"( theme music playing )" "IT WAS SO KIND OF YOU TO COME AT SHORT NOTICE, VICAR." "NOT AT ALL, MRS. BUCK" "BUCKFAST ABBEY IS A PLACE I'VE NEVER BEEN TO." "BUCKFAST ABBEY?" "OH, YEAH." "OH, WE MUST VISIT." "I'LL ORGANIZE A LITTLE OUTING." " I CAN'T." " CAN'T?" "...TELL YOU WHAT THAT WOULD MEAN TO ME, MRS. "BOUQUET."" "THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR, VICAR." " OH, INCIDENTALLY..." " ( gasps )" "I'M SORRY I HAD TO ASK YOU TO REMOVE YOUR SHOES." "I USUALLY ONLY INSIST ON TRADESMEN DOING THAT," "BUT AS YOU'VE PROBABLY NOTICED" "WE'VE JUST HAD OUR HERRINGBONE RELAQUERED." " I'M SORRY." " OH, PLEASE, DON'T BE." "ALTHOUGH IT'S A VERY EXPENSIVE PROCESS," "IT ONLY NEEDS TO BE DONE OCCASIONALLY." "OH, YOUR FLOOR, THE WOODBLOCK." "THAT'S RIGHT." "IT HAS A TENDENCY TO LOOSE ITS GLOSS." "I OFTEN WONDER WHETHER HER MAJESTY HAS THE SAME PROBLEM." "( phone rings )" " OH." "THAT'LL BE SOMEONE IMPORTANT." "I DOUBT IF IT'S HER MAJESTY" "AS SHE'LL BE ON HER WAY TO SANDRINGHAM, BY NOW." "BUT I EXPECT IT'S SOMEONE ELSE VERY SENIOR." "PLEASE EXCUSE ME." "THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING." "NO YOU CANNOT HAVE A NUMBER 41" "WITH NOODLES INSTEAD OF RICE." "DO I SOUND LIKE THE GREEN LOTUS?" "WHAT DO YOU MEAN "SOUNDS MORE LIKE THE GREEN DRAGON"?" "LOOK, I MUST WARN YOU," "YOU'RE SPEAKING TO A WHITE SLIMLINE TELEPHONE" "WITHIN THE PRECINCTS OF A CLERGYMAN." "AND A VERY MERRY CHINESE NEW YEAR TO YOU, TOO." "OH, VICAR, DON'T TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES." "I'M SURE HYACINTH WON'T EXPECT YOU TO DO THAT." "HELLO, ELIZABETH," "I'M NOT ARRIVING, I'M JUST LEAVING." "AND SHE DID?" "YES, SHE DID." " OH, DEAR." " IT'S A HERRINGBONE, APPARENTLY." " IT'S BEEN RELAQUERED." " OH, I SEE." "IT WAS NO PROBLEM." "WITH HYACINTH I ALWAYS FEEL I'M WALKING ON EGGS, ANYWAY." "I CAN NEVER GET THE HANG OF THE BUCKET "BOUQUET" THING." "I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN." "WITH ME IT'S COFFEE." "OH, I CAN SAY "COFFEE."" "NO, NO, NO, I CAN SAY "COFFEE,"" "IT'S JUST THAT I CAN'T HOLD IT STILL." "IT LEAPS ABOUT IN HYACINTH'S." "NEVER HAPPENS ANYWHERE ELSE." " MORNING, VICAR." " GOOD MORNING." "YOU, TOO, RICHARD?" "OH, YES, I ONCE LEFT A MARK ON THE WOODBLOCK." "IN 1968 I THINK IT WAS." "AH, GOOD DAY TO YOU." "I WISH TO SPEAK WITH YOUR EDITOR, PLEASE." "WHY?" "BECAUSE I HAVE CHOSEN TO FAVOR YOUR NEWSPAPER" "TO MAKE AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT." "I NEED THE ADVERTISING DEPARTMENT?" "WELL, PUT ME THROUGH TO SOMEONE SENIOR" "IN THE ADVERTISING DEPARTMENT." "ENJOY YOUR WALK, DEAR?" "NOT REALLY, MY FOOT'S RATHER SORE." "HOW NICE-- HELLO?" "IS THAT THE ADVERTISING DEPARTMENT?" "YES, WELL I WISH TO INSERT AN ANNOUNCEMENT." "WHAT DO YOU MEAN "IS IT HATCH, MATCH OR DISPATCH"?" "OH, BIRTHS, MARRIAGES, OR DEATHS, I SEE." "TRADE JARGON." "( laughs )" "NO, IT'S NONE OF THOSE THINGS," "NOR IS IT AN ENGAGEMENT ANNOUNCEMENT EITHER." "IT'S A FITTED KITCHEN." "I'M PLANNING A NEW FITTED KITCHEN" "AND I WANT TO PRINT AN ANNOUNCEMENT" "IN CASE I'VE OVERLOOKED TELLING ANY OF MY FRIENDS." "IT'S ALL TOO EASY" "FOR PEOPLE TO FEEL NEGLECTED." "YES." "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T PROVIDE FOR THAT KIND OF THING?" "YOU DO IT FOR BIRTHS, MARRIAGES AND DEATHS," "SURELY YOU CAN DO IT FOR FITTED KITCHENS," "DOWNMARKET TYPESETTER." "YOU TRY AND BRING A LITTLE HAPPINESS INTO