" Hey, honey." " Hi." " Good news." " Tell me." "Well, you know how I haven't made a sale in the last two months ?" "What ?" "!" "Oh, I thought I told you about that." "Well, it's all gonna change tomorrow." "You know those annoying phone calls we get from people trying to sell us meat ?" "Oh, my God, you're gonna start selling meat over the phone ?" "No." "Dial-A-Steak needs 200 cubicles for their new headquarters, and Mr. Finger-on-the-Pulse is the only one who knows." "How did you find out about it ?" "One of the other salesmen was out to lunch, and I answered his phone." "Yeah, I get most of my leads that way." "That's why you're one of the best." "So anyway, the Dial-A-Steak guy invited us to a party at his house tomorrow night, and that is where my slump ends." "All you got to do is show up and watch the closer close the deal." "Oh, and Patton's got to come along and pretend that he's ten years old." "What ?" "Yeah, people like to do business with people who are like them." "So whatever the guy says, I say, "Me, too."" "He says he likes to play golf, I say, "Me, too."" " He says he has a ten-year-old..." " Me, too." "Exactly." "Look, Dad, if it's that important to you, then I'll do it." " That's my boy." " For a cut of the deal." " You conniving little shrimp !" " Okay." " All right." "One percent." " Don't insult me." "Fine." "Three percent, and, uh, I'll let you practice driving sitting on my lap." "To the store and back." "Sous-titres :" "Van Transcripts :" "Raceman" "Okay, here's a weird one." "Hate French, hate toast, love French toast." "You think that's weird ?" "Watch this." "So, you scratched yourself." "That doesn't bother me." "Oh, that's my dad." "You know, guys, I'm really glad all that weirdness is behind us and we're back to being just friends like we used to be." "Three musketeers !" "All for one !" "And one for all !" "Bye." "Oh, my God, I'm sick of hanging out with you." "For once, I just want to go on a real date with Alayna by myself." "Me, too." "I also wish I had a clone so I could play ping-pong against myself." " I'd kick my own ass." " Hey, hey, wait a minute." "Maybe there is a way for us to both date Alayna." "I'm listening." "Okay, so the three of us are having dinner Saturday night." "I'll show up late, so you can be alone with her, and then when I get there, you'll pretend to be sick and leave." "That way, we both get to have a date with her." " She doesn't even know it." " It's the perfect plan !" "Oh, my God." "I can't believe I'm actually going to get to go on a date and be alone with Alayna Lobbaglopple." "Wait, wait." "You're talking gibberish." "You talk gibberish when you're nervous- what's wrong ?" "Well..." "I'm not saying this is true, but in some... small way, this might possibly be my first date." "What ?" "No, man." "You went on, like, three dates with that girl Julie." "I made her up." " Well... what about Megan Gilroy ?" " I got her name off a tombstone." "We broke up, but I still bring her flowers." "I love being a waitress." "I have all this extra money." "Aka new shoes for Paige." "Aka awesome." "Aka aka." "Um, Paige, do you know what "aka" means ?" "Of course." "It means "yippee" !" "Well, I'm glad you have all that money, because Radiohead tickets are going on sale, and I need that hundred bucks you owe me." "Sorry, I'm broke." "Here, feel this." "It's faux fur." "I hate the idea of them killing all those little foes, but it's really soft." "Let me try to get through to your faux brain." "I want to go to that concert." "I need my hundred bucks back." "Well, if you're so desperate for money, why don't you get a job instead of begging me for it ?" "I want my money- now, go back to the store and return those clothes." "No way." "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go introduce my new clothes to my old clothes." "All right." "Let's go over the plan one more time." "I kiss Reynold's ass all night, and then I close the deal." "Shall I go over it again ?" "No, Bob, I think I grasp its complexities." "Carol, I need to close this deal tonight before word gets out." "Patton, get in here." "I can't believe you made me wear my own my