"CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats..." "Hallelujah!" "It's Rev Kate Bottley." "He's a stand-up guy - it's Al Porter." "And team captain, Rob Beckett." "And facing them tonight..." "Just what the doctor ordered - it's Dr Xand van Tulleken." "She's up for a laugh - it's Sara Pascoe." "And their team captain, Aisling Bea." "Now, welcome your host," "Jimmy Carr!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics." "Did you know, for example, 30% of British men avoid changing their hairstyle?" "I haven't avoided changing my hairstyle, but until Lego make a different one, I'm stuck with this." "British shoppers spend almost £55 billion a year on the high street, and that's 55 billion and 5p if they forget to bring their own carrier bag." "And the most popular time for people to have sex is 10:24 on a Saturday night." "It certainly is for my girlfriend, because that's when I'm on stage." "Right, let's get started." "What Are You Talking About?" "That's the name of our first round." "It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three most popular talking points." "Rob's team, what do you think the nation have been talking about this week?" "Um, is it the NHS computer virus thing?" "The NHS computer virus thing - tell us all about that story, you sound very well informed." "Yeah, well, um..." "I'll be honest, when I first saw it on the news, it said, "NHS dealing with a virus,"" "I thought, it's been a slow news day, innit?" ""Is it MRSA again?"" "If you've had the flu jab, we won't be in this problem, will we?" "Yeah, so, it got hacked, the NHS got hacked, and they are saying it's probably North Korea or Russia, and, yeah, basically all the computers got, like, blocked up and then..." "Blocked up?" "I don't know what you call it..." "I didn't realise you were technically minded." ""The computers are blocked up!" They're all blocked up!" ""I'd leave that 10 minutes if I were you, love, it's all blocked up!"" "Very embarrassing, wasn't it?" "I mean, for everybody involved." "And then, this 22-year-old sorts it out, from his bedroom, so if they ever turn it into a movie, it's going to be terrible, just the North Koreans versus Devon, and all it is is turning it on and off again!" "He just bought the domain name, something like that." "This guy, the 22-year-old, you were saying it being like a film, so, Marcus Hutchins is his name - he definitely did this!" "The whole thing, the whole thing, like," ""I just accidentally stopped it," like, he did this." "I think in the interests of us not being sued, or hacked... he probably didn't do it." "OK, Xand, what would hackers find on a doctor's computer?" "Most of it would be unbelievably boring, like, came back for another prescription, came back because their ankle still hurts, but it wasn't a hack, what they did was they infected it with malware, which meant that it just disabled the computer." "So, I don't think the hackers got any information, they didn't want the information." "The way it works is, your screen freezes and it says, phone this number, and for 250 quid, we'll unlock your computer." "Do you think they were using Microsoft instead of Apple?" "Because that way, the doctors wouldn't turn up." "Because an apple a day keeps the..." "I'm just trying to put a bit of light-heartedness into a terrible situation!" "What happened with all of this tech stuff when it went down was that the doctors were having to WhatsApp their patients, and you just think how terrifying that would be, sending someone their results and them not seeing the blue ticks come up," "like, "Ohh!" "Is it too late?" "!"" "I feel like that's all anyone needs, the worst thing to come out of the NHS hacking is that people were added to more WhatsApp groups." "NO-O-O-O!" "I just hope that when someone has seen the message, and you know that they've seen the message, but they don't reply, like, how am I going to sleep now?" "Why wouldn't you reply?" "Because it's three in the morning and I'm married, Sarah." "Stop!" