"And now from New York..." "The Jerry Langford Show with Jerry's guests-- Tony Randall..." "Richard Dreyfuss, Rodney Dangerfield..." "Dr. Joyce Brothers, Lou Brown and the orchestra... and little ol' me-- Ed Herlihy." "And now say hello to Jerry!" " Whoo.!" " Whoo.!" "Whoo.!" "Thank you." "Good evening to you." "You look like a great audience." "Louie, how are you?" "Lou Brown, ladies and gentlemen... and the marvelous Langford orchestra." "Group." "Group." "Um...and, Ed, how are you tonight?" " Very well." " Wonderful." "Sorry I woke you." "I shall adhere to your request, sir." "O.K. You want Jerry's autograph, give me the books!" "Have him write something personal!" "Give me the books!" "O.K., O.K.!" "Have him write something personal." "Half an hour!" "Half an hour!" "Goodbye!" " Come on!" " Ohhh!" "It'll be just on a card." "That's all I'm giving you." "I just don't feel like wasting my time going in by myself to get it." " Hiya, Rupert." " Hello, Rupert." " Hey, Rupert, who'd you get?" " Nobody." "I got Rodney Dangerfield, Richard Harris." "I'll trade them for Barbra." "Alan Alda, Robin Williams." "I'll give you anyone you want." "Sydney, I'm really not that interested." "It's not my whole life." "What's that mean?" "That's my whole life, me and Sydney's?" "That's not my whole life." "That's not my whole life." "It's yours, but not mine." "Jerry!" "Jerry!" "Jerry!" "[Shouting Indistinctly] I love you!" "Don't-- Don't go, Jerry!" "No!" "No!" "Jerry!" "Jerry!" "Would you stop shoving?" "Jerry!" " Would you stop pushing?" "I'm not going to take-- Jerry!" "No!" "No!" "I'm gonna love you" "Like no one's loved you" "Come rain or come shine" "High as a mountain" "Deep as a river" "Come rain or come shine" "I guess when you met me" "Ohh ohh" "It was just one of those things" "Ohh ohh ohh" "Ohh" "But don't ever bet me" "Ohh" "'Cause I'm gonna be true" "Well, if you let me" "You gonna love me" "Ohh ohh" "Like nobody's loved me" "Ohh ohh" "Come rain or come shine" "Ohh" "Ohh" "Ohh" "Happy together" "Ohh ohh" "Unhappy together" "Wouldn't it be fine?" "Days may be cloudy or sunny" "We're in or we're out of the money" "Yeah" "I'm with you always" "I'm with you" "Rain" "Or shine" "Yeah" "Rain" "Or" "Shine" "Jerry!" "Jerry!" "Please." "Aah!" "Wait!" "O.K.!" "Stand back!" "Stand back!" "Please... let Mr. Langford get some air!" "Just stand back!" "Come on, Jerry!" "Did you get my message?" "Did you get my message?" "All right, now" "Jerry!" "Jerry!" "Aah!" "Hey, Jerry." "Jerry!" " [Woman] Aah!" "Aah!" "Come on, people!" "Jerry, I'm sorry." "I don't mean to disturb you." " I just want a minute to ask your advice." " Not now." "If we could just drive away" "You could drop me off anywhere." "We could talk while we're driving." "I don't do this." "I don't mean to be rude... but I did put myself on the line for you." "Drive, Harvey." "Jerry!" "Jerry!" "Jerry!" "Jerry!" "Jerry!" "I love you, Jerry!" "I love you!" "Here." "Thanks." " Is that your initials?" " Yeah." "I just want to tell you." "My name's Rupert Pupkin." "I know the name means nothing to you... but it means an awful lot to me, and..." " believe" " Calm down." "Take your time." "I'm a little nervous." "You might've wondered who I am." "I've been outside your show many, many times." "I'm in communications right now... but the point I'm trying to make is... by nature, I'm a comedian, you know?" "I know what you're going to say." """Oh, not another one."" "But believe me, I'm very good." "I'm dynamite." "I wouldn't take one minute of your time... if I wasn't absolutely convinced that I'm dynamite." "You're wondering, ""If he's so good... why hasn't he caught my act somewhere?" Right?" "Good question." "I'll tell you why." "You know why?" "Up to now, I've been biding my time slowly and carefully... so that when my big break finally came... like the night Jack Parr got sick?" "Your big break?" "That night convinced me that I wanted to be a comedian." "I walked out of that show like I was in a dream." "After that, I started catching... all your guest appearances on Sullivan." "I studied everything you ever did-- the way you built to your one-liners, nice and relaxed... how you deliver jokes without leaning too much on them... how you didn't say, ""Hey, folks, here's the punch line."" "You know, Jerry?" "You know what I'm talking about?" "You don't say, ""Folks, here's the punch line."" "You just do the punch line." "Exactly." "That's what I loved about what you did." "What I'm trying to say is, now I'm ready." "I'm ready, and-- I finished the course." "And I'm thinking as I'm sitting here now..." """Maybe this is my big break, my big chance."" "Know what I mean?" "What do you think?" " Look, what's your name?" " My name's Rupert Pupkin." "All right." "Look, pal, got to tell you, this is a crazy business... but it's not unlike any other business." "There are ground rules." "Yeah." "And you don't just walk onto a network show without experience." "Now, I know it's an old hackneyed expression... but it's the truth-- you've got to start at the bottom." " I'm at the bottom." " That's a perfect place to start." "I know, but I'm not-- there's got to be" "It looks so simple to the viewer at home-- those things that come so easily that are so relaxed... and look like it's a matter of just taking another breath." "It takes years and years and years... of honing that and working it." "I don't mean to interrupt you... but there's a little problem." "I'm 34 years old." "That's why I'm asking you to just listen" "To listen to my act and tell me what you think about it." "Why don't you call my office" "All right, O.K. I could?" "You ask for Cathy Long." "She's my secretary." "And we'll make time to listen to what you're talking about." "You don't know how many times..." "I've had this conversation in my head." "This is beautiful." " Did it always end this way?" " Yeah, it did." "I really believe this." "Once you get over the initial shyness, you'll be O.K." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "Hope it works out for you, Rupert." "Thanks, Jerry." "Thanks a lot." "It's a pleasure meeting you, Jerry." "Jerry." "I'm a little short on cash... but if you don't mind just appetizers..." "I'd love to take you to dinner sometime." "I don't know my schedule." "Maybe we can." "O.K. Thanks, Jerry." "Thanks." "Jerry." "Let me show you a picture of my pride and joy." "That's good." " Good, huh?" " Yeah, it is." "Hey, Jerry, take it." "Take it." "Go ahead, take it." "Consider it a gift." "It'll work for you." "I will." "Not that you need the help, Jerry!" "Seriously." "You ever want lunch--my treat." "Call my office." "O.K., O.K., O.K." "O.K. Jerry, you're a prince.!" "Hey, Rupe, before I forget..." "I really appreciate you meeting me for lunch." "I know how busy you are and how tired you are." "What are friends for, Jerry?" "Talking about schedule, you're the one who looks tired." "Yeah, I know." "It's the show." "The pressure, the ratings." "The same guests, the same questions." "I'm just not enjoying it anymore." "That's...the worst." "Listen, I..." "I really wish you would think about it again." "Wait a minute." "You--you're starting again." "You're starting up again." "It's not that big a deal to think." "I'm asking you to think." "I'm thinking." "All I do is think day and night." "How can I not think about it?" "We're here at lunch together... which I knew is why you invited me... and I'm here eating to get guilty with you, right?" "I'm asking you to take over the show for six weeks." "What's six weeks?" "I'll give you anything, but don't ask me to do six weeks." "I can't take over the show for six weeks." "I can't even take over my own life for six weeks." "You're asking for something that's impossible!" "It's impossible!" " [Woman] Rupert.!" " Don't you understand" "What?" "What are you doing down there so late?" "It's impossible!" "I'm trying to tell you that." "What, you want me to cry?" "There must be a way to work it out." "It's just six weeks." "Excuse me." "Um, Mr. Pupkin?" "You think you could" "Yeah." "Sure." "What's your name, dear?" " Dolores." " Dolores?" "That was my father's name." """To Dolores... who sensed greatness."" "There you go, sweetheart." " Thanks, Mr. Pupkin." " Don't mention it." "Rupert.!" "Rupert, who you talking to?" " Mom!" " What is it?" "Please stop calling me!" "It's terrific." "It's great." "There's only one problem, though." "He made--he made you bigger." "Would you answer me?" "All right!" "You've got the six weeks!" "Don't bother me!" "I'll give you the six weeks!" "What can I say?" "You happy now?" "You're a tough man, Rupe." "You got to be in this business." "Ha ha ha ha!" "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "Hello." "Hello." "It's Masha, Jerry." " Who?" " Did you get my note?" "Who's this?" "Masha." "Didn't you get the note?" "I left it on the back seat... before they dragged me out of the car." "You know, those guys really hurt me, Jerry." "How did you get this number?" "Don't be angry with me, Jerry." "How