"to a dreadful dynasty of vicious vampire ducks." "The Counts of Duckula!" "Legend has it that these fowl beings can be destroyed... by a stake through the heart or exposure to sunlight." "This does not suffice, however... for they may be brought back to life... by means of a sacred rite... that can be performed once a century... when the moon is in the eighth house of Aquarius!" " Batswing blood." " I'll get it!" "The latest reincarnation did not run according to plan." "Ooh!" "In the heart of Transylvania" "In the Vampire Hall of Fame, yeah" "There's not a vampire zanier than" "Duckula" "He won't bite beast or man" "'Cause he's a vegetarian" "And things never run to plan for" "Duckula" "If you're lookin' for some fun" "You can always count upon" "The wild and wacky one they call" "Duckula" "Heh heh!" "Count Duckula!" "Heh heh heh!" "Welcome." "Welcome once more to the spine-chilling shadows... of a Transylvanian horror story." "Welcome to Castle Duckula..." "home of the Vampire Ducks." "Welcome to a sinister realm where darkness rules... and where, even now, a cry rings out... across the echoing peaks... as a creature that is sore distressed." "Duckypoos!" "Oh, Duckypoos!" "Oh, no." "Now what?" "Come in, Nanny, and shut the wall behind you." "Oh, Duckypoos!" "Yes, Nanny, so you said." "What's the matter?" "It's the second best teapot, Duckypoos." " You broke it?" " No, I went and bro..." " Oh, you knew?" " Just a hunch." "I'm awfully sorry, sir." "Don't worry, Nanny." "Accidents will happen." "And after all, it's only the second best teapot." "Well, no, milord, it isn't only the second best teapot." "Oh, not the milk jug as well?" "No, no, sir, nothing like that." " Nothing like that, no." " Well, that's a relief." "It's the way it was broken." "The way it was broken, yes." "The way it was broken." "How was it broken?" "The west wing fell on it." "Well." "No wonder it was..." "The west wing fell on it?" " It was the mouse what done it." " The mouse?" "Are you trying to tell me that a mouse has destroyed my west wing?" "The west wing of Castle Duckula?" "The west wing of the Castle Duckula that is my home... my father's home, and my father's father's home?" "Yes, that Castle Duckula." "I know it's that Castle Duckula." "What I don't know is how a mouse destroyed it." "It tried to climb into my cake mix." "Oh, well, that explains it." "Explain it, Nanny." "Well, I shooed him off... and he ran across the kitchen floor, and..." "And she threw the stove at it, milord." "The stove?" "Unfortunately, she missed the mouse and hit the wall... which resulted in the total destruction of the West Wing, milord." "For heaven's sake, Nanny." "Why the stove?" "Why couldn't you have used a mouse trap?" "Oh, don't be so daft." "They're the wrong shape for throwing." "Oh, they're the wrong..." "they're the..." " I never thought of that." " Yes." "What do you wish me to do, milord?" "About Nanny?" "Don't tempt me." "About the west wing, milord." "Better get the builders in, I guess." "That could be difficult, milord." "There are some unpaid bills... for repairs to doors and ceiling and walls." "Well, we'll just have to advertise in The Transylvania Times, Igor." "Yes, milord." "Very good, milord." "Look, once and for all..." "I am not going to go into the building industry." "But, Ruffles, this geezer wants a whole west wing building... on Castle Duckula." "We'd make a fortune." "I'm not a worker." "I'm a robber." "Well, couldn't we rob another castle?" "We haven't robbed a castle for days." "We've robbed all the castles worth robbing." "We haven't robbed Castle Duckula." "Like I said, we robbed all the castles worth robbing." " Ah." " Exactly... ah." "Now, what we want is some idiot... with more money than sense to float into view..." " so that we could..." " Hoo-wee, doggone." "If that don't beat all." "Hello." "I think it's Christmas." "Yep, this is what I call a village inn." "This is what I call an old-world pub." "And this is what I call some idiot with more money than sense." "Oh, yeah." "Here, I've just got an idea." "Wait there." "Morning to he, sir." "Oh, Tarquin." "Ain't he just too quaint?" "Sure is, sugar." "Hi there, simple European peasant." "Welcome to our simple European country, sir." "Oh, Tarquin, ain't that just too refined?" "Sure is, sugar." "I'd like to buy you a drink, sir." "You and your lovely daughter here." "Oh, Tarquin, did you hear that?" "Sure did, sugar." "Yep, sure is simple." "Well, thank you." "Mine host, two