"(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "(theme song ending)" "Hi!" "Oh, hi." "Hi." "FRED:" "Hi, kids." "Well, what do we watch?" "Comedy?" "Drama?" "Soap opera?" "I don't care." "Anything but wrestling." " Okay." " Ricky, wait a minute." "Let's not watch television tonight." "ALL:" "Not watch television?" "!" "What else is there to do?" "Well, whatever happened to that game we used to play before television was invented?" "It was called conversation." "Oh, yeah, how did that go?" "You know, the four of us used to just sit around all evening and talk." "Nothing so unusual about it." "In millions of homes all over the country, other people were having the same kind of conversations we were having." "Yeah, that's why television was invented." "Go on, Rick, turn it on, will you?" "Now, wait a minute, Fred." "Maybe Lucy's got something there." "Yeah, we're four intelligent, interesting people." "Let's just talk-- exchange ideas." "Okay." "All right." "Well, what do we talk about?" "Anything." "Just let the conversation flow." "Let it go where it wants to." "All right." "Okay, let's start." "Well, come on, let's talk." "Um... how about those elections?" "They were really something, huh?" "I guess so." "Elections?" "Yeah, yeah, I..." "What about them?" "Well, they had them all right." "Oh." "Oh, come now, someone must know something to say." "Oh..." "What do we watch?" "Let's see what's on, eh?" "Okay." "Hey, hey, that's good." "Oh, it's a movie." "(film music playing)" "That's a pretty new movie for television." "New?" "Yeah, that little girl is Margaret O'Brien, isn't it?" "Look again-- it's Shirley Temple." "Look again-- it's Mary Pickford." "Hey, that's not tuned in right." "I'll get it lighter." "There." "Oh, honey, that's too light." "But don't make it too dark now." "Well, if it's too light, it hurts my eyes." "Well, compromise." "All right, how's that?" " All right, that's good now." " Fine." "That's good." "What are those lines across there?" "There's too much contrast." "I'll fix ii." "There." "How does it look now?" "Well, I can see the lines much better." "Well, let's try it this way." "There, there, the lines are fading." "Yeah, the lines are gone." "So is the picture." "Well, wait a minute, will you?" "Okay, okay." "All right now, leave it alone." "Leave it alone, leave it alone!" "Sit down, will you?" "That's fine now!" "Sit down." "You think that's in focus?" "What?" "You think the picture is sharp enough?" " Yeah." "lt's all right." "Aah, I can get it much sharper than that." "There, that's what I call in focus." "Honey, that's too light." "All right." "Uh-oh, that's too dark." "Can't you get rid of those lines?" "Ricky, why couldn't you have left it alone?" "It was fine for all of us." "Well, I'll get it, honey, I'll get it." "Now, listen, let me do it." "Honey, I know how to do it." "I've had it..." "Honey, please, I know..." "Oh!" "Now see what you've done!" "Me?" "!" "Well, that's the end of television for tonight." " Good, I'm glad." " Oh..." "Now what are we going to do?" "Well, we could try conversation again, but personally I'm all worn out from the last gabfest." "We could make fudge and dress up in our mothers' clothes." "Yeah, that's the best idea yet." "Oh, wait a minute." "MY goodness!" "Look!" "A radio!" "Well, what do you know?" "It takes a little time to warm up." "Well, what are we staring at?" "This is a radio." "ANNOUNCER:" "Testing, testing..." "Mr. and Mrs. Eric Findley, meet Freddy Fillmore." "Oh, I remember this show" "Freddy Fillmore, Mr. and Mrs. Quiz." "How do you do, Mr. and Mrs. Findley?" "Now, here are your three $100 questions." "First, who was the youngest man to be inaugurated" "President of the United States?" "Theodore Roosevelt." "Theodore Roosevelt?" "Oh, no, it was one of the earlier ones" "Adams or McKinley, wasn't it, Ethel?" "Ask Fred; he was probably there." "(bell rings)" "Oh, time's up, I'm so sorry." "The youngest president was 42 years old the day of his inauguration and his name was Theodore Roosevelt." "LUCY:" "Well!" "What do you know about that?" "You were right-- how did you know that?" "Doesn't everybody?" ""Doesn't everybody?"" "Oh-ho-ho!" "Now, Mr. and Mrs. Findley, here's your second question, and remember, only one answer between you:" "What was the last state to be admitted to the union?" "LUCY:" "I know what that was-- uh, Nebraska, Nebraska." "No, it was New Mexico." "FRED:" "Wyoming." "It was Arizona." "Arizona?" "MR. FINDLEY:" "Uh, was it Arizona?" "FILLMORE:" "You are so right!" "The last state to be admitted to the union was Arizona!" "And you now have $100!" "(chortling)" "Now for your third question:" "What was the date of Lincoln's Gettysburg Address?" "Well, brain?" "November 19... 