"(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "(theme song ending)" "(playing piano)" "♪ There's a brand-new baby at our house ♪" "♪ The nicest little gift we've ever had ♪" "♪ How much fuller life's become ♪" "♪ No one knows what makes it hum ♪" "♪ Till you call each other Mommy and Dad ♪" "♪ There's a brand-new baby at our house ♪" "♪ And though he's been there just a little while ♪" "♪ In the parlor, in the hall ♪" "♪ Every picture on the wall ♪" "J" Seems to know because they all wear a smile ♪" "I I can't explain what he does to my heart ♪" "I I can't explain what he does to my heart ♪" "♪ With his infant charms ♪" "♪ I never knew what heaven was ♪" "♪ Till I held an angel in my arms ♪" "♪ There's a brand-new baby at our house ♪" "♪ He's twice as sweet as honey from the comb ♪" "♪ He's the image of my spouse, he's the tricky Mickey Mouse ♪" "I Who has changed our happy house to a home ♪" "♪ We thank the Lord ♪" "♪ Whose love and wondrous powers ♪" "♪ Gave us that brand-new ♪" "♪ Grand-new ♪" "♪ Baby of ours. ♪" "Oh, Ricky, that was wonderful." "That's great." "Rick, did you really write that song?" "Yeah." "I wrote it for Lucy." "I'm going to take it down to the hospital and play it for her." "See, I was recording it while I was singing it." "Oh, isn't that clever?" "Where did you get this thing?" "Well, Lucy bought it to record the baby's first words." "How could she buy it if she's in the hospital?" "Well, the lady in the next bed is a salesman for the tape recorder company." "ETHEL:" "What?" "Yeah, no kidding." "This lady has a baby every year and she sells enough recorders to pay for the baby." "And you know how Lucy is." "We certainly do." "Remember that Handy Dandy Company?" "Ay-yi-yi." "Oh, gee, I'll never forget the expression on Lucy's face that morning when I brought the mail up to her." "Good morning, Lucy." "Hi." "What's the matter with you?" "Oh, it's that Cuban sorehead I'm married to." "I just had my weekly lecture about spending too much money." "What'd he have to say this time?" "I couldn't understand most of it." "All I could get was that pesos don't grow on trees." "Well, it's over for another week." "I brought up your mail." "Good." "What's this?" "Oh, no." "Oh, I don't want Ricky to know that I bought this." "This is a kitchen gadget that I saw demonstrated on television." "Where can I hide it?" "How about the refrigerator?" "That's a good idea." "He'd never look in there." "He'll never think of looking in here in a million years." "ETHEL (whispering):" "No, I guess not." "There, you think that's safe?" "Yeah, I think it's safe." "Ricky!" "What's in the package you don't want me to see?" "Nothing." " Let me see the package." " Nothing." "Statue-of-liberty play, Ethel." "Okay." "Throw it here, Ethel!" "Now, Ricky, give me that thing." "That's mine, Ricky." "Now, wait a minute." "Let me see." "Let's see what's in the package." "Let's see what's in the package." "What is it?" "It's a Handy Dandy kitchen helper." "I saw it demonstrated on television." "It's a tremendous bargain when you think of all the things you can do with it." "How much is it?" "Uh, it rices, dices, and splices." "Lucy, how much?" "It cuts down on the time that a housewife has to spend in the kitchen." "How much?" "About two hours a day." "Lucy... $7.98." "$7.98!" "Yeah, but you'd think it was cheap at twice the price if you saw all the things the man does with it on television." "I watch him every day." "Here, I'll show you." " FRED:" "Ethel?" " Yeah." "You'd better come down and let me see what you want me to do with that clothesline." "Just a minute." "Come on in." "Lucy's going to give us a demonstration." "Of what?" "A woman's stupidity." "That shouldn't take very long." "All right, now you all stand over there." "Now, ladies and gentlemen" "I am about to demonstrate the Handy Dandy kitchen helper." "It's something you shouldn't be without." "It peels and splices, cuts and rices skins and dices at lowest prices." "Now watch me closely, ladies and gentlemen." "I will set the dial for French fries, and then by turning this handle," "I will cut this potato into 16 identical slices." "Here we go." "Oh, I must have had it set for baked potato." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "I didn't have it right on French fries." "That was it." "Here we go." "16 identical slices." "It looked so easy when the man did it on television." "Oh, honey, maybe you just haven't got the hang of it yet." "Well, I did what they told me." "Honestly, Fred, why is it that women have no sales resistance whatsoever?" "I don't know." "They'll buy anything." "Lucy doesn't know the meaning of the word "no."" "Ethel doesn't either." "Lucy is a sucker for any sales pitch." "Ethel is too." "Lucy and Ethel make me sick." "Now, honey, you, you must admit that you'll buy anything that comes along." "I'm no worse than you are." "How about that little purchase you made at the war surplus store?" "That was a necessary item." "Oh, sure." "You never know when you're going to use a 20-foot rubber life raft." "What are you laughing at, fatso?" "You're just as bad." "What are you talking about?" "Now, look, look, look." "The fact is that you've just thrown eight dollars down the drain for... this." "$7.95, and it isn't down the drain." "I got it on a three-day free trial." "If I don't want it, I just call them up and tell them to take it back." "Well, then call them up." "No." "Lucy, either you're going to call them up and tell them to take it back, or I'm going to use it to demonstrate how to cut a wife into 16 identical slices." "Really?" "(door buzzer)" "Mrs. Ricardo?" "Yes?" "I'm Harry Martin of the Handy Dandy Company." "Oh, yes, I've been expecting you." "Won't you come in, please?" "Mr. Martin, this Handy Dandy kitchen helper does not work and I have it on a three-day free trial and I don't want it." " You'll have to take it back." " Gladly." "It isn't any good, and I'm not going to pay for it." "Of course you're not." "I see no reason why I should..." "What'd you say?" "I said of course you're not going to pay for it." "We don't want you to keep any merchandise that you're not happy with." "You don't?" "No, of course not, and you're quite right not to want that." "Why, that isn't a wise buy at all." "In fact, Mrs. Ricardo," "I wouldn't let you keep this dreadful little gadget even if you begged me to." "I'm glad you didn't want that." "That shows me that you're a woman of judgment and taste." " Really'?" " Yes, indeed." "When you opened that door, I said to myself, I said," ""Harry, there stands a woman of judgment and taste."" "ls that so?" "Mm-hmm." "Mrs. Ricardo, you have no idea of the inferior type of humanity that I have to contend with in my profession." "Why, you just wouldn't believe some of the women that I have to talk to." "They... they have no intelligence at all." "My goodness." "Mm-hmm." "Why, just this morning, I ran in..." "Say, I'll bet I'm keeping you from something important." "Oh, no, no." "Not at all." "Well, I find you're such an easy person to talk to and, I don't know, I'd just like to get this off my chest." "Oh, well, go right ahead." "May I tell you about what happened to me this morning?" " Certainly." " Thank you, thank you." "Now, you just pretend that you're this woman I'm calling on, eh?" "All right." "Just stay right there." "(door buzzer)" "What's that?" "I also represent the Handy Dandy vacuum cleaner." "Oh." "So this morning, when the woman opened the door and I threw the dirt on the floor, just like I did now and then I handed her a ten-dollar bill, just like this, you see, and then I said to her," "I said, "Madam, that ten-dollar bill," ""that sawbuck, that one-tenth of a C-note" ""is all yours if this Handy Dandy vacuum cleaner" ""fails to clean up all this dirt in less than two minutes flat."" "I said that to her, see?" "And then I, uh..." "I took my Handy Dandy vacuum cleaner and I..." "I plugged it in..." "like this, and then I..." "went right to work." "That's funny." "Oh, this plug is controlled by this switch." "So's that light, see?" "Oh, I see." "Go." "45 seconds." "My!" "That was fast." "Yes, it was, wasn't it?" "But do you know that woman was angry with me?" "About what?" "Because I threw dirt on her floor." "But you cleaned it right up with your wonderful Handy Dandy vacuum cleaner." "Yes, yes, of course I did, but she was still angry and do you know what she did next?" "What?" "Why, when I told her that this Handy Dandy vacuum cleaner and the attachments that it sold for $8.95 for the works, why, that shortsighted, narrow-vision female did not even have the intelligence to buy one." "What a dope." "Well, it shows you what you've got to put up with." "I'm glad you