"So how long's this been going on for?" "I don't know." "A few weeks?" " A long time." " A year?" "I suppose so." "A whole year?" "You've taken your time to come and see me, haven't you?" "You think it's going to stop, don't you?" "I'll just take your blood pressure." "Can you pop your arm on the desk for me?" "There you go." "If you straighten it up and push up your sleeve..." "Are you dozing in the daytime?" "Sometimes." "So, I just need something to help me sleep." "I know." "How much sleep are you getting at night?" "I'm not getting any." "That's why I'm here." "I understand, sweetheart." "OK." "It's just going to go tight." "Have you got any particular worries at the moment?" "No financial problems?" "No." "I don't know what that's got to do with it." "What about at home?" "How are things with husband?" "OK, if you just lean forward and take a few deep breaths, in through your mouth." "And again." "It's lovely and clear." " Have you got any kids?" " Yes." " Are they still at home with you?" " Son is, works with his father." "Daughter's left, only see her when she wants something." "And how about you?" "Have you started your menopause?" "Yes." "Everything OK?" "So, will you give me some sleeping tablets?" "Maybe, but it might not solve your problem." "Give me a night's sleep, though, wouldn't it?" " How much alcohol are you drinking?" " I don't drink." "My husband drinks." "Is it a problem?" "No." "Are you taking any drugs, medication?" "How about coffee?" "Are you drinking a lot to keep awake?" "Coffee, yes." " Tea?" " Yes." "Well, we might have to look at that, mightn't we?" "OK." "Your blood pressure is slightly up, but I'm not overly concerned about that." "But I do want you to have a blood test, to check your thyroid." "You can make an appointment at reception." "All right?" "Yes." "Now, I will give you something to help you sleep but just enough for a week." " What good's that?" " Insomnia isn't a disease." "Sleeping tablets won't make it go away." "We need to find the cause." "Now, you're obviously anxious, and a little depressed." "So I want you to come back and speak to our counsellor." " What for?" " I think she'd be able to help you." "But you'll give me the prescription now?" "Yes, but will you see the counsellor?" "I think it will do you some good." "You think about it for a moment." "Tom!" "Give us it." " Don't do your back in." " I know." "It doesn't get any easier." "Job for a younger man, this." "Joe used to love it here." "Did you speak to my son and heir?" "I left him a message on his answerphone." "It's going to rain again." " Now, then." " Hello, boss." " What you got?" " You hit rock, then?" "Yeah, we just gone through." "This is the fourth, so I reckon, what, 17½?" "Give or take." " 17½?" "It's got to be a scour hollow." " Probably." " All right, Mick?" " All right." "Hello." "How long will it take us to get back?" " 25, with traffic." "Are you hungry?" " I am." "Good." "There you go." "Yes, London clay." "Thank you." " Thanks, Andy." "See you." " Cheers." "Ta-ta." " Dusting of mica." " Let's have a look." "Hmm, it's quite nice." "Very nice." " It's just a dusting, isn't it?" " Yeah." "What would you say was the happiest moment in your life?" "What do you mean?" "Your nicest memory." "Have a think." "When your children were born?" " Your wedding day?" " I don't know." "Take your time." "I can't remember." " Can't or won't?" " Mm?" "Can't or won't remember?" "Don't know what I'm doing here." "I didn't want to come." "Don't want to talk about my family." "Why should I?" "None of your business." "All I need is a good night's sleep and nobody's helping me." "Janet, I want to help you." "That's why we're here." "I know it's not easy to talk about personal things." "Suppose the boot was on the other foot, and someone came to you, say, your daughter, and said, "I haven't been sleeping for months."" "What would you say to them?" ""Go to the doctor."" "What else would you say?" "I don't know." "What would you ask her?" "Is she eating all right?" "I don't know, something like that." "Good." "Anything else?" "That a couple of months of proper sleep would sort it out." "Sort what out?" "The sleeping." "OK." "On a scale of one to ten how happy would you say you are, Janet?" " One." " One." "I think there's room for improvement there, don't you?" "What is the one thing that would improve your life, apart from sleep?" " A different life." " A different life." "Change is frightening, isn't it?" "Nothing changes." "Hope to see you next week, Janet." "Same time." "I'll be here, but it's up to you." "No pressure." "Bye." " Bye-bye, Sam." " Bye." "Look at you!" "You look like you're fit to burst." "I am fit to burst." "Big boy's wrestling his way down." "If he pops out, give me a shout." "Sweetheart, I'll do more than shout." " Hi, Gerri." " Hello, Mary." "You're a sight for sore eyes." " Can you process these for me?" " Oh, well, seeing as it's you." " How are you?" " I'm snowed under, to be honest, and I've got a headache." "Have you seen the doctor?" "Hello, Gemma." "Do you fancy a drink tonight?" " I'd love one." " Great." "Are you sure?" " I've only got an hour." " That's all right." " Tom's cooking supper." " Oh, lovely." " I'll see you later." " Yeah." "Do you know, Gerri, I've never been with a man who could cook." " Haven't you?" " No." " They could do other things." " That doesn't get you fed." "No, it keeps a girl happy, though." " And you can't cook." " No." "Well, I can a bit." " But it's not really my thing." " No, it's not." "Oh, no, don't remind me about that, Gerri." "You could put an ad in the paper "Chef wanted"." "Yeah."Chef/boyfriend required for gorgeous girl."" "No, "Mature woman with cat."" "No, "Maturish"." "We don't want to put them off, do we?" "It's lovely the way you and Tom do everything together." " We're very lucky." " Yeah." "You are, but you deserve it." " You're both such lovely people." " Oops, my halo's slipping." "Yeah, Saint Gerri." "No, but I'm really comfortable with where I am in my life, as you know." "I've got my lovely little garden flat, a good job." "I've got my health, touch wood, I've got my independence." "I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not all rosy." "I have good days and bad days like everyone else, but, hey!" "Are you going to do something about your garden?" "Oh, don't remind me!" "I'm really guilty about that." " I've neglected it, haven't I?" " Yes, you have." "But yesterday I was brushing my teeth and I looked out the window and I saw these two daffodils peeping over the top of the grass." "I must get it cut." " Get yourself that lawn mower." " I know." "Couldn't I just get a man in?" "It wouldn't cost much." " Hmm."Gardener/chef/boyfriend."" " Yeah!" "But I don't want to spend too much money because I'm going to get myself a little car." " Are you?" " Yeah, I've decided it's about time." " It's a big step." " I know." "It's exciting, isn't it?" "I mean, I've got a little bit of money." "Not a lot, but enough." "But I'll have to cut back on, you know, shoes, clothes, jewellery, my knick-knacky things." "But that's OK because I've got loads of clothes." "My wardrobe isn't big enough." "In fact, I'm not doing anything this weekend, so I'll get up really early, sort my winter clothes into plastic bags and shove them under the bed." " Can I top you up?" " No, I'm going now, Mary." " Won't you help me finish it?" " No, really." " Oh, all right." "Well, I think I'm going to stay for a little while." "How's Joe?" "Have you heard from him this week?" " No, but I'm sure he's fine." " Still no girlfriend?" "I've no idea." "He must have something on the go, a good-looking boy like him." " See you on Thursday." " Oh!" "You're coming for supper on Saturday." "Oh, lovely." "Thank you, Gerri." "Give my love to that lovely Tom." " I will." "You take care." " Yeah." "Sorry I'm late." "I'm sorry." "What's for supper?" "Arrabbiata." "Are you hungry?" "I'm starving." "Hello." "Have a taste." "I hope it's not too hot." "You can never tell with chillies." " No." " No?" "Oh, it's coming out my ears." "Good." "Glass of wine?" "No, I've had a couple." "Oh, go on, just a smidgeon." "That's the spirit." " How was your day?" " Good." "I was out and about, getting my hands dirty." " How about you?" " Disappointing." "Pass me the parsley." "No breakthroughs?" "I had my alcoholic tutor in again." "Yeah?" " He was pissed as a fart." " Really?" "It was very upsetting, actually." "How did you handle it?" "I bought him a double Scotch." "No, I had to challenge him." "I told him it was up to him." "How did he take that?" "Well, I don't know." "We'll have to see." " Well, at least he came." " Hmm." " Have we heard from Joe?" " No." "But I haven't checked my e-mails." "I'll ring him later." "I'd love to see him." "He's all right." "Mr Gupta?" "Joe Hepple, nice to meet you." " I just came with him." " Ah, good." "Just follow me this way, please." "This way." "Excuse the mess." "You sit there, Mr Gupta, and..." "I'll pop you there." "OK, now we've opened all these letters, and I've seen all I need to see for the time being." "Obviously, it's a sizeable correspondence and, understandably, Mr Gupta hasn't exactly been in a position to open them, seeing as he's been in hospital for the past ten weeks." "But, you're looking fit and raring to go, Mr