"Any similarities between certain characters in this book and real people is due entirely to insight into human nature." Gunther Strobbe" "I was an author, even if that sounds ridiculous for an author." "I was the author of an unnoticed collection of poems published in the year blankety-blank by a crummy publisher." "As a result, I wasn't, in fact, an author at all." "From the publishers to which I'd sent the manuscript of my latest masterpiece, all I received were standard letters of rejection." "What did they know?" "I had to write and I'd keep on writing until I became an author." "My day would come." "It had to come." "THE MlSFORTUNATES" "I lived in a strange place." "For God's sake, Dad!" "Sorry, son." "A godforsaken hole where, once a year, real men shaved their legs, dressed as women and then partied for three days and three nights." "There you are." "Write those lines nicely, son." "I was forced to forego the annual purification ritual until I was able to call myself a real man." "Or rather, was able to call myself a real Strobbe." "You're not taking our telly away?" " I don't have to take it away if you pay me what you owe, on the spot." "Can you do that?" "Beefcake couldn't." "And none of his brothers could help him." "My dad Celle couldn't, nor Uncle Petrol nor Uncle Koen." "Unfortunately!" "I was thirteen and was irrevocably destined to become like them." "I, too, as a young member of the Strobbe tribe, would defend my name with honour." "It's not even my telly, it's our mother's." "That's as may be, but you're domiciled here so this is where we have to come." "D'you see?" "That's the law." " Take a look at my mother for a moment." "Because all four brothers had messed up their lives, they'd moved back in with their mother." "A woman who was one in a million and whose heart was bigger than her pension." "Hi, ma." "A Pieta with four big, goofy sons." "Each evening she fell asleep in front of her TV, watching some soap or other." "Would you take her only pleasure away?" "Dad, my bike is buggered." " Sir, I regret to have to say this but in order to become a bailiff you have to be an enormous bastard!" "Or you'd never be able to do your job!" "The bailiff's visit was thanks to Beefcake's gambling." "He'd rather naively thought that slot machines had been designed by altruists." "Calling Beefcake a born loser may be going too far." "On the other hand..." "He'd never win a single bet, contest or game." "Never ever." "Fuck, pal!" "Uncle Koen was lucky when it came to gambling but was unlucky in love." "His sad expression and innate melancholy made women want to mother him." "And because he'd got most of his conquests pregnant, he spent a fortune on maintenance payments." "For him too there was no pleasanter place of refuge than the parental home." "Hey, Ma, what are you up to?" " I can't give him a dirty telly." "Fuckin' hell!" "This prick's ransacking our home and you..." "Houses with five bedrooms were reserved for children of a greater god." "And so I shared a room with Uncle Petrol." "With only eight years between us, he could have been my brother." "Here's your ketchup, you deep-fried bag of grease!" "Nothing pleased me more than when that gentle gangster called me 'kid brother'." "There." "Here." "Take that." "Take that one too." "What?" "It's still a good chair." "Lowie is a bit of a hothead, sir." "Take whatever you like." "The less we've got, the better." "It's true, isn't it, Beefcake?" "Hey, bailiff, possessions possess you." "And not the other way round." "You can have that advice for free." "For my father, possessions just meant extra dusting." "Now none of us have got anything any more." "No wife and no other furniture!" "His entire postman's salary was blown every week in the local bars." "Give us another drop, Agnes." "This was his way of protecting us from the temptations of capitalism." "What's up with you?" " My bike's buggered." "Use your feet." "Run." " To school?" "Are you mad?" "It's 5 km." "A real man runs." "I've done a lot of running in my life." "I've won competitions." "I even won a gas cooker for your mum." "Your mum was really pleased." "Fuck." "For God's sake, pal." " Fuck." "Look at the two of us in this photo." "Don't we look happy?" "Why can't you two get back together?" "It's not that simple." " You could give it a go." "Yeah." "Yeah." "That's a good one." "Gunther, go and get me some loo roll." " I've gotta go." "Hey, the loo roll's all gone." "Ma, go and get me some loo roll." "Ma!" "Oh, Strobbe!" "If you don't learn to be on time, you'll end up picking up shit behind a train." "Five pages