"Busier than usual here tonight." "This is why we should never leave the house." "You said parking meters were why we should never leave the house." "And birds." "And the wind." "All right, welcome to Team Trivia Night, a new weekly event here at Dolan's Pub." "Great." "Now it's a nerd bar." "Per usual, we are embracing change with grace and dignity." "You're no better, Ronny." "You practically cried when the new $20 bill came out." "Andrew Jackson's hair looks crazy!" "People are really getting into this trivia garbage." "They even have team T-shirts." "Oh, yeah." "That lesbian team's pretty clever." "You can't assume they're lesbians, Mom." "Their shirts say, "You've Got Questions," "We've Got Lesbi-answers."" "All right, let's get started." ""Who holds the NBA career record for steals?"" "John Stockton." "Also, all-time leader in shortest shorts." "Mm-hmm." "Looked like he was playing in a diaper." ""What is Europe's second longest river?"" "The Danube." "Wow, Ma." "You know your geography." "Well, you know your father." "Instead of splurging on vacations, he shows me documentaries about different lands." "(shouting and gunfire on TV)" "What is this?" "The Invasion of Normandy." "Still want to go to France?" "Hey, the History Channel never loses your luggage." "You're welcome." "Hey, you can't look up stuff on your phone." "Relax, nerd." "I'm not playing." "I'm checking a text." "Ugh, what a night." "First this guy's narcing on me, and now my sister and her family are coming for a visit." "I'm sorry." "I fear I took that out on you." "It's just that, every year, my sister comes to town, and rubs my face into how great her life is." "I'm just trying to play the game." "Hey, you spoke to me, sir." ""What Oscar-nominated actress played dual roles as the Hughes twins on As The World Turns?"" "Julianne Moore." "Oh, Julianne Moore." "She's the gal who played Mary Tyler Moore." "No, that would be Mary Tyler Moore." "Wait." "Ma, didn't Aunt Eileen already visit this year?" "Yeah, this is a bonus visit, because your cousin Rebecca is getting a doctorate from Harvard." "I'm sick of Rebecca flapping her gums about Harvard." "Hey, Harvard, your school color's not crimson." "It's maroon." "And Crimson's actually their mascot." "They're so smart, but they couldn't think of an animal." "I can think of four right now." "Ever since we were kids," "Rebecca's been so competitive with us." "You really think Rebecca considers you two her competition?" "She's getting her second degree from Harvard." "Sean can name four animals." "It's a marathon, not a sprint." "Yeah, and I just thought of two more, smart guy." "And our final question." ""American poet Dixon Lanier Merritt's well-known limerick is about what bird?"" "A pelican." "A wonderful bird is the pelican." "A wonderful nerd is the Ronny." "And here are the correct answers." "John Stockton, The Danube, Julianne Moore, and the pelican." "Good." "It's over." "Now why don't you all go home and have your cats quiz you on state capitals?" "You guys, we got them all right." "Maybe we should sign up as a team." "No way." " Ugh!" " Boo!" "You know, I think it might be fun." "All right." " Sure." " Let's do it!" "You guys go and have your fun." "I don't see the point." "As always, tonight's winner gets a $50 Dolan's gift card." " I'm in." " Great!" "So, we'll spend some time together, and enjoy some healthy competition." "I'm gonna hunt you down and hurt you." "And for the final question in the Lightning Round..." ""What sport was developed in England in the 1800s and was originally derived from hurling?"" "(bell clangs) Field hockey!" " Correct!" " (Cheering)" "Come on, lesbians." "That was yours for the taking." "That's game, and once again, the $50 Dolan's gift card goes to The Smarty Pints." " Yeah, yeah." " You know, it is really great to see a family" " come together..." " Yeah, yeah, just hand over the card." "Four weeks in a row!" " Go, Smarty Pints!" " Okay." "I hate to bring us down after our incredible victory..." "You were warned." "... but the dinner with Eileen's family is coming up, and so, we have to go over our talking points, and we have to figure out how we can be impressive." "Ma, aren't we impressive enough?" "Come on, Jackie." "Be a part of the solution." "So, let's see." "What happened this year that we can rub in Eileen's face?" "I got in the High School Hall of Fame." "Nice." "Sean's leading the pack." "Huh." "You don't hear that much." "Gerard got a new coaching job," "Ronny and Arthur's team is undefeated," " and Jackie's having a baby." " JACKIE:" "That's