glasses of Transylvanian Pond Water... for the gentleman and his lovely daughter." "Right." "I hope as how you ain't been buying any rubbishy souvenirs... of our simple European country." "Oh, Tarquin won't." "He's too clever for that." "Sure am." "Quite right, quite right." "Not good enough for he." "Trashy little bits and pieces." "You wants something as no one else has got." "Oh, what would you have in mind?" "I was just thinking what your neighbors would think... if you was to have a castle in your backyard." " A castle?" " Oh, Tarquin!" "That would make Mr. And Mrs. Nouveau Riche's gazebo..." "look just nothing at all." "Sure would, sugar." "You mean you can actually buy one of these little ol' European castles?" "Sure can, sug..." "Right, sir, that he can." "Oh, Tarquin!" "I thinks as how I could lay me hands on just the thing." " But how would we..." " I'll look after all that, sir." "Me and my simple European rustic friends... will take it to pieces stone by stone... and mail it out to you." " But what about..." " No problem, sir." "We'll just mail ourselves out and all... and put it back together in your backyard." "Oh, Tarquin!" "It'd look just dandy next to the swimming pool." "Sure would, sugar." "It's a deal." "How much?" "28,485,973 Transylvanian drachmas." "Hey, that sounds too much." "Or..." "let me see..." " $615." " Chicken feed!" "No, miss, I'd have to insist on dollars." " Ain't he just too quaint?" " Sure is, sugar." "What?" "You mean we've actually got a builder?" "He's at the door now, milord." "I'll be right there." "Don't let him get away." " Something wrong?" " Well, it's your soffits." "No, I feel fine." "No, not you." "The castle." "You've got wet rot in your soffits." "Oh, no!" "Oh, yes, and your architraves are underpinned from the vertical." "Oh, is that bad?" "It's bad." "Good job you called us when you did, squire." "That west wing could fall down any minute." "The west wing did fall down." "I was right, then." " Pardon me?" " We could start tomorrow." "Could you give me a quote?" ""Once more into the breach, dear friends, once more..."" "No, no." "No, no, no, no." "I mean, could you tell me how much the job will cost?" "Then I can't afford it." " Oh, then again." " Yes?" "We've a discount for the aristocracy." " Discount?" " Discount, any count, any duke." "And deferred payment plus..." "plus labor... that's... nothing." " Nothing?" " Nothing." "It'll be a privilege." "It'll be a steal." "It certainly will." "OK, start tomorrow." "Yeah, tomorrow." "Thank you, Count." "I'm sure you'll regret it." "No, of course not." "Pardon me?" " Are you holding the ladder?" " What?" "Are you holding the ladder?" "I can't hear you." "Hang on, I'm coming up." "What did you say, boss?" "I said, are you holding the ladder?" "I was." "Why?" "Because if you weren't, the ladder would..." "So, this time, you can get the stones out... and I'll hold the ladder." "Yeah, all right, then, boss." "Do you want me to drop it down, boss?" " Boss?" " Yes?" "All right." " Yes!" "What do you want?" " I told you what..." "Oh, heck." "So, we'll forget taking the castle to pieces from the top." "Right, boss." "And we'll take it to pieces from the bottom." " Right?" " Yeah, right, boss." "I'll take the stones out." "You number 'em." "Number three writes the address on 'em." "Number four sticks the stamp on... and so on along the chain until they get to the postbox." " Right?" " Chain, boss?" "Chain!" "From one to another, like a bicycle chain!" "Oh, I see what you mean." "Sharp as on orange, ain't you?" "Right." "Here we go." " Here you are, boss." " Eh?" "What's this?" "It's a stone from the castle, boss." "I know it's a stone from the..." "It's the first stone I took out." "I got some more here, boss." "You idiots." "What are you doing?" "Oh, it's worked, then." "Worked?" "What do you mean, worked?" " Well, the chain." " The chain?" "Yeah, like a bicycle chain, you said, and it's worked." "All the way to the postbox and back here." "You ain't half clever..." " Igor." " Milord?" "What's Nanny putting in your food?" "Well, it's certainly not anything edible, milord." "Why?" "Only..." "I think you're growing." " That's odd, milord." " Certainly is." "I mean, milord, that's odd." "I was just thinking the same about you." "I'd better have a word with her." "Nanny?" "Coming, Duckypoos!" "And use the door!" "Of course I'll use the..." "Oh, now, how did that happen?" " Nanny." " I banged my head." "It's just as well." "You might