"MAN"." "Not sleeping well?" "CHARLES:" "No." "MAN"." "Hard time dealing with reality?" "CHARLES:" "Always." "MAN:" "Feel the world is against you?" "That nobody understands you?" "CHARLES:" "Uh-huh." "MAN:" "Spending a good part of your time daydreaming?" "Rescue fantasies and the like?" "CHARLES:" "Hmm?" "MAN:" "Like you save the day or save a girl from some threat or villain which you can easily overcome." "CHARLES:" "Frequently." "MAN:" "Say, a few times a day?" "CHARLES:" "That's about right, doc." "MAN:" "Very good." "Let's take a look inside." "Can you take your hat off, please, and turn sideways?" "Okay, it looks like about 70 percent of your brain, this whole region here is concerned pretty much exclusively with sex." "You're using about 20 percent of what remains on your desire for power and money." "This small section here is used to deal with bodily functions and also manage your affairs." "Affairs?" "Like balancing your checkbook, mortgage, et cetera." "Right, right." "I get it." "Wait." "I'm looking closer." "I'm seeing an additional area." "An active one, and this is usually the area devoted to close relationships." "I'm noticing an older woman." "Very old." "My grandma." "Right." "And a young man." "That's Kirby, my best pal." "[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]" "[CHATTERING]" "KIRBY:" "Hey, batter, batter, batter." "And a young woman?" "IZZY:" "Charles." " My sister." "MAN:" "I see." "And what is all this?" "What are all these shoes?" "I was trying to block that out." "Well, who do they belong to?" "Ivana." "Why are the shoes all over the floor?" "She threw them there." "Well, I understand, but why?" "Because, uh she was leaving me." "CHARLES'." "I'm still in love with her." "I can't do this anymore!" "I can't believe this is how you treat me!" "[SOBBING]" "You know that's the drawer where I keep all my pictures." "That's the drawer where we keep pictures of us." "I don't want to be in the same fucking drawer as them." "I'm sorry, Ivana." "Can you just believe that I love--?" "[DOOR SLAMS]" "[GRUNTS]" "Oh, fuck." "Typical shit." "[GRUNTING]" "Fuck." "Mother of Christ." "Fuck." "[PANTING]" "[ENGINE REVS]" "[GRUNTS]" "[SIGHS]" "Come on." "[CHARLES YELLS]" "Fuck." "[CAR CRASHES]" "[WATER SPLASHES]" "[WAILING]" "[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]" "WOMAN 1:" "I can not love as I have loved and yet I know not why." "Is the one great woe of life to feel all feeling die?" "He would have loved this." "[CHURCH BELL TOLLING]" "[WHIMPERING]" "WOMAN 2:" "Charlie?" "[WOMAN 2 CHUCKLES]" "[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]" "CHARLES:" "You were great, Penny." "Smart with a cute accent." "PENNY:" "You're all pants and no trousers." "MAN:" "I loved it when you said that." "WOMAN 1:" "And me?" "CHARLES:" "You were a pain in the ass." "But it was worth it." "Magnificent." " Naughty boy." "WOMAN 2:" "You deserve to have your heart broken by her." "CHARLES:" "Is that so?" "[WOMEN CHUCKLE]" "How did it look?" "Great man, just great." "I didn't know you could dance like that." " Was Ivana here?" "Did she see?" " She's here." "She was very impressed." "Was she sad?" " Devastated." "Definitely." " Good." " He's just trying to get my attention." " Ignore him." "He's a total asshole." "This whole dying fantasy thing is ridiculous." "He used to be so sweet." "And charming." "[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]" "[CHILDREN CHATTERING]" "[MACHINE BEEPING]" "Go ahead and unplug it." "I don't want to live." "I don't think I have the ability to fall in love again." "To tell all my old stories." "And spend the time caring." "I guess I'm just gonna end up alone." "IZZY:" "You gotta let your uncle rest, honey." "What did the doctor say about my experience?" "He said death fantasies were pretty normal." " This was not a fantasy." "IZZY:" "Take these pills." "It'll bring your blood pressure down." "Ivana didn't call, did she?" "Forget it." "I keep going over it and over it." " My brain is so tired." " Look." "This came from work." " Maybe that will get you out of your funk." " I can't deal with this right now." "I do hope you're gonna do the cover to my novel when you're feeling better." " Of course I will." " But I don't want any bosomed women." "No?" "Why not?" "What's it about?" "It's about my life, you idiot." " Am I in it?" "Maybe." "Tell me." "Be honest." "You didn't like her, did you?" "There are many things I liked about her." "She had a big personality, a charisma." " She was a bitch." " She was not good for you." " But it was worth it." " Really?" "You don't think so?" "Yeah, you're right." "But how could I resist her?" "Why?" "Because she was young and she had perfect tits?" "That is a sign of health. it has been scientifically proven that" " You're working yourself up." " I didn't make this stuff up." " Maybe you want what you can't have." " And you want what you have?" "I don't have to be here." "I have crud I'm trying to deal with." "You're right, you're right." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "The doctor said you need to relax." "Until we get these tests we don't really know what we're dealing with." "My chest hurts, it's hard to breathe, my left arm tingles." "Isn't that all a bad sign?" "You're fine." "They're gonna patch you up." "You could take a break." "Go to Mexico." "Oh, fuck Mexico." "The beds are hard." "The toilet paper's hard." "It's such a hassle." "Guess what." "My dentist tells me I'm getting a periodontal" " This is a classic mid-life crisis." " Oh, come on, not from you." "I'm gonna give you the number of my therapist." "Hey, I don't need some guy in wingtips to tell me that I'm suffering." "Ah, she hates me." "She doesn't hate you." "She probably just doesn't have time for your bullshit." "And what is the matter with my bullshit?" "And the winner is Charles Swan Ill." "[ALL CHEERING]" "MAN [ON PA]:" "Mr. Swan won this evening in the category of Best Kisser." "He was a nominee..." "[CHUCKLES]" "I'd like to thank the Academy of Sexy Women for honoring me with this award." "I'm deeply moved to be recognized by this extraordinary group of women." "You know, sometimes when I'd be laying out a line of bullshit I didn't think anybody was paying much attention." "[CROWD LAUGHS]" "It should've been the Biggest Asshole award." "You're telling me." "This recognition." "It's personally very gratifying." "[ORCHESTRA PLAYING SOFT MUSIC]" "I don't know what else to say except thank you." "WOMAN:" "Thank you, Charlie!" "[ALL CHEERING]" "CHARLES:" "Hey." "Am I glad to see you." " Hey, you look great." "I thought you were gonna be pale white with drool and a paralyzed claw hand." "Talking out of the side of your mouth." " I didn't think you were gonna make it." " Oh, thanks." "I'm double-parked in an ambulance zone." "It shouldn't be a problem." "[KIRBY GARGLING]" "[CHARLES LAUGHS]" "It is really good to see you." "Thanks for coming by." " Can I ask you something?" " Of course, man." "Anything." "Do I have tits?" "Do you have tits?" "What are you talking about?" "Of course not." "She said I was getting tits." "Are you being honest?" " Heh." " I gotta get in shape, man." "I'm so busted up." "Oh, zing." "Rewind." "Did you guys break up?" "What did you do?" "She didn't want to be in the drawer with the other girls." "Well, obviously." "I totally agree with that." "I have no idea what we're talking about." "She found some old stupid snapshots." "Of your ex-girlfriends?" "Oh, my God, man, that's beginner stuff." "That's a dumb mistake." "Here's what we tell her." "The photos" "She refuses to talk to me." "I'm so mad." "I just hate her." "And then all of a sudden I'll remember something that makes me love her again." "You know, an image will flash into my mind." "Like Halloween." "Right." "I remember I was Carmen Miranda" "She was an Indian." "[ALL CHATTERING]" "Tell me everything." "Favorite food." "Color." "Where you grew up." "First car." "Pizza." "Um, blue." "Kansas City." " More." " More?" "In high school I went to the state finals." "The only I was good at was running and then I started smoking pot." " Heh, that's great." "That's perfect." " Ha, ha." "Come on." "Dig deeper." "More." "When I was 7 and my toothbrush would get old and worn out I would make a little hole in the ground and I would bury it behind my house." "I've been dreaming about you my whole life." "Heh, I'm just a small town girl." "But you, you're the intriguing one." " Did you always do art as a kid?" " Well, I always liked to draw." "My mom encouraged me." "And then I started taking pictures." "I did an album cover for Kirby." "And before I knew it, the thing just took off, turned into a whole business." "I thought I was going to do my paintings, but I did advertising instead." "Welcome to Swan Design." " Heh." " This is where it all happens." "That's Lance, this is Hicks." "[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]" "Come back here." "I want to show you where I work." "Right this way." "[IVANA CHUCKLES]" "Wow!" "You're lucky." "I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do." " Is acting stupid?" " No, you should give it a shot." "IVANA:" "So did you always know what you wanted to do?" "I've always been a daydreamer." "I know that much." "Like when I was young, say, on the bus I'd talk to myself in my head and imagine all sorts of scenarios." "Either with the girls in school or whoever." "So, what would you do?" "It would go something like this:" "You'd be there, and a bad guy would burst in and try to take you away." "Aah!" "Charlie!" "I would reach