"COMMENTATOR:" "So the anticipation builds, the brink of history, the moments that separate the gods from the mortals." "AII eyes paring down on this single figure." "Here we go." "He's done it!" "The legend of the Little Master grows!" "And they stand to salute Sachin Tendulkar." "TED:" "According to popular opinion," "Sachin Tendulkar is the second-greatest batsman in the history of world cricket." "Now, I never got to see Sir Donald Bradman wield the willow, but I did see Sachin on his first tour of Australia." "He was 18." "I was 14, and it was beautiful to watch." "I Channel Nine cricket theme." "MAN: 20 years on, he's still playing, and, in my opinion," "Sachin is the greatest cricketer ever." "The Little Master." "Me?" "I'm Ted Brown, the president." "WOMAN:" "This is the entertainment area." "An architect did the extension, but the colour palette is mine." "And this one, this is Teddy Brown." "He's mine." "Morning, Stav, Janine." "Ted's living in our garage..." "temporarily." " Mate, Stava-chino?" " Nah, nah, I'm right." " But you are playing, though, yeah?" " Mate..." "TED:" "This is Stav, the vice-captain and stylish all-rounder." " He talks a great game." " I've got a ton in me today, brother." "After Sasha and Shahni's swimming lessons and a trip to IKEA for my darling." "Stav's got it covered." "TED:" "If you don't play cricket, I guess it's hard to understand, but from the moment I first picked up a bat, I knew..." "Morning." "..This was my game." "I could see myself one day pulling on the baggy green cap, stepping onto the hallowed turf of the MCG and playing for Australia." "Ricky." "OK, there we go." "Let's hug one out." "TED:" "This is Ricky, the captain." "He's a gifted batsman, but he lacks the appropriate discipline." " Big night, was it?" " S0 big." " Hmm." " The biggest... ever." " You wouldn't pick it." " Are you going to make a speech, Ted?" " Last game of the season and all." " I should." "TED:" "Cricket is more than just a game." "It's the roar of the crowd and the crack of leather on willow." "It's skill and grace and drama in the pressure-cooker atmosphere of fierce competition, and it's all right here with the mighty Abbotsford Anglers Cricket Club." "Another season gone, eh, boys?" "Go by so fast, don't they?" "It's not been one of our finest." "Col?" "Four wins, eight losses, three forfeits." "TED:" "This is Colin, club secretary and statistician to the stars." "He loves the numbers." " We finished ninth." " So... no finals for us." "Chin up, lads, there's always next year, 'cause the spirit of cricket lives right here with the Anglers." "MAN:" "Yes, Teddy!" " It does." "It does." "It lives with Shadow, the big unit." "It lives with Punter and Gobba, Hangarz and Brett, elite athletes, every one of you." "And Colin." "Col's not missed a game for, what, seven...?" " 11." " 11... 11 years?" " 11." " 11 years on the trot." "I mean..." "JLISt..." " And Prince, he's..." "MAN:" "Princeton." "Always enthusiastic." " And Rick..." "MAN:" "Good on ya, Ricky." "He is here week in, week out, with or without a hangover." "Here, boys, here." "Here." "Where summer Saturdays, yeah, they're sacred, where best mates bond over bat and ball, where the dreams that we had as boys live on as men." "Yeah, come on, Anglers!" "Come on!" " Time to step up, Anglers." " Abbotsford, are you ready?" " Have you got a team?" " We got it all, Umpie." "We got it all." " Wield that axe, Teddy!" "Whoop-whoop!" " He's late again." "Stav has lost focus, have you noticed?" "He's played six games this year." "No batting like your grandma, Fanta Pants." "It's not a test match." "I suspect he's playing golf and hiding it from us." "Teddy, I wanna tell you something, before we start..." " I just wanna tell you something." " What?" "Rafaela's pregnant, mate." "I'm gonna be a dad." "We're having a baby." "MAN:" "Any time today, please, ladies." " Teddy, say something." "Gentlemen, please, too much time-wasting." "Let's get on with the game, otherwise I'll have to deduct some runs." "Everything is gonna be alright, Umpie." "Everything's gonna be alright." "Whoa." "Teddy!" "RICKY:" "Gonna be a dad." "We're having a baby." "Teddy... wah!" "TEAM:" "Ooh!" "STAV:" "That's it." "It's all over, mate." "Your sex life is over." "Once a human head pops out, you'll never look at that vagina the same way again." " What, it changes?" " Everything changes, Ricky." "You're gone, down a dark hole of pregnancy, nesting, newborns, marriage, not to mention no more cricket for little Ricky Poontang." " Shit, Teddy, is that an ingrown hair?" " Oh..." "With a family, it's very hard to justify a whole day standing around with a bunch of dudes wearing whites." "Priorities, Ricky." "TED:" "Priorities?" "What happened?" "We were gonna take on the world, you know?" "Now they're ready to throw it all away." "Some blokes lose perspective." "They let ladies and life just get in the way of cricket." "They have babies and they lose the passion, you know?" "Reflexes, eyesight goes." "It's just so hard to field the team these days." "A few precious hours on a Saturday." "That's too much to ask?" "You don't have to convince me, Teddy Brown." "We gotta do something." "Reignite that passion." " Another trivia night?" " No." "No, this is serious." " I'm the president of this club." " You are." " Don't." " No." "What do you reckon, Sachin?" "Are we ready to play for Australia?" " No." " You need a team." "I have a team." "No, I need a quality team." "TED:" "This is Sanjeet." "He's got money, loves cricket and he sponsors a team to India every year." "This is a very prestigious tournament." " And we're seasoned campaigners." " You mean 'old'?" "Uh, no, no." "I mean experienced in all facets of the game." "Not this game, Ted." "India's a whole new ball game." "We have been preparing for this our entire lives." " Aww..." " We are solid." "We've three premierships, two runners-up, and even one of those was very controversial too." "Please, Sanj..." " Listen..." " Please." "Trust me when I tell you this, Ted, this tour is out of your league." " But..." " Answer is no, Teddy." "Subhash..." "Can you please stop that noise, Colin?" "Who else are you gonna get?" "We are right here." " No, Teddy." " I'm..." "Hello?" "Subhash, my friend." "I'll get it sorted by the end of the day." "HEY" "Is anyone booked into net six this arvo?" "Top shelf." " Training?" " Yes." "This is highly unusual." "Yeah, Teddy's got an idea." "We have to look professional." " Uniforms..." " Uniforms open doors." "TED:" "This is the club's spiritual advisor, Prince." "He's the guru of the googly." " What