"You have come 1 ,000 miles to our temple." "It's lovely." " You require rest after your journey?" " Something to eat would be nice." "Tell us about your faith." "Tell us about reincarnation." "Our faith tells us to do good and live a life of selflessness." "If we live a good life, our essence passes to a higher form of being." "As a king or something?" "If we live badly, we return as a lower life form." "A chicken?" "Our television company will give $10 million a year to your monastery if we can acquire exclusive rights to your faith." "We'd like to film your lives and show which one of you is living the best and which is the worst." "What you ask is fraught with danger." "I ask you to trust us." "We're from television." "Television." "That should be all right." "(Armando ) In the popular Thai game show Buddhist Kings and Chickens," "Tenzin the monk is in the lead for refusing to tread on insects." "(Cheering)" "?" "We're so good at telly... ?" "For the rest of us, it's very difficult knowing how to live a good, moral life." "A woman in Bicester finds it hard to know which charity to give her money to." "Sod the deaf!" "And the scouts!" " Sod them!" " Can we blame her?" "A man from Durham raises money by running marathons dressed as a canary, but thinks he'd raise more if he ran faster and spends £3,000 on canary shaped Lycra." "Has he really got it completely wrong?" " I pass a beggar in the street." " Spare any change, mate?" "Do I give him money?" "I spend three hours trying to decide." "Just some pissing change!" "WouIdn't you do the same?" "A quarry company in Stockton on Tees." "They have no orders, but get a contract to supply 1,000 little rocks a month to Saudi Arabia for stoning adulterers." "Can you see the pluses and minuses?" "I'm slightly concerned." "Would these actually kill a man?" "I suppose if thrown hard enough, yes." " Will our name appear at all?" " lt's with the legal department." " Our logo next to a dead face?" " l agree, that's not good." "But Russian missiles..." "They are missile makers." "We make walls." "In the end, I decide not to give him money." "I think it would go to your pimp." "But I worry he thinks I'm a bad person." "Next morning I show him a photo of me being great with children." "Then I bring a friend to tell him what brilliant company I am." " He always comes round..." " You'II agree I'm correct here." "The quarry company decide the rocks are excellent." "They make a choice and should be congratulated." "And that is why love is the greatest commandment." "So we must be prepared to forgive everyone, no matter what they may have done." "'This is really good.' 'l think this new priest is fab.'" "(Priest) 'l love these people." "I think they're listening quite hard.'" "So forgive everyone, apart from Myra Hindley, who strikes me as a nasty piece of work." " 'Good point about Myra Hindley.' - ln the name of the Father..." "'His grasp of Catholic dogma is fantastic.'" "?" "Oh, what fun We're all going underground... ?" " 'He is good at the guitar.' - 'l'm enjoying this song.'" "?" "They dropped their bombs... ?" "'That's the best church music I've ever heard.'" "?" "A phoenix in the ashes of the next world war!" "?" " Excellent sermon." " l'm glad you enjoyed it." " Would it be possible to get a copy?" " Of the sermon?" "(Priest) 'Wow!" "'" "Yes. I'll pop it in the post to you." " You're a good man, Father." " Thank you." " Inspirational, really." "And hilarious." " Bless you." "I can't claim divine inspiration for the punchlines." "I got them out of a joke book!" " No, but they really worked." " Yes, they work." " Jokes have a tendency to..." " Backfire in a sermon." " They can make people like you seem..." " Like an idiot!" "(Laughter)" "'Look at him, look at him.'" "We were wondering..." " Would you like to come across for..." " A drink?" "I'd love to." "So, what do you think of the changes I've made at the church?" " Great." "Brilliant." " Really, really." "I feel more inclusive just being with you here today." "Normally I'm on my own with only God for conversation." " How often do you talk to God?" " Daily." " What does he say?" " Christ knows!" "(Woman) 'l'm over here.'" "Bless you all, but really I have to go." "(All) We've got to go, too." "Oh, well, shall I get your