"Good morning, sweetheart." "Hmm." "Mwah." "Good morning, sweetheart." "Uh, it doesn't matter." "How about soft-boiled?" "We're running a special on soft-boiled eggs this morning." "Or maybe over easy?" "Darrin... i-is something bothering you?" "What makes you think that?" "Intuition." "Well, as a matter of fact, there is." "The question is, should I or shouldn't I?" "My intuition could use a few more facts." "Should you or shouldn't you what?" "How sweet!" "Mr. and Mrs. America at breakfast." "What?" "Am I intruding?" "Only in the sense that you're butting in." "Aren't we the terrible tiger this morning." "Mother, dear." "Hm?" "Why don't you go and play... with the children?" "Oh, that's a delicious idea." "Uh, Tabitha." "Adam." "Grandmama is here." "What's happened to her?" "She's turned into Mary Poppins." "Sweetheart, don't ask questions." "Just relax and enjoy it." "So the minute I heard we got the Gotham account," "I started blue-skying some ideas on my own." "♪ Dear Little Buttercup ♪" "♪ Though I could never Tell why ♪" "♪ But still I'm called Buttercup Poor Little Buttercup ♪" "♪ Sweet Little Buttercup, I... ♪ Blue" "Blue-skying some ideas on my own." "Figuring that Larry would offer me the account, and I'd be that much ahead." "♪ Pretty young sweethearts ♪" "♪ And wives ♪ Well, I've been waiting and waiting." "The question is, do I keep waiting," "♪ Then buy of your Buttercup Dear Little Buttercup ♪" "♪ Sailors should Never be shy ♪" "Well, um, my" " My advice is" " Is to wait." "And my advice to you is don't wait." "Find out what your mother is up to." "I have a feeling if she's singing now, we'll be crying later." "Uh, maybe she's just turned over a new leaf." "Sure." "From poison ivy to poison oak." "All right." "I-I'll check it out and call you later." "♪ Poor Little Buttercup... ♪" "Bye-bye, sweetheart." "Goodbye." "♪ Then buy of your Buttercup Dear Little Buttercup ♪" "♪ Sailors should Never be shy ♪" "♪ So buy of Your Buttercup ♪" "♪ Poor Little Buttercup ♪ Mother!" "You called me, my darling?" "What's it all about, Mother?" "How should I know?" "I'm not a philosopher." "Oh, this room, it's lovely." "M-Mother." "The colors, the fabrics, and the lamps, the rugs." "Oh, it's all you." "Mother, what are you up to?" "Your mother just wants to sit down and have a nice cup of tea with her little girl." "Sweet." "And deliver this very special message by very special delivery." "That's me." "Uh-oh." ""Samantha," ""you are ordered to appear" ""at the witches' convocation" ""in Salem, Massachusetts," ""starting when the planet Icarus" ""passes between Jupiter and Pluto," ""and ending when the High Priestess Hepzibah" ""so wills it." "Signed, Endora, Lord High Chairman."" "Lord High Chairman?" "I was appointed by Her Serene Majesty Hepzibah." "Mother, I am not leaving my husband or my children to attend some boring witches' convention." "B" "Boring?" "Oh, it's gonna be a gas." "On the agenda is the appointment of the new resident witch of Salem." "We're going to have workshops on spells and incantations." "And symposiums on anti-pollution recipes." "Mother." "Eh" " W-what?" "I am not going to any witches' convention." "And please send my regrets." "If I do... you may regret it more than you realize." "Au revoir." "B-but" " But" " But..." "Come in." "Morning, Larry." "I figured it's time we had a talk about the Gotham account." "Mm." "Aren't they something?" "Steel mills in Pittsburgh, textiles in India, rubber plantations in South Africa." "Oil" "And to think it all started with fried chicken." "Makes you want to cry." "It makes me want to talk about who's gonna handle the account." "Of course, by all means." "It's between Ferguson and Carmichael." "What's your feeling?" "My feeling is I want to handle the Gotham account myself." "Surely you jest." "I've laid out some preliminary concepts." "Darrin, you're overworked as it is." "Not when it comes to something with as much prestige as Gotham Industries." "Darrin, listen to the old silver fox." "Every