"Herr Kommandant!" "Colonel Hogan as requested." "Something on your mind, Commandant?" "Yes, there is something on my mind." "Okay, that'll be all, Schultz." "Jawohl." "Halt!" "Hogan, you are a prisoner here." "I will dismiss Sergeant Schultz." "Whatever you say-- it's your camp." "Sergeant Schultz, that will be all." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "( clears throat ):" "Schultz." "Heil!" "Heil." "Now, what's your problem?" "I think it is your problem, Hogan." "All right, let's split the difference and call it our problem." "Is that fair?" "I do not appreciate your humor." "Now, as ranking officer among the prisoners, it is up to you to maintain strict discipline." "Today at roll call, an incident happened that was absolutely shocking." "Really?" "Several of your men treated me with gross disrespect." "Now, I want those men to reveal themselves, and I want them to be punished... severely." "Disrespect?" "I can't believe that, sir." "The men have the greatest admiration for you." "You must be mistaken." "There is no mistake." "Now, I want you to find out who those men are." "What did they do?" "It isn't what they did." "It's a sound they made." "What kind of sound?" "Well, it was, uh... ( blows raspberry )" "You took offense at that?" "I certainly did." "Do you know what that sound is?" "That's a Bronx cheer." "It is?" "It's a sign of respect and admiration." "You should be very proud." "A Bronx cheer." "You've won their hearts, and it's their way of saying," ""Colonel Klink, you're a regular patsy."" "Patsy?" "Another way of saying you're a regular Joe." "Oh, I see." "( chuckles )" "Well, I don't know much about your American customs, but I must admit, it is a very unpleasant sound." "So is a 21-gun salute." "That's true." "Now, Hogan, I want to tell you..." "There's a new prisoner coming in today" "Corporal Walter Tillman, serial number 3-6-3-3-4-2- 2-2." "I'm sorry, sir, I just can't help it." "I'm a little sneaky." "That will be all." "Oh, uh, Commandant?" "Yes?" "( blows raspberry )" "Thank you, Hogan." "Thank you very much." "All right, fellas, knock it off." "Give me your attention." "I've got some news for you." "Don't tell me the ruddy war's over and we've got to leave this rest home." "No." "There's a new prisoner coming in today." "Mm, I hope he's French." "I'm dying to hear someone speak French again." "Hey, I'll help you out." "Uh, bonn jur, madam-ozel from Arrenteers." "From Arrenteers." "Listen, listen, he's an American." "His name is Corporal Walter Tillman." "I want a security alert until we find out more about him." "You think he might be a plant, Colonel?" "Not necessarily-- it's just the usual precaution." "Looks like they might be bringing him in now." "Let's have a look." "He ain't exactly a spring chicken, is he?" "That's the oldest-looking corporal I've ever seen." "Hey, what's after corporal in your army?" "For him?" "Social security." "How are you?" "I'm Newkirk." "( all talking ) SCHULTZ:" "Newkirk, go away." "Please don't make any trouble." "LeBeau, Carter, go away, go away." "Achtung!" "Make way for the commandant!" "So, this is the new prisoner, huh?" "Ha!" "Hogan, it looks as if the Americans have scraped the bottom of the manpower barrel." "I notice it took four men to bring him in." "Think of the trouble you're gonna have with the younger ones." "Silence!" "Corporal, I run this camp with an iron hand." "There has never been an escape, and all rules and regulations will be obeyed to an umlaut!" "Is that not so, Hogan?" "Anything you say, Colonel." "Let's have a cheer for the Commandant." "( blowing raspberries )" "Thank you, Colonel Hogan." "Come on, Pop, I'll show you where you sleep." "Here you are, Schultz." "You'll be losing your head next." "Jolly joker!" "Hm!" "That one's yours, Pop." "Okay, Hogan." "It's Colonel Hogan." "Yeah?" "Well, I'll remember that." "What outfit were you with, Pop?" "605th Engineers." "Attached to the 82nd Airborne." "And don't ask me any questions about baseball." "Any German spy knows more about it than I do." "You know how it is, Pop-- can't be too careful." "Yeah." "I know." "And knock it off with that "Pop" routine, will you?" "If that's the way you want it." "That's the way I want it." "Hey, look-- American cigarettes..." "Give me those!" "Uh... well, uh, it's the only pack I got." "Yeah, well, there's a war on." "Tillman, didn't your mother ever teach you anything about sharing?" "Maybe his mother doesn't know he smokes." "Well, maybe we should take his cigarettes away so