"(Elka) Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience." "Hey, Nicky, can you get two coffees for table nine?" "Yeah, sure." "Oh, my God." "The new waiter just touched my butt." "Did he walk by and sort of causally brush it with his hand?" "Yeah!" "He did that to me by the bar, twice." "He's groping us and making it look like an accident." "Well, Joy, he probably thought he was reaching for a mop." "Where's Tony?" "Oh, my beautiful son is outside on a business call." "Ladies, I have a major announcement to make." "I have just been named artistic director of the Cleveland Studio Theater." " Oh!" " That's fantastic." "But you've never directed before." "Oh, I know, but how hard can it be?" "Directing is just telling people what to do and sleeping with actors." "The only downside is," "I need investors for my first production." "In the theater, we call them "angels."" "In real life, they call them "suckers."" "Ladies, I have a major announcement to make." "The app that I developed just sold for millions." " Oh, wow." " Millions?" "Oh, my clever boy, my angel..." "My angel." "Well, you'll be looking for something to invest that money in." "Yeah, I was thinking maybe a charity." "Charity?" "Well, you can't make any money on that." "Now, theater, that's a sound investment." "And as luck would have it, I am the new artistic director for the Cleveland Studio Theater." "Oh, I would love to invest." "Oh, that's fantastic." "I just have one tiny condition." "I would like a part in the play." "Oh, have you ever acted before?" "No, but how hard can it be?" "Acting is just pretending to listen to your director and sleeping with the other actors, right?" "Well, our next play is Summer of the Locust based on a Willa Cather story about a young farm boy who is visited by the ghost of his grandmother." "Oh, there's an old lady part?" "Yeah." "Did you hear that, Joy?" "Well, we should celebrate." "Hey, Nicky, can you get us a bottle of champagne?" "Oh, yeah, of course." "Coming right up." "Thanks." "He did it again." "Okay, that's it." "He's got to go." "Wait, you can't just accuse someone of groping without proof." "We need to go through the security cameras and see if we have footage of him doing it." "Just don't look at last Tuesday night." "But last Tuesday night you were here with a date." "You said you'd lock up." "Wasn't that the night we ran out of whipped cream?" "And sprinkles." "[upbeat music]" "♪ Ba-Ba, Ba-Ba ♪" "♪ Ba-Ba, Ba-Ba ♪" "♪ Hey!" "♪" "And into this beautiful land" "I promise to return." "That was a great audition." "Elka, you nailed it." "I don't think we need to look any further for the grandmother." "Oh, I think you do." "Grandma?" "Mom, what are you doing here?" "Well, I heard about the open auditions, and I thought I should come down and try out because otherwise you might be stuck with some local nobody." "Hello, Elka." "Hello, Penny." "Thank you so much for warming them up." "Now it's time for a professional actress." "You did a TV show with puppets." "I'll have you know I can express more with one hand than most people can with their entire bodies." "I can express how I feel about you with one finger." "Elka was great." "Maybe she could be Grandma's understudy." "So if something terrible happened to Penny," "I'd step in?" "Back off, Blondie." "I've never missed a performance." "I bet your audiences wished you had." "The security camera doesn't lie." "Nicky groped me by that table and you by the cash register." "No, don't zoom in." "Don't zoom in." "I hate my butt." "It's everywhere." "He couldn't not grope it." "Oh, shut up." "You have an amazing butt." "It's so in fashion right now." "It's all about that bass." "Unlike my pancake ass." "I'm all treble." "Victoria, what do you think of our butts?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I have to get to rehearsal." "I don't have time to make up an honest answer." "Where the hell is my mother?" "Elka, would you read in for her?" "(Elka) I'd be happy to." "It'll be nice to hear how it should be read." "Beat it, short stuff." "Amateur hour is over." "I'm terribly sorry I'm late, but the city is tearing up my street suddenly." "Oh, I'm the mayor." "I'll find out who ordered that." "I called." "They said it was you." "Well, that saves us some time." "Okay, everybody, we are going to start with the scene where Phillip, alone and desperate, sees a vision of his beloved grandmother who died five years earlier." "Now, it's a very pivotal and poignant moment in the play." "Phillip, my darling, darling Phillip." "Grandma, is that really you?" "I can't believe it's you." "I've missed you so much." "Oh, my God." "He's terrible." "He's the worst actor in the Chase family." "And that's saying something." "Ow." "Ow." "Ow." "Ow." "Ow." "Stupid exercise." "Everything hurts." "It makes me long for the days when women