"Man over P.A.:" "Flight 12 now loading gate 3 for Philadelphia, New York," "Boston and Bangor." "Attention, flight 7 to New York will be delayed 30 minutes." "Attention-- Mr. Buck Henry, please claim your poodle at the baggage counter." "Mr. Buck Henry, your poodle is waiting" " Miss Markoff?" " Yes." "I'm Maxwell Smart, Secret Agent 86 of CONTROL." "I've been assigned to protect you." "Oh, you seem familiar." "Yes." "I've been guarding you ever since you got through the Iron Curtain." "Of course." "You were on the plane with me." "You were the man seated across the aisle reading a magazine." " No." " The man behind me, with the dark glasses and the mustache." " No." " But I'm sure I saw you on the plane." "I was the stewardess who fluffed your pillow." "An ingenious disguise, Mr. Smart." "Well, fortunately I have the legs for it." "I think we'd better use the side door." "Come on." "Am I in any danger, Mr. Smart?" "No, everything has worked out exactly as I planned it." " No one can possibly know you're here." " Transworld Press." "Do you mind answering a few questions, Miss Markoff?" "Just a minute-- which Miss Markoff are you looking for?" "Trinka Markoff, daughter of the late Boravian prime minister," " here to address the UN." " Yes, I'm afraid you gentlemen made a big mistake." "You see, this is Lubella Markoff, the European high-hurdle champion." "She's here to test our hurdles." "Hold it!" "Well, Miss Markoff, I just saved your life." "One click of this shutter and you would have been hit by a bullet-- the old gun-in-the-camera trick." "How could you be sure?" "That corny outfit-- the curled-up hat, the loud plaid jacket-- no photographer dresses like that." "They're more like this fellow here:" "neat, quiet... and deadly." "Miss Markoff, Mr. Smart," "I suggest you come along with us quietly." "We have a car waiting outside." " Get going, fast!" " ( tires screech )" "W Street, corner of 34th." "Oh, you want CONTROL's secret headquarters." " Hello, Max." " Agent 34!" "What a break!" "How did the Chief know I'd be needing you?" "He didn't, Max." "This is my job." "I'm moonlighting." " What?" " While you were out of the country, there was another budget cut at CONTROL." "We're all on part-time." "That black car-- it is following us." "Turn right at the next corner." "That's the longer way, Max." "That'll run you another 50¢." "Turn!" "We've got a block lead on them." "Step on it!" " Okay." " Taxi!" " ( tires screech )" " What are you doing?" "!" "Company rules, Max-- you're supposed to share the cab." "324 Z Street." "Look, could you go a little faster, driver?" " I'm gonna be late for work." " Okay, buddy, but if I get a ticket, you'll pay for it." " Uh, that's my corner." " I can't stop now." "Well, that's all right." "At least he could have slowed down." "( gunshots continue )" "( theme music playing )" "Well, Chief, it was nip and tuck for a while, but I finally got Miss Markoff back here safely." " Where is she, Max?" " She's in the debriefing room." "Our main concern is Miss Markoff's safety." "Wait a minute, Chief." " Isn't this top secret?" " Yes, Max." "Well, shouldn't we use the Cone of Silence?" " Max, the Cone of Silence is" " I'll get it, Chief." "Where's the Cone of Silence?" "Max, we leased it to the CIA." "But that's ridiculous." "It's just for a short time." "I'm sure Congress will reconsider our budget cut." "Why doesn't Congress cut the CIA's budget?" "How can they?" "Nobody knows what their budget is." "We'll just have to talk here." "Wait a minute, Chief." "We can't afford to take that kind of a chance." "I demand..." "Oh, Max, no!" "Yes!" "The Closet of Silence." "Come on, 99." " Now, Miss Markoff..." " Shh!" " Hold it, Chief." " ( door closes )" "Okay." "Miss Markoff won't be speaking to the UN until three days from now." "Now, KAOS will do anything to keep her from making that speech." "Our best chance to outwit them is to move her around." "She'll spend the first day here, and the second day 99 will check her in to the Alledon Arms Hotel." "The Alledon-- the Alledon