"Smuggler FM." "That's a wonderful new jingle, Gordon." "Someone's been busy in the back room." "Eh, Dan?" " Play it again?" " Why not?" "Smuggler FM." "Smashing." "You know, Gordon..." " I hear an anecdote coming on." " The other day, someone said to me..." ""what's it like living in the last county in England?"" "And I said, "Cornwall's not the last county, it's the first."" "Mmm... all right." " Hey, what's that?" " That is our new window." "Our new window?" "I just woke up and thought a window would be great there." "Chloe, we're going around the world... we don't need a new window." "JC... there's a sock on your, um... it's in mourning." "It's sad." "I mean, six weeks without love is a very long time." "But, now, all that's over." "No more suffering." "Yeah?" "No more back pain." "Just you and me... and a whole lot of catching up to do." "So, just lie back and relax." "And let the Jeepster do the work." "Breakfast?" "Breakfast?" "Trifles sound good?" "You are feeling better." "Hey..." "Nice pinny." "Shhh!" "What's going on?" " Surf." " Surf?" "Six foot and clean?" "Come on!" "Chloe..." "you're going to kill me." "I've really screwed up." "I've got a lesson." "What, now?" "Sorry." "The kids, they're... waiting." "Crab, not again, man?" "Moose, you dragged me out of bed for this." " He promised." " It's coming." "Oh, shape." "Yeah, two weeks, four days and every night." " It's coming - unbelievable." "What have you got there, shape?" "Hawaiian seaweed." "Call upon the gods of the islands... to send waves, sprinkle it upon the water... and chant the sacred name of "makahee... kee"." "How do you think you say this?" "Shape, please, spare us the guru shit." "How many days good surf do we get in Cornwall?" "I don't know." "About one in ten." " And how about Hawaii?" " Endless summer, man." "Yeah, can't wait." "One perfect barrel after another." "All right for you." "What have we got to look forward to?" "Winter." "What a bummer." "We get gnarly waves." "When you've broken the ice." "Makaheekee." "Makaheekee... makaheekee... makaheekee... makaheekee!" "Makaheekee!" "...smuggler fm." "All these young people seem to want to leave in the winter." "It does get quite bleak, round about." "Bleak's an awful strong word." "I won't hear bleak." " "Damp", maybe then?" " "Fresh", I'll give you fresh." "Well, I've never been one for foreign travel... not with all the beauty of Cornwall on my doorstep." "Well, it seems this young lady is going all around the world." "And we wish Chloe well on her trip to paradise." "Huh, with a special request from someone called the Jeepster." "Wait for it, remember I don't want to see any dragging feet." "It's one clean movement, and... paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle... up!" "Yeah." "When are we going in the water?" "Listen, this is really good practice when there aren't any waves." "My mum paid you to take me surfing." "First rule of surfing..." "mellow out." "Hippy!" "Hip-py!" "Hippy!" "Chloe, that's... that's gonna burn." "I expect you had to tell the kids your shark story." " Chloe, it's burning, honestly." " It's supposed to caramelize." "Yeah, it doesn't mean napalm it, does it?" "Look... really, pass me the cream." "Got any of that syrup?" "What?" "Nothing." "What?" "I just... er..." "like watching you cook." "Yeah?" "Nice pinny!" "Out!" "Okay, kids, what'll it be?" "Trifle." " Yeah!" " You're not old enough." "Sorry, only one portion left... and I promised the great shark rider that he could have it." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Tonight." "And you'd better not have any other plans." "Oh, no, no, I'm... all yours." "Oh, I know, I know, JC, it's been too long." "No worries, me and Josh can handle it." "Yeah..." "you, me, slim, Josh... all the boys together again." "Yeah, all right." "Sweet." "See ya." "JC's up for it?" "Of course." "I told you he would be." " And he knows?" " Sure." "Do us a favor." "Bang that gong when I give you a green light... yeah?" "Yeah?" "Sweet." "Hard as you can." "A nice one!" "Fuck...!" "Are you having a go at me?" "Just having a laugh." ""fuck...!"" "Excellent." "Do I get royalties?" "What if some townie jerk buys this place?" " That's no drama, man." " He's right, you know." "He'll probably turn it into a captain Ahab's theme bar." "Where are we gonna hang then?" "Crab... man, you're starting to stress." "Eighty-eight." "You did eighty-eight?" "Eighty-eight." "What can I say, man?" "You know... congratulations." "Ladies and gentlemen, the new king of the pipeline." "Would the old king like to present the crown?" "Eighty-seven..." "come on!" "Dig in, go on!" "Eighty-eight!" "Come on, one more..." "one more!" "Eighty nine!" "And still the king... yeah!" "thought you hated the press." "It's for my mum, all right?" "Now, I know what you wear's important, Josh, so you choose." "Which balaclava..." "green or blue?" "He's dead." "They were only sleeping pills." "Just how many did you give him?" " Enough." " How many's enough?" "Enough." "Plus a couple of extra to be on the safe side." "Yeah... if we end up in court, remember, you're the one who drugged him." "Relax, I work a lot with pharmaceuticals." "Oh, I'm sorry, I must have missed your six years at medical school." "Look, I know what I'm doing." "The good stuff for my mates... and flu pills for the punters." "Told you he'd be all right." "I told you, no stag night, Dean." "No getting pissed, and no old stripper... making me rub baby oil into her pink bits." " It's not a stag night." " No?" "We're going surfing." "Oh, my god!" "You can do this." "You can do this." "Painkillers." "Yeah... trifle?" "I hope that's a 12-inch, 'cause this recipe takes forever." "And I want to hear you..." "Beg!" "please, Chloe..." "I love it when you beg." "Don't just lie there..." "I want to see wiggling." "Wiggling." "P- please, Chloe... you'll have to do better than that." "C" " Chloe... please... good!" "But it's not good enough." "Chloe...!" "What was that?" " I'm not stayin'." " You're stayin', Terry." "You can't make me enjoy myself." "Oi, this is it." "Number thirty." "The lights are still on, ring the bell." "Oh, no..." "no need." "No!" "Dean...!" "It'll be all right." "Six weeks without sex." "But that didn't matter, just as long as you stayed king of the pipeline." "Don't tell me..." "it's going off!" " Oi... oi!" " Oh, my god!" "Who the hell are they?" "They're mates from London." "Dean:" "Oi, JC!" " Chloe, I grew up with them." " You never grew up!" "He'll be packing his bag!" "Told ya!" "I'll take them to the caravan and then I'll come straight back." "Don't bother." "What, you're throwing me out?" "Oh, yeah, that's mature." "Yeah, go on, walk away!" "Now you know how it feels." "You forgot something." "There's..." " there's a..." " there's a what, Josh?" "There's a strawberry sticking out of your shirt." "You can't beat this Cornish cream, can you?" "So, what..." "you kidnapped him?" "Well, it's the only way we could get him away from his TV." " Why couldn't we stay at her place?" " Well, 'cause his bird freaked." "She didn't freak, Dean." "She was a bit surprised... with the "apocalypse now" fireworks display." "I need a place to sleep or I'm gonna get a migraine." "I've got a much better place, Terry." "You're gonna love it." "Oh, god!" "The property boom just sort of passed you by, didn't it, JC?" "Bastards!" "You kidnap me, then you expect me to sleep in this tin can with my sinuses!" "It's a lot bigger than it looks on the inside, ter." "I promise." "It's a bit like... you know, like the tardis." "I can't sleep here!" "One life!" "No fear!" "Why did we ever split up, man?" " Our musical differences." " Musical inabilities." "I can't believe slim used to play the drums." "Whatever happened to him?" "Running that pub." "Thinks it'll fall down if he leaves it for ten minutes." "And now he's getting married." "Well, he has to, hasn't he?" "Fit in with his timetable." ""I'm nearly thirty, time to get married."" "Well, you're as young as you feel, right?" " You got any more coat hangers?" " What?" "How many clothes do you need, Josh?" "We don't all want to look like an agricultural laborer." "So, what's the problem with your bird?" "No problem, Dean." "Just try calling next time." "I thought you called." "Why do you always have to make a meal out of everything?" "We're here, aren't we?" "Here... have a beer." "Remember the first time we came down?" "Yeah... just finished school." "You nicked your dad's van." "You stood up first time..." "total natural." "Now you're off 'round the world." "You've got it sussed, guy." "Yeah." "One life..." "no fear." "Yeah, live for today!" "...smuggler fm." "Now, it's time to join young bob, who's at the county livestock show." "Bob:" "I am, Gordon... and one of the farmers has just told me to expect rain... 'cause all his heifers are lying down." "Well, the forecast is sunny with cloudy spells." "His cows are lying down." "My old mum used to swear by thistle dew." "I remember an old boy saying to me, "frog spawn's best way of telling."" "Well, I'm sure our listeners will want to..." "Terry's done a runner!" "What?" "He won't get far, man." "So, he took the bike." "He has to go west." "Well, it's the only way out of here." "Problem is, though, it's gone half seven." "It's milking time." "So... he doubles back, you see, and takes the path to the left." "Now, he... he could go right, but that's uphill." "Terry's a fat git... so he takes the path of least resistance." "Downhill all the way." "Now, you see, he realizes there's no turning back... there's no stopping." "Which means I reckon he's gonna end up... right here." "Right, since it's nearly eight o'clock and the tide's coming in... he's gonna be cut off." "There's only one road in..." "one road out... we can't miss him." " Morning, Terry." " Morning, Terry." "You're up early." "Bastards!" "Well, it's not exactly, er..." "California, is it?" "Where's the sand?" "There isn't any sand, Terry." "It's reef." "Goes all the way out to sea." "You've just fallen onto the best break in England, Terry." "Excellent... snap." "Looks flat to me." "It takes a massive storm to set it off." "The swell... it rushes in... then, smacks against the rock... and, boom!" "Biggest waves you've ever seen, man." "You see, the wave... it sucks up all the water... so you miss your take-off... it's gonna slam you straight into the slab." "We call it, "the boneyard."" "The boneyard?" "If I don't eat soon, I'm gonna get a migraine." "Twelve foot." "All time classic wave." "Twelve foot?" "Wow... that's... big." "I sense doubt." "No, no, no... if you say it was twelve foot, then it was twelve foot." "Is there a system for measuring waves... like a Pythagoras triangle thing or something... 