"23.976" "Station Log, stardate 46925.1." "We have been honoured with a visit by Federation ambassadors on a fact-finding mission to the wormhole." "Fortunately, I have just the officer to take them off my hands." "I wish there was something I could do, Ambassador." " Madam Ambassador." " Madam Ambassador." "But all the guest quarters are roughly the same size." "Then move me to the crew level." "All the quarters there are occupied." "Then someone can move." "You, for example." "She did the same thing during the voyage here." "She's never satisfied." "At least I didn't bother the Captain every hour with some new suggestion on how to run his ship." "He welcomed my suggestions as I'm sure your Commander Sisko will welcome them, if we ever get to see him." "Commander Sisko is extremely busy." " With what?" " With the recalibration sweep." " What are you recalibrating?" " Mmm?" "Everything." "It's a sweeping, a recalibration of all systems." "I cannot speak for the others, but I would be fascinated to observe this recalibration." "You would?" "I thought you might enjoy stopping by a holosuite." "Are you suggesting we indulge in a disgusting Ferengi sex programme?" "No." "I..." "The holosuites are capable of many different..." "Of course that's what he was suggesting." "The Arbazan are so sexually repressed." "Why, this is outrageous." "Perhaps we should all get some rest." "I did not come here to rest." "I'd like to see your facility." "A first-year officer assigned as our liaison." "Starfleet Command will hear of this." "Ambassador..." "Madam Ambassador, I'm only..." "Where is it?" "It's gone, it's gone!" " What's gone, Madam Ambassador?" " My latinum hair brooch." "Quark!" "I had just made my third straight cross, I was picking up the dice, something brushed against me, and my God, I've been wigged!" "What's the problem, here?" "Someone has stolen Ambassador Troi's hair brooch." "I'm sorry, but as the sign says, we are not responsible for the loss of items." " Sign?" " The one above the door." "It's too high up to read." "House rules." "I'm very sorry." "Have a nice day." "I am the daughter of the Fifth House," "Holder of the Chalice of Ri"xx", Heir to the Rings of Betazed." "Not my ear, please!" "I know where it hurts most, you little troll." "Now, I want this room sealed and everyone in it strip-searched, until you find my brooch." "May I be of service?" "Thank goodness." "Our Chief of Security, Odo." " What's the problem?" " My brooch has been stolen." "It's been in my family for 36 generations." "I want it back." "You're certain you were wearing it today?" "Of course." "I never use this hair without it." "I see." " You're Betazoid?" " Of course." " Telepathic?" " Yes." "And you sense no guilt anywhere in this room?" "No, but Betazoids cannot read Ferengis." "Quark has reason to feel guilty, but he usually doesn't resort to petty theft to fleece his clients." "Thank you." "Wait a minute." "Empty your pockets now." "When did you join Starfleet?" "That's my brooch." "But how did you know?" "Dopterians are distant relatives of the Ferengi." "Since you couldn't read Quark you might not be able to read this fellow either." "How perfectly brilliant of you." "Doctor... I want to know everything there is to know about your Security Chief." "Computer, is the diagnostic on the fusion power plant finished?" "Affirmative." "The fusion power plant is operating within normal parameters." "What are you talking about?" "It's 13% below normal." "Cardassian specifications accept operating efficiency within 20%." "Well, I don't." " Anara." " Yes, sir." "How much do you know about carbon reaction chambers?" "I've learned the basics about laser-induced fusion." "It's an inefficient system." "I'd trade it in for a Federation model if I could, but it's all we've got." "Keep an eye on the exhaust plasma temperature." "Computer, increase deuterium flow by five percent to reaction chamber two." "Procedure is not recommended." "I've had enough of your opinions." "Just do it!" "Procedure is not recommended." "Consult Cardassian operational guidelines paragraph 254-A, now on screen." "I don't want to read your manual." "Fine, we'll do it ourselves." "Reinitialising reactor two." "Directing plasma flow to conduits 143, 144..." "The power flow from reactor two has been shut down." "What?" "Computer, analyse reactor two failure." "Reactor two was shut down after sensors detected a potential overload of the carbon reaction chambers." " That's the straw!" " Relax, Chief. lt's just a computer." "This is no computer." "This is my archenemy." "You've got it working just fine." "As an engineer, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror, if I allowed it to perform as it is now." " l'll have to do a root canal." " Root canal?" "It's engineering shorthand, sir." " l'll have to rebuild it." " How long will that take?" "I'm not that familiar with Cardassian technology, but no more than two, three years." "That's a lot of man-hours." " ls it necessary?" " You don't understand..." "Let's just say I don't have your sensitivity to the computer." " OK." "Forget it." " Chief... lt's all right." "It doesn't