"(barking orders)" "ANNOUNCER:" "Here they come across the finish line!" "The winner" " Tangerine!" "Second" " Pop Goes The Weasel." "Third" " Country Store." "Fourth" " Irish Stew." "Followed by Blockbuster, Little Lady, Dinky, and last..." "Bell Boy." "HENSHAW:" "There he is..." "Bell Boy." "Oh, this is some horse you picked for us, Carter." "For the life of me, Sergeant Bilko," "I can't understand how he lost." "You know, lots of people go to the races, win a little, lose a little." "Not us." "We brought our own expert." "Born and raised on a farm in Kentucky." "Knows all about horses." "Joined the Army." "Why?" "So he can pick a horse for us that came in absolutely last." "Good boy!" "Look at his breeding." "Polynesian out of Ding Dong." "Why, he's of the same family as Native Dancer." "Native Dancer." "That explains that slow mambo he was doing." "I talked my platoon into putting up a bankroll!" "And now zing, half of it is gone!" "How am I gonna face that platoon?" "Hiya, boy." "Don't lean on him." "He's liable to collapse." "Not him, Sarge." "He's a real thoroughbred." "He's got courage." "Yeah, well, let him face the platoon." "Excuse me, boys." "There he is, Mr. Brown." "Only a hundred dollars." "Huh, he looks too, uh..." "For farmer's work, he looks too delicate." "Oh, well, Mr. Brown..." "Sorry, Mr. Stevens." "..." "let's try and make a deal." "Nope." "Oh, wait'll I tell the guys." "They bet on a horse that ran second to a plow." "I knew it!" "I knew it, I knew it!" "Wait a minute." "He knows something." "This'll be the first thing he knew today." "What?" "Sarge, look at that leg." "He's got osselets." "Now, you see?" "You were standing here, you didn't notice that." "You see?" "You thought you bet on just..." "We got a horse with osselets." "See?" "!" "What's osselets?" "!" "They're little bone growths." "He shouldn't have been in that race." "He practically wasn't." "Come on." "Let's get out of here." "No, wait a minute, Sarge." "I got to tell his owner." "Why, I could have had that leg fixed up in no time, and he'd be worth thousands, a stake winner." "Hey, mister..." "Atten-hut!" "You could fix that leg in no time?" "Sure, I've done it hundreds of times down in Kentucky." "Hey, mister..." "(barks order)" "You're not in my platoon." "Back away." "Now, listen to me." "You fix his leg, and he'll be worth thousands?" "Sure, a Polynesian horse in sound condition?" "Oh, wait'll the owner hears..." "Oh, here he comes." "Say, mister?" "STEVENS:" "Someone want me?" "Yes, sir." "You're in for some good news." "I just found out..." "(barks order)" "Uh, so..." "Good news for me?" "Yeah, I would kinda like to buy your horse." "Hey but, Sarge!" "Buy a horse?" "!" "That's jerky!" "Why don't we...?" "Oh, please, please, let me have my own way once." "Let me..." "If I got a whim, whim me." "I think you said it was a hundred dollars." "I just happen to have that here." "Look, fellas, your g..." "you guys are soldiers." "I don't wanna stick you." "This horse is no good." "Something's wrong with him." "I know, I..." "(barks):" "Attention!" "Look, I don't mind spending a hundred dollars." "You see, I never had a pet." "I'm warning you." "Okay, here's his papers." "You boys got yourself a horse." "Good luck." "Gee, Sarge!" "We got a horse?" "!" "What are we gonna do with him?" "Platoon's hundred dollars-- phht!" "We can't keep him." "All right, all right, Carter, when they bought that famous horse Alsab, what did they pay for him?" "$750." "What did he win?" "Over a half a million." "When Hirsch Jacobs bought Stymie, what did he pay for him?" "$1,500." "What did Stymie win?" "Over a million." "Any questions?" "Where we gonna keep him?" "We gotta keep him right close to Carter so he can fix his leg." "We'll keep him on the post." "On the post?" "!" "It's good enough for us, it's good enough for him!" "Yeah, but, Sarge, you know how