"♪ Boy, crazy boys ♪" "♪ Such a crazy boy, crazy boys ♪" "♪ So crazy boy, crazy boys ♪" "♪ Such a crazy boy ♪" "♪ Crazy boys such a crazy boy ♪" "♪ Crazy boys, so crazy boys ♪" "♪ Crazy boys, such a crazy ♪" "♪ Stop and I said, "stop, leave me alone" ♪" "♪ "Cause I ain't got time to put up with the tone ♪" "♪ Too busy dreaming I'm the best ♪" "♪ So sorry, Mr. West, but my video would have won ♪" "♪ If it only did exist ♪" "Oh, man." "Where are my clothes?" "♪ Boy, crazy boys ♪" "♪ Such a crazy boy, crazy boys ♪" "♪ So crazy boy, crazy boys ♪" "♪ Such a crazy boy ♪" "Why do we need clown pants?" "♪ This is about you like everything nowadays ♪" "♪ You took my heart spread it thin like mayonnaise ♪" "♪ A broken record still plays ♪" "♪ But all I hear is static ♪" "♪ You want to try again ♪" "♪ Girl, you're so emphatic ♪" "♪ So dramatic ♪" "♪ The queen of the erratic, breaking me down ♪" "♪ So systematic I can't take the pressure ♪" "♪ I don't need the pain ♪" "♪ It's time to say goodbye ♪" "♪ Girl, you so insane ♪" "♪ Boy, crazy boys ♪" "♪ Such a crazy boy, crazy boys ♪" "♪ So crazy boy, crazy boys ♪" "♪ Such a crazy boy ♪" "Hey, little dude." "Hi." "I'm MF Bob." "I'd shake your hand, let's hold the bacon." "Bob?" "Yeah, mother fucking Bob." "Oh." "Oh." "Oh, are you off of betting me?" "No." "You want some bacon?" "Have you seen a cell phone anywhere?" "Phil." "Bro, what happened last night?" "Dude, I have no idea, man." "I can't remember..." "You have an arrow right here." "Yeah, no shit." "I didn't notice." "That looks really bad." "Yeah, dude, I'm not as worried about that as I am about these." "These were in my ass last night, dude." "And I'm talking deep." "I mean, upside down Grand Canyon deep." "Bro, what the fuck are you wearing?" "I couldn't find my clothes anywhere or my phone." "I need that phone." "I got clothes for you, man." "You mean, you don't remember how the fuck you got that on?" "You got to get that checked out." "You're right." "You know what?" "I'm gonna do that after I talk to my buddy Phil in another fucking room." "Yes." "Let's go, man." "But who is Phil?" "I made bacon." "You're MF Bob, aren't you?" "Yeah, it's me." "Oh, fuck, bro." "I had such a great time last night." "Party of the year, straight up, man." "And MF Bob, I'm a fat man." "Who am I kidding?" "I fucking love bacon, bro." "Give me that." "Oh, fuck." "Wait, man." "What time is it?" "I don't know, dude." "It's like fucking 3 o'clock or something." "Oh, fuck that..." "that was open." "3 o'clock, dude, Beth's gonna be here any fucking minute." "Fuck Beth right in her butt, bro." "My virgin ass was fucking tampered with last night, dude, and I didn't hear the burglar alarm go off." "I called Jamie and Beef, they're gonna be here any minute and we're gonna find out what the fuck went down last night, dude." "I already checked all the websites for party fucking evidence." "Nothing, just titties, still cool." "Shit." "Dude, I didn't tell you everything." "Okay, what?" "When I woke up this morning..." "I was in bed naked with Polly." "Oh, damn!" "I told you this would happen, dude." "I told you." "I know pussy." "I don't think I slept with her, man." "All I remember is I was sitting in my dorm room" "and I just started on my homework when I got a incoming call on my computer for Beth." "Hey, baby." "Hey, babe." "I really, really miss you." "Oh, babe." "You know, these long-distance dealios just don't usually work out." "Oh." "Oh, come on, Beth." "You are the one who decided to pack up and leave and go to college when you could have very well just stayed here and finished out community college with me." "I know, babe." "But I've told you I'm committed and... and..." "Are you playing with yourself?" "No, Beth, no." "Absolutely not." "You promised me that you wouldn't play with yourself." "What would Jesus do, Phil?" "I mean, honestly what would he do?" "Open the door!" "One second." "Dude, open the door." "Hold on." "I have to take a shit." "Hold on, okay, princess." "The cafeteria food is destroying me, dude." "It's Dia de Los Diarrhea out here." "Cal, go somewhere else, dude." "You know I can only do in home base." "I don't play away games." "I need to send a package for the Philippines right away." "Beth, just hold on, all right?" "Just..." "I'll be right back." "Jesus!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "I'm sorry about that, babe." "Beth, Beth, listen." "Phil, come on." "There's something that I've been wanting to ask you." "What?" "I was gonna wait until you came home from break." "Oh, shit." "For the warmth of sweet baby mothers, will you please close the door?" "This one is for you, Beth." "Come on, Phil, I really need to go." "Beth, Beth, just wait." "Just one second, okay, all right?" "Oh, it burns." "Beth, my sweet babe, I know it's not much," "but I wanted to show you that I am committed." "Oh, wait one more fart." "Oh, my God, Phil." "Yes, yes, oh, my God!" "Sweet baby Jesus, yes!" "Really, babe?" "Oh." "You know what?" "I'm gonna come up, tomorrow." "I think that we should celebrate together, you know, the special way." "Okay, I got to go, baby." "Sweet dreams." "Oh, dude, call Guinness Book and the Roto-Rooter, bro." "Holy crap, I need a cigarette after that." "Oh, that burns." "And you just interrupted the best video chat with Beth." "Oh, Beth sucks, bro." "Dude, just layoff, man." "She's my girlfriend." "I just proposed to her." "Oh, Jesus." "Yeah." "Dude, we're going to the biggest party tonight." "Get Beth out of your mind." "Where?" "I got us access to the biggest party of the year." "I'm talking college kids, I'm talking alumni together for one night." "I'm talking hookers, guns, fire chops, clowns, MILFs, GILFs." "I'm talking about a campus legend, mother fucking Bob's party, bro." "No way." "Dude, how did you get us into that?" "Because I'm the fucking, man." "Please, please, please take us to the party, Jamie, please." "I already told Phil we're gonna go." "You know they don't let freshman guys and we're gonna look like douches." "Please, Jamie-wan Kenobi, you're our only hope." "Honestly, Cal, you think" "I'm gonna stroll into this party with a string bean and a fat farm animal?" "Please, please, please, please, please..." "Okay, okay, okay, okay." "Woo-hoo!" "Under one condition and you're not gonna like it." "What?" "What?" "You have to bring the bouncer a gram of coke, and mother fucking Bob an eighth of weed." "I don't know where to get weed, coke." "You're gonna go here, bring cash and tell them ping pong girl sent you." "Whatever you do, don't let him talk about baseball to you." "Meet in the quad here at 7:00 with the stuff and then we'll walk over there together." "It's far." "Are you gonna be okay?" "Yes." "Woo-hoo, party time!" "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you." "Oh, my back." "Oh." "Just for you, hotties." "Oh, my God." "He's gonna die." "Hey, out there it's Friday or, as I like to call it, the real hot day." "All right." "Where is the fire, Jewfro?" "Pat down." "Jeez man, it's nice you don't have a girlfriend." "That sucks for you, bro." "What's going on down here?" "You want to die by the time you're 30?" "Eat your fiber." "Wait." "Where's your wiener?" "You're one of them lesbians, huh?" "No wiener." "Turn around." "It just doesn't like you." "Hey, watch the mouth." "All right, you look good back here." "Drop your pants." "What?" "Time to search your asshole." "Oh, I don't think so, dude." "Is he good?" "Yeah, he's good." "Follow me." "Sit down, be quiet and