"(THE FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEBEE PLAYING)" "JOE:" "Once upon a time, many years ago, two burglars broke into our neighbors' house in Rockaway." "Mr. and Mrs. Needleman had gone to a movie." "And the following events occurred." "(FRANTIC WHISPERING)" "(PHONE RINGS)" "MAN 1:" "You think we should answer the phone?" "MAN 2:" "Are you crazy?" "You wanna wake up the whole neighborhood?" "Hello?" "You, Mr. Marty Needleman, have been chosen from the telephone book to..." "Guess that tune!" "(DRAMATIC CHORD)" "Jesus." "(SNATCH OF DANCE MUSIC)" "Can you tell us what is the tune the orchestra is playing?" "I can't hear it." "Find the radio and turn it on!" " What's goin' on?" " Shh." "I can't hear." "What are you doin'?" "I think I know it." "Jesus!" "(HUMS ALONG TO TUNE)" "Dancing in the dark" "Dancing in the Dark." "That's right!" "And now for question two on the way to the grand jackpot." "Here's the tune." "Are you all mine..." "No, no." "Chi..." "Chinatown..." "Chinatown, My Chinatown." "HOST:" "That's correct!" "And now the chance for the grand jackpot with all the prizes!" "This one is not so easy, so get ready." "(THE SAILOR'S HORNPIPE PLAYING)" "It sounds familiar." "I don't..." "I know that one." "I know it from my father." " What?" " The Sailor's Hornpipe." " Huh?" " The Sailor's Hornpipe." "The Sailor's Hornpipe?" "That's right!" "Mr. Marty Needleman, you've won the grand jackpot!" "Ah!" "I'm rich!" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "We won!" "JOE:" "That night, the Needlemans returned home and were shocked to find a ransacked apartment with $50 and some silverware missing." "But the following morning, a truck arrived." "(THE SAILOR'S HORNPIPE PLAYING)" "(SINGING) Let's all sing like the birdies sing" "Tweet, tweet-tweet tweet-tweet" "JOE:" "Now I love old radio stories, and I know a million of 'em." "I've collected 'em down the years, like a hobby." "Anecdotes and gossip, and inside stories about the stars." "I recall so many personal experiences from when I grew up and listened to one show after another." "This girl singing used to be a favorite at my house, one of many." "Now it's all gone." "Except for the memories." "The scene is Rockaway." "The time is my childhood." "It's my old neighborhood, and forgive me if I tend to romanticize the past." "I mean, it wasn't always as stormy and rain-swept as this." "But I remember it that way because that was it at its most beautiful." "In those days the radio was constantly playing at our house." "My mother, for instance, never missed her favorite show," "Breakfast With Irene and Roger." "WOMAN ON RADIO:" "Good morning, darling." "Pass the orange juice." "MAN ON RADIO:" "There you go." "Quite an opening night we attended last night, wasn't it?" "WOMAN:" "Yes, wasn't it divine?" "Everyone was there, from Rodgers and Hart to Cole Porter." "JOE:" "Two completely different worlds." "While my mother stood over the dirty plates," "Irene and Roger ate their elegant breakfast from their chic Manhattan town house, while they chatted charmingly about people and places we only dreamt of." "ROGER:" "You look marvelous, darling." "Tomorrow morning we'll tell you all about it, and also about the new Moss Hart play, which I hear is just divine." "This is Irene Draper..." "And Roger Daly, saying, have us for breakfast tomorrow and every morning, and have a wonderful day." "JOE:" "My own personal favorite show was called The Masked Avenger, who I fantasized was a cross between Superman and Cary Grant." "Little did I know..." ""...while I was on the scene?"" ""It's the Masked Avenger!"" ""It's off to jail for you." ""I hope you'll enjoy making license plates."" "JOE:" "I'd like to tell you of the Masked Avenger secret-compartment ring, and how it turned me to crime." "But first you have to meet me." "And my family." "There I am in my Masked Avenger hat and goggles, which I got off my friend in a trade." "And then there were my father and mother, two people who could find an argument in any subject." "Wait a minute!" "You think the Atlantic is a greater ocean than the Pacific?" "No." "Have it your way." "The Pacific is greater." "JOE:" "I mean, how many people fight over oceans?" "Then there was my Uncle Abe." "He kept bringing home fish from his friends who worked at Sheepshead Bay." "Ceil, I'm home!" "Ceil, I got fish." "I got great fish today." "What do we need more fish for?" "JOE:" "And my Aunt Ceil, who dreamed of a more exciting life than having to fillet his flounder." "They're fresh fish!" "He has friends at Oscar's Dock, so he can't spend one day there where they don't load him up with fish!" "You don't like it, take the gas pipe!" "JOE:" "Next there was Grandpa and Grandma." "Every morning he spent a half hour packing her into her corset." "I'm pulling, I'm pulling!" "A woman in her 70's, and her bosom is still growing!" "JOE:" "Abe and Ceil's daughter was Cousin Ruthie, who entertained herself by listening to the neighbors on the party line." "Mrs. Waldbaum's having her ovaries out!" "Both, or one?" "Get off the line, okay?" "Stop listening in on my phone!" "Stop snooping on us!" "All right, all right!" "Don't get your bowels in an uproar!" "Nobody's snooping." "Oh, yeah?" "My wife hears her breathing." "And she giggles!" "Hey, Waldbaum!" "You think we care what goes on in your house?" "Let them take her ovaries out!" "What's it our business?" "JOE:" "Mrs. Waldbaum had a steel plate in her head." "It was said she couldn't walk near magnets." "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)" "Finally, there was Aunt Bea, who only wanted to get married." "This is a lindy." "My dancing teacher gave me this great new step for it." " Hey, Tess?" " Uh-huh?" "Tess, I can't decide if I should take my vacation on a cruise or go to the mountains." "I mean, the men are richer on a cruise, but there's more of them in the resorts." "What do you think, Tess?" "Well, I met my husband at a mountain resort, so I advise you to go on a cruise." "That's very funny." "Can we get back to my idea?" "We buy cultured pearls." "We box 'em here in velvet, and we sell them mail order." "I can get a good price." "You were in jewelry." "It didn't work." "We got stuck with the rhinestone earrings." "You don't have a business head." "We got stuck with mail-order parts, you tried seeds, then you lost money selling greeting cards." "We have 6,000 "Get Well" cards in the closet!" "There aren't that many sick people in America!" "Forget it." "I'll spend the rest of my life at the job I do." "There's nothing wrong with it." " What do you do, Dad?" " None of your business." "All my friends know what their dads do." "Don't you have any homework?" "Got 15 cents for a Masked Avenger ring?" "What am I, made of money?" "TESS:" "Pay attention to your school work, and less to the radio!" "You always listen to the radio." "It's different." "Our lives are ruined already." "You still have a chance to grow up and be somebody." "Think I want you workin' at the job I do?" "I don't know what your job is." "You gotta get an education." "While I'm getting it, can I get the ring?" "We don't have money to waste." "You think we all like living together?" "We'd like to save up, maybe have another child." "Your father works all day like a horse supporting everybody..." "At what?" "He's a big butter-and-egg man." "What do you mean, our lives are ruined?" "I didn't mean "ruined" ruined." "We're poor but happy." "But definitely poor." "Isn't this a beautiful sea bass?" "Who wants to join me, hmm?" "JOE:" "By now, you've probably guessed that