"Ooh, the female reproductive system." " Kind of looks like the Chicago Bulls symbol." "It does." "Now, this is the only part that matters." "The money train." "Sure." "Hey, I call it my nine-to-five." "'Cause it's my job to work it." "You know what I'm saying?" "(laughter)" "The large intestine, you degenerates." "What?" "Let me see that." "I told Jess that I don't want to teach health." "I'm not good at it." "Such a hassle." "Studying, planning, giving weak kids good grades." "No." "I heard that." "There are good things, too." "Like you get to come with me to a dope two-day teaching conference in Palmdale." "I want to stay and hang out with the guys at Guys' Night." "What's Guys' Night?" "Oh, yeah, we're celebrating you being gone." "No offense." "Guys' Night!" "Guys' Night!" "Guys' Night!" "Guys' Night!" "The conference is gonna be really fun." "We just have to work from, like, 9:00 to 7:00." "And then after that it's a par-tay." "Until 10:00, when quiet hours are strictly enforced." "But before then we rage." "For three hours." "Actually, two because there's the half an hour of setup time and the half an hour of cleanup time because we have to actually be in bed at 10:00." "CECE:" "Ooh!" "Are you kidding me?" "Ryan is going?" "Ryan-Ryan?" "The guy you have a crazy crush on?" "I had a crush on him." "Principal Foster says that administrators can't date teachers." "It's forbidden." "That makes it so much hotter." "It makes it crazy hotter." "But, look, it's not just about Principal Foster." "This is about how I worked really hard to get to Vice Principal, and I'm not gonna let some British guy get in my way." "Some redcoat bastard." "That's why I keep all of our interactions strictly professional." "Hey." "How was your weekend?" "That's personal." "I can't risk learning any personal details about him." "What if he taught his dyslexic sister how to read?" "I can't know that." "I'll go crazy with lust." "My pants will turn to ash." "And so exactly how do you plan to avoid this man that you are trapped in the same hotel with?" "There are, like, a thousand porns that start that way." "Yeah, but no porns have teachers." "Every porn has a teacher." "Well, I'm not worried, okay?" "'Cause I'll probably never even see him." "Jess?" "Can you believe we're right next to each other?" "Hey, you guys want sangria?" "NICK:" "It's Guys' Night!" "Only beer!" "Yeah, what is this, Spain?" "Great sangria burn, man." "Really?" " Never let your guard down!" "Aah!" " Oh, takedown!" "Never let your guard down." "Well played." "All right, first up, we eat meat." "How much meat?" "!" "Then we take a fart nap." "Not for me." "Pass." "All right, guys, it's Guys' Night." "Let's think." " Okay." "Anything else we can't do when Jess is here." "Wow." "Look at that stretching." "I don't want to... make this sound too creepy, but I want to own those girls." "I wouldn't touch them." "They'd want for nothing." "But I would know they were there." "Stretching." "For me." " I want to French braid that girl hair." "I want to French braid that hair so good." "The third hottest one just waved at me." "Hello!" "Ah!" "Ooh!" " Oh, no." "Oh!" " No!" "No, no, no!" " Oh..." "Jess is gonna kill you." " Shoot!" "She's not gonna kill me." "I'm just gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna have it cleaned, I'll have it cleaned." "Schmidt, red wine sets." "Shut up, Winston!" "It sets." "Why don't you just wash it?" "Why don't I just what?" "Wash it." "Just wash the blanket." "Unless you can't." "Come on, man." "Get out of here." "I've known you for a lot of years and I've never seen you do laundry." "Never seen me do laundry..." "Get out of town." "Wait, wait." "Is that true?" "Come on, you guys, this is so..." "Really, this is silly." "Then do it." "Right now." "We'll watch." "Doing the laundry..." "It's no problemo." "Little bit of this." "What in the world...?" "Straining the soap." "Get that in there." "Back in there." "Um, okay." "And..." "That's it." "Laundry." "Can't..." "Oh, so silly." "Forgot to put the quarters in." "That's right, the quarters." "Schmidt..." "All right!" "I don't know how to do laundry!" "I knew it!" " Forget