"Oh, yes." "Do your deeds." "All right." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, it's working now." "I found it." "This is the place." "Are you sure this time?" "Yes, I'm sure." "You'll get a good week's rest." "He's been cooped up down in that basement for a couple days now, mixing these chemicals and stuff." "I don't..." "I don't know." "Now dear, I'm sure he knows what he's doing." "Oh, my beautiful." "I just think, are there any benefits to mankind that his fungus could end up doing?" "Silas!" "Silas, are you all right?" "I'm fine." "Just fine." "Wait just a minute." "Your mother has a surprise for you." "Just fine." "He'll have a wonderful time." "Oh, that is just perfect." "Oh, now this will never do." "Oh, no." "I..." "Hello." "Hello, is this Mountain Hideaway?" "Um, yes." "Yes, this is Mountain Hideaway." "How may I help you?" "I'm very sorry, there's just a bit of a distraction." "What... how can I help you?" "Do you have any openings for this week?" "I know it's short notice." "Well, actually, yes, we do." "We have two rooms left." "Well, that sounds nice." "My son would love to stay for the week." "He's a brilliant scientist, you know." "Hm, that's interesting." "My son is more of an agricultural scientist." "Oh, well... well, that's very nice." "So will you be paying by cash, check, or credit card?" "Hm, we'll pay by check, if that's all right." "Oh, no, certainly." "That's fine." "You know, I don't think he'll be able to arrive for a few hours." "Is that going to be a problem?" "Oh, no." "No, no, no problem at all." "Actually, our other guest is going to be arriving any minute now." "Yeah, Doc." "Yeah, I know." "I know I need to keep taking my pills." "I understand that." "Yeah, I know." "I know not to get angry." "I know." "I won't get angry, Doc." "OK." "All right, look, I just thought it would be nice to get away, go to a nice little place for a little rest and relaxation, you know." "OK." "All right, thanks, Doc." "OK, talk to you later." "Bye." "Welcome to Mountain Hideaway, the last place you'll ever stay." "Huh?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Silly me." "I meant to say the best place you'll ever stay... to relax, that is." "Well, silly, come on in." "Nice place you have here." "It seems like a nice place to relax." "You know, being out on the road with the boys is one thing." "But just having a place to come up and relax and do nothing is pretty nice." "Well, thank you very much." "I like to think of this as a nice alternative place where people can get together and give it to each other." "What?" "I'm sorry." "Did that come out the wrong way?" "I don't know what's gotten into me." "I meant to say I'd like to think of this as a nice, relaxing place where people can all be together and just be in harmony with Mother Nature and each other." "OK." "So you're a wrestler?" "Yes, I am." "Actually, I was doing pretty well." "Just needed a little break." "That's why I'm here." "Hm." "Yes, uh, wrestling does seem like it's a tough profession..." "Men in tights, sweating and grunting and... and all that." "Well now, you know it is a multimillion dollar industry." "With men in tights." "Makes me popular as a movie star, babe." "What kind of movies would feature half naked men grunting, sweating, rolling around with each other?" "You know what, this is pretty serious stuff." "And if you don't know what you're doing, you can get yourself pretty hurt." "Trust me." "Oh, I'm sure wrestling is dangerous." "Pish posh." "I can do these moves all by myself." "Oh." "What... what is it?" "You all right?" "I, uh, I sometimes get images." "I'm sorry." "Never mind." "Why don't we just take a look at the house?" "And this is the living room." "And this is the bathroom." "Wait a minute." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I don't allow drugs in here." "No, no, no." "You've got it all wrong." "These aren't the kind of drugs you're thinking about." "My... my doctor prescribed these." "It... it's to help my condition." "And what condition is that?" "Um, spontaneous combustion." "Ah-ha." "Well, let me show you to your room." "And this will be your room." "Please enjoy your stay." "Breakfast will be served at 8:30." "Thank you." "All right, see what we've got here." "Just unpack a few things." "Got my prize possession, baby." "Oh, there you are." "Come here, you." "Yeah." "Put that one there." "I'll put this guy right about there." "Look at me while I'm sleeping." "There you go." "Yeah, baby." "All right." "Throwing a gas on a match." "The less said, the better." "Get out of the '70s." "Pathetic." "Condominium, shopping mall, parking lot, parking lot... oh, yeah, lots and lots of real estate." "Now