"(Beeping)" "(Beeping stops)" "(Bell rings)" "(Dog barks in distance)" "(Squeaking)" "Peter Kingdom." "And you are?" "Right, first things first, what shall we call her?" "Not the question I'd open with." "Oh, is this all strictly necessary?" "The department just got a new instant camera." "Haven't had chance to use it properly yet." "So, any idea who'd want to hurl vermin at you, Peter?" "It was the brick that was hurled." "The vermin was merely deposited." " Maybe it's some sort of message." " Well, obviously it is." "If only you could talk, eh?" "If only we could unlock the mysteries trapped within this noble beast." "Yes." "If only we could lift fingerprints off the box it came in." "I love the smell of fingerprint dust in the morning." "There's a Dr Nicky Laker waiting to see you." " Laker?" " Says it's urgent." "Well, two minutes, after CSI Norfolk have finished working the scene." "We could always meet in my office." "Oh, no, we couldn't, because my office is the size of a guinea pig hutch." "Oh, change the record will you, Lyle?" "BEATRICE:" "I'm unfastening my stocking." "The sheer, silk fabric's giving me goose bumps as I roll it down my tanned and bare thigh." "Don't listen." " Now I'm reaching for the other stocking..." " Who is it?" " I'll give you two guesses." "...I'm pulling the..." "Erm, sorry, everybody." "It's crossed wires." "We get it all the..." " Who cut me off?" " I did." "Oh, come on, Gloria." "Plug me back in." "I had him in the palm of my hand." "(Clanging)" "(Coughs) Oh, I told you to hold that carefully." "I've decided we're gonna call her Lulu." "Dr Laker?" "(Church bell chimes)" " Mr Pearson?" " Yes." " What can I do for you, Mrs..." " Winifred." "Have a seat." "Just call me Winifred." "I am about to lose... the love of my life." "And I don't..." "I just don't know what I'm going to do." "This is footage from a break-in at the research lab I work at." "(Chuckles) You could put that on YouTube." "(Footage stops playing)" "Out of context, it would be sort of, you know, the cat suit and..." "Maybe not." "The reason I'm here..." "LYLE:" "It was you?" "Caught by your own hand." "Someone must have stolen my card, found a way into my home, took it from my bag and put it back again." "Now they think it was me." " You've got an alibi?" " I was at home by myself." " So no-one can corroborate?" " No." "That's what's so frustrating." "I could lose my job." "Years and years of work, expensive and vital research." " What sort of research?" " That's confidential." "Mr Kingdom, I need to know what I'm up against." "Well, it could result in a hefty fine, but it's more than likely given, as you say, that this is expensive and vital research, that prosecution will go ahead." "Great." "Guilty until proven innocent." "If you've done nothing wrong, then you've got nothing to fear." "May I say, Dr Laker, you've come to the right place." "(Squeaks)" "It's inhumane." "She needs a bigger box." "Ah." "Erm..." " Hi." " Hi." "Hi." "I just wondered if you had a copy of Smith and Keenan on Criminal Law." "Shall we go into your office?" "My office?" "Oh, no, no." "My office, no." "No." "It's a crime scene." "I think it would be much quieter in the little cubby hole, where we keep the work experience person." "Would you like tea, Mr Anderson?" "Thank you, Mrs Millington." "Shall we?" "(Mouths)" "(Birdsong)" "Here he is." "The building, Mr Pearson." " My one true love on this earth." " Oh, deary me." "Would you look at the time?" "A thousand years, there's been a nunnery on this site, watching over my sisters past and present but now they want to knock him down." "To be honest, I'm a relationship counsellor." "I don't really do buildings." "But this is the end of a beautiful friendship." "We're all going to need help dealing with it." "We?" "BEATRICE:" "Oh, I'm in pain." "(Classical music through headphones)" "I'm burning with desire." "I am so hungry for you," "I could eat you all up." " I'm aching for your touch." " Beatrice!" " I'm yearning for your very, very large..." " Give me the phone." " Hang on a minute, Viscount." " Viscount?" "I'm sorry, Your Lordship, it's the wrong number." "Never mind... what I'm wearing." "This is no way to earn