"(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "(theme song ending)" "ETHEL:" "Yoo-hoo!" "You-hoo!" "Morning, Lucy, I brought up your mail." "Thanks, Ethel." "A bill, a bill, a letter for Ricky, an ad..." "Oh, a postcard, isn't that pretty." "Oh, it's from the Bishers." ""Dear Ricky and Lucy:" ""Having a wonderful time here in Miami." ""Leaving tomorrow for the uh, uh..." "Everglades." ""The Everglades." ""Ben has been fishing" ""and last week caught a 115-pound, uh..." "Sailfish." ""Sa..."" "Well, go ahead, tell me what the rest of the card says." ""Getting a wonderful tan." "'We'll call you when we get home next week." "Love, Edna and Ben."" "What time was it postmarked?" "4:30." "A.M. or P.M.?" "Really, Ethel, I'm surprised at you!" "You know, this is a federal offense." "If it wasn't for our friendship," "I'd turn you over to the FBI." "Thanks, terribly." "No, really, I mean it." "Reading another person's mail is just awful." "A person's mail is something sacred." "It's like, like a diary." "Why, Ricky and I wouldn't think of reading each other's mail." "Now, take this letter, for instance." "It's addressed to Ricky, and it's from the War Department." "Now, I'm curious, but I'm certainly not going to..." "War Department?" "!" "Gee, you don't think Ricky's been... been..." "Drafted !" "Oh, please, Ethel." "I, I wasn't going to say it out loud." "Oh, look!" "Cheap glue." ""You are hereby ordered to report to Fort Dix, New Jersey, Monday at 3:00."" "And it's signed, "Maurice Thompson," "Colonel Infantry Commanding Officer."" "It's true!" "Ricky's been drafted!" "Now, Lucy, you've got to be brave." "I'll be brave." "(wailing) ls that being brave?" "It is for a coward like me." "Oh, now, Lucy, pull yourself together." "You know what you ought to do?" "What?" "Go downtown and buy a new hat." "Oh, Ethel, please, don't make jokes." "I'm not joking." "It'll take your mind off your troubles." "No use sitting around here moping." "Well, maybe shopping would help, and while I'm downtown, I'll buy some yarn so I can knit Ricky some socks to wear with his uniform." "That's a good idea." "Now get your coat." "All right." "Oh, I got to glue this back together again." "I'll fix it." "I've had lots of practice at this." "Oh, all right." "Oh, you know, I know where there's a dilly of a hat!" "To take my mind off my troubles, you know." "Yes." "Yes." "FRED:" "Ethel!" "Hiya, Fred." "Hi, Rick, is Ethel up here?" "No, I haven't seen her." "She and Lucy must be out shopping someplace." "Uh-oh, that'll cost me." "Hey, we got a card from the Bishers." "They're in Florida." "Yeah, how do you like that guy catching a 115-pound sailfish?" "How did you know that he caught a hundred and..." "Oh, Ethel." "Some people build model airplanes." "Ethel reads postcards." "Oh, good, I got my orders to go to Fort Dix Monday." "Orders!" "Fort Dix!" "Hold on, Fred, hold on." "I haven't been drafted." "(whistles) Take it easy." "No, I'm just taking a show down there to entertain the boys, and you know how the Army is." "You can't even scratch yourself without orders." "A show!" "Hey, that ought to be a lot of fun." "Well, why don't you come along?" "You can do one of your old Vaudeville routines?" "Great!" "You know, I used to do a Civil War act in Vaudeville." "I played the North, and my partner played the South." "I still got the costumes." "Really?" "Want to do it with me?" "Why sure, I'll be perfect for it" "Stonewall Ricardo from south Havana." "I'll show you how the thing goes." "All right, Fred." "Hey, I can use that broom there for the musket." "♪ Ta da... ♪" "(humming "Dixie")" "Uh-oh, we're supposed to go out to dinner Monday night, but I'll just tell Ethel I'd rather do this." "Look, whatever you do, don't tell Ethel where you're going because if you tell Ethel, she'll tell Lucy, and Lucy will