""Melissa and Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience." "Why'd you get me up so early?" "Shh!" "You've got to be quiet and leave before Joe or my aunt Mel sees you." "Why?" "You're an adult, right?" "Otherwise I'm in a lot of trouble." "No, it's just" "Joe will glare at us," "Aunt Mel will ask for "details, girlfriend,"" "and she doesn't need to know all the details." "What?" "Like that I'm your teaching assistant?" "Yeah, that's kind of a biggie." "Lennox, come on." "It's not a big deal." "I mean, as long as the Dean doesn't find out." "Okay, less talking, more leaving, please." "Well, hey, anytime you want to stay over at my place, you're welcome." "Very welcome in fact." "(Clears throat)" "Morning." "Hi, Joe." "Emerson just got here right now, this morning to pick me up." "Oh." "Why's he carrying his shoes?" "Because he hates to track in mud." "From your bedroom?" "Good morning." "Oh, hi, Emerson." "Talk later, girlfriend." "You don't have a problem with this?" "Do you have no rules at all?" "Joe, chill." "She's in college." "She's not a little girl anymore." "Oh!" "No, don't!" "You shouldn't bend over in heels." "Don't worry." "We're got them." "Why do you have like 60 philosophy exams in your bag?" "Because I'm..." "Recycling paper." "You're grading these." "It says that you're the teaching assistant." "Wait, Lennox, you're dating your T.A.?" "Kinda." "I think we just found out what's up..." "Girlfriend." "(Theme music playing)" "♪ I guess you're stuck ♪" "♪ with me. ♪" "See you in class." "Oh, heads up." "Pop quiz today." "Okay, not helping." "Bye." "You know," "I thought I mentioned that Emerson was my T.A." "So, the person sleeping over in your bedroom is also grading your tests?" "(Chuckles) What a small world, huh?" "Oh, come on." "It's not like he's the Professor." "No no no." "He's just the Professor Light, you know?" "Now with only half the creepiness." "See, this is why I didn't tell you guys." "I knew you'd be all judgey and weird." "No, he's judgey and weird." "I'm just letting this new information wash over me like a spring rain." "Lennox, seriously, all three of us need to talk about this." "Actually, I gotta get to class." "You're wearing your pajamas." "It's incredibly casual Tuesday." "See you!" "So you're really okay with all this?" "Well, I'm not happy about the situation." "All right, then let's put a stop to it right now then." "It's not as cut and dry as that, Joe." "If I forbid Lennox from seeing Emerson, she'll just see him behind my back," " so what's the point?" " The point is it's ethically kind of sketchy." "All right?" "Come on." "This is..." "This is your house." "You know you want to forbid that guy from coming here." " You don't know that." " I can hear that little voice inside your head." "You know what it's saying right now?" "It's saying..." ""That no good lowlife ain't welcome in this house."" "Okay, why does my little voice sound like Joe Pesci?" ""Come on, Mel." "Just let me out, all right?" "Let me just tell that punk kid how it is."" "All right, fine." "I'll tell her, but just to get that voice to shut up." "(Computer dings)" "Hey, Ryder." "How's Montreal, eh?" "It's great." "Except for one little thing." "I'm not there, and I kind of forgot my passport." "Okay, that's two things, and they're not little." " Where are you?" " I'm in a hotel right by the border." "I can actually see Canada from the bathroom." "Anyway, I'm here with a chaperone." "She stayed behind to watch me." "I think she's somebody's mom." "I'm your homeroom teacher." "Oh." "Yeah, you are." "So you're missing the trip?" "That's awful." "Hey, listen, do you think you could find my passport and maybe drive it up here so I can meet up with the rest of my French class?" "Ryder, you've really got to do a better job about remembering these things." "Where did you leave it?" "I think it's in the shoebox under my bed, but don't look at anything else under there." "Trust me, I don't want to." "And if it's not there, it's probably somewhere else in my room..." "Or downstairs." "I definitely remember seeing it on a flat surface like a table or a desk or possibly the ground." "Good. 'Cause that rules out nothing." " (Knocks on door)" " Oh." "Thanks, Aunt Mel." "I gotta go." "The food guy's here." "You dial a number and they bring whatever you want to the room." " I got steak." " Mel:" "No no no!" "Hey there, Lennie." "Oh, hi." "Hey, so did anybody tease you today about wearing your pajamas?" "Are you kidding?" "This is dressed up for my school." "At least I'm wearing bottoms." "(Laughing)" "I've been thinking a little bit about your relationship with Emerson." "Oh, have you now?" "Yeah, I'm sure he has some very good points." "I mean, he really rocks that fancy man bag." "But I'm just snagging on this one minor negative that he's your teaching assistant." "True, but in our relationship, we're equals, you know?" "He respects me." "He says he's never had a freshman grasp Wittgenstein the way I do." "Is that what he calls