"# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think we're on the run?" "# We are the boys who will stop your little game" "# We are the boys who will make you think again" "# 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think old England's done?" "# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun" "# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think old England's done?" "#" "Stand at ease!" "Stand easy." "I was disappointed at the turn-out on church parade last Sunday." "I know some of you think this is rather a waste of time, but I'd just like to remind you that during Dunkirk, His Majesty the King called for a day of prayer." "You have to admit that worked damn well." "I was delivering essential supplies to a company of ATS girls." " Couldn't you have waited till the afternoon?" " I could, but they couldn't 'cause it was elastic." " It was for their knickers." " Yes, all right, all right!" "I also noticed, Pike, that your hair was rather too long." "Very untidy, right down to the top of your collar." "Get it cut." " Yes." " Yours is rather long, too, Wilson." "You're not a violin player, you know!" " Mum said it made him look rather romantic." " Frank, please!" "Romantic?" "Well, I don't see it." "I had a letter from the Chief Warden of the ARP." " Got it, Wilson?" " I think so." "If that's about Mrs Prosser and me being found down the air-raid shelter, that's not true." " I beg your pardon?" " She came over a bit faint." "I had to take her down there to let her pull herself together." " It's nothing to do with that." " If it was, that's not true!" "Oh, be quiet, Corporal!" "It's to challenge us to a game of cricket." "Ah, good." "I used to be a passable opening bat." "I'd like to volunteer to keep wicket, sir." "I once kept wicket in the rear of the great Ranjit Sinhji, sir." "He was a fine cricketer, sir, an Indian gentleman." "He was a fine upstanding man till I whipped his balls off!" "He did a lot of sneering after that and it made his eyes water." "All right." "We shall certainly need a wicketkeeper." " I'd like a game, please." " Well done, Pike." "I'd like to have a go, sir." "And I think I can lay me hands on a couple of reconditioned cricket balls." " Thank you, Walker." " I'd oblige if there's not too much running about." "Not too far away from the pavilion 'cause he gets caught short." "Yes, all right." "What about you, Frazer?" "I'll have a go if somebody will explain the principle of the thing." "Well, I think we've got the nucleus of a team." " Shall we play them?" " (ALL) Yes!" "That's the spirit." "We'll get the nets up and have a bit of practice." " Tell them we accept the challenge." " I will, sir." " Who's going to be captain?" " I am." "Now, watch this ball very carefully, Walker." "Yes, you were very lucky there." "Just pay attention, will you?" "I want to give you a tip here." "You'll all benefit from this." "Now..." "Whether you're playing forward to a good-length ball, thus...or whether you're playing back..." " Wilson, where are you going?" " What?" " Where are you going?" " I thought I'd skip this lecture." "Skip the...?" "This is just as much for your benefit as anybody else's." " Oh, is it?" "I'm so sorry." " Please pay attention." "Or whether you're playing back to a short-length ball, thus... ..in any case, you always keep the bat absolutely straight." " Why do you do that?" " 'Cause that's the correct way to do it." "If you slash at it in any old way, you'll miss the ball." " But I hit it." " Yes, but you were very lucky." "Pike, just send me a good length down, will you?" "I wouldn't stand there if I were you because that's just where I'm going to put it." "Right, Pike." "Ah, Pike!" "I want you to pay particular attention to the fact that my eye never leaves the ball from it leaving the bowler's hand to striking the middle of the bat...there." "Right." "Sorry about that, Mr Mainwaring." "Sun's very bright today, isn't it?" "You seem to lose sight of it somewhere between the bowler's arm and the bat, sir." "Pity." "Let's see how you shape up at the wicket, Godfrey." "Thank you, sir." " Oughtn't I to be wearing pads?" " No, we shan't send any fast ones down." "It's just that my shins chip very easily." "Come on, let's see how you shape up at the wicket." "Right, send him one down, Pike." "Pike!" "That won't do at all." "Have you never played this game?" "Yes, at the Civil Service Stores I played for the Gentlemen's Outfitting." "Once a year, we had a match against the tobacco and cigarette department." "I nicknamed it "Gentlemen versus Player's"." " Why did you call it that?" " I was rather a wag in those days." "I see." "Now, you need the left hand a bit further round." "That's it." "Left shoulder further round." "Head down." "Look up." "Feet a little more apart." "And the right arm straight." "That's it." "Now, just relax like that for a moment." " All right, Pike." "Send one down." " A googly or an easy one like you had?" "Just bowl, Pike." "Ah, Pike!" "Pike!" "Are you all right?" "You stupid boy!" "Now, just a moment." "We can all learn from Pike's bowling mistakes." "In the first place, your left hand wasn't anywhere near high enough." "It's a cartwheel motion." "Like that." "Let's just try that, shall we?" "Just line up here." " Shall I remain poised for action, sir?" " No, no, stand down, Godfrey." "Now, remember, cartwheel motion, you see?" "Right, over..." "Over." "Come along, Wilson." "Pretend you're doing a cartwheel." " I've never done one." " What about when you were a child?" "I just never did that sort of thing." "Extraordinary." "That's enough of that." "Let's see how it works in practice." "Sorry I'm late, Mr Mainwaring." "I had to do the coupon counting and then the sausages arrived." "No excuses, Jones." "A parade is a parade." "You should be on time." "I've put your pound of sausages in the right-hand drawer of your desk as usual." " Yes, thank you, Jones." "Just watch it in future." " Yes, sir." " Let's get on with the batting practice." " I'd like to take the strike, sir." " Take over from Godfrey." " Thank you very much, sir." "Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, halt." "About turn!" "Now, I want you to take particular attention of the way I hold the ball." "You see?" "Finger along the seam, slightly to the left there, and note the wrist action as the ball leaves my hand." "Very good, Godfrey, yes." "And the final flick of the finger, of course..." "..which will bring it in from the outside of the off-stump." " Right, stand clear." " We hope." "Stand clear, please." "This ball might fox you a bit, Jones, but you must do what you can with it." " Sir." " Here we go." "(GLASS SMASHES)" "(BIRDS SQUAWK)" "Pike!" "Ask the vicar if we can have our ball back." "This way, Gerald." "There we are." "EC Egan, isn't it?" " Yes, that's right." " This is a wonderful day for me, I can tell you." "My name's Hodges." "I spoke to you on the telephone." " Gerald, meet EC Egan." " Hello." "Hello, Gerald." "He bowled Denis Compton, Len Hutton and Joe Hardstaff inside two overs!" "I could've had Bill Edrich as well." "Two overs from him and Mainwaring's lot will be back in the pavilion!" " Will you tell him?" " Not till Mainwaring's at the crease." "Then we can all see his face!" "I wonder if you'd just mind signing here." "That makes you a warden and it's all official then." "What happens if the siren goes?" "You resign." "Ah, Mr Hodges." "Have my men not arrived yet?" "No." "They'll be asleep on guard somewhere." "I don't find that very amusing." "I hear you lot have been practising in secret." "We've been doing a bit in the nets, getting our form back." "You won't have it back for long." "When my blokes come in, just send them through." " Come on, Gerald." "Ernie." "Can I call you Ernie?" " Of course." " Hello, Mr Mainwaring." " Ah, Godfrey." "What's that you're wearing?" "I wear it for bowls." "It keeps me shady when the sun shines." "Oh, no, no, no." "You can't have that." "I'll lend you a cap." " I got 'em." " You've got what?" " The round things we were talking about." " The cricket balls?" "Yeah." "Two pound ten apiece, four pound ten for the pair." "I'm not paying that!" "Whoever heard of two pounds ten for a cricket ball?" "Ssh, don't..." "Listen, two quid apiece." "I'm robbing meself." "You'd sell your own grandmother, wouldn't you?" "There's no market for her." "Good grief!" "It was old Mr Parkinson." "I knew him well." "You can't play cricket like that!" "It's all here!" "I couldnae very well go to that dressed for this, could I?" "Mr Mainwaring, this cap seems just a little large." "Stuff it with some paper." "Must have you looking turned out well." "Sorry if I'm a bit late, sir." "This bag's rather heavy." " What's that you're wearing?" " Well, it's a club I used to belong to." " Bit dazzling, isn't it?" " You don't actually wear it at the wicket." "I'm well aware of that." "Pike!" "Where are your white flannels?" "I haven't got any." "Me mum put them in the dolly tub and they shrunk above me knees." "Come here, boy." "Come here." "(MAINWARING) Pike!" "Look here, Pike." "You're not only a member of the platoon, but an employee of the bank as well." "And to turn up here looking like that isn't doing you any good." "It could jeopardise your entire career." " Do you understand?" " Yes, sir." "It so happens that I've got a spare pair of flannels." "On this occasion, I'm going to lend them to you." "It's not the sort of thing that I like to do." "Trousers are very personal things, you know." " Not to be bandied about." " No." " They're in my bag." "Go and get them." " Thank you, sir." " And take that dreadful eye shade off!" " Edward G Robinson wears one." "Not on the cricket field." " Are you ready, Captain Mainwaring?" " Yes, my boys are all ready." "Boys?" "Blimey!" "Shall we toss here or go out on the pitch like they do in a test match?" " No, we can do it here." " Right, here we are, then." "J-J-Just a moment." "Shouldn't the umpires do that?" "It's gonna be like that, is it?" "Where are the umpires?" " Umpires, please!" " Umpires!" "Captain Mainwaring, good afternoon." "Shouldn't we have white coats?" "Mr Jones is dealing with that." "Ah, he's here now." "All right, don't panic." "I've got the white coats from my shop." "I'm sorry about the blood stains, but a little bit of kidney got left in the pocket." " Thank you very much, Jones." " There we are, Vicar." "You call, Captain." "Age before beauty." "Age before beauty!" " I'm not used to this sort of thing." " Don't worry, sir." "It's not real gambling." " Heads." " It's tails." "You've lost." "Ah..." "Sorry, Captain." "You're fielding." "It looks as if the good Lord has his doubts about the weather for it." "Yes, it does indeed." "Are you in a hurry to get away after the match, Mr Yeatman?" " Not particularly, sir." " Then you ought to remove your bicycle clips." "Well, it'll be good to hear willow striking leather again, Wilson." "Indeed it will, sir, yes." "We're walking out as free men to play a friendly British game." "That's what we're fighting for." "Of course, sir, yes." "Amongst other things." " Managed to get them on, then, Pike?" " Oh, yes." "The only trouble is you're a bit shorter than I am and a bit fatter." "Yes." "Keep your hands in your pockets till the ball's delivered." "Send them down as fast as you like, sir, and I shall catch them and whip off their balls!" "Thank you, Jones." "I'll take first strike." "We'll take it easy for a couple of overs, then really get on top of the bowling." "Pike, go a bit closer." "I often get one with a short catch." "If I go any closer, I'll get me head bashed in!" "Do as you're told, Pike!" "Well, it's just a...touch to the middle." "Oh, that's near enough with him bowling." " Are you ready, Vicar?" " Quite ready, Mr Yeatman." "Will you be saying grace, sir?" "No, thank you, Mr Yeatman." "I don't think it's usual." "Right." "Play!" " Are you going to stand there, lad?" " He says I've got to." "You'll get your head bashed in." "Mr Mainwaring, he says I'll get me head bashed in!" "Stay where you are, Pike!" "Blimey, I can hear it creaking from 'ere!" "Howzat!" "How was that?" "Very spectacular, but it's not out." " I didn't even move." " Well, if you had moved, I'd have had you." "Can I borrow your bat?" "Do you suppose he's going to do that every time?" " He's very keen." " Is he?" "There, all shipshape and Bristol fashion, although I don't think that's the right expression." "Play!" "Four!" "Just tempting him." "I'm going to enjoy this." "Don't bother to run singles, Gerald." "(BAT STRIKES BALL)" "(VERGER) Six!" "Tempting him again, were you, sir?" " Please can I stand a bit farther away?" " Stay where you are!" "Look out for a catch this time, Wilson." "I can hardly bear to look, Joe." "Wi-i-ide!" "Bad luck, sir." "I don't think it was too wide." "He could have reached it easily." "Are you doubting my integrity?" "No, just your judgment." "Every ball a new adventure, innit?" "Are you any relation to Tarzan?" "No ball!" " That was my googly." " From where I was standing, it was a chuck." "And don't argue with the umpire or you'll be sent off." " You don't send people off at cricket." " I do." "I suppose I'm lucky not to have been given offside!" "I'm taking your name for that." "Mainwaring - gross impertinence and sarcasm." "I wonder what he's got up his sleeve with the next one." "I don't know, but I wish I was wearing pads." "Howzat, sir!" "How was that?" "How was that, sir?" "Not out, you old fool!" "Any berk can tell you that!" "Jones, come here!" "Sorry, sir." "I'll try and be quicker next time." "You must make sure he's out of his crease or the vicar will banging those stumps back all day." "Yes, sir." "Well, I'll try and take myself in hand, sir." "Right, let's try again, shall we?" "This is more than flesh and blood can stand." "Run, Gerald, run!" "Catch it, Godfrey!" "Oh..." "Oh, dear!" "Hurry up, Godfrey!" "Sorry, Mr Mainwaring." "I've mislaid the ball." "Could I have a little assistance?" "Frazer, Walker, Pike!" "Come with me!" "Come on, Gerald, keep it up!" "Five." "Six." "Seven." " Didn't you keep your eye on it?" " It's somewhere here, sir." " Maybe it went down a rabbit hole." " There aren't any rabbit holes!" "Damn it, they're still running!" "Eleven." "Twelve." " How much longer do we keep this up?" " Keep running." " My legs are shorter than yours." " Just keep running!" "Not you!" "Fourteen." " Fifteen." " This is ridiculous!" "We should have asked for the heavy roller." "Don't you think we can join hands and tread the ground systematically?" "Nineteen." "Twenty." "'Ere, I tell you what." "What about using the other one?" "Oh, all right." "Two pounds, did you say?" "Don't bother." "Have it on me." "Come on!" "Howzat, sir!" "How was that?" "24, Mr Blewitt!" "I've busted me point jotting them down!" "Don't be absurd." "You can't run 24." "It was a lost ball!" " You just threw it in." " We just found it." "Then it can't be a lost ball, can it?" "Play on!" " It's over, Verger, over!" " All right, over, then." "(BAT STRIKES BALL)" "Howzat!" "How was it?" "How was it?" "How was it?" "How was this?" "How was that?" "How was it, sir?" "152 for 4's not bad, eh, lads?" "I think I'll declare and let your lot have a bash, Mainwaring." "That leaves us three hours to get the runs." "I think that's a very sporting declaration." "Yes, sir, very sporting indeed." "As soon as you've finished your tea, lads..." "Ernie, how many overs do you think you'll need to skittle them out?" "Three or four?" "I should think about four will see this lot off." "By the way, who's that little fat fella?" "Where's he gonna bat?" " Oh, number one, if I know him." " Not half, eh?" "Easy one the first time, pin him to t'side screen wi' t'second 'un!" "Oh, I'm going to enjoy this!" " I'll take first knock, Wilson." " Yes, of course, sir, naturally." "I understand Mrs Mainwaring might be coming to watch the match." "Oh, no, she's not much of a one for outdoor sports." "I see, yes." "More the indoor type, I suppose." " No, I wouldn't really say that either." " Oh." "Keep close in, lads." "We'll probably get a few sitters with this one." "Middle and leg, please, Mr Yeatman!" " Well, can't you make up your mind?" " I'm only trying to do what's right." "You can't help some people." "Play!" "Just a moment!" "That's it, have a good look round." "You won't be there long." "This chap would have been playing for England if the war hadn't started." "Where's he going?" "It's where he comes to you want to worry about." "That ball leaves his hand at 95 miles an hour!" "I'm going to enjoy this!" "Enjoying yourself, Mainwaring?" "He's not bowling at the stumps, he's bowling at me!" " What's up?" " Ohhh!" " It's my shoulder." " What are you talking about?" "Me shoulder, it's gone." "I shan't be able to bowl for two weeks!" " Where are you going?" " I'm going off!" "Cor blimey!" "Now we are in trouble!" "'Enry, you better have a bowl!" "Dear, oh, dear!" "Serves you right, Hodges." "I'm going to enjoy this." "Play!" "Blimey, he's hit it!" " Yes!" " Go on." "Well done!" " Hey!" " Out!" "You're out." "Leg before wicket." "As plain as the nose on your face." "You're out!" "Try to control your staff, Vicar." "# There'll always be an England" "# While there's a country lane" "# Wherever there's a cottage small" "# Beside a field of grain" "# There'll always be an England... #" "Very good!" "# Wherever there's a turning wheel" "# A million marching feet" "# Red, white and blue, what does it mean to you?" "# Surely you're proud, shout it aloud, "Britons awakeI"" "# The Empire, too, we can depend on you" "# Freedom remains, these are the chains nothing can break" "# There'll always be an England" "# And England shall be free" "# If England means as much to you" "# As England means to me #" "Come on!" "'Ere, Sergeant Wilson's doing very well." "That's 81 he's made." "Yes." "He's had some very narrow escapes." "That's it." "You're in, Godfrey." "We only want five runs to win." "Just try not to get out and perhaps Wilson will scrape them." "Let me go in again, sir." "Let me go in again." " Don't be silly." "That's not allowed." " I could disguise myself as an alternative person." "He'll be out first ball." "I know it." "He hit it!" "Run!" "Foolish!" "He should've taken the single and left it to Wilson." "It's gonna be a six!" "That's it." " Well done, Godfrey." " Well done." " Are you all right?" " I knew you'd do it." "I had complete confidence!" " Well done, Godfrey." "You've saved the day." " I should never have declared." " Ah, but you did." " You wait for the football season, mate!" "We're ready for any challenge, whether it comes from you or across the Channel." "Isn't that so?" "(ALL) Right!" " Three cheers for the losers." "Hip-hip..." " (ALL) Hooray!" " Hip-hip..." " Hooray!" " Hip-hip..." " Hooray!" " And one for Godfrey and Wilson." "Hip-hip..." " Hooray!" "(AIR-RAID SIREN)" "Here they come again." "Right, men, get to your posts as quickly as you can!" "At the double!" "# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think we're on the run?" "# We are the boys who will stop your little game" "# We are the boys who will make you think again" "# 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think old England's done?" "# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun" "# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think old England's done?" "#" "(MUFFLED ) Good morning, Mr Mainwaring." "Good morning, Pike." "Any letters?" "Only two, sir, and they're both marked "Delayed by enemy action"." "Good gracious me!" "We haven't had any letters from Head Office for two and a half weeks!" "Goodness knows how many documents have been lost!" " Shall I set up the Lewis gun, sir?" " No, that's Wilson's job." " Where is he?" "It's quarter past nine." " He's not usually late." " I wonder what's happened." " Perhaps he's been captured." "What?" "A Nazi paratrooper may have landed and captured him on the way to work." "Don't be ridiculous." "I'd better do it myself." "(PHONE RINGS)" " See who that is on the phone." " Yes, sir." "Hello." "Swallow Bank." "No, I'm not the manager." "Hang on, please." "It's for you, Mr Mainwaring." "Long-distance, Head Office." " All right." "You see to the gun, will you?" " Yes, sir." " Hello?" "Good morning, sir." " Mainwaring?" "West here, Head Office." "Oh, yes..." "Stop fiddling with that gun, will you?" "Stop fiddling with it." " Mainwaring, are you there?" " Hello, sir." "Yes, here." "I'm afraid some of our letters may have been destroyed by enemy action." "Put that gun down." "Put that gun down, I say!" " What's happening?" "What's happening?" " Nothing, sir." "Why?" " I thought the bank was being robbed." " No, everything's under complete control." "I won't waste time, Mainwaring." "This call is expensive." "I shan't be able to send anyone to replace Wilson for several weeks, so you'll have to manage the best you can." "What?" "I shan't be able to send anyone to replace Wilson for several weeks." " Why?" "Where's he going?" " What do you mean, where's he going?" "You know where he's going." "He's taking over as manager at our Eastgate branch." " He's what?" " Well, I wrote to you about it last month." " Well, I never got the letter." " It must have been destroyed in an air raid." "You'll just have to manage the best you can." "There's a war on." "I'll keep in touch." "Goodbye." " Are you all right, Mr Mainwaring?" " Wilson's to be manager of the Eastgate branch." "Oh, I know that." "Yes, Mum's ever so pleased." "(PHONE RINGS)" " Hello?" "Mainwaring here." " Pritchard here, adjutant, HQ." "Yeah, good morning, sir." "Sergeant Wilson's commission has come through." "Commission?" "Captain Square wants him to take over the Eastgate Platoon as soon as possible." " The Eastgate Platoon?" " I expect you'll miss him." "Have you decided who you're going to promote in his place?" " (MUMBLES)" " Let me know as soon as you can." "Sergeant Wilson deserves his promotion." "He's a good chap." "Congratulate him for me, will you?" "Cheerio." "Oh!" "(PHONE RINGS)" " Yes?" "Mainwaring here." " Good morning, Mr Mainwaring, Vicar here." "Are you going to tell me that Wilson's been made Archbishop of Canterbury?" "Really, Mr Mainwaring!" " Sorry, Vicar." "I'm not quite myself this morning." " Oh, dear, aren't you?" "I'm afraid I've got a confession to make." "When I say "confession", I don't mean that sort of confession." "That's mostly for the RCs." "Idiot." "What I'm trying to say is that the whist drive that is supposed to take place in the church hall on Tuesday next is tonight." " Really?" " So would you mind cancelling your parade?" "Otherwise I'm going to look a bit of a fool." " All right, Vicar." " Oh, how sweet of you!" "Thank you very much." "Goodbye." "Pike!" "You do look red." "Shall I open the other window?" "No, I've just had a bit of a shock." "I've had several shocks this morning." " I've never seen you look like this." " Never mind that." "Go and tell every member of the platoon that the parade is off tonight." " Yes, sir." " Get these orders typed out and duplicated." "Take a copy to each member of the platoon." " (WILSON) Good morning!" " Go and get on with your work." " Good morning, Frank." " Good morning, Uncle Arth..." "Mr Wilson." "Good morning, sir." "What time do you call this?" "Actually, sir, it's twenty to ten." " Where have you been?" " I've been doing a little shopping." "I bought this." "Do you like it?" "It's for...officers only, of course." "And I bought some of these as well." "I don't know which I like best, the cloth ones or brass ones." "But you're not supposed to wear brass ones with the battle dress." "Judas!" " I beg your pardon?" " Judas!" "I'm sorry, but I don't quite follow you." "Wilson, you've been following me for years, waiting to step into my shoes!" " I don't want to step into your shoes." " You never told me about the Eastgate job." " Surely Head Office wrote to you?" " The letters got destroyed." " That's not my fault." " What about this commission?" "Captain Square probably overstepped the mark, but he's very keen to have me." "In fact, he said he was most impressed with what I'd done with the platoon." "With what YOU'D done with the platoon?" "Yes, he's had his eye on me for some time now." "Just because you went to a tuppenny-ha'penny public school!" " I wouldn't call Meadowbridge that." " Meadowbridge!" "You know where I went, don't you?" "Eastbourne Grammar!" " What's wrong with that?" " Don't be so patronising!" "I had to fight like hell to get there!" " That's all to your credit." " You've never fought for anything in your life." "Brought up by a nanny, father something in the City." "You sit back and let everything come to you." "Well, it wasn't quite as simple as all that." "I've been manager here for ten years." "I ought to have gone on to better things years ago." "Every time I went for a promotion, it was, "What school did you go to?"" " As soon as I told them, that was that!" " I'm sure it didn't influence them." "Oh, no, I'm sure it wouldn't influence you." "All they've got to do is ask you and you'd say, "I was at Meadowbridge." "Small, but rather good."" "There were over 300 boys there." "Not only have I made a success of this branch, but I've taken a lot of shopkeepers up by the bootlaces and turned them into a crack platoon!" " Well, I helped a bit." " Did you?" "I'll show you how I value your help, both as a platoon sergeant and a chief clerk!" "Get me 252, will you?" "When I sat at this desk this morning and saw the web of intrigue that was unfolding before my eyes, I-I couldn't believe it." "I've never..." "Hello, Jones." "Get round to the bank as soon as you can." "Pike!" "Come in here." "Now, until you're relieved by Head Office, you will assume the duties of chief clerk." "Pardon?" "I said you're chief clerk as from today." " Do you think I've got the brains for it?" " I'm jolly sure if Wilson has, you have!" "I don't talk posh like Uncle..." "Mr Wilson." " Never judge