"The fuchsia fox fell 50 fathoms from Father's famous fish fry." "All right, 32, I'll take the watch." "You can go home now." "Good morning, Professor Longnecker." "Oh, Smart." "Your turn to guard me again?" "Yes, and I must say that I always look forward to the pleasure of your company, Professor." "Thank you, Smart." "I see you didn't forget." "Me?" "Forget?" "Never!" "Forget what?" " Oh, your coffee." " Yes." "I knew there was something I didn't forget, but I couldn't remember what it was." "Well, Professor, I must say it's certainly an honor being here in your lab." "After all, you are CONTROL's greatest inventor, perhaps the greatest inventor in the world." "Well, I wouldn't say that." "Oh, don't be so modest, Professor." "I understand that this Omega Deltoid Solatron Mark II that you're working on could give CONTROL the means to destroy KAOS." "Yes, if I live to finish it." "Sometimes I get the feeling that my life is in danger." "Professor, I give you my absolute guarantee that with the protective measures around you, it would be impossible for anyone to kill you." "Guns, knives, explosives-- no weapon of any description, could possibly be smuggled into this laboratory." "There is not one single way they could get at you." "Poison!" "All right, one." "Professor Longnecker:" "Smart..." "I must confess something terrible." "You're not going to pay me for the coffee?" "All my life I have lied, not being what I said I have." "Smart..." "I have been a fraud." "All right, Professor, cut out the small talk." "You've got to save your strength." "All right, Smart." "I will try to do as you say." "Good." "Tell me the whole story right from the beginning and don't leave out a thing." "All the devices, the inventions-- none of them were my creation." "Are you saying that you stole all your ideas from somebody else?" "Yes..." "from the greatest... scientific... mind... in the world... today." "His name is-- is..." "Dr. T." " ( ringing )" " Hello, Chief?" "This is Max." "How are you, Chief?" "Oh, I'm fine, just fine." "Eh, Chief... guess who just died." "Well, you remember Professor Longnecker?" "( shouting )" "( theme music playing )" "Max." "Max, where are you?" "Right over here, 99, mopping up all this coffee." "Oh, Max." "How did it happen?" "These cheap coffee containers-- the bottom dropped right out of it." "Not the coffee, Max-- Professor Longnecker." "How did he die?" "Very slowly." "But how Max, how?" " He was poisoned." " Oh, Max." "The Chief is really furious." "He says thanks to you CONTROL has lost its greatest scientist." "99, I've got to tell you something." "You know how much respect I've always had for the dead." "I mean, I go to all of the CONTROL funerals." " I even say some of the eulogies." " What are you trying to say, Max?" "Longnecker was a fraud, a phony and a cheat." " Max!" " Not one of those inventions-- not one of them were his." "They were all the work of a scientific genius known as "Dr. T."" "That doesn't seem possible." "But it's true, 99." "I'm telling you, Longnecker told me everything." "Just before he died, he told me everything." "Good, Max." "Who is Dr. T?" "Where do we find him?" "Would you believe almost everything?" " Hi, Max." " Oh, hi, 99." "So this is Professor Longnecker's apartment?" "It's pretty Bohemian for such a renowned scientist, isn't it?" "Yes, well, that's the whole idea, 99, to throw KAOS off the trail." "You see, Professor Longnecker was posing as the creator of a science-fiction comic strip" ""The Girl from Galaxy." it was a perfect cover." "Except it didn't work." "What are you talking about?" "Of course it did." "They didn't kill him here." "They got him in the lab." "Listen, 99, did you find out anything about that restaurant that sold me the poisoned coffee?" "Yes, Max." "It was a KAOS front." "They stayed in business almost a year just to get the professor." "Then they packed up and disappeared." "Terrible, isn't it?" "It certainly is." "They had the best prune Danish in town." "I'm afraid our troubles with KAOS are just beginning, Max." "They'll do anything to keep us from finishing the Omega Deltoid Solatron Mark II now it looks as though Dr. T is the only one who can do it." "If we don't find him the entire civilized world will be in danger." "Not to mention our side." "99, take a look around and see if you can find anything." "Right, Max." "( knocks on door )" "Pardon me," "I have it on reliable authority that Professor Longnecker was murdered early this morning." "Yes, that's true." "You must be an old friend come to offer condolences." "No, I'm the landlord come to show the apartment." "This way, please." "Hmm." "They seem to be busy in the living room, so I'll show you the bedroom first." "Max, what are we going to do?" "Without Dr. T work on the Omega Deltoid Solatron Mark II is at a complete standstill." "Max, look." "Yes, son, what is it?" "What can I do for you?" "I came to collect for the newspaper." "Professor Longnecker owes me 85¢." "Uh, Professor Longnecker died this morning, dear." "Gee." "Here, I'll take care of it." "Keep the change." "Thanks, miss." "Maybe I can do you a favor sometime." "Anything interesting, Max?" "Nothing much, 99." "It's just Professor Longnecker's datebook." "Max, look at this." "Every day Professor Longnecker had lunch at a Chinese restaurant on First Street at 