"The battle of the sexes." "In this timeless struggle for supremacy between Man and Woman," "Man had held his own until that fateful day in 1492 when Christopher Columbus discovered America." "Out of this New World emerged a New Woman destined to turn Man the Hunter" "into Man the Hunted." "Mr James Thurber, America's great chronicler of Man's losing battle, has warned us all." "We're living at a time when in the mothproof closet dwells the moth." "Well, I think that's all for today, gentlemen." "Irwin, must look smart, you know!" "If she does that to me once more I'm going to kill her!" "If we could only send her away to do an export survey." "Somewhere really wild, really remote." "I've got it!" "We've never had an export survey of Scotland." "Scotland?" "C.J. That's great." "Imagine, Scotland!" "Irwin Hoffman here can go with her." "You can't do that to me." "You can't do it." "C.J. I'll do anything." "You don't mean it, do you?" "You wouldn't do a thing like that to me, C.J." "We've been pals..." "So Destiny sent Mrs Barrows to carry the sex war into one of the last bastions of Man's supremacy," "Scotland..." "A Man's world." "A world in which the shortest skirts are worn by man." "A world in which even the Can-can is danced by Man." "This was to be the battleground." "Now every war produces its hero." "The man with that extra something that other men haven't got, the super-man." "Mr Martin may not be cast in the heroic mould, but he is a hero just the same." "Even buying this packet of cigarettes is an act of heroism." "Why?" "Mr Martin has never smoked a cigarette in his life." "The purchase of this good Scotch whisky too, is an act of valour, because Mr Martin has been a life-long abstainer." "Strange?" "It certainly is." "But perhaps we'd better begin at the beginning, in Scotland's capital city, Edinburgh." "NARRATOR." "Here, in this old family business of fine hand-woven tweed, the first faint rumbling was heard of distant battle." "Sorry, Mr Darling." "Something a little lighter in colour, madam?" "No, I mean..." "Lighter in weight." "This is heavy for California." "Have you got any wool mixed with nylon or synthetic fibre?" "Synthetic fibre?" "We've nothing to do with synthetic fibre here, sir." " Sorry." " Excuse me." " Yes, Darling?" " Message for Mr Martin, from himself." "You'll find him upstairs." "How is Mr MacPherson?" "Sinking fast, Mr Robertson." "It can't be long now." " Mr Meekie..." " Yes, Mr Martin?" "Could you try to find a quieter nib please?" "I'm sorry, Mr Martin." "Mr Martin, Andrew Darling to see you." "What is it Andrew?" "It's Mr MacPherson, sir." "I'm to take you there at once." " How is he?" " Very weak, the poor man." "Dear, dear, dear..." "I've heard the call, Martin." "The Great Weaver himself is waiting for me." "Och, there's plenty of life in you, Mr MacPherson." "I'm dying, Martin." "I shall be gone before my son comes home from America." " Will we telegraph him to hurry back?" " He's ill himself, poor laddie." "In quarantine with the mumps." "He never was strong, you know, Martin." "It's a pity I sent him to school in England." "Too soft." "Careering about Windsor in frock coats!" "I'm worried about him, Martin." "He's not ready to take on the responsibilities of a big business." "You'll have to help him." " I'll do my best, sir." " I'm sure you will." "You always have." "That's why I'm asking you." "Give me a drink." "Should you?" "The doctor said..." "That ignorant old fool!" "Give me a drink." "And have a dram yourself with a dying man." "If you will excuse me, Mr MacPherson." "You know, I never..." "I nearly had you, Martin." "I thought you might have given way to sentiment, but I should've known better." "Man is fallible, but Martin is not." "Put your dram in with mine and I'll drink for the two of us." "Here's to his memory." "There'll never be another like him." "The old..." "Ginger ale on a day like this." "Mr MacPherson on his death bed respected my principles." " Anyway, it's the same colour." " He was a great man." "And here's to the new Head of the House." "Mr Robert MacPherson." " Mr Robert!" " Heaven save us, what a come down!" "He may never be the man his father was, but he's a MacPherson for all that." "It's a pity he couldn't be here today." "It was bonny funeral." "His only bairn, not there to see his poor father buried." "Aye." "It cast quite a gloom over the whole proceedings." " I say, aren't you my chap?" " Not me." "I'm promised to another." "Irwin, for Heaven's sake!" "Where is your luggage?" " Back at the hotel." " But this train leaves in a minute." "That's what I figured." "You've got no time to get your luggage out." " Where have you been?" " Brushing up on my Scottish." " You brushed up on your scotch!" " This guy Burns, he's got something." "A man's a man for all that." "Excuse me." "Angie, you're on your own." " You're walking out on this trip?" " Honey, I'm running." " You wait till C.J. Hears about this." " He knows." "I've cabled him." ""Barrows takes the high road, stop." "I take the low road, stop." "And she'll be in Scotland way, way ahead of me."" "Great writer, that Rabbi Burns." "So long, Angie." "Damn it all, where's my compartment?" "You can't have reserved it in first class." " Of course I reserved it." " The train's leaving." "Where will I sleep?" "There's a vacant compartment here." "I reserved two, but I only need one now." "Are you sure?" "What a bit of luck for me." " Most frightfully kind of you." " Not at all." " My name's Angela Barrows." " Oh, yes." "I'm Robert MacPherson." "The House of MacPherson tweeds?" "Of course I've heard of them." " Do sit down." " Thank you." "So you're the Robert MacPherson." "You must have quite a business." "It's just an old family firm." "I love that British understatement." "I'm interested in all businesses." "I'm personal adviser to the President of