the Masked Avenger ring meant a lot to me." "Well, it did." "Because they were gold and mysterious, and they fit any finger." "The box top I already had, but the 15 cents was hard to come by in those days." "I tried not thinking about it, but it was very hard to keep off my mind." "...and the masts and the sail." "You even have to work with the tweezers to get some of the small stuff in." "I'll pass it around." "TEACHER:" "That was lovely, Evelyn." "Arnold, why don't you show the class what you have?" "Stand right over there." "I found this on my parents' night table." " That will be enough!" "Sit down!" " What did I do?" "Put that thing in your pocket and sit down!" "Ross, you have something suitable to show the class, don't you?" "Very good." "Stand right here." "This is my Masked Avenger secret-compartment ring." "It's very special to me..." "JOE:" "Now, basically I was an honest kid." "But there are some things in life that are just too compelling." "That afternoon at Hebrew school, a scheme occurred to me." "RABBI:" "Next week, we are going to issue collection boxes." "And each of you will be asked to go out in the street and collect funds for the promotion of a new state in Palestine." "Can you give to the Jewish National Fund to help us build a homeland in Palestine?" "Please?" "No?" "How about you?" "Can you give to the Jewish National Fund?" "Can you help us?" "Anything?" "Hey, how about..." "Can you?" "Can you?" "No?" "Oh." "Give to the Jewish National Fund?" "Hey, can you..." "Excuse me, can you..." "Give it to me." "Please." "Thank you." "ANDREW:" "Guys, we got enough to get the Masked Avenger rings and an ice cream soda." "We gotta leave some for Palestine." "Why?" "It's all the way over in Egypt." "It's a sin." "What if the rabbi catches us?" "He'll never find out." "Besides, I can handle him." " You sure?" " Positive." "Dimes!" "I got four dimes!" "Monies for a Jewish homeland used to buy this Masked Avenger ring?" "My heart is full of grief." "It swells with anguish!" " He'll pay back every cent." " Yep." "Shut up." "I don't know what to do, Rabbi." "Every night he listens to the radio." "I can't keep him away." "I say, "Go to the beach, play in the sun, get some fresh air."" "No." "The Lone Ranger," "The Shadow, The Masked Avenger..." "This is no good." "This boy needs discipline." "Radio..." "Tsk-tsk..." "It's all right once in a while." "Otherwise it tends to induce bad values, false dreams, lazy habits." "Listening to the radio, these stories of foolishness and violence, this is no way for a boy to grow up." "You speak the truth, my faithful Indian companion." "To a rabbi you say "my faithful Indian companion"?" "Hey, don't hit my son." "What kind of upbringing is this?" "Look, I'll hit him, but you don't hit him!" "I said, I'll hit him!" "You leave him alone!" "No, I'll hit him!" "You're too lenient!" "Oh, I'm lenient?" "What, that's lenient?" "I am a faithful Indian?" "Such an impertinence!" "Rabbi, I will teach him some manners." "You and that radio!" " Think that's lenient?" " Enough, enough." "You'll hurt the boy." "JOE:" "And so that ended my career in crime." "And I never did get the Masked Avenger ring." "But to this day I still get chills when I recall his famous sign-off." "RADIO ANNOUNCER:" "Be sure and tune in tomorrow for another adventure of The Masked Avenger, when he flies over the city rooftops, and we all hear his cry..." "MASKED AVENGER:" "Beware, evildoers, wherever you are!" "(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)" "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)" "Tess, did you see my yellow bag?" "I didn't touch it." "Ooh, what is that?" "Turn it up." "What's the fuss?" "Mr. Manulis finally asked her out." "What'd he do, go blind?" "Him with the insults, right?" "Hey!" "Tell her she looks nice." "MARTIN:" "I'll tell her, I'll tell her." "Mrs. Waldbaum found a pocketbook in the subway and she doesn't think she's gonna give it back." "MARTIN:" "You ought to stop listening." " Tess, can I borrow your anchor pin?" " Sure, sure." "Oh, God, he's so handsome!" "I waited so long!" "I never thought he'd ask me!" " Where'd you meet?" " In the Catskills." "He rides horseback, he dances, he's some tennis player!" "Sounds a perfect victim." "What's he do?" "BEA:" "His firm imports coffee." "JOE:" "What do you do, Dad?" "Hey, get my cigarettes." "BEA:" "This could be the answer to my prayers." "Isn't it time you compromised?" "I don't know the meaning of that word." "So stay single." "Can you smell my perfume?" "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "Oh, gosh." "Oh, gosh." "Okay..." "Ceil, get it." "I don't want to appear too anxious." "I've been cleaning fish all afternoon." " I'll get it." " Oh, my gosh, my glasses." "Almost forgot my glasses." "TESS:" "Oh, well, hello!" "Come on in." "Would you come in, please?" "I'm Bea's sister, Tess." "How do you do?" "Is Bea ready?" "Oh, she'll only be a minute." "(LAUGHS)" "This is, uh, most of my family." "Oh, hello." "And this is my husband." "Oh, pleased, pleased!" "That's, uh, a firm handshake you got." "Well, sure." "I hate when somebody shakes your hand, they put a dead paw in it." " BEA:" "Sidney." " Ahh!" "(LAUGHING)" "Have you been waiting long?" "Oh, not at all, sugar." "Well, have a nice time." "Yeah, come on, sugar." "Into the old jalopy." "We're gonna paint the town red!" "Aw, gosh, didn't Bea look lovely?" "Did she fall into vat of perfume?" "When we were young, of the three sisters, she was considered the pretty one." " Some contest." " Oh, what do you know?" "You're lucky I love you, you old douche bag." "JOE:" "Aunt Bea and Mr. Manulis were having a wonderful time." "He took her out to Coney Island, where they went roller-skating." "Although she had never roller-skated in her life, in his capable hands, she did her best." "He took her for oysters and beer." "As she later told the story, she was shy about having to wear glasses, and kept trying to hide the fact that she needed them." "Aunt Bea was really developing a crush on Mr. Manulis." "As they ate and joked, it would have been impossible to guess that their evening together would soon end in total disaster." "Oh, did I have a wonderful time!" "I'm still a little tipsy from that beer." "Oh, really?" "'Cause you only had one." "I know, but alcohol affects me strongly." "And you, how can you even drive?" "You must have had five beers!" "Oh, I'm a big boy." "I could have ten!" "Oh, and it's so foggy." "Yeah." "I love the fog." "It's very romantic." "(CAR BACKFIRES)" "Uh-oh!" "What's that?" "You won't believe this, but we're out of gas." "Oh, gosh." "Wouldn't you know it?" "Right out here on the tip of Breezy Point, too." "Looks like we're stuck here." "At least till the fog lifts." "Oh, well, what's a girl to do?" "BEA:" "Oh, Sidney!" "Sidney, this is our first date together." "SIDNEY:" "Aw, Bea, you know how I feel about ya." "ANNOUNCER OVER RADIO:" "We interrupt with a special news bulletin." "A state of emergency has been declared by the president of the United States." "We go live to Wilson's Glen, New Jersey, where the landing of hundreds of unidentified spacecraft has now been officially confirmed as a full-scale invasion by Martians." "(INTERFERENCE)" "People are dying and being trampled in their efforts to escape." "The power lines are down everywhere." "We could be cut off at any minute." "Oh, my gosh!" "There's another group of spaceships, of alien ships, coming out of the sky..." "JOE:" "Despite his bravado all evening," "Mr. Manulis panicked and bolted out of the car." "He was so frightened by