"Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You." "I'm Frank Skinner." "In the news this week trouble might be brewing as Boris Johnson and Jeremy Clarkson set off on their weekend away in Buenos Aires." "Some viewers are starting to notice a slight change in tone since Jeremy Paxman left Newsnight." "LATIN MUSIC PLAYS" "And, despite all the revelations in his latest book, CCTV reveals that soccer hard man Roy Keane has one more guilty secret." "On Ian's team is a man who got off his sick bed to be here tonight." "That's a sentence that weeks ago would have inspired admiration, but now just inspires abject terror." "Please welcome Nick Robinson." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "And with Paul tonight is a comedian whose father was the vocalist with '70s pop group Flintlock." "How nice that there's someone from vintage" "Top Of The Pops that we can actually refer to." "Please welcome Sara Pascoe." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "And we start with the bigger stories of the week." "Ian and Nick, take a look at this." "This is the great victory of the new MP for Clacton, who's very pleased and is in fact the old MP for Clacton." "But David Cameron is very relaxed about UKIP, I want you to know." "I mean, he used to call them loonies, fruitcakes, closet racists." "He's completely relaxed about them which is why in the last few weeks he's offered you £10 billion in unfunded tax cuts, promised to leave the EU if they don't change the core principle of freedom of movement." "He didn't offer me £10 billion." "He would, Frank, if you'd asked." "You got me mixed up with Jimmy Carr." "So, here are..." "I'm old enough to remember when that would have been a Ken Dodd joke." "They come and they go." "It's a new broom." "It's changed everything, really." "And partly as a result of his election, we're going to see a lot more of UKIP." "So, how did that one UKIP MP arrive in the House of Commons?" "To complete silence." "Yes." "There was a generosity of spirit extended to UKIP from both sides of the House." "Dead quiet." "It says here it was "stony silence" when he walked in." "According to the Express," ""he exchanged something with Michael Gove." Do you know what that was?" "Fluids?" "According to the Express, Douglas Carswell and Michael Gove exchanged..." "Michael Gove, this is the plus of not having a chin - you can do a really deep nod." "His head virtually folded completely over." "Why are the Tories more confident about the Rochester by-election than they were in Clacton?" "Cos they've learnt nothing." "No, apparently," "Mark Reckless doesn't have nearly enough charisma as Douglas Carswell." "Here's Carswell being very charismatic with two selfie hunters." "Selfie, selfie." "Wahey!" "He's holding the phone far too high up for a Tory MP." "It's why he's changed party, obviously." "Who was found celebrating UKIP's success in a massage parlour recently?" "The lovely Tina." "UKIP MEP Roger Helmer." "He was followed by the Sun into a discreet gentleman's retreat in Lutterworth." "The Sun asked him:" "He said..." "She works here." "He said:" "I like the idea that he's not going to tip her off before the papers." "SARA:" "Don't ruin the surprise." ""Just going to get a paper, darling."" "Lovely." "UKIP attract some lively characters." "The guy who said that women were the people who ought to clean up behind the fridge actually left UKIP this week." "On the grounds it was too politically correct." "SARA:" "What?" "Godfrey Bloom." "And where will he go, then?" "Top Gear." "Is it time for the further adventures of Brooks Newmark?" "Always." "I love Brooks Newmark." "Do you?" "Yeah." "You as well." "Yep." "I feel really sorry for him." "I feel, like, number one, you look at him and you feel he's just such a pathetic middle-aged man that thought this attractive young woman was interested in him and it actually ended up being this creepy male journalist." "And I thought that's what should happen - all creepy male politicians should be paired up with creepy male journalists." "They just send each other sexy pictures and no women have to be involved whatsoever." "It's containment." "But the further adventures involve real women... getting involved with the creepy middle-aged man." "Here we go, we have some of his texts, actually." "We left him with his penis poking out of paisley pyjamas, which is disgusting but I do like the alliteration." "So he's texting a different woman and he asks her to send him a naughty photo, and these are the actual texts." "She says:" "He says:" "Him again:" "And