"(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)" "(RECORD PLAYER SLOWING TO A STOP)" "(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC RESUMES)" "(RECORD PLAYER SLOWING TO A STOP)" "(SENTIMENTAL VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING)" "(RECORD PLAYER SLOWING TO A STOP)" "(RECORD PLAYER WINDS UP)" "(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)" "(WIND HOWLING)" "(HOOFBEATS APPROACHING)" "Whoa, there!" "(BIRD CAWING)" "GUARD 1:" "Halt!" "GUARD 2:" "Who goes there?" "It is I, Arthur, Son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot." "King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons." "Sovereign of all England!" "GUARD 1:" "Pull the other one." "I am, and this is my trusty servant, Patsy." "We have ridden the length of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot." "I must speak with your lord and master." "What?" "Ridden on a horse?" "Yes." "You're using coconuts!" "What?" "You've got two empty halves of coconut, and you're banging them together." "So?" "We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land." "Through the Kingdom of Mercia." "Where did you get the coconuts?" "We found them." "Found them?" "In Mercia?" "The coconut is tropical." "What do you mean?" "Well, this is a temperate zone." "The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land." "Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?" "Not at all." "They could be carried." "What?" "A swallow carrying a coconut?" "It could grip it by the husk." "It's not a question of where he grips it." "It's a simple question of weight ratio." "A five-ounce bird could not carry a one-pound coconut." "It doesn't matter." "Go tell your master that Arthur from Camelot is here." "GUARD:" "In order to maintain air-speed Velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?" "Please!" "Am I right?" "I'm not interested." "GUARD 2:" "It could be carried by an African swallow." "GUARD 1:" "Oh, yes!" "An African swallow, maybe." "Not a European swallow." "That's my point." "I agree with that." "Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?" "But then, of course, African swallows are non-migratory." "GUARD 2:" "Oh, yes." "They couldn't bring a coconut, anyway." "GUARD 3:" "Wait a minute!" "Supposing two swallows carried it together?" "GUARD 4:" "No, they'd have to have it on a line." "GUARD 3:" "Simple." "They'd use a strand of creeper." "Held under the dorsal guiding feathers?" "Why not?" "MAN:" "Bring out your dead!" "(PEOPLE SOBBING)" "(CLANGING)" "(CLANGING)" "(COUGHING)" "Ninepence." "(MEN MOANING)" "Bring out your dead." "Here's one." "Ninepence." "I'm not dead!" "What?" "Nothing." "Here's your ninepence." "I'm not dead!" "He says he's not dead." "Yes, he is." "I'm not!" "He isn't?" "He will be soon." "He's very ill." "I'm getting better!" "You'll be stone dead in a moment." "I can't take him like that." "It's against regulations." "I don't want to go on the cart." "Don't be such a baby." "I can't take him." "I feel fine." "Well, do us a favour." "I can't." "Can you hang around a few minutes?" "He won't be long." "Got to go to the Robinsons'." "They've lost nine today." "When's your next round?" "Thursday." "I think I'll go for a walk." "You're not fooling anyone, you know." "Isn't there something you can do?" "I feel happy." "(GRUNTS)" "Thanks very much." "Not at all." "See you on Thursday." "Right." "Who's that, then?" "I don't know." "Must be a king." "Why?" "He hasn't got shit all over him." "Old woman!" "Man!" "Man." "Sorry." "What knight lives in that castle over there?" "I'm 37." "What?" "I'm 37." "I'm not old." "I can't just call you "man."" "You could say "Dennis."" "I didn't know you were called Dennis." "You didn't bother to find out." "I did say sorry about the "old woman," but from behind..." "What I object to is that you treat me like an inferior." "Well, I am king." "King?" "Very nice." "How did you get that?" "By exploiting the workers!" "By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society!" "If there's ever going to be any progress..." "There's some lovely filth down here." "Oh!" "How do you do?" "How do you do, good lady?" "I am Arthur, King of the Britons." "Whose castle is that?" "King of the who?" "The Britons." "Who are the Britons?" "We all are." "We're all Britons." "And I am your king." "Didn't know we had a king." "I thought we were an autonomous collective." "You're fooling yourself." "We're living in a dictatorship." "A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class..." "There you go." "Bringing class into it again." "That's what it's all about." "If only people..." "Please, good people." "I am in haste." "Who lives in that castle?" "No one lives there." "Who is your lord?" "We don't have a lord." "What?" "I told you." "We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune." "We take turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week." "Yes." "But all the decisions of that officer are ratified at a biweekly meeting." "Yes, I see." "By a majority in the case of internal affairs." "Be quiet!" "By a two-thirds majority in the case of..." "Be quiet!" "I order you to be quiet." ""Order." Who does he think he is?" "I am your king!" "I didn't vote for you." "You don't vote for kings." "How did you become king then?" "The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying, by divine providence, that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur." "That is why I'm your king!" "Listen." "Strange women lying in ponds, distributing swords, is no basis for a system of government." "Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses." "Not from some farcical aquatic ceremony." "Be quiet!" "You can't expect to wield supreme executive power 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you." "Shut up!" "If I went around saying I was an emperor because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!" "Will you shut