Gupta." "Huh?" "Excuse me." " Hm?" " How long will this take?" "Not too long." "It's just I have to get back to work." "What do you do?" "Er, I'm..." "Restaurant family business." "Oh, tasty." "OK." "Erm... it's important for Mr Gupta to understand that at this point he's in no danger of being evicted." "Acha?" "OK?" "I'll take you briefly through what is going to happen in court." "Erm..." "I'll be representing Mr Gupta on the day." "We'll put the case to the judge and... he will agree to adjourn which will then give us time to sort things out, OK?" "So, I'll..." "Excuse me." "Hello?" " I'll get it!" "All right." " Hello, Mary." " Hi, Gerri." " It's stopped raining, thank goodness." " I know." " Welcome." " Oh, thank you." "I bought you a little present, some thyme." " That's lovely." "Thank you." " It's nothing much." " Oh, there he is." " Hello, love." "Hello, Tom." "Oh!" "I'm sorry, I just had to have a cigarette" " and I know you don't like the smell." " Don't be daft." " I'm trying to give up, aren't I, Gerri?" " Oh, are you?" "Only I've just had a bad experience on the tube." " What happened?" " There was this man." " What did he do?" " Well, he was looking at me." "I mean, every time I looked up, he was looking at me." " Oh, dear." " It was a bit unsettling, to be honest." "Well, you're here now." "Exactly, and I'm very happy to be here with both of you." "This is for you, Tom." " Ah!" " It's nothing special." "Buenos Aires." "Yeah, because I thought you went there, didn't you, the two of you, Argentina?" " No, we didn't, no." " No." " Didn't you?" " No." "Tom's been to Brazil, digging his holes." " Yeah." " Oh, I'm so stupid sometimes." " That's all right." " Oh, honestly," "Pow!" "What are you going to do with me, eh?" "I'm just going to run upstairs." "Is that all right?" "I won't be a minute." " I haven't seen you since Christmas." " Really?" " Oh, it's just the three of us tonight?" " Yes." " I did tell you." " Did you?" " Mm." " We wanted you all to ourselves, Mary." "Oh, thank you, Tom." "That's what all the boys say." "No, I wasn't sure what to wear." "I didn't know if it was going to be one of your big dinner parties," " or just us, you know, casual." " I think you got it just about right, Mary." " You look lovely." " Oh, thank you, Gerri." " Oh... sorry." " Did you have a late night?" "Oh!" "I stayed up watching the film." "I couldn't wake up this morning." "No, but it was lovely having a lie-in on my day off." " We stayed in." " Did you?" " We listened to some music." " Amongst other things." " I thought Joe might be coming." " I don't think so." " He's coming tomorrow." " Oh, that's a shame." "I won't see him." "Did Gerri tell you about me getting a car, Tom?" "Yes." " What do you think?" " Exciting." "What are you going to get?" "Oh, well, I don't know." "Something small and... red." "Small and red?" "Well, that narrows it down." " Yeah." " I hope you're hungry." " I'm starving, Gerri, you know me." " We'll have to fatten you up." "Oh, it's lovely having your dinner cooked for you." "You don't really bother when you're by yourself." " You look well." " Oh, thank you, Tom." "You're nice and slim." "Am I?" "Well, I've always been slim, haven't I?" " Unlike me." "Middle-aged spread." " Shut up." "You're perfect." "Gorgeous in every way." "And you know it." "Sit yourself down, Mary." "Help yourself to another drink." "How is that dressing coming along?" "As well as can be expected." "I hear you're going to the Emerald Isle again, Tom." "That's correct." "Rent a cottage, take the car." " Put the tent in the back." " And the sleeping bags." " If it's nice we might do a bit of camping." " Oh, no." "I wouldn't fancy sleeping in a tent, thank you very much." "No, I never had you down as one of nature's Girl Guides, Mary." "No, Tom." "But I am always prepared." " Yes, but what for?" " For anything, Gerri." " You know me." " Yes, I do." "I'm not going to get a holiday this year." "But then I never do, do I, Gerri?" "Because I haven't got anyone to go with." "It's all right for you two, you've got each other." "We're going to the Ring of Kerry." "The what?" " The Ring of Kerry." "It's an area." " Tralee," " Dingle Bay." " Oh, lovely." "You've been there before, haven't you?" " That was Donegal." " Oh." "The geologist stands on the beach with his back to the sea and looks at the cliffs whilst the geologist's wife stands on the beach with her back to the cliffs looking at the sea." "You see, I can't afford to buy my car and have a holiday." "But, if I had more money, then I could do both." "But when you've got your car, Mary, you'll be able to go wherever you want," " very reasonably." " Exactly, Tom." "That's exactly why I'm getting it." "You see, I like just taking off and escaping, don't I, Gerri?" "Hm." "I feel like I'm being somebody else." " Really?" "Who's that, then?" " Tom!" "I like to get on the train..." "But, you see, the car is cheaper than the train, isn't it?" "Not environmentally." "Oh, what you mean...?" "Those are my carbon footprints, Gerri." "Yes, I know." "Financially, cars are cheaper." "That's why there's no incentive to go by train." "Well, what about the airlines?" "No government wants to increase the duty on aviation fuel." "No." "And this government won't invest in the railways, so anything we do is a piss in the ocean." "Absolutely." "And then there's the big corporations, who keep their lights on all night in empty office blocks." "We're all expected to do our bit with eco bulbs." "I know." "Should I stop recycling, then, Gerri?" " No." "You've got to set an example." " Yeah." " Plant a few tomatoes." "And courgettes." "I am very environmentally friendly, actually." " Are you?" " Yeah." "I don't fly." "I don't live in a house that's more than I need." "I don't cook." " Other people cook for you, though." " Who?" "You get takeaways, don't you?" "That doesn't count." "Everybody gets takeaways." "You've built whole motorways, Tom." "How environmentally friendly is that?" "Exactly!" "More cars!" "More cars!" "At least I'm buying an old car." " Recycled." " Yeah." "Yet we're constantly told that the measure of a thriving economy is the sale of new cars." "Yes, but, Tom if I buy a new car that's another car." "You're absolutely right, Mary." "And would you like some coffee?" "No, thank you." "I'd like my usual." "Are you all right, Gerri?" "Yes, Mary, I'm fine." "How are you?" "I'm happy." "Good." "I just wanted to say that if you ever need to share anything I'm here for you." "I'm a very good listener." "Thank you, Mary, but I'm fine." "Yeah, I know." "It's very kind of you, Mary." "Oh, Gerri." "Everybody needs someone to talk to, don't they?" "Yes, Mary, they do." "Oh, well, onwards and upwards." "You'd better stay the night." "No." "No." "Well, I think you should." "All right, Gerri, you're the boss." "We'll find you a T-shirt again." "Will you?" "I've found you a toothbrush." "I sometimes wonder what he's doing." "If he thinks about me." "I bet he does." "How old was he?" "He'll be 64 now." "64?" "Blimey, he's older than me." " Almost a pensioner." "He'll be past it now, Mary." " Give us your hand." " Oh, no, Tom." "He was lovely." "Well, we all grow old." "Oh, no, but he was very, very, sexy, Gerri." "Do you know what I mean?" "Too much information." "I bet he regrets it deep down." "I hope he does." "He was my big love but he was married." "Well, what can you do, Tom?" "You can't walk around with a label saying," ""Don't fall in love with me, I'm married," can you?" "Some people wear a ring." "He didn't." "But he wasn't a bad person." "He loved me." "Sounds to me like he was a duplicitous shit." "Tom?" "Do you think it was my fault, Tom?" "No, I don't, Mary." "Honest." "It takes two to tango." "Oh, so you think it was my fault, Gerri?" " I didn't say that." " No, I know you didn't, really." "I blame my big heart." "Well, we all have to make choices, don't we?" "Why do I always get it wrong, Gerri?" "I mean, look what happened when I got divorced from that shit." "I let him palm me off with 5,000..." "nothing pounds and what am I left with now?" "Sod all." "I'm living in a poky rented flat when I should have my own home at my age." "It's not fair." "Bastard." "My goodness." "Hm?" " She gets worse." " I know." "Desperate." "I feel a bit guilty." "What?" "Well, you know." "No." "No." "You're right." "I don't think I really enjoyed history at school." "Didn't you?" "Maybe I did." "It's just that the older you get, the more relevant it seems." "Hm." "To state the bleeding obvious." "We'll be part of history soon." "Exactly." " Aha!" " Aha!" "What are you doing riding on the pavement, young man?" "I'm breaking the law, officer." " 'Ey up." " Hiya." " How long did it take?" " About an hour." " Are you knackered?" " I'm ready for bed." " Late night?" " Hangover." " Do you want a hand?" " Yes, please." " I'll stick this away." " All right." "Oh, he's back." "That was quick, Tom." " Didn't you get the manure?" "Compost." " Here's Joe!" " Hi, Mary." "Hello, Joe, what a surprise." " Are you all right?" " I'm great." "How are you?" " Oh, continental!" "He's all sweaty." " I've been riding all morning." "Have you?" "I like your hat." " Aha!" " Aha!" "Ah, that's right." "Never forget to kiss your mum." " I never do." " No, you're a good boy, aren't you?" " Yeah." " I remember when you were