"Okay, i'll get out For you, shawn." "You finally sell your first novel..." "Mm-hmm." "You can afford to move out of my guest room--the whole deal." "But if you do," "Your mother grows a small but scaly lizard tail." "(whistles)" "Okay, let me ask you this" "Uh, can she hide it in her pants?" "If she doesn't mind the discomfort." "Yeah, sorry, mom." "You're gonna have to take one for the team." "Yeah." "(panting) oh, good." "My sister's not here yet." "Calm down." "What's going on?" "Big..." "News..." "Situation!" "Hey, shh." "What is it, lassie?" "Is timmy trapped in the well?" "Just look at this!" "I got it out of rebecca's mailbox." "Rebecca's ex-husband is getting married already?" "It's only been, like, five months." "This is gonna kill her." "I can't believe he had the nerve to invite her to his wedding." "I mean, for as long as we draw breath," "She shall never know about this." "Do you hear me?" "I do." "Do you hear me?" "Yeah." "Never, ever tell rebecca." "Never, ever tell me what?" "Oh." "Um, uh, we didn't want to--this is not" "Uh, there..." "May..." "Not be a god." "So church camp was for nothing?" "Apparently." "(laughs)" "So what is it you can't tell me?" "No, no, no." "That--that was it." "The waiter came over, and, uh, he was an atheist, and, uh," "It turns out he had some pretty convincing arguments." "Perry, what are you hiding behind your back?" "Anywho, your hair is so beautiful." "Oh, what?" "Why are you even..." "I was... (whispers) shoot." "Oh, I-I thought you were talking to me." "You must be talking to this guy." "(groans and chuckles)" "(whispers) I'm sorry." "Wow." "Steven's getting married?" "Oh, and you guys thought I'd be upset about this, huh?" "(chuckles) I mean, why, you know?" "I'm not with him anymore." "You know, we're divorced." "He lives in seattle, where it rains all of the time." "Oh, my god." "This is so unfair." "He went out and met someone," "And all I do every day is-- is work and be a mom." "I think that this just means you have to go out there, too." "No." "I can't." "I have to work and be a mom." "Besides, even if I wanted to," "How am I supposed to meet someone?" "Well, maybe just stay here, 'cause that guy over there keeps smiling at you." "(scoffs) what a pervert." "Bet you he's touching himself under the table right now." "Because of me?" "I'm really not ready." "Yes, you are ready." "I mean, this is exactly what you need." "Right, guys?" "Shawn?" "Uh, yeah, absolutely." "Guess it couldn't hurt" "To take your old, dusty thing out of storage." "Go for it." "W--you want me to go over there and ask him out?" "No, no, no." "Just smile at him." "I can't." "Just smile." "Okay." "Now what?" "Oh, my god." "Oh, my god." "He's coming over here." "He's coming over here." "What--should-- should I say "hello"" "Or do you think "hi" is better?" "I think those are both witty." "Hi." "I'm doug." "Hello." "(doug chuckles)" "Hi." "Hola." "âª" "Captioned by closed captioning services, inc." "I still can't believe rebecca's actually going on a date." "I still can't believe I came to a cooking class." "Uh, you want to remind me why I'm here again?" "'cause you're my best friend and you value my companionship," "And I'm the only thing between you and a homeless shelter." "Ah." "Well, it's gonna be awesome." "We're gonna learn how to make frushi." "What the hell is frushi?" "Fruit sushi." "All right, to make coconut frushi..." "Coconut frushi!" "You use a quarter cup of agave nectar, a dash of salt..." "Do they even make agave nectar or did she just make that up?" "Okay, I'm trying to listen here." "Oh." "Sorry." "(snaps fingers) perry, there's one person in this room I would do sober," "And she just flirted with you." "Really?" "That's what that was?" "Okay, I-I didn't even know." "Go talk to her." "What does she look like?" "Does she look like the kind of girl" "I'd like to spend the next 40 years of my life with," "Who'd want to have six kids and two pugs" "And let me snuggle with her and give her foot rubs" "While we watch anderson cooper all night?" "I-I don't know." "I was just kinda looking at her rack." "Oh." "Hi." "I'm sorry about that." "Uh, they--there actually is such a thing as agave nectar." "Yeah." "They sell it at most fine grocery stores... (whimsical voice) in the land of agave." "(chuckles) âª I just made a date with frushi girl âª âª uhh!" "I just made a date with frushi girl, say it!" "âª âª he just made a date with frushi girl