by tomorrow." "What about, sir?" " What about, sir?" "About true colours, in four different shades!" "And now, out!" "Well, Strobbe, been thrown out again?" "This is Franky De..." "Dewulf?" "A new pupil." "D'you have a place for him?" "I've heard... that your father has quite a few problems." "That he likes a drink." " People say a lot of things." "Isn't it true, then?" " No." "Growing up in those conditions and that environment isn't healthy." "Wouldn't you be better off boarding during the week?" "So you can do your homework." "And you can go home at the weekend." "Don't you think that'd be better?" " No." "Right, you can go." "Bye." " Bye." "Oops..." "The TV was gone." "Everyone agreed this was Beefcake's fault." "So he'd been instructed to come up with a solution." "Hi." " Hi." "Welcome." " Petrol, Gunther, Celle, Koen." "The Strobbes." " My name's Siawash." "Sia-what?" " Siawash." "Like "car wash"?" " This is my wife, Mehri." "Oh, thank you." " Hello." "You... know..." "Roy Orbison?" "Uh, no." "Is he from Belgium?" " Roy Orbison." "An American singer." "From Texas." "He's Texan." " A singer from America." "Uh, Only the Lonely." "His biggest hit." " Don't you know it?" "Roy Orbison... tonight... for the first time... singing again." "Can we watch it on your telly, pal?" "We can?" "That's brilliant." "Hello, little lady." "No, don't trouble yourself, we'll drink out of the bottle." "That's typically Belgian, drinking out of the bottle." "This is typical too." "Watch." "Right then, bon appétit." "To Iraq." " Iran." "We're from Iran." "That too." " To Belgium." "To Roy Orbison." "My dad had compared the Strobbes' timelines to that of our Texan idol." "He saw nothing but parallels between Roy Orbison's life and that of the Strobbes." "The singer's high points coincided with our family's pinnacles and we also plumbed life's depths at the same time." "So Roy's comeback had to mean a turning-point for us too." "His resurrection was our resurrection." "Fantastic!" "Fantastic!" "Oh, we're gonna have a dance." "Are we gonna have a dance?" "Eh?" "Shall we have a dance?" "Shall we have a dance?" "We could feel it." "Roy's return had upended history." "We had no choice but to prepare for a period of intense happiness." "No, no." "Gunther, no." "No, son, no." "The shopping!" " Give here." "No." "Oh, gherkins!" " The shopping!" "That's for a new bike." "I'm off to see your Mum." "Nice-looking chicks, eh?" "Real life starts the first time you fuck, kid." "You know, play hide the sausage." "Have a good fuck." "Have you already fucked a chick?" "You can tell me." "Have you already made a chick yodel?" "Did you see my Mum?" " Yes." "Did you talk to her?" " No." "It was a bad idea, son." "That really was a bad idea, that was." "The filthy whore." "Come here." "We won't let this get to us." "We won't be pushed around." "By that slut." "13 YEARS  1 1 MONTHS previously" "Keep still a minute." "Don't move." "And thus, with a quickie against the wall of the Las Vegas, my father unwittingly brought his life as a bachelor to an abrupt end." "42 weeks later, he was in the Las Vegas when the telephone rang and my father heard that he had a son." "The miracle has taken place The miracle has taken place" "It started when I let your dick use my pussy as a parking space." "All together!" "Then he came and fetched me from the hospital and went back to the Las Vegas to proudly show me off to all his friends." "Cheers, son." "27 years after I was born, I made the same stupid mistake as my father." "You should have taken the pill." "All that rubbish about it being bad for you." "And now it's too late." "How long have you known?" "How far gone are you?" "There's a limit on when you can get rid of it." "So it's that simple for you?" " Yes." "It is..." "We're not going to start this again." "We've already been through it." "I don't want to get rid of it." "I don't want kids." "I really don't." "You don't have the right to force it on me." "But you don't have the right to deny me." "If you don't get rid of it, I'm off." "D'you hear me?" "I refuse to get rid of it." " OK." "Gunther, I love you." "See what I get to eat since your mother left?" "I've always cooked you nice meals." "Writing lines again, son?" " Yes, sort of." "But actually, I'm taking the piss out of the teachers, they never read it." "Don't they read it?" " No." "Write this." "Granny's got hairy tits." " Very funny." "I'm going to bed." "He has written it down, too!" "Good one." "Dad, I'd like to board during the week." "Board?" " May I?" "What's this crap about boarding?" "What's that all about?" "I