"Everyone, please take your seats." "You heard the bell." "You know what it means." "Last week the assignment was to write... an essay about your family." "Who they...?" "Aaaarrrre." "And what they...?" "Mean to us." "Excellent droning." "So I want everyone to take out their essays." "We're going to read them aloud to the class, right up here." ""My mom says that me and my dad..."" ""have very healthy appetites."" ""My mom and dad are very religious."" ""When they're in their bedroom at night, I always hear "em yelling, "Jesus!"'" ""My mom says my dad's eyes are brown..."" ""because he is so full of -..."" ""My brother Jack is in 8th grade."" ""He told me to ask my dad who he voted for for President."" "I did and my Dad said he's a total Bush-man." "That made my brother laugh hard." ""Whenever my Uncle Stu comes over to play pool with my dad,..."" ""my mom says the basement smells like a "Cheech and Chong' movie."" "Well...it's like this." "My dog ate my paper." "I checked, but he didn't poop it out." "What a lovely sentiment, Mister Etheridge." "Maybe your dog can eat the zero you'll be receiving too." "Oh, man!" "Miss Trinke'?" "It's your turn now." ""My dad says life can be split into two categories:" "New Jersey..."" "and New York." "My dad was a Jersey boy who became the youngest... and most successful music publicist in New York City." "By the time he was 27, he had 100 people working for him." "And even though they all loved him, he loved them even more." "My fellow flacks and spin-doctors." "Salud." "Daddy loved his job." "But not as much as he loved my mom." "Mommy was a book editor in New York City when her and Daddy met." "Daddy said theirjobs were kind of the same -... they made slight corrections for their clients." "Because George Michael is a pimp who is all about the ladies, my friend." "C'mon - "I Want Your Sex"?" "Does that sound like he's singing to a guy?" "Daddy worked so much that sometimes Mommy only saw him late at night." "Daddy says that's why they both loved the city so much - ... it never went to sleep." "And neither did him and Mommy." "But after a year of romance in New York City,..." "Daddy said it was time to show Mommy where he came from." "So he took her home to New Jersey... and put her through, what he said was, the biggest test their love would ever face:... introducing her to my Pop." "Hey, Pop, how're ya doin'?" "How're ya doin' yourself?" " This is Gertrude." " Hi." "Merry Christmas." "And what do you do, Mister Trinke'?" "Hey, easy on the Mister Trinke'." "It's Bart." "I work for the Borough for 30 years now." "You're looking at the only man in Highlands licensed to operate the street sweeper." "Man, I always wanted to ride in one of those things." "You continue seeing my son, I could probably get you a turn at the wheel." "Y'know, I was only gonna sleep with him a few more times and dump him,... but after an offer like that..." "Holy shit - listen to the mouth on this one!" "They don't make "em like Mom anymore, do they?" "Listen" " I'm goin' to the bar." "What a shock." "If you guys're gonna do anything while I'm gone, stay the hell offa my bed" "You're going to a bar?" "Didn't he tell ya?" "I'm an alcoholic." "I wanna go to the bar too." "You don't wanna go to this bar." "It's a bunch of old guys sittin' around talkin' about how good they had it under Kennedy." "The man was a goddamn saint." "I'm goin' to the bar with your dad." "You can come if you want." "No, I'll stay here and do the dishes." "I only cooked." "Why shouldn't I clean?" "Suit yourself." "But don't wash that pan." "I got a nice layer ofjuice built up for the pork roll, and I don't want you scrubbing' it off." "That "juice" is called grease, Dad." "It's bad for you." "It clogs your arteries." "It's called juice." "It greases a father's insides to help him swallow the shit his son feeds him twice a year,... when he can be bothered to come visit him." "So that night Daddy took Mommy to Pop's bar... where she got to meet Pop's other children - his best friends Greenie and Block." "Your kid's cuttin' the rug." "Who're you, Connie Chung?" "Daddy said, because Mommy survived her first trip to Jersey,... he knew she was a keeper." "He said they celebrated their engagement... by going out for pizza." "And that's how I got here." "Do we have enough of these at home or should I steal some?" "Put those away." "If you're gonna steal something, steal some rubber gloves." "Thank you!" "You're welcome!" "And with that, everyone lived happily ever after." "Almost." "You've got two minutes, and then we have to go." "Or I'm leaving." "Stop rushing me!" "I just don't understand how someone who had all day to get ready... waits till 20 before we have to leave!" "You try getting anything done with this big gut in your way!" "This is one of the few days of the year I can be fired for being late!" "Anytime you wanna carry this baby, let me know!" "I'd be glad to go back to wearing regular dresses instead of this tent!" "The dress looks fine." "Until I'm standing by Janet Jackson or Sheryl Crow." "Then you'll see how not fine it looks." "I asked you to use your own brush." "Can you not use my brush?" "Don't start, Ollie..." "Every time I wanna use my brush, I spend 15 minutes taking these long hairs out of it!" "I'm sorry." "Oh baby, I'm sorry." "You don't understand what it's like to be this fat!" "I've always been thin, and now I'm a disgusting pig!" "It's my first time going to the Video Music Awards and all the other girls are gonna be skinny... and I look like a whale!" "Oh, baby - they're just skinny "cause they're all coked-out whores." "I wanna be a coked-out whore!" "Okay, you can be a coked-out whore too." " I'm sorry, Ollie..." " I should be more sensitive." " I should be more sensitive, honey." "I know." " Yes." " Baby, we have to go now." " Okay." "I love you." "We have to go now." " I love you too." " Alright, let's go." "Just give me two minutes." "What time is it?" "Uh, twenty after." "She's gonna kill me." "Hey, I still need the quote for the Madonna release." "Okay, quote. "Madonna trusts the public ..."" ""will judge for itself that -..."" ""this latest in a long line of breakthrough music videos is not the tasteless sexploitation it's accused of being."" ""It's artistic expression." Unquote." "Of what?" "Of one woman's constant need to show the world... her labia." "Hey, can I use the word "labia" in a press release?" "One of these days, I'm gonna get me one of those husbands that actually show up for Lamaze." "I'm sorry, babe." "It was Madonna..." "So you were late because of another woman?" "That's nice." "C'mon." "I still gotta do my job." "And I still gotta do mine too." "But I was at Lamaze on time." "Look, all I'm saying is... that guy who used to spend all night at the office and barely live in his apartment?" "That's not you anymore." "Now you have to be the guy who's done by six... and comes home and hangs out with his family." "That's the only way we're gonna work." "Okay?" "Okay." ""Kay." ""Kay." ""Kay!" ""Kay." ""Kay." "Can I help you?" "Yes." "My wife's water broke." "She's gonna have a baby." "You're gonna have to check in then." "Check in?" "!" "Where - at the concierge desk?" "!" "Why are you being so combative with me?" "!" "First of all, take your hands off my uniform." "And, second, I'm gonna need a patient here." "This is my wife." "This is the belligerent nurse that's being so difficult with me, giving