"Many, so many have grown weary" "Heaven can not be right here and right now" "My response:" "I disagree at once" "EAST HELSINKI NU0RISOSÄÄTIÖ RENTAL APARTMENTS" "We were at the fucking shop and he tells me I pushed him in the ditch." "When we got to my place, he started strangling me " "I got mad and threw him out." "He's smaller than you, you can't let him bully you." "I was strangled once and I was this close to dying." "If someone fucking strangles me, it's fucking... seriously..." "Who am I imitating?" "This fucking sucks." "I have no money." "You're the one doing life." "Fucking 3420 days left." "Hilton feels like a penitentiary." "Yeah, like living in an open prison." " Every door armed with locks." "Only losers, Thais and niggers live in these buildings." "This is a complete looney bin." "Can you answer a question?" "I have lived in Hilton for eight years." "This place eats your fucking soul." "Fuck that!" "For real, fuck that!" "If this guy would have been there when I got bullied " "I promise that this fucking guy would have been there for me." "Fucking shit!" "Fuck!" "It's been a while since we went out." " Yeah" "No, seriously." "We could go out to a movie, or to a restaurant or something." "Not just be at your place all the time." "It would be nice to do something different for change." "It's cosy here, it's my own little doghouse." "It feels like we never do anything different, that everything's the same." "A little variation." "When you get money in December, you can take me out to eat." "I get to choose the place, and you'll pay." "You'll reimburse the booze." "Do we have a deal?" "Yeah..." " Good." "I have to start studying for the law school entrance exams again." "I haven't decided if I'll apply to Helsinki or Turku." "If you're leaving for Turku, I won't come after you." "Are you serious?" " I mean what the fuck..." "I don't know." "We'll have to see about it." "You know, your opinion matters too." "I didn't go out at all today." "My alarm woke me up at ten, but the weather was all fucked up." "I said to myself: "Fuck no, I'm not going out in the storm"." "During autumns I'm always totally exhausted." "Somehow this darkness just fucks me up." "Everything I see is gray and I don't want to be part of it." "The relationship with my parents got so bad that I had to move out." "After that I've basically been drifting." "From one place to another, from one group of people to another." "One cut meant 5 to 20 seconds of breathing room - inside my head." "Sometimes I rubbed lemon water to the wounds, ." "just to unwind for a moment." "Who here has money?" " Fucking no one has money." "Janne, that's enough!" " I was just thinking of putting these in the fridge." "This is not the fucking Hilton!" "This is my apartment, not a hotel." "I've told you not to leave things lying on the floor." "Garbage goes in the bin." " OK, OK." "When do we get that clear?" " Hilton habits, I guess." "That doesn't help, you know." " Doesn't look too healthy either." "The last time I had a job was..." "Well, about 6 - 7 years ago." "When that last job ended I wanted to continue working." "But after a while I started enjoying not having to go to work." "My daughter was born seven years ago." "Soon after, we separated with her mom." "I didn't see my daughter Pinja for a while." "I couldn't get a hold of her." "I miss her all the time." "Make's home is a safe haven for me and a couple of other friends." "If you need something to eat, he always has something in the fridge, " "If we get hungry." "The fucking cancer has spread again." "They're giving me chemotherapy and shots to stall it down." "I think they will end up operating as well." "My primary concern is my mother and my family." "The hassle they have to go through with the funeral and everything." "Death is not the problem." "First time in my life I understand love ballads." "Clichés that almost make you vomit." "Sometimes it makes me laugh - to find myself feeling those same feelings." "I now know what people talk about when they talk about love." "Being ready to take a bullet for a loved one." "I don't think there's anything I wouldn't do for the one I love." "It's the strongest feeling I've ever felt." "It's so wonderful, so beautiful." "Hello." " Hello." "I'm here to clean." "Did you vacuum under the bed?" " Yeah." "You're doing good in school, right?" " Yeah, good." "I ended up in a children's home, - because my mum was drinking." "I remember how nice it was to be back home for weekends." "I was in the children's home for a few years before moving to a family home." "It was a shit hole." "From the family home I moved on my own." "I was drinking and messing around with my friends." "My social allowance ended when I turned 21." "I was given a two week notice and told I was moving here, - to the Nuorisosäätiö Youth Apartments." "I was like, hell no, I can't move here." "A little compensation for Toni's trouble. - yeah, thanks." "I hate social security papers, I never know what to fill in." "This one time me and my friends got wasted." "We decided to take a quick loan and go out for some drinks." "It ended up costing me my credit sheet." "It vexes me when people tell me:" "You're dropping out of the society." "Blood on the ground." "I apologize to everyone." "If I die now, I apologize to each and all." "I didn't mean to hurt