"I know." "Yes." "Ma, yes." "Yes, Ma, I told you we're gonna entertain him." "You go away and have a good time." "He's my father." "I know what the man likes." "Where's the list?" "Here we go." "Monday we're taking him out for dinner." "Tuesday we're going out for lunch." "Thursday we're taking him to that new musical..." "Moby." "They say it's better than the book." "What happened to Wednesday?" "We just needed a day for ourselves." "No, we're not having trouble." "We're fine, I swear." " Would you please tell her?" " We're not having trouble." "You see that?" "Why would she lie?" "No, she doesn't do that anymore." " Do what?" " She does not." "Do what?" "What do I do?" "I want to know." " Forget it!" " I want to know!" "You're doing it." "You see what you started here?" "Tell me why" "I love you like I do" "Tell me who" "Can start my heart as much as you" "Let's take each other's hand" "As we jump into the final frontier" "I'm mad about you, baby" "Yeah" "I'm mad about you" "Look at this." "The guy playing Queequeg did Tevye at Caesar's Palace." "I can't believe you invited your cousin Ira." "I didn't." "My father invited him." "Where does he meet these women he goes out with?" "Do we really want to know?" " You have to ask her to stop humming." " I will." "It'll be one more act." "That's all you got." "Nothing like Broadway." "Four-fifty for Goobers." " Where did you get those?" " Across the street." "You want a bite?" "Yes." "Hey, where's my father?" "He's around." "She's tuning up." "You know what..." "Ow." " What'd you do?" " I think I chipped a tooth." " Take these stupid earrings off." " No." "Your father gave them to me." " Where is he?" " He'll be back." "He won't." "Intermission will be over and he'll wander out on stage somewhere." "Would you be nice to him, please?" "I'm very nice to him." "I had lunch with him, took him to the Knick game... listened to his "returning the hat with the poor stitching in the visor" saga." " He misses your mother." " I know." "When does she get back from the fat farm?" " It's a spa." " Whatever." "She'll be back in a week." "He's gonna make me crazy." "You're making yourself crazy." "Here's Johnny!" " Uncle Burt, I got you a hot dog." " I told you no." "Sweetheart, you have a beautiful voice." "Hey, she's with me." " Pop, I was getting worried about you." " You'll never guess who I saw." " Regis Philbin." " Where?" "Downstairs." "Come on, let's go down." "I'll introduce us." " The second act's about to start." " We have time." " It probably wasn't even him." " What, I don't know Regis Philbin?" "Yes, of course." "You are the foremost Regis Philbin spotter on the planet." " What are you so upset about?" " I'm not upset." " There he is." " Where?" " Fourth row." " Dad, come on." " Hey, that's him." " Didn't I tell you?" " It actually is him." " I'm very excited." " Up here." " Dad..." "Hello, Regis!" " I do not." " You do so." " I don't whine in my sleep." " Well, you did last night." "Yeah, 'cause last night I had the worst dream I ever had." "We were at the theater, and my father stands up..." "Honey, it was real." " Tell me it wasn't." " It wasn't." " Was it?" " It was." " Do you want some breakfast?" " Yes, please." "What are you making?" " Coffee." " That's it?" " Milk." " Oh, good." "Why is it every time we go to the theater it's a disaster?" "We can't find the cab or they screw up the tickets." "Or your father says hello to Regis Philbin." " He just always does stuff like that." " Like what?" "Like what?" "You were there." "You saw what he did." "What did he do?" " He embarrassed me." " Well, you embarrass me sometimes." "When?" "When do I embarrass you?" "Pick a day." "Last Tuesday." "We went to El Greco." "You tried to order in Spanish." "So?" "They happen to appreciate that." "They don't." "I don't." " Did they say something to you?" " We exchanged a look." "Well, lo siento." "I really am." "You don't have to be sorry." "That's my point." "It's no big deal." "Do you want to make some toast?" "You don't think that what my father did was a little bit annoying?" "Well, you annoy me sometimes." " Meaning what?" " Meaning you're just like him." "And I love you both." "All right, this is for the good thing you just said." " Now, for the bad thing..." " Can we just drop it?" "I'm dropping it." "I'm dropping now." ""Hello, Regis!" He just yells "Hello, Regis!"" "Right in the middle of the theater." " Isn't there a law against that?" " Nobody noticed." "Nobody cares." ""Nobody cares." How about 1,800 heads snapping around in unison like that?" " It wasn't that crowded." " Really?" "1,843 people, six usherettes." "1,849 total." "What did