does the president have in mind?" " Unclear at this stage." "There are several theories, however." "Perhaps a winter comp or a testimonial or maybe Teddy's been sniffing the bat oil again." " I left a message!" " Yeah, I got your messages, Teddy." " All 15 of them." " Mate, everyone is here." "I need my number three." "You're the best batsman in the club." "Well, that's correct, but I'm still not coming to training." "Do you remember when we were kids, hey?" "Internationals." "We had a dream." "Yeah, I know, Teddy, but I don't dream about cricket anymore." "All I dream about is drill bits and working the babysitter." " Summer is over, my friend." " Alright, alright, fine." "Well, if you're not coming down, the selectors are gonna be forced to take a new number three on tour." "Tour?" "What tour?" "And who was that?" "Teddy?" "Who hit that?" "Come on, mate." "I'm not asking too much, alright." "15 minutes, just wear the hat, pretend to be an Angler." " What's it in for me?" " Free net sessions for a week." " Make it a month." " Alright, alright, a month." "TED:" "This is Mark, the ring-in." "He's a regular in the nets and a regular young smart-arse." "And a new pair of shoes." "Alright, alright, OK, alright." "New shoes, new shoes." "Come on." " I could do with a new bat." " Couldn't we all." "Come on." "Hat." "Look alive, Anglers." "Let's look tall, let's look handsome." "Let's take a leaf out of Shadow's book." "A good-looking team is a successful team, Col." "Gobba!" " Whoa." " Oh-ho-ho!" "You got smacked, Gobba!" "This is exactly what we're talking about, guys." "Right on, off stump." "Sanjeet, you're still here?" " Who are these guys?" " Who?" "Oh, these guys?" "They're just my Anglers, off-season training." " Anglers?" " Yeah." " Young and keen and tight little unit." " So tight." " Who's that guy?" " Uh, that's..." "Yeah, who is that guy, Teddy, and why is he wearing an Angler's cap?" "That's very funny, Stav." "No, of course, that's Mark, my number three batsman." "Very handy." " How was golf?" " Don't know what you're talking about." "Gobba?" "Prince?" "Die, Twinkle Toes." " Very up-ish." "Get over it." "MAN:" "Get lessons, Stav!" "I'm Stavros Bane McEvoy, Anglers run-machine, club legend." " I hear there's a tour on offer." " A tournament." " Exclusive, or...?" " Highly exclusive." "I organised a team, but it has fallen through, and I don't like losing face." " Well, we can save your face." " Yeah." " Which grade to you play in?" " Well, we're D..." " A-grade." "We're totally A-grade." " Yep." "A-grade." "What about that guy?" " Will he play if I sponsor you?" " No." "We haven't actually worked out our touring 11 just yet." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, sponsor?" "Are we talking cash?" "Oh, no, no." "Ha-ha." "I don't pay players." "Just arrange for the flights and the accommodation." "That's all." "I mean, it's a major financial commitment to take a team to India." " India?" " India." " India?" " India, yes." " India?" " Mmm." " That is genius." "I am in." " It's the toughest tour in world sport." "A journey of enlightenment." " I'll need a new scorebook." " An international tour..." "Which makes me an international cricketer." "Playing for Australia, living the dream." "In India." "I'm in again." "I'm in twice." "I can't get more in... clia." "Yep?" "So give me your word." "A quality team to represent my academy, all the way to the finals in Bombay." "Abbotsford Anglers on tour and at your service." " Good." " Yes." "SANJEET:" "Abbotsford Anglers." "What a ridiculous name." "Now, don't muck it up, guys." "I don't want to lose face." "Be the change you want to see in the world, Ted." " OK, yep." " That's Gandhi." "A lot to learn from the man with no shoes." " Right." "RICKY:" "I wanna announce something." "Rick's bucks party in Bombay." "Signing off." "Signing off." "I Eve vi viPPee viPPee ai." "J' Singing eye yi yippee yippee ai." "J' Singing Abbotsford Anglers?" "Guys, guys, just shh!" "J' Singing eye yi yippee yippee ai." "I." "ALL:" "Yeah!" "J' Bhangra music." "RICKY:" "Incredible India, eh?" " You think they're all here for us?" "Dunno, but they're definitely all here." "Yeah, sure." "What's your name?" "ANGLER:" "Check it, Teddy!" "RICKY:" "Go, the Anklets!" " Look, Stav." "TED:" "Guys, guys, guys!" "OK, as of this moment, we are Australian cricketers on tour." "With that comes certain responsibilities, OK?" "So let's behave accordingly." "Everything in moderation." "Rick?" "Rick?" " Yes, sir." " Everything... in... moderation." "' Why me? " Right?"" "Now, let's play as a team, not as individuals." "Yes, Anglers." "Stay together and stay in uniforms because..." "ALL:" "Uniforms open doors." "They do, though." "That's the thing." "Just stay focused on the job at hand, and we can win that final in Bombay." "And the Anglers can live forever!" "J' Indian classical music." "TED:" "India - cricket's final frontier." "It's 1.2 billion cricket-obsessed locals versus 11 ambitious Australians." "Touring the subcontinent presents a whole new challenge for the international cricketer - the crowds, the chaos, the culture." "But a tour is also a unique opportunity for mates to come together, far from the distractions of home, to bond as a team and focus on what's important." "We have to be switched on 24/7, mentally and physically." "We have to take every opportunity to find an edge over our opposition, acclimatise to local conditions, and understand that the eyes of the world are upon us." "J' Flamenco guitar music." "J' Exotic singing." "COLIN:" "Give me the bowler, boys." "Give me the bowler." "CHILDREN:" "That's it, boys!" "COLIN:" "Catch him!" "Oh!" " Whoo-hoo." " Very good cricket." " Thank you." " What is your country?" "Uh, Australia." "I'm Ted Brown, Abbotsford Anglers." "What about you?" " Indian cricketer." "Sachin's brother." " Tendulkar?" "You're his brother?" "Are you ser..." "Can we meet him?" "Sorry, is that a yes or a no?" "Colin..." "OK, now, you say..." "Yeah." " Yeah, that's good." "That's good." " Buy flute, sir?" " No, I don't wanna buy a flute." " Just try, sir." "I don't wanna play the flute!" " I miss your bum." " Ohhhhh..." "RICKY:" "I wanna bite it." "It's little and wobbly." "Bloke down the road is making me a suit for 550 rupees." " What's that, ten bucks?" " Three pots of Carlton for a suit!" " What colour?" " Peach." "Ha-ha!" "I know." "How fuckin' hot is peach?" "Even you'd pick up in peach, Teddy." "Ooh, it's Janine." "Must be missing the battered Stav." "Namaste, sexy face." "Why are you crying?" "Don't cry, babe." "We've got plenty of time