the reports of interplanetary invasion that he ran off, leaving Aunt Bea to contend with the slimy green monsters he expected to drop from the sky at any moment." "She walked home." "Six miles." "When Mr. Manulis called for a date the next week, she told my mother to say she couldn't see him." "She had married a Martian." "Now earlier, I promised some inside stories about the stars." "Here's a little something that actually happened one night with Roger and Irene." "Everyone's here tonight, sweetheart." "Isn't that Richard?" "Oh, Richard?" "We saw that show at the Morosco." "You're right, it's terrific." "Thank you." "I thought I saw Ernest Hemingway at the bar." "Well, I heard he was in town, angel, yes." " Cigars?" "Cigarettes?" " I'll have some Camels." "Oh, hello, Mr. Daly." "Where have you been?" "I can never get hold of you." "I told you it was over." "Please don't say that!" "Listen, you call me all hours!" "I meet..." "I meet you in hotel rooms, in the back of cars, in stalled elevators..." "You're gonna lose your respect for me." "Please, don't be unreasonable." "Cigars?" "Cigarettes?" "Cigar, please." "Thank you very much." "Sally, you can't break it off now." "I'm in love with you." "Yeah." "If you loved me, you'd leave your wife and marry me." "I can't do that." "Our ratings are too high." "Hi, Roger." "Lucky Strikes, please." "(SINGING IN PORTUGUESE)" "I look at you and I'm aflame with longing." "Oh, what am I gonna do?" "I'm a single girl." "I want you, Sally." "I..." "I crave you." "I spoke to the head of the agency about you." "He wants to meet you." "Really?" "I told him you were the most promising young actress I'd seen in years." "But you've never even seen me act." "I've got great intuition." "I care so much about you." "I've just got to have you, Sally." "I'm..." "I'm exploding with desire." "Well, I..." "We can't do it now." "I'm working my shift." "There must be somewhere we can be alone for a few minutes." "I'd be takin' a real chance." "I told my wife I was going to have a drink with Richard Rodgers." "You know, we always table-hop for a long time." "Let me think." "JOE:" "So, as the story goes," "Roger and Sally set out to find a secluded trysting place, while Roger's wife Irene spent her time drinking and hobnobbing with society's most interesting and exotic Latin playboy." "I..." "I think it's probably pretty safe up here." "(SINGING) And under the stars" "An orchestra's playing..." "Listen, I only got a ten-minute break." "Come here, baby." " He wants to meet me?" " Who?" "The head of the agency." " Yeah, yeah, definitely." " Yeah." "Oh, wait..." " Can you take this off?" " Yeah, sure." "You tell him I could sing?" "Sure." "Like a..." "Like a nightingale." " You told him that?" " Yeah." " Promise?" " Oh, yeah!" "Yeah!" "Boy, that was fast!" "It probably helped I had the hiccups." "ROGER:" "I've got to get back to the table." "Sally, this door's locked." " It is?" " It's locked from the inside!" "Oh, no..." "What are we gonna do?" "The trick is not to panic." "There's no other way down!" "Well, we'll have to climb down." "I can't climb down the building!" "What do you think I am?" "Didn't you know the doors lock from the inside?" "No!" "I never actually came up here with anybody but you." "Oh, my God!" "What a predicament!" "JOE:" "And that's exactly how it happened." "No matter how hard they tried," "Roger and Sally could not get back in." "Legend has it an electrical storm broke out, and that he was struck by lightning and had to miss his show for a month." "Another version of the story I heard said that Irene came up to the roof with the same intention as her husband, and that Sally got fired." "The other three were so sophisticated they all spent the weekend in the same hotel suite in Havana." "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)" "It's terrible." "They have no respect!" "They should be thrown out of the neighborhood." "It's a disgrace!" "My nerves are on edge from hunger." "You think they fast?" "They don't care about the High Holidays." "They eat, even though you're supposed to fast." "Grandma can't stand the radio next door." "Oh, it's awful!" "It's just awful!" "Wait, I don't understand." "I thought you're allowed to turn it on." "No." "For 24 hours you're supposed to do nothing." "Not even turn on a light switch." "Just sit and fast and pray and atone for your sins." "Well, how come they're not?" "What do they care?" "They're Communists!" "They don't believe in religion." "TESS:" "Abe, go speak to them." "Me?" "I'd like to burn their house down, but I'm not allowed to light matches today." "At least they should do it out of respect for their neighbors." "CEIL:" "They're Jewish, but they don't believe in God, just Stalin!" "Well, I'm just gonna go tell 'em a few things, that's all." "Hey!" "What the hell are you doin'?" "Can you turn that off?" "We're praying." "Praying?" "You should be working." "Working for the benefit of your fellow man!" "It is a sin to work today!" "It's a sin not to work!" "Oh, please!" "Today is the most holy day." "Can't you please turn off the radio?" "(RADIO CONTINUES PLAYING)" "He's been there over an hour." "MARTIN:" "Yeah." "Meanwhile the radio's still on." "Be careful." "The daughter believes in free love." "Why do you say that?" "Hear what happened to Mrs. Silverman?" "She couldn't sleep." "She was up one night taking a cup of tea, and she heard a car pull up at three in the morning." "So, you know Mrs. Silverman." "She always likes to know what's going on." "So she's peeking out her front door, and there's the girl across the street coming back from a folk-singing thing with a tall colored man." "You're not gonna believe this, Ceil." "She gives the guy a big, long kiss!" "Well, you can imagine how Rose Silverman reacted." "She had a stroke on the spot." "Her arteries hardened." "The woman remained frozen, the teacup on the way to her mouth." "They never saw anything like it at the hospital." "I'm telling you, Ceil, she was as stiff as a board." " I'm home." " CEIL:" "It's about time." "Abe, they're still carrying' on!" "What'd you do there for over an hour?" "I talked." "Or rather I listened." " Hey, you didn't eat?" " I did eat." "Abe, we're fasting!" "They're right!" "It's silly!" "Oh, my God, Abe!" "I should fast to atone for my sins?" "What are my sins?" "Who did I bother?" "The only sin is the exploitation of the worker by the bosses." "Did the daughter get hold of you?" "See, the problem is not between man and some imaginary super being, it's between man and the owners of 90 percent of the world's wealth." "What do you mean, "Some imaginary super being"?" "You don't believe in God?" "Religion is the opium of the masses." "Abe, God will punish you!" "No." "God is not interested in me." "He..." " What's the matter?" " Uh..." "MARTIN:" "Abe?" " Chest pains." " Abe, really?" "Abe, are you all right?" " I can't breathe." " No, stop it." "Just relax." "Just relax." "Breathe out slowly." "Abe, I told you God would punish you." "I'll get the doctor's number." "Maybe it's indigestion." "What did you eat there?" " Uh, some pork chops." " Pork chops?" "And some clams." "And chocolate pudding." "Abe, how could you do this?" "And French fries." "You won't eat my French fries, but you eat the commies' French fries?" "I'm gonna get him some bicarbonate." "That's too good for him." "He deserves an enema!" "Oh, Ceil!" "Yeah, right!" ""Hello, sports fans, and welcome to" ""today's edition of Bill Kern's Favorite Sports Legends."" "JOE:" "Now in my family, each person had his own favorite show." "For