then he changes the tone slightly:" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Here is Mr Newmark." "AUDIENCE GROAN" "It's an old-fashioned selfie because he's in the mirror." "According to the Sun they have other pictures that are unfit to print." "Presumably where he's not wearing that mohair jumper." "You know when they some politicians are Teflon?" "This one's actually Velcro." "It's also emerged that his wife has left him." "Hardly surprising." "Look - he's left the seat up again." "Which other Tory has had to issue an apology this week?" "Lord Freud." "Yes, Lord Freud, who said that some disabled people were" ""not worth paying the minimum wage"" "and some people with mental disabilities should be paid as little as..." "How did he change his tune after David Cameron threatened him with the sack?" "He thought they should be paid the minimum wage." "What he actually said was:" "OK, so who was encouraging people to vote, regardless of their political views this week?" "SARA:" "Johnny Rotten." "It was" " John Lydon, as he now likes to be called." "He told the Cheltenham Literary Festival..." "LAUGHTER" "He said:" "Are you allowed to vote?" "Yeah." "Some of my colleagues don't vote." "Some political correspondents don't vote." "People who work for the Reader's Digest can't take part in the Grand Sweep." "It's not like that." "Me voting is a like you doing your homework at school." "You sort of do this." "I think it's normally in fairly private booths, isn't it?" "Yeah." "How do you normally vote?" "With a paint brush?" "It's a secret ballot." "You must have come across this in your political study." "You must vote." "Surely you've got to set us all an example." "It's important to vote." "I do vote but there are colleagues of mine who refuse to vote because they think it would force them to choose." "SARA:" "Would that be the same with football commentators?" "Football commentators might not have a team that they support, just in case it sounds like they're more pleased when they score a goal." "Yeah, or football referees." "Do they support teams?" "Yes." "They do?" "They support the opposition team, in my experience." "Ed Miliband had a bad week." "Which week are we on?" "That's actually printed on these cards rather than written." "Ed Miliband had a bad week but was staunchly defended by former minister Jack Straw." "Do you know what he said?" "It was good of Jack Straw to rush to his leader's aid." "He said he's got panda eyes and weird lips." "What he said was:" "You have to say it about people who've got panda eyes and strange lips." "And also the thing of insulting someone while you're trying to stick up for them." "It's like taking your son down the school and going, "He's fat and ugly but stop bullying him."" "There was an ICM poll that told the Sunday Telegraph:" "And added:" "That's why Gordon Brown's come out, really." "It's to help him." "Gordon Brown's come out?" "Gordon Brown's emerged from the darkness as a sort of reminder to people." "He says, "There is a Labour leader that you like more than me."" "To be fair to Ed Miliband there was a poll in America about unpopularity of politicians - cos politicians are unpopular everywhere - which, asked to compare people running for Congress in the midterm elections, the voters decided that they preferred, on balance, head lice..." "..to candidates for Congress." "Perhaps Miliband should go to America, then." "What, on a kind of head lice strategy?" "On any strategy." "How do people expect Ed to perform in the TV debates?" "As he was talking they're training up head lice in secret rooms." "They'll dash on in an emergency." ""I think what my friend actually meant here was..."" "It'll be like that." "Well, one person told Channel 4 News that expectations of Ed Miliband were so low that..." "Meanwhile, who did Ed Miliband meet at an award ceremony organised by gay magazine Attitude this week?" "He met Danny Dyer." "He had researched EastEnders beforehand so that he could look like he knew about things." "And he went, "The actor who played Ben Mitchell has changed five times."" "And Danny Dyer was like, "What?" And he's like," ""Oh, sorry, I've never seen it."" "Danny told the Sun that, on meeting Ed Miliband:" "Perhaps the best overview of the state of the parties and their leaders was given in the Mail On Sunday this week." "In order of merit, people were asked to rank the party leaders on who they would trust to..." "PAUL LAUGHS" "That's amazing they would trust Cameron to babysit." "Cos he left his daughter in the pub." "I like the idea of really trusting