"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys." "# She's Mrs Brown" "# That's Mrs Brown" "# Our Mrs Brown... #" "Bitch." "They're not real." "Well, one of them might be." "Hello, I am just looking at some of the models in this." "My God, what they need is a good feed!" "There's not a pick on them." "There's one of them in here that looks like a feckin' X-ray!" "There wouldn't be enough elastic in her knickers to make a pair of garters for a budgie." "If you could call them knickers, two strings with a label." "In my day we wore real knickers ..." "Aertex." "HE CHUCKLES" "Little pin-holes in them." "My husband couldn't look at a teabag, but he wanted to do it!" "Hiya, Mammy." "Hello, honey bunny." "You just missed a call from your boss." "I told him you'd call as soon as you get in." "That bastard." "Why love, what's wrong?" "Next week is Kids Intercontinental Comic Book and Cosmic Charac Festival Week." "You must have shit yourself when saw that in the script!" "Would you like to have another go at it?" "Next week is" "Kids Intercontinental Comic..." "Ah, feckin' hell!" "Now, now, now." "That's bad language for a rabbit." "Ah, da, da, da, da tet-ta." "Next week is" "Kids Intercontinental Comic Book and Cosmic Character Festival Week." "AUDIENCE APPLAUDS" "I love when that comes around every year." "What is it again?" "I'm supposed to be promoting kids' comics, and he wants me as a different superhero every day." "Oh, Dermot, that'll be marvellous." "I'm not doing it!" "Why not?" "The kids will love that." "And I can't think of anyone who'd look better as a superhero than my son." "Mammy, I have to get the bus into town every day dressed like this." "You're lucky, dressed like that, he doesn't make you run in front of a greyhound!" "BARKS LIKE A DOG" "I'm sorry, son." "It's bad enough now, you can imagine the slagging" "At least with those costumes you can put an overcoat on." "You can't with the big ones." "You're right, you know." "I am." "Now, cup of tea?" "No, Ma." "Fine." "Hey, Ma, there's a new shop opened in the main shopping centre." "Just what we need, a new feckin' shop." "It's called Fuller Fashions." "Is it?" "It's nice, I'd say you'd love it." "Would I?" "They do lovely clothes for fat women." "And why would I like that?" "Well, you know, in case you wanted to get something nice for Winnie." "Very good." "That's very good." "You're not suggesting that I would go into such an establishment..." "Bejesus, no, Mammy." "You'd be too skinny for that stuff." "I would, wouldn't I?" "I would be much too feckin' skinny." "It was nearly fucking rabbit season." "Rory and Dino will be home for their break, soon." "Oh, now, the Banger Sisters." "Ha, the Banger Sisters." "That's cos they like the sausages." "Doesn't matter, Mammy." "Hey, Dermot." "Hi, Dermot." "Hey, lads." "I'm here, Mammy." "Do you want a cup of tea?" "No thanks." "No, Mammy, I just came home to drop off my bag." "Well, you're not feckin' leaving him here." "We're heading down to Foley's for a little drink." "Foley's, at this hour?" "Well, it's a kind of a celebration." "Celebrating what?" "Can I tell them?" "Oh, go on then." "There was a big announcement in work today." "What announcement?" "Well, the owner..." "Mr Kavanagh." "Of the salon..." "Wash And Blow." "Announced today that instead of bringing in a new manager, he was going to promote someone from within the shop." "Rory, that's a marvellous opportunity." "I've always said Mr Kavanagh is a very intelligent and generous man." "And Dino is the favourite to get it." "He's a bastard that man, I never liked him." "We'll see now Rory, let's wait and see." "Yeah, well, we can only hope." "You know you're going to get it." "Still, you're right, I suppose, it's not over till the fat lady sings." "Clear your throat there, Mrs Brown!" "Excuse