"Oh, Rory." "It's true." "I love..." "Who do you love, John?" "...you." "I love you." "Oh, God." "Unmarked police." "Aye." "(Mooing)" "You forget about Bruce?" "The place is a mess." "I'm sorry, Hamish, the chain came off my bike." " And Wee Jock needs feeding." " Come on, Jock." "Hamish, can I talk to you?" "Can it no' wait till we get rid of Bruce?" "I had a warning." " Aye, aye." " No, I'm serious." "A vision." "Aye, you're in it." "Me, I'm in it." "And I'm suffocating." "Drowning." "I don't know, Hamish." "It doesn't look good." "Funnily enough, I've had a vision." "In my vision, Bruce arrives." "Bruce arrives, we're in a mess." "That disnae look good." "(Man shouts angrily)" "There it is, Macbeth, the latest." "Can you no' just feel that processing power?" "Yes, sir." "Just waiting to be unleashed, eh?" "Oh, I'm putting one of these in every nick on my patch." "Nae mair mountain o' paperwork." "No, sir." "Those days are gone." "This is state-of-the-art technology." "It'll be a great help, sir, when the cases come flooding in." "You can also be online to Inverness 24 hours a day." "It's a very simple interface." "Cos you're not exactly up to scratch with your paperwork, you know?" "I gather we're still getting reports from you from September... 1993." " (Phone)" " I did try and explain, sir, about the typewriter problem." " Lochdubh police station." " Is your er, man John..." "Is he up to it?" " The administration" " Oh, yes, sir." "John keeps me in order." "Hamish..." "I suppose they put an arm through and unlocked the door." "We tend to leave the key in the lock, I'm afraid." "Uh-huh." "(Glass crunches)" "Irreplaceable, of course." "But insured?" "Yes, yes, there is that consolation." "Hamish, this gang that have been running amok all over the Highlands, as I understand it, erm..." " The Mob." " Yes, yes." "You think it could have been them?" " No." " Oh." "No, no, you see the Mob... would have spotted these for a start." "And er... most burglars tend to break in from the outside." " What do you mean?" " Well, someone" " I think it was you - broke the window from the inside." "See, most of the glass has fallen on the outside." "Plus you'd need arms, I'd say, at least about four feet long," " to be able to reach in from there." " Ah." "Financial difficulties, Major?" "Yes." "(Knocking)" "Mr McIver just phoned." "He said to say Bruce, is it, is on his way." "Well, you need to get rid of these for a start." "We've got a lot of work to do to avoid you being arrested." "I'll take that." "Back." "Right, Mrs Meiklejohn." "OK, where'd you put the silver?" " Er, stable block." " Good." "Right... we'll get it later." " We want the Inspector to find it." " I've already telephoned the insurance." "What?" "The cars are on their way." "Will they all be wanting teas?" "Er... yeah." "Right, we're ready." "Let me do the talking." "It's just that I like notice if there's to be a lot of teas." " The ice cream." " Ice cream?" "We didnae do the ice cream." "Come on." "Come on!" " Spoons, spoons." " Hm?" " Is it the best you want?" " I don't think it matters in this instance." "I don't, as a rule, use best in the kitchen but since you're here, Major." "Eat." "I wouldn't eat all that at once if I were you." "You'll make yourself sick." "(Bell rings)" "There." "Now, do you believe me?" "That is the front door bell ringing and that thing says "Billiard Room"." "Mrs Meiklejohn, wait a minute." " We don't even have a billiard room." " (Groans)" " (Retching)" " There, I told you you'd be sick." " Where have you been?" " Sorry, sir." "I was just er... digesting evidence at the rear of the property." "To the left." "What does this say to you, Macbeth?" "Italian, sir?" "For God's sake, man, do you no' read your bulletins?" " Er, maybe I've missed one or two." " Exact in every detail." "Two tubs of ice cream, two spoons." "I think it's them." " When did this happen, Major?" " Erm..." "The Major recalls hearing a noise late last night, sir." "Er..." "The culprits will be long gone, I'm afraid." "Major, you were the victim of the most wanted gang of thieves in Scotland, the gang the gutter press call The Raspberry Ripple Mob." "Gosh." "I think Macbeth's wrong, sir." "Some of this ice cream's only just melted." " I'd say they were in the vicinity." " Excellent." "This time we've got them." "Cronk, I want more men." "I want roadblocks." "I want the whole district sealed off, hook, line and sinker." "Oh." "What shall we have?" "Oh, I love those crumpety things." "Then crumpety things it is." " Quiet this morning, Mr Campbell." " I'm quite happy with my own company." "Uh-huh." "Oh, well, that's an advantage." "So it seems." "I was telling Esme