"Hello, Helen..." "I' d almost forgotten you work here" "I know, I know, you'd almost forgotten I work here... but I swear I was up all night toying with ideas for the fashion show and I've really hit on something." "You see..." "What?" "I took four bottles of vodka on Friday, it was my birthday, you know that" "I was having a party and I was running late, so I borrowed some" "I bought some more to replace it" "Not a lot of use to me when I had nothing to offer the executives who dropped by late Friday" "Off the top of my head, you could have told them you'd run out" "It's, it's popular stuff" "Bullshit, bullshit..." "We're in PR." "That's what we do, isn't it?" "But you didn't do that, did you, Paul?" "No" "So I'm out... am I?" "Well, this is just perfect" "Congratulations." "You've wanted me out for ages, now you've done it." "Very well done" "For theft." "Pretty foolproof" "Okay, I'll go..." "I'll go" "I was getting a bit choked up with all the testosterone flying about the place" "Best I get out before I start growing a penis" "Oh!" "Told you..." "lesbian" "I really didn't think it'd be so easy to crack, did you?" "No Oops" "Thank you" "District Line information." "Due to a derailment at Victoria District Line trains are subject to extensive delay" "We suggest you find alternative means of transport" "Are you all right, love?" "Oh, it's a bit of a nasty cut" "Might need a couple of stitches..." "Come on" "Oh-oh..." "Ah, Beatles' lyrics, eh?" "What?" "'Elastic Thrombosis'." "They're guilty of lyric poaching" "They're Beatles' lyrics, aren't they?" "I don't know, sorry" "Of course you do." "Come on, everyone is born knowing all the Beatles' lyrics instinctively" "They're passed into the foetus subconsciously along with all the amniotic stuff" "In fact, they should be called 'The Foetles'" "Not a fan, clearly" "It's funny the way nobody talks on the tubes, isn't it?" "I mean, I rarely catch the tube myself but, er... or lifts" "Confined spaces, everybody shuts down." "Why is that?" "Perhaps we think everyone else in the tube or the lift is a potential psychopath or a drunk so we close down and pretend to... read a book or something" "You've got a terrible tea stain on your book" "Look, I don't think you're a psychopath." "I just want to read my book" "I, I understand." "I apologise" "I'm in a little bit of a good mood today as a matter of fact so I'll just ...sorry" "Have we met before?" "No, no, honestly, honestly, I'm, you... you seem familiar" "I don't think so" "Yes..." "Yes, you were in the lift just now" "You dropped your earring, I picked it up" "Oh yes, you did..." "Thank you" "Pleasure" "Do you work there?" "I did do but I've just been fired." "Okay?" "Oh no, that's... that's horrible, I'm sorry" "It's okay, you didn't do it" "I thank you for your concern and glad you're in a good mood, et cetera" "I thank you for picking up my earring but..." "I just want to read my book" "Well, I get off at this stop." "I'm only telling you in case you get off at this stop, too and you get up before me and then I get up and you think" "I'm following you which I'm not" "I mean, I wouldn't." "I mean you know" "I really didn't mean any offence." "Please forgive me" "I'm really not a nutcase..." "I apologise" "Excuse me." "Um, I'm sorry" "I, I'm sure you're not a nutcase or a psycho or anything, it's just that, um ...I'm not, I'm not that good at, um... you know, um..." "Constructing sentences?" "Anyway..." "I'm James" "Helen" "I never figured out why we didn't make it, Gerry" "You went back to America, remember?" "I couldn't afford the bus fares" "I came back though" "Turn my back for three lousy years and you callously ditch me for another woman" "Mmm, I know, I suppose I'm just naturally impetuous" "I live with someone." "A man." "I live with a man" "Really?" "Mmm!" "I have people consider soul mates who don't confide in me this much" "And what would he say if he knew you were walking up from the tube in broad daylight ...with a complete stranger?" "Mmm, big deal" "Well, it was nice to meet you, Helen..." "Sorry about your job, really" "I suppose being a Gemini can have its down sides" "Hey, remember what the Monty Python boys say?" "What..."Always look on the bright side of life"?" "No..."Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition"" "What?" "I didn't think you liked Elton John" "I, I do, I do sometimes" "You really shouldn't just stop like that." "Set a woman back three days doing a thing like that" "Who is she?" "She's Lydia" "Well, I've had a dreadful day" "I got sacked." "And so did you it would seem" "Cup of tea?" "That'd be nice" "You bastard!" "You bastard!" "You useless shagging bastard!" "I come home and catch you up to your nuts in Lady Shagging Godiva" "I am working all hours to support you while you are supposedly writing your first novel" "How long?" "Huh?" "Do you love her?" "No, don't tell me, I'm not interested" "I'm only asking because I need to know exactly how big a mug I am" "Look, er..." "look..." "Hello?" "Helen?" "Is that you?" "No, it's your bit of stuff." "Wednesday... shag day, remember?" "Have you just got up, you lazy git?" "Er, no." "Er... well I, er I didn't sleep that well last night and then, er... you know when you left I kind of..." "I went into a really, er a really, really deep, deep, er, deep, deep sleep" "And, er..." "I think I might be, er, coming, coming down with, er... anyway, er ...what are you doing home at this time of..." "Oh my God, what happened to you?" "Well, it depends." "Which story do you want first?" "What?" "Well..." "I got mugged." "And..." "What are you doing?" "I can't stand Elton John." "You know that" "Well, anyway..." "listen, tell me what happened?" "What happened to your head?" "Well, I got mugged and sacked only not in that order" "Although it wasn't an actual mugging, it was only an attempted mugging according to the policeman because they didn't..." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa..." "wait a sec, wait a sec." "Come here..." "Come here" "Now sit down." "Just sit here." "Okay?" "Now... now you're in shock, darling, okay." "You've had a bit of a little bit of a shock." "Okay?" "Now just relax" "Um... do you want a brandy?" "It's four in the afternoon" "Of course it is... sorry" "Gerry!" "Are you okay?" "Me?" "I'm fine..." "Um, I'm fine." "I'm just..." "No, anyway, anyway" "Tell, tell, tell me what happened" "And I just couldn't help thinking... if I had just caught that bloody train it would never have happened" "I'd have been home ages ago" "Oh, well, you don't want to go wondering about things like that" "You know, um,'if only this', and 'what if that'." "I mean..." "It's done now" "Come on" "Follow" "Splash" "I'm going to take you out... and get you alarmingly out of your head on Grolsch and then..." "Dry Thank you" "Um, and then follow, follow, follow, follow, follow... and then when you've sung all your favourite Barbra Streisand songs at the top of your voice... and got us slung out of the pub..." "Ah, here we are." "Yeah, put this on" "I'm going to let you have intimate carnal knowledge of a Lamb Passanda ...which I know your diet does not allow, with a double Tarka Dahl which you can then, er puke up all over the, er..." "pristine doorstep of Herr and Frau Goebbels next door and..." "I'll help you" "Oh, I love you, Gerry" "Gerry!" "She's not here!" "Anna, you're Helen's best friend." "I mean, where else would she be?" "Come in and search the place if you want." "She's not here, Gerry" "What is it you've done anyway?" "It can't be that nice if she's walked out on you" "Okay, look, I, I'm sorry." "Look, if she comes here just let me know or, or get her to ring me or, or something" "That's all I ask" "Like you say, Gerry, I'm Helen's best friend" "If she comes here I'll do what she asks" "Well, she's got a point..." "You can't stand Elton John" "Russell, forget about Elton John." "That's not the issue." "What do I do?" "Gerry... you've been telling me for weeks you couldn't hack it juggling between Helen and Lydia and you wish you hadn't got involved with her again" "I know" "And you didn't think you were cut out for infidelity" "I know" "But you couldn't end it with Lydia, 'cause you weren't sure how she'd take it" "And I told you that something if you remember my words, something 'ungoverned by you' would happen to bring the situation to a head" "And... something has" "It's not funny actually, Russell" "No, I'm sorry, old man..." "I beg to differ" "It is funny." "It's very, very, very funny" "And look at you, it's not as though you're rushing frantically about the place trying to find her" "I went to Anna's." "She wasn't there" "Oh, you went to Anna's." "Boy, you're a one man SAS crack unit" "You want my opinion?" "Will I like it?" "Well, of course not..." "It'll be based on reality" "No, no, no." "You don't advertise a new restaurant." "It's very uncool" "It's word of mouth..." "People talk" "And how do these people who talk know where you are so that they can talk about you?" "Hey, listen, it's your restaurant, Clive." "I just want it to work" "Helen" "Hello, James." "Rather annoying chatty bloke on the tube" "Oh yes, hi" "You look all stressed up with nowhere to go" "It's only a job, you'll get another one" "No, it's something else, isn't it?" "You know sometimes it helps to just say whatever it is out loud" "Of course it also helps if people just mind their own business and leave you alone." "I'm sorry" "When I left you at the tube earlier, I went home and found my boyfriend in bed with another woman." "Shit!" "Oh, I'm sorry." "It's..." "I mean, what an idiot" "It's okay, you weren't to know" "No, not me, your boyfriend." "He's an idiot" "Sorry, it's not my place" "It's okay" "Well, look, if it makes you feel any better, you see that bloke over there?" "Not only does he own a personalised matching set of crocodile skin luggage but his favourite TV programme is'Baywatch'" "So you see there's always someone sadder than you" "Do you love him?" "No, I could never love a 'Baywatch' fan" "Hey, you did a joke in the midst of your turbulent emotional state" "That's very positive" "Listen, you decide you want company we're over here..." "Okay?" "I'm really sorry, Helen" "Two of your most disgustingly large Grolsches, please and a large Jack Daniels with ice, and I'll have the same" "You're behind." "Can we have another?" "Fifteen?" "Gerry came looking for you" "Is it what I think?" "Depends" "Is what you think that I walked in on him shagging 'Lydia' in my bed and I walked out?" "Pretty much" "Then, yes" "Oh, hold up... hold up" "This morning was sensational" "Oh, I can't..." "sorry, I can't hear you" "I can't hear you" "Gerry, can you hear me?" "Didn't know it was on" "Ready, steady, go!" "I'll see you, Clive" "Who's that?" "My friend" "Come on, you..." "Let's get you home." "You drunken eejit" "And again" "Come along" "Can I give you a lift anywhere?" "Er... yeah." "That, that'll be great, thank you" "Oh, hands up if you drank too much, eh?" "Hey..." "I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep I am" "Put a wick in her mouth and she'd burn for a fortnight" "Um, 9 Menlove Avenue." "Thanks a lot" "French bean, some chicken, some rice one more little Indian" "No." "Oh, come on." "Really, I'll be sick" "Well, we're on schedule for that but we've gotta move location so just don't swallow for ten minutes" "He didn't fancy me" "He, he offered us a lift." "He was just being concerned" "Uh-huh..." "Well let me tell you, if he was being that concerned about me ...I wouldn't be helping you into bed right now" "Am lin bed?" "Yes..." "You're staying with me for a while" "Don't worry..." "You'll be fine" "Just fine" "There we go." "There we go" "Are you some peculiar, thus far undefined breed of dickhead?" "You have two head problems" "One:" "That was close..." "Very close" "Put in layman's terms..." "she nearly caught you" "And two... and this is far more worrying than the first one" "You're talking to yourself