"Almost there." "Just another second, Mr. Alzate." "It's our new six-man tent." "They claim you can put it up in 30 seconds." "Kyle's been at it since lunch." "Maybe he needs those five other guys." "Internet sales have been terrible with this." "How do you sell a tent nobody wants?" "We should ask the rep that sold you a thousand." "Done." "Finally." "That was worse than wrestling my grandma into a bathtub." "But at least you end up with a clean old lady, huh?" "Clean, old, slippery lady." "Then she breaks free, runs out into the yard, and the whole thing starts all over again." "Actually, it's a well-made tent." "I have no idea why they're not selling online." "People want what people want." "Apparently, after a long day of hunting and fishing, what they don't want is six sweaty guys in one tent." "I'm gonna stay down here and sell these babies the old-fashioned way..." "Face-to-face, one at a time." "That's a good plan." "Yeah." "All you got to do is sell one a day for two years, and then you only got 230 left." "It's all about customer rapport, Mikey." "Sir, may I direct you to our excellent zip-front tent?" "It sleeps six, and you can set it up in 30 seconds flat." "You can take it down even faster." "If nobody's there when you ring the bell, don't just leave the box by the door because some of my customers haven't been getting their orders." "Well, there's a lot of crooks out there." "That's why I always hide your deliveries in the bushes or behind some firewood." "Then you're gonna have to hide them better, Kyle, 'cause people still aren't getting them." "Uh, Mike, you want to weigh in on that?" "You're still helping Mandy with her clothing business, right?" "Well, not so much right now." "I have too many headaches with my own business." "You know, Kyle works for me, too." "Kyle is such a great boyfriend." "I'm devoting an entire chapter to him in my autobiography." "It will come right before my loss of confidence, my battle with addition, and then my climb back to the top." "Did she just say "battle with addition"?" "If you had ever helped her with her math homework, you'd understand." "I would really feel much better if you were more involved." "She's gonna make mistakes, and she'll learn from them." "The first step is admitting you have a problem with addition." "So, honey, how are sales?" "Oh, excellent." "Last month, I made $2,000." "Wow!" "Hey." "Before or after taxes?" "Oh, that was without taxes." "Wink!" "Wink!" "Dad knows what I'm talking about." "Ready to jump in yet, Mike?" "You didn't pay any taxes?" "Well, you know, it's like you always say..." "Taxes are a big government rip-off, Obama, Hillary, blah, blah, blah." "Pbht." "You need to be setting aside 40% for taxes." "Obama is like that annoying friend of yours that takes french fries off your plate but in this case, if you don't give them to him, he will put you in jail." "That's what I'm saying." "Why are you guys telling me this?" "I-I used to be rich, and now I'm poor." "Welcome to the Democratic party platform..." "That and an energy policy of windmills and little monkeys on tricycles." "Now what are we blaming the democrats for, huh?" "The financial recovery, affordable healthcare, getting Bin Laden?" "Enough with the "getting Bin Laden" thing!" "That was like three super bowls ago." "God, the Von Trapp family took fewer curtain calls." "Mandy hasn't been paying any taxes." "Oh, wow." "Who do you think you are, Mandy?" "Verizon?" "Boeing?" "G.E.?" "Hey, I will find the money to pay my stupid taxes, like every other stupid person in stupid America, okay?" "You don't need to say "stupid America."" "You just need to say "California."" "We should give her that money." "No, no, no." "Yeah." "We'll give her advice." "We're not bailing her out." "This is a teachable moment like that time she got her head caught in the banister." "Times." "You know what?" "She... she can earn some money." "Kristin, hey." "Honey?" "Huh?" "What?" "How do you feel about giving Mandy a shift at your restaurant?" "Oh, yeah." "We have been on the lookout for someone who's incompetent, so... no." "Plus, their banisters are really wide." "Actually, you know who's looking for help?" "Grandpa Bud asked if I could cover for him next weekend at the pot store." "It sounded like good money." "You said no, right?" "!" "Of course." "It would be, like, awkward to run into one of the moms from Boyd's school, so..." "Why would the other moms be buying marijuana?" "It's been so long since you've had a 7-year-old." "Well, it's a good thing we found this tax problem now, you know?" "You can't hide from the U.S. government forever." "My cousin's been doing it for 11 years." "I mean, what cousin?" "I.N.S., I.R.S... it's a toss-up to see who raids this place first." "Got to get a plan to pay off this tax bill." "Okay, I have a plan." "Good." "So, I was gonna ask if