PEOPLE'S LIVES" "AND THEN YOU DON'T GET ANY COOPERATION." "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS COUNTRY'S COMING TO." "RICHARD, WHY ARE YOU STARING AT YOUR FOOT?" "I'M SURE WELL-BRED PEOPLE" "DON'T STARE AT THEIR FEET." "FINGERNAILS PERHAPS" "IN A RATHER REFINED SORT OF GESTURE," "BUT TOENAILS NEVER." "IT'S VERY INNER-CITY TO STARE AT YOUR FEET." "I'VE GOT ITCHY TOES." "HMM?" "LIKE FRED ASTAIRE-- TORVILL AND DEAN?" "DON'T BE SILLY, RICHARD." "YOU CAN'T START A CAREER AS A DANCER AT YOUR TIME OF LIFE." "NOT THAT KIND OF ITCHY TOES." "I MEAN THE IRRITATING KIND." "I THINK I'LL LET THE DOCTOR HAVE A LOOK." "OH, RICHARD," "IF YOU MUST GO TO THE DOCTOR," "COULDN'T YOU GO WITH SOMETHING NICER?" "AND PLEASE PUT THAT AWAY IN MY KITCHEN." "WHY-- WHY WAS THE VICAR HERE?" "HE CAME BECAUSE I CALLED HIM." "I NEEDED HIS ADVICE." "ABOUT WHAT?" "I HAD TO CONSULT HIM ABOUT A COLOR I HAVE IN MIND" "FOR MY NEW KITCHEN WORK SURFACES." "AND FOR THAT YOU NEEDED THE VICAR'S HELP?" "OH, RICHARD." "WHEN YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE" "BETWEEN ANGEL GABRIEL BLUE AND LUCIFER GRAY," "YOU NEED A SPIRITUAL ADVISOR." "OH, I SEE." "I HAD TO HAVE THE VICAR'S CONFIRMATION" "THAT THIS IS ANGEL GABRIEL BLUE." "COME ON, YOU TWO." "IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU WERE UP." "OH, IT'S A REALLY LOVELY SUNNY DAY." "YEAH, I RECKON THE GOING'S GOOD TO FIRM." "ONSLOW, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME" "YOU THOUGHT ABOUT SOMETHING OTHER THAN HORSE RACING?" "OH, IT MUST BE AT LEAST FOUR MONTHS, NOW." "NOW, DON'T YOU START!" "WOULDN'T IT BE LOVELY" "IF THERE WERE FIELDS AND HILLS OUT THERE" "INSTEAD OF JUST GROTTY LITTLE HOUSES?" "THEY'RE ONLY THE SAME AS THIS ONE." "EXACTLY." "I LIKE THE COUNTRYSIDE." "OH, SO DO I." "I'VE HAD SOME LOVELY TIMES IN THE COUNTRY." "I BET YOU WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE ANY OF THE PLACES IN DAYLIGHT." "ONSLOW USED TO TAKE ME INTO THE COUNTRY." "SHE MEANS RABBITING." "IF IT WAS, I CAN RECOMMEND RABBITING." "( giggles )" "OH, COME ON, YOU TWO, GET UP." " THIS SINK'S NICE." " MMM-HUM." "NO, I THINK I PREFER THIS ONE." "NOW, LET'S SEE IF I'VE GOT THIS RIGHT." "NOW YOU'RE GOING TO SETTLE FOR THE..." " NATURAL OAK ANTIQUE AGED CUPBOARDS..." " THAT'S RIGHT." "BUT WITH THE MAJESTIC HANDLES." "YES, THE MAJESTIC HANDLES." "BUT WITH THE RICH GOLD FINISH." "WITH THE WORK TOPS IN TWEED BEIGE" "FROM THE ARISTOCRAT RANGE." "YES, YES I THINK SO." "DON'T YOU THINK SO?" "THE DOUBLE SINK THE BUILT-IN OVEN, FRIDGE, FREEZER." "THE LUXURY HEARTH AND THE SELF-CLEANING SPEEDFAST MICROWAVE." "THAT'S RIGHT." "THE ONE FROM THE AMBASSADOR CATALOG." "RIGHT." "I'LL GET OUR PLANNING EXPERT TO COME UP WITH SOME DESIGNS." "IT IS A VERY LARGE KITCHEN." "I IMAGINE THAT HE WILL SUGGEST" "AN L-SHAPED PENINSULA UNIT." " THAT'LL BE TERRIFIC." " YES, IT WOULD." "WE'LL WAIT TO HEAR FROM YOU, THEN." "THANK YOU." " GOODBYE, SIR, MADAM." " BYE-BYE." "CAN I HELP YOU, MADAM?" "I HOPE SO." "YOU ARE AGENTS FOR EXCLUSIVE KITCHENS, ARE YOU NOT?" "YES, WE ARE, MADAM." "OH." "( laughs )" "I'M THINKING OF HAVING MY KITCHEN REFITTED," "AND I RATHER LIKE THE LOOK" "OF THE ANGEL GABRIEL BOUDOIR TOP." "I'M AFRAID THAT'S NOT AVAILABLE, MADAM." "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "NOT AVAILABLE"?" "IT'S IN THE BROCHURE." "WHICH I THINK YOU'LL FIND IS OUT OF DATE." "OUT OF DATE?" "MAY