"When you think about it, aren't we all special needs?" "I mean, we have this set of ways we want to be treated, right?" "But the question is, is it real or is it just a reaction to life constantly disappointing us?" "Of course, we blame those who are closest to us for our misery, instead of taking responsibility for being unsatisfiable dick nuggets." "We say, "Hey there, person I love," "I'm unhappy, so clearly you're failing me."" "My wife is miserable, and instead of dealing with her own malfunction, she fixates on some minor financial trouble I had." "So not only am I now not allowed to spend more than 25 bucks on anything fun, she requires me to haggle for everything." "I'm a happy dude." "But Bec, she's this angry bee swarm." "And instead of actually pollinating some goddamn flowers, she finds me enjoying life and knows she can't have that." "So, buzz!" "Sting!" "Aah!" "Anyway, so how 'bout $40?" "It's $60." "Had to try." "(shouts)" " (moaning) - (laughing)" "You guys sure came a long way for a bassinet." " My glasses!" " VERNON:" "Oh, when Bec wants something..." "Doing good, bud!" "I broke my glasses!" "When's the baby due?" "I forget." "Whenever." "Hey, shoot me a text confirming that I tried to haggle with you." "Shotgun!" "I called shotgun!" " I'm driving." " So what?" " I still get shotgun!" " (groans)" "♪ ♪" "(sighs)" "♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪" "♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪" "♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪" " RADIO HOST:" "You're listening to Folio." " (harmonica playing)" "I'm Steve Cornelia." "Up next, we'll talk to the ambrosial Jay Becanerny." "I've known Jay since we were both fact-checkers at the" "(radio turns up):" "New Yorker." "The year, I shall not reveal, but suffice it to say that we each carried... (radio turns down)" "(radio turns up)" "(clears throat) Well, I have to say we've made good time." "I believe we'll beat my estimate home" " (blowing nose) - by 25 minutes or so." "Road trip bonus time." "Let's do a bunch of fun shit." "First we got to get a Blizzard." "You put some rum in it, you call it a rizzard." "If you put gin in it, gizzard." "Put wine in it, it's a wizard." " Yes!" "See?" " (chuckles)" "This is what it's all about, family hang, making mad jokes, dicking around." "So boss." "I love it, I really do." "("Lido Shuffle" by Boz Scaggs plays over radio)" "♪ At a tombstone bar ♪" "♪ In a juke joint car ♪" "♪ He made a stop ♪" "(singing along):" "♪ Stop ♪" "♪ Just long enough ♪" "♪ To grab a handle off the top ♪" "♪ Next stop Chi Town ♪" "♪ Lido, put the money down ♪" "♪ Let it roll ♪" "♪ He said one more hit ♪" "♪ Ought to do it ♪" "♪ This joint ♪" "♪ Ain't nothing to it ♪" " ♪ One for the road ♪" " Stop." "♪ Lido ♪" "♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh ♪" "♪ Oh, oh ♪" "♪ He said one more ♪" "(sustained):" "♪ For ♪" "♪ The road ♪" "Scaggs, check it." "(off-key harmonica playing)" "(music and harmonica stop)" "I did a list of cool road trip stuff." "Check it." "Strawberry patch, Pea Soup Andersens." "You got to get some pea soup." "Michael Penn is playing at the Morongo." "I promised Lindsay I'd be home in two hours and 12 minutes." "Fine." "I'll get the gas." "Thanks." "I'll get provisions." "Get some Mambas and some Red Vines." "And some Blammos, whatever flavor." "But make sure it's something really messed up." "Oh snap, free blue paper towels." " Cool look, Corey Hart, - (phone ringing) singer of "I Wear My Sunglasses at Night."" "They're prescription." " (laughs)" " Shh." "LINDSAY:" "What?" "Hello, my love." "You're on speaker phone." "No, I'm not, my ear's on the thing." "(chuckles)" "We've successfully picked up the bassinet." "We should be home in the next two hours or so." "You're not here?" "What?" "(chuckles)" "No." "Don't forget, Raul is coming at 7:00." "That's tonight?" "Can you postpone?" "Can you pick up some lube," " diet sun..." " Lindsay?" " (Siri beeps)" " Call Lindsay." "SIRI:" "I found Lind Ski Resort nearby." " Ugh." " (Siri beeps)" "Call Lindsay." "Dang it." "Damn, damn!" " (car sputters)" " What?" " Don't!" "No." " VERNON:" "Stop it." " Cut it out." " PAUL:" "Vernon, it's stalling." "VERNON:" "Oh." "(groans)" "Great." "Nice job, fa... (coughs)" "I swear you can taste each individual flavor in these seven-layer dip Blammos." "How do they do that?" "One, beans." "Two, cheese." "Three, guac." "Four, sour cream." "Five, salsa." "Six, black olives." "You sure you