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "I got my answer!" "Kate, what do you think of this NHS hacking?" "It's utterly terrifying, it's utterly terrifying, because the idea that our records would be out there, not that there's anything particularly bad in mine..." "Is there not, no?" "I don't think so!" "AL:" "But God knows, anyway." "Yeah, but I'm not scared of God." "You're not scared of God?" "So, why do you not... just don't go to work?" "OK, um, the internet these days can feel like a very scary place." "It was much simpler 30 years ago." "Take a look at this." "Pat Green and Julian, welcome to Database." "Hello, Jane." "Hello, Jane." "The computer is asking me if I want to log on." "And it's now telling me to phone up the main Prestel computer, which I will now do." "Um..." "So, it's a very simple connection to make?" "Extremely simple." "Um, and I can actually leave the modem plugged in once it's done that, without affecting the telephone." "I'm now waiting for the computer to answer me." "It answers with a tone, and then I just flick a switch on the modem, and replace the receiver." "And what do you use the computer for?" "Well, for keeping household records, such as what I have in the freezer and people's telephone numbers and addresses." "The most exciting thing, I find, is, um, the mailbox." "And who have you written to recently?" "Have you got any examples?" "Yes, um, I sent a message to my doctor, asking for a repeat prescription, and he's left the prescription for me in the chemist's." "Well, you probably recognise Fred and Rose West there." "What was in the freezer was a couple of victims." "Are you allowed e-mail prescriptions and stuff like that?" "I don't know..." "Yeah, I..." "You don't have to e-mail your patients in a hospital bed, they are there in front of you, you just go and see..." "Well, if you've got a bed." "I mean, that's the really horrible thing about these NHS..." "The NHS hacking just shows what a terrible state the NHS funding is in, because they are using these very old computer systems." "And you hear about nurses going to food banks, you have doctors appearing on panel shows to get by..." "Awful." "Scandalous!" "It's tragic." "I'm still living off the proceeds of my bestselling diet book." "What's the name of that diet book, Dr Xand van Tulleken, and where can we purchase it?" "Which camera do I look at?" "Oh, any of them." "That one there." "How To Lose Weight Well, it's also on Channel 4, coming up in January." " How To Lose Weight Well?" " It is called that." "You're a vegan, you couldn't put on weight if you tried!" "Your diet prohibits it." "Crisps!" "Crisps are vegan." "As are lots of chips." "You could be..." "My cousin..." "Can you cut this out?" "My cousin Jude is so fat, and a vegan." "That's a secret." "That's a family secret!" "I'll do it, I'll do it." "Cut that out, Jude!" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Cut that out!" "Oh, no!" "I'm in trouble!" "I'm in trouble!" "Fat Jude?" "If you're watching, Fat Jude - sorry." "I'm sorry, Jude, you're such a chunky monkey wobble slob." "Well, let's have a look and see if it's up there." "Yes, of course." "It's the NHS hacking." "The NHS has been hit by a cyber attack." "It even affected our family." "We had to say, "Sorry, Nan, the nurses can't get on Facebook" ""so we've had to turn off your life support."" "Aisling's team, what have the nation been talking about?" "Well, I feel it's probably the general election." "And also, this week, all the parties were trying to target" ""dem yoots", Jimmy, dem tricky yoots, dem-dem... young people." "Yeah, so, they were all trying to target young people this week, and Theresa May made a speech and she was like," ""We are going to provide strong and stable leadership..." ""Booyakasha!" "Ya better know yourself!"" "But some people do like her, some young people, they call themselves May-lennials, and there's these, like, young girls who just adore her, and that is what happens if there's not a good boyband." "Take That look about 55 now, One Direction broke up, we need a good boyband!" "They've been trying to get young people to vote, haven't they?" "And she said no, Theresa May, to 16-year-olds voting, which I think is right, really." "I mean, if I was allowed to vote at 16," "Caprice and Pamela Anderson would be running the country." "Ridiculous decision for some..." "You can't..." "Well, 16-year-old boys, especially." "They can't make a decision!" "What do you make of this, The Reverend?" "So, the worst thing for me about it..." "Well, there are lots of worse things about Theresa May for me, but one of the worst things is that it's stopped me from being able to wear leopardskin, totally." "I've got a brilliant pair of leopardskin heels that I