"Hello." "I am Andy." "And I would like to thank you for coming to my movie." "I wish it was better, you know but it is so stupid." "It's terrible." "I do not even like it." "All of the most important things in my life are changed around and mixed up for dramatic purposes." "So I decided to cut out all of the bologna." "Now the movie is much shorter." "In fact, this is the end of the movie." "Thank you very much." "I am not fooling." "Goodbye." "Go." "You're still here." "Okay!" "I hope you're not upset." "I did that to get rid of those folks who wouldn't understand me and don't even want to try!" "Actually, the movie is really great." "It's filled with colorful characters, like the one I just did and the one I'm doing now." "Our story begins back in Great Neck, Long Island." "This is our house." "And that's my father's old car." "That's my father." "That's my little brother, Michael." "That's my little sister, Carol." "And that's my mom." "Janice?" "Andy's up in his room?" "Yeah." "Mr. Bear is saying that Mrs. Cat made his head fall off." "And Mrs. Bear is saying she saw it, and it's not true." "Today's special guest:" "Mr. Bear." "What's up, Mr. Bear?" "Andy?" "Son, this has got to stop." "Our house is not a television station." "There's not a camera in that wall." "It isn't healthy." "You should be outside, playing sports." "But I have my own sports show." "Andy, that's not what I meant." "I'm gonna put my foot down." "No more playing alone." "You want to perform, you've got to have an audience." "They're right there!" "That is not an audience." "That is plaster." "An audience is made of people." "People who live and breathe." "Andy Kaufman and Howdy Doody present:" ""The Animal Song"!" "Now, I'll say the animal, then you tell me what it says, okay?" "Okay." "The cow goes" "Moo." "And the cat goes" "Meow, meow." "And the bird goes" "Tweet, tweet." "Tweet, tweet." "And the lion goes" "Roar!" "And the dog goes" "Ruff." "And the cat goes" "Meow." "And the bird goes" "Tweet." "And the pig goes" "Oink." "And that's the way it goes" "The comedy stylings of Andy Kaufman, ladies and gentlemen." "So, Mr. Besserman, same spot tomorrow?" "I don't know, Andy." "I think I have to let you go." "You're firing me?" "You don't even pay me." "I don't want to be insulting, but your act is like amateur hour." "Sing-alongs for 6-year-olds puppets that aren't funny, playing records...?" "But it's original." "No one's ever done it." "I'm not like everyone else." "Everybody else gets this place cooking." "I thought it was cooking." "There was a man really upset." "He stormed out, and other people left during your act." "I can't sell booze to people who" "It's about booze." "Not comedy, not art?" "I can't sell booze when you're singing "Pop Goes the Weasel."" "I'm running a business." "It's show business." "Show." "Business." "Show." "Business." "Without the business, there's no show." "And there's no show for you." "What should I do?" ""Take my wife, please"?" "Yeah, at least it's a joke." "Try some jokes." "Like, "Why did the Siamese twins go to England?"" "I don't know." "Why'd they go to England?" "So the other one could drive." "Why doesn't the other one just learn how to drive?" "Maybe that one isn't for you." "Do jokes about traffic." "Do impressions." "Maybe some blue material." "Thank you very much." "Good night!" "Now?" "Now?" "Thank you very much." "One thing I do not like is too much traffic." "You know?" "Tonight I had to come from..." "And the freeway, it was so much traffic." "It took me an hour and a half to get here." "Talking about the terrible things my wife, take my wife." "Please take her!" "No." "No." "I am only fooling." "I love my wife." "But she don't know how to cook." "Her cooking is so bad." "It's terrible." "Now I would like to I would like to do for you the imitations." "I would like to start with the Jimmy Carter." "The president of the United States." "Hello." "I am Jimmy Carter, the president of the United States." "Thank you very much." "And now I would like to do for you the Elvis Presley." "Well, it's one for the money Two for the show" "Three to get ready Now go, cat, go" "Now don't you Step on my blue suede shoes" "Well, you can do anything But lay off of my blue suede shoes" "Let's go, cat" "Budd, what's the story with this guy?" "I think he's from Lithuania." "Blue, blue Blue suede shoes, baby" "Blue, blue Blue suede shoes, woman" "Blue, blue Blue suede shoes, baby" "Blue, blue Blue suede shoes" "You can do anything But lay off of my blue suede shoes" "Well, we were dancing" "We were dancing" "To the jailhouse rock" "All right!" "Thank you very much." "Hey, I really enjoyed your set." "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." "I really liked what you did out there." "Thank you very much." "So I understand you're from Lithuania." "No." "I am from Caspiar." "Caspiar, huh?" "It is a very small island in the Caspian Sea." "It sunk." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Well, look I'm probably out of my mind, but I think you're very interesting." "If you ever need representation, we should talk." "Okay." ""George Shapiro."" "Mr. Shapiro!" "It is an honor, sir." "Caspiar, huh?" "I want to be the biggest star in the world." "Well, people love comedians." "I'm not a comedian." "I don't do jokes." "I don't even know what's funny." "I'm a song-and-dance man." "Thank you." "I particularly suggest the lotus root." "You, you know, you show a lot of promise." "My concern is I don't know where to book you." "You're not a standup and your act doesn't exactly translate itself to film." "So help me." "Where do you see yourself?" "Well, I've always wanted to play Carnegie Hall." "That's funny." "See, I don't want to go for cheap laughs." "I want gut reactions." "I want the audience to have gone through an experience." "They love me, they hate me, they walk out." "It's all great." "Andy, you got a little something." "When I'm famous, I'm gonna sell these." ""As worn by Andy Kaufman."" "You can have this one." "It'll be worth a lot." "Because it was actually up my nose." "You're insane." "But you might also be brilliant." "Hello." "George Shapiro here." "Is this George Shapiro?" "Yeah, speaking." "Speaking!" "Reeking, seeking, creaking." "Freaking!" "Big freaking deal!" "Tell me something I don't know, toadstool!" "Can I help you?" "You can stay away from Andy Kaufman, if you know what's good for you!" "Crankshaft!" "Who is this?" "Do not twist my noodle, toy poodle." "This is Tony Clifton!" "A name to respect!" "A name to