" So, dad, how do I look here?" " You look great..." "Is the collar too big?" "It's one of your old shirts." "No, it's not too big." "Well, the shirt's too small, but the collar fits." "No, you look nice, you look really nice." "Do you think the handkerchief in or out?" "Why are you so dressed up?" "What do you mean, "Why am I dressed up?"" "I have my interview at broadcasting school this morning, dad." "Oh, is this is the thing that you were telling me about a couple of months ago..." "This is the thing I signed up for." "Yeah, with the broadcasting." "The broadcast school." "I'm going out to meet them today." "Hey, good luck." "I think it shows a lot of ingenuity." "I have to read in front of a whole panel of experts." "Don't let them intimidate you." "The problem is I'm a little nervous about putting my voice out there in front of everybody." "Well, you have a unique voice, and a unique way of expressing yourself." "So you should go in there feeling very good about it, you know?" "When you come out, I think it's gonna be tough." "Do you have something to bring with you to read to them or they..." "They provide you what I call copy." "What do they call it?" " They call it copy." " Oh, I know." "That's like an advertising term." "It's not just about that." "It's about developing a relationship with your public." "Sure." "It's about articulation." "Say that with me." "Articulation." "Articulation." "Well, that's not great, but..." "You see, there's so many ways to say one word." "When you're a broadcaster, you'd know that." "Well, get back to me when you're a broadcaster." "To be honest with you, dad, it's about finding your own voice." "I bet the mic comes in handy for that one." "Shut your damn wise mouth." "Hey, can I use that?" "About the mic?" " That'll break the ice." " Oh, sure." "I think if I can stick a joke in there somewhere, they'd think I'm a fun guy to have around the booth." "You'd better get out of here." "Aren't you forgetting something?" "Nope, I'm off..." "See you." "What about the "Katz family good-luck hug"?" "Yeah, I think we should stop doing that, dad." "It's starting to get uncomfortable." "Give me the old fist in the chin, the little punch." "But we always hug before you go on an interview." "Yeah, and I haven't gotten a job yet." " It can't be the hug." " Could be." "It can't be!" " It could be your breath." " Could be yours." " Give me a hug, will you?" " No." "Laura, do you believe in god?" "Mmm..." "'Cause I was just looking in the mirror and I was thinking," ""Only a god could pull this one together."" "Was that supposed to be an ice-breaker?" "Hey, baby." "You like my Latin look today?" "What do you think of these Cuban heels I got on, huh?" "Remember I forgot my shoes last time?" "Well, this kind of makes up for that, doesn't it, shorty?" "The doctor will see you now." "First time a man ever wore 8-inch heels, huh?" "All right, I think I'm gonna tip over." "Whoa." "It's really not me so much." "Can I level with you now?" "I think I pretty much have gotten it together." "I think I'm what they call self-actualized." " You know what my problem is?" " What's that?" "People say I'm paranoid." "Well, maybe you'd be a little paranoid if there was a world organization bent on your destruction." "Is this your UNICEF theory again?" "You're not the one calling me and hanging up, are you?" "No." "Because it sounds like your breath." "I lost my grandmother recently." "I'm sorry." "No, she didn't die..." "We lost her." "She actually shrunk to the point where we can't find her anymore." "I think she's napping in the Kleenex box, tell you the truth." "You know what cracks me up, doc?" "Everybody talks about the good side of things, the bright side." "What's the bright side to shrinking?" "I'd like to know that." "Maybe I'll be able to stand up in the back of a car someday." "Wow, I haven't had this view since I was four years old." " Hey, doc?" " Dom?" "Can I bring my cousin Louie in here next week?" "You wanna bring him in as some kind of evidence?" "No, I just wanted to bring him in because he needs therapy but he can't afford it, so he would just, like, talk in my ear, and then I would say what's the matter with him" "and then you would talk." " No, I can't do that." "Can we bring a bunk bed?" "I have a retractable bunk bed we could bring in, and we'll both lay