"Attention, please." "Alitalia announces the immediate departure... of flight Az-611 nonstop New York to Rome." "Ladies and gentlemen, we are now approaching..." "Leonardo Da Vinci Airport near Rome." "Please fasten your cigarettes and extinguish your seat belts." "We thank you for your patronage... and sincerely hope that you have enjoyed your flight." "Thank you." "Your name, please." "Armbruster." "Wendell Armbruster Jr." " You are from where?" " Baltimore." "It says all that right on the..." " Your profession?" " Executive." "If you must know, I'm vice president... of Armbruster Industries." "What is purpose of your visit to Italy?" "To pick up a body." "A body?" "A corpse." "Whose corpse?" "Maybe Dr. Fleischmann?" "Dr. Fleischmann?" "The man whose passport you are using." "Wait a minute." "I can explain that." "He and I exchanged clothes." "We forgot to exchange passports." "He must be around here somewhere." "I was on the golf course... when I got the bad news about my father." "He was killed in an automobile accident in Ischia." "I only had 30 minutes... to make the funeral arrangements... if I was to catch the plane." "I had no time to change." "And how would it look if I showed up here... in plaid pants and a red cardigan?" "This way, Dr. Fleischmann." "I am not Dr. Fleischmann." "I'm Mr. Armbruster!" "I'm not Mr. Armbruster." "I'm Dr. Fleischmann." "I just did this guy a favor." "Tells me his father is dead." "What am I going to do?" "There he is." "That's him!" "What the hell did you get me into?" "I'm sorry." "This is his passport." "Here." "That is mine." " OK?" "All clear?" " Yes." " May I go now?" " No." "Why not?" "Because passport must be stamped." "Then stamp it." "You have to go back to end of line." "Look, I know you foreigners." "I know how you love to push Americans around... but my father's lying in a morgue someplace!" "I've got to get a train to Naples... and a boat to Ischia... and if you guys give me a bad time... if there is the slightest hitch... if I don't get him back to Baltimore... in time for that funeral on Tuesday... there's going to be such a scandal!" "God almighty." "Eulogy, first draft." "We have gathered here to bid good-bye to a good man... a rare man, a much-beloved man." "Wendell Armbruster Sr... was an old-fashioned man." "I mean that in the noblest sense of the word." "In these days of defeatism and disillusionment... he was one who believed in duty to his country... devotion to his family, and dedication to his work." "Not bad." "He died suddenly and tragically... far away from his loved ones... alone in a distant land where he used to go... to rest his mind and heal his body." "He was a philanthropist, a pillar of the church... a tireless crusader of all that is decent... and an ensign in the Coast Guard during World War II." "Friends, if I may borrow..." "Yes?" "I was wondering, are you Mr. Armbruster?" "I'm certainly not Dr. Fleischmann... so don't you start now." "Why are you shouting at me?" "Yes, my name is Armbruster, but what about it?" "I thought that's what you'd look like... but I didn't expect you to be so rude." "What the..." "Friends, if I may borrow the words of a famous poet..." ""Lives of great men all remind us... "" "Excuse me, but are you following me?" "No, not really." "Yes, and how come you know my name?" "I know a lot of things about you." "You're 42, you live in Baltimore... you have a wife and two children... and you're a former president... of the Junior Chamber of Commerce." "You read the Newsweek article, right?" "Business and Finance." "Incredible, isn't it?" "The weather, I mean." "Especially to someone who lives in London." "Last year, summer was two days in June... and three days in August." "Have you ever been to Italy before?" " No." " Neither have I." "As a matter of fact, I've never been anyplace." "It's a little frightening... first time in a strange country." "In Italian, everything sounds like it's from an opera." "Do you know what that means?" "What?" "There's no soap in the bathroom." "How about that?" "And when you're in a ristorante... that's a restaurant... do you know there are sixteen different kinds of pasta?" "Spaghetti, spagatini, macaroni... cannelloni, rigatoni, tortellini, fettuccini... manicotti, gnocchi, linguini, ravioli..." "Of course, I can't eat any of that." "I don't know if you noticed... but I have this weight problem." "I noticed that." "And in the hotel, before a maid enters your room... she asks,"Permesso?"" "And if you want her to come in... you say, "Avanti. "" "Forward." "You should really get yourself this little book." "I know all the Italian I need." "My name is Carlucci." "Carlo Carlucci." "I am the director of the hotel." "How do you do?" "I sorrow for you in your bereavement." "Thank you." "My deepest condolences..." "and my apologies." "What are you apologizing for?" "That it should happen in Italy... on an Italian road in an Italian car." " He was a bad driver." " No." "It was a bad curve." "As Verdi said..." "An act of God." "Where did they put him?" "Where is he?" "A very nice place." "The municipal morgue." " What are we waiting for?" " Your luggage." "This is it." "How far is the morgue?" "It is in the other direction." "First we go to the hotel." "Hold it." "I want to see the old boy." "The morgue, I'm afraid she is closed." "It is the lunch hour." "It's 2:30." "In Italy, the lunch hour is from 1:00 to 4:00." "Three hours for lunch?" "Here we do not rush to drugstore... for chicken sandwich and Coca-Cola." "Here we take our time." "We cook our pasta." "We sprinkle our parmigiano." "We drink our wine." "We make our love." "What do you do in the evening?" "In the evening, we go home to our wives." "Crazy." "Exactly how did the accident happen?" "I don't know exactly." "It was a dark night, and there was that bad curve." "Maybe he did not see it." "Maybe he lost control." "The car plunged straight down a vineyard... 200 meters." "They must have been killed instantly." "They?" "The police came, the fire department... were at the wreck." "It took them hours to get the corpses out." "What do you mean, corpses?" "How many were there?" " Just two." " Two?" "You see, your father... he was not alone in the car when it happened." "Who was with him?" "Nobody, really." "Just an acquaintance." "Another guest at the hotel." "They went for a ride." "It's beautiful out there." "You can see the whole Bay of Naples... and Mount Vesuvius and Pompeii." "Here we are." "It sure doesn't look like a Hilton." "I accept the compliment." "This place will never be the same... now that your father has left us." "I am Bruno, the valet." "I hope you have a pleasant stay, considering." "Thank you." "I will take you to your father's suite." "It is on the main floor because of his bad back." "Sometimes he would get one of his spasms... and we had to carry him down to the mud bath." "Poor bastard." "He really suffered." "It is the price you executives pay for success... decisions, pressures, anxieties." "Naturally, the batteries wear out." "The transistors break down." "121-122." "If you please." "Nothing has been touched." "He always had this suite for ten years..." "July 15th to August 15th." "You must be tired." "It's a long trip." "I'm OK." "While you are here... maybe you should take some mud baths." "No, thanks." "I had one on the train." "On the train?" "I drank it." "They call it espresso." "Your father, he certainly blossomed here." "And the day he would leave... he would put his arm around me and say, "Carlo... "" "He always called me Carlo..." ""What an idiot I am to go back to that rat race." ""I wish I could stay here forever. "" "To tell you the truth, when he first started coming here..." "I thought the place was a phony." "A phony?" "All this nonsense about mud and underwater massages... and radioactive springs." "Come on." "You may not know it... but Ischia has been a health resort for 2,000 years." "The emperor Tiberius came here for the gout." "And De' Medici and Caruso and Sophia Loren." "Sophia Loren has the gout?" "No." "Here we cure everything." "Take Michelangelo." "He had trouble with his kidneys." "He took the waters here and passed three stones." "They're in the local museum." "Shall I unpack for you?" "Just put it anywhere." "Operator, I'd like to make..." "You're not out to lunch, are you?" "Good." "I'd like to make an overseas phone call... to the United States..." "Baltimore, Maryland." "Maryland." ""M" as in Michelangelo." "He used to stay here." "You got it?" "Operator?" "Hello, operator?" "You still there?" "The number is 426-9956, area code..." "All right, I'll give it to you slowly." "How you doing so far?" "Good." "Area code 301." "I want to speak to Mrs. Wendell Armbruster Jr." "Yes, it was a great loss." "That's very kind of you." "Would you call me back, please?" "They must have liked my father around here." "Yes." "When the news came, everybody was crying." "The orchestra in the restaurant... they stood around his empty table... and played all his favorite tunes." "Is that so?" "As soon as the morgue opens... we'll go over and claim the body... and next, we'll make arrangements..." "First... there are certain formalities we must comply with." "What formalities?" "You cannot walk into a foreign country... point to a body, and say, "That's my