don't speak until you're spoken to." "What?" "Very funny, Tom." "You are so..." "Oh, you two may go." "We were so scared." "Thank you so much." "Get the fuck out!" "Get the fuck out!" "How dare you!" "Oh." "I didn't get to hear about Joseph Smith." "Oh, God." "What's that?" "Oh, no, what is that?" "You're a cop?" "I'm not a cop." "I'm not a cop." "I'm Cal." "He's Cal, Tom." "His name is Cal." "Cal?" "I'm Mr. Tom." "Hi." "This is my beautiful wife Cherry Lu Rou" "and this is my place." "I bought it, so she'd stop dancing." "And behind you is monkey boy." "That's monkey boy." "We feed him cocaine and bananas." "That's his diet, man." "I won him in a very dangerous game," "Of Huila in Colombia and he doesn't speak English." "I speak English." "See, look at that..." "Ping pong girl sent me here." "Oh, ping pong girl." "We love ping pong girl." "We love ping pong girl." "Hal, are you my friend?" "What?" "He wants to know if you're his friend." "Yes, I'm your friend, Mr. Tom." "Good." "I love friends." "You want a drink?" "You want to talk about baseball?" "Let's talk about baseball." "No, I just need to get, um..." "I just need to get an eighth of coke and a gram of weed or an ounce of weed or an eighth of coke..." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa." "I don't remember what I need right now." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "You're freaking me out, man." "Are you getting nervous?" "Hold on." "I'm not nervous." "When you get nervous, I get nervous and I don't like to get nervous." "I'm not nervous." "Prove you're not a cop." "I'm not." "Okay, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Bring, bring, bring, bring me the mirror." "Ow right here." "No, no, no, no, no, no." "Let's do it." "We are going to do cocaine." "Yeah." "Put it right here, put it right here." "I don't think so." "I don't think so, I've never done it before." "Oh, fuck, I'm wearing wearing flip flops." "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Oh my God, please no, please no, please no." "I really shouldn't do this." "I really don't feel like I should do this." "I don't feel like..." "You're gonna like it." "You're gonna do it." "You're gonna love it." "You're gonna love it." "You're gonna love it." "Do it, do it, do it." "I got to leave right after this." "Oh!" "You did it!" "Oh, my God, you're my friend." "You're my friend." "My friend!" "Bring the bouncer a gram of coke, and mother fucking Bob an eighth of weed." "Guys, can I just get my drugs just so I can..." "I got to be somewhere." "Get him the drugs." "Get him the drugs." "Where do you have to be?" "It's just a college party, MF Bob's." "Oh!" "I'm going to MF Bob's house tonight." "Party, there's a party there." "I'm meeting a client there tonight." "Well, I want to go to that party, Tom." "It's crazy." "He's like a..." "Oh, drugs, here they are, my friend." "Here you go." "That's $600, pal." "$600?" "600 bucks?" "I only have..." "I don't have 600 bucks." "I only..." "I didn't know drugs were expensive." "Come on, give me the money." "I want to go to the party, Tom." "All right, come on." "I only have $100." "Are you kidding me?" "He works for me." "He was over here, he make you drugs and he came back." "I pay him for that." "Shit." "I said I want to go to the party, Tom." "I want to go to the party." "I have an idea." "Give me the $100." "Give me this." "You keep that, all right?" "Here, honey, you can have that." "Here's what you're gonna do." "You're gonna sit right there and you're gonna take her to the party, but you're gonna wait till she gets dressed." "Okay?" "You happy?" "Yes." "I love you." "Okay, good." "You watch her and keep your eyes out for a Mexican name Cheeba." "He's coming in from Ridge Crest tonight." "I'm gonna meet him there later." "Yeah, sure." "Okay, good." "I'm gonna say something to you and I want you to listen." "If anyone touches, if anyone touches her," "I'm going to take clippers and I am going to cut off your testicles and I'll feed them to you." "If she gets a splinter- anything, you know what I'm gonna do?" "I will cut your throat open and then I'm going to pee in your eyeballs." "And then I'm going to open your neck," "I am going to take a shit inside your fucking neck and I will fuck your neck." "I will shit rape your fucking neck!" "Do you understand that?" "Yes, Mr. Tom." "Oh, sorry, God." "It's the cocaine, man." "I'm sorry." "I was out of my mind, that's all." "I meant it, but it was out of line." "You're my friend." "I love this guy." "I love you, Cal." "You're my friend." "I can't believe we're fucking babysitting a drug dealer's wife." "I mean, haven't you seen, I don't know, Scarface, Pulp Fiction?" "This shit always ends badly." "Look at her, man." "Dude, these are movies, bro." "I'm talking about real life." "In real life Mr. Tom is a fucking psycho, dude." "He's psychotic." "His name is probably not Mr. Tom." "It's probably Keyser Soze." "You know, fuck it, we're going to the party, fuck it." "Yeah, man, okay." "As long as we stay out of trouble and I promised Beth," "I'd stay out of trouble." "Dude, fuck that." "I can't believe you're nuts are the size of freaking beach balls of the baby battery you got backed up in there." "You try saying that again." "I don't know what that means, man, but Beth is my fiancée, all right." "We're getting married." "Yeah, you're way too the fuck young to get married, bro." "Like, way too fucking young." "Yo, what's up, shark stain?" "Oh, my God." "Hi!" "I've missed you so much." "Cherry, what are you doing here?" "Well, Jew-baka over here was nice enough to invite me to the party." "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh." "We're actually just talking about marriage." "Oh, my God." "I think you guys will make such a cute couple." "Like, I'm voting yes on gay marriage, so you faggots can like..." "No." "This dipshit is getting engaged." "He hasn't farted in front of his girlfriend yet." "Dude, what does that have to do with anything, man?" "You haven't farted in front of your girlfriend." "You can't take your relationship to the next level, dude." "Yeah, I mean, like, Tom and I are so close that only has he farted in front of me, like, I've seen him shit down some guy's neck." "We should probably get going, right?" "Yeah, it's like a 20 minute walk to the party, so... 20 minutes away?" "Oh, my God, Cal, you can sit down and rest on the way." "Come on, dude." "Let's go fuck this pig." "I'm like already tired." "Scribble dibble, it's Meester live from mother fucking Bob's." "We're looking for Jamie." "Oh, hey, Jamie, there she is." "Jamie!" "Oh, I'll be right back." "Dude, are we Eskimo brothers?" "Yeah, man." "Come on in, bro." "Good to see you." "Yo, lo..." "Where the fuck you think you guys are going?" "Yo, we're with Jamie, bro." "Dude, who the fuck is Jamie?" "She... she was right here." "Hey, man, you better check yourself before you biggety wreck yourself." "What the fuck did you just say?" "Nothing, dude, I'm just kidding." "Damn straight, man, and I'm gonna have to kick your fucking ass." "Do you have to?" "Yeah, I have to." "Here's the thing." "If you let one fatty freshman fuck with you the shit's gonna go on all year." "It's a matter of principle, man." "Dude, I'm not really fat." "Yeah, and my dick isn't 2 inches long." "Thanks God." "So you see, dude, it's out of my hands, bro." "Hey, hey, hey, I didn't know you were gonna be here." "Yeah, these two limp dicks are my friends." "They're cool, right." "Shit, fellas, why didn't you say