into my shoe..." "[IVANA SCREAMS THEN PHONE RINGS] ...and pull out a poison dart." "WOMAN [OVER PHONE]:" "Charlie, you in there?" "Yeah, what do you want?" "WOMAN"." "Marnie had a meeting set with you 10 minutes ago." " Not now." "I'm busy." "WOMAN:" "Sorry." "Charlie!" "Oh, my God." "Charlie!" "Charlie!" "And then one hit." "[IVANA SCREAMS THEN MAN GRUNTS]" "Barn." "And then I save you." "[MAN SCREAMING]" "Stay the fuck out." "Heh, oh, my God." "And that's how the rescue fantasy goes." "[SIGHS THEN CHUCKLES]" " Charlie." "You're nuts." " I know I am." "You're nuts." "We've passed the deadline for the pizza redo and they're still not happy with the cheese pool." "CHARLIE:" "Fuck them." "Also we need to get started on Kirby's cover soon." "We really need an idea from you." "Ugh, I'm sorry I just don't..." "I don't have any ideas just yet." "Well, what can I do to help?" "Get a researcher?" "Dig up some scrap?" "Get one of the younger guys to sketch something?" "No, no, no." "Just give me some time." "I'll come up with something." "MARNIE:" "I know you think the new receptionist is foxy but Charlie, I have to be honest." "I don't think she's doing a very good job." "Well, let's not fire her just yet." "I say we give her a second chance." "I know that you're thinking something terrible." "Just get your overactive imagination working on Kirby's album cover, okay?" "[SINGING] Well, I tried rope and twine A corral of barbed wire" "But they kept on escapin' So I built the fence higher" "Why does love need a prison To keep an object of desire?" "[YODELS]" "You know, there was also the mattress thing." "KIRBY:" "Huh?" "She wanted me to get a new mattress because I'd fucked other girls on it." "You know what?" "You guys deserve each other." "You're both crazy." "That's what I told her." "So how about my album cover?" "Any ideas yet?" "I thought it was different with her." "I'm sorry, Kirb." "I can't concentrate." "I think of her every three or four minutes." "I hear you, man, but after some time passes you'll start to forget." "I'd kill to have someone to be in love with." "No, you don't." "She was over it, but I wasn't." " I'm suffering, man." " Sorry, brother." "Then I started to get intuitions that she was seeing another guy." "Those are usually right." "You had no hard facts?" "There was this one suspicious scene partner dude from her acting class." "Right." "And all that late night rehearsal bullshit." "You know, there is one way you can find out, but you can't go back." " What's that?" " You bug her." " Huh?" " You plant a bug." "What do you mean?" "Like tap her phone?" "I can't do that." "Not saying you should." "Just saying there's a guy in my studio, he did." "That's crazy." "I could never do that." "That's beyond the pale." "I agree." " Find anything out?" " He got a divorce." "I'm not surprised." "Let me ask you, Kirb." "Can you love someone--?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Sorry." "Thought I heard something." "Never mind." "Can you love someone what?" "Can you love someone and hate them too?" "You've heard about the battle of the sexes, man." "This is it." "Look at that." "Are you seeing what I'm seeing?" " Let's take a closer look." " Mm-hm." " Is she looking at me or you?" " Howdy, ladies." "I'd say we could both use a bath." "[KIRBY CHUCKLES]" "KIRBY:" "Isn't that weird to get clean in such dirty water?" "[ALL WHOOPING]" "KIRBY:" "Go, go, go!" "God damn honey trap." "Sleazy bitches." "KIRBY:" "Here!" "[KIRBY GRUNTS]" " You hit?" " Unh." "No, but I think I might have pulled a muscle." " You got a gun?" " No, I thought you did." "Shit." "No gun." "Guess we're gonna have to lasso them." "Stupid lasso." "Fuck!" "We're outnumbered." "These women are really on a Warpath." "Well, partner, you can dig a hole and crawl into it or you can face them like a man." "Are you a man?" "Of course I am." "Show me." "Just aim and squeeze." "Ivana, can't we just talk?" "[MOUTHS] No." "[GRUNTS]" "I'm hit." " Clean through the heart." " Savages." "You got any whiskey?" "[CHARLES PANTING]" "Bite down on this." "All right, this is gonna hurt." "Unh." "[ALL SCREAM]" "Oh, God!" "Heh." "[GROANING]" "[GRUNTS]" "WOMAN:" "It shouldn't hurt that much." " Well, it does." "You can put your gown back on." "The doctor will bring the results." "I'm sorry to bug you here, but I told Izabelle that I needed to see you." "Everything okay?" "Not really." "All right, first I need to get you to sign this extension." "Okay, that bought you a few more weeks." "It's that bad?" "Uh,yeah." "All right, now, um." "Basically running on fumes." "Now, you're feeling okay, right?" "I think so." "They're running tests on my heart." "I got these pains, unh." "SAUL:" "Serious?" " Yeah." "All right." "I don't want to bother you now but I've got some bills