"Look, Leo, there's something that I need to tell you." "I could tell you later or I could tell you now and I'd rather tell you now." "I was born with a penis." " Hi." " Hi." " Er, are you ready to order or..." " I think we might need a minute." "Maybe a little bit longer." "No problem." "# Hey Mr Dreamseller, where have you been?" "# Tell me have you dreams I can see?" "# I came along just to bring you this song" "# Can you spare one dream for me?" "#" "Wazzup?" "Remember that?" "WAZZUP?" "I've just been fired." "Another classic - hubba hubba." "That's what you say when you see a fittie." "I know what it means, numbnut." "You're not listening, I said I've just been sacked." "But my favourite's got to be... bow chicka wow wow!" "Jimmy!" " What happened?" " I don't want to talk about it." "Just...don't tell mam." "She'll go ballistic." " Me lips are sealed." " Promise?" " Absolutely." " Hey." " Heya." " How's me boys?" "Mam, it's awful." "Leo's been fired!" "He's lost his job!" " Y'what?" "!" " He said Leo's lost his job." "Yes, I heard what he said, Tony." "He's kidding!" "Honestly, what's he like?" "What are you like?" "Like Forrest Gump, but not as fast." "Don't even joke about things like that." "You know I'm a nervous wreck as it is!" "So how was your day?" "Busy." "Oo..." "Er..." "Went to ASDA." "Had a swim." "Had a pint." "Quite a nice day really... 'til I heard Leo's bad news." "What bad news?" " Oops." " What bad news, Leo?" "Come on, tell your mother." "All right, look... ..it's true." "I lost me job." "I've been sacked." "You have got to be kidding me." "Why do these things always happen to me?" " Er, mam..." " Shut up, Leo." "God, it's me, Pam." "I just want to ask you one thing, end it now." "Leo thought you'd overreact." "I knew you wouldn't." "What was it this time?" "They questioned me honesty." " Your honesty?" " You've been thieving again." "He's been thieving again, Tony." "Jesus wept." "It's the school tuck shop all over again." "Who can forget Curly Wurly-gate?" "Did Leo steal it or was he framed?" "Shut up you." "I haven't stolen anything." "In fact, if anything they said I was too honest." "Too honest?" "How can somebody be too honest?" "Well, they asked us if I really wanted to be there and I said, "No."" "What kind of an idiot would do that?" "I'd do it." "Leo, you'll soon get another job." "You'll be fine." " Oh, he will, will he?" " Absolutely!" "He's a good kid." "He'll find something." "So you'll give him a job at your place then?" " LAUGHS" " No." "No, he's too weak for manual labour." "You've got no social skills and you eat with your mouth open." " No offence, son." " Well, I am slightly offended." "Leo, he said 'no offence'." "You see?" "Even your own dad won't give you a job." "I've just about had enough of this, Leo." "You've got me worried sick." "I have?" "What about James?" "He's not worked a day in his life!" "Yes, but that's James." "I wrote him off years ago." "I know exactly what I'm getting with James and that's nowt!" "No offence, James." "None taken, mam." "You see, Leo?" "That's how it's done." " Sit." " Mam, I'm not a dog, you can't order us around." " Sit!" " OK." "And now, it's time for the news with Pam Macdonald." "IMITATES NEWS JINGLE" "There are two headlines today." "It's all kicking off in the Middle East, and I will no longer be running a doss house." " From now on..." " These crisps are melting in my mouth." "..nobody will be staying here rent-free." "IMITATING NEWS REPORTER Yep, breaking news just in, Pam," "I don't have any money." "And, James, it's time you got a job." "Nice one, Leo." "Jimmy, look at it like this." "If you get a job you might actually meet someone to go on a date with." "Er, I've got a date." " What?" " I've got a date..." "And so does Leo." " He does?" " Do I?" " Since when?" " Since