Farage to fix a shelf, rather than the other guys." ""They'll probably get someone Polish to do it."" "He'll do it himself." "I was at a poster unveiling with Nigel Farage." "He was unveiling a poster that said, "Whose jobs are they coming for?"" "So I said to Mr Farage," ""Why do you employ a German woman as your secretary?"" "He wasn't best pleased, actually." "No." "And you didn't stop asking the question." "I asked it quite a lot of times." "You did." "I watched it quite a lot of times." "He likes to make jokes of everything." "If you just keep asking the same question it's a bit hard for him to make a joke of it." "But that's an old journalistic technique, to keep hitting them over and over with it." "I say it's an old journalistic technique..." "Come on, Nick, is it or isn't it?" "Oh, so you won't answer?" "Guilty then." "Would you like to see an example of how Boris Johnson deals with questions from journalists?" "Yes!" "OK, good." "Thank you." "We'll put that one to one side." "Just one other thing, if I may." "Mayor Johnson!" "Mayor Johnson!" "Yes, this is the countdown to the general election and the news that Nigel Farage has been invited to take part in a televised debate." "Lord Freud got into trouble this week for saying that people with disabilities should only get £2 an hour." "I wonder how much" "Oscar Pistorius is going to get for sewing those mail bags." "AUDIENCE GROAN AND LAUGH" "Look, either groan or laugh, you can't do both." "LAUGHTER" "He hasn't been sentenced yet, has he?" "Yeah, but when this goes out we'll be fine." "Somebody was saying he shouldn't go to prison cos it can be quite a dangerous place." "Not as dangerous as his bathroom, perhaps." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Paul and Sara, take a look at this." "This is clearly a man sneezing." "Ah, yes." "Small story this week about the man who obsessively records every time he sneezes, writes it down in a book, what he was doing when he sneezes..." "What about when you have that bit where you think you're going to sneeze but you don't, what does he do?" "Double jeopardy." "I don't know." "It's a cliff-hanger, tune in next week." "Yes, this is the man who records his own sneezes." "He's called Peter Fletcher from Birmingham." "He's been recording his sneezes since 2007 but has only just come to the attention of the main news media." "Here's an example from his blog." "He numbers each sneeze, logs where it took place, and how powerful it was." "Could be the new shipping forecast." ""Lidl, Kings Heath, moderate."" "Why haven't we heard of this man before?" "Well, it's fundamentally a very boring thing to do." "He says:" "Can't he just go on Twitter?" "Isn't this what people record?" "I don't know, I'm not on Twitter." "Is that what it is, sneezing mainly?" "Yeah, guys, sneezing." "That's why it's so popular." "We could use Fletcher's detailed analytic approach right now." "How sophisticated, for example, is the screening plan for UK airline arrivals who might have Ebola?" "David Cameron has told us there's going to be screening at airports, and what that has ended up being is some posters put up in airports saying "Do you have Ebola?" ""Please let us know."" "Or maybe the guy's standing there with the guys waiting for people with their taxi - "Ebola?"" "There was a guy who'd come from Sierra Leone via Liberia and he said that their plane was greeted by an official saying," ""I'm here to check for Ebola." And then shaking everybody's hand." "HE SNEEZES" "Sorry, it's just a cold." ""Sneeze 475 on Have I Got News For You." ""Best contribution to the show so far."" "What's Fiona Bruce's big wallet - Big wallet?" "She's got a big wallaby, I know that." "She keeps it in a cupboard." "I don't know why she's still on TV cos she keeps this wallaby trapped in her cupboard." "It's been there for about six weeks." "The RSPCA are banging down the door but she won't let them in." "She's on the Antiques Roadshow, this wallaby's trying to learn English so it can communicate the desperation of its situation." "I feel bad about saying this properly now." "What is Fiona Bruce's big Ebola worry?" "Ah." "That her wallaby might get it." "He's in a cupboard." "Fiona Bruce was on the front page of the Sun saying that she was worried about make-up artists cos people are arriving at the news, and they could have Ebola, and the make-up artist would then get all the Ebola in their make-up brushes" "and then put it all on Fiona Bruce." "So she's worried." "Cos who's going to feed the wallaby..." "Exactly!" "..when she's in hospital?" "I'll end