"♪ Thank you for being a friend" "♪ Traveled down the road and back again" "♪ Your heart is true" "♪ You're a pal and a confidante" "♪ And if you threw a party" "♪ Invited everyone you knew" "♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me" "♪ And the card attached would say" "♪ "Thank you for being a friend"" "(sighs)" "(sighs)" "Hey!" "You're not even gonna ask what's wrong?" "What's wrong, Ma?" "I got three days to live." "Fine, Ma." "I'll scratch the Bengay off the grocery list." "I can't believe you're so insensitive." "Ma, you are not dying." "I am, Dorothy." "I had a dream last night, a death dream." "Your father spoke to me." "Spoke to you?" "How?" "Do I look like Rich Little?" "Just listen." "I'm sitting in the living room, and the clock strikes 9:00." "Then the bell rings." "It's your father in his fedora." "He always wore a fedora on Saturday." "He walks towards me, reaches out his hand and says, "Sophia, you can come now." "There's room for you now."" "That's it?" "You want him to show up with Barbara Eden and the college all-American football team?" "It's a dream, not a Bob Hope special." "I'm dying, Dorothy." "Saturday, 9:00." "Don't make any plans." "Ma, you're being ridiculous." "I know." "When was the last Saturday night you had plans?" "Oh, thank you, Dorothy." "Those look lovely." "So do you." "Oh, Blanche, you really got all dressed up for your brother." "Well, we do come from the South." "We always felt it was important to look absolutely great in front of company." "Hi, girls." "What time does Clayton get here?" "Oh, any minute now." "Oh, we better put out the welcome mat." "We don't have a welcome mat." "What about the one Dorothy says is at the foot of your bed?" "(doorbell)" "Oh, there's Clayton now." "Remember what I said." "No remarks about his marriage breaking up." "He's still a little touchy." "Clayton!" "Baby brother!" "Sister!" "Oh, my, look at you all gussied up." "Prettier than a spring-bloomin' peach tree on a dewy April morning." "Well, you oughtta talk, all fresh-scrubbed and rosy-cheeked like a country parson at a September hoedown." "Why do I get the feeling they had a maid named Honeybee when they grew up?" "(door closes)" "Come on in, Clayton." "I want you to meet my best friends Dorothy and Rose." "Nice to meet you." "It's a pleasure." "Rose, so nice to see you." "How was your trip, Clayton?" "Oh, fine." "It just went by in no time." "That usually means he met a stewardess he liked." "Blanche." "Lunch, dinner or drinks?" "Dinner." "I'm beginning to see the family resemblance." "Honey, come on inside." "I'll get you all settled down." "Then I want to tell you all the wonderful things" "I have planned for us to do." "OK." "It was so nice finally meeting you all." "See you later, Clayton." "Isn't it nice to see a brother and sister who are such good friends?" "It certainly is." "Oh, I always wish that I could have been closer to my brother, Phil." "You know, go places together, share experiences." "Although I did love borrowing his clothes." "Did you like wearing boys' clothes growing up?" "No, but fortunately neither did my brother Phil." "Ma, why are you sitting here in the dark?" "Conserving electricity for those who will still be living past Saturday." "Oh, Ma..." "Put out your hands, Dorothy." "What for?" "So I can say hello like Magic Johnson." "So I'm gonna give you some of my personal things." "My bank book, some stocks..." "Oh, Ma, come on, now." "This is crazy." "Hi, y'all." "Oh, fabulous." "Roy and Dale are back." "So, where are you two off to tonight?" "Oh, that's a surprise." "Wait a minute." "Isn't that my silver locket in there?" "Nice getting to know you, gomer." "See you around." "What's all this about a surprise?" "Oh, well, I've done a little matchmaking." "Blanche, not again." "Yes, again." "Now, you are 45 years old." "You've been single almost two years." "Well, both Dorothy and I know how much fun the single life is." "Many's the night Dorothy has sat here alone in this room watching me go out on dates." "Sometimes I watch her go from the kitchen window." "It's easier to bay at the moon." "I just don't want