"(June) Halloween has always been my favorite holiday." "It's the one day of the year we get to embrace our fears, no matter what they might be or who they might..." "God!" "Come on, Chloe." "What up, donkey?" "Can you please stop putting heads everywhere?" "Hey." "Didn't you sleep here again last night?" "Was it that, like, the fourth night this week?" "So what is your costume this year?" "Detective ass-basket?" "It's another holiday for you to ruin with your snarky comments." "No, that is not true." "I love Halloween." "I love everything about it." "Really?" "'Cause it's my favorite, too, especially this year, because it's the first time in forever that Steven and I haven't been together." "You know, I've always been part of a couple's costume." "I was always Steven's "and something,"" "you know, doctor and sexy nurse, or doctor and sexy patient." "Sherlock ho." "Mm, I should've called you Sherlock ho." "(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'm not perfect, I'm no snitch ♪" "♪ but I can tell you ♪" "(Whispers) ♪ she's a... ♪ (Buzzer)" "♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪" "♪ ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪" "Hey, you want to do something fun and Halloween-y tonight?" "Like, I'm great at bobbing for apples." "I can fit, like, three in my mouth at once." ""A," you have never been sexier," ""B," I'm sorry." "I can't." "I'm busy." "(Lock clicks) Did you get it?" "I just sent out the e-mail for my Halloween party." "(Boing) (Meows)" "Hi, friends." "Who needs fear when we have..." "Love?" "(Bubbles popping)" "(Chimes tinkle) Whee!" "Whee!" "Oh!" "Brr!" "I love ice cream." "This is the invite for your Halloween party?" "James is terrified of Halloween." "Yeah, I hate being scared." "I mean, hate it." "Hate it worse than I hate applause for other people." "So every year, James throws a positivity party where we celebrate life and happiness." "Absolutely no scary costumes, just happy ones." "It all started when I was a kid." "My dad played me a vhs tape of "Halloween" on Christmas." "Ruined two holidays at once." "Thanks for going to the movies with me, mark." "Halloween and chick flicks are converging into the perfect package in Katherine Heigl's "trick or... baby?"" "(Chuckles) I'm just happy to get out of the apartment." "Halloween is a... dark time for my girlfriend." "Candy and kids make Jennifer feel fat." "Oh, my God." "Wait." "Is that Chloe?" "What is she doing here?" "She hates chick flicks." "She says they send out a negative message that women need to be in a relationship to be happy and Kate Hudson." "(Sips)" "Who is that?" "You don't think they're together." "Are they?" "She's reaching over into his lap." "She's gonna grab his Peter." "She's gonna grab his Peter right here." "Oh." "Just popcorn." "She's nestling into him." "Is she out on a date?" "Because Chloe doesn't go out on dates." "She bangs strangers at the people's choice awards and then steal's their people's choice awards." "Everyone please notice that it's not the black guy talking in the movie theater." "♪ Ba-da-ba ♪" "Ha!" "I knew that you'd have to pee after all that diet soda that you were share-drinking." "(Toilet flushes) What the hell is going on?" "What are you doing?" "I saw you sharing popcorn and resting your head on a boy's shoulder." "You're on a date." "Okay, fine." "I've been seeing this guy Benjamin." "I kinda like him, but I didn't say anything, because I knew you'd make a big deal about it." "You have a boyfriend!" "Look, we're just hanging out, okay?" "But I do find myself doodling hearts instead of babies with big balls." "That is adorable." "I wanna meet him." "What?" "No." "Absolutely not." "Yes." "I'll cook for the two of you, and we'll all get together, and we'll play scattergories." "Ugh." "Fine." "One dinner." "But do not make that fish thing you make." "My Halibut wheels?" "Fish are not round." "♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪" "So where did you two meet?" "Oh, James' Halloween party last year." "See?" "I knew Halloween was a good time to meet somebody." "This year, my plan is to get a cute guy's phone number." "Yeah, Chloe was dressed as a flight attendant... (Piano playing "it had to be you") And I asked her for more peanuts." "And at first, I had no idea what he was talking about..." "Right." "And I was like, "get your own damn peanuts."" "And then I realized, and I was like," ""oh, peanuts." Peanuts." "(Giggles) Yeah, but we didn't actually start dating until, uh, last month." "We bumped into each other at the Chelsea market." "He was buying corn." "I love corn." "I can't get enough corn." "And I was buying Rosemary-mint bath salts for my dry skin." "No, you said that you'd heard that if you smoked them, you'd try to cut out a person's tongue and eat it." "That is what I said." "Remember?" "That's what I said." "And I thought it was so charming." "I can be charming." "And, uh, yeah, we've been spending time together ever since." "Ever since." "Wow." "You guys..." "You guys