"I'm such a total loser..." "My girlfriend and I broke up," "I live in a tent..." "Plus, I feel sick enough to actually get checked out, and guess who's on call?" "I don't look right..." "What?" "What is it?" "You have a penis." "Or...that's what I think it is..." "It's a penis." "Fair enough." "Noobie, go ahead and give me that blood test." "I wasn't the only one suffering." "Turk's intern, Milos, was driving him nuts." "See, Milos was already an accomplished surgeon in his war-torn homeland, but he still had to re-do his residency here." "Ok, everyone, let's take a look at that subcuticular stitch on Mr. Rodd's chest" "That is beautiful." "We could all learn from whatever attending did that." "It was me." "Would you like to take break?" "I finish taking frightened bunnies on arounds." "No, Milos, i would not like to take a break!" " I'm absolutely fine right here, thank you!" " Ok, fine." "You know what?" "Everyone head down observation and check on Mr. Foley's arm reattachment." "What?" "You think you can't learn from seeing an actual arm reattachment, Milos?" "I reattach child's arm once." "In rusty shell of car." "I can still see their bodies, their littered streets..." "It's my country...burn...to ground." "Milos is so lucky." "Turk!" "You're the only one in the world who would think that!" "Milos is so lucky." "That's what I'm saying!" "Brown bear, I think I've spent so much time on the ladies, and I feel my whole life's in the crapper." "Naah, man, you'll turn this around." "Here goes Buzz and Donna, off to the marriage counselor." "Buzz feels an eudicot because he lost his job at Foot Locker." "Now he's ding on one work." "I should not have given you" " the spy equipment for yout birthday." " Are you kidding me?" "I need it, so I know when I can sneek over and use the can." "And by the way, I'm using the front bathroom, now, because there's a hook on the door," " So I can hang on my pants." " Haaah!" " Why?" "Have you started listening to me?" " You're right, my friend, man is the only" " animal that wears pants during toosies." " This is so unnatural." "Noobie's test result came back." "He's got Vasovagal Syncope." "And that makes you happy?" "If he's vigorously Valsalva he can activate his reflex and actually lose consciousness." "Carla...he'd pass out when he pooes!" "Buzz..." "Donna..." "I was counseling." "Uh, what if you mind handing me my cheenos?" "Turk, I need help..." "Buzz is maaaad..." "Oh, I read up on Vasovagal Syncope the treat goes after workup on reducing my stress." "At least Buzz agreed not to call the cops if I don't tell al the other neighbors Donna's bare end." " Damn, dude, you've got to play it rough." " You hear that, everybody?" "I do have it rough, and that's coming from a man who knows a tinsy about adversity." " And why is that, Turk?" " Ah...because I'm black." "No, because you have diabetes, what's hard about being black?" "Hey ya, my name is Bob Kelso and i like whores." "Now, why don't I introduce myself like that?" "Because there is a time and a place for the truth." "Uhm, you take Dorian's intern, Brandon, for example." "He told his patient that it was the first time he was performing a spinal tamp." "And what did the patient do, doctor?" "Ah, well...uhm...she-she started hyperventilate... a-a-and then she reached fora hit of what she thought was an oxygen tank... it turned to be a helium container from pediatrics... then she screamed" "I'll kill you bitcheeees!" "which frankly we all thought was hilarious." "Oh, and did it was, but you know what wasn't?" "When she ran through the door, tripped, and fell, and broke her femor." "Now she's suing the hospital." "And since Ted is our lawyer, what's goin' to happen?" "Girlfriend's gonna get paiiiid!" "So you called this meeting" " to say we should lie more?" " Sorry about that, Bobo, but I'm gonna go and tell the truth whenever i damn will, please." "For instance, your tie." "It's hideous, in fact its only redeeming quality is to divert attention from the very visible outline of...your man-girdle." " Too mean." " Sorry." "Hey." "Have fun in the