matter." "Do what you have to do." "Thank you, sir." "I'll get right on it." "And this is Ops." "The heart and soul of Deep Space 9." "There you are, Commander." "Gentlemen, Madam Ambassador." "They insisted on seeing operations, sir." "Of course." "Make yourselves at home." "I trust that Doctor Bashir has been taking care of you." "He refuses to change my accommodations." "Accommodations?" "If I have to sleep another night on a Cardassian bed with gargoyles staring at me from the wood poles..." "Commander." "An unidentified vessel is coming through the wormhole." "On screen." "Excuse me." "You'll get a better view from over here." "Quite a sight, isn't it?" " That's it?" "That's the whole thing?" " Yes, it is." "I was expecting more, somehow." "Scanners aren't picking up any life-forms on board." " A probe?" " Might be." "I'm reading an extensive computer array, but nothing to suggest it's in contact with the mother ship." "Are the computers compatible with ours?" "It's hard to tell. I don't recognize any subprocessor patterns." "The young woman doesn't have experience." "Perhaps I can..." "The "young woman" over there has over 300 years experience, Ambassador." "I might have better luck in the docking ring." "No, not until we know more about it." " Tow it to 500 metres off the docking ring." " Sir." "Set up an adaptive interface link and download information." "Aye, sir." "I think it will be best if we clear this area." "This probe may represent contact with a new species." "It would be appropriate for a Federation ambassador to be present at this occasion, and as I am interested in First Contact... I appreciate your interest, and to keep you all informed, I'm scheduling a briefing at 04:00." "Now, Dr Bashir, the best place to view this probe is from the docking ring near port seven." "I'll show them the way." "Such concentration." "Such intensity, such passion for your work." "Tracking intergalactic malefactors." " Most people find it rather tedious." " Tedious?" "No, those of us who have been beneficiaries of your heroism would never call your work tedious." "We've learned that on this station, you are the thin, beige line between order and chaos." "That's my job." "Now, what can I do for you?" "You haven't lost anything else, I hope." "Only my heart." "I beg your pardon?" "is... ls Odo your first or last name?" "Yes." " Then I can just call you...?" " Odo." "It has a certain lyrical quality." " Lyrical?" " Odo... lt rolls off the tongue." "I have a lot of work to do." " l understand you're a shape-shifter." " That's correct." "I've never been with a shape-shifter." ""Been with?"" "I've heard that you're the only one of your kind." "So far." "All the men I've known have needed to be shaped, moulded, and manipulated, and finally I've met a man who knows how to do it himself." "is that the com?" "I think it is." "I've got to get to Ops." "lnitiating high-resolution scan." "Memory nodes located." "Proceeding with data transfer." "Yeah, there you go." "Who would have thought?" "You seem surprised." "I thought I'd have had to reconfigure the whole emulator module to make it compatible with the probe, but it's cooperating for once." "Transfer of data is complete." "Well done, computer." "Computer, run standard code translations on probe data." "Isolate syntax results." "Processing." "Stand by." "Come in." "Yes, Odo." "Commander, I have a problem." " Quark again?" " No, sir." "This one is named Lwaxana." " Lwaxana Troi, the Ambassador?" " That's her." "There was an incident that I helped her with, and now she's... grateful." "What's the problem?" "The manner in which she expresses her gratitude." "To be honest, Commander, she seems interested in me." "What's wrong with that?" "She's extremely aggressive." "I see." "So she's after you." "Like a Wanoni tracehound." "Have you thought of letting her catch you?" " Sir?" " A little romance, Odo." "I have six pylons that need a complete security sweep." "I don't have time for romantic interludes." "Frankly, in my humble opinion, you humanoids spend too much time on your respective mating rituals." "It helps the procreation of one's species." "Procreation does not require changing how you smell or writing bad poetry, or sacrificing various plants to serve as tokens of affection." "In any event, it's all irrelevant to me." "I'm sorry to hear that." "I would appreciate it if you would do something about her." " Me?" " Just tell her to leave me alone." "You can handle thieves and killers but not one Betazoid woman?" "I understand thieves and killers." " l don't understand her." " l can't help you, Odo." "I'm trying to avoid a diplomatic incident." " l don't want to insult the Ambassador." " A reasonable concern." "I suggest you handle the matter with great delicacy." "I don't handle delicacy very well." "The probe appears to be made out of some sort of corundium alloy." "Analysis of all subprocessor modules is complete." "Already?" "On screen." "Lieutenant?" "No science modules, no communications system, and enough computer capacity to run a Galaxy-class starship." "It's very odd." "That's a lot of computer hardware to navigate a