"# [rock]" "Ow!" "# Now really, if you want savage cruel and rough #" "# Don't mind digging like a dog #" "# While my clothes are off #" "# Demeaning with these bands #" "# I'm dining the straight nail #" "# I'm leaning for derail #" "# And leaving this female #" "# Kicking and a-screaming #" "# Kicking and a-screaming #" "# Stomping and a-biting #" "# Stomping and a-biting #" "# We're creeping and a-crawling #" "# We're coming for your daughters #" "# We're gonna make 'em holler #" "# Like a barbarian #" "# Why you so boring, baby?" "#" "# Don't you know I like feet?" "#" "# Do rubbing alcohol and slice some photographs #" "# Grab you by the piano #" "# Sit you on the saddle #" "# I'll know that you'll listen #" "# To me while I ramble #" "# Kicking and a-screaming #" "# Kicking and a-screaming #" "# Stomping and a-biting #" "# Stomping and a-biting #" "# We're creeping and a-crawling #" "# We're coming for your daughters #" "# We're gonna make 'em holler #" "# Like a barbarian #" "Hey!" "Ow!" "# You're going down #" "# You're going down, down #" "# You're going down #" "# Oh, yeah #" "# You're going down #" "# You're going down, down #" "# You're going down #" "Ow!" "# Kicking and a-screaming #" "# Kicking and a-screaming #" "# Stomping and a-biting #" "# Stomping and a-biting #" "# We're creeping and a-crawling #" "# We're coming for your daughters #" "# We're gonna make 'em holler #" "# Like a barbarian #" "# Like a barbarian #" "# Ooh, like a barbarian #" "# Like a barbarian #" "Ow!" "Huh!" "[children's chorus] # La la la #" "# La la la #" "# La la la #" "# La la la la la #" "# La la la #" "# La la la #" "# La la la la la #" "# La la la #" "# La la la #" "# La la la #" "# La la la la la #" "# La la la #" "# La la la #" "So how are things going with you?" "Well, everything was going great until they opened that Ta-Ta's next door." "They've been taking a lot of my business, some of my best girls." "But the district manager got paralyzed from bad shellfish." "Guess who's next in line." "I think I'm getting a little bored." "Guess who stopped by yesterday." "Who?" "Mrs. Silverman and her son." "Tom." "Hey, how is Tom?" "Oh, good, good." "He was with his beautiful pregnant wife." "Is that so?" "You don't really have a beautiful pregnant wife." "Nope." "Sure don't." "You don't even have a bastard child with an ugly woman out of wedlock." "Mom, he's paralyzed." "That means I'm next." "Okay?" "That means I'm district manager." "Things around here are going to change." "Just like they were going to change when you became restaurant manager." "Good-bye." "[slurping]" "Look, honey," "I care about you way too much to let you work there, so I'm going to have to put my foot down." "Cool." "You do that." "Allison, listen," "I don't want you to be groped inappropriately, except by me." "Come on." "It's a gateway job." "Yeah." " Ow!" "What the fuck?" "You'll be working a stripper pole within a year!" "You're going to be a young mother with lots of dollars in your pooswah!" "# [hip hop] Hey, Mami" "Hey, Mami" "Hey, Mami" "Hey, Mami" "Hey, Mami # You sexy #" "Hey, Mami # You sexy #" "Hey, Mami # You sexy #" "Hey, Mami # You beautiful #" "Hey, Mami # You sexy #" "What's up, stranger?" "Oh, my God!" "Hi." "Hi, honey." "Baby doll." "Oh, my gosh." "So today's the big day, huh?" "Yeah." "I finally took the plunge." "Well, do you want the grand tour?" "Yes, please." " Okay." "I've never worked in a place like this before." "Oh." "You'll be fine." "You know." "Come on." "Okay." "Hey, Mami" "Hey, Mami" "# You're cute #" "[Man speaks Italian on radio]" "[sighing] [exhales]" "[Man continues in Italian]" "Hey, Josh." "Josh." " Hey." "Uh..." "Man, you look like unshaven shit." "Thank you, Amber." "Thanks." "You're making a big deal out of nothing." "It's not nothing." "I'm haunted." "Every night, I have the same Weeds dream." "Everything starts off great, and then I get set, like, four tables all at once." "Hey, there, folks." "I'll have a Pepsi." " Okay, Pepsi." "She'll have a sweet tea." "How about raspberry tea?" "Is that all right?" "How about no?" " Oh." "Hot tea." " Okay, hot tea." "We're catching a movie, so we need you to rush our order, okay?" "[Woman] Excuse me!" "Uh, just one second." "Yes?" "What's your fish of the day?" "We don't have a fish of the day." "Did I say decaf?" " Yeah." "We haven't looked at the menu yet." "If I get the salad bar with my steak-- [speaking foreign language] What is that, German?" "I need a steak well-done!" "The printer ran out of ink." "Whatever." "There's a problem in the kitchen." "All the orders were deleted, okay?" "[Woman] Oh, my God." "Are you kidding me?" "[Man] I want the salad bar." "[screaming] [bleating]" "Then I end up naked in front of the entire restaurant." "You're a vagina." "You've just been working too hard." "Whatever." "Hey." "Miguel, that's more than 3 ounces of cheese, my friend." "We talked about this before." "Less queso." "More listen-o." "Okay, Allison." "All right." "First thing we need to do is get you an outfit." "Mm-hmm." " Okay?" "Uh, sizes are small, extra small, and extra extra small." "Oh, uh, extra small?" "Mm-hmm." "Then you probably want to wear an extra extra small because management likes your ass to hang out a little." "And by a little, I mean a lot." "Cute." "Oh, no jewelry." "Oh." " Sorry." "Yeah, management says it makes you look trashy." "But" "But they have approved nipple rings." "I don't know if that helps." "Uh, you get 50 percent off food, except for desserts." "I guess that's about it." "Just, um, saddle up." "[chuckling]" "Cool." "Here?" "I m-- now?" " Yeah." "If you have any questions about anything, to squeeze in anything" "You'll be right there." "...tuck anything in or pull anything out." "Yeah, I" " I think I'm good." "I think I'm good." "Okay." "Okay, Miguel, if you're going to step up and work under me on Friday night, you got to keep your cool, okay?" " Yes, ese." "Friday's the hardest part of the job during the rush because we also have to do all the toasting." "And all the fucking French onion soups, which, as you can imagine, is pretty time-consuming." "Now, we get it all, okay?" "So when the shit hits the fan, and it's going to hit the fan, Miguel, you better not freak out or something." "All right?" "A lot of people can't hack this." "Sí, sí." "I know, ese." "And you better have a sense of humor tonight." "Okay?" "If I start screwing with you, just-- joking around or something like that, or if you mess up and I call you on it, don't run off and pussy out and start whining." "You got to have a pretty thick skin if you want to work with me." "Seriously." "Sour cream Sanchez!" "Olé!" "Olé!" "[laughing, shouting in Spanish]" "See, all over his" "Ahh, he makes me laugh." "[Man] Mmm..." "Hey, Natasha." "You're looking sexier than a bag of tits." "Thanks, Agnew." "So are you." "Are you still dating Allison, or can you see other people?" "Who?" "No, I can" "I can see whoever I want." "Speaking of, what time you getting off tonight?" "Actually, I'm getting off right now." "[grunting] I'm not working tonight." "Man, that sucks." "Because wouldn't it be great if we were getting off simultaneously." "Don't worry." "You'll get off soon enough." "Okay, we get it." "You two want to fuck each other." "Natasha, go be a whore elsewhere, okay?" "Agnew-- [groaning] go plot your next date rape in the kitchen, or your station's going to be empty all night." "Hello, Naomi." "Hello, Fuck Boy." "Hey." "You got everything you need?" "Ha ha!" "Good one." "All right." "Hey, Hank." "Heard you had a little b-day shindig." "How it was?" " It was all right." "Just a few peeps over at the apartment complex." "Uh, any hot chickens there?" "Or was it a pud party?" "There was a few cuties." "Amber and Kristy swung by." "That was nice." "Oh, really?" "Uh, oh." "Well, sorry I couldn't make it." "I couldn't, uh, be invited." "Uh, listen, Hank, would you mind pushing top shelf tonight?" "And, uh, go easy on the elbow." "I got a bunch of half-naked chicks next door." "They are hawking hot wings and camel toes." "Ugh." "Hey, come here, little lady." "Where you going?" "Give me a twirl." " Yeah." "Mmm, very nice." "Very nice." "Seriously, if I were still in my bi phase," "I would eat your ass like a sandwich." "What?" "[laughing] Gotcha." "I'm still in that bi phase." "Raddimus, have you met Allison yet?" "Oh, how can I forget that?" "Ahh." "No, I don't think we've met." "I'm Raddimus." "Hi." "So it's her first day, and I got to jet." "Could you show her around the kitchen for me?" "Oh, love