in the mirror again" "Really bad sign" "No, bigger sip... big, bigger sip." "Bigger sip..." "Don't throw up all over me" "There are no PR jobs" "I'm going to need some part-time work, Gerry" "What you need is a change of image" "Er, you know that goes back like and then like I don't know sort of comes like slant" "No, no..." "That's for you, sir" "Hey, gorgeous." "What do you do when you're not serving up 'mad cow' burgers in here, eh?" "Well now then, let me see" "I get up about seven thirty a." "M make and deliver sandwiches in the West End during the day before I come here about six o' clock and finish at midnight" "After that, if I've got any energy left, I give my boyfriend a blow job" "Would you like some mayonnaise with that?" "You don't mean that" "I do..." "Really" "So... you were together two and a half years, and you've been sitting here like suicide on a stick for a week" "Nine days, Anna" "But bollocks to him?" "Yes." "I mean why hasn't he even called to see if I'm okay to admit that he's a twat?" ""Hello, Helen, it's Gerry" "I'm a twat." "Please come home, I love you. " All that shit" "Oh, I don't care anyway Bollocks to him." "I'm over him" "Oh... you're over him" "Yes." "Totally and utterly and completely over him" "No, you're not" "I am" "You're not" "Anna, I'm over him." "What do you mean I'm not?" "How do you know I'm not?" "Well, two things really" "One:" "You're still counting how long you've been apart in days and probably hours and minutes" "But... the big flashing red light way of telling you're not really over someone ...is when you're still reading their horoscope... in the hope that they're going to get wiped out in some freak napalming incident" "Smart arse" "What is he?" "A wanker" "Oh, Aries" "Aries." "Aries" "Well... just shows how much I know" "With Mars your ruler in the ascendancy... you will get wiped out in a freak napalming incident ...and Helen says bollocks to you This guy's very good" "You go." "No, I will." "No, you" "I'm not in, I'm out." "You don't know where or who with" "Specially who with" "Quickly, go on" "I am not answering the door like this" "Anna, please, you have to." "It won't be him anyway" "So there's no big deal, is there?" "Bollocks to him" "Bollocks to him." "Bollocks to him." "Bollocks to him." "Bollocks to him." "Bollocks to him" "Bollocks to him" "Come on." "You don't drink your fatty drinks, you'll never really achieve quality cellulite" "Haircut suits you by the way." "No, it does." "It does, no gag" "Never make a joke about women's hair, clothes or menstrual cycles, page one" "Look, James, maybe I shouldn't be here" "I'm sorry, I'm not being fair" "You know, under normal... circumstances, et cetera... you're really nice... and funny" "My friend Anna thinks you're cute" "Wait, hold, hold" "Your friend Anna thinks I'm cute?" "Your friend Anna thinks I'm cute?" "!" "Shit, I just blew, wait..." "Two eighty-five, two eighty-five on the wrong girl" "Helen, listen... sometimes we are plonked into people's lives when they just need to be cheered up and reassured ...and it turns out that for some reason it's your job" "We don't know why." "In your case it's my job" "But I'll be honest... the fact that I find you... moderately attractive just makes the job easier on my part" "My intentions are completely honourable I have no desire to overstep the mark, seriously" "D'you prefer diamonds or sapphires?" "Sorry, nothing" "'Moderately attractive'?" "Uh-huh, I knew you were listening" "Well, you know, lose the sad eyes, the droopy mouth, I could get you an upgrade" "So... having firml y established the ground rules what are you doing two weeks on Saturday?" "Probably killing myself" "Excellent." "What time does that finish?" "Do you like boats?" "D'you know we haven't done that for two months" "Don't be daft" "Two months..." "Almost to the day" "Almost to the day?" "Listen to you what are we, a survey?" "Gerry how did one of my Waterford crystal brandy glasses get into the laundry basket?" "To the where?" "The laundry basket" "I don't know." "Can I answer questions on 70s pop music?" "Last week, when I got the sack and I came back, am I going mad?" "But there was a bottle of brandy and two glasses on the dressing table, wasn't there?" "I don't know." "I mean, I couldn't really say" "Well, there were, I'm sure" "Oh, hang on, no, wait a minute." "No, I, no, I could say" "There was a bottle and one glass because if you..." "No, I'm certain there were two glasses, Gerry" "Helen, I'm... not sure I like where this conversation is going" "I, I told you, I couldn't sleep so I got up in the night... to get a drink to knock myself out It was still there in the afternoon when you got home" "I mean you had also, that day if, if you remember had taken a blow to the, the, the, the head" "We'd just had a party" "Maybe one of y our mad friends like Anna threw it there" "I mean, Jesus" "Let's, let's spoil the moment properly, shall we?" "What are you trying to say?" "Am I shagging a brandy drinker?" "Yes" "Gerry, ease up, will you, for Christ's sake." "I'm only asking" "Oh, no, women never ask." "No, they don't ask, they insinuate" "And you are insinuating, not very subtly, may I add, that I am..." "Thanks" "No, no, no." "No, no, no, no, thank you, thanks" "I mean..." "I mean thank you..." "thank you" "I mean this, you know, this, this is the... this is the right time, isn't it, to address our, our relationship, isn't it?" "I mean, it's, it's, it's perfect." "Perfect moment" "Gerry, for God's sakes, I asked a simple question" "There's no need to become Woody Allen" "Thanks, James." "I'm sorry if you had a lousy time" "Are you kidding?" "In my book getting to drink two chocolate milkshakes in the one sitting represents social splendour" "It's one of the perks of being shallow" "Take care, Helen." "You'll be fine" "Thank you very much" "It's amazing how you can actually learn to despise inanimate objects like tin openers that don't open tins egg mayonnaise and skipjack tuna" "Are