let me get that off my chest." "Mr. Martin..." "did you say, uh, 8.95?" "That's right." "And, uh, now I think I'll have to go..." "Mr. Martin, aren't you going to give me a chance to buy one of those?" "Oh, Mrs. Ricardo, when I told you about this other woman," "I didn't mean to get you to buy..." "Oh, but Mr. Martin, our sweeper is so outdated." "It's old, it doesn't work right or anything and we really do need one of those." "Well, as a matter of fact, I..." "I was bringing this little gem home as a present for my wife, but..." "Oh..." "Well, I don't know." "I suppose if you really need one." "Oh, we do, we do." "You talked me into it." "Oh, thank you, Mr. Martin." "Thank you." "Uh... five, six, seven, eight..." "Mm-hmm." "Let's see... 95." "ls that right?" "That's the price... for the works." "Now that you own the works don't you think that you would like this nice gray metal cover to keep it from getting dirty?" "But didn't I just buy the...?" "You bought the most important part-- yeah, the... the works." "Now, there are a few more little accessories, like, like the hose, and the electric cord and the attachments there." "Gee, that must run into quite a bit of money." "No, no, no, not at all." "This, this electric cord, for instance, is only five dollars." "Five dollars?" "!" "Well, it's extra long." "Oh." "And, uh..." "the attachments, uh..." "And, uh..." "the attachments, uh... are $2.50." "$2. 50?" " Apiece." " Oh." " And then there's a utility lamp..." "Oh?" " There's a carrying case for the cleaner..." "Oh?" " Carrying case for the attachments..." "Oh?" "There's a switch that turns it on and off..." "Hi, Lucy." "Did the man take back the kitchen helper?" "Did you have any trouble with him?" "What's the matter with...?" "Lucy, did you buy all this stuff from him?" "Oh, Lucy, I thought you were going to have sales resistance from now on." "What happened?" "I don't know." "Right after he took back the kitchen helper, everything went black." "Oh?" "When the lights came on again," "I was short $102.40." "$102.40 for just this?" "No." "For a bonus, he threw in the kitchen helper." "That was nice of him." "For a dollar and a half." "What a salesman he must be!" "Yeah, but this is really a wonderful machine and it just works beautifully." "Turn on the switch and I'll show you." "Okay." "(whirring)" "What's this one for, Lucy?" "Lucy?" "(whirring stops)" "Try this one, Lucy." "RICKY:" "♪ Av. yi, yi, yi--- ♪" "That's Ricky!" "That's Ricky!" "I don't want him to see this stuff." "Help me hide it." " Hide it?" " Yeah." " Oh." " He can't see this." "Aren't you going to tell him you bought all this?" "Someday, yes, when we're old and grey, but not now." "Where will I put it?" "In the closet." "In the closet?" "I Av, vi, vi, yi ♪" "♪ Gama y no "ores a'" "♪ Porque cantando se alegran, cielito lin... ♪" "Hello." "Oh, look." "Here's Ricky." "Hi, Ricky." "Hello, Ricky." "Good-bye, Ricky." "(door closing)" "Well, she's in a hurry." "Yeah." "Oh, I'll hang it up for you, dear." "Oh, thank you." "What did you do today?" "Why do you ask that?" "I always ask that." "Oh, yeah." "That's right." "Uh, nothing much." "It's dark in here." "Oh..." "(vacuum cleaner whirring)" "What's that?" "What's what?" "That." "What?" "That." "Oh, that." "That's me." "(imitating motor whirring)" "What?" "!" "My stomach's growling." "It's been growling all day." "(whirring)" "Now, Lucy, you know darn well you're not making that noise." "It sounds like a vacuum cleaner." "Where's it coming from?" "Oh, that sound." "Oh, Ethel must be cleaning her rugs." "All right, Ethel, break it up down there!" "That's all." "There." "I guess she's finished." "(whirring)" "Whoops." "Not quite." "Ricky?" "What?" "Kiss me?" "After I see what's at the end of this cord." "All right?" "You'd better kiss me now if you're ever going to." "(whirring stops)" "Lucy, what is this?" "Oh, darn." "You found your Christmas present." ""The Handy Dandy vacuum ole... "" "Oh, no." "Lucy, you didn't!" "Yeah, I sort of did, I guess." "Okay, come on." "Call the man." "Tell him to take it back." "No." "Come on." " You'll be sorry." " Why?" "'Cause he'll probably sell me a Handy Dandy bulldozer." "Never mind." "But Ricky, Ricky, really, he does sell other things, and you know how I am." "Yes." "I know only too well." "Now, look, you're going to call him back and you're going to get