"[B.J.] We gotta save this whale, guys." "I can't lift her, B.J." "Maybe if I ran home and drank a power smoothee." "Yo, there's only one homie who can solve this problem." "Calling Notch!" "[B.J. On Radio] Calling Notch Johnson!" "Calling Notch Johnson!" "This is Notch Johnson." "Notch, we've got a beached whale here." "She's struggling for life." "Don't worry." "I'm on it." "Out of the water!" "Out of the water!" "Everybody out of the water!" "Ow!" "Hot!" "That's hot!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Oh, hell!" "Ow!" "Hot!" "Hot!" "Hot!" "Ahh!" "Oh, sorry!" "Sorry." "So sorry." "Aaah!" "Unh!" "Ah, damn!" "Oh!" "Ow!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "[Whale Groaning]" "I'll save you!" "I'll save you!" "I'll save you!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "What the hell are you doing?" "!" "L-I'm sorry." "I was saving a beached whale." "But you're not beached..." "I mean, could I make it up to you somehow?" "Sure." "Just stand there!" "[Announcer] Tonight's episode..." "Son of the Beach is filmed miles from a studio audience." "Guten tag, frauleins." "What's the haps?" "Yo, we got this new recruit starting today, and she is fresh!" "Oh, good!" "'Cause I hate those days when you're feeling... you know... not so fresh." "And that was the men's lavatory." "[Toilet Flushes]" "Terrific." "Kimberlee, it's time to show you my unit." "It may not be the biggest, but it's the best." "Hey, gang, I want you to meet Kimberlee Clark." " Hi." " Hi." " Hello." "Hi." "I'm B.J. Cummings." "Oh, B.J. Is that short for BobbieJo?" "No." "It's a nickname." "I got it from the men's volleyball team." "Next, say achtung to our exchange lifeguard from Germany," "Chip Rommel." "Blond hair, blue eyes." "Are you of Aryan descent, too?" "Oh, no!" "I'm just your typical, average corn-fed American girl." "Ha ha ha!" "Don't fool me." "You've been given some schnitzel along the way." "And finally, our lifeguard from the inner city, Jamaica St. Croix." "Oh, it's nice to meet you, Jamaica." "Oh, right on, baby!" "Sister Kimberlee is in the house!" "[Thump]" "Well, that's everyone." "[Dog Barks]" "[Woof]" "Oh, jeez." "I'm sorry." "Meet Steve the dog." "That means he likes you." "Yeah." "OK, Steve, everybody, morning briefing." "So, uh, do I have the job?" "Not only do you have the job... you have the uniform." "What a beautiful pin." "If this camera doesn't give me the goods on Johnson, nothing will." "Oh, Mother." "Spying on Notch." "You are so Cruella De Vil." "Thank you, Kody." "Mayor Anita Massengil won't be happy until she's out of this seaside dump and elected to Congress." "So what's stopping you?" "That buck-toothed bonehead, Notch Johnson." "No matter what I do, people just love Johnson." "Come on, Kimberlee." "You know what will happen if you don't deliver." "Apparently, this troublemaker's name is Osama Bin Laden." "Let's keep an eye out for him." "And our last item of business..." "This Saturday, everyone reports at 7 a.m. Sharp." "Yo, man, 7 on the frontside?" "What's up with that?" "Hey, at least it's not 7 on the backside." "I know, I know, it's a lot to ask." "But I promised we'd do a special lifeguard show for a bunch of sick kids from the sick kids home." "Sick kids?" "!" "Holy schweinhund.!" "Why didn't you say so?" " I'm in." " Yo, me, too." "Ha ha." "Very good." "Uh, Jamaica, Chip, B.J., aren't you forgetting something?" "[All] Sun block!" "[Sexy Music Plays]" "Well, Kimberlee, I've got a woody." "You ride with me." "I love the sea." "Ever since I can remember," "I've had water on my brain." "But lately the mayor's been riding me like a dog on a boogie board." "Uh, gee, I..." "I don't even know who the mayor is." "Ha ha!" "What's that?" "Ha." "Kimberlee, you are a rookie." "That's the ocean." "No, that!" "[Shouting In Asian Language]" "[B.J.] Poor thing." "Adrift at sea with no food or makeup." "Yo, I wonder where her crib is." "Homegirl from a 'hood far, far away." "She looks Asian to me." "No, Chip, this one's not Asian." "She's Cambodian." "I only wish we knew what Cambodians like to eat." "[Yelps]" "Let's call the Cambodian consulate for a translator." "Not necessary, Kimberlee." "It just so happens I speak a little Cambo." "[Speaking Cambodian]" "[Speaking Cambodian]" "OK, I think I got it." "She comes from the village of Dong Chi, about 32 kilometers south-southwest of Phnom Penh." "Her hobbies are paddle tennis, windjamming," "Her hobbies are paddle tennis, windjamming, and long walks on the beach." "Gang, say hello to..." "Sum Pi." "[Saying Hello In Cambodian]" "[Saying Hello