old Mountain Scout outfit." "Buck's son is a Mountain Scout;" "you're a Mountain Scout." "Yeah, well, costumes weren't part of the deal." "It's going to cost you another one percent." "That kerchief looks a little loose." "Let me get it for you." "Bob, Bob, Bob, knock it off." "All right, there he is." "Now, the key to kissing ass effectively is that the subject should have no idea that you're doing it." "There he is !" "All hail the Meat King of New Jersey." "Your Highness, I come bearing gifts." "Thank you, Bob." "Hi, there." " Buck Reynolds." " Hi." "Carol." "I'd like you to meet my son, Buck Jr." "Wow, he certainly has inherited his father's chiseled good looks." "He's adopted, but thank you." " Patton, say hi to Buck Jr." " Hi." "I'm Patton." "You got a scroll badge ?" "I got a cougar badge." "That means you have to do everything I say." "Come on, slave !" "Bob, Carol, I'd like you to meet my beautiful wife, Yolanda." "Carol, I see you're staring." " Oh, no, I wasn't." " It's fabulous, isn't it ?" "But is it a dress, or is it a tuxedo ?" "Well, brace yourself." "It's a druxedo." "Ah !" "You have to tell me who designed it." "The designer is a brilliant and sexy woman." "How do I know ?" "I happen to be sleeping with her." "Who is the bitch ?" "Why, it's you, of course." "Wow, Yolanda, I have never seen anything like that anywhere." "Well, it is one of a kind, but my studio's upstairs, and I have something that would be perfect for you." "It is a little pricey, but well worth it." "Oh, I couldn't." "Yolanda, I-I think I know who your next customer's going to be." "How do I know ?" "I happen to be sleeping with her." "Yeah, for the moment." "You ladies run along and... and have fun." "I'm going to bask in the glow of Buck Reynolds." "You know, Bob, Yolanda has a men's line as well." "Hmm, am I intrigued, or am I fascinated ?" "I'm intrascinated." "Hi, I'm Paige." "Welcome to CJ Magoos." "Can I start you off with a basket of friendly fries ?" "No, thanks, but can we just see your dessert menu ?" "No, you can't, but you can hear it." "We have chocolate cake and berry pie And big banana splits" "We also have some great fondue And don't think that is it" "We have cookie cakes and cookie dough And do you want to hear more ?" " Yes !" " We have smores !" "What are you doing here, and why are you wearing that uniform ?" "Well, instead of paying me back, you told me to get a job." "Say howdy-do to the newest member of CJ Magoo's smile crew." "What ?" "You can't work here." "This is a happy place." "I meant get a job you'd be good at, like making children cry or burning things." "I can do both those things here." "You have to leave." "All the waitresses pool their tips." "You're going to ruin our take." "Pay me my money, and I'm out the door." "Oh, I get it." "You're going to be bad on purpose to ruin our tips." "No way." "You're not going to blackmail me." "Okay, then, if you'll excuse me." "I have a customer to entertain and delight." "We'd like to hear the dessert song, please." "Yeah, right." "We have cookies and some kind of cake, I think." "They both glow." "What do you want ?" "Oh, here, wait, let me get that for you." "Pearce, look at you." "Pouring my drink, taking my coat... pulling my chair out for me." "Okay, I just want to say one more time, I am so sorry." "I really didn't think you'd sit down that quickly." "Can I have some of your root beer ?" "You know, in some countries, we'd be married now." "Yeah, well, in some..." "Balamahoolamoop." "Baloop." "Why is it that when you speak gibberish," "I feel like I understand you better than most people when they're speaking English ?" " Hey, guys, sorry I'm late." " Oh, don't be silly." "Pearce told me all about the hair treatments." " What hair treatments ?" " That you're going bald." " I'm not going bald." " Thank God for those treatments." " Pearce, you, uh, feeling okay ?" " Yeah, I'm feeling fine." "Pearce, can I talk to you for a second ?" "We'll be right back." "What are you doing ?" "The plan was I show up halfway through the date, and you pretend to be sick." "If that was the plan, I think I would remember it." "You know, I thought you'd