a large American corporation." " I'm a business consultant." " You mean an efficiency expert?" "It's a little more than that." "We try to apply psychology to business." "Apply psychology to business..." "What will they think of next?" "You're certainly efficient." "First, my sleeper, now brandy." "What would I have done without you?" "Your staff certainly should've reserved you a compartment." "You ought to give them hell." "That is, you ought to put somebody on that little old carpet." "I'll do that." "Perhaps when you finish with your America you'll come and put my house in order." "I should certainly like to look over your business." " You would?" "It's a date." " I look forward to that." "My goodness, so shall I. I'll be saying goodnight." " And thank you, again." " Goodnight, Mr MacPherson." "I say, have you got anybody meeting you in Edinburgh?" " No." " Oh, good." "Tomorrow morning you must let me be your business efficiency expert." "You're very kind." "Sweet dreams." "Darling's been with us for ages." "He drove me to kindergarten." "Didn't you, Darling?" "My!" "When was that built?" "She was built in 1925, lady." "She's a beauty." "Aha!" "Beat you to it." "The George Hotel, and then the office." "Wait!" "Wait!" "Are those for me?" "Mr MacPherson, thank you." "My goodness, aren't they beautiful?" "Here is himself now." " It's himself." " It's himself, it's himself." "It's himself." "Mr Roberts!" "Mr Graham!" "Mr Robertson!" "It's himself." "It's himself." "Well, well, howdy folks!" " Welcome home, Mr MacPherson." " Thank you." "As they say in Texas, "It's sure good to be back"." "I've had a wonderful trip." "Yes, indeed a wonderful trip." "Most stimulating." "I've had a wonderful trip." "I'll have a little talk with you later." " He seems in wonderful spirits." " Aye." "What's wrong with him?" "He's a changed man right enough." "You know what he's brought back from America?" "A lady!" " A lady!" " Aye." "Arm in arm they were up the Waverley steps like two turtle doves." ""Wait" he said to me and he dashes off, buys all the flowers Old Annie had with her and throws them over this lady." "The poor man." "He doesn't know what he's doing in his grief." "Yeah, I couldn't have wished for anything better." "A man in business needs a woman in the home." "First a funeral, then a wedding, and then, who knows?" "That'll be himself." "What like is she, Andrew?" "An American." "Oh, well, thanks to the old Scottish settlers there are still some good families in America." " Jeannie, must we have that clatter?" " Sorry, sir." "It's the tray." "The cups dance on it as if doing a reel." "Try to keep them quiet." "The Heads of Department could open the list for the wedding present." "It might encourage the others." "He didn't actually say they were getting married, but he was quite poetic about her." "He said she was like a breath of the New World." "Honey, this place is just not for real." "Will that be herself?" "This is marvellous!" "It's like something out of Dickens." "Ought I to do it up?" "I could get a new desk." "No, it'd be a shame to touch it." "It's a museum piece." "But if we do it over, relax and leave everything to me." "A desk!" "No, you don't want a desk." "No big executive has a desk anymore." "That's..." "We've only Darling's word that they were like turtle doves." "That's for me." "Are you all right, Mr Robertson?" "You look as if you've had a shock." "Nonsense." "And this is Mr Martin." "He's been with the firm for 35 years." "That's right, isn't it, Martin?" "Next Michaelmas, sir." "How do you do?" ""Next Michaelmas" how quaint!" "Martin, I'm happy to tell you that I've persuaded Mrs Barrows..." "We already knew it, sir!" "We were already ahead of you." "May I offer you both my heartiest congratulations." "I was never married, but I know it's a great institution." "You wouldn't think that if you'd been married to my ex-husband." "He thinks we're going to be married." "Isn't that dreamy!" "Do pull yourself together, Martin." "What do you think I said?" "Mr MacPherson has invited me to join the firm." " Join the firm?" " That's right." "As an industrial consultant." "Will you look at his face?" "Haven't you ever seen a woman industrial consultant before?" "Don't you have women in your business?" "There's Jeannie MacDougall." " Oh?" " She makes tea and cleans the office." "Oh." "Quite a job!" "Yes." "A woman's work." "Mr Martin, you must join the 20th century." ""A woman's work."" "Yes, I knew you two would get on." "In the morning, take Mrs Barrows under your wing." "Show her the ropes." "Nobody knows the job better than Martin." " He holds all the purse strings." " Oh, I see." "You are in the catbird seat." "Baseball term." "Means sitting pretty." "Aye." "Don't be such a square, Martin." "So, this is the Accounts Department." "Don't get up, gentlemen." "The Accounts..." "My!" "This is quite a change from any filing system that I know." "I don't suppose you could really call it a system, but we do find what we want when it's needed." " This is I have to see!" " Certainly, yes." "Mr Meekie would you ask for something." " Ask for something?" " Aye, anything." " Can I have a cup of tea, please?" " No, no, Mr Meekie." "Ask me for an account." "A statement of the accounts as to the end of July last year?" "Aye, that should be a good one to demonstrate with." "Let us get the steps." "Mr McDonald, would you mind helping me across?" "We don't usually keep these over there, Mrs Barrows." "You'd never think this was a chair." "It's not, it's pair of steps." "Hold my legs, Mr Meekie." "Let me see now." "Here it is." "Here and there." "Ask me another, Mr Meekie." "A letter from the Scottish Weaver's Association asking us to participate in their exhibition last October." "Yes, that's a good one." "I'll just go and get it." "Yes, there were two letters." "This one thanked us for