"~ Hey lady ~" "~ You lady ~" "~ Cursing at your life ~" "~ You're a discontented mother ~" "~ And a regimented wife ~" "~ I've no doubt you dream about ~" "~ The things you 'll never do ~" "~ But I wish someone had've talked to me ~" "~ Like I wanna talk to you ~" "~ Ooh I've been to Georgia and California ~" "~ And anywhere I could run ~" "~ Took the hand of a preacher man and we ~" "~ Made love in the sun ~" "~ But I ran out of places and friendly faces ~" "~ Because I had to be free ~" "~ I've been to paradise But I've never been to me ~" "~ Please lady ~" "~ Please lady ~" "~ Don't just walk away ~" "~ 'Cause I have this need to tell you Why I'm all alone today ~" "~ I can see so much of me Still living in your eyes ~" "~ Won't you share a part of a weary heart ~" "~ That has lived a million lies ~" "~ Oh I've been to Nice and the isles of Greece ~" "~ While I sipped champagne on a yacht ~" "~ I moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo And showed 'em what I got ~" "~ I've been undressed by kings ~" "~ And I've seen some things That a woman ain't supposed to see ~" "~ I've been to paradise ~" "~ But I've never been to me ~" "~ I've been to paradise ~" "More!" "More!" "Oh, please!" "Put it away!" "Are you OK?" "That was fucking charming, you gutless pack of dickheads." "Fuck off, you talentless dog." " What was that?" " Show us your pink bits." "No." "Know why this mic has such a long cord?" "So it's easily retrieved after I've shoved it up your arse." "Christ almighty." "What the fuck's going on out there tonight?" "Are you hurt?" "All right, which one of you bitches sat on my dress?" "Tick, darling, it's for you." " Hello?" " Ding dong, Avon calling." "Howdy, sunshine." "Long time no hear." " Where?" " Emergency Ward A." "Mr Belrose?" "Yes?" "So, how about it?" "Get off him!" "Taxi!" "Taxi!" "Yeah?" "Bernadette?" "It's Tick." "Sorry to call you so late but I..." "Hey, are you OK?" "No, I'm not." "What's the matter?" "Trumpet just died." "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want." "He maketh me to lie down in green pastures." "He leadeth me beside the still waters." "He restoreth my soul," "He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake." "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil." "For Thou art with me." "Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me." "Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies." "Thou anointest my head with oil." "My cup runneth over." "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever." "It's not fair." "I spent half my life and all my savings trying to snag a sympathetic husband and the selfish little shit goes and dies on me." "25 years old and he goes and slips over in a bathroom." "He didn't slip." "He was peroxiding his hair at home again and he asphyxiated on the fumes." "I've got to get some space." " I've been asked to do a show out of town." " That's nice." "Why don't you come with me?" "I'll need help and we could both use the break." "You're not wrong." "Where is it?" "Alice Springs." "You've got to be fucking joking." "Wo-Man is a unique range of speciality facial products designed for the more heavy-duty woman in us all." "Excuse me." "Hello?" "How long is the run?" "Four weeks." "Equity minimum, two shows a night, accommodation included." "I can't just sit around here crying all the time." "Jesus." "My mascara keeps running." "I look like a racoon." "Good girl, that's the spirit." "Here's hoping the desert's big enough for the two of us." "Three of us." "~ A desert holiday Let's pack the drag away ~" "~ You take the lunch and tea I'll take the ecstasy ~" "~ Fuck off, you silly queer I'm getting out of here ~" "~ A desert holiday Hip, hip, hip, hip hooray ~" "Why?" "Why not?" "Look, he's turned into a bloody good little performer." "Right." "A bloody good little performer." "24 hours a day, 7 days a week." " I thought we were getting away from this shit." " Two's company, three's a party, my sweet." "We're unplugging our curling wands and going bush, Felicia." "Why would you leave all this to hike into the middle of nowhere?" " Do you really want to know?" " Desperately." "Well, ever since I was a lad, I've had this dream, a dream that I finally have a chance to fulfil." "And that is?" "To travel to the centre of Australia, climb Kings Canyon as a queen, in a full-length Gaultier sequin, heels and a tiara." "Great." "Just what this country needs." "A cock in a frock on a rock." "Get back in your kennels, both of you." "The first thing we have to work out..." "is how the hell we're gonna get there." "Ta-da!" " What do you think?" " When do we return it to the school?" "We don't." "We own it." "What?" "I met some nice Swedish tourists called Lars, Lars and Lars, and coaxed it out of them for 10,000 bucks." " We can't afford it." " Well, that's right." ""Mummy, maybe a trip to the outback would help me get over this little phase I'm going through." "And you never know, I might meet some lovely country girl."" "I hereby christen this budget barbie camper:" "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert." "The understatement of the century." "~ Yeah ~" "~ Together we will go away ~" "~ Together we will leave some day ~" "~ Together ~" "Mum!" "Ladies and gentlemen, we're here to see off a very brave woman who will attempt to cross a continent alone." "On behalf of all our sponsors, we'd like..." "~ Go west life is peaceful there ~" "~ Go west in the open air ~" "Ladies, start your engines." "~ Go west sun in wintertime ~" "~ Go west we will do just fine ~" "~ Go west where the skies are blue ~" "~ Go west this and more we'll do ~" "~ Together we will love the beach ~" "~ Together we will learn and teach ~" "~ Together change our pace of life ~" "~ Together we will work and strive ~" "~ This old man, he played two He played nick-nack with my poo ~" "~ With a nick-nack paddy-whack... ~" "Oh, please." "Give me a break." "~ Four fat trannies working on the wall ~" "~ And if one fat tranny should accidentally fall ~" "~ Oh my darling Clementine, ~" " How long have we been on the road?" " Four and a half hours." "I've got a