did you get this number?" "I don't know what else to do." "I've been calling your" "How've you been, Rita?" " Do I know you?" " I think you might." "Rupert." " Rupert Pupkin, right?" " Right." "I brought you a little present." "Oh, yeah." "I remember." " Mr. Romance." " Heh." "Put an aspirin in that." "It'll last longer." "So what are you up to these days?" "You're looking as beautiful as ever, Rita." "Well, here I am." "Local cheerleader makes good." "You know... it's funny, but I..." "I, uh..." " I voted for you ""most beautiful."" " Did you?" "That's sweet." "I didn't have the nerve to tell you then, but" "Yeah, now you can tell me." "It's O.K. We're both adults." "Isn't that funny?" "You know, when you're younger... you're afraid to say those things, but when you get older... you can say those things that you should've said 1 5, 20 years ago." "Isn't that the final irony of life?" "Isn't it?" "I guess." "Are you happy in this place, Rita?" " Why?" "You got something better?" " Maybe." "Oh, really?" "Like what?" "Well...what are you doing tonight?" "What am I doing tonight?" " Ha ha!" " Yeah." "What's so funny?" "Isn't it just a little late asking me for a date after 1 5 years?" "Ha ha ha ha!" "Really?" "Ha ha!" "Well..." "Waiter?" "Can I have a fresh one?" " Rita." " Hmm?" "Who is your favorite movie star?" "What is this, some kind of a game?" "You going to tell me something about my character..." " my future?" " You'll see." "Tell me." "Everybody has a favorite movie star." "I better think of somebody, or we'll never get out of here, right?" "That's a little test." "Oh, let's see." "Marilyn Monroe." "Perfect." """Talent Register," huh?" "That's her name." "She signed this in New York... during her publicity tour for The Misfits." " That was her last movie, you know." " Yeah." "She wasn't a great actress... but she did have a real gift for comedy." "You know, she died tragically alone... like many of the world's most beautiful women." "I don't want to see that happening to you." " Who's this?" " Burt Reynolds." " This?" " Mel Brooks." "He's what you call ""on funny."" "Others are just regular." "Oh, that's Sid Caesar." "He's remarkable." "I really like him." "He's great." "Woody Allen." "Nice guy." "Personal friend of mine." "Of course he is." "Ha ha!" "No, he is." "Oh, that's Ernie Kovacs." "He was wonderful." "He was a...great comedian, great innovator." "That was a great, great loss." "I bet some of these are worth money." "Oh, yeah." "Especially this one." "Just hold it." " Who's this?" " Well, just take a guess." " Huh." "Looks like ""retard."" " Ha ha!" "The more scribbled the name, the bigger the fame." "That might be true, Rupert, but who is it?" """R" is the first letter." "Come on, Rupert, who is it?" "I'm tired." "I'll give you a little hint." " Oooo" " Robert Redford." "Ha ha." "No." "Ha ha ha ha." "No, no." "That's ""Rupert Pupkin."" "Rupert Pupkin." "I surprised you, didn't I?" "Take this as a gift." "Take good care of that." "Soon everyone's going to want one." "Rupert, you have not changed." "Just a couple of hours ago, you know who I was talking to?" " Guess!" " Your shrink?" "Ha ha!" "That's very funny." "No." "Jerry Langford." "That's right." "The Jerry Langford." "He gave me the go-ahead, Rita." "Would you believe it?" "And you know what?" "Don't tell anyone yet... but you're looking at the new king of comedy." " Ha ha ha ha." " Why not me?" "Why not?" "A guy can get anything he wants... as long as he pays the price." "What's so funny about that?" "I mean, crazier things have happened." "You don't understand what a shot on Langford means." "That's coast-to-coast national TV, a bigger audience... than the greatest comedians used to play to in a whole lifetime." "A shot at a free ticket on the comedy circuit." "My own comedy show" "The Rupert Pupkin Show." "Everything!" "And all that leads in one direction, Rita--Hollywood." "A beach house in Malibu on the ocean." "And we'll keep a suite at the Sherry." "Everybody stays there when they make it big." "Up top so we can shout down, ""Hey, tough luck, suckers." "Better luck next time." Come on." "What do you say?" "It sounds wonderful, Rupert." "I wish you the best of luck." "But it's getting late, and I'm a working girl." " I got to go home." " I--I don't get you!" "Here I am, offering you a way out." "Rita." "Every king needs a queen." "I want you to be mine." "This is a nice street." "Nice building." " Thanks for your jacket, Rupert." " Oh." "I guess you're entitled to come up and have some coffee." "I wouldn't want to impose, really." " I know I can" " What do you want?" "What?" " What do you want?" " What do I want?" "Rita, you still don't understand?" "I love you." "I want to help change your life... if you'll just give me a chance." "What if I set something up between me, you, and Jerry?" "What if we went out to dinner one night?" "You know what's even better?" "A summer house for a weekend." "He wouldn't want to meet me." "That's not true." "Jerry is a very nice guy." "He's a very, very nice guy... and we had a terrific meeting." "And you shouldn't sell yourself short." "You have too little faith, and you're a wonderful person." "Why don't you go to sleep and get a good night's rest?" "O.K.?" "O.K." " Good night." " Good night." "Go to sleep right away." "I'll tell you, boy." "Hiya, Liza." "Good seeing you." "Jerola." "Good seeing you." "Jerry." "Don't get up." "Ahh, boy, I'll tell ya... every time you come back from a tour... something must be in the air." "The tour really becomes you." "It's like you become rejuvenated." "I don't know what it is." "Isn't that so, everybody?" "Isn't that so?" "Hey, hey, there." "Well, that is amazing." "It's amazing." "You look wonderful." "And I know." "You look wonderful, too, Jerry." "I wasn't leaving you out." "Bro?" "Yeah!" "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "Oh, ha ha ha ha ha!" "Oh, Jerry!" "I love this guy!" "Always coming up with these great lines." "I love 'em." "I love 'em." "You're wonderful." "I don't know what I'd do without you." "Rupert.!" "The bus is here.!" "It's early.!" "Try to be on time for once.!" "I can't believe this." "I got to go." "I got to catch a bus." "Jerry." "Take care of yourself." "Baby, be good." "Good luck in Rio." "Good morning, Rupert." " Good morning." " How are you?" " This is for you." " Work." " What time is it?" " It's 1 0:00." "1 0:00?" "Could I use the phone for one second?" "Is it local?" "Sure." "Just dial 9 first." "Make it short." "Hello." "Jerry Langford, please." "Rupert Pupkin." "Thank you." "Yes." "Uh, is Jerry there, please?" "Rupert Pupkin." "Yes." "Just tell him it's Rupert calling." "He'll know what it's about." "Oh." "Oh, he is?" "Well, that's O.K. I'm in a meeting myself." "Um, just tell him I called, O.K.?" "Thank you very much." "And I'll call later." "Thanks." "Bye." "Is that the Jerry Langford?" "I'll see you, Roberta." "Yeah." "Bye." "Hello." "Jerry Langford, please." "Rupert Pupkin." "Yes." "Rupert Pupkin calling Jerry Langford, please." "Which?" "The first name or the second name?" "P-u-p-k-i-n." "It's often mispronounced and misspelled... so that's why--yes." "Yes, Jerry knows I'm calling." "He knows what it's about." "Oh, sure." "Sure." "I see." "I see." "I see." "Yes, you can call me." "I'll be here for the next hour and a half." "I'm at my office, and the number is J L5-43 21 ." "Yo." "Come on, man." "If you don't mind..." "I am waiting for a phone call." "It will only take a few minutes." "All of these phones don't work." "I am not making a phone call." "I am expecting a phone call." "I'll show you how to make a phone call." "Wait." "Let me just slide in here and make a call." "Let me just make a call!" "Uh, it's important." "This phone don't work either." "Don't do that!" "Don't do that!" "Hold on a second." "Yes, sir?" "Yes." "Jerry Langford, please." "Your name, please?" "Pupkin." "Rupert Pupkin." "Rupert?" "Pupkin." "P-u-p-k-i-n." "People often misspell it and mispronounce it." "There's a man here by the name of Rupert Pumpkin." "He wants to see Mr. Langford." "I'm sorry, Mr. Pumpkin... but Mr. Langford's secretary has no record of your appointment." "Pardon me?" "We have no record of your appointment." "I don't have an official appointment with Jerry... but he did ask me to call him personally." "I was in the neighborhood." "I thought I'd just stop up." "I had trouble calling for some reason." "The lines seemed to be busy." "He has no appointment." "Mr. Langford's secretary wants to know... what this is in reference to." "Mr. Gangetti, go right in." "Hello?" "Yes." "Jerry and I... discussed my being on the show last night." "He told me to call." "Yes." "Oh, sure." "Sure." "I'm supposed to wait." "Is that cork?" "I don't know what it is." "Is it dripping on you?" "No." "I was looking at the patterns." "You know, cork is good for sound." "It's very quiet in here." "Reception." "No." "You've got an hour before they come in." "No." "He hasn't come back from the meeting yet." " Mr. Pipkin?" " Pupkin." "Sorry." "I'm