fear!" "And Kaufman is a lying bastard!" "He is a psychopath!" "Now slowly open your eyes." "You should feel rested, relaxed and alert." "I would like to thank you, Your Holiness." "My heart is radiating pure energy." "Oh, no, wait." "Wait." "I'm sorry." "I have a question." "Is there..." "Is there a secret to being funny?" "Yes." "Silence." "Welcome back to Saturday Night Live!" "Now as a special treat on our first show, musical guest Andy Kaufman!" "What's wrong with this guy?" "This is dead air." "Mr. Trouble never hangs around" "When he hears this mighty sound" "Here I come to save the day" "That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way" "Yes, sir, When there is a wrong to right" "Mighty Mouse will join the fight" "On the sea or on the land" "He gets the situation well in hand" "So though we are in danger We never despair" "We know that where there's danger He is there" "He is there!" "On the land!" "On the sea!" "In the air!" "We 're not worrying at all" "We're just listening for his call" "Here I come to save the day!" "That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way" "Mr. Kaufman?" "Right this way, please." "George is expecting you." "Hey, Andy." "Thanks for coming out." "Thank you, George." "Come on, sit down." "Wow!" "Which one?" "Either one." "They're both red." "This one, I guess." "Did you have a nice flight?" "I did." "I had a really good flight." "The stewardess was very nice." "She allowed me to keep my headphones." "That's terrific!" "Andy, I got something better." "You do?" "This is big." "You are getting a once-in-a-lifetime, very lucrative opportunity to star on a prime-time network sitcom!" "A sitcom?" "Yeah." "And this is a class act." "It all takes place in a taxi stand." "And you're gonna be the "Fonzie."" "Fonzie?" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "The Fonzie." "The crazy breakout character who all the kids imitate and they put him on the lunch boxes." "I hate sitcoms." "I've never liked them." "These guys have seen your foreign-man character and they want to turn him into a lovable, goofy mechanic named..." "Latka." "No." "No?" "No." "No to which part?" "No to the whole thing." "It doesn't sound good to me." "Andy, this is a comedian's dream!" "I'm not a comedian, George." "And sitcoms are the lowest form of entertainment." "I mean, it's just stupid jokes and canned laughter!" "You don't know why it's there, but it's there." "And it's dead people laughing." "Those people are dead!" "Andy, this is classy." "I don't care." "I want to generate my own material." "Listen to me." "I've been in this business for 20 years, Andy." "I've seen this!" "I know this!" "If you pass up this opportunity, you will never never see another one like it again." "Never!" "Okay." "I'll do it." "But I have some terms." "Oh, sure." "That's what negotiations are all about." "What are you doing?" "I'm writing out my terms." "Are you making fun of me?" "Those are my terms." "This is ridiculous, Andy!" "It's what I need to do the show." "What is this?" ""Four guaranteed guest spots for Tony Clifton."" "Who's Tony Clifton?" "He's a Vegas lounge singer." "I did impressions of him, and we got into a fight over it." "This Clifton called me!" "He did?" "He's a loon!" "He hates you!" "No, no." "He just talks tough." "But I owe him." "And if I'm the new Fonz then ABC is just gonna have to give me what I want!" "Mr. Kaufman will only appear in half the episodes of Taxi." "Mr. Kaufman requires an undisturbed 90 minutes of meditation prior to filming." "Mr. Kaufman gets his own network special." "Taxi must guarantee four guest appearances for Tony Clifton." "Who?" "Who?" "Tony Clifton." "Who the hell is Tony Clifton?" "I don't know." "And now Mama Rivoli's is proud to present an international singing sensation!" "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tony Clifton." "Ladies and gentlemen, due to Mr. Clifton's vocal constraints he asks that you extinguish your smoking material your cigars and cigarettes." "Goddamn, I paid 10 bucks for that cigar!" "I'm sorry." "And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Entertainment Tony Clifton!" "No wonder my happy heart sings" "Your love has given me wings" "I got the wings of a dove" "I got the wings..." "I got the chicken wings from Kentucky Fried." "Whoop-de-doo, whoop-de-di." "Stick a needle in your eye!" "Let's get something straight, people." "I play big showrooms in Vegas." "I need this place like I need a shotgun blast to the face." "Let's go down and meet some of the audience." "All right." "Hey, how you all doing?" "Where you from?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" "Somebody's wearing a lot of perfume." "Must be that time of the month." "I know all the tricks." "So how you doing?" "You enjoying that pasta carbonara?" "It appears that you are!" "Hey, look out!" "I think you sat in some cottage cheese." "Pardon me." "That's your ass." "How you doing?" "You enjoying the show?" "Yeah." "What's your name?" "Bob." "Bob?" "What's your last name, Up-and-down-in-the-water?" "Gorsky." "Gorsky?" "That Polish?" "Yeah." "You trying to do Polish humor?" "No, that's" "Shut up!" "That's just my name." "Shut up!" "I do not appreciate racial slurs!" "I think them dumb Polacks have been ridiculed enough!" "I do a clean show here!" "You want to see humor?" "Here's some humor right here." "Right there, okay?" "Sit down and enjoy that, okay?" "And you!" "Shapiro!" "I'll see you backstage, baldy." "What do you want?" "Just a little friendly conversation, George." "You hungry?" "You look thin!" "Italiano, cacciatore Scaloppine, pasta fagiol" "I don't understand this act." "It's old-fashioned entertainment, George." "Everyone loves a villain." "What about that poor schlub you humiliated?" "Hey, man, excellent show." "That was a great show." "That was awesome." "George, this is my writer and old friend, Bob Zmuda." "Hey, George." "How are you?" "I'm Bob." "He's very creative." "I'm the brains behind this operation." "Yeah, dream on." "He once faked a lion escaping from the Chicago Zoo." "This was fantastic, George." "We got like 40 actors tearing through the zoo." "And they're all screaming, "There's a fucking lion, man, a lion!"" "Your name's not Gorsky." "Don't believe everything you hear, George." "This cannot leave this room." "Do not write this down." "Tony Clifton is Andy Kaufman." "And Andy Kaufman is Tony Clifton." "They'll deny it up and down, but believe me, it's true." "This is great business." "You get two Andy Kaufmans for the price of