"You'll let me have yourredraft on establishment levels by Thursday?" "You need it that early?" "I don't need it that early, but the Ministerhas to read it before facing the select committee." "What makes it harder, he has to remember it." "Harderstill, he has to understand it." "Incidentally, did you write the Minister's Washington speech?" "Yes, Sir Humphrey." " Splendid." "Well done." " Thank you, Sir Humphrey." "The Minister's in now." "Good." "Right, thank you all." "Have you enjoyed having your Ministeraway fora week?" "Not very much." "Makes things very difficult." "Ah, Bernard!" "A Minister's absence is a godsend!" "You can do the job properly foronce." "No silly questions, no bright ideas, no fussing about the papers." "I think our Minister doesn't believe he exists unless he's in the papers." "I'll bet the first thing he says is," ""Any reports on my Washington speech?"" " Howmuch?" " A pound." "Done." "He won't because he's already asked!" "In the caron the way back from Heathrow." "You're learning, Bernard." "Sit down." "See why a Minister's absence is a good thing?" " Yes, but so much work piles up." " There we are." "With a couple of days' briefing before he goes and debriefing after, he's out of ourhairfora fortnight." "Lfhe complains ofbeing uninformed, say it came up while he was away." "Hence so many summit conferences?" "That's the only way the country works!" "Concentrate all the power at Number 10 then send the PM away to EEC summits, NATO summits, Commonwealth summits, anywhere!" "Then the Cabinet Secretary can run the country properly." "We ought to see him now." "What do you think of the Washington speech?" ""British administration as a model of loyalty and efficiency." "A ruthless waron waste, cutting bureaucracy to the bone." " Britain can teach the world!"" " Can we prove it?" "A good speech isn't one where we can prove he's telling the truth." "It's one in which nobody else can prove he's lying!" "But even so, I'm sure itwas good, but I justwondered whether itwas boring forthe audience." "Of course itwas boring!" "Bored the pants of them!" "Ghastly to have to sit through it, I should think!" "Ministers' speeches aren'twritten forthe audience." "Aren't they?" "Delivering a speech is just a formality you go through to get into the papers." "We can'tworry about entertaining." "We're notwriting fora comedian." "Well, not a professional one!" "The point is the speech said the right things." " But why say it in public?" " It's vital." "Once it's printed, the Ministerhas to defend us in select committees." " He defends us anyway." " Well... only to a point, Bernard." "Once something goes wrong, the Minister's first instinct is to rat on his department." "We must nail his trousers to the mast." " You mean nail his colours?" " No, his trousers." "Then he can't climb down!" "Come on." " Welcome home, Minister!" " Hello, Humphrey." "Bernard, didn't you say there were some press cuttings on my speech?" "Yes, I put them in the box, Minister." "Minister, you do realise the importance of tomorrow's hearing?" "Indeed." "The press will be there." "It's notjust a question of the press." "It's a scrutiny of this department's future operation." "If it emerged thatwe were extravagant or incompetent..." " Are we extravagant or incompetent?" " Of course not." "But there are hostile members, especially the one for Derbyshire." " No!" "Betty Oldham won't be there?" " Yes, alas." "I urge you to masterthis brief, and ask if you have any problems." "Anotherbrief?" "I've only just mastered one." "Really?" "Whatwas in it?" "I can't remember." "So difficult to concentrate on a plane, all those drinks and movies." " And they wake you up." " Of course, Minister." "Frightfully difficult to concentrate if you keep being woken up." "Seriously, this is the only brief with possible questions from the committee with appropriate answers carefully presented to give ourposition." "Is it absolutely accurate?" "They're carefully presented to give ourposition." "These committees are important." "I cannot be seen to mislead them." "You will not be seen to mislead them." " The truth?" " And nothing but." " The whole truth?" " Of course not." " We tell them we keep secrets?" " Indeed not!" "Why not?" ""He thatwould keep a secret must keep it secret, that he hath the secret to keep"." "Who said that?" "Itwas Sir Humphrey." " Who said it originally?" " Francis Bacon, wasn't it?" "Oh, yes." "Why can'twe go anywhere without briefs?" "In case they get caught with theirtrousers down." "Trousers down!" "Pick them!" "Very droll, Bernard." " Are we going to be interrupted?" " Yourdiary's empty today." "Whatwas in that submission I read?" "More or less a rehash of last year's report." "And the yearbefore?" "And the yearbefore that?" "Yes, eversince 1867." "With appropriate alterations." "Shall we go through it?" "Mustwe?" "I'm still jet-lagged." "All the press