"Oh, look at me, I'm dying." "ome bastard in a dirty white cap - a cook in the Normative Nourishment canteen at the Central Council of National Economy - spilled some boiling water and scalded my side." "What a swine." "And a proletarian too." "Christ, it hurts." "What harm was I doing?" "I'm not robbing the Council of National Economy's food supply if I go foraging in their garbage cans, am I?" "Greedy pig." "A thief with a copper snout." "God, I am so hungry." "We are back from the field." "And everywhere class enemies are celebrating." "Tell me, Uncle, for the sake of the people" "No enemy will escape our punishment." "The hoofs are knocking," "The machine-gun is sounding." "The White guard is all beaten up." "But no one will ever overpower the Red army!" "The White guard is all beaten up" "No one will ever overpower the Red army!" "Of all the proletariat janitors are the most vile filth." "Human refuse of the basest sort." "Cooks vary." "Take Vlas, the late Vlas from Prechistenka treet." "The lives he saved!" "When Vlas used to throw you a bone there was always a good eighth of an inch of meat on it." "harik, poor thing, you are so cold." "A typist... he gets a category nine salary of 45 roubles a month." "he is underpaid at the office, they give her rotten food at the canteen." "he hasn't got enough money for the cinema and the cinema is a woman's one comfort in this life." "Did any one ever kick you on the backside with a boot?" "Or hit you with a brick in the ribs?" "My body is all broken, all beaten up." "People have committed just about every outrage you can think of on it." "he called me harik." "I am no harik, am I?" "harik is the sort of name for a round, fat stupid dog that's fed on oatmeal, a dog with a pedigree." "And what about me?" "My future is crystal clear to me." "Tomorrow I'll get pneumonia and having contracted that I, dear citizens, will die of hunger." "I will try to crawl about on my stomach, getting weaker and weaker and the first toff will finish me off with a stick." "Yeah, this one wouldn't eat rotten salt beef." "What would he want to buy in that filthy store?" "ausage!" "Dear ir!" "Better give it to me." "As a matter of fact what use is pecial Cracowian to you?" "What good is a bit of rotten old horsemeat to you?" "It's only in Mosselprom that you can get muck like that." "There's nothing for it;" "I will lick your hands." "No collar." "Excellent." "You're just what I want." "Come with me." "Obukhov Alley?" "Very well." "This place is very well known to me." "Good evening, Philip Philipovich." " Good evening, Fyodor." "Any letters for me?" " None at all, sir." "What are you waiting for?" "Don't be afraid, come on." "Hey, no, wait a minute." "There's a porter here... much more dangerous than janitors." "Worse than cats." "Come, come." "Come in, please." "Philip Philipovich, there're new residents just been put into Flat Three." " Really?" " Yes, indeed, sir, four of them." "My God!" "I can just imagine what it must be like in that flat now." "What are they doing there?" "Nothing special, sir." "And Fyodor Pavlovitch?" "He's gone to get some screens and bricks." "They're going make partitions, Philip Philipovich." "I don't know what the world is coming to!" "Dear me, dear me!" "Come, come with me." "Where on earth did you get that from, Philip Philipovich?" "He does look lousy." "What nonsense." "He isn't lousy." "That's not lice." "It's a scald." "Who was mean enough to throw boiling water over you?" "Eh?" "Take him into the consulting room at once and get me my smock." "Come with me." "Come." "This way, come." " Oh, I can't Philip Philipovich!" " Doctor Bormenthal, get the ether!" " Doctor Bormenthal!" " Hold on, you bastard!" "Zina, grab him by the scruff of the neck, damn him!" "No electricity." "Again." "Just a moment." "Look out, Doctor." "...from eville to Granada..." "in the still of the night..." "Now, you little tramp, why did you bite the Doctor?" "Eh?" "Why did you break all that glass?" "All right, you've come to, so just lie there, stupid." "o it's me who bit him." "That's my work." "That'll mean a beating." "However did you managed to lure such a nervous dog, Philip Philipovich." "By kindness." "The only way to deal with a living being." "Terror will get you nowhere." "That I have maintained, do maintain, and always will maintain." "They believe, terror will help them." "Well, it won't." "No matter which one it is - white, red or even brown." "Zina!" "I bought this good-for-nothing some Cracowian sausage." "Take the trouble to feed him when he gets over his nausea." "Cracowian sausage!" "?" "I'd rather eat the Cracowian salami myself." "Just you try!" "Poison to the human stomach, that's what it is." "You are a grown-up girl, but you go on putting all sorts of nasty things into your mouth, like a child." "Remember: neither me, nor doctor Bormenthal will bother ourselves with you when you go down with a stomach ache." "o, you've come to?" "Let's go see the patients." "hut up." "An old patient." "Good afternoon, Professor." " Gracious me, I wouldn't have recognized you, my good man." " You are a magician, a wizard, Professor." " How have you been sleeping?" " Are we alone, Professor?" "Incredible." "Parole d'honeur, I haven't known anything like that for 25 years." "Believe it or not every night I dream of naked girls - hordes of them." "Take off your pants." "Oh, Professor, if only you had discovered a way of rejuvenating hair too!" "One thing at a time, my dear, one thing at a time." "Look here, you shouldn't overdo it, you know." "I don't." "Only as a sort of experiment, dear Professor." "Well, and what were the results?" "Oh!" "wear to God, I haven't known anything like that for 25 years." "The last time was in 1899 in Paris on the Rue de la Paix." "Excellent." "Everything is in great shape." "I admit, I never expected such results." "treams of blood and song galore..." "And to the one who's most enchanting..." "One, two, three." " You need not come for another check-up for two weeks." " Thank you." "The age is not filled in correctly." "It is probably between 54 and 55." "Heartbeat's muffled." " Do come in." " Good afternoon, Professor." " How old are you, madam?" " Oh, Professor..." "Professor, I swear that if you knew the agony I've been going through..!" " Your age, madam?" " Upon my honour..." "Well, I am 45." "Madam, there are people waiting." "Please don't waste my time." "You're not my only patient, you know." "I will tell you and you only as a luminary of science." " How old are you, madam?" " That is just awful. I am 51." "Take off your knickers." "This way." "It is such agony, Professor." "It is so appalling." "I am at a loss what to do." "Help me, Professor." "Not too moral a flat." "But what comfort." "What the hell can he want me for?" "Will he let me live here?" "What an eccentric." "He could get a pedigreed dog at the drop of a hat." "And what if I am good-looking?" "I must be lucky." "But that owl is trash." "Get dressed." "I swear, Professor, this boy Morits..." "He is my only passion." "He cheats at cards." "He is notorious throughout Moscow." "He can't resist a single disgusting little salesgirl." "But he is so devilishly young!" "I will implant the ovaries of a monkey into your body, madam." "What?" "Not a monkey, surely, Professor?" "Yes." "When is the operation?" "...from eville to Granada..." "in the still of the night..." "Monday." "You will go into the clinic in the morning, my assistant will prepare you." "No, I don't want to go into the hospital." "Can't you do it here, Professor?" "lmpossible." "You see, I operate at home only in extreme cases." "It will be too expensive." "500 roubles." " That is all right." " ettled." "Good bye, Professor." "is there anyone here besides the tenants?" " No." " Where is the Professor?" "Over there." " Have you come to see me?" " Don't worry, comrade." "We've come to see you, Professor, on a matter of business." "You, my good sirs, are most unwise to be going around without galoshes." "In the first place you'll catch cold." "In the second you've left dirty footprints all over my carpets and all my carpets are Persian." " ln the first place, we are not your good sirs. - ln the first place, are you a man or a woman?" " What difference does it make, comrade?" " l am