absolutely love and I just can't wear them any more without the bishop saying..." ""Oh, I've got a pair like that..."" "No, without the bishop saying that they look like Theresa May's shoes!" "What's the, um, progression?" "Is a bishop your boss?" "The bishop is sort of my boss, yeah." "If you were a shopping centre, like, God is the top manager of Debenhams and you are, like, where do you come in, where are you involved?" "I'm in sales." "Sales." "And if you become a bishop, you can only move diagonally, yes?" "Yeah, that's right." "And wear..." "And wear purple." "And wear purple?" " Bishops wear purple." " Oh, really?" "That's the suit if ever I get made bishop." "Oh, I love it!" "I was going to be a priest." " Were you?" " Yeah." "I went to Madrid to see Pope Benedict, and I ended up sleeping with another priest..." "La-la-la-la!" "Find a happy place!" "Not Pope Benedict?" "No, sorry, not Pope Benedict." "You didn't sleep with Pope Benedict." "That's a shame, because this show, we rarely get a scoop." "So, you went to meet Pope Benedict and you slept with a priest..." "I slept with a priest." "Were you seven at the time, or was this..." "No, no, no!" "You've got to ask." "It's all fine, I was 18." "If you think the Jews were cruel to Jesus, you should have seen how he nailed me." "It was good!" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "OK, so, the other thing that's happening is Theresa May has pledged to give people the power to delete any embarrassing content that they posted on social media before the age of 18." "Is there any embarrassing social media content that you would rather wasn't up there?" "No!" "I'm thinking of you specifically, Sarah." "I very rarely use social media." "That's interesting, let's have a look." "I mean..." "SARA:" "Make it go away!" "That tells me..." "That tells me two things." "It tells me one, that you support Jeremy Corbyn, and two, you're going to vote for May, because she'll let you delete that." "Xand, do you regret this photo?" "So, Xand, we've got..." "ALL:" "Ohh!" "Oh." "Yeah, that, um..." "I had lived in America for the last five years and I was travelling a lot..." "The food's good there, innit?" "Yeah..." "OK, um, Rob, do you regret this picture?" "No!" "AISLING:" "Oh, look at your hair!" "I don't feel..." "I don't think I have the emotion for shame and embarrassment, that's just how my head was." "SARA:" "I think it's nice!" "Well, we've got to be fair to everyone here, so I've got a clip of Plaid Cymru leader Leanne Wood, well, she came clean about her rock and roll lifestyle while being interviewed by Victoria Derbyshire, in a van, for no apparent reason." "SARA:" "Oh, my God!" "I've never heard anyone talking about taking weed so sadly." "She's like, "I did, I did take weed."" "I thought she was going to say, "Well..." "I killed a man..."" "Did you see, they were trying to, like, again, to try and get youth on board, like, the Lib Dems said they were going to legalise weed, yeah?" "And Jeremy Corbyn, he went for brunch with the grime artist JME." "Like, that is the most middle-class white woman thing you can do, go for brunch!" "What's next is he's going to go for a Pilates class with Dizzee Rascal." "I've got footage here of Corbyn meeting JME." "Do you want to check it out?" "Come on, kids." "What I've seen of him seems so genuine," "I feel like I'm going to meet one of my mum's friends." "'I don't know what it's going to be like, but hopefully it's just 'genuine and I can have a normal conversation with him.'" "JC, what's going on, man?" "How lovely to see you." "Thank you." "Thanks for coming along." "I'm JME." "I'm Jeremy." "TOGETHER:" "Make sure you register to vote!" "Oh, his name is JME" " I thought he couldn't say "Jeremy"." "You're a member of the Labour Party, right?" "I am." "But don't out me like that!" "You joined when Jeremy Corbyn came in, right?" "Yes, I did, I did." "I think he's a nice man." "AL:" "I like Jeremy Corbyn, but I just..." "I can't get..." "I don't know, I feel like he has a dirty house." "You know when you just know somebody forgets to put the bins out?" "I kind of know what you mean, though." "I imagine you'd walk in and you'd be hit by..." ""You own a cat, don't you?" Yeah." "I've got a great bit of..." "There was a BBC reporter this week who was reporting on the launch of the Labour Party manifesto, and he got interrupted, and his response