you do, call the box office?" " Oh, my God." " Well, I was curious." "I wanted to know." "I love your father." "Everybody loves my father." "He's a lovable guy." "I love my father." " It's just he makes me crazy." " Well, you make me crazy sometimes." "I'm getting to notice a pattern here with you." " I'm getting dressed." " Hey, I get dressed too sometimes." "Moby is a spectacular show." "It's everything they said it was." "I love musical theater." "Honey, it's Regis Philbin." "Hello, Regis!" "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "And that first act curtain..." "I really believed there was a live whale hanging over the orchestra pit." "Oh, come on." "You could see the wires." "And the second act..." "It was pretty eventful too." " Well, you certainly got a nice mention." " Nobody move." "We're sitting there, it's intermission, everybody's buzzing around the whale... and suddenly I hear somebody yell out..." ""Up here!" "Up here!"" "We look up, everybody looks up... and there's a guy who yells out in front of God and everybody..." ""Hello, Regis!"" "And everybody looks at me... like it's my fault, like I told this guy to yell my name out." ""Hello, Regis!"" " 2,000 people turned and looked at me." " And you didn't even know him." "Talk about embarrassing." "You see?" "Regis is on my side." "He's the only one who understands." " I understand." " No, you don't." "Only Regis." "Honey, it's over." "Nobody knows it was us." "Let's go to today's trivia question." "What?" "Hold on, hold on." "What, Gelman, what?" "Phone call." " Hello." " So I said hello." "Is it a crime?" " Are you the guy on the balcony?" " It was a box." "Hang up, Regis." " What's your name, sir?" " Burt Buchman." "Okay, Regis, that's enough talk." "Hang up." "You know, I remember when this was a friendly city." "Now everybody's too embarrassed to say hello." " You may have a point." " He's not gonna hang up." "Sure, I have a point." "It's like I was telling my son Paul..." "Oh, my God." "He's a filmmaker." "Listen, are you happy with your director?" "Oh, my God!" "Honey, I'm sure nobody's watching." "Hello?" "Shut up, Ira." "It's not funny." "I got somebody else." "I'll call you back." "Hello?" "Hi, Fran." "No, I don't think it's cute." "I got somebody else calling." "Hello?" "Hi, Lisa..." "Huh?" "Because we only had five tickets!" " What do you think?" " It's amazing." "It is!" "Do you like it?" "I do!" "Yes!" " You don't like it, I can take it back." " She likes it!" " She says that." " She means it." "I do." "It's beautiful." "If you want me to take it back, I'll take it back." "If you wanna take it back so bad, why'd you bring it here in the first place?" "It looks nice on her!" " Does it fit?" " Perfectly." " If it doesn't, he'll take it back." " Place is around the corner." " Guys." " What?" "It's stunning." "I feel bad." "I didn't get anything for Lisa." "Oh, that's all right." "I didn't know you were gonna come, or I would've brought you something." "Here, go out and buy yourself something." "What are you doing?" "You don't have to give her money." " What's wrong with my money?" " She has money of her own." " No, I don't!" " Then I'll give you money, okay?" " I just gave her money." " You don't have to give her money." " But I like to give her money." " Guys, I'm begging." "Thank you." " Want some paté?" " No, I'm fine." " What, you don't like it?" " No, it's delicious." " I can get something else." " He likes it." "The market's just around the corner." "I pass it every day." "My God, I'm becoming one of you." "I don't know how to break this to you." "You're molting." "Burt, I heard you on Regis." " You wouldn't believe the calls I got." " Yes, we would, Dad." " Friends I thought were dead." " Yeah, I know." " Your mother saw it at the fat farm." " It's a spa." "Who are we kidding?" "You see this morning?" "Regis mentioned it again." " You know what he called me?" " Yes, the man who said hello." " The man who said hello!" " I saw the whole thing, Dad." " What's so bad?" " It's not bad." "It's nice for you." " I'm glad." " Oh, now that I'm famous, you're glad." "You should've sent he fuss he made at the theater." "It was embarrassing." "Whoa!" "Snazzy." "Hi, guys." "Hey, Lisa." "Long time no see." " Are you still mad?" " About what?" "Nothing." " Did you get it?" " Yeah, I got it." " What did you get?" " The morning Post." "You'll love this." ""Meet Burt Buchman, the man who said hello."" "They called after I talked with Regis." "They said I was human interest." "Two columns, with pictures." " Who's the baby?" " Oh, that's little Paulie." "Used to love getting baths in the sink." "Wow!" "Look, honey, my