"Ah." "Chapter One." "The Introduction." "An author ought to consider himself not as a gentleman who gives a private party for his friends and acquaintances, but rather as one who keeps an inn or a tavern, at which all persons are welcome for their money." "In the former case, it is well-known, the entertainer provides what fare he pleases, even though this should be utterly disagreeable to his company." "Now, the contrary to this..." "Um..." "Damn." "Now, before we proceed any further together," "I think proper to acquaint you, that I intend to digress through this whole history, as often as I see occasion, of which I am myself a better judge than any pitiful critic." "And furthermore..." "Very well, then." "In the county of Somerset, there once lived a gentleman by the name of Allworthy." "He enjoyed a large fortune, a benevolent heart, and lived, for the most part, retired in the country with his virtuous sister Bridget, a lady now somewhat past the age of 30, at which the title of "old maid" may safely be assumed." "FIELDING:" "Mr Allworthy had been absent a full three months... on business in London." "And after a simple supper, he retired, much fatigued, to bed." "Our father which art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name  thy kingdom come, thy will be done, in..." "ALLWORTHY:" "Mrs Wilkins!" "Bridget!" "An infant?" "Oh, my good sir." " What's to be done?" " Well, I..." "I hope Your Worship will send out your warrant to take up the hussy, its mother." "Indeed, such wicked sluts cannot be too severely punished." "I suppose, Mrs Wilkins, she has only taken this method to provide for her child." "Indeed, I'm glad she has not done worse." "I don't know what is worse, than for such wicked strumpets to lay their sins at honest men's doors." "If I might be so bold to give my advice," "I would have it put in a basket, and laid at the churchwarden's door." "It is a good night, only a little rainy and windy." "And two-to-one, it lives till it's found in the morning." "And if it should not, we have discharged our duty by taking proper care of it." "After all..." "Mrs Wilkins... take the child to your own bed, and take care of him tonight." "Tomorrow, we shall find him a nurse." "Oh, it is a sweet little child after all." "Good night, Mrs Wilkins." "Good night, Sister." " Adopt the bastard, Your Worship?" " As my own, Mrs Wilkins." "I shall give him my name." "Thomas." "We must find the brat's mother." "The wicked, impudent slut must be punished." "Make enquiries in the parish, Mrs Wilkins." "And thus the due processes of the law took their course." "Having scrutinised the characters of every young girl in the village, they all agreed that the likeliest suspect was the servant of the village schoolmaster, one Jenny Jones." "MRS WILKINS:" "She's confessed." "You know, child, it is in my power as a magistrate to punish you very rigorously for what you have done." "Particularly as you have, in a manner, laid your sins at my door." "However, by your confession I have some opinion of your good sense, as well as some hopes of your hearty repentance." "I shall convey you, therefore, from this scene of your shame to a place where you shall, by being unknown, avoid the punishment that is allotted to your crime in this world." "And I hope, by repentance, you will avoid the much heavier sentence denounced against it in the next." "Indeed, sir, your kindness overcomes me." "As for your child..." "I will provide for him in a better manner than you could ever hope." "for that I thank you, sir, heartily." "He is innocent and will, I hope, live to be grateful for all the favours you shall show him." "Hm." "And now nothing remains but that you inform me who was the wicked man that seduced you?" "Sir, I promise you faithfully you shall one day know the father of my infant." "But at this time I am under the most solemn ties of honour, as well as the most religious of vows, to conceal his name." " Madam..." " And I know you too well to think you would desire I should sacrifice either my honour or my religion." "Jenny, you have done wrong to enter into such engagements to a villain." "But since you have, I will not insist on your breaking them." "Well." "I'll have the father's name out of that slut before the sun sets." "You are too tainted with the vice of curiosity, madam." "I thank heaven even my enemies may not accuse me of prying into other people's affairs." "I doubt not that the poor girl has been seduced by some rascal who is infinitely more to blame than herself." " No, no." "I swear!" " With a servant!" "Trollop!" "The schoolmaster's wife was immediately convinced of her husband's guilt, and soon coaxed a confession out of him by the subtlest and most cunning of means." "Sir, I plead "not guilty"." "But consider, Mr Partridge, your own wife has given evidence against you." "With my own servant." "She swears you confessed your guilt." " In my own house." " Thank you, Mrs Partridge." "Defiled my own chaste bed with his beastly, stinking whores." "Yes, yes." "And then beat me to a fit when I civilly taxed him with his adultery." "Quite." "Sir, I was forced into that confession, for she vowed she was sure of my guilt, and would never leave tormenting me until I owned it." "And she faithfully promised that if I did, she would never mention it more." "Hence, I was induced falsely to confess myself guilty, though I was innocent." "I assure you, sir, that your prevaricating and lying backward and forward is a great aggravation of your guilt." "But, sir, I beg you, send for Jenny Jones." "She's gone and left the village, Your Worship, as he well knows." "Besides, the evidence of such a slut..." "Thank you, Mrs Wilkins." "Sir, I am satisfied of your guilt." "You cannot persist in denying what is so plainly proved against you, even by your own wife." "I shall deprive you, therefore, of your annuity in this world." " My annuity?" " And recommend repentance in the next." "My annuity?" "Alas, poor