our co-operation." "It makes a lovely parlour game, but we can't run a business this way, can we?" "Must look smart!" "And how can you work in this atmosphere." "Don't you have air conditioners?" "No, at least you can use nature's air conditioners." "Mrs Barrows, we never open the windows." "Mrs Barrows, look what you've done!" "I'll tell you what I've done, I've got you a new filing system." "For Pete's sake shut it!" "Great balls of fire!" "Is that how you tackle the home market?" "I don't understand, Mrs Barrows." "You're selling to 20th century customers." "Your display figures must look like 20th century people." "That's psychology, Mr Robertson." "Who'd want to identify themselves with scarecrows like that?" "Now, this is the most important piece of furniture in the whole building." " Will you take a wee snifter?" " No, it's too early for me." "But you do keep a cosy little pub here." "You see, Mrs Barrows, our main export being to the Americas," "Mr MacLeod has to be hospitable to the buyers." "And naturally, no buyer likes to drink alone." "Aye, you' said it." "Changed your mind?" "Let's put it this way, Mr MacLeod, liquor and efficiency don't mix." "Oh, yes, but they do, Mrs..." "There's such a demand that buyers queue up for their quota." "Really?" "Then they should be buying you drinks." "You know, Mrs Barrows," "Mr MacLeod does sell all the tweed we can produce for the..." "Your loyalty is very touching, Mr Martin." "Some accountants would say there's no need for an Export Manager." "Not when the stuff sells itself." "But don't worry your little head about that." "I've solved Mr MacLeod's problem." "We'll step up production." "Increase production by a thousand per cent?" " I'm afraid, Mrs Barrows..." " You're afraid, but I'm not." "There's a limit to how much handmade tweed we can get from the weavers that comes up to our high standards." "I've heard that kind of talk before, Mr Graham." "Where's your factory?" " Factory?" " Yes, where the tweed is woven." "You see, Mrs Barrows, it's not exactly a factory." "Let's not mince words, I don't care what you call it here." "Where's the stuff made?" "I want to see." " It's made in the Hebrides." " The what?" "Never mind, that's where we're going." "In the Hebrides." "I'm off there next week to pay the weavers their advance money." " Advance money?" " Yes, they have three months pay in advance." "Three months in advance?" "No wonder you don't get productivity." " How do other factory workers manage?" " These are not factory workers." "I have news for you." "From now on they are." "And they clock in like factory workers." "Do you have time clocks?" "I thought as much." "Order them." "Pronto." " For each of them?" " Every man jack of them." "Yes, Mrs Barrows." "Three months in advance!" "It looks like I got here just in time." "Oh, brother!" "What a location for a factory." "Was there nowhere nearer?" "It wouldn't be easy to move the weavers." "They've been making tweed here for hundreds of years." "They still make it in much the same way." " Mr Martin, you don't surprise me." " It's less primitive nowadays." "How primitive can you get?" "Oh!" "Just get that picture." "Isn't that something?" "Don't bother to stop on my account." "I've got no time to be a tourist." "Let's press on to the tweed business." " This is it." " What is it?" "Jock and Chrissie McNeil here are two of our best weavers." " You mean, this is all there's to it?" " No." "We've about 700 of them, scattered all over the island." " Are they all that old?" " No, no we've got some..." "I suppose there's no production that can't be rationalized." " I beg your pardon." " Time and motion study, of course." "Though how that could be applied here, I don't quite see." "We've plenty of time here, but there's not a great deal of motion." "Come, Rip van Winkle, don't tell me you've never heard of mechanisation?" "I suppose it doesn't matter as long as Mr MacPherson has." "Just wait till I hit him with my plan for centralising the weaving." "Well, you go..." "Must look smart, you know." "Now go off, do whatever you have to do, and then let's get the hell out of here." " The windows, are they real glass?" " Perspex." "I could get a torch bulb and run it off a battery at the back." "They'd light up and look wonderful in a dark room." "Yes, I'm sure they would, Robert, but what do you think of my project?" "It's bold, isn't it?" "It's very bold." "I'll give you that." "Mind you, it's a break." "The biggest you've ever had in your life and the best." " I mean, it's a break with tradition." " And how!" "You're the head of this house now." "You must create tradition, as your father and grandfather did." "Yes." "I must say, it's beautifully made." "In years to come, people will say Robert MacPherson began it." "Encyclopaedias will talk of the MacPherson method for the manufacture of tweed." "I say, you don't think..." "Encyclopaedias!" "I shall have to talk it over with the boys." "Try it out." "Talk it over with Martin, that's the one." " Try it on the dog." " Don't let them talk you out of it." "Remember you're top dog." "This is a big step, Robert, but we'll take it together." "Robert, I wish you wouldn't think of me as a woman." " What?" " I'm your business partner." "Now, I've got a lot to do and so have you." "Encyclopaedias!" "Hello, this is Mr Martin here." "Is that you, Martin?" "Speak up, I can't hear you." "What's that noise?" "I'm sorry, Mr MacPherson." "Excuse me, sir." "Switch it off, Meekie!" "Switch it off." "Sorry, excuse me, Mr MacPherson." "It's your repeater key." "It's jammed." " Switch it off, Mr Meekie." " Hello?" " Shall I hit it with this?" " No, no!" "Come to my office straight away." "I'll come over right away, Mr MacPherson." "There's no reason to shout, I'm not deaf." "I'm very sorry, sir." "Just a minute." "Don't come in till I say." "Come in