how much I like your crumpets." "Can't get them in London." "Well, I'm glad somebody appreciates what I have to offer." "(Door opens)" "How did it go, then?" "Bruce is staying." " Sending for reinforcements, in fact." " Aye?" "He thinks we've got The Raspberry Ripple Mob in our midst." "And why would he think that?" "Don't ask." "How are you getting on with the computer?" "Well, it's not exactly my forte, Hamish." "Nah, I know." "Mine neither." "Isobel's gonna pop in, gie us a lesson tomorrow lunchtime." "Us?" "I've heard your "us" before now." "Och, look, John, I know you're no' keen but I'm under heavy pressure to get this admin cleared up." "Bruce wants everything logged into that computer." "Cross checks..." "I don't know." "What is it?" "Interfacing." "Look, I come in, I clean, I answer the phone." "What more do you want?" "Look, John, I need help with this administration." "I can't afford two people." "Well, I can't do three jobs." "No, no." "I know." "I'm sorry." "You're right." "John, look... is everything all right?" "You're half my age." "Do you know that?" " Aye." " And I clean your lavatory." " And I'm grateful for it." " And I feed your dog." " You don't even feed your own dog." " Aye, I do." "Och, John." "Look, I'm sorry." "I'm going to zap you with my laser phaser." "Boo!" "Urgh!" "Die then." "You're dead." "But I'm a fighter." "I came back to life." "Tell me about the oil tankers." "Not today, Danny." "I think they get a discount on Fords." "No, I told you." "I'm sorry." "I..." "Listen, can I just tell you all this is a sub post office." "I can't do your road tax here." "You have to go over to Cnothan." "And I can't do your car insurance or your MOTs." "Right." "But I believe the police will be checking TV licences while they're here." " Which one is it?" " The blue one." "Completely kitted out mobile incident room - phone, fax, computers, satellite..." "Do you think they get the Adult Channel?" "I'm just away to take a full statement from Major Maclean, sir." "Excellent." "Away you go." "Every detail you can get to feed into the system." "Sir." "So we file our reports and the insurers recompense you in accordance with your policy." "Of course, nothing can make up for the items that you lost." "No, no." "In the family for generations." "Er..." "I feel er..." "I feel somehow to blame." "No, you mustn't blame yourself, sir." "This mob refuses to be caught." "There's a considerable reward on offer and still we don't know a thing about them." "Ah!" "Er..." "Constable Macbeth, this is Mr er..." "Markwell." "Abercrombie  Markwell." "Loss adjusters." "Just been helping the Major with his insurance claim." "Hamish Macbeth, Lochdubh Police." "You got here very quickly." "Happily I was in the area." "Er, perhaps you could help me with a crime reference number in due course." " Yeah, aye, sure." " Thank you." " Right, Major, I'll say goodbye." " Yes, thank you." "Goodbye." "I don't believe it." "Why are you claiming the insurance?" " I couldn't tell him the truth, could I?" " I should have left you to get caught." "Wait a minute." "Is Alex in on this?" "No, no." "But she knows there's money problems?" "You've stopped paying her that allowance." "You're gonna have to tell her, at least about the debts." "I know, Hamish." "I know." "I..." "We don't inherit the land from our parents." "We..." "We borrow it from our children." "I..." "I've let her down." "The estate, I..." "I can't tell her." "Could you tell her, Hamish?" "(Knocking)" "Come in." "Hamish." "Hiya." " How's it going?" " What?" "I don't know." "The writing, the city, all that." "Good." " Good." " (Computer beeps)" "Is this the er... new novel, then?" "No, speech." "Esme's asked me to give out the school prizes." " They're pretty expensive, aren't they?" " Computers?" "Quite." "Why?" "Well..." "Well, what I mean is with all the added expense of living in London..." "Things are a little tight but my allowance covers it." "What?" "Do you think I stole the family silver in order to top up my income?" "Yeah." "Hamish... are you in debt?" "Is that what it is?" "Look, I can lend you some or I'll speak to Dad..." "No, no, no, no." "You don't understand." "What I mean is there might come a day... when you want to be financially independent from your dad." "What?" "And come and be dependent on you?" "Yes, I could come back and marry you and have children - three, I think." "No need to worry about a career." "I could clean the station..." " Come on, Alex, that's no' what I meant." " I wish you'd say what you do mean." "Things might be a little easier between us." "Aye." "See you later, eh?" "I'm sorry." "I just couldn't." "Just follow me down to the next