a woman." "In that case you may keep your cap on." "As for you, dear sir, be so kind and take yours off." "Don't "dear sir" me." " We've come to see you Professor on a matter of business." " Who are we?" "We are the new House Management Committee of this block." "I am hvonder, her name is Viazemskaya." "Comrade Pestrukhin and comrade Zharovkin." " lt was you they settled into Fyodor Pavlovich abling's flat?" " Us." "Ah, God, this house is finished." "What's going to happen to the steam heating?" " Are you making fun of us, Professor?" " Far from it... o, what brings you here?" "Be brief, it's my dinner time." "We've come to see you Professor for the following reason." "We, the House Committee, have come to see you after a general meeting of the tenants of this block, at which the question of the reallocation of living space stood..." "Who stood on whom?" "Be so good as to express yourself more clearly." "The question of the reallocation of living space stood on the agenda." "Do you realize, that under the regulation of April twelfth 1924 my flat is exempt from any and every reallocation and resettlement?" "We know that." "But when the general meeting after due consideration of the question came to the conclusion that, by and large, you occupy too much space." " Far too much." " You live alone in seven rooms!" "I live and work in seven rooms." "And I should very much like an eighth." "I need a room for a library." " An eighth?" "That's cool." " Incredible." "Excuse me, Professor, but the general meeting of the tenants of this block requests you as a matter of labour discipline to give up your dining room voluntarily." " No one in Moscow has dining rooms." " Not even Isadora Duncan." "And also that you should give up the consulting room." "Your study can double perfectly well as a consulting room." " Quite so." " ls that right, comrades?" "Where am I supposed to partake of food?" "In the bedroom." "I expect that is what Isadora Duncan does." "Perhaps she dines in her study and dissects rabbits in her bathroom." "Perhaps." "But I am not Isadora Duncan." "I will dine in the dining room and operate in the operating theatre." "Pray inform the general meeting of this." "And meanwhile kindly allow me to take supper where all normal people do so." "And not in the hall and not in the nursery!" "In that case, Professor, in view of your stubborn resistance we shall complain about you to higher authorities." "Just a moment." "Please, wait a minute." "Put me through to Pyotr Alexandrovitch." "Professor Preobrazhensky." "Pyotr Alexandrovitch?" "I am glad I was able to reach you." "Thank you, I am well." "Pyotr Alexandrovitch, your operation is cancelled." "And so are all my other operations." "I am giving up my practice in Moscow and in Russia in general." "Four people have just come in to see me." "One of whom is a woman dressed as a man." "Two men are armed with revolvers." "They are terrorizing me!" "Pardon..." "Professor... I cannot work under such conditions and have no right to." "o l shall cease my activities, lock up my flat, and go to ochi." "I can leave the keys with hvonder." "Let him operate." "But on one condition." "I don't care who, where or what, ...provided it's the sort of paper that would keep hvonder or whoever from even approaching the door of my apartment!" "The ultimate in certificates." "Factual!" "Real!" "A true protection!" "I don't want my name even mentioned!" "As far as they are concerned, I am dead." "Hand the receiver to hvonder." "Would you mind, you're wanted on the telephone." "Hello." "Yes..." "I'm hvonder, the chairman of the House Management Committee." "Yes." "We were only acting according to the regulations..." "I understand." "The Professor has quite exceptional privileges anyway." "We know about his work." "We were going to leave him no less than five rooms..." "This is a disgrace." "If there were a discussion now I would prove to this Pyotr Alexandrovitch..." "Pardon me, do you wish to open a discussion right now?" "I can understand your irony, Professor." "We will leave now. till, as chairman of the cultural department of this house I..." " Chairwoman." " Chairwoman." "...I suggest that you buy some of these magazines sold for the benefit of the children of Germany." " Fifty kopecks a copy." " No. I will not." " But why not?" " l don't want to." " You have no sympathy for the children of Germany?" " l do have sympathy." " You grudge fifty kopecks?" " No." " Why then?" " l don't want them." "You know, Professor, if you were not a luminary known throughout Europe if you hadn't been interceded for by certain people in the most disgraceful way you should be arrested." " What for?" " You don't like the proletariat." " No, I don't like the proletariat." "Zina, dear, do please, serve the supper." "With your permission, ladies and gentlemen?" "Doctor Bormenthal, pray, leave the caviar alone, will you." "I'd like to give you a piece of sound advice, pour yourself some Russian vodka instead of the English vodka." " With the blessing of the state?" "How could you, my dear fellow." "Darya Petrovna prepares excellent homemade vodka herself." "I wouldn't say that, Philip Philipovich everybody says that the new vodka is quite good, 30 proof." "Vodka should be at least 40 proof, not 30, that's number one." "And number two, one can never tell what muck they put into it nowadays." " Can you tell me what may occur to them?" " Anything." "That's just what I think." "And now, Ivan Arnoldovitch, gulp this little bit at once." "And if you tell me you don't like it, you are my sworn enemy for life." "You don't like it?" "You don't?" "Answer me, dear Doctor." " lt's excellent. - l should think so." "Mind you, Ivan Arnoldovitch, that the only people, ...who take vodka with cold collations and soup are a few remaining landlords whom the bolshevicks didn't have time to murder." "Anybody with a spark of self-respect takes his hors d'oeuvres hot." "And of all the hot hors d'oeuvres in Moscow, this is the best one." "Once they used to do them magnificently in "laviansky Bazar"." "There, take it." "If you feed a dog at table, afterward you won't get him out of here for love or money." "I don't mind." "The poor thing's starved." "Food, Ivan Arnoldovich, is a subtle thing." "One must know how to eat." "And yet just think of it that most people don't know how to eat at all." "One must not only know what to eat, but when and how, and what to say while eating." "If you care about your digestion, my advice is:" "...don't talk about Bolshevism or medicine at table." "And, God forbid - never read oviet newspapers before dinner." " But there are no other newspapers." " o don't read any at all." "I once made thirty tests in my clinic." "And guess what?" "Those of my patients whom I forced to read "Pravda" lost weight." "And to top it off they had retarded knee reflexes, lost appetite and exhibited symptoms of general depression." "Yes." "The difficult years of fighting for the liberty of this country are gone." "The ones that follow them are also difficult." "Zina, my dear, what's that noise?" " They're having another general meeting." " What, again?" "Oh well, so it's started." "This is the end of this house." "Mow they'll get things rolling." "First of all, there'll be community singing every evening, then the pipes will freeze in the lavatories then the steam-heating pipes will blow up, and so on." "You paint too grim a picture, Philip Philipovich." "They're very different now." "And I won't mention the boiler, my dear..." "Let them!" "When there's a social revolution going on, one does without central heating." "But I ask you, why all this, when did it all start Why is everybody marching up and down the marble staircase in dirty galoshes and felt boots?" "Just listen to that!" "Why must we still keep galoshes under lock and key and put a soldier on guard over them to prevent them from being stolen?" "He could well be making money speaking at meetings." "A First rate speaker." "Why was the carpet removed from the main staircase?" "is it that Karl Marx forbids people to cover staircases with carpets?" "Did Karl Marx write somewhere, that the front door Number Two of the house on Prechistenka treet should be boarded up, so that people have to go around and come in by the back door?" "What