if I can only get that incense sniffing, broccoli eating bitch to sign on the dotted line," "I'd have that property." "Would you like some more broccoli and cheese, Mr. Tight Ass?" "Um, actually, it's Titus." "But I'll tell you what, why don't you just call me Tony." "And, uh, no thank you." "Actually, the incense is making me lose my appetite a little bit." "I guess you can kind of say I'm, uh... well, I guess you can say I'm incensed." "Right." "Um, do all of you wrestlers have such a bad sense of humor?" "Well, what have we here?" "Well..." "Afternoon, Missy." "My name's Jackson P. Jackson." "Oh, very nice to me you." "So what does the P stand for?" "Pissed off right now because I can't find a room for rent." "Got one?" "Well, as a matter of fact, yes." "The long corn room is still available." "It has a wonderful musky aroma reminiscent of..." "Yeah, yeah." "Look, I ain't looking for a history of the prairie." "Just give me a freaking room, all right?" "What did you say your name was, Gail Moon?" "Jade Moon." "Well, yes, you just need to know that this is a place where you can relax and unwind, just away from it all." "So just calm down, relax, and picture your stress just floating away, like smoke from incense." "Man, it's getting warm in here." "Hey, you look like a smart boy." "You own a house." "Well, no, but I'm kind of thinking about getting one." "Do they build houses without heating systems?" "Actually, I do know quite a bit about housing." "I am a multimillion dollar real estate agent." "Ca-ching." "Why did you say that?" "Say what?" "Ca-ching." "I sell houses." "That's my middle name..." "Ca-ching." "But I thought your middle name was pissed off." "Not for long." "Hello, Roger?" "Yes, it's Jean." "Roger, thank you so much for allowing me to have your cell phone number." "I have a problem." "I really need your help." "Yes, it's carpenter ants." "No, not like last time." "Well, yes, if you can." "I need you to come to the house, and I need you to put down some ecologically friendly poisons around the outside of the house." "Do you think you could do that for me, Roger?" "Oh, wonderful." "Thank you so much." "When do you think you can be here?" "My, that's quick." "Well, Roger, you are a dear friend." "Did you hear that?" "Oh, no." "Oh, no." "Goodness, my, bless the goddess of the sky." "What on earth happened here?" "Oh, sorry." "I guess I dropped my scientific experiment..." "I mean my hobby." "Well, we'd better get this cleaned up so it doesn't kill any of my plants." "You must be Professor Purcell." "What gave it away, the lab coat?" "Why don't you come on inn and put your things down?" "I'll show you to the room, and you can relax." "What's that?" "It's called a beer, man?" "Beer?" "Jeez is this guy for real?" "What's this beer for?" "Here you go, man." "Just drink it." "I'm not going to drink something that you just handed me." "I don't even know you." "But we're all guests here." "You can relax a little." "Well, other students were drinking this while I was getting my doctorate." "I guess one won't hurt." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Slow up there, buddy." "We got plenty where that came from, and the night is still young." "One" "Well, that was enough for me." "I'm ready to head home and continue my work." "Don't be silly." "You just got here." "There's plenty more excitement this week." "Hey, guy, wake up." "You're not in your lab now." "Come on, leave your experiments behind for a week." "Lab?" "Experiments?" "Yes." "Hm, yes, yes." "I do believe there's more I can do." "Well, we've certainly gotten off to a great start." "Let's say we clear that alcohol out with a nice stroll down the road." "Ah, fresh air, not as good as the circulated mall air, but it will do." "Yes." "That's Roger's truck." "Well, that's odd." "I don't see him anywhere." "Oh, look at this." "And here we have a beautiful fine caterpillar." "Look at that." "And how are we today, Mr. Caterpillar?" "Is she always like this?" "Whoa." "Where's your troop, private?" "I... you..." "I beg your pardon." "You're on my property, sir." "I don't recognize you from the other squad." "Where did he come from, Operation Forest Storm?" "I should carve you another chin for saying that." "What are you doing here?" "I'm in the middle of a TV reality show, "Last Man."" ""Standing," a military survivalist show that we vote the weakest connection off of the military file council." "Uh, this is just perfect." "Not on my property without my permission." "This is my earth, and I don't care what some reality show participant..." "Shut your trap, lady." "Hey, don't pressure the little lady." "I'll do a half Nelson on your punk ass." "I've got