"Thanksgiving." "What do the Hecks and the Pilgrims have in common?" "No indoor plumbing." "How many times do I have to tell you?" "Coffeepot is stream." "Ice tray is mist." "Mm." "Okay, listen, Mike." "I was thinking." "You know how we always say only losers and sad, pathetic people go out to dinner for Thanksgiving?" "So are you saying we're going out this year?" "No." "Well, yes, but not 'cause we're losers." "'Cause we have a floor sink and a tiny table." "Don't exactly sound like winners." "Okay, just... just follow me here." "I saw an ad in the paper that king Henry's feast is doing a Thanksgiving buffet, and it's only $7.99 a person." "They're doing all the Thanksgiving staples, plus their full complement of international cuisine." "And as an added bonus, we don't have to do the dishes in the bathtub." "You don't have to convince me to leave this house." "Long as I get some turkey, I'm fine." "Wait a minute." "What's going on?" "Are we not having Thanksgiving at home this year?" "Sue, take a look around this place." "But we have to stay home." "Thanksgiving's not Thanksgiving without frugal hoosier canned corn, safeway boxed stuffing, and CVS pumpkin pie." "Brick, did you hear this?" "Mom and dad say we're having Thanksgiving at a restaurant." "Well, I'm actually okay with that." "Of course, I'll have to run it by Cindy first." "Why?" "Well, it's a major holiday." "We can't just spend time with my family." "You know what?" "Let's not make a big deal about this." "I already got Cindy breathing down my neck." "I don't need you guys." "Axl!" "Did you hear this?" "Mom and dad say we're having Thanksgiving at a restaurant." "Oh." "So mom's not cooking?" "At last... something to be truly thankful for." "Oh, and listen, Axl..." "I invited Devin Levin to come down and have dinner with us, so I'm gonna need you to drive her home from school." "No!" "No way." "I'm not driving Devin Levin here from college." "I told you a million times!" "I'm not telling you again!" "I know this seems like an extreme reaction, even for Axl, but this Devin Levin battle had been raging for two years." "Mm." "Axl." "My hair person's cousin's niece's daughter is from Idaho, and she just started at east Indiana, so since she really doesn't know anybody yet," "I thought it'd be nice if you called her just to say hi." "Well, think again, 'cause there's no way I'm calling some uggo from Idaho." "Did you ever call Devin Levin?" "I asked you six months ago." "Mom, I don't have time." "I'm studying." "Axl, this is getting embarrassing." "You have to call her before my roots grow out." "I'm sorry, but I'm not leaving that girl stranded for Thanksgiving." "That's not how we roll." "I'm asking you to do this, and you do for family." "But you don't do for hairdresser's family." "Look, it's hard to find a good hair person who works out of her garage, but I did it, and you're doing this." "Wait... so it's not gonna be just our family?" "It's not just our family anyway." "Brick's bringing Cindy and Darrin's coming." "Ugh." "Wait." "Sue's bringing a date and Brick's bringing a date?" "That means Devin Levin's gonna think it's a date." "Relax." "I didn't tell her it was a date." "Mom look at me." "If I pick a girl up, she's gonna think it's a date." "All right, I smoothed things over with Cindy." "She's gonna spend Thanksgiving with us, but I'm gonna have to do Christmas with her folks." "I think for new year's, we're just gonna go skiing with her Uncle." "So, Thanksgiving day arrived, and Axl finally agreed to pick up Devin Levin." "He might not always show it, but deep down, he's a perfect gentleman." "I was right here." "So-rry!" "How would I know it's you?" "We don't even know each other." "I'm just giving you a ride." "I have a girlfriend." "O..." "Kay." "Aren't those your pregnancy pants?" "They used to be my pregnancy pants." "Now they're my holiday pants." "Ah." "Well, mom, do you mind if I ask you kind of a serious question?" "Uh..." "Sure." "Does dad not like Darrin?" "What?" "!" "Pfft!" "Of course dad likes Darrin." "Why would you say that?" "W-well, the other day, you were talking about who was coming to Thanksgiving dinner, and after you said Darrin was coming, dad said, "ugh."" "No." "He didn't say, "ugh."" "He said... "Ah."" "You know, like, "ah, that's nice."" "No." "It was definitely an "ugh." I remember it very vividly." "You said, "Darrin is coming," and dad said, "ugh."" "Look, Sue, don't take it personally." "Your dad likes us, and that's about it." "And some days, not even us." "So, are we going right to the restaurant, or are we stopping at your house first?" "!" "What?" "I