"I've got a new headship." "Where is it?" "Huddersfield." "Went well?" "The move." "We've possibly got a problem in there" " Robbie?" "Shit!" " Jesus!" " Shit, Robbie!" " Oh, my God." " Dial 999 now." " He's still in there." "Eddie." "Your house is haunted by none other than Matthew Normanton, right-hand man to King David himself." "Nonetheless, it's..." "I know there's no such thing." "But what if there is?" "Celia's playing Madame Arcati in Blithe Spirit." " We've no-one to play Dr Bradman." " Oh..." " So I said you'd do it." "What have you got to lose?" "John and Judith?" "Are you serious?" "This is why I'm suggesting doing it at my house, rather than yours." "Greg wants to come and spend time with Flora, so that's another reason to be at our house." " What about..." " .." "Bridget?" " Well, Bridget..." " Bridget." ".. will be with her parents in Chipping Norton." "Of course she will." "Of course!" "That's where she comes from." "Yeah, so..." "What do you think?" "Yeah, let's do it at your house." "Brandy snaps!" "Oh, my actual God." "Do you remember brandy snaps?" "I haven't had brandy snaps since I was, like, six at my Auntie Mary's house." "You all right?" "Caroline?" "What's the matter?" "This thing happened, and I haven't told anyone." "It's delicate." "OK." "Obviously, since Kate died, it can't have been easy for you." "How do you feel you've been coping with your responsibilities here?" " I'm sorry?" " You have been an outstanding headteacher." "No-one here has anything but the highest regard for you." "However, the worry is that your performance has become..." ""Lacklustre" is too strong a word." "Anyway, we -- the governors and the parents -- wonder whether you would benefit from some sort of... sabbatical." " You're kidding!" " And it became clear as the conversation went on... .. that this was a sabbatical" " I wasn't ever supposed to come back from." " Why?" "We think we live in such a tolerant society, but..." " .. you scratch the surface..." " No way." "Of course, nothing was said in so many words and I could have made a fuss, but I was bereaved." "There's the irony." "I was bereaved and I didn't feel up to it." "Talk about adding insult to injury." "And I didn't tell anyone because it was a conversation I didn't want to have... with anyone, certainly not with my mother or the boys, and so I pretended it was a choice, a bold new adventure," "and now I'm terrified." "I'm terrified that I'm not going to last five minutes at this new place," "I'm terrified that they're going to eat me alive." " No-one could eat you alive." " No, I know." "When you've got 101 tiny little irritations chipping away at your self-esteem... however strong you think you are... and then you just make..." ".. just one or two rogue decisions... .. and suddenly, you find yourself living in a strange house that everyone hates, and you're facing a job you're worried you haven't got the stamina for..." " OK." " .. any more..." "Why did you go for such a difficult school?" "Well, just after I had that conversation with Gavin, that was when I met Olga." "Are you all right?" " Oh!" "I'm sorry!" "I'm sorry." "I'm really..." "Oh, my God." " Oh!" "That is a £45,000 car." " Shit!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, no." " Are you all right?" "I think so." "I think so." "Am I?" "Are you?" "Weren't you looking?" "I thought you were moving off." "Were you not moving off?" "There were things coming!" "Oh, this isn't happening." "Oh, God." " Are you all right?" " Pull over!" " Yeah, whatever." "Go round." "You can see what's happening, can't you?" "You've got eyes in your head." "Wanker!" "You're a stupid arsehole as well." "Bring it on, moron!" " I am really sorry." " We need to exchange details." " OK." " I'm just going to take some photos." " Good, good." "Good idea." "I've just got to see if my daughter's all right." "She's not hurt, is she?" " No." " Oh, she's tiny!" " She's fine." "Mummy's just going to be a few moments, Flora." "We've just had a silly little bump." " You know, I don't know who I'm insured with." " You are insured?" "I think I'm panicking." "If you just give me your name and a phone number." " OK, I'm just going to ring the police." " Why?" "!" "Why?" " Well, just because we're blocking the roundabout." " Have I gone pale?" "Yeah, sit down, put your head between your knees." "I'll..." "I'll sort everything out." "You're taking this very well." "Yeah, I'm sorry I said that thing about the car costing so much." "I apologise, I'm sorry." "It was unhelpful and unnecessary." "No, please, don't." "I..." "Tosser!" "What is wrong with these people?" "You really need to calm