me such a hard time." "I'm sorry." "He's just a little panicky." "Can I get a wheelchair?" "Look let's get you up to delivery..." "Okay." "...and let him fill out the paperwork." "Okay." "If we can trust him with a pen." "Here, sweetie." "Okay, just relax, breathe, remember: take it easy." "I love you." "I'll be right there, okay?" "I love you." "I love you too." "Okay, I love you." "We've practiced it a thousand times, it'll be great." "How hard can it be?" "Push!" "Gertie..." " Good!" "You're doing good." " Okay..." "You're doing really good." " No, I can't!" "I can't do it!" " I need you to take a breath and..." "You can do it!" "You can do it!" "I know it hurts." " You can do it." " No, it hurts...it hurts!" " It's okay, baby." "Push." " Gertie - push for me!" "Come on, ready?" " You can do it." "You can do it." " Take a deep breath." "Take a deep breath." "In five, four,... three, two,..." " There you go, breathe..." " ...one..." "PUSH!" "Push harder, Gertie!" "Push harder!" "No " "The baby's crowning." "I can see her!" " I just need one more push from you, Gertie!" " Can you see her?" "!" "Holy shit!" "I can see the head!" "I can see the head!" "One more!" "Breathe!" " In five, four,..." " Push!" "It's almost there, baby!" " Push!" "You're doing it!" "Push!" " ...three, two, one..." "PUSH!" "Here she comes!" "Here she comes!" "Here she is!" "Do you wanna cut the cord, Dad?" "Yeah." "Scissors, please." "Yes!" "And she's got all ten fingers, ten toes." "We'll get her all cleaned up,... and then we're gonna check..." "Gertie?" "Gertie?" "Gertie!" "Gertie, can you hear me?" "NURSE!" " She's okay... hey...sweetheart?" " Get Doctor Mortimer, right away!" " She's just resting." " GERTIE!" "Who's Doctor Mortimer?" "Doctor Mortimer!" "Can you hear me?" "!" " What's happening?" " She's unresponsive." "Gertie!" "Babe?" "Gertie?" "Gertie!" "Gertie!" "Gertie, it's - !" "Gertie?" "Healthy baby." "Unresponsive." "Respiratory arrest." "FG." "Swing it around!" "What is happening to my wife?" "Let's open that IV, please." "Baby, are you okay?" "Sweetheart, sweetheart, wake up!" "Please, someone take Mister Trinke' outside." "Please!" "Wake up, baby, wake up!" "Gertie, wake up, my love." "Wake up." "Gertie, it's me." "Wake up." "Get off me!" "Gertie!" "I wanna stay with my wife!" "Gertie!" "Gertie!" "What's happening?" "!" "Somebody just tell me what is - !" "Ollie..." "Hey, if I don't get to go in there right now, I swear to God - !" "Ollie, Ollie...calm down..." "Fuck you, calm down!" "Okay?" "!" "I got dragged out of there!" "I haven't gotten to see my baby...!" "Your baby is fine." "She's healthy... she's normal." "Well, what's wrong with Gertie?" "What happened?" "I, I just..." "I need you to calm down before I " "Look, I'm calm!" "Okay?" "!" "I'm calm." "We think Gertie had an aneurysm." "Is she okay?" "We lost her, Ollie." "The strain of the contractions and the pushing must've caused the aneurysm to rupture." "There're rarely symptoms for aneurysms." "They're..." "You sure you're okay with this, Dad?" "What, okay?" "She's my granddaughter." "Yeah, you can stay with me any time, can't you?" "Yes, you can." "Until you're a teenager -... with the boys and the reefer." "Then I don't wanna know about you." "I wouldn't, uh, impose on you, you know, I just got a lot of work piled up from, uh,... before, and..." "I'll be back late tonight, okay?" "Yeah." "Take your time." "Your Daddy really misses your Mommy, kid." "I miss her too." "Especially right now." "Oh, Jesus!" "Yeah." "You wanted to see me, Ollie?" "Yeah, come on in." "I didn't think you were gonna be in this week." "How you doin', man?" "You, you alright?" "I'm fine." "Look..." "This piece in the Post." "Why didn't you call me when this broke?" "I had to read about it in New Jersey." "I covered it, Ollie." "It's cool." "The nurse is a fan." "Will she still be a fan when the Enquirer flashes a stack of fifties in her face?" "Listen, something like this breaks," "I'm not in the city, you find me or you find anotherjob." "Yeah, okay." "What else do we got?" "Um, Will Smith." "Who?" "The Fresh Prince?" ""DJ Jazzy Jeff and the "Fresh Prince" Fresh Prince?" "Yeah." "What about him?" "Well, uh, you remember the first album - uh, the one with "Girls Ain't Nothing But Trouble'?" ""Rock the House", right." "Well, uh, you remember on the cover of the album Jazzy Jeff is, is holding a model of a house?" "Vaguely." "Well, Will Smith is donating that house to the Hard Rock Café." "Well, stop the presses." "You put the word out yet?" "Date pending, yeah." "Anybody give a shit?" "Every outlet wants in." "You're kidding me?" "No." "Even U.S. News and World Report." "Why?" "It's an eight-year-old album." "Doesn't matter - everyone loves that "Fresh Prince" TV show." "He, he's got that movie coming out in a couple of weeks - uh, "Independence Day"." "Well then, kick it up to thirty." "Let the film division handle it." "No, we can't." "Uh, Will wants to keep his music career separate from his movie career." "Like the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" is ever gonna have a movie career." "Okay, get me everything you can." "I'll put together a press kit on him and, we'll just do it." "Okay." "Patty, get me Kirsch." "Sure, Ol-..." "You know, Ollie,..." "I can handle this, uh, Fresh Prince stuff if you wanna take a couple of days..." "Hey, Arthur, I can do my job." "I'm all set, okay?" "You do yourjob." "Go ahead." "Patty, did you not hear me?" "I asked you to please get Kirsch on the phone." " Ollie?" " I'm trying." "What, man?" "I, I know I told you at the funeral, but I'm really sorry..." "I'm fine!" "Okay, Arthur?" "!" "I am fine!" "Please go do what I asked you to do now!" "Kirschner on one." "Okay!" "Put him on the phone then!" "Hey, how's the baby?" "THE BABY IS FINE, ARTHUR!" "FORGET ABOUT THE BABY!" "I JUST WANNA DO MY JOB!" "Jesus Christ, Ollie!" "What the hell are you screamin' about?" "Patty, was that - ?" "Yeah, I'm working on that right now, Arthur." "Don't worry about that." "Just get there early and deal with the menu." "Okay?" "Hey!" "Are you deaf?" "The kid is cryin' up there." "Yeah, can you deal with that?" "I'm doing something important right here, Dad." "Okay?" "Thanks." "What the hell can be more important than your kid crying?" "I have a memorabilia donation ceremony in the morning... that my company's treating like a royal wedding because,... apparently, the client's the most beloved American musician since Elvis Presley." "Alright?" "The kid's been screaming for the last ten minutes." "If it bothers you so much, go up there and give her a bottle." "Okay?" "Sorry." "It's a nightmare trying to work in this house." "Um..." "Jesus!" "Let me call you back, okay?" "What, Dad?" "Listen, kid." "I lost a wife too." "Remember?" "So I get how you feel." "But, come on." "You were married for, what?" "Twenty years?" "I got about twenty minutes." "So you don't "get" how I'm feeling at all, okay?" "Well I'm sorry, Oliver, but that don't change the fact that you're a goddamn father now and you haven't acted like it since that kid got home from the hospital!" "I been callin' in sick for a month to do the things you're supposed to be doing!" "Jesus Christ - if Gertie could see the shit you've been pulling..." "Gertie doesn't see anything anymore, Dad." "She's dead." "Yeah, she's dead." "But you ain't." "And neither is that kid." "Yeah, it's nothin'." "Uh, alright, so I'm gonna