"( airplane engine roaring )" "( bell ringing )" " Yes, sir." " Oh, Stewardess, how come I'm the only passenger on this plane?" "Oh, I hadn't noticed." "You hadn't noticed?" "Well, I was so busy making your dinner." "I don't understand how this airline can stay in business when they only carry one passenger." "We don't show movies." " Now, if you'll excuse me, sir" " Just a minute." " One more question." " Could you make it quick?" " I don't wanna burn your Eggs Benedict." " Yes." "We've been flying for five hours-- how come it's taking so long?" "I mean, the trip from Chicago to Washington is only supposed to take two hours." "We're flying in a holding pattern, sir." " Over Washington?" " Over Chicago." "( phone rings )" "CONTROL, this is The Chief." "( phone rings )" "Hello?" "( ringing )" "Larrabee, I think Max is calling on the balloon phone." "Will you bring one in here right away?" "Right, Chief." "( ringing continues )" "Here you are, Chief." "Larrabee, never mind." "Hook the call into my regular phone." "Right, Chief." " He's on, Chief." "Go ahead." " Thank you, Larrabee." "Is everything all right, Max?" "Chief, I'm a little worried." "There's something strange going on here." "I'm the only passenger on this flight." "I don't like the sound of that." "I'm not too crazy about it myself, Chief." "Fortunately, the package is safe." "Right, Chief." "It's in my suitcase." "No, Max, that package is a decoy." "The real package is hidden in the luggage compartment under the plane." "Remember, no matter what happens," "KAOS must not get their hands on it." "Is it that important, Chief?" "Max, for some time now we've known that an enemy spy satellite has been taking pictures of our spy satellite." "Now, that package contains film that our spy satellite took of their spy satellite taking pictures of our spy satellite." "What am I supposed to do with this package when the plane lands in Washington?" "Rush it to headquarters." "We've got to get that film into the CONTROL lab so it can be developed immediately." "Chief, I've got a better idea" "I'll drop it off at the corner drugstore next to my house." " Why is that a better idea?" " You get a free roll of film." "Captain, Maxwell Smart is starting to ask questions." "Yeah, but if I get rid of him now, what about the package?" "You're right." "It must be in his luggage." "I'll take care of him immediately." "Remember, Max, if there's any danger, pull the red handle under the window." "That will jettison the package out of the baggage compartment, and it will parachute safely to earth." "All right, Mr. Smart." "You have a choice-- either you hand over the package or..." "I get the Eggs Benedict?" "Or you die." "That's not much of a choice-- either way I lose." "Put your hands up." "( bell rings )" " Chief:" "Max, are you all right?" " I'm fine, Chief." "Max, I don't want you to take any more chances." "Pull that red handle right now." "I pulled that red handle hours ago, Chief." " Why did you do that?" " I thought it was the emergency door." "Why would you wanna open the emergency door while the plane's in flight?" "Because it was an emergency, Chief-- the door to the men's room was locked." "( theme music playing )" "It's starting to come through now, 99." "Chief, shouldn't the lights be out when you develop a negative?" "Ordinarily yes, but this is CONTROL's new reverse film." "It was invented by our lab technicians to avoid accidents, like people coming into the lab unexpectedly and turning on the lights and ruining important negatives." "Oh, reverse film-- in other words it can stand the light," " but it can't stand the darkness." " Exactly." "Oh hi, 99, Chief." "What are you doing?" "Developing a negative." "Oh, I'd better turn the light off." "Max, turn the light on again." "You know what you just did?" " I just turned the light on." " Before that." " I turned it off." " Take a look at this negative." "Oh." "Did you take that picture, Chief?" "You made a terrible mistake." "You broke one of the first rules of photography." " What's that, Max?" " He held his thumb over the lens." "That's a big mistake, Chief." "No, Max, that wasn't my big mistake." "My big mistake was in hiring you." "Oh, I meant besides that, Chief." "Chief:" "Max, that photograph was taken by aerial reconnaissance of the area where you ejected the package from the plane last night." "Reconnaissance spotted the package on the roof of an old house in a remote area, Max, and they took a picture of it." "Oh