"I genuinely can't get over how nervous I am." "It's my fourth DVD, in the BIoomsbury Theatre." "It's called In Concert." "You're watching it." "Good, right, Iet's go, shall we?" "(applause and cheering)" "Ladies and gentlemen, it's an honour and a privilege to be here, I imagine." "Yeah, well done me." "I went out earlier for a coffee, someone said, "Are you Jimmy Carr or do you just look like Jimmy Carr?"" "I said, "Both."" "You know when you go to a friend's house for the first time, and they say, "Did you find it OK?"" "What are you meant to say?" ""No, I'm still lost."" "A Iot of people think I'm posh." "Who thinks I'm posh?" " (Audience) Yeah!" " well, compared to you, yes!" "But I'm not as posh as people think." "I actually went to one of the roughest colleges in Cambridge." "Fame is weird." "I'm at a very weird level of fame now where people come up and say hello in the street." "It's very flattering, but then they insult me when they're talking to me." "They'II say things like, "You're not as fat as you look on TV."" ""What d'you mean, not as fat?"" "This is my favourite." "They go, "You're actually quite funny."" "They're saying, "Imagine my surprise, you're not totally fucking shit."" "So, I'm flattered they've said hello, but angry they've insulted me." "So, I'm angry and flattered." "Weird emotions to have at the same time, so I try and do the same thing back." "I say, "well, you're a super little cunt."" "I keep on getting mistaken for alan Carr." "So, what I've done is, I've stopped sucking men off." "(applause)" "That was my hand symbol for no more cock." "I don't quite know what that round of applause was for." "Was that you thinking, "Funny joke,"" "or, "homosexuality's just about willpower"?" "people often ask, "What were you Iike at school?"" "So, I tell them, "I was a little black girl."" "There's about half of you laughing, half of you thinking, "Was he?"" "You would never know." "Wetting your bed is embarrassing as a child." "But as an adult, wetting a child's bed is mortifying." "It's almost impossible to explain that shit away." "well, it's early on in the evening, Iet's try some easy jokes to start with." "Good luck." "I was in the south of France." "I saw a Brownie on a school trip." "She was holding up a book." "It said, "Rough Guide."" "I thought, "Yeah, she's not a looker."" "That's the easiest joke in the show." "If you don't get that, you might as well fuck off now, mate." "3%%% of Britons never leave a tip, and they're known as the weirdoes that live at the tip." "I saw a headline." "It said, "Britain faces crisis."" "I thought, "What, we're running out of faces?"" "When someone recommends a book to me and they say, "It's a page turner,"" "I always think, "Yeah, I know how books work."" "I bought a home pregnancy kit." "It turns out my house is pregnant." "We're thrilled, we're having a shed." "I got interviewed last week by a nice young lady." "She said, "What's your house like?" I said, "I've got a semi."" "Which would've been fine, but then I showed it to her." "And of course, by then, it wasn't a semi." "If you ask ten randomly chosen women how often they wash their knickers, a surprising number answer, "How did you get in here?"" "Treat them mean, keep them keen, that's what they say, isn't it?" "But I think you've gone too far if you're using a stanley knife." "A Iot of women stay with their men even if their men hit them." "A Iot of women stay with their husbands even if their husbands beat them." "They need a slap." "Where's your seIf-esteem?" "silly cow!" "She was tiny." "What people never say about domestic violence, and it strikes me as very obvious, but people never say this about domestic violence, just how fucking stupid it is." "I mean, you're hitting your wife!" "It's your wife!" "You might as well key your own fucking car." "Think about it!" "You don't like her now, you're not gonna like her any more with two black eyes and a bit of a face on, are you?" "There are places in the country where that's just a joke." "I did that joke in Preston, it was like marriage guidance." "It got a round of applause." "I thought it was a round of applause, it was actually people hitting their wives." "When I was a kid, I was scared of the dentist." "He was a paedophile." "(applause)" "I suppose that begs the question, "How many fillings did he give me?"" "(Audience groans)" "I believe each and every child should be given a chance, and that's why, if they can guess the number I'm thinking of, I let them go." "Is anyone in from round the country?" "You from London?" "Where are you from?" "(Woman) LiverpooI!" "(Man) Essex!" " Where are you from, sir?" " (Man) Doncaster." "You're from Doncaster, and you're down here just for the lights." "You'II be back and telling people, "I was inside, it was like a cave..." ""but it was like daytime at night."" ""CouIdn't make head nor tail."" "(Man) candles." "candles?" "Yes, they're like candles." "well done you." "It's lovely to have you." "Now fuck off back." "(Woman) New zealand." "New zealand?" "How's it going over there, is it all right?" " (Man) Not bad." " You still having that problem with Saruman and his Orc army?" "I dunno." " (Woman) Harrow." " hello." "Sorry, did you just go, "hello", at the end?" "Where are you from, madam?" " (Man) Dartford." " Dartford." "You sound like a man." "Where are you from, madam?" "(Deep voice) Dartford." " (Woman) Harrow!" "I'm..." " Haw-wow?" "Sorry, that's like a horrible racist joke from the '70s." "Hawwow!" "Hawwow to you!" " I'm from Sevenoaks." " What, sorry?" "I'm from Sevenoaks." "You're from Sevenoaks but you said hello." "That wasn't me." "That wasn't you." "Why are you talking then?" "I don't understand." "Who said that?" ""Not me, I'm from Sevenoaks."" "What do you do, madam?" " I'm a student." " What are you studying?" " Drama." " Drama?" "really?" "I always say the same thing." "Whenever I meet a drama student, an aspiring actress or actor," "I always say the same thing to any aspiring actor or actress I meet." "I always say, "I'II have a coffee, please."" "I was in newcastle recently." "I was in a cab in newcastle and the cab driver said to me," "(Geordie accent) "There's no red light district in newcastle." That's how they talk." "If you were in newcastle for the weekend, it's disconcerting, because you think," ""Is everyone trying to start a sing-song and I just don't know the words?"" ""There's no red light district in newcastle."" "I hadn't asked, incidentally." "I hadn't got in a cab in newcastle and said, "Take me to the prostitutes, my good man."" "No, just apropos of nothing, this bloke went to me," ""There's no red light district in newcastle."" "I didn't say anything, cos he was a big bloke, but I did think to myself, "I tell you why, no need."" "Have you been to newcastle?" "Two Bacardi Breezers and the deal is done." "It's the kind of town where if you've got money for chips, guess what, great news, you're not going home on your own." "That was a nice little smile there." "Just as if to say, "tell you what I Iike, chips and cock."" "Good on you!" "You know in Big Brother when they swear, they play in that birdsong?" "I've got so used to that that now, when Springwatch is on," "I think the badgers are calling bill Oddie a cunt." "I had a friend come round to my house the other day, distressed and distraught, he was nearly in tears, a grown man." "He said, "I've got a lump on my testicle."" "I said, "That'II be your other testicle."" "I got stopped earlier by one of those charity muggers." "You know, the ones in the high street, with the clipboard and the optimism." "He stopped me and said, "If you give £5 a month, no children will get hurt."" "It's like a fucking protection racket, isn't it?" "Speaking of charity, though, the largest charitable contribution in human history was made last year." "An American man gave away $32 billion." "He was some kind of wall Street financier, gave away $32 billion to the Third world." "What an incredible, selfless, wonderful thing to do, but spare a thought for his children." "How annoyed would you be?" ""You've done what, Dad?"" ""Oh, for fuck's sake!"" ""So, you're telling me, the only way I'm gonna get my inheritance now" ""is if I move to Africa and get AIDS?" ""Livid!"" "Have a guess, ladies and gentlemen, how much I give every year to animal charities." "(Man) 5p." "(Man) Twenty grand." "(Woman) Hundreds of thousands." "Ha-ha!" "Do you even know who I am?" "That's fucking optimistic." "(Man) Fuck all!" "Fuck all is exactly right." "I realise some other people said nothing, but nothing is not the same as fuck all." "Giving nothing to an animal charity would be, "I'm sorry, I forgot."" "Fuck all is much more, "Uh-uh-uh!" ""No."" "I'II tell you why I give fuck all to animal charities, it's cos there are charities out there for sick and dying children." "I don't give anything to them either, but it's the principle of the thing." "Those are the charities I don't give to first." "You know why they raise all that cash to dig wells in Africa?" "So when they're finished, they can throw money in and wish for food." "(applause)" "I know you think that's offensive, but it's not when you compare it to this." "The Make A Wish Foundation." "Are you all familiar with the fine work the Make A Wish Foundation do?" "broadly speaking, they make dreams come true for the terminally ill." "What could be more worthwhile?" "They're a great organisation." "I thoroughly approve of what they do." "My only problem with them is the name." "I think they should be forced to change their name, from the Make A Wish Foundation, to the No, Make Another Wish, We Can't Do Anything About That Foundation." "Speaking of which, did you all see that heartbreaking story in the Mirror newspaper last year?" " (Man) Yeah." " They ran a campai..." "Are you showing off to the other children?" "Are you pretending you can read?" "By heartbreaking story, do you mean the tits on page three?" " What, sorry?" " ..in their semi." "What-an-faf-an-faffa." "I'm fine for fruit and veg, thank you." "I presume that's what he's talking about." "Woy-oy-oy!" "It's nice that you're here, though." "It's a night off for someone, isn't it?" "Now, talking about the Make A Wish people, did you see the story in the Mirror last year?" "It was about a five-year-oId boy who needed a new kidney, or he'd die and the Mirror ran a six-week campaign about this." "I'II tell you the good thing first." "That five-year-oId boy is now six, he got the kidney and he made it, thanks in no small part to the Mirror newspaper - well done them, yeah?" "But, talk about tugging the heartstrings," "last Christmas, they printed his Christmas list in the paper, and the kidney was on the list." "Fourth." "Fourth!" "There were things he wanted more!" "Number three was a little Britain DVD." "I don't wanna sound tight-fisted, but I'd have got him that." "There you go, mate, you'II piss yourself." "(applause)" "I'II get someone to explain what kidneys do after the show." "I was at a party, chatting to a guy." "He said, "What does your girlfriend do?"" "I said, "Anything but anal."" "I'm joking." "She loves it." "I'm in a Iong-term relationship, but I'm not married." "Is anyone else in that situation?" "Quite a few, but you're timid about saying, because, Iike me, you'II know, if you're in a Iong-term relationship, everyone, friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances, everyone feels they can stir it up a bit." "As soon as anyone hears, they go, "Have you thought about..."" ""You two, have you thought about..."" "Trying to start an argument between us." "I think it's very rude." "So, whenever anyone says to me, "Have you thought about..." ""Thought about..." ""Thought about..."" "I always go, "What, putting a third finger in?"" "I couId give it a go." "I'm not sure it's what the relationship is missing." "Maybe try the shocker." "Two in the pink, one in the stink, that's how that works." "Sorry, too much?" "Two in the goo, one in the pooh." "There!" "Nicer for everyone." "I don't know what conversation that prompted there." "I imagine that was you, madam, turning