"WARPLANE ENGINES ROAR" "I'm on my own" "# Nowhere to roam" "# I tell you, man" "# Don't need a home" "I wander round" "Feet off the ground" "# I even go from town to town" "# I say I'll be your man" "You know I'll be your man" "Don't bring me down" "Don't bring me down" "# I met this chick" "The other day" "# And then to her" "I said I'll stay" "She had this pad" "# Just like a cave..." "Jimmy Perry?" "C 'est moi!" "# I say my feet are off the ground" "Say I'll be your man" "Don't bring me down" "# Don't bring me down..." "INTERCOM BUZZES" "Mr Croft, Tom will see you now." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "And, no, I said to my father, I didn't need exams," "I was going to be a great actor or a famous comedian, and..." " HE LAUGHS ...he looked at me..." "He looked at me, like so, and said, "You stupid boy."" "He did, just like, "Stupid boy."" "So..." "Anyway." "Um..." "Do you know what I did when I first got this job?" "I lost Tony Hancock." "Impossible demands." "Nobody could've kept him." "It wasn't my fault." "I got the blame." "And it's not my fault we're losing Benny bloody Hill." ""And then he pretends to be a hunchback..."" "No, pas de problème." "Let's..." "So, shall we give it a spinola?" "Um..." "IRISH ACCENT:" ""So I'm not going up there!" ""What do you think I am, a squirrel?"" "Um..." "Came out a bit dark, didn't it?" "Comedy love, come on." "LANCASHIRE ACCENT:" ""I'm not going up there." ""What the flaming 'eck do you think I am," ""bloody hellfire, woman, a squirrel?"" "I mean, that's too much." "WELSH ACCENT: "What do you think I am, a squirrel?"" "I can hear him now see..." " HE CHATTERS LIKE A SQUIRREL" "GEORDIE ACCENT:" ""I'm not going up there, man." ""What do you think..." "What do you think...?"" "HIGH-PITCHED:" ""Neither my wife nor I..."" "Benny was impossible." "He didn't even want a producer." "Sometimes you need to bow to the talent." "Are you questioning the quality of my work?" "This is the BBC." "It's a very competitive environment." "SLOWLY: "I'm not a man!" "I'm not a beast!" ""I'm like the man in the moon!"" ""I'm so ugg-er-ly-"" "You've seen the Steptoe recordings." "You know how high the bar's set." "With respect, Tom, I've not chosen my projects." "Innovators!" "That's what we need." "You don't want to play it too safe." "Well, I'm sure my work will be more...distinctive when I have control of the scripts." "I'm confident of that." "Good." "You need to kick on, or..." "Trevor Eve?" "LAUGHING FROM THE ROOM" "DOOR SLAMS it Don't bring me down it But until then I'll stay as I am it Say I'll be your man it Don't bring me down it Don't bring me down. it" "Every scene on a sofa, they're dull characters, mishaps that wouldn't happen..." "It's utter tosh!" "Oh, not again." "Do stop." "And they think I'm repping!" "It La-la-la-la-la!" "Laa-laa-laa-laa-laa-laa...#" "You never get TV jobs." "Don't do it to yourself." "Stop auditioning." "Stop?" "!" "I can't do that." "I'm an actor." "What else would I do?" " I've told you." "No, I'm not going into antiques, relying on family at my age." "No." "Writing." "You'd be good." "You're funny, strict with yourself." "I'd write myself a better part than that." "Well, exactly." "Oh, please, let's not go broke." "Write." "Write anything." "TAPS PIPE" "I need an idea." "I make myself indispensable." "That's the plan." "Well, you do that by doing your own show." "That's the plan." "All I need is a first-rate idea." "No milk today" "My love has gone away" "The bottle stands forlorn" "# A symbol of the dawn" "No milk today" "# It seems a common sight" "# But people passing by" "# Don't know the reason why" "How could they know" "# Just what this message means?" "# The end of my hopes" "The end of all my dreams... #" "MUSIC:" "Fugue In D Minor by The Swingle Singers" "HE LAUGHS TO HIMSELF" "A juicy part, not the crumpet, but out your hair and wear a short skirt just in case." "Four o'clock." "Bye, darling." "I've written a comedy." "Reg Varney's brother in Beggar My Neighbour'?" " A regular?" "A scene." "You don't have to audition and the money's not bad." "I'll do it." "I don't know what to do with this now I've finished." "I'll read it. if it's any good, I'll give it to Michael Mills." "Mm!" "Who's he?" "He's Head of Comedy at the BBC." "Written myself a nice little spiv part." "My ticket." "Sorry, a spiv?" "What's it about?" "The war." "Well, the Home Guard." "I was in it before I was called up." "David's producing Beggar My Neighbour." "Give him a copy." "Oh, can't you?" "I could." "Better from you." "Hattie!" "Hello." "Jimmy, cough and a spit, playing Harry's brother." "Morning, everyone." "Major Croft." "Feel the hush." "Ah, Jimmy, delighted you could join us." "So am I. Thank you, Mr Croft." "David." "Bit grim." "Does he turn nasty?" "Not that I've seen." "Doesn't say much, but he's usually spot-on." "Right, this episode of Beggar My