do the kit - it's almost finished." "You'll be there and can deal with the menus." "Well, it sounds real good." "Dad - the baby's up!" "Dad!" "The baby needs to be fed!" "Dad!" "What the hell?" "Are you nuts?" "What, are you trying to get killed?" "!" "What are you doing?" "!" "Searching for Christ." "What does it look like I'm doin'?" "It would have been nice if you'd told me you were leaving the house, Dad!" "That way I could've given you the baby, instead of driving all the way down here!" "Now I'm gonna hit traffic!" "You ain't giving' me the baby." "Hey!" "Excuse me?" "I got uptown and downtown to do this morning." "You're on your own with the kid today." "What?" "!" "No!" "I, I have this press conference I have to do this morning, Dad!" "You know that!" "I got a job to do too." "This is not funny!" "I'm not kidding!" "If I don't leave right now..." "So leave!" "And do what with the baby?" "!" "Take her with you!" "God damn it!" "I " "Alright, look, I, I know I haven't been helping out that much with the baby..." "Listen to you - "Helping out that much with the baby." She's your daughter for Christ's sakes!" "Well, what the hell am I supposed to do with her?" "!" "Try acting like her father, shithead" "GODAMMMIT!" "Folks, I'm sorry..." "Sorry..." "Steve!" "What the - ?" "I ordered diapers!" "Did they get here yet?" "!" "You mean like baby diapers?" "Dude, why didn't you start this a half an hour ago?" "You shouldn't've waited for me!" "We're not waiting for you, we're waiting for Will." "Will's not here?" "!" "No." "Either of you guys..." "Trinket?" "Close enough." "Where is he?" "Uh, we're not sure." "Damn!" "That baby smells like shit." "You know that, right?" "You know, it's a good thing you finally showed up, man." "Uh, they're gettin' all rowdy out there." "They're just..." "Oh, Mother of God!" "What?" "Oh, Jesus..." "Ollie!" "Ollie, the guy from Rolling Stone" " Holy shit!" "What is that smell?" "!" "Oh, grow up, Susan!" "It's a dirty diaper!" "What did the Rolling Stone guy say?" "If we don't start in five minutes, they're leaving to go cover the Blues Traveler signing at Tower." "Jesus Christ!" "Hey, you're doing that wrong." "What?" "You're doing that wrong." "You're supposed to wipe front to back." "You're wiping back to front." "You do that, you're just wiping the poop into her... crevice." "Get outta here!" "Beat it!" "Mark my words: you're gonna give her the crotch-rot." " Would one of you do this?" "You do this" " Oh, not me." "No!" "Will you do this, please, so I can go out there and just calm them down?" " Why, because I'm a girl?" " Yes!" "I haven't even seen a naked baby." "No!" "Fine." "Thank you very much." "I'm gonna remember this" "How much of this am I supposed to use?" "Should I get that guy back?" "He sounded like he knew a lot about changing babies." "If it's for the smell, I suggest you use a lot." "Oouuh!" "You gotta turn, turn it." "Turn..." "Oh, you gotta turn the top!" "Oh!" "Direct it at the baby." "Thank you, Susan!" "Go out there, please, and tell them we're about to start!" "I, I'd say more." "That's a lot." "The Fresh Prince is almost here..." "Is that blow on your shirt?" "What do you think, Stretch?" "This is show business, right?" "That was a joke, people." "Where's the Fresh Prince?" "The Fresh Prince is on his way." "It's crying." "Will you take it?" "No, no!" "Is that Jazzy Jeff?" "This is bullshit!" "Where's the Fresh Prince?" "Will someone please shut that girl up?" "Enough with the "Romper Room"!" "Bring out the Fresh Prince!" "Fresh Prince!" "Fresh Prince!" "Please take her." "Give her to me!" "Would you people shut the hell up with the "Fresh Prince" already?" "!" "He's a two-bit TV actor who won't be around any longer than it takes for the ink to dry... on the pages of the worthless rags you jerk-offs write for!" "Shit..." "That guy's toast." "That's a hell of a quote." "It's alright, Arthur." "We won't be here too long, Dad." "We'll be out of your hair as soon as I get anotherjob." "I got some feelers out to the other firms." "As soon as this whole thing blows over..." "It's okay to stay here as long as you need to, till you get back on your feet." " I appreciate that." " On one condition." "Here we go..." "You put the kid to bed every night." " That's it?" " For starters." "And no whores." "I don't want no whores in my house." "I'm not really a whoremonger, Dad." "Here." "The kid gets this." "That's cute: 8 o'clock you both get a bottle." "Shut the hell up and go be a father, would ya?" "This is only temporary -... us living with your grandfather here." "So... how about that "Fresh Prince" thing?" "It was quite a show." "Your dad is one big horse's ass." "Daddy's ex-bosses said the guys who did PR for Hitler... have a better chance of working in this business again than Daddy does." "So ..." "How're you doin'?" "You kinda look like your mom." "More like a squishier, balder version of your mom." "I just wish you could've gotten to meet her." "I know she wanted to meet you -... in a big, bad way." "In a big, bad way." "Sometimes, Daddy wishes he'd've died instead of Mommy." "Because Mommy never would've let work get in the way... of getting to know you - like Daddy has for the last... month or so." "It's just that Daddy didn't expect Mommy... to leave the way she did." "It's really hard on Daddy - trying to fill up his days with work... so he wouldn't have to think about Mommy never being around again." "I just loved your mom so much." "She lit my world on fire." "When that happens, you think it'll go on like that... until one of you dies." "You just don't expect..." "I miss her so much." "You're a little piece of Mommy." "And that makes you really special to Daddy." "Just don't go anywhere." "You're the next best thing to Mommy, and I love you so much." "I'll always be here for you." "I'm sorry about the way I've been acting." "I promise you, I'll be better now." "I'm gonna be the best Daddy in the world." "Because that's what Mommy wanted." "That's what you deserve." "And that's all I am now." "I'm just your Dad." "Your dad likes to run off at the mouth sometimes." "Your mother wasn't a fan, either." "You wanna see a picture of your mom?" "I have it." "This is your mommy." "She's really pretty" "You can keep it." "Daddy's got a bunch." "Goodnight, Gertie." "Gertie!" "Your chariot awaits, Princess." "Let's go!" "How was school, good?" " You have a nice time?" " Yep." "Remember to put your seatbelt on." "Know where to find it?" "Lock and load." "Comin' around." "Get ready." " Ready?" " Punch it, Chewy!" "Can we go see "Cats"?" " Absolutely not." " Why?" ""Cats" was the 2nd-worst thing to happen to New York City." "Besides, it closed 3 years ago." "We never do anything cool." "You're ridin' in the Bat-mobile, aren't ya?" "How cool is that?" "Oh my god." "No one's more depressed than me... that driving the street sweeper is the height of excitement in my life." "I used to live in New York City." "I could've gone to see "Cats" 3 times a day." "It's not like I ever ask for anything." ""And the Oscar goes to Gertie Trinke',..."" ""for her performance in "Laying It On Thick for My Old Man'."" "What is it with you and "Cats" all of a sudden?" "I wanna sing a "Cats" song in the big show, like everyone else." " What big show?" " There's gonna be this big show at school... and all the people have to sing a song with people from their family." "Are you inviting me to this big