"Sit down please, gentlemen." "I want to brief you on this situation as soon as possible." " Where's Agent 86?" " He hasn't checked in yet." "We'll have to proceed without him." "We don't have much time, and I've already been fully briefed." "Can I check out some weapons?" "Oh, of course." "Use the special weapons closet." " Chief, who was that man?" " This mission is so important that even his number is top secret." " Is he new in CONTROL?" " No, he's from our European section." "Now, gentlemen, please listen carefully." "KAOS has cracked our universal code." "All secret communications will have to stop until a new code can be delivered to our communications center in Greenland." "Agent X has been selected to deliver that code." "Why him?" "Why not one of us?" "Because KAOS probably knows all of you." " We're counting on that to help us." " How?" "By seeing to it that they capture the wrong man." "Our real courier, Agent X-- a man whose face they're unfamiliar with-- will leave for Greenland with the new code tomorrow morning." "At the same time we'll be sending out another man as a decoy." "Exactly." "The decoy will be captured by KAOS and probably tortured, but that will give Agent X the time he needs to complete his mission." "I'm sorry I'm late, Chief, but I was stuck in the car" " for almost 20 minutes." " I know, 86, the traffic." "No, the seat belt." "I can never get that darn thing unbuckled." "Max, sit down." "I'll fill you in as we go along." "Right, Chief." "Gentlemen, we are now under special class-A top security." "We've got to do everything we can to protect Agent X." "KAOS will do everything they can to eliminate him." "( grunting )" " Max, you know who that is?" " He's probably a KAOS assassin" " out to get our Agent X." " Max, that's Agent X!" "( groaning unintelligably )" "He must be from our European section." "I can't understand a word he's saying." "Sorry about that." "( theme music playing )" "That's it, gentlemen." "If everything goes according to schedule, Agent X will reach Greenland with the new code at 5:00 PM tomorrow." "Good man Agent X." "Sucker for a right cross to the stomach, but good man." "Please, Max." "You four men are the only available agents." "One of you will have to act as a decoy." "What if KAOS finds out it's a decoy?" "What'll they do to him?" " They'll probably kill him." " Huh... talk about sore losers." "That's what makes this assignment so difficult for me." "I'm going to have to send one of you men on what may very well be a suicide mission." " Agent 58, are you married?" " Yes, sir." " Children?" " Four, sir." " Agent 58?" " I have three children, sir." " Agent 71?" " 17, sir." " What?" " I'm Agent 17, sir." "Oh... yes, of course." "I have two children." "I can't bring myself to pick a family man." "I'm asking for a volunteer, a man with no responsibilities, no wife, no children." "I hope there's someone standing behind me." "You know, Chief, you've got a lot to learn about asking for volunteers." "We did a study in depth on the subject of torture." "We found if you're familiarized with what you will have to undergo," " you'll be able to withstand it longer." " That makes sense." "Say, what is this thing over here?" "This is a rather primitive instrument, but it's very effective." "Put your wrist in here." " ( clicks )" " Ooh, I see what you mean." " That's very painful." " That's not it, Smart." "Just watch this." ""Don't wear wristwatch."" "Now do you see this chair?" "After the first few hours of torture, they'll ask you to sit down and relax in it for a while." " But that's only a trick, right?" " Exactly." "Watch this." ""Don't wear... new suit."" " Now if you step this way-- - that'll be enough, Carlson." "I get the idea." "Are you sure that KAOS has all these devices?" "Oh, yes, it's standard equipment for terrorist organizations." "Well, where did you get these?" "From the Bureau of Internal Revenue." "Before we go into my office," "I want you to know that it was bugged by KAOS a little while ago." "Right, Chief." "Bugged by KAOS?" "( softer ) Bugged by KAOS, but how could that happen, Chief?" "We let it happen." "We want them to listen in." "That's the way we're gonna trick them into believing that you are the new courier who's gonna deliver the new code." "Oh, I get you." "I get you." "While they're listening in, I very