I?" "YES, THERE YOU ARE, YOU SEE, MADAM?" "THIS IS LAST YEAR'S." "I'M AFRAID ANGEL GABRIEL BLUE" "ISN'T IN THE CURRENT BROCHURE." "HMM?" "WHYEVER NOT?" "I THINK EXCLUSIVE KITCHENS HAD VERY FEW REQUESTS FOR IT." "SO ARE YOU SAYING" "THAT THIS PARTICULAR WORKTOP WON'T BE FOUND IN MANY HOMES?" "WELL, I SUPPOSE YOU COULD PUT IT THAT WAY." "I SEE." "YOU'RE CERTAIN IT'S NO LONGER AVAILABLE" " FROM NORMAL SOURCES." " THAT IS CORRECT." "GOOD!" "THAT'S EXCELLENT." "I BEG YOUR PARDON?" "NOW, HERE'S A DRAWING OF MY KITCHEN." "WITH THE MEASUREMENTS" "IN FEET AND INCHES, YOU UNDERSTAND." "I DON'T HOLD WITH THE METRIC SYSTEM" "AND ALL THAT E.C. CHANNEL TUNNEL NONSENSE." "WOULD YOU KINDLY TELEPHONE" "EXCLUSIVE KITCHENS FOR ME, PLEASE?" "THEY MIGHT JUST HAPPEN TO HAVE ENOUGH ANGEL GABRIEL BLUE" "LEFT OVER TO FULFILL MY REQUIREMENTS." "I THINK THAT'S MOST UNLIKELY, MADAM." "WHAT KIND OF ATTITUDE IS THAT?" "IF WE DON'T TRY, WE WON'T KNOW, WILL WE?" "NO, MADAM." " JUST A MINUTE." " YOU'VE CHANGED YOUR MIND?" "NO, I JUST WANT TO CHECK SOMETHING." "DO ANY OF THESE WORKTOPS" "COME FROM THE EXCLUSIVE RANGE?" "YES, MADAM." "THAT ONE DOES." "OH, AND THAT ONE." "OH, GOOD." "YOU WON'T BE TOO LONG, WILL YOU?" "MY HUSBAND'S RETURNING HOME FROM THE DOCTOR, SOON." "HE HAS A VERY EXCLUSIVE MOBILITY PROBLEM." "I'LL BE AS QUICK AS I CAN, MADAM." "THANK YOU." "HAVE YOU GOT A PEN I CAN BORROW?" "WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU DOING?" "I'M JUST CHECKING TO SEE HOW WORKTOPS IN THIS RANGE" "COPE WITH SPILLAGES." "MY SON SHERIDAN SOMETIMES IS VERY OVERENTHUSIASTIC" "IN THE KITCHEN." "HE DOES TEND TO SPILL THINGS," "AND LEAVE TRACES OF INGREDIENTS ABOUT." "HIS FAIRY CAKE MIXTURE GETS EVERYWHERE." "HOW DID YOU GET ON?" "WHAT?" "OH, UM." "I'VE SPOKE TO THE PRODUCT MANAGER," "AND SURPRISINGLY IT LOOKS AS THOUGH" "THEY WILL BE ABLE TO PROVIDE WHAT YOU REQUIRE." "HOW WONDERFUL!" "YES, YOU'RE LUCKY IT'S A FAIRLY SMALL KITCHEN." "WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO PLACE AN ORDER?" "ONLY WHEN I FINISH CONDUCTING THESE TESTS." "WE DO CLOSE AT LUNCH TIME TODAY." "ALTHOUGH I MAY HAVE TO LEAVE THE CAKE MIXTURE" "UNTIL IT SETS AND COME BACK." "WHO WAS THAT HORRIBLE THING" "YOU USED TO GO OUT WITH BEFORE YOU MET ME?" "I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOU." "NO IT WASN'T!" "IT WAS HER FROM COLEMAN STREET." "OH, BERNADETTE." "SHE LOOKED MORE LIKE A SAINT BERNADETTE." "OH!" "SHE WASN'T BAD." "SHE WAS HORRIBLE." "WELL, I USED TO DABBLE IN HORRIBLE." "WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG AND HEALTHY, IT'S ALL PART OF LIFE'S RICH TAPESTRY." "I'M PART OF LIFE'S RICH TAPESTRY." "WHAT KIND OF TALK IS THAT" "WHEN YOUR FATHER'S LYING IN THE NEXT ROOM" "IN A WORLD OF HIS OWN?" "AH, BUT, WE'RE STILL YOUNG." "AT THIS TIME IN THE MORNING, NOBODY'S YOUNG." "I WOULDN'T MIND IF YOU WEREN'T SO ATTRACTIVE TO WOMEN." "THAT'LL FADE IN TIME." "DON'T YOU LIKE A TOUCH OF ROMANCE?" "I WON'T SAY I DISLIKE IT." "ONCE YOU GET STARTED, IT'S SURPRISING" "HOW EASILY YOU CAN GET INVOLVED." "WELL THEN." "GOOD HEAVENS, IS IT THAT TIME ALREADY?" "NOW, DEAR, WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY?" "IT'S ATHLETE'S FOOT." "BUT IT CAN'T BE ATHLETE'S FOOT." "DIDN'T YOU TELL HIM YOU'RE A RETIRED EXECUTIVE?" "IF YOU'VE GOT ANYTHING, IT'S EXECUTIVE'S FOOT." "IT'S A MINOR FUNGUS INFECTION." "FUNGUS INFECTION?" "!" "RICHARD, I WILL NOT