don't have a signal?" "What's the seventh layer in a seven-layer dip?" "Why can't I remember?" "Come on, brain." "Aw, man." "Now I'll never figure out what the seventh layer is." "What's the seventh?" "This is a disaster." "(spits)" "All right, if you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?" "Go." "Where would you live?" "Go." "Paul, go." "I don't feel like playing games right now." "(spitting)" "What are you doing anyway?" "What's it look like, idiot?" "I'm messing with these ants." "Would you help me?" "With what?" "We have no cell." "No one's coming by." "You're not doing jack." "(continues spitting)" "No, man." "I'm thirsty." "I ate too many Blammos and I spat on these ants too much." "You got any water?" "I drank all my sodas." "No." "I hear a creek." "You can't drink creek water." "It's not safe." "Nah, I can't get sick." "To build my immune system," "I lick weird stuff at the hospital all the time." "In surg, they say scrub up, I just fake go through the motions." "Come on." "That's to protect the patients." "Agree to disagree." "♪ ♪" "(leaves rustling)" "VERNON:" "How'd they get so mean?" "Both of them." "Mean-ass sisters." "We goofed, Paul." "We married a couple of straight meanies." "My family growing up was problematic too." "Is that right?" "I just said it was." "Yeah, my parents never bonded with me on account I was born dead." "So, emotionally, they already buried their son, but then oh, shit, dude's alive." "Your parents suck too?" "No." "They were quite advanced in years by the time I came around." "My siblings were already out of college." "My nephew though, he's six years older than me." "He was like a father to me." "He taught me a love of the natural world." "My nephew gave me my first beer." "Can you imagine that?" " (laughs)" " Ah." "Father was a kind soul, but he just wanted to sit quietly and rest his eyes." "Anyway, that's why I'm so excited to be a young father." "What?" "You're like 50." "I'm 35." "No." "No way you're younger than me." "But I am." "No way." "That's insane." "Ask anyone." "That is crazy." "Look at you." "You're insane." "I'm five years younger than you are." "Yeah, okay." "Whatever." "Impossible." "Yes!" "VERNON:" "Water skeeters," "I'm-a spit at you!" "(Vernon chuckling)" "Oh, my." "I think..." "Yes!" "Vernon, it's a Squant-Billed Bushtit!" "A what?" "A Squant-Billed Bushtit!" "Oh, man." "I can't even." "Oh, look at him." "It's rare to see a male calling out of mating season." "You see, once a male mates, he falls silent." "He spends all his time tending to his mate and her chicks." "Eventually, mute and unneeded, he jumps from the tree and does not fly." "You're harshing my swim." "Boy, he would've been a good find." "Except I gave up my big year because of my unfortunate knife accident." "(laughing)" "Are you done?" "Yeah, I guess so." "I'm pretty full." "Which way back?" "That way." "(yells)" "Don't throw pinecones at me." "You got us lost." "You're lucky I'm only throwing pinecones, shitlord." "(yells)" "(grunting)" "(sighs)" "Can you just admit that we've been walking around in circles?" "I've become too reliant on apps in recent years." "Uncle Nephew taught me solar location." "He'd put me on his lap and point to the sun and say," ""That's the only tool you'll ever need to get where you want to go."" "Normally, I'd slap the shit out of you for talking like that, but" "I am having fun." "(grunts)" "(imitates explosion)" "Come on!" " We're men..." " Hey." "...out in nature, away from the sisters Cottumaccio." "Ugh." "What a sonically displeasing last name." "Isn't it?" "They're lucky to take our dope-ass names." "Now, shh." "I have to concentrate." "As it is, I'm going to be terribly late to get home to Lindsay." "And Raul." "What?" "She said Raul was coming over." "Who's Raul?" "No one." "TV repairman." "Now, come on." "This way." "Is the seventh layer corn chips?" "Nah, that doesn't count, damn it." "We should bunker down for the night." "No, we can make it." "Even if we knew which direction to go in, which we don't, 'cause your gross adult nephew clearly just put you on his lap so he could rub his dick on your butt, it's gonna be dark soon." "We have to make it!" "We have to build a fire, Paul." "I saw The Grey." "I'm not bottle-fighting no woofs." "(Paul yelling)" "(yelling continues)" "Ah!" "(gasping)" "(groaning)" "(panting)" "Now I'm not gonna be there for..." "Oh... this is bad." "This is very, very bad." "Okay." "We got a lot of work to do." "I'm gonna