"Those girls can really elbow." "Ohhh!" "Can anyone tell me what this is?" "_" "_" "Nope." "I know what it is, but I want you to say it first so I know you know." " It's a squash." " Squash!" "I cook it every Thanksgiving, and no one eats it." "Why?" "Because it's disgusting." "Can anyone point out our ancestors in this painting?" "No, that's right, you can't..." "Because they're not there." "Eventually, they will be way back in this field, buried underneath the rail road tracks that they built with no food or water." "_" "And do you ever ask yourself, "Why?"" "Why do we put ourselves through all this holiday nonsense, through all the headaches of visiting relatives, through all the squash?" "All for a day that we have no cultural ties to." "Why do we do it?" "Why?" "Why?" "Because that's what we do every year." "It's tradition." "It's not our tradition." "We don't like it." "It's a lot of hard work, and we get nothing out of it." "You can't stop Thanksgiving." "It's too strong." "That's like trying to stop Fabulous Barbara." "Roller derby." "Louis, I don't want to stop it." "I want to capitalize on it." "I want to open Cattleman's Ranch for Thanksgiving." "Really?" "I was kind of looking forward to a day off." "A day off spent searching for the leaf in the dining room table?" "I like a mystery." "Listening to my sister's husband play the ukulele?" "Steve does a great "Kokomo."" "Smiling through my mother's colorful remarks about her black mailman?" "What time should we open?" "Wait..." "So no family this year?" "We get to keep our rooms?" "And sleep in our own beds instead of in the pantry, on rice bags?" " That's right." " Yes!" "I don't have to wash my sheets!" "Oh, you still have to wash your sheets." "You don't get me." "_" "The bar at the restaurant has a TV." "_" "_" "We are working on Thanksgiving!" "S03E05 No Thanks-giving" "Okay, class, it's time to turn in your family tree assignments." "Eddie, where's your homework?" "Um..." "I didn't do it." "You didn't do it?" "Why?" "Why?" "Because..." "Why?" "Eddie!" "Are you ready for school?" "Never been more ready in my life." "How'd your family take the news?" "My mom congratulated me on choosing work over her, and then Connie stole the moment by claiming her psychic predicted it all." "Well, I'll start calling the staff, see who I can ask to work on Thursday." "Ask?" "You don't ask." "You tell." "It won't be hard to get someone." "Holiday pay is time and a half." "You tell them, "Happy Thanksgiving." "See you on Friday at regular pay."" "But we'll need extra help." "That's why we have children." "We'll do a buffet." "We'll prep all the food in the morning." "A couple servers is the only staff we need." "_" "_" "Well, it looks like all we have left to do is the centerpieces." "And pick up the raffle prize." "Oh!" "Which was another amazing idea you had..." "Raffling off a fresh turkey." "Thanksgiving is built on gamblers and hungry people." "This excites both." "Hey!" "Can I stash these pinecones over here?" "I just bought them at the French Bushel, and Marvin doesn't believe in buying things you can find on the ground." "Don't tell that to a truffle pig." "Why is it so quiet in here?" "I thought you guys would be running around screaming at each other, getting the house ready for guests." "Uh, we're not doing that this year." "We're working." "What are you and Marvin doing?" "Uh, well, we assumed that we would come over here for dinner, like we did last year..." "After Marvin and his dentist friends go on their annual deer hunt." "They call themselves the Buck Tooth Club." "Well, you and Marvin should come to Cattleman's for dinner." "It'll be just like last year, except $6.99 a head." "That sounds great." "$6.99 for kids." "$18.99 for adults." "Oh." "Sure." "Okay." "_" "_" "_" "Principal Hunter?" "We have a major problem." "Eddie refused to do his family tree assignment." "Why didn't you do your homework?" "I had a vision." "What do you mean?" "What vision?" "When I was asleep in bed last night," "I realized eighth grade doesn't matter." "Who told you this in your vision?" "A bum?" "As long as you don't fail, you get into high school, and that's when grades start to count." "Colleges don't look at your middle-school report cards." "I'm already getting A's in all my classes, so I can take the rest of the year off and still pass." "Oh." " But what..." " Is this true?" "Send the boy to his room." "No need." "I'll send myself." "Thanks for the ride, Hunter." "See you at graduation." "Look, let's not milk a cow and call it butter." "We all