"(birds chirping)" "Morning, Doctor." "Good morning, Charles." "You're looking splendid." "I feel splendid." "Every day, and in every way, you're feeling" "BOTH:" "Better and better." " Indeed." " Well, won't you sit here?" "Wouldn't you like me to..." "Not unless you want to." "No." "I'll be quite comfortable here." "Thank you." "Doctor, I'm surprised." "Oh, of course." "You-- you quit." "Three months ago." "You know, there was a time when your forgetfulness would have made me feel very rejected." "Not now, hmm?" "Well, a little rejected, perhaps." " Did you do it intentionally?" " Why should I do that?" "Well, uh," "I'm a patient you consider to be completely rehabilitated on your recommendation soon to appear before the sanity board your reputation on the line." "A little test, perhaps, hmm?" "Not very long ago, an obvious trick like that would have sent you into a towering rage." "And poor old Clouseau would have silently and passively submitted to another massacre." "(chuckling)" "It's a miracle you were somehow able to keep putting him back together again." "Poor old Clouseau." "There was a time when I couldn't even speak his name." "And there was also a time when you would joyfully have killed him." "Yes." " I was a sick man, wasn't I?" " Mmmmm." "We've come a long way, haven't we?" "And you're not even a little bit bothered when you think of Clouseau?" "Not even a little bit." "(chuckling)" " Do you believe me?" " If you say so." "Well, I could be lying." "You are a good psychiatrist, but I may be a better liar." "For your sake, I hope you're not." "Sooner or later, you'd run into Clouseau, and then back here for life." "No more chance of another hearing." "Coming here day after day, watching you chain smoke yourself into an early grave and knowing that on certain mornings, you'll be particularly morose and testy because you've had another fight with your wife like this morning." " How do you know that?" " It's the only time you doodle." "(scoffs)" "I keep forgetting you used to be chief inspector of the Sûreté." "And will be again." "But Clouseau is chief inspector now." "Till the better man comes along." "Well, in that case, I think Inspector Clouseau had better start looking to his laurels." "What?" "You mean...?" "(chuckling)" "The board meets at 2:00 this afternoon." "This afternoon?" "If everything goes as I expect it to, you'll be out of here this afternoon." "(clapping)" "(laughing)" "Thank you, thank you, thank you." "See you at 2:00." "Clouseau!" "Now, now, Doctor." "Some people would consider your methods most unorthodox." "I was just making sure that you're not a better liar than I am a psychiatrist." "(chuckling) 2:00." "♪♪" "Come along." "Good." "(arrow whooshing, thunking)" "How." "(blowing raspberries)" "(wooden thunks)" "(Clonk)" "(splashing)" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Grab hold of this." "Pull." "Pull on this." "(splashing)" "DREYFUS:" "Help!" "(gasping) Help!" "Help!" " (splashing) - (gasping)" "(squishy thud)" "Out with the bad air, in with the good." "Out with the bad air, in with the good." "Out, in." " Don't look, Fiona!" " Out, out." "And now the kiss of life." "Pervert!" "(thunk)" " Dirty old men!" " Oh... (spitting)" "Clouseau." "Please, there is no need to thank me." " Thank you?" " For saving your life." "Someone..." "I was hit on the head." "Yes, you have received a beump upon the head." " "Beump"?" " What?" " You said "beump."" " Yes, I know that." "It is a large beump." "You could receive a concussion from such a beump." " Allow me to assist you." " No!" "I'm all right." "I'm fine." "Never better." "Just a little-- a little shaky." "Probably the shock of-- I mean, the surprise of seeing you here again today." "Well, I received a report from the sanity commission that they were going to review your case today so I thought a few words from me on your behalf" "Oh, God" "I mean, how generous of you, but" "Well, I'm not without influence, you know." "Yes, I know that." "Yes, I have become a rather important official in the department." "I've heard." "You are the new chief inspector." "Yes." "Yes, yes." " Yes." " Yes." "Yes, yes." "Yes, we made quite a few changes since you went crazy." "For the better, I'm sure." "By the way, Sergeant Chevalier sends you his kind regards." "Oh, Sergeant Chevalier." "Good old Sergeant Chevalier." "How is he, anyway?" "Well, you know, there are leaders and there are followers." "Mmm." "And I'm afraid that Sergeant Chevalier will always be a follower, no?" "Oh, yes." "And you, my friend Clouseau, a leader, huh?" " (chuckling)" " Well" "Always a leader?" "Onwards and upwards to the top, hmm?" " It is my karma." " What?" " My destiny." " Oh, yes." "Yes, a few more years on the force and I might even be persuaded to run for the public office." "(chuckling)" "You can count on my vote." "And you, my friend, can count on me to do everything in my power to get you out of this place." "Oh, yes." "I know how you feel." "My hat." "Well... (wood creaking)" "(splashing)" "Are you all right, former Chief Inspector?" "Yes!" "Yes, I'm-- I'm perfectly all right." "See?" "(thwack)" "(splashing)" "(laughing)" "One moment, and I will have you extracted." "I'm fine." "I am perfect." "Every day, and in every way" "I'm getting better and better." "(laughing)" "♪ Somewhere over the rainbow ♪" "(laughing)" "I'm afraid that this is just not your day, my friend." "But it is my day." "It is, my friend." "After three long, terrible years it is at last my day." "I will not permit, repeat, not permit, anything, repeat, anything, to spoil it." "Now, I will walk you to the gate and I will kiss you good-bye" "(kissing) and you will drive off in your new car which should rightfully be mine and then I will have my interview with the sanity commission." "And they will set me free, and then" "(arrow thwocks)" "I will kill you." " Kill you!" " Francois!" " DREYFUS:" "Kill you!" " CLOUSEAU:" "Start the car!