down." "'Cause I don't want him laying on me on the couch." "He's too fat." "I could try to work out a deal with the guy, but I can't..." "I can't see both of you together." "He has no concept of himself, my cousin Louie." "He thinks the mafia's after him, right?" "He says, "Dom, I think the mafia's after me." "The mob wants to take me down."" "I said, "Louie, you're 37 years old", you have no money, no job, you live with your mother." "The mafia wouldn't waste a stale mozzarella stick on the back of your greasy, dandruff-filled head." "And I don't mean that in a bad way, Louie."" "I mean, some guys, no matter what they look like, they think they should be going out with a model." "A guy could be..." "I hate to use the word "squat."" " No offense, doc." " None taken." "He could look like a reflection in a car door, one of these guys who looks like one of" "Mary Lou Retton's brothers." "You know those guys?" "Those kind of midgety, dwarfy guys?" "Doc, he has no concept of himself." "We walk into a restaurant." "He goes, "Hey, Dom, I think that waitress noticed me."" "I said, "Yeah, Louie."" ""What do you think that 19-year-old ballerina noticed about you, huh?" "Your big hairy, sweaty beer belly hanging over your belt, or that mutant mole coming out of the middle of your forehead?" "You think she wanted to jump up on your tummy and take love nibbles off of that?" "Huh, Louie?"" "Can you help him, doc?" "It doesn't sound like he needs any help." "You're a better man than I am, Dr. Katz, Dr. Katz." "A better man than I am." "Well, I don't know about that." "I saw a guy who had the opposite of Tourette's syndrome." "In the middle of a curse, he'd break into a compliment." ""You ain't nothing but a dirty, stinking..." "Nice shoes!"" " Dr. Katz?" " Yeah?" "There's a message on the machine that..." "It's from Ben, but I think you probably wanna hear." "Okay." "I'm gonna step out, 'cause I don't wanna hear it again." "And when we come back, we'll be talking live, via satellite, to somebody." "Somebody else who is somewhere in another satellite area." "Back to you, Jane." "Jane, are you there?" "I'm not getting you, Jane." "I can't..." "Jane?" "I had my wisdom teeth out." "I didn't have 'em all out." "The dentist wanted me to, but I didn't fall for that scam." "So I just had the top six." "Hmm..." "I love to cook." "Y'know, I guess it's okay for me." "You know it's the '90s when a guy can say he loves to cook and it doesn't mean anything more than he's a homosexual." "One good thing is I don't smoke." "I'm not a smoker." "I tried it in high school." "I remember when I stole my father's cigarettes." "And he knew it was me, 'cause I jumped him in the kitchen." "He got a really good look at my face, too, 'cause the refrigerator light." "I went deep-sea fishing, which was... it was not what I expected at all." ""Day o' vomiting" is what they call it." "You really have to read the fine print." "I had no idea what I was getting into." "And I took a Dramamine just in case." "A half-hour into the trip, I got sick." "The Dramamine was the first thing I threw up." "This pill leaped out of my body, jumped into the water, and swam back." "Everybody on the boat hated me, because I was catching more with my bait than they were with theirs." ""Hey, I think they like those English muffin pieces." "Look at them go after that stream of apple juice."" " Hey, Laura." " Hi, Ben." " How you doing?" " Fine." "Good... you look well." "Thank you." "You look really well, yeah." "Does my voice sound booming to you, hmm?" "Do you recognize a healthy timbre, huh?" "I'm going to my big interview today." "I know." "Oh, my dad told you?" "Yeah, I'm gonna be a broadcaster." "I got the voice for it." "The thing about broadcasting..." "It's all in the voice." "Really?" "It's also a confidence game too, Laura." "I mean, you can't just go in there and..." "You gotta be firm and you gotta be sure." "My favorite people on the radio, of course, are the Morning zoo guys." "'Cause I'm more like an entertainer." "I mean, there's a lot of news out there, but that's not what people wanna hear." "You wanna be a broadcaster who just tells people what they wanna hear." "Well, I wanna be the guy that, at any point, in any conversation I'm having over the radio," "I can press a button and a wacky sound comes on, like "a-ba-doing."" ""Let's hear that