"_" "Huh?" "Huh?" "_" "Graves!" "Cool off, buddy." "I got this one." "_" "_" "_" " _ - _" "_" "_" "_" " No!" "No!" " Ow." "Ow." "Goddamn it!" "Will you..." "cut the camera, Del." "Mom, we're right in the middle of shooting!" "Well, I'm sorry, I didn't know." "Well, you gotta be more careful." "Fortino?" "Hey, Mr. Alan." "What did I tell you about using Fortino?" "He's supposed to be repotting my azaleas." "Lo siento, Miss Diana." "I'm..." "I'm gonna go back to the azaleas." "No." "Oh, Fortino." "What happened to all the stuff that was in here?" "Oh..." "Del?" "Why'd you move their stuff?" "I didn't." "Yeah, you did." "Del, you're playing Rodrigo." "Back to one!" "Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Dolfe!" "I don't want to play Rodrigo." "Shut up!" "* Rainbow whoa oh whoa oh *" "* Rainbow" "I'm gonna give you uno, dos, tres, chili con carne." "Mi gusto chili con carne?" "That was so... good." "I mean, that looks freaking incredible." "Del, you were even good." " Me?" " This is a game changer!" "That was insane!" "I mean, we post this to the internet." "We catch the eye of a celeb, maybe like Steven Spielberg... and we might be set, man." "Forget Spielberg!" "We're like Steve Jobs in the late '70's!" "We're just tinkering perfection and just taking over the world!" "Oh, and Del's like the guy they cut out of the company before it took off." "I think that guy killed himself." " Okay." " I'm serious, though, man... if we do go further, you're probably not gonna be there... because you haven't put in much work." "But... probably, though, with a nice severance package, though." "Yeah, yeah..." "I mean, maybe like a five percent cut... and an NDA to take a walk." " Ooh..." " But, but, yeah... that's... you know, so, head's up." "Boys!" "Dinner!" "Alan, you're their father." "I think they should hear it from you." "I..." "I..." "I just..." "I..." "I feel like they respect you a lot more." "Oh, don't be ridiculous, honey, of course, they respect you." "Dinner!" "Oh, whoa!" "Awesome!" "Are we having steak?" "Nice!" "Hi, boys." "Uh, guys?" "Uh, before everybody starts eating..." " What kind of special occasion..." " A special meal?" "What is this?" "There's something that's really very important." "Why do you always get a bigger piece than me?" " And, uh..." " Okay, Jack, do you want me to switch?" " Would that make you happy?" " Boys!" "Yeah." "Your father is trying to tell you something." "Yeah." "Uh, your mother and I have been talking..." "Yeah." "And we've been talking extensively." "Yeah." "And uh, well..." "Can you spit out, Dad?" "'Cause we're so hungry." "Jack, let me finish." "Dad, we know what you're gonna say." "No, you don't know what I'm going to say." "Yes, we do, it's gonna be something useless... because you're doing the thing, that stuttering thing." "No, excuse me, I promise you do not know what I will say." "Alan, just tell them." "We want you boys to move out and find jobs." "You want us to... what was it?" "What did you say?" "We want you to move out and find..." "[BLEEP] you, Dad!" "Jack Christopher!" "What are you just kicking us to the curb?" "I know it's hard, but if you..." "No!" "You shut your mouth, you piece of [BLEEP]!" "Is this about space, Mom?" "There would be so much more space if you just divorced Dad!" "Yeah, he's the crappiest dad ever!" "I'm not divorcing your father!" "Did I ever tell you he molested me?" " What?" " I did not!" "What is wrong with you?" "You pervert!" "Don't say this!" " Did he touch you?" " No!" " He touched my penis!" " Stop it!" "Sit down!" "I did not!" "This is a lie!" "Oh, keep your mouth shut, you diddler!" "I did not diddle him!" "Boys!" "It's time for you to grow up!" "Look, fellas, we love the little videos you guys do." "What..." "Little videos?" "Why would you tear this family apart?" " Honey, I can't do this." " What's happening to this family?" "Boys!" "A