"♪ Happy happy birthday!" "♪" "♪ Happy happy birthday!" "♪" "♪ Today is your birthday, yay yay yay!" "♪" "This is the best birthday ever." "Who am I kidding, every birthday is the best birthday ever." "Look at those heathens." "Reveling in their sin." "They look happy, it must be nice to celebrate a birthday." "You know that's against our religion Martha Ruth Miriam" "Margret." "Give it a rest Kimberly Ann Mary Jane." "Even to suggest celebrating is blasphemy." "Yeah I get it Stephanie Faith Susan Marie." "I just wanna know what it feels like to have a birthday." "It feels like a sin a big smelly sin." "Birthdays are nothing but a celebration of greed and pride." "Come along Stephanie Faith Marie a glass of unpasteurized badger's milk will settle your nerves." "Birthday shoes?" "I love them!" "This is awesome." "But it just looks like so much fun." "Volo...totus...natalis!" "Happy 63 hours til your birthday!" "Please don't remind me." "Why so scared?" "Well, my birthday's on Thursday, and Todd throws me a surprise party every year." "Aw." "That's sweet." "It's not." "When Todd threw me my first surprise party, he thought it would be funny if we lit our farts on fire." "But my burning fart went back inside me and burned my in-bum." "I was 8." "One bad party isn't such a big deal." "The year after that was the petting zoo stampede." "The next year, heat stroke." "Snake bite, coma, locked in a dumpster the list goes on." "I just want something simple like birthday shoes." "Okay gang, it's time to talk Curtis!" "It's his birthday on Thursday and I have a history of throwing him wicked surprise parties." "Like one time his parents wouldn't get him a dog, so I captured a wild coyote, and hid it in his closet to surprise him." "We named him Growly." "If it's okay with you, Todd, I was thinking that maybe this year we could plan something a little less..." "Dangerous?" "No wait I'm sorry, stupid?" "What's dangerous and stupid about this?" "Am I reading that correctly?" "Okay..." "Curtis loves turkey." "So we load him up and take him on a scenic hike along the jagged cliffs of Crowley Gorge." "Seems dangerous." "And stupid." "I was thinking I could help plan the party." "You know, as Curtis' girlfriend." "No offense Hannah, but I think I know Curtis a little bit better than you do." "For example:" "This year I'm getting him a taco bong for his birthday." "What?" "You're probably getting him a science textbook." "It was signed by the author." "I don't care, I'm co-planning this party." "You can co-plan as much as you want but we'll just have to see who's ideas he likes more." "We're working together." "No, we're not." "Good luck, Hannah." "I think this is gonna be a lot of fun for you." "Hey guys, what's up?" "Nothing!" "Nothing." "Gus is turning 100 on Thursday, and we made him a birthday card!" "Of all the Satanic activities you geezers could be doing, you choose this?" "Gus has contributed tremendously to this society..." "Back in the Dark Ages." "Look what this society has become!" "It is stuck in the past, we need to think of the future." "If Satanism is to prosper and persevere we need new blood." "You want us to get blood transfusions?" "No, I want to recruit young people into the society!" "You don't mean teenagers?" "Oooh scary, isn't it?" "(Chatter)" "Silence!" "If I'm to become the Pure Evil One which is who I will be" "I will need an army that is strong and obedient." "And you old geezer farts are neither." "But what will become of us?" "Oh just keep doing what you always do." "Jack shit!" "He's still gonna sign Gus' card right?" "Sweet birthday shoes." "Aren't they gorgeous?" "I can't decide whether to wear them or suck them off!" "Hey, Lacey!" "See you tonight at your birthday party!" "You know it, Troy!" "I'm gonna get totally drunk!" "Oww!" "Oww!" "I'm counting on it." "♪ Happy happy birthday. ♪" "♪ Happy happy birthday. ♪" "♪ Today it is your birthday. ♪" "♪ Yay yay yay yay yay!" "♪" "What the hell is that?" "It's your birthday cake, silly." "Aren't you one of those creepy religious chicks?" "Don't you want your birthday cake?" "I don't think so, boner poison... (growling)" "(screaming)" "I said I'm getting an ice sculpture for the party," "Todd said he's getting a fire sculpture!" "It sounds like Todd's taking this party planning rivalry pretty seriously." "What rivalry?" "We're working together." "Listen, if you wanna upstage Todd, just offer Curtis something Todd can't." "I already made him a robot arm." "I mean a party for two if you know what I mean." "Party for two, you and Todd aren't coming?" "Okay, so you don't know what I mean." "I'm talking about an intimate kind of party." "Yeah, just the four of us it's not like I'm gonna invite the whole school." "I'm talking about sex, Hannah." "I'm not ready to have sex." "I don't want Curtis to think I'm easy." "No offense." "Somebody left their shoes in the hall." "And their feet in their shoes." "So, Troy just to confirm your great grandfather and father were Satanists and it says you're also one." "What can I say, Satan rocks." "He sure does." "Here's what I'm proposing." "I have a vision a grand vision of a new, youthful Satanic" "Society and I think