tonight!" " Bye, Mam." " Bye, Dad." "See yous later." "So, who are these two lucky ladies we're meeting then?" " We're not." " You what?" "I just said that to get us out the house." "It was all getting a bit Guantanamo in there." "Anyway, worry not, worry not." " I am bound to meet a fittie." " And what about me?" " Not a chance." " Eh?" "!" "Why won't I meet a fittie?" "Because, bro, you have zero swagger." "I have loads of swagger." "Let's see some." "Here young'n...dose new kicks you've got is swag-tastic." "Keep going." "Me swag is so hard that ne one can match it." "It's off da hook!" "Boom!" " Go back!" " What?" " Go back home!" "Go on, on you go." "You're not with me." " Who is this man?" "Because he's not with me." " Jimmy!" "LEO SIGHS" "Well, this is going well." "Patience, bro, patience." "It's early yet." "Trust us, this place is a total pick up joint." "Excuse me." "You, er..." "Interested in buying some butcher meat?" "It's vacuum-packed." "You're all right." "I'm good for meat, thanks." "Fittie, two o'clock." "Ah!" "Play it cool." "Huh?" " Jimmy, what...?" " Ah!" "Oh!" "What the hell was that?" "I'm making my moves." "And she's probably making hers... as far away from you as possible!" "Well, she's still here." "So from now on I'm going to call this my lucky shirt." "I think I've pulled." "Choo-choo!" " James..." " CAMERA SNAPS" "Jimmy?" "It's your round." "I'll be at the bar." "Hi, I've got a cake for Sarah's Hen Party." "Oh, right." "Two ticks, I'll just check with the boss." "Aisha!" "Cake!" "Oh, a cosmopolitan." "I thought I'd mix things up a bit." "There's nothing wrong with a man drinking a cosmo." "Oh, bollocks!" " You OK?" " Oh..." "Yeah, it's just..." "PHONE RINGS" "Excuse me a minute." " Hi, Mum." " Oh, hello, love." "Er, mum, I know, I've just realised..." "It seems there's been a bit of a mix up." "I've brought the wrong cake, I know..." "Now, I don't want you to panic, but you've taken the wrong cake!" " Mum, I know..." " The cake you were supposed to have..." " the one shaped like a..." " A giant cock?" "Well, that one accidentally gone up to the retirement home." "Now, it's nothing to worry about - they loved it." "Mrs Lipton swore blind they'd modelled it on her fourth husband." " LAUGHS" " See you later." " Bye, mum." " Ta-ra, love." "One of them days?" "Yeah, you could say that." "Yeah." "Me too." "Would you..." "like a drink?" "LAUGHS Yeah." "OK." "I'm Leo." "Judy." "Whoa, that's a strong handshake you've got there." "Means you're trustworthy and reliable." " Really?" " I have no idea." " Cheers." " Cheers." "So what do you do when you're not delivering novelty cakes?" "I like walking, swimming, reading." "Ah, really?" "I quite like reading." " Oh, really?" "What sort of stuff...?" " I meant swimming." "I like swimming." "Well..." "Can I ask you something?" "Yeah." "What are you doing tomorrow night?" "Oh, well, let's see." "I could pretend to be super busy, or I could just tell you the truth." "In that case... ..would you like to do something?" "Yeah." "Yeah, OK." "I'd like that." "OK, it's a date." "I'd better warn you, though," "I think I'm a little bit older than you." " Oh, really?" " Yeah." "Hang on." "Excuse me." "Whoa!" "You're ancient!" "Right, we'll have a look at next week for you." "Ee, Pam, I'm sorry I'm late." "No, let me rephrase that," "I'm late." "Actually, rephrase that an' all." "I'm the boss." "How can I be late?" "Morning, Anji." "Y'alright?" "Yeah, I'm good, babes." "You OK?