one." "Andy!" "What's up?" "They said yes!" "You're getting everything." "Everything!" "Bonus." "Whatever you want." "Thank you very much." "It was so good." "It was so good." "I have to do Taxi, don't I?" "You gotta do Taxi." "Party time for Latka." "Not till you take off those overalls." "This is a good party!" "No, no, no!" "Latka, listen to me." "There's a drug in those cookies." "No!" "No!" "Bed?" "I have never been so emotional in all my life!" "And this is for my mother!" "And this is for my father!" "And this is for my grandfather!" "I hope you have a small family." "Thank you very much." "I'm gonna quit." "What?" "Every show is worse than the last one." "Forty million people are watching your ass, Kaufman." "What do they know?" "Absolutely nothing!" "That's the beauty." "Man, look, it's credibility." "You make them love you now, and then on your special you can fuck with their heads." "The sky is the limit, man!" "Oh, yeah?" "I don't care!" "Sir, there's a problem down on the Kaufman special." "They say he's not following the technical requirements." "Technical?" "Thanks for coming on my show." "Oh, well, thanks for having me" "Okay." "Right now." "Roll it." "No." "It's my special!" "I have creative control!" "Roll it!" "No." "Do it, man!" "Oh, be careful, please." "Only positive energy allowed beyond this point." "I've been hearing fabulous things about the special." "What, did we hit a little speed bump?" "And his name is Colin." "Look." "Kid Genius told me to mess with the vertical hold." "Show me." "Show me." "Show him, Colin." "Thanks for having me on your show, Andy." "Boy, it sure" "It'll be great!" "People will think their TV is broken!" "They'll get out of their chairs and walk to the TV, twist the knobs call the TV store: "Hey, I paid a lot of money for that TV."" "They'll bang on the television and they won't be able to fix it!" "We don't want the viewers to get out of their chairs." "But it's funny!" "It's a practical joke." "The viewer must be able to see the program." "But it's only gonna be for 30 seconds." "Five." "Twenty." "Ten." "Deal." "Okay, Andy, 10 seconds." "Ten seconds, okay." "Ten seconds is all I wanted." "Ten seconds is absolutely perfect." "Howdy, I've been watching you since I was a boy." "I didn't know what TV was, but I was watching you." "Look how cute he is." "Isn't this great?" "It is so moving." "This is not funny." "This is artsy-fartsy shit." "I mean, what?" "This is the magical part of the show." "It's not all like this." "It's hysterical!" "It gets very funny." "We're the number one network." "Can't we afford a decent TV?" "No, no, no, that's part of the show." "This is part of the show?" "Yes." "What do you mean?" "That's the way Andy wants it, with the rolling." "Thanks, Andy." "I love you too." "Tell Kaufman this network will never air this program." "Hey, that's Andy Kaufman." "You want to bet?" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Excuse me." "Are you Andy Kaufman?" "I get that all the time." "Andy." "This is ridiculous." "Take off that apron." "No." "I'd rather work here than at ABC." "I'm sorry." "They're a bunch of assholes." "Look, we work in a creative business." "There's no telling what people will like or dislike." "The only reason I did Taxi, the only reason was to have my own special." "Oh, I know." "I'll tell you what." "Let me book you some colleges now then I'll take the special and show it to people and see if anybody wants to buy it." "We'll have a garage sale." "No, I'm over and out." "You're not over and out." "I am over and out." "You can't be." "I'll show you." "You've got a deal with ABC." "You've got to honor it." "All right." "How much longer is left on my contract?" "Well, you signed for five years, so four years and seven months." "Thank you." "It's really great to be here." "We're gonna have a great show tonight." "A really good one!" "We're gonna start by singing some songs." "Do Latka." "Yeah, Latka!" "What?" "Wait!" "Excuse me for one second." "I saw that." "Give me the book." "What book?" "Give me the book." "I'm not giving it to you." "Is something wrong?" "No, everything's fine." "Can I squeeze your nuts?" "Thanks." "They're asking for it." "Ladies and gentlemen, since you're such a special audience I am going to reveal for the very first time ever the real me." "That's right." "I'm actually British." "And though I dabble in clowning, I do find it so boorish." "So American." "I prefer the fine arts." "Henceforth, today I'm going to grace you with a reading of one of the greatest novels ever written  The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald." "Please." ""In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since." "'Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone,' he told me... '...just remember that all the people of this world--"'" "Latka!" ""But we've always been unusually communicative in a reserved way and I understood that he meant a great deal more than that."" "Thank you very much." ""In consequence, I'm inclined to reserve all judgments a habit that has opened up many curious natures to me and also made me the victim of not a few veteran bores."" "No, no." "No, no." "Please keep it down." "We've got a long way to go." ""They were the same people, or at least the same sort of people..." "The same profusion of--"" "I tell you what." "I tell you what." "Would you rather I kept reading or do you prefer to hear the phonograph record?" "Record." "I'm sorry, I can't hear you." "Are you positive?" "Yeah!" "Very well, then." "Yeah, Mighty Mouse!" ""Perhaps his presence gave the evening its quality of oppressiveness." "It stands out in my memory from Gatsby's other parties that summer. "" ""--green light, the orgiastic future that year by year recedes before us." "Tomorrow" "Tomorrow we will run faster stretch our arms out further and one fine morning..." "So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." "The End."" "All right!" "You want to play Arizona State?" "You give them Mighty Mouse, give them Elvis." "I gave them The Great Gatsby." "F. Scott Fitzgerald's best work." "A classic." "His finest work." "I don't care!" "Andy, you have to look inside and ask this question:" "Who are you trying to entertain?" "The audience or yourself?" "Excuse me." "Bob." "What, George?" "I'm worried about Andy." "This is not good." "His stress level is affecting his work!" "Calm down, though, George." "That's not gonna help anything." "Look Tony Clifton is gonna go on Taxi next week." "That should let him blow off steam and relieve the