to it was extraordinary - he accidentally groped a woman." "Norman, the launch seemed to go smoothly, lots of rapturous applause for Jeremy Corbyn." "But already, there is some uncertainty about what he was saying on benefits." "Yes, Jeremy Corbyn..." "Absolutely fantastic." "Just give us one second." "Jeremy Corbyn was asked whether..." "AISLING:" "What was that?" "!" "I mean..." "I feel sorry for him, because if you look where his eyes were, he genuinely thought some weirdo, which was true, was coming into shot, and he went like that, he didn't even look." "One time..." "Oh, God!" "One time, there was this elderly man..." "What did you do?" "I wasn't great to him." "I'd had a few drinks and it was, like, in an Irish centre, where there were a few elderly Irish people telling me their sad stories, and I love a sad story, and..." "OK, I'm going to practise on you." "I was like, I'd forgotten how much physical distance was between the two of us, and he was telling me about when he lost his wife, and I went, "Oh, no!" and I just put my hand" "straight down onto his old penis, and it was just..." "I mean, I kind of made his day, but I did feel guilty." "You're trying to comfort him..." "Yeah, but going, "Oh, no!" ""Ah, God, you poor lemon..."" "All right." "A little faster!" ""And how long had you been ma..." "Oh, that's the worst!"" "A little less now, actually!" ""Every day..." ""The pictures of her in the house..."" "I can hardly remember what she looked like." "Um, shall we have a look and see if the election is up there?" "Second most talked about thing, yes." "Yes, the political parties have been targeting Britain's youth." "Jeremy Corbyn is demanding 16-year-olds be given the vote." "And they will be - in two years' time." ""If the Lib Dems are elected, they'll legalise cannabis,"" "is another way of saying cannabis will never be legalised." "That's it for part one, see you after the break." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, where we're still trying to guess the nation's most popular talking points." "OK, fingers on buzzers." "What do you think, Rob?" "Is it the new King Arthur film?" "It's lost a lot of money, hasn't it?" "They've had a bit of a disaster." "It's Guy slightly less Ritchie." "LAUGHTER" "Shall we have a look at the trailer for King Arthur?" "It is inevitable." "He felt it." "Whatever it takes to hunt him down." "The man who pulled SWORD from STONE." "Behold, your born king." "I think it looked all right." "Looks like someone had an idea for... "I've got an idea for a film." ""What if Game Of Thrones was shit?"" "He makes very homoerotic films, doesn't he, Guy Richie." "There's always a lot of men and very little women." "Ever since kind of Lock, Stock and Snatch and all these ones, like, and then marrying Madonna, which is basically the gayest thing you can do." "Also, it's, like, who cares about that story?" "It's rubbish, isn't it?" "He's starting it, like, it's the sword that gets stuck and then he gets a round table." "That's it, isn't it?" "It's like, "Oh, I've got an idea for a film." "Oh, what's that?"" ""I can't find my hammer, I'm going to buy a bench."" "Maybe that's why people don't want to watch it." "It's because they know what happens." "Like, if they are going to do a reboot," "I think they should change them up a bit." "Cos sometimes, a bit sad, aren't they, films?" "They should remake Titanic, boat don't sink." "That would be interesting." "A bit choppy, and it gets to America." "Arthur's not historical, though, is it?" "Is it a myth?" "You can talk!" "APPLAUSE" "The brass neck!" "We made up our story first." "Obviously, I'm sure you are aware, but you know David Beckham is in the movie?" "Yeah, what part does he play?" "Is it a knight?" "It's the only way he's going to be one." "AUDIENCE GROANS" "APPLAUSE" "Shall we take a look at David Beckham in his highly anticipated performance?" "All right, where do you want me?" "Bouncing on my knee." "Where do you think I want you?" "Hands on the hilt, stupid." "APPLAUSE" "Well, it's not..." "I don't think it's his fault that he's bad in it." "I mean, they've asked a footballer, well, they've asked a footballer to be in a movie, to be an actor." "Like, I don't know go round to my taxidermist and ask him to do the plumbing." "It's a different job, yeah." "And if you did, like, at least the taxidermist could go," ""I'm really good at