"# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians" "# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights" "# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians" "# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times" "# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless" "# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages" "# Gory stories, we do that" "# And your host, a talking rat" "# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to... #" "In 1812, the Emperor of France, Napoleon Bonaparte, assembled a 600,000 strong army and invaded Russia, but only one in five of his soldiers survived." "Bonjour!" "If you are watching this, then you must have joined the French Army." "Vive Napoleon!" "Supercool." "Watch carefully, this survival guide might just save your life, mon frere." "In the French Army, you have to march up to 40 miles a day." "That's right, 40 miles a day!" "Zut alors!" "And we all know what that means - blisters!" "Big time!" "But don't worry, there is a solution." "Simply drop an egg into each of your boots." "Warning!" "Will not work on boots with holes." "Food can run short, especially if you're on the long march through the miserable Russian winter." "I wish I had not dropped those eggs into my boots now." "I'm so hungry I could eat an horse." "Well, that's good news, because that's what you will be eating." "If a cavalry horse dies, you will have to eat it just to survive." "In the smoke of battle, it is easy for the soldiers in the front ranks to be shot by the ranks behind them." "One quarter of all casualties in the French Army are shot by their own side." "Not cool!" "Ai, ai, ai!" "Mon derriere!" "Your best plan is to stand in the back row." "Oh, now he tells me!" "Ai, ai, ai!" "And, finally, Tip Quatre." "If you want to guarantee your survival in the French Army, simply pay someone to take your place." "Et voila!" "Now, if anyone asks, your name is Benoit, you're 32 years old and you're in charge." "You never saw that, right?" "!" "During his lifetime, Napoleon Bonaparte came up against some formidable opponents, but none as unusual as the one he faced in 1809." "Well, you join us here in Vienna at the climax of this thrilling encounter between keen chess player and part-time military genius," "Napoleon Bonaparte, and the extraordinary chess playing robot known as The Mechanical Turk." "Yes indeed, Stan." "Dramatic scenes here as Napoleon's really being tested by this strange machine." "Question on everyone's lips, how does it work?" "And it's the French General's move." "You play a fine game, my mechanical friend." "But I fear you have met your match." "There." "The Mechanical Turk's face is giving nothing away, largely because it doesn't move." "I can't see you getting out of this one." "And if I'm not much mistaken, that is checkmate." "He's done it!" "The Mechanical Turk has beaten the French Emperor, causing shockwaves here in Vienna." "What?" "No!" "How did you?" "No, he's not very happy about that." "He's stormed off." "The Mechanical Turk has the form of a chess Grandmaster." "Well, Stan, that's probably because there actually is a chess Grandmaster hidden inside it." "Ssh!" "It's our little secret." "Oh, my word!" "Ha-ha!" "That's right!" "The machine actually concealed a chess Grandmaster and fooled people for over 50 years." "Napoleon hated losing, which was a shame, because he was really rather good at it." "His final defeat was in a battle you might just have heard of." "Starring Napoleon Bonaparte as the Emperor of France," "The King of Italy, the Protector of the Rhine, and all the other things he called himself." "What?" "I like titles." "Waterloo, the story of how the little military genius from Corsica..." "Hey, hey, hey, less of the little, OK?" "I am actually average height for my era." "Took on the combined might of the British and Prussian forces." "The Prussians have arrived?" "Well, no-one told me." "Witness for yourselves one of the bloodiest battles of the Napoleonic wars." "I wish I could, I cannot see a thing, and it is not because I am short." "And learn for the very first time, the real reason for Napoleon's defeat." "General, what are your orders?" "I don't know, I can't see anything." "Perhaps if his Excellency were to climb upon his horse, he might get a better view of the battlefield." "I cannot." "I can give you a bunk up if you..." "No, it is not because I am short." "It is..." "Well..." "Piles?" "Piles of what?" "Look, I have a problem with my bum bum, very painful." "If I sit on my horse, it will be agony." "In fact, I think I am going to have to have a lie down." "But, sir, without your tactical brilliance, we will be easily defeated." "The Prussians are attacking our rear." "Must you mention rear!" "Waterloo!" "The story of how a great military