"Marge, mail's here." "Bills, bills..." "A free sample of gasoline." "A note from Publishers Clearing House saying we're out of the running." "Oh, look, Lisa, you got something." "Oh, Foreign Language Institute." "Oh, my German verb wheel." "When?" "When?" "Homer, this is yours." "Yes." "My precious Cartoons." ""Who pumped Ethyl?"" "Oh, how come I never get any mail?" "I'm sorry, honey." "Here, you can have the junk mail." ""Gas your termites."" ""Freeze your termites." "Zap your termites."" ""Save the termites."" "Hello." ""Dear occupant:" "Because of your fine credit history you have been preapproved for a Money Bank charge card."" "Oh, baby." "Okay, let's see, now." "Occupation?" "Butt doctor." "Income?" "Whatever I finds, I keeps." "Name?" "Name?" "Name?" "My name is Santa's Little Helper." "Marge, mail's here." "Bills, bills..." "A rejection letter from The New Yorker Subscription Department." "Who or what is Santos L. Halper?" "Wow, my own credit card." "Thanks, Santos." "A quarter?" "Well, you're just the dog that keeps on giving, aren't you?" "And Zebra Girl and Zillionaire, and Zoidzilla." "And will there be any more splurging today?" "Oh, my, yes." "I'll take that hardbound Radioactive Man collection." "A superb choice." "In volume two, Radioactive Man travels through time to defeat Jesse Owens at the 1936 Olympic games." "Put it all on my credit card, my good man." "Oh, pardon me, Santos, if that is your real name, Bart Simpson but your phony credit card is no good here." "Now, make like my pants and split." "What good is a credit card if you can't even use it?" ""Order by phone. 1-800..."" "Our phone doesn't go up to 800." "Unless..." "Mom, this is for you." "Fifteen pounds of Vancouver smoked salmon." "Here, smell it." "Oh, Bart, you didn't have to do that." "And for Homer." "Wow, a golf shirt with my corporate logo on it." "It smells like salmon too." "Thanks, boy." "And for the college-bound, 500 stay-alert capsules." "Wow, Trucker's Choice." "That is so sweet." "Bart, where did you get all this stuff?" "Let me answer that question with cookware." "A frying-pan radio?" "You are winner." "You are winner." "You are winner." "Halogen lamps, kilim rugs?" "You can't afford this." "How can you afford this?" "You've been edgy and suspicious ever since I gave you those pep pills." "I don't need pep pills to be suspicious." "If I wanna comment on it, who's gonna stop me?" "You, pep-pill boy?" "Pep Boys, pills, Beverly Sills..." "Oh, boy." "Oh, boy." "Oh, boy." "Oh, boy." "I gotta stop taking those pills he gave me." "You think you're so great." ""The crowning achievement of the dog-maker's art this limited-edition collie comes fully trained by Major Jonas Fong, ALBDA." "Only 800 will be bred." "Quite possibly the world's best dog."" "Twelve hundred bucks?" "I better just get one." "Hey, where are you going?" ""Hello, my name is Laddie." "I've been trained to gather fruit for you as a welcome gift."" "Good dog." "Okay, watch this." "Watch." "Do a back flip, Laddie." "He's so smart." "And so handsome." "Bart, I just love him." "Hi, Marge." "Hi, Santa's Little Helper." "Hi, kid..." "Hey, that's not Santa's Little Helper." "That's Laddie." "Bart says he won him at a church carnival two towns over." " In a truth-telling contest, right, Bart?" "To the best of my recollection, yes." "I gotta start going to church." "What do you got for me, boy?" "Hey." "This says we should feed him eggs and olive oil to ensure a glossy coat." "Oh, yeah, a dog like this you have to feed every day." "He's trained to do all sorts of stuff." "He can herd sheep and perform CPR." ""Some call it the dog that never sleeps, though it actually does while jogging."" "Jeez, that dog has more education than I do." "He's some kind of super dog." "Hey, where'd he go?" " Hello?" " Hello, Mr. Halper." "I'm calling from Money Bank Credit Services Department." "I was wondering if you had a chance to read the threatening letter we sent you." "Because you sound like a mature, responsible person who wouldn't want an unpaid bill to spoil all his dreams for the future." "Dreams such as home ownership, boat ownership and event attendance." "Now, when can I tell my supervisor, Mr. Robinson to expect payment?" " Good dog." "Come on, boy, let's go for a walk." "No, not you." "Laddie." "Come on, I got a job for you." "Good boy." "We didn't see nothing