"Good burrito, dad." "Good burrito to you." "Ha ha ha." "I guess that works with any type of Mexican food, doesn't it?" "Good nachos." "That actually means "Good night"." " I think, doesn't it?" " No." " In Spanish?" " No." "Dad, could you quiet down for a bit 'cause I'm trying to eat and watch TV at the same time and it gets confusing." " Okay." "Dad, are you sitting on the remote or something?" "No." "'Cause the TV's all flickery." "Actually, I am sitting on the remote, but I don't think I'm doing that." "Well, get off the remote 'cause..." "Okay." "I prefer it to be clear." "Here's... wait, here's the remote." "Dad, the screen is getting smaller." "Yeah, I don't think I'm doing that." " Gimme the remote." " Yeah." "And gimme your burrito." "I'm still hungry." "Y'know what's weird?" "Every time I take a bite of this thing the picture gets a little bit fuzzier." "Dad, there's no picture." "Well, I'm done." "Well, turn it on." "Turn it back on." "I didn't turn it off..." "Here's..." "Wait, what the... dad, the remote is not helping and this TV is plugged in." "Maybe you should give it mouth-to-mouth, Ben." "Ugh, let me give it a shot here." "Hold on." "Ow!" "I don't think that's working." "Let me get back here, hold on." "Give it another shot." "Let me wedge my way back here." "You know, why don't you pretend you're on TV?" "And I'll just look at the screen and I'll hear your voice." "Say, "Elsewhere in the news..."" "Dad, is the TV on?" " No." " Oh man." "This is the worst show I've ever seen," "I gotta tell ya that." "Dad, this can't be happening." "We, I have to retrace..." "Come on, baby!" "We have to retrace..." "Come on!" "Hey, Ben, Ben, Ben..." "Come on." "Ben, you need to let go." "Oh m... dad." " Ben." " This can still work." "Ben." "Dad, everything's connected." "Come here." "All the wires are connected." "Ben, it's time to say "Good..." "Clear!" " It's time to say "goodbye"." " Clear!" "Laura... my darling, my schmigel of love, my bistle of light, my everything to everybody..." "How are you today?" "I'm sorry, what was that?" "I thought I'd come in, like, with a bright entrance." "Y'know, instead of the neurotic crazy kinda... therapy thing that I do." "I thought I'd come in with like, that man thing," ""Hiya, baby cakes, how's my Laura?"" "What do you think of that?" "I don't like it." "Well, alright," "I-I... apparently I can't do anything right with you." "I have tried for years to..." "I don't even want a smile at this point." "I would settle for a smirk from you." "I am shooting for a smirk." "That's all I want from you." "I've smirked at you before." "That's right, you did." "I stand corrected." "As a matter of fact, I stand on my head." "Look at this." "Watch when I wave to you with my foot." "Nice, huh?" "Y'think I have too much hair on my toes for a man?" "You know what I realize?" "What's that, Dom?" "I have trouble letting' go of things." "Tell me about that." "Well, this whole Yoko thing." "It's just really starting to hit me now." "About, y'know, how she broke up the Beatles and my anger's coming out and I'm starting to boycott her songs and I'm, like, the only one there." "And, I don't know." "I-I have trouble even like, letting go of physical things." "Like, your nose." " Yo, doc, who's got it?" " Umm..." "Doesn't it look like a nose in my hand like that?" "It does, that's..." "Do you think that they would have stayed together if it wasn't for her?" "You're talking about John and Yoko again?" "No, the Beatles." "Why does that all of a sudden seem so important to you?" "I don't know, I just get things and they come up into my head and that's... and then I can't get rid of them, I obsess." " Yeah." " I obsess with a thought." "And then I obsess that I'm obsessing with a thought." "I wouldn't worry about it." "I don't think..." "Well, that's why I'm here." "I'm here not to worry." "You tell me not to worry about it." "That's your advice?" "That's what I come in here for all these friggin' years?" "To get that kind of advice..." "Not to worry about it..." "Thanks!" "You know, the guy at the newsstand could've told me not to worry about it." "You know, if the guy at the newsstand says to you "Don't worry about it", Dom..." "Mmm..." "You still gotta pay for the paper." "Oh." "And it is the same advice I'm giving you." "But when I say, "Don't worry about it"" "I'm drawing from my, my years of experience as a therapist." "Who, who was your first patient?" "Why... why is that important to you?" "Did he, I mean, is he gone?" "Did you tell him he graduated?" "He actually relocated." "He left you." "You wanna talk about it?" "No, I-I..." "No, but thank you for asking." "I'm sorry, I-I, I'm