you'd make a perfect recruit." "Thanks, Mr. M." "May I add, you have fabulous muscles what do you bench?" "Two fifty." "I bet that's a lot." "Plus the chicks love me 'cause I'm hung like a donkey with a big dick." "(laughing)" "So, Troy..." "I'd be thrilled if you'd help me find a certain magical Book that grants me absolute power." "And uh..." "Destroy all my enemies." "Sounds pretty cool." "And you'll recruit all your friends?" "You have friends, right?" "You look like you have friends." "Everyone loves their boy Troy." "How could they not?" "Welcome aboard." "Don't you worry." "Your boy Troy who is who I am won't let you down." "You and I will do great things together, Troy." "Oh, happy birthday by the way." "Thanks." "Check out my birthday shoes." "Styling!" "Hey, Troy if you're not doing anything for your birthday I can take you out for dinner so we can discuss Satanism?" "Yeah sure." "Do you like pizza?" "I like pizza so much I can't decide whether to eat it or suck it off!" "(laughing)" "Later, Mr. M." "Later Troy, 8 o'clock at the Slice King." "Suck off a pizza." "I wonder whose body these feet belong to." "They're Lacey's." "I'd know those fresh kicks anywhere." "Huh?" "Girls check out each other's shoes, okay?" "Allow me to investigate." "Dude, that's kinda gross." "Not to mention completely unsanitary." "That's blood." "That's icing." "That's wax." "What has blood, icing and wax?" "A delicious surfboard!" "Come on guys, we know a delicious surfboard didn't do this, it must be the work of the Book!" "Well this is gonna have to wait until after" "Curtis' surprise party." "It's not a surprise if you say it out loud." "Me-ow!" "Yay." "Happy birthday, Troy." "Are you my birthday present?" "Nice!" "I've had a thing for older broads since things got weird between me and my step mom." "Let me just wash my dick, it's pretty sweaty." "Coach pushed us hard today." "And your boy Troy is very hygienic." "I have a better idea." "(Growling)" "Aaaaaaaaaah!" "(Screaming)" "Happy birthday to me!" "That's some good birthday." "(Screaming)" "More severed feet!" "What are you doing here, Atticus?" "Yeah and why are you crying?" "I know it's hard to believe but I do have a heart and it's broken." "You knew this guy?" "His name was Troy..." "Okay... and he was a very special boy." "Now all that's left of him is his birthday shoes." "I waited all night at the pizza parlour the waiter kept asking me if I wanted to order." "Just more bread-sticks please he's on his way, he's on his way." "Nobody understands..." "We don't have time for this, we've a birthday bash to plan." "I think you mean I have a birthday bash to plan." "Have you ever thought that maybe Curtis doesn't actually like your birthday parties and he's too scared to tell you?" "Me-ow!" "I think my best friend would tell me if my ideas suck balls" "Hannah, I tell him all the time." "Hmm..." "Huh..." "Hmmm..." "Haaaa..." "Ha okay..." "As much as I enjoy watching you two fight, we've got bigger fish to fry." "Like how bout that pair of severed feet?" "Jenny's right." "Let's call a truce?" "For now." "We're on the same team, Todd!" "For now." "Troy is dead, father!" "Troy!" "The future of Satanism!" "Troy was nothing, do not forget your mission Atticus you are meant to find the book." "The book, the book must've had something to do with" "Troy's murder." "Don't you see father, that's why I'm obsessing about the boy's death it's all about the book." "Oh I humbly apologize Atticus I guess I just assumed." "That's right father you did assume, and all too quickly." "And I suppose you've checked your spy cameras for footage of" "Troy's murder and there's no need for me to bring that up?" "Spy cameras, why didn't I think of that?" "Of course I checked the spy cameras, I'm not stupid!" "You know just what I need." "And I need it bad, baby." "Another birthday." "Another birthday." "Martha-Ruth- Miriam-Margaret?" "What happened to your face?" "You look like a gran." "Did you bring me a present?" "Is it a birthday?" "I love birthdays!" "We don't celebrate them, remember?" "You don't, but I do!" "I celebrate lots of em!" "Every day oh, yes!" "Happy birthday to me!" "Martha-Ruth-Miriam-Margaret, you've gone birthday crazy!" "Fudge you!" "It's not what I look like on the outside, it's what I feel like on the inside that matters!" "Loved!" "Admired!" "Celebrated!" "You need help!" "I do not, what I need is another birthday and fast!" "You don't have one?" "I'll pay, anything!" "Jimmy, I'm in the market for confiscated fireworks could you help a dude out?" "Help yourself bro." "Thanks!" "What are they for?" "For Curtis' birthday, I'm gonna make him a pair of exploding underwear." "I just haven't figured out how I'm gonna make it a surprise?" "I know, I'll chloroform him then when he's unconscious slip them on, do you have any chloroform?" "Oh yeah top drawer." "Thanks!" "Your birthdays fucking rock when you're young." "You know my best birthday was right around your age." "Look though, cherish the moments dude before you know it your best years will slip right from you fast then you know it." "Geez Jimmy that's like really dark." "Sorry dude, it's just one of those days." "My fucking floor