the old man feels about animals." "He'll flip!" "HENSHAW:" "Colonel Hall don't even let a goldfish on the post." "Wait a second." "This is too big to goof off." "I got it." "I got it." "We'll keep him in that old gun shed behind the motor pool." "We'll sneak him in tonight right after lights out." "HENSHAW:" "Everything okay?" "BILKO:" "Come on!" "Come on!" "HENSHAW:" "Okay, Carter." "What took you so long?" "!" "Bell Boy fell in a rifle pit." "I think I broke my back." "Who cares about you?" "Hey, how's the horse, Carter?" "Fine, Sarge, like a million dollars." "You stay with him all night." "A million dollars!" "Hey, Sarge, how much is a million dollars divided by four?" "Four?" "You mean 22." "Why 22?" "We bought him with the platoon's money, right?" "22 men in the platoon?" "Bell Boy, you got 22 owners." "(bugle plays reveille)" "(whistle blows)" "All right, yardbirds, formation!" "Off your seats and on your feet!" "Let's go!" "Hey, Rocco, how'd Bilko do at the fair?" "Hey, did we win or lose?" "Come on, Rocco!" "How'd he do with our 200 bucks?" "!" "(all clamoring)" "Quiet!" "Quiet!" "Simmer down!" "Roll call, Sergeant Bilko." "Thank you, Corporal Henshaw." "(humming)" "Good morning, millionaires." "Millionaires!" "(all shouting)" "We're rich!" "We're rich!" "Where's our dough?" "We're rich!" "We're rich!" "All right, all right." "We're rich!" "We're rich!" "Simmer down, simmer down." "There you go..." "Men... we're in on something so big it frightens even me." "Now, here's the laydown..." "Rocco, watch out for brass." "I'm gonna give it to you guys straight." "We have bought a racehorse." "Did he say "a racehorse"?" "Are you nuts?" "!" "A horse?" "(all clamoring)" "Quiet!" "Shh!" "This is top secret." "Now, here's the lowdown..." "Roll call!" "Anderson?" "Yo!" "Doberman?" "Yo!" "Flipowicz?" "Hey!" "Gander?" "Yo!" "Rubicheck?" "Yo!" "Kadowski!" "Yo!" "Mullen?" "Yo!" "Gomez?" "Yo!" "Harrigan?" "(grunts)" "Jones?" "Yo!" "Palmer?" "Yo!" "Zimmerman?" "(grunts)" "Hiken?" "(grunts)" "Here's the laydown." "This has got to be kept amongst us." "We've..." "Oh, you're with us, all right." "Now, get this." "The next week, the horse-- his name is Bell Boy-- the horse, he's got to live off the Army... like we been doing, all right?" "Kadowski, Mullen, I want you men to report to the groundskeeping officer." "Volunteer to mow the lawns, cut grass." "Cut grass?" "The horse has gotta eat, right?" "And get that grass right over to the gun shed." "(barks orders)" "Sergeant Bilko!" "Phew!" "Take to the hills!" "Phew!" "All right, all right, wise guys, he's been with the horse all night." "What do you want him to smell like, Chanel No. 5?" "Hey, you left the horse alone!" "I had to, Sergeant Bilko..." "Harrigan, Zimmerman, here, get to that gun shed," "watch over that horse." "(barks orders)" "Yo!" "How is he?" "What did you leave him alone for?" "I had to!" "He's hungry!" "Don't worry." "He'll have all the grass he can eat in a few minutes." "Grass?" "!" "He's a thoroughbred." "He needs oats, and plenty of 'em!" "Oats, oats, oats." "Rocco!" "Yo!" "Go to my office, look through every procurement manual, every requisition form, understand?" "Read the small print." "You can get anything you want in the Army, even oats." "On the double!" "Hey-hee!" "Check!" "You're all..." "Don't stir around." "You're killing me." "Now look, how soon can you have that leg finished?" "Well, I start on it right away." "And I need, uh, rubbing alcohol, liniment and, uh, bandages." "Gomez?" "(barks an order)" "I want you to go right to the dispensary, get all the things he asked for." "Here's your order." "And we need blankets, plenty of 'em." "Blankets." "Doberman?" "Go to supply." "Get me... get me, uh, 40 blankets." "Here." "40 blankets?" "Tell them you expect relatives." "Tell them anything." "On the double!" "Hey-hee!" "Now..." "The rest of you men, at all