good does it do to anybody?" "Why can't the proletariat leave his dirty galoshes downstairs instead of dirtying the marble?" " But the proletarians don't have any galoshes at all, Philip Philipovich." " Nothing of the sort." "They do have galoshes now and those galoshes are mine!" "The very same galoshes that disappeared in 1918." "o the question is who pinched them?" "Me?" "lmpossible." "abling the bourgeois?" "Polozov, the sugar manufacturer?" "On no account." "It was done by those songbirds up there." "Bu if only they would take them off when they go upstairs." "Why on earth did they have to remove flowers from the landings?" "Why does the electricity, which if I remember right only failed twice in the past twenty years now go out regularly twice a day?" " lt's Disruption, Philip Philipovich." " And what does this "disruption" of yours mean?" "An old woman with a broomstick?" "A witch who smashed all the windows and put out all the lights?" "No such thing." "What do you mean by that word?" "I'll tell you what it is:" "If instead of operating every evening I were to start singing in chorus in my apartment, I would get Disruption." "If when I go to the lavatory I don't pee, if you'll excuse the expression, into the bowl but on the floor instead and if Zina and Darya Petrovna do the same, there would be Disruption in he lavatory." "Disruption, therefore, does not happen in lavatories, but in people's heads." "o when those baritones start howling "Away with Disruption"." "Really, I laugh." "It means that every one of them should hit himself on the back of the head!" "And then when he has knocked all the hallucinations out and gets down to cleaning out the barns - which is his job in the first place all this Disruption will disappear of its own accord." "You can't serve two gods, dear doctor." "You can't sweep the dirt out of the streetcar tracks and settle the fate of some foreign beggars at the same time." "You sound like a counterrevolutionary, Philip Philipovich." "Nothing dangerous." "Nothing counterrevolutionary." "Incidentally, that's another word I simply can't stand." "What the devil is it supposed to mean, anyway?" "Nobody knows." "o, there's nothing counterrevolutionary in what I am saying." "It's full of sound sense and a lifetime of experience." "Merci." "Do you need me this evening, Philip Philipovich?" "No, thank you." "We won't do anything today." "For one thing, the rabbit is dead, and for another there's "Aida" at the Bolshoi tonight." "It's a long time since I heard it." "Do you remember that duo?" " l'll go in time for the second act." " How do you find time for everything, Philip Philipovich?" "One can find time for everything if one is never in a hurry." "I believe in the division of labour, Doctor." "Let them at the Bolshoi sing and I shall operate." "And that's right." "And there'd be no Disruption." "is you flank going to heal soon?" "And there's something else, Ivan Arnoldovich, be on the lookout, as soon as there is a suitable corpse take it straight from the table, place it into the nutritional fluid and bring it to me." "Don't worry, Philip Philipovich, the pathologists have promised me." "Professor, it will be an experiment unparalleled in the world." "No doubt." "Meanwhile, we'll examine this neurotic street Arab of ours." "oon we'll need you." "I am handsome." "Perhaps I'm a dog prince, living incognito." "I wouldn't be surprised if my grandmother had had an affair with a Labrador." "That explains the white patch on my snout." "I wonder how it got there?" "...from eville to Granada... in the still of the night..." "You can here the serenada..." "Oh you are like a devil!" "top it!" "Zina may be back any minute." "What's the matter with you - have you been rejuvenated too?" "I don't need rejuvenating!" "You're so passionate!" "Get out, get out!" "hameless bastard!" "I'll hit you with a log, don't you spy on us!" "I didn't clear it up on purpose so that you could take a good look." "You should rub his nose in the owl, so that he learns not to spoil things." "Why did you ruin the owl, you little bastard?" "Was the owl doing you any harm?" "Was it, now?" "Why did you smash the portrait of Professor Mechnikov?" "He needs at least one good hiding, Philip Philipovich, or he'll become completely spoiled." "Just look what he's done to your galoshes, Philip Philipovich." "Nobody must be beaten." "Never." "Remember that once and for all." "Animals and humans can only be dealt with by persuasion." "Have you given him his meat today?" "Lord, he's eaten everything there's in the house. I'm surprised he doesn't burst." "Let him eat. lt's good for him." " Did Doctor Bormenthal call?" "No murders today?" " No." "end the owl to the taxidermist today." "Now then, here's eight roubles, ...and another sixteen kopecks for the carfare." "Go over to Myur's and buy a good collar." "What harm did professor Mechnikov do to you?" "Little hoodlum." "Good boy." "There's a good dog." "Where are you going?" "Come to me." "Where are you going?" "Come to me." "Come, come." "A collar's just like a briefcase." "I have won the main dog's prize." "A knife wound in the heart?" "Excellent." "Bring it round at once, at once." "Zina!" "Tell Darya Petrovna to answer telephone calls and take notes." "No visitors." "Get dressed, I need you here." "The dead man" " Klim Grigorievich CHUGUNKlN, 25 years old, single, not a party member, sympathiser." "Brought before court three times and found not guilty the first time for lack of evidence the second time he was saved by his social origins, the third time given a suspended sentence of 15 years hard labour." "Thefts." "Profession:" "Plays the balalaika in pubs." "Enlarged liver (alcohol)." "Cause of death: struck in the heart with a knife in a pub." "Quiet, come, come with me." "Come on, harik?" "harik." "Come here, don't be afraid." "Zina, take off the collar, only don't excite him." "Doctor, the ether, quick." "May I leave now, Philip Philipovich?" "You may." "Well, doctor." "All in all we have nine and a half minutes." "God help us." "The knife." "cissors." "Give me the glands." "Put in the stitches, doctor, sew the skin this instant." "No one in Europe could equal you, by God, Professor." "Cut it out." "Turn him over." "Quicker." "Trepan." " The pulse is dropping." " injection." " into the heart?" " Why ask?" "He would have been dead five times on your hands." "Make the injection." " He is alive, but only just." " top musing: alive, not alive." "Give me the pituitary." "10 minutes." "He is dead of course?" " A thread of a pulse." " titch him up." "Zina, I want clean clothes and a bath." "I'll be damned!" "Just look at him, he is not dead yet." "All the same he'll die." "I feel sorry for the dog, he was good and affectionate although he had his little ways." "And so, Timofeeva, you want to christen your twins?" "I want to name them." "That's right, I propose the following names:" "Barricade, Bebelina, Festelina..." "No, no, no." "No." "Let's give them simple names:" "Clara and Rose." "In honour of Clara Zetkin and Rose Luxembourg, comrades." "The red thunderstorms are past" "We have won a victory." "Mop up the tears shed in battle" "With your sleeve." "Meet my colleagues." "Vasily Vasilievitch Bundarev, Professor specializing in skin diseases." "Nikolai Nikolaevitch Persikov, ...director of the Moscow Exemplary Veterinarian Institute..." " How do you do." "This way, please." "You may begin, Doctor." "I am at a loss." "By God, it's unbelievable." "tart reading." "On December the 23rd Prof. Preobrazhensky commenced the first operation of its kind to be performed in Europe." "Under chloroformic anaesthesia the dog's testicles and pituitary gland were removed... ..and replaced by implanted human testes and pituitary taken from a dead male." "Purpose of the operation: conduct an experiment to find out about the functional viability of the pituitary in a host organism and its role in rejuvenation." "Operation performed by:" "Prof. P.P. Preobrazhensky, Assisted by:" "Dr. l.A. Bormenthal." " Very interesting." "And the outcome?" " Yes, what are the results?" "The results are amazing." "There has been malting of hair on the forehead and along the sides of the torso." "The bark instead of 'aow-aow' now sounds more like a grown reminiscent of the