a book by its cover, Pike." " (KNOCK AT DOOR)" " Come in." " Mr Mainwaring, Mr Wilson, Pikey..." "I can't stop long, you know." "The offal's just arrived." "I've got a queue a mile long and Raymond's looking after the shop." " This won't take a minute." "Get to work, Pike." " Yes, sir." "Now, just a minute, Jones." "Listen very carefully to what I'm going to say." "Lance Corporal Jones, I hereby promote you to sergeant." " What do you think of that?" " Do you think that's wise, sir?" "That's the last time you'll look down your nose at me and say, "Do you think that's wise, sir?"" "Well, what do you think of that, Jones?" "Jones?" "Agh!" "Oh, Mr Mainwaring, I don't know what to say." "This is quite extraordinary." "Promoted to sergeant?" "I never believed this'd come true, and now to think that after all these years" "I'll be able to stand in front of those brave boys with three stripes on every arm." "Not just one, not two, but...but three." "You see the sort of man I'm promoting?" "Brave, true, loyal to the last!" "(BLOWS NOSE)" "Mr Mainwaring, what about Mr Wilson?" "We can't have two sergeants." "Mr Wilson is leaving us." "He is going to higher things." "He's been promoted to Second Lieutenant..." "in Eastgate Platoon." "Oh..." "Oh, dear, I..." "Oh..." "Oh, that's marvellous." "I shall miss you, Mr Wilson." "Nobody deserves promotion more than you do." "And I shall try and live up to the high ideals and to the standards of loyalty that you put up us." "(MUTTERS)" " Thank you very much, Jonesy." " Just one thing." "Could you put the promotion down officially?" "Write it down in writing, if you wouldn't mind, sir?" "So I can have something solid to show people in the future." " Yes, certainly." " Thank you, sir." " "This is to confirm..."" " Confirm..." " "..that you have been promoted..."" " Promoted..." ""..to the rank of Sergeant of the First Platoon of the Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard."" "Home Guard." "I'll have this typed out and I'll put your name at the top." " Thank you very much." "I'll get back to the shop." " Jonesy, I'll show you out." "No need to do that." "Thank you, Mr Mainwaring." "Thank you, Mr Wilson." "I'll get back to the shop." "Yes, you do that." "You get back to the shop." " I'll go back to the shop." " Yes, you go back to the shop." "Mr Mainwaring, Miss King says can you come at once?" "She's got a query of a customer." "Yes, all right." " Pike..." " Yes, sir?" "Type those orders out and duplicate them." "And see that every member of the platoon gets a copy." " Tell them the parade is off for tonight." " Yes, sir." ""This is to confirm that you've been promoted to the rank of Sergeant of the First Platoon..."" "Why has he promoted everybody else to sergeant and not me?" "Oh, well, at least I am chief clerk!" "# Waltzing high in the clouds" "# Drifting, dreaming, far from the crowds... #" "I do wish Mr Mainwaring wouldn't keep using my drawers!" " (KNOCK AT DOOR)" " Come in." " Isn't Mr Mainwaring in?" " He hasn't arrived yet." " (STARTS SOBBING)" " Oh, Mrs Pike, whatever is the matter?" "It's nothing, but I did want to see Mr Mainwaring." "Mrs Pike, please tell me what this is all about." " It's Arthur." "He's deceived me." " I beg your pardon?" "He's been made manager of the bank at Eastgate." "I thought he'd be going over there every day on the train, but he's joined the Eastgate Platoon." "He's been made an officer and he's gonna live over there!" "I shall never see him again!" "Of course you'll see him again." "Eastgate's only ten miles away." "It might just as well be 100 miles away!" "Now, don't you worry, Mrs Pike." "After a while, he'll come back to you and he'll say," ""All these weeks I've longed for the moment when I could take you in my arms" ""and tell you how much I've missed you!"" " (CLEARS THROAT)" " What is it, Verger?" "Well, I, erm..." "I, erm..." "Oh, I'm sorry, Vicar." " What are you sorry about?" " Well, I, er..." "Tell me what it is you want." "This is personal." " Yes, I can see that." " Just state your business." "It's the harmonium in the bell tower." "I can't push it on my own." "I only want it moved away from the wall where the damp patch is." "I still can't manage it on my own." "Mr Mainwaring's men will be here soon." "Get them to help." "Very well, sir." "Oh!" "I never thought I should live to see the day when His Reverence would become a victim of wartime immorality." "Now, don't you worry, Mrs Pike." "I'm sure everything will turn out all right in the end." " Good evening." " Can't you do something about Arthur?" "I'm afraid it's out of my hands now, Mrs Pike." "I don't know what's come over him." "Ambition's turned his head!" "# Oh, I'm the sergeant, the bully, bully sergeant" "# Come with me, you soon shall see that a soldier's life is fine... #" "(MOUTHS WORDS)" " Sergeant Jones!" " Coming, sir!" "Oh, pity." "Yes!" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Platoon..." "Platoon, atten...'shun!" "As you were!" "Very sloppy, very sloppy indeed." "Now, listen to me." "There's gonna be a few changes around here, you understand?" "I'm in charge now and you can have it the easy way or you can have it the HARD way!" "The easy way's not very easy and the HARD way is very, very HAR-R-RD!" "Now, let's have a look at ye." "Nyyyah!" "Stand up straight, Pike!" "You're as peely-wally as a rotten banana!" "Ah, Godfrey, you'll have to pull your socks up, will you no', or you'll be out on your ear!" "I'm not carrying any passengers in my platoon!" "A-ha." "I'm watching you, Walker." "Just put one foot wrong and I'll have ye!" "Do you get me?" "Last warning, Jones!" "Unless your drill improves, I'll take that stripe away." "Now...buck up your ideas, all of ye!" "And remember, my name's Sergeant Frazer!" "Frazer spelt B-A-S-T-A-R-D!" " That's not really how you spell it, is it?" " Eh?" "The vicar says you've got to help with the harmonium." " Me help with a harmonium?" " It's got to be shifted." "Or perhaps you'd like me to tell the others what you've just been saying." " All right." "Where is it?" " In the bell tower." "Come on." "You'd better take your jacket off as well." "It's hot work shifting that harmonium." "Platoon, atten...'shun!" "Right, now that I've been made up to sergeant," "I don't want you lot to worry about me being too regimental." "Now, for instance, when I call the roll, if there's someone who's not here and he's a regular customer of mine and he spends, say, two pounds or more a week, I'll mark him here, present." "On the other hand...if I find someone's not cleaned his brasses, I'll overlook it, providing he buys the metal polish off me to clean it." "Excuse me, Mr Walker, excuse me!" "Could you give me a hand to shift the harmonium?" "I don't know, not now I've been made a sergeant." "I don't think I ought to do that sort of thing." " Did you know I was made a sergeant?" " Very nice." "Won't take a minute." "Yeah, all right." "Hello." "I'd better take this jacket off." "Don't want to get my nice new stripes dirty." "It's dusty up in that bell tower." "I really can't understand why Captain Mainwaring promoted me to be sergeant." "I'm not sure I can carry out the duties, but I shall do my best." "I'm sure you will, Mr Godfrey." "Excuse me." "I'm just going to wash my hands." " Hello, Pikey." "Have you seen Mr Godfrey?" " He's in there." " Has he got his first-aid kit?" " Yes." "Why?" "I cut my finger on my rifle bolt." "I wanted to put a bandage on it." "Right, that was a good job well done, Taffy." "I'm not here to shift furniture, especially now that I'm a..." "Hud on, hud on!" "Blimey!" " It must be a mistake." " Of course it is." "You can't have two sergeants!" "I'm going to see Mr Mainwaring." "There must be some mis..." "God!" "Very good, Captain Mainwaring." "I shall do as you say." "Now then, platoon..." "Platoo-oon..." "Blimey!" "I really think you ought to speak to Mr Wilson." "I'm having nothing more to do with it, Vicar." "I wash my hands of the entire affair." "Captain Mainwaring, I've fallen the private in." "What shall I do with the sergeants?" " (KNOCK AT DOOR)" " Come in." "Ah!" "Well, I'm just off, sir." "I thought I'd get the 9.30 to Eastgate." "Why are you going now?" "It's only Wednesday." "You don't take up your position until Monday." "They've been having a lot of difficulty over there." "The manager's been called up and Mr West from Head Office will stay on in Eastgate in order to show me the ropes." "Mr West of Head Office, eh?" "We ARE honoured." "Why are you travelling in uniform?" "I don't know." "It's just sort of handy, you know." "Rubbish!" "It's so you can parade along the platform looking for salutes!" " Why not?" "You did." " How do you mean?" "The day you got your new uniform, I followed you." " You followed me?" " Yes, I did." "I watched you go up and down the high street looking for a serviceman to salute you." " You had to make do with a Sea Scout." " That's enough!" " Say what you have to say and go." " Would you like to come and see me off?" "Certainly not." "Our relationship ends here and now." "Really, sir, after all we've been through together?" "Can't we let bygones be bygones?" "Don't try to soft-soap me." "Well, goodbye." "Goodbye, sir." "And if I did look for salutes, at least I did them properly." "That salute you gave me was rotten!" " You've done very well these last three days." " Thank you very much, sir." "We had thought of promoting you to manager several times." " Really?" " If it wasn't for Mainwaring," " you'd have had your branch ages ago." " What did he say?" "He said that you didn't show enough initiative." "Oh." "Oh, did he?" "You've proved him wrong and I think you'll make an excellent manager." " Thank you, sir." " It's nearly one o'clock." "I must close the bank and get back to London." "You're busy with the Home Guard?" " That's right." " Here are the keys." "Thank you." "From Monday morning, Wilson, you will be sitting in that chair." "At nine o'clock, you will enter this office and take your place at that desk as manager." "How do you feel about it?" "Well...aw...awfully nice." " Good luck, Wilson." " Thank you, sir." "Thank you very much indeed." "# Waltzing, waltzing high in the clouds" "# Drifting, dreaming, far from the crowds... #" "(WILSON) Good morning." "Good morning." "What a lovely day!" "Good morning!" "See you in a moment or two." " (KNOCK AT DOOR)" " Come in." " Good morning, sir." " Good morning, Mr Boyle." "I have several important items for you to deal with." "All in good time, Mr Boyle." "I'd rather like to have a word with the staff first." " Oh." "Very well, sir." " Right." "Mr Wilson would like a word with you." "Will you all come into the office, please?" "I thought it might be a nice idea if we were to have a chat, so that we get to know each other." " Yes, of course, sir." " Right, come along, then." "Quick as you can." "That's it." "Right, now, are we all here?" "Well, now, ladies and gentlemen, before we start work today," "I thought it might be nice to meet you and have a word together." "Now, I would like you to understand that I like to work in a nice, quiet, relaxed kind of atmosphere." "Do you understand?" "Now, if you have any worries, I don't want you to be upset at all." "Just come along to my office, tap on the door and as long as you see the name "A Wilson" " Manager"," "I want it to give you a feeling of security and confidence to just tap on the door, come in and I shall be here to look after you." " (AIR-RAID SIREN)" " There are one or two..." "There are the sirens." "We'd better go down to the shelter." "Yes, I suppose we had." "Don't panic, don't panic." "It's perfectly all right." "We can do those papers in the shelter, can't we, Mr Boyle?" "Come along, my dear." "What a very pretty blouse you're wearing." "Where did you get that?" "I hope Uncle Arthur's all right." "He'll be all right." "The devil looks after his own." "After all, they haven't had one single bomb on Eastgate yet." " This is very upsetting, sir." " The bank was completely gutted." " How are you going to carry on?" " We're not." "We're going to close the Eastgate branch and put all the business over to Hastings." "Must be the shortest appointment in history." "Well, how do you mean?" "At nine o'clock, the poor chap was manager of a bank and at five past, he had no bank to manage." " How's he taking it?" " You can never tell with Wilson." "He's not the sort of chap to show much emotion." "Yes." "Well, we must all carry on doing our bit, Mainwaring." "Yes." "Yes, certainly we must, sir." "Bye." "Hello, Wilson." "Come in." "I've just had Head Office on the phone." "They're very sorry." "Ah." "And may I say how very sorry I am, too?" "It's most unfortunate." "Yes, it is." "Most unfortunate." "No, don't sit down." "I'm rather busy." "I've had a word with GHQ and they're quite agreeable for you to keep your rank." " Oh, good, good." " Yeah." "Get them sewn on by tonight." "That's all." "# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think we're on the run?" "# We are the boys who will stop your little game" "# We are the boys who will make you think again" "# 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think old England's done?" "# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21" "# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun" "# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think old England's done?" "#" "Now, there's no doubt about it that in modern warfare, communications are vital." "So I have sent a strong letter to the War Office demanding that we should have wireless sets." "And the strong letter demanding Bren guns, sir?" "We're not discussing guns now, Wilson." "Now, in the event of the wireless sets not arriving before Adolf kicks off," "I intend to capture some from his first wave." "Sir, I volunteer to be in charge of the Nazi wireless set capturing party." "I'd enjoy that." "All right, we'll come to that later." "I suggest that we use bayonets, so we do not destroy the Nazi wireless machines with bullets." "Good suggestion." "I'll make a note of that." "Having obtained wireless sets, how do we send a message?" "They usually say, "Calling all cars!" "There's a stick-up at the corner of 93rd and Seventh!"" "I don't think that would help us very much, Pike." "There'll be plenty of stick-ups when Jonesy's loose with his bayonet." "Now, I have studied the correct procedure, so if you'll all pick up your wireless sets, I'll show you." "Incidentally, I'm very grateful to everybody who supplied these cocoa tins and treacle tins." "I see some had old English humbugs in." "I lost a stopping out of a tooth with a humbug." "Toffees are worse." "I broke my upper set with a toffee." " I once choked on a gobstopper." " That's right, Frank." "I'd forgotten." "Uncle banged me on the back." "Mum hit him for banging me too hard." "All right, don't let's go into all of this." "Marshmallows." " I beg your pardon?" " Marshmallows." "They're kinder on the teeth." "Good." "Now..." "As you no doubt remember from your childhood, if you speak into the tin at one end you will hear the voice at the other, provided, most importantly, that you keep the string absolutely tight." "Turkish delight was nice and soft." "Frazer, Frazer!" "What have I just said?" "(JONES) We've got to be tight." "(MAINWARING) I'm asking Frazer." "I'm sorry, sir." "My mind was wandering." "With a wireless set, you cannot speak and hear at the same time." "So the correct procedure has to be adopted." "So if you'll just hang on there, I'll show you what the..." "Show you what the correct procedure is." " Here you are, sir." " Right, thank you, Jones." "Now, when we first switch the set on, we're in the listening position." "So everybody listen." " All right?" " I think I..." "Sorry, sir." "My communication cord's a bit short." "Everybody in a listening position, please." " I think I can hear the sea." " He must have a pilchard tin." " Wilson, put that to your ear, will you?" " Sorry, there's a humbug stuck to the bottom." " I'd like to have it." " Hoick it out with this." " Leave it where it is for the time being." " All right." "Sorry, sir." "We'll do it later." "Now, I put the microphone to my mouth and I speak into it thus." "(MUFFLED )" " Was that quite clear to everybody?" " Speaking for masel', I never heard a word." "I heard your voice, sir." "It was terribly good." "I said, "Hello, all stations." "Charlie One." "Hello, all stations." "Charlie One." ""Report my signals." "Charlie One." "Over."" "What's Charlie One?" "Charlie One is Sergeant Wilson's call sign." " Well, how do we know who's who?" " It's simple." "I'm saying hello to all of you." "Wilson is Charlie One, Frazer's Charlie Two, you're Charlie Three." "But if you're speaking to me, why don't you say, "Hello, Charlie Two"?" "Because you'd say that. "Hello." "Charlie Two."" " I say hello to me?" " No, to me." " Why don't I say, "Hello, Charlie One"?" " Well, because...that's not the way it's done." "Excuse me." "Are we all Charlie Ones, too?" "That doesn't matter." "All this side is Headquarters and we all say, "Hello, all stations." "Charlie One."" "Just a moment, sir." "My name really is Charlie." "Does that make any difference?" "No, none at all." "Right, come along." "All together, now." "(ALL MUFFLED )" "Yes, that wasn't really very good, was it?" "Why can't we use Boy Scouts, sir?" "They can run fast and nip through little holes in the hedges, sir." "Boy Scouts are good at that." " Shall we have another go?" " Yes, right." " Hello, Mr Yeatman." " Hello, Mr Hodges." " Sorry about your headquarters." " Yeah, blown to bits." " Did you suffer any personal loss?" " Only my spare trousers." " A blessing you wasn't in them." " A splinter went through the seat." " The good Lord was watching over you." " He was." "I was in the boozer." "He moves in a mysterious way, his wonders to perform." " Yes." "Is Napoleon in?" " Yes." "Don't let him worry you." "The vicar says you can use his office." "Yes, I've had a word with the town clerk." "You must have somewhere to do your air-raid precautions." "Otherwise, where will we all be?" " Thank you, Mr Yeatman." " I'm glad your lot are here." " It's been all tribulation with Mainwaring." " Has it?" "Right." " What's tribulation?" " Well, it's..." "Get off." " Right, we'll follow with you, Wilson." " Sir, before you go any further." "Do you know, if you pull these through, they make a noise like a chicken passing an egg?" "Do you know, sir?" "You listen, sir." "(RATTLING AND RASPING)" "Cluck-cluck-cluck-CLUCK!" "Cluck-cluck-cluck-CLUCK!" "Oh, heavens above..." " (RATTLING AND RASPING)" " All right, all right, all right!" "That's enough!" "Cor blimey!" "What are you teaching them?" "Cat's cradle?" " Come on, underneath this lot." " (ALL COMPLAIN)" " What do you think you're doing?" " We'd better have a talk." " I've no wish to speak to you." " You'll have to." "Take over, Wilson, will you?" "Won't take a minute." "Hold that, Jones." " Now, look here..." " No, YOU look here." "My HQ is out of action." "I have permission to use these premises." " On whose authority?" " See for yourself." "There you are." "Now, I'm a reasonable sort of man." "We've had our differences, but we are on the same side." "I want to be generous." "I don't want to..." "I don't want to, you know, be stand-offish." "I'm prepared to go shares with you." "I'll tell you what I'm going to do." "This half, with your chair, you can have." "This half here is me." "Right?" "Draw a line here like this." "Got it?" " Down the wall..." " Just a moment." "What are you doing?" "When it comes to the desk, you keep your stuff over there." "I'll keep my stuff over here." "Right?" " How dare you mark my desk?" " I'm only trying to be fair." " I shall rub this out at once." " Then I shall chalk in again." "I can chalk quicker than you can rub, mate." "There." "That'll be enough of that." "Now, you've probably noticed both the doors are in my half." "Now, I want to be fair." "I'm going to draw a chalk line on the floor, and another one like this here." " That's Tom Tiddler's ground." " Oh, nonsense." "You're standing on my bit." "Get off." "I have to insist on the telephone." "That has to be on my side." "Oh, no." "That is my artery of communication." "If Hitler invades, that is how I shall learn of it." "It's my artery every time a siren sounds." "If Hitler's coming, I'll take a message for you." "That stays there." "I'll give you five seconds to get out." " One, two, three, four, five." "I'm not going." " Oh?" "Oh?" "Right." "Wilson!" "Jones!" "Escort this person from my headquarters." " I'm staying." "This is MY headquarters." " Carry my orders out." "Would you mind awfully leaving the office?" "Look, I've got official permission." "There it is in black and white." "If you don't move out of here, you'll get this right up you and you will not like it." " Now, look here, Gandhi..." " What?" "!" "Look, you haven't heard the last of this." "I'm telling you." " Well done, Jones." " The old cold steel, they cannot countenance it." "Right, let's resume our lecture." " He's done it this time!" " What is it?" "You look like a soul in torment." "Fetch the vicar." "It's Mainwaring." "I have to sit down." "I'm having a funny turn." " You sit down." "I'll get His Reverence." " He threatened me with a bayonet." "A bayonet!" "He who liveth by the sword shall die by the sword." "And that goes for bayonets, and all." "Now, you're not going over when I say "over"." "So let's do it in turns." "All my file will say it first, then Wilson's file say it." "Right, one, two, three." "Over." "Over." " Over." " Over." " That's better." " I've got it, sir." "Can I do it on my own?" " We're not quite ready for that." " Oh, let me go solo, sir." " Oh, very well." " This should be good." "Hello, all stations." "Charlie One." "Hello, all stations." "Charlie One." "Report my signals, all stations." "Charlie One." "Over." "That was very good, Jones." "Excellent." "Quite correct." "Thank you very much, sir." "I bet they all thought I couldn't do that." " You did it beautiful." " Yes, I'm not such a fool as I may think I am." "All right, let's try it again." "Tighten your strings." "Right." "Now, keep the strings tight." "I have given Mr Hodges permission to use my office." "He's been molested." "Vicar, I'm busy." "I'll see you in my office in 20 minutes' time." "It is not your office." "It is MY office, and I have lent it to Mr Hodges." " What did I say?" "I told him." " You did." "You are interrupting vital training for the defence of the realm." "Go away." "I will not." "I want to get to my office." "Take your silly bits of string out of my way." " I will not." " I'll report you to the bishop and to the police." " Don't be so damn childish." " Don't profane His Reverence!" " Don't let's have any impertinence from you." " Oh, so that's the way it is!" "Follow me, Vicar." "Well, I think it's a cheek, Hodges using this as his ARP headquarters." "Mainwaring won't be pushed around." "He tried to cooperate, but Hodges is so dead common." " You're right there, Joe." "He is common." " I can't stand common people." "I don't think you're being fair." "Mr Hodges does a good job as ARP warden." "It's a dangerous job." "I don't say he don't do it well." "He does it uncouth." "If only Mr Mainwaring had put a curse on him." "A curse?" "How can he put a curse on anybody?" " I've seen it done." " When?" "Oh, nigh on 50 years ago, when I was trading coral in the South Seas with a friend of mine." "Was that the one that got eaten by a squid?" "No, son." "This was a different friend." "Jethro, his name was." "One day, we were anchored off a wee island about 20 miles west of Samoa." "Jethro told me that he'd heard that there was a ruined temple in the centre of the island, with a huge idol that had a ruby the size of a duck's egg set in its forehead." "He was determined to get it." "As soon as it was dark, we rowed ashore armed to the teeth and set off through the jungle to find the temple." "After about two hours hacking our way through the undergrowth, we came to a clearing." "And there was the temple, the ruined temple, covered with jungle creepers." "The place was deserted." "We crept inside and there it was." "A huge idol with a great ruby in its forehead." "As the shafts o' moonlight struck down through the holes in the roof, it burned like fire." "Jethro gave a cry of triumph, jumped up on the idol and hacked the ruby out of its forehead wi' his knife." "All this time, I could feel eyes... horrible, unseen eyes staring at us." "I could stand it no longer." "I shouted, "Let's get out!" And we turned to go." "And then we saw it." "Barring our way in the doorway was the witch doctor." "He gave a scream that turned my blood tae ice." "He shook a bunch of bones in Jethro's face, and he cursed him!" "After all these years, I can..." "I can still hear that terrible curse." ""Death!" he screamed." ""Death!" ""The ruby will bring ye death!" ""Dea-ath!"" "Did the curse come true, Mr Frazer?" "Aye, son, it did." "He died..." "last year." "He was 86." "Right, on parade, all of you!" "Come on, do as the officer says!" "Fall in in three lines!" "Open order." "Take the mark from me." "Thank you, Corporal." "Now, I've had a word with area HQ, the civil defence people and the secretary of the council, who happens to be a fellow Rotarian." "I assure you, I gave them a piece of my mind." "These ARP people will be cleared out of here." " But not this week." " But not this..." "All right, I'll tell them." "In the meantime, we'll behave in a true Christian manner and, as far as possible, ignore them." "Left, right!" "Left, right!" "Right wheel!" "Left, right!" "Left, right!" "Left, right!" "Right wheel!" "Mark...time!" "Halt!" "Left turn!" "Very smart." "Right dress!" "Home Guard, left dress!" "All right, that's enough of that, Mainwaring." " You started it." " Stay in your own half." " I've got twice as many troops as you." " Call these troops?" "The Bath chair fusiliers." "(ALL