"Hello, everyone." "Frederick!" "Beatrice." "May I present Miss Celery Savoy and her bow-wow, Dumpling." "And may I make the further announcement that we are engaged... in... a soon-to-be-married agreement." "Celery fucking Savoy is the President of the Clambake Club." "It is unbelievable that a sack of stupid like Frederick was able to pull in a human diamond like Celery." "It's like catching a golden lobster with a trap made of shit." "Welcome to the family, Celery!" "Congratulations, Frederick." "You've become another cog in the great marriage industry." "Well, that is very generous of you to say, especially since you will never know the joy of human touch." "Pardon me, Frederick." "I'm afraid I may not have heard you." "Would you mind re-describing the nature of your relationship with Celery?" "Well, it's like my Freddy said." "We're to be married." "Oh, yes." "That's what I thought he said." "I was just a little distracted by this buzzing in my head and hot numbness covering my body and time slowing down." "Frederick!" "Uh, uh, I..." "I have the most tremendous urge to make water." " Oh." " I-I can't" "That's not a toilet, Mother!" "That's my new best friend!" "I'm sure I'm pleased to make your acquaintance." "♪ I want the money, I want the fame ♪" "♪ I want the whole world to know my name ♪" "♪ This is mine, I got to get it ♪" "♪ I got to get it, got, got to get it ♪" "♪ Another Period ♪" "Mother didn't just urinate on our newest and most important family member." "Peepers, fetch the urine talcum." "She also urinated on this family's social standing." "I need to do something that will force Celery to take our family seriously again-- host a 17-course meal in honor of her dog, Dumpling." "Lady of the house present!" "Lady of the house present!" "If any of you feel a cough coming on or any sort of facial dampness please refrain from breathing." "The puppies for your perusal, Madam." "Aw, they're all so cute!" "Uh, I'll take that one." "Oh, no, no, um, that one." "Oh, I can't decide!" "I'll take them all." "You'll be perfect for my cape!" "Stop trying to escape." "Was that as bad as I believe it was?" "No." "Everyone mistakes an heiress for a water closet from time to time, don't they?" "I'm sure Celery counts herself lucky to be peed on by the great Dodo Bellacourt." "Oh, heavens, why must my body fail me so?" "In some Asiatic cultures, relieving oneself on the guest is considered a sign of respect." "Would the Madam like a syringe of the dog?" "No." "This drug use simply will not do!" " No more!" " A little won't hurt." "She said, "No more!"" "The lady said, "No more."" "You know I had no choice in the matter of my upcoming marriage." "I'm a senator now, so I must get engaged." "But I thought that meant you were going to change the law so we could marry?" "My sweet, shivering tower of aspic." "Senators don't make the laws." "They just accept bribes from corporations." "And until there's a corporation that cares about siblings being allowed to marry, there's nothing we can do." "I hate corporations!" "And I hate Celery." "If it makes you feel any better, I hate her too." "She's smart, well traveled." "She laughs at all my jokes." "It's awkward." "Well, it's fine." "We're just gonna have to be more careful when we sneak out for our lovemaking." "Oh, my sweet, shivering tower of aspic," "Father said that now that I'm a senator, we must stop our fornicating." "What?" "But I love you!" "Beatrice." "Beatrice, please" "Please don't do this, Frederick." "I love you." " Please, please don't do this." " Baby." "Bea." "Please, Frederick, don't do this." "You're acting like a baby... like the baby I first made love to." "But we-- we can't." "We had to grow up sometime." "We can't stay babies forever." "Yes, we can." "I hope we can still be brother and sister." "We can't stay babies forever." "We can't stay babies forever." "We can't stay babies forever." "We can't stay babies forever." "Now, remember, Peepers, no matter how cunningly or forcefully" "I ask you for morphine, you are to deny me." "Yes, Madam." "It is an order." "Do you understand?" "Yes, Madam." " So may I have some morphine?" " Yes, Madam." "That was a test." "You are not to give me morphine." "Yes, Madam." "May I please have some morphine?" " Yes, Madam." " No!" "It should be, "No, Madam!"" " Yes, Madam." " So, again... can I have some morphine?" " Yes, Madam." " No!" "Don't you understand?" "Saying yes to you is my morphine." "I can stay a baby forever." "I can stay a baby forever." "I can stay a baby forever." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "Oh!" "My lady, those are snacking beets not beautification beets." "How do I look?" "Is my lady quite sure that she wants to rub a beet into her face?" "Mm-hmm." "Quite sure." "And I'm not a lady." "I'm a baby." "I can stay a baby forever." "I see, my la-- my baby." "Well, I shall place this here." "Do I need more?" "No, I think that's perfect." "Maybe just a little more." "Mm-hmm." "This way." "Oops." " Through, go through!" " Garfield, what are you doing?" "I'm about to forever-sleep these puppies" " for Miss Lillian's cape." " Oh, fun." "Just wondering, do you think it's strange that one of your duties is to kill puppies for a woman's fashion?" "Hmm." "No, I never thought of it that way." "Besides, it's not a cape of puppies for Miss Lillian." "It's a cape of puppies for Mayor Cutie." "Come on, push right through, Wiggles." "We begin with two soups-- one hot, one cold-- followed by pheasant under glass, succeeded by quails from Egypt, fattened in Switzerland, their wings mutilated by the King of Siam's personal" " wing mutilator..." " Yum." "After which rabbit ears, which have been chopped into a salade with..." "So how did you two meet?" "Was it love at first sight?" "How'd Dumpling get the name Dumpling?" "How'd you get the name Celery?" "Tell me everything." "Well, me and Freddy met through your mother." "No love yet, but here's hoping." "Dumpling got his name because he looks like he's filled with potatoes, and I got the name Celery because Papa always said I took more energy than I gave." "Father always tells me I'm an energy-suck as well." "Who knew we had so much in common?" "Our next course is a halibut from Maine, lovingly glazed in an orange-cranberry mostarda." "I have an awkward question for you, Lillian." "Is that halibut actually from Maine?" "Your butler, Poopers, just said it, but I assume he was japing." "Poopers, is that halibut from Maine?" "I can almost smell the bearded fisherman who caught it." "Get rid of that poison!" "Garfield, remove this atrocity at once!" "I apologize one thousand-fold." "You're quite handsome when you throw out food a dog has spit out." "Oh, thank you, Chair." "Do you ever wonder what it would be like to taste one tiny, little bite?" "I know I do, but I'm not as brave as you." "Maybe you could try it and tell me what it's like." "No, I could never!" "It's an unpardonable offense to eat that which is designated for the upstairs." "I must throw it in the garbage." "I'd love to see just one small morsel in your perfect little mouth." "Well, I... guess I could have one little nibble." "Yes." "It's like a flaky little cloud!" "What did you say this was called, again?" " Food." " Well, if this is food, then I'm glad to have tried it." "It makes working for gruel that much more rewarding, knowing that real food is going to its rightful place, upstairs." "Well, I surely enjoyed watching you do it." "Well, then I am glad to have danced with the fire." "Product of a rape." "Product of a rape." "A double product of a rape." "Now, you listen to me, girls, especially you, Frederick!" "I've never told you this before, but I love you." "Bananas flambé." "They don't like it." "Throw it away." "Throw it away." "I'm so sorry." "Celery, I would like to take this moment, if I may, to present a gift to our most esteemed guest." "Oh, Lillian, you didn't have to get me anything." "No, it's for Dumpling." "Dumpling... please accept this gift on behalf of the entire Bellacourt family." "Oh, what a heavenly necklace." "If only Dumpling liked wearing emeralds." "He's finicky, but he really knows himself." "I admire that about him." "She's been acting this way ever since Frederick announced his engagement." "Has she done this kind of thing before?" "Once." "Frederick invited a young duchess to the cotillion, and Beatrice buried herself alive in the radish garden." "But this time it seems serious." "Oh, it's kielbasa time." "I must be going." "I will leave this to you." "Well, I see Miss Beatrice is dressed like a little girl." "Baby Bea, if you please." "How long have you been a baby?" "Mm-mm-mm." "Was it since someone hurt you?" "And was that person your brother, Freddy?" "Morphine!" "Control yourself, Madam!" "Damn it, man!" "I need my sweet cherry dreams!" "I need to waltz with the White Widow!" "Don't you remember?" "Don't you know the depths that your addiction has taken you to?" "You sucked my dick, Madam!" "Madam, I cannot allow such a proposition." "Unbutton!" "Oh!" "You sucked my dick." "I" "Mayor Cutie used to hate champagne, but then I just didn't give her water for two weeks, and now she loves it." "I remember when Mother did that to me." "Speaking of mothers, I'd like to apologize for our mother." "You mean when she urinated on me?" "Think nothing of it." "These sorts of things happen." "Well, I just want to make sure that you understand that the Bellacourts, except for Hortense, are a wonderful family with high ethics and Christian values." " Hi, Frederick." " Aah!" "Beatrice." "♪ daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow, bow-wow ♪" "♪ daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow, bow-wow ♪" "♪ I've got a little cat-- ♪" "♪ and I'm very fond of that-- ♪" "♪ but I'd rather have a bow-wow-wow ♪" "♪ daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow ♪" "♪ daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow ♪" " Beatrice." " Remember this song?" "Remember this song?" "This was our song." "♪ daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow ♪" "Okay, that is quite enough of that." "This is inappropriate and highly erotic." "I am an engaged man." "Also, she is your sister." "Yes, there is that as well." "Fine!" "I hope that my sister straddling my lap was not the worst thing you have ever seen." "I assure you, it is not." "The worst thing I ever saw was an elephant being hanged for no other reason than to amuse a large crowd on a hot summer afternoon." "Oh, summer really is the best time for a hanging." "Well, the beast was given large quantities of ether prior to the execution." "Chains were placed around its neck to draw upon his windpipe and choke him to death." "Well, as the derrick rose, the beast let out a terrific scream from paralysis of the spinal cord and was dead within minutes." "There was blood everywhere." "Oh, well, I hope you brought a picnic." "Tell me, how much blood do you suppose could be drained from an elephant?" "I believe enough for a canoe ride." "Can you imagine canoeing on a lake of elephant blood?" "I believe it would be magical." "I believe it would be magical as well." "Lillian, once upon a time," "I thought you were a useless, unlovable, vile, tacky little thing." "But now I see you are quite amusing." "Oh, Celery, I've been wanting to be your friend for 30 years, and I'm only 27." "Today means the world to me." "I wanted to ask you a little question." "Oh, Garfieldella, if it's a girl." "And, of course, Peepers Junior, were we to have a son." "Not my question, but I'm glad to know it." "I was wondering if you had an extra key to Dodo's morphine cabinet." "I wanted to impress you and show you how clean I can make it." "Why yes, of-- of course, as underbutler, it is my privilege to carry that key." "Can I borrow it?" "It will only take an hour." "I'll make it shine." "Oh, I'm sorry, Chair, but it would be breaking one of the cardinal rules of the house, letting a woman hold a key." "I know you can break the rules." "I saw you try the halibut." "Halibut is one thing, but heroin is quite another." "Now, I don't expect you to understand the difference, but one is a drug, and the other is fish." "Please?" "You're such a big, strong underbutler." "Romantic fraternization between the staff is the ultimate rule violation." "This is a terrible thing to say to the hopeful future mother of my children, but I am going to have to report you." "I will never, ever forget this moment." "Neither will I." "Sorry?" " No, nothing." " Oh." "I thought I heard you say, "Neither will I."" "No." "Right." "Well, off to report you." "Thank you very much, again." "You've had quite an adventure tonight, Madam." "All that exercise is bad for the uterus." " Sir?" " What is it, Chair?" "I'm afraid I have a terribly important issue to discuss." "What is it?" "Have you counted the towels recently?" "I believe one is missing." "Madam, please excuse me for a moment while I tend to our guests." "It seems Dumpling is not pleased with our digestif selection." "Chair will continue mopping your junkie sweats." "My lady, if you are in need of just a touch of your morphine, you need only ask." "Do you miss it?" "What I miss are the days when if a servant asked you a question, you could have their tongue cut out." "797, 798, 799." "I have counted these towels 13 times, and each time the number is 799." "Bellacourt Manor is an 800-towel estate." "Whomever stole the towel, please step forward." "You'll be fired immediately, no questions asked." " Garfield." " Hmm?" "Garfield, empty your breast." "Is that a towel I see?" "Who?" "This is Towel?" "Chair gave her to me." "And she kissed me." "Enough!" "It is stolen property!" "Garfield Leopold McGillicutty, you are hereby stripped of all duties befitting an underbutler." "Please remove your uniform and vacate the premises immediately." "You may pick up the clothes you wore when you arrived." "But when I came here, I was six years old." "Yes, back when I saw something in you, something that reminded me of..." "Servants, turn away." "Nicholas, bang the pot." "Dead man walking." "Slower, Nick, slower." "Go, boy." "Go and find your way in this wicked world." "Well, I'm off to meet and impress Celery's family." "Thank you for your hospitality, Lillian." "Oh, if you're ever in need of a plus-one to an elephant hanging, you know who to call." "I won't hesitate!" "You know, you may have strange sisters, and your mother is quite awful, and your brother seems to have an erotic relationship to elephant death and his own sister, but you..." "I like you, Lillian." "You throw one hell of a party." "Let's grab tea or an aperitif this week." "Okay!" "Well, the party had some slight hiccups, what with Beatrice's nervous-breakdown incest-treptease." "But, in the end, Celery seems to be really impressed." "What can I say?" "I throw one hell of a party." "♪ daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow ♪" "♪ daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow ♪" "♪ I've got a little cat-- ♪"