you going out?" "Yeah." "I was just writing you a note" "I'm off to the library." "I have some stuff to read up on" "Okay" "Yeah, well..." "I won't be more than a couple of hours" "Would you rather I didn't go?" "Oh no, no, of course not." "Go" "Okay, bye" "Lydia, what are you talking about?" "She followed me" "I said I was going to the library so I've come to the library, for God's sake!" "Of course I can't come now, I mean what if she's still lurking or waiting round the corner or something?" "Lydia, I don't know why she followed me." "I'm not a sleuth!" "I have taken two hours off work, Gerry..." "Oh, look, look, please." "No, okay, please don't get hysterical" "Don't get hysterical." "Look, I'm sorry." "Okay, I'm sorry" "I've booked a hotel in Dorset." "Are we still going?" "Do you wanna cancel it?" "I mean, is, is she gonna follow us there?" "Do you wanna end this Gerry because I am..." "Yes, I, I, I mean no." "I, I mean, no, I, I don't want" "Of course we're still going." "I don't... don't, don't..." "Don't, don't, don't, don't what?" "I don't know" "Look... we're going to dorset, okay." "We're going to have a great time... and, er ...I'll talk to you tomorrow" "Right, that's the lot." "You don't live there anymore" "Thanks for going again, Anna" "Any evidence of 'her'?" "Nothing that stood out" "Hello?" "Hi, it's James." "Is Helen there?" "Helen" "It's James" "Hello?" "Yes, 'tonight' tonight, you know the tonight that comes immediately after today" "He wants to go out tonight" "Go" "Please come, it'll be a laugh" "Um... okay" "See you" "Okay?" "She doesn't wanna leave here" "I know" "She's really frail, James." "Do you want me to postpone my trip?" "There's another course later in the year" "It's only a couple of weeks." "You should go" "Are you sure?" "It's not that important" "It is important." "I want you to go" "Okay" "It's going to be hard to leave this place, James, but..." "But you've still got the London flat" "You'll be nearer the hospital and you can get much better crack in twon" "Hey, you know what the Monty Python boys say..." ""Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition", I know" "Exactly ...sorry, let me just Lydia's becoming more and more demanding... and you, you feel bad because Helen's working night and day to keep the money coming in" "But you've asked Helen to come on a research trip to Dorset with you... knowing that she wouldn't be able to... to cover up the fact... that you're really taking Lydia And, and despite the fact that..." "Lydia gave you an 'out' on the phone, which you didn't take you are having a moral dilemma" "Gerry... you are a morality free zone" "If I had no morals, would I be discussing it?" "Whose idea was this trip..." "yours or Lydia's?" "You wanna get out of this Lydia thing" "I foresee problems" "And I wouldn't mind betting you're talking to yourself in the mirror again" "Very bad sign" "You've no compassion..." "None" "Why do I bother confiding in you?" "I'm your mate." "I'm here to help you" "I'm here to help you" "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" "Our chief weapon is surprise" "Surprise and fear." "Fear and surprise" "Our two, two chief weapons are surprise and fear" "And a ruthless efficiency." "Our three three main weapons are fear, surprise and a ruthless efficiency" "I'll come in again" "Here we go" "Pass me your plate" "How do you do, Nigel?" "Very nice to meet you" "You all right?" "I am deadly serious" "Oh, just set up my own PR company?" "Yeah, well, why not?" "You've got the experience..." "the know-how, the contacts" "You want to spend the rest of your life working for other people?" "Hey, what's the worst that could possibly happen?" "Um, I could fail miserably and look like a complete tosser" "Exactly, so what is there to worry about?" "I had a really nice time, James" "Did you?" "Oh, shit." "Sorry, that's against the rules, isn't it?" "Yes, it is, so just bear that in mind in the future, would you?" "I'm getting over a major break-up" "Yeah, sorry..." "Won't happen again" "Goodnight, Helen" "Hey... you know everything happens for the best" "You'll never know if you don't try" "Wear something warm on Saturday..." "Can get cold on the river" "Take care" "So, what other ideas has James run by you?" "Anna, don't do that." "Don't do 'desperate mother' acting with me" "He's a friend." "Okay?" "A friend" "not remotely in him No" "So how come last night was the first night since you've been here... you didn't ask if anyone had called the second you walked in the door?" "You're sorry?" "You're sorry that four of the staff here have been cut down... with food poisoning after eating your sandwiches?" "And before you speak, yes they all had the same sandwiches and the same symptoms at the same time" "Are you trained in the catering trade, may I ask?" "No, actually I worked in PR but I..." "Well, you're not doing a particularly good PR job this morning, are you?" "Luckily for you I've convinced my colleagues not to take the matter any further" "This time" "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have five people's work to do" "Sorry?" "Helen has been delivering sandwiches to your office?" "Yes..." "And today I had reason to summon her" "Well I made up a reason, to be brutally honest" "She's quite pretty in a British horsey sort of way, isn't she?" "Lydia... what are you playing at?" "Have you gone raving mad?" "She's not bloody stupid, you know" "I wanted to see what the woman you ditched me for is like" "Now, now, now, now wait a sec." "Now I did not ditch you for..." "I mean, you went back to America for..." "I wanted to see what this girl you seem to have no intention of leaving... despite the occasional pre-orgasmic suggestion that you are has that is so unleavable" "And I have to say that I ended our brief meeting at a bit of a loss" "Now, Lydia, don't talk like this." "Now it sounds ugly" "Now I've told you before, I cannot leave Helen for... for... you know" "For me?" "Is that what you're trying