up?" "See the violence inherent in the system." "Shut up!" "See the violence inherent in the system!" "Help, I'm being repressed!" "Bloody peasant!" "What a giveaway." "Did you hear that?" "That's what I'm on about." "Did you see him repressing me?" "(KNIGHTS GRUNTING)" "(KNIGHTS SHOUTING)" "(GRUNTING)" "(SHOUTING)" "(BOTH GRUNTING)" "(GROANING)" "(GROANING)" "(SHOUTING)" "(GURGUNG)" "(THUDDING)" "You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight." "I am Arthur, King of the Britons." "I seek the finest and bravest knights in the land to join me in Camelot." "You have proved yourself worthy." "Will you join me?" "You make me sad." "So be it." "Come, Patsy." "None shall pass." "What?" "None shall pass." "I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge." "Then you shall die." "I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside." "I move for no man." "So be it!" "(BELLOWS MENACINGLY)" "(SHOUTING)" "Now, stand aside, worthy adversary." "'Tis but a scratch." ""A scratch"?" "Your arm's off." "No, it isn't." "Well, what's that, then?" "I've had worse." "You liar." "Come on, you pansy!" "(SHOUTING)" "Victory is mine." "We thank thee, Lord, that in thy... (GRUNTS)" "Come on, then." "What?" "Have at you." "You are brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine." "Oh!" "Had enough, eh?" "Look, you stupid bastard." "You've got no arms left." "Yes, I have." "Look!" "Just a flesh wound." "Look, stop that." "Chicken!" "I'll have your leg." "Right!" "Right!" "I'll do you for that." "You'll what?" "Come here." "What are you going to do?" "Bleed on me?" "I am invincible!" "You're a loony." "The Black Knight always triumphs." "Have at you!" "Come on, then." "(MUMBLING)" "All right, we'll call it a draw." "Come, Patsy." "Oh, oh, I see." "Running away?" "You yellow bastard!" "Come back here and take what's coming to you!" "I'll bite your legs off!" "MONKS:" "J" Pie Jesu Domine." "J* Dona eis requiem" "(CHURCH BELL RINGS)" "J" Pie Jesu Domine." "J" Dona eis requiem J"." "WOMAN:" "A witch!" "MAN:" "We found a witch." "(PEOPLE CLAMOURING)" "We got a witch." "We found a witch." "We've got a witch." "Burn her!" "(CLAMOURAPPROACHING)" "We have found a witch." "May we burn her?" "ALL:" "Burn her!" "How do you know she is a witch?" "She looks like one." "(PEOPLE AGREEING)" "Bring her forward." "I am not a witch." "But you are dressed as one." "They dressed me up like this." "ALL:" "We didn't!" "(SPEAKING NASALLY) And this isn't my nose." "It's a false one." "Well?" "Well, we did do the nose." "The nose?" "And the hat." "But she is a witch." "ALL:" "Burn her!" "Did you dress her up like this?" "ALL:" "No." "Yes." "Yes, a bit." "She has got a wart." "What makes you think she is a witch?" "Well, she turned me into a newt." "A newt?" "I got better." "Burn her anyway." "Burn her!" "Quiet!" "There are ways of telling whether she is a witch." "Are there?" "What are they?" "Tell us." "Do they hurt?" "Tell me, what do you do with witches?" "ALL:" "Burn them!" "What do you burn apart from witches?" "More witches!" "Shh!" "Wood." "So, why do witches burn?" "'Cause they're made of wood?" "Good." "(PEOPLE MURMURING)" "So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?" "Build a bridge out of her." "Ah!" "Can you not also make bridges of stone?" "Oh, yeah." "Does wood sink in water?" "No." "It floats." "Throw her into the pond!" "(ALL SHOUTING)" "What also floats in water?" "Bread." "Apples." "Uh, very small rocks." "Cider." "Cherries." "Gravy." "Mud." "Churches." "Lead." "A duck!" "Exactly." "So, logically..." "Ifshe weighs the same as a duck..." "She's made of wood." "And, therefore..." "A witch!" "A witch!" "We shall use my largest scales." "(ALL CLAMOURING IMPATIENTLY)" "Right." "Remove the supports!" "ALL:" "A witch!" "It's a fair cop." "Burn her!" "(ALL SHOUTING)" "Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?" "I am Arthur, King of the Britons." "My liege." "Good Sir Knight, will you come to Camelot, and join us at the Round Table?" "My liege, I would be honoured." "What is your name?" "Bedevere, my liege." "Then I dub you Sir Bedevere, knight of the Round Table." "NARRATOR:" "The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights." "But other illustrious names were soon to follow." "Sir Lancelot the Brave." "Sir Galahad the Pure." "And Sir Robin, the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot, who had nearly fought the Dragon ofAngnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill." "And the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film." "Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries." "The Knights of the Round Table." "That, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped." "This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere." "Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes." "Certainly, sir." "Look, my liege." "Camelot." "Camelot." "Camelot." "It's only a model." "Shh!" "Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home." "Let us ride to Camelot!" "(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)" "J* We're knights of the Round Table." "J" We dance whene'er we're able." "J" We do routines and chorus scenes With footwork impeccable." "J" We dine well here in Camelot We eat ham andjam and Spam a lot." "J* We're knights of the Round Table." "Our shows are formidable." "J" But many times We're given rhymes." "J* That are quite unsingable We're opera mad in Camelot." "J* We sing from the diaphragm a lot" "(MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY)" "(RHYTHMIC CLANGING)" "J" In war we're tough and able." "J" Quite indefatigable." "J" Between our quests We sequin vests." "J" And impersonate Clark Gable It's a busy life in Camelot." "J* I have to push the pram a lot J"." "No, on second thoughts, let's not go to Camelot." "It is a silly place." "Right." "(THUNDER RUMBLING)" "Arthur." "King of the Britons." "Oh, don't