"Previously on "In Treatment"..." " Yeah, I don't think I can do this." " Do what?" "This therapy, I..." "I just don't think it's leading anywhere, that's all, I, it's..." "Where do you want it to lead, Alex?" "Someplace where I feel less shitty about myself." "You know, I got a call from my wing commander, he's -- trying to figure out if I'm ready... for active duty." "What do you think?" "No, I don't think you're ready." "Well, I feel like I should salute you." "At ease, doc." "This is gonna be my last time... for a while anyway." "I'm here to settle up." "And I need something from you." "Would you like some coffee?" "Sure." "S01E32:" "Alex, Week Seven" "I know I'm not giving you any notice." "You want me to pay" " for the next session, too?" " No, no that's, uh, that's fine." "Sorry the gravy train is ending here, doc." "That's okay." "So, why are you leaving?" "I got you curious, huh?" "Remember I told you my squadron commander called me?" "Well, last week they finally brought me in." "Now, I thought they wanted to ease me back in, but no." "They need me to train the next wave of pilots for their deployment, get them ready to fly ASAP." "Always playing catch-up in this war." " So what did you say to them?" " I said, "Fuck you!" "I'm 39 years old, in the prime of my life, and one of the most decorated fighter pilots in the Navy." "No, no, you're not gonna put me out to pasture, no, not in the middle of a war." "Get yourself another boy."" " That's what you said to them?" " Well, not really, but, but I thought it." "Actually, what I said was," ""Yes, sir." "However I can be of service to you, sir", and, uh..." "I reported for duty the next day." "You think I'm crazy?" "I can only get away with that bullshit with you." "Well, at least we know why you come here." "So what's it like, being back at base?" "It's been a real trip, I mean... most of these guys are right out of TOPGUN, cocky as hell." "When they look in my eyes, they know I've been places they couldn't conjure up in their worst nightmares." "Makes them think twice before fucking with me." "So, training young pilots, is that... is that something you can see yourself doing?" "I don't know, maybe in a... another context." "But this is set up to fail." "There's no way these kids are gonna be ready for combat missions in a month." "I mean, it's crazy." "Look, I'm taking them through tactical situations." "Some of them are doing better than others, but when you're up in the air, it's read and react." "Read-react, like a machine, no thinking." "It's, it's like split-second decisions that can cost thousands of lives, including their own." "Most of these kids, they look at me on the simulators, and they're like, "Whoa!"" "Well, they're blown away." "That must feel really great." "I overheard a couple of these kids talking shit about me... saying that I " " I might be good on the simulators but they'd kick my ass on the obstacle course." "Called me old man and all that bullshit." "Well, hey..." "I called their bluff." "Check this out:" "now, the drill is called "the gauntlet"." "It's a five-mile run through dense woods and sand traps, and, uh, rope-and-barrier hurdles, balance beams, and a maze." "Now after all that, ha-haa... there's the, uh... helo-dunker." "Now, the helo-dunker is like this giant -- looks, it looks like a beer can." "It's basically a crash simulator." "And we hit the water, hard, upside down, strapped in tight." "And we have to get out... with almost no oxygen." "We're in full gear: helmet, spacesuit," "G-suit, gloves, the whole nine yards." "Now, there are four immersions." "The last two, the water's dark." "It's like a, like a night landing." "And a lot of these kids, they get disoriented and start flipping the fuck out." "So... we have to rescue them." "It's, it's tough." "It separates the men from the boys, let me tell you." "So, doc... how do you think I did?" "Do I really have to guess, Alex?" "Touché." "I never panic." "I'm at home down there, in the dark, swimming for my life." "And not only did I beat all their asses," "I came within two seconds of a base record." "Not bad for a broken-down old pilot, huh?" "Huh?" "Come on, Paul." "Okay, so, my squadron commander calls me back up to his office." "This time, all the brass were there, and they want to know if I'm interested in going back to active duty." "If I am, I have to go through a modified basic training at Pensacola, a battery of tests -- physical, psychological -- just to make sure I've recovered." "So I said," ""Bring it on, baby!" "I'm ready for anything!"" "Are you surprised?" "Well, a little, I guess." "I, uh..." "I shouldn't be, but I suppose it was always a possibility." "But you think, it's too fast, right?" "Do you think, it's too fast?" "Doc... you have