down." "I am calm!" "I am not calm." " I think I'm going to be sick." " Have you been drinking?" "No, no!" "God, no." "I mean, don't get me wrong, I do drink, but..." " I can drink for England." " Look, look, OK." "I want to phone the police because I don't know what the procedure is if you can't move your vehicle, and your van is dripping something." "Oh, no, that's just coolant." "I don't think it's petrol." "It's something coming out of the radiator." "It's probably water." "It's not petrol, it's just..." "Oh, my God, it's petrol!" "Get the toddler out." "Get her out the car!" "Right." "Have I spelt it properly?" "Yeah." " What's yours?" " It's Mackenzie-Dawson." "Caroline." "And it's 07700 900 643." "Right." "So..." "Flora, she's your daughter?" "Yes." "So, is she adopted?" " No." " Oh!" " No." " OK." "Wow." "So..." " Oh, my partner gave birth to her." " Oh." "OK." "Good." "Sorry." "For what?" "Being inept, asking dumb questions." "No, you're direct." "It's good." "Makes life easier." "So, what does your partner do?" "Nothing." "She's dead." "So... so you ended up..." "I ended up in bed with her, yeah." "Which so isn't me." "I know." "I know that." "I don't pick people up off street corners and end up in bed with them." " Like I do?" " No, I never..." "I didn't say that." "And that's not..." "That's exactly what happened." "It was a few days later." "She just knocked on the door." "Hi." "Which was a nice gesture, which she didn't have to make, so I invited her in." "And, erm, we had... we had..." "Well, it was a Friday night, so we had some of the wine." "Maybe two bottles." " I mean, it was good wine." " That's all that matters." "And, um..." "Yeah..." "She..." "We..." "One thing led to another." "I've got this thing that I need to tell you." "What?" " You know when I went into the back of you?" "I mean, on the road." " Yeah." " I was texting." " Oh." "I just need to get that off my chest because it really shouldn't have happened, especially with Flora in the back and everything." "So..." " I'm sorry." " It's OK." " Really?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "God, she's a stupid bitch." " Sorry, who is?" " Oh, my girlfriend." "That's who I was texting." "She drives me up the wall." "Trust it to be her that I'm texting when I smash into the back of a £90 million car." "Sorry..." "You've just apologised to me because you were texting and then you blithely go and mention to me that you've got a girlfriend?" "Ex." "Ex!" "Did I not say ex?" "No, we split up." "When?" "Day before yesterday." "She dumped me." "Why?" "Because... .. she thought I'd been seeing someone." "And had you?" "So obviously I'm someone she's just picked up on the rebound from a shit-storm of entanglement." "So then I felt like I'd been unfaithful to Kate, and if I was going to do something like that, it should have meant more." "I should've been more discerning." "I should..." "Why am I telling you this?" "Oh, yes, Olga is intelligent, cultured, but entirely uneducated, her and her brother." " Sod 'em!" " Yeah, I know." " You know what you should do?" " What?" "You should work in the state sector." "You're needed." "I had a really shit education." "You know, our dumb parents lurched from one bad enterprise to another, which meant we never had any money, despite being posh." "So we ended up down the local comp." "That's where I learned to talk like this." "I hated it!" "Half the staff, they didn't know what they were talking about." "And the other half, they were so overworked and all so thoroughly demoralised." "God, they reeked of it." "They stank of it." "Oh, and then this really crap, useless headteacher, who never spoke to any of us because he was too busy having a breakdown..." "Go and work in a state school." "In a school in a poor area." "In a school that really needs someone like you." "You could make a real difference!" "Can you imagine?" "If kids in state schools had the kind of teachers" " that someone like you could attract..." " Yes, it's..." "It's..." "It's not that simple." "Of course it isn't." "It takes a lot of people to make a real difference." "But where do you start, if it's not with someone like you?" "Maybe this was meant to happen." "God, yeah!" "No, Caroline!" "Maybe... .. she's right." "Maybe this was meant to happen." "Don't tell anyone." "Men are worse than women, you know, especially highly strung men, like your husband..." ".. is." " Is he so highly strung, do you think?" " Yes." "Erm..." "I need to talk to you about that." "He's been working a bit too hard lately." "You do know you're paraphrasing?" "Remorselessly, as Gerald would say." "Yeah, but I'm getting gist