stress." "Bob, Andy needs to relax." "This is your job." "You have to take him away from all of this." "Would you come on?" "Come on!" "Hi, how you doing?" "Fine." "Great." "Hello." "Nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you." "How are you?" "Peachy." "What do we do now?" "Now you pick." "But what if I hurt somebody's feelings?" "For Chris sake, you're not gonna hurt anybody's feelings." "They're all professionals." "All right?" "Okay." "All right, which one?" "I will have both!" "I will have this fräulein, and the one with the big strudels." "Mach schnell, mach schnell!" "Oh, no." "Zmuda, I'm gonna kill you." "Excellent choice." "Hi." "Are you having a good day?" "It's a big day." "It's my buddy's first time with a prostitute." "What are you talking about?" "Andy comes here almost every weekend." "Who, Andy?" "He doesn't always call himself that." "Sometimes he's Tony and he wears a tux." "Sneak attack!" "If I gave you both $300 would you..." "Five hundred." "What am I?" "Harry Houdini?" "We busted through." "Come on, girls." "Welcome to the Follies Bree-gere!" "Here's the man, Tony Clifton!" "Taxi, laxy, just the factsy, Maxie!" "Hey, hotshot." "How you doing?" "Name's Ed Weinberger, executive" "Take a hike!" "All right." "All right, what are we doing?" "Here's your script, Tony." "That's the script I was given?" "Yeah." "That's the one I have to do?" "Okay, let me see." "Bullshit, bullshit, my line." "Bullshit, bullshit, my line." "That's hilarious!" "God, that's hilarious!" "I reviewed that script last night and I was not satisfied." "I was not satisfied." "Why don't we--?" "I made a few changes." "I stayed up all night with these sweet ladies." "This is Lemonade." "Sugar." "Ed, can we get to work?" "You going on a hot date?" "And this is Melonia." "How's my little produce department?" "This is the new Taxi theme song." "Oh, yes, we drive a taxi" "George." "I can't afford to blow this whole episode so we have to let him go." "I'm not sure how Andy's gonna take this." "We just have to go down and tell him." "But that's Tony down there." "It's not Andy." "I don't give a fuck who it is, he's fired." "Okay, all right." "But we better warn Andy first." "He's in San Francisco doing a concert." "I'll call my secretary." "Diane, this is George." "I'm trying to reach Andy up in San Francisco." "I'll patch you through." "I'll wait." "Hello?" "Andy, I'll put you on the speaker." "Hello, Andy." "I'm here with Ed over at Taxi." "Hi, Ed." "Hi, Andy." "How are you?" "I'm fine." "There's been some trouble with Tony." "Oh, no!" "Did he get hurt?" "No, Andy, it's nothing like" " No." "Did he hurt someone else?" "No, it's not that." "Andy, the reason I'm calling you like this is I have the utmost respect for your artistry." "Well, may I say that I've always appreciated that, Ed." "Thank you." "But you see, in this instance I have to ask your permission to fire Tony." "Oh, my..." "George, this is gonna kill Tony." "He's waited for this his whole life." "There'll be other shots." "Yeah, we have to do this." "He's just a terrible actor." "Okay." "But please let him down gently." "Trust us." "Fuck you!" "I'm not going!" "We had a deal." "I don't know who you talked to." "You must have talked to someone else!" "I was talking to Andy Kaufman!" "I don't know no Andy Kaufman!" "Okay!" "Security, get in here!" "Security!" "Come over here!" "Security!" "Don't hurt him!" "He's a talented man." "I don't want any pictures leaving this set!" "Hey, give me that!" "This is Zmuda, he's one of them!" "If you guys ever go to Vegas, you're not getting in!" "Hey, come here!" "Give me the camera!" "Give me the camera!" "I got 20 bucks says you work for me now!" "I would like to use the phone!" "Not on the lot, sir." "How about a bathroom?" "I may have shit my pants." "Drink of water?" "Aspirin?" "No." "Moist towelette?" "No." "In that case, it has been an honor and a goodbye." "This is great!" "This is too much, man." "It makes Tony real, you know?" "It gives him three dimensions." "It's good for his career, George." "Oh, really?" "You want to book Tony Clifton at Harrah's Tahoe." "I know the kids really like Andy Kaufman." "No, no, no, look." "Gene, let me be clear about this." "If you book Tony, do not expect to get Andy." "Well, you know what, I'll take my chances." "All right." "Be my guest." "Book him." "Shut up!" "Shut the hell up!" "All of you!" "Make one more sound, I'll come down and put your head in the soup!" "When I go like this, it means I expect total silence!" "There is an artiste on-stage." "That's better." "Oh, whether I'm right" "Or whether I'm wrong" "Whether I find a place in this world" "Or never belong" "I've got to be me" "I've gotta be me" "Willing to try to do it or die" "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "I do all my own stunts." "I've got to be" "What the hel"s going on?" "Kaufman!" "Kaufman's crapping on my act!" "Where's it say Kaufman's in the act?" "May I borrow this for a second?" "Now you are all wet." "You looked like you could use a little drink!" "Go on, get out of here!" "Don't leave, Andy, come back." "Get out of here, little drummer boy!" "Don't leave, Andy, come back!" "Go home!" "Close the goddamn door." "Close it!" "Look at you." "You're so proud." "You're like a kid who comes home from school:" ""Look, Dad, I got an F!"" "But wasn't it funny?" ""Yes, it was funny, Andy." "It was."" "Yes, it was funny for a little while until the audience realized that Tony wasn't you." "So what do you have here?" "A big elaborate joke that's only funny to two people in the universe." "You and you." "Yeah, sure, George." "And we happen to think that it's hilarious." "But what's the point?" "What is the point?" "It's fun, George." "How is this gonna make you the biggest star in the world?" "George at this point the audience expects me to shock them all the time." "But short of faking my own death or setting the theater on fire I don't know what else to do." "I've always gotta be one step ahead of them." "It's like ballet." "Did you see that?" "Bam!" "These guys are brilliant." "I want to be a bad-guy wrestler in the worst way." "I hate to break it to you, but you don't have the build or the look for it." "These guys are huge." "They would kick your ass." "Maybe I could pick on someone a little smaller than me." "Women are superior to men in many ways." "That's right." "When it comes to cooking, cleaning, washing the potatoes scrubbing the carrots, making the babies, mopping the floors they have it all over men." "I believe that." "But when