you're with her?" "I told you we're with Jamie, bro." "Dude, who the fuck is Jamie?" "Oh." "You two try not to get your asses kicked." "Cherry, come with me." "Bye, boys." "But, Cherry, I need to be watching you." "You got 1000 bucks to make me wait?" "No." "Then see you inside, suckers." "Yo, you two aren't going anywhere." "No freshman, boys." "Hey, King Kong cock." "What about that girl?" "Dude, the lady show their titties, man." "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "Hong Kong." "Dude, a clown?" "Dude, it's a party." "Who doesn't like clowns?" "Dude, the world's most interesting man, really?" "Dude, that's the school principal." "Dean." "I don't give a shit what his name is." "Whoa, step back." "Get the fuck back." "Dude, you let those guys in?" "Dude, that's the gay mafia, dude." "The gay fucking mafia." "Oh, you got that stuff?" "Oh, damn, oh, dude, I got something for you." "Yeah?" "Te-tee." "Oh, shizites." "Well, I'll tell you what, you're in, but your boyfriend stays outside." "What?" "Come on, dude." "Yeah." "Dude, Eskimo brothers." "Oh, dude, you guys had sex with Jamie?" "Yeah, dude, that's makes us Eskimo brothers." "You know, guys that had sex with the same girl, dude." "Eskimo brothers are even tighter than frat bros, man." "You're good." "Oh, Eskimo." "Get in, man, get in." "Oh, oh, oh." "Dude, dude, you didn't tell me you had sex with Jamie." "Oh, I didn't, bro." "But you just told everyone that you did." "Yeah, it's called saving your ass." "Right, but no one's gonna think that you actually had sex with Jamie." "Oh, you mean, people are gonna think" "I've had more sex than I've actually have." "But, dude, now these people are gonna actually think that you slept with her and, you know, she might find out and feel..." "Dude, talk to me after you've actually finger banged a girl, right?" "We're at the best party of the year and I've only got two things to do." "One, take care of Cherry." "Two, make sure we get laid." "Oh, my God, I see titties." "Later." "Here, let me fill that for you." "What?" "Unbelievable." "Um..." "It's okay, I don't bite." "Hi, I'm Phil." "Loosen up, Phil." "Sorry." "Oh, God, you probably think I'm..." "A nervous freshman who probably doesn't know anybody here." "Yeah, actually." "Let me be the first to officially welcome you to the campus party scene." "Well, thank you." "You know, I..." "I didn't really think there'd be anyone so cool to talk to." "Hey, do either one of you want to buy a white elephant tusk for really cheap?" "Either one of you, white elephant tusk." "No, nothing?" "White elephant tusk." "Hey, would you maybe, I don't know, want to head into the kitchen and talk for a little bit?" "Bro, what are you still doing here?" "It's like boob fest 3000 out there and I lost Cherry." "If I don't find her, I'm gonna get shit on and raped." "Shit raped, man." "Dude, I'm kind of right in the middle of talking to Polly here." "Dude, I need you now." "Okay, 5 minutes, in the kitchen?" "I'll be waiting." "Dude, that was Polly fucking Wallace." "I'm not saying that just to emphasize a point." "Her nickname is fucking." "Polly fucking Wallace, bro." "You're getting laid tonight." "Well, what are you talking about, man?" "I'm not trying to get laid here." "That's what you think, dude." "She's a sure thing." "Watch." "Bro, dude, I just have one question." "Who here is in my Eskimo network?" "Who's had sex with Polly Wallace?" "Yeah, I did." "Absolutely." "Dude, even the Dean's rocked it." "You're getting laid." "Dude, seriously, all we're doing is talking." "No way, bro, she's cock crazy." "She gonna get you drunk and ride you like a rodeo, brother." "Whoo!" "Now we go to go find Cherry." "Uh, but before that I am going to stick my penis in that nice little girl walking by." "Phil, Cal, what's up, guys?" "Hey, what's up, Hensen?" "Fuck off, Hensen." "We can't be seen with you here." "You're a funny guy." "See you later." "Dude, that was for the best." "Fucking Hensen is a loser, bro." "When chicks see him they get dry." "Now come on, go fucking drain your nuts." "Dude, for the last time, I'm not gonna fuck Polly." "You need to fuck Polly Wallace." "Go do some talking with your dick, don't be a fag." "What did you say?" "Yeah, what did you say?" "Yeah, what did you say?" "Uh, I was just talking to my buddy Phil here, ot you ga... guys." "You think it's okay to say fag?" "You better not have been talking to me." "Look, he didn't mean anything by it." "What exactly did he mean?" "Yeah, what did he mean?" "It's just a term of endearment." "Like when black people call each other the "N" word" "And just what "N" word would that be?" "Oh, yes, say it." "I think he's saying that they're gay." "Yes." "We're gay." "We're gay, gay, gay, gay." "You're gay, honey?" "You don't look gay." "I've been gay since '98." "Yeah, trust me, he's gay." "He's, like..." "like my girlfriend and I'm the, you know, like, the boyfriend." "Tweet-tweet." "Really?" "Uh-huh." "Then kiss him." "What?" "Well, yeah, kiss him, kiss him." "Yeah, do that." "What?" "Fuck, no way." "Look, we... we don't do that in public, you know." "I just had garlic, man." "Yeah." "Kiss him!" "Kiss him!" "Okay, yeah." "Oh, isn't that sweet?" "Works for me." "Oh!" "I told you faggots, you made a cute couple." "I love homosexuals." "Dude, that was really scary, man." "You put your tongue in my mouth, dude." "Dude, what the hell was I supposed to do?" "It was the gay mafia." "It had to look realistic." "You'll clean my life out." "Hey." "Hey." "I've been waiting for you." "You okay?" "Yeah, no, I'm fine." "It's just I think I pounded that last drink a little bit too quickly." "I could really stand to get something in me right now, actually." "Oh, my God." "I would love to get a little something in me, too." "You know what sounds really, really good?" "Um, what's that?" "Bacon." "I love bacon." "After that everything pretty much went black." "I mean, that's all I really remember." "Yeah, that's mostly right, but I remember it more like this." "No, dude, I'm gonna stop you right there 'cause that is not how shit went down." "Fine." "Dude, I remember as much as you remember." "I mean, someone slipped something in our drinks or some shit." "Well, dude, we got to figure it out, all right, because Beth's gonna be here any minute and I need to know if I slept with Polly or not." "We know what happened, dude." "You laid the lumber." "I don't think so, man." "I think I'd remember sex." "We got dosed, man." "I don't even know where Cherry is." "I'm probably moments away from getting shit raped and murdered by Mr. Tom." "I just..." "I need to know what happened last night for sure." "Oh, I get it, dude." "You don't want to give her the syphilo, the syphilitis." "No." "Yo, Cal!" "Yo, Eskimo." "Uh, yo." "Yo." "Hey, I heard you needed some help, man." "I brought Georgia here." "She's got like a pornographic memory." "Photographic memory and there's no such thing." "See, pretty and smart, huh." "Yeah, she is hot." "Hey, have you guys seen a phone?" "No." "Jesus, what happened to your shoulder?" "Look, don't worry about my shoulder, George." "Okay, here's the fucking scoop." "Phil, his girlfriend's coming." "He woke up naked with no clothes in bed with Polly fucking Wallace." "Dude, you need a shot." "How is your dick?" "A little bit of itching, a little burning?" "Can I see it?" "No." "No, ma'am." "I don't feel comfortable discussing my penis with someone I just met." "I told you, bro, you don't need an expert." "You're already