"(OMINOUS HORN)" "Your move." "Hmm..." "Hmm." "(MOVES PIECE)" "Huh?" "Mm." "(HUFFS)" "(SEETHES) Hm... (WOOSH) Ha!" "You lose, again." "38-0 to me, yes!" "Oh, dear (!" ") Are you sure you're not letting me win?" "Mm-mm-mm-mm-mn." "No, no, no." "Rita, you know you and I could never...uh..." "Hm?" "(ALARM) Oooh." "The boss." "Yeah, so you come in here and then you..." "Oh, Your Eminence." "You caught me planning." "How embarrassing." "I'm sending you the co-ordinates now." "It should be simple, even for you." "Why, thank you." "Do not fail me this time." "Fear not." "I shall put my very best agents on it." "Huh?" "Huh?" "Far, far ago, the ancients wrote upon the scrolls that dark forces would sweep our realm, until only Yonderland remained." "But they telled also of a saviour come from a distant world to save us from the shadows." "With any luck." "(CHILDREN SHOUTING) OK, Danny reckons that I should " "Is he the one with the eye?" "No, he's the one with the scarf." "Danny reckons that I should put a showreel together and maybe get an agent." "What?" "!" "I know, it's a silly idea." "It's what I thought." "No, no, it's not a silly idea." "It's not." "It's just I didn't realise you could get agents for" " Regional theatre." "Danny's a proper actor." "He's done Hamlet, and Pinter... and Doctors." "Look, this is his showreel." "He does loads of acting." "Yeah." "Some would say too much." "Forget it." "Oh, come on." "No, forget it." "Show me." "I've got to go and drop the kids off anyway." "Kids!" "Do you hate me now?" "No more than usual." "Well, what if I did a carpet picnic for dinner?" "Forgiven." "Mm." "(BUZZ)" "Debbie!" "Come quickly!" "There's no time to lose!" "Well, surely I can get dressed." "Nope." "Why did we have to..." "I..." "(GIGGLES)" "(STRIKES MATCH) # Happy birthday at you" "♪ Happy birthday at you" "♪ Happy birthday at Debbie" "♪ Happy - Er...guys." "It's not my birthday." "So, it has to be a specific day?" "Mm." "(GROANS) Ah!" "Wierd." "And as every year is the same length, you can mark the anniversary of your birth...day." "Thus the derivation!" "Are you getting all of this?" "(MUMBLES)" "It was a lovely thought though, guys." "Honestly." "But I need to..." "Yes, yes, of course." "Thanks as always, Debbie." "OK." "Can I extinguish the fires and make the dream real?" "(WATERY BREATH)" "Am I still Blob?" "A bit." "Oh, where's the birthday girl?" "ALL:" "No, no, no, no, no." "It's not her birthday!" "(SIGHS) Pass me my robe." "(SNORING)" "(SCREAMS)" "So, we all go 'ta-dah', and then I'll whip off the cloth, all right?" "Someone's been in my en-suite again." "Two words." "Moist...flannel." "Ta-dah!" "Oh, it's too late." "You did it." "Yes, the fillet was right where Her Eminence said." "It was like taking a baby." "Candy from a baby." "Is it?" "(SIGHS) And he's minion of the month?" "Unbelievable." "Just imagine the war you could finance with a few barrels of this." "Ooh!" "Uh, uh, a big one!" "Exactly." "Very good, Jeff." "We'll soon show this Debbie a thing or two about who's chosen and who's not." "The last land will be ours." "I'll get a promotion and you'll get... (GASP) ..threatened less." "By me." "Oh, OK." "Thanks." "Yes?" "Good." "Not quite as twinkly as I'd imagined." "You can have them cut and polished." "There's this guy, Kendal." "He gave me a really good deal on Rita's ring." "BOTH:" "What?" "I said too much." "Very well." "Bring this Kendal to me." "Of course, sir." "They really just let you take all this, hm?" "Yeah, they didn't realise it was valuable." "They even threw in the wheelbarrow." "What are they, idiots?" "(LAUGHTER)" "(HUMMING)" "(SNORING) Not tonight, Flora." "Where's Kelly?" "It's Debbie." "Didn't she go through?" "Nope, no-one in, no-one out." "Well, where could she be?" "Debbie!" "Wait." "Look, there's a note thoughtlessly nailed to that distant relative." "Hm." "READING:" "Have borrowed la..." "lady...woman to ask her a question...thing." "Will bring her back." "Kidnapped." "Who kidnaps someone just to ask them a question?" "Hm." "I mean, what kind of idiot would..." "(GASPS)" "BOTH:" "Ninnies." "(STRUGGLING)" "Let me out!" "The hell is going on?" "Who are you?" "Dave." "Tom." "Ooh, yes, sorry." "Tom." "No, I'm Tom." "Are you sure?" "Um...sorry, what was the question?" "What do you want with me?" "We just want to ask you something." "So, you kidnap me?" "Yeah." "What are you, idiots?" "Well..." "Morning, lads." "Mary, I'm home!" "You won't believe what I saw in the market...ow!" "(GREEDY LAUGH)" "All right." "You actually are idiots." "So..." "Kendal." "Um... ..how's it going?" "A few