father... "" "and walk out with him." "Why not?" "Do they think I go around collecting dead fathers?" "You have to fill out some official papers." "Regulations about exporting a corpse, they are very strict." "Everything must be in triplicate." "A lot of crap." "You fill them out, and I'll sign them." "Certainly." "And then there is... some additional crap to be dealt with." "Such as?" "We will need a certificate that he did not die... from an infection or a contagious disease." "Like what, mumps or measles?" "He died from driving over a cliff." "Then we will need a certificate... that the body has been properly embalmed." "We also need a mortuary passport... but this has to be issued by the authorities in Naples." "Don't bother me with details." "Just do it." "You're exactly like your father." "Then you will have to pay for the road sign... he knocked over..." "you know, "bad curve ahead. "" "Pay it." "Also, you will have to settle with the Trotta brothers." "Who are they?" "They own the vineyard where the car went down." "They want damages." "Settle with them." "They're asking 2 million lira." "How much is that?" "$3,500." "$3,500 for a bunch of lousy grapes?" "No." "Let them sue." "I agree." "They are crooks." "Then there is the problem with the coffin." "What's the problem?" "For export, a special casket is required." "It must be lined with zinc." "It must be absolutely airtight." "It must be..." "Get one." "There are none in Ischia, but fortunately..." "I have located one in Amalfi." "Then there's no problem, is there?" "Another thing..." "I want a helicopter standing by... to take me and the casket to Rome, so there won't be... any delay in catching the plane to Baltimore." "The funeral's Tuesday." "Tuesday?" "In the morning, 11:00, First Presbyterian Church." "Impossible." "You must postpone it." "I what?" "What do you mean, postpone it?" "So many things to do." "This is Saturday." "Tomorrow is Sunday." "Nobody works." "Somebody will work." "This is a Catholic country." "Then we'll get a dispensation from the pope." "For a Presbyterian?" "Get this... come hell or high water..." "I'm getting out of here by Monday... because at precisely 11:00 Tuesday... work at every Armbruster plant in the country... will come to a stop so that 216,000 employees... can watch the services... on closed-circuit television..." "in color... except for Puerto Rico." "They get it in black and white." "And there'll be governors there and senators and congressmen... and supreme court judges, the AFL-CIO... the glee club from the Coast Guard Academy." "The White House is sending Dr. Kissinger... and you want me to postpone it?" "No way." "Excuse me." "I'm looking for Signore Carlucci." " They told me at the desk..." " I am Signore Carlucci." "How do you do?" "I'm Pamela Piggott." "You are not supposed to be here." "You are in 126." "I know, but I need some help." "All these questions, all in Italian." "I will be glad to help, but not now." "I will see you later." "Damn it!" "The faucet says cold, and I burn my hands." "So did I." "Then I looked it up in my book." ""C" stands for caldo... but that doesn't mean cold:" "It means hot." "Freddo means cold." " It's you again." " Hello." " You know each other?" " No, we don't." "Yes, we do." "We've been traveling together." "On a train or a boat, there's nothing I can do about it... but when you come barging into my room..." "I assure you, I'm not trying to pick you up." "I'm here to pick up my mother." "They tell me I can't see her until after lunch." "That's right." "The place opens at 4:00." "I hate going there." "I'd much rather remember her the way she was... but I suppose it has to be done." "Wait a minute." "Your mother... where is she?" "In the morgue." "What's she doing in the morgue?" "What do people usually do in the morgue?" "She's lying there... side by side with your father, I expect." "Side by side with my father?" "Why?" "Because that's the way they were in the car... when the accident happened." "I told you he was not alone." "Don't you remember?" "My father and your mother?" "Why not?" "You know how it is in a resort hotel." "People meet in the dining room or play backgammon or..." "I'm terribly sorry." "I had no idea." "Of course you didn't." "I must have seemed like some sort of monster." "Please forgive me, Miss..." "I don't even know your name." "If there's anything at all that I can do for you..." "There is." "Could I have some Kleenex?" "I will get it." "Would you like some brandy?" "Perhaps you'd like to lie down." "Please, don't worry about me." "I don't know what to say." "Somehow I feel responsible... because if my father hadn't been driving the car..." "You mustn't feel that way." "If it had to happen, it was more or less ideal." "Warm night, full moon, island in the Mediterranean." "At the height of the season." "What more could anyone ask?" "Of course, I'm completely at your disposal." "Any difficulties, any expenses involved..." "Thank you." "Wait until you hear about all the red tape." "I heard." "For instance, you need a coffin lined with some sort of metal." "Zinc." "You better get a couple of those." "I had trouble finding one." "Come on." "You can dig up a couple of coffins." "You want secondhand coffins?" "Is that Mrs. Armbruster Sr.?" "Yes." "They would've been married forty-five years this fall." "How sad." "That's my wife Emily and the two boys." "That's one thing I envy you Americans for." "You're all so thin." "How do you manage it?" "Swimming, horseback riding, golf." "I've tried jogging on Hampstead Heath... at seven o'clock in the morning in a sweat suit... but I never worked up a sweat." "I just worked up an appetite." "Worked up an appetite." "What's that?" "It's a nightgown." "What's the meaning of that?" " Of what?" " That." "That." "It's a mistake." "Here's another mistake." "I want to know what those things are doing in here." "If I am to get that second coffin..." "I had better call Amalfi." "Hold it." "I want an explanation." "An explanation?" "Now, let me think." "I'll help you." "The valet forgot to pack these things... when he moved my mother's suitcases into room 126." "Right?" "You just cannot get decent help these days." "Time!" "You mean her mother and my father... were shacked up together?" "I don't particularly care for your choice of words." "All right, they were making it." "Is that any better?" "Just because two people are sharing the same suite... or the same... that does not mean there was anything improper going on." "Now you're being insulting to my mother." "She was a very beautiful woman." "She was." "And a lady." "And your father was a gentleman." "No matter how bad things look, you must believe me." "I have an uncle who is in the college of cardinals." "Would I lie to you?" "You're goddamned right." "They were making it." "Son of a bitch!" "Do you know how old he was?" "67." "A grandfather..." "with a bad back, yet." "I would be proud if my father was..." "Shut up." "As for your mother, she ought to be ashamed of herself." "My mother had nothing to be ashamed of." "She was the perfect lady." "Meets a rich elderly American in the lobby." "One hour later, she's having drinks with him in the bar." "Two hours later, she moves her things into his suite... and then..." "They didn't meet in the lobby." "They met in the souvenir shop." "What the hell difference does it make?" "That was ten years ago." "Ten years?" "This has been going on for ten years?" "Every summer, July 15th to August 15th." "You mean all the time that we thought... he was over here getting cured, he was getting laid?" "This is neither the time nor the place." "Goddamn fool!" "Didn't he care what people think or say?" "Not to worry." "It was all handled very discreetly." "They were registered as Mr. And Mrs. Armbruster." "Mr. And..." "Oh, my God." "Jesus Christ." "Yes?" "What?" "Am I ready to talk to Baltimore?" "No, I'm not ready to talk to Baltimore." "Who's calling?" "I'm calling." "Put her on." "Hello, Emily." "I'm fine." "The trip?" "It's fine." "It was just one of those unfortunate accidents." "For whatever it's worth, you can tell mother... he didn't suffer towards the end." "I'm working on it." "There's no problems, just red tape." "Questionnaires, permits." "Where do you suddenly find two zinc-lined coffins?" "Two?" "I didn't say two!" "It must be the connection!" "What would I do with two coffins?" "No!" "I'm sorry." "No, I didn't call the embassy." "They're in Rome, and I'm in Ischia." "What are they going to do for me?" "How's mother holding up?" "And how are the kids?" " Good-bye." " Good-bye." "Just a minute." "Where are you going?" "See you at the morgue." "How are the funeral arrangements coming?" "What?" "Who's Miss who?" "Piggott?" "She's... in the hotel." "Works here." "As an interpreter." "Of course you need an interpreter... even when you go to the bathroom." "In this country, caldo means hot." "This is the morgue?" "Yes, sir." "Seventeenth century." "The walls are that thick." "The coolest place in town." "Good afternoon." "So nice to see you again." "How do you feel?" "That's a silly question." "You feel the way I feel... rotten." "We will have to wait." "He is not here yet." " Who?" " The..." "How do you say it?" " The coroner?" " That's it." "Don't tell me he's still at lunch." "Very