"(barking orders)" "# #" "Well, I must say I'm shocked, Miss Vasey, utterly shocked, to think such a worthwhile cause as these dances I run for the morale of the American soldier-- our boys-- should go unpublicized." "Mr. Bender says you get enough free publicity after the dances with the complaints from the suckers who went." "Well, that hurt." "I must say, that hurt, Miss Vasey." "If it was your intention to hurt me, you've done a bang-up job of it." "Well, it's easy to see there's no sentiment anymore-- it's a commercial world." "Very well, I'll take an ad." "An ad?" "Oh, well, that's different." "Now, what are your rates?" "$200 a page." "It comes to $1.35 an inch." "All right, now, uh, take this down." "Fun, fun, fun!" "Sergeant Bilko's eighth annual Hollywood dance!" "Come one, come all!" "Dance with your favorite movie stars Saturday night at the Fort Baxter Recreation Center." "All your stars will be there" "Marilyn Monroe, Lana Turner, Ava Gardner, Susan Hayward," "Gina Lollobrigida-- they'll all be there... if they can make it." "That's good." "Now, you got it all." "That'll bring 'em in fine." "Uh, how much space do you want?" "One inch." "One inch?" "You can't get all this in one inch." "Well, let's not..." "let's not crack up." "We'll prune it down;" "it's very simple." "Let me see, what do I cut?" "(speaking gibberish)" "Oh." "They will come if they can make it." "If they can make it." "Cut that out;" "that'll save us some space." "Give me a red border line around it, and that'll feature it on the page." "But, Sergeant Bilko, promising all those movie stars-- we can't run a misleading advertisement." "Misleading advertisement?" "Miss Vasey, let me assure you," "I have written to every star on that list." "And I might tell you that each one of them has answered me." "Well, what did they say?" "Oh, that's gonna be the highlight of the dance, when I open the letters." "Really, Sergeant Bilko!" "But look, you're becoming..." "Please, please, let's not fall apart." "We'll change a lot of things if it's too long." "Gina Lollobrigida-- we'll take that out." "Oh, this is gonna kill Doberman." "I'll work on it." "I'll fix it up." "MAN:" "This way, everybody." "In here, please." "Outside, please, Miss Vasey." "But, Mr. Bender..." "Outside, please, and lock the door." "Uh, Mr. Bender, if you think you can keep the fact that we found uranium on Mr. and Mrs. Harris's farm a secret..." "Now, look, Carter, this is a scoop." "If we can just keep it quiet till my paper comes out on Monday." "Okay." "All right, wonderful!" "I want a picture of the presentation of the check." "Oh, fine." "All right, now," "I want a nice pose there." "That's good." "Now, remember, everybody happy." "Remember it's for $10,000." "So smile." "Bigger smile." "Bilko!" "Of all people to know!" "Mr. Bender, believe me, I didn't hear a thing." "Good!" "This Harris farm, that adjoins Fort Baxter, doesn't it?" "Bilko!" "May I have a few details for my story, please?" "Oh, yes, of course." "We get indications, Geiger indications, of uranium coming down to here... and... coming out here." "And all this area in the middle." "That's Fort Baxter, 2,500 acres." "Who can get on that?" "Yeah, who?" "Uh..." "Mr. Huff, I'd like to speak to you a minute." "Yes?" "Now, watch yourself, Huff." "If I know Bilko, he'll have your Geiger counter before you leave!" "# #" "Hey, it's a Geiger counter!" "You woke us up in the middle of the night" "to show us a Geiger counter?" "(mocking):" "You woke us up..." "Let's get one thing straight right away!" "This is purely and simply a volunteer operation." "If there are any of you men who do not wish to become millionaires in a few weeks, you're free to go." "The door goes both ways!" "But what is it, Sarge?" "What's the deal, Sarge?" "All right." "Now, listen." "I'll tell you what the deal is." "It means a million dollars apiece!" "It's always a million dollars!" "Why isn't it just a hundred thousand, so when it falls through, we don't lose so much?" "I'm warning..." "Oh, door." "It's Doberman, Sarge." "I caught him in time." "Sarge, I got to go on guard duty!" "This'll only