his mother won't be unhappy." "Yeah, that's what we ought to do." "Well, don't start anything-- someone might get hurt." "What gave you that idea, Pop?" "Knock it off." "Go take a shower, Tillman." "What's with that guy?" "He's a bad apple, Colonel." "I'll bet you were right about him." "I'll bet you anything he's a spy." "And we know how to take care of Monsieur Spy." "I don't know." "Do you think he's all right, Colonel?" "No, he's all wrong." "No spy would start off by antagonizing everybody." "Well, I don't trust him." "Me, too." "Gentlemen, I don't think Corporal Tillman has the proper social qualifications for our group." "Not that I want to be a snob, mind you." "No." "Oh, no." "But I think for the good of all, we ought to have him shipped to another camp." "Yeah." "Oh, nothing to it." "Just put him in for a transfer, I suppose." "That's right, that's exactly how it's going to be done." "Hi, LeBeau." "Got a match?" "Mais oui, mon Colonel." "You soak the papers good?" "Did I soak the papers good?" "Can't you smell the gasoline?" "( gasping and yelling )" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "( all yelling )" "How did this fire start?" "It was an accident, sir." "I'm sorry." "It was an accident?" "Oh, Colonel, you know that wasn't an accident." "Quiet, Kinch!" "He doesn't know what he's talking about." "I think he does." "Kinch, what do you know about this fire?" "( like Schultz ):" "I know nothing, nothing." "See?" "I do not see." "We're going to discuss this in my office." "Now, I demand to know the man's name." "I cannot betray a fellow prisoner." "Ah, it's a prisoner." "Oops." "Is it one of the men who tried to put out the fire?" "No." "Is it someone whose barracks are on this side of the camp?" "Yes, and he's bigger than a bread box." "Is it..." "Oh." "Is it one of a group of prisoners who arrived last week?" "No, but you're on the right track." "Is it one of the new prisoners?" "Schultz!" "I'm running this interrogation." "Now, you stay out of it." "Let me think." "Is it one of the new prisoners?" "Yes." "Now we're getting somewhere." "New prisoner." "Barracks on this side." "That's it!" "That's it!" "It's the new prisoner." "The-The-The Alte!" "Schultz!" "Is that right?" "Is he the one?" "What's his name?" "Walter Tillman, Corporal." "That's the one." "You wormed it out of me." "I didn't tell you." "A couple of weeks in the cooler will teach this Tillman not to start fires." "Wrong, Commandant." "That won't cure him." "Tillman is a sick man." "He likes to start fires and watch them burn." "Can't help himself." "I've heard of cases like that." "But sick or not sick, he's not going to burn my camp down." "Maybe there's another camp he could burn down." "Now, Hogan, let me remind you, this is a very ser..." "Another camp?" "Stalag 18." "Commandant Schweinbrunner." "He's always telling me that his efficiency rating is higher than mine-- just because his brother-in-law is Himmler's barber." "That would be a good one It sure would." "( both laughing )" "This is a private joke!" "Schultz..." "have Tillman transferred to Stalag 18 immediately." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "There's a truck leaving today." "Good." "Now, Hogan, that was quick work putting out the fire, but it shouldn't have happened in the first place." "You don't maintain strict enough discipline." "An iron hand, that's what they need." "I'm working on it, sir." "Well, try harder." "Oh, I will, I will, I surely will." "All right, what is it, Corporal Walter Tillman?" "I was just looking for a match." "And it's not Corporal Walter Tillman." "No?" "No." "What is it, then?" "It's General Tillman Walters, Signal Corps." "General!" "Tell me, General, what are you doing here at Stalag 13, slumming?" "Naturally you let yourself be captured on purpose." "All right, Hogan, I know you've got to be careful, but I'm here to do a vitally important job." "And you need my help." "I can't do the job without it." "Sure, General... count on me for anything." "Your message code is "unsung heroes," I believe." "You seem to know a lot." "There'll be a message coming in on the BBC in... three minutes." "I think it will explain everything." "...until the last pockets of resistance were wiped out and the Allies now occupy the village." "Sherman tanks have continued northward pursuing the fleeing Panzer divisions." "And now a word for our unsung heroes." "Whether you are a general or a private, our thoughts and hopes are with you." "Each of you has a vital sense of dedication