sounds "ah" and "uh"." "But the most important point is the lengthening of the extremities and the replacement of claws with nails." "This way." "Doctor." "Gentlemen." "Very strange." "These symptoms appeared on the fourth day following the operation." " The nails grow at an incredible pace." " l've been watching it for two days now." "Congratulations, colleague." "Wells' characters are nothing compared to you." " Well, I thought it was all rubbish." " What use talking about Wells and minor matters." "Colleague, what you did was unheard of." "It's a revolution in medicine." "A triumph!" "I am very glad." "But still, colleagues:" "what is the diagnosis?" " uch cases are not described in literature. - l am at a loss." "No one has observed anything like that." "Let us keep watching." "Give him some herring." "A change in taste occurred yesterday." "People are saying Martians live here now." "To hell with Maritans." "Look, here it is in black and white in the paper of January the 7th:" "...rumours about Martians in Obukhov alley are spread by traders in ukharevka they will be severely punished." "is that clear?" " o what the hell are you doing here?" "God knows." "When I get my manuscript published I'll stress, that I couldn't have managed without you." "That doesn't matter." "All the same, thank you." "Catch him!" "Professor, he stood up!" " Just notice how quickly he is gaining weight. - 25 kilos." " He is eating twice the amount he ate before. - witch the phonograph on." "That's phenomenal." " Perhaps, he is hungry?" " Bring something, please." "Professor, we are witnessing a miracle." "Do you know what "abyrvalg" is?" "It's..." "GLAVRYBA, fishery, colleague, spelled in reverse order." "It's GLAVRYBA." "Doctor, ammonium chloride." "Professor, his tail fell off." "Humanity is likely to remember for a long time this inheritance... ..left by the time of military communism." "Let these glands living a life of their own be turned into special machines special factories for rejuvenating and improving living humans!" "Me too, I read Brokgauz and Efron." "I read two volumes." "You read and read, the words are not difficult." "Mechislav, Boguslav and I'll be damned if I can remember who is who." "Once you close the book, nothing is left!" "I do remember one name" " Mandrian." "What sort of Mandrian?" "There is no Mandrian in the book." "There on the left page were two Bronetskis." "One was mister Adrian, the other Marian." "And I have Mandrian." "And I have Mandrian." "No, no, no." "There'll be no reception today. I can't." "God knows what, 82 phone calls." "Everybody's crazy!" "Ivan Arnoldovitch, please." "Excuse me, I am a newspaper reporter." "Thank you." " Excuse me, Doctor... - l am sorry, but there'll be no reception today." " Professor..." " Professor will inform every one of the time of the appointment." "I am sorry, it absolutely impossible to do anything today, I am sorry, very sorry." "Kerosene stove." "American recognition." "Moscow tate Clothing tores." "Kerosene stove." "Pub." "A couple more." "Pub." "A couple more." "Pub." "A couple more." "Pub." "A couple more." "Moscow tate Clothing tores, Moscow tate Clothing tores." "Pub." "A couple more." "Bourgeois, bourgeois." "top pushing, bugger." "Get off the bus." "You son of a bitch." "top it." "Kerosene stove." "American recognition." "Moscow tate Clothing tores, Moscow tate Clothing tores, Moscow tate Clothing tores." "Kerosene stove." "Pub." "I must acknowledge my mistake." "Transplantation of the pituitary induces not rejuvenation but total humanization." "This does not, however, lessen the value of you stupendous fantastic discovery." "Moscow tate Clothing tores." "You son of a bitch." "Moscow tate Clothing tores." "Moscow tate Clothing tores..." "Yes, yes, Doctor, dear, Moscow tate Clothing tores." "Kerosene stove." "Ivan Arnoldovich, please do go and buy him a jacket and pants." "An amazing phenomenon." ""Recently a baby was born in Obukhov Alley who plays the violin"" ""lt was only thanks to the achievements of contemporary medicine that it could be born."" ""The photo shows Prof. P.P. Preobrazhensky, who performed the Kaesarian section on the mother."" " Caesarean." " Let it be Caesarean." " But it's doctor Bormenthal." " Let me see." "Take my word for it, on May the 4th 1925 the world will crash into a heavenly axis." " That's true, I tell you." "That's true." " My Goodness." "Catch him." "Damn you." " Put on the pants." " Just a minute." "Queue up, bastards, queue up!" " Give him some herring." " Queue up!" "Give a cigarette, you have got striped pants." "Don't spit on the floor." "Get lost, louse." "If ever again you let yourself insult me or the Doctor you'll be punished." "He understands, Philip Philipovich, he understands." "Every day his brain becomes more and more awake." "Professor, harik will develop into a very intellectually advanced personality." "You think so?" "Are you OK, Philip Philipovich?" "We have created such mess with this pituitary that the flat has become uninhabitable." "Ivan Arnoldovich, dear please move in with me for the time being, otherwise I can't handle him." "Come on, comrades." "Professor Preobrazhensky's marvellous experiment has unveiled one of the mysteries of the human brain." "The mysterious function of the pituitary has now been clarified!" "It determines human appearance." "A new field has been opened up to science, without the aid of any Faustian retorts a homunculus has been created." "The surgeon's scalpel has brought to life a new human being." "Prof. Preobrazhensky - you are a creator!" "Physically, he is a complete human being, weight about 108 lbs." "Below medium height." "Eats human food, has started smoking." "Plays musical instruments." "Here you are." "Philip Philipovich, that's enough, isn't it." "Eh, talk Moscow, speak Russia" "Oh, my tasty apple" "Here comes a girl with the white skin." "With the white skin in a precious fur-coat" "Give us something and you'll remain intact." "Oh my tasty apple" "Come here, bourgeois, I'll pluck your eye out." "I'll pluck one eye out but the other will remain" "For you, bastard, to see, before whom to bow." " Philip Philipovich, are you OK?" " Philip Philipovich!" "Professor!" "What a misfortune." "Pulse." "Pulse, check the pulse." "Ammonium chloride." "Open the windows, open the windows!" "is he still dancing?" "He is." ""There's no doubt that it is his illegitimate (as they used to say in rotten bourgeois society) son." "That's how the pseudo-learned members of our bourgeoisie prefer to have fun." "Everyone can well occupy seven rooms until the glittering sword of justice flashes over him like a red ray." "hvonder." "Damn it all." "The moo-oon is shining..." "shining bright..." "The moon is shining..." "I can't get rid of the damned tune!" "Zina, tell him it's five o'clock." "Tell him to shut up." "Yes." "And ask him to come here, please." "I believe I have already requested you twice not to sleep on the high bunk in the kitchen - particularly in the daytime." "The air is more agreeable in the kitchen." "What on earth is that repulsive object?" "I mean your tie." "What's repulsive about it?" "It's a smart tie." "Darya Petrovna gave it to me." "In that case, Darya Petrovna has given you an abomination, like those shoes of yours." "What sort of glittering trash are they?" "Am I worse than other people?" "Just take a walk down the Kuznetzky Most and you'll see everybody wearing patent-leather shoes." "leeping in the kitchen must stop." "Understand?" "There are women there." "Huh - women." "Fine ladies." "They're ordinary servants, but you'd think they were... commissars." "It's all that slut Zina - she's always griping about me." "Don't you dare to call Zina a slut!" "Understand?" "Understand?" "Yeah, I understand." "Now then." "Don't throw cigarette butts on the floor, don't spit, don't make a mess in the lavatory." "Do not ever talk to Zina any more." "he complains that you wait for her in dark corners." "And who told the patient:" "...'Devil alone knows'?" "Where d'you think you are, in some low dive?" "You sure being too hard on me, Dad." "What?" "!" "Don't you dare call me Dad!" "What impertinent familiarity?" "You will address me by my name and patronymic!" "Aw, why can't you lay off?" "Don't spit..." "Don't smoke..." "Don't