"This book that sits before me is the physical manifestation of all your hard work." "The fruits of your labor." "The vessel in which you've laid bare your soul, exposing it like a freshly-waxed orifice." "Oh!" "Let me see the orifice." "I mean, the-the book." "God, the book, the book." "(gasps) Oh." "It's beautiful." "(laughs)" "Bring it to your bosom." "Oh, my God, it's real." "My own book." "Oh, and look at me in that brown sweater." "You know, I fight it, but I really am an Autumn." "I want you to enjoy this moment... the crowning achievement for every writer." "I will." "I-I've dreamt of this day." "Good." "Now wake up!" "Hey!" "You're not a writer anymore." "From now on, you're a salesman, a carnival barker, and that book is your bearded lady, your dog-faced boy, your conjoined twins." "Okay, I get it!" "I gotta sell the book!" "No, forget about the book." "You gotta sell yourself." "Okay..." "Cut it out!" "You must brand yourself..." "like Stephen King, J.K. Rowling, that Chicken Soup for the Soul guy." "Okay, I get it." "Just stop throwing it." "We'll start the media push with radio." "Oh... radio." "I just..." "think that this might... want to be on TV." "Well, that doesn't get on TV until this goes viral." "Blogs, podcasts, social media... this needs to spread faster than gonorrhea in a Dutch prison." "(anxious laugh)" "Yikes... guess who's not jaywalking in Amsterdam." "(laughs)" "But what about that launch party?" "You just tell me when and where and I'll throw on something brown." "I would love to have a grand launch party for you." "Oh!" "Unfortunately, the golden age of publishing is long gone." "How I miss the glamour, the money, the cocaine..." "Mostly the cocaine." "You know, I snorted Sweet'N Low once." "It mostly just stung, but I got into that sorority." "That's not to say that we're not gonna celebrate, it'll just be a little less showy." "Oh!" "(laughs)" "Book launch!" "Yeah!" "Oh, is that it?" "Unless you have some cocaine." "♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪" "♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪" "♪ For the first time in my life ♪" "♪ I see love ♪" "♪ I see love ♪" "♪ For the first time in my life ♪" "♪ I see love ♪" "This is exciting." "I'm so proud of you, honey." "Oh...!" "Oh, wait till you see it, the book turned out beautiful." "Hey, you want me to help there?" "No." "I got it, I got it." "I just need to get this... this tape started." "You want a knife?" "Do you want to scratch the book?" "All right." "Honey, you know what I did?" "I did write a dedication page for you guys to thank you for all your support." "Well, why don't you open the box and let us see?" "I am trying, okay?" "Do you not see me trying to open it?" "Okay, if anybody here could maybe give me scissors or a knife or something." "Here." "Something to help." "God, I gotta beg for it." "Be careful, that's razor-sharp." "Yeah." "Ow!" "Son of a..." "Oh!" "God." "Oh, oh!" "Oh... oh..." "You're listening to The Morning Drive Time with Big Stain and Willie." "(car horn oogahs)" "It's ten minutes after the hour, and we're back with Molly Flynn, talking about her sexy new book, Within Her Walls." "Ooh!" "Welcome, Molly." "Thank you, Big Stain." "It's nice to be here." "So, this book..." "I hear it's, uh, one spicy read. (growls)" "Well..." "Well, it definitely has its moments, but it's really a story about a woman on a journey of self-discovery." "(boinging sound effect)" "(laughs)" "I think Willie liked your book." "(boinging)" "Well, thank you, Willie." "Um..." "Hopefully, it will appeal to a broad audience." "You know, I..." "I tried to speak to the human condition and not just have a series of sex scenes in it, so... (boinging)" "Oh, okay, all right, I get it, I get it." "You're-You're gonna make that sound every time I say anything that has a sexual connotation." "(boinging)" "There it is." "Okay, anyhoo, uh, the point that I was trying to make is that this book has a strong female voice, which I think is really underrepresented in modern literature, so I... (snoring)" "BIG STAIN:" "Wake up, Willie, the lady's talking." "(giggles) It's funny." "It's very funny." "Um, listen, I understand that this is your show, and that the wacky noises are all part of the fun, but I worked my butt off... (farting)" "Aw, Willie!" "(forced laugh)" "Make all the goofy noises you want, I'm fine with it as long as I can still promote my book, so... (buzzing)" "Oh, it looks like we're plumb out of time." "Well, wait a minute, we haven't even promoted the book yet." "Well, what'd you think about it, Willie?" "(repeated boinging)" ""She knew in that moment," ""not only did she find a lover, she also found herself."" "Any questions?" "Yes?" "I noticed your protagonist is a very strong woman with her own thoughts and opinions." "Say she was here tonight... where do you think she'd like to go to dinner after this?" "I don't