right." "You can brag about that." "I will with just one tweak." "Instead of the baby's father being six feet under, let's say that he is six feet tall and out of town on business." "Mom, you're gonna make up some fictitious guy?" "That's insulting to Jackie." "Can I call him Pedro?" "I think she's okay with it." "So, what, you're gonna keep this lie going the rest of our lives?" "No, Ronny." "I'm sure that eventually," "Jackie will meet a great guy who's sweet and kind, and who understands that one weekend a year, he's Pedro." "Okay, you look pretty." "Handsome, handsome, handsome." "You look happy." "What's wrong with you?" "I'm looking forward to seeing your sister." "I like Eileen." "You just like that she takes us out to a fancy diner." "I think of her, I think of steak." "That's more than I can say about most people." "I hate how she always chooses a place that's outside of our price range, and then insists on paying." "I agree." "Nothing worse than consistent generosity." "I know my sister seems nice, but you didn't grow up with her." "You don't know what she's capable of." "It was a brisk autumn's day..." "Please, not the rocking horse story again." "It was a brisk autumn's day." "WOMAN:" "Have fun with your new rocking horses, girls." "(door closes)" "Do you like yours, Eileen?" "Yours is pink." "The next morning, Pinky was dead." "We know." "We've heard this story a thousand..." "The next morning, Pinky was dead." "My dad accidentally backed over her in the driveway." "And who put her out there?" "I'll tell you who." "Eileen!" "No!" "Your own sister?" "Sean, we hear this story every year." "And every year, she brings it to life." "But killing my horse wasn't enough, because ever since then," "Eileen has devoted her life to one-upping me." "Mom, I'm gonna put on my guidance counselor's hat here." "Ugh!" "Not that hat from last year." "I wore that one time!" "Swing and a miss." "My point is, Mom, every year, you tell us this story." "Have you ever thought of telling your sister how you feel?" "Well, let me get this straight." "Are you saying I should share my feelings?" "Yes!" "Ronny, that's crazy." "I hope you're not telling students to do things like that." "If you keep this buried inside, one day, it's just gonna boil over." "Not if you tamp it down hard enough." " Way to go, Ma." " Tamp it." "You're an inspiration." "So, Eileen, Ray, how was your flight?" "Aw, terrific." "Just terrific." "Well, first class isn't what it used to be." "It's so much better." "(laughter)" "Oh, we know." "We've flown first class." "Oh, Marjorie, that's terrific." "Sure was." "Four years ago, we were going to Florida." "I fell on the tarmac, so they had to bump us up." "Anyway..." "We were literally dancing in the aisle." "Really pissed off the stewardesses." " Arthur." " Sorry." "Flight attendants." "So, where's Cole?" "Oh, he'll be joining us here soon." "You know, I don't know if I mentioned it," " but Cole came out a few months ago." " Mm-hmm." " Oh, great." " Good for him." "So, I guess now you're not the only one with a gay son." "Well, it's not a competition." "Although it's interesting that Ronny came out so much earlier." "I guess we just created a more open, accepting environment." "Well, we never assumed that Cole was straight." "We didn't think it was fair to put expectations on the kids." "We just allow them to be who they are." "Aw, good for you." "(quietly):" "Damn it." "Jackie." " Oh." " Congratulations." "Thanks, Aunt Eileen." "If you ever need any advice about how to raise children successfully, you give your aunt a call." "Well, Eileen, I think that Jackie already has a great example." "Yeah, Pedro's mom." "Oh, Pedro is the father of my baby." "He wishes he could have been here, but he's at a hospital reading his latest book to blind children." "Easy, Jackie." "Wow." "How did you two meet?" "Oh, wait till you hear this one." "Here we go." "Through a mutual friend." "Oh, that's not what I thought." "The mutual friend was Michael Bolton who Pedro had just saved from drowning." "That's what I thought." "Oh, man." "Do I go for the T-bone or the Porterhouse?" "Well, Arthur, last time we were here, you got the T-bone." "Last time we were here, it was in the '90s, and this was an IHOP." "You know what, Arthur?" "Why don't you get both?" "Are you serious?" "'Cause I'll do it." "Of course." "We're celebrating." "Ray's law firm just won another big case." "Eileen, it was no big deal." "Sounds like a big deal." "Should we celebrate with the seafood tower?" "So, Rebecca, don't know if you