grovel." "If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people grovelling." "Sorry." "And don't apologise." "Every time I talk to someone it's "sorry this," and, "forgive me that, "" "and, "I'm not worthy. "." "What are you doing now?" "I'm averting my eyes, O Lord." "Don't." "It's like those miserable psalms." "They're so depressing." "Now, knock it off!" "Yes, Lord." "Right." "Arthur, King of the Britons." "Your knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times." "Good idea, O Lord!" "Course it's a good idea." "Behold, Arthur, this is the Holy Grail." "Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this grail." "That is your purpose, Arthur." "The quest for the Holy Grail." "A blessing from the Lord." "God be praised!" "Halt!" "(HORN BLARING)" "Hello!" "Hello!" "(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Hello." "Who is it?" "It is King Arthur, and these are my knights of the Round Table." "Whose castle is this?" "This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard." "Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest." "If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail." "Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen." "He's already got one, you see." "What?" "He says they've already got one!" "Are you sure he's got one?" "Oh, yes." "It's very nice." "I told him we've already got one." "(SNICKERING)" "Uh, om..." "Can we come up and have a look?" "Of course not!" "You are English-types." "Well, what are you then?" "I'm French." "Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?" "What are you doing in England?" "Mind your own business." "If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force." "You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs!" "Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person." "I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King." "You and all your silly English knights." "(RAZZING)" "What a strange person." "Now look here, my good man..." "I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed, animal food-trough wiper." "I fart in your general direction." "Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries." "Is there someone else up there we could talk to?" "No." "Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time." "Now, this is your last chance." "I've been more than reasonable..." "Fetchez la vache!" "Quoi?" "Fetchez la vache!" "If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall... (BOINGING) (cow MOOING)" "Jesus Christ!" "Crikey!" "(GRUNTS)" "Right!" "Charge!" "(CATAPULT FIRING)" "(JEERING VICIOUSLY)" "(CAT YOWLING)" "Run away!" "Run away!" "(KNIGHTS SHOUTING)" "(RAZZING)" "Fiends!" "I'll tear them apart." "No, no." "Sir, I have a plan, sir." "(WIND BLOWING)" "(SAWING)" "(CLATTERING)" "(CAT YOWLING)" "(SQUEAKING)" "(CREAKING)" "(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)" "(M ETAL CLAN KING)" "(RUMBLING APPROACHING)" "(GUARD 1 SPEAKING FRENCH)" "GUARD 1:" "Un cadeau." "GUARD 2:" "What?" "A present." "Un cadeau." "Oui, allons-y." "Let's go." "(FRENCH GUARDS CHATTERING)" "(CASTLE DOOR CLOSES)" "What happens now?" "Well, now, Lancelot, Galahad, and Iwait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise." "Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!" "Who leaps out?" "Uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I." "Leap out of the rabbit." "(MOANS)" "Um..." "Look." "If we built this large, wooden badger... (CATAPULT FIRES)" "ALL:" "Run away!" "(ALL SHOUTING)" "History for Schools." "Take 8." "DIRECTOR:" "Action!" "Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur." "The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise." "Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion." "Arthur, having consulted his closest knights decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail individually." "(HOOFBEATS APPROACHING) Now, this is what they did... (BELLOWING)" "Frank!" "(NARRATOR READING)" "So, each of the knights went their separate ways." "Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favourite minstrels." "MINSTREL:" "J" Bravely bold Sir Robin Rode forth from Camelot." "J" He was not afraid to die O, Brave Sir Robin." "J" He was not at all afraid To be killed in nasty ways." "J" Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin." "J* He was not in the least bit Scared To be mashed into a pulp." "J" Or to have his eyes gouged out And his elbows broken." "J" To have his kneecaps split And his body burned away." "J* And his limbs all hacked and mangled Brave Sir Robin." "J* His head smashed in And his heart cut out." "J" His liver removed And his bowels unplugged." "J* His nostrils raped, his bottom burned off And his penis..." "J"." "That's, uh, enough music for now, lads." "Looks like there's dirty work afoot." "DENNIS:" "Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom." "WOMAN:" "Dennis, forget about freedom." "Don't drop that mud." "(ECHOING) Halt!" "Who art thou?" "J" He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin..." "J"." "Shut up!" "(STAMMERING) Nobody, really." "I was just passing through." "What do you want?" "J* To fight and..." "J"." "Shut up!" "Um..." "Oh!" "Nothing." "Nothing, really." "(STAMMERING) Just to pass through, good Sir Knight." "I'm afraid not." "Ah." "Actually, I am a knight of the Round Table." "You're a knight of the Round Table?" "I am." "In that case, I have to kill you." "Shall I?" "I don't think so." "What do I think?" "Kill him." "Let's be nice to him." "Shut up." "But..." "And you!" "Get the sword out." "I want to cut his head off!" "Cut your own head off." "Yes, do us all a favour." "What?" "Yapping on all the time." "You're lucky you're not next to him." "What do you mean?" "You snore." "I don't." "You've got bad breath." "Only because you don't brush my teeth." "Stop bitching, and let's go and have tea!" "All right!" "We'll kill him first, and then have tea and biscuits." "Yes." "Not