Partridge." "Deprived of his income and his reputation, he soon lost his little school." "But fortune at length took pity on the wretched man by putting an end to his wife, who soon after caught the smallpox and died." "And as he now resolved to leave the county, we shall simply wish him a good journey and return to our hero, little Tommy Jones... where I beg leave to introduce some friends and acquaintances of Mr Allworthy's household." "The great moral philosopher, Mr Square." "Human nature, sir, is the perfection of all virtue." "The Very Reverend Mr Thwackum." "The human mind, sir, since the fall, is nothing but a sink of iniquity." "And the impecunious Dr Blifil." "A master of every science, except one by which he might earn a living." "Although these three gentlemen never met without a disputation, on one point they were all in perfect agreement, to wit, the infinite charms of Miss Bridget's inheritance." "Sadly, however, some years previously, the good doctor was the victim of a tragic accident, namely, marriage to another woman." "But a solution to this inconvenient problem soon occurred to him." "May I present my brother, Captain Blifil?" "Miss Bridget Allworthy." "Madam." " Mr Allworthy." " Captain Blifil." "Mr Square and the Reverend Thwackum." "Have I the pleasure of seeing your son, sir?" "Alas, sir, my three children died in their infancy, and my wife is with them." " A perished family." " Brother." "for my part, I cannot help thinking that to adopt such children is an encouragement to vice." " Oh, indeed, madam." " Indeed." "On the other hand, one must feel some compassion for the helpless little creature." " Oh, indeed, madam." " Indeed." " And will you wed again, sir?" " It's not my intention, Captain." "You see..." "I look upon myself as still married." "Ah." "Then the foundling will inherit the entire estate." "Unless, of course, my sister should choose to marry." "Brother." "In which case, any son of hers shall be my heir." "The house has a southeasterly aspect, does it not?" "THWACKUM:" "I declare the same by giving..." "It is been said that all persons are doomed to be in love once in their lives." "And now, Miss Bridget's time had come." "... name of the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost," "I now pronounce you man and wife." "Ah, well." "I've always thought love to be the only foundation of happiness in a married state." "Oh, yes." "Indeed, sir." "And in my opinion, all those marriages that are contracted from other motives are greatly criminal." "And generally end in misery." "FIELDING:" "A prophecy which certainly came true for the good Dr Blifil." "For no sooner was the Captain possessed of Miss Bridget than he found means to have him turned away." "And to pay back Miss Bridget for all those long, weary hours before marriage, in which he had been obliged to give up his opinion to hers." "I look upon a woman, sir, as an animal of domestic use, of somewhat higher consideration than a cat, perhaps, since her offices are rather more important." "But the difference is, in my estimation, small." "It's better indeed, Reverend Thwackum, to possess every convenience of life with an ugly woman... than a beauty... without any of those advantages." "FIELDING:" "For with Allworthy's entire estate as apprised, the Captain saw it as an act of sheer benevolence to give life to a being who would be so plentifully provided with the most essential means of happiness." "A boy, Mrs Blifil." "A boy." "Amen." "Sister, I propose our newborn should be brought up together with little Tommy." "Good God, sir." "How can you think of such a thing?" "Need I remind you, to adopt the fruits of sin is to give countenance to it." " Why, sir, I..." " Captain Blifil." "However guilty the parents may be, the child is certainly innocent." "How right you are, Brother." "FIELDING:" "Yeah." "This a good deal soured the Captain's temper, as did all the other daily instances of Mr Allworthy's generosity." "For the Captain looked upon them all as diminutions of his own wealth." "One hundred and..." "He passed his days in calculating the exact value of the estate." "For nothing was wanting now, but the death of inconvenient Mr Allworthy." "So, bidding the good Captain farewell, we shall now pass over a space of some 1O years and bring forth our hero at..." "Steady, Tom." "That bird's on Squire Western's estate." " But George..." " Mr Allworthy gave me strict orders." "But it's Mr Allworthy's partridge." "If he catches me trespassing on Squire Western's land," "I shall lose my position." "No." "Squire Western." " Good morning, Miss Western." " Good morning, Mr Jones." "Mr Jones, may I present my aunt?" "Ma'am." "What have you to say this time, Tom?" "Sir, the partridge was sprung in your manor, sir, not Squire Western's." "Nevertheless, you did wrong, Tom." "Trespassing on my land, blast him." "And Lord knows what other damage they've done." " They, sir?" " I heard two guns, sure." " There was another person with him." " This is a very serious charge, sir." " Have you proof?" " A pox on your proof, Allworthy." "I heard two guns, I tell ye." "Tom... was anyone with you?" "Sir, no one, sir." "I was alone, I swear." "If I had told my master such a wicked fib as you have done," "I would be ashamed to show my face." "What fib, child?" "He well knows, sir, that your gamekeeper George Seagrim was with him when he killed the partridge." " No." " Yes, he was." "Deny it if you can." " Oh-ho!" " Oh-ho." "Is this true, child?" "Oh, really, sir, he has all the vices." "I must remind you, sir, he has already been convicted of three heinous crimes, viz, robbing an orchard, kidnapping a duck, and picking young Master Blifil's pocket of a ball." "I must again express my wonder, sir, that you should suffer such a beggarly lad to be educated with Master Blifil." "As a philosopher, sir, I can't help congratulating you on your nephew to have arrived so young at such a capacity for distinguishing right from