decision has been made." "There is no discussion." "You have two weeks to move out." "May I please have the sour cream?" " But, Mom..." " Thank you, Alan." " You did a wonderful job." " Thank you." "Hey... you're dead to me." "Who wants salad?" "Hmm?" "Oh, look at those." "I should have had the pancakes." "Shut up!" "You know what?" "Maybe this was a blessing in disguise?" "What are you talking about?" "In case you forgot... here's a quick recap of what happened last night." "We were this close to living the dream... and then Dad spit on his [BLEEP] and [BLEEP] us!" "You know what's been really sticking in my craw?" "Technically, our home is our place of business." "Yeah, you're right, man." "I mean, if we're nice enough to offer Del a severance package... the least Mom and Dad could do... is give us, I don't know, 20 grand." " That sounds fair." " Okay, you want to audition it?" " Yes, I do." " Okay." "I will be Mom and Dad." "Hello, Ben, what can I do for you?" "Mom, we need $20,000." "Oh, my god!" "Is it drugs?" "Is it drugs?" "No, we just want to keep making our videos." " Absolutely not." " But, Mom..." "Absolutely not!" "Benjamin, your father and I have supported you for 30 years." "Now the simple fact is that we're not gonna be here forever." "What?" "Now I remember when you were born." "When I could still cradle you in my arms... you will always be my little boy." "Mom..." "But you're a man now, and it's time to grow up." "I'm so sorry, Mom." "I love you so much." "What the [BLEEP] is wrong with you?" "You fell right into her trap!" "Oh, goddamn it!" "Okay, can we go back?" "I will be you and you be Mom." " Okay." " Okay." "Mom, we need $20,000." "Oh, my god, is it drugs?" "Yes!" "Yes, it is drugs." "Oh, my god!" "What... here, take the money!" "That is it!" " You gotta be addicted to drugs!" " You gotta be addicted to drugs!" " No, you gotta be addicted." " No, no, no, why do I have to?" "Because, I was playing you." "Oh!" "Because I have to be addicted..." "Yes!" "Okay, well, we gotta do some research." "Yup." "Last week, I went out on a little joy ride." "It was about 3:00 or 4:00 in the afternoon... and, um, visibility wasn't even that bad... but uh, I was so jacked up on crystal... that I didn't even notice my niece playing in the cul-de-sac." "Do you see the shame?" "The shame in his eyes?" " That's very important." " Oh... shame." "And then, the sweats kicked in, I mean..." "Sweats." "Very sweaty." "I'm rambling." "I..." "I'm sorry." "I didn't..." "Rambling." "The point is, I got out of my car... and she was dead." "Okay, thanks for sharing, Ted." " Thank you." " Your story wins." "Okay, as many of you know... we have a very special guest tonight." "He's a former addict, here to share his story... of personal triumph." "So, let's give a warm welcome to Jimmy Staats... and his performance of "Less Drink, More Drive"." "It's been three days since my last fix." "I..." "I'm Jones-ing." "I'm Jones-ing." "I just need a little taste." "Sunlight... it pierces my eyes." "The darkness... the darkness is my only friend." "Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Jimmy Staats... and I know your struggle." "I know your struggle." "What you saw me do when I walked out today... is play a man in the throes of heroin detoxification." "Now was I actually detoxing from heroin?" "No, thank you, I already did that, okay?" "I had a crazy past." "I did all sorts of drugs." "I got kicked out of my house, because my mother said..." ""Oh, Jimmy, you gotta get out of your house... because you're doing so many drugs!"" ""And, oh, I can't stand you smoking the pot... and drinking all the time."" "And I was like, "Ma, please, I just want to be an actor!"" ""You're not very talented!"" "I think I have an idea." "And then the cops came in..." ""Ooh, hey, Jimmy, you better not hurt your mom!"" " We need to go." " Well, with