taxidermy," ""even though your pipes are leaking."" "And Beckham can..." "He's really good at football." "Whereas Jude Law, that's his main job." "I did an audition once with Jude Law." "Yeah, I didn't get it." "But he was wearing white trousers that were so see-through..." "Oh, hello." "He also had his legs really, really, really open, which I find very intimidating." "Man spreading." "Man spreading, yeah." "I worry about man spreading, cos it's, like, sort of a man trying to show his dominance by having his legs open, but sometimes I'm just hot." "AISLING:" "You're just trying to get some air in there." "Yeah, and I think, I'd rather leave them open and waft a..." "I think that looks more..." "LAUGHTER" "I think that's worse, isn't it?" "If I do that, and start going..." "LAUGHTER" "It's not a good look for anyone, is it?" "No." "Well, I can tell you, King Arthur flopping at the box office is not one of the most talked about things this week." "But as King Arthur pulls the sword from the stone, there's a dreadful screeching sound." "It's David Beckham delivering his lines." "LAUGHTER" "Right, fingers on buzzers, one more story to get." "Aisling." "The Penguin has been terrorising Gotham City once again." "And by Penguin I mean Donald Trump and by Gotham I mean democracy." "LAUGHTER" "Yeah, he was accused of perverting the course of justice by firing the head of the FBI who was looking into claims he sold secrets, or gave secrets to Russia." "He started moaning, as well, and said he's the politician that's been the most unfairly treated in history." "I've got two words for him." "Book depository." "LAUGHTER" "Two more words, Mandela." "LAUGHTER" "You are incorrigible." "You are absolutely incorrigible." "I wake up every day now and go straight online and think," ""What's he done now?" ""What's the next thing?" because you think," ""It can't get any worse" and then it gets worse." "Yeah." "Sean Spicer is the person who has to sort it all out, isn't he?" "He has to come out and go, "Oh, no, he didn't do that." "It's like he's constantly playing Whack-a-mole." "Pussy-grab him!" "No!" "He didn't do that!" "Whack him!" "Get out!" "I empathise with him because he's a reality TV star, he's not a politician." "He just wanted to win." "I mean, he's so easy to wind up, as well." "The Russians know that they just have to treat him like a teenage girl and go in, "So, Donald, what do you think of Iran?" ""I hear she's quite the bitch."" "He's like, "No, I'm really building a good relationship with Iran."" "And they're like, "Oh, that's not what she said about you."" "I also think Donald Trump speaks like Louis Walsh, you know, in the same rhythm of..." "You know when you see Louis on the X Factor." "AS LOUIS WALSH:" "You're amazing, you're a really great guy, you remind me of a young Lenny Henry." "No!" "You're just talking in your voice!" "LAUGHTER" "You can hear that, right?" "You know who I envy?" "Whoever becomes the next President of the United States of America, cos they'll just go out, take a shit on the White House lawn, and people will be like, "Hey, this kid has got some good ideas."" "The distressing thing is, if he does get impeached, and people think he might get impeached now, if he does, we've got Mike Pence." "Of course." "I mean, Trump is sort of an idiot, I think people think," ""Oh, he's an idiot" But Pence is genuinely..." "Genuinely evil." "Yes, genuinely evil dude." "It's scary, isn't it?" "But I just keep thinking of peaches." "I know it's got nothing to do with it, but everyone says impeached, and I go, "I could have a peach."" "What do you think of Donald Trump?" "My favourite theory about Donald Trump is that he has tertiary syphilis." "So tertiary syphilis, final stage, takes years to develop, and Trump has got it all." "He's got thinning hair, irritability, bad temper, paranoia, weird mood swings, but, actually, he's just obnoxious, but he might have syphilis." "I think that's not a bad guess." "I think we should give him a break." "You should give him a break?" "Little bit." "He's done some dodgy things, but, right, the main problem at the moment is that he asked the FBI to do him a favour and go, "Don't investigate that."" "But, like, if I knew the head of the FBI," "I'd be getting him doing loads of stuff." "Doing him favours?" "The geezer at KFC gives me extra wings." "I don't even have to ask now." "We've built up a