"That's good, that's good." "I hope that wasn't something important." "No, sir, just some rescinding orders that were never sent out." "This is ridiculous." "Can't they send us something decent to wear?" "I hear they got a whole bunch of winter issue in a big warehouse in Seoul." "Wish they'd send us that stuff." "I'm sick of going through Command." "Let's send a letter to Quartermaster." "Yes, sir." " "Commanding Officer." - "Commanding Officer."" ""Quartermaster Corps." "Sir..."" " "Sir." "Seoul."" " Seoul." ""Seoul, sir."" ""I gratefully acknowledge the receipt of your latest shipment of supplies to our unit."" ""The mosquito netting and summer underwear were appreciated."" "I'm wearing so many cotton drawers, my thighs don't know each other any more." ""...my thighs don't know each other any more."" "Don't tell him about my thighs, Corporal!" " What's the matter with you?" " Sorry." " All right." "Paragraph two." " Two..." "OK. "I respectfully ask, however, that you review our latest request for long underwear, parkas with fur liners..."" "And those nice woolly caps with the earmuffs?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "OK, put that down, but in military talk." "Now then, "To the best of my knowledge, the entire outfit is enduring severe hardship due to the lack of warm clothing."" " Have you got that?" " Soon as my hands thaw out, sir." "# In the cool, cool, cool of the evening" "# When the singing' fills the air" "# In the shank of the night When the doing's are right" "# Oh, you can tell 'em I'll be there Oh, you can tell 'em I'll be there" "# In the shank of the night When the doing's are right" "# Well, you can tell 'em I'll be there" "# You can tell 'em I'll be there" "Courage, Camille." "Turn down the radiator." "I worked up a sweat out there." "You're wearin' long johns." "You think I want to catch cold and die like you?" " Where did you get 'em?" " My father sent 'em to me, after I wrote him I'd be home for Christmas, whether Truman said I could or not." " Hawkeye?" " Yeah?" "I'll give you $20 for those long johns." "Are you kidding?" "I wouldn't take 12 of your toes for these." "I'm warm, warm, do you hear?" "Warm!" "I'll give you $50 and a picture of my children." " Stop dripping your filthy germs on my bed." " $60, you can have the children." "Thanks, but I have no place to keep them." "Why don't you use your other blanket?" "I'd like to, but somebody stole it." "This war is turning everybody into a criminal." "It makes me sick." "Next time, try to stay out of the draft." "That's great!" "Boy, listen to that wind." "# The snow is snowing" "# The wind is blowing" "# But I can weather the storm" "Now, look, pal..." "I don't care how pitiful you get." "I am not giving you my long johns!" "I don't want 'em." "You keep 'em." "No point in both of us getting sick." "Fine." "You better get some rest, Hawkeye." "You're gonna need all your strength tomorrow to bury me." "Some people don't care about anybody but themselves." "Now shut up and go to sleep!" "It's your bet, Radar." "If I have three red cards, is that three of a kind?" "Is that a question for a grown man to ask?" "OK, I bet 20 bucks." " 20 bucks?" " Like taking candy from a baby." "I fold." " You?" " Foldissimo." "Well, I'm in." "Trouble is, I don't have $20." "The mummy here beat me for 170 bucks tonight." "How're you gonna bet?" "Could I, uh... could I interest you in..." "You got long underwear?" "!" "I gave them to you cos you were choking to death!" "You can't bet them just because your nose stopped running!" "I got to." "I'm down to my last $3 and an old brassiere hook." "I gotta get even." " Suppose you lose!" " Against him?" "I want to see this underwear first." "I have very sensitive skin." "Wow!" "Soft as a baby's bottom." "Let me see your cards." "You better win, pal." "Full house." " I guess that beats two pair, right?" " It sure does." "What were they?" " Tens." " Yeah, tens and what?" "That's it." "Two pairs of tens." "Is that good?" "You lost them!" "How did it happen?" "You lost my beautiful double-weave, semiwoollen, sensuously soft long johns to an astigmatic missing link with four tens!" "That's how!" "All right, bub." "Put your underwear where your mouth is." "I haven't been this warm in days." "What a terrific invention." "Can you walk at the same time?" "I want to eat this before I have broccoli-sicles." "Certainly, Mr Full House." "Sit with us doctors so this discovery won't get lost to science." "I can't, Hawkeye." "I promised I'd sit with someone else." "Is there a reason this line is going so slow?" "It's moving in the opposite direction." "I just lost a fantastic hand-warmer to another guy and I wanna see who it is." "She must have frostbite on her taste." "Let's get closer." "How did you get your hands on them?" "Uh, well..." "When you've been around for a while in this man's army, you get to learn a few of the ins and outs." "What the hell is he talking about?" "Put your hand in there." " Oh, it feels so good." " Soft as a baby's bottom." "I'll break his leg, set it and break it again." "Can I get you some pie?" "Would you?" "I gotta keep my energy up for later." "Can I have some more pie for Nurse Beddoes?" "Sure." "She's got quite an appetite." "If you know what I mean." "You're some guy, Radar." "What's