wrong." "I'm only glad my instructions have borne such good fruit." "Your instructions, sir?" "Where he has learned his philosophy of right and wrong is quite apparent, I think." " No, no, Master Blifil's my boy." " A pox on you both!" "If he were my son, I'd see his backside and flea him for a snitch." "He's a god lad, is Tom." "I often wish I had a lad with such parts." "Nah, it is that thieving poacher Seagrim sicced him to it." "Sure." "How come that you are persisting so obstinately... in such a falsehood, Tom?" "Because George told me not to go into Squire Western's manor and he only followed down because I did." "He knew you would dismiss him, and I couldn't bear to see his family cold and starving." "And at the same time I know myself to be the occasion of all their sufferings." "Do punish me, sir." "Pray, forgive poor George." "There is a great difference, is there not, Brother, between being guilty of a falsehood to excuse oneself and ta excuse another?" "Indeed there is, Sister." "And I declare, I think Tom deserves reward rather than punishment." "Mr Seagrim, however, is a different matter altogether." "I chastise thee... not out of hatred... but out of love." "I chastise thee... not out of hatred... but out of love." "Reverend Thwackum." "The boy, sir, is not to be whipped so again." "To remit the punishment of a crime, madam, is to encourage it." "I am very sorry, Tom, that you've been so severely punished on this account." "Against my wishes." "George Seagrim, quite apart from poaching against my express command on the estate of my neighbour, Mr Western, you have basely suffered a small boy to undergo heavy punishment for your sake, when you could have prevented it by making the discovery yourself." "You are dismissed from my service." "Neighbour." "Greetings, neighbour." "This way, this way." "Tom, Tom." "See what father has brought me back from Bristol." " TOM:" "Sophia?" " Hm?" "You know, George Seagrim is really one of the most honestest poachers in the country." "And extremely well-qualified for the place of gamekeeper on your father's estate." " Oh, no, Tom." " Which luckily now happens to be vacant." "I would with all my heart, Tom, for I pity poor George, but it is impossible." "Father would never ever have such a villain..." "But we must attempt to make some amends for what Master Blifil..." "Shh!" "MAN:" "Sophie!" "Indeed, Uncle, I must own, I had Miss Sophia's bird in my hand." "And thinking the poor creature languished for liberty," "I could not forbear giving it what it desired." "For I have always thought there is something very cruel, nay, even un-Christian, in confining anything." "To do as we would be done by is indeed a most Christian motive." "Pox!" "If he were my son, I'd flea his backside for taking away my Sophy's bird." "Come, my little darling." "I promise thee, thou shall have an even finer bird." "And anything thy heart desires." "I have always thought George Seagrim extremely well-qualified" " for the place of gamekeeper in our estate." " Seagrim?" "Never." "Oh, thank ye, Squire Western." "Thank ye." "FIELDING:" "Poor Squire Western." "His daughter always had her way in the end." "But true fortune had a little surprise in store for Miss Western, as we shall soon see." "Sophy." "Be off with you, Master Jones." "Mistress, you are to play only with Master Blifil." "I hate Master Blifil." "Madam." "Tom." "Tom." "Tom!" "Your daughter, sir, my niece, is surrounded by the boisterous brutality of mere country boobies." "Damn me, I love that boy." "I have lived about the court, Brother, and seen the world." "And if you ever took your nose out of the stable, or the bottle..." "Aye." " It is all my fault." " Indeed, it is." "She must be removed without further ado, to a rarefied and civilised atmosphere such as Bath." "Never!" "FIELDING:" "Poor Squire Western." "His sister always had her way in the end." "And as the years passed, while Sophia contemplated all the accomplishments of a lady in Bath," "Tom grew up into a fine young... rascal!" "George?" "George?" "WOMAN:" "Tom?" "FIELDING:" "And George Seagrim's daughter..." "Molly?" "... Molly..." "Up here." "... well." "Molly." " Molly." " Tom." "FIELDING:" "Oh, well." "Let us without further ado return with Mr Jones to his home at Mr Allworthy's, and renew acquaintance, after all these years, with the pious Mr Blifil, of whom one can certainly say he had fulfilled all the rich promise of his youth." "And here is Mr Blifil's unfortunate mother Bridget, now sadly reduced from legs to wheels by persistent ill health." "And, of course, the excellent Mr Allworthy himself." "With child?" "It's Molly." "She has brought disgrace upon us all." "She's the worst of the family that ever was a whore." "You need not upbraid me with that, Mother." "You yourself was brought to bed with me within a week after you were married." "Yes, I was." "But I was made an honest woman then." "And if you was to be made an honest woman, I should not be angry." "But you must be doing with a gentleman, you nasty slut." "And you'll have a bastard, hussy." "You will, and that I defy anyone to say of me." "My gentleman will provide for me." "He has promised I shall never want for money." "And you shan't, neither, if you hold your tongues." "Who does she think she is?" "You slut!" " Tom?" " Sophy." "Drive on." "# How stands the glass around?" "#" "# For shame ye take no care, my boys #" "# How stands the glass around?" "#" "Miss Western." "Mr Jones." "Tom!" "You rascal." "Now Sophy's back, we'll soon get her married off to the richest man in the county, hey, Tom?" "Father." "Ah, Parson Supple." "Come in, come in, come in." "Come on, sit ye down." "Sit ye down." "What's your news?" "Why, sir, after the battle in the churchyard this morning, a warrant was served on George Seagrim's daughter Molly." "She had been brought before Mr Allworthy." "Well, sir, the wench, she is, as it appears, on the road to bringing forth a bastard." "The Squire demanded of her