take a minute." "Now, men, this is it in a nutshell." "Somewhere on Fort Baxter is one of the largest uranium deposits in the country." "Uranium?" "!" "Uranium!" "So what?" "It's government property, ain't it?" "Not after we get it condemned and buy it up at public auction at a few cents an acre." "Huh?" "Don't worry, I been working on this all afternoon!" "Sarge, are you sure?" "Now, look, during the night, somebody's got to carry this Geiger counter on every square inch, every square inch of Fort Baxter until this starts clicking." "During the night?" "Yes." "They're sure gonna get suspicious if they see somebody walking around the post in pitch dark with that strapped around 'em." "He could get shot by a guy on guard duty." "Not if this thing is being carried by the guy on guard duty." "But, Sarge, why does it always have to be me?" "Why is it you?" "Because you're the heart of the platoon." "Strap that on him." "And because if this were strapped to anybody else, it would look suspicious;" "it would sag." "On you, one more thing sagging, what difference does it make?" "Oh, it's nothing against you, it's your personality that counts." "Now, look, I want you during the night to cover every inch, and when that thing starts to click, throw your bayonet into the ground raise your right hand and say," ""I claim this land in the name of Sergeant Ernest Bilko" ""and the men of the Third Platoon" "Company B Mining Corporation."" "I claim this land..." "All right!" "Go." "Go, Columbus, and find us a new land!" "Men, that'll take him about two hours." "Two hours!" "Yeah." "Relish these two hours, gentlemen." "It's your last two hours among the have-nots." "OTHERS:" "Yeah... (crickets chirping)" "I can't understand it." "Saturday night, and not a light in Bilko's barracks." "Not a sound." "It's midnight, John, two hours after lights-out." "I still can't believe that those are crickets out there and not the clicking of a Bilko crap game." "Good night, John." "Good night, dear." "(crickets continue)" "Ah, so quiet." "So peaceful." "I wonder what he's up to." "Sarge, it's 4:00." "He's been gone four hours." "I knew he'd get lost in that pitch-dark." "Dillingham, Kadowski, fan out over the whole area." "Combat scout procedure-- find him!" "Sarge, I found Doberman!" "They got him?" "Come here." "Doberman!" "Doberman!" "Did you find it?" "Did you find it?" "It's too much for him;" "he's overcome." "Get me that brandy bottle from the survival kit." "Doberman, did you find it?" "Can you tell us?" "Does it start with a "U"?" "Where-where did you find it?" "Show us on the map." "Point to it with your nose." "Where?" "Give me that brandy." "Here." "You all right?" "Okay?" "Uh-huh?" "Can you talk to us now?" "You got something to tell us?" "Tell us." "Sarge, my feet hurt!" "Feet?" "!" "That's a sneaky way to get a drink of brandy!" "Now, listen!" "You get back out there..." "What's the use, Sarge?" "Sarge, he'll only get lost again." "It's impossible, Sarge." "All right, all right, quiet!" "There's one way to do this-- we got to do it like a military operation, you understand?" "Hey, can you fix him up so we can spot him at any time?" "Sure." "Yeah." "You can do that?" "Good." "I want you to arrange him that way." "Now, look, Kadowski and you, get in that jeep, get to the Signal Corp, and bring me every type of signal equipment you can get, on the double." "And the rest of you guys will all be on observation posts." "I'll run the whole detail." "At all moments, all eyes... right on Doberman." "# #" "(crickets chirping)" "(vehicle approaching)" "(vehicle passes by)" "John!" "What is it?" "It was a jeep, without lights." "Oh." "Probably the corporal of the guard." "Yes, I-I suppose so." "John, don't be so edgy." "Well, I'm sorry, dear." "It's so peaceful, so quiet that I can't sleep." "BILKO:" "All right, let's try it." "Good." "Palmer, you're a genius!" "I just hooked it up to the activator." "So when the Geiger counter starts clicking, the light will flash." "And the fuss they made about Edison, huh?" "Now, look, it's all in your hands." "We're gonna keep in constant communication." "Be