"[ alf ] thursday, 6:30 pm." "it started out like any other night... lynn, we'll be late for the shower." "have you seen the yellow ribbon?" "what color is it?" "ha!" "yeah!" "i kill me." "aha!" "you kill me!" "brian, it's time to get ready for bed, okay?" "sorry, alf." "we'll play later." "here's that ribbon." "but..." "it's wet." "i forgot." "you're out of floss." "maybe i can find some ribbon, without meat on it." "not in that drawer." "i might have some meatless ribbon in the garage." "forget it; a blender doesn't need ribbon." "you have joanna's number?" "no problem." "brian's going to bed." "i've got a lot of reading, and alf will find something to do." "make sure he doesn't." "[ phone rings ] i'll get it." "hey, don't worry about the old alfer." "channel 9 is running "psycho."" "by the way, we're out of popcorn." "i'll put it on the list next to floss." "no chance to run out now and get it?" "right.i'll see if i can scrounge some from the sofa." "ready." "what do you think?" "i love that dress." "thanks." "willie, we're leaving." "hold on!" "that was herb from the office." "the computer is down." "he can't access files." "i've got to go reload the back-ups." "now?" "i've no choice." "the budget is due." "we can't leave brian alone." "i'm here." "i could take him with me." "it's a school night." "i'll stay." "no, you're in the wedding party." "i'm not." "what are we going to do?" "uh hmmm, hello!" "how about me?" "for what?" "to sit with brian." "what do you think?" "do i think we should let an alien watch "psycho,"" "while our son sleeps in the other room?" "no problem, just leave the keys to the liquor cabinet." "**" "mrs. ochmonek will be here in 5 minutes." "thank god!" "so, this is my prison for the night." "it's not prison." "it's our bedroom." "one man's bedroom is another man's prison." "there's plenty to keep you occupied -- magazines, a jigsaw puzzle." "it's broken." "that's the object." "you're supposed to put it together." "i didn't break it!" "your favorite comic book " ""shana, mistress of the universe."" "i don't want shana." "i want mrs. bates." "we'll run "psycho" another night." "if you promise to stay away from mrs. ochmonek, maybe, in the future, we'll let you baby-sit." "don't toy with my emotions, willie." "i'm not." "you think you can keep your end of this bargain?" "mrs. "o" will never know i'm here." "i'll get it!" "[ door bell ] alf!" "just kidding!" "where's the fun around here?" "thanks, mrs. ochmonek." "please, it's raquel!" "it's my pleasure." "trevor's watching a ball game, so this works out fine." "channel 9 is showing "psycho."" "so i hear." "willy... have you had trouble sleeping lately?" "no, why?" "far be it from me to pry, but recently your tv has been on awfully late." "now you mention it, i have had trouble." "i noticed how much garbage you're putting out." "if i didn't know better, i'd think you had boarders." "you know how it is, when i can't sleep, ...i eat." "my trevor is the same way." "it this a new lamp?" "mrs. ochmonek... i really have to go." "here's the number." "i won't be long." "don't worry about a thing." "please, stay out of the bedroom." "it's...a ...kind of a mess." "whatever you say." ""please stay out of the bedroom."" "who does he think i am, a snoop?" "[ tv playing psycho theme ] [ tv ] it's kind of stuffy in here." "let me open the window." "whythankyou... [ alf ] meanwhile, in the bedroom, i was just finishing the jigsaw puzzle," "when i heard the haunting strains of the movie, i so desperately wanted to see." "[ tv ] thank you very much." "you've been very kind." "i was wondering, is there a diner or cafe open nearby?" "no." "i was wondering... yes?" "well, you seem so... and i'm all alone." "iwaswonderingwhether... you'd like to come up to the house, and have supper with me." "[ alf sniffing ] that sure is kind... you're sure it's not an imposition?" "you weren't expecting company?" "oh, no." "on the contrary." "[ door creaks ]" "i learned one thing about eating jigsaw puzzles." "an hour later, you're hungry again." "yo!" "pizza barge." "yeah, i'd like to order one large special;" "the works; to travel." "167 hemdale.grazi." "listen, can you leave it by the oak tree in the back yard?" "i don't know, i'm superstitious." "[ tv ] no mother, i won't." "ahhh!" "oh!" "[ mysterious music ] i decided to go outside and wait for the pizza." "big mistake!" "[ clunk ] [ clunk ]" "ohhhhh!" "[ crash ] oh!" "[ psycho theme on tv ] trevor, get over here quick!" "i think there's somebody else in this house." "[ psycho music builds to a crescendo ]" "what took you so long?" "the dodgers batted a round." "what's so important?" "i think there's somebody in this house." "i heard a scream." "[ scream on tv ] don't wake me up when you come home." "it wasn't the tv!" "the scream came from the back bedroom." "maybe it was the cat." "no cat would scream like that." "maybe it was in heat." "it sounded human, and it came from this room!" "all right!" "i'm going in." "if i don't come back, you can start dating." "i tried." "it's locked." "now, it's open." "are you narrating this?" "i'm scared.willie said to stay out." "look in the bathroom." "for crying out loud!" "hey!" "what is it?" "they got a cushioned toilet seat!" "let's get one.i'm tired of living in the dark ages." "just check the window, will you!" "there, it's locked!" "i'm