up doing it, I suppose." "American health experts think they'd have found a cure for Ebola by now if spending on research hadn't been cut." "Who's noble plan was thwarted?" "Was it Bush's?" "It was." "It was George W Bush who was a great champion of Ebola research." "Do you think we may feel that history has been unkind to George Bush?" "No." "OK." "George Bush said on a news conference..." "He looked at me and I was looking a bit red cos we were out in the sun." "He said, "He's got Ebola."" "He said, "Next time you should cover your bald head."" "It's good advice." "Mm." "You knew, didn't you?" "Yeah." "I mean, you did know about it." "It's not like your family had kept it from you." ""What do you mean bald?" "Hold on a minute..."" ""I just thought my hair was transparent." Exactly!" "Who's hoping to cash in on Ebola and quite a few other killer diseases?" "Companies selling people kits that you can wear at home." "The Ebola onesie." "No, this is even more cynical." "Jon Schultz, he buys up the domain names of deadly diseases, and as the hits on the website increase he sells them" "And he's really pinning his hopes on another one that he owns." "Crikey!" "There have been quite a few false alarms already." "Who has had to deny that they've got Ebola?" "This is sports-themed." "Was it someone who signed up Ebola thinking it's a footballer?" "It's actually the footballer..." "Honestly!" "But he hasn't got it any more?" "No, exactly." "They think that he changed his Twitter handle - you don't know cos you're not on Twitter - people, before Halloween, they do their name but they make it scary." "So I might be Scara Pascoe." "People do that." "It's a lot of fun on there, guys." "It's not just sneezes." "Paul Bearer." "Very good." "Ian Brady." "Too far!" "It's just a bit of fun." "It's just a bit of fun." "Blimey!" "You know, I'd have bet against him getting a name check tonight." "How have we been preparing for a possible Ebola outbreak?" "They've actually staged a full-scale emergency drill with actors pretending to fall ill with Ebola-like symptoms." "Oh, I wish I'd seen that." "Out of work actors." "Shakespearian actors." ""I feel a plague in my nose!" ""I have returned from the land of the dark man." ""Are these chocolates duty free?"" "According to the Mail On Sunday:" "This is Saturday in Gateshead town centre." "There's an element of Where's Wally?" "The Ebola virus is transmitted from person to person via a number of bodily fluids including:" "Blimey, I better change these pants." "Some companies are cashing in on the Ebola virus crisis." "For instance, for $12.99 you can get one of these." "The Ebola thong." "If you find yourself in bed with someone wearing one of those," "Ebola's about eighth on the list of diseases you've got to worry about." "Ebola hat, that's what they should have gone for." "And so to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "BELL RINGS" "It's Kim." "It is." "He's back." "With shoes." "Yes, Kim Jong-un, the North Korean leader." "Yeah, everyone thought he was dead or he'd been murdered or they'd made his sister supreme leader." "Cos he hadn't been seen in public and they said he'd been eating too much cheese, and he couldn't walk." "But now he's back again and he looks really terrible, actually." "He's lost a bit of weight, no?" "Yeah, that's what they said about his uncle when they cut his head off." "Do you know the full range of theories as to why he's been away?" "We've mentioned a few, any others?" "Gout." "Gout was one." "Diabetes." "Diabetes another." "He was helping out with the Clacton by-election." "That is one of the theories." "Who was he canvassing for?" "The Mail Online said..." "Now we're talking." "Top source." "They said:" "Whilst the Daily Star went that one step further, reporting that Kim had allegedly..." "Who said he was "too cheesy."" "SARA:" "He did speak out about - he wanted Scotland to be independent, didn't he?" "Did he?" "Yeah." "So maybe he's been in Glasgow." "You got accused of political bias, I believe." "In Scotland?" "Yes." "Yes, there was a sort of warm welcome..." "You shouldn't really have adopted a nickname of "The Liar."" "They're using that against you there, you see." "If you ever pursue a professional darts career..." "Nick "The Liar" Robinson would be great on the back of a shirt." "You know when they come out to music at the beginning?" "MUSIC:" "Little Lies by Fleetwood Mac" "# Tell me lies â™ª Tell me, tell me lies... â™ª" "There were people at events singing - and I'm going to sing this, forgive me..." "Or even better if you sang