sure and use your walkie-talkie, all right?" "Point him the way to go." "All you guys, observation points." "Go on." "Paparelli, stand by." "Stand by, Paparelli." "On the roof." "Watch it, he's leaving." "Alert all posts." "Attention all posts, attention all posts, he's just left the barracks." "Attention all mobile units, attention, he has left." "Keep him in constant observation." "The minute that light goes on, swoop down on him." "Bilko to Doberman, Bilko to Doberman." "DOBERMAN:" "Doberman to Bilko." "All right, now, listen, we've got you pinpointed on the map." "Now, you should be approaching the rifle pits." "Sarge, I can't see a thing." "Never mind!" "Just pay attention to directions." "Now, start zigzagging, which should bring you, to the parade grounds." "Can you see the parade grounds?" "No, too many trees." "Too many tree..." "Trees on the parade ground?" "He's lost!" "Listen!" "We lost you!" "Now, wait a second, there's something wrong here." "Now, we'll... we're gonna pinpoint you again, we'll start you over." "All right, now, tell me, where are you?" "DOBERMAN:" "I'm right here." "Here?" "Where is here?" "Where?" "!" "DOBERMAN:" "Here." "Listen, Doberman," "you still got the rifle?" "Yeah." "All right, is the safety click off?" "Safety is off, Sarge." "All right, now, aim the rifle in the center of your forehead..." "Sarge!" "Sarge, he'll do it!" "Come on, he knows I'm kidding." "Now, look, we're gonna start you all over again." "DOBERMAN:" "Should I put the rifle down, Sarge?" "Wait a minute, Sarge, look, he said he saw some trees." "Look over here alongside of Hanson's Creek." "See in the bivouac area?" "Right." "Attention, Doberman, now, listen to me closely." "You're in the direction of Hanson's Creek." "Stay away from there." "Danger." "Stay away from Hanson's Creek." "Now, to the left ten paces, you should run right into the corner of the parade grounds." "Ten paces left!" "DOBERMAN:" "One... two... three... four..." "Aaah...!" "(splashing)" "I heard a splash." "What is it?" "I heard a splash." "Wait a minute, he fell in!" "Doberman!" "Listen, Doberman, Australian crawl." "One, two, three, kick, one, two, three, kick..." "Attention all emergency units, ambulances, ride over to Hanson's Creek, get him out of there, get him out..." "Post seven, you're the closest." "Send up flares, send up flares." "Attention, if you lose each other, fire rifles into the air to relocate each other." "# #" "(siren passing by)" "(rifles firing, indistinct shouts)" "(loud whooshing)" "John!" "What is it?" "!" "What does that look like, a firefly?" "Get me the corporal of the guard!" "Corporal!" "Get me the man on guard duty!" "Doberman?" "Bilko's man?" "Send me Bilko, too." "I knew he was involved in this." "They way you jump to conclusions about that nice Sergeant Bilko." "I'll handle this, Nell." "(knocking)" "Come in." "Colonel Hall." "Sir, it's nice of you to ask me to drop in, sir." "Never mind." "Give me a commanding officer who takes time out to chat with the enlisted man, sir." "Bilko, what's been going on out there?" "Well, I..." "Oh, I beg your pardon, miss." "Who is this pretty young thing?" "Oh, Colonel, if your wife ever finds out..." "Bilko, not now." "Oh-ho-ho, bless my soul, it is Mrs. Hall." "And the fuss they make about Grace Kelly!" "(Nell laughs)" "Oh, you better watch out, they'll start calling you "Prince."" "Bilko!" "(phone rings)" "Oh, the phone." "Oh, well, take it in the bedroom, Nell." "If it's a man, I'll keep him occupied." "Bilko!" "Oh... she's a lot of fun." "Bilko, what's been going on?" "Ambulances, gunfire, flares!" "Oh, you noticed it, sir." "Did I notice it?" "No wonder the Army can sleep safely at night with a commanding officer alert to all details, sir." "Bilko, let's have it." "Sir, I'm guilty." "Guilty of having a conscience, sir." "You, a conscience?" "Yes, sir, you see," "I went over the records for the past eight years, saw we've been goofing off on night maneuvers and I'm making it all up tonight, sir!" "Bilko... it's 4:00 in the morning." "John, it's General Bufkin at Camp Crowley." "He saw the flares!" "He wonders if you