"It's 8:30, guys." "The 8:00 bus will be here in 10 minutes." "And I still gotta get ready." "Ben." "School." "Forgot to give you guys this." "It's a letter from the Parents Association." "Lxnay on the etterlay, Carol." " I'll take it." " Let me see that." ""Dear fellow parents, our program of weekly dances is in jeopardy..." ""owing to the fact that many of you have not fulfilled..." ""your parental responsibilities and made yourselves available for chaperoning." ""You know who you are and, more importantly, we know who you are." ""Sincerely, Mrs. Adolf Hitler."" ""June Hinckley, President of the Parents Association." Nice tone." "Now, come on now, busy people like you guys have far better things to do... than to hang around a smelly gym." " Embarrassing Mike." " Yeah." "I mean, no." "Embarrass?" "That was her word, not my word, Mom." "I don't care if they chaperone dances." "Bye." "That's 'cause you've never been to one." "Mike, did you get one of these letters?" "Yeah, sure." "Well?" "Where is it?" "Come on, Mom." "Give me some kind of credit here." "Look, I'm not gonna bother you guys with a stupid letter like that." "Look, I try to screen these things for you guys." "You know, you know, cut down on the junk mail... protect your valuable time." "It's stuck to the ceiling in the boys' john." " Ben, the bus." " Use it or lose it." "Come on, Ben, I think you're spending far too much time studying... and not nearly enough horsing around." "Hey!" "I'm kidding." "Ben knows when the old dad is kidding." "Right, Ben?" "Aye, milord." ""Aye, milord"?" "It's from Robin Hood." "That's the school play this year." "You mean you weren't calling me "milord" as a measure of respect?" "That's funny, Dad." "See, he does know when his old dad's kidding." "This year I'm going to get a part." "Well, let's hope, but I remember last year's auditions, how heartbroken you were." "Come on, Dad." "I was just a kid." "Oh, I see." "So this year as the only adult in the third grade... you ought to have a big edge." "That's how I figure it." "Now good luck." "Bye, honey." "Break a leg!" "What?" "Figure of speech." "Jason... when you were Mike's age would you have been afraid... or embarrassed to have your parents chaperone?" "Oh, sure." "I went through that stage." "My dad volunteered to chaperone one of our class trips." "I begged him not to." "I said, "Dad, but I'm not going to do anything."" "He said, "Well, that's fine." "Then you can not do it with me there."" "Hey, looking good, Dad." "Vicious ensemble, Mom." " You both have a nice day, now, you hear?" " Halt!" "Mom, I might miss that darn bus." "Open the coat." "Is this cool or what?" "Mike, do you really think you've dressed appropriately for school?" "Heck, no." "Why would I want to do that?" " Change now." " Dad?" "Mike." "Now, Mike, if you think that this conveys... the proper image, not just for yourself, but for the family you represent... then, by all means, go ahead and wear a rubber fowl on your stomach." "See you." "Jason." "I don't know why that works, but it's really starting to burn me up." "You know, you shouldn't judge the school by the first day." "And you have to overlook all the average people." "It is a public school." "Well, I'm used to that, Carol." "You'd be surprised how many average people there are in Los Angeles." "My old science teacher wouldn't even let me build a small model... of a thermonuclear device for a science project." " Fission or fusion?" " Oh, fusion, of course." "Of course." "I plan to fit in at this school." "I've already joined the dance decoration committee." "Oh?" "Will you be at the dance then tomorrow night?" "Sure." "Will you be dancing?" "I haven't made up my mind yet." "I might just observe." "Hi, Mike." "Hey, skunk-breath." "Brother." "Mike, is that you?" "What'd I do?" "Nothing." "What do you think?" " It's you, Dad." " Yeah." "That's what all the patients said." "Dad, Dad!" "Wait till you..." "Up here, Ben." "Dad, I got a part!" "I got cast!" "Hey, all right!" "Good for you!" "What'd you get?" "One of Robin's merry men?" "Nope." " Friar Tuck?" " Nope." "Better." " Not Robin?" " No, better." " What?" " A rock." "A rock?" "An English rock." "Well, I hope the hours required rehearsing this part... won't interfere with your studies." "That's the best part." "I can be in the play... go to all the parties and all I have to do is lay there." "My son, the rock." "Yeah!" "Now, Jason, I want to talk to you about this shirt." "Now, if this is the proper image you wish to convey... not only for yourself, but for the family you represent." "Okay, all right." "All right, it's a shame, though." "I was thinking of wearing this when your mom and I chaperone your school dance." "What?" "You're not really going to chaperone?" "Had you going there