sorry." "No, I-I..." "Mind if I sit on your lap for a second?" "Just to relax." "Not in a gay way." "I guess that's all right." "I'm just gonna let myself go limp a little." "Ow!" "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that." "You ever wash these ears, doc?" "Jeesh." "Doc, you have an extra room in your house?" "I was thinking of moving in." " Is that inappropriate?" " Yes." "It's inappropriate, it's unavailable, and no, I don't have an extra room." "Well, I'm not sleeping with you." "I'll relax, I'll play ball." "I'll wrestle with you." "But I'm telling you right now." "You're not gonna get me in the sack." "I love when these people go, "May I be honest with you?"" "No, please be as misleading and as deceitful as possible, that's all I would ever expect from a lowlife scumbag like you." "I don't mean that in a bad way." "You're angry today, Dom." "Well... you know, doc, I'm not really angry per se." "I'm just in a very violent, hostile mood." "Well, my concern is just that-that you come in here every week and you release this anger and..." "Well, I'm thinking of taking Tae-Bo." "Is that true?" "Now-now, what-how does that work exactly?" "Well, it's great because you dance like a Broadway dancer..." "Mm-hmm." "With lethal blows." "So, it's like the best of both worlds." "You know, you could do like, "Annie get your gun"" "and still, like, knock everybody off the stage." "It-it's just my fantasy." "I would love to just like, start knocking dancers out." "Dad, I think it's pretty clear." "I've made it pretty clear to you that I need a TV." "I think we should get a new TV and I think tomorrow we can go out..." "Dad, we need a TV right now!" "We don't need a TV now, Ben." "We could get through the evening without a TV." "We've gotten through many evenings without a TV." "I'm all tight." "Well, we'll go out tomorrow night and, get one." "Well, why don't you take today off and we'll get it right now." "Ben, I have a lot of patients who are really depending on me today." "Like who?" "Well, the ones in my dependency group to start with." "Uh, they're dependents..." "Alright, fine." "We'll go tonight, then." "You know what, Ben, I can't go tonight." "I have, I have this seminar." "Well, dad, we gotta get one..." "Y'know what?" "If I come by your office today at noon," "I'll borrow your car and go over to..." "No, Ben, this is a..." "This is..." "The mall and pick up a TV." "It's a major purchase and we should do it together." "I'd like to have some input on this." "I'll fill you in as to what I'm going to get." "We'll... you just need to wait until tomorrow, Ben." "You need to be a little grown-up about this thing." "I am grown-up about it." "I just want the TV today." "Maybe you and I can go to this seminar together on this split-brain theory." "Oh please, I don't go to seminars, dad." "I actually think you would enjoy this one." "This is a guy..." "He has this theory that people with mental disorders..." "Actually it's because a war's going on between the two sides of their brain." "And he's designed these goggles that you wear..." " Really?" " Yeah." "You're serious?" "No, I'm serious." "They help the patient or the person get in touch with the sane side of their brain." "Mmm." "So they can put their insane side of their brain in perspective." "The downside is you have to wear goggles all the time." "Sounds like a far-fetched idea." "It has to be 'cause it costs forty bucks to get in." "Fifty bucks, to get a pair of goggles." "So, what d'you think?" "Does it sound interesting to you?" "What-what?" "I wasn't listening." "The the seminar." "Oh, about the two sides of the brain?" "Yeah." "And the goggles?" " Yeah." " No." " Okay." " Al Lubell is actually my stage name." " Mm-hmm." "Yes, Al Lubell is my stage..." "I chose the name Al Lubell." "Right." "And you may think it's two names." "It's not, it's one name." "Like Madonna." "Allubell, Allubell, Allubell." "The name that was given to me at birth is..." "Al Lubell." "That's my actual name:" "Al Lubell." "My stage name:" "Allubell." "You know how James Bond goes, "The name is Bond..." "James Bond."" "Yeah." "I was thinking, if I was a secret agent, I'd go," ""The name is Allubbel..." "Allubell."" "Was there ever a Mrs. Allubell in your life?" " I've never been married." " Mm-hmm." "And honestly, I'm not..." "I'm not excited about getting married." "I'm not... in fact, I don't think anyone is." "Well..." "Even newlyweds." "They're not excited about it." "That's why on their car, it says, "Just married"." "Actually, I'm scared to get married, y'know?" "Stand at that altar and go, "I do."" "The ultimate vow: "I do."" "I mean, I'm a totally indecisive person." "I'm always