"( theme music playing )" "as you can see, my situation is desperate." "we were trying to rescue these two idiot airmen and of course the plan went wrong." "now we are all handcuffed together and the key is in berlin." "i'm trying to release myself using this old hacksaw blade-  ( clangs )  -which is broken." "fortunately, yvette and michelle are on their way by captured motorcycle to the establishment of monsieur alfonse the undertaker to borrow his hammer and chisel, with which he engraves names on tombstones." "if he does not hurry, it will be our names he will be engraving." "rene, here comes monsieur alfonse." "oh, thank heaven for that." "whoa-oa... ( sighs ) good afternoon, monsieur." "as you see, i've brought with me this small horse with the small hearse." "never mind about that." "where are the hammer and the chisel?" "here, i have them." "i have also-- with great presence of mind-- brought with me a small tombstone to act as an anvil." "( grunts ) it has rene's name on it." ""rene artois, hero of the resistance."" "my mason was going on holiday." "with the life he is leading, it could be needed any day." " monsieur rene?" " hmm?" "( clears throat ) may i trouble you to hold in place the chisel?" "( hacking coughing ) i should take your watch off if i were you." " he doesn't look very steady." " ( coughs ) it's all right, it's shockproof." "here goes." "( coughs )" "( groans feebly, coughs )" " ( groans, coughs ) - what is happening?" " nothing." " ( clangs )" " japanese rubbish." " now look here, we have to get out of these things straightaway or we're all for the high jump." " i will shoot it off." " you will miss." "i will not miss, i am a marksman." "you?" "!" "you are a terrible shot." " i will do it." " no, you will not do it!" "girls, stop it." "can you not see we are in a right pickle?" "you could of course lie down on the railway tracks." "the paris express is due in 27 minutes." "one of us would have to lie under the train." "it would only take four trains." "we would be free by friday." "i have it-- agent crabtree will have the keys to the handcuffs" " at the police station." " how do we get to the police station like this?" "!" "we must leave you." "we have to collect the body of a dead parrot to go to the pet cemetery." "oh, rene, i do not want to leave you like this." " ( quivering whimper ) - edith: nonsense." "go and open the cafe!" "good luck, all of you, and i will see you back in nouvion." "( groans, grunts ) gee up." "oh my god, what are we going to do now?" "look, the workman's hut." " what good is that?" " i will show you." "come." "i say, what's going on?" "obviously they are in a blue funk about something." "i know-- we're going camping." "edith:" "lift." "by the left, quick march." "one two, one two, one two... you look very downcast, herr flick." "that is because i am downcast." "i have been plagued by disaster." "i have had one staff car blown up, one staff car flattened by a steamroller, i was all but demolished by an exploding nose, i have been arrested twice by von klinkerhoffen and helga has jilted me for a wop!" "when my godfather, heinrich himmler, hears that i have failed to interrogate the airmen, i fear my employment with the gestapo" " may be terminated." " what are you going to do?" "i must be prepared to fly." "to this end, i must obtain cash in exchange for the portrait of the fallen madonna with the big boobies by van clomp." "i-- i have lost the thread." "where is it now?" "it is hanging in the larder of the cafe of rene artois in a knockwurst sausage." "it must be sold." "you, von smallhausen, mix with lowlife in the district." " find me a fence." " i will try, herr flick." "be my friend in this matter and you will not go unrewarded." "you can rely on me... otto." "my friends call me herr flick!" "only bosom pals call me otto." "and your bosom pal has gone off with an itai." "don't remind me of that!" "( knocks )" " well, what's the news?" " the news is good, colonel." "the airmen have gone." "frenchmen disguised as german military personnel removed them." " did bertorelli see?" " no, colonel, i distracted him by taking off most of my clothes and dancing with him the tango in my underwear." "do you mean the black underwear with the little swastikas round the edges?" " how did you know about this?" " word gets around." "and in the door of your luxurious room in the chateau is an abnormally large keyhole." "it seems to me that when the general finds out that the british airmen have gone, blame may fall upon us." "i think it is time we cashed in our assets." "i nearly cashed in mine this afternoon." "what had you in mind, colonel?" "we should