foreclosures..." " Yeah, all right." "... you're gonna have that kind of damage when you move in." "Hey, Dad, have you seen Ben?" "Uh, yeah, it's a beautiful property." "No, I..." "I think he just stepped out." "Oh, did he?" "That's weird, I totally haven't seen or been in contact with him for a while." "Where's my 20 grand?" " What?" "Do you hear that?" " I'll get you your money." "What?" "Where's my money, man?" "Oh, my god!" "What in the Sam Hill is going on?" "You gonna give me my money?" "I'll get you your money somehow!" "Whoa, that's a sharp dresser." "You cockaroach!" " Is that a gun?" " What?" "No." " That's a gun!" " Ooh, look at that!" " Oh, no!" "Mom!" "Ma!" " It's a gun!" "It's a gun!" "Honey, come here quick!" "That's a hot potato, that feel hot on your skin?" "Oh, burning!" "A gun?" "What are you talking about?" "What?" "There's a horrible man on the front lawn with a gun." "I got me some french fries, huh?" "You must have recently shot that!" "That's our Ben!" "What's he doing?" "You don't come up with my money tonight... and you're dead!" "You chink!" " Oh!" " Oh!" " Oh, my... whoa!" " This is your worst nightmare." "Jack, come on, no BS, what's going on here?" "Okay." "Mom, Dad... it's drugs." "Oh, no." "Oh, no, I'm being kidnapped." "Oh, my god, and he's kidnapping Del, too." "Oh, no!" "This cockaroach is being kidnapped!" "Unless I get my money!" "My 20 grand!" "... and then, you know, when Dad suddenly kicked us out with no explanation, that kind of sent him down that dark path." "Oh, hey, guys." "What happened, Ben?" "Oh, you me... you mean my face?" "Nothing, I just fell down." "Cut the crap, Benjamin, we saw the whole thing." "You're on drugs!" "You guys saw that?" "It's the truth." "I'm hooked on drugs." " Oh, my god!" " Oh, no!" "Oh!" "How does this happen?" "He said if he doesn't get his money by tonight... he's gonna kill me." " Oh, god!" " Oh, no!" "And, oh, yeah, he took Del, because he didn't want me... to, uh, skip town or call the cops or anything." "But if he sees anything funny..." "He's gonna cut his face off... was what I heard him say, I think, outside." "That's what he said." "You know, the one question I have... is why did he call you a chink?" "Well, clearly he's a racist drug dealer, Alan." "They're hateful people and they're not to be trifled with." "Okay, okay, well, this is clearly gonna wipe... the raining day fund, that's for sure." "Obviously." " I could call Uncle Billy." " Yeah." "Maybe I could pick up a nightshift... at J.C. Penney's for a while?" "May... we could probably talk him down to 15 grand, maybe." "Whoa, he did say 20, or he was gonna kill you, so..." "Yeah, and Jack could take on a shift or two." "But ultimately, I do think that 15 is more than enough." "Wait a minute!" "We're not negotiating with some racist drug dealer." "Now I'm going down there myself tonight, and I'm gonna give him the full amount." "Hold on, I'm just worried that you don't know how dangerous... and how racist he is." "I think that it should really just be me and Ben probably." "No, honey, some little punk comes in here, he threatens my son, he takes my money." "He kidnaps my son's best friend... he's gonna have to deal with me." "And I'm coming, too." "Alan, no... if I die, someone's gotta stay here with the boys." "Okay." "Okay, so... you'll be there." "Okay... great." "That's great." "We're just trusting this guy with $20,000." "Jimmy Staats is a good guy." "He's not gonna double-cross us." "Uh, it just doesn't seem like it's worth it, Jack." "What?" "You want to give up now?" "So we can bag groceries for the rest of our lives?" "I don't know, no!" "No, I hope not!" "Look around, man." "I mean, look at all this stuff." "This is our whole life." "This is it!" "Either we gotta burn all this stuff... even though we're this close." "Or we take their life savings... and we turn that into an