" Greg giraldo, everyone." " Thank you, Dave." "I don't know if you guys watch a lot of hip-hop videos, but, man, bitches are the shit." "Bitches are so much better than regular women." "They're always in a good mood." "They just dance around in their thongs and their high-heel shoes, and you get to smoke bongs and play the Xbox all day long." "They never seem to mind." "Bitches never complain." "They never tell you to take your feet off the couch." "Or, "we gotta go see my mother."" "Bitches don't even have mothers." "Greg giraldo, very simply, was the real thing." "He had the respect of real comedians." " Nobody was as good as him and yet lived as hard as him and delivered consistently like him." " One of the most compelling things about Greg was that there's an honest soul inside of everything he did." " The thing about his comedy was just being so raw and honest and real." "He just was such a real guy." " I was in a subway the other day." "This guys screams across the tracks, screams across the tracks, he goes," ""yo, Monica, yo, Monica, yo, you got aids, yo."" "And I thought, wow, that's how they tell you?" " He had this brain that was completely this, like, supercomputer that just wouldn't shut off." "It helped him generate all this stuff, but it also tortured him." " From the moment he got on to the moment he got off, he didn't take a breath, and it was all funny." " We need a whole new energy source." "We need something else." "It's not gonna be conservation." "Let's face it, Americans are not gonna conserve." "We're not gonna shift to smaller cars." "We can't!" "We have big, fat kids." " He was also the kind of comic that you went, "oh, son of a bitch."" "It was right in front of everybody's face." "He found it and I'm like," ""what am I, an idiot?"" " Gay marriage is fine if you want to make Jesus cry." "I mean, if that's your thing." "You know what I mean?" " That's why we love him." " There was a darkness about him that transcended beautifully in his comedy." " That's what made him funny." "Otherwise, you know, you got Jim belushi doing according to Jim, you know?" " Everybody thinks of him, you know, I think publicly as kind of a roast comic." "Never in a million years would I think of him as, like, an insult comic or a thing." "He was a heady comic." "He was not the guy in the club that you thought would die." "♪" " That's what you're calling it?" "Give it up for Greg giraldo?" " Give it up for Greg giraldo." " Give it up for Greg giraldo!" " The concept of me being interviewed about Greg giraldo, the great comedian who is dead, would be so hysterical to us." " The west nile virus." "You know how they knew it was coming back to the New York area?" "They found two birds in whitestone, queens that were infected with the virus." "Who finds these birds?" "I grew up in queens." "We used to find dead birds all the time." "We didn't take them in for autopsies, you know?" "We picked 'em up and we threw them at the gay kid." "That's what we did." " The thing about, you know, giraldo, that he wasn't a dick." " Greg giraldo." " Oh, hi." "Yeah, this is where they all stop shooting." " When you walked into a room and you saw Greg..." " Is everyone allowed to come?" " You know you'd be greeted with warmth." " It's funny, I'm Italian." "He's from queens." "But we always used to do this fake Italian greeting." "He'd go, "hey"" "Some word that wasn't even Italian." "We'd just, like, hug each other." "But, uh, he was always upbeat, you know?" " They don't get that comics are dark, tortured souls, that we don't need to dance around for attention." " Are you dark and tortured?" " He is." "Kid's twisted." " They do say that comedians are." " He's like gitmo in his head." " Greg's comedy was just real, you know what I mean?" "There was no character." "There was no persona." "Everything he did, like even in his roasts-- you know, his roasts were so epic." "He just blew everybody out of the water." "You're a vegetarian, but you have no trouble swallowing a moose." "You liver is so shriveled, black, and dead, if you put your ear to your side you can hear it go, "what you talking 'bout, Willis?"" "What a night." "A couple of trolls, a fairy, and a giant all going after a sunken-eyed little monster whose obsessed with jewelry." "It's like the lord of the rings." " He kind of let the audience know, this is the bar." "This is how hard-core this night is gonna be." "So either stay tuned or turn off your TV now, you know?" " Nichelle Nichols, farrah fawcett, and Betty white." "I'll take women I would masturbate to 30 years ago for $1,000, Alex." " He was one of those guys that just went bam, bam, bam, bam, and just tears." "Who would you?" "You have the sex appeal of a school bus fire." "You look like Nick nolte ed a clydesdale." "Jon lovitz, you ing gay weeble." "Come on, jon, there hasn't been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank." " I think you can get to know his personality at the roasts, but the real Greg, you know, fans would get to know him if they went to see him live." " A lot of my friends, you know, have a lot of money, and they were calling me up, you know," ""hey, did you lose a lot of money in the stock market?" "Did you get creamed?" But I've had a lot of personal problems in the last few years, so I don't have any money at all." "So they're calling me up." "I'm