need any help." "General Bufkin?" "How can I explain it?" "Well, just tell him we made a mistake in the calendar, we thought it was the Chinese New Year, so..." "Doberman!" "Where..." "The colonel wanted to see him." "Oh, yes, we have a way of dealing with soldiers who go for midnight swims." "I'll take care of this, Corporal." "I'll wait outside." "You're a bad soldier, but..." "Where were you?" "!" "Sarge, my feet!" "Stop with the feet!" "You got to get out of here before the colonel sees you." "He looks at you, he'll think that flying saucers have landed." "You know where the kitchen door is?" "Get out the kitchen door, through the back way, back to the barracks-- on the double!" "(Geiger counter beeping)" "Sarge!" "Shh." "Quiet." "I heard it." "Come back this way." "(rapid beeping)" "Hold it!" "(beep)" "(beep)" "(beep)" "(beep, beep)" "(rapid beeping)" "We found it!" "We found it!" "We found it!" "Wait till I turn it off." "That's it, the vent to the basement." "That's where the uranium is, under the basement!" "We're rich!" "We're rich!" "Shh." "Say it softly with me." "We're rich, we're rich." "We're rich, we're rich." "Oh, I knew it would happen like this." "In the dead of night, with a stalwart companion at my side." "We're-- let's hear it again." "(rapid beeping)" "Did you hear that, Doberman?" "It was playing our song." "Now, look, keep this quiet, just tell the guys in the barracks." "On the double, out the kitchen door." "Don't let anybody see you." "Tell the guys to be alerted with picks and shovels." "On the double." "Right." "Bilko!" "Bilko-- oh..." "Bilko!" "Sir." "What was that bleeping?" "(stammering):" "Bleeping?" "Yes, that bleeping." "Ble..." "I didn't want to tell you, sir." "Termites." "Termites?" "Yes." "The entire house is infested with them, sir." "I'm gonna see Captain Shaw the first thing in the morning to get this place condemned and sold at a public auction." "Condemned?" "What the public don't know won't hurt them, sir." "They've been rooking us long enough, don't you think?" "We'll condemn this place, build you a new place up on Observatory Hill." "A ranch house." "A ranch house?" "Oh, I see you in a ranch" "It's perfect for you, your wife will love it." "With a big wagon wheel on the lawn, sir." "Lariats hanging on the" "Oh, it's for you, sir." "# A horse and a man that rides him. #" "Yes, sir." "# #" "81-- that's incredible." "You want me to condemn area 81" "because of termites?" "Why, yes, sir." "It's very dangerous for the-- That's why the... you know?" "Well, that section includes the colonel's house." "The Col" " Oh, I must hurry and warn him, sir." "Bilko." "Why, sir, there may be nothing left but the colonel's buttons." "Bilko, are you insane?" "Well, sir, I read in the" "I read in the army manual there was a Camp Harlow, sir," "Oh, that." "that was evacuated overnight, when it was condemned." "Yes." "They discovered it was sinking into quicksand." "That was something else." "Quicksand." "Oh, that is something else." "Well, sir, I must reassure the colonel." "Thank you, sir." "Yes, Captain, the bridge game is on as usual." "See you." "(knocking on door)" "Come on." "Colonel Hall, sir." "Oh, what is it, Bilko?" "I have some very reassuring news, sir." "I just came from Captain Shaw's." "He assures me there are no termites in this house." "No termites." "Yes, the one thing termites will stay away from, sir, and that's quicksand." "Quicksand?" "Oh, it slipped out." "Sir, I didn't want you to know." "Pay no-- ooh!" "There it goes." "It's sagging, sir." "Bilko." "Oh, no." "What's the matter?" "Nothing." "Forget anything I said, sir." "I don't..." "Bilko." "Isn't that unusual, sir?" "What, what is it?" "Nothing, sir." "It usually goes straight down." "So, wasn't this once a two-story house?" "Bilko, are you all right?" "Oh, yes." "Just worried about you and your beloved wife, sir." "And believe me, if anything goes wrong, run up to the roof, sir, ring this bell." "My men are alerted, sir." "Ring this bell?" "And please, sir, no false heroics." "I know how you are." "You'll want to go down with the house." "Don't do it, sir." "We need