times," "I want you to be at that gun shed." "Patrol..." "Gun shed, Sergeant?" "Yes, sir." "But you see, we have to polish that cannon, sir." "Polish the cannon?" "You never know" "when that cannon will be shown..." "ROCCO:" "I got it!" "I got it!" "I got it!" "You got what?" "Uh, just a requisition form, sir." "Sergeant Bilko, you got to sign it." "Will you rush this through channels?" "Thank you, sir." "A 46B Special?" "Sergeant Bilko, I'm very proud of you." "What'd I sign?" "What'd I sign?" "Just like I said-- a requisition for oats." "As much as we want." "I ordered 40 bushels." "Morning, Anderson." "Well, we're in for it." "A general inspection by General Enos J. Strait, no less." "Old Spit and Polish himself." "At a time like this." "Have you noticed the condition of those parade... (clattering)" "Good!" "They're finally cutting the grass on the parade ground." "Say, that's soldiering!" "They're not only cutting the grass;" "they're picking up every single blade." "Whose outfit?" "Bilko's, sir." "Bilko?" "Uh, yes, sir." "They volunteered." "Bilko's outfit volunteered for something?" "You're right." "Now all we need to do is get that regimental gun" "in condition and..." "Oh, that's being polished, sir." "It's being polished?" "Yes, sir." "Wonderful." "Who thought of that?" "Uh, Bilko, sir." "Bilko?" "Yes, sir." "And take a look at this, sir." "A 46B Special Volunteer Operation." "Bilko's platoon?" "Oats?" "Uh, yes, sir." "I'm going to wire this to the Army Experimental Station in Tulsa." "They've been waiting years for a chance like this." "Sir, you must be very proud of Sergeant Bilko." "Yes, yes." "What is he up to?" "Hee-hee." "Attaboy." "Good boys all the time working." "There's a big boy there." "All right, work, work, work." "Good boys, good boys." "That's the way to do it." "Mm-hmm." "Okey-doke." "Well, pal, all you got to do is ask." "You wanted oats?" "(snaps fingers)" "Oats." "They're prime Kentucky number one, Sarge." "The best." "Ernie boy, who found that requisition form?" "Rocco, you may get the Good Conduct Medal for this." "(Barbella chuckling)" "I want these oats down to the gun shed." "Attention!" "Doberman." "Zimmerman." "Yo!" "Yo!" "Harrigan." "Paparelli..." "Yo!" "Yo!" "At ease." "Sergeant Bilko, Major Brombie of the Medical Corps." "Good luck." "Sergeant Bilko, give me your hand." "I can't tell you how we at the experimental lab felt when you volunteered for our personnel survival test." "Volunteered?" "Sergeant, we've had voluntaries where they lived on nothing but soybeans, barley, wheat, but you're the first to volunteer to live on nothing but oats." "Live on oats?" "Sir, I-I'm afraid there's been some mistake." "Mistake?" "Sergeant, didn't you sign this volunteer requisition?" "Yes, but, uh, I didn't realize what..." "I understand-- changed your mind." "I knew it was too good to be true." "All right, Sergeant, let's get these oats back on the truck." "Hey, Sarge." "Would you wait a minute, just a second, Major?" "It'll only take a second." "I..." "I want to talk to my men." "Hey, we need these oats for Bell Boy." "Think of the Belmont Stakes, the Santa Anita Handicap." "Major, how many men do you need for this test?" "Just four." "Ernie?" "Well, now we only need three." "Henshaw, line up the rest of those men." "Yo." "Oh, Sergeant, just... just go with four volunteers." "HENSHAW:" "Okay, formation!" "This is the greatest." "I'll have your mess sergeant start them on the very next meal." "Ernie, please?" "All right, this time, but watch yourself." "Wait till the Pentagon hears about this." "We're proud of you, men." "Men..." "Right in here I get it every time I look at you." "Proud to serve with you fellas." "Good fellows, good companions." "Men, I need four volunteers." "Freeze!" "Freeze, you warriors." "(barking orders)" "All right." "You want to cop out, huh?" "Well, I was just testing