likely." "A coroner, he eats very well." "He knows all the widows." "Pretty flowers." "What are they?" "In Italian, they're called tromboncini." "You don't say." "What are they called in English?" "Daffodils." "Now... when it comes to dealing with the authorities... whatever happened between your mother and my father... we're going to have to be a little careful, aren't we?" "Don't worry about the hotel register." "We fixed it." "No more "Mr. And Mrs. "" "Let me ask you..." "moneywise, how are you fixed?" "What do you do for a living?" "I work in a boutique on the Kings Road." "I'm sure you could use a little money." "I mean, anything within reason." "You'll find I'm pretty generous." "You will keep in mind, won't you... what's been happening to the stock market?" "Since January, Armbruster Industries... has dropped 141/2 points." "Like music." "OK." "Do you, Wendell Armbruster Jr... swear that you are Wendell Armbruster Jr... and this is the body of your father..." "Wendell Armbruster Sr.?" "I do." "OK." "Do you, Pamela Piggott... swear that you are Pamela Piggott... and this is the body of your mother, Catherine Piggott?" "It is necessary for you to swear." "I do." "OK." " Thank you." " Not at all." "I'm sorry." "Go right ahead." "OK." "Any luck with the coffins?" "Yes, sir." "My brother-in-law in Bologna... who happens to be an undertaker... he has two of those caskets... and he is sending them out on the first train." "You can sign now." "Come on." "Just sign, please." "Not if I can help it." "All right, what happens next?" "The red papers go to Naples for the export license." "The white papers go to Dr. Galupo... to certify there are no communicable diseases." "And the green papers, they stay here... until we get the coffins from Bologna." "That's all." "But we have a small problem with Naples." "Like what?" "They are closed on Sunday." "But fortunately, I have a nephew... who knows an official in the license bureau... and if he can get him to open the office right after mass..." "If you ask me, any foreigner who dies in Italy... is out of his friggin' skull." " May I make a suggestion?" " No." " I have a super idea, I think." " Save it." "With all this nasty business... zinc coffins and health certificates... and export licenses..." "why subject them to that?" "Why don't we bury them here?" "Why don't we what?" "There's a lovely old cemetery up on the hill." "They could be there together." " They'd like that." " They would?" "It would solve all the headaches." "Absolutely." "The Carlucci family... we have a large plot up there." "They would be welcome." "Better yet, why don't we bury them... in the blue grotto at high tide... or in Venice, like Romeo and Juliet?" "Verona." "Or we could build a shrine for them... with an eternal flame." "It was just an idea." "They were not the unknown soldier." "They were the unknown lovers." "Let's just keep it that way, shall we?" "Let's go." "Ask fat-ass if she wants a ride." "Tell him no, thank you." "He died suddenly and tragically... far from his loved ones... alone in a distant land where he used to go... to rest his mind and heal his body." "Bullshit." "He was a philanthropist, a pillar of the church... a tireless crusader for all that is decent... and an ensign in the Coast Guard during..." "Dirty old man." "That's what he was." "Eulogy, second draft." "Friends, coworkers, stockholders... we come to bury Wendell Armbruster Sr... not to praise him." "The evil men do..." "Ignore that." "Wendell Armbruster Sr. Was a man for all seasons." "I mean, avanti." "The suit, I pressed it." "The shirt, it's like new." "Drip and dry... great invention." "Like electric toothbrush, roller derby, Alka-Seltzer." "I love America." "That's a switch." "I lived in America." "Wonderful people." "So friendly, so kind." "When I left New York... they took me to airport in limousine." "They put me on plane." "They waved good-bye." " Who's they?" " The immigration department." " You were deported?" " Yes, but first-class." "In America when they deport you, they know how to do it." "Big 747." "Window seat." "Beautiful blond stewardess... feeding me with a spoon all the way across." "Handcuffs, you know?" "Who'd you work for over there..." "Mafia, Cosa Nostra?" "Only part-time." "By profession, I am a photographer." "That's very interesting." "You are exactly like your father." "Not exactly!" "I mean the size." "So I thought if you wanted to change... here are all your father's clothes." "This is what he wore?" "Plaids, bellbottoms, two-tone shoes?" "He had one conservative suit... but he's wearing it now." "He was a real sport." "See this watch?" "He left it for me last year." "Spiro Agnew." "And he gave me this lighter." "Zippo." " And a camera." " Is that so?" "A Polaroid." "Never served a nicer guy." "And as for the lady, she was a pussycat." "Natural blonde." "Skin like vanilla ice cream." "Here they are all like black olives." "I prefer vanilla ice cream." "Here." "Get yourself some ice cream." "They were such a swell couple." "Always laughter, always wine... and always the sign outside the door, "No disturbare. "" "They never get up until four in the afternoon." "What's there to get up for?" "Nothing's open." "It's lunchtime." "And every night, the orchestra would have to work overtime... because they would dance until dawn." "And then you know what they would do?" "No, and I don't care." "When the sun came up over Mount Vesuvius... they would go swimming..." "no bathing suit, no nothing." "No nothing?" "Like the man says on TV..." ""In life you only go around once..." ""so grab all the gusto you can. "" "They were swimming naked right outside this hotel?" "Why not?" "Everybody asleep." "Nobody watching." "Except you, I imagine." "I always get up very early to shine the shoes." "And that's where the Polaroid comes in, I guess." "I couldn't help it." "It was so spectacular... the sun coming up on the Bay of Naples." "I know, yes, and Mount Vesuvius and Pompeii." "I am not a landscape man." "Only portraits and figures." "How is your focus?" "Perfect." "Color perfect." "And the water here, it is perfectly transparent." "So are you, buddy." "Maybe you want to see the pictures." " Maybe." " Maybe I can find them." "I'll bet you a hundred bucks you can." "It's not a question of money." "I just think that any time one American... can help another American..." "I'm sorry to intrude... but there are important developments." "What is it now?" "I have good news, and I have bad news." "About the coffins, there is a railroad strike in Bologna... so they put the coffins on a plane... and now the airport is fogged in." " Naturally." " But they say it will fog out." "About the health certificate, I finally reached Dr. Galupo... on the phone in the operating room." "He cannot come." "Why not?" "How long does it take him to operate?" "You do not understand." "They are operating on him." "Double hernia." "So now we are trying to get the municipal doctor from Capri." " About the export license..." " Go ahead." "Pour it on." "You know my nephew in Naples." "He is not in Naples." "He is in Firenze." "But he is going to help us." "So he will take a plane from Firenze to Naples... that is, unless the fog moves from Bologna to Firenze." "All right, let's have the good news." "That was the good news." "The bad news is..." "Something mysterious has happened." "What?" "You remember the bodies in the mortuary?" "Of course I remember them." "What do you mean, "They're not there anymore"?" "They are missing." "Signore Cipriani informs me that when he locked up the place... the bodies were gone." "Gone?" "Gone where?" "That is the mystery." "When he looked in at 5:00, the bodies were still there... and so was Miss Piggott." "He saw her pull up the shade and open the window." "That kook." "That sentimental idiot." "Please." "You don't really think she took the bodies?" "That's preposterous." "Preposterous to you, preposterous to me... but not to her, because she's off her rocker!" "Hello." "Get me Miss Piggott's room." " I don't know the number." " 126." "Just get her." "Let us be logical." "How could she manage?" "A little girl like that?" "Two bodies?" "Little girl?" "She's built like a Japanese wrestler." "What?" "Try the lobby." "Try the souvenir shop." "How the hell should I know?" "Get her paged!" "Signore Cipriani tells me... he will have to report this to the police." "No police." "We don't want any police." "We don't want any reports." "We're gonna handle this ourselves." "Here." "Get yourself some ice cream." "Bye-bye." "You'd better start checking... on that family plot up at the cemetery." "I don't believe it." "There must be some other explanation." "What other explanation?" "Who the hell else is gonna want those two bodies..." "Dr. Christian Bernard?" "Goddamn you, Miss Piggott." "Hello, Emily." "How are you?" "It's Baltimore." "I'm sorry." "I thought you were Miss Piggott... the interpreter." "Ding-a-ling." "She keeps fouling everything up." "I can't fire her." "I need her." "No problems." "Just a few loose ends here and there... but I am on top of the situation." "Yes, I'm positive." "There will be no postponement." "The State Department?" "Don't bother." "I don't need any help from the State Department." "Yes." "I saw him this afternoon at the mortuary." "I haven't