a living." "I have a daughter to look after, you know, Peter." "Yes, and somewhere out there, there's a man - Petra's father, no less   who should be helping you do exactly that." " No, I'm not having this conversation." " This man has a duty to you and your..." " Blah-blah-blah-blah!" "This man" " I will not rest until he is standing here in front of me with an apologetic smile, and the full details of his bank balance." "I am so pleased you could help us, Mr Anderson." "Who actually decided to knock this down?" "A man came round from the council and looked him over." " Him?" " The building's a him." "How can you tell?" "And then we got a letter a few days later saying he's about to fall down on us." "I don't get it." "Looks safe as houses." "Absolutely rock solid." "(Knocks hard)" "An earthquake couldn't shift this lot." "Divine intervention." "NIGEL:" "Lyle?" "Are you all right?" " Mmm." "(Uplifting choral music) d Hallelujah, hallelujah..." " I saw a white light and..." "d Hallelujah ...and rabbits in a meadow." "d Hallelujah..." "I think you've been touched." "Mmm." "(Shredder whirs)" " God, what are you doing?" " I'm having a clearout." "Poor Lyle's drowning in paper." "Shouldn't we think about moving him?" "No, it's a lovely office." "Compact." "Bijou." "A perfect pied-a-terre for his rise up the professional ladder." "Yes, and he's qualified." "A goldfish only grows as big as his bowl." "I suffered in there." "He can suffer too." " Ah, thank you." "(Door opens)" " Oh, what happened to him?" " Jesus fell on his head." " Shouldn't he be at hospital?" " No, he's all right." "He's just a bit sleepy." "(Lyle groans)" "I'm glad you're here, Nigel." "I need a man." "Then I think your prayers have been answered." "No, not you, darling." "Someone Peter wouldn't approve of." "You must know loads of lonely old tossers." "Now, if you could find me the worst imaginable, I'd be delighted." "(Lyle moans)" "(Moaning continues)" "(Moaning continues)" "Lyle, wake up." "What have you done to it?" "Hello, Mum." "(Alarm rings)" "Your daughter did all this?" "And she showed her face." "There's no way I can protect her." "Well, she'll face prosecution for forced entry, criminal damage, arson..." " It doesn't look good." " She can't go to jail." "Mr Kingdom, you have to help me." "She's all I have." "What is it you do here, exactly?" "Molecular research:" "Rare diseases that kill you." "Why on earth would Donna break in here?" "Why would she do this?" "Donna's not the first." "Some people don't approve." "Animal testing is a small part of what we do here." "PETER:" "Huh!" "A small part?" "(Squeaking)" "I need a tiny favour." "Their nunnery is falling down and they need a room... or two." " For free." " We don't do gratis." "We'll be no trouble and the Lord will look well upon your kindness." "Oh, he's looking down on me, is he?" "I hoped I'd slipped under his radar." "Don't you see what's happening here?" "You're the friendly innkeeper." "Surely you can spare a room." "You wouldn't want us sleeping in a barn, would you?" "Shouldn't your church be looking after you?" "Your Vatican's loaded." "Our way is not to ask." "Our way is to be led wherever the Lord chooses to take us." "Which in this case is straight to the pub." "The guinea pig is evidence." "I had to get your attention somehow." "I'd have preferred a phone call." "I'm making a statement." "Bringing attention to what my mum's been doing." "How would you feel if you're going about your life, then you're stuck in a cage scared to death?" "Well, that's as maybe and I do sympathise, but I'm here to clear your name, not to fight for rodent rights." "But I have to say, it isn't looking good, Donna." "You're on CCTV." " You showed your face." " Course I did." "I'm not stupid." "Erm..." "That's starting to look debatable." "Don't you get it?" "I didn't do all of this to get myself arrested." "I knew that would happen, obviously." "I did it to get my mum the sack." "I don't know what you're doing to these poor creatures but this glowing guinea pig was sent to my office." "We are doing what we have to do in the interests of human health." "Well, then, erm... why keep it a secret?" "So that people like my