"( theme song playing )" "This looks like the place." "Why are the Underground sending their leader?" "'Cause this information's too important to trust to anyone else." "Yeah, and he's gotta deliver it in person." "Hey, where's Carter?" "He was here a minute ago." "I'll go and get him." "Never mind." "Here I am." "Carter, get rid of that bush." "But, Colonel, it's camouflage." "Carter, do as I say." "But there's more bushes like this back there." "Carter..." "What's wrong with the bush, Colonel?" "Well, for one thing, it's poison ivy." "Don't touch me!" "I'm worried about Danzig, sir." "You don't have to worry about Oskar Danzig." "He's a master of disguises." "Yeah, he was in show business." "No kidding, an actor?" "Before the war, he was Germany's top female impersonator." "That must be her... him." "Colonel Hogan." "( whispering ):" "Danzig." "I was expecting somebody with high heels and a tight girdle." "If one does not vary one's disguises, they are no longer disguises." "Here are the troop movements and locations of five panzer divisions." "That is more than I expected." "Good work." "We are very grateful to all of you." "Good luck." "Halt!" "Halt." "Fire." "( gunfire )" "Mach schnell!" "( grunts )" "Everybody all right?" "Boy, that was pretty close." "This war is getting dangerous." "At least the German army can't shoot any better than the French army." "Gonna take that lying down, LeBeau?" "Louis?" "Louis?" "Oh, no." "Colonel, my..." "my little mate's been hit." "All right." "Take it easy, LeBeau." "( LeBeau moaning )" "Here we go." "Put him down right here." "Here, be careful, careful." "There you go." "Lift him up." "( grunts )" "Andrew, get some hot water for me, will you, please?" "And some bandages." "Right." "There's some sulfur in my footlocker." "Bring that, too, huh?" "Right." "Oh, boy, will you look." "That's where the bullet hit." "Doesn't look like it went in too deep." "Didn't go in at all." "Why, it barely broke the skin." "There's nothing more than a scratch." "( moans )" "What do you mean, "scratch"?" "In France, I would get a medal and a kiss on both cheeks." "You joking?" "With a wound like that, you wouldn't get a bloody handshake." "You got off lucky, LeBeau." "It's just grazed you." "Then how come I was unconscious?" "I don't know!" "I've lost more blood than this shaving!" "( gasps )" "Explains why he was unconscious." "Can't stand the sight of blood." "WOMAN: ( over radio ):" "Red Riding Hood calling Papa Bear." "Come in Papa Bear." "This is Papa Bear." "Go ahead, Red Riding Hood." "We have an emergency." "Our leader has received a very bad bullet wound, and we are in need of penicillin immediately." "It is a matter of life und death." "Penicillin." "Tell him we'll arrange with London for a drop tonight." "We'll contact London for a drop tonight." "Thank you, Papa Bear." "Can one of you pass the information on?" "No." "They won't accept it from anyone but Danzig." "Okay, over and out." "LeBEAU:" "Colonel..." "Would you ask them to drop a little extra penicillin for me?" "Raus, raus, everybody!" "Raus in five minutes." "Raus, raus, raus, raus!" "Raus, everybody." "Ow!" "What's the matter, cockroach?" "Oh, it's sunburn, Schultz." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Sunburn?" "!" "Sunburn in the middle of the winter?" "I have very tender skin." "Like a baby." "That's true." "He can't even sit under a reading lamp with his shirt off for more than ten minutes." "Are you pulling my leg, Carter?" "Man would be barmy to pull your leg, Schultz, unless he was looking for a hernia." "All right, let's get on with our roll call and get it over with, huh?" "What do you want a roll call for?" "We're all here, aren't we?" "Colonel Hogan, Colonel Klink wants to talk to you." "Schultz, in this weather, I don't want to talk to him unless he's handing me over his sword." "( chuckling ):" "Oh, ho, ho, ho!" "He's not going to hand you any sword after what happened this morning." "What happened this morning, Schultz?" "Well, I..." "I can't tell you." "It's a military secret." "Oh." "Well, you can tell me, 'cause I'm not in the military." "No?" "No." "Actually, I was on my way to the post office to mail this letter." "Now, this fella walks up to me and says, "Uncle Sam needs you."" "Yeah?" "I actually have an Uncle Sam." "Ja, you have?" "Oh, sure." "He's married to my Aunt Bessie." "No kidding." "No, so..." "HOGAN:" "Carter." "We don't want Schultz to tell us the same stale rumor we've been hearing all day." "You mean about shooting Danzig the ma... the master spy?" "Yeah, that's the one." "What's the big deal about this