build a pit trap and catch some varmints." "Whatever." "I'll build a fire." "Shoot." "This ground is pretty moist." "It's going to make finding accelerant difficult." "Booyah!" "(plays harmonica riff)" "♪ I am a doctor ♪" "(plays riff)" "♪ I go snip snip ♪" "(plays riff)" "♪ I rock that body ♪" "(plays riff)" "♪ Or replace that hip. ♪" " (chuckling)" " Now your turn." "Come on, it's easy." "Just... just sing your truth." "(plays harmonica riff)" "Uh... (plays riff)" "♪ My name is Paul ♪" "(plays riff)" "♪ I am a human ♪" "(plays riff)" "♪ I'm Vice President ♪" "♪ Of Wealth Management ♪" "♪ and Investment Strategies ♪" "(plays riff)" "♪ Again my name's Paul. ♪" "(harmonica playing)" "(chuckles)" "See, the blues is easy." "I am so hungry." "We got to get some food." "I think I'm gonna die." "(groans)" " (stomach growling)" " Ooh..." "Oh, great." "My IBS is flaring up." "Oh, okay, this is quite dire." "I bet you're regretting making me burn" " all those sweet paper towels." " Oh..." "Here." "It's a receipt for gas." "Hope your poop's small." "Stay away from my pit trap." "Don't want you scaring any future food." "(plays riff)" "♪ Paul's going to poop ♪" "(plays riff)" "♪ That cough could be croup ♪" "(plays riff)" "♪ Salt and pepper same shoe ♪" "(plays riff)" "♪ My wife Bec is a stu ♪" "(continues playing)" "You sabotaged my car!" "(plays riff)" "No!" "I'm saying you sabotaged my car!" "You put diesel in the tank!" "(plays riff)" " (chuckles) - (grunts)" " (chuckles)" " What's funny?" "You didn't wipe your butt." "Gas was $3.27." "My car takes 18 gallons, max." "Total price should be, at most, $58.86." "Your total was $64.39!" "The only way that's mathematically possible is if you put diesel in the tank!" "Fine!" "Yeah, I put diesel in your dumb tank!" "So what?" "I panicked." "I don't want to go home." "This is, like, my last chance to get out of my house and you're trying to end it." "Why did I agree to come help you?" "You and Becca are bad people." "We're bad people?" "Your wife stabbed you." "I backed into the knife." "Why was she holding it directly at you, then, huh?" "Face it, she tried to murder you." "You shut up, Vernon!" "You shut up right now!" "You shut up, Rumpleforeskin!" "I hate you!" "Your sunglasses look so stupid!" "You're not cool at all!" "(yells)" "(both grunting)" " You're going to die out here, Vernon!" " You're worthless!" " I will see to that!" " You suck at everything!" "You're gonna die!" "I'm strong!" "I'm a strong man!" "I've killed so many people, Paul!" "I'm not afraid of it!" "I am going to throw you off this mountain!" "I'm going to feed you to a bear!" " Ah!" "Not my hands!" " Ah!" "(both yelling)" "(snap, animal squeals)" "Mmm, mmm, mmm." " Mmm, mmm." " Mmm." "(smacking lips)" "Never thought squirrel could be so delicious." "Nuts are high in protein and fat." "Makes for tender flesh." "People forget I'm a doctor and I know shit." " (sniffs) Hey." " Mmm?" "Check out his little squirrel dick." "You dare me to flick it?" " Ugh..." " (chuckles)" "I didn't know we'd get lost." "I was just trying to buy more time." "You don't understand." "It's a nightmare over there." "Becca makes me wear full pajamas so our skins don't touch." "Lindsay may have stabbed me intentionally." "I only get 20% of the TiVo." "And Becca's always erasing my shows "accidentally."" "I missed all last season of The Librarians." "Lindsay order takeout for one." "One time I took a French fry and she made me give her a dollar even though it was on my credit card." "Becca once held my head in the toilet for a minute when I forgot to flush a duke." " Lindsey's cucking me." " Yeah, no kidding." "No, seriously." "That guy I mentioned earlier, Raul, he's her bull." "What?" "Whoa." "What?" "So he porks her and you have to watch?" " (groaning)" " What?" "Damn, that's crazy!" "Jesus, why doesn't anything cool ever happen to me?" "I was trying to be a good husband." "This is going to sound bonkers, but why are we even going home?" "We should drive straight to Mexico." " There's a thought." " No, I'm serious." "We could just disappear, start a new life." "Things are cheaper down there, and I can find out what the seventh layer is." "Seriously!" "We're both clearly miserable." "What's stopping us?" "The impending children." "No, that's bullshit." "If a dad is miserable, he's no good for his kid." "Look at Jimmy." "He hated his dad so much, he's actually happier now that he's dead." "Jimmy's dad did seem to be quite a miserable person." "Picture