3:00." "Well, what's so strange about that?" "3:00 for lunch?" "That's an odd hour." "Why would he eat then?" "Probably because he was hungry." "Max, that restaurant is a good five miles from the lab." "Well, that's not so strange." "The long walk probably made him hungry." "Don't you think we ought to check it out anyway, Max?" "Well, all right, 99." "We'll go over there at 3:00 this afternoon." "Max, look." "Max, what did you do?" "Just eliminated a KAOS agent." "Well, how could you be sure?" "Because, 99, my eagle eye picked out a few things that the ordinary person might not see:" "first of all, his sponge was absolutely filthy;" "second, he was using horizontal strokes instead of vertical strokes;" "and finally, he was holding his squeegee with an overlapping lacrosse grip." "Besides, it's raining and window washers don't work in the rain." "I wasn't finished, 99." "Sorry, Max." "Besides, it's raining and window washers don't work in the rain." "Good thinking, Max." "There's nobody here, Max." "Yes, the food must be terrible." "Well, we got here very quickly." "It's only 20 of 3:00." "Listen to this, 99." " Sounds very strange." " What does it say, Max?" ""Look in other fortune cookie."" ""See me at 3:00, Dr. T."" "Obviously some sort of code." "It's a straightforward message, Max." "He's going to meet us here at 3:00." "How diabolically clever, a straightforward message." "Only a genius could have thought of that." "Right, Max." "Well, 99, everything is going perfectly." "Not only have we located our quarry, but we've finally beaten KAOS to the punch... but not the gun." "( German accent ) Good afternoon, Smart." "Max, it's Siegfried." "I know it's Siegfried." "Tell me, Siegfried, what's a high-class killer like you doing in a place like this?" "The same thing you are, Smart." " Yes, well, as a matter of fact, we were just..." " ( click guns )" " ...staying." " Nobody leaves, not until we have made contact with your friend, Dr. T." "Dr. T?" "What are you talking about, Siegfried?" "I've never heard of a Dr. T." "Neither have I. What does he specialize in?" "Fortune cookie messages, and the Omega Deltoid Solatron Mark II." "How do you like that?" "Two wild lucky guesses." "You fool." "You think we have no other ways of communication?" "Of course, the old microphone- in-the-squeegee trick." "Enough of this small talk." "Let us sit down like civilized spies and wait for Dr. T." "But first-- gun please!" "You too, 99." "Gun please, and no tricks." "I may be a gentleman, but I'm also a deadly killer." "Now at precisely 3:00" "Dr. T will enter, I will capture him." "And then I will permanently eliminate both you "und" 99." "So until 3:00, eat, drink and be merry." "Max, it's three minutes till 3:00." "Mmm." "Good." "Pass the Chinese kreplach." "( chimes )" "( clock chimes )" "( clock chimes )" "Paper, anybody?" "You can read all about it." "Read all about what?" "If I told you, you wouldn't have to buy the paper." "Why don't you break down and buy a paper from the kid, Smart?" "Because we already subscribe at the office." "How about you, sir?" "Buzz off, punk." "Mmm." "Mmm." "Mmm-mmm." "Well, I have to say that this is the worst Chinese food that I've ever eaten." "Well, Siegfried, it's 20 minutes after 3:00." "Now will you believe that Dr. T is not meeting us here?" "Ja, I believe you." "Und now it's time for us to say... goodbye." "Goodbye." "But, Max, why did Siegfried let us go?" "Why didn't he kill us while he had the chance?" "Hold it, 99." " Don't turn around?" " What is it, Max?" "Look through my mirrored cufflinks." "It's Siegfried and his henchmen following us in that black car." "Yes, they're waiting for us to lead them to Dr. T." "But how can we, Max?" "We don't even know who Dr. T is." "We don't." "I do." "You see, 99, besides being a great scientific genius," "Dr. T. is also an expert on the skateboard." "What are you talking about, Max?" "99" " Dr. T." "Chief on speakerphone:" "The results from the computer analysis, Max?" "Not yet, Chief, but I'm positive I'm right." "I mean, it has to be more than a coincidence that that newspaper kid showed up at Longnecker's apartment and the Chinese restaurant too." "Besides, the restaurant is directly across from the school which lets out at 10 minutes to 3:00." "Chief:" "It's too incredible-- a bubblegum-chewing scientific genius." "Here comes the first card now, Chief." ""Full name-- Tyler J. Tattledove;" "age-- 11 years, two months;" "attends Sequoia Junior High School, eighth grade."" "Chief:" "See, Max?" "There's nothing unusual about him." ""Also has master's degree in Analytical Calculus from Chicago University," "Ph.D in Chemical Engineering from Cal Tech."" "Chief:" "Incredible." "Anything else?" "Yes. "I need oil."" "Chief:" "Max, turn it off." "I'm convinced." "Get Tyler Tattledove, Max." "CONTROL needs him." "As good as done, Chief." "I don't know, Max." "Every CONTROL agent is going to be followed by a KAOS agent." "From the second we leave this building, Siegfried will be tailing us." "Don't give it another thought, 99." "Just follow me and I'll show you how to shake a tail." "Max, something's wrong." "I could swear this elevator isn't moving." "It isn't, 99." "A little wiring trick of mine causes the elevator to stand still while the indicator shows it going up." "Max, your resourcefulness is amazing." "Thank