âª" "What's going on?" "I just made a date with frushi girl." "Right on." "Dude, this girl's the real thing." "I just spent" "An hour on the phone with her, half of which was me saying," ""you hang up," and then her going, "you hang up,"" "Then me going, "you hang up." neither of us wanted to hang up." "Yeah." "(knock on door) uh, yeah." "Come in." "Hi." "Hey." "Bec." "What's up, justin?" "Hey, mr." "Gill, shawn." "How come you never call me "mister"?" "I guess I just don't think of you as a grown-up." "(laughs) all right!" "Guess what." "What?" "We both have dates on the same night." "That hasn't happened since senior prom." "I just hope this one doesn't end" "With you holding my hair while I vomit." "I miss your ponytail." "This is still a good time, right, shawn?" "(door closes) you told me last week you'd help justin with his homework." "Oh." "I kinda thought we were both joking." "Please, shawn." "He's not doing well in creative writing," "And you're a "writer."" "Uh, "thanks." I. Um..." "I... (groans)" "Okay." "Yeah." "Okay." "Come on, justin." "Sit down." "Uh, you ready for some learnin'?" "Can't I just play "call of duty"?" "Justin, shawn is helping you out of the goodness of his heart." "Oh." "Really?" "I kind of assumed there'd be a small fee." "No?" "Heart." "(grunts)" "Okay, I will be back in an hour." "Love you." "Love you." "Justin, the comma is" "An incredibly versatile instrument" "I'm gonna make this quick." "Hand in one of my stories." "Okay." "(groans)" "(lisa) wow." "(whistles)" "Oh..." "My..." "God." "You are like all three of my favorite disney princesses" "Rolled into one." "I don't know if I'm ready." "You are ready." "You are ready." "You are a strong, confident woman," "And you've been hiding that light under your blanket" "For far too long, girl." "Now let it shine." "Why you don't have a daytime talk show for women," "I'll never know." "I just wanna give you something." "Own the night." "Look, rebecca, if you're really that nervous," "I'm happy to take you upstairs and relax you sexually." "I mean, I'll be quick." "So I've heard." "You're gonna be great, sis." "You think?" "I don't know." "I haven't been on a date since I was practically justin's age." "Oh." "Yeah, about that" "You're not gonna tell him you have a kid, right?" "Of course I am." "(scoffs) she's not gonna deny the existence of her child." "That's right." "She's just gonna tell him he's 7." "What?" "7's a cuter age." "Yeah, plus saying you have a 15 year old" "Kinda makes you sound a little, uh, you know... (coughs)" "(hoarse voice) how come you never visit?" "(scoffs)" "Oh, my god." "You're right." "Yeah." "Okay." "Uh, what else shouldn't I tell him?" "Oh, uh, maybe the fact that you were divorced five months ago." "What's wrong with that?" "He might think you're a little wounded, damaged" "And on the rebound." "Yeah, my three favorite princesses." "Okay, well, I can just talk to him about work." "(groans) mm, one tiny problem" "When talking to a high-powered female lawyer," "Some men's units tend to shrivel up." "Let's go." "Okay, well, so--so what am I supposed to talk to him about?" "Well, don't overthink it." "Just be yourself." "You're gonna do great, kid." "Okay, have fun, ya nut. (chuckles) oh." "Do you need to be relaxed?" "Whew!" "That's-- uh, well, I've never met" "Anyone else who's seen every episode of "iron chef."" "What can I say?" "I have a full life." "(chuckles) let's just keep it going." "What else do we have in common?" "Uh, do you like dogs or cats?" "I actually prefer bunnies." "Me, too." "It was a trick question." "It was a trick question." "(chuckles)" "I had such an amazing time tonight." "I'm so glad you said that." "I-I--dinner was amazing." "And did you notice there were no awkward pauses between us?" "I-I feel very comfortable around you." "Me, too." "Now tell me I'm a bad girl and spank me." "Oh." "I'm sorry." "What's that?" "Oh." "Tell me I'm a bad girl and spank me." "(keys jangle)" "(loud slap)" "(loud slap)" "Uh, buddy, you should probably put a sock on the door" "If you're gonna be, uh..." "Marika wanted me to do, like, nasty things to her," "Like, you know, like, uh, do the spanking" "And the calling of the bad names..." "Whoa." "And I don't even know where to begin with stuff like that." "I asked her if I could just swat her a little, you know," "And say nice things, but in a bad voice, like... (deepened voice) "yeah, take that," "You beautiful angel that makes