across." "You need to have more of a manner, Alan, you know?" "These are sophisticated people." "They live in Kent, for goodness' sake." "It's the 1940s." "I don't know..." "I've driven through Kent, you know, once in the 1970s." "That's different." "And who are these people?" "I don't know who these people are." "They've got a maid, a cook that they treat like dirt." "Neither of them seem to go out to work." "Don't they know there's a war on?" " I mean, that's not even mentioned." " It's a comedy!" "Get on board." "Come on, let's keep going." "Is he so highly strung, do you think?" "I'm afraid he's been working a bit too hard lately." "Been OVERWORKING lately." "Been overworking lately." ""Overwarking"?" "Oh..." "Eh?" "Eh?" "Summat about in a nervous condition but nowt serious." "I think that's as far as I've got." "Right, well, that's the scene you're going to be rehearsing tonight." "Janice'll want you on top of your lines." "I'll be on top of my lines." " I've said I'll do it." " Bye!" " And I'll do it properly." " The news is good." "Angus has passed his test and he's driving over on Christmas Day" " to get away from his mental parents." " Oh, yippee." "Well, you better tell Gillian or your mother, whoever's doing the cooking." " We've already got a full house." " Good." "They won't notice one more." "We'll be off out in his jalopy as soon as he gets here." "Oh, that'll make your mother happy(!" ")" "You and Angus the nitwit taking hairpin bends at breakneck speed across the moors in a car with no brakes." "Oh, and he's bringing a ouija board." "We're going to speak to Matthew Normanton." " Where did he get a ouija board from?" " Amazon." "You can join in, if you want." "Like, method acting with this old bag woman you're playing in this play." "Go on, then." "Grandad." " No, you can't." " What's she wanting?" " Grandad." " She wants Robbie to carry her." " He can't, chicken." "He's hurt his neck." "Strictly speaking, Grandma hurt his neck, but we won't dwell on it." "Never going to let it drop." "In the barn." " Yes, that's right." " In the barn." " That's right." "In the barn." " She's not on about him again!" " She loves him." " Who?" " The fellow in the barn." " What fellow in the barn?" " It's just this idea she's got." " Of a fellow in the barn?" " Just one of her imaginary friends." " What does he look like?" " What's he said to her?" " Mum, it's a joke, it's pretend." "Yeah, but it's not a joke if she thinks he exists." " Does he have a name?" " Grandad." "Yeah, in her little pixie head he exists." " Nowhere else." " So what has she said about him?" " Nothing!" " Ellie!" " She just makes up stories with him." " With him?" " About him." " What happens in these stories?" " Nothing!" "It's nowt." "Are we going to Caroline's, or what?" " Yeah." "Stop being weird, Mum." " Get in." " OK, are you ready?" " Shh." " Theresa May?" " I don't know what you're doing." "What are you doing?" " I know who it is." " They're hopeless!" " It's obvious." "It's obvious to me who it is." "Ethelred the Unready." "Enid Blyton." "Erm..." "Oh, Michael McIntyre." "What's-her-name off The Magic Roundabout?" " You're just reeling off names now." " Well, it's one way." "Is it..." "Oh, are you cooking something?" "You've baked a cake." "Nigella Lawson." " Jamie Oliver." "Fanny Cradock." " Who?" "It's got to be a name that's already been!" " Talking, you're talking." "You're not allowed to talk, Celia." " Oh, Jesus." "Oh, yeah, him!" " So sad." " Minute's up." "Stop." " Aw..." "They all get it." "How come you can't?" "Well, it would help if one-third of the women's team wasn't babies, and the other third weren't outside having a fag, or whatever it is they think they're doing." "Oo-oo-ooh!" "I've got this thing I'd like to get off my chest." "OK." "The afterlife." "Oh, yeah." "Me dad told me about him and your mum wanting to be buried together whenever..." "Yes." "You knew?" "Yeah." " Yeah." " Well, I suppose it's different for you." "Your mum and dad never got on, did they?" "So they might not want to be together for ever in eternity." "But it's..." "It's bothered me about mine." "But then we now know he was unfaithful to her, so..." "Maybe she wouldn't have wanted that anyway now, so..." "Oh, I don't know." "Sorry, I should've told you." "So, when did you know?" "When they altered their wills last summer." "I'm my mother's executor, so I had to sign something." " May, June, around then." " You're an executor?" " Yeah." "Here he is!" " Better start the washing up." " Yeah." "Did you, erm, bring the stuff?" "£9.99." "We're having a seance when it gets dark." "Do you want to play... join in?" "Yeah." "Why