investment." "I guess you gotta spend money to make money." "Yeah!" "You've gotta spend their money to make money." "Yeah!" "Ha!" "I mean, when we hit the big time... we are gonna look back on this moment and laugh." "Laugh in Dad's face!" "Well, you know, god-willing he's passed by then... but if not, then yeah, we're gonna laugh in his face." "Yeah." "So let's consider tonight our greatest performance." "Our magnum opus." " Yes." " Yes." "I got a good feeling about tonight." "Me, too." "Oh, I can't help it!" "Oh, I'm so excited!" "I'm gonna get some of Mom's jewelry." "It's amazing the way you guys hide all these cameras." "What is that like some sort of nanotechnology or something?" "Oh, yeah." "I've never done a candid camera show, so..." "Kind of reminds me of my days back at Steppenwolf Theater." "I was just an usher... but I really picked up a lot from those guys, you know?" "Just through osmosis, you know?" "You get it?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "It's funny, I left Chicago five months ago." "I've been driving around the country ever since... doing gigs... all by my lonesome." "When I get a character, that's what I have." "That's why I perform." "You ever get that feeling?" "Yeah." "Oh... here we go." "What?" "Do you want to die, mane?" " What?" " Huh?" "You wanna die?" "Well, well, Mr. Jimmy." "You got my money, mane?" "We brought the cash." "Did you bring the Del?" "Help me!" "Relax, Del." "Everything's gonna be okay." "I'm here, buddy." "Thanks, Jack, you're my best friend." "You want some more of that?" " No." " He does." "That's good." "Now where's my money, mane?" "You want your money?" "Here's your filthy, drug money." "Oh..." "little, baby Bennie brought his Momma... to do his dirty work for him, huh?" "You ever come near my son again, and I swear to god..." "I will move heaven and earth to be sure that you rot in hell... where you belong." "You promise?" "Yeah." "I promise." "Now you just lay that money down, lady." "Then you get your little boy back." "Let's go, boys." "Pleasure doing business with you..." "Momma's boy!" "Come on, Del!" "Come on, Del." "Freeze!" "DEA!" "Get your hands in the air!" "I said get your hands in the air!" "Drop your weapon or we will fire!" "The sunlight, it pierces my eyes." "Listen to me, pigs." "I ain't going nowhere... unless it's in a body bag." "You understand me?" "Huh?" "Jimmy!" "Jimmy!" "Jimmy, no!" "Jimmy, no!" "Jimmy!" "What?" "Drop 'em!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Reload!" "No, why?" "Why are you reloading?" " No, no." " No, no, no, no." " Huh?" " Fire!" "God dang it, isn't that the worst?" "Oh." "This is a crazy show." "Suspect down!" "Uh-oh." "Suspect expired!" " Yeah!" " Whoo!" "Yeah!" "Ha!" "What the hell was that?" "I didn't want to scare you, boys, but I called the police... and they were kind enough to set up a sting." "Oh." "And now he's dead." "That's great." "That's great." "You're a really great actor." "So good." "Hey, guys, how was the sting?" " Hi, honey." " 'Cause I'm..." "I need a shower." "It was great." "We got him." "Oh, well, you live by the gun, you die by the gun." "Hey, ho." "How you hangin' in there, bud?" "I'm okay." "The nasty man is gone away." "Listen, don't you worry, we're gonna take great care of you." "Huh?" "Oh, that's my big boy." "That's great." "What the hell?" "What is... what?" "Why is all my stuff packed up?" "Oh, now, Jack, we already discussed this." "Are you kicking us out still?" "No, no, Ben's gonna stay here until he gets clean." "Okay, good night." "What are you talking... what?" "No!" "no!" "No!" "We killed him." "Oh, no..." "Hello?" "Hey, Marty, it's Jim Zdorkin." "Hello." "Hey, buddy." "Yeah, how you doing?" "Good, good, good." "Listen, have you ever heard of a dealer named Jimmy Staats?" "Okay, all right, well, thanks anyway." "Yeah, I'll look into it, I guess." "Okay, thanks."