go there... lt's just like the rules in a tram." "Why don't you let me live?" "And about my calling you Dad." "You are wrong here." "I didn't ask you to perform the operation, did I?" "A fine business - you go and grab hold of an animal, slice his head open, ...and now you're sick of him!" "I didn't give permission to operate on me, did I." "Neither did my relatives." "I guess I have the right to sue you." "o you object to having been turned into a human being, do you." "Maybe you'd prefer to be sniffing around garbage cans again?" "Or freezing under gateways?" "Why do you keep on at me?" "Garbage cans, garbage cans!" "Perhaps I was making my living there." "And what if I'd died under your knife?" "What d'you say to that, comrade?" "My name is Philip Philipovich." "I'm no comrade of yours!" "Oh sure, I know." "Of course, how else, we're not your comrades!" "How could we." "We understand, sir!" "We didn't go to universities." "We never had a flat of fifteen rooms and a bathroom." "Only now it is time to forget about all that." "At present everybody has his own rights." "Use your fingers to catch fleas!" "Use your fingers!" "I can't understand, where you get them from?" "You don't think I breed them on purpose, do you?" "I guess fleas just like me." "There is no time to weep" "When we leave the stirrup and take up the steel of labour." "There is one answer to every question" "And there is no other." "I need some papers, Philip Philipovich." "Papers?" "Damn." " May be..." "H'm..." "Perhaps we might..." " orry, no." "You know yourself, that a man without a document is strictly forbidden to exist." "To begin with, there's the House Committee..." " What has the House Committee got to do with it?" " What do you mean?" "Everything." "Every time I meet one of them they ask me when I'm going to get registered." "I can just imagine what you tell them." "I thought I told you not to loaf around the stairs!" "That sounds rather insulting." "Very insulting." "What am I - a convict?" "What do you mean - loaf!" "What does your precious House Committee say, then?" "There's no call to brand it 'precious'." "It protects people's interests." "Whose interests, may I ask?" "Everyone knows." "The working class element's." "Are you a worker then?" "That's obvious, I am not a capitalist." "o how does the House Committee propose to defend your revolutionary rights?" "Easy." "You ought to register me." "They say it is unheard of that a man should live in Moscow without registration." "That is for starters." "But the most important thing is to have a record card." "I don't want to be taken for a deserter." "And then again there's the Union, the Labour Exchange..." "And how, pray, am I supposed to register you?" "You have got neither name nor surname." "That is not fair." "I can very easily chose a name for myself." " l announce it in the newspapers and there you are." " What do you wish to be called?" "Poligraph Poligraphovich." "top playing the fool, I am serious." "I don't get it. I mustn't swear." "I mustn't spit." "Yet all I ever hear from you is 'Fool, fool'." "I guess that in the RFR swearing must be for professors only." "I beg your pardon." "Your name struck me as a little odd." "Where, as a matter of interest, did you dig it up?" "The House Committee helped me." "We looked it up in the calendar." "They said: 'What do you fancy', so I chose that one." "Zina, bring me the calendar from the consulting room." "There could not possibly be anything of the sort in any calendar." "Now you do surprise me, considering it is hanging in your consulting room." " Here you are." " Where is it?" "Just here." "His day is celebrated on March the fourth." "Yes, there it is..." "into the stove with it." "This moment." "And may I ask what surname you will take?" "urname?" "I don't object to my hereditary surname." "Meaning?" "harikov." "...As comrade Trotsky writes in his numerous works... the building of socialist society is quite ensured internationally." "In the capitalist world class and economic contradictions shall steadily increase." "Remember it once and for all." "Class struggle between the proletariat and the bourgeoisie..." "What should I write?" "Nothing difficult." "Write a certificate, citizen Professor." "You know the sort of thing This is to certify that the bearer is really Poligraph Poligraphovich harikov." "Who was born in this flat." "Goddammit, I've never heard anything so idiotic in my life." "He wasn't born at all, he simply..." "well, he sort of..." "That's your problem. lt's up to you to decide whether he was born or not." "All in all you were conducting an experiment, Professor." " And you are the creator of citizen harikov." " As simple as that." "Kindly keep out of the conversation." "You have no grounds for saying lt was simple..." "It's very far from simple." "Why should I keep out of the conversation." "I'm sorry, Professor, but Citizen harikov is absolutely right." " He has the right to take part in the discussion of his own future." " Well, all right." "The bearer is a human being created in the course of a laboratory experiment... by means of an operation on the brain." "He requires identity papers." "Dammit!" "I object in principle to obtaining these idiotic documents." "igned: 'Professor Preobrazhensky." "Rather curious, Professor, that you should call documents idiotic?" "I can't allow an undocumented tenant to go on living in this house." "...especially the one who hasn't been registered with the militia for military service." " upposing war suddenly breaks out with imperialist predators?" " l'm not going to war." "You are completely lacking in Political consciousness, Citizen harikov." " You must register for military service." " l'll register all right, but I'll be damned if I'm going to fight." "I was severely wounded during the operation." "Look - they cut me right open." "Are you an anarchist-individualist?" " l ought to be exempt on medical grounds." " Well, that's not the point." "Meanwhile, we'll send the Professor's certificate to the militia and you will get your document." "Do you happen to have a spare room in the house?" "I'd be prepared to pay for it." "No, Professor, I deeply regret we don't." "And aren't likely to have any." "I swear, Doctor, that I'm more exhausted following the past fortnight than from the past fourteen years!" " top, thief!" " Let it go." "A cat!" "I'll strangle the bastard!" "op!" "How many times have I ordered there should be no cats." "Where is it now?" "There he is, in the bathroom, the devil." "Ivan Arnoldovich, please reassure the patients." "Open up this instant!" " l'll get you!" " There it is." "The cat's here." "Come out at once!" "Why have you locked yourself in?" "What on earth..." "I can't hear a thing - turn the water off." " Turn the water off!" " Turn the water off, you idiot!" " What's he done?" "I don't understand." " There he is." "Have you gone out of your mind?" "Why don't you come out of there?" " l've locked myself in." " Unlock the door then." " Haven't you ever seen a lock before?" " The goddamned thing won't open!" " There's a small button on the lock." " A small button." " Press it downward." " Down." "Press it down!" "Down." "I can't see my paw before my face!" " Well turn the light on, then!" "He's gone crazy!" " A dog." "That goddamned cat smashed the bulb and when I tried to catch the bastard by the legs, I wrenched out the tap, and now I can't find it!" "Oh Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on us." "What do you want?" "I've come from Pskov, a pilgrim." "I've come to see the talking dog." " Out, out of the kitchen." " he's from Pskov..." "Get out." "Darya Petrovna, I've asked you before..." "But Philip Philipovich, People keep coming in all day long!" " Quick, Fyodor!" " Just a moment, I'll get the lamp." " Fyodor, quick!" " Coming, coming." "Fyodor, what is it?" "Philip Philipovich, we'll have to open the door." "We must let the water run out." "We can mop it up from the kitchen." "Open it, then!" "Dear God." " l only just managed to get the tap back in." "The pressure is so strong." " Where is he?" "Over there." "He's afraid to come out." "Will you beat me, Dad?" "Idiot." "What d'you think you're doing, you fool, spreading it all over the flat!" "Pour it into the bowl." "The bowl is