a game to win, and I'm not letting anybody get in my way." "With an attitude like that, I would have voted him off first." "What's your name, soldier?" "Wang." "That's no surprise." "What's your rank?" "Major." "Major Wang... name fits you like a glove, man." "So what's the prize?" "500 G's... more money than I'll ever see." "Are you getting this?" "Well, that price sucks." "Hey, there's nothing I wouldn't do to win this game." "I've already beaten up a 62-year-old competitor, stolen the panties from a young private and blamed it on someone else, and I started a rumor to break up an alliance." "It makes for really good TV." "When you reach my rank, you give 100%." "Yeah, with a name like Wang, I'd imagine you'd get 100%." "Shut your word hole, Private." "I don't see you fighting for the United States of America." "Um, shouldn't someone go and see what's happening?" "Why don't you go?" "Because I'm trying to take it easy, damn it." "I'm on vacation." "That's a good enough reason for me to stay." "Well, maybe this is part of the show." "I mean, is there anything that these reality TV shows wouldn't do?" "Yo, guys, this may be for real." "Death is real." "That's a downer." "Well, we must help that poor man." "After all, he is one of nature's creatures, too." "Something's coming." "Whoa." "My god." "I think he's in shock." "Someone's going to break that glass one of these days." "Hey, Missy, nice day to chop wood, huh?" "Has to get done." "Yep, lot of wood around here to cut." "I only take that which the forest will reclaim." "I do not destroy living things." "Yeah, sure, whatever." "Hey, you know, though, in order to make other living things grow and prosper, some old living things should be, you know, moved aside." "I don't follow you." "Like, for a family, for instance." "They get bigger." "They need a house." "They raise a family." "They need a place to live." "There's plenty of houses out in the city." "You know what they say about cities..." "Overcrowded, overheated, not like the suburbs, not like new, untapped areas." "Mr. Jackson..." "Jackson, please, just Jackson." "Jackson, if you're trying to convince me that selling this property will bring me any benefit, don't bother." "Better men have tried." "Hey now, don't get me wrong." "I don't want to convince you to sell." "You don't?" "No." "I want you to convince yourself." "I mean, look at this property... immense, tree-covered." "Why, think of the revenues alone in taxes from shopping malls and restaurants." "Hey, look out Mall of America, here becomes mall of the woods." "You're pathetic." "You don't even know that's in these woods." "Well, it just so happens I do." "You spoke of better men than me." "Who do you think trained them?" "It was me, sweetheart." "And don't think I don't know my way around here." "I've been watching the hills and valleys for years." "I know them just as well as you, and some trails you've never heard of." "Quick access roads down the mountain, I know about them." "Yep, I know them all." "I could be out of here in five minutes if I need to be." "Believe me, I've had information on you for years, a file, if you believe it." "A file?" "That's right." "Your parents, your grandparents..." "You don't think you're the first one we approached, do you?" "Come on, don't be so naive." "This little property of yours is going to fall, sweetheart." "Mark my words, one of these days, I'm going to collect." "Jackson, believe me when I say, Mother Nature collects on all of us." "Did he just scream?" "Everyone screams for ice cream." "Any change?" "No." "He's just been sitting there until about a minute ago." "I learned something I won't tell." "What's his problem?" "I don't know." "I've been trying to ignore him." "Maybe he wants to watch TV." "Why don't you put in the tape?" "Good idea." "But maybe we should get some of the blood of this tape first." "Well, it's day 28, and these lazy kids are really getting on my nerves." "Sometimes you've got to be mean to get what you want." "And I know those four broads are planning on voting me out next." "So I've taken a preemptive strike." "See these?" "All gone." "So I know they won't be making [INAUDIBLE] at 0500." "Instant disqualification." "The Wang will hand around another day." "Brilliant." "Wonderful." "Silas, what are you talking about?" "Oh, you'll see." "See what?" "It's nothing more than an unedited TV show, not like wrestling." "Now that's entertainment." "Don't be stupid." "This is probably one of those reality game show ploys." "I mean, come on, they're probably filming us right now." "You know, this is ridiculous." "I'm sorry, but I've never even heard of this show, let alone know that they've been filming out