"COACH BURIES A GRUDGE" " Hey, everybody." " How are you doing?" " Surprise, surprise." " Looky there." "What's the occasion?" "Just a little peace offering." "I'm trying to make up for last night." "You should feel bad about that." "No guy likes to be laughed at at that particular moment." "I couldn't help it." "You had that look on your face and for just a second, you looked like a flounder." " Maybe it was the light." " Apology accepted." "But this better be a damn good gift, I'll tell you that." "I'll be darned." "It's a sweater?" "An Icelandic snowflake rag wool sweater." "I saw it in a catalogue." "I had to get it." " Thank you." "I love it." "It's great." " Put it on right now." "I like to live with a piece of clothing for a little while before I wear it." "Come on." "I know it's unusual." "It looks different when it's on." "One person laughs..." "He will be exhibiting his own insecurity and lack of taste." "I just hate looking silly." "Sam is about to model his new sweater for us." " Look, Cliffie, goose bumps." " Nothing in my horoscope about that." " Does it fit all right?" " It fits OK." "Come in and take a look." "You come out and show everyone what a fashion plate you are." "Believe me, not so much as a smirk." "I never saw a flounder in a sweater before." "Sam, the TV's on the blink again." " Where's Carla?" " Carla, get out here!" "TV's on the fritz." "Work or die." " I have a way with inanimate objects." " Take a crack at Norm." " What do you mean?" " What do I mean?" "Sitting like a lump." "You lost your zest for life, playing motorboat in your beer." "I'm OK." "It's just not the same since Vera's been out of town." "I miss having her around." " Where is she?" " She went to visit her parents." "She's out there for a week in..." "Where the heck do they live?" "One of those rectangular states." "Why didn't you go with her?" "Her parents aren't happy I'm out of work." "They think I don't try." "They got this crackpot idea that if I look every day, make phone calls all the time, somehow, by magic, a job's going to appear." " Voodoo?" " Really." "Sam, let me have two vodka rocks." "Where are those Bloody Marys?" "I'm way behind." "Coach is supposed to be back from Phoenix." "He's there for T-Bone Scappagione's funeral." "His best friend." "They were team-mates in the minors and coached for the Sox." " How come you didn't go, Sam?" " It's funny." "I never cared for the guy." "Let's face it." "Taste in people isn't your strong point." "Ah, yes." "How would we manage without Carla's wit?" "Carla, how do you manage without it?" " What don't you like about this T-Bone?" " Lots of things." "He's the kind of guy who can't pass a mirror without checking himself out." "Thinks he's God's gift to women." "You know the kind." "All right." "There's a difference between thinking it and knowing it." " Hi, everybody." " Where have you been?" "I'm sorry I'm late, but T-Bone wanted to be buried in the family plot and I brought the body back." "Did he die of a mysterious ailment that turns you to cardboard?" "The body's at the mortuary." "This is a promotional thing we did when we were at the Birmingham Barons." "Old T-Bone, he saved it all these years, so I brought it back for Cheers." " Some luck, Sam?" " Words fail me, Coach." "It will be like having my old buddy back with me here." "Actually, I think this will be better." "Sam, that's a wonderful thought." "I'll put this in my office for safekeeping." "I'd hate to see it get stolen." "How was the funeral, Coach?" "Actually, Diane, it was kind of gloomy." "Well, you know, after all, it's hardly an occasion for rejoicing." "Everything was perfectly nice." "It was really a nice ceremony, but they didn't say much about the real T-Bone." "He's been living in Phoenix for a couple of years and those people didn't know him." "They should have had the funeral here, where his pals are." "Right." "They didn't even know why they called him T-Bone." "Why did they call him T-Bone?" "I don't know." "I was hoping to find out." " I just had a wonderful idea." " Could we get you not to tell us?" "Not a prayer." "Why couldn't we have a memorial right here?" "We could invite T-Bone's buddies and they could toast his memory." "That's a terrific idea." "Everybody could talk about the real T-Bone." "I'll make a list of guys to call." "Guys mourning isn't good for