"One, two, three, four... ♪ ♪ (Music plays) ♪ [Announcer] From New York City, comedy central presents:" "(Crowd cheering) (Applause)" "Thank you, thank you." "Give it up for clapping." "Seriously-- clapping-- wow." "I went to my stylist today before the show and, um, she was like, Zach-- what kind of look are you going for?" "I said, "just give me the "'high school drama coach'"." "(Laughter) Oh, you're out of that one?" "Just give me "the rapist."" "Oh, you're out of that one?" "Just give me the "old sea captain."" "Oh, you're out of that one?" "Just give me a "young Santa clause."" "You know what I like to do when I'm at a video store?" "You know, the quick drop they have there?" "I like to stick my penis in there." "(Laughter) And then look at the help and go-- have you seen this?" "Is this any good?" "Oh, it's due back Tuesday?" "(Laughter)" "When I go to events and concerts and stuff," "I think that a lot of people that yell out like," ""whoo" or "yeah" when they like something," "I like to be more specific when I yell things out." "I like the like-- when I'm at a concert, I like to yell out things like..." "The way you play your music makes me feel good inside!" "(Laughter)" "Or instead of yelling "encore!", yell things like" ""come back and play some songs you haven't played yet!"" "Please!" "Don't boo, people-- don't boo." "Be more specific." "(Laughter)" "Why are you doing that?" "I hate that!" "I hate it!" "Reality shows are big now-- survivor, temptation is-land, the mole." "Oh my God!" "I want to do a reality show, where it's 3 racist white people that live in the South Bronx." "(Laughter and applause)" "And it's called "cracker hunt"." "And there'd be scenes with the white guys going" "I didn't call you "boy"." "I want to do another reality show, based on the mole, but it's really about std's, sexually transmitted diseases." "And it's called "God, I hope that's a mole."" "(Laughter)" "Now I'd like to do a few characters, if I can." "This first character I've been working on is called the timid pimp." "And he's on the phone with one of his hookers, here we go-- the timid pimp..." ""Um, hi, Amber?" "Hi, hi, it's Marcus." "Yeah, I can hold."" "(Laughter)" "All right, this next character... (Cheers and applause)" "Okay." "This-- this next character I'm working on is called the apathetic redneck and he's on the phone with his brother who's getting ready to get the death penalty..." ""Yeah, man, that sucks about the death penalty." "Yeah, yeah, momma told me."" "Hey, what are you gonna do with your Camaro?"" "(Laughter)" "I just realized how stupid all these are." "(Applause and whistles) This next-- okay, this next character" "I've been working on for a while is called the gay snake... (Hissing with a lisp)" "(Cheers and applause)" "I really want to leave New York City very badly, but I just put $6,000 on my Metro card." "(Laughter)" "Growing up, my dad was like," ""Zach, it's not what you say, it's how you say it."" "And he's so right." "Take this sentence for instance..." "She had a crack baby." "Verses... she had a crack, baby!" "(Laughter)" "(Cheers and applause) ♪ (Music plays) ♪" "Today I was in my hotel and uh..." "I was wearing my "girls kick ass" t-shirt, and wearing my ankle weights." "It was like, what am I going to talk about?" "Talk about life, Zach." "Talk about your life, that's what people want to hear." "So here goes... (Laughter)" "My roommate is Asian and um..." "I play the piano a lot in the house, and every time she comes through the door I do this... (Plays a cliche "Asian" piano line)" "(Laughter and applause)" "She's like, "Zach, why do you do that each time I come through the door?"" "And I'm like," ""because I don't have a gong."" "(Laughter)" "Guys, have you ever woken up with an erection and then you realize you're just in a massage chair at brookstone?" "(Laughter and whistles)" "And then you yell out" "I'll take it!" "I've sinus problems and it's" "I'm Greek and I have sinus problems and I know why." "My body produces feta cheese." "(Laughter)" "It's not really a joke, it's a fact." "Allow me to open up." "♪ (Music continues playing) ♪" "Have you ever been so drunk that you wet the bed?" "I don't mean you're sleeping in it, you're just standing over pissing on it?" "(Laughter and applause)" "(Laughter and applause)" "I live in Los Angeles, and uh..." "I was there on the walk of fame and I had been drinking that night." "And I just got a henna tattoo that said "forever"." "And I was making out with a squatter in front of "Ripley's believe it or not"." "(Laughter)" "Like I said, I was drinking." "By the way, you know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name and you've never been to that bar before." "(Laughter and applause)" "So, I'm there on the walk of fame and I stumble across Tony danza's star, and I urinated on