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "You don't look fine." " Tony still on at you to buy that caravan?" " No." "The drains!" "Your drains have backed up again, haven't they?" "There's nowt wrong with me drains, Anji." "If you must know, it's Leo." "GASPS He's gay." "I knew he was." "Too soft spoken to be straight, gentle features and the cheekbones." " He's lost his job." " For being gay?" "He's not gay, Anji." "He's just lost his job again." "I don't know if I can take any more." "Now that's him and James." "Pam, Pam, Pam..." "Come here, darlin'." "Aw, there's no point getting upset." " And d'you know why?" " Why?" "Cos there's a customer just come in." "I'm going through the back for a lie down." "Morning." "You can thank me later." " What's that?" " It's a game for you and Judy to play." "It's not a playdate, Jimmy." "We're not eight years old." " No, bro, you need all the help you can get." " No, I don't." "This is me on a date..." "Gangsta." "This is you on a date..." "HYPERVENTILATES "It's the end of the world."" "That's not me." "Not even close." "March 8th, 2013." "You and me go on a double date." "Me..." ""Let's all go chill at Nando's." ""S'all good."" "You..." ""Not many people know, but America has 46 states and not 50."" "That's true." "But we weren't dating two dusty librarians from Oxford, we were dating two fitties." "Yeah, well, it's called... conversation." "Call it whatever you like, but you came home straight away and I came home two nights later." "OK, give us the game." " How's my darlin'?" " Aw, fine, thanks." "Getting ready for a quiet night in?" "LAUGHS What does it look like?" "Hm, let's see what the evidence suggests." "Hm..." "You're wearing Opium." "You only wear that when you're going somewhere special." "OK, mum, you got me." "I'm going on a date." "Now, you say you're staying in, but your lovely new top is hanging here..." "Look, I'm going on a date." "That leaves me with only one conclusion - you're going on a date!" " JUDY LAUGHS" " So...who's the lucky man?" "His name's Leo." "Leo Macdonald." "Excellent." "But there's a bit of an age gap." "Age gap be damned!" "Que sera sera, I say." " He's 26." " Bloody hell!" " Hiya!" " Hiya, Jackie!" "We're up here!" "Oh, I love first dates." "So much excitement, expectation, and sometimes, just sometimes, colossal disappointment." "Oh, but I bet you and young Leo have a lovely time." "Mum, please don't call him 'Young Leo'." "I am bloody knackered!" " What you been doin'?" " I've been walking." " And...?" " That's it." "Your sister's got some big news." "He's just so sweet." "I'm just going to come right out with it and tell him everything." " Wait till you hear my big news." " She's got herself a date." "Judy's had her operation, I'm going to have mine." "Not you too, Jackie!" "Oh, it's gender bender central in here, honestly!" "No!" "I'm going to Hungary." "I'm going to have a gastric balloon fitted." "Oh, be careful, love." "Women get kidnapped in that kind of country." "One moment, you're waiting for a taxi, and the next, you're being exchanged for a camel." "God, I've got palpitations." "Do you want a beta-blocker?" "I think I'd rather have a cyanide pill." "Aw, here he is!" "Just in time." " What for?" " Have a seat." "Right, I'm going to read a few extracts from my diary." "Oh..." ""Yesterday was a very bad day." ""Leo got fired...again."" "Thank you." ""Today has gone from bad to ridiculous." ""I've just seen a photo of Leo's girlfriend."" "Wha...?" "!" "You took her photo?" " Shhh..." " "Dear Diary, I think I'm going to be sick." ""She's nearly my age."" ""Dear Diary, someone's been eating my Chipsticks." ""I don't know who, but I've got me suspicions."" " It wasn't me." " Hm?" " It'll be that thieving Leo." " Eh?" "!" "It wasn't me." "I don't even like..." "Nobody cares about Chipsticks!" "OK?" "Not one person." "Nobody." "Oh!" "I've highlighted and underlined this bit." ""Why is Leo going out with a much older woman?" ""Is it A, because it's some kind of kinky experiment?" ""Or is it B, because he wants to give his own mother a heart attack?"" " Can I say something?" " I wish you would." "You see an older woman." "I see a