splitting headache already." " Happy hour." " Mother's ruin pour moi" " Long Island tea" " And a Stoli and tonic for me" " Stupid cow." " Well, listen to this." "After we did the ABBA show, Kevin had a liposuction penis enlargement." " He didn't." " Yep." "Do you know what they do?" "They siphon the fat from your love handles and inject it into your wing wang." "Yucky tuu!" "I suppose it gives a whole new meaning to "cracking a fat" though." "Oh, listen to yourselves." "You sound like two fat slags at a pie bake-off." "Well, your contribution to the conversation hasn't exactly made headlines, Bernice." "Gee, poor Kevin 's dick." "Can't be much room down there, with his brain taking up so much space already." "No, I'll join this conversation on the proviso that we stop bitching about people, talking about wigs, dresses, bust sizes, penises, drugs, nightclubs, and bloody ABBA." "Doesn't give us much to talk about, then." "Hey, can you confirm a rumour?" "Is it true that her real name's Ralph?" "How d'you like your little boys, girls?" "You don't have to answer that." "Oh, my God." "What is this?" "Outback With Benny Hill?" "Just leave mine outside at 8 a.m." "Along with an orange juice and toast, please." "Why, certainly, madam." "And would you like Vegemite or jam with that?" "Knock, knock, room service." "Can't you read the sign?" ""Do not disturb." "Come back in the morning."" "Ha, ha." "Open the door." " Good night, Bernice." " Good night, Mitzi." "Open the fucking door!" "OK, if you don't open the door, I'm gonna sing." "Fine." "You asked for it." "~ I don't care if the sun don't shine" "~ I get my loving in the evening time when I'm with ~" "~ My baby ~" "~ It's no fun when there's sun around 'Cause I get going when the sun goes down ~" "~ And I meet my baby ~" "~ That's when we kiss and kiss and kiss And then we kiss some more ~" "~ Don't ask how many times... ~" " Night, John -boy." "I'm seriously falling asleep." "It's your shift and you're gonna stick to it." "Serves you right for staying out all night, slut." "Well, I'm not gonna make it." "~ I don't care if the sun don't shine ~" " Oh, fuck off, grandma." "You all right?" "Me?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "I'm just thinking." "~ Billy don't be a hero ~" "~ Don't be a fool with your life ~" "~ Billy don't be a hero ~" "~ Come back and make me your wife ~" "~ And as Billy started to go ~" "~ She said keep your pretty head low ~" "~ Billy don't be a hero ~" "~ Come back to me ~" "Sorry." "Shit." "What is it?" "Perhaps we should have flown." "Wrong." "But thanks for playing." "Anyone else?" " No." " Witchetty grub, your turn." "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with R." " Rectum." " No." " Ring pirate." " No." "Road?" " All right, that's it." "What's the matter?" " Nothing, darling." "Don't "darling" me, darling." "You've got a face like a cat's arse." " Come on, 'fess up." " Just worried about the show, that's all." "We haven't done any rehearsals yet." "We've got two weeks to rehearse, for Christ's sake." "Now, what is your problem?" "It's not a problem." "I just want this show to be good, that's all." "How the fuck did you get this job?" "Who is the fish that runs this hotel in the middle of nowhere?" "Your mother?" "No, my wife." "Don't tell me you've got an ex-boyfriend tucked away somewhere." "No, my wife." "I'm married." "And when the joint bank account ran dry after a couple of years," "I guess I preferred her wedding ring to mine, so no drama, we swapped and called it a day." "This is getting too weird." "You and a woman?" "What did she do for kicks?" "Put a bucket on your head and swing off the handle?" "There are two things I don't like about you, Felicia:" "Your face." "So how about shutting both of them?" "At least this explains your abysmal batting average." "I often wondered why your dance card was so empty." "I take it you never got a divorce?" "Well, girls, what can I say?" "Here's to a secret very well kept." "Shame it's not going to stay that way." "Got any more little surprises you'd like to share?" "Haven't got any kids stashed away out there as well, have you?" "Look, I haven't lied about anything." "After six years I suddenly get a call screaming for help, and Christ knows, I owe her a couple of favours." "I'm sorry that I never told you." "I'm not sorry that you're here." "Don't worry about it, dolls." "I'm as jealous as all hell." "What?" "So, was it a big wedding?" "Get lots of pressies, did you?" " I wish I was old enough to have been there." " Oh, ha ha." "I would have bought you lovely hers and hers bath mats or something." "Give it a rest." "Not on your life." "Oh, imagine, Mitzi the Magnificent and her blushing bride." "Mowing those lawns must've been murder on your heels." "All right, Felicia, that's enough." "Let's put some money in that seething cesspool mouth." "If I win this game, you will never mention my wife ever in my presence again." " And if I win?" " Name your price." "Well, now, what would I like more than anything else in the whole wide world?" "Snap." "Better be quick." "~ And all the trouble we've been through ~" "~ Ah please don't talk about All of the plans we had ~" "~ For fixing this broken romance ~" "~ I want to go where the people dance ~" "What the fuck am I doing?" "Take that bloody frock off, Felicia." "Don't make it worse." "You think I'm gonna let you walk away with all the attention?" "No chance." "Come on, girls, let's go shopping." "Oh, for Christ's sake." "~ I love the nightlife ~" "~ I got to boogie on the disco'round yeah ~" "What's that?" "Oh, I just adore these hats." "Come on." "~ Please don't talk about love tonight ~" "~ Your sweet talking won't make it right ~" "~ Love and lies just bring me down ~" "~ When you 've got women all over town ~" "You've got to be kidding." "Welcome to the Mario Palace." "Come in." "Come in." "Come in." "What can I do for you?" "Would you like a room, madam?" "Subtle." "Tackarama." "Who the hell does the painting around here?" "Someone with no arms or right foot, by the look of things." "For goodness' sakes, get down off that crucifix." "Someone needs the