TOLERATE" "YOU BEING DIAGNOSED AS FUNGUS." "I WON'T HEAR OF IT." "OOOH!" "WHY IS RICHARD LIMPING?" " IS HE LIMPING?" " YES." "HE CAME UP THE DRIVE LIKE "SHORT JOHN SILVER."" "HA-HA!" "GIN, LAD!" "I EXPECT IT COMES" "FROM CONSTANTLY REMOVING HIS SHOES." "THAT COULD BE IT." "UNLESS OF COURSE" "HE'S BEEN DOING SOME UNACCUSTOMED PHYSICAL LABOR." "SUCH AS WHAT?" "SUCH AS PUSHING HYACINTH OVER A CLIFF." "OH, EMMET." "( phone rings )" "ANSWER IT, SIS, AND TELL HER "NO!"" "TELL HER YOU'VE SUDDENLY BECOME ALLERGIC TO COFFEE." "MAKES NO DIFFERENCE, I NEVER DRINK ANY," "I JUST SPILL IT." "YES, THANK YOU, HYACINTH." "IN 10 MINUTES." "YES, WE'LL BE THERE." "( piano keys thud )" "WE?" "!" "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WE?" "WELL, SHE KNOWS YOU'RE IN." "SHE MUST HAVE SEEN YOU." "HOW COULD SHE?" "I'VE BEEN SO CAREFUL." "I HAVEN'T BEEN OUTSIDE FOR DAYS." "OH, LOOK AT ME, LIZ, I'VE GOT PRISON PALLOR." "WE MUST THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE." "IF IT'S ATHLETE'S FOOT, IT'S ATHLETE'S FOOT." "IT IS A FUNGUS INFECTION." "RICHARD, DO YOU SERIOUSLY BELIEVE" "THAT I WOULD HAVE MARRIED AN ATHLETE WITH A FUNGUS INFECTION?" "NO, IT'S CLEARLY A WRONG DIAGNOSIS." "HE'S GIVEN ME SOME CREAM FOR IT." "WELL, DON'T LET ANYBODY SEE THE LABEL." "NOW, WHAT CAN YOU HAVE" "THAT WOULD MAKE YOU LIMP, AND AT THE SAME TIME" "BE SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE?" "NOW, HELP ME, RICHARD." "THINK." "BEFORE ELIZABETH AND EMMET COME FOR COFFEE," "YOU'VE GOT TO COME DOWN WITH SOMETHING PAINFUL BUT POLITE." "ANY MORE BREAKFAST?" "( music plays )" "THANKS, DAISE." "YOU SEE, NOW THAT'S WHAT MARRIAGE IS ALL ABOUT" "THE LITTLE THOUGHTFUL ATTENTIONS," "NOT THAT PHYSICAL STUFF." "I CAN'T REMEMBER IT EVER BEING THAT PHYSICAL." "THERE'S SOMEBODY ELSE IN FATHER'S BED." "I HOPE IT ISN'T THAT MRS. ACASTER." "SHE LEAVES TOFFEE PAPERS." "IT'S A FELLA." "DO I--?" "DO I REALLY NEED THAT?" "YOU DO IF YOU'VE GOT GOUT." "GOUT?" "!" "BUT THAT'S WORSE THAN A FUNGUS INFECTION." "NOT IN MY BOOK." "YOUR GOUT IS AN AFFLICTION" "ACCEPTABLE IN THE VERY HIGHEST CIRCLES." "OH." "IT COMES FROM AN EXCESS OF GOOD LIVING." "GOUT IS PRACTICALLY A PEDIGREE." "YOU HAVE GOUT." "UH, HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO WEAR THIS?" "UNTIL THERE'S NO MORE TALK OF FUNGUS INFECTION." "ONSLOW, YOU'D BETTER GO IN." "HE'S YOUR FATHER!" "EXACTLY, HE'S GOING TO BE MORE EMBARRASSED IF IT'S ME." " YOU'D BETTER GO IN." " WHY ME?" "BECAUSE THERE'S NOBODY BETTER WHEN IT COMES TO HANDLING MEN." "I DON'T KNOW WHY PEOPLE KEEP SAYING THAT." "HONESTLY, THE PROBLEMS WE HAVE WITH YOUR FATHER," "IT'S ABOUT TIME YOUR HYACINTH HAD HIM UNDER HER ROOF." "OH, ONSLOW, HE'S NOT BEEN THAT BAD." "WE CAN'T PUNISH HIM LIKE THAT." "IT WOULD BE INHUMAN." "IT'S ALL RIGHT." "IT'S NOT SOMEBODY IN BED WITH FATHER," "IT'S SOMEBODY IN FATHER'S BED." "IT'S A MR. MAWSBY." "FATHER'S GONE." "WHERE'S HE GONE?" "I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE'S GONE." "MAWSBY?" "DO WE KNOW A MAWSBY?" "DO WE KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING IN YOUR FATHER'S BED?" "OH, HE'S RENTED IT FROM FATHER." "HE'S GOT A RECEIPT." "OH, NICE." " THERE." " THANK YOU." "AND I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE THIS ONE, ELIZABETH." "I LOVE IT!" "( laughs )" "NOW DO HELP YOURSELVES TO A COTSWOLD CREAM," "I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU ENJOY A REALLY NICE BISCUIT." "THANK YOU VERY MUCH, HYACINTH," "BUT I'M REALLY TRYING TO GIVE UP BISCUITS." "THEY'RE PLUM FLAVORED WITH A HINT OF HONEYSUCKLE" "AND A TOUCH OF LIME." "SOUND DELIGHTFUL, DON'T THEY, EMMET?" "YES, DELIGHTFUL." "A LITTLE HEAVY ON THE CALORIES, PERHAPS," "BUT LIFE WOULDN'T BE WORTH LIVING IF ONE COULDN'T ENJOY" "THE OCCASIONAL TREAT WITH ONE'S BEST FRIENDS." "OOH, I'LL JUST ASK RICHARD TO JOIN US." "HE'S WALKING VERY BADLY I'M AFRAID." "I SAW HE WAS LIMPING." " GOUT!" " ( gasps )" "IT COMES FROM AN EXCESS OF GOOD LIVING." "THE DUKE OF DURHAM WAS A MARTYR TO IT." "THE DUKE OF DURHAM?" "WHY ARE YOU LOOKING SO CHEERFUL?" "I'VE GOT A" "A CUP WITH A LID ON IT." "I THINK IT'S BRILLIANT." "I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL HOW PROBLEMS CAN BE SOLVED SO SIMPLY." "DO YOU REALLY, LIZ?" "AND HOW WERE YOU PLANNING TO DRINK IT?" "YOU JUST TAKE THE LID OFF" "THEN I'M BACK WHERE I STARTED." "NOW GENTLY, GENTLY, OOH." "All:" "OOOH!" "OH, DEAR." "OH, DEAR." "OH, DEAR." "OH, RICHARD, THAT LOOKS VERY PAINFUL." "IT IS." "HAVE YOU HAD A COTSWOLD CREAM?" "( screams )" "IT IS." "IT IS VERY PAINFUL." "COMES ON SUDDENLY, DOES IT?" "SUDDEN ATTACKS, YES." "OUT OF THE BLUE." "UH!" "OH, NO!" "A STRANGE MAN IN THE HOUSE." "THERE'S BEEN ONE HERE FOR YEARS." "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?" "WELL, I KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO." "SITTHEREWATCHINGTELLY," "WHEN THERE'S A STRANGE MAN IN FATHER'S BED!" "THROW HIM OUT." "YOU CAN'T, HE'S GOT A RECEIPT." " HOW LONG DO YOU THINK HE'S BEEN THERE?" " OOH, DON'T ASK ME." "WHEN DID YOU LAST SEE FATHER?" "I CAN'T REMEMBER." "BUT YOU GAVE HIM HIS TEA YESTERDAY." "I KNOW, BUT I NEVER LOOK AT HIM!" "I JUST SORT OF HOLD OUT THE PLATE," "AND THIS HAND GRABS IT." "I DON'T LIKE LOOKING AT HIM WHEN HE'S EATING." "ME NEITHER." "( both gasp )" "I WONDER JUST HOW LONG MR. MAWSBY'S BEEN THERE." "OH, NICE." "HERE'S ME, THE BREADWINNER," "AND LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH IT." "FEEDING A MR. MAWSBY!" "WE'LL HAVE TO TELL OUR HYACINTH." " OH." " OH." "I'M TERRIBLY SORRY, HYACINTH," "BUT IT WAS SO DIFFICULT TO GET THE LID OFF." "PLEASE DON'T CONCERN YOURSELF, ELIZABETH." "I'M SURE YOU CAN'T HELP IT." "YOU WERE PROBABLY JUST BORN CLUMSY." "I'M THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE A FUSS" "OVER A LITTLE SPILLAGE." "EVEN THOUGH IT DOES STAIN SO" "OH, AND SPREAD." "NO, NO, NO, YOU'RE A GUEST." "CAN I HELP?" "NO YOU CAN'T, RICHARD." "YOU JUST SIT THERE, DEAR." "YOU'RE IN FAR TOO MUCH PAIN?" "TOO MUCH PAIN." "POOR RICHARD," "TRUST HIM TO GET A DUKE'S DISEASE." ""DUCK'S" DISEASE?" "DUKE, EMMET, DUKE'S DISEASE!" "GOUT!" "HIS FOOT IS SO PAINFUL," "HE CAN'T EVEN BEAR THE VIBRATIONS OF THE CLOSING OF A DOOR." "JUST WATCH HIM." "( screams )" "YOU SEE?" "POOR RICHARD." "I'LL JUST GET YOUR COFFEE, ELIZABETH." "OH, LOOK, HYACINTH," "I THINK I'LL GO WITHOUT COFFEE." "NONSENSE, I INVITED YOU FOR COFFEE," "AND COFFEE YOU SHALL HAVE." "OH, NO, PLEASE, HYACINTH." " I'D REALLY MUCH PREFER" " WORRY NOT!" "I HAVE THE SOLUTION." "PLAN "B," NO HALF MEASURES." "THE OBVIOUS ANSWER." "I SPOTTED THIS IN A SHOP THE OTHER DAY," "AND I SHALL KEEP IT ESPECIALLY FOR YOU." "THANK YOU, HYACINTH," "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY." "WELL, I KNEW YOU'D BE DELIGHTED." "MISS, MISS, PLEASE, MISS," "CAN I HAVE