"And that is how you properly maintain and harvest radishes." "Wow, that's really interesting, Timmy." "[ Buzzer sounds ]" "Oh, that's the buzzer." "I'll get it." "SAM:" "Yo, it's me." "Let me up." "It's Sam." "Fuck!" "Could this day get worse?" "Why?" "What's wrong with Sam?" "Sam lust learned about reverse psychology." "So?" "So he's annoying now." "Hey, guys." "Nobody suck my dick." "Whatever you do, do not hold me down and suck on my dick." "Uhh, okay." "Don't worry." "I would hate it so much if you guys tried that." "It would hurt so bad if you guys all blew me." "Okay." "Thanks for coming over, buddy." "All right, I'm gonna go in the other room and get some chips." "Don't you guys plan anything." "You guys." "We should fucking suck his dick." "Stop it!" "Take that!" "Son of a bitch." "Stop!" "Stop it!" "You son of a bitch." "Take that." "And that." "Stop it!" "Ow!" "Aah!" "Yeah!" "Stop it!" "Hey, what are you doing, man?" "I'm kicking the shit out of this guy." "Aah!" "Ow!" "Stop it!" "Stop it." "What?" "Why are you kicking this guy?" "Because he killed my kids." "Really?" "Yeah, both of them." "Oh, that sucks, man." "What a ierk." "Take that." "Yeah." "And that." "What's wrong with you?" "Killing people's kids." "Kill my kids." "Take that." "Son of a bitch." "Son of a bitch." "So how did he kill your kids, anyway?" "He's an executioner up at the state prison system." "Wait." "Are you serious?" "Yeah." "They were on death row." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Stop, stop, stop!" "This is an officer of the law." "We could get in a lot of trouble." "Here, I'm sorry, man." "I didn't kick you." "Yes, you did." "Get down on the ground, you son of a bitch." "Hey!" "How do you like them apples?" "Kicking me for doing my job." "Yeah." "Making me assault an officer of the law." "Just 'cause you're mad about your dead kids." "Yeah." "Hey, what did his kids do, anyway?" "That's the best part." "They didn't do a thing." "I framed them." "Ha, ha!" "Wait." "Are you serious?" "Yeah." "Pretty sweet, huh?" "An ingenious plan." "And now I'm kicking their father." "How do you like that, ghost children?" "Whoa, dude." "Stop, stop." "You're a bad guy." "I'm sorry, man." "I didn't kick you." "Yeah, you did." "Get down on the ground." "Ow!" "That hurts!" "Framing my kids." "I'm sorry, man." "I had no idea." "I thought you were lust some sort of crazy, enraged parent that was assaulting an officer of the law." "No." "Framing my kids for a crime they didn't commit." "And then make sure you're the one that pulled the switch." "That's so crazy, man." "Why would he go through all that effort just to mess with you?" "He lust wanted to hurt me 'cause he found out that I'm the one who raped and murdered his wife two years ago." "Stop it!" "Wait." "Are you being serious?" "He took away my one true love!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "I'm sorry, man. I didn't kick you." "Yes, you did!" "Get down on the ground, you son of a bitch." "He frowned upon our love because she was only 8 years old." "What?" "Okay, wait." "You're the bad... ." "You're both bad guys." "Get down on the ground." "Take that, you son of a bitch." "Take that, you son of a bitch." "Take that." "Take that." "Take that, you son of a bitch." "Take that." "Take that." "Take that, you son of a bitch." "Take that and that and that, you son of a bitch." "Take that and that and that, you son of a bitch." "NARRATOR:" "It was the year 1 927." "Hoover had just declared war on Cuba, a gallon of bread cost merely a shiny nickel, and a new dance craze called 'You Son of a Bitch"" "was sweeping the city's sock hops and speakeasies." "It was discovered when a traveling businessman named Jeremiah Phillips came across a young man kicking two ragamuffins in a city street one day." "They agreed to split the profits from the new jig 50-5O and then headed off to the bright lights of New York City." "Well, in a matter of weeks, the two men were millionaires and decided to pool their resources into building what would later be known as the Empire State Building." "They toiled and planned for seven long years on the construction of the modern marvel." "But then the ice age set in, the weather patterns shifted, and all of the Northeast became engulfed in ice and tundra." "Soon the meat trucks stopped coming into the Big Apple." "Then the vegetation withered and died." "The sky grew dark, and slowly mankind thinned into extinction." "All right." "Good morning, class." "Welcome to the new year." "Before we start today, does anyone have anything neat they did