"Morning." "Morning." "[WALDEN CLICKING HIS TONGUE]" "Oh, we got Maple Loops." "[SINGING] It's got oats and corn and wheat It's the sweetest breakfast treat" "It's maple, maple, maple-icious" "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Not a Maple Loops fan?" "Oh, no, I'm sorry." "It just, uh, threw me." "My brother wrote that jingle." "Get out of here." "He wrote Maple Loops?" "Yeah, he wrote lots of jingles." "Um, Maple Loops, Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets." "Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets?" "[SINGING] From the magic chocolate mountain" "There's a secret chocolate mine" "With Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets And a taste that's, oh, so fine" "Wow, that's a good memory." "What else?" "What else?" "Uh, well, there was, uh, Hammerstein Beer." "[SINGING] The girls look prettier With Hammerstein Beer" "You like what you see You like what you hear" "Grab a cold, frosty mug and pull her near" "'Cause the girls look prettier With Hammerstein Beer" "[IN NORMAL VOICE] I had no idea your brother was a freaking genius." "Well, he managed to live 44 years screwing everything that moved without catching a fatal venereal disease." "I suppose there's a form of genius in that." "You don't talk about him much." "Were you close?" "We were inseparable." "Why do you think we lived together for so long?" "Well, Berta says it's because you're a parasitic leech." "Admittedly that was one of his pet names for me, but not true." "He loved me and I loved him." "Oh, you remember this one?" "[SINGING] Bad stuff grows In the cracks of your toes" "But nobody knows like Toezene" "Like Toezene" "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Yeah, he said I inspired that one." "You miss him, don't you?" "Oh, of course I miss him." "I don't miss the smell of vomit and lubricant in the morning but I do miss him." "Oh, what about this one?" "[SINGING] I'm a pepper She's a pepper" "She's a pepper We're a pepper" "Wouldn't you like to be a pepper too?" "Uh, uh, no, Charlie didn't do that one." "Oh." "It's not that catchy anyway." "[SINGING] It's got oats and corn and wheat" "It's the sweetest breakfast treat" "It's" "It's maple, maple, maple-icious" "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Sorry." "You were being sad, weren't you?" "A little." "I can't tell you how many hours I watched my brother playing this piano." "Or passed out under it." "One time I walked in and he was having sex on top of it." "You can see where the young lady's ass print didn't quite wax out." "Maybe he should have used a coaster." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Oh." "New business idea: ass coasters." "We're here to pick up a piano." "Oh, right." "I forgot." "Um...." "[PLAYING PIANO]" "Hold on." "So I imagine you're anxious to get rid of some of these painful memories." "No, are you kidding me?" "I mean, this piano is practically all I have left of my brother." "Except for, you know, all the DNA he left on the couch." "On the floor and on the walls and the stairs." "But I'm not gonna clone him, so the piano's pretty much it." "Okay, we got a problem, then." "How so?" "Well, you know how I'm redecorating the house?" "I donated the piano to a music school for underprivileged kids." "What?" "How could you be so selfish?" "I'm sorry." "I'll just tell the kids they have to keep practicing on a painted slab of wood." "Oh, no, no." "You're right." "This should go to someone who'll benefit from it." "You sure?" "Yeah, yeah." "Let me just get Charlie's personal stuff out of here." "Oh, here's, uh, some of his unfinished music." "Um, panties." "Panties." "Panties." "Water pipe." "Oh." "Vibrator." "[BUZZES]" "So we're talking songs, thongs, bongs and schlongs." "If he had an autobiography, that would be the title." "There was a time when I'd have found these disgusting." "And now?" "There's a certain wistfulness mixed in with my revulsion." "[KNOCKING AT DOOR]" "Ready to go here?" "Uh, yeah, come on." "It's over here." "Thanks." "We would've had trouble finding it." "I changed my mind." "You can't have him." "Okay, Alan, Alan, what about the kids?" "Screw them." "We're gonna need another minute." "Oh, Charlie." "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "God, why?" "Why?" "Why?" "[ALAN SOBBING]" "White people." "Hello?" "Dad?" "ALAN:" "Right here." "Oh, hey." "Something's different." "Your uncle's piano is gone." "Oh, yeah." "Were we robbed?" "Yes, we're the latest victims of the piano thieves that have been plaguing the beach." "Damn, they got my good bong." "What?" "Man, that is so wrong." "No, it wasn't a robbery." "Walden's