"Okay, nobody panic." "Listen up, listen up." "Everyone, follow me to the shelter." "We've got enough food for 14 days." "After that, we have a difficult conversation." "My bad." "Space heater and fan were on high, plugged into the same outlet, so..." "The server went down?" "Anybody know that password?" "'Cause we can't work." "Try "password."" "Try zero, zero, zero..." "Now try zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, one." "I'm not doing every number." "Wait, does anyone remember when it was set up?" "It was eight years ago?" "Lord of the Rings stuff?" "I don't know, I think of things that happened at the time." "Everyone got their driver's license." "Why don't we call the IT guy who set it up?" "What's the name of the one in glasses?" "Moving backwards, our IT guys have been..." "Glasses, Turban, Ear Hair, Fatty 3," "Shorts, Fatty 2, Lozenge, and Fatso." "I think Lozenge was the one who installed it." "I got it." "Try..." "It made me laugh when I heard it, but Pam got really offended." "Big boobs." "Drama queen?" "Nosy?" "You're typing "big boobs"?" " I'm trying everything." " Try "big boobz" with a "z"." "That's..." "The password." "We're in." "All right." "The important thing is, this kept us secure, people." " Feygnasse Team " ".:" "La Fabrique :." "Morning." " Hey, I'm Wuphf." " I'm Facebook." " What's up, Facebook?" " I sent you a message yesterday," " I haven't heard anything back." " You should've sent me a Wuphf." " What?" " When you send a Wuphf, it goes to your home phone, cell, email, Facebook, Twitter, and home screen." "All at the same time." "Wuphf dot-com!" " Thanks, Erin." " Sure." "Pam, I don't wanna be a lousy snitch." "Ryan uses the color printer for his business a lot," " and as office administrator..." " It's okay." "But it's not for..." "Let it go." "Yes, I invested in Wuphf." "It's a really great idea, and I can't believe it didn't exist before." "I know Ryan's kind of a sketchy guy, but hey, I married Jim." "I've done my part for the nice guy." "Now I want a bedroom set." "I think an investors ski trip, frankly, is the best idea." "It'll be a bonding experience." " I love it." " Looking at a trail map," "I was thinking we should start on a bunny hill, because I've never actually been skiing." "And then work our way up to death drop." "Great, so we got our first offer to buy the company." " You're kidding." " We could sell, but why think so small?" "We can get a couple more people involved, do this our way." "You and me, baby." "New investors are key." "That's why I came in." "Don't you work here full time?" "I was thinking I'd sit down with a few of the people who haven't invested yet." "Or we could do that together." "If that sounds fun to you." "That does sound fun to me." "Awesome." "This is good hay." "This is the good stuff." "Mattress quality." "Every fall, growing up, my uncle Eldred used to build a maze out of hay bales for us kids to play in." "We called it hay place." "Eldred called it hay world." "Eventually, lawyers were brought in." "But that's all behind us." "Hay place lives on." "Watch it." "Welcome to hay place." "A place for hay." "Don't forget to make a broom." "The petting zoo closes at 2:00, and the goat roast is at 3:00." "Come on in, enjoy!" "I'm kind of in the mood for a roll in the hay." "Roll in the hay, five dollars." "No, I meant..." "Our contract." "Yes, why don't we meet at the usual spot." "I've got a half an hour in-between the historical reenactment of the Dunmore farm slaughters and the onion boil." "Perfect." "Excuse me, get off of there." "Those are show bales, not play bales." "All right, thank you." "I'll send the contracts over." "All right." "I'm on the first hot sale streak of my life." "It all comes from feeding CeCe, because no matter how much she resists," "I sell her those carrots." "If I can make mushed carrots seem better than a boob..." "I can pretty much sell anything." "Commission comes out to..." "Zero." "It can't be zero, Kev." "I entered the sale, and I hit enter, and I said..." " I'm pretty sure I timesed it right." " You met your commission cap last week." "So until the end of the fiscal year, your commission will be zero." "What?" "We have a commission cap?" "It's a new corporate policy." "Is this job really about the money for you?" "Isn't this where you fell in love?" "A commission cap takes away my incentive to sell." "So you realize I have no reason to work, right?" "When you're dealing with a large organization, sometimes you have to put up with policies you don't like." "I wish my gym didn't allow full nudity in the locker room." "Seeing these old guys walking around naked feels almost passive-aggressive." "But I deal with it." "'Cause it's policy." "See?" "Nudity makes me uncomfortable." "My gym allows it." "I wish they didn't, but it's policy." "So I respect it, and I just... keep a low..." "I look away." "Think about your commission cap as a naked old man in a gym locker room." "Excuse me, everyone." "Sex!" "Now I have your attention..." "You don't have it." "Money!" " I'm listening." " You had me at "sex"." " Pervert." " You have our attention" " just by screaming anything." " That's good to know." " What do you want to say?" " Wuphf!" "I've warmed them up for you." "You have the floor." "How's everybody doing?" "Good!" "A lot of you have already staked out your corner of