now!" "Martin, over here." "What do you think of it?" "Good effect, eh?" "Yes, it's very nice, sir." " Is it for an advertisement?" " You'll be surprised." "It's a model of the new factory" "Mrs Barrows wants me to build for the House of MacPherson." "Centralize all the weaving." "What do you think of that?" " You can't mean it, Mr MacPherson." " Well, I don't know." "What do you think?" "Do I like it, or don't I?" "It's not for me to say, sir." "What would your father have said?" "I don't know." "Father said such a lot." "We can't dwell in the past, we've got to move into the 20th century." "Encyclopaedias of the future may talk of the MacPherson new method of tweed manufacture." "I ought to get some miniature cars for the entrance." "They'd look absolutely marvellous." "If there's anything else, sir..." "No, I don't think so." "Think it over." "Some of Mrs Barrows' ideas need seasoning like timber." "How do you like the way she's done up the office?" "It's quite unusual, sir." "I'm keen on my "squawk box." That's what they call them in the States." "Do you know how old this is?" "Before Columbus discovered America." "They didn't wear tweeds in those days!" "And she said your father's ornaments were old-fashioned." "MacPherson, here." "Robert, it's me." "I've been thinking about my project." "Maybe you shouldn't mention it to those old fossils you've got..." "I'm in a meeting, Mrs Barrows." "I'll call you back." "Don't bother." "That's all I wanted to say." "They just wouldn't dig it." "Very amusing, the way she puts things." "Very American." "She wasn't referring to you." " Well, think it over, Martin." " Yes, sir." "Oh, look at that." "I'm terribly sorry, Mr MacPherson, only the wire's not usually there." " Mrs Barrows thought highly of this." " I'll tell her that I did it." "No." "I'll say it was my fault, it was an accident." "Perhaps we shouldn't mention it at all." "Maybe she won't notice." " Martin, that'll be all, thank you." " I was putting it..." "I'm very sorry, Mr MacPherson." " Good night, Angus." " Good night, Mr Martin." "Oh, Angus, you better have a look at the upstairs windows." "Mrs Barrows is inclined to leave them open." "I'll see to it right away." "The insurance company don't share her enthusiasm for fresh air." "Come on, get those hands up!" "Better come quietly." "Look at those figures." "If we go on like this, the firm will be ruined." "Salaries and wages are up 300 per cent!" "Look at this!" "Office tea and biscuits for one month, nearly 250 pounds." "If you'd smothered biscuits with caviar it couldn't have come to that." "How did you get these figures?" "Has your Department gone mad?" "I'd like to point out, Mr MacPherson, that these are the figures that I gave to Mr Meekie and he arrived at these totals on the new electric adding machine." "Meekie, come into my office, please." " This is MacLeod here, sir." " I want to talk to Meekie." " I expect he's in his own office." " I'm talking to his office." " This is my office, sir." " No, it's not!" " Are you sure?" " Positive." "Nonsense." "He's in Meekie's office and doesn't realize it." "I'll see if he's in Mr Graham's." " Yes, sir." " Is that you, Graham?" "No, sir, this is Jock Munro at the front." " Is Mr Graham with you?" " No, sir, there's only myself and Jock MacDonald." " Who's Jock MacDonald?" " The new lorry driver." "What's Jock MacDonald doing in Mr Graham's?" "Never mind, I don't want to talk to him." "I think you'll find that Mr Graham is in the showroom, sir." "Just allow me to press that button there." " Graham speaking." " There you are." "I've been looking..." "What are you doing in the showroom?" "I'm not in the showroom, sir." "I'm with Mr Meekie." "Meekie, that's who I'm looking for!" "Are you in Mr MacLeod's office?" "No, sir." "I'm in Mr Martin's office." "Stay where you are and I'll come and find you." "What's the matter with them?" "Nobody knows where they are." "The boys are finding it a little bit difficult to get used to, but once they understand the working, it'll be all right." "Don't be such a stick in the mud." "It's perfectly simple." "A child could use it." "Jeannie, you old witch, where's my tea?" "I had a bit of a rough night last night and I've got tongue you could roast chestnuts on." "MacLeod, spare us your symptoms and take an aspirin!" "Where was I?" "Mr MacLeod, it's no use your nagging me." "I've only got two hands and I'm not supposed to bring tea till 11." "And if you were to ask me, you'd be better off with a purge." "Mrs MacDougall, show more respect for the heads of the departments." " Mr MacPherson!" " That's me." "Come along, let's get out of here before there's any more of this..." "Don't be absurd, Martin." "Adding machines don't make mistakes." "That's the whole point." "What's happening in here?" "Are they having a picnic?" "They're trying to sort out last month's figures to compare them." "We've been at it since ten o'clock." "This new filing system takes a little bit of getting used to, but, as you said yourself, Mrs Barrows ideas do need seasoning." "Quite right." "Where's the adding machine?" " It's over here." " Here?" "It's jolly compact, isn't it?" " How does it work?" " Just add anything you like together." "Say, two and two." "Now you press that." " Oh, I say, that's jolly good." " Yes, sir, but it says, "22."" "Two and two do make "22" in a way." " It's got a sort of logic of its own." " You might say that, but it doesn't help with the salaries and wages total for the month." "You've got a point." "Perhaps, that was a bit too simple for it." "Let's give it something it can get its teeth into." "Give me a number." "142 pounds 15 and 9." "Divided by 3 pounds, 7 and 6 pence." "There we go." "Somebody has been tampering with it." "None of us here have anything to do with machinery." "Find somebody who does and tell Mrs Barrows." " Meanwhile, back