"Oh, man, this is beautiful!" "Thank you very much." "Starting a soda company, are we?" "Ah, Fiona, you know, when you use the word "we" like that, it just makes me wanna... ah!" "Ooh, what did you do?" "Breakaway glass bottles." "I just got all my supplies for this epic Three Stooges marathon they're airing on channel 905." "Shouldn't you really be cutting back on your cable package until your royalty checks come in again?" "You don't understand, Fiona." "I am introducing Marcus to the greatest comedy trio of all time." "No, I think you are forgetting the long-running British comedy series," "Last of the Summer Wine." " Please..." " They're in the pub, they..." "Before you talk, ask yourself, "does anyone present actually want to hear what I'm about to say?"" "Great news, everybody." "Mrs. Holstein's osteoarthritis got so bad, she couldn't keep teaching." "Darling, that's terrible." "I know, it's just that they replaced her with the coolest teacher ever." "His name is Mr. Chris, and he makes English class so fun." "Last year, he canoed through Botswana in a boat he carved from a cedar log." "He has a scar from where a warthog tried to gore him." "And he says I have the soul of a poet." " Aw." " I mean, usually, it's just my mom that compliments me on my soul." "Oh, I haven't even told you guys the best part." "We're putting on an evening of famous Shakespeare scenes..." "And Mr. Chris cast me to play Romeo in the balcony scene!" " Hey, hey, lover boy." " Oh, that is so great." "Marcus and I have been reciting the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet since he was about four." "That's disgusting." "Oh, and, Will," "I told him you'd make the balcony set for my scene." "Oh, uh, you know, I'm a little swamped here." "Getting ready for a Stooge-Athon, dude." "But I already told everybody about the epic tree house you built me." "It is pretty epic." "Pretty epic?" "Look at that cherry red zigzag trim." "Nobody can build like you, Will." "Marcus, I know what you're doing, all right?" "And flattery will get you everywhere." " I'm on it." " Yes!" "All right, well, let's hear a bit of your Shakespeare then." "All right." "Juliet you're looking hotter than the sun, come on down from that balcony, let's have some fun." "Jules, you're my lady, my lovie, my boo." "I want you to know, I want to be with you." "Wicka-wicka!" "What?" "And Mr. Chris taught you that, did he?" "Yeah." "Oh, that is very satisfying, isn't it?" "Yeah." "It's my religion." "Here we go." "About a Boy - 02x06 "About a Balcony"" "Hello, uh, I'm Marcus's mother Fiona." "Just a minute." "And I really have an issue with the way that you're teaching, or should I say, butchering William Shakespeare." "Yeah." "Wow." "Pre-handshake insult." "Impressive." "Um, hi." "I'm Chris." "Hello." "Yeah, uh..." "So, the... the words of William Shakespeare..." " Right." " Have endured for 400 years." "He's perhaps the greatest writer in history." "So, I'd quite like you to explain what gives you," ""Mr. Chris," the authority to rewrite one of the greatest writers that's ever been." "Okay, first of all," "I love the guy as much as you do." "It's not like I'm saying I'm a better writer than our boy shakes." "Oh, but you think you should spread that love by teaching impressionable young children that his words are actually irrelevant?" "No, it's just that I think that when it comes to shakes..." "Will you just let Marcus do the original version of Romeo and Juliet?" "He already knows the scene and we've been performing it together since he was in diapers." "Look, I get it." "You're a single mom, it's just you and Marcus." "It's scary for you to let him try something that's out of your comfort zone." "No, no, it's not scary, it's blasphemy." "And how do you know that I'm a single mother?" "You regularly act out scenes about star-crossed lovers with your son." "It's kind of a dead giveaway." "Look, I've really got to run." "I'm not gonna let Marcus do the original scene." "What?" "What?" "No, wait." "W-w-w-what?" "I'm happy to discuss it further if you'd like." "How about tomorrow night?" "Raphael's at 6:00?" "Okay, okay, yes, yes, okay." "Great, I look forward to it." "Well, you shouldn't because I'm not finished, and let me remind you," ""a fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool."" "William Shakespeare." ""The empty vessel makes the loudest sound."" "Willy Shakes." "I'm not empty." " Fiona!" " Oh, hi, Dakota." " Hi." " How