Gee, that's great, Chief." "I'd love to see that picture." " You're looking at it." " Oh." "Chief, that pilot failed the basic rules of aerial photography." " What's that, Max?" " You should never allow the propeller to get in front of the lens." "Fortunately the pilot knew the area very well." "The package landed on the roof of the only house within a radius of 50 miles." "But, Chief, if we know where the package is, why don't we walk up to the house, ring the doorbell, say something of ours is on the roof and ask permission to get it?" "You will never get into the house that way." " Why not?" " Because Hester Van Hooten rules that mansion with an iron hand." "She hasn't let a visitor in there in the past 20 years." " You and Max will be the first." " The first what?" " Visitors." " But I don't understand, Chief." "If she hasn't let any visitors in there in 20 years, how are we gonna get in?" " We have a plan for you." " What is it, Chief?" "We've arranged for a storm to hit the area." "You've arranged for a storm?" "You know, Max, a storm, with the rain and thunder and lightning and-- you've arranged for a storm, Chief?" "Yes, 99, our control scientists have developed a process where, by salting the clouds, we can produce rain in any designated area." "That's fantastic, Chief." "When the world hears about this" "The world is not going to hear about this." "That's what I say." "The world will never hear about this." "This has got to be one of CONTROL's most closely guarded secrets." "Most closely guarded secrets that CONTROL-- why?" "We don't want the price of salt to go up." "But how is the storm going to get us into Van Hooten's house?" "99, with the storm we have in mind, and you and Max as weary lost travelers whose car has broken down, nobody will be able to turn you away." " You can't come in." "Go away." " ( thunder rumbling )" "Max, what are we going to do?" "We can't just stand out here in the rain." " I know one thing we're going to do." " What?" "( shouting ) Take it easy on the salt!" "No, Max." "How are we going to get in the house?" "I've got it, 99." "Why didn't I think of it before?" " What?" " We don't want to get in the house." "We want to get up on top of the roof and get the package." " So?" " So instead of asking for food and shelter, why don't we just ask for a ladder?" "Ah, Max, they're not going to give a ladder to a strange couple." "They will if we say we're eloping." "But we're both out here." "I didn't say together." "( storm blowing outside )" " Mrs. Van Hooten?" " ( thunder rumbling )" "Who was it, Hogarth?" "Two lost and weary travelers whose car broke down in the storm." "What did they want?" "Food and shelter." "I turned them away." "Well done, Hogarth." "Thank you, Madam." " And, Hogarth?" " Yes, ma'am." "First thing in the morning, let's get rid of that welcome mat out front." "( thunder booming )" "Try again, Max." "( knocking )" " Let them in, Hogarth." " But madam, you said" "Let them in." "Yes, madam." "You must forgive, Hogarth." "He's inconsiderate, and he never did have a very good memory." "Hogarth?" "Take them to the west room." "Give them dry clothes." "Oh, well, that's very kind of you." "I'd like to introduce myself." "I'm Maxwell Smart, and this is my wife-- Mrs. Maxwell Smart." "I'm Hester Van Hooten." "This is my husband Jason." "Hello." "You're welcome in my house." "Dinner will be in an hour." "Oh, good." "What are we having?" " Max." " Huh?" "Oh." "This way, please." "Why did you let them in?" "Didn't you see her face?" "Well, no." "It was dark in there and I couldn't." "Why?" "It was the face of my sister Rebecca." "Rebecca?" "That's ridiculous." "I buried her 20 years ago." "Nevertheless, she's back." "Well, we'll have to do something about that." "They must never learn the secret of this house." "Tonight, when they're both asleep, let's let Sebastian out of his room." "No!" "You know my orders." "Sebastian never leaves his attic except on Christmas morning." "After we've opened our gifts, he gets to eat the tree." "( howling winds, thunder rumbling )" "The wine, Mrs. Van Hooten." "Thank you, Hogarth." "Which one contains the poison?" "The decanter on the left." "Or is it the one on the right?" "No, I believe it's the one on the left." "What do you have against Jason?" "Nothing, Mrs. Van Hooten." "Sometimes I wonder." "Jason, taste the wine." "Hester, do I have to?" "Wine always keeps me awake." "Only if you're lucky." "Now taste it." "As you wish." "Hester, if this should