Neighbour is called" "My Fair Harry Butt." "David..." "I've got a script." "All actors have a script." "Not like this one, they don't." ""The Fighting Tigers."" " Yes." "PHONE RINGS" "Ann?" "It's Jimmy." "Hello!" "Um, look, I gave it to David." "Do you think he'll read it tonight?" "Hang on." "Will you read Jimmy's script tonight?" "He says, "Yes, definitely."" "HE SIGHS" "He wouldn't dodge you if he hated it." "He's not like that." "He could've dropped a hint." "Oh." "Got it wrong." "He is dodging you." "Cheerio!" "Bye." "Oh, bugger this." "Jimmy?" "I've been trying to get you on your own all day." "I read your script." "It's a terrific idea." "Terrific." "Do you think so?" "Thank you, thank you." "Really?" "What do you like?" "I knew..." " Leave it with me." "I'll speak to Michael Mills and be in touch." "Now, look here, I don't think you should do this." "Bad time, politically." "Tom Sloan..." "Oh, Tom wants me to do more." "He wants me to be more innovative." "Not only Tom." "New BBC One Controller, Paul Fox, he's an ex-paratrooper, takes the War pretty damn seriously, you know?" " So do I." "Not like Foxy." "Doesn't even like chaps driving German oars." "THEY LAUGH" "War's old hat anyway." "Look out the window." "It's different times." "I think just enough time's passed for this to really land." "It'll be a battle to get this through." "Battles mean casualties." "I'll take the ﬂak, Michael." "I want to do this." "You're absolutely sure?" "We've discussed my ambitions." "This is what I've been waiting for." "Good man!" "Back you to the hilt." "Can't save you if you foul up, though." "Understood?" "Promising stuff." "Not there yet." "Some suggestions..." "MUSIC:" "Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison" "Come on!" " CHILDREN CHATTER EXCITEDLY" "Ah, Jimmy." "All right, everyone, all aboard." "Not all mine." "Not quite." "I thought we could talk while I drop them off at..." "Well, all over, really." "Climb in." "If anyone's going to be sick, what's the code?" "I know!" "I know!" " THEY KNOCK ON THE GLASS" "Ann's oar." "Want to know why she got it?" "CHILDREN'S CHATTER QUIETENS" "Her idea to spray it white, too." "We hire it out for weddings." "Pays for itself." "Very clever lady, my agent." " Good news." "Michael Mills likes it." "The BBC will pay for a script." "Not the one you've written, a new one." "And Michael wants some changes." "He doesn't like the title." "He wants to call it Dad's Army." "There's more." "Michael wants you to have a co-writer." " Who?" "He suggested me." "JIMMY LAUGHS" "I didn't know you were a writer, as well." "CHILDREN LAUGH" "So, what do you think?" "In theory, yes." " Good!" "Well, there's something else..." "I..." "Oh, God, it's like asking someone out." " Steady on." "I wrote it to give myself a part." "I want to play Walker." "Michael approves all casting." "I need a guarantee." " Jimmy, I don't want to start our partnership telling you I can do something that I can't." "We could make something brilliant." "You'll at least consider me for the role?" "Yes, I can do that." "He was in my Home Guard platoon, and he used to say, "They do not like the cold steel."" ""They do not like it up 'em."" "HE LAUGHS" " Who would like it?" "JIMMY CHUCKLES" " I don't think this bit's funny." "Well, I do." "MUSIC:" "Take Five by Dave Brubeck" "You'll see me do it sometime." "I'm being "considered", remember?" "Oh, there's really no need, Jimmy." "You read Mainwaring." "Well, yes..." "I don't like..." "That's very funny." "COCKNEY ACCENT:" "Well, I'm a wholesale supplier, aren't I?" "HE LAUGHS" "I supply essential supplies." "Any previous military experience?" "I got a girlfriend in the ATS." "I'll keep doing it until you cast me." " HE LAUGHS" "Well, shall we send it in?" "I suppose so." "Will they like it?" "HE GUFFAWS" "HE CHUCKLES" "SILENCE" "Now, look here, Tom Sloan's lukewarm and Paul Fox is very uneasy." "What don't they like?" "Foxy thinks you're taking the piss." " Not even nearly." "Newswallah, needs a few comedy lessons off me." "He also asked, "Why now?"" " So that's it?" "We're done." "No." "I'm Head of Comedy and I want a series!" "Write me another five!" "What, you can do that?" " Yes." "But they might not show it." "They will if it's very, very good." "Exactly!" "Make it good enough for Foxy." "No-one likes wasting money." "How long do we have to write it?" "Slightly less time than you need." "Hodges reminds me of this man I worked with at Butlin's, a real lout." "I worked at Butlin's." "No, hi-de-hi." "Ho-de-ho!" "Fabulous Joe Walker line!" "It Hey, little hen" "When, when, when will you lay me an egg for my tea?" "#" "I wonder if he's a bit Richmond Nicks in this episode." "What if I move the comma here?" " Keep that, lose that." " Yes, terrible idea." "Who wrote that?" "TOGETHER: it When, when, when" "Will you try to supply one for me-e-e-e?" "it" "Do you think we should try