it." "You can stick the licence fee..." "Up your arse?" "Indeed." "I love a multiple choice." "There was a report in the Telegraph about a rally in Perth." "Yes." "And it says "the mood turned ugly after Nick Robinson briefly appeared" ""on a balcony."" "We've all had gigs like that, Nick." "They should have rung you, actually, cos comics are very good at putdowns." "You know you do putdowns for the audience if someone heckles you." "That's only if one person doesn't like you, not everyone." "Was there any... any basis, do you think, for that?" "Somebody in the audience just said yes." "I think it was a lively and vigorous campaign, Frank." "I do." "You were quite obviously asking Alex Salmond a question which he didn't know the answer to." "And I'd like to apologise for that now." "He said you heckled him." "He did, yeah, cos I said he didn't answer the question and..." "What was the question?" "Why should voters trust you, a politician, rather than businessmen who say independence might cause one of two problems?" "It's like you're suggesting businessmen should totally be trusted." "Is that the case?" "No, no, no, I just thought it might be interesting to hear his views on their views, really." "But do you think there's any justification at all, seriously?" "Are we doing that?" "This has become Points Of View." "Sorry I asked you the same question twice, Nick(!" ")" "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "BUZZER" "SARA:" "Richard III?" "Yeah." "They dug him up and now they're burying him again." "They found him under a car park, didn't they?" "Under the letter R." "It's an incredible story." "Philippa Langley had an odd feeling that Richard III might be buried in a car park in Leicester." "A year later she went back to the site and the feeling returned, although this time..." "For years and years she was going, "Sure he's down there, there's an R." ""Why else would it be there?"" "And they were like, "Restricted parking."" "She's like, "No, that's too easy."" "People had so much fun looking for him why don't they hide him again?" "Yeah." "In 100 years' time..." ""Hang on, I was in Lidl, I saw this R on the floor."" "Doesn't seem to be a recent story." "They found his remains and they're going to bury him." "The story is that they think that it shouldn't be done with pomp and ceremony." "Should he have a state funeral?" "No." "It's either him or Blair." "Chuck 'em in together." "Why wait till he dies?" "He's going to get..." "Jimmy Savile actually had three days lying in state." "SILENCE" "Just saying." "I think they're wise to have let a little bit of time pass this time." "Do you think there are any shows on the BBC at Christmas about Richard III?" "His great career." "So what's ironic about the ceremonial route?" "He's got a horse." "That was his last request, wasn't it?" "And now they've given him one now the poor devil's dead." "That's a shame, isn't it?" "Too late." "Yeah." "Do you know who's conducting the service?" "Is it Saint Augustine?" "They're going to dig him up especially." "Bring him over." "That would be brilliant." "Everyone invited is dead." "They've gone to the top." "The very top." "Archbishop of Canterbury." "Yes." "Really?" "Wow." "He's conducting the service." "Why does his cortege and lying in state worry some people?" "He's dead, why are they taking him places?" "I don't understand." "Do you remember the battle?" "What's happening?" ""Of course, this bypass wasn't here then but that was built in 1957."" "Take him to EuroDisney." "You haven't seen any of that." "Well, you'd have to tell him who Mickey Mouse was but he'd get into it, wouldn't he?" ""And that's Goofy."" ""He reminds me of the Duke of Norfolk." "Yeah, just carry on."" ""People are complaining about the smell, just get on the ride."" "You have to be 600 years old to get on this ride." "People are going to boo, is that what they think?" "People are going to boo the procession." "They do." "According to Mary MacKenzie, a spokesman for the For Richard Society:" "SARA:" "What a bastard." "Yeah." "Yeah." "He wants to think himself lucky he's not alive now - he'd be on two quid a week." "That's a lot of money to him." "Well, yeah." "This is the reburial of Richard III." "The funeral cortege will pass through Bosworth Field." "Bit tactless." "It's like giving Diana's coffin another spin round Paris." "Richard III died in 1485." "Historians point out that it's the most delayed funeral ever for a British monarch." "Prince Charles doesn't agree." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "BELL RINGS" "NICK:" "There's a 50-foot crab off the pier in Whitstable." "Is there?" "It was in the newspapers, it must be true(!" ")" "Which newspapers was it in?" "It was on the front page of the Daily Star." "If you seen a giant crab, run in a straight line." "Away from it." "Yes, a 50-foot crab has been spotted off the coast." "Can you see it there?" "No." "On the end of then..." "Oh, yeah." "Is that the evidence?" "There are theories." "Do you know what some of the various theories are?" "It's gambling..." "It's got a dice there, just thrown a six." "Look!" "Some people say it's not a crab, but a sandbank." "Yes!" "Which has been there for hundreds of years." "Yes." "Some people have claimed it could be a hoax." "What?" "No!" "In the Star?" "It was also Mail online and Sunday Express." "You're saying that as if you're coming up with other authoritative sources." "Quinton Winter from Whitstable in Kent runs a website called Weird Whitstable." "The Star reported the discovery was first made by two young boys at a popular crabbing spot." "Telling readers..." "As if this story wasn't incredible enough, satellite photos released this week have also revealed a massive boot lying in the Mediterranean." "So much for the giant crab." "If you are more interested in seeing an unusual winkle, just text Brooks Newmark." "Now it's time for the Odd One Out round." "It's just one between you this week." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "Your four are..." "Evan Davis," "Ed Balls, the Furies and Andy McNab." "Ed Balls kind of elbows people in the face, playing football." "Yeah, right." "So, he is violent." "Andy McNab, he's quite violent towards people, isn't he?" "The Furies, they're a bit violent." "I'll give you a clue." "â™ª Tears for souvenirs are all you've left me. â™ª" "Firing squads in Mexico." "That was Ken Dodd." "Yes." "Singing...?" "Tears For Souvenirs." "People crying, it must be about people crying." "So, Evan Davis..." "Oh, he wept when he was asked a question by a journalist who said," ""What makes you cry?" and then Evan did actually cry." "The Sound of Music?" "Andy McNab, does he cry at the Sound of Music?" "They all cried at the sound of something apart from Evan." "You've got that right, Sara." "They all cried at music apart from Evan" "Davis, who cries at the news." "Apart from Evan not being on anymore, why have listeners to Radio 4's Today programme switched off after the summer?" "Because the news is too depressing." "Yes." "Their editor, Jamie Angus, said people have stopped listening because of..." "You see you moan about the crab story..." "That's what people want!" "Evan Davis anyway, he cries at the news he says." "How many times has Andy McNab cried?" "Once." "Once?" "Yes." "Yes." "From 1968 to 1982." "He's only cried once, and that was over opera, four years ago." "He explained..." "Ed Balls once revealed that watching the Sound Of Music made him cry." "I once went to see a sing-along Sound Of Music in the cinema." "What did you dress up as?" "I went in plain clothes." "People go to these things, has anyone been?" "Yeah, they go..." "What, as Nazi stormtroopers?" "I saw some people once, a whole row of them, and they were wearing green and they'd come as the hills." "It's a very camp event." "There was a bit where - is it Christopher Plummer?" "Christopher Plummer, yes." "He was looking around for Julie Andrews and somebody behind me said, "She's in the gazebo" ""with an 80-piece orchestra"." "I could talk about the Sound Of Music all night." "Why don't they do panel shows where we sit around and talk about musicals?" "Yeah, exactly." "Eight out of ten people have seen Cats." "Doing me best." "Yes, they have all been reduced to tears by music except Evan Davis." "Ed Balls described the Balls' family holiday this year, saying they went inter-railing around Europe which included a trip to Salzburg where they attended a..." "Dressed in..." "They were eventually met by the Cameron family dressed as Nazis." "According to Greek mythology, Orpheus sang his song" "O Deities Of The Underworld so beautifully that..." "But it was still a "no" from Simon." "Time now for the Missing Words round." "This week features as its guest publication, Chippy Chat, the magazine of the chip shop industry." "A publication that always insists on two "sauces" for every story." "We start with" " Elvis Presley to play what?" "Elvis Presley to play Cardiff City in the fourth round of the FA Cup." "I know, Elvis Presley to play at funeral of Richard III." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "It's actually..." "No, he is not!" "He is!" "Readers are invited to choose what tribute acts they want to be play at the Chippy Chat Christmas ball and one option was..." "If you're offering unlimited free chips, you'll probably get the real one." "Next - what congratulates malaria?" "Ebola." "You've done what I wanted to do all my life!" "It was at a big ceremony, best contagious disease." "It's Naomi Campbell." "Yeah." "Unbelievably she was trying to congratulate Malala..." "Oh no!" "..for getting the Nobel Prize." "She didn't?" "!" "She didn't?" "!" ""Well done, Malaria"." "No!" "This was a typo on Twitter." "She meant to congratulate Nobel Peace prize winner, Malala." "Naomi Campbell's tweet also contained another spelling error with Nobel spelt "noble"." "Showing that Malala's campaign for women's education is perhaps too little too late!" "Next King What to challenge Prince Charles?" "Prawn!" "No!" "King Prawn is back, just as fishy as before." "King Burger." "And chips." "No." "King Burger, is that how" "Burger King's listed in the phone directory?" "!" "King of chips." "Calum Richardson, known as the King of Chips is up against Prince Charles in a business innovation award." "Of course it's a made-up title, it doesn't really mean anything, but he likes it when people refer to him as Prince Charles." "Next - what looking forward to fish and chips in Ipswich?" "I've no idea." "Pescatarian?" "Yes." "Is it no-one?" "Richard III on countrywide tour, looking forward to fish and chips in Ipswich." "MIMICS:" "Do you have a piece of haddock?" "I would like a saveloy." "Richard III looking forward to fish and chips in Ipswich." "No, it's very close." "The Backstreet Boys." "What?" "!" "Yes." "For younger viewers, the Backstreet Boys were one of the biggest bands in pop selling..." "For even younger viewers, records were music stored on round things and get this, you had to pay for them!" "OK." "Next..." "Eh?" "!" "Who's been sleeping in my bed?" "Roger." "It could be anything, couldn't it?" "It's "Pole-dilocks"." "Tell us more, Nick." "A couple went on holiday..." "Oh, yes!" "They came home, went upstairs and there was a young Polish man asleep in their bed." "You're absolutely spot on." "A burglar is the answer." "Here is the BBC report on what happened." "'Lukasz Chojnowski had broken in through a window, squatting for two days." "'He's since admitted burglary and theft, 'though he left behind more than he took.'" "He'd gone out and bought food." "We returned all the Pot Noodles to him." "It was later that we found out there was chicken in the fridge." "We ate that because it was nearly out of date." "Next, what offers cemetery new life?" "Mobile chip van." "Absolutely right, it's got to be." "Is it to do with young people getting off in graveyards?" "No, but does that happen?" "Yeah." "If they got pregnant, then that makes a lot of sense." "Depending on which position you are in, you can end up with somebody's name from the tombstone imprinted on your back." "Explain that when you get home." ""Who's William Hardcastle, died 1874?"" ""I don't know, Mum, I've been down the disco, ain't I?"" "Is that what young people do?" "Yeah, "Hello, hello..." They can't keep their head still, have you noticed?" "That's like being in a Cliff Richard movie!" "I think I should see your solicitor about that one." "The answer is..." "Ah, yes, bury them on top of each other." "Yes." "To make better use of space in cemeteries, coffins are now going to be stacked on top of each other in a four-layer unit, or as worms like to call it, a club sandwich." "And finally..." "You'd have a fish shop now." "LAUGHTER" "If you guess this, I will perform the whole of Gisele, the ballet, here, completely naked." "Ah, years ago if you wanted to buy a fish shop, you asked the pieman." "I've just seen it on the autocue!" "# Dum ba da ba da â™ª Dum ba da ba da... â™ª" "Ballet!" "Ballet!" "I'll have to do my warm-ups!" "So, the final scores are" " Ian and Nick have nine points, but Paul and Sara have ten." "APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH" "On this note, we say thank you to our panellists," "Ian Hislop and Nick Robinson," "Paul Merton and Sara Pascoe, and I leave you with news that David Cameron regrets asking Geoff Boycott why you need to wear a box in cricket." "At a clinic in Nottingham, one patient is astonished to learn he has a nut allergy." "I don't believe it, I just don't believe it!" "Why is it Thora Hird?" "I don't know." "And in North Korea, a delighted Kim Jong-un explains his weight loss is all down to liposuction." "GROANING" "Goodnight." "The Baker?"