"Anyone watching, thinking we know fuck all about knowing fuck all about owt, needs to watch their backs!" "So, you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk, sending prices sky-high." "Literally, literally taking the grass from its own roots." "Now, you've got your Con-Dem Nation." "Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up." "Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?" "!" "Is revolution a word or was it never?" "Anybody watching needs to know, we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth." "Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester, and they charge us for water!" "I wandered lonely as a clown Necking mushrooms rarely found" "This green and pleasant land In ancient times." "Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!" "It's not theirs any more!" "This is our England, now!" "Part-ay!" "'Yeah, it's all right, round here." "Apart from the smackheads." "'And the alkies." "And the dealers.'" "That's my bike!" "'Murderers, rapists, racists, mentalists, 'wife beaters, man eaters, 'fat-arsed spongers and toothless chain-smoking shit mongers." "'Apart from that, it's nice." "'But if home's what you make it, try as I might, 'it's not home." "'Not my home." "'Thank fuck!" "'" "That's for calling me a tramp on Facebook, you hairy slag!" "What the fuck?" "!" "You little bastard!" "Why is there a foreign bloke upstairs in the cupboard?" "Sorting the water heater." "What, Housing?" "Fucking joking, aren't you?" "We'll wait till Dick docks before they pull their finger out their arse." "What, you paid someone?" "Ha!" "Has he shite!" "He's doing it for free?" "I'll answer that, shall I?" "No, food." "He's homeless." "Well, don't blame me." "He'd have done it for a blow job!" "Selfish cow in there refused." "You want hot water, don't you?" "OK, done?" "Yeah?" "You fix?" "Very good." "Aidan's gone and got himself arrested." "One of you'll have to go to the police station." "I've got my wheelchair dance formation class!" "God!" "My God!" "Mimi Maguire!" "All right, Evie, love." "I didn't recognise you!" "You look fab!" "Ta, hon." "I've tried so many diets." "Protein, cabbage, baby food." "How do you get from the size of a bus to the size of a bus stop?" "The shake diet." "What's that?" "Every time you're offered food, shake your head, you fat twat!" "Now, do one!" "Cilla!" "Cilla!" "Cilla!" "Cilla!" "Cilla!" "Stop." "Man of the match again." "How old?" "14." "I'm 15 next year." "What is it you want?" "Just you." "I told you to disappear." "No!" "I see you again, I'll kill you." "I've just remembered, she's with her brother." "My head's up my arse." "I must be going through the change." "Tell the police it's a false alarm." "Billy?" "I know it's you." "Where are you?" "If you hurt her, I'll kill you, you bastard!" "If you think I'll be dragged through the courts cos of you, think again!" "Theft and criminal damage." "Police can't touch me." "I'm a minor." "Got the law on my side." "Ooh, fuck it!" "It'll be us that'll get stung with a hefty fine for his shenanigans." "I am not getting out of pocket to protect your arse." "You better buck your ideas up, or you can fuck off back to your own family!" "Lay off him!" "Mate, things are tough enough as it is, but don't shit on your own doorstep." "I'll be gone by the time it gets to court." "Mum's out tomorrow." "Aidan!" "Macho Health magazine says this is the best proven way for males to bond." "It'll help us open up, build a trust." "Friends that bruise together, stay together." "Get off, you little wanker!" "Fuck off!" "It's weird." "I'm trying to improve our situation." "Can't we just carry on getting pissed instead?" "You've been a closed book since I moved in." "I was hoping to get you to open up, talk about your feelings and shit, so we'd have a better... connection." "Like what?" "Your kids." "If you're so bothered about losing your visiting rights, then why aren't you fighting for them?" "Fuck you, then." "Sad." "I feel sad." "I miss my kids." "I won't ever see them again." "Sue won't let me." "Said I have to