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "(car revving)" "Kill you!" "Kill!" "(car revving)" "(shouting)" "I'll kill him!" "(car revving)" "I want to kill him!" "(hysterical laughing)" "I've got to kill him." "(Pink Panther theme)" "(match striking)" "(match striking)" "(blowing)" "("Funeral March of a Marionette" playing)" "(Pink Panther theme)" "("Batman" theme playing)" "(Pink Panther theme)" "("King Kong" theme playing)" "("The Sound Of Music" playing)" "("Singin' In The Rain" playing)" "("Big Spender" playing)" "(Pink Panther theme)" "(rice pouring)" "(rice stops)" "(soft-shoe dancing)" "(soft-shoe dancing continues)" "Oh, allow me." "(fabric ripping)" "♪♪" "Cato?" "Cato?" "(creaking)" " (shouting) - (crashing)" "(squishing)" "(splattering)" "(water splashing)" "(Water pouring)" "(muffled groaning)" "Ya-ha!" "(imitating monkey hooting)" "(shouting)" "(sighing)" "Forty winks." "(fabric ripping)" "(gasping, yelling)" "(crashing)" "(grunting)" "(grunting, clattering)" "(objects clattering)" "(yelling)" "(yelling)" "(wind whistling)" "(yelling in slow-motion)" "(thudding)" "(screaming in slow-motion)" "(glass breaking)" "(explosion)" "Aha!" "(weapons clattering)" "(glass breaking)" "(screaming)" "(laughing)" "(crashing)" "(yelling)" "(crashing)" "(yelling)" "(crashing, electricity crackling)" "(glass shattering)" "(shouting, yelling)" "(wood snapping)" "(shouting)" "(metallic clinking)" "(yelling in slow-motion)" "(thudding)" "(screaming)" "(screaming)" "(screaming)" "(crashing)" "(wood creaking)" "(shouting)" "(shouting)" "(phone ringing)" "It's the phone." "(phone ringing)" "The phone is ringing." "(smashing)" "(phone ringing)" "Relax." "I'll get it." "(phone ringing)" "This is Chief Inspector Clouseau's residence." "This is Chief Inspector Clouseau speaking on the phone." "What?" "Oh, put him on." "Put him on." "Good evening, Commissioner." "How are you?" "How is Madame and all the little commissioners?" "I see." "(screaming)" "(crashing)" "Well, you can rest assured that I shall take every precaution that is necessary." "(screaming, crashing)" "Thank you, Commissioner, and good evening." "I have just received word that former Chief Inspector Dreyfus has escaped from the insane asylum." "For some reason, the deputy commissioner thinks that he might try to kill me." "Obviously, the poor man is crazier than anyone gives him the credits for." "Nevertheless, I am ordered to take every precaution." "Now, see that the back door and the front door are locked while I slip into my new hunchback disguise, Cato." "♪♪" "Both doors are locked now." "(gasping)" "Who are you?" "What have you done with Inspector Clouseau?" "Chief Inspector Clouseau." "(laughing)" "Fooled you, didn't I?" "Oh, Chief Inspector, that is fantastic." "If you think this is fantastic wait till you see the full effect with the hump." "(hissing)" "(phone ringing)" "The bells!" "The bells!" "They deafen me!" "(phone ringing)" "(speaking gibberish)" "Chief Inspector Clouseau?" "Yes, this is Chief Inspector Clouseau." "Who is speaking?" "My name-- my name is Duval." "Claude Duval." "I have the honor to be chairman of the Jacques Clouseau presentation committee." "The presentation committee?" "For me?" "(hissing continues)" "For what purpose, may I ask?" "For what purpose, you ask." "(chuckling)" "How modest of you." "The purpose, monsieur, is to honor one of the city's most dedicated, brave and selfless public servants." "You are most generous, monsieur." "Most." "Yes, I must admit I have often wondered, considering my years on the force and my numerous accomplishments, why recognition was not forthcoming earlier." "Absolutely right." "Nine years faithful service at the Sûreté and not as much as a single decoration in all that time." " (fabric ripping)" " Yes, that is quite correct." "However, as you are no doubt aware" "I have recently received an important promotion." "Really?" "I have replaced the lunatic Dreyfus as chief inspector." "I know, and I'm sure Paris sleeps the more safely because of the change." "You're very most kind." "But I can assure you when it comes to matters of keeping the peace" "I'm always on my toes." "Chief Inspector." "One moment, please." "Can't you see that I'm on the phone?" "(shouting)" "(thudding)" "(explosion)" "(screaming)" " (bells tolling) - (shouting)" " (hissing) . (shouting)" "(splashing)" "CLOUSEAU:" "Oh, yes, Commissioner." "Fortunately, there was sufficient air still left in my hump to keep me afloat until the rescue." "Yes, yes." "Well, thank you very much, Commissioner." "Good-bye." "That was the commissioner." "He was most concerned." "Well, you have been very, very lucky, you know." "Oh, yes, I know." "Poor Cato will be in the hospital for weeks." "Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?" "The exploding kind." "Mark my words, Francois." "Sinister forces are at work." "And this mad bomber must be apprehended at all costs." "Make