"All right, Mom, I'm all done wrapping Dad's anniversary present for you!" " Is it someone's anniversary soon?" " Oh, you!" "Just kidding." "I wonder what it is." "It's a..." "Oh, shucks." "I can't tell you." "But it's really nifty." "Well, looks like we're going to have to do something extra special for Mommy and Daddy's anniversary this year." "How about on Saturday we all go have dinner at Bennigan's?" "Bennigan's?" "Oh, boy, you mean it?" "At Bennigan's" "I'm going to get the Ranch Hand Baby Back Ribs!" "Calm down, there, cowboy." "You've still got four days." "Four days?" "I don't know how I'm going to wait that long." "Who's the boy that can laugh at a storm cloud?" "Turn a frown into a smile for free?" "Who's the kid with a heart full of magic?" "Everyone knows it's Butters" "That's me!" "Who's the boy with eyes full of wonder?" "Who thinks being yourself is the best thing to be?" "Who's that rascal with the tweezers in his pocket?" "Everyone knows it's Butters" "That's me!" "Jumping in puddles Skipping down the hallway" "Petting goats at the petting zoo He loves John Elway" "No way!" "Who's that tyke with the cutest little dimples" "Batting his eyes at every puppy he sees?" "If you look inside yourself you might be surprised when you find" "A little boy named Butters" "Well, that's..." "That's me." "Yeah." "Three more days till we eat at Bennigan's." "That's... 72 hours?" "Oh, gee whiz!" "Well, if you two will excuse me," "I need to go out and buy a certain special lady her anniversary present." "I hope he means me." "Don't be silly, Mom." "Of course he means you." "I'll be back in a little bit." "Butters, you're in charge of the house." "Yes, sir!" "Oh, I wonder what he's going to get me this year." "We won't know until we're at Bennigan's." "Every year it's the same." "Your father gets me some great gift, and my gift to him falls short." "I've just got to outdo him this year." "I've just got to!" "Dad's a good shopper, all right." "Butters, maybe you could secretly follow your dad and see what he's getting me." "You mean, spy on him?" "But ain't that kind of like fibbing?" "No, it's a little different." "You remember when the nice policeman gave you a badge" " and made you an honorary inspector?" " Sure I do." "Why, I think Inspector Butters could find out what Daddy's getting Mommy without him ever knowing." "What do you say?" "Inspector Butters is on the case, ma'am." "Everyone knows it's Butters" "That's me!" "Dad's going to see a movie." "How nice." ""White Swallow Bath House."" "Everyone knows it's Butters" "That's me!" "I'm back, Ma!" "Hi, sweetie." "Did you get to follow your dad around?" "I sure did." "Dad sure had a nice night out." "Well, did you see what he got me for our anniversary?" "Well, first, he went to see a movie." "A movie?" "I wonder why he'd want to see a movie by himself?" "I don't know, but it wasn't the movie theatre at the mall." "No, it was that really old theatre downtown, The Studcat." "I didn't even know it was open." "Wait a minute." "What was the movie called?" "Fisting Firemen 9." "I never seen 1 through 8." "Oh, my God." "But it must a been a real short movie, though, because Dad came out, like, ten minutes later." "And it must a been a sad film, too, because he had a bunch of tissue paper with him when he came out." "Poor, old Dad." "Movie really got to him." "Butters, where did Daddy go after the movie?" " To the gym." " To the gym?" "Yeah, the White Swallow Spa." "Yep." "He went in there and wrestled with all kinds of guys." "He wasn't too good, though." "This one black guy had him pinned down for 15 minutes straight." "Butters, are you sure about this?" "You have to be absolutely sure!" "Inspector Butters gets all the facts." "I even got some neato pictures." "The only thing I can't figure out is why Dad told you he was going shopping for your present when he was going out seeing movies and wrestling." "Did you have a nice trip, Ma?" "See you next fall." "Mom?" "Butters" "That's me!" "Paint." "Must paint." "Everything