to." "Thank you." " Love to." "Yeah." "Show 'em what you got." "Okay." " Okay, baby." "Okay." "The grill's over there, the freezer's over there, and the pick-up area is right there." "Great." "Cool." " Mm-hmm." "Got that." "Anything else I should know?" "No, not really." "Uh..." "Oh, yeah." "There is one thing." "Hmm?" "Did Hailey tell you about this little game we play around here?" "Mm-mm." "No." "Oh." "Okay." "Let's play." "I don't know." "We'll do a little stretching first." "Jesus." "Come on, baby." "[Boy, rapping] Call me crazy, I might be." "One time I fucked a tiger with my right knee." "Suck a cow's tits." "Suck a cow's tits." "You can't suck her dick 'cause a cow is a chick." "What's up, Nick?" "What's up, T-doggie doggie dawg?" "My name is Theo." "Quit acting like that." "Come on, nigga." "You always be my T-dawg, right?" "You know, white kids acting black, that's so passé." "Shit was passé when we did it." "Let it go." "Bitch." "The next position is called the clitar." "You take your panties" "Now, are you left-handed or right-handed?" "Right." "Right-handed." "Right on." "So then you go-- all right, baby?" "Then you just start jamming like Stevie Ray Vaughan." "[imitates guitar]" "Raddimus!" "Nobody's going to play your stupid vagina game." "All right?" "Give it up." "Hey, Dan, uh, corporate didn't mention you were com" "Uh, come on in, man." "I was just, uh, going over some figures here." "Perfect." "That's what I came to talk to you about." "Seems we haven't gotten your numbers in a few weeks." "Everything on track?" "My numbers?" "They're good." "They're excellent." "Hoo, that is a relief because you know corporate." "They're all about the numbers." " Yeah, man." "Especially with that district manager job up for grabs." "Well, um, it's a good thing my numbers are so good, then." "Yeah, let's just have a look." "No, they're not finalized yet." "I don't want to steal my own thunder, man." "Let's just have a little peek at the thunder, huh?" "It's no-- [grunting] [whistling]" "I'm going to make my numbers this weekend, Dan." "Come on, man." "I've got 9 Gs to go." "Yeah." "That's great." "Doesn't the quarter end tonight?" "[beeping]" "Yeah." "Come on, Dan." "We used to make our numbers all the time before you guys opened that titty bar next door." "Titty bar makes numbers, babe." "They do what it takes to win." "Now, if you don't want to play it tough, we'll just give that district to the manager next door." "He's a hot shot." "[gasp] Oh!" "This is not my office." "How'd you get in here?" "[giggling]" "That tickle?" "Are you going to press charges?" "Wait." "Come back." "[gasp] Oh." "Oh, Allison." "Heh heh." "What's up?" "What a gorgeous day to start." "You look amazing." "Come." "Walk with me." "How long has it been since we worked together?" "Like, two years?" "Oh, my God." "A lot's changed in those years." "Hey, ladies." "Hey, don't be jealous." "Seriously, it's so unattractive." "You're going to love working here." "The tips are great." "Hey, Cal." "Hey, beautiful." "And your boss is a push-over." "We're like one big, happy family." "You know, I'm the father, and you're my daughters." "Well, you know, step-daughters." "Whoa." "Things really have changed." " Yeah." "Cal." " Yo." "Can I get you to approve this schedule change for me?" "Autograph?" " Oh, you're the best." "You got it, sweetie." "[whistles] Hey, gorgeous!" "Josh, you just got to come to a show." "You won't believe it." "I'm starting to dance, which is tricky because of the height thing." "But because of the balance, I'm not tipping anymore." "I'm just boom, standing tall." "Hey, old man, did you fuck that lady last night?" "You know, the one with the freckles on her chest?" "I bet you did, huh?" "Did you fishhook her?" "Did you give her the four-finger spread?" "Did you spit-- Let me smell your moustache." "Did you get it in there?" "Uh-huh?" "Did you spit on it?" "[moaning, chuckling]" "What happened?" "Don't worry about it." "You know what?" "I'm actually thinking about getting out of this racket." "Start concentrating on the band full-time." "Oh, the band." "Well, you'd better get cracking there, Old Man River." "I'm actually getting a lot of paying gigs." "The MySpace getting tons of hits." "Got, like, 500 friends." "This guy dropped a virus on there so when you click, you hear my music." "A virus?" " Hello." "What about all the poon you've nailed here?" "I mean, who's going to fuck all the cougars?" "Life's not just about nailing poon, bro." "[imitates static] Uh, Dr. Faggot, uh, your cock seems to be parked in another man's asshole." "[laughing]" "Why are you such a dick?" "Don't ask." "[Man] So what have you and your little boyfriends been up to lately?" "Dad, I told you." "We're not gay, we're just a couple of open-minded guys." "My son, the rope-sucker." "Yeah." "[chuckling]" "You know-- [belches]" "I blame the failure of our marriage on you." "Sweet." "When I knocked your mom up," "I told her I'd do the honorable thing and pay for the abortion." "And she was like," ""Oh, I think I want to have this baby."" "And I was like, "Bitch, you are having it tonight."" "It's coat hanger o'clock." "Good one." " Good one." "[blowing raspberries] [laughing]" "Ta-Ta's isn't going away, Dennis." "You got to learn to fight scrappy." "It's hard to be scrappy when half my girls are over there now." "I got nothing on the floor but dudes." "It's like a Viking ship." "Aah." "And I'm trying to have a kid, man." "Hey." "She's a babe." "It's" " That's" " I" "She came with the frame." "Sad." "No girl is going to get interested in me if I'm a store manager in a strip mall." "I mean, your wife didn't get interested in you until you were a district manager." "I'm better-looking than you." "You picked a terrible time to screw up." "Shull is in town." "The regional manager?" "Shitty puppy." "[Dan] Yeah." "[Dennis] Aw, come on." "This is ridiculous." "He's looking to make an example out of someone." "Your Shenaniganz got closed for culinary general contact." "Tone." "You just got to help me get this promotion." "Jesus, Dennis." "Try to have some dignity." "Don't talk to me about dignity!" "You ever have a whole fraternity shit on your chest?" "And then not let you in?" "Not a fraternity, no." "The bottom line, if you don't hit your numbers, if you don't have a $9,000 day, you will not get that district manager job." "All right, I'm going to be totally honest with you." "If we don't hit our numbers, if we don't make a $9,000 day, then the restaurant is shutting down." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "What?" " Down?" "If we're gonna be short a few thousand dollars, they're gonna shut us down?" "That doesn't make any sense!" "It's a senseless crime." "That's corporate for you." "They'll shut you down like that." "We've never come close to 9 grand." "Hey, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be, right?" "Hey, hey." "Hold on." "Let me tell you a little story." "Ow!" "1983, it's the play-offs." "We're facing the toughest team in the whole high school region." "They only had, like, two white guys." "Who gives a shit, Dennis?" "If he put me in, I would've fought like a fairy" "Dennis, he doesn't put the male cheerleader in." "If he had put the male cheerleader in, then I would've tried like the dickens to get that ball into the end zone and so must all of you-- all of us tonight do so also." "I'm putting a lot of promotions into effect." "I'm going to get the early evening menu going." "[all groaning] I understand." "The elderly aren't the greatest tippers, but I'm telling you, they're going to give us the most beautiful afternoon pop right before the dinner rush, okay?" "And please remember, the-- [whistling]" "Huh?" " What's that?" " ...effect." "Thumb fight?" " The butterfly effect." "I told you about the butterfly effect." "One little thing goes wrong, the whole flow of the restaurant goes out." "And I'll tell you one thing." "Austin Kutchner wasn't kidding around in that movie." "[Agnew] Kootchman?" "You know who I'm talking about." "Who?" " Ashman Kitchnens." "He wasn't bullshitting." "End of meeting." "Oh, one more thing." "Inappropriate language in front of the guests." "Oh, that guy's a dick." "[all talking at once]" "Come on, come on." "I do it, too." "I say shit and ass and pud as much as the next guy, but not at a 9-year-old's birthday party." "Clean it up." "[whispering] I am so fucked." "# [folk] [old woman] Charlie, get my shin/knee." "# Come, my love #" "# Let's take a little walk #" "# Just a little ways away # [inhaling]" "# While we walk #" "# Along, we'll talk-- # # [hip hop] Welcome to Ta-Ta's." "I've got a table waiting just for you." "[Woman rapping] # Booty, booty, booty, booty #" "# Booty rockin', show stopping' #" "# Everybody back poppin' #" "# Knees jerkin' girls working', workin' #" "# Take this time for cookin' #" "# Don't stop it, get it, get it #" "Oh!" "# And everybody watching' #" "Yes." "# Let them know you're workin'-- #" "How about top-shelf for a dollar more?" "All right." "I have a granddaughter." "Thank you." " Wait" "Ugh." "Fucking old people." "That's all I need." "I don't give a shit that ice cream used to cost a nickel back in your day." "I need to get paid, you raggedy-ass bitch." "Hey, lactard, I think your nachos are done." "[sizzling] Aah!" "[all laughing]" "You're an asshole." "I'll have a Pepsi." "She'll have a sweet tea." "God." "Uh, so, uh, what can I get you folks to eat?" "I'll have whatever he's having." "Okay." "Uh, I'll have the same." "Medium-rare." "There are a few dos and don'ts here at Ta-Ta's." "Come on." "Whenever you send a check, okay, you got to go "Ta-Ta, girl."" "And the kitchen goes" " Oh, yeah." "See?" "Whenever you have a spare minute, management wants you, like, dancing-- [men making cat calls] ...or hula hooping-- [whistling, cheering] ...or, like, simulating any kind of a sex act." "Now-- what management doesn't tell you is this." "You are in a restaurant full of hot girls." "Wars are waged, alliances are formed." "You try to stay neutral, you're going to get killed." "[men cheering, whistling]" "Yes." "[Agnew] Oh, man." "I would love to "F" her in the "A,"" "and then "C" all over her "Ts."" "Hmmph." "Well, I never." "What?" "Does she work for the CIA or something?" "How did she decipher that code?" "Fuck her." "Amber." "Amber, Amber, come here." "Listen, this is kind of weird, but I'm thinking about" "I've been thinking about experimenting with homosexuality." "And I" "Oh." "I don't think I'm gay, but you know, since you got that whole" "Asian schoolboy look going on," "I think having sex with you would be a good way to test the waters." "What do you say?" "Screw you, Agnew." "Oh, come on." "I'll make it hot for you." "[English accent] Hello, love." "Top of the morni" to ya." "Huh?" "Biscuits and tea." "Oh, hello, hello." "Naomi." " What?" "What?" "You told him?" "About my accent fetish?" "I was drunk." "Why the fuck are you telling me anything anyway?" "Oh, so it's my fault?" "I have a drinking problem." "And I don't intend to do anything about it." "Come on, moppet." "Show us your pink bits." "[clears throat]" "Those aren't real." " Fuck off." "Amber." "Amber." "So is it just, you know," "European accents that heat up the kitty?" "I mean, what about a bartender with a Southern drawl?" "What about an African dude going-- [clicks tongue]" "I'm a speech major!" "What about, like, a Middle Eastern guy?" "[speaking mock Arabic] -- la BMW." "[chuckling] [chanting mock prayer]" "Shit, man." "The restaurant can't close." "I just got a 75-cent raise." "Finally starting to get more hours, starting to learn the grill." "Can't catch a break." "Mason, why don't you get the fuck out of here and go smoke a cigarette?" "Actually, I was just about to" "Don't argue with me, boy." "But see, you're telling me to do something" "Go out that fucking back door right now and smoke a cigarette." "Wait, but I-- Don't you "but" me, boy." "Get the fuck out of here." "I'm leaving now to go have a cigarette because I want to-- [metal clanging]" "At least they're not picking on me." "Why can't things go back to the way they used to be, son, huh?" "Because that shit got old." "Shit, it got old being wannabe gangsters." "[rapping] # Sniffin' all my bitches #" "It got old when we were Goth." "# Fuck you in the stink pit #" "It got old when we were ravers." "# [techno]" "It got old through all of it." "# [heavy metal] # [folk] # [classical]" "I mean, it was pathetic." "I mean, we were pathetic." "Smoking cannabis, huh?" "[scoffs] Fuck you." "Fuck T-dawg." "[mumbling]" "Thank you, sir." "[Dennis] Right this way." "That's right." "There you go." "That's it." "That's the out door." "[Naomi] Smells like a dog took a shit in here." "Good-bye, sir." "Thanks for coming." "Die." "Die now." "Watch your step." "Die-die." "Die." "[humming]" "2,000 lousy dollars." "2,000 lousy dollars?" "Those doddering, drooling motherfuckers." "Hey, Dennis." "I am being ruined, Hank, ruined by those sluts at Ta-Ta's and those pud-wackers at corporate." "You sure use that word pud a lot." "What are you talking about?" "Pud." "You say it a lot." "It's a word." "You know, I could take it or leave it." "What's the matter with you?" "# Floating #" "# Like a ghost man #" "# Floating #" "# Like a baby #" "# Swaying #" "# In your mother's arms #" "# Sleeping like a baby #" "# Fans stay all in light #" "# And friends stay all in hide #" "# For they talk him up #" "# Together #" "# Together #" "# There's life flowing #" "# Sounding #" "# For the season #" "That's cute handwriting." "It's all real nice." "It just" "No, I'm sorry." "I just-- I don't think you're a good fit for our establishment here." "These tits were chiseled by God." "I don't think you have the right temperament." "You know what?" "Fuck you, Calvin." "Oh." "Okay." "[laughing]" "You're still a fucking dork to me." "Good to know." "I'll keep that in mind." "Bye." "Calvin." " Yo." "There's this really creepy old guy in the corner, and he's kind of skeeving me out." "Oh." "Okay." "I got this." "Dennis?" " Hey." "How are you?" "How's it going?" " Good." "Pretty great." " Okay." "Great." "[chuckling]" "[whispers] I'm screwed." "[slurping]" "[Agnew] Man, I love tits." "[Hank] No shit." "I mean, hairstyles change, you know?" "But tits, tits never go out of style." "That's what I'm saying." "What do you guys think is the best size?" "A-cup." "No question." "[all laughing]" "Ha ha!" "What a gyp to get stuck with A-cups, huh?" "No shit." "Maybe it's even better to be flat-chested because then you're not objectified as much, and you're taken more seriously, you know?" "You're just saying that because you have a crush on Amber." "Christ, man, you got bigger tits than she does." "I'd say C-cups." "Definitely the best." "No, no, no." "You give me a pair of some big old dirty Ds." "Till you get them out of the bra." "Because then all you got is cylindrical pudding oozing down to her stomach." "That's when you fuck them in the pool." "Buoyancy takes effect, makes them perfectly round." "That's science." "What do you think the girls at Ta-Ta's talk about when it's slow?" "Menstruation and whatnot." "Yarn." "The violence in the Middle East isn't going anywhere." "I don't care what kind of foreign policy we implement." "It has nothing to do with that." "I'm telling you, the men there are so sexually repressed because women wear those burqas." "They never show their tits." "And Middle Eastern women have huge tits." "Massive." " Mm-hmm." "Almost makes you want to be Middle Eastern." "Almost." "I understand things are tough, man." "How about a half-off dessert promotion with a Ta-Ta's receipt?" "Desserts have a huge mark-up, yeah?" "Yeah, I guess so." " Okay, perfect." "We will start that next month." "I can't start it next month." "I don't have time to start it next month!" "I'm sorry." "My mother was right." "I'm pushing 40, man." "I'm not married." "I don't even have any prospects." "Yeah, I understand, things are tough, man." "I'm going through a bit of a crisis myself." "Really?" "Yeah." "I'm trying to decide which of those three chicks I want to nail tonight." "Get in the ropes, you know what I mean?" "Oh, for fuck's sake." "I'm sorry, man." "That's me being a dick is what that is." "You're a dick." " Yeah." "Let me buy you a cup of water." "You know, when I was on the fryer," "I said to myself, "If I could just be a server," "I'd make enough money that I could start getting women."" "So I left the fryer, and I became a server." "Making the money, nothing." " Right, right." "I said the same thing when I was the assistant manager, then store manager." "Nothing." " Geez." "Man!" "If I can just hit district manager, then I'll be pulling some hot trim, and I don't mean whores, either." "Hey, Cal." " Hey, hot pants." "Hey, you know what?" "Naomi said that you weren't a ladies' man." "That you couldn't even piss in a public bathroom." "That was the old me." "Come on." "How did you change?" "First thing I did was got over my pissing phobia." "That was the root of my problems." "So what if some dude