are you?" "Good, really good." " Yeah?" " Amazing, actually." "I'm still doing my sex-free nomadic year." "And how's that working out for you?" "So good." "I feel so in touch with the universe." "Like right now..." "I notice the smell of the air, the breeze on my legs." "It's almost like a man is caressing my calves, slowly moving his strong hands up my..." "Oh, God, there he is." " What?" " God, look at him." "He is so..." " Ugh, gorgeous." " Arrogant." " What?" " What are you talking about?" "What?" "Come on, look at him." "I'd dip my chip in that man guac, if you know what I mean." "I don't know what you mean." "I wonder what he smells like." "He smells like Eau De Pompous Moron." "He's making the kids do" ""rap Shakespeare." Ridiculous." "I'm meeting him at Raphael's later on to tell him," " you know, what I actually..." " Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa," " whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." " What?" "What?" "What?" "You're going on a date with the hottest teacher in school?" "No, ah!" "It's a parent-teacher thing." "After school hours at a wine bar?" "Just promise me you'll put on something sexy under that oversized iroquois priestess cardigan you always wear." "That way, when things take a romantic turn, you can lose a layer and be date ready." "I know the garment that you're referring to." "It's a sacagawea inspired cowl neck..." "Look at me." "Just promise me." "Even if it was a date, which it isn't, how would I know?" "Okay, you ready?" "Date." "If he has lost the tie and gone open collar," "Date." "Date." " God, I miss dating." " Mmm." "And by dating, I mean sex." "So, in Hamlet," "Bernardo and Marcellus are terrified of a ghost." "I've never met a ghost." "Have any of you?" "But we've all been scared of something, right?" "Well, this Russian dude named Stanislavski, he said that when you're acting, it's important to draw from your own experiences so we can actually channel real emotion." "So, if I was playing Bernardo," "I would think of a time when I was terrified..." "Like when I was climbing Kangchenjunga in Nepal, and all of a sudden, an avalanche came out of nowhere!" " What did you do?" " There was no time to think." "The earth was crumbling from under my feet!" "I leaped over the fault line, grabbed onto a tree as the earth fell away beneath me!" "It's all right." "You're safe here." "Thanks, Marcus." "Hey, maybe a little less watching Marcus, a little more balcony building, please." "This guy is not so great, right?" "I mean, he seems like a real try-hard." " Trying way too hard." " Yeah, try harder." "I mean, sure, he's really invested in the lives of all of his students and he's really well read, he's well traveled." "If I had smaller ears," "I'd have that haircut in a second." "Will you just shut up, dude?" "Go work on the back of the balcony." " I'm just saying he's handsome." " Shut up." "So I want you guys to go and practice your scenes and really try and channel some emotion from your real lives." "Okay?" "Go to it." "All right." "Oh, hey, Shea." "What are you doing here?" "Work detention." "Apparently you're not allowed to paint" ""this is a locker" on your locker." "You're so existential." "Yep." "Oh, hey, Mr. Chris, I wanted you to meet my friend, Will." "Sure." "Ahh, finally." "My two favorite men meeting face to face." " How you doing?" "Will." " Mr. Chris." "I'll go with Chris, you know, since I'm a grown-up." "Oh, uh, Mr. Chris, Will is the guy who wrote "Runaway Sleigh,"" "and now he gets to spend his days doing whatever he wants." "What can I say?" "I'm blessed." "Wow." "Good for you." "I mean, I'd go crazy doing nothing all day." "But hey, to each his own, right?" "Yeah, I don't do nothing, you know?" "I actually have a very busy, busy life." "He's in 11 fantasy football leagues." "Busy." "By the way, who cuts your hair?" "Do it myself." "Listen, I'm glad you met Marcus here and he's injected some purpose into your life." "You know, I see you're going for the small, minimalist approach to the balcony." "Did you have a chance to look at my director's notes?" "Because Romeo and Juliet should feel emotionally connected but physically separated, and the balcony really needs to provide that obstacle." "You know, Will, if you need any help," "Mr. Chris once built a cabin in Carmel, and he didn't even use any nails." "Just tongue and groove." "He's the coolest." "Yeah, uh, actually