his..." "Wittgenstein's a philosopher." "Oh." "Honey, come on." "Let's face it." "It's inappropriate for you to be in a relationship with him." "It's like dating your boss." "It's a terrible idea." "Right, like when Joe started dating his boss." "Who was that again?" "Oh, right." "You." "No no." "We had sex while I was his boss." "Technically we didn't start dating until after he quit." "So there." "I know what I'm doing, Aunt Mel." "Honey, you're only 18." "I'm just trying to look out for you." "Look, I know I can't tell you to stop seeing Emerson, but you do live under my roof, and I'm just not very comfortable with him coming over to the house." "You're banning him?" "You make it sound so harsh, but yes." "Okay, well, I'm glad we had this little talk." "And hey, you know what?" "Those shoes you borrowed, keep them." "They look great on you." "Wait, what?" "I can't believe you're doing this." "Oh, no." "I have lots of shoes." "No, this thing with Emerson." "Okay, I'm an adult." "You can't control me." "And you know what?" "If you're gonna ban Emerson from the house, then I'm banning you from my room." "Which is technically still part of my house, but just to show you how generous I am," "I am gonna leave right now of my own free will." "No, fine, I get it." "I have no rights here." "Your house, your rules." "Good talk, honey." "I did it." "So you finally put your foot down." "Way to go, Melly." "You make it sound like I never do." "You never do." "I hated seeing her like that, you know, angry and yelling at me." "Honey, angry and yelling is all part of good parenting." "That's how you know you hit the parental sweet spot." "It did feel kind of good to lay down the law." "I bet it did." "Well, you know, we make a good team." "I dispense the wisdom, and you execute..." "You know, the best that you can." "No, it wasn't your wisdom that helped me." "I had a couple glasses of wine first." "Alcohol-based parenting." "Can't wait for the book, honey." "Here she is." "All right, well look, I'll be here if you need me." "Oh, no, it's okay." "I have half a bottle of advice left." " Hey there, sweetie." " Hey, Aunt Mel." "Listen, I was thinking about what you said about how it's your house and you have the right to make your own rules, and I respect that." "Wow." "I am impressed at how calm and mature you're acting." "Yeah, so I talked it over with Emerson..." " Great." " ..." "And I decided to move in with him." "Oh, I'm so proud of..." "You what?" "!" "See you." "But..." "But... (Stammers)" "But you can't do that!" "Come on, I hit the parental sweet spot." "24 points, baby." "New personal best." "I know basketball's a team effort, honey, but I really carried them." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "So Lennox moved out." "Oh, that's..." "She what?" "!" "Yeah, she packed up all her things and moved in with her T.A." "How could you just let this happen?" "Oh, let's see, because I listened to you and Joe Pesci?" "So, what's our next move?" "I have no power to get her back now." "You have all the power." "You pay for everything in her life." "You could just stop doing that." "Huh." "You're right." " Yeah, I pay for her tuition..." " Mm-hmm." " ...her credit cards..." " Yep." " ...her birth control." " That's... you what?" "Her tuition and credit cards." "Um, wait." "But if we cut her off, then she'll just be a college dropout living with a boyfriend we don't like." "No plan is perfect." "Or how about this." "I call her right now and tell her" "Emerson is welcome here anytime she wants." "What?" "That's a terrible idea." "You're right." "I'll text her." "Kids respond much better to that." "Give me this." "I'm taking your phone away from you, 'cause you're about to nuke the whole power structure in this household." "Stop being so dramatic." "Now give me my phone before we lose our precious Lennox forever and ever and ever!" "Mel, listen, you have to stand firm here, okay?" "I will stand firm with my phone!" "Will you stop it?" "Look, Lennox ran away from here like a little girl." "You can't reward that kind of behavior by caving." "You gotta wait at least 24 hours or else you're gonna seem desperate and pathetic." "Okay, fine." "I'll wait until tomorrow." " Phone please?" " If I give this back to you, you're not gonna call Lennox with it, are you?" "No." "I'm gonna finish a very important game of Candy Crush." "Well of course on a meta level playing to an audience is a reflection of modern society." "Yeah, no one's disputing that, it's just that we're accustomed to constant behavior modification to create an image of ourselves for social media." "Yeah, totally." "This is awesome." "You know, I've never gotten to talk like this about "Hunger Games" before." "Well, the whole thing's a rip-off of Fukasaku's" ""Batoru Rowaiaru."" "Yeah." "Who doesn't know that?" "Brilliant idea." "Let's watch that right now." " Yeah." " Oh, gosh." "You know, I'd love to, but it's almost 2:00 A.M. and I have an early seminar tomorrow, so I'd better say no." "But