match her standards of a home before she'd let them visit." "Best I can do is this place." "I'm a bad daddy." "A failure." "You can't give up." "Dads... are important." "Look, kids need the father's love." "It's obvious you need theirs." "Let me help." "Aidan's left this in his room." ""Smell you laters"." "It means he's fucked off." "We both know where he's going." "It's out of our hands now." "18 months and this is how he shows his gratitude?" "Not even so much as a "Thank you, Auntie", or even a "Goodbye"." "He wants his mum." "You can't blame him." "I blame his mother." "The degree of violence that put her in prison worries me." "What if next time it's not a punter?" "What if it's Aidan?" "You're overreacting." "From what I know, the gypsy father left to marry one of his own kind before Aidan was out of nappies." "After that, his mother changed for the worst." "Drugs and prostitution." "Aidan was dragged up, passed from pillar to post." "Had to fend for himself since he could walk." "Right, if that's true, why would he want to go back to that?" "Doesn't know any better, I suppose." "'I'm ready for you now." "Meet me.'" "Aidan!" "Aidan!" "Aidan!" "She's already out." "Sorry, mate." "Where is she?" "Where's Mum?" "What?" "Tell me, you old bitch!" "You know." "Talk sense." "Evil cow!" "Shitebag." "Show some respect for the dead!" "People at the prison said she's been out for two months." "And I'm to blame because?" "What?" "You didn't know?" "Course not!" "What about Aidan?" "Until his mother turns up, if at all, we put up with him." "Whoa..." "Hang on." "Do we keep collecting his readies?" "It's like old times, Carl, innit?" "You all right?" "Mum will come for me." "Probably waiting to get back on her feet and settled." "Isn't she?" "Mate, Patty cares." "She was searching the streets for you till 3am." "She doesn't." "She wants to keep me as a slave." "It isn't her fault." "Ride it out." "Till you know what's happened, you're stuck here." "And you've got a court date coming up." "Dad won't want you going down." "We need the money you're bringing in." "What money?" "Your benefits." "You've got the advantage, so make the most of the situation, yeah?" "Let me explain." "I get it." "Me and you've got unresolved shit to sort but that doesn't give you the right to take my baby." "Our baby." "I'd never do anything to hurt her." "Hurt you." "I had to get your attention, get you somewhere where you'd listen." "And I badly wanted to see my daughter." "OK, whatever it is you want, Billy, I'll do anything, I promise." "Just let me hold my baby, please?" "And you'll listen?" "Please?" "Don't you ever, ever, ever take my baby away from me, d'you hear me?" "There was no need for this fucking palaver." "I'm a reasonable woman!" "What do you think you're doing?" "Frank, stop this!" "Yeah!" "Everyone, feck off!" "No." "Get lost for a couple of hours." "Piss off." "I'll get on to social services." "Find a foster family." "And it'll be bye-bye, benefits." "Up to you." "I will do it!" "Come." "I can understand you don't want the cripple cramping your style." "But come on." "At least..." "I couldn't live with what I'd done." "What you did to get rid of me." "So this is your revenge, is it?" "No!" "I just wanted to see for myself." "That's all." "See you." "But then I saw her." "So I left school." "Got a job, and saved up for this place." "You needn't have bothered." "Everything's perfect as it is." "Can you get off me now, please?" "Lucky for you my piles are giving me jip." "So what now?" "I can't think straight." "You're still in shock." "I know it's my fault but you can't leave like this." "Argh!" "Next door's empty." "So once I've knocked this through and decorated, this place will be like a palace." "You doing this is giving him false hope." "How?" "You think Sue's gonna drop everything and fly over here?" "Sue agreed!" "She's coming over with the kids!" "Told you." "We'll never get it done in time." "Not the way Sue'd want." "If me and you work together, we will." "I'll help with the decorating." "Look, I'm not being funny, but this is