you being afraid to get back on that horse and make a commitment again." "(doorbell)" "Here's your horse pulling up now." "Hello, Lois." "Come in." "Clayton, remember Lois from the museum?" "Of course." "So nice to see you again." "Oh, it's a pleasure." "You two can get reacquainted on the way." "These are your tickets for the concert in the park." "It starts in 15 minutes, so you better hurry up, now." "Bye." "Have a good time!" "(Dorothy) Good night!" "I was never any good at blind dating." "I always felt so awkward." "Oh, Dorothy, I have a surefire icebreaker" "I can teach you right now." "Oh, once you learn this any man is putty in your hands." "Oh, Blanche, come on." "That is ridiculous." "I mean, I'm certainly not gonna waste my time listening to this adolescent nonsense." "Did you say putty?" "Ha ha ha ha." "Sit back." "Now, just play like we're at the movies." "OK." "First I start to yawn a little." "Then I put my hands up over my head like this..." "Oh, Blanche, I know that one." "You end up with your arm around me." "Yeah, but that's just the first part." "Did you know that if you blow right on the tip of a man's earlobe, it can drive him absolutely crazy?" "I'll show you." "I'm gonna be dead in 24 hours." "Couldn't you stay in the closet for one more day?" "Rose, what are you doing here?" "Clayton." "It's my late night at the counseling center." "But what are you doing here?" "Blanche told me she was sending you on a date." "Oh, she did." "Didn't it work out?" "Well, let's just say Blanche has it in her head what type is right for me, and she's way off." "I'll bet I could sit here for a minute and tell you what your type is." "I'm good at this." "Gosh, I'm stuck." "You haven't even started." "No, I'm stuck on the gum somebody left on this bench." "OK, now, you just give me your honest reactions when people go by." "That's how I'll tell." "OK." "Here comes one." "Go." "No." "Too thin." "Here comes one." "Too short?" "Next." "Oh, Clayton!" "Clayton, you're not playing fair." "That's a man." "That's a man and you're a man." "You're both men." "(laughs nervously)" "Clayton, you're that thing that everyone said Olga Larsen's nephew was 'cause he wore paisley clogs and gave out puff pastry on Halloween." "I've been called a lot of things in my time, but that's a first for that one." "Yeah, I'm gay, Rose." "But Blanche told us you were married." "I was." "After a while I just couldn't deny the truth to myself." "Seems silly still denying it to my big sister." "Well, have you tried telling her?" "Every time I see her." "And I always chicken out." "Oh..." "I know Blanche." "I mean, she'd be upset, but not for long." "And just think how it would help you two in the long run." "But how do I keep from chickening out?" "By telling her." "Tonight, while you've still got your dander up." "I'm sorry." "Did I say something embarrassing?" "No." "No, Rose." "You're right." "You're absolutely right." "I've got to tell her tonight." "But it's not gonna be easy." "I mean, I still haven't told Blanche" "I was the one who stole the Montgomery Clift poster off her wall when she left for college." "(sirens and gunshots on TV)" "Ma, what are you doing up?" "Someone left the lock off my cage." "I couldn't sleep." "I was afraid I'd have that dream again." "What are you two doing up?" "Well, I'm waiting up for Clayton." "I'm gonna make sure he had a good time tonight." "My brother and I are very close." "Oh, that's sweet, Blanche." "Evening, ladies." "Well, Clayton Hollingsworth, it's about time." "You and your date must have really hit it off." "Hey, Rose." "What are you doing with Clayton?" "We ran into each other in the park." "What happened to Lois?" "Oh, she went home." "We weren't really suited, Blanche." "Not suited?" "Clayton, sometimes I do not understand you." "Time after time I fix you up with attractive, eligible women, and nothing happens." "It's time you found yourself a woman." "Now, what is the matter with you?" "Tell her, Clayton." "I will, Rose." "Tell me what?" "Well, I ran into Rose in the park, and..." "And?" "And we had a long talk, and..." "And?" "And... we slept together