" I'm fine, I'm fine." " I waited up for you!" "Cassie threw herself in the bloody river." " Cassie?" " I had to jump in and save her." " (Mobile rings)" " For God's sake!" "I couldn't let her drown, could I?" " Mel, it's Mum." " What does she want?" " Are you OK?" " Yeah." "Yeah, I'm fine." "A few scratches..." "She says she doesn't think you've ordered enough fizzy mineral water." "I said before, we've got to go to the police about her." "Look, er..." "let's not get the police involved." "She says that there's too much still mineral water and not enough fizzy." "Tell her when I get there I'll order more." "Are you gonna be OK for the rehearsal?" " There is gonna be a wedding?" " Of course!" " Just after yesterday, with the cufflinks..." " Let's forget yesterday." "And she says that the bride and groom figurines on the cake, the bride's got dark hair and she should go to the shop and get a blonde one." "Who cares?" "Ohh." " Look, I'll see you at the church at four." " Absolutely, I'll come down with Ben." "(Monitor bleeping)" "Hope the stag night was worth it." " Will he be up and about by tomorrow?" " What?" "Will he be OK by tomorrow?" "He's best man." "I'm sorry, there's no chance of that." "He'll be under observation for at least 72 hours." "But he's my best man." "Have you any idea what my fiancée's parents will think?" "He's taken a nasty bump to the head and fractured his left humerus." "He's staying here, under sedation." "(Monitor bleeping faster)" " What are you doing?" "!" " It's my fiancée's ring." "Just... just stop that!" " No, s... stop doing that!" " (Grunts) Yes!" " Look, I..." "I think you'd better go." " (Bleeping slows)" "Look, Ben, I don't know if you can hear me but..." "The parking plan for tomorrow, where is it?" "I need to know where the parking plan is, it's gonna be chaos otherwise." "Ben, squeeze if you know where the parking plan is." "Oh, my God, Ben..." "The hired suits for tomorrow, are they at your flat?" "Squeeze for yes." "Look, the wedding's gonna fall apart without you!" "Where are the suits?" "I can't walk up the aisle w..." "Squeeze, damn you!" "I've got your flat keys, Ben." "Where are the suits?" "Give me a sign." "Grunt if it's easier." "Just... grunt." "(Burglar alarm countdown beeping)" "(Burglar alarm blaring)" "Where's the plug?" "Where's the plug?" "!" "Christ's sake." "(Sirens)" "Geoff, it's Howard, how the devil are you?" "Not too good, actually, bit of a problem on the best man front." "Ben got concussed jumping into the Thames so, er... little bit light on support, and I thought," ""Who better for the job than my old chum, Geoffrey?"" "And I thought, "Who better for the job than my old pal, Martin?"" "...I need someone who's bloody reliable." "And that's when I thought of you, Ollie." "So, er, how about it, Stuart?" "...So, what do you think, Pete?" "Your mission, Charlie, should you choose to accept it So, Nigel, come on down!" "...And you were the first on my list, Alan." "...You were first on my list, Doug." "...You were first on my list, Tony." "Aha!" "I thought you'd be the person to ask..." "Phil!" "Dunc..." "Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry." "Howard." "Howard Steel." "Well, can't she have her womb scraped another day?" "Well, why do you have to be there?" "You're not the one doing the scraping!" "Hello?" "Hello, Howard, it's Cassie." "Just to say - if I can't have you, no one can." "Bastard!" "Well, that's all the S's. lan Timms." "Can't do it." "He's got a ringside seat at his wife's hysterectomy and he doesn't want to miss the action." "He's not coming at all, it's pathetic." "I had a streaming cold but I still went to his summer barbecue." "Simon Tiptree?" "Never heard of him, cross him out." "Brian Tooley." "He's my plumber, Eve." "I can hardly ask a man I've met once, who put in a power shower, badly, six years ago, to be best man." "I'm sorry." "I don't know who these people are, I'm just reading the names out." "OK, OK." "Next one." " Jonny Underwood." " No." "Are you sure you don't want to take the dog now?" "No, Eve, I do not!" " Kim Veal." " Woman." "Think Dick and Angela'd like me having a best woman?" "Perry Villiers..." "No, no, no, he can scarcely read or write, let alone make a speech." "I need someone good at speeches." " I tell you who's good at speeches." " Who?" "My uncle." "Oh, he gave a lovely talk to the WI last year, all about owls." "Owls?" "People don't want to hear about owls, they want risqué jokes about me." "He doesn't know you." "Then it's not a very good suggestion, is it?" "Anyway, he's moved to New Zealand." "Eve..." "W's." "Simon Watson." "Bit tricky, he's dead." "That's the lot, no more." "Oh, well, that's it, then." "I'm stuffed." "Well and truly stuffed." "There's... one person you haven't mentioned." "(Phone