"Zero Mostel, 25 seconds." "Stand by." "Mr. Mostel?" " Hey, Fozzie, where's Mr. Mostel?" " He's in his dressing room eating." "I'm not in my dressing room eating!" "I'm in my dressing room being eaten!" "[Munching and gulping]" "[Drumroll]" "It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Mr. Zero Mostel." "[Applause and whistles]" "# Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light" "# Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight" "# Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right" "# Lt's time to get things started" "Oh, please let them be funny this once." "# Lt's time to get things started" "# On the most sensational, inspirational" "# Celebrational, Muppetational" "# This is what we call The Muppet Show!" "# [high-pitched squeaking]" "Thank you, thank you." "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to The Muppet Show." "Tonight's special guest star has many, many talents." "Let's see..." "He acts, he sings, he dances, he does comedy, and they all add up to a great big zero for Zero Mostel." "But first, in an attempt to placate the culture lovers of our audience..." "Oh, at last, at last!" "...and in the wings, uh, we open tonight's show with a little classical music." "Here is Chopin's Polonaise in A-Flat." " [Applause] - [Fozzie] Psst!" "Psst!" "Kermit, Kermit, the concert pianist could not make it." "But I just introduced the Polonaise." "Here." "I got a whole new intro written." "Read that." "Good luck, kid." "Let's see, uh..." "Oh." "OK, ladies and gentlemen, Chopin's Polonaise in A-Flat, as performed by..." "Dr. Teeth?" "What?" "[# Funk version of Chopin:" "Polonaise in A-Flat]" "Yeah, yeah!" "Oh, yeah!" "Honk it, honk it!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Chopin!" "Chopin!" "OK!" "Cookin', cooking'!" " Oh, yeah!" " Chopin!" "Chopin!" "[Chuckling] You know, I'm really gonna enjoy tonight." " You plan to like this show?" " No, I plan to watch television." "OK, good ol' Chopin." "You can't beat the classics." "You can only destroy 'em." " Hey, frogis amphibious..." " Yeah?" "...don't forget today is payday." "[Growls] Payday!" "Payday!" "Payday, again?" "It was payday last year." "It seems to be getting to be a habit around here." "Well, I'll see what's in the old cash box here." "Three moths and a washer." "Well, that's more than we usually have." "Oh, where am I going to get the payroll money?" "Oh, how much do you need, Kermit?" "Oh, Scooter, 27 dollars and 14 cents." " Wow!" "That's high finance." " [Telephone ringing]" "I'll get it." "Hello?" "Oh, hi, Uncle J.P." "That's Scooter's uncle, J.P. Grosse, the bloodless old tightwad who owns this theater." "Yeah, yeah." "Well, listen, uh..." "Could you put your cigar out, please?" "Thanks." "Oh, everything's fine." "Yeah, except Kermit needs some money to make the payroll." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "Uh, what'd he say?" " He said, "Uh-huh."" " Terrific." " Lf..." " Uh, if what?" "If you put some good old-fashioned entertainment back into the show." " You mean like an Irish tenor?" " No." "A dog act?" "Jugglers?" "Spoon players?" "What?" "Lady wrestlers." "Terrific." "I was afraid he wanted something tasteless." "[Fanfare plays]" "OK, now it's time for our special guest to do something special." "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Zero Mostel." "[Applause]" "[# What Do the Simple Folk Do?" "]" "[Singing opera]" "[Barking]" "[Howling]" "[Screeching]" "[# What Do the Simple Folk Do?" "]" " [Slurps] - [Applause]" " Yeah, what's the name of this movie?" " Beach Blanket Frankenstein." " Hmm." "Awful." " Terrible film." "Yeah, well, we could watch The Muppet Show instead." " Wonderful." " Terrific film." "Where am I gonna find a couple of lady wrestlers at this late date?" "Hello, Killer Katie, Terror of Toledo?" "How'd you like to work on The Muppet Show tonight?" "I see." "Transcendental meditation." " That's too bad." " [Knock on door]" "Now what?" " Hey, Animal, would you get the door?" " [Growls]" "I say, would you get the door?" "Get the door." "Ah, get the door!" "[growls]" "Maybe I could try Mother the Mauler." "[Door cracking]" "Here door." "My, what a dynamic doorman you have here." "[Soft music plays]" "How was your tennis game today?" "Have a rough match?" "I see you did." " Do you