like, "no." ""Actually I have exactly the same amount of money now as I did when all this started."" "Turns out investing all my money in Tequila and strippers wasn't such a bad policy after all, you know?" " He was such a life-force." "He was so animated, so intelligent, so present." "It's the way he attacked a crowd." " Now they have these DVD screens, and people are playing porn driving around in these suvs with porn playing on their DVD." "What the hell kinda--what if you get in an accident?" "The whole car is totaled, but the porn is still blaring away on the sidewalk." " Giraldo belonged to the class of us that were workers, that sat and wrote and tried, and he was always prepared." "He was like a ing miner." "You know, he was just-- excavate." "He would hit the joke and then hit it again and then hit it again and then hit it again, and he'd find more and more and more." " I'm pissing in the sink because my crazy wife has locked herself in our one bathroom, and she won't come out till I admit that I have a drinking problem." "Well, it's gonna be a long wait, buttercup, so hang in there." "I'll always do stand-up." "My entire life is just trying to fuel this stand-up monster, you know, come up with ideas and come up with things to talk about." "I can't imagine not doing it." "But I also think that once you stop, then you really stop for good." "This in-and-out thing, is just, it's too painful to regroup and restart, and you gotta be in it all the way." " The story of giraldo for me was he was just a great guy." "You know, I'd like to say, oh, he was the guy of appetites." "Boy, you saw this coming." "It wasn't that way." "He was all of us." " Greg's the oldest of three of us." "Myself, I was the second child, and my sister Elizabeth was the baby of the family." "My dad was from Colombia, my mother from Spain." "Raised in queens, New York." "Typical middle class." "There wasn't anything that would jump out at you as being anything, you know, that led him into some crazy world of comedy." " You are you?" " Greg giraldo." " Okay, how long you been doing comedy?" " 35 years." "No, it'll be two years in march." " We both, I started at the comedy cellar in the same way." "And we were just in the sort of, as comics come in sort of classes in little five-year clusters like locusts." " Greg and I go back to my first day in comedy." "I walk in and the first person I saw is skinny, young Greg in the corner of the club just sweating like a nervous wreck." "He was like a wet squirrel." "I mean, from that time that we did that first show you just knew there was no way about it we were comedians." " I actually heard somebody the other day, he said, "these illegal aliens come over" ""and take American jobs." "They're taking away jobs from Americans."" "Really?" "When's the last time you lost a job to an illegal alien." "You want to deliver you own Chinese food?" "Is that a job you're having trouble getting?" "Do you want to ride your shitty little bike down Broadway in the rain?" "I used to hang out at the open mics at, like, New York comedy clubs and Gladys's just for fun, you know?" " For fun?" " Yeah, just I would hang out there." "It was a good time, a lot of my buddies would hang out." "And I just thought, you know," "I could never be as good as everybody there, but, uh..." " I remember seeing him one time in a suit and tie, and I said, "you look like a lawyer."" "And he was a lawyer." "So, you know, tip of the hat to me, huh?" " We were just miserable as lawyers and trying to figure out how to get out." "I remember him saying, "I gotta do something I like."" " During that time period, stand-up comedy was a career that did not have a lot of openings." "So I used to joke around that it was like pursuing a career in phonograph repairman." "Ing Harvard lawyer." "It was just like a joke." "It's like saying, "oh, there's that comedian." "He's also a brain surgeon."" " You were a lawyer?" " I went to Harvard preschool." " Well, here's a Harvard lawyer who decided to do what we do." "All of a sudden we're all a little bit more fancy." " I got arrested and spent a night in jail in Virginia for drinking a beer on the sidewalk." "In New York I coulda been drinking that beer out of the hollowed-out skull of something I'd just decapitated." "I coulda been standing on the hood of a cop car mocking the officers with it." ""Cheers, big ears!"" "I coulda been doing funnels out of this head's nostrils, and there would have been no problems at all, unless I was illegally parked." "You know, that" " I got busted for inciting a riot at this college gig." "I had no money for a lawyer." "I was an opening act." "You know, I didn't want a record." "He said, "yeah, I'll help you get outta that." "That's no problem."" "We each had our one good suit and tie on, and Greg, like, worked circles around some local judge." "And he got my inciting a riot case dismissed." "And we were buddies ever since then." " It was a ridiculous thought that I could possibly ever work in a regular job." "I just thought, you know, I'd taken the lsats and all that." "It went well, and going to law school was fun enough I guess." "But then trying to be a real working lawyer was not an issue, not an option." "I'm sitting here about to perform in front of a giant audience with my pants electrical taped together." "So imagine the kind of lawyer