biscuits." "All right!" "Not biscuits." "But let's kill him anyway." "BOTH:" "Right." "He's buggered off!" "So he has!" "He's scarpered." "J* Brave Sir Robin ran away." "No!" "J* Bravely ran away, away" "I didn't." "J* When danger reared its ugly head." "J" He bravely turned his tail and fled." "J" Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about And gallantly he chickened out." "J* Bravely taking to his feet He beat a very brave retreat." "J" Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin J*" "Ineved." "J" Pie Jesu Domine." "J" Dona eis requiem J"" "(EXCLAIMS)" "(WHOOPING)" "0oh." "(NARRATOR READING)" "(THUNDER RUMBLING)" "(ANIMAL HOWLING)" "(ANIMAL HOWLING)" "Open the door." "In the name of King Arthur, open the door!" "(WOOD CREAKING)" "(PANTING)" "(DOOR SLAMS)" "Hello!" "Welcome, gentle Sir Knight." "Welcome to the Castle Anthrax." "The Castle Anthrax?" "Yes." "It's not a very good name, is it?" "Oh, but we are nice, and we will attend to your every, every need!" "You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?" "The what?" "The Grail." "It is here?" "But you are tired, and you must rest awhile." "Midget!" "Crapper!" "MIDGET AND CRAPPER:" "Yes, O Zoot?" "Prepare a bed for our guest." "Thank you, Zoot." "Thank you." "Away, away, varletesses!" "The beds here are warm and soft, and very, very big." "Look, I, Uh..." "What is your name, handsome knight?" "Uh, Sir Galahad the Chaste." "Mine is Zoot." "Just Zoot." "Oh, but come." "Please, in God's name, show me the Grail." "You have suffered much." "You are delirious." "Look, I have seen it." "It is here." "Sir Galahad!" "You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality." "(STAMMERING)" "Oh!" "I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet, compared to yours." "We're eight score blondes and brunettes, all between 16 and 19 and a half, cut off in this castle, with no one to protect us." "It is a lonely life." "Bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear." "We are just not used to handsome knights." "Nay." "Come." "You may lie here." "But you are wounded!" "No, it's nothing!" "You must see the doctors immediately." "Please, lie down." "Well, what seems to be the trouble?" "They're doctors?" "Uh, they have a basic medical training." "Come, come, you must try to rest." "Dr Piglet!" "Dr Winston!" "Practise your art." "Try to relax." "Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?" "We must examine you." "There's nothing wrong with that." "Please." "We are doctors." "Look, this cannot be." "I am sworn to chastity!" "Back to your bed!" "Torment me no longer." "I have seen the Grail." "There's no Grail here." "I have seen it." "I have seen..." "WOMEN:" "Hello." "(BECKONINGLY) Hello." "Zoot!" "I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo." "Where are you going?" "I seek the Grail." "I have seen it here in this castle!" "Oh, no." "Bad, bad Zoot!" "What is it?" "Wicked, bad, naughty Zoot!" "She has been setting light to our beacon, which is Grail-shaped." "It's not the first time we've had this problem." "It's not the real Grail?" "Wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot." "She is a bad person, and must pay the penalty." "Do you think this scene should have been cut?" "We were so worried when the boys were writing it." "But now we're glad." "It's better than some previous scenes, I think." "Ours was better visually." "Ours was committed." "It wasn't a string of pussy jokes." "Get on with it." "Yes." "Get on with it!" "ALL:" "Get on with it!" "I am enjoying this scene." "Get on With it!" "(SIGHS)" "Wicked, wicked Zoot!" "She must pay the penalty." "In Castle Anthrax, we have one punishment for setting alight the Grail-shaped beacon." "You must tie her down on a bed, and spank her." "WOMEN:" "A spanking!" "A spanking!" "You must spank her, and after you've spanked her, deal with her as you like." "And, then, spank me." "And me!" "And me." "And me." "Yes." "You must give us all a good spanking!" "WOMEN:" "A spanking!" "And, after the spanking, the oral sex." "ALL:" "The oral sex!" "(DOOR OPENING)" "Well, I could stay a bit longer." "LANCELOT:" "Sir Galahad!" "Oh." "Hello." "Quick!" "You are in great peril." "Why?" "No, he isn't!" "Silence, foul temptress!" "She's got a point." "We'll cover your escape!" "Look, I'm fine!" "Wait, Sir Galahad!" "I can tackle this lot single-handed!" "Yes, let him tackle us single-handed!" "(WOMEN CLAMOURING IN AGREEMENT)" "No, Sir Galahad." "Come!" "Honestly, I can handle this lot easily!" "Yes, let him handle us easily." "Go!" "Quick!" "Wait!" "Please!" "I can defeat them!" "There's only 150 of them!" "He'll beat us easily." "We haven't a chance." "(ALL CLAMOURING DISAPPOINTEDLY)" "Oh, shit!" "You were in great peril." "I don't think I was." "You were in terrible peril." "Let me go back, and face the peril." "No, it's too perilous." "It's my duty to sample as much peril as I can." "We've got to find the Holy Grail." "Let me have just a bit of peril?" "No." "It's unhealthy." "I bet you're 93V" "No, I'm not." "NARRATOR:" "Sir Lancelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation." "But, they were still no nearer the Grail." "King Arthur and Sir Bedevere, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something." "That's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously." "They were more than two laden swallow's flights away." "Four, with a coconut on a line between them." "If the birds were..." "ALL:" "Get on with it!" "Oh, an yWaY, on to Scene 24, which is a smashing scene, with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue." "There aren't any swallows, but I think you can hear a... (THUDDING)" "(NARRATOR GROAN S)" "(CACKUNG)" "And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail?" "Where does he live?" "Old man, where does he live?" "He knows of a cave." "A cave which no man has entered." "And the Grail." "The Grail is there?" "There is much