play tennis?" " Of course." " How's your backhand?" " Uh, fair." " How's your forehand?" " Oh, they're terrific." "You say you watched six tennis matches today?" "How do you feel?" "Uh, fine." "Just fine." " What'd you do today?" " Just spent the day in court." "My tennis instructor says I've been using too small a racket." "Oh, why not get a big racket?" " You say you want a big racket?" " Yeah." "Uh, excuse me, Kermit, may I speak with you?" "Sure, Sam." "What you want?" "I think you know why I'm here." "Well, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth," " I've never known why you're here." " I feel my job is to make sure this program is morally upright and cultural and wholesome." "You got your work cut out for you, bird." "Now that was unwholesome." "That was not cultural." "Uh... uh, fine, fine." "But what can I do for you, Sam?" "I want to know who is going to be on tonight's show." "Oh, well, let's see, tonight's show is very classy, it's very highbrow, you'll like this show." "Good." "Yes, yes." "Tell me more." "Let's see." "We got..." "Fozzie is doing a pantomime with Zero Mostel." " Got a musical number..." " Musical number?" "Good, good." "...with Zoot and Rowlf." "And then of course we've got..." "Uh, we got the lady, uh the lady wrestlers." " The what?" " Uh..." "Oh, nothing, Sam." "It's just..." "We got, uh, some lady, uh..." "lady wrestlers." "Stand by for the pantomime number!" " Lady what?" " Uh..." "Lady wrest... [whispers]" " Wrest..." "What?" " Lers." "Lady wrestlers?" "!" "Lady wrestlers!" " You don't understand." " Have we no shame?" "!" "[Groans] I..." "Kermit, something, something must be done here." "Someone must work for integrity and decency." "Someone, someone must do this." "I shall continue to speak out, knowing someday I will get my just desserts." "Uh, Sam, you will someday get your just desserts." "[Monster chuckling]" " What was that?" " Just dessert." "The road is long." "The path is steep." "Oh." "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today." "Well, we've had a major breakthrough here at the laboratory." "Beaker, come on in here and let's show them" "Muppet Labs' brand-new magnetic carrots." "Come on, Beaker." "Just pick up the lid there." " [Moaning]" " It's all right." "Isn't that snazzy?" "Now these carrots are perfectly ordinary in every way," " except that they are magnetic." " [Gasping]" "Yes, friends, you can carry these new magnetic carrots home on the roof of your car and store them on the ceiling of your refrigerator." "[Grunting]" "Oh, of course, to be perfectly honest, there is one slight drawback." "Sometimes the magnetic carrots tend to attract steel, uh, rabbits." "Huh?" "[Metallic springing]" "Tune in next time for news of our research into the feasibility of cast-iron watchdogs." "Beaker." "Uh, let's switch channels." "This show is dull." " You bet. [groans] - [Clicks]" "What is that?" "It looks like two ancient old guys sitting in a theater box" " watching television." " That's crazy!" "No one would watch junk like that." " Uh, excuse me, Mr. Mostel." " Yes?" " I am Sam the Eagle..." " I'm so glad to know you." "Mmm, yes, glad to know you." "I am the upholder of decency and dignity for this show." " Are you really?" " Mmm, yes." "I believe this program is trivial, and... and not fit for family viewing." "It is..." "It is disgracefully lacking in culture." "It is disgracefully lacking in culture." "Mmm, I'm glad you agree with me, yes." "I, personally, have always felt that this program must... must, I say, be cleansed of all nonsense and silliness." " Mmm." "Don't you agree with me, sir?" " Of course." " Yes." " Must be cleansed." "Now, it seems to me that you and I think alike." "Well, it's been a pleasure..." "A pleasure talking to you, sir." "A man of dignity." "Dignity." "Always dignity." "Dignity, dignity... [squawking]" " [Clears throat]" " I'm sorry to keep you waiting, ma'am." "What can I do for you?" "I understood you're looking for lady wrestlers." "You see, I'm Granny the Gouger and I'd like to audition." "[Chuckles] You want to audition?" "That's very funny." "Is this some kind of a joke or something?" "Joke?" "Funny?" "Young man, it's not nice to make fun of an old lady." "You're going to be old yourself someday." "And when that day comes, you're going to be sorry