I would be." "I was on the subway the other day." "I saw these homeless guys singing a capella." "They were homeless and they were singing a capella for money." "How'd those guys even meet?" "How do you bump into other a capella enthusiasts when you're out there on the homeless trail?" "You think they're just sitting around the shelter one day." ""I need some crack."" "♪ Me too, me three oh!" " I can't ever remember, like, looking back remembering Greg when he was new." "Even though he was new when I saw him, he was just always an awesome comic." " When you start out, you do a lot of dick and midget and jokes." "He was writing topical stuff." "He had, like, you know, dirty, filthy stuff but really smart stuff." "I fought that." "I'm still doing the dick and and midget stuff, okay?" " Hilary Clinton is probably gonna get indicted on whitewater charges." "And because Clinton's still president, he gets to decide whether to pardon her or not." "He gets to decide whether to pardon his own wife." "What an amazing relationship bargaining chip that is." "You know, if you get to decide whether your wife goes to prison or not, who picks the movies then, you know what I mean?" " The way you can really judge comedians, 'cause you're not gonna sit there and watch everybody's stupid act your whole life, is going to the bathroom just to pee." "Every time you walk by the bathroom, you hear whoever's on stage." "And every time I walked by hearing him, you're like, wow, that was a great bit." "Yeah, that's a great bit, you know what I mean?" "Then you stay for an extra minute or two." " We had both been doing it for three, four years, and all of a sudden we were on sitcoms." " I started in '92, and then in '95" "I did the Montreal comedy festival." "There was an agent from L.A." "That kind of discovered me, or whatever." "And it was kinda the days when you could still do that, you know?" "If somebody saw you and you were castable and had a story, you know, then you could just go to Los Angeles and, you know, tell your stupid story, and some executive would give you money" "and develop a shitty show that would get cancelled in three episodes." " 8:30!" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God, what happened?" " Man, I don't know." "We had a couple of bottles of champagne, a few hours of sexual gymnastics." "If I had to put a name on it," "I'd say we got caught up in pope fever." "I was ing awful in it." "I couldn't act." "I stood there like, what am I doing here?" "And I'd only done comedy for about 2 1/2 years when the show got on the air, so I was ridiculous." "I was everything that was wrong with the nature of entertainment at the time." " And I think his lasted, like, three weeks, and mine lasted, like, six." "And then, you know, then the next time I saw him, you know, we were working, like, in a Chinese restaurant, going, "yeah, yeah, this feels about right."" " There's a fun competition at a roast where you wanna have that-- that best joke, you know." "And it's--it's good because it keeps the bar high." " Greg would go on first, which obviously all the comics are very jealous of because he gets to just, you know." "He'd say, "well, I have to break the ice."" "You know, "I have to break-- I gotta do my own warm-up." "I gotta break the ice."" "He would crush the ice." " What a teeny little pimp." "Man, being a pimp ain't easy, especially when you gotta stand on phone books to smack a bitch." "Kathy, you look like Ronald McDonald" "Ed Lucille ball's corpse then pushed it down a flight of stairs." "Lisa actually has a lot in common with that octomom." "She's never given birth, but she has had 80 fingers inside her at the same time." " Even, like, the cable guy roast is arguably one of the funniest ten minutes" "I think I've ever seen anywhere ever." "And I mean, like, out of anything." "It's just a ing tornado." "You're like the trojan army." "You're big, patriotic, and you both inside a giant horse." "You gravy-sweating cousin er." "Larry ed his first cousin when he was 16." "And his last one about an hour ago." " He would roast everything about the person." "You know, and eventually, like, his real feelings could come through, you could see, you know?" "He stopped making jokes at a certain point and he said..." "How the are you so popular?" "Jesus ing Christ." "This one finally broke my back." " I think he really wanted Larry the cable guy to answer him in some way." "Bob saget, everybody." "Huh, Bob saget." " Greg's the first person out of the gate, which is-- any good cockfight, you send out your best rooster." "And I'm just sitting there." "And when I say cockfight..." " Who gives a shit about Bob saget?" "Bob, you are a genital wart on the of American culture." " And I'm looking like I'm happy." "But my posture's bad, and I was not, like, overjoyed." "And I was getting mind raped." "And everything he said was right." " You are a vortex of artistic compromise." "Charlie sheen watches you and feels good about himself." " The stage manager yells," ""Joel wants you to sit up and look like you're enjoying this."" " No, just you looked a little uncomfortable." " And I'm like, what?" "See, that's what I have to contribute." "It's not much." "You should cut to Sarah silverman right now." "It'll be funny." " You know, a roast is something where you can be brutal because it's with love." "And