and get them in uniform?" "No, running gag." "Uniforms don't arrive." "Read that back." ""End of Episode Six."" "Casting!" "That's what'll make it." "Yes!" "Easy to misjudge these characters." "Walker the spiv, for instance, could be horribly over the top with the wrong actor." "Hm." "It's a gang show." "The gang has to work together or the whole boat sinks." "No mistakes." "Not one." "Now, look here, there's only one actor in Equity to play Mainwaring." "One actor!" "Thorley Walters!" "MUSIC:" "Unsquare Dance by Dave Brubeck" "Yeah." "Sure." " KNOCK AT DOOR" "Yeah." "Thorley Walters says no." "Jon Pertwee!" "KNOCK AT DOOR" "Jon Pertwee says yes." "Tell him what we're paying." "KNOCK AT DOOR" "Jon Pertwee says no." "Well..." "I wondered, um..." "Arthur Lowe?" "In the northern thing?" "Coronation Street." "Oh, no." "No, no, no, no." "Well, he's done two comedies since then." "No, we don't know him at the BBC." "I've seen him in rep, he can be very funny." "No, we don't know him here." "You really think Arthur can do it?" "I can judge an actor, you know." " You're sure?" "His comic timing is perfect." "Well, if you're sure." "I'm sure." "Let's meet him." "The devilled kidneys, are they made with cream?" "Yes, they are." " Double cream?" " Yes." "You don't sound too sure?" " I am." "It's definitely double cream." "And you use English mustard?" " Of course." "Just a touch." "It should never overpower." "I'll make sure Chef knows." " Very well." "I'll try them." "I'd also like two fried eggs, two Cumberland sausages, mushrooms and extra toast with butter." "Thank you for asking me to lunch, although I'm wary of putting myself into another situation comedy." "Captain Mainwaring's a very different part to Leonard Swindley." "All the same, I wouldn't want to be in something silly... something like, like that dreadful Hugh And /." "I directed and produced every episode of Hugh And I, and I'm very proud of it." "Of course, a lesser man could be embarrassed in a situation like this." "This wine's rather good, you know." "There's no way out of this?" " DAVID:" "Arthur said yes on the spot." "Oh, dear." "Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear." "Oh, dear." "Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh,dean" "Michael, I'm absolutely sure that he's the very best we can get." "Definitely!" "I guarantee it." "Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear." "Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear." "John Le Mesurier." "Big man, small man, that'll work." "He always does the same thing." " Exactly!" "You know what you're getting." "And he suffers so beautifully." "Always cast an actor who's like the role and you won't go far wrong." "COCKNEY ACCENT:" "Not wrong there, guv!" "My card!" "Jimmy Perry, actor, spivs a speciality." "Yes." "It's not all about bloody Walker." "I'm wounded you're sending this out." "Is this the best you can do?" "We know the character isn't fully rounded." "A Scotsman?" "That's the character description?" "Nothing else?" "Nothing on God's Earth could persuade me to accept this insult." "I'm sorry to hear that, John." "But for one thing." "I never turn a job down if I'm available." "And I am." "So, I accept." "I'm delighted to be asked." "I should like to do it very much, but I do worry about letting people down." "I'll do my best to protect you, Arnold, but I should warn you there may be some running around." "Oh..." "Well, I expect I'll manage." "Thought I was getting showered in tea there, that's arthritis in his hand." "No." "German bayonet." "The Somme." "Gripes, can he use it?" "Well enough to join up for the Second World War and get invalided out of that, too." "I should think a bit of light comedy's attainable." "John Le Mesurier's stalling." "We offered to Jack Haig for Corporal Jones but he's a friend of Tom Sloan's." "Tom told him we'd only get one series so he said no." "What?" "!" "You didn't tell me that!" "So we approached Clive Dunn." " Good thinking." "We're fighting the enemy within!" "David's done hundreds of shows." "He can navigate the rum business." "I know Tom has doubts, but that's sabotage." "Jimmy, we're on our own." "If Dad's Army bombs, many people will enjoy saying they told us so as they escort us from the building." "That's why the casting has to be the very, very best we can get." "Now, look here," "Paul Fox is coming for a tour of the department so, chaps..." " Right." "Paul!" "Jimmy Perry, Paul Fox, BBC One Controller." "Hello." "Pleased to meet you." "The sixth floor has grave doubts about your show." "Well, I hope you'll change your mind when you watch it, Paul." "So do the accountants, yes." "And we're all their slaves." "Excuse me." "Michael, how are you?" "You can't protect Michael." "It's his neck as well as yours, you know." "Well, what about my neck?" "Let's talk about it later, Jimmy." "Yeah." "No, I know, I