leader's career came to an end." "Oh, please don't mention ends." "Thanks to a sore bottom." "And definitely do not mention bottoms." "Coming to a muddy field near Brussels, on Sunday 18th June, 1815." "How long is the film?" "About three hours." " Three hours?" " Yeah." "I'm never going to be able to sit through that." "Argh, the pain, the pain, the pain." "To us well-to-do Victorians, it really was very important to keep up with the ever-changing fashions." "Good day!" "Well, I must say, Gertrude, you're looking most well." "Thank you, my dear, and you are looking unnaturally wide." "Thank you." "In fact, you're looking very weirdly shaped indeed." "Oh, Gertrude, you are such a country bumpkin." "It's just the cut of the dress." "It's the very height of Victorian fashion." " Seriously?" " Absolutely." "Pulled in as tight as possible at the waist, with a corset, and then worn as wide as you dare at the bottom, to accentuate one's womanly curves." "I see." "Well, it's very..." "Yes." "Shall we make ourselves comfortable?" "Well, that might be tricky." "My dear, your staff appear to have accidentally placed all of your furniture into one room." "Oh, silly, silly Gertrude." "You're showing yourself up again, dear." "The more fancy furniture you have, the more lovely things you can display on them." "Whatever for?" "To show off how rich you are, of course." "Take this beautiful vase for example." "Ooh!" "Oh!" "Aah!" "Oh!" "Well, I suppose that's the high price of fashion." "At least, I didn't break my priceless 16th century vase." "Oh." "Ooh, Gertrude, I am feeling terribly faint." "Oh, my dear." "This corset is very tight, it's very tight indeed." "Ooh." "Well, I love what you've done with the place." "It's true!" "Yes, they didn't always think things through in Victorian times." "Sir Henry Bessemer was a great Victorian inventor, who used to get horribly seasick." "I feel dizzy." "I think I'm going to be sick." "Gangway!" "Urgh!" "So he decided to invent a special ship that wouldn't make anyone seasick." "He called his ship The Bessemer." "Built in 1875, it was fitted with a remarkable machine, which made the deck stay perfectly level during the voyage, no matter how much the sea went up and down." "That is marvellous!" "Simply marvellous!" "On The Bessemer's maiden crossing from Britain to France, the journey was so smooth that nobody felt sick." "It was an immense success, but there was just one small problem." "Henry had paid more attention to his anti-sickness engine, than to the steering." "The ship was almost impossible to turn." "It arrived in France with a loud..." "CRASH!" "Smashing right into the pier at Calais." "I feel dizzy, I think I'm going to be sick again." "Uh, bring a mop and bucket s'il vous plait." "Ooh." "The Emperor of Rome's personal security was called the Praetorian Guard, but they couldn't always be trusted to keep him safe." "Praetorian Guards, we are sworn to keep the Emperor safe and safe he shall stay." " Is that clear?" " Hoo haa!" "I didn't get a hoo haa from you." " Hoo Haa." " That's better." "Last year was a very bad year, Emperor Nero died on our watch." "But that's in the past." "This year we start again, clean sheet, or should I say clean toga, ha, ha." "That was a joke, calm down." "No more dead emperors, are you with me?" "Hoo haa!" "Hoo haa, sorry." "Hail, Galba, Emperor of Rome this year and for many years to come." "Hail, Galba!" " Hoo Haa." " Not this time!" "Right, slight change of plan, exactly what I said before, protect the Emperor." "Hail, Otto, Emperor of Rome." "Hail, Otto!" "Hang on, I thought you said the Emperor's name was Galba." "It was, but he's been killed." " I thought you said no more dead emperors." " Starting from now." "Hang on, shouldn't we be avenging Galba's death?" "Well, not so much." "It was us Praetorians what killed him." "Bit embarrassing I know, but let's move on." "OK, so same plan as before, different emperor." "We Praetorian Guards don't seem very good at this keeping the Emperor alive thing." "Hail, Otto, Emperor of Rome." "Hail, Otto!" "Ugh!" "No, he's dead too, but it wasn't us this time, he killed himself." "Ooh, hoo haa." "So, to recap, protect the emperor, all right?" "That's three emperors we've lost in 12 months, no more!" "We must keep Emperor Vitellius safe if it's the last thing we, ugh!" "Oh, Emperor Vitellius has decreed that all Praetorian Guards should get a pay rise." " Really?" " Nah, not really." "He's dead too." "Hail Emperor Vespasian." " Hoo haa!" " Whoever." "That's right, there were four emperors in 69AD, with three of them dying horribly." "When Emperor Vitellius was killed, his body was shoved in the sewer, and that's just shocking!" "Some of us live in the sewers." "I mean, I wouldn't chuck a dead body into your home, huh!" "Well, unless I've sicked up a fly