you and mom..." "No." "Then I don't have a plan." "One way to raise revenue is increase your profit margin." " You do that by cutting costs." " Uh-huh." "What's your biggest expense?" "Mm..." "You know, I think I'll cut my break short today." "Sewing is much more relaxing than eating or resting." "Ahh." "That's very, very good, Blanca." "Yes, we have to make more dresses so we can make more money." "Or... we could charge more." "You think I should raise my prices?" "Wait." "But how would I, like, even do that?" "See that number right there?" " Yeah?" " We make it bigger." "What?" "!" "Wow." "That was really easy." "Okay, uh, but if I raise my prices, won't I scare off my customers?" "It depends." "What kind of shoppers do you want..." " "A" bargain hunters?" " Mm-hmm." "Or, "B," high-end shoppers?" "Mm..." " Say "B." We want "B." - "B."" "Yeah, I mean, I want the high-end people." "Yeah." "Right." "I mean, my stuff is really good, dad." "I use quality fabrics, and I custom-make every single order by hand." "Oh, yes, and I just sewed a "handmade by Mandy Baxter" tag into this dress I just handmade." "We could target a more discerning customer who appreciates one-of-a-kind, handmade items." "Ooh!" "That's really good." "Keep typing stuff like that." "It's called branding." "It's bad for a cow, but great for a small business." "We could turn Mandy Baxter designs into a more high-end brand, like, uh..." "Like Prada?" "Ooooh!" "I could be like Prada?" "I was thinking more like Browning Shotguns, but Prada's fine." "Listen, people will pay for quality." "I'm gonna use my computer upstairs." "I'm gonna send you a new template for a better web design, and we'll change that font to something where the I's not dotted with a kitten." "Blanca, we are gonna be the next Prada." "Oh." "I already worked in high-end fashion." "I was a shift supervisor at a factory in Zacapa." "That sounds like a really good job." "Yeah." "But when you're 11, you just want to go out and play." "Mike, how do you like my new attention-getter?" "Pretty good moves for a white guy." "They call him Doobie." "That's a slang term for a marijuana cigarette." "No kiddin', dad." "Listen, I don't appreciate you asking Kristin to work here." " It was only for a couple of days." " I don't care." "I'm going out of town next weekend with my new lady friend." "Why do you need Kristin?" "You have a new manager." " Yeah, Cheryl." "She's great." "Great." " Good." "She's also my new lady friend." "She's got a bowling tournament in Reno." "Wow." "Bowling tournament, Reno..." "I read about that in the society page." "Do you think it's a really smart idea to be dating your employees?" "I know... don't crap where you eat." "Although you may not have a choice in Reno." "Cheryl and I are just having a few laughs." "I don't need you sticking your nose in." "I'm not here to stick my nose in your business." "I just want to remind you I don't want my kids working at this store." " You made your point." " Good." "Have a safe trip to Reno, and don't do anything stupid like get married." "Don't worry." "That won't happen." "Cheryl's already married." "Your dad is going to Reno with a married woman, and you didn't say anything?" "Well, I took a few shots at Reno." "I try not to interfere when people are making bad decisions." "I didn't say one thing that whole year you went redhead." "You know, it wouldn't take me long to find your mullet pictures, dad." "That was my favorite haircut." "I want to be buried in a mullet." "Funeral in the front, party in the back." "Boy, I love the example your dad is setting for our kids." "First Bud's buds and now dating a married woman." "Who's dating a married woman?" "Uh..." "Uh, your ...your father." "Yeah, we're... we're married, but it's like we're dating, because we are so much in love." "Gross." "Oh, I think it's sweet." "Eve's probably right." "It is gross." "Hey." "However, I will see you tonight, red." "Still got some dye left in that bottle." "I could ginger up in an hour." "Hey, you guys, check it out." "Just redid the website." "Welcome... to the new..." "Mandy Baxter designs." "Ooh!" "That's sleek." "You got rid of the kitties." "Definitely looks more expensive." "Oh, funny you should say that, because..." "It is." "$150 for a romper?" "You're out of your mind." "Out of my mind like a fox." "It's called rebranding." "I'm creating a premium product." "Okay, but are these rompers somehow better than the ones that you were selling yesterday?" "Yeah, they cost more." "But they're the same." "No, they're more expensive." "Try to keep up." "See, it's a scientific fact..." "People like paying more money for stuff." "Nope." "That's neither science nor fact." "Uh, okay." "Well, I don't really care what you guys think." "You're not my target customers, 'cause let's face it... you're Target customers." "But is the strategy