it never occurs to me that anyone might have actually ill feelings towards me, which is I'm sure not true but a great way to live." " Courtney, what the hell happened to you?" "Your career dried up faster than Sarah silverman's" "Around guys who can't help her in the business." " We were in the car together, and he was talking about doing the flavor flav roast." "And we just started kinda riffing on it." "And I think that's when it kind of occurred to him that, like, oh, hey, I think we could be good at that together, and the first joke we kinda wrote was..." "Ice-t, you ing fossil." "You're so old the first thing you bought with your record deal money was your freedom." " And when ice-t threw his head back and applauded about that particular joke," "I think everybody kinda knew, like, oh, this is okay." " I've never roasted an oily cadaver before." "You're like a turd with teeth." "Look at yourself." "I don't try so much to be funny, as I just try to make people uncomfortable and ideally raise a lot of ugly truths." "And try not to shit myself." "If I can get two outta three," "I feel pretty good about that." " We're a team." "We're a comedy duo." "We're a duo." " Did you have fun?" "Oh, we're talking?" "I'm posing for a ing" "I'm posing for a still shot like a douche bag." "What am I, a ing 90-year-old man?" "Hey!" "Hey, all right." " The first time I was on the roast," "I kind of, you know-- to me, my audience was Greg." "Like, if I can make him laugh, that's all that matters." " I think those roasts really did help focus him, like, on, like, on what he was good at, which is just, like, cutting, really, really funny dirty-yet-clever jokes." " This woman the other day, she had glitter on her chest." "Glitter, and she catches me glancing over." "And she's like..." "You have shiny shit on your tits." "Were you hoping to divert attention?" "That's not a great strategy." "You know, why don't you hire a marching band to walk around you with neon titty signs." ""What are you looking at?" "What are you look" "I'm up here." "Look me in the eyes."" " The insomniac tour thing was good 'cause I got to pick some of the comics who were on it." "And one of them was Greg." " This guy looks funny though." " This guy is good." " He actually looks funny." " Thanks." " I thought he was an undercover cop in a '70s TV show, but he's not." "And Greg really did me a solid." " After dinner, we go to the make-your-own sundae bar, and we make sundaes for each other." " Okay." " Dane is sober, but the rest of us, like, we were hard-core drunk." "So, like, we definitely coulda, like, tore through that town." " I was in a restaurant recently." "The waitress says, "hey, gang, did you leave" ""any room for dessert?" "Did you leave any room for dessert?"" "Did you leave any room for dessert?" "How gluttonous a concept is that?" "Is there any room left in your fat ing body cavity for more?" "Did you leave any space?" "Is there any physical way we could cram more shit in your fat, bloated face, you fat?" "Any chance at all?" "Any space in your distended esophagus?" "We got dudes with plungers that'll come out and cram it right in your head." "Any chance at all?" "Won't that be neat, gang?" "Won't that be a great way to celebrate your happy, Happy Birthday." "Happy, Happy Birthday." " When we did the Vegas special, it was a lot of temptation." "But, you know, we were there to do a job, and I think we did it." " You rocked, and I'm not just saying that." " Hey, suck-up, I'm over here." "It was my show." " No, you didn't do as well as I expected." "You, on the other hand, kind of blew." " At one point during his set, the fire alarm in the casino went off." "These little ing 12-year-old girls walking around with juicy" "Holy shit." "Wait, are we supposed to be concerned, anybody, or-- all the ing producers, the people in the sound truck have driven off." "It's just us burning to death." " That's kind of fun to, like, deal with for, like, a minute." "But if kept going off throughout his set, like over and over and over." "So it was amazing how he handled it." " How bad would that blow?" "I quit drinking, I'm in Vegas without drinking, and then I die in a ing fiery crash that day?" " As a guy who did drink heavily," "I mean, I totally got it, and I knew what he was going through." "And few people know that, like, he really did, um, try to get sober." "I mean, he really did." "But I think in his head that, like, he was just too smart for it all, you know?" "He really just was too smart for it." " Say cheese!" " Oh, you got it." "Nice!" " He was-- I hate to use the word given the circumstances of what happened-- but he was reliable." "You know, watch him on tough crowd, man." "Nobody came with more prepared stuff than he did." " If you could choose to be gay, why wouldn't we all do it?" "We would you put up with the hassles of trying to get a woman to have sex with you if you could just walk into the steam room at the "y"?" " You knew you could rely on him." "There would never be nothing there, you know?" " Or maybe there's a nonviolent way to solve the whole north Korea thing." " Good thinking." " There might be." "They're asking for--what?" " There's a nonviolent way to solve a problem with a country that we hate that hates us that's got weapons pointed at us?" "I don't think so." " No, you're right." "Like, Russia, for