instance, my Uncle Abe was a great sports fan, and he always listened to Bill Kern." "MAN ON RADIO:" ""Today's story is about a baseball player." ""His name was Kirby Kyle, a lean southpaw from Tennessee." ""He played for the old St. Louis Cardinals." ""He threw fast, and he had a good curve ball," ""and all the hitters knew it." ""He was a kid with a great future." ""But one day he went hunting." ""He loved to hunt, just like his father and his father's father." ""Chasing a rabbit, he stumbled and his rifle went off." "(GUNSHOT)" ""The bullet entered his leg." ""Two days later, it was amputated." ""They said he would never pitch again." ""But the next season he was back." ""He had one leg, but he had something more important." ""He had heart." ""The following winter, another accident cost Kirby Kyle an arm." ""Fortunately, not his pitching arm." ""He had one leg and one arm," ""but more than that, he had heart." ""The next winter, going after duck, his gun misfired." "(GUNSHOT)" ""He was blind." ""But he had instinct as to where to throw the baseball." ""Instinct and heart." ""The following year, Kirby Kyle was run over by a truck and killed." ""The following season," ""he won 18 games in the big league in the sky."" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "This has been Bill Kern with another favorite sports legend." "JOE:" "While Uncle Abe loved the Bill Kern sports show, his wife Ceil adored a very prominent ventriloquist, and this always used to drive Abe crazy." "He's a ventriloquist on the radio!" "How do you know he's not movin' his lips?" "Who cares?" "Leave me alone." "(GUFFAWS)" "(MUSICAL INTRO)" "JOE:" "Ceil and Abe's daughter Ruthie had her own favorite program." "Naturally it was one of those romantic boy crooners." "She and her girlfriends used to sit and swoon endlessly over the sentimental lyrics and velvety voice." "The local boys, of course, were all a little jealous, and they used to look on disgustedly, thinking the girls were real jerks." "(SINGING ON RADIO) Then I'd rather have nothing at all" "And now, ladies and gentlemen, the makers of General Sparkplugs bring you The Court of Human Emotions, with world-famous counselor on affairs of the human heart," "Thomas Abercrombie." "And now, my friends..." "JOE:" "My mother and father loved to hear the show where ordinary people were helped with their personal problems." "Six years ago his mother came to live with us, and she won't leave and he won't throw her out!" "How can I throw my own mother out?" "Grab her by the throat and throw her out!" "Oh, just like that?" "Yes!" "She has to go out in the street!" "Why don't you just stick a knife in here?" "I'm not sticking a knife anywhere!" " Throw my mother out!" " You take a knife!" "JOE:" "I found the show silly." "I'd imagine my parents on it, airing their standard complaints." "He's a business failure." "He never finishes what he starts." "We're forced to live with my relatives and thank God for them!" "And I could have married Sam Slotkin." "Sam Slotkin's dead." "But while he was alive he was working!" "She'd be lost without her family." "And you should see 'em." "They're like the Huns!" "Maybe if I'd married a more encouraging woman, who knows?" "So who do you think is right?" "I think you both deserve each other." "What does that mean?" "We didn't come here to be insulted." "I love him, but what did I do to deserve him?" "JOE:" "Naturally, my folks never were on the Mr. Abercrombie program." "In fact, the only radio celebrity any of us ever really met in person was the 14-year-old mathematical genius of a quiz show my father loved called The Whiz Kids." "Hey, Tess." "That's one of the kids from the radio." "It's a Whiz Kid." "(WHISPERING) Hey, Joe, it's one of the Whiz Kids from the radio." "Hey, excuse me?" "Uh, pardon me?" "We really enjoy your son on the radio." "You're a real genius." "Yes." "I have a 160 IQ, and that is extraordinary, by any standards." "And this is our son." " Say hello." " Hi." "Charmed to make your acquaintance." "Although perhaps "charmed" is really overstating it." "Your son is a whiz at math." "Quick, What's 1,754 divided into 13 million, huh?" "Martin!" "This palooka can't even pass a simple arithmetic exam!" "And now, if you'll excuse us." "Boy, what a kid." "So well spoken." "Why can't you be like that?" "Why can't you be a genius?" "I'll tell you why." "Because you're too busy listening to the radio!" "Put your hat on!" "Put his hat on." "Honest to goodness!" "(MAN SINGING ON RADIO) There's a song in the air" "But the fair senorita" "Doesn't seem to care" "For the song in the air" "JOE:" "Aunt Bea listened almost exclusively to music." "Because of her, I grew up hearing the most wonderful songs." "(MAN SINGING ON RADIO) She won't think that I am just a fool" "Serenading a mule" "JOE:" "There are certain songs that, no matter where I am, the minute I hear them I get instant memory flashes." "(YOU AND I PLAYING)" "For instance, every time I hear this song I think of Evelyn Goorwitz, who I had a crush on, but who didn't like me." "I remember her pretty girlfriend treated me like I had the plague." "But eventually persistence won out and I did break down her resistance." "(SINGING ON RADIO) I'm gonna buy a paper doll" "That I can call my own..." "JOE:" "I can never hear this song without recalling my parents' anniversary." "It was the only time I ever saw them kiss." "It was a very wonderful memory." "(SINGING ON RADIO) With their flirty-flirty eyes" "Will have to flirt with dollies that are real" "When I come home at night" "She will be waiting" "She'll be the truest doll in all this world" "Lay that pistol down, babe lay that pistol down..." "JOE:" "Now, when this song was popular," "I remember a strange little event." "My friend Andrew and I built a snowman outside the school." "He supplemented its anatomy with a particular vegetable." "(SINGING ON RADIO) Until one night she caught me right" "And now I'm on the run" "Oh, lay that pistol down babe, lay that pistol down" "Pistol-packin' mama lay that pistol down" "(SOUTH AMERICAN WAY PLAYING)" "JOE:" "Another song we listened to was by Carmen Miranda." "I can only think of my cousin Ruthie and how much she loved it." "(SINGING IN PORTUGUESE)" "(BOTH SINGING IN PORTUGUESE)" "(MAIRZY DOATS PLAYING)" "JOE:" "Mairzy Doats." "I remember when I first heard that song." "I always associate its popularity with a bizarre incident, when Mr. Zipsky, normally a very quiet man, had a nervous breakdown and ran amok through the shopping district." "(SINGING ON RADIO) A little bit jumbled and jivey" "Sing "mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy"" "Oh, mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey" "A kiddley divey too wouldn't you?" "(IF YOU ARE BUT A DREAM PLAYING)" "JOE:" "My most vivid memory connected with an old radio song" "I associate with the time Aunt Bea and her then-boyfriend Chester took me into New York to the movies." "It was the first time I'd ever seen the Radio City Music Hall, and it was like entering heaven." "I just never saw anything so beautiful in my life." "(SINGING) I hope I never waken" "It's more than I could bear" "To find that I'm forsaken" "If you're a fantasy" "Then I'm content to be" "In love with loving you" "And pray my dream comes true" "I long to kiss you" "But I would not dare" "I'm so afraid" "That you may vanish" "In the air" "So, darling" "If our romance should break up" "I hope I never wake up" "If you are but" "A dream" "(THUNDER CRACKLING)" "Ah!" "Lightning!" "JOE:" "Now, remember Sally the cigarette girl?" "Well, I