bust my balls for you." "I do my best, but it's never good enough." "It's never good enough." "First your mother and now you." "You're a little traitor, that's what you are." "And that filthy whore." "I always knew she was a filthy whore." "And you are the son of a filthy whore." "That's what you are." "I'm starting to wonder whether you are actually mine." "Eh?" "Are you mine?" "Take your trousers off." "What?" " Do it." "Why?" " Stand up and take your trousers off." "Gunther, take..." "Stand up!" "Hey!" " Take your trousers off." "You do know how to take them off, don't you?" "Bloody hell." "Come on." "There." "Yours is the same." "Look." "Yours is identical to mine." "You're my son." "You're my son." "You've even got a birthmark in the same place." "It's a fine specimen." "You've got a nice one." "I don't suppose you've done much with it yet." "Or have you?" " No." "Gunther, you're going to get a great deal of pleasure from it." "Life still has to start for you." " I don't feel very well." "Feeling a bit better now?" " Yes." "It was the wine." "A bit pissed, eh?" "That's OK." "That's part of growing up." "The bigger I got, the smaller everything seemed." "I got fed up with Franky." "But he, or rather his father, beat me to it." "Dad says I'm not allowed to play with you any more." "How come?" " Your father is crazy and your whole family is scum." " And my mother abandoned me, Franky." "Didn't your dad tell you that too?" " Don't blame me." "It's my dad." "Honestly." "He says you'll teach me to smoke, drink, steal..." "I'm not blaming you." "But I don't know if you know much about us." "If your dad thinks he knows the Strobbes so well, he must know that the Strobbes all pull together." "What?" " No one lays a finger on a Strobbe." "We're a bit old-fashioned as far as that is concerned." "D'you understand?" "Family honour and stuff." "You'll understand when Uncle Petrol punches you in the gob!" "And your father will be dealt with too." "No one calls my father crazy." "The cops were at the door." "But they..." " Franky's father made a complaint." "Threatening his family!" "Are you mad?" " They say that you're crazy..." "You're going... to keep your mouth shut." " Listen." "But they say..." " I told you to keep your mouth shut." "But they..." " Listen." "Listen." "But they..." " Let him speak." "I'm talking to my son!" " And I'm talking to mine!" "Go on, say it." " They say you're crazy." "And that our whole family is scum and that you're an alkie." "Marcel." " Bloody hell!" "Marcel!" "Lowie, Pieter!" " Let go of me." "You..." " Marcel." "No!" "Pieter." "Pieter, Lowie, come here!" "Come here, quick!" "Come here." "Stay here." "Come on." "Come here." "Come here." "Come on." "The bloody little sod...." " Everything's OK." "Hey, kid brother." "Come on." "The cops said if you carry on like that they'll put you in an institution." "The idea freaks your dad out." "You mustn't do that." " He mustn't hit me." "He won't hit you again." "Say I said so." "I'm not going back." " A Strobbe doesn't run away." "Are you a Strobbe or not?" "Eh?" "Oh, Gunther." "A small portion with ketchup, as usual?" "No, a small portion with gravy and mayonnaise." "It's for my dad." " Oh, right." "Omer, the manager of the Liars Pub, was good at attracting a crowd to his place." "After his legendary naked cycling race, he came up with the idea of trying to break the world record for drinking beer." "He sought candidates." "I'm not crazy, Omer." "Drinking as a sport, that's going a bit too far." "Another beer." "My father was a social drinker, not a competitive one." "Petrol had had his fill of top-level sport." "After his naked-cycling defeat, Beefcake would've liked to get the better of Koen but was excluded as a candidate because he was blacklisted by Omer." "So Koen would defend the Strobbes' honour." "You'll never do it." "You'll bring shame on the Strobbes." "If only to piss Beefcake off." "Fuckin' hell!" "I should've taken part." "There." "That'll make you nice and thirsty." "Leave that alone." " Go on, just one." "You've got to work up a thirst." " Go on, just one." "Don't be stupid." "Line your stomach, work up a thirst and then have a good shit." "We're writing history today, ladies and gentlemen." "We are going to beat the world record." "No more and no less." "And earn a place in the Guinness Book of Records." "We're going to win." "Five, four, three, two, one." "Go!" "Take it easy!" "Start calmly and finish calmly." "And while my Uncle Koen valiantly had a shot at glory," "I wondered whether my life was actually about to start soon." "Hey, Soi, they've