"ANNOUNCER:" "With the stars... and..." "Hi, Alice." "Hurry up with my eats." "I'm going bowling." "(sighs)" "(Ralph groans)" "Did I or did I not this morning tell you to wash and iron my bowling shirt?" "Oh, I'm sorry, Ralph." "I was so busy today," "I just didn't get around to the laundry." "You just didn't get around to it?" "That's right." "I just didn't get around to it." "Why don't you wear one of your regular white shirts?" "What's the difference anyway?" "What's the difference?" "I'll show you what the difference is, Alice." "Do you see that?" "Do you see those big letters?" "They're put on there purposely." "They say "Hurricane"!" "Hurricane!" "Do you know why they're on there?" "That's when I'm bowling and I'm on the alley, people who are watching the game know which team I am a member of." "I'm a member of the Hurricanes, Alice!" "How are they gonna know I'm a Hurricane?" "Just open your mouth." "(mutters)" "Just be a little careful, Alice, a little careful." "Remember, the life you save may be your own." "I suppose you didn't have time to sew these either, huh?" "Your socks." "I'm sorry, Ralph." "No, I didn't." "No excuse or anything?" "Have you got any excuse why you didn't sew the socks?" "I know why you haven't got any excuse, Alice." "You're afraid to give me an excuse!" "'Cause you know that I know that you know that I know what you've been doing around here all day!" "Sitting there, fooling around!" "You know something?" "Right after you left the house this morning," "I got in one of those silly moods of mine." "You know how I get sometimes?" "So just for laughs" "I thought, "Well, I'll do the breakfast dishes and make the beds and take the garbage down."" "Then when I came back up, I was still in such a funny mood, you know, I thought, "Why should I settle down to the drudgery of mending your socks?"" "So I scrubbed the kitchen floor." "Then, you know somethin'?" "I was still so giddy and so gay over this whole thing that I thought I'd really enjoy myself, so I washed all the windows." "Then, Ralph, I went out and I did the marketing." "And I came back with a pot roast, and I put the pot roast on the stove, and while it was cooking," "I went in and I cleaned out the bedroom closet." "Now, I know that this may sound like work to you, Ralph, but it isn't." "It's fun." "Oh, it is such good sport." "Do you know why it's such good sport, Ralph?" "Because I'm so loaded with modern conveniences." "Just loaded: steam irons and vacuum cleaners and dishwashers and washing machines and... to say nothing of this lovely, new, modern refrigerator over here." "Oh, that reminds me." "It's time to defrost it." "That will give you a rough idea, Ralph, of what a joy it is working around this apartment all day." "You know why?" "'Cause it's so up-to-date." "I am the only girl in town with an atomic kitchen." "This place looks like Yucca Flats after the blast." "Oh, you're a riot, Alice." "A regular riot." "You got it tough, all right." "You got it tough." "You got it too soft, that's the matter with you!" "But it's not gonna be that way anymore because I'm putting in a new system." "And now I'm gonna tell you how the system's gonna work." "If I come in here in the morning and I tell you to do something, and when I come back at night, if that thing isn't done, you get one demerit." "And you'll get one demerit every time you don't do something that I tell ya." "And do you know what happens to you when you get ten demerits?" "Don't you try to bully me, Sergeant Kramden." "(groans)" "I have got plenty to do around this house all day, and you know it." "You come home here after working an eight-hour shift and you're absolutely exhausted." "Do you know how many hours I work a day, Ralph?" "24 hours a day, seven days a week, and I haven't had a day off in 14 years." "(mockingly sighs)" "Holidays are a double shift." "Now let me tell you something." "There's an old, old saying, Ralph." ""Man works from