checked out my schmack in the bathroom?" "I couldn't let that turn me into a pussy." "It's like, if I'm not man enough to piss at a urinal with other men, how can I gonna be man enough to take a girl's ass cherry?" "I cannot agree more." " Right." "But then how did you get to the point where you could talk to women?" "That's a good question." "It all started when I was still a waiter back at Shenaniganz." "I was talking to this high school girl, and she rejected me, like all of them did back in those days." "You okay?" "Something wrong?" "So I got home, did a little Internet surfing." "You know, just general browsing." "Checked the stock portfolio, like you do." "And I began thinking about my situation and how shitty everything was..." "[Woman moaning] and it really bummed me out." "[sobbing, moaning]" "I fought through the depression for a while." "But ultimately, it got the better of me, and I was spent." "So, as I sat in my chair, depressed..." "I remembered what Monty said to me." "He said women like assholes." "So I found this Web site that teaches the art of being a complete asshole to women." "[chuckling] All the fundamentals." "Women like assholes?" "And that was it." "Yeah." "I went and picked up a copy of the DVD." "Here it is." "And then, when I started nailing hot chicks by acting like an asshole," "I started being an asshole, which is totally cool." "Yeah." "[cell phone ringing] Oh." "Aah." "It's Kristy again." "She keeps calling." "She's like, "Mmm."" "I knew I shouldn't have invited her over for that threesome with Sherry." "[chuckling] I'm kidding." "That's me being a dick again." "There was no threesome." "I just fucked her." "Heh heh heh." "Hello, sir." "Are you sick of those cooze queens out there flaunting their shit in front of you, only to leave you high and dry?" "Yeah." "You know us men." "We make more money, we reach higher management positions." "And what do women have?" ""Menstruation?" Take it, it's yours." "Pregnancy?" "Oh, dear me." "You mean I don't get to lactate?" "Perfect." "I'm Ken Halsband, and in the next 45 minutes," "I'm going to change your life." "Maybe you don't need sleep." "If you're not sleeping, think about tired stuff before you go to bed." "Josh, quick, how much change in my pocket?" "[jingling]" "Agnew, come on." "We're chillin' here." "I don't know, $2.00?" "Oh, so close." "Buck-60" "You're slippin', man." "What would the Jew elders think?" "Hey, Agnew, you think being a racist is going to make it easier or tougher being a cop?" "I'm not a racist, dick." "I hate everyone, all right?" "Old people, gay people, fat people, virgins." "It doesn't matter." "Think I care that Joshua is a Jew?" "No." "I mean, I'm not gonna borrow money from him or anything." "Why'd you take your bling off?" "Because you're right." "I'm not black." "I'm not gangsta." "I'm just a chubby kid trying to fit in." "But I don't." "[Naomi] We're so fucked!" "All those slits and tits next door, the fucking whores." "They didn't hire you, huh?" "No fucking restaurant's going to hire me." "I'm too intimidating." "I called Kiwi's to see if they're hiring." "Only lunch shifts." "I have a friend who works at Nacho's." "I really don't want to work at a Mexican restaurant." "Ugh." "[Hank] Who does?" "Mexicans." "Hey, watch it, fuckers." "Could've told me he's right there." "[Naomi] Nacho's won't hire me either." "I wrote "Nachos sucks"" "in dog shit on their front wall." "How'd they know it was you?" "All right, it was my shit, okay?" "So just-- just leave me alone." "Got a figure out a way to keep this crap hole from closing." "Hey, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be." "You shit in your hand?" "I believe that the positive energies that you put out in the universe" "That's kind of hot." "Go on, Eugene, talk to her." "I-I can't." "I masturbate to thoughts of talking to women." "Crap, I do that." "Later on, we'll get into good opening lines that'll break a chick's spirit." "But for now, let's concentrate on learning how to separate the pussy from the chaff." "Obviously, you just want to hit on chicks that'll put out." "So you have to establish a hierarchy." "Take these two over here, sipping the water." "You want a bunch of sober chicks that are going to be peeing all night?" "Unless it's on you, forget it." "Now, this one over here drinking the Long Island iced tea, bingo." "Now, I'm not saying it's okay to have sex with women when they're drunk because" "All right, I'm saying it's okay to have sex with them when they're drunk." "How else are you going to get laid?" "Now, our friend over here with the cigarette, if she's willing to risk lung cancer, she's willing to risk a sexually transmitted disease." "And that's a good thing." "Look at this one with the tat." "Tat always means good to go, right, Eugene?" "Right." " Wrong." " Not okay." "No." "That's a tattoo of a cross." "That means loves God." "Right." " Wrong again." "See the earrings, see the necklace?" "Multiple crosses." "Let me break this down." "One cross, loves the Bible." "Four crosses, hates step-daddy, loves cock." "[Eugene] Huh." "I want bad Christians." "Now, the key is to find a girl with several of those traits." "You show me a girl who's drunk, smoking a cigarette, with a tattoo on her back does tons of drugs, and I'll show you a girl who'll take two dicks in her ass at the same time." "I couldn't sit down for a week." "And that's not a bad thing." "And speaking of drugs," "I highly recommend you start buying them." "Hey, Dennis?" " Oh, hey, Agnew." "How you doing, man?" "Uh, I got to run home real quick." "My roommate locked her keys in the car, I have her spare." "[blowing raspberries] Chicks, man." "They'd forget their own vaginas if they weren't attached to their legs-- to their torsos." "Good one." "[blowing raspberries]" "Asshole." "[bubbling] [sniffing]" "Who's smoking weed?" "Guys, what the hell?" "Hey, hey." "That's not cool, man." "Can I get a hit of that?" "Hell, no, Mason." "You never share your motherfucking weed." "I always share my weed." "Is that true?" "Sí, he shares." "Yeah." "I'm not selfish." "Mmm." "Huh." "What did Amber have to say?" "She was looking for you." "She was?" "Now's the time to make your move, lover boy." "Olé!" " Olé!" "[laughter] Son of a bitch!" "[all laughing] [chatter]" "Huh?" "Allison, what the fuck?" "It's just one cigarette." "All the girls come out here to smoke." "It's a good excuse to come outside to, like, hang out." "I was barely inhaling." "You've been working here for one day, and you're already turned into Lindsay fucking Lohan?" "You take that back." "Agnew." "So that's your boyfriend." "Can I have that?" "If a girl's all messed up on drugs and alcohol and half-asleep," "I don't think I'd feel right having sex with her." "[Ken] That is a moral dilemma, Eugene." "Wait a minute." "I think I have an answer." "Fuck her, and then the next morning, fuck her again when she's sober." "If she lets you fuck her again when she's sober, then you're out of the woods." "If she doesn't let you fuck her again, then you got a little bit of a problem." "But wait a minute." "It's not that big a problem because somebody just got laid, and that's a good thing." "Fuck corporate." "Meet Dennis Moynahan, district cooze manager." "[grunting]" "Hey, Naomi." "You been crying like a little bitch in your office?" "Looks like this place is gonna fill up pretty soon." "How's it going up here?" "Boring as shit." "I hate you." "Maybe you got to work on your attitude because I've noticed lately you've been sort of a Negative Nancy." "Well, I'm going to be a real Cunty McShitterman if you don't let me back on the floor!" "Hey, Naomi, you're pretty good friends with Kristy, right?" "No." "She a heavy drinker?" "We're all heavy drinkers." "I just" "I know she smokes." "Does she smoke, uh, marijuana cigarettes?" "She have a tattoo?" "Are you a fucking insurance agent?" "Get the fuck out of here!" " Hi." "Hi, cooze queens-- cooze persons." "Three?" "All righty." "[Woman] Yeah." "Ladies." "Excuse me." "[laughing] [groaning]" "Uh-oh." "Someone's parents didn't pick them up." "Hello, Amber Alert." "[exhales]" "Oh, my God." "This guy is being such a jerk." "I just asked him if he wanted the Early Bird Special, and he's like, "Do I look like I can't afford--"" "You want me to shit in his food?" "Kristy, look at me." "I will shit in his food." "No, I don't think-- That" " That's too much." "How about I tug one out in his refill?" "No, I" " That's-- He doesn't deserve that." "Crop dust." " Crop dust." "Hey, Chuck." "How's