this big." "You were a naughty boy." " I still am from time to time." " Oh, really?" " I like your coat." " Oh, thank you." "I think I'm a bit overdressed for a Sunday morning." "What do you think?" " Is that what you wore in bed?" " I slept in your bed." "Is that all right?" " As long as you cleaned the sheets." " No, I didn't." "Is that a problem?" " We'll have to wait and see." " Oh, right." "Oh, sorry, Tom." "I'm in your way." "All of these strong men." " Look at his muscles." " That's why we had him." "All right, well, I'm off, then." " You want a lift to the station?" " It's all right." " Are you sure?" " I'll be fine." "I could do with a walk." "Yeah." " Sorry about... you know..." " It's OK." "It was good to see you." " Oh, thank you, Tom." "Are you all right?" "Yeah, you know." "Had a bit of a wild night, Joe." "Well, I'd best be off." "Oh, thanks for saving me that breakfast." "It was really delicious." " You're very welcome, Mary." " Yeah." "It's lovely to see you, Joe." "I'll see you soon, I hope." "See you soon." " Yeah, hopefully." "Well, have a lovely day together, all of you." " Right." "Ta-ta, then." " Yeah, OK." "Bye." " See you on Tuesday, Gerri." " Bye, Mary." "Take care." "Bye." " Bye Joe." "Bye." " Bye." " Bye." "There you go." " Delicious." " Present for you." "Matt's getting married." "Oh, Mathew!" "Oh, is he?" "Matt with the guitar?" "No, that's Paul." "Oh, Matt, yeah." "That's great." " Have you met the lady in question?" " Certainly have." " Is she worthy of him?" " No, they hate each other." "You mean, is he worthy of her?" "Oh, beg your pardon, Mrs Pankhurst." "Where's the stag do this time?" "Buenos Aires?" " No, Dublin." " Ooh, lovely." "Another capital city brought to its knees." "Well, we'll try and leave it as we find it." " When are you going?" " July." "The wedding's August." "Lovely." "I'll make some tea." "So, when's it going to be your turn?" "A week on Wednesday?" " Oh, you didn't say." "I didn't want to spoil the surprise." " I knew." " Oh, no, I haven't bought a hat." "Any news?" "Nobody...?" "No, still quiet on that front." "What?" "Sorry, love." "Excuse me." "Who's that a-knocking on my door?" "It's only me!" " Bugger off!" " Hello, Tom, mate." "Hiya, Gerri, love." " Hi, Ken, how are you?" " I'm all right." " Oh, crushed ribs." " Sorry." " Give us your bag." " I'm bursting for a pee." "I'll just run upstairs." "Is that all right?" "I'll put it on your bed." "You're in Joe's room." " Ooh, that's better." "I needed that." " I'll take your coat." "Thanks, mate." " Ooh, Gerri." " Careful, Ken." " Would you like a beer?" " Oh, I'd love one, ta." "Hup!" "Ha, ha, ha!" " Maniacs." " Oh..." "Mm." "Mm." " It's great this." " Thank you." "Mm!" "Better?" "I haven't eaten since breakfast." " Haven't you?" " No." "It's great to see you both." "Cheers." "Cheers." " Mm." " So how's your flat, Ken?" "Oh, same old, same old." "You employed a cleaner yet?" "If I got a cleaner in, she'd turn round, walk straight out again." "It might give her a purpose in life." " Bit of a mess, but it suits me." " Yeah." "Five minutes walk to work." "I usually get the bus, but if I'm late, I have to leg it, if I miss the bus." "I stop at the caff to pick up breakfast." "I have a croissant if they haven't got any iced buns." "Cup of tea." "I have to smuggle it in." "Just because of that Steve." "He's a right fascist." "That's your boss, isn't it?" " Yeah, my boss." "My supervisor." " Is he still there?" "Oh, yeah." "He's only been with us three..." "no, two years." "35, looks 12, treats me like a child." "Bloody graduate." " You're a graduate." " We're all graduates, aren't we?" " Oh, yeah, so we are!" " You forgot." "Would you like some salad, Ken?" " No, no." "I'm all right, ta." " Sure?" "I mean, you spend nearly 40 years trying to get people out of the dole queue and into jobs." "What thanks do you get?" "I'm sick of it!" "At your age, you can walk away, can't you?" "Hm." "I don't know." "You've got a good retirement package." "Index linked pension." " I could have gone two years ago." " Why didn't you?" " It's not that easy, is it?" " Isn't it?" "What would you do with your time if you retired, Ken?" "Pub." "Eat, drink, be merry." "I don't know." "How's Joe?" " He's fine." "You'll see him on Sunday." "He's well." "Oh, great." "Has he got a girlfriend?" "No, I don't think so." "Not that we know of." "Who else is coming to the barbeque?" "Jack and Janey." "Tanya, GP from work." " Mary." " Oh, Mary." "Is she?" "Then, of course, there's yourself, sir." "The guest of honour." "Hooray!" "I don't know about that." "What else you been up to?" "Oh, nothing much." "Mm!" "Oh, no, hey." "Guess where I went the other week." " Where?" " Hull versus Derby." " Ho, ho, ho!" "Who'd you cheer for?" " Derby, of course." "I had to keep quiet, I got stuck with the home mob." " Was there owt worth cheering?" " No, it were crap." "I don't think my brother ever missed one home game." "No." "Me and my dad used to stand with him on the terraces." "You used to leave Carl at your mum's on a Saturday afternoon." "Remember?" "Oh, yeah." "You could hear the roar of the crowd from the front room." "Of course you could." "It was three streets away." "Our house used to shake." "Ours did." "They all did." "During the Clough glory years, we were at the centre of the footballing universe." " You never went." " I did occasionally." "I wasn't manic, like him." "I don't think Ronnie can afford to go now, the price of season tickets." "How is Ronnie?" "I haven't seen him for years." " He's 70 now, you know." "Is he?" " Carl's 41." "Bloody hell." " Linda's still working." " She's kept him all his life." " She's worn out, poor woman." "Is Carl the same?" "As far as we know." "Very sad." "Linda's heartbroken." "So's Ronnie." " He's cut himself off." "I used to have a drink with Ronnie." "When my dad was in the home, I'd go to Derby, he was always in the pub." "Yep, that's one of the advantages of being free from the tyranny of regular employment." " He never bought a round." " Are you accusing my brother" " of being a mean bastard?" " Yeah, I am." " You're right, he is." " I know." "Mm." "I mean, I..." "You get to a certain age..." "I can't go to the places I used to." "They don't like old fogies." " You don't have to go." "They're my pubs." "Not any more, they're not." "Except they're not like pubs now, they're all poncy bars." "Exactly, things change." "When I started at work, we'd all socialise together." "On a Friday night, everybody would go to the pub for a drink, go for a curry." "But now..." "It's hard, isn't it?" "I mean, who would I go on holiday with?" "There's nobody, let's face it." "The only time I went on holiday was with Pam." "Spain." "Nightmare." "Didn't you go away with Andrea?" "No, she went off with her sister." "You remember?" "Oh, yeah." "Stood me up, the bitch." "It leaves a nasty taste, doesn't it?" "Girls in bikinis covered with suntan oil." "Boys flexing their muscles on the beach." "No, it's not for me." "Oh, I don't know." "Sounds nice." "You could try a cultural holiday." "No, I'm not one for culture." "Pub culture." "Young people, young people." "Everything's for young people." "These bars, you know, they're full of young people shouting about nothing." "I seem to remember you got banned from a number of pubs in Hull for shouting about nothing, when you were a young person." "Right." ""Ken, we like you." "You're a good bloke, you're good on the darts, but if you talk about politics again, you're barred."" "No, but these kids, they're just bloody noisy." "Isle of Wight Festival, 1968." "We were noisy, weren't we?" " We weren't, he was." " You were noisy." " You were noisy." " I know I was noisy." "Remember Plastic Penny?" "Plastic Penny." " Where are they now?" " You fancied Plastic Penny." "It's the young person's prerogative to be noisy." "Yeah, I know, I know." "It's all my own fault." "I'm not meeting the right people." "I'm stuck in a rut." "It's not your fault, Ken." "You are stuck in a rut." "That's why you can't face retirement." "Yeah, I know." "I'm dreading getting on that train Sunday night." "I always do." " Why?" " I know what I'll be thinking." "There's nothing for me in Hull any more." "Except my job." "Most of my friends have gone." "Hit you hard when Gordon died, didn't it?" "And his wife." "Is she gone?" "Yes." "Oh, yeah, they're both gone now." "Funnily enough, I was thinking about him on the way down." "I looked out the windows when we were in Lincolnshire," "I saw this fucking tree." "It rem..." "It reminded me of his funeral." "Oh, Ken." "Ken." "Ken." "Come on." "Gerri, I'm sorry." "It's all right." "I'm sorry, Tom." "How you doing?" " I feel like shit." " You look like shit." "I know." " Apart from that, how are you doing?" " I still feel like shit." "I'll race you to the top." " What?" " Snake Pass, I'll race you." "Oh, yeah." "When was the last time you sat on a bike?" "1896, penny-farthing." "I tell you what." "You and me, we'll walk from Edale to Matlock Bath." "Take as long as it takes." "Stay in nice pubs along the way." "What do you reckon?" "I'll tell you what." "I'll stay in the pubs, you do the walking." "Bugger that, you're carrying the bags." "How about it?" "Serious, we'll go in the autumn." "What are we going to do with you, then, eh?" "You can't go on like this, that's