you." "It's a soft detail." "Now, you can't do it." "(mocking laughter)" "All right." "Any one of you men that hasn't had a month's pass in the last six weeks, raise your hand." "The rest of you, dismissed." "(laughing)" "You lucky dogs." "What's the de..." "what's the detail, Sarge?" "It's a cinch." "All you do is sit around, no special duty." "When it's over, you get a month's pass on full combat pay." "All you got to do is sit around and eat oats." "Here, sign this here." "Sign it right there." "Excuse me, Sarge-- I didn't catch that." "You sit around and do what?" "Nothing." "You sit right here." "You don't even have to go to mess." "They bring it to you in here." "Sign it right there." "They bring what?" "Huh?" "They bring what?" "(mutters):" "Mm-oats." "Just sign right in here, then we'll know what we're doing." "Sign the thing..." "Uh, w-wait a minute, Sarge." "Sarge, wait, wait, wait." "What did he say?" "I-I..." "What...?" "I'm not sure, but it sounded like he wants us to eat oats." "Eat oats!" "(laughter)" "You see that?" "Now you see?" "You're having fun already." "(laughter)" "Just sign here-- that proves that you volunteered to do it." "Uh, do what?" ""Do what"?" "Must you always butt in?" ""Do what?" "Do what?"" "Eat oats." "Sign it..." "See?" "He-He said it again." "Just sign the paper so you have the volunteers." "Right there." "Go ahead." "Now, sign it." "Sign it right there." "Wait, wait, Sarge." "Wait, wait, wait, wait..." "It's very simple." "You want us to eat oats?" "Oats, shmoats, steaks, chops." "What difference does it make?" "Sarge, Sarge, Sarge?" "Sign... 'Cause there comes a time..." "Sarge?" "Oats?" "!" "...when you're waiting for your ship to come in" "you have to make your move." "Uh, Sarge, oats?" "Because over the rainbow, what looks cloudy, someday is..." "Sarge, did you say you want us to eat oats?" "You're a nut!" "Whoever heard of such a...?" "!" "Yeah, he's crazy!" "Human beings don't eat...!" "(clamoring)" "Wait a minute, wait a minute, simmer down!" "There comes a time in every soldier's life he's got to do something beyond the call of duty." "Now, did you men ever think what your share of a million dollars is gonna be?" "(mutters):" "What about that?" "Perfect!" "The leg is perfect!" "Carter, you did it!" "You di..." "Oh, you beautiful beast, you." "Mwa!" "Oh, excuse this display of emotion." "It's my first million, you know." "Hey, Sarge, we got a problem." "Yeah, I know, with the income tax on the million." "I figure a capital gain is the way we'll run it." "No, Sarge, I got to start running Bell Boy right away." "Running?" "Your brother'll be here with the van from Kentucky." "It'll be too late then-- I have to run him now, or his leg will stiffen up again." "Run him on the post?" "!" "Carter, is this a must?" "Okay, he runs!" "On the post?" "Now, quiet." "Listen." "4:00 for guard duty-- see that only the men" "from our platoon volunteer, right?" "Right, Sarge." "I've gone too far;" "I'm too close to the door to give up now." "Paul Revere, tonight you ride." "# #" "(horse galloping nearby)" "(galloping fades)" "Jack!" "What is it?" "Nell... d... did you hear a horse go by?" "A what?" "!" "It's nothing, nothing." "Something I imagined." "Good night." "How do you feel?" "Yeah, how do they taste?" "All right, fellas, you remember what the major said-- don't contaminate 'em!" "Come on!" "Carter, you ought to be ashamed of yourself." "23 men's future is riding on that, and you take that horse into a tank trap!" "But, Sarge, I told you, it was pitch-dark," "I couldn't see a thing." "We'll soon fix that." "Get me Palmer." "Where's Palmer?" "Look at these brave American men." "It makes you proud to know 'em." "Why, in France they'd raise a statue to these brave boys." "Palmer!" "What's up, Sarge?" "Remember those two spotlights you rigged up for me last winter when I ran that all-night