"( theme music playing )" "some of you may be wondering what i am doing in the cellar of my cafe, bricking myself up." "i will tell you." "last night, a group of german generals were in my cafe, planning the invasion of england." "in order not to be blown up by the resistance, they had disguised themselves as french onion sellers." "unfortunately, they became mixed up with a group of british airmen, also disguised as french onion sellers." "thanks to the resistance, all these onion sellers are now on their way to the coast to be shipped to england by submarine." "naturally, i will be blamed for this fiasco, so i am going to remain down here, behind this wall, until the war is over." "rene!" "rene, i have brought for you two bottles of your favorite cognac... some baked beans." "oh, edith-- i already have eight cases of baked beans." "have you nothing else?" "here is a gorgonzola and some candles." "ah, well, in the circumstances, i think lighting these might be too risky." "i will stick to my torch." "i have been thinking-- what if they blame me?" "maybe i would be safer if i bricked myself up with you." "oh, no, no, edith, no." "i am sure you can talk your way out of it." "not only that, who would unbrick me once the cement becomes set?" "no, you stay out there." "but i have a little hammer." "we could both bang away until someone heard us." "help me through." "rene!" "rene, there are germans everywhere." "nowhere is safe." "that is why i am bricking myself up with my husband." "but if they cannot find you, they will put the blame on me!" "i, too, will brick myself up with you." "no, there is not enough room." "we would have to sleep on top of each other." "we must not be selfish, edith." "edith!" "oh, edith, there are germans everywhere." "what if they should torture me to find out where you are hiding?" "if you had not come down here, you would not know where we are hiding, you inquisitive old bat!" "i wish also to be bricked up." "oh, heck!" "could we not brick her up separately?" "rene, do not be so selfish." "come, climb in, mamma, while there is still time." "rene, rene!" "look, if you think you are coming in here, you can think again." "michelle insists on seeing you in the back room." "well, i do not wish to see her." " shall i bring her down?" " no, if you do that, she will know where we are hiding." "come." "oh." "i hope this is important." "well?" "listen very carefully, i shall say this only once, and for the last time." "why?" "are you leaving?" " no, you are." " huh?" "tomorrow the capture of the german generals will be headline news throughout the world." "you will be the hero, a symbol of freedom, a bright flame that will never die!" "oh!" "here is the highest reward for bravery the resistance can bestow." "my brave, immortal husband." "what an honor." "and here is a suicide pill." "a suicide pill?" "take it without delay." "what happened to the bright flame that will never die?" "you know too much." "when they arrest you in connection with the disappearance of the generals they will torture you-- you may reveal my identity." "well then, why do you not take it?" "and then it will not matter." "i am far too valuable." "you must sacrifice yourself for france, knowing that your work is done." "oh, rene, just think, i shall be the beautiful widow of a brave hero." "i am not taking this pill!" "edith, help me!" "i will get you a glass of water." "monsieur rene-- i, monsieur alphonse, undertaker, have come to pay my last respects to the great hero of france." "it will be my privilege to bury you... with full military honors in the vegetable garden" "at cost, plus 2 1/2%." "how can i get it into all your thick heads that i am not taking this pill?" " ( pounding ) - ( rene gasps ) michelle," "i am the bearer of bad tidings." "the fish lorry has hit a bomb crater." "all the german generals are now on their way back to berlin." "you call this bad tidings?" "as far as i am concerned this is good tidings." "now at least the german generals will not know that they were being driven to the coast in a fish truck to be shipped off to england!" "they thought they were being driven away to safety, away from the air raid." "thank heavens, i am in the clear." "in that case, we will have back the pill-- oh, yes." " and the medal." "would you believe that, edith?" "you have to die these days to become a hero." "as some small compensation, i will make no charge for the coffin i have prepared." "thank you very much, i am sure." "i will keep it in my store." "with the sort of life you are leading, i think you are going to need it quite soon." "( sobbing ) oh, poor edith." "oh, i am sorry, rene." "do not cry, my sweet." "they have taken away your medal." "oh, i do not mind about a silly old medal." "and i am not to be the widow of a great hero." "helga, i must at once see the colonel." " i will announce you." " there's no time." "colonel, i have just left the general." "he is in a most awful state of agitation." "berlin is blaming him for the fiasco with the generals-- he is looking for a scapegoat." "and who is this to be?" "as his confidential aide, i am not permitted to divulge the name." "of course. i understand." "but i can point." "oh my god, this is a disaster!" "i'm not to blame." " of