want to get into the act." "Well, why don't you let her sing a song or something?" "It wouldn't be patriotic." "Patriotic?" "Have you ever heard Lucy sing?" "No." "Our fighting men have been through enough." "Okay, not a word to Ethel." "I'll just tell her I'm not available Monday night, and I won't tell her why." "And boy, that'll drive her crazy." "Now, spread out and I'll show you how this thing..." " Okay." " Spread out." "I Ta da... ♪ (humming "Dixie")" " Hi." " Hi." "Ricky, did you read the mail, dear?" "Mm-hmm." "Well?" "Well, what?" "Well, was there anything interesting or different?" "No..." "Oh, oh, yes, there was something." "Oh?" "What?" "Ben Bisher caught a 115-pound sailfish." "Oh." "Don't you have anything else to tell me, Ricky?" "About what?" "About, about, about... (wailing) ...what's new." "Lucy, are you all right?" "I'm fine." "Well, honey, what are you crying about?" "Did something happen?" "Yes, yes, that's it, something happened." "Well, what?" "Well, I-I-I bought a new hat and I don't know if you'll like it." "Oh, honey, is that all?" "Well, let me see it." "Oh, all right." "Why, honey, I like it." "It's real cute." "I'm glad." "Hi, Ethel." "Hi." "It's all true, Ethel." "Ricky's been drafted and he's trying to spare me by not telling me about it." "(wailing)" "Oh, Ethel, you're such a good friend to take my troubles so hard." "Thanks, but I've got troubles of my own." "Fred just told me he's going with Ricky Monday." "What?" "He wouldn't tell me where, bless his fat little heart." "You mean, he's been drafted?" "No, they're not that hard up." "He must have enlisted." "(wailing)" "Ethel, we got to pull ourselves together." "If our men are going to be so brave and so wonderful, the least we can do is make it as easy as possible for them." "Yes." "I'm knitting some socks for Fred, too." "That's nice." "We got to be brave, Lucy." "Brave." "We've got to keep a stiff upper lip." "Stiff." "(wailing)" "Halt!" "Parade rest!" "♪ Ta da... ♪" "(humming "Dixie")" "Right shoulder, arms!" "One, two, three!" "No, no, no, no!" "Who told you to throw your gun away?" "I'm sorry, Fred." "Oh, you're sorry." "What good does that do me?" "Come on, now, try it again." "All right." "Left face!" "Forward march!" "Hut!" "Hut!" "Hut!" "Hut!" "(coughs)" "What's the matter with you, Ricky?" "Why did you hut it?" "I didn't hut it, I was coughing!" "Well, how can I know whether you're coughing or hurting?" "I don't know where you're going." "I'm going this way, and you hut, hut, hut." "You've been doing it all afternoon." "Now, what's the matter with you?" "Well, I'm sorry, Fred." "I just don't seem to be able to concentrate." "I'm, I'm worried." "About what?" "Well, maybe you can help me." "You've been married for a long while, haven't you?" "Now, why bring that up when we're having such a good time?" "Well, maybe you know women better than I do." "Lucy's been acting strange lately." "Strange?" "How can you tell?" "Look, I'm serious." "I mean, for one thing, sh-sh-she breaks into tears for no reason at all, and she seems terribly nervous." "And the other day, I walked into the room and she hid whatever she was doing behind her back." "It looked like knitting." "Knitting?" "!" "Yeah." "Well, Ricky, my boy, congratulations!" "Congratulations?" "Why, it's as plain as the nose on your face." "You're going to be a father." "Me?" "Father?" "When a woman cries for no reason, sits down and knits tiny little things, what else?" "Me?" "Father?" "Of course!" "Me?" "Father?" "Yeah, you father, Lucy mother, rne Tarzan!" "Oh, gosh." "Well, now that we've straightened out your paternal status, let's go on with the routine." "Okay." "Of course, it could be something else." "When are you going to take facts like I do, Ricky?" "Ethel is nervous and weepy lately, too." "She's been knitting little