"[MUSIC PLAYING]" "[SPEAKING JAPANESE]" "Venerable ancestors, 1000 years ago the Evil One was driven from the face of the globe." "As we then foretold, there would come a time when evil, corruption, and perversion would rise again, and the Evil One would be able to return." "That time is now." "At the end of Mercury's next journey, the dragon shall dance through the hoop of Jupiter." "If at that moment, the monkey will ride the jaguar, and the tiger will feast on the nubile, the order of the universe will be such that the Evil One will reign supreme for eternity." "There is only one being who can confront the Evil One." "The Chosen One is on his way to us now." "I'm gonna kill you!" "Hey!" "YUPPIE:" "A 560SL!" "Outrageous!" "Arthur, when did you get it?" "Hey, this baby was my commission on that Stuart Pandex takeover." "You were in on Stuart Pandex?" "You lucky bastard." "Hey, luck had nothing to do with it." "My cleaning lady's nephew's son works for Reginald Stuart." "I knew about that deal six months ago." "Hey!" "Inside information, that's illegal." "And this, my friend, is a Mercedes convertible." "And it's all mine!" "Ha ha!" "MAN:" "Ichiro!" "Bye-bye, Kabukiman." "It looks like you and your family are through!" "You can kill me, but you can't the spirit of Kabukiman." "Your husband, Ichiro, can't make it to his performance tonight, sweetheart." "Too bad because you're going to be the hit on Broadway!" "YUPPIE:" "I'm telling you, man, with these wheels the babes are going to be falling all over you." "[ARTHUR GROANS]" "Huh?" "BYSTANDER:" "Oh, my!" "BYSTANDER 2:" "Dear me!" "What happened?" "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "Here you go, buddy." "Get yourself a cup of coffee." "HARRY GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER):" "Griswold's the name." "Thank you!" "HARRY GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER):" "Sergeant Harry Griswold, NYPD." "This city can take its toll on some." "Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of nice qualities about this town." "And some not so nice." "I was following up on a lead to what some might consider just another New York City massacre." "Pretty woman thrown out of a high-rise window, her Japanese husband disemboweled, and their two kids turned into shredded wheat." "I was supposed to be having dinner with a friend and coworker, Connie LaRosa, and looking forward to it." "Instead, I stopped at my favorite sidewalk cafe for a quick bite, and was on my way to some kind of amateur kabuki performance." "BRIAN:" "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to "Lifestyles of the Wealthy and Well-Known."" "Today, we are in a glamorous New York City theater where just about to begin is a special performance of the first Manhattan kabuki players adaptation of "The Kabuki Couples."" "Tonight, we are fortunate to focus our spotlight of glamor on Mr. Reginald Stuart, New York billionaire businessman and philanthropist." "Good evening, Mr. Stuart." "Good evening, Brian." "It's a great pleasure to be with you tonight." "Your Stuart Foundation provided the funding for tonight's performance." "That's right we did." "At the Stuart Pandex Corporation we believe that corporate funding is the best way to bring culture to the masses." "The reason we've sponsored this particular kabuki performance is that I myself have been personally interested for a long time in the work of Mr. Sato and his family, who have trained this amateur troupe." "MAN:" "Five minutes to curtain, Mr. Sato." "My revered elder stands ready to pass the gift and raise the spirit of Kabukiman." "He will now consume the banquet of joining." "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "[APPLAUSE]" "HARRY GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER):" "My boss, Captain Bender, told me the Japanese entertain themselves by going to the kabuki theater." "It's a tradition that's been going on for hundreds of years." "The men dress up like women and do some kind of poses in slow motion." "And make some kind of weird noises." "I had no idea what I was getting into." "What I did know was that I had missed another date with Connie LaRosa." "Grandfather, I grow nervous." "The performance has already begun and the Chosen One has not yet arrived." "If he's not here to receive the gift when the moon hangs in the eye of the squid, what shall transpire?" "Hey, Oscar-san, you must have some hand." "If something has befallen Ichiro, will you pass the ancient kabuki powers to me?" "But Grandfather!" "[APPLAUSE]" "MAN 1:" "Hey, Felix-san, this place is a real mess." "MAN 2:" "Why do you guys always make such a mess?" "Eat, eat, eat." "Drink, drink, drink." "It's all you ever do." "MAN 1:" "Stop complaining." "Shh!" "MAN 1:" "Hey, stop it!" "Cut that out, Felix-san." "MAN 2:" "Do something, Oscar-san, do something." "No!" "No!" "This is great, huh?" "A lot better than I expected." "Everybody freeze!" "Police!" "Get out of the way!" "Move it!" "BRIAN:" "Oh my god, I don't believe what I'm seeing!" "The performers are being mowed down by cheaply-dressed thugs brandishing expensive, custom-made automatic weapons!" "Ah!" "Bullets fly and rip my flesh." "Even I am not immune to the dazzling gun play as I could very well be cut in half." "It's truly mind numbing." "More fabulous in its scope than-- than even the fabulous" "[INAUDIBLE] princess." "Shoot her." "Go ahead, shoot her." "What are you doing?" "I think I just saved your life, miss." "Remove yourself from my body, you filthy oaf!" "You're welcome." "Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?" "Hey!" "Knock it off!" "Let's get out of here!" "[INAUDIBLE]" "[POLICE SIRENS APPROACHING]" "We're supposed to be having fun here!" "Whoa!" "I'm on the case." "That's enough." "It's something crazy!" "OK." "I'm wearing a dress." "First I'm kissed by a guy, now I'm wearing a dress." "Fine." "Frank, take couple of notes here." "How did it feel watching your grandfather being mowed down by machine