scratch-a-thon." "Dude, I don't need to scratch." "It's just 'cause you keep putting that in my head." "Let's just get back to what happened, all right." "Do you have any idea?" "Oh, man, I don't remember much because I was pretty trashed, but here's what I remember." "It was me at the door and wall to wall bitches, every single one of them." "I love you, Beef." "Well, a lot of ladies do." "Just go ahead and wait inside and stand in line with the rest of them." "I'd wait all night if I had to." "I'm sure you would." "You sexy beast." "Yo, you two can't come in." "Oh." "Sorry, these two ass monkeys are with me." "Hey, who is that hottie?" "Oh, thanks, handsome." "Bye, boys." "But I thought she was..." "What?" "You thought she was with you?" "Well, you know, once, like, a long time ago." "No, dude, it just means that you're in my Eskimo network, you know, two guys that are banging the same girl, man." "It's all good." "Yeah, dude." "Whoo!" "Glenn." "Glenn." "He tastes like beef jerky." "I do." "Glenn." "What?" "Wait, I love you." "I love you." "Okay." "Glenn, come here, man." "Hmm?" "Bye." "Who's that?" "I don't know who that was." "Oh, man." "Well, dude, you up for a game of assketball?" "You know it, brosef." "Hells yeah." "Hey, Derek." "Yo." "Come watch the door, man, I'll be back in ten." "Oh, yeah." "Pussy central." "You're cute." "And you're just the right amount of drunk." "Hey, Glenn, give those MMs, man." "Hey, I got this for you." "What?" "Just drink it." "I bet Meester here can chug the whole thing in under 5 seconds." "Don't make me pay him." "Chug it, Beef." "Oh, wow." "Hope you got that for your stupid movie." "I did." "Oh, my God." "You have such amazing eyes." "My tits are down here, asshole." "Mother..." "Hey, babe, it's me." "So I got the wedding colors picked out already." "I think I'm gonna pick lavender and white because, you know, those are my favorite colors." "Let me know what you think." "Bye." "Hey, man, what's up, Beef?" "Hey, give us some of that candy, man." "I can't, man, I got to use it for something." "Use it?" "What the fuck?" "Hey, man, share some of that candy." "Dude, this isn't Casablanca babes," "Stop bogartin' the goddamn candy and pass it out, man." "Hey, you want to get high?" "Hell, man, there's a priest molesting little boys, hell yeah!" "Hey, give them some candy." "Yeah, candy." "You know about stereotypes?" "You know how that black guys only like that white chicks?" "What if black guys don't really like fat white chicks but they like frozen Snickers bars, and fat white chicks always has frozen Snickers bars?" "That shit is racist, man." "Hey, man, you're fucking racist, mother fucker." "Hey, Jamal, what did you get on your SATs?" "I don't know, man, barbeque sauce." "Oh, there she is." "Fuck you asshole face." "And I want my abortion money tonight." "Yeah, asshole face." "Yo, man, I never went inside her, man." "I went in her eyes." "She probably didn't see that coming." "What happened?" "Hey, man, who listens to music in a party, dude?" "Hey, man, give me more candy." "I can't, man, I need it for something, man." "Come on, Glenn, let's get out of here and get that little pudwacker." "Thanks for the weed, guys." "All right stereotypical white dude." "Hold on, man, hold on, hold on." "All jokes aside, man, where the fuck is our bong?" "Oh, shit, where is our bong, man?" "It disappeared." "Do you guys want to buy this bong for $50?" "Oh, yeah, yeah, we'll buy it, ma'am." "Awesome." "I got $60 right here." "Good." "Thank you." "Can I get my change please?" "I don't do change." "I'm so sorry." "It's just like our old one." "Oh, my God, Tiffany." "My name is not Tiffany." "It's Cherry, you bitch." "Oh!" "Look at your face." "Die, dog, die." "I think it's broken." "This is a decimal right here." "Hey, Phil, it's me again." "So I was thinking we should go out to a really nice restaurant tomorrow and I think it'll be really cool if you propose to me again in front of everyone." "Doesn't that sound awesome?" "Okay, call me back, babe." "So my doctor strongly advised that I should get my penis reduction sooner, rather than later." "Yeah." "What's your name?" "Pilar." "Pilar, I'm Cal." "Hi." "Guess what?" "We should really get you out of these wet clothes." "You know what, I bet your dad was a thief because he stole the stars in the skies and put them in your eyes." "My daddy was shot and killed while stealing from a jewelry store, you asshole." "What the..." "Is everyone okay up there?" "Yeah, but you shot a dog." "Oh, it's not my first." "Is it still alive?" "Yeah, it's still moving." "How about now?" "Yeah, that did it, it's dead." "Just put the bottle down, man." "Hey, why don't we go do a tarot reading." "I'll charge you, but..." "Do you know how degrading it is to come to a party where you're hired as a clown and find your ex girlfriend" "here with someone?" "You cheated on me multiple times with the moms from your birthday party gigs." "You back off, man." "Oh, my God." "My hero." "I am gonna take such good care of you." "Rawr!" "Now somebody get that clown the hell out of here." "So that was weird." "I thought it was pretty cool what he did." "Well, I mean, I totally could have kicked that clown's ass, but, you know," "Phil had the sitch under control." "Mm." "My sorority sisters are waiting for me upstairs, let's go." "Oh, hell yeah." "I really want to screw that guy." "Me too." "Okay, well, your lifeline is very short, but there's nothing I can really do about that, all right?" "Do you have any other questions?" "Um, what about my love life?" "Your love life?" "Okay." "Well, I hate to tell you this, but your boyfriend is fucking everybody." "Everybody, he fucks everything with vagina." "I know." "It's terrible." "Are you kidding me?" "He's supposed to be at bible study." "Bible study?" "No." "He is not at bible study." "No, no." "You know what I would do if I were you?" "I would find the ugliest, most repulsive looking person at this party and screw him." "Thank you." "I will." "Is this marijuana you're smoking?" "Is this marijuana, you're... yes." "Why?" "I'm not comfortable with you smoking drugs around us." "Okay, come here." "Closer." "Say please." "Please." "All right, why don't we all move on to the Ouija board?" "Okay?" "This is not what I was expecting." "Oh!" "Ooh." "Rusty coke pipes, that means it's time to switch to heroin everybody." "Take over." "I'm gonna go find a bathroom." "Jamie, hi." "Hello, Jamie." "So Cherry's got you guys playing with the dark hearts, huh?" "We're gonna Ouija." "Actually I have a question." "Um, will I have sex with Elaine?" "Yes, I will." "You did that, totally." "No, no, that wasn't me." "Um, here let me try again." "Will I have sex with Marilyn?" "Yes, I will." "You did that." "No, I swear it wasn't me." "Will I have sex with Jamie?" "No." "Will I have a threesome with Elaine and Marilyn?" "Yes, I will." "Wow." "Oh, my God, I think it actually moved that time." "You guys know that whatever the Ouija board says you have to do, no matter how freaky or kinky or gross," "you have to do it." "It's like a thing, like a law." "It's true." "Oh, my God, really?" "Yeah." "I guess we have to do it then." "Sounds like we should get a room." "Mm." "Let's go." "All right, I'm gonna find us a room." "Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex." "Do you know, my boyfriend thinks that he is the only one whom he gets to play." "Well, I'll show him." "Yes!" "Oh, I can't believe this is actually happening." "No, it sure is, Peter!" "It's Cal." "Ow." "Oh!" "This isn't working." "Move over." "Yes." "Get up you fat phone!" "Right, so wiggle a little so I can pull your pants off." "Oh, shit." "Red alert!" "Red alert!" "Oh, shit." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "Let me get a condom and a towel, we'll try over again." "Oh, fuck." "Please give me a condom." "There's a drunk chick in there." "I'm going to testify that she was sober." "Dude, I don't use condoms, man." "Go, go check the bathroom." "Okay, okay." "Uh, I will find us a room, let's go." "Oh, this so works." "Hold on." "Oh, bro." "Ladies, hold on." "Dude." "Hey, what the fuck?" "I was taking a shit, man." "Come on." "Who shits with the door open?" "Okay, ladies, hold on, hold on." "Oh, my God I swear I will find us a room." "I will." "Please I need you you in there like fucking stat." "Oh, wait." "Come on, get in here." "What?" "Where?" "What?" "Oh, dude, thanks for sharing, man." "Sharing?" "Don't you know who the fuck this is?" "This is Mr. Tom's wife." "Oh, fuck, dude." "I don't want anything to do with this shit, man." "It's too late, bro." "I'm supposed to be watching her." "Mr. Tom's gonna be here any minute." "If she dies, I die and then bonus, I get shit raped." "Oh, fuck you, dude." "You keep this bitch alive." "If I see Mr. Tom I'll distract him." "Fake ass Eskimo brother." "Fuck." "Oh, man." "Goddamn it." "Mr. B is on move." "What?" "Later with that." "Oh, my God, you're Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell." "Well, actually my name is Dennis Haskins but I did play Mr. Belding." "Yeah, I know, I know." "You're like my hero." "I got this." "I need some advice." "Okay, shoot." "All right." "I'm really drunk right now and inside the bathroom is a drug dealer's wife." "Mr. Tom's wife is in there." "She may have overdosed and she may be dead." "What do I do?" "You got a beeper?" "No." "Rotary dial phone?" "No." "VCR, VHS, maybe a floppy disk, eight track." "Zack phone, pencil, paper clip." "Help me out here." "No, this isn't the '90s, bro." "I don't have any of that stuff." "Well, looks like you're in quite a predicament and I'm not gonna be able to help you." "But, you know what though?" "I suggest that you drink this really fast and then pass out." "Yeah." "Uh." "Thanks, Mr. Belding..." "I mean, Dennis." "And... that's all I remember." "Dude, Mr. Belding was not there." "No, Mr. Belding, no Zack Morris, o Jessy Spano, bro." "Dude, that's all I remember, man, except waking up next to this angel." "You know, I prefer Tinkerbell, baby." "All right, guys, listen." "Me, Polly, no memory." "Girlfriend coming to town." "Can we please just stay on track?" "♪ Hey-ho, pick up your phone ♪" "Oh." "Dude, Brah Man." "What's up, dude?" "Hey, dude, I'm here with Cal and Phil, man." "You remember Mexican Jonah Hill and Neil Patrick Harris?" "No, dude, he looks like walking HIV, dude." "I was thinking, man..." "Man, he's either in the movie Philadelphia or we need to go to the hospital right now, you know." "Yeah, dude, you remember me, right, Brah Man." "I'm the one you kept calling Chia Pet." "Wait, no, you're the one that looks like a gigantic frijole with an afro bro, right?" "Well, that's me." "Holy fucking shit." "Oh, man, I totally remember those guys, man." "We were at the party, dude and it's like... it was a complete tit fest, dude, and we were getting high..." "And these extreme astrophysical effects can lead to short bursts of fusion and that's my first lesson in fusion science." "Oh, my God." "You are the smartest man ever." "Thank you." "And the sexiest." "Yeah, I am." "Hey, you're my greatest customer ever." "I never do this." "But here's a rebate check for $20,000 and I also want to give you these beautiful ladies." "Oh, my God." "Brah Man, you're the coolest man in our solar system." "Yeah, Brah Man, you're beautiful inside and out." "I sure am." "Yes, um, that's all I remember, man." "Dude, that is not how anything happened." "Are you fucking kidding me?" "This guy probably can't even drive straight." "Fuck you, man, I'm not an idiot." "I'm Asian, dude." "I'm smarter than you, man." "Fuck you and your fucking lumber cut Beatle's haircut." "Hey, man, fuck you, you walking big brown piece of shit, man." "I know Yakuza, bro." "Oh, shit." "Mother fucker, fuck." "Talk to me like that..." "Well, it sounds like you're fucked." "Or at least you were last night." "Get thee to a healer before the burning starts, man." "Jamie." "Meester, cute outfit." "Oh, scribble dibble." "You guys see a video camera?" "I can't find it." "No, I haven't seen it but have you seen a phone by chance?" "You shit stains, I told you to stay out of trouble." "One party and you need your momma to come here and wipe your asses?" "Me-me-me!" "Jamie, just please tell us what happened." "Okay." "I'll tell you what happened." "First your daddy forgot to pull out." "Then he dropped in your fucking head a couple of times." "And then he forgot to teach you how to man up and drink a beer." "And now I have to come here and clean up this entire mess." "So Phil's girlfriend will leave everyone on campus the fuck alone." "Oh, Beth, is she here?" "Apparently, she's already torn up the entire dorms looking for you." "Now I'm fucked." "Fucked." "What's the problem?" "Well, according to Beef over there," "Phil stuck his dick in a VD cocktail last night." "Beef?" "Beef?" "Needledick the bug fucker was completely fucking trash last night." "Hey, so were you." "I was with Meester all night and we were only half trashed." "So together we can totally piece together the real deal." "It's true." "So, Helen Keller." "Need a braille book?" "What the fuck happened?" "Yeah!" "This is how shit went down." "I showed up at the party looking insanely gorgeous." "I mean, seriously amazing." "Jamie, Jamie." "You two pricks wait here for one second." "Did you get the stuff?" "Yeah, sure." "Not that, you fuck, with the money." "Oh." "Yeah, yeah, sure thing, yeah." "Oh, we're with Jamie, bro." "Pricks." "I'll be right back." "Okay, see you inside." "Okay." "Beef, they're my friends." "Oh, Jamie, these guys are with you?" "I didn't know that." "Of course, they're welcome." "Of course, they're welcome." "You're the best." "Aww." "You guys try not to get your asses kicked, just try." "I thought you knew we were with Jamie." "Ow!" "Jamie." "Hey." "Be sure that door is locked." "If somebody walks in, the price doubles." "Okay." "Locked." "Oh, my God." "Wow." "Ladies and gentlemen..." "who am I kidding?" "The only people watching this are frat guys." "All right, let's get it moving, Seacrest." "You've seen the rest, now check out the best." "The most insane thing you've ever seen in your life." "Okay, are you ready, we're rolling?" "Yeah, we're rolling." "All right, perfect." "Bring me a beer." "All right." "Meester." "Oh, ho, ho, ho." "Holy shit, I had no idea." "I just thought you wanted more beer." "Oh, give me a hug, girl, this is amazing." "Hold on a sec, cowboy, o hugging till the talent gets her pants on." "Oh, you know I'm gay, right?" "Yeah, I just didn't want you to get all perioded on." "All right." "Oh, my there's some of your junk in the cup." "Oh." "Oh, my God." "Let's go a two-fer on the YouTube delights for tonight." "Yeah." "Let's go." "Come on." "Okay, so let's see who we can get to drink the menses?" "Who the fuck calls it menses?" "It's called..." "Oh, shit." "There he is." "I'm gonna teach this jizz-bucket to tell people he fucked me." "What?" "Hey, I got you this." "What?" "I was playing beer pong and I won