was just wondering... are we going straight to the King's Feast, or are we stopping at your house first?" "Uh, no, we will not be stopping at my house first." "Nice try." "Well, out of respect for the King," "I better get out of my hoop clothes." "Okay." "Can't forget my seat belt." "Safety first." "Could've sworn I had a bag of funyuns in here." "I always travel with funyuns." "They're like fun onions." "They're funyuns!" "Ooh!" "Bingo!" "You do realize we're eating dinner in like less than an hour, right?" "Okay, dad." "You know, I got to say, it was really cool of your mom to invite me to Thanksgiving." "I mean, I would've been totally fine just hanging out in my dorm." "We could still make that happen." "Yeah, you know," "I can pretty much cook anything on a hot plate." "The other night, I made brownies and lasagna." "You can't make brownies on a hot plate." "Sure you can." "You can make anything on a hot plate." "All you need is heat and the will to do it." "Hmm." "You ready?" "Yep." "Just waiting for Brick's girlfriend." "No matter how many times I say that, it still sounds weird." "Uh, you know, you guys don't have to drive." "We can all ride in Darrin's pickup." "It's 34 degrees out." "There's a tarp to keep us warm." "We can all fit in dad's car, Sue." "Okay, fine, but it's guys in the front and girls in the back so that dad and Darrin can talk." "About what?" "Hi, Cindy." "I like your dress." "It has turkeys on it." "What kind of parents just dump their 12-year-old on Thanksgiving and take off?" "You're just mad you didn't think of it first." "Mm." "Pretty long line." "You know where there are no lines?" "Home." "It's fine." "Look, that table's getting ready to leave." "I can feel it." "Hey, let's all give them the stink eye, get them to move along." "Oh, crap." "They're heading for the appetizers." "They're starting the whole process over again." "We're never gonna eat." "We have a table for five." "Anyone with a party of five?" "Oh!" "One, two, three, four, five." "Six." "Hey, Darrin, um, can I see you by the king's gumballs, please?" "What's up?" "Okay, so, I was just thinking, since it's Thanksgiving and, you know, your first major holiday with my family, maybe you could just..." "Kick it up a notch." "Kick what up a notch?" "Uh..." "Nothing specific, but if you could just be a little bit better." "But not so much better that it looks like you're trying too hard, but better than you are right now." "Not that you're not great." "I'm not exactly sure what you're asking me, but okay." "Mm-hmm." "Shoot." "Now I feel like you're gonna do too much." "So don't even worry about it." "Just forget everything I said and be yourself, like you normally are." "But a little bit better." "Okay." "I really like that stuffed pink flounder." "Flounders are my favorite animal." "Then the flounder, you shall have." "Hmm." "I'll give it one more shot." "Okay, well, I'll sit next to mom, and Brick can sit next to Cindy, and then..." "Darrin, why don't you sit next to my dad?" "We're here!" "Next stop... food coma." "Lates." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Where are you going?" "We haven't even said hi to Devin Levin." "I got to say, it's so nice to finally meet you." "Sorry it took so long." "Oh, no." "It's all good." "Thanks for having me." "Sure!" "So, let's see." "You're my hair person's cousin's niece's daughter." "So that means your mother's aunt is cousin to my hairdresser." "Wait... but if it's an aunt, would she be a cousin?" "You know what?" "Let me work backwards." "Okay, so..." "I'm hungry." "It won't be much longer." "I think I'm really starting to pick up on the intricacies of the machine." "You're not good at this." "I'm getting food." "Okay, so, if my niece is Lucy and Lucy's mother is Janet... wait." "Hold on." "So, Axl, you a big Colts fan?" "Nope." "Not at all." "Not in any way." "Well, it might be a good year to jump on the bandwagon." "If luck stays healthy, they can win the whole thing." "If the offensive line does their job, luck will stay healthy." "Yeah, but Pagano's got to do his job, too." "If he gets too pass-happy, they'll get blitzed every time." "You can't put that on the o-line." "Well, if the Colts do win the super bowl this year, it won't be because of luck." "But, then again, it will be 'cause the quarterback's name is luck." "Get it?" "I get it, Darrin." "That's funny, huh?" "Yeah." "So, Devin, you think the defense will hold up?" "Okay, that's enough sports talk." "Let's change the subject, hmm?" "Does anyone have a funny air-conditioning-school story?" "Oh, wait..." "I do." "This guy, Dan, at