A STRAW FOR MINE, MISS?" "OH, EMMET," "MUSICAL AND A SENSE OF HUMOR." "NOW, HERE YOU ARE, ELIZABETH." "AND PLEASE NOTE," "PINK FOR A LITTLE GIRL." "THANK YOU, HYACINTH." "OH, I ALMOST FORGOT." "WE MUST COVER ALL CONTINGENCIES." "JUST IN CASE YOU SHOULD DROP THIS ONE" "WE DON'T WANT THE LID TO COME OFF, DO WE?" "I LEAVE THIS WITH YOU, EMMET." "I'M SURE YOU HAVE THE NECESSARY BOY SCOUT QUALITIES." " DIB, DIB!" " DOB, DOB." "OH, DON'T FORGET MY COTSWOLD CREAMS." "THEY'RE MADE FROM AN ANCIENT COUNTRY RECIPE." "OH, THANK YOU, HYACINTH." "PLATE?" " SUGAR?" " THANK YOU, HYACINTH." "DON'T WORRY, HYACINTH." "I WAS REALLY TRYING TO CUT DOWN ON SUGAR, ANYWAY." "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO TELL HER?" "YOU'RE GOING TO TELL HER FATHER'S MISSING." "I KNOW, BUT FOR HOW LONG?" "SHE'S GOING TO WANT TO KNOW HOW LONG." "( coughing )" "HE CAN'T HAVE BEEN GONE LONG." "WE CAN'T HAVE BEEN FEEDING MR. MAWSBY FOR WEEKS." "WE'D HAVE NOTICED." "IT'S A CLEAR CASE OF NEGLECT." "DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE YOUR FATHER." " YOU NEVER NOTICED EITHER." " I WAS BUSY." "HYACINTH'S GOING TO GO MAD." "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO TELL HER?" "PERSONALLY, I ALWAYS THINK IT'S BEST TO TELL THE TRUTH." "DON'T LIE." "OH, LET'S PUT A LIMIT ON IT." "LET'S SAY..." "HE CAN'T POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN GONE MORE THAN THREE DAYS." "RIGHT, OKAY." "THREE DAYS MAXIMUM." "THAT'S OUR STORY AND WE STICK TO IT." "I'M SORRY, ELIZABETH," "I'VE RUN OUT OF CASTER SUGAR." "RICHARD DOES TEND TO OVERINDULGE" "ON HIS BREAKFAST CEREAL, DON'T YOU, DEAR?" "OH, I DON'T THINK WE SHALL BE NEEDING THAT AFTER ALL." "PLEASE, DON'T WORRY, HYACINTH," "( phone rings )" "NOW DON'T WORRY, ELIZABETH," "IT HASN'T GONE OVER MY FURNITURE" "OR ANYTHING THAT MATTERS." "I WARN YOU, I'M NOT CHINESE." "NOW, THIS IS THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE" "THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SP-- PARDON?" "I'M SORRY, OPERATOR." "YOU HAVE A REVERSE CHARGE CALL FOR ME?" "WELL OF COURSE I'LL ACCEPT IT." "IT'S PROBABLY SHERIDAN." "( laughing )" "OH, IT'S YOU, DAISY." "NO, DEAR, I GET THESE FUNNY PHONE CALLS." "NO, THEY'RE NOT FROM A CHINAMAN." "NO, THEY'RE NOT OBSCENE" "AT LEAST I DON'T THINK THEY ARE." "COULD BE A CODE, THOUGH." "IS THERE ANYTHING I OUGHT TO KNOW ABOUT A NUMBER 41?" "NO, HE WANTED BEAN SHOOTS WITH IT." "IT'S MY SISTER DAISY." "YOU REMEMBER DAISY." "SHE'S NOT THE ONE WITH THE MERCEDES" "THE SWIMMING POOL AND ROOM FOR A PONY." "DAISY, WHY DID YOU REVERSE THE CHARGE, DEAR?" "UH, HUH," "WELL, WHY ARE YOU CALLING FROM A PAY PHONE?" "OH, ONSLOW'S BEEN CUT OFF AGAIN," "SURPRISE, SURPRISE." "I'M NOT ASKING FOR MONEY TO PAY THE PHONE BILL." "TELL HER WE DON'T NEED HER TO PAY THE PHONE BILL." "I'LL PAY THE PHONE BILL." "HOW?" "I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING." "I WAS JUST WONDERING, OUR HYACINTH," "IF YOU WERE THINKING OF VISITING FATHER" "IN THE VERY NEAR FUTURE?" "'CAUSE IF YOU ARE," "THERE'S SOMETHING I OUGHT TO WARN YOU ABOUT." "HE'S NOT LOOKING HIS OLD SELF." "( laughs )" "NOW, DON'T PANIC, HYACINTH," "FATHER'S FINE-- AS FAR AS WE KNOW." "THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM." "I THINK." "IT'S JUST THAT IF YOU ARE COMING TO VISIT HIM," "YOU'LL FIND HIM CHANGED." "TELL HER PROPERLY, DAISE," "STOP BEATING ABOUT." "HOW HAS HE