In Cambodian]" "[Speaking Cambodian]" "What's that mean, Notch?" "[Trying To Repeat In Cambodian]" "It means Sum Pi and her sisters were on a boat, headed for Sweatshopville..." "or so they thought." "Turns out the Pi girls were actually sold as sex slaves." "Prostitutes." "'Hos." "Oh, gosh, that's awful!" "Could you imagine people only wanting you for your body?" "Even worse, B.J." "These girls will now be subjected to diseases like syphilis..." "and "herps."" "But what can we do?" "Kimberlee, the job of a lifeguard doesn't end at the beach." "Sometimes you go beyond the sand." "Sometimes you do the right thing, baby." "Sometimes..." "you bust a whorehouse." "Notch Johnson going to a house of prostitution." "What shall I do?" "Oh, I'm sure you'll come up with something, Madame Congresswoman." "[Both Chuckling]" "That looks great." "The more we can do for these sick kids, the better." "Well, Sum Pi, you look terrific." "Sum Pi smells good, too." "That's right!" "No more fishy smell!" "Mr. Notch, thank you for my suit for bathing and my kielbasa." "I sorry." "I mean, dictionary." "That's OK, Ms. Pi." "You're picking up English real quicker." "Chief!" "The mayor wants us on her carpet, macht schnell.!" "Johnson, why is this lifeguard show so darned important to you?" "Because it's for the sick kids." "Mayor, let me tell you a little story." "When I was about 7..." "[Voice Fades, Sexy Music Plays]" "And that sick kid's name... was Notch Johnson." "OK, you can have the permit." "Aw, Mayor!" "What am I gonna tell these kids?" "!" "She gave you the permit, Chief!" "She did?" "Oh, jeez!" "Oh!" "OK, great, thanks." "Thanks, Mayor." "Mother!" "Have you got the vapors?" "You gave them that permit so easily." "Kody, you disappoint me." "Surely the cameras will capture the faces of those pitiful children when I tell them that their hero Notch Johnson can't be at their show... because he's visiting a house of prostitution." "Oh, Mother!" "That is soJoan Collins!" "[Whistle Blows]" "[Notch] Cut!" "Cut!" "Cut!" "Nice rehearsal, gang." "Nice rehearsal." "Tomorrow those sick kids are gonna go home sick... but happy." "Notch!" "Notch!" "You have call on cell phone!" "It is some woman." "She says she's your snatch." "N-No, Sum Pi." "My snitch." "Oh, snitch." "Notch Johnson here." "OK." "Thanks." "My snatch..." "My snitch tells me that your sisters are working in a massage parlor." "Oh, thank God they're not prostitutes!" "No, B.J., they are prostitutes." " [Crying]" " They start out as misogynists, but when you pay them another $50, they become whores." "Hookers." "'Hos." "I say we blitzkrieg them now!" "Let's kick some major booty!" "Now wait." "Are you sure you want to go through with this?" "Huh?" "Well..." "I just mean can Notch Johnson afford to be seen in a house of prostitution?" "Who said anything about..." "Notch Johnson going?" "Hello, young Asian prostitutes." "Why, hello." "A video of Notch Johnson soliciting sex." "This is too good to be true." "Smile, Notch." "You're on Candid Camera." "May I help you?" "Uh, yes." "I am a salesman from out of town." "I would like to pay an Asian woman to have hot lesbian sex with my wife." "[Whispers] What?" "!" "Mmm..." "I know just the girl." "Yung Pi!" "Yung Pi, give them a number 12." "And I would also like..." "Ah!" "No substitutions." "Follow her!" "[Alarms Blaring]" "One of you is wearing surveillance equipment." "And it think it's... you!" "Now what are you going to do?" "Those Asian gangsters are doing it for me." "There's no way Notch will be at his show for the sick kids." "You wore video equipment!" "Why didn't I think of that?" "Because you're stupid!" "Mr. Notch Johnson!" "Oh, look." "The morning light is here, and soon there'll be a busload of sick kids arriving at the beach, except their hero won't be there to greet them." "Can you imagine their disappointment?" "[Sighs] What I'd give just to see the smiles on those happy, but sick little faces." "There's Tommy, who fell off a jungle gym, and Susie, who was born without nostrils." "And Tiny Tim." "Oh, enough!" "I can't take it anymore." "You really care about those sick kids, don't you?" "Well, yeah." "Who wouldn't?" "[Sighs] Notch, I have something to confess." "I've been working as a spy for the mayor." " What?" " She forced me." "She said, if I didn't get the goods on you, that she'd take away my grandmother's lease and put her out on the street." "So your hands were tied." "I had to..." "I had to help my grandmother, Notch." "See, my parents were killed when I was 7, and so I was reared by my grandmother." "Ah." "I