and mission." "We give you the gratitude that comes from a full heart, and be assured of our complete support." "Huh." ""General with you." ""Has vital mission." "Give full and complete support."" "Satisfied, Colonel Hogan?" "Yeah, Pop..." "I mean, General." "All right, now, here's the mission:" "The Germans are building rocket plants, and it's been our strategy to let them build the plant, tying up manpower and materiel as they build, and then, just before they're ready for production, we bomb the plant." "Sounds like good sport, sir." "Up to now, it's worked perfectly." "But the biggest plant they've built is 30 miles dead east of here, and it's almost completed." "See?" "Now you're just about ready to... ( imitates explosion )" "I wish it was that easy." "You see, the weather's locked in the plant." "The bombers can't find the target." "However, we've charted a radar course that should zero us right in on the target." "That's where we come in." "Right." "We've got to install a radar unit in this camp." "It's the last link in the relay, and the bombers take over from there." "Hmm." "What's on your mind?" "I'm trying to figure out where we can pick up a radar installation." "Knowing you guys, you'll come up with one, too." "However, there's no need for that." "I've got one right here." "Look at this." "There... the latest thing in radar." "Battery operated, gives out a strong signal for two hours." "We find the right place to mount it," "I activate it," "The bombers come over on schedule, and up goes the rocket plant in flames." "That I'd like to see." "Flames..." "What's the matter?" "You're being transferred to Stalag 18 today." "Transferred?" "Why?" "Because you're a firebug, sir." "I've got the men out getting the necessary equipment, sir." "Good." "I've been going over the figures." "We should be able to have that radar unit installed in an hour and a half." "When are the planes coming over?" "In two hours and a quarter." "Should be able to make it then." "We've got to make it." "This what you had in mind, sir?" "Say, that's perfect." "And I've cut the wire in 50-foot pieces, like you said." "Good." "What about Schultz?" "Well, he's a very unhappy man, sir." "It seems he has to transfer a firebug to Stalag 18, and the truck wouldn't start." "What a shame." "What's wrong with the truck?" "I think there was a lot of sand in the crankcase." "And some little rocks in the gearbox." "Good heavens!" "How could a thing like that happen?" "LeBEAU:" "I don't know." "NEWKIRK:" "Haven't got a clue." "It's funny how coincidences sort of pile up, ain't it?" "You know, I'd hate to be in a war with you guys on the other side." "Okay, that's 120 degrees." "120 degrees." "Now 42 degrees left." "42 degrees left." "Get a reading." "All right, Newkirk, down periscope." "All right." "That's it." "42 degrees." "Now, 50 feet on this line." "Carter, LeBeau." "Give us about 50 feet of line, huh?" "Okay, Carter, get going." "Little bit to the left." "Little bit more." "Okay, Carter, stop." "That's perfect." "Up periscope." "Pull in your line, huh?" "Right." "Colonel Hogan!" "Colonel Hogan, I've been looking for you." "I can't stop to talk now, Schultz" " I'm busy." "I have to take the prisoner to Stalag 18 right away." "What's the rush?" "I'll tell you what's the rush." "Commandant Klink thinks he's already there." "What are you planning on using for transportation, Schultz?" "The truck isn't working." "Yeah, but the motorcycle is." "Motorcycle?" "Sorry, Colonel." "I'm glad." "First, I have to see that he has no matches." "It's terrible to be so suspicious, Schultz." "What difference does an hour make?" "I'll tell you what difference it makes." "If Commandant Klink finds out that he's still here," "I could be on my way to the Russian front in an hour." "Here comes Klink." "What is going on here?" "What is going on?" "Furthermore, I'm not going to put up with this sloppy discipline and laxness any longer." "Now shape up or get out." "Get out?" "Where?" "Figure of speech." "Now, look, I want to see you guys all clean-shaven, and I want to see those boots shined." "I want to see a little pride." "Remember, we're all prisoners of the Third Reich." "Let's try to live up to it." "Very good, Hogan." "You sound almost like a German officer." "Coming from you, Commandant, that's high praise." "I said almost." "Schultz, let's go." "Something we can do for you, Schultz?" "( frustrated growl )" "All right, now let's get cracking." "Where's Tillman?" "Nice going, Colonel." "All right, come