tonight." "Dorothy, all that stuff I said about preparing for a burial, forget it." "Oh, Ma." "You finally came to your senses." "Yes." "I decided to be cremated instead." "Oh, Ma." "Oh..." "It's a great idea." "My ashes can be divided among you, your brother, Phil, and your sister, Gloria." "Nah, forget Gloria." "I don't want to spread myself too thin." "Hi, girls." "I need to talk." "Oh, honey, what is it?" "All day long Blanche has been giving me looks." "I think she's really mad at me." "Look, Rose, what happened between you and Clayton last night is your business, not Blanche's." "That's just the point, Dorothy." "Nothing happened between Clayton and me." "Nothing physical, anyway." "Well, why did Clayton say the two of you slept together if you hadn't?" "Because he's trying to hide something about himself from Blanche." "I don't even feel right saying it out loud." "Maybe if I just whispered it." "Clayton is a hobo?" "No, Dorothy." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Now, now I get it." "Oh, good." "I thought I was gonna have to draw you a picture." "And I'm not sure I'd know how." "Hey!" "I don't get to know?" "No, Ma." "OK, have it your way, but nobody can keep a secret from Sophia Petrillo." "Whatever that guy's hiding, I could smoke it out of him in three or four quick questions." "Hello, ladies." "Perfect timing." "Ma." "So, Clayton, what do you think of this Miami weather so far?" "Oh, it's lovely." "I see." "Have you ever been to Europe?" "No, but it's always been a dream of mine." "Interesting." "How many fingers am I holding up?" "Two." "Fine." "You can go back in the living room now." "The man's as gay as a picnic basket." "Ma, that... that is..." "That is incredible." "How did you know?" "I heard him singing in the shower." "He's the only man I ever knew who knows all the words to "Send In The Clowns."" "Rose, I owe you an apology." "You sure do." "I shouldn't have got you mixed up in all this." "It's just so hard to tell Blanche the truth." "Clayton, you're selling your sister short." "Now, at times, Blanche can be very understanding and compassionate and forgiving." "Get away from my baby brother, you cradle-snatching, empty-headed, two-faced dummy." "And then at other times she can be a real bitch." "Blanche, there's something you should know." "Butt out, Clayton." "This doesn't concern you." "It most certainly does concern him." "Why?" "Because he was seduced by a bubble-head whose hair looks like it was colorized by Ted Turner?" "Now, just a minute." "Butt out, Clayton." "This doesn't concern you." "You're gonna regret this when you have to come begging on hands and knees for forgiveness." "Oh?" "Then I shall never regret it, because I never intend to apologize." "We'll see about that." "I wish you hadn't done that, Blanche." "Oh, hush up." "It was for your own good." "There's something you just don't understand." "Oh, I understand perfectly." "I pushed you into meeting all those women." "That's why this happened." "But it is over." "Rose will be just fine." "Blanche, it's not as simple..." "Oh, Clayton, honey, leave it alone." "Blanche, listen." "Nothing happened between me and Rose." "Just like nothing ever happens between me and any of the women you set me up with." "There's a reason." "What are you saying, Clayton?" "I'm saying..." "I'm gay, Blanche." "Oh, Clayton, please be serious." "You're just saying that so I won't set you up with any more women." "No, Blanche." "Well, then you're saying it 'cause you're trying to get back at me for something." "Blanche..." "Clay, I know you too well for this." "After all, I know it can't be true." "You're my brother." "It's true, Blanche." "Maybe I ought to just leave you alone for a while." "Clayton Hollingsworth." "You look me in the face and tell me you really are what you just said you are." "I think you heard me the first time, Blanche." "Hey, Harry." "Flip on the game, will you?" "Not another game." "Come on." "Tina, let's go." "I'll see you back at the house." "(crowd cheering on TV)" "Clayton." "Blanche." "How'd you find me here?" "Well, I knew that you and Rose were here last night." "May I