daughter don't try and break in." "Mr Kingdom, can you or can you not get her off the charges?" "Well, it's more complicated than that." "You see, she told me that she did what she did deliberately to get you the sack." "She said that?" "She wanted to cause a fuss about the laboratory's methods, to expose you." "Seems that her cause is as important to her as yours is to you." "I... can't believe she'd do that to me." "What are we going to live off?" "This is my job." "My career." "Nicky, you really have to concentrate on what's at stake here." "Donna could get months in a young offenders'institution." "She'd get a criminal record." " She'd find it difficult to get to university, she'd..." " No." "I am not..." "I am not going to lose my job." "(Phone rings)" "Hello?" "Emily, it's Lyle." "Hi." " What you doing?" " For a start, I'm not wearing any knickers." "(Snorts) Me neither." "Is that legal?" "Anyway, erm... do you know a Ronald Swipes?" " Town and Planning Department." " Ronald Swipes?" "No, don't think so." "Oh, you must do." "He sent my client this letter." " Well, did he sign it?" " Yeah." "He signed it." "That's what it says." " R Swipes." " R Swi..." "Arse wipes?" "!" "(Light jazz music)" "R Swipes." "Wash that mouth out, young man." "He's bogus." "It's a con." "You can go back home." "What, and have a roof fall on our heads?" "Ah." "Besides, we signed another letter, handing it all over." " What?" " A nice man in a suit, he was." "Very... professional-looking." " Did he have a name?" " Er..." "Trevor Jones." "Big lad." "Trevor Jones." "Trev Jones." "T Jones." "TJ..." "Nope, no joke there." "I always knew my mum was a bitch." " You've certainly put her in an awkward position." " Duh!" "That was the whole point." "When did it begin, this animal rights stuff?" "About a year ago." "There was this underground club at school." "I got interested." "But, before that, you didn't really care." "You and your mum got on." "Yeah, I suppose, but now I barely see her." "I know it must be tough without your father." "You don't know what you know." "This... this school club..." "Does it have lots of members?" "Two, including me." "Oh." "And the other member?" "That's Ollie, from the sixth form." "He's wicked." "Gonna change the world, he is." " I'm looking for Trevor Jones." " You've found him." " I've been contacted by the nuns." " I thought they were a silent order." "No, and I'm on to you." "You're doing 'em out of a home." "So, what is it?" "Making way for a new development?" "Listen, mate, there's only four of 'em left." "I mean, you've seen the size of that place." "I could fill it with needy families." "Now, you don't wanna be getting in the way of that." "Would you?" "I'm rubbing them now." "I'm reaching for the oil." "Letting it drizzle all over me." "Dripping." " Running..." "(Beeping)" "Oh, hang on a minute." "I've got another caller." "Excuse me." "Big booby dream girl." "How can I help you?" " I think I've found him." " Oh, great." "Is he really terrible?" "Yeah, absolutely." "Cheated on his wife several times." "She's left him." "Completely miserable." "Total loser." " Shall I send him over?" "BEATRICE:" "Great." "LYLE:" "Anyone there?" "Hello?" "Hello!" "Er... you there!" "Only, I could use a little help." "Oh, sorry." "I thought Lyle was in here." "He's gone to see Mr Jones." "Can I pass on a message?" " Just tell him that Emily popped in." "PETER:" "Oh, yes, Emily." "Peter Kingdom." "We did meet briefly, if you remember." "Yes." "He talks about you all the time." " Does he?" " Yeah." "Sorry for interrupting." "I'll see him later." "Lyle's grown up and you don't seem to have noticed." "He's still 20... something." "What are you talking about?" "He's the future of this business and he deserves his place." "(Approaching footsteps)" "(Low chatter)" "This, sir, is a crime." " What is?" " What you've done to me." " What have I done?" " Set me in concrete." "Oh, right." " Has anyone seen you?" "Heard you?" " Well..." "No." "So it hasn't happened, then, has it?" "(Approaching vehicle)" "LYLE:" "Careful!" "Watch the tootsies!" "So Ollie Lincoln's no longer at the school." "I see." "Can you tell me where I can reach Donna's father?" "Oh." "(Door