got to go in." "They've got to go in, not come out." "Alexi Noyens, Wieken, Winnetou, Soi, Little Lucien, Oscar Crap," "Arlette's Rudy, Zof, they were all there." "But none of them had any idea that a Strobbe would wipe the floor with them." "As a result of my life being about to begin, I missed Uncle Koen 's victory." "Like my dad who, that day, away from curious eyes, had probably drunk more litres of beer than most of the participants." "Bloody hell, Celle!" "When it was over, he hightailed out of there, to go for a drink." "You're in the paper, pal!" "Look." "Piss off, Beefcake, let him see." "Driving on the wrong side of the road, Koen'd crashed head-on into a stolen car and taken out a gang of criminals on the run." "You should hang it on the wall." " Leave it out." "Mr Strobbe?" "I'm going to take your temperature." "My temperature?" "Life went on, of course." "That's what makes it difficult sometimes." "Gunther?" "Come here a minute." "It was obvious, poems wouldn't pay for nurseries." "Doing unwanted work to pay for the existence of an unwanted child, there was a certain logic to it, when you thought about it." "I've already told you numerous time I can't help you." "So fuck off!" "Good morning." "Minibar." "Soft drinks, coffee." "Anyone?" "I won't be coming back." "No?" "Sure?" "The train continues to wend its way through my life." "But you can forgive a train for a lot of things." "Because it's a train." "Unlike a car, it travels past the world's rear." "The listed houses near the station turn out to be little more than slums." "But you only see the decay from the railway track." "No vehicle gives you a more honest impression of a country than a train." "Look at our gardens, our pigeon lofts, our sheds." "See our underwear drying on the line." "Look at our garden gnomes, our celery, our leeks, our verandas and our brick barbecues." "See how the cows gradually make way for brick monsters, which those with the bank's approval but no taste have plumped down in the Flemish countryside." "Take the train and see how, frozen to the spot, marble and granite stand next to the track, bored and covered in dust, providing our loved ones with a final resting place." "The legendary boozer supreme, Maurice Strobbe, left, after drinking himself to death at 49, in addition to a wife and four sons, an exceptionally beautiful daughter, my Auntie Rosie." "A month after my grandfather's death, she had moved to far-off Antwerp and didn't want anything more to do with Reetveerdegem." "Is that there the toilet?" " Yes." "Just a plank of wood with a hole in it?" " Yes." "Let me have a shit." "I'm gonna kill him." "I'm gonna ram his balls down his throat!" "That's her father you're on about." "I don't want him talked about like that." "And you're my sister." "I will always stand up for you." "I don't want to know." " No one lays a finger on a Strobbe!" "I'm not a Strobbe any more." "What?" " I'm not a Strobbe any more." "Oh, right?" "So what are you doing here then?" "I asked what you're doing here." " Stop it, Lowie." "What are you doing here?" " Stop that." "Well?" " Stop." "What are you going to do?" "Come on!" " So what have you come here for?" "Come to pay an old boyfriend a visit?" "Drop it, OK?" "It's my business." "Right." "Fine." "So you're no longer a Strobbe?" "I'll remember that." "Up here." "Pass me the ketchup, kid brother." "Right on his arse!" "If you need me, I'm next door." "Good night." " Good night." "Good night." "Good night." " Good night." "Sylvie stayed at our place for three weeks." "While I wrote lines, she read books that improved her mind." "She must have been disgusted by the way we lived." "But she didn't say anything." "She watched us in silence." "Get up, Dad." "Ugh!" "Fuck!" "This is Gunther Strobbe speaking." "My dad can't come to work today." "He's sick." "Yes." "Yes, the doctor..." "What did you say?" "Yes, the doctor said he's got gastric flu." "Thank you." "Here." " Yeah, yeah." "He's doing it again." "Shut up!" " Come, come, come." "They shit on everything." "Bloody hell!" " Shut up, damn you!" "Birdbrain!" "That one won't shit on your washing again, Ma." "Silly idiot!" "You're not gonna do it?" " I am." "Go on, do it." " No, no." "Go on, throw it in there." "So tell me who it was." "It's that simple." " I'm not a snitch." "You've got a week to think about it." "Understand?" "Go on." "You can go." "Are you coming, Christie?" "It's Sylvie." " Sylvie." "To my huge surprise, Sylvie accepted my father's invitation to go to the bar." "Yes?" " Of course." "Which bar are you going to?" " Which bar?" "We'll