Cathy Long." "Can I help you?" " You are?" " I'm Bert Thomas' assistant." "He's our executive producer." "Sorry." "I've already spoken to Jerry directly... about my being on the show." "He said to talk to him personally." "What is it exactly that you do?" " I--standup comic." " Where are you working at?" "I'm just working on new material." "As soon as you start working again... call, and we'll send someone down to check out your act." "Thanks for stopping by." "Jerry and I went over all this last night." "Does Jerry know your work?" "Yes." "I don't think he does." "You have a tape I could listen you?" "A tape?" "Oh, naturally." "Whatever you'd like." "Sure." "Drop by a tape." "I will." "I can see why Jerry would need that." "Nice meeting you." "Nice meeting you, too." "This is really what's right." "This is great." "This is-- See you again." "Nice talking to you." "Goodbye." "Rupert." "Hey, Rupert.!" "We've got to talk." "What happened last night?" "Did Jerry say anything?" " Nothing happened." " Did he talk about me?" "No." "He talked about me." "He must have said something about me." "Nothing." "What could he say... after what you did in the car last night?" "You must be really loving this." "Yeah." "You were schmucko supremo last night." "I'm the schmuck?" "Me?" "You're wrong, buddy!" "If I hadn't gotten in that car last night... you wouldn't have had the chance... to talk to Jerry." "Keep that in mind." "Not to be cruel, but we're near Jerry's building." "God forbid he should see me with you... because Jerry and I have a real relationship, no fantasy world." "After what you did last night..." "I don't want to see you anymore." "Fine!" "If that's what you want!" "Yes." "That's what I want." "Just get it to him!" "I'm not giving him anything." "No way, José." "You're so friendly." "You give it to him." "We're having a communication problem." "That's what you call it?" "You're always bragging about how you broke bread with Jerry." "Give it to him." "Just do this for me!" "I've done things for you!" "What have you done for me?" "What are you talking about?" "How about Howard Johnson's?" "I bought you food and coffee night after night!" "You're crazy." "You didn't get me anything." " I bought my coffee." " You never bought anything!" "I did things for you that no money can buy." "How about when I gave you my spot?" "I let you get right next to Jerry!" "I waited for eight hours." "You were crying because you wanted next to Jerry." "You got next to him!" "What about giving you my last album... of The Best of Jerry.!" "I didn't even ask you for money... and I can't even pay my rent!" "I live in a hovel." "You live in a townhouse!" "O.K., you want to do that?" "I got money for you!" "I can't believe how long I've hung out with you... and listened to your tired, stale, boring jokes." " Here's $900." "No!" "No!" " Be quiet." "Take this and give it to Jerry!" "This is the last time." "This is the last time." "When will he get it?" "Because you're a wacko." "I'll know if you don't.!" "I know where you and Jerry are.!" "I cover the waterfront!" "Remember that!" "What are you looking at?" "Beat it.!" "You scum.!" "You're street trash.!" "First of all, Miss Long... thank you very much for your help at the office... and for passing this onto Jerry." "I appreciate it more than you know." "Jerry, before I begin... thank you for listening to this material... and for the opportunity you've given me." "Lots of people think that people who've made it... lose their feeling for struggling young talent, such as myself." "Now I know from experience... that those people are just cynics... embittered by their own failure." "I know, Jerry, that you are as human as the rest of us... if not more so." "There's no point in going on about it." "You know how I feel, so let's get on with the show" "The Best of Rupert Pupkin." "Jerry, I've sketched out this little outline... to save you time." "It's a little introduction." "So close your eyes, imagine it's exactly 6:00." "You're standing in the wings... and we hear Lou Brown and the orchestra... strike up your theme song." "And now, from New York... it's the Jerry Langford Show... with Jerry's guests Richard Pryor..." "Ben Gazzara..." "Elizabeth Ashley..." "Carol Burnett... and the comedy find of the year... making his television debut..." "Rupert Pupkin, the new king of comedy!" "Rupert.!" "Rupert.!" "Are you crazy?" "Say hello..." "What's wrong with you?" " People are sleeping.!" "Aw, Mom.!" "Lower it.!" "What's the matter with you?" "Mom!" "Take it easy." "Lower it." "I'm not going to lower it!" "I have to do this now!" "I don't mind you playing it... but lower it.!" "Now, you come on, Jerry, and you do your monologue." "Then when the time comes... this is how I see you introducing me." "You could say something like this." "Will you please give your warmest welcome... to the newest king of comedy..." "Rupert Pupkin!" "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "My name is Rupert Pupkin." "I was born in Clifton, New Jersey... which is north of..." "Is there anyone here from..." "But the fact is..." "Mr. Pipkin..." "Pupkin." "You'll get it right one of these days." "How are you?" "I'll bet you have a tape." " Right here." " O.K. Got your name on it?" "We'll listen and get it back to you soon." "Thanks." "When Jerry finds a moment." "Good." "When will that be?" "Uh..." "Actually, you can try me tomorrow." " Tomorrow?" " I might know something by then." " Otherwise, Monday." " Monday?" "Hmm." "What I might do is just wait here awhile." "Maybe Jerry will find a minute." "You're really just wasting your time." "We won't know anything till tomorrow at the earliest." "I don't mind." "I'm not wasting my time." "I'm glad to do it." "It's important to me." " It'll probably be Monday." " Monday?" "Monday." "Well, I'll still wait." "Really, I don't mind." "It's O.K." "Tell you what." "Why don't you try me tomorrow afternoon for sure?" " Tomorrow?" " Mm-hmm." " What time?" " 4:30." "4:30." "I'll be here." " Thank you." " You're welcome." " And thank Jerry." "O.K." " I will." "Goodbye." "Goodbye." "At least once in his life, every man is a genius." "I'll tell you something, Rupe... it will be more than once in your life for you... because you've got it." "From what I've heard here, yeah, you've got it... and you're stuck with it." "If you wanted to get rid of it, you couldn't." "It's always going to be there." "I know there's no formula for it." "I just don't know how you do it... and I'm not curious, mind you... because I want to use the material." "I'm curious because I don't know how you do it." "I really have to ask you that." "How do you do it?" "I think it's that I look at my whole life... and I see the awful things in my life... and turn it into something funny." "It just happens... but what about the first few one-liners?" "Were they strong enough?" "If they were any stronger, you'd hurt yourself." "They're marvelous, you daffy bastard." "Leave them alone." "They're beautiful." "A man said-- Listen to me." "Listen to me." "A man said something very profound some years ago... which I later originated." "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." "Want to know how I know it's so good?" " Yes." " 'Cause I envy you." "I hate you, but I envy you... because it's purity, it's marvelous, it's humor based on you." "No one else could do it, but you." "I wouldn't lie." "I wouldn't lie to you, Rupe." "This weekend is perfect for you to come to the house, if you care to." "We'll hash it around... only 'cause I want to know how you do it." "There'll be people there, but we can still work." "It sounds great." " Terrific." " I would really like to come." "Could I bring somebody?" "Ayoung lady?" "A very special young lady." "Of course." "I'd like to meet her." "Hey, Jerry, how you doing?" "How are you?" "You're looking good." "You should see me in my white taffeta." "Ha ha ha!" "You're doing some great shows, Jerry." "Thanks a lot." "How about putting me on your show?" "I could have used you last night." "Ha ha ha!" " Hey, Jerry.!" " Hey, Jerry.!" "Come on down!" "Hi, Jerry, how are you?" "Hi, there." "Morris, you will not believe... who's coming down here." "Jerry Langford, right?" "Right." "Oh, Morris, please hold on." "Jerry, please sign my magazine for me?" " Yeah." " You're wonderful." "I've watched you your entire career." "You're a joy to the world." "Please say something to my nephew Morris on the phone." "He's in the hospital and" "I'm sorry." "I'm late." "You should only get cancer!" "I hope you get cancer!" "Jerry, an autograph?" "I can't." "I'm late." "I can't believe that kind of a person!" "Yes, sir." "Oh, hi." "Hi." "How are you?" "Not bad." "Good." "Good." "I'm fine." "Can I help you?" "Yes." "I'd like to see Jerry, please." "You are..." "Pupkin." "Rupert Pupkin." "Mr. Potkin is here." "That's right." "O.K." "She'll be with you in a minute." "Who was that?" "Miss Long." "Oh, well..." "I'd... prefer to see Jerry." "Miss Long will take care of