sell the portrait of the fallen madonna with the big boobies by van clomp for cash." "then if anything happens, we're mobile." "where will we sell it?" "it was, after all, stolen from the chateau." "gruber, you deal with rene often." "he seems to be in touch with all the villains in the area." "see if he knows of a crooked fence." "yes, colonel." "where is the painting at the moment?" "here it is, and here is our future!" "when the rubbish hits the fan, we'll divide it three ways." "four ways." "your door also have the big keyhole." "edith, edith." "oh-oh!" "will nobody hear the cries of an old woma-aaaan?" "here, madame fanny, i have for you some onion soup." "oh-oh, why am i left for hours and hours without food and gin?" "we have all been away trying to rescue the british airmen" " from the germans." " oh, the germans!" "i hate them!" "( spits ) oh!" "i have my grandfather's dueling pistol under my pillow." "and the next german i see, i will shoot." "now now, madame fanny, eat up your soup." " ( moans ) - oh, it was very exciting." "and we managed to rescue the airmen." "oh, are they back in england?" " no, they are back in the cellar." " oh." "rene and madame edith have just opened up the cafe again." "but where is ernest, my fiance?" "oh, you will be proud of him-- he drove the getaway car." " oh!" " unfortunately, his brakes failed and he went through the window of the pawnbroker's" " and we have not seen him since." " oh." "hey-yyy, fanny." " a cursed german." " ( gasps )" "( yvette screams )" "( glass clatters )" " rene, your hand is still shaking!" " oh." "it is not usual for you to drink at this hour of the day." "oh, i am shattered, edith!" "i do not have the stomach for this kind of thing, you know." "whatever happens, you must show no sign of nerves." " what if somebody saw us and recognized us?" " get hold of yourself!" " herr flick of the gestapo." " ( both scream )" "oh, good evening, herr flick." "( falters ) do you wish a table?" "i can throw some peasants out into the street." " a cigar, a free drink?" " oh, sounds good to me." "shut up." "you have secreted in your larder a knockwurst sausage containing the portrait of the fallen madonna by van clomp." "the one with the big boobies." "oh, that one." "yes yes, i was saving it for you until after the war." " i require it now." " yes, of course, herr flick-- at once." "mimi, mimi, eh-- run down into the cellar and get for this nice gestapo officer his sausage." "it will not be a moment, herr flick." "i will not take it with me." "i do not wish to be seen in public with knockwurst sausage." "you will bring it to me tonight at my secret headquarters." "32 rue de gasgoine" "my formerly secret headquarters." "you peasants may all start chattering again." "i am leaving." "you cannot beat the gestapo as party poopers." "rene, i do not know which one it is." "it has a little swastika on it." "oh, i hid it in a drawer so it would not be consumed by accident." "( gasps ) the mice have eaten it!" "they have made a nest in the portrait of the fallen madonna with the big boobies by van clomp!" "you stupid woman!" "if you had left this hanging this would never have happened." "oh, rene, i am sorry." "i have failed you again." "i will beat myself with this spaghetti." " edith." " ( screams ) for god's sake." "six weeks as a trainee nun really got to you, did it not?" " what are we going to do?" " i've had enough of this gung-ho existence." "my nerves have gone completely." "i still have two bars of the general's gold that we stole from the police station." "i never found out where you hid it." "i melted it down." "it is now the weight on the cuckoo clock." "when the cafe closes tonight, we will creep off and head for the coast." "we will find a boat and row to england." "but my mother does not like the sea." " we will not be taking her." " i cannot leave my mother behind." " you come up with a better plan." " well-- rene, lieutenant gruber wants you in the bar." " he says that it is urgent." " ( rene grumbles ) i must compose myself." "he must not suspect that this could be the last time we meet." "madame edith, i think we should go." "monsieur leclerc can look after your mother and i will put a suicide pill in the cocoa of yvette." "well, it will make the gold go further." "certainly not!" "oh my child, what has become of you?" "money has corrupted you!" "it was just an idea." "you must drive such thoughts right out of your head." "( screams )" "oh, sorry to keep you, lieutenant." "i was in the larder." "do you wish a cognac?" " a large one." " ah yes." "i will have one as well." "( chuckles ) you are looking very pale, rene." "uh, well, i