this is just the balcony foundation." "The balcony itself is gonna be much, much bigger." "Great, we'll leave you guys to it." " Great." " Bye, guys." "Bye, Shea." "We're making a bigger balcony." "What?" "What are you looking at?" "Fiona, hi." "Please, sit." "Look, I realize I probably didn't explain myself well yesterday." " I'll say." " It's not exactly easy to get 12-year-olds hyped about Shakespeare, so I modernize the language at first." "And then once they get excited about the stories and they start really getting into it, we move our way up to the original text." "Oh, you do?" "Yeah, but please, don't tell them." "I like it to be a horrible surprise." "Your secret's safe with me." "Have you been here before?" "They got a great wine list." "Wine?" "Yeah, um..." "Uh, no, I'll look, you order." "Uh, can I get a glass of hot water with lemon, please?" "I'll have an iced tea please." "So something tells me you've studied Shakespeare." "Uh, I was in Midsummer Night's Dre at university." "Helena?" "Yes." "Excuse me." "Can I change that water to a glass of the house cabernet?" "We're all adults here." "Yeah, I'll have the same." "Ooh!" "Well, I gotta be careful around you." "A woman who can hurl Shakespearian insults is a dangerous thing." "Oh, well, you were pretty quick with your retorts." "I think you can handle it." "I'm sorry about that." "Um, you are the opposite of an empty vessel." "Ah." "Um, so..." "Tell me more about, um..." "Ah!" "You guys made it!" "Great." "Come on, everyone snuggle in." "Huddle in." "Uh, you know, a few of the other parents were concerned about the performance, so I figured, why don't we all get together and talk about it?" " Yeah." " Hey, guys." "Hi, Marie." "You were in a court, not Clancy's poolroom." " Sit down!" " I'm a victim of circumstance." "Hey, uh, what are you doing there, bud?" "You're kind of interrupting the hilarity." "I'm just practicing the vocal warm-ups Mr. Chris taught us today." "I'm just so excited about the play, it's really hard to focus on anything else." "Well, let's try, all right, bud?" "I'm sorry, Will." "I'm ruining it for you." "I'm just gonna go home and rehearse." "No, no, we were gonna watch it together, man." "I'm trying to teach you some culture, and I feel like all you want to talk about is Shakespeare." "It's just Mr. Chris says my diction is sloppy, and I don't have a lot of time left before the show tonight." "And Mr. Chris says television is an opiate of the masses." "I'm sorry, Will, but I gotta go home and practice." "Opiate of the masses?" "Mr. Chris's mom is an opiate of the masses." "So how was it?" "94 other parents showed up at the table." "It was definitely not a date." "Huh." "I'm really sorry, Fiona." "Oh, no, it's not your fault." "I did feel a bit of a connection with him though when we were there." "Then I realized that he didn't, and that it was sort of ridiculous for me to think he'd be interested in me." "Well, it's his loss." "Yeah, yeah." "Does this mean I can go out with him?" " No." " Of course not." " Mm-mm." " I was clearly kidding." "Hey!" " Hoo!" "Hoo!" "Hoo!" " Yeah, no." "Theater, not football." "I'm saying double, double, toil and trouble." "How long before this mess will bubble?" "Am I crazy, or does this witch number two have the "It Factor"?" "Do you see that cauldron?" "It looks like it's made out of cardboard." "Our balcony is gonna blow that thing out of the water." "Can't wait to see Mr. Chris's face when he sees it." "Me too." "I love that look he gets when he's happy." "There's really nothing like it." "Oh, darling, I just wanted to make sure your Romeo hat was cocked correctly, and to do our good luck handshake." " Oh, I thought you forgot." " Oh, no, never." "Nothing about this is a handshake." "Your hands haven't even touched, even once." "Okay, buddy, that's us." "All right." " Hey, Andy, come here." " Ah!" "Come on!" "Why you doing that?" " Whoa, cool!" " Bloody hell." "I didn't know Juliet lived in the Chrysler building." "Do you think we went a little overboard?" "No such thing." " Wow." " Yeah." " Hi." " Hello." "Not so small and minimalist now, is it, big boy?" "Hey." "There's no way I'm climbing that." "Look, I know it's tall." "Like, um..." "Absurdly, insanely, "what were you thinking?" Tall." "But, it's..." "I'm sorry, Mr. Chris, I'm out." "Ah!" "Well, she's a real diva, isn't she?" "I guess we're gonna have to cancel the grand finale." "No, no." "Nobody