who was the father, but she would make no response." "When I departed, he was like to have her sent to the house of correction." "I beg to be excused, sir." "Pox, Tommy, finish your drink." "I smoke it." "I smoke it!" "Tom is certainly the father of that bastard." " I should be very sorry to hear that." " Why sorry?" "It is no mighty matter." "Well, does pretend that thee hast never got a bastard?" " Pox." " Your Worship is pleased to be jocular." "But I must say, the young gentleman, and I think I may call him that, notwithstanding his birth and lack of fortune, appears to me a very modest and civil lad." "I should be sorry if he should do himself any injury in Squire Allworthy's opinion." "Injury?" "Allworthy likes a wench himself." "It will do no harm with he, assure yourself, nor with anybody else, either." "Ask Sophy here." "You have not got the worse opinion of a young fellow for begetting a bastard, have you, girl?" "Well, no, they..." "Women'll like him the better for it." "I am the father of her child." "I beg you, sir, take pity on the poor girl, and consider if there is any guilt in the case, it lies principally at my door." "If there is any guilt in the case?" "Are you then so profligate and abandoned a libertine as to doubt whether the breaking of the laws of God and man, the corruption and ruining of a poor girl, be guilt?" "I own I have corrupted her." "But whether she should be ruined depends on you." "Whatever be my fate, sir, for heaven's sake, revoke your warrant." "This vanity is nothing less than opposing the will of the Almighty, who hath marked some particular persons for destruction." "I am as angry as you, sir, at the incontinence of Master Jones, but he has promised to see no more of the girl." "I recommend the birch, sir." "I find myself well-pleased with the honour and honesty of his self-accusation." " Honour, sir?" " One must balance the faults with the perfections." "And I believe he is sincerely affected by what he has done and will not transgress again." "I'm sorry to say, sir, but I too have been deceived as well as yourself." "For we now see clearly, whence commenced the seeming generosity of Master Jones to the Seagrim family." "The integrity of his friendship is highly commendable." "Come, sir, do you not see?" "He supported the father and preserved the family from starvation, in order to corrupt the daughter." "La, ma'am." "All the parish says she has laid the child to young Mr Jones." "And that Mr Allworthy is so angry that he will not see him." "To be sure, one can't help pitying poor Mr Jones." "And yet he does not deserve much pity neither for demeaning himself with such a slut." "Oh, yet he is so pretty a gentleman, I should be sorry to have him turned out of doors." "I dare say she was as willing as he, for she always has been a forward kind of baggage." "And when wenches are so forthcoming, young men can do no more than what comes natural." "But it is pity they be the ruin of such pretty young gentlemen." "And there is no denying that Mr Jones is one of the handsomest of men." "What concern have I in Mr Jones?" " But to be sure, ma'am..." " Stop that torrent of impertinence!" "Sophy!" "Sophy!" "Miss Western." "To our health, sir." "One for you, and one for me." "There we are." " Morning, everybody." " ALL:" "Morning." "Very good hunt today." "And here's to the King." "God bless the King!" "And there she is." "There's my little darling." "Sophy." "Tom, you rascal." "Good morning, Miss Western." "Oh, take no heed." "Her mother were no different." "Tally ho!" "Come on, mates!" "Let's go!" "Tom!" "Tom!" "Here, let me see." "Ah!" "He's broke his arm." "Tom." "How are you?" "Tom." "Damn me, but I love that boy." "He shall take the choice of all the horses in my stable, except only Miss Slouch." "I must say I pity Tom's sufferings, but I greatly approve the gallant behaviour which occasioned them." "Such accidents as broken bones are beneath the consideration of a man of philosophy." "I have nothing but contempt, for the feelings of pain." "And the Chevalier." "This broken limb is a judgement from heaven on his sins." "And he should be daily on his knees, pouring forth thanks to heaven that he's broken his arm only and not his neck, which is certainly reserved for some future occasion." "You may kiss my arse with your judgement, Parson." "Damn me, did he not break a bone in defence of a young woman?" "Pox." "If he does nothing worse, he shall go to heaven sooner than all the parsons in the good country." "For my part, I have always hopes for Mr Jones' reformation, of which the unparalleled goodness shown by my uncle on every occasion must certainly effect in one not absolutely abandoned." "Let us leave him." "Farewell, Tom." "I must a while to Bath to use the waters against my distemper." "Remember this, it is not enough that your actions are good, you must take care that they shall appear so." "Sister." "And now, with our hero recovering in bed, we have some weeks of leisure to reflect upon certain moral and religious matters arising from..." "La, ma'am, what does Your Ladyship think?" "Is Mr Jones not one of the most handsomest gentlemen there ever was?" " Why, you are certainly in love with him, Honour." " Upon my word, I am not." "Well, if you were, I see no reason you should be ashamed of it, for he is certainly a very pretty fellow." "La, ma'am, though Squire Allworthy has made him a gentleman, he was not so good as myself by birth." "For though I am a poor body, my mother and father were married, which is more than some people can say, as high as they hold their heads." "And although he's the most handsomest gentleman I have ever seen, my grandfather was a clergyman, and would be very angry to find out that one of his family had taken up with Molly Seagrim's dirty leavings." "I wonder at your assurance in daring to talk thus of one of my father's friends." "And as to that wench, I order you never to mention her name to me." "I'm sorry if I've