things and hiding them from me." "But you don't think that I... that I..." "No!" "Oh, no!" "Fred!" "Congratulations, old boy!" "Imagine that, both of them!" "I can't imagine it." "Isn't that wonderful!" "Let's give them a shower." "What for?" "I mean a surprise party shower." "And-and we can try our act out on the crowd." "All right, we'll give them a surprise party Sunday night before we leave for Fort Dix." "Good deal!" "Gee whiz, Lucy's going to be a mother and I'm going to be a father." "I know just how you feel, son." "Ethel's going to be a mother and I'm going to be a f... f... f..." "Ethel, does this look right?" "Right for what?" "Well, you don't have to get nasty about it." "I suppose yours is going to win a prize." "It's better than yours." "Let's see." "Yeah, I guess you're right." "Gee, I guess I'm past the sock stage." "I'd better try for a blanket." "I think you're past the blanket stage." "You'd better try for a tent." "Oh, well, I'm surprised we can knit at all, what with our husbands going into the Army." "Our two wonderful little boys." "Yeah." "Gee, they're so anxious to be good soldiers." "You know what they were doing when I went up to the apartment a little while ago?" " What?" " Drilling." " Drilling." " Yeah." "Marching up and down with a broom and a mop." "Aw..." "I wish there was something more we could do for them besides just knitting socks and tents." "I know, let's give them a going-away party." "A surprise party!" "Yeah, we'll give it Sunday night just before they leave." "That's a wonderful idea." "Who will we ask?" "Well, let's see now, there's the Sedgewicks, the Orsattis, the Bezelles, Billy Josefi..." "Ethel, do you think the boys found out" "about the party tonight?" " No." "They can't think about anything but going into the Army." "Yeah." "Gee, this is their last night as civilians." "Now, remember, we're not going to argue with them, no matter what happens." "I wouldn't think of it." "Where are they now?" "They're downstairs drilling." "Bless their little britches." "Now, here's the plan for the party:" "I told everybody that I'd leave the front door unlocked." " Unlocked." " Yeah." "And that they should tiptoe in and hide someplace." "How we gonna keep the boys occupied so they won't notice?" "Oh, now, don't worry." "We'll manage some way." "Who left this door unlocked?" "I don't know." "Listen, do you think the girls suspect anything about the party tonight?" "No, with all that knitting and acting like little mothers, they don't know anything else is going on." "Listen, I told everybody that I was going to leave the back door unlocked, and that they should sneak in through the kitchen." "So I want you to keep your eye on the kitchen door." "Well, how we gonna hide them from the girls?" "Well, look, whenever the people start coming in, we'll just have to figure out some way to get the girls back into the bedroom." "Watch it now, here they come." "I don't know." "Oh, hi, fellas." " Hi." " Hiya, girls." "(all chuckling nervously)" "(all start speaking at once)" "(knock at door)" "Did you hear anything?" "I thought I did." "(knock at door)" "I think someone's at the door." "I'll get it." "No, no, I'll get it!" "I'll get it!" "Oh, all right." "No, there's no one here." "Ricky, would you get me a drink of water, please, dear?" "Oh, all right." "I'd like a glass of water, too, Fred." "Well, I'll get them both." " No!" " No!" "I can't drink a glass of water unless Fred brings it to me with his own little hands." "Okay, I'll get them both." " No!" " No!" "Ricky..." "Ricky, honey, you wouldn't want me to have anything that you didn't bring me your little ol' self, now, would you, baby?" "Well, honey, what difference would it make whether I..." "Well, it does make a difference, though, honey." "I can't tell you exactly what it is, but there is a