know." "No." "Hello." "No, you didn't see me in that last thing." "I was bad." "Never been worse." " Really, Clive, don't exaggerate." "I can't play another old man." "I'm only 48." "I've read it a few times now and can't help thinking it's rather good." "You know, funny." "Almost." "And I could get out more." "And I should probably get out less." "Are you going to do it?" "Are you?" " Money's not great." " No." "Well, if we get the money up, will you do it?" "OK." "Deal." "Cheerio." " Cheerio." "Clive, you're on in ten!" " I'm coming, alright." "You're not going to cast me." "I'm sorry." "I wrote the bloody thing to be in it!" "DOOR SLAMS" "So, I've played spivs for 20 years." "It's a character role, it's not the lead." "This was going to set me up." "Well, am I not good enough?" "Do you think I can't do it?" "You know, tell me the truth, I can take it." "This will be hard to hear, Jimmy." "I think you're every bit good enough." "Then cast me." "Come on, you went against Michael for Arthur." "Do it for me." "It's my decision not to cast you." "It wouldn't be good for the show." "HOW?" "It's an ensemble, a company." "If the company works, the show works." "These are difficult older actors." "Having the writer in the company would be divisive." "They'd think you were giving yourself the best lines." "Now, you have to decide which side of the camera you want to be on." "The other side" " I'm an actor!" "It's too late, Jimmy." "You've written the series." "You're behind the camera." "I need you with me." "I resent this." "I resent this... more than I can say." "I never wanted to be a writer!" "Look at the work." "You ARE one." "It's for the benefit of the show." "HE SCOFFS" "The greater good!" "Yeah!" "The bloody war again!" "I'm completely powerless." "I..." "I should just walk away." "Jimmy..." "FOOTSTEPS APPROACH" "A chance like this might not come again." "Oh, you're not going to bugger it up over a part, are you'?" "You know how much it means to me." "I'm an actor- I'll be one till I die." "A jobbing actor, till you die in poverty." "That's bloody rude." " You need to hear it!" "You've written something tailored to your strengths and it's still, "No, thanks."" "What does that say?" "It says you're a pretty decent actor." "But if it's a good part, there's someone better." "And it IS a good part, because you wrote it." "You're a good writer, not an average actor." "That's the real you!" "Unless you need to fail." " Of course I don't!" "Then forget acting." "Think about the show, your show, you've written." "Seize it!" "On or off?" " Off." "You've never been a stupid boy." "Now, I don't want to overstate it, but I think this is the kind of role that could really make a career." "Right." "That's good news." "I'm so sorry I'm late." "Hello." "Hello." "Jimmy Perry, the creator and co-writer." "James Beck." "Well, I'm a Jimmy, too." "Shall I go?" " Oh, when you're ready." "Evenin', gents." "Name?" " My card." "Joe Walker, wholesale supplier." "I suppose you won't be with us very long." "You'll be called up any day now, I should think." "No, guv." "No, no, no." "I'm a... whatsitsname..." "reserved occupation." "How do you make that out?" " Well, I'm a wholesale supplier, aren't I?" "I supply essential supplies." "HE CHUCKLES" "Any previous military experience?" "Well, I got a girlfriend in the ATS." "HE LAUGHS" "Very good." "Very good." "Well, he blew a lot of laugh lines." "Look, I'm sorry, I'm turning my life upside down for this show - everything I've been for 30 years!" "I'm not putting my life on the line, just my career and my house." "Oh, Bill Pertwee and Ian Lavender have said yes, too." "So, we're cast, then." "Let's hope they get on." "We'll get them on location in Norfolk, drinking and swapping stories." "If we can just forge a tightknit unit before the live recordings, we'll be all right." " No gang, no show." "Well, I've seen the weather forecast." "At least the elements are on our side." "What a relief!" "Well, it's only a little shower, it'll pass in a minute." "I'd like a car like this." "One with a whiff of vomit?" "Shouldn't be beyond the bounds of possibility." "Not a chance, on our wages." "Eh'?" "Eh'?" "You want to know what we're making?" "LOWE:" "How much?" "!" "But that's..." "Both of you?" "!" "MUSIC:" "Tin Soldier by The Small Faces" "Fall in, everyone!" "Fall in?" "Really, old chap, we're only pretending to be soldiers this time, you know." "You all right, Arthur?" "I had some rather upsetting news." "I'm sorry to hear that, Arthur." "Is there anything I can help with?" "For the good of the show, I have shaken the upset off - but, if there is a second series, I will not shake it off." "Is that clear?" "Good for you, Arthur." "Thank you." "DAVID:" "Right, let's get ready for a take." "You come to wish David luck?" "No, I've come to wish you luck." "I need it." "You do." "DIRECTOR:" "Scene 28, take one." "And... action." "Squad 