"NARRATOR:" "Erstwhile on Fargo..." "DONNY:" "You going by the autopsy later?" "GLORIA:" "They glued his nose and mouth shut." "Are we thinking cause of death is somehow a cliffhanger?" "DONNY:" "Is that the box you took from Ennis'?" "GLORIA:" "Uh-huh." "DONNY:" "So, you figure this Thaddeus Mobley fella had something to do with the murder?" "GLORIA:" "I should say so, seeing as how Ennis Stussy and this Thaddeus Mobley are one and the same." "I know he wasn't from around here." "It's kind of, to be honest, a mystery." "Ennis moved to Eden Valley in 1980." "But I think he may have changed his name before he moved here." "Did you ever hear of Thaddeus Mobley out of Los Angeles?" "No, I'm afraid not." "(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)" "Hi, uh, could I get a..." "Joachim." "(ORDERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)" "One cube." "And, uh, whatever this big swinging dick over here is drinking." "Oh, no, that's..." "I just wanted a cream soda." "I'm not much of a drinker, in point of fact." "Ah." "Well, maybe that's why you are the award-winning writer." "Saving some of those brain cells for the page." "How about a nice cream soda for my new amigo Thaddeus over here?" "Do you prefer "Thaddeus", or, uh..." "Uh, Tad." "Thanks." "But how'd you know my name?" "_" "You are the cheddar, kid." "Get used to it." "Wait, the what?" "You know, you're the cheddar." "The cheese." "Howard Zimmerman." "Producer." "Oh." "So, let me ask you, you ever think about turning that..." "That book of yours into a movie?" ""The Planet Wyh."" "Bob Redford is the robot." "Hold the phone." "You're saying you wanna turn my book into a movie?" "Uh, no, bubeleh." "I'm saying I want you to turn your book into a major motion picture." "(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)" "(SNORTS)" "Colossal." "Mr. Zimmerman!" "Mr. Mobley!" "Hold up the dingus for me and say "UFO"!" "Hey, kid." "Over here." "Ah." "You like?" "Yeah." "Doll!" "Come back." "I want you to meet somebody." "Hi." "I'm..." "This is the genius I was telling you about." "You're killing me, Howie." "Can we go eat already?" "All right, sure." "Just give me a sec, sweetie." "Sit down." "So, how's my screenplay coming along?" "Oh, um, you know, it's..." "It's pretty good, actually." "I just..." "I thought I would be here maybe a week or two, you know." "And the motel's getting pretty expensive." "Relax, kid." "I got you covered, totally." "Just make sure you keep all your receipts." "Mr. Beatty for you, sir." "Warren!" "Mi amigo, mi compadre." "Yeah." "All right, don't tell me." "Let me guess." "You read it, you loved it." "Am I lying?" "(LAUGHING) No, no, I know." "It's dynamite, isn't it?" "They call it a "space opera," if you can believe that." "Mmm-hmm." "Yeah." "No, the kid is banging out the screenplay now as we speak." "So, listen, is Yablans gonna let you out?" "Oh, Christ." "No, no, no." "I understand." "No, it's fine." "Next time, bubeleh, next time, right?" "For sure." "Right." "Bye." "What happened?" "Beatty's under contract at Paramount." "Short of us greasing a few palms, so to speak, he's not going anywhere." "You mean bribes?" "Jesus, keep your voice down, would you?" "Look, it's just tit for tat out here." "That's how business is done." "Now, look, you know that I'm no Mother Teresa, but after divorce number three, this tit is pretty tapped out." "We're gonna have to find," "I don't know, some other avenue." "(SIGHS)" "(CHUCKLES)" "Well, you know, I do have a book advance." "How much money are we talking about?" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "(SNORTS)" "It makes the sex amazing." "(SNIFFS)" "Ah." "_" "(ENGINES WHIRRING)" "(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)" "(CRASHES)" "Minsky." "I can help." "I'm dying." "I need... (COUGHS)" "(COUGHS)" "No." "It's too late for me." "You must find a way to get word back." "(COUGHS)" "Let them know, it wasn't all... for nothing." "(EXHALES)" "I can help!" "GLORIA: "Get word back," the Captain had told him." "But how?" "Thus began the wander of the Android Minsky." "He was a prototype, singular in his design, created to observe and record, his programming not yet complete." "A child, in other words." "(INTERCOM DINGS)" "PILOT: (OVER INTERCOM) Folks, we've begun our descent to Los Angeles, where the current weather is a beautiful 72 degrees." "(SIGHS) (INTERCOM DINGS)" "Is that a typo?" "Sorry?" "The "why" is spelled wrong." "It's a kind of make-believe." "Oh." "Good?" "Oh, there's a robot, I guess." "And he's wandering, looking for, uh..." "I'm not sure, the meaning of life, I guess." "Oh." "That." "Yeah." "I know how he feels." "This is my sixth flight this week." " Isn't it Tuesday?" " (LAUGHS)" "Yeah." "You know, in the beginning, we swam, then we crawled, then walked, then ran, and now..." "(COUNTRY SONG PLAYING)" "_" "(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)" "_" "_" "_" "(SPEAKING KOREAN)" "(BELL RINGS TO THE TUNE OF A CHRISTMAS CAROL)" " Hi!" "Merry Christmas!" " Hi." "Are you here for the convention of Santa Claus?" "Why do you..." "No." "I'm not." "By the hour then, or..." " What?" " Nothing." "Um, single room, one night?" "I'm not sure how long I'll be here." "Uh, room 203." "Very nice room." "Very nice." "It's got air conditioning." "You can smell the ocean." "There's a view?" "No." "There's a smell." "At low tide." "Oh." "What the heck?" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Red Honda." "I got the plate number." "Yeah, that'll help." "So, what'd he look like, the, uh, bag thief?" "Kinda older white male, 5'9"." "Uh, green pants." "Green, what do you..." "Elf pants." "They're having a Santa conference." "Not sure why they chose here." "Any valuables in the bag?" "Not really." "Mostly flannel." " Think I'll get it back?" " (CLICKS TONGUE)" "I wouldn't hold your breath." "Hey, while I got you, I got some info I need run." "Oh, yeah, we don't do that." "Sorry, I should've clarified." "I'm law enforcement also," " up Minnesota." " (LAUGHS)" "(IMITATING ACCENT) Minnesota?" "Exactly." "Eden Valley." "I'm Chief." "Or I was Chief." "Or, no, I still am." "Anyway..." "I thought in the spirit of inter-collegial understanding..." "See, I'm in town looking into a homicide, and the victim spent some time here, back in the '70s." "Right." "Okay, I'll tell you what." "The plate number checks out, I'll come find you." "Maybe even bring that suitcase." " Hi, Mom." " Hey, sport." "How's your dad's place?" "Uh, good." "Dale got me an Xbox." "Wow." "That was gonna be your Christmas present." "I know." "But he said sometimes it's good to have an everyday present." "Haven't heard that one." "I'll have to tell Santa to take it off the list." "Mom, there's no such thing as Santa." "There's not?" "I can see about nine of 'em from my window right at this very..." "Mom..." "Eat your vegetables, okay?" "Okay." "Where are you again?" "I'm in Hollywood, California." "Trying to figure out what happened to your grandfather." "But he wasn't even really my grandfather, they said." "Just married to Grandma for a while." "Well, he was something to somebody." "No games till your homework's done, promise?" "Promise." "Okay, then." "Love you." "Put Donny on." "Okay." "Bye, Mom." "Hey, Chief." "Town still there?" "How do you mean?" "Oh, Chief, new chief's real angry." "Said you didn't have permission to go." "Said county's not gonna pay for the trip." "I never asked 'em to." "Well, he wants you to come back." "(SIGHS)" "Found the motel from the photo." "Got a lead on this actress, I think, Vivian Lord." "Her whereabouts." "Wow." "So, what do you want me to tell the new chief?" "Tell him I saw the ocean and it was wet." "I don't know." "(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)" "That