your secret?" "I like to put 'em on a pedestal, you know?" "Surprise them with little gifts." "Put your hand in there." "If he lets everybody feel them, they'll be nothing but lint." " Look in here." " Wow!" "Is that a whole one?" "A complete leg of lamb." "It'd take you a whole weekend to eat it." "Yeah..." "In exchange for those." " Does that include the mint jelly?" " You got it." "Something came up." "I can't make it tonight." "There goes the last of the great leg men." "Filth!" "This isn't a kitchen - it's a bacterial breeding ground." "A germ kennel!" "How long of a walk is it from here to the soup, Sergeant?" "About three feet, sir." "And nothing walks faster than a bacteria." "A bacterium." "I've made over 700 meals here, sir, with only one illness." "That was three months ago." "Are you feeling any better now, sir?" "I'm not concerned about myself." "It's the men." " I'm reducing you to Corporal." " Are you busting me?" "Yes." "And with a corresponding reduction in pay, of course." "My invalid wife is dependent on my sending her a few dollars every month." " The wife you had when you poisoned me?" " Yes, sir." "I couldn't punish you then because your wife had just died." "She got better." "They only thought she was dead." "She was stiff and everything." "But it was nothing." "Her death was all in her head." "Sergeant, I would be very surprised if you never even had a wife, let alone a stiff one." "The men in this outfit are lucky I came in here tonight to get warm, and found this mess!" "Is your tent cold, sir?" "No colder than it was for our boys at Valley Forge." "I wonder if you know who..." "might have left these here, sir." " Double-weave long johns." " Double-weave?" "I have no need for them." "If you want them, you'd be more than welcome to them." "Hey." "Look what the giant rodent has on his body." "Suppurating pustules, if there's any justice." " Where'd you get those long johns?" "!" " Wouldn't you like to know." "Those are mine, you hermaphroditic weasel!" "Possession is nine-tenths of the law, and I'm sleeping with a baseball bat under my pillow, so don't try anything!" "If I didn't think it would warm you up, I'd beat you to a pulp!" "Say your prayers, or the tooth fairy may come and knock out all your teeth." "Imported French Camembert cheese." "Frank, where did you get it?" "My wife sent it to me." "Frank, how much do you love me?" " How much?" " Yes, much." "How much?" "Margaret, you're my pearl, my guiding star." "Let's drop the poetry, Frank." "How much am I worth to you in cold, hard reality?" "I don't understand." "Do you want a loan?" "I'm talking about us, Frank." "What would you give up for me?" "The moon, Margaret, the moon." "That would be a wonderful gesture..." "if you had it." "Now, is there anything you can think of that you have that you would give up?" "Gee, no." "How about your wife?" "How would that look to our minister?" "He lives up the street from us." "Frank..." "I think we should re-evaluate our friendship." "Margaret, don't say that." "Whenever you say that, I get nervous chilblains." "Oh, get up and don't be disgusting." "Margaret, you know how I hate the cold." "You know how my fingers bleed when the slightest winter breezes start." "I can't pick up the smallest thing without pain." "Yes." "Yes." "May I give you a pair of heavy winter civilian underwear?" "You mean if you ever get a pair?" "These." "You've let me sit here and freeze to death with socks on my hands while you've been parading around in those?" "!" "You tell your fingers to start bleeding, Frank, and get out!" "After you give me that underwear!" "Hold it, fella!" "Mickey Mouse has warts." "No small talk." "This is a stick-up." "I'm not making small talk." "That's the password." " You can't hold me up." "I'm a major." " Sure I can." "I'm crazy." "Ask anybody." ""Crazy Klinger, he wears a dress."" " Take off your clothes." " Take off my clothes?" "!" "I know you're trying to get sent home as a nut, but wearing dresses is bad enough." "Don't get repulsive!" "I want your long johns." "Strip." "I don't happen to have them any more." "And you'll be sent to the stockade for this!" "Don't, Major." "I gotta have long johns." "I'm getting a terrible draught up my skirt." "If you had the guts to serve your country, you wouldn't have to prove you're crazy." "You don't think this takes guts?" "Walkin' around in this little, thin cocktail dress?" "I don't even have a fur stole." "I have to wear this cheap cloth to keep from freezing." "Hold it!" "Out of my way, or you're under arrest!" "Major Burns, nobody takes me seriously." "I'm gettin' tired of that." "Damn it, I'm freezing myself!" "Major Houlihan has the long underwear!" "Oh, sorry, sir." "No offence." "Outta my way, you freak." "The next time we meet, I wanna see a shine on those high heels!" "Somebody!" "Quick!" "Somebody!" " Are you all right?" " Yes!" "Quick, get inside!" "Get in here." "Quick, close the door." "I've lain awake dreaming of this moment." "May I kiss your oak leaf, Major?" "Where were you just now?" "In surgery, perfecting my sawing-the-man-in-half routine." "Where do you think I was?" "Somebody ran off with my underwear!" "I hope that teaches you something about blind dates, Margaret." "They were stolen from my clothesline." "They