" Sam!" " Oh, out here, honey." " Hi, sweetheart." " Hi." "Hello, young lady." "How are you?" "How are you?" "You promised to clean out the garage." "Oh, honey, I'm afraid it'll have to wait." "I've gotta go to a lecture." "Lecture?" "He's our client." "He has a new book coming out and we'll be handling the promotion and his lecture tour." "Were you planning to go alone?" "Oh, no, Larry and Louise will be stopping by to pick me up." "We'll be going to the afternoon lecture." "What's he lecturing about?" "Nothing you'd be interested in." "Try me." "Okay." "The title is Witchcraft of the World:" "Fact and Fallacies." "The lecturer wouldn't be, by any chance Osgood Rightmire, would it?" " You've heard of him." "He's a smug phoney who's been making a living for years telling all sorts of lies about witches." "Then there's no sense in going and ruining your afternoon." "I'm going." "I wouldn't miss this for the world." "No, you're not going." "There's no sense in going and spoiling your whole day." "Oh, Darrin, don't be silly." "He's too ridiculous to be taken seriously." "I just thought it might be amusing to hear him." "Couldn't I go if I promised to be good?" "Larry will be picking me up in half an hour." " No time to arrange for a babysitter." " I have an idea." " Lf it's what I think..." " Mother!" " Now, wait a minute." " Mother, could I see you for a moment?" "Well, Samantha, I hope it's something important." "Mother, we have to go out for a couple of hours." "Would you mind sitting with Tabatha until we get back?" "Well, all right." "I've got to get back to Tokyo for a few minutes." "A nice young Japanese poet is going to read me some of his love ballads." "I'll be right back." "She certainly gets around." "Oh, Darrin." "You know, she's really awfully good about babysitting." "For Mother, that is." "Well, I'll go and change." " I'm really looking forward to this." " Remember, you promised to be good." "Aren't I always?" "If I say yes, I'll be lying." "If I say no, I'm in trouble." "No comment." " Come on, honey, we'll be late." " Coming." "I think Sam will enjoy this." "Osgood Rightmire is a fascinating man." "Is that so?" "Larry says he's considered the top authority in his field." " By whom?" " Oh, you know." "Whoever it is who decides who top authorities are." "He really is highly respected." "He's been all over the world." "To all kinds of exotic places." "He's lived with witch doctors and voodoo men." "It's been a lifelong study with him." "Oh, well, everyone should have a hobby." "Maybe you'll get a chance to talk to him later." "Darrin, I took the liberty of asking him to join us here after the lecture." "Larry, I don't know." "Maybe he'll be tired." "Oh, goody." "Just think, Darrin, an authority on witchcraft here in our own little home." "Well, we better get going." "Come on, dear." "Genies, voodoo spirits leprechauns, trolls and witches are the companions of dull, primitive and ignorant people." " Well, that covers me." " He's insufferable." "Mind you, it's true that my extensive research has uncovered certain inexplicable events that have been attributed to so-called witches." "However after intensive investigation I have found that these manifestations are all manufactured or self-induced." "Believe me, there are no witches." " Wonderful, isn't he?" " Incredible." "And why do people like to call themselves witches?" "Well, I've met a great many people with so-called supernatural powers in my time and I'll tell you what I found out." "Scratch a witch and you'll find a neurotic bore who has no other claim to be interesting." "Relax, honey." "Just relax." "Relax, honey!" "Now, in case there are any of you in the audience who think you are a witch, let me say this:" "Here I am, Osgood Rightmire a 20th-century witch-hunter and your mortal enemy." "Cast your spells." "Strike me down." "I offer myself as your target." " Samantha!" " I'm sorry, darling." "It just slipped out." "It won't happen again." "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Ladies and gentlemen, you may think that I staged that but I didn't." "It was an accident." "However, that's the way superstitions start." "If