"( theme song playing )" "WOMAN:" "There it is." "KINCH:" "Huh, that place is built like Fort Knox." "HOGAN:" "Yeah, quite a piggy bank." "What goes on there, Olga?" "Rocket fuel." "Chemicals are shipped from Düsseldorf in truck convoys." "The fuel is made here." "Then they put the barrels in railway cars." "And away they go to the launching pads in France." "It has been operating only a few weeks." "Huh, Colonel..." "( vehicle rumbling )" "Security is one thing, but that's ridiculous." "You think we should radio London for an air strike?" "I guess so, but it's going to be murder." "Look at these hills." "A low-level attack would never make it." "We've already given London the locations of the flak batteries." "They're going to need it-- this isn't going to be a milk run." "Colonel..." "brass arriving." "He's got to be wheel of some kind." "Yeah, they sure didn't mess with him." "That is General von Treger's car." "He's in charge of the rocket program." "I saw him in Hammelburg." "We know he works on the rocket installations in France." "An important man, very close the Führer." "It's a cinch he's not in town for the bock beer festival." "Let's get back to camp." "HOGAN:" "Newkirk." "Oh!" "Cor blimey, sir, gave me a fright" "I nearly let you have it." "Glad you're alert-- but your safety catch is on." "Oh, well, you can't be too careful, can you, sir?" "Uh, see you home, if you like, love." "KINCH:" "Oh, isn't that sweet?" "Beautiful." "Well, the Germans are prowling these woods." "He's right... also, Englishmen prowling." "General von Treger?" "!" "Yes, the General von Treger." "Congratulations, Herr Kommandant." "Oh, this is a very big fish." "I'm so glad you approve the General's visit." "Oh, I do, Herr Kommandant." "Thank you, Schultz, that's gives me a warm feeling of confidence." "Now... preparations are to be made:" "General von Treger will be staying in my quarters." "Both of you in one bed?" "Alone, Dummkopf." "Now, see to it that my room is clean, new curtains, bedspread, fresh flowers." "Then see to it that all my things are taken out of there and moved into the orderly room temporarily." "Everything, Herr Kommandant?" "Yes." "Also the girlie pictures on the shelf in the..." "I said everything-- now see to it at once." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant, it shall be done." "I shall depend on you, Schultz... which is a terrible mistake." "( woman giggling )" "( chuckles )" "Colonel Hogan is here." "Herr Kommandant, Colonel..." "Yes, I know-- send him in." "Jawohl." "I told you, every time Hilda giggles..." "Oh, shut up." "You have your orders." "Dis... missed." "You want to see me, Commandant?" "Yes, I do." "Hogan, one of the most important men in Germany today is visiting Stalag 13." "Old Bubblehead's coming here?" "I do not appreciate you calling our Führer "Old Bubblehead."" "Oh... how about "Fruitcake?"" "Hogan!" "We are to be honored by the presence of General von Treger." "That's big brass." "The general has some very important business in this part of Germany, and he's making our little stalag his headquarters." "Sometimes this war's so exciting I can hardly stand it." "Hogan, I warn you, while General von Treger is here any show of disrespect, any trouble whatsoever from you or your men will be punished unmercifully." "Get out of line just once and you will regret it, understood?" "Understood." "Now..." "I wonder if you could do me a favor." "You sure know how to ask a guy." "Listen, Hogan..." "I understand that General von Treger enjoys all the good things in life." "Then why is he staying here?" "He appreciates good wines." "He enjoys gourmet cooking." "I have heard that he's even a bit of a ladies man." "Who isn't..." "in between wars." "Hogan, what I am trying to ask you..." "Would our chef, LeBeau cook him a special meal?" "Exactly." "You're prepared to make a deal, of course?" "I am the commandant here," "I do not make deals with prisoners of war." "But you would show your appreciation." "What kind of deal do you want?" "I won't ask you for more heat or hot water in the barracks or to stop stealing from our Red Cross packages..." "Very sensible." "because I know I can get those things." "Two men from Barracks 9 are in the cooler," "Sergeant Schwartz and Private Mills." "Yes, ten days solitary confinement for making rude noises during roll call." "Commandant, everybody does that." "I know!" "An example must be made." "They've served three day, let them out." "Impossible." "LeBeau might cook two meals." "No!" "Commandant..." "just imagine the General at Berchtesgaden sometime and he says to old Bubblehead-- sorry, Fruitcake..." "whatever-- he says, "The best soufflé I ever had" ""was at a Luft Stalag." ""Can't even remember the name of the town, but the Commandant..."" "All right, all right, all right." "The men will be released." "You're a great humanitarian." "You know, they might even name the next war after you." ""World War Klink"?" "Welcome, General von Treger." "May I say, sir, my stalag is your stalag." "Thank you for your kind hospitality, Colonel Klink." "See to the bags." "See to the bags." "Yes, sir!" "See to the bags." "( somberly ):" "From London." ""Air strike at this time impossible." ""Target now your mission." "Priority one-- good luck."" "It's a suicide mission." "Right, machine-gun emplacements, minefields, automatic alarm system, a regiment of elite guards... impossible, right?" "OTHERS:" "Right." "All right, let's get on with it." "( men complaining )" "Hold it, hold it, you have pay piling up back home, right?" "Be nice if we could live to spend it." "Look, get in touch with the underground tonight." "We're going to need some planning." "Tell them to send Olga-- she knows the layout." "All right." "Krauts are inspecting the barracks." "They're headed this way." "All right." "Attention!" "At ease!" "General, this is Colonel Hogan, senior POW officer." "Hogan, this is General von Treger." "These is quite an experience for me, Colonel." "I don't often meet the enemy face to face." "Don't worry, General, you will." "Hogan!" "Now, General, these barracks here are more or less typical." "Typical of what?" "Silence!" "Seems to be very cozy." "Yes, sir, it does have sort of a homey feeling about it." "Same interior decorator did the main Berlin sewer." "I didn't know that." "Schultz!" "By the way, General, this man here, Corporal LeBeau is an excellent cook." "I have ordered him to prepare one or two special meals for you while you're here." "You did?" "Oh, yes, you did." "Good." "Perhaps Colonel Hogan would join us for dinner?" ""Join us"?" "!" "That's what I said." "Yes, sir, General, that's exactly what I had in mind." "Excellent." "Perhaps after dinner, we could have a rubber or two of bridge, eh, Colonel?" "Thank you, sir." "Auf Wiedersehen." "( clicks boots )" "Auf Wiedersehen." "Auf Wiedersehen." "Auf Wiedersehen." "Auf Wiedersehen." "Auf Wiedersehen." "Auf Wieder..." "NEWKIRK:" "Colonel, are you going to eat with those Krauts and play bridge with them?" "At least we'll know where they are when we blow that plant." "LeBeau, what are you going to have on the menu?" "Mm, maybe beef Stroganoff." ""Beef Stroganoff"?" "With the trouble they're having on the Russian front, you'd give them beef Stroganoff?" "That's cruel." "Oui, I know." "The convoys come down the Hammelburg road then turn here to the plant." "The last checkpoint is there." "So if you wanted to latch onto the convoy as a late-comer the logical place would be right here, huh?" "Yes, where they slow down for the turn." "All right, Newkirk, Carter, study the map." "You're going to be driving a German truck filled with dynamite." "Here's where you join the convoy." "Well, suppose they won't let us in?" "Well, the Krauts can't be as unfriendly as that, for Pete's sake." "Andrew, I'm going to miss you after the war." "Kinch, can you get us a truck from the Kraut Sergeant in the motor pool?" "Ten cents a mile." "This one won't come back." "Well, we'll give him 12¢ a mile and our apologies." "If he squeals on us, he squeals on himself." "Okay." "Now, here's the way it goes:" "Carter, Newkirk, you wait in the woods till the convoy passes." "You set the timers on the dynamite and you swing into line." "You drive into the plant with the rest of them, you leave the truck and take cover." "How do we get away?" "You read my cowardly mind." "When the truck blows, you should be able to get out in the confusion." "What if there isn't enough confusion?" "I never said this wasn't going to be dangerous." "Colonel, we're going to driving a truckload of dynamite into that bloody