sure you issue an all-points bulletin immediately." " Yes, sir." " What about my clothes?" "Oh, Sergeant Chauvin is rounding some up for you." "Hmm." "Yes." "While you're waiting, perhaps you would sign the order to transport Jean Tournier to prison." " Tournier the bank robber?" " Yes." "I shall be happy to sign that order." "Ah, it's life for you this time, Tournier." "At last, we are rid of you." "I have to go to the toilet." "All right." "Thank you." "(door closing)" "(train rumbling)" "(knocking)" "Tournier." "(train rumbling)" "(helicopter whirring)" "(knocking)" "All right, Tournier." "That's long enough." "(helicopter whirring)" "♪♪" "DREYFUS:" "Now this is my plan." "Step number one:" "I will recruit the world's greatest criminal minds." "Step number two:" "I will build an organization so sinister, so, so powerful that by comparison, the Cosa Nostra will seem like the Vienna Boys' Choir." "Here is the list." "But half of these men are in prison." " We'll get them out." " Impossible." "I'll bet you 20 million francs it isn't." "Where would I get 20 million francs?" "I thought you'd ask that." "Step number three:" "Next Thursday at precisely 2:00 p.m., you and six men will enter the main branch of the Paris credit bank." "FRANCOIS:" "This afternoon, at approximately five minutes to 5:00 three men dressed in building maintenance uniforms entered and robbed the Paris credit bank." "(explosion)" "The leader has been identified as Jean Tournier." " Hmmm - (banging)" "Uh How much did they get?" "Millions." "Here's the report." "(thudding)" "All right." "That will be all, Francois." "Thank you." "(clapping, chuckling)" "Twenty million francs." "And now, the next step." "♪♪" "(gasping)" "(humming)" "(splashing)" "(motorcycle engine revving)" "(door closing)" "(thwack, thud)" "MAN:" "Hugo Fassbender and his daughter have been kidnapped." " Professor Fassbender?" " Yes." "Paris has a theory." "They're sending over their top man, a Chief Inspector Clouseau." "He just sent this telegram." ""Arrived Gatwick Airport, B.R. 121, 12:38 p.m."" "(car engine rumbling)" "Yes?" "Who are you?" " Jarvis, sir." " And what is it you do?" " I am the butler." " Ah, the butler." "Yes, yes." "Can you tell me where you were on the night of the kidnapping?" " Asleep in my room, sir." " Asleep in your room." " Can you prove that?" " No." "Make a note of that, Sergeant Yard." "Tell the staff to assemble in the drawing room." "I will interview them in a few moments." "Yes, sir." " What was your name again?" " Uh, Jarvis." "Jarvis, that's right." "Perhaps you'll be kind enough to show me around the house." "Very good, sir." "I suggest we start with the upstairs." " This is the upstairs, sir." " Yes, I know that." "I know that." "(knocking)" "(knocking continues)" "(hollow knocking)" "This is a door." "Uh, yes, sir, that is a door." " Yes, I know that." "I know that." " It's not locked, sir." "Obviously." "Stay where you are." "I prefer to handle this alone." "(click, machine whirring)" "Is there anybody hiding there in the dark?" "(match striking)" "(light switch clicks on)" "Nothing like a good warm-up when you're on a case, you know?" "Tell me, which switch did you use to turn on the lights?" "The light switch, sir." "(light switch clicks off, then on)" "Strange." "It didn't work for me." " (switch clicks off)" " Ah." "Hmm." "(fingers snapping)" "Yes." "Unless I miss my guess, this would be the, uh, gymnasium room, huh?" " Great guess, sir." " Yes." "It is a good room." "Yes." "(thud, chain rattling)" "This reminds me of my younger days at the Sûreté police academy." "The parallel bars, my speciality." "I was something of an athlete, you know." "Yes, yes." "I was known as the Pavlova of the parallels." "Oh, yes." "Yes, it's all coming back now." "(chuckling)" "Yes, I remember it" "(screaming)" "(thudding)" "Well, that felt good!" "Well, now." "I expect you're all wondering why I asked you here." "(crunching, screaming)" "(shouting, clattering)" "(clattering)" "(clattering)" "It's obvious that the knight that wore that suit did not last very long." "Yes, yes." "I know, I know." "Now, um..." "Yes." "As I was saying, um..." "You were saying you supposed we were all" "BOTH:" " wondering why you called us." "Look." "There is no need for you to speak unless I ask you a question." " What is your name?" " I'm Shork, the gardener." " And what is it you do?" " I'm the gardener." "Why didn't you say that to me in the first place?" "I did." "Look, don't try to be funny with me, monsieur." "This is a very serious matter and everyone in this room is under the suspicions." " MAN: "Reum"?" " What?" "What was that?" " You said, "Reum."" " Yes, I know that." "And there is a very good chance that someone in this room knows more about the murder than he is telling." " Murder?" " What was that you said?" " I said murder." " What murder?" "Well, I don't know." "You said murder." "I said murder?" "You said murder!" "No, I said murder because you said murder!" " I said murder?" " You said there was someone in this room who knew more about the murder than he's telling." "Now listen..." " What was your name?" " Shork." " The cook." " Gardener." "Ah!" "Now we are getting somewhere." " You-- - (thwack)" "(thudding)" "Oh, dear!" "Are you all right, Mr. Stutterstutt?" " Who is this man?" " He's Mr. Stutterstutt." "I see, and what is your job, Mr. Stuckerstuff?" "He's the beekeeper." "I'm not asking you." "I'm