all, hon?" "Actually, I'm looking for Vivian." "Hey!" "Viv!" " Ms. Lord?" " Mmm-hmm." "I'm Chief Burgle." "Gloria." "With the Eden Valley Police, up Minnesota." "Okay if I ask you a few questions?" "Never been to Minnesota." "No, I know, it's not about..." "This won't take long." "Did you know a fella, Thaddeus Mobley, a writer?" "Would've been about 35 or so years ago, here in Los Angeles." "No, it's not a very clear time for me." "Which?" "The '70s." "But you knew him?" "Uh." "He had this in his..." "In a box, so I'm thinking you must've known him pretty well." "(LAUGHING) Honey, you know how many walls I'm on in this town?" "Uh..." "Homicide's the thing, with him the victim." "So, it matters." "Look, what's your name?" "Gloria." "Gloria." "I'm 29 years sober." " Long time." " Mmm." "Before that, I wasn't." "So, even if I knew this guy, it's basically nothing but a dream." "Is there anyone else I can talk to?" "I'm not a snitch." "No." "That's not..." "For information, I'm saying." "See, he was my stepdad." "Sort of, for a time." "And my son, not that that matters..." "A homicide is a homicide, but still, the personal angle." "(BELL DINGS)" "Hmm." "My order's up." "Sure." "Well, I'm at the Hollywood Premiere Motel." "If you change your mind, give me a call." "_" "GLORIA:" "Officer Hunt?" " Oh, hey." "Gloria, right?" " Yeah." "Yeah, pop a squat." "Can I get two beers?" " You want two beers?" " Um..." "Think I'll just have a diet pop." "(LAUGHING)" "(IMITATING ACCENT) "Diet pop."" " You're..." "You're too much." " (CHUCKLES)" "Hey, so after we talked, I tried, uh..." "I tried to friend you on Facebook." "I don't use that." "Really?" "You don't use Facebook?" "You're kidding me." "Everybody's on Facebook." "It's Facebook." "Could you stop saying "Facebook"?" "I got 352 friends." "Most of 'em I don't even know." "But..." "Oh, and this one time, I met this chick," " she was smoking hot." " Mmm." "Then she turned out to be a Nigerian man who wanted money." "But, uh..." "I live in a small town." "You gotta be on Facebook, though." "You know, 'cause it's like a small town." "Uh-huh." "Only online." "You know, so you check in, you can post photos." "You know, connect?" "Right?" "'Cause who has time for..." "Yeah." "I'll, uh, check that out." "Yeah!" "Yeah." "So, did you find anything?" "(SIGHS) Huh?" "About when I called before, asked you to look up that fella, Thaddeus Mobley, lived here in the 1970s?" "Right." "Yes." "No, of course." "Yeah, I..." "I checked on that." "Nothing came up." "So, he was, what?" "Like, your dad?" "Sorta." "You're a real chatterbox, huh?" "(LAUGHS)" "I can't get a word in edgewise with you." "Good thing you're so hot!" "Charm police?" "(LAUGHS) I got a major felon right here." "(CHUCKLES) I'm only teasing you, though." "(IMITATING ACCENT) You don't got teasing in Minnesota?" "I don't sound like that, do I?" "(SIGHS)" "I mean, yeah." "Look, uh, I'm just..." "I'm just kidding with you." "Can you relax?" "Maybe have a beer." "Ugh." "I gotta go drop the kids off at the pool." " You got kids?" " I gotta take a shit." "You again." "Six flights before Tuesday?" "Right." "What are the odds?" "I never asked." "(CHUCKLING)" " Paul Marrane." " Uh, Gloria Burgle." "Ah." "What do you do, Gloria?" "I'm in law enforcement." "Oh." " Like the police?" " Exactly." "I'm Chief in Eden Valley." "Or, was Chief." "(INHALES) We're being swallowed by the county, so hierarchy's a little unclear at present." "Oh." "Married or divorced?" "I'm sorry?" "Your finger." "You used to wear a ring." "Now you don't." "Divorced." "Or, not yet, but..." "Anyway..." "(CHUCKLES)" "Uh." "Before he goes off to war, a soldier gives his wife a bill of divorce." "He says, "Dear, this is your bill of divorce." "If I don't return within 12 months, it becomes effective from this moment onward."" "Meaning that, if he dies, they've been divorced the whole time he was gone." "If he