for sure." "So, is it every man for himself or are we having teams?" "Teams." "If I might make so bold, I would suggest that the best plays with the worst, Jack." " Good idea." " In other words, you're with Ken." " Thanks." " It's me and you, Ken." " Is there anything on it?" " Bottle of wine." "You're on." " Are you ready?" " Yeah." "Yeah, go on." " It's you!" " Ah, right!" " Shall I kick off?" " You take the honour." "So, this father and son team." " The double Hepple." " Yes, take on these unknown mavericks." " That's us, Ken." " Good luck, Tom." "And good luck to you, Mo." "Can I just say what a great pleasure it is to be playing with you once again?" "Yep, yeah." "Watch and learn, Ken." "There's wine on it." "Right." "Off we go." " At-choo!" " I knew it!" " I knew you were going to do that!" " Ha, ha, ha!" "All my life I've had to put up with this nonsense from you and I'm not going to have it any longer!" "Don't scare the wildlife, Ken." "How many times a night do you go?" "I lose count." "You gotta get it sorted out, Ken." "Yeah." " Oh, what a beauty." " Lovely." "Good shot, partner?" " Oh, sorry." "Good shot, Jack." " Thank you." " Are you all right?" " Yeah." " You want it out, Joe?" " Yep." "Good luck, partner." "It's all down to this." "Looks good." "Oh!" "Ho, ho, ho, ho!" "My partner." "Oh, yes." "Gerri!" " Tom!" " Here she is." " Hello, Mary." " Sorry I'm so late." " What happened?" " It's taken me three hours to get here." "I left home at two." "I had to ask a policeman in the end, I got so lost." " You got lost?" " Yeah, I'm really sorry." " You've been here loads of times." " I know." " You know the way." " Yeah, but I came in my car, Gerri." " Oh, God!" " What's happened?" "Oh, I'm so stupid." "Why do I always spoil everything?" " I wanted it to be a surprise." " You've bought a car?" " Yeah!" " God help us." "I got it ever so cheap." "I was really chuffed with myself because they wanted 700, but I offered 600, but we settled at 650." "They were a nice couple of guys." "I think they were brothers." " One of them had a gold tooth." " Did he?" "Yeah." "But, they wanted cash." "So I had to go to the cash point on Wednesday and Thursday and Friday." "So, I couldn't collect it till after work on Friday." "But they rang on Friday morning to find out what time I was going to go round with the money." "And had I sorted out the insurance?" "Well, that hadn't even crossed my mind!" "So, I spent the whole of my lunch break on Friday sorting that out and it was really expensive because I haven't driven since 1984." "But I didn't tell you on Thursday, Gerri, because I knew I was coming here today and I wanted to surprise you all." "It is a surprise." "Shall I take that from you?" " Yeah, thanks, Tom." " Thank you." "Oh, Tom, sorry." " Can I have a little glass, please?" " Sure?" "You shouldn't drive if you're drinking." "I know, Gerri, but you're allowed a couple of glasses, aren't you, Tanya?" " Small ones." " Yeah, yeah." "Is that all right, Tom?" "Yeah." " Hi, Gerri." " Hi." " I'm really sorry." " Oh, don't be daft." " Hi, Tanya." " Hello." "Oh, we really miss you at work, don't we, Gerri?" " Sweetheart." " When are you back off maternity leave?" " Give us a chance." " Oh, yeah." " Hi, Joe." " Hi." " Oh, it's really lovely to see you." " You too." " Hi, Ken." "Are you all right?" " Yeah." " Come and sit down, Mary." " Have a seat, Mary." " Is anyone sitting here?" " No." " No." " Oh, this is lovely." "Hiya, Jack." "I thought you were going to miss me out, Mary." "Oh, sorry." "Where's Janey?" "She's a bit under the weather this afternoon." "Oh, sorry to hear that." "Oh, I'm starving." "Oh, the baby!" " Oh, yeah, the baby." " I'm sorry, Tanya." " That's all right." " Oh, hello, little Isaac." "Say hello." "Don't mind the funny lady." "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't recognise him." "Oh, he's asleep." "Oh, hasn't he grown?" "He's got ever so big." " They do that." " Here you are." " Oh, thanks, Tom." " I'll give him to you." " Where do you want him?" " Oh, that's better." "Are you OK?" "We've saved you some food, Mary." " I hope it's still warm." " Oh, thanks, Gerri." "That will be fine." " I'll do you some fresh, if you like." " Oh, no, don't worry about me." " So you didn't get arrested, Mary?" " No, I didn't, Joe." "He was very kind to me, actually." "What CC is your car?" " What do you mean?" " How big's the engine?" "Oh, I don't know." "It's about this big, I think." " What's so funny?" " Don't be cruel." "He means, how powerful is it, Mary?" "How many cubic centimetres?" " Oh." " You should know that." "On the back there's numbers, like 1.6 or 1.9." "Oh, yeah, I know, yeah." "Well, that's boys' stuff, isn't it?" " It's not important." " No, Tanya." "I think I'm gonna have a cigarette before I eat this." " I'll get out your way." " Shall we take Isaac over there?" "Oh, well, I thought you wouldn't mind cos we're outside." " We don't, Mary." "You carry on." " You're all right." " You're all right." "It's OK." "I fancy a swing." " Have one of these, Mary." " It's all right." "I've got my own, thank you." " Here." " Oh..." "Thanks." "I'll have a smoke with you." "Well, I don't really smoke, normally." "I just have the occasional one or two." "How are you doing?" "Yeah, I'm really well, thanks, Ken." "Still on your own, are you?" "Yeah, I am and I like it like that, you know." "You're like me." "He's good." "He's great." " He's a hungry bugger." " Is he?" "Just like his dad." "Is he a good dad?" "Yeah." "Is he a nappy changer?" "Ish." "I expect you're too capable." " Oh, I am." " Like Gerri was." "Like Gerri was what?" " Mind your own business." " We're talking about you, not to you." "Hey, thanks for popping round on Friday." "Janey really appreciated it." " How is she?" " Not good." "No." "It's exhausting all the time, just getting up and down the stairs, knocks her out." "I noticed." "She could do with losing a few pounds, but she's not getting any exercise, so..." " How are you doing?" " Oh, I'm all right." "We stay cheerful, you know?" "We don't let things get us down." "That's the spirit." "No, it's all right, Ken." "I can pour my own wine, thank you very much." "Sorry." "Look at the food in this fridge." "I haven't got anything in mine." "I'll see you later, all right?" "Here she comes." " Can I come in the middle?" " Of course you can." "Never come between a mother and her son." "Oh, this is my second one, Gerri." " Are you sure?" " Yeah, and then that's it." "This could be the making of you, Mary." "Yeah." "I think so, Gerri." "I mean, just driving here today, I felt like a whole person." " Did you?" " Yeah, a free spirit." "I mean, even though the journey was a complete nightmare, from beginning to end - it was awful, people were getting so cross with me." "It's a lovely little car." "I want you to come out and see it later." "I feel really good behind the wheel, really special." " You looked so lovely holding that baby." " He's delightful." "I expect you're looking forward to being a grandmother." "Hm, you should ask my son about that." "It's got nothing to do with me." "He's great, isn't he?" "You should come out and have a drink with us sometime, me and your mum." "Yeah?" " Yeah, why not?" "We often go, don't we?" " Occasionally, yes." " Yeah, I know you do." " It doesn't even have to be your mum." " It could be just us." " Just you and me?" "Yeah, well, we've known each other a while, haven't we?" "We're old friends." "Could you get me a refill, Joe?" " Yes, Mummy." " Thank you." " Are you all right?" " Yeah." " Can I get you a drink?" " Got one somewhere." "Oh, here comes Ken." " Everything all right?" " Yes." " He's a good lad." " Yes." "He could be quite good-looking, if he wanted to." "How's it going?" "He's got a nice clean bum." "He should lose a couple of stone, shouldn't he?" "He was a good-looking man when he was young." " Was he?" " Mm." "He's got a good heart." "Life's not always kind, is it?" "No, it isn't, Gerri." "I don't mind the grey hair." "I think that can look quite distinguished on a man of his age, but..." "You know." " I'll give you a ring in the week." " We'll have a proper game next time." " Ta-ta." " See you." "Hi, Joe." "Hi." " Have you come back to me?" " I have." " They all come back in the end." " Do they?" " In my nightmares." " Oh, it's as bad as that, is it?" "Oh, let's not open that can of worms." " No, let's leave that closed." " Not today, anyway." "Oh, how are you, Joe?" " Is life treating you kind?" " Can't complain." " Really?" " Yes." "Nothing you want to share with me?" "No, I don't think so." "Because you know that you can talk to me." "Any time you like." "Well, I'll come and find you if I need you." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I like to feel that I'm always there for you." "Thanks, Mary." "How are you?" "Yeah, I'm all right." "No, I'm great, actually." " Well, you look well." " Do I?" "Oh, thank you." "I suddenly feel... really liberated." " Well, you're a free spirit now." " I know." "You're your own woman." "The world's your oyster." "It's so exciting, isn't it?" "I feel like Thelma and Louise." "This little car is going to change my life." "Well, let's hope so." "I do feel a bit guilty, though, but at the end of the day so what?" "It's my little present to me." " That's fair enough." " Yeah." "Because if I don't treat myself, nobody else is going to, are they?" "What are you going to call this car?" "Ooh, I don't know." "Why?" "Do you give names to things?" " I've got names for everything." " Really?" " Like what?" " Well, my nose is called Roger." "Oh, you mean your body parts!" "Yeah, I'm not going to introduce you to everyone though." "What, not even little Percy?" "You've already met my knee, then?" "Oh, Joe, we must go out and have a drink one night." " We have such a laugh." " Yeah, we do." "You see, the thing about you and me is that we've always just sort of clicked." " Haven't we?