seen him lately." "How's mother?" "I hope she's all right for the services." "We certainly don't want any hysterics... with television and everything." "Thank God it'll be a closed casket." "Have you heard from Billy Graham?" "That's good." "Listen." "What do you think if he did the eulogy?" "Because I'm so emotionally involved." "Ask him." "What's all the noise in the background?" "Kids are watching the Baltimore Orioles." "What's the score?" "Give them my love..." "between innings." "And kiss-kiss." "Where the hell is that Piggott?" "I checked with the cemetery." "No bodies." "As for Miss Piggott..." " What about her?" " She's in her room." "She will not answer the telephone." "She will not open the door." "She won't?" "Please, no violence." "This is a first-class hotel." "Sure." "And if she really is a kook, one wrong move, one push... and she will fall off that rocker." "God knows what she will do." "I better play it cool." "Watch me." "Caldo." "I mean, freddo." "Go away." "Would you please open the door?" "Go away." "I have this problem... because there's no saponi in my bagno." "There's no soap in my bathroom." "Please." "No." "No?" "Cool." "You promised." "Where are you?" "Did I wake you up?" "If you don't leave immediately, I shall call the concierge." "I've been giving a great deal of thought to our relationship." "Operator." "And I have a sneaking suspicion... there's something wrong with it." "Operator, get me the concierge." "The trouble is, we got off on the wrong foot." "I've been called plump, I've been called pudgy..." "I've been called chubby... but I've never been called fat-ass!" " Did I say that?" " You certainly did." "Shame on me." "The truth of the matter is..." "I kind of like girls with a little upholstery... here and there." "I think most men do." "I know we have this chemical plant in New Jersey." "And you know what our fastest-moving item is?" "Silicone for injections." "Take those models in "Vogue," like Twiggy and all the rest... nothing but skin and bones." "A man gets lucky, and he ends up black and blue." "You could even cut yourself." "Like making it with a pogo stick." "Are you looking for something?" "When you first brought up this notion... in the morgue this afternoon..." "What notion?" "About having the two buried together." "I didn't think you were really serious." "I'm as sentimental as the next man... but we're grownup people... and if you look at this thing realistically..." "What I'm trying to say is I can take a joke." "A joke?" "Lovers resting in peace, side by side?" "Is that your idea of a joke?" "All right, damn it!" "Where are they?" "What the hell did you do with them?" "I don't know what you mean." "Yes, you do!" "Come on!" "Quit horsing around!" "I am not to be shouted at." "I am under orders of my psychiatrist." "You got a psychiatrist." "I'm not surprised." "It's because of my weight problem." "He's got me on a diet and pills... and self-hypnosis and sleep therapy." "He wants me to sleep a lot... because you can't eat while you're sleeping." "Sometimes I sleep around the clock." "Good for you." "Right now all I want to know..." "Right now, I'm going to have my dinner..." "I'm going to hypnotize myself... and if you want to have any further discussion... come back tomorrow afternoon." "Tomorrow afternoon?" "For Christ's sake!" "Don't you understand?" "I'm on a schedule!" "You're shouting again." "And in my weakened condition..." "an apple three times a day... and a teaspoonful of honey." "Get me the dining room." "Please call from your own phone." "I'd like to make a reservation for two." "The name is Armbruster..." "Armbruster Jr." "Really?" "That would be nice." "Shall we say in about 20 minutes?" "Guess what table we got." "Just turn off the light and go." "Where they had dinner every night." "I thought that would be kind of nice... if we had the same table, same wine, same music." "You should have heard the maitre d'... when I made the reservation." "He had tears in his voice." "This is no time to be stubborn or selfish." "This has nothing to do with you or me." "It's more like a farewell gesture to them." "They would like that!" "Shall we say in about 20 minutes?" "The fog in Bologna, it has moved out... and the coffins are on the way." "Great." "First we had bodies and no coffins." "Now we have coffins and no bodies." "I have searched the hotel with fine-tooth comb... even the mud baths." "Of course, you must be." "Same face, same suit." "Good evening." "The table is ready." "Not yet." "I'm waiting for the young lady." "Of course." "You will wait at the bar." "Everything has been anticipated." " Here you are." " What's that?" "A whisky sour on the sour side... and for the lady, a Bacardi on the sweet side." " That's what they used to have?" " Always." "Always." "That's Baron Forshmetelli." "He's ninety years old." "Been coming here since before World War I." "Remarkable." "This place must take years off your life." "It certainly does." "Every year his nurses, they keep getting younger and younger." "I'm sorry to be late." "I had trouble getting into my dress." "Actually, it's my mother's dress." "That's only fair." "Actually, this is my father's suit." "Here's your drink." "What's this?" "It's a Bacardi for you and a whiskey sour for me." "That's what they always had." "I don't drink." "Look, Miss Piggott..." "Pamela... if this evening is to be a salute to them... then please don't louse it up." "Of course not." "To mother and father." "Wherever they may be." "I think the captain is signaling." "Table twelve." "Yes." "Thank you." "Welcome." "I welcome you." "The orchestra welcomes you." "That was their favorite tune." "How very thoughtful." "Madam always sat on your father's left." "Of course." "It was his good ear." "Shall we start with a little pasta?" "We have spaghetti, spaghettini, spaghettoni, macaroni... cannelloni, rigatoni, tortellini, fettuccine... tagliarini, buccatini, manicotti, bumbalotti... cappelotti, crosetti, fuccitti, tranetti... pappadelli, tagliatelli..." "Tell me, what would they have had?" "A few gnocchi, a few ravioli... and some green noodles for color." "Perfect." "As for the wine... they would always have a Bianco Lela 1961 with the pasta... and the Carba De Salaparucta with the entree." "Any special entree that they liked?" "Indeed." "I have taken the liberty... of ordering duck a I'orange for two." "Super." "Not for me." "I brought my dinner." "In that case, I'll have the duck a I'orange... for two for one." "Would madam like a little cheese with that?" "No, thank you." "Shall I take it out to the kitchen and have it peeled?" "I'll manage." "Very good." "I admire your willpower." "Do you know how much I weigh?" "91/2 stone." "That's 133 pounds." "I'm determined to lose at least 2 stone." "You came to the right place." "Michelangelo lost 3 stones here." "Bertram and I, we used to go... to an Italian restaurant in Soho... but it was nothing like this." "The waiters were all Greek, and the cook was Chinese." "Who's Bertram?" "My boyfriend." "We've been together now for a year and a half." "What you would call shacked up." "Would you like to see his picture?" "Sure." "That's Bertram, the one in the middle." " Plays lead guitar." " Is that so?" "They're a terrific group." "They call themselves the Four Apostles." "Matthew, Mark, Luke..." "And Bertram." "He's also a terrific composer." "Right now, he's writing a rock musical called Splash." "Splash?" "Yes." "It's about the sinking of the Titanic." "You know, I must admit, I feel rather guilty." "Why?" "You're not eating." "I mean about mother and father." "Really?" "Why?" "What about them?" "Here we are at their table... enjoying ourselves while they're lying there..." "Yeah, lying where?" "On the other hand... they would have hated tears and wailing." "They weren't exactly a conventional couple... were they?" "Maybe I'll just have one ravioli." "Certainly." "You know what they would do sometimes at dawn?" "Go swimming in the bay." "Yes, I heard." "In the bay and in the nude." "Then they'd lie on a rock... basking in the sun like two baby seals." "Baby seal..." "That gray-haired, self-righteous son of a... bitch." "You keep calling him that." "I have nothing against sex..." "premarital, extramarital." "You name it, and I'm for it." "Just because a man's married, that doesn't... mean that he can't have a... thing, you know, with a secretary... or with an airline stewardess." "Let's say that you're at a convention in Hawaii... and you meet some chick." "OK, swell." "You swing for a couple of nights... but then aloha." "I see." "You can swing with ten chicks a year." "That's OK." "But if you're in love with the same woman for ten years... that makes you a son of a bitch." "Love is for filing clerks... but not for the head of a conglomerate." "Thirty-seven companies the man had." "Can I have a couple of those green noodles?" "For color?" "That's Italian for my mother's name." "Figures." "Your father used to call her Kate... and she called him Willie." "What do you know?" "Sorry you never met her." "She was a bloody marvelous woman." "Yes, I'm sure she was." "Look, Miss Piggott..." "I appreciate how you feel about your mother." "If you want to bury her in Ischia, why not?" "But when it comes to Willie..." "when it comes to my father..." "Basically, it's