"[theme song playing]" "[cell door slams]" "[cell door slams]" "[panting]" " Morning, Suzanne." " Morning." "Hope you have a good writing day." "Hey, lady, that new chapter, che figata!" "I really love how Edwina outsmarted the orgasmator." "It's like a shout-out to Barbarella, but still totally new." " Yeah... meant to do that." " [sighs]" "She has a beautiful mind." "Yeah, sick as fuck, but beautiful." "Is it really possible to live on nothing but cum?" "Only if it's Admiral Rodcocker's cum." "Oh, yeah, you know, and that dude has some extra protein." "It's gonna be a long day for you, Rabbi." "Got over 70 inmates keeping kosher now." "Out of?" " Two hundred-something." " Wow." "Oy vey." "You brought in a rent-a-rabbi." "Well... technically, all rabbis are for rent, if you think about it." "Weddings, bar mitzvahs." "You know, this one just specializes in corporate inquiry." "Corporate inquiry..." "truly God's work." "Everything's cool, buddy." "He's just gonna come in, sit down with the inmates who eat kosher, have a little convo..." "get to know them." "Test whether they're Jewish or not." "You're really obsessed with tests." "I'm pretty sure we don't get to second-guess people's religious beliefs." "Something about the Bill of Rights." "Oh, that old thing." "Kidding, you know." "But also not, you know." "I mean, there is some legal gray area, and I love me some gray area." "Yeah, you're one giant gray area." "Acting all chummy, all big brother, but actually, you're..." "Big Brother." "You are really stuck on this hierarchy stuff, Joe." "Someone must have really done a number on you." "Yeah, she sure did." "You're okay now, buddy." "You're on the MCC team." "I'm gonna be watching out for you." "We'll all be watching." "That's what Big Brother says." "[inhales shakily] [sobs]" "[sniffles]" "Fuck, Norma." "How do you do that?" "She always makes me cry, too." "It's a miracle." "Damn, there ain't enough Norma to go around." "Hey, Club Waco, beat it." "Yeah, I'll handle this." "Thank you." "The Charismatic Catholics need an extra half hour this morning to learn a new hymn, so if you could just move along..." "I don't know sign language." "She's saying we signed up." "We got a right to be here." "I'm sorry, I'm not clear on what religion you're all practicing." "It's a new faith, but we don't have a name yet." "Christians were new once, too." "And after hundreds of years of private worship, several great schisms, and thousands of people martyring themselves, it became a focused belief system... with a name." "[Leanne] Hey!" "We got a belief system." "We believe in kindness and acceptance." "And... finding the peace within that can then radiate out into the world and create change." "And through silent meditation, we address the roar of pain and loneliness and tame it." "And through reflection, we can see nothingness... and in nothingness, we find clarity... we have faith." "In what..." "Her?" "There's no body of the principles." "They're too big to be contained." "So, you're atheists." "I ain't no fucking..." "I don't think you're ready to understand." "Look, sitting around meditating doesn't make you a religion." "It makes you a meditation club." "Ooh. "Meditation Club." that's not a bad name for us." "Okay, this one needs to be our first martyr." "[Zeke] Look at this fucking thing." "It's like a giant mouth." "It's opening, it's closing." " You're fucked up, Zeke." " Yeah, no shit, Nancy Drew." "I think it's, "No shit, Sherlock."" "Sherlock shits by the seashore." "The plastic's kinda melty." "Peanut butter cups and meth, it's like Red Vines and Dr. Pepper." "This is the fucking life." "I don't know why anyone ever goes back." "All those rules." "I feel bad for the ones that don't even know that this is here." "They think that's reality, but this is the real reality." "Real reality." "Real-eality." "Plus, those fucking beards." " Hey, give me a bag." " 20 bucks." " I got 15." " That's nice." "Hey, White Trash Federline, tell your girl to be more polite." " I'm a frequent flier." " Fuck off, Sam." "Federline is White Trash Federline, you fucktard!" "[laughs]" " It kind of looks like a mouth." " Totally." "Like, the flames are the teeth." "And the black part there, that's the door." " A door to where?" " Hell, I guess." "Isn't that where we're all going?" "Hey, everybody!" "I just put a roofie in my own drink." "[speaking Pennsylvania Dutch] Mother, I'm back." "[exhales]" "Gloria!" "Grab a knife." "It's almost time to milk the shit sacks." "Terrific." "Beautiful card I have for you." "A beauty, a doll." "[clicks tongue] You're welcome." " I don't need it." " I thought you'd need that." "[Blanca] Mmm-mmm." "[Sophia] Gloria." "Gloria Mendoza." "I'm sorry, but I'm done for real this time." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." " I thought you and I were cool." " We are not cool." "Michael was arrested." "He spent the night in holding." "What?" "What happened?" "He and your son beat the crap out of some kid." "The boy might lose an eye." " Was Benny arrested, too?" " I don't know." "But I raised a sweet little boy, who cried when he found out there was no Easter Bunny." "And now suddenly, he's a thug." "You saying this is on my boy?" "I'm saying he can find his own ride from now on." "I knew I was right." "Hmm, why I always gotta have these conversations with sharp objects in my hand?" "You need to get out of here, before you add another 100 years to my sentence." "[chuckles] So, you gonna cut me, huh?" "I wonder where Benny gets it." "Oh, man, you know what?" "Your son is fucking 15 years old, and there is no fucking Easter Bunny." "And if you think that my son killed the fake-ass rabbit, then you're living in a fucking fantasy." "Who needs a knife?" "She'll die from eating today's lunch." "[Blanca speaking Spanish]" "Gin." "[speaking Russian]" "[Coates] Looks like a nice one." "Huh?" "The sun's coming out, I mean." "And I got a shitload of red velvets back at the shop about to go stale." "Oh, yeah?" "So what?" "I know, I know." "A lot of red velvet haters out there all of a sudden." "Some serious backlash." "But I know some hungry ducks who might enjoy 'em." "One hungry duck in particular." " I mean you." " Yeah, I got it." "I got it." " What's up your ass?" " Nothing." "Nothing whatsoever, Officer Coates." "I'm just standing here, doing my job, being a professional prisoner." "So, I suggest you do your job and guard me professional-like." "[exhales into hand] [man speaking indistinctly on walkie-talkie]" " Yo, what'd I miss?" " Yo, they're saying Judy's going down." "[Taystee] Yeah, she is." "I've heard that she steals her recipes." "I've heard she has a husband and a lover, and they all live in the same house." "[gasps] She cheats on Bill?" "Well, is it cheating if they all live together?" "Wait, do they all sleep in the same bed?" "Like, the three of them?" "See, I don't believe it." "If that lady were getting it on the regular with two dudes, she would not be sweating a rosemary garnish." " [chuckles]" " You never know." "Yo, right on time!" "Um, actually, I'm here for them." "First, she joins the Church o' Crazy Eyes, now this?" "Whatever makes her happy." " God bless." " Mmm." "Or Norma bless, I guess." "[Leanne] So, as I was saying... we need to come up with a list of commandments so that they know we're for real." "Thou shalt not snort thy neighbor's heroin." ""Covet." It's "covet."" "You can do what you want with it." "I'm gonna snort it." "I'm serious, you guys." "We need to set the rules." "[Brook] For me, it's less about, like, rules, and more what happens when I look at Norma." "Oh, yeah, what's that about?" "I mean, it's, um... it's, like, less than magic, but more than a hug." "[Brook] The way I see it... it's the armor you put on every day." "The armor that... that it takes to get through every day." "It gets heavier and heavier as you live your life, you know?" "Especially in here." "But when you look at Norma... you can take that armor off... because it's safe." "You're safe." "And... you're crying... because it feels... so good to take that armor off." "And you realize how tall you can be without it... how light." "Yeah... yeah, what she said." "I mean, maybe what's so special about this... whatever... is that there aren't any rules..." " Yeah." " You know?" "I've always had trouble with organized religion, anyway." "And honestly, I think the more this becomes a capital "R" religion, the less time we seem to get with Norma." "Yeah, and we're all here to be with Norma, right?" "That's fine, but we still need to deal with the rest of the world and how they see us." "And when you come in late and you call it a fucking club, you make us all look like a joke." "We need to know who we are, or they'll think we're a joke." "I know who I am." "I'm someone who's sometimes late." "Look, Soso, I know not committing is, like, your thing." "You couldn't