say?" "You can't leave her for me?" "Well, you haven't said you wanted that, have you?" "Gerry, I'm a woman" "We don't say what we want." "But we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don't get it" "That's what makes us so fascinating" "And not a little bit scary" "Hello?" "Ah, Gerald Flannigan, at last" "This is your kindly Uncle Russell here" "Listen wherever you were tonight as if we need to ask, you weren't with me" "Helen called here looking for you" "Okay" "Yeah, all right" "Okay, thanks, mate." "Bye" "Oh, thank God, I was so worried." "Where have you been?" "I went to Anna's." "I needed to see a friendly face" "I've had a horrible day" "I met Cruella de Ville's less nice sister this morning she completely deflated me" "I know" "How do you know?" "Oh, no, I mean I can tell." "Jesus, you look terrible" "Where were you earlier?" "I really needed to talk to you" "Oh, I had some stuff to read up on so I went to the library" "God, you're always at the library" "I'm sich of waiting on tables" "I know when you finish the book we'll be millionaires but when are you going to finish it?" "I'm going to finish it very soon, Helen" "Very soon" "Helen, there's something I want to tell you" "I need to tell you" "Er... it's a little bit to do with the... brandy glass and, er a little bit to do with that woman... you met today" "Only... please let me finish before you say anything" "Okay?" "Helen?" "Bollocks" "Come on, James!" "Come on, come on!" "Come on, come on!" "That's really weird" "I knew there'd be a boat race going by with purple and white shirts" "Sorry?" "Why hasn't he asked you to go with him to Dorset?" "He has..." "I've got to work" "Anyway it'll be good for him to get away." "We need a bit of space" "Anna, can I ask you a daft question?" "Did you drop a glass in the laundry basket at our party?" "Sounds like a ridiculous thing to do." "It was almost certainly me" "Are you okay?" "Just going quietly mad" "Thank God for that." "I was worried" "Faster" "And to my left..." "And to my right..." "And with my left..." "And with my right..." "And with the 'head'..." "Father Abraham 'head' had seven sons, head', '¡head'" "Seven sons had Father Abraham 'head'" "Are you sure it's just writer's block?" "I mean, you seem so distant" "I'm here, Gerry, if you need to talk to me about anything" "Hey, that's Helen in there" "Look, she's got blonde hair" "There's loads of them... having some kind of sponsored epileptic fit" "Lydia" "Maybe it isn't writer's block at all, Gerry" "Maybe it's Helen block" "I don't want to hear about Helen." "I don't care about Helen" "The trouble is..." "you do quite clearly" "I just thought of a great finish for your book!" "The End!" "Yes, you are, Clive" "He's opening his first restaurant in six days and he's completely disorganised" "Well, you know at my old company we had 'wars ' getting Pierre Claude's restaurant open" "You did Pierre Claude?" "Mmm Er, he's my hero." "You did his launch?" "Well I heard that was a really classy do." "People went on about it" "I mean, six days is could I come down and take a look?" "I can't promise anything stupendous" "Sure, yeah." "Yeah, no problem..." "You're kidding?" "Yeah, come down" "Pierre Claude?" "Oh, wow!" "You're very thoughtful, James." "You give out an incredible amount" "Oh, you're the same." "You encouraged me today" "I saw you jumping up and down like a mad thing" "Spurred me on" "I love this bridge." "My great grandfather helped to build it" "I often come and... stand on it when I want to, um..." "Build a bridge?" "I'm sorry" "Oh God, James, don't" "Oh..." "I'm sorry." "I, I I know this is an ideal sort of kissing moment you know, night, moon, boat, water lapping you know, it's, um... i t's perfect and I'm I'm not feeling that it would be nice but I don't really know anything about you and I'm I'm still on the rebound" "Oh God, I hate that word but I am" "Ah, who isn't?" "Everyone is" "I'm on the rebound myself..." "in a way..." "So, who are you on the rebound from?" "A girl called Pamela" "My whole life pivots around." "Pam and I breaking up" "When was that?" "1973, we were eight" "I bloody loved that woman" "No warning, just up gone..." "left me for somebody else" "Who?" "Gary Glitter!" "The cow" "Gary Glitter, for crying out loud!" "I mean all my friends were being left for Donny Osmond or David Cassidy or..." "I could have come to terms with that, given time" "But Gary." "Oh she wanted to 'touch him there, yeah'" "You know?" "Well, I went to pieces as you can imagine" "And there was no 'junior Prozac' to see me through so..." "So I, er, I, um..." "I kissed you" "Yeah, yeah, I spotted that too" "You weren't gonna do that" "Um, hmm... would you mind, um..." "just putting that down to a momentary lapse of, um, concentration?" "Is that what it was?" "No" "Y-yes, I don't..." "Oh, help" "I, I don't want to be a confusion in your life, Helen." "I don't truly" "But something's happened to me since I've met you and that I wasn't expecting and..." "and I don't really well, well wasn't expecting" "Repetition of expecting." "Must buy a thesaurus" "Anyway, I..." "You did remember to take a full page ad in 'Adulterer's Weekly'?" "Jesus!" "Lydia, get in the car, will you?" "How many years have you been going to paint that stain off?" "He didn't even pay the bill?" "Of course not." "What do you think?" "Um I'm, I'm just..." "Would you excuse me, please?" "I've just remembered I, I'm..." "What do you mean you want to see me?" "Jesus Christ, Gerry, what..." "How did you get in?" "One of the waiters is, is a, a friend of Russell's" "He got me a ticket." "It's a great do, Helen" "I, I hear your company's really taken off..." "Gerry, you can't just turn up like this" "This is a really important nights for me" "Yes, I can, Helen" "I can 'just turn up'." "It, it's the most important 'just turn up' I've ever done" "Oh God." "We, we can't talk in here" "We've been through too much just to drop this." "Haven't we?" "Surely" "Helen please, look