business." "They mourn, they drink." "Call me a sentimental old fool, but I'm for it." "What you've written here is beautiful, but you know what it could use?" "A little bit more about T-Bone himself." "OK." "Tell me about him." "In his playing days, he was a good hitter." "His prowess at the plate was legendary." "He was a fair hitter, Diane." "Fair." "For the minors." "He was a capable batsman." "All those hits he got were a lot of scratch and field hits." "His best moments were off the field." "That's the idea." "He always made the guys laugh." "He was loved for his sense of humour." "He was always making fun of people." "We admired his sardonic wit." "I've seen him ride guys till they were reduced to tears." "He was a hateful and terrible person." "Why don't you stick with what I had?" "You're right." "I'd better go practise." "Hello." "I've heard a lot about you." "Well, hold on a sec and I'll check." "Are you in for Vera?" "Sure." "She's out of town." "What can it hurt?" "Tracked me down?" "I miss you." "It hasn't been the same without you around the house." "How's your mum?" "You're at our house?" "Since when?" "You never left?" "I thought I heard someone in the john this morning." "I can't believe this man was vain." "Does this picture do him justice?" "Only a firing squad would do him justice." "What is your problem with this man?" " I know something nobody else does." " Like what?" "Just trust me." "It's very sleazy." " This sounds serious." "Tell me what it is." " I can't." "I'm sorry." "Would you like another sweater?" "Once, when Coach was out of town, this was a long time ago," "T" " Bone made a play for his wife Angela." " The rakehell." " He didn't get anywhere with her." "She told me after keeping it a secret for so long." "She was afraid to tell Coach." "It would have made him crazy." " The scum." " I know." "Making a play for his best friend's wife." "Even you wouldn't do that." "Thank you for that, Diane." "I can't take credit for that because most of my friends' wives are real uggos." "Let's pray this secret goes to the grave with T-Bone." "I hope so, cos if Coach ever finds out, it would put him right in the toilet." "Where do you want to put this for the ceremony?" "In that case, where would you like Diane to stand?" " Coach, I know..." " I hate him, Sam." "You have to put this behind you." "Angela and T-Bone are in heaven now." "Let's hope he's not hitting on her up there." "I just wish Angela had told me about it." "A man and a woman shouldn't keep secrets from each other." " I don't think I agree with you, Coach." " You don't?" "I don't think so." "Let's take an outlandish example, like us, for instance." "In the unlikely event that you'd ever succumb to a momentary temptation," "I would prefer, hypothetically, to remain oblivious." "You got it." " What do you mean by that?" " I was going along with what you said." " You went along pretty fast." " When you're right, you're right." "You said it like you had something in mind." " I don't." " You'd better not." " I don't." "I swear." " Tell the truth." " That is the truth." " Good." "Then I wouldn't want to know." "Now I see what you've been up to all this time, you..." "You're trying to drive her crazy, so she'll kill herself." " I love it." "If I can be of any help at all." " I'll keep you in mind." " Hey, Ernie." " Hey, Artie." "It's good to see you after all these years." " You look great." " I feel fine." "It could be happier circumstances." "When did you hear the shocking news?" "I was in the john and I overheard Sam and Diane." " You mean you knew about it?" " It's in all the papers." "Oh, my God." "The afternoon edition even had pictures." " I'm a laughing stock." " You misunderstood." "It's great you're having a ceremony for T-Bone." "There ain't going to be a ceremony for T-Bone, Artie." "That filthy pig." " Why, Coach?" " You read it in the papers!" " Coach, he's talking about him dying." " There's nothing to say." "Come into my office to talk." "Arthur, have a drink on the house." "Carla, help him get a drink there, please." " What the hell are you doing?" " I'm going to help you with Coach." "I've known him for 20 years." "I think by now I've an idea how to help him." "Fine." "I'll be waiting right here, when you faiI." "When and if you faiI." "More when." "Come on." "You have go through with this." "The guys will be