"This your card?" "My name's Thad Taylor, Mr. Paladin..." "Cross Bar Ranch over near Placerville." "Well, last fall, right after roundup," "I was telling my troubles to this fella, see, and he gave me your card." "So when Lydia finally backs me up into a corner," "I said, "Well, Lydia, let's go to San Francisco and do her up right." "Well, I know it's wrong, me knowing she's coming here for one thing, and me coming here to meet you, but, see..." "I got it all figured out how we can work it." "We'll say you're a land buyer, see, interested in that back section of mine." "What are you talking about?" "Well, tarnation, I just told you!" "See, it's my housekeeper, Lydia, she's gonna marry me." "Now, I'll pay you a thousand cash if you'll get me out of it." "And you better say yes fast, 'cause she ain't gonna shop for them frying' pans all day." "Oh, oh, no, sir, it's nothing like that." "Why, may I be dragged naked through a brambly patch if I ever done a thing wrong." "Well, then just say no to her and save your money, Mr. Taylor." "No, you don't know Lydia." "Thaddeus!" "I warned you against talking to strangers." "And you..." "I know your type." "A gambler, likely." "Fancy clothes and a trick up both sleeves, just waiting for some poor simpleton like this to walk in." "No, ma'am, all we was doing..." "Lucifer written all over his face." "Or maybe that's what attracted you." "In a town full of sin, who makes a better guide than a sinner?" "You see?" "Come along, Thaddeus." "We have more important things to do." "Mr. Taylor, sit down and have a drink." "Mr. Taylor..." "I may be interested in that proposition of yours after all." "We are agreed on the original price you mentioned?" "Oh, sure, l-I meant what I said." "See, we was talking about that back section of pastureland." "I thought as long as we weren't using it, well..." "You thought you'd let somebody steal it?" "What's he offering?" "Well, I guess the land's worth about... $2,500?" "As a first payment, of course." "The other $2,500 to be paid after the title is transferred." "$2,500... plus?" "You mean $5,000 for..." "The trouble is that I will have to see the land immediately." "Now, if you're in town on some important business..." "Well, it just so happens that Lydia and me was go..." "No." "Nothing important at all." "Fact is, we were just talking about heading back home." "Yeah, that's right." "See, the stage we come in on goes right back in half an hour." "Oh, well, that'll give me just time to pack." "Mr. Taylor, I'll meet you and your housekeeper in the hotel entry, in just half an hour." "Farewell." "Whoa!" "Oh, uh, this here's, uh, Lydia's brother Clyde, Mr. Paladin." "He minds my livestock for me." "My gear's in the backseat." "Get it out when you have a moment." "Just a minute." "Where's your ring, sister?" "Just you keep quiet about that." " I'll explain it later." "Yeah, besides which, it ain't none of your doggone business in the first place!" "Thaddeus... were you born in a barn?" "Look at your boots." "S-Sorry, Lydia." "My sister don't allow no smoking in there." "Clyde, I'm telling you for the last time, you're hired to mind my cattle, and that's all!" "Clyde, you get on about your business." "Madam, it's been a long, dusty, hot journey." "I wonder if you'd mind bringing me a glass of cool water." "Ain't no man so big that a length of kindling won't cut him down to size." "Did it ever occur to you that a length of kindling might work just as well on her as it does on her brother?" "Oh, well, a-a man just can't do that with a woman." "A theory that will probably result in their being the last thing civilized by man." "When Milton declared that "Heaven's best gift is a woman perfected," he forgot to mention what a hellish job it is perfecting one of them." "I think perhaps Homer described her better." ""A creature with the form of a goddess, the walk of a queen and the heart of a tyrant."" "If you rode out to the acreage now, Thaddeus, perhaps Mr. Paladin could make up his mind by the 6:00 stage out!" "I will let your employer know, Miss Moss, when I am ready to leave." "As a matter of fact... it's so cool in here, I don't want this glass of water." "Will you bring me a cup of coffee instead?" "You might at least wait till I got it set down." "Well, now, Miss Moss, I distinctly heard you tell me to wait." "Maybe you'd prefer to go out and eat with the hogs!" "Miss Moss, don't apologize to me for your cooking." "I'm