"Chief:" "In our previous episode, Smart was assigned to protect CONTROL Agent Michael Kendall who was on his way to London carrying top secret information." "But KAOS managed to kidnap Kendall from under Smart's very nose." "Kendall was the 21st CONTROL agent to disappear in the last six months, and KAOS wasn't stopping there." "The news of my disappearance staggered CONTROL." "Well, I have worse news than that" "Harvey just closed the CONTROL Delicatessen and went home." "They must be keeping them prisoner somewhere, Max." "But where?" "Chief:" "What Max and 99 didn't know then was that we were all being held in a prisoner-of-war camp somewhere in New Jersey, run by that infamous KAOS agent, Siegfried." "( mimicking trumpet )" "( grunts )" "( German accent ) Prisoners of Camp Gitchie Goomee" "Noonee Wa-wa, arriving today from our glorious fatherland, South America, is a man who will take you behind the Iron Curtain" "Major Fritz Kessler." "That's right, Major Fritz Kessler, the Beast of Buenos Aires." "Chief:" "Smart, posing as Major Fritz Kessler, managed to infiltrate the camp with the intention of organizing a mass escape." "Max, you'll never get away with it." "Siegfried will recognize you." "You'll probably laugh, but you remind me of CONTROL Agent Maxwell Smart." "( German accent ) That is the funniest thing" "I've ever heard, Siegfried." "Maxwell Smart, eh?" "You have a delightful sense of humor." "I drink to it." "No, really." "If not for the eye patch and the mustache on your glass, I would swear" "On your glass!" "You are Maxwell Smart!" "Shtarker-- ( speaks German )" " Never mind, Shtarker." " But he'll get away, Siegfried." "I don't think so." "This window overlooks the kennels." "He'll be torn to shreds!" "Shtarker, release the dogs." "( growling, barking )" "( theme music playing )" "( barking continues )" "Excuse me." " Shtarker..." " ( barking stops )" "What happened to the dogs?" "Well, you remember the prisoner who escaped in the woods last week?" " And we sent the dogs after him?" " Yeah." "Well, the prisoner came back, but the dogs kept going." "You fool!" "Why didn't you tell me?" "!" "Well, I didn't want to upset you, Siegfried." "At least I got them on tape before they left." " Shtarker." " Yeah?" "Why did the dogs run away?" " They didn't like the food." " What did you feed them?" "The same thing we feed the prisoners." "You fed that to the dogs?" "!" " Ja." "Why?" " You're stupid!" "You're could have made them sick!" " But, Siegfried, I was only..." " ( grunts )" "( whimpers ) ...trying to help." "Shtarker, take Smart back to the compound." " Schnell." " Ja." "Move, get him back to the compound!" "Kendall:" "Max, I wasn't able to hear much." "I had to stay undercover." "But I did hear one thing" "I overheard Siegfried say the real Major Kessler will be arriving here sometime next week." "And you know what that means, Max?" " A party?" " Yes, a farewell party." "Kessler will be taking all of us behind the Iron Curtain and then they'll brainwash us." "And then what will they do with us?" "We'll be returned to Washington where we will resume our duties as CONTROL agents." "But we'll really be working for KAOS, and we'll be helpless to do anything about it." "Chief, let's look at the bright side of things." "What bright side?" "I understand that KAOS pays a lot more than CONTROL." " Max!" " Besides that, they have a great health and welfare plan." "Don't you realize that once Kessler gets us behind the Iron Curtain, it'll be the end of CONTROL?" "Not if we escape before he gets here." "We've tried everything, 86." "This camp is escape-proof." "There must be some way to get out of here." "Let me take a look at this." "What's on the other side of these trees?" "It's an electric fence." "It encircles the entire camp, and they keep a current running through it 24 hours a day." "How much of an electrical charge runs through the fence?" "Ask Penwick." "He tried to climb over it once." "Man, the electricity that went through me" "I'm lucky to be alive." "Looks all right to me." "Max, when Penwick got here he was white!" "Well, Max?" "Chief, I have two ideas running through my head." "Now one of them is not so hot, but the other one is sensational." " Well, let's hear it." " Okay." "We tell Siegfried we're gonna send a package home for the holidays." "Then all 23 of us get inside the package." " That's a terrible