man's work." "Shane mind you helping?" "You don't have to..." "It's fine." "Shane's fine." "I want to help." "I'll leave you men to it." "Hammer time!" "Got you an en suite." "Oohh..." "Wake up." "That's mine!" "Get off." "Move, get out the house now." "Everyone, out, now." "Get out!" "Move!" "Oi, get the fuck out, go on, move." "Up, now." "Get out, now." "Where've you been?" "Celebrating my Polish friend's new job." "No, no, no, Hun-gar-y." "Yeah, me too." "Packet of turkey flavoured crisps do you?" "And Aidan's demise." "Money isn't worth it." "What?" "Why?" "I was thrown out my own house!" "A man my age shouldn't have to put up with that." "I should be living in comfort." "Men of your age are usually out working." "I've had more jobs than Mr Benn." "I am not work shy." "It's my back, you see." "I know you're not, you're fucking allergic." "This is just a blip." "I'll sort Aidan." "You've done enough damage." "For his own sake, he needs to be reminded who's in charge." "He's due in court tomorrow." "His solicitor says it's up to me whether he's packed off to a young offenders or not." "Best place for him." "You can't." "Nothing gets past you, does it?" "The way you treated the house." "Me and Frank." "After everything I've done for you?" "Is that fair?" "Patty?" "I could get you off." "I could persuade Frank, to keep you at home if you promise your days of taking the piss are over." "Room for a little one?" "Time you've finished, water'll be cold." "It took me an hour and 80 kettles to fill up this." "What's the matter?" "You're the one who said we should bond, get closer." "There are certain boundaries you just don't cross." "What's the matter?" "I'm not gay." "Plum fiddler!" "Cock jockey!" "Arse bandit!" "Bollock ninja!" "Brother fucker!" "This is exactly why I didn't say anything." "I am capable of being mates with a man without being pervy, you know." "I see you as a mate, nothing more, so don't flatter yourself." "You're not even my type anyway." "So..." "Who is your type?" "Go on?" "Well..." "Just someone nice and loving." "Who I can tell anything to and just know it'd be safe with him." "Someone who's easy to talk to, and will always be there for me no matter what." "When I'm sad, he'd comfort me and tell me everything will be OK." "Big dick!" "Yeah!" "What about you?" "There is someone." "Trust her with my life." "She's perfect." "I'd be with her now but... it's difficult." "I know who it is!" "Well, it's Sue, innit?" "You don't just want your kids back, you want her back too." "You want to be a family again." "You snore like a jumbo jet." "If you're hungry, there's cereal or toast." "I like a full English." "In the grill." "Kept it warm for you." "Smart arse." "I can't deny Cilla her dad." "What kind of mother would that make me?" "I want to tell me kids." "I don't want to be "a" dad." "I'm her dad." "I want to be in Cilla's life for the rest of mine." "And..." "Don't be getting ahead of yourself." "Things need to be sorted between me and my family first." "Understand?" "Cheese and tomato pizza?" "Cheese and tomato garlic bread." "I got you a meat feast." "But she is vegetarian." "Yeah..." "Fuck have you been?" "Where d'you think?" "With that snidey twitching twat, Marty." "He's all right." "He's scum." "You're scum." "Shane." "All of you, fucking drop it!" "Got something to tell you." "It's about..." "It's about..." "It's about..." "You going to keep us in suspenders or what, Mam?" "It's about Cilla's dad." "We know." "Billy Tutton." "Fucking what?" "I only told Shane!" "Nobody told me!" "I've been worried sick keeping it a secret because I was ashamed." "Mimi, you shagged a 14 year old?" "Did she, fuck." "Mam's not a paedo." "How is Cilla Billy's if they didn't shag, dickhead?" "Well, got his..." "Well, she opened..." "Mum, tell her you're not a paedo!" "Are you?" "I didn't know how old he was." "I gave him wanks." "And sometimes I'd..." "I'd lie in bed and flick me bean while he stood over tugging off." "Argh." "No!" "One time he got too close and there was a spillage." "At the time, Billy warned I could get