commit to saving the world." "You couldn't commit to eating pussy." "You couldn't even commit to being 100% Asian." "So, why don't you go off and not commit somewhere else?" "Nobody wants you here, anyways." "Okay, y'all are illegally congregating here." "This ain't the meeting house." "And for a gang who likes quiet time, y'all are hella noisy." "So, either get out, or I'm calling the po-pos." "[whispering] This is Judy time." "[Janae] Turn that shit up." "That's right, P. Come to the light." "I deeply regret some of the financial choices I have made in the recent past." "I was not fully aware of the decisions that my advisers were..." " Is it cool if I stay and watch, too?" " Get your ass up, now!" "I couldn't stand the heat, but I'm afraid I didn't get out of the kitchen in time to recognize the misappropriation that was taking place." "I guess I had my head in the oven." "Uh, well, no..." "Um..." "Maybe that was a poor choice." "We're getting kicked out of everywhere." "We need to get legit." "There was a vein in your neck that was like... [roars]" "It was rad." "Yeah, but weren't you kind of hard on hippie chick?" "Some people aren't cut out for believing." "[speaking Pennsylvania Dutch] I baptize you, my sister," "Leanne Lemmle Taylor, in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit." "You must strengthen the church and not tear it down." "Be strong against the world's ways." "[speaking English] If it's all right, can I say a few quick words?" "And I mean quick." "I know today is about way more than me." "I only wanted to say I'm glad that, as Amish, we get to choose our baptism." "I didn't know what I wanted until a couple of months ago, and I wanna thank my parents for having me back with open arms." "I had a good time in the English world, I'm not gonna lie." " I mean, who doesn't like zippers, right?" " [scattered laughter] [speaking Pennsylvania Dutch] Wrap it up, Leanne." "[speaking English] Sorry, Dad." "Anyway... it was fun for a while, but the fun just started to seem like everyone was covering up the empty feelings." "[speaking Pennsylvania Dutch] They talk about us like we're in prison." "But this is where I feel free." "Sorry I have a big mouth." "Don't be sorry." "I'd rather have you than a hundred quiet girls." "[female police detective] Leanne Taylor?" "[Black Cindy] Damn, Suzanne." "Didn't you get the memo?" "We chosen now." "We ain't got to eat that shit." "It's chicken fajitas." "See, that's how they get you, with the power of suggestion." " Mmm-hmm." " Like, now they be calling yogurt" ""key lime pie" or "chocolate cheesecake."" "So, you think, "Hmm, cheesecake,"" "when it's the same gnarly curds it always was." "[singsong voice] Wow." "I want you all to know I had nothing to do with what you're eating." "It came out of a bag." "It is in no way a reflection of what I do." " Okay." " Okay." "See, even she ain't owning it." "Hey, Suzanne." "How's that new chapter coming?" "Here, have my strawberry Jell-O." "Fruit is brain food." "Thanks." " Is, uh, this seat taken?" " Yeah, we saving it for Elijah." "Man, you gonna own that rabbi." "Suzanne, tell us about your process." "I think of shit and write it down." " Wow." " So pure." "I got a question." "If Edwina is really a robo-doll in the end... why doesn't she get rusty when Lily Sprinkle pees on her?" "She's made of pee-proof metal." "Why does Sunflower have to be so mean?" "Oh, 'cause she's the one you love to hate." "You should have her time hump with Lily Sprinkle." "[Annie] Yeah." "[Maureen] Do it for the lesbians." "Sounds like she's done enough for the lesbians." "What has she done for not-the-lesbians?" "[Babs] Um, only the best chapter." "Which one?" "When Admiral Rodcocker gets his clothes vaporized and you find out he gots two penises." "Oh, yeah." "And he gives her a shocker made of penis instead of fingers." "I mean, who thinks of that?" " Damn, I gotta read that shit." " [clicks tongue]" " What?" " That's it!" "This... this book tour is over." "I can do one last question." "Did you have an inspiration for Admiral Rodcocker?" " [Crazy Eyes clicks tongue] - [gasps] I knew it." " [Frieda scoffs] - [gasps]" "I never thought I'd have a thing for bald dudes, but damn." "[laughs]" "The fuck kind of multi-culti shit we got going on here?" "Can't a black woman sit with her peoples?" "No, see, the universiality of my work unites all the races." "[groaning]" "I was hoping for those little stale pieces of