sure the over-seasoning was just a mistake." "Over what?" "We've had your cowboy friends ride three days to eat at this table." "It is amazing how cowboys and ranch hands develop a fondness for that peculiar flavor of chuckwagon cooking." "You know, very few kitchens can reproduce it." "I notice you ain't stood short at the biscuits!" "Madam, the fact that a chicken can lay a perfect egg does not entitle her to crow like a rooster." "Well, now, that finally does it!" "You tell him to leave, Thaddeus." "We are not interested in doing business with him." "Miss Moss, you seem to have some very peculiar idea that you have a part in this transaction." "Thaddeus, tell him." "Well, go on!" "It's time he knew about us." "All right, you can just bet that I've got an interest in all this." "Thaddeus and me was just settin' to get married when you came along." "Ah..." "Thaddeus, no wonder your friends come around here." "I'm sure they enjoy Miss Moss's sense of humor." "It's authentically Western, you know, the impossibly tall story." "Uh, l-look, Paladin, maybe if we just, uh..." "And what's so tall about it, Mr. Paladin?" "Well, Miss Moss, I'm..." "I mean, really... you... and Mr. Taylor?" "He's reasonably young and attractive, and he's a very wealthy rancher." "Thaddeus, are you just gonna sit there while he insults me?" "I'm warning you." "You run him off right now, or else." "It's either him or me." "I'll leave you, so help me!" "Well, sir?" "You have been asked for a decision." "Well, see, you're not e... exactly playing it fair." "Taylor, it is her ultimatum." "If she leaves now, she has her pride, she hasn't been run off or jilted." "Just what does that mean?" "Uh, look, Lydia... you finish straightening up in here, Lydia." "l-I have to have a talk with Mr." " Mr. Paladin." "We had an agreement!" "Well, I am living up to my part of it." "You've done nothing but throw the whole darn thing right back in my lap!" "A man can be hired to do anything in this world for another man but make a decision for him." "Listen, Paladin, if you want your thousand dollars, you get in there and make it so clear to her that she'll never come back." "Tell her that I don't want her around." "I don't want to marry her," "I don't want to see her ugly face or hear her screeching or her nagging..." "That won't be necessary, Mr. Taylor." "I'll leave as quick as Clyde can arrange me a place to go." "Till then... till then, I'll be happy to keep my nagging, ugly face out of your sight." "Well, I heard you up." "l-I thought you might like some coffee." "Well, that's... very kind of you." "Miss Moss, I'm... really sorry." "I didn't mean to hurt you." "As a matter of fact, I'm thanking you for doing me a favor." "No woman would ever be happy with a... a weakling." "Well, I'm sure that's very wise of you." "Good night, Miss Moss." "You try to be kind to a man, run to the kitchen and make him coffee, and-and a lot he cares." "Well, I'll tell you something that'll surprise you." "I saw you when we first walked into that hotel." "Sitting there with that simpering, soft woman." "Her lighting your cigar, and-and pouring your drink... and just begging for you to notice her." "That's what men like, isn't it?" "Playing the great raja and women having to crawl to them?" "Well, I've got too much pride for that!" "I don't have to beg!" "I just..." "I've saved my money." "Over $300." "Is it enough?" "Do I have to say it?" "Well, I will take a guess on almost anything, but not right at this moment." "If you saw your own father beat your own mother into a grave, and you had five brothers just as shiftless and weak as him and you grew up the only girl, the only one with any stomach for work," "the only one to stand on her hind legs with any pride and decency, well, then, you might get a backwards idea of the place of women and men and things." "I want... to be a proper female kind of woman." "I want Thad Taylor to love me." "Oh, he's not like most other men, Mr. Paladin." "He's decent." "And kind." "And I love him so much it hurts." "I'd rather die than lose this house." "Put your money away." "Oh, please!" "Lesson number one:" "never touch a man in desperation, in anger, or in fear." "For a real woman, a proper female kind of woman, tries to perpetuate the legend that her touch is as rare as a fine jewel, that it's given only to a very special person at a very special moment." "That doesn't make sense." "It's not even practical." "forget