show?" "Yeah - you and Pop too." "I'm sure that'll go over huge with your Pop." "Can Uncle Greenie and Uncle Block be in it too?" "Those men are not your Uncles." "They're barely even your peers." "Pee-ers?" "When is this big show?" "Before Thanksgiving break." "Does it have to be from The Bible?" "I don't think so." "Is "Cats" in The Bible?" "The Satanic Bible, yes." "What?" "When are you gonna take the kid to see "The Cats"?" "Jesus, you too?" "Gertie!" "Do you even know what "Cats" is?" " What, I don't read the papers?" " Not that paper." "What are you doing with a New York Times?" "They ran out of the Ledger." "They don't have the Jumble in the Times." "Shit." " Where were you?" " I was in the bathroom." "Why didn't I hear the toilet flush?" "I forgot." "March back upstairs and flush the toilet." "And when I say "no" about something -... like "Cats" maybe" " I mean no." "Pop, you were supposed to be subtle!" "Why do you teach her words like that?" "Hey, you have to mow the park tomorrow." "I can't do it." " Why the hell not?" " I have an appointment in the city at 1 1 o'clock." "Jesus - why do you keep doin' it to yourself?" "How many of these interviews you gotta go on before you get it through your head they don't want you in that business anymore?" "For Christ's sakes, you made fun of Prince Charles." "Thank you!" "First of all, Dad, I didn't "make fun" of anybody." "I made one remark about Will Smith, the Fresh Prince." "Sooner or later, everyone'll forget that and I'll go back to doing what I'm good at,... instead of sweeping streets, plowing snow, and picking up garbage." "If you're going into the city anyway, at least take the kid to see "The Cats"." "I'll tell you what - since there is no more "Cats" -..." "Come over here and pick out another play you wanna see." "Look through here." "Anything you want." "Go nuts." ""The Cats" is a show?" "Yeah, you read the papers." "You think you're slick, don'tcha, young lady?" "Next time you're lookin' for a partner in crime, aim higher than your grandfather." " He's a softie." " I heard that!" "Can we go see this show?" ""Sweeney Todd"?" "Do you know this has a lot of singing?" " It's still a play." " I'm just checking." "Your dad once lost a bet with someone at his work,... and he had to go see a singing play done by people on roller skates." " Cool!" " Your dad didn't think so." "I handled primarily recording artists,... but I initially trained in film PR, so I can do that too." "I took the last 6 or 7 years off." "I was raising my daughter in New Jersey." "But I kept abreast,..." "So I'm comfortable jumping back in." "What else can I tell you guys?" "I can start right away." "You guys all right?" "Are you the Ollie Trinke'?" "The one who used to work at Mandel/Kirschner?" "Yeah." "Yes!" "I told you, Reynolds!" "Pay up!" "I got it." "Am I missin' somethin'?" "Nah, he bet me you were the Ollie Trinke' who pulled "The Fresh Prince"." "They named it?" "Of course!" "Are you kidding?" "You're a legend, man!" "You did what every flack only dreams about doing!" "Which was...?" "You went ape-shit!" "You trashed your client back to the stone age!" "We bow to you, man!" "You're like a god around here!" " Yep." " Exactly." "God enough to get a job?" "No." " Are you insane?" " Not a chance, Trinke'!" "Pop, I'm home!" "Like I give a shit." "You know, thanks a lot, Pop!" "That's what it looks like?" "I guess." "What does yours look like?" "Not like that." "Lemme see." "Alright..." "Gertie!" "Time for Bryan to go home." "Okay..." "What are your intentions?" "Huh?" "What are your intentions with my daughter?" "Do you plan on marrying her?" "I dunno." "Only married boys and girls show each other their their... parts." "Okay?" "Okay, Bryan, you can go now." "If you come back, come back with a ring." "Yes, Mister Trinke'." " Bye, Gertie." " Bye." "Goodbye, Bryan." "Do you have any... questions about what you, you know, whatever, saw?" "Do you have what Bryan has?" "Yes, I have one...too." "Is yours as big as his?" "Sadly, yes." " Can we rent a movie?" " Yes." "So, they wouldn't give you a job?" "No." "But, apparently, Daddy's a legend." "You don't need thatjob anyway." "You already got a job." "Daddy used to have a job where a nightly shower was an option, not a necessity." "You know whatjob you should do?" "A dance teacher, like Johnny in "Dirty Dancing"." "Should I say, "Nobody puts Baby in a corner"?" "Can we rent "Dirty Dancing" again?" ""Dirty Dancing" ranks a notch below "Cats" in my book." "Can you pick out something else?" "Can we rent this?" "Absolutely not." "Go pick out something from the Children's section." " All those movies suck." " Watch your language." "I guess that's it." "I'll just take this and whatever the kid's getting." "So put it in the bag." "We're all set." ""Bi-Bi Guys." "Featuring Curious Jordie"?" "Interesting choice." "Does the wife know you're looking into your options?" " I got the wrong box by accident." " Right." "Would you mind exchanging that for something,... you know, anything that's..." " You want something..." " ...that's non-Bi." "Can I have your membership card, please?" "Yeah, sure." "Do you mind if I asked you a few questions about your renting practices?" " Sure" " Really?" "Do you always rent adult titles with your daughter in tow, or is this the first time?" "Excuse me?" "When you rent porn - do you usually do it with family around,... or is this a special occasion?" " Do I have to answer this?" " I'm a grad student." "I'm writing a thesis paper - "A Bird in the Hand:-"" ""The Family Man and The Pornographic Fixation"." "I would rather not take part." "Really?" "Frank, is "Bi-Bi Guys" a one or a two-night rental?" " What are you getting, Daddy?" " Yeah, what are you getting?" " Let's just take a look..." " Let's...not." "Would you mind not asking me those questions when my daughter's with me?" "How about when you bring these back?" "That's fine." "In an effort to get honest feedback,..." "I'd appreciate it if you left the kid and the wife at home." "My mom's dead." "She died when I was born." "I'm sorry." "I didn't..." "No - you didn't." "I'm sorry." "Mom!" "Do I have to?" "Major Damage didn't have to go to bed when he fought the Tiki Terrors!" "I'll get it." "You will not." "You're not even supposed to be up this late." "Watch your video." "Hi." "Hey!" "You're the lady from the video store." "Let's not use that term too loosely." "Go back and watch your video." "Yes?" "I just wanted to come here and tell you that I'm really sorry about earlier tonight." "I feel like shit about what I said and your daughter and everything." "You should." "That kid was crying in the car the whole way home." " Oh, no..." " No, I wasn't." "Get back inside and watch your video!" "Nice!" "Real nice." "Now you have to let me interview you for my paper." "Is that why you're here?" "I think you'd make one hell of an interesting case study." "The sympathetic widower who doesn't have time to date "cause he's raising his kid,... so he rents porn instead." "I think that's interesting stuff." "Jesus Christ!" "You've got some nerve, lady..." "Besides" " I'd like to make it up to you." "For what I said, and for embarrassing you before that." "You're really having a banner evening." "You're batting a thousand tonight." "You're Ollie, right?" "I'm Maya Harding." ""Hi, Maya." "Nice to meet you."" "Hi." "C'mon - let me take you out one day this week." "You do eat lunch when you're not