I suppose." "Yes, those Romans sure got through a lot of emperors, which meant they needed to keep changing their statues." "Hi, I'm a shouty man and I'm here to tell you about New Emperor Statue!" "The hail anywhere likeness of your favourite Roman emperor." "New Emperor Statue can be placed anywhere." "In the marketplace, in the temple or even in the marketplace." "But that's not all, is it?" "No." "Due to the high murder rate of Roman emperors, four in one year in 193AD," "New Emperor statue comes with everything you need to keep your Roman figurine completely up to date." "Old emperor stabbed in the back?" "Good!" "Because you can make your statue look like the new emperor, thanks to these incredible swappable heads." "Laters!" "Warrior emperor replaced by a bookworm?" "No problem, just remove his spear holding hand and replace with a book holding one." "Whoa!" "He looks more cleverer already." "Commodus, Pertinax, Didius Julianus, Septimius Severus, etcetera." "Yes, swappable heads, hands and legs means your statue can go on looking like the current emperor for years or longer." "So, for an emperor statue that looks just like a statue of the emperor, it can only be New Emperor Statue." "Bit of help, please." "Chill out, dude, we're still recording." "Are we cut?" "Can we get an ambulance?" "You're through to Historical Dates, perfect matches, reasonable rates." "Yes, sir, I'm sure we can help you find a new wife." "Have you been married before?" "Ooh, twice." "No, that won't be a problem, sir, as long as you didn't murder them." "You did." "Right, yes, that will be a problem." "OK, bye, Emperor Nero." "You'd have to be totes desperate to go out with that one." "Should have given him your number." "Oh, shut up, Karen, I'm not desperate." "Shut up!" "You so are." "There you are, Your Majesty." " Adorable." " What's your name?" "James Hamilton, Second Earl of Arran." "I seek a suitable marriage partner." "I'm sure we'll have no trouble finding you a wife." " Oh, it's not for me, it's for the baby." " Oh." "She's my cousin, Mary Queen of Scots." "Her daddy was James V of Scotland, but uh, he died when she was just six days old." "That's awful." "You're telling me, I was heir to the throne until this wee one came along." "All of a sudden, she's Queen of Scotland, only I have to run the country while she's too busy trying to suck her own toes." "Oh, what a clever little queeny." "You don't think she's a bit young to be looking for a long-term partner?" " Well, she's been engaged for six months." " Engaged?" " Aye, to Edward." " And how old is he?" " Six." " He's six years old!" "I'll admit there's a bit of an age gap, but they've so much in common, what with Mary being Queen of Scotland and Edward being heir to the English throne." "Well, they do sound well-matched." "Where did they meet then, on a royal play date?" "No, we're at war with the English." "That is not such a promising start to a relationship." "Well, we thought it'd be nice to get the two wee bairns together, but uh, the people of Scotland were no' happy, so we called the whole thing off." "What's Edward going to say?" "If he's six years old, I expect he'll mainly talk about bogies." "I'm more worried about what his father's going to say." "Right, where is she?" "Why did you call off the engagement to Edward?" "He's a catch, just like his father, he-he." "I'm Henry, by the way." "Ha, ha." "So, is this marriage back on?" "No?" "We can do this the easy way or the hard way." "Please say the hard way." "I'm sorry, Henry." "The people of Scotland will never accept an English king." "Yes!" "War it is." "I'm going to raze Edinburgh to the ground, just you see if I don't." "Goodbye." "Ooh, it smells like someone needs changing." " And I don't think it's the baby." " No." "The plan to unite England and Scotland through the marriage of Edward VI and Mary Queen of Scots didn't work out." "But when Elizabeth I died," "James VI of Scotland also became James I of England, bringing together the two countries at last." "However, he also brought with him his family's rotten luck." "# I bet you think the Stuarts were an English dynasty" "# But we only came to England when the crown belonged to me" "# Our clan may hail from Scotland" "# But our tale's not a bonny one You'll see" "# We got the Blue Blooded Blues" "# In our blue Stuart shoes" "# Each king, queen and heir had our personal nightmare" "# Have you read the news?" "# We got the Blue Blooded Blues" "# Let's start with me King Robert III" "# Some say I was a fool" "# Once fell off my horse and hurt myself quite badly, how uncool" "# Ended up with a limp and limp was what they called my rule... #" "And I'll tell you for why." "# We got the Blue Blooded Blues" "# Strapping sons, he had two" "# One imprisoned, starved in jail" "# The other captured, epic