bread today." "No such luck." "Hey, Whitehill." "You wanna have lunch with our sad little band of misfits?" "Sure." "Sure." "Sure." "Everybody, this is Lolly." "Lolly, everybody." " You're new?" " Litchfield newbie, prison regular." "Don't worry, it's not so bad." "Not so bad?" "This place is the best!" "How is it?" " Oh, that tastes like brown." " [groans]" "FYI, ladies, I didn't make the food." "This is all out of my control." "Yes, thank you, Red." "You're making that very clear." " Good, as long as you understand." " Mmm." "So... what's your deal, Lolly?" "What are you in for?" " I did something I shouldn't have." " Okay, specific." "Where are you from?" "Here and there." " [Lorna] How much time you got?" " Depends." "Depends?" "On how well I do here." "Well, try and think of your time here as a mandala." "The Tibetan monks make intricate designs out of dyed sand, and when they're done... whoosh... they're cleared away." "I gotta go take a quiz." "A quiz?" " Okay, bye." "What the fuck?" " What a twat." "She is nutty as a nut bar." "It makes me glad I got both my feet on the ground." "[scoffs]" " I mean, I tried, right?" " Yeah." "Tell Piper I play well with others." "Tell Piper what?" "Oh, nothing, schnookums." "Just facing my fears head-on." "Did you just call me "schnookums"?" "I did, but it was in between quotes." "I didn't hear any quotes, love muffin." "Now you're just being smutty." "Cal's coming tomorrow to give us the lowdown on our first shipment." " I'm pretty excited." " That's great." "Also, I killed a guard with my bare hands." "Cal..." "Panties..." "Exciting." "My bats mitzvah was sick!" "All the black Jews was there." "Lenny Kravitz... [speaking gibberish]" "For a long time, "kosher" meant hot dogs to me." "Really, really good hot dogs." "But now, it just means so much more." "Now, it means broccoli..." "green beans." "You know what I hate?" "Shrimps." "Damn, dirty shrimps." "Don't even talk to me about shrimps!" "I call my mother a lot, like, every day." "And I love a bargain." ""Who hath believed our report... and to whom is the arm of the Lord revealed?"" "Isaiah 53, verse one." "[speaking gibberish] [singing]" "[mumbling]" "Latinas are halfway Jew already." "I mean, the hora and the conga line?" "Basically the same thing." "There was a big book where I wrote down all the people I wish was dead... who..." "You know, so God comes and kills them and not my... me." "And may I say," "I think y'all are doing a wonderful job controlling the media." "I mean, we..." "we are doing a wonderful job." "[Rabbi Tatelbaum] Now, Miss Hayes, were you raised Jewish?" "Mmm-hmm." "Born and bred, on my mama's side." "And that's the side that make it all legit, see?" "Jewish smarts." " And you kept kosher growing up?" " Mmm-hmm." "Let me lay it all out for you." "The whole brood of Hayes, we lived under the Cyclone on Coney Island, right?" "Brooklyn in the house." "A-yo!" "And, uh, oh, I was always a nervous kid growing up, always worrying about the universe expanding, and... and so, my parents took me to a shrink, and the shrink was like, "Cindy, quit your worrying." "The universe be chilling for another billion years."" "But I couldn't stop worrying and cooking lobsters and hanging with women in suspenders." "I see you're familiar with Annie Hall." " Annie who?" " I see." "Okay, okay, okay." "Anyway... anyway..." "So, my father... my father died pretty young." "It was a sad story." "And after he died, I went to yeshiva school." "Now, I knew I had to dress like a dude and all, but that didn't matter, 'cause what I really wanted to study was the, um..." "What's that word that begin with a "T"?" " The Talmud." " Next." " The Torah." " Mmm, yeah, that." "And whenever I felt alone," "I would sing up to my papa in heaven, and I would be like, "Papa... do you feel me?"" "And he would be like, "Cindy, girl... even though I'm in heaven, I still feel you."" "Jews don't have an official conception of the afterlife." "Oh." "I remember that now." "The focus, instead, is to fulfill our duties to God here on Earth." "Right!" "That's how we do it." "[chuckles] Miss Hayes, while I am heartened that you appreciate the works of Woody Allen and Barbra Streisand," "I think you've confused cultural Judaism with committed Jewish belief." "Also, I hear Mandy Patinkin can be difficult to work with." "So, do I pass?" "And I call and I call, and no one answers." "I don't know what's going on." "And now, I can't see