coats?" "Would you all like to come back to the parish house for a coffee?" " 'What am I doing?" "' - (All) Yes!" "(Woman) 'l'm over here.' l'm a bit short of cups." "Does anyone mind mugs?" " (All) Guess who!" " l know!" "It's you!" "(Woman) 'His collar is detachable.'" " (Man) 'We're in.'" " Are you sure you want to do this?" "(All) Yes." "(Young woman) 'l can feel his neck.'" "(Priest) 'They're fantastic.'" " 'Tender as well as funny.' - 'lt's all on a plate for us.'" " Ooh." "Morning." " (All) Morning." " We won't be long." " OK." "Sorry about the queue." "(Priest) 'My God, there are so many of them.'" " Got some toast coming up!" " 'l'm going to make him lots of eggs.'" "Corn Flakes!" "(Priest) 'lt can't go on." "They've eaten my food." "'lt's a drain on parish resources." "It's wrong for a priest." " 'And yet it feels so right.'" " Who wants jam?" "'lf God hadn't meant me to love, 'why send these 40 people into my life?" "Why?" "'" "?" "You don't know what love is" "?" "You don't know how lips hurt... ?" "(Priest) will I see you tonight?" "(Man) Let's all go out for supper." "(Woman) We've booked a table." "(Man) We've asked our parents to come." "(Priest) 'Holy Mother of God, no!" "' (Man) We'II tell them you're a friend." "(Priest) 'This is a nightmare.'" "(Woman) 'l'm over here.'" "(Armando ) I'm really bothered by all the stuff in the world we don't need." "There's just so much waste." "I terrified myself the other day by trying to write down a list of all the things we don't actually need." "Things that, if they didn't exist, no one would miss them." "Basically, the Daily Express or the hovercraft." "Get rid of it." "The novels of Wilbur Smith." "Badminton, cummerbunds." "The song "Flash!" "Bang!" "Wallop!" "What A Picture!", the Bluetones." "The countries Chad, Paraguay and Laos." "Unnecessary." "In swimming, the butterfly." "Who actually swims like this?" "Today there's more to choose from than ever before, which increases the chances of us making the wrong choice." "We've got to think carefully about every purchase." "simply buying an aerosol is now an atrocity, giving skin cancer to lapland." "We still buy them, especially since if you buy two things tested on chimps' gonads you get one free thing that's killing live music." "Does that make everyone evil?" "I burst a bag of broccoli florets." "Is even Mike Tyson a potential rapist?" "It used to be easy to tell when people were bad." "They had blankets over their heads." "I don't want this." "But now I can't tell when I'm doing wrong." "(Crowd yells)" "(Man) Put it back on the right shelf!" "Why have you put it on the wrong shelf?" "You can't run from these issues." "?" "Africa, oh" "?" "Africa... ?" "'The British theatre, you hardly need me to remind you, 'owes an incalculable debt...'" "(All) Zoe Wanamaker!" "We love you!" "Let's move on to our internet strategy." "We've taken a big plunge in this and put 720 million pounds into launching our online service." "David?" "Let me start with our main web page." "Anyone logging on to Pearsons TransGlobal lnsurance clicks on this first." " lt's very informal." " lt's quite formal, actually." "Then they'll come through to this." " What's that?" " That's you." "I put some Flash animation to make you jump and also, if you click on there, then there, you turn around!" "And we can also turn you the other way." "See?" "I've done that for all of the employees." " (Man) That's 1 ,700 employees!" " l know. lt took me ages." "Let me show you this. lt's a good bit." "This is a webcam, constantly broadcasting a view of our offices." "I think many, many people will want to see that." " But how do we make money?" " Well, for a subscription, you get through to one of our two private webcams where you get to see us either in the gentlemen's toilets or we can click onto the ladies' toilets." "There we go." " lt's a bit limited." " No, it's not limited, actually." "I've put some audio files into it for sound." "David, this isn't selling insurance." " lt's rubbish!" " All right, all right!" "I'm not gonna show you any more if you're gonna be like that." " Did this cost £720 million?" " Yes!" "All right?" "You so, so backward...fannies!" " (Man) You spent all the money?" " Yes." "Could we get any back?" " No." " Oh, my God!" "Get on to