will be there." "Right, let's get down to it." "The fact is that the Department of Administrative Affairs is run to a high standard of efficiency and supports and services the administrative work of all Government departments, as we've said in oursubmission." "Thank you, Minister." "Questions?" " Mrs Oldham?" " Thank you." "Minister, have you heard of Malcolm Rhodes?" "No." "He was assistant secretary in the DAA until he resigned last year." "There are 23,000 people in the DAA." "But he resigned orwas eased out." "Became a management consultant and has justwritten a book, this is an advance proof, in which he makes astounding allegations of waste of public money, particularly in yourdepartment." "Could I have a word with my officials, MrChairman?" " Know about this?" " Not about the book." " Who is Rhodes?" " He's a trouble-maker." " What's in the book?" " Don't know." " What do I do?" " Stall." ""Stall", meaning avoiding answer." "Yes, I knowwhat stall means!" "You've sent me into a typhoon without even an umbrella!" "An umbrella's no use in wind..." "Shut up, Bernard!" "Have you had sufficient consultation with yourofficials?" "I..." "Let me read you some scandalous facts Mr Rhodes reveals, and I quote, "No 4 supply depot in Herefordshire, two formeraircraft hangars used only forstores but which are centrally-heated to 70 degrees day and night"." " What do you say about that?" " I can't answerwithout priornotice." " It might not be true." " It is." "I checked." "What reason can there be forsuch appalling extravagance?" "Some materials deteriorate at low temperatures, depending on what it is." "Copperwire." "Yes, well... copperwire?" "It can corrode in damp conditions." "It's plastic-coated." "Plastic-coated?" "I..." "Plastic-coated?" "I'll certainly have it looked into." "He says you insist on ordering all pens, pencils, paperclips and so on centrally, then distributing them against departmental requisitions." "That seems to be quite sensible." "Savings through bulk purchase." "He demonstrates that this is fourtimes more expensive than if officers bought what they want on the High Street." "Very interesting." "If so, we'll change the system." "We're not a rigid bureaucracy." "He said he proposed this change when he was in yourdepartment, and itwas turned down as people were used to the existing procedure." " How's that forrigid bureaucracy?" " I'll have it looked into." " "Looked into"?" " Yes!" "You said in yourWashington speech lastweek that you conducted a waron waste and could teach the world a lesson." "How do you reconcile thatwith spending £75,000 on a roof garden on top of the supplementary benefits office in Kettering?" "I'm..." "I'll..." " Have it looked into?" " Yes!" "Yes, I will!" "The DAA's Permanent Secretary is due to appearnextweek." "Isn't he the appropriate person to answerthe questions?" "Thank you." "See that Sir Humphrey's notified." "Perhaps you might let him see the allegations?" ""Allegations of Governmentwaste"?" ""Big questions to answer"?" " You've put me in a difficult position!" " What about me?" "The PM's demanding economies, and we've been wasting all this money!" "No one's been saving anything, you should know that!" "They look as though they have." " Couldn't you have stalled?" " Stalled?" "Blurred things a bit." " You're good at blurring the issue." " What?" "You have a considerable talent formaking things unintelligible." " I beg yourpardon!" " I mean that as a compliment." "Blurring the issue is one of the basic ministerial skills." "And the others?" "Delaying decisions, dodging questions, juggling figures, bending facts and concealing errors." "Whatwas I to do?" "Make it look like you'd do something and do nothing." "Like you usually do." " But if these revelations are true..." " Exactly, Minister, "if"." "You could have discussed truth." "The committee isn't interested in truth." "They're all MPs!" " What about a security matter?" " HB pencils a security matter?" "Depends what you write with them!" "Why build roof gardens on top of offices?" "We took overthe office design from an American company, and it happens that nobody noticed the roof gardens on the plan." "God!" "It's a tiny mistake anyone could make." "Tiny mistake, £75,000?" "Give me an example of a big mistake?" "Letting people find out about it!" "Why are we heating sheds full of wire?" " You want the truth?" " Lf it's no trouble." "The staff are using the sheds forgrowing mushrooms." "Stop them!" "They've been doing it since 1945." "It's the only perk in an extremely boring job." "What about Rhodes's proposals forstationery?" "He was a trouble-makerand crank, unhealthily obsessed with efficiency." "Why didn'twe adopt his proposals and save millions?" " Yes, but a lot of work to implement." " So?" " Taking on more staff." " Humphrey!" " Disprove it." " I can't, obviously." " Exactly!" " Making it up?" " Of course." " Why?" "As an