not?" " Ah." " Hello." " Is there any more..." " I thought you'd come to help me with the washing up." " Oh, yeah." "Can do." "Um..." " Why are you here?" " To be with the boys." "No, really." "Oh..." "You think this is me desperately needing to be with other people on Christmas Day because I can't stand being on my own with her?" "No!" "Not in the least." "Since she stopped drinking, well, some days it's touch and go, but on the whole..." "I think we're actually pretty well matched." "She's great fun." "Very clever." "No, I often think, as I'm sure you do, that things always tend to work out for the best... in the end." "One way and another." "Good." "Well, good." "Good." "I'm pleased for you." "You don't fancy doing this play instead of me, do you?" " Playing this Dr Bradman fellow?" " Me?" " Yeah." " I can't act" " any more than you can." " Well, I don't think that matters, as such." " It's only am-dram." " Well, no, I don't fancy doing it." "I think I've bitten off more than I can chew." "Aye." "Well, you shouldn't have been so keen to say yes just to make some damn silly point, should you?" "I didn't want Celia to be disappointed if it all fell through." " You'll be all right." " I keep having nightmares." "We're standing in the wings and I'm in costume and I'm just about to step on stage and, God knows why, it's only then I realise" "I've never actually sat down and learned the lines." " None of them." " Ooh, shit." "I know." "I've had it three times now." "You only got the part two days ago." "Yeah, but I have naps." "Well, it's only a dream." "It's probably normal." "I bet Laurence Olivier were the same." " Go on." " What?" "You do it." "You'll be better than me." " No." " Think about it." "No." " Is there a gardener?" " Eh?" " In the play, is there a gardener?" "No." "Not that I know of." "Why?" "I could be a gardener." "There isn't a gardener." " I'd be a good gardener." " There isn't one." " Well, happen there should be." " Well, there isn't." " Well, happen somebody should write one in, then." " He's dead." " Who is?" " The fella that wrote it." "Noel." "Yeah, him." "I'd make a good gardener." "This doctor, happen he does a bit of gardening in his spare time." "Happen you could think of him more as a gardener than a doctor." "Bugger off." "I'm not falling for that." "A doctor's a doctor." " I know what you should do." " What?" " Play it for laughs." "Get a big set of false teeth, like that vicar Dick Emery used to do, and talk like a silly arse." "It would bring the house down." "It will." "That's what you need." "A gimmick." "A thing." "You could do a limp, something like that." "You could be a bit pissed." "Play him pissed." "A pissed doctor." "That'll get 'em going." "A pissed doctor that squints." "Hey?" "A limp, pissed, squint and... stick your teeth out and talk like a silly arse." "They'll give you a Bafta for that!" "You see, you've got more ideas than me!" "I think you're missing a trick." " I don't..." " What?" "I don't think I can learn these lines." "Not in three days." "At one time, happen, but not now." "And I have tried." "Well..." "I'll have a look." "Eee..." "Well, everybody can't put their hand on the planchette because there isn't room." " I'm happy to just watch." "Can you just watch?" " Er, yeah." "I'm not sure this is something that you really want to be doing." "If you're going to have doubts about it, it won't work." "It says so on the instructions." "Yeah, shut up." "Let's just get on with it, yeah?" " Right." "I'll just watch." " Come on, we're losing momentum." " Who's going to be in charge, then?" "Have we decided?" " Granny." "It's good research for a play that she's in." "Good." "Come on, Celia." "You'll be good at this." "Right, come on, kids." "Concentrate." "Shh." "Is there anybody there?" " Sorry." " You will have to leave the room." " Sorry." "Nerves." "Sorry, Celia." "Is there anybody there?" " Oh, shit." " Did you feel that?" " Keep your hands on." "Did you do that?" "Shh." "Was that real?" " Shh." " Was it?" "People better not be messing about." "Oh, come on." "Concentrate." "Are you there?" "Please indicate to us if you are there." "Is there anybody there?" " You're doing that." " I am not." "That's weird." "That is weird." "That's weird." " Someone is with us." " Have you done this before, Granny?" " No." " Granny, are you moving it?" " No, she isn't." " No." "Are you a spirit of the departed, passed over, from the other side?" " Celia, no, really." "Is that you?" " That's weird." " Put your hand back on." "I think it's weird." "Spirit... spell out your name for us." "Oh, my God." "S." "P." "I." "K." "E." " Spike?" " Ooh, no." "That's