till it pops out." "Yeah, it's great." "Fantastic." "Smells like Nanna's armpits, but that's alright." "September?" "Shit." "No, I mean, 'Shit, how good..." "that it's soon... and not far away.'" "Yeah, he's good." "He's right here next to me." "Uh, not yet." "I haven't had a chance to, have I?" "No, no, my boys are right here." "J' Bollywood music." "Mmm... semi-hot." "Hot." "You're in India, Ted." "A world of flavour at your feet and you're eating baked beans." " Good enough for Warnie." "STAV:" "Oh, smoking hot." " Oh, hey!" "Not him." "Eww..." "TED:" "No, no, no." "Leather jacket, big hair, very popular with the local ladies." "STAV:" "Why wouldn't he be?" "Look at him." "He looks like a Bollywood Fonzie." "Hey!" "Who's up for a Mummy's Little Helper and a duty-free GT?" " That's me." " Excellent." "Hang on, hang on, hang on." "We've got a big game tomorrow, boys." " I'm having a baby in September." " Oh." " Mister Edward?" " Oh, great timing." "Can we get some tonic water and four glasses, please, soldier?" " And some ice, thanks, mate." " Don't eat the ice." "Sliced lemon, umbrellas and some salty snacks." "You choose." "Message for Australian Cricket President." "MAN:" "Ooh, message." "Yes, I am the Australian Cricket President." " Whoo." " Teddy Brown." "'Uh, Shri Subhash Chandrakant and the Aravind International Cricket Tournament welcome the Australian Anglers...'" "Thank you very much." "'.." "And cordially invite them to a press conference and drinks at the Kolkata Sports Club.'" "MAN:" "Press conference!" " And drinks!" "High five." " We are internationals." "ALL:" "Us." "Oh, will there be speeches?" "I really do like a speech." "Testing one, two." "One, two." "We are very much glad that the Anglian team has come all the way to Calcutta..." " Sit down, lads." " Should I sit...?" "To represent my old friend Sanjeet Thambuswarmy." "Australian cricket teams have fearsome reputations..." "Damn straight!" "Go, Anglers, Premiers 2001." "Rick, Rick..." "I'm sorry." "Sorry, Ted." "But tomorrow at Eden Gardens," "Kolkata Tramways Company will be a challenging test." " Oh..." " Well..." "The winning team will qualify for the tournament finals on the hallowed turf of Bombay Cricket Club." "Fix it." " Anjali." " What are you doing...?" "For the losers, it's off to Varanasi for the knock-out qualification game." "Ooh." " Oh, Teddy!" " Makes me proud." "I hope you are not so clumsy in the field tomorrow." "TED:" "We'll be fine." " Anyway, good luck, Australia." "Good luck, Anglicans, and good luck, Kolkata Tramway." "Um, if you'd asked me a month ago where I'd..." "Yep." "MAN:" "Good speech, Teddy." "Who's, um... who's the tasty local dish?" "Yeah, I think that might be Sanjeet's little girl, all grown up." " Come on." "Whoo-hoo!" " Is he drunk?" "He's not even drunk?" "This is how he dances normally?" "Gimme some more, gimme some more." " I said, a 'punt'." " Punt." "Yes." "It has its moments, but tell me, how's Melbourne?" "Dad says that you're still working in the shop?" "Yep, yep" "Ted's a manager now." "Head of retail." "Bats, balls..." " Hi, I'm Anjali." " Oh, you remember Colin." " We've met." " Yep." " He works in the Academy with me." " Mm-hm." " I do your old job." " Oh, really?" "Better than me, I hope." "I was hopeless..." " No..." " .." "Especially at the ball machine." " I'm very good at it." " I'm sure." " Mm-hm." " Are you still with your fiancée?" " Um, I forget her name." " Margaret." "No." "She left him." " Summer, 2005/06..." " I'm sorw." " .." "For another woman." " Oh, don't..." "Hockey player." "Been pretty quiet on the old lady front since, hey?" "Anjali!" "Whoo!" "From pimply teen to smoking Indian princess." " Hi, Stav." "Nice to see you." " Hello." "Likewise." "Hey, the Anglers' pin-up needs a photo with the big wigs." "This face belongs in the news." "Can you help?" "Of course." "Come on." "So, you're keeping stats on my love life now?" "I keep stats on everything, Ted, though that particular scoresheet has been blank for a long time." "Hey, hey, hey" "Is that your..." "is that your natural colour?" "Ted here's a redhead." "You guys should have a talk, ginge minge to ginge minge." "Which one is the captain?" "Uh, he's that... that guy." "What's he doing?" "?" "Rock and roll...?" "Mummy's Little Helper's kicked in." "?" "Rock and roll...?" "He's singing..." "?" "Rock and roll...?" "This is madness." "Let's go." "India, are you ready to rock'n'roll?" "MAN:" "Crikey." "MAN 2:" "Yeah!" "Ricky!" "Good morning." " Thank you." "How much?" " Four rupees." "OK." "Thank you." "Good morning." "Hmm..." "Ready to rock'n'roll, are we?" "What time did you get to bed?" "Dunno, but we weren't far behind you guys." "Rick and Prince got in at 5:47am." "They woke half the hotel singing Dreadlock Holiday in the lobby." " J' I was walkin' down the street..." "J'" " Rick..." "It's a media farce." "It's unbelievable." "Ooh." " J' I heard a dark voice beside of me J'" " Rick, what did we say on the bus?" "Moderation." "This calls for a suspension." "J' I looked around in a state of fright..." "J'" "Rick, the club is bigger than the individual." " J' I saw four faces, one mad J'" " This is simply not acceptable." "J' A brother from the gutter...?" "Come on, it's hardly the ideal preparation, is it?" "Mate, we've been preparing like this since we were 15." "Hey, you are meant to behave like a touring captain." "Don't." "Don't..." "I should take it off you." "No, consider this an official warning." "You step out of line again and you will be suspended." " What for, having fun?" "Banging drums?" " Yep." "All of the above." " This isn't a holiday, Richard." " Not with you around, Col." "I must have posed for, what, 1,000 photos last night?" " Teddy, have a look at this." " Oh, we made the paper!" " No, we didn't." " We made the paper." "'Anglers number three Mark Dickstick to represent the Australian visitors.'" " Him and I need to have a chat." " No." "What you need to do is let your bat do the talking, alright?" "Guys, come on!" "It's time to make our international debut." "J' I don't like cricket?" " God..." " J' Oh, no J'" " Ten minutes, in your whites." " J' I love it I." " Stav, 'Dreadlock holiday.'" " J' Dreadlock holiday." "I." "J' Indian folk singing." "Hey, Protein." "There's two types of people in this world, yeah?" "The Stavs and the Stav-nots." "We clear?" "Good." "It's not exactly Eden Gardens." "Where's the crowd?" "Paper said there'd be thousands here today." "Crowd?" "What about a pitch?" "It's a goat track, literally." "Just relax, boys." " We're on Indian time now." " They look fit." "Yeah, none