wanna come back to her now, because there are some great radio stories associated with Sally." "She was one of those characters that are always around when things happen." "Plus, she eventually became the star of Aunt Ceil's favorite show." "But that's later." "Right now we find her struggling, a coat-check girl in a nightclub run by a mobster." "It's after hours." "(SINGING ON RADIO) If I didn't care" "Would I feel this way?" "If this isn't love" "Then why do I thrill?" "And what makes my head go round and round" "While my heart stands still?" "If I didn't care" "Would it be the same?" "Oh, my God!" "You killed Mr. Davis!" "I saw you shoot him!" "(GUN CLICKING)" "Help!" "Oh, my God!" "Help!" "(SCREAMING)" "(SALLY SCREAMS)" "SALLY:" "Where are you taking me?" "ROCCO:" "Shut up." "You're gettin' yours." "(SOBBING)" "It's nothin' personal." "It's just bad luck you were a witness." "My whole life, I had bad luck." "Me too." " Where are you from?" " Brooklyn." "Yeah?" "Me too." "Whereabouts?" "Canarsie." " Me too!" " Yeah?" "85th Street." "I was 86th Street." "No kiddin'?" "You must know Joey's Clam House." "I ate there all the time." "This is a funny coincidence." "I meet nobody from the old neighborhood in years," "I finally do, and I gotta kill her." "You were Freddie White's daughter, huh?" "I remember you when you had little pigtails and braces on your teeth." "You were the cutest little girl in the neighborhood." "Here you are." "You need bullets, too?" "Here." "(SPEAKING IN ITALIAN)" "Honey, you said you enjoyed the peppers." "Yeah." "They're delicious." "Eat some more of these, because you said you enjoyed them very, very much." "Thank you." "Where you gonna dump her body?" "In Jersey, Mama." "Four in the morning, you wanna dump her body in Jersey?" "Dump her in Red Hook!" "Sweetheart, look, these shrimps are nice and fresh." "I made them today." "Listen, I ain't gonna squeal, honest!" "I can keep a secret." "I know everything about everybody on Broadway!" "Really." "Places I work, I got secrets on everybody." "Think I go around talkin'?" "But what do you do?" "She sings, Mama." "Oh, yeah?" "That's nice." "I can act, too." "I'd just do anything to get on radio." "I'd be happy to give the weather report, or interview people." "I think I'm a natural." "I'm a great dancer." "But you can't dance on radio." "I know." "'Cause they can't see you!" "(SPEAKING IN ITALIAN)" "Wait." "Come here, Rocco." "I got to tell you something." "You come over here with me." "(SPEAKING IN ITALIAN)" "Listen to me." "You don't have to worry about that girl." "She's not too fast up here." "She wouldn't make no trouble." "I feel sorry for her." "She wants to get into radio so badly." "I think some men take advantage." "She's so pretty." "Listen to me." "Then your cousin Angelo could help her." "Yes, because he knows everybody on radio." "He could get her any little part, because they owe him this favor." "JOE:" "All right, now they not only decide not to bump Sally off, but they get a relative to ask an unrefusable favor on her behalf." "I don't know if people were bribed or threatened, but she suddenly found herself with a big acting part on a very serious dramatic radio show that was doing Chekhov." "Now the payoff to the story." "The country never got to hear her act." "At the last minute fate stepped in." ""The Japanese have bombed Pearl Harbor." ""This morning a surprise attack was made," ""with enormous casualties to the United States." ""We are pre-empting this show to bring you a special report" ""and a statement from the president of the United States."" "(ALL CHATTERING)" "Aren't we gonna do the show?" "What do we do, come back Monday?" "Who is Pearl Harbor?" "JOE:" "In one terrible moment, world events came between the public and Sally White." "And suddenly the nation was at war." "And lives changed." "And Sally, like everyone else, found herself doing her bit." "(SINGING) I don't wanna walk without you" "Baby" "Walk without my arm about you" "Baby" "I thought the day you left me behind" "I'd take a stroll" "And get you right off my mind" "But now I find that" "I don't wanna walk without the sunshine" "Why'd you have to turn off all that" "Sunshine?" "Oh, baby, please come back" "Or you'll break my heart for me" "Cause I..." "Don't wanna walk without you" "No, sirree" "(APPLAUSE)" "(SINGING) Let's remember Pearl Harbor" "JOE:" "My friends and I, acting on advice from the radio G-man Biff Baxter, collected scrap iron every day after school." "Our local soda jerk, Rita, joined the WACs and looked good in uniform." "And Mrs. Riley had a victory garden in her flowerpots." "On the radio, stories changed." "Now the Japanese and Germans were the villains." "MAN 1 ON RADIO:" ""Okay, you Axis rats!" ""I know you got submarines sneaking around our coast!"" "MAN 2: "We have no submarines."" ""Yes, you do!" "U-boats and airplanes!" ""But we Americans are always on the lookout, always alert!" "Take that!"" "(FIGHTING NOISES)" ""Okay, I think you've learned your lesson." ""One American with courage is worth 20 of you!" ""Come along." "Uncle Sam knows what to do with Axis rats."" "JOE:" "My friends and I hung on Biff Baxter's every word." "When he said to watch for enemy planes and submarines lurking off the coast, our parents laughed." "But we took it seriously." "JOE:" "Remember, if we see any German planes," "I do have a number to call, okay?" "Oh, look at that." "Hey, look, there's one!" "NICK:" "No, no, that's one of ours." "I don't think the Germans can get over here so easy." "They can!" "The Masked Avenger says they're working on rockets!" "Hey, look, a Japanese bomber!" " Let me see!" " Get off." "Hey, wow!" "Look in that window!" "(BABALU PLAYING)" "NICK:" "Let me see!" "Let me see!" "BURT:" "What do you see?" "Jesus, what legs!" "Hey, it's my turn!" "Jungle drums were madly beating" "In the glare of eerie light" "While the natives kept repeating" "Ancient jungle rites" "All at once the dusky warriors began to" "Raise their arms to skies above..." "Oh, God, I can hardly breathe!" "And the native then stepped forward to chant to" "His voodoo goddess of love" "Ah, great Babalu" "I'm so lost and forsaken" "JOE:" "Later that afternoon, we all walked down to the water's edge." "The talk had shifted away from Nazis to more important matters." "JOE:" "Boy, she was pretty." "ANDREW:" "She was nothin' special." "She was all right." "But my favorite is Rita Hayworth." "I like Betty Grable." "NICK:" "I like Dana Andrews." "You kidding?" "Dana Andrews is a man." "She is?" "Didn't you ever see Crash Dive?" "With a name like Dana?" "ANDREW:" "Say, guys, wanna look for planes?" "DAVE:" "I'm going home." "I'll come with you." "Let's go listen to the radio." "JOE:" "I didn't care if the guys went home." "I was in a funny mood that afternoon." "I just stood there, looking out at the Atlantic." "My mind was thinking about life, and women, and a million different things." "And then suddenly I saw it." "It was just like Biff Baxter described it." "It came up and went under so mysteriously and silently that I couldn't believe my eyes." "I never told anyone about it afterward because I doubted my own experience." "Besides, I knew that no one would believe me." "No one except Biff Baxter." "(SINGING) They're either too young or too old" "They're either too gray or too grassy-green" "The pickin's are poor and the crop is lean" "What's good is in the army" "What's left will never harm me" "They're either too old or too young" "So, darling you'll never get stung" "Tomorrow I'll go hiking with that eagle scout unless" "I get a