knee-deep in adult movies?" "I appreciate it, but no thanks." "Ollie - you're ruining my karma level here" "Buying me one lunch is gonna square you with Krishna?" "Hare, Hare!" "Is Monday okay?" "Sound good?" "I mean, I was thinking nothing fancy." "I was thinking maybe like the diner." "Around noon?" "No!" "Noon it is!" "See you there." "Bye." "Incredibly strange woman." "I did not hear the toilet flush." "Thank you." "Can we get popcorn?" "This isn't the movies." "They don't sell popcorn here." "This is Broadway." "This is class." ""Goodbye, Joanna!"" ""You're gone and yet you're mine."" ""I'm fine, Joanna." "I'm fine!"" "Okay." "You see that floor." "Now look three windows in from the right." " See that window?" " Yeah." "That's where we lived before we lived with Pop." "We'd still live there if we lived in the city." " If Mommy was still alive?" " Yep." "Dad, do you miss Mommy?" "I do." "Every day." "What was she like?" "I've told you a million times what she was like." "I know, but I forget." "I don't think you forget." "I think you just like to hear me tell you." "Which is okay." "You can ask about your mommy as much as you want." "Then tell me already." "Well, she was pushy - like you were right then." "She was beautiful - like you are right now." "And she was smart... and strong - like you'll grow up to be one day." "I'm smart now." "I know." "I wasn't impugning your intelligence." "What's "im-pew-ning" mean?" "Not so smart now, are you?" " Well, that's a big word." " You're right." "Let's see. "To impugn" means "to criticize"." "So..." "Pop's always im-pew-nin you, right?" "He thinks he is." "But really, he's just talking to make sure he's still alive." "Pop is a very old man." "Well, what do you think?" "You like the city?" "It's okay." "But I like Highlands better." "You do?" "My school's there, and my friends..." "And we can rent movies there." "If memory serves, you can rent movies here too." "But not from that pretty lady at the video store." " You think she's pretty?" " Don't you?" "Isn't that why you're taking her on a date?" "It's not a date." "The only girl I take on dates is you." "This is a date." "We're on a date." "We are?" " It doesn't feel like a date." " It doesn't?" "Well, I can fix that." "Sir!" "So, question one:" "How often do you rent adult movies?" "Do I have to do this?" "You don't have anything to be ashamed about." "Interest in adult film can be healthy, as long as it's not habitual." "So c'mon - how often?" "3 or 4 times a week." "Maybe I was wrong." "You should be ashamed." "You have a talent for making a subject feel open and comfortable in a safe environment." "So you're renting it presumably to masturbate to, right?" "Good God..." "Don't be such a tight-ass." "We're all adults here." "I know I am." "How old are you, exactly?" "I'll be 26 in March." "And you still haven't learned there are some things you don't talk about in public?" "If it makes you feel any better, I do it, like, twice a day." "Good God!" "What can I tell ya?" "I get bored easily." "You're gonna get carpal tunnel syndrome." "Don't get all judgmental with me." "You're no slouch yourself." "I just have a healthy sexual appetite." "Well, why don't you go out and get yourself a boyfriend?" "Why don't you go out and get yourself a girlfriend?" "I work all day, I hang out with my kid at night." "So you'd rather hang out with your kid than get laid?" "Yeah." "That's kinda sweet." "I'm kinda crushing' on you right now, Trinke'." "Okay." "Can I go home now?" "No." "When was the last time you had sex?" "I'd rather not disclose that information." "Don't clam up on me now." "You'll remain anonymous in my paper." "Anonymity doesn't concern me." "Embarrassment does." "Why would you be embarrassed?" "Because it's been a long time." "How long?" "A long time." "C'mon, champ." "Own it." "Just put it out there." "I swear I won't make any editorial cracks about it." "Not in front of you, at least." "Seven years." "Seven years?" "Since my wife died." "You know, a dumbfounded, mouth-agape look of shock... might be construed as an editorial crack too." " I'm sorry." " I'm fine." "No, it's not." "Not at all." "With all due respect to your wife, you've gotta get back on the horse." "I don't, actually." "Yes, you do." "No" " I don't." " Get up." " Are we done?" "With this?" "For now." "But come with me." "Lord have mercy..." "Where are we going?" "To your place." "We're gonna have sex." "Did you forget something?" "Look, I appreciate the offer." "I'm flattered." "But I can't do this." "What's the matter?" "Don't you think I'm cute?" " Of course I think you're cute." " Well, then?" "I'm not celibate just because of my daughter." "There are a lot of emotional issues too." "My wife may be dead, I'm still very much in love with her." "I respect that." "I'm not telling you to fall in love with me here,... and I'm not trying to replace your wife." "I'm just talking about two consenting adults having some casual sex." "Probably some really short casual sex, with you being a little out of practice." "I can't do it, I'm sorry." "What're you, a monk?" "Let's look at this logically." "You rent porn and touch yourself..." "Would you lower your voice?" "If you're not sweating how your wife would feel about you and porn,... then you shouldn't sweat what I'm proposing, "cause it's the same thing." "Only someone else is doing the touching, and you're saving a $2 rental fee." "C'mon, Stud." "Man cannot live on porn alone." "Oh, God..." "I'm home!" "Pop?" "!" "Oh my God..." "Get in the bathroom!" "Pop?" "No, honey..." "It's me." "Daddy?" "Why aren't you at work?" "Because I had to come home and,... and take a shower." "Can we rent a movie?" "Sure." "As soon as I get done up here and dry off, I'll come down" ""Kay." "That was so close." "What do we do now?" "I'm wet." "Sorry, Dad" " I forgot again." "Hi, honey." "You remember Maya?" "From the video store?" "What are your intentions?" "Excuse me?" "What are your intentions with my father?" "Do you plan on marrying him?" "Because I was taught that only married girls show their girl parts to boys." "Right, Daddy?" "Uh...right." "Can we rent all the movies we want for free?" "What?" "Can we rent all the movies we want for free?" "Yes, yes!" "For God's sake, yes!" "If it means we're not, you know, in trouble anymore." "Right, Maya?" "Whatever you want." "It's on the house." "Even "Dirty Dancing"?" "Yeah." "And we can do "Sweeney Todd" for the show at school?" "What?" "We can do "Sweeney Todd" for the show at school?" "No, honey, that's too grown-up." "Really?" "Oh man, what am I gonna tell Pop about you guys?" "Fine." "We can do "Sweeney Todd" for the show at school." "Okay!" "Oh Jesus..." "You wearing' a towel?" "Just as long as you didn't do it on my bed." "It was one time in high school!" "You wanna let it go already?" "I banged a broad in my parents' bed once." "It was nice." "Terrific." "Just so you know, we didn't "bang"." "What'd ya get to, third base?" "Not that it's any of your business, but we didn't do anything." "We lost our heads for a second, then cooler heads prevailed and we stopped,..." " before we did anything we'd regret." " The kid busted in on "em." "Let's talk about something else for a second, like this water main." " How bad is it?" " Definitely needs to be replaced." "Jesus Christ." "We shut down Bay Avenue for that, this town is gonna throw a shit fit." "I'm sure." "Hey kid - you haven't had to