of these cats were at the function yesterday." "Where are the fat conductors?" "J' Band plays tune." " Hi, Ted." " Sanjeet." "Mr Subhash, sir." " Nervous, Ted?" " A little, yeah." "Don't let the occasion get the better of you." " Good." " Go for it." "Good." "Righto, Anglers." "Come on." "OK, guys, please do not let the occasion get the better of us." "Ricky..." " Yes, it is our debut on foreign soil." " Listen to Ricky." "And, yes, the opposition do look imposing." "Bring it in." "Come on, guys." "And, yes, it is 600 degrees in the shade." " Innit." " But this is park cricket." "And no-one - and I mean no-one - plays park cricket like the Abbotsford Anglers." "Come on!" "Stavos, do you wanna bowl the first ball on the subcontinent?" "Let me just check." "Fuck, yeah." "Abbotsford..." "ALL:" "Anglers!" "J' Funk music." " Mine!" "Mine!" " Mine!" "Mine!" "0h!" "STAV:" "Come on, Teddy!" "Catch it!" "Mine!" "Highest score ever against the Anglers." "Yes, some very wrong fielding out there, Anglers." "I'm embarrassed for you." "All of you." " Did one of their batsman make 200?" " Yeah, the guy Teddy dropped twice." " Or was it three times?" " Twice." "Bloody hot, innit?" "We should've toured England." "Was that you that passed out at Fine Leg, Punter?" "Look at you guys!" "Come on, Anglers, fire up." "We can get these runs." "Small boundaries." "Teddy, you and me, opening the batting." " Pad up." " Yep, come on." "Big chase." " It's a big game." " Me at number three?" "No, no, the boys are right." "It's a big game." "Big-game players required." "I bat three, PYT." "But if you want fast runs, big bash, I'm the man." " Sorry?" "Hey?" "Who's the man?" " You da man, Stav." "0h!" "Score!" "Save your legs, son." "Oh-ho-ho!" "India!" " Yes, yes, yes!" " Come on!" "Bowl again!" " No!" " Come on, Ted." "Hit it." "STAV:" "Long way to 363, Prez." "That's 44 balls without scoring." "Oh!" "Oh, oh, oh, oh, wait, wait, wait." "Ted's just broken his own club record." "MAN:" "Go, Ricky!" "0h!" "Watch and learn, Teddy." "Watch and learn." "Alright, Anglers." "Prepare for a Stav-alanche." "Alright, Teddy, come on." "Come on." "Work the singles, Teddy." "I'm ready." "Alright, you hand it over to Uncle Stav." "MAN:" "Let's go, Anglers!" "TED:" "Yes!" " Wait!" "Wait!" "No, no, no, no, no!" " Oh, Teddy, no!" " Oh, you..." " Oh, no." "Jesus!" "Aarggh!" "MAN:" "Bad luck, Stavvy." "Hell!" "J' Band plays Channel Nine cricket theme." " Sir?" " Go away." "It's the detail of the lining, see, for the price, it really is..." "See, I'm not really an Angler, so here's my number." "You can call me any time." "No, thanks." "Any time." "It's... it's..." "We're just still not used to the glancing light of the Northern Hemisphere, but we will bounce back, I promise." "You better, or you are going to get bounced right out of the tournament." " Here, have one." " Uh, no, no." " No, I have Vegemite back at the hotel." " Actually, you don't." "The Prince and I got the munchies last night and nailed it." "Oh, have one of these." "These are really good, Teddy." "At some stage, you have to adapt to the change in conditions, Ted." "Go on." " Come on, Teddles." " Alright." "OK." "I will." "Here we go." " Hmm." "It's good." " How good's that?" "Ah, that thing, the head wobble, is that a yes or a no?" "Once you know that, you know India." "Hey!" " Whoa-ho!" " Hey, hey, hey!" "Hey?" "Don't you ever run me out again, Teddy." "Ho-ho-ho!" "TED:" "Leadership has its challenges." "It's my responsibility to keep team spirits up, move on from defeat, and remain focused on the job at hand." "Chai, chai, chai, chai..." "Hey, brother, you don't do coffee, by any chance?" " .." "Chai, chai, chai, chai." " Skinny latte with one?" "No, water." "Water for me." "Thank you." " Holy shit!" "STAV:" "It's Sachin's box?" "!" " You've still got it!" " Don't..." "Rick." "Rick..." " You are a freak!" " Rick, give that..." "No, Teddy..." "Abbotsford Anglers, this is Sachin Tendulkar's original protector." "MAN:" "Bullshit!" "As worn on his first tour of Australia." "When was that?" " Summer '91/92." " Why have you got his box, Teddy?" "We broke into the MCG change rooms, right, and we were, like, 15, 16." " I told him to steal a bat, but no..." " You made a trophy out of it?" " Please..." "Guys..." " Hello, hello." "I take to Sachin?" " I know, his brother!" " Hey, hey!" "Well, that's great, 'cause he must have been missing it, you know, freeballing all these years." "I wonder if the Little Master fits Stav's massive master." " Give it to me." " Breathe it in, Teddy." "Scent of Sachin." "Get off!" "ALL:" "Oh!" "What was that noise?" " Nothing." " Did you just shart?" " No." " What was that noise?" " Nothing." " I heard a wet, ripping noise." " Where are my poo tickets?" " Here." "Want me to come with you?" " What?" "Oh, that's..." "Oh..." " Do you need this?" "Nah." "MAN:" "Teddy Brown!" "MAN 2:" "Teddy..." "MAN 1:" "Brown!" "I Indian folk music." "Prez, you OK?" "You have these mates for 20 years, and then one day you just look at 'em and you're like..." "'Who are you?" "'" "Mid 30s." "Does something curious to a man, Ted." "First, they get a mortgage and stop laughing, wear beige shorts, play golf on Sundays, marry someone good and smart, name their kids something unusual like Tarragon, find themselves sitting at dinner parties talking about 'our renovations' and 'your renovations'," "and everything just keeps chugging along like God's own choo-choo train until one day, they end up in the newspaper, found naked in aisle five of IKEA with a semiautomatic and a tub of jelly." "TED:" "It won't stop!" " TED:" "Aaarrgghhh!" " Teddy?" "TED:" "Stav?" "Help!" "I think I'm dying." "Uh, well, I'm not sure what you want me to do, mate." " Uh, do you want Sachin's box?" "TED:" "No, toilet paper." "TED:" "Oh, and pants!" " Well, you're not getting my pants." "TED:" "Aaarrggghhh!" " Are you overreacting, Teddy?" "You sound like you're being raped in there." " Ooh!" "Aaah!" "TED:" "It won't stop!" " I just vomited on my own poo." " Aaah!" "No." " Stav!" " No!" "No!" "Oh!" " Oh!" "Ohh!" "Ohhh!" " Oh, Jesus!" "Chai?" "PRINCE:" "Varanasi - the city of Shiva on the banks of the sacred River Ganges, one of the holiest places in India." "It's the beating heart of the Hindu universe, a crossing place between the physical and spiritual worlds." "Hindu pilgrims come from all over to bathe in these waters, a ritual which washes away all sins." "Varanasi is an auspicious place to die since expiring here ensures release from the cycle of rebirths and an instant passport to heaven." "But what the good people