'cause you were pretty specific about twelve foot." " It was twelve foot, all right?" " Yeah, twelve foot." " All right." " That's, er... 3.6 meters." " Hi, man." " All right, Essex?" " All right, man?" " How are you doing?" " Good, yeah." " How are you?" "All right?" "You're really a face, JC." "Oh, yeah." "Just... just remember I live here, all right?" "What, you think we're gonna embarrass you?" "No." "Just don't ask for any beach boys records... and don't try using any surf-speak." "All right?" " Flat, isn't it?" " Yeah." "Can you just..." "sit down, Dean?" "Sit down, take a look at a menu." "I've just gotta go and sort some business out, all right?" "Crab..." "what are you doing?" "Chloe had to nip out." "Man:" "Oi, Crab, where's my food?" "That's my pinny." "Have you seen this?" ""A little bird tells me, record producer Josh Tambini... seems to have scored another hit with supermodel Carla." "Let's hope his next hit doesn't come from her heavyweight boxer husband."" "I mean, where do they get these stories?" "Another one for your mum's scrapbook, Josh." "Everything's a joke, isn't it, Dean?" "No, it's shocking." " It's true, though, isn't it?" " That's not the point." "So..." "who are the grommets?" "Oh, they're..." "friends from London." "They're cool." "Yeah, Mike?" "Good piece, wasn't it?" "Help with our arrangement?" "Listen, Dean... what you've given me is tittle tattle." "Now, you wanna work for me, I want something big." "Something life or death." "Do you know what I mean?" " Well, I'll work on it." " Well, good." "Yeah, all right." "Bye." "I'm telling you, Terry... it's no "happy ever after" fairy tale." "Yeah, I know." "Your marriage didn't work out." "Exactly." "Just because men and women's genitalia happen to fit together... we think we're supposed to spend the rest of our lives together." "You know what marriage is?" "De-sign... fault." "It's not like that." "Well, what do you and Sarah have in common?" "We watch TV." "Yeah, apart from watching TV?" " Watch videos." " What do you talk about?" " Well..." " apart from TV... and videos." "De-sign... fault." "Do you really think a screwdriver's gonna make everything all right?" "Well, you see, this isn't any old screwdriver you see, Chloe... this actually is the king of screwdrivers." "Shall I tell you what's so tremendous about this multi-speed beast?" "It's battery operated, which means you can use it... anywhere in the world." "I'm not going around the world." "What?" "I'm sorry about last night, but it's ridiculous." "I'm buying this place." "You what?" "This dump?" " They're selling it tomorrow." " Twenty-four hours and counting." " How are you gonna buy it?" " Thought I might try money." "Well, you can forget about the airline tickets, for a start." "I mean, they're non-refundable." "It says on them, "non-refundable."" " Then, take a friend." " Oi, oi... surf's up!" "Dean, Dean..." "go away, go away!" "Chloe..." "just... slow down." "Yeah, let's just..." "think about this." "I mean, it's..." "a bit like the bathroom." "You wake up in the morning, you have this brilliant idea... tear everything down... and then you lose interest." "Are you telling me I don't know what I'm doing?" "Chloe, you are wonderful." "You're beautiful." "But, yeah, you don't know what you're doing." "Are you telling a woman with a pan of burning fat in her hand that she doesn't know what she's doing?" "Yeah, all right..." "all right... yeah, right." "You know what'd happen if you did buy it, don't you?" "What?" " You'd end up like Terry." " Who's Terry?" " Terry's done a runner." " Josh... in a minute, man." " We need you now, JC." " Josh, in a minute." " Who's Terry?" " We'll talk about it later." "There is no later." "We're finished!" "She just gets these crazy ideas." "I can talk her out of it." "Take some advice... worst thing you could do is go running after her." "What, you reckon?" "Absolutely." "Just play it cool." "Wait for her to see sense." "Yeah, I mean, she's got no money." "What's she gonna do?" "Yeah." "Sarah?" "Sorry..." "I know, sorry." "At JC's in Cornwall." "Oi, it wasn't my idea." "Listen, did you... what, you think I'm not worried about my sinuses?" "Listen... did you tape "Arthur's knights"?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "The phones aren't too reliable down here." "I know you all think it's stupid, but I've got a wedding to arrange." "I've got responsibilities." "I've got people counting on me." "And I'm not gonna let them down." "Now... you say what you like... but I'm getting the next train out of here." "All right, Terry, if that's the way you want it." "That..." "is the way I want it." "Do you know what time the next train is?" "Let's see." "That would be..." " Tuesday." " Two days?" "!" "It's a small town." "We're out of season." "Bastards!" "Oh, come on, Terry." "What can't you arrange on the phone?" " Josh, lend him you're mobile." " You know how much the calls cost?" "That's all right, he can use mine." "Nice model." "Now, I don't know about you lot... but I could use some blue juice." "Oh, yes!" "Hello... hello?" "Push the button, Terry." "Push the button, Terry!" "Hello?" "Where the hell are we going?" "It's a short cut." "When you say the napkins are "prune"... are they more red, or purple?" "No, saying they're more "snapdragon" doesn't help." "Right, we're gonna start off over there." " JC, the breaks are over there." " These do keep things dry, don't they?" "But you've got to start off slowly, man." "You've got to treat the sea with a bit of respect..." "Dean, are you listening?" "Dean!" "I saw a turd!" " It wasn't a turd, Terry." " What was it, a round brown fish?" "All right, mate." "This wave's yours." "Ready?" "Remember what I said." "All the way in." "Go, go, go." "Go, Terry!" "All the way in!" "Go on, ter!" "What's happening?" "Starting to pick up." "But nothing for a big wave rider like you." "Well, there's a storm coming, might set the boneyard off." " You going out there?" " Well, you never know." "Some stupid townie tried it once." "He never came up." "What, he killed himself?" "JC's the only one who's done it." "That's why he's a legend." "My wave!" "Out of the way, out of the way!" "Comin' through!" "Piece of piss, this surfing!" "You're not going in?" "No." "Bury me anywhere..." "but don't bury me at sea." "My head hurts." "Oh, I've got just the pill for you, Terry." "Now, this..." "will make you feel much better." "Sorry about you and Chloe, man." "It's all right, man." "It's cool." "It's nothing." "If you're going around the world, do you mind if I have a crack at her?" " We thought we'd do a collection." " A collection for what?" " To help her buy the lease." " She's not buying the lease." "She's coming 'round the world with me, all right?" "Radio:" "Now here's a fascinating letter... from one of our farmer listeners, Dan." "Seems he found a way to farm at night." " How's he go about that, then?" " So simple, it's brilliant." "Lights..." "massive industrial lights." "Simple as milking a cow, eh?" "Just take a look at the productivity levels of his root vegetable crops." "Parsnips up, 32 percent, turnips, 37." "And carrots..." "a whopping 45." "Look, I live here." "I can't afford to rip people off." "It's good gear." "All right." "Sweet." "Cheers, guys." "Listen, Josh..." "I am not chasing after Chloe, all right?" "I've just got to see a man about a board." "You can try and show Terry a good time, can't you?" "Yeah..." "I suppose so." " I know what I want to do." " You name it, ter." "Anything, man." "I want the biggest Cornish cream tea you've ever seen." "Livin' on the edge, Terry." "If everything was in harmony... do you think I could levitate?" "Save it for the tourists, shape." "JC, there's something I want to tell you." "Something a wise man once said." ""A man who chases fairy tales..." "might miss his own happy ending."" " Was this is in India?" " King's cross station." "But enlightenment often comes out of the mouths of fools." "Yeah, well..." "I've got it all under control, man." "You know, all this staying in... all this saving to go around the world?" "I've forgotten what it's all about." "We had our first date on this bike." "You were just kids, then." "I'm still young at heart." "And Chloe is, too." "Just gotta remind her." "Well, find harmony... and maybe I'll get to fly." "You just mind out for all those pigs coming into land, shape." "JC?" "Yeah?" "It's coming." "Course it is, shape." "What a broken down old wreck." "Where are you going, JC?" "Oh, I'm just going down to the machine." "Started body surfing?" "No board." "No, no..." "I'm just gonna go and meet the boys down there." "Oh." "We can give him a lift, can't we, Chloe?" " Ready?" " Yeah... er, wait a sec." "All right in the back, there?" "No problem... what's with the lights, man?" "She's throwing a rave." "To get some money for the lease." "One day the shaper's gonna get these brakes fixed." "If you're gonna do it, Terry, do it in style." " My treat." " Oi, oi!" "Dean...!" "You've given him shit, haven't you?" "No, no..." "that's good "e"." ""Good 'e"'?" "Relax, will you?" "I know what I'm doing." "I'm a professional." "Dean... lawyers are professionals." "Doctors are professionals." "Drug dealers are not professionals." "Remember our first date on that bike?" "Yeah..." "remember that?" "I hated that bike." "You did?" "Why do you think the carb was always failing?" "If I hadn't busted it, you'd have never gotten rid of it... thinking how cool you looked." "You know what a lease is, don't you, Chloe?" "It's a massive weight around your neck." "Good!" "I'm tired of drifting." "But you work so hard, you don't have time to party." "And you know what happens when you don't party, don't you?" "You get stressed!" "It's stress and work, and work and stress." "And before you know it, Chloe, before you know it... you're gonna end up like Terry." " Who's Terry?" " Terry is boring." "He's boring with a capital "b"." "He used to have a life, then he got his pub." "And then... he changed, just like you're gonna change." "Yeah." "Well, maybe it's just you who thinks he's boring." "No way." "You've just got to see him for yourself." "You'll meet him at the rave tonight, Chloe." "Fuck it!" "Come on, Terry." "Can you hear music?" "Cakes... come and get your cakes, Terry." " What is that tune?" " Those were the days." "I gotta find out." "Oh, thanks for your help, Josh." "Come on, Terry." "Come on." "Yeah, yeah, yeah..." "I like it." "I really do." "Junior." "Call me "junior"." "So I get the gig?" "I'm sorry." "Just not what the kids are into anymore." ""Lonely for you, baby"." "Sam Dees, 1968." "The label, SSS international?" "All right?" "Does this look like a "mastermind" audition?" "What else you got here?" "Hey..."time will