Arms Hotel?" "That dirty old dump?" "Well, Max, they're giving us a commercial rate." "I can't hear you, Chief." "You're talking into your overcoat." "Let me out of here!" "( doorknob rattles )" "Max, the door is locked!" "Why do I let you talk me into things like this?" "Larrabee!" "Larrabee!" "Chief, you're wasting your time." "Larabee can't hear you." "The walls are too thick." "( man screams, thumps )" "Sorry about that, Larrabee." "Thanks, Max." " What's the matter, Max?" " I don't know, 99." "I'm so depressed." "My first day back in the country and the Chief bawls me out for something I didn't even do, and he gives me a 50% cut in salary." "But, Max, we all had to take that cut." "Besides, you can make it up working part-time." "After all, our new hours are only from 8:00 in the morning until 12:00 noon." "I'm making a dollar an hour babysitting." "That's fine for a girl, but what am I gonna do?" "What did you do before you became a secret agent?" "I was a babysitter-- that's how I worked my way through college." " Well, what did you do after that?" " Well, CONTROL recruited me right out of college." "See, I was a Bonus Baby spy." " Ugh!" " What's the matter, Max?" " That coffee is lukewarm." " Oh." "Well, I guess the only thing you know is spying." "Wait a minute, 99." "That gives me an idea." "You and I are going into business." "Don't be discouraged, Max." "After all, the office has only been open for a few hours." "Yes, and no cases yet." "I don't understand it, 99." "This is a perfect location for a private eye-- right between a divorce lawyer and a congressman." "Looks like you'll have to go back to babysitting." " No, Max, I want to work with you." " ( knocking )" "( slow jazz music plays )" "Are you Mr. Smart, the private eye?" " You said what?" " I'd like to talk to you, Mr. Smart." "( mimics Bogart ) All right, start talking." " Alone." " Get out... sweetheart." "I'll be in the outer office." "If you need me, just whistle." "Well, what can I do for you, Miss" " What can I do for you, Miss, uh" " Mrs." " Mrs. Weatherly." " Oh, please sit down, Mrs. Weatherly." "Mr. Smart, I need your help." "I need a very brave and clever man." "Cigarette?" "No, thank you." "So you need help, Mrs. Weatherly." "Well, you've certainly come to the right place." " What happened?" " You fell off the chair." "Exactly." " A drink, Mrs. Weatherly?" " Thank you." "Mr. Smart, I have a problem." "You certainly do have a problem." "No no, it's my husband." "He's threatened to kill me." "He's madly, insanely jealous, and I don't know why." "I've never given him any reason." "I've never even looked at-- you're very handsome." "Yes, I know that, Mrs. Weatherly." "Now about your husband-- let's have a description." " Eyes?" " They're not at all like yours-- deep, fascinating, piercing." ""Deep, fascin"" "No, not my eyes, Mrs. Weatherly-- your husband's." " Bloodshot." " Bloodshot eyes." "Okay." "Hair?" " Bald." " Bald hair." " Height." " Short." "Short height." "Build?" " Tubby." " Tubby." "You'd better have another drink, Mrs. Weatherly." "( knocking )" "That must be my husband." "If he finds me here he'll kill me." "All right, don't get excited." "Take it easy." "You can go right down the fire escape." "Oh, thank you." "Thank you." " All right, come in." " Max..." "Oh, it's you, 99." "My client got scared." "She thought it was her husband and ran down the fire escape." "Oh." "Max!" "99, don't tell me there's no fire escape." "There's no fire escape!" "I asked you not to tell me that." "Oh, it's all right, Max." "She hit the canopy." "She's just limping a little." "99, there goes my first and only client." "No, Max, that's not so." "There are two men waiting to see you in the outer office." "Oh, good." "All right." " Send them in." " Right, Max." "Would you gentlemen step in, please?" " Mr. Smart?" " You said what?" "May we present ourselves?" "Mr. Sidney, Mr. Peter." " Mr. Sidney." " No, I am Sidney." "He is Peter." "Gentlemen, please be seated." "Thank you." "I'll come right to the point." "We're concerned