no use, the water's running out the front door." "Oh what a fool." "There will be no reception today." "There' an emergency, we have a burst pipe..." "No, no, it can't be done today." "No way." "Zina, Zina, mop up here!" "The water will start running down the front stairs any minute now." "Hurry up." " l'll do it." " l'll scoop it up with jugs." "Yes, all right..." "Nothing can be done today." "No, tomorrow, some other day." "Ivan Arnoldovich come into the bedroom." "I'll give you a pair of my shoes." "Don't bother, Philip Philipovich, I'm all right." "Oh God." " Then put on the galoshes. - lt doesn't matter." "My feet are wet anyway..." "Oh dear me." " What a nasty animal!" " Whom are you talking about, may I inquire?" "I am talking about the cat." "Filthy swine." "I swear I have never seen a more brazen creature than you." "Hhow much longer are you going to chase cats?" "You're a barbarian." "I am no barbarian?" "Not in the least." "I won't stand that brute in this flat!" "It stole Darya's mincemeat." "I wanted to teach it a lesson." "It's you who needs a lesson!" "Just take a look at your face in the mirror." "Nearly scratched my eyes out." "The slut." "Philip Philipovich. I'm sorry, I wouldn't like to mention it but the windowpane in Number even..." "Citizen harikov threw stones at it." " You mean at a cat?" " Not quite, he was throwing them at the owner of the flat." "harikov was cuddling their cook, and they chased him out They had a fight." " How much?" " One and a half." "Fancy paying one and a half roubles for such a filthy swine." "He himself..." "Don't you dare!" "Please, Philip Philipovich, don't upset yourself." "Where d'you think you are?" "In a pub?" "top that at once!" "That's it, serves him right." "A clip over the ear's what he needs!" " No, not that, Fyodor." " l am sorry for you, Philip Philipovich." "The spirit of the emperor, do tell us will the Bolsheviks remain in power for a long time?" "Quiet, gentlemen, that's interesting." "No, no, no!" "You must tuck in your napkin." "Why the hell should I." "I shan't allow you to eat until you tuck on your napkin." " Zina, take the plate away from harikov." " Hey, how do you mean take away?" "And use a fork please." "Thank you, Doctor. I sick and tired of reprimanding him." " l'll have some vodka." " Don't you think you've had enough?" " Do you grudge it?" " You, harikov, are talking nonsense." "The most revolting thing is that you talk with such confidence and assuredness." "I don't grudge you the vodka of course, all the more so since it's not mine but belongs to Philip Philipovich." "It's simply that it's bad for you." "That's number one." "And number two: you can't behave yourself even without vodka." "It isn't done that way." "You should first offer it to Philip Philipovich, then to me, then pour yourself a glass." "You always act just as if you were on parade here." "Put your napkin here, place your tie there and "excuse me" and "please-merci"." "Why can't you behave naturally?" "You torment yourselves as though you were still under the tsar." "What do you mean by "natural" may I ask?" "I wish you all..." " The same to you." " An old habit!" "There's nothing we can do about it" " Klim Chugunkin." " Do you think so, Philip Philipovich?" " No need to think, it is clear as it is." "I'll have some more vodka." "Well now, what are you and I going to do this evening?" "Let's go to the circus." "I like it best of all." "If I were you I'd go to the theatre at least once." "I won't go to the theatre." "Belching at table spoils other people's appetites." "Incidentally, why don't you like the theatre?" "Hell, it's just crap... talk, talk." "Pure counterrevolution." " You should do some reading, otherwise you know... - ure, I am reading already..." "Zina, take the vodka away, baby." "What have you been reading?" "Robinson Crusoe?" "That what do you call it... correspondence between Engels and... hell, ...What's the blighter's name?" ".." "Oh" " Kautsky." "I'd be interested to know what comment you can make on what you've read?" " l don't agree." " With whom" " Engels or Kautsky?" " With either of 'em." " That is most remarkable, by God." "Well, what would you suggest for your part?" "Why suggest?" "They just keep writing... ome congress and some Germans..." "Makes my head reel!" "Take everything and divide it equally." "Just as I thought, just what I expected." " Do you know how it is to be done?" " How to do it?" "That's plain enough." "What do you think?" "Here's one guy who spreads himself out in seven rooms and has forty pairs of pants, ...and there's another who hangs around garbage cans looking for something to eat." "I suppose that remark about the seven rooms is a hint at me?" "All right, I've nothing against a fair division." "How many patients did you turn away yesterday, Doctor?" " Thirty-nine." " H'm... three hundred and ninety roubles." "Your share is a hundred and thirty roubles." "Kindly hand it over." "Hey, wait a minute!" "What's that for?" " l mean for the cat and the tap!" " Philip Philipovich." "For the intolerable chaos you created yesterday and because of which I had to cancel my reception!" "A man goes leaping about the house like a savage ripping off taps!" "Who killed Madame Polasukher's cat?" "Who?" "The day before yesterday you, harikov, bit a lady on the stairs." "But she slapped me across the muzzle!" "My muzzle isn't public property!" "Because you had pinched her bosom!" "You stand..." "You stand on the lowest rung of evolution." "You are still in the formative stage You are intellectually weak as yet." "All your actions are purely animal." "Yet you allow yourself in the presence of two university-educated men to offer advice on a cosmic scale and of equally cosmic stupidity, about how everything should be divided up!" " And at the same time you eat toothpaste." " That was the day before yesterday." "And mind you, you've got to keep quiet and listen keep quiet and listen, to what you are told!" "You've got to learn and try to become at least a marginally acceptable member of society." "By the way, who was the scoundrel who lent you that book?" "Everybody is a scoundrel to you." "Well, hvonder gave it to me. o what?" "It was so I could get educated." "I can see which way your education is going after reading Kautsky." "Zina!" " Zina!" " Zina!" "There in the reception room..." "is it in the reception room?" " lt is." "Green, the colour of vitriol." " Yes." "There is a green book." "Now he is going to burn it. lt is public property, it's from the library!" "It's called Correspondence between, er, Engels and that other devil what's his name..." "Throw it into the stove!" "Upon my word, I'd hang that hvonder from the first tree." "This poisonous fellow sits in this house like a boil." "To say nothing of his idiotic ravings in the newspapers..." "Oh Doctor, for Goodness sake, go to the circus with him tonight." "Only do check the program and make sure there are no cats." "I don't know how they let such filthy beasts into the circus at all." "Well, never mind what filthy beasts they let into the circus." "What's on tonight?" "Elephants and the Ultimate in Human Dexterity." "What do you say to the elephants, my dear harikov?" "I am not a fool." "Cats are a special case." "Elephants are useful animals." "Excellent." "Go and watch them." "I beg you, Ivan Arnoldovich, not to offer harikov beer to drink." "Gentlemen!" "I have the honour of introducing to you a famous fortune-teller mademoiselle Jeanna from Paris and icily!" "Mademoiselle can tell you about your past, present and future!" "As well as your family secrets." "Make an enigmatic face, you idiot." "Mademoiselle Jeanna!" "You shouldn't think, though, that it all has something to do with witchcraft or miracle." "Nothing of the kind!" "There are no miracles as we all know." "And Professor Preobrazhensky has once again proved it." "Everything is determined by the forces of nature and the permission of the local committee and the educational committee." "This is vitallopatia!" "It is based on the teachings of Indian yogis repressed by British colonialism." "I welcome you questions, comrades." "What is the main event of my life?" "Ahead." "The main event in your life is still ahead of you." "By God I'll do it." "Damn." "The difficult years of