1863." "Come on, now, Mr. Findley, take a guess." "Mrs. Findley?" "(bell rings)" "Sorry, but your time is up." "The answer is November 9, 1863." "Ha!" "Oh!" "Oh, oh, I beg your pardon, I read that wrong." "The answer is November 19, 1863." "Ha!" "Oh, that's too bad, Mr. and Mrs. Findley, but you do have $100 and a chance at our $500 jackpot question." "Oh, wait a minute, we don't have enough time left, so we'll just have to ask you the jackpot question at the beginning of our next program." "We're a little late, folks, so this is Freddy Fillmore saying good night and remember to tune in every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday..." "I'm very surprised at you." "How did you happen to know the answer to those questions?" "Well, who do you think you're married to, a country pumpkin?" "We studied American history in Cuba, too, you know." "Well, you're certainly a lot smarter than I am." "I got all I can do to remember that there are 46 states." "Forty-eight." "Oh, yeah..." "I guess I forgot Alaska and Hawaii." "Yeah." "Hey, honey, will you fix us some sandwiches?" "Sandwiches?" "Yeah, sandwiches-- two pieces of bread with a thing in the middle and the mustard on the top." "Oh, eat, eat, eat, all they want to..." "Come on, Ethel, help me." "Hey, you sure fooled me, Rick." "I'd have bet you couldn't answer those questions." "I got something to tell you about that, old man." "What?" "That's why I send them out of the room." "You know, that program was a delayed broadcast." "Yeah?" "Yeah, they made it this afternoon, and I was at the station when they were doing it." "I heard the whole thing." "Then you knew the answers before they asked them." "Shh!" "Yeah." "(chuckles)" "Boy, you..." "you tricky Cuban." "ETHEL (singsongy):" "Whoo-hoo!" "Whoo-hoo." "What are you doing?" "I thought we were going shopping." "Oh, I guess I was just daydreaming about Ricky knowing the answers to all those questions last night." "Just think, he would have won $300" "$100 for each question." "Gosh." "Three crisp, new, green $100 bills." "Is that the way you see it'?" "Uh-huh." "I see it all in pennies and I'm running barefoot through it." "Oh, well, we might as well stop dreaming." "Wait a minute, why do we have to dream?" "Why can't he go on that program and win all the money?" "Sure." "You think he'd do it?" "Why not?" "He knows all the answers." "Besides, it'd give him a chance to show off, the big ham." "I'm going to call the station right now." "Hey, you might win that $500 jackpot, then you'd really be rich." "Yeah, I'd have golden eggs all over the house." "Huh?" "I didn't realize what kind of a goose I was married to." "Freddy Fillmore, please." "Say, wait a minute." "It's a Mr. and Mrs. Quiz show." "You'll have to go on it, too." "So what?" "Ricky will answer all the questions." "I'll just stand there, keep my mouth shut." "Uh, Freddy Fillmore?" "Mr. Fillmore, this is Mrs. Ricky Ricardo." "Mr. Fillmore, I don't know if you know it or not, but my husband is one of the smartest men in the United States." "Yes, sir." "Yes, sir, and if you play your cards right, you might be able to get him on your program." "Uh-huh... that's right." "Well, l-l'm sure he'd be glad to." "Hi, honey." "Oh, Ricky, am I glad you're home in time." "Time for what?" "I have a big surprise for you." "Really?" "What is it?" " I won't tell you until 7:00." " Oh?" "I was so proud of you last night knowing the answers to all those questions." "(chuckling):" "Well, honey, I have something to tell you about that, too." "Wait a minute" it's 7:00." "Now, what is it?" "Well, you see, that program that we heard last night was a delayed broadcast and I was down at the station when they were doing it and that's the reason that I knew all the answers." "What's the matter, honey?" "Ricky Ricardo." "Yes, be sure to