to him thinking, "glad it's not just you."" "I had a woman come up to me after a show in Tunbridge wells." "She said, "I found that shocker thing very uncomfortable."" "Now, I knew what she meant..." "But I couldn't help myself." "I said, "Lubricant."" "I tried some Viagra recently." "Has anyone else tried it?" " (Man) Yes." " You have." "well, I admire your honesty there, sir." "I tried it cos you can now get over the counter Viagra." "I thought, "That sounds powerful."" "Over the counter, you say?" "Thunk." "Like a fucking cosh!" "Did you read the instructions when you tried it, sir?" " I didn't." " You didn't?" "I did." "I take this seriously, cos it's a medication." "Even though it's a fun medication, it is a medication." "I was reading..." "On the instructions for Viagra, it says, "Keep away from children."" "I thought, "What kind of a man do they think I am," ""that can't maintain an erection with a child?"" "(applause)" "In fact, a child has applauded that." "Very loudly." "See that, that's a child in the green T-shirt." "You are a child, going, "Yes!"" "finally, someone that can get hard with me." "You fucking maniac!" "How old are you, sir, d'you mind me asking?" " I'm 1 4." " You're 1 4." "Right, I can't talk to you any longer, it wouId be grooming." "Are you here with your mum?" "Aw!" "Mummy's little bender." "Aw, I Iike it." "I Iike it." "I Iike it." "The man from the telly talk to me." "I'II be checking in with you in a bit." "well, that brings me neatly onto the next bit of material." "Who here's got kids?" " (Audience) Yeah." " Kind of, was that?" "What, sorry?" "AII right, Jimmy..." "What?" " (unintelligible shout)" " What?" "What was that?" "You chipped in with something." " (Man) I said, "Go on, Jimmy!"" " You said, "Go on, Jimmy!"" " Yes." " ironically, slowing things down." "Do you often do that - stop people in the street and go, "On with your day"?" "I just stopped you to tell you to continue." "I don't have kids, but I've got friends that have kids, that are five and six years of age, I go round to the house, I get introduced." "They say, "This is Jimmy, he's a comedian." "It's a bit like a clown."" "I go, "It fucking isn't!"" "And they say, "Shh, don't swear in front of the kids."" "Then they'II say, "would you Iike to hear a joke?" and the little kid'II go, "Yes."" "And I'm expected to perform." "So I say, "When I was a kid, I was scared of the dentist."" "You would not believe the upset." ""What's a paedophile?"" "Come 'ere, I'II show ya." "So, what I've done, so I've got some jokes for kids," "I've rewritten some children's jokes." "You'II know the original, shout out if you do." "What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?" "(Audience) A woolly jumper." "I've gone for a genetic aberration that's an insult to both God and man." "Where does the policeman live?" " 999 Letsbe Avenue." " exactly right." "I've gone for nowhere, he's been replaced by an under-trained and poorly equipped community support officer." "Not that I'm having a go at community support officers - they do valuable work." "Without them, how would we know where the nearest cashpoint is?" " There's one here." " There's one here." "What, a cashpoint?" "Thanks very much." "Are you a community support officer?" "hello." "How are you?" "You all right?" "Where's your beat?" " Leyton." " East London?" "You're a community support officer in East London?" "You're having a fucking laugh!" "Don't go out there without a gun." "Is it fun?" "I imagine it's quite a good job, is it?" " It's not bad." " It's not bad, it's all right." " well done you." " Thank you." "There's some jokes about coppers coming up." "Remember, they don't apply to you, cos you're not a real one." "(Mouths)" "(Laughs)" "Why is it difficult to play cards in the jungle?" "(Audience) Too many cheetahs." "No, it's deforestation." "Cheetahs are actually endangered, so that's quite insensitive, sir." "What do you call a donkey with three legs?" "(Audience) Wonky!" "glue." "Just be honest with yourselves." "If you've got a donkey with three legs, you're gonna take a picture on the camera phone and then melt that fucker down!" " What's brown and sticky?" " A stick." "anal." "This next one's a bit different." "It's funny, which is important, but it's also educational." "It teaches kids about the alphabet and also social issues which can be difficult to discuss with the under-fives." "Why did the H kill himself?" "Because the G had." "Right, last one of these." "What's yellow and dangerous?" "(Woman) Shark-infested custard." "Shark-infested custard, or the discharge from my cock." "I'm joking." "It's probably fine." "It just smells weird." "I get reviewed a Iot, ladies and gentlemen." "journalists come to the show and write a piece." "I'II look at it and think, "That's nice." Then you look at it again later, and think, "You could take that in two ways."" "I'II read some reviews - see if you think I'm paranoid." "The Times said of this show, "He couldn't be funnier."" "The Guardian said, "There's funny, then there's Jimmy Carr."" "Is that a good thing?" ""Catch him before he gets massive."" "I was doing a gig in hull." "It was the second day on the tour in hull." "On the front of the theatre they wrote in massive letters," ""Due to public demand, he's back for one night only."" "Doesn't that make it sound like the public got together and said, "There's only so much of this bullshit we're gonna stand for."" "We all say stupid things from time to time." "I was chatting to a friend of mine, Peter, at a wedding." "He was saying how much he wanted children." "These are his exact words." "He said, "We'd love to have kids but infertility runs in my family."" "If you don't get that, you should be sterilised." "My uncle said, "I can't be arsed to get me prostate checked."" "That's an almost Zen-Iike stupidity." "That's so stupid, it's almost brilliant." "It's like those big matrix signs you get above the motorway - the big matrix signs that say, "This sign is not in use."" "And you find yourself thinking, "Hang on, if that's true, how do I know that?"" "Of course, I'm guilty of a fair amount of fuckwittery myself." "I'm often putting my foot in it, getting it wrong." "I was at the airport about six months ago, got talking to this guy that plays wheelchair rugby in the paralympics." "I'd just seen a documentary about it called MurderbaII, and I'd seen it on Sky Sports, so I knew something about it." "We got chatting." "Transpired in the conversation," "I didn't know what the "para" in ParaIympics stood for." "Oh, I thought I knew, but I didn't." "I imagine a few of you are in the same situation." "AII have a think about what the "para" stands for." "Stands for is not the right term to use there, actually." "Have you all got something in your heads?" " Any guesses?" " (Man) Spacka." "Spacka?" "It's definitely not spacka." "Any other guesses?" " (Man) ParapIegic." " That was my first guess." "It's not until you say, "ParapIegic olympics" out loud you realise, "It's not that, is it?"" "ParapIegic olympics - hang on, that would just be blow football." " Any other thoughts?" " (Man) Paratroopers." "Paratroopers?" "What, Iike they were all injured during service, and they thought, "We might as well have a sports day, come on."" "No!" "Any other thoughts?" "(Man) ParaIytic." "ParaIytic?" "Yeah, that's it, there's nothing the matter with them, they're just pissed." "They've turned up to the sports day and gone, "What, 1500 metres?" ""You're having a fucking laugh!" "I had a skinful last night, I'II never make it."" "I'II have a sit-down, you can wheel me round." "No!" "although there is a legless gag in there somewhere, but we'II leave it." "Any other thoughts?" " (Woman) paralysed." " No, it's not paralysed either." " (Man) parallel." " parallel is the right answer." "well done, you." "gold star." "Big tick." "Of course it's the parallel olympics." "When I say it, it's obvious, isn't it?" "Cos it's parallel to the normal olympics." "probably shouldn't say normal olympics." "It's a minefield, this." "Which, ironically, is probably how some of them got there." "But it's parallel to the olympics, and it runs in the same city they're holding the olympics in - it's a proper sporting event." "A couple of things, while we're on the subject." "If you're chatting to someone that plays wheelchair rugby in the paralympics, and you're being positive about it, don't at any stage, even if you're joking, don't ever refer to it as being like the real Robot Wars." "He laughed, but there was a definite tension." "also, final thing on this, never get confused between the parallel olympics, the paralympics, and the special olympics." "The ParaIympics is a proper event, the special olympics is the one where they're "all winners"." "although, you try telling that to the bookies when your little fella comes in seventh." "I can see some of you are shifting uncomfortably." "You're thinking, "Can we laugh at this?" Let me just reassure you, during that last bit, no one in a wheelchair has ever walked out." "Now, I don't mind proper graffiti - "Gary has AIDS", "Your mum's a bender" - proper graffiti, but I don't like racism and I don't like racist graffiti, and I've started to fight back." "I saw a bit of graffiti in FeIixstowe, written on a wall, someone had put, "asylum seekers out."" "So, above it I wrote, "asylum seekers in."" "And below it, I wrote, "asylum seekers shake it all about."" "I thought, "That's cheered it up no end."" "That gave me confidence." "I went back to a rough pub near where I Iive in North London - someone's written on the gents' wall, "White power."" "So, across it I've written, "CiIIit Bang."" "I saw a disgraceful piece of graffiti last time I was in Stoke-on-Trent." "Someone had written on a wall, "AII copper's are cunts."" "I thought, "That apostrophe shouIdn't be possessive."" "Not about you." "I saw a brilliant sign on a police station wall." "It said, "Wanted for sex attacks."" "I didn't know there were vacancies!" "I thought, "I should look into that."" "flexible hours, you get to work outdoors, you get to meet new people." "Speaking of violent sexual crime, and I was, the fella in Ipswich last year that was murdering all those prostitutes," "I presume you all read about that in the papers as it was going on." "A really grisly, morbid story, but you can't look away." "I think some of the reporting, as that guy was murdering loads of prostitutes, was very irresponsible." "The News Of The world led with the headline, "The killer is out of control."" "Now, to me, the headline "The killer is out of control"" "implicitly suggests that there is an acceptable number of prostitutes to murder, in any given calendar month." "The problem with this fucking lunatic is, the number he's killing is just not sustainable." "At this rate, we will run out of prostitutes in the Ipswich area, and then where will we be?" "newcastle." "shall we talk about everyone's favourite member of the royal family?" "Prince Harry." "Come on, the little ginger one that dresses as a Nazi." "That's the kind of behaviour we want from our inbred overIords." "Now, Prince Harry was meant to go and fight in Iraq last year, but he couldn't go to Basra last july because he's ginger, he would melt." "So, while the rest of his unit were fighting in Basra, he was found by a British journalist, tracked down to a strip club in Canada." "The journalist went up to him and said, "Are you Prince charles's son?"" "He said, "No."" "It got me thinking, cos he's just got back from Afghanistan, what kind of preparation was that playboy lifestyle for fighting in a war?" "I know what you're thinking - it'd be clearer if someone had juxtaposed strip clubs and war in a poem." "You're in luck." "I have, I've compared and contrasted strip clubs and war in a poem." "It is simply entitled Strip club War." "A little bit of culture for you, ladies and gentlemen." "I will read it for you now." "Strip club War." "Young men getting slaughtered, bazookas everywhere" "Privates standing to attention" "Grabbing their helmets" "Weapons going off" "Sobbing men desperately clawing at