you guys have fun watching Fukasaku's..." ""Baba booey."" "Oh, Lennox, just a heads up," "James tends to crank it up pretty loud." "Do you think you'll be able to sleep through that?" "Oh, uh, yeah." "No, that's cool." "I'm just gonna take a shower before bed." "(Music blaring)" "Yeah, I can totally sleep through that." "(Whistling)" " (Chirping) - (Yelps)" "Emerson:" "Everything okay in there?" "Yeah." "Yeah, everything's fine." "You know what?" "Actually I decided" "I'm not gonna take a shower tonight." "Showers are such a waste of water." "Emerson:" "Feel free to take a bath." "No." "(Shudders)" "Hey, you know, I don't understand why Ryder needs a passport." "I mean, it's just Canada." "Can't you just write a note saying, you know, "Yo, Canada, my nephew wants to come into your country." "You cool?"" "This is the last thing I'm doing for him." "You know, you raise these kids and they give you nothing back, no appreciation." "He better not need a kidney, because I'm keeping both of mine." "With the amount you drink, honey, that's a very smart move." "You know what?" "Shut the box." "Just forget about the passport." " He's on his own." " Wait a minute, wait a minute." "Look what I just found." "You know that annoying thing you do every Thanksgiving?" "Set fire to the biscuits?" "No, we all look forward to that, sweetie." "No, that thing you make us do." "You know where you make us write the list of everything we're grateful for?" "I just found Ryder's from a couple years ago." "Listen to this. "Things I'm 'gratful' for."" "I don't care what that list says." "Yeah?" "Listen to this." ""I'm 'gratful' for my aunt Mel and Joe."" "What?" "You made that up." "Aww." "Yeah." "And he put us above nachos and Megan Fox." "He's a good kid." "He is." "Now let's just keep looking through his crap and hope there's nothing dead in here." "(Clatters)" "Lennox?" "What are you doing back home?" "Nothing." "Did you just take a shower?" "No." " Your hair's wet." " Oh, yeah, right." "My hair took a little shower." "So doesn't Emerson have a shower at his place?" "Yes, he does, and it is amazing." "Uh-huh." "So, well, I'm just gonna grab a few more things and then I will be out of your way." "Oh, no." "I can't believe I almost forgot you." "I had no idea you were so fond of good old "wastey."" "Anyway, I've been meaning to talk to you, 'cause I wanted to tell you that if you wanted to stay here and just have Emerson come over once in awhile, that'd be cool." "Wait, so now the ethics don't bother you anymore?" "Well, let's just say that I have modified my previously stated stance." "So you know, if you ever feel like moving back." "I don't know, you know?" "I'm pretty happy at Emerson's." "Lennox, you and I had a bad day yesterday, and I..." "I overreacted." "Yeah, you did." "You know what?" "Maybe I'll stay for dinner before I go back." "Oh, that'd be great." "Hey, maybe you and I could behave better in the future." "You know, I won't act like a big old meanie." "Thank you." "You won't act like a big old baby." "What, you think I acted like a baby?" "No." "No, I meant small child." "Oh, yeah." "That's real nice, Aunt Mel." "See, this is why I moved to Emerson's." "So I could be treated like an adult." "Someone who's capable of making their own decisions without people judging them." "I'm not judging your decisions." "I'm just saying you're making a terrible one." "Goodbye." "Fine!" "Run away." "But you can't come back!" "Unless you want to." "I don't get it." "I completely cave and it still didn't work." "Now how do we win her back?" "I've thought a lot about this one." "You know, even though we don't agree with Lennox's decision, we must accept it." "We've already lost." "Well, thanks for the pep talk Dali Longo." "Sometimes you have to take what the universe gives you and... accept." "Oh, that's crap." "She's living with that creep who's taking advantage of her." "How can you stay so calm?" "I'm calm because there's no other freaking choice!" "Angry Joe." "It's nice to have you back on the team." "So now, what do we do?" "We still can't do anything, but now I'm all agitated." "Thanks a lot." "You happy?" "Actually, yeah." "You're not gonna believe what I did today." "Isn't it beautiful?" "You opened the window." "Why would you do that?" "To air it out." "There were some smells in here that needed to be let free." "Where's the bird?" "Where's James's bird?" "He lives in the bathroom." "Oh my God." "You lost Marcel!" "What?" "No." "I'm sure he's not lost." "He just went out for a worm or something." "Here, birdie birdie." "Oh, no." "This is bad." "This is really really bad." "Okay." "Let's not freak out right away." "No, Lennox, you don't understand." "If you lost James's bird, he'll kick me out." "His dad owns this place and he gives me a huge break on rent." "How do you think I can afford these killer frames and that rockin' man bag?" "Well, I'm sorry, okay?" "I didn't know." "Well, maybe you should have asked." "I didn't realize I needed permission to scrub the