it." "Finally!" " That is insane!" "Hope you're happy." "Nerd." "Nerd." "Dud." "Lady nerd." "Goofus." "Virgin..." " Hey, Coach, I need you to be my buffer!" "Okay, but Nick can never find out about this." "Wait, what?" " Hmm?" "What?" " What are you talking about?" "What are you talking about?" "I need you to be my buffer between Ryan and me." "He's so sexy." "Really?" " Yeah." "That guy?" "Beautiful." "Did you make that?" "Looks like a Boys Department mannequin." "Yeah." "Hey, Jess, can I, um..." " Nope." "No time for chatting." "We have to sit down." "You can't sit there." "Coach likes to sit in the middle." "Mm-hmm." "I sit bitch or I don't sit at all." "(whispering):" "You're weird." "(whispering):" "You're weird." "COACH:" "You're a weirdo." "You're weird." "You're weird." " You're weird." "Shh." "I am education guru Brenda Brown." "COACH:" "Oh, no." "Who is this?" "She looks like one of those ladies who talks you into having a baby in a tub." "You." "The talker." "Mmm..." "Stand up." "Talk to us." "There were other people talking," "I just want to let you know that." "Why are you a teacher?" "Uh, 'cause my... my roommate made me." "Hmm." "What?" "I'm worried about you." "You're a worry." "Wor... why, why are you worried about me?" "Teaching is an awesome responsibility." "You are not prepared for it." "Sit down." "Okay." "Today, we will learn about our fellow educators, their hopes, their dreams, their bitter regrets." "The things they wish they'd said to their birth mother..." "So, partner up." "Will you be my partner?" "Mmm, sorry, I'm with Coach." "No, I can't do it." "I'm going to the bar." " What?" "Buffer out." "Buffer out." "No, buffer in." "Buffer in." "Buffer in." " Buffer out." "Everything okay here?" "Yeah, sorry." "My, um... my partner just left." "Or... did your partner just arrive?" "Oh." "Um..." "No..." "Wicked." "BRENDA:" "Everyone!" "Look at your partner, really look." "Take his or her hand and say," ""I'm excited!"" "I'm excited." " Oh, crap." "(knocking at door)" "We just came to say we're sorry." "Guess you think I'm pretty dim, huh?" "A man who can't do laundry." "You weren't born this way, were you?" "Born not knowing how to do laundry?" "Like everyone else?" "Yes, Winston, I was." "It wasn't till after birth that the trouble really began." "Here we go." "SCHMIDT:" "Nana wouldn't let me in the laundry room." "I think it's because my hands were always covered in butter." "And so I went to college unable to do laundry." "I'm making jean shorts!" "I'm doing laundry!" "Big night for both of us!" "Yeah, it is." "As I pulled out my maternity corduroys," "I spied a six-pack of Pi-Phis." "I need... um..." "I need them loose to keep... to keep my sperm count up." "You know how it is!" "Eventually, the window of time when it was acceptable to learn something so basic had closed." "I was an adult." "It was too late." "Well, I understand." "You know, I've never told anyone this, but, um..." "I don't know how to read a ruler." "I don't, I mean, how do you start?" "At the edge or the first tick?" "It's confusing to me." "Are you serious?" "Do you know how to count?" "It always gets on top of me, and I can't..." "'Cause then you should know how to use a ruler, you idiot!" "I'm an idiot?" "You can't even wash your own underwear, you dumbass." "Hey!" "They're both super easy!" "We're talking about laundry and a ruler!" "I'm gonna teach you guys right now!" "Let's go." "Each of you holds a stack of cards with questions for your partners." "You must uncover the answers." "Begin." "What gets you out of bed in the morning?" "Let me guess." "Your mother, who you live with, says," ""Ryan, your crumpets are getting cold."" "The thought that any ordinary day could be the day I look back on when I'm much older as being the best day of my life." "You?" "Same." "Don't look away." "Embrace the intimacy..." "I'm good." "Embrace the intimacy." "Okay." "You know, I think there's an art to a picnic basket." "Apricot jam would never go with a sesame cracker." "Of course it wouldn't, it would go with Yeah, it'd go with" "BOTH:" "a flaky baguette." "Duck, duck." "Okay, now step forward, step