Danzig character?" "Commandant Klink says he's the leader of the Underground." "Oh, so they get another leader." "( chuckles )" "Not like Oskar Danzig." "What's so special about him?" "He is a master of disguises." "Before the war, he was Germany's greatest female impersonator." "Was he really that good, Schultz?" "That good?" "( laughs )" "Corporal Mittendorfer has his picture up for a pin-up girl." "That's how good he was." "Come on, let's go." "Roll call, roll call." "Report!" "All present and accounted for, Herr Kommandant." "Thank you, Schultz." "Gentlemen, I'm not talking to you as your commandant." "I'm talking to you as your friend." "So does anybody here know the words to "Let's Be Buddies"?" "( all laughing )" "( yells in German )" "Commandant is speaking." "Thank you, Schultz." "I have been made honorary chairman of the fund-raising committee for German soldiers at the eastern front." "I'd like to make a contribution." "Would a thousand dollar check be too showy, sir?" "( all guffawing )" "Sir, a little something for the boys in Stalingrad." "( laughing, whistling )" "I would like to continue." "Quiet!" "Herr Kommandant would like to continue." "Okay." "Okay." "You can continue." "Thank you, Schultz." "Now, tomorrow, I'm entertaining a group of German generals' wives at a tea party, and I would like to have volunteers to help." "SCHULTZ:" "Well?" "!" "You heard the commandant." "He would like to have volunteers." "We heard him, Schultz." "They heard you, Herr Kommandant." "Shut up, Schultz." "Did you hear that?" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Now, this is a good cause." "They're having a terrible time in Russia, and you, as soldiers, should be willing to help your fellow soldiers." "Don't let a little thing like being at war stop you." "Sir, I volunteer." "Wonderful, Carter." "As soon as I find out how much" "Adolf Hitler donated to the U.S.O." "( laughing uproariously )" "Silence!" "You will work at the party, and that's an order." "Commandant, I don't think the Geneva Convention allows you to work prisoners of war at a tea party for the enemy." "You will help out at the tea party, or I will have all the lights turned out at 6:00." "What you mean is "light" out at 6:00, sir." "We've only got one bulb that works." "And you promised to replace the others two weeks ago, sir." "You are absolutely right, Newkirk." "Today, I will replace all the bulbs... and then turn them out." "Now what do you say about my little tea party, huh, Hogan?" "One lump or two, sir?" "There's the drop." "GERMAN OFFICER:" "Look, a parachute!" "This way." "Schnell." "Patrol!" "We haven't got a chance." "Come on, follow me." "( running footsteps approaching )" "OFFICER:" "Halt!" "Halt!" "What's that?" "Penicillin." "Why didn't you deliver it to Danzig?" "Because the German patrols followed us, and they started shooting." "Well, did either of you get hit?" "No." "I wish I'd been so lucky." "This excruciating pain in my shoulder feels like a hot poker tearing into my flesh." "Yeah, but you're being so plucky about it, LeBeau." "Wouldn't you like a bullet to bite on?" "Thanks a lot." "The patrol's still there." "How many are there?" "Maybe we can jump them." "No chance." "Some of their friends just joined in." "The woods are full of Gestapo." "Sir?" "You know, if we could wait a little while," "I could slip out alone and get that stuff to Danzig." "We wouldn't get five feet from the tree stump." "Sir, so what do we do with this penicillin?" "I don't know." "So it shouldn't be a total loss, I could use a shot." "You think London can make a drop exactly at the Underground headquarters?" "I'm afraid it's too risky." "You know, if they could move Danzig into town," "I could get out in a dog truck." "No, they've doubled the guards because of all those generals' wives that are coming." "Hey, I got a couple of ideas." "Speak up, Carter." "We're desperate." "Okay." "I got some dynamite in my footlockers." "So we make a rocket." "We put the penicillin in the steel casing, and we tell Klink today's the anniversary of the end of the Spanish-American War." "Now, according to the Geneva Convention, we've got the right to celebrate national holidays." "Right?" "So we take this rocket, see, and we aim it toward Danzig's headquarters." "We set it off, and the penicillin's delivered." "What's the other idea?" "Well, this one's a little crazy." "Carter, you astound me." "Schultz, don't you know you're supposed to be announced?" "I'm sorry, Colonel Hogan." "I rang, but your doorbell was out of order." "Here, LeBeau." "Here is your hors d'oeuvres menu for the tea