me?" "!" "We better go!" "You skinny, Scottish bastard!" "Right, I'm off, Mammy." "Dermot, son... here, that's for later, don't tell anyone." "Go on, do it for me." "Ah, Ma." "Do it for your mammy, just once, please." "Der-der-der-der-that's all, folks." "And, Dermot, think about the superhero thing," "I think it would be nice." "What's the superhero thing?" "Dermot." "It's Intercontinental Kids Comic and Cosmic Character Week." "It's what?" "DERMOT LAUGHS" "And Dermot doesn't want to be a superhero." "Not wanting to be a superhero may indicate his unwillingness to take on responsibility." "I know where this is coming from, Cathy." "Professor Clown." "It's Clowne." "C-L-O-W-N-E, Clowne, it's Swiss." "C-L-O-W-N-E is clown in any fucking language." "Even in euros." "You're even starting to sound like him." "Cathy, is there something going on there?" "Maybe." "He's asked me out on a date." "I don't think that a professor should be seeing his students." "And I am going." "It's your life, love, you're entitled to fuck it up anyway you like." "Well, excuse me, if I take a pass on your dating advice." "Well, you excuse me." "I'll have you know, missy, in my day I was considered a bit of a catch." "You may not think it now." "Oh no, Mammy." "You're still a fine looking woman." "I know." "I just said that to feckin' be humble." "Even with the extra weight." "I think the place could be cleaner." "What do you think?" "Um-hm." "Yes." "I think if everyone done a little bit of sweeping, even the stylists, if they're not too busy." "The stylists, sweeping, that's interesting." "I think that steriliser should be cleaned more as well." "It's filthy, full of hair." "It's comfy over here." "Yes it is, son, that's why it's my fucking chair." "Thanks, Mrs Brown." "Dermott will be home in a couple of minutes." "In the meantime, everything in this room is counted." "Mrs Brown?" "What?" "I'd love a cream cake." "Yeah, I'd love a holiday in fucking Spain." "Also, I think there's far too many smoke breaks." "But, Rory, you don't smoke." "That's not my fault." "Uh-huh." "You're here, thanks for waiting." "No problemo, Dermo." "Give me a second." "I'm home, Mammy." "I'll inform the press." "How are you, Dino?" "Congratulations on the promotion." "Oh, rub it in, why don't you?" "HE SOBS" "What did I say?" "He didn't get the promotion." "I did!" "I'll see you later..." "Manager." "So, Dermo, what you want me for?" "I wanted to see if you fancied doing Robin next week?" "Yeah." "Where are we robbing?" "Not thieving, robbing, Robin, Robin, like Batman and Robin." "Oh, that Robin." "Who's robbing?" "Me." "You want to give that up, son." "No, Mammy, he's not going to be robbing, he's going to BE Robin." "When?" "In a few days." "But he's not robbing today?" "Obviously." "But he's going to be robbing, and you think that's OK?" "Mammy, you're getting confused." "Dermot, can I explain?" "This should be good." "You see, Mrs Brown, Robin is good, and I'm going to be Robin, so, if I'm Robin, Robin, then there will be no robbing, because Robin, he's not into robbing." "Like Batman and Robin?" "Yeah." "Seriously, you got it from that?" "I thought it was perfectly clear." "It's a job, for a day or two, Buster." "I'll be Batman, you'll be Robin." "OK." "Be here at nine o'clock." "Nine o'clock." "Nine o'clock in the morning?" "Yes." "Right, nine o'clock." "Righty oh, see you later, Mrs Brown." "Don't let the door hit you on the arse on the way out, son." "Well, Superson, would you like a cup of Supertea?" "Love one, ma." "Well, I'll get it for you." "4.50, please, Rory." "Mr Foley, look over my shoulder and tell me if Dino and Barbara are staring at me." "Big-time. 4.50, please." "Bridget McConinghan." "What about her?" "The big C. No she's not." "What?" "She's not a "see you next Tuesday." No, she