a question of weather." "In England, people should be buried indoors." "How's the weather in Baltimore?" "Not very good, really." "There you are." "Here you have the sun twelve months a year." "There's no need to lie in a damp grave." "It gets so cold and..." "so lonely." "Do you mind if we speak English?" "Why English?" "I do not want anybody to hear this." "It is confidential." "Who are you?" "Let us say I am... from the lost-and-found department." "From where?" "Tell me, Mr. Armbruster..." "is he perhaps, by any chance... missing something?" "Or should I say two somethings from the morgue?" "I hate to break the spell... but before you've lost yourself completely... could I ask you just for one moment to be reasonable?" "I'll try." "Just think." "Come Tuesday, there will be 216,000 people... watching that funeral in Baltimore." "What will it look like if there's no corpse?" "That would look bad." "It would be a catastrophe." "Hello." "Mr. Carlucci's trying to catch your eye." "You don't know the people in Baltimore." "What was a beautiful romance... they'd twist into something ugly and sordid." "We can't let that happen." "I'm glad you're beginning to see things my way." "But why should there be no corpse?" "No reason, if you'll just cooperate." "But what can I do?" "Excuse me." "What's so important?" "I was finally getting somewhere." "You're wasting your time." "She didn't take the bodies." "What?" "I kept telling you." "But there is a man in the lobby." "He knows where they are." "He assured me they are in excellent condition... and he wants to know if you're interested... in getting them back." " Who is he?" " He won't say." "He won't?" "He won't?" "You must not antagonize him, or the price will go up." "What price?" "I don't know yet, but I'm sure there is a price." "All right, you creep, where are they?" "It's going to be more expensive." "If you'd care to come with me..." "my car is outside." "This is where the accident happened." "We were all asleep in the house... when there was this terrible noise." "So we ran to bottom of vineyard... and the car, it was smashed." "And the two, they are dead." "And she is holding him like this." "And the radio, it's playing "Hello, Dolly. "" "I think that's very touching." "It sure is." "This way, please." "This is Alberto Trotta." "This is Papa Trotta." "And Uncle Trotta." "This is Grandpapa Trotta." "And I am Armando Trotta." "That's a lot of Trottas." "You bet your sweet patootie." "Arnoldo and I... we used to work with American armed forces." "Black market." "What's your racket now?" "Body-snatching?" "We sit down and write you nice business letter... asking for damages, and the Signore Carlucci... he calls on telephone and tells me to "screw"." "I did not say screw." "I said sue." "Sue?" "You take bodies out of country... we take case to court." "It takes many years, and in the end... all the money, it goes to lawyers." "So you just stole them?" "Stole?" "That is such an ugly word." "Let us say we are keeping them temporarily in... escrow?" "Where?" "They are very comfortable... with candles all around and a baby-sitter." "And you will get them back as good as new... for 2 million lira." "2 mil..." "They think I'm some kind of a sucker." "2 million lira for a piece of broken wall... and some crushed grapes?" "That's nothing." "But when there has been death in vineyard... the wine turns sour." " Who says so?" " Is old Italian proverb." "I never heard of it." "All right, all right." "Let us ask some old Italians." "Don't believe a word they say." "Neapolitans, you know." "Let me deal with them." "Neapolitans?" "That's bush-league." "I've bargained with the teamsters union." "Watch me handle this." "Hey, you." "Big Trotta." "There you are." "They know the proverb." "The hell with that." "I'm a very busy man." "I don't want any haggling or dickering." "Here's my offer, fast, firm, nonnegotiable." "A million lira." "Our family, it is big." "Our vineyard, it is small." "It cannot support us." "Three of our brothers, they work in Carrara... digging for marble..." "With all the dust in the lungs." "All right, a million and a half." "Two of our sisters are prostitutes in Milano." "Other prostitutes... they use Ferraris and Alfa Romeos... but our sisters, they have to work on bicycles." "OK, 2 million lira, but not one cent more." "I could not have handled it better myself." "And now we'll have some wine and some goat cheese... and play bocce, yes?" "All right, here you are." "$3,500?" "That's 2 million lira, isn't it?" "We cannot take this from you." "Why not?" "You are such a good man, so simpatico." "We do not want this." "What do you mean, you don't want it?" "Come on." "We want it, but not in dollars." "We take Swiss francs, we take German marks... we take Japanese yens... but with your economy sick like a dog, no dollars." "To repeat... at noon, we meet behind the morgue." "You will bring the German marks." "We will bring bodies." "We will also bring fresh flowers... no charge." "Do you realize I've gone forty hours without sleep?" "I'm gonna hit the sack and just flake out." " I envy you." " When do you sleep?" "In the winter." "Your crepes suzette." "I've kept them warm." "Good morning." "I hope you're not angry with me." "Angry with you?" "I ordered some champagne for the gentlemen." "Why not?" "I'm sorry I suddenly disappeared like that." "It was a minor crisis." "As long as you're not too late." "Yes, I had to straighten something out." "The curve in the road where the accident happened..." "You don't happen to have a shoehorn, do you?" " What?" " Never mind." "I've been thinking about that funeral in Baltimore." "Where's it going to be?" "First Presbyterian Church." "Why?" "Because I want to send a wreath." "A wreath?" "With some ribbons and something printed on it in gold." "Like what?" "I thought you might have some suggestions." " No." " What, no suggestions?" "No wreath." "How about a simple, "Ciao, Willie"?" "Nobody would ever know." "The family has specifically requested..." "Why don't you just give a small contribution... to your favorite charity?" "Shall I serve the crepes suzette?" "Not now." "If we don't hurry, we'll miss it." " What?" "Miss what?" " The sunrise." "I don't know why I'm bothering with these." "I'll just have to take them off anyway." "What was that with the sunrise?" "Over Mount Vesuvius and swimming out to the rock." "You mean, you and me..." "Wasn't that the whole idea?" "Fat chance!" "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean it that way." "It's nothing personal, you understand." "Could you help me with my zip, please?" "Certainly." "If you'll just give me a minute..." "I'm sure I could find us a couple of bathing suits." "But why bother?" "I don't want you to think that I'm stuffy or uptight." "I'm considered a pretty groovy catch." "You know, tuned in." "Like when I'm on business in Los Angeles..." "I always have lunch at a topless... place." "Just because I don't have the long sideburns... that doesn't mean that..." "Did you ever hear of "Old Calcutta"?" "I've seen it twice, and "Carnal Knowledge," too." "Yeah, the permissive society... age of Aquarius, sexual revolution..." "I'm into all of that." "Take the secretaries in our home office... always wearing those hot pants." "There's nothing wrong with that... just as long as they're worn by consenting adults." "Please keep in mind that it's Sunday... and this is a Catholic country... and they may think it's in very poor taste." "Can you hear me?" "Oh, my God." "Are you all right?" "I'm fantastic." "I'll give you one minute to catch your breath." "Then we're gonna swim back." "What's the rush?" "No rush." "Just a little cold in here in the water." "Nice and warm here, just lying in the sun... with your eyes closed." "Yeah?" "Are your eyes closed?" "Why?" "Nothing." "Just asking." "Here we are... basking like two baby seals." "Wonder what they talked about..." "Willie and Kate." "I'm sure they didn't talk at all." "They would just listen." "To the wind and the waves... and the beat, beat, beat of their foolish hearts." "Why not?" "When you're in love, you don't need words." "A look, a touch, a sigh..." "you've said it all." "That's not bad." "I should try that on my wife." "Every time I come home from work completely pooped... she always wants to know why I don't talk to her." "Do you and Bertram..." "Do you communicate much?" "We haven't talked for six months." "Beautiful." "You must really dig each other." "The fact of the matter is... we haven't seen each other for six months." "The bastard walked out on me... stole my telly, two Picasso posters... and my hairdryer." "There's an apostle for you." "Moved in with some skinny girl in Kensington." "When I found out, would you believe..." "I tried to commit suicide?" " No." " Yes." "I took my week's salary... bought myself a suitcase full of fish and chips... and a dozen bottles of Guinness stout... and tried to eat myself to death." "Took them hours to pump my stomach out." "Was it worth it for a guy like that?" "It was stupid, but I've learned my lesson." "Good." "No more fish and chips." "I guess there is something... to what it says in the tourist guide." "What does it say?" "It says, "Italy is not a country." ""It's an emotion. "" "It's certainly been an