know he's right." "That eighth grade doesn't matter?" "Yeah." "And we all know how much Eddie likes to talk." "Do you ever ask yourself, "Why?"" "Why we put ourselves through all the hassle, through all the headaches of homework, through all the tests..." "For grades that don't matter?" "Why do we do it?" "Why?" "Why?" "We have a code black!" "The prophecy." "Frankly, I'm surprised it's taken this long for a kid to figure it out." "We can't risk this spreading." "If the truth gets out, it could bring the whole system down." "Don't worry." "I will put a stop to this right away." "I hope so." "The fate of lower-school academia is in your hands." "Nonsense time is over." "You live in our house, you get good grades." "And you're gonna start right now with your family tree project." "Why?" "It's pointless." "Like Mom said, it's a lot of hard work for nothing." "I never said that." "Yeah, you did..." "About Thanksgiving." "You know how your Thanksgiving is Thanksgiving?" "My Thanksgiving is eighth grade." "Who put you up to this?" "Your white friends?" "No more white friends!" "New rule!" "Okay, fine." "Let's pretend that grades are important and I work hard this year and in high school and college." " And then Dad dies." " Wait, what?" "And I take over the restaurant, carrying on the family business." "Oh." "Like a legacy." "No matter good grades or bad, I end up in the same spot." "Who says Cattleman's is going to go to you?" "What about Emery and Evan?" "The restaurant might go to them." "Even better." "Give it to them." "They can do all the work, and I'll be a silent partner." "When have you ever been silent?" "Not through "The Goonies." That's for sure." "Oh, you mean the coincidences?" ""We need money." "Oh." "Here's a treasure map."" ""We need a strong guy."" ""Oh, look in the ice cream cooler!" "There's an ogre!"" ""Watch out!" "There's a piano booby trap!"" ""Oh, wait..." "I play."" "It's a movie!" "And it's a great one!" "Eddie, you are not leaving this room until you finish your homework." "That's what I've been saying." "I'll hang out in here until ninth grade and then do my homework." "Glad we agree, Mom." "Dad, get on board with me and Mom." "Can you guys leave?" "I'm gonna take a naked nap." "Do you know what the problem is?" "He's become a lazy, entitled bum." "We have a bum kid!" "Jessica, hold on." "This is our reward after years of struggle and self-sacrifice, trying to provide, working on holidays!" "Building a legacy that my boy wants to take over." "No, see, that's the problem!" "He thinks he can just sit back and everything's going to just be handed to him, so he doesn't appreciate anything." "Not "The Goonies." That's for sure." "I was so careful." "I was so strict." "Then a video game here, a gummy snack there." "You can't blame yourself." "I blame you, too." "You're the one who bought him this." "What is this?" "It's an invisible dog on a leash." "Eddie doesn't realize how lucky he has it." "You know, he has so many T-shirts, so many rap CDs, so many sneakers." "He has four pairs of sneakers." "Who is he..." "Imelda Marcos?" "Well, maybe he just needs to be reminded how good he has it." "Hope that's not the National Geographic" "Grandma claims she's in." "We wanted to help out with centerpiece ideas, so we're making these Thanksgiving mood boards for inspiration." "I like to start with a feel, so I collected these light-brown tones." "Mine's a celebration of maize." "You know, different types of maize, different sizes of maize, different colors of maize, uses for maize, American maize, plus common European maize." "Welcome to my morning." "That's so thoughtful of you boys." "You didn't have to do all this." "Well, we figured we better start helping Cattleman's any way we can." "We overheard Mom say that we might have a chance to inherit it." "You guys are interested in the restaurant, too?" "Of course..." "Under the right management, that thing could make some money." "I guess I never imagined Cattleman's Ranch could become" "Cattleman's Ranch and Sons." "We should put a cowboy on the sign lassoing his boys." "Cattleman's is a ranch." "The sign should be a cow with his calves." "You mean a bull." "A cow's a girl." "You're a girl!" "Now, now, sons, it's just my silly legacy." "Not worth fighting over." "Who am I gonna trust with my secret barbecue recipe?" "Your secret's safe with me..." "As long as I don't get tickled." "All right, G-dubs, what tunes should we listen to tonight?" "P-to-the-E-to-the-abo Bryson?" "Aah!" "Where's my bed?" "!" "Something wrong, Eddie?" "Call the