room here." "We'll take some prints." "(Men chattering)" "We need to get rid of them before they tumble to us." " So what's the plan?" " I don't know." "I don't..." "I tell you I think..." "I think..." "we stage a bungled getaway, right?" "Bruce finds the abandoned car with the loot still in it, he assumes the thieves dumped it, round the roadblock and away." " Right." " Right." " I'll get you the silver." " Right." " That's the old way, Macbeth." " I just thought looking further afield, sir." "For a getaway car." "In the old days, aye, we'd be searching for the evidence but nowadays it's all psychological profiling." "What do we know about these characters?" "We've got to get behind them, know their hopes, their fears, where they go, what they do." "One thing we do know, we know what they eat." " Cronk." " Yes, sir." "Send for ice cream." "A lot of ice cream." "Yes, sir." "Raspberry ripple?" "Aye, and inform the Lochdubh Hotel that we'll be asking for their cooperation." "Ah, another dark rum and pep, Barney, please." "Aye." "What's that on your menu today?" ""Raspberry ripple ice cream."" "It's lovely." "We'll have a couple of dollops of that." "Right you are, Lachlan." "Thank you." "Er, Dad, I don't like ice cream." " Yes, you do, son." " No, I don't." "Yes, you do." "(Clattering of cutlery)" " There you go, gents." " Thank you, Agnes." "(Coins clunk in jukebox)" "(Theme from Walls Ice Cream advert plays)" "(Laughter)" "John, can you do me a wee favour?" " Aye, surely." " See that old car outside your place..." " Aye, the Lada." " The Lada, aye." " Can I borrow it for a couple of days?" " Why?" "Well, I need Bruce to think the Mob used it as a getaway car." " Why?" " So that he thinks they got away." " Then he goes away." " Absolutely." "So stolen yesterday, OK?" "What are you up to, Hamish?" "Well... it's probably best if I don't involve you any more than I have to, John." "Maybe I could give you a hand." "If you could help me with the admin, that would be great." "Listen, Hamish, this meeting with Isobel..." " Oh, Isobel, listen, I cannae be here." " Neither can I." " And why not?" " I've got other things on." "Other things on?" "Like what?" "Well, probably it's better if I don't involve you." "John?" "(Door closes)" "Hello?" " Hi, Isobel." " All set for your lesson?" " Er, well, there's a wee bit of a problem." " What?" "Well, John cannae be here." "Well, just the two of us, then." "No, no." "Look, I'm sorry." "I should have phoned you." " It's just not a good time." " Oh." " OK." " Do you mind?" "No." "I'll come back later." "Aye." "See you later, then." " That's me away, then." " Bye." "Bye." "(Knocking)" "Hello." "I was a bit brusque with you yesterday." "Sorry." "Brought a peace offering." "Lunch." " You've had lunch." " No, no, I was gan out." "Can I not tempt you with soup?" "And bread." "It's brilliant." "It's Italian." "Ciabatta bread." "(Italian accent) Ciabatta." "Practically live off it in London." "I was wrong, wasn't I?" "About London." "You know, I really thought you'd come running back." "Stupid." "You don't miss Lochdubh at all, do you?" "Only certain aspects." "And which aspects would they be?" "(Whines)" "Your dad really misses you, you know?" "And I miss him." "But I think he wants me to..." "It sounds clichéd... to have a life." "He always said he'd do everything... anything to give me the chance to do the things he never could." "I'm sure he would." "And I owe it to him, don't I?" "To make the best of..." "Although sometimes I really miss..." "Sometimes I think, you know, like giving out the prizes at the school." "I think this is where I belong." "Then why don't you come back for a wee while?" "You know, just make sure your dad's coping." " Oh, come on, Hamish." " What?" " You're not very good at this." " Good at what?" "Why can't you just say it?" "Just say what you mean instead of skirting around it." "You communicate directly enough with your body." " Yeah, well, you're the writer." " You're not very good with words." "Why can't you say you need me?" "See?" "See?" "This is why it never worked between us." "Because you think it's strong to say nothing." "The strong, silent type." "I'm sorry." "I can't be bothered with it." "I'm just saying I think your dad needs looking after." "Yeah?" "If you're so concerned about my dad, then you look after him." " (Knocking)" " John!" "Oh, Hamish, come on in." " Hi." " Hi." " Aye, is it the Lada?" " Er..." "No." "I think we should talk." "Uh-huh." "Can you no' tell me what the problem is?" "You've a problem wi' me." "I've no problem with you." " I thought we were friends." " We are." "So why don't you talk to me?" "Look, erm... what I said