you here, sir." "Bilko, you need a rest." "No, sir." "Now, listen..." "A rest when you're in danger, sir?" "I have my men alerted." "Their trucks will evacuate you in 20 minutes, sir." "Nonsense." "We'll get everything-- all we want is you out of the house." "So, the basement." "We need..." "Bilko, this is Sunday." "This is my bridge night." "I don't leave the house." "But, sir, we just need a few hours in the basement." "I don't leave the house." "But, sir, it's for your own..." "I don't leave the house." "You don't leave the house." "You don't leave the house, sir." "I-I know that." "You, you never leave the house." "Hello, Camp Crowley, this is Sergeant Bilko at Fort Baxter." "Let me talk to your commanding officer, General Bufkin." "You got the picks and shovels?" "Right, Sarge." "Look, Sarge, we can't dig in the colonel's basement while him and his wife are in the house." "Please, please." "The colonel and his wife are going out tonight." "(phone ringing)" "Hello?" "General Bufkin?" "Sir, this is Sergeant Bilko at Fort Baxter." "Would the general mind calling Colonel Hall and telling the colonel when the colonel and his wife are expected at your house for dinner tonight?" "Dinner tonight?" "!" "Hold on, Sergeant." "Elsie." "Yes, my dear?" "You know this is my night to bowl." "You didn't tell me that you invited the Halls for dinner tonight." "The Halls for dinner tonight?" "Yes." "Oh, dear, did I forget?" "Oh, you always forget." "Thank you, Sergeant." "I'll let him know." "Now we're stuck with the Halls." "He'll insist on doing his barnyard imitations again." "Sometimes I wonder." "(phone ringing)" "Hello?" "General Bufkin?" "Say, Jack, is 7:30 all right?" "Fine." "7:30?" "Yes." "We'll serve dinner at 8:00." "Dinner?" "Uh, excuse me a minute, General." "Nell?" "Yes, dear?" "You didn't tell me the Bufkins expected us for dinner tonight." "You know this is my bridge night." "Dinner?" "Yes." "And he'll start insisting on my doing those barnyard imitations again." "Elsie did mention our getting together, but if..." "But we're stuck." "7:30, fine." "We'll be there." "Well, glad you remembered." "Remembered?" "Why, we've been looking forward to it for weeks." "Uh, dress uniform?" "Of course." "Dress uniform." "Of all the nights to have to go to the Bufkins'." "(knocking on door)" "Come in." "Sir, staff car is waiting." "Magnificent, sir." "Magnificent." "Why, in France, your tailor would be knighted, sir." "Personally, I would've liked a belt in the back." "It would've been..." "Oh, turn off that beauty." "Oh." "It's too much." "Let's go, Nell." "Go and have fun." "Have lots of fun." "And remember, right to the General's house." "No stopping in Lovers' Lane." "(Nell giggles) -(Bilko chuckles)" "Don't worry, I'll lock up." "Have fun." "(whistle blowing)" "Down." "Okay, Sarge." "Down." "Get down there." "Come on." "You know what to do." "(rapid beeping)" "Turn that off!" "(drilling)" "Now keep all those things up." "What's the use, Sarge?" "Shut up." "We're too close to quit now." "Close to what?" "We got a six-foot hole and it's still concrete." "(rapid beeping)" "Turn that off!" "All we need is a specimen of the dirt to show Mr. Huff and we're home." "Hello, Construction Corps." "Let me talk to Sergeant Peterson." "Oh, hello, Sarge." "This-this is Bilko." "I'm in a spot." "I need some small demolition charges." "Dynamite?" "Look, Sarge, we got a six-foot hole in that basement..." "Will you be quiet?" "This house is practically condemned now." "You got 'em?" "Good." "I'll send Rocco right over for it." "Look, Sarge, dynamite..." "Now pick me up some picks and shovels on the double." "(barks order)" "That's it, boys." "The minute that dynamite goes up... (mimicking explosion)" "And there it is." "Right at our feet." "Uranium!" "A million dollars." "A private yacht." "The Riviera." "Orthopedic shoes." "Come on, come on, go ahead." "Why, John, you forgot to turn the lights off." "Who cares?" "I'll call Captain Shaw and tell him the bridge game is on again." "Oh, I think it's a shame that General Bufkin was called away so suddenly to Washington." "Don't you?" "Yes, isn't