cops!" "We've been hit!" "Oh, beds are for people who work hard." "You work hard, you rest hard." "You stole your son's bed on Thanksgiving eve?" "Recommit yourself to school and hard work, you get your bed back." "You know what?" "I don't need it." "Beds are like eighth grade..." "Useless." "I'll just sleep on some T-shirts." "I knew he had too many T-shirts." "This is great." "This is good." "I think I'm too comfortable, actually." "I need to find my damn bed!" "You put me in a Thanksgiving pickle." "How do I sell more tickets to other people after I just gave you the winner?" "This is the winning ticket." "I can feel it." "Just promise me you won't let this free turkey change you." "Don't forget about us after you win, okay?" "Oh." "That's the lucky ticket." "After you win, you and that turkey should take a trip to Vegas." "_" "_" "Ketchup?" "Is..." "Is that what you want?" "What were you doing in the freezer?" "Just checking to see if my mom hid my mattress in there." "I'm so scared of your mom." "What's wrong?" "Didn't sleep well?" "I'm good." "Just stretching my jaw muscles." " Getting ready for dinner." " Oh, okay." "Why don't you walk around and remind people about the raffle?" "Unless you're too tired." "Not tired." "Full of energy!" "Hup!" "Hup!" "Hup!" "Hup!" "Hup!" "Hup!" "Looks like everyone's enjoying the centerpieces." "Nice job, boys." "How do you know that?" "Huh?" "What did you observe?" "How does one enjoy the centerpieces?" "Yeah, tell us." "We want to learn." "Oh." "Um, yeah." "Uh, yeah." "I-I-I don't know." "I just said it to say something." ""Motivate staff with lies."" "Hey, boss?" "Creamed corn's running low." "Hmm." "Let's see how my owners- in-training would handle this." "Boys?" "Let's open up two big cans." "But only bring out one." "Keep the other in the back in case we don't need it." "We can reuse it tomorrow." "Ah." "Naturals." "Don't know where they got it from." "Owners-in-training?" "Oh, no, we're screwed!" "Ask my niece..." "I am not good with kids." "I don't know if this makes me racist, but I did not realize there were two of them." "Oh, I love Rocky and Bullwinkle!" "_" "_" "Yeah." "Hm." " Sweetie, it's fine." " Hm." "We still have a freezer full of deer left from last year." "12 years in a row, I've iced a deer, and today..." "Squat, diddly." "Aw, well, maybe they just kept catching the scent of handsome and got skittish." "Oh, no." "I'm 30 feet up in a tree blind, soaked in deer urine." "My charm's strong, but it's not that strong." "Hey, Marvin and Honey." "Make sure to buy a raffle ticket." "Blah, blah, blah." "Did my mom stash my bed at your house, like she did with our Christmas presents?" "No." "Why'd she take your bed?" "She's trying to force me to care about eighth grade." "I remember junior high." "I didn't do a lick of work." "Me neither." "I did the work." "I want my bed back." "Oh, you did your family tree assignment?" "No, a different type of work..." "Data collection, statistical analysis." "I conducted a sociology study to prove my theory." "Please describe your eighth-grade experience." "Well, I skipped class all the time." "I had a kid who looks a lot like you do all my schoolwork for me so I could concentrate on football." "I missed most of my eighth grade." "Was home sick with mono." "And what do you do now?" "I'm a rich dentist." "I'm your mom's business partner." "So what?" "That doesn't prove anything." "It's just two people." "Two people you know very well, who are very successful members of society." "Thank you for participating in our informal survey." "You will always have free desserts at my establishment." " Hot dog!" " Cool!" "Will you please stop assuming that Cattleman's is going to go to you?" "Yeah, we're getting Cattleman's." "What?" "!" "We heard you say so yourself." "Oh, that was just to scare Eddie." "I don't want any of you boys to get Cattleman's." "I never have!" "Oh." "I see." "So, Cattleman's is a good-enough excuse for you to get out of Thanksgiving with your family but not good enough for your boys." "No." "Louis!" "Louis, wait!" "Come on!" "_" "_" "_" "Garfield!" "Garfield!" "Garfield!" "Garfield!" "Pecan... your favorite." "Remember this when you take over the restaurant." "I'm allergic to nuts." "I just saved your life." "Remember that when you take over the restaurant." "You guys are wasting your time." "None of my boys are taking over." "Yes!" "Now I don't have to learn either of their names." "Louis." "We have to raffle off the turkey." "Oh, while we're at it, why don't we just raffle off the whole