for a second, didn't I?" " Put it there." " Yeah." "Hey, wait a minute." "What's this?" " What?" " What?" "For the first time in your lives, you two agree on something." "That's better." "I thought you said you didn't care whether they chaperoned or not." "I don't." "Really." "Carol, you don't even go to these dances." "Well, I might go to this one." "I'm keeping my options open." "She just wants to go because that geek out on the front porch wants to go." "He's not a geek." "He's from Los Angeles." "You're breathing heavy for him, Carol." "I am not." "We were discussing nuclear weapons." "See?" "Perfectly harmless." "Carol, you're just afraid that if Mom and Dad chaperone... you won't be able to wear makeup and go slow dancing... and run off into the parking lot with that goon." "Michael!" "Parking lot?" "My little girl?" "Heavy breathing?" "Los Angeles?" "Don't listen to him, Dad." "You know, chaperoning is not all bad." "What?" "Dad, I'm not going to do anything." "Fine." "Then you can not do it with me there." "If you want to hit me, I won't stop you." "See?" "I knew it." "I can't wear this." "Chaperones are supposed to look stodgy and respectable." "Well, then why don't you wear this one?" "You think that dress is stodgy?" "This one?" "Stodgy?" "I'm kidding." "I love this dress." "It's my favorite dress." "I have dreams about this dress." "Okay." "Oh, sweetheart, I haven't had the chance to tell you how surprised... and happy I was that you changed your mind and agreed to do this." "It shows real maturity." "Well, that's me." "Mature, yet curiously juvenile." "And, of course, the fact that Carol's going had nothing to do with it." "Carol who?" "It's okay." "It's okay." "I love you when you're hopelessly old-fashioned." "You realize this is exactly the sort of behavior we're supposed... to prevent tomorrow night." "But this is tonight." "Isn't life crazy?" "I mean, I meet you for the first time yesterday... and then I find out that we're on the same decorating committee." "Crazy, crazy, crazy." "My parents are chaperoning tonight." "I'm sorry." "Thank you." "It came as quite a shock." "I can imagine." "My parents chaperoned once." "How was it?" "It was mortifying." "They..." "Carol, they danced." "Oh, my God!" "My father started flailing his arms like some huge thrashing machine." "My mother, she kind of hopped and clapped... and yelled "Hey" in time to the music." "What a nightmare." "Ward?" "Mrs. Hinckley." "You've done our school proud, as usual." "Thank you, Ward." "If all the ladies in the Parents Association were like you... it would sure change my life." "Thank you." "We loved your chaperone letter." "It really did the trick." "Wonderful." "Who is chaperoning tonight?" "The Seavers." "Ward?" "Yes?" "I don't know." "Maybe it's okay for a man to run a psychiatric practice out of the home... and maybe it's all right for a woman to go back to work... just when her children need her most." "And maybe letting our offspring run wild is hunky-dory." "And maybe I'm just old-fashioned." "Could be." "Ward." "Ward, I'm worried about the Seavers." "I mean, the type of people we need for chaperones... should be able to control their own children." "Wow, that's a pretty high standard." "Boy, your parents sound worse than mine." " Hi, honey." " Hi." "You're home early." "Slow news day." "Oh, well then the lord and lady of the manor... have the castle all to themselves." "Hey, guys, how you doing?" "I'll get that." "That does it, I quit the play." "Ben, you're not going to be a rock after all?" "No way." "Friar Tuck sits on me all through Act 2." "Well, that's okay then, we can chaperone another time." "Well, thank you for calling, Mrs. Hitler..." "Hinckley." "All right." "Bye." " You mean we aren't chaperoning?" " No." "Somebody pinch me." "I'm dreaming." "This is great." "No, it's not." "What are you, nuts?" "Forget it, I already know the answer." "Did she tell you why?" "Well, apparently they've double-booked the chaperones this week." "Well, she lied to you." "The reason you're not chaperoning is because... you're unacceptable parents." "Unacceptable parents?" "Carol, you heard this?" "Not just me." "Scotty Siegler heard every word of it." "All right!" "I don't get it." "She said I have a mother who abandoned me... a brother who's a delinquent, a father who runs a mental ward at home." "She made my life sound like a Movie of the Week." "I'll kill her." "Maggie, don't get upset." "Jason, how can you stand there so calmly?" "Actually, I have deeply rooted feelings of anger and hostility." "I just refuse to give vent to them until we find out if there's some misunderstanding." "I'll give her a vent." "This will be all over the school by tomorrow." "Oh, Carol, it will not." "How's anybody going to hear?" "No, man, I'm