"The local Bargain Bag was known for its bad customer service, but we couldn't really blame them for that." "As a matter of fact, they could blame us, and that's why we were here, to make up for #24 on my list:" ""Stole a red Take-a-Number machine."" "I want to thank you for including us in this list item, Earl." "I appreciate any opportunity to repent for my sinful days." "Oh, I want Jesus to see this." "Is that who that is?" "Uh-huh." "I saw him peeking out." "I thought that was Willie Nelson." "Next!" "Good-bye, little fellow." "We never even gave you a name." "Earl!" "You can't give back that ticket thingy." "Randy, we talked about this." "I have to;" "it's on my list." "You can't." "Randy." "It's not your turn." "Oh, snap." "I understood why Randy didn't want to part with that ticket machine." "It meant a lot to him." "It meant a lot to all of us." "It was Christmas, 1999, and I had met and married Joy only three weeks earlier." "Since it was our first holiday together," "I wanted to include her in our gang's Yuletide traditions." "MAN:" "* They call me back door Santa *" "* I make my runs about the break of day *" "Hey, everyone, it's carolers!" "* They call me back door Santa... *" "* Deck the halls with boughs of holly *" "* Fa-la-la-la, la-la-la-la *" "While Donnie, Randy and Joy spread good tidings," "I snuck in and robbed the place." "* Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la *" "* Deck the halls with boughs of holly *" "MAN:" "* They call me back door Santa *" "* I make my runs about the break of day *" "Are you Santa?" "* I make all the little girls happy * Ho, ho, ho." "Why are you taking all our presents?" "* Look'ee here *" "Well, I think if you thought hard enough, you'd know the answer to that." "Now, off to bed, or there won't be a Christmas next year, either." "* Ho, ho, ho, ho *" "* I ain't like old Saint Nick *" "Don't worry, she's on my list." "* But look'ee here *" "* I come running with my presents... *" "If this is another damn thesaurus," "I'm going to track down those dumb, stupid... dumb people and teach them how to buy a proper gift." "Cool, it's one of them checkers sets, but for smart people and gays." "Here you go." "Who are you?" "Darnell." "I'm new." "Just a few weeks earlier," "Darnell's life took a dramatic turn, and he had to relocate to Camden County." "As soon as you get out of this van, you become Darnell Turner." "All the documents you need-- birth certificate, driver's license, et cetera, are in this envelope." "Cool." "Now, remember, you can never be Harry Monroe again." "You're a totally new person." "Do I still like cheese?" "Not if you want to stay alive, you don't." "The more we hung out with Darnell, the more we learned how smart he was." "Why is it called Y2K?" "It means 2000 in computer, and in a few days, when it turns 2000, all the computers are going to think it's really year zero." "What the hell does that mean?" "All the computers will go berserk, and things like electricity, water, gas will be out." "The banks will be out of money, stores will be out of food." "All the high scores on video games will be reset." "Even Centipede?" "Mm-hmm." "That's messed up, y'all." "What's the hell is gonna happen to us?" "Well, we'll either be killed at the hands of hungry citizens or die of starvation." "Do we get to choose?" "Wait, w-what are we going to do?" "We should do something, right?" "I mean, we got to do something." "Well, the best thing to do is just hole up somewhere and wait to see what happens." "We can use my sister's basement." "She's off with another trucker." "Now, does she go off with a lot of truckers?" "My sister falls in love easy, if that's what you're asking." "As we all tried to figure out how the hell we were gonna survive Y2K, we weren't the only people preparing for an uncertain future." "As it turns out, our good friend Catalina was a world away, prepared to make her journey to America." "Toma." "In the days leading up to Y2K, we decided to stock up on survival supplies... and we weren't the only ones." "Randy, I told you, no robot dogs." "We can only afford the things we need to survive." "But I already filled out the adoption papers." "I named him Biscuit." "Put it back, Randy." "Hey, Earl." "Hey." "Crab Man." "JOY:" "Wow." "You really like cheese." "I'm going to have to see a receipt and pat you down." "Does that mean I'm gonna have to take my boots off?" "Probably." "What the hell's going on?" "EARL:" "Sorry, honey." "Now that we're married, you're gonna to have to get used to this kind of thing." "For some reason, people tend to think me and Randy are criminals." "I understand, baby." "Everywhere I go, I get dirty looks, too." "So do I. Me, too, and it sucks, because we're good people." "Mm-hmm." "You know, it's crazy they're so worried about us stealing stuff." "The whole store's going to get looted during Y2K." "Wait a minute-- there's gonna be looting?" "Mm-hmm." "Then why the hell did we just buy all this stuff?" "I'm gonna return mine and steal it tomorrow." "Can I loot, too, Earl?" "There's just so much I want to take." "And, plus, I'm still a little bit upset about that Larry King verdict." "You know what I'm gonna loot first?" "I'm gonna loot me a Humvee." "Then I'm gonna take all the other stuff I loot and put it in my Humvee." "And if somebody tries to stop me," "I'm gonna drive over them in my Humvee." "And I also want a new pair of sandals." "Hey, Darnell, if all the computers break, does that mean