panic." "I'll do it!" "I will, uh, play Juliet." "Okay." "Now, Marcus, I don't know Mr. Chris's version." "So we'll have to do it as Shakespeare wrote it, and God intended." "Wow." "Uh... places." "Come on, what's the matter?" "There's this little voice inside my head saying," ""don't go out in front of your entire school and do a love scene with your mother."" "It is I, Juliet." "Awaiting her Romeo." "I hope he gets here in a minute." "Woo!" "How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore?" "The Orchard walls are high and hard to climb, and this place death, considering who thou art, if my kinsmen find thee here." "With love's light wings did I o'erperch these walls, for stony limits cannot hold love out." "And what love can do, that dares love attempt." "Therefore thy kinsmen are no stop to me." "And but thou love me, let them find me here." "What the hell is he doing?" "He's not supposed to climb it!" "You read the director's notes?" "I read the director's notes." "The guy said read the director's notes." "Everybody did it." " Oh." " Oh, oh..." "Oo, ah!" "What are you doing?" "Help!" "Oh, Will." "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "Uh, it is I, the craftsman, here to hath help with your climb." "Craftsman, be gone." "Be gone and let the star-crossed lovers resume their forbidden courtship." "Yes, be gone, craftsman, be gone." "But I must reinforce thine tower so thou Romeo doesn't fall and become paralyzed." "Well, if the craftsman had done his job as he was supposed to, it seems the tower would stand like a pillar and not wobble like a Willow in the wind." "Well, if Romeo was a small middle school boy as he was supposed to be, and not a growneth man who eats too many potato-ith skins, we might not have this problem!" "Craftsman, make thyself bloody scarce." "Don't you think if it was up to the craftsman that he'd be pre... pretty much anywhere else in the world" " right now." " Ah!" "Ah!" "Do you really think this is the craftsman's idea of a good time?" "Here, give me your leg." " Whoa!" " Aah!" "Oh!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "I begged him to use more nails." " Unh!" " Oh." "Ah!" "The craftsman is very sorry." "Going to kill you." "You know, I'm sorry buddy, that, uh, did not go well." "It's all right, it could've been a lot worse." " How?" " Maybe a fire." "All right, everyone, listen up." "I am going to take the entire cast out for pizza to celebrate a terrific, albeit unusual, production." "Get changed out of your costumes, meet me in the lobby in 10." " Yes!" "Catch you later, Will." " All right, bud." "How much work detention did you get for spray painting one locker?" "It may have been slightly more than one locker." "It also may have been the principal's electric car." "Mm." "How'd it feel watching two grown men fight over you?" " Huh?" " I think your skinny-jeaned man friend is a little threatened by your new best bud." "You think Will is jealous of me and Mr. Chris?" "It's like Freud says, a big tower is never just a big tower." "Hey." "What's up?" "I thought you were going to pizza." "Nah, I decided I'd rather head home with you." "Yo, maybe we could heat up some Larry-aki chicken?" "Get our stooges on?" "Uh, what about Mr. Chris?" "He's great and all, but he's not... us, you know?" "Yeah." "All right, well, then let's get out of here." "We got about a hundred bottles to break over our heads." "All right, I'll go home and get my helmet." "You don't need a helmet, man, they don't hurt." "I have a very sensitive skull, Will." "Sometimes even my beanie makes me sore." "But I suffer for fashion." "Yeah." "I think it's time we talked about that fashion." "Hello." " Hi." " Are you all right?" "Battle wound." "Well, balcony wound." "I'm sorry that my stupid neighbor ruined our scene." "Well the play ends with a double suicide, so all things considered, it could have been a lot worse." "Yeah." "Um, I'm not sure what's happening." "Um, in the cafe, I thought I felt something, and then I think I was wrong." "And then, in that scene, that felt real, and it's probably just because it's Shakespeare and he is the greatest writer who ever lived and had..." "It was real." "At least for me." "I gotta take a group of seventh graders out for pizza." "Good night, Fiona." "Good night." " Ah!" " Oh!" " Ow!" " Oh!" " Ah, that was real." " Are you okay?" "That's okay." " No!" " I got it!" " Ahh!" " Yeah!" "I don't get it."