I were a superstitious man I would say that a witch did it." "But I would have a remedy." "I would simply say:" "Any witches which are here" "From this moment disappear" "And with that, they would disappear." " Sam?" " Yes, dear?" " Where are you?" " Well..." "It can't be much of a spell." "Louise is still here." "That'll do, hon." "Thanks for the lift, Larry." "We'll see you after dinner." " I'll bring Bob Andrews, if it's all right." " Fine." "If he gives us that Rightmire article, it'll be a big help to the national tour." "Wonderful." "Bye-bye." " See you later." " So long." "You sure you're all right?" "Oh, don't worry, Darrin." "It was just that one time." "I'm sure it couldn't happen again." "It was pretty scary." "How would he know an incantation like that?" "Must've picked it up in his travels somewhere." "Amateurs shouldn't fool around with things like that." "Honey, I hate to mention it but somebody else did start the whole thing." "I know." "I'm sorry." " Well, when he's here tonight, no..." " Don't worry, Darrin." "I'll be a good little witch." "Sam?" "Sam!" " Sam, are you still here?" " I am in spirit, darling." "Right over here." "Would you mind proving it?" "Oh, honey." "This is a lot more serious than we thought." " What are you gonna do about it?" " Mother?" "Mother!" "You'll wake the baby!" "Oh, what a sweet child." "It's a pleasure to be with her." "She slept the whole time." "Mother." " What's this?" " Samantha!" "Samantha?" "Mama, I've got a problem." "Mother, have you found anything yet?" "No, there's nothing in here." "Oh, I'll find it, all right." " How do you feel, sweetheart?" " Well..." "Just hang on, darling." "Your lips feel funny." "That's because you kissed me on the eye." " Do something!" " Oh, it's your fault." "How could you expose your wife to a dangerous fanatic like Rightmire?" "Wait a minute." "I didn't want her to go." "She insisted." "Oh, I was under the impression that you were the head of the house." "This is no time to bicker." "Do you know how to stop it?" "Can you remember what Rightmire said?" "No." "It didn't even sound like an authentic incantation." "That's bad, huh?" "Oh, I've seen some cases that would make your hair turn blue." "Well, I'll just have to borrow some more books from Aunt Clara." "Oh, my stars!" "Well, it must be some exotic incantation." "And since it was executed by an amateur well, it can't be that powerful." "I'll just have to do some more research." " Hey, I made a comeback." " Thank goodness." "Hey, I don't know how long it's gonna last." "In the meantime, put a cold compress on your head take two aspirin and above all, keep yourself warm." " Any symptoms?" " Not yet." "Darrin, could I have a drink of water?" "Sure thing, honey." "Darrin." "Sam!" "Endora!" " When did it happen?" " Just now." "I wish you could remember a little more of what that simpleton said." "What did it sound like?" "I wasn't listening." "It was those ibbety-bibbety-sibbety-sab things "Out goes Y-O-U," and out she went." "Oh, you're a great help." "Try to remember so I'll know where to look." "Mother, it was one of those things I've never heard before." "I'll go down and ask Rightmire." "It's as simple as that." "You should've thought of that sooner." "I'll catch him before the evening lecture." "Well, don't trust your human memory." "Write it down!" "You missed." " Well, here I am again." " Oh, darling, sit down." "Everything's going to be all right, dear." "Mother's here." "I was particularly impressed with the way you handled that situation when..." "Well, you know." "Thank you, but I'd rather not be reminded." "I warned the management." "They better fix that platform, or they'll have a lawsuit." "The way you leaped right up and turned it into a point in your lecture." "Any witches which are here..." "Something or other..." "Disappear" "What'd you say first?" "Mr. Stephens, my contract in this town is for two lectures." "I do not intend to give a third in my dressing room." "I thought I might use it for a publicity release." "But you have my colourful personality to work with, Stephens." "What else do you want?" "Besides, the spell will be in my book which