it comes to wrestling" "Shut up!" "Be quiet when the man is talking!" "If there is a woman here who can come up here and prove me wrong I will shut my mouth and pay her $500!" "I can do it!" "First come first served." "Come on!" "You want to take me?" "Come on!" "What's your name, sweetheart?" "My name is Lynne." "Lynne is our volunteer." "You're pathetic." "You're pathetic." "We'll see about that, Suzy-Q!" "No kicking, biting, punching, scratching." "Do you understand?" "He's gonna play fair?" "You have to pin me." "I don't have to pin you." "Yes, I understand." "Very good." "Can we please shake hands?" "Come out wrestling when you hear the bell." "You see?" "You see this?" "Lynne, no chokeholds!" "I told you!" "Break it up, Kaufman!" "First warning!" "You pulled her hair!" "You won't be getting a second warning, Kaufman!" "Shut up!" "I am the champion!" "One." "Two." "Three!" "That is it!" "It is over!" "It is over!" "You are out!" "You are down!" "The winner and still undisputed Intergender Wrestling Champion of the World Andy Kaufman!" "I am the winner!" "I've got the brains!" "Ma'am?" "Here is your complimentary photo of Merv." "And your Turtle Wax." "I don't want Turtle Wax." "Every guest of Merv's takes Turtle Wax." "And your gift voucher to Red Lobster." "Thank you so much." "I just wanted to thank you for doing such a great job." "I really appreciate it." "Don't patronize me." "No, wait!" "What?" "I hope you don't take me seriously." "What I was saying, it's just part of the show." "It's like the old days of the carnival barker when he'd get the crowd all riled up." "So you just pretend to be an asshole." "That's what I'm good at." "Yeah, you are." "You are really, really good at it." "You are." "Merv Griffin got 2000 pieces of hate mail." "Don't make me laugh, George." "Andy, Merv does not get hate mail." "That means we're a success." "We got the room all worked-up, like punk rock." "They detest you." "The next time you make an appearance, women are gonna picket." "You think so?" "Yes, because you have not given them any clues that this is a parody." "I've only done it once." "They'll get used to it because I'm gonna do it again and again and again and again." "All right, you're out!" "You are out of here!" "Two adults, please." "Thank you." "Do you want some popcorn?" "No, thank you." "I really want one." "A large tub of popcorn, please." "Extra butter." "So why did you call me?" "You are the last person I expected to call me." "Gosh, gee, Lynne." "I mean I was just so impressed with your wrestling moves." "You were impressed with something." "You had a huge boner on national television." "Oh, man!" "Yes, you did." "I had it taped down and everything." "I hope I didn't offend you." "I'm here, aren't I?" "Want to go to Memphis and get married?" "Do I want to go to Memphis and get married?" "Why Memphis?" "Because Memphis is the wrestling capital of the world." "I'll get up in the ring and announce that I'll marry the first woman who beats me." "Then you can get up and we'll wrestle and I'll let you win." "You'll let me win?" "I'll let you win." "I'll let you." "And then we'll run off and we'll get married on The David Letterman Show." "Okay?" "What do you say?" "Is this for real?" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "I demand silence when I am talking!" "Total lack of respect from Mr. Hollywood." "If there is one woman here tonight who thinks she can defeat me that lucky little lady will get to marry me!" "Let me ask you, folks what kind of man would wrestle a woman anyway?" "Kaufman!" "Kaufman!" "I'll take you on, you sissy!" "Oh, the little lady is upset." "Let me tell you something." "Back to the kitchen where you belong before you get hurt, okay?" "You get in the kitchen, because I'm gonna make you do my dishes!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "This woman is a fake!" "She's nothing more than Andy Kaufman's girlfriend." "What?" "Well, there you go." "That's not true!" "That's not true!" "That is not true!" "It's true." "This is all a setup!" "I won't let you make fools of these people." "You understand me?" "Who the hell are you?" "I'm Jerry Lawler, The King of Memphis wrestling!" "He's a king!" "Hey, Kaufman if you want to wrestle somebody, I brought a real wrestler." "She's trained, and she's ready." "Let's see if you can handle Foxy Jackson!" "Come on, Foxy!" "Foxy Jackson and Andy Kaufman right here, one-on-one." "I never agreed to this!" "I will not do this!" "Lawler, I did not agree to this!" "This is against the rules!" "I don't think that Kaufman was prepared for Foxy Jackson." "Mr. Hollywood." "Again, Kaufman showing a total lack of respect." "Foxy Jackson's gonna take Kaufman to the woodshed, folks." "Kaufman hanging on the ropes like a little baby." "Foxy's about to take Kaufman right out of his shorts." "One, two..." "Can you believe the son of a gun?" "Come on, you won, get off of her!" "Get him off of her, come on." "There goes the king!" "The king just threw Kaufman down like a rag doll!" "The king took matters into his own hands." "What are you doing?" "!" "I do not wrestle men!" "I am gonna sue you, Lawler!" "I am a national TV star and I don't like dumb, stupid crackers..." "I did not agree to wrestle you!" "I did not agree!" "This is assault and battery!" "And I'm gonna get a team of lawyers to sue you and your children and your children's children." "Let me tell you something, Kaufman." "Wrestling's a very serious sport to me." "And I don't appreciate a jerk like you making fun of it!" "And I don't appreciate a jerk like you making fun of people from the South!" "So we can go to court if you want or you can get in the ring and wrestle for real." "Oh, you want to rassle me?" "You want to rassle me, Memphis God?" "Let me tell you something, Mr. Lawler." "I am gonna make you scream for mercy!" "They didn't know what hit them!" "Is it an act?" "Is it an act?" "Or are you just addicted to causing trouble?" "I can quit anytime I want, baby!" "You know what?" "I'm not a prop." "Don't ever treat me like that again." "I'm sorry." "I just get caught up, that's all." "Sometimes I get lost." "Please, please, Andy, enough with the wrestling." "You don't think that I can beat him?" "He's the Southern heavyweight champion!" "He'll kill you!" "I don't know." "I've wrestled bigger women and mopped the floor with them." "First you piss off women, then you piss off the South then you get killed." "And I did the booking." "Funny." "Listen, I got this job that I want you to take." "Guest-hosting the TV show