course you are not." " you will back me up, gruber." "i will be right behind you." "soldier:" "general von klinkerhoffen!" "tell him i'm out." "( shouting ) general von klinkerhoffen!" "( meekly ) heil hitler." "i will see the colonel at once." "♪ every little breeze ♪" "♪ seems to whisper louise. ♪ i'm just practicing a little turn for a charity concert that i intend to give." "keep practicing-- you will be giving it at the russian front." "i have been called to berlin to account for the unforgivable incident with my generals and i have decided that you are entirely to blame." "but it was all your idea, general!" "what was my idea?" "to dress the generals as peasants and the peasants as generals so that the resistance wouldn't know who to blow up." "gruber, have you ever heard me expound such a ludicrous plan?" "think carefully before you reply, and consider how many pairs of long, woolly underwear you will require if you give the wrong answer." "general, when i was a very small boy, my mother made me promise that i would never let a falsehood pass my lips." "i admire you for this attitude, gruber." "you will go and help the colonel pack for the russian front." "yes, general." "then you will also pack yourself." "and you can take your boring mother with you!" "on my god!" "i'm all a-shiver." "look at me-- i'm like a jelly." " what are we going to do." " here" "( clinking ) drink this." "at a time like this, gruber, i am as cool as a cucumber." "i can see our course of action very clearly." "captain bertorelli must help us." "with his connections in rome, we could arrange to hide out in the vatican." "they would not hide us, would they?" "the catholic church will do anything for money." "but we do not have any money." "we will have lots of money when we sell the paintings of the fallen madonna with the big boobies, and the cracked vase with the big daisies." "they are in the hands of the communist resistance." "but rene knows where to find them-- and we know where to find rene." "um... what about helga?" "we promised to cut her in." "we will cut her out." "they don't like women in the vatican." "sounds quite an amusing place." "on the other hand, we did make a promise." "we are not coming up against your boring mother again?" "on this occasion, i am sure she would understand." "never again will i trust a nazi poofter!" "even in the gestapo i have never previously heard a tale of such devious double-dealing." "if we don't take action, herr flick, we will have no painting to sell after the war." "you must discover their plan." "find out where the painting is hidden and we will nab it from under their scheming noses." "but, herr flick, in your condition you are in no state to undertake such an operation." "the gestapo will find a way." "meanwhile, you will assist with my remedial treatment." "start the music." "can i help in any other way?" "yes-- pull it in time to the music." "( music begins playing )" " ( rene humming ) - my husband-- i have not heard you singing since 1938!" "oh, i am happy, edith, we are off the hook." "all we have to do now is to run our little cafe, keep friendly with the germans, keep on the right side of the resistance and wait until the war is over." "we have put madame fanny back in her bed." "we have given her a large gin." "oh good." "here, help with the customers." "oh, look-- here comes the itai captain who has the hots for me." "ah, the beautiful signorina, i kiss your hand." "mmm, each time i look in your eyes my heart go, boom-tiddy-boom, tiddy-boom!" "oh, captain alberto, you itais know how to turn a girl's head." "and a man's stomach." "maybe after the war, you and me we run this place together, and we make many little alberto's, huh?" "oh, captain!" "if she can remember the recipe." "this cafe has been requisitioned by the german army." " everybody out!" " shoo, shoo." "everybody out!" "everybody out!" "colonel, what are you doing?" "you are ruining me-- they have not paid their bills!" "the colonel has called an emergency meeting." "sit down, rene." "you too, captain." "now-- we have to take swift and decisive action." "general von klinkerhoffen is about to send the colonel and lieutenant gruber to the russian front." "rene:" "oh no, colonel!" "this a terrible news." "you tell that general klinkerhoffen from me if he do this to my friends, we, the italian army, we not invade england." "i am not sure this would worry the general too drastically." "we need rene to help us get out of france into italy." "and we need you, captain, to help us to get to the vatican, where we can buy passports for south america." "dear colonel, how am i supposed to get you out of france?" "stop pretending, rene." "you have been busy enough getting the british airmen out." "yes, but they go the other way." "i will help you." "you stay with my uncle enrico-- he pass you on to my cousin giuseppe-- from there you hide in the margarine factory, which belong to my aunty flora." "what about the vatican?" "this is the problem, the vatican cost a lot of money." "the pope, he don't do nothing for nothing." "for this reason, we must recover, at once, the paintings of the cracked vase with the big daisies and the fallen madonna with the big boobies." "with these we will pay the