schmeckie's in the Post." "Let's check out today's Post." "Here are the headlines." "Who'd have thought this would go this far? "Day Three:" "The Buchman Crisis."" "I don't care what Burt did." "There is no reason for a son not to speak to his father." "I mean, what did the man do?" "All he did was get his son's picture in the paper." " Is that a crime?" " Exactly." "Let's check it out with the audience." "Audience, how do you feel about this?" "Who hear agrees with Burt, the father?" "All right, good." "And how many here can see his son's point of view?" "You've reached the Buchmans." "If you're calling forJamie, leave a message." "If you're calling to leave a death threat for my husband, get a life." "Why don't we just get an unlisted number?" " I already talked to the phone company." " And?" "They agree with Burt." " How was your day?" " Well, not bad." "Considering I am now the most hated man in New York." "You are not the most hated man in New York." " Is it raining?" " No." "People have been spitting at me." " Literally?" " Yes, I'm telling you!" "People are spitting." "People spit on people all the time in this city." "I'm sure it's not personal." "Right." "That's why our doorman just went, "Ptooie!" "That's for Burt!"" " Well, there is a solution." " What?" "We can't move." "It's a nationally syndicated show, and I have nothing to say to the man." "You can make your father happy and become a cult hero at the same time." "I have nothing to apologize for." "It's not just..." "Hello." "Hi, Burt." "Hold on." "I'm not here." "I think he took Murray for a walk." "I'm just sitting here watching Lassie." "Yeah." "What?" "Okay, hold on." "What channel?" "Tomorrow on Live..." "Regis andJoy chat with composer Marvin Hamlisch..." "Claudia Cohen with the latest dirt from Hollywood... and actor Daniel Day-Lewis shares his recipe for Irish stew." "Plus, meet Burt Buchman, the man who said hello." "Wow!" "You're gonna be on Regis?" "That's so cool!" " And now, back to Mannix." " No, of course we'll be there." "All righty, we'll see you tomorrow." "Bye-bye." " We'll be there?" "What are you doing?" " Oh, tell me you're not going." " I'm not going to go." " What are you trying to prove?" "Hey, it wasn't your schmeckie in the Post." "It's partly mine." "Well, thanks to him it's now public domain." "He wants you there." "He's your father." "He loves you." "Yes, well, I'm not going." " Why are you being like this?" " Because he made me like this." "You're a grown man." "Get over it." "Oh, excuse me." "Shall we get your mother on the phone?" "That is completely different." "You know how she is and you know she can't be stopped." " Did I hit a nerve?" " No!" "What are you so upset about?" "I hate to see you rend the fabric of your relationship with your father." "I'm rending?" "Yes." "And I want to meet Regis." "Well, then you go." " I can't go without you." " Then you're not going." " You're being impossible." " Yes, because that's how I was raised." "And you turned out fine." "I love you, don't I?" "Sure, but look how screwed up you are." "So?" "That's how it works." "You don't think we're gonna mess up our kids?" " I hope not." " Oh, come on." " I think I'm gonna be a model father." " He wants you there." "Well, you know what?" "I'll watch it on TV." "This is why people spit on you." "Okay, Regis and Joy will finish with the trivia question... we'll go to commercial, and then you're on." " Hi." " Oh, hiya, sweetheart." " Ooh!" "Don't smear my makeup." " Oh, I'm sorry." " So, are you nervous?" " About what?" "I gave three eulogies last year alone." "I know how to work a crowd." " Paul with you?" " No." " Where is he?" " Home." "He really wanted to be here, but our tub cracked... and we're out of grout and water is seeping... and our downstairs neighbors have carpet and children are running..." " That's what you came up with?" " I'm sorry." "It's been a long week." "Stop protecting him." "He'll be here." " I don't think so." " Trust me." "I know him longer than you." " Here you go." "No charge." " What is this?" "This is the Burt shirt." "I'm gonna make a fortune." " Thank you." " Yeah." "Well, I figured..." "What is this with the shirt?" " Show him the back." " Honey, get back in the chair." "So, fine, I'll cut you in." "Every day that this thing goes on, Paulie, we make money." "Hey, Pop, you look good." "Did you get the grout?" " The grout?" " It was the best I could come up with." "It's okay." "I told her you'd show." "Well, I wasn't so sure." " I was." " Yeah?" "Why?" " Because you're a good boy!" " Come on, come on, Dad." "Oh, Marshall, I want to introduce you to my son and