wood." "What have we here?" "What fun." "Baby bottles of booze." "Oh." "Gather round, girls." "Let me show you a trick." "You drink the gin fill it with water and put it back in the fridge." " Va t'en vous." "And Scotch?" "Ah, that's where the complimentary teabags come in handy." " Very clever." " Cheers, girls." "And congratulations, Mitzi darling, you did it." "One lap of the Broken Hill main drag in drag." "That'll teach you to take on the Fairmont Boys snap champion." "Here's to being off the fucking bus." " Chookers." " Chookers." "Chookers." "So, all dolled up and nowhere to go." "I sure as shit am not sitting here all evening." "I'm in." "Oh, all right." "Here's hoping they have a decent cocktail bar." "Hello." "Could I please have a Stoli and tonic, a Bloody Mary, and a lime daiquiri, please?" "Well look what the cat dragged in." "What have we got here, eh?" "A couple of show girls, have we?" "Where did you ladies come in from?" "Uranus?" " Could I please have a St..." " No, you can't have." "You can't have nothing." "There's nothing here for people like you." "Nothing." "Now, listen here, you mullet." "Why don't you just light your tampon and blow your box apart?" "Because it's the only bang you're ever gonna get, sweetheart." "~ ..." "When I'm with my baby ~" "Now, what could be more soothing than coming home after a hard day's work down the mine to the Wo-Man in us all?" "Now, don't send any money, OK?" "Shit." "All I can see is female impersonators." "This has gotta be a first." "Nobody's ever outdrunk old Shirl before." " Where'd you learn to do that?" " That's our girl, Bernadette." "I knew stumbling round pubs with Les Girls for 200 years must have taught her something." "You're a bloody marvel, Bernie." " Bernadette, please." " What's that?" " My name isn't Bernie." " She said her name isn't Bernie." "It's Ralph." "Come on." "What did you call me?" " What did you call me, what?" " What did you call me in the bar?" "Sorry, Ralph." "You fucking idiot." "Fuck." "Get off me, you fucking..." "Fuck!" "Fucking thing." "It's only my fucking head." " At least that bump's bigger than your prick." " Get fucked, you stupid old bitch." "Oh, piss off, you little faggot." "If your mouth was as big as your dick you wouldn't..." " Good morning." " Morning." "It's funny, you know." "No matter how tough I think I'm getting it still hurts." "Hope it still works." "Not much call for it out here." " Where you blokes from?" " Uranus." "Oh, good." "~ Fish gotta swim birds gotta fly ~" "~ I got to love one man till I die ~" "There, left." "Hope you know what you'r doing." "If we stick to the sealed road, we'll be at it at least another two days." "Take the short cut." "~ Tell me I'm crazy maybe I know ~" "~ Can't help lovin' that man of mine ~" "~ Follie ~" "~ Follie ~" "~ Delirio vano è questo ~" "~ Povera donna ~" "~ Sola abbandonata ~" "~ In questo popoloso deserto Che appellano Parigi ~" "~ A diletti sempre nuovi dee volare il mio pensier ~" "~ Dee volar dee volar ~" "~ Dee volare il mio pensier ~" "~ Dee volar dee volar ~" "~ Ah ah ah ah ah il pensier ~" "I'll smack his face so hard, he'll have to stick his toothbrush up his arse to clean his teeth." " Just lay off." "I told you not to use the R word." " I was only having fun." "Fun?" "What else do you do for amusement?" "Slam your fingers in car doors?" "I like seeing people get hotheaded." "Gives me a kick." "Is it true when you were born the doctor slapped your mother?" "What sort of bent childhood did you have, Adam Whitely?" "Adam." "Adam." "Come in here, boy." "Come and sit over here." "Would you like to have some fun with Uncle Barry?" "We're gonna play a special game but you can't tell anybody, ever, ever, ever, OK?" "What I want you to do is put your hand down here and pull very gently, OK?" "Very gently." "That's good." "That's good." "Jesus Christ, Adam." "Get it off." "Adam, Uncle Barry's ping pongs are caught in the drain." "Get Mummy." " Get Mummy." " No." "What do you mean, no?" "Never, ever, ever, ever." "You know the best part?" "Mum was out playing golf and the dirty old fuck was stuck there for seven hours." "I thought they were small and wrinkled before they got in the water." "Hey, I've got a joke." "Who wants to hear a joke?" "Bernice, it's so funny, you'll laugh so hard your lashes will curl themselves." " Do tell us your hilarious joke." " OK." "Well, once upon a time, many moons ago, there was a famous bunch of Indians called the Fukawie Tribe." "One day, the son of the great chief asks his father," ""Dad, why's my friend Little Hawk called Little Hawk?"" " And his father says..." " "Why d'you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"" "That's not the end of the joke." "So, anyway, back to me." " Jesus." " What's happening?" "I don't know." "Oh, my God." "Oh, Felicia." "Where the fuck are we?" "Shit!" "Shit!" "Shit!" "Oh, shit." "I've had a look around, and we can safely assume that I now know less about motors than when I first lifted up that bonnety thing." "Now what?" "Let's not think about it and eat brekkie." "Oh, that's a novel idea." "Let's stuff ourselves to death." "Imagine the headlines:" ""Whales beach themselves in the outback." "Mystery boomsticks dead in drag."" "No point walking back." "The only life for the last million miles were hypnotised bunnies, and they're wedged in the tyres." "Somebody'll drive past for sure." "We'll keep the fire burning." "Yes, and toast marshmallows and chill champagne for when they arrive." "What if they don't drive past?" "Look, you're not helping here." "Just eat your hormones." "Hell." "Why didn't we stick to the main road?" " What difference does it make now?" " You got us into this, Anthony Belrose, and I suggest you get us back or I don't fancy your chances of ever trying to be a husband again." "Jesus." "What are we gonna do?" "We're gonna start with a face-lift." "Nothing like a new frock to brighten up your day." "Purple?" "It's not purple." "It's lavender." " What do you think?" " It's nice." "In a hideous sort of a way." "Where are you going?" "If you think I'm going to sit around watching Picasso take on public