"Yeah, there were a lot of calls, but I hung up on half of them." "Cos I couldn't understand a word." "Mom, I'm not kidding - you should hear the way some people talk here." "How can you have a conversation with someone who doesn't use consonants?" "So now there's going to be, like, six of them." "Well, I think it's a really good way to meet, y'know, people who can... read." "Oh, my God." "Mom, this guy in a wheelchair is outside." "Oh, God, I told him on the phone I didn't have an elevator." "I have to go." "I think he might sue me or something." "I'll call you later." "No, I'm sure it's safe." "Mom, goodbye." "Damn it." "Hello?" "'Hello?" "I'm here for the book group.'" "'It's all right, I brought my brothers.'" "Ohh..." "One there... ah, that's it." " There y'are." " Cheers." " Great book." " Oh, good... the book." "You... you read the book?" "Great." "I have to say that as a single woman, it's really uncomfortable to have three strange men in my apartment." "So maybe the ones who aren't staying should leave?" "Oh." "Pals, see ya in a few hours, right?" " Oh aye, no bother." " Cheers." "D'you have a sitting room, Claire?" "Yeah." "Sure." " Yeah." " Hell of a strong wind." "Mmm." " Is it you and me then?" " Is what?" " Shall we start talking?" " Oh, God... no." "There's supposed to be way more people." " Oh, right." " So save your energy." "Right." "Hi!" "Hi." "So, I think there are a few more to come." " Who are you guys?" " I am Dirka." "Excuse me." " Did you like the book?" " Oh, it's great." " Everyone." "This is Robert." " Rab." "It's just..." "Rab." "Right." "Well..." "I guess we should probably start." "Maybe we should go around the circle and say something about ourselves." "I'm Claire and I'm from Cincinnati, Ohio - the Buckeye State." "Which is a big city, even if you've never heard of it." "And don't tell me you've been to Disney World" " OK, you next." " Oh." "Hi, I'm Kenny." "I live in Scotstoun, I work in the leisure centre there." "And..." "I used to climb quite a bit." "Now I do a bit of racing in the chair and..." "I like listening to music..." "and that's me really." " All right, Kenny." "Good on yer, big man." " Do you mind if I smoke?" "Yeah." "OK." "Er..." "I am Dirka." "And I am not smoking." "Which will be, like, her first time ever!" "I did public relations in Stockholm before now." "Yes, I'm Fist and I'm from Holland." "I study economy and sociology in Rotterdam." "I'm Janice and I'd like to be a television presenter." "My hobbies include golf, tennis and the outdoors." " Hello, everyone, I'm Rab." " Wait." "How do you know each other?" "Our husbands know each other." "Claire, shall I put the kettle on?" " On what?" " The others might want a cup of tea." "Oh." "I mean, if anyone wants a drink just help yourself." "If you're thirsty just say so." "So, does everyone want tea?" "Yes." "Hi." "I'm so sorry I'm late." "You must be Claire." " I'm Barney." " Oh, yeah, the English guy." "Well, I'm Scottish." "I imagine the nuances of British accents can be confusing." " Not really, you just sound English." " Right." "Can I use your loo?" "The toilet has this strange handle on it." "Let me show you." " You pull down on this thing." " Oh, yeah, fine." " You've seen one like this before?" " They're standard in these tenements." "Really?" "Originally the toilet would have been outside." " Cool." " Yeah." "Sorry." "It's so inspiring, y'know." "You getting around and all." " No choice, you just get on with it." " Good on yer, big man." "Everyone, this is Barney." " Hi." " Hi." " Brought some biscuits as well, Claire." " God, you guys eat cookies all the time." "They're all Scottish varieties." "Like one?" "So does anyone take an interest in nutrition?" " We were just introducing ourselves." " Right." "Does everyone have tea who wants tea?" "Good idea, break the ice." "Well, I'm Barney, I'm a graduate student at the uni." "I'm doing a PhD on Garcia Marquez." "Christ, an expert." "When I saw your card in the bookshop, I thought "Why not?" "A fresh perspective."" " Wow, that's really patronising." " Uh, no." "Not at all." " Can we talk about the book?" " Good one, Dirka, the book." "Since I was picking I thought we should read the Great American Novel." " These are magic." " You need a wee pick-up at this hour." "Some think it's Catcher In The Rye or The Great Gatsby..." "Met Fist." "Bart, je hebt me vandaag al zes keer over dat feest verteld." "Ja, ik ben goed aangekleed, je hebt me toch drie uur voor de spiegel zien staan!" "Dat weet ik, maar het