we won't have criminal records anymore?" "Yup." "It'll be cool." "Your whole slate's gonna be wiped clean." "I'd like a clean slate." "Mine's filthy." "Mine, too." "Oh, my God." "We're missing it!" "Ten..." "ALL:" "Nine, eight..." "You know, this Y2K thing could be good for us." "The whole deck's gonna be reshuffled." "seven, six, five..." "Yeah, and maybe we won't be on the bottom anymore." "four, three, two," "ALL:" "one." "It's happening." "EARL:" "What we didn't know then was that Donnie Jones's sister liked to screw two things-- truckers and the electric company." "Come on, guys, let's do this." "The year zero is gonna be ours." "That's probably the power plant." "Sounds like machine-gun fire." "EARL:" "What we didn't know was that every year," "Camden County had a New Year's fireworks show." "We'd never seen it because we were usually passed out by 9:00." "Y'all, that sounds like grenades." "Grenades?" "The other looters have grenades?" "I-I only have this bat." "I could hit a grenade with the bat, but-but only if you put it on a tee." "Maybe we should loot in the morning." "Once the sun came up and the other looters ran out of grenades, we were excited to finally get our chance to steal everything we ever dreamed of." "Where is everybody?" "We've gone ten blocks and haven't seen a soul." "Maybe they're hiding." "Marco!" "Marco!" "We're not in a damn pool, you idiot." "Olly-olly-oxen-free!" "I'm getting a little buggy here." "Maybe Randy was right." "Maybe the computers did rise up and kill everybody." "I think you're right." "Where are the bodies?" "( quietly ):" "The computers are using them for fuel." "Hey, wait!" "Hurry up!" "EARL:" "Realizing we might be the only people left on Earth in the year zero freaked us out." "What we didn't know was that there was a reason why the streets were so empty." "We were always so drunk from the night before, we were never awake to know there was a parade on New Year's Day." "Well, I guess that's it." "I guess the world's over." "I am so angry at computers right now." "Well, if the world's over, guess we're gonna have to start a new one." "Any ideas on how to do that, 'cause it sounds complicated." "Well, I think we need to make sure that the new human race is made up of people of all different colors." "You know, by stirring up the melting pot." "I call president." "Yeah, me, too." "I call president, too." "We can't have two presidents." "Says who?" "Says me, and I'm the president." "One of them." "Guys, we're not gonna have a president." "But if we were, I'd be the president." "Don't talk to me..." "While we were trying to figure out the rest of our lives, Catalina was running for hers." "As bummed out as we were about Y2K ending the world, we were also excited to go shopping." "Being the last people on Earth had its advantages." "There was no one at the register, so everything was in our price range." "Plus, there were no other shoppers grabbing stuff out of our carts when we weren't looking." "* Look at them yo-yos, that's the way you do it *" "* You play the guitar on the MTV *" "* That ain't working *" "* That's the way you do it *" "* Money for nothing and your chicks for free... *" "You guys ready to get out of here?" "No, not me." "I'm staying here forever." "You're gonna live in the store?" "Earl, he's gonna live in the store." "I can live wherever I want." "Yeah, I mean, we rule the world now." "I may move to Florida if Y2K hasn't snapped it off in the ocean." "Earl, can we live in the store, too?" "Please, can we?" "I guess." "It is bigger than the trailer, and we wouldn't have to load this crap in the car." "Okay, I claim the TV section." "Oh, hold on, you can't do that." "What are you gonna do, call the police?" "They're dead." "I can do whatever I want, and I claim this section." "Why the hell is it your section and not my section?" "A, because you're pregnant and can't fight, and B, because I got here first." "Suddenly, we all realized if there was something we wanted for our own, well, we had to be the first one to get there." "So we all claimed our piece of paradise." "Joy took the beauty products and pharmacy aisle." "Help!" "Help!" "The machine's got me!" "Y2K!" "Y2K!" "Oh." "Never mind, I scared it!" "It let go!" "* Well, look'ee here, you sweet young thing *" "* The magic's in my hands *" "Darnell seemed happy in his section." "Oh, I get it." "My finger's his wiener." "* It's a free-for-all *" "* Bam *" "* Yeah, it's a free-for-all *" "* Ow!" "*" "And I found a section that was my own little slice of heaven." "Everyone started out pretty happy with our little arrangement." "But eventually, people began to have needs outside their aisles." "Hey, baby." "Oh." "Hey, hubby." "Hey, look on the back of that box and tell me how long I'm supposed to keep these bleach trays in." "Joy, it says you're not supposed to use these if you're pregnant." "Says the stupid government, which is dead." "There's no more rules anymore, Earl." "I could put the stuff in my eyes if I wanted to." "Make the white parts whiter." "What are you doing?" "My stomach hurts." "I think I ate too many cookie insides." "You can't just come in and take my stuff without asking." "But we're married;" "it's our stuff." "I don't think so." "I'm a separate accounts kind of woman." "If you want something, you're gonna have to give me something for it." "You want three bags of slightly licked outsides of cookies?" "I want a TV." "How am I supposed to get you a TV?" "I live in