"I know when to hold 'em" "Know when to fold 'em" "Know when to walk away" "But don 't know when to shut up" "Read them and weep." "This is the best day of my life." "Wait, even better than the day you met the Van Patten family?" "Hey, guys." "I remember the best day of my life." "It was when I did the wild thing for the first time." "I cut out of high school to go to Soul Train." "The next thing I knew, me and this honey was knocking boots behind the Soul Train Scrabble board." "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "You mean you cut high school in Akron, Ohio to go to Soul Train, which tapes in L. A?" "Hey, hey." "High school was boring, okay?" "Yeah, we believe that one." "Yo, man, I remember my first time." "Right before I came out here from Philly." "Miss X gave me an unforgettable going-away present." " Miss X." " What was it?" "A key chain, Carlton." "What do you think, man?" "All I'm saying is she was very special and this true mack here was solid gold." "Man, I remember my first time." "It was everything a young man could dream of." "And it only cost me 35 bucks." "But, of course, things were cheaper then." "That's very touching, Jazz." "Carlton, you've been mighty quiet over there about this here subject." "Maybe he ain't got nothing to talk about." "Lockjaw." "I thought we were here to play poker." "I think he's more used to playing solitaire." "Solitaire!" "I guess y'all don't know." "The only problem this stallion has is keeping the names with the faces if you know what I'm saying." "You know, Carlton, tell them about the time." " Tell them about the time." " Not that it's anybody's business but my first time will be a loving expression of my commitment to the girl of my dreams." "That's beautiful, Carlton." "I call." "Check it out." "Three kings and a virgin." "If I had a hammer" "Hey, I do." "Hey, Will." " Hey, what you doing here?" " I'm here to sign up for the reception." "The dean of the business school's a Princeton alum." " You know what that means." " You'll be kissing more butt than Arsenio." "Look, Dean Morgan could be my ticket into Princeton." "Kissing up is a small price to pay." "Well, you know what?" "Just try not to embarrass yourself again." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Last night, Carlton." "I mean, this innocence thing." "In high school, that was cute." "But come on, you're a man now." "Start lying." "I have nothing to be embarrassed about." "I'm waiting for Miss Right." "Carlton, please, forget about Miss Right." "Go for Miss Right Now." "Will, I don't wanna settle for just anyone." "When I was a kid, I used to sit in my tree house thinking for hours about my dream girl." "I can see her now." "She's got beautiful brown eyes and a smile that lights up a room." " Carl..." "Carlton." " She'll be a great dresser." "Sophisticated." "Beautiful long, dark hair." " Carlton..." " Let me finish, Will." "She'll love everything I love." "Money, lvy League schools and America." "Excuse me." "Can I pay for this Business Week now?" "The Princeton game is about to start." "I don't wanna miss the national anthem." "Hey, lady, we were talking." "Look, just a second." "I'll be right with you, all right?" " Carlton, man, it's her." " You think?" "Come on, man, baby is all that." "Go on, step to her and ask her out." " So you're a Princeton fan?" " Not really." "But my favorite singer is performing the national anthem." " Who's that?" " Tom Jones." "Stupid, ask her out." "My name's..." "Carlton." "Carlton." "Joann." "There's a TV in the student union." "Maybe we could watch Tom Jones together." "That sounds really nice, Carlton." "Hey, good catch, Carlton." "That girl's a..." "That girl's a damn thief." "She stole that magazine." "Hey!" "Bob, Bob." "Bob, calm down." "Bob, judges don't cry." "Bob, this is just an investigation." "Everything's gonna work out fine." "Trust me." "Okay, bye." "Yeah." "Bye, bye." " He's dead." " What's going on, Uncle Phil?" "That ethics committee is digging up dirt on every judge in town." "It's a witch-hunt, man." "A witch-hunt." "Goodness." "Clumsy me." "Philip, I thought you were getting the car." " What's going on?" " That committee nailed another judge." "I sure am glad we don't have anything to hide." "Will?" "Hey, look." "I found