"Sure was sweet of the neighbors to let us piggyback on on to their garage sale." "They didn't let us." "I just started throwing crap on their lawn." "They're too polite to say no." "It's the one up-side of having religious nuts as neighbors." "Mom, just because people smile and wave at us, does not make them religious nuts." "Hmm." "Either way, the meek are about to inherit a big ball of tangled Christmas lights." "Well, that's how we're gonna play it, let's giveth unto them Mike's old snow tires." "Gangway!" "Starboard!" "Starboard!" "Starboard!" "Starboard!" "On my starboard or your starboard?" "Whichever one doesn't crush my barnacles against the wall!" "Guess what I bought from the religious nuts?" "You got to be kidding me, Vin." "I want that eyesore out of here." "Hold on, Joyce." "You got to picture it all fixed up, with me on deck in my Speedo, like Aristotle Onassis." "Couldn't you have stopped him?" "You've seen him in that Speedo." "Oh, I tried to talk him out of it, but he made a very good argument." "What?" "I get to be first mate." "♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪" "♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪" "♪ For the first time in my life ♪" "♪ I see love ♪" "♪ I see love ♪" "♪ For the first time in my life ♪" "♪ I see love ♪" "Yeah, I got to admit, man, I had my doubts, but this boat is really starting to shape up." "Even smells better since you found whatever died in the hull." "I don't know what that skeleton was, but the thing in it's belly was a turtle." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "What... what are you doing over there?" "I'm sanding." "You're treating it like it's a piece of wood." "It is a piece of wood." "No, no, no, a boat is like a lady, so you got to touch it like a lady: gentle." "Front... to back." "Front... to back." "I know how to touch a lady." "All right, show me again." "There, nice and easy." "Go with the grain, make it come alive." "Half the work, twice the reward." "You had me at "half the work."" "When we're done, the Jolly Joyce will be the prettiest tug on Lake Michigan." "Jolly Joyce." "Those are two words I'd never put together." "Although it will make it harder for her to take an ax to something that's named after her." "Exactly." "Why do you think so many boats are named after women?" "Not bad." "Not bad." "With those big mitts of yours, we'll be done in no time." "And then we set sail." "You betcha." "We'll find our own secret fishing spot and yank in so many trout, your grandkids won't even know the species existed." "I always loved fishing as a kid." "Any sport where you could sit, really." "Oh, your old man take you out?" "All the time." "Some of my best memories with him." "Well, you and I are going to make some new memories." "Like the time you ran and got me that beer." "When was that?" "Right now." "Permission to go ashore and procure us a couple of cold ones, Captain." "Granted." "And procure some Lysol." "The Jolly Joyce still stinks like dead turtle." "Okay, h-hold still!" "Ow, ow, ow, ow!" "I'm not even touching you." "Oh." "Ow!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Got it!" "Ooh, splinters and blackheads are my specialty." "Stay away from my nose." " We'll see about that." " Hey, hey." "I can't believe I was out there for six hours." "I sanded off half my fingerprints." "According to my right hand, I don't exist." "You know, I've been kicking around some names for the boat." "Uh, there's the Good Golly Miss Molly, or," "I like On the Good Ship Molly-Pop." "Yeah, Vince is calling her the Jolly Joyce." "Well, that's a stupid name." "No, it's-it's not ready yet anyway." "We still got to patch the hull, grease the motor," "Flemish the lines, and unplug the scuppers." "Ooh, hello, sailor." "Vince is teaching me all the terms." "I think he likes passing down the knowledge." "Oh, you're like the baby boy he never had." "Yeah." "Uh, oh, and he also taught me that a boat is like a lady." "Remind me to show you my new sanding technique." "Don't know what that is, but I think you're gonna want to rename it." "Boy, we had a blast out there today." "Hey, did you know that Vince was in the Merchant Marines?" "He lied about his age so he could join when he was 17." "You know, he's actually a fascinating man." "How much varnish did you inhale today?" "So much." "There's something sexy about men in boats." "Well, not those men and not that boat, but... you know what I'm saying." "Hey!" "Is Mike still out in the garage?" "Uh, yeah." "He and Vince are having so much fun, they're peeing in jugs so they don't have to come inside." "What's in the bags?" "Well, you know how Mike's birthday's coming up, so I got him boat slippers, a boat tie, and a gravy boat in the shape of a boat." "You have no idea how hard it is to get presents for somebody who has no interests." "From now on, it's all