is coming out next month and I do not believe in giving away anything for nothing." " But, Mr. Rightmire, I believe that..." " Thank you for dropping by, Stephens." "You will be at our house tonight after the lecture, won't you?" "Possibly." "Who else will be there?" "Mr. Andrews, the editor of Pictorial Week." "All right, Stephens." "Rightmire should be through with his lecture about now." "We're anxious for you to meet him, Mr. Andrews." "I wonder if he does that business of tripping at each performance." "Of course he does." "It was so obviously staged." "Didn't you think so, Sam?" "Yes, yes, of course." "He kidded about the accident being caused by a witch and then he recited a spell to send the witch into limbo." "I wonder if he'd tell me his secret." "I have a few relatives I'd like to make disappear." "The entire lecture sounds like nonsense." "I found it quite interesting." "Didn't you, Samantha?" " Where did Samantha go?" " She was here just a second ago." "I wonder where she disappeared to." " What happened?" " I ran into some thick air." "I'll take a look in the kitchen." "That's probably where she is." "The kitchen." "Honey." "Honey, are you in here?" "Yes, dear." " Well, where are you?" " I'm right here." "Honey, try to hold on until Rightmire gets here." "Then everything will be all right." "Hello." "Oh, yes, Mr. Rightmire." "Oh, no, Mr. Rightmire..." "But, Mr. Rightmire, we're all expecting you." "I'm terribly sorry to disappoint you, Stephens but I'm rather tired and I have some important research to do tonight." "Yes." "Well, please extend my apologies to whoever it may concern, all right?" "Goodbye." "Now, my dear I'm all yours." " Oh, Mr. Rightmire." " Osgood." " I's good too." "Oh, no, my dear." "Osgood is my first name." "What's yours?" "Beverly." "And I'm thrilled, just thrilled to meet you." "Well, it was most sweet of you to come backstage and say such nice things about my modest little effort." "Oh, it wasn't modest at all." "It was what you were talking about that just drives me crazy." "It's so..." "So..." " Fascinating?" " No, spooky." "But, Mother, we have to get him here to find out what the spell was." "Don't worry, dear." "Osgood Rightmire will be here." " How can you be so sure?" " Why, his research will bring him here." "Right to Morning Glory Circle." "But..." "Let me concentrate." "I thought we might go to some nice, intimate little club and get to know each other better, what?" "Oh, that sounds just marvey." "And I know just the place." "Good." "Where is it?" "On Morning Glory Circle." "Well, lead the way." "Maybe we should've picked Mr. Rightmire up." "He might've gotten lost." "Not a chance, I assure you." "How can you be so sure?" "Mother means that any man who has hacked his way through mysterious jungles shouldn't have a problem." "He'll be here any minute now." "Is something wrong with the engine?" "What does it sound like?" "Well, I'm not mechanical." "That, my dear, is a matter of opinion." "Where's this club you were telling me about?" "I don't know." "Well, why did you say it was here?" "I don't know." "Well, I'll just go in the house and call the auto club." "It's cold out here." "Can I come with you?" "Oh, very well." "Oh, pardon me." "My car..." "Mr. Rightmire." "How nice of you to come." "Stephens." "I decided my research could wait." "Well, good, good." "And I brought along my niece who lives here in the town." " Beverly...?" " Niece?" " Beverly Niece." " No, Beverly Wilson." "Beverly Wilson." "This is Mr. Darrin Stephens." " Well, hello there." " How do you do?" "We were afraid you couldn't find the place." "There's some people here who are very anxious to meet you." "Won't you come in?" "One word out of you and I'll kill you." "I was having a drink with a major near the officers' mess in Bonga-Bonga and the door opened and in came this diminutive colonel approximately 9 inches high." "Immaculately dressed in every way." "He swarmed up the stool to the bar and ordered a drink." "The major said to the colonel, he said:" ""Colonel, tell Mr. Osgood about the time you fell out with a witch doctor."" " Can I freshen anybody's drinks?" " No, thank