Mike Figgis in Accounts." "We've now got more devices to help us than we know what to do with." "Everything is geared towards improving our quality of Iife." "This inevitably leads to us making compromises elsewhere." "There's a school near me just for the sons and daughters of holocaust deniers, but most parents send their kids there because of good results in biology." "With abortions now allowed on increasingly developed foetuses and euthanasia at the other end, pretty soon the only people left alive will be 43-year-olds." "(Yells) Use your own skip!" "Why use that one?" "Scumbag!" "I want to be seen to be leading a good life." "I want to be a person that is brought up at "This Is Your Life"ideas meetings." "But how?" "Over the centuries, morality changes." "Hundreds of years ago, it was considered OK to execute people for shouting in Rome." "And they were killed as painfully as possible, probably by grating them to death while their knees were being chewed by hogs." "Nowadays, we'd say that's barbaric and it's much better to kill someone by tethering him to an electric chair and passing electricity through his head and bones until he smokes, vomits, has his lungs turned into two boiling haggises," "and drops his hot piss and turds onto the floor in front of press photographers." "In that respect, we're much more civilised." "(Phone rings)" " (Man) Answer the bleedin' phone!" " No!" " Want a smack?" " lt's 8 o'clock and you ain't hit me yet!" " (Girl) Don't shout, Daddy!" " You woke the baby up!" " You sit on your arse watching Kilroy!" " My tooth's fallen out!" " What's that?" " Fucking hell!" "A rat!" "Get it out!" " That's all we need!" " Where did you get that?" "Come on!" "Where are you?" " Stop it, Daddy!" "Don't kill it!" " Look at this!" "It's the Tooth Fairy." "Get it out of my house!" " lt gave me a pound for my tooth." " Did it fuck!" "Move and I'll fuckin' do you in." " What did you do that for?" " For the pound!" "He's getting off!" " Don't let him go!" " Give me that, quick!" "Yes, nice one." "Come here!" " What's your problem?" "!" " Two pound!" "Nice one!" "Mary, hit me!" "You bastard!" " Come on, do it again!" " All right, babe!" "It's eight quid!" "I've got eight pound!" "Here at last I am in my first Christian encounter group." "I've decided I'm weak and feeble and need my local church to tell me what to do." "In the very early days of Christianity, the First and Second Century AD, most Christians, because they knew they were going to Heaven, were deeply annoying people." "Because they knew this happy fate awaited them, they felt they could go around banging into people without apologising and making fun of people's stammers." "I gather that the fate that befell many Christians at the Coliseum was, in fact, justified." "The church group told me that there's no easy answers." "In the end, we're all scum." "They explained that the beggar probably was collecting for his pimp and it was right to hose scum like that off the street, every Wednesday night." "An example of how scummy we are is that when we have a brilliant new invention" "like the internet or muIti-channeI TV, we use it to pump out porn." "Whatever the invention, we use it to disseminate pornography." "When man first invented the wheel, someone came up and said," ""Looks like a breast!"" "Shortly after that, lots of adolescents had wheels under their beds." "(Priest) 'l've been putting on pornographic masses for two years now." "'lt's worked really well. I like to think they're there for more than the cum shot." " 'That's just the icing on the cake.'" " Morning, Father." "Hello, Hugh!" "I was just wondering if we're all drowning in porn." "Come in." "Hugh, in the old days food was very different." "Beef was very scarce then, on account of infected animal feed." "So we all ate ostriches." "My dad had an ostrich farm." " Really?" " (Hugh) I used to help him." "I'd muck out the ostriches in the morning." "I remember one day someone said the high altitude bombing of Kosovo had been a limited success." "So we all went out and celebrated by killing an ostrich and boiling it in kiwi fruit." "We're all wracked with guilt." "I felt very guilty last week when I stopped my car at some traffic lights and a whole family of Kosovan refugees started