see." "Will André be there?" " Eh?" "Will André be there?" "How should I know?" "I'm not clairvoyant!" " OK, fine." "Of course André would be in the bar." "He was always in the bar." "And everyone, except Sylvie, knew he was her biological father." "Hey, André!" " Look who's here!" "Hi, guys." "He wouldn't make it to Christmas." "So it was high time he met his daughter, my father thought." "Have a look how I have to shit." " Keep your clothes on." "I'll never have to use a toilet again." "Everything drips into..." "See?" " That's disgusting!" "I'll flush it." "Here." "Wait." "Ugh, André, you're standing at the bar, having a shit." "You've no idea how much I save on loo roll every month!" "Nice one!" "Having a shit in the park isn't easy, you can't find any loo paper!" "Christ, guys, I see you've brought a pretty chick with you." "But if the police find out her age, you'll be in deep shit." "She's family, André." " Oh." "André." "André, this is our little Sylvie." "Your Rosie's daughter?" " Yes." "Bloody hell, what a beautiful kid!" "You're as beautiful as your ma." "How is your mum?" " Fine." "She's fine." "Sylvie, I'm going to buy you a drink." "A drink!" "Here." "A diet lemonade." " A diet lemonade." "You're not gonna be all precious?" "Here, a diesel." "That's what we drink here." "Hey, a lemonade." " Can't you stand up for yourself?" "Get back behind your bar, quick!" " Leave her alone." "Look." "Look." "See?" "That shut you up, eh?" "I even asked the park keeper" "But he said, 'You must really be joking!"" "Try it on someone else, son I didn't think that very fair, you see" "It was already running out of my bum So I went behind a big tree." "Having a shit in the park isn't easy" "Filthy faggot and your gob... stinks... of beer" "One more time, it's a great song." "Stop it, you'll hit the slot machine." " Move." "Hey, Beefcake, you winning?" " Yes, I'm winning." "Stop that, Petrol." "Give me that." " We're at home here, aren't we?" "You're not allowed to do anything here." " Stop it." "If I may..." "Thanks, Sylvie, now I can die in peace." "What do you look like?" "Come on... take that coat off." "What a stink!" "Where have you been?" "The miracle has taken place The miracle has taken place" "My pussy is wet And of rain there is no trace" "Upstairs!" "Upstairs!" "What's wrong with the pussy song?" " Did you teach her?" "No." "André taught her." "Did you see André?" "Was André there?" " Rosie." "Rosie, we're sorry." "We're sorry about everything!" "Sorry, Rosie." "We're sorry, Rosie." "What've you been up to here?" " Help me." "Help me, help me." "What have you..." " Open the boot." "Have you been here for three weeks?" " Where else?" "How would I know?" " I was here." "Put your case in, you silly cow." "Petrol." "What?" " Come here." "What's the matter?" " He's punching her in the kisser." "So?" "She said she didn't need me any more." "She can sort it out herself." "Calm down." " Yeah, calm down." "You've had it now!" "Calm down." " Hey!" "Did you hear me?" "I've had enough of your dramatics!" "It's always the same." "It occurred to me again, beautiful things got destroyed or left our village." "Stupid bitch!" "I do what I like, got it?" "No one's gonna tell me otherwise." "And don't get catty!" "Very funny, miaow, miaow." "Go poke fun at someone else!" "You can all kiss my arse!" "All of you!" "Bunch of dickheads!" "Mr Strobbe." "Take a seat." "What can I do for you?" "It was me." "I made the toilets overflow." "Then I have no choice but to expel you." "OK." "You can go." "Gunther, it can't carry on like this." "What are we to do with you?" "I'm going to send someone round." "Go on." "There are two people I hate." "Two women." "One gave birth to me, the other was carrying my offspring." "You could say there was a connection between them, but that's probably just an impression." "One's mind is confused when one is about to stop being a son and become a father." "I'm looking for Marcel Strobbe." " Marcel?" "Have you come to see Celle?" " Yes." "Celle, get up." "You've got a visitor." "It may take a while." "He's only just gone to bed." "I've got time." "I'll wait." " Take a seat." "Would you like a drink?" " No, thanks." "No?" "A coffee?" "Kid, go..." " No, it's fine, thanks." "So you've come to see our Celle?" " Yes." "Celle, come downstairs." "There's a chick waiting for you down here." "What did you say?" " There's a chick to see you." "What's her name?" " What's her name?" "What's your name?" " Nele Fockedey." "Nele Fock..." "Fuck-a-day?" " Yes." "Fuck-a-day." " A fuck a day keeps the doctor away." "Fancy being called that!" "Celle, her