me laugh." wow." "That didn't work?" "(normal voice) no." "No?" "I-I want to give her what she wants." "I mean, she's perfect in every single way," "Except this very, very disturbing little quirk." "(blows air)" "Well, I never thought I'd hear myself say these words," "But you just keep hitting yourself" "In the ass with that spatula." "I wonder how rebecca's doing on her date." "Oh." "No." "I wouldn't worry about that." "I'm sure it's going great." "(clears throat)" "She started to get a bit nervous, but, uh," "Lisa and I stayed over and gave her a little pep talk." "So do you have any kids?" "Uh..." "Yeah?" "Me, too." "Billy." "He's 7." "7, too, is the age of my child." "(chuckles)" "Oh, he's adorable." "You have any pictures of yours?" "Uh, yeah, of course I do." "Uh, eesh." "You know what?" "I don't think... (mutters)" "He's not very photogenic, you know?" "Oh, come on." "Come on." "(chuckles)" "Wow, uh..." "Yeah." "Uh, he-- he's pretty mature for 7." "Yeah, that's the wrong picture." "That--that's not a picture of my son." "Oh." "It's a picture of my, uh..." "My ex." "Y" "What?" "I don't understand." "I mean, he asked you out again." "What's the problem?" "I told him I'm divorced from my son." "Well, at least you're not still married to him, right?" "You got me so damn nervous," "I didn't know half the crap that was coming out of my mouth." "I think when he asked me what I did for a living," "I told him I wash dogs." "I'm so sorry." "We were just trying to help." "Yeah." "Okay, I was really hoping" "That this would make me feel better," "But look at me." "My ex-husband is getting married," "And I can't even get through a simple date." "Well, let me ask you something, bec." "Did you like doug?" "Yeah, yeah." "I mean, he was incredibly understanding" "Of some very weird stuff." "Then, reebs, I think you should go out with him again." "Absolutely." "Definitely." "Are you kidding?" "I think I've proved that my dusty thing belongs in storage." "Mnh-mnh." "Mnh-mnh." "Look, maybe we steered you wrong before, okay?" "But give yourself another chance," "And this time, come clean." "(sighs) really?" "Oh, yeah." "Yes, yes." "If he's as nice as you think he is," "He'll be okay with it." "Okay." "And if he isn't okay with it," "I'll lick his finger and stick it in a socket." "That's probably something" "Marika's gonna have me do to her." "Yeah, what are you gonna do about that?" "You know, I just need to suck it up, all right..." "(shawn) yeah." "Learn to smack the crap out of her so she'll love me." "Yeah." "Oh, hey, by the way," "Uh, did justin ever get a grade for his story?" "I totally forgot to tell you." "He got his best grade ever..." "Ah, well, I'm not surprised." "(chuckles) a b-minus." "A what?" "A b-minus." "I heard you!" "(knocks on doorjamb) hey." "Hey." "What are you doing here?" "Uh, I just came by to chat." "How you doing?" "I'm okay, thanks." "Uh-huh." "I just got off the phone with my mother." "Uh-huh." "She's feeling a little sick." "Yeah, it's a rough age." "Is justin in?" "Listen, justin, about that story-- yeah, it was great, a b-minus." "Yeah, I know!" "Okay." "Um, just" "But don't--don't--don't sell yourself short, okay?" "You're capable of so much more." "Thank you." "Okay." "Hand in this one." "Thank you so much for helping me with this." "Oh, all you need is a little practice." "Yeah." "Now call me some dirty names." "Okay." "Just gonna throw me right into the deep end, eh?" "(chuckles) uh, I thought we might ease into the dirty--okay." "Come on, perry." "I gotta get back to my kindergarten class" "Before nap time's over." "Oh." "Now tell me I'm a bitch" "And you wanna bang my head against the headboard." "Yeah, actually, I have an idea." "What if I wrote down some dirty things" "And did it with my left hand, so it's all rough" "And... (grunts) and--and then I can throw it at her?" "Um..." "Ooh." "Pretend I'm marika." "Say something nasty to me, then smack my butt." "Okay." "Uh, you're in..." "Okay." "Um, all right, okay." "I bet you didn't even vote in the last election." "Yeah." "And, uh, swat the pillow." "Okay." "Perry, kick it up a notch." "Come on." "Here." "(clears throat)" "Oh." "Hmm." "Now..." "Tell me, uh," "You wanna drip hot wax on me and dangle me out a window." "How did you even come up with that?" "Oh, I did it to a guy last week." "Really?" "Now tell me." "Give it a-- oh, there's no way I'm saying that." "No." "Oh!" "All right, new tactic..." "Okay." "While