anyone." "People take advantage of each other." "Sure, I've been exploited." "But never financially, I've never given my money." "You can see all five fingers here." "And she's a girl, that's clear, you can see the genitalia here." "Just like I wished for!" "If I would meet him on the street, I would probably run like hell." "Or if I would feel threatened by him, " "I guess would stop him by any means necessary." "He has no right to come near me." "As long as he hasn't learnt to control himself." "What kind of an example would that set to the child?" "A grown-up flipping out all of a sudden and jumping on another person." "I would rather teach my child to talk things over or walk away." "He wouldn't let me see the doctor and just said that the wounds will heal." "This means I have no proof of the abuse." "I'd like to get him to a private location." "I'd have a chair waiting for him in the middle of an empty room." "Someone would sit him down and gag him." "Just so I could tell him what I think of him." "He couldn't stand my views on life, himself or on anything else." "Instead of listening, he would just yell and flip out, - whenever I raised something unpleasant - we would have needed to discuss." "I'd sit him down and make him listen, for once - and not fucking yell back every god damn second." "That would be beautiful." "I think about Pinja every day." "Sometimes even dream about being with her, - playing outside, or that she's here with me." "And then I wake up in the morning and realize that, - hell, it was just a dream." "It always feels really depressing, the dreams are so real." "That has to be the hand." "In one picture she has her finger up her nose." "That's her hand." " Yes." "We were one of Helsinki's poorest families." "I was already in kindergarten, or whatever it was called, " "One day a woman comes up to me." "A woman I don't even know." "She says she's taking me to visit some place." "That visit lasted eighteen years." "I was told nothing, no one explained what happened." "Well, here we are in the end." "I remember I was just a kid, playing with a beach ball with my sister." "My biological dad comes in, drunk out of his mind." ""Rah rah rah, where the fuck is my booze!"" "This was continuous, just like the beatings." "It all ended one night, when we were just about to turn seven." "I had always been sleeping with a puukko hunting knife." "I can tell you the fucking truth right now." "I've always told them I don't remember anything." "That I don't remember anything of the time before I turned six..." "A child fucking remembers." "So that was it then." "The police and the child welfare officials came in." "Finally my mom's sister got us the fuck out of there." "That was one happy fucking moment." "Don't feel like doing anything." "I've tried going to school, gotten all sorts of alternatives." "But nothing ever comes out of it." "I just want to be at home and do nothing." "I'm so fucking interesting, that I watch the news, get it?" "Good morning..." " We'll good morning to you too!" "That's a pretty beautiful woman." "Give me a kiss." "Give me a kiss!" "Oh yes, give me some pussy!" "Wow, the sports news, I have to film this..." "Full of important stuff!" "Good morning, good morning!" "Toni, can you pass me my facial tonic from my purse?" " yeah." "Thanks." "So, do you have money?" " Yes, I have money." "Are you sure?" " Yeah." "Enough to go out to eat?" " Yes, enough." "How about money for my gift?" " Yes, I have it." "OK." "How about the glow mini golf?" "Do you have enough money?" "Maybe." "Do you want to go?" " How much is it again?" "It's not expensive." "We should also fill out the apartment applications. - yeah." "What do you think?" " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Otherwise we don't ever see each other." "I can't do that..." "I don't have to see everyday." " Neither do I." "I told you that I'd fucking close my phone and close the curtains, - and just be here alone." " Yes, I know." "This way we would at least see each other once a week." "I have three entrance exams and I have to schedule my studies." "Plus I have work and other things to do as well." "And, I have to find time to see you." " You don't have to care about me." "I do!" "Don't you think we're in that point, five years together." "Don't you think it's time to move ahead in our relationship?" "Or, what do you think?" " Yeah." "You know." "Is it Pinja?" "Would you like to come visit, again?" "We had a fun weekend last time." "I'll buy the phone for you when I get the social office money." "The one with the touch screen." "I'll buy it for you when you come over to stay with daddy again." "I don't have the funds right now, but in the end of the month." "When you come to visit, daddy will buy it for you." "OK, bye then..." "My mother liked to drink alcohol." "I started home as well." "I didn't have to go out and drink in secret." "A proper slap shot is what we need." "That's more like it!" "No?" " Tastes like fucking shit." "I am what I am, and she cares for me the way I am." "I won't please anyone." "I am the way I am, and if you don't like it, fine." "My dad died when I was twelve." "I still dream of him, doing something fun with him." "It's nice to wake up from a dream like that." "I've fucking noticed how fucking crooked this shit is." "Some workplaces make me