inconvenience the taxpayers on the job yet." "They get like animals. "Member back in '88?" "South Peak Street." "Holy shit, I thought they were gonna crucify us upside down." "Like Saint Peter." "Who're you, the Holy Father?" "Everyone knows I meant Saint Peter." " You don't have to explain my shit." " I was just saying." "When I was down there, how many cars'd you wave around?" "3 or 4." "3 or 4 cars for the half hour I was down there?" "It was rush hour." "I don't think the legion of commuters in the Highlands of New Jersey... will object to us closing down a small portion of Bay Avenue for a few days" "You were saying?" "Why doesn't somebody just go up there and explain to them what's actually happening?" "Why don't you do it, Daddy?" "Wasn't that your old job?" "Making people like singers by saying nice things about "em?" "Yes, but..." "The kid's got a point there." "As a guy who used to sling bullshit for a living,..." "I nominate you to go up there and say something." "You do?" "It can't hurt." "Go ahead." "Thanks, Pop." "He's goin' up there." "Folks." "One second please, folks." "My name's Oliver Trinke'." "I'm with the Borough." "I guess that makes me the least popular guy in the room." "I want to assure you that this Bay Avenue job... will be a very minimal inconvenience - it'll take 3 days, at the most." "Bullshit!" "Folks, please!" "A little decorum!" "Folks..." "I just have one more thing I want to add." "Look, I live in this town." "I see you guys heading' to work every day." "...so you make us do it at an ungodly hour of the morning." "I'm telling you, it was amazing!" "I get up there and I weave this web of bullshit so profoundly mesmerizing,..." "I turn the entire place around!" "You silver-tongued devil." "Everything I was saying was right on the money." "Maybe you weren't slinging as much bullshit as you thought you were." ""Get out there and play in the dirt"?" "I made that up!" "Sounds good to me." "The sad thing is, I had a greater sense of accomplishment in the water-main thing... than anything else I've done in the past 7 years." "I get it." "You set out to do something and you did it." "So you feel drunk with power now." "I was the youngest flack ever put in charge of its entire division in the..." " ...history of Mandel/Kirschner." "I know." " That's an accomplishment." "Convincing a town to approve something that's in their best interest?" " That's just delayed common sense." " Yeah, but that's your life now." "Being the youngest flack in the history of blah, blah, blah - that's not you anymore." "That might never've been you." "Oh, it was me." "Me with my own apartment, me richer, me with more self-respect." "Like it or not, this is you." "Forget about what you thought you were, and accept who you are." "I guess I'll get this." "What are you doing?" "I distinctly remember your father telling you you could get "Dirty Dancing"." "Oh, yeah!" "He did!" "Thanks for that, by the way." "Incidentally, she's been asking me when she's gonna grow boobies like yours." "She's 7." "If you want, I can give her the "boobie" talk my mom gave me when I was a kid." "Does that talk include using the word "knockers"?" "I'm glad there's no awkwardness between us." "After the thing that happened last week..." "Ollie, I was gonna give you a mercy jump." "The moment passed." "It's no big deal." "Just friends, right?" "Friends." ""Mercy jump."" "Stay away from my kid." "Would you shut the hell up?" "!" "There's people gettin' their throats cut in this thing." "Yep." "And your father said you could do this for the show?" "Yep." "Why the hell would he okay you singing this shit?" "Because I saw him and Maya naked in the shower." "That'll do it." "Can I speak with an Arthur Brickman, please?" "Ollie..." "Arthur..." " How're you doin'?" " Good." "How are you?" " Good." "Good to see you." "I tell ya." " Good to see you." "The town voted unanimously and approved the water main." "You were always great with a crowd." "Except that once, of course." "But that's it." "It was the polar opposite of the Fresh Prince Incident." "I was in the top of my game." "Which is why I wanted to see ya." "I wanna ask you a favor." "Anything." "What?" "Is there any way you could get me an interview with your firm?" "You're serious?" "I thought it was weird you wanted to eat here..." "I know it's gonna be tough..." "Ollie, you called a roomful of press a bunch ofjerk-offs... and trashed a client who's one of the biggest movie stars on the planet." " He wasn't big then..." " But he is now." "You wanna know how big?" "When I left Mandel/Kirschner,... some firms wouldn't even look at my resume because,... no offense...but because I worked under you." "I've only been at Angellotti a year now..." "Y'know what, man?" "Forget I asked." "Don't worry about it." "Seriously, it was stupid." "I got carried away." "Let me finish." "What I was gonna say was..." "I've been waiting years to be in a position to be able to help you out." "And now I am." "It's not gonna be an easy sell, but..." "I think I can get you in a room with Angellotti himself." "Thank you so much!" " Of course." "You're a lot more affectionate than I remember." "It's just..." "I miss it so much." "It's the only thing I was ever any good at." "This is great." "I can move back here,..." "I can put Gertie in a really good, expensive private school,..." "I can get her a nanny." "It'll be like that Fresh Prince thing never happened." "Well, I'll work on the Old Man when I get back to the office... and I'll call you tonight if it's a go." "Great." ""Excuse me!" "Dear, see to the customers!"" ""Guess what's the..."" " "Quick now!" - "My heart's a-flutter!"" ""When I pound the floor!"" ""When you pound the floor!"" " "It's a signal to show I'm ready to go!" - "Yes, you told me, I know!"" ""When you pound the floor!"" "I have to get the phone." "C'mon, Pop!" "Do Dad's part." "Me?" "Yeah." "Hello?" "Hey, Arthur." "You're kidding?" ""I'll pound three times!" "Three times..."" "Why do I have to sing your dad's part?" "I'm supposed to be the guy who gets clipped." "You are." "But you're Dad's understudy too." "What the hell is that?" "It means if Daddy breaks a leg, you do his part for him." "C'mon, try it again." " "I'll pound three times..." -"Three times!"" "Wait a minute!" "Wait!" "I'm supposed to be the understudy now!" "I cannot work like this!" "I'm sorry!" "This is no way to run a show." "You were good." "You can go back to waiting' in the wings, Tommy Tune." "I'll be doin' my own singing henceforth." "Who's Tommy Tune?" "Tommy Tune is a man that you can get a chance to see live and on Broadway... when we move back to New York City!" " What?" " What?" "Yeah - what?" "I was on the phone with an old friend I worked with at Mandel/Kirschner." "We had lunch today and I asked him to get me an interview with his new firm" "Jesus, another interview." "When're you gonna learn?" "Well, Smart Guy, he just called me, said he sat down with his boss -... sold me to him like I was the cure for cancer." "And itjust so happens that a spot has opened up in their music department." "After 6 years of being a pariah, I'm gonna get back in!" "I'm talkin' no more street sweeper, no more picking' up garbage, and no more water main!" "I'm talking press lines, and parties, and a West-Side address!" "I'm talkin' about a good school for Gertie!" "I already go to a good school." "Yes, but you're gonna go to a way better school in