next couple days, I'm going on vacation." " And you're taking a mop?" " Yeah, it's a custodial cruise." "Pretty cool, huh?" "Check this out." "I'ts really a great package, for guys like me." "Guests have the option of cleaning their own rooms." "Where else you gonna get that?" "There's a shuffleboard with urinal cakes, instead of the discs...that's funny!" "No way!" "Special appearance by Pat Herrington, Schneider from "One day at a time"." "Huh-hah!" "He's gonna be there signing work boots!" " There'll be any chicks in there?" " No maids allowed." "You know how janitors feel about maids." " I do now." "Anyway, Todd and Ted are gonna get 20 bucks from me to tape you to the ceiling of the cafeteria, tomorrow." "And I'm telling you this because I figure you're very zoned out and stopped listening to me, am I right?" "I don't know what the janotor had said, but I feel like things are looking up." "He's leaving, plus I have friends who are more than happy to be there for me." "Ok, I've been taking care of JD all week, it's now up to one of you guys." "Go ahead, honey, use your new go-to-excuse." "I can't." "I have a baby!" "Hey, i have responsabilities, too, ok?" "I mean, Keith and I are still in a stage of our relationship where I don't hate having sex with him, and I would like to keep that going." "Elliot, as for the last ten years getting JD to breakups and emotional spirals" "I have had sex with him, you 'd have to do that?" "Well, I'll see you'll step outside and handle this like we used to, back in my day." "Muskets?" "Bedpan race!" "Put your bedpans on, Elliot." " I thought we wer carrying them." " Put 'em on!" "Last one down gets to take care of JD!" "Ready?" "Go!" "This is a hospital!" "Keep it quiet!" "Yuhuhuhuuu!" "Ooh!" "There ain't no rules in bedpan race." "Fuck!" "I'm totally excited to be here, buddy, let's start talkin' about your life." "Ok, first I have to go to the bathroom." "Do me a favour?" "Tie this string around your wrist." "If you feel it tug, that means I'm down." " Run in and check on me." " Mm-mmh." "How is Izzy doing?" "Wow, look at you remembering my daughter's name." "Tom, your short term memory is getting better." "No, I had the nurses write some stuff down, you see..." "Apparently, I like bananas..." "And...wow, am I getting more surgery tomorrow?" "You have a small bowel obstruction, basically the shrapnel in your stomach has caused scar tissue to form." "In Iraq we prefer to think of shrapnel as internal body bling." "Wow, then bling bling, eh eh eh." "So, humm, have any of your patients ever died from this procedure?" "Oh, yeah... a couple of years ago." "A guy had a bad reaction to anesthesia, but that's not gonna happen to you." "You know what?" "We should have a nurse write that down." "I like bananas." "You shouldn't have told him the truuth...uuth, uuth, uuth... uuth, uuth, uuth..." " Doctor Kelso." " ...uuth..." "You can "uuth" all you want but I'm not gonna BS Brian. [BackStab]" "Look, JD, we all have low moments in our lives..." "Well, in high school I had this amazing teacher, Mr. Higgins, and he was funny, and inspiring, I mean he was like a second father to me." "And then, one day I found out that he was sleeping with his students, and I was crashed, I mean:" "why not me?" "You know, and it wasn't my lazy eye, because that was fixed by prom." "Anyway, eventually I realized that your troubles don't seem so bad if you just stop talkin' about them all the time." "You know what else sucks about my life?" "Now even my neighbours are screwing my head." "You called about a wolf?" "A wolf?" "No." "Someone called 911 at that phone claiming there's a wolf in this yard." "This has "Buzz" written all over it." "He's upset with me, but he won't talk about it because his peep won't perform." "He pooped in our house!" "I don't know why he can't get past that." "Oh!" "Auh!" "Whoever has the other end of this string, that's not funny!" "Wow, my boobs do look good when they're wet, don't they?" "." "Yeah, they do." "Then we'll make the laparoscopic incision right..." "Here." "Todd, anything to add?" "Your