pull something like this." "That's why I rigged your comic book collection to fall into a vat of ketchup in about, oh, ten minutes." "You're bluffing." " Notice the rope starting to fray." " Oh, mother of God !" "Alayna, I'm sorry, but I must away." "I have to save America's superheroes from the evil Dr. Heinz." "I got a special badge just for tying knots." "Seriously, let me out, doofus." "Hey, a junior scout cannot talk to a senior scout like that." " Punishment is... noogies !" " Ow !" "That is it !" "Look, I am done with the knots, I am done with the noogies, and I am done with you." " Spencer !" " Hey, Bucky." " Who's the skirt ?" " My baby-sitter." " Who are you ?" " I'm Patton." "We were just tying each other up." "Want to join in ?" "Hey, give me one of those." "And don't be a stranger." "You love it, don't you ?" "What's not to love ?" "I've got eyes on my boobs." "Oh, I am really proud of this one." "It's an ironic commentary on men's ridiculous fixation with our breasts." "It says, "We know you're looking, boys, but guess what ?" "Now we're looking back."" "Yes, Carol, I'm wearing a skirt." "Or as Yolanda calls it, the liberation of man from the shackles of his pants." "Holy crap, she's a looney toon." "You ain't kidding, four eyes." "Is this the vegetarian table ?" "Okay, here's your baby-back ribs." " Miss ?" " Shut your Magoo." "Look, the other waitresses and I voted." "You have to quit ASAP." "You want me to quit ?" "All you've got to do is give me the money you owe me." "Forget it." "Okay, then if you'll excuse me," "I have to deliver these cold onion rings and go pour hot soup on that lady." "Here's your damn onion rings." "Penny, you don't have to be rude to us." "We're not going to leave you a tip anyway." "Awesome, thanks." "All right, I bet you I can eat more onion rings in ten seconds than you can." "Ready ?" "Go." " Why aren't you eating ?" " I-I don't like onion rings." "Me, neither." "They're horrible." "I'm winning." "Wait." "If-If you don't like onion rings, then why did you order them ?" "So we could race." " Hey, guys." " Pearce, what are you doing here ?" "You know how they say the only thing that can hurt Superman is kryptonite ?" "It turns out, ketchup can hurt him, too." "Bummer." "Luckily, I was able to scrape most of it off with this Pete Rose rookie card." "Onion ring race, huh ?" "What's your record ?" " 13." " You're so going down." "All right, time to close this deal." "Well, Chase, good for you." "You went with the man skirt." "And Carol, may I say you have... beautiful eyes." "Thank you." "Ah, Buck, I'm sorry." "I don't mean to mix pleasure with business, but could..." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa..." "Plenty of time for that." "You see, uh," "I'm a gots-to-know-you kind of guy." "We're gonna do business together, I gots to know you." " Ever spear a lobster ?" " Have you ?" "I spearfish for lobster every year in Fiji." " Australia." " Yeah, yeah." "Uh, yeah, you see this scar ?" "I got that wrestling a six-foot lobster off the Great Barrier Reef." "Yeah, just as I was working his mid-section, one of the rubber bands popped off." "Sounds like you love lobster almost as much as I do." "Heck, I have my own bib." "Well, have I got a surprise for you !" "Fresh from Dial-A-Steak's new division, Dial-A-Lobster." "Go ahead, dig in." "Hey, um, um, Bob, can I talk to you for a sec ?" "Just a second." " What ?" " What are you doing ?" "You can't eat lobster." "You're deathly allergic to it." "What choice do I have ?" "I mean, what's he going to say ?" ""I think I'll buy cubicles from the guy who lied to me about lobster."" "Great, I'll tell that little anecdote at your funeral." "It's gonna be fine." "I mean, after I eat the lobster, I'll have a good 30 minutes before my throat seals shut." "I'll put the deal to bed." "That still gives us plenty of time to get to the hospital for my shot." "It's all in a day's work for the closer." " Now, where's that delicious lobster ?" " Oh, feast your eyes." "Ha, ha !" "Lobster roll, lobster thermidor, even lobster cocktail." "Go ahead, man." "What's your poison ?" "Pretty much all of it." "Patton, where