cleverly identify myself as the courier with the new code." "Exactly." "Now remember, Max, try to make it sound conversational and natural." "Don't worry about me, Chief." "I happen to be a pretty fair actor." "Sit down, 86." "Thank you, Chief of CONTROL." " This is a swell place you have here." " Thank you." "What did you want to see me about?" "The mission, Max." "Are you sure you have everything completely clear?" "( enunciating ) Yes, I have." "I will leave my house at 7:30 in the morning and proceed to the newsstand." " Then I will" " Do you have your airline ticket?" "Yes, I have." "And the new code?" "Yes, I will be having that in the secret pocket of my gray serge suit." "You'd better memorize it, Max." "We can't afford to let it get into the hands of those KAOS fiends." "Oh, I wouldn't say that, Chief." "Some of those KAOS fiends are probably nice, friendly, hardworking fellows like us." "Max, I will walk you to your car." "I mean, just because they're rivals is no need to call them fiends." ""Friendly, hardworking fellows like us"?" "If it's all the same to you, Chief." "I'd rather they weren't angry while they were torturing me." "Is there anything at all I can do for you tonight, Max?" "No, nothing at all, Chief." "Don't worry about me." "There's no torture invented that can make me crack." " I'm impervious to pain." " Good luck, Max." " Aah!" " What's the matter?" "Squeezed my pinkie." ""Cancel milk delivery, give Hugo the sweater, resign from Christmas club, make out last will and testament."" "( knocks on door )" " Who is it?" " 99:" "It's me, Max." "Oh, come on in, 99." " How have you been?" " Max, I just had to see you before... ( chokes up )" "Come on now, 99." "Cut that out." "Now stop it." "I'm sorry, Max." "It's just that we've had so little time together." "It couldn't be helped, 99." "After all, there are no holidays in the fight against evil." "You're so brave, so dedicated," " so wonderful." " I know." " Max..." " Look, 99, it's getting kind of late and I have a busy day ahead of me tomorrow." " I think you'd better run along now." " All right." "99, will you do me a favor?" " Return these deposit bottles for me." " Right." "Do you realize that we may never see each other again?" "Well, that's okay, 99." "It's only 12¢." "You can keep it." "13, are you there?" "No, I'm home, stretched out on a nice soft bed like a normal person." "Of course I'm here!" "Have you seen anybody around here that looks like a KAOS agent?" " No, I haven't." " What are you so grouchy about today?" "Because I didn't sleep a wink last night, that's why." "Every time I dozed off, somebody dropped garbage on me." "Will you please keep your voice down?" "How'd you like to spend 12 hours holding your breath?" "Listen, there are worse assignments than this." "I once knew an agent who was locked in a washing machine for three days." " That was me, 86!" " Yes, I forgot." "I came out so wrinkled, I had to iron my skin." "Would you stop complaining?" "I'm about to be captured by KAOS." "86, look-- over there at the magazine counter." "Guy in the trench coat, dark glasses, reading the magazine." "Could be a KAOS agent." "Report my capture to CONTROL headquarters immediately." "Good luck, 8-- ow!" "Sorry about that." " Morning, Hugo." " Little early, isn't it, Mr. Smart?" "Yes, well, I'm out on some secret business." "I wouldn't want this to get around, but I may have a date in Greenland." " Nosy character." " Well, you get all kinds." "By the way, Hugo, here's a little something for you in appreciation for letting me read my horoscope every morning." " A present." " Yes." "I won't be using it much longer." "It's brand-new." "Hey, it's beautiful." " Well, wear it in good health, Hugo." " Gee, thanks, Mr. Smart." "Oh, by the way, in connection with that secret business I was telling you about," "I may be gone for a few days, and I'd appreciate it if you'd pick up my mail." "The name is Smart, Maxwell Smart." "Capital "S," small "m,"" "small "a," small "r," small "t."" "Smart." "Like to look up your horoscope, Mr. Smart?" "Oh, thank you, Hugo." "Now let's see." ""Scorpio."" "Uh-huh." ""Good for business, meeting people and be prepared for surprises."" "Hugo, what happened?" "A little surprise from KAOS, Mr. Smart." "Of course." "The old gas-bomb-in-the-horoscope trick." "Come on." "Let's get going." "What