COMPLAIN)" " Would you like a bunch of fives up the hooter?" " He's already had one." " That's brave, innit?" "Ten to one." " This town's not big enough for both of us." "Don't start anything!" "How dare you push me?" " (SIREN)" " Hello, they're here." " Saved by the bell." " I'll sort you out later." "To your posts!" " To your duties, men." " Mrs Cole, telephone." "Miss Robertson, map." "Make up your defence points at the Marigold Tearooms." "Patrol from there to Timothy White's." "Get the fire going." "We might be here all night." "Jones, keep your section in reserve here." "And keep that over your side!" "Now, look, Hodges." "I'm doing my best to tolerate your presence, but you're being insufferable." "You'll never get it alight like that." "The wood's damp." "You want a firelighter." " I haven't got any." " I can help you there." " That'll get it going." "Ninepence to you." " Oh, thanks." "Hey, Joe!" "Hold on, son." "That's trading with the enemy." "Yes, right." "Thank you very much." "Let me have a report in the morning." "Thank you." "Right..." "Oi!" "Cut that out." "Not during an alert." "I shall be receiving a stream of reports on that." "And I shall be receiving my orders from the War Office." "(PHONE RINGS)" "Walmington ARP." "Number One Platoon, Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard!" "Yes." "It is for you, Captain Mainwaring." "Of course." "Good evening, sir." "Captain Mainwaring here." "Oh." "Hello, Elizabeth." "You can pack that in, chats with your bits of stuff." " This happens to be my good lady." " Tell her to cut it short." "No, no, no, I've..." "What?" "Of course I can't come home." "Not just now." "If you're frightened, why don't you sit in the cupboard under the stairs, as usual?" "A bomb is far more dangerous than a mouse." "Look, careless talk costs lives." " There you are." "Try another one." " I expect some sparrow's laid a nest up there." "They do a lot of that, laying nests, in the top of the chimney." "We can have some roast sparrow." "Very tasty, very sweet." " Ah, that's better." " Blimey!" "Here, what are those made of, Joe?" "They're mostly made from incendiary bombs." "What?" "That stove is not to be ignited without the consent of the vicar." " What?" "It's only a fire." " He'll be told." "There'll be a rumpus." "Who lit it?" " The wardens." " The wardens?" "Did they?" "Cheers the place up, a nice fire, doesn't it?" "Yes, well, perhaps if you made a big noise, the mouse would jump down the hole." "Look, leave the mouse where it is and YOU jump down the hole." " How dare you?" "!" " That wasn't very kind." "You keep out of this, dear." "I haven't received a single report yet." " (RINGS)" " Hello." "Yes, yes." "Righto, Mr Yeldon." "Thank you very much." "Mr Yeldon." "They're standing by in Khyber Road." " (RINGS)" " Hello." "Yes." "Chimney on fire?" "Right, give me the details, will you?" " Yes, fine." "Get this down, Mrs Cole." " Yes." "There's..." "That's the end, dear." "Look, we can't have vital communications blocked by this trivia." "There's nothing trivial about a chimney on fire." "An enemy bomber could see it miles away." "Where is it?" "Right." "A large building next to St Aldhelm's Church, Mortimer Road." "Ready." " A large building next to St..." " A large...?" " Large..." "A large building." " Large..." "Building, yes." "Next to St Aldhelm's..." "Worse than your lot, she is." "Mortimer Road." " Road?" " Road." "R-O-A-D." "Right." "Get on to the fire brigade." " Now what are you up to?" " Please, Vicar, we're busy." " Do you realise you've set the chimney on fire?" " The stove has become a raging fiery furnace!" "Fiery furnace?" "Just a minute." "This is a large building next to St Aldhelm's Church." "Cor blimey!" "Get out of the way!" " He lit it." " His firelighters did it." "Normally they don't burn." " Wilson?" " It happened in the nursery." "Nanny used salt." "Blimey, it's a fire, not a pigeon." "Sir, I have the fire brigade now." "Shall I ask them to pop round?" "Certainly not." "Make us a laughing stock?" "Gerald, you and I, up the tower." " With the pumps?" " Yes." "Excuse me, Mr Mainwaring." "Do you have the key of the cupboard?" "I can bring bandages." "Bog peat, Mr Mainwaring!" "One barrel of bog peat would put that fire out." " Be sensible." " I've seen it." "Mr Mainwaring!" "Mr Mainwaring!" "Captain Mainwaring!" "Captain Mainwaring!" " What is it, Jones?" " The chimney's on fire." " I know that!" " Yes, well, if you lean out, sir, you can see." "It's like a Roman candle, all the sparks." "You've got to be careful, sir, because there's a 40-foot drop down here, you know..." "Agh!" "Oh, thank you, Mr Mainwaring." "You saved my life." "I won't forget that, Mr Mainwaring." " Oh, get out of the way." "Pike, give me a lift up." " Yes, sir." " Get inside, Jones." " I can't, Mr Mainwaring." "I'm sitting on the window catch and it's made of cold steel, and every time I move it goes in a funny position and I don't like it, Mr Mainwaring." "Now, look." "There's a ledge out here." "I'm going to inch along it and see if I can get to the roof." "What's going on?" "Get out of the way!" "This is an ARP matter." "Come on, off there." " I'm in an embarrassing position." " What?" " His trousers are hooked." " Get your trousers off." " Not in front of His Reverence." " Come on, get your trousers off!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Get out of it!" " What's going on here?" "Leave him alone." " They're trying to take my trousers off." "Don't be neurotic, Jones." " Wilson!" " Yes, sir." "There's a gap between the tower and the roof." "Hand me a plank." "I'll put it across." " I haven't got a plank." "Why should I have one?" " Here's a ladder." "What about that?" "Well done." "Well done, Walker." "Shove it out." " Oh!" " What's the matter?" "I have relieved myself, sir." "It's quite all right." " He's not very nice, is he?" " Hang on." "I can't do it that way." "Hang on." " Get it off the banisters." "Right." " Here we go." " No!" "Let me in!" " Back inside." "Oh, thank you, Mr Mainwaring." "Thank you." "You saved my life." "I won't forget that." " Grab the ladder." " Get it on the edge of the sill." "Hurry up!" "A German bomber will see that chimney on fire for miles." "All right." "Careful, careful, careful." "Jones!" "Get up!" "Oh, thank you, Mr Mainwaring." "You saved my life again." "Come on, now." "Round the corner." " Mind that crumbling bit on the corner." " Right, sir." "Right, sir." "There we are." "Blimey, I don't like this." "I get verdigris terrible." "Where are you going with that bucket of sand?" "I've been polishing that hall for 30 years, sir." "I can't see it go up like a bundle of kindling." "Right, I think it's firm enough now." "Right, sir." "I will test it." "I'll test the ladder." " Hurry up, you old fool." "Don't talk so much." " Righto." "All right so far." "Jones, when you get on the other side, edge your way along the roof." " See if you can reach..." " Right, sir." "See if you can reach the chimney from there." "Pike, Walker." "Get down on the catwalk and see if you can work your pump from there." "Go across?" " They need water." " There are buckets down in the hall." " Come on, Godfrey." "Aren't you coming?" " No, I'm going to pass it through." "Come on, grandad!" "Hurry up!" "Come on, Verger." "Mr Mainwaring!" "Mr Mainwaring!" "If I had a..." "If I had a bucket of water, I could throw it down the chimney." "Pass water." "Pass the word back for water." " Hurry up, hurry up!" " There you are." " More." " Oh, Lord!" " Water coming!" " Water coming!" " Water coming!" " Water coming!" "Water coming..." "Oh!" "Missed!" "More water!" "More water!" "(VERGER) I've still got a bucket of sand here." "(WARDEN) Well, go and..." "Water coming!" "Missed!" "More water!" " Blimey!" "How much more?" "Are you ready, Joe?" " Yeah, almost." "You're not having this one." "I'm gonna do it." "More water!" "Start pumping, Joe!" "(JONES) More water!" "More water!" "Get more water!" " More water!" " Get more water..." "Agh!" "You saved my life!" "You remind me of Mr Mainwaring." "More water!" "Come along!" "More water!" "Come along." " All right, quick as we can." " More water!" " It's your church." "Get it yourself." " I agree." "Go on, Godfrey." "Get some more water." "Mr Mainwaring!" "Mr Mainwaring!" "If I slide down the roof, I can get next to the chimney." "I'll draw myself up to my full height and I will pour the water down the chimney." " Don't talk so much and get on with it!" " Very good, sir." "Right away, sir." "It hot!" "It's hot in a funny place, sir!" "I can't, sir." "I'm on fire!" "I'm on fire!" "Don't worry, Mr Jones." "I'll put you out." "Start pumping, Joe!" " Mr Mainwaring!" " What?" "I think they've put me out." " The fire's gone out." " How did that happen?" "When I went down the last time, I put some salt on it." "Well done, my men!" "Get back to the tower." "Careful how you go." "You be careful, Mr Mainwaring." "This ladder's poised on the edge of the..." "It's smashed to smithereens, sir." "You'll have to stay up there for a wee while." " Wilson!" " Yes?" " Go to the builder's yard and get a ladder." " That'll take half an hour." "Get the fire brigade." " Not likely." " You're dry." "I'm soaking wet." "That's your fault for chucking water about." " You wouldn't say that if you was wet!" " Oh, yes, I would." "(THUNDER)" "Now's your chance to try, innit?" " Wilson!" " What is it now?" "Perhaps if the fire brigade aren't doing anything else, they wouldn't mind popping round." "# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think we're on the run?" "# We are the boys who will stop your little game" "# We are the boys who will make you think again" "# 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think old England's done?" "# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21" "# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun" "# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think old England's done?" "#" "Ah." "Captain Mainwaring and the Walmington-on-Sea Platoon are a bit late." "They're using their own transport, sir." "It's a butcher's van." "They made it into an armoured car." " Very ingenious, these Home Guards." " Yes, sir." "They're very keen as well." " A bit too keen if you ask me." " You all right, sir?" "Oh, it's this damn twitch I've developed." "I've been running this school of explosives for over a year now." "Only when we got Home Guards for weekend courses did I get a confounded twitch!" " You could do with a spot of leave, sir." " They've no idea of the danger." "They're mad keen, charging all over the place." "One of these days, they'll blow themselves sky-high!" "I just know it!" "Never mind, sir." "This is the last of them." "The sooner we get them through the course the better." "Then you can sleep easy, sir." "All I can say is roll on tomorrow night!" " Hello." " (HORN BEEPS)" "(MAINWARING BARKS ORDERS)" "This lot sounds even more keen than the others, sir." "Oh, Lord!" "All right, Sergeant Major." "Look after them." " Right, then." "Bring them all in." " Thank you, Sergeant Major." "Captain Mainwaring, Walmington-on-Sea, reporting for duty, sir." " Sergeant Wilson, Lance Corporal Jones." " Sir!" "We can't wait to get training." " We haven't handled any live grenades before." " Haven't you?" " I can't wait to get my hands on them." " Neither can I, Captain Mainwaring." "I don't know which I like best - the bayonet or the bomb." "I'm fond of them both, of course." "I like Mills bombs best." "I've always wanted to meet that Mr Mills." "He must have been very clever." "In 1916 when I was in France, I used to lob those bombs over, one at a time." "Pin out, over, bang!" "Over...bang!" "They used to call me the Mad Bomber." "I'm not mad, really, you know, sir." "I'm as sane as you are." "Oh, really?" "If you'll excuse me, I've got rather a lot to do." "Make yourselves comfortable." "He's a bit historical, isn't he, sir?" "Yes." "Let's go and get our bedding." "I think Pike is bringing my stuff in, sir." "Look, we can't have anybody waiting on us in this platoon, Wilson." "This is a democratic unit." "We eat, sleep and fight together." "Rank doesn't come into it." "Here's your bedding, Uncle Arthur." "Pike, in future you will not wait on Sergeant Wilson." " We're all equal here." " Shall I take it out again?" "Frank, please, don't be absurd." "Over there." " Right." "Mum says don't walk on it in your boots." " All right!" "Here, we've got to sleep on the ground, have we?" "It's either that or stand up all night!" " It won't do my rheumatics much good." " Ach, don't be so peely-wally." "It'll make your back go straight." "At my age, it's already decided which way it wants to go." "(MAINWARING BARKS ORDERS)" " Uncle Arthur?" " What is it, Frank?" "Have you seen Mr Snuggly?" " Mr who?" " Mr Snuggly, my teddy." "No, I haven't." " Mum said she'd put him in." " Well, I haven't got him." " I can't get to sleep without him." " I haven't seen him." " Have a look in your bed." " All right." " Ah, yes." "Here he is." " Don't let anybody see him!" " I thought you wanted him." " If they see him, they might laugh." " Wrap him in the towel and hand him over." " All right." "What have you got there, Wilson?" "Er..." "Mr..." " Mr Snuggly." " What?" "!" "He's my...my bear." "My..." "My teddy bear." "I can't get off without him." "Extraordinary (!" ")" " Here." " Thank you, Uncle Arthur." " What are you doing, Jonesy?" " Making me bed." "You gonna grow strawberries in it?" "!" " Of course not!" " What you got that net on it for?" "For mosquitoes." "A mosquito net." "What?" "There's no mosquitoes here, you silly old duffer!" "But it goes with the bed, doesn't it?" "We've been together for 50 years." " # And it don't seem a day too much!" "#" " I was very glad of this net in the Sudan." "It doesn't just keep out mosquitoes." "It keeps out snakes an' all." "Snakes tried to get into bed with you?" "Yeah." "Snakes?" "It's cold out in the desert." "Them snakes used to come in and try to snuggle in beside you." "Urgh." "It's all right." "They're not cold and slimy." "They're all warm and soft." "There's one used to come round every night round my tent." "And round my net." "What did I call him?" "Charlie, I called him." "His little face used to look in through the net, a little pathetic look in his eyes as if to say, "I'm cold." "Let me come in."" "I never let him in, though." "I don't like that sort of thing, you know." " Everything all right?" " Yes, my chaps are settling in, thank you." " Good, good." "Where are you sleeping?" " Here." " You're not sleeping with the men, are you?" " Yes." "Oh, my dear fellow." "Can't have that." "Bad for discipline." " Oh." "Do you really think so?" " Definitely, old boy." "It's just not on." " We officers have got to stick together." " I usually muck in with my chaps." "My dear fellow, it's a mistake." "Where would it all end?" "You take a tip from me." "You rig up separate quarters for yourself and your sergeant." "Look here, I'll see you later." " All right." " Grub up!" "Come and get it!" " Let's get our tea!" "I'm famished!" " What is it, sir?" "What?" " Wait till they've all gone." " I thought I'd get some food, sir." " That'll wait till later." "This is important." " What is?" "I, uh..." "I think you and I had better sleep together." " Together?" " Away from the others." "I'm awfully sorry." "I don't quite follow you." "I've come to the conclusion that it's very bad for discipline to sleep with the ORs." " ORs?" " Other ranks." "But you said we were all going to eat, sleep and fight together." "Yes." "From now on, we'll just eat and fight together." "Give me a hand with this blanket." "# It's a hap-hap-happy day Toodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-ay" "# For you and me... #" " That was a wizard tea." " Aye, you're right." "It wisnae half bad." "You know, they're doing their very best to make us feel comfortable." " That seed cake was nice, wasn't it?" " The caraway seeds give me indigestion." " Then why did you bring that bit back?" " I'll eat it later after I pick the seeds out." "Silly old fool!" "Hello." "What's this?" ""Officers and sergeants only."" " Ohh (!" ")" " I wonder why Mr Mainwaring's done that." "It's obvious." "He's getting ideas above his station." "He really thinks he is an officer!" "So he is." "He deserves a little privacy." "Rubbish!" "Rubbish!" "We're a civilian army and he's only holding a wartime commission." " Jonesy, come on." " Boys, come and look at this." "Ha!" ""Officers and sergeants only"?" "!" "That's a bit strong, innit?" "Mr Mainwaring's not like that." "He usually mucks in with all of us." "So, chaps, did you have a nice tea?" "I think we'll be very comfortable here." "I'm going to play some gramophone records." "Any requests?" "What about "Don't Fence Me In"?" "I haven't got that one, Frazer." "'Ere, Sergeant, why's Mr Mainwaring gone all toffee-nosed?" "Well, I think he...got the impression that it was bad for discipline for us to sleep with the "ors"." "Well, the...other ranks." " Oh, other ranks, yeah." " ORs." " (MAINWARING) Sergeant Wilson!" " Yes?" "Come in here, will you?" "I want you to wind the gramophone." "Go away, boy." "Right, sir." " What's the matter with Frazer?" " Nothing as far as I know, sir." "His manner's very offhand and downright rude." "And he's upsetting the others." "What makes you say that?" "I detected a distinct change in the atmosphere." "The men were surly and sullen." " I'm very sensitive about these things." " Perhaps you upset them." "Don't be absurd." "I've hardly spoken to them." "No, no." "Frazer." " You don't think he's a Communist?" " What on earth makes you say that, sir?" "Well..." "He has the look of a Communist about him to me." "I've noticed that when we're on night duty, he never plays Monopoly with the rest of the men." " Oh, really, sir." " It's all very well to laugh." "Pay attention." "You're all off duty until lights out at 2200 hours." "There's a free issue of two pints of beer each in the canteen." "We're not giving you any more because Captain Reed wants you to have a steady hand when you throw those bombs!" "Well, Sergeant Major, you can tell Captain Reed not to worry." "We shall be there, ready and steady." "That should cheer him up no end (!" ")" "What did the Sergeant Major want?" "He says there's two free pints of beer for everyone in the canteen." "Oh, splendid." "We'll have a convivial evening." "There you are." "How about coming to the mess for a drink?" " What mess?" " The officers' mess." " We could have a chota peg or two." " We were just all off to the NAAFI." "Oh, my hat." "Come here." "There's no harm in having the odd drink with the men, but don't overdo it." " Oh, no, only a couple of pints." " All the other officers will be in the mess." "If you don't turn up, they'll think you're a bit...odd." " Will they really?" "I wouldn't want that." " Of course not." " Hang on a minute." "I'll get my cap." " Good fellow." " I say, Wilson..." " Yes?" "Awful bore, but..." "I've got to go and have a drink in the officers' mess." " Oh, what a shame!" " Yes." " You won't be coming with us, then?" " No, I won't." "If I don't go, they'll..." "they'll think I'm a bit odd, you see." " You do understand, don't you?" " Of course I do, yes." " You don't want to look odd." " No, of course I don't." "I'd ask you to come with us, but...officers only, you know." " Well, see the chaps have a good time." " Yes." " Seen my cap anywhere?" " Er..." "Oh, thank you very much." "Stupid boy." "Well, have a good time, chaps." "And...don't do anything I wouldn't do." "Come on, Main-waring." "Come along." "And there it was - hanging out of the window as large as life!" "Hello, fellows!" "Hello, hello." "Now, let me introduce you all." "Main-waring, Walmington-on-Sea Platoon." "Pritchard, HQ." "And Ashley-Jones, Dimwich Platoon." "Take your belt off, old boy." "Now where are we?" "Same again, what?" "Three large whiskies." " What are you having, Main-waring?" " Sweet sherry, please." " Sweet sherry (!" ")" " Sorry, sir." "We've only got whisky." "Damn glad to have it, too!" "Make it four large whiskies." " I don't think I can manage a large whisky." " Don't tell me you don't drink." "Oh, I have a pint of beer after parade and the odd sherry." "A spot of whisky won't do you any harm." "Sit down, sit down." "It's so damn hard to get." "Drink it when you can, Main-waring." "Dash, there I go calling you Main-waring." "You call it Mainwaring, don't you?" "I knew a chap out in India, called himself Chumley, spelt his name Cholmondeley." "Absolute idiot." "We used to call him Chilli Mushrooms." "Chilli Mush...!" "How frightfully amusing!" "Terribly clever." "Chilli Mushrooms." "Thank you, thank you." "Well..." "Cheers, everybody." " So sorry." "Cheers." " Cheers." "(WILSON) Cheers." "(MEN) Cheers." " This is the end." " Eh?" "I said this is the end." "No, it isn't." "I've got another full bottle here." "As soon as I get back, I'm resigning." "You can't, Taffy." "Your country needs you (!" ")" "I'll be there when I'm needed, but I'm not serving under Mainwaring any more." " Uncle Arthur?" " What is it, Frank?" "Would you like to finish my beer?" "Well, no, thank you." "No." "I'm not really in a drinking mood, for some reason." "I don't think Captain Mainwaring is to blame." "I think Captain Square led him astray." "As an old member of the platoon, you ought to give him another chance." "Ach, you silly old fool." "There's no call for you to talk to Private Godfrey like that, Jock." " Well, he IS a silly old fool!" "Calling me old!" " Well, you ARE old!" " Not as old as you!" " I'm not as old as you are, you silly old fool!" "I'm not 60 yet." "Blimey!" "You told me you tried to relieve General Gordon in Khartoum!" "You must be over 90!" "I was a boy soldier." " Did they pin a medal on your napkin?" " Walker!" "Old Bungy rode his polo pony right through the mess!" "And the punka-wallah, who was asleep, went on pulling the punka with his foot!" "Oh, by Jove!" "What a night that was!" "Here you are, old boy." " No, no, no more for me, please." " Nonsense." "You must keep up." " Whatever happened to old Bungy?" " I never saw him after that." "Good chap, good chap." "You know what his trouble was, don't you?" "Couldn't leave the little brown girls alone." "Oh, dear." "I remember one night in the mess at Jabalpore when we made him a cardinal!" " How did he take that?" " He went through it like a lamb." "Good heavens, that takes me back." "I haven't seen that for donkey's years." "How...how do you make someone a cardinal?" "It was a ceremony we'd go through in the mess in the old days." " What did you have to do?" " Why?" "Do you want to be made one?" "I might." "It's all right for us old soldiers, but I think you might find it a bit much." "I don't see why I should." "I'd like to be made a cardinal." "What?" "What?" "Well..." "Shall we make him one, boys?" "All right, then." "Here we go." "I'll try and put you in the picture." "It goes rather like this." "Now, here's to the health of Cardinal Puff for the first time." "And you tap the table once with the first finger of your right hand, then your left hand, stamp your right foot once, left foot once, bang the glass on the table once and you take one drink." "Now, here's to the health of Cardinal Puff Puff for the second time." "And you tap the table with the first two fingers of your right hand twice and the first two fingers of your left hand twice, stamp your right foot twice, left foot twice, bang the glass on the table twice and you take two drinks, you see." " Ah." " Here..." "Here's to the health of Cardinal Puff Puff Puff for the third and last time." "And you tap the table with the first, second and third finger of your right hand thrice, and with the first, second and third finger of your left hand thrice, and you stamp your right foot thrice" "and your left foot thrice and you bang the glass on the table thrice - one, two, three - and you take three drinks, you see." " Now, have you got that?" " Not quite." "I'll go through it again for you." "Listen." "Here's to the health of..." "This commercial traveller, he says to the landlady, he says to the landlady, "I'm sorry, madam, but I am un..." No, wait a minute." "He says, "No, no, I'm sorry." "I do not work between Mondays and Fridays."" "(JONES LAUGHS)" "Well, I thought it was funny." "Hey, I know some jokes." "God's sake!" "Listen, I've got tuppence in that hand..." "Uncle Arthur?" "I've got tuppence in that hand." " How much have I got?" " Fourpence." "No, wrong." "Sixpence." "I've got tuppence in my pocket!" "Three tomatoes going across the desert." "Which one's the cowboy?" "No idea." "None of them." "They're all redskins." " Here's another..." " No." "No, listen." "Why did the submarine blush?" " Why did the submarine blush?" " Don't nudge me." "Do you give up?" "'Cause he saw Queen Mary's bottom." "I don't think Queen Mary would like that." "Sorry, Uncle Arthur." "And you bang the glass on the table three times... and you take three drinks." "Now do you see it?" " Yes, I think I've got it." " Good." "Come along, chaps." "Now, if you go wrong, you've got to drain the glass and go right back to the beginning." " Right." " Good luck." "Here's to the health of Cardinal Puff for the first time." "Wrong!" " You didn't bang the table with the glass once." " Oh, yes, so sorry." "Right, right." " Here's..." " Drain the glass, old boy!" "Drain the glass." "There we go." "Just listen to them, will you?" "It's a disgrace, a perfect disgrace." "I don't know what's come over Mainwaring." "He was never like this." "I tell you, when I was out in the Sudan, there was some terrible goings-on in the officers' mess." "It was absolutely alarming." "But if you drunk too much out in that heat, it would turn you into a gibbering idiot!" "Blimey!" "You must have knocked a bit back!" "Here..." "Here's to the health... ..of Cardinal Puff..." "Puff..." "Puff Puff..." "Wrong!" " What was..." "What was wrong there?" " Puff