work was on a service call, and he got his arm stuck in a fan belt." "And then what happened, Darrin?" "Uh, I think that was the whole story." "Oh, no." "That can't be the whole story." "There must be more." "Oh, yeah." "There is." "He mangled his hand pretty bad and lost his pinkie finger and half his pointer." "Oh, Darrin, stop." "No, seriously... stop." "I can't believe you." "I know, right?" "I'm gonna crush my mac-and-cheese record." "You're goin' down, you hear me?" "In my face!" "I'm talking about the way you're treating Devin Levin." "Oh, my God." "I did everything you asked." "Responsibility over." "What more do you want from me?" "I want you to talk to her." "She doesn't seem that hard to talk to." "What is it with old people thinking all young people should talk to each other?" "Why don't you go talk to the guy on the Rascal?" "I did." "His name is Wayne." "He's from Lafayette." "He has a touch of the gout, but today is his cheat day, and tomorrow, he's going right back on his diet." "All right, come on, Axl." "Just be nice." "Make an effort." "I mean, you're my social one." "Besides, how hard can it be?" "She likes football." "And not to mention, she's adorable." "Ohhh." "Okay." "I see what's happening here." "Let me just say this." "I will never, ever, ever be with someone you set me up with." " Axl..." " Ever!" "Ahhhh." "Can you give me 20 bucks?" "No." "How about a 5-spot?" "How about a no-spot?" "But I'm trying to win Cindy a flounder." "You're the one that told me to be chivalrous." "Well, I'm not giving you any money, Brick." "When we leave, you can lay your coat over a puddle." "Mm." "Fair enough." "I'll use my birthday money." "How's your cheese?" "I've had better." "Oh, excuse me, uh, Barry." "Can you let them know we need more turkey?" "Sorry." "We're all out of turkey." "Tough break." "Aw." "You know, if you put the sugar packet a little further back on the spoon, you'll get a better angle." "Don't tell me how to play sugar-packet spoon." "I've been playing this game since I realized" "I didn't want to talk to my parents at restaurants." "I'm just saying, if you put it a little further back on the handle, get the sugar evenly distributed, you can pop it in, just like..." "That." "Hmm." "Are you done eating already?" "You haven't even gotten your $7 worth." "Well, I didn't want to be done eating, but they ran out of turkey." "You know, in my day, I'd have made sure that my girlfriend's dad got his turkey before I got mine." "Oh." "I'm sorry, Mr. Heck." "Here." "Take mine." " No, thanks." " No, seriously." "I'm not even hungry." "I'm just eating 'cause I'm bored." "Just take it, dad." "He wants you to have it." "I said I don't want it." "Is it because it has ranch dressing on it?" "'Cause I can wipe it off." "Uggh." "Darrin..." "Here." "Just like new." "Forget it, Darrin." "Why'd I take the last piece of turkey?" "I'm such an idiot." "I know this is gonna sound crazy, but when I'm with your dad," "I get this weird vibe he doesn't like me." "What?" "!" "That's nuts!" "You're, like, my dad's favorite and so on and so forth and what have you." "I don't know." "I feel like I'm lagging behind Cindy and Devin Levin." "No, no, no." "He loves you." "Everything's fine." "The important thing is to not beat yourself up about it and act weird." "Just act normal." "W-well, but a little bit better." "Well, better than you were at being better before, but not so much better that it's weird." "The important thing is to not overthink it." "Boom!" "It's on!" "All right, first one to 21 wins." "Loser drinks Darrin's turkey water." "So, did your parents say what time they were gonna pick you up?" "It depends what time they get back from Kentucky." "Thanks, Delores." "Keep 'em coming." "All right, here we go." "Papa needs a good grab." "Yeah!" "There you go!" "Choke it down, my friend." "And make sure you finish all those turkey chunks." "Those babies are filled with protein." "Come on." "There you go." "Oh." "Whoo!" "There's a reason they didn't have taquitos at the first Thanksgiving." "If I can just rally a burp here," "I might be able to squeeze in a piece of zebra cake." "I think I fixed everything, Sue." "What did you do?" "I ate the turkey and your dad didn't get any." "Remember?" "I meant, what did you do to fix it?" "Oh." "I told them it was your dad's birthday, even though it's not, and they're gonna bring over a cake and sing to him." "Wait." "What?" "We do it in our family all the time." "It's hilarious." "No one can stay mad when strangers are singing to them." "Mom, I have to talk to you." "Darrin did something bad." "Don't worry." "Dad