offended Your Ladyship." "I'm sure I hate Molly Seagrim as much as Your Ladyship can." "And as for abusing Squire Jones, I can call all the servants here to witness that whenever there has been any talk of bastards, I have always taken his part." "For which of you, I says to the footmen, would not be a bastard if he could be made a gentleman of?" "And to be sure, I could tell Your Ladyship something on Mr Jones' account, but I'm afraid it would offend you." "What could you tell me, Honour?" " Nay, to be sure he meant no harm by it." " Prithee, tell me." "I will know it this instant." "Right, one day last week, when we were visiting Mr Jones on his sick bed," "I thought he looked melancholy." ""Why, " says I, "Mr Jones, what's the matter?" "Oh, Honour, " he says," ""My Sophia is an angel," ""and I will always worship and adore her for as long as I have breath. "" "But to be sure he meant no harm by it." "So I hope Your Ladyship won't say a word, for he gave me a crown never ta mention it." "I will not have you mention this anymore, Honour, for it may come to my father's ears, and he would be angry with Mr Jones." "Although as you say, he meant nothing by it." "No, he did, Your Ladyship." "# Phyllis, talk no more of passion #" "Tommy!" "There you are." "I have a song." "This will gladden your heart." "# Let us take the road #" "# But I hear the sound of coaches #" "# The hour of attack approaches #" "# To your arms, brave boys, and load #" "# See the ball I hold #" "George, Goody." "Tom." "Molly's not at home, Mr Jones." "Oh, but Mother, she is." "She's upstairs a-bed." "Molly." "Why, Tom, I was fast asleep." "Molly, my father, Mr Allworthy, has strictly forbidden me ever seeing you." "Oh?" "Oh." "So this is your love for me?" "To forsake me in this manner after you have ruined me?" "Consider, Molly, you'll soon find a man who'll marry you." "What signifies all the riches in the world to me without you?" "Know that you have gained my heart, so you have!" "You have!" "Why do you mention another man to me?" "I can never love another man as long as I live!" "All men are nothing to me!" "I shall always hate and despise the whole sex for your sake, Tom Jones." "Mr Square." "I see, sir, philosophers are composed of flesh and blood as well as we mere immortals." "Well, sir," "I see you enjoy this discovery." "And I dare swear taste great delights in the thought of exposing me." "But if you will consider the matter fairly, you will find that you are yourself only to blame." "I, sir, am not guilty of corrupting innocence." "No." "And nor is Squire Jones, neither." "He wasn't the first, not by a long ways." "And 'tisn't his child she's been with, neither." " 'Tis Will Barnes', as all the parish knows." " Is this true, Molly?" "You!" "Come back here, you!" "How dare you!" "I have done nothing, sir, for which the world will condemn me." "Nothing is indeed wrong which is not unnatural, and therefore anything which is not wrong must be both innocent and laudable." "Well-reasoned, old boy." "And what can be more innocent than the indulgence of a healthy appetite?" "Or what more laudable than the propagation of our species?" "I profess they have always appeared so to me." "And yet, you were of a different opinion when my affair with Molly was first discovered." "Why, sir, as to that, I must confess that matter was misrepresented to me by that person Thwackum." "As to the philosophical consideration of right and wrong, very minute circumstances, sir, very minute circumstances... cause great alteration." "Well, that be as it will." "It shall be your own fault if you hear any more of this." "Behave kindly to Molly and I promise you this affair will remain a profound secret." "Good night, George." "And good night, Molly." " Mr Jones." " Mr Jones." "Mr Jones!" "Mr Jones!" "It's Mr Allworthy." "Shh." "Do not sorrow thus, Tom." "It's the most ordinary of all human circumstances." "My physician having acquainted me that I'm in danger of leaving you all very shortly..." "I have determined to say a few words concerning my will... that I may have the comfort of perceiving that you are all satisfied with the provisions I have made for you." "Nephew Blifil," "I leave you my whole estate, except only an income of £500 a year for your dear mother." "And the same for you, Tom." "And as I have often observed that the want of ready money in this world is more apt to excite contempt than commiseration," "I have added another thousand pounds." "Perhaps you will think I have given you too little, but the world will be ready to condemn me for giving you too much." " Oh, sir." " But I am convinced, my child, there is much generosity and goodness and honour in your temper." "If you will add prudence to these, you will surely be happy." "£1OOO have I given to you, Mr Thwackum." "A sum, I am sure, which greatly exceeds your desires... as well as your wants." "A like sum, Mr Square, have I bequeathed to you." "And this will I hope enable you to pursue your profession with a better success than hitherto." "And will supply what little a man of your philosophical temper might require." "My faithful servants will find some tokens to remember me by." "Bless you all." "I set out a little before you." "Sir, there is an attorney come from Bath with a particular message, which it seems he must communicate to you yourself." "Go, child, see what the gentleman wants." "I cannot see anyone at present." "Mr Allworthy has charged me to deal with any urgent matters on his behalf." "He cannot see you now." "Then you may tell Mr Allworthy that his sister lies dead at Bath." "She was seized by the plague in the stomach, and carried off in a few hours." "On her deathbed, she sent for me and bid me deliver this letter into Mr Allworthy's hand." "And to no other." "Be assured, sir, I will carry it to my uncle." " Thank you, Mr..." " Dowling, sir." "Dowling, at your service." "Dowling." ""My faithful servants will find some tokens" indeed." "Pretty reward, for