has the big C." "After 12 kids, Agnes?" "The big C, she has cancer." "Who has?" "Bridget McConinghan." "As well?" "That's unlucky." "Winnie, you know sometimes it's like talking to a feckin' revolving door." "Luckily, she has the kind they can cure." "She got a big fright though." "I'll bet." "Do you check yourself, Agnes?" "Every time I have a bath." "I don't." "I should, but..." "What do you look for?" "Lumps, bumps, any irregularity at all, get it checked by the doctor." "Doesn't matter if it turns out to be nothing, get it feckin' checked." "I suppose." "I'm ready for another drink." "That's funny, so am I. Fine, then." "Betty." "Betty, take a look at me now, take a good look." "Am I fat?" "Well, you could lose a few pounds." "Well, you no fucking Twiggy yourself, with your big hippo arse on you." "Mammy, what Betty is trying to say..." "She said I'm fat." "Well, yes, Mammy, you are." "Well, not fat, but certainly overweight." "Come on, gang up on fat mammy." "What's up?" "Betty, she says I'm fat." "Mrs Brown, everybody puts on a few pounds, now and then." "Sure, Cathy will tell you." "Well, not everybody, but, yeah, Betty's right." "Mammy, maybe you just need to diet a bit to get back in shape?" "But Mammy was always that shape." "Maybe that was because Mammy delivered a big fucking lump like you?" "Dermot, get lost, will you?" "Yes, Dermot, shag off." "Go find yourself a phone box." "Since I had Bono, I've been struggling to lose weight." "Yeah, she has." "Well, not that much." "Well, no, that's because you worked it." "Exactly." "I'm on a diet, if you like I'll give you a copy of it?" "Come on, Ma, you have nothing to lose." "Except a few pounds." "Feck it, I'll try the diet." "I'll try it, even though I see what it did to your skin." "TELEVISION AUDIBLE" "Is she here?" "Who?" "Cathy." "No." "Thank God." "Three days on this diet, it's feckin' killing me." "Oh, Rory, oh, these are gorgeous." "Hiya, Mammy." "Hello, love." "I smell chips." "Ah, Rory, that's very unfair, bringing chips home, when you know Mammy's on a diet." "Yes, Rory, how could you be so inconsiderate?" "!" "You feckin' bastard, me trying to lose a few..." "I'm so sorry." "You know what she's feckin' like." "Here, I wouldn't hurt you for the world, love." "Tea?" "You bastard!" "You dirty..." "Two sugars." "I'm trying to diet..." "I'm sorry, Rory." "I'm so sorry." "Have some yourself." "Go on, help yourself." "I'm sorry." "Would you like some cottage cheese, Mammy?" "No, I'm stuffed with all that feckin' lettuce and cucumber." "I'm home, Mammy." "That's good, love." "Well, hello there, Rory." "Hiya, Dermot." "Are you all right?" "I'm sorry, Dermot, I'm miles away." "Now, son, there's a drop of tea for you." "Thanks, Ma." "Rory, love, do you want a drop of tea?" "No, thanks, Mammy." "Fine." "Dermot, I'm doing a bit of dinner for Rory, you're welcome to join us." "What is it?" "Filet de poisson en croute." "What's that?" "Fuckin' fish fingers." "No, Ma, I'd better not." "Maria's off at eight, we're going to her mammy's house for dinner later." "I'm just saying, if you want to join us there's plenty." "Thanks, Ma." "You're welcome." "Hiya, Dermot." "Hiya, Cathy." "Dermot, I'm going out to do my outside windows." "If I'm not back in 15 minutes, come and get me." "You know what I'm like," "I'll probably be feckin' five houses away." "OK, Ma." "So, what is it?" "What's up?" "Dermot, I hate being the manager." "Dino's not talking to me and all the other stylists are ganging up on me." "Can't be easy, I suppose." "CRASH" "And now there's this!" "Dermot, what do you think they are?" "LSD!" "Jesus, Rory, you're not taking acid, are you?" "No, I'm not." "I found them in work." "So who owns them?" "I don't know." "But as the manager, I have to find out." "What's them?" "Who owns them?" "Rory." "They're