pregnant." "I never thought I..." "See." "It was a jizz finger, that's all." "Mam, you've done nothing to be ashamed of." "And we love you." "He's back." "He wants access to Cilla." "No way!" "I'll tear his fucking bollocks off!" "I'll carve him a new arsehole!" "I'll murder the fucking cunt!" "Electronic tag and a 6pm curfew." "How's that punishment?" "Human rights gone mad!" "Oi!" "What's he doing in my room?" "That's our contingency." "We rented it out." "Your mother could turn up any day." "We have to cover our backs." "Until then, you won't be taking the proverbial any more." "If you don't like it, you're welcome to give your mates at social services a call." "You'll get used to sharing." "He works nights, security." "So he'll sleep all day." "You won't even know he's there." "And I'm obliged to let you know he's on the sex offenders register." "Some lost in translation thing." "It's a stupid law anyway." "You have to leave, now." "The news about you didn't go down well." "They want your blood and I can't protect you." "I didn't come back, do all this, to just run away." "Are you daft?" "You can't just show up and act like everything's normal." "It's not." "It's fucked up!" "I'm older, I'm not a kid any more." "I'm 16." "If you give me a chance, we can make it work." "I have to know I'm doing the right thing by Cilla and without my lads on side, you can't be in her life." "You need to prove to me and them that you're ready to be her father." "And if you can't, I understand, but it's that or nothing." ""The three billy goats gruff had to cross a river." ""There was only one bridge across it" ""and under the bridge lived a nasty troll." ""The smallest billy goat gruff was the first to get to the bridge..." ""The next billy goat gruff crossed the bridge." ""Clip-clop, clip-clop. 'Who's that clip-clopping over my bridge?" "'," ""shouted the troll..." ""The third billy goat gruff approached the bridge..."" "You're shaking all over." "That's not my fucking problem!" "Just do what you're fucking told or I'll rip you in fucking two!" "I know it's what you wanted, but I can't do it." "I'm not meeting Jamie." "It'd be suicide." "For Cilla, I can't be reckless with my life." "Please don't take her away from me." "What the fuck?" "!" "I love ya." "I've been up the wall trying to get a grip of how to make this work and you've been lying to me?" "You don't want Cilla!" "You want to get into me knickers again!" "I do want Cilla... and I want you." "You can't have us both." "Why not?" "You love me." "I know it." "We can be a family." "I don't love you, Billy, and if you can't accept that, the deal's off." "Have you finished with Lillian's tool box?" "Cos I've got a few decorating ideas..." "Fuck me!" "Where did you...?" "Oi!" "You bastard!" "Well, couldn't wait for you." "Sue's flying over tomorrow." "Do you like it?" "I love it!" "If..." "If you was a high-maintenance kinda girl, would this sort of place give you a wide-on?" "I beg your pardon?" "Well, Marty's trying to get back with Sue so any ideas?" "Didn't realise." "Mainly for the kids." "I mean, one step at a time." "How we supposed to put a shelf up with that?" "I best get off." "I'm helping Shane with Mimi's party." "I'm really excited for you, Marty, I hope it works out." "Come tomorrow and meet my kids." "I don't want to be in the way." "You won't." "An old work mate heard where Mum is." "Gave me the address." "S'cuse me, have you seen her?" "She's my mum." "She's got blacky brown hair." "About this big." "Ta for keeping hold of my tag." "I tried it on but..." "I can't get it off." "Soak your ankle in warm water." "Either tell me now, or three glasses later when the truth juice kicks in." "I'm fine." "I was going to give Billy a chance, only he tried it on, said he loved me, so I called it off." "That because you don't love him back, or because you do?" "Neither." "Can't do right for doing wrong?" "Me, too." "He's not ready anyway, he's 16." "Truthfully, when is anyone ready to be a parent?" "Doesn't matter, my lads have made it clear they'll never accept it." "This is the