restaurant?" "Because we already bought the turkey." "What's that?" "The dupe." "What?" "The winning ticket." "Did you rig this?" "You're welcome." "Now we get all the raffle money, and we can return the prize turkey." "Happy Thankskeeping." "Of course you'd bring corruption into these halls." "You have no regard for the sanctity of Cattleman's!" "This day's a celebration of people who made a living by swindling the natives." "I am so Thanksgiving." "Hello, Pilgrims!" "Gobble, gobble!" "Hope you all saved room..." "for the big raffle." "Time to find out who has that winning ticket!" "Oh, I hope it's me." "Actually, that's a good reminder that everyone is eligible." "Okay, here we go." "54712." "54712?" "5...4... 7... 1... 2!" "54712!" "Well, no one's claiming that, so it looks like we're gonna have to draw another number." "Oh." "Oh, come on." "I got to feed my snake." "33988." "That's me!" "I won!" "Winner, winner, turkey dinner!" "Happy Thanksgiving, everyone." "Oh, I knew I was gonna win." "I heard two Phil Collins songs on the radio this morning in a row." "Best Thanksgiving alone ever." "Uh, okay." "Uh, and here's your prize now." "What's that?" "Your prize." "I thought it was supposed to be a fresh turkey." "Right." "Well, this is as fresh as it gets." "I can't put that thing in my LeBaron." "It could peck my head while I'm driving home." "Well, if you don't want it, I can always draw another number." "Or the same number I drew before." "No, I want it." "It's just that a fresh turkey means prepped and dressed..." "As in oven-ready, asn dead." "Aah!" "It came at me!" "How did my mother do this three times a week?" "Maybe you can kill it from the inside by crushing its dreams with your unsupportive words." "Okay." "Why are you so upset?" "We have always been on the same page about building up the restaurant and then selling it." "I know, but that was before the boys showed interest." "I like the idea of handing something I created down to my sons." "Is that so bad?" "They're kids." "They don't know what they want." "This week, Eddie wants to inherit the restaurant because it's convenient for his school protest." "Last week, he wanted..." "He wanted to invent underwear made out of bubble wrap..." "Right after he took a hard fall off that bench." "Exactly." "Louis, this place is the reason our boys are going to have the opportunity to pursue their dreams..." "Dreams they'll appreciate because they'll work hard for them, the way you did." "Doctor, president, lawyer..." "Whatever non-teaching jobs they want." "So, it's not that you think this place isn't good enough for them?" "Oh." "Oh, Louis, of course I don't think this place is good enough for them, but it's not because I look down on Cattleman's." "It's just because I have ridiculously high hopes for our boys." "And that's all possible because of what you accomplished." "That's my number!" "I won!" "You can have your bed back." "What?" "I can?" "Where'd you hide it?" "It was in Grandma's room." "You know, you really should visit her more often." "She's an interesting lady." "_" "_" "Mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm." "Wait." "I didn't say I'd try hard in school again." "Why are you giving me my bed back?" "What can I say?" "I guess this holiday just has me in a giving mood." "In fact, all meals are on the house today!" "Happy Thanksgiving!" "What are you doing?" "!" "You just gave away your entire Thanksgiving profits!" "And I won't stop there." "That's right." "I'll drive your father's dream straight into the ground if it motivates you to get A's again." "Ohh." "You thought I just had a little holiday change of heart?" "No." "Your mom's just... a little crazy." "Loco." "So, it started with N.W.A." "Then Eazy-E and Ruthless Records branched off with B.G. Knocc Out, Dresta, and The D.O.C." "MC Ren and DJ Yella's lines don't go anywhere, and I'm not sure who this Arabian Prince guy is." "Now, Dr. Dre and Ice Cube are a different story." "Cube formed the whole Lench Mob crew family..." "Da Lench Mob, Del the Funky Homosapien..." "Ice Cube's cousin and a member of the Hieroglyphics..." "Dub C and Mack 10 of Westside Connection, and DJ Pooh." "Heh." "Pooh." "Now, Dre gave birth to 213's Snoop Dogg, which led to The Lady of Rage, Tha Dogg Pound..." "Daz and Kurupt..." "Warren G, Dr. Dre's stepbrother, and Nate Dogg, who is in no relation to Snoop Dogg, but he's like everyone's adopted brother because they can't sing a refrain without him." "There's so many Doggs." "And that's it." "That's my family tree." "Ah, good enough."