name's Nele Fuck-a-day." "Dickhead!" "Let me sleep." " No, seriously, Celle." "What does she look like?" " Not bad." "Blonde, around 60 kg and a nice pair of tits!" " And white knickers!" "Bloody hell!" "Fuckin' hell!" "Two crates of beer!" "Beefcake?" " Yes?" "It's not that woman from last night?" " How should I know?" "Ask her." " Are you that woman from last night?" "Uh, hold on..." " She's not saying anything, Celle." "Don't tell me she's pregnant." " No, hold on, I think..." "Come on, come downstairs." "I'm not having anything more to do with it." "Shit." "Gunther!" "Gunther!" "Come here, son." "Gunther!" "A cigarette." "What's going on?" "What's going on?" "I don't know this woman." "Are you bullshitting me?" " Mr Strobbe, I'm Nele Fockedey from the Department for Child Protection." "I've come to see the conditions in which your son is being brought up." "Mr Strobbe, this situation is unacceptable." "Why isn't the boy living with his mother?" "Ask him yourself, madam." "Wouldn't you rather live with your mum?" "Tell me about your mum." " My mother is a whore, madam." "That's it, have another drink." "Marcel!" "Marcel..." "If they take him away, I'll kill myself." " Pull yourself together." "Stop drinking." "Stop drinking?" " Yes." "Stop drinking..." " Gonna hit your mother, are you?" "Go on!" "Bloody hell, Celle." "Bloody hell." " Someone snitched on us." "It was you!" "You called that woman." "What?" " Don't be stupid, Celle." "You called that woman!" " I didn't." "You did." " I didn't." "Shut your mouth." " No, I won't." "Shut it." " No." "Shut it." " No, I won't." "Shut your mouth." "Fuckin' hell!" "Let go of me." "Let go of me." "Stay there." "Fuckin' hell!" "Fuckin' hell!" "Fuckin' hell!" "Traitor!" "Traitor." "You're betraying your own family." "You're betraying your own family." "You're betraying your own blood." "You're betraying your own blood." " Let go." "It was me." "I called that woman." "It was me who called that woman." "I called that woman." "Marcel." "I called that woman." "I called that woman." "I'm going to put that in too." "Once he'd calmed down, he was overcome by shame." "Shame and realisation." "He opened the phone book and phoned a rehab clinic." "Then he put my name down for boarding school." ""It's better this way, son, " he mumbled." ""Until I'm better. "" "He'd said my father was crazy and called my uncles scum from the gutter." "Years later, I bumped into Franky." "...not damaged." "Everything's in very good condition." "How much is this?" " Four euros." "For a beer-drinking smurf?" " Not many were made, sir." "Not many were made?" "Look." "Made in Taiwan." "On the bottom of his shoes." "Probably made by kids, too." " Hey, aren't you..." "Oh, Franky." "Did your dad say you could talk to me?" " Long time no see!" "What a coincidence!" "I thought of you last week." "At Reetveerdegem cemetery." "I walked past your father's grave and wondered how you were." "So, what are you up to now?" " All sorts, whatever pays the rent." "Still got your train collection?" " Yes." "But it's much bigger now." "Is it?" " More sophisticated." "Everything's computer controlled." "You should come and see." "There I sat, with Franky and a beer, catching up." "Talking about years gone by that we can't go back to and improve." "D'you ever come to Reetveerdegem?" "D'you ever come to Reetveerdegem?" "Every five years or so, I go back to Reetveerdegem for no reason." "It suddenly appears, this need to go and see my uncles." "After that, I visit my father's grave." "Seeing as I'm there." "It no longer makes any difference to him." "But I'm there." "And he is too, one way or another." "Strobbe!" "Eyes to the front." "You weren't paying attention, eh?" " No, I wasn't paying attention." "Four pages, by tomorrow." " What about, sir?" "Write an absurd story about Darius." " OK." "Strobbe." "Read this out to the class." "Boys." "Quiet." "We're going to listen to Gunther's story." "Darius, the son of Xerxes, the king of Persia, took a can of Sprite out of the vending machine in his dad's palace and..." "Hey!" "What on earth is going on?" "It was quiet at home." "Dad was trying to kick his addiction, Koen had moved in with his new love," "Petrol was in prison for something minor and Beefcake had ended up in hospital after a cycling race." "Come here." "Thanks for coming." " You're welcome." "What have you been up to?" " I went over the mountains too fast." "Yeah." " I've done things, Ma, things that Koen can only dream of." "But I went over the mountains too fast." "Yeah." " I'd lined up four Trappist beers." "I added two