transport, you've got another think coming." "I'll be back with the cavalry in a few hours." "There goes a transsexual, last seen heading south." " We called her Bernie but her real name was..." " Adam!" "Coo-ee!" "Coo-ee!" "Help." "Help." " What's that, Pa?" " What?" "That there." "Looks like a woman." "Help!" "Thank God." "Thank you." "I can't tell you how grateful I am." "~ I just walked in to find you here with That sad look upon your face, I should have... ~" "You fucking beauty." " Oh, shit." " I never thought I'd be so glad to see you." " I wish I could say the same." " I was drawing up the will." "Come and meet our saviours." "Tony, Adam, this is Mr and Mrs Spencer." " Hello." " Hello." "Stop!" "Shit." "Oh, for goodness' sakes, look at yourself, Mitz." "How many times do I have to tell you green is not your colour?" "Do you think about Trumpet much?" "No." "Trumpet was just a nice kid who had a thing about transsexuals." "Lots of people do." "Sort of bent status symbol." ""My girlfriend used to be a boyfriend", that sort of thing." "Always good for a supper invite." "Still, he was better than nothing." "Nothing." "Nothing for miles." "~ Can you hear the drums Fernando?" "~" "I've said it before and I'll say it again." "No more fucking ABBA." "OK, we may as well put the time to good use." "Come on, girls, off your snatches." "Rehearsal time." "~ So you're back from outer space ~" " OK?" "Two bobs to start with, all right?" " Boring." "Ready?" "I did this years ago." "You did it so beautifully, and, darling, you do it so well." "Right, from the top." "One, two... ~ Go on now, go, walk out the door ~" "~ Just turn around now, You're not welcome any more ~" "~ Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbyes... ~" "Hello." "Nice night for it." "I think we just crashed a party." "No, come on." "You'll be right." "Welcome to my office." "Have a seat." "Bernice, what could have possessed you to wear that to a corroboree?" "Shut your face." "Bravo." "Fabulous." "Well, girls, I guess it's our turn." "~ First I was afraid I was petrified ~" "~ Kept thinking I could never live Without you by my side ~" "~ But then I spent so many nights Thinking how you did me wrong ~" "~ And I grew strong And I learned how to get along ~" "~ And so you're back from outer space ~" "~ I just walked in to find you here With that sad look upon your face ~" "~ I should have changed that stupid lock I should have made you leave your key ~" "~ If I'd have known for just one second You 'd be back to bother me ~" "~ Go on now go walk out the door ~" "~ Just turn around now 'Cause you're not welcome any more ~" "~ Weren't you the one Who tried to hurt me with goodbye ~" "~ D'you think I'd crumble?" "D'you think I'd lay down and die?" "~" "~ Oh no not I ~" "~ I will survive ~" "~ Oh as long as I know how to love I know I' II stay alive ~" "~ I've got all my life to live And I've got all my love to give ~" "~ And I' II survive I will survive ~" "~ Hey hey ~" "Hey, take a look at that." "I've got an idea." "~ It took all the strength I had not to fall apart ~" "~ Now I'm trying hard to mend The pieces of my broken heart ~" "~ And I spent oh so many nights Just feeling sorry for myself ~" "~ I used to cry But now I hold my head up high ~" "So you actually make money by dressing up like a woman?" "Sure." "You can make a fine living in a pair of heels." "Why, Alan, you want a job?" "Oh." "If only this dress could talk." "Sometimes I wonder where I get my taste from." "Definitely not my mother." "Serves me right for letting her buy me these awful clothes." "What's this?" "That, my darling, is my most treasured possession in the whole world." "But what is it?" "I went on a pilgrimage backstage to an ABBA concert, hoping to grab an audience with her royal highness Agnetha." "Well, when I saw her ducking into the ladies, naturally I followed her in." "After she'd finished her business," "I ducked into the cubicle, only to find she'd left me a little gift in the toilet bowl." "What are you telling me?" "This is an ABBA turd?" "I know what we can do with this." "Are you right?" "Hang on." "OK." "Go." "There!" "Afternoon." "What seems to be the problem?" " What a nice dog." "What's its name?" " Herpes." "If she's good, she'll heel." "Things get pretty quiet around here." "We're a bit starved of entertainment." "Glad we could oblige." "How does it look?" "Your gas tank's chock-a-block full of crud." "A rough road on a low tank chucks it up into the motor." "Your fuel line's blocked, injectors are stuffed." " So does that mean you can fix it?" " In the short term." "What you blokes need is a new gas tank." "Don't suppose you have one lying around?" "Sorry." "Could get one in Coober Pedy in a week." "When do you have to be in Alice?" "Six days." "Well, we can clear it out and hope for the best." "It might make it." "Won't know unless you try." "Refreshments!" "Lemonade here I make." "That's very nice, darling." "Please go back inside." "Lemonade, here I've made lemonade for guests." "No, darling, please." "Thank you." " We put cream on?" " No, no, it's face cream." "It's for face." "Bob, Cynthia, thank you." " I love lamb with meringue." " Thank you for the company." "Like I said, new faces are rare out here." "What are you doing off the highway?" "Glad you bothered." "Don't get your type out here very often." " Me like to sing too." "Me like." " Yeah, pretty damn quiet." "Thought of opening a video business, but we gotta wait to get television first." "Me perform for you." "Me dance too." "My wife used to be in the entertainment business." "Yeah." "You perform here?" "You thinking of performing here?" "You've gotta be here at least another night." "The thought hadn't really crossed my mind." "I'll have a word with Wally at the pub." "Everybody'd love it." "I'm not sure our show'd go down too well out here." " What kind of cabaret do you do?" " We dress up in women 's clothes and parade around, mouthing the words to other people's songs." "You mean, sort of like those..." "What do they call them?" "Les Girls?" "I've seen them, in Sydney when I was young." "Fantastic." "Just terrific." "Bob, you