was stocktaking." "i found i was a sausage short." "ah, good evening, lieutenant gruber." "i am glad you are here, madame edith." "i need your help." "you both have contacts with the underworld-- i need a crooked man." "what are you going to do with him?" "when general von klinkerhoffen finds out that the airmen are missing, things may get a bit hot." "we must be in a position to depart hastily to lisbon, perhaps-- or some neutral country." "for this, we need money." "we are prepared to sell the portrait of the fallen madonna with the big boobies by van clomp at a very advantageous price." "oh, you need a bent fence." "yes-- or uh... an ordinary fence would suffice." "i see. well, i'll do what i can." "bless you, rene." "call me as soon as you have news." "lieutenant gruber, if we find you a fence, would the painting be available immediately?" "it is but a telephone call away." "ah, leave it to us." " rene." " huh?" " i have a plan." " hit me with it." "why do we not arrange to give lieutenant gruber the gold for the painting?" "then we can give the painting to herr flick and we would not have to leave town and go to england." "they say the food is terrible." "you could be right, but where are we going to find a crooked fence that we can trust?" "i think i know such a man." "colonelo, is rene from the cafe." "he have-a the good news." "he find-a the fence." "bring him over, we make-a the deal." "no, not here!" "tell him we'll meet him at the cafe." "i make-a the mistake." "tell him we meet him at your place." "okay." "is-a fixed." "( doorbell dings ) good moaning." "good moaning." "i want a tible for two by the wandow." "look, we are very busy, and you are a very great risk." "i'm having dinner with a female british secret urgent." "she has been dripped by parashat." "well, for heaven's sake, do not bring her in here." "we were trooned together at the school of intoligence." " you must moot her." " ( sighs ) this is ronnie artois." "good moaning." "do they not teach any of you to speak french?" "they have a very strange occent in this dustrict." "i expect they are posants." "we were trooned to talk pish." " rene, the colonel is here." " oh my god, quick-- sit down-- there there." "and for heaven's sake keep your voices low." "if there is any trible, i have a gin in my bog." "i am very glad to hear it." "come in, colonel." "please, this way." "out out, out out." "sit over here, colonel, away from the window, down there." "thank you." " lieutenant-- - have you fixed the fence?" "oh, yes, i have fixed the fence, yes." "the ducks will not escape again." " what is he talk about, eh?" " it is the man to buy the painting." "it is most important that he doesn't recognize me." "of course, like you, he does not wish to be recognized either." "the meeting will take place in the backroom." "he will be wearing on his head a paper bag." "hmm, in that case, i too will wear a paper bag." "yes, i have one here for you already." "here, hang about a minute and hold everything." "you in the backroom with the painting and the money, while we sit here like-a the lemons?" "how we know you not scarper through the back window?" "how dare you impugn the honor of a german officer?" "!" "how many of you think i would do a thing like this?" "edith, three more paper bags, eh?" " yeah ha ha." " ( fanny sobs ) ernest, my fiance." "dear fanny, i have come to stuff your mattress." "could you say that again?" "i have come to stuff your mattress." "oh, that was what i thought you said." "for the last four nights i've been forging money." "it is for our honeymoon." "after that, we can run away and live in a little garret" " looking over the roofs of paris." " ( laughs ) why do you not forge some more then we can get one with a lift?" " rene?" " huh?" " have you the paper bag?" " oh yes, it is here." "mimi, go and tell them the fence is here, eh?" "the fence is here." "no no no, crouch down behind the bar, we do not want the customers to see you." "( whispers ) they are prepared." " in you go, monsieur alfonse." " huh?" "no." "( grumbles )" "( whispers ) sit down." "no, over there." "now, uh, this is colonel x." "this is captain x... lieutenant x," " and private x." " lance corporal x." "oh, lance corporal x." "and this is, um... x." "who is the principal in this matter with whom i should negotiate?" "the colonelo von strohm." "you idiot!" "we're supposed to be anonymous, bertorelli!" "i am sure that x will wipe this from his mind." "( chuckles ) do not worry, monsieur, we undertakers can be very discreet." "damn!" "we did not hear that." "he say the undertakers-- they are very discreet." " ( wheezing ) - gruber: what is the matter?" "it