New York City." "And you'll get to take the subway to school." "Won't that be fun?" "But the subway's full ofjunkies and mole-men." "Well they are." "Don't listen to Pop." "He makes things up!" "The subways are great." "I don't wanna see." "I don't wanna go to school up in the city." "I wanna go to my school." "Honey, it's gonna be too far of a drive for me to come back down here... to take you to school in New Jersey every morning." "So let's not move to the city." "Let's stay here with Pop." "Sweetheart, I'm too old to be living with my father." "I need to get my own place." "And Pop - he's a mad-dog." "He doesn't want us here gettin' in his way, cramping' his style..." "Do you, Pop?" "That's all horseshit." "Y'know...thanks." "I don't wanna move to the city!" "I like it here." "Pop says you can live here as long as you want." "Remember when I took you to see "Sweeney Todd"?" "How much fun was that?" "We had a good time, right?" "If we move to New York City, we can do that every night!" "Except for the nights you're working, of course." "Why don't you shut up?" "I'm trying to talk to my daughter." "You love New York City." "You told me you loved it." "No, I didn't." "I said it was okay." "I said I like Highlands better." "Why would you want some otherjob anyway?" "You get to ride the Bat-mobile!" "Daddy doesn't wanna drive the Bat-mobile!" "Daddy wants to eat sushi, and hail cabs!" "Daddy wants to have a doorman, and lord it over magazine editors!" "Daddy loved his old job, and he's missed it every day since he's been gone." "Daddy wants to do thatjob." "He doesn't wanna pick up garbage for the rest of his life!" "You told everyone at the meeting yourjob's great because you don't have to wear a suit." "Daddy was just saying that to get them to say "yes' to a water main." "So you were lying to everyone?" "!" "Okay, I'll tell you what:..." "I'll go to the meeting and if I don't like what the man says, I won't take the job." "Now you're lying to me!" "I'm going to this job interview on Monday, whether you like it or not!" " Wait - this Monday?" " Yes." " You can't go on Monday." " Why?" "That's the day of my show!" "Oh, shit." "It is, isn't it?" "Well, it's at 4:00, so I can make it back in time." "My show's at 5:00!" "On what planet'll you get back by 5:00 if you've got a meeting in the city at 4:00?" "Just lay off me for a second!" "I forgot about the show!" "How could you forget?" "!" "What're you, stupid?" "!" "Gertie, this job is important to Daddy." "What about my show?" "Isn't that important to you?" "!" "That's more important to me." "Then don't go to your stupid meeting about your stupid newjob in the stupid city!" "That's enough!" "I don't even want you in the show anymore!" "You're not a good Sweeney Todd anyway." "Pop's way better!" " Even Uncle Greenie and Uncle Block are better!" " Those men are not your Uncles!" "But we're good enough to build sets for her show, right?" "Where're you going?" "I don't wanna be around you!" "I don't even want you to come to the show to watch it!" " Oh, come on!" " I don't!" "You're not allowed to come, "cause I don't even like you anymore!" "Get back here, young lady!" "I'm talkin' to you!" "Hey, young lady!" "Get back here, young lady!" "No!" "You can't tell me what to do!" "I don't have to do anything you say!" " Yes, you do!" " Why?" "!" "Because I'm your father, that's why!" " So what?" "!" " Don't you yell at me!" "I'll yell at you all I want!" "Blah!" "Blah!" "Blah!" "I'm not moving to the stupid city!" "Alright, that's it!" "You are moving to the city, and you're gonna like it and that's the end!" "I hate you!" "I wish you died, not Mommy!" "I hate you, too, you little shit!" "You and your mom took my life away and I want it back!" "I'm sorry, sweetheart." "I didn't mean that..." "Get off me!" "What the hell's the matter with you?" "What happened to you the other night?" "You just took off." "It looked like you guys needed some privacy." "What I really needed was the backup." "She's a kid, Ollie." "Kids don't weather change well." "In a few years, you won't be able to keep her out of Manhattan." "For now, she just wants what she knows." "So do I." "But is that even what you know anymore?" "Jesus..." "You, too?" "You want your old life back." "I get it." "Big money job, out of your old man's house..." "It's not like it doesn't make sense." "So?" "That's your life that you want back, not theirs." "This is their life." "What you're saying to everybody who loves you is, "What we have isn't good enough."" "So it's just upsetting everybody." "Everybody?" "What - me?" "It's not like we've got some big romance going on or anything." "We're just friends, right?" "Did you ever wonder if maybe some day it might... be more than that?" "For about two seconds, before you had me hiding in the shower from your kid." "I like you, but I'm not gonna be heartbroken "cause you're leaving town." "I know." "Even if I took this job in the city, I'd still come back down here and visit my old man." "And you." "Why?" "I mean, you think I'm gonna stick around here for much longer?" "Maya..." "Ollie..." "I gotta get back to work." "If I don't see you at the show,... give me a call sometime when you get all settled up in the big city." "C'mon..." "Shit." "Hi, Daddy." "Hey, baby." "I didn't mean to wake you up." "It's okay." "I'm sorry for yelling at you the other night." "I was wrong." "And I didn't mean any of the things I said." "I know." "Neither did I." "Daddy?" "Yeah?" "Did Mommy like living in the city?" "Yeah, she did." "She loved it." "Then I guess I'll love it, too." "Thanks, sweetheart." "I still might make it to your show tomorrow, if the traffic's not too bad." "I won't be mad if you miss it." "I understand." "Okay, sweetie." "Go back to sleep." "I love you." "G'night, Daddy." "Goodnight." "George Clooney's office for Tony on line one." "The Angellotti Company." "One moment, please." "Can I help you?" "My name's Oliver Trinke'." "I'm here to see Arthur Brickman and Mister Angellotti." "Mister Trinke' is here." "They'll be about 10 more minutes." "Okay." "You can have a seat." "Hello." "Oh my God - hi!" "I'm here to see Brad." "Yes!" "He's expecting you, sir." "He apologizes, but he's stuck in traffic and he's just a few blocks away." "Why don't you have a seat and I'll let him know you've arrived." "Thank you very much." "They love to keep you waiting, don't they?" "Excuse me?" "Oh, I'm saying they love to keep you waiting." "Yeah, they do." "I think they think it gives them the psychological edge." "It's about to give "em the edge of my ass,..." ""cause that's all they'll see when I'm walkin' out that door." "You know anything about these guys?" "Only that they're "...the fastest..."" ""...growing firm in the business." I read that article too." "Well...you know as much as I do." "I guess that means they know what they're doing." "I suppose." "Unless these publicists hire other publicists to get the word out for "em." "And then those publicists hire their own publicists... to spin the good publicity they created for these publicists." "Of course, they probably hire publicists to promote the fact... that they spun the publicity they hired the other publicists to spin." "So what do you do?" "I'm a publicist." "I didn't realize I was sitting here talking to an Angellotti man." "To tell you the truth, I'm not an Angellotti man." "At least, not yet." "I'm here trying to get a job." "These guys've