buffer's fucked up." "Yeah man that sucks, gotta go." "I was rocking out and I didn't even notice all the shoes and I buffed right over them." "Wait." "Did you say shoes?" "People should be more careful where they leave their shit." "Lacey, Troy and now the Argento triplets." "What ties them all together?" "I can't believe how much this bakery's charging me for" "Curtis' cake." "I told you to CC me on those emails Hannah!" "The baker didn't do reply all." "Stop blaming all your problems on the baker, this is no time to screw around you know what?" "You're off the party planning committee!" "You have no authority!" "Don't make me pull rank, Hannah!" "You have no rank!" "And why are you gluing fireworks to Curtis' boxers?" "It's called a gift, Hannah." "Guys I love listening to you fight but can we focus here?" "Are those Lacey's shoes?" "Um." "Did you steal shoes from a dead girl?" "It's not like she can use them." "And my boots get really worn-out from all the running and kicking I do." "And they're really expensive I could never afford these" "I'd probably have to get them as..." "Birthday shoes!" "We know Troy died on his birthday." "And look at the Argento triplets' shoes!" "They must be birthday shoes too!" "And you know what the crazy thing about triplets is?" "They have the same birthday!" "Someone is using the Book to kill students on their birthday!" "Oh no..." "Curtis..." "I can't believe I'm gonna die today." "I'm so not prepared for this." "Dude you're not dying today." "Not when you've got an awesome birthday bash to attend." "Yeah too bad I'll miss that." "No you're not gonna miss your surprise party." "Here's the plan Hannah and I will go look for the Book, Todd, don't let Curtis out of your sight." "Right I'm on death watch!" "Let's call it Curtis watch." "If I'm gonna die I wanna die with a full stomach." "Let's go to the cafeteria." "Okay." "One last time." "My boy..." "My beautiful boy!" "I've got you now... murderer of Troy!" "She's getting older..." "Somehow the girl with the cake ages every time someone is eaten." "This could be useful." "The party's not canceled, I'm not gonna let the Book ruin my plans of upstaging Todd!" "And you don't want Curtis to die." "Yeah that too." "I knew birthdays would be the ruin of her." "Poor Martha-Ruth- Miriam-Margaret?" "She's fallen from grace." "Tell us what you know, make it quick!" "A birthday boy's life depends on it!" "Where is the birthday boy?" "Martha-Ruth- Miriam-Margaret?" "Is that you?" "Now you look like a gran-gran!" "Martha-Ruth stay away from my boyfriend!" "But why on earth would I do that?" "After all, I have to give the boy his...deathday cake!" "(laughing)" "That old hag's trying to get Curtis!" "With all this running I'm really glad I swiped these shoes!" "We have to go!" "Martha-Ruth is using the Book to steal birthdays!" "And all those birthdays are adding up, each of the victims was 17, 17 times 5 is 85." "And Martha-Ruth was 17 to begin with, which means she's... 102!" "Which explains her sudden transformation into a very old woman!" "Also, the Book has transformed into some sort of evil birthday cake." "Talk about your worst birthday ever." "Third worst birthday." "We have to run until it's not your birthday." "Happy birthday, Curtis." "(screaming)" "Birthdays are the best!" "You feel like you're on top of the world!" "Listen to me, Martha-Ruth your body can't take another birthday." "Yeah, you've stolen enough birthdays, you birthday slut!" "I want it." "I NEED it." "Give him to me!" "No!" "Get out of here!" "Back!" "Back!" "Ha!" "(Screaming)" "(laughing)" "Happy birthday Gus!" "You call this a birthday bash?" "It's just a couple of dumb ass kids..." "And this hot piece of keister!" "Wheel me over!" "It would be my pleasure." "I've never seen a cake like this before." "Ahhhh!" "(laughing)" "It's okay Jenny." "Stop it!" "(laughing)" "(burp)" "So many birthdays!" "So many birthdays!" "It's overwhelming!" "The Book!" "We really need to buy a butterfly net." "Thanks for saving my life Atticus." "If that's what I did, it wasn't for you." "It was for Troy." "(Sobbing)" "Troy!" "Atticus is acting weirder than normal." "Hannah's right we better start keeping a closer watch on him." "(Throat clear)" "We have that thing tomorrow." "Oh right." "What are you guys talking about?" "Nothing!" "You guys did this for me?" "It was all Hannah." "But my birthday was yesterday." "We were a little busy with the birthday cake trying to eat you..." "And I don't see anything that could maim or injure me." "Hannah, I'm the luckiest guy in the..." "Holy titty nipples!" "Corn chips!" "Happy birthday, Curtis." "Birthday shoes!" "Those are Troy's birthday shoes." "Cool, everyone loved the Troy Boy." "Hey I got something that'll top that." "Get ready for one of my famous Todd birthday surprises." "I knew this was too good to be true." "Ha!" "Yeah!" "A one night only Barbarian Apocalypse world fucking reunion baby!" "Awesome!" "But we haven't practiced." "That's why..." "I got this." "A taco bong?" "!" "How did you know?" "Alright dude, let's rock!" "Wait, I have one more gift for Curtis." "Okay, now let's rock!" "One two three four!" "♪" "They're not that bad!"