asking Mr. Stuffsucker." "What's that?" "What is he saying to you?" "What?" "What was that?" "He says he's got a bit of a cold, and he's lost his voice." "Lost his voice." "A beekeeper who has lost his voice a cook who thinks he's a gardener and a witness to a murder." "Oh, yes." "It is obvious to my trained eye that there is much more going on here than meets the ear." "(smashing, piano crashes)" "Before you are dismissed, Mr. Stiffsticker" "I suggest you count your bees." "You may find that one of them is missing." "You ruined that piano!" "What is the price of one piano compared to the terrible crime that has been committed here?" "But that's a priceless Steinway!" "Not anymore." "What is your name?" "(sighs) Mrs. Leverlilly." "Mrs. Loveliver." "I would take a shrewd guess that you are the housekeeper, am I right?" "I have been with Professor Fassbender for 30 years." "That would account for your exaggerated hysteria over a simple blemish on the furniture." "Blemish!" "Whatever has happened to the piano can easily be repaired." "What has happened to Professor Fassbender and his daughter is another matter." "And it is my job to bring the guilty party, or parties, to their justice." "Now, then, what do we know?" "One:" "That Professor Fassbender and his daughter have been kidnapped." "Two:" "That someone has kidnapped them." "Three:" "That my hand is on fire." "(yelling)" "(steam hissing)" "Oh, Drummond, what's going on?" "Oh, uh, good afternoon, sir." "Inspector Clouseau has been interrogating the staff." "Inspector Clouseau, Superintendent Quinlan." "Oh, Inspector." "Superintendent." "(thunk)" "(clattering)" "(gunshot ricocheting)" "(metallic clink)" "(metallic clink)" "Why don't you just tell Potters that he's incompetent and request that he be taken off the case?" "(whimpering)" "Because we've got enough trouble with France without suggesting that their greatest detec-- detective is a fool." " (whimpering) - (metallic clink)" "Steady." "Where is he now?" "He is shadowing the Fassbender farm." "(motorcycle engine revving)" "(motorcycle engine rumbling)" "II" "Hello, sailor." " Yes?" " Who are you?" "Chuck." "Who are you?" "What's that?" "I am Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau of the Sûreté." "Oh, (chuckles) how exciting." "I think I will just take a look around." "Yes." "Well, you'll have to make use of the bar first or take a table." "The show starts in a couple of minutes." "In that case, I will take the table." "Right." "Follow me, Jock." " Jacques." " Jack?" "(drumroll)" "(cymbal crashes)" "Ladies and gentlemen, once again it is my profound pleasure to introduce the incomparable Ainsley Jarvis!" "(piano playing)" "♪ What's a queen ♪" "♪ Without a castle ♪" "♪ You're right ♪" "♪ No queen at all ♪" "♪ And you'd be right again to say ♪" "♪ The winter's day ♪" "♪ Is cold ♪" "♪ Till you ♪" "♪ Come ♪" "(Bossa Nova playing)" "♪ Until you love me ♪" "♪ I always will be wanting ♪" "♪ This need I need ♪" "♪ Can come from only you ♪" "♪ Until you love me ♪" "♪ I'll live a life of longing ♪" "♪ For that's the next best thing ♪" "♪ I can do ♪" "♪ No way of knowing ♪" "♪ Which way your heart is going ♪" "♪ To go ♪" "♪ I don't think you know ♪" "♪ Take as long as it takes ♪" "♪ Your love ♪" "♪ To grow ♪" "♪ Until you love me ♪" "♪ Not one dream can come true ♪" "♪ In all my dreams ♪" "♪ There is a place ♪" "♪ For you ♪" "♪ And so I'll keep those dreams ♪" "♪ Until ♪" "♪ You love me ♪" "♪ Too ♪" "(applause)" "Why is it that this afternoon you are Jarvis, the Fassbender butler and tonight, you are" "Inspector, inspector, before you get yourself all" "Madame or monsieur, I must warn you." "You had better watch your step." " (Splat) - (parrot squawks)" " Something wrong, Ainsley?" " Of course not, Bruno." "No, the inspector here was just warning me that I had to watch my step." "You see, back in France, he's known as king of the tango." " Tango?" " Oh, I'd love to." " The kidnappers are here." " Kidnappers?" "Okay." "Let's go." "(shouting)" "(thud, thwack)" "(glass breaking)" "(clattering)" "(crashing)" "(shouting)" "(crashing)" ". (thwack) - (crashing)" " (glass breaking) - (screaming)" "(sirens blaring)" "You want to call Paris now?" "Look at it this way." "It can't possibly get any worse." "(sirens blaring in background)" "(thunder rolling)" "(Pipe organ playing)" "Ah, Professor Fassbender!" "(laughing)" "What an honor to have you and your charming daughter as my guests." " Who the devil are you?" " Ah, yes." "Who the devil, indeed." "Come." "Sit down." "Let us just say for the moment that I'm your host and that I will do everything in my power to make your stay here at Mondschien Castle as pleasant as possible." "Providing, of course, that you reciprocate by giving me something that I very much want." "And that would be?" "I am fascinated by your work on time-space relationships particularly the vortices of electromagnetic aberrations." "I see." "And do you work for a particular government or do you expect to sell my discovery to the highest bidder?" "Neither, Professor." "Nothing so mundane." "You and I, we're going to join forces, Professor." "We're going to build the Doomsday Machine and conquer the world." " Have a sweet." " You're mad." "Mad?" "On the contrary." "Every day, in every way" "I've been getting better and better." "Mad?" "Was Hannibal mad?" "Or Alexander?" "Surely Napoleon was the maddest of them all." "Mad?" "We shall