you." "O.K. I'll wait right here." "And as a surprise... to Rupert being on the show with us tonight... we'd like to present to you someone... in a form that we've never presented before, a mystery guest." "Please welcome our mystery guest." "Let's hear it for him." "Jerry, this is the mystery guest?" "This is the mystery guest." "Let's see if I can place him." "I think I know." "Don't you remember me?" "No, I don't." "I'm George Cap." "George Cap, my high school principal." "You guessed it." "You used to fail me all the time." "What do you have him on for?" "He's an enemy." "Because you deserved it." " Oh, thank you." "I'm a justice of the peace now." " I perform weddings." " Do you?" "Jerry." "Jerry, what are you doing?" "I can't believe this." "Believe because it's part of the surprise." "How would the audience... like to see the king of comedy... marry his queen right here on the show?" "I don't know what to say.!" "Thanks a million, Jerry." "That's too much." "That's too much." "Dearly beloved... when Rupert here was a student... at the Clifton high school... none of us--myself... his teachers..." "his classmates-- dreamt that he would amount to a hill of beans... but we were wrong... and you, Rupert, you were right... and that's why tonight... before the entire nation... we'd like to apologize to you personally... and to beg your forgiveness... for--for all the things we did to you... and we'd like to thank you personally... all of us... for the meaning you've given our lives." "Please accept our warmest wishes, Rita and Rupert... for a long and successful reign together." "We'll be back to marry them right after this word." " Mr. Pupkin." " How are you today?" " I'm fine." " Good." "Good." "I want to thank you for your tape." "We listened to it with great interest." "We see a lot of good things... in what you're doing." "We think you have a very good potential." "Good." "Which is why we're being honest." "You should be." "We just don't think you're ready yet." "Don't think I'm ready?" "Now you're not right for Jerry." "Right for Jerry." "Mm-hmm." "Some of the material is good... but some of the one-liners, for instance... are not very strong." "In other words, you didn't like some of the jokes." "That's right." "I can take care of that." "Tell me the ones you dislike, and no problem." "That's a great help." "This is great." "You have a good potential." "Your timing was excellent... but you should keep developing your act." "Test it in a few live situations." "That would be very good for you." "There are clubs you can try." "When you start working in one of those, call." "We'll send someone to see you." "Promise." "Thanks." " You're welcome." "Bye-bye." " Thank you." "May I ask you a question?" "Yes." "Are you speaking for Jerry?" "Yes, I am." "He has complete faith in our judgment." "I'm sorry to have to say this... and don't take it personally... but I don't have faith in your judgment." "I'm sorry that you feel that way... but there's nothing we can do about that." "I'm afraid I'll have to disagree with you again." "Well, that's your privilege, Mr. Pupkin." "Would you excuse me?" "I have a great many things to do." "Miss Long, when will Jerry be back?" "Mr. Langford won't be in until very late this afternoon." "We mean what we say... when we thank you for coming... and we mean it when we say... you can call when you start working." "All right?" "Goodbye." "Goodbye." "Ahem." "Is there anyone else you'd like to see?" "No." "That's all right." "I don't mind waiting." "Which reminds me about the man who waited so long... he forgot what he was waiting for." "Well, would you mind waiting outside, Mr. Pupnick?" "This is a reception area and not a waiting room." "I understand." "You asked him to leave?" "Yeah, but he won't go." " What's his name?" " Rupert Pumpkin." " Hi." " Hi." "I'm Raymond Wirtz, in charge of security for the Langford Organization." "Let's go outside and talk." "Is this your bag?" "Yes." "I'm waiting for Jerry." " We'll discuss that outside." " I know he's expecting me." "Listen, we'll talk about that outside." "Please take your bag." "I'll explain company policy to you on the way, O.K.?" "I'm pretty sure you understand... that we have certain rules here... that are essential to the smooth functioning of our operation, right?" "Right." "Right." "Good." "I can just say" "Just listen, please." "And that without these rules... we really wouldn't be able to function at our best." "You follow my point?" "I get the point except" "Please, Mr. Puffer, please." "No." "After you." "After you, sir, please." "If I could just say that Jerry's" "Just listen." "I checked with Miss Long." "You do not have an appointment." "Now, company policy is that only authorized personnel... and those persons with official business with our organization... are permitted on our premises." "In other words, you want me to leave the building?" "Well, did you get it to him?" "What?" "Did you get my letter to him?" "He's not in there, O.K.?" "Now that you're in with him, you can't do me a favor?" "Don't bother." "Just give me the letter." " He wasn't there." " I saw him go in." " Who?" "Jerry." "He's up there." "Want to see him?" "That's impossible, because they assured me that he was out." "And you believed them?" "You're so naive." "I would expect that from you." "You're so inexperienced." "You're such a chump." "He went up there just now?" "Of course." "Go back up." "Assert yourself a little bit." "He's up there right now." "Would you tell Jerry I'm here to see him, please?" "I'm sorry." "He's not in." "I happen to know that he is." "I'm sorry." "He's not in." "O.K., you're putting your job on the line, lady." "Security..." "You, too." "Mr. Pupkin, what are you doing here?" "Mr. Pupkin." "Mr. Pupkin." "Shelly, get security on the telephone." "There he goes." "Aah!" "Hold on, right." "Grab his other arm." "Hold on to him, right." "All right." "Right out the door." "Come on." "You wouldn't listen, eh?" "Jerry, Jerry!" "Nobody's going to help you." "You're going to have a lot of explaining to do, Mr. Wirtz." "You had your warning, Krupkin." "My lawyer will be calling you." "Make sure he gets my name right." "Say goodbye to our guest, Miss Long." "Wait till Jerry hears about this." "Don't worry." "I will mention your name to Jerry." "Now listen good, because if we see your face again..." "I--I understand." "We're going to call the police." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Ha ha." " Terrific." " Thank you." "I suppose you got the letter to him." "No." "I'll get it later." "When?" "You just got thrown out." "I didn't get thrown out of the building." "Excuse me." "I wasn't getting thrown out of the building." "You're a constant embarrassment." "They walked me outside." "Just a moment." "You can't handle the simplest thing." "I'll tell you something else." "I'm going to Jerry's for the weekend." "He invited me." "That's how much you know." "Do I look O.K.?" "You look wonderful." "Does this look all right?" "That, I'm not sure about... but you look wonderful." "What do you mean?" "What's wrong with it?" "I don't think you need it." "That's all." "You don't think it looks nice?" "No." "It looks wonderful." "Hello." "Hello." "You must be Jonno." "Yes." "My name is Rupert Pupkin." "This is Rita Keene." "Let Jerry know that we're here." "Mr. Langford ask you to come?" "Oh, no." "We just thought we'd drop in uninvited for the weekend." "Oh, what a view." "The blue bag is mine." "But Mr. Langford's not here." "Where is he?" "Out playing golf?" "Yes." "I hope he's finally going to break 1 00." "1 00?" "Perhaps better you come back." "We'll just wait." "But Mr. Langford's not here." "No." "That's O.K. We'll just wait." "It's O.K. We don't mind waiting." "Is this lovely?" "The table's only set for one." "How you like it?" "I could live here." "Mr. Langford, I'm sorry to disturb you, sir." "Uh, what's wrong?" "Everything's wrong." "There a couple over here." "His name is, uh, uh, Pumpkin." "Pumpkin, yes." "Do you know a name Pumpkin?" "So, didn't you tell him what time we'd be getting here?" "We didn't have time to iron out the details." "Yeah, but that butler wasn't even expecting us." "Jerry has more important things to think about... than what he's going to tell his houseboy." "Oh, really?" "Well, excuse me." "He knows everything." "He knows you're playing golf and everything." "He want to spend a weekend over here." "Yes, and you better come back." "He's, uh, he's touching everything." "He's ruining the house." "Hey, I'm getting a heart attack already." "Here's a famous one... with the youngest clown in the world--Zippo." "Remember this one with Ray Charles on Jerry's special?" " That's famous." " I know." "Here's a famous one when he was a kid, 1 2 years old." "Someone sent this in." "It was part of the show-- ""I knew you when" section." "Someone sent that in as a joke." "Jerry shows it to everyone on the show." "If I should take a notion..." "Let's get a little life in this place." "It's like a