boats, all the time." "I hope he doesn't get seasick of it." "Get it?" "I do get it, and so do you." "Happy belated." "Oh, you shouldn't have." "No, it's... it's a bong." "But I'm glad you did." "I think it's sweet, the two of them doing this little project together." "I thought you hated that boat." "You told Vince that ship's the last thing he'll be going down on." "Now it goes back." "Let me tell you a secret about marriage:" "when your husband wants something, always say no first." "It's all about give and take." "If they think you're giving them something, you can take whatever you want." "It works great for cults and pyramid schemes too." "Say what you will, but know what I saw when they dragged that piece of junk up the driveway?" "Two tickets to Tom Jones." "I've already picked out the thong I'm gonna throw." "Since when do you wear underwear?" "Funerals, Tom Jones." "Look, I want to go on your boat, but this thing makes me look like an idiot." "Can't I just wear my little arm floaties?" "Sorry, man, ship's rules." "Every passenger has to have their own life vest." " What about you?" " I'm crew." "I'm not wearing that ridiculous thing." "Wait till you see this boat, Carl." "She's a thing of beauty." "I'm telling you, Vince really knows his stuff." "Yeah, you two have been getting pretty close during this little Sea-do re-do." "You know, we have." "And that's the magic of this boat." "She showed me Vince in a completely different light, and I'm proud to call him my captain." "I'm happy for you." "And for me." "'Bout time you found somebody else to look up to." "What are you talking about?" "Well, in my quiet way," "I've given you guidance all these years." "Okay, one:" "you've never been quiet, the only thing you've given me is a bad case of hemorrhoids." "And I'll always be there for you, Mike." "Just like your hemorrhoids." "Look, what Vince and I have is different, you know?" "I actually think he kind of sees me like a son." "Yeah?" "That's sweet." "Yeah, if I can make his life a little happier by playing along, so be it." "You're a good man, Mike Biggs." "Thank you." " I taught you well." " Wear your floaties and your vest, you're going overboard." "Okay, now bear in mind, it still needs a little more work." "Got it." "Okay, and I might have talked it up a little more than I should've." " It doesn't look exactly like the boat from Jaws." " Oh." "You're still gonna buy a harpoon gun though, aren't you?" "Oh, yeah." "I don't care if we never use it," " it's just gonna look cool." " Yeah." "Okay." "Here she is." "♪ Ta-da!" "♪" "That's a great trick, now make it reappear." "What's going on?" "Where is it?" "Hey, fellas." "Vince, what the hell happened?" "Where's the boat?" "Oh, you'll never believe it." "Somebody actually bought that hunk of junk." "What?" "It was the craziest thing." "The mailman's at the box, he sees the boat." "I give him this whole BS spiel about taking her out fishing on Lake Michigan." "Like the one you gave me?" "Exactly!" "That sucker swallowed it hook, line, and sinker." "Offered me three times what I paid for it." "Next thing I know, the mailman's towing behind his tiny Jeep." "It-it looked like a little ant pulling a French fry." "Why didn't you call me?" "Well, why would I call you about me selling my boat?" "Because we worked on it together." "Believe me, that did not go unnoticed." "You worked hard, you deserve a tickle." "It's not about the money, you jackass!" "Well, it was just a bunch of boards and a motor." "What are you getting so cheesed off about?" "Because I'm a bigger sucker than the mailman." "This is for the bright-orange, non-refundable life vest." "Okay." "Where's Mike?" "Why would you think he was here?" "Well, his car's in the driveway, his shoes are by the door, and you're holding a big corner piece of lasagna." "That's pretty much the smoking gun right there." "Look, I don't know what you two were fighting about, but he's right and you owe him an apology." "We are not fighting." "Well, he's upset about something." "He marched right upstairs to his old bedroom and has been playing records on his hi-fi ever since." "He's playing records on his hi-fi?" "Is he gonna go to the sock-hop after that?" "He was never invited to the sock-hop." "It's a damn shame." "He was the best dancer in that school." "He used to throw me around like a rag doll." "Please don't give me those visuals." "Well, if you didn't drive him back into mama's arms, what did?" "Vince sold his boat." "Mike had a boat?" "No, Vi..." "No, Vince sold his own boat." "Why would Mikey care what that salami in a sweat suit does with his boat?" "I think he was looking forward to going fishing with Vince, like he used to with his dad." "What the hell are you talking about?" "That rat bastard never took my boy fishing." "He always promised to, but the closest he ever came was dropping Mikey off