danger." "For beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed." "But the Grail." "Where is the Grail?" "Seek you the Bridge of Death." "The Bridge of Death?" "Which leads to the Grail?" "(CACKUNG)" "(BIRDS CAWING)" "(woon SNAPS)" "(RUSTLING)" "Who are you?" "We are the knights who say "Ni"!" "No!" "Not the knights who say "Ni"?" "The same!" "Who are they?" "We are the keepers of the sacred words." "IINilll llpenglll and "Neee Wom"!" "Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale." "The knights who say "Ni" demand a sacrifice." "Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods." "(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) ALL:" "Ni!" "Ni!" "We shall say "Ni" again to you, if you do not appease us." "What is it you want?" "We want a shrubbery." "A what?" "Ni!" "Ni!" "(GROANING)" "Please!" "No more!" "We will find you a shrubbery." "You must return with a shrubbery, or else you will never pass through this wood alive." "Knights of Ni, you are just and fair." "We will return with a shrubbery." "One that looks nice." "Of course." "And not too expensive." "Yes." "NOW go!" "(THUDDING)" "(ILLUSTRATOR EXCLAIMING)" "(MUTTERING)" "(CLATTERING)" "(GRUNTING)" "Stop that!" "Stop that!" "Go on, clear off!" "Go away." "And you, clear off!" "(SUN MUTTERING)" "Bloody weather." "(NARRATOR READING)" "(FROGS CROAKING)" "One day, lad, all this will be yours." "What, the curtains?" "No, not the curtains." "All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys." "That'll be your kingdom, lad." "But, Mother." "Father, lad." "But, Father, I don't want any of that." "Listen, lad." "I built this kingdom up from nothing." "When I started here, it was a swamp." "Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on the swamp." "But I built it all the same to show them." "It sank into the swamp." "So, I built a second one." "That sank into the swamp." "So, I built a third one." "That burned down, fell over, then sank in the swamp." "But the fourth one stayed up." "And that's what youWigeLlad." "The strongest castle in these isles." "But I don't want any of that." "I'd rather..." "Rather what?" "I'd rather just." "(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC STARTS) sing." "(RECORD PLAYER SLOWS TO A STOP) Stop that." "You're not going into a song while I'm here!" "In 20 minutes, you're marrying a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain." "But I don't want land." "Listen, Alice." "Herbert." "Herbert." "We live on a bloody swamp, we need all the land we can get." "But I don't like her." "Don't like her?" "What's wrong with her?" "She's beautiful, she's rich." "She's got huge tracts of land." "I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have a certain special something." "(MUSIC RESUMES PLAYING)" "Cut that out!" "(RECORD PLAYER STOPS)" "You're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea!" "Guards!" "Make sure the Prince doesn't leave the room until I get him." "Not to leave the room, even if you come and get him." "No." "Until I come and get him." "Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room." "No, you stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave." "And you'll come and get him." "Right." "We don't need to do anything, apart from stop him entering the room." "No." "Leaving the room." "Leaving the room, yes." "All right?" "Right." "Oh, if..." "Uh, if we're..." "Yes?" "Look, it's quite simple." "You stay here and make sure he doesn't leave the room." "All right?" "(HICCUPS)" "Oh, I remember." "Uh, can he leave the room with us?" "No, you just keep him in here, and make sure..." "Oh, yes!" "We'll keep him in here, obviously." "But if he had to leave..." "No." "Keep him in here!" "Until you, or anyone..." "Not anyone, just me." "Justyou_." "Get back." "Right?" "Right." "We'll stay here until you get back." "And make sure he doesn't leave." "What?" "Make sure he doesn't leave." "The Prince?" "Yes, make sure he doesn't leave." "Yes, of course!" "I thought you meant him!" "It seemed a bit daft me having to guard him when he's a guard." "Is that clear?" "Quite clear." "No problems." "Right." "Where are you going?" "We're coming with you." "No, I want you to stay here, and make sure he doesn't leave." "Isee, nghL." "But, Father..." "Shut it, and get that suit on." "(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC STARTS)" "(RECORD PLAYER STOPS) And no singing!" "(HICCUPS)" "Oh, go and get a glass of water." "Well taken, Concorde!" "Thank you, sir, most kind." "And again!" "Over we go!" "Good, steady!" "Now, the big one!" "Come on, Concorde!" "(ARROW TWANGING)" "Message for you, sir." "Concorde, speak to me!" ""To whoever finds this note."" ""I have been imprisoned by my father,"" ""who wishes me to marry against my will."" ""Please, please come and rescue me."" ""I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle."" "At last!" "A call!" "A cry of distress!" "This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail!" "Brave Concorde, you shall not have died in vain!" "I'm not quite dead, sir." "You shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!" "I think I could pull through, sir." "I see." "I think I'm all right to come with you." "No, sweet Concorde!" "Stay here." "I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular..." "(GROANS)" "Idiom, sir?" "Idiom!" "No, I feel fine, actually, sir." "Farewell, sweet Concorde!" "I'll, uh, just stay here, shaHI, sh?" "Yeah." "(WOMEN GIGGLING SOFTLY)" "(INDISTINCT TALKING)" "(MINSTREL MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY)" "Morning." "Morning." "(SHOUTS)" "(DISTRACTEDLY) Hey!" "(LAUGHING MAN IACALLY)" "(SHOUTING)" "(EXCLAIMS)" "You're not allowed to enter the room... (SHOUTING)" "Fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Lancelot of Camelot." "I have come to take..." "I'm terribly sorry." "You got my note!" "I got a note." "You've come to rescue me?" "Well, no, you see..." "I