Fridays." "It's not a great TV show but it'll be good for you." "It's live, they'll give you carte blanche and you get back in the business of making people laugh." "You said live?" "Live." "I don't do drug humor." "Andy, it's fine." "This is what the show is all about." "Kids love this stuff." "I don't do drugs, and I don't enjoy making light of them." "I was promised creative control." "Nobody promised that." "That's not true." "You got the script three days ago and didn't say a word." "We're going live, it's too late." "Let's go!" "Bring the audience in." "Janice!" "It's on!" "It's Fridays!" "Tonight's special guest star Andy Kaufman." "In this sketch, two married couples are out to dinner." "Everybody has secretly brought along a joint." "And Carl was the last one to sneak to the bathroom to get a little high." "And now he's coming back to the table." "Gee, restaurants are amazing, aren't they?" "Strangers just sitting around, stuffing dead animals into their faces." "It's incredible, isn't it?" "Yeah." "Gee, and the bathrooms are so colorful." "Everything okay, Carl?" "I'm sorry." "I just can't do it." "I can't play stoned." "Read the cue cards." "I can't play stoned." "I feel stupid." "You feel stupid?" "What about us?" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Andy." "You didn't have to do that." "Cut it out!" "You jerk!" "Okay, that's it!" "Joey, go to commercial, now!" "I didn't want to do this." "Get off my stage." "Get off my stage, man." "Don't you touch me!" "You're a nut!" "Break it up!" "You are a nut!" "Why does Andy do that?" "Why, why?" "I started using Suave" "We've gone to commercial!" "Excuse me!" "You'll never work at ABC again!" "Excuse me!" "Ladies and gentlemen, please." "You have all just participated in a happening." "Okay, now to make it real, some knew what was going on and some didn't." "I'm sorry." "But we don't want to upset the folks at home so now Andy is going to tell them that it was all just a prank." "Coming back from commercial and..." "During the commercials, the people at ABC told me to explain to you that this whole fight episode was staged." "Good." "It's a lie!" "It's a cover-up." "Why are you laughing?" "I don't understand the laughter." "I'm not being funny." "What you saw was real!" "These things happen all the time at the networks, only they cut away." "Cut to commercial." "You see?" "You see?" "They're gonna fire me." "If you want to see me, come to Memphis" "What's in Memphis?" "That kid is totally meshuga." "Jerry "The King" Lawler!" "The most popular athlete in the history of Memphis, Tennessee stepping inside the squared circle." "At 236 pounds Jerry "The King" Lawler!" "Introducing, at 1 91 pounds the holder of the World Intergender Championship here is Andy Kaufman!" "You can hear the ovation, or lack of one, for Andy Kaufman." "The cheers turn to jeers." "Lawler will settle the score for all of us." "We've been insulted by this hideous Andy Kaufman." "This man from Hollywood, California." "Before we begin this event, I just want to say a couple of things to you disgusting people!" "Oh, come on." "That's just not right." "Are you listening to me?" "!" "Okay!" "Ladies and gentlemen this is a bar of soap." "Say it with me." "Soap." "All you have to do is wet this bar of soap and wipe your hands with it, and rub it on your body and soon that disgusting filthy dirt will come off!" "Why is he saying these things?" "He's just engaging the audience." "He's riling them up." "They'll lynch him." "And now for lesson two." "This is toilet paper!" "Oh, good grief!" "Use it!" "Let me tell you something, Kaufman." "We've had enough of your crap." "Let's do what we came here to do." "Let's wrestle, right now!" "Here we go." "The King is ready, and I hope for Kaufman's sake, he's ready." "Kaufman's due a trip to the old woodshed here." "I never thought I'd see the day that" "Look at Kaufman." "Kaufman doesn't want any part of Lawler." "He's an absolute embarrassment to humanity this man from Hollywood." "You see, I am from Hollywood." "Who cares?" "I have the brains." "Nobody cares where you're from!" "I'm the king." "I'm the king of Memphis..." "..." "Tennessee." "Andy, please, let's go home." "Don't worry, Mom." "I'll make you proud." "Kaufman got nailed with something." "Some fan threw something." "Who did that?" "!" "You cannot touch me!" "I will sue you!" "I make more money in one day than you do in your entire lives combined!" "Did you come down here to wrestle or act like an ass?" "Now get in the ring!" "I'll give you a free headlock, okay?" "Come on!" "Lawler seems to be willing to offer a free hold here." "Drop it!" "Drop it now!" "It's okay!" "It's okay!" "Let Kaufman get in there, and let's see what kind of man he is." "One, two, three." "I can't believe that The King is gonna go through with this." "That bigmouthed son of a gun has got a free headlock!" "And business might pick up here." "I did it!" "Look out, Kaufman!" "There he goes!" "Hold on!" "Kaufman in trouble!" "Look out!" "Look out!" "The King's folded him up like an accordion." "And now The King is asking this crowd if they want to see the pile driver." "That's illegal." "Kaufman is out of it." "Oh, my!" "Oh, my!" "It's gonna be a pile driver!" "He's hurt bad." "That's an automatic disqualification right there." "Kaufman wins it, but he doesn't look like a winner right now." "Not so fast." "Keep it clear." "Keep it clear." "Hey, George." "Hey, Lorne." "Thanks for seeing me on such short notice." "I wanted to talk to you about putting Andy back on Saturday Night Live." "George, I don't know whether Andy works on the show anymore." "I mean, the wrestling stuff is just, I think it's worn" "Yeah, we all agree completely about..." "...the wrestling." "That's smart." "Andy is very sincere." "Right." "He's gonna apologize to Jerry Lawler and repent for all his bad-guy shenanigans." "I apologize for all the wrestling I've ever done." "And I'm sorry for all the grief I've ever given." "I was just playing bad-guy wrestler, you know?" "It's just a role, it's not me." "So I guess Jerry just took it personally." "Yeah, but you said some pretty inflammatory things, obviously." "Everything's a joke to this guy." "Like that thing." "I don't know if that's a neck brace or a flea collar." "That's not true." "This is serious." "I went to the hospital." "I was in traction for three days." "I'll tell you something else." "My father said I could've sued you for everything that you've got." "But I didn't, because I'm not that kind of guy." "What kind of