"Sammy?" "Am I home?" "No, not really." "Hey, you didn't wet the bed." "No?" "That's good." "Did you order a bunch of pizzas from Bavooki's last night?" "Is he..." "Mmm-hmm." "Oh, no." "Let's go." "Come on." "Oh, no." "Drink, drink, drink!" "Hey, Ricky, what's going on, buddy?" "I must've pocket-dialed you or something." "You ordered 20 pizzas from me last night and you passed out before I got here, Sammy." "Ricky, that's crazy." "I don't really think that happened." "Listen, Sammy, this is the sixth time it's happened, okay?" "Mr. Bavooki says if it happens one more time, he's firing me, and he's banning you from ever ordering from Bavooki's again." "Ricky, no." "He can't do that." "Mr. Bavooki's Pizza is the only pizza place that stays open till after the bars." "Ricky, come on, man." "Sammy, this is my livelihood we're talking about, okay?" "Hey, how much is the pizza?" "It's $274." "What?" "For some pizza?" "Man, that's my weed money." "How about 10 beers for a pizza?" "I don't drink." "Why not?" "Oh shit, Ricky." "It must have slipped." "Sorry." "Whose dog is that?" "I don't know." "Blue 16." "Let's go." "Stack, stack!" "Form a line." "I forgot, happy birthday, Marty." "Hey, just quit it with that, all right?" "Blue 16." "Set." "Snap the ball." "Is he sleeping?" "Hit." "You smell like alcohol." "So what?" "It's just practice." "We're one day away from playing the best team in our conference, and you show up to practice hungover?" "No wonder you haven't hit Tredlow all day." "Who is Tredlow?" "He's your number-one receiver!" "That's it." "You're dry until after the game." "What?" "In fact, this whole team is dry." "Man, this is bull, man." "I feel bad about what I did to Ricky." "Come on, Sammy." "Dealing with drunk college kids is all part of a pizza delivery guy's job." "He'll be fine." "Wow." "Wow." "Disobeying me right on my own front porch." "No." "Come on, man." "It's just alcohol." "Yeah, plus you get drunk all the time, too." "What's the point of winning if you can't enjoy it?" "Exactly." "You know what?" "You guys are right." "Maybe I have been a little too hard on everybody." "Maybe what we need is a huge party at the Goat house where everybody gets pounded." "You mean hammered, right?" "You might get hammered, but my ass gets pounded." "Right." "Wait, that's great." "I can order pizzas." "And that way I can get everybody to chip in and get Ricky his money back." "Great." "Okay, perfect." "Hey, everybody, a huge alcohol party at the Goat house!" "Chasers!" "Go, go, go, go!" "Tie!" "Man, we're gonna need another one." "Getting drunk rules." "You suck sometimes." "I know." "Drink!" "Drink!" "Drink!" "Drink!" "Is everyone having a good time?" "Yeah!" "Radon, is your ass getting so pounded?" "Well, my ass is getting wasted, that's for sure." "That's good." "That's real good." "Well, I hope your complete disregard for authority was worth it, because now, this is happening." "Cops!" "Cops!" "Careful!" "Oh, okay." "I'm out of here." "Oh." "No, no!" "Hey, look over there." "Shit." "Damn it." "Oh, Sammy, what the hell, man?" "You said there was a party here tonight." "Ricky, I don't know what happened." "Listen, man, I've got $700 worth of pizza in the back of my van, and Mr. Bavooki is gonna fire me for sure." "And you guys, you guys are gonna be officially cut off from Bavooki's Pizza, okay?" "Ricky, Ricky, listen to me." "Listen to me." "Put your hat on for a second." "Calm down." "That's not gonna happen, you hear me?" "There's gonna be another party here tonight and I'm gonna get everyone to chip in for these pizzas." "You've got my word." "Let's go inside." "Come on, relax." "Dr. Silverman to Exam 3." "Dr. Silverman to Exam 3." "What'd you do this for, man?" "That was a great party." "Because you needed to be taught a lesson." "We're not gonna win a title if one man thinks he's above the rest of the team." "Oh right, this only works when you think you're above the rest of the team." "I don't think that." "You got the entire team put in the drunk tank to teach one man a lesson." "It's called symbolicism!" "Listen up!" "Listen up." "My name is Chet, and I'm gonna be your security officer for the evening." "Now, you're all being held in protective custody." "And no one is gonna leave this room until they blow a .06" "in this breathalyzer." "Hey, Chet." "So, we're the BMS football team." "Right." "And everyone usually just looks the other way when stuff like this happens." "I know." "I went to BMS." "Oh, good." "Go Goats." "I played lacrosse." "Anyway, welcome to the drunk tank." "Great." "I think you're a stupid, Frankenstein-looking, overly-muscly, high-pitched screaming, codependent little bitch." "I think you're a selfish, delusional assface who can't be trusted, and only cares about himself." "Yes!" "I carried this team the whole season and the guys trust me with their life." "Radon, not