see, Professor." " I shall tell you nothing." " I think you will." "(switchblade snaps)" "PROFESSOR:" "I'll die first." "Show Miss Fassbender to the schoolroom." "(ominous music playing)" "Daddy?" "(thud)" "(laughing maniacally)" "What are you going to do?" "Something so very, very painful, so hideous your father will have no choice but to cooperate." "No!" "(chalkboard scraping)" " (Margo screaming) - (chalkboard scraping)" "(screaming continues)" "All right." "All right, I'll tell you anything." "(marching band playing)" "ANNOUNCER:" "The Wolverines certainly have to put some points on the scoreboard." "I'm sure that Green will come out throwing." "He's got to get that ball down deep into Navy territory." "Green, now on third down, looks to the left, throws it" "All right, team!" "Let's go!" "Throw's complete to Rhodes!" "He's inside the 50!" "He's to the 20!" "The clock is running down." "Can the Wolverines do it?" "(Pipe organ playing)" " What happened?" " MAN:" "Where's the game?" " MAN:" "Who is that?" " DREYFUS:" "Hello there." "(laughing)" " He's on every station." " Well, call the F.C.C." "Hold it!" "Hold it!" "He's saying something." "Mr. President, everybody, calm down." "Calm down, hell!" "This is an emergen" "(clattering)" "An emergency." "Did Michigan score?" "Please, let's hear what the fellow has to say." "It is little enough to ask the life of one man against a holocaust that could destroy the globe." "What the hell's he talking about?" "Quiet." "That's why I say again give me Clouseau." "And we can all sleep secure in our beds." "What's a Clouseau?" "And so, next week" "I shall give the world a-- a demonstration of the awesome power I hold." "On Saturday, October 9th at precisely 3:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time the United Nations building" "(whistling noise) will vanish from the face of the earth." "(laughing maniacally)" "(Pipe organ playing)" "And the gun goes off." "The game is over." "Call the F.B.I., the C.I.A. and the Pentagon." "Find out who won the game!" "(slow leak)" "That's a photograph taken by an American news photographer while the broadcast was in progress." "Paris has identified him as one Charles Dreyfus former chief inspector of the Sûreté." " You're joking." " And more recently, an inmate at the state facility for the criminally insane." "Until he escaped." "Here's a text of his speech." "He obviously controls equipment sophisticated enough to pirate the satellite." ""Give me Clouseau, and we can all sleep secure in our beds."" "Thought that bit might interest you." "That's one crazy chief inspector talking about another crazy chief inspector." "What does he mean anyway?" ""Give me Clouseau."" "Listen to this. "Little enough to ask the life of one man against a holocaust that could destroy the globe."" "You missed the best bit." "Look." "He also threatens to make the U.N. building disappear." " Operation:" "Looking Glass?" " Fassbender." "Give me-- Give me Lovell." "Home Office." " Where's Clouseau?" " I've no idea." "(piano playing)" " (applause) - (drumroll)" "Now, ladies and gentlemen, once again, the incomparable Ainsley Jarvis." "(applause)" "(laughing)" "(knocking)" "Monsieur Jarvis?" "Monsieur Jarvis?" "(ominous music playing)" "(kissing)" "(thud)" "(door clicks)" " Sir, the coroner's report." " Ah, yes." "It's amazing." "Even after he had been stabbed twice he was still able to break the kidnapper's neck." " Ah, pity." " Yes, he had a lovely voice." "No, I meant pity that the kidnapper's dead." "We might have got something out of him." "I did get something out of him." "What?" "What's that?" " A clue." " "Klew"?" " What?" " You said a klew." "Yes." "A brochure clue advertising the Oktoberfest in Munich." "It begins the day after tomorrow." "And you think the dead man was planning to go there, perhaps to meet someone?" "Yes." "Perhaps to meet the lunatic Dreyfus." "At one time, partners in the war against crime now, arch-enemies." "(farting noise)" " You'll need help." " I prefer to do this alone." "Yes, but if Dreyfus is what we suspect, he probably has an army behind him." "Of course it won't be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is." "That is why I have always failed where others have succeeded." "For me, the greater the odds, the greater the challenge." "And, as always, I accept the challenge." "Well, I am off to Munich." "Most ingenious." "The old closet ploy." "I really must congratulate you." "If there's one thing I do enjoy it's a good closet ploy." "Well, until we meet again and the case is solved." "The case is solved." "(sirens blaring in distance)" "Four minutes." "We're gonna look like a bunch of Dipsy Doodles if this turns out to be a hoax." "Well we would look very foolish if we didn't take every precaution and it turned out not to be a hoax." "Dr. Fassbender and Operation Looking Glass are certainly no hoax, Mr. Secretary." "God." "A weapon like that in the hands of a crazy Frenchman." "(suspenseful music)" "You are certain?" "You can do it?" "Theoretically, yes." "For your daughter's sake, I sincerely hope so." "Ah, the dreams I had." "All the terrible things I was going to do to that sweet child if you failed." "Look, I've done everything you asked." "Not yet." "When the U.N. building vanishes, then you will have done everything I asked." "What do you suppose they will call the crater, huh?" "The Dreyfus Ditch!" " There should be no crater." " No