chemical plant." "We could easily get ourselves blown up." "And I'm going to be playing bridge with a roomful of Krauts." "I could very easily be bored to death." "To General von Treger, prosit." "Prosit." "Prosit!" "Schultz..." "He got carried away with emotion, sir." "I'm told there's never been an escape from this place." "Is that true?" "I'm happy to say it is, sir." "We'd be hurt if he tried." "( laughs )" "( laughter )" "LeBeau, LeBeau!" "More wine, quickly, Cockroach!" "VON TREGER:" "Very good, excellent." "KLINK:" "Thank you, General, thank you, thank you." "O, monsieur, your beef Stroganoff is sheer poetry." "Klink is an animal, the worst Boche of an animal that ever lived!" "That's also poetry." "I may kill him tonight with my bare hands if I ever get the chance." "Don't worry about the dishes," "I'll take care of them." "All clear." "Okay, Carter, let's get cracking." "VON TREGER:" "Ah..." "I deal." "Gentlemen, I must tell you in advance," "I'm not the greatest bridge player in the world." "Have you ever played with grownups before, sir?" "CAPTAIN:" "He's probably an expert." "Right, he may take us all to the cleaners." "Uh, General, don't you think you ought to put Hitler in your wife's name?" "( laughing )" "( brakes squeak )" "Take it easy, Carter, this thing's loaded with dynamite!" "Sorry." "I hope I didn't spill any." "Four clubs." "I double." "You sure you mean clubs, Commandant?" "Of course I'm sure." "Those are the little black ones with the knobs on the end." "Prosit." "( telephone rings )" "I pass." "Commandant Klink's quarters." "Oh, it is for you, Herr Kapitän." "Excuse me." "Mm-hmm, yeah, sure, yeah." "Ja." "Ja, all right, hold on." "Herr General, the convoy's at the final checkpoint." "Any change in orders, sir?" "No, I think not." "Have them proceed." "Jawohl, Herr General." "Frau Müller, the general's orders are to..." "Uh, Captain." "Wait." "Have all identification numbers on the trucks changed for tonight only." "The numbers should begin with 100." "Jawohl, Herr General." "Müller, change all code numbers before proceeding." "Add 100 to the beginning of each number." "Repeat the order." "Just a little added security." "Exercise keeps them on their toes." "( laughing ):" "Brilliant, sir, absolutely brilliant." "Oh, I'm sorry!" "How clumsy of me." "You certainly are, Hogan." "Schultz, clean up this mess." "HOGAN:" "I'll get a towel!" "And the real secret is in the sour cream." "Hold it, hold it." "We got troubles." "Von Treger just ordered the serial numbers changed on the trucks." "He can't do that." "Kinch, get on your horse." "You got to reach Newkirk and Carter before they swing into line with that convoy." "Tell them the mission's been scratched." "Okay." "And make it fast, or they swing into line with a firing squad." "KINCH:" "Gotcha." "NEWKIRK:" "Here they come." "Well, it's about time." "All right, get ready to move." "I am, boy." "My palms are sweating, but I'm ready." "All right, go." "( truck starting up )" "Hey, hold it!" "Hold it!" "Kinch, Kinch-- what happened?" "( panting ):" "I think I just ran a four-minute mile." "The mission is scratched." "I didn't use my head, that's all." "It's no good blaming yourself for last night, Colonel, it's done." "I underestimated von Treger." "The mission failed, Colonel, it's finished and that's that." "Right, sir, we can't win 'em all." "Is that what you want, to admit failure?" "To walk away from this thing?" "Give up?" "Forget it?" "Yes." "Yes." "Good." "I'm glad you want to try again." "Now, what's a definite factor we can depend on in this job?" "We don't know what we're doing." "There are two kinds of vehicles that get into that plant without inspection-- the convoy trucks and General von Treger's car." "So we'll let the general blow up the plant for us." "Exactly." "LeBeau is going to prepare another dinner for the general." "Carter?" "Yes, sir?" "I need a couple of empty wine cases." "Empty wine cases, sir?" "Mm-hmm." "I want you to pack them with enough dynamite to start a chain-reaction explosion in the plant." "We'll need a couple of timers set for about 40 minutes." "Can you do it?" "Sure." "Matter of fact, it's kind of interesting for a change." "Good." "You know, ma'am, you get kind of tired working with your average garden-variety-type demolition pack, you