teacher." "Someone to educate Leo in the finer things." "Love." "Life." "Sex." "Yeah!" "I think mam's in shock." "I can't believe you just said that." "Take it back." " Do I have to?" " Yes." " I take it back." "Mam, just for once, can you try and see the positives?" "What positives, Leo?" "Please, give me one positive." "Well... ..she's... ..only a few years older." "I've got a positive!" "Don't you dare mention sex again." " You can go to the chiropodist together." " Good one." "Well...it looks like I've got quite a lot to look forward to, Leo, so thank you." "Thank you very much." " Hi." " Hi." "Er, you look lovely." "Thank you." " Oh, thank you." " My pleasure." "So...how are you?" "I'm fine." "Good, good, good." "Oh!" "Er..." "let me show you something." "My brother made this, so if you hate it...blame him." "Erm, it's called The Dial of Truth." "As you can see, the card is divided into 3 sections - personal stuff, interesting titbits and, um..." "..favourite sexual...positions." "HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY" "Here's what you do - you spin the arrow, if it points to 'personal stuff', you reveal something of that nature." " So you could say something like..." " Leo, I was born with a penis." "Exactly." "Exactly!" "But it has to be true." " OK." "Ladies first." " SHE LAUGHS" "OK." "'Personal stuff'." "Leo..." "I'm a transsexual." "Oh, my God." "Don't look now, but isn't that Gary Beadle from Geordie Shore?" "What?" "I..." "It could be his twin." "Sorry." "I'm sorry." "You were saying something." "Look, Leo... ..there's something that I need to tell you." "I could tell you later or I could tell you now and I'd rather tell you now." "I was born with a penis." " Hi." " Hi." "Er, are you ready to order..." "I think we might need a minute." "Maybe a little bit longer." "No problem." "Feel free to ask me anything." "Just nothing too personal." "So... ..you..." "Yes?" "You were..." "You were born in the wrong body?" "Yes." "Yes, that's right..." "That's..." "Well, that's exactly right." "I see." "OK." "So...what was that like... to be...?" "It was like being born in prison." "Never having a release date." "Right." "So... ..are you getting a starter or...?" "Oh, would you rather not talk about it?" "Hm?" "No, I'm just hungry." "Let's talk while we eat, if that's OK?" "Yeah." "So, what do you fancy?" "I hope Judy's OK." "She'll be fine." "You really think so?" "No." "Remember her last date?" "Oh, yeah..." "Total shambles." "What was he called again?" "Mark." "Now, was he the one who looked like a ferret?" "No, that were Keith." "Oh, yeah." "Keith the Ferret." "Fancy him nicking her purse!" "No, he didn't nick her purse." "That were Brian!" "I actually transitioned pretty late in life." "When did you, er..." " ..transition?" " Last weekend." "THEY LAUGH No, I was 32." "But enough about me." "Tell me something about you." "Erm, well..." "I'm 26, and a..." "Gemini." "And do you have your own place or are you sharing or...?" "I, erm..." "I still live at home." "Yep, I'm a loser." "But, you know, I'm going to move out, just as soon as I've..." "MUMBLES THROUGH WINE GLASS" " It could be worse." " Yeah, it could be worse." "I could be 40 and still live at home." " Yeah, that would be worse." " What's your home situation?" "I'm nearly 40 and I still live at home." "THEY LAUGH" "Remember Ed?" "Was he the one who faked the emergency phone call and left?" "No, that were Wayne." "Ed were the one that chatted you up." "Oh, yeah." "Now, I liked him." "You talk proper posh, so I'm guessing you're not from round here." "Well, I'm not from Newcastle, no." "Thank you." "But I'm a northern girl." "Really?" "You don't sound northern." "I know, but when I transitioned" "I knew that I wanted to leave as much of the old me behind as possible." "Really?" "Yeah, so goodbye, Johnny