redecorating." "Cool." "You know, for some reason, your uncle's death is really starting to hit me." "I mean, I don't know if I was in deni-- What are you doing?" "Um, a toast to Uncle Charlie?" "Nice try." "You're not the only one who misses him, you know." "Really?" "You never talk about it." "I need a beer to loosen up." "Not gonna happen." "Now, come on, talk to me." "I don't know." "Uncle Charlie just never treated me like I was some stupid kid." "That's nice." "He treated me more like a stupid person." "Well, I know he loved you." "How come he didn't leave me anything?" "Well, you don't measure love by things." "I disagree." "Nothing says "l love you" like a Mercedes CL600." "Hey, the Mercedes was leased." "Is that all your uncle meant to you?" "A nice car?" "Of course not." "I learned a lot from him." "Like what?" "Well, let's see." "If it doesn't fit, don't force it." "It's always better to say sorry afterwards than ask for permission before." "And if it's burning, bleeding or oozing, go to see a doctor ASAP." "Oh, God." "But probably the most important thing I learned is by the time I'm his age, I wanna be married and have a family." "Really?" "Yeah, Uncle Charlie was very lonely, Dad." "Yeah." "Yeah, he was." "And I don't wanna be like him." "Well, good for you." "Of course, I don't wanna be like you either." "Even better." "By the way, do you have a number for this Dr. Asap?" "He's not listed anywhere." "What?" "I mean, I don't need him right now but I wanna have him on speed dial so if I do, I can get him as soon as possible." "ASAP?" "Yeah, him." "A-S-A-P?" "I know how to spell it, Dad." "I'm not an idiot." "Can I get you another appletini, Alan?" "Yes." "Uh, no, uh, make it a bourbon." "Since when do you drink bourbon?" "It's what my brother drank." "Yeah, but your brother knew how to drink." "I watched him." "You don't think I picked up a few things?" "Maybe." "It certainly wasn't women or checks." "Ah, there you are." "Oh, how'd you find me?" "Well, you're depressed." "When you're depressed, you drink." "When you drink, you come here." "If you were a fat guy, I would have gone to where they serve pies." "Hi there." "What can I get you?" "I will have a ginger ale, please." "One ginger ale coming right up." "Uh, I'm still waiting on that bourbon." "I've only got two hands." "Here you go." "Can I get you anything else?" "Slice of lime, peanuts, breakfast in bed?" "Thank you, I'm good." "Oh, I'm betting you are." "[ALAN CLEARS HIS THROAT]" "Don't be clearing your throat at me." "Here." "Thank you." "She's nice." "To you, sure." "You live in a world of nice." "That's because I'm nice to people and they're nice back." "It's because you're tall, rich and good-looking." "And nice." "Please." "That had nothing to do with it." "I mean, take my brother." "He wasn't nice." "But he had money and looks, so he always got a free pass." "Men wanted to be him and women wanted to be with him." "Actually a few of the men wanted to be with him too." "A couple of them actually succeeded, but that's a story for another day." "Well, cheers." "Hi." "Hi." "Who's your friend?" "He's a bloodthirsty psychopath with a panel van and a rag soaked in chloroform." "Hi, I'm Alicia." "I'm Walden." "[ALICIA GIGGLING]" "And then after he kills the women, he peels off their faces and uses them to make hand puppets." "Good night, Alan." "Good night, Alan." "Okay." "See you in the Dumpster." "[ALICIA GIGGLES]" "Man." "I couldn't score a woman like that if my semen cured cancer." "Oh, Charlie." "I'll bet you're up there watching and laughing your ass off." "You left a big hole down here, buddy." "And a lot of little ones." "I never told you this while you were still alive but I would have given anything to be like you." "Even for a day." "[DOG BARKS]" "Hey, there, big guy." "Where'd you come from?" "WOMAN:" "Douglas?" "Douglas, where are you, boy?" "Oh, up here." "Oh, pretty mommy." "Oh, there you are, Douglas." "I'm so sorry." "I hope he didn't bother you." "Not at all." "My favorite kind of dog." "Oh, you like labs?" "No, I like dogs that fetch me beautiful women." "Cute." "Is this your house?" "Uh, not exactly." "What do you mean?" "I mean, after we fall in love and get married, it'll be ours." "Wow, you don't waste any time, do you?" "Nope." "When I see what I want, I get right to the BS." "I'm Melanie." "Melanie Laughlin." "Oh, nice to meet you, Melanie." "I'm" "Charlie." "Charlie Harper." "That was fun." "Yeah, it was." "I was a little worried I wasn't gonna be able to get used to single life." "But this "casual sex with no commitment" stuff is kind of growing on me." "Wait, what?" "Thank you for the