best thing for everyone." "Except Cilla." "You're going to have tell her why you rejected her dad." "Because he said he loved you?" "!" "Want some advice?" "Grow a clit, for fuck's sake, and stop hiding behind your boys and making excuses!" "Take control before you regret it." "Don't talk to me like that!" "You're right though." "She'll find out when she's old enough, then she'll hate me." "Thanks" "Pleasure" "Do him, son, do him, do him!" "Yes!" "Kicked your arse again!" "That's the third time." "Do you want another round?" "I know where Mum is." "I might not agree with Patty, but she's better at this stuff than me." "Don't tell her." "Listen, when people like your mum disappear it's because they don't want to be found." "Thought you'd be on my side?" "I am!" "Look, I've been through it." "I were just like you at your age, 'cept... better looking!" "Hey, from one mate to another, just be careful." "Made a stew for everyone." "Grand." "What did you do, piss in it?" "Lovely" "If I promise to be good, will you get rid of Poley?" "And lose an extra 50 notes a week?" "Fucked if I'm going to let that go!" "Leave off, Frank." "He's making an effort, we should embrace it." "Actually, I've suddenly acquired a hunger." "I made it for tea." "Fancy any, Patty?" "You're offering an olive branch." "Do you want me to accept or snap it in two?" "All right, kiddo?" "Come on, come on in, take a seat and I shall serve you some of Aidan's lovely stew." "Tastes like arsehole!" "Salt!" "Mm." "This'll be Patty and Frank at Mimi's party when the stew kicks." "You will come back and visit?" "'Course." "Poley?" "!" "You were only supposed to shit yourself!" "Carl!" "Wake up." "Help!" "Wake up!" "Help!" "Help!" "Someone help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Get your mum!" "My baby!" "Your mum, she'll know what to do!" "She's at Mimi's party." "It's the stew!" "Ambulance, please!" "Poley's dead!" "What?" "!" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry!" "Aidan!" "What you doing out here?" "I went to the airport to pick Sue and the kids up, and they weren't there." "The bitch didn't even book a flight." "I checked." "How's Marty?" "He's in the flat waiting." "How can I tell him?" "It'll crush him." "No!" "It took me ages to put them up!" "Fuck!" "I'm sorry, Marty, I am, but just calm down!" "Look, I'm here for you." "Come here." "It's never going to happen, is it?" "No matter how hard I try." "I've lost them!" "I am not going to let you give up." "Trust me." "Awkward." "Clear the pub." "We've got some family issues to sort." "Mum!" "So why didn't you come for me, then?" "Wanted this place done up." "Ready for you." "Wait till you see the wallpaper I've picked for your room." "You could've phoned, or a letter?" "Supposed to be a surprise." "Anyway, it's not just the flat." "I needed to sort myself out as well." "Been clean for 12 months." "Couldn't have done it without Eddie." "Eddie?" "!" "Volunteer at the prison." "Patty know your here?" "I'm not going back." "A couple of days, tops, while I get your room ready." "I can help decorate." "Come here." "I've missed ya." "I'll just get you that drink." "No!" "Mum!" "You don't know what I've done!" "What have you done?" "What are you talking about?" "Left this in his bedsit." "Getting a bit fucking sloppy, aren't you?" "Shane saw how stressed you were, so we put the feelers out." "Turns out the little fucker's dealing for Joe Jangles." "So we got his address, went round gave him the full Maguire treatment." "He won't be coming back." "He's...?" "Ta-da!" "Happy birthday, Mam." "Due on the six o'clock to Billericay." "God give me patience, cos if he gave me strength I'd twat the pair of you!" "Untie him now!" "Marty likes you." "No, he loves you." "Do you love him?" "Marty's like family to me." "You liar." "I'm not!" "Don't insult me." "I've seen the way you held him, the way you stared at each other." "You put me up with him so you'd have a nice little excuse to see him." "The same reason why he let me stay." "The pair of you have been taking me for a right fucking mug!" "Micky, whatever