for nothing, man, but if I found myself stranded with my dick caught in a VCR," "I'd call everybody in this room before I called you." "Not that that has ever happened to me." "So you would call Thad before you called me?" "I wouldn't call either one of you guys." "I once told Thad a secret, and he told my dad the next day." "How is being impotent a secret, Larry?" "Thad!" "Does everyone feel that way about me?" "Well, then you obviously don't know your captain very well." "Fill us in, man." "We got time." "Okay, fine." "You want to get to know the real me?" "Okay, everyone close your eyes." "Imagine yourself as a nine-year-old boy who thinks he just invented masturbation." "We are gonna get wasted." "I mean, shitty, shitty drunk." "I am gonna walk into the drunk tank, yell, "I'm drunk!"" "Chet's gonna come out, take me into protective custody, and bingo, I'm breaking the team out of there." "I told you, Sammy, I don't drink." "Well, if you want to get this pizza money, you will, okay?" "Now, listen, the fastest way to get drunk is if we snort this vodka through our noses." "I'm not snorting vodka, Sammy." "Enough with the games, Ricky." "Listen to you, okay?" "Mr. Bavooki's closes in two hours." "Do you want to keep your job, or not?" "Yeah, I do, but..." "Ricky, it's either this or we funnel beer through our asses." "I'll do either one." "I don't care." "I choose the snorting." "Ready?" "Here we go." "One, two, three." "Ahhh!" "Ahhh!" "Wow!" "I forgot to tell you this, Ricky." "What?" "What?" "Listen, the first couple are gonna hurt, okay?" "After that, the nerve endings in your nose will die and you won't feel a thing, okay?" "What?" "Let's do two more." "No!" "No, we gotta do two more, Ricky." "You have a lot of talent in that department." "I'm serious." "It's good." "Here we go again." "This is pathetic." "He's in here every year on his birthday." "Hey, is it somebody's birthday?" "I'm drunk." "No!" "Yup, and I would like you to call my emergency contact information, which you have, I think, on file, and have them come and drive me home." "Of course." "We will make that call for you, sir." "Until then, you can keep your team company." "My team?" "Come on." "By the time I was 18, I thought you only had to wipe your ass three times after taking a crap." "I guess I thought that skid marks and an itchy butt were just a normal part of daily life." "That's really gross, man." "You know what?" "It's not all smiles and great team leadership with me all the time, okay?" "Hey, fellas, you remember your coach?" "What the hell is this?" "Coach, I had to teach Radon a lesson." "Shut up." "You know, you assholes don't appreciate anything." "You think this is never gonna end, it's one big party." "Let me tell you something, it's gonna end." "And one day in, like, a wink, you're gonna wake up and you're gonna be, like, 50-something years old." "It's blink, not wink, Coach." "And why do you always have to be such a wiseass, huh?" "He's exactly what I'm talking about." "You never seize an opportunity in your whole life." "It's true." "Oh, you're talking to me now?" "Uh, she's been trying to talk to you for months now and you ain't done shit about it." "Yeah, I've noticed the same thing." "Why don't you just go and bone her already?" "'Cause he's too busy using my brother as an excuse." "What?" "Hey, son, there's no room for excuses in life." "You have to grab life by the tits and squeeze." "Yeah, you gotta squeeze the tits." "Can we talk about something else?" "Jesus, Ricky." "Man, you drive like an imbecile sometimes." "Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, we made it, buddy." "Hold on a second." "I'm going in and you're staying here, okay?" "You're the getaway driver." "All right." "Wait, wait, if I'm the getaway driver, then why did you make me snort vodka before we came?" "I mean, wouldn't I be more effective if I was sober?" "Ricky, Ricky, you had two snorts, bud, okay?" "There's one common denominator in every great plan." "Spontaneity." "Fix it up there." "You look nice, all right?" "Wait for my signal." "I'm gonna get you that money for those pizzas, and you know it, Ricky." "Let's talk about how you pretend to be this cool guy who doesn't give a shit about anything." "Yeah, but actually you care about everything." "It's like you gotta be in control, man." "It holds you back on the football field, too." "I've seen it." "And you're friends with my brother 'cause he goes balls to the wall with everything he does and you wish you could be like that." "But really, you're just a scared little bitch." " Mmm-hmm." "You gotta grab life by the tits and squeeze." "Gotta squeeze the tits." "Yeah, grab the tits." "When did this become about me, all right?" "Thad and Radon are the two that got us in here." "Whoop, there it is, the famous blame game." "What are you scared of, Alex?" "That if