guns?" "Police!" "Freeze!" "Now, could you ladies-- uh, you guys tell me exactly what happened?" "Well, when the bullets started flying I hit the floor." "Yeah, it was like something out of the movies!" "You know what I mean?" "Any numbers?" "Did you see anything?" "There were five of them." "There were twelve!" "There were five!" "BOTH:" "We don't want to get involved." "Freeze!" "HARRY GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER):" "That was the kind of boss is Captain Bender was." "Always around when things were going wrong." "I know this is a hard and trying time for you, but what did you think when you saw rivulets of blood flowing down his beautiful kabuki costume?" "HARRY GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER):" "I had to admit I felt pretty silly wearing a kabuki dress." "And my fellow officers being there only made matters worse." "[CAR ALARM GOES OFF]" "REGINALD STUART:" "Rembrandt, what could possibly have been running through your mind when you decided to shoot up an entire theater?" "We've almost achieved all our goals." "There's no reason to draw attention to our operation now." "Now I'm going to have to get involved and wipe all your little asses." "Yes?" "SECRETARY (ON INTERCOM):" "Reverend" "Snipes is here to see you, sir." "Snipes is here." "Send him in." "Reverend Snipes, so good to see you." "What brings you here at such an ungodly hour?" "Who are you kidding, Reggie?" "We got business to discuss." "Oh, have we?" "You bet your corporate butt we do." "Your little contributions to my youth center just aren't going as far as they used to, if you know what I mean." "I got expenses, and an overhead like you wouldn't believe." "And I have no intentions of running a non-profit organization." "So, what is your point, Reverend?" "I tell my people to stop patronizing some of your businesses, like that fast food chain." "And you'll feel that power give you a good, hard kick in that fat wallet of yours." "I also got a certain female police detective who's been on my ass lately, and I'm sure you wouldn't want any word leaking out about your long-term financial involvement in my organization." "You catch my meaning?" "I think so." "SECRETARY:" "Sir." "You can't go in there, sir." "I go where I please!" "You can't!" "Uncle Reggie, sorry for barging in, but we've got to talk." "Excuse me, Reverend, this will only take a second." "What is it, Skipper?" "I thought we had an agreement here." "I thought we had a relationship." "I was going to take the wrap for that shit at the theater, you were going to get me off and make me a vice president with a corner office." "No jail." "No conviction." "Nothing." "Just a couple of mug shots and a statement, and that's it." "That was our understanding." "But I just spent the past four hours down in the can with some real criminals waiting for your guy to come bail me the hell out!" "Do you know what it's like to be violated by a 300-pound Filipino skinhead named Gunther?" "It ain't no picnic!" "Ah, Skipper, Skipper, calm down, boy." "I guarantee you'll never spend another night in jail." "Use the magazine!" "He's getting blood all over my new carpet!" "You always wanted to be on the cover the "Financial Week,"" "Skippy." "Here's your shot." "You look great!" "Now let's see, where were we?" "Ah, yes." "You were threatening me." "You're nothing but a third-rate con man, Reverend Snipes." "But I have a need for you." "That is, if you think you can play hardball." "Are you ready for the major leagues, Reverend?" "Good." "There's a lot of tension in the city now, and I want you to keep the flame on high." "When it starts to boil over, I'll be there to arm the revolution." "And when it gets out of control, I'll be there to restore order again." "And then, Reverend, then you'll see real power." "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "Kabukiman." "HARRY GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER):" "When I showed up at the station house the next day, I knew the boys would be making jokes at my expense." "This is what's known as an erect nipple." "Hey, Harry, where's your pretty dress?" "Your mother wanted it back." "Yeah, right." "Hey, it's Madam Butterfly." "Do you want some milk, Harry?" "LaRosa." "Hey, Connie." "You know, this whole thing has been blown way out of proportion." "Sure, sure, Harry." "You're going to be all right." "Listen, Connie, what do you say we try for dinner again tonight?" "I don't know what it is, but I hate to say it," "I have this craving for Japanese food." "[INAUDIBLE]" "What do you say, Connie?" "I'd like to, Harry, but I got to be in court tonight." "Hey, look, I usually go jogging after work, you want to join me?" "No." "Running?" "I'll be wearing my new spandex jogging shorts." "I was just saying to myself I should get some more exercise." "Spandex?" "Forget it, Harry." "You don't have the legs for spandex." "Besides, Bender wants to see you in his office." "Now!" "Do you come to this jail often?" "Oh, I'm a steady patron here!" "Yes!" "Commissioner, look, I understand that." "Look, I'll do it." "Damn!" "You're busy, I'll come back." "Griswold, sit down." "Now about last night here" "OK." "OK." "I can explain." "First of all, it wasn't a dress I was wearing, it was a kimono." "I don't want to know!" "I just wanted to tell you that while you were playing geisha girl, Reginald Stuart's security men captured the perp." "What?" "You heard me." "Some cracked out wacko did it." "Seems he had it in for Japanese every since he got fired for using drugs at a Toyota plant." "I was there there." "There were at least five guys shooting." "Yeah." "The other men were Stuart security men." "And, by the way, you shot four of them!" "Fortunately, they're OK." "Reginald Stuart advised them not to press any charges against you, but you owe your ass to Reginald Stuart!" "There is no way those guys were security!" "They-- they were shooting at the actors!" "They were shooting at me!" "Harry, you're not fucking listening