"Casey:" "Said Watters following the game," ""Ricky Watters isn't lugging the rock the way Ricky Watters is capable of lugging the rock. "" "Fill it." "Dan, do you think ther e's any chance" "Ricky Watters wasn't talking about himself in the third person, but rather was talking about someone else in the second person?" "Who did you have in mind?" "Oh, Ricky Watters, the rock lugger f rom Toledo." "[ Laughter ]" "Dynamite fill." "That will do it for us." "Get some r est." "You'r e gonna need it... 'cause we'r e coming back in 23 hours." "I'm Dan Rydell alongside Casey McCall." "You've been watching "Sports Night" on CSC." "" " We'll see you tomorrow." "" " Good night." "Dave:" "Music." "Will:" "Go." "" " Animation." "Chris:" "Go." "Kim:" "We're out." "Dana:" "Very nice." "" " Her name is Pixley." "" " Pixie?" "" " Pixley." "" " Spell it f or me." "P-l-X-L-E-Y." "I am going out tonight with a girl named Pixley." "Wher e did you meet her?" "Oh, she works in the building." "And what does Pixley do?" "I'm not 100%sur e." "" " She didn't tell you?" "" " She did tell me." "I just wasn't paying attention." "" " Good show." "" " Thanks." "" " Thank you." "You wer en't paying attention to Pixley?" "Ar e you just looking f or any r eason at all to say the name Pixley?" "It's starting to grow on me." "[ Sighs ] I cannot even begin to tell you how much" "I am not looking f orward to this." "I think you might have a good time with Pixley." "This isn't a pleasur e date I'm going on." "This is a r equir ement, like Home Ec." "" " You had to take Home Ec?" "" " Yeah." "Me too." "Did you learn anything?" "" " Now I can do this thing wher e you hollow out a grapef ruit." "" " I learned that." "Well, tonight the nonsense officially begins." "Well, f or most of us, the nonsense began a long time ago, so, you know, welcome to the world." "Six months on the Dana Whitaker dating program." "I don't think it's gonna be six months." "Oh, it's gonna be six months." "" " I don't think it is." "" " How long do you think it's going to be?" "" " One night." "" " You're wrong." "" " It's not gonna be six months." "" " Ah, Dana's pretty good at digging her heels in." "" " In f act, if you want to check my back..." "" " One night." "You'r e gonna go on one date." "Dana will get jealous, call the whole thing off." "No, Dana's not going to get jealous." "She will get jealous of Pixley." "Jealousy will r ear its ugly head." "It will not r ear its ugly head." "It will r ear its ugly head, it will look around, and then it will...eat Tokyo." "" " Hmm." "" " See?" "" " Yeah, I like the sound of that." "" " I like the sound of "Pixley."" "" " Can I ask you something?" "" " Sur e." "After you bungle this thing tonight and send Pixley stomping out of the r estaurant, do you have any problem with me giving her a call?" "I don't have any problem with you giving her a call right now." "Don't be rude to her." "Why would I be rude to her?" "" " It's what you do." "" " It's not what I do." "" " One mor e thing -- honesty." "" " What?" "" " What about it?" "" " Don't mislead her." "Be honest with her." "This Pixley's a good girl." "" " You've never met her." "" " I can tell already." "" " How?" "" " Her name's Pixley." "Danny, I'm going now." "" " On your date with Pixley?" "" " Yes." "" " Can I come?" "" " Good night." "Honesty f or Pixley!" "Yeah, yeah." "Casey's going out tonight with a girl named Pixley." "" " I know." "You know what I'm concerned about?" "" " You'r e concerned about Pixley." "I'm not concerned about Pixley." "You know what I'm concerned about?" "" " The dating plan blowing up in your f ace?" "" " Wher e ar e we right now?" "" " Natalie..." "" " New York City..." "the city of lights." "Paris is the city of lights." "We got a lot of lights, Dana." "Yes, but my point is that we'r e in the office, and this is wher e I like to talk about work." "" " You know what I'm concerned about?" "" " Tomorrow's rundown?" "" " I don't think ther e's gonna be enough show." "" " Tomorrow's a strange day." "The schedules ar e empty -- no pr ess conf er ences and no pr e-tape in the can." "Two hockey games." "That's all we've got." "We can always r erun tonight's show." "" " Natalie -- " " Then again, I suppose that would be f undamentally wrong." "" " Yes, I'm pr etty worried." "" " About Pixley?" "Listen... 