not kidding." "That's what they said: "unacceptable."" "All right, hold on." "I have someone else on the other line." "Mike, this is nothing to brag about." "I know, Dad." "Hello?" "Oh, hi, Jerry." "Oh, you heard." "Yeah!" "They don't want my parents within a mile of that school." "I'll never live this down." "Just a minute." "Yesterday you were embarrassed because we were acceptable." "Exactly." "Now do you see what you're putting me through?" "This is absolutely unbelievable." "Yeah." "We're garbage!" " Do you promise to hold your temper?" " Yes." " Are you lying?" " Yes." "Hi-ho, you must be the Seavers." "Call me Jimbo." "Hi-ho." "Go on in." "I have BBQ detail tonight." "See?" "These are reasonable people." "Mr. And Mrs. Seaver, how nice of you... to insist on dropping by." "Yes, well, hello, my name's Jason." "How do you do?" "Now what's all this crud about..." "We won't take up much of your time, Mrs. Hinckley." "We just thought we should come by and clear up a little misunderstanding." "Well, won't you sit down?" "Yes, yes, we will." "Thank you very much." "Well, the thing is that we heard this crazy rumor that you said... and this is probably all wrong... but that you said something about us being "unacceptable" parents." "Oh, dear." "I'm afraid that wasn't meant for your ears." "So, you did say that?" "Oh, yes." "Just where in the hell do you get off ruining our reputation?" "We don't use that word in our home." " Damn it!" "How can you..." " Or that one." "Well, I have two more words you won't like, June." "Yes?" "No, no..." "Now, I'm getting carried away here." "It's okay, Jason, get carried away." "No, no." "I would like to make one more attempt..." " But..." "...at some real communication here." " L..." " Sport?" "When one goes out for an evening... one dresses properly for the occasion." " Oh, but, Mother..." " You know what Mother likes." "Nuts!" "Excuse me?" "Yes, Mother." "Children." "Hold on to your slipcovers, June, because I'm gonna..." "Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, what's the point?" "We're not on the same planet here." "And if we stay any longer we're just going to make ourselves crazy." "And we probably will end up hurling obscenities at this woman... and what would that accomplish?" "Well, what the heck?" "Let's give it a shot." "June bug, these burgers are very close." "Uh-oh." "Hi, Ben." "Hi." "Where's your brother?" "At the dance." " Where's your sister?" " In her room." "Where's the couch?" "I don't know." "It was here a minute ago." "Okay, I'll clean it up." "Don't clean it up!" "Don't be..." "Don't worry!" "Come here." "Put those feet up here." "Leave those shoes on." "Be a kid." "This is the way I like Ben." "Sloppy, lazy, a real kid." "And if we're such bad parents, how did Carol turn out so well?" "That's right." "And Mike!" "Mike's perfect." "Okay, I lost my head." "But the point is, nobody says we did a bad job raising our kids." "And nobody tells us we can't chaperone." "Carol?" "Hurry up!" "You're late for the dance." "I'm not going." "I'm too humiliated." "Carol, it's all right." "We're chaperoning." "Oh, great." "My life is an acid bath." "Let's change." "I'll call the sitter." "Hey, Dad, you're gonna love this." "I wouldn't be surprised if they made it a crime just to talk to my parents." "Well, I guess you wore the right dress." "Oh, nuts." "June!" "Jimbo!" "Hey, hey, hey." "Hey, hey, hey." "Nice dance." "The fact that you're here doesn't make you chaperones." "And the fact that you're here doesn't mean you're here." "Okay, now let's go way back and do a little tribute to our ancestors." "Here's some genuine fogy rock... and that means our chaperones must dance." "Well, as you pointed out, you're the chaperones." "Well, Maggie, what do you say?" "I say..." "I'll never be able to come back to this school again." "No, don't worry." "The stigma fades after a year or two." "You know, actually, your parents aren't too bad." "Look." "Hey, are those your parents dancing?" "No, no." "My parents couldn't make it tonight." "They may have to leave the country." "Oh, no, that's them." " Who?" " The ones with all the moves." "Hey, hey, come on, who do you think showed them all those moves?" "You know, your parents are reasonably cool." "Sure, what'd you expect?" "Let's hear it for couple number one!" "And couple number two!" "Mom, Dad, this is Scotty Siegler." " Hi." " Hi." " Is it okay if he walks me home?" " Sure." "But, Dad!" "Oh." "Okay." "Thanks!" "Okay." "All right... you guys got away with it once." "I don't want this to go to your heads." "This is a hot dress, Mom." "And please, don't ever wear it in front of my friends again." "Mike, go home." "Well, I had fun." "So did I." "Fogy rock, indeed." "Well, let's go, fogy." "Let's rock." "English"