are perfect together." "I agree." "You two are adorbs." "Thanks, Eli." "(Knock on door)" "Oh." "Someone order a stripper?" "♪ Mm, mm, mm, mm ♪ m-may I help you?" "Hey, man." "Guys, this is my best friend Zonk." "I told him to meet me here." "We're gonna head to the hockey game." "(Snorts and swallows)" "Did you just summon up snot only to swallow it down?" "I did." "Chicks like it." "That and the way I eat peaches." "(Benjamin) I'll call you later, sweetie." "Okay, bye." "Mm." "(Kisses) Bye." "Adieu." "(Chloe) Okay, bye." "See you later." "Bye." "Chloe, I am shocked." "(Door closes)" "I never pegged you as the relationship type, but Benjamin is so great." "You guys seem so happy together, and you could tell that he really... he really likes you." "Really?" "Do you think so?" "Oh, absolutely." "This is my area of expertise." "Great." "So it'll hurt that much more when I totally destroy him!" "(Squeals) Oh, I would throw my head back and do my evil Halloween laugh, but my neck hurts and my throat kinda does, too." "(Door slams)" "What do you mean "destroy him"?" "Every Halloween, I pick a person who annoys me," "I figure out their deepest, darkest fears... what would psychologically break them and ruin their lives forever... and then the next Halloween," "I do it." "♪" "(Man) Wait." "You've never seen "The Wire"?" "I'm gonna spend the next hour telling you how good it is." "Got it." "...goes to the docks." "Five seasons..." "You were my hypnotist?" "You were supposed to help me quit smoking, not start touching my junk in public." "Well, you stopped smoking, didn't you?" "Yes, because my hands are always busy touching my junk." "And why did you make the trigger word my name?" "Hey, Victor." "Oh, no." "♪" "I struggle with it because I'm such a private person, but finally, I was like, "yes, Chelsea Clinton," "I will be in your wedding."" "Got it." "You were my nutritionist?" "I cooked everything with lard." "Everything." "♪" "That's why I love being a director... crafting moments, taking the audience on a journey... and that's why it was so satisfying directing you in "love monster."" "Some of my best work." "(Sighs) Got it." "You know, everyone told me..." "they said," ""don't sign on to a chick flick where you fall in love with a giant pink puppet,"" "but I said to them..." "I said, "no..."" "I need money."" "(Clink)" "I had to dig deep to find his biggest fear and then construct the perfect trick." "I needed to make him fall in love with a woman who reminded him of his mother." "She walked out on him when he was 7 years old, and they were watching "facts of life,"" "and she never came back." "I'd have to do the old pump and dump." "Is that a thing?" "It is, and I'll explain it now." "The pump and dump... have sex with him in his childhood bed while listening to the theme song of "facts of life"" "and then dump him." "No way." "I do not buy this for one second." "I saw you and Benjamin together." "You guys were so great." "I mean, you guys... you were finishing each other's... sentences?" "Yes, I could do that with anyone." "But it's so... brilliant." "Yes, I am kind of a... bitch?" "Genius." "See?" "You can't do it." "Of all of Chloe's sick plans, this one is the sickest." "I mean, doesn't she realize that cute funny guys like Benjamin are hard to find?" "They don't exist." "I mean, they sometimes do." "Especially ones that you feel completely comfortable around." "Uh..." "Uh..." "Look, June, look, I think it's great that you care about your friend, but maybe just concentrate on having your own fun Halloween." "No." "I need to make Chloe change her mind and... and give love a shot." "(Mika) ♪ I want the world to celebrate ♪" "(Indistinct conversations)" "♪ I wanna come home ♪" "A lady hobbit?" "That's awesome." "Oh, thanks." "It's reflective of my journey of self-discovery." "And plus, I was like, what does every single girl want?" "A ring." "Some guys want that, too." "Excuse me for just a second." "Sorry." "Bye." "Mm." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, no." "Your first single Halloween in 40 years, and this is your costume?" "!" "It is reflective of my journey... you have hair on your feet!" "It has to be authentic, or else what are we even doing?" "!" "(Sighs)" "I've been thinking, and I know you." "You can't go through with this Benjamin thing." "Oh, please." "It's all for the trick." "I've already subconsciously started reminding him of his mother." "She was a bus driver." "I sexed it up a little bit." "I saw pictures of her, and she was not sexy." "I mean, maybe to some people, but not to me." "Once you realize how perfect you are together, you will not be able to break his heart." "That's why I made you a video about your love." "It's set to a train song, and I didn't have any pictures of Benjamin, so I just used clips of Dave from "Happy Endings."" "(Train) ♪ hey, soul sister ♪" "♪ ain't that mister mister ♪" "♪ on the radio stereo ♪" "♪ the way you move ain't fair, you know ♪" "♪ hey ♪" "♪" "(James) Why is my weekend doorman