one again!"" "Ba-doing!" "I'm getting older, Dr. Katz." "You know that." "We all are, everybody ages." "I sometimes wonder what kind of parent would I be." "I don't know." "Y'know, probably the father." "I'm practicing to be a father, though, 'cause I support a child in central America." "Really?" "I do, I send him $18 a month, and I write things on the checks, like "Go to your room."" ""Don't talk back to me, little mister."" "And my favorite one:" ""Hey, catch!"" "Yeah." "I didn't have a very strict Jewish upbringing, because I'm catholic." "My brother and I used to make a lot of money whenever it snowed, 'cause during big snowstorms we'd go over to somebody's house that wasn't shoveled and slip and fall and sue them." "I believe in ghosts." "I should tell you that, Dr. Katz." "You should know that about me." "I believe in ghosts." "I believe that for the first 18 years of my life my grandfather haunted the room upstairs." "Then my mother told me he lived there." ""That guy's alive?"" "Then we could do like a whole section on the news, but it would be jokey." "What's going on in Washington?" "Are those guys working for a living over there, or what?" "And I emphasize "or what," 'cause they're not." "Well, good luck." "How about that Europe?" "What are they doing over there?" "Are they crazy, or what?" ""Or what" would be my big... huh?" "Living with someone is really tough." "After the first six months of marriage," "I was still leaving my socks all over the place, and she was still bringing home guys." "Sure, it's an adjustment." "Yeah." "So high school was a really difficult time for you." "Was that right, Bill?" "Yeah, I think..." "I mean, I still owe some homework." "That's how bad it got." "And are you in touch with any of your old friends from high school?" "I wasn't very popular, I guess." "I don't know." "In my high school yearbook I was voted out of the yearbook." "One time I ran for senior class president and someone shot at me." "Actually, Laura, to be honest," "I'm doing this whole broadcast thing because I just wanna be the next guy who gets to go, "Gooooooooal!"" "Goal, goal, goal, goal, gooooooooal!"" " You know the soccer guy?" " Yeah." "The Spanish guy?" "Yeah, I wanna be that guy!" ""Gooooooooal!"" "I think he already is that guy." " Hey, dad." " Ben?" "Yeah, I can't talk long..." "I gotta save the voice." "How did it go?" "I just got through with the pre-interview." "I was actually a little thrown." "Well, you know, this is the pre-interview." "It's not the interview." "What kind of stuff did he ask you?" "Well, he opened with," ""What have you done prior to this?"" "And that really threw me." "Hey, that's none of his business." "I just didn't have a decent answer." "So I said, "Oh, this and that."" "That should hold him." "Yeah, he just didn't look thrilled with that." "Did he ask you for references?" " Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah." " And what did you do?" "I just listed some of my favorite broadcasters, you know, some of the old favorites." "Oliver Wendell Holmes." "All the best." "He said, "Do you have any experience?"" "And I said, "You know I do."" "You know, wink-wink." "Oh, dear, dad." "Yeah." "Why do I do this?" "I had an idea during the Gulf war, when tensions were so high, that if all the networks would agree just for one night to substitute the word "noodles" for "news."" "And you'd have guys saying," ""Hoping your noodles are good noodles."" ""And now..."" ""Good night and good noodles."" ""When we come back, more noodles."" "You see where I'm going with this?" "More noodles." ""Elsewhere in the noodles tonight..."" "Y'know, it would sort of..." "Yeah, it would lighten things up." "I'm not gonna mention that." "Don't." "I'm sorry I brought it up." "But if you do mention it, give me credit." "That's all I'm saying." "I'm just starting to think I don't have the voice for it." "No, Ben, you have a great voice for broadcasting, and I think, you know, don't talk yourself out of it." "Let them do that." "And think about a hook, you know." "All good broadcasters have a hook." "Walter Cronkite said, "That's the way it is."" "What about "No news is good news"?" "I don't think that'll fly." "Who said, "Good night and good news"?" "Dan rather said, "Good night and good news."" "Who said, "Good yontif"?" "What about this:" ""Good night, and