here." "You're all going to crack." "What is he talking about?" "Man, he's really starting to weird me out." "Do you want me to put a sleeper on him?" "Just give me five minutes with him." "I don't think that will be necessary, Titus..." "I mean Tony." "You know, I think we all need some nourishment." "Why don't you let me whip up something real quick." "See, look how lovely." "Why don't we make these up?" "They're beauties, aren't they?" "Mm, mm." "It's them!" "It's them!" "It's them." "It's them!" "They're the ones that killed Bruce." "Hey, what's wrong with you, man?" "You want something?" "You want something with me?" "How about I try my new maneuver on you, Captain Dick." "You know, if you didn't like mushrooms, you could have just said so." "I think his name is Major Wang." "I don't give a rat's ass what his name is." "You don't understand." "I saw them..." "I saw them kill Bruce." "Who the hell is Bruce?" "The cameraman who was filming me, the TV reality show." "Who killed him?" "Who killed Bruce?" "They did." "Man, this is too much drama." "I'm out of here." "Damn." "You are a big sucker." "Come here, little guy." "Oh, man." "What's the matter, dropped your beer?" "No." "Army boy was right." "What?" "They're taping us?" "No, you moron." "It's the mushroom." "It tried to kill me." "Tony, mushrooms don't kill people." "People kill people." "Oh, yeah?" "How about telling that to the thing that did this?" "Wow." "This is going to lower the property values in this area." "Well, tried to tell you." "This is absurd." "I am telling you, nothing is going on out there." "Why don't you go out on the path in your own yard, miss know it all?" "This just can't be happening." "Nature is not this cruel." "Well, what do you call this, lady, a walk in the park?" "This is some vacation." "What we need to do is just relax." "You won't be able to relax." "Oh, this thing itches." "What the hell are you doing?" "Hey, what are you doing?" "Shut up." "I know what I'm doing." "This... this just cannot be happening." "I have lived here for 12 years." "My parents, my grandparents, they owned this land as well, and nothing like this has ever happened." "Now everybody, just... just calm down, relax, take a shower, read a book." "Just relax." "And keep it up." "Good firm grip, not too tight, just a nice, firm grip on there." "See, where I work, we like to swing chairs." "It's a little different." "Hey, you got my finger on that one." "Yeah." "Well, it certainly is nice to see you up and about and feeling better and releasing some of that pent-up aggression, too." "Thanks." "I am feeling better." "And about earlier, I'm sorry." "That's all right." "You've had a tough day." "Well, it looks like you're quite the studied martial artist." "Well, in the Marines, we have to be trained in hand to hand combat and sword fighting." "So I've been studying for over 20 years." "Wow, that's impressive." "Maybe you can show me some moves." "Sure, I'd be delighted." "But I wouldn't think a girl like you would need any protection up in a place like this." "Hey, a girl can never be too careful." "Besides, why don't you come in for some lemonade." "It looks like there's a pretty nasty storm brewing." "Sounds good." "Thank you, ma'am." "This is much better than being in a fox hole." "And here you'll have more than one buddy with you." "One more crack like that and I'll slit you from gut to gullet." "I think I agree with you on this one." "Why don't we just bury him somewhere?" "Yeah, like someplace dark and moist." "What is it with you?" "You've been an asshole for some time now." "Maybe I should teach you some manners." "You've already done your teaching." "Enough with the drama already, Silas." "What are you talking about?" "I wanted to give a gift, a gift that no other creature has on this planet but us." "Say again." "The gift of learning." "If I could get them to listen, to think, they could grow better and faster than ever before." "Get who to learn?" "Are you talking about your research?" "It's much more than research." "You can say it's fatherhood." "What the hell was that?" "Stay here." "I'll check it out." "Jane, you've got mushrooms outside." "How did this happen?" "I know how." "I know how." "I know how and I won't tell." "You're dead, civilian." "Come to me!" "Come to me!" "Come to me, your master!" "All right." "Oh, I got you that time." "Oh." "Ah." "No, I don't have any Queens." "Go fish." ""And deep in the woods on the old compost heap, the little mushroom lived happily every after."" "He's crazy." "I say we kill him." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Cool it, Wang." "Not until I get a piece of him first." "You don't understand, but I do now." "You see, they learn." "They absorb the knowledge that the host had." "It's not just feeding." "It's being and learning." "Man, I can't believe I thought coming up here would actually relax me." "You know what, you're all nuts." "Well, you know, we never had a mushroom problem before." "Well, if it bothers you, why don't you leave?" "I'll tell you why." "Well, because I paid in full, that's why." "Well, then, why don't you go look outside?" "Don't be absurd." "That's how people get scared in horror movies." "Well, fine." "Why don't you go out the front door?" "All right." "Not a good idea." "What was out there?" "I say we waste this idiot." "I'm not leaving my house when..." "What was that?" "I don't know, but it's really starting to piss me off." "Jesus." "Where are my pill?" "Get out of my way." "Oh, yes." "It's all coming true." "Don't you understand?" "The cameraman, he knew the Major." "And Roger." "That's it." "He must have gotten him, too." "I mean, why else would his truck be parked outside, yet he's nowhere to be found?" "He knew this house like the back of his hand." "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "What in the..." "Knock it off." "It's only a mushroom." "Are you all right?" "Where were you?" "I was in the can." "Did I miss anything?" "Oh my god, they're everywhere." "I'm just here, drinking my beer." "Well, hi, little fella." "And what are you doing here all the way in the woods?" "You come to give an old camper some company?" "Well, come on." "Come here." "Come here." "It's OK." "Come on." "Come here." "Yeah, I see a cute little thing." "Come here." "Hey, handsome." "Looking for a good time?" "How did that thing know how to fight me?" "Don't you see?" "When it bit you, it absorbed your blood and your knowledge." "That's it." "I get it." "The mushroom, when it bit Titus, it absorbed his knowledge and replicated it." "It became a fighter, just like Titus." "They are amazing creatures." "Is that what your formula does?" "That and more, it seems." "What the..." "Oh, don't be ridiculous." "What the hell?" "It looks like they took out the power." "They can do that?" "Hang on." "The generator will kick in any minute." "All right." "I'll get it." "Need my help navigating in the dark?" "No, thanks." "I know the place like the back of my hand." "Ow." "Ow." "That is enough of this." "Somebody's got to take care of things around here." "Don't be absurd." "There's too many of them out there, and they're all over the place." "Well, guess what, you all can sit here and let them tear you apart." "If I'm going down, I'm taking a whole lot of them bastards with me." "You son of a bitch." "You did this, didn't you?" "It was the formula." "My experiments were a failure." "For years I struggled, saving money working in my parents' basement, developing my formula." "I wanted a chemical that could be used to control creatures, rewriting their DNA." "When I arrived here, however, it was by faith that the mushrooms were the first subjects." "You know, I almost choked on a mushroom once." "It was, uh, during a match in my tour in Japan." "The other Marines put mushrooms in my boots at boot camp." "It scared me when I put my boots on." "I, uh, went to a restaurant one time that didn't serve mushrooms." "You know, I planned to sell a mushroom farm once, but nobody wanted to buy it." "I can't believe we're just stuck here." "We've got to do something." "Does anybody know anything about mushrooms?" "Mushrooms and fungi recycle dead organic material into useful nutrients." "Well, there's plenty of dead material in the forest." "Yes, but in some cases, the fungus won't wait for the matter to die." "The fungus becomes a parasite, feeding off another being or host." "This would explain why they're trying to get in here." "But why do there seem to be more and more of them?" "They reproduce by releasing spores from their bodies." "They get into the air, are carried out by the wind to start a new generation of fungus... 10,000 species in North America alone." "Maybe we can eat them." "Don't be an idiot." "How would we cook them?" "No, it's a possibility." "There are over 250 edible variations of mushrooms." "That fucker took a bite out of me." "Maybe turnabout is fair play." "But many others can be deadly if ingested." "Yeah, but those bastards sure are deadly." "My god, if they reproduce by sending their spores in the wind, and where the spores land on people, they'll be everywhere." "We have to figure out their weaknesses." "They grow by a combination of day length, heat, and humidity." "And they digest food outside of their bodies." "Maybe this is a key." "We need to somehow block the digestion process." "So listen up, people." "We