fail" "# "The worst of Kings" my review" "# I got the Blue Blooded Blues" "# The next five Stuarts all called James" "# But none was Lucky Jim" "# James I hid down a sewer" "# Got caught by assassins" "# James II was less unpopular" "# But killed by his own canon so pretty dim... #" "And it doesn't end there." "You're not wrong!" "# We got the Blue Blooded Blues" "# So many ways to lose" "# III and IV killed in battle" "# V lost a war and that'll..." "# Explain why we don't enthuse" "# About those Stuart clan blues... #" "Sing it, Mary." "Go on, girl!" "# I'm Mary Queen of Scots" "# And misfortune, I had lots" "# To Queen Liz, I was a threat" "# She threw me into prison" "# Yet still accused me of plotting" "# Can you see where I'm headed?" "# Liz is a Tudor, take a guess... #" " Beheaded?" " Yeah." "# Well, after Queen Liz died" "# I was made King of England too" "# Became James I in England" "# But the Stuart luck stayed true" "# Guy Fawkes tried to blow me up" "# And turn me into Stuart stew" "# One more time!" "# Yeah!" "# We got the Blue Blooded Blues" "# Not the role that you'd choose" "# With my son Charles a decapitee" "# We briefly killed off royalty" "# Stuart moaners, it's true" "# Cursed with the Blue Blooded Blues. #" "That's what I'm talking about." "To win a war against the Germans, we had to outsmart them, and I'm not very smart." "So thank heavens for Military Intelligence, Section five, better known as MI5, who were responsible for outsmarting the enemy." "Carry on!" "No, I'm afraid it's all very hush, hush." "Goodbye." "Agent Gibbons, I wasn't expecting you." "No, of course not, sir." "That's why I'm the best secret agent in MI5." "You were the best secret agent in MI5." "Were?" "Are we talking in code, sir?" "No." "Our new top secret mission, codename Mincemeat, requires a range of skills that simply you do not have." "Meet Major Mud." "Oh, his disguise is incredible, he looks just like a dead tramp." "Oh, hello!" "He is a dead tramp." "You're not seriously suggesting that a dead tramp could do a better job than me." "Well, he's very good at keeping secrets." "Speak English, man!" "You see, not a peep." "Look at that stiff upper lip." "But that's rigor mortis." "Major Martin here will be swimming across the sea." " Uh, swimming?" " Well, more floating, really." "We're hoping that by chance somebody will fish out the floating body and find these plans, which claim we shall be invading Greece and Sardinia." "Now, when the Germans head there, we shall of course be invading here, Sicily." "But why would anyone believe plans carried by a dead tramp?" "Because, my dear Gibbons, we shall be disguising him, as Major Martin of the Royal Marines." "Hester!" "Here you go, sir." "And for extra believability," "I took the liberty of writing him some love letters." "And it just so happens that we have a very important job for you, Gibbons." "Spiffing." "I'd do anything for King and country, sire." "I want you to strip this tramp naked, give him a full body wash and then dress him." "I don't suppose you're talking in code now, sir." "Good luck, Gibbons." "That's true!" "MI5 really did use a dead body to trick the Germans." "Major Martin or, as I like to call him, Corporal Corpse." "Hmm." "And if you think that story's unbelievable, wait until you hear what the residents of Berlin ended up eating during World War II." "'Five eager chefs, five historical eras, but just one prize." "'Who will be crowned Historical MasterChef?" "'" "This competition is going to be war!" "No offence to anyone who's been in an actual war." "'Hilda Schmidt is a housewife from Berlin in the Second World War.'" "So, Hilda, what have you got for us?" "I am serving duck." "Doesn't look much like duck." "Doesn't taste much like duck." "That is because it is not duck, it is mock duck." "So the war has been on for a few years now and the food supplies in Berlin have all but run out, so we have to make do with what we can get." "So this duck, it is actually made with sausage meat, apples, onions and sage." "It's not bad, but it's not duck." "What's duck normally made from?" "'Hilda's fake starter hasn't gone down too well, except with Hilda." "'But she's optimistic her main course will impress the judges.'" "What's that, Hilda?" "Oh, this is goose in cream sauce, with potatoes." "Mock goose?" "Ja." "Made of potatoes with apples and cheese." "So basically, it's just potatoes." "Ja, in a cream sauce." "Mock cream?" "Ja." "Made from margarine, milk powder und sugar." "It's not half bad." "Could do with more sugar." " You think everything needs more sugar." " That's cos everything does." "Five minutes, people." "Five minutes, Hilda!" "'In an unprecedented move on Historical MasterChef," "'Hilda is eating her main course and starting again from scratch.'" "OK, guys, meals of food onto