"♪ ♪" "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome" "Billy gardell." "Very nice." "Hi, how are you tonight?" "All right." "Welcome to bonkerz comedy club here at the Plaza hotel in downtown las Vegas." "Give yourself a round of give yourself a round of applause for coming out tonight." "Thank you for being with us." "We have a great show in store for you." "I got three great road dogs for you." "This show is a platform for veteran comics." "There's no categories, just guys and girls that have been doing it for 15, 20 years, and they're the best in the business." "Give them a round of applause." "Let them know you're ready to see them tonight." "The road dogs are here." "I myself love coming to Vegas, and, uh, I love it, man." "I love the energy." "I love walking through the casino, you know?" "Casino, you know?" "I love hearing those noises in the casino, you know?" "The..." ""Fuck!"" "That's the only thing, huh?" "I was out on that fremont street." "Boy, they-they'll just drink anything out on fremont street." "You can just be walking around with a gas I.V., nobody will say shit to you." "It's unbelievable to see everybody walking around with those Tequila shooters, man." "Yeah, see, no matter where you say the word "Tequila" on this planet, somebody in the room will go..." "You can be in Hong Kong, walk up to a Japanese guy." ""Tequila?"" ""That shit fuck you up."" "You can drink as much as you want in Vegas." "Nobody says anything." "I live in Los Angeles." "It's the exact opposite." "You know, you have more than four beers in L.A., somebody in the room will go, "he has a problem."" "And four beers ain't a problem." "Waking up naked, chained to a goat, that's a fucking problem." "You should be careful when you run into people out here, too, you should come in..." "You should approach them by what they're drinking." "That's how you know what kind of mood they're in, you know what" "I mean?" "If they're drinking something if they're drinking something fruity or something, you know, a beer, that's okay." "You see a guy drinking brown whiskey, leave him alone." "He's working some shit out." "You ask somebody with a" "Margarita, "hey, how you doing?"" "They're like..." "You ask somebody drinking Jack" "Daniels, "hey, how you doing?"" ""She fucking left me, okay?" "!" "Goddamn it, I'm just trying to work it out!"" "That's the problem with Jack" "Daniels." "That used to be my poison, man." "The problem with Jack Daniels is you drink too much of it, it'll start talking back to you." "Start talking back to you." "Just be, "you the only one who understands me, Jack."" "Couple drinks later, it's like," ""psst, I think you can take those cops."" ""I think you're right, Jack."" "You drink too much brown whiskey, that "s" appears on your t-shirt... for "stupid."" "Find yourself in the middle of a backyard barbeque." ""I'll do a triple flip with a half gainer."" "About halfway through the dive, you're like, "oh, shit." "You're like, "oh, shit." "This ain't the neighbor with the pool."" "Ah, those were my younger days." "I think, in my younger days, of all the stupid things I did, I think marijuana was probably the least dangerous, right?" "Can we all agree on that?" "That's the one that gets you in the least trouble, you know?" "I said that in a show when I was in my 20s in Washington, D.C." "There was a guy there from the" "DEA." "Yeah, he stands up, he goes," ""you better watch out, young man;" "We're coming down on potheads again."" "I said, "well, I guess them crack addicts are too fucking quick for you guys, huh?"" "Quick for you guys, huh?"" "Who can't catch a pothead?" "Never read about a crime wave of potheads sweeping the nation." ""We were gonna rob the bank, but" "Jimmy couldn't find his keys, man."" "What's a pothead gonna take from you, a sandwich?" "Roll up on you with a nine millimeter." ""Give me the ham and cheese!" "Now hold my gun."" "I'm starting to feel like an old man when I talk about marijuana, too." "Too." "You know in California, they have pot stores." "Stores." "You just go in and get it." "And I feel like an old man when" "I tell them, like, "goddamn it, when we were getting high, we had to go drive to the dealer's house." "We had to wait until he woke up, listen to two hours of shitty music before he'd give us a bag."" "When I was young, you just hit a joint, you giggled, you go to the movies." "Now they make it too strong, right?" "They involve science." "Now you take a hit off pot, and you're like, "I don't know my you're like, "I don't know my name and I hear my heart." "What the fuck?"" "When we were getting high when I was a kid, there was always one kid who would say some shit that you weren't really sure if it was true, but that's all you could think about." "Our buddy was Eric, and he'd be like, "yeah, man, you know our forefathers used to smoke marijuana."" "And then he'd leave." "So now I'm thinking about that." "I'm thinking, "which one..." "Oh, had to be Ben Franklin." "He flew a kite in the lightning."" "Lightning."" "How high are you?" "You hit a joint, talking about..." ""Give me your keys." "I think I can harness the power of the sky."" "You know his buddies were like," ""fuck it, I'll watch." "Go ahead, man."" "Washington and Jefferson were watching him from the white house, going, "he's gonna fucking do it!"" "You know it's time to quit smoking pot when all you watch is the discovery channel, right?" "Is the discovery channel, right?" "'Cause you get so high, you can't focus on anything else on" "TV." "Just like, "nothing, nothing" "Hey, bees are building a house."" "You start doing the voices of the bees, the workers." ""Out of my way, asshole." "I'm late."" "The union bees are punching in." ""Nobody piss the queen off today." "She got a bug up her ass." "I got to work in this fucking place all day."" "Great, that's in my head all day." "And nowadays, man, nowadays I don't do anything." "Nothing." "I don't drink, I don't do drugs." "All I got left is cheeseburgers." "All I got left is cheeseburgers." "But the upside of that is I've never eaten a cheeseburger and told a cop to go fuck himself, so that's not too bad, huh?" "I'm just trying to get healthy, but I'm doing it late in the game, you know what I mean?" "Since my TV show started, I lost 50 pounds, right?" "No, don't..." "No, don't clap, 'cause I don't give a fuck." "They're just trying to keep me alive 'cause it's a hit." "You understand?" "If that show was number 98, they'd be feeding me cigarettes and pizza every day." "I know what's going on here." "But they made me go out and get a trainer to keep me alive, a trainer to keep me alive, right, and I had to interview all these trainers, and I had to get a tough guy." "I got a guy from Romania." "It's like training with fucking the count Dracula guy from sesame street." ""You have two more reps." "Two more reps."" "The guy has no emotion, 'cause I didn't want one of those happy." "L.A. assholes, you know." ""Hi, Billy!" "How are you?" "!"" ""I'm thinking about fucking backing over you with my car, that's how I am."" "This guy doesn't give a shit." "Day one he terrified me." "He put me on a treadmill." "I hadn't been on a treadmill in ten years, and he hits the ten years, and he hits the button, and it starts going, then he hits that button where it starts elevating, and I go," ""uh, uh, should I be wearing a heart monitor?"" "He goes, "no, if it stops, you stop." "Let's go;" "Quit fucking around."" "See, the mortality bell has rung for me." "I am in my 40s." "I'll