the Wuphf empire." "Raise your hand if I'm describing you." "Great." "Yes, I have a dream." "And it's not some MLK dream for equality." "I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse." "And I want to live at the top." "And nobody knows I live there." "And there's a button that I can press, and it'll launch that lighthouse into space." "For my current investors, things are going great." "We have a buyer." " Really?" "Who?" " Washington university." "I don't wanna think about selling until our numbers get into the billions." "At least." "So I've decided to open up a second round of investment to friends and family." "Hold on to your wallets, ladies." "Did you ever think of Wuphf as an emergency notification system for college campuses with shooters or gas leaks?" "Oscar, it's not a digital rape whistle." "Wuphf is about fun." "Fun, communication, connection." "What's your money situation?" "Well, it's tight, as with any start-up." "How long can you sustain without cash infusion?" "We have nine solid days." "I love these questions, keep 'em coming." "I'm sorry, nine days until what?" "Bankruptcy?" "Wait, Ryan, so this could be over by the weekend?" "How long do you think a week is?" "Not this weekend, next weekend." "We were gonna go on the investors ski trip." "I bought... poles." "Well, since I have no incentive to sell," "I've cleaned my car, organized my desk, and taken a multivitamin." "So..." "What now?" "Now I've tried everything." " Did you prank Dwight?" " No." "Well, you like that." "It's not as fun if I'm not blowing off work." "I love you, but I'm kinda busy, so I need you to figure this one out on your own." "Oscar said Wuphf only has enough money for nine days." "Check this out." "All that color." "Look at that." "Triple your investment by January." "Anyone can throw numbers up on a chart." "How do you make it happen?" "Earlier today, I was emailing someone by the name of John Legend." " There you go." " You have his email?" "We get that guy wuphfing, it's over." " I want my money back." " Do not talk like that, Stanley." "Ryan, just tell us your plan." "Okay, all right." "I know what you wanna see." "I'll be right back." "Hey, kids, was that fun?" " I wanna go on it again." " I bet you do." "When I was a little kid, they couldn't get me off the hayride." "But it's gonna cost you three more bucks." "This brings back memories." "Hay stacking, hay throwing..." "And at the end of it all, one lucky boy would be crowned hay king." "I always wanted to be hay king." "The world shines on Mose." "Where were you?" "I've been waiting." " Can we move this till end of the day?" " No, you should make time for it." "Found the needle in the haystack!" "Congratulations." "You know what your prize is?" " I don't know." " Nothing." "Life lesson?" "Some tasks are not worth doing." "Wuphf t-shirts." "Who wants one?" "Just imagine that you're at spring break Daytona beach." "Everyone's:" ""hey dude, what's up with the hotties in the wuphf shirts?"" "Or:"hey, what's up with that helicopter?"" " "It's Ry from wuphf!" - "Ryan the wuphf guy!"" ""Ry from wuphf!" "What's he dropping?"" ""What's falling on us, man?" "Wuphf condoms!"" "50,000 condoms out of the sky." "He threw 'em on the ground!" "This is a marketing campaign." "You got nine days." "You get the money." "What you gonna do?" "The first lesson of Silicon Valley, is that you only think about the user, the experience." "You actually don't think about money." "Ever." " That sounds weird." " No, it's not, and you know what?" "We have an offer from Washington University." "So monetize that." "Are you guys meeting about wuphf?" "You know it was my idea, right?" "I said to Ryan, "I try to call you, you don't have your phone."" ""I try to I.M., you're not online." ""Wish I could do everything all at once, and be like this little dog going..." "I think I'm gonna stay here." "I do, this isn't right." "I help you, you help me." " But it's not right." " I got this, don't worry about this." "Is it any particular branch of Washington University?" "Washington University Public Health Fund." "W.u.p.h.f." "They only want it for the initials." " The domain name, yeah, they do." " I move we sell." "What?" " Sell." " Get us out of this." "Have some faith in this idea." "If everybody wants it, we sell, right?" "I won't sell." "And you know what?" "Ryan and I have the majority of shares." " Isn't that right?" " You alone do, actually." "We're not selling." "I will not sell." "Awesome." "Do you mind if we share this bale?" "Sure." "There's no charge to sit on the hay, is there?" "Probably." "Wouldn't you think, ten dollars to build your own broom would include hay and not just instructions?" "Starting to think this guy is just trying to make money." "Instead of hay place it should be pay place." "Don't laugh at me." "No, I wasn't, I was just laughing at your joke." "Pay place." "So we can celebrate Thanksgiving-me-your-money day." " That's humorous." " Thank you." "You guys know how to get out?" "Can't talk, saving the planet." "We don't recycle." "We don't?" "Why have I been separating trash into whites and colors?" "No one asked you to do that." "Eight years." "I know you really like Ryan." "No, I won't even consider it." "I hate to say this, but..." "You know this special bond that you've always felt with Ryan, where, like, you're best friends