vatican." "colonel, i have to tell you, the big boobies cut no ice with the pope." "no, we will sell it and give the money to the pope." "colonel, what about my share?" "we will send it on to you." "uh, you can trust us, helga." "the paintings are still in the headquarters of the communist resistance." " and who put them there?" " he did." "and who knows exactly where they are?" "he does." "and who is going to get them for us?" "everyone:" "he is." "and to think that only a moment ago i did not have a care in the world." "make the attention!" "fantastica!" "present the bayonets!" "screw the bayonets!" "soldiers:" "yeah, screw the bayonets!" "you, you stupid gits!" "you, thick in the heads!" "i mean, screw the bayonets into the rifle!" "no smoke the fag on parade!" "it is time you had a new chair, my love." "this one is old and squeaky." "everything is old and squeaky." "where do you you wish to go?" "to the museum." "and do not leave me there like you did the last time." "you see those sacks?" "they the communist resistance." "i want that you go stick it through them." "now, look the fierce." " show the teeth." " ( soldier snarls )" " make the growling." " grrr!" "make my blood run cold." "charge!" "( men growl ) that's good. you heroes!" "we win the war!" "( cheering ) next charge, get the ready." "look the fierce, show the teeth, make the growling-  ( men growl ) - make the charge!" "hilt!" "what for you stop the charge?" "old ladies have right of woo." "( chair squeaking )" "now you can charge." "what's your game, eh?" "you not say when we make the charge." "i say when we make the charge." "make the charge." "hell." "psst!" "michelle?" " rene-- - hmm?" "since we declared our love for each other, i've not been able to sleep." "let me crush you in my arms." "oh, very well, if you must." "while we are doing this, listen very carefully, i shall say this only once." "mimi has told me of your plan." "the resistance need the paintings to sell for party funds." "you will take the forgeries, go to the communist headquarters and substitute them so that the germans think they have recovered the originals." "michelle, much as i love you, how can i do this?" "they have lookouts." "everyone who approaches will be shot." "they will not shoot a franciscan vicar wheeling a pram." "well, that would be an unusual sight, i must admit." " but how does that concern-- - ask no more questions," " just crush me to you." " oh, michelle!" "i'm very sorry, colonel, i have searched the cafe from top to bottom, there is no sign of rene." "truly, colonel, he disappeared an hour ago," " i know not where." " never mind." "the old piano player can direct us." "i will not do it." "get back inside that tank!" "( gun fires ) heil hitler!" "colonel!" "my paintwork." "don't be a sissy!" "alberto, are you ready?" " are we ready?" " yeah!" "you bet your sweet bippy." "we go. in the tank." "after you, colonel." "( all grunt )" "of all the harebrained schemes michelle has devised, this must be the maddest." "stop whinging and hand me my bottle." "you do not know what these communists are like." "that laroque woman, their leader, she is a maniac." "she is in lyons at the secret communist party conference." "( belches ) you should not have eaten all of those rusks." "halt!" "this is a prohibited area." "what are you doing here?" "i am a franciscan vicar." "i am taking this child to the orphanage." "it was left on our doorstep." "i think it must have been there a long time." "pass." "please avoid the bumps." "i am getting pramsick." "i still have rene in sight." "halt!" "this is a prohibited area." "where are you going?" "i am taking my little baby, diddums, for a stroll." "do not tell me you found that on a doorstep!" "my name is herr otto flick of the gestapo." "one more crack like that and you will be shot with a pistol concealed in my dolly." "i cannot see anybody about." "i told you, they are in lyons." "get the paintings." "they are still here." " here are the forgeries." " all right. hide those." " stay where you are!" " ( rene screams ) rene artois, my lover, my childhood sweetheart!" "you have returned to me as i knew that you would." "hello." "creep along the hedge." "you keep down your heads." "you don't move until i tell you." "understood?" " okey-dokey, kiddo." " hey, hey!" "what you mean, "okey-dokey"?" "i'm your officer." "you have some respect." "okey-dokey, sir." "stand by to fire!" "well, uh-- it has been nice talking to you again, denise." "good luck with the war." "i will just go and get this baby back to its mummy." "( belches ) excuse me." "one of my girls will take it." " what?" " you will never leave me again." "ah, well, i-- i-- i will just go and explain to her." "coochie, coochie." "you heard her." "now what do we do?" "do not worry." "the colonel will be attacking at any moment." "( cannon fires ) we are being attacked!" "to your posts!" "( machine guns firing ) hold your fire!" "they are surrendering." "surrendering?" "already?" "they have fallen into our trap." "our girls have them covered from behind." "oh." "put your hands up!" "so, the great italian army!" "we have had you under observation for the last two miles and you walked straight into our trap." "what a mistake to make!" "( theme music playing )"