at me" "I'm sorry" "Really sorry" "You're too good not to fight for." "The last..." "Oh God, Gerry, don't talk about fight." "I..." "Good looking bloke" "Are you seeing him?" "Er..." "I, I'm sorry, it's not my place to ask" "Is that him?" "Guess so" "Does she know about Claudia?" "No" "I really like her, Clive" "I'm confused." "I feel a bit lost suddenly" "Gerry, I really have to go back inside" "Will you come and see me, Helen?" "Please, Helen, there's so much more I want to say." "I miss you" "Will you come and see me?" "Please, Helen" "I'll go." "Thanks for listening." "I I'm really proud of you" "Are you okay?" "Yes." "Just a bit dizzy" "Too much champagne" "Oh, sorry" "Bye now" "Hey..." "It's official..." "I love you" "Thank you." "You're..." "you're a genius." "I'm ecstatic" "Have you, er, have you seen James?" "Yeah." "Yeah, he had to go..." "early start." "He apologised" "Business trip..." "Newcastle or something." "I didn't want to pry" "His secretary wasn't very forthcoming" "D'you believe he's away?" "Don't know" "Or do you think he's just avoiding you?" "I don't know" "Did you leave a message?" "No" "D'you think maybe you should have?" "Did he actually see Gerry kiss you?" "I don't know" "D'you think he might be hoping you've called and not known that you have?" "I mean... did you not check if he has a mobile?" "Anna!" "Ease up, will you?" "Bloody hell!" "They have less questions than this on 'Jeopardy'" "I was nervous." "I wanted to get off the phone." "I felt awkward" "Well, it's such a piddly little thing." "It's hardly worth him getting up tight about" "Oh, Gerry called by the way" "Terrific." "That's just..." "Two months ago I want Gerry to come round, James comes round" "Now I want James to call, Gerry calls" "It was the weirdest dream." "You were there" "And you had a funny mask over your face and you had something that you needed to tell me but you couldn't say it" "Well that does it, I'm afraid." "I'm, er, taking away your class one drugs for a week" "Anyway... um... there's something else I wanted to tell you" "I fainted at work the other night" "Oh, sweetheart." "Are you okay?" "Yes, but I don't normally faint so I, um..." "What was that?" "I don't know." "The people next door are plainly engaged in some bizarre sexual ritual" "I may pop in later and introduce myself" "What were you saying?" "Anyway I don't normally faint so I was a little curious..." "Oh shit I stubbed my foot on the side of the shagging bath" "God, sounds horrific" "I know" "Ssshhh!" "Anyway..." "Listen, there, there's the landlady." "She keeps coming up with these, er... corned beef sandwiches" "Look I, I'll phone you back when, er, world war twelve has stopped for tea." "Okay" "Okay, bye" "So I did a test and it turns out that I'm pregnant" "I just though you might like to know" "Have you gone completely insane?" "What are you trying to do?" "What do you mean 'what am I trying to do'?" "I think I've broke my toe" "Lydia, I'm on the pissing phone to Helen, for goodness sake" "In case you've forgotten, she doesn't know you're here" "She thinks I'm on a research trip... along." "Remember?" "I remeber" "Don't worry, I remeber." "It's pretty hard to forget" "So what are you trying to do?" "Huh?" "!" "Coming in here... screeching the place down when I'm on the phone" "Don't you know, Gerry?" "Don't you know what I am trying to do?" "!" "I am trying to be your girlfriend, Gerry" "I am trying to win you back!" "It's fairly simple." "I am standing on the platform at Limbo Central with my heart and soul packed in my suitcase waiting for the Gerry fucking Express to roll in and tell me that my ticket is still valid, that I may reboard the train" "Only the station announcer keeps coming on and telling me that my train has been delayed ...as the driver has suffered a major panic attack in Indecision City!" ""We suggest you take the bus!"" "That's what I am trying to do, you cripple!" "Except it's quite clear that that is never going to happen" "Is it?" "No reply" "Perfect" "So I..." "I'm not waiting any more, Gerry" "I am cashing my ticket in." "I am taking that bus" "Oh God..." "I tell all my friends "never go back"" "Look at me, I must be crazy" "Don't phone me for a while" "Ow!" "Oh!" "No... don't phone me at all!" "Ever!" "It's over!" "Again!" "I've done it, Russell." "I've bloody done it!" "excellent." "Congratulations." "Done what?" "I've finished it" "Oh, the book..." "Oh well, great, mate, that's great" "Not the book, not the book, Russell" "I'm a novelist, I'm never gonna finish the book..." "The affair!" "The affair!" "The sordid affair with Lydia" "I've blown her out... in Dorset" "I was decisive but fair" "I've just got back" "Oh God, I feel like I've got out of jail" "No more deceit, no more I ying to Helen." "It was such a mistake" ""Never go back", Russell." "But it's over" "God, I can't tell you it's such a good feeling" "Well, I'm, I'm very pleased." "How does she feel about it, Lydia?" "Well, you know, she's not jumping through hoops obviously, I mean but, but it's the best thing by far." "By far and away the best thing" "I mean she, she knows that." "I mean, she will do when she... well, she was upsel I mean bit farught, you know... obviously" "Oh God, oh God, oh God, I feel good" "I've got to go home." "I wanna be home before Helen comes back from work" "Er, no" "Because you never buy me flowers when you're meant to let alone when you're not meant to" "So, yes, I'm a little suspicious" "I want to know what else you've been doing that you're not meant to" "Wait, hang on" "Let me get this straight 'cause this is just about brilliant" "I buy you flowers on a whim in a... in a, in a fit of, of, of, um, of romance but..." "See... you couldn't even think of the word" "But instead of being, of being grateful, instead of being 'romanced' you're instantly convinced that I'm ensconced in some decrepit tacky, underhand clandestine affair!" "In a nutshell" "Gerry?" "Are you back?" "I missed you so I came home early to