"Well, mr." "And mrs." "Chase, looks like those fertility drugs paid off." "Oh, my god!" "We're finally going to have a baby." "I love you." "I'm so happy, I don't think I'm ever going to stop smiling." "Here it comes!" "It's a boy." "Oh, you hear that, honey?" "It's another boy." "That makes three boys and two girls." "Holy crap, it's like a litter." "How do you feel?" "Like a parade just came out of my vagina." "Let's never have sex again." "Don't worry, honey." "After what I've seen today," "I'm good." "Oh... don't cry." "I know that five seems like a lot, but, somehow, some way, we'll get through this horrible, horrible nightmare." "I'm crying because they're so beautiful." "Yeah, that's why I'm crying, too." "Get off of me!" "I'm not pushing you!" "Stop it, stop it, stop it!" "Can't you go five minutes without fighting?" "!" "Remember we once said we'd never yell at them?" "How come everyone else gets new clothes and I only get to buy underwear and socks?" "Don't compare." "You get lots of things that the others don't." "Like growth hormones." "That was money well spent." "The weirdo's touching my face again." "Pearce, stop it." "I can't help it, I'm very tactile." "Then go touch that big, fuzzy ball we got you." "Ooh, the ball." "He'll be living with us until we die." "You know, you shouldn't let Pearce annoy Penny like that." "It's bad enough everyone at school makes fun of her." "Everyone?" "Even the girl with the uni-brow." "I hate this family." "Penny!" "Dad, I need some advice." "Shoot." "All right." "So there's this really, really hot girl, Brooke, and I think she's into me, but then there's this other really hot girl who's totally into me, so, do I settle for the really hot girl" "or hold out for the really, really, hot girl?" "I'm going to give you five seconds to get the hell out of here." "Did you notice the quints didn't buy one piece of identical clothing?" "They used to look so adorable in their little matching sailor suits." "Honey, people thought they were chimps." "I'm worried about how much they're fighting." "They used to be such good friends." "Yeah, you know what I'm worried about?" "They're bleeding us dry." "I miss the old days when we used to get stuff for free." "We had applesauce coming out our ass." "Good times." "I read in my quints chat room that the Helberg quints got a Lexus ad." "The helbergs." "Those kids are a cash cow." "It's not fair." "They're the same age as ours." "Okay, so maybe the Hellbergs are still adorable and we've got a few... weak links." "We do not." "I think Patton might be a dwarf." "I just wish the quints would do more things together." "Yeah, like a jell-o ad." "I'm sorry." "I love them, but they have taken away our lives." "We never get to do anything fun, alone, just the two of us." "You're right." "I think you and I could use some romantic time." "Really?" "I got eight minutes before the wash is done." "Eight minutes?" "That gives us time to do some fancy stuff." "Three..." "Four..." "Help!" "Help me, please!" "It's on my windpipe." "Help!" "what are you doing?" "Bulking up for the ladies-- it's mating season, bro." "Hello?" "Hey, Brooke." "Saturday night?" "Cool." "Yeah, I'll see you there." "Later." "Yes!" "Y es!" "Why am I happy?" "Brooke Taylor is having a party and she said she really wants me to go." "I'm so in." "I could handle a party saturday night." "Yeah, me, too." "Uh... sorry, she didn't invite you guys." "Believe me, I tried as hard as I could." "We were standing right here;" "you didn't say a word." "Look, we can monday morning quarterback this thing to death, but bottom line, you're not going." "Come on, Parker, you've got to get us invited." "Forget it." "I've had Brooke on my radar for a long time and I'm not going to let you mutants screw it up." "You don't understand." "I've got to meet some babes." "There's a rumble in my jungle." "I hear you." "I hear you." "I'd take you if I could, man, but unfortunately, you have to be this tall to enter the party." "Ho!" "Not even close." "That's it, it's go time." "Oh!" "Whoo-hoo!" "Now we're talking." "What the hell is that?" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, wow." "Ugh!" "Hey, hey, hey." "What's going on here?" "These guys are pissed because they weren't invited to Brooke Taylor's party." "What's the big deal?" "You're not the only ones who weren't invited." "You weren't invited either?" "Of course I was." "I'm talking about Penny and she's handling it great." "If it was me, I'd kill myself." "Well, let's pretend it's you." "Look, you know my two or more rule." "If two or more of you are invited to a party, you all have to go or no one goes." "Uh, honey?" "If you're done here, I'd like to finish our discussion about modern trends in architecture." "Oh, god, they're gonna have sex." "Hello?" "Oh, my god, don't panic." "Brooke's having a makeup crisis." "That's Brooke?" "Can I have the phone?" "Why?" "Your makeup choices are questionable at best." "Hi, Brooke." "Can I speak to your mother please?" "Mom!" "Mom!" "Ah, ah, ah." "Hi, this is Carol Chase." "Yeah, listen, I was wondering if you could invite three more kids to Brooke's party?" "Oh, really?" "Well, I'm glad we spoke, too." "Bye." "Ha, well, problem solved." "So we're all going?" "No, none of you are going." "Turns out Brooke's mother's going out of town and didn't know about the party." "So, now it's canceled." "Thanks, mom." "My life is completely over." "Welcome to the club." "Okay, honey, those trends in architecture aren't going to discuss themselves." "I'm sorry, honey," "I've got that laundry to do." "Oh, I get it." "We switched codes." "Why are you going to the laundry room?" "That's great." "Because of us, there's no party." "We're dead meat at school." "I don't even know where the loser kids eat lunch." "Will you show us, Penny?" "I don't eat with the losers." "I eat by myself." "Hi, honey." "Hi." "Have you had quality time with Pearce this week?" "No." "I'm putting you down for thursday." "And no turning it into a father-son nap again." "Guess where we're going saturday?" "Let me check the board." "It's, it's not on the board." "Everything is on the board." "The board is life." "Forget about the board." "You and I are going to a Springsteen concert!" "Jake at work had some extra tickets, so I bought them off him." "That's great." "The quints will love it." "Oh, it's something they'll never forget." "Well, actually, it's something they'll never remember, because they ain't coming." "What?" "Honey, you and I need some time to ourselves." "Get wild." "It's either this or take another awkward swing at bondage." "Right." "Let's go." "Well, that was the worst day of school, ever, and no thanks to mom, the party killer." "15 years of popularity out the window." "Does great hair and a fairly good personality mean nothing anymore?" "We have got to do something to save our reps." "We're social outcasts." "I'm not a social outcast if I choose not to be part of the group." "Sing a new song, sister." "Hi, kids." "Hi." "What's the matter?" "Oh, because of what mom did, the whole school hates us." "Oh." "Hey, I know teen years are tough." "It's all about fitting in, social pressure, what you're doing saturday night." "But you know, as you get older, you realize that it's not that important." "Unless you get tickets to Springsteen!" "what?" "Saturday night, I am taking your mom to see "the boss."" "Rock and roll!" "I can't believe our parents have a better social life than we do." "I think I know a way to get this social stink off us." "We have the party here saturday night while mom and dad are at the springsteen concert." "What if mom and dad find out?" "They'll kill us." "Relax, they aren't gonna to find out." "They still don't know about the time pearce ate all those batteries." "I never had more energy." "Saturday night, the boy becomes a man." "You know, it's a good thing I've got a bunk bed so the ladies have a place to sit while they wait their turn." "What are you doing?" "Calling the quints." "I feel like I've made things worse by not letting Paige and Parker go to that party." "Honey, if there's one thing that I've learned about parenting, it's..." "Ooh, beach ball!" "It just breaks my heart that Penny, Patton and Pearce just aren't unpopular." "I feel like we've done everything wrong." "Carol, stop beating yourself up." "You are a wonderful mother who deserves a night out." "You're right." "Tonight is about us." "Yeah." "Would you guys like a brownie?" "Well, sure, thanks." "I'd love one." "Oh, these are delicious." "Whoa, whoa, slow down, tiger." "Those are special brownies." "Special?" "It's the best I've ever had." "No, there's a special ingredient." "Oh!" "Oh..." "You mean they're... doobie-flavored?" "That's right." "Ooh!" "Magical fudge." "You are cool with that, right?" "Bob, you're a big boy." "I'm not your mother." "Of course not." "I'm thirsty." "Oh, I have a juice box in my bag." "Parker, what's wrong with him?" "Uh... where do I begin?" "Excuse me." "Hey, buddy." "Hey!" "What's going on?" "What are you doing?" "You're embarrassing me in front of brooke." "I was getting down funky style, extra crispy." "What stinks?" "Oh, my cologne." "It's guaranteed to drive the ladies wild." "It was originally used to breed horses." "Okay." "Enough." "Look, we're brothers." "And the way you act reflects on me, so... try to act normal, okay?" "I went to a lot of trouble to get you guys invited to this party." "But we live here!" "Trust me, it took convincing." "Hey." "Hey!" "Good party, huh?" "It sucks." "I hate parties." "I hate people." "I hate my family." "I hate being a quint." "I'm Roger." "I'm Penny." "I hate my name." "I hate mine, too." "Wow." "She hot!" "If she were to fight an ostrich, I wonder who'd win." "Paige, come here." "Do you know her?" "Um, her name's Stacy." "She's a vegetarian." "Loves Coldplay." "Got a pierced left nipple." "Introduce me." "No way." "I hardly know her." "Looks like it's just you and me." "You're my wing man." "I'm wing man?" "What are my super powers?" "Looks like it's just me." "Hi." "I'm Patton." "One of the quints." "Hey, I'm Stacy." "Got to run." "Listen, babe..." "I'm heading into the kitchen to make a vegetarian, vegetable, no-meat snack." "Want anything?" "You're a vegetarian?" "So am I." "Broccoli rules." "This music is so lame." "We've got to put on some Coldplay." "I love coldplay." "They rock." "You know what else rocks?" "Pierced nipples." "What?" "!" "The band..." "Pierced nipples..." "They're local." "This is one great concert." "It hasn't started yet." "Then what was that music I was hearing?" "You were singing to yourself." "That was me?" "I rock!" "Aw, man, I'm starving." "I'm going to go get another pretzel." "Bob, you've had five already, not including the one you ate off the floor." "I ate dirt?" "Oh, we've got to get this concert started." "Bruce!" "Bruce!" "Bruce!" "Bruce!" "Did you hear that, Carol?" "Hear what?" "When I say "Bruce," I hear "Bruce" back again." "Suddenly, my voice has an echo." "That's because you keep saying "Bruce."" "But not that many times." "Listen." "Bruce!" "Bruce!" "Bruce!" "Bruce!" "Oh, no." "My voice has a permanent echo." "Did I just say that?" "Did I just say that?" "Help me!" "So, this is the crib." "It's nice." "Yeah, it's pretty slammin'." "What's that smell?" "Are you wearing cologne?" "Yes, I am." "You likey?" "Yeah." "You know, you're kind of cute, in a freaky little way." "Thanks, babe." "What do you say we take a little trip to the bed?" "Sure." "Why not?" "Really?" "We're going to second base?" "Thank you." "Patton?" "Are you all right?" "What happened?" "I don't know." "He just collapsed." "Is he breathing?" "I'm his brother." "I'll breathe for him." "What are you doing?" "Get your lips off me!" "I can't." "My retainer is caught on your braces." "Help... help!" "So, this is the crib." "What is that?" "Oh, my god!" "Your brothers are making out?" "!" "Gross!" "We're not making out." "Our hardware's stuck." "Hold still." "Hold still." "You've got a wire caught." "Bye, tiny guy." "I've got to go." "Wait!" "What happened?" "I breathed life into Patton." "He's my slave now." "Could you two be any more pathetic?" "I don't get it, Parker." "How could you be related to these losers?" "Hey, Brooke, come on." "They're not losers." "Parker, open your eyes." "They're total freaks." "Back off, babe." "You back off, pigmy!" "Whoa!" "Actually, you do need to back off." "Parker, I wouldn't push your luck here." "Just get rid of these idiots, and I'll pretend like nothing ever happened." "Brooke, I think..." "Do it now!" "Uh-oh." "What?" "I'm sorry." "I should have told you when you got here." "We had a bitch detector installed in our house, and, uh, you've set it off." "Excuse me?" "I think you should go, Brooke." "Fine." "I'm wearing a thong." "When did we get a bitch detector installed?" "Mom and dad just called." "They're on their way home." "They're coming!" "Family" " F..." "A..." "M..." "Oh, hi!" "What brings you guys home so soon?" "What are you, a cop?" "Your father ate something that didn't agree with him." "Did you guys actually spend the night together?" "Hey..." "Who needs other people when you've got four great brothers and sisters, huh?" "Oh, that's so sweet." "And you're playing scrabble!" "I think I'm gonna cry." "I love you kids." "I love you all so much." "Okay, come on, Bob, come on, Bob..." "Bye." "Love you." "Bye." "Have a good night." "Did we always have so many stairs?" "I'm going to have to make two trips." "Night." "What great kids." "We leave them alone, and they spend the whole night playing scrabble." "You bought that?" "You are high!" "There was a party here tonight." "There was?" "Well, as soon as this buzz wears off," "I'm going to have a little chat with them about responsibility." "You're missing the point." "Our five children lied and manipulated us." "They're doing things together again!" "I love those kids." "They're... they're like a beautiful hand... but... the fingers are people.... uh, the people have hands... except the fingers are people, and..." "Bad news, honey." "The echo's back."