you put yourself out there, you're gonna get hurt?" "Yeah, I'm not spending the rest of my night listening to this shit." "I'm finding a way out of here." "Where are you going?" "He's running away from his problems." "Just like he always does." "No one's gonna go after him?" "Alex." "Coach Marty Daniels, your emergency contact is here." "Excuse me." "Good luck, guys." "Good luck." "I thought we agreed last year, and the year before that, that we weren't gonna do this anymore." "All right, why don't you just take me home and put me to bed then?" "Yeah, I'm not taking you home." "And you need to take me off your emergency contact list tonight." "Does this mean you didn't get me a cake?" "I brought you a cake." "Oh, wow!" "Happy birthday." "Oh, wow." "I'm drunk." "I'm drunk." "Lock me up, Chet." "Okay, hang on a second." "Oh, hey, Coach, is it your birthday?" "It sure is." "Happy birthday, happy..." "Hey, hey!" "Sammy, Sammy, look at me, man." "What?" "Hey." "Six times this month you've been in here." "I swear to God..." "That's too many times in one month..." "Chet, if you do that again..." "You've got a lot of potential, but you've got to concentrate." "You've got to realize your potential." "Now, come with me." "I swear to God, Chet, if you touch me again..." "Yeah, yeah." "Alex, Alex." "I'm not arguing with you right now." "You're being a pussy." "I'm being a pussy?" "I think you're being a pussy." "What?" "Take that back." "No, no, and I'm not finished..." " I'm gonna puke." " Do not puke!" "I can't breathe." "Just use your nose." "Chet, I'm hot." "Leave your shirt on." "Jesus Christ, leave your shirt on." "No!" "Sammy." "So, I woke up the next morning and the stripper was still there." "So what did you do?" "I moved." "Hey, I told her I was going to get something out of the car and I never went back." "Are you crying?" "I don't know." "I just can't believe I did this to you, man." "You're not made of cancer like I thought." "Hey, listen, honestly, Thad, tonight is the first night that I felt like I'm even a part of you guys." "And I have you to thank for that." "I'm gonna make this up to you, bro-beans." "Yeah." "Whoa!" "What's going on here?" "You guys crying like a bunch of babies?" "We're having a moment." "Well, the moment's over, you idiot." "I'm breaking you babies out of here." "Help me move this cabinet." "Come on." "Get over here." "There you go." "Oh, snap!" "Whoa, where does it lead?" "It leads to freedom, and $700 worth of pizza." "Get in there." "You make great cake." "I never told you that, but I love..." "I bought it." "And it was cheap." "Hey, let me ask you something." "What?" "If you don't want to be here, why did you even come?" "Just eat your cake." "No." "I'm not eating another bite until you tell me why you came here." "Fine." "You really want to know?" "Because even though I despise you sometimes, you're still the father of our son." "And we were married for 14 years." "And I'm still holding on to the hope that there actually might be a good guy in there somewhere." "Is that a good enough reason for you?" "Son of a bitch." "Oh, hi." "How are you?" "Sorry." "Sorry about that." "How'd you know this thing was here?" "Well, I get thrown in here just about every other weekend." "Last spring I said enough is enough." "I started digging this tunnel." "Six months later, voila." "You've got a lot of problems, mascot." "What are you, my mother?" "Get in there." "Sammy!" "Oh, shit." "What the hell?" "See you on the other side, asshole." "Code blue in the drunk tank!" "Sammy can't find out about this." "Agreed." "Okay." "And we can't do this again." "Totally." "Maybe one more time?" "Okay." "For the kids." "Yeah?" "Hey, guys, guys, the van!" "Get in the van!" "Guys!" "Come on, come on." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Go!" "Go!" "Get back here, Sammy!" "Screw you, Chet!" "Up yours, buddy!" "Go!" "God damn it!" "I'll see you guys next weekend!" "Give me some money for the pizza, come on." "I just need a little bit." "Jesus, that's it?" "Go, Ricky, here's the money." "Get out of here." "Mr. Bavooki's Pizza closes in, like, five minutes." "You can still make it." "Hop in the van, Ricky." "$14?" "Ricky, what do you want me to do?" "Most of the guys lost their wallets in the mud, okay?" "I need another shot." "Let's go." "Great attitude, Ricky." "Forget Bavooki's." "You should just come to college with me." "I could use an assistant." "Oh, God!" "Ahhh!" "Ow!" "But I'm still in high school, Sammy." "Who cares?" "Drop out." "Hey, where the hell have you guys been?" "We sobered up, so they kicked us out." "And we were in a different part of the hospital." "Doing what?" "Sleeping it off." "Yep." "All right." "Hey, hope you guys are hungry." "I bought everybody pizza." "Yeah, check it out." "Look at you!" "You got a dick on your face." "Oh, yeah, I have a dick on my face."