fighting for the liberty of this country are gone." "The ones that follow them are also difficult." "Bastard." "Bormenthal!" "Bormenthal!" "Kindly address me by my name and patronymic." "Then call me by my name and patronymic, too." "No, I won't have you addressed by such a name in my flat." "If you like, Doctor Bormenthal and I will call you Monsieur harikov." "I'm not a 'monsieur'- all the 'monsieurs' are in Paris." "I see hvonder's been at work on you." "All right, I'll place an advertisement in the papers today and, believe me, I'll find you a room." "I am no fool to move away from here." " What?" "!" " Don't be so impertinent, Monsieur harikov!" "There. I'm now a member of this residential associate don and the tenant in charge of flat Number Two, Preobrazhensky, has got to give me thirty-seven square feet of space." "Be so kind." "I'll shoot that hvonder one of these days." " Philip Philipovich..." " To hell with caution." "Mind you, lf you commit one more piece of impudence I shall deprive you of your dinner - in fact, of all food in this house." "Thirty-seven square feet may be all very well, but there's nothing on that stinking little bit of paper which says that I have to feed you!" "I can't do without food." "Where would I eat?" "Then behave yourself!" "Eh, talk Moscow, speak Russia!" "Come on, boys, come on!" "What's wrong?" "Ah, fuck you, Professor!" "Come on, have a drink with us." "Who are they?" "They?" "They are good guys." "They'll stay for the night with me." "Ivan Arnoldovich, call the 45th police department." "Be so kind." "Get out." "Bormenthal himself should be turned in to the 45th department." "He lives here without registration." "Who stole 20 roubles?" "I didn't take them." "Who then?" "Who else, if not you?" "I'm not alone in the apartment." "Maybe Zina took it?" "Me?" "!" "Calm down, Zina." "Take him to the bathroom." "Philip Philipovich, I shall never forget how as a half-starved student came to you and you how you gave me a place at the faculty." "Believe me, Philip Philipovich, you are much more to me than a professor, a teacher." "Thank you." "I'm afraid I sometimes bawl at you during operations..." "You must forgive an old man 's testiness." "The fact is, I'm really so lonely." "From eville to Granada..." "Philip Philipovich, naturally, it's not for me to offer you advice..." "But look at yourself, you're completely worn out, you can't go on working like that." " Absolutely impossible." " o." "But I am deeply convinced that there is no other solution than to put an end to him." "No, no, no, don't tempt me, don't even mention it, I won't hear of it!" "Don't you realize what would happen if they found us out?" "Because of our 'social origins' you and I won't have any chance of going to Paris, despite the fact that we should be first offenders." "I don't suppose you have suitable 'origins', do you?" "What the hell!" "My father was a court investigator in Vilno." "There you are." "There's your bad blood." "You couldn't have come from a more unsuitable background." "till, mine is even worse." "My father was dean of a cathedral." "My mother..." "From eville to Granada..." "in the still of the night..." "Damn it all." "Philip Philipovich, you are a world-famous scientist." "And just because of some - forgive the expression - son of a bitch urely they can't touch you, believe me!" " All the more so, I refuse to do it." " But why not?" " Because you are not world-famous." " Far from it." "o. I will never let a colleague down in a calamity and myself shelter behind my world-wide reputation." "That's something I won't do." "I'm a Moscow University alumnus, not a harikov." "Are you just going to wait until that hoodlum turns into a human being?" "Ivan Arnoldovich, do you think I understand a little bit about the anatomy and physiology?" "Philip Philipovich - what a question!" "Now listen to me, Professor-to-be Bormenthal No one will ever manage to turn him into a human being." "And don't ask me." "I spent five years doing nothing but extracting cerebral appendages." "You know bow much work I did on the subject - an unbelievable amount!" "And now comes the crucial question - what for?" "o that one fine day a charming dog should be transformed into a specimen so revolting that he makes one's hair stand on end?" " omething extraordinary." " l quite agree with you..." "This, Doctor, is what happens when a researcher, instead of keeping in step with nature, ...tries to force the pace and lift the veil." "The result is a harikov." "We have made our bed and now we must lie in it!" "upposing the brain had been pinoza's, Philip Philipovich?" "But what in heaven's name for?" "Will you kindly explain that to me?" "Will you kindly tell me why one has to manufacture an artificial human being, when any woman can give birth to a real one any day of the week." " Philip Philipovich..." "No, don't argue, Ivan Arnoldovich, please." "Theoretically, the experiment was interesting." "The physiologists will be delighted." "Moscow has gone mad." "But what have we got in practice?" "Who is this creature?" "Who?" " An unmitigated scoundrel." " Yes, but who is he?" "Klim." "Klim Chugunkin." "Twice sentenced, an alcoholic, "take and divide everything up", ...hoodlum and swine." "Yes." "I was concerned with something quite different." "With eugenics, with the improvement of the human nature." "And what have I got?" "You don't think I do these rejuvenation operations because of the money, do you?" " l am still a scientist." " And a great one, that's what I tell you." "Yes, Doctor, this case is absolutely hopeless." "Okay, then, Professor." "If you don't want to do it yourself, I will take the risk of feeding him a dose of arsenic." "I don't care if my father was a court investigator." "No, absolutely not." "I won't let you do it." "I'm sixty - and have the right to give you advice." "Never commit a crime no matter against whom." "Keep your hands clean until old age." "For God's sake, Philip Philipovich if that damned hvonder sets to work at him, what is going to become of him?" "I'm only just beginning to realize what may become of our harikov, by God." "Aha, so you realize now, do you?" "Well, I realized it ten days after the operation." "Now then, that hvonder is the greatest fool!" "Right now he's doing all he can to turn harikov against me not realizing that if someone were in his turn to set harikov against hvonder himself there'll soon be nothing left of hvonder but the bones and the beak." "Just think of the way he goes about cats." "A man with the heart of a dog." "Oh, no, don't insult the dog..." "I assure you that his reaction to cats is purely temporary." "The whole horror is that he now has a human heart, not a dog's heart." "And about the rottenest heart in all creation!" " l shall kill him." " Help!" " What is it?" " Mommy!" "Help!" " What are you doing, bastard?" " Darya, let go." "Just look at our precious visitor Telegraph Telegraphovich, Professor!" "I've been married, I don't care." "But Zina's an innocent girl... lt was a good thing I woke up!" "Darya Petrovna, please forgive us." "Darya, we are young." "Doctor!" "I forbid you!" " Doctor!" " You haven't any right to fight." "Ok." "OK." "Just wait till morning." "Bormenthal, let go!" "Where are you taking me?" "I can walk myself." " l'll fix a little show for him when he sobers up." " Philipovich, you tell him." "I warn you Egorovna, if you go on burning parquet in the stove I'll move you all out." "That's it." "Yes?" "Excuse me, do you happen to know where monsieur harikov is at the moment?" "is he not at home?" "He's gone." "What a fool I am not to have locked the door!" "Look for him yourself." "I'm not his guardian, am I?" "All the more so because your harikov is a scoundrel." "Yesterday in the office of the house committee he took 7 roubles to buy textbooks." "The dog!" "I can well imagine what is going on out there. I can imagine." "He stole three bottles of ash berry vodka and borrowed three and a half roubles from me." "You deserved it." "You well knew what sort of a guy he was." "ure I did." "No need to bring stray dogs into the flat." "We must inform the militia at once." " l, Philip Philipovich, have taken up an official post." " Give me the paper." "The presenter of this Polygraph Plygraphovich