"The hell is this?" "[ Scoffs ] I know." "I got one, too." "I used to work at little caesars, and now they send me coupons!" "[ Chuckles ] They've come a long way." "I sold this house a month ago." "They just slapped on a new coat of paint and re-sold it for double the price." "Wow." "That color is beautiful." "Tell that to the birds who cracked their skulls on this sky-colored death trap." "[ Sighs ]" "Oh, I wish I had the down payment to buy a house to fix up and sell." "House flipping -- that's where the real money is." "Well, if you ever need a contractor," "I just finished renovating our house." "Oh." "Erased all memories of Marvin's ex, minus her wall murals, which are actually quite beautiful." ""Horses through history"." "They're nice." "[ Vehicle door closes ] Flowers for Mrs. Huang?" "What?" "[ Chuckles ]" "Who sent me flowers?" "[ Speaking Chinese ]" "" " Captions by vitac " "¶ fresh off the boat ¶" "¶ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ¶" "¶ if you don't know, homey, now you know ¶" "¶ fresh off the boat ¶" "¶ homey, you don't know where I come from ¶" "¶ but I know where I'm goin' ¶" "¶ I'm fresh off the boat ¶" "¶¶ boyfriend?" "What boyfriend?" "Oh, no, I can't believe Charles passed." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "I can't speak Chinese, but I can tell from your tone that you're doing okay." "Wait." "You knew she had a boyfriend?" "I introduced them." "Charles and Marvin use to work for the same dental practice." "He was Marvin's dental mentor." "His "dentor"." "Dentor." "That's funny." "Wait." "So, you didn't know she had a boyfriend?" "No." "But it does explain some things." "[ Door closes ]" "Since when do you stay out so late?" "It's almost 7:30." "Grandma Huang:" "[ Giggling ]" "Evan?" "Oh, sorry." "I thought she was just making homemade tea bags again." "But I guess she's so private, there's no way i could have known." "We heard about Charles." "We're so sorry." "I always enjoyed his opinions on local politics." "What is happening?" "Emery..." "¶¶" "I have big news." "You found the stray dog that gets into our freezer?" "'Cause I'll adopt him." "There's no way your mom signs off on that." "She will too." "She's mellowing out." "Do you remember the -- -no, it's not about the dog." "It is news that will affect each and every one of you profoundly." "[ Telephone rings ]" "Cattleman's ranch." "Oh, my God." "[ Door opens ]" "I came as soon as I could!" "Eddie's first school dance." "How can I help?" "What can I do?" "Well, I went into great detail about it on the phone." "How much did you hear?" "Uh, "the 7th grade dance is coming up..."" "And then here I am." "As the principal of a middle school, I'm very busy." "But I guess I can make some time to go over it again." "[ Intercom beeps ]" "Shauna, push my 12:30." "Shauna:" "You mean when you said we'd go try that new fro-yo place?" "[ Intercom beeps ] Yes, push that." "So, we're asking parents if they can help out at the fall ball by donating food or chaperoning." ""The fall ball." What a beautiful name." "Eddie's first dance is something I've looked forward to ever since i moved to this country." "How do you know about American dances?" "You grew up in..." "Taiwan?" "Yes, Taiwan." "Taiwan." "Well, you know those plastic tables they have in the center of the pizzas?" "Yes, they keep the lid off the cheese." "Go on." "Well, I used to work in a factory that made those." "To keep morale up, they would play John Hughes movies on the vcr." ""Pretty in pink" over and over again." "Why does she wear so much pink?" "[ Scoffs ] They haven't explained that yet, chau." "They should call this movie "sad redhead goes to the dance"." "Okay, chau." "Wow, Taiwan sounds rough." "That wasn't in Taiwan." "That was in New Jersey." "I drove through New Jersey once." "I must have watched that movie 100 times." "I thought it would be as close as I ever got to an American dance." "But now I get to experience it through my son." "All right, I've