his wifeJamie." " How are you?" " Good to meet you." "Why don't you two come on the show, let the world hear your side?" "He'd love it!" "Thanks, kid." " Excuse me." "Pop..." " Honey, we're gonna be on TV." "Isn't this cool?" "We're gonna be on TV." "No, we're not." "What are you talking?" "What did you tell him yes for?" "You know exactly how I feel?" " This isn't the place." " What would be the place?" "The Royalle Theater?" "The front page of the Post?" " Are you harping on that again?" " You know why?" "You embarrassed me, Dad." " What, you never embarrassed me?" " When did I ever embarrass you?" " How about you in Little League?" " Okay, how about that?" "Do you know what it's like to be a father and your son is on first base... a ball gets past the catcher and everyone is saying..." ""Go to second"... and you were standing there going..." ""I'm uncomfortable with second base." "I think I'll stay here." "I'm quite content on first."" "Well, that's still no reason for you and Mom to walk me to second base like that." "It was embarrassing." "You made a spectacle of yourself, you made a spectacle of me... and, frankly, it was bad for baseball." "You're like this big locomotive, and you just keep rolling over me." "And I don't like it." "No matter what you think I think, I'm telling you I don't like it." "Come on!" "Burt, you're on." " Are you okay?" " He's okay." "He's just nervous." "He hasn't been on TV before." "All right, everybody, here he is." "Here's the father, Burt Buchman!" "Hello, New York!" "Hello, Burt!" " Are you okay?" " Yes, I'm fine." " How do I look?" " Great." "Why?" " 'Cause we're gonna be on TV." " Did you not witness this conversation?" "He's still your father." "How is he gonna feel if they announce us and his own son doesn't go out there?" " You guys ready?" "It's time." " Yes." " So now you're answering for me too?" " You gotta get out there." " Here, wear this." " I'm not wearing the shirt!" " And I'm not going out there!" " You're gonna leave your father hanging?" "He doesn't need me." "He's got Regis." " This is insane!" " I'm not going out there." " I'm not going, okay?" " Fine." "Come on." "Okay, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. And Mrs. Paul Buchman." "Hey, wait a minute." "Give them a chance." " Hi, Jamie." "Paul." " what's happening?" "Come on in." "Have a seat." "Burt tells me you're pretty much newlyweds." " We're very new." " How did you meet?" " Well, I was..." " She picked me up in a bar." " Is that so?" " Well, I was working in..." "Next morning we exchanged names." "That was it." "Sometimes you just know, Regis." "You know?" "Oh, regis, I'm sorry, I hate to interrupt you, but before we go on..." "I have to say, this man is not my son." "No, no, really, it's true." "This isn't my husband." "All right, listen, we're civilized people here." "We could settle this whole thing if Paul would just apologize." "Grow up, pal!" "Excuse me, Regis." "I think you're a little out of line." " I'm allowed to." "This is my show." " Well, tough." "It's not all Paul's fault." "Thank you, sweet meat." "Excuse me, Regis." "Listen, gang, let's focus." "All right, all right, fine." "Look, Paul, I don't know what I did to be sorry about... but if I did something to be sorry about, I'm sorry." "And stop spitting on him." "Please." "Hey, hey!" "Cousin Ira!" "Regis, Joy, I would like you to meet my cousin Ira." "What is this, a family reunion?" "I'm losing control here." " I always thought this was bigger." " Bigger than what?" " It looks bigger on TV." " It's a set." "It always looks bigger." " Gang, we're on TV now." " Right." "Sorry." "So, Ira, are you close to your Uncle Burt?" "Yes, Uncle Burt is like a father to me." "Ira, have you ever been embarrassed by your dad?" "Yes." "You could say yes to that." "I'm sure I've embarrassed him myself." "That's how families are, you know." "You embarrass each other." "I'm sure someday I'll have a son and probably embarrass him too." "You're gonna have a beautiful son." "Yeah, right." "Burt, could we have a little order here?" "Burt, you're blocking Regis." "Yes, Burt, you're blocking Regis." "Well, this is great." "Obviously you're very close to your nephew." "Too bad you can't have the same kind of relationship with your son." "My relationship with my son is fine." "He's just gotta stop trying to run my life, that's all." "I'm 70 years old." "I'm not gonna change." "This is me." "Take it or leave it." "You got that?" "Tell you what." "He will try." "Good for you." "We're a very close family." "Moby" "Moby" "Moby" "Moby" "That big white fish" "Moby" "And his girl" "Thar she blows!" " Where?" " Yonder!"