example, that big Russian war." "There are things that-- there are things that-  with guys like Greg, if you showed up not prepared, you'd get your head handed to you." " This guy writes so many jokes before the show it's not even funny." "It's unbelievable." "He's got a pocketful of them." " That's kinda what we do here, Dennis." "I'm a comedy writer." " It was Dennis leary and Lenny Clarke." " I'm not coming back!" " He was literally attacking the king with the king's general to his left." " I thought the whole idea was just go out there and sort of, you know, spur-of-the-moment." "And he was like, "yeah, you know, but, you know, you wanna make sure that you're funny."" "And I was like, "I'm not writing" "I didn't come here to do homework."" "You're the guy in school that did all the homework and then asked if there was any more that needed to be done." " Yeah, yeah." "That's a good point." "And if you had tried a little comedy writing, maybe your show would still be on the air." " Oh!" " I'm just saying." " It was like that great moment when two guys are about to fight where they just both look at each other and neither one's like-- their eyes are just getting opener and wider, like, you know." "I thought they were just gonna start fighting in the middle of the show." " Meanwhile the host, Colin Quinn," "I mean, all he did was actually put his leg up on the table that was in between me and Greg." "That was like-- what was that?" "Like that was gonna keep us separated if we decided to go at each other?" "Ooh, Colin's knee is in the way." " This is a microcosm of why war will never end right here." "'Cause we can't even get along." "No, no, no,." "We're at war." "You and me, we're done." "It was a great moment where I really, uh, looked like a douche bag." "And I felt bad." "In Greg's defense, he actually-- he was very prepared for almost anything that coulda happened." " I think my on-stage persona is punkish." " People give him shit for not having this huge career, but comics were always like," ""oh, you know, comedy central gives him everything."" " Here's your host, Greg giraldo!" " Root of all evil." "He was, like, automatically on the list just to see if he really was a Harvard lawyer." "If strip clubs are so bad, why are they called gentlemen's clubs?" " That's just another lie, your honor." "Gentlemen's clubs." "There's no gentlemen in there." "You never hear things like, "oh, I say, old man," ""have you seen the nipples on the enchantress in the rubber thong?"" " He was always on the side that was gonna probably lose." "Which is part of the reason we put him there, because he's the one that would present the best and the funniest argument." " It's amazing that we live in a time where I use the same machine to masturbate that I use to teach my kids to spell." " He was a guy we could count on when we needed a great set from somebody." "He was the guy we always thought of for particular shows and pilots." "Like, we want to find a way to get him on there and give him a shot." "We sorta considered him a part of the family." " It's a comedy show about sex." "It'll be great." "It's a topic everyone can relate to." "And it won't be gratuitous or low-brow humor." "I'm not talking about a bunch of cheap sex jokes." "I'm talking about a smart look at the state of sexuality in contemporary American society." "Ah,." "So what do you think?" " Whatever." " People always talked about that Greg had a ton of pilots that didn't work." "And, I mean, I think that's true of a lot of really talented people." " As they say, the cream rises to the top." "And just because the things that he did didn't necessarily take off in the manner that I think they could have or should have, it's not like he goes back to the back of the line as a talented performer." " Comedians respect him." "Audiences respect him." "The work is all there." "It's digital." "It's on the Internet." "There are people on other planets watching him right now, higher life-forms, deciding whether or not to invade based on Greg's comedy." "And that endures, you know?" "Every once in a while there's a celebrity checks into the hospital because she's exhausted." "You always hear they went in the hospital because they were exhausted." "How exhausted do you have to be to go to the hospital?" "I mean, I've been pretty damn tired." "I just take a little nappy-poo." "And I wake up, and I'm like," ""wow, cancel the ambulance, honey." "All better."" " You know, everybody has, like, a hook." "You think, like, people might have a hook in what makes them memorable." "Like, with Greg, it was always that he was smarter." " These reality shows, they're getting so extreme." "And they're all such copies of everything else." "How 'bout the contender?" "Everybody, ooh, it's the contender." "That's a great show." "These shows are ing soulless." "And by the way, we already had a show where we went around looking for the best boxer." "It was called boxing." "I don't know if you remember that show." "It was a really good show, boxing." " Yeah, there's too many comedians out there that are just smart." "Well, go be a scientist." "Smart and funny often means not that funny." "And in Greg's case, he was really ing funny." "And he happened to be really smart." " That whole thing of, like, whether somebody's smart or not smart, you know, I'm not trying to