pass you by"." "We used to close the casino with this." "They used to close Wigan with "I'm on my way"." "Listen, I was there when you were still wetting nappies." "And it finished, "time will pass you by"..." ""I'm on my way", and "long after tonight is over"." "Every week, in that order." "You went to the casino?" "Number 497." "Aw, a real stomper..." "Ossie Sands' "price of pain"." "You know, I sampled this." "You're Josh Tambini!" "Yeah, but don't go treating me like a superstar or something." "It's no big deal." " Mike?" " Yes, Dean?" "Somebody died." "Really?" "Excellent." "I thought you might like that." "This is a life or death situation and we're gonna be there." "Dean, I'm looking at an empty chair." "You pull this off, and you get to sit there." "Yeah." "Cheers, Mike." " I'll talk to you later." "Bye." " All right, bye-bye." "Terry..." "Terry..." "Terry!" "Sit down." "Bet you're feel a bit... horny, don't you?" "Yeah..." "I do feel..." "I do feel weird." "All touchy." "That's not "touchy", mate." "That's horny." "Look around." "This place is perfect." "It's full of women whose husbands are on the golf course." "You see anything you fancy?" "I'm getting married." "I'm not... that's Mary Fenton." "What, the actress?" "Nah..." " maybe... is it?" "She was, er..." " Guinevere in "Arthur's knights"." "Yeah, monday nights when we were kids." "Is it?" "It is, it is." "She's a goddess." "She's smiling at you." "You've got to go for it." "I'm getting married." "If you don't, I will." "Guinevere's got a wet chastity belt." "Leave her alone." "Dean:" "Well, come on, she's leaving." "Mary!" "Come on." "Three top ten hits is no big deal." "I can hardly remember their names." ""Techno holiday", "techno toyland"... and, "techno techno techno"?" "Yeah." "You've got to come tonight, Josh." "I know so many people who'd kill to meet you." "Yeah, well, I'll try, but, er..." "I'm kind of tied up." "Well, try hard." "Smuggler fm." "We're going right over to join young bob... who's out on the high seas with the fisher boys." "Yes, so I am." "And we're being pitched and tossed from side to side." "The fishermen tell me this is the start of a major swell." "Hey, coming up pretty rough, is it, bob?" " Bob?" " He's throwing up." "Oh... well..." "I hope that bad weather doesn't head inland... because we've got some event news." " Yes... do you like to rave?" " By golly, who doesn't?" "Get along to whicker point tonight." "You'll not only have a great night out... but you'll be helping a local girl who's trying to buy the world famous aqua shack." "She's only got 24 hours to raise the money... but smuggler fm is right behind her." "Where's Terry?" " It's about time you got back." " What's that mean, Dean?" "We come all the way down here... and you're more worried about chasing after some bird." "Chloe is not a "bird"." "Dean, we're surfers." " The word is "babe"." " Oh, yeah, sorry. "babe"." "What I've been doing is checking out the best place for us to go tonight." "I've already sorted us." "It's the village hall, man." "I'm talkin' about a rave." "Rave?" "Oh, yes." "Oh, no." "Guess you're outvoted, Josh." "Anyway, where is Terry?" "Oh, he's..." "he's outside." "I never saw him." "Maybe he caught one." "Oh, no, Dean..." "you haven't!" "E, e, e, e, e, e..." "Terry!" "I love you!" "Dean:" "Go for it, my son!" "I love you, I love you... come here... come here!" "Strong swell." "Gonna be big." "Real big." "Maka-hee-kee!" "Yes!" "Terry:" "Oi, oi!" "Terry?" "Talk about the stocktaking." "Stocktaking?" "Stocktaking." "Talk about..." "stocktaking." "See if there are any maps back there, will you?" "Josh, we don't need a map." "Terry, tell her all about the paperwork." "She wants to hear about the paperwork." " Headache pill, Dean?" " A corset?" "This yours, JC?" "No..." "yes, it's mine." "I strained myself surfing." "Just acts like a big bandage." "Because, "you're as young as you feel"... granddad!" "Will you fuck off, Dean!" "Getting sick of you, man." "You fucked Terry up, and you wanna take the piss outta me." "I'm having a laugh." "You're acting like a yob." "There's no sign." "Wait a minute." "If that's not a sign, I don't know what is." "We better follow him." "Oi..." "I know I'm not supposed to speak, or anything... but, can I just point out that Terry's missing?" "Terry!" "Terry!" "Shit." " What?" " Shit." "What?" "!" "I've just stepped in cow shit." "What's wrong?" "Too old to party?" "I don't pretend I'm eighteen." "Wow!" "Terry...!" "Oh, no... excrement!" "Toe-toe-toe... great lyrics." "It's based on futurist repetitive poetry." "But I wouldn't expect you to understand." "Terry, man..." "Terry, get down, man." " Go for it, ter!" " Thanks a lot, Dean." "Dean:" "Terry!" "That's Terry?" "Chloe..." "he's not normally like that." "Must be the sea air, huh?" "Chloe...!" "Seen the weather, man?" "It's gonna go off... big time." "Massive." " Boneyard massive?" " Chloe!" "Forget Chloe, man." "This is about the boneyard." "Surf it." "You'll be a hero." " Leave it, Dean!" " Come on, JC..." " you've got to do it." " Don't gotta do anything." " Fifteen quid a pill." " I'll give you 40 for these three." " Look, it's good gear." " It's shit." "All right, all right." "I ripped you off..." "Dean...?" "What's up, man?" "I fucked up." "Didn't you know?" "That's what I do." "Dean, the professional fuck-up." " Come on, man." "It's not that bad." " Isn't it?" "Shit... your face...!" "Dean...?" "You know, it's so easy when you're twenty and you think... everything'll be all right." "And then... everything goes shit, and..." "there's no one there to help you out." "All you had to do was ask." "You were busy, remember?" "The boneyard." "How's surfing the boneyard gonna help?" "I sold the story to a paper." "I surfed the boneyard ten years ago." "I was in the best shape of my life, I came that close to killing myself." "But, you could do it, JC, I know you could do it." "You want me to risk my life so you can earn yourself a few quid?" "Fuck the money, they're gonna give me a job." "That's all I need, a job." "To get my life sorted." "That bad?" "Worse." "Dean..." "you're such a fuck-up, man." "One life." "What, you'll do it?" " You'll surf the boneyard?" " Yeah." "No fear." "Looks like you've got the best seat in the house." "This is really something, Chloe." "What did you expect?" "A game of "pass the parcel", and coco the clown?" "Chloe, I..." "Can you hear it?" "Listen... the blowhole." "All right, you first." "Don't lie to the blowhole if you want to stay dry." "Okay, fire away." "You know that wave you're always going on about?" "Was it really twelve foot?" "Yes, it was!" "See?" "Really was." "Do you really wanna buy the aqua shack?" "Yes, I do." "Are we really finished?" "Yes, we are." "Won't your friends be missing you?" "I wanna be with you, Chloe, not them." "Look, this is gonna sound silly, but..." " silly's good." "I can take silly." " But it's serious." "Serious-silly?" "My favorite." "Will you listen to me?" "I thought all you cared about was impressing your friends." "I thought that's why you wanted to go 'round the world." "I wanna go 'round the world with you, Chloe, not them." "Then every day can be like this one." "What made you realize?" "I was there, JC." "When you told your friends you wouldn't surf the boneyard." " Are you all right?" " Yeah, yeah... just got a twinge." "You sure?" "JC, it's not going off." "Thanks a lot." "I'm sorry." "That was a stupid thing to say." "It doesn't matter." "Doesn't matter when you're 85." "Now, it matters." "You're just worried." "Worried?" "What have I got to be worried about?" "You're scared you might hurt yourself." "Scared?" "I'm not scared." "Calm down, now." "Relax... everything will look different in the morning." "Are you sure this is the right way?" "Absolutely." " You're beautiful, Dean." " Cheers, Terry." "I'm beautiful." "You're many things, Terry, but beautiful is not one of them." "You're beautiful, I'm beautiful." "Terry, slow down." "This isn't the right way." "The caravan's... we're gonna see Guinevere." "No, no, no." "Let go, because when they lock you up and throw away the key," "I don't still want to be holding your hand." " I love her." " It's not love, Terry... it's a massive amount of drugs." "In a couple of hours, they'll wear off, you'll look in the mirror... and you'll have the biggest anxiety attack of your life." " I love her!" " You're making a mistake!" "Guinevere!" "I salute you, my brave knight!" "I love her!" "Ohh, shit...!" "I'm going to a youth club." ""Darling, I went to sleep last night." "And when I woke up, I said..."" ""you are the dream that woke me up."" ""You're the cream in my coffee... a saucer for my cup."" ""Whoa, I know, my baby... that I've slept too long."" ""And I'm so glad, now... to have you home."" "Ladies and gentlemen... let me introduce you to Josh Tambini." "Look, what's this about?" "It's about soul, Josh." "It's about everything that you've forgotten." "You know this record?" ""...the price of pain..."" "Ossie Sands, "price of pain"." "Yeah...?" "And what did you do with it?" ""...pain, pain... hurt me..."" ""you want pain?" "I'll give you agony."" "Look, it's not my fault the market changed." "Blah...!" "Terry?" "I just give people what they want." " What's so funny?" " Don't you know?" "It's not about money, or clothes, or guest lists." "I know..." "I know." "Do you?" "Oh, my god...!" "Help!" "Terry?" "Help...!" "TV:" "Where are you, my brave knight?" "Where are you?" "I'm coming." "Take care." "Need a lift?" "No, I think I'll be all right with junior." "Let me tell you something about junior." "She left five minutes ago." "Just how big was it when JC surfed the boneyard?" "Fuck-off big." "Well, can we get a bit specific?" "I mean, how many "fuck-offs" to a foot?" "Well, a "fuck-off" is about the size of ten "full-ons"." "I'd like to do something like this." "Something that makes people respect you." "So do it." "I am workin' on it." "Dean..." "now is not a good time." "It is always a good time for publicity." "Morning, morning." "What's going on?" "Smuggler fm, bringing you the big stories as they happen." "Yeah, but what are you doing here?" "Well, you..." "are the big story." "No... don't get up." "Breakfast in bed for you." "What were you doing?" "Oh... just some tourist got his van stuck in a ditch... so I'm go and help him out... and I'll be right back." "Here you are." "Don't move." "Just stay there." "Far enough away?" "Just a bit further." "Now, don't feel you need to mention me unless you want to." "Live in five." "Don't worry, boy, just a technical term." "So, a "reef break" means, you fall off, you land on rock." "Is that right?" "Yes." "Yes, it is." "Radio on:" "Well, it strikes me you're blinking' mad, JC." "But