gashes" "As bodily fluids dribble out" "Sweethearts back at home wondering if they'II ever see you again" "The number of stiffs growing by the hour" "freshly shaven twats shooting at anything with a beard" "And regretting they'd come" "The next generation spilling out of choppers onto hot barren mounds" "It's more expensive than you think it'II be when you go in" "And the whole thing leaves a mess that'II take years to clean up" "And of course, muslims don't like it" "I blame Bush" "I'd Iike to get to know you all, but it's difficult to get to know a Iot of people in one go." "There's only one of me, there's loads of you." "What I've devised is a method." "moral dilemmas - questions to which there is no absolute wrong or right answer." "Your opinion tells me about who you are as individuals, and who you are as a group." "If everyone joins in, this works." "Everyone say yes." "(AII) Yes." "Everyone say no." "(AII) No." " Everyone say I can think for myself." " (AII) I can think for myself." "OK." "Right, Iet's do a warm-up first." "This doesn't count towards your final score." "Just to get you into the spirit of things, but if everyone could answer straightaway, that'II be great." "Is it acceptable to kill a whale in order to save two pandas?" " (Many) Yes." " (Few) No." "That's about a 90%%% yes, I would say, this evening." " You've thought, "Yeah, fuck it." - (Woman) No!" "Someone going, "No-o-o!"" "No, all right?" "Don't worry, it's not gonna happen." "That's not the finale of the show." "although, I wish I'd thought of that, that'd be fucking brilliant." "The best response I've had to that recently " "I said, "Is it acceptable to kill a whale to save two pandas?"" "Someone went, "Let them fight it out between themselves."" "Now, for better, for worse, this is a question I use to judge an audience, to judge individuals." "If you could all answer, that would be great." "would you fuck your dad to save your mum?" "(Shouting) No!" "I don't know why you're looking so upset." "It's easier for girls." "(Man) He's ugly." "He's ugly." "Imagine that being a factor." "Imagine thinking, "Yeah, I would fuck my dad but he's not a looker."" ""He's let himself go." "Maybe five years ago."" "would you, sir?" " He's there!" " He's there?" "Oh." "Hi." "Is your mum here as well?" "Yeah, she's right there." "brilliant, well, we can actually do a proper test." "Now, I've got snipers all the way round this building, and they're pointing a gun at your mother, yeah?" "We're gonna kill her." "Your mum's been taken hostage, she's gonna be killed." "We would Iike you to bum your dad." " Um, it's difficult." " Yeah, of course it's difficult." "I'm not saying you wouldn't be thumbing in a softie, that's fine." " I say, Iet her die." " You say, Iet her die." "(Audience gasping and booing)" "Sorry, hang on, we're not in norfolk, what are you booing?" "You're booing a man saying, "I wouldn't bum my dad."" "Just take a moment to think about that." "AII right, sir, you've made your decision." "Shh." "Mum, listen to Jimmy!" " What?" " It's all right, Mum." "It's all right, Mum." " Is that your daughter there?" " Yeah." "Same question to you." "(Laughs)" "Oh, I Iove my job!" "At what point did you think as a family, "This'd be a good show to go and see"?" "Never mind that Lion King bullshit." "Let's bring the kids out to see a proper show, where we openly discuss incest." "The best response I've had to that - someone went, "Not again!"" "Sex education is extremely important - telling young kids about the birds and the bees is key." "Three quick things to remember." "firstly, you should know the children you tell." "secondly, there is a level of detail that is considered too graphic - 12-year-oIds don't need to know about rimming and such." "thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, you should only ever tell them." "My friend told me her new boyfriend looked like one of the proclaimers." "I said, "He either looks like both of them or neither of them."" "I Iike it when identical twins stand face to face, because when they do, just for a moment you think, "Ooh, a vase."" "I've got a friend that told me she was scared of dwarfs." "I said, "Are you also scared of normaI-size people when they're far away?"" "If you're a dwarf and you're offended by that, grow up!" "I saw a documentary recently on channel 4 about faith." "In it, someone went, "Of course ScientoIogy is a made-up religion."" "I thought, "As opposed to?"" "One of my favourite things is to get Christians talking about scientology, cos the Christian will go, "ScientoIogists are nutters, they believe in aliens."" "Then you can say to the Christian, "What do you believe in again?"" "It's a benevolent zombie that's coming back to save you, isn't it?" "Good luck with that, that will probably happen." "Has anyone been to belfast?" " (Man) Yes." " Amazing town, very friendly place." "The amazing thing about belfast, they can tell what religion you are just from your name." "I went there with my friend Rabbi lionel." "They just knew." "Have you ever had an argument with someone you really care about about something you couldn't give a fuck about?" "I had an argument with a friend of mine I've known for 15 years, about whether tomatoes are a fruit or a vegetable." "I mean, who cares?" "also, it got me thinking, can't something be both a fruit and a vegetable?" "I mean, what if Graham Norton had a serious accident?" "I realise that is a joke about a homosexual man being spasticated." "In my defence, I did call Graham and check he was fine with that and he was." "although I would add, that was a fucking awkward phone call to make." "Oscar wilde, famously wrongly imprisoned for homosexuality." "At least that's what I thought." "Then I did some further reading." "Turns out he was gay!" "So, fair enough." "rules is rules, come on, you bender." "people say to me, "You're gay, you just don't know you're gay."" "I always think that's gonna come as a horrible shock, isn't it?" "What, at some point, am I just gonna be standing round minding my own business." "What's that in my arse?" "You!" "Someone shouted out the other night, "Gay shirt!"" "I thought, "Oh, no, my shirt's been fucking men in the bum."" "I thought that was a chocolate stain." " (Audience groans)" " I tried to suck it out." "(Audience groans)" "Have you ever been driving along and you've hit a rabbit?" "The worst thing is the noise." "That horrible familiar sound of a hammer hitting a rabbit." "97%%% of all dangerous driving offences are committed by men." "You know what that means?" "It means 3%%% are committed by bloody women drivers!" "You know who you are, you're a fucking menace!" "I don't think speed cameras are fair - who's with me?" " (Audience) Yes!" " If I'm driving home from a gig at midnight, and there's kids playing in the street, they've got bigger problems than me." "well, not any more they haven't, but..." "Let's say I'm driving home from this gig, 12 midnight," "let's say I'm doing 40 in a 30 zone, I get flashed by one of those cameras, how is it fair that my girlfriend gets three points on her licence?" "That doesn't seem fair to me." "She's already got 12 points." "She's going to have to go to jail." "Have you all seen that powerful commercial on television, where the child morphs back to life having been run over?" "That's why you're not allowed to leave the scene of an accident - you miss the best bit." "That advert states if you're doing 40mph and you hit a child, there's an 80%%% chance that child will die." "If you're doing 30mph, there's an 80%%% chance that child will live." "Here's my question." "Where's the ad for swerving?" "That advert is the government going, "Watch out, there's a kid in the road," ""slow down, take the edge off..." "but it must learn its lesson."" "How old did you say you were, sir?" " (Boy) 1 4." " You're 1 4 years old." " Right, what's your name?" " Sam." "Sam, right." "Let's say I'm driving at you, Sam, at, I dunno, 40mph, and you run away at 10mph... that's an aggregate of 30, isn't it?" "You've given yourself a chance of survival, and learned a little something about maths." "It's win-win." "You all right?" "Mm?" "Do you Iike girls yet?" "You probably don't even know you're gay." "Do you know you're gay?" "You do, you're fully aware?" "OK, yeah, yeah, nod." "We haven't got a camera pointing at you or anything." "Enjoy school." "Let's do some improv, ladies and gentlemen." "AII I need are suggestions." "I need a historical figure." "(Woman) NeIson." "nelson." " (Boy) oliver cromwell." " (Woman) Noddy." "oliver Cro..." "Noddy." "Yeah, very much a mixed-abiIity group this evening." "oliver cromwell, Noddy." "(Man) Mother Teresa." "God bless her, an amazing woman." "Very generous with her time, although you do look at her and think," ""A little bit of moisturiser wouldn't have fucking killed you."" "I'm all for helping the poor but just oil of UIay'd take the edge off that." "Fuck me, it's like a saddle bag." "She looks like my balls." "I'm joking, my balls are in significantly better kit...than Mother Teresa's face." "(Man) Henry VIII." "AII right, Iet's go Henry VIII - he's a classic." "Let's go Henry VIII, OK." "AII we know about him was he was a bit..." "shall we say he was aggressive towards women." "He did what, sorry?" " (Man) He shagged loads of women." " He shagged loads of women?" "Yes." "He was the king." "It's not gonna be tricky to get a date, is it?" "Hey, how you doing?" "I'm the king." "Want to see me cock?" "And me "crown jewels"?" "Easy." "OK, so let's go Henry VIII." "Erm, I need an accent." " (people calling out) - (Man) Scouse." " (Man) Peruvian." " Peruvian?" "How optimistic are you?" "!" "(AII shouting at once)" " (Man) AustraIian." " australian, I can do australian." "Ah, yeah." "Ah, yeah, get fucked." "Are there AustraIians in?" "What am I talking about?" "Saturday night, they're working behind a bar." "Of course they are." "OK." "Right, I need a superpower." " (Man) America." " America?" "How is that helping?" "No!" "(Sighs)" "(Man) Rape." "I definitely said superpower, didn't I?" "And you definitely said rape." "The power to rape for good presumably, to prevent crime." "So, someone would've taken hostages, the police would be there, we can't get them out, they're gonna kill the hostages " ""Rapeboy..." ""can you see what you can..."" ""Officer, don't worry, I'II get in there, I'II rape him first..." ""and then I'II rape the other fella," ""and then I'II rape 'em back."" "I don't think rape could really be construed as a superpower." " (Man) The understanding of women." " The understanding of women?" "How old are you, sir?" "You seem jaded before your time." "You're 1 7?" "How can you not understand 1 7-year-oId women?" "AII you need to know is...that." "Bang." "It's easy." "Do you know how to buy cider?" "Cider...wait to ripen and bang... and then off to play on the playstation." "And if you get good enough with the playstation, you can bring her off in about half a minute." " (Man) A bendy cock." " A bendy cock?" "Oh, yeah, that'd be handy, so I can fuck things round corners." "It's like, er, Ion..." "Extra long arms." "Like, extra long arms?" " Big, veiny..." " Like Inspector Gadget." " It's what, sorry?" " Inspector Gadget." "Like Inspector Gadget?" "Have you ever seen an episode of Inspector Gadget?" " It's good." " Yeah, it's good." "I don't think that was Inspector Gadget." "I think you were abused as a child." "I'm just gonna get out my special arm." " Any other superpowers?" " (Woman) Read minds." "I knew you were gonna say that." "Let's go for mind-reading." "Mind-reading sounds like a good power to have." "Henry VIII, australian, mind-reading" " OK." "I need a belief system." " (Man) Buddhism." " Buddhism." " (Man) MusIim." " muslim, yes." "The great thing about islam is they can take a joke." "I think I might leave that one for the farewell tour." "Go out with a bang, so to speak." " Any other belief systems?" " (Man) Creationism." "Creationism's quite good - the crazies that believe everything was built in seven days." "Any creationists in?" "No." "Not really my target audience, people that