to me!" "Look, we got the guy who shot up the theater." "I got eye witnesses who ID'd him." "I got signed, notarized statements." "And I got a confession." "Case closed." "Who's this?" "That's the perp." "You see, I told you." "That's not the guy!" "BENDER:" "Harry, you don't get it, do you?" "That's it." "The case is closed." "Look, I'm happy." "The Commissioner is happy." "The Mayor is happy." "And Reginald Stuart is happy." "And there's one other loose end." "There's a woman waiting for you in the interrogation room." "She says she was at the theater last night." "The old man who was killed was her grandfather." "Find out what she wants, and give her the good news." "But" "But nothing!" "That's it." "The case is closed!" "You have a very important new assignment, the Goldberg dry cleaning case." "I'm taking Joseph off, and I'm putting you on it." "Goldberg dry cleaners?" "Those three stupid, stolen shirts?" "It's four!" "And they're my stupid, stolen shirts!" "Now get to it!" "This is the part where you leave, Griswold." "Holy cow, Dick!" "She's leaking!" "What?" "Is it Felicia the Flasher?" "[PHONE RINGS]" "Sergeant Griswold, I do not have much time, so I'll be brief." "A regrettable twist of fate has chosen you as a recipient of amazing supermortal powers that have been passed down through generations of kabuki actors in my family." "Please, consume the Banquet of Joining in honor of your benefactors." "What?" "Eat!" "All right, that's it." "I am outta here!" "Oh, oh, oh, oh." "I get it." "This is a joke, right?" "This is no joke, Detective!" "The changes in you have already begun." "I saw the markings on your face at the theater." "Look at how you are dressed now!" "The spirit of Kabukiman lives within you." "Eat!" "Ugh." "Ick." "Look, miss." "Oh." "Please." "Uh." "I'm sorry about what happened, and I know you've suffered a terrible loss." "But I have some good news for you, they caught the guy who killed your grandfather." "You fool!" "They do not have the one responsible for my grandfather's death." "Why do you say that?" "Because my grandfather was not killed by a man." "His death was orchestrated by the spirit of the Evil One." "Evil On-- spirits?" "Come on now, you're a full grown woman, all right?" "You just talk to me in normal English!" "At the end of Mercury's next journey, the dragon shall dance through the hoop of Jupiter." "Jupiter" "If at that moment, the monkey will ride the jaguar and the tiger will feast on the nubile, the order of the universe will be such that the Evil One will reign supreme for eternity." "Now, do I make myself perfectly clear?" "Oh." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Fine." "Mhm." "I'll send a squad car over right away to pick up Mr. Evil." "Now, just one question-- for the big money-- who is the Evil One?" "Five seconds." "I do not know!" "You're the detective!" "Yes!" "I am the detective, and you are a fruit loop!" "Do not treat me as an inferior!" "I am easily your better." "If only the order of the universe were not so unfair to womankind, I would've been chosen to receive the gift and would not now be dealing with such a penis-wielding imbecile as yourself!" "You will find me when the time is right." "HARRY GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER):" "I didn't buy that story the captain gave me about Reginald" "Stuart and his men." "So I decided to go over to his office and see what Mr. Stuart was up to." "SECRETARY:" "Shall I say you're in a meeting?" "REGINALD STUART:" "No, uh, let's see what the little fellow wants." "How you doing, boys?" "Oh, oh, hey, I hope I'm not interrupting something." "I was just" "Not at all." "Please, just come in." "I hope you won't mind if I don't get up." "No." "No, no." "Whatever." "Fine." "Ah." "Not so hard." "That's better." "Ah." "Now, it's, uh, Mr. Oswald, is it?" "Sergeant Griswold." "Well, how may I be of service to you, Detective Griswold?" "I understand that your company financed the Japanese theater troupe that was attacked last night, and that your men helped break it up." "Griswold, of course." "You're the officer who shot my employees." "Well, you need not worry, Detective Griswold," "I've advised them not to press charges against you." "You were, after all, just doing your job, weren't you?" "Ah, finished." "Great, Amanda." "Absolutely great." "Thank you so much, dear." "They were a little more scuffed than usual, Mr. Stuart, but the hard brush took care of it." "REGINALD STUART:" "Have you ever considered working in the private sector, Detective Griswold?" "You could afford so many nice things." "I don't need nice things." "Isn't that an authentic Shogun sword from the Tokugawa Yasin" "Shogunate?" "Manufactured in Edo in, I'd say, 1638?" "Well, yes, as a matter of fact it is a Tokugawa." "And it was made in Edo." "But how did you know that?" "How did I know that?" "It's such a beautiful instrument." "So perfectly balanced." "May I?" "Please." "Hyah!" "Hyah!" "Hyah." "Kabukiman-san jo." "Detective Griswold?" "Detective Griswold." "Detective Griswold!" "Oh." "Oh." "Oh." "I hope that wasn't expensive." "Expensive?" "That vase costs just a little bit more than you're likely to make-- ever." "HARRY GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER):" "I thought it was best I left things the way they were with Reggie Stuart." "Anyway, I had a very important appointment with Connie LaRosa." "It was my big chance to impress her." "CONNIE LAROSA:" "Yo, Gris." "Lookin' good!" "Come on, I want to see you sweat." "You do this to yourself every day?" "No, I usually run 10 miles." "But today, since you're here, I think we'll only do three." "Besides, we should save our energy for later." "Later?" "Yeah, later." "Connie?" "CONNIE LAROSA:" "Yeah?" "I gotta stop now, or I'll die." "Not bad, Gris." "I expected you to boot two laps ago." "You're an animal, LaRosa!" "An animal!" "I don't know, but if you're after this Reverend Snipes guy," "I almost pity the poor bastard." "You know all those