are looking at probably the most famous Les Girl ever produced." "You're kidding me." " Give me a break." "I was never that famous." " I'm not joking." "What?" "I wouldn't have seen you." "That must have been 30 years back." " Oh, you'd be surprised." " Me perform for you." "Me sing." "No, Cynthia." "They perform, not you." "Well, a real live Les Girls show." "Right, this calls for a celebration." "Maybe this isn't a good idea." "Oh, shut your twat." "Our frocks were the sensation of Broken Hill, remember?" "There was a Kmart there." "At least they knew what a frock was." "Christ, you should see what this woman 's wearing." "It's a piece of corrugated iron." " Can I come in?" " Only if you're single." "You look... incredible." " Where did we find this guy?" " Keep up the compliments." "Flattery will get you everywhere." "Where's that lovely wife of yours?" "At home." "She's not allowed in the pub any more." "Really?" "Why?" "Problem with alcohol." "Get her in the pub, she makes a fool of herself." "Oh, I know how she feels." "Well, we're all waiting." "You ready?" "Bob..." "We're having second thoughts." "You can't." "Every man and his dog's there." " They're not chained up, are they?" " You blokes." "Sorry." "You girls." "You'll be fine, take my word for it." "~ There's nothing more that I'd like to do ~" "~ Than take the floor and dance with you ~" "~ Keep dancing ~" "~ Let's keep dancing ~" "~ Shake it shake it ~" "~ Shake it shake it ~" "~ Shake your groove thing Shake your groove thing yeah yeah ~" "~ Show 'em how we do it now Show 'em how we do it now ~" "Yeah!" "What the hell's going on?" "She's not?" "Is she?" "Oh, you can't do that with a ping-pong ball." "You wanna bet?" "Let go of me!" " I'm going!" " Darling, don't." "It's nothing we can't work out." " You no good man." " Now, don't be silly." "You want good wife, you be good husband." "Darling, don't go." "I no like you, anyway." "You got little ding-a-ling." "Some days you just shouldn't get out of bed." "In my opinion, you should wait here until I get a new gas tank." "Then again, listen to my last opinion." "Forget it, Bob." "It's time we made a move." "I'm just a gifted amateur round here." "A frock and a catchy tune can't compete with ping-pong balls, cigarettes and a pint of beer." "If we break down, we break down." "I'll stick to the main drag." "Pardon the pun." "Well, goodbye, Bob." "Thanks for a very educational stay." "Yes, I'd love to open a bottle like that." "Bernadette, it's certainly been an honour meeting a member of Les Girls." "And it's been an honour to meet a gentleman." "Believe me, Bob, these days gentlemen are an endangered species." "Unlike bloody drag queens who just keep breeding like rabbits." "Oh, fuck it." "Bob, fancy a free ride to Cooper Pedy?" "Now, listen, Bob, let's get one thing straight." "We wear the frocks round here, but that doesn't mean you wear the pants." " Right, where do I sleep?" " Oh, anywhere that takes your fancy." "The roof'll do me fine." "Thank you, Bob." "I don't know what to say." "That's all right." "Might as well get there a few days earlier." "Bit of R and R." "God knows I need it." "~ A diletti sempre nuovi dee volare il mio pensier ~" "~ Dee volar dee volar ~" "~ Dee volare il mio pensier ~" "~ Dee volar dee volar ~" "~ Ah ah ah ah ah il mio pensier ~" "Can I ask you a personal question?" "If you don't mind." "Sure." "Why?" "Why do you... you know?" "You mean the 64,000 dollar question?" "That's a girl." "Now, don't tear the wrapping paper." "Just slide the ribbon off and we'll see what Santa's bought you." "Here it comes now." "What is it?" "Oh, it's a..." "It's a..." "Cement mixer." "Have you been changing the cards around again, Ralph?" "So I guess I had no choice in the matter." "For fuck's sake." "Watch where you're driving, stupid bitch." " Are you trying to fucking kill me?" " My fault." "Oh, sorry, Bob." "I thought it was Bernadette." "Now you're getting it." "Who taught you to waltz?" " My wife." " Oh, how sweet." "You and the missus at Arthur Murray's every Tuesday, practising your little hearts out." " Makes me wanna sick up." " Married?" "Yes, married." "We've only recently discovered young Anthony here bats for both teams." "I do not." " Oh, so we're straight?" " No." " Oh, so we're a doughnut puncher after all." " No." " Then what the hell are we?" " I don't fucking know." "What the fuck's that?" "Good evening." "Nice night for it." "Oh, OK." "Good night, then." "What a rude woman." "And that's the power-steering pump." "And that's the radiator fan." " How interesting." " Simple." "Hey!" "Who wants first bath?" "Won." "Can I help you, ma'am?" "OK, turn her over." "~ I don't care if the sun don't shine I get my lovin' in the evening time ~" "~ When I'm with my baby ~" "~ It's no fun with the sun around ~" "~ But I get going when the sun goes down And I meet my baby ~" "~ That's when we kiss and kiss and kiss And then we kiss some more ~" "~ Don't ask how many times we kiss At a time like this who keeps score?" "~" "~ So I don't care if the sun don't shine I'll get my lovin' in the evening time ~" "~ When I'm with my baby ~" "That's it over there." "It's an OK room with a shower." " Bags first." " Is hot water all you can think about?" "A shower, bed and a nice meal will do fine." "If you think I'm staying in, you can think again." "Look, you blokes watch your back." "This is a tough little town." "They get up, go down a hole, blow things up and come up again." " Fabulous." " You're welcome to hang out with us if you like." "I'm meeting the boys at the old drive-in for a booze-up, like the old days." " I wanna go with Bob." " You'll have supper with us, Adam Whitely, or you'll stay in and watch TV." "He's a good man, our Bob." "Yeah." "Not my type, though." "Oh, don't come the raw prawn with me." "I can spot a fluttering lash from 300 paces." "Oh, get out." "He's far too old." "Mind you, so am I." "Did you catch that mail-order bride?" "Why'd he marry?" "I'm dying to ask." "Whoops." "Sorry." "Don't worry about it." "You're the world's best husband." "And given the chance, a perfectly good father too." " Do you