been eavesdropping, and this is not worth missing frozen yogurt for." "Let's go." "[ Video games noises ]" "I heard the great news." "I know!" "Trent just got the "game genie" for super Nintendo." "Trent:" "We're using it with "Shaq fu."" "You type in a code, and instead of him throwing wind, he throws basketball jerseys." "It's still terrible, but a different kind of terrible." "No." "The great news about the fall ball!" "Wait, what?" "You don't care about my school activities." "Where was this when I needed help on my vegetable garden for the homeless?" "Those were hobo melons." "This is different." "This actually matters." "So you're all going, right?" "Yeah, we were gonna roll through." "Sure." "Sounds good." "Sounds good." "Stop copying me, Dave." ""Roll through"?" "I didn't come to this country for my son to -- you know what?" "I'll take a beat." "Take it easy, dad." "It's just a dance." "It's not a big deal." "It is a big deal." "This is a coming-of-age moment." "You need to think about what you're gonna wear, what you're gonna say, how you're gonna slow dance with girls." "Slow dance?" "We got that covered." "We've been watching "the grind" on mtv." "We're working on a signature move." "Oh, well, see, that's great." "[ Chuckles ]" "I thought you guys weren't taking it seriously." "Show me what you got." "Cool." "Sure." "No problem." "No problem." "Dave, you do that again, and you're gonna get a punch." "Hit it, Walter." "¶ Mr. boombastic ¶" "¶ what you want is some boombastic ¶" "¶ romantic fantastic lover ¶" "¶ shaggy ¶" "¶ she call me Mr. boombastic ¶" "¶ say me fantastic ¶" "¶ touch me on me back, she says I'm Mr. ro... ¶" "¶ mantic, call me fantastic ¶" "¶ touch me on me back, she says I'm Mr. ro... ¶ shaggy!" "¶ ...smooth ¶" "¶ fantastic, touch me on me back, she says I'm Mr. ro... ¶" "¶ smoo-- ¶ no girl is gonna want to dance with you if you're doing that." "Yeah, they will." "'Cause we're gonna gyrate them into our orbit." "[ RB music plays ]" "I don't know where I'm going, but I like it!" "Uh, nope." "I think we're gonna need to take a step back here." "Have any of you ever had physical contact with a girl?" "Yeah." "Kathy." "Your 2-month-old cousin doesn't count." "I fed her some peas." "So, what you're gonna do?" "You're gonna go to the dance and feed girls peas?" "I heard Alison is allergic to peas." "Who's Alison?" "A girl Eddie likes." "She sends her used pogs to Africa." "She's classy." "Oh, great." "That's perfect." "So, I assume Alison will be at the dance." "And a classy girl like that is going to want you to sweep her off her feet." "What do you mean?" "[ Chuckles ] The surprise dip." "My father taught me this." "He meant it as a fighting move, but I repurposed it." "Whoa." "That's pretty cool." "What else can you show us, Louis?" "Mr. Huang." "Hmm." "I can show you guys a lot." "Now, if you listen to me," "I promise you'll have a great fall ball." "Shaggy!" "Please stop that." "So, I am gonna help Eddie and his friends have a great fall ball." "We need to talk about your mother." "Oh, I know." "Poor Charles." "I still can't believe he died." "What?" "You knew about Charles, too?" "Yeah, he and ma ate at the restaurant all the time." "He was the reason I put a sneeze guard on the salad bar." "Charles:" "Achoo!" "Well, did you know that he left your mother some money?" "No, but that sounds like Charles." "He was very generous." "He once tipped Mitch $20 on a soup." "Mitch ran to the store and brought back a Jackson's worth of candy." "[ Laughs ] What a night that was." "We were flying, boy!" "Louis." "[ Sighs ] You know she's just gonna put all that money under her mattress." "Instead, she should invest it with me on a house to flip." "A great colonial just came on the market." "That's a good idea." "Great." "So you'll ask her for me." "Well, you know what will happen if I do that." "She'll just ask me why you didn't ask her and the Gulf between you will grow." "Oh, I can't ask her." "We have such a chilly