all about logic." "Now, how in the world does a woman get her hair into this condition?" "What do you do, starch and iron it?" "Oh, Mr. Paladin..." " Don't argue with me." "Now, come on, get up." "Up!" "Up, up, up!" "Up!" "Turn around." "Pipe down." "It, uh, smells like burning hair." "Somebody branding calves in here or something?" "I told you I don't know how to fix hair!" "Look at me!" "And it's all your fault!" "You are beginning to talk like a woman now." "Blame it all on the man." "I grade you 100% on that." "I hate you." "That is also the correct answer, and your brows are still a mess." " It hurts to pluck 'em." " Then don't." "Oh, you think you're so all-fired sm..." "You are quite right about my brows." "I should've seen it." "No, more conviction." "How wonderful of you to drop in." "No, it's too bold." "How quickly you seem to understand..." "No mystery." "Isn't it strange how you seem to understand my little problems?" "I wonder what that means." "That's a little better." "It was a lot better." "Was it?" "Not if you don't think so, Mr. Paladin." "Lydia, it seems to me, if you pile it higher, it'll make your face seem more slender." "I don't have a slender face." "Do I have to be a liar to be a woman?" "You'll know when a moment for honesty comes, and it'll make truth out of every illusion you've created." "Dad rat you, Paladin." "Told you they'd laugh at me, buying all this frilly stuff." "Had to knock half of Ed Bigley's teeth down his throat." "Now, I want to know what's going on here." "Lydia?" "Isn't it wonderful how good Clyde is about helping me?" "He was always the sweetest of all my brothers." "Well, I don't mind helping a person a little." "When are we gonna leave?" "Whenever you think we're ready, of course." "Well, no, it's..." "it's whenever you're ready." "You just let me know." "It works." "Even with him." "Why, you're all like children, aren't you?" "It's not only bad, it's... it's foolish to use a whip on a child." "Miss Moss... here are your robes." "I believe you're about ready to graduate." "We'll see that somebody drives your surrey back from the stage depot." "Are you ready, Mr. Paladin?" "Oh." "I forgot to thank Mr. Taylor." "I was thinking only last night of how kind you were to me." "Good-bye." "Um, don't mention it." "Fact is, you went out of your way a lot of times for me, too." "Well, come along, Lydia;" "we'll be late." "Uh, Lydia, I... guess I should ought to say I'm sorry if I said anything." "You simply don't want to be tied down." "A lot of bachelors feel that way." "I've learned to understand things like that." "Um, uh, L-Lydia... you sure you got a proper place to go?" "I mean, if I'm hurting you too much..." "No." "I'm leaving for San Francisco with Mr. Paladin." "Now, I don't like the sound of that at all!" "Well, I think... what Miss Moss meant was that she's going as far as the San Francisco stage with me." "No." "No." "I didn't mean that at all." "Well, now, if this is somebody's idea of a joke..." "Oh, I assure you, I am not joking." "Now, looky here," "Lydia, I happen to know some things about this Paladin." "She's changed, Clyde." "He's done more than just put her in a new dress." "I might've guessed what was going on in there." " Oh!" " No!" "No, no." "Oh, but I love him!" "N-No, you don't." "Listen, a woman like you's gotta... gotta marry a man to love him." "Don't you see?" "You've got to have a-a house, and a kitchen, and-and maybe children, and-and..." "Now you've done it!" "And you'd be a fool to charge me again." "Paladin!" "Why don't you just take this money and get, Mr. Paladin?" "Unless you want what I got in this hand instead." "You can take my things off the carriage." "Mr. Paladin will be leaving alone." "And I think I'm being pretty decent, considering as how I worked things out for myself." "Well, I think your fiancée might agree that this money was fairly earned." "Maybe you just should have stayed in San Francisco, and not butted in at all." "Now, that kind of remark calls for a very special kind of an answer, and I wish I could think of it." "Thaddeus." "If you're gonna track mud in, you're gonna sweep it out, too... dear." "Hmm!" "Now I feel better." ""Whom God hath joined together, let no man put asunder."" "Thaddeus." "Hmph!" ""Have gun will travel," reads the card of a man" "A knight without armor in a savage land" "His fast gun for hire heeds the calling wind" "Paladin, Paladin, where do you roam?"