forward, another step forward; okay, go to your right, go to your right." "Do you scrapbook?" "On rainy days." "Step forward, go to your left;" "left, left." "Big step, that's it, big step;" "now come to me, another big step;" "come to me." "Do you own yarn?" "Spools of it." "I craft so much." "It's a left, and again come to me, come to me." "Yes." " Come to me." "Oh!" "(shouts)" " Oh!" "It's okay, I've got you." "We have a new record." "He's amazing." "I think he might be an angel sent down to Earth like Denzel Washington in The Preacher's Wife." "Oh, honey, okay, what can I do?" "In your purse, you will find a white envelope." "Okay, you, you wrote a letter to yourself, and stuck it in my purse?" "Read it, I need to hear it." ""Dear Jess," ""If you are reading this," ""it's because you're being an idiot" ""and developing feelings for your employee, you ballet-flat-wearing piece of Oregon trash."" "You are so right." "You are so right." ""To have intercourse with the first man" ""hired under your reign would be an insult to yourself and also..."" "This part's in caps." ""...all women everywhere." All women everywhere." ""Did you learn nothing from the movie Elizabeth, you stupid little bitch?"" "No one respects a queen who sleeps with her subjects." "I will paint my face white." "No man may have me." "Thank you, Cece." "You're welcome?" "Teaching is such a pain in the ass." "Isn't it?" "I'll tell you what," "I wouldn't give it up for anything." "You get to really impact those kids' lives." "I'm not gonna impact them, I'm just teaching health." ""Just health"?" "Hey, Carol." " Hey, Ned." "Oh, it's Carol." " Oh, hey, Carol." "Health is the most important subject." "Screw up, and they "just" get pregnant." "What's your safe sex lesson plan?" "I don't know!" "Uh, lie to them and say condoms feel good?" "Uh, maybe tell them about my buddy who's got bumps on his thing?" "Maybe bring up Magic Johnson." "Maybe bring up Kobe Bryant." "You're my best friend in the whole world, but I'm really worried about you." "You think the line is a suggestion?" "I don't know what it is..." "It isn't!" "Do it again." " It's too hard!" "Do it again!" "Okay, so you start with the first tick." "Oh..." "That's it, really." "Stop!" "That was at the line!" "That was perfect." "Now do it ten more times." "So in the beginning, you never mind the edge." "Yeah." "Man." "You got to hold on to it." "What about bleach?" "Let's walk before we can run, huh, pal?" "Hey, Winston, he's asking about bleach!" "(laughs) Man, that is way too soon." "Warm-warm, warm-cold..." "You got this, don't get flustered!" "Cold-cold, hot-cold, hot-hot?" "It's hot-hot!" "It's always warm-cold." "Well, what's "permanent press"?" "Fake button, nobody uses it." "Yeah, don't press that one." "(buzzing)" " The machine is buzzing, you didn't close it!" "What?" "!" "Yeah, I closed it!" "Who you gonna believe, me or the machine?" "!" "I'm gonna believe the machine!" "(grunts)" "This is bull!" "(buzzing stops)" "Damn it, you!" "We're so close." "Take ten and relax." "Nine-inch bottle." "Rappers be lying." "You told me to relax, so..." "Self-pleasure is the only thing that relaxes me." "Ugh." "Seriously, Schmidt?" "That is crass." "I don't want to hear it, I don't want to hear it." "So stupid." "Hey, you did it!" "You did it!" "Yes!" "Yes... yeah!" " (whoops)" " All right!" "That's what I'm talking about!" "Guys' Night!" "Hey." " Oh, hey." "I saved you a seat." " Oh!" "No." "I've been offered a seat at the higher-ups' table." "The tastemakers." "You're not invited." " Oh, I see." "You're back to avoiding me." "I'm not av..." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Yes, you do." "You've been avoiding me for weeks at school." "That's why I was so happy that we were finally getting a chance to," "I don't know, maybe get to know each other." "What, is this summer camp?" "We don't need to get to know each other." "What's your problem with me?" "Did I do something to offend you?" " Why do..." "I..." "I don't have a problem." "You have a problem with me." "(mimicking):" "I don't have a problem with you." "Yes, you do, you have a problem." "Do you have a problem?" "No, I don't have a problem." "Great, then we both don't have a problem." "We have a problem." "COACH:" "Hey, Jess!" "Buffer on the roof!" "(laughs)" "I'm freaking out." "Freakin', freakin' out." "Freak, freak, freak." "(dog barks)" "Is that a baby?" "I feel like I hear a baby." "All right, gentlemen-- bar crawl." "Man, look at this, I know how to do laundry!" "I feel like a new man." "Good, good, good." "There is no way for me to express my joy." "Except by telling you the width of my smile." "(giggles)" "(chuckles)" "I can't read it, somebody else read it." "No, I want to do it, I want to do it, hold on." "But I can't see, let me turn it... uh..." "You know what?" "To Nick." "What can't you do?" "A lot, you know, I can't say "Frebuary."" "(laughs) No one can!" "Frebuar..." "Febuar-ar..." "Feb.." "I... (babbles) Whatever." "Feb..." "February." "Yeah, it's February." "I can't say the alphabet unless I'm singing the song." "And I never learned how to love." "But enough about me..." "Guys' Night!" "Let's go, gentlemen." "WINSTON:" "Man, that is..." "that is heavy." "Hey, Nick, that's something we should talk about." "I mean, what are we gonna do, sit around all night and talk about love?" "(laughs)" "WINSTON AND SCHMIDT:" "¶ I want to know what love is ¶" "¶ I want you to show me ¶" "¶ Ooh... ¶" "¶ I want to know what love is ¶" "¶ Oh... ¶" "¶ And I want you to sh... ¶" "FOREIGNER:" "¶ I know you can show me ¶ Sad song." "Hey, buddy." "Hey!" "JESS:" "What's happening?" "I freaked out about the whole teaching health thing, and then I went and I-I got drunk with Ned..." "Neddy!" "And then I bet everybody in the bar that I could do a backflip off the roof, and that's what I came to do." "So..." "Hey, look, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey." "Uh, I..." " I totally understand how you're feeling." "Yeah?" "Does, uh, teaching scare the crap out of you, Jess?" "Well, it is my life's calling, so, no." " Exactly." "You don't get it." "I do." "What's up, player?" "It's the British dude." "This is my first time teaching, and I'm scared, too." "It's a terribly important job." "Yeah, but health is the most..." "(all gasping)" "I'm good." "Health is the most important subject on Earth." "Yes, it is important." "'Cause you know kids, they're always wanting to have sex with each other." "They don't know that it just feels good for a second and then you're sad." "And that's why we need someone great, someone strong, who the kids trust." "Okay." "Someone who can yell at them about chlamydia." "That does... that sounds like... like something Coach would do." "You can teach." " I can teach, guys!" "That's mostly what I was trying to tell you." "No one needs to worry about me anymore!" "No!" "(all screaming)" "Oh, my God." " I'll get him." "No." " Yes." "Don't do anything heroic right now." "Oh!" "(all gasp, exclaim)" "(gasping for air)" "(cheering)" "This guy's amazing." "NICK, WINSTON AND SCHMIDT:" "¶ Hello ¶" "¶ Is it me you're looking for?" "¶" "¶ I can see it in your... ¶" "I want to be the someone that somebody is looking for." "¶ In your smile... ¶ But what do I have to offer?" "Do not talk about yourself like that." "Come on, guys, what do I bring to the table?" "That's easy, man." "You're the cute one." "What?" " SCHMIDT:" "That's right." "Look, I'm the smart one," "Winston's the silly one," "Coach is the sports one, and you're the cute one." "Well, if I were so cute, then how come I can't find anyone to love?" "'Cause you're aiming too low." "Nick, my man, you don't find diamonds underground." "That's exactly where you find diamonds, Winston." "Let's..." "can we not..." "This is not about gems, okay?" "This is about Nick valuing himself enough to aim for the top." "Now, I-I've been to the top of the mountain, with Cece, and it was glorious up there." "And you know, one of these days-- could be tomorrow" "I'm gonna be a millionaire." "If I don't have Cece, then what do I have?" "You got a million dollars." "If I'm being honest, you guys, uh..." "I'm worried about being a cop." "Sure." " WINSTON:" "You know, what if I see something really bad and then it... it changes me?" "You know, it