tune in for the Mr. and Mrs. Quiz program tomorrow night when Freddy Fillmore's special guests will be" "Mr. and Mrs. Ricky Ricardo." "Oh, no." "Lucy... before I kill you... would you mind telling me the details?" "Well, you were so smart last night and you knew all the answers and I thought you were a cinch to win all the money so I called the radio station..." "And why did you call the radio station without asking me first?" "Well, how did I know that you were faking?" "I thought you were an overgrown Cuban quiz kid." "Look, all I know is that Columbus discover Ohio in 1776." "Oh, fine." "Well, what are we going to do now?" "What are we going to do now?" "We'll have to go through with it." "It's been announced on the air." "I can't back out now." " But you know something?" " What?" "Tomorrow night, when we get on that show, you'd better know the answers." "What are you going to do if I don't?" "It's too horrible to think about." "It's too horrible to think about." " Eww!" " Eww!" "Hi, Mr. Fillmore." "Here are the questions for tonight." "Oh, good, Tommy." "Well, these ought to be hard enough." "Let's see if you can answer any of these, Tommy." "Eh, "To whom do you make your federal tax check out on March 15?"" "You don't know that?" ""How do subfreezing temperatures in the Arctic affect the growth of trees?"" "You don't know that one either?" "'Why was the steamship lle de France put in dry dock recently?"" "I don't know any of those." "You mean to tell me you can't answer these questions?" "Neither can I." "Where are the answers?" "Oh, didn't I bring them in?" "I must have left them on my desk." "I'll go get them." " Okay." "Say, there's a Mrs. Ricky Ricardo outside to see you." "Oh, yeah, she's one of the contestants." "Have her come in, will you?" "Okay." "You may come in, Mrs. Ricardo." "Thank you." "How do you do, Mrs. Ricardo?" "How do you do?" "Awfully nice of you to come down." "Won't you sit down?" "Thank you." "Uh..." "Mr. Fillmore, you can do me a tremendous favor." "You can get me out of a very big spot." "Well, anything you want, I'll do, Mrs. Ricardo." " Oh, thank you very much." " And do you know why?" " Why?" "Because this is the biggest break I've ever had, having you and your husband appear on my show tonight." "Oh?" "Yes." "You see, I have an offer from a national sponsor who's willing to buy the program if I can get people like Ricky Ricardo to appear." " Oh." "And once he's appeared on the show tonight, that'll pave the way for other celebrities." " Oh, I see." " Oh, you don't realize what a break this is for me." "Now, what can I do for you?" "Uh... could I have some tickets for the broadcast?" "Well, certainly." "You can have all the tickets you want." "Pardon me, Mr. Fillmore, here are the answers for tonight's questions." "Oh, thank you, Tommy." "(chuckling)" "Have we got some pips for you tonight." "You have?" "Yeah, we sure have." "Oh, that's right, you wanted those tickets." "Yes, please." "I'll take care of that right now." "WOMAN:" "Yes, Mr. Fillmore?" "Nancy, will you see that Mrs. Ricardo gets all the tickets she wants, please?" "(phone rings)" "Oh, excuse me." "Hello?" "Oh, yeah, yeah, I've got them right here." "Yeah, we can check it." "One..." "Yeah." "Uh, Mo"..." "Yeah." "Uh, three..." "Uh, yeah." "Yeah, that checks." "Okay, now, would you read that opening commercial to me, please?" "Uh-huh." "That sounds good." "Sure." "Okay." "Why, Mrs. Ricardo, you-you wouldn't want to see the answers for tonight, would you?" "Oh, were those the answers?" "Well, yes." "You didn't see them, did you?" "No, darn it." "Well, good." "Uh... well, uh..." "Good-bye, Mr. Fillmore." "Oh, well... good-bye, Mrs. Ricardo." "So nice of you to come by." "Thank you." "I'll see you tonight." " Thank you." "(phone rings)" " Excuse me." "Hello?" "(mouthing words)" "Hi, Lucy, you ready to go to the broadcast?" "I was just going over these answers-- see if I knew them." "Here, you hold the paper." "Uh, the first one is, "the collector of Internal Revenue."" "The second one is, "the sap runs every two years."" "The third is, "to scrape the barnacles off her hull."" "Perfect." "Wonder what the questions are?" "Who cares, so long as I have the answers?" "Come on, come on." "We might as well get it over with." "Oh, now, honey, don't