washing the windscreen." "I didn't know if I should give them money or whether I should just drive on, or let them do it, but not give them money and in the end I just lost it and abandoned the car." "And I just ran to Leeds." "Er...but then the next day I thought I'd better go back and get the car." "When I got back, I felt terrible." "They'd done a great job on it." "It was sparkling clean." "They'd waxed it, polished it and given it an MOT." "In the end, I gave them 60 pence." "I did recently have a marvellous experience in the street." "One day I passed a mother and child who were glowing in front of a crowd." "They were eating two portions of fish and chips and five tiramisus." "I said..." "Won't you both be sick?" "No, it's funny. lf it was four tiramisus, I probably would throw up and none of these people would stand a chance, but five seems about right." "I said..." "How on earth did you find that out?" "And she told me why they weren't pigs." "(Woman) 'One day my husband came home in a hurry 'with something to show us.'" "(Boy) 'He wouldn't tell us what it was." "We just had to get in the car.'" "(Woman) 'He just drove off really fast.'" "(Boy) 'l asked Dad to slow down, but he said it was OK.'" "Then he just suddenly shot up to 90, 1 1 0." "He just kept on going faster and faster in a built-up area. 1 30." " Will you just slow down a bit!" " 1 50." "(Boy) 'Then we got to 1 64 miles an hour.'" " Stop!" " (Woman) 'Suddenly everything felt OK.'" "(Boy) 'lt felt like you didn't have to worry about going over the speed limit.'" "(Woman) 'We could see that at exactly 1 64 miles an hour 'you can go down any street and not crash.'" " (Boy) 'lt's the safest speed to go at.' - (Woman) '1 63 is deadly. lt's just stupid." "'But 1 64 is just right.'" "(Boy) 'The Police would recommend it if they knew." "'We suddenly understood everything." "(Armando ) The only other people to have discovered this were joy riders and drunks." "They'd found out you can be excessive if you get the quantity absolutely right." "I'd like to ask for a 63 percent pay rise." "I'm glad you've been so sensible, David." "Very judicious." "For exampIe, if you ask for a 63 percent pay rise, your boss will agree." "Ask her for a different high number and you deserve a bollocking." "I was going to ask for 27 percent, bearing in mind the year that we had." "Are you mad?" "In what kind of universe might that figure be remotely acceptable?" "No!" "Though all things are good in moderation... (Woman) I was thinking of eight." "...all things are better if you have a Iot, but it has to be a specific amount." "For exampIe, drinking 34 pints of lager has the same effect as a mug of HorIicks." "(Yawns) That's it. I'm off to bed." "Are you coming, darling?" "Yes. I'll just drink another 34 pints, then I'll be with you." "If you camp out for 22 days at Gatwick Airport, you will return more refreshed than if you'd been on holiday." "Eggs in a fridge for 1 3 months make the best omelettes." "If you have sex more than 32 times in an hour you will develop a very nice personality." "If you open a shop at 3.:42am, it will be inundated with customers, but you must get the amount right." "Miss it by one unit and it will be disastrous." "Look at Shane McGowan." "(Boy) 'The only problem was when we had to come out of 1 64 miles an hour." "'We nearly hit loads of things.'" "All right?" "This discovery is enough to help us live the good life." "My neighbourhood has eliminated all crime by getting police to pay criminals money not to break the Iaw." " Go on, take it!" " l've got a knife as well." "I'll give you some more for it." "Come on." "This has seen the crime rate go down in the Iast two months, though the annual police budget's gone by February." "On the streets, people no Ionger feel guilty about asking for things." "Now I'm happy to make answers up." "Never trust a man who tucks his jumper into his trousers." "The mob of women, men and toddlers, happily go after anyone who looks like they have a blanket over their head." "And I just leave them to it." "In the end, isn't it better to be happy than good, because it's more fun?" "Only two things in the world give us absolute, total happiness." "One is unwrapping a newly-bought CD, and the other is seeing other people fail."