hangt me gewoon een beetje de keel uit!" "Oke, ik ga ophangen." " Sorry." " Right." "On The Road is the Great American Novel for me." " I notice it's still a best-seller here." " Is that right?" "I'd never heard of it." "I should say this now." "Could everyone turn off their cellphones because this is meant to be a discussion group." "Maybe we could go around the room and give a response to the book." "Kenny, you start." "Well, I have to tell you I was absolutely... blown away by it." "Thing is, Kenny, it'd be good to hear why you couldn't put it down." "Because it was such a bloody brilliant book." "Kenny, why was it such a good book?" "Well, the guy writing about the guy in the car?" "And how he got all the girls and all that..." "Davey my brother, the good-looking one." "We once took an overnight train to Fort William, just for a wee holiday." "Just Davey and myself." "And, er..." "Ended up staying in a bothy in Glencoe." "It was brilliant weather, sun in the mountains..." "Buachaille Etive Mor... stunning." "There were a couple of girls from Troon there." "They were nice." "And that's all I can really say about that." " That was beautiful." " Mm." " I agree with Kenny." " What?" "No." "But that's not the point." "The point is appreciating the vibe." "And I agree with Kenny." "Well..." "I thought it was a lovely book." "Was there anything you didn't like, Janice?" " I haven't been to the States myself, so..." " Right." "I'm not sure I'm the right person to ask." "But I am interested to hear what others think." "Contestant number two." " It's really friendly." " Everybody talks to you." "I guess." " Is your husband Scottish?" " I don't have a husband." " Did you come here on your own?" " Hm-mm." " Aren't you brave." " No men...?" "I thought it was a seminal work" "I'll make some more tea." " So, you're Jackie's wife." " How do you know that?" "I've seen your pictures in the paper." "He's having a good season, eh?" " He likes this manager." " He knows how to pick a team, eh?" "He's not worried about another groin pull." "Doing his physiotherapy and all." " Aye." " What's it you do, Rab?" "Oh, my God." "More hot water." "Wow." " So finally the bus arrives." " Yeah." "All I can think is there's a grocery store near where I want to go." "But I can't recall the Swedish for grocery store." "So, I get on the bus and think..." " Mjolk, brod, ost, frukt." " That's fantastic!" "God only knows how I ever made it back to Oxford." "I'll take that as a compliment." " I wanted to do a PhD." " Why didn't you?" "Personal history." "Are you gay?" "Not that it's anyone's business, but no." " Just curious." " Anyone need a top-up?" " Do I look gay?" " You look very masculine." "Talking about the last chapter?" "I didn't get that far." "No." "Barney is not gay." "Why don't we go round the group and discuss our sexual preference?" "Kenny, you start." "Well, I'm straight." "I haven't had a girlfriend in a while, not since..." "Hello?" "I was being ironic." "I can't think of anything more awful than people discussing their sexuality." " So, Kerouac." " Yes!" "The book!" " We are talking about the book." " Rab..." "Why don't you read us your favourite bit?" " My favourite bit?" " Yeah." " You never said this on the phone." " It's not like homework." " You should've said so." " Forget it, Rab." " I do have favourite bits..." " Janice?" " I'm not sure I'm ready..." " I haven't had time to choose..." " Lighten up already!" " What did she say?" " Can I say why it didn't work for me?" " Go on." "Let's play dump on the book." "Stupid, stupid..." "I'd like to meet the author." "Just imagine if he could join us now and tell us what his book was really about." "Mr Kerouac... fill me in." "But so what?" "It's got no structure." "Yeah, it swings to the rhythms of '50s underground America." "But really, it's a drugs diary." "Kerouac was on Benzedrine the whole time." " He thinks if something comes to mind..." " At the game on Saturday?" "No." "I watch at home - I get too nervous if I'm there." "I thought the Hearts defence wasn't that bad for once." " No, they were OK." " The new Italian is pretty good, eh?" "Are you guys discussing sports in a book group?" " Sorry, Claire." " Have a sports discussion but call it a sports discussion group." "This is a book group." "If you're bored, say." "I'm bored." "Barney's been talking for 15 minutes." " I didn't mean to ramble." " At least he's contributing." " At least he read the damn book." " You think I cannae read?" " 'T'!" " Wha'?" "There is a'T' at