him." "Can't somebody else drive him?" "I asked this whole goddamn prison." "Ain't nobody else with a car that far up the river." "[scoffs]" "Who does this tranny bitch think she is, messing with your visitations?" "Tranny's got nothing to do with it." "It's just two mothers going at it for their kids." "So, maybe it's better for Benny if I don't win this one." "You're not thinking of apologizing?" "Maybe just smooth things out is all." "She fucked with you being able to see your kid, mama." "She should apologize to you." "Benny's a mouthy little fucker." "What if he did start this?" "Even if Benny was a bad influence, she thinks that's why her kid's fucked in the head?" "He's got two mommies." "One of them got a pee-pee." "She don't have a dick, Aleida." "I've seen it, you've seen it." "She got a perky little cooch." " Ugh!" "You're gonna make me throw up." " [chuckles]" "There it is." "There's my puke." "I had nothing to do with it." "[both] We know." "As I was saying, we gotta think of this as the first test, like the Jews wandering the desert, or the early Christians, wherever they wandered." "The desert, I think." "Everybody was in the desert for a while." "[Frieda growls]" "Her hand is on my half again." "Sorry." "I need my space." "And for the record, your timing sucks." "That Rodcocker just fell into the orgasmator." "Hey, no spoilers." "I gotta hand this over to Valdez in 30 minutes." "The world's gonna keep shitting on us until we make ourselves official." " Official how?" " Maybe if we all got the same haircut." "Only if all y'all get my haircut." "No, or something with our clothes, like an armband with a symbol." "Like a swastika?" "Not an armband, but something else that..." "Something else for excluding people, like how you excluded Brook." "Soso left on her own." "Yeah, after you scared her away with your rules and regulations and loudness." "If she doesn't get what we stand for, she's better off gone." "[female police detective] Hold still, Leanne." "They're gonna know." "They're gonna wonder why I'm back." " Amish kids come back all the time." " Not once they're baptized." "They don't have to know you're baptized." "They'll see it on my face..." "that I'm with God." "I don't wanna disrespect your beliefs, but that sounds like a bunch of crap." "Hey, easy." "They think not wearing buttons makes them closer to God." "Leanne, all you have to do is hang out for a couple hours, score some meth, like the good old days." "Talk into the mic, Leanne." "Testing, testing." "Whatever, whatever." "Levels are good." "I think we're ready." "[exhales]" "Please, all I want is to go home and be with my family." "Yeah, well, you kind of limited your choices when you left a bag of drugs lying around with your ID in it." "I'd say you're getting a pretty sweet deal." "All you have to do is this one small thing, and it all goes away." ""One small thing." You mean fuck over my friends?" "Your friends, the Rumspringa drug cartel." "[male DEA agent] Aren't you helping them in the long run?" "Maybe when they go to prison, it'll turn them around... they'll find God, like you did." "[scoffs]" "No, they won't." "[speaking Pennsylvania Dutch] They like Hell too much." "We figured you got busted." "What, me?" "Never." "I just took a vacation to Bonnet City." "Oh, man, you went back?" "I had to see my parents." "My dad was sick..." "with cancer." "Oh, fuck, that sucks." "Did they try to get you to stay?" "Are you kidding?" "They, like, begged." "They tried that shit with me, too." "Offered me a new pony cart. [scoffs]" "Anyway, I told them I missed it too much here." "Yeah, you know, it's important to know where you make sense." "Otherwise, you're not really living, you know?" "Speaking of living... do you wanna hook me up with some crank?" "[woman speaking indistinctly on PA]" "Hey, boss lady." "Hey." "Um..." "You look comfortable." "I like to air-dry." "Sensitive skin." "And these towels are the fucking worst." "Oh, yeah, they're the worst." "How does it feel being a magnate?" "No, I'm not really..." "Today's panty smuggler, tomorrow's Fortune 500." "Sisters are doing it for themselves." "You're too young to know that song." " What song?" " Never mind." " So, how's your first shipment doing?" " We'll know soon." "You must be psyched." "[sighs]" "It's really nice how supportive you are." "Whatever." "I was thinking, and I..." "I think you'd actually be a really great... person to ask about this." "I'm