canasta tournament?" "Yeah, I got it off a half-track." "Eh, I ran it on an A-6 battery;" "twin leads connected to the..." "Is this a genius?" "Is this a genius?" "They make a fuss about Edison!" "Listen, get me two spotlights." "Meet me down at the gun shed." "On the double!" "(barks orders)" "Sir!" "You'll have no excuse now, all right?" "(bugle plays)" "All right." "Mess." "Are they magnificent?" "Doesn't it make you pr..." "Look at those..." "I don't feel good." "Let me get out of here." "Seconds, anyone?" "Let's try it, Palmer." "Good, good, good." "Good." "Swell!" "Ah, Bell Boy, you have been mechanized!" "Palmer, you're a genius!" "All right, boys, you got it right?" "Tonight... tonight we may see a new world's record." "Post time: 4:00." "Synchronize watches." "Five, four, three, two... yep!" "Here we go!" "("Call to the Post" playing)" "(horse galloping nearby)" "(galloping fades)" "Jack!" "What's the matter?" "Nell..." "You imagined that same horse again?" "This time he had headlights!" "Dear..." "I want you to promise me that as soon as that inspection is over, you are going to take a nice, long furlough." "(chuckles) I'll be all right, dear." "Good night." "Well, Carter, what's your excuse?" "(stammers)" "Is that the best he can do, a minute and 45 seconds for six furlongs?" "A brother of Native Dancer?" "Why, these men, they've been eating oats for only four days-- they can do better than that." "Now, what do you got to say?" "But, Sarge, I told you-- he's a racehorse, a thoroughbred." "They need competition, or they won't run." "He has to be paced." "You want me to bring another horse on the post?" "What are you trying to turn this into, a cavalry outfit?" "Hey, Ernie, maybe we could use a jeep." "Oh, butt out." "Hey, a jeep." "That's not a bad idea." "I'm glad I thought of it." "Kadowski." "Yo!" "I want a jeep in front of the gun shed, post time: 4:00." "(barking orders) -(Kadowski grunts)" "(bugle playing)" "All right, mess." "You know what's been bothering me, fellas?" "You think I ought to turn down that Hialeah race?" "It's only $50,000." "(chuckles):" "You lucky dogs." "Breakfast in bed." "Hey, listen, Sarge..." "(vehicle approaching)" "(vehicle passing)" "(chuckles) A jeep." "(Hall sighs)" "(horse galloping nearby)" "(galloping fades)" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Nell." "What?" "You can start packing." "After this inspection, I'm taking a furlough." "Good night, dear." "Carter, if you're smart, you'll get yourself transferred overseas." "BILKO:" "No, no, I'm sorry, Rocco." "Don't worry, Bell Boy." "No, my mind is made up." "But Ernie, we already spent 200 grand for that breeding farm in Kentucky." "What do we need another one in Maryland for?" "For the yearlings!" "Sergeant Bilko?" "Please, kid." "Not only do we have a breeding farm, it keeps us near our main offices in New York." "Sergeant Bilko?" "Now..." "Will you, please?" "Then we've got to get the acreage to raise our own oats in Canada, right?" "Then we got..." "Sergeant, this is important." ""This is important." How do you like...?" "I got to figure out whether I want Arcaro or Atkinson to ride Bell Boy in the Arlington Handicap." "I got to figure out what to do with the acreage in Canada." "Sergeant..." "He's got something important." "...Bell Boy will never be able to run." "Sell the acreage farm, get rid of the breeding farm." "We..." "Never be able to what?" "!" "Sergeant, Bell Boy has an incurable bowed tendon." "Look, talk English." "What are you saying?" "Sergeant, Bell Boy will never be able to race." "You're a little upset, Carter." "Now, take it easy." "There's two ways of saying "never."" "You know, "never"..." "and "never!"" "Which one is it?" "Never!" "There goes the dream." "$100,000 purses, breeding farm..." "You got me into this, Carter." "You know what I ought to do to you?" "I ought to..." "HENSHAW:" "Hey, Sarge, the