asking people for advice." "I'd get married if they'd reverse the vow." ""Do I?"" "Yeah." "I also have a big fear of aging." "There's a big part of me that doesn't want to accept the fact that I'm getting older." "Y'know, doesn't want to acknowledge the passage of time." "Right." "I mean, I'm 39 years old." "I can't believe just 30 years ago, I was 9." "I can't believe just 10 years ago, I was 29." "And you may say, "C'mon, just 10 years?" "Ten years is 10 years."" "But 10 years is not that long." "10 is not so much." "I mean, have you ever looked at your fingers and thought, "So many!"" " I'm 39 years old." " Mm-hmm." "I'm closer to 50, to 50 than to 22." "Right." "I'm closer to 60 than to 12." "60 than to 12." "And I'm scared of being 60 'cause, 60 is getting up there." " Yeah." "I mean, 'cause if you have a heart attack and die at 39, people are like, "Oh my god, oh no!" "He was only 39."" "But if you have a heart attack and die at 60, people are, like, "He was 60."" "People are always saying to me," ""Al, what are you so worried about death for?" "It's out of your control."" "Right." ""Enjoy the ride, Al."" "I mean, if you're driving your car down the street, and the road is wet." "And you got to stop short and you skid and you do a 360, are you gonna go, "Uhhhh!"" "Or are you gonna go, "It's out of my control." "Why worry about the crashing, enjoy the spin!"" "Alright, guys, that's fine." "Just bring it right through here..." "Don't worry about the door..." "Don't worry about the desk..." "Don't worry about the rug." "Rugs rip." "Okay, set it down right there, that's good." "Thanks, I'll..." "Take it from here, 'cause I know where to put it, and I don't want to trouble you guys..." "Lemme get it." "Here we go..." "Actually, maybe we should do it together." "If you guys want to stay and watch the big set with me, that's fine, I mean..." "Guys, could you put the door back on before you... guys?" "You took the door off, and now there's no door..." "I'll put it back on." "Todd, you're gonna love this." "What's that?" "This is a big day." " Really?" " Yeah." "I just acquired..." "Mm-hmm." " ...the big one." " Right." "The big baby." "Mr. Biggerton." "Professor Biggens." "What'd you buy, man?" "Dr. Big!" "Paging Dr. Big!" "Todd, I just bought a 72-inch television." "72 inches!" "This is like, bar-none, the best thing that's ever happened to me in my life." "How much did this thing set you back?" "Set who back?" "Whoever bought this." " How much did it set that person back?" " Oh, not... not me." "It set that person back a lot." "Wow." "Yeah, it was my father." "Your father bought you a 6-foot TV." "Well, I did the paperwork." "But, no, what this guy, has designed a pair of goggles because he maintains that, depending on who you are, one side of your brain is reasonable, and the other side is the more creative" "and usually is at war with the reasonable side of the brain." " Huh, this was a seminar you went to?" " Yeah." "I went to it because I'm on a mailing list, essentially." "Correct me if I'm wrong here, Katz, but the, uhh, the medulla oblongata..." "Hey, this is a family restaurant, please." "I love saying that:" "The medulla oblongata." "What, what about it?" "I just like saying it, that's all." "Alright, well..." "Years ago, before we know what we now know about the brain, which is not a lot." "Yeah." "They used to drill a hole in the skull..." "Oh, I heard that." "To permit the evil spirits to escape." "What they didn't realize is that other evil spirits were getting in." "And also, electric shock therapy used to be very popular." "Right, they still use that, huh?" "Well, it's called the death penalty, but it's really..." "Dad, c'mon in." "Take a look-see." "There... she... blows!" "Oh wait a minute, I'm sorry, thar she blows!" "Ben, wha-wha-what is this?" "What is going on here?" "Umm, it's a TV, dad." "I know it's a TV, but whose money bought that TV?" "Wha-what..." "Are you nuts?" "Dad, your hard-earned money bought it." "We cannot afford a TV that size." "Dad, there are simple answers to all these questions, but not now." "Can you shut the thing off for one second?" "Oh, it takes a while to shut down." "It's sort of a 5-minute shut-down process Ben." "And I just got the whole thing on, so let's leave it on." " I can't focus." " First of all, c'mere." " Stand right next to me." " No!" " No, c'mon." " Okay." "Put your arm around me." "Alright?" " I'm going to put my arm around you." " Okay." "Alright, now take two steps back with me." "Right." "Now look at her, huh?" "That is a very impressive piece of technology, Ben." "Dad, it is over three times the size of our last set." "I mean, you know the features