your asshole?" "Hey, Suze, come here for a sec." "[sighing]" "Hey, Suze." "How's it going?" "Good." "[chuckling] Good." "I want to ask you a question." "Who do you think is sexier?" "Trina or Sherry?" "I mean, they're both pretty fucking sexy, but if you had to choose one, gun to your head, who do you pick?" "Uh, well, I wouldn't pick either of them, personally." "But that's just me." "Are you out of your mind?" "Seriously, have you gone crazy?" "Look at those girls." "They're fucking smoking hot, those girls." "They have virtually no body fat, except where it counts" "So?" "Neither do I." "Oh, wow." "Interesting, no, I just never thought of you, you know, like that." "You know, you're hot, but, I mean, are you sexy?" "Being a slut doesn't make you sexy, Cal." "It helps." "Well, maybe." "You know, but I'm still, like, 150 to 250 percent sexier than both of those bitches." "Can you prove it?" "Fine." "And that's how it's done." "Yeah." " Right?" "She's totally hot." " Yeah." "You said she wasn't." "She liked that, yeah." "She liked that." "Okay, guys." "We want to detonate quietly." "We want it to creep up on him and grip him like a noose." "I got one brewing." "Mason, you going to be okay with this?" "You're not going to shit on yourself again, are you?" "I hope not." "You know, like, owning what I'm up to." "[Man] Yeah, I know." "Really in the spot." "Just get some chicks." "Just, like, decent-looking." " Yeah." "Decent-looking." " They were cute." "[whispering] I'm running on empty." "[grunts] [fart] Ugh." "Oh, no." "Smell it?" "[Mason] No, no." "God please, no." "[fart] Do I smell weed?" "Bro, that ain't weed." " Ugh." "Tell those tools it's on me." "Smells like-- like broccoli or something." "Here's your drink, sir." "The bartender took extra special care of it for you." "Is there a problem with your ventilation or something?" "You know, I don't know, but I will certainly check on that for you." "All right." "Look." "You dropped your napkin." "[fart]" "I am sexually aroused right now." "Ow." "Here." "You dropped that." "[fart] [groans]" "[Man] Aw, man." " What the fuck?" "Ladies and gentlemen," "Trivia Night is going to start in 15 minutes." "Why does every conversation dead-end with us talking about tits?" "Because tits are what this entire empire is based on." "I mean, it's inevitable." "Girls with big tits talk shit about the girls with little tits." "The girls with little tits talk shit about the girls with big tits." "The girls with real tits talk shit about the girls with fake tits." "What about the girls with fake tits?" "What about them?" "They just try to get along with everyone." "And, yeah, okay, so maybe they got fake tits." "But it really helps them make extra tips, so it's kind of like a business investment, and maybe there's a tiny self-esteem issue there." "But screw you for judging-- them." "Whoops." "Hey, Kristy." "Let me ask you a question." " Hey." "Uh, who do you think is sexier?" "Amber or Naomi?" "Amber, I guess." "Oh." "She's younger and not so burnt out." "Uh, do you think she's sexier than you are?" "I don't know." " Because I do." "Okay." "That was really mean, Dennis." "[phone ringing]" "Hello?" "[Dan] Hey, Dennis." "Just checking to see how it's going." "Oh, uh, real good." "I'm very, very confident I'm going to get those num" "Yeah, give me a chili dog and curly fries!" "So did you rally your guys?" "Yeah." "You know," "I gave them one of my famous halftime speeches" "You didn't tell them the restaurant's closing, did you?" "Uh, yeah, I did." "Jesus, Dennis!" "Well, for what it's worth, I told Shull you're the right man to run the district." "I really talked you up." "Oh, yeah?" "Great." "[chuckling]" "But he didn't seem to care." "Said if you're one dollar short, you'd better get used to sucking Calvin's farts." "[chuckling] His words." "Later." "[slam]" "The ass is the new vagina." "The ass is the new vagina." "The ass is the new vagina." "The ass is the new vagina." "As a result, my mouth tasted just like buttermilk." "Fucking great." "Black people." "Can I get some hot sauce and Kool-Aid and not tip?" "Agnew, did you ever stop to think maybe it's because of the white power structure in this country screwing over minorities, and they make less money, and, you know, don't learn the etiquette of tipping?" "You ever think of that?" "All right, Malcolm X." "You want my table?" "No, I don't want to mess up the seating rotation." "[sighing] Shit, what do I want to eat?" "Didn't even know we had egg rolls." "That's really" "Why you so shy around her?" "Dude, shut up." "You want me to go say something for you?" "No, no." "Hey, I'm serious, all right?" "That shit's not funny." "[clearing throat] Mase, what's it gonna be, man?" "We got to get it in quick before the rush, or you're not going to eat." "And you can't miss a meal." "Uh, well, it's between the hamburger and the chicken sandwich." "Uh, had a hamburger yesterday." "I've been in the mood for chicken, so" "You're gonna order the chicken sandwich." "Yeah." "Yeah, I think I'm going to get the chick" "Don't think here." "I'm not offering it up for debate." "I'm telling you, you're gonna order the goddamn chicken sandwich." "Yeah, but I was about to order the" "Don't you "but" me, boy." "You're gonna order the chicken sandwich because I am telling you, I will it." "The end." "You know what, Chuck?" "Fuck you!" "I'm gonna get the hamburger." "Hmm." "I want the chicken sandwich." "You're goddamn right, you do." "You're gonna order that chicken sandwich right now, Mason." "Now." "With fries." "Curly?" " Yes." "[phone ringing] [Naomi] Shenaniganz." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." "[Man on phone] 8 rib-eyes, 2 New York strips, What?" "4 Greek salads" "Okay, let's go!" "Look at this!" "Let's move, let's move." "Come on." "Whoo, whoo, whoo." "[Mason] Step up, will you?" "[chatter]" "Mary-Kate and Ashley, what's going on around here?" "[Mason] Naomi just put in a massive to-go order, like, a couple thousand dollars' worth." "Thank you so much for your business." "You really saved my ass." "My caterer got killed on the way to the office." "Yes." "Okay, men." "Thanks to a Hail Mary pass in the seventh inning, we are back in the race." "Ha ha!" "2 points." "Okay, we can still make that sales goal and save this restaurant." "You know what that means." "This can either be your biggest failure or your greatest triumph." "And I don't want to frighten anybody, but if we don't have an absolutely perfect dinner shift, then you're all out on your asses, maybe even deported." "So let's pull it together and win, win, win one for the home team." "And remember, what is going to happen to each and every one of you if this place closes down?" "[Chuck] We'll be able to go on unemployment." "[cheering, laughter] # [rock]" "Here you go." "Okay, all right, okay." "[laughing] [cheering]" "One margarita, our special" "Remember the butterfly effect." "Go, go, go!" "Okay, you've got a Wang Chung, a dime bag, and a beef vagina walking back." "I got a booger chicken, a burnt tube steak, and a Whitney Houston." "I need a Lincoln brown eyes, two kids' dicks, and a stripper on the rag." "# You said look but don't touch #" "# How can you tease me, oh, so much?" "#" "# When girl, I'm begging you, please #" "# You got me on my knees #" "# Oh, yeah, you sexy thing #" "Got to be careful." "Hi." "# Never did all that I really want #" "# It's everything you do #" "# That makes me sing this song, yeah, girl #" "# I could sing it #" " Oh, dear." "You guys picked my table." "[bell ringing]" "Ow!" "[laughter]" "Folks, my name is Joshua." "Can I get you anything?" "Do you have a salad bar?" "What's your fish of the day?" "No, we don't have a salad bar, and we don't have a fish of the day, either, all right?" "I-I am so sorry." "Um, can we start over?" "My name is Joshua, and I need help." "Can I get you any?" "Hey, guys." "I'm really sorry, but I messed up table 37." "They want honey-glaze on the side." "Don't you worry." " It's okay." "Kristy, I love you." "Do you think you could change it for me?" "Don't you worry." "It's okay, mami." "Okay, I'll" " I'll be right back for it." "Okay, thank you, guys." "Bye-bye." "Mmm, mmm." "Hey, guys, table 68 changed their order." "They need that steak well-done." "[all yelling]" "Just this party of two here." "Right this way, ma'am." "I'm sorry." "You're a sir." "Will you tell Naomi to get her ass up here?" "Uh, follow me, please." "Well, hello there, folks." "It's great to see you this evening." "Hey, you too." "How long for two