look so worried." "I have an idea I'm going to walk up there and give them those answers one, two, three." "You're so confident, one would think you knew what the questions were going to be." "Yes, one would, wouldn't one?" "Come on, come on, we're all going to be late." "All right!" "(all talking at once)" "Let's go." "Oh, I forgot something." "I'll be right with you." " All right." ""Collector of Internal Revenue, the sap runs every two years to... to scrape the barnacles off her hull."" "Come on, honey, hurry up." "It's time for Mr. and Mrs. Quiz." "(applause, theme music plays)" "Yes, once again it's time to play that fascinating game, Mr. and Mrs. Quiz and here to ask the questions is that well-known quizmaster" "Freddy Fillmore!" "(music and applause)" "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and welcome once again to Mr. and Mrs. Quiz." "Now, for our first contestant tonight we have a gentleman known to all of you as an orchestra leader and a singer." "But what you don't know-- and we didn't, either, until his wife told us today-- he's one of the greatest brains of all time-- a real top intellectual." "Yes, sirree." "And now, just in case you think we picked questions to make him look good tonight, we're going to change our usual practice and have him select his questions out of this glass bowl, at random." "And now, here they are, Mr. and Mrs. Ricky Ricardo!" "(applause)" "How do you do, Mr. and Mrs. Ricardo?" "How do you do?" "You all ready for your questions?" "Yes, sir." "Oh-ho, they're going to be pretty hard." "Oh, I'll bet they're not too hard." "Well, we'll see about that." "Now, remember, you only have one answer between the two of you." "Okay, dig right in there, Ricky." "Ah, here we go for number one." "Ah." "What is name of the animal that fastens itself to you and drains you of your blood?" "The Collector of Internal Revenue." "FREDDY:" "Oh, I..." "I..." "I'm so sorry." "You only had one answer between the two of you and that's wrong." "It is?" "Yes, the answer is, "a vampire bat."" "A vampire bat, sure-- that's what I was going to say." "Well, let's try the next one." "Ah, maybe we'll have better luck this time." "I'll get the next one." "Ah, here we go, number two:" "What is a senator's term of office?" "The sap runs every two years." "Oh, I..." "I'm sorry, Mrs. Ricardo but you're not giving your husband a chance." "A senator's term of office is six years." "Six years, sure." "Why don't you let me answer one?" "Well, let's try the last one." "Let me answer this one, eh?" "Here we go for number three." "Why did the French people put Marie Antoinette under the sharp blade of the guillotine?" "Um..." " Well?" " Um..." "You got any ideas?" "Well, come on, Ricardos, you must know the answer to this one." "Yeah, we know the answer to this one." "Okay, why did the French people put Marie Antoinette under the sharp blade of the guillotine?" "To scrape the barnacles off her hull." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "You are the first husband-and-wife team ever to miss all three questions." "What's the matter with you, honey?" "Well, I memorized the answers, but they must have switched the questions." "Oh, no, what have you done to me?" "Well, anyway, you still have a chance at the giant jackpot question, and it's worth $500." "Ricky, it's not over yet." "Now, now, we've all seen the picture of George Washington crossing the Delaware." "You've seen that picture, haven't you?" "Yeah, yeah, I've seen it." "And you've seen it, too, haven't you?" "Of course you have." "Now, what I want you to tell me is this:" "What did George Washington say while making that crossing?" "Yeah, I'll, I'll repeat the question:" "What did George Washington say while crossing the Delaware?" "Do you know, Ricky?" "Please let me sit down;" "this is making me sick." "That's right!" "That's what George Washington said when crossing the Delaware!" "(all talking at once)" "(all talking at once)" "(applause)" "(gleeful shouting)" "Five hundred bucks!" "(applause)" "(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "ANNOUNCER:" "The part of Freddy Fillmore was played by Frank Nelson." "The office boy was Bobby Ellis and the announcer was played by Roy Rowan." "I Love Lucy is a Desilu production."