sun to sun, but woman's work is never done."" "Good gosh." "I'll tell you why woman's work is never done, Ralph." "Because she's got the toughest boss in this whole world:" "a husband." "Boy, you men kill me." "You're all alike." "You push us around, you want us to bow and scrape at your feet." "All you do is yell and scream and give orders." "You men just think that you own this world." "Yeah, but you women get revenge." "You marry us." "All right, Ralph, I'm telling you something." "I am sick and tired of taking care of this place, and I'm not doing it anymore." "What do you mean, you're not doing it anymore?" "Just what I said." "We are getting a maid." "You are stark staring nuts." "What do you mean we're getting a maid?" "I can't even afford you!" "Don't you worry, Ralph." "You won't have to pay her." "I'll pay her." "I'm gonna get myself a job, and for once in my life, I'm gonna take it easy." "I'm gonna get one of those sun-to-sun jobs, Ralph." "And I'm gonna come home at night, and the maid will set dinner on the table and then she'll do the dishes, and it'll be just like having a vacation." "Oh, it'll be a vacation, huh?" "Working for some boss will be a vacation, huh?" "Well, I'm calling your bluff." "Go ahead and get a job!" "I'll be happy to have a maid around here." "Then maybe I'll get something done!" "Ha-ha." "You think a maid is gonna jump at your slightest whim?" "She certainly will." "I happen to be the master of this household." "Har-har-hardy-har-har." "You just decided for me, Alice." "You just decided for me!" "I'm going on The $64,000 Question." "And do you know why?" "'Cause I'm an expert in one of the categories!" "Aggravation!" "(groans)" "Now remember." "Don't act like we never hired a maid before." "They'll take advantage of us." "Act important." "They'll think we're big shots." "I just hope it doesn't take too long, Ralph." "This is my lunch hour." "I gotta get back to work." "Never mind your lunch." "Just act important." "(clears throat)" "Uh, my name is Mr. Wilson." "Now, what can I do for you?" "Uh, how are you?" "Uh, this is my wife, Mrs. Kramden." " And, uh, I'm her husband, Mr. Kramden." "Mm-hmm." "Well, I'm certainly glad you came." "I, uh..." "I have an opening for a couple just like you" "on an estate out in Long Island. -(coughing)" "You are making a slight mistake." " Yeah, we're big shots." "Uh..." "We haven't come here to get work." "We want to hire some domestic help, like you got in the window there." "Oh, I'm terribly sorry." "I should have known." " I'm sure I can help you, Mr. Kramden," "Yeah." "If you'll just answer a few questions." "Now let me see." "Your first name?" " Ralph." "Mm-hmm." "Ralph." "And, uh, address?" "(chuckles) 728 Chauncey Street." "(coughing)" "(hacking cough continues)" "Pays to buy the best." "Ah." "(clears throat)" "You may wonder why I'm chuckling when you asked me my address." "Now, we must've hired a thousand maids, and they always ask the same question." ""What's your address?" (exaggerated laugh)" "Now, Mr. Kramden, where, urn..." "where do you work?" "Hmm?" "Oh, uh, I am associated with the Gotham Transit Line." "I see." "Now, Mrs. Kramden, I assume you'll be home to supervise the maid's work." " Oh, well, no." "You see, I have a job." "Oh." "B-b..." "She doesn't need the job." "(chuckles)" "You know, career..." "She's a career girl." "Oh, I see." "Certainly." "Um, tell me, Mrs. Kramden, where do you work?" "At Krause Meyer's bakery." "My career is stuffing jelly into doughnuts." " Also has a great sense of humor." "I..." "(muttering)" "I see." "As a matter of fact, Mr. Kramden," "I was just talking to someone on the inside" "who I think would be perfect for what you want." "Oh." "Uh, Miss Reynolds, would you send in Thelma, please?" " Thelma." "Mr." "Kramden, you'll be very lucky to get Thelma." "She's an extremely good worker." "You know, it's a funny thing about the maid situation, but the demand is so tremendous