and I wanted you to drink it." "I wasn't even in the game." "I told you he'd be too chicken shit just to drink one beer." "Show you." "Oh, oh-ho, this shot." "Wet balls in the face." "Yeah, well, you got that for your stupid video." "Oh, we did." "It so worked." "Oh, my God, I just cut this girl's hair off." "Nobody's phone?" "It's a pretty crazy night, huh?" "Yeah, right." "Um, I should probably, like, go find Cherry before she shoots somebody or something crazy like that." "I've known Cherry a long time." "She'll be okay." "You know, I want to tell you something." "This is like the coolest night of my life." "No, you're actually a pretty cool guy when you're not running around trying impress everybody." "Or make everybody think you're a stud." "Oh, my God." "Come here, you have to see this." "Okay." "Phew!" "Phil, every single time you don't pick up the phone that's another year that you're waiting to have sex." "Are you prepared to wait that long?" "Because it's been about 20 calls now." "Better call me back, sweet cheeks." "Ugh!" "Please have sex with me." "Um, have you seen us?" "Yeah, we wouldn't let you videotape us making out." "Okay, what about..." "what about..." "Let me just see one nipple." "Can I suck your elbow skin with my eyes closed?" "It'll feel the same." "Okay, can I feel your foot?" "Um, yeah, sure." "Oh!" "Oh..." "Yo, anybody know a bitch named Beth?" "Philip, what the fuck?" "Pick up your phone right now." "I'm so goddamn angry." "Oh!" "Jamie." "Don't forget to pull out there, buddy." "Yeah!" "Hey, look out!" "Jamie." "Hello, Cheeba." "Jamie." "Cheeba." "Jamie." "Where's Mr. Tom?" "I'm right here, Cheeba." "Look what I found which is a fucking crossbow." "Mr. Tom, oh, shit." "Cal, my friend." "Where's my wife?" "She's dead... tired." "She's fine, man." "She was talking about how much she loves you." "You guys are like the best couple." "You're a good man." "How are you, Cheeba?" "I'm good, man." "I see you still got monkey boy." "I do." "Hi, Cheeba." "You didn't teach him English?" "Who has time to teach English, right?" "You got my stuff?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "You got my money?" "Yes." "I'd like to see the stuff first." "Eh." "I want to see the money." "Where the fuck am I?" "Tom..." "Ah!" "I'm dead for a minute and now I'm alive." "Hey, Cheeba, why you pointing a gun at Tom?" "No, bad boy." "Cherry, back off." "I will fucking kill you." "Yeah, Mr. Cheeba." "Mr. Tom is my friend." "Put it down or else..." "Or else what?" "Shoot me with a bow and arrow?" "It's a compound crossbow." "I got this, Cal." "No, just put down the crossbow, Cal, the arrow's just gonna piss him off even more." "Drop that gun, Cheeba." "Yeah, Miss Cal's one of us." "He's gay?" "I almost had sex with him." "Cal is gay?" "All right, back up, everybody, right now!" "Put it down, Cheeba!" "I'm in love with her." "You're in love with me?" "Oh, my God, that is so fucking sweet, baby." "He's bisexual?" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "Put it down or I will shot you." "I'll shit rape your body, dude." "On the count of three." "Ooh, shit rape." "One!" "I got this, Cal." "I got this." "Two." "No, no, no, nobody shit raping anybody." "Three." "Come on." "Come on, are we good?" "Are you kidding me?" "Shit rape, really?" "I know." "What the fuck..." "Get over here." "Oh, God." "I'm glad you didn't shoot me." "I know." "Me too, right?" "And fucking Dean." "Hey, bro." "I left you at the Statue of Liberty, man." "How did you get down here?" "I used a balloon." "Did you?" "I fucking love you, bitch." "Fucking love you too, bitch." "Hey, are we good?" "Yeah, we're good." "This, it's filled with appletini." "Hey, you guys, who here wants to be my fan?" "You want to go make out sometime?" "Sure." "Then Cal, you tried to kiss me and then you passed out." "So I made sure you weren't bleeding and then I went home." "I can't believe it." "I'm just so embarrassed." "Oh." "This shit is wrong." "You made me drink your period." "Scribble dibble." "No, not scribble dibble, man." "What the fuck is scribble dibble?" "Did anyone see my dog?" "Oh, no, bro." "It's weird." "And then I went home to google, to see if there was a way that you could live with an arrow in your shoulder or if we had to put you down." "Well, what did you find out, doctor?" "Well, I found out that all I have to do" "is take it nice and hard and rip it out." "Ow!" "Oh, God." "That smarts." "That was like some American Indian type shit." "Oh..." "That was like one with the earth, like..." "You fucking made me drink your menses." "Seriously, what is with the all this menses talk?" "Is this like a 1950s paper doll sex ed class?" "And, honestly, Beef, you deserve it." "That's what you get for telling everybody that we fucked." "Okay, so somebody Scooby-doo me." "Who the hell fricking juiced us?" "It was Cherry." "She said she doesn't like to be baby-sat." "Listen, guys, we're getting off point here, all right." "We've figured out everything except for whether or not" "I slept with Polly." "So what... what are you..." "what are you worried about?" "I don't know how to find out whether or not" "I actually slept with her, okay." "And I need to figure it out before my girlfriend, soon-to-be fiancé gets here." "You couldn't..." "Why don't you just ask her?" "Uh, uh, I don't know." "That's weird." "You can't just do that, Bob." "You want me to ask her?" "No, no, no, thank you, man." "All right, I respect you." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Polly?" " What are you doing?" " Yeah?" "No, no, no." "Can you come in here?" " Oh, fuck." " Yeah." "Hey... everybody." "What is this, some kind of extended after party?" "Phil here... partied hard last night and he's wondering if he partied hard inside of you." "Phil?" "Polly, I'm sorry, okay." "I just..." "I wanted to know what happened." "Well, first off," "Bob, your dog Molly is dead." "I'm really sorry." "Oh, thank God." "Oh, thank God." "I got to tell you, I mean, she had cancer really bad." "Cancer of her ovaries." "Oh." "I didn't even know dog had ovaries." "Me neither." "So I'm glad she went peacefully." "Well, here's what happened." "We were all standing around the beer pong table in the living room and my ex Dave just showed up..." "Whoa!" "Why, why would you mess with a girl?" "Polly." "Polly, you broke my heart." "We need to talk." "Back off, Clown." "They're with me." "This is between me and her." "Oh, yeah?" "Is everyone okay up there?" "Yeah, but you shot a dog." "Oh, my God." "I love dogs." "Oh, fuck." "Bro, dude, you really whacked the shit out of that guy." "Oh, dude, I didn't mean to." "Can you do me a favor, man?" "Take him back to the dorm and make sure he finds his pants." "Yeah, absolutely." "Hey, Glenn." "Yeah." "He smells amazing, doesn't he?" "Yeah, his face smells like crayons." "You okay, bro?" "Yeah, I'm okay, Hensen, thanks." "Hey, could you do me a favor, man, and make sure they actually get him back to the dorms?" "By the way, I want to introduce you to Rachel." "She is my..." "I'm his new girlfriend." "Oh." "She's a contortionist." "I'm a contortionist." "You want to see me do the puzzle?" "I do." "I do, I do." "Oh, are you okay?" "Oh, I just feel..." "I feel a little, oh." "Oh." "Oh, my gosh." "Okay, come with me." "I'm gonna take care of you, okay?" "Thanks." "Why is it going straight to voicemail, Phil?" "Call me back now." "Look, Dave is an okay guy." "He's just a little confused." "Yeah." "I think we all are." "Yeah, I think you're right." "I'm