have injured yourself." " Pardon?" " Forget it, forget it." "Forget what?" " Forget what I just said." " Right." "What did you just say?" "You don't think she had a brain in there after all, do you, Igor?" "Not for a moment, sir." "Nanny, are you wearing your high heels?" "No." "I only wear those at the seaside." "Oh, dear." "Look, I know this is asking for trouble... but why, Nanny, do you only wear your high heels at the seaside?" "So I can paddle without getting me feet wet." "I knew I was asking for trouble." "No, Igor, she isn't wearing her high heels." "I see." "In that case, milord... it would seem that Nanny is growing, too." "Don't be so daft." "It's the room getting smaller." "The room getting smaller." "The room getting smaller." "Did you ever hear such a..." "Gee whiz." "The room's getting smaller." "It's those builders." "Come on, Igor." "Come on, Nanny." "And there am I, thinking that the grass is getting too long... when all the time, it's you making the castle smaller." "What do you think you're doing?" "Well..." "I... well... that is..." " We're making the castle smaller." " Yeah, we're..." "Idiot." "Shut up and..." "Oh, yes." "We're making the castle smaller." "Indeed!" "And why?" "Well... 'cause we're working on the roof." "Oh." "This is the roof?" "No, no, the roof's up there." "I know the roof's up there." "What I mean is... why are you pulling my stones out of my wall... if you're supposed to be working on the roof?" "Well, the ladder's too short." "The ladder's too short." "Exactly, so we're doing the old builder's trick... of lowering the roof." "Lowering the roof." "This is absolute nonsense!" "Look, where is this ladder?" "It's leaning against the wall, chief." "Well, you come with me and Igor... and I will show you how to use it properly." "Oh, yes, Your Honor." "Right, right, Your Honor." "Right." "OK, Igor." "I'm nearly at the top of this bit." "Now bring me another length of ladder." "No, I'd rather not, sir." "I've no head for heights." "Nanny, you take the master another length of ladder." "Oh, very well, Mr. Igor." "Well done, Nanny." "Now all we have to do... is to join your length to the top of the one we're on... and I hope it fits all right." " Oh, it'll fit, Duckypoos." " Are you sure, Nanny?" "Well, it fitted all right at the other end." "The other end?" "You mean you took this piece of ladder... from the bottom of the one that we're..." " I tell you what." " Yeah?" "Why don't you take the stones out from the bottom?" "Oh, that's a great idea, chief." "We'll do that." "Gee, it's bright." "I must have forgotten to draw the curtains." "Hey, where are the cur..." "Where's the window..." "Wait a minute." "Where's my castle?" "Nanny, Igor!" "My castle!" "My castle!" "I'll be upstairs in a moment, Duckypoos." "Upstairs?" "There aren't any stairs!" "Coming, milord." "Oh, my poor old legs." "I don't know why we can't have one of them dumb waiters." "Why bother when you've got a really dumb Nanny." "Yes." "And that stair carpet is just about worn out." "Nanny, there isn't any stair carpet." "There aren't even any stairs." "The castle has gone." "Now, don't let's have one of your silly days... young master Duckypoos." " Milord, the castle." " I know, Igor." "Nanny, have you been spring-cleaning again?" "Spring-cleaning?" "Once she gets the feather duster fever... there's no holding her, milord." "Maybe we're all going out of our minds." "I mean, a castle can't just disappear without a trace." "I didn't tell it to go anywhere." "L..." "I..." "Wait a minute." "What's this?" "It appears to be a piece of masonry, milord." "I think it's a stone." "Well done, Nanny." "It's to Mr. And Mrs. Tarquin K. Paintbrush..." "Fish Fork, Idolina, U.S.A." "Wow!" "You know what this means?" "It means that someone's posted our castle to America." " The builders!" " The builders!" "I don't know." "There's something not quite right... about the way it's going back together." "Yeah, yeah, I see what you mean." "I suppose you have been putting the stones back... the way they was numbered." "Yeah, yeah, of course we have, boss." "Lets have a look." "One, two... three, four... five... one, two..." " Here, there's another number one!" " Yeah, yeah, well..." "And there's another!" "And a two!" "And a five!" "There's hundreds of 'em all with the same numbers on!" "What the caramelized garlic have you been doing?" "Yeah, well, I..." "Yeah, well, you what?" "!" "I can only count up to five." "You can only..." "Yeah, so when I