the end of "can't"!" "And at the end of "what"!" "It's there for a reason." "Aye, it's on the end of cunt as well." "Rab!" "I've got something to show you." " Let's forget about the book altogether." " I have more to say about the book." "Did I inhibit the discussion?" "I tried to keep it going." "Let's hear Fis..." "Fist!" "all they can do is drive back and forth." "They don't know where to go so they keep moving." " Wait a minute." " He's only happy in Mexico." " He loves Chicago." " Yes!" "Chicago is not in Mexico." "He loves America." "The book is all about how much he loves America." " God, you guys." " Claire, we're not attacking you." " Have a biscuit, Claire." " Do you have an eating disorder?" "Why are we talking about America?" "This could be anywhere." " Come on!" " If it was in Scotland..." " it would be a shorter book." " Can I read something?" "Do you think Great Expectations..." "Whoa!" "Kenny's trying to talk." "Sorry." "Kenny?" "I wasn't going to do this but..." "I looked up Kerouac on the internet and I found this list." "He wrote a list of rules for writing." "This is brilliant, this..." "Thing is, Kenny," " it would be good if you read it out loud." " Ach, no, it's too long." " Go on." " Well, maybe some of my favourites." ""Be in love with your life." That's great, isn't it?" "Him saying that about writing." "Beautiful." ""Be submissive to everything - open, listening..." ""try to never get drunk outside your own house."" "Aye, that's a good one, that one." ""Accept loss forever."" "This is the best - "You're a genius ALL the time."" " I've got that on the leisure centre wall." " He was a poet." " That's it, it's all poetry." " Good on yer, big man." "Oh!" " Break a nail?" " I forgot." " Are we done?" " I do have to skedaddle." "I'm sorry but I think my husband's waiting." "Oh... nice wheels." "I didn't want to interrupt but it's a necessary social engagement." " What book are we reading next?" " Maybe I should choose some Marquez." "Maybe no, Barney" " I'll choose the book." "I could have a wee think tonight and give you all a call." " I would like to choose." " If you choose, you host." " Can we meet at yours?" " Of course." " Brilliant!" " I'll bake something." " Great, I'll boil water." " Now you have to pick the book, Dirka." "My Swedish cousin tells me of this special book " "He Who Makes Base Metals Becomes Gold." "Is that like a manual?" "She's making a mistranslation." "It's The Alchemist." " Oh, Christ." " Problem, Barney?" "Seriously, Claire?" "The Alchemist?" "A New Age fable that's been taken up as some kind of self-help for..." "Don't say anything." "I cannae read anything if I know the plot." " Honestly, it's just faux-na'i'f..." " La la la la la la..." " Celestine Prophecy meets Harry Potter." " .." "la la la la la la..." " Oh, for Christ's sake." " .." "la la la la la la." " Where d'you live, hen?" " Vincent Drive in Milngavie." " What number?" " There isn't a number." " Will the big man be there?" " Maybe." " What big man?" " Her husband!" "Shall we adjourn?" "Can I just say something?" "This has been smashing, pals." "It's gonna be a great team." " Lovely." " Bye." "Bye." "Claire." "They're all married to professional footballers." "Oh, soccer?" "You can make a living at that?" "Yeah." "That'll be my brothers." "Bye, Kenny." "Bye, Rab." "Oh, right." "All the best till next month, right?" " It's quite a group." "You've done well." " Really?" " So, what made you decide to...?" " Meeting people." "I should make a move." "Do you wanna have sex?" " With you?" " Yeah." " No." " OK." "I mean, perhaps sometime in the future when I know you better and it's a more relaxed atmosphere" " and it seems... appropriate." " OK." "Well... that was, er, that was very interesting." " Did I bring a hat?" " Erm..." "I don't think so." "No, OK." "Right." "Home." "It was really, really nice to have met you." " Bye." " Bye." "Shit." "Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit." "That did not just happen." "No..." "I don't know how to do it..." "I don't know how to do it." "Seven months with no fucking." "Seven fucking months with no fucking fucking!" "Nobody... wants me." "Oh, God." " Hi, we're here for Kenny?" " But I thought he already..." "It takes me a wee while." " All right, Ken?" " Just go round the corner here." " Have fun?" " Aye, it was all right." "It was fine." "Here we go." "One, two..." "Somewhere" "It's written in a book that I've read" "Sometimes" "It's written just the way that you said" "The book that I read"