you." "Well, this has been most interesting, Mr. Rightmire." "Thank you, Mr. Andrews." "Of course, it's only one of many stories I have concerning witchcraft." " Fascinating, Mrs. Stephens?" " Yes, indeed." "I could listen to him all night, couldn't you?" "Well, perhaps not quite..." "Honey." "Pass me the ashtray, would you, Beverly, dear?" "Yes, sir." "I've been away for several years and I'm afraid my niece is a little awed by her illustrious uncle." " Isn't that it, dear?" " Yes, Uncle Rightmire." " Osgood." " Who?" "Mr. Rightmire, I'd like to do an article on you and your work." "I was telling him about the way you handled that situation this afternoon." "Oh, that." "Yes, he was positively wonderful." "You bet." "Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Osgood." "I'm particularly interested in witchcraft, Mr. Rightmire." "What was the spell you put on the witches in the audience?" "An ancient peasant incantation I translated from the Hungarian." "Yes, we were trying to remember it." "How does it go?" "As a publisher, I'm sure Mr. Andrews will appreciate the answer that I gave to your son-in-law earlier:" "Read my book." "He's absolutely right." "Excuse me." "I'll be right back." "Mother?" "Mother!" "He did it to me." "And without the incantation." "Mother, where are you?" "Here I am." "Mother, he's a warlock." "He could be." "Yes, he certainly could be." "And we've got to find out." "We'll just have to give him the ordeal by fire." "But how, and with what?" "The most simple test is to give him a glass of cayenne red peppers, hot sauce and a little tomato juice." "Of course." "If he can drink that, he's a warlock, all right." "I was in a village in darkest Africa investigating some strange voodoo rites and the chief came up to me and said..." "Excuse me." "After midnight, everyone." "Time for bloody marys." " Oh, that's a marvellous idea." " Fine." "Oh, thank you, Endora." "Thank you very much." "Well, here's to the success of your book, Mr. Rightmire." "Thank you." "Cayenne and red pepper?" "What for?" "You almost killed him." "To prove he isn't a warlock." "He doesn't even know what he's doing." "He's a stupid bungler." " Mother." " What?" "Maybe he has a charm, a talisman of some sort that he doesn't know anything about." "Yes." "Yes, that has to be it." " All right, back to the living room." " Yes." "Really, I'm awfully sorry, Mr. Rightmire." "I hope you're feeling better." " Fine, thank you." " I made you a fresh one." "No more, dear lady, no more." "Incidentally, I'm sure none of you know this, but the bayou folk of Louisiana use cayenne and red peppers as a test for warlocks." "That's a rather interesting ring, Mr. Rightmire." "Where did you get it?" "From an old mystic who lived at the headwaters of the Nile." " May I see it?" " This ring never leaves my finger." "Except for you, dear lady." "Did you see that?" "It practically jumped out of my hand." " Mother, I'm getting that feeling again." " Me too." "Come on." "It can't have gone very far." "No, I thought..." " Look above your hand." " You looking under the sofa?" "It's got to be in this room." "All right." "You first, dear." "Thank you, Mother." "It's too dangerous to be in the hands of an amateur." " Well, we can't let him have it back." " No." "He'll never know the difference." "Come on." "Is this the ring you're looking for?" "Yes." "Where did you find it?" "In the kitchen." "It must've rolled there." "It's a busy little ring, isn't it?" "Yes, well, I'd better be toddling along." "I have to get Miss Wilson back home." "I'm sure your little niece isn't used to being out so late." "Hey, what about the car, Uncle Rightmire?" "Oh, yes, of course." "The auto club." "Oh, doesn't it work?" "Why don't you try it again." "Yes." "Yes, I'll do that." "Well, Mrs. Stephens, thank you so much." "Oh, no, Mr. Rightmire." "Thanks to you, we've had an enchanting evening." "So be it." "Let me sum up by saying what you've all heard many times before:" "Discount coincidence, discredit fate dispense with superstition and you'll be secure, as I am in the conviction that there is no such thing as witchcraft." "Mr. Rightmire?" "Mr. Rightmire?" "Ta-ta."