whiskies..." "He hadn't done much cycling, except possibly metaphorically." "Beefcake still couldn't get over Koen's victory." "So he'd designed his own alcoholic race." "His Tour de France." "A sort of board game on a map of France, with kilometres converted into drink." "Because Beefcake wanted to be the most accomplished boozer, his race would be spread over a number of days, like the Tour, and wouldn't be limited to just lager." "Like in the case of the stages of the Tour, three jerseys could be won." "Yellow for the winner, green for best sprinter, the 'down the hatch' king, and the polka dot jersey could be earned in the mountains, where you got ahead by drinking stronger drinks." "Here." "I need a piss." "A woman of your size and such a tiny bladder." "The toilet's too narrow!" "I can't get in." "Yellow." " Wait till tomorrow." "Bye, guys." " See you tomorrow." "If Beefcake hadn't done something stupid, he could've won." "We can only guess what was going through his mind when, on day 12, he cycled up the Mont Ventoux like a stud on heat." "Beefcake." "Beefcake's hit the deck." "Beefcake's hit the deck." "Zulma." "Gunther." "Light out." "This surprised you, eh son?" "How are you?" " Fine." "And you?" "Fine." "Shall I take that?" " If you like." "What have you got in there?" " My books." "Comic books, I suppose?" "Hey, look who's fuckin' here!" "How's things?" " Fine." "You're looking good." " Thanks." "Hello, kid." " Hi." "Hi, ugly." " How's things?" "I'm off, guys." " Bye, Beefcake" "Bye." " See you..." "See you in a month or two." " Watch out, they'll keep you in." "Haha, very funny." "Really funny." "Really." "Hello." " Hello." "Can we take a look round?" " Go ahead." "There." "Choose a pair of trainers." "Whichever you like." "Even the most expensive." " What for?" "To run in, of course." " I don't go running." "I don't like running." " What d'you mean?" "A real man runs." "We'll run together." "There's a race tomorrow." "I've put your name down." "You're bloody good at running!" "You can run really fast." "I used to be good at it too." "I even won a gas cooker once." "Your mum was pleased." " You've told me that loads of times." "Yes, that's true." "Are they comfortable?" " Sure." "They're not too tight at the front?" " No." "I've got to go back in Sunday evening, at 5 o'clock." "If I'm completely sober, I can come home for good." "So..." "I'm going to stay at boarding school." "D'you like it there?" " Yes." "All the shit I went through, son... you're not gonna go through that." "I can see it in your eyes." "You've got..." "I don't know." "You're different." "You're a Strobbe." "But you're different." "There was a slight chance the baby would be born dead." "Or would turn out to be black." "In both cases I would find it hard to hide my delight." "And push, push, push." "OK, keep going, keep going." "Keep going, keep going." "OK, rest now." "Could you spare a cigarette?" "Life had been passed on, like a baton in an eternal relay race, the reason for which no one knows but in which everyone clings to their misfortunes." "Hey, you." "Hi." "Everything will be fine." "Everything will be fine, Gunther." "We're going to make a good job of it." "This baby chose to be with us." "Babies choose their parents and not the other way round." "This little man chose us." "So you think kids choose their parents?" " Yes." "What a load of crap!" "You're always a bastard, when you abandon a woman and her kid." "But that's because you weren't enough of a bastard to leave her before you had made her pregnant." "Dear Mr Strobbe, Dear Gunther," "We read, with particular interest, your first novel-to-be." "Our advisors were all positive." "So we would like to invite you to Amsterdam to discuss a number of things with you." "5 NOVELS LATER" "Hey, kid." "Hey, come here." "Well, well." "Big guy." " I'll go and get some beers." "Kid?" "A beer?" "You too?" " Hello, Ma." "Come on, sit down." "I wanted to ask you something, kid." "Someone phoned me." "A professor in folklore phoned me." "They've started a drinking songs project." "They want to create a record of all kinds of songs in dialect, per region." "Get it?" "So my question is, d'you still know any songs like that?" "The pussy song." " The pussy song." "The pussy song." "Yes, that's it." "The pussy song." "Are you going to start?" "What?" " Singing." "I'll write it down." "What about Granny?" " She can sing too." "She's got dementia." " Eh?" "She's got dementia." " So?" "Maybe she can help us." "Come on, if we start singing maybe she'll join in." "Go on." " I'm not going to start singing here." "You