Puff Puff Puff!" "Ha!" "What was wrong...?" "What was wrong...?" "What was wrong with that?" " Wrong with what?" " Puff Puff Puff Puff." " Too many Puffs!" " You're absolutely right." "I should have said..." "Here's to the health of Cardinal Puff Puff Puff." "Not Cardinal Puff Puff Puff Puff." " What?" " Start again, start again." "Here's to the he...the heal..." "Here's to the health..." "of the Archbishop of Canterbury!" "What's that got to do with it?" "It's all the same thing." "It's all religious, isn't it?" "It's the wrong denomination!" "The wrong denom...denomination?" "Yes." "RC, not C of E." "Yes." " Right." " Start again." "Here's to the health..." "of the Duchess of York... ..who's a friend of Cardinal Puff Puff Puff Puff!" " Start again!" "Start again!" " Here's..." "Ohh!" "Start again." "And drain the glass." "I'll drain the bloody glass." "(DRUNKEN SINGING)" "# Puff Puff Puff Puff... #" "Shh!" "Damn revolving doors!" "Got him!" "I've got him!" "I've got the intruder!" "Come on, boys!" "I've got the intruder!" "I've got him!" "I've got him!" "I've got..." "Oh!" "I'm sorry, Mr Mainwaring." "I thought you was a Thuggee." "No, you're quite mistaken, Colonel." "I'm Cardinal Puff Puff Puff..." "Puff!" " Bless you, sir." " Thank you very much." "# Is that the Chattanooga choo-choo?" "#" "Right, let's see." "Eastgate, Littlebourne-on-Sea and Dimwich Platoons." " They've all thrown one grenade each." " (EXPLOSIONS)" "What was that?" "What was that?" "I heard two going off at once!" "Walmington-on-Sea, sir." "He's trying to finish them quickly." "If he's not careful, they'll finish him quickly!" "They're mad." "Especially that lunatic Lance Corporal." " (GROANING)" " What's that?" "Oh." "Are you all right, Captain Mainwaring?" "You look ill." " What time is it?" " 11.30." "Where are my...?" "Oh!" "Where are my men?" "All down at the bombing range." "I'm giving them a lecture on sticky bombs." "Oh, good, good." "I'll come with you." " Are you sure you feel up to it?" " Of course." "I wouldn't miss the bombing for anything." "Carry on." "(EXPLOSION)" "That covers the nine main points of the sticky bomb." "Now, before we put it to any practical use, are there any questions?" " Right." "Carry on, Sergeant Major." " Sir!" "Right, now, that is a Nazi tank there." "Righto." "Line up." "You're first, Sergeant." "Ah, yes." "Would you mind...?" " Thank you." " Now, you walk smartly up to the tank." "Don't run." "Pull the pin out, the cover falls off and you press the bomb firmly to the side of the tank, to which it will adhere." "Once the glass breaks inside the bomb, you've got 15 seconds." " Oh, yes?" " Don't pull the pin out!" "Don't pull it out!" "All right." "I wasn't going to." "Right, now, I want you all to go to the tank with him so you get the hang of it." "Whatever you do, don't run." "Understand?" "Don't run." "You don't want to attract the attention of the enemy." "And you don't want to fall flat on your faces and blow yourselves up!" " Right, now, off you go." " (SHRILL BLAST)" "Turn!" "Don't run." "Don't run!" "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven..." "Right, down!" "Right, Corporal, you're next." "Now, don't run, whatever you do." "Don't run." "Understand?" " I shall assume a nonchalant manner, sir." " Get on with it, Jones." "(WHISTLE)" "Left, right, left, right, left, right." "Left, right, left, right, left, right." "Turn!" "He's got it!" "Don't panic!" " Right!" " (EXPLOSION)" "Right, take it steady." "And don't fire till I say." "Right!" "Fire!" "(EXPLOSION)" "Not bad at all." "Next!" "We've nearly finished, Jones." "Jones!" "Jones?" " We've nearly finished now." " Oh." " Move the van off when I give the signal." " Right, sir." " I'll bang on the back." " You'll bang on the back, sir." " You ready, lad?" " Yes, sir." "Fire!" "I think it's broken." "You silly lad!" "Here, let me do it." "It still won't go, sir." "Ooh!" "There's no need to bang as loud as that, Mr Mainwaring!" "Blimey!" " Hang on, hang on." " All right, Wilson." "I'll handle this." "We're with you, sir!" "# And in the meantime" "# Think of me, do" "# Cleaning my rifle and dreaming of you #" "Jones!" "Jones!" "Jones!" "(JONES) # La-la-la-la" "# And in the meantime" "# Think of me, do" "# Cleaning my rifle and thinking of you... #" " Jones!" "Jones!" " Mr Mainwaring!" "How did you get there?" " Quick!" "Stop the van!" " What?" " Stop the van!" "There's a live grenade in it!" " What, sir?" "What, sir?" "A live grenade?" "A live grenade!" "Don't panic!" "Don't panic!" " Get out." " Yes, sir!" "Stop it first, you idiot!" "Ohh!" "Jones!" "Jones!" "Take cover!" "That lot could blow up at any second!" "There are 200 grenades in that van!" "If that lot goes up, it'll put the whole defence of the county out of action." " Are you sure?" " Of course I'm sure!" " Come back, you fool!" " Come back, Mr Mainwaring!" " Think of Mrs Mainwaring and the men!" " Careful, sir." "We'd really rather not lose you!" "Got it!" "Oh!" "Well done, Mr Mainwaring!" "Very good." "Well do..." "# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think we're on the run?" "# We are the boys who will stop your little game" "# We are the boys who will make you think again" "# 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think old England's done?" "# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21" "# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun" "# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think old England's done?" "#" "There we were, in the desert, no food and, what was worse, no water." "And Johnny Turk sniping at us all the time." "Ha-ha-ha!" "My tongue was so swollen, it filled my entire mouth." "I would have sold my soul to the devil for a drink." " Would you like another, sir?" " Thank you, Sergeant." "Very good of you." "Same again, please." "We don't see you gentlemen from the Eastgate platoon in these parts very often." " We're here about the big exercise on Sunday." " What exercise is that?" " All the local Home Guard units are taking part." " That's enough, Sergeant." "Careless talk, you know, what?" "Careless talk, eh?" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Now, where-where-where was I?" "In the desert, dying of thirst." "Oh, thank you so much." "Yes." "Cheers." "Yes, as I was saying, my tongue was absolutely black." "Then I remembered the old trick of sucking a pebble." "Only trouble was, no pebbles in the desert, what?" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Nothing but sand, don't you know?" "Then I had an idea, and I pulled out my gold hunter." "Beautiful watch, belonged to my father." "It's even got an alarm." "I popped that in my mouth and left it there for three days." "There's no doubt about it, that watch saved my life." " That's a remarkable story." " I'll tell you something more remarkable." "When I took that watch out, it was going perfectly." "It hadn't lost or gained a second." "I'll prove it." "I'll pop this in my mouth for a few minutes and you'll see." "I'll just set the alarm." "There." "Oh, well, I must say, I could do with a glass of beer, sir." " I look forward to my pint after the parade." " Oh, Lord!" "There's that old bore, Captain Square." "I wonder what he's doing here." "I suppose he's over from Eastgate about Sunday." "Let's go to the other end of the bar." "Good evening, Mr Mainwaring." "Mr Wilson." "(UNINTELLIGIBLE)" "What the devil's he doing with a watch in his mouth?" "Perhaps he's, er...watching his drink." " Just a little play on words, do you see, sir?" " Oh, really, Wilson." "Your sense of humour gets more childish every day." " (ALARM)" " Ah!" "There we are!" "And still going." "What did I tell you?" "Ha-ha-ha!" "This calls for another drink." "I'm so sorry, Main-waring." "You were first." "After you." " No, please." "Carry on." " The same again, then, please." " Well, are you looking forward to Sunday?" " Should be an interesting day." "You'll find it difficult capturing that mill with us inside." " How will you get across that open ground?" " I dare say a way will be found." "Now, gentlemen, it's your turn." "Sorry to keep you waiting." "Pints?" " Yes, please." " Thanks very much, yes." " Sorry, gents." "No more beer." " Well, that's nice." "# When that man is dead and gone... #" "And so, gentlemen, this is without doubt the most difficult exercise that we have so far tackled." "To sum up, here is the windmill." "Inside, Captain Square and the Eastgate platoon." "Wall here." "River here." "Boathouse here, and here and here, bushes and trees." "Around the windmill is open ground." "Not a scrap of cover." "Our job is to get across that open ground and plant a high explosive inside the windmill." "Any suggestions?" " Permission to speak, sir?" " Yes." " What about a tunnel, sir?" " A tunnel?" "Yes, sir." "We all go round behind that wall and we can dig a hole in a downward direction." "Down and down, then suddenly you start digging sideways, sideways, sideways." "When we think we're under the mill, start digging upwards, upwards, upwards." "And, God willing, we'll be in the mill." "Or else in Australia." "I think you're in the realms of fantasy again, Jones." "There he goes again with "realms of fantasy"." "He's playing with fire." "I control his meat." "I've got an idea, sir." "There was some play of Shakespeare's, I can't remember which one." "There was some sort of king who invited his troops to dress up as bushes... ..so that they could move across the open ground in order to attack the castle." " Yes." "Dress them up as bushes?" " That's right." "Yes." "Sounds a very good idea." "I..." " You going to be polishing long, Verger?" " I've got to keep the place clean." "The state you leave it in is a disgrace." "Do it some other time." "You're getting on my nerves creeping around with that miserable face." "This happens to be my normal expression." "You can't be a verger with a funny face, you know." "You seem to have managed all right." " Yeah, get out." " That's what they treat me like." "Dirt." "Sorry about that, gentlemen." "Where were we up to?" "Sir, get one of us inside a dummy log, then we can float down the river to the mill." " That should do the trick." " That's a rather good idea, Walker." "But someone has to push the log and we can't stay underwater." " Get someone in a diving suit to push the log." " Don't be absurd!" "Who's got a diving suit?" " I've got a diving suit." " You have?" "How did you come by that?" "I was in the South Seas with a friend of mine, Willy Stewart." "We were diving for pearls." "One day he was down below doing the job and I was up on deck with the native boys working the pumps." "Suddenly, I felt four pulls on his lifeline." "That means "haul me up"." "I knew there was trouble." "I looked down - the sea's as clear as crystal - and there was Willy fighting for his life with a giant squid." "I never hesitated." "I dived down and down into the depths." "I plunged my knife between those two hideous eyes." "My lungs were bursting, a red mist before my eyes." "The sea was black with the inky liquid from the squid." "I gave the signal and they quickly pulled Willy up." "I went on deck and unscrewed his helmet and then...then I realised they'd pulled him up too quickly." "He was dying from the dreaded bends." "I cradled him in my arms and he gazed up at me and said," ""Look after my poor old mother." ""See that she gets all my property."" "Well, all he had was his diving suit and it was no use to her, so I gave her ten bob and kept it." "Every time after that, whenever I went down in that diving helmet" "I could hear poor Willy's voice crying," ""Help." ""He-e-e-e-elp."" "So... we take it you have a diving suit, Frazer." " Permission to speak, sir?" " Yes." "I'll ask the vicar to borrow that imitation log he uses in his pantomime Babes In The Wood." " I don't think he'll like that." " Don't fret, sir." "I'm in charge of his meat." "He'd do anything for a bit of kidney." "There's nothing we can do tonight." "We'll parade tomorrow and discuss the plan." "That's all." " Hello?" " Hello?" "Who's there?" "It's me, Captain Square." "The verger, Walmington-on-Sea parish church." " Any news?" " I found out how they'll get into the mill." " How?" " The same way as Shakespeare did it." "Shakespeare?" "What are you talking about?" "They're going to dress up as bushes, creep into the crops, then across the open ground." "LordI That old trick?" "Main-waring must be slippingI Ha-ha-ha." " Thank you for your help." " I'd do anything for you, sir." "You're a gentleman." "Not like Mainwaring's lot." "Treat me like dirt, they do." "Just like dirt!" " All right, Frazer?" " Fine, thank you, sir." "We'll just run through the plan in detail again." "We are in the boathouse here." "Frazer will push the log out into the open river here." "Remaining underwater, he'll push the log through the river till he comes level with the windmill here." "What do you do then, Frazer?" "When I'm level with the windmill, I give one tug on my lifeline." "Now, when Frazer tugs on his lifeline," "I shall give one warble on my bird warbler, and what do you do then, Wilson?" "When you've done your warble on your bird warbler, I shall start to create the first diversion." "Walker?" "When you've warbled and Sergeant Wilson starts the first diversion, I'll help him." "What happens then, Frazer?" "While the diversion is attracting the attention of the defenders in the mill," "I quickly tilt Jones in the log onto the bank." "Excellent." "Jones?" "Where's Jones?" "He's dressing up as a log." "Hurry up, Jones." "Shouldn't take you all this time to dress up as a log." "And here we have Betty, in a natty little one-piece woodland ensemble." "# A pretty girl is like a melody... #" "Walker!" "All right." "Stand easy, Corporal." " What do you think, Wilson?" " I don't know what to think." "I really don't." "It's too late to change our plans now." "We'll have to hope for the best." "Jones?" "Where are you, Jones?" " Jones?" " I'm here, sir." "We've just got to the bit where you've been tipped on the bank." "What do you do then?" "Well, sir, it's like this." "When Sergeant Wilson's being diverting, I make my way to the windmill." "When Jones reaches the windmill, I shall give two warbles on my bird warbler." "What then?" "When I hear two warbles on the bird warbler, I start the second diversion." " And I help him with it." " That's right." "Now, Jones." "The second diversion should give you time to get to the mill." "You flatten yourself against the outside so people inside can't see you." "You then divest yourself of the log, climb up the ladder here and throw the bomb in through the window here." " How are you going to carry the bomb?" " Between my legs, sir." "What?" "I shall have a piece of string round my waist and it will dangle between my knees." "At a given point, the choosing of my own," "I shall let loose the string and the bomb will drop on the floor, sir." "I see." "Give him the time bomb." "Right, sir." "Here you are, Jonesy." "Keep still for a moment." "It's going to be rather difficult, sir." "I can't quite see where to put..." "That was really rather neat, wasn't it?" " All right." "Tie it on, Jones." " Right, sir." " Quickly as you can." " Right, sir." " Hurry." "I want to try this out." " I've only got two pairs of legs, sir." " Give him a hand, Walker." " Right, open up, Jonesy." "Look, Joe, I'm tying a knot, so put your finger on it." "Not there!" "Oh, come on!" "Get on with it." "See if you can release the bomb." " Off you go." " Right, sir." "Release the bomb!" " (CLUCKS LIKE A CHICKEN)" " All right, Walker!" "You can stop jumping about now." "That seemed to work, Wilson." " Yes." "Shall I put the bomb back in again?" " No." "We can't go through that nonsense again." "Let's assume that it's inside." "I want to run through this from the start." "Take up your positions." "We're going..." "Where have you gone to?" " Down here, sir." " We're going from the beginning." "Very good, sir." "Right, sir." " Right." "You all right, Frazer?" " Aye, sir." "Don't forget, boys, keep up a nice steady pressure." " Don't worry." "We'll keep pumping." " Don't forget the signals." "If I give four pulls it means I'm coming up." "If you give four pulls it means you want me to come up." "See?" "Yeah." "I've got it, Mr Frazer." "Two different signals - four and four." "Put the glass in." "Right." "Start pumping." " Godfrey, Wilson, take up diversion positions." " All right, sir." "Now, let's get Frazer into the water." "Come on." "Here we are." "Right." "Now...you're going into the water." "Now, Frazer takes the log out from the boathouse into the open river." "(JONES) Gurgle, gurgle." "Gurgle, gurgle." " All right, Corporal?" " Yes, sir." " That's the water gurgling against the side, sir." " I see." " (JONES) Gurgle, gurgle!" " I shall be looking through my periscope." "Frazer's now submerged, pushing the log along the river." "He has now reached a point opposite the windmill." " (JONES) Gurgle, gurgle." " (WARBLE)" " That's the signal for the diversion." "Wilson!" " Yes?" "I've warbled." "Are you diverting?" "We're doing it behind the wall." " I can't see you." " How could you, sir?" " We're doing it behind the wall." " All right." "Start again." " (JONES) Gurgle, gurgle." " Frazer!" "Frazer!" " Frazer!" " He can't hear you, Mr Mainwaring." " Give four pulls on his lifeline." " Thank you very much." "One, two, three, four." "Get him up." "He don't half look a funny colour, Mr Mainwaring." "Perhaps he hasn't got enough air." "Sponge!" "More air!" "We're pumping as hard as we can, Mr Mainwaring." " Mr Mainwaring?" " Yes?" "You're standing on the pipe, you stupid boy." " Help him off with his helmet." " No, he might get the bends in his head." " No one would tell the difference." " Are you all right, Frazer?" " All right now?" " He still can't hear you, Mr Mainwaring." "He's all right." "Can't waste any more time." "All right, Corporal?" " OK, sir." " Right." "Once more." "Here we go." "Positions, everybody." "This time we'll get it right." "Right." "Here we..." "What are you doing, you stupid boy?" "Right, take up your positions." "Everything ready?" "Off you go." " What do you want, Warden?" " What's going on?" "That's no concern of yours." "What we are doing is vital to the war effort." "A bloke in a diving suit pushing another bloke on a soapbox dressed in a log?" " Vital to the war effort?" " Yes." " I'd never have believed it." " (JONES) Gurgle, gurgle." "Gurgle, gurgle." " What's that?" " That's the water gurgling past." " (JONES) Gurgle, gurgle!" " Don't go away." "Gerald's got to see this." "Right." "Let's start again." "When Frazer reaches the point of the windmill..." "I told you." "A bloke in a diving suit pushing another bloke on a soapbox dressed in a log." " Don't call me a liar." " You were right." "Here's your five bob." "Are they on our side?" " Any sign of Main-waring's lot yet, Sergeant?" " No, sir." "Nothing." "It's only a quarter to." "They're not due to start till two o'clock." " I make it a quarter past, sir." " What?" "Good heavens!" "Damn thing must have stopped." "I don't see how that Walmington-on-Sea lot will get across." "All the others have failed." "Well, keep your eye open for a lot of bushes." "Part of their master plan." "Ha-ha-ha." " According to the verger." " Is he reliable, sir?" "Of course he is." "He's my fifth column." "I've got him posted in a graveyard on the side of a hill." "He can see everything from there." "I'd better ring him up, see if he's OK." "(SNIPPING)" "(PHONE RINGS)" "Verger here." "Not yet, Captain Square, but I've got my eyes peeled." " Let me know if anything moves." " Yes, sir." " A quick check now, before we go." "Jones?" " Yes, sir?" " Have you got the bomb between your legs?" " Yes, it's quite comfy, sir." "Right-ho." "Right." "Glass in." "That's it." "Start the pump." " Mr Mainwaring?" " Yes." "Mr Frazer's just given four pulls on his lifeline." "That means he wants to come up." "He's already up, you silly boy." " Stop pumping." " Yes, sir." " What's the matter, Frazer?" " I just want to scratch my nose." "Oh..." "Go on, hurry up." " Is that enough?" " That's it." "Right." "Start the pumps." " Right." "You ready, Jones?" " Yes, sir." "Thank you, sir." " Good luck." " Good luck, sir." " Right." "Lower him down onto the raft." " (JONES) Gurgle, gurgle." " It won't go through, Mr Mainwaring." " Oh!" "Give it to me, you stupid boy." "There you are." "Right." "They've got to a place level with the windmill." "Take over the periscope, Pike." " I'm going to sound the signal." "Got it?" " Yes, sir." "Off we go, then." "What are you doing?" "(WARBLE)" "I think they've started, sir." "Look." "Over by that wall." "What the devil are they doing?" "Left, right, left, right..." "Why are they drilling?" "They ought to be attacking us." " It's typical of Main-waring's Blimp mentality." " Could be a trick." "It's impossible." "I can count 15 rifles." "It's a whole platoon." "(MUFFLED ) I can't get the door open." "I can't get the door open." "I can't see." "I can't see!" "I can't get the door open." "I can't see." "Mr Mainwaring." "Mr Jones has fallen in the water." "Argh!" "(WILSON) Left, right, left, right." "About turn." "They're marching backwards." "Something damn fishy here." "Better ring the verger." "About turn!" "Left, left..." "Lovely, isn't it?" "Left, right, left." "Left." "About turn." "(PHONE RINGS)" " Verger here." " What's going on behind that wall?" " They've got a lot of rifles tied to poles." " Have you been drinking?" "Pull yourself together, man." "(WARBLE)" "Oh, dear." "There's the signal for the second diversion." "Where can Joe have got to?" " Charlie, haven't you started your diversion?" " I've been waiting for you." "I've been helping Mr Wilson." "I can't be diverting everywhere." "Let's get on with it." "Put tin hats on the sheep and take them up to the mill." "Why put tin hats on the sheep?" "When they see them coming, they won't know if it's us dressed up as sheep." "While they're figuring it out, Jonesy will be in the mill." "Come on, darling." "(DOG BARKS)" "Hey!" "Clear off." "(BARKING)" "Clear off." "Clear off." "Oh, no." "All right." "You win." "Captain Square, they're moving towards you dressed as sheep with tin hats on." " Dressed up as sheep with tin hats on." " Verger, get off the lineI" " Mr Mainwaring, Mr Jones has reached the mill." " Right." "We'll join Sergeant Wilson and the others at the rendezvous and move in for the kill." " Have you caught the dreaded bends?" " No!" " Ah!" "There you are, Mr Yeatman." " Oh, hello, sir." "I've been looking for you everywhere." "What are you doing?" " I'm bird-watching, Your Reverence." " I had no idea you were keen on ornithology." "(PHONE RINGS)" "Hello?" "Vicar, Walmington-on-Sea parish church." "Just a moment." "It's for you, Verger." " Beautiful day, don't you think?" " Yeah." "(ALARM RINGS)" "Listen, sir." "Sounds like an alarm clock." "Ah!" "It must be my gold hunter!" " Yes." "I told you it was reliable." " I thought it came from the back, sir." "By Jove!" "I say!" "Look over here!" "Over here." "By Jove!" "The verger was right." "They ARE dressed up as sheep with tin hats on." "How the devil did they manage it?" "Perhaps they're using midgets, sir." "We've won!" "We've won!" " He's thrown the bomb in." " Hooray!" "Argh!" "He's climbed up one of the sails!" "Come on." "Let's go and accept their surrender." "Help!" "Help, Mr Mainwaring." "Help!" " Help, Mr Mainwaring." " Hold on." "We'll have you down in a minute." " I'm just going to accept their surrender." " Yes?" " I've come to accept your surrender." " We threw the bomb back." " We've won!" " Absolute rubbish!" "We won." " We won!" " We won!" "Blimey, the sails are moving." "(JONES) Whoa!" "Whoa!" "I refuse to surrender and that's that." " The sails are moving." " What?" " What shall we do?" " Leave this to me." " I'll stick something in the machinery." " All right, sir." "I'll be all right." "Yes." "Don't panic." "I'll be all right." "It didn't work." "I'm all right." "Don't panic." "I'm all right." "Yes." "I'm all right." "Now, don't panic." "Aaargh!" "# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler #" "# If you think we're on the run?" "#" "# We are the boys who will stop your little game #" "# We are the boys who will make you think again #" "# 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler #" "# If you think old England's done?" "#" "# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21 #" "# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun #" "# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler #" "# If you think old England's done?" "#" "So to sum up..." "Whatever form of transport we use, whether it be bicycles, van or any other form of vehicular transport, the whole thing boils down to one thing in the end - the three Fs." "Fast feet, functional feet and, last but not least, fit feet." "I have got here two diagrams issued by the Royal Army Medical Corps, and the first one..." "..shows...what a good foot should be." "Take the first metatarsal here..." " Permission to speak, sir?" " Yes." "I am not formed as other men, sir." " My foot's not the same as that, sir." " Blimey, don't tell me they're webbed!" "That'll do, Walker." "In what way is your foot different, Jones?" "I haven't got a first meta..." "I've got a big toe there, sir." " Metatarsal is the medical term for toe, Jones." " Thank you very much, sir." "The first metatarsal, second metatarsal, third metatarsal, fourth metatarsal" " and last but not least..." " The piggy that went "wee-wee-wee"." " Not really a laughing matter, Wilson." " Well...funny..." " Hold that." " Right, sir." "See how perfectly the line of the boot is, no pinching and no cramping." "In contrast to that I'm going to show you something rather nasty." "Show them your foot, Wilson." " I beg your pardon?" " Unroll your foot." " Well, I really..." "I don't quite..." " Let them see the diagram!" "Why didn't you say so, sir?" "There