that Chevette." "The body was already in the trunk too." "Honey, come on, we're gonna be late for the party." "I am serious, Will." "You stay out of trouble." "The slightest indiscretion could cost me my job." "G, what is up with you today, man?" "I mean, you're seeming all jumpy at anything." "Jumpy?" "No, not me." " Come on, G, you can..." " Stop persecuting me!" "I've done nothing, I tell you." "Nothing." "You just can't get good help these days." "That was the most romantic afternoon I've ever had." "I knew you'd love the Tom Jones Museum." "I'm sorry we didn't make it to the Hall of Sideburns." "Here we are." "Do you live in this hotel?" "Oh, just until I find a new apartment." "You could come live at our house." "My little sister is almost 15." "It's time she moved out on her own." "I needed to laugh today." "Thank you." "Well, I don't want this to end." "It doesn't have to." "Will you marry me?" "You are too adorable for words." "Can I give you a kiss goodbye?" "Yes." "Tomorrow morning." "Well, what time should I come back?" "Just toast and coffee this morning, Geoffrey." "Geoffrey's not here, Hilary." "Can he do that?" "He was so upset, I gave him the morning off." "I better go check to see how he's doing." "Great, so what am I supposed to do about breakfast?" "Oh, here's a crazy idea, Hil." "How about you get it yourself?" "Fine." "Bel-Air Hotel?" "Get me Room Service." "I was up all night worried sick about you." "Where have you been?" "And how come you didn't call me?" "Oh, my God, that's my mom's finger." "Get it off my hand." "Pinch me, Will." "I'm in love." "I finally found the woman of my dreams." "And I did it." "The big it." "You mean you and Joann closed the deal?" "What are you guys talking about?" "Business, Ash." "Here, have some breakfast." "So who put the offer on the table?" "She did." "And the terms were so attractive, I jumped on h..." "It." "I jumped on it." "And don't worry I protected my investment." "Come on, come on." "Tell me everything, tell me everything." " What was that all about?" " Carlton lost his virginity." "I'll see y'all later, all right?" "Hold on a minute." "Geoffrey has something to tell us." "Hurry up, G. I'm late for work, man." "I have a confession." "Something so shameful, I had hoped it could remain buried forever." "Oh, I think I got a minute or two for this one." "I hope this doesn't have anything to do with the ethics committee investigation." "I'm afraid it does, sir." "I beg your forgiveness for bringing this pox upon your house." "That's all right, just don't take another morning off." "Okay, Geoffrey, let's have it." "I'm too ashamed to talk about it." "It's better if I show you." "You did a porno movie?" "Montreal, site of the 1976 Olympics  where some athletes become heroes to their countries  and where one man became the shame of a nation." "Geoffrey Butler, a long-distance runner representing Great Britain  was descended from a long line of running Butlers." "The hopes of a nation were on this promising runner's shoulders." "Alas, his best was simply not good enough." "Halfway through the race, young Geoffrey Butler hit the wall." "But unfortunately, he would not accept his defeat." "In this amazing footage shot by Japanese tourist, Hashi Takashi  Geoffrey Butler's unthinkable actions were captured." "Geoffrey Butler's false victory was short-lived." "The Takashi footage was released almost immediately  and the public was outraged." "Geoffrey Butler dropped from sight, never to be seen again." "To his countrymen, he is the shame of a nation." "That's the shameful secret I have kept inside for 17 years." "Hey, hey." "Hey, G, man." "Hey, we ain't laughing at you, man." "I guess we kind of are." "Hey, G, why don't you run into the kitchen and get me something." "Or better yet, take a cab." "Sensitive lot, aren't you?" "Oh, Geoffrey, the committee won't care about any of this." " They won't?" " Of course not." "You're a servant." "Get me some cake." "Geoffrey, what you did was not a crime." "It was stupid." "So you mean I'm not gonna cause you any embarrassment or scandals?" "No, no." "Oh, man." "Hey, G, hold on." "You mean, that's why you came to America?" "That's right, Master William." "When did you get your green card?" "Green card?" "What green card?" "Welcome to the ULA Business Reception." "Weenie?" "You are what you eat, buddy." "Hey, there he is, ladies." " The love machine." "Okay, one at a time." " Will." "Okay, two at a time if you think you're ready, baby." "Come on, Will, it's hard enough for me to think about anything else." "Oh, man, I understand." "I remember my first time." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "She gave you a key chain." "There's Dean Morgan." "Oh, I can't just walk right up to him." "Haven't you learned anything from your experience last night?" "You want me to sleep with him?" "Carlton, I'm saying when you want something, go for it." "Now, he's over there." "Just walk over and introduce yourself." "Excuse me, Dean Morgan?" "Carlton Banks, class of '97." "I read your paper on the rise and fall of IBM." "I call it the feel-good financial analysis of the year." "Let the butt-kissing begin." "Yeah, Banks, Banks." "Yes, you're the chap who wants to transfer to Princeton." "That's my alma mater, you know." "Really?" "Well, quelle surprise." "Do you know what it takes to be accepted into Princeton, Mr. Banks?" "Inspiration." "And one phone call from me." "Oh, this must be fate." "I had my inspiration yesterday." "I found a woman who makes me believe that anything is possible." "Well, I feel the same way about Mrs. Morgan." "Oh, here she is now." "Sweetheart." "Carlton Banks, I'd like you to meet my wife, Joann." "Hey, it is great to see you two together again." "You've met my wife?" "I mean, it is great to see you two together again." "Do I know you?" "Well, see..." "I'm the manager of this place, and there's a phone call for you." "Well, who is it?" "It's your uncle." "My only uncle died three years ago." "Then you should take the call because it's probably really long-distance." "Excuse me for a minute." "I'll leave you two to get better acquainted." "I don't think that's possible." "Why didn't you tell me you were married?" "It's not that simple." "You're telling me." "I mean, this will make it very hard for us." "Carlton, there is no us." "My husband and I are separated but he called this morning and we're working things out." " But yesterday..." " No, I was upset." "And you were so cute." "Well, you made me feel better." "Look, I'm not proud of myself." "I love you." "Oh, Carlton." "It was just one night." "I've been waiting my whole life for that one night." "I'm so sorry." "So what happens now?" "We say goodbye." "Hey, look, Carlton, man." "I'm s..." "I didn't..." "You have to go through this every time you come up here?" "No, I take the ladder." "She used me, Will." "Of all the students in all the universities in all the world, she had to sleep with me." "I feel lower than dirt." "That would be what, rocks?" "Yeah, I feel like rocks." "Really dirty rocks." "You were right, Will." "There's no girl of my dreams." "Hey, Carlton, check it out." "How about we go down and we discuss this on solid ground, huh?" "I'll buy you some rocky road, baby." "No." "I'm never coming down." "Carlton, you're gonna have to eventually come down." "What happens when you gotta go to the bathroom?" "Down the hall, third door on your right." "I'm so stupid." "I'm a stupid, dirty rock." "Carlton, man I've been thinking." "Maybe if I didn't play you so much about being a virgin maybe you would've took things a little slower." "And you would've realized that Joann wasn't "Miss Right."" "Maybe if me and Miss X had taken things a little slower maybe we'd be a little better off than we are right now." "Is the almighty Will admitting he was wrong?" "Well, there's a first time for everything." "Of course, you know that." "Look, if you don't mind, I really wanna be alone right now." "All right, all right." "Hey, you mind if I use the ladder this time?" " Do whatever you want." " All right." "You don't hate me, do you?" "No." "It's a nice tree house you got here, man." "At least you didn't outgrow your furniture, huh?" "Oh, you know what?" "I'll never forget my first time, man." "It was right before I went back to..." " I remember that time." " You remember that time?" " I remember that time." " I was there." "You was there?" "I remember that time." "I bet she remember it too." "Okay, hold it." "I mess my line up." "That's next year's Emmy right there."