'shun!" "Left turn!" "Men, you may wonder why I've brought you here." "I'm placing this unit under the command under the command of..." "HE MOUTHS" "Colonel Square." "Colonel Square." " Let's go again." "LOWE:" "Colonel Square, Colonel Square." " Cut." "Take two." "Squad 'shun!" "Right turn!" "Oh, it's left, isn't it?" " Cut." "Left, right, left, right- it's left, not right." "Again." " Why has...?" "Standing by." "DAVID:" "Colonel Square." "Colonel Square." "You're probably thinking, "Why has he...?"" "I'll go again." "DIRECTOR:" "Resetting, please, ladies and gents." " Men you may be wondering, why I brought you here." "Dammit!" " Thank you, ladies and gentlemen..." "JIMMY:" "Well, you're not REALLY worried, are you?" "Well, with television," "I find that anything can go wrong, any time." "LAUGHTER" "MUSIC:" "Stranger On The Shore by Acker Bilk" "What's it called?" " I call it a Gin Amazon." "My own invention." "Rather a well-balanced aperitif, I think you'll find." "Nice." "There's too much ice and cucumber, though." "I'm going to have a word." "It's all right - we all don't need to have the same drink to get on." "I want my men to enjoy this drink as it should be enjoyed." "THEY LAUGH - "My men"?" "!" "Really, Arthur." "Every company has a leader." "The pips are only on the costume, old boy." "Er, look, I just thought you were all marvellous today," "I really did." "I couldn't be more delighted." "Sod this." "Let's get some fish and chips." "Good idea." "Oh, thank you so much." "Sheer gluttony." "Arthur's teeth are going to kill him!" "Thank you, Matilda, that's awfully kind of you." "That's quite all right, John." "Ahem..." "Any other favours while she's down there?" "MIMICS JOHN:" "Matilda, sweetheart," "I was wondering if you could take the top off my eggs, and maybe cut my toast into soldiers." "THEY LAUGH" "We could all tip fivers, we wouldn't get that level of service." "Stop being tiresome - she's just an awfully sweet girl." "ALL:" "Ooh!" "Morning, everyone." " Morning, Arnold." "Ah, you made it through the night!" "Hardly seems worth your while eating." "LAUGHTER" "Morning, Arthur." "Morning, Jimmy." " Morning." "Ah, Arnold, mind if I join you?" " Not at all!" "Please do." "Yes, how's everyone getting on?" "Hm!" "I haven't had the chance to say, but your scripts are very good, you know." "Oh, gosh, Arnold, thanks." "That means a lot, coming from you." "Now, I'm a great admirer of your plays." "The Ghost Train, I've seen it so many times." "I've often thought I'd like to have your royalties!" "Yes, I've often thought I'd like my royalties, too." "I ran a film company that went bust before the war, and I made the very bad decision to sell off the rights to all my plays so I could pay everyone off quickly." "Never, ever do this." "Writers must always hold on to their bloody rights!" "Well, why didn't you write more plays?" "The ideas dried up." "The ones I had were mucked about with." "You're lucky - you're on set, in charge." "Make the most of it." "Some writers can end up as old actors." "A terrible, terrible fate!" "JIMMY:" "Hodges is a bully, Bill." "ALL CHATTER" "PERTWEE:" "Welcome aboard, welcome aboard." "OK, have a wonderful day." "Whoa, whoa, no, no, no." "Jimmy, Arthur's not here." "He's not?" "Thanks." "LAUGHTER" "LOWE:" "Who's that?" "Arthur, it's Jimmy." "Are you all right?" "You've missed the bus, love." "LOWE:" "I can't go yet." "Why not?" "I can't "go" yet." "I'll give you a lift." "I'll wait outside." "Have you considered All-Bran?" "All-Bran?" "That's like mattress stuffing!" "Well, people swear by it, give it a try." "I certainly won't." "Well, I'll get you some anyway, just in case you change your mind." "That girl that does the cakes - Carole." "What about her?" "I like Mr Kipling cakes - could you let her know?" "You could tell her yourself." "Very well." "Buxom little thing." "Who's poking her, do you know?" "I've no idea, Arthur." "Of course, Joan would never put up with that sort of thing." "Someone needs to decide on footage for the titles." "I'll do it." "Oh, and Derek Taverner's sent more music." "NEWSREEL: '..begins its fruitless march of conquest 'and sets the stage for World War ll." "'Poland's 34 million inhabitants crushed, scattered and enslaved." "'Tens of thousands of square miles of territory shrink 'before the movement of lightly-armoured columns...'" "TEARFULLY:" "Turn it off, Jimmy." "'.." "Learn the meaning of a grim new word" " Blitzkrieg." "'Here...'" "Thank you." "Anyway, swimming..." "Sorry, Arthur." "I did like that voice of yours." "AS PIKE:" "Oh, did you, Mr Mainwaring?" " Mm!" "Well, you won't hear it for a while - I've hardly any lines." "Don't worry about the lines, they'll come." "Get a funny costume and stand next to me." "Thanks, Arthur." "Niagara Falls!" "That's what he said!" "LAUGHTER" "No-one else for a Gin Amazon?" "Oh, no, thank you, Arthur." "That's