plan!" " Oh." "Would you like to hear the one that's not so hot?" "Max, a mass escape is virtually impossible." "Our best bet is to send one man out, have him summon help and then come back for the rest of us." "The Chief is absolutely right, Max." "That man should be you." "You've just arrived." "You're more physically up to it." "Oh... wait a minute, Chief." "The laundry truck." "Isn't there a laundry truck that comes by here everyday?" "Yeah, that's the truck that picks up the laundry right out here and takes it into town." "All right, Chief." "Here's my plan..." "Which laundry bag is Max in?" " The one with the two Xs on it." " Oh." "He made it." "In a few minutes Max will be in town and on his way for help." "Hello, Chief of CONTROL." "I trust you are enjoying your stay at Camp Gitchie Goomee Noonee Wa-wa." "Oh, by the way, you might be interested to know we have some changes." "Effective immediately, we will no longer be sending our laundry out." "From now on, the laundry will be done here in the camp-- in that lake." "Oh, no!" "( grunts )" "Can't you sweep without making so much dust?" "I'll wait outside." "Und make it snappy." "( door opens )" "( door closes )" "Quick." "Max will be at the fence any moment now." "He'll need approximately 15 seconds to get over the fence after we short-circuit the current." "Here's a screwdriver." " Right, Chief." " Wait till I give you the word." "Ready?" "Now!" " We did it." " What happened?" "Oh." "I don't know, a fuse must have blown." "The lights are off all over the camp." " Oh, that's too bad, Siegfried." " Shtarker?" " Jawohl, Mein Kommandant." " Roll on the auxiliary power." "Ja!" "Max:" "Yee-oww!" "Let me get this straight, Smart." "You are challenging me to a race?" "That's right, Shtarker, from here to the gate and back again." "You realize, of course, that I was the all-time track star of the Third Reich und the second man out of El Alamein?" " The second?" " Siegfried was first." "If you're that good, Shtarker, I'll tell you what we will do-- let's make it a 100-yard dash." " 100 yards?" " Yes." "What do you think, Chief?" "That should just about do it, shouldn't it?" "You realize you'll have to open the gate and go halfway up the road." "I know that." "Schultz, open the gate!" "You wouldn't care to make a little wager on the side, would you, Smart?" "Yes, I think so, Shtarker." "How about $5?" "All right, 20 marks." "Oh, I'm afraid I can't go that high." " Max, 20 marks is $5." " Oh." "Then I can go that high." " Very well." "You will hold the money." " Right." "And you will also be the starter." "You count to three," " then yell, "Bang."" " On your mark... get set..." "one, two, three, bang!" " Go, Max!" "Hurry up!" " Go!" "He's out the gate." "He's got it made." " Attaboy, Max!" " He's at the halfway mark." "He's way ahead of Shtarker!" "Why is he turning around?" " Max, what are you doing?" "!" " I beat him, Chief." "Max, you were out the gate." "Why didn't you keep going?" "And lose five bucks?" "Smart..." "Smart, Smart!" "You won the race, but you almost lost your life." " What do you mean?" " Well, had you kept going..." "I don't understand it, Chief." "Every move we've made," "Siegfried has been right there." "It's almost as if he knew what we were planning in advance." "I think he did know, Max." "That's impossible, Chief." "The only ones who knew our plans were CONTROL prisoners." "I don't know who it is, Max, but one of us is an informer." "Thanks to you, we have successfully thwarted every escape attempt they have made." "Keep up the good work." "He's gone." "Okay, Chief, go ahead." "I've gotten word that Major Kessler is arriving in two days." " We'd better start packing." " No, Max, we'd better start digging." "You mean we're gonna try and tunnel I our way out of here, Chief?" "Exactly." "And we've got to finish digging out within 48 hours." "Why bother digging a tunnel when the informer's bound to tell Siegfried what we're up to?" " That's part of my plan." " What plan?" "I've been thinking about this for two days." "Here's what we'll do: we'll tell everyone that we're tunneling toward the east fence." "The informer will tell Siegfried, and Siegfried will be waiting for us outside the east fence." " That's a terrible plan." " I haven't finished yet, Max." "While Siegfried is waiting for us outside the east fence, we will actually be tunneling toward the west fence." " That's