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "It's nice when that happens, isn't it?" "Do you remember when you showed me your little box?" "Yes." "You wouldn't tell me what was in it." "I'm still not going to tell you." "I know." "What?" "I'm not telling you." "I still think about that." "We had a barbeque that day, didn't we?" "Oh!" "It still smells the same." "It's messy, isn't it?" "Your kids will enjoy playing in here, won't they?" "One day." "So, is there anyone special in your life at the moment, Joe?" " No." " Oh, good." "No, what I mean is, that's all right." "You're comfortable with that." " Aren't you?" " Am I?" "Well, the thing is, Joe, you're young." "You still want to be out there, don't you?" "What, sowing my wild oats?" "Well, yeah." "Live life while you can." "Don't think about tomorrow." "Well, a lot of my friends are getting married." "Oh, but, yeah, you wanna be careful, Joe, because..." "See, I got married in my 20s and, granted he was the wrong man, but I was too young." "I couldn't handle it." "But when I was in my 30s, I met the right man and I was mature." "I was ready for it." "I mean, he left me, but..." "What can you do?" "It's never too late, Mary." "Oh, no, I know it isn't, Joe, and, you know me, I'm very much a glass-half-full kind of girl." "But it's tricky, because..." "I meet these older men, who want somebody younger, and that's great, because I fit the bill." "But... when they find out that you know, I'm not as young as they thought... they don't want to know." "My looks work against me." "How old do you think I look, Joe?" "60?" "70?" "Oh, stop it." "Oh, it's all right." "You don't have to answer that." "So, when are we going to have this drink?" "I don't know." "I'll have to check my diary." " Yeah." "You do that." "Give me a call." " I will." " Promise." " I promise." "Mate, got to get your train." "We should get cracking." "I'll run you to the station." "You've had too much to drink, Tom." " No, I haven't." " I think you have." " I'm all right." " We can get him a mini cab." " No, I'll be fine on the tube." " You don't want to get a mini cab." "It might take 20 minutes to turn up." "We haven't got time." "I had a really bad experience in a mini cab once." " You're going on the tube, aren't you?" " Of course." "Don't go on the tube, Joe." "I can give you a lift." "You can be my navigator." " Ooh, that sounds fun." " Yeah." "You can give them both a lift." "All in the same direction." " I'm not sure Mary can manage that." " Of course I can." "Oh, I don't know." " I'll be fine on the tube, honest." " It's a great idea." " I don't know how to get to King's Cross." " I do." "We can all go together." " Great." "Is that all right with you, Mary?" " Yeah, of course it is." "It'll be good practice for me." "I'm going to run upstairs before we go on the journey." "I'm not sure about this." "It'll be fine." "Better pack my bag." " Tom." " What?" "What do you think, Tom?" "Well, it's small and red." "It's what you asked for." "What have you done, Mary?" " It's great, isn't it?" " Nice bit of parking, Mary." " Oh." "Oh, God, I didn't lock it." "It's a good job it didn't get pinched, isn't it?" "By the way, Mary, it's a 1.4." "Oh." "You must come again." "Now you don't know the way." "Oi, where are you going?" "Oh, God, Joe." " What am I going to do without you?" " You'll be fine." "Can't you stay just till we get to King's Cross?" " We'll be all right, Mary." " Ken!" "You don't even know London." "It'll be signposted." "It's so lovely having you next to me, Joe, telling me where to go and what to do." "It's been a pleasure, Mary." "Oh, please, I'll take you anywhere you want." "I'll take you home." "Just here will do." "Oh, God." "All right." "Let me pull in." "Oh, bye, then." "But lovely to see you." " Don't forget to give me a ring." " No, I won't." " Bye, Joe." " Yeah, take care." " See you soon." " Look after yourself." " Oh, Joe, where do I go?" " Straight ahead." " Left round the one-way system." " Yeah." "OK." " Bye, then." "Bye." " Yeah." " I'll get in the front now." " Oh, no, Ken." "We haven't got time for this." "Oh, for God's sake." "Oh!" "No need to slam the door." " You better hurry up." " Yeah, I'll run." "Yeah, I'll see you soon, then." " Goodbye, Mary." " Bye." "Bye, Ken." " I like you, Mary." "Can I phone you?" " No, Ken." "No." " I could come down and see you." " Take your hand off of me, please, Ken!" "Sorry." "I'm going to have to be honest with you." "I just don't have those kind of feelings for you, Ken." "I'm really sorry." "Right." "Oh!" "Sorry, I got carried away." "I didn't mean to." "It's all right." "Hurry up." "Your train is going in a minute." " Thanks for the lift." " Yeah, all right." "Bye." "God Almighty!" " I'll put the kettle on." " The sooner the better." " Ohh!" " Ohh!" "What are you doing here, you daft bugger?" "I've come to surprise you." "Joe!" " You certainly did that." " It's lovely to see you." "Ohh!" "Hello!" "Sorry." "He made me hide behind the door." " You frightened the life out of me." " So, who's this, then?" " Mum, Dad, this is Katie." " Hello." " This is Tom and Gerri." " Tom and Gerri?" "That's brilliant!" "Yeah, well..." "We've learnt to live with it over the years." " So, what's your name again?" " Katie." "Katie." " So have you been at the allotment?" " Yes." "Gathering the last of the season's harvest." "We've brought back some lovely tomatoes." " Yeah." " Sounds gorgeous." " We were going to have a sandwich." " Are you both hungry?" " I'm starving." " She's starving." " I'll just go and change." " Let me get out of this filthy clobber." " You go on through, Joe." " All right." "This is a lovely big kitchen, isn't it?" " It's gigantic." " Shut up!" " Thank you for the flowers, Katie." " Glad you like them." " They're lovely." " They're all right." " Sit yourself down." " Thank you." " So how did you two meet?" " Our eyes met across a crowded bar." "We'd both been stood up by our dates." " Ah, the bonding of the jilted." " Something like that." " Pretty much." " When was this?" " Oh, about three months ago, wasn't it?" " Yeah." " You never told us." " Master of discretion." " I didn't know he had it in him." " My enigmatic son." " You know me." " Must be important." " Oh, he's a dark horse." " I wanted to keep you a secret." " You son's a weirdo!" " Yes, we know." "He's having treatment." "Help yourself." "Tuck in." " Whatever you want." " Thank you." " My mum and dad know all about you." " Do they now?" " And what do they do, Katie?" " Oh, my dad's a postman and my mum works on a make-up counter." " Oh, yeah?" " What do you work at?" " I'm an occupational therapist." " Oh, are you?" "Where do you work?" " At the Royal Free." " That's a great hospital." " It's pretty good." " Do you specialise?" "Yeah." "Care of the elderly and stroke rehab." "What's straight rehab?" "Stroke rehab." "You are going deaf." "Oh, stroke rehab." "I thought you said straight rehab." "What's straight rehab?" "What, for gay men who are on the turn?" "Or straight men, who tried being gay, but want to be rehabilitated into straight." " Joe tells me you're a counsellor, Gerri." " Yes, I am, for my sins." "But it's great to come home and feel like you've made a contribution, isn't it?" "Yes, of course." "Or not, as the case may be." "Oh, I'm sure you contribute." "Not me." "I'm talking about you lot in the caring professions." " I don't care." " We know." "Hard man." "And I know you're a geologist, Tom, but what exactly do you do?" "Ah, yes." "Strictly speaking, I'm actually an engineering geologist." " Which means that I..." " He digs holes." " I investigate..." " You dig holes." "All right." "I dig holes." "That's just calling a spade a spade, isn't it?" " I always call it a shovel." " You call it a fork." "I call it a trailer-mounted-tripod cable-percussive boring unit." "And that's why I love him." "No, I investigate the ground beneath our feet to test the feasibility of various engineering and building projects." "It sounds amazing." "What are you working on at the moment?" "Ah, yes." "Well, right now, the main project is an eight-metre-diameter tunnel, which is going to alleviate the pressure on London's Victorian sewage system." "Blimey." "Eight metres?" "That's big." "Oh, yeah." "And it'll follow the path of the Thames for 20 miles, up to 80 metres underground." "And that's just for this household." "So, it's quite a big number." "I'm not doing it on my own." "There's a few of us." " It won't be finished till after I'm dead." " Oh, no." "You'd better get a move on." "Help yourself." "Is there anything you want?" " Some ham?" " Oh, no, thanks." "I'm a veggie, actually." " Are you?" " Mm." "This cheese is gorgeous, though." "Thank