today, there just aren't enough maids to go around." "I guess the maids are aware of this, and, uh, they've all become very independent." "Independent?" "(chuckles)" "Oh, hello, Thelma." "This is a maid?" "I thought maids had short skirts with white hats and black silk stockings." "Ralph." "The chubby one's gonna be trouble." "Thelma, don't be too hasty." "I'm sure they're an awfully nice couple." "Uh, Thelma, what my husband meant was, we just wanted to explain your duties to you." "Oh, yeah." "What do I gotta do, yeah." "And I might as well tell you right now," "I can't do no heavy work." "I'm sickly." "Sickly?" "Well, first of all, you'll have to go to the market." "Then you'll have to cook, scrub the floors..." "I don't scrub no floors." "You're so right, Thelma." "My husband will be glad to scrub the floors." "Now wait a minute!" "You'll scrub the floors." "That's a man's work." "Just a minute." "Who's doin' the hiring' here?" "All right, Alice, it's all off!" "Oh, no, Ralph, I'm not giving up my career." "So it's either Thelma or you." "And I might as well tell ya somethin' else right now." "I get Thursdays and Sundays off, see?" "My work is through the minute the supper dishes are done." "I don't work in no house where they got no pets, so you might as well get rid of one if you got one." "If you're gonna have a party, I get time and half over and the next day off." "And, uh, if you're, uh... if you're plannin' on, uh, havin' any late snacks," "I don't do no cleaning' up the next mornin'." "And this boy looks like he has plenty of late snacks." "Thelma, you're perfect." "Then, uh..." "then it's-it's settled?" "Uh-huh." "All right then." "Here we go." "You just take this suitcase, and off we go." "You don't mean to say that you think I'm gonna carry your bag, do you?" "Would you like me to quit now?" "You'd better carry it, Ralph." "All right, gimme it." "(yells)" "(chuckling)" "She's sickly, huh?" "Well, here we are." "If these are the servants' quarters, I quit." "This is where we live." "You'll stay at your house and commute." "Now, come on." "This is the bedroom." "You can put your uniform on in here." "I'll show you where everything is." "Hey, Ralph." "Oh, Ralph." " Hey, Ralphie boy." "Oh, hiya, Norton." " I got that thing for ya." "Oh, did ya?" "Hey, uh, when's the new maid comin'?" "Oh, she's here already." " Yeah?" "Yeah." " Hey." "Hey, is she anything like that maid" "Yeah?" " We saw in the burlesque show?" "Wa-wa-wa-whoo." "Huh?" "You know that maid we saw in the burlesque show?" "Is she like that?" "(chuckles)" " What maid?" "You remember." "The one that helped Lili-Lili St. Cyr into the bathtub full of wine." "(chuckles)" " Oh, no, she's not like that maid." "Oh." "She looks more like the one that installed the bathtub." "But looks don't count, Norton." "It's if she's a worker, and she looks like a worker." " Yeah." "And I want to tell you something, Norton." "Having a maid around lends real class to a home." "For instance, go out in the hall again, knock on the door and I'll have her let you in." "Then you'll see how a well-operated, fully-staffed home runs." " I'll play it with you." " All right, pal." " Go ahead." "(knocking at door)" "(knocking)" "Louder." "(knocks louder)" "Thelma, there's somebody at the door!" "(knocks again)" "Thelma, there's somebody at the door!" "Maybe she went down to your stables to talk to the groom." "Get out of here!" " Knock on the door." "(knocks)" "Thelma!" " Yeah?" "There's somebody knocking at the door." "Well, answer it!" "I thought if it's for you, go ahead and answer it." "Nobody knows I'm here yet." "Wait a minute!" "That's part of your duties, to answer the door." "Now go ahead and answer it." "What do you want?" "I got to admit it, Ralph." "She got plenty of class." "Wait a minute." "You're not supposed to answer the door like that." "If someone knocks on the door, you usher them in, then you say, "How do you do?" "This is Mr. Kramden's