funeral parlor." "Rita, you should really turn that off." "You shouldn't put that on now." "It's not polite." "How about a spin, handsome?" "I can't really dance in the house." "A little fun never hurt anybody." "What if Jerry walks in?" "He'll be happy to see us having a good time." "You're his friend." "He won't mind." "Ain't nobody's business if I do" "Oh, one day..." "Wonder what the rest of this place is like." "Well, I'm sure it's very nice." "Oh, that--no, Rita." "I wouldn't go up there." "Rita, Rita, Rita, I don't think it's a good idea." "Rita." "They're watching us." "You don't have the right to go upstairs." "Rita, please don't go." "You going to open the goddamn door?" "Mr. Langford." "Standing out there eight minutes." "What was with the door?" "Jesus." "Where are they?" "I was going to call the police." "Hi, Jerry." "Hi, Jerry." "How are you?" "We were just freshening up upstairs." "Rita, I want you to meet the Jerry Langford." "Jerry, I want you to meet the Rita Keene." "Come on down." "That a girl." "Come on down." "What's your pleasure, Jerry?" "It's kind of hot out there." "I want something nice to drink." "Jerry, what would you like?" "Jerry." "Excuse us for taking the liberty, but it's not every day... that a girl like Rita meets a man like you." "This is part of your success." "What can you do?" "How was your golf game?" "Did you finally break 1 00?" "I told them you were not here." "That's right." "He did." "They did, Jerry." "They were very helpful." "We took an earlier train because there wasn't anything until after 1 :00." "Anyway, I brought the work." "It's right here... all ready and set to go." "So... where is everybody?" "What everybody?" "What everybody?" "The guests, Jer." "To tell you the truth, we're getting a little hungry." "You know I could have you arrested?" "Ha ha ha." "He could have us arrested." "Of course." "There's no way that we can prove that we belong here." "When he comes up with an idea, he's terrific." "Really?" "I never thought of that." "You should have." "We could set up a story... where you invite your friends out for the weekend... and you throw them all in jail." "Ha ha ha." "That's terrific." "That's terrific." "What's the matter?" "Lighten up." "Let's work on that after we work on this." "How did you get here?" "Walked in the door." "What do you mean?" "What's the matter with you?" "How did you get here?" "I think you're upset." "I'm going to leave my material here." "We'll talk later." "You've got more important things to worry about." "We'll take a stroll until lunchtime." "Did anyone ever tell you you're a moron?" "You know, Jerry, I want to tell you something." "Ordinarily, I wouldn't allow anyone... to speak that way about Rita... but since it's you, I know you're only kidding." "He's a real character." "Rupert." "He's saying he wants us to go." "No." "He's not saying that." "Jerry, tell her you're not saying that." "He's not saying that at all." "Call the station, Jonno." "Where you going, Rita?" "There'll be a cab here in 1 0 minutes." "I'd appreciate if you'd use it." "Why?" "You going someplace?" "You are." "Did I say something wrong?" "'Cause if I did... could we chalk it up to inexperience." "Rita?" "I have my stuff right here." "We could do it in a half an hour at the most." "You'd have the afternoon to yourself." "I want you out of here." "I want you out of here now." "Is that plain enough?" " I understand." " Is that clear?" "Yeah, yeah, Jerry, I understand." "Look, you're tired." "That's O.K." "I'm going to leave the stuff here." "Let me know what you think." "Rupert, don't be so dopey." "The man is telling us to go." "He's not." "Will you stop that?" "Mr. Langford, I want you to know..." "Tell her she's wrong." "I don't even know this guy." "He told me you were friends." " Rita, Rita!" " I feel terrible about this." "I'm so humiliated." "If there's anything I can do to make this up to you..." "Don't listen to her." "She wants to spoil everything." "Come on, Rupert." "Let's go." "Jerry" "O.K., come on." "Come on." "Come on." "Let's go." "Sorry, Mr. Langford." "Do you understand English?" "Take your things and go!" "I just want you to listen to my stuff." "Is that asking too much?" "Yes, it is." "I have a life, O.K.?" "I have a life, too." "That's not my responsibility." "It is when you tell me to call you..." "I told you to call to get rid of you!" " To get rid of me?" " That's right." "I can take a hint." "If I didn't tell you that... we'd still be at my apartment!" "So I made a mistake!" "So did Hitler!" "All right." "This is the way it is when you're famous." "Do you understand now?" "That's how you guys are?" "No, not them." "Me, yeah." "That's how you are when you reach the top?" "I was that way before." "Now I know how people like you are." "Goodbye and good luck." "And Jerry, Jerry..." "I just want to say one more thing, Jerry." "I'm glad what you did to me today... because now I know I can't rely on anybody." "Not you, not anybody... and I shouldn't rely on anybody." "Right." "I'm going to work 50 times harder... and I'm going to be 50 times more famous than you." "Then you'll have idiots like you plaguing your life!" "That's right." "Yes." "Come on, Rita." "We're wasting our time." "Jonno, lock that door." "You did good, Mr. Langford." "Thank you." "It looks real." "That's the whole point." "Is that him?" "No." "You sure?" "Sure, I'm sure." " It looks too much like him." " What?" "When it's him, it doesn't look like him." "God, it feels like it's taking him forever." "How much longer?" "It's him." "Yeah." "That's him." " Don't go too fast." " O.K., O.K." "Stay on this side so you're not all over him." "I'm getting over soon." "Get in the next lane... when we cross at the light here." "O.K., O.K., O.K." "There are too many people." "I know." "I know." "Keep going." "He walks in the most crowded areas." "Well, because he doesn't want to be alone." "Why?" "Tell me." "Tell me why." "I know." "You tell me why." "Don't get an attitude with me right now." "Explain it to me, 'cause you know so much about him." "Fill me in." "Let me learn from you." "All right." "When he walks on crowded streets... he feels safe." "That's why." "Is that what it is?" "Thanks for telling me." "When you're losing sight" "Lost in your eyes" "O.K., go past him and stop." "Hey, Jerry." "Get over here." "Get in there." "I'm not fooling around." "What are you doing?" "Are you crazy?" "Get in, Jerry." "Get in." "Hi, Jerry." "She's going to hold the gun on your head." "Don't make any false moves." "I'd hate to have to do anything drastic." "Now, if everything works out... you should be out of here... by the very latest, 1 2:00, 1 2:30." "Oh, maybe 1 :00." "1 :1 5 the very latest." "What I want you to do is call your producer." "Call what?" "Bert Thomas." "I want you to call him." "I'll give you the phone now." "Get him on the phone... and I'll tell you exactly what to say, O.K.?" "Now, if you don't do it..." "I don't know what to say." "There could be a problem." "Now watch your eyes, Jerry." "I'm going to take these off now." "It's a little bright in here, O.K.?" "O.K." "Are these yours?" "Jerry, these are yours?" "Yeah." "Do you mind if I have one?" " I don't mind." " Thank you." " Masha, do you want one?" " Save it for me." "You want one?" "Yeah, I'd love one, but will you save it?" "It's a little inconvenient at the moment." "Do you want one?" "No." "I'll just take one for later, then." "You know, there's no reason to get mad about it." "I'm just trying to ease the tension." "Even though this is a strange situation... there are moments of friendship... and moments of sharing, or whatever." "O.K., let's go." "Jerry, I mean business." "Get on the phone." "Let's go." "The fun is over." "Let's go." "Come on." "Bert Thomas, please." "Jerry Langford." "What happened?" "They hung up." "Call them again." "Why did they hang up?" "Probably thought it was a gag." "We get that all the time." "Well, I find that strange... but it's typical... 'cause that's the way they treat even you... 