snack foods." "Figure it out." "Hey, Donnie, what can I trade you for a TV?" "Give me your wife." "I'm not giving you my wife." "Pick a snack food." "Marshmallow fluff... smeared on your wife." "Donnie." "Okay." "I'll give you a TV." "But you got to owe me one favor." "And I get to ask for that favor anytime I want, and you can't say no, and you can't ask what the favor's gonna be." "Is the favor giving you my wife?" "Yep." "Forget it." "While Donnie Jones was hard to negotiate with, he was kind of easy to fool." "Oh, so there's crime now." "What the hell are you doing?" "!" "You took my TV!" "I saw it on TV!" "Who's my good dog?" "Who's my good boy?" "You are." "Yeah, I took one, but you got 16 left!" "Thief!" "What the hell is going on?" "!" "Shut up!" "You belong to me now!" "You're not getting my wife, Donnie!" "Earl." "Donnie!" "Earl?" "JOY:" "Oh, snap!" "You killed your own brother!" "I claim the toy section!" "EARL:" "Things had gotten out of control." "And it was gonna take a lot more than frozen peas to fix the problems in our new world." "What the hell's the matter with us?" "How can we start a whole new world if we can't even get through a day without having a tennis ball and pumpkin-pie-filling war." "It's 'cause we ain't got no damn rules." "We need to figure out a way to settle all this fighting." "I know." "We institute a scalping policy." "Whenever two people argue, they both get scalped." "Randy, where you going?" "We're making important decisions here." "Randy, I'm talking to you." "I say we scalp him." "We're not scalping him." "We could cut off his ear." "You know what?" "Maybe building a new world's too much for us." "We're just a bunch of low-life criminals." "No wonder everybody gives us dirty looks all the time." "We don't have to argue anymore." "We can use this." "What the hell is that?" "It's a Take-a-Number thingy." "Ooh, like they have at the free clinic." "We just all take a number." "Whenever we have to make a decision, the next number decides." "That way, there won't be wars in our new world." "Funny thing, it took a smack to the head to finally knock some sense into one of us." "While Randy was helping us get to a better place, a guy named Pablo was helping Catalina do the same thing." "License and registration." "* That's great, it starts with an earthquake *" "* Birds and snakes and aeroplanes *" "Right away, we knew we were onto something with the Take-a-Number machine." "Whenever we would disagree, we went straight to the numbers." "Whoever had the lowest number got their way." "* ...speak, grunt, no strength *" "* The ladder starts to clatter with dinner fight, down height *" "* Team by team reporters baffled *" "* Trumped, tethered, cropped *" "* Look at that low plane *" "* Fine, then, uh-oh, overflow *" "* Population, common food *" "* But it'll do, save yourself, serve yourself *" "* World serves its own needs, listen to your heartbeat *" "* Tell me with the rapture and the reverend and the right... *" "The number thingy really helped us get along." "* Slam fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched *" "* It's the end of the world as we know it *" "We stopped arguing and started having fun." "Our new society was really coming together." "* It's the end of the world as we know it *" "* And I feel fine... *" "We were the best we'd ever been." "To us." "ALL:" "To us." "And to Randy." "DONNIE:" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Good job finding that pull a piece of paper with the number printed on it out of the..." "big red plastic thingy." "You know what kind of thinking that was?" "The kind of thinking a president does." "But we don't have any presidents." "Well, maybe we need one." "All in favor of Randy being president..." "President." "That means I'm on top." "By bedtime, we were exhausted." "But mostly, we were proud." "Thanks to Randy's ticket machine, we had done good on our first day of running the world." "If people were still alive to see us, they sure wouldn't have been giving us dirty looks that night." "Hey, Mr. President." "RANDY:" "Yeah, Earl?" "How's it feel to be on top?" "I don't like it." "It's too high up here." "Will you switch with me?" "Sure, Randy." "So we all went to sleep, proud of ourselves and looking forward to what the next day would bring." "Biscuit!" "But unfortunately, the next day brought shoppers ready to take advantage of Bargain Bag's" "January 2nd sale." "Turns out, the world wasn't over like we thought." "The deck wasn't reshuffled, and we were still on the bottom." "Nothing had changed at all." "Unfortunately, our new world was over." "But a new world was just beginning for Catalina, who finally made it to America." "Dibs." "What?" "Ah, it doesn't matter." "She's gone." "So six years later, Bargain Bag still needed their Take-a-Number machine, and no matter how Randy felt," "I still needed to give it back to them." "It's my turn, Earl, I get to choose." "Randy, look, that number machine means something to all of us." "But if we keep it, then we're just a bunch of crooks who stole a number machine." "That's not what that day was about." "But we were on top." "I liked being on top." "Don't worry, Randy, if we just keep doing the things on my list, we'll be back on top before you know it." "And even though we're still looked down upon today," "I'm confident that one day we won't be." "One day, we will be seen as the perfect people we were on that one perfect day." "Ma'am." "Cync by lanmao"