or you're his mentor or something?" "Right, yes." "Best friend/mentor." "I think that that feeling only goes one way." "And I think that Ryan knows that, and he's taking advantage of you." "I think you are wrong." "And there are a lot of other people in this office who have money at stake." "Other people you care about." "You may be right." "I may be crazy." "Don't." "I'm just saying that I think I agree with your point." "Yeah, but in a jokey way where you're gonna start singing." "Thought it might make me feel better." "Go ahead." "Nice, wasting time." "Here we go." "Back off." "It's solitaire." "Kid." " Looking for work?" " Talk to me." "How far can you reach those lovely long arms of yours?" "Put 'em down." "How long can you hold that pretty little breath of yours?" "Good." "Are you distracting these people?" "We're working." "Can you at least try to look busy?" "The moment Darla ate the cupcake, her daddy pulled her aside and said, "you're too fat."" ""No one's gonna like you if you're too fat."" "Next time I saw David Geffen was at the Buffalo Club." ""I love you, you gay bastard," I said." ""You gay bastard," I..." " How's it going, bro?" " Good, bro." "Thanks for having my back." "Always have your back." "So any ideas on how we can get over this nine-day hump here?" "I have nothing but ideas." "Thing is, they all require money." "Nine days, though." "That's..." "I know I've tapped you so hard." "Yes, you have tapped this." "Hard." "You are funny." "People don't give you enough credit." "Maybe I could take a second mortgage on my condo." "Lot of people are doing that." "There don't seem to be consequences." "They say the rates have never been lower." "So you would think that's a good idea for me to do?" "Think about this:" "you and me on a private plane flown by our private pilot" "Eating our private meal cooked by our private chef." "We never even have dinner now, so..." " We totally should." " Tonight?" " I gotta work on this." " Right." "What am I saying?" "Rain check." "And now, by show of applause, we will crown this year's Hay King." "All in favor of..." "Purebred." "Put your hands together for..." "Mixed bread." "And let's hear it for..." "Purebred." "It appear we have a three-way tie." "I have no choice but to pick the hay king myself." "I pick... me!" "I am your Hay King!" "All hail your Hay King!" "Did I truck 300 bales of hay to a parking lot to rectify some childhood disappointment?" "So if I were to call Dunder Mifflin and ask for miss Angela Martin, would I get you?" "You would." "If I were to call your house and ask for your wife, would I get you?" "My wife passed away a few years ago." "How tragic." "Very sorry to hear that." "Help!" "Hello?" "Help!" "Consider it a wuphf in person." "You're doing the wrong thing." "You're gonna lose Michael's investment and ours." "You got this crazy opportunity to get our money back." "Tell Mike to sell." "If you tell him to sell, he'll sell." " I'm betting on myself." " It's a bad bet." "It's an ambush here." "Nobody believes in this company." "You'll tell them they're wrong?" "It's not in the company." "We don't believe in you." "All those in favor of selling, say aye." "Do not agree to sell, which is to say nay." "What is wrong with you?" "What happened to you in high school?" "Are you that blind?" "I'm not blind!" "I know exactly who he is." "He is selfish, and lazy, and image-obsessed, and he is a bad friend." "And he's also clever." "And he shoots incredibly high." "And he may just make it." "But even if he doesn't," "I'd rather go broke betting on my people than get rich all by myself on some island like a castaway." "And there is no middle ground." "You're gonna lose all of our money." "Only if he fails." "And you know what?" "Ryan, I believe in you." "Just like I believe in all of you." "You have nine days to save everybody's money." "That's a lot of pressure." "I'm gonna need some more time." "You can't have it." "I won't let you down." "The world sends people your way..." "Ryan came to me through a temp agency." "Andy was transferred here." "No idea where Creed came from." "Point is you just have to play with the cards that you're dealt." "That guy is an ace." "Dwight is my king up my sleeve." "Phyllis is my old maid." "Oscar is my queen." "That's easy." "Gimme a hard one." "That's what Oscar said." "Toby is the instruction card you throw away." "Pam's a solid seven." "And, you know what?" "Ryan is probably, like, a two." "But sometimes twos can be wild." "So watch out." "And I am obviously the joker." "So..." "That's..." "Wuphf from Ryan Howard." "Decided to sell company." "Thanks, bro." "Hell of a ride." "Thank god." "Now listen here, Gabe, you're too fat." "No one's gonna like you if you're too fat." "I made some changes to my book." "See if you like them." "Now, I love reading, and I hate being interrupted." "Shut up and listen, you gay bastard." "Chapter one." "I was born, not into luxury nor poverty, but into adversity, and for that, I thank the lord." "My father was a man." "That's all we can know." "After I learned to ride a bike, there was no stopping me." "I would ride up Magnolia street and down Azalea lane." " Which would later..." " All right, good night." "Just wanted to say thanks again, I really made good use of my day..." "Sorry..." "Fate has obliged me with plenty of battles, first being..."