you see what can happen in a really bad-fitting shoe." "The first thing I'm going to do is check your boots and see that your feet fit properly." " Right, sir." " Right." "Sponge." "Yes...yes, that seems all right...all right." "Pike." " Are my metatarsals fighting fit?" " Yes, they're very good, Pike." " Very goo...good indeed." " All right, sir?" "Yes, thank you, Sergeant." "Godfrey...ohh..." "Put your foot up, Godfrey." "No, higher than that." "Whoa!" "Oh!" " Get me a chair." " A chair, Pike, please." " We're not getting any younger, are we, sir?" " Look to your front!" " That chair's to put your foot on, Godfrey." " Oh, I'm so sorry." "Yes, that seems all right." "That should carry you a good 20 miles." "Thank you for your confidence, sir." " Put it up, Walker." " No worries, Mr Mainwaring, my feet are fine." " Put it up." " No, I've had my feet..." "Do as you're told!" "Rather big feet, haven't you?" "I didn't realise what big feet you had, Walker." " You know what they say, "Big feet, big..."" " Big what?" "Just an expression." "What's he talking about?" "(WHISPERS)" "Really?" "His nose looks absolutely normal to me." " Hello." "Something strange here, Wilson." " Why strange, sir?" "Very strange indeed." " What's the meaning of that?" " It's more comfy." " You've ruined government property." " They're not the ones I was issued." "I've 200 pairs in the stores." "I'll let you have some..." "All right, that'll do." "See me afterwards." "Corporal." "Don't worry about my feet, sir." "I've got pretty feet, sir." "When I was in India, my feet were the talk of the cantonment." "Wandering one day nonchalantly through the bazaar by way of the shore down to the river," "I noticed a young native woman doing a spot of dobeying." "I quickly stopped, whipped off my socks and boots - to wash my feet, you understand - when I heard her come murmuring towards me." ""Sundebaha, sundebaha." That means "You have got pretty feet."" "I noticed one thing about that young woman I didn't notice before." "She was stripped to the waist, sir." "They do a lot of that..." "All right, all right!" "Anyway, they seem in tip-top condition." "I bathe them in tea." "When I was in the Sudan we always bathed them in tea, sir." " Tea?" " What a good idea." "Indian or China?" "Don't be insolent, Godfrey." "Right!" "It seems to me we've got a great deal of work to do to get our feet up to scratch." "Starting from next weekend, we're going to do a series of long route marches." "Aw." "# Boots, boots, boots, boots Pull me up and down again" "# There's no discharge in the war" "# Seven, six, eleven, five Nine and twenty miles a day" "# Four, eleven, seventeen... #" "(WILSON) Come on, now, quick as you can." "It's been a long day." "Mark time in front..." "Come on, the rest of you, mark time in front." "Right." "Through..." "Through..." "Halt!" "Well done, men." "Well done indeed." "That's five miles yesterday, seven miles today." "On the command "Fall out", take off your boots and prepare your feet for inspection." " Corporal Jones." " Hup." "Oh!" "I'll inspect the men's feet in five minutes." "Sergeant, come into the office." " Of course, sir." " Platoon, fall out." "Oh!" "Good to get the weight off one's feet." " I asked you to come in here..." " Excuse me, sir." "Would you mind awfully if I was to sit down as well?" " Why?" "Don't you feel well?" " I feel fine, sir." "I just feel a bit tired, that's all." " Didn't you sleep well?" " Not for the last two or three hours." " Sit down if you must." " Thank you, sir." "Thank you very much." "It's very good of you, sir." " You and I have a certain position to uphold." " Yes, of course." " I'm a pretty shrewd judge of character." " Of course, sir, yes." "Over the years we've known each other I've got to know your character pretty well." "You're not the brash, extrovert type of chap who's always bawling and shouting." " You handle the men quietly and subtly." " Thank you, sir." "I also got the feeling that you're a shy and sensitive man in many ways." "I therefore never do anything to embarrass you in front of the men," " or show you up in front of the platoon." " Thank you, sir." "For that reason, I'm not going to ask you to have your feet inspected with the rest of the men." "That's very kind of you, sir." "So before we go out there and inspect the men's feet," " I'll have a look at yours here, in private." " But you don't have to." "You don't have to inspect my feet, sir." "They're perfectly all right." "I don't doubt that they are but I have to be sure, don't I?" "Yes, of course, yes, yes." " Take off your boot." " Wha...?" "Oh, come on, Wilson, it's only me." " Now, look..." " Yes?" "We can't have one rule for some and another rule for others." "Yes, quite." "In that case, who is going to inspect your feet, sir?" "Yes." "Yes, I see your point." "Look here..." "You show me yours, I'll show you mine." " All right?" " Yes." "(PROTESTING)" "Don't make a fuss!" "It's Captain Mainwaring's orders." "Jump to it and I'll get him." "Oh, sorry, sarge..." "I didn't know it was private, sir." "Run along, Corporal." " Platoon's ready for inspection, sir." " Oh, right, jolly good." "(PIKE) My feet hurt, Mr Frazer." "Mine too, son, but we'll grin and bear it." " I've the very thing." "Foot salve." "Sixpence a time." " I don't want any of that rubbish." " You haven't tried it yet." " Can I have some, Joe?" "Sure, Pikey." "Now, then, if you don't like it, you don't have to buy it." "How about that?" "I bet that's better already." " There." " Thank you." " Taffy?" " Well..." " It's ever so soothing, Mr Frazer." " Oh...carry on, Joe." "(FRAZER GIGGLES)" " You won't regret this." " All right, as long as I don't..." "As long as I don't have to pay for it." "If you don't like it you don't have to pay for it." "I bet it feels better already." "Not bad." "Not bad, Joe, not bad at all." "Right." "Atten..." "Atten...shun!" " Permission to speak, sir?" " Yes, Corporal." "I'd like to volunteer to be the first soldier to have his feet inspected, sir." " Very well." " Thank you very much, sir." "That's very nice of you, thank you, sir." "Right, sir, I'm prepared, sir." "Ah...!" "Oh...!" " Got very good reflexes, haven't you, Corporal?" " Thank you, sir." "Yes, very good." "Good." "Got two blisters there." "See if..." "Very good." "Yes, very good." "It's obvious we've got quite a lot of work to do." "As from tomorrow we're going to embark on an intensive course of feet hardening." "Some of us are not as young as we used to be, but I'm sure we'll all put a bold fa..." "(SHRILL WHISTLE)" "# I came, I saw, I conga'd I came, I saw, I conga'd" "# It's plain to see you conquered me" "# Each time I shake a shoulder I get a little bolder" "# A dance like this deserves a kiss... #" "Get set..." "Platoon...hut!" "Slope...arms!" "By the left, quick march!" "Left, left, left, right, left." "Pick those feet up!" "Pick them up!" "About...turn!" " Left, right, left, right, left, right." " Having a nice paddle?" "Ignore him, men!" "If the Nazis invade now, you'll be able to meet them halfway!" "Left, left, left, right, left." "I shouldn't go too far that way, Mr Mainwaring, there's a great big..." "That's it!" "# If I had a talking picture of yo-ou" "# I would run it every time I felt blu-ue #" "(MAINWARING'S VOICE) Left, left, left, right, left." "Left, left, left, right, left." " Left, left, left, right, left." " Mum?" " Left, left, left, right, left." " Mum?" " Left, left, left, right, left." " Mum?" " Left, left, left, right, leftI" " Mum!" " Left, right, left." "Left, left..." " Aa-aah!" "Mum!" "Mum!" " Frank!" "What on earth's the matter?" " Look!" "Me feet!" "There's nothing wrong with your feet, Frank." " I was having a nightmare, Mum." " Oh." "I dreamt..." "I dreamt we were marching and my feet were all swollen up and horrible." "Oh, never mind." "It's all over now." "Now you can go back to sleep." "It's all that marching you've been doing." "I've a few words to say to Captain Mainwaring." "He's only trying to make our feet tough, Mum." "Your feet won't stand it." "You've got sensitive feet." "You've always had sensitive feet since you were a child." "Runs in the family." "Your Uncle George had such sensitive feet he didn't know where to put them." " Would you like a hot drink?" " No, thanks, Mum." "All right, then." "Mum?" " Frank?" " Goodnight." "Night, Frank." "Mum?" " Frank?" " Can I have a drink of water, please?" "All right, Frank." "I'll leave the light on." "Mum!" " Frank!" " Kitchen water, not bathroom water." "Right." "# You don't have to tell me, I know #" "Oh, blimey, look at that!" "Another route march on Sunday!" "20 miles!" "This is ridiculous!" " We'll never do it." "It'll kill us." " I don't think I can take any more." "Frank, I'm going to have this out with Captain Mainwaring here and now." " I feel such a fool." " I can't help that." " Evening." " Good evening." " Hello, Mavis." " I want to speak to Captain Mainwaring, Arthur." " He hasn't arrived yet." " Have you seen Frank's feet?" " I haven't noticed them recently." " They're in a terrible state." " He woke up screaming in the night." " Really?" "I didn't hear him." " (CLENCHED TEETH) Arthur!" " Sorry." " Mum?" " Mm?" "Uncle Arthur lives miles away." "How could he hear me in the night?" "Never you mind about that." "Go and stand over there." "Arthur, you're going to tell Captain Mainwaring that Frank's not going on any more marches." "Mavis, I can't possibly do that." "If you don't and Frank wakes up in the night again, you won't be there to hear it!" " Uncle Arthur?" " Yes?" " I've got an idea." " I'm delighted." "If Mr Mainwaring's feet hurt, he can't go on the route march, can he?" "That's right, he wouldn't be able to, no." "We've got to get a pair of boots like Mr Mainwaring's, only a size smaller, and swap them over." "That's an awfully good idea, Frank." "Very clever indeed." "I bet nobody has ever thought of an idea like that." "All we've got to do is get a pair of boots the same as Mr Mainwaring wears, only a bit smaller, and swap them over." "No, he'd tumble it." "We'll go to the shop he gets his boots, make them look a bit worn, he'll never know." "That's awfully clever." "I bet no one's ever thought of an idea like that." "# And in my shoes sent from Havana #" "Hey..." "listen, let me do the talking." "Charlie, when I give you a signal, say you feel faint and want a glass of water." " A glass of water?" "All right." " This is going to cost us a fortune." " Good afternoon, gentlemen." " My friend would like some brown boots." "Are you sure you don't want black boots?" "Brown ones are only for officers." " Ah..." "He's going to be an officer, aren't you?" " Yes, I'm going to be an officer." "You've certainly got the experience to be an officer." " What size?" " I should probably be a big officer." " Size of boots, you fool." " I'd like a size eight, please." " Eight." " Thank you." " Mr Mainwaring gets his boots here?" " That's right." " He'd like a pair like Mr Mainwaring's." " Yes, like Mr Mainwaring's, please." " Very well." " Er, mister, how much is all this going to cost?" " 36 shillings the pair." " Thirty...?" "!" "Nine shillings, he told Joe!" "For God's sake induce the man to find something cheaper." " There we are." " Oh, you don't look very well, Mr Godfrey." "You'd better sit down." "You look a bit pale." "He's a bit pale." " Could I have a glass of water?" " Yes, a glass of water." "Yes, I'll get one." "Thank you." "Quick, swap these over for half a size smaller than what Mr Mainwaring takes." "Right." "Right." "All right." "All right." "What size does he take?" "He takes..." "Blimey, I don't know." "Do you know, Taffy?" " How should I?" " Do you, Charlie?" " Know what?" " Never mind." "Listen..." "When he comes back with the water, drink it fast and ask for another one." "There you are, sir." "I'm sorry you're not feeling well." "Oh, thank you." " That wasn't enough, was it, Godfrey?" " Do you think I could have another one?" "Oh." "Oh." "Certainly." "Well done, Charlie." "You didn't ask him what size Mr Mainwaring's boots were." "I didn't have time." "Charlie, drink the glass down as quick as you can and ask for another one." " I don't think I can drink another one." " Force yourself." "While he's drinking it, you ask what size boots Mr Mainwaring takes." "Right-o." "I thought I'd bring plenty." "He..." "You'd like another one." "He'd like another one, yes." " I'll help you." " Oh!" "What size of boot does Mr Mainwaring take?" "Mr Mainwaring has a very small foot." "He takes a six and a half." " Why?" " He'd like some more." "Hang on, I'll help you." "Careful, you're spilling it!" "Joe, you're dicing with death filling the man up like this." "I think that's enough, thank you." " Jonesy!" " What..." " You'd like a drop of water, wouldn't you?" " Oh, yes." "Thank you very much." "I did a lot of work in the Sudan, you know." "I can't get enough water, really." "When he was out in the Sudan he nearly died of thirst." " Oh, dear." " I nearly died of thirst in the Sudan, I did." " I nearly died of it." " Don't finish it all." "It's finished." "Seeing all these people drinking has made me thirsty." "Can you get more?" "Oh." " God!" " Right, swap these for a size six." " Right." "Six, sixes." " All right." "Right." "Right." " All right, Jonesy, six." " Don't panic, don't panic." " We want a six." " Size six, I know, I know." "Wait a minute." " Size six." " Oh, watch!" " Is that a size six?" " No, not..." "Wait a minute." "Whoa!" "Well done." "Well." " What's happened?" " We thought we saw a mouse." " More of a little mouse than anything..." " Right, we'll take these." " Doesn't he want to try them on?" " Oh, no, no, no." "He doesn't want his feet to be seen." "He's very sensitive about his toes." " What's wrong with them?" " He had his toes tortured in the Sudan." "Yes, they tortured my toes terribly." "They were terrible toe torturers." " Right, pay the man, Taffy." "Taffy." " Me pay?" "Me?" " 36 shillings for boots, it's highway robbery." " Thank you." " Here we go." "Bye." " Wait a minute." "What about the coupons?" "Blimey, coupons!" "Hang on." "How many do you want?" " Where on earth did you get all those coupons?" " I've got a big family." "Before we go I..." "Do you think I could be excused a moment?" "There's no time." "No time." "That's funny." "I've never seen any mice in here." "# And in my shoes sent from Havana #" " Oh, good afternoon, gentlemen." " Good afternoon." "I'd rather like to get a pair of brown boots for this young man." " Brown, eh?" "Is he going to be an officer as well?" " What?" " Only officers are allowed to wear brown boots." " Are they...?" "Yes, yes." "Yes, that's right, yes, he's going to be an officer as well." " He's a bit young for an officer." " Well, he's frightfully keen." " I bet you're a proud father." " I don't quite follow you." " Your son becoming an officer." " Yes, well, he's..." "He's..." " He's not my son." " That's funny, I could have sworn..." "Would you mind awfully just going away and getting the boots?" " So sorry." " Thank you very much." " What size does the young man take?" " What size...what size?" " Nines." " Nines." " Right." " Please." " I want the same sort as Mr Mainwaring." " Don't they all?" "!" " Here you are." " Oh, dear." "Oh, dear, oh, dear." "Will one glass be sufficient?" " What?" " Of water." "You're feeling faint, aren't you?" "Very clever of you." "Very clever indeed." "How did you guess?" "I'll get you one." "Frank, quick as you can, change these into a size six." "Quick as you can." "Hurry up." " There are no sixes here, Uncle." " Try higher up." "Go on." "Don't make such a noise." "Quick as you can." " Come on, Frank." " Seven, eight, ten, eight..." " There's no sixes, Uncle." " Try higher up, then." "Mum'll have a fit when she finds out you sent me up so high." "I get vertigo." "All right, Frank, all right." "That's enough." "I think I've got a size six here." "You can come down now." " You did me a very nasty injury just then." " I'm sorry." "Come and sit down." "Come on." " Ah, here." " Thank you so much." "We saw a mouse." "That's all right." "I've brought the cat." " That's a good job, anyway." " What are you talking about?" "Good job Mrs Mainwaring makes him sleep with her in the air-raid shelter every night." "Easier for you to change the boots." "I nearly took my head off trying to get through that small door!" " Have you changed the boots, Uncle?" " Keep your voice down." " Did you?" " Yes." " Morning, men." " Morning, sir." " Fall the men in." "I'm going to get the map." " Right, sir, right." "Would you mind falling in, please?" " (KNOCK AT DOOR)" " Come in." " Good morning, Mr Mainwaring." " Morning." " I've brought the boots you left for repair." " Oh, thank you." "I thought you said as leather was so short I'd have to wait another month." "I managed to find you a bit." "It was the least I could do." "After all, you sent me all those customers." "Really?" "I think I'll change into these." "These are pinching me a bit." " I'll put them on your account." " Right." "I give him half a mile before those boots pinch him and he has to pack it up." "What do you say?" " I'll give him further." "I'll give him a mile." " He'll never do a mile." " I say he will." " Ten bob?" "You're on." "Ah, that's better." "Platoon, atten-shun!" "Now, men, 20 miles is a long march but if I can do it so can you." " Permission to speak, sir?" " Yes, Corporal." "As long as you can keep going, sir, we'll be right behind you." "Excellent." "Excellent." "Right." "Platoon will move to the left in threes." "Left turn!" "Now, let's start off with a merry heart." " Corporal Jones..." " Sir." "Lead off in single file!" "Platoon, with a merry heart, quick march." "(ALL WHISTLE "ROLL OUT THE BARREL")" "# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think we're on the run?" "# We are the boys who will stop your little game" "# We are the boys who will make you think again" "# 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think old England's done?" "# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21" "# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun" "# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think old England's done?" "#" "Pay attention, everyone." "I've brought you to the Scouts' dressing room because the vicar has made a special request to hold some function or other in the main hall." "I want to review the disposition of our troops in the somewhat broader..." " Oh, I'm so sorry." " It's all right." "..broader strategical picture as it now is." "In other words, where to tell Jonesy to stick his bayonet?" "Listen, Walker..." "Now, Hitler is across the Channel here, licking the wounds we inflicted on him at Dunkirk." "But make no mistake, he is a desperate and dangerous man." "Perhaps even more so now that he's become enmeshed with our ally the Russian bear." " I always thought they were communists." " We won't go into that now, Godfrey." "In times of stress one can't be too choosy about one's bedfellows." "As Robinson Crusoe said when he met Man Friday." "We are standing shoulder to shoulder here, on the shores of dear old Blighty." "In the middle, Jack Tar is ruling the waves" " and in the skies above us are..." " The Brylcreem boys." "The Brylcree..." "I told you before." "As I was saying..." "You're late on parade, Pike." " Sorry, Mr Mainwaring, sir." " There's far too much of this laxity going on." " What did he say?" " There's too much laxity." "Funny thing to give a lecture about." "What have you got to say, Pike?" "Mum wouldn't let me have my tea till I'd tidied my room." " You should come without your tea." " She wouldn't let me." "I'm going to take a very serious view of this absence without leave." " Take his name, Sergeant." " Yes, sir." "Yes." "As I say, the enemy is here, in his phalanxes, and...we..." " Sergeant, did you take his name?" " Yes, sir, yes." " You didn't write it down." " I don't have to." "I know it." "I tell you to take a man's name down in case you forget it." "I'm hardly likely to forget it." "I've known him for 19 years." "It's not that you'd forget the man's name, it's so you won't forget you've taken it." " Is that clear?" " Yes, sir." "He doesn't make himself clear to me." "Now..." "I..." " Why the handkerchief?" " Tying a knot in it, sir." " What for?" " To remind me to take down Pike's name." " Simpler to write it down." " I've no paper." "I'd have thought that as a senior NCO you'd have the initiative to borrow paper." " Can anybody lend Sergeant Wilson paper?" " No." "No, no, you see, you didnae want us to have anything in our pockets on duty." " Just our rank, name and number." " In case one of us was captured." "You didn't want to show any intelligence." "Some of us haven't got too much to show." " All right, sit down, Corporal." " Don't start." "Corporal, sit down." "You see me after the parade." " It was only a joke." " War is no joke." " What was I saying?" " Stick it." "Stick it on the board." " What?" " Pike's name!" " Good suggestion." "Do that, Sergeant." " Of course, sir." " Where's the chalk?" " I don't know." " You had it earlier." " I haven't got it." " It's down there." " Thank you, very kind of you." "Thank you." " I find that exceedingly humiliating." " Don't be a Jessie." "What does it matter?" "I'll tell my mum and she won't give him his egg." "As I was saying..." "Hitler and his lackey Mussolini are here, across the Channel." "We are guarding our strong points at Stones Amusement Arcade here, and the Novelty Rock Emporium here, and our advanced headquarters in the middle here, at the Marigold Tea Rooms." "Here we come to a rather serious tactical point." "It's quite on the cards that Adolf has got these places very well taped." "They have been here quite a long time and he has air reconnaissance, photographs, espionage reports and so on." "In short, he could well observe our comings and goings." " What are we going to do about it?" " Don't go so often." "You're being very tedious today, Walker." "When we was in the Sudan we used to have to employ a little wrinkle." "When the fuzzy-wuzzies discovered where our headquarters was, we had to move elsewhere, and when they came at us with their great weapons to the place where we wasn't, we fired on them from the place where we was." "Then we went in with cold steel and they couldn't abide that, they didn't like it..." " All right, thank you very much." " I haven't finished yet." "You've made your point." "He doesn't let you finish, does he?" "Right." "Now, then." "So if Hitler thinks that we are here or here, as from tonight...we are in fact..." "going to be...here." " Can anybody tell me what that is?" " A box with a dunce's cap on." " No, it's Harris's Orphanage holiday home hut." " Quite right, Walker." "The Harris Orphans' holiday home hut." "It has a good strategic position, very good observation and an all-round field of fire." "And three dozen screaming kids." "No, no, they were removed to a safer place after Dunkirk." "They used to wear little blue aprons and little straw hats and built marvellous sandcastles." "I used to want to join in because they looked so happy." "Yes, Godfrey." "Now..." "My sister and I had them to tea and we had cream buns." "You should have seen how they tucked in." "I've forgotten the taste of cream buns." "At the Marigold Tea Rooms they used to fill the buns with cream while you waited." "I always use to lick the sugar off first." "It used to go up your nose and made you sneeze." "It was very difficult..." "All right, Sergeant." "Keep quiet, everybody!" "I'm so sorry." "I beg your pardon." " Can we get back to the tactical situation?" " Yes, I'm so sorry." "Right." "Now, if Hitler takes us here...or here... from now on we shall give him everything we've got from here." "The Harris Orphans' holiday home... (ALL) Hut!" "Sir." "Atten..." "Atten...shun!" " All right, as you were." " As you were!" "Come on, Godfrey, as you were, at the double." "Sit down as the officer said." " I thought Wilson was in charge." " Yes, sir, but I'm second-in-charge." " Where's Wilson?" " He was drowsy so I said to have 40 winks." "40..." "The "all clear" hasn't gone." "He's the guard command, supposed to be alert at all times." "I know, sir, but I..." "I said I'd wake him up as soon as the invasion started, sir." " Oh." "Wilson!" "Wilson!" " Give it a rest, Mavis, please." " Wilson, wake up!" " I'm so sorry, sir." "I beg your pardon." " Is anything wrong?" " Come outside." "Right, sir." "Right." "Now, Wilson..." "Wilson!" " Will you come outside?" " Yes, sorry, I'm putting on my boots." " When I give an order, jump to it!" " Of course, sir." "Yes, sir?" "Yes?" " Where's your hat?" " Here, sir, here." " Well, put it on." " Right, sir." "I'm so sorry, sir." "Would you mind holding that for a moment?" "It's very difficult to do this without a mirror." "Awfully difficult." " There, is that quite nice, do you think?" " Oh, never mind that!" " You're supposed to be setting an example." " Yes." "How can they be on their toes if you're asleep?" "Nothing very much was happening so I thought I'd have a little nap." "I've had so many disturbed nights lately, what with the air raids and one thing and another." "I'm not interested in your excuses." "If excuses they be." "You're going to have to pull yourself together, aren't you, Wilson?" "If the rest of them can stay awake, you're going to have to, aren't you?" "Or else stand down for somebody who can." " If you're dissatisfied, I wouldn't dream..." " That's all." " Any sign of them, Frazer?" " Of course not." "No Christian soul would venture out on a black night like this." "It's too dark for a randy tomcat." "Be that as it may, keep a sharp lookout." "Will there be a cup of tea on the way to help clear my eyesight?" " Yes, Pike's coming with one." " Good." " Any chance of a cup of char, sir?" " Pike will be along with one." "Pay attention a minute, will you?" "Wilson has told me that he has great difficulty putting his hat on without