wonderful youth centers he's got set up all over town?" "Well, it just so happens that he's using it as a front for a major drug operation." "And he's got this huge corporation Stuart" "Pandex paying for whole thing!" "Stuart Pandex?" "As in Reginald Stuart?" "You know how Snipes passed himself off as this anti-establishment activist, like he's some kind of man of the street, friend of the poor?" "Well, it just so happens that he's a major shareholder in Stuart Pandex." "And not only that, Harry, he hasn't paid taxes in years!" "Hasn't paid taxes?" "He oughta run for mayor." "I got enough to bust this guy right now, Harry." "I just got to put all the information together for Bender." "I'm going to make detective for this one, Harry!" "You deserve it, Connie." "You're a good cop." "You think so, Harry?" "You know I do." "Tonight." "Thanks." "I think I'll run a few more laps." "You'll wait here for me?" "Knock yourself out." "HARRY GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER):" "What kind of a detective was I?" "LaRosa was after Snipes, but Snipes was going to get LaRosa." "I should have been there for her." "Hey, you!" "You!" "Haven't I seen you around Reverend Snipes' youth center?" "Snooping around the boys?" "The boys just love spandex." "Hey!" "What's the matter with you?" "I was just kidding, sweetheart." "Get off!" "Enjoy your spandex!" "You just got yourself a whole bunch of new boyfriends." "Mm!" "Hey!" "Get the freaking bitch!" "Come on, let's go." "Ah!" "Get off!" "[CONNIE SCREAMING]" "Connie!" "[CONNIE SCREAMING]" "Freeze!" "Police!" "Ooh!" "Hey, this guy's not normal." "What the--?" "Ah!" "Ow!" "What the hell?" "Oh!" "Kabukiman-san jo." "[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]" "Ow, shit." "Hey!" "Who put that there?" "Die!" "THUG 1:" "We're gonna mess you up!" "THUG 2:" "You're dead meat!" "Yoohoo!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Come on, man, let's go." "Come on." "One more time." "Come on." "Stop!" "He's innocent!" "Stay back!" "This is police business!" "[INAUDIBLE]" "Whoa!" "Oh!" "You're going down, faggot!" "Oh my god!" "He's using chopsticks!" "Suppose if he used knives and forks!" "[BELCHES]" "You clumsy, carnival punk!" "What are you gonna do to me?" "A poor, defenseless woman, huh?" "A woman alone!" "And, besides, that [INAUDIBLE] looks ridiculous!" "Sounds like my ex-wife." "Oh, here, you want it?" "Here you go." "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "[POLICE SIRENS APPROACHING]" "Connie!" "Officer, don't bother taking notes." "Only three people were killed." "But I feel much safer in the park now." "This guy in the bathrobe is a real hero." "A real New York hero, huh?" "ALL:" "Yeah!" "Connie!" "Oof!" "[INTERPOSING VOICES]" "I" " I'm sorry." "I shouldn't have let this happen." "What are you doing here?" "Shh!" "Freeze you two!" "Don't shoot!" "Stop!" "I'm a cop." "I'm a cop." "I have a badge." "I'm Harry Griswold." "Griswold?" "Hey, I heard about this guy running around with make up on." "All right, Griswold, let me see your shield." "What the?" "Oh." "What-- sorry." "Slowly." "Holy shit." "It is Griswold." "Yeah, that's the guy." "He did it to us." "Shut up, you weenie." "Pig." "GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER):" "Lotus and I rode in the ambulance with LaRosa but the doctors made us leave and so Lotus and I decided to wait it out at an Italian restaurant across the street." "I was depressed, and I was confused, and I was turning Japanese." "Here's your fish." "What kind of a shmuck orders raw fish at an Italian restaurant?" "I've been craving raw mackerel all day." "I can't believe this." "I'm eating a smelly, dead fish and I'm loving it." "Are you so blind you cannot see the changes in yourself?" "Detective?" "Soon the dragon will dance through the hoop of Jupiter." "If at that moment the monkey will ride the Jaguar and the tiger will feast on the new bile the order of the universe will be such that the evil one will reign Supreme for eternity." "There are only a few days left." "Oh, oh, my." "And I haven't even started shopping yet." "The chosen one who was killed to train for 25 years." "If we do not begin to try and master your powers there will be no champion to oppose the evil one." "Champion?" "What is this champion stuff?" "I'm sorry they didn't have the champion course at the police academy." "I'm just a gun and badge man." "You do not have a choice in the matter." "Fate has selected you." "You are the Kabukiman." "It is your duty." "TV ANCHOR (ON TV):" "A New York City police woman was brutally raped and beaten in the Central" "Park wildling incident." "We now take you live to Reverend Snipes, outspoken community leader." "What is it?" "I'm an angry man tonight." "And I hope I'm not alone in my anger." "When mere children are persecuted for youthful indiscretions as though they are hardened criminals, it makes me angry." "The media circus that's been generated by this minor incident makes me angry." "You know, and I know, that your television cameras and your newspaper reporters would be nowhere in sight if those involved had been the children of privilege instead of these innocent victims of poverty." "Why do we have out the deadly transvestite, detective?" "The sadist that will strike back." "Publicity hungry, jackass." "He's more trouble than he's worth." "I never should have given him the assignment." "I told you to let me handle it." "You were right." "Rembrandt's always right." "Rembrandt, I want you to insert yourself much more deeply into the situation." "That policewoman does not live through the night." "You understand?" "Yes, sir." "Rembrandt, this time be a little less artistic." "Just make it look like a simple accident, OK?" "REMBRANDT:" "Gee, officer LaRosa, It's such a shame that the hospitals going to make a slight mistake with your dosage." "Goodbye, officer LaRosa." "Well excuse me, doctor." "You're too important to speak to a lowly nurse." "Boy , that burns me down." "Well, dear, it's