a little better." " Now this is the most important part-- you three are the only ones I can trust." "So we've got to make the others believe that we are really going toward the east fence." "Here, let me draw you a diagram." "This is the east fence, right?" " Both:" "Right." " Wrong." "What do you mean, "wrong"?" "That doesn't look anything like the east fence, Chief." "Where are the trees and the birds and the flowers?" "Max, I'm not trying to be realistic," "I'm trying to draw a diagram." " Go on, Chief." " Thank you." "Now this is the west fence, right?" "Up here is the north fence." "Down here is the south fence." "This X marks where we are right now." "That's where we'll start digging the tunnel." "This X marks the east fence where Siegfried will be waiting for us." "This X marks the west fence where we're gonna fool him and come out." "Now does that do it?" "Almost." "So that's how they plan to escape?" "A truly ingenious plan, similar to the one I used to get out of El Alamein." "But thanks to our informer, we'll be waiting for them when they come up at the west fence." "We don't tic-tac-toe here!" "Sorry, Siegfried." "I couldn't resist." "I go now and take all the digging implements" " away from the prisoners." " No!" "Leave the implements alone." "I want them to keep busy until Kessler gets here." "But Siegfried, suppose they escape?" "They can't escape." "Don't you understand?" "As soon as they come up at the west fence, we'll be waiting for them in the truck, und Kessler will be seated behind the wheel." "( stomps loudly )" "Siegfried, you are the most corrupt individual" "I have ever met!" "Und you're standing on my foot!" "( yelling German )" "( groans )" "( buzzing )" " Yes, what is it?" " Max:" "We have a few more bags of dirt to get rid of, Chief." "Okay, Max." "Penwick, give me a hand." "( pants )" "Okay... here." "Max:" "Hurry up, Chief." "These things weigh a ton." "Yeah." "( pants, grunts )" "Penwick, have the men distribute that dirt all around the camp, and then bring the bags back." "Right, Chief." "How are you doing, Max?" "I'm all right, Chief." "Kendall just took over the digging." "How far have you tunneled, Max?" "Well, how far would you say it is to the west fence?" " About 200 yards." " Well," "I'd say that we've tunneled... oh, must be... 12, 14 feet." ""12, 14 feet"?" "You and Kendall have been down there since 6:00 this morning!" "Yes, Chief, but we didn't start digging until 8:00." " Why not?" " Well, you see, for the first two hours we couldn't decide who should dig and who should fill the bags with dirt." "So we tossed a coin." "Max, it doesn't take two hours to toss a coin." " No, but it took two hours to find it." " At the rate you're going, you'll have to dig all through the night to reach that fence by morning." "If only we had some flashlights, Chief." "You don't have any flashlights." "You're just gonna have to make do with what you got." "Okay, Chief, but I'm warning you-- some of those fireflies are beginning to weaken." "Max, go back down there and fill those bags with dirt!" "Right, Chief." "Oh, by the way, Chief, what are you doing with the dirt?" "We're having all the men fill their pockets with the dirt, and when no one's looking they sprinkle it around the compound." "Hey, that's a great idea, Chief." "I saw that in a movie once." " What movie?" " "Cave-in."" " Goodbye, Max." " Bye, Chief." "Siegfried, he's pushing the rock back over the tunnel entrance." "Get away from that window!" "I don't want them to be suspicious." "I want them to keep digging until Kessler gets here in the morning." "Oh, what time do you think Kessler will get here?" "Exactly 8:00." "I hope he gets here earlier." "I got 7:30 in the pool." "You and those stupid pools." "Don't you understand you don't stand a chance of winning?" " Why not?" " Because I got 8:00 in the pool." "Max has passed under the fence and is starting to tunnel up, Chief." "Well, that's great." "Wilkins, keep an eye out for the guards." "Smith, go out to the garden and get on the flower stem." "All right, men." "Now this is it-- as soon as Agent 86 breaks through," "I want all of you to get into that tunnel as quickly as possible and make your way through it single file." "As soon as you come up outside the fence, head immediately for the woods." "Don't turn around, don't look back, just go." "We'll rendezvous tonight at the bus depot in