you." " Help yourself." " Thank you." " What have you got planned later?" " Ah, yes." " We're having a visitation." " Sounds ominous." " Mary's coming for tea." " Oh, I was right." " Who's Mary?" " She's a friend from work." " Oh, right." " Yes, she's..." "Yes." "She's something else." "I won't ask." " Ta-da!" " Oh, Joe!" "How lovely to see you." "This is a surprise." "How are you?" " I'm good." " Oh, you look great." " So do you." " Oh, thank you." "Hello, Mary." "I'm Tom." "I'm his father." "I live here." "Oh, Tom." "My two favourite men." "In you go." " You never rang me." " I'm sorry." "Whatever happened to that drink we were gonna have?" " I've got a surprise for you." " Oh, Joe, you shouldn't have." " Hello." " Katie, this is Mary." "Mary, this is Katie." " Hello, Mary." "It's nice to meet you." " Oh, hi." " This is Joe's girlfriend." " I like your jacket." "Your mum gave me a pot of basil." "Smell that." " She's going to make him some pesto." " Lovely." " Shall I take your jacket, Mary?" " Yeah, thanks, Tom." " How are you, Mary?" " Yeah, I'm really good, thanks, yeah." " How was your journey?" " It was all right." " Oh, no, it wasn't actually." " Didn't get lost again, did you?" "Oh, no, the journey was all right." "It's the car." "Is it OK?" " What happened?" " It wouldn't start." " Oh, no." "Yeah, it's a nightmare." "I had to come on the tube." "And it got broken into last night." " Oh, sorry to hear that." " Oh, no." "Yeah, I did my big weekly supermarket shop yesterday, which is great, I couldn't do that before I had the car." "I went nice and early, so it wouldn't be dark when I got back." "I brought three bags in, but I must have left the fourth one on the front seat." "I got in." "I thought, that's great, that's done," "I can chill out now and have a nice little glass of wine." "I had a really nice evening, actually." "Er..." "But then, this morning, I'm in the bathroom, I'm sitting on..." "Cos it's the toilet roll that I've left in the car." "So, I rush out and my window's been smashed." "There's glass everywhere and all my toilet rolls have been stolen." " It's probably kids." "I think you're right." "Are you insured, Mary?" " Yeah, of course I'm insured." " Well, that's something, isn't it?" "You can't drive a car without insurance." "It's illegal." "I know." "At least you'll be able to claim for your window." "I know." "Anyway, I'm..." "I'm sick of it." "I just left it." "It's just a car." "What does it matter?" "Go on." "Sit yourself down, Mary." " Put the kettle on, Tom." " Yeah, yeah." "Good idea." "It's given me a lot of stress, Tom." "This car's been a catalogue of disaster, hasn't it?" "I know." "Cut your losses, Mary." "Get rid of it." "But I've spent so much on it, Tom." "I can't just sell it now." "But if you keep it, it's only going to get worse." " Well, you know what I think, Mary." " Yeah, yeah." "I'm fed up with it, to be honest, Tom." "I've had three punctures." " Three punctures?" " Yeah." "My exhaust has fallen off." "I had to get a new one." "My carburettor went." "You can't take it back to the guys you got it from?" "No." "They'd guarantee the labour for three months, but not the parts." "Bastards." "Other way round, isn't it?" "Parts for three months, not labour." "No." "Oh, yeah, that's right." "Oh, I don't know." "Anyway..." "my windscreen wiper got ripped off." "I got three points for speeding, at £60 each." "So, I've got nine points on my driving licence." " Haven't I, Gerri?" " Yes." "It keeps making funny noises." "I got towed away and I wasn't even parked on a double-yellow line." "I've got seven parking tickets..." "no, nine parking tickets." "And then..." "I broke down on the motorway on the way to Brighton and I got towed to Crawley, which is the last place I want to go, because I grew up there and I hate it." "So, I had to get the train home and then the train back to Crawley the next day and the guy kept trying to touch me up." "It cost me nearly £500 and I never even got my weekend in Brighton." "That was supposed to be my summer holiday." "Yes." " It's not fair, is it?" " No." " Well, never mind." " Come and sit down, Mary." "Relax." " Yeah, thanks, Joe." " At least you're here now, eh?" " What did you say your name was?" " Katie." "Oh." "Well, the good news is, Mary, I've made a cake in your honour." "Oh, thanks, Gerri." "She knew you were coming, so she baked a cake!" " Don't forget to give me the recipe." " No, I won't forget, Katie." " You haven't tasted it yet." " Oh, it smells nice." "Yeah, I wouldn't mind having the recipe for that." "I've never baked a cake before." " Of course you can." " You can have a cake-off!" "Oh, I don't think so." "I tried making a fruit cake once." "Everything sank to the bottom." "It was horrible." "You're a good cook." "Thank you." " What about these two, then, Mary?" " Such a surprise." "This monster hid this young lady behind the sitting-room door." " Made me jump." " I nearly gave poor Tom a heart attack." "She passed the test." "Surprised you passed the test." "I'd have got rid of you on the spot." "A terrible way to treat someone." "Yeah." " We had absolutely no idea." " My big secret." " Oh, thanks very much." "It's obviously serious." "Still, it's been really good to meet you both, though, and we had a lovely lunch." "You didn't say you were having lunch." " We have lunch every day." " I know you have lunch every day, Joe." "Bread and cheese." " Nothing special." " I thought it was special." "We had some tomatoes from Tom and Gerri's allotment." "Have you tasted them?" "Loads of times." "Gerri's always giving me stuff, aren't you, Gerri?" " I'll give you some to take home, Mary." " Oh, great." "Oh, yeah, I can take them on the tube." "So, what is it you do, then, Jackie?" "Katie." " Katie." " Don't worry." "An occupational therapist." "Oh." "She looks after stroke victims and the elderly." "And..." "I grew up just down the road from you, in Croydon." " I only went to college in Croydon." " Oh, right." "Which college?" "Croydon College." "The aptly named." "So which course did you do?" "Secretarial?" "What makes you think I'm a secretary?" "Well, you are, aren't you?" " Gerri said..." " Yes." "Well..." "I got my diploma." "I look after the doctors." "Oh, brilliant." "So have you two worked together for a long time?" "Ooh, about 20 years, haven't we, Mary?" "Yeah." " Mary's known Joe since he was ten." " No way!" "I bet you've got some embarrassing stories." "I've got some really nice stories, actually." "Joe and I have shared some really special moments, haven't we?" " Yes, Mary." " It'll just have to be our secret, won't it?" "She's almost like an auntie to him." "I wouldn't say that." "Well, we think of you as his auntie." "Auntie Mary." "I think that's really sweet." " Right." "Who wants some cake?" " Yes, please." "Auntie Mary." "Thanks, Joe." "Thanks, Mum." "It must be really boring looking after old people." "No, I love it." "You get to know them really well and, well we're all going to be old, one day, aren't we?" "Touch wood." "Some of us already are." "We look after old people, don't we, Gerri?" "No, not in the same way." "Amazing cake." "Thank you, Katie." "Right." "We'll see you when we see you." " Soon." "Hopefully." " And you'll never know when." " Probably find you hiding in the shed." " Or lurking in the bathroom." " Or down the toilet." " Oh, nice!" " You must come to supper." " Yes, please." "I hear you're both excellent cooks." "No pressure." " Tom makes a mean curry." " Oh, I love curry." " Well, there's been no litigation to date." " I'll take my chances, then." " I'll speak to you later." " Bye." " See you, boy." " Bye-bye." "Take care." " Thank you so much." " Thank you for the flowers." " A pleasure." "Lovely to meet you." " You, too." "Bye, Mary." "Really nice to meet you." "Hope you get your car sorted out." " Bye, Katie." " Bye." "Bye." "See you soon." "Yeah." "Safe journey." "Bye." " Bye." "How about that, then?" " That's a turn-up for the books." " You're not kidding." " Excuse me, I've got a bit of work to do." " All right." "I was going to bring you some flowers, Gerri." "I just couldn't find anywhere open." "Don't be silly." "Gerri?" "What?" " What do you think of her?" " She's lovely, isn't she?" "Well, I don't know." "Joe likes her." "Yeah, but, you know." "They seem to connect." "Well, he's only young, isn't he?" "He's 30 years old, Mary." "No, but what I mean is, he doesn't want to rush into anything." "He's only known her for five minutes." "I think Joe knows what he's doing, actually." "Well, I hope so." "Don't forget your tomatoes, Mary." "No, I won't." "I should have brought a bottle of wine." " I might head off in a minute." " All right, then, Mary." " Thank you for coming, Mary." " Thanks, Gerri." " I'll see you on Tuesday." " Yes." "Yeah." " Bye, then." " OK, bye." "Very sad." "Really upsetting." "Yeah." " Are you surprised?" " Of course I am." "No, I'm not, actually." "No." "It's disappointing." "So, when are you inviting her round next?" "Did you see this?" "It's extraordinary." " I like whatshername." " Katie?" " Yeah, she's a laugh, isn't she?" " She's lovely." "He is a dark horse, our son." "I think you'll find that we men are." "Can you take that for me?" "Hasn't changed much, has it?" "Hello, mate." "How are you, Ron?" "Hi, Ronnie." "Do you recognise Joe?" " I've grown a bit." "How are you managing, Ronnie?" "I'll be glad when this is over." " This is the hardest day." " Yeah." " She was a lovely person." " She was." "Very kind." "Have you been eating over the weekend, Ronnie?" "I had some beans." "Need a bit more than that, though, don't you?" "Do you want something now?" "Nah." " Are you sure?" " Yeah." " We brought a load of sandwiches, Ron." " Some beers." "So where's Carl?" "I told him when and where." "The question is, if he'll turn up." "Well, that's up to him." "He'd bloody better." "Cheers, Gez." " The hearse will be here soon." " Yeah." "There you are, Ronnie." "Can I have one of them beers now?" "Yeah, you're all right." "Go on." "Ta." " Hello." " Hello." "Mr Hepple?" "Yes, I'm Tom Hepple." "I think we spoke on the phone." "This is my brother, Ronnie." " Hello." " He's Linda's husband." " Are you all ready?" " Yes, we are, yes." "Just the four of us." "Have you got the keys, Ronnie?