that I need to review with you." "Okay, there's this one." "Samurai Helmet, 15,000 dollars." "You can't afford that." "I'm gonna return it." "But I have some work coming in." "Maybe coming in." "You just don't have any money." "Can we sell those old coins I bought?" "[SAUL CHUCKLES]" "We already did that." "All right, there's another new one that's, ahem..." "All right, ahem, a tow truck company had to rent a crane, ahem to remove a car from a record producer's swimming pool." "What the fuck is that?" "Sorry." "Can't we do one of those insurance things with that?" "It's just not done, Charlie." "It's just not done." "And after yesterday I'm thinking you're incredibly irresponsible not to have a will." "Hey, hey, it's, heh, not what I need to hear right now." "You okay?" "You suddenly seem a little tense." "No." "I'm a mess." "Can we make this about me for a second?" "Well, of course." "I spent the day looking at shitty apartments." "Things between me and Karen are kind of fucked." "Hey, I'm so sorry." "We've been together 22 years, man, 22 years." "I'm sorry to be acting like this." "No, no." "Hey, look, why don't you, uh...?" "Why don't you stay at my place while I'm still here?" "Lupe can make you some nice soup, you can relax." "Thanks, Charlie." "I might just take you up on that." "You've been good to me." "I was gonna say the same thing." "[CHILDREN GIGGLING]" "CHARLES:" "I think I heard she looks something like this." "No?" "KID 1:" "Uncle Charlie, what are you doing, heh?" "CHARLIE:" "Are you sure?" "KID 1:" "I'm sure." "CHARLIE:" "Are her boobs bigger?" "KID 2:" "Please." "No way." "CHARLES:" "I heard from your morn that when she picks you up this is what she sees." "No way." "I'm back." "Music in the hospital is forbidden..." "...but I told them you needed it for work." " Good thinking." "All right, boys, here we go." "Set it up." "Remember, two 500s, two hundreds, two fifties, six twenties, and five of the rest." " I'm the top hat." "IZZY:" "I'm the dog." "KID 2:" "I want the dog." "We don't have time." "Guys, we gotta go." "Come on." "I'm not going to be the policeman." "Out in the hall." "Hey, listen." "The doctor, who's very handsome he's gonna call me as soon as he gets your results." "I'm not worried." "I know you're gonna be fine." "Thank you, Izabelle." "I don't ever get to see you and the kids as much." "Yeah." "Me too." "Hey, hey, listen." "Saturday is Granny's 95th birthday party." "If you die before she does it will be pathetic." " Get your shit together." " Heh." "Hey, Iz." "What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?" "IZZY:" "Me!" "[SIGHS]" "MARNIE:" "Charlie, we are all pulling for you to recover quickly." "But also we're needed you and hoping you return soon." "Just a few things." "For the Christmas party everyone's into the idea of formal 30's, so it's going to be black tie." "I'm thinking it's okay to spend about 10 dollars each on gifts for the employee's kids." "Let me know if you disagree." "Saul said he already spoke with you, but that he was serious about the will." "Let me know if you need any help with that." "Best, Marnie." "I, Charles Swan Ill, being of somewhat sound mind and body do hereby make my last will and testament." "Coco, my toucan, should go to the best possible zoo with an appropriate fund to care for her." "She must have the best." "My Paddock 565 can be sold for this purpose." "My personal effects, artwork, clothing, are to be disbursed handled, executed, whatever, by my sister Izabelle." "I would also like that my sailboat be repaired and donated..." "No." "No, it should be burnt and sunk in the harbor." "Hold on, heh." " Come on, sweetie." "It's time to go." " Come on, Charlie." " Ouch." "CHARLES:" "Let's get you home, girlie." "[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]" "You're a big fake liar." "I know that diaphragm wasn't there before." "Well, whose diaphragm was it?" "Maybe Mabel's, or it could have been that French gal from ages ago." "Shit." "I don't know." "It doesn't matter." "It's like she was already over it, and then just waiting for me to fuck up." " And then poof." " It just takes that one little extra push." " First they spot somebody else." " Then they wait for you to fuck up." "Then they split." "Sharon did the same goddamned thing to me." "Remember?" "It's like she was always trying to bust me." "I've got a whole theory about that." "It's on my record." "One moment I'd do anything to get her back, and the next I just wanna..." "I just wanna kick her." "I know that's not a classy thing to say" "Want to hear my new bit?" "It's funny." "It talks about all this shit." "Listen." "You got anything for my cover yet?" "I got the old noodle working on it." "Play it." "It'll help me get some ideas." "Now, we've all heard a lot about