team has a coach who calls the signals, and I'm it for this team." "When the play calls for you to carry the ball," "I give you the ball." "Not before." "Larry, I want the account, and I am not interested in a raise or a bonus" "A raise is out of the question." "I simply cannot afford" "Did you say, "No raise"?" "No raise, no bonus." "Darrin, you got the ball." "The pay's the same, but I don't care." "The prestige involved in" "In representing Gotham Industries is like representing-- Oh, I don't know." "Well, have another drink." "Maybe you can think of it." "Oh." "Hey, what are you trying to do?" "I'm trying to help you celebrate." "Well, then you have it." "Well, just a sip." "Sam." "Mm." "I was thirsty." "Okay." "Out with it." "Uh, out-- Out with what?" "Out with whatever it is you're not outing with." "Well" "Let me help get you started." "It has something to do with your mother, and why she was all sugar and no spice this morning." "Only indirectly." "I-I mean, if we're going to be perfectly fair, she may be Lord High Chairman, but she still has to take orders from the High Priestess Hepzibah." "I-I'm not sure I want to hear the rest of it." "Maybe you'd like to read it." "They've gotta be kidding." "Well, o-of course, I said no." "But Mother said, "Before you make up your mind, why don't you discuss it with Durwood--?"" "Uh, "Darrin."" "So that's why she put on the Miss Goody-Two-Shoes act." "Oh, I'd like to give her a piece of my mind." "Make it a small piece." "You have very little to spare." "Mother, this is a private discussion." "I am sure that Darrin can do without your interruptions and your insults." "How can you let this mortal mistake alienate you from your grand and glorious heritage?" "Some heritage." "Giving hotfoots to the rest of the world." "Bigot." "What is that supposed to mean?" "It means "a man who is prejudiced against those who do not think or behave as he does."" "You're so right, Endora." "Hm." "I don't like the way you think." "And as for your behavior, you've set mother-in-lawhood back a hundred years." "Uh, I've had it with you, Endora." "You've changed me into a horse, a mule, a monkey" "Enough." "I admit it." "That I've failed to find your true character." "You're not noble enough to be a horse." "That's cute." "You're too stubborn to be a mule." "That's nice." "And you don't have nearly the sense of humor of a monkey." "Oh, she's a riot." "What you really are-- Mother." "is a toad." "Oh." "Uh, Mother?" "Mother, you put Darrin back the way you found him." "Of course, dear." "When he comes to his senses." "What?" "But that may" "Oh." "Sweetheart." "When are you going to learn not to be like that with Mother?" "Well, I must say, for a toad, you're beautiful." "Hm." "Your lips are cold." "Oh." "You poor thing." "Are you comfortable, sweetheart?" "Well, um, I don't blame you for being upset." "But it was a teensy bit insensitive of you to attack all witches." "Well" " How is it going to help matters to give Mother a dose of warts?" "Well, if you insist on being stubborn," "I can turn myself into a toad, the kids into polliwogs, and the four of us can live happily ever after on a nice, clean lily pad, having a few bugs for dinner." "It doesn't appeal to you, huh?" "Well, there is an alternative." "We could give in." "I'm proud of you, sweetheart." "All right, Mother." "You win." "I'll go to Salem." "Now undo your thing." "Oh." "Mother." "I don't think that's very ni" "Nice." "There." "You're as good as new." "Well, then how come I've got this hankering for flies?" "Mm." "Darn it, I missed him." "Darrin, don't kid around." "I just wanted you to know that I have a sense of humor." "Even about being turned into a toad." "I just hope Larry has a sense of humor about my asking for a vacation." "Vacation?" "Well, you didn't think I'd let you go to Salem alone?" "Well, n-no." "No, of course not." "But" " But you said that you just talked Larry into giving you that account." "Well, the same talent that talked him into it will talk