be 44 this year, you know?" "You're not supposed to say that in Hollywood, but I don't give a shit." "I shouldn't be where I'm at anyway." "But you really start to feel mortal in your 40s, right?" "That's when you realize, "shit," "I'm a human." "Uh-oh, I got to start taking care of myself."" "'Cause in your 20s, you're 'cause in your 20s, you're bulletproof, right?" "Your 20s, you run into your buddies, you're like," ""Let's do another shot!"" "In your 40s, you're like, "how much sodium is in that?" "I can't have a lot of sodium." "I don't eat a lot of salt."" "When the fuck did I become afraid of salt?" "In your 20s, you run into your buddies, all you talk about is chicks, cars and bars, right?" "In your 40s, you run into your buddies, you're like, "have you ever had a rash on the inside of your ass that looks a little bit like Cuba?" "Tell me you had that!" "Tell me you had that!" "I think I'm fucking dying!"" "You know?" "You know you're getting old when you hurt yourself sleeping." "Right?" "You ever wake up, "what the fuck was I dreaming about?"" "You got to lie to your buddies." ""I was helping a friend move a fridge."" ""Really?"" ""No, I sprained my neck on a pillow;" "It's all going to shit." "I don't know what's going on with me."" "There are cool things about getting old though, right?" "You settle in." "One of the greatest things about getting a little bit older is getting a little bit older is you don't care about being cool anymore, right?" "That's a tremendous relief, isn't it?" "You just don't give a shit anymore." "You know, cool takes too much goddamn energy." "All you care about after 40 is comfort." "I knew I turned a corner a couple weeks ago at the grocery store." "I looked down, dark socks and sandals." "I no longer give a fuck." "How about that?" ""Let's go." "Out of the way, twilight." "I got to get some milk." "Come on." "Get out in the sun." "You look sick."" "In your 40s, you can't fight in your 40s, you can't fight anymore." "Everything hurts." "You're too fat." "All you got left is the old guy flinch." "That's it." "And if they call your bluff, you're fucked." ""Hey, hey, hey, I got a bad back, I got a bad back." "Don't-don't fuck around." "Don't fuck around."" "And I'm married, man." "If you're... if you're married in your 40s, it's a whole different thing about getting in trouble." "You get in trouble for different stuff, right?" "I've been doing my best to get healthy, like I told you, but you can see I'm a big guy, been a big kid my whole life." "Every now and then, I wake up every now and then, I wake up and go, "I'd like to eat something that might kill me today."" "I just have that urge." "Other people have other urges." "I want to eat shitty once in a while, right?" "So, I'm driving around L.A. with my buddy, Joe, and we whip into a kfc, right?" "We order a bucket of chicken." "Disgusting." "Just two grown men eating a bucket of chicken." "Just nose-breathing, just..." "I swear to god, after a while, it started to sound like a gay porno." "It was like, "oh, yeah." "Oh, that's working."" "Oh, that's working."" "And halfway through it, I looked at him and I go, "if my wife asks, we were at the titty bar, you understand me?"" "That's all my time." "You guys ready for the road dogs, you guys?" "What would you say is a key or a secret to winning over a Vegas audience?" "They do come in looking for" ""make me laugh."" "The first thing you have to remember, okay, is they're drunk, broke, pissed and tired." "You're starting out..." "I could've stayed at home for that." "That's right." "You're starting out on that playing field every time, okay?" "You have to connect with them, you know?" "You know?" "And I do the, you know, the gambling material up front, because it's something that they've been doing all day long, and it's most likely not gone the way they thought it was going to go, you know?" "And you become one of them." "You know, and that's how you win that crowd over, and then you have to get into them." "To be honest with you, learned, I think that's how you win every crowd over." " You have to become one of them." " I think that's probably right." "You're gonna love this guy." "I've been friends with him for 20 years." "He's a good man, and he's one of the best I've ever seen." "He works as a regular in" "Atlantic city." "He's a regular here in las Vegas." "Las Vegas." "From Houston, Texas, my dear friend, Mr. don learned!" "Billy gardell, ladies and gentlemen, right there." "So..." "Isn't he great?" "Well, welcome to las Vegas." "Does anybody have any money left?" "No." "It's a great town, isn't it?" "It's the only place in the world, the only business you can walk into where they will give you free drinks to try the you free drinks to try the product." "Free alcohol for playing a game." "Are you taking the free drinks?" "You got to be careful." "I'll tell you what happened to me." "This is a true story." "Years ago, I'm here working." "Before they put the canopy over fremont street, you could park out there." "I went into a casino, started playing the, uh, slot machines." "They started giving me free drinks." "After about 20 minutes, I stagger outside, put $100 worth of quarters in a goddamn parking meter." "Next thing you know, two cops show up." "One of them looks at me, he one of them looks at me, he goes, "hey, what do you think you're doing?"" "I said, "get your own machine!" "I'm trying to win this car."" "Got out of jail about 10:00 the next morning." "They drove me back to my car." "Plenty of time left on the meter." "Went down to work in laughlin a couple of months ago." "Anybody been to laughlin, by applause?" "Have you?" "Yeah." "For those of you that haven't been, let me tell you about it." "It's a place where people in their late hundreds take their parents." "I'm right, aren't I?" "These are the oldest goddamn people left alive on earth." "My first night there, I saw a hooker with a Walker." "You're laughing." "There was a line." "Turns out she's terrific." "Turns out she's terrific." "I had a coupon." "Yeah." "About the fourth time she said" ""who's your grandma?" Is about as much as I could stand." "It's not right." "One night, between shows in laughlin, I'm walking through the casino." "I come across a guy so old he's pulling an oxygen bottle on a cart." "I get up next to him." "He looks over at me, starts to get real excited." "I think he recognizes me from the show." "Turns out I was standing on the turns out I was standing on the hose." "I love to watch people when I come to las Vegas, or any casino" "I work at." "I'm just a people watcher." "And something that I've noticed:" "People get very religious when they gamble." "Do you get religious when you gamble?" "Do you pray over your machines?" "You do, don't you?" "We see you do it." "I'm in a casino, 3:00 in the morning." "Little hispanic lady playing 25-cent video poker." "25-cent video poker." "Puts in her quarter;" "She gets three twos." "Before she presses the button to get that fourth two, she reaches into her purse, grabs a pair of rosary beads." "Crosses herself, rubs the machine." "I'm looking at her, thinking, is god in heaven right now, going, "there's war in the middle east!" "Little Timmy's about to chase a ball into the driveway!" "Well, fuck that." "Juanita needs another deuce!"" "Stop praying." "Stop praying." "It doesn't work." "If praying worked, the casino would hire people to pray against you." "There'd be a room upstairs full of priests and ministers and rabbis, all on their