it..." "Casa Vernon y Paul." "Just the two of us eating shellfish and drinking margaritas and wizards." "I could take bullets out of cartel members on the DL." "You can be their accountant or whatever." "We only get one shot at this life, man." "She is killing my spirit." "This is our only chance." "If we wait, it's going to be too late." "I'm in." "Seriously?" "Seriously." "I can't go back to that house." "She doesn't even let me self-stimulate anymore." "I don't get to jack off either, not since Cassia." "Let's reclaim it." "Let's jack off into the fire!" "What?" "No." "We have to." "We're not allowed to masturbate!" "Come on, we gotta take back domain over ourselves!" "And into the fire?" "That is so manly." "Okay." "But don't look at me." "(chuckles)" "Hell yeah!" "I bet no one's ever done this before." "Hush." "What if it explodes?" "Shh." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah... (moaning)" "Oh there it is." "(both moaning)" "(both yelling)" "BOTH:" "Yeah!" "Oh, God." " Oh..." " Holy..." "We just killed, like, a million of our babies." "(both laughing)" "(animal growling)" "(screaming)" "I've been stuck!" "(yelling)" "(both groaning)" "(snoring)" "Wake up." "(groans)" "My wound opened up." "I have trouble clotting because of my oblong platelets." "Uncle Nephew had the same ailment." "I could close it with some sap and a hot stick." "We'll get you hella painkillers when we get to Tijuana." "I can't go with you." "What?" "But Casa Vernon y Paul!" "I want to be a father." "Last night, when I thought I was dying, all I thought about was how I'd never meet my child." "Watching how Jimmy's father squandered his opportunity and left Jimmy such a miserable person..." "I can't do that to my offspring." "Goddamn you, Paul." "Regardless of what we do, we're in a pretty tight bind." "I can't see anything." " (blows on harmonica)" " How do we get out of here?" "I don't know." "(harmonica playing)" "(bird chirping)" "(gasps) Wait." "Keep playing." "(harmonica playing)" " (bird chirping)" " It's the Squat-Billed Bushtit." " So?" " He'll lead us back to his nesting ground." "We'll follow the creek this time, and we'll find a campground or something for sure." "(panting and grunting)" "Push me up!" "But keep playing." "(harmonica playing)" "♪ ♪" "Give me your hand." "(harmonica playing, bird calls)" "Um, Vernon?" "What happened back at the campsite...." "I don't know what you're talking about." "(both grunting)" "Okay." "Thank you so much." "No problem." "You really should sue the gas station guy for putting diesel in your tank." "I would, but I think he was severely mentally handicapped." "(soft chuckle) Where y'all headed?" "San Diego." "Can I pay you for a ride?" "Yeah, sure." "All right, get in there." "I know I mess around a lot, and I like to have fun, and Becca thinks I'm a baby, but I'm really a good person with a good heart." " I know you are." " And I believe there is someone out there who will love me." "Hopefully a Mexican hottie with big naturals." "(chuckles)" "I'll miss you." "Yeah?" "Me too." "Where the hell is the bassinet?" "It's not here." "Goddamn it!" "That was my baby's bassinet." "Someone stole my baby's crib." "She could've been in there." "I will murder whoever did this!" "(sputters)" "I can't let a blind fool like you drive home." "Oh, yeah." "That might be dangerous." "Thanks, anyway." "All right, get in." " (car door closes)" " I'm glad you're staying." "Oh, I just realized I can't leave everything hanging yet." " (car engine starts)" " Plus I need cash and passports, and I should grab some medical-grade condoms from the hospital." "They got some viruses down there that will eat up your junk" " like a pig tearing into a corn cob." " Ugh." "Don't worry, I will give you a signal before I leave in case you change your mind." "Okay." "By the way, traditionally the seventh layer can be anything." "It can be ground beef, shredded lettuce, green onion, jalapeños." "It's up to whoever makes it." "Whatever makes them happy." "You knew this all along and you didn't tell me?" " (chuckles)" " You dick." "Mind if we stop at the baby store?" "I got to get my baby a place to sleep before I bail." " Sure." " And we got to stop at the toilet paper store, I haven't forgotten you didn't wipe your ass, you cuck." " (chuckles)" " Hmm." "(car door closes)" "(car engine starts)" "♪ One more job ought to get it ♪" "(both singing along):" "♪ One last shot 'for I quit it ♪" "♪ One more for ♪" "♪ The road ♪"