seriously get some sleep"?" "I think that's good advice." "I'm not sure it's good broadcasting." "Who said, "Good night and I love you"?" "That was me, Ben." "Listen, you wanna get a drink after work?" "Hang out?" "No, I don't think you realize that would be..." "Let me try to explain this..." "Doc, you don't have to drink." "If you wanna smoke a joint or..." " No, you don't get it." " What are you saying?" "You're not coming out with me?" "I don't think I should." "Come on, please?" "Two guys like us, huh?" "Dom, if you were a friend and somebody I knew socially," "I would say, "Thank you very much." "I would be delighted to join you."" "Look, I know an all-male straight dancing place." "No tension, none of that sexual tension." "'Cause I was thinking, doc..." "I mean, maybe this is way out of line, but you know how these gays are getting married?" "Why can't straight guys get married, huh?" "I got a friend..." "Mitch Gilbert..." "He's a rich lawyer in New York." "Maybe I'd like to hook up with him, have him take care of me, huh?" "And we would encourage each other to cheat on each other." "And we would never ask about each other's feelings, and we would never care if we were home or not." "That would be a great marriage." "We'd have social security, tax write-offs and everything." "You know, that's not such a crazy idea." "Will you marry me?" "Please, marry me?" "No." "I'll take care of you, I'll make you happy." "Sure, you're saying that now but..." "Come on, doc, two straight guys..." "We can do it, we can make it work." "Please?" "Doc, look at this." "First of all, did you know I had this kind of extension?" "What's that?" "What letter?" "That looks like an "l"." "You got it, big boy." "All right, what's this?" "I am rounding myself off to a letter..." "An "o"." "Okay." "I know you went to college." "Where am I now?" "Got my legs spread in the air like..." "Come on, get me!" "Do you really wanna play this game?" "What is it?" "What letter?" "I'd say it's a "v"." "All right, what's this?" "Who's your little bird?" "What's that?" "That's an "e"." "You spelled out "love."" "How do I feel about Dr. Katz?" "Who's my main man, huh?" "Who's the guy that has brought me to this point in therapy where I can cry for no apparent reason?" "You have, Dr. Katz." "You know, sometimes I'll be happy and laughing, and then, all of a sudden, I just burst into tears." "And then I get violent and then I just get nauseous." "I don't think I should eat hot dogs before I go to bed." "You know where I go for pleasure, doc?" "The graveyard." "That's where I go." "To see my poor, deceased grandfather." ""Oh, yeah, you gotta eat your lard, boy,"" "he would also say." ""Have plenty of lard." "Bacon... make sure you eat bacon with your lard."" "Uh-huh." "My grandfather used to drive me crazy when I was a kid." "What would he say?" "My grandfather would smoke these El disgusto little muddy cigars." "He would have stubbles you could grate cheese on, stale stinky wine breath." "I was seven years old." "He wanted me to give him a kiss for a quarter." ""Hey, boy, come here." "Give grandpop a kiss, come here."" ""Grandpop, you gotta come up with some bucks for this kiss." "This is no small-change transaction." "We're talking endowment here, grandpop."" "His latest fantasy is to become a professional broadcaster." " Like an announcer?" " Yeah." "But he's excited about the audition, and I'm not trying to talk him out of it." "What, did he see an ad or something?" "They advertise on TV, this place." "It seems a little..." "Oh, yeah, I've seen those." "What's the word I'm looking for?" ""Suspect"?" "Yeah." "Ben said he was the only guy who auditioned who did not have a real serious speech impediment." "Oh, no!" "Did you ever have any show-business fantasies when you were younger, either of you?" "I had a strong desire to be the ringmaster." "You know, the guy..." ""Ladies and gentlemen!"" "I love that guy." "When I was 15, my parents took us to a circus, a small circus in the berkshires." "A small one?" "Yeah, a traveling circus, and they weren't doing well." "They had a low-budget freak show." "They had a two-headed tape deck." "Jeez." "Yeah, no fat lady." "They had a woman who was premenstrual, a little bloated." "They didn't have siamese twins." "They had two guys with a joint checking account." "They had a bearded