so..." "I'm sorry." "No." "It's okay." "It's just, you know, I thought you got a girlfriend." "Oh God, Beth." "I'm just..." "I proposed to her and she's coming here tomorrow." "So why aren't you sure?" "It seems like it's the only thing that's really gonna make her happy." "Does it make you happy?" "I don't think it does." "You know, you should never settle in your life, Phil." "Oh, God." "Look, if you ever want to talk about anything, you know..." "Oh!" "Oh." "Oh." "Oh." "You done?" "I think so." "Oh God, I'm devastated." "Oh, God." "Why, because you farted in front of me?" "Hey, look, look, ready?" "See?" "I did it, too, it's no biggie." "Oh, okay, mister." "It's time to get you cleaned up and into bed." "Oh, you are not in good shape." "Okay." "Up, up, up." "All right." "Oh, God." "Bro." "Come on." "Okay, yep." "Oh, God." "All right." "All right." "Oh." "Phil." "Oh, oh, oh, oh." "You know what?" "Why don't we just do it under the covers instead?" "Okay." "Okay." "Thank you." "Kind of gross." "Okay." "Um, listen, I'm gonna be right back, just stay here." "Okay?" "All right." "Philip, you're supposed to be worshiping me." "I'm supposed to be your god." "The only above me is Jesus." "You need to call your future wife back right now." "What the fuck is wrong with you?" "Hey." "Hey." "I've got a shirt, pants and underwear with vomit on them." "You want to help me out?" "You're gonna wash them?" "Yeah." "I don't know where the laundry room is." "You're in it." "Oh, fuck." "I thought that was a robot." "Doesn't it look like a robot?" "A little bit." "All right." "Well, cool." "I'm about to do a load of pukey pants myself." "Thank you." "Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna go to Jupiter." "Oh, what the fuck, man." "It's like fucking skunk shit." "All right, look, I'll see you later." "Oh, I don't know why that's funny." "What the fuck is this, man?" "This is fucking crack." "Fuck!" "I'm gonna be fucking paranoid." "Hi." "Hi." "Listen, your clothes are in the wash, all right?" "They'll be ready in the morning." "Thank you." "What are you doing?" "I'm gonna lay down next to you, so you don't choke on your own vomit in the middle of the night." "Why are you..." "You think I'm gonna let you blow chunks on my clothes, too?" "But, listen, no funny business." "If you try anything," "I'm going to punch you square in the nuts and then I'm not gonna be your friend anymore." "Okay?" "Can you move?" "Okay." "Hey, could you turn off the light?" "That's pretty much what happened." "See, dude, I told you." "I knew I did not have sex." "Okay, you don't have to sound so excited about it." "Well, he was just concerned that he'd get a case of the crotch rot because, you know." "Because of what?" "Oh, you know what the kids call it today, you know, a trollop." "You know, a hussy." "You're a slut." "You know, all the guys on this campus just love to talk about how much sex you've all had." "Guilty, guilty for sure." "Indeed." "Wait, so, Polly, do you mean that..." "No." "Not that it's any of your goddamn business, but no I haven't had sex with anyone on this campus." "A couple of years ago, I went off to a band camp" "and this guy there liked me, but this girl liked him." "So she started a rumor saying that I was a big old slut." "Polly is the cleanest chick on campus, spick and span." "You can eat off her vagina." "Thank you, Bob." "Polly, I'm sorry." "Um... listen, I..." "Oh, I'll get it." "I'll get it." "I need to ask you if, I don't know, maybe we can start over." "Oh-ew!" "Oh." "I've been looking all over for you." "Beth." "You?" "You?" "Polly fucking Wallace." "Bitch-breath backdoor Beth." "Oh, wait a second." "You two know each other?" "I cannot believe, Phil, that your girlfriend is backdoor Beth." "Phil, she just doesn't want us to be here, let's go." "This is the bitch from band camp." "We all called her backdoor Beth." "You want to know why?" "Why?" "She didn't even wait for orientation to end before her backend was open for business." "No, I said in my butt only." "What's up?" "Oh, yeah, keep going." "Oh, it's my first time in the butt with a black guy." "It's great." "Excuse me, hold on." "Do you need something?" "Hurry up, bro." "Polly, what the fuck." "You never knock, you dumb bitch." "Your friend gonna join us?" "No." "Get the fuck out." "What's wrong with you?" "I said leave." "So were you like born with a penis?" "No, it's just a really big clit." "You get the fuck out!" "Was crazy." "That summer she had more dongs in her ass than a Chinese phonebook." "Oh." "Oh, damn." "It was just one summer and technically I'm still a virgin." "I mean, I saved my front end engines just for you." "I call foul there." "Shut up, Cal!" "Nobody asked you." "Beth, we were together when you left for band camp." "Let's, um, let's just get out of here and go talk about of it, shall we?" "I don't care how many guys you've had in your butt." "You don't?" "You don't?" "He may not, but Jesus does, Beth." "No, I don't, because I've realized something." "I know what I want now." "And it's not you." "What?" "If I were to stay with you, then I'd just be settling and I don't want to settle." "But, Phil..." "No, Beth, I'm sorry but no." "But look, no hard feelings, okay?" "Let's try and stay friends, okay?" "And actually I know how much you love sweets, so I got you some special chocolates." "Do you have those special chocolates I got for Beth?" "Yeah, yeah, they're right here." "You know how much you like sweets, babe." "And I had these special chocolates imported just for you." "So why don't you just head back home and we'll just talk when we talk." "Okay?" "Um, well..." "Wow, these are great, thanks." "And this will..." "this will all blow over." "And I'll pray for us." "Okay?" "Bye." "Good-bye, Beth." "Peace be with you, Beth." "Enjoy the wafers." "Bye, Beth." "Oh, dude, that was so instant revenge." "Oh, my God." "She better not get ass cancer from those candies, bro." "Dude, no." "It was petty, it was mean, it was stupid and it felt really fucking good." "Yes!" "I mean this doesn't answer about Phil's nuts." "What about them?" "Well, I mean, if he didn't the hoochie coochie from you then why has he been scratching like there's no tomorrow?" "Last night after we went to bed, we heard gunshots and then Mr. Tom and Cherry came running up into the room and you told Mr. Tom that you guys were BFF for life and started talking to him about baseball." "And then he asked you if you wanted a baseball tattoo on your pubes and you were like, "Fuck, yeah."" "So you have a new tattoo." "It's actually pretty fucking cool." "Well, this is getting a little weird." "Come on, Georgia." "Meester, let's go talk about our friendship." "I've never had a gay friend before." "Yeah, yeah, I don't know if you've official met Georgia." "She's my..." "I'm his girlfriend." "Girlfriend." "Oh, nice Adam's apple." "All right, ass clowns, I'm out of here." "Jamie, wait." "I just want to talk to you for a second." "I feel like a douche because last night in the party" "I told everybody that I loved you." "And I know now that what I should've done is taken you aside like this and told you that you're the first girl" "I've ever really liked." "And ever since I first saw you," "I haven't been able to stop thinking about you." "And I know that you would never feel that way about some... about somebody like me." "Well, first of all, don't tell me how I feel." "And second, why don't you take me out to breakfast so we can talk about it?" "Yes." "Thank you again for