see you" "God" "What are they?" "Well they're flowers" "For you." "Um d'you not like them?" "That image of her sitting on top of you, oh God, I I, I really don't know why I agreed to come" "Please stop, Gerry, don't, I, I don't want you to touch me" "I'm, I'm sorry." "Um, um, don't go" "Please try and..." "put her out of your mind" "She's, she's out of mine" "It's finished... over" "I made a mistake." "Such a big..." "big mistake and I'm sorry" "I'm truly, truly sorry" "I mean this new bloke, this James Hammerton that you're seeing does he not make mistakes?" "How do y ouknow his name?" "A mate of Russell's works at the restaurant" "They're... mutual friends." "I..." "I mean, it's not especially important" "Well I don't want to talk about James Hammerton or anyone else." "I have to go" "Oh, by the, by the way I've, er I've stopped writing the book" "Helen... the truth is I can't write without you" "I can't do anything without you" "I want you to come back to me, Helen" "We were so good together" "Remeber, remember how good we are together?" "Sorry..." "Just wait" "Yeah?" "I'm late, Gerry..." "Four days." "I'm never late" "Oh, Russell." "Er, look, hi" "Er, look, mate." "Look, er, can I ring you back in a few minutes, yeah?" "Yeah..." "Yeah, okay." "Okay." "Thanks, mate, cheers." "Bye" "It's, er..." "Russell" "I'm, I'm dying for the loo" "Telephone number 01714443184" "To return the call press three" "Why are you pretending I'm Russell?" "You know I hate that" "What's going on?" "Gerry, answer me." "Who's there?" "It's Helen actually." "We met once" "I interrupted you faking your orgasm" "Sorry I can't be more specific" "You know what I was thinking?" "You're not going, are you?" "You wanker." "You sad, sad wonker" "God, I feel like such a mug!" "The useless, no good shagging, horrible, despicable, I ying two-faced pissing, shagging..." "You said shagging" "You know the worst bit?" "All I could think about was James" "I felt like I was being unfaithful to James just by being there" "That sounds like the best bit." "And you were" "He didn't call, did he?" "That's nearly a week" "I think I've blown it." "I've blown it, haven't I?" "I blame British Telecom." "All this new technology" "This number if you want to know who called another one if you don't want them to know you called itemised bills, take away the first number you thought of" "I mean they are single-handedly condemning the average red-blooded Englishman to a life of terminal monogamy" "What are they after?" "The Nobel Peace Prize?" "And Lydia might be pregnant" "Oh no more, please..." "I can't take it" "Oh this is terrific stuff" "I must say, being with you makes the wait for the next episode of" "'Seinfeld' much easier to bear" "I didn't reckon on things turning out this way" "Everything's a cock up." "What's going on?" "Well... to use boxing parlance, if I may... it's quite simple" "You've just lost" "Are you sure?" "You've been a bit I don't know, a bit distant since I've got back" "I know" "Well, okay..." "there are a couple of things." "Which one do you want to hear first?" "I don't mind" "Well the 'small'thing is that I've got an interview for a job" "A PR job, a proper one" "International company opening up in London" "Chairwoman herself called, said she had heard a lot about me and... she's invited me to her apartment tomorrow evening for a serious chat" "Jesus Christ!" "What?" "Jesus Christ, I mean that's... that's not a small thing, that's... that's huge" "I mean it's..." "I mean it's... it's brilliant." "I mean that's the best" "Is the blind buggered again?" "No." "Er... no" "Well, I..." "Are you all right?" "Yeah, no, I'm fine, darling." "My sweetheart, that's great, it's tremendous" "I'm thrilled." "I'm so thrill..." "Hello?" "I really need to talk to you" "Hi, Russ." "How are you?" "Come by my apartment tomorrow night at eight." "It's important" "Ah, really, mate." "No, what a drag" "Oh no, yeah." "Okay, yeah, sure." "Sure, sure, yeah" "Yeah, yeah, I'll help you" "Yeah, yeah, cheers, mate." "Cheers." "Bye" "It's Russell's family is descending unannounced" "Yeah, he wants me to, er, go round tomorrow evening and, er... help him clear out, er, his spare room" "Er, right." "Okay." "So..." "Sorry, what was the other thing you wanted to tell me?" "Doesn't matter." "It's not important" "Hammerton Enterprises" "Rachael, I'm going out to the shops" "Can I get you anything?" "No thanks" "Are you okay?" "Yes" "Yes." "Yes, I'm fine" "I just... you know, I go to the shops, just I'll be, um..." "Sorry" "Hello!" "Hi." "Hi Hi" "How... how are you?" "I'm..." "I'm great" "Er, how are you?" "Sorry, you're great" "Business lunch?" "Yeah, just a chat, you know" "Well my office is just round the corner" "I know." "Um..." "I, I, I thought you were away on business" "Yeah, I was." "I just, I, um, got back last night as a matter of, er" "Helen, look, please don't think that I, that I..." "Ah... it's okay, I..." "I haven't thought" "I mean I, I, I didn't think that or not" "No, I mean... don't think that I have not called you" "I haven't 'not' called you" "I mean, I don't..." "I don't mean I haven't 'not' called you because that's a double negative so as to say that I 'have' called you" "When did you call?" "Er, well I, I didn't" "But I..." "I didn't 'not' call you in the way that you might think I didn't call you" "Oh dear" "I wanted to call you" "I even did that dial all but the last number thing and then not, er..." "It's... ridiculous behaviour" "Totally" "You see, I..." "I thought you still had to deal with, with your other, er..." "Gerry?" "!" "Well I don't know, is that... yeah, if..." "And I thought it was best if I allowed youto..." "Gerry is why you haven't called me?" "Well, after Clive's party I didn't want to just presume that you'd, that we had" "You think I just go to bed with all successful oarsmen that I come across?" "Sorry, nervous humour" "Well I hoped not" "Sorry, excuse me" "Hello?" "Oh, I see." "I'll, um I'll come straight