clean." "Paint." "Wow, honey, you've painted the entire house." "Three times." "Must paint." "Everything clean." "Everything new." "Say, Butters, I'm having real trouble finding an anniversary present for Mom." "Any ideas?" "I can't think of one." "Well, then, it looks like I'm going to have to go out shopping again." "Paint." "Everything clean, everything new." "Paint." "I'll be back in a little while!" "Should I go try and see what he gets you again, Mom?" "I don't think Daddy's shopping." "I think Daddy's going out wrestling again." "Paint!" "Paint!" "Must be made clean." "New." "Hey, a new paintbrush." "That's what Dad could get Mom for their anniversary." "I've got to go tell him." "Must clean Butters." "Clean." "Never be clean." "Must kill?" "The only way?" "Must kill Butters." "Paint." "Butters" "That's me!" " One, please." " Locker 213." "Thanks." "Dad?" "Dad, you in here?" "Hello?" "Anybody in here?" " There, do you think that works?" " Well, that's four fingers." "It's your size." "Mr. Garrison?" "Who is that?" "Dad?" "Dad!" "Are you wrestling in here?" " Dad?" " This room's taken." "Pardon me, sirs." "Dad?" "No." " Butters!" " Hi, Dad." "Oh, God." "I'm glad I found you." "I think I know the perfect anniversary present for Mom." "What are you doing with your wiener out, there, Dad?" "Butters, you need to leave here right now." "You need to get out of here." "Go home and wait for me to talk to you." "All right, then." "Well, see you at home." "Oh, Jesus, no." "What have I done?" "Everyone knows it's Butters" "That's me!" "Butters!" "Oh, Butters!" "Could you come see me in my study real quick?" "Hey, Dad." "Come here, Son." "I want to have a talk with you." "Well, sure thing, Dad." "Son, I want to talk to you about lying." "I know lying is bad, Dad." "You told me so." "Yes, it sure can be." "But there are also times when distorting the truth a little is appropriate." " These are called "little white lies"." " Little white lies?" "See, sometimes telling a little white lie is okay." "Like, for instance, when you catch your father jacking off in a gay men's bath house." " Who's Jack?" " Butters, the point is that I think that if you told Mommy what Daddy was doing tonight, why, she might go completely insane." " No, that won't happen, Dad." " It won't?" "All right, good." "No, because I already told Mom and she's fine." "You what?" "Butters, Mommy wants to take you for a little drive now." "A drive?" "Oh, boy, I love a good drive." "Is Dad coming, too?" "No, sweetie." "Daddy needs to sit and think." "All right." "See you in a bit, Dad." "Oh, boy, a drive!" "Jeez, you wouldn't have believed how angry I was when teacher said I had to share my finger paints, because I'd been sharing them all along." "Butters, you know that Mommy loves you an awful lot, don't you?" "Well, sure I do, Mom." "I love you, too." "And sometimes mommies do things that seem hurtful to their babies, but it's really for the best." "You mean, like the time you washed my mouth out with soap for saying "nutsack" in front of Grandma." "Yeah, I need to behave myself." "If a mommy has to end her life, she can't let her baby alone in the world to be raised by a sick pervert." "Well, sure, that makes sense, I suppose." "Yeah." "Hey, did you see my mittens anywhere?" "It's cold out here." "I'm going to get out of the car now, Butters." "I want you to stay put with your seat belt fastened." "Well, all right, Mom." "Okay, then." "You know, I think the car might be moving, Mom." "Yeah, I'm pretty sure the car is moving." "Looks like I'm heading for the water." "It's okay, baby." "Mommy will be with you very soon." "Well, I think that..." "Yep, it looks like the car is filling up with water." "Yeah, I think maybe now might be a good time to come back inside the car and drive, Mom." "Everyone knows it's Butters" "That's me!" ""Dear bastard husband..."" "No. "Dear lying son of a bitch"!" "No. "Dear ass-face." Yeah, that's it." " "I will no longer..."" " Linda, what are you doing?" "Stay away from me, bastard!" " Linda, I