are you going ?" "We haven't finished our pine cone bird feeder yet." "You know what mountain scouts have to be good at ?" "Hide and seek." "You hide first." " Okay, but you'll never find me." " Will, too !" "So, Spencer, need some help with your geometry ?" "How did you know this was geometry ?" "Oh, I know lots of things." "What's the difference between a line and a line segment ?" "A line segment has two distinct endpoints, but a line extends forever, like your long, luxurious hair." "Wow, you're pretty smart for a ten-year-old." "What's age, really, but just a way to keep track of all the days that go by without us kissing ?" "Patton !" "You are way too young to be flirting... so well." "Spencer, if we were the same age, would you hold my hand and kiss me and be my girlfriend ?" "Yes, I would, Patton." "You'd be my #1 fella." "And if I told you a secret, would you not tell anyone ?" " Not even your bestest, bestest friend ?" " Of course." "Okay, here's the deal." "I'm not ten, and I'm not a Mountain Scout." " What ?" " My name's Patton Chase." "I'm working undercover for my old man." "Here's my ID." "Why are we still talking ?" "Excuse me, miss ?" "This spoon is dirty." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Let me take care of that." "Here you go." "Enjoy your sundae." "Penny, I know you don't want to quit, but if you don't get your act together, you're going to get fired." "The company sends spotters -people disguised as customers- on the lookout for bad employees." "Now, why don't you go wait on that table ?" " Welcome to CJ Magoos." "I'm..." " I'm a spotter." "You're fired." "You're not a spotter." "You're that idiot who sits next to Paige in homeroom." " Hey, Penny." " Nice try, Paige." "All right, Penny !" "The other girls chipped in." " Here's the $100 I owe you." " Thank you." " Will you quit now ?" " Actually, I got fired about an hour ago." "Careful, that woman at table seven with the wine all over her back really is a spotter." " Check." " Checkmate !" " No !" "I forgot the hot sauce could move diagonally." "That's why you'll never go pro." "I better go to the bathroom." " Listen, Pearce." " Okay, look," "I know we had a deal, but I had to come back." "I see Alayna's face everywhere." "In the moon, in the trees, in this picture I have of her." " Look, Pearce..." "Pearce, go for it." " What ?" "Listen, you know how much I like Alayna, but you guys seem to really fit." "And since she can't date both of us, I mean, why should we both lose out ?" "I'm walking away." "I love you, man." " All right, now go tell her how you feel." " All right." "Hey, guys ?" "You know that waiter that's been smiling at me all night ?" "He just finished his shift and asked me to go to a movie with him." " You mean, like, on a date ?" " Yeah." "Is it okay with you guys if I go ?" " Um, what do you think, Pearce ?" " Baloop." "You're so funny." "Thanks for understanding." "Good night." "I had fun." "What are you doing ?" "Why didn't you tell her you loved her ?" " I just did." " You said "baloop."" "Damn it !" "Now, the real money is in filet mignon." "Ounce for ounce, that's like a license to print money." "Not that rib eye is anything to sneeze at, either." "That's one of our biggest anniversary meats." "Yes, Bob." "I'd like to talk to you about... cubicles." "Oh, sure, just a minute." "I'll be right with you." "And sirloin !" "Now, sirloin is a steak I have never trusted." " Interesting." " Give me that, you..." "Well, thanks for the order, Buck." "You should get delivery by the end of the month." "I look forward to working with you." "You know what's good for that sore throat ?" "Lobster bisque." "Carol, car, hospital." "Actually, honey, I already called the ambulance." "They're waiting down the streeteet so Reynolds won't find out." "Good news, Dad." "Scored with the baby-sitter." "The only bad part is, Buck Junior cracked our scam wide open." "You're in to him for 50 percent." "Well, Carol, I'm in for two dresses, my skirt, the bag of gifts, Patton's cut," "Buck Junior's cut, my allergy shot and hospital stay." "All total, I'm in the hole about $400." "I did it, Carol." "I'm a closer."