working?" "How are sales?" "Ummm..." "Not good." "But, you know, dad says it'll take a while for my new rich customers to find me." "They're probably busy on their yachts and stuff." "Okay, but what will you do if they don't find you?" "You owe the government money, right?" "Yeah." "I don't know what I'll do." "Don't worry." "When you get to prison, they'll tell you what to do." "Waterproof, double-stitched, lifetime warranty." "What do you say?" "Hmm?" "I really don't need a six-man tent." "I usually camp on my own." "I'm sorry, but we're fresh out of loser tents." "It was just ...just a joke." "No wonder you don't have friends." "Mr. Alzate, um, is my dad around?" "I have to talk to him about my business strategy." "Uh, he's at the Thornton store." "And..." "If he asks, I sold 30 tents today." "That's unbelievable." "You're right." "Make it six." "Uh, excuse me." "Where's the thermal underwear?" "Well, if you really want to keep warm..." "Come here." "Picture this." "You and five other guys crammed into this thing, huh?" "It'll be like a sauna." "Yeah, I'm not really into camping." "That's the first misconception about tents." "They're not just about camping." "This could be a greenhouse." "It could be a guesthouse." "It could be a doghouse." "It could be a butterfly pavilion." "It's your tent." "Come on." "Why am I doing all the work here?" "I-I don't know." "Come on." "Step in there and check it out." "Look at the workmanship." "There you go." "Wow, you're really good at that." "Yeah, what you are watching is a master class in salesmanship." "I could sell rice to an eskimo." "Don't you mean ice to an eskimo?" "Why would they need ice?" "It's everywhere." "Hmm." "Hey, do you know anything about branding?" "I know cows hate it." "I mean for my business." "See, I just redid my website." "But nobody's buying, and my dad keeps telling me to be patient." "Your dad's a very smart man, but he puts too much faith in this Internet thing." "Now, what customers crave is the face-to-face dynamic of working with an attentive sales associate." "I-I'm having trouble getting this zipper back up." "I don't know what you're doing in there, young man, but you just bought yourself a tent." "Oh." "Hey, Bud." "Vanessa." "Hey, dad." "Mike." "I thought I'd stop by." "Uh, I won't get to see you before I head out of town this weekend." "Well, I am glad you're here." "Um, Mike wants to talk to you about your trip to Reno." "No, I don't." "Did you change your mind about Kristin watching the store?" "No, I didn't." "You mentioned that Cheryl is married, and Mike is worried about that." "No, I'm not." "I told you, Mike." "Keep your nose out of my private life." "I'm trying to keep my nose out of your private life, but this woman here keeps shoving it back in." "I have no problem with you dating Cheryl." "Well, you know who might have a problem with it?" "Cheryl's husband." "I got nothing to worry about from him." " You're sure?" " Absolutely." "The guy's in prison." "See there?" "He's got nothing to worry about." "They've both moved on." "I understand he's also found a new relationship." "Maybe not 100% consensual." "Bud, what did this guy do to end up in prison?" "He sold marijuana." "Before it was legal." "Ironic." "Dad's gonna be fine." "If you can't find happiness in Reno with a married bowler..." "What hope do any of us really have?" " Hey, guys." "Oh, hey, grandpa." " Hey." " Mandy." " Yeah?" "While I'm here, let me give you the key to Bud's buds." " Thank you." " What?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "We just had a conversation about this!" "I don't want these girls in that store!" "Relax, Michael." "I'm moving all the weed out." "She's just using the space while I'm away." "Mm-hmm." "For my Mandy Baxter store." "Wish me luck in Reno." "If you had any luck, you wouldn't be going to Reno." "Mandy, wha... you're opening a retail space?" "Just for a couple of days while grandpa Bud's out of town." "Yeah, but you're spending money you don't have." "To make money I don't have." "No, no, no." "Yeah!" "Listen, honey, we were talking about rebranding your product to a more discriminating customer." "And I'm sure that Prada doesn't have pop-up stores in Denver's pot district." "Okay..." "Well, I was talking with Mr. Alzate..." "And you bought 30 tents." "He says the Internet is overrated, dad." " Wha..." " He recommends bricks and mortar." "Well, I'm worried the I.R.S. is gonna come down on you like a ton of bricks and mortar." "Honey..." "You told me to believe in myself." "We tried your idea." "It clearly didn't work." "I think that this is the way to go." "All right." "It's your business, it's your decision." "Go with your gut." "Uh, my gut?" "Gosh, just because I'm not doing things your way is no reason to call me fat!" "We need more customers." "I wish I knew more beautiful, young girls without