away." "Okay, thanks" "My... mum had to go into hospital" "She's had some tests done." "The results are through." "I should, er, go" "Do you want me to come with you?" "Yeah, that's really nice of you" "Er... well maybe, um..." "I don't... she's quite frail and I, and I don't know how she's gonna..." "It's okay but, um... thanks" "I'm, er, well some friends are having dinner at Clive's tonight if you're, if you're not doing anything, you want to come along" "Well some other time" "I'd love to if that's okay" "Yeah, yeah." "Of course, crikey, it's, it's, it's very, very okay, yeah" "But well, at the risk of sounding old-fashioned, I'll pick you up at eight" "Is that a 'will' pick me up, or a 'haven't, not, didn't, might'?" "Listen... don't worry about your mum." "She'll be okay" "Remember Monty Python" "Well I'll see you later" "Bye" "How are you?" "Yeah, just... you know..." "Is Gerry excited about being a daddy?" "I haven't told him yet" "Never seems to be the right moment somehow" "Come on..." "let's celebrate with a proper drink" "Bloody marvellous idea" "I really shouldn't in my condition but I'm really going to" "What have you got?" "Um... brandy" "Oh, no, yuk." "Makes me vomit" "Half day?" "James?" "!" "Since last night?" "Sorry" "You can't tell from one" "They can be inaccurate" "I bought three packets" "Two in a packet, that's six" "You can tell from six" "What are you gonna do?" "Is James Hammerton in?" "I'm afraid not" "Um, do you know when he's due back?" "I'm not sure." "He's gone to visit his mother in hospital with his wife" "Would you like to leave a message?" "What?" "Can I take a name and number?" "Get him to call you" "Um... no, thank you" "There's something I want you to know" "Anna doesn't drink Brandy, Gerry, it makes her vomit" "and those glasses were not used at the party" "They only come out for special dinners, you know that" "Am I meant to immediately get the reference here?" "Are you having an affair?" "Just tell me yes or no" "No, I'm not" "Helen, look into my eyes" "I am not having an affair" "I'm not" "Well, I shouldn't have brought this up now, I've got to go to my interview" "We'll talk later" "Are you going to be here when I get back?" "Yes." "Of course" "Helen..." "listen" "Good luck, okay" "Hello" "Hi, Anna, is Helen there?" "You've got a damned nerve phoning here" "What?" "Anna, please, just open the door." "I don't know what's going on" "You dono't know what's going on?" "I'll tell you then." "She saw you, James, at the hospital." "With your wife" "You know, the one with the wedding ring" "What is it with you bloody men?" "We're not just here..." "Anna, let me see her." "I can..." "She's not here" "Where is she?" "What's it to you?" "I don't know" "Oh shit, shit." "Bollocks" "Oh God." "You idiot!" "Clive, you seen Helen?" "No." "Why?" "Helen!" "Helen!" "Helen..." "Helen, you've made a mistake" "Oh, I am such an idiot." "Helen, look at me" "Listen to me, please" "No, you listen!" "I never want to see you again" "I have been throught enough for one year" "I stupidly believed that here was a man who was different from 'men '" "But it is clear that I made a mistake" "Now please..." "do me a favour and go away!" "I am married, Helen, but I am separated" "Walk away if you want but take this with you" "The woman you saw today was the woman I married three years ago" "We separated six months ago and soon we'll be divorced" "Nothing aggressive" "I didn't tell you before because I don't know why, I..." "I have wanted to tell you so many times and ...and now you've found out another way I wish I had told y ou" "My mother is ill in hospital as you know and Claudia agreed to keep up the pretence that we were okay still for my mum" "As a favour." "She's a very decent woman" "Do you have a mum, Helen?" "Ten minutes, Lydia" "And don't ever turn up at my kitchen window again like that" "It's over." "You know?" "You said it yourself" "I know." "Sorry, I wasn't thinking" "I just want to show you something" "Oh, Helen... if we are not gonna be together then let's make sure it's for the right reason" "And right now there is no reason, none there is just confusion and it can be erased in a split second" "Get that, would you?" "Of course, if you don't want to keep it, darling..." "Who is it?" "Oh, hello again." "You're right on time" "Is this the truth, James?" "Permission to engage the enemy, sir?" "Thing is, I can't take the interview just now" "I'm discussing whether or not I'm going to keep your boyfriend's baby" "James there's something I have to tell you" "I'm so sorry you had to hear it this way, Helen" "Er, I really should just phone Anna and tell her I'm okay" "Helen" "I love you" "Helen, wait, please." "Wait!" "Let me go!" "Helen!" "Helen!" "James... are you her husband?" "Er..." "I will be." "We're, we're getting married" "If I could have a quick word?" "Helen has suffered major internal injuries, James" "Helen has lost her baby, I'm afraid, Gerry" "I'm afraid she's lost her baby" "You did know she was pregnant?" "Did you know she was pregnant?" "She will be okay though, won't she?" "She is, she is going to wake up, isn't she, Doctor?" "Helen, for some reason I know you can hear me" "I'm glad we got things sorted out... tonight" "I'm glad you caught the train that day" "I am going to make you so happy" "I promise" "Helen?" "Helen!" "Helen!" "Can you hear me?" "Can you hear me, Helen?" "I'm sorry I'm late Ah, no problem" "I'm pleased to say your mother's showing some signs of improvement this morning" "She's sitting up and she's had a full breakfast" "That's great" "Helen, I swear..." "I'll do anything you want, Helen" "Will you?" "In that case, I want you to stand up walk over to the door open it... walk through it then close it behind you" "Ta-ta, mum" "Call us if you have any problems at all" "Thank you" "You're very fortunate, Helen." "You had a lucky escape" "Say that again" "Thank you" "Thank you" "Cheer up." "You know what the Monty Python boys say" ""Nobody expects the spanish Inquisition""