going to let us down then?" " If you want to look at it like that..." "Well, I do look at it like that." "Come on, kid." "A professor in folklore phoned me!" "They're creating a record of the songs, to be part of the cultural heritage  thing." "Well?" "You're the cultured one, aren't you?" "You're always on stage." "If we want to know how you're doing, kid, we have to read the newspaper." "Our little author..." "Your family needs you now." "What's the first verse?" "No more crap." "The miracle has taken place The miracle has taken place" "That's it." "That's it." "My pussy is wet And of rain there is no trace" "My pussy is wet And of rain there is no trace" "Great, kid." "Second verse." " I only know the first verse." "Come on, come on." "The miracle has taken place The miracle has taken place" "And then?" "Come on." "The miracle has taken place" "Come on, Ma." "The miracle has taken place" "My pussy is wet And of rain there is no trace" "No, I only know the first verse." " We're not drunk enough." "You need to be drunk, to sing drinking songs." "Eh, kid?" "Come on, let's go to a bar." " Hold on, guys." "I'm going to take Granny back to her room first." "I'll see you in a minute." "The tit song, d'you still know that?" "I do." "The tit song." "One is not enough And three are too many" "If they're spread out a bit Lookin' at 'em makes you cross-eyed" "Tits!" "Watch out, it'll end up on the floor." "This made you laugh last time, d'you remember?" "My roll-up." "You said it was for fishermen." "She didn't say anything towards the end." "Maybe she was fed up with always being told she'd forgotten everything, that she was always wrong, that she could no longer tell her children from her grandchildren or even her great-grandchildren." "That's OK." "It's clean." "Let me move that." "If she didn't feel like speaking, then I spoke." "Even if she didn't take anything more in." "I told her who I was, what she had meant to me, that I was Gunther, the son of one of her sons, Celle." "That she was my grandmother, but that she'd been a mother to me." "I thanked her for the year she looked after me and my father." "We do keep-fit exercises in the courtyard." "To start the morning refreshed." " No way." "Yes, yes." "Absolutely." "Oranges?" " Yes, oranges and everything." "Every morning." "Shall we go and play billiards?" " No." "Shall we go and play billiards?" "Celle." " No." "What d'you mean?" " No!" "No, no." "Celle, people think you're crazy because you've spent three months in that psychiatric clinic." "They say to us "Your Celle's crazy."" " Let them say it." "Let them say it..." "Just show your kisser." "You're coming to play billiards." " Come on, guys." "I've got to be back there at 5 o'clock tomorrow." "Sober." "I'm not going looking for trouble." "Want me to turn up there pissed?" "No, no." " Listen to me a minute, Celle." "They're letting you out in a few weeks." "The guy in charge gives you a pat on the back, you've officially dried out." "Dried out, yes." " You'll start working again." "No postman has got as many bars on his round as you." "That's true." " That used to be great." "But now you're going to have to say no, pal." "No, to all those beers, to all those whiskies, to all those ports." "No, no, madam, I don't drink any more." "I'm in a hurry." "How will you be able to cope if you can't even come and play billiards?" "Exactly." "You're right." "I'm coming with you." "I'm not staying home here." "You're not going to do something stupid?" " Something stupid, Ma!" "He's in good hands." " I shall be sensible." "Just a game with my pals." "I'll be back before you even realise I've gone." "What?" "What?" "Don't forget that race tomorrow." "I'm coming to watch." "He should go to bed on time." "He's got to be in good shape." "Right, see you later." "I won't be long." "Hey, Beefcake." "Where are we going?" "Hey, wait for me." "Playing billiards could last a long time." "I earn my money doing something I love." "I've met the woman of my dreams." "I had to go and have a kid with someone else first." "But I met her in the end." "I'll never be a real dad to the kid." "I try to be... a good uncle to him." "Thanks for looking after me and for standing up for me." "Thanks for saying you phoned that Nele Fockedey." "That's it." "Go on." "It's loose." "Yes, you did it!" "Right then, here we go." "Are you on there OK?" " Yes." "Be careful." "Hold on tight to the handlebar." "Not too fast." "Sit up straight." "Are you OK?" "OK, keep it straight." "In a straight line." "Go!" "Did you hurt your knee?" "I'm going to let go." "I'm going to let go."