freaky, that." "We used to have a cat called Spike." "A black cat." "He got chopped up in a combine in the lower field." " Do you remember, Mum?" " Yeah." "Yeah, I remember it was me that k..." "I'm not sure I want to do this any more." "Shut up." "Shh." "Shut up!" "Robbie, shut up!" "Robbie." "Robbie." "Robbie." "Robbie!" "Robbie." "ROBBIE!" "Stop snoring." "Sorry." "F'king hell!" " You all right?" " Yeah." "I can't sleep." "Why?" " Because you snore, Robbie." " Sorry." " I can't..." " What?" "I can't do this any more." "What are you talking about?" "This, us." "This, us -- what?" " Don't shout." " What do you mean, don't shout?" "I don't want you to go busting your stitches by shouting." "Yeah, well, it's not at the top of my list of things to do, either." "I think..." "Something weird's happening." "You what?" "You won't like what I'm going to say and you'll think I'm mental, which is fine." "Right." "Well, you'd better spit it out, then." "I do care about you." "Good." "Which is why..." "Why what?" "Why I'm worried." "About what?" "Eddie." "Eddie?" "I..." "I think he's in the barn." "That's the third accident you've had in there." "I think he never left." "And he knows we've got married and he doesn't like it." "That's..." "Daft, I know." "I do know that." "I think it's easy to read too much into stuff." "Don't you ever feel odd in that barn?" "Well, yeah..." "It's where he died." "Obviously it's going to feel odd, but..." "No, no..." "That's just knowing someone... .. took their own life in there," " that's all that is." " Yeah, but is it?" " Yes!" "There's no such thing as ghosts." "OK, I've had three accidents, but accidents happen." "It isn't like there isn't a logical explanation for 'em all." "That log falling on your head wasn't logical." "Except I was stacking logs at the time." "You said it felt like someone lobbed it at you." "That was the first thing you said when you came through that door!" "Right." "Supposing... even supposing that there was something like that, which there isn't, what could you do about it?" "We should never have got married." " He doesn't like it." " Have you got any idea how mad that sounds?" "I am actually... past caring if it sounds mad." "He's in there." "I've known he was in there for years, only I've convinced myself I was being stupid." "Gillian, he's not in there!" "He's dead!" "He killed himself because he didn't want to be around any more." " We should never have got married." " Oh, that's just..." "It's you I'm thinking about." "It's you that keeps getting hurt." "Except, next time, if he does kill you, guess who'll be in the frame?" "Guess who your buddies at the cop shop will be down on" " like a ton of bricks?" " Well, OK." "Well..." "Why don't we sell up and start again somewhere else if you're that upset?" " Because he'd follow us." " Gillian..." "Anyway, I'm not being chased out by him." "This was my farm, not his." "I..." "I worked for it." "I'm not going to be bullied by him." "I had enough of that to put up with when he was alive." "No, you won't be chased out by him, but you'll give up on our marriage because of him!" "I shouldn't have married you." "That's the point." "You're his brother." "It was a wrong thing to do." "That's..." "It's superstitious!" "It's crap!" "He's been in there for years, watching me, but he's never done anything like this before." "I don't think it's helpful thinking about him like this." "I think we should let him rest in peace, for all his faults." " I'd love to." " He's gone!" "He can't hurt you any more." "So, why is this happening?" "You..." "You've chosen to connect two things." "It's all in here." "I want you to leave." "For your own good." "No." "Gillian... think about it." "There's no evidence." "You're letting your imagination get the better of you." " You're being silly." " Silly?" "You think this is just silly?" "I'm going mad, Robbie!" "Did you know Caroline is an executor for her mother's will?" "I don't get asked." "Dad doesn't ask me." " What's that got to do with anything?" " Nothing." "It's just..." "She's doing my head in!" "And of course I'd look small-minded if I say anything." "Look, I can see you're upset." "I can see that you believe it's real, this... business, but from my point of view..." " .." "I can't." " Right." "Well..." "Who's this fella that Calamity's been seeing, then?" "She's a kiddie." " It's imaginary." " Yeah, but is it?" "Some people think children can see things we can't." "Gill!" "You know... you're starting to sound..." "I never thought of you as flaky, Gillian." "There's something I've never told you." "What?" "What?" "You were right." "All those