teething problems, I'm afraid." "You've been a naughty little girl, haven't you?" "Throwing off your grinding wheels and buckling the shuttle plates." "Had to give you a little spank, didn't I?" "I think we're getting somewhere now, so...oh!" "Perfect timing!" "So, you wanna give daddy some sugar?" "Ooh...now that's what I'm talking about." "Well done." "Somebody's getting new shoes." "No, you, silly." "Stop it." "For centuri us Ninny folk have been afflicted by endless stupidity." "Proper wallies." "But once in a generation, once in a gen - genrenation... once in a while, a clever emerges." "And it's his fate to read all the books in the Great Hall of Wisdom." "And then become our leader, the Grand Chief Hoo-Hah!" "Not a wally." "Right." "Hold on." "I'm just not sure what all this has got to do with me." "Right." "Well, this time two clevers have emerged." "And we now not know now who should become the Grand Hoo-Hah." "So, seeing as everyone says you're so wise" " A wally." "Oh, no." "Hang on." "A not-wally." "We thought you could help decide who's the cleverest clever." "Well, I would suggest an election, but the cleverest doesn't always end up in charge (!" ")" "Right." "Yeah, no." "I can help." "I will make up a test." "Where are these two geniuses?" "It's you two, isn't it?" "OK." "What will the test be?" "I'm going to think of some questions." "What questions?" "I don't know yet." "That's what I'm saying." "I'm going to have to think of something Something challenging." "Not like who can point to their nose." "Erm..." "He wins." "Yes!" "Yes!" "No, I, you..." "I won, you lost." "Oh...yes!" "No, hang on." "Thank you so much for everything, Debbie." "And I'm sorry you lost." "No, you lost." "Oh." "Yes!" "No." "So, what happens now?" "Well, he'll be given keys to the Great Hall of Wisdom as long as he's approved by the Sun Gods." "The Sun Gods?" "Yes." "Before the anointed clever can take on the role of Hoo-Hah," "He must recieve the blessing of the Sun Gods." "Aw, that's nice." "And how do they do that?" "Well, you see the sun?" "Yeah." "We're going to fire him into it." "You're what?" "(CHEERING)" "Debbie, thanks for everything - Oh, my God!" "Wait!" "There you are." "Thought it might be this lot." "They're firing someone into the sun!" "Yeah...they do that." "Oh. (GASPS)" "(DISTANT CHEERING)" "Wooh-hooh-hooh!" "Oh, yeah!" "Ah... (BURNING)" "(CLAPPING) So, er... (WHISTLES) tavern?" "WHISPERS:" "Dave." "Dave." "Are they in some sort of trance?" "No, they just can't concentrate on two things at once." "Yeah." "Thick as two short planks, eh?" "Hang on a minute." "But we've got to stop them." "They're killing people!" "I know." "The Elders have spoken to them about it." "And what did they say?" "They said they'd consult the Sun Gods." "(GROAN)" "Another one gone." "Worth a try." "He's not coming back." "No, wait, wait." "Hold on." "Can't you see what's happening here?" "Anyone who shows a glimmer of intelligence is fired into the sun." "That's why you're all idiots." "It's like the opposite of evolution." "Don't you get that?" "NINNIES:" "No." "Look, how many of the clevers that you've sent to meet the Sun Gods have ever come back?" "None." "My wife came back." "Isn't that her brother?" "Oh, God." "What have I done?" "What haven't you done?" "No-one ever comes back." "This whole process doesn't work." "I mean, what are you going to do, keep firing people into the sun?" "(CHEERING) No, that wasn't a suggestion." "Let us come...oh." "Let us come back tommorrow at lunch time where our new clever, Dave, shall meet the Sun God!" "(CHEERING)" "No, wait." "I meant you can't fire people into the sun!" "Will you listen to me?" "Please wait!" "(CHANTING) Well, you tried." "Tavern?" "(WHISTLES)" "Hang on." "I might have an idea." "Pete." "Hello." "Listen." "How long have you got for lunch?" "Hmm...about 45 minutes." "Do you want to go home and make a video?" "Yeah." "Ooh..." "I meant a showreel." "Oh, all right." "Erm..." "Yeah." "Yeah, OK." "I thought you weren't that keen on the whole idea." "Oh, no, no." "I think there's a place for it." "You're sure I won't look like an idiot?" "Oh, Pete." "You're not an idiot." "Believe me." "I'm telling you, this isn't going to work." "Well, Unless you've got a better way to stop these goons from firing each other into the heart of a star," "I say we stick with Debbie's plan." "(GROANS)" "Anyway, you're highly combustible." "If it goes wrong, you'll be vaporised before you know you're dead. (GRUNTS)" "Well, that makes me feel so much better. (SCREECHING TYRES)" "Bye-bye." "Bye." "Mwah." "Where've