kept their rear ends tucked away." "We should go back to hoop skirts." "No one knew what the hell was going on under there." "Sure, half of them died in childbirth, but at least they didn't have to do squats." "Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah." "You know, maybe we're approaching this the wrong way." "Maybe we need to think outside the butt." "It's not that our bottoms look bad;" "it's the way the cameras make them look." "You're right." "We just need to adjust the camera angles to make our butts look better." "Yes, and softer focus." "A little Vaseline on the lens wouldn't kill anyone." "(Joy) Hello, ladies." "Hey, how's Summer of the Locust going?" "How's Tony?" "(Victoria) Well, um, he's a-a little raw, a little green, a little untrained." "He stinks on ice." "Did you tell him?" "Oh, I couldn't." "He'd hate me." "So I thought of a better plan." "You do it." "I can't do it." "It would break his untalented little heart." "Well, you never had a problem pointing out my faults when I was a kid." "That's different." "He's likeable." "What, and I'm not?" "See?" "We agree." "You know, parents are supposed to support and protect their children." "Victoria, I have protected you hundreds of times." "Yeah." "Name one." "All right." "I never told you this, but your father got a woman pregnant, and you have a secret sister." "What?" "W-who is she?" "What's her name?" "I don't know." "Susan someth..." "Something Italian." "I don't know, but we'll talk about that tomorrow." "The important thing is, what are we gonna do about Tony?" "You know, maybe we could tell him he's terrible by putting a message in a fortune cookie." "You know, actually, that's not a bad idea." "You know, I got one once saying that dancing was not my forte." "Did you?" "That was you?" "Well, it worked." "[sighs] So what's it gonna be?" "(Tony) ♪ Oh, Danny boy ♪" "♪ The pipes, the pipes are calling ♪" "Or... we could turn this play into a musical." "(Tony) ♪ From glen to glen, and down the mountainside ♪" "Tony, I didn't know you could sing." "Mom, I was in the glee club for six long years." "It makes perfect sense." "All musical talent skips a generation." "Hey, I got that fortune cookie too." "Sing with me." "(both) ♪ The summer's gone ♪" "♪ And all the roses falling ♪" "Let me know when I can join in." "We will." "(both) ♪ It's you, it's you ♪" "I am so glad we changed the cameras." "Look how good we look." "The lighting, the softer angles, the Vaseline..." "Now they're security cameras." "Before, they were insecurity cameras." "You know, someone once told me that red wine is good for sore muscles." "That was me." "Is it true?" "Does it matter?" "Well, we're off." "Oh, we can't wait to see you guys in your new play tonight." ""Summer of the Locust presented by Olay Regenerist Micro-Sculpting Cream"?" "Your play has a sponsor?" "Yes, the cast has unusually good skin for poor farmers living in the dust bowl." " Break a leg." " Have fun." "See you tonight." "[phone ringing]" "Hello?" "What?" "Oh, my God." "Y-yes, we'll be there as soon as we can." "Somebody robbed the bar." "So there's no way to identify the thief?" "I mean, we're out thousands of dollars." "Sorry, ladies, the footage is useless." "He put Vaseline on the lens to disguise his identity." "Pretty clever." "We thought so." "I mean, damn him!" "Thank you, Officer." "What were we thinking?" "First rule of running a business:" "security cameras are for security, not for making your ass look great." "One day, science will invent a camera that does both." "But for now, we should do what we should have done in the first place..." "Fire Nicky." "All right." "(Melanie) Uh, Nicky?" "Can we talk to you, please?" "Hey, I'm so sorry about the robbery." "Do you have any idea who did it?" "No." "But it's not about that." "We have to let you go because of all the inappropriate touching." "I-I touched you?" "Oh, my God." "Joy, he doesn't even remember." "You touched our butts, and we have proof." "Okay, I am so sorry, but I can explain." "I didn't know I was touching you." "I was in a really bad car accident with my sister when I was a teenager." "I severed all the nerves in my hand." "Really?" "So when you put your hand on me like this, you can't feel anything at all?" "It's the other hand." "Oh, so you were just accidently brushing us." "Oh, my God, you have no idea what fools we've been." "We got so obsessed about the way our butts looked in the security footage that we adjusted the camera angles and put Vaseline on the lens." "Which is why we can't identify the thief who robbed us." "We're so stupid." " Ah!" " Oh, I'm so sorry." "I'm so..." "Hey!" "Your hand's not dead." "You liar." "You can feel." "You were groping us." "Okay, I admit it." "I'm sorry." "I just couldn't help myself." "I mean, look at the two of you." "You're gorgeous." "And from