years ago, trying to get me arrested." "Not my dad." "He knew nothing." "It was me." "It wasn't an accident, it wasn't suicide." "It was me." "I saw an opportunity and I..." "I took it." "I was off my head at the time." "I was off my head with the... the turmoil of having to live with a mad, torturing bastard." " You're just saying that." " I'm not." " You didn't really do it." " No, I did." "And..." "I think... .. I can't live..." "like this any more." "I did it because I couldn't stand it, but I did it." "I..." "Why are you saying this?" " I can't be married to you, because I killed your brother." " You..." " Don't say that." "Why would you even say that?" " I need to tell the truth." "I could cope, just about, till we got married." "I shouldn't have done that." "I shouldn't have done it to you." " How did you kill him?" " Oh..." "You know how I killed him." " Describe it to me." "Oh, fuck off!" "Describe it to me!" "He was playing with the log-splitter." "No helmet." "He didn't know I was there." "I came in behind him and I shoved his head in the way of the blade, and it shattered his skull." "He was drunk, I was drunk." "No, you were just..." " You're trying to get rid of me." " I'm..." "No." "I need... to face the consequences and get it done with." " You want me to arrest you?" " Yeah." "I think you should." "Erm... make a phone call." "Do whatever you have to do." " You're serious, aren't you?" " I killed him and I got away with it." "Except I didn't." "I want some peace." "And I'll never have any peace until I deal with it." "I'd rather kill myself than carry on like this." "I'm going to get dressed." "I'm going to pack a few things... and I think..." ".. I'm leaving." " Morning." " Hi." "You all right?" "Robbie's gone." "It's, erm, been brewing for a while, and now he's gone." "Where?" "Why?" "Like I say, it's..." " Are you all right?" " Yeah." "I don't know." "No!" " Has something happened?" " No." "No." "I asked him to go and he went." "You asked him to go?" "I'm fond of him." "I've always been fond of him." "But we should never have got married." "I think we both know that now." "I'm sorry..." "Have I shocked you?" "Are you upset?" "Is he all right?" "I don't know." " Harry?" "!" " Yeah..." "He'll be better than me." " He'll muck it up!" "No, he won't." " He'll do it daft." " He's got some very interesting ideas." " I bet!" "I think he'll put his heart and soul into it." " He doesn't look like a doctor." " Well, neither do I." " Yes, you do." " You look distinguished." " So does he!" " Does he buggery!" "Anyway, what do doctors look like?" "They're just people." "They come in all... physiognomies." "He's got a beard." " Freud had a beard." " Yeah, and he was a pillock." "Sex, sex, sex." " He won't be a patch on you!" " It's just..." "It's not my thing, I've realised, standing on a stage, everyone looking, expecting summat." "I..." "I'm sorry." "I were only doing it to help you out." "And he'll be perfectly..." "He'll be better than me." "Well, I don't think he will." "And I'm disappointed." "I'll be involved." "I... could... sell programmes at the door." "I could do the bar." "Do they have a bar?" "I think you should reserve judgment wi' Harry." "I think you might be pleasantly surprised." "I'm going to brush my teeth." "Right." " I'm sick of Harry!" " No, you're not." " Yes, I fucking am!" " Oh, Mum!" " Well, if you can't say the F-word when you're pissed off at my age, when can you say it?" "Oh, she's not listening." "She's not bothered." "Anyway, you like hearing your granny swear, don't you?" "She finds it liberating and uplifting, don't you, chicken?" "Ganny!" " See?" " Yeah, well, so do I, most of the time, however... can you just button it?" "Oh, you're so conventional-minded, you." " What's up?" " I think I put my foot in it yesterday with Gillian." "I mentioned the fact that I was an executor of your will, and I didn't realise that she wasn't... with her dad." " So..." " Oh, well, wouldn't worry." "You know, he's worried... that he can't remember his lines." "I heard them talking last night, him and Harry." "He's been struggling to remember his lines, then having bad dreams." "He doesn't want to let you down, but perhaps he genuinely isn't up to it." "And he has a heart condition." " What do you mean?" "You think his memory's not...?" " He's 78!" " So am I!" "Well, are YOU going to be ready on time?" "You've got a lot more lines than he has, and you've only got three days." "Oh, I'll be all right." "Oh, God knows." "But I mean, you can't let the side down when you've said you'll do something, can you?" "Well..." "I can't." "Have you been online?" "Got your