only have a few hours till dawn." "When the sun's up, we're out of here." "Major Wang is right." "We have to hold down here for now." "If we can keep the house sealed up until morning, we can escape then." "Let's get to it." "And fast." "Everyone up." "Oh, man, I don't do anything unless I've had my coffee." "Don't start with me." "There's no time to waste." "Let's go." "Look, I'm sorry." "I'm not doing anything until I get the daily real estate section." "That's it." "We have to get out of here." "That won't do any good." "I have had enough of this." "Let's kick some fung-ass." "I'll go first." "I'll cover you, one at a time." "I told you." "I told you." "It's too late." "Don't you see?" "They've learned all that you've learned." "Let's go." "Wait a minute." "What's this?" "I have an idea." "Did you see that?" "What?" "The... the vinegar." "Apple cider?" "No, balsamic." "That's it." "Of course, they'd have an aversion to that." "Looks like it killed them all." "We have to get more." "Is there any stores around here?" "Not for miles." "We're doomed." "No, don't say that." "I have a barrel of balsamic vinegar in my basement." "You have a barrel of balsamic vinegar in your basement?" "It's one of my hobbies." "OK, don't tell me any more about your hobbies." "Whatever." "Let's just get back to the cabin." "Would you people make up you minds?" "There's too many of them." "I'll hold them off." "You guys go." "But you'll..." "I know what I'm doing." "Just go." "Man." "Well, this is our only hope." "I mean, I don't know if the barrel will kill all of them." "But we don't know how far this thing has spread." "Well, if we can cap the barrel, light it, and it will build up pressure, it will explode and spread to them all." "I sure hope so." "Let's go." "Hurry." "Hey, what happened to..." "It's in here." "We'll need to get the barrel out." "I have a fuse." "We'll light it from here." "Let's do it." "You know, I really feel guilty about this." "I mean, this book does our experience absolutely no justice." "Hey, I don't give a damn." "It's better than my military pension." "This is true." "Would you sign this?" "I..." "I can't believe the experience that you lived through." "I don't know how you lived to write about it, how you could stand to write about it." "Well, it was very difficult." "And some people laugh at us because we fought mushrooms." "But hey, we lost a lot of friends that day." "Yeah, but we prevailed." "Could you sign the cover?" "Certainly." "An apple a day, will keep everyone away." "What's this beer for?" "You drink it." "You didn't say your line." "You're sitting there snickering." "Was I supposed to say..." "Was I supposed to say something?" "Yes." "I thought that was my my line." "And action." "Oh, sorry." "I guess I dropped my scientific experiment..." "I mean, my hobby." "Sorry." "Creatures." "Is that what your fan formula..." "Well, yeah." "Line." "Now where the hell is my Evian and green Mamp;" "Ms?" "This is fucking great." "Well, I'll eat it." "All right, let's try it again." "Come forward." "I don't even know where things are." "How about we go through it again?" "Spit it out." "Spit it out." "Spit it out." "Spit it out." "I don't know if I'll be able to finish this." "Now shut that off." "OK." "So you're a wrestler?" "Yes, I am." "Actually, I was doing pretty well." "Just needed a little break." "That's why I'm here." "Hm." "Yes, uh, wrestling does seem like it's a tough profession..." "Men in tights, sweating, and grunting and... and all that." "Well, you know, it is a multimillion dollar industry." "With men in tights." "Makes me popular as a movie star, babe." "What kind of movies would feature half naked men grunting, sweating, rolling around with each other?" "You know what, this is pretty serious stuff." "And if you don't know what you're doing, you can get yourself pretty hurt." "Trust me." "Oh, I'm sure wrestling is dangerous." "Pish posh." "I can do these moves all by myself." "Oh, you think so, huh?" "OK then." "Mm." "Always get caught with the left." "Damn." "Silly me." "I'm so sorry." "Did I forget to tell you that I was on the girls' wrestling and boxing teams in high school?" "Um, yeah." "Yeah, you must have." "Oh." "Oh." "What... what is it?" "You all right?" "I, uh, I sometimes get images." "I'm sorry." "Mark my words." "One of these days, I'm going to collect." "I've got a game to win." "I'm not letting anybody get in my way." "These aren't the kind of drugs you're thinking about." "My... my doctor prescribed these." "It's to help my condition." "This just can't be happening." "Nature is not this cruel." "You won't be able to relax." "Believe me when I say, Mother Nature collects on all of us."