heard, but I got into the High School Hall of Fame." "And Gerard's a head coach." "Congratulations, you guys." "Whoa." "Little harsh." "So, what are you up to?" "Well, I'm getting my doctorate degree in psychobiology." "Sounds like you're getting it in bragging." "Speaking of bragging, our family's a champion trivia team at Dolan's Pub." "We're The Smarty Pints." "Well, we've done very well with the trivia." "No big deal, but we're kind of a big deal." "That must be very exciting for you, being the smartest people at a bar." "If we win our next game, we'll hold the record for most consecutive wins." "So, Rebecca, do you hold any records at Dolan's Pub?" "You know what, you guys?" "Maybe for once, we could just talk and connect like adults." "So no records at Dolan's Pub." "I didn't think so." "EILEEN:" "Oh, there's Cole." "Ah, terrific." "Oh, hi, Cole." "Hey, Aunt Marjorie." "Everyone, this is Daniel." "He's my boyfriend." "Hey, everyone." "Nuh-uh." "Excuse me?" "But you just came out." "I know." "It's crazy." "Came out on a Wednesday;" "met Daniel that Friday." "Glad you made it through Thursday." "Everything just kind of fell into place." "They're really happy." "How... terrific." "So, how about you, Ronny?" "Are you seeing anyone?" "Oh, no." "Not at the moment." "So no prospects?" "Didn't say that." "Oh." "So prospects?" "Didn't say that, either." "You know, since you've been out," "I can't remember seeing you with anyone." "So, how's Chicago?" "!" "What do you think that is about you?" "I'm just selective." "Really?" "You think you should be?" "Excuse me?" "Uh, I'm gonna meet someone." "Oh, no, no, no." "Of course you will." "And you've got your career." "You're a guidance counselor, right?" "Uh-huh." "Wow." "You have the summers off, and you still haven't met someone." "I'd rather be a lonely guidance counselor than a horse murderer!" "What?" "You killed my mom's horse!" "What is this about a horse?" "Okay, I guess we're finally gonna talk about this." "It was a brisk autumn's day..." "Sean." "All right, Eileen, I'm sure that you remember when we were kids, Mom and Dad bought us rocking horses." "No." "(laughs):" "Okay." "Do you remember when you weren't a liar?" "Oh, wait, I think I do remember those rocking horses." "Mine was white... what was yours again?" "Dead." "You put her behind Dad's car." "Marjorie, I really don't know what this is all about." "Do you want me to buy you a rocking horse?" "I'll buy you all rocking horses." " Ah, terrific." " (Laughs)" "We don't need your rocking horses, and guess what, we don't need your free dinner." "Marjorie, two steaks and a seafood tower." "Don't ruin this." "In fact, dinner is on us tonight." "We're paying." "So there!" "How gracious of you." "Arthur, uh, could you pass me the wine list?" "No." "And did you see the look on Eileen's face when your dad paid the bill?" "What about the look on my face, Marjorie?" "That total had a comma in it." "A comma." "I think all 11 of us sharing one dessert" " brought us closer." " Well, we don't have to deal with them for a whole nother year." "Hello, Marjorie." "Or eight seconds." "Eileen, what are you doing here?" "I thought you were flying out to Chicago tonight?" "Well, our flight was delayed, and you talked up your trivia streak so much last night that we thought we would come by and watch you break the record." "Or not." "'Cause we're gonna play, too." "(chuckles): "Triv and Let Die"!" "Damn it, that's brilliant." " This'll be fun." " So fun." " The funnest." " Fun plus infinity." "No tops." "Damn it!" "Can you believe this?" "She just couldn't stand that we paid for the dinner." "She had to find some other way to one-up me." "Plus, Daniel cut his shirt into one of those gross bodybuilding tank tops." "It's winter!" "And he's totally pulling it off!" "Okay, teams, write down your answers." "The two highest-scoring teams move on to the Lightning Round." "Okay, everyone focus." "We need that gift card." "We have to start rebuilding ourselves financially." "Okay, it's time for the Lightning Round." "It's come down to the Smarty Pints" " versus Triv and Let Die." " Okay," "I just want to tell you all, if you fail me tonight, you're no longer welcome in my home." "Okay, this first question is about diamonds." "Oh, Marjorie, that's too bad it's not something you know about, like..." "off-brand hot dogs." ""The largest diamond ever found was called the what?"" "(bell clangs)" "The Great Mogul." "No, I'm sorry, that is incorrect." "(clang) The Cullinan." " Yes, that's correct!" " (Cheering, shouting)" ""Duh, the