'cause I'll let you in on a little secret." "That's the way they treated me... and now look where we are." "Bert Thomas." "Audrey, this is Jerry Langford." "Get Bert Thomas on the phone quickly." "I'm too busy for fun and games today." "Goodbye." "Did you hear what I said?" "This is Jerry Langford." "Get Bert Thomas." "This is serious." "Now move it." "Why don't we have somebody else?" "Like what?" "It's Mr. Langford." "He says it's urgent." "Tell him I'll call him back." "I'm busy." "It's that Martino kid the impressionist." "O.K." "Will you do what I tell you?" "Do it quick." "I'm sorry, Mr. Thomas." "He absolutely insists on talking to you." "O.K., I'll take it." "Martino, you know better than" "Bert, I said this is Jerry." "Jerry Langford, and I'm in deep trouble." "Now, you'd best pay attention." "Yeah." "I am listening." "Would you give me that again?" "Now, wait a minute." "Um, I want to ask you something." "What do we call our second camera man?" "We call our second camera man Helen Keller." "His favorite color is plaid." "Helen Keller, plaid?" "What is that?" "When someone imitates me on the phone... the only way they know it's me is by that clue." "And if I didn't know the name we call him" "Say no more." "I understand." "Now, listen, Bert." "Listen carefully." """I have a gun..."" """at my head."" """If a man who identifies himself as..."" """the king..."" "The card's upside down." "Sorry." """Is not allowed to be the first guest on..."" "You got a blank card there." "Hold on, Bert." "I'm reading from cue cards." ""Tonight's show... '" ""you'll never see me... '" "Go back." ""Alive again. '" "It--it's not grammatically correct... but I think you have the idea." "It's clear, but let me break in for a minute." "Don't you do anything silly." "O.K., I'm O.K." "I'm O.K., Bert." "Just get it done." "He wants you to call at 5:00." "I'll give you the private number... and they'll do whatever you want." "O.K., that was very good, Jerry." "Turn around and see how it looks." "Oh, I love it." "I'm sorry." "The sleeves aren't quite right." "Do you like it on him?" "What do you think?" "I think it looks pretty good." "To guess on it, have it turn out like this." "I'm very pleased with it." "The color's great." "I like to see him a little more casual for a change." "This is a look I like to see on him." "Not so uptight." "Not so..." "I got to get started here." "It's wonderful." "It's very good." " Be honest with me." " I'm being honest." "Would you wear it?" "I like it." "I'm so glad I went with red." "It looks so good on him." "It looks good, Jerry." " Come on." " What?" "Take it off and let's go." "Oh, O.K., fine." "You want me to take it off?" "Yeah." "Can't he wear it for a little while?" "Will you take it off, please?" "I know he's in a meeting." "This is an emergency, and I've got to talk to him." "You'll interrupt him or I'll come busting into that meeting." "No." "Forget calling me back." "I'm on my way." "Why didn't you just listen to the tape?" "It wasn't that hard... a few minutes of your time to listen to something... that I worked on my whole life." "Let's go to my office... and we'll play the tape right now." "Do you know what would happen if I went there?" "You know, I'm not stupid." "Nobody's calling you stupid." "You pulled this off." "That makes you smart." "You know, Jerry, I'm going to tell you something." "Friendship is a two-way street." "Do you know that?" "And you couldn't care less about me." "Am I holding this till next Shavuot?" "You going to make some decisions?" "You going to knock off the talking for two minutes?" "You put the sweater on him." "Yeah." "It took one minute." " You have a long night ahead of you." " I have something to say." "You've got enough to say." " You're driving me nuts." "Just a minute." "Can you be quiet for one goddamn minute... and let me rest with this gun?" "You're driving me crazy!" "You haven't shut up since we've walked in." "This is my house." "This is my domain." "Jerry is my guest, and you're my guest." "And you're lucky to be here." "You change in my house." "You get to get your head together for the show tonight." "Give me a little break." "Shut up." " Why don't you shut up?" "I listened to you talk about that sweater." "Worrying about the sleeves, the color." "Did I say anything?" "I made it for Jerry... and it looks fabulous on him." "Whose idea was this anyway?" "If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't even be here." "Why didn't you just listen to the tape when I asked?" "I'm sure you can understand." "Doing the kind of show I'm doing, it's mind-boggling." "There's so much stuff that comes down... you can't keep your head clear." "And if that's the case, I'm wrong." "You're right." "I'm wrong." "If I'm wrong, I apologize." "I'm just a human being... with all of the foibles and all of the traps... the show, the pressure... the groupies, the autograph hounds... the crew, the incompetence... those behind-the-scenes you think are your friends." "You're not sure if you'll be there tomorrow... because of their incompetence." "There are wonderful pressures that make every day... a glowing, radiant day in your life." "It's terrific." "O.K., if all of that means nothing... if I'm wrong, in spite of all that... then I apologize." "I'm sorry." "If you accept my apology..." "I think we should shake hands." "We'll forget the whole thing." "I won't press charges." "You could be in deep trouble... but I will not press charges." "That's easy for you to say." "But I mean it." "I'll go to the office... and tell them all it's a gag." "They'll understand that." "If I tell them, they'll buy it." "Then we'll put the tape on." "Sit down." "I said, ""sit down."" "You heard what he said." "With a gun on him, he wants to be friends." "What happens when he walks out the door?" "What happens then, Jerry?" "You get to his office, and they jump you." "Is that what happens, Jerry?" "Not if I tell them not to." "No one's going to jump you." "If I tell them to, they do it." "No one's going to jump you." "Now, that's the truth." "Take my word for it." "If you think I'm not telling you the truth... then don't respond." "If I'm telling the truth, let me out of here." "He gives me his word." "And what else?" "And what else, Jerry?" "There is nothing else, just my word." "Now, isn't my word good enough?" "I'm sorry, Jerry." "Suppose we tape him, he doesn't talk... it gets to be 11:30... do we put him on no matter what?" "Go ahead and tape him." "It won't hurt anything." "You can always erase it." "We may learn something from it... and it'll also buy us time." "But under no circumstances... will we put this man on the air." "This lunatic is threatening Jerry." "You're not putting him on the air?" "Gentlemen, let's not get excited." "I don't think you understand." "We'll tape at 7:00." "We won't have to make a decision... about putting him on the air till 11:30." "This gives us four hours to move in." "Hopefully, by that time... we'll have your Mr. Langford back safely." "Harry, that's it." "We're suing." "We're going to sue everybody." "Who is this man?" "Jerry's lawyer." "That's who he is." "Who am I?" "I'm the one who's suing." "I'm the lawyer." "Jay." "Don't Jay me, please." "Jay, who are you going to sue?" "We're suing you personally." "Who else are you're suing?" "The FBI." "We have a serious situation." "I want it dealt with rationally." "Unless we start talking politely... there's going to be serious consequences." "There's nothing polite about kidnapping." "It's one of the most stupid offenses ever created." "Where's the defense of kidnapping?" "How can you say, ""I was crazy,"" """I didn't know what I was doing,"" " "I did on the spur of the moment'?" " Who cares?" "Who cares?" "Only an idiot kidnaps... and decides to do what you're doing." "Jerry, I'm going to go now." "Pretty soon, you'll be able to go... about 1 2:00 as I said." "Have a good time." "I know you will." "Bye." "First of all, we don't know... whether we're dealing with kidnappers or terrorists." "Terrorists?" "Terrorists?" "You might have this man go on the air... deliver a coded message... and very possibly 50 people... around the country would lose their lives." "You're out of your mind." "I'm not out of my mind." "That guy will be taped." "We'll listen to what he says." "And unless something horrendous is on that tape... we'll put that tape on the air." "Because all we're dealing with is 1 0 minutes... of talk show time against a man's life." "And I don't see that as any argument." "Hello." "How are you today?" "Well, I'm calling" "Mr. King calling collect long-distance for Mr. Thomas." "Mr. Thomas, there's a long-distance call." "Let's go." "This is it." "Remember." "Keep him talking." "Uh, hi there." "Who is this?" "This is Mr. King." "I'm calling for Mr. King." "Well, you're right on time." "Yes." "Of course." "We're always punctual." "We're fine." "Thank you." "I want to make it brief" "Could I break in and ask... could I speak to Jerry?" "Jerry's not with us now." "We're at a pay phone." "So, don't try and have the call traced... which I noticed you did." "It's kind of important, you know... so that we know that he's in your care." "We're bringing along an article of clothing... that I know you'll recognize." "It will be satisfactory to everyone." "It's not as easy as you think... just to walk in the studio" "No, Bert, if I could call you" "Well, if I could just say, there is no problem." "The material is clean material." "Do you know standards and practices?" "No." "But that can be discussed." "Now, all I can say is... don't have any press leaks." "You must keep the audience there until 11:45 or 12:00... after it has been aired nationally." "Thank you." "We'll discuss the other things." "Nice talking to you." "One" "Boy, he's shrewd." "He just, uh, wouldn't buy anything." "I feel completely impulsive tonight." "Anything could happen." "I have so much to tell you." "I don't know where to start." "I want to tell you everything about myself... everything