it." "(Laughter)" "Just yelling out-- who's the boss, now?" "!" "(Cheers and applause)" "(Woman laughing hysterically)" "Woman!" "Jesus Christ!" "I mean, I'm not really supposed to comment about the audience, but there's a fucking hyena in the... (Laughter and applause)" "Thank-- thank you, though, thank you." "Thank you." "Can you leave?" "(Applause)" "Why is it that women can say things like," ""my girlfriend and I are going to brunch"" "and no one assumes anything." "But as soon as I say something like," ""my boyfriend and I are going to go shop for Fanny packs", everyone thinks I'm a gay." "That's right-- a gay." "(Laughter)" "Three years ago my sister was diagnosed with multiple personalities." "And there's nothing funny about that." "But she phoned me the other day, and my caller ID exploded." "(Laughter)" "I like to go to really bad movies, like in their 6th week, and there's only one other person in the theater." "And I like to sit right next to them." "(Laughter)" "And they're like-- excuse me-- and I'm like-- shhh." "I can't hear Keanu." "(Cheers and applause)" "I used to temp here in New York." "I'll never forget, I called a temp agency once and they were like-- "well, do you have any phone skills?"" "I was like-- "I called you, didn't I?"" "(Laughter and applause)" "You know what I like to do when" "I'm making out with a woman?" "I like to whisper into her ear-- "will you touch my vagina?"" "(Laughter)" "And she's like, "what?"" "And I'm like (Whispers) "That's what you're supposed to say."" "(Laughter and applause) ♪ (Piano music plays) ♪" "♪ (piano music plays) ♪ I need to change my life," "I need to change my ways..." "I'll tell you that." "Last year my new year's resolution was to stop saying, "you go girl" to myself." "(Laughter)" "But, I have dreams, ladies and gentlemen, just like everyone in this room..." "Hopes, anticipations for the way I want my life..." "Let me share them with you..." "My dream of owning or having a 3-boy country trio called the "chixie dicks"." "(Cheers and applause)" "I also dream that the Spanish channel will have English subtitles." "So I can finally figure out what I've been laughing at this whole time." "(Laughter)" "I also wish to move far, far away." "Somewhere in..." "Montana." "And open a giant, ethnic hair-care superstore." "(Laughter)" "And lastly, another dream of mine is to move to Pakistan or India..." "And become a cab driver." "(Cheers and applause)" "It's really hard for me to perform tonight and I'll tell you why." "4 years ago to this very date," "I decided to, uh, take my own life." "And I said, Zach, do it for your co-workers and your manager at work, end the misery." "I don't know how many of you have tried to jump off a pizza hut... (Laughter)" "But you really just get a sprained ankle out of the deal." "And then you have to go back inside and serve "crazy bread"." "(Cheers and applause) ♪ (Music plays) ♪" "(applause) Um, I uh, I uh, I uh, have a lot of, um..." "Oh, lady problems." "And, um, this is going to sound weird, but all of my ex-girlfriends have formed a 12-piece accapella group." "(Laughter and applause) And uh-- and, uh, this is a little number about my trouble with women..." "[Singing accapella]" "♪ Close your eyes, ♪ ♪ give me your hand, darling ♪" "♪ Do you feel my heart beating ♪ ♪ do you understand?" "♪" "♪ Do you feel the same?" "♪ ♪ am I only dreaming?" "♪" "♪ Or is this burning, ♪ ♪ an eternal flame?" "♪" "♪ I believe, ♪ ♪ it was meant to be, darling ♪" "♪ I watch you ♪ ♪ when you are sleeping ♪" "♪ You belong with me ♪ ♪ do you feel the same?" "♪" "♪ Am I only dreaming?" "♪ ♪ or is this burning, ♪" "♪ An eternal flame?" "♪ ♪ say my name, ♪" "♪ Sun shines through the rain, ♪" "♪ Oh, life's so lonely... ♪" "♪ Then you come ♪ ♪ and ease the pain?" "♪" "♪ I don't want to lose ♪ ♪ this feeling ♪" "♪ Oh... ♪" "♪ Say my name ♪" "♪ Sun shines through the rain ♪" "♪ Oh, life's so lonely... ♪" "♪ Then you ♪ ♪ come and ease the pain ♪" "♪ I don't want ♪ ♪ to lose this feeling ♪" "♪ Ooohhh!" "♪ ♪ close your eyes, ♪" "♪ Give me your hand, ♪ ♪ do you feel ♪" "♪ My heart beating?" "♪ ♪ do you understand?" "♪" "♪ Do you feel the same?" "♪ ♪ am I only dreaming?" "♪" "♪ Or is this burning, ♪ ♪ an eternal flame?" "♪" "♪" "♪ Am I only dreaming?" "♪ ♪ or is this burning, ♪" "♪ An eternal flame?" "♪ (Cheers and applause)" "♪ Do you understand?" "♪ ♪ am I only dreaming?" "♪" "♪ Or is this burning, ♪ ♪ an eternal flame?" "♪" "(cheers and applause) ♪ do you understand?" "♪" "♪ Am I only dreaming?" "♪ ♪ or is this burning, ♪" "♪ An eternal flame?" "♪ (Whistles and cheers)" "♪ An eternal flame?" "♪ (Whistles and cheers)" "♪ An eternal flame?" "♪ (Whistles and cheers)" "Thank you very much-- the night owls, everybody!" "Captioning made possible by comedy central." "Captioned by realtime captioning van nuys, California."