taking such good care of me last night." "Hey, it's okay." "I actually kind of liked it." "I really took to heart what you said about not settling." "I don't want to settle." "I want to find someone who loves me for me, someone who respects me, someone..." "someone who doesn't tell me what to do, asks me what to do." "We all do, Phil." "Oh, oh." "Wow." "I think that might have been the greatest kiss of my entire life." "Me too." "Oh." "There you go, man." "Coffee and duds." "Perfect." "That's my finger." "All right." "Sorry." "I need it." "Well, well, Phil, now that we've kissed," "I think it's time for you to meet my dad." "Oh, whoa." "Let's slow down there right, man?" "Phil," "I would like you to meet my father, Bob." "Hey, little guy." "Her nickname is fucking." "Polly fucking Wallace, bro." "As in mother fucking Bob." "His name's probably not Mr. Tom." "It's probably Keyser Soze." "It's just a college party." "MF Bob, just..." "it's like a campus legend." "Let me be the first then to officially welcome you to the campus." "You want some bacon?" "Polly, I'm talking about a campus legend." "Oh, I'm going to MF Bob's house tonight." "I love bacon." "Bob?" "Bob is your dad?" "And this is your house?" "Yes." "Oh, God." "I'm sorry about your mug, sir." "We are family." "He's a good one, daddy." "Oh, I see that, babe." "Hey, Bob." "Uh..." "Cherry has something she wants to say to you, man." "Hey, I'm really sorry I shot your dog." "I got this little guy from the shelter this morning." "He's so cute." "I know." "I'm so sorry." "I love dogs so much." "It's all right." "I know you killed my dog, but she was going to be put down today anyway." "I wasn't going to shoot her." "I would've had her put down professionally with a needle." "But, hey, you saved me in the trouble." "Really?" "Yeah." "So what now?" "What do we do now, is we just see if this little puppy likes bacon." "Who doesn't like bacon?" "♪ Crazy boys, such crazy boys ♪" "♪ Crazy boys, so crazy boys ♪" "♪ Crazy boys, such crazy boys ♪" "♪ Crazy boys ♪" "♪ Such crazy boys, crazy boys ♪" "♪ So crazy boys, so crazy ♪" "♪ Such crazy ♪" "♪ I said, "stop, leave me alone" ♪" "♪ "Cause I ain't got time to put up with the tone ♪" "♪ Too busy dreaming I'm the best ♪" "♪ So sorry, Mr. West, but my video would have won ♪" "♪ If it only did exist Boy, boy you're crazy ♪" "♪ Girl, girl, I know I keep battling your demon ♪" "You okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "All right." "Wait, no, no." "Tell me, what is it?" "Well, there's something in here." "Oh, my God, this is Meester's camera." "No, it isn't." "Yes." "Oh, my God, put it on." "All right, all right, yes." "Oh." "Oh, my God." "So Georgia, you just cut the aorta right here" "and there his heart." "Yeah!" "You see it." "I'm kidding, I'm not actually gonna eat your heart." "I'll put it back." "I'll put it back." "Don't you worry." "Oh!" "I just made another mistake, I'm really sorry." "You see, I told you if you drain it fast, you will pack up." "Yeah." "Cheers, boys." "Now do yours." "Georgia!" "Georgia!" "Come here." "Dog is so cute." "Is everyone okay up there?" "Hey." "Is that Kevin Smith?" "Got me." "I don't know." "Good party though." "Great party." "You know the problem is, Bob's gonna be pissed, because Cherry messed up his whole house." "Really?" "Yeah." "Are you serious?" "Yeah." "Let's get on." "Hey, are you filming us?" "Oh." "Yeah." "Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go." "Now!" "Now!" "Hey, give me the money." "Give me the money." "Give me the money." "Give me the money." "Give me the money." "Oh!" "All right, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it." "Go, go, go, go, go, go." "Oh, my God." "Phil here partied hard last night." "You know how we all party." "He partied hard." "And he's wondering if he partied hard inside of you." "God, I mean, am I ever gonna figure out how I got this freaking wooden arrow in my neck?" "Wait, wait, wait." "Well, how do I know?" "Like when they stand up they look like the letter ten..." "Well, letter ten." " Number ten." " Quiet." "Now what the fuck is the noise about?" "Oh!" "Goddamn it, why is there noise?" "I'm not really that bad." "That's a baby pig," "Oh." "Oh." "That makes me sad." "No, man, because, it's like a little pig and..." "Take two." "He's making me laugh." "I thought you were at the Britney Spear's concert." "How the fuck did you get out of there?" "I was supposed to take her to the vet this morning to put her down." "Now you don't have to." "Yeah, I guess you're right." "I was about..." "I guess it saved me the trip." "She had..." "she had sickle cell anemia." "Ooh." "Yeah, it's weird." "That's rough." "She was a black lab." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, Mexican Jonah Hill and the guy that looks like the dude from the eating out movies." "Okay." "Oh!" "Phil, Carl, what's up, bros?" "Cal..." "How you doing, bro?" "Dude, I left you 50 foot under by that sunken treasure." "How the fuck did you get up without another tank of oxygen?" "Dude, I can hold my breath forever." "No, shit." "Oh, yeah." "Let me practice that right now, goddamn it." "I've just woke up..." "Just say you want to know who you fucked." "Get it out." "He totally put his pig in your blanket." "That's enough." "Polly?" "Why don't you just ask me?" "I would." "I should cut." "I will cut next time, that's your job." "I apologize." "I'll go all the way through." "I'll go all the way through." "I'm so sorry, Dante, I love you." "It's okay." "Fuck, man." "I thought you were doing America's race." "You're in the fucking catamaran." "I thought you were in Tahiti." "Well, hold on." "You think it was anal or vaginal?" "Excuse me?" "It's definitely anal with this guy." "Hey." "Last time I saw you, you were giving Miley Cyrus a buzz cut." "So were you like born with a penis?" "You get the fuck out!" "Fuck." "25 fucking years, I still burn my fucking thumb." "You're gonna..." "you're gonna get." "This is why I like fruit." "I hate this shit." "Bitch, take your lunch break." "Chop, chop, let's go." "What's up, man?" "How you guys been?" "What's up, Hensen?" "Fuck off, Hensen, and my name's Cal for Christ's sake." "Get the fuck out of here." "Was her tail, still connected when she died?" "Because there's people that steal tail, they're called tail thieves, off a dead dog carcass." "Last time I saw you, you were on top of the Arc d'Triumph," "How the fuck did you get..." "Is that, I'm sorry, was that a fuck one or a regular one?" "You can say fuck." "You kill me every time." "Step in, step out." "I don't want to talk to you." "Well, I'm sure you don't, but..." "I don't want to talk to no dog killer." "I know I killed your dog but I feel really bad and that's why I got this dog from the shelter this morning." "It's like a peace offering." "It's not even the same kind of dog." "Look how cute it is." "Don't you want to hold it for a second?" "Yeah, but you made my dog Alpo." "But I feel bad, that's why I'm bringing you this one." "Maybe we should take this one and kill it." "See how you feel." "Whatever you want to do, I don't care." "I'm just trying to be nice." "You disgust us." "What?" "Let's go." "You know what, fuck them, let's go." "You know what, fuck you people." "Fuck you." "Fuck off." "The dog looks like you." "These mother fuckers." "And Daniel here is wondering..." "Phil." "Phil." "Here we go again." "Ten baby rabbits." "Whole family is dying in a fire." "That's hilarious." "Now it's gonna make me laugh." "That's good." "Oh."