know how ya feel." "I was reared by 2 uncles." "Look, we have to get out of here." "Those sick kids are arriving just about now." "[Honk Honk]" "[Kids Yelling]" "Yo, this is whack, man." "Notch Johnson is never late." "Yeah." "It's scary when your friend is late." "Notch Johnson's like a train." "He always runs on time." "A train must be on time!" "Come on, dear." "Come on, brain." "Come on, brain." "[Klunk Klunk]" "Think!" "Got it!" "Kimberlee, look up there." "What do you see next to the leather mask and ball gag?" "It looks like a container." "Oh, it may look like a container, but it's a bucket!" "A bucket of industrial-strength Sex-O-Lube." "Sex-O-Lube?" "Lucky for us, some people can't rely on their own natural juices." "If I can get to that bucket," "I might be able to spill lubricant on me and slip out of these cuffs." "[Straining]" "Oooohh!" "[Crash]" "What's all the commotion here?" "I..." "I knocked him out... because I wanted a moment with you." "Now you're speakin' my language." "Hello and welcome to live coverage of the Notch Johnson Lifeguard Show for sick kids." "I'm Stu Nahan, and if you're gonna be sick, boy, you picked a beautiful day to do it!" "[Cheering]" "But, Mayor Massengil, there's no sign of Notch Johnson." "Can you tell us why?" "Well, before we talk about... what's-his-name," "I'd like to tell the voters what I've done for the handicapped." "Get that last one because I can't wait to wrap my legs around you." "Like they say in my native tongue," ""You so horny." "You so horny."" "[Sighs]" "Come on." "Oooh!" "Notch!" "Notch!" "Wake up." "Huh?" "Huh?" "[Blows Whistle]" "Attention, all prostitutes!" "You're free!" "You're free!" "Run!" "Run!" "Are you OK?" "!" "Do you have syphilis or "herps?"" "Look, Notch, it's Mr. X!" "OK, I'll get him." "You look after the girls." "And get them out of these disgusting outfits!" "Kids..." "I have some very bad news for you." "Notch Johnson isn't going to make it today." "[Crowd Moans And Groans]" "[Yells]" "Sorry, kids." "Gotta do this." "Ma'am." "[Mayor] See, kids, your hero has a dark side." "I hate to tell you this, but Notch Johnson is addicted to prostitutes." "[Crowd Gasps]" "Come on!" "Faster!" "Faster!" "Catch him!" "Go on!" "Cut those lanes!" "Faster!" "Faster!" "Aroo!" "Aroo!" "Yes." "I believe there's a question from the boy in the bubble?" "[Muffled]" "Good question." "I have videotape of Notch in the whorehouse." "Huh?" "!" "So, kids, pack up any prescription drugs" "So, kids, pack up any prescription drugs or prosthetic devices you may have and go home." "This is a horrible thing Notch Johnson has done to you." "[Muffled]..." "Notch Johnson!" "[Stu] Ladies and gentlemen, I can't believe it." "Notch Johnson has appeared on a Jet-Ski and seems to be chasing an evil Asian criminal type." "With the exception of the boy who is blind, these kids are seeing the show of their lives!" "Looks like the villain has hit a dead end, right into the massive pecs of lifeguard Chip Rommel." "Here comes Notch Johnson!" "In the meantime, the Asian fella's taking a tremendous beating." "Notch is ready to join in." "He's on his way!" "And Notch's final blow..." "A crushing body slam!" "What a unit Notch Johnson has." "It may not be the biggest, but it's certainly the best." "[Sum Pi] Notch, I'm so very grateful." "How can I possibly thank you?" "Not necessary, Sum Pi." "Especially after that authentic Cambodian lunch you made today." "It's the least I could do." "Notch, in 2 days you've liberated my sisters and taught me perfect English." "Well, there is one thing you could do." "I want you to go home, get yourself a green card, and come back to us as a naturalized citizen." "Notch Johnson, you're the bomb!" "Well, gang, I don't know about you, but after that Cambodian food," "I feel like a run." "Come on, girls!" "Let's go to America!" "[B.J.] Has anybody seen Steve the dog?" "Oh, hi, teens." "Notch Johnson here." "You know, tonight's show was about sexually transmitted diseases." "So what are the telltale signs that you or someone you know has contracted syphilis, "herps," or the oft-dreaded "gonad-orrhea?"" "Well, the most common sign is when you go wee wee-tinkle." "A healthy person will make this sound..." "[Man] Ahhh!" "A sound of relief." "But a person who has contracted a sexually transmitted disease will make this sound..." "[Man Screaming In Agony]" "Damn!" "If that person is you or someone you know, immediately contact the school nurse." "Put the problem in her hands." "Until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying," ""Ride the big one.""