amazingly naive, God love them, or Americans as we call them." "OK, a creationist Henry VIII, australian accent, superpower, what did we go with?" " (Man) Mind-reading." " I knew that." "You just had to think it and I would've got it." "Hmph!" "OK, finally, I need something you find in a kitchen." " (Man) A woman." " A woman?" "!" "It's not 197 4!" "What do you find in a kitchen?" "A woman!" "She'II have my tea on." " Baked potatoes!" " A wooden spoon!" "(Man) Your mum." "Your mum!" "Who said your mum?" "How old are you?" "Your mum!" "Mum's in the kitchen, she'II make you tea and toast if you're nice." "Mum!" "Your mum!" "That's what we're going for, OK." "Right, so we've got Henry VIII, australian accent, mind-reading, he's a creationist, your mum." "shall we leave it there?" "genuinely?" "That is all the improv I do." "My favourite bit is where people shout out suggestions." "The actual play bit at the end I always think is a bit shit." "I'm always suspicious they might just be making that up." "You actually look disappointed as an audience now." "You're like, "Oh, I thought it was gonna be really good."" "The Aussie Henry VIII and his mum." "(australian accent) Ah, yeah, d'you wanna get married?" "I can read your fuckin' mind." "How shit's that?" "You forgot your mum!" " What, sorry?" " You forgot your mum." "I forgot your mum?" "AII right, there's Henry VIII fucking your mum." "You happy now?" "That's your mum." "You happy?" "Did we miss out your mum?" "Is she getting fucked by the king?" "Ah, yeah, all right, sheila?" "Yeah, take it, you bitch, yeah." "I know you Iike it, I can read your fucking mind." "You happy now?" "You all right now?" "well, that's cheered things up, hasn't it?" "For a moment there that poor man was like," ""Is my mum not gonna get fucked in this?"" "(Laughs)" "unlucky!" "I'm much better when I've prepared stuff." "I was asked last year to write something about being British." "I'd Iike to share it with you now." "What makes Britain great is our ability to laugh at ourselves." "When I say ourselves, I mean other people." "And when I say laugh, I mean invade." "Britain boasts that we're home to the most hard-working, diligent and adaptable workforce in Europe - the poles." " (applause)" " They're bloody good, aren't they?" "Yeah, a round of applause for the poles." "You get right-wing people saying, "These poles come over here taking our jobs."" "If a guy from poland arrives, he doesn't speak the language, doesn't have any money, knows no one, and he takes your job on the first day - you're shit!" "Fuck off!" "I was in a restaurant the other day, it said on the menu, "AII our food is made with love."" "I thought, "I know a chip shop they shut down for doing that."" "I was in a restaurant with a friend, the waiter came up to take the order," "I said, "I'II have the fish of the day," and my mate went, "Oh, I wanted that."" "I'm trying to lose a bit of weight, so I'm eating porridge for breakfast." "Does anyone else eat porridge?" " (A few people) Yes." " It's fucking boring, isn't it?" "I'm, Iike, four spoons in, thinking, "This is actually depressing." ""I wouldn't mind dying."" "I was so bereft of stimulus when I was eating my breakfast the other day," "I read the box of porridge." "It genuinely says on the box of porridge, "No added colouring."" "I thought, "But it's grey!"" "What, do they think I think they might be adding extra grey?" "A Iot of people don't approve of size-zero models, and they're called fat people." "5%%% of toddlers are overweight, and they're called waddIers." "I've got a friend who went to her GP, just for the annual check-up, she was classified by her own GP as being morbidly obese." "Who came up with that term?" "That's so unnecessarily harsh." "MorbidIy obese." "As if she doesn't have enough on her plate." "It sounded sympathetic and then it turns out it was another joke about a big fat fatty!" "Of course, it goes the other way too." "I've got another friend that just lost six stone." "I say she lost six stone, she lost a leg to diabetes." "still, go girl... slowly and carefully." "There is no need to go on a diet." "If anyone's thinking of dieting, there's no need." "AII you've got to do, here's the secret, have a photo of yourself taken holding up a pair of enormous trousers." "It doesn't matter how big you are, everyone thinks you've made a tremendous effort." "Job done." "There's always a shot from the side, as well." "always with a really smug expression of, "Look what a fat cunt I was."" "There are some clues out there as to why we're getting bigger as a nation." "Domino's pizza is a good clue." "It's a simple business - supply and demand." "simple - if we demand something, they'II supply it, they're happy to." "They now make a doubIe-decker pizza." "How did that happen?" "people must've been phoning up, going, "hello, is that Domino's?"" ""Yes, how can I help you?" "I'd Iike a pizza."" ""We get a Iot of that." "What would you Iike as a topping?"" ""I'II have another pizza."" "Of the five fruit and veg you're meant to eat every day," "I think you know you're fat if you count jaffa cakes." "shall we talk about GiIIian mckeith, the woman from You Are What You Eat?" "Begging the question, "What did you eat, the witch from Rentaghost?"" "Some people like her, some people don't." "I think she's a fucking disgrace." "Cos, what does she do for a living?" "She humiIiates women." "She takes a middIe-aged woman who's let herself go a bit, she's a bit plump." "Big-boned." "She's not a danger to shipping." "She's not hurting anyone, and she humiliates her on national television." "initially she goes, "This is what you eat in a week..." ""you fat cow."" "She doesn't say fat cow, but you can see it in her beady little eyes." "Has anyone noticed how that table of food she shows the big fat fatty, is exactly the same as the one Kerry Katona shows us in the iceland ads?" "And then, the pièce de résistance," ""Shit into this."" "What?" "Like it's the most natural thing in the world, she goes, "Shit into this."" "Then she's got the audacity, the brass neck of the woman, to go, "Your poo's a bit smelly."" "It's made of shit, gillian." "I think I may have solved this riddle." "The reason that is a little bit reeky is it just fell out of her arse." "It's still warm, you fucking maniac!" "Most people that get cosmetic surgery are disappointed with the results, but they look pleasantly surprised." "Have you ever got mixed up between car-booting and dogging?" "It's embarrassing, isn't it?" "I paid 50p to fuck a guy's wife." "Dogging, or pay and display as I Iike to call it." "Or park and ride." "Make-up sex is amazing, after you've had an argument, but inappropriate if you've had a fight with a traffic warden." "Women get annoyed when men use the Iast of the toilet paper." " You get annoyed, ladies?" " (Women) Yes." "So what I've done is, I've stopped wiping my arse... and still she's upset." "And women, in fact, use twice as much toilet paper as men, which is fair enough, they've got double the number of bottoms." "I quite like that as a term for a woman or a lady, I Iike the term doubIebum." "Have you met my doubIebum?" "No, two bums, yes." "One at the back, as is traditional, another little fella round the front." "little fella's maybe the wrong term to use." "I'II use it in a sentence." "I was on holiday with my doubIebum." "We were in thailand having a little bit of lunch in a café on the beach." "She said, "I'm going for a pee, I'II be back in a minute."" "She was back almost immediately." "She said, "I couldn't go, it was disgusting."" "My question's simple." "Has that happened to a man in the history of the world ever?" "Let's face it, fellas, if we're going for a piss, it is gonna happen." "The gents could be a pile of rotting corpses yea high, the worst you'II get from a bloke is, "You wanna breathe through your mouth in there."" "She said a weird thing to me recently." "She said she wanted to wear a blindfold during sex." "I thought, fine, on the one hand, you wanna take away one of your senses in order to heighten the other four, to increase the erotic pleasure of lovemaking." "Let's give that a go, sounds fun." "On the other hand, what you're really saying is, "I will fuck you," ""but I'm gonna have to cover my eyes."" "Men propose on their knees." "Do you know why that is?" "To get them used to asking for sex when they're married." "(Woman) Yeah." "Yeah." "That's a weird reaction." "well done, you." "Women like to dance with men because women know, if they dance with a man, they'II be able to tell what he's like in the bedroom, and it is quite a good indicator." "I tend to dance for about 30 seconds then have a bit of a cry." "I have the feeling you're laughing at me, not with me, down there." "It's very cruel." "I read an article recently about British men's ultimate sexual fantasy, and the results of it surprised me." "It was a proper survey, they asked 3,000 men." "I'd Iike to do a little straw poll this evening, because the results of this, I was shocked." "ultimate sexual fantasy - has anyone got one they'd admit to?" " (Man) Jessica alba." " Jessica alba, it's a specific person that you would Iike to bone." "well, I happen to know Jessica alba does an awful lot of work for charity." "Maybe..." " Any other fantasies?" " (Man) Your girlfriend." "My girlfriend." "well, maybe we could doubIe-team her." "My girlfriend is your ultimate sexual fantasy?" "Yes, people see my girlfriend and they see me, and they say, "She's only going out with you cos you're famous."" "And I say, "But I am famous."" "What's your point?" "Is that your girlfriend?" " That is my girlfriend." " That's your girlfriend?" "I'm not gonna swap, if that's OK." "Can I just clarify, you are a beautiful lady, no disrespect to you, but he heckled, I had to put him down, and the only way to get to him was through you." "I liked the way, as well, I suggested your girlfriend wasn't good-Iooking enough, and you applauded." "Yeah, you'II be using those hands later on, won't you?" "Any other ultimate sexual fantasies?" "(Woman) A Viking helmet." "A Viking helmet - what have you got, two vaginas?" "Good, lovely!" "Any other ultimate sexual fantasies?" " (Woman) schoolgirl." " schoolgirl?" " (Man) Yes." " And then you've pointed at your man." "Yeah, I think we've got a special term for a schoolgirl fantasy now." "We call it "paedo"." "Sorry, sir, what do you Iike?" "schoolgirl, teacher." "schoolgirl, teacher?" "schoolgirl though, really." "The specialist term for the schoolgirl, yeah, you are a paedo." "No, it's good" " look at the positive, you get to be on a list, that's nice." "That's nice." "Everyone in the neighbourhood knows where you live." "That's convenient, isn't it?" "Do you make her dress up as a schoolgirl?" "She's done it." "She's done it?" "Have her washed and brought to my room." "I'm joking." "Don't wash her." " (Man) bestiality!" " bestiality?" "Easy, easy, Iet's think this through, cos bestiality, people just write off as a terrible thing." "Let's look at both sides." "Let's say you fuck a cow, and that could happen." "You sound like a nutter." "Let's imagine you fuck a cow." "You haven't actually harmed the cow." "Cows are fucking enormous... and you're not gonna trouble it with your tiny cock." "But, you know, you probably distressed the animal." "Daisy's probably thinking, "What the fuck is he up to?"" "On the upside though, you've had a whale of a time, and if you have a baby with the cow, it'II be a minotaur." "Moo." "It's like bully from bullseye." "Just putting it into terms he'II understand." "Any other ultimate sexual fantasies?" " (Man) An amputee." " An amputee?" "It's not paul McCartney, is it?" "I can't see." "It's a bit weird, the paul McCartney thing." "He's paul McCartney, he's a national treasure, a global icon." "He was in the beatles, and he couldn't find a woman with four working limbs!" "That's..." "He had to make do!" "people..." "She actually, she accused him, I believe, of hitting her, which is..." "Do you think he hit her?" "Do you think paul McCartney hit Heather mills?" "I don't think he did, but if I'm