knew someone would." "I knew that somewhere out there," "(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC STARTS) there must be someone... (RECORD PLAYER STOPS)" "Stop that!" "Stop it!" "Who are you?" "I'm your son." "No, not you." "I'm Sir Lancelot, sir." "He's come to rescue me, Father." "Let's not jump to conclusions." "Did you kill all those guards?" "Uh..." "Yes." "Sorry." "They cost 50 pounds each." "I'm awfully sorry." "Don't be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot." "I've got a rope ready." "You killed eight wedding guests and all!" "Well, you see, I thought your son was a lady." "I can understand that." "Hurry, Sir Lancelot!" "Hurry!" "Shut up!" "You only killed the bride's father!" "I didn't mean to." "Didn't mean to?" "You put your sword through his head!" "Oh, dear, is he all right?" "You kicked the bride in the chest!" "It's going to cost me a fortune!" "I can explain." "I was in the forest, riding north from Camelot, when I got this note." "Are you from Camelot?" "Hurry, Sir Lancelot!" "I'm a knight of King Arthur, sir." "Very nice castle, Camelot." "Very good pig country." "Is it?" "I am ready!" "Would you like to come have a drink?" "That's awfully nice of you." "I am ready!" "I mean, to be so understanding." "You see, when I'm in this idiom," "I sometimes get a bit carried away." "(PRINCE GRUNTS)" "(ALL SOBBING)" "Now, this is the main hall." "We'll have all this knocked through..." "There he is!" "Bloody hell." "(ALL SCREAMING)" "Hold it, please!" "See what I mean?" "I get carried away." "I'm really most awfully sorry." "Sorry, everyone." "He's killed the best man!" "Hold it, please, hold it." "This is Sir Lancelot from the Court of Camelot, a brave and influential knight." "And my special guest here today." "Hello." "MAN:" "He killed my auntie!" "No, please!" "This is supposed to be a happy occasion!" "Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who." "We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of holy wedlock." "(PEOPLE MURMURING)" "Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death." "But I don't want to think I've lost a son, so much as gained a daughter." "For, since the tragic death of her father..." "He's not quite dead!" "Since the near fatal wounding of her father..." "He's getting better!" "For, since her own father who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him." "(MAN GROANING)" "He's died!" "I want his only daughter to look upon me as her own dad, in a very real, and legally binding sense." "And I feel sure that the merger, the union between the Princess and the brave but dangerous Sir Lancelot of Camelot..." "What?" "Look, the dead Prince!" "(ALL GASPING)" "GUARD:" "He's not quite dead!" "HERBERT:" "I feel much better." "You fell out of the tall tower, you creep!" "No, I was saved at the last minute." "H ow?" "I'll tell you." "(MUSIC STARTS PLAYING)" "Not like that!" "Not like that." "ALL:" "J" He's going to tell He's going to tell J"." "Quickly, sir, come this way!" "No, it's not right for my idiom." "I must escape more..." "Dramatically, sir?" "Dramatically." "Wheel" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Excuse me, could somebody give me a push, please?" "(CAT SCREECHES)" "(CAT SCREECHES)" "(CAT SCREECHES)" "(CAT SCREECHES)" "(CAT SCREECHES)" "Old crone!" "Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery?" "Who sent you?" "The knights who say "Ni"!" "No!" "We have no shrubberies here." "If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say..." "We will say "Ni."" "(GROANS) Do your worst!" "Very well." "If you will not assist us voluntarily..." "Ni!" "No!" "Never." "No shrubberies." "N00!" "Nu." "No, it's not that, it's "Ni."" "No, you're not doing it properly." "Ni." "You've got it." "BOTH:" "Ni!" "Are you saying "Ni" to that old woman?" "Um..." "Yes." "What sad times are these when passing ruffians can say "Ni" at will to old ladies." "There is a pestilence upon this land." "Nothing is sacred." "Even those who arrange shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history." "Did you say "shrubberies"?" "Yes." "Shrubberies are my trade." "I am a shrubber." "My name is Roger the Shrubber." "I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies." "Ni!" "No!" "Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery." "May we go?" "It is a good shrubbery." "I like the laurels particularly." "But there is one small problem." "What is that?" "We are now no longer the knights who say "Ni."" "Shh!" "Shh!" "We are now the knights who say," ""Ekke Ekke Ekke Ptang Zoo Boing"!" "Therefore, we must give you a test." "What is this test, knights who until recently said "Ni"?" "Firstly, you must find another shrubbery!" "Not another shrubbery!" "Then you must bring it here beside this shrubbery." "Higher, so you get the two-level effect with a path going down the middle." "OTHERS:" "A path!" "A path!" "Then, when you have found the shrubberies, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with a herring!" "We shall do no such thing." "Oh, please." "Cut down a tree with a herring?" "It can't be done." "(SCREAMING)" "Don't say that word." "What word?" "I cannot tell." "Suffice to say, it's one of the words the knights of Ni cannot hear." "How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?" "He did it again." "What? "Ls"?" "No, not "is"!" "You wouldn't get very far in life not saying "is."" "My liege, it's Robin." "J" He's jacking it in and packing it up." "J" And sneaking away and buggering off." "J* And chickening out and pissing a pot." "J" Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge J*" "Robin." "My liege." "It's good to see you." "Now he's said the word!" "You haven't given up your quest for the Holy Grail?" "J" He is sneaking away and..." "J"." "Shut up!" "No, far from it." "You said the word again." "I was looking for it." "(GROANS) here in this forest." "No, it is far from this place." "Stop