of us?" "Uh, just a few moments." "We had a little hepatitis scare in the kitchen, but we'll have it cleaned up in a jiffy." "I can get your name, though." "Two?" "We're going to hit a movie, actually." "We don't want to miss any of the, uh, advertisements." "I-Is there something wrong?" "Where you going?" "Come back, come back, come back." "It's only Hep A." "[laughing]" "Do you work out?" "Why doesn't she just wear knee pads and get it over with?" "Totally." "I think I can read her lips in those shorts." "If she comes on to one more of my regulars-- [clears throat]" "Hi." " Hi." "Hey, how's your first day going?" " Good." "Good." "Well, if you need any help at all, you just let me know." " Thank you." "You know, maybe sometime you could help me out with my outfit." "I mean, your top is so symmetrical." "Thanks." "Hey, Raddimus." "Yo." "So, I was, uh, thinking about your little game and that position you were telling me about, and I was thinking that if you bent your knees a little more, wouldn't there be a better view from the backside?" "I don't know, it's just a thought." "What a nice girl." "[Woman moaning]" "[no audible dialogue]" "Oh, I'm sorry, sir." "We don't allow pets in the restaurant." "Oh, no, he's a guide dog." "It's okay." "Are you deaf?" "We don't allow dogs." "I don't think you understand." "I can't see." "He's my guide dog." "He's allowed in." "Why would you go to a tit joint if you're blind?" "Answer that one, Stevie Wonder!" "You know something?" "If you had a cane," "I'd beat you over the fucking head with it!" "Hey." "Naomi." " I would!" "What?" "What the hell are you doing?" " I'm helping." "Why don't you go help over at Shenaniganz, where you work?" "You're kidding me." "She doesn't even work here?" "Stay out of this." " Sorry about this." "I'll have someone take care of you immediately." "You." "Sweet tits." "Now get the hell out of here." "Fuck!" "Goddamn cocksucker." "No wonder they're blind." "What are you looking at?" "Fucking blind people." "Hey, hey." "[speaking French]" "You are incredible." "[giggling]" "Fucking foreigners." "[Agnew] Okay." "Six Courvoisiers coming right up." "Okay, I'll get that right up for you." "Excuse me." " Yeah, yeah." "What the fuck is this?" "I'm just going by rotation." "Fuck off." "Well, start rotating the Canadians somewhere else." "I want to get off the Soul Train." "Do you have room for a party of four?" "No." " Yes, we do." "Yes." "We do." " No." "Great." "No, no." " Mm-hmm." "Hey, hey, hey!" "Adrian Aiden, it's your birthday." "[Cal on microphone] Take it away, ladies." "Ta-Ta's style." "# Love will break your heart #" "# Don't you worry #" "# Love will break your heart #" "Whoo!" "# Gonna get you good #" "# Gonna make you hurt so bad #" "# Whoh-oh #" "[Women] Happy Birthday." "[cheering, applause]" "Hi, sir." "I'll be taking care of your service." "Can I get you something to drink?" "Uh, yeah, playa." "Y'all got any Kool-Aid?" "No, we do not have any Kool-Aid." "Well, then, I guess I'll have a glass of Bordeaux." "Naomi, how many people on the waiting list?" "Oh, my God." "We might just pull this shit out of our asses after all." "[buzzing]" "Yeah." "Ahh." "[giggles]" "You sure know how to pour." "# [jazz]" "# Call your heart unreliable #" "# Call your dream undesirable #" "# Call your heart an unreliable fool #" "To our future." "You know what I like most about you, Dennis?" "What's that?" "Your money." "# Happiness is unachievable #" "# See, it is until it happens to you #" "Oh, yeah." "# And then #" "# One day #" "# You'll fall in love #" "# Walk around in circles #" "# ["Flight of the Bumblebee"]" "Thanks." "[buzzing]" "[splat] All right." "We've got the house salad for you, sir." "And the broccoli cheese soup." "Thank you." "[Amber] Enjoy." "[buzzing] Wait." "There's a fly in my soup." "That's disgusting." "Can you cancel my broccoli cheese soup?" "What other soups do you have?" "Um, French onion." "Yeah, let's go with that." "Wait, ma'am." "I'm-- I can replace" "Excuse me, can I switch mine to French onion too, please?" "French onion, please." " French onion." "Come on." "Hurry." "# ["Korobeiniki"] Get out of my way!" "[Man] French onion here." "Okay, focus, focus!" "French onion, French onion." "Fuck me!" "Aah!" "Son of a bitch!" "I need fries and onion rings." "Uh, it's going to be a few minutes." "You are fucking me, Mason!" "It's gonna be a minute!" "Watch it." " Out of the way, Miguel." "Mason, you look stressed." " Shut up." "[everyone shouting over each other]" "Hey, Mason." " Shut up." "I'm busy." "At the buzzer, 3, 2, 1." "Aah!" "God damn it, leave me the hell alone!" "Oh, relax, man" " I'm not gonna relax, okay?" "You've been picking on me all night." "Now quit it." "[mocking Mason] Yeah, suffering succotash, that sucks." "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "I thought we were in this together, you know?" "Cooks against the waiters?" "You keep attacking me!" "It's never been "us" against "them."" "It's always been me against everyone." "No one's ever done me any favors." "My dad was-- is-- is a drunk." "Look, I-I know what it's like." "My dad's an asshole, too." "I've got four brothers, and he named them all Mason so he could screw over the IRS." "And it didn't even work." "Now we're all still named Mason." "It's" " It's fucked up." "You think that's bad?" "Let me show you something." "This is what happens in my house when you spill paint in the garage." "Sour cream Sanchez!" "[all] Olé!" "Son of a bitch, I'm out of here!" "Mason." " I hope this place does close down." "Screw you all!" "I quit!" "Oopsie." "[laughing]" "I forgot to punch out." "[all shouting]" "I want our money back!" "[Woman] Fuck this place." "[Man] Yeah." "I'm not putting up with that shit!" "Naomi, why haven't you set Table 43 and 44 yet?" "I have the ten-top that's going to your station, okay?" "So go run some food, and I'll get your table set up." "Sweet." "Thanks." "Son of a bitch." "Uh, I don't know where the manager is." "Nice carry." "Goddamn!" "Get that shit up and move it outside." "What's wrong, Jew?" "Dropped a quarter or something?" "[sighing] I fucking hate him." "Hello?" " Hello?" "Um, hello?" "This is ridiculous." "We've been waiting 45 minutes, and we still don't have our food." "[speaking fake foreign language]" "Okay, I had the manager comp your appetizer." "I had to wait an hour for veal parmesan that tastes like her ass." "Looks like you two are getting along." "Fuck you." "Hey, big guy." "Here's your napkin." "Looks like you chicks know how to party, and I like that." "Hank, let's go." "Two free ones." "Two of what?" " Drink thingies." "That's it." "We're never eating here again." "This place is a death trap." "This wine is a fucking asshole." " I agree." "Excuse me, can I have some more coffee?" "Okay." "# Land mine for your love #" "# Soldier gal #" "Bam." "I would totally buy your CD." "Naomi." "Naomi." "Naomi, what happened to my ten-top?" "And why did you seat me four tables at once?" "'Cause Chuck said he'd get me free drinks if I quadruple sat you." "Why would he do that?" "Because welcome to your nightmare, bitch." "[laughter]" "Motherfucker." "[Man] That waiter was" "[Man #2] A total douche bag." "There you go." "Hope you enjoyed everything." "I need you to do something for me, Agnew, okay?" "What's that, sir?" "I need you to start trying to be a better person." "[laughing] What are you talking about?" "I'm a great person." "I mean, I-I" "I joke around a lot, but" "Yeah." "But after years of always joking', you may find you're no longer jokin'." "Oh, what the fuck?" "Josh, you still pissed about that?" "Yes!" "I'm still pissed about it." "Aw." "Come on." "You shouldn't be." "[sighing]" "You have the cutest little balls I've ever seen." "[grunts]" "Fuck this!" "I quit." "I don't think he took that the right way." "[alarm disarms]" "Well, well, well." "Nick and T-dawg together again." "Hey, you two used to be some pretty good rappers, as I recall." "We were fucking jokes." "White kids that want to be black is a little dated and cliché." "Let me tell you what isn't." "White kids that want to be white." "Hey, fuck you, whitey!" "Okay, you are all set." "Thank you so much." "Have a great one." "I used to work here." "Really?" "Wow, crazy." "So what do you do now?" "Oh, I'm a danc-- you know, an exotic-- like-- a stripper." "Right." "You" " Right." "[laughing]" "Um, so how's the money?" "Oh, I mean, look." "I started off, like, as a normal waitress, you know?" "And I never even thought I'd work at Ta-Ta's 'cause the outfits are