honest, I would've." "I'm not advocating violence against women in any way, shape or form, but it'd be interesting to know whether she'd spin round like a swingbaII." "Whoa-oh-oh!" "actually, to be honest, she accused him of hitting her with her false leg." "That is disgraceful and that is a lie." "I can tell you why that is definitely a lie, cos if you hit someone with a false leg, technically, that is a kick." "The reason I mention this is because in this article, it said the most common ultimate sexual fantasy, ultimate sexual fantasy, remember, in the UK, is to have two women at the same time." "It got me thinking, "well..."" "I'm not saying it wouldn't be fun to have two women at the same time, it is." "Thank you, show business." "I tell you what I'd be if I wasn't a comedian - a virgin." "I think, if it's your ultimate sexual fantasy, you're only limited by your imagination - two women at the same time is a bit lame." "You can have anything you want - a woman with 15 tits, riding a unicorn across a rainbow... never mind two women at the same time." "I mean, at the very least go for three." "Cos, think about it, how much better would it be, having sex with two beautiful women, if you were safe in the knowledge while you were fucking them, there was another one outside washing the car?" "That would make it a little better, wouldn't it?" "I told my girlfriend my ultimate sexual fantasy was to have two women at the same time and she agreed." "But then she was livid when I told her she wasn't either of them." "She was gonna be the one outside washing the car." "I did have a threesome once, this was about eight, nine years ago." "I was seeing this girl, it transpired she had a twin, so I asked." "If you don't ask, you don't get." "I asked, I got - there's a lesson in life." "It was fucking brilliant!" "One of the best experiences of my Iife, because her twin was better-Iooking than her, and an aII-round great guy." "Yeah, you knew something was coming, but you didn't realise it was gonna be her brother in her." "(Audience groans)" "Are there people in from the West Country going, "I don't really get it"?" "I Iove my job." "I Iove telling jokes to people, but essentially I'm a jester, I'm a clown, I'm a fool." "Sometimes I wanna be taken a bit more seriously, so I'd Iike to take a five-minute time-out from telling you jokes and I'd Iike to throw some ideas at you, some thoughts that I've had." "To help me with this, I'm gonna bring on a trio of jazz musicians." "What?" "I am." "Can I get some jazz musicians, please?" "Thanks very much." "Appreciate it." "These aren't jokes." "I'm just gonna throw some ideas at you, some thoughts that I've had." "Right, imagine, ladies and gentlemen, imagine we're sitting in a café on the Ieft banks of the Seine - you know, one of those smoky cafés, we're smoking GauIoises, we're drinking absinthe, we're just chatting, shooting the breeze, ladies and gentlemen." "Just talking about love and life and ideas, thoughts, yeah?" "Not just jokes, ideas." "Yeah?" "Let's have a little bit of jazz, just to set the mood, yeah?" "Oh, that's lovely, yeah." "Maybe a little bit of atmosphere, so it's like a kind of smoky café." "You know that kind of smoky café?" "Yeah, a smoky café, not a café where there's a chip fat fire!" "Where did we get the smoke machine from?" "Duran Duran?" "I Iook like Heather mills sitting too close to the fire." "What happens if you spill carpet cleaner?" "If an amnesiac got AIzheimer's, would they forget they couldn't remember anything?" "What size do you think the queen's bed is?" "If you walk backwards in fIip-fIops, are they fIop-fIips?" "Venison's dear, isn't it?" "Do gypsies ever go on caravanning holidays?" "I'II ask." "The Asterix cartoon character, Asterix," "I wonder, how rude is his real name?" "If you were a necrophiliac paedophiIe that was into bestiality, would you fuck omeIettes?" "Churches are depressing." "I mean, why build all of them in graveyards?" "My local church is raising money for a giant thermometer." "Do you know the best cure for depression?" "Suicide." "The Great Barrier Reef is all very well, but it doesn't seem to be keeping the australians in." "Consider the positive - you're never alone with schizophrenia." "If you're schizophrenic and you're offended by that, you can both fuck off." "Sometimes at seIf-service restaurants or buffets," "I tip myself." "Bad enough if a spider lays its eggs underneath your skin and they hatch out." "Worse if it's a goose." "If you're nine months premature, you're just a stain." "When someone says, "I hear voices,"" "I always think, "That'II be your ears."" "I was thinking, what is it that separates us from the animals?" "Fences." "I'm not superstitious, but I heard about this guy that fell out of the 13th floor window of a building and he died." "Spooky." "I've had an idea for a shop selling used artificial limbs." "It's called The Second-Hand Second Hand Store." "A shoe horn - sounds like the kind of thing a foot fetishist might get." "I'm writing a book on dream interpretation." "It's called You've Had Too Much Cheese." "Why do gypsies call it a funfair when it's clearly neither?" "I'II ask." "A snail can travel over a razor blade without cutting itself." "Or, to put it another way, sometimes scientists get bored." "Women blink twice as much as men." "brilliant!" "Think of all the stuff we can get away with." "(Makes honking sound)" "No, I didn't see anything." "I was very disappointed when I went to Wet And wild." "It's a water park." "We english are no good at foreign languages, until we go abroad where english is a foreign language." "What was the best thing before sliced bread?" "Bread knife?" "No, massive sandwiches." "If I had an optician's," "I'd make them do the shop sign in a blurry font." "No man is an island, except the isle of Man." "I'd Iike to get another tattoo, but I haven't got a tattoo." "Say what you Iike about pacifists..." "It's always darkest just before dawn, and we call that night time." "TraveIodge's slogan is, "Nothing like a good night's sleep."" "There's a thin line between obsessive and compulsive." "It's a hyphen." "I was gonna leave my body to science, and then I thought, "No, I'II leave it to geography."" "Why do you never hear about anyone being given five months to live?" "Some men never tell their dads that they love them, and I guess that's just because they're not gay." "people have skeletons in the closet, and gay men come out of the closet." "Do you think gay men are coming out of the closet cos they're scared of the skeletons?" "Confucius said, "How do you know you're a man dreaming you're a butterfly," ""and not a butterfly dreaming you're a man?"" "How do I know I'm not a butterfly?" "I drove here, you twat!" "Scientists have discovered a cure for the fear of flying - 22 hours on a coach." "I went to see a hypnotist's show and I really enjoyed it, which made me suspicious." "Right, final thought." "I had an out-of-body experience." "I was beside myself." "well, that's quite enough of that sort of thing, ladies and gentlemen." "(applause)" " The trio there." " (Cheering)" "Thank you very much indeed, gentlemen." "Might be a good time now, as we clear away our jazz trio..." "God love you for that, it was lovely." "Has anyone got any questions for me?" "(Man) Have you got a criminal record?" "Yes, most rapes in an hour." "I'm gonna take a photo of you, ladies and gentlemen, lest I forget you." "It's a big deal for me, recording a DVD, I thought I'd take a photo." "Yeah, go on." "Is it right that your girlfriend wants you to watch her pee?" " She likes you watching her pee?" " She's trying to get me to watch her." "So, sorry..." "That's a question..." "I get asked that every show." "It's weird that you would ask that, because she likes a Iot of people to watch her pee." "Is that your thing?" " No, no, no." " well, clearly, yes." "He didn't say that for no reason, did he?" "Do you remember earlier when you said he was a paedo for making you dress up as a schoolgirl?" "I think it might be payback time." "You could just dress her as a schoolgirl and have her wee on you." "That's fine." "That plays into your whole paedo fantasy." "Everyone's happy, apart from anyone with any sense of taste and decency, who are frankly horrified by you two." "What's your name, sir?" " Sam." " Sam?" "Hi, Sam." " SouthweII." " What, sorry?" "SouthweII." "SouthweII?" "Yeah, definitely I need a surname for this." "I'm not in charge of the register, don't worry about that." "What is it about being watched pee that you enjoy?" " Just tell us, we're all interested to know." " No." " well, you do." " It's not Iike that." "What is it like?" "(Man) Give her a glass of water, we'II all find out." "I just think, if you've been with someone, you should feel comfortable enough to do anything in front of them." " If I'm peeing..." " (Woman) Yeah!" "I'm all..." "I'm all for that, madam, yes." "Once you've been with someone, there's a level of intimacy that suggests that you would be able to pee in front of them, or maybe shit on their chest." "But some people aren't like us, baby." "Some people don't think in the way..." "They're cIosed-minded." "They've got a sense of, I don't know, appropriate occasion." "(Jimmy laughs)" "It's all right, we're not taping this." "Oh, no, we are." "lovely golden showers." " Any other thoughts?" " (Man) What car do you drive?" "What car do I drive?" "I don't drive a car, sir." "I roll in one." "?" "Motherfucker, yeah, with the bitches in the back, yeah ?" "Any other questions?" "(Woman) What's your favourite type of cheese?" "What's my favourite type of cheese?" "Knob." "(Man) Where's the best place you've performed?" "The best place I've performed?" "I'd have to say in your girlfriend." "It's the Iaw." "It's the Iaw." "I have to, I'm sorry." "I saw a headline in the paper." "It said, "Man held after rape."" "I thought, "They cuddled?"" "I called the rape helpline centre, they suggested I bought a balaclava." "PC has gone mad." "You can't say Siamese any more." "So, I guess my cat is a conjoined twin." "Speaking of hilarious birth defects..." "..did you all read about that little girl born in India with eight limbs?" "incredible." "She was born into a Hindu family, so they thought she might be the reincarnation of a goddess." "That or a spider." "But the test for that is simple - they pop them in a bath and see if they can get out on their own." "How annoyed would you be if you got home and your partner said to you, "I've got HIV"?" "I'd be fucking livid." "It's "haitch"." "I Iike to see the silver lining." "I see the world through rose-tinted glasses." "I think it's this job." "Even something as awful as the AIDS epidemic." "I Iike to think of AIDS, in my little head, as a massive game of gay it." "Gotcha!" "Chase me!" "Sorry, I don't wanna sound homophobic." "AII homosexuals are fucking arseholes." "Yeah." "And why not?" "It's a bloody good laugh." "A Iot of Americans are still bizarreIy touchy about the twin towers." "What you have to accept seven years on, is we needed a new wembley." "If you think that's offensive, wait for this." "I've had an idea for a money-making scheme." "Twin Tower Jenga." "That's not even it." "The hook is, when one of the towers collapses, you shout, "Jihad!"" "Osama bin Laden, say what you Iike about the man, he is world hide-and-seek champion." "I was in town earlier." "I saw a disabled toilet." "Someone had written on it, "Out of order." I thought, "I know what disabled means."" "When I was a kid, I was never scared of the daleks." "I used to be spooked by them, but whenever they came on, I'd just go, "If they ever came here, I'd just go upstairs." ""They can't get me if I go upstairs."" "But now when I watch Doctor Who, I'm petrified." "Because of all the wheelchair access we've put in everywhere, they can get anywhere they fucking like now." "We're sitting ducks." "It would be remiss of me, ladies and gentlemen, not to talk to you all about the environment, because that is the big issue, which has upset the homeless no end." "A carbon footprint is a metaphor for the mark you leave