women's intuition." "But what a lot of you don't know is that there is an organization called the SSBB." "The Secret Society of Ball Busters." "[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]" "Don't fucking laugh, man." "My old lady, who I just broke it off with, happened to be a charter member." "Now, the problem is they're sharing information." "[IN FEMALE VOICE] "Yes." "I'd like to report a man who's cheating on me." "Yes." "Curly hair, 5 foot 7." "Yes." "He is Jewish." "Oh, my God."" "[IN NORMAL VOICE] And it's like this." "They have a network of surveillance gear which they use to bust the asses of the guys that are on their shit list." "[ALARM SOUNDING]" "What's going on?" "We're picking up a pattern of indiscretions." "Shit." "Pull up the report." "Not these two turkeys again." "What'd they do this time?" "[MACHINE BEEPS]" " What the fuck are those assholes doing?" " I told you." "They're dogs." "I need visuals on five!" " Zooming in." " Tighter." "Engage audio enhancement." "Just pour your phone number into my coffee." "Look at me." "Don't break eye contact." "It's bad luck." "Well, if I can't get your phone number, then you should take mine." " Go hot." " Coordinates three-two-niner." " Prepare to fire." " Roger." "Standing by." "And, fire." "CHARLES:" "What the fuck is this?" "KIRBY:" "Jesus." "[TIRES SCREECH]" "Get in here now!" "Move your asses!" "KIRBY:" "Fuck!" "God." "What the hell was that?" "That was pretty close." "Those harpies can eat you alive." "Who wants popcorn?" "They got away." "We have to scramble the chopper." "Doesn't fit." "They don't fit." "The bullets are too small." "Do you think the guns are too big?" "Sorry I didn't sit by and let them eat you for breakfast." "Who are you?" "I'm with Counter SSBB." "You two were about to be terminated." "Let's hit it." "You ever notice how it's the dog that cowers that gets smacked?" "The one that growls on its hind legs can take a leak wherever it wants." " Right." " So, what now?" "[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER RADIO]" "[CHUCKLES]" "The next sound you hear is gonna be the strafing of the .50 cals." "Because they're coming after us." "With the whirlybirds." "[HELICOPTER ENGINE REVVING]" "Damn it." "They're good." "WOMAN"." "Stop the vehicle or we will open fire." "They're really goddamn good." "[MIMICS GUNFIRE AND AUDIENCE LAUGHS]" "I'm into it." " Really?" "You like it?" " I love it." "Sorry to interrupt." "Hey, I'm a big fan by the way, Mr. Star." " Thanks, doc." " Got my test results?" " Should I split?" " No." "Stay." "Please." "Great news." "The symptoms you've had can be a sign of myocardial infarction, a heart attack." "However, you'll be happy to hear that your chest pain's merely pyrosis." " Heartburn." " That was not heartburn." "The inflammation of the esophagus can be very painful." "I'll give you a list of foods to watch out for." "And I've always found that this works quite well." "Turns?" "That's it?" "Congratulations, Mr. Swan." "How about my brain." "Did you run any tests on that?" " So I'm okay to go?" " Hundred percent." "Good luck." "Keep an eye on the stress." "Hey, by the way, I really dig that comedy bit." " Thanks." "Do you wanna hear the rest?" " In the car, Kirby." " Can you drop me home?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "KIRBY:" "Hey." "Get some rest." "Okay?" "CHARLES:" "Thanks, Kirb." "What is your problem?" "It's easy." "You take the pictures and then you put them in the garbage can." "I put them in the drawer so you wouldn't see them." "That's just crap from my past." "What the fuck you going through my stuff for?" "I was looking for the picture of us." "Come on." "You know that's the drawer where I keep all my pictures." "I don't wanna be in the same fucking drawer as them." "I'm sorry, Ivana." "Can you just believe that I love you?" "How can I believe anything you say?" "What now?" "The whole diaphragm thing?" "I thought I explained that." "I thought you forgave me." "[SIGHS]" "Tsk, I'm sorry, Ivana." "I really am." "[WATER RUNNING]" "[PERSON MOANS]" "[WHISPERS] Sweetie?" "Hey." " Hey." " Hmm." "Jesus." " Saul?" " You're not in the hospital." "Aw, shit." "I forgot." " I'm sorry." "I'll go." " No, no, no." "No." "Stay." "Go back to sleep." "I can't sleep." "I can't do anything." " I know." " Heh." "You Okay?" "Uh..." "I love my wife." "But she's so heart..." "Hard, ahem, to live with." "She wants me out." "She's decided." "And that is the deal." "Don't you think deep down Karen wants it to work?" "You guys have been together forever." "And the kids." "She's been unhappy." "Kind of like she was just waiting." "You know, waiting for the kids to get a little older." "Waiting for me to lose almost all desire for her, whatsoever." "Did she lose patience with you?" "Ivana started