"See?" "Now it doesn't look like a document from like the 1700 or something." "I don't think they had the glitter pants back then." "Well they should have." "They're awesome." "Do we really have to?" "It's a blood oath, Joe." "We have the oath." "Now we need the blood." "I don't know." "The whole idea of blood... mine." "Fine." "Give it to me." "I can't believe you're making such a big deal out of it." "Just stab yourself in the thumb." "You okay, Louis?" "Well, Joe, I'm so tired." "Louis?" "Hey, Joe." "How do you like me to do all the boring permit processing on the Kessler's beach house?" "I would like that very much, Louis." "Done." "Just store this stuff in your freezer at home and don't ask what it is." "What is this?" "It's a bottle of vodka and a variety of meat." "Isn't that the working title of your memoir?" "I changed it to "Baby oil and short shorts, when one goes on, the other comes off."" "Hope it's not a papa book." "Seriously, what am I doing here?" "what is this?" "I told Wyatt that in solidarity with his sobriety and his vegan-ness that I would make the incredibly generous gesture to stop drinking and start eating vegan." "And yet you're doing neither." "But I'm pretending to do both." "Oh, I get it." "You need the points." "Yeah." "The selfish one in the relationship always needs the points." "We do." "'Cause the points you get for the big thoughtful gesture pays for the nasty little things you do that come so naturaly." "Who knows me the best!" "Who knows me the abosolute best!" " You do!" "Yes!" " I do." "Of course, the tricky part is it's all a lie." "No, it's not a lie." "No, no, no..." "It's a big lie." " No, it's not a lie." " I think it's a lie." "No, no lie." "No lie." "Why do you have to say that?" "What?" "That you're a damn liar?" "No, no." "You know, most guys would say that I am banking a big chunk of" ""Oh, honey..." that pays for month of "Oh, honey..."" "You really thinks most guys would say that?" "You remember when Wyatt was a club-hopping alcoholic model?" "That go-go boy is gone-gone-gone." "Now he's a sober vegan nurse who's so... present." " You know, he credits you with all that." " I know." " You changed his whole life." " I know." "I just wished that we'd kept a little bit of his old life in a jar that we could take out on long weekends." "Hey, Joe." "Your fiance called about an hour ago." "I have a fiance." " You have a fiance." " Oh, I have a fiance." " You have a fiance." "How crazy is that?" " It's crazy." " It's the craziest thing, it really is." "Can you believe I duped this beautiful woman into marrying me?" "Hey, she's the lucky one." "Trust me, looks fade." "In 35 years, you're both gonna look like you." "Than...thank you." "Well, it's going to be a beautiful sunny day today." "Oh, my god!" "You scared the hell out of me!" "Oh, my god!" "I can't believe you're using vaseline as a lotion!" "Who are you?" "Aretha Franklin?" "I didn't have my overnight bag, and it's all Joe has in his bathroom." " Great bra." " Thank you." " How much?" " $75." "Worth it!" "Go home." "What are you doing here?" "I'm here for my morning sausage." "Is that code for something?" "It's code for morning sausage." "Get your head out of the gutter." "Joe will explain it when he gets home." "Would you please put a coaster underneath that coffee cup?" "And in future... all ablutions need to take place in the bathroom." "Okay, this is not your apartment, and how dare you tell me when and where to...ablute." ""Ablute" is not a word." "Neither is fremp or bupple." "This is why you'll never beat me at "Words with friends."" "Oh!" "I've got some "Words with friends" for you." "Get the hell out of Joe's apartment." "Mm." "Someone's in a mood." "Maybe you need a little bit of morning sausage." "I'm only in a mood because you barge in on me half-naked without so much as ringing the doorbell." "Why would I ring the doorbell?" "I have a key." " You have a key?" " Of course I have a key." "That's why I didn't ring the doorbell." " Do you ring the doorbell?" " I do ring the doorbell." " Why do you ring the doorbell?" " Because I don't have a key." "You don't have a key?" "!" "I don't have a key, so I have to ring the doorbell." "Oh, sweetheart." "You got to get a key." "Sorry I'm late." "I was downtown dealing with the permits for the Kesslers' beach house -- a deal's a deal." "Oh, really?" "You weren't just at my apartment having an omelet with sausage and peppers?" "What did I say?" "What -- what -- what I-- what is wrong with you?" "I left this morning, everything was fine, and now, suddenly, there's an issue." "Go easy on me." "I just pretended to give up alcohol and meat." "I want this engagement to go at a certain pace." "You know that." "Now she wants a key." "Well, what did you say to