I guess that's what it takes to surf the boneyard, so... good luck... dude." "Bloody surfers." "Can't string three words together." "Radio:" "That JC certainly seems like a young man... out to make a name for himself." "Chloe... you must think I an such an idiot!" "Hang on a bit, Chloe, you don't understand." "You just have to play the hero." "Chloe, listen, if I don't do this, I'm going to let someone down." "Don't try and make a bigger fool of me, JC... just go off around the world, and let me get on with my life." " You don't mean that." " It's my life!" "You don't mean that!" "Go on, you go be Mr. Cool in front of your friends... even if it bloody kills you!" "It's going off!" "Better run, JC, I think it's one of your friends." "Chloe..." "Chloe!" "Chloe!" "JC!" "Not now, Terry." "Terry:" "I've got great news." "Not now, Terry." "I'm not getting married!" "Terry, man, how am I gonna get her back?" "Forget her." "Go around the world!" "What's happened to you, man?" "Blue juice, JC, that's what I needed." "I could have wasted my life." "Yeah, but, I mean, what about Sarah?" "I've got to do what makes me happy, not what other people expect me to do." "One life, no fear." "It's not as easy as that, Terry." "I keep having this dream." "I'm out at the boneyard, and there's this monster wave... and I'm falling, and it's gonna crush me... you wake up, and your heart's pounding, and you think, "oh, my god!"" "Yeah, what's it mean?" "You're nearly thirty." "Yeah, but..." "what am I gonna do, Terry?" "Whatever makes you happy." "Yeah!" "Smuggler fm." "Skies may have opened, but one of our farmer listeners has phoned to say his heifers are standing up... and he thinks it's gonna be a lovely day." "My mum used to swear by thistle dew." "Hi!" "I've been looking all over for you." " Let me pay." " I thought you'd got the message." "Yeah, well..." "I thought you and me, we could... what...?" " You're Josh Tambini?" " That's what it says on the card." "Yeah, and that's what it said on the guy's card I served yesterday." "What guy?" "About so tall, long hair." "Came here with me?" " Yeah, that's right." " Dean." " Listen..." " no, you listen... you ever think when someone's called "junior"... there's a "senior" around?" "Like, in this case, the senior's Ossie Sands?" "Sands is your father?" "You used his voice, and didn't care what you did with it." "Yes?" "!" "No, this isn't Dean!" "What are you on about, "photographer"?" "Who is this?" "I'm gonna kill him." "Come on, you bastard..." "outside!" "You're dead." "Don't be such a yob." "You stole my credit card." "I borrowed it." "Here, have it back." " You fucked up my marriage!" " I never touched Karen!" "But you told the papers about me and those twins." "Well, I didn't make you shag them!" "No, Dean!" "Not the stick!" "My stick...!" "You all right, Josh?" "He started it!" "What is wrong with you, Dean?" "Hmm?" "I mean, you write that crap about Josh... you broke my stick... you fill Terry up with god knows what dodgy drugs... no, they were paracetamol, weren't they?" " Yeah, all right, I fucked up." " Yeah, man, once too often." "You gave me drugs?" "I was tryin' to show you a good time, Terry." "Fuck, if it wasn't for me, we'd never all be here." "Maybe that wouldn't be so bad, Dean!" "Sorry...?" "I want you out of here, man." "What about the boneyard?" "That's your problem." "Oh, show Terry a good time, and Dean's your man." "Then, things go wrong, and I have to take all the blame?" "Well, life's not a bloody fairy tale, JC." "By tonight, Dean." "Where am I supposed to go?" "I haven't got any money." "Lend us some dosh, Terry." "Hold on, JC." "I need a lift." "Josh...?" "You are kidding." "I hear you've been asking where JC lives?" "Oh, I'm Terry's fiancée." "Do you know him?" "Do I know Terry?" "That could be me, Terry." "I could end up a loser like Dean." "Nah..." "I'm nearly thirty... and what have I got to show for that?" "A poxy caravan, a bad back... and two tickets to go around the world." "So, sell 'em to me." "All he wanted to do was get married." "JC's just the opposite." "I said, "wedding" to him once, just to see him squirm." "I'm not kidding." "Sweat... real drops of sweat, on his forehead, and this... hunted look in his eyes." "All the time he was trying to tell me that I hadn't frightened him." "It was Terry's idea, not mine." "Really?" "Why do they think all we want to do is settle down?" "Are you sure, Terry?" "It's two thousand pounds." "No problem." "As long as my loan payments haven't gone through." " Terry!" " Just kidding." "Mike:" "You have a slight problem, do you, Dean?" "I'm terribly sorry, it must be an awful line... because for one moment I thought you said... you didn't ever want to work in this business again." "Now, listen to me, Dean, darling..." "I've just driven all the way down from London to this god-forsaken, disease-ridden dump... and I want to see somebody out there surfing!" "Look, everyone makes mistakes." "I mean, even your dad made mistakes." "Have you heard his version of "old shep"?" "So, what happened to your face?" "I finally get why you want to buy this place." "It's a bit late for that." " Is it?" " Yep." "Way too late." "I'm not gonna do it, Chloe." "I'm not gonna surf the boneyard, and I'm not gonna go 'round the world." "Aren't you scared of what your friends may say?" "The only thing I'm scared of is losing you." "It's easy to say, huh?" "I've heard it all before, JC." "I've got an auction to get to." "Listen, the rave money will never be enough." " Well, it's all I've got." " No, it's not." "I'm selling the tickets to Terry." "As soon as he gives me the money..." "I'm gonna go straight to the auction." "I can't believe you anymore." "Do you know where Terry is?" "He'll be back soon." "Have a seat." "It's really blowing." "Oh, yeah... gonna be some big waves, massive." "So, which one are you?" "Oh, did Terry tell you about us?" "What did he say?" "He said JC was a brilliant surfer, but I know you're not him." "Josh was this really big record producer... go on." "And Dean..." "I can take it." "He said you had lots of unfulfilled potential." "Did he?" "That's a very nice way of saying," "I'm a never done anything fuck-up yob." " He didn't say that." " Well, he should have done." "You gonna be all right on your own?" "Only I've gotta go and fulfill that potential." "Dean?" "Terry's not..." "with another woman, is he?" "Nah... all he does is talk about you." "Hello?" "Sorry?" "He said, "if you look out of the window... you'll see king Arthur has returned, Mrs. Fenton."" " Guinevere!" " Oh, my god." "Guinevere, I... just hold it with the "Guinevere" shit." "You think I'm Mary Fenton, don't you?" "Well, it's not the first time." "I might look like her, but I'm not her." "So you might as well just clear off..." " Lancelot." " I'm supposed to be Arthur." "Whoever." "Sorry." "So, what were we gonna do if I had been her?" "Ride off 'round the world?" "Fly, actually." "Go on." "Giddy-up." " I'm looking for JC." " Sorry, I'm waiting for Terry." "You don't know if he said anything about surfing the boneyard?" "That's where Dean's gone to surf." " You mean, JC?" " No, Dean." "Come on, we gotta go and find JC." "It's getting worse." "Where's JC?" "Sarah!" "Where's JC?" "Bank." "There he is!" "You're enjoying this." "You don't enjoy things like this." "Hang on!" "Terry... as soon as you've dropped us off... get to the bank, get the money... and get to the auction." "Understand, Terry?" " Yeah." " I'm counting on you, mate." "The brakes aren't working." " Stamp on them!" " I am!" "Need a lift?" "Come on, we've got to get to the bank." " There's a bike in the back." " Oh, no!" "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen... can I ask you all to please take your seats?" "I'd like to welcome you here on behalf of Foster and Davis... for this afternoon's auction." "I'm going to explain to you to begin with... stop the car." "What?" "Stop the car!" "There's no time to go to the beach!" "Oh, no..." "that's too much!" "How else am I gonna catch him?" "What's he talking about?" "Cliff hop." "Where are you, JC?" "Full fucking on!" "No!" "What's he gonna do?" "Ride it to him, flip 360 off the lip so he doesn't come down on the slab." "Now, listen, you... you get me a couple of chicks to pose with those two... and this... is yours." "There goes twenty years of non-violence." "Terry... are you sure this is the way to the bank?" "Where's the sand?" "Don't ask!" "Excuse me..." "excuse me, what lot are we on?" "Ask him." " Have you sold the aqua shack yet?" " Yes, we have." " Who to?" " Miss... no, Mr. Toshack." "Shape, this isn't the way to the station." "Scenic route." "Trust me." "I wanted the old one." "The way I see it, Chloe... the aqua shack is wherever we are." "Yeah." "This isn't just gonna be a place for your friends to hang out?" "What, this lot?" "They're not my friends, they're customers." "Beg." "What... now?" "Beg." "I'd do anything." "Pathetic." "I'd run down the street, naked." "Yeah?" "At four o'clock in the morning?" "No." "High noon." "I love you, Chloe." "Radio:" "It's another beaut day, in the high eighties at manly beach." "And a listener's phoned to say the sticky buds on his eucalyptus means rain's coming our way." "My mum used to swear by koala droppings." "Terry:" "What a beautiful girl." "Isn't she beautiful?" " Maybe one day..." " us?" "You all right, Terry?" "You look kinda pale." "No... fine, fine." "Come on... surf's up." "Oh, light shines on... how was that?" "Ossie, that was beautiful." "Straight into the techno mix." "Do we have to?" "Gotta pay the bills." "It's going off!" "Come here." "What?" "You're gonna miss it." "No, I'm not." "Do you want a board?" "You come and see me when the old man's gone." " You and I can do some business." " Did you really surf the boneyard?" "You know what "triple overhead" means?" "Get on with it!" "Harmony." "(rock music plays)" "(music fades)" "(scream)" "(gasp)" "(radio plays) Smuggler FM." "That's a wonderful new jingle, Gordon." "Someone's been busy in the back room." "Eh, dan?" " Play it again?" " Why not?" "(jingle plays) Smuggler FM." "Smashing." "You know, Gordon..." " I hear an anecdote coming on." " The other day, someone said to me..." ""what's it like living in the last county in england?"" "And I said, "cornwall's not the last county, it's the first."" "Mmm... all right." " Hey, what's that?" " That is our new window." "Our new window?" "I just woke up and thought a window would be great there." "Chloe, we're going around the world... we don't need a new window." "(laughing)" "JC... there's a sock on your, um... it's in mourning." "It's sad." "I mean, six weeks without love is a very long time." "But, now, all that's over." "No more