there." "He betrayed me." "I loved him like a brother." "Once they threatened to send him down to a double-A club and I swear to you," "I went and said, "You send T-Bone down, you gotta send me down, too. "" " I did." " As I recall, you liked it down there." "We had a great time." "Why did he do it to me?" "Coach, I don't know." "Listen to me." "It was a one-time thing, Coach." "He lost his head once." "You're going to have to accept it and forgive him." "But why did he do it?" "I can't answer that." "I just hate watching it eat you up like this." "I wish I could cheer you up." "Wait." "You haven't seen this." "This is great." "Look at this." "Don't I look like a dink?" "Ordinarily, Sam, that would have me on the floor, but not today." "Pull yourself out of this." "It's in the past." "For him, it's the past." "For me, it's just happening." "I can help you, Coach." "Let your subconscious speak to me." "Work through your feelings about T" " Bone." "They need to be released." "If he was here, I'd release all his teeth." "That's good." "Tell T-Bone how angry you are to work through your feelings." "Come on, Diane, T-Bone's dead." "No, he isn't." "Here's T-Bone right here." " Spill your guts to him." " This isn't a good idea." " It'll help him." " I hate looking silly." "Hey, Ernie, how are you doing?" "It has to be deeper, Sam, like "Hey, Ernie, how are you doing?"" "Right." "He'd talk and he'd wipe his nose." "Hey, Ernie, how are you doing?" "It's "Hey, Ernie, how are you doing?" and then he'd wipe it that way." "After." " Hey, Ernie, how are you doing?" " The sniff has to be louder." " The sniff is fine." " Will you two please stop?" "That is irrelevant." "Something is eating away at Coach's guts." "Address that." "Ernie, your wife was a wonderful woman." "She was really beautiful." "I lost my head." "Can you blame me for going crazy about something I could never have myself?" "She was the best." "Nobody could resist her." "Come on." "Go out and make that speech for me." "Come on." "The people out there think that I'm a real nice guy and a good friend." "Leave me that." "T" " Bone, what you did, I can never forgive you for." "Never." "You're dead and there's only one way I can get even with you." "It's to go out and do you in and I'm going to do it." " Coach, come on." " Stay away from me!" "Everybody, thanks for coming, but let's get this over with." " The memorial service is about to begin." " Last call before the memorial!" "Don't do this." "It won't make you feel any better." "I'm feeling better just thinking about it." "OK, everybody's sat?" "All right, I had a beautiful speech written here, but I'd rather say a few things from my own heart about T-Bone Scappagione." " Coach, don't..." " Just let me get it over with, Sam." "T" " Bone Scappagione was a son of a..." "That man was a son of a..." "T" " Bone Scappagione was the son of an immigrant." "Like most immigrants, he was a human being." "Human beings make mistakes." "We're just not perfect." "But I'll tell you what isn't a mistake." "To love someone and to forgive them, no matter what his shortcomings." "That's not a mistake." "I loved that man... and I forgive him." "And I know that, for the rest of my life, every day, there's going to be a moment when I'm going to miss him." "That's all I've got to say." "That was beautiful, Ernie." " Thanks, Artie." " No, I mean it." "That stuff could almost make me forgive him for what he did to me." "For what he did to you?" "What did he do?" " He went after my wife." " Yours, too?" " You guys got off easy." " What did he do to you?" "He borrowed $500 from me." "He never tried to pay me back." " That's worse than chasing our wives?" " I've seen your wives." "Why beat around the bush?" "Let's admit the guy was a fungo." "I got to admit I still love him." "He never made a pass at my wife." "Are you nuts?" "He was at your house so often, he got mail there." "My wife would never cheat on me." "He was the worst guy I ever knew." "We shouldn't be honouring him." "We should be dancing on his grave." "Come on." "What are you doing?" "Listen, you gotta forget about how he was in life and remember him as he is now." "Dead." "I say we take that cardboard cutout and do to it what we should have done to him while he was alive!" "Let's hang him in effigy!" "The hell with that, let's hang him here in Boston!" "English"