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "Thank you." "Thank you." " Mr Hepple?" " Yes." "This is Robert, your minister." " I'm Tom Hepple." " Oh, yes." "This is my brother, Ronnie, Linda's husband." "Robert Saunter." "I shall be taking the service." "We're expecting Ronnie's son, Carl, to be here, but he doesn't appear to have turned up yet." "Right, well, we'd... best be started." "Yes." "Yes." " Are you all ready?" " Yeah." "Thank you." "Air On The G String" "Thank you." ""I am the resurrection and the life," says the Lord." ""Those who believe in me, even though they die, will live." "Everyone who lives and believes in me will never die."" "I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." "We have entrusted our sister, Linda Margaret, to God's mercy, and we now commit her body to be cremated." "Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, in sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life, through our Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our frail bodies that they may be conformed to his glorious body," "who died, was buried and rose again for us." "To him be glory forever." "Amen." "May God give you his comfort and his peace, his light and his joy, in this world and the next." "And the blessing of God Almighty the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit be upon you and remain with you always." "Amen." "You are welcome." "Enigma Variations IX Nimrod" "You're joking, aren't you?" "Hello, Carl." " Is that it?" " It's all over, Carl." "I'm really sorry." "That was just right." " Thank you very much." "I appreciate it." "Thank you." "God bless you." "Unbelievable." "Why couldn't you wait?" "There's another one coming up behind us." "You can't wait." " They can't wait five minutes?" " No." "We asked them." " Outrageous." " What happened to you?" " Motorway was fucked up." " Should have taken that into account." " I did." " Obviously not enough." "I'll never forgive you for this." "You know that, don't you?" " Don't blame me." " It's not his fault." "I might have known you'd pull a stunt like this." " Carl." " What?" "It's Joe." "Oh, yeah." "All right?" "Carl, I'm really sorry." "We're going back to the house, to your mum's." "If you want to come..." " I gotta go back there, any road, so..." " All right." "We'll see you there." "Hello, I'm Tom." "Ronnie's brother." " We're going back to the house." " Are you friends of Linda?" "How long have you worked with her?" "Are you coming back to the house?" " Good." "We'll see you there." " Do you have transport?" "Do you know the way?" "We'll see you there, then." "Carl said he is going back." "When was the last time you saw Carl?" "A couple of years ago." "Just turns up out of the blue, doesn't he?" "When he can be bothered." "When did we last see him?" "I can't remember." "Five, ten years ago?" "It was the year your mum died." " Was it?" " Mm." "1979." " No." "No, '95." "Yeah." "Don't know." "So, hang on." "When did he stay with us in London?" " That was in the '80s." " You were nine." "He always wore black, didn't he?" "Mm." "It's tragic." "He was such a lovely kid, full of fun." "Was he?" "Hi." "Come on in." " Thanks, love." " Hello." "Come in." "Hiya." " Do you want to go through?" " Thank you." " You find it all right?" " Aye, aye." "No problem." " Shall I take your coat?" " Er... no, you're all right, duck, thanks." "Shall I take your coats, ladies?" " Thank you." "Right." "Joe, is there another chair in there?" "Yeah." "It was a very nice service." "It was, wasn't it?" "Simple, straightforward." "That's what you wanted, wasn't it, Ronnie?" "Nothing fancy." "No." "Good job it didn't rain." " It's a nice spot that, isn't it?" " Mm." "We've seen a few off from there, haven't we?" " Aye, we have over the years." " Aye." "Have you worked with Linda for long?" "About ten years." "How about you, Maggie?" "Not as long as that, no." "She was a lovely lady." " She was, yeah." " We weren't that close." " She'll be much missed." " It was such a shock." "Be a big change for you, Ronnie, having to look after yourself." "You get used to it though, Ronnie." " Eight years for me, now." " Is it?" "Aye." "It's Carl." "All right, Carl?" " 'Ey up, Carl." " Excuse me, mate." " Do you want a drink, Carl?" " You got tea, beers couple of bottles of wine." "Sort myself out, ta." " Are you local, then, Frank?" " Aye, aye, I'm just a few streets down." " You know, Palmer's Street." " Oh, yeah." "I haven't lived in Derby for 40 years." " How are you, Carl?" " All right." "You?" "We're all fine." "This must have been a bit of a shock for you." "I'll say." " Where are you living?" " Up in Yorkshire." " Are you working?" " Don't need an interrogation." "There's food out here when you want it." "It's all changed." " No post for me, then?" " No." "None from you, either." " Eh?" " There's none from you." "Not lost your sense of humour, then?" "Who sorted all this lot out?" " We did." " We brought it with us." " From London?" " Yeah." "Nice." "You didn't get your arse in gear, Ronnie?" " He didn't need to, we offered." " Did you?" " Yeah." " It's his responsibility, though, in't it?" "Don't underestimate the shock he's had, Carl." "Yeah, I know." "Very fragile, in't he, your brother?" " His wife's just died." " His wife." "Didn't much care for her when she was alive." " Did you?" " I beg your pardon?" " Did you care for her, Carl?" " Tom?" " I cared for her in my own way." " Carl." " What way was that?" " She knew how I felt." " Did she?" " Shut it." "Don't tell me how to behave in my house." " It's not your house." " It is, as much as it is his." "Tom." " And what are you looking at?" " I'm looking at you, Carl." "Well, I don't like it." "Don't feel you need to hang about, duck." "We best get going." "Excuse me." "I'm really sorry about this." "Do you want your coats?" "Yeah, I'm not surprised." " Thank you for coming." " Shall I drop you off?" " You're welcome." " Yeah." " Thanks." " Is that..." "Can you do that, Frank?" "Aye, aye." "Give them a lift home." "Look after yourself, Ronnie." "Thanks for coming." "Sorry about this." " One of those things." " Aye, well, not to worry, duck." " See you." " Thanks." " Take care." "Ta-ta." " Bye." "Bloody hell." "Are you all right, Ronnie?" "I don't know what to do." "Ah, sod him." "He'll bugger off soon enough." "Tell you what." "Why don't you come back with us?" "To London." "No, no." "You're all right." "Well, why not?" "Just for a few days, a week." "Whatever it takes." "Then we'll put you on the train back home." "I don't know." "Think about it." "What do you reckon?" "You might as well, until you feel a bit better." " Are you sure?" " Yeah." " OK." " Good." "Chuck a few things in a bag." "We'll clear up." " Yeah." " Have you got a bag?" "I think so." "Your dad's coming home with us for a couple of days." "Is he now?" " I think there's one under the bed." " Right." "How did she go?" "Eh?" "She were dead when I woke up." "Satisfied?" " Excuse me, Carl." " I'll do that, Gerri." " No, I'll do it." " No, you leave it." "You sit yourself down." "What am I doing this for?" "Save my mam the trouble?" " She's fucking dead now." " Listen to me." "Nah, no, no, no, no." "I'm going to get a bottle of wine." "Carl, we've got loads of wine." "Carl." "He won't be back." "Pyjamas." "Get some shirts." " Are you going to change?" " Yeah." " Do you want this?" " Yeah." "How you doing?" "Are you all right?" "Yeah, I'll be all right." "We'll be off soon." "Oh, hi." "Is Gerri in?" "No." "Oh." " Is Tom here?" " No, they're out." "What's it about?" "I..." "I..." "I just wanted to see them." "They didn't say nothing." "Oh..." "Oh, no, they don't." "I just came on the spur of the moment." "I'm a friend of Gerri's." "I work with her." "Oh, have they gone to the allotment?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "Can I come in?" "Just to wait for them?" " I don't know." " I'm really cold." "I'm here on my own." "Oh, I'm not going to burgle you or anything." "I can give you a description of the house, if you like?" "When you go in the kitchen, the cooker's on the right and the sink's straight in front of you and on the left is..." "Yeah, yeah." "Yeah, right." "Thanks." "I'm Mary." "What's your name?" "Ronnie." "Tom's my brother." "Oh, oh." "Is it your wife that's just passed away?" " Yeah." " I'm really sorry." "That's all right." "Would you like me to make you a cup of tea?" "No, thank you." "Is it all right if I make one for myself?" "I don't think Gerri and Tom would mind." "All right." "Have you come down for a few days?