probe." "Anything?" "Nothing to suggest the probe's mission or any hint of its origin." "Ah!" "There you are, Odo!" "Have you ever been on the fourth moon of Andevian II?" " Can't say I have." " l have a wonderful holoprogram." "I've reserved a suite for us with Quark." "You told Quark we were going into a holosuite?" "Of course." "He's preparing a picnic basket for us." "Good Lord. I'm not available." "I have to get to upper pylon three." " Madam Ambassador..." " Lwaxana." "Upper pylon three." "I've always wanted to see an upper pylon." "I'll have Quark send one of his minions with our basket." " We'll have our picnic up there." " Madam Ambassador..." " Lwaxana." " l don't eat." "This is not a real mouth." "It is an approximation of one." "I do not have an oesophagus, a stomach or a digestive system." "I am not like you." "Every 16 hours, I turn into a liquid." "I can swim." "Computer?" "Computer!" " Odo to Ops." " Go ahead, Odo." "Ambassador Troi and I are stuck in turbolift 7." "What's going on?" "Power to the pylon turbolifts has failed." "We're reading a turbolift failure, Odo." "We'll beam you out." "Locking on." "Prepare to transport." " Ready." " Energising." "Well?" "Looks like the transporter is down, too." "But don't worry." "We'll get it repaired right away." "Dax to Chief O'Brien." "Please report to Ops immediately." "Odo, we'll get you out of there soon." "Alone at last." "Electromotive coil functions, normal." "Load detection functions, normal." "Diagnostic, complete." "I don't get it." "Every component of the turbolift power net seems to be operational." "There's nothing wrong with the transporter." "Great." "Everything's in working order but nothing's working." "How can they get out?" "On a starship, I'd re-route the power flow quickly." " Here, there's no telling how long it'll take." " Get it started." " Kira to Odo." " Yes, Major?" "You'll have to stay put for a while." " Define "a while"." " l wish I knew." "Cardassian turbolifts run exposed, multi-phased alternating currents through their mechanisms, so don't try to shape-shift your way out." "I wouldn't think of it." "Besides, it wouldn't be polite." "I didn't hear that." "It wouldn't be polite." "Understood." "Kira out." "Do you suppose that we're actually in any danger?" "Not if we remain calm." "Then we might as well enjoy ourselves." "We can take the opportunity to get to know each other." "I'd really prefer to pass the time quietly." " Quietly." "Of course." " Thank you." "The quiet man." "I've always been attracted to quiet men." "Odd, isn't it?" "Maybe there's more truth than we realize to that old axiom that op..." "Quietly." "Odo." "Yes?" "I don't think I can." "Can what?" "You don't have to say another word as long as we're here, but I think I really need to talk." "I understand." " There's nothing to be afraid of." " Of course not." " No, things could be much worse." " Really?" "My daughter and I were once trapped aboard a cargo ship." "It was dreadful." "All right, it wasn't actually dreadful." "It was mildly lamentable, and it was all because of that loathsome DaiMon." "Actually, he wasn't altogether loathsome." "He was just slightly repulsive." "But he did have a certain charm... in an insufferable kind of way." "He was totally at the mercy of his uncontrollable passion for me, which means he wasn't all bad now, doesn't it?" "And you know, it wasn't all passion." "There was some negligible commercial interest involved, but all the passion, that was perfectly real, and kind of sweet in a way." "He was so helpless." "At first, it was totally a question of expediency when I made love with him." "What are you looking at?" "Nothing." "I was just wondering how many volts are in that exposed circuit." "Go on." "Frankly, by the time one thing led to another..." "Think of it as an opportunity." "A friendly ambassador may be at the right place to help you." "Another hour with them could destroy me." "It's a simple job." "Just keep them happy and away from me." "Simple?" "Nothing makes them happy." "They are dedicated to being unhappy and to spreading that unhappiness." "They are the Ambassadors of Unhappy." " All of us have had these assignments." " Have you?" "Curzon Dax used to take perverse pleasure in assigning me to take care of vip guests." " So now you do the same to me." " Exactly." "May I ask, sir, when you graduated from this sort of assignment?" "The day I hit one of the guests." "Hit one... lt was over his attempt to coax an ensign to his quarters... against her will." "But... don't hit one of them, Doctor." "I'm not nearly as understanding as Curzon was." "Yes, sir." "Commander, can I talk to you?" " lt's about the computer." " Still giving you problems?" "No, it's not." "It re-routed the power flow in an hour." "How soon can we get Odo and the Ambassador out?" "We can't. lt didn't activate the turbolift circuits." "Don't ask me why." "You must have some idea of what's wrong." "Listen to something." "Computer, analyse Ops 0-2 sensor readings." "All sensors read between 14.3 and 14.4 KSC." "Computer, restart all shield generator subsystems." "Shield generator subsystems set to active