at Long John Silver's, while he went to the booby bar." "Oh, boy, okay." "Mike's gonna really need this lasagna." "I never liked that Moranto clown." "Tell Mikey I'll be back." "Where are you going?" "To see a man about a boat." "All right, just leave the lasagna at the door, Ma." "Oh." " It's me." " Hey." "How much of that did you see?" "Uh... enough to know I want to date the drummer." "Very funny." "You okay?" "Oh, I'm perfect." "I'm a grown man, laying in his childhood bed doing an air drum solo." "No red flags here." "When I'd have a really rough day in high school," "I'd come up to my room, I'd slam the door, and I'd do a really angry river dance." "I can't believe Vince." "What kind of person leads someone on like that, making all sorts of promises he never planned on keeping?" "Yeah." "Kind of sounds like someone else you know." "Who?" "Your father." "Oh, you are way off on this, okay?" "Everything isn't daddy issues." "No, with you it's mostly mommy issues." "This is kind of a nice change of pace." "Look, Mol, I promise you, this-this deal between me and Vince has nothing to do with me and my dad." "Although, they are both liars, and they both reek of Aqua Velva." "And they both promised to take you fishing." "And never did." "Is that why you made up the stories about your dad?" "I guess I just wanted those to be true." "Sure as hell beats the real one." "Well, I want to hear the real ones." "What's to say?" "I walked in on him one day and he was packing his suitcase." "I said, "Where you going?"" "He said, "I'll be back tomorrow to take you fishing."" "So I woke up early, and I got my pole, and I waited for him on the porch." "But he never came." "Turns out that was the day that he skipped out on us." "I just sat there waiting to go fishing, like a chump." "I guess I'm still waiting." "You know what?" "Just saying that and getting it out..." "I feel better." "I don't." "Oh, Molly." "Oh, no, no." "No." "Are you okay?" "Well, I mean, you're just a little boy, and you're sitting there with your little sad fishing pole." "You need a hug?" "Does someone need to river dance?" "Maybe later." " Okay." " Yeah." "Why the hell's my mom's car on the lawn?" "Did you say something to her?" "Uh, you know, we exchanged our usual pleasantries." "I might've mentioned Vince and, you know, maybe the boat, and Vince might've broken your heart with the boat." " Oh, God!" " I didn't know!" "All the boy wanted to do was go fishing." "It may not seem important to you, but it was important to him." "I know that now." "You made that very clear." "Do you have any idea how hard it is to be both mother and father to him." "I had to teach him how to shave, and slow dance." "You did a remarkable job with both those things." "Mike, do you think you should jump in there?" "Eh, she drove all the way over here." "I don't know." "I've never had kids." "That you know of!" "And if you did, they'd be swimming around in the shallow end of the gene pool!" "You know what?" "It's actually pretty entertaining when she's not yelling at me." "Mother Biggs, all I did was sell a boat." "This has nothing to do with the boat." "This is between you and me." "I-I think you might be projecting now." "Oh, I'm gonna project you through that glass cabinet!" " Okay, it's getting violent." " Oh!" "We should get in there." "No, no, no, Mike, it's just getting good!" "I'm gonna rip the last five hairs out of your head!" "Oh, get him!" "Hey." "Hey." "Listen, big guy," "I-I've been feeling bad about the whole boat thing." "Oh, hey, look, don't worry about it, okay?" "I got carried away." "It's over." "I know, but I like the time we spent together on it." "Hey, I was thinking maybe you and I could go in the backyard and toss the ol' pigskin around." "I'm good." "You sure?" "'Cause we could do something else." "Mini-golf, a batting cage." "Oh, I saw in the paper that the Harlem Globetrotters are in town." "I hear the new Curly's a broad." "Bald head and everything." "Look, Vince, seriously, you don't have to do all this, okay?" "I'm-I'm fine." "Just let it go." "All right." "I won't bother you." "Enjoy your paper." "Uh, um, I'm gonna take off." "Oh, if Joyce asks, just tell her I went to DQ to get a dipped cone." "Ho!" "Do I know my boy?" "Come for that." "All right, now this is about the ice cream, and nothing else." "You got it, champ." "And if you lied about that dipped cone, you're a dead man." "Come on, please?" "No!" "I can't sleep." "Now that you told me you could do it, it's all I can think about." "Well, it's not gonna happen." "That's not fair." "You walked in on me doing it." "Well, who's fault is that?" "You should've locked the door." "Please?" "Don't make me beg." "Fine." "If you brag to your friends about it," "I am never doing it again." "I won't say a word." "Oh my God!" "It's even cuter than I thought!" "It's actually really cathartic."