her?" "I said, "You know what?" "I will " " I will abs-- we will -- and " " I will -- look, let me " " I was -- let me think."" "I said, "Let's think " " I'll think about it."" "Well, I mean, maybe that we -- you could -- because when -- when I -- there might have been a better way to deal with that." "I was ambushed." "Oh, just give her a key, Joe." "You're engaged to her, for god's sake." "What are you waiting for?" "I just feel like the key gets us one step closer to living together, and about a month ago," "I read this pretty in-depth op-ed piece that said that couples t-that move in together before they get married stand a 38% greater chance of getting divorced." "Okay, first of all, that was not an op-ed piece." "It was an article in O Magazine that was guest-edited by Taylor Swift." "You've got to stop leaving your magazines in our bathroom." "I was halfway through "salty nuts"" "before I realized it wasn't a cooking magazine." "All right, look, that article was written by some young country starlet who's trying to convince the youth of america that bangs cut above the eyebrows are acceptable, and I'm telling you they are not!" "You get so riled up when you talk politics." "Don't listen to some stupid article." "Just listen to your heart and me." "Look, this is a big change for you, joe, okay?" "But it's necessary." "It's a good change." "And don't forget " "Without change..." "You can't buy gum balls." "You know what?" "It may be nonsense, but at least it's stupid." " You get my point." " I do." " Come here." "Yeah." " Aww." "You know how much I hate the office hug." "I know." "That's why you need it." "Hi." "I think I made too much of a deal about the key this morning." "I mean, I know you want to go at a certain pace after that op-ed piece you read." "By the way, I think there was a very similar article edited by Taylor Swift in O Magazine." "Anyway, I love you, and you love me." " So it doesn't matter if " " Surprise." " What is this?" " Open it." "It's a key chain!" "The key is somewhere in this apartment." "We're playing "Hot and cold."" "I love games!" "And you're gonna find your new key." "I love my new key!" "And you finally have to make that lunch date with my mom." "I love my new key!" "Not bad, right?" "Like the real thing." "You'd never know it was facon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich." " Aww, honey." " No, I mean it." "If someone said to me," ""What do you imagine fermented soy protein pressed into the shape of bacon would taste like?"" "I'd say, "Just like this."" "That's the hospital." "I'll be right back." "Elphaba, finish this." "Really?" "I've seen you eat an entire owl, and this is where you draw the line?" " Oh, gosh." " Ohh." "Mmm." "I got to head in for a couple hours." "You want me to come back, or you just want to meet me at Lance and Fernando's?" "Oh, lance and fernando's?" "Yeah, we made plans, remember?" "We're supposed to go over and watch the vacation video they made from when they took the triplets on the Rosie Cruise to Key West." "Oh, every noun in that sentence is a bummer." "Well, you don't have to go if you don't want to." "Oh." "I mean, gosh, Louis." " You do so much for me." " Really?" "You chose to be sober and vegan for me." "Completely selfless." "Well, what can I say, my love?" "When it comes to the relationships that really matter," "I'm very self-lish -- sss." "I'll call them and cancel." "That's how you get the points." "Cold." "Cold!" "Cold." "Cold." "Cold." "Oh, my god, so warm." "Warm." "Warm." "Don't give me hints." "Okay, if I take the hot and cold out of the "Hot and cold" Game," "Then it's just, uh -- just game." "But, uh..." "Do you remember that creepy guy Sully" " that my sister used to live with?" " Yeah." "You know how he gave her his key?" "He put it in his underwear and then wanted her to go get it." "She walked right out that door and never came back." "Well, who -- who could blame her?" "Oh, oh, wa-- warm." "Oh, warmer." "Warmer." "Oh, my god." "You're getting hot." "Ooh, so hot -- scorching hot!" "Found it!" "Ooh, and it's kind of warm." "That's love." "Thank you." "Oh, you're welcome." "So what happened?" "I thought you wanted to ease into it." "I was wrong." "I mean, what am I doing?" "I'm engaged to the love of my life here." "So, what do I have to do to get you to move in with me?" "Just keep being you." "oh, honey." "And get that other key back from Louis." "oh, honey." "Sorry I'm late." "I was downtown dealing with the permits for the Kesslers' Beach House." "Uh-huh." "So, when are you going downtown to deal with the permits for the Kesslers' Beach House?" "First thing tomorrow." "I promise." "Hey, so, how did it go with Ali and the key?" " Grrreat!" " Oh see?" "Okay, see?" "Does Ali realize how lucky she is