plates." "So, Hilda, talk us through your plate of meal." "So, this is rhino, this is tiger und this is gorilla." "Mock rhino, what do you make that out of, acorns and dog's mess?" "Nein, nein, nein." "This is real rhino, from a real rhino." "I'm sorry, you can't eat that, that's too rare." "Uh, would you prefer it well done?" "No, I mean rhino's too rare, as are gorillas and tigers." "Listen, Liebling, meat is rare in World War II Berlin, you eat what you can get." "Where did you get these animals from?" "Uh, the zoo." "The residents of Berlin have killed and eaten most of the zoo animals." "So, if you're not going to eat it, do you mind?" "Thank you." "Hilda, I've had some pretty unacceptable food served up to me in this kitchen over the last few years, but rhino, tiger and gorilla steak are an all-time low." "However, we are putting you through to the next round cos I'd like to see you eat some proper food." " Oh!" " Congratulations." "Thank you." "The answer is B, but it wasn't long before the ban on executions was lifted." "In the Middle Ages, executions were public events and sometimes could get pretty rowdy." "Oh, Thomas of Lancaster, you have been brought to this place in the snows of winter, to have your head struck from your body." "Are you ready to meet your fate?" "I am." "And as I leave this world, let my family know that I faced my sentence with grea..." "Dignity and grace." "I am a proud man who has done his duty." "Right, who threw that?" "I'm about to die here, do you really think this is an appropriate time for a snowball fight?" "I take that as a yes." "Agh, that's gone right down my neck." "I hate it when that happens, shivers down your...agh!" "Right, no, right, no, you stop that." "You'd think an execution would be entertainment enough." "I think they're making a snowman." "So do you want to do this quickly, while they're busy?" "Agh, some dignity at last." "This is how I, Earl Thomas of Lancaster, shall be remembered." "Um, when you're done, can we borrow your head for our snowman?" " Who, me?" " Yeah." "Um, yeah, I won't be using it." "Cheers, thanks." "There really was a snowball fight at the execution of Earl Thomas of Lancaster." "And his wasn't the only stupid death in the Middle Ages, I can tell you." "# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths" "# They're funny cos they're true Woo!" "# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths" "# Hope next time it's not you. # Ha, hee." "Ooh, daduh, dadee, daduh, dadee, daduh, dadee, dee dee." "Ah, that's more like it." "Nothing like a good spring clean." "What's that?" "Oh, yes, it does smell a lot better now, doesn't it?" "The scent of open flowers, no less." "Hee." "Right, let's get on with it." "Next!" "Oh, heavens above!" "Oh, lummy, I've just cleaned that floor." "Sorry." "Sorry about all the..." "Sorry." "And you are?" "Uh, Richard the Raker, gong farmer." "Hmm-mm, my card." "Urgh!" "I know this is a long shot, but is gong another word for something smelly?" "Yes." "Is it poo?" "It is poo!" "In the Middle Ages, toilets used to empty directly into a cesspit beneath, and when they were full, my job was to empty them out, hence gong farmer." "Nice work, if you can get it." "Not!" "Oh, because it's not, yeah." "Yeah." "Nah, it's not." "Anyway, uh, one day I fell through a toilet floor and drowned in the cesspit beneath." "Ooh, that's weird, don't seem to find that that funny." "Must be losing my mojo." "Well, I suppose it's just an occupational hazard in your line of work, isn't it?" "That's the ironic thing, in fact, it was actually my day off." "I fell through my own toilet floor and drowned in my own gong." "You du, you du..." "Ha-ha-ha!" " There's the doozy." " Yeah." "I knew it'd come." "Do you know, in my list of favourite stupid deaths, that's got to be number two!" "Ha-ha!" "Cos it rhymes with poo." " No, it's a clever joke." " Thanks a lot." "You're through to the afterlife." "The showers are on the left, just on your way in." "I could probably do with a bit of a, whoo!" "Yeah, tell us about it." " Bit of a spritz." "Ooh." " All right, all right, off you pop." "Bye!" "Look at the mess he's made on the floor there." "Haven't got a mop either." "Um, listen, you wouldn't mind if I flipped you upside down and used you, would you?" "Ooh, after all I've done for you." "She won't be with us next season." "Next!" "# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths" "# Hope next time it's not you. # Ho-hoo!" "# Tall tales, atrocious acts" "# We gave you all the fearsome facts... #" "If you enjoyed that, why not play the new" "ADBC Time Tour music game?" "Go to the CBBC Website and click on Horrible Histories." "Rock on!" "# The past is no longer a mystery" "# Hope you enjoyed..." "# Horrible Histories. #" "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd"