"Smart's in there all right." "The Maestro was right." "He's going after that little black book." "Hmm." "He's going to have to settle for a little black box." "I need him to make this week's quota." "I don't understand you, Sid." "I'm a secret agent." "I have to go, but what's your angle?" "What do you mean, what's my angle?" "I want to defend my country too." "And you happen to be my buddy." "And besides," "I happen to know that every secret agent gets all the broads." "You're not going." "That's it." "Forget it." "That's final." "You're not going." "If you don't take me along, I'll spill everything I know about CONTROL headquarters." "All right, you can go, but no gun." "Here." "Max:" "You're liable to get trigger-happy and get your fool head shot off." "Sid:" "Oh, great thinking, Max, great." "Without a gun, I'm a sitting duck." "That's one sitting duck and one dead duck." "Well?" "Well?" "Well?" "Well, he moved, that's what's well." "But you can't have a gun, Sid." "You don't have a license to kill." "But, Max, this is an emergency." "Can't you get me a learner's permit?" "Sid, will you forget about it?" "Do us both a favor-- stay here." "Now, look, I know you were a very tough guy when we were in the army together, but that's 15 years ago." "Now wait a minute, Max." "I gave that little black book away, and I think it's only fair I get it back for you." "Besides, I don't think KAOS is as dangerous as this apartment." "I get the feeling I'm going to get creamed by one of your dizzy booby traps." "What does this do, release the lions?" "No, the lion button is downstairs." "This, eh... well, to tell you the truth, I forget what this does," "But whatever it does, it's obviously not working." "Hmm." "There he is, and here he goes." "( gunshots firing )" "( glass breaks )" "Boy, pal, that was a close call." "Yes, thanks to you, CONTROL's top agent has been saved again." " Thanks to me?" " Yes, come on, I'll show you." "I just remembered what that button does." "It activates this-- the old Maxwell-Smart-silhouette- on-the-window-shade trick." "That's the second time KAOS has fallen for it this month." "Fool, you missed him." "The Maestro will be furious." " You shot a shade." " A shade isn't going to talk." "Besides, they go out the back way, my boys will get 'em." "Either way, I make my quota." "Let's get out of here." "They're trying to kill us." "Hmm, you may be right." "Here, take this, Sid." "Come on." " Wait a minute." " What's the matter, Max?" "Don't you know your way out of your own building?" "They're expecting us to come out the front." "We'll fool them and go out the back." "Come on, Sid, the coast is clear." "Except for these three cold-blooded killers." "( theme music playing )" "Max, how did you get all three?" "Together:" "The old three-way-gun trick." "( sirens wailing )" "Max, the cops." "Cops!" "Let's get out of here." " ( engine starts ) - ( tires screeching )" "( sirens continue wailing )" "What are you doing?" "I'd better make it look like suicide." " Oh." " Come on." " ( sirens fade )" " It's okay, Max." "The cops are here." "You've got a lot to learn about the secret agent business, Sid." "That's the oldest trick in the world." "Oh, the old KAOS-killers-dressed-up- like-cops- in-order-to-fool-CONTROL-agent- and-old-army-buddy trick." "Something like that." "Now, look, remember that night in Pusan when we played patty cake?" " Yeah, when we belted them." " Right." "Both:" "Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's man." "Bake me a cake as fast" "The old Pusan-patty-cake trick, huh?" "Sergeant, this officer is making a very big mistake, but I'm willing to let bygones be bygones if he is." "Okay, Clarence Darrow, can it." "Now then-- name and occupation?" "Uh, Maxwell Smart." "I'm in the greeting card business." "Sid Krimm, sir." "I sell wedding gowns and I'm a part-time spy." "Wedding gowns and part-time... spy?" "That's right, sir." "He's a full-time spy and he sells greeting cards as his cover." "Uh, Sergeant... we were in the war together and he had a pretty tough time." "He's a little shell-shocked." "He thinks he's a spy." "What are you talking about?" "Sid, this situation calls for the truth." "What do you mean?" "Did we or did we not have a hand grenade thrown at us?" "Did we or did we not fall through the phone booth into CONTROL headquarters?" "And did I or did I not talk to the President on the steer horn?" " Well?" " I suppose you're going to tell me now you want to talk to the President of the United states again?" "You're darn right I do." "You see what I mean, Sergeant?" "He's really pretty far gone." "That's it." "I've had it." "I'm not out of my mind, and you guys aren't going to railroad me." "I want a lawyer." "I want a trial." "I know my rights." "I want a psychiatrist." "You guys think I'm crazy?" "I've had it with you guys." "All right, Sid, we spent the night in jail, we spent the day in court." "Now you've got the psychiatrist." "If you'll just do as I say and pretend you're out of your mind, they'll put you in my custody and we can get out of here." "Max, I can't go through life with the reputation that I'm bananas." "My chair." "Oh, yes, sorry about that, Doctor." "It's all right." "( clears throat ) All right." "Mr. Krimm, do you still insist that you're on a secret mission?" "Tell me, when did you first decide that you needed more..." "excitement in your life?" "What excitement?" "Who needed excitement?" "All I ever wanted was a home in a suburb and a couple of wives and a kid and a dog." "That's all, Doc." "You see?" "You see what I was talking about, Doc?" "That's perfectly normal." "I've been married three times myself." "Don't interrupt anymore, Mr. Smart." "Hmm?" "Uh, Mr. Krimm, let's go back to your childhood." "Tell me about your father." "How did you feel about him?" " Did you hate him?" " I was very fond of my dad." "He was a great guy." "We had a lot in common-- football, baseball... and when I grew up, broads." "Your father took you to baseball and football games?" "No, he got me the broads." "Oh." "Gee, my father never got me anything." "He wouldn't even talk to me." "Oh, I'm sorry, Max." "I never knew." "You never asked." "Would you please not interrupt me, Mr. Smart?" "Will you?" "Hmm?" "Hmm?" "My father... my father never got me anything." "The only thing he ever got me was a pair of long pants so I could go to work." "Mr. Smart" "Mr. Krimm." "Would you mind looking-- and would you just not interrupt anymore," "Mr. Smart?" "Appreciate that." "Mr. Krimm, look at these inkblots and tell me exactly what comes into your mind." " The first thing that comes to mind." " You need a new pen." "( laughs ) Very good, very good." "No, no, no, I mean just look at them, and the first thing that comes in your mind, talk about them, all right?" "Boy... that's a pretty girl." "A pretty girl?" "That's good." "That's good." "( gasps )" "That's a boy and a pretty girl hugging." "( chuckling )" "A boy and a pretty girl hugging?" "And that's two girls and a boy." "Uh-huh, uh-huh..." "T-two-two girls and a boy." "( laughs nervously )" "( groans )" "Don't skip anything." " Can I buy a set of these?" " Can he?" " What?" " Well, you see, Doc, that's exactly what I was talking about-- exactly what I was talking about." "He thinks all these things are about women." "That's exactly what those pictures are about." "They're about women." "Hmm." "Mr. Krimm, thank you very much." "Thank you, Doctor." "May I ask you a question, Mr. Smart?" "Certainly, Doctor, ask me anything you want." "Uh, did you ever get the feeling that you're being followed and hounded?" "Well, yes, I used to, but now I pay for everything in cash." "That's it, I've got to go." "Oh, no, just a minute." "I have to detain you." "You need more psychiatric treatment." "You're not going to detain anybody." "I'm not crazy, fella." "And besides that, I know my constitutional rights." "I'm entitled to one phone call." " If you wish." " I wish." "Hello, Chief?" "It's me again." "I want a lawyer!" "Don't worry about a thing, Sid," "I'll have you out of here in a few minutes." " 86?" " Yes, are you the CONTROL lawyer?" "Yes, here's my card." ""18, 26, 35, 44, 51, 33 and Sons."" "I thought 21 was going to handle this case." "21 handles divorces." "You two guys want to get separated?" "Yeah, I want to get separated." "I want to get separated from this police station." "Now, as I understand this case, you hit this policeman." "What we do is plead guilty and the fine is $50." " I see no reason why" " We didn't hit the policeman, he hit us." "Oh, willfully standing in the way of a police attack?" "That's $100 fine and we'll have to come back in 60 days for a trial." "I'll arrange for your bail, 86." "What about me?" "Who's going to take care of me?" "What's your number?" "What number?" "I don't have a number." "I'm Max's pal." "You've got to get me out of here." "I'm sorry, I can't do that." "I'm not allowed to handle outside cases." "I work exclusively for the government, and it would be a conflict of interest." "I've got to go along with him on that, Sid." "When the man is right, he's right." "However, I might be able to recommend another lawyer." "An old friend of mine-- 28." "28?" "Is he in the phone book?" "No, he has an unlisted number, and I have his card right here." "I don't want another attorney." "I want to get out of here." "Just call 28 and tell him 17 recommended you." "Tell him that you were booked on a 437." "If you plead a 507, you will get off 1-2-3." "Bingo." "What is this, a police station or a church?" "Sid, you don't understand." "In our business we are not allowed to use names, only numbers." "Look, we're on a very important case." "Just get us out of here." "I'll have you out in five minutes." "What about me?" "Who's going to take care of me?" "Will you stop whining?" "Can't you just bend the rules a little bit and help my friend?" "We might be able to deputize him." "Oh." "Well, I didn't want to go that far." "Listen, couldn't we deputize him on a temporary basis?" "Yes, I guess I could swear him in." "Fill out this card later, if you will." "Stand up, please." "Stand up." "I want you to raise your right foot and repeat after me." "Why do I have to raise my right foot?" "Because it's an underground organization." " Oh." " Now, repeat after me." "( silent )" "How can I repeat after you?" "I can't hear you." "It's a secret oath." "Oh." "First thing you know, you'll have me patting my head and rubbing my stomach to qualify for the job." "You've been letting out secrets." "( gasping )" "Don't ever do that." "Come on, dummy." "Man:" "I couldn't help it." "Man #2:" "You'd better have a good reason." "They're not going to like that upstairs." "Man:" "Please let me try again." "I won't miss next time." "Man #2:" "There ain't going to be no next time." "The organization gives no second chances, and you know what happens when you miss." "Man:" "No, no, don't." "Man #2:" "I'll take care of this contract myself-- and you." " Throw him in the river, boys." " ( gunshots )" " ( splashes ) - ( tires screeching )" "( gunshots )" "I'm telling you, Mae, we've got to move out of this neighborhood." "( screaming on TV )" "( Max grunts )" "I don't understand it." "This has to be the place." "The computer is never wrong-- 111 M Street." "Oh, West 111th street." "Will you leave me alone, Sid?" "I don't understand it." "I never get mixed up like that." "I can understand it." "You're a dope." "Remember in the army, you couldn't even spell "pussycat?" Uh-oh." "Max, they're after us." "How are we going to get out of here?" "We can't go that way." " It's a dead-end alley." " I know that, dummy." "( crashes )" "Max, it passed right over us." "Well, naturally, Sid." "When I saw that car bearing down on us," "I happened to notice that it was a 1967 Sedan." "Now a 1967 Sedan has a clearance of 15 and 1/2 inches." "When we're lying flat, we have a clearance of 15 and 1/4 inches." "It was a '68." "I don't wish to discuss it any more." "Max, there's no need to get steamed about it." " Forget it." "Let's go get The Maestro." " Oh..." "( classical music playing )" "Listen, that music" "When I spoke to Nancy, I heard it over the telephone." " ( screams )" " Girls, stay right where you are." "Gentlemen, you are covered." "Oh, really?" "Don't you need a gun for that, Maestro?" "The old gun-in- the-Maestro's-baton trick." "That's the second time I fell for that this month." "Unfortunately, your baton is empty, Maestro." "Cover him, Sid." "Drop the gun and stay right where you are." "Who's the ding-a-ling?" " He's The Maestro." " He's the top KAOS assassin." "He must be the one who shot Matusik." "And Miklis, Wolfberg, Casten and Frank." "Well, he certainly has had a busy week." "A busy day." "The Maestro thanks you for the introduction." "Nancy:" "I knew we should have gotten rid of them at the club." "I like them." "( giggling )" "No harm done." "We have them now." "I think we shall find an amusing way to assist them in their departure from this vale of tears." "What's he talking about?" "He's going to kill us." "Oh." "Kill us?" "For real?" "I'm afraid so, Sid." "Okay, that's it." "I quit." "Listen, pussycat, I'm not a real spy." "I sell bridal gowns." "If you're ever in Omaha, stop by and I'll give you a free fitting." "Shut up, dummy." "Dummy?" "Yes, well, when the man is right, he's right." "Enough of this." "We shall retire to my music room downstairs." "So this is what it's like being a spy." "Why did I come along?" "My armpits are starting to hurt me." "Stop whining." "It's not all gravy, you know?" "My magnum opus and your finale." "In a moment, I shall start the music." "You are familiar with "The 1812 Overture"" "by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky?" "When they recorded this, they used real cannons." "Now the final crescendo of these cannons will trigger this cannon." "It will be the last thing you will hear." "Are you kidding?" "When that thing goes off, the police force, the Army, the Navy and the Marine Corps will come rolling in here like oranges." "( laughs )" "Not with this silencer, they won't." "That's the second biggest silencer I ever saw." "You have exactly four minutes to live." "I shouldn't bother to scream for help." "These walls are completely soundproof." "Enjoy yourselves, gentlemen." "I shall be waiting upstairs with the ladies." " All right now, Sid, here's my plan" " Stop with your crazy plans." "Can't you see I'm trying to faint?" "All right, I'll do it myself." "Oh, the old false-hands- in-the-chain trick." "Oh, the old hacksaw-in- the-belt-buckle trick." "Will you shut up?" "Max, the record." "Hold tight, Sid, I'll have you loose in a minute." " ( record scratches )" " So what?" "That maniac is still outside." "If he finds out we're alive, he'll really kill us." "Max, do something." "Get us out of here." "Don't worry, Sid, I've got a great plan." "Good, good, good." "What is it?" "What is it?" "Yes, uh, well, here's what we'll do-- you'll run around the room yelling and screaming a lot, and I'll hide over in the corner." "Then when The Maestro comes down, he'll probably have a gun and he'll come over and you jump on top of him." "I don't think I like that plan." "Not too crazy about that plan." "Okay, I got another plan." "Here's what we'll" " I'll take off my shoelace, and I'll tie it to this table." "And then I'll hide under the cannon." "When The Maestro comes down, he'll see that I'm gone, and he'll rush over to you." "Good, good, great idea." "That's great, good." "You'll pull the string on the record player and then the music will stop, and then the canon will go off." "Good, marvelous, that's great." "Max, get me out of here." "Four minutes-- it is all over now." "( chuckles )" "You know, Sid, in a way, it's kind of a shame." "What are you talking about?" "If he'd had only used his baton for goodness instead of evil." "Oh, Max, you should be happy about finding the little black book." "And I'm certainly happy about meeting Sid here." "I am sorry I hung up on you on the phone, Max, but I did try to find you a nice date." "Let's get out of here, huh, honey?" "I think they want to be alone." "( clinks )" "( theme music playing )"