behind, irresistible." "I wouldn't say irresistible." "Not too flat?" "Or too not flat?" "Are you kidding me?" "They're both perfect." "(both) Perfect." "Anyway, now that it's all out in the open, obviously, I can't work here anymore." "So..." "Well, I guess it's for the best." "Yeah, we wouldn't want you to be tempted." "(Nicky) Thank you for that." "And I'm so sorry for the robbery." "Ouch. $7,000?" "(Melanie) Yeah, thank you." "Aw, poor guy." "That must have been so rough on him, looking at us every day and wanting us so much." "And he felt really bad about us losing the $7,000." "Wait a minute." "We didn't tell anybody that it was $7,000." "Oh, my God." "He's the thief." "He's the thief and the groper." "And we can't prove it because we greased out the bloody cameras." "[groans]" "Well, one good thing happened." "He made us feel better about our butts." "That's true." "And you can't put a price on that." "Though it appears to be about $7,000." "Poor Elka." "Ten minutes to showtime, and I'm ready to shine." "Oh, ten minutes?" "Well, then you deserve a preshow chocolate." "[chuckles]" "Nice try, honey, but you forget," "I know every acting sabotage trick in the book." "Oh, look at these tiny, little pin holes." "Oh, what'd you inject them with, sweetheart, some kind of sleeping drug?" "Either you fall asleep or the audience does." "Face it, Elka, you've lost." "I'm the star, and you're just a poor, little understudy watching from the wings." "Ah, you win." "I guess I'll go to my dressing room and have a cocktail." "You have a dressing room?" "With a full bar." "Oh, that's ridiculous." "They wouldn't give an understudy a better dressing room than I have." "Oh, then I must have imagined the hot tub." "(Penny) I don't believe this." "Go in and have a look for yourself." "Oh, I certainly will." "(Penny) Where's the light?" "Where's the..." "This isn't a dressing room!" "[banging] Elka, open the door!" "[banging]" "Sorry, Penny." "The show must go on." "[banging]" "Have you seen my mother?" "I can't find her anywhere." "No." "Oh, gosh, I hope she's okay." "Curtain is in five minutes." "You're gonna have to go on." "I suppose someone has to be the star." "[sighs] [chuckles]" "[light piano melody]" "♪ ♪" "♪ A thousand stars will soon appear ♪" "♪ And yet, not one to guide me ♪" "♪ If only dear Grandma was here ♪" "♪ To calm the fear inside me ♪ [off-key] ♪ I'm here, Phillip ♪" "♪ I see you, Grandma ♪" "(Penny) Hold it!" "[music stops]" "I'm here, Phillip." "I see two grandmas." "That's right." "♪ Now, what's ailing ♪" "♪ You-hoo-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪" "♪ Hoo-ooh-ooh, wha?" "♪" "Oh, brother." "♪ Two grandmas here before my eyes ♪" "♪ I don't know what to say ♪" "♪ I'm not going anywhere ♪" "♪ And I am here to stay ♪" "♪ So much advice to guide me now ♪" "♪ I've got a lot to mull ♪" "♪ I am such a lucky guy ♪" "♪ This is wonderful ♪" "This is terrible." "What do I do?" "Just keep singing and shut their windows." "♪ I realize that ghosts aren't real ♪" "Hey!" "♪ These visions now have flown ♪" "Hey!" "♪ Whatever troubles lie ahead ♪" "♪ You will not face alone ♪" "Hey!" "♪ I think I'm okay by myself ♪" "♪ I'll never leave you, dear ♪" "♪ You'll be with me inside my heart ♪" "♪ Not talking in my ear ♪ [door rumbling]" "♪ I've got a feeling things will get better ♪" "♪ Something good is coming for me ♪" "♪ Finally, this nightmare is over ♪" "♪ A life of my own and grandmother-free ♪" " I'm back!" " I'm back." "♪ He'll never get rid of me ♪" "(both) ♪ I'm ♪" "♪ We're ♪" "♪ Still ♪" "♪ Here ♪ [upbeat piano flourish]" "Good news." "We got a big offer." "Ooh, for the musical?" "Oh, God, no." "For the building." "The real estate developer wants to turn the theater into a PetSmart." "(Elka) Oh, great." "Pets do more for people than plays." "Right, George Clooney?" "Well, even though the play was a fiasco," "I've decided to keep singing." "Oh." "I've actually decided to audition for The Voice." "Oh, good for you." "Although, Mom, I'm gonna need a sympathetic backstory to win over the audience." "So I was thinking of telling them that you kept me in a cage until I was three years old." "I like it." "Yeah." "But make it ten and hunch a little." "We never got you a bigger cage." "What about you two?" "Are you gonna continue acting?" "Oh, absolutely." "In fact, the two of us are auditioning for a play at the community center." "[laughs]" "I'm trying out for the lead." "As am I." "And I'll probably get it because I'm dating the director." "I am also dating the director." "I am sleeping with the director." "What did you think "dating" meant?" "I was being classy." "Well, I don't care." "It's good to have a rival." "Keeps you on your toes." "Oh, it does, doesn't it?" "You know, that's like me and Susan Lucci." "That's it." "Susan Lucci." "That's your half-sister's name." "Lucci?"