to have me?" "She probably doesn't." "Did she give me any credit for this at all?" "She did, as a matter of fact." "Tell me." "What was it?" "What did she say?" "What did she say?" "Did she say, like," ""Some people are book smart, but Louis is wise"?" " She -- or, like, or, like, "You know louis?" "He has the kind of looks that would fit into any era."" "She said you have to give your key back." "We should probably get to work." "Louis, you heard what I said, right?" "Of course I heard you." "I'm not deaf, and I completely get where she's coming from." "Great." "So, why don't you give me your key back now, and we can get to work?" "Yeah, that's not gonna happen." "Oh, my God!" "Look at this!" "You can get building permits online!" "Why have we been going downtown all this time?" "Louis..." "Give me the key." " You want the key?" " Yes." "You can take the key from my cold, dead hands!" " Louis!" " From my cold, dead hands, Joe!" "From my cold, dead hands!" "That's where you can take the key from!" "Do you see what you've driven me to?" "!" "I'm quoting Charlton Heston!" "No." " Give me the key." " No." "We don't have to do this." "Okay?" "Everything's fine." " Just give me the key back." " I will not give you this key back!" "I found that apartme for you!" "I picked out the furniture!" "I lined the drawers with herringbone sticky paper!" "I appreciate that you did all that." "Okay?" "But it just upsets Ali when you barge in on her when she's wearing nothing but a bra and petroleum jelly." "That stuff doesn't keep you from getting pregnant." "Just saying." "You have no right to take this key from me." "No!" "No!" "That apartment is partly mine!" "My sweat is there!" "My effort is there!" "My meat is there!" "I'm sorry, Joe." "I'm sorry, Joe!" "I'm not giving the key back." "Ali's just gonna have to deal with it." "You know what?" "You're right." "You are." "You're -- you're right." " You're my best friend." "Yeah." "You should be able to have a key." "Well, now, see, that's all I'm saying." "Oh, I'm really " " I'm really, really sorry, man." "No, it's okay." "Hey, office hug." "Aww, yeah -- ohh, no, you don't!" "What's going on here?" "Why isn't my key working?" "!" "Oh, I'm sure your key's working fine." "It's just in the wrong lock now." "You didn't!" "We did!" "You unlock this door right now!" "Relax!" "Relax, I'm coming." "A chain?" "!" "When did you get a chain?" "!" "It came with the new lock." "Open this door right now!" "Ring the doorbell like a human being, and I will open the door." "Why would I ring the doorbell?" "Because it's not your apartment." " Oh, yes, it is!" " No, it's not!" "You might be Joe's best friend, and maybe even his decorator." "But when you come to this apartment, you are a gue" "Stop right there!" "Do not use the g-word with me, missy." "Not here." "Not in my house." "This isn't your house, you boundary-less freak." "Ah" " I'm okay with boundary-less freak, just not the g-word." "What is the big deal?" "When you come to Joe's apartment, you are his gue" "No!" "You don't live here." "You are a gue" "Don't say that!" "Don't use that word with me!" " Louis, what do you want?" "!" " I want my meat." "Ring the doorbell, and I will let you in." "And then you can enjoy your meat." "There is no way I'm going to ring the doorbell." "I am not opening the door unless you ring the doorbell." "Well, I am not ringing the doorbell unless you open the door!" " Then we don't have a deal." " Fine!" "No deal!" "You lose!" "Shoot." "Here's the key to your apartment which I am no longer able to enter freely." "Why, it's covered in drama and hostility." "You know, I'm not really feeling the jokey back-and-forth thing right now." "So can we just get to work?" "Thank you." "Oh, then just say whatever it is you want to say." "I have nothing to say." "What do you mean -- about Ali changing the locks?" "No, I have nothing to say." "I have decided " " You have nothing to say?" " No, I have nothing to say." "I have decided to take the high road." "Look, if you have a problem, l-let's just talk about it." "I don't have a problem." "I'm just sitting here enjoying my view from the high road." "Oh, look, wildflowers, a bubbling brook, and Joe." " She didn't change the locks, Louis." " Yes, she did." "That key does not work there anymore." "I went back twice to check." "We changed the locks." "Why would we change the locks?" "We didn't change the locks." "We changed the locks." "Oh, I see." "So you guys are the "We" now?" "No, we're we when we're we," "But it's not just us who are we." "What are you talking about?" "I'm saying there's a new we in town!" "Well, then..." "I guess that's the final word." "And yet, you'll add " "I can't believe... that you would let a woman you have known for just over a year