care, Vince... wherever you guys want to go to eat." "Thank you for your response." "Yeah, I got a question..." "for everybody." "How cute is she, huh?" "Come on!" "Yes, to the man who I don't live with?" "It's more of a follow-up on that other question." "If you like Mediterranean, there's a new Greek place two blocks over... it's right next to that rub and tug." "Thanks, but I was just trying to get the ball rolling 'cause she was dying up there." "We're having Italian." "Hey..." "Hey, Molly's the author." "This is her day." "We like tapas, don't we, honey?" "What I would like is a room full of enthusiastic readers asking questions about my book, but..." "I'll settle for..." "yeah, tapas." "Any other questions?" "That aren't about where we're going to eat?" "Well, you've been a fantastic audience." "Let's keep this awkwardness going over at the signing table." "Get over there and get a book signed." "She looks ridiculous, sitting there all by herself." "I don't want to buy another one." "If she writes in it, I can't return it." "I can hear you." "Okay?" "I'm humiliated, I'm not deaf." "Hi." "Who would you like me to make this out to?" "I am the one who leads the lambs to slaughter." "How about best wishes?" "(chuckles)" "Finally finished reading your wife's book." "It's very well-written." "I'll tell her you said that." "Yeah, and don't tell her I said this: it's a bit of a turn-on." "Yeah, I kind of don't want to hear that, either." "Can I tell you a little secret?" "No." "It's the first time I've taken care of business without visual aids." "Aah!" "I get it." "So how's it going with the sales?" "Oh, not so good." "Molly's busting her ass but no one's buying." "You know what she needs..." "an endorsement." "Some celebrity blabbing about how much they like the book." "Yo, that's a good idea." "You know, you think about it, she's a Chicago schoolteacher, she writes a book, there's only one Chicago celebrity to promote it." "ALL:" "Oprah..." "That's brilliant." "But how-how do we get it to her?" "Now, I-I been saving this favor, but... my cousin plays tennis with the dog groomer who leases his truck from Stedman's estranged brother." "You never told me you knew Oprah." "Oh, boy, this could be big." "I mean, Oprah reads that book and tells people to buy it, bingo-bango, we got a best-seller." "Exactly." "The only thing we got to do next is figure out who-who stars in the movie." "Well, I don't want to get ahead of ourselves, but my old roommate Ndugo is friends with the karate instructor of the kid whose father washes Laura Linney's Prius." "Oh, she's a wonderful actr..." "Well, wait, ah..." "do you see her in the part?" "Honestly, I see her more as the sister." "I think, for the lead, the name we're all looking for is Emma Stone." "Ah!" "Oh!" "Gentlemen, I think we have a movie." "Yes." "Huh?" "(with stuffy nose):" "My novel's really an exploration of one woman's sexual awakening." "(blows nose)" "It's a love story, you know, plain and simple." "I just developed my themes through erotic... (coughing) ...erotic imagery." "Uh, Within Her Walls." "Available in stores and online." "I got..." "I got a big box here." "If you just call me up..." "(chuckles)" "I'll bring one over to your house." "Just buy the damn thing." "Well, thanks for having me." "I'm sorry I swore." "Got some exciting news." "Stedman's brother's dog groomer?" "Gonna read your book." "Yay." "What is going on with you?" "My book didn't go viral, but I think I did." "Aw..." "Aw, honey, you are burning up." "You gotta get to bed." "No, I can't." "I got another radio interview and then I've got a reading at the retirement home..." "You can't be near the elderly." "Whatever you got will take those old people out like a set of spiral stairs." "What am I supposed to do?" "You're supposed to get upstairs, climb under the covers, and I will bring you some nice tea and honey." "No, I gotta promote my book." "You have been doing that for weeks." "It's time to rest." "It would be nice to rest." "Yes." "Okay." "I'll be right up with your tea." "You still love me, even though I'm a failed author?" "Of course." "(crying):" "You think I'm a failed author?" "No, no!" "Of course I don't!" "Please go to bed." "Please." "(phone ringing)" "Molly Flynn's phone." "Uh, no, she can't do an interview right now." "I'm her husband." "Sure." "Why no" "Okay." ""Chapter Twelve:" "The Hayride." ""The crow of the cock awoke me from my slumber." ""I could still taste the salt of Sebastian on my hungry lips."" "Huh?" "(man speaking Spanish over radio)" "(man continues speaking Spanish) ...Molly Flynn..." "(speaking Spanish) ...Within Her Walls." "Hola, Molly!" "Hola, Manny." "Me llamo Molly Flynn." "Gracias por la invitación." "Mi libro represente un viaje de sexual awakening." "(boing sound effect)" "Adiós." "What are you doing?" "Failing in two languages." "Why are you here?" "I came over to cheer you