feel sick." "People have no respect, no honor." "Fuck, I'd like to shoot all these fuckers." "The way they scheme, too." "I'd rather be punched in the face, straight up." "What's your dinero situation?" "I'm kind of low on the dough, you know." "Would've needed some dead presidents." "Are you home tomorrow?" "No, nothing like that, just slight problems with my rent." "This fucking Hilton is starting to look like a fucking Mogadishu Avenue." "Shit loads of immigrants flooding in." "Let them live wherever they wish, I'm not against them." "I'm international, not a racist." "But I can't stand someone with a thick accent - claiming they're more Finnish than me." "What do you do?" " No, nothing, I don't have job." "What is your opinion towards us foreigners here in Finland?" "Do you like them or do you hate them?" "Do you like foreigners here?" " Yeah, why not." "Some people don't like, you know." " Yeah, I know, I know." "It's theirs problem." "Are you working somewhere?" " No works." "I think you are Finnish and you have Finnish skills and everything." "Why are you unemployed?" "It's normal that we don't have jobs because we're over here foreigners." "It's wrong." " Wrong?" "But we don't speak Finnish, that's the most important thing." "It's better to do something rather than do nothing, you know." "Do something." "Like life is a cigarette." "It starts with flashes and ends with ashes." "Phew, finally, bored the fuck out of me." "520 euro is pretty skim for two people. - yes, yes it is." "The child's norm is added on top of your norm." "OK, so health issues, " "Diabetes, incipient lung constriction, homelessness, - pregnancy, of course, - and the required mental health services." "How have you been feeling?" "You appear happier than last time." "Out of the discretionary services I assigned these last time." "Bus card, swim card, pregnancy yoga..." "You won't go homeless, - we will find some kind of emergency housing for you." "It would be good if it would be in East Helsinki." "My parents and my support person live there." "Close to the metro?" "In East Helsinki, as close to the metro as possible." "If you drop out after high school you have to report to, " "The so-called searching youth work." "It was a Friday when my mom called me and said:" ""Oh, you're not in the school and you've been kicked out."" ""And you didn't tell me."" "I said, I didn't have the nerve to tell her." "Then she told me how disappointed she was in me." "My grandmother called me and gave me a lecture." "I was like fuck!" "Feels frustrating having to start everything from scratch." "I wouldn't graduate until I was 24." "What did you like best working at the construction company?" "I don't know, maybe being with the more experienced." "They teach a lot, don't they?" "Yeah, I think I've been stuck with my life for a while." "That's why I've kept pushing and calling you." "Because if you're home for too long, - you don't know how to go out anymore." "It feels horrible to think of myself as marginalized." "Though it might be true, I don't do anything." "But it just feels so fucking grim." "The thought of being excluded." "It's daddy." "Should we go to the children's play park one of these days?" "I miss you." "Come and visit, or call me." "Life is so lonely without you." "Will you get some next week?" " Money, you mean?" "Yes, before my birthday?" " If not, I'll be fucking seriously screwed." "Come on, I'm turning 20." " Fuck yeah, that's wonderful." "It's an important age, really." "We don't have to go to under-18 bars anymore." "Fuck that, we don't go to bars that much." "Well I do!" "I'll go without you then." "You probably know what you're getting me?" " I probably do." "Something nice, you can treat the whole night for me?" "14,95." "The same bill here for 37 euro." "This one you haven't even opened." "89 euro. "you're still overdue with a payment of 89,50€."" "I would've had money to pay for this." "If they ask you to contact them, why don't you call them." "Should I pay this?" " You can't pay it anymore." "I've never left a bill unpaid." " Fuck yeah." "I always pay my bills." "This is what I'll do to this, fuck it." "There goes my bills, couldn't fucking care less." "Hey, calling to see what your finances look like." "I'd need a hundred for my due rents, you wouldn't happen to have any." "Any chance?" " Shiiit!" "Hey man!" " Hello?" "Calling to see what your financial status looks like?" "Skim, I only got about 20 - 30 euro on my account." "I'm not swimming in money either." "Get a job, boy." "What up Marlo?" "Thought to call you about the 100 euro you owe me." "I've been buying you drinks for ages, - and as it happens I don't owe you shit, so fuck you!" "What the fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fucking pricks!" "Fucking rats!" "Fucking pieces of shit!" "I just made you two sandwiches." " Get to bed!" "You're fucking messed up." "Look, it's late as fuck." "Oh fuck!" "you'll regret this tomorrow." "You have been dreaming." " Not listening to you." "Hello." " Hi." "I brought you flowers, and a vase too." "You probably don't have one, do you?" " No, I don't." "They are tulips, you can keep the vase." " Thanks, this is great." "You only need to add water." "This is for you and Sara, you can eat these together in the evening." "How are you doing in school?" " As usual." "Have you