Union City." "( murmuring )" "Ja!" "It looks like they're breaking through." "Is everything in readiness?" "Ja, Siegfried." "The guards and the truck are waiting in the bushes just outside the west fence." " I don't see him." " Yeah, where is he?" "That's strange." "He should be coming through any minute now." "( cracking softly )" " Hey, Chief." " Huh?" "Look." "He's tunneled south instead of west." "You know what I could have used more than a flashlight, Chief?" "A compass." "Max, how could you have been so far off?" "I don't know, Chief." "There was a big pipe down there in the tunnel." "What pipe?" "Why didn't you dig under it?" "Well, Chief, I couldn't dig under it." "It was too big." "I tried to hack my way through it with a shovel, but I couldn't." "It was too big." "So finally I had to make a detour around it." "There's only one thing to do" "We'll have to charge the main gate." "Most of us probably won't make it, but some of us will." "Is everybody ready?" "( German accent ) All right, get back all of you." "Kendall, you've got a gun!" "Gee, that's great." "Chief, look, Kendall's got a gun!" "So you're the informer, Kendall?" " That's correct." " Oh, uh... that's why he's got a gun." "You mean, all that stuff at the airport was prearranged?" "That's right, Smart." "Wait a minute, you're talking with an accent." "Before I was talking with an accent." "Now I'm talking right." "Well, Kendall, I hope you realize this is going to be a black mark on your record." "Right, Chief?" "Shut up, Smart!" "Chief, can he talk to me like that?" " Shut up, Max." " Kendall:" "All right!" "Now, all of you, move away from the tunnel!" " ( grunts )" " Good work, Max." "I can't believe Kendall was the informer." "Yes, Siegfried certainly put one over on us." "You bet your sweet shoe phone, Smart." "Throw that gun over here!" "So you knew all along that we weren't tunneling to the east fence." "That's right." "That's why I had all my men waiting outside the west fence." "Well, Siegfried, it looks like my plan worked perfectly." "What are you talking about, Smart?" "Well, when we told our men to dig toward the east fence, we knew that the informer would tell you that we were really digging toward the west fence." "So you put your men outside the west fence." "And now you're in here with us, and you're completely outnumbered" "That was my plan, Siegfried-- my plan." "And I thought it out all by myself." "Then you will be the first one I'll kill." "Uh, well, not exactly by myself-- the Chief helped a lot." "Siegfried, they're coming!" " They're coming!" " Who's coming?" "!" " ( sirens blaring )" " Everybody-- the electric company, the gas company, the fire department-- everybody!" " What are they coming here for?" " I just got a phone call." "It seems there was a power failure in Passaic, and they traced it to a cable running under our camp!" "( whispers ) That must be what you ran into under the ground, Max." "Of course." "I know that, Chief." "When they get here and find we are running a prisoner-of-war camp without a license, we'll be arrested." "Come on, we've got to get out of here." "Kessler's waiting." "Kessler is here?" "It's only 7:30." "Siegfried," "I win the pool!" "( Siegfried speaks German )" "Get out of here, Shtarker!" "Till we meet again, Smart." "All right, men, give me your attention." "This was a tough one, men, but we made it." "We're gonna march out of here and a lot of those people in Passaic are gonna be watching us." "And I want them to see the kind of CONTROL agents we really are-- proud and undefeated." "Now fall in in a column of twos." "Max:" "All right, everybody, fall in." "Let's go." "Fall in." "Look smart." "Penwick, get the door." "Ready?" "Follow me!" "( whistling theme song )" "Oh, Max, this telegram came for you while you were in the shower." " They can't do this to me!" " Who?" "The Passaic Electric PowerCompany." "Remember I told you about that cable that I cut through in the tunnel?" "Uh-huh." "They're demanding that I pay $485 in repairs." "Max, what are you gonna do?" "!" "I'm not gonna pay it, that's what I'm gonna do." "Well, can't they make some kind of trouble?" "How?" "We live in Washington." "They're in New Jersey." "But I thought all these companies were affiliated." "So what if they are?" "What kind of trouble could they make?" "I'll send them a check first thing in the morning." "( theme music playing )"