it?" "(chuckles)" "Captain Shaw." "Look alive, you guys down there." "Come on, hustle." "The colonel may be back any minute." "Hello, Sergeant Peterson, did Rocco get" "Never mind he's here." "Come on, let's go." "Come on." "Yeah." "Did you get it?" "Let's move it, move it, move." "Come on, come on." "Move, move." "Now listen, you guys." "Now hear this." "We got all the demolition charges." "You've all got detail." "Now we gotta work fast." "You gotta put this over..." "Bilko!" "Hello, sir." "You're back rather early, aren't you, sir?" "Well?" "General, I know just what you're thinking, sir." "You do?" "You're thinking-- what did you do to deserve this love and devotion from the men under you, sir." "I am?" "John?" "Oh, Sergeant Bilko!" "Lovely, lovely!" "Bilko!" "Now, what's going on here?" "I've..." "(drilling)" "(screaming)" "Please, don't be alarmed." "It's just the beating of some hearts anxious to please." "That's all." "Bilko, I want to go-- know what's going on in my basement." "Sir, it's just the expression of love from the men under you, sir." "Bilko, I want to know what the men under me are doing under me." "(laughs)" "Oh, does he put words together." ""The men under me doing--"" "He is funny." "Quiet!" "You admit that, he's funny." "Quiet." "Well, sir, I was gonna keep this as a surprise, but you might as well know." "The men, as a token for their esteem for you in their own time, are taking your unfinished basement and turning it into a game room, sir." "Game room." "Yes, sir." "I know it doesn't seem like much to you, but it is the expression of love from all of us." "I mean, are we rich?" "Can we lay gold and silver at your feet?" "No." "All we can offer is the honest sweat of our brows, and these eager hands." "A meager gift perhaps, but it's all we have." "All we have to show you our extreme love and devotion to you." "John, that's the most beautiful thing I ever heard." "Bilko..." "I'll always remember this moment." "(explosion) -(screams)" "Bilko, what is that?" "Oh, isn't it thrilling?" "They're putting in the Ping-Pong table." "The Ping-Pong table?" "Yes, sir." "You see, they had to lower the basement quite a few inches" "You know those overhand smashes of yours, sir." "After all it wouldn't look nice." "A commanding officer with no knuckles." "Bilko, I'm going to play bridge." "And you're gonna join us." "Oh, good." "Oh, sir, no, the men- the men need me, sir." "That's an order." "But, sir, I-- Look alive down there." "Let's not dig too deep." "We don't want to give the colonel the bends." "(chuckles)" "Yes." "They may run into that radioactivity down there." "You may run into the radioactivity, because the colonel is back." "(Hall humming)" "Radioactivity, sir?" "Yes, the overalls." "Yes, those ov..." "overalls, you know." "(all laugh)" "Sir... what overalls?" "I thought you knew." "During the war, they had some atomic tests here." "And they took the workmen's overalls that had any radioactivity in them as shown on the Geiger tester and, uh, buried them." "Under 15-feet of concrete." "It's, uh it's your bid, Nell." "One club." "Uh, four spades." "Oop!" "Oh, it's all right, Corporal, I know all about it." "When will the playroom be finished?" "Playroom?" "Yeah, you know the playroom." "You know, all you gotta do is fill in the holes, even out the panel, you know." "Get the Ping-Pong table in." "Ping-Pong table?" "Yeah, it's the one we're getting from Company A." "Yeah, go, come on, get" "What's that?" "Oil?" "Yeah, that's what I've been trying to tell you." "She!" "Oil?" "Oil." "It's coming up..." "Get back there and dig." "Dig." "Dig!" "(barks orders)" "Dig?" "Oh, yes, sir." "I thought while we're at it, we'll give you a swimming pool." "Nothing like a nice dip after those hours at the Ping-Pong table." "Oh, I hope they don't hit that pipeline." "Pipeline?" "Yes, they ran a pipeline of oil under here to the powerhouse." "I can't remember when I played three-handed bridge." "Yes, it's been years since we've played with a dummy." "Colonel... you're playing with one tonight." "ANNOUNCER:" "Also in tonight's cast" "Hope Sansbury appeared as Mrs. Hall."