guy are you?" "Tell you what I think maybe I'll get a lawyer, you know?" "Listen, if you were a man, you'd apologize to me right now." "But you're just poor white trash." "So I guess that's too lofty a concept for you." "What are you gonna do?" "Are we--?" "Is everything--?" "Are you okay?" "Huh?" "I'm sick of this shit, Lawler." "I'm suing you for everything you've got." "Fuck you!" "Okay?" "Okay, Lawler?" "Fuck you!" "I'm sorry, Dave." "I know I'm not supposed to say those things on television." "I can't say those words and I apologize." "I'm sorry." "But you are a f--ing --hole!" "Okay?" "!" "Well, well." "I think you can use some of those words on television but what you can't do is throw coffee." "Some of us at Saturday Night Live think Andy Kaufman's a comic genius but others disagree." "They say he's just not funny anymore." "So we're leaving the decision up to you." "To keep Andy, call 1-900-555-7618." "To dump him" "This is bad." "I only got 28 percent." "This is Saturday Night Live, the hippest audience in TV." "They turned on you." "Look, it pains me to say this but I don't think you two guys should ever work together again." "I'm sorry, George." "We just thought it was funny." "You don't have to be sorry, Jerry." "You're terrific." "You're just the best." "I wouldn't have traded it for anything." "To me, this was a shining moment for wrestling." "Me too." "And it was a shining moment for behavioral science." "Well, but why can't I make a gag out of this?" "I mean, maybe I could go on the show and I could say it was rigged and that I demand a recount." "You don't understand." "They don't want you back." "Now close your eyes." "If the thoughts of this world come into your head, don't be upset." "It's just your stress unraveling itself." "Just slowly come back to the mantra." "Andy?" "Please?" "Just continue your meditation." "I'll be back." "Jaiguru dev." "Jaiguru dev." "Hi, Andy." "Hi." "This is very difficult for me to say." "We feel that it's best if you don't attend the retreat." "Why?" "I go to the retreat every year." "I know, Andy, and we don't doubt your devotion to transcendental meditation." "It's just that we feel that you and the program have grown apart..." "Philosophically." "What's philosophically?" "The wrestling, the sexist remarks, the foul language they're not becoming of an enlightened individual." "It seems you just don't respect anything." "Of course I do." "I think of the world as an illusion and we shouldn't take ourselves so seriously." "Don't" "Don't, please do this." "You've got to let me attend these classes." "It's what keeps me balanced." "It's apparently not working." "Then help me." "Help me, okay?" "Guide me." "We just don't wish your presence here." "Hi!" "I brought you some Häagen-Dazs." "I don't deserve Häagen-Dazs." "I'm a bad person." "You aren't a bad person." "You are a complicated person." "You don't know the real me." "There isn't a real you." "Oh, yeah." "I forgot." "Baby." "Do you want to move in with me?" "What?" "Say it again." "Oh, Rose Marie" "I love you" "I'm always dreaming of you" "I'll get it!" "Kaufman and Margulies Center for Sexual Research." "Andy, it's George." "Hey, George." "I'm not sure we can do anything for you." "Andy, I got some crummy news." "Oh?" "Taxi has been canceled." "And the crummy news?" "Hey, do you want me to come over and talk about it?" "No, I'm sort of busy right now." "I'll see you next week, though." "Thanks." "Yuck." "And now, ladies and gentlemen, a treat for staying late." "Please welcome from Taxi, the Improv's own Mr. Andy Kaufman!" "Actually, Budd, you're wrong." "I found out today that Taxi has been canceled." "What?" "Not to mention that my wife left me and she took the kids." "I don't understand why you're laughing." "I'm not joking." "And then this morning I noticed that I have a cyst or some kind of boil on the back of my neck." "Look." "See?" "So I was thinking that since I'm still kind of a quasi-celebrity that maybe I could charge people to touch it." "Would anybody like to pay a dollar to touch my cyst?" "I'm serious." "I could really use the money right now." "It's a good deal." "Oh, okay." "Oh, wait, no." "You gotta pay first." "It's a dollar to touch my celebrity cyst." "Okay." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Thank you very much." "Would Andy like to tell us why he called us out at 4:00 in the morning?" "Yeah." "I have cancer." "Forget it." "Forget it!" "That is in terrible taste." "I don't want anything to do with this." "Nothing." "No, no, no." "That's good." "Yeah, we can make that play." "Okay." "And we'll just really drag it out." "All right?" "You get better, you get worse." "No, you die." "And then you come back to life!" "That's funny. ...but it's not a gag, Bob." "I got cancer." "I got lung cancer." "Lung cancer?" "That's ridiculous." "You don't even smoke." "I've got some freaky, rare kind." "It's called large-cell carcinoma." "I'm a lucky guy." "Have you told your family?" "No, no." "I don't want to tell them." "I've just..." "I've jerked them around so much." "Andy, look in my eye and tell me this is true." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Lynne!" "Come on." "If I find out that you're behind this, I'll kill you, Zmuda!" "What the hell are you talking about, George?" "I'm the one who just said I didn't believe him." "That's the kind of thing you two would do to fuck me up!" "We want the truth, boy." "The truth!" "My father says Lassie bit me, so I said she did too." "Lassie never bit you, and you know it!" "Case dismissed!" "Dad?" "The cancer started here in Andy's lungs and spread to his left arm." "We've initiated an aggressive radiation program." "See if we can eradicate the affected cells." "Dr." "Sullivan." "Excuse me, I'll be right back." "What a crock." "How dare you make light of this?" "I cried when he broke his neck." "He won't get me again." "Jesus Christ, Carol, he's got lung cancer." "He wants us scratching our heads, asking ourselves, "Is this real?"" "Of course it's real." "We're in a hospital." "Mom it's Cedars-Sinai." "It's a show-biz hospital." "Andy's studio friends probably run this place." "He plans these things." "He takes over and hires actors." "I didn't think that doctor was very convincing." "His costume had the wrong shoes." "He didn't have doctor shoes." "No, no, no, that's bullshit!" "No more Kaufman stories." "He burned us too many times." "A very reliable source told me Andy Kaufman has lung cancer." "Oh, please." "He's definitely not dying." "Now, those big white cells