know this is very hard." " You don't know anything!" "I've been wanting to stop going to those places, Linda," " but I couldn't." "I still love you." " Then why, Chris, why?" "It just..." "It started as some curiosity on the Internet." "I would chat with other married guys in the chat rooms, and..." "Well, the things they would talk about, Linda, I..." "I don't know why I found it exciting, I just did!" "And it grew from there and spun out of control, and..." "Damn you, Internet!" "Well, you don't have to worry about your family being in your way any more!" "No, Linda." "I don't want that lifestyle!" "It's just kind of an addiction." "I want help, and I'm going to get help." "Please, just give me a chance to make this all up to you." "We can have a normal life!" "There is no going back, Chris!" " Sure there is!" " No!" "Our son is dead!" "What?" "I killed him." "I was going to end it all, and everything spun out of control for me." "I drowned Butters in the car, Chris!" "Oh, no." "No." "No." "Jesus, Linda." "What were you thinking?" "I wasn't thinking!" "I couldn't think." "You destroyed my life, you..." "Oh, God, what have I done?" "Oh, Butters!" "This can't be happening." "This is a bad dream." "Just go away and let me die!" " No!" "Linda, we..." " I'm a murderer, Chris." "I don't have a life now." "Linda, Butters is gone." "Oh, Christ." "If Butters is gone..." "There's nothing we can do about that." "But I won't let you go to jail, I promise." "Linda, please." "Oh, boy, this thing ain't never going to stop." "I must be all the way down to Denver by now." "Finally!" "Now that the car has come to a stop, it's safe for me to unfasten my seat belt." "Boy, Mom must be worried sick about me right now." "I gotta get back home." "Gee whiz." "Where the heck am I?" "Everyone knows it's Butters" "That's me!" "Tom, I'm standing in front of the home of Chris and Linda Stotch." "They are living every parent's nightmare right now, as last night, while Mrs. Stotch was driving with her son in the car, a man stopped her, put a gun to her head and took her son away." "When asked who the man was," "Mrs. Stotch replied, "Some Puerto Rican guy."" "Naturally, the police are on an all-out manhunt for some Puerto Rican guy." "It looks like the parents are about to make a statement, Tom." "Mrs. Stotch!" "Mrs. Stotch!" "Any word yet from the man who took your son?" "No, no, not yet." "But if you're out there, we beg you." "We just want our baby returned safely back to us." "Mrs. Stotch, what did the kidnapper look like?" " Puerto Rican." " Was he tall?" "Short?" "He was average Puerto Rican height." "Please, just bring our baby back to me!" "Butters" "That's me!" "And so then my friend started hollering at me, saying, "You took my rubber bands!"" "Well, I didn't take them, Craig did." "I saw Craig take them." "Anyway, boy, I sure am lucky you came along, mister." "Yeah, too bad you're not a broad, 'cause I need some goddamn poontang." "Yeah, I can use some goddamn poontang myself, right now." "Have you ever been to Bennigan's, mister?" "It sure is great." "I'm going to Bennigan's tomorrow night with my family." "I can just see it now." "We'll walk in the front doors, and the nice Bennigan's hostess lady will take us to our cosy booth." "Then we'll order some mozzarella sticks for appetizers." "Dad will open his present and Mom will open hers." "And then the Bennigan's waitstaff will sing." "Happy, Happy Anniversary from everyone at Bennigan's" "Happy, Happy Anniversary from everyone at Bennigan's" "Happy, Happy Anniversary from everyone at Bennigan's" "Happy..." "Are we stopping for sodas?" "Hey, can I get a chocolate milk?" "He must like T.G.I. Friday's." "Let us handle it." "Barbrady?" "Hello?" "Hello, who is this?" "Who is this?" "Is this the Stotch residence?" "Yes." "Are you calling about the abduction?" "No." "Are you Puerto Rican?" "No." "We need to keep this line clear." "Call back another day." "It wasn't the abductor." "Sorry." "Chief, two more parents from the next town