't it?" " Wild?" "Unfettered and free." "I mean, we're animals, aren't we?" "I mean, finally, basically, we're all wolves in sheep's fur." "Well, I always wanted more." " More?" " Yeah." "I mean, not frequency." "I am not talking about frequency." "Although that would've been great too." "But, I-I want more intensity." "I wanted to be out there." "Outside myself." "Outside my skin." "I wanted sex to be like robbing life out of the jaws of death." "Wow." " Are you okay?" " Why?" "Well, it's 20 below out." "You're breaking a sweat." "Would you excuse me a minute?" "So, do we have closure?" "Well, not really, but I feel better." "Good." "So, what now?" "Can I buy you a beer?" "If we drink it inside." "?" "Blue moon?" "?" "You saw me standing alone?" "?" "Without a dream in my heart?" "Holling, there's somebody here that wants to see you." "Hi." " Holling." " Shelly." "Oh, Holling." "I'm sorry I spent our nonhoneymoon money, Holling." "I'm sorry I ruined our sex life." "That's okay, Shelly." "You were right." "I have a problem with the TV." "But I'm gonna beat it." "That's good news, Shelly." "You're gonna have to help me though." "Like with the MM's?" "You know how you hide them from me and dole them out to me a little at a time?" "You're gonna have to watch me like a hawk with the TV." "You can be mean, Shelly." "You handled Jesse the bear." "I'm gonna pull the plug, Holling." "Good girl." "I'm gonna do it." "I can't." "Shelly, darling." "I am right here." "Right beside you." "Okay." "Here goes." "Whoa."