you don't know." "Do you like these glasses?" "Crystal." "Beautiful." "I bought them just for you." "There's something about them... the simplicity of them." "If you don't like them... if there's a doubt in your mind..." "You know, sometimes during the day..." "I'll do the simplest things." "I'll be taking a bath and I say to myself..." """I wonder if Jerry's taking a bath right now?"" "And I just hope... that you're not drowning or something." "I get really worried about you... like something terrible is going to happen." "I have these daydreams... like I'm with you at the golf course... driving your cart... just driving around." "Need a putter, Jer, you know?" "Need an iron?" "I don't even know how to play golf." "I played with my parents once... but, uh, but I love you." "I never told my parents that I love them." "They never told me that they loved me either... which was fine with me." "But I love you." "You want some wine?" "No, O.K." "I'm not in the mood to drink either, though." "I'm in the mood to be alone with you." "Why don't we just clear off the table?" "I was thinking... why don't we go upstairs?" "But that's so predictable." "Let's just take everything off the table... and do it right here." "That would blow your mind." "It would blow my mind." "I've never done anything like that." "I never even had anybody over for dinner." "Let alone, made love on the table." "I want to do that." "I just want to dance." "I want to, like, put on some Shirelles." "I want to be black." "Wouldn't that be insane?" "God, you know who I wish was tonight?" "I wish I was Tina Turner... just dancing through the room." "Ooh ooh" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Please have your tickets ready." "Good evening, Officer." "My name is Clarence McCabe." "Are these people with you?" "Yes." "This is my wife." "And these are her parents... the Saunders from Cleveland, Ohio." "I'll check your name, sir." "I'm going to be on third." "I'll check your name, sir." "I'm sorry, sir." "I don't see your name, sir." "You just went pass the N's." "I'll go back again, sir." "Here it is again, sir." "Let me just check." "No." "This is impossible." "Did Miss Long call you at all?" "No, sir, she didn't." "She didn't tell you about my book?" "Listen, I follow this list." "She told me to present myself at 5:45." "It's now 5:50." "I've only got 1 0 minutes." "Only authorized personnel allowed in here." "That's the rules and regulations." "You never heard of the book?" "The Vanishing Siberian Tiger." "Well, can I call Miss Long?" "You cannot call Miss Long at all, sir." "Can you call Miss Long?" "Your name isn't on the list." "I cannot let you in." "That's the rules of the place." "I'm going to try to get her." "Stop him." "Miss Long." "Hold on." "Let go of me." "Let go of me." "What is this Clarence McCabe?" "That's who I am." "Is that your real name?" "Well, technically, it's my real name." "No, it's a pseudonym, an alias." "Why did you use the pseudonym?" "I'm an author." "That's my business." "Author of what?" "I wrote a book called The Vanishing Siberian Tiger." "I spent two years in Russia... two years in China researching that thing." "Russia?" "China?" "Does that make me a Communist?" "Up in control, we have one more light to pre-set." "Hello." "I'm the king." "What?" "The king." "What can I do for Your Highness?" "Really." "I'm the king." "Oh, yes, sir." "You're dressing room is backstage." "Your throne is in there also." "Very funny." "Is there someone in charge?" "Mr. Ding." "He's a little fellow with an ice cream cone." " Miss Long." " Mr. Pipkin?" "No, it's Mr. Pupkin." "How are you?" "What are you doing here, Mr. Pupkin?" "I'm the king." "I think you're expecting me." " Yeah." " Yes." "Mr. Thomas around?" "You're going to love me" "Like nobody's loved me" "Come rain or come shine" "Happy together" "Unhappy together" "And won't it be fine?" "Days may be cloudy or sunny" "We're in and we're out of the money" "I'm with you always" "I'm with you" "Rain" "Or shine" "Mr. King." "I'm Inspector Gerrity from the FBI." "Do you understand?" "What is your name?" "Rupert Pupkin." "What is your real name?" "That's my real name." "Rupert Pupkin." "Well, Mr. Pumpkin, are you going to tell us... where Jerry Langford is or not?" "Are you from the show?" "I'm not from the show." "This is my assistant Agent Giardello." "This is Captain Burke of the police." "I'd like to meet someone from the show." "You don't see anyone... until I get to see Langford." "I'd like to see someone from the show." "You won't see someone unless you tell us where Langford is." "Well, then Jerry Langford is dead." "Get Thomas." "I'm Bert Thomas." "Are you Mr. King?" "Yes." "How do you do?" "Did we talk on the phone today?" "We spoke a few moments ago." "Then Jerry spoke to you earlier." "Where did you get this?" "That's Jerry's as you can see." " What's that?" " That's my blood, not Jerry's." "I'll buy this." "What do we have here?" "Now, this is my introduction..." "I'd like Mr. Randall to speak it word for word." "This is Randall's introduction to your monologue?" "Could I have a copy of your monologue?" "Well, actually, I have it memorized." "So, I don't have" "There are reasons that I need a copy." "We have to make sure we don't say anything obscene." "No." "It's all right." "Really." "Yeah." "It's a wholesome monologue." " You guarantee that?" " I guarantee it." "Make sure that audience lasts till 11:30." "Everything he needs, anything he asks for." "Nice meeting you." "Sit down, Pupkin." "Mr. Pupkin, I got to tell you this." "From this point on... you have the right to remain silent... 'cause anything you say from here on out might be used..." " against you later on in a court of law." " I'm aware of that." "Say you understand." "I understand that." "Did you participate in the abduction of Jerry Langford?" "Yes, I did." "I abducted him." "You abducted him?" "Yes." "Do you know where Mr. Langford is right now?" "Will you lead us to Mr. Langford?" "No, I won't." "Well, at this time, Mr. Pupkin..." "I want to advise you... to consider yourself under arrest." "Fine." "I think I should get made up." "You need some makeup." "Put some color in his face." "I'd like to put some color in your face." "Really." "I should get made up." "Tony, did you want to see me?" "Have you seen this stuff?" "I think it's fine." "You think this is fine?" "My writing staff was executed in Central Park by the network firing squad?" "You're laughing at that?" "It's very good." "Do it, please." "Why do I?" "Exactly as it's written." "It'll be good for you." "Trust me." "You're the director." "Can you help me?" "Take the tissues out of your collar and let's go." "Turn the cards fast." "Are you listening to me?" "Turn the cards fast." "Let's do something crazy tonight." "Just get insane." "I want to be crazy." "I want be nuts." "I want some fun." "My doctor says don't have any fun." "You're not allowed to have a good time." "I have to be in control." "I'd like to see myself out of my head." "Wouldn't you like to see that?" "Wouldn't that be great?" "Wouldn't that be fabulous?" "I'm having a good time." "I'm having fun." "Fun is my middle name." "That's right." "Having some fun." "I never had this much fun before." "That's right." "Good old-fashioned, All-American fun." "And now, direct from New York... it's... with guest host Tony Randall... and his special guests..." "Shelley Winters, Gore Vidal..." "Tony Bennett... as always, Lou Brown and the orchestra... and little old me-- Ed Herlihy." "And now, say hello to Tony!" "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "Thank you very much." "I have some sad news for you." "Earlier today, my writing staff... was executed in Central Park by the network firing squad... so there will be no sensational..." "Randall monologue this evening." "No embarrassing display of emotion, please." "Instead we're going to do something... a little bit different this evening." "A lot different, if you ask me." "We're going to give you a glimpse-- turn it over, please-- into the future." "It isn't often you can call someone a sure thing... in the entertainment business." "After all, the verdict is always in your hands." "I think tonight, after you've met... my first guest... you'll agree with me that he's destined for greatness!" "In one way or another." "So will you please give your warmest greetings... to the newest king of comedy" "Rupert Pupkin!" "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "Let me introduce myself." "My name is Rupert Pupkin." "I can't believe I'm going to kiss you." "Masha, take the tape off." "Really?" "Go on." "Take it off." "Ready now." "Take him back down." "Why did you do this?" "Tell me and maybe I'll be able to believe in you." "You know what time it is?" "Yes, it's 5 minutes to 11:00." "I think we'd better go." "I don't like to say it like this... but Jerry's going to be unavailable." "You'll understand when we go." "I'll understand?" "Why will I understand?" "Where are we going?" "That's part of