of Lonely Planet failed to mention is that Varanasi is also the finest place in the world to free your mind." " Om, shanti." "Om." " Teddy Brown looking shaky." " Here she is." " Oh, Prez." " You look a million rupees." " Wow, you look sensational." " You'll be alright to play, Teddy?" " Yeah, yeah." "No, no, no." "I'm coming good." "I'll play." "I'll play." "I'll play." "Big game tomorrow, boys." "Varanasi Toymakers Association." " Ooh, toy-makers." " I know." " Must win." "Gotta focus." "Got to focus." "PUNTER:" "Anything we can do?" "Yes, uh, training." " Maybe a net session, if possible." "MAN:" "What did he say?" "Keep up the waters and don't eat the kebabs." " Noted." " Shadow's already had about 16 of them." " How are your stools holding up, mate?" " Firm as." " Champagne corks." " You're joking." " Firm?" " What?" "No liquid?" " I got that hot green ice-cream-y..." " Mine's like a puree, actually." "Fires out of me like an assault rifle." "It's, like, 'Bah!" "'" "Stop it!" "0K, 0K, 0K, guys, 9W5, guys, as important as all that sounds, the whites, we need to get 'em washed, look professional." "You just leave it to me, eh?" "Or Colin." "Gotta be a drycleaner around here somewhere." " Oh, that's not..." " Oh, you alright?" " Oh, that's the good stuff." " Run, Teddy." "Our president just needs to relax." "What we all need to do is relax, Varanasi-style." "J' Indian-influenced psychedelia." "Beautiful." " So have you told Teddy yet?" " What?" " About moving out of the garage." " Yeah." "Oh, no." "I will, before we leave." "I better." "Janine's packed up his stuff and put it on the front lawn." "Whoa!" "That's real." "Ooh!" "MARK:" "Ted?" "Hey, Teddy, I know you're in there, man." "Look, um, can you put me up the batting order tomorrow?" "I need some more time in the middle." "The dude who runs the tournament's gonna be there with talent scouts." "I could open." "That'd be good..." "for me... and for the team." "Rick and Stav are just holding us back." "RICK:" "Hey!" "STAV:" "Feel my pain, Ravi!" "Shot, Stavros!" "Four bits." "Pardon?" "It's only two runs if you get it in the river." "Anjali!" "What are you doing here?" "Dad's here, and I've always wanted to see Varanasi." "It's a long way from the banks of the Yarra, huh?" "You took a shot, Ravi!" " Oh!" " Oh, shot, Stavosaurus!" "Stavishnu, the God of Cricket!" " You still love it, don't you?" " What?" "The cricket." "The game and the boys..." " Oh, that's massive!" " Yeah, it's the best." " The best?" " Mm-hm." "Oh, unless you play, you wouldn't understand." "STAV:" "What've you got, Ravi?" "What've you got?" "~ om _ ooh!" "I guess you're right." "Smokin' hot and a handy cricketer." "Lovely to see you again, Anjali." " I believe you're up." " I don't bat." "But Teddy here's a little master." "He'll have a go." "Won't you?" "Have you come all this way to chat up our president?" " Stav..." " No." "Dad's organised a dinner at the Taj and I've come to invite him." " The Taj?" " Classy." "I have just the suit." " Not you." "Just the president." " Hmm." "And Shri Subhash will be there." "Ah, the big wig with the big wig." "It's all yours, Teddy." "So Taj Palace Hotel, 8pm, and the big wig is gunning for the Anglers, so look sharp." " Bye." " Bye, Anjali." "Brother..." "I think someone wants to oil your bat, Theodore." "No, no, she's here to help her dad." "Mate, a girl like that does not travel halfway across India just to be with her daddy." " Pad up and have a crack." " Really?" " Oh, you're just..." " No, I should ask Sanjeet first." " Mate, it's not a high-school formal." " That's the way they do it in India." "I need a yoghurt-based beverage like I'll never love again." " Who's with me?" " Brother." "Actually, is yoghurt good for an upset stomach?" " Is it?" "STAV AND RICK:" "Bang on." "You know, it tastes like freshly cut grass smells." "Organic." "I've gotta go and speak to Sanjeet and Subhash about his hallowed turf in Bombay..." "Mumbai." " Anyway, is it Bombay or Mumbai?" " Relax." " So, mate..." " I think it's Bumbai." "Is it Bum..." "Teddy?" "Ted, would you be the best man at my wedding?" "It is Bumbai." "Raf wants to have it at her place in Barbados." "I'd really like it if you and Stav could be there with us." "Internationals." "We're thinking about moving there." "You know, living on the beach, bringing up a kid, no TV, just catching fish..." " Yeah, you can't do that." " What?" "That." "There." "You're the captain of the Abbotsford Anglers." "I'm talking about getting married and having a baby, Ted." "How about 'congratulations, mate' or 'good luck'?" "I'm talking about a 20-year history with three premierships and Saturday afternoons." "We're a park cricket team, Ted." "We're 35..." "Sachin's 40." "He still plays, nothing changes." "I don't get it." "You only get one innings in life." " I just want it to be like it was." " It can't be how it was." "And you can't be living in Stav's garage anymore." "STA V:" "Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo, hey?" "He was supposed to tell you..." "It's time to grow up, Ted." "PRINCE:" "Teddy Brown on the Bhang Lassis!" "Now, that is a train we should all get on board." "Can we have another round of 'specials', thanks, Guv'nor?" " What's in these drinks?" " It's no big deal, mate." " It's just a bit of weed." " Oh, Ricky..." "We're just trying to loosen you up, Sachin, play some shots." "Rick..." "Doesn't anybody care that we are playing for Australia tomorrow?" "Come on, Teddy!" "Teddy, come back!" "I Indian-influenced rock music." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "You look like an art installation, bro." " Are you in the right place?" " Happy Holi." "Ted Brown, Abbotsford Anglers Cricket Club on tour." "Hey, we have a cricketer." "He looks more like a dancer." "You know, in fact, can you do us a show?" "Now, the poodle." "There's the poodle's friend." " Now they want their lawn mowed." " The lawnmower!" "I like it!" " Ted?" " Oh, Anjali!" "Am I late?" " Am I late?" "I'm late!" " Do you know who that is?" "Tusshar Rai." "He's a movie star." " 'Kiss  Tell' Tusshar Rai?" " Yes, yes, yes!" "You're the dude from telly." "The Bollywood Fonzie." "Eehhhh!" "MAN:" "You're funny, yeah?" "And you look too smart to be hanging out with Mr Bojangles here." " What's your name?" " Anjali, actually." "And she is smart, she's grown-up, she's got two degrees and she can play cricket too, which I didn't know until today - well done on that - and do you know what?" " What?" " She's hanging with me." "Yeah." " You are out of your mind." " I know!" "It was really lovely to meet you, but we