over have shown up saying their child might have been killed by the same guy that took the Stotch boy." "Really?" "This is John and Patsy Ramsey from Boulder." "We saw your story on the news." "We're so sorry to hear about your loss." "Our daughter was killed a few years ago in our house." "Yes, I remember hearing something about that." "And we realized the man that murdered your son must be the same person that killed our daughter!" " Yeah, because we certainly didn't do it." " No!" " No!" " No." "Well, our son was abducted." "We don't know that he's dead yet." " Right." " Right." "Butters" "That's me!" " Sir?" "Hello?" " Yeah?" "What can I do for you?" "I have to get to South Park." "If you give me a ride," "I could pay you the $4 I made at the titty bar." "Sorry, wife took the car to Estes Park for the weekend." "Won't be back until Sunday." "I can give you a ride Sunday, if you like." "I can't wait till Sunday." "I'm eating with my family at Bennigan's tomorrow." "Well, then, looks like you're walking." "Will I eventually get to South Park if I follow this road?" "That road leads to Conifer." "You want to go to South Park, you gotta go down that road." "Course, I ain't never seen anyone go up that road." "Six years ago a group of campers went out there and got lost." "Had to eat each other to stay alive." "Used to be the way to the O'Reilly house." "He butchered over 50 children and kept their bodies in his cellar." "But you should find an old bridge about halfway up." "That bridge is cursed, you know." "They built it with the bones of 200 Chinese laborers who were massacred in '34." "Yeah, a lot of history on that road." "Well, it's my parents' anniversary tomorrow, and they're going to be awful sad if I'm not there with them." "Well, good luck, then." "Oh, jeez." "Or is South Park down that road?" "It's so very hard to lose a loved one, isn't it?" "Yes." "It sure is." "Thank goodness we have each other to share our grief." "Thank goodness." " Here he is." " John, Patsy." "Hello, Gary." "Great to see you." "Chris and Linda, this is our good friend, Congressmen Gary Condit." "He also lost someone close to him and thinks it has something to do with the same Puerto Rican guy that hurt our kids." "We're going to get that son of a bitch!" "Yes, I sure hope we do." "I spoke with the FBI and some Puerto Rican guy has just made their number-one most wanted." "Oh, good." "Maybe now they'll catch him." "Here's another member of our support group." "O.J.!" " Hey, guys!" " Chris, Linda, you know O.J. Simpson." "Sure." "O.J.'s wife was killed by some Puerto Rican guy, too." "Yup, it was some Puerto Rican guy, all right." "So you see, Chris and Linda, there are people like you all over the country who've been affected by some Puerto Rican guy." "Let's make Chris and Linda an official part of the group." " Yeah!" " All right!" "One of us!" "One of us!" "Gooble, gobble!" " Gooble, gobble!" "One of us!" "One of us!" " Gooble, gobble!" "One of us!" "One of us!" " Gooble, gobble!" "One of us!" "One of us!" " Gooble, gobble!" "One of us!" "One of us!" "For family fun and great food, too Come on down to Bennigan's" "Buffalo wings and fried cheese sticks" "The best are found at Bennigan's" "Hello?" "So come and eat at Bennigan's" "You'll love all our shenanigans" "Oh, nutsack!" "Everyone knows it's Butters" "That's me!" "No, Linda, because you can't now say that the abductor was Costa Rican." "You have to learn to keep it straight!" "I can't keep it straight when you keep inventing new parts to the story!" "Hey, don't forget that I'm covering for you!" "Don't forget your lies started all this!" "My lies may have been deceitful, but your lies cover up something much more horrible than anything I ever did." " Happy anniversary." " Not now, Butters." " All right, then..." " Butters?" " Oh, Butters!" " Son, I don't believe it!" "I'm sorry." "The car just rolled into the lake and then floated all the way down the river." " I tried calling home, but it didn't work." " My baby is back!" " I ain't