Colonel." "The Colonel!" "The Colonel!" "Get this horse out of here." "Oh, come on, come on." "Not this way." "That way." "(shouting)" "The other way." "Clean this up." "Get-Get the odor out of here, get the smell." "Get moving!" "Act nonchalant." "Just go, take care of it..." "(indistinct chatter)" "Get..." "Swish it around!" "Get every..." "At ease." "Trouble, Bilko." "I just got word the general is on his way." "His usual surprise attack." "I'm checking everything." "Thank heaven you've got this gun polished." "Let's take a look at it." "(coughing)" "Bilko!" "What's the meaning of this?" "You've had crews working on this gun." "(sniffing)" "What's that smell in here?" "Sir, sir, General Strait has just arrived on the post." "He's here?" "Yes, sir." "Oh, no." "Look, I've got to change my uniform." "Escort him to the guesthouse for visiting personnel." "Uh, the guesthouse, sir?" "Yes, the guesthouse!" "Bilko, get this mess cleaned up." "Hey, go..." "Ooh!" "Get busy on that cannon!" "You heard the colonel." "Let's be proud of our work in here." "Get that gun polished." "Show the colonel we got an interest in this thing." "Get it in there!" "(mumbles) At ease." "Holy smoke, boy, this military life is too much for me." "Gee, that was a close one." "You... the minute your brother gets here with that van, get that horse off the post!" "Right." "Did you hide the horse?" "Oh, he's safe." "We got him in a place nobody's been near for six months." "Where?" "In the guest cottage." "The guest cottage?" "!" "Ernie, what's the matter?" "What did I...?" "That's where they brought the general." "We got to get the horse out of there." "On the double!" "Oh!" "Fellas!" "Please!" "Platoon, ho!" "I'll take that." "Yes, General." "Where's Colonel Hall?" "I'll get him, sir." "General Strait?" "Sergeant Bilko, sir." "I do hope you enjoy your stay at Fort Baxter." "Thank you." "Sir?" "Is there anything we can do to make you more comfortable, sir?" "No, thank you." "(clears throat)" "Sir?" "Would you like one of my men to help you with your bags, sir?" "I'll do it myself." "Sir?" "Now what?" "Oh, would it be advisable for one of my men to check in there to see...?" "Sergeant, that's my job-- to see that everything on this post is militarily correct." "And if it isn't, you will be among those who will be told," "I assure you." "(loud neighing)" "Well, that does it." "What do you figure we get?" "I don't know." "General on inspection finds a horse in his bedroom." "Uh... way I figure it, restricts the whole post to quarters for a month or so." "I get broken down to private." "No, no." "You got a good record." "They break you to corporal." "Corporal?" "The colonel will be a corporal." "Attention!" "Bilko?" "Yes." "Yes, Corporal-- uh, Colonel." "Is, uh, General Strait still inside?" "Yes, sir." "Uh, is he alone?" "Well, it's the way you look at it, Colonel." "What is he talk...?" "I'm going in." "Anderson." "Here goes." "General Strait." "Colonel Hall." "Welcome to Fort Baxter, General." "I hope you enjoy your..." "General... is there something wrong?" "(loud neighing)" "Colonel... are you responsible for that horse in there?" "(Hall clears his throat)" "General, I'm responsible for everything on this post." "Jack!" "I've spent my military life living by the book." "He called me Jack." "But when an old comrade goes to all this trouble just to remind me of those wonderful old days we spent together in the cavalry," "I guess I'm just a sentimental old fool, after all." "The minute I hit this post, I recognized that certain... (sniffing) ...air... of those days gone by, before mechanization." "Jack, this is going to be a happy inspection." "Let's go!" "He called me Jack!" "I wonder if the general would like to buy a horse cheap." "ANNOUNCER:" "Carter was played by Bob Shawley," "Henshaw by Allan Melvin, and Mullen was portrayed by Jack Healy."