tickets?" " You know we're nearly sold out?" " Yes!" "Everybody's coming." "And I mean everybody." "John, Judith, Greg, Angus, you name it." "They can't wait." " What night are you coming?" " First night!" " It's the only night that had any tickets left." " And Olga?" " Olga?" " She said she wanted to come the other day." "I like Olga." "Do you?" "Why?" " Hiya." " Hi." "Can I get a cup of tea, please, love?" "Thank you for coming." "How's your neck?" "Fine." " How are you?" " Um..." "God knows." "I'm all over the place." "Are you still of the opinion... that that's the truth, what you told me?" "I don't think anybody knew... .. what I was going through with him." "And I had a little kid to look after, as well." "If I hadn't... .. done it to him, he'd have done it to me one day." "One day it would've happened." "You know." "You know what he was like." "But maybe you don't know the extent of it." "Maybe you can imagine without me... spelling it out." "Are you all right?" "Sad." "I'm just sad." "Sad for him." "Sad for me." "So, what are we going to do?" "Are you going to report me?" "Do you want me to hand myself in?" "It wouldn't bring him back, would it?" "But maybe there's only me would want him back." "I don't know." "I do know what he was like, that side of him." "I should have married you." " Years ago." " Yeah." " But not him." "Yeah, but you didn't." "You were obsessed with him." "Yeah." "Fucking idiot." "I'm sorry..." "I think you're right, though." "I don't, erm..." "I can't stay there." "Not now." "I think that would be, erm..." " Have you told anyone else?" " No." "No, I..." "My dad really didn't know." "The worst thing he knew was that I didn't... call for an ambulance as soon as I should have done." "And that did his head in." "I'm not going to do owt rash, but I had an offer on the house." "Remember?" "Months ago." "A cheeky offer, way below the asking price." "They said if I changed my mind, then..." "So if they're still offering..." "I might take it." "Then I think I might travel." "I've always fancied Canada." "You mean, like... permanently?" "Maybe." "Right." "So we're not going to the police station?" "No." "Excuse me." "Thank you." "Hello... darling!" "Are you pi... (Pixelated?" ")" "I may have had the odd sherbet or two, just to... steady the old nerves." "It's packed!" "Gillian isn't here, and Olga hasn't turned up, but everybody else is here and they're all excited!" " He's pickled!" " I love you, Alan." "I knew this would happen, or something like it." "This is, lest we forget, the fella that capsized a 75ft narrow boat and damaged a small enclave of West Yorkshire!" " That's cheap, bringing that up." " How much have you had?" "Don't worry, it's method." "I've, erm, decided the good doctor is indeed an alcoholic." " But he isn't!" "It's not in the script!" " You're joking!" "They knocked back dry martinis for breakfast, this lot!" "Have you not read..." "Has she not read..." "We're on!" " We're on, everyone!" " Get off me hat!" " That's right, Edith." " Yes, ma'am." "Now, you'd better fetch me the ice bucket." " Shh!" " Did you get my white wine?" "I wanted a white wine." "Edith, as you're not in the Navy, it is unnecessary to do everything at the double." "Olga?" " Yeah?" " Gillian." "I'm, erm, a friend of Caroline." " Oh." " Her mum married my dad." "Ah, sweet!" "Are we late?" "Sorry, ladies, the curtain's just gone up." "I can sneak you in if you don't mind waiting for a lull." " Take your time." " Yeah, whenever." "With your help, my love, I have risen above..." " I hate am-dram." " Me too." " I'm only here cos..." "Well, you know." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Hey, fancy a drink?" " Oh... come..." " Susan!" " Oh, my love!" "Oh, ignore him, Susan." " Do your best, love." " Just refer to the script." "Everybody knows you've stepped in at the last minute." " Nobody will think anything of it." " I'm word perfect." "Jesus!" " Oh, dear!" " Oh, no!" " Let's have a look." "Susan's a midwife!" "OK, Harry, listen to me." "Listen to me, love." "You're not going on stage." "Ring 999." "He's broken something." "It's all right, you're all right." "You're going to be absolutely fine." "I just need you to stay still." "That's right, you squeeze my hand." " Ohhh!" " That's it." " What is it?" "We've got a compound fracture." " Oh..." "You'll have to go on, Alan." " Eh?" "Eh?" " He can't!" " You'll have to talk to them." " Look, Alan will go on, with Susan." " Really?" "We'll stay here with Nitwit until the ambulance arrives." " Look, I..." "I..." "I...!" " Harry, where's your script?" " Oh, it's, erm..." "Can you see it?" "Alan, just read the