to your old system." " Just as you say." " Yes." " Is that you, Robbie?" "Just testing this infernal box." "Every time I try and get Jeannie, I get puffing Billy..." "Get that out of here!" "Tell MacLeod to come to my office right away!" "You can get him by buzzing the back gate." "Mr Martin, we can't seem to find last month's figures anywhere." "Oh, well, don't worry, no doubt they'll turn up later." " Mr MacPherson seemed a bit upset." " Aye." "Martin!" " Martin!" " Robert, don't shout." "You'll burst a blood vessel." "Use the intercom." "It's no damn good." "Martin!" "Martin!" " Were you calling me?" " What's the meaning of all this?" "Put it on top of that one." "I see, they've arrived, sir." "I didn't tell them to unpack the whole lot." "I thought, maybe you'd like to see just the one." " But how many of these are there?" " There's 307, sir." "I took the liberty of cutting the order down." " Down?" " Yes, you see, sir," "Mrs Barrows' instructions were for 607, one for each weaver, but I thought we'd save money and get one for each croft." "Would you mind holding that so that Mr MacPherson can view it?" "That's the utility model." "I suppose, I should've consulted you, but I'm sure you wouldn't mind, after all, it's quite a saving." "Mrs Barrows, did you instruct him to order these infernal machines?" "No!" "Well, yes, in a way, I suppose..." "I meant, one clock, Mr Martin, one." "Really, I don't dig how you..." "If we go on like this the only thing we'll dig is our own graves." "I'm not a bottomless well." "We haven't money to throw around." " What am I to do with all these?" " Don't worry, it could be arranged." " Really, Martin?" " Yes." "That's settled then." "Those are my instructions." "I want everybody to get this clear in my mind." "I mean, your minds." "Mr Martin will see what can be arranged." "I want all these clocks removed." "I won't pay, even if they sue me!" "They can't sue me." "It won't come to that, you won't let it?" " Don't worry about that." " I think I want an aspirin." "Or do I?" "Yes, I'm sure I do." "This is all your fault!" "Weave yourself something out of that." " You're a canny man, Mr Martin." " Aye." "All right, boys, back to the warehouse." "It's no use making excuses for me Robert, I've flopped." "I know when to quit." "I'll go back home." "I guess you could say I've met my Waterloo." "You mustn't think of going back to America." "It's only business, after all, we all make mistakes in business." "I wish you wouldn't think of me as just a business partner." "I am a woman, too." " Do you want to know something?" " Oh, yes." " No, no, I better not say it." " Come on, out with it." " It's nothing, I was going to say..." " Yes, yes?" "The only thing I'll miss in this dump is you." "No, you mustn't think of missing me." "You mustn't think of going back." "I'm not rich, but if I could pay you something against the loss, the costs..." "What costs?" "Well, all the money you're losing on my account." "Those squawk boxes, I haven't dared to tell you what they cost." " Now they're all going back." " Who said they were going back?" "Did I say so?" "But I didn't mean it." " And the adding machines?" " They stay here." "I'll stop that at once." "I'm very fond of the adding machines." " Then you don't think I am a flop?" " Oh, my dear." "Oh, Robert." "Don't look at me." "I'll be all right, it's just that I'm so happy." "You mustn't upset yourself." "What you need is a good rest." "I tell you what, I'll drive you home." "No, I insist." "Now, then." "I don't care who you are or where you are, find Andrew Darling and get him to bring my car to the front door." " Andrew Darling speaking, sir." " Very well then, get it." "You're sure you don't mind me going on talking about this." " I'm not interfering, am I?" " My dear, it's your job to interfere." "All right, then I'll give it to you straight from the shoulder." "Honestly, there's nothing wrong with my improvements." "It's those old gremlins you've got working them." "If you're as smart as I think, you'll get rid of them." " Get rid of them?" " Every man." "You can't have them and progress." "As for those weavers, they can draw their pensions and take to the caves." " That's how much you need them." " But who'd make the cloth?" "Join the 20th century, Robert." "Stop making cloth for the privileged few, make cloth for the millions." "Build a factory of today, to make the cloth of today." "Synthetic fibre." " Are you all right, darling?" " Yes, sir." " Not you, you great oaf!" " Dozy, oaf." "It's time you got rid of him, too, and this old crate." "Robert, you could have the whole industry by its ears." "I've got the slogan for you too," ""MacPherson's fibres what you need, better far than handmade tweed."" " May I trouble you for you name, sir?" " Robert MacPherson." " Would that be MacPherson's tweeds?" " Synthetic fibre." "Synthetic fibre?" " What do you think you're doing?" " How about one for the road?" "Put your head under a cold tap." "If Mr MacPherson's sees you like that, you'll get fired." "I have been fired." "Aye, and you'd better look out for yourself." "You're a gremlin, that's what she said." " Who says?" " Mrs bluthering Barrows." "You should hear what she's going to do with the house of MacPherson." "Here..." "What's a gremlin?" " You'd better go and see Mr Roberts." " Come on." "Robbie, he's a gremlin." "Will you please stop calling me a gremlin?" "Can you be sure Mr MacPherson agreed with Mrs Barrows?" "Aye." "Wasn't he agreeing to everything she said, even to building a new factory." "New factory?" " Does Mr Martin know about this?" " No." "He doesn't even know he's a gremlin." " There was some talk of a factory." " Aye, and there's more than talk." "The weavers will be evicted from their crofts." "You're talking nonsense." "Why should they be?" "Why?" "I'll tell you why." "So they