will get over the turkey thing." "He told the waiters to sing "Happy Birthday" to dad." "What?" "Has he lost his mind?" "!" "I don't know." "Listen to me right now." "You need to tell me who you talked to and exactly what you said." "Uh, I don't know." "He was a waiter." "What did he look like?" "He had an apron and a pen." "They all have aprons and pens!" "I need details." "Mole on his face, crooked nose... anything." "I don't remember." "Well, you've got to remember!" "It's kind of hard to think when you're yelling at me!" "All right, just... just go and find him... now!" "Axl!" "Darrin told the waiters to sing "Happy Birthday" to dad." "Oh, my God." "He's killed us all!" "All right, listen, we got to stop this!" "Everybody, fan out." "Axl, you check the kitchen." "Sue, you talk to the hostess." "You see anybody carrying a birthday cake, you take them out!" "Hey." "Wrong table." "Keep moving." "Citizen of King's Feast, by decree of the King," "I declare it to be the day of birth of noble townsman Mike Heck." "It's not my B... ♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪" "♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪" "♪ Happy Birthday, dear Mi-I-ke ♪" "♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪" "♪ You take a big breath and blow ♪" "Who?" "I don't get it." "Does your dad not like cake?" "No, Darrin, he does not like cake, he does not like being embarrassed, and he does not like you!" "Your dad doesn't like me?" "No..." "Darrin." "B-but he should." "Dad, I know Darrin isn't perfect, but Cindy ate a whole wedge of cheese, and Brick spent the whole dinner playing an arcade game, and Axl's being rude to mom's hair person's cousin's niece's daughter." "And none of this would've happened if we could've just had Thanksgiving at home, like God intended it to be!" "You know what?" "Home sounds like a good idea right now." "My God, Sue." "Thanks to you, now we got to go home, and I haven't even had a chance to make my mex-Italian meat sundae!" " You are so rude, Axl!" " You just try so hard!" " She's really, really cute!" " Be at home, eating turkey!" "Stop it!" "It's Thanksgiving!" "Thanksgiving... the one day of the year we're supposed to stop complaining and stressing out and just give thanks!" "I mean, we have so much to be thankful for." "We're all here together and we're healthy and we're... relatively happy." "You know, there are people that live in the street and have nothing to eat, and here we are with this bountiful feast of lo mein and moussaka and root-beer cake, and we're inside, where it's warm and nice and..." "Folks, this is not a drill." "We need everyone to evacuate the building immediately." "Game over, pink flounder." "At long last, you are mine." "Sorry, folks." "We had a small electrical fire." "As soon as the fire department clears us, we'll get you all back inside." "Sorry." "I spent all my money, but I couldn't get you your flounder." "My what?" " Mr. Heck, sir..." " Darrin, listen." "I don't dislike you." "All in all, you're a pretty good guy." "I'm just not gonna like anyone... anyone who's looking to take away my daughter." "It makes me grumpy." "You can understand that, right?" "Yes, sir." "But I'll try to be better anyway." "Good plan." "You seen my wife?" "I guess I was feeling sorry for myself." "For the first time in my life, I was thinking maybe I didn't have anything to be thankful for." "The last few months with two jobs, no dining-room table, a floor sink, having Thanksgiving in a restaurant, like a bunch of losers... it all just washed over me, and I was done." "Done trying to make everything fine for... are you kidding me?" "You are..." "You are so gonna get it." "Watch out." "Here it comes." "Whoo!" "Yeah, babe!" "Hey!" "No fair." "Who's that?" "Hey, turkey water!" "Pfft!" "Weak!" "Ohhh!" "I..." "I'm it!" "And just like that, the Thanksgiving we never wanted to remember turned into one we'd never forget." "Thanks for the ride." "My pleasure." "And, uh, just so you know, I don't have a girlfriend." "You don't?" "Well, I did." "But, uh..." "She..." "Died." " Really?" " Yeah." "Got the text during dinner, so..." "Wow." "So sudden." "Mm." "Well, not really." "She was in a coma." "Truth is, we weren't really that close." "You weren't really that close to your girlfriend?" "D..." "I mean, eh..." "We both knew before the coma it wasn't working out." "Um, her last words to me were, uh," ""Move on." "Be happy." "Find someone else."" "We didn't know at the time those were her last words, but, uh, still pretty poetic." " Wow." " Yeah." " Good luck with that." " Thank you." "Happy thanksgiv..."