this has?" "No, I-I don't know." "Well, let me list 'em off to you:" "Okay." "It has "TV talk"." "What is "TV talk"?" "I don't know." "What else does it have?" "It has a 3DYC digital comb filter." "And what is that?" "It means it cleans itself." " It's a self-cleaning TV?" " Yeah." "Of course it has the illuminated universal remote, which I'm holding in my hand here." "My... the hair on my arms is rising, from the static, I think." "It-it does, umm, supposedly, emit a stronger radiation than the normal 27-inch set." " Yeah." "Here's a good one for you:" "It has parental control." "What..." "lemme take the illuminated remote and whack you over the head with it." "Dad, I hope you're not upset about it." "No, no I'm not upset." "Dad, you said go buy the TV and I went and bought the TV." "Well, first of all, what did the set cost me?" "Oh, well, cost is not an issue." "Just enjoy!" "No, I just wanna know whether we can eat..." "Honestly, dad, you can't put a number figure on it." "I'm sure it couldn't have been more than $600." "Did you say, "I'm sure it couldn't have been more than 600"?" "Yes, I'm certain of that." "Huh, that's funny." "Ben, don't, don't torture me." "Just tell me the number." "Alright, fine." "Yup, what'd it cost?" "Um $2,200." "Arrggghh!" " Uhh!" " Dad." "Hang on one second..." "Where's my pacemaker?" "It's in your chest." "Ben, this is..." "We cannot spend..." "We can't spend $2,200 on anything!" "Dad, first of all, it took a lot of time and effort to get this thing in here." "And I'm certainly not gonna go through the time and effort to get it out." "Well, all I can say is, if this TV is still here when I wake up tomorrow morning, Ben," "I'll watch it!" " Hey, Dom?" " Yeah." "I think that we need to move back into the areas that make you uncomfortable." "Not that couch." "I don't want to sit on that couch again." "There's too many springs that go up my butt." "We started to make a little progress." "You were telling me about..." "Look at this tattoo I had put on my thigh." "Is that new?" "Yeah." "Can you read it?" ""To whom it may concern."" "Mmm." "Look at this other one." ""Going this way", huh?" "That's very clever." "Did you pay for that?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Well, not all at once." "Yeah." "Doc, what's your middle name?" "I'm not really sure that's an appropriate question, Dom." "I was weaving this flower thing for you." "What is your middle name?" "My middle name is Paul." " Is it really?" " Yup." "Wow, never guessed that." "What is, what is your middle name?" "Ahh, I don't want to talk about it." "It's ridiculous." "What is it?" "Orangutan Anus Hair." "Dominick John Orangutan Anus Hair Irrera." "You think it's silly, don't you?" "No, I don't think it's silly at all." "I think it's very unusual." "It's very unusual." ""Orangutan Anus Hair", they would call me." "I think that umm, you're trying to divert the conversation from you, again, to this fictitious world." "Am not!" "Am not!" "Dom, you know, you regress all you want." "I can't hear you, I can't hear you." "Daddy dat a dap dap, daddy dat a dap dap." "But I think that you have a hard time making..." "You had a hard time making the adjustment from child to adolescent." "And even more difficult from adolescent to adult." "Doc, do you like the smell of this flower?" "Ah!" "Oh, I can't believe you got me again." "What's that on your shirt?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Hey, hey!" "Hi, Laura." "Hi." "You must have heard about the new TV, huh?" "Yeah, I heard about it." "I mean, I was up 'till, like, 5:00 in the morning..." "Watching that thing." "And you know what?" "It never ceased to amaze me." "Mmm." "Y'know, when you sit close to that TV, it's like mind-blowing." "This morning when I got up" "I sat Indian-style right in front of it and I passed out." "You know, if the TV's so great, what are you doing here?" "Well, I mean, even I..." "Even a guy like me has to take breaks." "Plus you know my dad was a little upset about it and I wanted to come by and pay a little lip service to his problem." "He-he just wasn't particularly into it, especially, the cost of it and the size of it and how he felt it ruined the apartment." "Hey, dad!" "Hey, Laura, any calls or..." " Any messages?" " Hey, dad!" "Anything I should know about?" "Uh, no." "Okay." "Dad." " Hey, could you do me a favor, Laura?" " Yeah." "Can you ask Ben what he would like for dinner?" "Hello, dad." "Ben?" "Your father would like to know what you'd like for dinner." "Okay." "I see what you're doing, dad." "In fact, tell Ben that I think we can afford one chicken pot pie." "Dad, don't do this." " We could..." " He can't hear