nipples are stunning." "Hey, thanks brother." "It's making me look sad that he had to answer to you." "Interns, disperse." "Well, God'll thank me later." "Cyber-five!" " Sent!" " Dude!" "That guy is such a meathead." "Come on, I thought all you surgeons were a bunch of brainiacs." "I'm sure you got straight A since pre-school, right?" "Are you kidding me?" "My gilfriend wasn't the only one with 34 C's, if you know what I'm saying!" "No." "Yeah, I was an average student." " JD, you should not drive." " I've only had 2 Appletinis." "JD, I know when you're tipsy you always get super-handsy." "You know what?" "You're right." "Looks like I'm smuggling raisings." "I'm close by, I'll just push my scooter home." "And now, for a little radio." " Welcome to sportstown!" " Wheew!" "Aaah, much better." "Ah, Billy." "After the Arctic and the Pacific, you're my favourite Ocean!" "Dr. Kelso, what the hell!" "Why are you taking me off the Brian surgery?" "Oh, since you told him you were just an average student, he doesn't want you to do it anymore." "And for extra fun, guess who I got to replace you." "Ki-hello." "I guess you should have followed my advice...ice..ice." "I come back." "Finish later." "Carl, are you there?" "What?" "There'd better be a wolf, this time." "Oh, I'm not the person who called." "Wait, have you been drinking?" "A little, alright?" "But I wasn't driving." "There's a key in your ignition." "In this State, that's drinking and driving." "Officer, we both know you're not gonna hold me in for that." "So, how was prison?" "Were you scared?" "Actually, my cellmates were a little scared to me." "That's so uncool, man." "Why'd he hang up his pants?" "After I became a member of the gang, I even got the up initiate new members." "You like that, you punk ass bitch?" "Take it!" "Wonderful stay in touch!" "Turkleton, be afraid to stop by Brian surgery and check out..." "Dr. Radovicnouizicioiuizciniciz operating skills." "Unlike you, he understands the importance of good grades." "Look, Carla, eventually it'll get out so I'm just gonna tell everybody I got an S.U.I.." "Scooting Under the Influence?" "Are you crazy?" "Keep that to yourself!" "Shoosh!" "May I have everyone's attention, please?" "The reason Turk didn't want me to say anything was beacuse this had just happened." "You know those 2 upstairs, who got hit by the drunk driver?" "The daughter's gonna make it, but the mom died." "Anyway, back to the present." "Last night I got arrested for drunk driving." "Oooh!" "But I swear you all that this is not a big deal." "No, he did it." "And suddenly I knew what it felt like to be universally despised." "Fire!" "Aaaah!" "Does some of you know I'm not a huge fan of fire, ok?" "So why don't we talk this out?" "I'll go first." "Carl, obviously I owe you an apology." "I ate your daughter's face." " Aaaaaagh!" " Auauauaaaagh!" "Uncool, Carl!" "Knock down with the fire!" "Ok, in here we have Mrs. Frank, who is in rhino-failure, a-- and over here we have Dr. TurtleHead, who is suffering from a severe case of..."the Salkys"" "Symptoms include bad posture, moppy face, and a sudden uncontrollable flailing of the upper extremities." "Is it possible I've misdiagnosed this modality?" " No..." " There it is." "That a boy!" "Beat it." "All of ya!" "I can't lie to a patient" " 'cause Dr. Kelso wants me to." " See that guy in there?" "He has pancreatic cancer, and you and I both know he's...a conor." "But if he'd have come out here and ask if he has hope, what am I supposed to say? "No"?" " So you're saying I should lie?" " Of course not." "See, see that guy over there?" "Now, the only way he's ever gonna walk again is if he goes through years of painful phisical therapy, but if he'd wish to come over here and ask me "is it gonna be hard?"" "I'd tell him "Damn skippy it's gonna be hard!"