saying the word!" "The word we cannot hear!" "Stop it!" "He said "it" again!" "That's it!" "I've said "it." I've said "it." I've said "it" again!" "That's three "its"!" "NARRATOR:" "And so Arthur and Bedevere and." "Sir Robin set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24." "Beyond the forest they met Lancelot and Galahad, and there was much rejoicing." "(CHEERING)" "In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels." "And there was much rejoicing." "(KNIGHTS CHEERING)" "A year passed." "(SHIVERING)" "Winter changed into spring." "(MURMURS APPRECIATIVELY)" "Spring changed into summer." "Summer changed back into winter, and winter gave spring and summer a miss and went straight on into autumn." "(GRUNTING)" "Until one day." "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "Knights, forward!" "(EXPLOSION)" "(ARTILLERY SHELL WHISTLING)" "(ARTILLERY SHELL WHISTLING)" "(SHELLS WHISTLING)" "What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?" "I am an enchanter." "By what name are you known?" "There are some who call me..." "Tim." "Greetings, Tim the enchanter!" "Greetings, King Arthur." "You know my name?" "I do." "(FLAME TH ROWER ROARING)" "You seek the Holy Grail." "That is our quest." "You know much that is hidden, Tim." "Quite." "Yes, we are looking for the Holy Grail." "Our quest is to find the Holy Grail." "Yes, it is." "(ALL AGREEING)" "And so we're looking for it." "Yes, we are." "We have been for some time." "Ages." "So, anything you could do to, uh, help would be very" "helpful." "Look, can you tell us where..." "Fine, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but I don't suppose you could tell us where we might find a, om... (STAMMERS)" "A what?" "(SHOUTING) A grail?" "Yes, I think so." "Yes." "(ALL AGREEING)" "Yes!" "Oh!" "Thank you." "Splendid!" "Look, you're a busy man..." "Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail." "To the north, there lies a cave." "The Cave of Caerbannog." "Wherein, carved in mystic runes, upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged" "make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail." "Where could we find this cave, Tim?" "Follow!" "But follow only if ye be men of valour." "For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel, that no man yet has fought with it and lived." "Bones of full 50 men lie strewn about its lair." "So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth." "What an eccentric performance!" "(WIND HOWLING)" "(MEN NEIGHING)" "They're nervous, sire." "Then we'd best leave them here and carry on, on foot." "Dismount!" "Behold the Cave of Caerbannog!" "Right, keep me covered." "What with?" "Just keep me covered." "Too late." "TIM:" "There he is!" "Where?" "There." "What, behind the rabbit?" "It is the rabbit." "You silly sod!" "What?" "You got us all worked up." "That's no ordinary rabbit." "That's the most foul, cruel and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on." "You tit!" "I soiled my armour I was so scared!" "Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide." "It's a killer!" "Get stuffed." "He'll do you up a treat, mate!" "Yeah?" "You manky Scots git!" "I'm warning you." "What's he do?" "Nibble your bum?" "He's got huge, sharp..." "It can leap about..." "Look at the bones!" "Go on, Bors, chop its head off." "Right." "Silly little bleeder." "One rabbit stew coming right up." "Look!" "(SQUEAKING)" "Jesus Christ!" "I warned you!" "I've done it again." "I warned you." "But did you listen to me?" "No, you knew it all, didn't you?" "It's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it?" "Well, it's always the same." "I always..." "Shut up!" "Charge!" "(KNIGHTS SHOUTING)" "(KNIGHTS SCREAMING)" "ALL:" "Run away!" "(LAUGHING)" "How many did we lose?" "Gawain." "Ector." "And Bors." "That's five." "Three." "Three." "We better not risk another frontal assault, that rabbit's dynamite." "Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?" "Shut up and change your armour." "Let us taunt it." "It may become so cross that it will make a mistake." "Like what?" "Well..." "Have we got bows?" "No." "We have the Holy Hand Grenade." "Yes, of course!" "The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch." "It's one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries." "Brother Maynard!" "Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade." "BROTHER MAYNARD:" "J" Pie Jesu Domine." "MONKS:" "J* Dona eis requiem." "J" Pie Jesu Domine." "J* Dona eis requiem." "J" Pie Jesu Domine." "J* Dona eis requiem." "J" Pie Jesu Domine." "J" Dona eis requiem J"." "How does it, uh..." "How does it work?" "I know not, my liege." "Consult the Book of Armaments." "Armaments 2: 9-21." ""And St Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying,"" ""'O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayest"" ""'blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.'."" ""And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon"" ""the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans"" ""and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and..."" "Skip a bit, Brother." ""The Lord spake, saying," ""'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin," ""'then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less." ""'Three shalt be the number thou shalt count," ""'and the number of the counting shalt be three." ""'Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two," ""'excepting that thou then proceed to three." ""'Five is right out." ""'Once the number three, being the third number be reached," ""'then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch" ""'towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight," ""'shall snuff it."'" "Amen." "ALL:" "Amen." "Right." "One, two, five!" "Three, sir!" "Three!" "(ALL PANTING NERVOUSLY)" "There!" "Look!" "What does it say?" "What language is that?" "Brother Maynard, you're our scholar." "It is Aramaic!" "Of