be a Professor here." "I'm trying to make people laugh." "So that and also the fact that I have mommy issues" "I think is what drives me." " He had all of the qualities that a stand-up comedian would want to have." "Intelligent, good-looking, integrity." "He could have worked off of his ethnicity." "Never did." "He never did." " How dare you not take the shortcut and talk about your people for an hour every single night of your life?" " Most people find out that I'm hispanic, they react the same way." "Like, "wow, man, you don't seem hispanic."" "They say it like it's an enormous compliment." ""You don't seem hispanic." "Seriously, you look good." "Nice work."" " When a comic deals with a heckler, that's when you really see, like, what they're made of." " Let's talk about Keith Richards then." "It's not really what I had planned, but why don't you talk about it?" "What exactly is the story?" " He snorted dad." " Not so easy is it?" "Now imagine trying to do that with some ing drunk screaming in your face." " When it would get bad, I would love to watch him because he wouldn't let them off the hook." " Is that person sleeping?" "There's a dude sleeping dead center." "That is great." " There was this guy in the audience who was asleep during the special." "Like, he was, like, passed out, like in the third row." "And Greg just started tearing into him." "This was at the taping for his hour special." " Doesn't strike you as a weird choice to fall asleep in the third row of my big TV taping?" "I mean, I'm all for sleeping." "I'm sure I'd be sleeping watching you grow weed, or whatever you do for a living, but I--I'm just trying to wonder why you would opt for that." "You know what I mean?" " What's beautiful about Greg is unrelenting belligerence to someone that deserves it." ""Why you sleepin'?"" ""Me don't know." "Me got up early."" " When you see a rerun of one of Greg's specials or one of his appearances on the roast, you forget he's gone." "You watch it, and you feel like he's still around." " Flavor flav!" " The flavor flav roast was very special because it was a year where there was a lot of racial humor handled poorly." " I'm not gonna say anything about flav that, uh, that hasn't already been said by, uh, Michael Richards." " But the truth is, racial humor like that, when handled by professionals in the right environment, like the flavor flav roast can be epic." "It can actually bring people together." "I remember flavor flav in that big throne with that clock and the smile, and he was like a little boy and it was his birthday." "You could not hurt this guy's feelings." "He laughed so much, you would have thought he didn't even understand English." "You are one black motherer." "You're like a skeleton wrapped in electrical tape." "You look like idi amin after a three-year crack binge on the sun." " He was funny, and..." "Nobody questions funny." "You're not gonna get a network call." "When things are working, everyone shuts up." "Please welcome the very funny Greg giraldo." " People always wanna compare their dogs to your kid." "You don't know what it's like to have a kid 'cause you have a dog." "First of all, nobody has a dog 'cause they were too drunk to pull out." "All right?" "That's the first thing." " We had worked with Greg through the late night show, and he was just the stand out." "I thought, "let's try and think of something for Greg."" " I'm Colombian." " Get a load of the puerto rican trying to pass himself off as Colombian." " What's the difference?" " A Colombian's a puerto rican with a job." " I love it-- the black guy talking about jobs." " Greg wanted to play a stand-up comedian." "Which, of course, we were all, you know, trepidatious about because Seinfeld had so famously played a stand-up comedian." "And comedy about comedy is next to impossible." " We finished the pilot and, you know, we were all so fired up." "You know, it ultimately didn't go, and I could tell that that was another dagger for giraldo 'cause it was another show and another opportunity that should have happened, and it didn't, you know?" "Greg was one of those guys that even when the doors close and even when they said no and even when he got another rejection, he just kept going." " Last comic standing!" " Greg judging last comic standing," "I think was great for the show because of his universal respect." " Uncle Mikey did heroin, which feels like you're naked in a pool full of puppies..." " He was, I would say, the Simon of the group." " Mike, you're always funny." "Your jokes are always funny." "You're likable violent people." " You know, he would..." "Tell it like it is." " From last comic standing, wild card Greg giraldo." " All season long I was like, "we gotta get Greg." "We gotta get Greg," and it wasn't until the final show of the first season that we finally got him on." "And he sits there with Gwyneth paltrow and Jerry Seinfeld and just blows it open." "He was poised, he was funny." "He stole the show." " You know, he's so happy." "His wife helps." "You're so happy." "Gwyneth--oh, look at us!" "A rock star!" "We're all happy!" "All we do is just look into each other's eyes as we burn piles of money!" " He liked the rock and roll aspects to comedy." "He would talk about comedy like..." "Like he was the rolling stones." "And I was like, "I think we're like Bob Denver."" "So when