residence."" "Okay." "What do I say if somebody calls for you on the phone?" "On the phone?" "Well, uh..." "Oh, uh, well, if they call on the phone, you say, "Hello, this is Mr. Norton's residence."" "He uses the phone up in my apartment." "Okay." "And that's another thing." "Don't say, "Okay."" "From now on, say, "Very good, sir."" "Okay." "Well, what do you think of the maid, Norton?" "Well, without a doubt, Ralph, you have achieved the heights of gracious living." "Yeah." "You are one of the 400." "(chuckles)" "In fact, you could be all of the 400." "Boy, Ralph, I'm telling you, must be a cinch now, huh?" "All you gotta do is yell, "Hey, Thelma!"" "and she does anything you want." "I don't have to yell at all." "All I have to do is ring the bell" "and she comes running." "Oh?" "What do you say we give it a little test run?" " Get her out here." "All right." "Well, uh, what'll I ask her when she gets out here?" "I got it." "I'll say, "My guest and me want to have some coffee and cake."" "Okay." "(bell ringing)" "Must be a slow track;" "she's a slow runner." "(bell ringing)" "If that's the Good Humor Man, get me a Popsicle." "It's not the Good Humor Man." "I rang that because I want you!" "Oh." "Well, what do you want?" "My friend and I will have some coffee and cake." " Okay." "Uh, just a moment." ""That'll be very good, sir."" "Okay." " Uh, may I?" "Must be a fetish with her." " What?" "May I?" "Oh." "Go ahead." "(bell ringing)" "Thelma, would you mind stepping into the dining area?" "Well, what do you want?" "(clears throat) With my coffee, I would like one lump." "(bell ringing)" "You keep on ringing that and you'll get one lump all right." " Okay." "I told you to stop saying "Okay"!" "It's "Very good, sir."" "This happens to be my guest, and I am your employer!" "Mm, some guest and some employer." "The simp and the blimp." "How dare you say that to me!" "I quit!" "You quit?" "You can't quit!" "You can't quit unless I fire." "Remember that!" "Now get out here." "I'm warning you, you'll never work anywhere else." "I'll have your union card taken away." "You cannot quit, Thelma, and that's my final word on it." "I tell you, I'm quitting." "I say you're not quitting!" "You'd better come back." "Thelma, come back in here!" " Thelma!" "Will you stop yelling, Ralph?" "You don't have to do that." "I'll get her back here." "(rings bell)" "Oh, will you stop with that thing?" "(groans)" "(knock at door)" "Come in." "Is this the Kramden residence?" "Why don't you shut up?" "Hey, what happened to the new maid you hired yesterday?" "She quit after I fired her." "Fired her?" "Yes." "That's the fourth maid this week." "The fourth?" "I only remember three." "Oh, you didn't see one of them." "(chuckles, scoffs)" "She didn't even put on a uniform." "She just walked in the bedroom, saw a mop, got scared and ran out of here." "Why don't you get another maid?" "They won't send any more up here." "They're all afraid of working." "(scoffs)" "Well, all I know is I can't make Alice quit her job," "I can't get a maid and I gotta break my back cleaning up this house on my day off." "Well, if that's the way it is, I think I'll go." "I got an early date at the pool hall." "Uh, Norton... uh..." "want to do me a favour, pal?" "What?" "I'm never gonna get all this work done." "Not before Alice gets home." "Would you mind helping me out with a little of it?" "Why, I would be glad to, buddy boy, pal of mine." "Norton, you are a friend indeed." "However, there will be a small charge of a buck an hour." "You would charge me a dollar an hour?" "That's right." "A buck an hour." "And I don't do no dishes-- that's the ladies' work." "All right, Norton." "It's a deal." "Finish the rest of that ironing." "Very good, sir." " Norton?" "Yeah?" "Come over here and help me with this." " What do you wanna do with it?" "I gotta lift it up." "I wanna put it over there so I can mop in back of this." " Very good." "Get over