about the safety of Trinka Markoff." " Who?" " ( laughs )" "Our Mr. Smart is splendidly discreet, is he not, Mr. Sidney?" "Hmm, yes, he is, Mr. Peter." "Dear Trinka told us how brave you were this morning and how you saved her from those vicious KAOS killers." "I've always hated brutality." "Please, Mr. Sidney." "We're afraid about what might happen to Miss Trinka." "We wish to hire you to protect her." " I see." " Are you interested in the job?" "Well, that all depends." "When you hire me, you hire the best." "And the best is expensive." "My price is high and I won't have any haggling." "Take it or leave it." " Mr. Peter:" "How much?" " Uh, make me an offer." "$250 a day." " You said what?" " $250 a day." " I'll take it." " Good." "An advance and our telephone number." "We wish you to keep us apprised of Miss Trinka's whereabouts at all times, just so we know that she's safe." "You see, Miss Trinka is a worrier, and she would only worry if she knew that we were worried." "Don't give it another thought, gentlemen." "I wouldn't want Trinka to worry that you were worried that she was worried." "So don't worry." "One other thing-- we must swear you to absolute secrecy." "No one must know, not even your secretary." "Very well, gentlemen." "Goodbye, Mr. Smart." "Goodbye, Mr. Sidney." "Mr. Peter." "I'm Sidney." "He's Peter." "Oh." "Sorry about that." "I don't know why I keep getting you two mixed up." "Happens all the time." " What did they want, Max?" " They wanna pay me-- they wanna pay me $250 a day." " For what?" " I'm sorry, 99, but my clients have sworn me to secrecy." "Our Mr. Smart is a perfect tool, is he not, Mr. Sidney?" "Oh, yes he is, Mr. Peter." "He doesn't even begin to suspect we are KAOS agents and that he will lead Miss Markoff right into our trap." " Here you are, Larrabee." " Thanks, Chief." " Hmm..." " Sorry about" "Don't say it!" "Chief, when I tell you what I've been doing" "Max, I'm not interested in what you're doing in your spare time." "From 8:00 to 12:00, you are on CONTROL time." "It's a couple of minutes past 8:00 right now." "You and 99 have to get Miss Markoff down to the Alledon Arms Hotel." "Right, Chief." "Where is she now?" "She's at the secret identity section." " They're working on a disguise." " Oh, really?" " What kind of a disguise, Chief?" " She'll have a dark wig, changing her dress and wearing sunglasses." "Come on, let's see how she's doing." "Come on, Max." "Uh, I'll be with you in a minute, Chief." "I wanna make a phone call." "( mimics Bogart ) Hello, Mr. Sidney?" "Oh, sorry." "Mr. Peter?" "Maxwell Smart reporting." "Oh, Miss Markoff is fine." "Yes, I've taken every precaution." "Well, she will be wearing dark hair and sunglasses." "As a matter of fact, we're taking her to our hideout at the Alledon Arms." "Don't mention it." "It's my job." "( car approaching )" "We're here, Miss Markoff." " What took so long?" " Max had to make sure you were safe." "Yes." "That's why I drove around town for three hours-- no one could have possibly followed us here." "( gunshot )" "Thank heavens there are only two of them." "Make that three." "Make it four and keep the books open." "Max, it's a trap." "Help, somebody!" "Call the police!" "Max, how could they have found out?" "There must be a security leak in our organization." "( bullet ricochets )" "If I ever get my hands on that stool pigeon, I'll" "Max, we've gotta lead them away from Miss Markoff." "Come on, let's go." " Hold it, 99." " What is it, Max?" " What time is it?" " Uh, 12:00." "That's it." "We're off-duty for CONTROL." "Max, what are you doing?" "I'm calling the Chief." "I wanna ask him about my accident and hospitalization insurance." "Oh, Max." "You keep them busy." " Hello, Chief?" " Oh, Max?" "I just got off the phone with the Alledon Arms Hotel." "They said there's a gun battle going on outside." "I know, Chief." "That's what I'm calling you about." "We're pinned down here by four KAOS men." " I'll send help." " Uh, Chief," "I have a jurisdictional problem here." "You see, up until 12:00 I was working