status." "Reading 98.3% efficiency." "Do you hear it?" " Hear what?" " The voice." " lt's not the same." " lt sounds like the computer." "When you work with a computer a lot, you get to know it." "They're all different." "Working with the Enterprise computer was like dancing a waltz." "With this computer, it's been like a wrestling match, till we started downloading the probe." "You think a programme from the probe is influencing our computer?" "It's got to be more than just a programme." "The computer's whole personality has changed." "It's not resisting any commands, offering any opinions, giving any arguments, and there's this one other crazy thing I'm almost afraid to mention." "What's that?" "Every time I leave, something happens to bring me back." " Bring you back?" " To the computer." "Like the failures to the turbolifts and the transporters." "I was working at the transporter pad and the com lines went down." "When I broke for a quick bite to eat, we had a replicator failure." "It's almost like the computer doesn't want me to leave it alone." "You almost make it sound like a child." "Station Log, supplemental." "Odo and Ambassador Troi remain trapped in turbolift four." "As of yet, we have been unable to ascertain what is causing the station's computer to malfunction." "What if it's some kind of nonbiological life-form we've never seen before?" "Nonbiological?" "It all comes down to how we define life-form." "Just as biological organisms have evolved in our cultures, mechanical life could have done the same in others." "You're suggesting someone left a baby at our doorstep?" "Possibly." "Do you think we can communicate with it?" "We already have." "It's part and parcel of our computer now." "It may not be capable of direct communication." "We haven't seen any evidence that it is sentient." "Maybe more like a stray puppy that's attached itself to you, Chief." "It's disabling our station." "We've got to get it out of there." "It came here when we downloaded the probe's files." "If we upload those same files back to the probe, it might go with them." "What if it's fully integrated itself into our computer?" "I don't think it has." "That would make it more like a virus." "It's not trying to overwrite our control networks or to destroy our systems." "It's more likely that it creates connections with active areas of the computer." "Almost as though it's feeding off the computer's energy." "Transferring all of its programming off the station might just solve our problems." "How long since we had any communication from Odo?" "Com lines have been down over 90 minutes." "He's been in there almost four hours now." "Do you know the schedule of his regenerative cycle?" "My God, I have no idea, but if he doesn't get back to his pail in time..." "Subspace emitter aligned." "Outgoing data stream activated." "Computer, upload all probe command sequences back to probe's computer." "Stand by." "Unable to complete requested function." "Please abort and retry." "Reset subspace emitter." "Reinitialise data stream." "Receptors open." "Control relays activated." "Upload all probe command sequences back to probe's computers." "Stand by." "It's not as easy as I thought it would be." "is it just the lights or the heat, too?" "I didn't bring any warm clothes." "I'm sure it's just temporary." "I've been reading the reports of your Chief of Operations, Doctor." "They gave me the impression that he was a competent engineer." "Chief O'Brien?" "One of the best in Starfleet." "Then why aren't the backup systems functioning?" "Out here on the edge of the frontier it's just one adventure after another." "Why don't I escort you all back to your quarters, where l'm sure we can all wait this one out?" "But enough about me." "Enough about me." "Tell me about yourself." "I'm really a private man." "Yes, of course you are." "is that hair real?" "It is real in that it is me." "It is not real hair." "How did you do your hair?" "It took a great deal of practice." "You studied hairstyles?" "If you must know, I imitated the hairstyle of the Bajoran man who was assigned to me." "Assigned?" "To study me at the research centre." "He was a scientist." "You mean that's how you grew up?" "In a laboratory?" "I did not grow up as you think of it." "It was merely a transition from what I used to be to what I learned to become." "It sounds very lonely to me." "I was always very self-sufficient." "I'm sure you had to be... to survive being so different from everyone else." "Odo to Ops." "Com lines are still down." "I don't know what's taking so long." "Are you sure you're all right?" "You look warm." "It's nothing. I'm fine." "I can't imagine how it must have been." "If it bothers you to talk about this..." "Not at all." "What was it like?" "I guess you could say I was the life of the party." " l don't think I understand." " My way of trying to fit in." "I found I could be entertaining." ""Odo, be a chair." l'm a chair." ""Odo, be a razorcat." l'm a razorcat." "Life of the party." "I hate parties." "Perhaps you've been going to the wrong ones." "Come to one of mine, Odo." "I'll make sure that all the guests are there