"BATTLE OF THE EXES" " Hello, everyone." " Hi, Diane." "Coach, you know how Sam is always complaining that I'm not spontaneous?" "Yeah, he always goes, "Can't you be more spontaneous?"" "At any rate, it really irritates me." "Me, too." "Especially when he does that." "Coach, Sam doesn't do that." "You do that." "That doesn't make it any less irritating." "Today, I'm going to do something unequivocally spontaneous." " May I have the phone, please?" " Spontaneous phone." "A classmate in my Samoan literature class told me about a 200-year-old country inn on an island off Maine that you have to be ferried to." "By the time the weekend is over, he'll think of the Pequod as our place." "Yes." "I'd like a room for Malone." "Yes, that's right." "Sam Malone." "His usual room?" "If you're looking for a place, there's a lovely inn in Vermont I used to drive to." " What inn?" " In my station wagon." "Vera and I once went to a beautiful place called the Fairview in New Hampshire." "Really romantic." "They don't have any telephones or televisions." "They just have these old fireplaces and romantic old feather beds, antiques, so you have to snuggle up to your loved one." "Best part for me was they had this old romantic circular driveway." "I didn't have to stop." "I just yelled, "cancel Peterson. "" " Hey, everybody." " Oh, Sam." "How would you like to go away with me this weekend to a country inn?" " What inn?" " You can use my station wagon." " Excuse me?" " It's a long story." "I haven't decided where we'll stay but I'll pick a place you've never been and we'II leave tonight." "Listen up." "I am in the worst mood of my entire life." "So don't bug me and stay out of my way." "This is the only warning you'll get." "Come on." "Turn that frown upside down." "Come on." "Easy." "Norman, are you all right?" "I'm just glad I could be here for her." "Something's really bothering Carla." "The man knows women." "Listen." "Maybe one of us should go in there and talk to her." "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten." "Stop showing off." "We got a real problem here." "Coach, I'll go in and talk to her." "I don't want to be disturbed." "If I get any calls, just take a message." "Hello." "I'm Dr paul Kendall." "I'm a licensed psychotherapist specialising in crisis behaviour." "I can help that woman." "Excuse me." "Hello, Carla." "My name is Dr paul Kendall." "I'm a licensed psychotherapist." "Hey." "You all right?" "I never saw her coming." "I think she dropped from the ceiling." " Sit down." "We'll buy you a drink." " OK, that's it." "I'll take over." " Coach, maybe..." " I'll do it." "Let me do it, Sam." "Listen." "I know Carla like the back of my hand." "What the hell is that?" "I never noticed that before." "Coach, maybe you ought to let her cool down." "What's this on the back of my hand?" "I think that Carla very likely has the kind of problem with which only another woman can help." "Carla, this is Diane." "There really is such a thing as sisterhood." "Come on in." "We women stand together." "I think even leaders of nations could learn a great deal by observing the women of America..." "Look." "You claim you know answers to everything." "I am going to give you a chance to handle my problem." "I give you 30 seconds." "If you blow it, I send you out and your face stays here." "Fair enough." "My ex-husband is getting remarried tonight." "Here's the invite." "How terrible for you." "I understand completely." "You've never stopped loving him." "I can see this invitation is soaked with your tears." "That's my spit." "I don't love that rat and I never did." "Sure, there were little things I loved about him, like the way he flexed his tattoo." "The way the hair grew in his ears." "The way he drooled in bed." "Carla, are you sure there's nothing left between you?" "Nothing." "I'm just ticked because he's marrying a dish and rubbing my nose in it." "He even sent a picture of her." "Get a load of that." "She's naked." "So?" "So was he." "I thought he was wearing mohair pyjamas." "He's got this foxy new broad and I can't get a date for his wedding." "I thought you were seeing someone." "His fingerprints grew back." "He left." "Well, then, take someone else." "If you want to play this game with Nick, take somebody and pretend he's your fella." "Someone who'll make Nick jealous." "That's good." "Someone tall, handsome, a hunk." " Maybe Sam..." " Great idea." "I'm