makes me lose my faith and then I become really bad?" "You guys really think I'm the cute one?" "You know what's not cute?" "Pretending that you don't know that you are." "Schmidt, this sangria is just delicious." "Thanks, man." "I'm jealous of that little orange in there." "It gets to just drink all the sangria it wants." "Yeah." "I'm probably gonna..." "I'm gonna eat the orange, too." "Guys' Night." "Guys' Night!" "(blowing)" "(whistles)" "(whistles)" "It's like instant world music." "(tones harmonizing)" "(laughing)" "Wait, shh." " Why "shh"?" "I think he's finally... (Coach snores) ...asleep." " Asleep." "(giggles)" "Cheers." "Chin-chin." "Um..." "Hey..." "I'm sorry." "I was a little bit of a jerk to you earlier." "No, it's fine." "I'm used to jerks." "I used to work in finance." "Oh!" "Finance!" "Mm-hmm." " Really?" "Why did you leave?" "I know this sounds silly, but I realized that the only time I'd been really happy in my life was teaching my little sister how to read." "She suffers from crippling dyslexia." "Oh, God!" " What?" "You're just..." "so perfect." "Well, it's more common than you might think." "No, you're like the most perfect person" "I've ever met." "And it's like you're an angel who's been sent down to the Earth, like... have you ever seen the movie The Preacher's Wife?" "Anyway, I just have this big, stupid crush on you." "I... didn't say that." "No, it's fine." "It's-it's... no." "Shouldn't have said..." "No." "I shouldn't have said that." "I'm sorry, um..." " I need a bucket." "Now!" "Um, you should go." "I need a bucket!" "(gags)" " Just go." "No, let me help, please." "Let me help." "No, just go, just go, just go." "COACH:" "Ugh, gettin' the mouth sweats." "Oh, I need a bucket!" " Just go." "Just go." "Just go." "Okay." "Why is there ice in here?" "More room..." " (sighs) ...for what's about to happen." "Oh, God." " Oh, my God!" "When I get home I'm hitting the books." "I am going to crush health." "Yeah, you are." " Yeah." "Ned!" "Let me get his contact before we leave." "What?" " Ned!" "I need details, bro!" "Hey, man." "Am I gonna get your e-mail?" "What's gonna happen here?" " Yeah, let's do it, let's do it." "Let's do it, let's do it." " Yeah." "At guhmail..." "you mean Gmail?" "Oh, is that how you say it?" "Um..." "(chuckles)" "Good morning." "Good morning." "Can I, um... talk to you about last night?" "No, I want to talk to you about last night, because I said some things, um, that don't reflect how I really feel about you." "Um... so I'd really appreciate it if you could strike them from the record." "It was the conference talking, not me." "Consider them struck." "Thank you." "Enjoy your Thanksgiving vacation." "It's, uh, an American holiday where we celebrate the fact that we... didn't know how to farm by ourselves." "Are you curious to know how I really feel about you?" "No." " Because if you were interested, I'd tell you that" "I won't enjoy my Thanksgiving because I won't get to see you every day." "I think you're beautiful and totally insane, and when I'm at work," "I can't focus, because I can't get you out of my head." "COACH:" "Hey." "Hey, uh, you guys want to stop on the way home and get some pancakes?" "Hey, what do you call them in England?" "Roundy-yums." "Really?" " No." "See you after the holidays." "Oh, boy." "You didn't see anything!" "Where'd your lipstick go?" "Hit 'em!" "Hit 'em!" " From the back." "Hit 'em!" " Ugh!" "It smells terrible in here!" "How many beers did you guys drink?" "So much." " Beer, beer!" "Lots of beer." "Just a lot of beer." "That's how beer smells." " So many beers." "(sniffs)" "Smells like sangria." "SCHMIDT:" "That must be the perfume from all the ladies we hooked up with." "Yeah." "Mm-hmm." " They were all Spaniards." "WINSTON:" "Mine was named" "Señorita Lucinda Madrid." "Say, how was the conference?" "It was just... a stupid... conference..." "So she finally hooked up with Ryan." "He put his teeth behind her teeth." "Aah!" "(sighs)" "Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God..." "What the hell did you guys do to my blanket?" "!" "Captioned by" " Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org"