crater?" "But I want a crater." "I want wreckage, twisted metal." "Something the world will not forget." " They will not forget today." " They won't?" "Wonderful." "I have to tinkle again." "Don't do anything till I get back." "Too late." "The countdown started." "One minute." "(electronic whirring)" "(large doors opening)" "Thirty seconds." "Seven, six five, four three, two, one!" "Ignition!" "(laser firing)" "Today, the U.N. building." "(thudding)" "Tomorrow, who knows?" "I think by now that the nations of the world are aware of the the awesome power which I control." "A power so great, it-- if I choose, I could-- I could wipe out an entire city." "After all, what is the life of a man compared to the destruction of a whole city?" "I give you seven days." "Seven days." "Okay." "(applause)" "MAN:" "Well done." "Well done." "So, now we wait." "All this to get one cop?" "But we have some of the finest hit men here in Europe." "In this very room." "Yeah." "Why don't we take care of it ourselves, huh?" "Because you wouldn't stand a chance." " Ah, sure." " Aw, come on." " You don't know Clouseau." " He can't be that good." "Good?" "He's not good." "He's terrible." "He's the worst." "There is not any man like him anywhere in the world." "Compared to Clouseau, this Doomsday Machine is-- is just a water pistol." "That's why it will take all the great nations with all of their trained assassins" "and all of their sophisticated murder weapons to eliminate Clouseau." "Taxi, please." "(switchblade snaps)" "This gentleman" " What are you doing?" " That's my case." "(groaning)" "Lucky for you, I am in a hurry." "Otherwise you would have been arrested." "And when it comes to the matter of eliminating Clouseau nobody wants to have anybody else get the credit for it." "It's a matter of national pride." "Well, I think we all agree, don't we, Mr. President, that we simply cannot afford to allow any other country to get hold of Fassbender's machine." "And crazy or not, anyone who has gone to the lengths that Dreyfus has gone to in order to eliminate one man it's reasonable to assume that Dreyfus will smile very kindly on the one who eliminates Inspector Clouseau." "I think that's pretty far-fetched." "Mr. President, if I told you one week ago that the U.N. building would disappear and that a certified lunatic would blackmail the entire" "You made your point." "What do we do?" "Well, Mr. President, Clouseau is in Munich." "Well, I ordered one of our top people to Munich yesterday." " Yesterday?" " Well, just in case." "He's just reported in." "Clouseau has gone to the Oktoberfest." "I wonder if we have enough time before the others act." "Germany's already acted, and bungled it." "According to the latest code transmission twelve countries have got their top assassins in Munich and they're all converging on the Oktoberfest." "My God, it will be like a shooting gallery." "(polka music playing)" "(gun clicks)" "(Click)" "(thud, groaning)" "(buzzer ringing)" "(Click)" " (muffled gunshot) - (groaning)" "(singing along to polka)" "(Click)" "Try one of my pretzels." "They're good." "(thunking)" "(speaking in German)" "What are you doing to this poor, motherless child?" "You great big bully." "(blowing, thwack)" "There, there, little boy." "(thud)" "(muffled gunshots)" "(thudding)" "(door locking)" "(knocking)" "Sir." " I better call the President." " You know what time it is?" "He wants me to call." "Put me in, Coach." "(phone ringing)" "What's the score?" "(phone ringing)" "(phone clatters to floor)" "Yes!" "It's okay." "How many?" "Twenty-six, Mr. President." "Holy cow." "No wonder Dreyfus wants that Clouseau killed." "He's a one-man army." "Who's left?" "Just the Russian and the Egyptian." "(elevator dings)" "(elevator dings)" "(ominous music playing)" "(light clicks off)" "My key, please." "127, please." "(elevator dings, opens)" "(elevator dings, closes)" "(lock rattling)" "(lock rattling)" "(light clicks off)" "(light clicks on)" "(muffled gunshot)" "(clattering)" "(stereo clicks on, romantic music playing))" "(light clicks off)" "Good evening, Inspector Clouseau." "(light clicks off)" "I couldn't sleep, and I just happened to be in the neighborhood." "I hope you don't mind." "You Frenchmen are so romantic." "♪ Thank heaven ♪" "♪ For little girls ♪" "(light clicks off)" "II" "(light clicks on)" "(light clicks on)" "(light clicks off)" "(light clicks on)" "(light clicks off)" "(light clicks on)" "Swine maid." "(light clicks off)" "(light clicks on)" "(light clicks off)" "(light clicks off)" "(shouting)" "(light clicks on)" "Oh, forgive me, darling." "I've just washed my hands." "They must have been freezing." "Freezing?" "Yes, yes." "Something wrong?" "Wrong?" "Oh, no, no." "What could be wrong?" "Then come back to bed." "Yes, yes, of course." "Into the bed, you know." "And take off those so-silly pajamas." "You may rest assured you will never see these so-silly pajamas again." "That I can assure you." "(door shuts)" "WOMAN:" "Darling?" "(light clicks on)" "Yes, I won't be a moment, uh... darling." "WOMAN:" "Hurry, darling." "I'm just going to take a bath." "WOMAN:" "A bath?" "Excuse me." "Yes." "Hello, this is Chief Inspector Clouseau." "There is a beautiful woman in my bed and a dead man in my bath." "WOMAN:" "If you're going to take a bath," "I want to take one with you." "Darling, it's freezing out here." "Let me in." "Madame," "I arrest you for the murder of the man in this