knees, going, "give that bitch a three..." "Lord."" "We have profit-sharing here at the hotel." "I flew here from Houston, and, you know, every time I come here" " I've been coming here 20 years" " I always love getting 20 years" " I always love getting to the airport on a flight going to las Vegas." "You've never seen a happier group of people, have you?" "Everybody's excited, they're on vacation, they have big plans." "They're in the gift shop buying cards to practice their" "Blackjack." "They're playing games on their iPhones." "They're talking about the restaurants they're gonna go to, the shows they're gonna see." "They're delighted." "Now, when I go home from las" "Vegas and get to that airport..." "You know the departure lounge?" "Not so much." "You'll see the people that have been here a little too long." "Been here a little too long." "They're drunk..." "Farting buffet food not wearing pants." "You get on that plane, you realize you're in the quietest place in the world." "Nobody's talking on that plane." "The pilot doesn't even come on." "He knows you're pissed." "The husbands and wives, they're not talking." "They haven't talked for days." "Oh, they'll say a little something when they get back to that home airport, usually that home airport, usually the wife." "Look at the husband and goes," ""no." "You get the fucking bags." "It's the only goddamn thing you didn't lose."" "So..." "I've never been a big winner here." "Never been a big winner at gambling." "I have, however, seen a big winner." "I'll tell you the story." "I, uh..." "I'm at the old Maxim hotel." "Down on flamingo, years ago." "Older gentleman playing the slot machines hits a $2.5 million quarter mania jackpot." "Quarter mania jackpot." "First words out of his mouth," ""Hurry up!" "Write me a check!" "I don't want to miss my bus!"" "Makes you wonder why god takes care of the stupid people, doesn't it?" "I mean, don't get me wrong." "I'm glad the guy won." "But I win that kind of money, you're getting a different answer out of me." "Like, "hurry up, write me a check." "I don't want to miss those six naked virgins carrying my ass back to California in a lawn chair."" "I know how to spend my money." "I know how to spend my money." "So..." "I said Houston is my home, I'm from Houston." "Any texans here tonight?" "Oh, god bless you, that's great." "Nice to have you out." "For those of you that don't know, Houston hosts the world's largest livestock show and rodeo." "Am I right?" "Every year..." "Any rodeo fans here tonight?" "Are you?" "Aw, that's great." "Rodeo sucks." "Rodeo's the only sport in the world where, if it looks like you're about to be killed, they send two clowns to save you." "Clowns as safety personnel." "You don't see that shit in nascar." ""Oh, my god, Jeff Gordon hit the wall in turn four." "There goes bozo and chuckles out to get him." "Bozo's putting out the fire with his big shoe!"" "Only drunken cowboys would even come up with that concept." "You better hope they don't get elected to city council and that crosses over into real life." "Your house catches on fire." "Your house catches on fire." "You call 911." "You're out front, looking for a fire truck." "Goddamn Volkswagen pulls up." "28 clowns fall out of it." "They have no earthly idea what they're doing." "Ten minutes later, they got their water hose hooked up to your gas meter." "It's shooting out 500 feet of fire." "All your goddamn neighbors' houses are burning now." "Most popular event at the rodeo." "What is it, sir?" "Do you know?" "You're a rodeo guy." "Bull riding." "Bull riding." "Bull riding." "That's why you buy the ticket and go." "Yeah?" "You know a lot about bull riding, sir?" "Stay off of 'em." "Stay off of 'em." "Yeah, I've lived in Houston 35 years, I just found out this last year." "Do you know what they do to bulls to make 'em kick, sir?" "They tie their balls in a knot." "That would make you kick, too, wouldn't it, sir?" "Goddamn right, it would." "Are you married, sir?" "Yes, sir." "And your wife..." "Is this your lovely wife?" "Hello, ma'am." "How are you?" "How long have you two been married?" "51 years." "51 years." "51 years!" "Give them a round of applause." "That's great!" "Well, here's a little something for a little later on tonight, ma'am, when you get home." "Okay?" "Wait till he goes to sleep." "You with me?" "Yeah." "Real quiet, reach over and tie his balls in a knot." "He is gonna wake up kicking." "Now, here's where your part comes in." "You climb on his back." "You climb on his back." "Get your one arm up in the air, like that, 'cause you don't want to fall off." "You only got to be up there eight seconds." "Then a horn goes off, and a guy brings you a belt buckle." "For $20, Billy gardell and I will come over and watch." "I'll bring the cowboy hat, ma'am." "Oh, you're in, are you?" "You take the Viagra, sir." "In case those things go south." "In case those things go south." "So... you look like a very healthy crowd." "Anybody work out, go to the gym?" "Take care of themselves?" "Do you?" "Do you?" "Oh, good for you." "I'm married to a very healthy girl, you know." "She's a California girl." "We have a gym in our building downstairs, she goes down there, works out every night." "Comes upstairs the other night." "I'm laying on the couch, drinking beer and eating cheetos." "She looks at me, she goes, "you know what?" "You're getting fat."" "I said, "you're wrong." "I'm already fat."" "I'm already fat."" "She said, "well, you should jog."" "I said, "you see me running, you call the cops." "'Cause I'm being chased."" "So here's what she decides we're gonna do." "We're gonna buy a treadmill." "We're gonna put it in our spare bedroom, and I won't even have to go to the gym." "So the next morning, she drags me down to the treadmill store." "And unbeknownst to me, my wife evidently an expert in health equipment." "Salesman walks up." ""What are you looking for in a treadmill, ma'am?"" "Treadmill, ma'am?"" "She goes, "well, I want automatic incline, variable speed, a heart-rate chest strap monitor."" "He says, "sir, what are you looking for?"" "I said, "you got one with an ashtray?" "Maybe something with a ramp to get my big ass up on the treadmill?" "Something that automatically dials 911 when I drop dead and shoot off the back of this goddamn thing?"" "My wife, always trying to buy us something to make us healthier, right?" "Right?" "Couple of months ago, she comes home with a new kitchen appliance that's supposed to change our life." "It's a juicer." "Anybody have one of these?" "Yes!" "Do you have one, miss healthy?" "Do you really?" "Do you use it?" "No, you don't." "How much was it?" "Hundreds." "Over $150." "Ours was $363." "I got fucked, that's what I got, ma'am." "I didn't even know what it did." "My wife goes, "oh, it's great." "You put food in it, it grinds it you put food in it, it grinds it up, then you can drink it."" "I march her ass over to the disposal, said, "get a straw." "It was free, it came with the house."" "I think she just likes to shop." "How many of you women like to shop?" "Yeah." "A little too much, ma'am?" "Probably." "My wife goes to the mall so much, the goddamn mannequins wave at her." "She showed up there one day on a" "Friday." "Friday." "They gave her a paycheck." "A couple months ago, says to me," ""we need a new mattress."" "I don't know what the hell's the matter with the old mattress, but I'm not gonna argue." "We go to a mattress store." "I think we're gonna spend" "$1,200 for a mattress." "Walk in the door, salesman