suffering." "Yeah?" "No more back pain." "Just you and me... and a whole lot of catching up to do." "So, just lie back and relax." "And let the jeepster do the work." "(T.Rex "get it on" plays)" "Breakfast?" "Breakfast?" "Trifles sound good?" "You are feeling better." "Hey..." "Crab:" "Nice pinny." "Shhh!" "(quietly) What's going on?" " Surf." " Surf?" "Six foot and clean?" "Come on!" "Chloe..." "you're going to kill me." "I've really screwed up." "I've got a lesson." "What, now?" "Sorry." "The kids, they're... waiting." "(record scratches)" "(engine starts)" "(hooting and hollering)" "Crab, not again, man?" "Moose, you dragged me out of bed for this." " He promised." " It's coming." "Oh, shape." "Yeah, two weeks, four days and every night." " It's coming - unbelievable." "What have you got there, shape?" "Hawaiian seaweed." "Call upon the gods of the islands... to send waves, sprinkle it upon the water... and chant the sacred name of "makahee... kee"." "How do you think you say this?" "Shape, please, spare us the guru shit." "How many days good surf do we get in cornwall?" "I don't know." "About one in ten." " And how about hawaii?" " Endless summer, man." "Yeah, can't wait." "One perfect barrel after another." "All right for you." "What have we got to look forward to?" "Winter." "What a bummer." "We get gnarly waves." "When you've broken the ice." "(chanting) Makaheekee." "Makaheekee... makaheekee... makaheekee... makaheekee!" "Makaheekee!" "(radio jingle) ...smuggler fm." "All these young people seem to want to leave in the winter." "It does get quite bleak, round about." "Bleak's an awful strong word." "I won't hear bleak." " "Damp", maybe then?" " "Fresh", I'll give you fresh." "Well, I've never been one for foreign travel... not with all the beauty of cornwall on my doorstep." "Well, it seems this young lady is going all around the world." "And we wish Chloe well on her trip to paradise." "Huh, with a special request from someone called the jeepster." "(T.Rex song "get it on" plays)" "Wait for it, remember I don't want to see any dragging feet." "It's one clean movement, and... paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle... up!" "Yeah." "When are we going in the water?" "Listen, this is really good practice when there aren't any waves." "My mum paid you to take me surfing." "First rule of surfing..." "mellow out." "Hippy!" "(chanting) Hip-py!" "Hippy!" "Chloe, that's... that's gonna burn." "I expect you had to tell the kids your shark story." " Chloe, it's burning, honestly." " It's supposed to caramelize." "Yeah, it doesn't mean napalm it, does it?" "Look... really, pass me the cream." "Got any of that syrup?" "Mm-mm." "What?" "Nothing." "What?" "I just... er..." "like watching you cook." "Yeah?" "Nice pinny!" "Chloe:" "Out!" "Chloe:" "Okay, kids, what'll it be?" "Trifle." " Yeah!" " You're not old enough." "Sorry, only one portion left... and I promised the great shark rider that he could have it." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Tonight." "And you'd better not have any other plans." "Oh, no, no, I'm... all yours." "(telephone ringing)" "(ringing continues)" "Oh, I know, I know, j c, it's been too long." "(ringing continues)" "No worries, me and Josh can handle it." "Yeah..." "you, me, slim, Josh... all the boys together again." "Yeah, all right." "Sweet." "See ya." "(abstract audio from mixer)" "JC's up for it?" "Of course." "I told you he would be." " And he knows?" " Sure." "(turns audio off)" "Do us a favor." "Bang that gong when I give you a green light... yeah?" "Yeah?" "Sweet." "Hard as you can." "A nice one!" "(audio resumes)" "(crash)" "Fuck...!" "Are you having a go at me?" "Just having a laugh." "(audio continues)" "(recording) (crash) "fuck...!"" "Excellent." "Do I get royalties?" "What if some townie jerk buys this place?" " That's no drama, man." " He's right, you know." "He'll probably turn it into a captain ahab's theme bar." "Where are we gonna hang then?" "Crab... man, you're starting to stress." "Eighty-eight." "You did eighty-eight?" "Eighty-eight." "What can I say, man?" "You know... congratulations." "Ladies and gentlemen, the new king of the pipeline." "(cheering)" "Would the old king like to present the crown?" "Aughh!" "Eighty-seven..." "come on!" "Dig in, go on!" "Eighty-eight!" "Come on, one more..." "one more!" "Eighty nine!" "(cheers)" "And still the king... yeah!" "Ohh... thought you hated the press." "It's for my mum, all right?" "Now, I know what you wear's important, Josh, so you choose." "Which balaclava..." "green or blue?" "Josh:" "He's dead." "They were only sleeping pills." "Just how many did you give him?" " Enough." " How many's enough?" "Enough." "Plus a couple of extra to be on the safe side." "Yeah... if we end up in court, remember, you're the one who drugged him." "Relax, I work a lot with pharmaceuticals." "Oh, I'm sorry, I must have missed your six years at medical school." "Look, I know what I'm doing." "The good stuff for my mates... and flu pills for the punters." "(screaming)" "Told you he'd be all right." "I told you, no stag night, dean." "No getting pissed, and no old stripper... making me rub baby oil into her pink bits." " It's not a stag night." " No?" "We're going surfing." "Oh, my god!" "You can do this." "You can do this." "Painkillers." "("get it on" plays outside)" "Yeah... trifle?" "I hope that's a 12-inch, 'cause this recipe takes forever." "And I want to hear you... beg!" "Mmmm... please, Chloe... i love it when you beg." "Don't just lie there... i want to see wiggling." "Wiggling." "P-please, Chloe... you'll have to do better than that." "Ooohh...!" "C-Chloe... please... good!" "But it's not good enough." "Chloe...!" "Ohhh!" "(scream echoes)" "What was that?" " I'm not stayin'." " You're stayin', Terry." "You can't make me enjoy myself." "Oi, this is it." "Number thirty." "The lights are still on, ring the bell." "Oh, no..." "no need." "No!" "Dean...!" "It'll be all right." "Six weeks without sex." "But that didn't matter, just as long as you stayed king of the pipeline." "(poof)" "Don't tell me..." "it's going off!" " Dean:" "Oi... oi!" " Oh, my god!" "Who the hell are they?" "They're mates from london." "Dean:" "Oi, j c!" " Chloe, I grew up with them." " You never grew up!" "He'll be packing his bag!" "Told ya!" "I'll take them to the caravan and then I'll come straight back." "Don't bother." "What, you're throwing me out?" "Oh, yeah, that's mature." "Yeah, go on, walk away!" "Now you know how it feels." "You forgot something." "(Josh chuckling)" "There's... um..." " there's a..." " there's a what, Josh?" "There's a strawberry sticking out of your shirt." "You can't beat this cornish cream, can you?" "So, what..." "you kidnapped him?" "Well, it's the only way we could get him away from his tv." " Why couldn't we stay at her place?" " Well, 'cause his bird freaked." "She didn't freak, dean." "She was a bit surprised... with the "apocalypse now" fireworks display." "I need a place to sleep or I'm gonna get a migraine." "I've got a much better place, Terry." "You're gonna love it." "Oh, god!" "The property boom just sort of passed you by, didn't it, j c?" "Bastards!" "You kidnap me, then you expect me to sleep in this tin can with my sinuses!" "It's a lot bigger than it looks on the inside, ter." "I promise." "It's a bit like... you know, like the tardis." "I can't sleep here!" "(singing punk style) One life!" "No fear!" "Why did we ever split up, man?" " Our musical differences." " Musical inabilities." "I can't believe slim used to play the drums." "Whatever happened to him?" "Running that pub." "Thinks it'll fall down if he leaves it for ten minutes." "And now he's getting married." "Well, he has to, hasn't he?" "Fit in with his timetable." ""I'm nearly thirty, time to get married."" "Well, you're as young as you feel, right?" " You got any more coat hangers?" " What?" "How many clothes do you need, Josh?" "We don't all want to look like an agricultural laborer." "So, what's the problem with your bird?" "No problem, dean." "Just try calling next time." "I thought you called." "Why do you always have to make a meal out of everything?" "We're here, aren't we?" "Here... have a beer." "Remember the first time we came down?" "Yeah... just finished school." "You nicked your dad's van." "You stood up first time..." "total natural." "Now you're off 'round the world." "You've got it sussed, guy." "Yeah." "One life..." "no fear." "Yeah, live for today!" "(radio jingle) ...smuggler fm." "Now, it's time to join young bob, who's at the county livestock show." "Bob:" "I am, Gordon... and one of the farmers has just told me to expect rain... 'cause all his heifers are lying down." "Well, the forecast is sunny with cloudy spells." "His cows are lying down." "My old mum used to swear by thistle dew." "I remember an old boy saying to me, "frog spawn's best way of telling."" "Well, I'm sure our listeners will want to... (radio off)" "Terry's done a runner!" "What?" "He won't get far, man." "So, he took the bike." "He has to go west." "Well, it's the only way out of here." "Problem is, though, it's gone half seven." "It's milking time." "(moo)" "So... he doubles back, you see, and takes the path to the left." "Now, he... he could go right, but that's uphill." "Terry's a fat git... so he takes the path of least resistance." "Downhill all the way." "Now, you see, he realizes there's no turning back... there's no stopping." "Which means I reckon he's gonna end up... right here." "Right, since it's nearly eight o'clock and the tide's coming in... he's gonna be cut off." "There's only one road in..." "one road out... we can't miss him." " Morning, Terry." " Morning, Terry." "You're up early." "Bastards!" "Well, it's not exactly, er..." "california, is it?" "Where's the sand?" "There isn't any sand, Terry." "It's reef." "Goes all the way out to sea." "You've just fallen onto the best break in england, Terry." "Excellent... snap." "Looks flat to me." "JC:" "It takes a massive storm to set it off." "The swell... it rushes in... then, smacks against the rock... and, boom!" "Biggest waves you've ever seen, man." "You see, the wave... it sucks up all the water... so you miss your take-off... it's gonna slam you straight into the slab." "We call it, "the boneyard."" "The boneyard?" "If I don't eat soon, I'm gonna get a migraine." "Twelve foot." "All time classic wave." "Twelve foot?" "Wow... that's... big." "I sense doubt." "No, no, no... if you say it was twelve foot, then it was twelve foot." "Is there a system for measuring waves... like a pythagoras triangle thing or something... 