party." "Deviled eggs, smoked salmon, stuffed mushrooms, pâté de foie gras." "Mm-hmm." "Chipped sauerbraten on toast?" "That's my suggestion." "And where am I going to get all these things?" "Corporal Mittendorfer is going to bring it from the mess hall." "I'm going to need a few things, you know." "What for?" "Well, you don't think I'm letting Frenchman here make the tea, do you?" "He hasn't got a clue." "Don't they drink tea in France?" "We don't drink anything we don't stomp on." "Now, listen." "I'd like a pound of the finest Darjeeling, two gallons of spring water, a copper kettle, and a sterling silver service." "Anything else?" "Oh, yeah, and a needlepoint tea cozy." "Colonel Hogan, better get ready." "Don't want to be late for the party." "What's to get ready, Schultz?" "We only have to put on our ties and shine our shoes." "Hey, is this tea going to be formal then?" "Of course." "Oh, well, if it's formal, we'll go through the delousing station." "Jolly joker." "I'll see you later." "Ah, you, too." "Ah, go on." "Good-bye." "I better get ready." "There's got to be a way to get that penicillin to Danzig." "We've got to get somebody out of camp, but how?" "You sure you don't want to hear my second idea?" "We didn't want to even hear your first one." "LeBeau, how many women would you say you're making the hors d'oeuvres for?" "Well... from this order," "I would say..." "oh, at least ten." "In a crowd like that," "I don't think anybody would notice another woman, and she could always get a ride into town with one of the other ladies." "Just who did you have in mind, sir?" "I've always liked you in basic black." "Colonel Hogan, you better come quick, sir." "Papa Bear calling Red Riding Hood." "Papa Bear calling Red Riding Hood." "Come in, Red Riding Hood." "This is Red Riding Hood." "Go ahead, Papa Bear." "Would you please repeat your last message?" "The patient is in very serious condition and failing fast." "It is absolutely imperative that he get the penicillin immediately." "HOGAN ( over radio ):" "This is Papa Bear, Red Riding Hood." "Hang in there." "The penicillin is on the way." "Over and out." "Basic black." "The colonel's gone crackers." "I could get shot doing this." "You're not a bad-looking lady." "I might be a bad-looking dead lady if the Germans catch me." "Would you mark my program?" "I would like every dance with you." "Leave off, would you?" "I could be dancing at the end of a rope." "Well, if you aren't, I'll take you by the canteen and buy you a beer." "You sure know how to show a girl a good time." "( women chatting excitedly )" "Delightful tea party, isn't it, General Burkhalter?" "If you like tea parties." "Guests are certainly enjoying themselves, sir." "That's the third tray of hors d'oeuvres" "LeBeau has sent in." "Uh, the fat little lady in the red dress has been eating steadily over an hour and a half." "That's my wife." "Did I say red dress?" "I meant green dress, of course." "I'm color-blind, you know." "Klink, you meant the lady in the red dress, and she has been eating steadily for an hour and a half." "I'm sure Mrs. Burkhalter was famished when she arrived." "It's a long trip to this camp, you know." "Exactly two miles." "And she ate a sandwich in the car." "( women gasping )" "( women chatting excitedly )" "You gentlemen care for some hors d'oeuvres?" "I'd rather face the Russians." "LeBEAU:" "Excuse me, ladies." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Yeah." "Danke." "LeBeau, your hors d'oeuvres are a smash." "This crowd would eat marinated dog food on a cracker." "Ah, you're too modest." "No, no, no." "I ran out of pâté, and that's what I had to use." "Does it have enough seasoning?" "It looks like that lady in basic black has arrived." "Oh, my compliments to the chef." "The hors d'oeuvres are delicious." "You're very kind, madam." "Could I have the recipe for the marinade?" "Oh, oh, of course, madam." "Oh, thank you." "In the kitchen." "Thank you." "I am Mrs. Field Marshal Mannheim." "Field Marshal Mannheim is my husband." "This way." "Uh, ready for the hors 'oeuvres, gentlemen?" "I'm starved." "Carter!" "Try one of those marinated jobs." "They're great." "Aren't they great?" "Very tasty." "LeBeau has done an excellent job." "Mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm." "He must have worked like a dog to make these." "You can say that again." "Herr Kommandant." "Yes, Schultz, what is it?" "I have a message for General Burkhalter." "Yes?" "We just received a telephone call..." "Schultz, don't speak with your mouth full." "We just received a telephone call from General Schtottlemeyer's