10 past midnight -- quitting' time, baby." "And this is when I like to talk about your personal lif e." "Dana." "Aah!" "Yeah!" "Yes?" "Her e I go." "Have f un." "Your dating plan begins." "I'll be her e working." "" " Aha!" "" " What?" "Jealousy r ears its ugly head." "" " Wher e?" " lt'll happen." "Okay." "" " I'm outta her e." "" " Okay." "You understand the next time you see me," "I'll have alr eady gone on the date." "I do grasp the time-space continuum, yes." "Well, then...here I go." "Enjoy." "For the r ecord, if she stays over," "I'm making her this thing wher e I hollow out a grapef ruit." "" " From Home Ec?" "" " Yeah." "Go." "I'll go when I'm r eady to go." "" " Now I'm r eady to go." "" " Bye." "Well, you want to get to work?" "Her name's Pixley?" "Hey, Isaac." "Hey, Jer emy." "You working out on the treadmill?" "What makes you say that?" "" " How's it goin'?" "" " Fine." "Hey, if I wer e to suddenly pop this thing to up to 10, would you just go flying out onto Fifth Avenue?" "Yeah, but if I wer e to have my hands around your throat when you did it, wouldn't you be coming out ther e with me?" "" " Yeah." "" " So it's a wash." "" " Yeah." " [ Sighs ]" "Ar e you on Isaac patrol tonight?" "Isaac patrol?" "Yeah, doesn't one of you stay after the show to make sur e I get into my car okay?" "Yes, and doesn't that make us rotten people?" "Ther e ar e plenty of r easons why you'r e rotten people." "I'm not on Isaac patrol." "Dan is on Isaac patrol." "" " Wher e's Casey?" "" " Uh, out with a girl named Pixley." "" " Casey's out with Pixley?" "" " Yes." "You suppose the two of them could be any mor e white?" "No, I don't imagine they could." "So what do you need?" "What do I need?" "I don't need anything, Isaac." "You'r e simply her e?" "I'm simply her e." "" " You know why?" "" " My lucky day, I guess." "" " No, although I thought that was f unny, what you just said." "" " Thank you." "So, I've been nominated f or this award tomorrow night" " f or producing the segment on Foxboro." "" " Hmm." "And I've been thinking about it, and I've decided that I want to win." "" " Inter esting." "" " I want to win bad, Isaac." "" " Yes." "" " Do you know that f eeling?" "Well, I work in sports, so I'm trying to think if I've ever had contact with people like that." "" " Another good one, sir." " [ Laughs ]" "Surviving a stroke has made you quite the wit." "Yes." "No, I was wondering -- as someone who's been nominated f or many of these things and lost most of the time, how you f elt on the question of pr eparing a speech in advance." "I won the Pulitzer Prize, Jer emy." "It's a r eal honor, sir." "No, I meant it's one of the many objects in the room" " that I could grab and shove up -- " " Got it." "So on this speech-pr eparation question " "Have in mind the people you want to thank." "" " Ah." "" " Anything else?" "" " Have them in mind." "" " Yes." "" " Well, ther e would definitely be you..." "" " Thank you." "...and Dana and Natalie..." "" " Good." " ...though I'm not sur e which name to say first." "Dana's the ex ecutive producer, but I've got a personal r elationship with Natalie." "Of course, this isn't about personal r elationships." "It's about work." "Or is it?" "Tell you what, let's talk about it." "Okay, but first, would you mind just popping this thing up to 10 f or me?" "Alphabetical order is one way to go." "Dana:" "Let's add 'em all up." "Total time -- whole show all in -- " " The Bruins..." "" " Yeah." "" " The Rangers..." "" " Yeah." "" " NFL Whiparound." "" " Yep." "What do we got?" "6 minutes and 25 seconds." "We usually do mor e like an hour, don't we?" "Yeah." "All right, you know, let's not go crazy." "Let's approach this like the people we ar e." "Dana, I'm kind of late f or a date with a girl " "Sit your ass down, Valentino." "What's up?" "What ar e you still doing her e?" "I'm on Isaac patrol." "" " How's he doin'?" "" " I don't know." "Wher e is he?" "I don't know." "Well, keep up the good work." "What's goin' on?" "We only have 6 minutes and 25 seconds worth of show for tomorrow." "" " No problem." "" " No problem?" "" " I can str etch it." "" " You can't stretch it." "Dana, I'm a writer." "I stretch things all the time." "Give me 6 minutes and 25 seconds worth of copy, and I'll str etch it into an hour." "I've done it bef or e." "No, you haven't." "You've str etched 6 minutes and 25 seconds into 7 minutes and 25 