comes up, we tell him what we're looking for." "He goes, "oh, perfect mattress for you folks, sir."" "He goes, "it's made by chattam" "Wells, it's hand-made, hand-sewn." "Only $3,500."" "I said, "you're out of your mind."" "He goes, "oh, no, sir."" "He goes, "with this mattress, if he goes, "with this mattress, if your wife turns over in the middle of the night, you'll never feel her move."" "I said, "let me tell you something." "I haven't felt her ass move in three and a half years."" "For $3,500, I'm looking for a mattress with a little action." "Like one that comes with a hooker named Nicole." "Crazy." "So who's in love tonight, by applause?" "Where are the people in love?" "Are you?" "You in love, sir?" "Are you married?" "All right." "To this lovely lady right here?" "How long you been married?" "We just got married" "Saturday." "Got married" "Saturday." "Wow, that's great, huh?" "Oh, look at them." "51 years!" "Take a picture." "That's what you're heading towards." "You hope so, huh?" "Is it your first rodeo, or no?" "My first rodeo, yeah." "My first rodeo, yeah." "Your first rodeo, yeah?" "God bless you." "Is he a romantic man, ma'am?" "Oh, yeah?" "What does he do that's romantic?" "Dinners, baths..." "Wow, he is romantic." "Send you flowers?" "Brings you flowers!" "Wow." "How many women get flowers from their husbands or boyfriends, by applause?" "Do you?" "How many of you fellas stop and get 'em at the cemetery on the way home?" "They're free at the cemetery." "You can just go pick 'em up." "Nobody cares." "You can even use the cards." "You can even use the cards." "Scratch out, "rest in peace,"" "put in, "I want a piece."" "It's an entire gift package." "Oh, who's been married more than one time?" "Nobody's excited about that right?" "Half of all marriages end up in divorce." "Three people in this room clapped." "I don't think so." "How long were you married the first time, sir?" "Seven years." "God bless you." "Yeah, so this is your yeah, so this is your second one?" "Third?" "Yeah, yeah." "You are stupid." "Yeah." "I'm stupid." "Number five." "Oh, yeah." "I'm a serial husband." "I don't know what the hell goes wrong when I first get married." "Things start out pretty well, but at my house, after about a year, pms pretty much means," ""pack my shit."" "Yes, sir." "Yes, sir." "Tell you one thing my wife and I figured out." "It's hard to get people to come to your fifth wedding." "You got to send out a lot of invitations." "Only your smart-ass friends show up." "We got the wedding presents." "We got a set of towels for a wedding present." "Monograms are hooked on with velcro." "Sent my mom a wedding invitation, she sent a little reply card back, said, "sorry, honey, can't make this one." "Maybe next time."" "Maybe next time."" "After the wedding ceremony, we go back down the aisle, my minister stops me, looks at me, goes, "hey, I'll just stamp your hand."" "So..." "Sex changes after you've been married for a while, doesn't it, sir?" "Oh, it doesn't?" "Wow, what else do you lie about, sir?" "Hadn't changed at all?" "Really?" "!" "Wow, that's great." "Two thumbs up, wow." "So you're having a lot of it." "So you're having a lot of it." "All right, where you getting that?" "She's looking." ""He ain't getting it from me."" "I think it adjusts." "I think the way you go about it changes, right?" "'Cause, right, they got married Saturday." "These people are in love." "It's romantic dinners and movies and candy and flowers." "Guys like me and you, it's," ""hey, I took a shower."" "What do you mean no?" "You saw me getting in the goddamned shower!"" "What you think about women changes as you get older." "Your priorities start to change, right?" "When I was in my 20s, every woman I looked at, the first thing that banged in my head was, "oh, my god, what would she be like in bed?"" "I look at a woman now, I think," ""man, I wonder if she'd get me in and out of the tub if I had a stroke?"" "Aw." "So... my wife and I are blessed, we have a daughter." "She's in college now." "She's 20 years old." "Two years ago, she went on that first spring break at college, you know what I'm talking about?" "Not the one with the family;" "The one where you go to Florida, you rent the beach house, and the boys and the girls go?" "And I got to tell you, that strikes fear in the heart of a father of a teenage girl." "'Cause all of a sudden, you start flipping through that shame rolodex in your brain about what you did to girls when you were in college, and you're scared." "And you're scared." "And I really tried to be the cool dad through this whole thing until the night before she left." "I snapped." "I sat her down, I said," ""you listen to me." "There better be no trouble on this trip." "There better be no drinking, there better be no drugs, and there better be no sex."" "She starts crying, looks at me," ""Oh, my god, I can't believe you'd talk to me that way." "What kind of a girl do you think I am?" "You raised me better than that." "I'm just like mom."" ""Let me tell you about mom." "I had sex with your mother the first night I met her." "In a car." "At a tollbooth." "Traffic was backed up for three miles." "There was a radio helicopter overhead trying to figure out what the problem was." "Every three minutes, one of us popped up, gave that guy in the tollbooth another dollar so we could stay."" "She said, "oh, my god, somebody she said, "oh, my god, somebody was watching?"" "I said, "watching?" "He was working the video camera." "How do you think we got it on Youtube?"" "So, no more kids." "We have dogs now." "Anybody have dogs?" "Do you?" "Oh, yeah, sure." "Wow, you already have a dog, right?" "Married since last Saturday." "What kind do you have?" "You have two dogs?" "You have a stepdog now?" "Yeah?" "Oh, pit bull." "Nobody's following your ass home, sir." "We have a Chinese shar-pei." "We have a Chinese shar-pei." "You know what that is?" "It's that wrinkled dog." "It's that dog with too much skin." "Looks like a scrotum with fangs." "That's the sack your balls are in, sir." "Have you seen one?" "I mean the dog." "About the size of a cocker spaniel." "Got the skin of a great Dane." "My Jewish friend came over, saw the dog, said, "you know," "I think you have him circumcised." "There's a collie in there somewhere."" "Couple of years ago, I'm on the road working, you know," "I'm gone." "It's hard to be a good pet owner when you travel." "Fortunately, my wife takes great care of the dog." "And I come home from my trip," "I walk in the house Monday morning, she's waiting for me in the kitchen." "She hands me a little plastic cup." "I say, "what's this?"" "She goes, "well, the dog got sick." "I took him to the vet." "And the vet says we need to bring him a urine sample from the dog."" "I said, "put him in the juicer." "Bring him the whole goddamned dog!" "What the hell do I know about what the hell do I know about getting a urine sample from a dog?" "I think our dog's pretty smart." "I don't think you could teach ring tin tin to piss in a cup!"" "This turns into the worst week of my life." "I spend the entire week all over my yard like this." "I'm hanging out by trees, hiding behind the fire hydrant." "At night when the dog's asleep," "I'm holding his paw in a bowl of warm water." "Dog pissed on my hand twice." "Finally I said, "the hell with it."" "When I was sure nobody was when I was sure nobody was looking, I pissed in the cup." "We get him out of drug rehab next Thursday." "You guys have been terrific." "Thank you so much for