very kind, I had one last night." "LOWE:" "More for me." "It's revenge, for me, this show." "Oh, why?" "What did you do in the war?" "Daddy?" "He did nothing." "He sat on his arse." "I got captured." "Four years as a POW, and actually they kept me very busy." " PERTWEE:" "Jimmy!" "ALL CHEER" "Come and sit down." "PERTWEE:" "Jimmy, Jimmy, come and sit down, come on!" "No, thanks, John, I shouldn't really - work to do." "Let me put something behind the bar, stand my round." "Come on!" "No, I must, I must." "You all have a good night." "PERTWEE:" "Oh, God bless you, Jimmy." "Good night." " Jimmy..." " Jimmy, write well." "LAUGHTER" "Anyway, as I was saying, so the big hand was on the three..." "KNOCK AT DOOR" "Ah, Jimmy, how's the gang?" "I understand why I can't play Walker." " Good." "I'll continue to resent it, though." "I know." "Those the rewrites?" "Yes." "They're very funny." "Was there something else?" "John Laurie saw some of the title footage." "It's not too close to the war for this show, is it?" "No." "It's a bit late if it is, Jimmy." "BECK:" "Hello." "Hello, Jimmy." "Come along, lovely boys, lovely boys." "See you down there." "Just a minute, just a minute - wait we haven't got Arthur, Mr..." "Mr..." "Don't panic!" "LAUGHTER" "Don't panic, Mr Perry, don't panic!" "Did you get the All-Bran?" "I did." "It worked a treat." "A revelation." "Thank you." "Well, if it worked, why didn't you get the bus?" "Aren't you driving me every day?" "I'm the writer." "I'm the writer!" "I'm not your bloody chauffeur." "Oh, God!" "That's the ticket, Lavender Blue!" " AS PIKE:" "Oh, thank you, Mr Mainwaring." "Mum knitted it - she used all her coupons." "Hilarious, boy, hilarious." "Well clone." "Oh, thanks." "Bud Flanagan's agreed to sing your song." " No!" "Then Derek and I will record it- now, we have a theme tune!" "Hoo-hoo!" "TAPS MIC" "Is this mine, Marsha?" "We all set up for you OK in there, Mr Flanagan?" "Perfectly, along as the money's all right." "Is it?" "Oh, good, then call me Bud." "Right!" "Right, you sure you don't want to hear the tune again first?" "No, it sounds like something I've been singing for years." "In a good way." "ENGINEER:" "Recording." "A CAPPELLA: it Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think we're on the run?" "We are the boys who will stop your little game" "We are the boys who will make you think again" "Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think old England's done?" "# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21" "# But he comes home each evening" "# And he's ready with his gun #80, who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "If you think old England's done?" "#" "Will that do'?" "TEARFULLY:" "That's..." "It's perfect, Bud." "Thank you." "BUD SNIFFS" "Good song." "Good luck with the show." "SINGS TO HIMSELF: it Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler...?" "#" "THEME PLAYS" "HE MIMICS MILITARY DRUMS" "Oh, I think we might be all right, after all." "What?" "What, you don't think so?" "The live recordings will make this." "Cast get on." "It's just..." "Goulash, goulash..." "It'll be great." "OK, chaps, let's run the lines." "Oh, yes, sorry." "Oh, Wilson, this is no time for red tape, erm hordes of parachutes, erm..." "And again." "Oh, Wilson, this is no time for red tape." "Hordes of parachutes disguised as nuns will drop out of the sky into Wiltshire?" "Try that line again, please, Arthur." "WHISPERS:" "And all the others." "Christ." "Oh, Wilson, this is no time for red tape." "Hordes of parachutes have got it and are wrapping it round buildings." "You're very good, Arthur." " Oh..." "Well, he's a lovely man, John, but he's got a head like a sieve." "You wanted something, John?" "Yes." "Help!" "KNOCK AT DOOR" "DOOR OPENS" "Got a minute, Arthur?" "Joan's waiting." "We're dining out." "Erm... got you another script." "Hm?" "Well, I thought you could leave one copy here and put the other one under your pillow." "Perhaps the lines will seep through while you're sleeping." "I couldn't have that sort of thing in the house." "That would never do." "Ridiculous." "It's completely ridiculous." "JIMMY:" "Arthur..." "Arthur, please." "Arthur." "David, Jimmy, sorry to bother you." "Erm, this line, here - I don't want to say it." "It's rude." "What, "They don't like it up 'em"?" "It's on the gentle side of rude, surely?" "Corporal Jones has no idea it's rude." "It's only rude to you." "Think about it, Clive." "I'd really like you to say it." "So would I." "Oh, God, bloody actors!" "Hello, Paul." "Tom." "So, what do you think, did you enjoy the rehearsal?" "Hard to tell, when the lead can't remember his lines." "Shame it's too late to recast." "Well, fear of a live audience helps some actors." "Yes, I've heard that." "Still, good that you can be so positive in the face of everything." "Well, fear isn't helping me." "I don't need any