seconds." "Hmm." "It certainly seemed like an hour." "Yes." "What did you find out?" "Isaac says I should keep some names in mind." "What ar e you talking about?" "I'm trying to decide whom to thank." "Ther e isn't the time allotted to thank everyone who deserves it, and I don't want to hurt anyone's f eelings, especially on an occasion like this." "Whom do you name?" "Whom do you leave out?" "It's tough." "Isaac's giving me a hand." "Why?" "What wer e you talking about?" "Tomorrow's show, you matzo ball." "Well, that opens up a slot." "What about Darren Keehoe?" "" " What about him?" "" " He's on his death bed." "I like it." "Do you know who he is?" "I'm assuming he's an extr emely accomplished athlete who's lived an extraordinary lif e and whose death warrants a 45-minute f eatur e on our show tomorrow night despite the f act that I've never heard of him." "Am I right?" "" " Absolutely." "" " Who is he?" "He came this close to winning the bronze medal in archery at the 1932 Olympics." "How close?" "He came in seventh." "All right." "He's dying?" "Yes." "" " You got this off the wir e?" "" " Yes." "Did it say what he's dying f rom?" "" " What he's dying f rom?" "" " Yes." "A rar e and f atal disease, perhaps, that we can serve to bring public attention to." "[ Crunch!" "]" "He's dying f rom having been alive f or 98 years." "[ Br eathes deeply ] All right." "Her e's what I'd like." "I'd like everyone to go back to your offices or cubicles and r eturn her e in 30 minutes with either some ideas or a carton containing the contents of your desk." "" " Can we order Chinese f ood?" "" " Yes." "" " Beef with broccoli?" "Fried rice?" "" " Sur e." "" " Jer emy..." "What?" "" " Would you like to pay f or it?" "I'm giving you an opportunity to get back on the list, Dana." "Please go." "Go I shall." "Let's work." "Dana..." "Dana." "" " Yeah?" "" " I know it's a dumb award, but Jer emy wants to win it pr etty bad." "[ Laughs ] That's fine with me." "I mean, he r eally wants to win." "I'll tell you, winning some awards around her e wouldn't hurt us any." "" " He's not gonna win." "" " He's got a good chance." "No, I'm saying it's not gonna happen." "You know something I don't know?" "You know how f or these things when they know you won they call you to make sur e you'r e going to be ther e?" "" " You overheard a call?" "" " Yeah." "Tsk." "Who's gonna win?" "" " Not Jer emy." "" " Who?" "I'm not gonna tell you." "" " Who?" "" " You'r e not going to like it." "I'm not gonna car e." "I'm just curious." "Who?" "You'r e not gonna car e?" "" " I'm r eally not." "" " Sally." "S-S-S-Sally." "Yes." "My Sally?" "Casey's Sally." "Sally's going to win my award." "Jer emy's award." "[ Sighs ]" "So you'r e going to tell him?" "" " No." "" " You'r e not?" "No." "You sur e?" "Yeah." "Okay." "We've got 6 minutes and 25 seconds of show, and our best hope is that a guy nobody's ever heard of dies of nothing in particular." "Jer emy's got his heart set on winning an award that you'r e not going to tell him he's alr eady lost..." "And Casey's out right now with a girl named Pixley." "" " Yes!" "Yes." "" " Well... we got ourselves the makings." "Yes." "Pixley's an unusual name." "Did it, uh, come f rom your mother?" "I'm pr etty sur e it came f rom both my par ents." "What I meant was, was it your mother's maiden name?" "No." "It doesn't have special significance?" "It has special significance inasmuch as it's my name." "Okay." "How ar e you, uh, enjoying your thing ther e?" "" " Fish?" "" " Yeah." "" " It's very good." "" " Good." "And you should take your time eating it, too." "" " Do you have to get someplace?" "" " No." "I'm sorry." "Am I being boring?" "Absolutely not." "Casey, if you want to go, you can go." "I don't want to go." "Then why did you say that?" "Because I want you to savor your fish." "What's the problem?" "" " Ther e is no problem." "" " I'm not your type." "I r eally have no type." "So we should stay on this date?" "I encourage you to order a second helping of fish." "So ther e's no problem." "Ther e is absolutely no problem." "[ Sighs ]" "In a perf ect world, I wouldn't be her e with you." "I'd be her e with someone else." "[ Fork clangs ]" "I'm just telling you this because I like you." "" " You like me." "" " Yes." "But not as much as the woman you would be her e with in a perf ect world." "" " Well, yes, but that's