Great Mogul?"" ""What two instruments in an orchestra have the highest pitch?"" "(clang) The violin and the piccolo." "Yes, that is correct." " You're so smart." " You're so hot." "We get it." "I'm single." ""Which professional athlete was voted MVP nine times during the 1980s?"" "(clang) Wayne Gretzky." "Although Bobby Orr is the best hockey player who ever lived." "Th... that's a lot of bonus information, but yes, Wayne Gretzky... (cheering, shouting)" "Guess your PhD isn't in sports." "No, it's in behavioral neuroscience." "Yeah, 'cause that's a thing." "It is a thing." "Oh, God, I'm starting to care what they think." "Okay, a tough one for the win." ""Cheryl James and Sandra Denton are better known as what '90s musical duo?"" "Shoot, I know this!" "Daniel's cheating." "He's using his phone." " Don't!" " "Duncan."" "Oh, no, it's a text." "All right, carry on, Curly Sue." "You were texting Duncan?" "You told me that was over." "It is." "It was." "Oh, so he's cheating cheating." "Oh... hot Daniel." "I'm so sorry, Cole." "EILEEN:" "Don't just stand there... go after him." "Yeah, and tell him to put a coat on." "You stay out of it." "Mom, I'm not going after him." "You knew we were having problems for months... you still made me bring him just to show up Ronny." "That is not true!" "Yes, it is." "What?" "!" "I'm tired of the lies, Eileen." "We flew coach." "In row 38." "We had to stop in Buffalo." "Ouch." " Ray!" " And you wanted me to pay for dinner even though I quit my job at the firm." "If we'd got stuck with that bill, that would not have been terrific." "Big words for someone who ordered a whole lobster." "Market price, you son of a bitch." "EILEEN:" "No, no, he didn't quit." "They made him a partner." "I did quit... because I wasn't happy." "And now I can finally pursue my dream of becoming..." " Ray, don't!" " Go for it, Ray." "A magician." "(whispers):" "Wow!" "Wow!" "This... this is terrific." "Ah, so I guess you're really not getting that doctorate from Harvard, are you?" "No, I am." "Ah." "Congrats." "EILEEN:" "Well, I bet you're really loving this, huh, Marjorie?" "You win again." "Again?" "You're the one who's always winning." "You never let me win." "Oh, please." "You have been winning ever since you got..." "What?" " Nothing." " Say it." " No." " Say it." "You got the pink rocking horse!" "Yes." "And where did you put it?" "In the driveway!" "In the driveway!" "I knew it!" "And was it or was it not a brisk autumn's day?" "It was!" "Ah!" "Marjorie, I..." "I had to do it." "I just couldn't face the fact that you were Mom and Dad's favorite." " What?" " RONNY:" "Ooh!" "I just remembered that '90s pop duo." "Not important." "Go on." "Eileen, that's ridiculous!" "I wasn't their favorite." "Oh, yes, you were." "I overheard them talking." "Really?" "Really?" "Yeah, one night I heard Mom say that Marjorie was "just a delight,"" "and that Eileen was "a bit of a chore."" "And then Dad said, "Yeah." "If only we had two Marjories."" "Well, I mean, do the math." "That means no Eileens." "Yeah, I think that's right." "Oh, my God, Eileen, you've been carrying that around all this time?" "That's terrible." "Yeah, it has been terrible." "But you know what's really terrible?" "I've been taking it out on you." "Well, you know what?" "You and I are gonna get some beers, and we're gonna drink 'em, and who knows, we might even... talk about our feelings." "I heard that, and I approve." " That would be nice." " Great." "Beers are on me." "Marjorie." "Here's last week's gift card." "Okay, while those two are learning that feeling leads to healing, we can turn our attention back to more trivial pursuits." "(clang) Salt-n-Pepa." " ANNOUNCER:" "Correct!" " RONNY:" "Damn it!" "(groaning)" "Well, I just want you to know" "I'm done with Pedro..." "I thought you should hear it from me." "Who else would we hear it from?" "ARTHUR:" "Hey." "How'd it go with your sister?" "Good." "We decided that we're gonna try and be happy for each other rather than always be so competitive." "Good for you, Mom." "Taking the high road." "Well, I won, so... (chuckles)" "But, you know, with all her kids' successes, Eileen told me that she almost never gets to see them, because they're always out doing and dating and achieving." "You're lucky, Ma." "You get to see us all the time." "I do." "There's probably a middle ground." "(phone rings)" "No caller I.D." "Who's this?" "Oh." "Hold on." "Dad, it's the credit card company." "Hello?" "Yes." "That does sound like an unusually large expenditure for me." "Was it stolen?" "Sure seems like it."