him out of it." "But you said that account was the biggest thing that ever happened to you." "Wrong." "You're the biggest thing that ever happened to me." "I'll handle Larry." "Don't you worry about it." "That's not what I'm worried about." "Come in." "Good morning." "And what a morning it's going to be." "And afternoon." "And evening." "At 10:00, you meet with Art and Copy." "At lunch, you have a meeting with Gotham's public relations people." "In the afternoon-- Larry, can I just say--?" "Oh, you don't have to thank me." "You deserve it." "Well, maybe I don't deserve it as much as Ferguson and Carmichael." "There's no room in the business world for saints, so take off your halo and get to work." "Oh, let me put it another way." "I could use a little vacation." "Come July, you'll have one." "I may not be tired in July." "I-I'm tired right now." "What are you trying to tell me?" "Uh, I'm trying to tell you that I haven't had a vacation in four years." "I don't care if you haven't had a vacation in 400 years." "Yesterday, you practically bludgeoned me to give you the Gotham account." "And now you want to blow town?" "Uh, I know it sounds a little unreasonable." "The word is "outrageous."" "Oh, I'm only suggesting a postponement of two or three weeks." "I've already promised Gotham that" "Wait a minute." "I've got an idea." "Gotham has executive offices in every major capital of the world." "London, Paris, Rome, Copenhagen." "I could send you around the world and call it research in-depth." "Uh, that's not exactly what we had in mind." "They also have offices in Turkey, Spain, Australia." "What Sam and I had in mind was Salem, Massachusetts." "Salem, Massachusetts?" "When I've just offered you London, Rome, Paris?" "I hate to be stubborn about it, Larry, but we kind of have our hearts set on Salem." "See, Sam has relatives there, and the weather is beautiful this time of year." "And they make a great clam chowder." "That's much too drab for the reception." "Why don't we hop over to Paris this afternoon" "I am not speaking to you, Mother." "Now what have I done?" "You changed my husband into a toad." "But I turned him back." "Don't I get points for that?" "Oh." "You've become much too sensitive about Durwood." "I think separate vacations will be healthy for the both of you." "There are not going to be separate vacations." "When you go to Salem." "When Darrin and I go to Salem." "Ten, nine, eight" "What are you doing?" "It's called a countdown." "Depending on the atmospheric continuum, the news should reach the council just about now." "Hepzibah's coming." "Who is Hepzibah?" "Oh." "Darrin, that's like asking," ""Who is Julius Caesar?"" "Well, I'm emperor in this castle, so just cool it." "Darrin, listen to me." "She's a very powerful woman." "A-a-and she can be, well, y-you know, kind of weird." "Yeah, well, that doesn't bother me." "I took basic training in weird from your mother." "Well, my mother is an angel compared to her." "Welcome to our humble abode, Your Majesty." "We are touched by your poverty." "Well, uh" " Uh, begging Your Grace's pardon, uh, but we are not poor." "May I present my husband, Darrin?" "Bow." "Bow?" "I'll thank her to put our furniture back." "Please." "Bow." "You may advance to our presence." "Firm turn." "We would estimate 17 hands high." "Not a bad specimen for a mortal." "At three furlongs, I'm unbeatable." "We are not amused." "No jokes, sweetheart." "Samantha?" "Y-y-yes, ma'am?" "You will explain to us the meaning of your behavior." "Well, I-I don't see why there should be any confusion." "We are not confused." "We are appalled." "How dare you suggest a heretic attend the Holy Councils." "Oh, you've got it all wrong." "Wrong, you say?" "!" "We are never wrong about anything." "W-what he meant to say was that he had no intention of attending the convention." "Even" "Even if I were involved" " Invited." "Samantha." "Yes, ma'am." "We have always had a soft spot in our royal heart for you." "Because of this, we have sometimes