for you, but after 12:00 I was hired by certain parties to protect Miss Markoff." "Max, what are you talking about?" "The question is, even though it's after 12:00, the fight started before 12:00." "Now what I want to know-- is my accident and hospi" "Max, look out!" " Max, what's happening?" " Never mind about that, Chief." "The important thing that I wanna know is," " according to Rule 343" " Max..." " Max, what's happening?" " Chief, better forget about my hospitalization." "Check my life insurance." "( tires screeching )" " Thanks, Sam." " Sam?" "Yes, the guy that was driving the truck was Agent 72." "He must have a part-time job at the laundry." "No, I don't believe it!" "I just don't believe it!" "But, Chief, somehow KAOS knew that we were taking Trinka to the Alledon Arms." "And how could they?" "How could they, Chief?" "Only one way!" "I'll tell you how-- there's a traitor right here in our midst!" "Who, Max?" "Who?" "!" "I don't know, but remember this" "Every man at CONTROL who was hit by the budget cut is hard-pressed." "Now obviously someone desperate for money is working for KAOS, someone right here in our organization." "By the way, Chief, how come you're the only one who didn't have to take a part-time job?" "Max!" "Just a friendly question, Chief." "I still say Miss Markoff would be safer here than anyplace else, and that's where she's going to stay." "And I say that it's too dangerous for her here." "May I remind you that I'm the Chief?" "You may remind me, but it won't do you any good." " And your boss!" " Not after 12:00." "Exactly where do you think Miss Markoff would be safe?" "I'm sorry, Chief, but I can't tell you that." "There's a security leak here." "But I'll tell you this much-- she'll be perfectly safe." "She'll be with me." "Mr. Smart, why don't you turn on the lights?" "I don't wanna take any chances." "Besides, I've got the eyes of a cat." "Now let me see." "As I recall, it's exactly five steps to my office door." "One, two, three, four... five." "Good evening, Mr. Smart." "( mimics Bogart ) Well, Mr. Sidney and Mr. Peter." "I mean, Mr. Peter and Mr. Sidney." "Well, Trinka, aren't you gonna say hello to your friends?" "Friends?" "This is the first time I've ever seen them in my life." "And, my dear, the very last time." "Mr. Smart, what is this all about?" "Don't ask silly questions, Trinka." " What is this all about?" " It's very simple, Mr. Smart, you've been a perfect dupe." "You've led Miss Markoff into our trap, and we shall have to kill her-- and you too." " All right, drop 'em." " Drop what?" "Oh." "Well, in that case, lift 'em." "I hardly think that will be necessary." "Wilbur." "You don't think I'm gonna fall for that old one, do you?" "Mr. Smart." "The old Wilbur-in- the-drape trick." "Get 'em up." "Are they up?" "Wilbur, you'll dispose of them after we are gone." "You know how Mr. Sidney abhors brutality." " Come come, Mr. Sidney." " You are-- you are truly a gentle soul, Mr. Peter." "We know you have another gun hidden in the desk, Mr. Smart, but it's useless without these, is it not?" "Yes." "Well, I wasn't reaching for a gun." "I was reaching for this." "It's all right if I have a last drink, isn't it?" "Of course, a man like you should die gallantly." "That's the way I always die, fat man." "Cheers." "( grunts )" " Don't move." " ( doorknob rattles )" "Who's that?" " It's probably the police." " The police?" "He can get away by going down the fire escape." "That is an excellent idea, Mr. Smart." "Now please, move over there." "Now do not" "I repeat, do not attempt to follow me because I am a deadly shot." "Oh, how terrible." "Oh, maybe he was lucky and hit the canopy." "Missed it by that much." " Chief?" " Max, what happened?" " Miss Markoff, are you all right?" " Yes, thanks to all of you." "Chief, you came just in the nick of time." "What a clever way to get into the building-- disguised as a janitor." "Disguised?" "Oh, this." "Well, they cut my salary too, Max." "This is my way to make it up." "Who broke the door, Max?" "( theme music playing )"