just happen to be my last glass of wine, would you please take good care of my pet hawk?" "I already did." "( crying, whimpers )" "( clears throat, burps )" "Good evening, everybody." "My wife will be down in a minute." " Splendid." "Won't you please sit down?" " Oh, thank you." "May I offer you a glass of wine?" "Thank you." "Say, that really looks delicious." "What is that, pheasant?" "No, but it once killed a pheasant." "And a cow." "To your health, Mr. Smart." "Eh?" "Oh, yes." "Thank you." "Oh, I'm awfully sorry it took me so long." "I found this dress in the closet, Mrs. Van Hooten." "I hope you don't mind my putting it on." "Why are they all staring at me?" "Take a look at the portrait, 99." "That was my sister Rebecca." "She left us 20 years ago." "She's very lovely." "You're the very image of her, my dear." "Oh, well, thank you, very much." "Yes, as matter of fact, you do look quite a bit like her, 99." "Did you call her, 99?" " Yes, I did." " May I ask why?" "I don't know her name." "Hogarth?" "Oh, where is he?" "Oh, he's probably lurking in the shadows again." " Ma'am?" " Hogarth..." "Pour Rebecca-- I mean Mrs. Smart-- a glass of wine." "Yes, ma'am." "What a lovely old house you have, Mrs. Van Hooten." "Thank you." "We bought it in spite of the curse." "What curse?" "Legend has it that those who dwell in this house never know what it is to love." "I loved my hawk." "His hawk once killed a cow, you know." "Oh, I couldn't." "Well, maybe a little... with my spaghetti." "That will be all, Hogarth." "A toast to our guests." "( gasps ) Oh, I'm terribly sorry." "I'll get it, 99." "99, I'm going to make an excuse to leave the table, go up on the roof and get the package." " Right, Max." " Now, while I'm gone," "I don't want you to drink any of the wine" " or eat any of the food." " Why not?" "Because I think they put something in the wine." "How can you tell?" " ( man screams ) - ( crashes )" "What was that?" "Probably the wine steward." "Mr. Smart, take the candelabra and follow me." "Come, Jason." "( thunder rumbles )" "Jason:" "Is he dead?" "Yes, but there are no marks on him." "It looks like he died of fright." "Either that or some other natural cause." "Sebastian." "Don't tell me he's loose." "( maniacal laughter )" "He's loose." "I asked you not to tell me that." "Well, somebody removed all the distributor caps from the cars and cut the telephone wires." " Jason:" "Sebastian." " Who is Sebastian?" "20 years ago, he met Rebecca and fell in love with her." "They married and he brought her to this house." "On the night of their wedding, she died mysteriously after drinking a glass of wine." "Sebastian refused to believe she was dead, and accused us of trying to take her away from him." "So we locked him in the attic." "And he's been there for 20 years?" "And now he's loose... somewhere in this house." "He's obviously mad." "Max:" "Well, I guess so." "I remember once when my brother locked me in the closet for three hours." "I was so mad at him, I didn't speak to him for a week." "Mr. Smart, Sebastian broke out of that attic because he knows Rebecca is back." "Mrs. Van Hooten, I know that I resemble your sister, but believe me, I'm not Rebecca." "You are Rebecca." "I knew it the moment I saw you in the doorway." "But that's impossible." "You said yourself that she's been dead for 20 years." "That's true." "I buried you myself in the basement." "Max:" "You see, 99-- you buried her yourself?" "Jason's very handy around the house." "Why did you come back?" "Mrs. Van Hooten, please believe me-- I'm not your sister." "Silence." "Don't talk back to me, Rebecca." "Mother isn't here to take your side anymore." "She always did like you best." "You had the nicest bedroom in the house, the loveliest clothes and all the boyfriends." "When mother gave a party, it was for you." "I stood against the wall and watched you dance the whole night through." "You had the handsomest men" "Bruce Rayburn, Clive Montague," "Cedric Cedarhurst and then Sebastian-- and look what I ended up with." "Well, if that's how you felt about me, why did you propose?" "Silence." "If all this is true, Mrs. Van Hooten," "I'm afraid you're in a great deal of trouble." "I'm going to have to place you under arrest for the murder of your sister Rebecca." "And my pet hawk." "( creaking above )" "I didn't kill you, Rebecca." " It was him." " ( thunderclap )" " ( laughing )" " I saw it happen." "It was a long time ago, but I remember it clearly." "It was a night like