time for you aspirin." "Gee, I guess you're not doing as well as I thought you were." "My goodness, that's a lot of morphine the doctor prescribed." "Oh well, doctor knows best." "[LAROSA PROTESTING]" "Yes, dear, I know you're in a lot of pain." "But you're going to be all right in a minute." "NURSE (OVER INTERCOM):" "Doctor Hotch?" "Attention doctors, tickets to the medicaid ball go on sale Tuesday." "Holy shit." "NURSE (OVER INTERCOM):" "Come blue, trauma team." "Room 232." "LaRosa?" "LaRosa's room, where is it?" "No visitors." "What do you mean no visitors?" "Wait a minute." "NURSE:" "It wasn't my fault." "I was watching TV and then they just came in and I picked up the job." "You were supposed to give her aspirin." "Look what you did to here." "I did what I was supposed to do." "You killed her." "I was watching TV, I picked up the chart." "She had a headache." "Now she's dead." "There was adjustments." "What happened?" "NURSE:" "And then I just followed orders." "DOCTOR:" "You're going to be in big trouble." "This is going to go on your permanent record." "NURSE:" "Oh no, don't let it ruin my career." "It was an accident." "NURSE 2:" "I'm sorry, sir." "Connie?" "I'm telling you, Dick." "LaRosa was murdered." "She was murdered." "I saw him in the hospital." "The same guy I saw shoot up the theater." "And I told you, Griswold, the theater case is closed." "Come on, Dick." "Wake up." "Something stinks here." "All right, first this Reginald Stewart guy just hands us this supposed theater killer." "Then Reverend Snipes, who LaRosa was investigating, bails out the gang that attacked LaRosa." "And then the hospital just happens to mix up" "LaRosa's charts and kills her?" "I'm telling you, Dick." "The guy who shot the theater is the guy who killed LaRosa." "And somehow Stuart and Snipes are involved." "Cut the crap, Griswold." "You're not fooling anybody because you stuck to being a cop instead of dancing around in your fairy suit none of this would have happened." "LaRosa's dead because of you, asshole." "DICK:" "Cut it out." "Cut it out." "Cut it out." "Now look, we're all upset about Connie." "Yesterday the commissioner calls me to take a bite out of my ass the size of Brooklyn because one of my men is running around harassing Reginald Stewart." "Look I've got newspapers all over my ass about a vigilante cop." "This is it, Harry." "This is the last warning." "There will be no more make up, no more of kimonos, and no more chop sticks." "So you're just going to leave Snipes alone." "Harry?" "Harry get the hell out." "Get the hell out." "Get the hell out." "Jesus Christ." "GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER):" "Something had to be done." "Snipes had to be dealt with." "REVEREND SNIPES:" "Brothers and sisters." "Brothers and sisters, let me here an amen." "CONGREGATION:" "Amen." "Hallelujah." "REVEREND SNIPES:" "The good Lord thanks you for your generosity." "CONGREGATION:" "Preach the word." "Your money will help pay for the legal defense of these innocent young victims of the wealthy elite who run this city." "Now I'm not going to ask you where you got all those watches and jewelry that you so generously gave to our church." "Boy, this stuff is coming in hot and heavy." "And there's plenty more out there." "Let me hear an amen." "CONGREGATION:" "Amen." "We must be strong against the scourge of crime." "CONGREGATION:" "Hallelujah." "We must be strong against the scourge of racists." "But most of all we must be strong against the scourge of drugs." "CONGREGATION:" "Tell the word of God." "Beware the dealers of drugs for they are everywhere." "Why some of those vultures are standing across the street peddling their poison even now." "In fact, one of them is wearing a big red hat." "Red like the devil." "You can't miss him." "[LAUGHING]" "Reverend?" "Sergeant Harry Griswold." "I want to ask you some questions." "My people have been harassed enough by you and your storm trooper detectives." "I have nothing to say." "Well then I'll talk, because I think it's pretty damn strange that these maggots you're defending attacked a police officer that was investigating you." "And now she's dead." "How dare you come into my-- I mean, the Lord's house, and accuse me." "I have more lawyers than you got fingers, Junior." "Sure you're upset over the accidental death of a fellow officer." "I understand." "But from what I hear, she was dressed pretty hot." "Maybe she was in the park looking for little action, detective." "Ah!" "Stay back." "I can't be responsible for what's going to happen." "Oh, that's it." "[GRUNTING]" "Kabuki spirit?" "Come on down." "[GROWLING]" "Stay back." "He's turning into that guy in the striped bathrobe again." "Ah!" "All right." "[COUGHING]" "Nobody move." "Watch him there." "He's crazy." "You bastard!" "You killed LaRosa." "Now I'm going to get you." "Don't kill me." "I'll give you anything you want." "I'll give you drugs." "I'll give you women." "I'll give you my season tickets to the Giants." "What do you want?" "I want you!" "Quit clowning with us, Asshole." "I'm warning you." "I'll use my chopsticks." "[YELLING]" "[SHOES SQUEAKING]" "REMBRANDT:" "Where did the clown go?" "Police emergency, kid." "I need to commandeer this vehicle." "Now." "[INTERPOSING VOICES]" "[SCREAMING]" "Here." "Shut up and stop punching me." "Come on!" "[SCREAMING CONTINUES]" "[HORN HONKING]" "Oh my!" "No!" "Lord!" "What the hell are you doing, boys?" "Hey, what's the matter with you?" "[SCREAMING]" "Oh, the tricycle." "Unicycle?" "This will do." "[SCREAMING]" "Excuse me." "Pardon me." "Pardon me." "Excuse me." "Pardon me." "Pardon me." "Excuse me." "[YELLING]" "GRISWOLD:" "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Get out of the way." "Get out." "Oh, my God." "Look out." "Oh, my God." "[SCREAMING]" "JUGHEAD:" "Shut up, lady." "He's in the alley." "Cut him off." "Woh!" "[SCREAMING]" "Kids, cheer up." "Coco the clown will be here any minute." "I payed full price in advance." "I know he's coming." "So