headquarters." "His wife regrets, but she cannot attend." "Thank you, Schultz." "Jawohl." "General." "It's just as well Mrs. Schtottlemeyer cannot come." "She wouldn't get near the hors d'oeuvre table anyway." "( women chatting )" "KLINK:" "Would you believe that the fat little lady in the red dress is still eating." "Green dress." "Uh, g-green dress." "Of course." "Green." "Green." "Tell me, Klink." "How many women did you invite to the party?" "Well, counting Mrs. Schtottlemeyer, ten, of course." "How come there are ten women at the party?" "It can't be." "Why, General Burkhalter, you are right." "There are ten ladies here." "Well, I'm sure one of the ladies just brought along a friend." "Or one of the ladies is an impostor." "I mean, what woman would want to crash a tea party?" "Especially one where they're collecting money." "Maybe it isn't a woman at all." "Perhaps it's Danzig, the Underground leader, huh?" "He is a female impersonator." "Ja, ja." "Klink, contact the Gestapo at once." "General Burkhalter, I can handle this myself." "I mean, a man of my experience knows a woman when he sees one." "How?" "Oh, I just, uh, mingle with the ladies." "Colonel?" "Hmm?" "Bet you a candy bar it's Mrs. Mannheim." "( gasps )" "( women chatting excitedly )" "Enjoying yourself, Mrs. Steiger, huh?" "Wouldn't it be a riot if the fat little lady in the red dress is Danzig?" "Sorry, sir." "What are you looking at, Colonel?" "Aha!" "( screams )" "Are you mad?" "!" "MRS. MANNHEIM:" "How dare you?" "I thought you were Oskar Danzig." "I have never been so humiliated in all my life." "Oh, you brute, give me that." "Come, dear, I'll take you to your hotel." "Mrs. Mannheim, please." "Please, Mrs. Mannheim, I can explain." "Colonel Klink did that only for reason of security." "And for reasons of security the Colonel should be shot." "Oh, please, Mrs. Mannheim." "And I shall tell the Field Marshal to recommend that." "No, no." "Firing squad is too good for a person like that." "Come, dear, come." "( all talking at once )" "Mrs. Mannheim, please." "Please, please." "Mrs. Mannheim, I beg of you, please stay." "Stay?" "!" "Why should she stay?" "You've had your laugh." "It was not done to insult you." "We are looking for a traitor." "Oh, you suspected she was a traitor for the fatherland?" "Wait till the Field Marshal hears about this!" "And do not think that the Fuhrer will not hear about your stupidity." "Oh, there's no need to bother the Fuhrer with his stupidity." "My stupidity?" "!" "Your stupidity, stupid!" "Come, dear, I'll drive you to your hotel." "Never mind, madam." "I'll drive the lady into town." "We don't need help from you, young man." "Mrs. Mannheim, please don't go away mad." "( engine starting )" "Ladies, where are you going?" "We are all going back to town." "No, no." "But Berta, the party isn't over." "It is as far as we are concerned, Albert." "We will not stay one more minute to watch anyone humiliate Mrs. Mannheim, the loveliest, dearest, most sincere woman in the world." "I knew it was a wig all the time." "BURKHALTER:" "Berta!" "Berta!" "Mrs. Formeildorf." "Berta, please." "Ladies, stay." "Please." "Please!" "Eh, you win, Colonel." "Mrs. Mannheim wasn't Danzig." "Hogan!" "It was her mustache that fooled me." "( grunts )" "Klink!" "Don't just stand there." "We still must find the impostor!" "Ja, ja." "Please, ladies!" "Oh, no." "What is the matter?" "Who was that lady with Mrs. Mannheim?" "That was no lady." "That was your spy." "Halt!" "Halt!" "Halt, I say." "Halt!" "What's the matter with you, old man, are you deaf?" "Bitte?" "I said, are you deaf?" "Ah, moment." "I said, are you deaf?" "It is exactly..." "quarter past 8:00." "Ach!" "Never mind." "Mach schnell." "HOGAN:" "Hey, Newkirk." "I'm back!" "Hey, you are back." "How's Danzig?" "He's great, sir." "He's going to be up in a couple of days, right as rain." "He's going to pass that military information on." "Good work." "Thank you, sir." "BAKER:" "Hey, that's a pretty clever disguise, man." "Where'd you get it?" "Danzig." "Yeah, he's got a lot of 'em." "You look younger." "Oh, thank you." "We were worried about you." "What took so long?" "Well, I had to go through Himmelburg, didn't I?" "You know, those German towns, great shortage of men there." "So, naturally, when all the frauleins saw a very, very attractive man like me, they went crackers." "I didn't want to do it, mind you, but what could I do, you know?" "It's really nice to know, though, that when I'm 70, that I'm going to be wildly attractive to women." "You know what I mean?" "I suppose when you got it, you never really lose it, do you?"