CHANGED?" "WELL," "AT THE MOMENT," "HE'S SORT OF CHANGED INTO A MR. MAWSBY." "( nasal laugh )" "NO, HE DOESN'T THINK HE'S A MR. MAWSBY." "THIS TIME, HE REALLY IS A MR. MAWSBY." "I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE ME." "WELL, YOU BETTER COME AND SEE FOR YOURSELF." "THERE'S A MR. MAWSBY" "WHERE FATHER USED TO BE." "DO COME ALONG, RICHARD." "THIS IS AN EMERGENCY," "SOMETHING'S HAPPENED TO DADDY." "DO I HAVE TO WEAR THIS THING?" "OF COURSE YOU HAVE TO WEAR THAT THING." "YOU'VE GOT GOUT!" "PLEASE REMEMBER YOU'VE GOT GOUT." "NOW COME ALONG, DEAR." "TRY TO LOOK DIGNIFIED, DEAR." "LET SUFFERING BECOME YOU." "IF SUFFERING DOESN'T BECOME ME," "I DON'T KNOW WHO IT BECOMES." "QUICK AS YOU CAN, DEAR." "OW!" "OH, THAT'S BETTER." " OH, NO." " WHAT'S THE MATTER?" "I THOUGHT I HAD THAT SPARE PAIR OF SHOES IN HERE." "OH, NO, DEAR." "THEY'RE IN THE HALL CUPBOARD." "YOU CAN'T DRIVE IN THAT." "NO, I'M PUTTING IT ON AGAIN" "TO GO BACK INTO THE HOUSE TO GET THE SHOES." "( laughs )" "WE HAVEN'T TIME FOR ALL THAT." " JUST DRIVE WITH YOUR BARE FOOT." " BARE FOOT?" "PEOPLE IN NIGERIA OFTEN DRIVE WITH BARE FEET." "YOU SAW THAT PROGRAM, REMEMBER?" "WE'RE NOT IN NIGERIA." "USE YOUR IMAGINATION, DEAR." "PUT YOUR SEATBELT ON." "AND HURRY UP, DEAR." "IT FEELS VERY STRANGE." "RICHARD, LIFE IS FULL" "OF NEW EXPERIENCES." "( engine starts )" "( gears sputtering )" "RICHARD!" "WHATEVER WILL THE NEIGHBORS THINK?" "( gears grind )" "MIND THE BICYCLE." "I DID MIND THE BICYCLE." "I'VE MINDED THE BICYCLE BY THE MILE." "WHY ARE YOU GETTING BAD TEMPERED?" "I HOPE THAT GOUT'S NOT GOING TO MAKE YOU BAD TEMPERED." " MIND THE LORRY." " I'M PERFECTLY AWARE OF THE LORRY!" "IT IS." "GOUT'S MAKING YOU IRRITABLE." "I HELP YOU RISE ABOVE A COMMON FUNGUS INFECTION" "AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET." "YOU CAN DRIVE WITH A FUNGUS INFECTION." "YOU CAN'T DRIVE PROPERLY WITH A BARE FOOT!" "THEY CAN IN NIGERIA!" "IF THEY'VE LOST DADDY," "I'LL NEVER FORGIVE THEM." "I'D NEVER HAVE LEFT DADDY WITH THEM" "IF I THOUGHT THEY WERE GOING TO LOSE HIM." "I DON'T LIKE HIM LIVING IN THIS AREA, ANYWAY." "RICHARD." "YOUR FATHER WAS BORN ROUND HERE." "YES, BUT IT WAS NICER THEN." "NOBODY WENT AROUND IN JUST A VEST." "I'D HAVE HIM TO LIVE WITH US" "IF HE WASN'T SO ROUGH WITH SHERIDAN'S TOYS." "UH!" "RICHARD." "AND THEY TELL US THE THIRD WORLD'S OVERSEAS." "COME ALONG, RICHARD," "KEEP UP, DEAR." "DON'T DAMAGE THE GATE, DEAR." "( barking )" "OH, HELLO, OUR HYACINTH." "THIS IS A FRIEND OF MINE," "MR. MERIWEATHER." "WE MET EARLIER TODAY." "HELLO, MRS. BUCKET." "I'VE PUT YOUR ORDER THROUGH." "ORDER?" "WHAT ORDER?" "OH, JUST SOME KITCHEN FURNITURE." "RUNNINGALONG," "MR. MERIWEATHER?" "YES, I'D BETTER BE OFF." "GOODBYE, ROSE." "OH, OH." "TILL THE NEXT TIME." "AFTERNOON." "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH RICHARD'S FOOT?" "GOUT." "THE RESULT OF GOOD LIVING." "DON'T WORRY, IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU'D PICK UP IN THE BACK OF A CAR." "( woman screams on television )" " HELLO, DAISY." " NOW YOU SIT DOWN, DEAR." " HELLO, ONSLOW." " HI, RICHARD." "WHAT'S WRONG WITH RICHARD'S FOOT?" " I ASKED HER THAT." " GOUT." "IT'S AN AFFLICTION THAT COMES FROM GOOD LIVING." "I HAVE A TWINGE MYSELF OCCASIONALLY." "I DOUBT IT, ONSLOW." "YOU PROBABLY GOT A FUNGUS INFECTION." "NOW TELL ME," "WHAT'S THIS ABOUT SOMEBODY IN DADDY'S BED?" "OH, IT'S NOT A