man." "And outside the freak show..." "This is the thing that really got me..." "They had a guy outside who, for 10 bucks, would guess your temperature." "Ba-ding-dang." "You sound defeated, Ben." "I hate to hear you talk like that." "Well, I just think that..." "The guys before me..." "They went in, they looked confident, and then they came out smiling and they shook each other's hand." "It was just like the pamphlet." "Yeah, they work there, those guys, Ben." "Oh, really?" "Those are plants." "It is a scam." "I'm definitely going." "You know how I love a good scam." "I think I realized it was a scam when he said, "Talk into the broomstick."" "Oh, and, dad, I really knew it was a scam when afterwards they said for 1,500 bucks" "I could take the six-week course or for $2,000 I could just get the diploma." "For 2,500 bucks they threw in a set of speakers." "You know what I'm talking about?" "Scam city." " You're talking about..." " Scamville." " Y'know, Scamburg." " Scamarama." "The audition didn't go as well as I thought." "Ben, I'm sure it went much better than you thought." "Why are you being so contrary?" "I'm just trying to be supportive." "Y'know, you'd be surprised." "Sometimes when you're caught up in this thing, you can't really tell how well you're doing." "What reason do you have to believe that it wasn't going well?" " I can't read." " Oh, Ben." "You should have told me, Ben." "I was afraid to." "No, I'm kidding." "But within the text, they threw in a whole bunch of hard words." "That's not fair." "And then he said I had a problem with my hissing." "So I went to the dentist down the hall and, uh..." "So I had bridge work done." "I came back in, the hissing is gone." "That was $2,500." "Is that part of the tuition, though?" "The broadcasting school, they own everything." "Oh, they're very powerful people." "It doesn't end with just them." "Ben, you're never leaving the house again." "Doc, you know what cracks me up about boxing?" "What's that?" "The fighters... they try and kill each other, then they hug at the end." "What the hell is that about?" ""I'm gonna kill you..." bing!" ""I was so wrong about you." "Come here, hold me, come here." "Let me grind on you." "Let me pull down your trunks just to the top of the crack of your butt." "Hey, that don't make me gay or nothing, does it?" "I just wanted to let some of that stench out!"" "How come you never see boxers cry?" "How come you never see boxers..." "You know what I think the smart idea would be?" "Act like every punch hurts." "Then it would throw the opponent off." ""Ow... hey... ooh... ooh, that was a bad... ooh, hey!"" ""Hey, come on, not in the face, not in the face."" ""What are you, nuts?"" "Then bang, bang, bang..." "You know what I mean, doc?" "Oh, did I hurt you?" "I'm sorry." "Why do you play these games, dom?" "What's gonna come of it?" "What's in it for you?" "I really don't know what comes of any of these games, but I will say one thing." "Guess what you are..." "You're it!" "3, 6, 9, I resign, 3, 6, 9, I resign." "And you know what..." "It's so funny, because you, who thinks you're so mature, you hate being it, don't you?" "Oh, you hate being it, don't you, doc?" "And you know because it's a Friday, and you know what that means, you're gonna be it for the whole weekend, mister." "Why do you think this game extends outside the office?" "Because it does, because it's worldwide tag." "I called "No worldwide tag" when you came in." "You did?" "Our car keeps getting broken into." "Ten times we've had it broken into." "It's like they're picking on us." "The first time they broke in, they stole the radio, which is fine, 'cause that's what they do." "But then after that, there's nothing in the car to steal." "In fact, the last time was just a couple of weeks ago." "I was walking out of the house in the morning, and you could see the car and the two front doors are both a little bit open, and there's nothing in the car to steal." "Now I think they're just using the car to cut through, you know?" "It's like it's so easy to break into it's not worth going around." "They just go, "Hey, we can go through here."" "It's a shortcut." "Either that or it's some sort of theft-training-mobile, where they just sit in there with the new guy." "And go over things." "Whoops..." "Bill, you know what the music means." "Our time is up."