over summer vacation?" "Would anyone like to talk about their summer break?" "Yes, Steven?" "My brother let me try mariiuana." "That's great, Steven." "lt was so awesome, you guys." "I'm gonna do it every day for the rest of my life." "Okay, Steven, go to the principal's office." "What?" "Why?" "Go to the office." "Did anyone have anything legal that they did over summer vacation?" "Yes, Billy?" "This summer I teached a whale to jump out of its tail." "What?" "This summer, over summer break, I teached a whale to jump out of his tail." "What are you talking about, Billy?" "This summer. I teached a whale to jump out of his tail." "Stop being silly." "You're not making any sense." "I'm not being silly." "I'm answering your question." "That's what I did this summer." "I teached a whale to jump out of the water, and then lump again so hard that his tail came off." "Billy, that's impossible." "Stop lying, or I will send you to the principal's office." "I'm not lying." "Stop calling me a liar." "This summer I teached a whale to jump out of his tail on vacation." "Billy, stop lying." "You're wasting class time." "I'm not lying." "And your calling me a liar is damaging my self-esteem as a student." "Fine." "Then prove it." "Prove what?" "Prove that you taught a whale to jump out of its tail." "Okay, how am I gonna prove that here in Ohio?" "It's not like there's a ton of whales in Akron." "Guess you can't prove me a liar, huh?" "Then where did you teach these whales to lump out of their tails?" "Florida." "Son of a bitch, Billy." "Totally did it." "All right, class, get your shit!" "We're going to Florida!" "What about permission slips?" "Fuck permission slips!" "Here we go, Billy." "I am gonna prove you to be the lying liar that I know that you are." "You will rue the day!" "Whatever, Miss "Lame-bert."" "[ Laughter ]" "That's it." "No seat belt for Billy." "Hey, no." "I want my seat belt." "No." "No seat belt for you." "Maybe now if we get in an accident you'll think about showing your elders some respect." ""Sealand -- 1 O miles." Here we go!" "Hello there, and welcome to Sealand Orlando, home to sea creatures of the world and beyond." "Hi." "Yes." "How are you doing?" "My name is Mrs. Lambert." "And I teach third grade at Akron Elementary...." "Well, hello, Mrs. Lambert." "My name is Timmy Williams." "And I am the official sea greeter here at Sealand Orlando, home to sea creatures of the world and beyond." "That's wonderful." "Thank you." "I have a student here named Billy who claims he can teach a whale to jump out of its own tail." "[ Laughter ] I know." "That's impossible." "Thank you." "You would have to be, like, the greatest whale trainer ever born to do something like that." "lt is as you say." "Oh, my God." "No, it's not." "He's lying." "He is a liar." "Billy, be silent." "Might we borrow one of your whales so that Billy could show us all this impressive feat of his?" "I'm sorry, but we are temporarily out of whales here at Sealand Orlando, home to sea creatures of the world and beyond." "You see, the last hurricane that came through here, Jennifer, picked up all the whales up out of their tank and dropped them down onto the old abandoned barbwire factory on the outskirts of town." "We found old Sham-Sham with his tail all twisted up and impaled on a piece of barbwire." "He was trying to get back to the sea with his little whale fins." "He made it about halfway through the basketball court, but he lust couldn't get his tail free." "So he slowly baked to death there on the asphalt while the local schoolkids came out and used his body as a bike ramp." "I could have taught him how to get away from his tail." "Billy, shut up!" "Everybody back in the car." "We're going to Mexico." "Let's go, kids." "I'm coming with!" "You know a whale's heart is eight times the size of a man's?" "I heard that Sham-Sham finally died when some kid stabbed him in the eye with a ruler." "But I think his heart was just too big for this world." "I want all of the children to make a promise to me that when Billy is discovered to be a liar, they will not be friends with him anymore." "Hey, Miss Lambert, how do you get all those cool blue lines in your legs?" "[ Laughter ]" ""Mexico -- 4 miles."" "In SPANISH:" "Welcome from the Ocean of Mexico, the home of marine ocean." "Hello, my name is Mrs. Lambert." "And I teach third grade at Akron Elementary in Akron, Ohio." "I have a student here named Billy who claims he can teach a whale to jump out of its tail." "In SPANISH:" "Oh, my God." "Only the one foretold in prophecy who could one day