on the earth as you walk through your lives." "Of course, I don't have one because I drive everywhere." "It is twice as bad if you're Christian, with Jesus traipsing alongside you." "I don't think they should've called it global warming." "I think they should've called it earth toasting, or climate snuggIes." "It just all sounds too nice, doesn't it?" "If we don't do something now, we could end up as snug as a bug in a rug." "I'm trying to take global warming seriously but, you know, what can you do?" "I'm driving everywhere at twice the speed, so I get there in half the time, and I've stopped eating Fox's glacier Mints." "I tell you who I feel sorry for when there's flooding in the UK." "I feel sorry for the Fire Brigade, cos they get 5,000 phone calls a day when there's flooding." ""Is that the Fire Brigade?" "My house is underwater."" ""Yeah, we're not really trained for that."" ""That's almost the opposite of what we do for a living."" ""Do you want to give us a buzz back if it catches light?" ""OK, bye-bye."" "I tell you who annoys me when there's flooding - the guy in the high street in a canoe." "Every bit of news footage, there's a guy in the high street in a canoe going..." ""Have you not got a canoe?"" ""Have you got a car?" "I've got a canoe."" "Who's that smug twat, and where the fuck is he going?" ""I'm off to Boots."" "I've never been in a canoe." "I should really write a joke about a gay dinosaur dancing." "Women usually take care of contraception in a relationship, but some men do and they're called dads." "I'm not sure about abortions being available three months into pregnancy." "I think they should be available right the way up to GCSEs." "I Iike the phrase "Performed an abortion."" "D'you think anyone's ever gone ta-da?" "A Iot of people are worried that the artificial creation of sperm in laboratories means that men are essentially obsolete now." "Women don't need men any more, because they can create sperm in laboratories." " What do you think about that, ladies?" " (Some women) Yes!" "luckily, they keep the artificially created sperm in jam jars... so you still need us to..." "There you go." "I'm not sure if that's exactly how artificial insemination works, but you get the gist." "There's nothing rude about gist." "You're making your own jokes now." "My girlfriend said to me recently, "We can't have sex, I've got a headache."" "I said, "I'm gonna be right at the other end." ""Do you wanna get back to me if you get a pain in your vajajay?"" "That's right, I said, "Vajajay." What of it?" "I've got an awkward question." "It's awkward whether you're here on a first date, or whether you're in a Iong-term relationship, it's awkward for everyone." "should you spit or swallow following oral sex?" "(Woman) swallow." "(Woman) Spit." "(Man) GargIe." "well, there's a fella there that loves the taste of spunk." "It's an awkward question." "It's very much the cutting edge of sexual politics." "I'II sort this out for you once and for all - you'II never have to think about it again." "should you spit or swallow following oral sex?" "It doesn't matter." "Once I've ejaculated, I'm asleep." "You can do what you fucking like!" "You can gargle the national anthem, for all I care." "As long as it doesn't wake me up, or interfere with you calling your cab." "(Lisping) I'd Iike to book a taxi, please." "Sorry, that was misleading." "She swallowed." " That was a deaf girl I was fucking." " (Audience groans)" "If you've got deaf friends, you should never do the deaf voice." "Just say things like that." "That is pretty much Kryptonite to the deaf." "If you really wanna fuck with deaf friends, say things like that." "Cos then they know you're saying something." "BIah-bIah-bIah-bIah-bIah." "How was the deaf girl in that joke using the phone?" "If you're deaf and you're offended by anything you've heard..." "Deaf people are bloody marvellous." "I'm gonna leave you with this, it's been a pleasure to talk to you." "I'II leave you with a story about shouting out." "I Iike it when people join in, in life, whether it's at a comedy show or just out in the world." "I was at a tennis match eight years ago, watching Tim Henman play." "I'm a big fan of Tim Henman." "Any time he wins a point, he pretends to punch a midget." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Are there any midgets in?" "I didn't see you, but then that is part of your charm." "This guy behind me shouts something brilliant out." "He waits until Tim Henman is walking to have his barley water, you know the way they do." "They have about ten games to go, little drink of barley water?" "lovely." "He was walking in to have his drink and this guy shouts," ""Tim, Tim, there's a bit of shit at the end of your racquet."" "And he looks." "And the bloke goes, "Not that end."" "I've been Jimmy Carr, thank you very much indeed." "Thank you." "Cheers." " (applause and cheering)" " Thank you very much." "Cheers." "(Cheering)" "Thanks very much." "That's nice of you." "(whistling)" "It's a brilliant job, this." "You spend an hour and a half talking to people, building up this reservoir of goodwill, but then you're expected just to fuck off." "It's a bit weird." "With your permission, I'd Iike to piss away some of that goodwill..." " (Man) Yeah!" " ..on an unpleasant joke." "You know sometimes I'II tell a joke that's a bit edgy, and I feel as an audience you go, "That's a bit close to the..." "Go on, then, you!" ""What are you Iike?"" "I'd Iike to tell one now that'II make you go..." ""Ohhh."" " would you Iike to hear it?" " (Audience) Yes!" "well, it's a joke about love." "Can love conquer all or do the practicalities of Iife get in the way?" "A great example of this is May-to-December relationships." "relationships where there's a bit of an age gap." "Can love conquer that divide, or does life get in the way, the practicalities?" "There's probably as many opinions as there are people in this room." "Here's my opinion, for what it's worth." "You know a girl is too young for you if you have to make the aeroplane noise to get your cock in her mouth." "(Laughter and groans)" "?" "Here comes the train, into the tunnel ?" "There's three things I liked about that joke." "firstly, I Iike the fact it's edgy." "I Iike edgy jokes." "It's about as edgy as I'd wanna be." "Second thing I Iike about it, next time you're being intimate with your partners..." "I know you're sat there thinking, "He's too mature for that."" "He's thinking, "Ba-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da."" "Third thing I Iike about that joke," "later on tonight, maybe tomorrow or the next day, someone's gonna say to you, "You were at a comedy show, tell us a joke."" "I guarantee you, that is all you're gonna be able to think of, and you'II fuck it up." ""I was fucking a child in the face..."" ""You were what, you fucking maniac?" "!"" "I spend a Iot of my Iife driving round the country doing gigs and I'm often driving back late at night and I always pick up hitchhikers if I see a hitchhiker." "They always say the same thing to me." "They always say, "But I don't live in the woods."" "I'd Iike to end this evening by talking about heckling." "It's great fun when people have come to see your show and they feel they can join in." "It's like everyone's friends, it's great." "When you start out in this business, it can be cruel." "I have a friend who was doing the support act." "If you're the support act, people haven't paid to see you, they've paid to see someone else and you're getting in their way." "My friend's very funny." "He was supporting a famous comedian in Oxford, and someone at the back, as he was halfway through his act, and he was struggling, fair enough, but he didn't need this - halfway through his act someone shouted, "You're ruining our evening."" "Fucking hell!" "It happens to me all the time." "Happened a couple of weeks ago." "A guy sitting where you're sitting, sir, front and centre, his phone went off." "Everyone's got a mobile, someone'II leave it on by mistake, it's not the end of the world, just switch it off, not a problem." "He took the call." "So, there's me and 2,000 people going, "What the fuck is this guy on?"" "totally confidently he went, "I'm at a comedy show."" "Then there was a pause and he went, "Not really."" "Not really?" "!" "It has been a pleasure talking to you." "I'II leave you with the harshest heckIe I've ever had to deal with." "I was doing a gig in Edinburgh at Late And Live." "It doesn't start till one in the morning, so they're all out of their minds on heroin and shortbread." "So it's a Iate-night gig, everyone's drunk and high and out of their minds, and it's all going quite well, I'm about ten minutes into the gig, doing my usual thing, it was about eight years ago, I was pretty new," "and this guy from the side shouts very clearly, loudly, confidently, just as I'm halfway through a joke, "My mum died of cancer."" "I thought, "Shit the bed!" "What the fuck?"" "I thought, "I'II deal with this logically and in order."" "I said, "firstly, I wasn't talking about mums," ""and secondly, I wasn't talking about cancer."" "And he came back with the epically harsh," ""No, but it was funnier than this."" "I've been Jimmy Carr, thank you very much indeed." "Thank you." "Cheers." " (Cheering) - (?" "Warren Zevon:" "WerewoIves Of London)" "Thank you very much indeed." "Thank you." "Cheers." "?" "I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand" "?" "walking through the streets of Soho in the rain" "?" "He was looking for the place called Lee Ho Fook's" "?" "Going to get a big dish of beef chow mein" "?" "A-hoo, werewolves of London" "?" "A-hoo" "?" "A-hoo, werewolves ?" "Bwark." "?" "A-hoo... ?" "hello, I'm Jimmy Carr, and I've spent the Iast year wandering around Britain playing about 160 shows to the great British public." "I've got a carbon footprint like a Wookiee." "When I'm chatting to people in the audience, sometimes it's funny and when it's funny, we like to take that little audio clip and then get little sort of boffiny people to animate it." "Here, ladies and gentlemen, for your delectation and delight are some Carr-toons." "That's Carr-toons." "It's like a pun." "It's like a joke." "Remember those?" "Jokes?" "Yeah, it's funny." "Carr-toons." "Enjoy." "Any other questions, or anything... (Man) Are you really an agnorrant bastard offstage?" "Am I really an agnorrant...bastard?" " (Laughter and applause)" " FunniIy enough..." "I don't care." "I'm really agnorrant, yeah." "You know agnorrant means handsome?" "Are you really agnorrant?" "well, I suppose..." "I'm seIf-confident about my ability to use...words." "Yeah, maybe." "Maybe more so than some." "But, are you really agnorrant?" "Yeah." "No, I'm not..." "I'm not that agnorrant." "No, I think people often think I'm..." "you know..." "I'm gonna be really aggressive when they meet me." "Some people come up and go, "Oh, will you sign this?" "Of course I can."" " "Oh, he's not a total cunt." - (Laughter)" "massively surprised." "Now, what makes you think I'm arrogant?" "I presume that's the word you were shooting for." "Maybe, huh?" "I imagine when you do a spellcheck, it goes, "Aw, can you..."" "(applause)" ""Can you give me another clue?" ""could you use it in a sentence?" "Just..." ""This is just numbers."" "Do I come across as arrogant, do you think?" "(silence)" "(Man) You come across as pretty much a cunt." " I come across as a cunt?" " Yeah." "Do you know what?" "I'm thinking about keeping the £15 you paid for a ticket." " (Man shouts)" " What?" "Sorry?" " (Man) It's like £12 or something." " It's like £12?" "Yeah, I'm the one that looks a fool." "You've paid £12 to see a cunt." "How little is there going on AyIesbury that you went..." ""I fuckin' hate that Jimmy Carr."" ""You going to the gig?" "Yeah, I'm going to the gig." ""Nothing else to do."" " Jeez." " (applause)" "Do you not Iike me, or do you think I'm funny but you think I'm a bit weird or what?" " (Man) You're a bit weird, but you're funny." " OK." "No, I'm not that...arrogant." "I tell you what, shall we all say it together?" "Let's not single anyone out." "I'm