on." "We're running out of time." "Check that last reading." "All right." "Down periscope." "Now, what was that last reading, Colonel?" "52 degrees left and the distance: 50 feet." "That does it." "Where does the radar unit go?" "Oh, no." "We're sunk." "Why?" "The unit has to go on top of the guard tower at the extreme left edge." "We can't do a thing with that guard up there, and besides, it's outside the fence." "It's a problem, but for every problem there's a solution." "Well, this one has to be solved in less than an hour, because that's when the bombers are due." "LeBeau, get your camera." "I'm out of film." "You don't need film." "Get your camera and make it quick." "Okay." "Meet you by the guard tower in five minutes." "General, I have no idea." "Hello, Colonel Hogan." "Hi, Helga." "Commandant in?" "I'm sorry, he's taking his nap." "I'll see him later." "Hold it." "Come here-- a little bit to the left." "What is it, Colonel Hogan?" "You know, Helga," "I never realized what perfect bone structure you have for photography." "I have?" "Perfect?" "The best I've ever seen." "You know, with your bone structure, you'd be a natural for movies." "Ah, you've been told that a thousand times." "No, never." "Aw, come on." "You're kidding me." "Hey, look, I've got a friend in Hollywood." "If you got some pictures of yourself," "I could send them to him." "And after the war, who knows?" "You could be a big star." "I think I'd like that." "But I don't have any photographs." "Oh, what a shame." "My friend would be crazy about your bone structure." "Why don't you come outside?" "I'll take the pictures myself." "But the commandant." "He's asleep." "He'll never know." "Hey, look, you got a bathing suit?" "Sometimes these producers like to see more than bones." "Ready?" "Okay." "Perfect!" "Good girl." "LeBEAU:" "Do something else." "Turn around." "That's good." "Beautiful!" "That's great." "Another one now." "That's my girl!" "Now another one." "That's it." "Another one." "LeBEAU:" "That's it." "Good girl." "Oh, beautiful, Helga!" "Good one." "Do something else." "Here's to you, General." "Thank you." "Cheers." "Cheers." "We were saving this champagne for a special occasion, but I can't think of a more special occasion than this." "Right." "In 27 and a half minutes." "I just wish I could stay for the show." "It's too dangerous." "We'll have Sergeant Olsen take you to the pickup point so Schultz can't wander in and transfer you." "Well, I suppose you're right." "All right, fellas, get this stuff out of here, huh?" "I'll do it right away, Colonel." "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "Hold it." "Who tied this knot?" "I did." "It broke and I tied it together." "What's wrong with that?" "Let me see that." "That'll make it six inches shorter." "When did this happen?" "On the last measurement." "That means that radar unit has got to be moved six inches more to the left." "Will a six-inch error make that much difference?" "Well, considering the distance of the radar signal to the target, it could mean an error of around 2,000 yards at the drop." "We've got to get you out of here, so I'll take care of it." "We'll move the radar signal." "Okay, it's up to you, Hogan." "And remember, 26 minutes." "Yes, sir." "Good luck, and don't worry about it." "We'll be able to do it." "Thank you." "Pop." "Good luck, General." "Don't worry." "It's like Petticoat Lane on a Sunday." "We haven't got a chance." "The whole German Army is here." "Newkirk, you got your pencil sharpener with you?" "I'd feel undressed without it, sir." "Think you can you get the tire on that car from here?" "Nothing to it." "Go ahead, and don't miss." "( loud bang, air hissing )" "Newkirk, I'm sick and tired of your horseplay with the knives!" "I've just about had it with you!" "I saw that!" "Colonel Klink, I'm sorry about this." "He'll be punished for this." "It'll serve you right if you have to fix that tire!" "If?" "Certainly he'll fix it." "Oh, now, wait a minute." "That's out of the question." "The Geneva Conference rules out menial labor." "The Geneva Conference says nothing about fixing tires." "The Geneva Conference is quite explicit about this." "Hogan!" "All right, but I want you to know this is under protest." "Newkirk, fix that tire." "Hey, you, let them do it!" "So, that's what you were up to." "Five minutes." "( airplanes approaching )" "Are you sure that was six inches?" "No, I didn't have anything to measure it with." "( bombs thundering in distance )" "Exactly six inches." ""(End of Episode)""