sure." "Well, sir, may I warrant you'll be well-satisfied with your legacy." "The duty I have done in his family and the care I have taken in the education of the two boys are services for which some men might have expected a greater return." "Well, for my part, sir, I may say that the pitiful memorial of my friendship which he has thought fit to bequeath me, I despise it." "And nothing but the unfortunate situation of my circumstances should prevail upon me to accept it." "You astound me, sir." "Mr Allworthy is... out of all danger." "Doctor!" "You deserve a statue erected to you at the public expense for saving a man who is not only the darling of all good men who know him, but a blessing to society and an honour to human nature." "A little early for me, I fear." "TOM:" "Damn me if I don't love him more than my own soul." "More shame on you, sir, for I think you have good reason to lave him, for he has provided very well for you." "Does your mean soul imagine any such consideration would weigh with me?" " Mean soul?" " Mean soul." "This house, sir, is a house of mourning for my dear mother who passed away last night." "Your mother?" "And if it pleases heaven to give us any prospect of Mr Allworthy's recovery then it would become us better to express our thanks in prayer than in drunkenness and riots." "Well said, sir." "Well said." "Your pardon, sir." "I did not know." "I, sir, have the misfortune to know who my parents are and I'm consequently affected by their loss." "Damn you for a rascal!" "Do you insult me with the misfortune of my birth?" "THWACKUM:" "Hold your hand, son!" "Sophy." "How I wish, sir, for the sake of your uncle's soul, that the damnable doctrines of Mr Square had not perverted his faith so." "It's to this that I impute his recent behaviour so unbecoming to a Christian." "Well, who else but an atheist could dream of leaving this world without having first settled his account in full?" "Jones." "Lucifer." "Fie upon it, Mr Jones." "Is it possible that you should be the person?" "As you see, old boy, it is possible I should be here." " Who was that naked slut with you?" " Naked slut?" "I'm resolved to discover the wicked wretch." "And I tell you plainly, sir, I'm resolved you shall not!" "What?" "How dare you!" "Unhand me." "I command you, reveal yourself, you whore of Babylon." "What..." "Jones..." "Rogue." "You ruffian." "Repent your sins." "No, no, no, no." "Please." "No, hey, oh!" "THWACKUM:" "I did not deserve..." "Damnation." "Aren't you ashamed?" "falling two against one?" "Come on." "There you are." "You're in a devilish pickle, I can promise you." "Miss Western." "It seems to me that the wickedness of the country is principally owing to the encouragement your uncle has given to vice, for showing such kindness to bastards and sundry loose wenches." "Well, we shall soon see what he has to say about this wretched disgrace of Mr Jones'." "No." "No." "We shall hoard this business up, I think." "My brooch." "Brother." "Sister." "Brother, have you not observed something very extraordinary in my niece lately?" " No, not I. Is anything the matter with the girl?" " I think there is." "And something of much consequence, too." "Why, she doesn't complain of anything and she hath had the smallpox." "Brother, girls are liable to other distempers besides the smallpox." "I promise you, I was never more deceived in my life, if my niece be not most desperately in love." "How?" "In... in love?" "In love without acquainting me?" "I'll disinherit her." "I'll turn her out of doors, stark naked, without a brass farthing." "Is all my kindness come to this?" "You will not turn her out of doors, I hope, before you know whether you shall approve her choice." "Suppose she should have fixed on the very person whom you yourself would wish?" "No." "Well, that would make a difference." "If she chooses the man that I would have her marry, then she may love who she pleases." "Then, sir, I believe the very person she has chosen would be the very person you would choose for her." "I will disclaim all knowledge of the world if it be not so and I trust, Brother, you will allow I have some." "Why, Sister, I do believe that you know as much as any woman." "But come, who is the man?" "Dare I say you may find him out for yourself, if you please." "You, who are so great a politician, can be at no great loss." "The judgement which can penetrate the cabinets of princes must surely with very little difficulty find out what passes in the uninformed mind of a mere girl." "Sister, I have often warned you about talking your court gibberish to me." "And I am only a woman." "And it's as well for ye, or I'd have given thee a clout long ago!" "Sister, I am glad I know your mind on this matter." "But for the present, I pray, do tell me what man my daughter has chosen." "Come, Brother." "Did you not have eyes in your head?" "Did you not see her faint away on seeing a certain gentleman lie wounded on the ground?" "Did she not turn pale after we left him?" "Fore George!" "It is so, certainly." "And I am glad on it with all my heart." "For nothing could lie more handy together than our mo estates." "I mean, it is true indeed." "I mean, there would be larger estates in the kingdom, but not in this county." "And I shan't marry my daughter to strangers and foreigners." "Sister!" "Brother!" "I..." "I knew Sophy was a good girl and would not fall in love to make me angry." "And I think, sir, you may propose the match to Allworthy yourself." " I shall propose it this very moment." " Oh, really, Brother, you are a perfect dolt." "Wait at least for the poor man to leave his sickbed and buy his sister." "PRIEST:" "We therefore commit her body to the ground." "Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, in sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ, who shall change our vile body that it may be like unto His glorious body, according to the mighty working," "whereby He is able to subdue all things to