example ofhow to handle a select committee." "Sir Humphrey, let's get down to details." " This heated aircraft hangar." " Indeed." "I do understand yourconcern, but it gets frightfully cold in Herefordshire." " Even civil servants..." " We aren't talking about civil servants." "We're talking coils of wire plastic-coated to keep them warm!" " Staff are in and out all the time." " Why?" "Taking deliveries, making withdrawals, checking records, fire inspections..." " They can weargloves, can't they?" " But it's a staff welfare policy." "I suggest this policy is costing the taxpayermillions!" "Nothing to say?" "I can't comment on Government policy." " But you advise the Minister." " I can't disclose how I advise him." " The Minister's responsible forpolicy." " All right." "We'll ask the Minister." "What about stationery savings?" "Itwould've meant considerable Government patronage on juniorstaff." ""Considerable Government patronage"?" "Buying a packet of paperclips?" "It's Government policy to exercise strict control overwho can spend its money." "It's common sense to let people buy theirown paperclips." "Government policy is nothing to do with common sense." "Don't you think it's time the policy was changed?" "Well, Sir Humphrey?" "I can't comment on Government policy." "Ask the Minister." "The Ministeradvises us to ask you." "I'm advising you to ask the Minister." " When does this end?" " As soon as you like." "Let's come to the roof garden." "Yes, with pleasure." "This was part of a wide variety of roof insulation schemes, which the Governmentwas testing in the interest of fuel economy." "But £75,000!" "Itwas thought the sale of vegetable produce might offset the cost." "And did it?" " No." " Then why not abandon the garden?" "It's there now, insulating the roof, and we aren't building any more." "But you've wasted £75,000!" "All proposals were tested forfuel saving." "At this fantastic waste of taxpayers' money?" "You agree itwas wasted?" "I can't comment on Government policy." "Ask the Minister." "Look, whateverwe ask the Minister, he says is a question foryou." "Whateverwe ask you, you say is a question forthe Minister!" "How do we find out what's going on?" "Yes, I see there is a dilemma here." "While the Government regards policy as the responsibility of Ministers and administration as the responsibility of officials, questions of administrative policy cause confusion between the policy of administration and the administration of policy, especially when responsibility forthe policy of administration" "conflicts with responsibility for the policy of administration of policy." "That's a load of meaningless drivel." "Isn't it?" "I can't comment on Government policy." "You must ask the Minister." " A great help!" " I did my best." "Best foryourself, perhaps!" "But youranswers solved nothing." "We'll both be there, getting the third degree from that committee." "We've got to have the same answers!" " Let's establish ourposition." " What are the facts?" "The facts are neitherhere northere!" "I see." "What's ourposition?" "We choose one of the five standard excuses to deal with each allegation." "Five standard excuses?" "First, the excuse we used in the Anthony Blunt case:" ""There's an explanation foreverything, but security forbids its disclosure"." "Second, the excuse we used forcomprehensive schools:" ""Because ofbudget cuts, supervisory resources went beyond their limits"." " That's not true, is it?" " But it's a good excuse." "Then there's the excuse forConcorde:" ""Aworthwhile experiment, now abandoned, but not before it had provided much valuable data and employment"." "But that is true, isn't it?" "Oh, no, of course it isn't." "Four, there's the excuse forthe Munich Agreement:" ""It occurred before important facts were known and couldn't re-occur"." "What important facts?" "That Hitlerwanted to conquer Europe." " I thought everybody knew that!" " Not the Foreign Office." " Five?" " Five..." "The Charge of the Light Brigade excuse:" ""An unfortunate lapse by an individual, dealtwith under internal disciplinary procedures"." " That covers everything?" " Just about, so far." " Even wars?" " Small wars." " It's real teamwork from now on." " United we stand, divided we fall!" "Minister, you're due at the House." "The PM's adviserwants you to pop in fora drink." "Sir Mark Spencer." " Mark Spencer?" " I suggested 5.30?" "Fine, yes." "Oh, dear." "I knew there'd be trouble." "The PM wants to knowwhy ourreplies have been so feeble." "Perhaps it's just fora drink." "They don't ask you fora drink just because you're thirsty!" "I'll meet you back here at 6.30, and we'll cook up a story." " Agree ourposition, Minister." " That's what I said." "Come in!" "Hello, Jim." " Scotch?" " Thanks." " How are things going?" " Fine." "That select committee was a shock, throwing the book at us, but everything's undercontrol and Humphrey and I can