feelings you think I've got for Marty, you're wrong." "Believe me, Shane is the man I love." "He's the reason that you and Shane have been fighting." "Shane blames Marty, but it's not his fault." "Nothing's going on." "Me and Shane are working it out." "I'm not going to interfere." "It's your business." "But if you can't be honest with me, be honest with yourself." "For your marriage." "Whoa, where's the party?" "Where the fuck've you been?" "She's been helping me with some stuff." "Billy's staying." "And he's moving in." "Not happening." "No fucking way he's staying here." "Billy is Cilla's dad, your sister's father." "Like it or not, you have to respect that, like I did for you." "When Karen cheated and ran away with Connor," "I thought good riddance to the slapper." "But when you forgave her, who was the only one to welcome her back with open arms?" "I nearly disowned you when you came home with a prossie, but you didn't give a shit and you stuck by her, and I'm glad you did because Kelly's turned out to be fucking quality." "And you..." "Me?" "!" "We were mortified when you came home with a pink limo." "It's fu..." "Fucking fuchsia, whatever!" "I know my own mind, like you lot do and he may not be perfect, but he's everything Cilla needs." "And I know he'll make a good dad." "And he's boss at footy, too." "There's no way he'll ever be one of us." "Billy, this arrangement is for Cilla." "You dare attempt to look sexy-eyed at me and I'll send you back to Billericay a fucking eunuch." "Right?" "What's going on?" "It's my house, it's me son Carl!" "Aidan." "Where's Aidan?" "What happened?" "Is he OK?" "Carl!" "Carl!" "Patty!" "Aidan pulled Carl from the house." "If he'd been there any longer..." "Where is he?" "Carl!" "Is he alive?" "Talk to me, son." "Talk to your dad." "Didn't jump out the window, then?" "Your stew didn't finish Poley off." "Carbon monoxide poisoning from his own half-arsed effort on the water heater did." "Carl's going to be OK, cos of you." "Patty..." "Could you give us a moment, please?" "I'm not taking Aidan." "The boy needs to be with his mother." "I'll be good, I promise." "I'll stay in school and I won't cause trouble." "Please, Mum?" "No." "You've got to, or he'll have to go into care." "What?" "!" "I'm clean, and I want to stay that way." "If I took him back, I'd be on the streets and shooting up in days." "You want me better, don't you?" "Don't you dare blame him for your shortcomings!" "It's true!" "I wonder where my years have gone!" "Wonder how I'm 29 and look 40!" "I wonder why my life's turned so shit!" "I wonder." "I'm not supposed to be a mother!" "He's more than you deserve!" "You are and always have been a snotty-nosed, no-good selfish spiteful whore!" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "You don't justify an ounce of pity!" "Patty..." "Wait outside." "Please!" "You wasn't coming for me, was ya?" "You always promised things would get better." "That you'd change." "They never did... cos of me?" "I'm better off without you." "I'll hold you to that." "Love you." "'I get it now." "'Home isn't bricks and mortar." "'Home is family." "'You can't demolish that." "'We're Grade I. We're listed.'" "Home." "'But don't take that for granted, cos things will fall apart." "There's nothing like a carbon monoxide poisoned house 'to bring a family back together." "Get me?" "'" "I need cash, so..." "I'll have to do a job." "Get a job." "Shut the fuck up!" "This is a stick up!" "You could've got killed yourself, then what would I have done?" "Ten grand reward for somebody to grass him up." "Maguires don't grass." "Really am thrilled..." "Get rid of that boring bastard, then I'll be impressed." "I didn't mean kill him, you thick twat!" "It's funny you never mentioned your wife and kids died in an house fire." "I love you and I want you with me." "I'll be at the bus stop." "Muirfield Avenue." "I've not seen you." "Subs by Red Bee Media Ltd and APOLLO" "The ultimate test of trust." "You lift me up like Swayze does in Dirty Dancing." "We do this, we're solid." "Sorry." "No, I'm not!"