can get their old age pensions and live in the caves." " You're drunk, Andrew Darling." " He's only just discovered it." "But what can it mean?" "They surely won't stop the weaving." "Stop the weaving?" "They'll make cloths for the million, her and Mr MacPherson." " MacPherson's fibres..." " Fibres!" "Synthetic fibres." " Mr Graham!" " Who's drunk now?" "Come to the chair." "You'll be all right." "MacPherson's fibres what you..." "There goes Darling." "He's better off lying down." "All this stupid talk about the synthetic fibres." "I think I'll sit down." "Mrs Barrows should never have been allowed near." " It was such a terrible error." " Ah, a terrible error..." "No good speaking about her as if she was an entry in Martin's books." "An entry can be rubbed out, can't it, Martin?" "Oh, aye, aye." "Aye, you could rub out an error." " Regarding the matter of..." " Yes, the matter of what?" "Of synthetic fibre." "We were thinking that, perhaps, it might be an error." "You could always rub out..." "What was that, Martin?" " Nothing, sir." "I was just thinking." " Quite right, Martin." "Mrs Barrows says we must all put our thinking caps on." "She regards herself in this business as a baffle or sounding board, against which members of the staff must be free to bounce as often as they please." "You are surprised, but the killer was not." "He had studied his victim, he knew she was a drug addict." "He knew that by the time he entered her house she'd be what our American cousins would call "cooked to the gills."" ""Cooked to the gills"?" " But where does that lead us?" " There were no prints in the house, other than those of the dead woman." "Obviously, the killer never removed his gloves." "Gloves..." "He never removed the gloves." "Gloves..." "Naturally, the killer wouldn't risk the purchase of so obvious weapon." "The knife which dealt the mortal blow belonged to the woman herself." "Amazing." "How can we ever hope to catch such a calculating rascal?" "My dear friend, can you not see for yourself?" "The presence of the whisky glass and the pipe points to the intruder being none other than Elias Lindstrom." "Elias Lindstrom." "You said yourself, he neither smoked nor drank." "Neither smoked nor drank." "He brought a pipe into that woman's house and poured a drink." "Perfect, perfect." "Excuse me." "He was certain that he'd be the last person to be suspected." "Well done, well done." "It's very well done, very well done." " Yes, sir." " Serve your customer first." "We're just having a crack." "What would you like?" " Some cigarettes, please." " What kind?" "Any kind." " Those red ones." "I always have those." " Filter tips." "No, just the cigarettes, please." "How much is that?" "You better try these." "That's 3 and 11." "3 and 11..." "Cheap at half the price." "But which brand of whisky, sir?" "We have them all." " I'd better have a flat bottle." " Flat bottle?" "Yes, I always have a flat bottle because it goes in my pocket here." "It fits in there, you see." "Aye, well, try this one for size." "It's quite a new brand, "Kill Willy"." ""Kill Willy?" No, no, I don't like the name." " But it's a good fit and blend." " No, I don't like the name." "I'd like a different name with another bottle." "Well, now, how about this?" ""Old Acquaintance."" "That'll do fine." "I'll have that." "Try that in there." "How much do I owe you?" " 19 and 9, sir." " Oh, well, keep the change and have a drink on me." "And how are you today, Mrs Barrows?" "And how are you today?" "And how, and how..." "And how are you today, Mrs Barrows?" " Oh, it's Mrs Barrows." " Yes." " And how are you today?" " Well, I'm just fine." " How are you, Mr Martin?" " I can't complain." "Have you noticed the evenings are getting longer?" "That tends to happen this time of year." "It's a problem to know what to do with them." " I usually stay at home." " I can't say I blame you." "If there's any nightlife in this dump, I haven't found it yet." "Still, it's nice to stay at home and entertain your friends." "I suppose, you see a lot of people in the evening." "Yes, sometimes." "Excuse me, I must get on." "Yes, and do you ever spend an evening by yourself at home?" "Yes, sometimes." "I'll be seeing you." "It never works out how you plan it." ""How are you today, Mrs Barrows?"" " "I'm fine." "How are you?" - "Oh, not bad."" "Will I see you later in my apartment?" "I'd better go home, and try and kill my wretched cold." "That may be wise." "If you change your mind, give 3 rings." "I won't come to answer the door unless I know it's you." "Good night, Robert." "Good night, Mr Meekie!" "I'm sorry, sir." "I didn't realise there was anybody still here." "I didn't hear a sound and I thought they'd all gone." "This is the McTeith file, I thought I'd leave it on your table." " Everything under control?" " Yes, thank you." " Are you feeling all right?" " Why do you ask that?" "I don't know, it's probably the light, but you did seem to have a strange pallor." "I think it's the light." "Goodnight." "Martin, as a matter of fact I wasn't feeling very well." " Do you think I should see a doctor?" " I wouldn't do that." "The poor men have got their hands full with this diphtheria epidemic." "Diphtheria epidemic?" "Yes, sir, there's a lot of it about." " Well, good night." " Just a moment, please." "What are the symptoms?" "Well, sir, I do understand from some people that... those who have it complain of a dryness of the throat and the emotion of the legs." "They don't know they've got it and insist on gadding about, and if they only knew the truth, they're a few hours from the grave." "Good night." "Robert, dear, are you feeling any bet..." "For Pete's sake, what are you doing here?" "I want to talk to you." " I've got a message." " From whom?" "From somebody you were expecting." "Can we go up?" " Hi, there." " Good evening, how are you?" " Just fine