before..." "I really do need some help with this administration." "I mean, it's no' a lot." "Once the backlog's cleared with this computer, it shouldnae be much." "I can't do it." "You're no' giving me a lot of choice here, John." "And..." "And I know about the petty cash." "I know about the petty cash." "I cannot believe you would do that to me." "Why?" "I mean, how come you couldn't even put in an IOU or something?" "Right." "I don't think you should come back to the station." "I'll make up the money." " I'll repay it." " I'll make it up." "I'll repay it, damn you!" "I'd best get back and feed Wee Jock." "Do you still want the Lada?" " No, it's probably best if I don't..." " Involve me?" "Aye." "Here's the keys for the station." "I've let you down." " (Door opens)" " Pow-pow-pow!" "You two are dead!" " Got to die this time." " I'm sorry, John." "You never die any more, TV John." "(Phone rings)" "Hello?" "Yes." "What did you do when there was a tidal wave?" "Oh, there were a few big waves but never a tidal wave." "Did you watch TV?" "Is that why you're called TV John?" "Yes, I watch too much TV." "That's why I'm called TV John." "Ah, but there wasn't TV on the oil tankers, not in the old days." "Just weeks and weeks of sea." "The radio we had then." "And the other sailors, Danny, well, they read a lot of books." " But you didn't?" " No." "Because you're the captain?" "No." "I didn't stay on the tankers long enough to become a captain." "Why not?" "I would be captain." "Because sometimes you have to move on." "Where to?" "Well... you and me, we live in caravans, don't we?" "So we can move to different places if we want to, if things don't work out." "Well, now, some people, well, they can stay in one place but others just have to keep moving." "(Woman) Danny!" "Danny!" "Why do they?" "Well, it's like the shark." "The shark has to keep moving, because if he stops, he can't breathe." "So he just has to keep on swimming." "(Woman) Danny!" "Danny!" "Bedtime!" "Off you go home now, Danny." "Dinner, Jock." "Come on." "Hamish, I'm in trouble." " What?" " I had a telephone call." "I picked up the phone and the voice said, "I know what you've done."" "Oh, God." ""I know what you've done." "Give me the goodies and I'll keep quiet."" "Oh." "God!" "What am I going to do?" " Why don't you give them the stuff?" " My silver?" " We're both gonna go to jail here!" " Hamish, I'm sorry." "This is a mess." " Did he name a place?" " Yeah." "Glenradach, 9:30 in the morning." "Right." "Right." "Look, I suggest you leave before somebody sees you here." "Will you be there?" "Aye, I'll be there." "I've just come to see you." "I've come to tell you that I won't humiliate myself." "I'm not proud." "Never let it be said that Roy Campbell is pr..." "Well, I am proud and I won't humiliate myself." "Unless you want me to." "Is that what you want, Esme?" " What?" " To humiliate me?" "You see, the thing is, I..." "I know he loves you." " Who?" " John." "TV John." "Oh, God." "I've seen him coming here." "At night." "Why didn't you say?" "I could have explained." "Too proud." "Oh, come here." "Sausage." "Sweet one." "Yes, Babycakes?" "Our favourite." "Oh!" "Oh!" "DS Cronk to all units." "DS Cronk to all units." "Open wide, my pussy cat." "You, too, my pleasure panther." "(Growls playfully)" "Argh!" "Argh!" "Arrrgh!" " Morning, John." " Morning." " Esme not in?" " No." "Oh." "I wanted to try my speech out on her." "I'm giving out the prizes at the school." "Oh, well." "Pop back later." "Miss Alexandra." "Could you help me with a letter?" " A letter?" " Yes." "For Hamish." "Yes." "(Door opens)" "What?" "No ciabatta bread?" "That's very funny." "You know what the sad thing is?" "People really care about you and you just push them away." "So what is it?" ""Dear Hamish, I'm so sorry about the money." ""I needed it to pay Esme who was giving me lessons." ""Reading lessons." "I never learned." "I always managed before." ""I never thought I was going to be found out." ""I moved on." "This time I wanted to stay." ""But you needed help with your admin and the computer was coming," ""so I started seeing Esme." ""I hoped I could learn in time but you can't teach an old dog new tricks," ""so that's me." ""That's why I didn't put in an IOU in the tin." ""I'm sorry I let you down." ""I'll send the money when I can." ""Godspeed till we meet again, if not in this life, then in the next." ""Your friend, TV John."" "Wanted to sign it himself." "Why didn't he say anything?" "Did he say where he was going?" " Did you see which way he went?" " I came straight to you." "Oh, John." "Is it working now?" "Yes, sir." "Interview resumed, 9:07." "Mr Rory Campbell and Mrs Esme Murray