call from Grandpa for a snappy game of chess" "TESS:" "What are you doin'?" "I'm outta nylons." "But lots of girls paint them on now." "Better hope it doesn't rain." "Oh, right." "Oh, I really think this could be the one." "I hope so." "He's so good-looking, he's good-natured, he has his own business." "And his fiancée died last year, so he's obviously marriage-minded." "How come he's not in the army?" "He has flat feet." "But that's his only drawback." "You really think you could love a man with fallen arches?" "I know, you think I'm too demanding." "I do." "You have these qualities you demand, and when you meet a nice man you disqualify him for the smallest fault." "That's not true." "So what was wrong with Nat Bernstein?" "He wore white socks with a tuxedo." "That's not a good enough reason." "Then when you fall in love there's always something wrong with him." "You know, they all seem fine." "I don't know." "You got this sixth sense for picking losers." "Sometimes I wonder, do you really wanna get married?" "More than anything." "Don't you think I wanna have a child before it's too late?" "God, how I envy you." "I just want it to be perfect." "It's never perfect." "If you wait for perfect, you don't get pregnant, you wind up with your teeth in a glass of water." "Easy for you to say." "I compromised when I picked Martin." "I mean, I wanted someone tall and handsome and rich." "Three out of three, I gave up." "I think you did right to compromise." "Why?" "You don't think I could've done better than Martin?" "I know." "You could've married Sam Slotkin." "So why didn't you?" "Oh, Sam Slotkin was a mortician." "He always smelled from formaldehyde." "And don't think that Martin didn't compromise with me." "He always dreamed of being a business tycoon, having a beautiful blonde wife." "I tell him the day he becomes a tycoon I'll dye my hair." "Well, at least you have each other." "That's all I want, someone." "So you have to lower your standards a little." "You know, marrying for love is a very recent idea." "In the old country, they didn't marry for love." "A man married a woman because he needed an extra mule." "But you're the one that listens to all the romantic soap operas." "Well, I like to daydream." "But I have my two feet firmly planted on my husband." "First we'll go to the movie, then eat, then maybe I'll ask him back here." "Although I don't wanna seem too forward." "Hey, you really like this guy, huh?" "Oh, I like him so much." "We'll say a prayer for you." "And then, maybe this time next year, you'll look like me." "(GIGGLES)" " You know what I was thinkin', Tess?" " What?" "I could learn engraving, buy a machine." "Not another get-rich scheme!" "I could make a few dollars engraving." " Let me tell you the beauty part." " Yeah?" "I'm waiting." "When you engrave gold rings and lockets, what you cut out when you make the letters falls on the table." "It's gold dust." "Forget it." "It'll be like all the other ideas." "Gold dust, and the engraver owns it!" "Hold my wool." "If it's a girl, we could name it Lola." "Lola?" "You want her to be a stripper?" "And if it's a boy, Lionel?" "No son of mine will be named Lionel." "I want an L name, after my Uncle Louie." "Your Uncle Louie." "How about "louse"?" "ANNOUNCER OVER RADIO:" "The news is not good tonight." "Reports are that Nazi tank divisions are pushing American infantrymen back in furious armored warfare." "Meanwhile, Japanese have taken control of two more islands in the Philippines and are advancing on American..." "This is John Jenkins broadcasting from London." "The bombs are falling even as we speak." "MAN ON RADIO:" "The morale of the boys is good here at Guadalcanal, despite heavy losses." "What do you think, Martin?" "You think Hitler's gonna win?" "MARTIN:" "I wonder about the wisdom of bringing new life into the world." "(KNOCK AT DOOR)" "WARDEN:" "Come on, lights out." "Blackout." "CEIL:" "Oh, God, another air-raid drill!" "ABE:" "Between the Nazis and the Communists, give me those reds!" "Stick to your fish." "What do they want, those Nazis?" "To slaughter everyone on the planet?" "The Nazis, the Communists." "The world would be better off without any of 'em." "You know what WC Fields said?" "To settle a war, the leaders involved should meet in a stadium and fight it out with socks filled with horse manure." "WARDEN:" "Hey, put that light out." "TESS:" "Wake him up to see the searchlights." "MARTIN:" "No, no." "Let him sleep." "He's got school." "It's so beautiful." "What a world." "It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people." "JOE:" "Later that night, I was awakened." "By the sound of our radio in the kitchen." "(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)" "I had a very nice time." "Yes, it was wonderful." "It was such a clear night out." "You could see all the stars." "I think I should be going." "Oh, don't go." "It's not late." "I have to drive back to the Bronx." "Fred, you must know I have a little crush on you." "Please, Bea." "What is it?" "What's wrong?" "(SIGHING) Nothing." "It's just that I..." "I..." "What's wrong?" "Is it still your fiancée?" "It's been such a long period of grief." "It's not fair to you." "I know." "I know." "It's just that every time I hear that song on the radio, my memory goes back to Leonard." "That was our song." "Leonard?" "My beloved." "You never said your fiancé's name was Leonard." "How could I?" "I see." "Well, just calm yourself." "Would you like a drink?" "No." "(CHUCKLES)" "Just relax." "It's a nice song." "(CLAMORING)" "You guys, shut up!" "The principal's coming!" "Sit down!" "Good morning, class." "I'd like you to know that your regular teacher Mrs. Nash is ill today and you will have a substitute teacher." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Now, now." "Children, children, please, be quiet." "No noise." "I want you to be very good today." "I want you to be on your very best behavior." "Miss Gordon, would you please come in?" "(BABALU PLAYING)" "They're all yours." "Okay, class, we're going to begin today..." "Well, first let me tell you what my name is." "I'm Miss Gordon." "Oh, God, we're all goin' straight to hell." "JOE:" "I conclude the Miss Gordon episode with just one observation." "For some miraculous reason, it's a wonderful feeling having a teacher you've seen dance naked in front of a mirror." "But that's how it happened." "I want to take a minute to tell you how Sally wound up." "Because it's one of the radio legends of the time." "(SINGING) Get regular with Re-Lax" "Start every day the Re-Lax way" "Your system will feel so great" "You'll want to relax on the top of the Empire State" "Get regular with Re-Lax" "Start every day the Re-Lax way" "When your tummy's not so hot" "Remember X marks the spot" "Get regular with Re-Lax" "The Re-Lax way" "No, no, more feeling!" "It has no inner life." "We need the name of the product to be enunciated a little more clearly." "I'll deal with the performers." "MAN 1:" "Cut the phrase "X marks the spot"." "People will be reminded of Ex-Lax." " You're being too touchy." " Why take the chance?" "Let's run it again, Sally." "MAN 2:" "Three, four... (SINGING) Get regular with Re-Lax" "Start every day the Re-Lax way" " Your system will feel so great..." " No, no!" "Like this..." "Re-Lax, Re-Lax..." "Well, what..." "What should I be thinking inside?" "Think laxative." "Think soothing relief." "Please, I'll give her her motivation." "Laxative, darling." "You crave one." " Try again." " MAN 2:" "Three, four... (SINGING) Get regular with Re-Lax" "Start every day the Re-Lax way" "Your system will feel so great" "You'll want to relax on the top of the Empire State..." "It's not the commercial." "It's the girl." "She has no flair for it." "DIRECTOR:" "She's the best to audition." "What do you think, Mr. Monroe?" "I think she's correct to represent my laxative." "She's fresh, her voice is natural, and she does it simply." "MAN 3:" "Definitely." "What do you think, Doris?" "I don't like her." "Get rid of her." "JOE:" "Sally hung around Broadway and tried to break into broadcasting." "But the only roles she ever seemed to get were in the bedroom." "Then one day, as she'd later tell her biographer, the voice of God told her to take diction lessons, and her whole life changed." "Hark." "I hear the cannons roar." "Is it the king approaching?