harikov is truly employed as head of the sub-department for the control of stray animals (cats etc.) in Moscow." "o, who got you the job?" "But I suppose I can guess." "Yes of course, hvonder." "Forgive my asking, but why are you giving off such a revolting smell?" "Well, it does smell - that's because of my job." "I spent all yesterday strangling cats, cats, cats." "trangling, strangling, strangling." " Help!" " Ivan Arnoldovich." "Don't worry, Philip Philipovich, I shan't do anything violent." "Zina and Darya Petrovna!" "Repeat after me:" "Forgive me Darya Petrovna and Zinaida..." " Zinaida..?" " Prokofievna." "...Prokofievna, for my disgusting prank the other night in a state of intoxication." " This will never happen again!" " Never." " Let him go, you'll strangle him." " Let him go, Ivan Arnoldovich." "Now mind the following." "You've come back to Philip Philipovich's flat." " Have you?" " Where else can I go?" "Very well." "You will be as good as gold and as quiet as a mouse." "Otherwise, you will have to reckon with me each time you misbehave." "Got it?" "Yes." "What do you do with them..." "the dead cats?" "They'll make overcoats of them." "They'll make squirrels out of them and sell them to workers on credit." "Come in." "Don't be shy." "What are you waiting for, come in." "Take off your coat." " Who is this?" " Me and her's getting married." "he's our typist. he's coming to live with me." "Bormenthal will have to be moved out of the reception room." "He's got a flat of his own." "May I ask you to step into my study for a moment?" " l'm coming with her." " l beg your pardon." "The Professor wants to talk to the lady, and you and I are going to stay here." " l won't!" " No, I'm sorry." "He told me he'd been wounded in battle." "He's lying." "I'm genuinely sorry for you, but you know you should not go off with the first man you meet just because he has a steady job." "Baby, it's scandalous." "Nothing but salt beef every day in the canteen." "He threatened me, he said he was a Red Army officer." "He promised to take me to live in a luxurious flat." "Pineapples every day." "ays he's kind-hearted, really he only hates cats." "He took my ring as a keepsake." "I'll poison myself!" "Well, well, well." "You just have to bear the pain a little while." "You're still so young." "harikov!" "Kindly take the trouble to explain to this lady where you got that scar on your forehead." " l was wounded at the front fighting against Kolchak. - top it!" "Just a minute - the ring, please." "I'll get you." "You'll remember me." "Tomorrow I'll arrange for some reductions of the office staff!" "Don't be afraid of him!" "I won't let him do you any harm!" " What's her surname?" "urname?" " Vasnetsova." "Every day I shall personally make inquiries at the City anitation Department, if citizen Vasnetsova has been sacked!" "And if I find out that she has, I will shoot you down with my own hands!" "I know where to lay hands on revolvers myself." "Beware!" "Don't stop the engine." "You look right, you look left." "Let's go." "You stay here, you - here." "Watch carefully." "Catch him!" "Catch him, catch!" " Well, Polygraph, you seem to know where they are hiding." " l can feel them with my heart." "Get in." "Let's go quick." "Be careful not to let it slip by." "Have your pains come back?" "No, Professor, I'm very grateful to you." "I've come, hm, about another matter, Philip Philipovich." ""also threatening to kill of the House Committee chairman, Comrade hvonder"" ""which makes it clear that he keeps firearms and makes counterrevolutionary speeches has even ordered his domestic worker, Zinaida Prokofievna Bunina..." "..to burn Engels..." "Engels..." "in the stove like a true Menshevik together with his assistant Ivan Arnoldovich Bormenthal who is living secretly in his flat without being registered." "The signature of the head of the City anitation Department harikov is valid." "...House Committee chairman hvonder." "ecretary:" "Pestrukhin." "It's lucky that they reported directly to me." "May I keep this?" "Or perhaps you need it so that legal proceedings can be started?" "Forgive me, Professor, but you seem to regard us with too much contempt." " l..." " Please forgive me, my dear fellow." "I really didn't mean to offend you." "Please don't take offence." "He tired me out." "You must be here tomorrow morning." "Good evening, Polygraph Polygraphovich." "erve dinner in the dining room." "harikov, come into the study." "What do you want?" "Go and collect your things at once - pants, coat, everything you need - then get out of this flat!" " What is this!" "?" " Get out of this flat - today." "What is this after all!" "You think I can't find a way to deal with you?" "I've a right to thirty-seven square feet and I'm staying right here!" " Get out of this flat." " Like hell I will!" "Keep away, Bormenthal." "Doctor Bormenthal!" "Doctor Bormenthal!" "Doctor, what are you doing?" ".." "Doctor Bormenthal!" "Doctor Bormenthal!" "Give me the key to the front door." "The Professor says you mustn't leave the apartment." "It's not because we don't trust you, but should anybody come you might not be able to keep them out, and we mustn't be disturbed." "We're busy." "It's not because they don't trust us." "They mustn't be disturbed." "They are busy." "Where's the chief of the pest control department?" " And who the hell are you?" " l am chairman of the house management committee hvonder." "God knows where you chief of the pest control is. lt's now the third day that we are waiting for him." "Well then." "Who are you?" "Criminal Police and investigator." "Open up, please." "Where is the Professor's room?" "What is it that you desire gentlemen?" "We have a warrant to search your flat and arrest you, depending on the results of the search." "What, may I ask, is the charge, and who is being charged?" "Professor Preobrazhensky, Bormenthal Zinaida Bunina, and Darya lvanova are charged with the murder of Poligraph Poligraphovich harikov, ubdepartment Head of the Pest Control." "I don't understand." "What harikov do you have in mind?" "Oh, you mean that dog of mine... the one I operated on?" "Not your dog." "This happened when he was a man." "That's the trouble." "You mean he talked?" "That doesn't necessarily imply being human." "Anyhow, it's irrelevant." "harik still exists." " No one ever killed him." " ln that case, you must produce him." "It's ten days now since he disappeared, and the evidence, I am sorry to say, is most disquieting." "Doctor Bormenthal, will you please produce harik for the detective to see." " But how then, did he work for Pest Control?" " l didn't send him to the job." "It was Monsieur hvonder who recommended him, if I'm not mistaken." " ls that him?" " That's him." "Only the villain has gone all hairy again." " But he talked!" " He still talks, though less and less." "Now is the time to hear him speak." "cience has not yet found the means of turning animals into people." "As you see, I tried, he talked, and then he began to revert to his primitive state." " An atavism." " Atavism?" "A..." "Don't swear at me!" " Give him valerian." "He's fainted." " Did you see it?" "He sent his dog at me." "I shall personally throw hvonder downstairs if he ever turns up in Professor Preobrazhensky's flat again." "Please enter that remark in the report." "Did you here?" "Did you?" "I request that those words be recorded in the protocol." "That's our lot," "We are back from the field and the enemy class is celebrating everywhere." "Tell me, Uncle, for the sake of the people" "No enemy will escape our punishment." "The hoofs are knocking" "The machine-gun is sounding." "The White guard is all beaten up" "No one will ever overpower the Red army!" "The White guard is all beaten up" "From eville to Granada..." "in the still of the night..." "You can here the serenada and the clash of steel so bright." "treams of blood and song galore... I've been very, very lucky - lncredibly lucky." "Now I'm really settled in this flat." "Though I'm absolutely sure there's something fishy about my pedigree." "A Labrador is sure to have something to do with it." "he was just a tart, my old grandmother, God rest her soul." "ure, they cut my head up a bit for some reason, but who cares." "That's all right." "None of my business, really."