relationship." "Well, that doesn't have to be the case." "Spend some time with her, warm her up." "And when the time is right, ask her." "Do you think the time was right for that?" "I do not." "Sajak:" "Up to $1,200." "[ Applause ]" "Hi, mom." "What are you watching?" ""Wheel."" "So, I was thinking, would you like to go out for lunch today?" "My treat." "[ Speaking Chinese ]" "Right." "Okay, well, what about we do something after lunch?" "Wow, so busy all of a sudden." "These aren't the droids you're looking for." "What?" "[ Applause ]" "Oh." "Well, i have nothing going on." "Mind if I tag along with you on your busy day?" "I want a new jetta." "[ Speaking Chinese ]" "You take coins out of the fountain?" "Let me just push away these mosquitos having sex, and I'll stick my arm in." "Ah." "Speaking of a good find, there's this house that just went on the market." "If you invested your inheritance with me," "I could double your money." "Okay, so if I have one takeaway from John Hughes movies, it's that dressing confidently matters." "Drop some knowledge on me, dad." "I want to look fly at the dance." "Show me what you feel best in." "Why?" "Why does this make you feel confident?" "Because it's the perfect mix of class and street." "Kind of like Alison." "I get it now, and I love it." "You do?" "No, but if you're confident in it, then I feel confident in you." "I mean, look at steff and blane in "pretty in pink"." "They wore blazers with rolled-up sleeves like female stand-up comics, and they were the popular kids." "I don't know who that is, but thanks." "Okay, so your walls are good." "Now we need to work on your roof." "Buck, this is sick." "¶ Yeah ¶" "I don't think that means what you think it means." "Yeah, it does." "'Cause I'm money." "[ Chuckles ] Hey, like I said, if you feel good, I feel good." "Okay, Lou, so five cuts?" "Uh, no, just for my boy." "But I got frosted tips." "[ Sighs ]" "All right, buck, what's the damage for the tips?" "You're not gonna like it." "He asked for the premium tinfoil." "[ Cash register beeping ]" "¶¶ you must have a huge pair of rocks to show up looking like that." "Okay, I've got to head to the dance early to set up food." "So Walter's dad, Walter sr., will be giving you all a ride." "Hey, you got a sec?" "Son, I want to talk to you about something serious." "Things could get heated tonight." "You're having fun with your girl, lost in the moment, you won't want to stop to think about protection." "What?" "!" "Take this with you, and in the moment, please, please make the smart choice and use it." "That's mitchum." "That's the good stuff." "[ Exhales deeply ] don't worry, dad." "I got it covered." "We all went in on a bottle of Polo Cologne." "Hmm." "We did the math." "We get three sprays each." "Check it -- two cheeks and a valley." "[ Chuckles ] Eddie, I'm so excited for you." "These are the critical hours leading up to the big dance." "In the movie, this is when Andie assembled her own dress." "Right." "Well, I'm excited, too." "This is the first time I'm gonna see Alison outside of school." "What's your plan when you see her?" "I don't know." "Figure we'll lean up against a wall and see what's what." "No, come on." "Dances are the time to be bold." "When you see her, talk to her." "Okay." "I'll guess I'll be like, "greetings."" "No, you need to show her you like her." "Have you been practicing those dance moves I taught you?" "Well, I think so." "You think so, or you know so?" "Well, I have been -- because this is game time." "The fall ball is a seasons-based dance." "You miss this chance, a whole year goes by before you get another." "And who knows where she'll be next year?" "She could be dead." "What?" "I don't know." "I mean, I could be dead, too." "What?" "!" "Just -- anyone could die at any time." "I mean, yeah?" "Good." "Now you have fun out there tonight." "But remember, in a couple hours, your whole world will change." "¶¶" "[ up-tempo music plays ]" "Hey, boss, you never quite