lines." "Just..." "Honestly, Alan, you'll be wonderful!" "I..." "I..." "You've got to stop the show now." "Surely." "Surely..." "Are you a man or a mouse?" "Go on, get up on the stage, be the mouse that roared." "Cry havoc!" "For England and..." "Boy George..." "What's that quotation?" "Come on, Susan." "She's probably on one knee in a pre-sprinting position, waiting for Cook to open the kitchen door." " Steady, Edith!" " Yes, sir." "Dr and Mrs Bradman." "We're not late, are we?" "I-I only got back from hospital half an hour ago." "No, no, of course not!" "Madame Arcati hasn't arrived yet." "That must have been her we passed coming down the hill." " I said I thought it was." " Then she won't be long." " I'm so glad you were able to come." " We've been looking forward to it." "I'm really quite excited." "Oh..." "Erm..." "I guarantee..." "Violet will be good." " I made her promise." " There wasn't any need!" "I'm absolutely thrilled!" "I've only seen Madame Arcati two or three times in the village." "I mean, I've never seen her do anything peculiar at all, if you know what I mean!" "Dry martini?" "By all means!" "I'm all for it." "I mean, I assume she's very good at what she does." "And why should all the private schools get all the superstar head teachers?" "It weren't just me, you know?" "I mean, it wasn't just what I said." "In fact, it probably wasn't me at all." "There was this lad." " What lad?" " Wyatt." " A lad she visits in the Young Offenders'." " Who?" "He's the boy that was driving the car when Kate got killed." "He wrote to her saying he was sorry and would she visit him." "So she did." "Has she not told you this?" " No." " He's 16." "He was terrified of her first time, he was shaking." "But he was desperate to say sorry to her." "To her face." "And it shook her." "Made her remember there are other reasons for being in teaching, besides helping rich kids with sharp-elbowed parents get into Oxbridge." " I didn't know that." " Mm." "You should remind her." "About that." "She's thinking she's made a massive mistake coming here." " Ohh!" " Try not to make a noise." " Who is it?" " This way." "Ooh, Daphne, don't do that, dear." "You're hurting me!" "Oh, Daphne, dear, please!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "No." "Be good, there's a dear child." "You say there is someone there who wishes to speak to someone here?" "Is it I?" "Is it Dr Bradman?" "Is it Mrs Condomine?" "Oh, stop it!" "Stop it!" "Stop!" "She's actually quite good." "Ohhh..." " Oh, steady on!" " Harry?" " What happened?" " Oh..." " Shouldn't you be on stage?" " Your dad's doing it." "Oh, careful!" " Come on." " Oh!" "Oh..." "Oh!" "What are you doing?" "!" "Sorry, we have to go in now." "Sorry." "Well done!" "Yeah!" "Aw!" "So sweet, old people!" "Yay!" " Whoo!" " Don't!" "Gillian said you're worried you're making a mistake being here, with the school." "You haven't." "You're going to make a massive difference." "You are going to be brilliant." "Good morning." " Morning." " Good morning." "How are you?" "Morning." "Good morning." " Morning!" " Good morning!" "Good morning!" "Has everyone had a good holiday?" "Well rested?" "Delighted to be back, all raring to go?" " Do you want a doughnut?" " Maybe later." "Who's done this?" " Maintenance." " Can you ask maintenance to come back with a spirit level?" " He won't like that." " Shall we risk it?" "Who do you fancy next?" "King Lear?" " No!" " Eh, I could do Lady Bracknell." "Properly this time." ""A handbag!"" "Is she in King Lear?" "Yeah, she's one of the Ugly Sisters." "Oh!" "Very good." "Her and Gonorrhoea." "No wonder he didn't like 'em, wi' names like that!" " Well, he chose 'em, presumably." " Aye!" "Him and Mrs Lear." "He'd be hard work, wouldn't he?" "Miserable old sod." "No wonder they were buggers to him." "What about a musical?" "A musical King Lear?" "No!" "That would be dozy." "Come on, what's a really good play for two mature individuals such as ourselves?" "I don't know!" "I don't know owt about drama." "I don't know how we've gotten ourselves into this fine mess" " in the first place." " I think we must turn to the Bard." " Must we?" " Mm, whether we like it or not." " Antony And Cleopatra!" " Really?" "Which one are you going to play?" ""I'll spurn thine eyes, like balls before me."" "Oh!" "OK." "Good luck with that one." "No!" "Where's your joie de vivre?" "Well, I suppose you were the Queen of Sheba when we got wed." " You might as well be Cleopatra as well." " Yeah." "And you're going to be my Mark Antony, Alan Buttershaw." " You think?" " Mm, yeah." "Your legs can bestride the ocean." "And I don't want to hear any excuses about arthritis."