'cause you were pretty specific about twelve foot." " It was twelve foot, all right?" " Yeah, twelve foot." " All right." " That's, er... 3.6 meters." " Hi, man." " All right, essex?" " All right, man?" " How are you doing?" " Good, yeah." " How are you?" "All right?" "You're really a face, j c." "Hm...?" "Oh, yeah." "Just... just remember i live here, all right?" "What, you think we're gonna embarrass you?" "No." "Just don't ask for any beach boys records... and don't try using any surf-speak." "All right?" " Flat, isn't it?" " Yeah." "Can you just..." "sit down, dean?" "Sit down, take a look at a menu." "I've just gotta go and sort some business out, all right?" "Crab..." "what are you doing?" "Chloe had to nip out." "Man:" "Oi, Crab, where's my food?" "That's my pinny." "Have you seen this?" ""A little bird tells me, record producer Josh tambini... seems to have scored another hit with supermodel carla." "Let's hope his next hit doesn't come from her heavyweight boxer husband."" "I mean, where do they get these stories?" "Another one for your mum's scrapbook, Josh." "Everything's a joke, isn't it, dean?" "No, it's shocking." " It's true, though, isn't it?" " That's not the point." "So..." "who are the grommets?" "Oh, they're..." "friends from london." "They're cool." "Dean:" "Yeah, mike?" "Good piece, wasn't it?" "Help with our arrangement?" "Listen, dean... what you've given me is tittle tattle." "Now, you wanna work for me, i want something big." "Something life or death." "Do you know what I mean?" " Well, I'll work on it." " Well, good." "Yeah, all right." "Bye." "I'm telling you, Terry... it's no "happy ever after" fairy tale." "Yeah, I know." "Your marriage didn't work out." "Exactly." "Just because men and women's genitalia happen to fit together... we think we're supposed to spend the rest of our lives together." "You know what marriage is?" "De-sign... fault." "It's not like that." "Well, what do you and sarah have in common?" "We watch tv." "Yeah, apart from watching tv?" " Watch videos." " What do you talk about?" " Well..." " apart from tv... and videos." "Hm?" "De-sign... fault." "(whirr)" "Do you really think a screwdriver's gonna make everything all right?" "Well, you see, this isn't any old screwdriver you see, Chloe... this actually is the king of screwdrivers." "Shall I tell you what's so tremendous about this multi-speed beast?" "It's battery operated, which means you can use it... anywhere in the world." "I'm not going around the world." "What?" "I'm sorry about last night, but it's ridiculous." "I'm buying this place." "You what?" "This dump?" " They're selling it tomorrow." " Twenty-four hours and counting." " How are you gonna buy it?" " Thought I might try money." "Well, you can forget about the airline tickets, for a start." "I mean, they're non-refundable." "It says on them, "non-refundable."" " Then, take a friend." " Oi, oi... surf's up!" "Dean, dean..." "go away, go away!" "Chloe..." "just... slow down." "Yeah, let's just..." "think about this." "I mean, it's..." "a bit like the bathroom." "You wake up in the morning, you have this brilliant idea... tear everything down... and then you lose interest." "Are you telling me i don't know what I'm doing?" "Chloe, you are wonderful." "You're beautiful." "But, yeah, you don't know what you're doing." "Are you telling a woman with a pan of burning fat in her hand that she doesn't know what she's doing?" "Yeah, all right..." "all right... yeah, right." "You know what'd happen if you did buy it, don't you?" "What?" " You'd end up like Terry." " Who's Terry?" " Terry's done a runner." " Josh... in a minute, man." " We need you now, j c." " Josh, in a minute." " Who's Terry?" " We'll talk about it later." "There is no later." "We're finished!" "She just gets these crazy ideas." "I can talk her out of it." "Take some advice... worst thing you could do is go running after her." "What, you reckon?" "Absolutely." "Just play it cool." "Wait for her to see sense." "Yeah, I mean, she's got no money." "What's she gonna do?" "Yeah." "Sarah?" "Sorry..." "i know, sorry." "At j c's in cornwall." "Oi, it wasn't my idea." "Listen, did you... what, you think I'm not worried about my sinuses?" "Listen... did you tape "arthur's knights"?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "The phones aren't too reliable down here." "I know you all think it's stupid, but I've got a wedding to arrange." "I've got responsibilities." "I've got people counting on me." "And I'm not gonna let them down." "Now... you say what you like... but I'm getting the next train out of here." "All right, Terry, if that's the way you want it." "That..." "is the way I want it." "Do you know what time the next train is?" "Let's see." "That would be..." " Tuesday." " Two days?" "!" "It's a small town." "We're out of season." "Bastards!" "Oh, come on, Terry." "What can't you arrange on the phone?" " Josh, lend him you're mobile." " You know how much the calls cost?" "That's all right, he can use mine." "Nice model." "Now, I don't know about you lot... but I could use some blue juice." "Oh, yes!" "Hello... hello?" "Push the button, Terry." "Push the button, Terry!" "Hello?" "Where the hell are we going?" "It's a short cut." "When you say the napkins are "prune"... are they more red, or purple?" "No, saying they're more "snapdragon" doesn't help." "Right, we're gonna start off over there." " JC, the breaks are over there." " These do keep things dry, don't they?" "But you've got to start off slowly, man." "You've got to treat the sea with a bit of respect... dean, are you listening?" "Dean!" "I saw a turd!" " It wasn't a turd, Terry." " What was it, a round brown fish?" "All right, mate." "This wave's yours." "Ready?" "Remember what I said." "All the way in." "Go, go, go." "Go, Terry!" "All the way in!" "Go on, ter!" "What's happening?" "Starting to pick up." "But nothing for a big wave rider like you." "Well, there's a storm coming, might set the boneyard off." " You going out there?" " Well, you never know." "Some stupid townie tried it once." "He never came up." "What, he killed himself?" "JC's the only one who's done it." "That's why he's a legend." "My wave!" "Out of the way, out of the way!" "Comin' through!" "Piece of piss, this surfing!" "You're not going in?" "No." "Bury me anywhere..." "but don't bury me at sea." "My head hurts." "Oh, I've got just the pill for you, Terry." "Now, this..." "will make you feel much better." "Sorry about you and Chloe, man." "It's all right, man." "It's cool." "It's nothing." "If you're going around the world, do you mind if I have a crack at her?" " We thought we'd do a collection." " A collection for what?" " To help her buy the lease." " She's not buying the lease." "She's coming 'round the world with me, all right?" "Radio:" "Now here's a fascinating letter... from one of our farmer listeners, dan." "Seems he found a way to farm at night." " How's he go about that, then?" " So simple, it's brilliant." "Lights..." "massive industrial lights." "Simple as milking a cow, eh?" "Just take a look at the productivity levels of his root vegetable crops." "Parsnips up, 32 percent, turnips, 37." "And carrots..." "a whopping 45." "Look, I live here." "I can't afford to rip people off." "It's good gear." "All right." "Sweet." "Cheers, guys." "Listen, Josh... i am not chasing after Chloe, all right?" "I've just got to see a man about a board." "You can try and show Terry a good time, can't you?" "Yeah..." "i suppose so." " I know what I want to do." " You name it, ter." "Anything, man." "I want the biggest cornish cream tea you've ever seen." "Livin' on the edge, Terry." "(door opens)" "If everything was in harmony... do you think I could levitate?" "Save it for the tourists, shape." "JC, there's something i want to tell you." "Something a wise man once said." ""A man who chases fairy tales..." "might miss his own happy ending."" " Was this is in india?" " King's cross station." "But enlightenment often comes out of the mouths of fools." "Yeah, well..." "I've got it all under control, man." "You know, all this staying in... all this saving to go around the world?" "I've forgotten what it's all about." "We had our first date on this bike." "You were just kids, then." "I'm still young at heart." "And Chloe is, too." "Just gotta remind her." "Well, find harmony... and maybe I'll get to fly." "You just mind out for all those pigs coming into land, shape." "JC?" "Yeah?" "It's coming." "Course it is, shape." "(motor fails)" "(auto approaches)" "What a broken down old wreck." "Where are you going, j c?" "Oh, I'm just going down to the machine." "Started body surfing?" "Hmm?" "No board." "No, no..." "I'm just gonna go and meet the boys down there." "Oh." "We can give him a lift, can't we, Chloe?" " Ready?" " Yeah... er, wait a sec." "All right in the back, there?" "No problem... what's with the lights, man?" "She's throwing a rave." "To get some money for the lease." "One day the shaper's gonna get these brakes fixed." "If you're gonna do it, Terry, do it in style." " My treat." " Oi, oi!" "Dean...!" "You've given him shit, haven't you?" "No, no..." "that's good "e"." ""Good 'e"'?" "Relax, will you?" "I know what I'm doing." "I'm a professional." "Dean... lawyers are professionals." "Doctors are professionals." "Drug dealers are not professionals." "Whoo-hoo!" "Remember our first date on that bike?" "Yeah..." "remember that?" "Mmm... i hated that bike." "You did?" "Why do you think the carb was always failing?" "If I hadn't busted it, you'd have never gotten rid of it... thinking how cool you looked." "You know what a lease is, don't you, Chloe?" "It's a massive weight around your neck." "Good!" "I'm tired of drifting." "But you work so hard, you don't have time to party." "And you know what happens when you don't party, don't you?" "You get stressed!" "It's stress and work, and work and stress." "And before you know it, Chloe, before you know it... you're gonna end up like Terry." " Who's Terry?" " Terry is boring." "He's boring with a capital "b"." "He used to have a life, then he got his pub." "And then... he changed, just like you're gonna change." "Yeah." "Well, maybe it's just you who thinks he's boring." "No way." "You've just got to see him for yourself." "You'll meet him at the rave tonight, Chloe." "Fuck it!" "(faint music playing)" "Come on, Terry." "Can you hear music?" "Cakes... come and get your cakes, Terry." " What is that tune?" " Those were the days." "I gotta find out." "Oh, thanks for your help, Josh." "Come on, Terry." "Come on." "Yeah, yeah, yeah... (music continues)" "(music stops)" "I like it." "I really do." "Junior." "Call me "junior"." "So I get the gig?" "I'm sorry." "Just not what the kids are into anymore." ""Lonely for you, baby"." "Sam dees, 1968." "The label, sss international?" "All right?" "Does this look like a "mastermind" audition?" "What