Mario here?" "He came!" "(Doorbell rings)" "Huh." "Ugh." "Uh, that is not positive." "Take that off immediately." "Luther, grab the emergency pikachu costume." "No, I'm a devil." "I'm not playing your game." "You think because you're a celebrity you can change the meaning of the holiday?" "Yes." "Just say the word, James." "Say the word, and I will tase this gentleman..." "Mario." "Hi." "I'm a cherub." "(Giggles)" "♪ Tonight ♪" "(Glass shatters)" "You're a pretty good editor." "Okay." "If you won't stop this trick, then I will." "Fine." "Go and tell him." "There's no way he's gonna believe you." "He's in the bathroom." "You know, I'm actually a fireman." "We... we will never forget." "(Chuckles)" "Sorry it took so long." "I have to take off all my clothes to go." "(Cell phone alert chimes)" "Ugh." "(Whispers) I took a shower." "A trophy for synchronized swimming." "So cool." "You know, no girl I've dated has ever wanted to see where I grew up before." "At least not so early on." "Well, I guess it makes me feel that much closer to you." "Should I put some music on?" "Sure." "(Jesse Frederick) ♪ whatever happened to predictability?" "♪" "Is this..." "The "full house" theme song?" "Oh, I don't know." "Is it?" "I just put it on random." "♪ Waiting just around the bend ♪" "♪ everywhere you look ♪" "Oh, my God." "Is that you?" "Your hair was huge." "Yeah." "Yeah." "My mom got a perm, and I wanted to be just like her." "I did everything my mom did, you know, other than abandon our family." "♪ When you're lost out there, and you're all alone ♪" "♪ a light is waiting to carry you home ♪" "I can't do this." "Is it the song?" "No." "The song is perfect." "(Turns song off) It's, um..." "Look," "Ben..." "We haven't really been dating." "I've been playing a Halloween trick on you." "I've been making your deepest fears come true by reminding you of your mother and then having sex with you and dumping you." "But I can't do it." "You seem like a nice guy, and this doesn't feel fun anymore. (Sighs)" "(Australian accent) I know." "What?" "I said I know." "Are you Australian?" "Yes." "Indeed I am." "I've been one step ahead of you this whole time, Chloe." "(Clicks tongue) I have been watching and admiring your work for years." "You were my hypnotist?" "You were supposed to help me quit smoking." "You were my nutritionist?" "...and the love scenes were a challenge." "What's that girl's deal?" "What, Chloe?" "Oh. (Laughs) Her idea of a Halloween trick is to completely ruin somebody's life." "You know, she's one of the people who told me not to do "love monster."" "She absolutely hates chick flicks." "Got it." "The moment you started being nice to me that night," "I realized I was your next target, so then I started my Halloween trick of making your biggest fears come true..." "By forcing you to live a chick flick." "That is my biggest fear." "How did you do that?" "Think about it." "When I told you that my mother walked on me, where were we?" "On a carriage ride in central park." "And when I told you" "I had trouble trusting women after that?" "We were having a good-natured snowball fight." "Don't you see?" "This whole time, I've been "revealing" myself to you, we were acting out chick flick cliches." "But what about your mother?" "Spoke to her yesterday." "She's my best friend." "We're talking about taking a trip to Laos together." "So you were the one tricking me?" "Oh, it's not over." "We're only at the end of act two... you realizing that you care too much about me to go through with your trick." "You've developed real feelings for me." "No, I haven't." "Well, I'm flying out of Laguardia at noon tomorrow to shoot a new movie in Prague." "Who knows if we'll ever see each other again." "Unless..." "You chase me down in the airport and make a heartfelt plea for love." "Good luck not meeting me there." "Happy Halloween." "Is this even your house?" "Nope." "A furnished rental." "(Door slams)" "Benjamin was tricking you?" "I cannot believe he beat me at my own game." "Forcing me to live in a chick flick?" "!" "No, that... that is not true." "I am the queen of chick flicks." "(Rattling) I know every beat." "If this were a chick flick... you'd be the quirky, unlucky-in-love best friend." "What?" "You give advice to the main character, you put aside your own agenda to service hers." "Now I understand why Benjamin's friend was so gross." "For this." "For you." "What are you talking about?" "Zonk is the guy that you end up with in the movie." "He's the Jonah hill/jim belushi/ Zach Galifianakis to your Joan Cusack/Lisa Kudrow/ Janeane Garofalo." "(Utensils clattering) I am not the supporting player." "Am I?" "I can't go to the airport because then Benjamin will win!" "But if I don't go, then he will have had the last con, and he still wins." "What are you looking for?" "I suddenly have the urge to bake." "I want to put on sweatpants and bake for some reason." "Oh, God." "Turn it on, June." "(Sobs)" "Take it off." "No." "Take it off." "I'll take off my costume if you take off your