"Just relax." "You're Alex Moran, second-string quarterback on a top football college team in the nation." "You can handle this." "Just visualize and execute." "Ready..." "Go!" "Strike!" "This is awesome." "Nice job, Moran." "Run it again." "Defense, shut it down this time." "I'm gonna murder your balls, Moron." "It's good!" "What the hell was that, Moran?" "They checked out." "What's the audible?" "Dylan?" " Do you know the audible?" " Like the back of my dick, sir." "Get in there." " What the hell is this, Denise?" " It's not what it looks like." "So this guy's not sitting on my game jersey right now?" "Baby, these wrinkles take forever to come out." "Craig, this is Chase." "We're in business class together." "Good to meet you, Craig." "I'm a big fan of yours, by the way." "Sorry about the jersey, man." "It's all right, man." "I shouldn't have left it on the couch if I didn't want somebody to sit on it." "Ready?" "One, two, three." "Sammy, I am pleased to announce that you, our mascot, have been officially inducted into the Blue Mountain State spirit squad!" " Sammy, you are so funny!" " I was totally joking with you." "We should celebrate." "Slumber party at my place." "I've got vino." "I will definitely come to your slumber party tonight." "I might have to leave a little early though." "I have plans." "Doing what?" "Me and my best friend had plans to bro-down the other day, but he was busy so he said he'd call me tonight." "I've heard that one before." "What do you mean?" "So I want to put this in terms that you'll understand, son, because obviously football isn't doing the trick." "I want you to think of this team as a big-tittied coed with a tight little ass." "So you want to take this coed to bed?" "To be honest with you, I'd probably just take her to a keg party, maybe settle for a BJ." "See, I figured as much." "That's why I'm moving you down to third string." "Darn it." "Damn!" "Third string?" "That sucks!" "I'm sorry, man." "Are you kidding me?" "This is great!" "I don't have to do anything now." "I should've think of this sooner." "All right, goats, come on, let's have a good practice!" "Defense stay here, offense up here." "Where do you think you're going?" "You're third string." "You practice with special teams now." "Special teams?" "Welcome to special teams." "I'm Harmon Tadesco, best goddamn place kicker in the whole continental world." "Right on, Alex." "You're gonna like it here." "We play hard, we party harder." "And we triple-team chicks." "That's European style, of course." "Don't worry..." "Our dicks will never touch." "Okay, you answered my question." "All right, your job, Alex, is to hold the ball correctly so that my perfect leg which is attached to my perfect foot can kick the living shit out of that ball." "I want you to think of us as one big unit, all right?" "You're the dick, I'm the balls, all these other guys are the assholes." "Come on, that's funny." "Whatever." " Let's do this." " Right." "Right in the face!" "What is wrong with you?" "Are you drunk?" "No, sir, I'm not drunk." "I resent that." "I am on a lot of "e" right now." "A big difference." "So these traveling pants fit everybody in the sisterhood?" "Even the fat one?" "So, Kate, tell us about your date last night." "It was pretty standard." "He said I had nice hair." " So I did him." " Let me guess..." " No phone call today?" " Not even a text." "Football players are the worst!" "That's not true." "Not all of them." "Some of them are pretty cool." "Oh yeah?" "And what happened to your bro-down tonight?" " He'll call." " They never call." "Hello there." "I'm..." "Not important enough to be talking to such a fine-looking woman." "He's my backup." "But you're a backup too." "Yeah, but you're a backup's backup." "So why don't you back a backup up and backup?" " You wouldn't believe what happened." " Denise is not cheating on me." "Where did that come from?" " She says it's a business meeting." " That sucks." "What are you doing here, Moron?" " Having a beer." " This area is for real players only." "Special teams." "Special room." "Move it!" "In there." "You're just in time." "I'm about to tell how I performed cunnilingus on three girls at once." "Here, come on, get out here." "That's a Alex's seat." "Come on, buddy, right here." " Great." " Sit on down." "Take a load off." "I should go." "Good luck Saturday, champ." "See ya!" "What's up with you and that guy?" "And no more of this business-class bullshit." "I want the truth." "How long have we been together?" " A year and a half." " 537 days." "Which means I've devoted over 8% of my life to you." "You think I'd jeopardize that for an imitation Armani suit?" " I'm getting jealous, baby." " You think I don't get jealous with all these girls around you all the time?" "It's natural." "But, babe, what did I tell you on our first date?" "Keep your eyes straight ahead." "Watch the line, not the ball." "I told you that trust is the sacred glue that binds our hearts." "Oh yeah!" "I knew that." "Then where's the glue, Craig?" " Where's the glue?" " I got glue." "I got glue!" "And that, that is how I performed cunnilingus on three girls at once." "Know what I'm saying?" "You know what, Alex, man?" "I like you." "I'm gonna let you in on one of the secrets of special teams, all right?" "It's called trickle-down bang." "The girls starters don't want, the second stringers get." "The girls the second stringers don't want, we get." "You know what?" "They all got pussies." "I am not too sure about that." "Do you know why they call me Dirty Sanchez?" "I'll give you a hint." "I'm not Mexican." "There you are, Alex!" "I bet you're wondering if I drank this whole 30-pack and smoked all of this weed by myself." "Let me put it this way." " I did!" " I've been meaning to call you, but..." "But what?" "!" "You've made new friends now?" "He's on special teams now." "Special?" "I remember when our