unite the eight wandering tribes of Mexico can accomplish such a feat." "Behold. I am among you." "No." "He's lying." "He is a liar." "Billy, I will beat you lifeless!" "Might we borrow one of your whales so that Billy could show us all this impressive feat?" "Silly lady." "There are no whales in Mexico." "Then why does your sign say "Whale World"?" "What, that sign right there?" "That says "Wahale World."" "What the fuck is a "wahale"?" "It's kind of like a chalupa." "There's whale in it." "Okay." "That's it." "I'm gonna find one myself." "Kids, to the ocean!" "Let's go." "I'm coming with." "The ocean, she's crazy." "Once saw a dolphin jump out of the water 20 feet, and on its way down, clubbed a girl in the head with a lead pipe." "Okay, lust stop the boat here." "This is a good spot." "Billy, I am gonna find you a whale." "And I'm gonna teach it to jump out of its tail." "And unite the brethren of the wandering tribes." "Maybe." "Shucks, kid, I just wish you the best." "Whale ho!" "Right off the starboard side!" "Okay, everybody." "Let's pay attention as Billy teaches this whale to lump out of its own tail." "Billy, the floor is yours." "[ Whale clicks and groans ]" "Holy shit!" "Billy, you better get ready for...." "Oh, my God." "You look so awesome right now." "You look so cool with that thing." "Hold it up again." "You look amazing." "You look like the raddest kid ever." "Wait a minute." "Here." "Try on my sunglasses." "Whoa!" "That looks awesome!" "You know how cool you look right now?" "You look like the devil." "Here." "Smoke one of my cigarettes." "Put one of those in your mouth." "Just suck on this like a lollipop." "That looks amazing." "That is so awesome." "Honey, come up here." "That is amazing." "Wait. I got to get a camera." "Hey, Rick." "Hey, Rick." "Yeah?" "Can I ask you something?" "Yeah." "Sure." "When did this cult get so weird?" "What do you mean?" "I mean, this cult, it's lust.... lt's not like how we started, you know?" "I don't mind it." "Well, I'm not saying I mind it." "I'm lust saying that, you know, it's gotten a little..." "lately." "I'd say our cult's a bit eccentric." "Okay." "So we're on the same page." "You're lust using the word "eccentric."" "But when did it start being like that, you know?" "It wasn't always like this." "Yeah." "You're right." "I think it was when they started making us all wear the same T-shirts." "I think that's when it started." "Well, that was for the softball tournament." "Yeah, well that's how they ushe!" "red it in." "But then it became robes and... I like the robes." "The robes are fun." "Yeah." "The robes are fun." "I'm just.... lt's lust not normal, you know?" "The robes aren't that weird." "Okay, the robes aren't that weird." "But you know what?" "It's not even about the robes." "It's lust there's something really off about this group, and I can't put my finger on it." "We don't even play softball anymore." "I know." "And what's with training us how to shoot Uzis?" "I don't need to know how to shoot an Uzi." "We haven't played softball in like four years." "That's how this group works, though." "They start you out playing softball." "Then all of a sudden you need to wear the T-shirts all the time." "Then you have to live on-grounds." "Then no one can come and visit." "It's very gradual with this group." "I guess it was pretty weird when we had to rename the planets." "Yeah." "That was weird." "It's like we're a bunch of Mormons or something." "Hey, we are not like the Mormons." "Okay. I'm exaggerating." "But you could see how, in a couple of years...." "There's an alien coming." "And he's a real swell guy." "And I hope he brings an army." "And I hope we don't die." "Hoorah!" "Like that song, man." "I've been singing that song for l don't know how many years." "I don't know what it means." "Bill wrote that song." "Bill." "You know, that's when things started to get weird." "Once Bill got promoted to high prophet, some cuckoo stuff started going on." "I don't know." "Bill's a good leader." "Bill the Most High will see you now." "[ Bill bleats ] lt's lust weird, man." "Boys, boys, settle down, settle down." "Listen up." "Your father and I are going to the store." "To buy lubricant." "Charles!" "And amyl nitrite." "You see, boys, your mother and I have gotten to that point that a lot of married couples reach, where we begin to grow tired of the mundane and the routine." "At this point, a lot of couples tend to have extramarital affairs." "Oh, Dad!" "Let me finish." "So in order to avoid the pitfalls that beset so many couples, your mother and I have