else you got here?" "Hey..."time will pass you by"." "We used to close the casino with this." "They used to close wigan with "I'm on my way"." "Listen, I was there when you were still wetting nappies." "And it finished, "time will pass you by"..." ""I'm on my way", and "long after tonight is over"." "Every week, in that order." " You went to the casino?" " Um-hmm." "Number 497." "Aw, a real stomper... ossie sands' "price of pain"." "You know, I sampled this." "You're Josh tambini!" "Yeah, but don't go treating me like a superstar or something." "It's no big deal." "(gentle classical style music)" " Mike?" " Yes, dean?" "Somebody died." "Mike:" "Really?" "Excellent." "I thought you might like that." "This is a life or death situation and we're gonna be there." "Dean, I'm looking at an empty chair." "You pull this off, and you get to sit there." "Yeah." "Cheers, mike." " I'll talk to you later." "Bye." " All right, bye-bye." "Terry..." "Terry..." "Terry!" "Sit down." "Bet you're feel a bit... horny, don't you?" "Yeah... i do feel... i do feel weird." "All touchy." "That's not "touchy", mate." "That's horny." "Look around." "This place is perfect." "It's full of women whose husbands are on the golf course." "You see anything you fancy?" "I'm getting married." "I'm not... that's mary fenton." "What, the actress?" "Dean:" "Nah..." " maybe... is it?" "She was, er..." " guinevere in "arthur's knights"." "Yeah, monday nights when we were kids." "Is it?" "It is, it is." "She's a goddess." "She's smiling at you." "You've got to go for it." "I'm getting married." "If you don't, I will." "Guinevere's got a wet chastity belt." "Leave her alone." "Dean:" "Well, come on, she's leaving." "(shrill whistle) Mary!" "Come on." "Three top ten hits is no big deal." "I can hardly remember their names." ""Techno holiday", "techno toyland"... and, "techno techno techno"?" "Yeah." "You've got to come tonight, Josh." "I know so many people who'd kill to meet you." "Yeah, well, I'll try, but, er..." "I'm kind of tied up." "Well, try hard." "(radio jingle) Smuggler fm." "We're going right over to join young bob... who's out on the high seas with the fisher boys." "Yes, so I am." "And we're being pitched and tossed from side to side." "The fishermen tell me this is the start of a major swell." "Hey, coming up pretty rough, is it, bob?" " Bob?" " He's throwing up." "Oh... well..." "I hope that bad weather doesn't head inland... because we've got some event news." " Yes... do you like to rave?" " By golly, who doesn't?" "Get along to whicker point tonight." "You'll not only have a great night out... but you'll be helping a local girl who's trying to buy the world famous aqua shack." "She's only got 24 hours to raise the money... but smuggler fm is right behind her." "Where's Terry?" " It's about time you got back." " What's that mean, dean?" "We come all the way down here... and you're more worried about chasing after some bird." "Chloe is not a "bird"." "Dean, we're surfers." " The word is "babe"." " Oh, yeah, sorry. "babe"." "What I've been doing is checking out the best place for us to go tonight." "I've already sorted us." "It's the village hall, man." "I'm talkin' about a rave." "Rave?" "Oh, yes." "Oh, no." "Guess you're outvoted, Josh." "Anyway, where is Terry?" "Oh, he's..." "he's outside." "I never saw him." "Maybe he caught one." "Oh, no, dean..." "you haven't!" "E, e, e, e, e, e..." "Terry!" "I love you!" "Dean:" "Go for it, my son!" "I love you, i love you... come here... come here!" "Strong swell." "Gonna be big." "Real big." "Maka-hee-kee!" "Yes!" "Terry:" "Oi, oi!" "(giddy laughter)" "JC:" "Terry?" "Talk about the stocktaking." "Stocktaking?" "Stocktaking." "Talk about..." "stocktaking." "See if there are any maps back there, will you?" "Josh, we don't need a map." "Terry, tell her all about the paperwork." "She wants to hear about the paperwork." " Headache pill, dean?" " A corset?" "(laughter)" "This yours, j c?" "No..." "yes, it's mine." "I strained myself surfing." "Just acts like a big bandage." "Because, "you're as young as you feel"... granddad!" "(brakes screech)" "Will you fuck off, dean!" "Getting sick of you, man." "You fucked Terry up, and you wanna take the piss outta me." "I'm having a laugh." "You're acting like a yob." "There's no sign." "Wait a minute." "If that's not a sign, i don't know what is." "We better follow him." "Oi... i know I'm not supposed to speak, or anything... but, can I just point out that Terry's missing?" "Terry!" "Terry!" "Shit." " What?" " Shit." "What?" "!" "I've just stepped in cow shit." "What's wrong?" "Too old to party?" "I don't pretend I'm eighteen." "(music plays in distance)" "Wow!" "(music full volume)" "Terry...!" "Oh, no... excrement!" "Music:" "Toe-toe-toe... great lyrics." "It's based on futurist repetitive poetry." "But I wouldn't expect you to understand." "Terry, man..." "Terry, get down, man." " Go for it, ter!" " Thanks a lot, dean." "Dean:" "Terry!" "That's Terry?" "Chloe..." "he's not normally like that." "Must be the sea air, huh?" "Chloe...!" "Seen the weather, man?" "It's gonna go off... big time." "Massive." " Boneyard massive?" " Chloe!" "Forget Chloe, man." "This is about the boneyard." "Surf it." "You'll be a hero." " Leave it, dean!" " Come on, j c..." " you've got to do it." " Don't gotta do anything." " Fifteen quid a pill." " I'll give you 40 for these three." " Look, it's good gear." " It's shit." "All right, all right." "I ripped you off... dean...?" "What's up, man?" "I fucked up." "Didn't you know?" "That's what I do." "Dean, the professional fuck-up." " Come on, man." "It's not that bad." " Isn't it?" "Shit... your face...!" "Dean...?" "You know, it's so easy when you're twenty and you think... everything'll be all right." "And then... everything goes shit, and..." "there's no one there to help you out." "All you had to do was ask." "You were busy, remember?" "The boneyard." "How's surfing the boneyard gonna help?" "I sold the story to a paper." "I surfed the boneyard ten years ago." "I was in the best shape of my life, i came that close to killing myself." "But, you could do it, j c, i know you could do it." "You want me to risk my life so you can earn yourself a few quid?" "Fuck the money, they're gonna give me a job." "That's all I need, a job." "To get my life sorted." "That bad?" "Worse." "Dean..." "you're such a fuck-up, man." "One life." "What, you'll do it?" " You'll surf the boneyard?" " Yeah." "No fear." "Looks like you've got the best seat in the house." "This is really something, Chloe." "What did you expect?" "A game of "pass the parcel", and coco the clown?" " Chloe, i..." " shhh...!" "Can you hear it?" "Listen... the blowhole." "All right, you first." "Don't lie to the blowhole if you want to stay dry." "Okay, fire away." "You know that wave you're always going on about?" "Was it really twelve foot?" "(loudly:) Yes, it was!" "See?" "Really was." "Do you really wanna buy the aqua shack?" "(loudly:) Yes, I do." "Are we really finished?" "Yes, we are." "Won't your friends be missing you?" "I wanna be with you, Chloe, not them." "Look, this is gonna sound silly, but..." " silly's good." "I can take silly." " But it's serious." "Serious-silly?" "My favorite." "Will you listen to me?" "I thought all you cared about was impressing your friends." "I thought that's why you wanted to go 'round the world." "I wanna go 'round the world with you, Chloe, not them." "Then every day can be like this one." "What made you realize?" "I was there, j c." "When you told your friends you wouldn't surf the boneyard." " Are you all right?" " Yeah, yeah... just got a twinge." " You sure?" " Mmm." "(moaning)" "JC, it's not going off." "Thanks a lot." "I'm sorry." "That was a stupid thing to say." "It doesn't matter." "Doesn't matter when you're 85." "Now, it matters." "You're just worried." "Worried?" "What have I got to be worried about?" "You're scared you might hurt yourself." "Scared?" "I'm not scared." "Calm down, now." "Relax... everything will look different in the morning." "Are you sure this is the right way?" "Absolutely." "Ohh!" " You're beautiful, dean." " Cheers, Terry." "I'm beautiful." "You're many things, Terry, but beautiful is not one of them." "You're beautiful, I'm beautiful." "Terry, slow down." "This isn't the right way." "The caravan's... we're gonna see guinevere." "No, no, no." "Let go, because when they lock you up and throw away the key, i don't still want to be holding your hand." " I love her." " It's not love, Terry... it's a massive amount of drugs." "In a couple of hours, they'll wear off, you'll look in the mirror... and you'll have the biggest anxiety attack of your life." " I love her!" " You're making a mistake!" "Guinevere!" "I salute you, my brave knight!" "I love her!" "Ohh, shit...!" "I'm going to a youth club." "(song:) "Darling, I went to sleep last night." "And when I woke up, i said..."" ""you are the dream that woke me up."" ""You're the cream in my coffee... a saucer for my cup."" ""Whoa, I know, my baby... that I've slept too long."" ""And I'm so glad, now... to have you home."" "Ladies and gentlemen... let me introduce you to Josh tambini." "Look, what's this about?" "It's about soul, Josh." "It's about everything that you've forgotten." "You know this record?" "(upbeat rb song plays)" ""...the price of pain..."" "ossie sands, "price of pain"." "Yeah...?" "And what did you do with it?" "(techno music plays)" ""...pain, pain... hurt me..."" ""you want pain?" "I'll give you agony."" "(music interrupted)" "Look, it's not my fault the market changed." "(thumping)" "Blah...!" "Terry?" "I just give people what they want." "(laughter)" " What's so funny?" " Don't you know?" "It's not about money, or clothes, or guest lists." "I know..." "I know." "Do you?" "("price of pain" resumes)" "Oh, my god...!" "Woman:" "Help!" "Sarah:" "Terry?" "Help...!" "(horse whinnying)" "(galloping hooves)" "Tv:" "Where are you, my brave knight?" "Where are you?" "I'm coming." "Take care." "Need a lift?" "No, I think I'll be all right with junior." "Let me tell you something about junior." "She left five minutes ago." "Just how big was it when j c surfed the boneyard?" "Fuck-off big." "Well, can we get a bit specific?" "I mean, how many "fuck-offs" to a foot?" "Well, a "fuck-off" is about the size of ten "full-ons"." "I'd like to do something like this." "Something that makes people respect you." "So do it." "I am workin' on it." "(gasp)" "(knocking)" "Dean..." "now is not a good time." "It is always a good time for publicity." "Morning, morning." "What's going on?" "Smuggler fm, bringing you the big stories as they happen." "Yeah, but what are you doing here?" "Well, you..." "are the big story." "(whistling)" "(door