relationship used to be special." "Sammy!" "Sammy, don't go!" "Sammy, don't go." "Come back." "Denise and I got in a huge fight." "I need to crash on your couch." "That's kind of occupied at the moment." "They said they needed to use the toilet, now I can't get them to leave." " Try to ignore them." " Ignore that?" "I can't." "You can see that from space." "Special teams means special times, bros." "Know what I'm saying?" "Sammy's not home so if you want to crash in there, you can." "It's all yours." "Watch your step." "Touchdown!" "Extra point attempt." "It's good!" "Another crack shot from 55 yards for Tadesco." "I'm gonna need my position back." "If you could just go into coach's office and say that second string was, like, way too much pressure for you," " I'd appreciate it." " Fat chance, dickwad." " Excuse me?" " I'm having the best time of my life." "It's not my fault you're a piece of shit who couldn't appreciate what he had." "But hey, here." "Clean my jockstrap, third string." "Get all those crusties off." "Crusties?" "How about that?" "Make him eat the crusties!" "Break it up." "Knock it off!" " What the hell is this all about?" " Bitch boy wants his job back." " I deserve another shot, coach!" " No way, Moran." "I think special teams is right where you belong." "I'm sick of blowjobs, coach." "I want to bang the coed." " I'll put in the work." " And what are you going to do?" "Live scrimmage." "Me and Douchenozzle." "I deserve another shot." "This is the fire I've been looking for from you." "I was hoping it'd be for the starting job, but..." "You know what?" "Live scrimmage, one hour." "Full pads, full speed." "Scrimmage to the death!" "You don't want to do this." "I will do anything to avoid going back to that." "Tell me what it smells like, Stevie." "Don't hold back, man." "Get creative." "I got something for you." "Ready to go another round?" "I don't want to fight anymore, baby." "Why aren't you at practice?" "Because I realized that I haven't been paying enough attention to you lately." "And I'm sorry." "You again?" "What are you doing here?" "And where's your shirt?" " It's..." " In the dryer." "How stupid do you think I am?" "Are you sleeping with him?" "How dare you ask me that!" "I am looking out for our future." "What does my future have to do with this dude with no shirt on?" "Can you excuse us?" "Sit." "It is best you don't know this, but he is an agent." "He's an agent." "You can't talk to agents yet, but I can." "All right?" "Chase came over this morning to talk about endorsement deals." "And I spilled coffee on his shirt." "And now it's in the dryer." "And I would have told you about this sooner..." "But the less I knew the better." "This whole time I've been letting that jealousy monster eat away at our trust glue." "You've just been looking out for me." "I'm gonna get us the representation we deserve." "Now okay?" " These are for you." " Thank you." "These are for you." "I'm sorry about all that." "I've got to get to practice so you guys just keep on doing what you were doing." "That's my baby." "I called him three times last night and sent a text message this morning and he still hasn't gotten back to me." "He's not worth it." "Just forget it." "No, don't forget it!" "He's just gonna do the same thing to the next girl with nice hair." "I'm sick of this." "I'm sick of us getting pushed around." "I mean, when you tell someone you're gonna call them, you call them." "I don't tell people I'll share 30 beers, smoke a bunch of weed and watch all the "lethal weapons"" "and then not do any of those things." "I just don't do it!" "We've been wronged, girls." "Enough with the tears." "Let's raise our fists and let those bastards know that we won't be ignored." "I'm gonna make you my bitch." "You just got pissed on." "Help help!" "Please, help me." "I don't deserve this." " That was pure luck." " Oh, it's all luck." "It's called a phone, Jeremy!" "You should use it sometime!" "Stop!" " Send him in." " All right, H.T., fourth down!" "55 yards to go, no time left on the clock, what's that, foot?" "You want the spotlight?" "A field goal?" "That's just gonna tie it." "No, I want the win." " We need a big play." " A Chinese field goal." "This'll work?" "Does a clown really get in the business to make children laugh?" "You know if this works, I won't be on special teams anymore?" "You're just not special teams material." "That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me." "All right, man." "Let's get you back up to second string, you gigantic pussy." "I like this guy." "All right," "Chinese field goal on ready." "Ready?" "Break!" "Ready." "It's a Chinese field!" "It's a fake." "It's a fake!" "That was a ballsy call, Moran." "A lot of balls, a lot of heart, not a lot of brain." " Where'd you come up with that play?" " He said he could catch it." "He's a kicker." "All they do is kick." "You're second string." "I want to say thanks." "If you weren't such a screw-up I never would have even had a shot." "I don't even know how a dipshit like you got into this program, you stupid piece of shit." "But you know..." "Oh, God!" "Still think I have nice hair, asshole?" "Payback's a bitch, bitch." "And let that be a lesson to you, Alex." "You destroyed my knee." "That is such a shame." "Promise me you'll never let a girl come between our friendship." "I promise." "Promise me that you will be aggressive on back-end merchandising points." "Craig's a freaking superstar." "I can get him anything." "That's my girl." "That's it, that's it, that's it!" " Bro-down?" " Bro-down!" "And thanks for not breaking my kneecaps earlier, bro." "You got it, best friend." "I saved you some cake too." "That looks just like us!" "Are you watching "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants"?" "And the pants fit everyone." "Even the fat one." " Really?" " Yeah." " So are they the same size?" " No, they stretch."