returns, they were always married." "Huh." "That's like a..." "Ah, what do you..." "I'm my own grandpa." "(CHUCKLES)" "Which means, if you really think about it, for the entire year, she was married and divorced." "Well, we got a hearing next month, so, probably won't have to wait that long." "Ah." "Good." "All right, keep walking, dipshit." "This one's mine." "Uh, no." "That's not..." "We know each other." "(SIGHS) All right." "Look, I'm just gonna cut to the chase here, gorgeous." "Am I getting laid tonight or what?" "What." "Cool." "Thanks for the beer." "_" "GLORIA: "From small beginnings, big things arise,"" "thought the Android Minsky." ""Energy became matter, matter became life." "Bacteria to amoeba, amoeba to amphibian, amphibian to man." "Living and dying in numbers too large to calculate."" "Orphaned and alone, he traveled the Earth as centuries passed." "Millennia." "A being in search of meaning." "Each century, he would have to stop and recharge." "In those hours he was vulnerable to attack." "(GRUNTS) Hold him still!" " I can help!" " Watch him." "I can help!" "(DINGS)" "(WOMAN SIGHS)" "Hi." "(DINGING STOPS)" "I'm looking for information on a writer." "He would've worked here in the '70s." " Union?" " Uh, pardon?" "Was he in the union?" "I don't know." "He wrote books mostly." "The Writer's Guild doesn't represent book writers." "Well, that seems like an oversight." "Name?" "Uh, Gloria Burgle." " His name is Gloria..." " No." "Sorry." "That's my name." "He was Thaddeus Mobley." "Wait here." "_" "(AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYING)" "(KNOCKS ON DOOR)" "Howard, there's someone here to see you." "Gladys?" "No, Mr. Zimmerman, it's..." "I'm Gloria Burgle." "(MUMBLES)" "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?" "_" "_" "_" "I'm a police officer." "_" "_" "I had a few questions for you about a writer you worked with back in 1975." "Thaddeus Mobley." "_" "He wrote a script for you called The Planet Wyh, a science fiction film?" "And, well, he was the victim of some malfeasance recently, and I'm just trying to connect the dots here." "I know he was writing a movie for you, and then, I don't know, something happened." "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "Do I know about... _" "_" "(EXHALES)" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "And now?" "_" "_" "Excuse me." "Uh, I'm..." "Does anybody else visit Mr. Zimmerman?" "He mentioned a woman named Gladys." " She died." " Oh." "He's been here a long time, since the accident." "Say more about that." "I don't know." "It's before my time." "But what I heard is they thought he was gonna be a vegetable, he was messed up so bad." "Time for your bath." "GLORIA:" "Though his sensors recorded the data, the numbers had become meaningless." "From his remove, he watched civilizations rise and fall." "Hope became despair, became hope, became despair." "From time to time, the technology existed to send word back to his home world." "But by now, there was no one left to respond." "I can help!" "(EERIE MUSIC PLAYS)" "And then, one day, something happened." " (PEOPLE SCREAMING) - (LASERS FIRING)" "I can help!" "(EXHALES)" "_" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "(KNOCKS ON DOOR)" "Hey." "You should've called, baby." "I got company." "You got any coke?" "It's just, I got nothing." "They're gonna kick me out of the motel soon, and I just..." "Thaddeus, my boy." "(SPEAKING SPANISH) How are you?" "Why is he here?" "What..." "What are you..." "You're not gonna cry, are you?" "What?" "No!" "Of course he's not gonna cry." "Thaddeus is a big boy." "He's seen the world." "I want my money!" "Well, certainly." "Of course you do." "And, by rights, you should have it." "But I'm afraid the rather unfortunate fact of the matter is, it's all gone." "What..." "What?" "Told you he's crying." "I..." "I'm not crying." "Listen to me." "Bubee, relax." "I