have to go." "Do you think your dad would mind if we just danced a little?" "Dance with her, Mr Bojangles, because if you don't, somebody else will." "Eehhhh!" "Ted got caught up in the Holi festivities." "Yes." "Looks like he took my suggestion to embrace Indian culture." " You like India?" " Um, it's full-on." "It is full-on, but the food takes a little getting used to." "You know, I got the squirts on the train and it was pretty wrong." "Ted..." "It sort of came out like a green curry." "Do you have Mr Whippy here?" " Ted, don't talk about that..." " Hmm?" "This is madness." "But there is something special about this place." "You know, it's the people." "They are beautiful." "Actually, Sanjeet, I do have something to ask you, and it's about your beautiful daughter." "Stop right there!" "Remember why you are here!" "A cricket tournament!" "And look at you!" "An embarrassment." "I can't believe, Sanjeet, you really thought this childish fool could win you a cup, a trophy?" "Ha!" "Disgusting." " Subhash..." "TED:" "Sanjeet..." "Sanj, Sanj..." "Did I just lose your face?" "I have a question for you, Ted." "The Anglers, they aren't really A-grade, are they?" "Oh, no, we're just below C..." "We're a D-grade team." "I thought as much." "Come, Anjali." "Anj..." "Anj!" "Anj!" "We gonna bat or bowl first tomorrow, Ted?" "Jesus, Col, you scared the shit out of me." "I was just looking back through the stats and I think we should bowl." "Can we just... not talk about cricket for one second, please?" "Do you know if the whites came back from the cleaners?" "Colin!" "No!" "Just something is not right." "They might've been blessed in a holy river, but these whites have come back pink." " Shit, shit, shit, shit!" " Yours not right either?" " Have you been messing with my kit?" " I would never touch your kit." "TED:" "Discipline - it's what holds any team together." "Without it, a leader has no authority and a great team is little more than a rudderless ship." "PRINCE AND RICK:" "Whoa!" "RICK:" "Unnecessary." "Oh, Teddy!" "The Little Master has blessed us a joint on this auspicious occasion." " I should've picked this." " What?" "I try to hold it all together, make this team work for all of us and you treat it like a bloody joke." "It's a joint, mate." "Chillax, mate." "We're gonna be at the game." "We'll play the game." "No, don't come to the game." "You're suspended." " You're off the team indefinitely." " Hang on." " Rick!" "Give it to me!" " Hang on..." "Oh, fuck." "Look, you broke it." "Well done." "You're suspended..." "You're suspended too, for breaking the Hector." "Hector suspension." "Hey, uh, good luck to that kid of yours too." "He's gonna need it." "J' Indian-influenced psychedelia." "Teddy!" "Teddy, how'd you go?" "Did you score?" " Don't even ask." " Hey?" "How was dinner?" "Teddy goes to Bollywood." "I knew I should have been there." "Sanjeet was not impressed, and the big wig wants to kill me." "We have to win today." "Well, suspending Ricky may not have been the smartest move, then." "He doesn't give a shit about the game." "I should have sent him home." "That's a bit extreme." "Now we're one man short." "I'm extreme." "Well, maybe I should go home, then." " Hey?" " Back to the garage?" "So who's captain?" "I wanna call heads." "Which side is heads?" " Deer is head." " Deer?" "I call deer." " Deer head." " Deer." " Head." " Is that a deer?" "Yes!" "We're gonna bowl." "You're going down." " Stavy..." " Come on, Anglers!" "Bring it in." "We're gonna have a bowl, yeah?" "This is much more our style - small ground, bouncy wicket and an opposition in weirder outfits than us, OK?" "In the absence of the Angler formerly known as Rick," "Teddy, you are keeping today, my friend." "They are not regulation whites." "One of their players has no shoes." "That's all perfect, mate." "Let's crush some toes and head to Mumbai winners." " You right, Anglers?" " Let's go, Anglers!" "Come on!" "Going-down toy boys!" "MAN:" "Go, stavy!" "MAN 2:" "Come on, Anglers!" "TED:" "Lovely nuts!" " Catch it!" " Mine!" "MAN:" "Stav!" "MAN 2:" "Keeper, keeper!" "Punter, two more from that end." "Shads, you bring it up from here." "MAN:" "Catch it, catch it!" " Mine!" "Oh!" "STAV:" "Lightning, Shadow!" "MAN:" "Get there!" "SEVERAL:" "Catch him!" "MAN:" "Good enough, Gobbs!" "Good enough!" "MAN:" "Anglers!" "TED:" "This is good." "Come on, boys." "We can win this." "GOBBA:" "Well bowled, boys." "Anglers on top!" "PUNTER:" "Time to bet big, fellas." "We are hot favourites today." "A hot captain has a lot to do with that Punter." "Two words - leadership qualities." "Alright, here's the scoop." "Gobba, Punter, pad up." "You're opening." "I'm a three, of course." "Teddy, rock-solid at four." "Shads, five." "Hangarz, Brett and Prince." "Let me open." "I can make that total off my own bat." "Anyone who's not a real Abbotsford Angler can bat at number 11." "MAN:" "Stav..." " There's only ten of us, Stavros." " Ricky's not playing." " Congratulations, Marky." " You've been promoted to number ten." " This is bullshit!" "I didn't come to India to get jerked around by a bunch of dickheads!" "There is no 'I' in 'Abbotsford Anglers', yeah?" "Yeah?" "Come on!" "We are all one, brothers - separation is the illusion." "Let me go!" "You dinosaurs don't know how to win." "The game has passed you by." "Relax, teddy!" "I'm fine." "We can chase this score down easily, with or without Justin Beebop." "MAN:" "Let's go, Punter!" "Head down, Punter!" "If you want a job done right..." "Oh, fuck me!" "MAN:" "Catch it!" "CROWD:" "Ooh!" "0h!" " No, no, no, no, no!" "SOME:" "Argh!" "Alright, Colin, just steady, mate." "We've still got this." "Don't panic - let Teddy just grind it out, alright?" " Nothing stupid." " Alright." " Jesus, Colin." " Every ball on its merits, Colin!" "Every ball on its merits!" "SEVERAL:" "Howzat?" "!" "I didn't touch it!" "I didn't touch it!" "But I didn't touch it!" "MAN:" "Let's go, Anglers!" "You're an Angler, brother!" "Only three runs." "That's all we need." "Just nothing rash." "Just take it easy." "This is just how I planned it, Marky Mark." "Setting you up to be the hero, brother!" "Let's go, my brother!" "MAN:" "Finish him off!" "MAN 2:" "Back him up, Teddy!" "STAVROS:" "We're a team, boys!" "Easy, boy" "Oh, Mark!" "MAN:" "What are you doing?" "!" "TED:" "Mark!" "He's thrown the game!" "Argh!" "Now we win, huh?" "Because you have only ten players." "Just hang..." "Just hang on a sec." "Just three runs." "I'll do the hitting." " I can't." " You don't even have to face a ball." "Just stand at the other end, holding a bat." " I haven't