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "I haven't had any breakfast." "Did you have breakfast?" "Yeah." " With Tom and Gerri?" " Yeah." "Do you want a cuddle?" "You sure you don't want some tea?" " Aye, go on, then." " Yeah." "Ooh, that's better." "It's really lovely to be here." "I haven't been for months." "They invite me a lot." "We're really old friends." "Are you sleeping in Joe's room?" "Yeah." "Oh, yeah." "All his little bits and bobs." "Did he go to the funeral?" "Yeah." "With his girlfriend?" " No." " Oh." "They're coming round later." "Oh, are they?" "Sorry I'm such a mess." "I didn't get to bed till five and then I couldn't sleep." "I just got up and came straight here." "Does Gerri ever mention me?" "No." "Mary." "No." "You look like Tom." "Oh, aye?" "Yeah." "You've got a nice face." "Tom's got a nice face, too." "What was your wife's name?" " Linda." " Oh." "Was she nice?" "Did you have dinner last night?" " We had chicken." " Oh, lovely." " They're good cooks, aren't they?" " Yeah." "I can't cook." " Can you cook?" " Nah." "I didn't really eat anything yesterday." "Do you want some toast?" "No, I'm all right, thank you." "Wouldn't mind a cigarette, though." " Do you smoke?" " Yeah." "Oh, good." "Oh, yeah." "My friend used to roll her own." "Do you want one of these?" "No, it's all right." "I'll have one of mine." "Oh, no, go on, then." "For old time's sake." "Yeah." "We have to go out there." "Oh, we can stay in here, can't we?" "They won't know." "Ooh." "Takes me back." "Did you ever smoke dope?" "Tried it a few times." "We used to." "Me and my best friend, Monica." "Don't see her any more." "Did you like the Beatles?" "They were all right." "I was more Elvis." "Jerry Lee Lewis." "Yeah." "# I'm all shook up" "Heh." "Have you got any children?" "Got a son." "Is he married?" "Don't know." "You got kids?" "No." "Unfortunately." "Have you got to go back soon?" "Yeah." "Got a few things to sort out." "I don't suppose your son will help you." "Nah." "I could come up and give you a hand, if you like." "Have you got to move?" "No." "I could take a few days off work." "Are you warm enough?" "Oh, I'll be all right." "We'll just finish these." "Oh, do you know Ken?" "Ken?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Did he go to the funeral?" "No." "He's a bit weird, isn't he?" "Is he?" "I don't really smoke." "I had too much to drink last night." "I had a bit of a bad day." "My car broke down." "It had to be towed away." "They said it wasn't worth repairing." "They gave me 20 quid for it." " That's not much." " No." "What can you do with 20 quid?" "I bought myself a bottle of champagne." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Did you finish it?" "Yeah, I did." "Huh." "I might have to have a little bit of a lie down." "It's really lovely to have someone to talk to." "Yeah." "It's peaceful here." "I might move away somewhere else." "Start again." "I used to work in Majorca." "They'll be back soon." "Oh, yeah." " There you go." " Thank you." " Hello, Ronnie." " We're back." "Hi, Gerri." " Hello, Mary." " Bloody hell!" " Hi, Tom." " What are you doing here?" "Well, I just thought I'd..." "Just get my boots off." " Where'd she spring from?" " Bloody nuisance, especially today." "You're not kidding." " Are you all right, Gerri?" " Yes, Mary, I'm fine." "Did you drive?" "Oh, no." "I came on the tube." "Did you?" "It might have been nice if you'd phoned first, Mary." "Oh, I'm really sorry." " Joe and Katie are coming." " Yeah, Ronnie said." "All righty." "Tea, Ronnie?" " Yeah." "Come and sit yourself down, Mary, and have a cup of tea." "How's it going?" "Inexorably." " I don't know what to do." " Well, if you don't, I don't." "I can't just chuck her out." " Can't you?" " No." " Look at the state of her." " I know." "Poor woman." "Joe and Katie will be all right." "They can handle her." "I know." "I've got enough food for her." " That's all right, then." " Oh, well, here goes." " Do you want me to give you a hand?" " No, thank you, Mary." "Would you like to stay for a bite to eat?" "No, it's OK." "I don't want to be in the way." "You won't be." "We've got plenty of food." "Are you still angry with me?" "Mary, I wasn't angry with you." "I just felt you'd let me down." "Oh, Gerri." "I'd never want to do that." "I'm really sorry." "Yes, and I know you apologised." "I miss you." "I mean, I know I see you at work, but we don't seem to talk to each other any more." " I feel terrible." " This is my family, Mary." "You've got to understand that." "I do." "Oh..." "Come here." "You have to take responsibility for your actions." "I know." "Now, listen, Mary." "You need to talk to somebody." "Oh, no, I don't want to do that." " Well, I think it would help you." " I just want to talk to you." "Why don't I have a word with one of my colleagues?" "As long as we're friends, then I'm all right." "Well, that's beside the point." "You need independent, professional help." "You'd be much happier." "Let's talk about it on Tuesday." " Yeah." " And you have a think." "Yeah, we could have a drink." "Why don't you help me lay the table?" "He's really nice Ronnie, isn't he?" "Hello." "I saw you through the window." " Hello." " Hello, how are you?" " I'm fine, how are you?" " I'm good." " Katie, lovely to see you." " Ahh, lovely to see you." " How are you?" " Fine." "Mary's here." " Hello!" " Aha!" " We brought you some chocolates." " Good." "Ha-ha!" " Oh, no, give them back!" " You'll never see them again." " Can I take your things?" " Yeah, cheers." "Dear, dear." "I've got the longest scarf in the world." "Sorry." " And a tea cosy on my head." " Come and meet Ronnie." " Oh, great." " Mary's here." "Oh!" " Hi, Katie." " Hi, Mary." "How are you?" " Good, thanks." " Excellent." " Hi, Joe." " Hi." "Hi, you must be Ronnie." "I've heard a lot about you." " It's lovely to meet you." " Hello." " This is Katie." " My big brother." " Ah, brilliant." " What are we having to drink?" " I'll have what everyone else is having." " Red wine for me." " We're having fish." " I'll have white." " I'll have white wine as well, please." " Beer, Ronnie?" " Yeah." " White wine, Mary?" " Yeah, please, if that's all right?" "I'll do that, Gez." "I'll get you a beer, Ronnie." "So, I hear you're a massive Derby fan, Ronnie." " Er... yeah." " Great club." "I'm a Palace supporter myself, for my sins." "I still hope we might crash back through to the Premiership, at some point." "What do you reckon to Derby's chances?" " I don't know, not so bad." " Well, fingers crossed." "We met on our first day at university in Manchester." "Oh, your first day!" "We were in the same halls of residence." "We met on the stairs." " Yeah." "I was falling down them, she was going up them." " I was falling up them." "Things haven't changed, then." "And Tom's first job, when we left uni, was abroad for two years." "Did you try not to take it personally?" "We came down to London, didn't we?" "For about nine months." "I got my first geologist's job in Western Australia in the outback." "Right." "It was him and a load of Australian cowboys." " It was like the Wild West out there." " Yeah, all cork hats and beers." " You've worked in Australia, Katie." " Yeah, I worked in Sydney for a year." "I had a wonderful time." "They know how to enjoy themselves, the Aussies." " Yes." " Oh, yeah." "And you came out and visited, didn't you, my first Christmas holiday?" "Yeah." "We spent Christmas on the beach." " Barbie on the beach?" " Yeah." "And when Tom had finished after two years, I joined him again and we..." " You went on your grand tour." "... we came back overland." "Yeah." "It took us seven months, I think." "We got the boat from Fremantle to Singapore and then Singapore to Malaysia and then onto Thailand." "Thailand." "Burma." "And to India." " I'd love to go to India." " We went trekking in Nepal." "Nepal, trekking in Nepal." "The beach at Goa." " Wonderful, holiday of a lifetime." " Pakistan." " Afghanistan." "Iran." " Turkey." " Over to the Greek Islands." " Greek Islands." "The wonderful thing was, because I'd been in... two years working in Australia, and earning relatively good money, and nothing to spend it on, really." "So, we didn't have to do it on a really tight budget." "Some people could just hitch, but we could get buses and trains." " Yeah, yeah." "It must have made a difference." "You've been to the Greek Islands, haven't you, Mary?" " Yeah." " Which island was it?" " Corfu." " Yeah." " What were you doing on Corfu?" " Oh, I only ran a bar on the beach." "You were a cocktail waitress?" " Yeah." "When are you going to Paris?" "Oh, a week on Friday." "Yeah." " We've got an early start, 6:22 train." " Oh, no." " Yeah." "We get in at Paris, what is it?" " About quarter to ten?" " Yeah, 9:50." " Have breakfast by the Seine." "Have you got your hotel booked?" "Yeah, we've got a lovely hotel." "Very nice, yeah." "Beautiful." "In the Marais area." " Oh, yeah?" "It will be brilliant for Christmas shopping." "When are you coming back?" "On Sunday." " Short weekend." " Not enough time to do all the things." "We'll cram it all in." " We'll try." " You can walk everywhere." " Yeah, yeah."