cheer up." "Come on, kids." "REMBRANDT:" "Bring your gun." "MOM:" "You see this cute, little thing?" "Come on now." "Look!" "I payed a lot of money for these noise makers, you guys." "That stupid clown was supposed to be here a half an hour ago." "I knew I should have used Mr. Stella the magician." "Look, look, here he comes." "Well at least he's hurrying." "Kids!" "Kids, it's clown." "Kids, look." "I hate clowns." "You're going to have some fun." "Nancy Nicerson said that when you first got here you would do your act next to the little birthday girl." "And that you would bring out the toy and poodle Now I don't" "[GUN SHOTS]" "[CHILDREN CHEERING]" "GRISWOLD:" "Happy Birthday!" "[INTERPOSING VOICES]" "[GUN SHOTS]" "Awesome party!" "Where did you get all the guns?" "Wait a minute." "I don't have my safety belt on." "Come on with that, you weenie." "Stop!" "In the name of the law." "There's a clown on the windshield." "Do something about it." "Woh!" "Get rid of him." "We can't see." "Come on." "Swerve." "[YELLING]" "Woh!" "Get off!" "Get rid of him!" "Get off!" "Good to see you, Captain Bender." "And I hope they catch the bastards that stole your three shirts." "Well that's four shirts." "But don't worry about it, Herb." "I got my best man on it, Harry Griswold." "Pull it over." "He wants you to pull it over." "You know, pull it over." "Yeah, I'll take care of the bozo." "Woh!" "JUGHEAD:" "He's still there." "Do something." "Oh no!" "He's using silly string." "Now we really can't see!" "Once again, thank you very much." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Get him off." "Whoa." "Get him." "I can't see." "Take care." "Have a good day." "[SCREAMING]" "REMBRANDT:" "Look what you made me do, you weenie." "What did you do to the care, you weenie?" "You're the driver." "Cops." "Let's get out of here." "Good thing I had my safety belt on." "[SIRENS WAILING]" "[YELLING]" "Oh my head." "Oh, God." "What is this?" "What the Hell?" "Oh, God." "What did you do to me?" "Mr. Goldberg?" "Detective Harry Griswold." "I need to ask you a few questions about the shirt robberies." "Now where the shirts in boxes or on hangers?" "Or?" "Freeze." "Don't shoot." "Don't shoot." "It's me." "It's me, Harry Griswold." "Harry Griswold?" "I know Harry." "I said" " Holy shit." "It is Griswold." "Griswold what the hell are you doing here?" "What did you do?" "[CRYING]" "GRISWOLD:" "I'm innocent." "I didn't" " I didn't do it." "Nice dissolve, huh?" "Harry, you're suspended." "Suspended?" "Look, Harry." "Look, I tried to warn you." "[SQUEAKING]" "But this clown thing is the last straw." "I've got Snipes pressing charges against you." "These damn matches." "Thank you." "Let me help you, Captain." "Not to mention a kid who tells me that you stole his tricycle." "Reginald Stuart is bent out of shape." "The newspapers are using you to make a laughingstock of the entire force." "[CHUCKLING]" "Turn that damn thing off." "But Snipes?" "Forget him." "Harry, forget about Snipes." "Look, you know if it was up to me I'd give you another chance." "I'd give you another shot." "But the words coming down from the top this time, and-- give me your gun and give me you shield." "Give this thing a chance to cool down, OK?" "I'm sorry, Harry." "GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER):" "OK, so things had gotten out of hand." "There was only one thing left to do, go see Lotus." "I figured maybe she could turn things around for me." "[DOORBELL RINGING]" "I didn't notice you had a butler." "[SNARLS]" "Excuse me?" "Howdy." "How are you doing?" "Listen, I'm sorry about my behavior before." "You're right." "I do need to learn how to control whatever this thing that's happening to me is." "Oh, look, all gone." "Yummy worms." "Tasted just like chicken." "So what's with the monkey?" "His name is Toyota." "He was born in the backseat of a 2000 ZT." "I like a dog face monkey that has an appreciation for expensive sports cars." "Please remove your shoes and Toyota will bring you a change of clothing." "TOYOTA:" "Clothing What size?" "[GROWLING]" "Please join me in meditation." "Oh, yeah, well all right." "All right." "OK." "Whoa." "Oh!" "This is kind of a rush." "Please close your eyes and concentrate, detective." "Ohm." "(SINGING) She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes." "When she comes." "She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes." "She'll be coming around the mountain when-- oh, a little foot massage?" "Very nice." "You know, your hands feel a little rough." "Sort of like rope." "Hey." "Hey, what are you doing." "Hey!" "Let me down." "It is important that we establish an effective teacher pupil relationship." "If we had more time we could build the foundations of the relationship on mutual respect and trust." "As it is, it will be easier to work with fear and pain." "Hee-Yah!" "[YELLING]" "What the hell did you do that for?" "To get your attention." "Your first lesson will develop your patience, concentration, and endurance." "Now I want you to separate the rice into brown, white, and yellow piles and then count every grain." "Are you out of you mind?" "Cut me down from here right now." "Ee-ha!" "[GROANS]" "Please begin to separate and count the rice, detective." "The bamboo can withstand more blows than your nether regions." "All right." "All right." "OK." "OK." "Oh, all right." "one white grain." "[LAUGHING]" "GRISWOLD:" "One yellow grain." "One brown grain." "Two white grain." "Grains of yellow rice." "And 1,846 grains of brown rice." "LOTUS:" "Very good." "That only took you five hours." "Concentration and focus are the key to harnessing your Kabukiman powers." "Now let's see if you can do it in three hours." "Look, I told you I am aching all over." "I got a headache this big." "I can't imagine why." "My nether regions are somewhere in South Jersey." "And on top of that you ruined my appetite for rice." "I'm going home!" "But we must complete your training." "Lady, off of me, OK?" "Look you're not thrilled