you, Ben." "Tell Ben we could, we could share one." "Would you like to share a chicken pot pie with your father this evening?" "Okay, fine." "Tell my dad that I'm not gonna play this game with him." "I'm going to talk directly to him." "I'm not gonna talk through you, okay?" "I can't tell him that." "Tell my dad" "I am not gonna talk through you to talk to him." "I don't have to just tell people whatever they want me to tell other people." "You have to do it for both people in order for this to work!" " No, I don't." " Yes, you do!" "Laura." "It's not a one-way deal!" "Laura, I think... you can't do it with my dad" "Laura... and then not do it with me." "You have my permission to tell me that if you want to." " I don't really want to." " Tell my dad thank you." "Okay, could you do it though?" "'Cause I think otherwise..." "Obviously it's not gonna work, Laura, if you don't do that." "Okay, umm, Ben said something sss..." "No, here's what I said." "And he got sss..." " Laura." " Something." "Laura, don't misconstrue what I'm saying here." "Laura, tell Ben not to get mad at you." "Ben, don't get mad at me." "You tell my dad I'm walking out!" "I'm walking out!" "And I'm keeping the TV, alright?" "Tell Ben not to leave in a huff." "Dad, seriously." " Dad." " He can't hear you." "Laura, please, just wait." " I'm having a..." " He's deaf to you." "I'm having a moment with my dad." "Tell Ben that I can't hear him while he owns that TV." " Dad, wait." "Wait, wait." " Wait!" " Ben, he can't hear you..." "While you own that TV." " Dad!" " Yeah?" "Look me in the eye..." "Ahh... ohh." "And tell Laura..." "To shut up!" " Hey, Ben." " Yes, dad?" "Thank you so much for doing the right thing." "I really..." "I'm proud of you and it makes me feel good." "I got your desk back in as you noticed." "Yup, I appreciate that." " The door's back on its hinges." " Yup." "We did scratch the floor up a little, but I mean that's not..." "Why did you get a TV smaller than the one we, we already had?" "I didn't." "That's the same size as the one we had." "No, we, we had a um..." "A what?" " A 27-inch." " Oh, really?" "Well, here's the manual, what does that say?" "Uh, twenty..." "Seven..." "Seven inch." "Yeah." "It just seems so," "I guess it seems small in comparison to the..." "Yeah, I guess you're right, it does." "Big screen TV." "You know what?" "We'll get used to it." "What's he doing?" "Is he taking out a gun or is that a pen?" "Well, that's a gun, dad." "Why don't you put on your glasses?" "I have my glasses on." "Oh." "I guess we can move the couch a little closer now and um..." "Maybe, maybe..." "Why do you wanna do that?" "So we can see the TV." "The place feels a bit lonely without the big one, doesn't it?" "It just feels, it feels like..." "Well, I guess it feels like it used to." "It's different watching this way." "Wait, which way?" "On a TV you can't really see." "Do you have any interest in going down to Big Bob's and getting the big screen TV back?" "I can't hear you," "I'm on my way to Big Bob's." "I remember, I went, uh, to the Grand Canyon." "They have these donkey rides." "They go down to the bottom of the Grand Canyon." "You make these ground descending circles on the donkeys 'til you get to the bottom." "What's amazing is they don't put up any railings or fences." "Nothing." "We're right on the edge." "I was just one little wrong donkey step from death." "One." "I said to the tour guide, "I'm really scared."" "He said to me, "Don't worry about it." ""No donkey has ever fallen before into the canyon."" "And it was really scary." "Every couple of minutes my donkey would turn his head and look down into the bottom of the canyon." "And I got really scared cause I thought, like, what if just one time he looks down and decides, "I'm mighty mule."" "I mean, I could be the first person to ever die from a donkey delusion." "I'm thinkin' a making a career change." "I'm gonna be honest with you." "Why is that?" "Well, because I-I-I..." "I'd like to play in a marching band." "I mean, I think that the idea, the glory and the..." "I want to be a musician." "Mm-hmm." "And I think the rock thing is fading and the whole thing..." "I'd like to play in a marching band." "I like the hat." "I like the high hat." "I like to wear a hat that's like, 4, 5 feet above my head." "And just stroll and maybe be a drum major." "Do you realize how far they can lean back without falling down?" "Nobody ever gives them credit for that." "Woops, you know what the music means, Dom, we're gonna have to stop." "Could you change that song?" "How long have I been coming here, the same song?" "Well, what'dya have in mind?" "Why don't ya play some mambo?" "Aahhhh... huhhh!"