clothes." "I wish you did, too, Kyle." "Hold on." "Didn't this used to be a pot store?" "We sell quality handmade dresses and rompers for the discerning shopper." "What did I smoke last night?" "Huh?" "Maybe I should go out front and spin the sign I made." "No, Kyle." "We're not a discount store." "Remember, Mandy Baxter is a premium brand." "Sorry." "I don't know what I was thinking." "Actually, that's a lie." "I was thinking I wanted to dance with a sign." "What's up, losers?" "Just thought I'd come by to see how your lemonade stand was doing." "Business is..." "Great." "Yeah, I just turned away a customer." "Hmm..." "Maybe you should stop doing that." "'Cause the smell of failure in here is stronger than the smell of weed." "You know what?" "If you're not gonna buy anything, then just go." "No, I-I'll buy, if you cut your prices." "I know you're desperate, so I'm here to pick your bones." "I stand by my prices." "I am a high-end brand, and people will pay for quality, okay?" "I love this." "This is so beautifully made." "Oh, thank you so much, discerning shopper." "I'll take it in a size 8." "Oh, ssshoot." "You know what?" "I don't have an 8." "Uh, then maybe you could buy two 4s." "I could make you an 8." "It'll just take a couple of days." "If I wanted to wait a few days, I could order something online." "Thanks for coming." "Tell your discerning friends." "This isn't working." "I have to get more people in here." "If only there was a way to... attract attention." "Go." "Oh, boy!" "Oh." "I think I smell a drop in prices." "Honey?" " Hey, Mandy!" " Huh?" "Oh, God." "It's pretty late to be up sewing." "Isn't it time for the elves to take over?" "My elf had to go to a quinceañera." "Aren't you exhausted?" "You've been working so hard." "Well, I need a bunch more of these for the store tomorrow." "I didn't know I had to have every style in every size." "Who does that?" "Stores." "Sweetie, the beauty of your website was that you made the orders as they came in." "Right, but people stopped buying them." "Have you looked at your website recently?" "No, I've been too busy selling, mom." "Look." "Look, look, look, look." "Wait, did you see this?" "All these orders?" "Yeah, about 20 minutes ago." "I would have come down sooner, but..." ""The Good Wife" was on, so..." "What?" "!" "Oh, my God." "And they're willing to pay the higher prices." " Mm-hmm." " Holy crap." "I am a success." "I am Prada!" "I'm Prada you, too, honey." "Mom." "I can't believe it." "It just took my customers a couple days to find me." "Dad... was right." "You know your dad." "He never gets tired of hearing that." "I get tired of telling him." "So it's your turn." "Yo, dad!" "I'm right here." " Hey." "Guess what." " Hi." "What's that?" "People started buying from my website, just like you said." "I know." "Congratulations." " You knew?" " Yeah." "Really?" "If I were you, I would have rushed downstairs to gloat." "Well, I'm not you." "And I was watching "Ice Road Truckers"" "and waiting for this real surprising part where they, uh, uh, drive across ice." "Yeah, well... the pop-up store was a bad idea." "Why didn't I just listen to you?" "Uh, because you're strong-willed, uh, you like doing things your way, 'cause to you, life is just a banister you want to stick your head in." "Well, sorry." "Business is a learning experience." "You're not an expert yet." "There's a lot of things about business that can't be taught." "Hmm." "I know... algebra." "Algebra can be taught." "I'm talking about a work ethic." "You had to work really hard to screw up this bad." "Yeah, I did, didn't I?" "That's right." "You work hard at stuff, you fail, and you get back up." "You learn from it." "And pretty soon, you won't be taking advice from old people." "You're not old." "I was talking about Ed!" "Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man with a little lesson about help." "Tell me when, Mr. B." "All right, ready?" "Go." "Now, do you want some help with that?" "Uh, yeah." "You can give me a hand..." "No, you don't want any help with that." "You know why?" "Because help is not always helpful." "Sometimes, help is just called enabling." "Democrats love enabling poor people." "And it seems to have worked because taking the government's money is more popular than ever." "In his second inaugural address, Lincoln said," ""we should take care of widows and orphans."" "Now, that makes sense." "But what about rich widows?" "And every orphan isn't Oliver Twist." "Some, like the Menendez brothers, are self-made orphans." "I say we only help those who can't help themselves." "Help!" "Help yourself." "If the person doesn't really need help, you're cheating them out of the pride they'll feel when they succeed on their own." "I did it." "I did it, Mr. B." "And there you go ...a personal best." "Thanks for not helping." "Yeah, it was the least I could not do."