and how are you?" " Fine, thanks." "Just letting Sally take me for a walk." " Good night." " Have a nice walk." "Oh, this is Mr..." "Good night." "What are you up to?" "I didn't want you to mention my name." " Why not?" "What's the matter with it?" " No, no." "I was thinking of your reputation." "What would they think, inviting men into your flat?" "Nobody's invited you." "However, what's the message?" "Mr MacPherson, he asked me to tell you something, but I can't remember what it was." "Well, I'll be..." "Hey, is something wrong with you?" "Yes, I've got a bit of a chill." "I'll be all right presently." "I'll get you something for that." "And please try to remember what the message was." "A little nip will do you good, but I forgot..." "You do drink!" "Yes, I never go anywhere without a bottle." "Well, what do you know..." " Would you like to have a cigarette?" " No, I smoke only filter tips." "That's handy." "Look, Mr Martin, I don't get this." "What's the message you had for me?" "It was Mr MacPherson, he said that he was feeling poorly and that he wouldn't be around to see you, but he'd go straight home to bed." "And he sent you around here to tell me that?" "Come off it, what is this?" "You live by yourself, don't you?" "Gets lonely sometimes, I expect." "I believe you came around here just to see me, isn't that it?" "Yes." "That is just how it was." "That's why you asked me what I did with my evenings." "I think that's real cute." "Now that you're here, you might as well have a drink." "No, I can't have you drinking your liquor in my house." " You must drink mine." " You must drink mine." "What's so special about it?" "Is it poisoned?" "No, no." "It was just a joke." "Make yourself comfortable, take your hat off." "I never take my hat off in the house." "All right, you sit there and I'll bring you a drink." "What are you doing out there?" "Breaking up the house?" "Come in and help me." "Coming!" "Samson!" "Come here." "Will you get that bottle of whisky down?" "Thank you." "I put it out of reach of the cleaners." "You know what they are." "I don't think they mean to steal, but when they see it, the temptation is too great." "Now, let me see." "There we are." "Thank you." "Would you get some ice out of the fridge?" "Yes." "Yes." "Here, you need this." "Those trays get stuck, just stab that underneath and they'll come loose." "What are you waiting for?" "Start stabbing." "How are you getting on?" "Coming out?" " Yes." " There's my little boy scout." "Thank you." "And this." "That's right." "That goes in here." "So you're a secret drinker, eh?" "Well, well." "Still Waters, that's your name from now on." "Say, "when."" " Don't you ever say "when"?" " Now." "Say, you weren't kidding when you said that about drinking." "Come on, Still Waters." "Come on, Still Waters." "No secret drinking in this house." "Bring it in here." "I was trying to." "I'll just get my drink and follow you right in." "Sit down and relax, and take that coat off, you must be hot." "I'll be right back." "Robert, if the thermometer says you're normal, I expect you are." " Are you coming here?" " I don't like to risk it." "The doctor has just been." "He didn't know much, he didn't think it was diphtheria." "Diphtheria!" "Robert, you're imagining things." "Get into that old car of yours and come around." "I don't really like to, it's been rather a shock." "Yes, of course, it was a shock, I'm sorry you can't come." "I had a surprise for you." "A gentleman visitor." "However, you stay where you are if you're feeling groggy." "I expect you've been working too hard." "He's a bit late, isn't he?" "What are you doing?" "Oh, steady, boy." "Don't go falling out." "Now, come and sit down and tell me all your problems." "There's a cat stranded on the ledge." "Yes, that's his worry, not yours." "Puss, pussy puss, come on." "For heaven's sake, where is the silly animal?" "I'll get rid of it." "It's just stranded on the ledge down there." " Where?" "I don't see any cat." " On the left." "You'll need to get up on to the ledge to see it." "There's nothing down there." " I'll hold on to your legs." " Where's the cat?" " Pussy!" " Do you see it?" "No, I can't see any cat." "You will do now." "...the Lord God made them all." "Each little flower that opens, each little bird that sings, he made their glowing colours, he made their tiny wings" "You must've had a few before you came, there's no cat there." "Hey, where are you going?" "I'm very sorry." "I've made the most terrible mistake." "You see, when I came here tonight," "I meant..." "I know what you meant, you silly boy." "I'm not offended." "Come on, here come on, and finish your drink." "Well, well, Mr Martin, drinking, smoking, and being a lady killer." "What would they think at the office if I told them?" " I don't think they'd believe you." " You're right." "They'd think I was imagining things, like you seeing that cat." "They'd think I was out of my mind." "Yes, they would think that you were out of your mind." "Little men in white coats would come for me." "I'd be put away." "You never fooled me for a minute." "There's no such thing as a man with no vices." " Do take off your gloves." " No." "Really, you are..." " I'm going to drink a toast." " A toast?" "Aye, a toast." "Damnation to that fat, overfed buzzard, puffing Billy Bunter." "Who?" " Wee MacPherson." " Are you speaking of Robert?" "Really, Mr Martin!" "I'm preparing a bomb that'll blow that fat fool sky high." "You are drunk, you'd better go." "If Mr MacPherson could hear you." "There are ways of shutting a man's mouth." " Have you gone mad?" " No, not mad, doped." " Doped?" " Aye." "I'm a drug addict." "I'm going to murder that fellow and when I do," "I'll be doped to the gills with coke." "And then we'll have the house of MacPherson, you and I together." "We'll have each other." "You come here, you little