losing patience with me, man." "Oh, yeah." "Exactly." "That's the beginning of the end." "I've been thinking about the Greek Isles." "There's so many beautiful girls there." "I wanna be free." "To lay whatever girl who might be interested in a old balding business manager." "Do you ever stop wanting the sexy young ones?" "Hmm." "Desire is about as close to happiness as I'm gonna get." "[MACHINE WHIRRING]" "[m SPANISH]" "[LUPE SPEAKING IN SPANISH]" "CHARLES:" "Hello, my friend." "Come with me you pretty, pretty thing you." "There you go." "[m SPANISH] [m SPANISH]" "Beautiful bird, why aren't you eating?" "[m SPANISH]" "[LUPE SPEAKING IN SPANISH]" "Hi, Stacey." "It's Charlie." "Charlie Swan." "I heard that you called." "Well, don't you think she should call for herself?" "Right." "Uh-huh." "Well, I disagree with you." "What the fuck, Stacey?" "This is crazy." "She can't have her sister do her dirty work for her." "Tell her if she wants her fucking stuff to get her fat ass over here and come get it." "No." "Well, yes, I'm angry." "Only because I still love her." "Well, I can't accept that, especially coming from you." "You don't know what she put me through." "And I still love her." "Look, Stace, I'm sorry I got upset with you." "You just have to understand what I'm going through." "Right." "Right." "Okay." "Will you tell her I'm still thinking about her?" "I don't know if she heard, but I had a health issue with my heart." "Yes, I'm serious." "No, no, no." "I'm fine." "I'm all better now." "Maybe you could let her know I'd like to tell her in person." "Okay." "Okay." "I understand." "But only if you let her know I'm being cool about everything." "Okay." "When you wanna come by?" "Tomorrow is soon." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Her ski stuff's here somewhere." "Mm-hm." "Wait." "Are you telling me she wants her ski stuff because she's going skiing?" "Well, what the fuck, Stacey?" "I can barely even shave in the morning and she's going skiing." "Who's she going with?" "Goddamn it, Stacy." "Don't be evasive." "She's going with a guy." "Isn't she?" "Oh, God." "This is the worst phone conversation I have ever had." "CHARLES:" "Hey." "Oh, no, barnacles." "I'm being attacked by barnacles." "[CHARLES GRUNTS]" "Happy birthday, Grandma." "I brought you flowers." " You look great for 95!" " Who are you?" "[IZZY CHUCKLES]" "I'm Charlie." "I'm your grandson." "I'm Mary's son." "Your daughter." "I'm her baby." "You're her baby?" "You're Charlie." "I know who you are." "You're not a baby." "Oh, I wouldn't be so sure." "WOMAN:" "What?" "CHARLIE:" "She's 95." "I'm just joking, Grandma." "WOMAN:" "Izabelle, are you married?" "Yes." "Grandma, look." "I have three kids, a dog and a husband." "WOMAN:" "A dog?" "CHARLIE:" "She can't hear you." "WOMAN:" "When are you getting married?" "CHARLES:" "Don't give her a hard time." " Grandma, damn it, I'm married." "You're never gonna believe this." "Her sister calls, tells me she's going skiing." "Got to be that actor from her class." "I never should have encouraged it." "Let's not talk about her." "It's over." "Face it." "It's probably for the best." " You never liked her." " That's not true." "She's beautiful." "She's funny." "She's full of life." " I didn't think she was that great for you." " What about that is not great for me?" " Know what?" "This whole thing's boring." " Yes, it is." "It's boring." "Forget her." "You're not the only person, Charles." " What's wrong with you?" " I'm in a bad mood." "I'm sorry." "Why are you wearing those glasses?" "Did Martin hit you?" " No." " Because I'll kick his fucking ass." "Martin did not harm me." "He's not capable of that." "Tsk." "Oh, Iz, what happened?" ""Dear Miss Swan, we regret to inform you that the Orpheum Press is electing not to publish your manuscript."" "Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry." "Sweetie, there are other publishers." "They're the one that I wanted." "They published my last book." "Oh, they're stupid." "I am so..." "I'm so disappointed." "[SOBBING]" "Come here." "It's okay." "Don't cry." "Don't cry." "I'll beat them up for you." "[SIGHS]" "[DOOR BUZZES]" "[KIRBY PLAYING PIANO]" "KIRBY [SINGING]:" "Where?" "Oh, where is my pizza?" "Where's my pizza?" "I ordered it an hour ago" "Where's my pizza?" "Hey." "Everybody, in case you don't know this man this is Charles Swan Ill, the dude who was going to do my album cover." "Charles." "I need your help, man." "Charlie, listen to me." "I'm telling you this is a mistake." "I know it is." "It's a mistake I'm gonna make." " You can't go back." " I have to find out what's going on." " I'm spinning out, man." " You don't listen." "Sanchez, grab the case, man." "You don't listen." "What did you mean when you said I wasn't going to do your album cover?" "The