been going every day?" " Yes." "You might want to learn a bit of tidiness." " Sure." "You know I think about you." "I wish only good things for you." " I'm fine, doing good." "That's why I keep calling you. - yeah." "I'm trying to teach you." "Have you been listening?" " yeah." "I can't sleep worrying about you, it is not right." "A person of my age has to worry about you young ones." "You have to learn to live so that grandma doesn't have to worry!" "You don't have to worry about us." "I don't?" " No." "Hope you have learnt something." "As a little boy you always slept in my bed." "We went to sauna together." " Yeah." "When I moved into the new house, I thought you would take care of me " "And do all the chores, but I haven't seen you around." "Once I had a whole heap of wood for you to chop, but - ended up chopping them myself when you didn't show up." "I chopped some." "A few logs yes, but you were too busy running to Sara." "Seriously, I was disappointed that you didn't show up to help me." "When I was 18, I was an idiot with no direction in life." "I let all my friends drink and didn't control my life." "I skipped school, got wasted and messed around." "I kept calling Sara to see how you were doing." "I know it was hard, it wasn't easy for me either." "The cancer hasn't spread or grown." "But we are out of options if the treatment doesn't work." "Should we go out for a fag then?" "Stabile situation in both lungs and the tumor hasn't grown." "This calls for at least one cigarette, immediately." "I wouldn't wish anything bad for these youngsters." "I feel like a father. figure to these kids." "I have enough to take care of, even without any my own." "I will now declare Christmas peace..." "Merry Christmas everyone!" "Many, so many have grown weary" "Heaven can not be right here and right now" "My response:" "I disagree at once" "Heaven is so silent you wouldn't hear it anyhow" "To think that God speaks through them" "To think that God speaks through you" "To think that God speaks through my mouth" "We had to skip nap time." " We brought you a little present." "Lovely." "Where's that little hand?" "Look at your new pants." "Have you decided the name yet?" " Yes..." "It is decided." "Born on Friday the 13th, her name is Luna." "She almost smiled." "This is huge for her." " Where did Luna go?" "Lean forward!" "I told you to pay your fucking rent, several fucking times." "This was two years ago." "Did you learn?" "How many times have I rescued you?" "Twice I filled out your forms and sorted your due rents." "And when you finally get money, I don't see you at all." "I come home in a wheelchair and find my fridge empty." "That's not right, for fucks sake!" "I've told you rules in my home." "No messing around." "No knives." "No fighting." "When you come here, you come in peace." "I'm approaching thirty." "I starting to get a feeling that I'm a pathetic fucking wimp." "That I'm not man enough to quit this shit." "Not man enough get a job and do something with my life." "Fuck!" "As soon as you're old enough to comprehend, they jam you in school." "You hassle your way through school just to end up in a job." "Then you work your whole life in a shitty job - until you're a frail old fuck, - a proper senile old-timer walking about with a stick." "Then they let you free." "You know, you're useless, you can't even get a hard-on." "You're so frail that you won't survive a 10-hour flight to Thailand." "What the fuck do you do?" "Shoot yourself?" "In the meantime you're forced to the social office." "Where a social worker lady says:" ""you're supposed to do this and this." "It is your national duty."" "When I was young, no one told me about this shit." "If I ever get kids, I will teach them the consequences of one's choices." "How your choices affect your life." "I will give you the notes, the paperwork - and an excerpt of the childcare legislation." "Thank you." "My past problems with intoxicants and my mental health - is the reason for your visit?" "Yes, according to this." "That's the reason for your visit?" "The reason for our visit is to investigate your need for childcare." "These papers talk about past problems." "Doesn't it mean the situation has changed?" "We have no reason to doubt our current knowledge, - that you do not have an acute problem with intoxicating substances." "So, you have doubts over my child's wellbeing?" "We don't have doubts, but it is our legal responsibility to be assured." "It's that sound again." "Look, the plate goes round and round." "I wanna walk through this big puddle." "Don't you get warm?" "Too slow, too slow, too slow..." "What's this?" "Why do you have so much tobacco?" "What's this?" " I don't know." "Say!" " I don't know." "By the looks, it has some veggies." " It's puke, isn't it?" "It might be puke." " Who's?" "Is it yours?" " No, I think it's my friend Kimmo's." "Why is it there?" " He didn't make it to the bathroom." "Why did he have to go to the bathroom?" " He wasn't feeling too well." "Was he sick?" "No cheating, tell me!" "It was due to adult's drinks that one shouldn't drink." "Why?" "Can you cook some macaroni for me?" " Yes." "That's the sum, 750 euro..." "This is what I'll do with it." "Me too." " You want to rip it too?" "Let's send it back where it came from. - yeah." "Do you want to make a snowstorm?" "There go the bills!"