know, and your delayed action fuses and things like that." "So when get a chance to use new muscle, you kind of appreciate it..." "HOGAN:" "Carter!" "Empty wine cases." "Olga, we'll need you for this operation." "I'm ready, Colonel." "I want you to wear your best clothes." "Dress as you would for an important date." "Now, the rendezvous point will be right about here." "I want you to stay out of sight until" "General von Treger's car comes down the road..." "Colonel, you did say the general's car?" "Mm-hmm." "General von Treger is going to take that dynamite into the plant for us." "But he's going to be so busy charming one of the local ladies that nobody's going to see his face." "Beautiful strategy, Herr General, beautiful." "He hasn't played a card yet." "The coq au vin was superb, Klink." "Thank you, sir." "I must say, you do yourself well here." "Well, we always try to do our best, sir." "Thank you, thank you, LeBeau." "VON TREGER:" "Mmm, excellent port." "Thank you, Herr General, thank you." "For me?" "With Colonel Hogan's compliments." "Oh, he's so nice." "Ah!" "He always thinks of the little man." "What's that got to do with you?" "Hey, Fritz!" "A little wine?" "Rock-a-bye Kraut." "( soft snoring )" "LeBEAU:" "Ready, Colonel." "HOGAN:" "Let's go." "NEWKIRK ( in German accent ):" "That was an excellent dinner, my good man, danke schön." "Merci." "Bon voyage, Herr Général." "Colonel." "Yeah?" "That stuff won't keep them asleep too long." "An hour, maybe a little more." "That's all we'll need if we're lucky." "If they should wake up and you're not back?" "Tell them to start the next hand without me." "( car starting up )" "Hey, you look smashing, love." "Thank you, General." "Hey, when we get near the plant, you two go into a clinch." "Right, sir." "Not yet." "Just a bit of practice, sir." "You don't need practice." "GUARD:" "Herr General." "Hide your face, Newkirk." "I'll be back in a minute." "Right, Colonel." "Oh, and sir, take your time." "There's no need to rush, you know." "Colonel..." "Now, I told you it might be dangerous." "Yes, Herr General," "I'll take care of it at once." "Guard!" "Get this wine in the office." "And you-- help him." ""Captain Hoganhoffer"?" "Mm-hmm." "What happened to Captain Moss?" "Reassigned to Berlin." "I'm the general's new aide." "Here, put it over on the table." "This is wine for the officer's mess, a gift from the general." "It's not to be opened until the party Saturday night." "The party?" "Goering's birthday, in case you forgot." "Oh, yes, of course, Goering's birthday." "The general would have presented it himself, but he's busy at the moment." "Heil Hitler." "Ring Major Hermann's quarters at once." "( car starting up )" "OFFICER:" "Stop that car!" "I called Major Hermann, the plant commander." "He's coming here to thank the general personally." "Major Hermann is going to show his appreciation personally?" "Putzie, darling, ask them to close the window." "It's chilly." "NEWKIRK ( in German accent ):" "Captain, close the window!" "Drive on, schnell!" "Jawohl, General." ""Putzie"?" "Uh, "Putzie, darling."" "Uh, tell Major Hermann the general was in conference and couldn't wait." "Auf Wiedersehen." "Auf Wiedersehen." "Take care." "Bye-bye." "( soft snoring )" "( door opening )" "Well, how did it go?" "No problems." "The wine's delivered and ticking away." "One for you, one for me." "Okay, let's get them up." "Sleeping like babies." "Yeah." "My baby's still wearing his monocle." "Well..." "I must have dozed off for a moment." "Yeah, I also." "Well, who's play is it?" "Is it mine?" "Colonel, you are still dummy!" "Look at him!" "Not only away from his post, but also asleep on duty!" "That's terrible." "Try this." "Ooh." "( thunderous explosion )" "CAPTAIN:" "What's going on?" "( explosions continuing )" "What happened?" "Gentlemen, I think it's a grand slam." "Ja, ja, I understand, Major" " Moment, bitte." "An explosion at the plant Herr General, touched off a chain reaction and fire." "It's a catastrophe." "It's terrible!" "How bad is it?" "Major Hermann reports the fire is out of control, a total loss." "Pretty good score." "What was that?" "Oh, just talking about the game." "Hogan, we have no time for bridge." "Forget it, the game is over." "Okay." "If you ever need a fourth again, be sure to call me."