not going to single you out." "I'm not going to single you out." "Let's all say arrogant together, cos then... we'II have had a fun evening, but also we'II have learnt a word." "Yeah, come on, Iet's." " One, two, three..." " (AII) Arrogant!" "There..." "lovely." "I will say I'm a little bit patronising." "That means when you talk down to someone." "(applause)" " Any questions?" "Anyone want to chip in?" " (Man) Who won the rugby?" "(AII) EngIand!" "Do I need to be here for the questions?" "I didn't realise they were going to be group based." "Yes." "england." "We all..." "We all won... in a sense... if you can live vicariously through other men." "Then..." "Ooh!" " Who were we playing?" " (Woman) France." " Who?" "Sorry." " (Northern accent) France." "(Mimicking) France?" "Is that near France?" "(Laughter and applause)" "So we beat France in a game of rugby?" "well done." "Of course, the big innovation in rugby was the introduction of the ball." "Before then, it was just buggery." "You know how it was invented?" "It was not far from here" " Rugby." "At the school." "You know the story of how it was invented?" "Some boys were playing football and one of them said, "This isn't gay enough."" " What do you do?" " (Man) Fuck off." "I'm not from the DSS." "There's no..." " What do you do?" " (Man) I'm on the social." "You're on the social?" "Is it easier if I just ask is there anyone that's not on the social?" "If there is, I'm presuming you work at the social." ""On the social" makes it sound much more fun, doesn't it, than, "I'm on benefits"?" "Makes it sound like that's a bit of a pain in the arse. "The social." ""I'm goin' down the social." ""There may be dancing."" " Any other thoughts?" " should wales and england separate?" "should wales and england separate?" "What you need, sir... is a paper and some degree of education." "Now, I've..." "There is..." "There is a welsh parliament if I'm not very much mistaken." "I mean, basically, it doesn't fucking do anything, but let's not..." "Let's not..." "Let's not be like that." "No, I don't think they should." "(Man) Do you share the english perspective that we sponge off you?" "Do I share the english perspective that you sponge off us?" "(applause)" "What?" "Sorry." "(applause)" "I think I've asked three people what they do for a living." "Two of 'em are on benefits." "(welsh accent) "Do you think we're spongers?"" " What do you do for a living, sir?" " (lazily) Errm... (applause)" "(Man) How long does it take to do your hair?" "How long does it take to do my hair?" "Er, literally no time at all." "I mean, I wash it on a regular basis." "And then it goes like that." " You...you don't like it?" " (Man) I Iove it." "You love it?" ""I Iove it!"" "Good on ya." "Yeah, it's a bit anachronistic, isn't it?" "Looks like it was cut in the 1930s." " (Second man) Is it a wig, Jim?" " Is it a wig?" "If you had a wig, you wouldn't necessarily go..." ""Oh, I'd Iike a 1930s quiff, please."" "No, it isn't." "I do wear a merkin, though." ""Do you wear a wig?" "well, not there."" "It's a pubic wig." "(Man) Does it itch?" " What?" "Sorry?" " Does it itch?" "Does it itch?" "Yeah, but that's got more to do with other things." "I should never have fucked her." "No one has freckles on their vagina." "(AII) Ugh!" " (Woman shouts)" " What?" "Sorry?" "How old were you when you lost your virginity?" "Er, OK... (mumbling)" "True story." "I was waiting for something consensual." " (Man) What did your mum say?" " What did my mum say?" "That's very funny." "(Irish accent) "What are you doing?" Er..." " (Man) Why is she Irish?" " Why is she Irish?" "Cos she was Irish." "Is he retarded?" "Cos I blame myself for you being here." "Cos I did a couple of those charity gigs for the Variety club people." "I think they may have paid for the minibus that brought you lads here." "Is anyone willing to divulge what their ultimate sexual fantasy is?" " (Man) Mother-daughter." " What, sorry?" " Mother-daughter." " Mother-daughter?" "You've got to admire his honesty there." "(Second man) His own mother!" "(Audience) Ahhhh!" "His own mother and his own..." "He's not from..." "He's not from Abergavenny." "(applause)" "Erm..." "What is it that's appealing about the mother-daughter thing?" "I can't quite see... the attraction." "I imagine the mother-in-Iaw would be quite complaining." ""Oh, that's right." "You're fucking her the whole time." ""Here's me, licking your balls."" "Any other questions?" "Let me get a little photo?" " (Shouting)" " What?" "Sorry?" " Why are you doing stand-up?" " Why am I doing stand-up?" "Yeah." "Because cunts like you will give me 20 quid a pop." "(Kerr-ching!" ")" "Seems like an odd...thing to say." "I'm not for a second calling you a cunt, sir." "It just seems a bit odd as a thing to say when you've come to see me." "(Man shouting)" " You were forced?" " Yeah." "What do you mean, you were forced?" " My friend forced me." " Your friend forced you to come?" " Yeah." " And you're not liking it?" "well, what do you Iike jokes about?" "Maybe I can do something specifically for you." " Racist jokes." " You like racist jokes?" "well..." "well, maybe we could all club together and get you tickets to see Jim Davidson." " That'd be nice." " (Cheering and applause)" "I wrote one joke that I think's a bit racist." "I didn't put it in the show, but I think it's quite..." "I don't know if it is racist cos it's more about accents than it is about a race." "North Korea..." "This is just for you." "North Korea and Japan don't get along." "They never have, and I don't think they ever will." "You know what the problem is?" "Neither side can say they're sorry." "Now, fuck off, you racist cunt." "(Cheering and applause)" "Yeah, a racist in Brixton." "Good luck getting home, mate." "Ha-ha-ha!" "Any other..." "Imagine that being your complaint." ""Oh, do we have to go and see him?" "He's not even racist." ""He's rubbish." ""He doesn't seem to hate anyone." "Urgh!"" "Any other genuine ultimate sexual fantasies rather than just weirdness?" "Go on." " (Man) The window." " The window?" " (Man) Yeah." " What the fuck is the window?" "(Man) Your girlfriend's up against the window, doggy." "Your mate's in a cupboard." "You swap round, go round the window and wave at them." "OK." "Er..." "OK." "So this is his ultimate sexual fantasy." "You're fucking a girl..." "already this is far-fetched." "(applause)" "already..." "already, we're in the realms of fantasy." "So you're fucking a woman, yeah?" "You're fucking her, and you've got a friend in a cupboard." "OK, so it's already a bit gay as far as I'm concerned." "You're fucking her..." ""Yeah, no, we're gonna make love, darling." ""could you point towards the window?" "No, I just like a breeze." ""This is how I work, OK?" "You see, if...blah blah blah."" "And then you make an excuse." "You say, "I've just go to..." "I'II be back in a second."" " (Man) She can't notice." " She can't notice?" "Yeah..." "She's got to be paralysed from the waist down, then." "Oh, I see how it wouId work for you because you have a tiny penis." "So she's not sure whether it's in or not." "She's just happily flicking through a magazine, looking out the window." "So you've got..." "Your friend comes up." "He's got a similar sized cock to you." "Yeah?" "Ohhh!" "And he goes, "Hang on." You tag out." "I presume." "Ssh-ssh!" "And then, whoa!" "He's in." "It's a rape taking place now, is it?" "There's a..." "There's a rape occurring now." "Someone's having sex with her against her..." "He's raping her." "He's the rapist." "You've done nothing." "You've aided and abetted." "You've greased the baking tray, so to speak." "You look genuinely appalled, madam." "I'm sorry." "He started it." "And then you go round and wave to your girlfriend as she's being raped." "That's nice!" "Yeah." "No, that is..." "I tell you what." "Romance isn't dead." "You look genuinely appalled, ladies." "God love you for that." "Are you expecting an important call, sir?" "You keep on getting your phone out." " (Man) No, I got a text message." " You got a text message?" "Oh!" "He got a text message, ladies and gentlemen." "Fuckin' hell." "Fuck this." " (Second man) It was his mum." " Who was it?" " (Man) My girlfriend." " You haven't got a girlfriend." "You've got a girlfriend?" "And she texted you?" "Right, from what?" "Imaginary Land?" "What did she text to say?" "tell us the story." " (Man) Erm, she won a raffle." " She won a raffle?" "Are you going out with a much older woman?" "(Northern accent) "Oh, I've won a meat raffle." ""I'm in a very good mood." ""I can't find me teeth." "I'II have to suck you off without."" "Mmm." "Gummy." "Where did she win a raffle?" "(Man) At the work Christmas party." "At the work Christmas party." "Where does she work?" " (Man) Sainsbury's." " Sainsbury's?" "Oh!" "little bit of orange uniform going on." "Do you sometimes pretend you're fucking an Oompa-Loompa?" "What?" "You do?" "shall we talk about gynaecomastia?" "Gynaecomastia is the men getting boobs." "Moobs." "Man boobs." "Man tits." "Mits." "call 'em what you Iike." "manly boobs." "The weird thing about man boobs is men are seIf-conscious about it." "They won't go to the beach because they can't take their shirt off." "It's horrible." "I say, look at the positive, yeah?" "If you're getting man boobs, you can add a whole new dimension to your wank." "You could be at home of an afternoon, thinking," ""I might have one off the wrist." "We didn't get broadband for nothing."" "You're just about to, and you think, "Hang on, no." "I'm better than that." ""Tits first." "I'm not a slag."" "You sound experienced, there." " Said with experience?" " No, you sound experienced." "What?" "Having a wank?" "I'm 35, mate." "Yeah." "What?" "Do you not?" "You sound Scottish." "It doesn't cost anything." "I imagine you do." "(applause)" "I've got easy access at the moment." "(Mimicking) "Huff-huff-hah-hah-hah!" ""Hahhh!"" " You've got what at the moment?" " Easy access." " You've got easy access?" " (mumbling) ..getting old." " (Man) In english?" " In english?" "I think he's saying, "I'm a member of a ring." ""Ah-har!"" "Ah..." "Someone throw him some heroin or shortbread or something." "exactly." " (Woman) Are you gay?" " Am I what?" " Are you gay?" " No, I'm all about the poontang." "tell you what, I'II prove it to you, love." "(Cheering)" "I'm..." "actually, I'm gonna fuck her in the arse just to kind of..." "My favourite thing about the history of Northern ireland" " I know fuck all about it - is the fact that we called it... we called it in england, in London, the troubles." "We might as well have called it the Spot of Bother." ""What?" "20 years' civil war?" ""Spot o' bovver." ""Yeah, we're having a little bit of trouble." "Don't want to go on about it."" "We should call the Iraq war the To-do." "Woo-oo..." "You haven't even explained to him what the troubles are?" "They don't really report it on CBeebies, do they?" "It's a real gap since John Craven left." "You haven't watched Newsround." "You're fucked." "I notice that all the boys down the front have highlighted their hair." "That's excellent, because some people don't have very strong gaydar." "So it's nice to give 'em a heads up." " You're not allowed down there." " (applause)" "Sorry, for all I know, you're the Arctic Monkeys." "hello." "Don't want to be rude." "Erm...excellent." "I'm sure it's a fashion thing... from the mid-'80s." "Maybe you're Def Leppard." " Has anyone got any questions?" " (Man) What hair product do you use?" "What hair product do I use?" "What?" "You want to try and avoid that hair product?" "I dunno." "I don't know what it's called." " (Man) Spunk." " Spunk?" "I think, sir, if you're Iabouring under the illusion that spunk is a hair product, it sounds like you may have been abused as a teenager." "(applause)" "Were you on scout camp?" "And the scout master said, "You'II need something for your quiff."" "I'm going to take a photo." "I don't get to play here every day, so it's a little reminder." "Anyone got any questions?" " (Woman) will you marry me?" " will I marry you?" "Uh, I'm not the captain of a ship, but certainly