going to watch the dodgers blow a big lead." "as for me, my only thought was to get back to my room, and rake myself." "[ mysterious music ]" "[ click ]" "[ door squeaks ] [ tv ] are you sure you don't know something about this?" "i don't know a thing about it." "alightsnackwouldhold me overuntilthepizzacame ." "unfortunately, lucky had the same idea." "[ cat screeches ] [ click ]" "[ door bell rings ]" "pizza barge!" "one super sicilian." "that's me!" "here's your pizza." "sorry, we couldn't leave it by a tree." "i don't understand." "last time we left one by a tree, a squirrel died." "i mean, i didn't order it and i won't pay." "it's already paid for; house account." "oh, in that case... what about my tip?" "is this enough?" "sure, in some states i can still make a phone call." ""in some states i can still make a phone call."" "trevor, did you order a pizza and have it sent here?" "what are you talking about." "the strangest thing just happened." "a pizza arrived already paid for." "you got a pizza there?" "that's right." "i'll be right over." "ohhh!" "it's gone!" "[ knocking at door ]" "you won't believe this, but it's gone." "what?" "the pizza!" "you didn't leave me a slice!" "i didn't eat it." "it disappeared." "trevor, something is going on... the noises and the screams!" "what are you talking about it's on the counter." "i'll be go to the market, it's back." "i'll be go the market?" "yes, it's back." "mmmm, delicious!" "it could be a little hotter." "can't you stay here?" "i don't want to be alone." "take it easy, raquel." "i haven't seen you this bad since the eclipse." "fine!" "tell me where the pizza went." "i'll do better than that, i'll tell you where it's going." "ihaddoneeverythingicould  thinkofto passthe time." "one thing was certain, blue was not my color." "[ phone rings ]" "hello!" "why are you answering the phone?" "i live here." "where's mrs. ochmonek?" "she lives next door." "i know she... where is she now?" "the last time i saw her, she was giving away my pizza." "pizza!" "i called for mrs. ochmonek." "i'll get her." "no!" "don't move!" "i'll call back." "it's your dime." "kids... [ phone rings ]" "hello!" "why do you keep answering?" "you keep calling." "is everything all right?" "fine... and the cat is going to be okay." "the cat?" "what happened?" "i closed the refrigerator on his tail." "what!" "why were you in the kitchen?" "i broke in the back door after i fell out the window." "where are you now?" "what are you doing?" "i'm in the bedroom wearing a blue dress." "don't move!" "where would i go?" "i don't have the right shoes." "i'm coming home." "i should have locked him in the garage!" "kids!" "[ crash ] [ click ]" "brian, is that you?" "ahhhh!" "operator, this is an emergency!" "what's the number for 911?" "then, it happened." "he came into my life." "at first, i thought it was santa claus." "then, it soon dawned on me... santa probably wouldn't smell of cheap wine." "besides,hewasbeginning tofillup hisbag , with stuff that didn't belong to him." "i was scared stiff, but i knew i had to do something." "i realized, for that moment, i was the man of the house." "excuse me, sir." "can i have a word with you?" "who said that?" "i did." "can you take some constructive criticism?" "what you're doing here, is wrong." "heh, heh." "it must be one of them talking dolls." "oh, yeah!" "ever have a talking doll rip out your voice box?" "ahhhhh!" "[ crash ] oh!" "mr. tanner thank god you're home!" "it's been a nightmare." "so i heard." "no, no, it's okay!" "what's going on here?" "i hope the police get here soon." "police?" "weird things have been going on." "especially in your bedroom!" "take mrs. ochmonek in the kitchen for tea." "okay, mom." "come on." "would you prefer herbal or regular?" "i'd prefer scotch." "so, how was the shower?" "what in the world?" "what are you doing in my dress?" "sorry, i thought it was lynn's." "you've really done it this time." "any semblance of faith or trust... i can explain." "what could you possibly explain?" "i set a thief on the straight and narrow." "what are you talking about?" "my jewelry box is missing!" "so are my good gold cuff links." "and my good watch!" "and my antique cameo!" "where are they?" "probably being pawned." "wait, look!" "there was a thief here, wasn't there?" "two of them." "one took your jewels;" "the other one, my pizza." "the police are here." "what'd you do, alf?" "sure, blame the guy in the dress." "don't make a sound." "stay right here." "and take off that dress!" "alright, but i warn you, i'm not wearing anything underneath." "mr. and mrs. tanner... we're responding to your call." "can you identify this?" "my jewelry." "my cuff links." "this man chased our car claiming he'd stolen this." "i did.i deserve the maximum penalty." "relax, pal." "come down to the station and fill out a report, and reclaim your property, if you want it." "yes, we do." "let's go." "you said you'd ask them." "this man claims he saw a hideous creature... with a huge nose." "wearing a blue dress." "he says it talked to him." "i swear it did." "thank you, lynn." "i'll be going home, now." "excuse me." "at least he can't plead insanity." "good night." "willie!" "i know what you're thinking." "we got through it." "everything's all right." "everything's back to normal." "[ alf ] hey, could somebody unzip me in here?"