got to five, I had to start all over again." "You flippin' dimwit." "Now what are we gonna do?" "Hi there." "How's it going?" "Hello..." "Mr. Paintbrush." "Say, is that the way it's meant to be?" "Yes, yes." "Coming together beautiful, squire." "It sure as spitting' don't look like any castle I've ever seen." "No, well, that's... that's like with it being 13th century Transylvanian, you see?" " That right?" " Oh, yeah, yeah." "Very creative period in middle European architecture... was the 13th century." "Gee." "I mean, look at that cantilevered damp-proof course." "Gee, yeah." "Yeah, look at that subterranean attic." "I must get Mrs. Paintbrush to come and tour the place." "I'll be back with her in half an hour." "Yeah." "Right." "Now we're in a mess, you brain-drained layabout." "Oh, crikey." "We've got half an hour to make ourselves scarce." "Get the lads ready and get a move on!" "This is hopeless." "We'll never get to Fish Fork at this rate." "Shall I have a go at this here high-kicking?" "Yes, Nanny, you have a go at hitchhiking." "Right." "I don't think they can see me... at the side of the road, Duckypoos." "Maybe then can see you, but they think you're the Rockies." " Pardon?" " Never mind." "I'll get where they can't miss me." "No, no, no!" "Come on, you two." "He's stopped." "Milord." "Milord, the castle." "Look!" "That's my castle?" "I'd know that portcullis anywhere, milord." "I'm not quite sure why it's on the third floor... but it's your home right enough." "Oh, at last." "My feet are killing me." "It's a wonder I'm not killing you." "We'd have been here days ago... if we hadn't had to push that truck for 150 miles." "Yes." "Good job it wasn't heavy." "Wasn't hea..." "Oh, come on." "Hey." "Hey, you!" "Ruffles, or whatever your name is." "We want to get in." "Ruffles!" "Well, where is he?" "He ain't around, honey." "No, he's gone, that's why." "He's run off and left us with this heap of a castle." "Yeah, well, maybe it'll be nice inside." "We can't get inside." "I've been all the way around, and the only door is up near the roof." "Oh, well, now, my dear... that's just with it being 13th century Transylvanian... a very creative period." "Creative fiddlesticks." "You've been sold a pup, Tarquin K. Paintbrush." "You're a fool." "You always was a fool." "You was a fool when I married you, and you're a bigger fool now." "I was a fool when I married you." "You're right." "And just what do you mean by that?" "Oh, well, now, honey, look, I..." "Ah, so, got you at last." "Who, in the name of all that's repulsive, are you?" "He's my butler, that's who he is, you cheap fraud." "Oh, Tarquin!" "And don't think you're going to fool us..." " with those idiotic disguises." " Disguises?" "I suppose he's supposed to be a woman." "Tarquin, are you going to stand there and let him insult me." "No, he's going to stand there with his ear screwed to his kneecap." "Igor, that's not good enough." "Well, thank you." "Screw both his ears to his kneecaps." "That'll teach him to steal my castle." "Steal your castle?" "It's my castle." "It is His Lordship's ancestral home." "My husband bought that castle for real American money." "How could he buy it when I never sold it?" "Who else could he buy it fr..." " The builders!" "Ruffles!" " The builders!" "Ruffles!" "You castle-napper, you!" "You get down here!" "Oh, I wish I could, chief." " How do we get in?" " How do I get out?" " Milord." " Not now, Igor." "You just come out of there and keep your kneecaps over your head." " Milord, I fear that..." " Igor, will you leave this to me?" " I want my castle back." " My castle." "My castle!" "My castle!" "My castle!" "Not!" "Not!" "Not!" "Milord, I do wish you'd listen..." "Hey, what's going on?" "Dawn..." "Eastern Transylvanian Standard Time." "Oh, no!" "And so, as those hideous screams rent the air... we leave our thwarted threesome... to track their way to Transylvania." "Good night out there... whatever you are." "If you're feeling..." "Or you're kind of..." "Could be you've met up with" "Duckula" "If your knees go..." "And your teeth go..." "Maybe you've bumped into" "Duckula" "He flies through the night" "Looking for a bite" "But he's back home by daylight" "Duckula" "If you're sort of..." "Or you're a little..." "It's certain you've run into" "Duckula" "If your heart goes..." "Or your mind goes..." "Man, you had a brush with" "Duckula" "So watch out for the..." "Beware of the..." "And pray you'll never meet with" "Duckula" "Count Duckula"