." "Gandhi, you've got to tell your patients the truth." "Now is that brain of yours starting to hurt?" "It should, because it's not as large as a normal size brain." "Listen carefully:" "Kelso lies selfishly and indiscriminately; you, you gotta draw your own lie." "This is heaven Ibuprofen, it's just the perfect dose for your pea-size brain, take it after I leave, you'll save yourself the embarassment." "Dr. Dorian." "I promised the Janitor I'd show you this email." "Can you guys look away?" "I need to enter my password." "Alligator...three...ok, you can look now." "A-hoy!" "That's my update to my trip." "Yesterday we took over the ship!" "AAAH!" "We captured the boat people and tied 'em up pirate-style." "Now we can do whatever we want, including this." "Watch!" "Anithing goes, man!" "I gotta go, it's my turn to steer." "Woooow!" "Step on it guys!" "Uhm, hey, thinkin' about you, hope everithing's doing well for you." "It's not." "I can't even convince the voice in my head that things are gonna turn around." "What do you want me to say, man?" "Hey, come on, buddy, we'll cheer you up." "Come on." "There you are." "You've gotta help pull JD out of this spiral." "Any other day I'd say no, but today I'm gonna go ahead and just say no." "He took care of you when you were bawling on your couch drinking scotch like it was vodka." "I accidentally killed 3 people." "He got arrested for pushing a scooter and he passes out when he pooes." " Ok, you're going to help him." " But just answer me this one question:" "after six long years, aren't you getting tired of taking care of him?" "Of course we are but....we're his friends." "I heard every word." "See, unfortunately," "I had forgotten that Ted and Todd were under Janitorial orders to tape me to the ceiling." "But forgetting things isn't always bad." "So, Dr. Turk, You're signed to do my surgery today?" "What?" "!" "In fact, it could give you a second chance." "Doc-tape five!" "That guy is such a meathead." "I always thought you surgeons were a bunch of brainiacs." "I'm sure you got straight A since pre-school, right?" "A second chance to define who you truly are." "Are you kidding?" "My gilfriend wasn't the only one with 34 C's, hear what I'm saying!" "Still don't know what I'm saying..." " I was an average student." " Really?" "But when I realized I wanted to be a surgeon I got my act together." "Brian, if I didn't think i was the right person to perform this operation," "I wouldn't do it." " Ok?" " Ok." "During those two hours I was stuck to the ceiling," "I witnessed some pretty clear things." "I'll see you tonight, Dan." "But mostly I witnessed the greatest hits of my own self-pity." "Can't get Dr. Cox to notice me." "I'm dating my best friend, but...." "I don't think I love her." "I'm lonely." "I'm a loser." "Gotta helpe me out." " Help me out." " Help me." "And I understood how my friends felt, because I couldn't stand it for 2 hours, but along 6 years..." "I wash it every day, I condition, but just can't get them where I want it." "For the love of God!" "Mousse and twist!" "Don't you have something you wanna say?" "Listen, I would really like it if you..." "would go and grab a beer with me, what... what do you say?" "And even though I'd finally gotten the totally-sip-sears mountanious invite from Dr. Cox," "I knew my answer." "No, thanks." "I've plans." "Thank you, God." "Guess that stockouts." "I didn't have plans, but I had a whole new perspective." "You can stay to your convinctions, and hopefully get rewarded." "Ok, everybody, I want everyone to stay focused, good work today, nothing but your best, are we clear?" "Even if other people end up a little peeved." "AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" "This will only make you stronger!" "And yeah, my life was still in the crapper, but it felt good to finally deal with it on my own." "Ok, keep walking , fake loose, if he calls the cops now, nobody's coming." "Time for phase 3 of operation "boy who cry wolf"" "Jason, we've worked on this all doing great." "Here's what you think:" "I'm lost in the city." "I'm hungry!" "And this is the guy whokilled mymom with a snow-mobile!" "Make you believe it." "There he is!" "Bad wolfie!" "Bad wolfie!" "Wow-ouch!" "Not in the face!" "Not in the face!" "Just don't get in it!" "Wrong guy!" "Match you should note!" "Yeah, things were finally looking up."