rings)" "How, man!" "(Bell tolling)" " Any sign of Howard?" " Not yet." "He'd better be here soon, I'm meeting the police-dog display team at five." "They're the main attraction at this year's church fête." "Again?" " I know." " I'm sure he won't be long." "Army friend had a dog with no front legs." "Just two little wheels." "Used to be a sniffer dog." "Went out on a mission with a touch of dog flu and... bang." "Mel!" "We're going to need a backup organist." "Mrs Prescott's bad feet are affecting her pedal control." " Fine." " And tonight's meal," "Howard's father's not a vegetarian, is he?" " No." " Oh, thank God." " Is Howard still not here?" " He's on his way!" " I hope he's not this late tomorrow." " He'll be here any minute!" "You've been saying that for the last half an hour." "God, he's such an arsehole." "If he is, why was it when someone was drowning in the river last night," " he rescued them?" " Howard?" "Yes." "He saved someone's life last night." "She was drowning, he jumped in and saved her." "So there." "Thanks for doing the orders of service." "I've never been anyone's best man before." " Yes." " Can't wait." " Just calm down." " I'll 'ave to make a speech." " Yeah." " How dirty d'you want it?" "I don't want it dirty at all." " Can I tell the story about the away day?" " No, definitely not!" "And the clap clinic?" " No, no away day, no clap clinic!" " Shame." " Just keep it short and keep it clean." " Fine, fine." " What else do I need to know?" " Right, well, er..." "The wedding rehearsal is... now!" "And tonight there's a big dinner." "My dad and his girlfriend and all Mel's family, so just behave yourself." "No, don't worry about me." "(Tyres screech)" "Woo-hoo, come on!" "I just keep getting his voice mail." "Why did he arrange his stag night so close to the wedding?" "He shouldn't throw himself into rivers two days before he gets married!" " I mean, what if he'd drowned?" " Yeah!" "Would've ruined the seating plan." " Remember your stag night, Dick?" " Just about, Fraser." "(Laughs) We were in Portsmouth." "We got him tanked up on rum and then we all chipped in ten bob and handed him over to a prostitute." " Fraser..." " You should've seen her, face like a bag of spanners." "Mind you, did you proud, didn't she Dick?" "So the police-dog display team are coming?" "Mind you, English prossies aren't a patch on the ones in Thailand." "They'll do anything for the price of a bowl of rice." "Is that Howard?" "I don't know." "Hello." "Sorry we're late, er..." "This is Dom, everybody." " My new best man." " You better believe it." "Dom very kindly stepped in at the 11th hour." "And I'm not charging' a penny for me services, either." "I said, "I'm all yours, as long as I get to sleep with a bridesmaid."" "Yeah, Dom's also had some new orders of service printed." "Er..." "There's one for you, Angela." "One for you, Dick." " We'll keep this one spare." " Shall we press on?" "Lead the way, Vic, lead the way." " Dom, as best man?" "!" " It wasn't my first choice." "Well, who was, Liam Gallagher?" "Osama Bin Laden?" "Look, I know he's not ideal but..." "(Whispers) there was no one else." "Everyone's waiting, shall we make a start?" "Oh, for God's sake, Howard!" "Honey, come on." "Look, I know Dom's a little bit wild but he's not a bad bloke." "Excuse me." "Do you mind not smoking?" "This is the house of God." "Sorry, Vic." "Sorry, God." "Oh, heavens." "And can I please have the bride and groom up here?" "(Cheering roughly)" "(Whistles)" "(Doorbell)" "(Trish) Aren't they in, Ron?" "Ron?" "I expect you feel like a soldier on the eve of combat, eh?" " Hollow feeling in the pit of your guts." " Yeah, little bit, yeah." "How come you never got married, Fraser?" "Well, I suppose the right girl never came along at the right time." " Oh, yeah." "Who wants a wife in tow, eh?" " Absolutely." " When you can be out with the lads." " Yes." "I can't see you being dragged round the shops by the wife." "Very much the sort of chap who prefers the company of men." "Yes." "You're very much a man's man." "Thank you, Vicar." "Looking forward to the big day?" "Well, maybe you'll arrive on time." "(Laughs) Yes." "Yes, of course." " I hope you'll come to the reception." " Oh, that's very kind." "(Revs engine)" "(Tyres screech)" "(Crash)" "Is he dead?" "He's dead, isn't he?" "I know he's dead." "He's not dead, I can see him moving." " Will he be able to conduct the service?" " I don't know." "(Shouts) Will you be OK for tomorrow, Vicar?" " (Yelps)" " Angela, for goodness' sake." "He's gonna be OK." " They think he might've broken his foot." " Oh, my God." " (Hysterically) Can you walk, Vicar?" " Mum!" "So, what did she look like?" "She's about 5'8", she's got dark hair, very... mad eyes." "I'm really worried what she might do next." " Yeah, you