stories would come back and he was starting to get mixed up or whatever was happening," "I would always worry about him for sure." "And then--boom." "Then it hits you." "I don't know." "You know..." "There's not..." "There's not much you can really say in those moments." " This homeless guy asked me for money, and I was about to give it to him, and then I thought, "he's just gonna use it on drugs or alcohol."" "And then I thought, "that's what I'm gonna use it on."" " He was struggling with both, uh, you know, addiction and-- and marriage, and, uh, gave him plenty of material." " Being married to a guy would be great." "It would be great." "Could you imagine saying something and having the words you said interpreted exactly the way that you intended your words to be interpreted?" ""Remember what you said ten years ago" ""when you were driving the car on the way to my mother's house?"" ""No." "Oh, me neither!" "I'm a dude." "Shit, never mind." "It..."" " Greg had some anger, particularly in the past couple years." "Was saying stuff on stage where I was like," ""wow, I can't believe..." "He's saying that."" " "I hate you gotta go on the road to get drunk all the time."" ""Well, I hate going on the road too, my love," ""but I'm just trying to earn a goddamn living." ""And if getting drunk is the only way" ""I can anesthetize myself enough" ""to entertain a bunch of freaks I have nothing in common with," ""I would have thought you," ""as the woman who supposedly loved me for who I am, would show me one ing shred of compassion."" ""I wouldn't have married you if I knew you were gonna" ""go on the road and get drunk and work in night clubs." "I wouldn't have married someone like that."" ""Yes, you would have, 'cause that's how we met in the first place, remember?"" " I mean, you could tell he was being personal with every bit." "That's what made him great too, is like..." "He'd be talking about Tiger Woods, but he's telling people like this is about guys, my frustration." " 'Cause I was a loser nerdy little golfer geek for years, and now I have access to all these women, and it's very hard to just turn that button off." "I mean, I really want to have sex with them." "And it would mean nothing to me." "I love you and I love our family, but occasionally I wanna have sex with some women." "It would mean nothing!" "And I know you don't understand, 'cause men and women are different like that." "Like I don't understand a lot of things about you." "Like I don't understand how much you love shoes." "But if hundreds of free pairs of shoes showed up in your hotel room every night," "I guarantee you'd keep a pair every once in a while." "Thank you very much!" " There's no preparation you can go through to go from making a room of 300 people laugh and then going home." " Well, everybody who drinks eventually starts talking about drinking." "I mean, I bought a house off of it." " One time I was trying to get on a plane." "They wouldn't let me." "They said I was too drunk to get on a plane-- too drunk to get on the plane." "Do you know how wasted you have to be for someone to say, "sir, you're just too drunk to sit in a seat."" " Every time he went on a binge, he would feel terrible about it." "Greg was a kind, good person." "So when he screwed up, he felt bad about it for days, maybe weeks." "He hated hurting his children." "He hated hurting his wife." "He hated disappointing people." "But that addiction just had him so-- so badly that he couldn't let go of it." " I do a lot of immoral shit, believe me." "But I lie about it, and I cover it up..." "Because I'm a Christian and..." "I have the decency to create a false sense of well-being in my home." " The other craziest, insidious thing about being an addict is is that you trick everybody around you into thinking that this is how it is for now." "And then you'll give everybody a little window of, like, "see, look." "It gets better."" " He was--had these moments where he was clean for long spells, and he was super-healthy and he was eating great." " You know, you sort of thought, okay, he's gonna become a pathological vegetarian." "Just talking about how "okra really is a magical vegetable."" " So everybody kinda thinks he'll pull through this, you know, but..." "The body is fragile." "Like there's only so many times that you can cheat that." " If anything, if you were gonna get the call, you were gonna be like, giraldo just went nuts in a, you know, a juicer store." "And you gotta bail him out 'cause he stole some radishes." " The rules for being a gentleman used to be so specific and nice, you know?" " Somebody texted me saying." ""I just read on the Facebook that Greg giraldo overdosed."" " I found out from, uh, a text from tom papa." " I found out from..." "Well, it was all-- it was from the club owner where he was performing." " I found out, and I didn't believe it, because it was on Twitter." " Nick swardson texted me and he said," ""what's going on with Greg giraldo?"" "And I said, "what are you talking about?"" "And he said, "he's in a coma."" " And I just remember being mad, like, "come on, man, what are you doing?" "You're too smart for this stuff," and enough, you know?" "I didn't realize how serious it was." " When I went to go visit him, I knew..." "You know." "I knew it was happening." " I got it, like a text message..." "Just said, "Greg