so low-cut and" "But I swore to myself that I would never take off my clothes for money." "You know, never, until I met a girl who worked at Cheetah's, and she made, like, 500 bucks a night" "Whoa." " ...so I did that, you know, for the money, totally." "But I told myself I would only do a topless bar, like, no bottomless." "No way." "No, no, no." "And then I found out how much they make." "Like, at the all-nude clubs, and so..." "Doing that for a few months." "But, like, no contact." "I mean, I work with girls who do that, and" "I don't know, part of me wonders when I'm going to let go of that boundary too, right?" "I mean, right?" "Um..." "For the money, just for the money." "Right, uh, anyway, thanks." "I need to talk to you." "No." "Mm-mm." "You were so awesome today, baby." "Hailey, what's up?" "What is up?" "Uh, I quit." " Oh, why?" "I just found out I can make, like," "$500 a night working at Cheetah's." "Cheetah's, whoo!" "God, we lost a good one." "So, we still on for tonight?" "Um, let's do it another time, okay?" "Listen, the important thing here is not to blame yourself or Trina." "Trina?" "Yeah, um, she won the battle." "But hey, listen, I have confidence, if you really bring the sexy, you can win the fucking war." "Screw her, all right?" " Done." "Ugh!" "I promise you that any sick shit that that trashy bitch can do" "I can do, like, ten times better." "Keep that energy." " Bitch!" "Just bring it." " You bitch!" "Keep that passion." "That's what I'm talking about." "Hey, baby." "Hi, Cal." "Love you." "Okay, listen." "I just need to close up here, and, uh, I'm going to hook up with my boy." "I'm going to pick up some party favors." "And we're going to party all night long." "Oh, my God, awesome." "[muffled yelling]" "Hey, I'm even getting some muscle relaxers, in case you want to bring your "A" game." " Yeah." "All right, I'll see you later, all right?" "[chuckling] [exhales] All right." "Let's do this." "Don't get me wrong." "I mean, the band rocks." "I go onstage, people stop eating." "It's just that I feel if I don't make my move in the next few years," "I'm going to become that creepy old guy, you know, that guy." "Well, good news is being an old-ass bartender is pretty depressing, too." "[chuckles]" "Especially in a place like this." "I mean, holy shit, this is a bigger dump than the one I worked in." "[exhales] You know, it's funny." "I was at a bit of a moral crossroads myself a few years ago." "I didn't want to be a server, and I didn't want to get stuck in upper management, so I quit." "See, that's what I'm talking about." "You followed your dream." "Yeah." "Yes, I did." "I was unemployed for a long time." "And, um, I got so desperate," "I took a job at Jack's Steak House as an assistant manager, which was then bought out by the company that owns Shenaniganz." "I fucked it all up, uh" "You know Internet porn?" "I think I must have drifted because I lost, uh" "I tried to" " I jumped out of a window." "But it was a second-story window, and I broke my ankle, and I got sort of like a little head injury, then I became addicted to" "Have you ever heard of, uh, OxyContin?" "[knocking] [toilet flushing]" "Oh, yeah." "Got to piss." "[unzipping]" "[trickling]" "[unzipping]" "[whispers] Yeah." "Ohh." "[whimpering] [zipping]" "So if you're on MySpace, get the fuck off of it." "Be honest with yourself." "I don't know, I don't know." "Because of the drinking, I tend" " I get very verbose." "And some of the other pills I'm on, it makes me kind of ramble." "Here's my point." "You got a great moustache." "Oh, this is what I was going to tell you." "Whichever path you choose, it's just going to go like this, and then it's eventually going to go-- straight back to the middle." "That's where you're going to spend the rest of your life-- [whistles]" "But it won't be so fast, like you know it." "It's going to take a while, man." "You're going to pick up some hobbies along the way." "You're going to probably going to do a lot" "You're going to become a chronic masturbator." "And then eventually, you're going to be like," ""Holy shit, should I put on a blue shirt, or should I kill myself?"" "I always put on the shirt." "So, fucking irony of ironies, here I am with a head injury, uh, top dog in the Shenaniganz world." "And now what I'm going to do is trample on the soul of a middle-aged man." "Which sadly, is one of the only joys that I have left in my life." "That and, um, as I said," "Internet porn and OxyContin." "Hmm." "Tell you what I'm not going to do." "I'm not paying for that drink." "Thanks, man." "Okay." "[sighing]" "You don't deserve an ugly bastard stepchild." "Well, well, well." "You knew the score, and you let me down." "And you know what that means?" "It means you tarnished the uniform." "I know what it means, Dan." "It means you don't have what it takes to handle district." "[clearing throat]" "Get up." " Sit down, dude." "Sit down." "Hey, Dean." "Mr. Shull, okay?" "You don't get to call me Dean anymore." "You got some mayonnaise or semen on the collar of your shirt." "Listen, Dennis, I'm really sorry, but" "I'm sorry it didn't work out." "It looks like you're going to be store manager for a few more years, and I do apologize about that." "But, uh, if Dan here is any inspiration, you know, you can, uh, certainly learn a lot from his incompetence." "[laughing] That's right." "Not a compliment, Dan." "Whenever you get down about yourself, whenever you have moments of self-doubt, just look over here and say, "It could be worse."" "Thank you." " I mean that, man." "Well, thank you." "I have a lot of pity on you." "[clears throat] Okay, well, that was a good trip." "I need, uh, I actually need some money." "Cash, right now, if you could." "$20 would do it." " I got a" " Yeah?" "I need about 20." " $20?" "Make it a 50." "Just round up." "Make it an even 50." "That'll make it easier for me." "Um, sure." "Perfect." "Ask, and ye shall receive." "Ulysses S. Grant, where the fuck did my life go wrong?" "[Kristy] So you think we made it?" "[sighing]" "Place seemed pretty busy, right?" "We're screwed." "You bitches better be dusting off your résumés." "Shit, I need this job." "Well, you know Ta-Ta's is hiring." "They're looking for bus boys." "Asian schoolboy busboys." " Oh." "Well, guys, we had a great night tonight." "We set a franchise record tonight." "[cheering] Yes!" "My God." "I told you." "All right." "Unfortunately, it was not, uh, enough." "We didn't make the mark." "We came in at 7,200." "What?" " What that mean, man?" "[all talking at once]" "[Naomi] God, I'm screwed." "I'm so screwed." "Fuck, so the restaurant's closing?" "No." "I mean, the restaurant is not closing down." "The restaurant..." "The restaurant was never..." "Dennis, what the fuck are you talking about?" "You lied to us" " Are you fucking with us?" "The restaurant isn't closing down because I paid the difference." "[Kristy] What?" " Really?" "You paid $1,800 out of your own pocket?" "[Agnew] You live with your mom." "I couldn't let them shut this place down when we were this close to the mark!" "This close to making it all the way to the top of the thermometer?" "How could I let that go by?" "I'm going to wind up in the gutter again, sucking meth for dick." "This restaurant stays open, and I am going to be its manager." "Of this restaurant." "Just this one." "Hey." "Dennis, um, we are going out, and I thought maybe you'd want to join us." "Do you wanna come?" " Really?" "Yeah, really." "Oh. [laughs]" "Is that a yes?" "Uh-- [clears throat]" "Well, I have a lot to do, so I'm" " I'll check my schedule." "Okay." "[laughs] [whispers] Yes." "He can maybe come." "[Naomi mumbling]" "Well, so, I told you, everything does happen for a reason, right?" "Screw Ta-Ta's." "[all] Yeah!" "[Naomi] Screw Ta-Ta's." "Calvin wouldn't know a pair of tits if it raped him in the woods." "I mean, seriously, you guys!" "Take a look at these!" "Whoa!" " Oh, Jesus!" "[Naomi] Yeah!" "Motherfucker, how'd you like these apples?" "Oh!" "Yeah, man." "[blowing raspberries]" "That's what you want to do." "[blowing raspberries]" "Yeah." "Yeah." "[laughing] [whispers] Wow." "Those are beautiful." "Hey, uh" "Heck, why don't you and I go get a drink?" "Oh, man." " Get out." "What'd you say?" "You said "Get out"?" "What are you pointing at?" "What does that mean?" "You're pointing at" "Did you leave something-- What's going on?" "[Hank] Guys don't play hard-to-get." "[Kristy] Yeah, they do." "They don't?" " No." "Hey." " Oh, hey, babe." "I got, like, another half hour." "Get a drink at