makes you think I'm going with you?" "The old gun-in-the-hand trick." "Good trick." "Come on." "Well, that's the last time I ever give you a sweater." "Come on." "( knocks on door )" "Well?" "You didn't find the code." "We searched him thoroughly." "Nothing." "You looked in the secret pocket of his gray serge suit?" "Every inch of it." "Should I take Smart to the torture room now?" "There will be no torture." " What have you got against torture?" " In the first place, it makes too much noise." "We have more interesting methods." " No torture?" " No." "Bring Smart in here." "No torture." "I don't know what happened." "This used to be a fun outfit." "If all else fails, we will use the new serum." "Yes, I am most anxious to try it." "I don't care what you say or do," " I'm not talking." " We will see." "Sit down, Mr. Smart." "Well, you couldn't wait to get started, could you?" " What do you mean?" " You've already tortured my coat." "We have hours to go." "If Smart can only hold out till Agent X gets to Greenland." "Where's Agent X now?" "Changing planes in Newfoundland, sir." " You said that 10 minutes ago." " The plane's been delayed." " Delayed?" "What now?" " Problems with the movie projector." "Good grief." "Any word about poor Max, Chief?" "No, 99, not since Agent 13 reported his capture." "Oh, poor Max." "99, you keep saying the same thing over and over again." " Don't dwell on it." " Liftoff from Newfoundland." "It's about time. 99, why don't you get a cup of coffee?" "Right, Chief, but please let me know the minute you hear anything" " about poor Max." " I will, 99." "I wonder how he's doing." " Who, sir?" " Poor Max." "The new code, Mr. Smart, what is it?" "I'm not talking." "You can save us all a lot of trouble." "Trouble is my middle name." " Let's torture." " No, that is not necessary." "Mr. Smart is a reasonable man." "Are you not?" "I are not." "Perhaps you would like a cigarette." "I don't smoke." " A glass of water." " I don't drink." "There must be something you would like." "Greta?" "How about Greta?" "Suit yourself, but I'm not talking." "We shall see." "Greta... ( burlesque music playing )" " Well, Mr. Smart?" " I'm not talking." "I'm looking, but I'm not talking." " Anything?" " Headwinds over the Atlantic." "What's the estimated time of arrival?" "Still 5:00, sir." " All right, 99, say it." " I wonder how poor Max is, Chief." "What do you think, Carlson?" "He's been under torture for three hours now." "He's probably close to the breaking point." "If KAOS finds out he's merely a decoy, they can still intercept Agent X." "It's just a question of how much a man can take." "The code, Max." "Tell me the code." " Please..." " No, absolutely not." "Please." "No, you can torture me all you like, but the answer is still no." "Oh, Max, please tell me." "I don't want them to hurt you." "Tell me the code." "No no no." "Enough!" "Wait a minute." "I'll say when it's enough." "Quiet!" "We will use the serum." " Good good." " This is the second time this month" " you have failed." " Wait a minute, Kimmel." "I think Greta did a swell job." " Thank you, Max." " You're welcome, Greta." "You were supposed to hug him and kiss him, not get friendly." "Out!" "Untie him." "This is your last chance, Mr. Smart." "I'm not talking." "You may proceed, Seidlitz." "What's that?" "An injection, Mr. Smart." "I hate needles." "You will talk?" "No, I will faint." "What happens now?" "This serum is a modification of thiopental sodium." "It will make you talk." "You cannot help yourself." "You'll recite whatever you've committed to memory." "Good good." "So you see, Luden, we must progress with the times." " ( moans )" " Wait wait." " He's coming to." " Get ready to copy down the code." "We will now hear what's in the subconscious mind of Maxwell Smart." "Two times one is two." "Two times two is four." "Two times three is six." "Two times four is eight." "Two times five is 10." "Strange, very strange." "What is this?" "He's gone back too far." "He memorized that in his childhood." "But he will progress to the present very quickly." "Two times six is 12." "Two times seven is..." "Two times seven is... 14, stupid." "Two times seven is 14, stupid." "You and your serum." "Let's torture." "Right." "Notify security in Greenland." "I want an armored car waiting at the airport for Agent X." "If Smart