saved!" "...knows somebody." "Maybe Sam knows somebody." " Diane had a great idea." " No, I didn't." "Don't be modest." "Nick is getting remarried tonight." "So that's what this is all about." "Diane said you should be my date for the wedding tonight to show Nick I'm better than him." "I didn't." "It's a lunatic idea." "Honey, listen." "I'm going away for the weekend." "Pick somebody else here." "You're the best-looking guy in this bar." " Best-looking guy in the city." " In the state." "He's not." "There's a great-looking guy who used to drink here." " I think his name was Clifford Clavin." " Hey." "I'm..." "Clifford Clavin." "Oh, my God." "What did you do to yourself?" " He used to look like Tyrone Power." " I've lost my looks?" "I think you're thinking of Cliff Clemens." "You've never looked better than this." "That's a relief." "Thank you, Norm." "Hello, Carla!" "Oh, my God." "It's Nick." "I'll be with you in a minute." "What do you say?" "Please?" " Please?" " Carla, Carla." "It would be a transparent charade." "Come on." "I know how you and Nick are." "I don't wanna get in the middle." "Thanks a lot." "Nick, what are you doing here?" "I thought you wouldn't come to the wedding." "I want you to meet my fiancée." "Loretta." "And see for yourself that the photos were not re-touched." "More than I can say for Loretta." "Watch your mouth." "Loretta, this is Carla, who I divorced for obvious reasons." "Look, Nick." "I'm going to make your day." "You're right." "I am not coming to your wedding." " No!" "I'm aghast!" " You knew it the whole time." "You don't want people whispering at the ceremony." ""Look how much better Nick did this time. "" "Carla, honey, are you sure you won't change your mind?" "We'll have a lot of fun at this wedding." "What about the weekend in the country?" "Well, you two can go away after the ceremony." "This wedding's special." "What do you say?" "Wait, wait, wait." "You and Sam, you're a couple?" "She put up quite a fight but I finally got her." "Sam, I thought you was cool." "That's us, honey." "The cabbie's tired of waiting." "I don't want to make him angry." " See you at the wedding." " We'll be there." "This is eerie." "Thank you, Sam." "You sure this is OK with you, Diane?" "Certainly." "Really stirred my ire just watching that baitbucket." "I know." "He still has it, doesn't he?" "Thank you, guys, for hanging around here." "I get nervous when Sam's not here and I have to cash out myself." "You came close." " How close?" " You were only off $16,000." "I never had an accounting course in my life." " You've got a flair for it." " Thanks, Normie." "Coach, I'm going home to pack." "When Sam gets back, will you tell him something?" "Sure, honey." "Goodnight." " I didn't tell you what to tell him." " I'll think of something." "Tell him I'll be back as soon as I'm packed and we'II leave on our trip." " We'll tell him." " Goodnight." "So I'm not a pretty boy." "My father wasn't pretty either." "He's a beautiful man now." "Know what I'm talking about?" "I mean, beautiful inside." "If you could have seen his insides..." "When he has an operation, let me know." " Hey, how was the wedding?" " Oh, it was so great." "Normie, if there is such a thing as perfect, this was it." "Sam kept putting his arm around me, hugging me, whispering in my ear." " Did Nick notice?" " Notice?" "He threw the ring at us and yelled, "Pay attention!"" "So, Coach." "How did we do tonight?" "The total's a little off, Sam, you know." "Twenty, thirty thousand?" "Sixteen." "Way to go, guy." "You're bucking for promotion here." "If it happens, it happens." " Goodnight, all." " Goodnight, Coach." " Goodnight." " Goodnight, Coach." "Where's Diane?" " She's packing." "She'll be back shortly." " Thanks." "Cliff, you've had a lot to drink." "I'll drive you home." "That's great of you." "You're a real friend." "A pal when you need one." "If I have kids, I'll name them after you." "Even if they're girls." "Please." "It's just a ride home." "Yeah, but I'm going to throw up in your car." " Coffee, Carla?" " Yeah." "Thanks." "You were the greatest tonight." "Thanks for putting up with that." "I had a terrific time." "Someone should have told Nick." "He went through the ceremony with his fly open." "He knew." "It's a tradition in his family." "Sign of fertility." "Didn't you notice his father and all the ushers?" "That's right." "Well, that explains it." "I thought it was