fear." "Um, okay." "So I'm gonna go." "You know who that was?" "(Door opens and closes)" "That was the last girl standing." "She was waiting for you to leave so she could have sex with me, but you never did." "So now Cheyenne has to go back to work at the pharmacy having not had sex with a TV star." "You ruined her life and my party." "You ruined your party." "What's your problem, man?" "What is underneath this fear of Halloween?" "I just think it's scary." "Yes, but what's underneath that?" "Nothing." "I just don't like scary stuff." "Maybe you were the one avoiding that sexy bunny girl." "Because maybe you'd hit it off and you'd go out on a date with her and you'd eventually move in together too soon because her parents cosigned on an apartment in the meatpacking district with not enough room for your records" "and her madame Alexander doll collection!" "You're talking about you." "Yeah, I don't love my girlfriend!" "I win." "Mario doesn't like to hold hands on the subway." "I don't know." "I just..." "(Clicks tongue) I don't know." "I mean, we'll see, but..." "I don't know." "(Cell phone rings)" "Oh." "Mark, where are you?" "We are slammed." "It is the post-Halloween, hungover, walk-of-shame crowd." "I just had a pretty intense realization." "Can you cover for me?" "Yeah, it's not like I've got anything going on good." "Thanks." "Bye." "(Sighs)" "No one cares what's going on in my life." "I wanted to get a guy's phone number, and I walked away from a cute fireman just to help... (Zonk snorts and swallows)" "Ahh." "What are we gonna do with those two, huh?" "Nope." "No, Zonk, I'm not doing this." "I am not gonna be the quirky best friend who is more involved with Chloe's love life than my own." "But I have info that could change everything." "Benjamin's not gonna direct "love monster 2."" "He backed out because of Chloe's hatred of chick flicks." "Don't you get it?" "He really does like her." "This wasn't all just a scam." "That doesn't change anything." "(Whispers) Except everything." "Zonk just told me that Benjamin turned down directing "love monster 2" because of you." "I mean, don't you get it?" "He really likes you." "You have to go to the airport." "Yeah." "I know." "I'm on my way there now." "What do you mean, you know?" "I talked to a bee." "A what?" "A Bumblebee." "(Chloe) I was going out to get flour and eggs for my sudden baking urge, furious about being conned by Benjamin, when I fell into step with this bee." "She noticed I looked well rested, not hungover, and that I smelled of deodorant, which means I must've slept at my own place, which is unusual for Halloween night." "She asked me, pointing at my heart, "who got in there?"" "I was taken aback that she could read me so quickly, so I asked if she wanted to grab a cup of coffee." "Well, I got a coffee." "The bee ate a full lumberjack meal." "Girlfriend was famished." "Anyway, she made me realize why chick flicks are so popular." "Because deep down, everyone, no matter how cynical, wants a happy ending." "(Sets glass down)" "She told me that the only way out of a chick flick is through it, that it's not whether I go to the airport or not, it's what I do when I get there that matters." "So I'm on my way to the airport now." "Wait." "So I didn't help you at all?" "Well, I like to be on the phone when I hail a cab, so kinda." "Wow." "I am so glad somebody else helped you figure this out." "Maybe I'm not just the supporting player after all." "(Cell phone alert chimes)" "("Pm's love theme" from "love actually" playing)" "(Man over P.A.) Chloe, please pick up a white courtesy phone." "Hello?" "(Benjamin) I knew you'd come." "I had to tell you something." "I like you." "(Laughs) Yeah." "Right." "(Receiver clatters)" "No, I really do." "Yes, it started out as a trick, until I realized that you were messing with me, and no one's ever beat me at my own game before." "I like you." "I..." "I can't tell what's happening." "I know." "You're wondering, is she still messing with me or is she finally being honest?" "Because maybe her biggest fear isn't being in a chick flick but actually having feelings for someone." "There's no way to know, which means I win." "Well, I thought you were gonna report me as a terrorist, so I told T.S.A. You have a switchblade in your purse." "But I don't." "You do." "(Click)" "(Police radio chatter)" "Wait." "I'm confused." "So... so you like me?" "Do I?" "You know we're gonna see each other again, right?" "This isn't the end of our story." "I know." "See you in the sequel." "Oh, please." "The sequel's never as good as the original." "Mind your own weave-wax, sweetie." "(Door slams)" "Excuse me." "I've been to every firehouse in Manhattan." "I'm trying to find this cute fireman that I met on Halloween." "(Pole squeaks)" "'Sup?" "No!" "God!" "I don't believe this!" "Believe it." "This is happening." "Are you even in shape enough to be a fireman?" "I'm the cook." "Franklin Zonkowski, firehouse chef." "They let me slide down the pole when I got a bitch to impress." "Ugh."