course." "Joseph of Arimathea!" "Of course." "What does it say?" "It reads, "Here may be found"" ""the last words of Joseph of Arimathea." ""'He who is Valiant and pure of spirit" ""'may find the Holy Grail" ""'in the Castle of Aaargh."'" "What?" ""The Castle of Aaargh."" "What is that?" "He must have died while carving it." "Come on!" "That's what it says." "Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve "Aaargh."" "He'd just say it." "That's what's carved in the rock." "Perhaps he was dictating it." "Shut up!" "Does it say anything else?" "No!" "Just "Aaargh."" "Aaargh." "Do you suppose he meant the Camargue?" "Where's that?" "In France, I think." "Isn't there a St Aaargh's in Cornwall?" "No, that's St Ives." "LANCELOT:" "St Ives." "(EXCLAIMING)" "No, "Aaargh." At the back of the throat." "No, "Ooh," in surprise and alarm!" "Oh, you mean a sort of an "Ah!"" "Yes, that's right." "Ahhh!" "My God!" "(ROARING)" "It's the legendary Black Beast of..." "Aaargh!" "ARTHUR:" "That's it!" "Run away!" "(ALL SHOUTING)" "Keep running." "(WHISPERING) We've lost him." "(BEAST ROARS)" "(KNIGHTS SCREAMING)" "NARRATOR:" "As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless." "When, suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack." "The Cartoon peril was no more." "The quest for the Holy Grail could continue." "There it is!" "The Bridge of Death." "ROBIN: (UNENTHUSIASTICALLY) Great." "ARTHUR:" "Look!" "There's the old man from Scene 24." "BEDEVERE:" "What's he doing here?" "He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death." "He asks each traveller five questions." "Three questions." "Three questions." "He who answers the five questions..." "Three questions." "Three questions, may cross in safety." "What if you get a question wrong?" "Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril." "Oh, wacko." "Who's going to answer the questions?" "Brave Sir Robin, you go." "I've got a great idea." "Why doesn't Lancelot go?" "Yes, let me go, my liege." "I will take him single-handed." "I shall make a feint to the northeast..." "Hang om." "Just answer the five questions..." "Three questions." "Three questions, as best you can." "And we shall watch and pray." "I understand, my liege." "Good luck, brave Sir Lancelot." "God be with you." "Stop!" "Who would cross the Bridge of Death, must answer me these questions three." "Ere the other side he see." "Ask me the questions, bndgekeepen I'm not afraid." "What is your name?" "My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot." "What is your quest?" "To seek the Holy Grail." "What is your favourite colour?" "Blue." "Right." "Off you go." "Well, thank you very much." "That's easy." "stop" "Who approacheth the Bridge of Death, must answer me these questions three." "Ere the other side he see." "Ask me the questions, bndgekeepen I'm not afraid." "What is your name?" "Sir Robin of Camelot." "What is your quest?" "To seek the Holy Grail." "What is the capital of Assyria?" "I don't know that!" "(SCREAMING)" "Stop!" "What is your name?" "Sir Galahad of Camelot." "What is your quest?" "I seek the Grail." "What is your favourite colour?" "Blue." "No!" "Yellow!" "(SCREAMING)" "(CACKUNG)" "Stop!" "What is your name?" "It is Arthur, King of the Britons." "What is your quest?" "To seek the Holy Grail." "What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?" "What do you mean?" "An African or European swallow?" "I don't know that!" "(SCREAMING)" "How do you know so much about swallows?" "You have to know these things when you're a king." "(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)" "Lancelot!" "Lancelot!" "(POLICE RADIO CHATTERING)" "ARTHUR:" "Lancelot!" "The Castle Aaargh." "Our quest is at an end." "God be praised." "Almighty God, we thank thee, that thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy... (CATAPULT FIRING)" "(SHEEP BLEATING) Jesus Christ!" "Hello, stuffy English knights and Monsieur Arthur King, who has the brain of a duck, you know." "So, we French fellows outwit you a second time." "How dare you profane this place with your presence?" "I command you, in the name of the knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us." "How you English say?" "One more time," "I unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a window-dresser!" "So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent, running about, advancing behaviour." "I wave my private parts at your aunties." "You cheesy lot of second-hand, electric donkey-bottom biters!" "In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!" "No chance, English bed-wetting types." "I burst my pimples at you, and call your door-opening request a silly thing!" "You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms." "If you'll not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!" "In the name of God and the glory of our..." "Right!" "That settles it!" "Depart at this time, and don't be approaching any more, or we fire arrows into your heads, and make castanets out of your testicles." "Walk away, just ignore them." "And now remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk!" "And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, stuffy English knights!" "(JEERING)" "We shall attack at once." "Yes, my liege." "Stand by for attack!" "French persons!" "(JEERING)" "Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged." "In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight till each one of you lies dead, and the Holy Grail returns to those whom God has chosen." "(FRENCHMEN LAUGHING IN DERISION)" "ARTHUR:" "Charge!" "(ALL SHOUTING)" "(SIREN WAILING)" "Yes, they're the ones, I'm sure." "(POLICEMEN SHOUTING ORDERS)" "(POLICE RADIO CHATTERING)" "Come on." "Put this man in the van." "Put him in the van." "Get a blanket over that one." "Come on, back!" "Right back!" "That's an offensive weapon, that is." "(POLICEMEN BARKING ORDERS)" "All right, sonny, that's enough." "Pack that in."