opens)" "I come bearing nutritive and sustaining foodstuffs." "Now, Donna..." "It was Ollie's idea to send me that guinea pig, wasn't it?" " Does it matter?" " What about the break-in?" " Was that his idea too?" " I wanted to do it." "It was all for the animals." "We have to shut that place down." ""We"?" "I think that's pushing it, Donna." "You were used." "No." "Ollie's my friend." "So where is he?" "I want my dad." "I just wish he was here." "So erm..." "What happened?" "Was it an accident?" "No." "Something in his blood." "There was nothing we could do." "Tell me about him." "I take it... he'd be very proud of you." "He was proud of everything I did." "You must miss him hugely." "When I was young, he made up these fairy tales to help me sleep." "They didn't make any sense though." "His last words to me were," ""Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl and she stayed beautiful her whole life."" "I told you they didn't make much sense." "On the contrary." "I think that's a wonderful tale." "I mean, you could just let Donna go." "Let her go?" "Sorry, not possible." "She was caught red-handed." "But what good would incarceration do her?" "Did you ever meet my old mum?" "Once or twice, I think." "Why?" "Well, you wouldn't have done, if it hadn't been for cancer researchers being left to do their job." "Now you're letting the personal intrude upon your professional world." "Pot... kettle... black." "(Smashing)" " You?" " Yeah." "Me." "You." "Your artist in residence." "So what's the deal, babe?" "How do you want me?" "Don't look so sad, Peter." "He was 103." " Cruel, really." " Cruel?" "Well, his wife died 28 years ago and all he's done is spend that time missing her." "All these wonder drugs keeping us going..." "What's the matter, Peter?" "Well, I can't accept a vulnerable young girl losing another parent." "Darling, you can't win every time." "Yes, but this time I have to." "She's at that awful teenage stage of lashing out at everyone closest to her." "The trouble is, the one she's lashing out at is all she's got." " Have you seen Gladiator?" " What?" "A wonderful film." "Terribly sexy man in it." "He won, no matter the odds." "No, Auriel, he didn't." "He died - horribly." "But, in dying, he won, and that added to his overall shag-appeal." "(Bells ring)" "Isn't it wonderful?" "Guinea pig heaven." "Yeah, but where's the actual fluffy thing?" "Someone's stolen Lulu." "Not stolen, merely relocated." " Lyle, you didn't." " I did indeed." "My conscience, Peter." "My conscience." "Anyway, looks like you win." "All research has been suspended." "Donna's little break-in is a mere speck on the horizon." " Lyle, I don't think I can ever forgive you for this." " Forgiveness is within us all." "You have planted evidence against our own client." "All creatures great and small, all things wise and free, those creatures may be mute, but Lyle will speak for thee." "Oh, Christ." "You'll be struck down." "With any luck, he'll miss me and hit you." "What's the matter with him?" " What's the matter with you?" " Huh?" "d Choral music" "d Hallelujah d Hallelujah, hallelujah d Hallelujah d Hallelu-u-u-u-ujah" "(Rock-style guitar) d Hallelujah d Hallelujah" "d Hallelujah" "We could do with a baritone." "d Hallelu... (Gulls cry in distance)" "Trevor bullied you out of your home and now he's bullying me." "We can't let him get away with that." "But, Lyle, maybe this is the way it's meant to be." "But we can fight him." "I've spoken to my boss and we can take it to him." "On a... on a legal front." "I'm not going to let people go homeless." " But you're homeless." " Nonsense." "Every house is God's house, even the public house." "I thought you loved your convent." "And I'm learning to love again, young man." "Look, I've had a baby." "Him?" " Well, you asked the question." " Him?" "!" "She's beautiful." "Him, sitting there?" "Him?" "!" "I want to paint my baby a thousand times over." "Bring me paint and canvas!" "Yeah." "Him." " You ratted Mum out?" "Cool." " I did no such thing." "My wayward young solicitor took Lulu's fate into his own hands." "So what happens next?" "Well, it's now the responsibility of the board of directors." "They meet in a