understand." "These are hard lessons." "But you know what?" "You're gonna thank us one day." "Us?" "What..." "I..." " I thought we were..." " What?" "In love?" "I used you, asshole." "Don't you get it?" "Harsh." "Too harsh, my love." "Let the boy down easy." "Can't you see he has a genuine fondness for you?" "You know, just shut up." "I..." "I need to think." "What?" "You need it in Braille?" "Nobody asked you to come here with your stupid face and your sad eyes." "Love." "You're a piggy bank." "You know what?" "Uh..." "I think it's probably best if you were to go." "I mean, she's obviously quite upset." "Don't touch me!" "(CRASHING)" "Kid, relax." "Come on." "It's fine." "I mean, you got played, that's all." "You're young." "Believe me, you're gonna get over it." "And you know what?" "The truth of the matter is, we did you a favor." "It's a hard, hard world out there." "You need to develop a tougher shell, my friend." "Jesus, Howie." "Just get rid of him already." " No!" " Kid." "No." " Kid." " No." "No!" "(CHOKING)" "(STRAINING)" "Everybody's got a role to play." "Yours is to cough up the cheddar and then screw." "You understand?" "I don't hear you." "Yes!" "(GASPING)" "(GROANS)" "(PANTING)" "(GRUNTS)" "(COUGHS)" "You see that?" "Turns out he's reasonable." "He's really a nice kid." "(GRUNTS)" " (GRUNTS) - (SMACKING)" "Stop!" "Ahh." " (GRUNTS) - (EXCLAIMS)" "(PANTING)" "(EXHALES)" "You're a bad person!" "I never saw him again." "So, that was the accident." "Zimmerman." "You conned him." "Did he..." "Do you think Zimmerman would have..." "Maybe he wanted revenge and he hired someone, or he..." "(EXHALES)" "No." "It's just a story." "None of this has anything to do with..." "Okay." "(SIGHS)" "He was right." "I am a bad person." "Yet he wasn't so good either." "(SIRENS WAILING IN THE DISTANCE)" "(SIRENS WAILING)" "(PANTING)" "Okay." "Um..." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Shit." "(GAGGING)" "(SIGHS)" "PILOT: (OVER INTERCOM) Okay, folks, in a few minutes, we'll be beginning our descent into Minneapolis-Saint Paul where the temperature is a balmy 23 degrees." "Unit M-N-S-K-Y." "I can help!" "We, the Federation of United Planets, want to honor you for your service." "We downloaded your data recorder and found that you have been functional for 2.38 million years." "We believe this makes you the oldest sentient being in the history of the universe." "You have seen the birth of planets, the death of worlds." "You have ridden on the tail of a comet, have journeyed to the heart of the sun." "Your data will help us decode the very fabric of the universe." "I can help!" "You have helped, my metal friend." "But now your service is complete." "It is time to shut yourself down." "I can help!" "Arby's?" "Okay." "You just appear every time a person says Arby's?" "Oh, are you guys going for Arby's?" "Maybe." "Hey, uh, Chief." "Old Chief..." "You gotta stop calling me that." "Sorry." "Just..." "Got a call on the radio." "They've pulled some prints from Ennis'." " Oh, yeah?" " Yeah." "Ran it through the..." "What do you..." "Database?" " Got a match." " You don't say." "Yeah." "Maurice LeFay." "Now, that don't sound Russian, but I showed his photo to Earl, and he was like," ""Yeah, that's our man," so, out of, uh, St. Cloud." "Well, now, what do you know." "We should maybe drive up there after Arby's." "Dead, apparently." "The..." "Who?" "Suspect." "LeFay." "Some kinda freak accident." "Air conditioner fell on him, just..." "(WHISTLES)" "(SMACKS HANDS TOGETHER) Like a pancake." "And him on parole for some pretty nasty stuff, too." "Not in front of the boy." " Mom, I'm old enough." " Not even close." "An air conditioner, in winter?" "That's what I thought." "Well, if he's dead, I don't suppose he's going anywhere." "Probably we should have a milkshake, maybe some curly fries, ponder all future moves." "We may solve this thing yet."