remain present." "And me, sir." " What?" " And me." "You should really say..." "Apparently, you have an inordinate amount of raspberry ripple ice cream in your freezer." "Would you like to explain that, Mr Campbell?" " I've already explained." " He sells it in his shop." "We've had technical difficulties." "Could you say it again, please?" "I sell it in my shop." " It's flavour of the month." " (Beeping)" "Cronk!" "Excuse me, sir." "Interview terminated due to an interruption by PC Hamish Macbeth." "Sorry, sir, but I'd like to recommend all possible haste in the apprehension of TV John McIver." " Your TV John?" " Yes, sir." "He was seen leaving Lochdubh this morning in suspicious circumstances." "He's pulling his trailer in a cream Lada." "He was spotted going into suspect Murray's house at night, apparently." "Suspect Murray's house?" "Why didn't you say?" " I..." "I thought." " Leave this to me, Macbeth." "Contact the roadblocks." " Find out which way he went." " Right." "Music and lights, please." "(Sirens)" "Music and lights." "Aye." "(Sirens)" "You think I mind being in your way?" "I've been in the way all my life." "You can wait." "What's the matter with the man?" "Mm. (Smacks lips)" "(Sirens and horns blaring)" " TV John." " Aye." "The police are always in a rush." " Aye, right enough." " They'll never die in their beds." "Aye, you're right there." " Can we no' cut him off?" " This is the only road north." "Get out." " Sir?" " Get out." "You can run quicker than this." "Oh, I don't think so. (Chuckles)" "(Major) What do we do now?" "I don't know." "(Man) Thank you for coming, Major." "Constable, I'm armed and dangerous." "So, please, don't get any ideas." "I've got evidence that would send the Major to prison for a very long time and we can't have that, can we?" "So... just leave the goodies on the ground, please, then get back into your cars and drive away." "We've no choice." "What's the matter with the man?" "Can he no' read?" "We've got him now." "Kill the music, thank you." "Hamish!" "Know thine enemy, Major." "So you are going to stop him?" "You don't get it, do you?" "We're as guilty as he is." "We cannae touch him." "(Smashing)" " I suggest you were never here, Major." " Right." "You idiot!" " Book him, Cronk!" " Yes, sir." "(Hamish) Wait, wait, wait." "He's er..." "He's led us to our man." "I should have known he was trying to tell me something but I wouldnae listen." " He was making off with his trailer." " Exactly." "The only way..." "The only way to get us to follow him out here." "Yeah?" "There we are, sir." "This is just how Mr McIver described it to me... in his vision..." "but I wouldnae listen to him." "He was involved in it." "The Major." "Did the Major do the Craigside job?" "The Achmore job?" "No." "I don't think so." "Book him, Cronk." "I gather we owe you a debt of gratitude, Mr McIver." "John." "Why didn't you tell me?" "I've spent a lifetime trying to cover it up." "I'm illiterate." "It's the one word I can spell." "Illiterate." "It's spelt ignorant." "Unemployable." "Is that right?" "Well, do you know what this spells?" "This spells... please come back." "I'll do my own administration." "I'll get rid of the computer, John." "I'll even clean me ain toilet." "Please." " Oh, there's just one thing." " What?" "I cannae feed my own dog." "He'll only take food from you." "I trained him well, didn't I?" "(Applause)" "Thank you." "It's a great honour for me to be invited by Mrs Murray to present the school prizes today." "And it wasn't so long ago that I was sitting where you are with my friends, wondering what some stuffy old lady was talking about up here on the stage and thinking... thinking, "What on earth has that person got to do with me?" ""I'll never be a councillor or a magistrate..." ""or a writer."" "But here I am today doing something I thought I'd never do." "And although I'm not doing it terribly well and I'll probably have to run home to Lochdubh with my tail between my legs," "I am... a writer." "So my message to you is this." "Whatever your interest, this school has a lot to offer you." "Take it." "For me... it was the power of words." "Words are precious." "They're our most basic tool of communication." "If only people could say what they meant." "If they weren't so threatened by the truth." "It's those magic words..."I love you"." "Now, Mrs Murray taught me and you and many people here in Lochdubh how to read and write and I'd like to take this opportunity to thank her." "Now an essay prize, which this year goes to..." "Danny McLellan for his story" "The Shark Who Stopped Swimming And Survived To Tell The Tale." "Congratulations, Danny." "(Applause drowns Alex out)"