explain it." "The PM shouldn'tworry." "I'd like to knowwhere Malcolm Rhodes got all his information." "And who gave the proofs to Betty Oldham?" "The PM must be livid." "It's no fault of mine." " Why do you think the PM's livid?" " Surely?" "Let's look at the situation logically." "Sit down." "Yes." "Of course." "Let me ask you some questions." "What is the PM trying to achieve in public expenditure?" " Cuts, obviously." " Why so little success?" " Obstruction from the civil service?" " Are all the Cabinet committed to it?" " I think so." "I certainly am." " But no Minister's made any cuts." " Rome wasn't built in a day." " No." "It's because all the Ministers have gone native." " Surely?" " The civil service has trained them!" "Well, maybe true..." "Certainly not of me!" "If a Ministerwere really trying to cut expenditure, howwould he react to a book exposing Governmentwaste?" " I should think he'd..." " Mmm?" "Itwould depend..." "What are you trying to say?" "Knowwhat the civil service say?" "You're a pleasure to work with." "Oh!" "Oh..." "That's what Barbara Woodhouse says about herspaniels." "Sir Humphrey said you're worth yourweight in gold." "What does that suggest to you?" "That I've failed utterly?" "You look as if you need anotherScotch." "The PM isn't pleased with my performance at the committee." " I failed to coverup the failure." " On the contrary." "He's not pleased because you're covering up too well." "Don't you see?" "You're protecting the civil service." "The PM and I are doing ourbest to expose why cuts in expenditure are not taking place." "And you are helping the civil service to defy the Government." "Am I?" "You were wondering where Betty Oldham got the proofs and where Malcolm Rhodes got that inside information." "Can't you guess?" "You mean... the PM?" "Of course not!" "Not directly." "You mean... you?" "What am I to do at the select committee?" "There's only one course open to you." "Absolute loyalty." "Who to?" "That's yourdecision." "Itwas an errorthat occurred before important facts were known." "I assure you it is an oversight that couldn't possibly happen again." " Wouldn't you agree, Minister?" " Perfectly correct." "The correct official reply." "But I've been thinking very deeply overthe last few days, and there's no doubt that this committee is on to something." "Of course there's waste." "And excuses can always be found in individual cases." "But you have convinced me ourapproach is wrong." "Ministers and theircivil servants so often coverup and defend where they should seek out and destroy." "I've spoken to Mr Rhodes, authorof this invaluable book, and he'll head an independent enquiry into the field of administration, starting with my department." "And how does Sir Humphrey react to this?" "Sir Humphrey is in complete agreementwith me." "We work as a team." "I must say, he's a pleasure to work with." "But this account of what's been going on doesn't square with yourWashington speech about a waron waste." "Well, I'm an old-fashioned sort of chap, Betty, and I believe in a thing called loyalty." "Whateveryou say in private you defend in public, eh, Humphrey?" "In that case, aren't you being disloyal now?" "No." "I believe a Minister has a higher loyalty." "A loyalty to Parliament and the nation." "And that loyalty must be paramount, howeverhard and painful that may be." "Of course, one is loyal to one's department and officials, until the evidence is overwhelming, but I must say in public, that reforms can and will take place, and I know I shall find in Sir Humphrey my staunchest ally." "Isn't that so, Humphrey?" "Yes, Minister." "Yes, Minister." " A big help!" " I did my best." "The best foryourself!" "This is your idea of teamwork?" "Amusing!" " I had to do it." " Had to do what?" "Cravenly admit everything to them?" "Don't you realise how calamitous this is forus?" " Not both of us, I hope." " You hope in vain." "We're up in arms, with very little confidence in you." "As for Number 10, I shudderto think how the PM will react to yourpublic admission of failure." "A personal letter from the Prime Minister." "I did warn you, Minister." "Bernard, you should give some thought to drafting a face-saving letter of resignation forthe Minister." ""Dear Jim..."" ""Dear Jim"?" ""We haven't seen enough of each other lately." "Are you free for lunch at Chequers on Sunday?" "We shall just be the family." "I look forward to seeing you"." "I don't think I?" "It has paid off!" "A conspiracy!" "That drink with Mark Spencer!" ""...not seen enough..." "Lunch at Chequers..."" "It's hand-written!" "Do you realise howmuch it's worth?" "I believe the going rate is thirty pieces of silver!" "No, Humphrey." "Loyalty and integrity have received theirjust rewards." "Loyalty?" "I have backed you up the same way you have always backed me up." "Isn't that so?" "Sorry?" "Did you say something?" "I think he said, "Yes, Minister"."