thinking the spicy chicken packets might be worth more than the regular chicken packets, because they are certainly proving to be the most popular." "[Stella] Mmm." " Sounds like quite a pickle." " Mmm-hmm, yes." "I'm sure you'll figure out what you want." "I have every confidence in you." "All right, who stole my towel?" " Ugh, how much longer?" " We got about a half hour left." " [groans]" " Oh!" "Ah!" "Crap!" "Crap!" "Crap!" " Ow!" " You cut yourself?" "No, but I broke that window." "[Lea] Somebody should go report this." " I'll do it." " I will!" "[sighs]" "You sure you're okay?" "I said I was." "Great, I'll get the rake." "[Lolly singing] ♪ But the cat came back the very next day ♪" "♪ The cat came back He just couldn't stay away ♪" "♪ Away, away, away ♪" "Um, where did that big piece go?" "Big piece of..." "What big piece?" "I told that hot bald guard." "He said to leave it." "Maintenance will deal with it in the morning." "Oop!" "Sorry, Maintenance." "That's the way the cookie crumbles!" "Did Norma send you?" "No, my heart just changed with the power of your love." "Yes, Norma sent me." "Okay." "Can I sit or something?" "Isn't that what people do?" "Yeah." "So..." "I'm not that great at apologies." ""I'm sorry" is usually a strong opener." "Let me work up to it." "So, I don't know why I take structure so serious, but I guess I do." "And..." "I think it might have something to do with being raised in a church that people like to shit on a lot." "Oh, my God, what church?" "[Leanne] It doesn't matter." "The point is..." "is that it was hard sometimes... a lot of the time." "But if you knew who you were and what you believed, then it didn't matter if they called you names or made fun of your buggy or whatever." "You knew you were better than them because you belonged." "And when I stopped having that..." "Anyway, when I started doing the Norma meetings... it finally felt like I belonged to something again, even if it was small, and I didn't want people to shit on it." "So, when you came in acting like the rules were nothing, I got a little... carried away, maybe." "[sighs] Wait, your buggy..." "Do you mean you're, like..." "So, you, like, wore a bonnet?" "Yeah." "[chuckles] I'm sorry, it's, like, um..." "just, like, you in a... in a bonnet!" "[laughs]" "Did you hear this?" "Did you..." "You churn butter." "You Harrison Ford in Witness." " That movie has a lot of inaccuracies." " [laughs]" "Uh, you a total weirdo." "Oh, no!" "Oh, my God!" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, Leanne." "I didn't..." "Keep my name out of your fucking mouth, you fucking half-breed." "Hope you enjoy hell." "Yeah, she no good at apologies." "I thought you might be hungry." "What if someone sees?" "The elders are already out of line." "Shunning is for guiding people back to the church." "But you didn't turn your back on the church." "I did worse." "I sent their kids to jail." "[man speaking Pennsylvania Dutch] How could you be so careless?" "[woman] Our daughter was hungry." "[man] As if things aren't bad enough." "Our business is suffering." "No one wants their sons working for me." "We'll be broke if it goes on like this." "[woman] Time will heal the wound." "We have to be patient and forbearing." "She's our daughter." "[man breathing heavily]" "[woman speaking indistinctly on walkie-talkie] [knock on door]" " Hey." " Hey." "I didn't want you to think I'm some kind of bitch or nothing from before." "Oh, that?" "I wasn't worried about that." "Yeah, you were." "Yeah, I kind of shit my pants, actually." "I mean... not literally." "You know, everybody around here has a big mouth, and especially the beanbags." "And if they find out that we're becoming all friendly, then our happy lake times are gone, just like that... okay?" "So, we have to maintain boundaries." "Inmate, step out of the bubble." "Yes, sir, Mr. Donuts, sir." "That's Mr. Coates to you." " [whispers] Officer Coates." " That's Officer Coates to you!" "You got potential." "All right, Officer Coates." " Good night, sir." " Good night... inmate." "[Maria] You're not on the list." " What's that supposed to be, anyway?" " The bag said "Irish stew."" "Looks like the fajitas." "One kosher meal, please." " Your name isn't on the list." " You didn't even look at the list." "It's a short list." "Do you want this or not?" "Yeah, hit me." " Let me guess." " Not on the list." "Man, I told that rabbi I was Drake's cousin, worked the whole Black-Jewish