coming out tonight." "You're very kind." "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "All right, one more time, Mr. don learned!" "All right!" "All right, you having a good time?" "All right, well, let's keep the road dogs rolling." "How about-- are you ready for how about-- are you ready for our next road dog?" "I want these guys to hear you every time they come out." "Are you ready?" "You know, I get asked all the time by young comics, you know, "what do I need to do?"" "I said, "well, just get on stage." "If you can do it for five years, you might know why you're on that stage." "And then do another five years, then you might have a point of view."" "Yeah." "You know?" "But some come a little sooner than others, you know, like Eddie Murphy and" "Chris rock." "And then those are the exceptions to the rule." "And then there's us, working our butts off." "Just grinding." "Grinding it away." "Exactly." "It's all about people with me, Billy." "I'm a big people person." "I get that about you, Bob." "Yeah, I can sense that." "I love las Vegas, too." "I love las Vegas, too." "This is so cool that we're in Vegas." "It is, right?" "I stayed at places" "A really bad motel called the El Morocco." "And I know why they call it the El Morocco." "Why is that?" "Well, I went into my room, and it smelled like a camel took a shit." "All right, it is my pleasure to get this guy for this show." "I don't know anybody who represents a road dog as well as this guy." "He works all the time." "He's worked in all 50 states, seven different countries, and he did a show this afternoon at 2:00." "He ain't fucking around." "He's a regular on the tonight show." "Please welcome to the stage" "Please welcome to the stage" "Are you ready" " Mr. Bob zany!" "Okay!" "Wow, thank you." "Thank you." "That was so unexpected." "Thank you." "I hope I can live up to half of that." "God, I love walking around the casino in my suit." "People think I work here." "You know, they come up to me with complaints." "So what I'm doing, I'm signing them comps to the restaurant." "And I want to be there when and I want to be there when they try to turn them in." "And the waiter goes, "hey, who's Hugh jackmeoff?"" "He's the new guy." "I don't want to brag," "I know there's some losers out here, but I did take a nickel today, and I turned it into $10,000..." "That I owe the casino." "Went to the international buffet, I got gas from seven different countries." "Still can't shake Ecuador." "This is the weird part." "It's, like, stuck halfway through me." "Through me." "Get a globe." "Have you seen the guys on the strip giving you those flyers where you can, like, basically get a hooker to come to your room?" "But she's not nude." "She's got a black spot here, here and here." "I'm no expert, but she better have those checked." "Two, three, four." "And what happens..." "If she shows up without those?" "I mean, is that, like, false advertising?" "I was here during the Vegas porn convention." "Porn convention." "You meet your favorite porn stars." "And I thought about this." "I mean, after the comedy show, you'll go up to to one of the comedians, go," ""god, you're funny." "You're the funniest person" "I've ever seen."" "And then you'll notice another comic, go, "oh, and you, too."" "Does that happen to porn stars?" ""I am such a fan." "Nobody takes it up the ass like you." "Oh, and you, too."" "Was that too conceptual?" "Was that too conceptual?" "I was in Atlanta, I got recognized at the airport." "This guy said, "Bob zany," "I love you."" "It was, like, really awkward, you know?" "And he said," ""well, not that way."" "And then it was really awkward 'cause I had to put my pants back on." "Have you seen this at the airport?" "They got massage chairs." "These are chairs, when you sit in them, they will talk to you, and then for a dollar, massage you for three minutes." "And then-- you can't make this up-- it says, "thank you for coming."" "For coming."" "I'm thinking, "how did it know?"" "I was sitting next to a lady." "She had to be in the chair for, like, 45 minutes." "Finally, the chair just said," ""can you come already?"" "Because you women take your time." "I've got shit to do." "The garage isn't gonna clean itself." "I'm kidding." "I go to sleep." "I had to write down the bathroom graffiti in beaumont, Texas." ""I love boners." ""I love boners." "Lizard people are real." "Toy story 2?" "Was okay."" "Who's taking a shit and says," ""I think I'll do movie review"?" "I was in Houston, Texas..." "Are you from Houston?" "Yes!" "Yeah, we were wondering." "What the hell's going on here tonight?" "I don't want any of you to take this the wrong way, but did the trailer park cancel the dance?" "The dance?" "Is that why we're all here?" ""Is it propane tank night?"" "Houston, Texas, they got a place there called finger furniture." "And first time I heard it, I..." "Finger furniture?" "I said, "no, but I once humped an end table."" "I had sex with furniture." "Because it's everywhere." "I was in prestonsburg, Kentucky." "Now, prestonsburg's just down a now, prestonsburg's just down a piece from pikeville." "Has anyone heard of it?" "Yes!" "Oh, you have?" "Yeah, it's the middle of nowhere." "Two hours outside of Lexington." "I drove there from Lexington, 15 miles before I got there, the" "GPS in my car actually said," ""fuck it."" "Now, I got the GPS with the celebrity voice." "It's country superstar Mel tillis." "I keep missing my turn." "He stutters." ""We're gonna turn at f-f-f-f..." "F-f-f-f-f..." "We missed it." "We missed it." "This is a crowd, baby!" "I... and I do want to say this." "I... if I offended any stutterers, that was not the intent, so please do not come up to me after the show to complain." "'Cause I just don't have the time." "I'm dealing with a lot of shit myself, and, you know, that's yours." "Yours." "It's been a rough year, you guys." "I'm-I'm using a new hair-loss product." "As you can see, it's working." "Almost done." "Middle of a divorce." "Someone said, "when did you know it was over?"" "I said, "when she defriended me on Facebook."" "You can't write this shit." "Hell, she hadn't poked me in years." "And it was a rough year." "I've lost a lot of dear friends." "I've lost a lot of dear friends." "I've been in so many funerals." "Always a pallbearer." "Everybody mourns differently." "That's all." "And, you guys, you got to learn from your mistakes in life, too." "You know, it's very important." "I was in jackpot, Nevada." "Anybody from jackpot?" "Have you heard of it?" "It's a casino town, and-and it's on the edge of Idaho." "Three casinos, general store, post office and a trailer park." "And I'm walking through the casino and an older gentleman at the penny slot looked up and the penny slot looked up and said, "hey, Bob zany, what's the joke of the day?"" "I said, "you're a winner."" "'Cause I'm a people person." "I love people." "No, I do." "I truly believe without people, we may not even be here." "I met the overachiever guy, he looked exhausted." "I said, "sir, you should get some sleep."" "He said, "I'll sleep when I die."" "I said, "why don't you go to bed early."" "'Cause then he would be dead." "I had this lady come up to me after the show." "After the show." "She said, "I thought you were very funny in the beginning, but at the end I didn't like you."" "I said, "that's so weird." "I saw you coming over and I thought you were so pretty." "Now, not so much."" "Opinions hurt." "I was walking on the strip, I saw a penny face down." "I'll