were double-weave, woollen long johns!" "Your underwear?" "Now they're your underwear?" "You wouldn't even have seen them if Trapper hadn't coughed up his lungs!" "And that febrile idiot didn't hold four tens and get an adolescent crush on a leg of lamb." "Your underwear?" "!" "Once you got them, you couldn't even keep your hands on them!" "Only God knows where they are now." " Here you are." " Thank you." "You're very welcome." "Psst!" "Father!" "Over here." "Yes?" " I'd like your advice on a spiritual matter." " Certainly." "If you need something" " I mean, if you're really cold or something - would it be a sin to steal from somebody who was kind of a rotten person anyway?" "Have you stolen something?" "These." "Oh, my." "Aren't they nice." "Whoever you took these from must be cold now." "Father, if I give 'em back, the certain person I took them from would like to have me killed." " I've been trying to avoid that lately." " I see." "I hear the artillery going off every night when I go to sleep." "Every night it keeps getting closer." "I can't stand it any more." " I know." "I hear it too." " You do?" "It gets closer every night." "I'm in trouble." "I was just making that up." " Father, help me!" "I gotta get out of here!" " Put your soul in order, my son!" "You're bending my glasses." "Couldn't I just give them to a needy person?" "I know it's hard, but try to do what's right." "Try." "I'll try, Father." "May I have your blessing?" "Certainly." "But you're holding down the hand I do that with." "Now, pray for strength and guidance, in order..." "Oh, dear." "They certainly look toasty, Father." "I took the liberty of wearing them last night." "It was getting late, and I didn't want to bother you." "Had my first real night's sleep in ten days." "I'll bet you did." "Better keep them locked up until you find the owner." "A lot of people would want them." "Don't worry, Father." "I'll ask around." "Meanwhile I'll stay very close to these." "Nice talking to you." " Radar?" " Yes, sir?" " Have you lost anything?" " Have you found anything, sir?" "I'll ask the questions." " No, I don't think so." " Fine." "Then I want you to note that I asked you that question at noon today." "Thanks." " Is there anything else?" " No, that is all." " Would you sign this?" " We'll do that later." "Thank you for..." "Is Henry in?" "Some of him is." "But most of him is still hanging out." "Move!" " Hi." " Are we interrupting anything?" " I guess this looks pretty funny to you guys." " Why?" "Are we laughing?" "We came to report the disappearance of a pair of long johns, which you are wearing." "Oh, yeah?" "Hey, can you identify them?" " I got a better idea." "You identify 'em." " OK." " Without looking." " Oh." "Well, they're long." " And they're johns." "I guess they're his." " Let's have 'em." "If you think I'm handing these over without checking this out..." "I'm conducting a thorough investigation." "It might take a couple of months..." "Come on!" "We want them!" "You're talking to two very cold, crazed people!" "You both can't wear 'em at the same time." "Whoever throws you farthest gets to keep them." "I didn't even touch him." " What's the matter?" "Are you sick?" " No, don't be an idiot." " It's a new dance." " No, it's indigestion." "Now, forget it." "Get lost." " Let me feel your abdomen." " You don't have to feel it." "I'm fine." "Fine." "I told you it's a new dance." "Very graceful." "This hurt?" "You're having trouble digesting your appendix." "I knew you'd say that." "First thing you want to do is cut a guy open." "A couple of sadistic creeps." "Look, this is just your basic gastric distress." " How long have you had these pains?" " Off and on for a couple of weeks." "What other symptoms do you have?" "I don't have any symptoms." "Look, it'll all clear up the next time I throw up." "You've been throwing up?" "Come on now." "Don't get any ideas." "You guys aren't gonna cut me open." "Nobody's gonna cut me open." "Let's do something." "This examination is killing me." "I think his indigestion is about to burst." "Can you make it in to a table, or do you want us to carry you?" " I'll walk." " Let's go." "By the way, I loved you in Duck Soup." " Did you lose something, sir?" " Get a nurse." "We're cutting him open." " Just cos he stole your underwear?" " Will you go?" "I want a local." "And I wanna know what you guys are doing every step." "OK, don't worry." "No, give me gas." "I don't want to see any blood." "Just take it easy." "Relax." "Leave this to us." "I saw this in a movie once." " What are you gonna do with those?" " Expose your skin." " No, no!" " Henry, I haven't even touched you yet!" "Never mind me!" "Don't cut the long johns!" "Clamp." "Attention." "Here's the announcement you've been waiting for." "Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake is the proud father of a bouncing baby appendix." "Henry's doing fine." "And the underwear's been saved." "We're a hit." "Colonel Blake wants to thank you for saving his life." "Oh, shucks, tweren't nothin'." "Anyway, he wants you to have this token of his undying gratitude." "I hope that's a discharge." "Oh, no." "It's these." "Oh, no!" "No, no!" "No, no, no!" "Uh-uh!" "Forget it." "Well, how about..." "Oh, no!" "Uh-uh!" "Forget it!" "No, sir." "No, sir!"