finished that announcement the other day." "Yeah, 'cause my mom counts on my paycheck for her acting classes, so I need to know what's going on." "Right." "Uh, well, it's something that's gonna affect you profoundly." "[ Sniffs ] Polo." "They're here." "Uh, I want to see what it looks like when he first walks in." "[ Chuckles ]" "Oh, I love how you framed the doorway." "John Hughes would approve." "Great." "Tips, where's Eddie?" "Oh, he said he wasn't coming." "You won't believe what my mother-in-law just did!" "What are you doing here?" "Well, she's helping me figure out exactly how much" "I spent on my remodel." "She's so nice." "She offered to do it for free." "[ Speaking Chinese ]" "Ooh." "Well, if she's so nice, why don't you ask her why she's so cold to me?" "Okay." "I can't speak Chinese." "[ Speaking Chinese ]" "What is she saying to me?" "She is telling you to tell me to look in the mirror because she says i am the cold one." "Oh, wow." "This is getting real." "[ Speaking Chinese ]" "Honey, where does your mother live?" "El Paso?" "I'm not sure." "She goes back and forth to Mexico a lot to buy steroids for her cat." "[ Sobs ]" "Why are you crying?" "Where is my mother?" "[ Video game noises ]" "Eddie, why aren't you at the dance?" "Changed my mind." "Is this because of the thing i said about Alison dying?" "Look, it's very unlikely she's gonna die." "As far as we know, she's young and healthy -- dad, it's not that." "Well, then what?" "You told me my whole world was gonna change." "I was saying it could change for the better." "But what if it changes for the worse?" "Are you afraid Alison won't like you?" "I already had my heart jacked once by Nicole, and it sucked." "Yeah, that did suck." "And you're right -- Alison might not like you." "But what if she does and you never find out because you're sitting on the sidelines?" "It's like Shaq says in his motivational book," ""Shaq-isms" " ""you miss 100% of the shots you don't take."" "But he only makes 50% of the shots he does." "I'm sorry, dad." "I don't like those odds." "Well, if you don't want to go to the dance, you don't have to." "I'm just happy you have a choice." "What do you mean?" "I never got to go to a dance." "Never had the opportunity." "All I had was a movie." "¶¶" "[ tires screech ]" "I was wrong." "Shaq makes 58% of his shots, which means I have a better chance to make than miss." "Let's go to that dance." "[ Laughs ]" "¶ Alive and kicking ¶" "¶ stay until your love is ¶" "¶ alive and kicking ¶" "¶ stay until your love is ¶" "¶ until your love is alive ¶ that was better than a movie." "[ Chuckles ]" "[ Mid-tempo music plays ]" "There he go." "Greetings." "Want to dance?" "About time you asked me." "[ Up-tempo rock music plays ] don't worry." "This happens at every dance." "It's called a "moosh" pit." "Boy meets girl, boy falls in love, girl elbows boy in the ribs." "Shaggy!" "¶¶" "Jessica: "To help you reach thosecoinsin themiddle."" "[ Chuckles ]" "Grandma, stop it!" "No, no." "No, don't stop it!" "I don't want your loan." "I want you to be partners with me, 50/50." "Oh." "$7,000?" "!" "That's it?" "!" "We need a lot more than that to buy a house." "[ Squealing ]" "[ Laughs ] Thank you, honey." "Of course, of course, of course, of course!" "Come here!" "[ Laughs ]" "I'm so excited we're gonna be partners!" "[ Gasps ] Ooh." "Is it too soon to suggest a horse mural in every room?" "Yes." "Yes." "Okay." "[ Squeals ]" "¶ Mr. lover lover, mm ¶" "¶ Mr. lover lover ¶" "¶ girl, Mr. lover lover ¶" "¶ mm, Mr. lover lover ¶" "¶ she call me Mr. boombastic ¶" "¶ say me fantastic ¶" "¶ touch me on me back, she says I'm Mr. ro... ¶" "¶ mantic, call me fantastic ¶" "¶ touch me on me back, she says I'm Mr. ro... ¶" "¶ smooth ¶" "¶ just like silk, soft and cuddly ¶" "¶ hug me up like a quilt ¶" "¶ I'm a lyrical lover ¶" "¶ no take me for no filth with my sexual physique ¶" "¶ jah know me well built ¶" "¶ oh, me, oh, my ¶" "¶ well, well, can't you tell I'm just like... ¶"