are attacking the cancer cells." "Attacking." "Attacking." "I see them." "I see the white cells." "Attacking." "Attacking." "He's an actor." "I recognize him from the In-Laws." "Yeah, that's true." "But he's also ordained in holistic medicine." "What am I supposed to do?" "I'm sick and I'm trying to get better, but everybody's looking at me funny." "I feel like I'm being surrounded by negative energy." "You're surrounded by what you create." "Oh, great." "Andy, you're the king of negative energy." "It's gotta stop." "If these negative vibes get out then everybody will talk about how sick I am." "And it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy." "How can I help you?" "I want to go back to work." "You want to tour the clubs?" "No clubs." "I want to reach the top." "Carnegie Hall!" "I just want this show to build and build!" "I want it to be everything that's joyful in the world." "Pile one thing on top of the other until the audience can't stand it and they turn into children, right in front of me." "I might even have a Santa Claus." "You can say, "Santa, what am I getting for Christmas this year?"" "And he says, "Cancer."" "No, that's-- I don't want to do that." "That's a bummer." "Okay, positive, positive." "Look, this is really great." "Santa and snow." "But it's gonna cost a fortune." "That's okay." "Not a problem." "Who's gonna pay for it, Andy?" "Tony Clifton." "Andy, Tony doesn't have that kind of money." "Don't you worry about that, George." "I know Tony a lot better than you do and if he has to work for another 10 years to pay it off he'll do it." "I got spurs that Jingle, jangle, jingle" "As I go riding merrily along" "And they sing Oh, ain't you glad you're single" "Ladies and gentlemen, we are so very fortunate tonight because we have with us the last surviving cowgirl from that 1931 film." "She's 94 years young." "Eleanor Cody Gould." "Eleanor, it's a real honor to have you here." "Thank you, Andy." "I'm delighted to be here." "It's really overwhelming to me." "Well, it's gonna get even better because we found one of the original hobbyhorses from your movie." "Do you think you could grace us with a couple of steps from "Jingle, Jangle, Jingle"?" "I don't think" "Okay, hit it!" "Faster, come on!" "Faster, faster!" "Faster!" "Stop!" "Andy!" "Is there a doctor in the house?" "Stop the music!" "Stop!" "We need a doctor." "Anyone?" "Please?" "Should we call an ambulance?" "Praise the Lord!" "She's alive!" "Hallelujah!" "Ladies and gentlemen, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir!" "Here comes Santa Claus Here comes Santa Claus" "Right down Santa Claus Lane" "My, gosh!" "I can't believe it!" "It's the Rockettes!" "Bells are ringing Children singing" "All is merry and bright" "Hang your stockings Say your prayers" "'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight" "Boys and girls, you won't believe this!" "Here comes Santa Claus!" "Hear those sleigh bells Jingle, jangle" "What a beautiful sight" "Jump in bed Cover up your head" "Since you've all been such good boys and girls I would like to take everybody in this entire audience out for milk and cookies." "There are buses outside." "Everybody, follow me!" "Don't worry, folks." "There's enough milk and cookies for everyone!" "And now we'll place the blue crystal." "Very high vibrations." "And it's wonderful, wonderful for its healing powers." "Okay." "Let's try two of those and another pink one." "All right." "Looks like something my dog puked up." "How about me and you dolls go out and get some real food?" "French fries and a porterhouse steak." "Or we can skip the meal and go right to the montage à trois." "Have you ever been with another woman?" "Well, like in the kitchen and stuff, yeah." "Okay, here." "This'll help." "Here, put that on your face." "There you go." "Hi." "Now you can't even tell the difference!" "We could put all of this together in a soup and pretend it's a porterhouse steak, Andy." "I am not Andy." "Andy's sick." "Chick, pick, wick, kick." "Dick!" "Whereas I am getting stronger and stronger!" "Hi, Andy." "You want to wrestle?" "Bob and I came up with an idea for a TV show." "It'll be a Saturday morning kind of thing." "You know, I can goof off with the kids." "We can sell that, Andy." "Did your doctor say it's okay to go back to work?" "No, but he will." "Because I'm going to the Philippines." "The Philippines?" "What's in the Philippines?" "A miracle." "I just want to say, until we meet again please remember:" "In this friendly, friendly world" "With each day so full of joy" "Why should any heart" "Be lonely" "In this friendly, friendly world" "With each night so full of dreams" "Why should any heart" "Be afraid" "Yep, it's a friendly world." "We should all treat each other like brothers and sisters." "So everybody put your arm around the person sitting next to you and sway back and forth in rhythm to the music." "Come on." "Everybody." "Even if you don't like the person sitting next to you." "Okay?" "When I say "Okay," you say "Okay!"" "Okay?" "Okay!" "Everybody sing:" "The world is such a wonderful place" "The world is such a wonderful place" "To wander through" "Follow the bouncing ball." "When you've got someone you love" "To wander along with you" "With the sky so full of stars." "With the sky so full of stars" "And the river so full of song" "Every heart should be" "So thankful" "Thankful for this friendly, friendly world." "Thankful for this friendly" "Friendly world" "Thank you for this friendly, friendly world." "Thank you and goodbye." "You guys want to see Andy tonight?" "Anybody got a flashlight and a couple of shovels?" "Okay, guys, let's do our dirt." "At first I was afraid I was "putrified"" "Kept thinking I could never live Without you by my side" "But then I spent so many nights" "Thinking how you did you me wrong" "And I grew strong" "I learned how to get along" "And now I'm back" "From outer space" "I just walked in to find you here" "With that sad look upon your face" "I should have changed that stupid lock I should have asked you for the key" "If I'd known for just one second You'd be back to bother me" "Go on now, go" "Walk out the door" "Don't turn around now You're not welcome anymore" "Weren't you the one that tried To hurt me with goodbye" "Did you think I'd stand there?" "Did you think I'd lay down and die?" "Oh, no, not I!" "I will survive" "As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive" "I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give" "I will survive" "I will survive" "I will survive"