cracks," "KAOS will be desperate to get that code." " How long now?" " Two hours and 28 minutes, sir." "Two times seven is..." "Two times seven is..." "Kimmel, Kimmel, I've got it." " What what what?" " This is no ordinary man." "This man is brilliant." "He's a genius." " What are you saying?" " He has trained himself so thoroughly, that even his subconscious comes out in code." "Red Rover, Red Rover." ""Red Rover," "Red Rover."" "...let Barney Kaufman come over." "Let Barney Kaufman come over." ""Let Barney Kaufman come over"?" "Yeah, now... if we transpose the vowels in "Red Rover" and substitute them for the consonants in "Barney Kaufman"" "You and your serum." "Let's torture." " What's happening?" " I'm having trouble with the reception." "KAOS may be jamming the frequency." " I keep getting is Lawrence Welk music." " KAOS has no mercy." "Wait a minute." "I've got Greenland now." "Control tower reports a perfect landing." " Good, now if" " Wait a minute." "There's more." "Agent X safely inside armored car." " Mission accomplished." " Oh, wow, what a relief." "Well, in a few moments CONTROL can resume normal communications" " throughout the world." " Now wait a minute, Chief." "What about Max?" " I'm sorry, 99." " Don't you talk about Max that way." " He's not dead." " 99, it's impossible." "No man can survive what they put him through." "We don't know that for sure, Chief." " I'm going to find out." " You're wasting your time." "If you don't go with me, I'll go alone." "No no, wait a minute." "I'll go with you, but you've got to prepare yourself for the worst." "He may have cracked under that torture." "He may have the mind of a four-year-old." "He's still be the same Max to me." "A, B, C, D, E, F..." " G. - ..." "G, H, I, J, K," "L, M, N, O..." "P." "This little piggy went to market equals x." "Then this little piggy who stayed home equals y, and this little piggy who had roast beef must equal z." "Stop!" "Stop everything!" " I was just" " Never mind what you was just." "Your brilliant genius is a fake, a decoy." "Word just came in." "CONTROL's new code has been delivered by the real messenger." "And you are responsible for our failure." "But I never knew a man who was so much in love with his childhood." "You know what you must do." " I do." " You will do the honorable thing." " I will." " ( gunshot )" "Luden, I am now in charge of KAOS." " Luden:" "What about him?" " Finish him off." " No torture?" " No." "( gunshot )" "Next time I say torture, maybe you'll listen." "Max-- oh, you're alive!" " I'm so happy!" " We didn't know what to expect, but 99 insisted we come for you." "That's all right, Chief." "You didn't have to do that." "I could have taken a cab back." "By the way, how did you know I was here?" "We just took a wild guess." "Max, what you did today will go down in CONTROL history." "I still can't believe you're alive." "I'm about the only one who is, outside of Luden here." "We'll take him down to CONTROL headquarters for questioning." "No torture?" " All right, hold it." "Nobody move!" " ( gunfire )" "Why don't you watch where you're shooting?" " I got him, didn't I?" " Yes, right through my sweater." "Max, I just want you to know that what you did today was very brave." "No, not really, 99." "It's only what any well-trained heroic agent" " would have done." " Do you really think so?" "99, everything that I believe in, everything that I hold sacred is based upon my belief in the honesty and nobility of my fellow agents, and that belief is unshakable, unarguable and incontrovertible." "Of course, I could be wrong." "Still, Max, I don't think there are many men that would have faced what you faced today." "Well, 99, in our business, we have to be prepared to face capture and torture." "But how can you be prepared for that, Max?" "Because, 99, pain is all in the mind." "It's all in the mind." "If you have control over your brain the way that I have control over my brain, then the body can feel no physical pain." " I see." " Mind if we don't talk about it?" " Why not?" " I'm getting a terrible headache." "Well, I'm off on vacation." "Oh, Max, two whole weeks." "I'm gonna miss you." "Well, two whole weeks isn't too long, 99." "Two whole weeks is only-- let's see-- there's seven days in a week." "Two times seven is, uh... two times seven is, uh..." "( theme music playing )"