no idea how good it feels to be useful again." "I mean, to tell you the truth, I think, that's been the real problem." "I mean, sitting around, feeling sorry for myself." "I'm a doer, not a talker, so all, all of this, it's, that's over." "Those days are over." "So, here's what I need from you:" "You're gonna get a call from one of your compatriots." "He's a Navy doctor named Connell." "He's gonna be checking up on me." "You told the Navy you were seeing me?" "I thought that was professional suicide." "Yeah, they caught wind that I had left the house." "And they wanted to know if it had anything to do with the bombing and the aftermath." "So I told them I'd been doing some counseling with you... you know, my marriage..." "and that I was fit as a fiddle." " Do you feel fit as a fiddle?" " Paul, don't fuck with me on this." "You're talking about my career now." "Just tell him all good things." "Plus, the Navy needs me." "You think they can afford to have someone like me just pissing around?" "Just tell him I'm ready." "Well, let's just talk about whether you are ready or not." "Look, hey, cut the crap!" "I need this." "You're putting me in a very difficult position, Alex." "We talked about a lot more than Michaela." "You don't expect me to lie, do you?" "Okay, physically, I'm fine." "I had the heart attack almost four months ago." "All the cardiologists say that I, that..." "They're amazed by my recovery." "I can handle it." "But what about emotionally, Alex?" "Can you imagine yourself back in an airplane, flying a mission after what happened?" "What are you talking about, the madrasah thing?" "Look, the madrasah thing is the crisis that brought you here in the first place." "Are you sure that you're ready... to put yourself in that kind of situation again?" "No, no, no, listen." "Terrorists hide among civilians." "It's a common tactic." "It's their fault if there's collateral damage, not ours." "They're the ones putting their women and children at risk." "Let's put aside the question of who's at fault or, or, or who isn't." "Could you live with yourself if you were responsible for more civilian casualties?" "That's bullshit." "Alex, you gave yourself a heart attack a few months ago." "Can you honestly tell me that you're not worried, that you're not scared that your guilt will lead to " "Guilt is not an issue for a pilot in a time of war." " We're not trained to think that way." " I'm not asking what you think." "I'm asking you to tell me what you feel." "And I'm telling you, it doesn't matter." "Let me just see who this is." "Sorry." "It went fine." "Yeah, yeah, they did ask me." "No..." "No, I can't talk about that right now." "Can I call you back?" "Michaela, let me go, all right?" "I'm with somebody right now." "Yeah, I will." "Yeah." "Bye." "Sorry." "She wanted to know how the meeting with the brass went." "You know, she's totally obsessed with me flying again." "You know that." "Why do you think she's so anxious for you to fly again?" "Well, my little sabbatical upset her sense of order." "Now, if it was a couple of weeks, it would be all right." "I am taking a break, whatever." "I told you we were having dinner to discuss me coming back home?" "Yeah, well... the heat is on." "I don't " " I don't think I can fight it any longer." " Plus it's what everybody wants." " "Everyone"?" "Everybody." "My father included." "Well, you know, he and Michaela, they're united in everything." "Why is you father so anxious for you to fly again?" "Well, there's nothing deep behind it, Paul." "He thinks I need to get back to my job." "It's what a man does." "And he's right." "Can you tell me how you got to that conclusion?" "Are you sure you have time for that?" "'Cause I just came by " "We've got plenty of time." "I think, this is something important that we need to talk about, especially, if you are trying to push me for an assessment." "It's hot as hell in here." "We had a party, for my son, a birthday party." "And everything became clear." "I told you, my son Roy is a special kid." "Have I told you that?" "He doesn't seem to need friends." "So, when we asked him what kind of party he wanted, he said "only family"." "I supported that." "I didn't want to force him to be anything he isn't." "So, all the uncles and aunts came and the cousins, and everybody was in a good mood." "My dad, he got there early." "He's establishing and setting up everything and acting like he owns the place, ordering my wife around." "I could tell, he had been there a lot -- since I left." "And the bitch he married, she was there, too, in the kitchen cooking, as if my mother never existed." "It made me feel like -- shit, like a... a stranger in my own home." "My father sees me and he gives me one of those cold smiles, and..." ""Alex... nice