bathroom." "This isn't about the bathroom." "This is about you thinking you can move in and do whatever you want, even though you're only here because you threw a tantrum and ran away." "Whoa, excuse me." "I just cleaned your filthy bathroom." "I think the words you're looking for are "thank you"" "and "sorry I live like a dung beetle."" "Just don't do stuff unless I authorize it." "Authorize?" "I thought we were equals on every level." "Hardly!" "Your "insights" on Wittgenstein were, if anything, simplistic and pedestrian." "But you said they were astute and penetrating." "I was trying to sleep with you!" "(Gasps)" "(Chirps)" "Marcel!" "Oh, thank God." "He's back." "(Sighs)" "Look, I guess I lost my temper there." "I was worried about the bird and the rent." "I didn't mean to say those things." "No no." "You know, thanks for showing me who you really are, Emerson." "Goodbye, you smug, pretentious jerk." "Oh, and by the way," "I saw your driver's license." "I know your real name is Gary." " Hey, Ryder." " Hey, what's up?" "Hey, we've been looking all over for your passport, but we haven't found it yet." "It's not gonna stop us from looking though, buddy." "It's gotta be somewhere." "Yeah, I forgot to tell you guys." "I found my passport." " You what?" " Yeah." "Turns out it was in the front pocket of my duffel bag the whole time." "How funny is that?" "Dude, that's so funny." "Exactly when were you gonna tell us that?" "Well, I was about to call you yesterday, but then there was a "Walking Dead" marathon, and I just got sucked in." "Did the zombie by any chance eat your brain?" "(Car horn honking)" "Oh, bus is here." "Okay, guys." "I'll see you." "Bye, thanks." "He had it the whole time." "You know, Lennox may have moved out, but I have a feeling that Ryder's gonna be living with us till he's 40-freaking-five." "Joe?" "Lennox." "What's wrong?" "Well, Emerson and I got in a big fight and I moved out, but now I don't know what to do, because there's no way I can just move back home." "What are you talking about?" "Of course you can." "No, I can't." "I made a big deal to Aunt Mel about being treated like an adult." "I can't just crawl back like a baby." "Hey, look, I don't..." "I don't want you to cry when I tell you this, but you are a baby." "I'm 18." "Why are you coming to me about this?" "Your aunt thinks you're a lot more ready for these mature situations than I do, anyway." "Well, that's just the thing." "You don't expect me to be an adult, so when I act like a kid, I haven't disappointed you." "That's very perceptive..." "For a little girl." "Thanks." "But what do I do about Aunt Mel?" "How do I crawl back with dignity?" "You got any ideas?" "Are you kidding me?" "I'm Joe Longo." "I got a million ideas." "Yeah, but you got any good ones?" "I might have one." " Get in here." " Joe!" "Joe!" "Let me go!" "No, you listen to me." "I know you want to live with your scumbag boyfriend, but I'm not gonna let it happen!" "I hate you!" "Fine!" "Hate me now." "You're gonna thank me for it later." "Oh, yeah right." "And what are you gonna do now?" "Forbid me from seeing Emerson again?" "Thank you for reminding me." "Yeah." "No more of that skeezy guy." "Now you take this bag and you get upstairs to your room right now, young lady!" "Fine!" "If you need me, I'll be upstairs in my room cursing your name." "Love it!" "What was that?" "Did you go over there and drag her back like a caveman?" "I did." "Cool, huh?" "Aren't you happy?" "Are you kidding?" "I'm thrilled." "But I'm also confused." "I thought you said we had to accept her decisions." "Yeah, I realized that was a bunch of crap." "And when did you do that?" "You're over-thinking it." "Parenting is about stepping up and doing the tough stuff." "And that's what I did." "I stepped up and I did the tough stuff." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "And I'm sure the toughest part was dragging her back here against her will while simultaneously driving her car and your car." "I said it wasn't easy." "Honey, honey, think of it like an incredible magic trick." "Okay?" "You don't know how it's done, but you just marvel at the skill of the guy who made the tiger disappear." "You're really not gonna tell me?" "No." " Hey." " Hey." "Hey." "Welcome back." " How was Montreal?" " Awesome." "Yeah?" "Did you have a good time using your French?" "Yeah, I got to go to a restaurant and say," ""S'il vous plait le Big Mac."" "Must be reeling from the culture shock." "Ryder, now that you're home, will you please put your passport somewhere you can remember?" "Yeah." "I'll do that right now." "Oh, crap." "I think I left it on the bus." "I did it again." "Hey!" "Slow down." "Stop!" "Bonjour!" "You gotta be kidding me." "Oh, that bus is not slowing down." "Neither is he." "Oh my..." "It's his passport." "He dropped it." " I gotta go after him." " Wait wait wait wait." "He made us search for that thing for a few days." "I think we should let him run a few miles." "But, Mel..." "That seems fair." "Au revoir!"