you weren't nicer to Granny." "I think I'm sorry already." "[# Smoke Gets Ln Your Eyes]" "[Coughing]" "[Coughing]" "[Coughing]" "[Both coughing]" "Late, late at night" "The world sleeps... [snoring]" "And I am here alone" "And here I come some nights" "To confront my fears [monsters growling]" "They're here, my fears" "They are always with me" "Lurking, scurrying, hiding and waiting" "They come!" "And they go" "But though they are gone they are never far" "And here, alone at night I can confront them" "There they are, confronted fears Fears of hunger, fears of pain..." "Ow!" "Fears of missing the last train" "Fear of dentists always drilling" "Fear that no one will be willing" "To see me as I know I really am" "Once they are counted and compelled" "They can quickly be dispelled [squeaks]" "Like figments of my own imagination" "But always..." "There are other fears" "Fears of snakes, fears of cats" "Fears of maître d's and rats" "An irrational black terror that someday I may get fat" "Fear of elevators falling" "And the taxman someday calling" "And the accidental walling of myself" "Up inside a clammy, dank old dingy cellar" "Where the spiders weave around my tummy" "And the worms and bugs and crawly things" "Squirm and squiggle at my person [cackling] Oh, I love it!" "Once they are counted and compelled" "They can quickly be dispelled [squeaks]" "But then..." "There are other fears" "Fears of bullets, there's a dread" "Fear of baldness on the head" "Fear of waking up one morning" "To discover that you are dead" "Once they are counted and compelled" "They can quickly be dispelled [squeaks]" "Like figments of my own imagination" "Then there is the last fear" "Just about the time I'm past fear" "The one that really is final" "It will come yours... and mine'll" "In the darkest of the night" "It will come without a fight" "It will count me and compel me" "It will casually dispel me [cackling]" "For I am just a figment" "Of its own imagination" "Oh, look at that." "The show's almost over and I still haven't found another lady wrestler." "Oh, where in the world am I gonna find another heavyweight, aggressive, tough female with a killer's instinct?" "Hello, Kermit." "Oh..." "Oh, hi, Miss Piggy." "And, pray tell, what is my wonderfulness doing?" "Oh, you see, I was just thinking that you'd be perfect for a special spot in tonight's show." "You have created a spot just for moi?" "[Gasps] Oh, tell me about it, my little green ball of passion." " Uh..." " Yes, yes, yes." "Yeah." "Well, you see, this is a spot that requires an actress" " with tremendous strength..." " Yes." "...versatility, uh..." " Yes." "...and someone who's all female." " Oh." "Oh, what is it?" "Joan of Arc?" " Uh, no." " Naughty Marietta?" " Uh, no." "Oh, Lady Macbeth." "Well, it's more like a lady wrestler." "Lady... wrestler?" "Well, yeah." "It's a sort of thing where you, uh..." "You have to have the ability to..." " I mean, wrestlers are..." " Lady wrestler?" "!" "[Both screaming]" " What do you make of that, man?" " Ten to one on the pig." "[Screaming continues]" " Right." " [Miss Piggy] Lady wrestler?" "!" "[Growling]" "[Rhythmic growling]" "[Surprised growling]" "Tonight we're gonna present you with a cultural demonstration of female grace and dexterity." "So here they are, direct from the Bali Hai Bowl-A-Drome," "Granny the Gouger and the Mysterious Miss Mask." "One fall, no holds barred." "[Breathing heavily]" "Hope your insurance is paid, frog." "[Bell ringing]" "[Mumbling indistinctly]" "[Grunting]" "Hiyah!" "[Gasping]" "[Crowd booing]" "[Jeering and whistling]" "[Grunts and laughs]" "Alley-oop!" "I think you'd better give up, frog." "What, and leave show business?" "[Chuckling]" " What did you do to my frog?" " Hmm?" " I'll show you." "Hiyah!" " [Yells]" "[Crowd cheering and applauding]" "Well, that's about it for another Muppet Show." "Some of us have taken great pains to bring you this show." "Uh, but right now I'd like to thank our special guest star, who has joined the ranks of the Muppet monsters, Mr. Zero Mostel." " Come on out!" " [Applause]" "Now you stop that, Mr. Mostel." "Uh, well, that's about it." "We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show." "Must there be a next time?" "What do you think of television?" " [crackling] - [Groaning]" "Shocking, isn't it?"