up." "And I heard you were sick so I brought you some of my five-garlic soup." "Ugh." "I'm not eating that." "Do you want me to rub it on your chest?" "(groans)" "All right." "(gags)" "Oh, that is potent." "Oh." "Whew." "It's really opening up the old nasal passages." "Mmm." "Give it time." "It'll open up all your passages." "Wore yourself out pushing that book, didn't you?" "I tried my best, but no one's buying it." "I don't know what I'm gonna do." "What do you mean what are you gonna do?" "You're gonna start writing again!" "I don't know." "It's too hard." "You don't know hard." "I remember when I was a little girl, working on my daddy's farm." "(quietly):" "Oh, please don't tell me a story." "Let me tell you a story." "I was a meek little thing, scared of my own shadow and the sheep I had to castrate." "That's where you learned it?" "I had to pump my own water, make my own clothes, and if the crop didn't get in, well, we all went hungry." "That's why I wanted Mikey to be heavyset... so he could make it through a tough winter." "Okay, I get it, Peggy." "You had it harder than me." "No, that's not the point I'm trying to make." "The point is, I didn't give up." "Just when I thought my life couldn't possibly get any worse, a city fella in a '56 Rambler pulled up to the house and asked for directions." "Was that Mike's dad?" "Hell, no." "This was a real man." "Wore a three-piece suit with hard shoes and smelled like a pine forest after a spring rain." "That's very poetic, Peggy." "What he did to me wasn't poetic." "It was filthy." "And I loved it." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Got to write it down." "Go." "I got in his car, and we just drove for days, his hand on the wheel, my head in his lap." "I do love a bench seat." "For the next three months we wandered the countryside." "Truth be told, he put more miles on me than he did that Rambler." "(door opens)" "MIKE:" "Hey." "Look who's feeling better." "Hey." "Whew, what is that smell?" "Your mother's five-garlic soup." "Oh, I hope you drank it, 'cause sh-she'll rub it on you." "I went the oral route." "Look at you, writing again." "Yeah, a new story about a young girl coming of age on a hardscrabble farm at the base of the Mudlick Mountains." "Mudlick?" "Th-That's weird." "My mom grew up on a farm in Mudlick." "Aw, no!" "Mike, her story is incredible." "Do you know she ran away from home at 16, with a city feller, and went on a cross-country crime spree?" "(chuckles)" "Wait, what?" "!" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah, I mean, it was... it was petty crime... shoplifting, siphoning gas, not paying for haircuts, that sort of thing, but..." "(chuckles)" "My mother?" "Yeah." "They were hiding in abandoned buildings and barns with your grandfather hot on their trail." "Believe me, their trail was "H-O-T" hot." "I don't think I want to know what that means." "Well, then you better not read our book." ""Our"?" "Yeah, she's writing it with me." "Wha..." "Mike, your mother has a great story, and I want to be the one to help her tell it." "So you're gonna spend the next six months working side-by-side with my mother?" "Oh, it's gonna take at least a year, and more than a few trips to Mudlick." "I want to put my hands in the dirt that sprouted Peggy Biggs." "Okay, well..." "good luck with that." "Just a heads up, I-I think the farm's a Walmart now." "That's fine." "I'll just go to the Garden Center and grab a bag of mulch." "Here we are, ladies." "Okay." "Can I get you two anything to drink?" "I'd take a Sanka, if you got it." "I don't know what that is." "Just get her something hot and bitter." "You said you were trying to picture me as a young girl?" "There I go." "Ladies." "MOLLY:" "Oh!" "Xander, I would like to introduce you mmother-in-law, Ms. Peggy Biggs." "So, this is what became of the lost little girl from Mudlick." "Yep, I..." "Shh!" "Let me drink in that face." "The permanently-etched scowl, the deep lines of disapproval in the forehead, the eyes that once loved but are now filled with silent judgment." "Listen, princess I might have a few lines, but I canola oil this face every night." "It's as soft as a catcher's mitt." "She's magnificent!" "Right?" "I mean... can you imagine the story that turned that sweet little girl into this?" "(Xander clears throat)" "I have to admit, I am rather intrigued by the story." "Oh, I'm so glad, but... just so you know, so is Simon  Schuster." "What?" "Y-You went to them first?" "After the book launch I gave you?" "!" "Well, I mean, we really want to work with you, but... you're gonna have to be willing to work with us." "Show us the money, twinkle toes." "(quietly):" "This is negotiating." "Just play it cool." "(quietly):" "Gotcha." "(both gasp, squeal, laugh)" "Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute." "Is this your final offer?" "It wasn't, but it is now." "Oh, and we were lying about."