played for 20 years." " You never lose it." "Cricket, it's in your blood." "If we lose, we're out." "Finished." "But if we beat these guys, we're into the finals in Bombay." "For you." "For us." "And it would really piss Subhash off, no?" "Just three runs." "MAN:" "Go, boys!" "MAN 2:" "Just three runs!" "Bring him on!" "Run!" "Just the one!" "Just the one!" "One more!" "Argh, fff...!" "Hello." "Mr Thambuswamy has had an infarction." "An infection?" "No, an infarct." "What, like, he's totally 'farked'?" "Not totally." "A small infarction of the heart." "Oh, Jesus." "It's the formation of an infarct." "The artery may be blocked by an embolus, thrombus or arteriosclerotic plaque." "He can surely be fine, as long as he doesn't take up Twenty20, yeah?" "Well, you sacked Ricky, we're out of the tournament and you've given the old man a heart attack." "All the best getting into his daughter's pants now." " Are you..." " Stav needs a drink." "If you need him, he'll be at the Taj." "Gentlemen, it's been deep." "Ted, you right?" "MAN:" "See you, Teddy." "What were you thinking?" "We only needed two runs." "It's a game." "He's an old man." "Easy on the 'old'." "It was so close." "If Rick had been there, it would've been different." " Yes." " Is that all you care about then?" " Winning?" " No..." " Yes!" " Yeah." "Yeah." " I made a promise..." " It's OK, Ted." "It's OK." "I understand." "He's just trying his best for something he believes in." "What does he believe in?" "I'll tell you what he believes in." "He believes that men can be little boys forever." "Playing games." "Isn't that right?" "I think you should go now, Ted." "Yeah." "You..." "HEY" "Hey, mate." "I'm sorry." "About the box." "And the yoghurt drink." "And the tour." "There's no excuses." "Things are changing, man... so fast that I'm scared too." "I'm so scared." "MAN:" "Gentlemen!" "Where have you been, man?" "Be-bop!" "I have been at the Taj, brother, with Teddy's Bollywood mates." "They speak very highly of your dancing, Teddy." "They said we should just turn up to the finals anyway." " Stav..." " Anything can happen in Bollywood!" "Sachin's home turf!" "Whee-hee!" " Come on." " Teddy?" "Let's give Sachin back his box, eh?" " How's that sound?" " No." "It's stumps." " What?" " See you later, Anglers." "It's over." " Mate, it's not all over." " We've got a buck's party to go to!" " Whoo!" " Bollywood, baby!" "Do you guys not get it?" "It's over!" "If you don't wanna play cricket anymore, fine." "You got what you wanted." "Have a look at you." "Go and party some more, Stav." "Go to Bollywood." "You go and smoke crack out of the box or give it to the next bloke who tells me he's Sachin Tendulkar's long-lost frickin' brother!" "I am..." "I'm done!" "MAN:" "Ted." "I'll be leaving the tour in Mumbai." "I got a gig on another team." "They think I can do really well here." "IPL, even." "Anyway..." "STAV:" "Yeah, that'd be great, mate, and a big banner." "Like something..." "Yeah, Rick's." "No, not with an 'X'." "Excellent, and you make it here in your store?" " Yeah, yeah." " And you can do gold stripes on blue?" " Yeah, gold stripe, yeah." " You can do it by tonight?" " We need 11." " Definitely, sir." "Mumbai's 24/7, mate." "Anything you want, you can get." " Anything?" " Anything." "You hear that, Stav?" "Anything we want." "We're on, and they've got a team." "Yeah!" "Hello, sir." "Hello, sir." "You like this one?" "You like this one?" "100 rupees only, sir." " For wife, your children?" " We don't want it." "Go away." "Go away!" "Is a buck's party an official function?" "We should probably wear our uniforms." "Will Sanjeet be there?" "Lucky you didn't kill him." "That'd be a new one for the scorebook." "'Dead before wicket.'" "That's funny!" "Well, now." "You'll be alright, Teddy." "We'll get some new players when we get back home." "Start all over again." "MAN:" "No entry without today ticket." "The counter is in there, isn't it?" "So how can I change my ticket if I'm out here?" "No entry without today ticket." "There, check my bag." "See?" "Gloves and pads and all sorts...?" " Australian cricketer?" " That's right, I am." " Ah, Ricky Ponting?" " I am Ricky Ponting!" " Have that." " Oh!" "Can I go now?" "Thank you." "MAN, ON TV:" "He's done it!" "WOMAN, ON TV:" "The cricket world is buzzing today with rumours that Sachin Tendulkar is about to announce his retirement from international cricket." "Known the world over as 'The Little Master'," "Tendulkar has spent more than 20 years at the top, the most decorated and dedicated player in history." "Sources close to him have revealed he has played his last game for India and he is about to make a statement to the press." "It is believed that while he will miss the game he loves, it's time to focus on his friends and growing family." "SACHIN:" "Now, my life has started, actually." "You can wake up in the morning and complain to God for things you wish you had." "That way, you'll never be happy." "Or you can wake up in the morning and thank God for what you do have - your friends, your family, your loved ones." "This is the way to happiness." "If you rejoice in the way things are, the world belongs to you." "TED:" "Sometimes, as a leader, you've got to be man enough to recognise when your game plan isn't working." "And that's time for reinvention and a whole new approach." "Mate, sorry." "Can we just stop?" "Just here." "Go, Bretty!" "Go, Bretty!" "Looking sharp, Ricky!" "Ah!" "Uniforms open doors." "Ah!" "Hug it out." "Hug it out." "Hey, nice pa PW!" "It's a party now." "Thought you weren't coming for a second." "Oh, mate!" "I love it." "What is it?" "It's not for you, it's for the baby." "It's Hanuman, monkey god of self-control, faith and pure devotion." " Did you just make that up?" " I may have, yeah." "Soft toy." "Nice touch." "Come here." "Hey?" "Now, where have you been?" "Your Bollywood mates have started to fret." " I like to keep them waiting." " Well, let's go." "You too, Ricky." "What do you boys think of my commission?" "Yeah, it's good." "Is that you in the middle?" "RICK:" "Do I look like John Farnham?" "TED:" "A little." "Ladies and gentlemen of the Bollywood Glitterati, how hot is peach?" "I'd like to propose a toast." "To the young Buck, the ravishing Rick Shaw." "And secondly, to the fashionably late." "President of the wildest cricket tour on record, ladies and gentlemen, Mr Downtown Teddy Brown!" "Look who's here" " Mr Bojangles." "Are you gonna dance for us?" "No, no, no dancing tonight." "But mind if I make a speech?" "Yeah!" "Go, Teddy!" "Speech!" "Uh, I guess a buck's night is all about