bathtub." "What?" "And I must warn you that-- a-- a-- anything you say will be taken down and used in evidence against me." "You." "Who is he?" "I don't know." "He looks familiar." " He looks like you." " Looks like me?" "Tournier, the bank robber." "What is he doing in your bathtub dressed up like you?" "It is a question I could very easily ask you." "But he has been shot and I do not carry a gun." "Obviously not, no." "I am Olga Bariosova." "Until one hour ago, I was a loyal Russian agent under direct order from the presidium to kill you." "(muffled) To kill me?" "I was considered a perfect liquidator because no man had ever been able to involve me emotionally until tonight." "Do you think that you could fall in love with an ex-Russian agent?" "Well, uh, of course, everything is possible, yes." " But you are not the same." " Huh?" "Oh, well, of course, dead men in bathtubs have been known to make quite a difference, you know." "Anyway, this is the man who can lead me to the lunatic Dreyfus, who it is my sworn duty to apprehend." "I, too, had a sworn duty, but I have forsaken it, become traitor, given up everything for you." "With me, it is the duty that comes first." "Oh, make an exception just this once." "I wish that I could." "You can." "I guarantee it." "No, you see, I--." " Oh, look!" "Look!" " What?" "That tattoo." "When I arrested Tournier, he did not have that tattoo." "It looks like the Mondschien crest." "Mondschien?" " Mmmmm." " What is that?" "An infamous family who ruled Bavaria in the 15th century." "I read somewhere that the Mondschien Castle had recently been sold." "You read somewhere that they had sold the castle?" "Fancy them selling the castle, just like that." "The castle!" " Yes." "Dreyfus." " Dreyfus." "He is in the castle." "(clattering, door closing)" "CLOUSEAU:" "Merde." "Farewell." "I am off to Mondschien Castle." "(door closing)" "(hooting in pain)" "Must be getting a cavity." "When can my daughter and I leave?" "When Clouseau is no more, perhaps." "I have done everything you asked." "You've done everything I've asked so far but I have not asked everything." "What you mean is that you have no intention of letting us go." "You plan to continue your reign of terror whether Clouseau is eliminated or not." "I must admit the thought had occurred to me." "You are mad." "And you are redundant, Professor." "Redundant and fallacious." "Madness does not preclude achievement." "You cannot operate the machine without me." "Not yet, but when you have taught me." "And if I refuse to teach you?" "Then, regrettably, I would have to take the matter up with your charming daughter." " What kind of a man are you?" " A madman." " You said so yourself." " Boss!" "Boss!" "(hooting in pain)" "It's true." "When?" "Early this morning, in his hotel room." "(laughing)" "He's dead!" "(laughing)" "He's dead in his hotel bedroom!" "Hurray!" "I'm free!" "(laughing)" "Oh, I'm so happy, Professor." "I'm so" "(screaming)" "(birds chirping)" "(polka music playing)" "Guten tag." "Good day." "My name is Professor Guy Gabroir medieval castle authority from Marseilles." "Tell me, do you have a room?" "I do not know what a "reum" is." "Zimmer." "Ah!" "A room!" "That is what I have been saying, you idiot." "Room." "Zimmer." "Does your dog bite?" "No." "Nice doggy" "(barking, biting)" "I thought you said your dog did not bite." "That is not my dog." "(cuckoo clock chiming)" "II" "(groaning, splashing)" "Swine moat." "(groaning, splashing)" "(drawbridge lowering, splashing)" "(car engine rumbling)" "(drawbridge raising)" "(groaning, splashing)" "II" "(drawbridge lowering)" "(crashing, car engine rumbling)" "(drawbridge raising)" "(chopping, foliage rustling)" "(splashing)" "(splashing)" "Anything I can get you, boss?" "I can't stand it any longer." "Get me a dentist!" "(Water pouring)" "(phone ringing)" "(phone ringing)" "Yeah?" "Yeah." "No, no." "Dr. Schultz lives here but he has gone fishing." "Yeah." "I don't know." "Yeah." "I will tell him." "Did I hear you say a doctor lives here?" "He's a doctor and a dentist." "He made mein teeth for me." "They want him up at the castle." "Up at the castle?" "Where can I find him?" "Hmm?" "Dr. Schultz has gone fishing." "He probably won't be back until" "Show me his zimmer." " Hmm?" " His room!" "(horn honking)" "(horn honking)" "Hello!" "It's Dr. Schultz from the village, you know." "(drawbridge lowering)" " (drawbridge raising) - (yelping, horn honking)" "(crashing)" "Oh, excuse me, sir." " Dr. Schultz is here." " Where?" "Ah, here, Doctor." "Please hurry." "I am in agony." "Guten tag!" "(speaking in German)" "All will be well soon." "(crashing)" " Did you hurt yourself?" " Yes." "The bone." "I can set it later." " Please hurry." " First of all, I will need some hot water and towels." "Get some hot water, Harry." "And lock the door." " I don't want to be disturbed." " And lock the door, Harry." "He does not wish to be disturbed, you know." "Please, Doctor, hurry." "I can't stand the pain." "Yes, yes, yes." "Yes." "Now, then, let me see." " Ow." " What?" "My eye." "Your eye?" "I thought it was your tooth." "But it is my tooth!" "I wish you would make your mind up." "I don't normally make castle calls in the middle of the night, you know." "Doctor." "Wait while I..." "Yes, that's..." "There it is." "Now, open wide, please." "Now, let me see." "Tell me when this hurts." " Is it that one?" " unh-unh." " Is it that one?" " (groaning)" " Ah, is