looked the other way when your behavior has been less than witchlike." "With all due respect, Your Grace," "I will go to Salem only if my husband is permitted to go with me." "If I may say a word" "If you say a word, it may be your last." "Shh." "We are very upset." "For your own protection," "I suggest you disappear for the time being." "Sam, where are you?" "SAMANTHA:" "Here." "Where "here"?" "Uh, just a minute, sweetheart." "Do you see me now?" "Yes." "Just hold it right there." "Where are you going?" "Maybe I can't be seen, but believe me, I'm going to be heard." "Just be careful, sweetheart." "Don't worry." "I'm merely going to tell that old bat what I think of her." "Uh-oh." "Endora!" "O Benevolent Majesty." "O Supreme Supremacy." "O Mother of Us All." ""Mother of Us All?"" "We are not her mother." "You are." "And a fine mess you've made of it, we must say." "You promised us this marriage would not last." "I'm still working on it, Your Highness." "I sent him back in time..." "I turned him into an old toad, a middle-aged goat, a baby python." "And he withstood the pressure?" "He loves my daughter." "Perhaps there is more to the lad than meets the eye." "Retire." "I thought I sent you to your room." "Now, let's get something straight, Hepzibah." "This is my home, and you're an unwelcome guest." "However, if you behave in a respectable manner," "I'm willing to tolerate your presence." "Sweetheart, if you love me, you'll" "Silence!" "Let us hear what he has to say, Samantha." "Through the years, Hepzibah," "I've taken a lot of guff from you witches." "But there is a limit." "And believe me, we've reached it." "If I give in on this, I'll be surrendering the right to express myself in my own house." "Perhaps your young man should be seen as well as heard." "Thank you, Hepzibah." "I've had my say." "Uh, Y-Your Majesty." "You must admit that Darrin is a mortal with a great deal of courage." "He is a mortal with a great big mouth." "And it is going to get him into great big trouble." "But he does love you, Samantha." "And anyone who loves you that much can't be all bad." "There must be some little quality." "Some basic attraction." "Whatever it is, it eludes us." "However, we have considered the matter, and in our supreme benevolence, we have decided to withhold decision as to whether this marriage should be dissolved." "Since this is the first and only mixed marriage of witch to commoner, it requires a great deal of study." "So, as overburdened as we are with affairs of state, we will reside in this house for one week to observe this most unusual union." "Now you may say "thank you."" "Say it!" "Say it." "Please say it." "Thank you." "Samantha." "Our home is honored by your presence." "Now, that's good manners." "Ooh." "Caesar and Cleopatra are ready for their din-din." "They prefer zebra meat." "I think Hepzibah takes sugar with her tea." "Good." "I hope she gets a cavity in her upper molar that goes straight through to her sick brain." "Darrin, if you have to blow your stack, will you do it a bit more quietly?" ""Zebra meat."" "I'm sorry, Your Highness, but the supermarket was all out of it." "Well..." "Caesar and Cleopatra will just have to develop a taste for leg of lamb." "But that's our dinner." "We'll go out for dinner." "And for breakfast, and for sleeping." "I'm not gonna let her turn my house into a laboratory, with me as the prize guinea pig." "Sweetheart, there's nothing we can do about it, so you might as well relax and" "Enjoy it?" "Tolerate it." "Tolerate her telling me whether our marriage will be dissolved or not?" "Sweetheart, when you married me, you married some of my problems." "Well, one of them just moved in." "So, uh, let's just make the best of it." "Okay?" "Okay." "Yeah." "Here." "Don't get your finger in the way." "Well, you don't expect us to live in a hovel, do you?" "Sam." "Well ..." "The fate of Samantha's marriage hangs in the balance until Hepzibah makes her royal decision, next week on BEWITCHED." "TRANSCRIPT:" "adrianp55"