of you to make it."" "I could tell he had... a wild hair up his ass about something." "But, you know what?" "I didn't ask." "'Cause when he wants to share, he shares, and then he's all over me, and then, you know, I'm in no rush to get there." "But he is great with Roy, though, they, they connect." "Somehow it's easy for them." "Did you feel like you weren't connecting with Roy?" "I don't know, there were a lot of people there, we didn't have much time alone." "Have you seen a lot of him since you left home?" "Once, twice." "I, I don't know what you consider "a lot"." "Did he ever ask why you weren't living at home anymore?" "Yeah." "I told him that his dad was on a special mission." "I mean, I'm gone half the time." "He's used to it." "To tell you the truth..." "I think it's been a relief for him." "Why would it be a relief for his dad to be away?" "He was loose as hell... at the party." "I mean, he's running around, he's playing with his cousins, he's talking to everybody." "You should have seen him." "He was, he was a different person." "He was open, he was outgoing." "It's like he bloomed in my absence." "Well, not bloomed." "Jeez, he's not a fucking flower." "It's like he spread his wings." "Yeah, that's what it was like." "Maybe he was happy because you were there, maybe because he was just glad to see you." "You know, it's interesting when you talk about flying, Alex, because you make no bones whatsoever about the fact that the Navy really needs you, that they can't do it without you." "Yet when it comes to talking about your son " "Paul, Paul, slow the fuck down." "The boy was having a great day before I ever got there." "Is it possible that you're projecting your own feelings about your father onto your son?" "How do you mean?" "Well, that you might be doing better yourself, spreading your wings, too, if he wasn't there, if he wasn't... in your way, so to speak." "No, doc." "My being there didn't make the kid happy that day." "Just the opposite... in fact." "How?" "What happened?" "I told you, Roy was obsessed with chess, right?" "I got him this magnificent set, it was -- all ivory, imported from Nairobi, just a real work of art." "And he just looked at the pieces, mesmerized." "But, now, the board, that was only half of the gift." "The other half... was that I've been working on my own chess game, and I was gonna play my boy." "So, we sat down at the chessboard." "Everybody's watching." "I thought I'd, uh..." "I'd open with something simple..." "The King's Indian, which is where you establish your pawns in the center of the board." "Then he moved, and I countered." "And he moved again." "I countered again." "And we're moving along at this real nice clip, and I think, I'm holding my own." "And then..." "I'll never forget it." "He looked up suddenly... and it was like a shadow fell over his face." "And he stood up from the table, and he said..." ""I'm not feeling well." "I don't want to play."" "He goes back up to his bedroom, and I follow him up the stairs, I knock on the door." "He doesn't answer." "And I crack the door open and I see him." "He's sitting at his desk." "He's got his back to me." "And I don't know if he heard me." "I was about to say something, but I didn't," "I just, I stood there and I stared at the back of his head." "Something about him, I don't know what it was..." "It broke my heart." "Then I, I heard these footsteps coming up behind me, and I turn around and it's my father." "And he says, "You know why he quit, don't you?"" "I shook my head." "And he gives me that look, that look that sees right through you." "He says, "He knew, in three moves, Alex, you were gonna lose." "He didn't wanna beat his father in front of the whole family." "He felt sorry for you."" "Do you think he was right?" "Yeah, I know he was right." "That's my son, to a tee." "And then, my father, he pulls me into a room and he just ripped into me." "He says, "You are pathetic." "One thing goes wrong in your little cushy life and you turn soft as butter."" "He just, he didn't understand why I wasn't eager to fly again, or why I was away from home, doing..." "god knows what with god knows who like a fucking teenager." "He says, "You know, you disappoint me, boy." "I raised you to be stronger than that." "I raised you to be a man."" "And he wanted to know who put all these ideas in my head." "Who turned me into a..." "what did he, uh... who turned me into a "selfish, whining little bitch"." "Was it the fags I was hanging around with?" "Or was it -- and this one, he really seized on -- was it the shrink?" "How would he know you were seeing a shrink?" " Michaela told him." " You told her?" "Yeah, I had to." "You know I've been paying you cash, 'cause I was trying to avoid a paper trail." "But -- that means I've been withdrawing..." "from ATMs all the time." "Michaela looks at the bank statements and she saw that there wasn't money there, and she wanted to know where it was going." "Anyway, look, I told her, I've been consulting with someone about my thoughts..." "And that was the word, "thoughts"... my "thoughts" about me and her." "And did you get into that, your thoughts about, uh..." "about the two of you?" "No, she shut down." "So, anyway, anyway, listen." "My father... yeah, my father, he's giving me this whole earful, he goes downstairs, and -- man..." "I felt like I had been hit by a freight train." "I locked myself in the bathroom and I sat there... so I could just, just catch my breath." "And when I finally got my shit together I went back downstairs, and... and everybody was around the chessboard again, watching another match, including Michaela." "And..." "You know what it was?" "It was my father... and my son, and they are locked in this epic battle, matching each other move for move, totally out of my league." "And everyone's oohing and ahhing and..." "They didn't even notice... that I was there." "What was it about Roy that broke your heart when you were watching him in his room?" "Uhh..." "He seemed so... vulnerable, somehow." "Vulnerable to what?" "I don't know, really, um..." "Everything..." "Forces, expectations... stuff coming at him that -- he can't control," "I can't control." "So, I slipped out of the house, without anyone knowing." "It was for the better." "For whom?" "For my boy." "Do you really think that your son is better off without his father on his birthday?" "Yeah, I do." "After that, I got in my car, and I drove... drove and drove, fast." "And when I finally ran out of gas, it was after dark." "I wound up at this bar that Sean and Daniel had taken me to." "And I started to drink -- hard, looking at all the faggots prancing around." "I felt like knocking somebody's teeth down their fucking throat." "But nobody came near me, they -- didn't even look at me." "It was kind of like they knew like I had this invisible force field around me." "You said before that, um, when you started telling me about the party, that everything became clear that day." "What, what was it that became clear?" "That I needed to go." "I needed to get back to the Navy... discipline, order, "Yes, sir, no, sir", knowing when to go to sleep, when to wake up, what to wear, what to eat, what to do," "I, to get out of my own head." "This is not for everyone, you know, this self-examination." "Some of us... we just need to live our lives, man." "Why do you think you went to that particular bar?" "I don't know." "I wanted anyone so much as breathe so I could beat the living hell out of them, that's why." "But nobody did." "No." "Could it be, Alex, that you were there for exactly the opposite reason?" "'Cause no one would question you or ask you to be anything other than yourself?" "You see, these issues with your father, with your own identity, with what you really want for yourself... these things... they have to be looked at." "Don't you think it would be better to deal with them here on the ground than have them follow you 20,000 feet into the air?" "Wait, wait, wait." "Are you actually expressing an opinion here?" "Are you telling me not to fly?" "I can't answer that." "I-I-It makes me feel like y-y-you're asking me to share responsibility for another major decision in your life, you know, go back to Baghdad, leave Michaela." "I think, we're way past that." "I'm not asking you to decide, Paul." "I can decide." "I have decided." "No, I'm asking you -- man to man..." "Tell me, what would you do... if you were me?" "Alex, if I was you..." "I would stay in therapy." "I would continue to deal with the complex, difficult issues that we've been talking about, not sweep them under the carpet like you've been doing in your life." "I can tell you one thing:" "They will creep up on you again." "But you won't tell me not to fly." "You know, you're wrong." "I don't make mistakes." "When I'm up in the sky, that's when I'm in control." "You don't get it yet." "I am -- the best." "Now, Paul, listen to me." "Paul..." "Don't fuck me up with this Navy shrink." "Please." "Don't take my world away from me." "Well..." "I think we're done." "What is it, doc?" "Here's my, uh, my cell phone." "I want you to call me anytime, day or night... if you need to talk about anything." "Okay?" "I just had a thought." "Soon I'm going to be flying over the armpit of the fucking world... and I'll be thinking about you... in your... in your chair." "You know, Alex," "I just wanted to say that..." "I think, you've done great work here... brave... really." "I want us to continue that." "Okay?" " Bye, doc." " Take care, Alex."