mine, Mammy." "What are they for?" "Erm..." "They're something I got for... heartburn." "You'd better take some before your fish fingers." "No, no, no, Mammy, I haven't got heartburn now." "I'll take them later." "I'll put them away safe." "No, Mammy, I'll keep them safe." "Rory, you've a head like a feckin' sieve, you'll forget where you put them." "And with my grandson in and out of the house, I want them safe." "I'll put them away, there's no problem." "If you want one just ask." "Ha!" "I am not hungry." "I am not hungry." "I'm not hungry!" "I wasn't hungry yesterday, I'm not hungry today and I won't be hungry tomorrow." "I am not feckin' hungry!" "Hiya, Ma." "I'm fuckin' starving!" "Had a lovely meal at Maria's mother's house last night." "That's nice." "I never had pale grape sauce before." "She drizzled it over two pork chops and served it with creamed spinach!" "Mammy, are you licking my hand?" "Sorry." "KNOCK AT DOOR Here's Robin." "It's open, Buster." "What the hell?" "!" "Right then!" "Let's go riding through the glen." "What do you think, Mrs Brown?" "Do I look like the real Robin?" "No, you look like a real thrush." "A thrush, why?" "You look like an irritating c..." "Mammy!" "Got to go, Mammy." "Will I see you for dinner?" "No, Ma, I'm meeting Maria later and taking her for a Chinese." "Feckin' Chinese!" "And you, you gobshite, Buster, come on, I'll get you a proper costume." "Right, let's go, kemo sabe!" "Still wrong!" "AGNES CRIES" "Are you all right, Agnes?" "No, Winnie, I think I'm anorexic!" "What?" "Ten days, TEN DAYS, I've been on this diet!" "And have you lost anything?" "Yes, ten feckin' days!" "How do you feel, pet?" "I'm starving." "Well, did you weigh yourself today?" "The scales is broken." "Agnes, everyone on a diet thinks that." "No, really, I threw them out the bathroom window yesterday." "Morning, Mammy." "Hello, love." "I'll get you a cup of tea." "No, I'll get it meself." "No, I was going to lick out the oven anyway." "Cathy, I can't do this diet." "Yes, you can." "I can't, I'm after eating a whole packet of them Ryvita crackers." "And then I ate the wrapper!" "And the wrapper was the feckin' nicest part." "Now, now." "And you seen that stuff, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter?" "Yeah." "It's not fuckin' butter!" "Ah, now, Mammy, you're doing fantastic." "I'm doing steamed cod's roll for dinner tonight." "Oh, I won't be here." "I meant to tell you, I'm going for dinner with Thomas." "Professor Clowne." "That's longer than we all expected it to last, Cathy." "It's just a date, Mammy." "Actually, I think he's only dating me to get to you." "Likes fat women, does he?" "I'm sorry, Winnie?" "Nothing..." "Nothing." "He's determined to interview you for his book." "Well, he can be all the determined he likes, he's not interviewing me unless he pays me... in chocolate." "Mammy, you're making too big a thing of this diet and you haven't got that much longer to go." "Really, how long?" "Six weeks." "And I'll be watching you every step of the way." "Six feckin' weeks!" "Cathy, in six weeks I'll have eaten Winnie!" "I have to go." "I'll see you later, Agnes." "In about seven weeks." "Bring food!" "If that's you, Winnie, I'm in the sitting room." "Is it safe to come in or will you lick me to death?" "So, how's the diet going?" "It's gone." "I had four doughnuts before you walked in the door." "Well, that could kill you, Agnes." "I don't give a shite, I won't be carrying the coffin." "So Cathy is dating your man Clowne?" "So it seems." "Well, dating, but not..." "Not..." "Are you all right, love?" "Just cramp." "That could be them doughnuts, Agnes." "Thanks for the sympathy, I feel much better." "Really?" "!" "No." "Go on." "He's not what you call a boyfriend, he's more..." "Oh, Jesus." "Oh, Agnes." "You've got