it that one?" " (screaming)" "Ah, there is the naughty one." " Are you going to pull it?" " Pull it'?" "Yes, of course I will pull it." "Yes, yes, yes, yes." "Please give me something to put me out." "Put you out?" "Yes." "Here, first you must wear this special anesthetic cotton wool, you know." "Wear it over the eyes." "On no account look out from under the anesthetic cotton because that will ruin the whole effect of the anesthetic on the eyes." "You want me to hold it like that?" "Hold it like that on the eyes while I get some..." "Please hurry, Doctor." "I" " I can't stand the pain." "Yes." "Coming soon." "(metal scraping on stone)" "What are you doing?" "Just rearranging the furniture in order to give you the full effect of the anesthetic." "Please, doctor, I'm in agony!" "Not for much longer." ". (yelling) - (crashing)" "That was hell down there." "What's wrong?" "Whoever built this house put the stairs in the wrong place." "Do you mean you-- you-- you fell down the stairs?" "I was, uh, preoccupied with the anesthetic, you know." "It's really hot in here, isn't it'?" "Hot in here." "Now, the, uh... anesthetic." ""Nitrous oxide."" "(hissing)" "What's that?" "That is the-- the anesthetic, you know." "Oh, good." "(chuckling)" "Yes, it is good, yes." "Yes." "(breathing deeply)" "Please, Doctor." "The pain is getting worse." "Please, hurry up." "A few whiffs of this, and you won't feel a thing." "(laughing)" " All right." " Now, breathe deeply." "(laughing)" " How's that?" " It's fine." "How do you feel?" "(laughing)" "A little-- a little dizzy." "(laughing)" " What's so funny?" " I don't know." "Nothing." " Then why are you laughing?" " I don't know." " Why are you laughing?" " Because I" " I can't help it." "(both laughing)" "Yes." "(door opens)" "I love it." " Come on." " It's gonna hurt." "Good." "Lovely." "(both laughing)" "I will have to use more leverage." "(both laughing)" " (metallic click) - (clunking)" "I don't know what you gave me, Doctor but it's giving me hallucinations." "Your whole-- your whole face has changed." "It has?" "(both laughing)" "How's this?" "Grotesque!" "(both laughing)" " Boss!" " (bowl clattering)" "We just got word, boss." "Clouseau is still alive." "(laughing)" "I knew it!" "(laughing)" "He-- he has pulled the wrong tooth!" "(laughing)" "There's only one man who would pull the wrong tooth." "(laughing)" "It's Clouseau!" "(laughing)" "Kill him!" "(laughing)" "Kill him!" "(laughing)" "(door closes, locks)" "(thumping)" "(laughing)" "Get Fassbender and his daughter into the control room." "What about Clouseau?" "Priorities." "First I will pick a target." "Then Clouseau." "(laughing)" "(door creaking open)" "II" "Now we'll see who has the last laugh." "They've all betrayed me, and now they will have to pay." "What shall I destroy?" "Buckingham Palace?" "Too small." "How about London?" "Not big enough." "England!" "Yes, England." "♪ Good-bye, Piccadilly ♪" "♪ Farewell, Leicester Square ♪" "You are just in time, Professor." "Within five minutes, I shall destroy England." "England!" "(laughing)" "No more cricket." "(laughing)" "No more warm beer, Professor." "No more fish and chips." "No more" "(crashing)" "(glass breaking)" "(Splat)" "England!" "(rooster crowing)" "(grunting)" "(screaming)" "(hissing)" "(laser firing)" "Do something." "You brought it on yourself." "It's too late." "DREYFUS:" "Wait!" "Do something!" "Come-- come back!" "Help me!" "Look!" "(laughing)" "You've gotta help me." "Help, Professor!" "Help!" "(explosions)" "(explosions continue)" "(engines revving)" "(splashing)" "(splashing)" "(drawbridge raising)" " (screaming) - (splashing)" "(explosion)" "("Tiptoe Through The Tulips" plays on pipe organ)" "(explosions continue in background)" "(electronic whine)" "(birds cawing)" "(door creaking open)" "Cato, my little yellow friend, I'm home." "Cato." "Cato?" "(chimes jingling)" "I gave Cato the night off." "But what has happened to my room?" "("Come To Me" by Tom Jones playing)" "♪ Come to me ♪" "♪ And the world will be ours tonight ♪" "♪ Make me yours ♪" "♪ Come and hold me tight ♪" "♪ I must have you ♪" "♪ Come closer ♪" "♪ Love me now ♪" "♪ And I'll give all I've got to give ♪" "♪ Make it soon so that I can live ♪" "♪ And love ♪" "♪ And dream for two ♪" "♪ I'm here and I'll stay here ♪" "♪ For at least forevermore ♪" "♪ Oh, darling, can't you see ♪" "♪ I want you loving me ♪" "♪ I need you, come to me ♪" "♪ And we'll walk in the sun each day ♪" "♪ Summer will be a kiss away ♪" "♪ Just wait and see ♪" "♪ Oh, what a moment that will be ♪" "♪ When you come to me ♪" "Darling?" "(Clouseau chuckling)" " OLGA:" "Darling." " Oh." "CLOUSEAU:" "My darling." "Oh." "OLGA:" "Darling, sing to me." "CLOUSEAU:" "Sing to you?" "Oh." "CLOUSEAU: (singing) ♪ Come to me ♪" "♪ And the world ♪" "♪ It will be ours tonight ♪" "Darling?" "Darling?" "Darling!" "Where did you go?" " Your voice?" " Yes, that was my voice." "That was my voice singing a-- a little song we used to sing in the Resistance to keep up the courage." "Was it hard for you in the Resistance?" "Very hard, but not as hard as it is now." "OLGA:" "Darling, relax." "Resistance is over." "CLOUSEAU:" "My darling." " My beautiful darling." " (Cato yelling)" " What?" " (Olga yelping)" "Cato!" "You imbecile, not now, Cato!" "("Come To Me" by Tom Jones continues)" "(wall shattering)" "(splashing)" "♪♪" "(Pink Panther theme)" "("Jaws" theme playing)" "(Pink Panther theme)"