if you have a partner, I will..." "I pronounce you man and wife." "In nomine patris..." "Sorry, who said, "will you marry me?"" "I'd fuck you." "That any good to you?" "I think marriage is a hell of a commitment, isn't it?" "also, the fella that you're with doesn't look at all happy." "How long have you guys been together?" " Two years." " Two years?" "And you're willing to throw it all away?" " only for you, Jimmy." " What?" "Sorry?" " only for you." " only for me?" "well, you say that." "And what do you do for a living, sir?" " I'm a sales assistant." " Whereabouts?" "What kind of thing?" " I sell computer games." " You sell computer games?" "Ooh!" "Yeah, I tell you what ladies love." "knowledge of computer games." "although you are probably quite good with your thumbs, aren't you?" "You could probably get her off in seconds." "Hang on, there's a cheat on this." "(bleeping)" "(Man) I'd fuck your dad to save my mum." "would I fuck..." "You'd fuck my dad to save your mum?" "If we could hook up that deal..." "I'm more than happy with that arrangement." "fill your boots, sir." " I Iove the boots." " What?" "Sorry?" "I Iove the boots." "You love the boots?" "That's a very odd reaction to that phrase." ""fill your boots." "Mm." "I Iove the boots."" "You sound like some kind of sassy cat from a cartoon." "Hmm, I Iove the boots!" "Ooh, the New Shmoo voice." "What do you do for a living, sir?" "Er, I work at Co-op." "(Laughter)" "I Iike the Co-op." "Don't knock the Co-op." "Because the Co-op do everything from like," ""Yeah, I just need a pint of milk." "And also, could you bury Nana?"" "That's a mental shop, isn't it?" "Now, pint of milk, Benson  Hedges..." "Bury Nan..." "Cremated?" "Yeah, lovely." " Wicked." "What do you do there?" " Er..." " I do the food." " please say you bury Nana." "No." " What do you do?" " I work at the food." "I do the..." "I work at the food?" "Fucking hell." "I can see why your greengrocer business isn't being targeted." "(applause)" "The big supermarkets are not really on it around here, are they?" "So what do you do for this...supermarket?" "(slow voice) "I do the food."" ""I do the food." ""Make it go yum." ""Yeah, see..." ""I Iove the boots." ""I Iove the boots that come with the job, I do the food."" "I've created a whole comic persona for you." "Some people have that weird sexual thing about wanting to..." "They've got like a...glass coffee table and they sit under it and someone defecates on the... and they think, "Oh, God, that's disgusting." "A glass coffee table?"" "What is it?" "The '70s?" "For fuck's sake!" "I get reviewed quite a Iot now." "That's a weird thing, started happening." "journalists coming to the show." "Any in this evening?" " Are any journalists in?" " (Woman) Yeah." " Are you a journalist?" " Yes." " With who?" " BBC." " UBC?" " The BBC." "EBC?" " Is it BBC?" " Yes." "What?" "What?" "Are you undercover or something?" "Go on." "Who are you a journalist with?" " The BBC." " The BBC?" "And, what, are you covering this?" " No." " How little is happening in this town." "News, news, news." "I tell you what I noticed is happening." "You know that What's On guide for belfast?" "Have you seen that?" "It might just be for fucking tourists like me but they had it in the hotel." "FIicking through it, I couldn't believe my luck." "The front-page story was an exhibition." "The design and build of the Titanic." "It strikes me when this town starts taking pride in that... things are at a bit of a Iow point, aren't they?" ""Yes, of course, we designed and built the Titanic."" "Didn't that famously sink?" "(Man) We didn't build the iceberg, but." "What, you didn't build the iceberg?" "(applause)" "Yes, how were you to know?" "How were you to know there'd be a bit of ice out there in the fucking ocean?" "Ha-ha!" "It strikes me that it's a brilliant exhibition, about the design and build of the Titanic." "Doesn't mention the fact it sinks at any point." "Just at the end, it goes, "It was fine when we last saw it." ""Whereabouts of the ship - unknown."" "Ha-ha!" "adorable." "hello, what do you do for a living, sir?" " (Man) I repossess houses." " You repossess houses?" "(Booing)" "Ooh!" " (Woman calls out)" " What?" "Sorry." "What was that?" "Wanker!" "well, maybe if you paid your fucking bills!" "You know, I mean..." " He didn't..." "He didn't want to." " (applause)" "I don't really understand those financial..." "Repossessing houses sounds a bit horrible as a job." "When Northern Rock went under, I didn't understand that at all." "How are they in trouble and Ocean Finance are fine?" "We've all seen the people they lend money to on the ads." "They lend money to people like Rhys." "I Iove the way Rhys is..." "It's indiscriminate." "He just likes having his name mentioned." "It doesn't matter if it's a negative connotation." ""I tell you what, Rhys has murdered people."" ""Yay!" "He mentioned me!"" " You're adorable." " (AII) Aaah." "Erm, any other questions?" " (Man) You're a legend, man." "A legend." " I'm a legend?" "I'm not a great legend, though, am I?" "I'm not..." "I'm not Iike King Arthur." "I don't think in, you know, 5,000 years' time, people will be sitting round camp fires... (Man) You're still a great." "AII right, I'm halfway through a fucking bit, now." "I don't think, in generations to come, people will sit around, going, "And there was a fat-faced man" ""and, Io, did he know a Iot of fucking one-Iiners."" "Which doesn't seem as kind of..." "But thanks very much." "(Man) You're great." "Can I shake your hand?" "Can you shake my..." "I'II do it myself." "classic!" "Hey!" "And they say music hall's dead!" " I'm quite dyslexic." "Any other dyslexics in?" " (Woman) Whoo!" "From that reaction, I'm guessing proper, oId-fashioned stupid." ""Whoo-hoo!" "I can't fucking spell!" ""Whoo!"" "Sorry, were you trying to say something else but it just came out all Os?" "Your little noggin." "What?" "(Woman) Can't spell, don't care." "Can't spell, don't care." "D-O-N-T..." " C-A-R-E." " (applause)" " Have you got a T-shirt on?" " (Woman) Yeah, "Jimmy Phwoarr"." " What does it say?" " "Jimmy Phwoarr"." "Jimmy Phwoarr?" "My God, you're aiming low in life, aren't you?" " And what does it say on the back?" " "will you marry me?"" ""will you marry me?"" "well, that's gonna put me off when I'm fucking you, isn't it?" "That's gonna..." "You haven't thought that through." "I mean..." "I think I might lose my erection." ""Oh, she wants a Iong-term commitment."" "Ohh!" "I hate reading." "It's boring." "It's the kind of gig where I wouldn't be surprised if, by the end of it," "I was in a wicker man, in the town square, going, "Christ, no!" "Christ!" "Christ, no!"" "Yeah, them over there going, "Oh." "I wish we'd thought of that."" "Now... do you ever get any racist graffiti in belfast?" " (Coughing)" " Do you ever get any horrible..." "well, I know you have your murals..." "But I don't count those." "If someone's gone to the trouble of drawing a lovely picture..." "It's a shame when they pose for those pictures. "Go on, take your balaclava off!"" "Is there a generation of artists in Northern ireland going, "I can't really do faces"?" "(applause)" "And now they're a little bit out of work, going, "Yeah, could you wear a roIIneck" ""and a cap," ""and then pull that down and that up?" ""I can do eyes." ""Quite sinister eyes."" "Do you want to get back to me if you get a pain in your vajayjay?" "That's right, I said vajayjay." "What of it?" "Why's vajayjay funny?" "(Woman) This week, he said that's what he called mine." " That's what he calls yours?" " He heard you say it on telly." "After he heard me say it on telly, he now calls your lady place a vajayjay?" "I couId not be more flattered." "That's..." " literally, I couldn't be more..." " (applause)" "What a beautiful doubIebum you have there, sir." "shall we do some improv, colchester?" "(Audience) Yeah!" "I'II get a few suggestions from you and let's do some improv." "I need a few things from you and then we'II..." "OK." " I need an historical figure." " (Man) NeIson!" "(Second man) Ghandi!" "(Woman) Boudicca." "(Man shouts indistinctIy) Tutankhamun." "could you say that again?" "(IndistinctIy) Tutankhamun." "Not Tutankhamun?" "(Man) Tutankhamun." "(Mimicking) Toot and Carmen." "Yeah, all right." "Tutankhamun." "Let's go for that." "Sounds weird." "I don't know why, though." "Tutankhamun." "Do you think he's from round this way?" "Sounds so wrong, in your accent." ""Who's going tonight?" "Steve, Dave, Tutankhamun."" "(applause)" "It sounds to me when you say it like two different blokes." ""Who's going?" "Toot."" "Toot and Carmen." "Have a guess, St albans, how much I give every year to animal charities." "(several people) Nothing." "(Woman) A million pounds." "What?" "Sorry?" "(Mimicking) "A million pounds."" "Wow." "Ladies and gentlemen, the Queen." "With a lovely wave as well." "Good on ya." "Have you ever heard of an amount of money less than a million pounds?" "That voice suggests that... (WeariIy) "A million pounds."" "cool." "You're posh." "How big's your cock?" "(applause)" "well, I would rather not say." "How's about you tell me the girth of your vagina?" "And we will ascertain whether it'II be like throwing a sausage up an alleyway." "(Man shouting) A KFC bucket!" " What?" "Sorry?" " (Man) A KFC bucket." "A KFC bucket?" "possibly a KFC bucket, sir, if that helps your process." "(Woman) How long are you in Brighton for?" "How long am I in Brighton for?" "Erm...er..." "For tax purposes..." "I'm not sure." "I think until tomorrow night, but who knows?" " (Woman) Where are you staying tonight?" " Where am I staying?" "Yours, baby!" "I'm joking, of course." "I'm going to use that lady's enormous vagina as a sleeping bag." "I'm joking, of course." "I'm gonna fuck you Iike everyone else." "unnecessarily harsh." "I'm sorry." "It was a perfectly reasonable question of yours." " (Man) What happened to your face?" " What happened to my face?" "(Mimicking audience laughter)" "Oh, that's a great question." "I've just got a big face." "There's no getting around it." "well, you could go around it, but it'd be quicker to go through." "Takes a certain confidence from someone with LimahI's haircut..." "I Iike the way you've highlighted your hair, sir." "You've clearly thought," ""There's too much hair to revise." "I'II just highlight the important bits."" "well, God love you." "Sir, there's nothing really the matter with it other than it's a funny shape." "It's come in handy in this job." "Oh, also, your mum says hi." "It is..." "It's a contractual obligation if someone heckIes aggressively that I have to say that." "Where is she?" "Oh, hi, there." "How are you?" "I didn't recognise you because you're sitting down." "You're not..." "You're not doing that." "I didn't..." "I didn't recognise you." "You can understand." "Sorry, did you think I was a friend of yours from school and that, your mum being here, I'd go, "Oh, I'm sorry, mate"?" "No, I fucked her, loads." "I'm not alone." "Sorry, Dad." "Not your real dad, but... whoever she's brought home this week, phwhoar!" "I'II end by talking about heckling." "I Iike it, even if it's criticism of the shape of my face." "I'm not angry at you." "Maybe if you'd brought him up a little bit better..." "Yeah?" "Spare the rod, spoil the child." " (Man) She swallowed, she didn't spit." " She swallowed, she didn't spit?" "Oh..." "The level of discomfort on his face now is..." "That's fucking genius." " well done, you." " (applause)" "Yeah." "Yes, that's your own father going, "Yeah, I Iike my son." "I couId have got sucked off." ""He's got silly hair." "I sort of wish I had."" "Ha!" "He's gone such a fucking colour." "He's gone literally the brightest red I've ever seen!" "Just hold your face up a second." "It looks really funny, weirdly." "Isn't that a weird...a weird irony?" "Sorry, mate, it's just your dad was talking about getting sucked off by your mum." "That doesn't look so weird now, does it?" "Ha-ha!" "I Iike heckIing." "That was a fucking marvellous heckIe, sir." "Thank you." "It genuinely made me cry a little bit." "I've done a little tear." "Bwark!"