mafia thing." "But I guess he ain't never heard of Drake." "Well, fool, you're, like, fifty shades darker than Drake." "Fifty Shades of Drake." " [laughs]" " Mmm." " Yeah." " That's right, girl." "Somebody must've passed that test." "[Maritza] One kosher meal coming right up." "The Abrahamic religions are pretty much all the same," " till you get to Jesus." " [Black Cindy scoffs]" "Yo, Red, you eat this shit?" "People of the cafeteria, in case you haven't heard," "I didn't cook it." "I punch in, I punch out." "I play Sudoku, I scratch my ass." "If I had e-mail, I would check it." "But the food you eat does not have even a piece of my soul in it." "That is all." " Only one thing left to do now." " What's that?" "Convert for real." "Where my dreidel at?" "Writer's block?" "It's like I can see the words, but I can't make them obey me." "That's okay." "Fran Lebowitz hasn't written anything for 30 years, and people still think she's great." " Yeah, as great as Gena Showalter?" " I don't know who that is." "Hey, I was wondering, um, you know when Sunflower takes both Rodcocks at once, and she says, "I can feel you in my eyeballs"?" "I'm wondering, is that, you know, poetry... or can she literally feel his penises in her eyeballs?" "I like to let the words speak for themselves." "Because I personally, I really identify with Sunflower, and it seems like she might be polymorphously perverse." " You know what that is?" " Yes." "No." "Well, Freud describes it as a time before age five when any part of your body can be aroused by almost anything." " [snorts]" " Like, your elbow... your kneecap... your eyeballs." "I remember feeling like I was the only one." "So, if Sunflower or... anyone... felt that way..." "I'd want them to know that..." "they aren't alone." "Suzanne, you forgot your..." "I'm scared to ask." "How did it go with Gerber?" "[whispers] Who's Gerber?" "Baby face..." "our corruptible young man." "Oh, yeah!" "[chuckles]" "We met at a dog park near his house." "You know, he dyed his dog to look like a tiger." "But you got the goods?" "Oh, my God, you don't know yet." "Of course you don't know." "Oh, no, Cal..." "What happened?" "[whispers] Pipes..." "we sold out overnight." "[whispers] Shut up." " Yes." " All 20 pairs?" "Frankly, I think we're selling ourselves a little short at 50 bucks a pop." "I think we should shoot for the moon, and go for, like, 75, maybe." "And the more we can get..." "Well, that means that I'll have to recruit more panty girls." "Seriously, that's what you call them?" "This whole thing is like Christmas." " What is on your arm?" " Oh." "Oh, yeah, uh, there are reviews up on the site." "Already?" "World Wide Web, man." "It's some fast shit." "I hear it's the latest thing." " I wrote down the good ones to tell you." " Okay." "[clears throat]" ""Great service, lovely scent."" "Aw." ""Prison bitches are the ripest."" "That's a good one, I think." "What do you mean, "That's a good one"?" "Does that mean that there are bad ones?" "Uh, there are a couple, but I'm not going to tell you." "All people ever remember are the bad ones." "I'm in prison, Cal." "I've got some pretty thick skin these days." "People think the packaging could be better." "That's bullshit." "[shushing]" "I mean, you try packaging things with stolen kitchen supplies." "[softly] I know." "But maybe they're right." "Maybe you should repackage them when you get them, and then you can ship them." "Oh, man, I feel awful that they look bad." "Anyways, moving on, people are already asking for some very weird stuff..." " Huh." " Like murder panties." "Now, I assume that is when the murderers wear them and not the victims." "One guy really wants Samoan girls with really big feet." " I don't know any Samoan girls." " Oh, it doesn't matter." "They don't have to know that." "You can be anyone that you say you are, but you gotta be careful." "You can't go saying that you're some black lady serial killer who specializes in killing bald men with blows from a poison-tipped sai kata, and then the customer finds a blond pube in there." "Uh-uh." "You gotta maintain the fantasy." "Good point." "You frighten me, but... good point." "Did your mom let you have it?" "I sure hope so." "I'm grounded for two months." "Well, you deserve it..." "but you're still my little boy." " Whatever." " [woman weeping]" "It was worth it to teach that little bitch Laronne a lesson." "What lesson?" "What did he do to you?" " Looking at me funny." " What do you mean "funny"?" "Probably fagging out on me." "I had to school that shit-stabber." "Baby, don't play tough..." "and watch your mouth." "I know you only did it to impress that Benny." "Benny?" "Benny ran away like a little wuss." "He did?" "I should stomp his bitch ass next." "I don't know who's the bigger pussy, him or Laronne." "[Coates] Come on, guys, look at the pretty colors." "[Pennsatucky] You're that one." "[Coates] Which one?" "That Downsy one that keeps missing all the crumbs." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, you're the brown one over there that keeps swimming around in circles." "I'm not a stupid brown duck." "I'm a hot green duck." "The green ducks are males, dummy." "You wanna be a man duck?" "It's a man's world." "Name like Doggett, maybe you're not a duck." "You're a dog." "Well, I can swim good." "I can fetch even better." " Oh, yeah?" " Yeah." "Let's see about that." " What?" " Fetch!" " Fetch, Doggett, fetch." " [scoffs] [barks] [pants]" "Good girl." " Good Doggett." " [chuckles]" "Fetch with your mouth this time." " Go on." " Okay." "Fetch." "[panting] [barking]" "What's the matter, girl?" "It's all wet here and muddy." "Uh-uh-uh." "Sorry, I only understand dog talk." "You're a dog playing fetch with a dog?" "That doesn't make any sense." "I said, "Fetch," inmate!" "Good girl." "[coughs]" "Good Doggett." "[roars] [chuckles]" "Hey!" "It's okay." "There's no one around." "Fuck, I like you so much. [chuckles]" "Okay." "I..." "like... you... so... much." "Okay." "Right." "Boundaries." "I know it sounds rough, but sometimes you gotta cut people loose." "Sometimes people don't belong, and the most important thing is the unity of the group." "Yeah, I told her there was a place for her and you wanted her back, but... she didn't seem into it." "It's like you always say..." "Sometimes the kindest thing is to let people go." "[sighs]" "[snoring]" "So, is that, like, a..." "Chinese thing, or..." "You want this book?" "I don't cook Italian much, but what this woman does with butter..." "What'll I use it for, a doorstop?" "[sighs]" "Hey, pity party..." "you need to let this shit go." "You're right, the food tastes like crap, and I get 1,000 different visions of hell when I put it in my mouth, but your face is not one of them." "We get it, you didn't cook it." "Stop apologizing." "The more you apologize..." "the worse it tastes." "You gotta move... the fuck... on." "Thanks." "I needed that." "[sighs]" "Can I help you?" "No... never mind." "[Stella] Holy shit!" " This is major." " [Piper] Right?" "I mean, there was one bad review, but it's... not like I care." "Although, they were... kind of right." "Say you expand to 16 panty girls and you go down to two days per pair of panties, that's 48 pairs of panties per week." "Times that by $75 each, and you have a gross amount... of..." "[chuckles]" "Holy fuck!" "What?" "$3,600 a week." "Wow." "But two days per panty, wouldn't that be more than three pairs per week?" "Yeah, but you should give them a day off..." " for the Sabbath." " Oh." "Look at you." "You're a good Christian girl." " Actually, I'm Buddhist." " Of course you are." "Maybe they'll give you a special Buddha meal." "Ew, no, they're gross." "It's some sort of gluten shit instead of meat." "But now that they're cracking down on the fake Jews," "I'm thinking of going halal." "[speaks Arabic]" "You really know how to work a system." "I'm a hard worker." "Mmm." "So, what did Alex say when you told her the good news?" "Oh, but I haven't told her." "She's been busy." "And by "busy," I mean psychologically unstable." "And by "psychologically unstable," I mean annoying." "Well..." "I'm honored that you told me first." " Sixteen girls." " Mmm-hmm." "I have to make sure we find girls we can trust." "Yeah." "Girls that we know will be into it." " "It" being panties?" " Yeah." " That won't be hard." " It won't?" "No, it's like, um... it's like sussing out whether somebody's into you or not." "When you know it, you know it... you know?" "On the other hand, sometimes you can... suspect... but you're not..." "totally sure-sure." "And so, you're left..." "sitting in that expectation... waiting for someone to..." "break the suspense." "Did that clear things up?" "No." "In fact, that just made everything a lot more fucking confusing." "[softly] Uh..." "Sorry." "It's not your fault." "Yeah, it is." "Okay, yeah." "Yeah, it kind of is." "[RB song playing]"