join you?" "Of course." "Thank you." "You know what that popcorn reminds me of?" "Rex's Drive-In out at the lake." "You remember the night my date and I parked right next to you and your date?" "Pretty soon it got to be a contest who could fog up whose car the fastest." "I think you won." "You weren't doing too badly considering you were in a convertible." "Yes." "You know," "Clay, I've been thinking a lot about what you told me today, and I've also been thinking a lot about that boy at Rex's Drive-In, and, honey, the two pictures don't go together." "There's just something wrong with one of them." "But it's not the one you're hoping, Blanche." "It was the heater fogging up my car windows that night." "So what can I bring you, sweetheart?" "Don't you dare talk to him like that." "Now, you get out of here." "Blanche, I think he was talking to you." "Oh." "Oh." "I'm having a little trouble putting this all together." "Clayton, I just feel like I don't know you anymore." "I'm the same person I always was." "No, you're not." "You used to be just like me." "What?" "Great-looking?" "Yes." "Charming?" "Yes." "Irresistible to men?" "My God, Clayton, you are me." "But I still just can't..." "Blanche." "I spent a long time lying to myself." "It felt a lot better when I stopped." "It feels better being honest with you, too, and I'd hate to think that this is gonna keep us from being friends." "Well, honey, of course it isn't." "Oh, no." "I'll get used to this." "I will." "Well, look at me already." "I'm practically comfortable seeing you here in a gay bar." "Blanche, this isn't a gay bar." "Clay, now, we did say we were gonna be honest with each other." "All right, now, I can do my part." "You just watch this." "You all, over at the bar." "I just want to say that I would be very proud to have any one of you date my brother." "I'd rather date you, lady." "Sweet Jesus, I've just done the impossible." "I've converted one." "(door opens)" "Dorothy, get dressed." "We're going out to celebrate Clayton's last night in town." "Oh, terrific." "Let's go to José's." "We always go there to celebrate." "The food is great." "And they make all the waiters wear these really skintight bullfighters' pants." "Really?" "Let's go to Amelio's." "T minus ten seconds, Dorothy." "Oh, Ma, will you give it up?" "You are not dying." "Eight, seven, six..." "There is not going to be a doorbell or a pop." "...five, four, three, two one." "There is not going to be anything." "You see?" "Ten seconds, nothing happened." "(doorbell)" "Oh, God!" "Ma, stop." "Oh, suddenly somebody believes me." "Did I hear the bell?" "Listen, Rose, do me a favor." "Look out the peephole and see who's at the door." "Sure, Dorothy." "Gee, it's kinda hard to tell." "All I can see is a fedora." "Oh, my God." "Who's that at the door?" "It's me, Blanche." "The other side." "Move, Rose." "Ma, don't." "I have to, Dorothy." "Ma!" "Mildred, what are you doing here?" "When do I always wear my lucky bowling hat?" "We're bowling tonight?" "Didn't you get my message the other night?" "No one answered the door." "I figured you were napping, so I yelled outside your window we had room." "Wait..." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Were your exact words," ""Sophia, you can come now." "We have room now"?" "And were you wearing that hat at the time?" "Yes." "Hasta luego, Dorothy." "I'm going bowling." "Well, let's go to dinner, ladies." "Have fun." "Rose, honey." "There's something I have to say to you." "It's just two little words, but they are the hardest two little words in all the whole world for me to say." ""Not tonight"?" "No." "Blanche, if you've come here to apologize, I accept." "Just like that?" "Yes." "I mean, for me, just the fact that you thought of those words is plenty... considering what a selfish, conceited person you are." "But I had a whole speech planned, Rose... a-about how nice you were to my brother and-and how proud I am to have such a sweet person as my friend." "Now I can't say it." "Well, sure you can." "No, I can't." "You just ruined it." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "Oh, I forgive you, Rose."