label wants to talk to other designers." "It's not what I wanted" " Oh, bullshit." "Are you kidding me'?" " You missed the deadline." "I've never made a deadline in my whole life." "What the fuck, Kirby?" "Don't say fuck to me and don't give me shit about what I can't do." "You're the one acting like a dipshit this whole time." "Fuck you." "No." "Fuck you." "Let me see the goddamn wire tap." "Forget it." "Sanchez, put it back." "No, actually, you know what?" "Lay it on him." "Let the train wreck leave the fucking station." "Why is it so hard to get a goddamn album cover?" "Going down the rabbit hole." "Last time I used this it fucked me up for four months, dude." "All right." "The antenna, you plug it in here." "You keep it as high as you can to get the best possible reception." "This is a transmitter." " Gotta get it within earshot of the bitch." " Don't call her a bitch." "Oh, okay, whatever you say." "Uh, this is a squelch." "It'll give you about 100 yards line of sight." "Uh, um, now, are you sure you want to do this?" "It's all yours." "[LUPE SCREAMS]" "Lupe." "[LUPE SCREAMING]" "[CRYING]" "[BOTH SPEAKING IN SPANISH]" "No, no, no." "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "[SIGHS]" "Now I don't have anything." "[PHONE RINGING]" "CHARLES [ON RECORDING]:" "You dirty rat." "Go ahead and try." "Leave a message at the tone, see?" "[MACHINE BEEPS]" "MARNIE [ON RECORDING]:" "Charlie, it is Marnie." "I haven't heard back from you all day." "Tonight is the Christmas party." "Please don't forget." "Wear your tux." "Goodbye." "STACEY [ON RECORDING]:" "It's Stacey." "I'm coming by to get Ivana's ski stuff and shoes after work." "You can leave it by the garage door, okay?" "Thanks, Charlie." "[MACHINE BEEPS]" "CHARLES:" "Alex, what is wrong with this picture?" "There you go." "My man." "Here." "Keep it." "We're in this thing together, Alex, you and me." "You always take really good care of me." "I really appreciate it." "Thank you." "[SIGHS]" "[SCOFFS]" "[GRUNTS]" "MAN:" "Hey." "Hey." "Hey." "Hey, what are you doing?" "Oh, hey." "MAN:" "Oh, hey, stop, man!" "Stop!" "[G ROANS]" "Hey, Bobby, get down here." "I need some help." "This guy just busted the front door." "[ENGINE REVS]" "MAN:" "Stop." "Stop." "[TIRES SCREECH]" "Damn it." "MAN:" "Hey, stop!" "Come back here." "Hey!" "Hey!" "[TIRES SCREECH]" "Whoa, whoa!" "What the fuck!" "Really?" "How about some of that?" "MAN:" "Asshole." " Taxi." "Taxi." "Taxi." "Thank you." "[SIGHS]" "Hey, man." "Can I buy some drugs from you?" "You know where I can get some coke or some grass?" "Heh,no." "But I have a friend who sells caviar." "Beluga, from Russia." "Perfect." "Take me there." "Yay!" "[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]" "Eight hundred bucks?" "Wow." "This shit better be good." "It's the best." "Beluga from Caspian Sea." "I brought here myself." "Only the best for me, right?" " Heh." " Only the best, heh." "Hey, oh, here." "Thank you." "[MAN SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN] [m RUSSIAN]" "[MAN SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]" "I want to get drunk." "[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]" "MAN:" "You seem like you already are." " Bullshit." "Mm." "Oh, yeah." "Mm, mm." "Oh, yeah." " Heh, do you like it?" " Great." "CHARLES:" "Exactly." "See, you get it." "That's why I'm so mad at her." "She never gave me a chance to explain." "Okay, yeah, yeah." "Just keep going." "[SIGHS]" "God, I'm an asshole." "What I'm about to do can never be forgiven." "You're not going to hurt somebody?" "Maybe somebody hurt me." "Did you think of that?" "Maybe somebody hurt me." "Get out of here!" "No, no, heh, ha, ha, look, look." "It's just a headphone." "It's fine." "It's fine." "Everything's fine." "Just keep going." "Here." "More vodka?" "Here's 100 bucks." "I want you to wait right here." "I'll be right back." "Here's more." "[STATIC SOUNDING OVER RECEIVER]" "Fuck." "Prickle." "IVANA [OVER RECEIVER]: --taught me about passion, about truth." "STEPHEN [OVER RECEIVER]: [thought I'd never be able to" " To feel again." "Then you came into..." "And now that you're in my arms I'm never gonna let you go." "IVANA:" "Do you see that?" "[OVER RECEIVER] There's someone outside the..." "Outside the window, behind that tree." "Oh, my God." "It's my ex-boyfriend behind that tree." "[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]" "Charlie?" "Who is this guy?" " Who am I?" "Who are you?" " Stephen, go back inside." "So this is time alone?" "Act one, scene two." "We're rehearsing, you idiot." "Buddy, she wants you to leave her alone." "We're working." "Are you asking me to kick your ass?" " Oh, my God." " I studied Wing Chun." "Shut up and just go inside." "What are you doing here?" "Trying to find out the truth." "And