rid of that vacuum cleaner and you're going to get your money back, understand?" "(piano keys banging)" " Oh, yes." "Lucy?" "I'm taking it back this afternoon!" "Oh..." "I thought you were Ricky." "Oh." "Are you really going to take it back?" "Yeah." "I was just having one last sweep for the road." "Oh, gee, Ethel, I don't dare call Mr. Martin." "I'm absolute putty in his hands." "Obviously." "Why did I buy that thing anyway?" "Why did you?" "I couldn't resist it." "Hey... if I couldn't resist it maybe someone else won't be able to." "You mean you're going try to sell it to somebody else?" "Sure, I could sell it." "I remember everything Mr. Martin said and did." "Don't look at me." "Oh, I'm going to start on the next block and I'm going to keep going until I unload this monster." "(door buzzer)" "Good afternoon, madam." "Are you the lady of the house?" "Yeah." "Hey!" "What are you doing?" "Madam, that ten-dollar bill, that sawbuck, that one-tenth of a C-note is all yours if my Handy Dandy vacuum cleaner fails to clean up that mess in two minutes flat." "You mean this ten dollars is mine if you don't pick up all that dirt in two minutes flat?" "That's right." "Let's see, now." "Here we are." "(clicking)" "That's funny." "I can't imagine why it doesn't work." "I can." "The electricity is turned off." "What?" "We didn't pay our bill." "Oh, no." "Why didn't you tell me?" "You didn't ask me." "Oh, dear." "I'm sorry I made such a mess on your floor." "I don't know how you're going to clean it up." "I do." "Ew..." "Where can she be, Ethel?" "It's so late." "I don't know." "Maybe she had to call on more houses than she thought she would." "Well, there's nothing to worry about." " She's prob..." " Shh!" "I hear somebody." "Lucy!" "What happened?" "You'll be glad to know, Ricky, that there are plenty of women in town with sales resistance." "Couldn't you sell the vacuum cleaner?" "Oh, you poor little thing." "Come on, honey, and sit down." "Here." "Sit there." "I'll take your shoes off." "That will help." "Lucy, where's your other shoe?" "Stuck in the door at 310 East 69th Street." "Oh, dear." "I was kicked downstairs, bitten by a dog and chased three blocks by a policeman that wanted to see my peddler's license." "One more hour, they'd have reported the death of another salesman." "Now, honey, I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that but you know it's your own fault." "Why didn't you call Mr. Martin like I told you to do?" "Oh, sure." "Well, I'll call him." "What's his number?" "It's right there on the pad." "Okay." "Oh, Fred, I don't know what these women would do without us men getting them out of all these messes that they get into." "I don't either." "Hello, Mr. Martin." "This is Ricky Ricardo." "Look." "You sold my wife a vacuum cleaner yesterday." "Yes." "That's right." "Well, uh, we decided not to keep it after all." "So we'd like you to come back tonight and take it back." "8:00?" "Yes, that will be fine." "Thank you very much." "Good-bye." "There." "You see how simple it was?" "Ricky, you shouldn't have him come over here." "You don't know what he's like." "He'll say that he'll take it back, but he'll sell you something else." "Oh, nonsense." "Well, I'm not going to be here." "I'm going to a movie." "Come on, Ethel, let's get out of here." " Okay." "l'm going to get cleaned up." "Have you ever seen anything like that?" "Never in my life." "You take my advice." "You put that vacuum cleaner out in the hall, lock the door and sit here in the dark." "Hi." "Oh, hi." "How was the movie?" "Fine." "Did, uh..." "Mr. Martin get here?" "Yeah." "He was here." "Did he take back the vacuum cleaner?" "Of course he did." "He had no trouble at all." "Oh?" "As a matter of fact, he paid me a great compliment." "He said I was a man of great judgment and real taste." "(knowingly):" "Oh." "And not only that, but he said he didn't blame me in the least for not buying such an inferior product." "Uh-oh." "What happened then?" "Nothing." "Come on." "Nothing." "Come on." "Where is it?" "Ethel, guess what?" "We have a new Handy Dandy refrigerator." "Oh, Ricky, I'm glad you don't have any sales resistance either." "ETHEL:" "Aw, Lucy." "You get all the breaks." "Nobody could sell ol' Fred anything." "Oh, no?" "Oh?" "Fred?" "Come on down and see your Handy Dandy washing machine." "(I Love Lucy theme music plays)"