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar." "Is it the king approaching?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar." "Is it the king approaching?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar." "Is it the king approaching?" "TEACHER:" "No, no, no." "The cannons roar." "The cannons roar." "The cannons roar." "Hark, I hear the cannons roar." "Is it the king approaching?" "JOE:" "Sally practiced faithfully every day for many months." "Her natural speech was a great obstacle to get over." "Yet through diligence and perseverance, plus a special, intimate knowledge of many Broadway personalities, it was only a question of time before she emerged a full-blown star." "Ah..." ""And now, the makers of Lady Lydia Facial Cream" ""bring you Sally White and Her Gay White Way."" "(IN ACCENT) "Good evening, and cheers to you all out there." ""My first exclusive." "Clark Gable was in town this week, in uniform." ""And where did he go?" "To El Morocco, naturally." ""That brunette on his arm was Lolly Hayes, an up-and-coming starlet." ""Hope you had fun, Clark." ""And didn't Rita Hayworth look stunning last night at the Copacabana?"" "Oh, Abe, how come you never take me to the Copacabana or El Morocco?" "Take the gas pipe." "You'd be happier with Rita Hayworth?" "You gotta ask?" "Those show-business celebrities get divorced every six weeks." "But we're together forever." "I may take the gas pipe." "Just once I'd like to eat at the Stork Club." "They don't take Jews in the Stork Club." "No Jews, no colored." "Abe, this is the United States of America." "Yeah?" "Try taking Minnie's maid Cleopatra to the Stork Club, you'd get curb service." "(RECEPTION BREAKS UP)" "Don't hit it, Abe." "You'll break it." "I know what I'm doing!" "JOE:" "Naturally, he did break it." "He sent it out to be repaired, and a week later I was sent to pick it up." "My parents told me that, since it was so heavy," "I could take it home by taxi." "But I had a brilliant plan." "I figured if I carried it, I could keep the cab fare." "The first half mile was barely manageable." "Pretty soon I realized I'd have to give in and that I was not gonna save any money." "Thanks." "You?" "I'm helpin' out a friend, you know." "Come on, get in." "JOE:" "That's how I found out what my father did for a living." "For some strange reason, he was ashamed of it." "Even then, he didn't admit it." "It didn't bother me one bit though." "I loved him." "In fact, I gave him the biggest tip he got all day." "Jimson's Coffee is having a slogan contest." "You write it in to their radio show and win a refrigerator." " Fraud!" " What's a good slogan?" "Wait, I got one." "How about "A coffee with oomph"?" "That's terrible." "Oh, yeah?" "What's your idea, big shot?" ""Good to the last drop"?" "That's Maxwell House." "Come on." "I knew I'd heard it." ""It won't keep you awake, it will keep you happy."" "MARTIN:" "That's not bad." "It's catchy, right?" " TESS:" "Hoo!" "Hoo!" " What?" "What?" "This is it!" "Hey, Ceil!" "All right, easy, easy, easy." "Now put your arm around me." "Put your arm around me." "Nice and easy." "Ceil, this is it." "This is it." "I'm so excited!" "A baby!" "I can't wait!" "I want a girl." "You should get a girl." "Abe, isn't this wonderful?" "You want another baby?" "MARTIN:" "Slow." "Slow." "Slow." "You got the bag?" "CEIL:" "The suitcase is in the closet." "There you go, honey." "You did a good job." "You did a good job too, Martin." "I did a great job." "Tess, you haven't met Sy yet." "TESS:" "Pleased to meet you, Sy." "My pleasure." "Congratulations." "Oh, and this is my brother-in-law Abe." "And Ceil." "We better be going." "We're taking your son into Manhattan." "Oh, great." "That'll be fun." "Sy has a new car, and we'll do some driving." "Don't lose him, huh?" "We'll take good care of him." "I'll be good, don't worry." "Have a good time." "That's nice, Bea." "Thanks a lot." "Don't give 'em any trouble, all right?" " Bye, now." " Bye." "He's nice." "Nice-lookin'." "He's not bad." "I like him." "Why is she wasting her time with him?" "He's married." "Really?" "He's supposed to be getting out of it, but you know how tight some women hold on." "Tell me about it!" "Well, I hope she knows what she's doin'." "Martin, are you sure you wanna call the baby Ellen?" "Sure, why not?" "In memory of your cousin Eddie." "In memory?" "He's not dead yet." "He should be." "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" "(MUSICAL INTERLUDE)" "JOE:" "Aunt Bea and her boyfriend gave me one of the best days I ever had." "They took me to my first radio show." "And if that wasn't thrill enough," "Aunt Bea was chosen as a contestant." "You're from Rockaway, huh?" "Yes." "And what do you do, Bea?" "I'm a bookkeeper." "Oh." "For a minute, I thought you said beekeeper." "I'd hate to get stung." "(LAUGHS)" "Now, you chose as your topic "fish"." "(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)" "How'd you get to know about fish?" "Well, my brother-in-law brings home fish from Sheepshead Bay all the time, and after a while you get to identify them." "Ah, that's great." "I get it." "Well, can you tell me what this is?" "JOE:" "Aunt Bea had no trouble." "Years of living with Uncle Abe had turned us all into ichthyologists." "And finally, how about this one?" "(STAMMERING) That's a flounder." "No, no, no." "That's a fluke." "You're sure?" "That's a fluke." "Well, this is no fluke!" "You've won 50 silver dollars!" "(BAND PLAYS FANFARE)" "Boy, a chemistry set!" "I can't believe it!" "I've always wanted one of these!" "I can't wait to get home and open this!" "This is fantastic!" "Bea?" "It was a lovely afternoon." "A lovely afternoon." "Gosh, I almost forgot what a fluke looked like." "Good thing I remembered." "This time next week we won't have anything hanging over our heads." "I'll be free of all my obligations." "Are you sure, Sy?" "I've only stayed because of the children." "I'm telling you, Bea." "Mark my words." "This time next week I'll be a free man." "And the most expensive one in the store, too!" "I can't believe this!" "So what are we gonna do with the rest of the money?" "JOE:" "What Aunt Bea did with the rest of the money was treat us all to a Broadway dance palace." "She and Sy seemed very much in love, and she seemed happy." "But it was not to be." "Because after a week, Sy did not leave his wife and children." "Nor did he after two weeks, nor ever." "And as the year came to a close," "Aunt Bea would soon be back to her old dreams of finding a true love." "Still, on this night no one had any thoughts except what a wonderful time we were all having." "TESS:" "Oh!" "Oh, my God!" "Did you do this?" "I'll kill you!" "When I catch you, I'll kill you!" "Come here!" "Don't you run away from me!" "What happened?" " Look what he did to my good coat!" " What?" "Bea