about me being your Kabuki, whatever, well I'm not that thrilled about it myself." "I'm afraid you don't understand." "The evil one will soon know who you are, if he does not already." "If you are not prepared by the time the Dragon gets" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "And the monkey's and the jaguar's will jump rope and go to brunch." "Could you just once say something that doesn't sound like you just flew in from Pluto." "Clearly you have no comprehension of the scope of your mission." "The evil one never sleeps." "You must be ready for an attack at any time." "Oh, I'm ready to attack my pillow." "I have tried in vain reason with you, Japanese style." "Now I must resort to American style Hee-ya!" "I'm warning you." "I don't want to have to hit you." "That's it." "I'm sorry." "I" "Hi-ya!" "The way to a man's brain is through his nether regions." "You win." "I don't get my jollies beating up women, you know?" "All right, I'll do what you want." "Very well." "Kabuki tradition." "American tradition, one for good luck." "Our revels now our ended." "The time is almost upon us." "Soon there will be no stopping us." "But in the meantime, we must be very, very careful." "The first thing we must do is to move everything out of the church." "Now I know this cop, Griswold, has been suspended, but I've dealt with his type many time before." "He will never, never leave us alone." "Griswold must be eliminated." "Everyone associated with Griswold must be eliminated." "Then, and only then, will everything be in order." "Only then will we emerge triumphant." "LOTUS:" "Kabukiman's spiritual powers come from mastering the haiku's." "GRISWOLD:" "What's that?" "Karate?" "LOTUS:" "No, it's a classical form of Japanese poetry, you turkey." "Please read the haiku on the first page." "Cherry = on the hill, when singing to blossoms my soul is called home." "You will achieve harmony of the body and mind by mastering the simple, yet perfect form." "You know, I couldn't help but notice when we were beating the crap out of each other that you have a simple yet perfect form yourself." "Please, we do not have time flirtation." "The haiku, Harry." "You called me Harry." "Please, the haiku, concentrate." "Cherry tree on hill, wind singing to the blossoms, my soul is called home." "Cherry tree on hill, wind singing to the blossoms, my soul is called home." "Cherry tree on hill, wind singing to the blossoms, my soul is called home." "Cherry tree on hill, wind singing to the blossoms, my soul is called home." "Cherry tree on hill, singing to the blossoms, my soul is called home." "There you go, buddy." "Get yourself a cup of coffee." "LOTUS:" "Well done." "Now you must learn to understand and control your powers." "Look around you." "What do you see?" "I see" " I see crime." "I see poverty." "I see evil everywhere." "I see a power elite of corporate money mongers controlling our brains and our destiny's while they dismantle the sacred foundations of the bill of rights." "(SINGING) Oh, say can you see!" "I think we have work to do." "Come on." "Whoa." "GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER):" "My pursuit of truth, justice and the kabuki way had begone." "Tell all you congressman friends that if they meddle with the National Endowment for the Arts they'll have me, Kabukiman, to deal with." "So you pimps and hookers want to roll in the hay?" "Well how about a sushi roll?" "Oh, my God!" "Isn't it gorgeous?" "It's lovely." "I can't get enough of it." "Don't touch it." "Ooh, let me play with it." "REMBRANDT:" "Come on." "Get moving." "The boss wants his stuff moved to the Steward Pandex stocks in Tromaville." "You got the lion's cage?" "Banana's for the monkey?" "GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER):" "After morning of crime fighting I like to come home to a nice lunch of fresh sea urchin, you know?" "Please excuse the mess." "It looks like a bomb hit it." "Lotus?" "Lotus?" "Are you all right?" "That's it." "First LaRosa, now you almost got killed." "You may think I'm a champion of good for the whole universe, but this is something that I have to take care of for me, Harry Griswold." "LOTUS:" "Harry, watch out!" "[LAUGHTER]" "[SQUEAKING]" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "You're such a weenie." "Can't you be around me without touching me?" "Hello, you weenie." "Stop touching me!" "That's the crazy cop dude with chopsticks." "No!" "No!" "No!" "Where is Snipes?" "Who are you?" "I'm Kabukiman." "[PAGER BEEPING]" "It's Jughead, he's in trouble." "What has that weenie got himself into?" "Watch the truck." "You guys come on." "Smile, you're on Kabuki camera." "JUGHEAD:" "Oh no." "I guess I am a weenie after all." "It's over, Kabukiman." "I'm sure your fans will be a little disappointed." "[GUN SHOTS]" "It's cocktail hour." "I hope you like Molotov." "Get him!" "[GUN SHOTS]" "REMBRANDT:" "The score is two zip, but you're mine now." "Jump!" "GRISWOLD:" "Jump?" "LOTUS:" "Go ahead." "Jump!" "What are you nuts?" "What are you afraid of?" "Breaking my neck." "Don't be such a sissy." "I'm not a sissy." "I'm scared of heights, all right?" "Look Kabukiman has the power to fly." "But a grenade in the stomach?" "I'm not so sure." "All right!" "Fly slowly." "You do not have your super hero learners permit yet." "We got winds coming in from the North." "Barometric pressure rising." "Oh, foggy conditions ahead." "So, counselor, by cutting a deal with you my sleazy client, who we both know is guilty, walks away scot-free." "Probably to kill again, but not in our neighborhood." "[LAUGHTER]" "I don't feel very good." "What's wrong?" "I've never flown before." "I usually take the train." "Once again we both profit at society's expense." "[LAUGHTER]" "You're not going to be ill, are you?" "No, no." "No, no." "Well, counselor, I guess lunch at the bar association is off." "I guess I had a little too much sea urchin for lunch." "GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER):" "Since my flight