died."" "Like typical..." "Nowadays, you know, text message." " When a comic leaves, especially somebody like Greg, to me it's more than losing" "Just like a friend or somebody I knew." "It's like a part of you because you know..." "You know what they went through." "I mean, you just-- you know that world, you know?" "It's a very unique..." "It's a very unique existence." "And it's one that you share together." "Losing Greg was really..." "Really, really hard." " You know, I have nothing but heartbreaking, now, you know, loving, adoring respectful, um, feelings for him." "But I--there's also, there's like a part of me that just is like..." ""What the?"" " I really do miss his, uh, you know, just knowing that he's there and that I can call him." "You know, like I just saw something that I really wanna tell Greg." "He'll think this is hilarious." "And you know there's nobody there on the other end of the phone." " Any young comics coming up, that's where you should try to get to..." "To try to be that real on stage and have observations so acute and so original-- that's what you should strive to be." " India and Pakistan have nuclear weapons." "How did they get nuclear weapons?" "They're--they're-- those are dirt poor countries!" "Their armies don't even have matching uniforms, for Christ's sake." "They go to war, they gotta call each other up:" ""Wear something tough-looking."" " My life is so much harder now than it was when I was younger." "I wanna be now all the time, you know?" "But I can't, because now I'm an alcoholic, and I can't drink at all 'cause when I do," "I end up snorting crystal meth off a switchblade in some after-hours bar thinking," "I'm gonna be late for my flight in the morning." "Except it's like 2:00 in the afternoon, and the flight was six weeks ago." "You're like, "holy, how did that happen?"" " You can't try to, uh..." "Dwell on the dark side of Greg, because..." "It wasn't why we loved him." "We loved him because he was so generous with his laughter and his spirit and his mind and the fact that he shared his talent with us and the fact that he made us all look smarter because he was this cool Harvard lawyer" "who decided to be a comedian and then brought that to the roasts." "And it was just like a great mind and a great spirit and..." "I just try to think of him as..." "The star that he is." " Look at the things we all believe." "Every religion's got crazy stuff." "I'm catholic." "The virgin Mary." "We have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story." "You know..." " He really elevated comedy, and, uh, he made me proud to be a comedian." "You know?" "You look at Greg and, um..." "And he made comedy like a..." "Admirable profession." " I'm..." "Not sure I'm gonna see anybody as good as Greg in my go-round." "And that's depressing to me." "Like any comedian," "I've managed to make this about me." "This isn't about Greg." "This is about..." "How..." "I don't get to book Greg anymore." " I hope he ends up, uh..." "Known for more than being just really great on roasts, because that was really like just in his pinkie." " Right after he passed away it was always like insult-comic known for the roasts." "That just so minimizes what he did." " Anybody that knew his work, the insult-comic is the last thing that would come out of your mouth." " He wasn't mean." "He just wasn't a mean guy." "He was, uh..." "He just really had a good heart." "Really had a good heart." " I don't know if God cares or not." "I think there's some power that's driving the universe, but it laughs when we up." "It laughs when you walk into a glass wall or, you know, every time you're driving home, trying to get to the bathroom real fast and you're almost there, and you shit your pants just a little bit." "Somebody's watching that." "And laughing." " He was really going out there like he was fighting for his life." "There's part of you that's being sucked into a hole, and it's the fight to get out of it that, uh, is where the comedy comes from." "There are people that..." "They lose that fight." " I don't know where it all went off the rails." "I mean, I tried." "Drug addiction, alcoholism-- that probably didn't help." "But I think maybe if I had just-- you know what I probably should have done, really, looking back on it?" "I should have probably, uh, committed to show business." "Because it's not show fun." "It's show business." "♪" " ♪ hey, I'm bewildered and writing myself notes ♪" "♪ that say if you fake happiness ♪" "♪ then no one knows" "♪ convince yourself" "♪ and then you've got it made ♪" "♪ there'll be no black of night ♪" "♪ they'll just be turned out lights ♪" " I start walking toward the Mike, and some guy goes, "you suck!" "You suck!"" "So I just snapped, and I walked over," "I picked up a beer bottle, and I poured beer all over him." "And he goes, "I'll ing kill you--I'm a trained killer,"" "and he gets upall the bouncer guys grabbed him." "Then I get offstage, and he had come back and wrote a note." ""You've been one of my favorite comedians for years." ""I was actually hoping for you" ""to use your articulate ability to slam me." ""The beer thing was reminiscent" ""of the last bar fight I'd been in," ""and honestly, I don't think" ""you could handle me in that arena." "After your show, I'd be happy to buy you a beer."" "So he gives his name and his phone number."