bought him a chemistry set." "He made purple dye and dyed it purple!" "That's the coat I gave you for our anniversary?" " You don't hit him!" "I'll hit him!" " I can hit him!" "You're too easy with him." "I'll hit him!" "Abe?" "Have you seen Mama's teeth?" "She left 'em in a glass of water and she can't find them." "The kids were playin' hockey with 'em." "Playing hockey with Mama's teeth?" "They're about the same size as a puck." "(CONGA PLAYING)" "Oh, listen!" "Listen, that's the conga!" "My teacher said you could meet very interesting men in a conga line." "Come on, Ruthie!" "Come on, Ceil!" "RUTHIE:" "I can do this!" "One, two, three, conga!" "One, two, three, conga!" "MARTIN:" "Come here!" "You're making it worse on yourself!" "Come here!" "CEIL:" "You can meet men doing this?" "BEA:" "That's what she said." "You're gonna pay for it this time!" "(MUFFLED SCREAMS)" "ANNOUNCER OVER RADIO:" "We interrupt this program with a special bulletin." "Emergency workers outside Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania, are working to remove an 8-year-old girl who has fallen down a well." "Polly Phelps fell down the well while playing with friends, and has been lodged at the bottom since twelve noon." "Reports will be coming to you live on the spot where this tense drama is unfolding." "We don't know if the girl is still living, although authorities are predicting they will rescue the child within moments." "It's been seven hours, and still workers have not been able to contact or free 8-year-old Polly Phelps." "(ALL SHOUTING)" "Can you hear me?" "Polly?" "Can you hear anything?" "(CONFUSED SHOUTING CONTINUES)" "ANNOUNCER:" "Meanwhile, members of the press are here in abundance." "This field is illuminated by the eerie incandescence of searchlights and flashbulbs." "The anxious parents, Mr. and Mrs. Phelps, stand by waiting, hoping for some word, some sign." "We'll continue to broadcast live from the scene of the accident and bring you details as they unfold." "I'm sure all Americans listening to their radios everywhere are praying for Polly Phelps and the Phelps family." "(SHOUTING)" "Please, God, don't let her die!" "Oh, God..." "ANNOUNCER OVER RADIO:" "The fire department and local emergency squads have been on the job for many hours." "The difficulty seems to be that the well is quite narrow, and the surrounding..." "No, wait." "Wait..." "It looks like he has something." "He's tugging the rope." "They're raising the rope very, very slowly." "They seem to be close to a rescue." "Police have her." "Stand by." "We're coming to you live." "Don?" "Don, is..." "Don?" "Oh, God, this is terrible, ladies and gentlemen." "The child is not alive." "Polly Phelps is dead." "After all the efforts and prayers, the little girl is dead." "This is tragic." "Just tragic." "We are going to end our broadcast, ladies and gentlemen." "I know that all America shares the grief of the Phelps family." "This has been a sudden, unexpected human tragedy." "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)" "Good evening, and happy New Year." "We're broadcasting live from the King Cole Room, where everyone is here to welcome in 1944." "I used to work in this place." "Now I'm here with, of all people, the Masked Avenger!" "Beware, evildoers, wherever you are!" "Now where are they?" "Do you see them?" "They're there." "Hello, everybody!" "(ALL CHATTERING)" "Listen to that." "Doesn't it sound wonderful at that nightclub?" "Yeah." "Why aren't we there, Abe?" "'Cause we're here." "Don't you wanna hit the hot spots and drink champagne from my slipper?" "I can't take that much liquid." "Besides, only creeps and crazy people go out on New Year's Eve." "Then you should definitely go out." "There are those who drink champagne at clubs, and us, who listen to them drink champagne." "CEIL:" "I heard Breakfast With Irene and Roger this morning." "They said they were going to the King Cole Room tonight." "And they said all their friends would be there." "Roger and Irene are rich and famous." "They have a radio show." "They wear fancy clothes, they hobnob with their celebrity friends, they go to all the nightclubs." "What, you think they're happier than us?" "How long do I have to answer that?" "(WOMAN SINGING ON RADIO) You'd be so nice to come home to" "You'd be so nice by the fire" "While the breeze on high" "Sings a lullaby" "You'd be all that I" "Could desire" "Under stars" "Chilled by the winter" "Under an August moon" "Burning above" "You'd be so nice" "You'd be paradise" "To come home to" "And love" "What, no date tonight?" "Well, it's okay." "We're all together." "(SINGING ON RADIO) Under stars" "Chilled by the winter" "Under an August moon" "Burning above" "You'd be so nice" "You'd be paradise" "To come home to" "And love" "(APPLAUSE)" "Thank you." "Thank you." "To a wonderful year." "Lucky Strike, please." "Thank you." "Keep the change." "You know, it's not even midnight and I'm drunk." "Anyone ever seen the roof of this place?" "It has the most marvelous view of the city." "How do you know the roof?" "I went up once when I worked here." "The circumstances were quite different." "Why don't we go up there and see it?" "Would you like to?" "Come with me." "Come on." "What fun!" "(GIGGLES)" "(EXCLAIMS)" "Oh, it's freezing up here." "It's just amazing." "Amazing, but it's freezing up here!" "What a crazy idea!" "(LAUGHS)" "What were you doing up here anyway?" "Oh, it's a long story." "Oh, look at the sky." "It's gotten so overcast." "And all the lights." "What a city this is!" "Another year is passing." "I hope 1944 turns out well." "IRENE:" "They pass so quickly." "Where do they all go?" "So quickly." "And then we get old." "And we never knew what any of it was about." "That's right." "I wonder if future generations will ever even hear about us." "It's not likely." "After enough time, everything passes." "I don't care how big we are, or how important in their lives." "ALL:" "Six, five, four, three, two, one!" "Happy New Year!" "(BAND PLAYING AULD LANG SYNE)" "Martin, I'm a little scared for the future." "What are you scared about?" "Don't worry so much, okay?" " BEA:" "Happy New Year!" " Happy New Year, Bea." " Happy New Year, everybody." " Happy New Year." "TESS:" "What is he doin' up?" "I woke him so he wouldn't forget 1944." "Happy New Year!" "God, I wish this war was over!" "There are no single men around!" "Happy New Year!" "Happy New Year." "This year you'll find your true love." "I have a feeling in my bones." "Yes, you will." "Oh, you know what we should start the New Year with?" "A little red snapper!" "Hey, happy New Year, everybody." "Happy New Year, Martin." "(ALL CHATTERING)" "Happy New Year, Tess." "Hey, Pop, happy New Year." "(CAR HORNS HONKING)" "Hey, it's startin' to snow." "Let's go downstairs." "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" "(LAUGHING)" "Beware, evildoers, wherever you are!" "JOE:" "I never forgot that New Year's Eve, when Aunt Bea awakened me to watch 1944 come in." "And I've never forgotten any of those people, or any of the voices we used to hear on the radio." "Although the truth is, with the passing of each New Year's Eve, those voices do seem to grow dimmer and dimmer." "(SOUTH AMERICAN WAY PLAYING)" "(WOMAN SINGING IN PORTUGUESE)" "(MEN SINGING IN PORTUGUESE)" "Have you ever danced in the tropics?" "In that hazy, lazy, like kind of crazy, like" "South American way" "Have you ever kissed in the moonlight?" "In the grand and glorious gay, notorious South American way" "(SINGING IN PORTUGUESE)" "(MEN SINGING IN PORTUGUESE)" "In South American way"