a pr etty tough standard." "" " How's that?" "" " Well, I'm in love with her." "" " You'r e in love with her." "" " Dana." "" " Dana." "Yeah." "" " And you'r e out on a date with me." "" " Yes." "Ther e's a good explanation f or that, which I think is gonna make you f eel a lot better." "An explanation f or why you asked me on a date" " even though you'r e in love with someone else?" "" " Yeah." "" " And it's gonna make me f eel better?" "" " Oh, yeah." "" " Give it a try." "" " She f orced me." "Okey-doke." "Look, it's not as bad as it sounds." "" " Really?" "" " Yeah." "Good night, Casey." "[ Sighs ]" "Well, ther e's a coxswain at Columbia." "" " A coxswain?" "" " Yes." "The guy in the canoe who shouts?" "First of all, it's not a canoe, it's a shell, and he doesn't just shout, he also steers." "Why do you have no r espect f or water sports?" "A coxswain?" "They'r e competitors like anyone else." "I don't consider what this guy does competing." "Well, what do you consider it?" "I consider it shouting out "f aster"" "while eight pr eppy guys row his lazy ass down the river." "Well, perhaps if you took the time to study the nuance " "Did this guy do anything spectacular?" "" " In a manner of speaking." "" " What did he do?" "He f ell out of the boat." "All right, put it down." "" " Good." "" " How long do you think?" "A minute-30." "I can str etch it." "Did this guy, by any chance, save something that was drowning on his way out of the boat?" "No." "Just f ell out, huh?" "Yep, and then he grabbed on to the boat f or support and knocked most of his teammates out, too." "The glory of sport." "And then he almost got bit by a turtle." "Moving on." "Isaac?" "What?" "You trying to sleep?" "You ar e on fir e tonight, Jer emy." "" " Wher e's your ride?" "" " Esther's staying late at a benefit in town." "They'r e dancing, and she likes to dance." "" " And she's late?" "" " Yeah." "Think you'll have to smack her around when she gets her e?" "What do you want?" "I wanted to tell you that I've decided not to pr epar e a speech." "" " Okay." "No." "" " Want to know why?" "" " It's 'cause I don't think I should." "" " Mm." "Okay." "Do you know that in 1969, an extra speech was written as Apollo 11 was landing on the moon?" "No." "Did you know that in 1992, all thr ee major pr esidential candidates wer e lefties?" "" " I didn't know that." "" " Leave me alone." "They had a contingency speech in case the LEM was unable to lift off the lunar surf ace, leaving the astronauts to die of starvation and lack of oxygen on global television some 2 40,000 nautical miles f rom home." "Well, you don't want to get caught unpr epar ed." "You also don't want to tempt f ate." "I think it was bad karma f or them to pr epar e that speech." "I f eel the same way about the award tomorrow night." "" " Son..." "" " Yes, sir." "I'm sorry." "You deserved to win as much as anyone but you didn't." "What do you mean?" "You didn't win." "How do you know?" "Natalie knew, and she told me." "" " Who won?" "" " Sally Sasser." "Oh." "Okay." "Well, okay." "I guess...never mind, then." "Okay." "Natalie knew?" "Yeah." "Okay." "" " Jeremy?" "" " Yes, sir." "You know what sucks?" "Losing an award?" "I was gonna say not being able to dance with your wif e." "Yeah, I was gonna say that, too, sir." "Turn out the light, okay?" "Yeah." "[ Groans ]" "All right, any new word on Darr en Hoho?" "" " Keehoe." "" " Is he the coxswain?" "" " He's the archer." "" " Any new word?" "He's still alive, if that's what you'r e asking." "" " Oh, man." "" " Dana!" "Hey, you think ther e's any chance he was gay?" "" " Dana!" "" " It would make a better story." "" " He's on his deathbed." "" " Natalie, I'm about to make this man the most f amous 7th-place archer in the history of sports." "I think the very least he can do is die in a timely manner... and be gay." "Hi." "Any ideas?" "Rerun tonight's show?" "Can I see you a second?" "Yeah." "" " Hi." "" " Hi." "So I was working on my speech with Isaac, and it turns out he knows I didn't win." "" " You know how he knows?" "" " Jer emy   'Cause you told him." "" " Yeah." "Do you have any idea how stupid I f eel?" "" " I'm sorry." "" " Why didn't you tell me the truth?" "" " Why would I tell you?" "" " What?" "Why would I tell you?" "" " Why would you tell me the truth?" "" " Yeah." " 'Cause it's the truth." "" " Yeah." "The