bloody All-Bran, I can tell you." "I hope we haven't made a mistake casting Arthur." "# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think we're on the run..." "AUDIENCE MEMBERS COUGH" "We are the boys who will stop your little game" "We are the boys who will make you think again... #" "APPLAUSE" "See, now we're getting to know each other." "So, will you give a big rousing BBC welcome, a good old friend of mine, Arthur Lowe!" "There he is." "CHEERING" "Wonderful Arthur." "'Playing the wonderful Sergeant Wilson, he's playing, and that's a dear old friend of mine." "John Le Mesurier!" "'There's John." "Out you come, John.'" " APPLAUSE" "Playing Private Frazer, John Laurie." "This is Arnold Ridley playing Private Godfrey." "Come on out, Arnie." "CHEERS AND APPLAUSE" " Wonderful, wonderful." "Well, my name's Bill Pertwee and I'm playing the warden and I wish you all..." "I hope you have a wonderful evening." "Oh, well." "Not much we can say now." "Apart from fingers crossed." "APPLAUSE" "DIRECTOR:" "Clear the set." "Ready to record." "'And... action.'" "Oh, there you are, sir." "Did you get the enrolment forms?" " No." "Haven't they got any at the police station?" "They wouldn't let me have any without putting in an application form." "Oh, why didn't you, sir?" " They haven't got any." "I got those, however." " But these are paying-in forms, sir." "Don't keep putting obstacles in the way, Wilson!" "LAUGHTER" "Arthur's marvellous." "My casting is marvellous!" "HE LAUGHS" "PARTY CHAT" "...That woman laughed over your line." " That was the wife." " The wife?" "!" "John, thank you." "That was gorgeous." "Arthur, you were brilliant!" "No need to sound quite so surprised, Jimmy." " Well, no." "But didn't he?" "He remembered nearly every line." " He was wonderful." "Jimmy, that's not actually a compliment." "I thought you used to be an actor." "Yes, I... used to be an actor." "Well, only five more to go." " Yes, well, keep up the rewrites." "Get rid of the drafts." "There's not a lot, but there's enough." "Yes, Arthur." "ALL YELL" "Where were you, back in..." " AUDIENCE LAUGHTER ...up and down the village all morning, as for you, Wilson..." "Pike!" "...From the left bank or the right bank..." "Ten'shun!" "AUDIENCE LAUGHTER" "Pike!" " Yes, Captain Mainwaring." "Get that stupid scarf off, you stupid boy." "AUDIENCE LAUGHTER" "DUNN:" "They don't like it up 'em, Mr Mainwaring!" "They don't like it up 'em!" "KNOCK ON DOOR" " Come in." "Hello, Paul." "I've watched it." " Ah." "KNOCK ON DOOR" " Come in." "Now, look here, Tom..." "I see." "They don't like it?" " No-one's saying that." "Well, what precisely don't they like?" " All sorts." "Everything." "Now, look here, this is what we do." "OK, chaps." "Gather round." "So..." "We're going to film a scene for the start of the episode of all of you looking back on your time in the Home Guard with pride." "Looking back?" "!" "Yes." " From when?" "From... now?" "30 years later?" "!" " Yes..." "LAUGHTER" "LOWE:" "There is a time when you have to stand firm." "That is what this show is about." "Remember?" "Standing firm against a seemingly stronger enemy." "MURMURS OF AGREEMENT" " Bravo!" " Well said, Arthur!" "Yes." "Well..." "We'll do it this once." "But no more." "The new scene helps, but Paul would like you to change the titles." "No!" "Absolutely not!" "It stops here!" "I've been uneasy with this project from the start." "You made that very clear." " The titles reinforce that unease." "They mix fact with fiction." "The point of the series is to contrast the pathetic, brave, yet comic Home Guard against the Nazi hordes." "Exactly." "That's what we're getting at." "I understand the point of the series." "I don't agree that it needs underlining with real footage." "It's a comedy." "The Nazis weren't funny." " MILLS:" "Now, look here." "Comedy is about more than laughing." "Nearly all the cast served in the war, Jimmy and David served." " We did." "India, both of us." "Most of us laughed more in the war than any time since." "Are you saying we don't know what's serious?" "Comedy defines this generation." "Wit, irony, humanity in the face of the impossible." "Everyone who lived through it will understand it and those who didn't." "What I wonder is if the clowns are supposed to stay clowns in your new BBC One?" "Can we not be serious or push in to new areas?" "This channel showed Till Death Us Do Part." "Hardly conservative." "Hm?" "And I'm not sure that Dad's Army will push us into new areas." "Yes." "Er, what do we do about the titles?" "It appears we've reached an impasse." "Of course, if you're not happy, Paul, they'll change it." "MUSIC:" "All Or Nothing by The Small Faces" "You're supposed to be on our side, Tom." "He was going to concede." "I know." " Then why back down?" "Especially when we'd won the argument?" "So he doesn't hate this show." "He's had his little victory." "He'll feel