the bargain." "I want to see it somewhere else" "Part of what bargain?" "Well, that's my understanding." "I just want to see it in this other place." "Once I see it, I'll give you Langford." "You don't understand my position." "I have you right now." "Having you, I have a shot at Langford." "But you don't have Jerry." "I understand that." "I'm doing this as fast as I can." "Good, Masha." "Yeah?" "Good." "You all right?" "I'm fine." "I know you are." "All right." "Come on." "Let's go." "Oh, one more thing." "I can't walk in here with you." "If you just wait here... and let me walk in by myself." "I'll break your ankles if you make a wrong move." "O.K., I promise, O.K.?" "Make believe you don't know me, too." "Go ahead." "O.K. Here you go." "Jerry, you seem a little bit" "Jerry!" "Jerry, wait!" "Jerry!" "Jerry!" "Jerry, come back here!" "Jerry!" "Oh, God." "What do you want now?" "What are you doing?" "I'm watching that." "It's almost over." "Just a minute." "Just a minute." "It's the Jerry Langford Show.!" "With guest host Tony Randall... and his special guests Shelley Winters..." "What's going on here?" "Do you know him?" "Unfortunately, yes." "Well, just sit tight." "Relax." "Everything will be O.K." "My first guest... you'll agree with me that... he's destined for greatness.!" "In one way or another." "So will you please give your warmest greetings... to the newest king of comedy" "Rupert Pupkin.!" "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "Let me introduce myself." "My name is Rupert Pupkin." "I was born in Clifton, New Jersey... which was not at that time a federal offense." "Is there anyone here from Clifton?" "Oh, good." "We can all relax$ now." "I'd like to begin by saying... my parents were too poor to afford me a childhood." "But the fact is that... no one is allowed to be too poor in Clifton." "Once you fall below a certain level... they exile you to Passaic." "My parents did put... the first two down payments on my childhood." "Don't get me wrong, but they did also... return me to the hospital as defective." "But, like everyone else..." "I grew up in large part thanks to my mother." "If she were only here today..." "I'd say, "Hey, ma, what are you doing here?" "You've been dead for nine years.!" "'" "But seriously, you should've seen my mother." "She was wonderful." "Blonde, beautiful, intelligent, alcoholic." "We used to drink milk together after school." "Mine was homogenized." "Hers was loaded." "Once they picked her up for speeding." "They clocked her doing 50." "All right, but in our garage?" "And when they tested her... they found out that her alcohol had 2% blood." "Ah, but we used to joke together, mom and me... until the tears would stroll down her face.." "and she would throw up.!" "Yeah, and who would clean it up?" "Not dad." "He was too busy down at O'Grady's... throwing up on his own." "Yeah." "In fact, until I was 1 6..." "I thought throwing up was a sign of maturity." "While the other kids... were off in the woods sneaking cigarettes..." "I was hiding behind the house... with my fingers down my throat." "The only problem was I never got anywhere... until one day my father caught me." "Just as he was giving me... a final kick in the stomach for luck..." "I managed to heave all over his new shoes.!" ""That's it, 'I thought." ""I've made it." "I'm finally a man.!" "'" "But as it turned out, I was wrong." "That was the only attention my father ever gave me." "Yeah, he was usually too busy... out in the park playing ball with my sister Rose." "But today, I must say... thanks to those many hours of practice... my sister Rose has grown into a fine man." "Me, I wasn't especially interested in athletics." "The only exercise I ever got... was when the other kids picked on me." "Yeah, they used to beat me up once a week... usually Tuesday." "And after a while... the school worked it into the curriculum." "And if you knocked me out, you got extra credit." "There was this one kid, poor kid... he was afraid of me." "I used to tell him..." ""Hit me, hit me." "What's the matter with you?" "Don't you want to graduate?" "'" "Hey, I was the youngest kid... in the history of the school... to graduate in traction." "But, you know, my only real interest... right from the beginning, was show business." "Even as a young man, I began at the very top-- collecting autographs." "Now, a lot of you are probably wondering... why Jerry isn't with us tonight." "Well, I'll tell you." "The fact is he's tied up." "I'm the one who tied him." "Well, I know you think I'm joking... but, believe me, that's the only way..." "I could break into show business-- by hijacking Jerry Langford." "Right now, Jerry is strapped to a chair... somewhere in the middle of the city." "Go ahead, laugh." "Thank you." "I appreciate it." "But the fact is, I'm here." "Now, tomorrow you'll know I wasn't kidding... and you'll think I was crazy." "But, look, I figure it this way." "Better to be king for a night... than schmuck for a lifetime." "Thank you." "Thank you." "How'd you do that?" "Did you like it?" "Thank you." "I'd like to buy everyone here a drink." "I hope you all enjoyed the show." "Rita, you keep the change." "Just because I made it big, I won't forget about you." "Come on." "Come on!" "What's happening here?" "Take care of yourself, Rupert." "That's the same guy who was just now on television." "Just now." "Same guy." "I'm just getting even." "No jokes." "No jokes." "You murdered." "You didn't like my show?" "No." "No." "Matter of fact..." "I'm looking for the guy that wrote the material." "I'll pick him up and take him along with you." "I wrote the material." "I disagree with you." "I thought they were very good jokes." "If you wrote that material..." "I got one piece of advice for you." "Throw yourself on your knees in front of the judge... and beg for mercy." "That's very funny, but you'll see." "In what has to rank as the most bizarre debut... in recent times... a self-styled comedian named Rupert Pupkin... appeared on the Jerry Langford Show..." "There's no doubt the incident has made..." "Rupert Pupkin a household word." "Pupkin's performance has been viewed... by a record 87 million American households." "Rupert Pupkin, kidnapping king of comedy... was sentenced to six$ years imprisonment... at the government's minimum security facility... in Allenwood, Pennsylvania, for his part... in the abduction of talk show host Jerry Langford." "On the anniversary of his appearance on the show..." "Rupert Pupkin told a gathering of reporters... he still considers Jerry Langford... his friend and mentor." "He reported he had been spending his time... writing his memoirs, which have been purchased... by a leading publishing house... for in excess of $ 1 million." "Rupert Pupkin was released today from Allenwood... after serving 2 years and 9 months... of a six$-year sentence." "Hundreds greeted the 3 7-year-old... comedian and author... among them his new agent and manager David Ball... who announced King For A Night..." "Pupkin's best-selling autobiography... will appear as a major motion picture." "Pupkin said he used his stay at Allenwood... to sharpen his material." "He said he and his people... were weighing attractive offers... and he looked forward to resuming.... his show business career." "And now, ladies and gentlemen... the man we've all been waiting for... and waiting for." "Would you welcome home please... television's brightest new star" "The legendary, inspirational... the one and only king of comedy" "Ladies and gentlemen, Rupert Pupkin.!" "Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen.!" "Let's hear it for Rupert Pupkin.!" "Wonderful.!" "Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen.!" "Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen.!" "Let's hear it for Rupert Pupkin.!" "Wonderful.!" "Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen.!" "How can you stand the silence" "That pervades when we all cry?" "How can you watch the violence" "That erupts before your eyes?" "How can you tell us something" "Just to keep us hanging on?" "Something that just don't mean nothing" "When we see it, you are gone" "Clinging to some other rainbow" "Or standing waiting in the cold" "Telling us the same old story" "Knowing time is growing old" "That was a wonderful remark" "I had my eyes closed in the dark" "I sighed a million sighs" "I told a million lies" "To myself" "To myself" "How can we listen to you" "When we know your talk is cheap?" "How can we ever question" "Why we give more and you keep?" "How can your empty laughter" "Fill the room like clouds of joy" "When you're only playing with us" "Like a child does with a toy?" "How can we ever feel the freedom?" "Or the flame lit by the spark?" "How can we ever come out even" "When reality is stark?" "That was a wonderful remark" "I had my eyes closed in the dark" "Yeah" "I sighed a million sighs" "I told a million lies" "To myself" "To myself" "Believin' to myself" "Ooh" "Believin' to myself" "To myself" "To myself" "To myself"