closes)" "No... don't get up." "Breakfast in bed for you." "Chloe:" "What were you doing?" "Oh... just some tourist got his van stuck in a ditch... so I'm go and help him out... and I'll be right back." "Here you are." "Don't move." "Just stay there." "Far enough away?" "Just a bit further." "Now, don't feel you need to mention me unless you want to." "Live in five." "Don't worry, boy, just a technical term." "So, a "reef break" means, you fall off, you land on rock." "Is that right?" "Yes." "Yes, it is." "Radio on:" "Well, it strikes me you're blinking' mad, j c." "But I guess that's what it takes to surf the boneyard, so... good luck... dude." "Bloody surfers." "Can't string three words together." "Radio:" "That j c certainly seems like a young man... out to make a name for himself." "Chloe... you must think i an such an idiot!" "Hang on a bit, Chloe, you don't understand." "You just have to play the hero." "Chloe, listen, if I don't do this, I'm going to let someone down." "Don't try and make a bigger fool of me, j c... just go off around the world, and let me get on with my life." " You don't mean that." " It's my life!" "You don't mean that!" "Go on, you go be mr." "Cool in front of your friends... even if it bloody kills you!" "(thump)" "Terry:" "It's going off!" "Better run, j c, i think it's one of your friends." "Chloe..." "Chloe!" "Chloe!" "JC!" "Not now, Terry." "Terry:" "I've got great news." "Not now, Terry." "I'm not getting married!" "Terry, man, how am I gonna get her back?" "Forget her." "Go around the world!" "("tarzan" yell)" "What's happened to you, man?" "Blue juice, j c, that's what I needed." "I could have wasted my life." "Yeah, but, I mean, what about sarah?" "I've got to do what makes me happy, not what other people expect me to do." "One life, no fear." "It's not as easy as that, Terry." "I keep having this dream." "I'm out at the boneyard, and there's this monster wave... and I'm falling, and it's gonna crush me... you wake up, and your heart's pounding, and you think, "oh, my god!"" "Yeah, what's it mean?" "You're nearly thirty." "Yeah, but..." "what am I gonna do, Terry?" "Whatever makes you happy." "Whoo-hoo!" "Yeah!" "(radio jingle:) Smuggler fm." "Skies may have opened, but one of our farmer listeners has phoned to say his heifers are standing up... and he thinks it's gonna be a lovely day." "My mum used to swear by thistle dew." "Hi!" "I've been looking all over for you." " Let me pay." " I thought you'd got the message." "Yeah, well..." "i thought you and me, we could... what...?" " You're Josh tambini?" " That's what it says on the card." "Yeah, and that's what it said on the guy's card I served yesterday." "What guy?" "About so tall, long hair." "Came here with me?" " Yeah, that's right." " Dean." " Listen..." " no, you listen... you ever think when someone's called "junior"... there's a "senior" around?" "Like, in this case, the senior's ossie sands?" "Sands is your father?" "You used his voice, and didn't care what you did with it." "(mobile phone rings)" " Yes?" "!" "No, this isn't dean!" "What are you on about, "photographer"?" "Who is this?" "I'm gonna kill him." "Come on, you bastard..." "outside!" "You're dead." "Don't be such a yob." "You stole my credit card." "I borrowed it." "Here, have it back." "Ow!" " You fucked up my marriage!" " I never touched karen!" "But you told the papers about me and those twins." "Well, I didn't make you shag them!" "No, dean!" "Not the stick!" "My stick...!" "You all right, Josh?" "He started it!" "What is wrong with you, dean?" "Hmm?" "I mean, you write that crap about Josh... you broke my stick... you fill Terry up with god knows what dodgy drugs... no, they were paracetamol, weren't they?" " Yeah, all right, I fucked up." " Yeah, man, once too often." "You gave me drugs?" "I was tryin' to show you a good time, Terry." "Fuck, if it wasn't for me, we'd never all be here." "Maybe that wouldn't be so bad, dean!" "Sorry...?" "I want you out of here, man." "What about the boneyard?" "That's your problem." "Oh, show Terry a good time, and dean's your man." "Then, things go wrong, and I have to take all the blame?" "Well, life's not a bloody fairy tale, j c." "By tonight, dean." "Where am I supposed to go?" "I haven't got any money." "Lend us some dosh, Terry." "Hold on, j c." "I need a lift." "Josh...?" "You are kidding." "I hear you've been asking where j c lives?" "Oh, I'm Terry's fiancee." "Do you know him?" "Do I know Terry?" "(thunder)" "That could be me, Terry." "I could end up a loser like dean." "Nah..." "I'm nearly thirty... and what have I got to show for that?" "A poxy caravan, a bad back... and two tickets to go around the world." "So, sell 'em to me." "All he wanted to do was get married." "JC's just the opposite." "I said, "wedding" to him once, just to see him squirm." "I'm not kidding." "Sweat... real drops of sweat, on his forehead, and this... hunted look in his eyes." "All the time he was trying to tell me that I hadn't frightened him." "It was Terry's idea, not mine." "Really?" "Why do they think all we want to do is settle down?" "Are you sure, Terry?" "It's two thousand pounds." "No problem." "As long as my loan payments haven't gone through." " Terry!" " Just kidding." "Mike:" "You have a slight problem, do you, dean?" "I'm terribly sorry, it must be an awful line... because for one moment i thought you said... you didn't ever want to work in this business again." "Now, listen to me, dean, darling..." "I've just driven all the way down from london to this god-forsaken, disease-ridden dump... and I want to see somebody out there surfing!" "Look, everyone makes mistakes." "I mean, even your dad made mistakes." "Have you heard his version of "old shep"?" "So, what happened to your face?" "JC:" "I finally get why you want to buy this place." "It's a bit late for that." " Is it?" " Yep." "Way too late." "I'm not gonna do it, Chloe." "I'm not gonna surf the boneyard, and I'm not gonna go 'round the world." "Aren't you scared of what your friends may say?" "The only thing I'm scared of is losing you." "It's easy to say, huh?" "I've heard it all before, j c." "I've got an auction to get to." "Listen, the rave money will never be enough." " Well, it's all I've got." " No, it's not." "I'm selling the tickets to Terry." "As soon as he gives me the money..." "I'm gonna go straight to the auction." "I can't believe you anymore." "Do you know where Terry is?" "He'll be back soon." "Have a seat." "It's really blowing." "Oh, yeah... gonna be some big waves, massive." "So, which one are you?" "Oh, did Terry tell you about us?" "What did he say?" "He said j c was a brilliant surfer, but I know you're not him." "Josh was this really big record producer... go on." "And dean... i can take it." "He said you had lots of unfulfilled potential." "Did he?" "That's a very nice way of saying," "I'm a never done anything fuck-up yob." " He didn't say that." " Well, he should have done." "You gonna be all right on your own?" "Only I've gotta go and fulfill that potential." "Dean?" "Terry's not..." "with another woman, is he?" "Nah... all he does is talk about you." "(ringing)" "Hello?" "Sorry?" "He said, "if you look out of the window... you'll see king arthur has returned, mrs." "Fenton."" " Guinevere!" " Oh, my god." "(snorting)" "Guinevere, I... just hold it with the "guinevere" shit." "You think I'm mary fenton, don't you?" "Well, it's not the first time." "I might look like her, but I'm not" " her." "So you might as well just clear off..." " lancelot." " I'm supposed to be arthur." "Whoever." "Sorry." "So, what were we gonna do if I had been her?" "Ride off 'round the world?" "Fly, actually." "Go on." "Giddy-up." " I'm looking for j c." " Sorry, I'm waiting for Terry." "You don't know if he said anything about surfing the boneyard?" "That's where dean's gone to surf." " You mean, j c?" " No, dean." "Come on, we gotta go and find j c." "Man:" "It's getting worse." "Where's j c?" "Sarah!" "Where's j c?" "Bank." "There he is!" "You're enjoying this." "You don't enjoy things like this." "Hang on!" "Terry... as soon as you've dropped us off... get to the bank, get the money... and get to the auction." "Understand, Terry?" " Yeah." " I'm counting on you, mate." "The brakes aren't working." " Stamp on them!" " I am!" "(screams)" "(screeching)" "Need a lift?" "Come on, we've got to get to the bank." " There's a bike in the back." " Oh, no!" "Man:" "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen... can I ask you all to please take your seats?" "I'd like to welcome you here on behalf of foster and davis... for this afternoon's auction." "I'm going to explain to you to begin with... stop the car." "What?" "Stop the car!" "There's no time to go to the beach!" "Oh, no..." "that's too much!" "How else am I gonna catch him?" "What's he talking about?" "Cliff hop." "(rapping echoes)" "Where are you, j c?" "Full fucking on!" "No!" "What's he gonna do?" "Ride it to him, flip 360 off the lip so he doesn't come down on the slab." "(cheering)" "Now, listen, you... you get me a couple of chicks to pose with those two... and this... is yours." "There goes twenty years of non-violence." "Terry... are you sure this is the way to the bank?" "Whoa!" "Where's the sand?" "Don't ask!" "(giggling)" "Excuse me..." "excuse me, what lot are we on?" "Ask him." " Have you sold the aqua shack yet?" " Yes, we have." " Who to?" " Miss... no, mr." "Toshack." "Shape, this isn't the way to the station." "Scenic route." "Trust me." "(cheering)" "I wanted the old one." "The way I see it, Chloe... the aqua shack is wherever we are." "All:" "Yeah." "This isn't just gonna be a place for your friends to hang out?" "What, this lot?" "They're not my friends, they're customers." "Beg." "What... now?" "Beg." "I'd do anything." "Pathetic." "I'd run down the street, naked." "Yeah?" "At four o'clock in the morning?" "No." "High noon." "I love you, Chloe." "Radio:" "It's another beaut day, in the high eighties at manly beach." "And a listener's phoned to say the sticky buds on his eucalyptus means rain's coming our way." "My mum used to swear by koala droppings." "Terry:" "What a beautiful girl." "Isn't she beautiful?" " Maybe one day..." " us?" "You all right, Terry?" "You look kinda pale." "No... fine, fine." "Come on... surf's up." "(singing:) Oh, light shines on... how was that?" "Ossie, that was beautiful." "Straight into the techno mix." "Do we have to?" "Gotta pay the bills." "It's going off!" "Come here." "What?" "You're gonna miss it." "No, I'm not." "Do you want a board?" "You come and see me when the old man's gone." " You and I can do some business." " Did you really surf the boneyard?" "You know what "triple overhead" means?" "Shaper:" "Get on with it!" "Harmony."