Himself..." "Neighbour." "Well, then, if the young people like each other," "I shall be very happy to complete the affair." "Sophia!" "There you are, child." "Come, Sophy, I have news which will delight your very soul." "This afternoon, your father hath appointed for you to receive your lover." " My lover, madam?" " Yes, child." "This very afternoon." "Now, you know the impetuosity of my brother's temper." "No sooner had I acquainted him with your passion but he immediately proposed it to Mr Allworthy." "He consented." "But to be sure, the match is too advantageous to be refused." "And I tell you, child, this afternoon you are to put on all your best airs." " Dear Aunt, I don't know what to say." " Oh, my dear Sophy." "He's a charming young fellow, that's the truth of it." "Oh, I know none with such perfections." "So brave and yet so gentle." "So witty, yet so inoffensive." " So humane, so civil, so genteel, so handsome..." " Indeed, indeed." "What signifies him being base born when compared with such qualifications as these?" "Base born?" "What do you mean "base born"?" "Mr Blifil "base born"?" "Mr Blifil?" "Mr Blifil, aye." "Mr Blifil, of whom else have we been talking?" "Good heavens." " Of Mr Jones, I thought." " How!" "Is it Mr Jones and not Mr Blifil who is the object of your affection?" "Mr Blifil?" "Sure, it is impossible you can be in earnest." "For if you are, I'm the most miserable woman alive." "And is it possible you can think of disgracing your family by allying yourself to a bastard?" "Can the blood of the Westerns submit to such contamination?" "If you have not sense sufficient to restrain such monstrous inclinations," "I should have thought at least the pride o four family would have prevented you from giving the least encouragement ta so grovelling an affection." "Much less did I imagine you would ever have the assurance to own it to my face." "Madam, what I have said you have extorted from me." "Whatever my thoughts of that poor, unhappy young man," "I had intended to have carried them with me to my grave." "And I would rather follow you there than see you disgrace yourself and your family by such a match." "A family so noted for the prudence of its women." "Madam, I beg you only to conceal from my father what you have drawn from me." "I can truly say I have no delight equal to that of contributing to my father's happiness, but nothing will ever induce me to do anything which might offend him." "On one consideration only will I keep this secret from my brother." "And that is that you promise to entertain Mr Blifil this afternoon as your lover, and to regard him as the man who is to be your husband." "I assure you, Sophia, the match is entirely agreed upon." "Have you thought much on the subject of matrimony, Nephew?" "No, not so very much, Uncle, until this recent most felicitous proposition." "But I am so sensible of your friendly and fatherly care that I shall in all things submit myself to your pleasure." "How, sir?" "What means this cold answer?" "Have you no feelings for Miss Western?" "I tell you, sir, I've always thought love to be the only foundation of happiness in the married state." "Oh, indeed, Uncle." "And in my opinion, all those marriages which are contracted from other motives are greatly criminal and generally end in misery." "I assure you, sir, far from having any objections to Miss Western," "I have that esteem for her which I have read in sober and virtuous minds is the sure foundation of friendship and love." "Indeed, sir, I foresee great happiness arising to all parties by so proper and desirable a union." "By the way, sir, the attorney that brought the news of your mother's passing, was there no message at the last?" "No letter or communication, perhaps?" "Letter, sir?" "No." "Nothing, sir." "Oh." "The Lord's will be done." "I shall soon have quite enough of your company, madam." "Tom!" "You jolly dog." "Come, share the bottle." "I have tidings that will gladden your heart." "What signifies Your Ladyship having so great a fortune if you cannot please yourself with the man you find most handsomest?" "I don't pretend to give Your Ladyship advice, but no man in England should marry me against my consent to Mr Blifil." "And shame on your father, for you will go to bed with Mr Blifil and not him." "I say nothing, but 'tis a pity that some folks were not better born." "What do you mean running on in this manner to me?" "Have I ever given encouragement for such liberties?" "Nay, but..." "Now, come, come, come, come." "None of your maidenish airs." "You young girls, you never know what you be at." "You cry because I want to marry you off to the man that you're in love with?" "Your mother, I remember, whimpered and whined in just the same manner, but it was all over 24 hours after we were married." "Come, my little darling." "You may choose what clothes and jewels you please." "Oh, Sophy, I have no use for my fortune other than to make thee happy." "My little dove, my only joy on earth." "And is it possible my papa can be so good as to place all his joy in his Sophy's happiness?" "Oh, damn me, my little darling." "Come to Papa." "Come on." "Come on." "Oh, my little baba." "My little baba." "Then I beg you not to make me the most miserable creature on earth by forcing me to marry a man I detest." "How?" "Oh, sir, not only your poor Sophy's happiness but her very life, her being depends upon your granting her request." "I cannot live with Mr Blifil." "To force me into this marriage would be killing me." " You can't live with Mr Blifil?" " No." "Upon my soul, I can't." "Oh, sir, take pity on me, please." "I beg you." "Would the best of fathers break my heart?" "Would he kill me by the most painful, cruel, lingering death?" "Kill you indeed." "Will marriage kill you?" "Oh, sir, such a marriage is worse than death!" "I hate and despise him!" "Then die and be damned." "I am resolved an this match." "Unless you consent to it, I will not give you a groat." "Not a single