must be." " She's called Cassie Turner." "I don't know where she lives but the office will, she's stalked me all week." "Oh, no, that's terrible." "S... so, er, d'you think you'll be able to find her?" " Us?" " Yeah, w... what will you do," " get together a search party?" " Erm..." "Or do we need to take out a restraining order?" "Sorry, it's not my area." "I'm with the police-dog display team." "I'm amazed, I really am." "Cassie's as quiet as a mouse in the office." "It's two years since he slipped her one and she's still obsessed with him." "He must've give 'er a hell of a seeing' to." "Yes, well, shall we get back to the house?" "I'm sure the vicar will be fine." "They do wonders these days with fractures." "You should've called the police." " None of this would've happened." " In 24 hours this'll all be over." "There's only tonight's dinner with your parents, my dad and Trish." "Oh, God." "Keep my dad well away from the booze, you know what he's like." " Isn't that your dad's van?" " Yeah." "What's he doing here?" "I told him not to get here till seven." "(Trish moaning)" "(Tools jangling)" "Sorry about that." "Got down 'ere quicker than we thought." "We kept ringing the bell but there was nobody home." "We were at the rehearsal." "Well... we got a bit bored with just waiting, so..." "Anyway..." "I'm Ron, Howard's old man." "Dick Cook." "'Allo, I'm Trish." "You must be Angela." "Yes." "A friend of mine came back once, found his wife bound and gagged with her own bra." "The police catch 'em, take 'em to trial, and the judge lets 'em off with a warning." "Now, that can't be right, Dick." "It's difficult to comment without the details." "His wife's munching on a D-cup and he's been cleaned out." "You judges are too soft on these bastards." "Get out there in the real world - smell the piss in the lifts." " Lovely bathroom upstairs, Ange." " Oh, thank you." " Mind you, just lacking one thing." " Oh?" "Bidet." "I know, I thought they were a waste of time but two years ago I was in Lanzarote, and the hotel bathroom had one and, ooh, it freshens you right up!" "It's worth thinking about, you've got the room for one." "Waste not, want not, as me mam says." "Mind you, she's very fat and has a chronic heart condition." " So, Trish, I hear you're a lap dancer." " For the moment, yeah." "Mm-hm." "And do you enjoy lap dancing?" "I prefer lap to pole." "It's less physically demanding and the money's better." "You're closer to the clients so you can work 'em, get 'em to flash the cash." "'Specially on a Saturday night." "As they say, "If you ain't got a monkey in your thong, you're doing it wrong."" "Fraser, you've got a chum who's a professional dancer, what's his name?" " Gerard." " That's right, strange fellow." "Left the tank regiment to set up a ballroom dancing school in Hove." "Was he a bit light in his feet in the army?" "Not every soldier who doesn't get married is a poofter, you know!" "Fraser?" "(Door slams)" "Oh, are you feeling better, Ma?" "I'm not going to let a bit of flu get me down." "I think I shall be all right for tomorrow." "This is Howard's father, Ma." "Ron." " And Ron's girlfriend, Trish." " Hi!" "And Howard's new best man..." "Dom." "Good God." " (Knock) - (Mel) Howard?" "Howard, are you in there?" "What you doing?" "You've been up here nearly half an hour." " What's happening down there?" " They're having liqueurs." "(Raucous laughter)" "Come on, they're asking after you." "Tell them I'm ill." "Not seriously, I'll be OK for tomorrow but I need to be in quarantine for eight hours." "You're dad said he was gonna show us his party trick." " What trick?" " The one with the fireworks." "(Howard) Thanks for coming, see you tomorrow." " Thanks for a great evening, Angela." " Yeah, yeah." " Look forward to more nights like this." " We're family now, ain't we?" "(Giggles)" "(Giggling continues)" "Right..." "I'll finish loading the dishwasher." "I'll give you a hand." "Good night." "Good night." " (Laughter) - (Mel) Really trying." "Oh, no." "Did you hear the anecdote about the lap dancer and the sandwich?" "No." "You'd have loved it, it was quite charming." "I did hear her telling my mum how to shave her pubic hair into a heart shape." " Oh." " (Mel giggles)" " You haven't laughed for days." " I know." " You haven't laughed for days, Mel." " Get off!" "(Giggles)" " Haven't laughed for days, Mellie." " (Squeals)" "Oi, come back here!" "No." "Come back!" "Erm... no!" "You can't catch me." "Wheeeee!" " Ha, ha!" " Right, you've had it." " Come on, then, scaredy cat." " Ooh, you're in so much trouble." "(Howard) Wooooo!" "(Sighs)" "Oh!" "Look, the wedding starts in just over an hour." "I've got Screaming Lord Sutch as my best man." "The bride is just driving off in my van." " Don't tell me to be quiet." " I will."