week's time." "They have to answer for research that creates fluorescent guinea pigs and Lulu may well be appearing on Richard and Judy." "So can I go now?" "DC Yelland will want to ask a couple of questions, take a statement." "I'll be with you." " But the lab will drop the charges." " There isn't a lab left to press any." "Great." "I can be with my mum properly now." "This was never about animals, was it?" "You want your mother." "That's all you've ever wanted." "To be with her." "For her to notice you." "I miss her, Mr Kingdom." "Almost as much as my dad." "Couldn't you tell her?" "I have done, in my own way." "So how was I?" "Well... the word "ham" springs to mind." " A great big lump of it." " I thought it was an Oscar-winning performance." "Those were real tears." "Almost." "As long as you convinced Peter, that's all that matters." "So whose is it, then?" " It?" " Her." "She." " The kid." " That's my business." "All that matters is that Peter believes you're the father, then drives you out of town." "What if she really is mine?" " She's not." " It's possible." "If you do the sums, Bea, it's... almost definitely possible." "She is mine, isn't she, Bea?" "She is mine." "Come in." "Donna's waiting outside for you." "It was wrong of Lyle to leak it to the press, but, well, at least your board's dropped all charges." "All I wanted was to be left alone to do my best." "(Sniffs)" "Mum?" "What do you feel like doing?" "Shall we go for something to eat?" "Mum?" "(Engine starts)" " Mum?" "(Knocks on window)" "Mum!" "Mum, wait!" " Did you have workmen round?" " We did indeed." "Woodworm men." "And how did they know about the woodworm, these woodworm men?" "Well, I never thought to ask." "Blimey!" "They're hungry little bleeders, aren't they?" "There's no woodworm here." "This beam's been sabotaged." "One good slam of the door, it'll be raining wood." " Oldest trick in the book." " I've never heard of it." " No, nor me." " Yeah, well, it is." "Or it will be." "One day." "Thank you, Sidney." "Right." "So that's three penthouse apartments, is it?" "I was told the building had been earmarked for affordable housing." "(Low conversation)" "I see." "Thank you very much." "I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me." "I just found out who your needy families are." "(Laughter)" "You can't do this." "We'll be knocking the convent down tomorrow, so why don't you hang about till then?" "(Chuckles)" "Oh, Lord!" "Please help me." "Help Lyle, your humble servant." "Daddy's hat." "She's got my beautiful eyes." " Daddy." " And my chin." "You've got Daddy's chin." " She's the spitting image of me." " She is not yours." "I'll get a job." "A proper job." "We'll have to talk about schools." "Shall I get her a pony?" "Or a painting set?" "Are you gonna be an artist, like Daddy?" "A great artist, like Daddy?" "Nigel, I need you." "You can't do this." "It's the 21 st century." "We've civilised." "We have meetings in boardrooms, like gentlemen." "Gentlemen." "(Clattering) - 5:50 at Kelso." "Ted, this is wrong." "Wrong." " Well, they insisted." " Thank you, Nigel." "(Tuts)" "Right." "First, you want me to get you a man, and then you want me to get rid of him." "Yeah." "Now would be good." "And how am I supposed to do that?" "I don't have all the answers." "That's what I'm paying you for." " But you're not paying me." " No, but you have to act like I am." "That's what gets results." "I can't believe you drove away from me." "Just as I was trying to make this stupid situation better, you make me feel like a complete idiot." " Not now, Donna." " Have you completely lost you mind?" "You're the most selfish person I know." "I hate you." "Donna?" "Donna?" "Donna!" "Wait!" "I've done my best for Donna, Mr Kingdom but I can't be there for her, not how she'd like." "Truth is, I'll never be with her." "Have you heard of the Brunswick gene?" "No." "My husband carried it." "It affects the central nervous system, incapacitates you, and then..." "I've been working on a cure ever since." "Devoted every possible minute to it." "Do you know why?" "Because it's hereditary, Mr Kingdom." "And my beautiful precious little girl is carrying it." "So Donna doesn't know?" "No." "I