SOMEBODY." "IT'S A MR. MAWSBY." " WELL, GET HIM OUT." " WE CAN'T, HE'S GOT A RECEIPT." "OH, I'LL GET HIM OUT." "I KNEW SHE'D HAVE THE SOLUTION." "SHE'S GREAT AT SOLUTIONS, IS OUR HYACINTH." "I CAN'T GET OVER THAT FOOT OF YOURS, RICHARD." "FANCY, MARRIED TO HYACINTH," "AND HAVING GOUT." "WELL, AT LEAST THE GOUT'S CURABLE." "YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER FACE," "JUST BECAUSE I WAS SAYING CHERI-BYE TO MR.MERIWEATHER." "HIS DOOR'S LOCKED AND HE WON'T ANSWER." "YOU'LL HAVE TO PUT THAT LADDER UP TO THE WINDOW." "I'M NOT GOING UP ANY LADDERS." "SUPPOSE I FELL OFF?" "I DON'T KNOW HOW ANYONE DARE TAKE SUCH A RISK" "WITH THE GREAT WHITE HOPE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION." "GET THE LADDER, ONSLOW." " NOOO!" " ( screams )" " AHH." "NOW THAT WAS CONVINCING." "WHY COULDN'T YOU DO IT LIKE THAT WHEN ELIZABETH AND EMMET CAME TO COFFEE?" "THIS WAS FOR REAL!" "THEY'VE TROT ON MY FOOT" "THE GOOD ONE!" "HYACINTH, COME AND SEE WHAT ONSLOW'S GOT ME." "OOH, YES." "COME ON, HYACINTH." "IT'S A WORK TOP." "PRETTY COLOR, ISN'T IT?" "MR. MERIWEATHER THINKS IT'S CALLED" "ANGEL GABRIEL BLUE." "THEY WERE GIVING IT AWAY DOWN THE TIP." "DON'T YOU LIKE IT?" "ONSLOW'S GOING TO BUILD IT IN PROPERLY FOR ME, SOMETIME." "THAT'S LOVELY." "LOVELY, DAISY." "AND THAT WON'T BE SEEN IN MANY HOMES" "CERTAINLY NOT IN MINE." "( television turns on )" "HE'S GOT NO HEAD FOR HEIGHTS." " NEVER EVEN LIKED TALL WOMEN." " BERNADETTE WAS TALL." "DID YOU EVER SEE HER UPRIGHT?" "ONSLOW'S VERY STRONG, THOUGH." "I OFTEN THINK HOW SAFE I AM" "IN THOSE STRONG ARMS." "NOT ALL THAT EXCITED, BUT SAFE." "WE HAD A ROMANTIC INTERLUDE LAST WEEK." "NO WE DIDN'T." "YOU HELPED ME MEND MY BICYCLE." "OH, AYE." "I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING." "HYACINTH, YOU'LL HAVE TO GO UP THE LADDER." "I'M NOT GOING UP A LADDER IN BROAD DAYLIGHT," "IN AN AREA OF SOCIAL DEPRIVATION." "I CAN'T LET ONSLOW DO IT," "I MIGHT NEED HIM TO PUMP UP MY TIRES." "I" " I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING." "ARE YOU SURE?" "WELL, OF COURSE I'M SURE!" "LOOK, DEAR, IF YOU'D CLIMB JUST A LITTLE HIGHER," "YOU COULD PUT YOUR HAND THROUGH THE FANLIGHT." " DON'T KNOCK MY DISH." " AND DON'T TEAR MY NETS." "WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP SHOUTING AT ME?" "THIS REQUIRES CONCENTRATION." "WHAT'S GOING ON?" "DADDY!" "( barking )" "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" "WE'VE BEEN WORRIED ABOUT YOU." "UHHH-UHHH-UHHH!" "( screams )" "RICHARD, COME DOWN." "I CAN'T GET DOWN!" " OH, HIS POOR FOOT." "YOU SEE, THAT'S WHAT COULD'VE HAPPENED TO ME." "ONSLOW!" "GET ME DOWN OFF HERE!" "IT'S A MADHOUSE." "A FLAMING MADHOUSE." "UHHH!" "YOU'VE GOT A NERVE RENTING ME A BED WITH THIS LOT." "I'VE A GOOD MIND TO ASK FOR MY MONEY BACK." "( screaming )" "THERE, DADDY, D-D-DON'T CRY" "YOU'RE BACK, THAT'S THE MAIN THING." "I'LL PUT THE KETTLE ON AND MAKE YOU A NICE CUP OF TEA." "I'LL GIVE YOU A HAND." "I WOULDN'T LET HIM PLAY WITH YOUR SKATEBOARD." "SOME GOOD TELLY ON TONIGHT." " DO YOU WATCH "NEIGHBORS," HYACINTH?" " HMM?" "ONLY WHEN THEY'RE IN DANGER" "OF LETTING THE AREA DOWN." "THEN I FEEL IT'S MY DUTY" "TO KEEP AN EYE ON THEM." "ONSLOW!" "GOODNIGHT, ONSLOW!" "THIS-- THIS IS NOT GOUT," "THIS IS A FUNGUS INFECTION!" "I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW" "THAT THIS IS A FUNGUS INFECTION!" "( theme music plays )"