experience." "I'm afraid we have some sightseers." "Please." "Where's your British reserve?" "Here." "Maybe you can use these." "That was quite the loveliest night of my life." "Thank you." "You're entirely welcome." "See you around." "What's up?" "It's an emergency." "The Baron Forshmetelli's suite." "I hope it's not a heart attack." "That old crock, I wouldn't be surprised." "No, it's not the baron." "It's one of the nurses." "Good night, Willie." "Good night, Kate." "Good morning, sir." "Are you all right?" "What?" "Because they told me, at seven this morning... you asked for two bottles of aspirin." "Oh, that." "I just needed the cotton." "Damn bells." "You talk about noise pollution." "There are 68 churches in Ischia." "They all want the business." "How's that nurse?" "She all right?" "Yes." "Just a slipped disk." "The three of them, they were playing frogleap." "The word is leapfrog." "I would rather not know." "I have come to give a progress report." " How we doing?" " We are making progress." "I have met with the Trotta brothers." "I gave them German marks." "The bodies are back in the morgue." "Good." "The doctor from Capri has examined them." "I have the health certificates right here." "What about the coffins?" "They arrived this morning, all three of them." "Three?" "The two from Bologna and that first one... that I ordered from Amalfi, remember?" "There is no refund, no exchange." "No big deal." "Make a lamp out of it." "About my nephew." "He got to Naples, and his friend... let him into the license bureau... even though it's closed on Sunday... and he got the export license." "Then we're all set." "Yes and no, because this nephew... he gets tickets for speeding all the time... and while he was in that empty building... he got to the file... and he removed ten of his traffic citations... and now he's in jail." "What about the export license?" "They're holding that as evidence." "But not to worry." "When the court opens in the morning..." "I have a cousin who is a lawyer." "I will get to him straightaway." "He is the worst lawyer in Naples... but fortunately, he and the judge... they have the same mistress." "Is that what you call Italian justice?" "What about Sacco and Vanzetti?" "When are you people going to learn... how to make a decent cup of coffee?" "You know what I had for breakfast?" "Hot Pepsi-Cola." " What's that?" " Your shorts." "They washed up on the beach." "My shorts?" "What makes you think they're my shorts?" "Maybe I am wrong." "Maybe they belong to the young lady." "Just put them down, will you?" "About those photographs I mentioned... your father and his friend." "I have searched and searched and searched..." " And?" " I found them." "Of all places, they were inside my mattress." "Is this the complete set?" "Absolutely." "That's the beauty of Polaroid... no negatives and just one print." "Fair enough." "What was our deal?" "I owe you a hundred bucks?" "No, please..." "You want Swiss francs or German marks?" "I told you, it's not a question of money." "I don't need money." "What I need is..." "A visa." "A visa?" "Yes." "I want to go back to America... and you can help me." "How?" "You know all the big shots... senators, the State Department..." "Dr. Kissinger." "You can pull strings." "Not a chance." "Not once you've been deported as a criminal." "A criminal?" "I'm not a criminal." "I'm a patriot." "You know why they deported me?" "There were all these hippies... demonstrating in Washington Square... calling our President filthy names... and burning the American flag... on July 4th, with police all around doing nothing." "So I got pissed off... and pulled my gun out of my holster... and what do you think happened?" "The cops arrested me." "It was a bum rap." "Give me all the details, and then when I get back..." "This can't wait." "You know that maid Anna..." "with the mustache?" " What about her?" " She wants me to marry her." "Congratulations." "God forbid." "If there is one thing worse than a Sicilian woman... it's a Sicilian woman who's pregnant." "I must get out of here fast." "I sympathize with you, and I'll do all I can... but I can't make you any promises." "I am counting on you." "Because, you see..." "I have other photographs... taken this morning." "Same rock, same sunrise... different bodies." "So you better try very hard." "Wait a minute." "Where are those pictures?" "They are not in my mattress." "You miserable little crook, I'll beat the bejesus out of you!" "What a day." "Do you believe it?" "And how about all those bells?" "Smashing, aren't they?" "Smashing is right." "If you need me, just ring." "Is it all right if I go into your bathroom?" "Yeah, by all means." "Don't let me interrupt." "Go ahead and finish your breakfast." "Isn't the coffee here fabulous?" "What happened?" "What's the matter?" "Did you burn yourself?" "Guess what." "I weighed myself on my own scales... but I didn't believe it, so I came here to check." " I've lost three pounds." " Really?" "After that enormous meal last night... and strawberries and cream this morning... and bacon and eggs and croissant and butter." "Wait till I see Dr. Shaftsbury." "They should defrock him or disbar him... or whatever they do." " Who's Dr. Shaftsbury?" " My psychiatrist." "Him, yeah." "He kept telling me I was unhappy because I was overweight." "Rubbish!" "Obviously I was overweight... because I was unhappy." "See what I mean?" "Yes, I do." "I think I do." "How long will it take you?" "Because I can be ready in no time." "Why?" "You know those carts with the horses... with the feathers on their heads?" "I thought maybe we could take a ride around the island... and stop for a late lunch somewhere." "I'm starved again." "I'd like to, but there's so many things..." "I have to take care of here at the hotel." " It's our last day." " There's still tonight." "Same program?" "Dinner downstairs and sunrise and..." "Last night, that was their thing." "I thought maybe tonight we'd do something different... an our thing." "Surprise me." "You can do my room now." "Here you are." "You call this a first-class hotel?" "If it is about the bed not being made, I can explain." "Who cares about the bed?" "It's about the valet on this floor..." "Bruno." "You know about it?" "I know he's a goddamn blackmailer." "I ought to kill that dirty little fink." " It has all been taken care of." " What has?" " The dirty little fink is dead." " Dead?" "Murdered." "He's lying in room 126... with three bullets in his chest." "Miss Piggott's room?" "She had nothing to do with it." "It was the maid Anna." "She killed him, and then she ran away." "That is why your bed has not been made." "Terrible." "It's a tragedy." "If you lose a guest, you can always replace him." "But to lose a valet and a maid in the middle of the season..." "Listen, that character Bruno, he took some photographs." "Perfectly innocent, mind you... but if they fell into the wrong hands..." "Don't worry." "They fell into the right hands." "I'm sorry." "I had to look just for a second... but I had to make sure who they belonged to." "Thanks." "There is just one thing that puzzled me." "The black socks..." "Is it because you are in mourning?" " What's this?" " Miss Piggott's things." "We are moving them in here temporarily, as a precaution." " What precaution?" " The police will arrive... and we do not want her involved." "They will start asking all kinds of questions." "And who knows what may come out." "What would I do without you?" "I have often wondered about that." "I'm sorry, but you have been moved." "Moved?" "Why?" "I just follow orders." "You are now in 121-122." "But I was perfectly happy... 121-122?" "Mr. Armbruster's suite." "I'm sorry for the inconvenience." "Don't be." "It's me..." "Pamela." "Hi!" "I'm in the tub." "Make yourself at home." "I must say, you do have some cheek." "I do?" "Aren't you taking rather a lot for granted?" "Just what made you think that I would have... the slightest interest in this arrangement?" "Did you say something?" "Not that I expected any subtlety from you." "After all, you're American." "You're accustomed to having everything your own way." "You see something you want, and you just grab it." "Come again?" "London Bridge, for instance." "You simply took it apart stone by stone... and shipped it off to someplace in the wild west." "Or the Queen Mary, with all that tradition... sitting there off the coast of California... reduced to a floating cafeteria." "What the hell are you talking about?" "Such conceit, such arrogance." "You act as though you own the world." "Playing golf on the moon." "Now, really." "Me, I play golf at the country club." "Twelve handicap." "And then you wonder why people don't like you." "Because you're like spoiled children... no manners, no consideration." "You don't just pick up the phone and say..." ""Move that bird in here from 126."" "If I'm to have an affair with someone..." "I'd like to know it first... and not hear about it from the concierge." "Oh, my god." "The bags." "Wait a minute!" "A girl likes to be asked." "She should be given a chance to say no." "Miss Piggott..." "She wants to be talked into it." "What we have here is a failure of communication." "It's not that I'm women's lib or anything." "I don't mind being treated as a sex object... but it's like any other game." "You have to play according to the rules... or it takes all the fun out of it." "Hang on a minute before things get out of hand!" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Baltimore?" "Yes, this is Mr. Armbruster's suite." "Could you speak up a bit, please?" "I'm sorry." "Wendell can't come to the phone right now." "He's in the bathroom." "Can I help you?" "This is Miss Piggott." "Am I the what?" "The interpreter?" "Whatever gave you that idea?" "Hello?" "Hello?" " This..." " You're dripping." "Whatever you may think of Americans..." "I do not consider you "a bird. "" " I do not take you for granted..." " Thank you." "About your things being here... there was no time to ask you." "You were out of the hotel, and under the circumstances... it seemed the most practical thing to do." " I understand." " No, you don't." "You were moved out of your room... for your own protection, for our protection." "We do have to be very careful." "I said surprise me, and you certainly did." "You're taller than I thought." "What..." "The bed." "Have you noticed it's not been made up?" "I'll do it later." "That's because of Anna, the maid." "It seems that she was pregnant by Bruno, the valet." "The things that go on on this floor." "She wanted to get married, but he didn't." "He wanted to go back to America... but there was a problem because he'd been deported." "So he wanted me to help him, and she found out about it..." "Is this going to be a long story?" "Anyway, the maid..." "she's Sicilian, you know... she got a gun, and she shot him just like that." "Three bullets right through the photographs." "And that's why your bags..." "All clear." "The body has been removed." "The police have left the hotel." "So we can now take Miss Piggott's luggage... back to her room." "I'll take care of that." "As I was trying to tell you..." "The murder..." "She shot him in your room." "We had to move you out of there fast... before the police got there." "Then this was not exactly an... invitation?" "Not really." "As a matter of fact, it was Carlucci's idea." "How stupid." "No, it wasn't." "Because the Italian police... once they start asking questions..." "Stupid!" "Stupid!" "Stupid!" "It's just one of those things." "It's nobody's fault." "Fortunately, I'm only half unpacked." "These things happen." "I remember I was invited... to a New Year's Eve party in New York." "3 East 72nd Street." "I had a ball!" "It wasn't until the next morning..." "I found out I was at the wrong party." "It was 3 West 72nd Street." "Don't you think that's funny?" "Put it through." "Baltimore." "They called you before." "Hello." "Hello, Emily." "How are you?" "Is something wrong?" "What was that?" "Wait a minute." "Miss Piggott?" "I told you before, she's the interpreter." "Who says she isn't?" "She did?" "I can explain that." "She's English, and we're in Italy." "She can't get a labor permit... and naturally, she's not going to admit..." "What do you mean, she's in my room all the time?" "I don't mind you getting a little jealous now and then... but isn't this ridiculous?" "Do you think that I, at a time like this..." "What music?" "OK, all right!" "Go ahead!" "Have it your way!" "I've got a gypsy band up here... incense is burning, the booze is flowing!" "Miss Piggott and I are playing frogleap bare-assed!" "Is that any better?" "Just to put your mind at rest... you needn't be worried one bit... because if you saw me, I'm short, I'm fat... and I'm not very attractive." "OK?" "All right, Emily, you satisfied now?" "Let's just forget the whole incident." "Yes, I should be out of here by tomorrow." "Everything's all wrapped up." "One small snag in Naples..." "the export license." "Blodgett?" "Jo Jo Blodgett?" "Yes, I know he's with the State Department." "A friggin' bore." "He's stationed in Paris?" "There is no reason to contact... all right, if worse comes to worst." "Yeah, I'll tell her." "Kiss-kiss." "Mrs. Armbruster said to apologize to you." "No need." "Personally, I thought you overdid it a little." "I was just telling the truth." "Come on." "Stop putting yourself down." "I'm sure there's any number of men... who'd find you very attractive." "Oh, yes." "No-good bastard Bertram... and some sex-starved sardine fishermen... and the local coroner, who took me for a ride on his scooter... and then pinched my behind." "If it's of any interest to you... you know who finds you attractive?" "Me." "I find you attractive." "Don't bother." "I'll survive." "This isn't the first time I've made a fool of myself." "Excuse me." "Would you consider it impertinent... if I asked you to step on the scales?" " Yes, I would." " Please?" "I really don't care anymore." "It's not the weight, it's the height." "Why don't you just make a contribution... to your favorite charity?" "Are you guys sure this is Ischia?" "Reasonably sure, sir." "Because I don't want to land in Africa." "That would be bigger, sir." "Maybe it's one of those Greek islands." "No, sir." "Greece is way to the left." "Not as long as I'm with the State Department." "Go away!" "Go away!" "What the hell is the name of this place?" "Ischia, but you cannot land." "What do you mean, we can't land?" "It is lunchtime." "Come back later." "My good man, do you know to whom you're talking?" "I do not talk to anybody." "Lunchtime!" "Let me make one thing perfectly clear." "I am Joseph J. Blodgett..." "United States Government, State Department... and I'm here on an emergency mission... concerning an American citizen." "OK, boys, stand by." "And you better start clearing some of these seats out... so we have room for the coffin." "Roger." "Tell me, how far is this hotel?" "Grand Hotel Excelsior, five kilometers." "OK, OK." "What do we do about transportation?" "No transportation." "Lunchtime!" "What the hell is going on in this country?" "This wouldn't have happened in the old days." "You remember Mussolini?" "Christ." "What's the matter?" "Just thinking about going back home." "I hate the whole idea." " Thank you." " Right after the funeral... there's going to be a board of directors meeting... and probably a proxy fight... and I'll have to spend a week in Washington... because they're investigating the Armbruster Foundation." "And there's that strike... at our electronics plant in Wisconsin." "And we'll probably have to recall... 250,000 square feet of artificial turf... because they said... there's too much lead in the green paint." "Goddamn Ralph Nader." "Who asked him?" "Guess we all have our problems." "I have to pick up my cat from the vet's in Bayswater." "Hope the garage will have my Mini Morris fixed by now." "And I really should repaint my kitchen." "Can I have your croissant?" "Of course." "You can have anything you want." "About your flat in London..." "Won't you need a new television and hairdryer... all that stuff that your apostle ran off with?" "Don't bother." "I dry my hair in the oven... and I really don't watch the telly." "It's always the same... northern Ireland and Princess Anne... and the Common Market." "Pamela... my father and your mother..." "Now, during all those years, didn't he ever give her any..." "He must have helped her out from time to time." "Financially." "You want to know whether my mother was a kept woman?" "After all, a man likes to show his gratitude." "Maybe an occasional present?" "Every Christmas, he would send her... a dozen long-stemmed roses to the Savoy hotel." "Your mother was well-to-do?" "No." "She was making £15 a week and tips." "On £15 a week, she was living at the Savoy?" "She wasn't living there." "She was working there... as a manicurist." "Did my father know that?" "She didn't want him to know." "Why not?" "I told you the first day." "She loved him." "She didn't want any tips." "That'll be Carlucci." ""I have good news." ""The arrangements, they have all been made. "" "I guess it's checking-out time." "Yes." "Did Miss Piggott enjoy her kippers?" "No, that's not why I called." "I called to tell you that Anna the maid... she has been arrested by the police... in a rowboat trying to escape to Sicily." "And the bodies, they are in the coffins... and all ready for shipment." "Let me see..." "there was something else." "The judge in Naples, he has had a slight stroke." "Wait a minute." "What judge?" "I don't know any judge in Naples." "Yes, you do." "The one with the same mistress as my cousin the lawyer... who was going to get my nephew out of jail." "She was going to help him, but she helped him too hard... and the judge, he always had high blood pressure." "What are you trying to tell me?" "We have no export license, is that it?" "More or less." "Now they will have to appoint a new judge." "That may take a day or two." "We sure are running in bad luck." "It's not your fault." "It's the way it goes." "Don't worry about it." "I still like you." "Problems?" "We may be stuck here for another couple of days." "That's terrible." "Yeah." "What about the funeral?" "Oh, boy!" "All those people... the closed-circuit TV, glee club..." "I'll just have to call Baltimore." "If it has to be postponed, it has to be postponed." " I'm so sorry." " What can I do?" "You've certainly done everything you could." "How about you and your plans?" "We're not that busy in the shop." "I'm sure mother won't mind." "She's in no hurry... to get back to