never knew how to say it." "And the more I put it off, the harder it became." "How long has she got?" "Realistically, ten..." "Five years." "I wanted to talk to her last night, but..." "I couldn't." "What do I do?" "What do I do, Mr Kingdom?" "Do I treasure what we have left?" "Or do I go to another lab, work round the clock, in the hope that I can save her?" "In the end, you have to ask yourself what you want." "What you... what you honestly and truly want." "PETER:" "There's no... there's no wrong or right." "There's just you and Donna." " Would you wait?" " Of course." "Tell me a story." "What do you want to hear?" "I don't mind." "Anything." "Well..." "Once upon a time, it was nobody's fault." "Nobody was to blame." "Things..." " Things just happened." " Does it have a happy ending?" "I hope so." "I really hope so." "Ah." " I've found you." " Thank you, Nigel." "You're the best guidance counsellor in the world." "(Mouths)" "My baby." "My Petra." " The light of my life." " That's a shame." "Only er..." "I need some more help." "These are all divorcees." "Ladies I haven't helped." "Not one bit." " They're lonely and they need..." "BEATRICE:" "Baby." " And they need..." "PETRA:" "Mummy!" "Well, they need erm..." " Me." "They need me." "But you're with Beatrice and Petra now." "After a a long and er... very painful inner debate," "I er..." "I've started to think that maybe..." "Bea is right." "Maybe I'm not the dad." "I was just thinking of the one." "I've got a lot to offer, Nigel." "Stay there, darling." " Well, that was money well spent." " If you were paying me." "(Door closes)" "As a matter of interest, who is Petra's father?" "(Mobile rings)" "(Grunts)" "(Strains)" "(Chuckles)" "(Plop)" " Damn." "(Ripping)" "(Ripping)" "Aargh!" "(Squelch)" "He's not answering his phone, or anything." "Oh, he'll turn up." "So, is this what he's like?" "He's just here one minute and he's gone the next?" "No, not at all." "Lyle's a very dedicated young man." "So why is he avoiding me?" "I really liked him." "And he liked - likes - you." "Look, Lyle is a good-hearted, sensitive soul." "A bit prone to excitement and grand imaginings perhaps, but, nevertheless, he's a fine, upstanding individual." "(Door opens)" " Aaaah!" " Oh, good grief." " Quick, I'm hardening." "(Laughter)" "(Siren)" "(Police radio)" "Stop right there." "I'm arresting you for obtaining property by deception." "Trevor, if you're headed in the wrong direction, God always allows a U-turn." "(Horn beeps)" "LYLE:" "I told you I'd win for you." "Two things." "One:" "I'm not pressing any charges, so let the fella go." " You what?" "MAN:" "You heard her." "Two:" "There are many people who need this site more than we do." " No, no, he's turning this into yuppie flats." " You can't let him do this." "We're all God's children, Lyle." "Even the yuppies." "d Hallelujah..." "Do you know what happens to sinners?" "They end up stoking a hot furnace, being whipped by a horned thing." " Is that so?" " But, in the meantime," "I'll accept twice the price you originally paid for this convent." " You can't do that." " God bless the Freedom of Information Act." "He's got you there." "Thank you, Lyle." " God be with you." " And also with you." "(Typing)" "Donna to see you, Peter." "Donna." "I thought I'd say goodbye, only I'm going to go away." " Not erm..." "It's not the hospital, is it?" " No." "Me and Mum, we had a talk, and we're going to take our chances." "If someone comes up with a cure, then great." "If not, then at least we've been around the world together." "And, like Mum says, there'll never be anywhere that doesn't remind her of me." "Well, you'd damn well better send me a postcard, that's all I can say." "From every place we go." "(Door opens)" "All my stuff, it's gone." "Ohh!" "(Laughs)" "I hope you'll be a little more comfortable here." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Big booby dream girl." "How can I help you?" "Oh, I'm so glad you called." "I've been feeling so naughty." "I like naughty girls." "Naughty girls need to get sent down." "Hang on a minute." "I know that voice." "Bloody hell!" "It's you, isn't it?" " Who is this?" " Don't ever call here again!" "(Line goes dead)"