now I know." "You're going skiing with him." "Are you drunk?" "What's with the headphones?" "You loved me in the beginning." "Don't you understand?" "I don't want to be with you anymore." "And yes, I'm going skiing with Stephen." " I didn't change." " That's your problem." "You loved me before and then you just changed your mind?" "I don't know what you want me to say to you." "You're crazy." "You're selfish." "Go away." "It's over." "How could you be so sweet to the toothbrushes and such a bitch to me?" "What are you talking about?" "You know, Ivana, I was thinking." "It was kind of a sad thought." "I'll meet someone and it won't be you." "And I'll fall in love with her and I'll have kids and a happy family and then I won't love you like this anymore." "And I'll miss it." "And I'll miss you." "I can't bear not loving you." "[SIGHS]" "It will really be totally over between us." "[SOBS]" "And then much later I'll see you again and you'll have grown older, and I'll be old." "And I won't even care." "You'll just be a wrinkly old lady with gray hair." "And I won't even care anymore." "I don't want to not love you." "Come here." "I could tell you that I hate you." "That you mean nothing to me." "And part of it's true." "But part of it's not." "Thank you for everything that you gave me." "Our experiences, the times we've had." "Even the bad ones." "It all adds up to my life." "Me too." "Good bye." "You know, I always imagined a much different ending for us." "Of course you did." "I'd be in a tux, like this." "And a spotlight would come on." "And you'd enter stage right in a sparkling gown." "[BOTH SINGING IN SPANISH]" "Mwah!" "Hey, I want to get my shoes back." "Okay?" "Oh, yeah, of course." "Your shoes, you got it." "[PEOPLE CHATTERING]" "[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]" "Merry Christmas, everybody." "[RAGTIME MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]" "Ho-ho-ho, Merry Christmas." "There we go, try some of that." "Merry Christmas, good to see you." "Hi, sweetie, Mwah." " You made it." "CHARLES:" "Yes, I did." "BOY:" "Uncle Charlie." " Merry Christmas." "Hey, there they are, whoa." "Ugh, barnacles." "Aah, help, I'm being attacked by barnacles." "[GRUNTS THEN CHUCKLES]" "Hey, Charles." "Mwah, Merry Christmas." " Merry Christmas, sis." " Thank you." "For what?" "I have fucked up so much recently." "I heard about what you did." "Thank you for sticking up for me." "The cops came looking for you." "I told them your car was stolen." "Oh, quick thinking." "Tomorrow I'll take you to impound to pick it up." "You're crazy, but I love you so, so much." "I love you so much." "Is, uh, is Kirby here?" " There they are." " Charlie." "Merry Christmas." " Oh." "It's so great to see you two." "Swan, I ran your numbers again." "And things are not as dire as I thought." "So there's hope for me?" "There's always hope." "Hear about Karen and I?" "Going to Greece for Christmas." "Saul is so sweet." "He put the plane tickets in my cereal box." "SAUL:" "What do you think of that?" "Merry Christmas, Kirb." "I love you, man." "Happy Hanukkah, Charlie." "I love you too, brother." "[BOTH LAUGH]" " Holy shit." "CHARLES:" "What?" "I think I'm in love." "I just met this girl over there?" "I think she's perfect." " You think she's the one, huh?" " I think she could be." " That's fantastic." " Yeah." "Folks, listen up." "We have some business to discuss in the conference room if everyone can please head in there now, chop chop." "Including you." "I've been asked to present this gift by the employees of Swan Design to honor a very special person." "To know him is to be exasperated by him." "[ALL LAUGH]" "Ladies and gentlemen, little Charlie Swan Ill Junior." "Which I guess makes him Charles Swan IV." "[ALL CHUCKLE]" "[ALL LAUGHING]" "I have an idea for your album cover, it just popped in my head." "Yeah?" "What is it?" "It's everything." "Everything plus the kitchen sink." "[SIGHS]" "Morning." "Looking good." "How are we doing?" "MARNIE:" "You have to figure it out." " Hey." "Looking good." " Excellent." " Looking sharp." "How are you feeling?" " Great." "Great." "[ALL CHATTERING]" "[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]" "I'm Charlie Sheen and I play Charles Swan Ill." "I'm Jason Schwartzman and I play Kirby Star." "I'm Katherine Winnick and I play Ivana." "I'm Bill Murray." "I play Saul." "I'm Patricia Arquette." "I play Izzy Swan." "I'm Liam Hayes and I wrote the music." "[SINGING] I'm so happy that you're finally free" "You jumped the fence But you didn't take me" "I'm in this jungle here all by myself" "I got this song and not much else" "Violet voyage on an endless sea" "You couldn't stay and I couldn't leave" "But if I had to do it all again" "I'd love you twice as much As I did then" "So much music"