Vegas." "Hello, Fiona Bruce." "Mam, mam." "Me and me dad are going to play straight face." "Fancy it?" "No, thank you, James." "Not in the mood." "But if I don't make you laugh, you win this." "IMPERSONATING ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: 'I need your clothes, 'your boots and your motorcycle." "'Come on!" "'" " You think?" " Keep going..." "'Come on!" "I'm right here!" "Do it!" "Come on!" "'Get to da chopper!" "'" " Shit." " Got it!" " Ow." "Oh, excuse me..." "Have you seen that man I was with earlier?" "Er, yes, he bolted out of here a few minutes ago." "Right..." "Anything else?" "Just the bill." "Thanks." " Sorry..." " HE PANTS" "..a woman forgot her cardi." "Do you have time for another coffee, or a tea with biscuits to dunk?" "I'd love one." "Leo... ..what are you thinking...about me?" "And be honest." "Erm..." "OK, erm...you want the truth?" " HE KNOCKS CUTLERY" " Er..." "OK." "The truth..." "Our bodies have a way of letting us know who we find attractive." "My body let me know that it finds you very attractive." "And I've just realised how inappropriate that sounds." "OK, my turn." "Just so you know, I am impotent." "Hi." "I'll come back." "SHE LAUGHS" " Oh." " Woo, hoo, hoo." " This is me." " Oh." " Erm..." "OK." " OK." " Erm..." "Oh!" "Oh, sorry." "I..." "I thought I was going to burp." "Er..." "OK, I'll..." " I'll give you a call." " Great." "See you soon." " OK, bye." " Bye." " Hi." "Can I be honest?" " Yeah." "I wanted to kiss you then, but I'm a little bit, erm..." " What's the word?" " Shy?" " Yeah, I'm shy." "I'll always be shy... but I think we can still..." "..you know." " Aw, this is no good..." " It's fine." "If you're not into it..." "No, it's not that." "It's..." "Can you wind the window all the way down?" "There we go." " Oh!" " Oh!" " Piss!" "Are you all right?" "Oh..." "All right?" "Not bad." "I'm not bad." "The kiss was great." "In fact, it was fantastic." "One more for the road?" "Ah, I was watching that." "Here he is." "Come on then." "How'd it go?" "Kinda good, yeah." "Fine." "Well, I hope you behaved like the perfect gentleman and strapped her safely into her stairlift." "Mam..." " Or maybe she's in a bungalow now?" " Mam..." "Well, it's much easier to get around, isn't it?" " Everything on the one level." " Mam, stop it." "So...will you see her again?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I think I will." " Hubba hubba!" " Oh, shut up you." "DOOR SHUTS Hey!" " Hiya, love." " All right, Judy?" "Guess what." "Hang on a bit, Judy, the adverts are on in two minutes." " I'm only kidding!" "How'd it go?" " I told Leo." " Told him what?" " That she's not keen on mackerel." "That she used to be a bloke!" "Bloody hell." " I told Leo everything." " Everything?" "Well, not everything." "But I told him about some of the surgery, that doctor from hell... crazy therapist..." "Oh, the one with the sandals?" "Anyway, I finished pouring my heart out, and Leo then said something and he hadn't spoken for ages, he'd just been listening..." " And he said..." " Do you want some of my pate?" "No." "No, I'm saying do you want some of my pate?" "There's a crusty loaf there an' all if you want some." "Oh, shut up, Jackie." "Anyway, he said... .."It was all worth it."" "And he didn't say it as a question... ..he said it as if it's a fact." " Come here!" "Give us a hug." " JUDY LAUGHS" "Oh..." "SHE MOUTHS" "Thanks, Dad." "Would it be all right if I turned the telly back on?" "Hang on a minute." "I think..." "I think there's something you should know." "Well, go on." "Mam... ..dad..." "She's..." "She's..." "I think she's the one." "# Meet me on the corner when the lights are coming on" "# And I'll be there, I promise I'll be there" "# Down the empty streets we'll disappear until the dawn" "# If you have dreams enough to share #"