really think so?" " Why?" "Thinking about children?" "Yes, as a matter of fact." "Um, do you have the Texas Chainsaw Mascara?" " Ever wanted kids?" " Sure." "But I've learned not to think about it." "D'you think an old queen 's capable of raising a child?" "Well, Elizabeth did a pretty good job." "Prince Charles is a wonderful boy." "Edward's still a bit of a worry." "What happens if they turn out like Adam?" "You stuff them back in and ask for a refund." "Stupid little shit." "I dread to think what he's up to." "Hello." "I'm new in town." "No kidding." "Could I have a Bloody Mary, please?" "It's a beer or nothing... sweetheart." "Well, I'd better have a beer, then." "Cheers." "What are you all looking at?" "I'm sorry." "Didn't mean to stare." "We don't usually get women down here." "So what do women do around here besides watching videos?" "Well, well, well, look who we have here!" "You know that bloke, do you?" "No." "So, who's gonna show me the sights?" "Be my pleasure." "So how about it?" "I suppose a fuck's out of the question." "Come on, boys." "Who wants to see my map of Tasmania?" "So I never got a chance to tell my parents what a wonderful childhood I'd had." "They never spoke to me again after I'd had... the chop." "I think..." "I have something to tell you." "Oh, shit." "OK, let's not forget how to treat a lady." "You fucking freak!" " Hold him down." "Spread his legs." " No." "Please." "Frank, stop!" "Stop!" "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" " You mean you do know this cocksucker?" " Get off him, you mongrel." "He was joking, OK?" "You leave the little bugger alone." " Get outta there, Bob." " Cut it out, Frank." "Put the faggot down and fuck off or you're next." " Frank." " Get out of there!" "Stop flexing your muscles, you big pile of budgie turd." "Your mates will be more impressed if you go back to the pub and fuck some pigs on the bar." "Bernadette, please." "Bernadette!" "Well, I'll be darned." "The whole circus is in town." "I suppose you want a fuck too, do you?" "Come on, Bernadette." "Come and fuck me." "That's it." "Come on." "Come and fuck me." "Come on." "Fuck me." "There." "Now you're fucked." "You stupid bloody idiot!" "Drugs, for Christ's sake." "Well, three cheers for you." "I hope you're bloody well happy now!" "It's funny." "We all sit around, mindlessly slagging off that vile stink hole of a city but in its own strange way, it takes care of us." "I don't know if that ugly wall of suburbia's there to stop them getting in or us getting out." "Come on." "Don't let it drag you down." "Let it toughen you up." "I can only fight because I've learned to." "Being a man one day and a woman the next is not an easy thing to do." " Sorry, can't help you." " No worries." "Are we bunny-hopping all the way to Alice?" " No good." "The man to help is a fair way away." " Like how fair?" "Couple of hundred clicks fair." "No matter." "I've got nothing else to do today." "Let's get outta here." "Come on, Adam." "We're not here." "~ A fine romance with no kisses ~" "~ A fine romance my friend this is ~" "~ We should be Like a couple of hot tomatoes ~" "Some things are said in the heat of the moment." "I'm sorry I got angry with you last night." "Although I dare say you deserved it." "Anyway, that's enough of that." "This is quite an experience, sitting here with you now." "I can quite safely say that I think your taste in clothing is absolutely terrible" "Oh, this is great fun!" "We're going to have a problem finding this guy." " Why do you say that?" " He's not out here." "Oh, he's out here." "He's in Alice." "Well, I can't go back to Coober Pedy for a while." "Not the most popular bloke back there now." "Hello." "Hello." " Who are you?" " I your wife." " Guess I'll be going home." " No, you no going." "I coming too." "I your wife." "See?" "I your wife." "Silly girl." "Should have done her homework better." "She thought I was from Sydney." "Why in God's name did you bring her home?" " She was my wife." " Couldn't you sell her off?" "Oh, the party's over, everyone." "It talks." "Can't keep a good bitch down." "What time do you reckon we'll be in Alice Springs?" " Late tomorrow arvo." " And how long will you be staying?" "Don't know Couple of days, maybe." "Big day for you tomorrow." "We get to meet the missus." "I saw that smile, Felicia." "One word, one derogatory word, and I'm gonna take you back to your mate in Coober Pedy." "Look, everyone, tomorrow's going to be tough." "Please don't make it harder." "We're only teasing." "We won't open our mouths until you give the word." "Then it's open season." "Ah, well, time for bed." "Got to look good for the wife in the morning." "Come along, Adam, time for beauty sleep." "Will you two be joining us?" "I just thought I'd have one for the road." " How about you, Bob?" " Sounds good to me." "All right, then." "See you in the morning." "Good night." " Another piece of cake, Bob?" " Nah." "So, tell me about you." "Can't complain." "Life's a lot simpler now." "Spent 30 years wandering around the world only to find that I was better off where I started." "Not much, but it's my turf." "Oh, shit" "Adam." "Adam." " What?" " Guess who didn't come home last night." "I've waited all my life for this." "Bernice has left her cake out in the rain." "~ Hava nagila ~" "~ Hava hangover ~" "~ Hava nagila... ~" "My fucking back's killing me." "I need a crap." " Do you want me to go in?" " No, I'll go." "Excuse me, sir, you can't park here." "Are you staying at the hotel?" "Sorry, could you direct me to Marion Barber?" "We're the cabaret act from Sydney." "Oh, right." "Reception will take you through." " Thanks." " No worries." "It's all right, Lenny, it's the drag queens." "Come on, Bob, let's go try on your new frock." "G'day." " Just over there by the back bar." " Thanks." "No, those three cakes didn't arrive." "I need them today." "Not tomorrow, but today." "You're a doll." "What an arsehole." " My God." "Husband, it's so good to see you." " Hiya, wife." "You're a day late!" "Where are the others?" " They're outside." " You've lost weight, you rotten old queer." "About fucking time." "I can