the bar, if you want." "Yeah, um, actually," "I think you're gonna need to find another ride home." "What the hell are you talking about?" "I just realized you're not good enough for me." "We both knew that." "That never stopped you before." "Hey, baby." "You ready to go?" "I sure am." "What the hell?" "[laughing]" "Whoo." "Don't worry about it." "It's probably just sex." "Sh" "# She was in Milan #" "# Struttin' for Dior #" "# I was in Iraq #" "# Fightin' a little war #" "# Doing the best I could # There you go." "Thank you very much." "# To keep America free #" "Put it on his check." "Yeah." " Very nice, Dennis." "You're good at that, you little brown guy." "# What blue eyes #" "Love meeting people playing pool." "Oh, you need to make a shot." "I'm so sorry." "Kind of got me in the gut." "I think I've got a new recipe." " There he is." "It's a mushroom stuffed with ziti." "Hey, man." "How you doing?" " Hey." "You all right?" " Yeah." "Stay cool, kid." "See you." "Yeah, okay." "All right." "Okay." "All right!" "Allow me." "[Scottish accent] Hello." "My name's Stan." "What can I get you to drink?" "A shot of tequila." "Well, that's great, isn't it?" "Make it two." "All right, then." "Hold on." "[inhales]" "[Mason] Seriously, guys." "I'm" " I'm sorry." "You know?" "I" " I suck." "I pussied out." "I know you guys were only kidding with the sour cream Sanchez thing, and I took it personally, so put a quarter in my ass 'cause I played myself." "[chuckling]" "Hi." "There you go, miss." "Hey." "Amber, is it?" "I think I've heard about" " Hello?" "Went to the" " Shh, shh, shh." "It wasn't the fryer that was so overwhelming, you know?" "It was those fucking French onion soups that you stick in the goddamn toaster." "Aye." "God." "For God's sake, cunt bastard." "Do you know who I am?" "And I've got delicate hands, man." "I think, you know, I've got the princest." "Hello." "How come you've never talked to me before?" "I mean, really talk to me?" "We've worked together five or six times, and I never even knew you spoke like that." "Mmm." " No." "[chuckling]" "I love it." "I love the way you talk." "I just can't believe I never knew." "Most people don't think it's as cool as you do." "So..." "Wait a second." "You're fuckin' with me, right?" "Chuck put you up to this?" "Goddamn." "You're not gonna smear sour cream on my upper lip, are you?" "I got a lactose prob" "I just got some kind bud." "Do you want to go back to my place and smoke out?" "Oh, my God." "Yeah." " Mm-hmm." "Uh, okay." "Goddamn it." "You can do this." "Separate the pussy from the chaff." "Winner, winner, chicken dinner." "Hey, you." "You mind if I sit down?" "Naomi." "Hey, uh, you ready to get back on the floor as a server?" "I guess you've done enough time at the door, right?" "I think you've had enough time being a dick hole." "That's not very nice." "I was going to say you look pretty tonight." "[wheezing]" "Hey." "Hey, that's my" " Hey, hey." "That's my mouth." "Hey." "[purring] [meowing]" "Hey." " Hey, Cal." "Hey." "So, uh, let's get out of here, huh?" "Let's go back to my house." "I was thinking we could, uh, do some drugs, right?" "And make-- make out with each other." "There's something different about you." "You got a haircut." "No." "Same hair." "Just I got my hat on." "That's what it is." "It's the hat." "Oh." " It's pretty slick, huh?" "Why, is it not slick?" "Is something wrong?" "Listen, I'm going to stay here and listen to the band a little longer." "Why don't you call me later?" "Maybe I'll come by." "Okay?" "What?" "Maybe you'll come by?" "I have drugs." "[both screaming] [both grunt] [clatter] Ooh." "[grunting] [groaning]" "Aah!" "Does that say "PUD"?" "Oh, my God." "How'd that get there?" "Fuck it." "Whoa!" "Fuck you, loser." "Ow." "Piss in my asshole!" " No." "Shit in my mouth." " Wha" "# Can you look into my face #" "# And see the change that has taken place #" "# Can you tell?" "#" "# Can you tell I love you #" "What the fuck?" "What the fuck?" "Jesus Christ." " I" "I" "That's your dick." "This is my vagina." "I-I got to go." "W-what are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "I thought maybe that now that you're sober, you know, we could do it again and" "Sorry." "All right, fuck it." " Whoa." "[grunts] Ow!" "# Just-- just shut up #" "I have a kidney problem." "Uh, even better." "# I used to drink 40s #" "# But I hated the taste #" "# Put twists in my hair because I hated my race #" "# I hated my face when I looked in the mirror #" "# Things were fuzzy, but now they're much clearer #" "# Mirror, mirror on the wall #" "# Who's the dopest rapper with the biggest black balls?" "#" "# Not you or me, because we're white, remember?" "#" "# We're whiter than Santa Claus' pubes in December #" "# Socrates said be as you wish to seem #" "# I guess I wish to seem like a fat black teen #" "# I don't got a gangsta lean, I got scoliosis #" "# I say corny phrases like "Holy Moses" #" "# "Holy Moses" or "Holy Jesus" #" "# Can't decipher the universe, there's so many pieces #" "# But it doesn't make sense because "uni" means one #" "# So we're trapped in one verse that revolves around the sun #" "# And since "E equals MC squared" #" "# That means we're two MCs but our brain is shared #" "# Shared, shared, shared # [echoing] [gun cocking] [gunshots]" "# We're whiter than Santa Claus' pubes in December #" "# We're whiter than Santa Claus' pubes in December #" "# Just 'cause we're smart doesn't mean we're not gross #" "# I'll spread your pussy lips for Shenaniganz toast #" "# Yum, pussy toast, pussy, pussy, pussy toast #" "# I kill that pussy, then fuck your pussy's ghost #" "# Your clitoris is longer than a magic beanstalk #" "# When I climb to the top, a giant suck my mean cock #" "# I'm the Van Gogh of rhyming #" "# I cut up my own hymen #" "# Three fingers in, but soon I'll have five in #" "# I come so much, you'll be slippin' and slidin' #" "# My dick's higher on the "Wanted" list than bin Laden #" "# I fuck mad ducks 'cause I'm addicted to quack #" " Quack, quack." "# And they eat stale bread right off my fat back #" "# It's okay if you're chubby, that's why they got lipo #" "# I'll suck your back fat then I'll spit it at a white ho #" "# Got to stop bangin' those psycho dyke hos #" "# When I was 5 years old #" "# I was fuckin' on my trike, yo #" "# My cum is stickier than Krazy Glue #" "# Girl, you wearing contacts, your eyes are crazy blue #" "# I give bitches OCD, then they won't let me go #" "# 'Cause they need to have my dick #" "# Three times in a row #" "# Damn, three in a row like Tic-Tac-Toe #" "# I'll make your face red 'cause I'm a dick-smack pro #" "# You're good at riding dick but let's talk about BJs #" "# Your technique's sloppy like amateur DJs #" "# Well, my girl does it right, she drinks all my babies #" "# Her mouth full of foam 'cause she got slut rabies #" "Ugh, yuck." "[gun cocking] [gunshot]" "# Yum, pussy toast, pussy, pussy, pussy toast #" "# Yum, pussy toast, pussy, pussy, pussy toast #" "# Just 'cause we're gross doesn't mean we're not smart #" "# Got a dog named Napoleon, he chews my boner-part #" "# No, that shit doesn't matter, matter, matter #" "# You constellations of sperm to see the universe splatter #" "# I fucked a black hole to see my dick disappear #" "# Into a multidimensional creature's ear #" "# On a subatomic level, man, you're being kind of gay #" "# Get your ShoMoFo tongue in your mouth all day?" "#" "# We're just a pale blue dot suspended in a sunbeam #" "# Fuckin' bars of soap #" "# 'Cause it's time for us to come clean # [guns cocking]" "# I fucked a black hole to see my dick disappear #" "# I fucked a black hole #" "# I fucked a black hole to see my dick disappear #" "# I fucked a black hole #" "Keep stoned for days." "Suck a duck, yo." "Fuck you." "# [folk]" "Quit it." "Stop it." " I know." "[loud laughter]" "Who the fuck are any of you to laugh at me?" "Huh?" "Agnew!" "You big-eared, Cro-Magnon Aryan fuck!" "Why are you so racist?" "Using the "N" word isn't cool." "I don't use the "N" word." "Oh, yeah, good one." "[raspberry]" "And you!" "You walk into a place, everyone's like," ""Oh, he's hardcore." You play World of Warcraft, all right?" "You probably haven't even stolen anything." "You motherfucker!" "I hope you burn in hell!" "Yeah!" "Easy, Jew." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "I'm a musician." "Aah!" "[laughter]" "Yeah!" "[laughs]" "Yes!" "Come to me." "Come to me, ladies." "Yes." "Oh, God." "Oh." "Rub my chest." "Rub my chest." "Yeah!" "[laughs]" "Subtitles by LeapinLar"