this-- lightning, thunder." "It was almost midnight and I was taking a casual stroll in the garden." "And then I heard you talking..." "Sebastian:" "Rebecca, I must know-- am I the first man you've ever kissed?" "Rebecca:" "Of course you are, darling." "Why do you men always ask such silly questions?" "And then the clock struck 12:00." "( thunderclap )" "( clock ringing )" "( creaking )" "Sebastian." "Max, how terrible." "Yes, I guess he just couldn't adjust to the outside world." "( knocks on door )" "Chief:" "Open up in there." "We're government agents." "It's the Chief, 99." "Let him in." " I'll watch these two." " Right, Max." "All right, come on, you two." "Chief, what are you doing here?" "When I didn't hear from you, I figured something had gone wrong." " Is Max all right?" " Yes, but I don't know for how long." "Everyone in this house is a little weird." " Hi, Chief." " Hi, Max." " Chief:" "Who's that?" " Max:" "His name's Sebastian." " What's he doing in the clock?" " He's dead." "That's no place to put a dead man, Max." "I didn't put him there, Larrabee." "A man in that condition belongs at home with his family." " Max, did you get the package?" " I didn't have time." "If rigor mortis sets in, he could break the clock." "So many weird things have been happening in this house-  bodies turning up all over the place." " Besides, it's unsanitary." "Larrabee, get up on the roof and get the package." "Right, Chief." "Sorry about your clock, lady." "Max, would you mind telling me what's been going on?" "It's a little involved, Chief, but I think I have it solved." " There's another one up here, Chief." " Chief:" "Who's that Max?" "That's Hogarth, the butler." " Larrabee:" "Shall I bring him down?" " Why, Larrabee?" "If somebody didn't see him, they could trip and break their neck." "What do you suggest we do with him?" "You got another clock, lady?" "Chief:" "Larrabee, get the package." " Are there any more, Max?" " Not that I know of, Chief." "Well, who killed them?" "Well, Chief, the case was fairly simple." "You see, the suspects had clear-cut motives." "Hester Van Hooten... she hated her sister Rebecca and she was in love with Sebastian." "So she became half crazy with jealousy when they were married." "She poisoned Rebecca and had Jason bury her body in the cellar." "Max:" "Then Hogarth probably saw the whole thing, so she had to get rid of him." "Then she busted down the door to the attic, shot Sebastian, dragged his body down here and stuffed it into the bottom of the grandfather clock." "It was an open-and-shut case, Chief-- except for one thing." "There was Jason." "You needed money, and you needed it badly." "So you poisoned Rebecca and buried her in the cellar of the house." "You were the only one who had a key to the attic." "You were the only one who knew the secret of the grandfather clock." "You were the only one who could have strangled Hogarth and still had enough strength to drag Sebastian downstairs, stuff him into the clock in 28 seconds flat." "This, plus the fact that you never shaved led me to believe that you were wearing a mask." "But I wasn't really sure until tonight, when you wound the spaghetti from left to right." "Well, there you have it, Chief." " Have what?" " Eh?" "Yes, well, I knew that one of them was a murderer, but I didn't know which one, Chief." "You see, there was something that puzzled me." "One of the pieces of this jigsaw didn't fit." "And then, suddenly it came to me in a flash and I realized that neither one of them was guilty." "When did you realize that?" "Just now, Chief, when I looked up and saw" "Hogarth standing there with a gun in his hand." "Don't anybody move." "Yes, it was me." "I hated Rebecca and I hated Hester." "And as you can see," "I wasn't too crazy about Sebastian either." "And as for Jason, he's a thief, a liar and a blackmailer." "But he's my brother and I'm proud of him." "They all laughed at me-- the way I walked and the way I talked." "They looked down on me because I was tall." ""How's the weather up there, Hogarth?"" ""You get a nosebleed when you walk across a thick carpet?"" "And they ordered me about." ""Do this, Hogarth." "Do that, Hogarth."" "I swore that someday I'd pay them back." "And now that day has come." " ( thumping down stairs ) - ( wails )" "Larrabee, are you all right?" "I'm okay, Max." "What happened?" "You tripped over Hogarth and fell down the stairs." "I told you we should have put him in the clock, Chief." "( theme music playing )"