you, 99." "By now Siegfried should be searching the heliport on the roof." "Now all we have to do is to walk out of the front door of this building." "Well, that's it, 99." "We've lost him." "Where to, Max?" "Max, do you think your trick worked?" "There is absolutely no possibility that" "Siegfried is anywhere within 10 miles of here." "Good afternoon, Smart." "It's amazing how his voice carries though." "Max." "Let's face it, Smart, this high cost of eluding could bankrupt both KAOS and CONTROL." "Unless, of course, we were to join forces for this assignment." "Max, if they find Dr. T, they'll kill him." ""Nein nein," 99." "At a special KAOS meeting we decided that Dr. T, whoever he is, would be much more useful to us alive." "You haven't got a chance, Siegfried." "Very well." "I merely propose you lead me to him, and let the good doctor decide for himself which side he chooses." "All right, Siegfried, I accept your challenge." "Then it is agreed." "You will present your good arguments und I will present our evil ones, und may the worst side win." "Well, Smart, where's your Dr. T?" "Will you relax, Siegfried?" "The trouble with you is you don't have any patience." "I have all the patience in the world, it's just that waiting bugs me." "Well, you don't have to wait any longer." "He's here." "Dr. T." "Hi." "You mean to tell me this itsy-bitsy little kid is the most brilliant scientific mind of our times?" "Ridiculous!" "It's true maybe?" "Yes, it's true, Siegfried." "Son, my name is Maxwell Smart," "Agent 86 of CONTROL." "Und I'm Count von Siegfried," "Vice President in Charge of Treason for KAOS." "Gosh, what did you want to talk to me about?" "Siegfried:" "Well, that all depends." "First of all, can you prove you're really Dr. T?" "Sure." "Mr. Count Siegfried, would you toss that cup in the air, please?" " ( clicks ) - ( air humming )" "( clicks )" "Amazing!" "That's fantastic." "How do you do it?" "It's really quite simple, 99." "You just stick your tongue through the gum and blow." "Then you purse your lips." "I meant the little black box, Max." "Oh, that." "You tell them about it, kid." "Oh, sort of on the principle of instantaneous molecular repulsion." "It sets up a kind of electronic force field that repels anything it's directed against." "Right." "Well, Siegfried, are you satisfied?" "All except for one thing." "Tell me, Doctor, why were you giving all your miraculous inventions to Professor Longnecker?" "Because he needed ideas for the comic strip he was drawing." "It was the least I could do, considering he always bought my newspaper." "I see." "Und now that the subscription has expired, along with the professor, I take it you have no further commitments?" "You are a free agent?" "Gee, I don't know." "I don't get out of school till 3:00, and two afternoons a week I have little league." "Listen, son, if you come with CONTROL, not only will you play on our baseball team but you'll get to pitch." "You can pitch for the KAOS team too." "Und in our league, the spitball is legal." "Also, our umpires can be bribed." "There's more to life than just baseball, Dr. T." "With us you can look forward to a rewarding future of self-sacrifice and hard work for the good of your fellow man." "We have potato chips and soda pop for breakfast, free TV, horror movies, und the right to call Captain Langaroo a fink." "Now wait a minute, Siegfried, you're a little out of line." "That isn't fair." "Look, son, there's one very important thing that you have to remember-- he is on the side of evil;" "we are on the side of good." "But why is good better than evil?" "Eh, why is good better than evil?" "Yes, well, everybody knows why good is better than evil." "Why, all you have to do is look at the world around you." "Who always comes out on top?" "Who always gets everything they want, the good guys or the bad guys?" "Eh, let me put it another way-- enough of this fishmongering!" "Which side are you going to choose?" "Oh, boy, that's easy." "I'm on the side she's on." "She's a knockout." "I knew he'd do what any red-blooded American boy would do." "Here are the plans for the Omega Deltoid Solatron Mark II, Mr. Smart." "All is not lost for KAOS." "Gun, please." "Come on, 99, your gun." "Quickly." " Here." " What is that?" "My permit." "You might as well take it." "You use my guns more than I do." "Careful, kid, or else I'll shoot your new lady friend." "You're a bad bad man." "Flattery won't help you now, kid." "Get back, under the table." "Max, look out!" "( screams )" "Okay, fatso, that's it." "I shall now proceed to take you apart piece by piece." "Listen, I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about fatso." " Can you get it to work?" " I'm trying." "( gongs )" "( gongs )" "Hurry!" "( gongs )" "Splendid fight, Smart." "A little noisy, but splendid." "What's wrong?" " I don't know." " Oh, quick." "Und now you die." "( click )" "Gosh darn it!" "Just in time." " 99, are you all right?" " Yes, Max." " How about you, Dr. T?" " I'm okay," "But if you'll excuse me," "I have to get home before dinner or I'll get a spanking." "Oh, Max, isn't it a fascinating world where you find such a strange combination of childishness and genius?" "It certainly is, 99." "No, Max, first you have to put your tongue through it and then you blow." "I know how to do it, 99." "( theme music playing )"