get into that one-piece of yours with the sunflowers." " What the hell do you do with it?" " Poseidon Adventure routine." "Shelley Winters." "Where is he?" "I'll spank, spank you back." "Benj." "Do you remember Tick?" "Hello, Tick." "Hello." "Where's the bloody spa?" " Mr Belrose?" " Yes?" "Congratulations." "It's a boy." " You OK?" " What's the matter?" "Christ, Mitz, why didn't you tell us?" "Why'd you have to shock me like that?" "This lump on my head is getting bigger by the second." "I'm about to make my Northern Territories debut looking like a cartoon character hit me over the head with an iron." " You look more like a Disney witch." " Shut your face." "I don't look like someone tried to open a can with my face." "Sorry." "I couldn't stand being bagged for two weeks." "Anyway, what difference does it make?" "Two inches to my head, for one." " Did you see?" "He's got my profile." " I'm going to be sick." "I hate to be practical here, but does he know who you are?" "I mean, does he know what you do for a living?" "He knows he has a father in the show business/cosmetics industry." " Oh, Lord, I don't understand." " No, you don't, so stop trying." "It'll be fine." " It better be." " Hello." "Oh, stop wearing out that mirror." " Always knock before you enter." " Always?" "Why?" "Got anything to hide in there?" " All right, girls, you're on in ten minutes." " You've been on since you were born." " We've got a big crowd." " Like how big?" "A full house." " Where's Benj?" " Safe and sound asleep in bed." "Don't worry." "OK, my little powder puff." " Can I come in?" " Now, there's a gentleman." "Of course, Bob." "My Aunt Minnie in here?" " Don't mean to barge in." "Just wishing you luck." " Thank you, Bob." " To make up for what happened last time." " Thank you." "That's so thoughtful." "All right, girls, let's get this show on the road." "You, out." "That's a ten-minute curtain call." "Quite a wife you've got." "What does she do for fun?" "Sand oil-tanker hulls with her tongue?" "She sure is something." " Chookers, girls." " Watch my jaw." " Be careful with my head." " Aren't we fabulous?" "Ladies and gentlemen, Lasseters Casino of Alice Springs presents" "Miss Mitzi Del Bra, Miss Felicia Jollygoodfellow and Miss Bernadette Bassenger, the Sisters of the Simpson Desert." "~ Meeting Mr Right the man of my dreams ~" "~ The one who showed me true love Or at least it seemed ~" "~ With brown cocoa skin and curly black hair ~" "~ It's just the way he looks at me That gentle loving stare ~" "~ Finally you 've come along ~" "~ The way I feel about you It just can't be wrong ~" "~ If you only knew the way I feel about you ~" "~ I just can't describe it ~" "~ Oh no no ~" "~ Finally it has happened to me Right in front of my face ~" "~ My feelings can't describe it ~" "~ Finally it has happened to me Right in front of my face ~" "~ And I just cannot hide it ~" "~ Finally it has happened to me Right in front of my face ~" "~ My feelings can't describe it ~" "~ Finally it has happened to me Right in front of my face ~" "~ And I just cannot hide it ~" "~ It seems so many times You seemed to be the one ~" "~ But all he ever wanted was to have a little fun ~" "~ But now you 've come along And brightened up my world ~" "~ In my heart I feel it I'm that special kind of girl ~" "~ Finally you 've come along ~" "~ The way I feel about you It just can't be wrong ~" "~ If you only knew the way I feel about you ~" "~ I just can't describe it ~" "~ Oh no no ~" "~ Finally it has happened to me Right in front of my face ~" "~ My feelings can't describe it ~" "~ Finally it has happened to me Right in front of my face ~" "~ And I just cannot hide it ~" "~ Finally it has happened to me Right in front of my face ~" "~ My feelings can't describe it ~" "~ Finally it has happened to me Right in front of my face ~" "~ And I just cannot hide it ~" "~ Finally ~" "~ Oh finally ~" "~ Yeah ~" "~ Yeah ~" "~ Finally it has happened to me Right in front of my face ~" "~ My feelings can't describe it ~" "~ Finally it has happened to me Right in front of my face ~" "~ And I just cannot hide it ~" "~ Finally oh yeah ~" "~ Yeah ~" "~ Finally oh yeah ~" "More!" "Come on, everybody!" "Yes, more!" "More!" "Come on!" " You're wonderful!" " We want more!" "Yes!" "Magnificent!" "Bravo!" "Come on, snap out of it." "You'll be fine." "Come on, love." "That's it, mate." " You scared us all for a minute." " You had to have that extra bit of attention." "Nice one, lovie, nice one." "Shit." "What are you doing, Marion, you liar?" "You said he'd be in bed." " Oh, shush, drink your daiquiri." " I hate bloody daiquiri." "No, you don't, you love bloody daiquiris." "Now I know why drag queens drink from such big glasses." "To make their hands look smaller." "What am I meant to say to the boy?" "I've never been so embarrassed." " You're overreacting." " Really?" "You're being a drama queen." "You'll have to drop that shit if you're gonna be a good father." "Don't look surprised." "I've kept my end of the bargain, it's your turn." " Not for ever, maybe a couple of months." " Why now?" "Because I haven't had a holiday in eight years." "I need a rest, Tick." "I need some space." " Reminds me of something I said recently." " Well, I do." "Besides, it's time he knew his father." "That's the problem." "I don't know what to tell him." "What do you assume I do?" "Lie?" "Assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups." "Bitch to him, not me." " Thanks for the free advice." " You might be in for a pleasant surprise." "Who is it?" "It's me, Bob." "The flowers were being mangled." "Thought I'd rescue them for you." "Good idea." "Thanks." "What's the matter?" "Nothing." " You know what your father does for a living?" " Yeah." "So I suppose you know he doesn't like girls?" "Does he have a boyfriend at the moment?" "No." "Neither does Mum." "She had a girlfriend but she got over her." "Do you wanna come and play in my room?" "I've got Lego." "Sure." "Come on, Butch, get a move on." "We can't brand the cattle by ourselves." " Great show." "You always end like that?" " Always." " Like to pick her up every night?" " Be a