relationship." "He's only doing what we would all do, isn't he?" "Come on..." "The thing about being President is, you can declassify secrets." "So with the Russians, he told them stuff that he doesn't know..." "They asked him, "Where did you get this information?"" "Cos that's the thing, that, obviously, Trump is leaking." "Who is leaking to Trump?" "Who is telling him anything?" "He is then telling other people, so he can't remember where he found it out, and also, he has the power to make it declassified information." "Because, as President, he can just say," ""This is not a secret any more." That's not a state secret no more." "But he hears secrets all the time." "It's only natural that he wants to share." "Like, do you do confession?" "Hm-hm." "And you've GOT to tell people." "No." "You HAVE to." "If someone says, "I murdered someone..."" "Oh, my God, Sara..." "It was hypothetical." "Just checking who I can talk to in confidence." "So if Sara has murdered someone..." "Right." "OK." "If I came in, in secret, and said to you, "I've murdered someone," ""here's where they are, here's how I did it, here's why I did it." ""Here's why he deserved it." Are you allowed to tell the police?" "So there are two schools of thought on this." "Some priests would say absolutely not." "The seal of confession is absolute." "You can't do anything about it." "That's the one you want." "Others would say that you are duty bound if anything illegal is to..." "Is it cool to ask a priest before?" "I think you could." "Go in, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned, which one are you?"" "The angle to take is to try and persuade the person that's telling you this to go with you to the police station." "They'll feel a lot better..." "You'll feel a lot better..." "In prison." "..once you come clean." "Do you know what, Reverend?" "There's room in that shallow grave for two." "Keep shtum if you know what's good for you." "Is it a sin to wank off a widower?" "I'm asking for a friend." "I actually think it was an act of charity, in many ways." "Let's have a look and see if Trump is up there." "Of course he is." "Yes!" "It's Donald Trump." "Trump has the lowest approval ratings in US history, but on the plus side, he's got the highest cholesterol, so fingers crossed." "So those were the nation's most popular talking points, but in other news, Pippa Middleton got married this weekend." "If you don't know who Pippa Middleton is, she's the sister of a lady who is married to a famous guy who's famous because his granny is famous." "And the Court of Appeal has denied Nestle's attempt to trademark the four-finger Kit Kat." "I once had an argument with my girlfriend over four fingers." "She said three was more than enough." "I said, "Trust me, I can take another." "APPLAUSE" "So, at the end of that round, Rob, Al and Kate have one point, Aisling, Xand and Sara have two points." "APPLAUSE" "That's it for part two, see you after the break." "APPLAUSE" "Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats." "Our next round is Pick Of The Polls." "OK, Rob, Al, Kate, what do you like the look of?" "I think we should go for the telly, remote control." "Let's do that." "You're our guest from Gogglebox." "Yeah, let's do that." "OK." "Most people would rather..." "Reverend Kate, what do you think?" "You watch it with your other half, right?" "No, I generally watch TV on my own." "I'm a box set cheater, if I'm honest." "You watch it without your other half?" "Oh." "And then I have to pretend that I haven't watched it." "Oh!" "Oh, you are awful!" "I know!" "You might as well be a Satanist." "LAUGHTER" "So what did you cheat on?" "RuPaul's Drag Race." "You went ahead on that?" "You can watch that twice because the second time around you notice more details." "I love it so much." "It's taught me everything because" "I always thought I was a terrible woman but now I've just realised I'm really bad at drag." "LAUGHTER" "Do they do a round of actual drag racing, though?" "No." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Be such a great idea." "Reverend Kate, do you feel like you help people watch telly on their own?" "Cos if I'm watching Gogglebox, I feel like we get to know you," "I've already seen the show and so it gives me permission to watch on my own a bit more." "What happens with Gogglebox is if there's a show on Gogglebox that we watch, the ratings for that show on catch-up then go up because people go, "Oh, wow, that sounds great." "Well, can you please watch this?" "!" "Would you ever just forget and sort of go, like you would anyway, just go to scratch yourself or something or find yourself going, "God, this is a great episode of EastEnders?"" "Or forget to talk?" "Just watch a programme without chatting?" "You can't forget that you're being watched, absolutely not." "I don't sit there in my dog collar watching telly." "I sit in my jamas." "Yeah." "You call jim-jamaroos jamas?" "LAUGHTER" "Bloody weirdo!" "Jim-jamaroos, put your jim-jamaroos on." "All I can think about is you, I bet you've got a sleeping hat as well." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "The thing that bugs me when I watch, when it goes to your house..." "Yeah." "..is I think you take up too much sofa space." "Me?" "The legs are up, and then your poor fella's like, he's got the legs and then you." "The problem with having my feet up on my husband's lap is that I've got a bit of a Twitter following of gentlemen who like feet..." "AISLING GASPS" "That's a weird world." "Well, I'm sorry, but I like feet!" "Right, at the moment I'm living with my in-laws because I'm getting my house redecorated, right?" "It feels like a sitcom waiting to happen." "I was on tour, she needed help with her baby, before we know it, we're there four months and it's absolutely fine." "Um..." "LAUGHTER" "I just need someone to talk with!" "And anyway, so, we moved in but they haven't got Freeview, they've just got, like," "I don't even know what it is they've got that exists but it's just like five channels and I told my mum this, she went, "Why can't you just watch it on Sky+ when you get in?"" "I went, "They haven't got Sky."" "I went, "They haven't got Freeview", and she just went..." "She didn't say anything for about five seconds." "That's the longest she's been silent since our cat died." "OK, Al, what do you think?" "People watch television differently depending on whether they're watching it on their own or in a group, like watching the match isn't the same, is it, if you jump up when your team scores and go to hug the person next to you" "and realise you're going to die alone?" "It's not the same." "Don't Tell The Bride, you know that one?" "Yeah." "I think in your case the bride will know." "I know." "When I came out, my parents were like, "Al, you need to come in."" "LAUGHTER" "My mother knew well before my dad." "That's actually true because I wasn't scared of her growing up because in Ireland, like, mothers don't discipline you." "Aisling, you'll know this." "They threaten you." "My mother used to hold, she used to run after us with a wooden spoon but she never did anything with it, and so she'd come after us with a wooden spoon but she never really explained why it was a spoon." "I'd be like, "Oh, no!" ""I think she's going to try and stir us into a delicious sauce!" "Help!"" "My mam used to say, "If you don't stop misbehaving," ""the man will come and get you." "The man will come and get you!"" "I was delighted." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "OK, so, let's get some answers on this." "Most people would rather watch TV alone than in company." "What do you think, Rob?" "I think if they're asked confidentially they'll say alone because they don't want to be mean to their other half, but alone, I think." "Alone." "Alone." "OK, what do you think?" "With people, maybe?" "I'm single and I'm living with my parents and I would..." "Hang on, how are you single?" "What's going on?" "You're a doctor..." "Tertiary syphilis." "You're on telly..." "LAUGHTER" "It's a flare-up but you sit in an ice bath long enough, it'll go down." "I know that's not true." "You're not..." "You make telly, right, but they're not there." "I mean, you're all here but apart from you..." "ROB:" "Does anyone want to shag him?" "Basically..." "We've got one!" "We've got one!" "Does anyone want a go on that?" "This will be my world." "APPLAUSE" "We've got you some!" "THEY MOUTH AT EACH OTHER" "He'd like to make an appointment." "So you're saying true, you're saying false." "Yeah, go on." "OK." "Well, I can tell you, the answer is false." "APPLAUSE" "I don't watch TV alone." "But I do watch my neighbour watching her TV alone." "Does that count?" "So at the end of that round, it's one point for Rob's team and three points for Aisling's team." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "And The Winner Is..." "is the name of our final round." "Here is your question." "BUZZER" "Supreme of chicken." "What the fuck is it?" "Every wedding..." "I go to loads of weddings, I've got a big family and it annoys me because "It's my special day, it's my special day!" No, it ain't." "I've been to six this year, it's the same thing - church, pissed up, dinner, disco, bed." "I go to about 35 a year and the worst thing about weddings for me is that if I go as a guest, it feels like I'm doing the worst kind of peer appraisal of the priest in front because you sit there going," ""Well, I wouldn't do it like that."" "Do you sometimes go to one and think, "That is," ""that sermon was bullshit?"" "Yeah, and you make notes, if someone does it, it's the same with funerals, you make sort of notes as a vicar, if someone does a really good bit you think, "Oh, I'm going to do that next time."" "Like bring them back to life?" "No, that was my boss, not me." "What's your go-to at a wedding?" "What's the reading or the thing that you do where you go, "This is in the bag"?" "Holding their hands when you're about to pronounce them husband and wife and you look into their eyes and you go, "Are you ready?" ""This is it." Oh." "Oh, that's good." "That's nice." "That's what the guy said to me at Thorpe Park before he put the bar down." "It's the same thing!" "APPLAUSE" "OK, so obviously you've officiated at lots of weddings." "Yeah, hundreds of weddings." "It's never gone horribly wrong for you." "Just take a look at this." "And empower you to do the things that you dream." "I promise to be your biggest advocate and your best friend." "I commit to sharing with you in seasons of abundance... ..and in seasons of scarcity." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Oh, my God." "It did seem like it was the vows that made her sick." ""This is romantic bullshit!" "Blargh!"" ""Your biggest advocate." "Oh, please!"" "Is there ever a moment like that where like, someone calls upon," ""Is there a doctor here?" Have you ever had that?" "Like on a plane or at a wedding?" "Oh, yeah, yeah, and usually if you sit quiet long enough, someone else..." "There's always someone..." "LAUGHTER" "I would imagine as a doctor, if I was a doctor I would get on a plane and I would have two drinks straight away so that I couldn't be asked." "It depends on the doctor, doesn't it?" "I'd rather have you pissed up doing something than a sober Harold Shipman, you know what I mean?" "Thank you." "Yeah, no worries!" "Praise indeed!" "Thank you for the vote of confidence." "OK, worst thing about being a wedding guest?" "What I get at weddings loads is constantly being asked what Jimmy Carr's really like and not being able to tell them." "I would love to get married and we only got gay marriage in Ireland last year." "Woo!" "We finally legalised it." "We're the first country in the world to pass it by referendum." "Well, congratulations." "That's a huge thing." "It's a huge thing." "APPLAUSE" "But I would love to get married." "The worst thing about being a wedding guest is trying not to shout at the bride, "It should be me up there, not you!"" "Or shout, "It's too tight!" "The dress is too tight!"" "Because you've got to be honest in this world." "Remember Jude's wedding?" "Do remember Fat Jude's wedding?" "Oh, my God, it was disgraceful!" "No-one marries Jude." "Jude rolled down the aisle." "OK, so some answers on this." "Worst thing about being a guest at a wedding." "What do you reckon?" "No Wi-Fi in the church." "I think it's having to sit next to people that you don't know and talk to strangers." "That is exactly the right answer!" "The Reverend, everyone." "APPLAUSE" "Yes, the worst thing about being at a wedding is being sat with strangers." "The last time I went to a wedding they sat me next to someone I didn't like and I had nothing in common with." "I mean, fair enough, she is my girlfriend, but still." "END-OF-SHOW BUZZER" "That sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show, which means the final scores are " "Rob, Al and Kate have two points," "Aisling, Xand and Sara have three points." "They're today's winners." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Thanks to all of our guests, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home." "That's it from us." "Goodnight."