you're spanking her, think of someone who gets you mad." "Hmm." "Someone you hate." "Um..." "Huh." "Now my aunt's a bit of a handful." "Uh, although I kinda fell bad for her, 'cause I think she has a complex." "My mother used to belittle her--oh." "Perry, think of someone who pisses you off this second," "Or I'm gonna pee in your hope chest." "I don't know." "I've--I've never" "I'm not that kind of person." "I don't know how." "You are gonna lose this woman if you don't." "Darth vader!" "What?" "Darth vader." "(voice breaks) I hate him!" "Punish me, baby." "Abso-tively." "Um..." "You know what?" "I will be right back, okay?" "Mm." "(whispers) come on." "Come on." "Come on." "Come on." "(lowered voice) hey, you need to do that thing for me right now." "(lisa imitating darth vader's breathing)" "(deepened voice) use some force!" "(deepened voice) oh, I will, you heavy-breathing bastard." "(normal voice) oh, my god." "Thank you so much." "Bye, lisa." "(normal voice) hey." "Hey." "Hey." "How'd we do on this one?" "We aced it." "Finally." "We got a "b."" "Damn it!" "I... (exhales deeply)" "Look, what was wrong with my story--son's stor" "My son's story?" "I don't know why you're so upset." "Justin got a "b,"" "Which is a pretty good grade." "Yeah, but six other kids did better." "Look, it was imaginative," "But I just didn't think it was "a"-worthy." "To be candid, I found it a little trite." "Your face is trite." "I have to say, I'm--I'm so glad I met you." "There--there's so many phonies out there." "âª" "Listen, uh, doug, I'm sorry," "But there's something I have to tell you." "Uh, I've--I've been a little untruthful with you." "You know, I'm so glad you said that." "I-I lied about something, too." "I didn't really grow up in new york." "I grew up on long island." "I thought new york made me sound more sophisticated." "(laughs) yeah." "It's okay." "It's okay." "Um, I lied..." "About being a dog washer." "W" "I'm actually a lawyer." "I don't know, for some reason, I thought it might turn you off." "Okay, so we each lied about one thing." "âª" "Yep!" "One thing." "All right." "And, you know, just for the record," "You being a lawyer does not turn me off." "I-I'm fascinated by the law." "Oh, well, in that case, let me tell you a little story" "Holy crap." "It's your ex." "âª" "(door closes) âª" "Hey, mom." "Sorry to barge in," "But my teacher wants to see you right now." "Okay." "This is obviously over." "But I haven't dated in a really long time," "And I'd appreciate your input so I could do better next time." "When I tell a guy I have a kid," "Should I say he's 8, 10 or 12?" "Adios." "(door closes)" "(footsteps pound)" "Hey." "Hey." "I'm trying to have sex with marika," "And lisa won't pick up her cell phone." "Do you do a darth vader?" "Uh, no, but I actually do a pretty good jimmy stewart." "Wait." "What?" "She's blindfolded, man." "She's in there waiting for me." "I don't have time." "Oh, god." "Perry, this looks like it's killing you." "No." "Just..." "Oh!" "Oh, god." "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "Every time I'm with her," "I feel like turning myself in to the cops." "Hey." "Now you listen to me." "There's an easy solution here." "You said she's blindfolded, right?" "Yeah." "Okay." "You let me go in there." "I'll spank her for you." "You'd do that for me?" "It's who I am." "It's what I do." "No, no, no." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "It shouldn't take this many of my friends" "For me to have sex with a girl." "Oh." "I have to break up with her, don't I?" "Yeah, it's probably for the best." "But just to be clear, you still want me to go in there, right?" "No." "Are you sure?" "No." "(marika) please send in your roommate." "Well, hey, you'll never have to go" "On your first post-divorce date again." "Hear, hear." "I can't believe it." "I've moved on." "I mean, when I was out with him," "I wasn't even thinking about steven's wedding." "I was just trying to think of funny dog washing stories." "(chuckles)" "Thank you, guys, for pushing me back out there." "Hey, you did it yourself." "It's hard out there." "We're proud of you." "You're gonna have to kiss a lot of frogs" "Before you find that one that..." "Won't ask you to put a tennis ball in its mouth" "And watch it go to the bathroom." "Oh, my god!" "There's a lot of stuff I didn't tell you about." "(scoffs) so is it too soon for me to call her?" "Ow!" "That's how you do it."