pick it up." "To me, it's cash." "Drunk homeless guy saw the whole thing." ""Hey, that's bad luck."" "I said, "I guess you'd fucking know."" "I'm going to be telling some jokes a little later on." "I have to get this lecture out" "I have to get this lecture out of the way." "Mannequin monthly called." "You got the cover." "You just happen to be there, sir;" "What's your name?" "Give Bruce a big round of applause, everybody." "Thank you, Bruce." "You're a nice man." "You really are." "Not once did you give me the." ""I got a gun out in the truck."" "Oh, I've done those shows." "Shreveport, Louisiana." "Guy in the audience yelled, "are you a yankee?"" "You a yankee?"" "Now, I never thought about it." "I was born and raised in los" "Angeles, so I said, "well, no, I guess I'm a Mexican."" "De nada, poquito español." "Muchos gracias, mi amigos." "What do you do for a living," "Bruce?" "Chief engineer for chili's?" "In Wyoming?" "Yeah." "Is it better to be the chief engineer in Wyoming?" "For chili's restaurants?" "Penny on the track, penny on the track!" "Is that your lovely wife right there?" "Yet, you had to look over, huh?" "Guess we do a lot of chief engineering everywhere, huh?" "Very nice to meet you." "And... and you're on vacation here in las Vegas from Wyoming?" "Oh, you're on honeymoon?" "Oh, good for you guys." "Yeah, good luck on that." "Yeah, give that a big round of applause, everybody." "There's gonna be a point in your marriage when you walk into the marriage when you walk into the living room naked and she's gonna dress you with her eyes." "By the time she's done with you, you're gonna be wearing snow boots and a burka." "Folks, you got to learn from mistakes in life, and I-i got to point something out and learn from my mistake." "Hey, zan, can you come out here?" "Uh, a good friend of mine, zan." "Zan, come on out here real quick?" "You guys, don't do this." "Thank you so much." "Don't ever buy marijuana from the easter bunny." "Hang on, I want to keep that joke fresh." "I..." "I can't get any more of this till march." "And, ladies and gentlemen, this is zan aufderheide." "Give her a nice, big round of applause." "Thank you, zanny." "Give her a nice round." "That cost me 52 bucks for her to do that." "I do a little thing called the zany report, and, uh, anybody hear of the zany report by round of applause?" "Yeah?" "It's my take on the news, and I thought I'd do some news stories." "Stories." "By the way, if you fly all the time like me, never ever, ever say this to a tsa agent if you want to get on that plane." ""You like my arabic tattoo?" "Isn't it the bomb?"" "New study has found pessimistic men are likely to die early." "I just fucking knew it!" "Hollywood, California." "Driver hit a deer on the 101 freeway." "Police said they knew it was a" "Hollywood deer because it had a fake rack." "Woodland hills," "California." "Six cars collide into a spilled load of avocados." "Luckily chips were on the scene in minutes." "Guacamole." "Did you get that one finally, sir?" "Are you from California?" "No?" "That's probably why you took time." "Hoboken, New Jersey." "A woman was arrested for beating her boyfriend with his cat." "Wow, and I thought I was pussy wow, and I thought I was pussy whipped." "I like it." "Like, this side's really enjoying the show." "And you're waiting for your fun casino book." "Babies learn to talk by reading lips, which explains why their first word is "vagina."" "Lot of c-sections out here, is that it?" "Lot of c-sections?" "Scientists have announced they found a woman's happy gene." "It took only seven years and four fingers." "Buena park," "California." "A man was arrested for biting the eyebrow off another man in a bar fight." "They didn't release the name of the victim, but they said you'd know him if you saw him." "Bridgeport," "Connecticut." "A five-year-old brought 50 packets of heroin to school for packets of heroin to school for show and tell." "Did not get into trouble because he had enough for everybody." "A man waiting in line at McDonald's was shot to death." "The sad part?" "He just ordered a happy meal." "It's death by irony." "What's your name?" "Karen?" "You're so beautiful." "My god, has anyone ever told you that?" "Nope?" "Guess I'm wrong." "Hey, she set herself up." "Hey, she set herself up." "I'm a trained professional." "Don't be modest." "You're very beaut..." "What do you do for a living," "Karen?" "Oh, dental hygienist." "You know, I read there's a high suicide rate among dentists." "How many dentists are here?" "See?" "Are you a dentist, sir?" "Do you get people who come up all the time, "hey, will you look at...?"" "It could be worse." "You could be a proctologist." "And then they would bend over." "Studies show the female condom is gaining popularity as a way to prevent pregnancy." "Of course, you may know it by." ""Her fat friend."" "It doesn't matter at this point." "One fact you should know, and this scares me 'cause I travel all the time." "An adult bedbug can live 550 days without eating." "Days without eating." "Beating out the Olsen twins by three days." "Thank you, sir, I appreciate that." "Thank you for the applause." "What is your name right there, sir?" "Conrad?" "And what do you do for a living?" "Did I stump you?" "I think I found you a friend." "What do you do, Conrad?" "Oh, you're a corrections officer." "Good for you, man." "That must be very difficult that must be very difficult work-- is it?" "Here put that on." "I'll be right with you." "I don't know what's scarier" " I have this or I pulled it out?" "Actually it's a souvenir from the airport." "Let's just say they found my nail clippers." "They were up my ass." "And one time in band camp..." "I got some good news and I got some bad news." "Some bad news." "A man in New York city was caught masturbating in a dollar store." "The napkins are now marked down even lower." "Oh, porn actress Jenna Jameson drove her car into a pole." "This is a first for the actress." "Usually she gets rear-ended." "It's actually..." "I want to thank this section of the show." "This section of the show." "Your... no." "Hang on." "Your laughter's starting to bleed in." "It's hitting this area now." "They're doing a biopic of the crocodile hunter Steve irwin." "It's only gonna be available in blu-ray or stingray." "Too soon?" "Too soon, you think?" "Too soon?" "This is my theory." "I think..." "I think they... that he messed around with these crocodiles so long, they hired this stingray to take this fucker out." "Probably paid them in sand probably paid them in sand dollars." "You know, that joke's really just for me." "So anyone who laughed, that's a bonus." "You remember the movie 127 hours?" "It's about this climber, got his arm tr... he's in the middle of nowhere, he gets his arm trapped in between a Boulder, and-and cut off his own arm to escape." "Now, they asked the real-life guy if he'd do it again." "He said, "yeah, but only one more time."" "I am so proud of all of you." "I am so proud of all of you." "That was a math joke and you did it in your head!" "Got some questions on my mind." "Does la..." "Lance Armstrong see the sack as half full?" "Was the inventor of the crotchless panties thinking outside the box?" "Do the doors on a sperm bank say, "pull and come again"?" "Ladies, back me up on this study ladies, back me up on this study if you agree, and, men, listen carefully." "This study may behoove you." "Men who do housework get more sex than those who don't." "There is a caveat." "They're also more