if you didn't see nothing." "Oh, no, repo men." "Laddie, hide behind that bush there." " Mom and Dad aren't home, are they?" " They went for a walk with the Flanders." "What's going on?" "Why are those repo guys taking your stuff?" " The dog and I got a credit card, and..." " Credit card?" "Oh, I knew you were up to no good." "Okay, so I committed a little mail fraud." "Haven't I been punished enough?" "Stop!" "You can take back the bassinet, but the baby's ours." "And the last item is one $ 1200 dog." "Is that him?" "Well, is he the dog or isn't he?" "Yeah, that's him, all right." "Sorry, boy." "I didn't plan this." "It just sort of happened." "Mom, can I feed Laddie at the table?" "It's against the house rule." "Oh, I guess just this once." "I don't know about this dog." "He's kind of snooty." "Homer, are you wearing a tie to impress Laddie?" "Do you think he noticed?" " Where's Santa's Little Helper?" " Who?" "I took him to a kennel two towns over, just till the new dog gets settled." "Well, we wrecked the first dog." "We've gotta treat this one right." "Bart, why don't you take Laddie for another walk." "No, Bart had his turn." "Let me." "I can't resist his charms." "Let's all walk Laddie." "Hey, this park is great." "How come we never take Santa's Little Helper here?" "Crowds give him gas." "Besides, he's happy just hanging around the house with Bart." "Yeah." "Hey, that is one fine-looking animal you got there." "TV's Kent Brockman." "This fella's not available to stud, is he?" " You want some puppies, Mr. Brockman?" " No, no, Jessica's been fixed." "She just needs a little... attention." "Why, that canine has the proud bearing and glossy fur coat of a Yale man." "Hello, little fella." "Smithers, I believe this dog was in Skull and Bones." "Whoa, cool dog." "Can he catch a Frisbee?" "Boy, Bart, Laddie's the best dog in the world." " He's nothing like your old dog." " Santa's Little Helper?" "Guess I was the only one who loved him." "You got that right." "Remember the time he ate my goldfish and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish?" "But why did I have the bowl, Bart?" "Why did I have the bowl?" "Yeah." "He was a great dog." "Oh, Santa's Little Helper, I was crazy to give you up for another dog." "What have I done to you?" "Captain, can't we go any faster?" "I greatly fear we shan't be in Wimbledon by noonfall." "No worries, madam." "Lumley, shovel on more dogs, won't you?" "Aye, aye." "More dogs!" "More dogs!" "In you go." "No, that's not too likely." "But still, you're gone." "Where are you, boy?" ""Time for a walk." Again?" "We gotta find where he's keeping these." "I'd take him, but those cards are nontransferable." "Help!" "Help!" "Now what?" "Come on, I wanna go home." "So, Laddie, thank you for your heroic rescue." "And, baby Gerald, we can't help but wonder what mischief you'll get into next." " Now can we go home?" " Laddie saved the day, Simpson." "Boy, we sure could use a dog like that on the force." "Why don't you guys take him." "I thought he was the right dog for me, but I guess I made a mistake." "Really?" "No fooling?" "Gee, thanks, mister." "We'll take real good care of him." "And we'll play with him every day." "Honest." "Oh, Maggie, you got oatmeal all over." "Homie, would you clean her off?" "Can do." "Laddie!" "Come here, boy." "Who wants to lick a messy baby?" "Laddie?" "Dad?" "Laddie's not coming." "I gave him away." "What's the matter, Bart?" "Weren't you happy with him?" "No, he just wasn't the right dog for me." "I'm sure he'll be happy as a police dog." "He'd better know how to keep his mouth shut." "Well, if that's what you think is best." "Let's just go down to the kennel and get Santa's Little Helper back." "We can't." "He's not in a kennel." "I gave him away too, and I don't know where he is." "You gave both dogs away?" "You know how I feel about giving!" "I'm sorry." "I know it's wrong." "I messed everything up, and now I don't have any dogs at all." "There, there." "Shut up, boy." "We'll just get you a new dog." "I don't want a new dog." "I want Santa's Little Helper." "Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back unless your tears smell like dog food." "So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back or you can go out there and find your dog." "You're right." "I'll do it." "Rats." "I almost had him eating dog food." " I'm going to get the dog back." " The bad dog or the good dog?" " The bad dog." " Oh, good." "You gotta give me back my floor." "My customers are walking around on the pipes." " Hey, next time pay your bills." " But I don't want to." "Excuse me, sir." "Did you repossess this dog from a guy named Santos Halper?