intercourse." "Bye-bye." "Well, Mr. Penis is happy." "Time to take care of Mr. Stomach." "Good morning." "Morning." "You are an incredible lover, Charlie Harper." "I believe if a gal's worth doing, she's worth doing well." "[LAUGHS]" "You're terrible." "Yes, I am." "Hey." "Can your dog hold a video camera?" "Berta, how do you feel about casual sex?" "I'm all for it." "Just let me finish the dishes and run a comb through my hair." "Morning." "Morning." "Morning." "What are you doing?" "Hair of the dog." "Oh, that one's not dog." "Bye." "Call me." "I will." "As soon as I remember your name." "Who was that?" "I just tapped a little strange last night." "[DOG BARKS]" "Which one did you tap?" "I'll give you a hint." "I didn't do the dog people-style." "It's walking like Zippy, but it sure ain't talking like Zippy." "I don't know him as well as you do." "Is he prone to mental breakdowns?" "Prone, no." "Eligible, certainly." "Whoa, look who's getting busy." "JAKE:" "Hey." "Mr. Harper, we were just making out." "Yeah, we all know what happens after making out:" "Making in-and-out." "Listen up, grasshoppers." "You know how they say that marijuana leads to harder drugs?" "Well, the same thing applies to the human tongue." "It leads to harder organs." "If you're not careful you'll wake up one morning with a big-headed bun in the oven." "No offense, Charlie Brown." "I'm begging you." "Please, leave." "Relax." "I'm just looking out for you." "Here, tell you what." "Take the young lady out for a nice dinner on me." "It's a dollar." "ALAN:" "You're welcome." "I think we have a problem." "Your father?" "Yeah." "He's acting like my Uncle Charlie." "He's even dressing like my Uncle Charlie." "The only thing left of my dad is his cheapness." "Well, Jake, he suffered a big loss." "People deal with that in different ways." "I mean, I still haven't processed the grief over my marriage ending." "I'm sure someday it'll hit me that the most important person in my life is gone." "My soul mate." "My best friend." "My lover." "In the meantime, you just carry on." "And you try to fill that void by having casual drunk sex with strange hot women that don't mind if you dance around in their panties." "Is everybody turning into Uncle Charlie?" "Ah, Cuban in one hand, Scotch in the other." "All I need is a French chick in my lap and I'm the United freaking Nations." "[KNOCKING AT DOOR]" "Got a minute?" "Uh, pretty busy, but okay." "Thanks." "All right, look." "People are really worried about you." "Hey, the only reason people are worried about me is because they can't wrap their heads around how cool I am." "Yeah, no, I don't think that's it." "Look, I know you miss your brother." "Ha, ha." "Miss my brother?" "That parasitic leech." "Not likely." "Hey, you remember that shrink that you sent me to?" "You should go see her." "What for?" "I'm fine." "What's your name?" "Charlie Harper." "You're not fine." "Well, I guess we'll have to agree to disagree." "I'll tell you what." "Why don't you get some rest maybe lick your finger, stick it in a light socket and we'll revisit this in the morning?" "You got it, big fella." "Who the hell was that?" "[SINGING] It's got oats and corn and wheat" "It's the sweetest breakfast treat" "It's maple" "[SINGING] Maple, maple, maple-icious" "Uh, what are you doing in here?" "What are you doing in here?" "It's my shower." "Once again, agree to disagree." "Okay, listen" "Whoa, nice penis." "You could paint a face on that thing and ride in the carpool lane." "Thank you." "Uh-oh." "What's going on down there?" "Call the cops." "I've been robbed." "ALAN:" "What a great idea." "You and me, Vegas." "Ha, ha." "Yep." "I am gonna show you a good time." "They love me in Vegas." "I'm sure they do." "Trust me, the name Charlie Harper opens a lot of doors." "And a lot of legs." "No kidding." "But be sure to wear a condom." "Not everything stays in Vegas." "Okay." "Well, here we are." "Really?" "Doesn't look like the Bellagio." "It's the, uh, back entrance." "Not the only back entrance we'll be using this weekend." "Am I right?" "Up top." "[LAUGHS]" "Hello, Mr. Harper." "If you could just come with us." "Uh, don't forget my bags." "Going to the presidential suite?" "Oh, yes, sir." "Slip them both a sawbuck." "I'll see you in the room." "Will do." "This way, Mr. Harper." "So who's playing the big room?" "Celine?" "Elton?" "I'm gonna want tickets, comped." "Uh, hello, concierge?" "Yes, um, this is Charlie Harper in the presidential suite." "Uh, I'm gonna need a bucket of ice, a bottle of Scotch and two Asian hookers." "You know what?" "They're small." "Make it three." "Yes, thanks." "[CLEARS THROAT]" "Winning." "[English" " US" " SDH]"