because the building was stuffy." "I thought about it myself." " You know something, Carla?" " What?" " You surprised me tonight." " Why?" "I never realised how much you know about me." "You know more stories about my career than I do." "I had to make it look like the real thing." " I know everything about you." " Yeah, right." "Your favourite colour is blue." "Your hobby is sailing, favourite food is Chinese." "Your taste in women is not what it used to be." "Right across the board." "You do know me." " Better than you know me." " Oh, yeah?" "Your favourite meal is Chicken McNuggets." "Your favourite hobby is drawing underarm hair on the models in "Vogue"." "And your favourite movie is "Lady And The Tramp"." "And you always cry when they eat the spaghetti." "I didn't think anybody knew that." "I'll tell you something else you didn't think I knew." " You go to Mass every Sunday." " Who squealed?" "I was guessing." "Shows how well I know you." "This is soppy." "Let's talk about something else." "Baseball?" " We're gonna miss the bus." " Keep your pants on." "We've got forever together." "You know, the way you were carrying on at my wedding, all lovey-dovey..." "How long has this been going on?" " What's it to you?" " Answer the question." "You been seeing him while we were married?" "No." "I was always faithful to you." "Were you seeing Loretta?" "What am I, on trial here?" "If you were seeing him when we were married, our marriage was a lie." "You know, she's taken enough abuse from you." "Knock it off or I'll teach you some manners." "This'll be great." "Nick's a bleeder." "I want to talk to you." " What about?" " It's private." " Go on." " All right." "Make it quick." "I want you back." "Nick, you just got married." "Your bride is standing over there." "I'II lose her in the bus station." "That's where I found her." "Are you nuts?" "You've still got wedding cake in your mouth." "I don't know what it is." "Every time I look at you today, I say to myself, "Carla's not so bad. "" "Maybe I was making a mistake." "I don't know what it is." "What do you say, Carla?" "I know what it is." "You saw me with Sam today." "You saw that somebody else wanted me so you wanted me back." "Forget it." "I wouldn't make the same mistake twice." "Sure." "I'll forget it, if you forget this." " So how's married life treating you?" " I don't feel so different." "So?" "What do you say, Carla?" "Nothing, Nick." "The magic is gone." "I got myself a better guy." "Well, I took a shot." "Loretta, you're up!" "I don't appreciate you coming to the wedding in the dress you married me in." "Boy, am I primed for this honeymoon." "So, come on." "What happened?" "What did he say?" "He crawled to me, Sam, and I stepped on his heart." "All right!" "That's terrific." "You must feel great." "Hey, come on." "What's this all about?" "Listen, you're on top." "He came back begging and you beat him." "What are you so upset about?" "I didn't beat him." "He only wanted me because he thought you did." "What he has is real." "AII I have is a lie." "My life is terrible." "Hey, come on, Carla." "Come on." "Well..." "You know what that was, don't you?" " No, do you?" " I think so." "Good." "What was it?" "We've been together all afternoon and all over each other." "It's just the natural thing to do." "That wasn't it." " Well, what was it?" " It was a pity kiss." "I've gotten them, I've given them." "I know what they are." " So have I. That wasn't one." " Then what was it?" "Maybe we just wanted to find out what it would be like." "Maybe." "So what was it like?" " What was it like for you?" " I've had better." " Well, I haven't." " I know." "Well..." "Whatever it was, it's over now." "Yeah." "Ain't gonna let that get in the way of a good friendship, huh?" "If it picks you up any, I never had a better handshake." "Hi, guys." "Well, what happened?" "It was great." "We made a shambles of the wedding." "Diane, I want to thank you." "Sam." "Tonight, the three of us joined together and were able to make another human being eat his liver." "Life, I love you!" "Goodnight." " I'm ready for our weekend." " You're sure you've got everything?" "I believe in being prepared." "With all this luggage, I hope you didn't forget the frilly baby doll nightie I love so much." "I'm sorry, Sam." "It's at the cleaners." "Couldn't you wear something else?" "Just this once." "OK, but if I don't like it, we come right home." "English"