you been?" "I've just been home to make a video with the wife." "(CHANTING AND MUSIC) Hoo-Hah, Hoo-Hah." "(GRUNTING) (FAINT CHANTING)" "What was the secret word I was supposed to say to warn you if someone was coming?" "(CHANTING) Hoo-Hah, Hoo-Hah, Hoo-Hah," "Hoo-Hah." "(CHEERING)" "Hoo-Hah, Hoo-Hah, Hoo-Hah, Hoo-Hah, Hoo-Hah." "Hoo-Hah, Hoo-Hah " "Can I just take this opportunity to say that I... (SQUEALS)" "I have an idea." "Why don't you be the stick?" "Don't be a baby." "(GASPS)" "You're quite right, Mr Havelock." "The view is breathtaking." "Oh..." "I'm pleased you think so, Miss Fanshaw." "You see, I've been searching for the perfect moment to ask you something." "GASPS)" "Miss Fanshaw..." "Rachel." "Oh!" "Would..." "(DISTANT CANNON FIRE)" "(ROCKSLIDE) (SHARP GASP)" "Oh." "Oh, good. (PAINED YELP)" "Oh!" "(SHOUTS OF PAIN)" "(APPLAUSE)" "(BLOWS)" "Nick... (GASPING FOR BREATH) Ah!" "Go again, please!" "(LAUGHTER)" "(YELL)" "The temple of the Sun Gods." "It's beautiful." ""What's in the box?" "Yup, that's - I am Argos the Sun God."" "The Sun-God!" "(LOINCLOTH RIPS)" ""You have, like so many before you, travelled far to seek our approval."" "Yes." "I was fired from the mighty " ""But all have fallen short until now." "You must go from this place and return to your world with the blessing of the Gods, my son."" "I'm to be the Hoo-Hah?" ""But never again can your people seek our help."" "What?" ""You must dismantle the sun-cannon, for you shall no longer need our counsel."" "But...how will we - "Instead you will throw open the doors of the Great Hall of Wisdom, and all your people will learn from the books therein." "Let wisdom and knowledge be your guiding light." "Go now from this place and do mine bidding." "For the age of enlightenment is upon you."" "Yes." "Yes!" "(BANG) Oow!" ""It just feels a bit big." "I mean, the writing's great, Debs." "I could do one of my Shakespeares for safety?" "To be or not to be -"" "(ELECTROSTATIC CRACKLE)" "Well?" "Fine, thanks." "Yourself?" "(CLEARS THROAT) Oh, the thing." "Yes." "My minions found the Ninny village and as you predicted they just handed over a whole load of... (HOOVER)" "Oh." "I come back." "So, you have the precious stones?" "100 weight, Your Eminence." "Excellent." "Finally, a war chest for our cause." "Soon this realm shall be mine." "I'm having them cut and polished as we speak, Your Eminence." "Behold." "I felt it would be easier to trade gems of such rare beauty." "Initiative." "Perhaps there is hope for you yet." "Oh, stop it, Your Eminence." "How long until all the stones are cut?" "How long?" "Oh." "Until you've done the rest." "Oh." "I" " I did say there'd be some wastage." "How much wastage?" "The rest." "100 weight of precious stones, and this is it?" "What can I say?" "She's a fussy girl." "You incompetent fool!" "You incompetent fool!" "(GASPS) Don't listen to him!" "No, you." "You cretin." "Oh." "Demons." "Feed him in there." "What?" "(DEMONS LAUGH)" "Oh, no, no." "No, no." "Hold on." "Please!" "Please!" "(SCREAMING) Oh, hi, Neil!" "I'm working." "Oh, my final embrace!" "Oh, she squeeze so tightly!" "What a world, what a world, what a world." "(LAUGHTER)" "He was wierd, right?" "Oh, yeah." "So wierd." "(DING)" "Right then." "Let's do this." "Roger that." "Hello?" "I'm trying to get back to..." "Ooh!" "NARRATOR:" "And lo, Ninny David did return from the heart of the sun." "And spake unto his peoples the teachings of The Great God I Am 30." "In accordance with his proclamations, the sun-cannon was unmade." "And the doors to the Great Temple of Wisdom were thrown open." "From Monday to Friday, with a half day on Saturday." "And with knowledge now as their ally, the great ignorance and walliness that had long plagued Ninny-kind was replaced with blessed illumination." "Oh...gently." "With the writings as their guide, the trappings of stupidity were consigned to the throwing things away bucket of history." "turning their non-evolution into the exact opposite." "Un-non-evolution." "And things got generally better." "Mary, I'm home!" "Finally." "You." "Those stones you gave us." "We need some more, pronto." "Right you are." "How would you like to pay for those?" "Huh?" "Don't tell me..." "Debbie!" "This won't go down well." "(HUFFS)" "Oh, yeah." "Darren saw my showreel." "Yeah?" "He said it was absolute..." "ly brilliant." "Really bold, he said." "Original." "Yeah." "Reckons I might get to play Zeus if we do that Greek thing." "Well, that's great." "That's really " "I am Argos the Sun God." "And I demand..." "Yeah." "Maybe not." "No, no." "Pete." "Leave the hat on."