likely to be rushed to the emergency room with their penis stuck in a vacuum." "I told that joke in beaumont," "Texas, this guy yelled, "it was a shop-vac."" "I said, "wet or dry?"" "I wanted to show how I'm" "El-elevating the game of comedy." "I used the word "behooved" and" ""caveat" in a dick joke." "How good am I?" "You really are a nice crowd, and thank you for being here." "I think you actually wanted to be here tonight 'cause it's much safer than outside." "A little scary." "You know what I don't understand is fashion." "I saw this women in L.A. with those sweatpants, and you know how they have the writing across the ass?" "This one had said, "here comes trouble."" "And I believed her 'cause she's and I believed her 'cause she's eating a big bean burrito." "I thought at some point, she might have to put on those juicy sweatpants." "That's right." "That's right." "I saw a guy with a t-shirt that said, "dick's taxidermy."" "I'm thinking he's gonna stuff you one way or another." "A lady had a t-shirt that says, "I have a vagina, deal with it."" "I went up to her, I said, "I have a penis, deal me in." "I'll call your bluff and I'll raise you, baby!"" "Thank you all!" "Thank you all!" "Good night!" "Thank you, las Vegas, Nevada!" "Thank you." "Bob zany, baby!" "All right, all right." "Have you had a good time so far?" "All right, all right." "We got one more road dog for you." "Are you ready for our last road dog?" "Tell the people how we met." "Um, I was in the military, and you came down..." "Military, and you came down..." "Which is a frightening thought." "Yes, I used to load bombs for a living." "Yeah." "Anything to get out the ghetto." "Um, so, uh, I'm sitting at the bar, and then you came down and sat down." "Yup." "And, uh, we just started talking." "And I started making you laugh, and you say, "you should be a comedian."" "I'm like, "I'll be damned." "I ain't doing that."" "And you ended up being better than me." "Yeah... ah!" "It's a little aggravating." "But you was always more successful." "Your marriage lasted, mine didn't." "Uh, you got a TV show, I got turned down for mine." "Turned down for mine." "Um, should we go on?" "No, you're good." "I mean, you're doing well." "I'm all right." "Bills are paid for the week." "Yeah, yeah..." "That's the goal, right?" "Yeah, well, that's all that matters." "That's always been my goal." "Oh, I spend all my money." "Yeah, 'cause you never seen a hearse with a u-haul behind it." "I ain't leaving nothing." "Now, this guy you're gonna love." "I've known him since..." "I met him probably 20 years ago." "I was working an air force base and he was just getting out." "And he-he started talking to me after the show." "He's one of the funniest guys I ever talked to in my life." "I said, "you should try to do" "I said, "you should try to do this."" "And now he's fucking funnier than I am." "I know you're gonna love him." "From Washington, D.C., get ready for Mr. earthquake!" "Hello, hello, hello, hello." "I said hello." "How y'all doing?" "All right, it's good to be here, all right, it's good to be here, goddamn it." "I don't know where I'm at 'cause this ain't Vegas." "I ain't lying to you." "I've never been in no hotel like this before." "But I flew in, man." "I flew in y'all little raggedy-ass airport." "Yeah, I flew southwest." "I didn't trust southwest." "'Cause they said, you know," ""we'll take you cross-country for just $49."" "I'm like, "$49?"" "How you take somebody cross-country for $49?" "Cost $50 to fill my tank up." "Where you getting your gas from?" "Where you getting your gas from?" "Are you using gas?" "But it's good to be here, man." "I'm having a good time in here, but it's so goddamn hot in" "Vegas." "Slave heat." "So hot out there, I see water drinking water." "Birds catching cabs." "It's so hot out there, I see illegal aliens turn themselves into immigration." ""I illegal!" "I know my rights." "You need to take me back home." "I messed around and snuck too" "I messed around and snuck too far up north." "I'm ready to go back home."" "But it's good to be here." "I'm on my way back to L.A." "I live in L.A., but I called my accountant." "My accountant told me how much money I owe." "I like, "whew!"" "Taxes is high." "I like, "ooh, it's time for me to fake my death."" "No, I'm serious, man." "I'm a one-percenter." "I told my kids the other day," ""hey, your father gonna die next" "Thursday."" "I'm serious, taxes are high, man." "I voted for Barack." "I like, "hey, look here," "I like, "hey, look here, brother, I voted for change." "But this ain't the change I'm looking for." "If I keep on messing with you," "I ain't gonna have nothing left but change."" "I went to vote for Barack." "The line was so long, looked like they was hiring." "I'm like, "ooh, they must be giving away some Jordans in here."" "I never seen that many black people stand in line before." "But, you know, everybody said you had to suppress the vote." "They said suppress the vote." "So I went down to the polls, I took everything I own." "I took my birth certificate," "I took my birth certificate, my cable bill, my student loan paperwork even though I ain't went to college." "I'm like, "you gonna let me vote."" "But I stayed in line, they weren't gonna turn me around." "Why?" "'Cause I had that 1964 mentality." "♪ Ain't gonna let nobody turn me around, turn me around turn me around. ♪" "Ain't gonna let nobody turn me around!" "Finally got in there to vote." "Seen the ballot." "Seen Barack name." "Punched it." "Punched it three more times 'cause I'm gonna make sure this vote count." "Vote count." "Now, the rest of the ballot, I filled that bitch out out like it was a test I ain't know none of the answers to." "I'm like, "mm..." "Put a b right there." "Put a c right there." "Proposition 13-- why not?" "Proposition 69-- hell yeah." "You need to pass that law." "I'm tired of doing her, she say she don't do me." "You need to pass that law."" "But if you say something bad about Barack in the black community, whew, you get put out the race." "95% of black people voted for 95% of black people voted for" "Barack." "We still looking for the other five." "I voted for him, but I don't agree with all of his policies." "I don't agree with all men's policies." "I don't agree with Barack policy when it comes to bailing out banks." "Fuck banks." "Talking about they too big, they can't close." "Shit, they closed my account." "You can't..." "Yeah, that's the truth." "You ain't got no money no more, motherfucker." "You ain't a bank." "I learned that shit in monopoly." "We never let nobody handle money we never let nobody handle money without that." "But I love... what I really love about Barack more than anything, he had Michelle." "See, he showed us really what black love is about." "When you can get a woman in your life to make you believe that the impossible is possible." "And I voted for him for four more years 'cause any black man that got a woman to make him believe he can be president, that motherfucker deserve his job." "Come on, now, come on." "You go home and tell your woman you want to be president." "She be like, "of what?" "I can't even get your ass to" "I can't even get your ass to take the trash out on time." "Why don't you be the president of the car note?" "Let's see, can you pay that shit on time."" "But, see, what I really love about Barack, and he's my man, he stopped the war." "'Cause I was in the military." "I was in the military for nine years." "Wanted to do 20 years." "But the war broke