there." "Now, look, I'll say," ""One, two, three, lift" and we heave-ho." " Ready?" "Ready." "One, two, three, lift!" "(yells)" "Why didn't you lift?" "!" "You didn't heave-ho!" "All right, Norton." "Bend down and grab it underneath." "And we'll come up slowly." " Yeah." "All right. (grunts)" "Wait a minute." "Wait." "Hold-hold the phone." "This is a little too heavy." "Can I make a suggestion, please?" "I think I know why it's too heavy." "The drawers are probably loaded with junk." "If we just take the drawers out, it'll be a lot easier to move." "Good thinking, Norton." "Go ahead." "All right, let's go." "All right, over here." "A little more..." "a little more... a little more." "That's it." "Well." " Wasn't that a lot easier that way?" "All right, all right." "So you get one good idea all year, you got to make a federal case out of it." "(sniffing)" " Hey, Ralph." "Yeah?" "I smell something burning." "You got something on the stove or in the oven or what?" " No." "Huh?" "Is this your idea of a joke, Norton?" "No, no." "That's my idea of a burn." "Don't be funny!" "Well, I guess I can't blame you." "This kind of work isn't for a man." "This is a woman's work." "I gotta figure some way to get Alice back and quit the job." "Why don't you just tell her to quit?" "I can't do that." "She wouldn't quit." "Just telling her to quit like that?" "I gotta think of a scheme." "Hey, wait a minute." " What?" "Look." "What does a woman fall for better than anything else?" "A left hook." "No." "Flattery." "All I have to do is flatter her a little bit." "You know, when she comes in, tell her how nice her hair looks." "Then I tell her how starry-eyed she looks." "The first thing you know, I'll have her scrubbing the floors." "Now let's see." "What sort of things can I say to her?" "I got it, I'll call her what I used to call her" "before we were married." "What's that?" "Little buttercup." "Wait a minute." "I didn't call her that;" "she called me that." " Little buttercup." "(chortles)" "(chuckling)" "What's so funny?" "I mean, she used to call you her little buttercup?" " Yeah." "(chuckling)" "What's so funny about that, Norton?" "You were a little cup of butter;" "now you're a whole tub of lard!" "Shut up!" " Hiya, Ralph." "Hi, Ed." "What is that vision that just walked through the door?" "Norton, what is Marilyn Monroe doing here?" "Where?" "Where?" "!" "Where?" "!" "Where?" "!" "My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my!" "How beautiful you look tonight." "Is that a new shade of lipstick you have?" "No." "I got a promotion today." "Now I'm a jelly doughnut taster." "Oh... (chuckles) And look at those alabaster hands, how white and pure." "That's powdered sugar." "I don't think the flattery is going too good." "Why don't you try a left hook?" "Would you mind leaving the premises?" "I'd be very happy w" "I'll send Trixie down for my pay, buttercup." "Well, my little darling lover-girl..." "It won't work, Ralph." "What won't work, my little lamb?" " Hmm?" "The flattery routine, my little pumpkin." "You found out housework's a lot harder than you thought, didn't you, Ralph?" "You want me to quit my job and come back." "I want you to quit your job?" "Are you kidding?" "(scoffs)" "It's the furthest thing from my mind." "Good, because I have no intention of quitting." "Alice, you gotta quit and you gotta come back." "Do you admit that housework is harder than you thought, Ralph?" "Harder even than your job?" "Yeah." "All right." "Then I'll come back." "Thank you, sweetheart." "But I want you to understand, Ralph, no yelling and screaming if I forget to do one little thing that you tell me to do." "I promise you, I'll never complain again, sweetheart." " Never." "(knock on door)" "Come in." "I, uh..." "I forgot part of my uniform." "Oh, for a while there," "I thought you'd come back for your job." "(laughing):" "Oh." " I got a job." "Ho!" "She has a job." " Come on, Thelma." "Dinnertime." "(bell jingles)"