been tryin' to steal me from my publicist since my last flick came out." "The robot movie, right?" "You saw it?" "I haven't gotten around to it yet." "I'm gonna..." "Yeah, thanks for the support though." "I wanna see it..." "No, it's not that good." "I have a kid." "I don't get out to see movies unless they have singing crabs in "em." "Singing crabs?" "I saw that one." "That means you have a girl." " That's right." " How old is she?" "She's 7." "I got a girl and two boys." "Three kids?" "How do you find time to make all those blockbusters?" "If I didn't have all them kids, I wouldn't have to make these blockbusters." "It's cool, though, isn't it?" "Making blockbusters?" "You tell me." "Bein' a parent, funnyman." "It has its moments." " What's your daughter's name?" " Gertrude." "Damn!" "Why'd you do that to that girl?" "Did you lose a bet?" "No, it was my wife's name." ""Was"?" "Let me guess." "She took you for half after she saddled the kid with the name "Gert"?" "I can't blame it on her." "I saddled the kid with the name Gert." "She died in childbirth." "I feel like an asshole" "Don't worry about it." "I'm really sorry about that." "I didn't see your movie." "So, we're even." "Trust me." "This is why people don't talk to each other in waiting rooms, right?" "Probably." "Although, I gotta tell you:..." "The fact that the guy who wrote "Parents Just Don't Understand" is now a parent himself... completely makes up for it." " We don't though, do we?" " What's that?" "Understand." "Kids today - from the door - they got it all over us." "My daughter has it all over me, I can tell you that." "My middle one, my son -..." "Every morning I walk out of the house he says, "Daddy, how far you love me?"" "And I always pick somewhere close - "I love you to that table."" ""No, you don't." "You love me all the way to the moon and back down to the dirt."" "It takes everything I got to walk out of the house." "You get to spend time with them on the set though, right?" "Yeah." "But if I was a smart man, I wouldn't be sittin' here right now." "I'd be at home playin' in the dirt with my kids." "But we all know I'm not famous "cause of my brains." "It's "cause I'm strikingly handsome, crazy sexy,... and I'm hung like it's ridiculous." "But I'm definitely not the sharpest spoon in the shed." "You know..." "It was really nice talking to you." " Hey, you too." "You out?" " I'm out." "You recommend these guys?" "Only guy I can recommend is named Arthur Brickman." "Other than that, I can't vouch for anybody." "Whoa, whoa, hold on." "You Brickman?" "No." "I'm just a guy who'd rather play in the dirt with his kid." " "Toby!" - "Coming!"" " "'Scuse me." - "Ale there."" " "Right, mum!" - "Quick now!"" ""God, that's good!"" "You want rouge, or should I just pinch your cheeks?" "Pinch my cheeks, Greenie." "Kids show or not, I'll put you through the wall." "I'd like to welcome everyone... to Saint Maria Goretti's Student/Family Fall Pageant!" "This is a celebration of your children and their talents,... so we hope you enjoy the show." "Our first act is First Grader Cynthia Bodnar and her mother Jane,... performing the song "Memory" from the Broadway show, "Cats"." "And now Tracy Colelli, from Sister Ann's Kindergarten Class,... will perform with her parents "Memory" from "Cats"." "And now, First Grader Martin Tobias and his mother will perform..." "Oh, boy." "This is a popular song." ""Memory" from "Cats"." "You've gotta be kidding me!" "You couldn't make it easy on me, could you, Gert?" "Honey, it's gonna be okay." "You're next, Gertie." "Break a leg." "And now, we have something not from "Cats"" " Thank God..." "First Grader Gertrude Trinke' and her father Oliver..." "I'm sorry." "First Grader Gertrude Trinke' and her grandfather... will be performing what I can only assume is a hymn, entitled "God, That's Good",... from the musical "Sweeney Todd"." ""Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, per-lease!"" ""Are your nostrils aquiver and tingling as well..."" ""at that delicate, luscious, ambrosial smell?" "Yes, they are, I can tell!"" ""Well, ladies and gentlemen, that aroma enriching the breeze..."" ""is like nothing compared to its succulent source..."" ""as the gourmets among you will tell you of course!"" ""Ladies and gentlemen, you can't imagine the rapture and star..."" ""just inside of this bar!"" ""There you'll sample Mrs. Lovett's meat pies,..."" ""savory and sweet pies, as you see!"" ""You who eats pies, Mrs. Lovett's meat pies,..."" ""conjure up the treat pies used to be!"" ""Toby!"" ""Coming! "Scuse me..."" " "Ale there!" - "Right, mum!"" " "Quick now!" - "God, that's good!"" ""Nice to see you, dearie!" "How have you been keeping?"" ""Cor, me bones is weary!" "Toby!" "One for the gentleman here."" ""Hear the birdies cheeping?" "Helps to keep it cheery!"" ""Toby!" "Throw the old woman out!"" ""God, that's good!"" ""What's your budget, dearie?" "No, we don't cut slices!"" "Take this off!" ""I'm a little leary!" "Business couldn't be better, though!"" ""God, that's good!"" ""Knock on wood!"" " "Excuse me!" - "Pssst!"" ""Dear, see to the customers!"" ""Yes, what, love?"" " "Quick now!" - "Me heart's a-flutter."" ""When I pound the floor, it's a signal to show that I'm ready to go."" " "Will you trust me?" - "I just want to be sure."" ""I'll be waiting below for the whistle to blow."" ""When I'm certain that you're in place I'll pound three times!"" ""Three times."" ""And then you!"" ""Three times!"" ""If you..."" ""Exactly!"" " "More hot pies!" - "Gawd!"" " "More hot!" - "Right!"" ""More pies!"" ""More!"" ""Wait!"" ""God, that's good!"" "Shit." "I love you, Daddy." "I love you too." "I love you so much." " You were great!" " You too!" "You...guys...were...great!" "Hey, Gertie!" "Come dance with me." "Bye, Uncle Greenie." "Bye, Uncle Block." "I'm startin' to like this show business stuff." "Don't get caught up in the glory." "Tomorrow you're on shit-house duty." "Y'know, Block - sometimes I just wanna " "Uh-huh." "I'm so tired of bein' your little Geisha." "You had me worried there for a minute." "Who knew all those years you were nursing a case of stage fright." "Not about that, smart-ass." "About the other thing." "About moving away." "C'mon, Dad - don't you ever wanna live alone again?" "Not as much as I don't wanna die alone." "We're not going anywhere, Pop." "You wanna go over there and cheer up your Pop?" "He's devastated about missing his big singing debut." "Hey, Princess!" "Look at you." "Mister Big Hero of the night." "It might take me longer than some, but I..." "May I?" "Okay." "I like to think I come around eventually." "You showing up when you did like that?" "That was just about the most romantic thing I've ever seen." "Honestly." "Well, stick around" "It may get even more romantic than that." "Really?" "Yeah." "See?" "How was that for romance?" "I'll think about it." "Do that." "Ollie Trinke'..." "Your kid's cuttin' a rug with that Maya." "The sun even shines on a dog's ass some days." "You gettin' a dog?" "Can I dance with my Dad now?" "Oh...if you must." "Don't let him go, though, Gert." "He's one of a kind." "I know." "You wanna dance?" "So, no city?" "No city." "We're staying here with Pop?" "God help us, yes - we're staying with Pop." "And you're taking me to see "Cats"?" "Nice try, but no." "Thank you, Daddy." "Anything for you, Gert." "You know why?" "Why?" ""Cause you're the only thing I was ever really good at."