out." "Yeah, I told them I don't mind practicing for war." "But you motherfuckers fighting for real." "I joined the military to get out my mama house." "I could've stayed at home to get shot at." "Shot at." "They like, "if you don't go over there and fight, we gonna take your stripes."" "I like, "you can take the stripes, the sleeves, the boots and this heavy-ass helmet." "Just drop me back off at the recruiter office." "We call this shit even."" "I'm serious." "I was in the military, man." "It's hard." "But, see, my mother always told me, "a man must know his limitation."" "I knew I was a bad soldier." "I used to die when we had simulated wars." "Fuck I'm gonna go to the real one for?" "You know how hard it is to simulate war?" "You got to put that chemical warfare gear on with the helmet." "Warfare gear on with the helmet." "I run like five feet and just pass the fuck out." "They're like, "soldier, what is your name?"" "I'm like, "casualty." "Prisoner of war."" "I'm serious." "You got to know your limitation." "I'm gonna tell you something else I ain't qualified to be." "I ain't qualified to be no captain on no cruise liner." "I'll be damned if you think I'm going down with the ship just because I'm the captain." "Fuck you." "You call me, "where the..." "Where the ship at?"" "The same place you at, nigga." "Safe." "I don't know who that French" "I don't know who that French captain was, but I'm gonna tell you, he had some black in him." "He gave an excuse, still trying to keep his goddamn job." "Like, "what happened, captain?"" ""I was walking, and I slipped and fell in a lifeboat." "And when I woke up, I was in my apartment." "I'm not gonna be here Friday, but I'll be there Tuesday to get my check." "I don't know what's wrong with your boat, but it's back there on them rocks."" "Man must know his limitation." "Talked to my son today." "I love my son, 'cause I found" "I love my son, 'cause I found out my son is a boy." "My son is 11 years old and he refused to take a bath." "I run him some bathwater." "He just put his hands in there and just play in that bitch." "Come out 30 minutes later, dry as hell." "I'm like, "get your funky ass in and wash your ass!" "And take them Batman drawers off." "You can't wear Batman for a whole week." "How he gonna fight crime if he on your ass all week long?" "And spongebob don't supposed to have no black line down the back of him." "You done fucked around and shit a spongebob out."" "A spongebob out."" "Yeah, he's my son." "I don't need no DNA test." "He got all his father's characteristics." "I'm serious." "He in the fifth grade, he already need a tutor." "I put him in private school." "He wasn't ready for that shit." "They called me the other day, talking about, "hey, we might have to hold him back a year."" "I'm like, "well, you gonna give me my motherfucking money back." "I be damned if I have to pay you to keep a black man down." "When the check cleared, his ass needed to clear." "I swear, I'll come burn that motherfucking school down."" "His mother like, "what should we his mother like, "what should we do?"" "I said, "I told him what he needed to do." "Copy off another little boy's paper." "Just till you get on your feet."" "He copy off this little boy's paper so good, when he turned his paper in, had his name and the little boy's name on it."" "We had to go back up to that bitch again." "He said... he said, "you told me to copy."" "I'm like, "not on everything, motherfucker."" "That's my son though." "I love him to death." "I got three kids." "Two of them mine." "One of them don't look like me." "I ain't lying, too." "I ain't lying, too." "My kids like a bad spades hand." "Two and a possible." "I know y'all don't get that, white people." "You'll learn it." "Y'all looking at me like I just moved in your neighborhood and fucked up your property value." ""Spades hand?"" "But I have a good time, man." "Women are important to me." "I love women, but I'm single and" "I'm gonna stay single." "And if you're gonna be single, you got to be careful." "'Cause love is the strongest emotion in the world." "Do you know how many men are dead or in jail over a misunderstanding of being with a misunderstanding of being with a woman?" "So I tell women when I meet them, "look here, I'll fight for my woman, but not our woman."" "I'm walking a chick home, trying to be a gentleman." "There's a dude in the bushes waiting for both of us." "He jump out the bushes, "Carol, where you been?" "!"" "And slap the shit out her." "Pow!" "She like, "do something, earthquake."" "I'm like, "shit!" "Look at the love on that nigga eyes." "Even if I had my pistol, I couldn't stop his ass."" "She like, "you a bitch!"" ""Whatever, ho." "I might be a bitch, but ain't nothing wrong with my eye." "Nothing wrong with my eye." "He hit you like y'all was still together." "I ain't running." "I just have somewhere else to be."" "And I love women." "Women are the most beautiful creatures in the world." "You get a good woman on your..." "I'm telling you, you get a good woman on your team, you can be president." "Fuck with the wrong one and you end up living with your mama." "And I love my mama to death." "She a great mama, but she a fucked-up roommate." "Gonna charge me for rent and tell me who I can't bring in my goddamn room." "I had to turn her ass over to hud." "Hud." "Bitch was violating my lease." "But I have a great time, man." "Billy has always been a good friend of mine." "And we have always..." "Me and Billy went to go see o.J." "Yeah, o.J. Is done." "O.J. Is done." "I know o.J. Is mad as hell." "He done got away with double murder, now he in jail for stealing cleats." "I know he don't get no sleep." "I know kazoo from the flintstones just be waking his flintstones just be waking his ass up every morning." ""Hello, dumb-dumb." "Fine mess you get yourself in, dumb-dumb."" "But, see, I'm telling you." "It's a misconception about black people, too." "They say black people don't snitch." "I watch first 48 hours." "Black people snitch." "I do." "'Cause I'm telling you." "If you catch me, you caught us." "Let the judge come in there and say we got 25 years." ""Ooh, I need to talk to the d.A." "It was all them brothers, your honor." "And my mama, too." "And my mama, too." "Come on up here, mama." "You saw that cocaine coming in the house." "Come on, man, tell that white man what he need to know." "You done lived your life." "Let me live my life." "Yeah, snitch on grandmama." "She got Alzheimer's." "She done lived her life." "She can do this time."" "It's the most beautiful thing in the world!" "Can't go to jail." "That's one thing I got respect about women though." "When your man go to jail, y'all support him." "Y'all do." "Write him." "Put money on the commissary." "You know, be there." "My girl say, "hey, quake." "If I ever go to jail, you gonna if I ever go to jail, you gonna wait on me?"" "I'm like, "oh, no." "The judge broke us up." "You gonna have a new girlfriend and so am I."" "My name is earthquake." "I'll see y'all later." "God bless you." "♪ ♪" "One more time." "Earthquake!" "My main man." "All right, did you guys have a great time tonight?" "Well, thank you for making this possible once again here at road possible once again here at road dogs." "I'd like to bring them all back out for one final round of applause." "Please welcome back Mr. don learned!" "One more time, Bob zany!" "Yeah, baby!" "And finally, Mr. earthquake!" "My name's Billy gardell." "Thanks for joining us for road dogs." "God bless." "Good night."