saying goodbye to an old life and hello to a new one." "I for one haven't been ready to let go of the way we've always been." "But things are changing." "Life's not about clinging tight to what you once had." "It's like Rick, it's having a crack at something new." "It's manning up." "Because, well, we're not little boys anymore." "So this is a little overdue." "Congratulations, Ricky, on finding 'The One'." "MAN:" "Good on you, Ricky!" "I wish you nothing but the best." "Thank you." "Think quick, Teddy, think quick!" "MAN:" "Say thanks, Teddy!" "MAN:" "Show us!" "I gotta take it off first!" "Look, guys, cricket is just a game." "CROWD:" "Come on, Teddy..." " No, no, I've realised." "It's about priorities." "Family and friends and lovers, that's all we've got." "I love you, Anglers." "I love you too, Teddy Brown!" "We all love you, Teddy." "ALL:" "We love you, Teddy!" "I think I'm gonna puke." "That's the problem with Aussie cricket these days, man." "You guys are all New-Age and metrosexual." "You come to India, lose every single game, yet have the audacity to celebrate?" "MAN:" "Oh, get out!" "That's not how it would be in my team, Mr Bojangles." " Sorry, your team?" "STAV:" "That's right, Teddy." "The Fonz has a cricket team." "This is India." "Everyone has a team." "Alright." "One final game." "Your Bollywood posers versus my New School Anglers." "Twenty20 style!" "Teddy, quickly, we have a problem." "Mark is gone, we're one short." "We can't field a team." "Ah." "Who else is gonna look good in Angler blue?" "Don't even think about it." "J' Bollywood." "It's a marvellous night for cricket here at the glittering Bombay Cricket Club, and the celebrities have come out to play an impromptu international challenge." "Super hunk Tusshar Rai has gathered together a star-studded Bollywood team and they're going to take on the unknown team from Down Under, the Abbotsford Anglers." "J' Bollywood song." "Yes, Anjie!" "Keep up!" "Keep up!" "COMMENTATOR:" "Listen to the roar of the crowd as this Twenty20 match comes to life." "The Anglers are working hard in the field, but do they have any answers for the hard-hitting hero from Bollywood, Tusshar Rai?" "We need a bit of magic." "What you got, Prince?" "No idea." "PRINCE:" "But the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." "He)!" "' Fonzie!" "Now, Anglers, Anglers, Anglers." "I said a lot of things at Rick's party." "Things about life and love and fluffy toys." "I want you to forget everything I said." "Alright?" "Right now, it is about this Australian team winning a game of cricket in India!" "Come on!" "Get out there!" "Stop the game!" "Stop the game!" "Stop the game!" "This is a private club!" "MAN:" "What's the problem?" "What's going on?" "Let the boys play." "This is nothing to do with you." "Mr Subhash, Mark." "What are you doing here?" "You have no right to set foot on this hallowed turf." "I know, we messed up in Varanasi and I've apologised to Sanjeet." "RICK:" "No, I'm sorry, I should have been there." "I was off my face..." "I did get a bit Alpha that clay, just a little bit." "No, I should apologise for throwing the match." " But I take 100% responsibility..." " Oh, come on, stop it!" "Stop it!" "This is a private club!" "Only for members!" "By invitation!" "Yeah, I'm a member." "Who are you?" "Mr Subhash, you know Tusshar Rai, Bollywood superstar?" "He seems to have an issue with his 'hallowed turf'." "They're my guests." "SUBHASH:" "This team is masquerading as A-grade cricketers." "Ha!" "You should be ashamed." "And you should stop masquerading as a redhead." "That polyester rug isn't fooling anyone." "Come on, Anglers, you can win this." "Very funny." "TED:" "Mate, great innings." "Let's go, Punter." "Well done." "Well played, champ." "We're gonna win this." "I've got something for you." "Calm the nerves." "Mate, I don't need your uppers or your downers or your mummy's little sideways helpers." "Mate, I'm good." "You're Sachin today." "Wear it." "How did..." "Well, holy man rescued it for us from the River Ganges." "It's totally blessed now." "Come on!" "Good time, Gobb!" "CROWD:" "Oh..." "Argh!" "Well, it's all happening here." "The wickets keep tumbling and now the Anglers need just six runs to win up the final over." "It's crunch time for the tourists and their president, Ted Brown." "Can he handle the pressure-cooker atmosphere?" "This is what cricket is all about." "Here we go." "Come on, Ted." " Let's go, Teddy!" " Come on, Teddy!" "MAN:" "Come on, Teddy!" "Alright." "Stay focused." "Alright?" "Six to win." "Six balls left." " You are the man for the job." " Yes, I am." " Best batsman in the club's history." " That's correct." " That's why you're number 3." " Mm-hm." "And Maiden Century on foreign soil - the dream." "Please, shut up, Ted." "Shut up, shut up." "The reason I didn't tell you about kicking you out of the garage is..." "Teddy, please, please, please." "Is because I really like having you around." "But it's Janine." "It's Janine, alright?" "She wants a yoga studio." "I really want a man cave but she's very persuasive." " She talks and I can't..." " It's OK." "It's time." "Just bring it home." " So we're good." " Mate." "MAN:" "Bring it home!" "CROWD:" "Come on, Stav!" "Come on!" "Six runs, baby, come on." "Take the glory, Stav." "It's all yours." "Play your natural game." "Come on, baby, let's go, let's go." "All good, Teddy, all good." " MAN:" "Do it again..." " Stav." " Come on, mate." " Have a crack!" "Come on, Stav!" "No, Ted, no, no, just the one!" "Just the one!" "Stavy, what are you doing?" "Why didn't you run?" "You finish this, Teddy, you finish it!" "Come on!" "TUSSHA R:" "Scared, Ted?" "Ah, shit." "Come on, Ted!" "Come on, Teddy!" "So, uh, this team's from Melbourne, huh?" "Yes." "The Abbotsford Anglers." "The best D-grade team I've ever sponsored." "ISinging eye yi yippee yippee ai." "ISinging Abbotsford Anglers Abbotsford Anglers." "ISinging eye yi yippee yippee ai." "I." "IBollywood." "II was walking down the street." "IConcentrating on trucking right." "II heard a dark voice beside of me." "land I looked around in a state of fright." "II saw four faces, one mad." "IA brother from the gutter." "IThey looked me up and down a bit." "land turned to each other." "ALL:" "II don't like cricket." "IOh, no!" "II love it!" "'Poh!" "Yeah!" "II don't like cricket." "IOh, no!" "II love it!" "'Poh!" "Yeah!" "II don't like cricket." "IOh, no!" "II love it." "'Poh!" "Yeah!" "II don't like cricket." "IOh, no!" "II love it!" "I." "Hey, hey, hey" "This is Bollywood." "The hero gets the girl." "MAN:" "Save your legs, Teddy!"