grounded, am I?" " No!" "No, Butters." "Oh, Son, we're..." "We're going to need you to tell a little white lie about where you've been, though, all right?" "Lie?" "Yes, darling, you're going to have to say you don't know how you got home." "No, you have to say that a Puerto Rican man dropped you off." "Who's going to believe he would just drop him off?" " Hey, you should stop hollering." " We don't really have a choice, do we?" "It's your anniversary." "You're the one who made up the stuff about the Puerto Rican, idiot!" "Stop it, Mom and Dad." "Well, you're the one that couldn't back it up with a description, stupid!" "Now, gosh darn it, you..." "You listen here!" "Now, I am sick of these "harmless lies" and "little white lies"." "You know, you can call a shovel an ice cream machine, but it's still a shovel, Mom and Dad, and you can call a lie whatever you want, but it's still a no-good, stinking lie." "And when you start covering up one lie with another lie, why, that's when you get into real trouble!" "Boy, I've just about had it up to here with you two." " Butters, you're as right as rain." " You sure are." "Well, I ain't in trouble for hollering at you, am I?" "No, Butters, you're the best son in the whole world." "And I am so happy you're alive." "Well, I'm happy you're alive, too, Mom." "So, now can we go to Bennigan's?" "You bet, Son." "But Mommy and Daddy have something they have to do first." "We have an announcement to make." "Our son has been returned to us." "All right!" "Butters was missing?" "But that isn't all we have to say." "You see, we learned a very important lesson tonight, and it took the smarts of our young son to show us." " Yeah!" " We've learned that deception is wrong, and that the only thing to ever make it right again is to come clean." "Yeah!" "You see, I've been deceiving my wife for several months." "I was going to gay movie and bath houses and having sex with random men who were complete strangers." "Yeah..." "Wait, what?" "And when I found out, I went crazy." "I went crazy and I drove my son into the lake to kill him." "Kill me?" "Jesus Christ!" "Damn, dude." "So you see, there was no "some Puerto Rican guy"." "He doesn't exist." "And so the people we owe the biggest apology to are the Ramseys, Congressmen Condit and O.J." "We gave you false hope for finding the person who hurt those close to you, and we're sorry." "Now we're just happy we won't have to live a life of secrets." "For I knew that even though some of you supported us, some others were looking at me and thinking," ""You're a liar!" "You're a liar!" ""You know something that you're not telling us, you slimy scumbag liar!"" "You know, that's what people would say to me." "And then people would see my wife in the supermarket and they would say, "Hello,"" "but they'd be thinking, "There goes that" ""murderer!" "You got away with murder, you murdering, lying waste of life!"" "And to me, people might say things like, "Liar!" ""Tell us what you know, you goddamn liar!"" "And so, to both of us, people all over town would be saying things like," ""You know goddamn well what happened to your kid," ""so stop acting like victims and confess, you murdering murderers!" ""Confess!" "Liar!" "Confess!"" "You know, and that's what people would be saying to us." "And so we just had to come forward and tell the truth." "We're sorry we lied to you all." "It won't happen again." "And now, if you'll excuse us, this family has to get to Bennigan's." "Yeah, all right!" "Wow, dude, your dad's a perv and your mom tried to kill you." "Yeah." "Boy, you fellas sure are going to rip on me in school now." "We sure are." "I really wish I didn't know that stuff." "I guess I learned that sometimes lying can be for the best." "Yep." "Oh, well, when I have a Chipotle Blue Cheese Bacon Burger at Bennigan's," "I'll forget all about my dad being queer and my mom trying to kill me." " I'm going to be okay!" " Really?" " No, I'm lying." " Let's go, Son." "Coming, Dad!" "Everyone knows it's Butters" "That's me!"