nugget." "My God, you're crazy." "Robert!" "Help!" "Robert!" "Quick, Robert, hurry!" "Robert!" " I rang the right bell that time." " I'm glad you've come." "He's upstairs, he's drunk, he's going to kill you." " Who's going to kill me?" " Mr Martin." " Martin?" "No." " He's drunk." " Hurry, there's no time to lose." " Don't push me." " Where?" " He's hiding." "I'll suss him out." " I can't imagine it." " He was normal, and then suddenly..." "I even trusted him with a carving knife." "In the bedroom." " What was he doing with a knife?" " Forget the knife, and find him." "He must be here." "He's behind..." "Mr Martin..." " He's in the cupboard." " I don't understand." " What's he doing hiding?" " Never mind what, he's there." "This and this..." "Angela..." "The bed..." "He's under the bed." " Angela, this is so undignified." " Are you afraid?" "Certainly not." "See for yourself, there's nothing there." "The cupboard." " Now, come out, you son of a..." " Oh, dear!" "You're so helpless." "If only there were a man here." "Quite right." "Yes, I quite understand." "I hope you didn't mind my ringing you, doctor." "Oh, yes, most distressing." "We employers have a personal responsibility for our staff." "Thank you, thank you." "This is Mr Martin speaking." "Martin, step into my office, right away, will you?" "Yes, Mr MacPherson, straight away." " Have you fired him yet?" " Please, he's on his way over here." " Have you notified the police?" " The police?" "We don't want to get involved with them, do we?" " Then we must send for a doctor." " I have done, he's standing by." "That'll be Martin now." "Stay where you are, Martin!" " He mustn't see you." "This way." " I shall be listening." "Don't let that zombie fool you!" "Remember, he must be put away." "It's you, Martin." "Come in." " Good morning, sir." " Good morning, Martin." "Won't you sit down over here?" " Feeling better this morning?" " Yes, thank you." "I'm..." "I'm quite recovered." "Oh, you know that I never smoke." "How stupid." "After all these years I ought to have remembered that." " How many years is it?" " It's 35 next Michaelmas day." "During that time you've never smoked or had a drink?" "You're late father, on his death bed offered me a dram, but I had to refuse it." "So last night, if you had had a drink and a cigarette, that would've been for the first time?" "It would've been, sir, yes." "Last night when you went to Mrs Barrows apartment it was to deliver my message, wasn't it?" " Your message, sir?" " About my cold." "I'm afraid I don't understand you." "No, I didn't suppose you would." "All right, Martin, you can go." " Oh, no you can't!" "You'll tell..." " Please, leave this to me..." "Mrs Barrows has been working too hard lately and she thinks you went to her flat and behaved in a disgraceful manner." " If there's something..." " No, you may go." "Oh, you lying rat!" "You tell him what you did last night!" "He was drinking, he had his own bottle, drinking and smoking." " He's own cigarettes." " Quite impossible." "All the cigarette ends had lipstick on, as did the only glass there." " Thank you very much, Martin." " Ask Mr White." "He saw him." " Who's Mr White?" " The blind man." " What?" " He would've seen him." " He's dog sniffed his trousers." " I have no dog, sir." "Mr White's dog!" "Don't listen to him, Robert." " Martin was seen by a blind dog?" " No!" "Listen to me, Robert." "Last night he was drinking some scotch called "Old Acquaintance"." "He had his gloves on and when you came in, he was making a pass at me." "Making a pass with his gloves on?" "How can you be so stupid?" "He's going to murder you." "He's going to take over the House of MacPherson." "He's going to get cooked to the gills and kill you." " McLeod, here at once, help!" " You don't believe me." "How stupid can you be?" "If you weren't such a drab little man, I'd think you'd planned this." "How can you believe him?" "You're mad, you're crazy." "Crazy!" " Bagpipes!" " I beg you to control yourself." "You're overwrought." "I've discussed your condition with the doctor, he tells me such breakdowns are common with women who undertake the burdens of business life." "I'll give you business life!" "I'll give you..." "I shall defend myself." "Well done, everybody." "Will you see that she's escorted safely home?" "Put me down!" "I've never been treated like this before." "You'll regret this, Robert!" "Wait until I get my lawyer on this!" "Help!" "Somebody please, help!" "I'm sorry this had to happen." "Most distressing." "Most distressing for all concerned." "I'm afraid Mrs Barrows usefulness in this office is at an end." "I hope you'll dismiss the whole thing from your mind." "I will, thank you." "Answer it." "I don't feel at all well." "Hello, this is Mr MacPherson's office speaking." "Who is that, please?" "Would you mind remaining connected for a moment?" "Mr MacPherson, it's the editor of the Scottish Daily Chronicle." " He'd like to have a word with you." " I suppose we must carry on." "Men must work while women must weep." "Hello, MacPherson here." "Who said I was going in for synthetic fibre?" "Why should I?" "Just answer me that." "Nothing but a damn silly rumour." "You can take the facts from me, I am in the..." " Where am I?" " The catbird seat, sir." "I'm the catbird seat." "I don't know where it is either, but that's what I'm in." "Thank you, Martin." "That'll be all." "Thank you, sir." "Och, it's you." "Here, there's no need to use violence." "There's many a battle been won without even striking a blow." "What did I give you?" "It's all right." "The battle of the sexes and never a ceasefire." "Mr Martin hasn't reckoned with man's greatest hazard, a woman's tears." "Put it another way," "Mr Martin has won a battle, but has he won the war?" "Ah, well, that's the way it goes." "That's life." "Happy days, Mr Martin." "But watch out."