farthing." "No!" "Though I found you expiring of famine in the street," "I would not relieve you with a morsel of bread!" "And this is my final resolution." "I leave you to consider on it." "Tom!" "Tom!" "Tom." "Sophy." "Tom." " I will be ruined if we're found together now." " Your father himself sent me here." " My father sent you?" " To be an advocate for my odious rival." "We will never have my father's consent." "You know his intentions." "I fear nothing but losing you." "Oh, Brother, you are the most perfect blockhead." "It is this very Mr Jones, whom you have sent to obtain your daughter's concurrence with your wishes, that is the reason she spurns the match in the first place." "He, and not Mr Blifil, is the object of her affection." "Jones!" "I will have satisfaction of thee!" "Tom, no!" "No!" "I'll have ye!" "Right!" "I'll have ye this time!" "We thank thee, O Lord, for the bounty thou has set before us." " Amen." " Amen." "You have done a fine piece of work." "You have brought up your bastard to a goodly purpose." "There's a fine kettle of fish up at our house." "What can be the matter, Mr Western?" "Oh, no idea of the matter, truly?" "Only that my daughter has fallen in love with your bastard, that's all." "I've always thought what'd come of breeding up a bastard for a gentleman and letting him come about folks' houses." "It's well for him I couldn't get to him." "I'd have licked him, I'd have spoilt his caterwauling," "I'd have taught the son of a whore to meddle with meat for his master." " I'm heartily sorry, sir." " Oh, pox on your sorrow, Allworthy." "It will do me abundance of good when I've lost my only child, my poor Sophy, the joy of my heart, and all the hope and comfort of my age." " Well, I'm..." " But I am resolved!" "I will turn her out of doors!" "She shall beg and starve and rot in the street." "Not a ha'penny, not a ha'penny shall she have of mine." "And that son of a bitch of yourn, I little thought what puss he was looking after." " But I am in amazement..." " Little did I think, when I used to love him as a son, but all the while he was a-poaching after my daughter." "But was it not possible that you never discerned any symptoms of love between them when you've seen them so often together?" "Never in my life." "What would you have me do, sir?" "Keep the rascal away from my house." "And I will go and lock up the wench." "I am resolved to make her marry Mr Blifil." "I will have no other son-in-law." "As for that son of a whore, Jones, if I catch him up at my house again, I'll qualify him to run for the geldings' plate." "Well, Nephew, what have you decided to do now?" "Reason bids me quit all thoughts of a woman who places her affections on another." "And yet my passion bids me hope she may, in time, change her inclinations in my favour." "And the determined resolution of Mr Western encourages me that should I be successful in my suit as a lover, I would promote the happiness of every party, not only that of Mr Western, for he will thus be preserved from the highest degree of misery," "but also that of his daughter." "For she would be married not only to a beggar, but one who will squander what little her father cannot withhold from her on that wench, Molly Seagrim, with whom I know he yet converses." "No." "Molly Seagrim?" "Nay, he is one of the worst men in the world." "And had you known, my dear uncle, what I have hitherto endeavoured to conceal..." "How?" "Has he done anything worse than what I already know?" "No." "It is now past and... perhaps he may have repented of it." "I command you, Nephew, on your duty, tell me what you mean!" "Well, sir... on the very day of you utmost danger, when myself and all the family were in tears," "he filled the house with riot and debauchery." "He drank and sang and roared, and when I gave him a gentle hint of the indecency of his actions, he fell into a violent passion, called me a rascal and struck me." "How!" "Did he dare to strike you?" "I have forgiven him that long ago." "He must certainly have been possessed with the Devil." "For later that very morning, as Mr Thwackum and myself were taking the air in the woods, and exulting in the first symptoms of your recovery, we saw him... engaged with a wench in a manner not fit to be mentioned." "On the day of my utmost danger?" "Every circumstance, sir, every circumstance I can confirm." "I should long since have informed you of these matters, had not Mr Blifil prevented me." "He is an excellent youth, though such forgiveness of enemies is carrying matters too far." "Mr Square." "I know not whether I should blame or applaud your goodness in concealing such villainy." "He's a monster." " Argh!" "Open the jewel cupboard." " No!" "Let go of me!" "There, do what I say!" "In you go!" "There, there, there, there you can straighten out." "You are safe, Daughter, and I am resolved to keep you so!" "Please, Papa." "Please!" "No!" "Please, Papa." "Oh, Mummy." "Oh, Mummy." "Oh, Papa." "My uncle has charged me with a message." "He bids me tell you your audacious attempt to steer away Miss Western is a base and barbarous action in his eyes and had you any consideration for his ease and honour, as well as his friendship, then you would not have thought of undertaking it." "You should have known, he says, his abhorrence for such behaviour." "He has forgiven you too often already in hopes of your amendment and is now quite resolved to banish you from his sight forever." "You are commanded to leave the house forthwith." "He has resolved from this day forward to converse with you no more on any account." "There are those who teach that vice is the certain road to misery in this world and virtue to happiness." "A very wholesome doctrine and one to which I have but one objection, namely, it is not true." "And if you believe that the Devil himself could contrive much greater torments than these for our unfortunate hero, then I regret to inform you that he had barely started with poor Mr Jones."