difference." "All right, all right." "Well, we'll both go." "LUCY:" "Okay." "Shh!" "Where?" "The closet!" "Shh!" "Shh!" "Who locked that door?" "Well, unlock it." "We brought you milk." "Milk?" "It's better for you." "Oh, thanks." "How's the milk, girls?" "ETHEL:" "Fine." "LUCY:" "It's all right if you like milk." "Uh, Lucy..." "Hmm?" "Your nose is shiny." "It is?" "I just powdered it." "Well, stand-stand still a minute, will you?" "I want to see how my hair looks." "Oh, you!" "Okay, I'll go powder it." "Ethel's nose is shiny, too." "It is not, is it, Fred?" "Well, I can't tell, there's such a bright reflection coming off of it." "Now, listen, Fred Mertz, it..." "Oh, all right." "I'll go powder my nose." "Where?" "The closet!" "Shh!" "Well, here we are." "Do we look any better?" " Oh, yes, fine." " Look great now." "Uh, Ricky, I'm thirsty again." "Would you get me a drink of water, dear?" "Well, honey, you haven't finished this one yet." "Oh." "More milk." "Ethel, you just had a full glass of milk." "I don't know why I seem to be so thirsty tonight." "ETHEL:" "I must have had something salty for dinner." "All right, all right, more milk, more milk." "I'll get you some more, too, honey." "All right." "Shh!" "The closet?" "The closet." "Here you are, girls." "Uh, Lucy?" "What?" "Your nose is shiny again." "Oh, now, Ricky, really, it couldn't be shiny..." "Oh, all right, dear." "And Ethel, your..." "I know, I'm going." "Where?" " The closet!" " The closet!" "Hey, Fred, come on, I got a wonderful idea." "Good." "(guffawing)" "Oh, Lucy, you're crazy!" "I'm glad you kids didn't lose your sense of humor." "Why should we lose our sense of humor?" "Yeah." "Well, you know how women act when they're in your condition." "My condition?" "What's my condition?" "Well, honey..." "The same as Ethel's." "Elhel's?" "Sure, we know all about it." "Come on, honey, sit down." "You have to take it real easy, you know, and have a good rest, be real comfortable all the time." "Fred, what are you talking about, condition?" "Come on, darling, sit down now." " Why?" " Just take it easy." "(humming lullaby)" "Coochie, coochie, coochie, coochie." "Now, wait a minute." "You guys act like somebody's going to have a baby." "Well, someone is." "(gasps)" "Well, don't look at me!" "(gasps)" "Well, don't look at me!" "Well, don't look at us!" "Well, what made you think anybody was going to have a baby?" "Well, what were all those little things that you were knitting?" " Yeah." " Knitting!" "Oh, honey, we were knitting socks for you and Fred to take to Fort Dix tomorrow." "Oh." "You knew about that?" "Yes, and we're just dying to see you in your uniforms." "Well, come on, Rick, let's put them on." "Yeah, we'll put them on!" "Let's go, Fred!" "We'll put them right on." "Oh, imagine them thinking we were going to have babies!" "Yeah, they certainly can jump at some wrong conclusions." "Yeah." "Gee, I wish there were some wrong conclusions that we could jump to." "RICKY:" "Are you ready, girls?" "!" " Yes!" " Yeah, we're ready." "Ooh, we're going to get to see our soldier boys!" "RICKY:" "Are you ready, Colonel Mertz?" "Colonel?" "FRED:" "Ready, General Ricardo!" "General?" "(humming "Dixie-v" "Ethel, they're fighting on opposite sides!" "(all laughing)" "Oh, Ricky, you should have seen the expression on your face!" "Well, honey, how was I supposed to know?" "Well, we all did some pretty fancy jumping to conclusions!" " You know what?" " What?" "We invited everyone here for a going-away party!" "No kidding!" "Well, you know something?" "We invited them over here for a shower." "A shower?" "(laughter)" "ALL:" "The closet!" "Oh, look at these poor people!" "Easy!" "Easy!" "Easy!" "Pull them apart!" "Pull them apart!" "Unglue, unglue." "Unglue them there, pull them apart!" "Oh, sorry." "(I Love Lucy theme music plays)"