better about it." "Or do you want to go out after Match Of The Day in the middle of the night?" "I have to change my titles." "Nobody watches a show for the titles." "Change it for something better." "He has a point." "THEME TUNE PLAYS" "Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think we're on... #" ""No, no, it's ruined, it's ruined." ""I could never watch a show with titles like that," ""it's absolutely..."" "You know, every beat of this has been a compromise for me and it's still bloody good." "Now all we need to know is when it goes out." "If it goes out." "What?" "Are you serious?" "I'm afraid so." "Research department is very keen, apparently." ""Testing is the future of television."" "They're going to turn programming into a science." "Testing?" "What's testing?" "Well, they invite an audience of typical viewers..." "THEME TUNE PLAYS ...play them an episode and ask them what they think." "Oh." "That doesn't sound too bad." "Relax, Jimmy." "It'll be fine." "I thought it was just daft." "I didn't really follow it from the start." "Was that supposed to be now?" "That little bald fella didn't even know his lines." "I didn't laugh out loud once." " I thought it was rubbish." "I quite liked it." "I think it'll be a hit." "Oh, thank God for that dear little man." "I could've kissed him." "He's our audience." "Here's to Dear Little Men." "Let's hope there's a few more like him." ""With more than a hint of taking the mickey out of the Home Guard," ""I enjoyed it."" " KNOCK AT DOOR" "Now look here, we've got a provisional date for Dad's Army." "Wednesday, 31st July, 20 past eight." "Good slot." " Mm." "How was testing?" "Interesting." " That bad?" "Got the report?" "Not yet." " If it's hostile, Foxy will push us into a late-night slot, but it will go out I think." "KNOCK AT DOOR" "Tom Sloan's secretary asked after the audience report on Dad's Army." "What about it?" "They want me to pass it on after you've read it." "Why?" " It's the only copy." "It goes on to Tom Sloan and then on to Paul Fox." "A month till transmission..." "MUSIC:" "Big Noise from Winnetka by Henry Mancini" "Morning, Mr Sloan." " Maggie." "Has that, er, audience research still not come through?" "Not that I've seen, Tom." "Pass it on when it does." " Will do." "Although... hardly seems worthwhile, what with the show coming out tomorrow." "No, I suppose not." "Good luck, by the way." "Thanks, with luck we'll an find audience if not the research." "DAVID:" "I look at Walker and... see a perfectly cast brilliant actor." "HE LAUGHS" "Mm." "It's not my dream but sitting in a room, laughing and thinking up absurd stuff with a... a chum, it isn't the worst way to spend your days." "No, it's not." "I think we're a pretty effective partnership." "Yes." "The happy couple." "And if by some marvel of fate, we do get a second series, then let's make the characters..." "TOGETHER:" "More like the actors." "Warty bye?" "ANNOUNCER: 'Coming up next on BBC One, attention, it's...'" "Here we go." " '..brand-new comedy, Dad's Army.'" "PERTWEE:" "Ian!" "Come on, it's about to start, Ian!" "Put that light out." "That's one of the things I say in the show." "You'll see it a bit later on." ""Put that light out."" "Drinks, Joan!" "You'll need them to watch this." "SHE LAUGHS" "THEME TUNE PLAYS" "I did rather enjoy doing it in the end." "I just hope to God I get a bit more telly off the back of it." "I'm fed up doing these parts." "You're clearly destined to play old codgers." "AS JONES:" "What's that?" "Speak up!" "What's...what's..." "Oh, they don't like it up 'em, the..." "John?" "It's a launch part." "Type of thing that gets you noticed." "People will see what I can do." "# And he's ready with his gun" "# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "If you think old England's done?" "#" "It's doomed!" "Doomed, I tell you." "MUSIC:" "Days by The Kinks" "# Thank you for the days" "Those endless days, those sacred days you gave me" "I'm thinking of the days" "I won't forget a single day, believe me" "# I bless the light" "# I bless the light that lights on you" "Believe me" "And though you're gone" "# You're with me every single day, believe me" "# Days I'll remember all my life" "Days when you can't see wrong from right" "You took my life" "But then I knew that very soon you'd leave me" "# But it's all right" "Now I'm not frightened of this world, believe me" "I wish today" "Would be tomorrow" "# The night is dark" "# It just brings sorrow, let it wait" "# Thank you for the days" "Those endless days, those sacred days you gave me" "I'm thinking of the days" "I won't forget a single day, believe me" "# Days I'll remember all my life" "# Days when you can't see wrong from right" "You took my life" "But then I knew that very soon you'd leave me" "# But it's all right" "Now I'm not frightened of this world, believe me" "# Day-ay-ay-ay-ays" "Thank you for the days... #"