truth isn't this all-fir ed, holy thing, you know." "" " Natalie -- " " No, I think I'm on pr etty solid ground her e." "You wer e nominated f or an award and having a good time, and you had another 2 4 hours of good time coming to you bef or e you got boof ed by Sally Sasser." "You can't tell me you'r e better off knowing now than you would have been tomorrow night when they opened the envelope." "" " I'm searching f or an ethical leg to stand on." "" " Yeah." "Speaking of which, I should mention that I'm very gratef ul that I'm able to dance with you." "You'r e not able to dance with me." "Yes, but if I could dance, I could dance with you." "I don't understand." "I just generally f eel stupid." "Well, why don't we get dr essed up tomorrow night, go to the thing, celebrate the f act that you got nominated at all, and then we'll go home and see if I can't r eplace" "your f eelings of stupidity with something else." "Natalie, you can't just always make everything better by off ering me sex." "Well, yes, I guess you can." "Wher e is she?" "What ar e you doing her e?" "I want to talk to the house madam." "Wher e is she?" "Casey, I didn't win the award I was nominated f or, yet due to my love f or Natalie and my ability to dance," "I don't f eel so bad." "" " What?" "" " Ex cept I r eally, really wanted to win." "Wher e's Dana?" "Inside." "Hey." "What ar e you doing her e?" "" " May I have a word?" "" " Sur e." "Outside." "Sur e." "" " Did Pixley stomp out?" "" " She didn't stomp." "" " Were you mean to Pixley?" "" " No." "" " You were, weren't you?" "" " I wasn't." "" " I'm going to call her." "" " I wasn't mean to Pixley." "How did it go?" "I was totally mean to Pixley." "Why?" "'Cause you'r e f orcing me to do something that is f undamentally mean." "" " It is not mean." "" " Look, Dana, come on " "Casey, you'r e a handsome television star." "I'm sur e Pixley had a very nice time." "Oh, Pixley had a swell time right up until the moment I told her the only r eason I was ther e was that I had to go on six-months worth of dates with other women bef or e you'd go out with me." "Well, why the hell did you tell her that?" "What?" "Why did you tell her that?" "'Cause it seemed like the right thing to do." "" " Did it?" "" " Yes." "And in r etrospect?" "" " Not so much." "" " Yeah." "" " Look..." "" " What?" "Dana, honesty -- that's what I'm about." "Honesty and not rushing through dinner." "She stomped off, didn't she?" "Yes, she did." "You got to do this f or r eal, Casey." "" " That's the only way it makes sense." "" " No." "No." "Ther e's r eally no way this makes sense." "" " You got to do it f or r eal." "" " I did it f or r eal." "" " You took a dive." "" " But I was honest." "You tanked it, Casey." "You phoned it in." "I told her 'cause it was the right thing to do." "l-I liked her a lot." "I didn't want to make any " "What?" "I told her 'cause it was the right thing to do." "You said you liked her." "When?" "Just now." "In f act, you said you liked her a lot." "Jealousy is r earing." "Okay." "I am not jealous." "Rearing all...over the place." "" " Casey -- " " By the way, if I hadn't pulled the plug," "I'd be over at her place right now doing jello shots, watching her please me." "You'r e disgusting." "She also said she was going to invite over some of her stewardess f riends." "" " Get inside." "" " What ar e we doing?" "" " The show is short." "" " How short?" "42 minutes." "" " We only have 42 minutes?" "" " We're short 42 minutes." "You know, a Columbia coxswain f ell out of his boat." "" " Yeah, we f actor ed that in." "" " Hmm." "What's going on?" "" " He's still alive." "" " I'm okay with that." "I think it's time f or us all to take a deep br eath [lnhales] and r elax and approach this with a sense of calm prof essionalism." "How could you lose to Sally Sasser?" "" " Sorry." "" " Here's something." "" " What?" "" " East bid 2 clubs, South bid 4 diamonds, and North came back with a 5 no-trump." "" " Bridge?" "" " Yeah." "Is ther e f ootage?" "We're going to cover bridge?" "" " It's the sport of kings." "" " No." "Once again, it's not the sport of kings." "Horse racing is the sport of kings." "" " Give me the dumplings." "" " What's bridge the sport of?" "" " Bridge isn't a sport." "" " Sur e, it's a sport." "No, I think at the very least, people have to be moving." "Kim." "[ Rock music plays ]"