decided to spice up the proverbial sack." "Oh, come on!" "Hey, hey, hold on." "So instead of cheating on your mother with another woman, I've decided to cheat on her vagina with her butt hole." "Oh, Dad." "Be quiet." "Hey, hey." "Now that's called being a good dad, okay?" "Everybody's happy." "I'm definitely happy." "Your mother's not being cheated on." "And you kids are happy that you have such a happy pop." "And the family's all together." "Dad, go to the store." "Okay." "We're going, we're going." "The other perk is I get to bust in there." "Oh, come on!" "Okay, now, boys, we don't want any incidents like last time, all right?" "We want all of you to be good." "We will, Mom." "Be safe, kids." "Nail gun!" "Hey, Sam, let me shoot an apple off your head." "I don't have an apple on my head." "Nail gun!" "Oh, Trevor, you killed him." "Yeah, killed with the nail gun." "No, he's really dead, man." "Look!" "Oh, man." "He's getting blood everywhere." "You're gonna get in so much trouble." "You're gonna get in trouble, too." "We were both playing with the nail gun." "Doesn't sound right when you say it that way." "We were both playing with the nail gun!" "What are we gonna do?" "There's got to be some way we can bring him back to life." "The Necronomicon!" "Top shelf, dude." "Chapter 1 8." "Okay, okay." "Jumanii." "It worked!" "I've seen horrible things." "I've been to the lake of fire." "A second here is a millennia in Hades." "Okay, well, calm down, man." "You're okay now." "My dick split open and locusts flew out." "A badger raped me with a thorned cock." "You had anal?" "Gay." "It was so gay!" "You have no idea how gay it was!" "Well, Sam, you're all right now." "Yeah, be quiet." "Mom and Dad are gonna be home any minute." "They turned my rectum inside out and nailed it to a fence post!" "I drowned in wasps!" "Okay." "Sam, be quiet." "I gouged my eyes out to stop seeing the horrors, but they only grew back!" "Out of my way." "I've got a marriage to save." "Every step I took, I stubbed my toe." "They only gave me thumbtacks to eat." "That sounds pretty shitty, Sam." "My dick split open and locusts flew out." "Yeah, you already told us that." "Well, it happened a lot." "Well, boys, am I glowing?" "Boys, for the rest of the day, do not smell this finger." "The worst part is, is since I've been to their world, they can control my body." "Hey!" "Hey, what's wrong with Sammy?" "Nothing." "My soul has merged with all that has died and all that will die." "Hey, that sounds like hellspeak." "What have you boys been up to in here?" "Uhh, rehearsing for a play." "Yeah, we're just running lines." "You were running lines?" "You didn't accidentally kill Sam with the nail gun and have to bring him back from the depths of hell?" "No." "Carpe diem!" "Carpe diem!" "Hey, that's Latin." "Honey, bring me the holy water." "Fuck my pussy!" "Fuck my pussy!" "Fuck my pussy!" "Okay." "Now, you two, I am very upset that you went ahead and killed your brother with the nail gun after we specifically told you to be careful." "However, I am pleased to see that you were smart enough to use the Necronomicon in a pinch." "Now, both of you go up to your room." "You're grounded for two months." "But, Dad." "The sock hop." "I'll sock your hops." "Now get out of here." "Hold on, Sam." "We need to have a little chat." "But I wasn't playing with the nail gun." "I'm not talking about the nail gun." "Sam, when most people die, they go to purgatory." "Why is it that you went straight to hell?" "I don't know." "Sam?" "You have no idea why that might be?" "I have pornos." "That's what I thought." "Bring them to your mother and I." "Well, dear, we've had a pretty eventful day." "We had a nice talk with Zach and Trevor." "Got a hold of Sam's pornography stash." "And I finally got to wriggle inside that sweet, sweet poop chute of yours." "Yes, you did." "Yeah, I did." "You should go check out the toilet." "I just shit it out." "Oh, frosted turd!" "MARRA_OR:" "Billy Matherson was a mild-mannered 8-year-old boy until one day he stuck a fork in an electric socket and became Electro Boy." "Electro Boy" "Saving the universe" "Electro Boy" "Beating the enemy" "I'm so bored." "NARRATOR: reddy was having the most boring afternoon until he met the coolest stranger ever." "Hey, kid." "You want to go for a ride?" "There's some candy in it for you." "Saturdays can be so much fun" "When you meet a new secret friend" "Man, that babysitter is so cute." "I totally want to make out with her." "Yeah, but she'd never make out with little kids like us." "But what if we forced her to?"