make decisions about a friendship you've had for 25!" "Louis, it wasn't her decision to change the locks, okay?" "It was mine." "Well, now we're clear." " Don't be mad." " I'm not mad." " You seem mad." " See you at dinner tonight." "Should I cancel dinner tonight?" "No, do not cancel dinner tonight." "Well, where are you going?" "It's 9:30 in the morning." "Okay, I'm a little mad!" "I'm also in a relationship, too, you know." "I've got a we here with you, and I've got a we back at home." "You're not the only one in the office with a "We-we."" "Sure seems like it sometimes." "Listen, don't let me be mean to you tonight, okay?" "I really want them to see that you and I are the better couple." "Well, then just don't be mean to me." "Okay." "But if you see it happening, just...don't let it happen." " Well, if you feel it starting to happen, stop yourself." " Okay." "I'm feeling a little edgy tonight, so I just want to make sure that I am as kind to you as possible." "Okay, hush puppy?" "This is a good thing." "Okay, well, I'm just saying that if you think it's gonna h" "Okay, forget it!" "Forget it!" "You ruined it!" "Okay, remember -- better couple." "Better couple." " Hi, guys." " Oh, look." "Someone decided to wear a shirt tonight." "Mm, and I see someone decided to wear a blouse." "You know, I'm not afraid to hit a girl." "Neither am I." " Hi." "These are for you." " Thank you." " Hey, Wyatt." " Hey, Joe." "You know, I never feel less tall or more Jewish than when I'm hugging you hello." "I'm not staying." "I just came to give you this." " And what is this?" " This is everything you have ever given me." "Stuff we made at camp, gifts, tokens, curios, objets, bric-a-brac." " I'm sorry." "Objets?" " Yeah." "No, I don't think I've ever given you an objet." "In fact, I object to the notion that I have given you an objet." "Stop it." "You know, you're jokey when you're uncomfortable." "Well, I'm not uncomfortable." "Oh, you're uncomfortable." "Why would I be uncomfortable?" " I'm uncomfortable." " Me, too." "Shall we walk the dog?" "That would make me comfortable." " We have to make sure to keep her away from owls." " Why?" "We just do." "So, what's the point of all this?" "You gave me your key, and then you took it back." "And I never want to feel that again, so I'm beating you to the punch." "And now that I have given it to you, I would like to leave." "Yet, you'll stay because..." "I would like to watch you suffer." "Louis, come on." "You're making too big a deal out of this." "You don't have to give me back all this st" "Wait a second." "This is my camera." "I told you I thought it was stolen, and I was right!" "Come on -- oh, my -- what is this?" "Is this the stuff we -- we brought back from our junior year in France?" "Everything except for the oregano that we bought thinking it was weed." " Oh, no, no, no." "What is this." " I don't know." "I haven't looked in there for years." " Oh, my god." " Oh, my gosh." ""We solemnly swear to be best friends forever." "No matter what," "For our entire lives, even after we die." "And even if we come back as a tiger and a flamingo."" "I don't remember which one I was." ""No parents or school or even a nuclear bomb will break up this friendship."" "Look at that." "That's our blood." "Well, it was a blood oath." "Louis, it's perfectly reasonable for Ali to want to be the only other person with a key to this apartment." "Just like that?" "Well, just because she has a key and you don't have a key doesn't mean " "Yes, it does." "It means a lot." "It means that things are changing, and they're changing fast." "But change is necessary, huh?" "And it's good." "I mean..." "Without change, you can't buy any gum balls." "Huh?" "I got that from you, man." "I might have stolen it from Taylor Swift." "Louis, everything in that oath still applies." "I know." "I know." "And we -- we will always be a we, even if we have other wes." "Comprends?" "Oui." "Good." " Hey, apartment hug." " Ohh." "It's just so crazy that I can't walk through that door whenever I want to anymore." "I'll tell you what." "You want your key back?" "You can have your key back." "I want my key back." " You can't have your key back." " Shoot." "And I wish you the same thing that Louis and I had." "A relationship built on trust, respect, and honesty." "Mm." "I'm gonna get some ice for my tea." " Wait, from the freezer?" " Uh, yeah." "I assume that's where the ice is." "I'll get it for you, hush puppy." "You'll never find it." "Their kitchen is counter-intuitive." "It's probably behind your Vodka and meat." "How long have you known?" " The whole time." " Why didn't you say something?" "I wanted the points." "We're going on the Rosie Cruise with Lance and Fernando, aren't we, Elphaba?" "Yes, we are." "Yes, we are."