pleasure." "That might include tucking the lady into bed, Jeff." "What's the pay like, Marion?" "He'll get himself into trouble one day, and you might just be the lucky fellow." "Come on, all aboard." "Watch it with the innuendos." "Give me a clear shot." "You call dressing up like a Xanadu production number a clear shot?" "Come on, Tick, who's kidding who round here?" "He sure as shit isn't." " What am I doing?" " Swimming!" "A rock." "Little Rock." "Oh, Rock!" "Rock Hudson!" "My turn!" "OK, smarty-pants, you give it a go." "Come on, then." "It's a... sexy woman." " Cat." " Famous woman." " Baby." " Rocking." " I know this one." " Race horse." "Cat." "Scary cat?" "Scary moose?" " Scary dog." " I know, I know." "Oh, Lindy Chamberlain." "That was appalling, Benji." "Who taught you that?" " Mum did." " Lies, all lies." "Come on, Adam." "Up." "Time is against us." "And we have things to do." " Come on, you butch thing, you." " No, count me out." " All for one." " Come on." "No." "Come on, Adam, let's get frocked." "So what's it like to finally have a father?" "T's OK" "I'm sorry about last night." "I don't always dress up in women 's clothes." "You know, don't get the wrong idea." "I mean, I do a lot of different stuff, you know, like..." "Elvis, and..." "Gary Glitter and..." "ABBA?" "I'm not supposed to know about the ABBA show, but I'd like to see it." "Would you do ABBA for me?" "Sure." "You know what I am, don't you?" "Mum says you're the best in the business." "Well, your mother was always prone to exaggeration." "Will you have a boyfriend when we get back to Sydney?" "Mayoo" "That's good." " Come on." " Where are we going?" "We're going to unleash the best in the business." "I had a dream." "Well, we did it." "It never ends, does it?" "All that space." "So what now?" "I think I wanna go home." "Me too" "Well, then." "Let's finish the shows and go home." "Don't go without leaving your number, sunshine." "Already taken care of." "It's at the far end of the men 's cubicle. "For a good time, phone Felicia."" " Can we stop at McDonalds?" " Good idea." "I've had enough of this shitty food." "Where the hell d'you start?" "Lay it on the line, conceal nothing." "That's the key." "If he doesn't like it he can buy a ticket back." " And when people realise Mitzi's got a minor?" " Your problem, not his." "He knows when to listen." "Morals are a choice and he'll decide when he's ready." "Well, that's it." "You're all packed." "You've gotta be joking." "We haven't got Bernadette's shoes upon board yet." "Hate to say, wish I was coming." "Your gas tank'll be fine." "Your axle may be another matter." "The road home will be filled with bored mechanics waiting for you to spirit them away." "We're not even gonna spirit gum at this rate." "Where's Bernadette?" "Here." "Come on, cabanossi tits." "Where are your bags?" "In my room." "I'm not going." "I've decided to stay here for a while." "Really?" "And you're choosing to tell us now." "She told me a few weeks back." "I need someone to handle guest entertainment while I'm away." "I get it." "Who's been playing hide the sausage?" "Let's get outta here before I throw up." "Come on, Benj." "Hope you can drive." "Hey, not without a hug." "You sure?" "No, I'm not sure." "But I'll never know unless I give it a shot." "I'm as jealous as all hell." "Shit." "Racoon time again." " Bye." "Don't forget to write." " See you." "Wish I was staying." "Bye, Ralph!" "Yeah, see ya, Ralph." "~ I've been cheated by you Since I don't know when ~" "~ So I made up my mind it must come to an end ~" "~ Look at me now will I ever learn?" "~" "~ I don't know how but I suddenly lose control ~" "~ There's a fire within my soul ~" "~ Just one look and I can hear a bell ring ~" "~ One more look and I forget everything oh -oh ~" "~ Mamma mia here I go again ~" "~ My my how can I resist you?" "~" "~ Mamma mia does it show again?" "~" "~ My my just how much I've missed you ~" "~ Yes I've been brokenhearted ~" "~ Blue since the day we parted ~" "~ Why why did I ever let you go?" "~" "~ Mamma mia now I really know ~" "~ My my I could never let you go ~" "~ I've been angry and sad About things that you do ~" "~ I can't count all the times That I've told you we're through ~" "~ And when you go when you slam the door ~" "~ I think you know That you won't be away too long ~" "~ You know that I'm not that strong ~" "~ Just one look and I can hear a bell ring ~" "~ One more look and I forget everything oh -oh ~" "~ Mamma mia here I go again ~" "~ My my how can I resist you?" "~" "~ Mamma mia does it show again?" "~" "~ My my just how much I've missed you ~" "~ Yes I've been brokenhearted ~" "~ Blue since the day we parted ~" "~ Why why did I ever let you go?" "~" "~ Mamma mia now I really know ~" "~ My my I could never let you go ~" "All right, that's enough." "Oh, my tits are falling down." "Jesus!" "Thank you." "It's good to be home." "~ Sometimes the snow comes down in June ~" "~ Sometimes the sun goes round the moon ~" "~ I see the passion in your eyes ~" "~ Sometimes it's all a big surprise ~" "~ 'Cause there was a time When all I did was wish ~" "~ You 'd tell me this was love ~" "~ It's not the way I hoped or how I planned ~" "~ But somehow it's enough ~" "~ And now we're standing face to face ~" "~ Isn't this world a crazy place?" "~" "~ Just when I thought our chance had passed ~" "~ You go and save the best for last ~" "~ All of the nights you came to me ~" "~ When some silly girl had set you free ~" "~ You wondered how you 'd make it through ~" "~ I wondered what was wrong with you ~" "~ 'Cause how could you give your love To someone else ~" "~ And share your dreams with me?" "~" "~ Sometimes the very thing you're looking for ~" "~ Is the one thing you can't see ~" "~ But now we're standing face to face ~" "~ Isn't this world a crazy place?" "~" "~ Just when I thought our chance had passed ~" "~ You go and save the best for last ~" "~ And sometimes the snow comes down in June ~" "~ Sometimes the sun goes round the moon ~" "~ Just when I thought our chance had passed ~" "~ You go and save the best for last ~" "~ You went and saved the best for last ~"