a mirror." "I'll give you a little wrinkle which I think you will find invaluable." " Lend me your hat." " Right." "Thanks." "You put it on roughly at first, like that, and then take the forefinger and push it up your nose." "Up the outside, of course." "Now, you feel buttons, you see, with the finger, and align the hat thus." "You see?" "Then put it on one side, as usual..." "and there you are." "On active service, even without a mirror, there's no excuse for not being turned out properly." "Arthur!" "It's ever so dark and I swear someone was following me along the prom." " Mavis, it's hardly likely." " Not everyone finds me unattractive, Arthur." "I didn't mean that, Mavis." "What with the blackout and so on, you look just as attractive as anybody else." "I mean...sorry, I didn't mean that." " Frank forgot your biscuits." "Where is he?" " He hasn't arrived yet." "But he left ten minutes before I did, with the flask!" " Arthur, what's happened to him?" " How should I know?" " He's only a baby." "You should take care of him." " I know." " Perhaps the prowler's got him." " Perhaps he is the prowler." " What?" "!" " Walker!" "I shouldn't worry, Mrs Pike." "Probably lost his way in the blackout." "He's probably got entangled with some lady follower." "I used to do a lot of that, you know." " In springtime the maidens get a bit lust..." " All right, all right." " I know something's happened to him." "Arthur!" " All right, Mavis." "(HISSING AND SHOUTING)" " Heavens." " What was that?" " What is it?" " I thought I heard a faint cry." "He-elp." " He-elpI" " Over there by the water's edge." " He-elpI" " What's going on?" "HelpI" "(MEN CHATTER)" "Quiet." "Absolute quiet, please." " HelpI" " That's Pike." " Arthur!" " All right, Mavis, all right." "Are you all right, Pike?" "I've hurt me leg and I'm caught in the barbed wire." "Stupid boy." "What's he doing out there?" "Probably lost his way and went through the gap in the wire." "Arthur, don't leave him there in agony." "Help him back." "All right, Mavis." "Would one of you mind helping me over the wire?" "I wouldnae try that if I was you, Sergeant." "You'd be blown to smithereens before you took ten paces." " Good Lord!" " God, he's in a minefield!" " Arthur!" "He's in a minefield!" " We'll have him out." " Sergeant, ring the Engineers to clear a path." " Right, sir, right away." "It's a miracle the boy wasn't blown up getting out there." "Permission to give young Private Pike a few words of advice and encouragement?" " Yes, of course." " Oi, Pikey!" "Don't cheer up, boy, don't move a muscle, or you'll get blown to kingdom come!" "It's cold and wet out there." "Him with his delicate chest, too." "You ought to take more care of him, Mr Mainwaring." "I'm waging war, Mrs Pike, not running a clinic." " What news?" " I'm on to them now, sir." "It's terribly kind of you, but if you could possibly get here a teeny weeny bit sooner, we would be most awfully grateful." "Thank you so much, very kind of you." "Goodbye." "Well?" "They're having trouble with a landmine, sir." "They'll be about three hours." " Three hours?" " Indeed." "Well, he'll just have to wait." "Serve him right." "Teach him to be more careful in future." " He'll drown." " Eh?" "!" "If you wait three hours, he'll drown." "The tide's coming in fast." "He's right!" "When the tide's up you can't even see that wire." "Arthur, you've got to save my boy." "He's too young to die." " He's got all his life before him." " Mavis, let me think for one moment, please." "While you're thinking, the water's coming up and my Frank can't swim!" " I'm going to get him." " Stop, come back." "There are mines everywhere." " Calm!" "Calm!" "Pikey, your mother's coming!" " Be quiet." "I've an idea." "Why don't we get a boat and rescue him by the sea?" "The nearest's Salthaven." "By the time we'd rowed back he'd have been drowned an hour." " Oh, Arthur!" " Try and choose your words more carefully." " Did anybody see this minefield laid?" " Yes, I did." "It...it made a sort of...crazy pattern." "Come in and I'll show you." "I'll use these shells." "The little orphans used to collect them." "Pretty, aren't they?" " Hold one to your ear and you hear the sea." " Yes, yes, all right!" "The mines were laid in rows, about five of them, and they were laid about five yards apart in a pattern like that, sir." "Yes, I see." "We can assume that if Pike were lying here, there'd be a clear path through to the hut." "If we pick the wrong spot, we'll step on five of them." "I read a pamphlet about it." "I think the done thing is to prod the ground and feel for the mine, you see." " Prod it and feel for it." "Prod and feel..." " Yes..." "Yes..." "Yes..." "Very good thinking." "Why don't we prod with a bayonet and if we feel anything we can detour ourselves?" "Hang on, what about the scaffolding and barbed wire?" "That's for tanks." "It's no obstacle to us." "We have to cut the wire." " I've cutters in my shed." " The very thing." "Go on." "We can't wait for the Engineers." "We'll start clearing a path ourselves." " We'll mark a route for you to follow." " Right." " We could use these little flags." " Ideal." "Off you go." "The orphans used to stick them on their sandcastles." "They looked awfully gay." "Yes." "I know I don't need to ask for volunteers, so come on, follow me." "Right." " Keep as close as you can." " Aye." " Arthur!" "Not you." "Don't you go." " What is it?" " What are you talking about?" " I couldn't bear to lose you both." " Let the others do it." " There are some things one has to do," " otherwise one isn't a man." " You've always managed somehow, Arthur." "Not now, please, Mavis." "Oh, dear!" "Help!" "(MAINWARING) All right, Pike, we're comingI" "It's possible we're going to have to carry him out, so clear a path wide enough for two." "Captain Mainwaring, I'd like to volunteer to clear a path wide enough for two." " Your time will come later." " Then let me do the prodding, sir." "No, Sergeant Wilson and I will lead." "Sergeant Wilson, come here!" "Just coming, sir." "I just had to have a little chat with Mrs Pike." "This is no time for that sort of thing." "Sergeant Wilson and I will lead." "You, Corporal, will mark the route." " Very good, sir." " Not now!" "Wait!" "Godfrey and Frazer will bring up the rear." "Where is Godfrey?" " He's not here, sir." " Not here?" "I don't understand." " Don't you?" "Seems crystal clear to me." " What are you trying to say?" "It's always the same, the slightest first whiff of danger and he's off." " Like a scared weasel." " You've no call to speak like that." " Well, he's not here, is he?" " Begging my pardon, sir," "Private Godfrey's frequently not here on account he has to stay behind 'cause he has to go..." " You what?" " He gets taken short, sir." "Oh, yes, I see." "No doubt he'll follow." "Right, give me the torch, Wilson." " I haven't got the torch, sir." " I remember telling you to bring it." "The word torch never ever passed your lips." " You know that you are responsible for the torch." " We've had all this out before, sir." "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "Well done." " You shine it, Frazer." " Aye, sir." "Grab a bayonet, Sergeant." "I'll take this one." " What are you doing, Corporal?" " You touched my bayonet." "You touched it!" " I was only borrowing your bayonet, man." " Oh, sorry, sir." "It's a reflex action, you see, sir." "Years of sleeping in the bush veldt." "Pull yourself together." "Right, here we go." "Good luck." " Good luck." " Good luck to you, sir." " Now, Wilson." " Yes, sir." "Make quite sure...that there's nothing in front of you before you advance." " Follow?" " I do, sir." "I certainly will." "Right." "It's pretty soft here." "It feels all right." "Yes, it is all right." "Wilson...there's no need to prod every inch like that." " No, sir." " These things are at least eight inches apart." "I know, sir, but I think one can't really be too careful." "Right." "Come on." "Move on." " I think it's all right, sir." " Permission to speak, sir?" " If it wasn't all right, I think we'd know by now." " Thank you, Corporal." " Better start marking the route." "Pass me a flag." " Here we are." "Can't possibly use that one." "Have this French one, they're fairly reliable." " Right." "Prod on, Wilson." " Right, sir." " Who's there?" " It's only me, Mrs P." " Oh, my heart." "I thought you were the prowler." " No, better luck next time." " Where are they?" " Down there, I think." " Mr Mainwaring?" " Yes?" " Hurry up, the tide's coming in!" " We're coming as quickly as we can." "Sir, I think I've found something." "Feel like a mine?" "Difficult to know, sir." "I haven't much experience of this sort of thing." "One hardly likes to overplay one's hand, so to speak, in order to find out." " Let me feel." " Right, you feel." " Something there." " Yeah?" " Clear the sand away from it." " Right." "Wilson!" "The boy will drown if we don't get to him quickly!" "Clear the sand away!" "Oh, for heaven's sake!" "Are you there, sir?" "What's that?" ""A Handbook Of Field Engineering And Mine Warfare"." " What on earth's that?" " "How to lay a minefield"." "Oh, God!" "Oh, blimey!" "Halt!" "Who goes there, friend or German?" " It's only me." " How did you get here?" "It struck me that if you could come by the water's edge, so could I." "I've brought you a pair water wings." "If they should take a long time to get here, it'll help you keep afloat." " You can't swim yourself." " I've got two pairs of water wings." " I've brought a blanket, in case you were cold." " Thanks very much, Mr Godfrey." " What would Mum would say if I caught a chill?" " Better start blowing these up." " Right, Jones." " (WALKER) Mr MainwaringI" " Yes, we're here, Walker." " Right." "Mr Mainwaring, sir, I bet that poor young Pikey's getting a bit anxious." "I expect he is." "Come on, Pikey boy!" "We're coming for you, Pikey!" "All right." "Please, Jones, I don't think my nerves can stand much more of that." "I was only giving him a few words of encouragement." " Don't." "Keep quiet." " Right, sir." " Hello." "I found something." " And here, sir." "And there." "They must be much closer than you thought, Frazer." "It could be a stone, sir." "Wait a minute." "Let's clear this and see if we can lift it out." "Wait a minute, sir!" "Some have booby trap devices for trapping boobies." "Shut up, Jones." "It's metal all right." "Not very big." "Here, sir, I've got the clippers." "What's happening?" "Every time I open my mouth, he tells me to shut it." " It's a mine." " Can't we skirt round it, sir?" "There's another here." "Be careful, some are booby-trapped." "You touch the wire and... (ALL TALK AT ONCE)" "For heaven's sake!" "There's some writing on this." ""Not...gnim..." "lawot...emoclew"." "Must be Russian." " Thought they were on our side." " These are our mines." "Of course!" "The whole thing gets so confusing." "Let's get past." "Let's have a look." ""Welcome to Walmington"?" "It's a kid's bucket." "They're very similar in shape." "Mrs Pike, I hear there's trouble." "Where's Napoleon?" "Down there, saving my boy." "Why's he flashing that light?" "Doesn't he know there's a raid on?" "He'll have the Jerry planes buzzing round here like gnats." " Put that light out!" " (MAINWARING) Mind your own business." " It's an emergency." " Anything you touch is an emergency, mate!" "Ruddy hooligan." "I lay ten to one he blows himself up." "It's all right, Mave, your boy will be all right, don't you worry." " Nearly through, Pike." "Stay where you are." " Yes, just stay where you are." "I can't do much else, can I, Uncle..." "Sergeant?" "I've got a piece of rusty barbed wire sticking in me bum!" " Pass me those...cutters." " There you are, sir." "I'd like to volunteer to do the clippers, sir..." "Will you shut up?" "I'm sick of the sound of your voice!" " I've never known him like this before." " He's worried, you fool." "Why, has he got trouble at home?" "We're there, Pike." "Could you clip the bit that's sticking into me you-know-what first?" "Ah!" "Oh, you've no idea what a relief that is, Mr Mainwaring." "Right, do you think you can..." "crawl out after us now?" "I'll try but...my ankle don't half hurt." "We ought to have brought a blanket to drag him." "Would you care for a cup of tea before you start back?" " Godfrey, how on earth did you get there?" " I came along from the bathing camp." " I thought he'd be frightened." " You might have been blown to pieces!" "I'm terribly sorry, there's no sugar." "I stupidly left it in the hut." "I brought a blanket, though." "You were very, very foolish, Godfrey." "Damn brave, all the same." "A man of steel, just like I always said." "The water's getting awfully close, sir." "Taffy, you go back and shine the light." "Wilson and I will drag him on the blanket." "All right." "Spread the weight about in case you go over a deep one." "I'll carry on with the prodding in case you missed one, sir." "All right, son, here we go." " Right, Sergeant, one, two, three...heave!" " Oh!" "I'll be glad when Mum gets a poultice on it." " Heave!" " It was sticking right in, you know." " Heave!" " It was all rusty an' all." " Heave!" " It'd be a pity if I died from lockjaw now." "Do be quiet!" "I think I've struck something, sir." " Let me through." " Right, sir." " Let's have a look." " Hey-hey." "I forgot." "Sorry, sir." "There's something there all right." "What are you doing there, praying to Mecca?" "Stand quite still." "You could be blown sky-high." "What?" "This is the Engineer officer who laid the mines and it's all clear 'ere." "Oh, yes, it's all clear 'ere...here." "We didn't lay any in this part." "You're a right fool down there with your little bayonet poking about." "You could have marched a regiment across." "The mines stopped 200 yards up the beach." " In that case, what's this?" " Oh." "Gawd blimey, it's a mine!" "A right one you are!" "All right, stay where you are, everybody." "Don't panic." "Don't panic!" "Keep still, Jones!" "You got me into this, now get me out of it!" "Stand absolutely still." "Nobody move an inch." " What do you suggest we do after that?" " Well...could you lend me your bayonet?" "# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think we're on the run?" "# We are the boys who will stop your little game" "# We are the boys who will make you think again" "# 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think old England's done?" "# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21" "# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun" "# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think old England's done?" "#" "# A room with a view and you" "# No one to worry us, no one to hurry us" "# Through this dream we've found" "# We'll bill and we'll...coo... #" "Hello, sir." "Wasn't expecting you until tomorrow morning." "No, I didn't go to London after all." " Lodge meeting cancelled?" " No, my wife didn't want to be alone all night." " I see." " These air raids trouble the womenfolk." " Of course they do." " Yes." " Time for parade?" " Erm...just about, sir." "Yes." " Right." " Th-there's no need for you to stay." " We weren't expecting you." " That's all right." "Give them some map reading and I'll give a lecture on the future conduct of the war." " I could do that for you." " What do you know about that?" "Well, I could manage." "You could run off home if you like, sir." " You trying to get rid of me?" " Oh, no, of course not." " Uncle..." " Yes." " Hello." "I didn't think you'd be here." " Evidently not." "Where's your uniform?" "Me mum's put it in the washtub." " What?" " She said it smelled of bleach." "Of course it smells of bleach." "That's the mustard gas." "Go and grab your bowler hat or she'll have that in the tub an' all." " Get that uniform here by tomorrow night." " Yes, sir." "(PHONE RINGS)" " See who that is." " Yes, of course, yes, yes." " Hello." " Er, Wilson..." "Wilson..." "How many times do I have to tell you not to say "hello"?" "Announce yourself." "Officially." ""This is No.1 Company, B Platoon, Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard." ""Platoon Sergeant Wilson."" "Right, sir." "This is No.1 Platoon, B Company, Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard, and this Platoon Sergeant Wilson speaking." "Oh, hel-lo!" "Awfully nice to hear from you again." "Been a long time, hasn't it?" "It is ridiculous, yes." " Look, let's try and get together again soon..." " Who is it?" "Who is it?" "It's your wife, sir." "Hello, Elizabeth." "Yes." "But I did give Empress her milk this morning." "Yes." "Yes, I put her out." "What?" "Of course I'm not mistaken." "I remember distinctly." "She..." "She didn't particularly want to go." "I did." "I shouted goodbye from the kitchen door, dear." "Well, you don't like me walking across the parquet in my military boots." " (WILSON CHUCKLES)" " Just a moment." " Wilson." " Sir?" " Go and get the men on parade." " Right, sir, right." "Yes." "Hello?" "Er...no, I haven't seen Corporal Jones yet, no." "But I will, all in good time." "You must realise, dear, it's difficult asking for under-the-counter oxtail and still trying to keep discipline in the platoon." "I do think you're being a little unreasonable about this..." "Ooh!" " Are the men ready for inspection?" " Yes." "One or two are missing, though." " Well, call the roll." " Right, sir." "Jones, would you call the roll?" "Right, Sergeant, right." "Agnew?" "Not here." "Hardcastle?" "Not here." "Godfrey?" "Not here." "Jones?" "Not here." "Oh, yes, sir, I'm here." "Jones?" "Sir!" "Jones?" "What's going on here?" "Well, I'm afraid there's a slight touch of absenteeism, sir, without leave." "There jolly well is!" "What's the explanation?" "Where is everybody?" "Well...er..." "I'd rather not say, sir." " What are you talking about?" " It would be sneaking." "Sneaking?" "I don't want any of that public school rubbish here." "I demand to know their whereabouts." "They're..." "They're in the pub, sir, playing darts." " They're what?" " Playing darts against the ARP wardens." " You gave them permission?" " Well, I...said I didn't think it was a good idea and if it was all the same to them, I would rather that they didn't." "They thought they'd get away with it, but I knew you'd be suspicious as soon as you heard the words "fall in"." " Thank you very much." " Thank you." " Back to your place." " Very good, sir." "This is absurd!" "The moment my back is..." "I'll pretend that this parade was called for ten minutes later." " You have ten minutes to get them back." " Yes." " Right." "Off you go." "Move." " Right, sir." "Wilson?" "I said move." " I am moving, sir." " Well, move faster." "Very glad to see you here, Pike." " Oh, my mum doesn't like me going into pubs." " Quite right." "Jones, as usual, you put duty first and didn't join the team." "I wasn't picked." "There we are, 47." "Chalk it up, Mr Godfrey." "That's 58 to the wardens, and the Home Guard still on 301." "Cor blimey, isn't it about time you fellas got started?" "Get a double, otherwise they'll whitewash us." "Whist, whist, Joe." "You're putting me off." "Did you ever do any better?" "Would you like me to move the board a bit nearer?" " Hello, Mave!" "You're late tonight." " I had to get Frank off to his parade." " Is Arthur here?" " No, he's minding the shop up the drill hall." "What's Pikey's mum doing with the warden?" "How long's this been going on?" "Dissipation is eating through the land like..." "Like worms in a coffin lid." " Should be interesting." " Er...you know, I think perhaps it wasn't..." "It wasn't such a good idea after all, you know, to...to miss the parade." "You know what he's like." "He gets awfully..." " Mavis." "What a surprise!" " Yes, isn't it?" " Yes, it is." "I..." "I..." " Here you are, gin and tonic." "You all right?" "And don't get all Nelly Dean like you did last week." "'Scuse me, mate." "Ooh, cor blimey!" "How d'you do?" "Mavis, do you...do you know this...this fellow?" " He looks after me from time to time." " What?" " He looks after you?" "What does that mean?" " You've got to help me." " Say the drink's from you." " What for?" " If he finds out we're going out, he'll kill me." " Yon sergeant?" "He couldn't punch a hole in a new-laid egg." "Couldn't he?" " Oi!" " You talking to me?" " You should be back at the hall, playing soldiers." " I'm here to fetch the men." "They're not coming." "Us wardens are winning, so go and present your arms somewhere else." " I don't think I like your tone." " No?" "Try this one." "(BLOWS RASPBERRY)" "That was really rather vulgar, I think." "Bloody awful, that was." " You'd better come home with me at once." " He's bought me a drink." " I'd like to finish it, if you don't mind." " All right, yes." "Yes." "If you wish." "Yes, I suppose..." "Yes." "Yes." "I suppose so." "Well...well..." "I'll see you later." " Right-o, sarge." " See you later." "That was interesting." "Makes me sick." "To hell with a man that won't fight for his woman." " I saw him off all right, didn't I?" " Yes." "And we'll continue the game when your hands stop shaking." "Elizabeth?" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Er..." "I was just going to explain that when you slammed the receiver down." "When you PUT the receiver down, then." "I've not seen him yet." "I've a disciplinary crisis on my shoulders." "I..." "How long do you want the man to continue maintaining his weapon, sir?" "It's all right, Jones, he can stop now." "Er..." "Jones..." " Sir?" " Jones, I...um..." "I wanted a little word with you." " Er...sit down, sit down." " Thank you, sir." "Being a butcher, your business life must be rather difficult at the moment." "It is, it is, sir." "Everyone wants a bit under the counter." "Yes, I'm sure they do." "If I could tell you some of the things I've been offered for a bit on the side, it'd make your hair stand on end." "Yes, I'm sure it would." "Though mind you, I couldn't take advantage of half of 'em." " Not even if I was so inclined." " No." "Well, as you know, I..." "I..." "I...never ask any favours." " But, erm..." " I don't follow you, sir." "Well, it's just this...ridiculous urge that Mrs Mainwaring has conceived for oxtail." "You know how women are, from time to time." "You mean, er, like pickles, sir?" " Pickles?" " Yes, sir." "Pickles." " I don't quite follow." " At certain times, ladies take a fancy to pickles." " Do they?" " Yes, sir." "She doesn't want pickles, she wants oxtail." "She shall have one, sir." "The finest one in my cold room, and I'll deliver it personally." " That's very kind." "Thank you, Corporal." " This is an exciting bit of news, sir." " What is?" " Well, you know," "Mrs Mainwaring fancying a bit of oxtail, if you know what I mean." "I wouldn't have said it was particularly exciting." "At any rate, it must be very unexpected." "Not really." "It's just that she gets like that from time to time." "Excuse me asking, sir, but...how is it you've never had any?" "I don't know." "I suppose I've never wanted to ask for your help before." "(PHONE RINGS)" "HQ..." "Elizabeth?" "Yes..." "Oh, I've got very good news for you, my dear." "Yes, your troubles are over." "And Mr Jones is going to deliver it himself." " Right, thank you very much." "That's all." " Thank YOU very much, sir, thank you." "Ah, there you are." "Right." "Get the men on parade." " What was that?" " Get the men on parade." "The men..." "Oh, yes, the men." "Yes, of course." "Yes, I..." "I..." "Yes, well, I'm not sure that they're here yet." "You came away without them?" " I suppose I must have done." " Didn't you tell them?" " I think so." " That's what you went for!" "You see, this fellow Hodges, this warden fellow..." "He was giving Mavis drinks, and he said last week she was Nelly Dean..." " I beg your pardon?" " And then he made a rude noise." "A rude noise." "I think your mind's wandering, Wilson." "You're letting it dwell too much on unhealthy things." "I'll give you one more chance." "I'm going back to the pub with you." "If we don't get the men back here, you'll be relieved of your command and under open arrest." " Corporal Jones?" " Sir." " You're coming with us to the public house." " Thank you very much, sir." "It could well be that destiny is moving in your direction." " Look who's coming." " I'm in the mood for 'im." "If you're here to break up the game, think again, 'cause they're not coming." "I've nothing to say to you, so kindly mind your own business." "Walker." "Do that tunic up." " You're a disgrace." " We thought you were in London." " Do as Daddy says, do your tunic up." " Will you be quiet?" "Now, listen, men." "I don't know if this is deliberate disobedience or just a misunderstanding." "But you're all absent off parade." "Double up and fall in outside." " It's one game all." "You're not leaving." " Oh, yes, they are." "Well, sir, it's a little bit difficult." "We promised him a game." "War is more important than games." "Yeah, but the Nazis aren't coming just this minute." "We've got half an hour or so." " We're finishing the game." " Yeah, like Drake." "If the bells ring, I'll send them round in time for the battle." "We'll bring our darts." "We're...not coming, sir." "Don't speak to me like that." "Fall in outside." "You cannae make us." " Private Godfrey?" " He's not coming either." " Well, sir, I..." " Don't rat on us, you blackleg!" "I think you've taken leave of your senses." "Anyway... ..if you're back in the next five minutes, we'll say no more." " Get off your high horse and have a pint." " Have a couple of jars and we'll go together." "Come on, Wilson." "They've had too much to drink or they wouldn't be behaving this way." " Corporal Jones." " I've got a pint coming up." "Jones!" "Mavis..." "I really would like you to come back with me now, please." "What would I do then?" "Watch you lot playing soldiers?" " Wilson..." " Yes...?" "Right, sir, I'm coming." "That's got rid of him." "It's one game all." "Here we go, then." "That's it." " Ah..." " (WARDEN) I'm shooting for a double." "I'm not sure we've done