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember this mutt." "We sold him to some guy wearing a dress." "No, I didn't buy your dog." "I gotta go keep an eye on Selma." "She thinks she swallowed a Band-Aid." "Yeah, I bought your mutt." "And I ate him." "I hate his little face, I hate his guts, and I hate the way he's always barking!" "So I gave him to the church." "Oh, I see." "You hate him, so you gave him to the church." "Aye." "I also hate the mess he left on me rug." "You heard me." "Yes, I remember Satan's Little Helper." "Littering the rectory with his dirt." " Biting me in the apse." " He unholied the holy water!" "That's him, all right." "I'll be happy to take him off your hands." "I'm afraid that's impossible, Bart. He's no longer among us." "You didn't crucify him?" "No, he's safely with one of our parishioners." "I'll give you his address if you like." "And then buy something or get out!" "Angel." "Hey, it's him!" "It's Santa's Little Helper." " Yes?" " My name is Bart Simpson." "I have to talk to you about your dog." "Give me one minute." "Okay, showtime." "Please, mister..." "No, let me do that again." "Please, mister." "Please." "Hi there." "How can I help you?" " You're the guy who owns the dog?" " Yep, his name's Sprinkles." " Sprinkles?" " Yeah, he's my best buddy, huh?" "Especially since my parrot decided to stop talking." "Polly?" "Polly, wanna say hi to our guest?" "Fine, be that way." "Now, what can I do for you, son?" "Oh, nothing." "Forget it." "So that's my plan." "I'm gonna break into the blind man's yard and swipe the dog." "Bart, that is a new low." "Hey, I'm not saying it's a dance around the Maypole." "I won't tell Mom and Dad, but only because I want the dog back." "Just try not to freak out the blind man." "I can't promise I'll try." "But I'll try to try." "Here, boy." "Come on." "I missed you so much." "Come on, let's get out of here." "Keep quiet, okay?" "Sprinkles?" "Is there somebody down there?" "Come on, boy, let's blow." "Who's there?" "I can take you on." "You wanna try me?" "Come on." "Where is he, Sprinkles?" "Come on, let's get him." "No, no, not the piano." "I can't play now." "I may be blind, but you just ran into a closet." "Hey, burglar, I hope you're having a good time in there because the police will be here any minute." "No, mister." "Please, I'm just a kid." "I..." "I only came to get my dog back." "Your dog?" "And I miss him so much." "And I know you like him but I like him too." "He was mine first." "I know I don't deserve him..." "So, what this comes down to is you want a blind man to give up his only companion?" " Yes, please." "Tell you what." "Why don't we let the dog decide." " Come on, Sprinkles." " Come on, Santa's Little Helper." " I'm blind." "Come to the blind man." " I'll never, never do that again." " I'll let you be with me all the time." " I need you more." " I promise." " I gave you a nice name, Sprinkles." "Come on, Sprinkles." "Come on." "Come on." "Attaboy." "Oh, I knew you'd come." "Give me a kiss." "Oh, yeah." "Sounds like you won." "Congratulations." "Oh, jeez." "I'm sorry." "I wish there was some way we could both have a dog." "Hello?" "Police." "Oh, man, if this one's not the right house, I quit." "It's okay, officer." "False alarm." "Hey, who's that?" "Well, I like you too." "Well, looks like somebody's made a new best friend." "Okay, boy, that's enough." "That's..." "That's not for doggies." "Don't..." "Oh, jeez." " Marijuana." " Well, I guess he didn't like you after all." "He just smelled your narcotics." " Book him, boys." " Hold on, chief." "It might be medicinal." "Oh, yeah, medicinal." "I..." "Without it I could go even blinder, right?" "This might take a while, kid." "Why don't you and your buddy run along." "Bye, Laddie." "Come on, boy." "Let's go home and have some fun." "That cat's been strutting around like she owns the place." "Hey, everybody." "How you doing?" "Hey, what's up there?" " I love this song." " Hey, chief..." "Shut up." "I love this song." " Yeah." " Shut up, Lou." "I can't really remember that."