is his dicky ticker." "now, uh... to business-- we have the painting." " where is the money?" " here it is." "( gasps ) it is the weight of a cuckoo clock." "ah, yes, but it is gold." "look." "we no want-a the gold, we want-a the money!" "on the other hand, french francs may not easily be negotiated where we may be going." "gold is acceptable everywhere." "you're quite-a correct, lieutenant gruber-- ah, damn!" "put up your hands, those that think we should have the gold." "you've been outvoted, helga." "damn!" "( british accent ) i think we should speak only in french." "i agree-- we might be overheard." "both: chorrs." "sooing you here again, it all comes berk to me." "that nit on the bonk of the thames... having a pucknick in a pint... and then a cuss and a kiddie." "cuss me as you cussed me then." "people are licking." "then hold my hind." "squeeze it titly." "i think it had better be onder the tible." "now, one for you, one for you," " and one for you." " hold-a a minute." "this end-a bit which i got is more smaller than the other bits." " this is most unsatisfactory." " i agree." "we must exchange the gold for hard cash." " me, i agree." " i agree." "oh, very well." "gruber get on to rene." "we need another fence." "now i want you to put on your hat and coat, and take this painting to herr flick of the gestapo at his secret headquarters, number 32 rue de gasgoine, eh?" " is this the real one?" " no, of course not." "it is a spare forgery i had lying about." "oh, quick, somebody is coming." "rene, i have just been tidying the bed of your mother-in-law and i found 10 bundles of money like this stuffed in the mattress." "she must have been robbing the till for years." " ( phone rings ) - she said that monsieur leclerc did it." "oh, in that case it must be forged." "we must not let him spend any of it in here." "lieutenant gruber is on the telephone." "he wishes to speak to you, rene." "oh, heck." "hello?" " where are you going?" " i have to go and deliver the painting to herr flick." "he should have sent me." "i have been here longer than you." "well, i am tougher than you." " oh, yes. who says?" " i say." " huh?" " you wanna try me?" "ha ha ha, i could take you with one finger." " which finger?" " this one." "( screams ) girls, girls, stop it!" "stop it!" "mimi, get about your errand." "yvette, compose yourself." " mimi, go!" " oh." "yvette:" "ooh!" "oh, rene, i love it when you are so masterful." "it makes me tingle all over." "you will tingle a whole lot more when i tell you that the germans want cash instead of the gold we gave to them." " oh, no." " never mind." "i have thought of a way in which we can get the gold back and get rid of this forged money without edith knowing, and without any risk of discovery." "monsieur alfonse." "no, me." "the plan is as follows, colonel:" "you are to go to the church at midnight." "you are to go into the confessional box." "you will say, "father, i have sinned."" "and the priest will say, "what is your sin?"" "you will then confess to something and say that you wish to give gold to the church." "the little trapdoor will open, you will push the gold through, and you will receive in return the cash." "and we will be right behind you." "so you no scarper with-a the dough through the vestry." "i've let down the tires of the bicycle of the priest." "he will have to walk." "he will be very late." " good luck." " ( moans )" "( quivering whimper ) bless you, my child." " yes?" " father, i have sinned." "( feeble voice ) what is your sin, my child?" "i am guilty of cruel and jealous thoughts." "what are these thoughts?" "i have suspected my husband of having a ding-dong with one of our waitresses, if not both." "you stupid woman, it is a mortal sin to have such a thought." "he is a fine man." "do 200 "hail marys"" "and do not think of it again." "( silent )" "oh, uh..." "###### i'm sorry, i, uh, i was just passing so i popped in for a quick prayer." " and i found you a customer." " thank you, father." "depart in peace." "wait for me here." " yes?" " father, i have sinned." "tell me your sin." "i've been very rude about hitler." "this is not a sin, my son." "it is where i come from." "i wish to give gold to the church." "ah!" "this is most generous." "( whispers ) where's the money?" " what money?" " you're supposed to give me money." "you have the wrong idea, my son." "we do not give money, we take it." "say three "hail marys" and go in peace." " where's the money?" " i did not get any money." " what did you get?" " i gave him the gold and i got three "hail marys."" "and no receipt." "we have been diddled by the catholic church!" "( theme music playing )"