the right thing." " He was a bit put out." " He's nothing but a bag of wind." "I don't like to let him down." "He wouldn't let me down." "I'd rather go back." "No, you don't!" "We're in this together and we'll see it through together." "I won't see any creeper crawling back." "Hang on." "I think we ought to stick together." "I'm sorry." "That sort of talk doesn't influence me." "I have to do what is right." " You blackleg!" " Don't say that." "Don't call him that." "Are you gonna play or stand there blathering?" "Come on, Joe, it's your go." "Yeah, all right, come on." "We'll play darts." "There you go." "This whole thing is totally beyond my comprehension, Wilson." "I mean...fancy the men not wanting to come on parade." "I mean, it's the highlight of my day." "Do you know, whilst I'm having my tea," "I can feel the excitement mounting inside me." "I put on my uniform and march down here, and I feel pride in what we're doing and what we've achieved." "We're doing something for England." "This platoon we've worked for months to mould into a...into an efficient fighting body is stuck in a bar, drunk, whingeing." "What?" "Walker...with a cigarette drooping from his mouth, collar wide open, like a lounge lizard." "I just..." "I..." "I don't understand it." "Do you?" "Mm?" " I don't understand it." "Do you?" " No, I..." "I can't understand what she sees in him." "He's such a coarse sort of man, don't you think?" "Coarse." "You haven't heard one word I've been saying." "I'm afraid I've got bad news, sir." "Those absentees, sir, are still unpresent." "They've got to be taught a lesson." "I'd like to teach them a lesson." "Put them on a fizzer." " We can't do that!" " Well, give them some field punishment." "We could tie them to the wheels of a gun carriage." " We don't have one." " Take away their privileges." "We haven't got any." " We can give them some, then take them away." " (PHONE RINGS)" " See who that is." " I expect it's your wife." "Oh, no." "That'll be the last straw." "Look here, Elizabeth, I really must ask you not..." "What, sir?" "I beg your pardon. (COUGHS)" "Great Scott!" "Yes." "Yes, of course." "You can rely on us for every support possible." "I'll send every available man I have." "All right." "Leave the matter in my hands." "Right." "Bye." "This would happen now." " An IRA suspect located in Ivy Crescent." " That's a police job." "Well, it would be normally, yes." "Apparently he's armed." "The police have no weapons." "They need our support." "They shall have it." "We shall be there, we shall be there..." " Shall I run to the pub and get the others, sir?" " No." "Three loyal men are worth 100 backsliders." "No, no." "We'll march alone." "What did he say about the backsides?" "What was that?" " This is it. 27." " Where's that police squad, then?" " They're supposed to be here." " The Home Guard?" " Yes." "Captain Mainwaring." " I'm a policeman." "How do you do?" " Where's your squad?" " I'm the only one they could spare." " There isn't a raid on." "Where's the rest of them?" " Playing darts." "Against the Free French." "The sergeant would've called it off, only he don't know the French for "cancelled"." "I see." "We'll just have to see it through ourselves." "Best be careful." "They can be pretty ugly customers and he's armed an' all." "We're not worried about arms." "We shall be using ju-jitsu." "Now...when he comes out, you see, I shall grab his arm." "Jones will kneel down here to trip him up." "Not now, not now!" "Pike, you'll dive in and get him in a lock." " What sort of lock?" " What about this one, sir?" "Lucky for you I didn't counter that or you'd be flat on your back by now." "Right." "Here we go." " Now, take this gun." " Right, sir." " Stand over there." " Right." " Don't shoot unless it's absolutely necessary." " Right, sir." "Remember this man is British...basically." "Sir, you ought to ring again." "He might be listening to Lord Haw Haw or Vera Lynn." " He's coming." " Stand by." " Here, what am I supposed to do?" " Arrest him, of course." "Right, here we go!" "Right!" "Oh, oh...!" "Hey, it's Mr Mainwaring!" "There, there." "It's an awful mischief you'll do yourself if you're not more careful." " And at your time of life an' all." " Grab him before he gets his gun." " Let go of my arm." "Let go." " I've got 'im!" "Don't you try any more tricks." "What tricks would I be playing?" "I am a God-fearing man and a faithful servant of His Holiness the Pope." "Your name Patrick Regan?" "Ah, now...now...now, that would be me twin brother you're talking about." " Are you after him again?" " He's bluffing, Constable." " Take him to the station." " We can't." " It was bombed the night before last." " So it was." " Where can we take him?" " We can hang him on a hook in my cold room." " They'll pick him up from your HQ." " Right, we'll take him there." "Wilson, keep in behind." " Try anything and it'll be the worse for you." " What would I be trying?" "I don't blame you for being cautious." "My twin's a terrible rough man." "If I had been him, you'd have been in mortal danger." "We've had enough blarney out of you." "Quick march." "Left, right, left, right...!" "Double four, then." "That's it!" " Talk about jammy." " Two pints all round!" "Where's your share, Taffy?" " (WARDEN) Lovely!" " Sorry, the beer's off!" "Cor blimey!" "After bashing the daylights out of 'em?" "That is bad luck." " Never mind." "Another time." " Oh, no." "No. no." "Gambling debts have to be paid on the spot, or not at all." "Take the barrel in the kitchen and put it through the mangle." "Sorry, boys." "There's a war on." "I'm worried about Mainwaring." "Let's go and finish off the parade." " You've the heart of a coward." " No, I don't like to see him upset." "I'm coming too, 'cause I can't wait to see his face when he hears we beat his precious troops." " Come on." " Arthur'll be there!" "Who cares about 'im?" "Come on!" "Right, bring him in here." "Sit down there and behave yourself." "Listen here, buddy." "One false move, and you'll be wearing a wooden overcoat." " Pike?" " Yes, boss?" "Don't be silly." "You've a desperate band of men, General." "On the way here, I had a feeling we were being followed." "Don't be neurotic, Wilson." " Constable, go and look for the wagon." " Yes." "Oh, here's your gun back." "Where is he, then?" " Where is he, then?" " Pardon me?" "Where is who?" "The military man who's laid hands on Pat O'Regan." "I'll paper the walls with his guts." "Oh, I see." "He's at the side of the stage, in one of the dressing rooms." "Come on, boys." " Oh, good evening, Captain." " Where've you been?" "First I should tell there are three Irishmen out there who say they'll do awful things to you." " Seamus, I'm in here." " Get him, Pike!" "Do that again and you'll get this up you, and you will not like it." " Give me the gun." " I haven't got the gun." " I gave it to you." " I must've given it back." " Shut that door." " I have." " The key." " I don't have it." " I've locked it." " Good." " Run like the wind and get the others." " Yes, sir." "Weren't three loyal men better than 100 on their backside?" "Don't talk rubbish!" "Go on." " Open up, misbegotten sons of Britannia." " That's enough of that." " Surrender in the name of the King." " Stuff the KingI" " Come in." " I've locked him in the hall, sir." " Quick thinking." " If I hadn't, he'd have done for you." " I'm very grateful." "When the vicar finds out, there'll be a rumpus." "It's a misuse of the hall." " Can't talk now." " You said it's for parades..." "You're a troublemaker!" "I'm not a troublemaker." "You are." " YOU'RE the troublemaker." " The pair of you are troublemakers." "Mind your own business!" "(POUNDING ON DOOR)" "Look out!" " Sorry we're late." " They were on their way." " I've told them all to report for duty." " Good." "Let's do something." "Open the door, then we will storm in and assault them." "Hang on, I ought to go first." "I volunteer to be first." " You can't go first." " All right..." "Let Walker go first." " Ready?" " Aye." "Right, open the door." "In we go!" "(PHONE RINGS)" "Hello." "Mrs Mainwaring, I'm afraid he's rather occupied at the moment." "He's awfully busy." "See you later." "Goodbye." " What's going on?" " Where's Frank?" "(MAVIS) Frank!" " He's got my bayonet!" "He took my bayonet!" " (POUNDING ON DOOR)" "Open the door!" "That's softened them up a bit." " He's hurt!" " I'm bleeding!" " Do something!" " All right!" "Jonesy, will you open that door?" " Just open the door." " What are you doing?" "(PUNCHING AND GROANING)" "Good God!" " I'd never have believed it." " Just clear off, will you?" "Yes, I will!" "I could do with an early night." " We could all do with an early night." " Well, I'd like a few drinks." "Well, men." "We've all had a good early night." "And none of us is the worse for our experiences." "I am proud of the way you tackled an extremely dangerous task." "As for the other lapse, we'll forget that because I don't suppose it will happen again." " Sir, you can rely on us." " I was against it from the very start." "There is one other thing I'd like to mention." "That is this." "Owing to a misunderstanding between Corporal Jones and myself, rumours have been circulating regarding my wife's condition." "They are quite untrue." "We've never been blessed that way, but in every other way, it's been a most happy marriage." "In fact, almost blissful." "(PHONE RINGS)" " Would you like me to answer, sir?" " No, thank you, Sergeant." "It'll probably be for me." "# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think we're on the run?" "# We are the boys who will stop your little game" "# We are the boys who will make you think again" "# 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think old England's done?" "# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21" "# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun" "# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think old England's done?" "#" "To wage war successfully, every commander in the field should put himself in the enemy's shoes and see the situation from their point of view." "So, I ask myself, if I were in Adolf's shoes, what would Adolf be thinking?" "He'd be wondering what you were doing with his shoes on!" "Amusing, Walker, but it doesn't help." "Sir, he'd probably be thinking, "I wonder what they've been up to."" "Quite right, Corporal, and what have we been up to since Dunkirk?" "He'd have to come and look to find out." "Hey, that air-raid warden in Gardenia Gardens looks like Herr Hitler." "No, Pike, I don't think Hitler would come personally." "Why not?" "Hess did." "I think he'd send a recce party in a submarine or..." "Hess was an entirely different case." "Or send a swift, silent surface craft." " Canoes!" " I beg your pardon?" "Canoes." "They might come across in them." "We're talking about Nazis, not Apache Indians!" "I always thought Apache were French dancers." "The ones where the gentlemen throw the lady around rather badly." "I never liked them." "There were a couple of Apache dancers on the bill with Nellie Wallace." "He treated her with disdain and threw her towards the trombone player." "She was very haughty and had very big thighs and long black silk stockings." " Big thighs...?" "Big thighs..." " Yes, big thighs, and she used to do a lot of..." "All right, all right, I think we're wandering from the point a bit." "Let Captain Mainwaring get back into Hitler's shoes." "The obvious place for a recce would be in the estuary, here." "I have permission to set up an observation post in the lighthouse, here." "Permission to interfere, sir?" "The lighthouse is not being used any more and therefore it's closed and not open." "They used it when yon convoy came through." "That's quite right, Frazer, it is used on special occasions." "They're quite happy for us to set up a guard post in here from time to time." " This evening, Corporal Jones..." " Sir?" "You, with your section, will rendezvous at the Jolly Roger ice-cream parlour, here on the end of the jetty, and when the tide is low you will cross the causeway here, and once inside the lighthouse you will open these sealed orders." " Understood?" " Thank you, sir." "One question, sir." "After I've opened the sealed orders, what shall I do?" "Read them very carefully." "Right, that's all." "Dismissed." "Quick as you can, outside, quick as you can." "That's right." "Godfrey." "Excuse me, sir, I won't be able to go along tonight as I'm delivering essential supplies." " I've heard of these "essential supplies"." " This is vital...for the hospital...the nurses." "Not elastic again, is it?" " No, it's hairpins." " Oh, really, Walker!" "Straight up." "Their hair keeps falling in the operations and the surgeon's a bit of a fusspot." "I'll report back as soon as I've finished." "This won't do, Walker." "A parade is a parade." " I might bring that bottle of whisky for you." " Oh, never mind that." "Just get back here as soon as you can." "By the way, Bert's fixed the Lewis gun." "15 bob, no questions asked." " I'll bring it when I come back." " Splendid." " I'll bring you back that whisky an' all." " Right, off you go." " Rough diamond, isn't he?" " Ye-es." " Heart of gold, of course." " Yes, of course, yes." "# When the lights go on again all over the world #" "(JONES) Left, right, left, right, left, right." "Mark time!" "Open door!" "Forward!" "Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right." "Mark time!" "Squad, halt!" "Right turn!" "Stand at ease!" "Right, I'm now going to take out the sealed orders, and having taken out the sealed orders, I am going to unseal them." "Having unsealed them, I am going to read them to you." "You will pay attention." "While you're opening the sealed orders, might I be excused?" " No, no, you've got to wait." " It's a long way down." "Yeah." "Here we are." ""Orders for section on watch at the lighthouse." " "You will commence duty at 2,000 hours." - 20.00 hours." " Silence!" " (MUTTERS)" ""You will commence duty at 20.00 hours." ""Two, you will keep a strict lookout for any fifth columnists," ""spies or saboteurs infiltrated up the estuary."" " What do we do if we see any?" " Tell me." "I'm your commander." "I'll tell Mr Mainwaring." "He's my commander." "And he will tell his commander and his commander will tell...somebody else." " May I be excused now?" " No, you've got to wait." "Here we are. "Guards will not be relieved until 08.00 hours."" " We'll revise platoon advance to "contact"..." " Yes." " Ah!" "Glad I caught you, and you." " We're busy, Mr Hodges." "What do you want?" "For two weeks I've had serious reports from my warden on this street." "You've been flashing lights from this hall on 27 separate occasions." "That's three more than 17 Pembroke Gardens, and they were enemy aliens." " I can't accept that." " One more infringement from these premises," " you'll be up before the magistrate." " You've no authority over the military." "Military?" "That's a laugh for a start." "Mainwaring, if you think you can strut around like Lord Muck, you can't!" "I'm in charge of this sector and I'm warning you!" "Put that finger down and get out of my headquarters." "I'm going, but you've had your warning - your last warning." "One more flash out of you and you'll have a policeman feeling your collar." " Corporal Jones?" " What?" "Do you think Mr Godfrey's all right?" "He's been gone a long time." "He's all right." "There's a lot of steps, isn't there?" " There's always a lot of steps in a lighthouse." " He's been gone a quarter of an hour." "He'll get halfway up and have to start down again." "Why don't you pop down and see how he's getting on?" "Mm, all right." "Hang on." "Did you lock and bar the door to the rock when we came up?" "No, it's open, I think." "Aa-aah." "Well, then, wild horses wouldnae drag me down there before dawn." " Why not, Mr Frazer?" " Sit down and I'll tell ye." "Because of something that happened to my old school friend Willie." "He was keeper of the light on the Fair Loch rock." "A wild, lonely storm-wracked cliff it is, I tell ye, and many a tall ship has gone to its cold, watery grave... pounding on those granite boulders." "One night - it was such a night as this - when the wind was wailing mournfully in the rigging..." " Mr Frazer, lighthouses don't have rigging." " This one did." "Willie started down the stairs to bring up a new wick for the lamp." "Near the bottom, something made him stop." "Below in the gloom, he could hear a low, painful moan, and a...slithering..." "Something was moving in the dark." "Willie started back upstairs." "20 steps up he stopped and turned." "He could see nothing." "But the dark was darker and the moan was moaning louder and the slithering was coming nearer and nearer." "Willie didn't hesitate, he scrambled up the stairs, up and up he went, higher and higher till his lungs were...gasping and his heart was thumping out of his body." "He darenae stop, because he knew that the thing was behind him!" "He reached the top, and with one desperate effort he flung himself into the lamp house and threw himsel' against the door!" "Holding his breath, he listened." "Aa-aah!" "There it was..." "Unmistakable..." "The thing was on the other side... trying to get in...trying to get in...!" " (URGENT KNOCKING)" " Aah!" " It can't get in!" "It can't get in!" " Wheesht!" "Quiet, the both of ye." " Listen." " (GODFREY) Would somebody open the door?" "Godfrey!" "(HUMMING)" " Oh, hello." " Hello, Mr Albert, didn't expect to see you." " I was going to leave a note." " Anything important?" "There's been a bit of a blitz on blackouts." "The police have been complaining to the bigwigs at HQ, who've sent it to me." "We don't have much bother on the harbour front." " Fancy a cup?" " Don't mind if I do." "Anyway, watch the blackouts, won't you?" "Two lumps, please." " Mr Jones?" " Yeah?" "If we do go downstairs, we won't see Willie's slithery thing, will we?" "No, of course we won't." " I'm going to stay up here." "Aren't you?" " As long as possible." " If we go, we'll go together." " That'll be nice." " Yes." " We can take a rifle and a candle." " If we see the slithery thing we can shoot it." " We'll fix bayonets an' all." "Yeah." "I don't suppose slithery things like it up 'em any more than fuzzy-wuzzies do." "You can't beat the old steel, you know, Pikey." " I wish Uncle Arthur was with us." "Don't you?" " No, I wish we was with him." " I say..." " (BOTH) Aah...!" "I'm sorry, Mr Godfrey." "I was just wondering, if we saw spies, how could we tell Captain Mainwaring?" "I suppose we'll have to use our initiative." "Failing that, there's a telephone on the wall." "Yes...that's what I mean...use our initiative..." "and that telephone on the wall." " Is it working?" " I don't know." "We'll have to try it, won't we?" "That's the best thing." "We'll try it, yes." "We'll try it." "Hello?" "Jones the butcher here." "Hello?" "It's dead." " Dead?" " We're cut off!" "Stay calm!" "We're cut off!" "Stay calm!" "The slithery thing has wrapped itself round the wire!" "No, you idiot!" " Perhaps they hadn't paid the bill." " Lighthouses dinnae get bills!" "My sister forgot to pay the bill once and we were cut off." "We didn't know for over two weeks because few people ring us." " There's a light switch." " Don't touch that, we're not blacked out!" "We can shade it long enough to have a quick keek." "All right, then, here we go." "The electricity is cut off!" "Keep calm!" "Keep calm!" " It's the slithery thing!" " Shut up!" "Shut up!" "Wait a minute, wait a minute, it's the main switch." "I'll do the main switch." "(WHIRR OF MOTOR)" "That's the slithery thing!" "It is, it's the slithery thing!" "I'm beginning to feel a little frightened." " Look!" " It was nae slithery thing." "It was the generator!" "It's all right, men, it's only the generator." "Only the generator." "Only..." "Oh, blimey!" "Anyway, you can read the instructions all right now." " What about the blackout?" " Oh, better turn it off." "Quick." "Yeah, I'd better turn it off." "I'm now going to turn it off...turn it off." "Right." "They used to have a time switch in "The Phantom Light" with Gordon Harker." "We cannae keep looking for switches." "It's lighting up the whole coast!" "You've got to act, man." "That's right, Frazer, a bit of action, yes." "Pikey, go on looking for switches and Frazer and I, we'll...do something else." "Wait a minute..." "I know!" "We'll fix bayonets." "Fix bayonets..." "Here, you're not going to charge the damn thing, are you?" " I'm in command." "You fix bayonets." " Right." "My sister broke a 40-watt bulb once, accidentally." "It made an awful bang." "Break that and it'll blow us all into the sea!" "Listen, Godfrey, you give me your blanket." "We'll fix one corner to my bayonet and the other corner to Frazer's bayonet." " Ah!" " Right." "That's right." " Stick it on the top." " Right." "Right." "Ready?" "Lift it up and follow me." "Wait for the light." "Here we go..." "Left, right, left, right..." "Left, right, left, right, left, right..." " That's cleared up the bumph for the time being." " Good." "These brass heads from the War Office certainly like their...red tape, don't they?" " Yes, they certainly do, sir." " Makes it hard for the front-line fighting troops." "This front-line fighting troop's going to have an early night, sir." "Yes, why not?" " See you anon." " What are you doing, Wilson?" " That's funny..." " I don't find it funny." "Switch the light on." "Come outside, sir." "Come on." "Look." "What do you make of that?" "Over there." "It's only the lighthouse." "Probably a special convoy going through." "Good heavens!" "It's Jones's section." "Is it possible that somebody might be meddling with something that doesn't concern them?" " Get to the harbour at once, Wilson." " All right, sir." " That was a real good cup of tea." " Walker from the Home Guard got it for us." "Walker?" "I wouldn't have touched it if I'd known." "Since the Luftwaffe haven't honoured us with their presence, I'll pop off home." " Goodnight, Mr Albert." " Night." "Mr Albert?" "Mr Albert?" "I haven't been notified that they were flashing tonight." "The Home Guard went out at low tide." " Not Mainwaring's mob?" " That old lance corporal fella." "Ruddy hooligans!" "Put that light out!" "Put that ruddy light out!" " They can't hear you." " I'll make them." "Put that light out!" " Don't worry." " I'll get Mainwaring on the phone, I'll tell him!" "I'll tell Headquarters!" "I'll have him busted." "Put that light out!" "I can't keep this up much longer." " Right-o, Frazer, stand by next time round." " Right." "It's like the ruddy..." "The light, come on." "Left, right, left, right..." "Pick 'em up, pick 'em up, pick 'em up...!" " Hold back!" " What's your game, Frazer?" "When I say, "Left, right, pick 'em up," I mean, pick..." "It's stuck." "Look at this." "You've clogged the cogs." "Well, we don't have to go on running round like squirrels in a cage any more." "Doesn't Walmington look pretty all lit up?" " Blimey!" " It's stuck right across the town!" "It's a good job the siren hasn't gone." "(SIREN)" "I don't think Mr Mainwaring is going to be very pleased with us." "(SIREN CONTINUES)" "It seems to have stopped going round and round, sir." " This is damn serious, Wilson." " Yes." "It's lighting up the whole town!" "We're a sitting target for every Jerry plane within 50 miles." "That fool Mainwaring isn't even in his headquarters." "Look!" "Your lot have done that!" "The whole town lit up like Blackpool illuminations and now Jerry's arrived!" " I'm aware of the situation." " What are you going to do?" " We must get out there." " We can't." "The tide's in." " The causeway's submerged." " Get a boat." " You'd be dashed to pieces on the rocks!" " We can try." " Come on, Wilson, get a lifebelt." " You can't do it." "Let them be dashed to pieces, serves them right!" " You can't do it." " There's no such word as can't." "If the spirit is willing, there's nothing can stop us." " There isn't a boat." " Ah." "That is rather an obstacle." "Well, we must find some other way." "A pound to a penny, he'll try and walk on the water." "What a lark, old Jonesy up the creek without a paddle and no mistake." " We have to put that light out somehow." " Shoot it." " What?" " He's got a Lewis gun." "Shoot it out." " Can't do that." " You mean you couldn't hit it." "One of our men might get hit!" "But the town, the women and children, the bombs raining down on them?" " They're not raining down." " They will be any minute." "If you won't, I will." "Give us that gun." "(ALL SHOUT AT ONCE)" "Oh!" "I'm dizzy, get us a chair." "I'm going to have one of my turns." "Come and sit down." "Behave yourself." "Keep quiet." "I know a bloke at the power station." "See him right, he'll black out the county!" " Mind, the aircraft factory will have to stop." " Don't be ridiculous." "The transformer's round the back." "Let's have a go at that." " If you can't be sensible, keep quiet." " I think that's very sensible." " Oh." " Lead on, Walker." "Take this gun." "We can't leave it with those people." "Right." "You lift this up, you see, hold the blanket up nice and high, and that'll stop the light going over the town, won't it?" " Right, there you are, that's right." " That's quite good." "It doesn't stop it altogether but it's a much softer light." "The other was terribly hard." "Mr Jones, there's steam coming out of the middle of the blanket." "That'll air it." "It's probably a bit damp, you see." "When my mum puts things in front of the fire to air, the steam's white." "That's steaming black." "Blanket on fire!" "Don't panic!" "Don't panic!" "Get the fire extinguisher!" "Oh, dear." "Unfortunately it seems to be locked." "That's easy." "Anyone got a pin?" "You got a hairpin?" " Am I likely to have a hairpin?" " Don't you sell them?" "I'd have to open a new packet." "I'd lose out." " Here, use this paperclip." " Ta." "Here we go." " Turn away, professional etiquette." " (BOTH) Get on with it!" "That's it!" " All we need is the right switch." " There aren't many switches." "There are plenty of wires." "Lend me your tin hat." "Now, please, please...don't... don't..." "Stand clear." "Stand well clear." "(EXPLOSION)" "Now walk away slowly as though nothing happened." " The lights have fused." " Pity that one hasn't!" "Get the hurricane lamps." "Mr Jones, I think I've found another switch." "Well, switch it, Pikey boy, switch it!" "(FOGHORN)" "If they can't see us, they'll hear us!" "Oh, I'll have another pill." "Oh, Gawd blimey, it's Hutch!" " Damn it, the light's still on." " Of course it still is." "It's gone out in there!" "Who's been flashing without my authority?" " Who are you?" " I'm the keeper." "They've no business to flash without my authority." " Can it be turned off from the land?" " Of course not, it's got its own generator." " Why don't we telephone?" " Cut off." "Not manned, you see." " The exchange could reconnect it." " Good thinking." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "I used to live there but me lungs couldn't stand it." "The salt used to get in them." "I used to cough something awful." "Terrible, it was..." "Hello?" "Hello, put me through to the supervisor, will you?" "Can't do that, she goes off at six." "There's only me here." "Then you'll have to deal with it." "Listen very carefully." " Yes." " This is Captain Mainwaring of the Home Guard." " Yes." "Who?" " Mainwaring." "M-A-I-N-W-A-R-I-N-G." " Shall I write that down?" " No, just listen, please." "Yes, sir, Captain, I'm listen..." "I'm speaking to you from the Jolly Roger ice-cream parlour." " That's been shut since the war." " I know it has." "It's an ARP post and I'm speaking from it." " Are you an air-raid warden as well?" " Never mind that." " Connect me to the lighthouse." " I can't, it's cut off." " I know it's cut off." "Can you reconnect me?" " I can't." "You need to talk to the supervisor." "That's who I asked for in the first place." "Oh, just a minute...there's an address here, takes messages for the lighthouse." "Ah, good, that's the ticket." "Give it to me, will you?" " Wilson, put this down, will you?" " All right." "It's the Jolly Roger ice-cream kiosk." " Jolly Roger ice..." " All right, all right." " I'm speaking from there!" " Can't you give them the message, then?" "Come here." "Give it to me, will you?" " Hello, Frieda." " Who's that?" " It's Joe." "Joe Walker." " Ooh, hello, Joe." " Listen, love, stick 73 into 21, will you?" " Ooh, Joe, what are you up to now?" "All right, I'll do it for you." "Hang on." " She's putting you through." " You seem very well informed." "We used to run the brandy from France before the war, in the motorboats." "This bent coastguard would tip us off when they were coming." " Really?" " (PHONE RINGS)" "Telephone." " Jack Jones the butcher." " Corporal Jones?" " Sir." " Captain Mainwaring here." "Listen carefully." "I'm going to give you instructions as to how to turn off the light." " Go down to the generator room." " Go down to the generator room." "Right, sir." "Just a minute, there's more." "Corporal Jones, just a minute." " It's locked." "Do you know where the key is?" " Yes, sir." "Jones, can you hear me?" "I'm going to tell you where the key is." " It's here." " It's here..." "Break the door down and get into the generator room." "Break door down, generator room." "Right, sir, I shall do that right away, sir." "Directly, sir." "We're going to go down and find the generator room, then we're going to find the door of it and break that down and we'll go into the generator room and we'll..." "We're going to stop it." " What about the slithery thing?" " We'll stop that an' all." "Come on." "Come on, Pikey, Frazer." "You stay here, Mr Godfrey." "Listen!" "Listen, I can hear them." "Mainwaring, listen!" " There's hundreds of them." " They're going somewhere else." "When they see this they'll change their minds." "They'll not get another chance like this!" " Jones'll put it out in a minute." " You've got to shoot it out now!" " They'll all be down below now, sir." "You could." " I'll hold off till the last possible minute." " Give me the gun, Walker." " Sir." "Look, Mr Jones, I'm making a rabbit." "It's the biggest one you ever saw." "It's all over Walmington." "They're practically overhead." "For Gawd's sake shoot it out!" "Now I'm making a bird." "It's going right up and down the High Street." "What a pity there's no one here to see it." "There's one caught in the searchlight." "Shoot, you bloody fool, or it'll be murder!" " I think you could, sir." "Go on." " All right." "Here goes." "Oh, dear, what a pity." "I was enjoying that." "Blimey, that was a near thing." "You haven't heard the last of this." "Sir, I can't understand why we just don't concentrate on guarding things, as opposed to getting mixed up with all these absurd operations." "Nonsense." "By doing this we've encountered difficulties and we've triumphed over them and we're better soldiers for it." "We've been enriched by the experience." "When that bill comes in for that electric thing, we'll all be a lot poorer." "Oh, no." "No, there's not a shred of evidence to connect us with it." "(WALKER CLEARS HIS THROAT)" "# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think we're on the run?" "# We are the boys who will stop your little game" "# We are the boys who will make you think again" "# 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think old England's done?" "# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21" "# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun" "# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler" "# If you think old England's done?" "#" " What are you going to have, Wilson?" " Toad in the hole, sir." "I think I'll try the fish and potato pie." "We'd better get in the queue before the rush starts." " Soup?" " No, thank you." "Could I have a piece of toad in the hole, please?" "Toad coming up." " One toad." " Thank you." "Could I have just a little bit more toad?" "Only half a toad per portion per person." "There's a war on, you know." "Next." "Fish pie, please." "What sort of fish is it?" " Snoek." " Pardon?" "Snoek." " Could I have toad in the hole instead, please?" " I wish you'd make up your mind." " Carrots and swede?" " Yes, please." "Thank you." " Next." " Fish pie, please." " What sort of fish is that?" " Snoek." "Can I have the toad in the hole instead?" "Cor blimey!" "Another one." "I'm not having this old lark." "Listen!" "The fish pie's snoek, got it?" "Snoek!" "Next." " Bread pudding?" "With or without?" " With, please." " Hey!" "I saw that." " I beg your pardon?" "Don't you come that la-di-da talk with me." "Put that slice back." "You're only allowed one." " Don't forget there's a war on." " I'm not likely to, am I?" " And take your dirties back to the hatch." " I always do." "Oh, no, you don't!" "You left them on that table yesterday." "I haven't got time to clear up your dirties." " Now, look here..." " Go and sit down." "You're making an exhibition of yourself." " Bread pudding?" " No, just the custard, please." "I have to watch my figure, you know." "You've got a nice figure." "My friend and I think you look like a great big teddy bear, don't we?" "Oh, yes." "Just like a great big cuddly teddy bear." "(LAUGHS)" "Do you really think so?" "I'm sorry." "Is my steak ready, Doreen?" " Oh, yes." "Go and get Mr Walker's steak, Betty." " Coming up." "Mr Walker's steak?" " Here you are." " Ta, love." " What are you doing with that steak, Walker?" " I'm gonna eat it." "There's two weeks' meat ration there." "I've got toad in the hole." "You wanna watch that." "That can be very nasty." " Why have you got steak?" " I brought it in and they cooked it for me." "By the way, I've got your elastic here." "Don't want 'em falling' down on the job, do we?" "Just take for the tea, will you, love?" "Look here, Walker." "Flaunting your black market food in here, you'll get the platoon a bad name." "I don't want to be rude, but I'm not in uniform and I'm not on parade." "Also, I'm a customer at your bank and I've got a deposit account with over 1,500 quid in it, so if you don't mind, I'll have me dinner." "Mine's one and two." "To be exact, he's got 1,542." "Find another table, Pike." "Can't have the rank and file eating with us." " Do you want some pickle, Pikey?" " Yes, please." "I haven't seen this since before the war." " Pickle, Mr Mainwaring?" " No, thank you." "Not with toad in the hole." "It's free." " Hello, Pikey." "Hello, Joe." " Hello, mate." "Hello, Mr Mainwaring." "I've come to say goodbye." "Don't tell me you've got your calling-up papers at last, Jonesy (!" ")" "Give those boys hell for me, will you?" "And, Jonesy, if you don't come back, can I have that ten bob you borrowed?" "Don't try and be funny." "If you want that ten shillings, you can have it." " I was only joking." " Sit down." "Everybody's staring at you." "Let them stare." "I wear this uniform with pride, I do." "Careful!" "Those mothballs went in our dinner." "Don't shout - everyone will want one!" " Do sit down." "You're showing us up." " All right, sir." " Where are you going?" " To the 42nd annual reunion for the veterans of the Battle of Omdurman, sir." "Really?" "I served in that campaign with some distinction." "I should have been mentioned in dispatches but they ran out of paper." "That was the last cavalry charge made by the British army." " It was very exciting." "I'll show you..." " Not just now, Jones, please." " Hang on!" "What's your game?" " I'm only going to borrow them." "There were these two huge rocks, you see, huge rocks like that..." "Like that..." "General Kitchener, he was over here, and the mad Mahdi, he was over here." "All of a sudden, there was this great big bugle call." "(TOOTS)" "All these dervishes and all that lot, they come rushing towards us, fuzzy-wuzzies, charging away like anything." "General Kitchener was standing on his horse, or rather sitting on it, as cool as a cucumber." "He said, "Don't shoot till you see the red of their eyes."" " Wasn't it the whites of their eyes?" " Yeah, but he should have said red." "All that dust and sand makes your eyes red." "You get bloodshot eyeballs, you see." "You get a lot of bloodshot eyeballs in the desert." "I don't mean lying around in the sand, I mean attached to the head, you know." " Have you finished with my pickle?" " Not yet." "These dervishes and fuzzy-wuzzies charged at us remorsefully." "We kept repulsing them, then they come at us with those great big choppers." "They were chopping off heads left, right and centre and there was blood everywhere." "And the corpses were ten foot high, they were." "Ooh, it was terrible." "They don't have battles like that any more." "No, I'm afraid they don't." "Well, Mr Mainwaring, I'll leave you to enjoy your dinner." "I seem to have somehow lost my appetite." "Yes, so have I." "We can't waste food in wartime, can we?" "Mr Walker..." " Mind if I have some of your pickle?" " No, no." "You help yourself." "It might help to make it a little more palatable." "(WILSON) Quite." "Yes." "Are you all right, sir?" "What on earth's happened to him?" "What is it, Walker?" " Something in this?" " Hang on. (SNIFFS)" "Gawd!" "I think one of Jonesy's mothballs fell in the pickle, and Mr Mainwaring's just eaten it." "For heaven's sake!" " Excuse me." " Ay-ay!" "What about your dirties?" "Go and take your dirties back to the hatch!" "Just clear away, will you, please?" "Captain Mainwaring, it's to the right, downstairs." "Capitalist lackey!" "# Where are the boys of the old brigade" "# Who fought with us side by side?" "#" "Excuse me, sir." "Private Frazer is outside, waiting to introduce his new recruit, sir." " Bring them in, will you?" " Right, sir." "Frazer, you can bring your friend in now." "Sir, I'd like to introduce Mr George Clarke." "He wants to join our ranks, sir." " Good evening, Mr Clarke." " Good evening, sir." " I'd say you'd served in the army before." " That's correct, sir." "Do you know Mr Clarke well?" "And you've known him for some time?" " Aye, sir." " He's a man of integrity?" "And very generous, sir." "He stood me several drinks in the bar at the Anchor last Thursday." "When did you first meet him?" "In the bar at the Anchor last Thursday." " Tell us about yourself, Mr Clarke." " Well, sir... (WHEEZES AND COUGHS)" "I've been a regular soldier all me life." "I retired ten year ago and have only been in Walmington-on-Sea for a few weeks." " When did you first join the army?" " 44 year ago, sir. 1897." "I served in the Sudan under General Kitchener at the Battle of Omdurman, sir." " Good heavens." "That's a coincidence." " Yes." "I don't suppose you came across a Lance Corporal Jones?" "I can't remember that." "Thousands of men took part in that battle." " I realise that." "I was only joking." " I was in the Warwickshire Regiment." "Jones was in the Warwickshires, sir." "It was a long time ago, but come to think of it, I do seem to remember one Jones." "He was always a bit behind with his drill." " He wasn't a lance corporal, though." " That's him." "He wasnae a lance corporal?" " No, he was just an ordinary private." " Did you hear that, Mr Mainwaring, eh?" "The man's an impostor!" " He never was a lance corporal." "I knew it." " All right, Frazer." "We'll have to wait till tomorrow to see if it's him." "Come half an hour before parade, Clarke." "We'll fit you up with a uniform." "I'll just swear you in." "Hand me the Bible, Wilson." "What Bible?" " A Bible to swear him in with." " I haven't got a Bible." "I remember asking you to bring one along." "The word Bible never passed your lips." "How can I swear him in without the Bible?" "Hurry up." "There's only 20 minutes to parade." "I shan't be a minute, sir." "Haven't you got a pair of braces?" " I wear a belt to keep me trousers up." " You should wear braces," " otherwise you're not dressed right." " In braces, I won't be able to dress right." " Can't you find him a better blouse than that?" " It's the best I can do." "The customer's rather an awkward size." "Alter it, then." "You must be smartly turned out." "This is an efficient unit." " When do I start training, sir?" " You'll have to pick it up as you go along." "This fella Clarke says he knew Jones in the Sudan." "But that was back in 1800 and frozen stiff." "How would he remember?" "This fella says that the Jones he knew was always a beat behind everybody else when they were drilling." "It still doesn't prove anything." "You don't half look rough!" "How did the reunion of the Battle of Omdi-bum-bum go?" " Omdurman!" " I bet you and your mates relived it over again." "We had a very nice time, thank you." "You were drunk, were ye?" "Drunk!" "No, I wasn't drunk." "I just had a rather convivial evening, that's all." "Mr Mainwaring wants to see you in his office." "Hold on." "Come on, boys." "We don't want to miss this." "(MAINWARING) Come in!" " Lance Corporal Jones to see you, sir." " All right, Frazer." "I don't need you to show me in the office." " Evening, sir." " Evening, Corporal." "This is Private Clarke, our new recruit." "How do you do?" "Hello, Jonesy." "Do you remember me?" "No, I don't think I do." "Of course you do!" "14789, Private Clarke." " Ooh!" "Hello, Nobby!" " Hello, mate." " Long time no see, eh?" " Yes." "A long time." " You remember me now, don't you?" " Yes, I remember you now, Nobby, yes." "And I remember you...mate (!" ")" "I remember you very, very well." "It's nearly time for the parade, sir." "I'll go and fall the men in." "It will give me a chance to introduce Clarke to the rest of the platoon." "This way, Clarke." "Shut the door!" " Well, did you see that?" " See what?" "I'll tell ye, I've a kind of a notion that these two, Clarke and Jones, didnae like each other very much!" "You ain't half an old mixer, Taffy." "Maybe." "There's something between those two that Jones doesnae want us to know about." "Really, Mr Frazer, I can't believe that." "Can't ye?" "I can." "There's no smoke without fire." "No smoke without fire." "# Where are the boys of the old brigade?" "#" "Well, you see, after parade, I took this fella Clarke along for a drink." "When he had stood me a couple of pints, I came out with him directly." "I says, "Tell me, what DID happen between you and Jones?"" "He was very evasive about the whole affair, but from what I could gather reading between the lines and putting two and two together, it seems that these two were out on patrol and somehow they got captured." "Well, Jones managed to escape and he left this fella Clarke in the desert to die." "Mind you, there may not be any truth in it, but... ..what I always say is, there's no smoke without fire." "No smoke without fire." "Look at that lovely moon, Joe." "Yeah." " Oh, yes." "It's very nice." " What's up with you tonight?" " I've got a lot of things on me mind." " Makes a change." "You've usually only got one thing on your mind." "Come on, give us a kiss." " Wait." "There's a time and place for that." " This IS the time and the place." "Don't you love me any more?" "Of course I love you." "I'm mad about you." "It's just I'm worried about Jonesy." "I asked him if it was true about him leaving this fella in the lurch." "He wouldn't say anything." "Wouldn't even deny it." "Are you gonna give me a kiss or not?" "I suppose so." "I'm sitting here, ain't I?" "Are you asleep, Elizabeth?" "(ELIZABETH GROANS)" "I can't help thinking it would be better to sleep inside the house when there isn't a raid on." "This shelter's very damp." "(ELIZABETH MUMBLES)" "Oh..." "It's no good, I..." "I can't sleep." "I'm going to have a read." "I'm sure you'd be much more comfortable if I were on the top bunk." "(ELIZABETH GROANS)" " Post, Mr Jones." " Thank you, Raymond." "Ta." "(JONES) "Why did you leave your friend in the desert to die?"" ""There's no room in Walmington-on-Sea for a coward. "" ""A coward like you is not even worth a whole white feather," ""so I am sending you a half of one. "" " Raymond!" " Yes, Mr Jones?" "Here." "Look after the shop for a little while." "There's something I've got to do." "What's that, Mr Jones?" "Something I should have done a long time ago, boy." "It's the only way." "It's the only way." "I intend to get to the bottom of this once and for all." "Now, Clarke, exactly what did happen between you and Jones in the desert?" "Well, sir, we was on patrol and we was captured by the dervishes." "They pegged me out in the sand." "Jones begged for mercy and they took him with 'em." "Somehow, he managed to escape, but he never came back for me." "He left me to die, he did." "I passed out." "I can just remember this native bending over me, going through me pockets." "When I come to, I was in hospital." "That native must have saved my life, even if he did pinch me wallet." "I find it hard to believe that Jones would have left you to die." "Then why has he cleared off?" " I'll tell you why." " Jones, where have you been?" "Permission to speak, sir." "I'd like to thank you for having faith in me." "Up to now, my lips have been sealed, but now I can reveal myself in my true light and tell you what really happened." "It all occurred a few days before the Battle of Omdurman." "(JONES) Private Clarke and I were part of a patrol sent to find out the strength of the Mahdi's army." "We were under the command of Colonel Smythe, a tall, resolute man of iron who scarcely spoke a word." "He was the colonel's nephew." "There was also a young Cockney, Private Green." "The sergeant was Sergeant Ironside, a nasty coarse fella who kept giving us the rough side of his tongue." "I knew that patrol was doomed from the start." "I could see vultures overhead, waiting to pick our bones." "Then, as we rounded a corner, there was an old fakir blocking our path." ""Turn backI Turn backI" said the old fakir." ""It is written in the sand that before the sun sinks, you will all be deadI"" ""RubbishI" said the colonel." ""Clear out of the way, you old foolI"" ""Do not go against the will of AllahI" said the old fakir." ""What's written in the sand "is written in the sandI"" "None of us took much notice of him." "However, as we drew level with him, the sergeant gave him a mouthful of coarse abuse." "This seemed to upset the old fakir who said something to the sergeant in Arabic." "I didn't understand, but later I learnt it was a curse upon us all." "We didn't have long to wait before the words of the fakir came true." "At midday, as the sun scorched down like a burning brass ball, without a word of warning, a fusillade of shots rang out." "Take cover!" "Take cover!" "Take cover!" "Take... (BUZZING) ..cover!" "Take cover!" "Now!" "I rushed over to the lieutenant and cradled him in my arms." "Thinking of this young boy dying out here in the foreign burning desert was too much to bear." "Thank you, Jones." "You're a good chap." "Dashed hard luck, it happening like this." "I want you to promise me something." "What's that, sir?" "When you get back to England..." " .." "I want you to go and see my mater." " Yes, sir." "Tell her I couldn't help it." "You couldn't help what, sir?" "Falling off my horse." "Keep your... (BUZZING) ..heads down!" " Uncle Arthur." " Yes, Franklin?" "In case we don't get out of this alive, there's something I want to ask you." "What is it?" " It's about you and Mater." " I'd rather you didn't ask." " All right." "I won't." " That's it." "Don't." " There's thousands of 'em!" " Shut up, and keep your... (BUZZING) ..head down!" "I don't like the look of this, Colonel." "Those... (BUZZING) ..dervishes mean business." "I think you're right, Sergeant." "As soon as it's dark, we'd better send somebody for help." "Permission to speak, sir." "What is it, Jones?" "I volunteer to fetch help as soon as it's dark, sir." "All right, Jonesy." "Take Private Clarke with you." "(JONES) We managed to creep out during the night, and the next morning we were on our way for help." "Little did we realise that nasty savage eyes was watching our every move." "All the time, the sun was beating down on us, and we had to stop for a rest." "It was then we realised our water bottles were empty." "Suddenly, there was two horrible dervishes looking down at us." "We were trapped." "Caught by the dervishes." "We knew what we were in for." "I was ready to take my medicine like a man." "Suddenly, Private Clarke flung himself down and grovelled and begged for mercy." "I couldn't stand it." "I had to look away." "Those dervishes didn't know the meaning of mercy." "They pegged Clarke out in the sand and left him there to die." "They dragged me behind them for miles." "What fate was in store for me, I had no means of knowing." "After hours of this torture, we stopped and they started to cook a meal." "Suddenly, one of them said something, the other pulled out a dagger and they were at each other's throats." "They fought like demons." "I realised this was my chance." "They weren't taking any notice of me, so I worked my way over to the fire." "I burnt through the ropes." "Suddenly, one of the dervishes broke away and made off." "He'd had enough." "The other dervish shouted something after him." "Then I remembered that dervishes can't stand fire." "They can't stand it." "I quickly seized a burning brand and thrust it in front of his face." "The effect was amazing." "He turned from a proud warrior into a gibbering idiotI" "His nostrils distended with fear and he shouted," ""Hum kaya ka-ka kowI" ""Hum kaya ka-ka ka-ka kai"" "which translated literally means," ""Put that light outl Put that light outl"" "I made him take his robes off." "I had him at my mercy." "I quickly put them on over my uniform, took the horse and I hurried back to rescue Private Clarke." "When I got back, I thought Clarke was a goner." "I took his wallet out of his tunic to send home with his personal effects." "I opened it, and inside I saw something that, in spite of the heat, made my blood run cold." "A photograph of the colonel's lady." "The colonel was a very upstanding gentleman, but his wife was not quite so upstanding." "To think that she and this Private Clarke had been..." "I couldn't believe it." "While I was kneeling there in a daze of misery, I heard a groan." "Clarke wasn't dead after all." "we came across the relief column." "Private Clarke was taken back to headquarters and I never saw him again until last week." "And then, sir, I've got to tell you something - I kept that secret locked in my bosoms... ..all those years - the secret that nobody knew except Private Clarke, the colonel's lady and meself." "Why couldn't you have told us this before?" "I couldn't when I thought there was still a chance that the colonel's lady and the colonel were still alive." "That's where I've been - at Somerset House, looking through the records." "I'm happy to say that the colonel and his good lady are now up in that great parade ground somewhere in the sky where the breath of scandal cannot touch them, sir." "Now at last I've got a chance to burn these letters." "I'm sorry, Jones." "Right, now I'll deal with Clarke." " He went outside a few minutes ago." " He's not going to get away with this." "Come on." " You're in a hurry, aren't you?" " Did you see a man leave here?" " He was rushing towards the station." " Come on!" "He told me to tell you he's resigned and he'll post the uniform back to you." " He can't do that!" " Desertion's a serious crime, isn't it?" "Are you going to shoot at him with water pistols or thrash him with a wet lettuce?" "Don't push me about." "Jump on your bicycle." " Try and catch him." " He's not worth bothering about, sir." "I didn't like him." "Never trust anybody with their eyes too close together." ""The moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on."" "What's that got to do with it?" "I don't know, sir." "(WALKER) You can burn that photo and those letters now." "Here we go, mate." "Have you gone raving mad?" "An enemy plane will see that from miles away!" "Ah, shut up." "Put that light out!" "Put that light out!" "Put it out!" "Put that light out!"