to entertain you." "No, you're not well." "No, it's fine. lt's just a... I told you I turn into a liquid every 16 hours." "Well, I'm in hour 15." " Ready, Commander." " How long do you expect it to take?" "We should be able to transfer the probe's files to the isolinear rods in under 60 seconds." "Let's do it." "Computer, run a level-1 diagnostic of all power systems on board." "Requested function will require 43 minutes." "Stand by." "Computer, give me an analysis of all Cardassian traffic along the border." "Processing long-range sensors." "Stand by." "Computer, create a historical database for all known wormhole activity." "lndicate time parameters." "All known occurrences." "Requested function will require subspace link-up." "In that case, create a subspace link with Nehru Colony," "New France Colony, and Corado I Transmitter Array." "Attempting link-up." "Stand by." "Computer, access musical files in the Bajor master data banks and create a concert program of Bajoran serenas." "Stand by." "Unable to..." "Stand... I'm reading a huge plasma surge in the habitat ring." "Tell Commander Sisko that the probe briefing must be held on schedule." " Lights or no lights." " l will surely pass that on." "We've got a plasma explosion in corridor H-12-A, guest quarters." "Fire suppression systems aren't coming on line." "I'm reading four life-forms." "Major, you're with me." "Chief, we'll need manual fire gear." "Phasers at maximum." "Toranium inlay, Cardassian design." "We need a bipolar torch to get through it." "Tell Ops it's going to take us a while to get inside." "If the fire suppression systems are off line we'll lose our people in there." "It's not paying any attention to me." "I guess it just doesn't want to leave, like a scared puppy." "We have no idea how long that probe was tumbling through space with that life-form alone on board." "It's sort of like shutting up a puppy in a room." "If I'd locked up my pup, he'd have scratched forever at the door to get out." "What do you mean?" "Pups don't like to be left alone." "They like attention." "This one is certainly getting a lot of it." "So it's no wonder it doesn't want to leave." " How is that going to help us?" " Everything we've seen suggests that this entity likes to feed off the energy of an active computer." "We've been trying to separate it from what it thrives on." " We've got to do the exact opposite." " The exact opposite?" "Lieutenant, I've got to build a doghouse." "Odo to Ops." " Odo out." " Odo, turn around." "I can't." " lt's beginning." " lt's all right." "You don't understand." "No one has ever seen me like this before." "Not even the scientist who was assigned to you?" "That was different." "It was only research to him." "But you don't have to be ashamed with me." "I'm not ashamed." "It's a private matter, that's all." "How can I make it easier for you?" "You can't. I'm fine." "What's that?" "My hair." "No one's ever seen me like this." "Why?" "It looks fine." "It looks ordinary." "I've never cared to be ordinary." "Even we non-shape-shifters have to change who we are once in a while." "You are not at all what I expected." "No one's ever paid me a greater compliment." "I cannot hold my shape any longer." "Let go." "I'll take care of you." "We need portable oxygen and get anything to treat plasma burns." "Have a runabout ready to evacuate these people to Bajor if we need to." "Anara?" "The subprogramme is ready, Chief." "Computer, analyse subprogramme labelled "Pup"." "Requested subprogramme is a series of bi-directional data transfer and monitoring commands." "Re-route all main computer backup functions through this subprogramme." " All backup functions re-routed." " Great." "OK, computer." "Now, listen carefully." "I want to transfer all probe command sequences out of core memory and into the subprogramme Pup." "Stand by." "Transfer complete." "Dax to Sisko." "Fire suppression is responding." "All systems are back on line." "Can you get in?" "We're in, Dax." "Stand by." "We'd better advise Starfleet Command." "Are you all right?" "Here, take my hand, Madam Ambassador." "Watch your head." "Please, Julian." "Call me Taxco." " Ambassador, are you all right?" " Yes, thanks to Julian." "The doctor was remarkably calm and logical for a man of his years under such severe conditions." "We'll be putting him in for a commendation." "Nice work, Dr Bashir." "Just in the right place at the right time, sir." "Well, it's about time." "I know that wasn't exactly what you had in mind for your picnic." "When it comes to picnics, the only thing that really matters is the company." "Your sensitivity and discretion are appreciated." "Next time you see me, I'll give you a lot more to appreciate." "How did you beat that thing in the computer, Chief?" "I didn't." " He adopted it." " Adopted it?" "I was able to get our friend into a subprogramme." "We leave it in there?" "Why not?" "It's happy." "It's not bothering us anymore." "It seems the humane thing to do." "It's just another new life-form visiting the station." "I'll take care of it." "Make sure it gets enough attention and all." " Keep it off the furniture." " Yes, sir."