the rain and the cold." "I guess dad wouldn't mind, either." "They deserve another couple of days together... don't you think?" "Thank you." "My pleasure!" "What room is he in?" "Just a moment." "Your name, please?" "Here." "I'll talk to him." "Wendell, boy?" "Jo Jo Blodgett, State Department." "How are you, kid?" "Emily called me last night... told me about your little problem." "Damn it." "I told her not to bother you." "I'm sorry, Jo Jo." "I realize you've got... more important things to do in Paris." "Sure do." "That's why I grabbed... the first plane to Rome this morning." "Borrowed a helicopter from the sixth fleet." "You're on Ischia?" "Where?" "At the airport?" "Better than that, kiddo." "I'm right here in the lobby." "You're in the lobby!" "That's great." "That's what I really call service." "Why don't you just check in, wash up... and we'll have a drink later in the afternoon." "What drink?" "What later?" "I got to get back to Paris tonight." "I'm taking Julie and David Eisenhower... to dinner at Maxim's." "So we got to get cracking." "We haven't got a minute to lose." "Be right with you." "What's that room number?" "What are we going to do with this?" "What are we going to do with you?" "I am Carlo Carlucci, director of the hotel." "Such a pleasure to have you here." "Thank you." "It may interest you to know we once had... another famous American diplomat staying here once..." "Mr. Benjamin Franklin." "Franklin?" "Yes, Ben Franklin." "A good man for his time." "Of course, today I'm not sure... he could pass the security check." "Would you like to see his room?" "It is in the old part of the building." "Not now!" "Excuse me." "I would like your advice about something... straight from the horse's mouth." "Do you think there will be a war in the Middle East?" "We don't give out that kind of information." "I have been offered a job... with a chain of American hotels... the Sheraton." "There are a couple of openings, and one of them is in Damascus." "Don't quote me on this, but with the Russian presence... escalating in the Mediterranean... and the military posture of the Arabs stiffening... and the first-strike capability of the Israelis at its peak... the whole place is a powder keg." "Could blow up in your face any second." "My advice is forget Damascus." "Thank you." "In that case, I had better take the other job." " What's that?" " The Sheraton in New York." "Take the one in Damascus." " One more question." " No more questions!" "Come in." "Jo Jo Blodgett, if I ever saw one." "Hi there." "How are you?" "Been a long time." "I haven't been back to the States since '67." "That's it." "Halloween of '67." "Party at the country club." "You came dressed as Batman." "I'm sorry about what happened to your father." "Look, it's 2:00 in the afternoon." "At 11:00 tomorrow morning... you have a funeral 4,000 miles away... and you're sitting here getting a manicure?" "This is Miss Tromboncino." "She works in the barber shop." "Could you possibly speed it up a little?" "She doesn't speak any English." "I get that all over the world." "Mind you, I don't object... to foreigners speaking a foreign language." "I just wish they'd all speak the same foreign language." " Odd." " What's odd?" "If I didn't know how straight-laced you were... and if I didn't know that you were in mourning... and if that dame were about 20 pounds lighter..." " I would sort of suspect..." " Suspect what?" "Mr. Blodgett, please." "That dame, she is my niece." "She was brought up by the Carmelite sisters." "I was only kidding." "It is forgotten." "How many more fingers has she got to go?" "Relax, will you?" "Relax nothing." "You're screwing up my timetable." "I've got that helicopter standing by." " Can I use your can?" " What for?" "To wash my hands." "I mean, what's the helicopter for?" "To pick up the old boy." "We're going to fly him to Rome." "Then I'm going to put you on the night plane to Baltimore." " Tonight?" " Sure." "That's what you think." "This is Italy." "Nothing's that simple." "We're still hassling over the export license." "Emily told me all about that." "It looks like we can't get out of here before Wednesday." "I was about to phone home, tell them to postpone the ceremony." "Postpone nothing." "Batman is here." "We don't need an export license." "We're gonna bypass all that bull." "Bypass?" "How can you do it?" "No sweat." "We're appointing your father... commercial attaché to the embassy in Rome." "And that entitles him to all the rights... and immunities of a diplomat." "Wait a minute." "You're going to appoint him..." " Why not?" " A dead man?" "Just proves that we don't discriminate against anybody... for reasons of race, creed, color, or state of health." "You mean we handle him just like a diplomatic pouch?" "You bet." "He goes right through customs... sealed coffin, no inspection, no formalities at either end." " That's kind of cute." " That's nothing." "Someday I'll tell you how we got Batista out of Cuba." "First on the agenda..." "First, you wanted to go to the can." "Can." "That's right." "I'm sorry." "Mother would never forgive me." "Look at the wretched job I did on your nails." "Tell me something." "Bruno's body." "What did they do with it?" "It is lying in the morgue, unclaimed." "No family." " Interesting." " In what way?" "We may have a use for that third coffin." "That is very generous of you." "Your family plot, does that offer still stand?" "You're not suggesting we bury Bruno there!" "The Carluccis, they would turn over in their graves." "I wasn't thinking of Bruno." "No?" "You were thinking of somebody else?" "Maybe... two somebody else's?" "My ancestors, they will be honored." "We're not there yet." "There's a time element." "And we'll need some transportation." "Transportation?" "No sweat." "I will call the Trotta brothers." "You know you got... a plate of scrambled eggs in the bathtub?" " I do?" " And half a herring." "Now you understand why I want that job with Sheraton." "OK, kid, here is the game plan." "You get dressed and packed." "Next, we collect your father." "Sure thing." "As soon as they open the morgue." "And I want some officials at that airport." "I want the mayor and what-have-you." "Of course." "Right after lunch." " That will be 4:00." " 4:00?" "That's when they open the mortuary." "That goddamn lunchtime again." "We pour in millions of dollars of foreign aid... just so they can sit on their butts and..." "What the hell is there to do around here for two hours?" "Tell him about the mud baths." "Mud baths?" "World-famous." "For rheumatism, arthritis, neuritis, phlebitis... urinary complaints, hyperacidity, male potency." "Is that so?" "Come to think of it, I do have a slight acid condition." "Maybe I'll give that a little whirl." "By all means." "It is downstairs." "I will show you." "Be right back." "Where do we meet?" "Let me put it all together, and we'll meet at the airport." "Right-o." "That mud business..." "does it really help?" "I assure you, after one bath... you will have the acidity of a man of twenty." "Thank you." "It was your idea." "What's the name of that orchestra here?" "Sergio... something." "Why?" "We might as well go all the way." "I'm sure he'd enjoy it more... than that glee club in Baltimore... the son of a bitch." "The marble, do you want it white or pink?" "Pink." "Very good." "And the inscription?" "I guess... "Willie and Kate. "" ""Willie and Kate. " That is all?" "We don't want any weeping angels or hearts intertwined." "Or do we?" "How about "Willie and Kate Carlucci"?" "I'll go for that." "You make me very happy." "And there will be tromboncini every Sunday." "After all, we are now one big family." "Hold it, boys." "My father goes on the other side." "Very important." "It's his good ear." "Damn!" "What the hell took you so long?" "Signore, in Italy, when a coffin passes by... people cross themselves." "They kneel down sometimes in the middle of the road." "You just cannot..." "All right, all right." "Over here, boys!" "Let's get this thing down!" "Poor Bruno." "If he knew what was happening to him..." "What do you mean, "poor Bruno"?" "This is what he always wanted..." "to go back to America." "Come on, boys." "Snap it up, will you?" "Come on." "It's getting late." "Will the witnesses please step forward?" "Raise your right hand and repeat after me." "I, Wendell Armbruster Sr. do solemnly swear... that I will uphold and defend... the Constitution of the United States... against all enemies foreign and domestic... and that I will perform the duties of my office... to the best of my ability, so help me God." "Congratulations, sir." "And salute!" "Ready, hup!" "Thank you, gentlemen." "That concludes the ceremonies." "All right, load her up." "Here." "You'll need this." "It's your father's diplomatic passport." "You don't miss a trick, do you?" "The C.I.A. Ran it off for me last night." "The C.I.A.?" "Never heard of them." "Let's go." "Good-bye, Pamela Piggott." "Have a good flight." "Don't work too hard." "Suppose I do?" "The worst that can happen... is I'll wind up with a bad back." "The suite, it will be ready." "July 15th to August 15th." "If we should run into each other again... in the lobby or the souvenir shop..." "I promise you I'll be so thin." "You lose one pound, just one pound... and it's all over between us."