nothing for indigestion, have you?" "No, but I can go back to the house." "I can go back to the house and check for you, love." "No, you're all right, I'll be fine." "She said that..." "Wait a minute." "Rory had stuff for heartburn." "Oh, great." "What did I feckin' do with it?" "Ha-ha-ha!" "I have it!" "These are very small." "Well, take two, Agnes." "Oh, Jesus, they taste like shit." "Oh, God, I think I'd rather have indigestion." "You'll be better in a flash." "Now, go on." "Well, she was saying that he's not really..." "She's dating him, but there's nothing serious, so..." "Hmm-hmm!" "She's not..." "She..." "Whoo!" "She's..." "Ha-ha-ha!" "Who owns that feckin' horse?" "!" "Hello, horsey!" "Nice horsey!" "Hello, horsey!" "SHE CACKLES" "Where was I?" "Well, he's not what you call a boyfriend." "What do you call a boyfriend?" "John, I suppose, is that his name?" "You can him John-John-John..." "Don't look, don't look at him!" "Fuckin' Spider-Man!" "Jesus." "Winnie, where are you?" "!" "I'm here!" "Don't fuckin' sneak up on me!" "He's..." "He..." "He has his site on the World Wide Web..." "The web?" "!" "On the web." "The web!" "Feckin' web." "Where is it?" "Winnie, do you know what I saw on the internet?" "What?" "Do you know what I saw on the..." "Do you know what I saw on the internet?" "No." "On the internet they said that if you get everybody in the whole world who works in McDonalds to hold hands, you have to get your own burger." "Burgers?" "!" "Do you want chips with that, dear?" "Agnes, what's wrong with you, love?" "Agnes?" "Will you stop feckin' sneaking up on me!" "I'm feckin' starving." "Let me get you something to eat." "No, it's all right, Winnie, I'll take a bite of the chair." "Agnes!" "Come on." "You're going to bed, love." "Come on, you're not well." "Come on." "No, we can't go upstairs." "Why?" "We can't go past the fuckin' horse!" "Oh, Agnes, come here." "Come on, up you go." "Up you go." "That's it." "Winnie!" "What?" "I fucking love you." "Oh, feck off!" "Oh, we've the place to ourselves." "Sit down." "I'd love to see those notes." "I was hoping your mother would be here." "Yeah, what a shame(!" ") Cathy." "Winnie." "It's your mammy, love, she's not well." "Now, I put her to bed, but you need to check on her later, love, OK?" "Thanks, Winnie, I'll walk you out." "Well, there you go then, we won't be seeing Mammy tonight." "Has she mentioned if she'll let me study her at all?" "No." "Oh, well." "Professor..." "Cathy, you can drop the "Professor", unless, of course, we're in college." "Thomas, Mammy's not as fascinating as you think she is." "At the end of the day, she's really just an ordinary mother." "To fight injustice, wherever it may be!" "Look out, Crime, here I come!" "Morning, Super Mammy!" "Shut up, Rory." "I feel like you're walking on my eyeballs." "HE LAUGHS" "You sound happy." "I am." "I spoke to the boss and he's going to have me and Dino as joint managers." "That's nice." "Well, I hope you're proud of yourself." "Stop, Cathy, please." "I'm sorry, OK?" "I suppose he never wants to see you again." "On the contrary, he was delighted with your "performance"." "I am seeing him again, and you ARE going to help with his book." "No, I don't want..." "Mammy!" "Fine." "Tea, Cathy?" "Oh, thanks, Rory." "Oh, no, we're short of milk." "Mammy, would you fly down to the shops and get some?" "CATHY HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER" "Well, that's the story this week." "You know, families can be..." "They can be, you know..." "Good night." "# Say hello" "# To the Queen of Dublin town" "# As the best mum of all" "# She wears the crown" "# Mother hen watching all her chicks" "# Sassy old lady full of tricks" "# It's a safe bet She'd never let life get her down" "# She's Mrs Brown" "# That's Mrs Brown" "# Oh, Mrs Brown. #"