prematurely departed." "I thought I'd drop Lotus off and head back to the church to pick up another passenger." "Let me see." "I got to pick up my airplane ticket." "I got my passport." "And I'm getting the hell out of here." "GRISWOLD:" "Going somewhere, Reverend?" "Let me go!" "Let me go!" "Please, let me go!" "I'll do anything you want." "Anything!" "What's the matter with you?" "Are you crazy?" "Help me!" "He's crazy!" "Oh, Jesus!" "I don't know anything." "Oh, yeah?" "See that over there?" "It's the beautiful empire state building." "And if I were to drop you over that point just right you would get a crash course in proctology." "You don't start talking I'm going to make yakitori out of you." "Get my point, Snipes?" "All right." "All right." "I'll talk." "Reginald Stuart, he's the one you want." "He's the one who got that lady cop killed, not me." "It was Reginald Stuart." "Snipes confessed everything." "I wish you could have seen the look on his face when I had him hanging over the Empire State Building." "Anyway, I've got it all here on tape." "There's enough here to put him and Stuart away for life." "LOTUS:" "That is wonderful." "You have done so well in such a short time." "The evil one must be fearful of you." "It's only because if you." "Without you around my powers are useless." "You are the champion, Harry." "Not I. To you and Kabukiman." "Kabukiman-san jo." "I'll be back." "I'm taking this to the cops." "Whoa." "RADIO:" "Z Morning Zoo." "ROSS BRITTEN (ON RADIO):" "Ross Britten of the zoo crew." "Coach Mike you had a special astronomy alert?" "COACH MIKE (ON RADIO):" "Yeah, good news for the star watchers." "Tonight there will be a very rare celestial occurrence." "The Draconus Hoopus will be visible for the the first time in a thousand years." "REMBRANDT:" "Hey, Mario, turn that radio off and get your gun." "The boss is coming." "FELICIA:" "Mr. Stuart we're all ready." "We got the tiger and we haven't fed him." "Just like you said." "We're taking him out for exercise to make him even hungrier." "REGINALD STUART:" "Good." "He's good and hungry." "And what have we in this cage?" "FELICIA:" "Now this is the jaguar and he's been trained to have a monkey ride on his back." "OK, well now, as for the monkey, we tried to get a regular monkey but this lemur is the only kind of monkey that can ride side saddle." "REGINALD STUART:" "Ok. a lemur is in the monkey family." "And soon the dragon will dance through the hoop of Jupiter." "Whoa!" "I thought I left that open." "Huh?" "Honey, I'm home." "Hi, honey." "I missed you." "My hair!" "What have you done with Lotus?" "By now your new bile, little friend is being seasoned for the tiger's feast." "You're getting weaker without her, Kabukipig." "Faggot super hero." "Your powers are useless without a woman's love." "All you need is love." "What are you going to do now, Detective Griswold?" "What any good cop would do." "You're not going to shoot me are you?" "You're under arrest." "You have the right to remain silent." "Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law." "You have the right to an attorney." "Or an undertaker." "Oh, Lotus." "I can't seem to do it without her." "Power?" "TOYOTA:" "Lotus?" "Its OK, pal, we'll find Lotus." "TOYOTA:" "LOTUS." "Oh, you got a suggestion?" "[TOYOTA GROWLING]" "What do you-- what do you got there?" "What?" "Come on." "Let's go." "Come on." "You sure she's in here?" "You better not be sending me on a wild goose chaise." "This better not be a banana factory or you're dog meat." "I'm here walking around with a monkey on my back." "I don't believe this." "All right, we're going in there." "Car!" "Yeah, we'll hide here." "FELICIA:" "Ooh, she's dressed pretty hot." "REGINALD STUART:" "Is the tiger ready?" "FELICIA:" "Easy boy." "Dinner will be served very soon , you hungry little tiger." "REGINALD STUART:" "Bring the new bile." "Soon it will be time." "No!" "REGINALD STUART:" "New bile." "Tie her up." "Tie her up." "That's fine." "Thank you very much." "So Lotus, we meet at last." "And let me say, my dear, that you are twice as beautiful as I thought you'd be." "As you know, dear." "Today marks the end of Mercury's journey." "In just a few short moment the dragon will dance through the hoop of Jupiter, the monkey will ride the jaguar." "And how does the rest that legend go?" "Aw, yes." "The tiger will feast on the new bile." "And let me tell you, dear." "They don't come much more new bile than you." "You bitch." "You'll get yours." "Hey, Jack, getting ready for the tiger's feast." "I hear you have been trying to instruct this detective" "Griswold in how to assume the powers of the great Kabukiman." "It was a nice try, darling." "But Detective Griswold is dead." "That's right." "My Rembrandt never fails." "He is an artist of death." "Toyota, get the gun." "Detective Griswold was nothing but a clumsy, cheap, low payed detective in a $9.00 suit." "You know how to use one of these?" "Take this with you." "All right." "There's a couple of gorillas out there." "I want you to go around back, you get the two out there." "I'm going to go this way." "All right?" "[GUN SHOTS]" "Harry." "Oh, get them, Harry." "Oh, get them, Harry." "Oh." "Oh." "Harry." "You're alive!" "Harry!" "Harry." "Oh, Harry." "Lotus, are you all right?" "Wait a minute, guy." "I've got something you're going to love." "Hurry up." "Give it to me." "Give it to me." "I'm out of bullets." "Shows over, Kabukiman." "CAPTAIN BENDER:" "FREEZE Stuart." "Don't think about it." "Put your hands up slowly." "Slowly." "Put them up." "Joseph Hernandez." "Let's go to work with your car Joseph's put that garment down and get the handcuffs on him." "Harry?" "You all right?" "We got everything we need to put Snipes and Stuart away." "You did good work." "All right, up against the fence." "You have the right to remain silent." "[INAUDIBLE]." "What the hell?" "Get the tiger." "We'll use Felicia." "She's even more new bile. she'll work." "Let the feast begin." "FELICIA:" "No!" "No!" "No!" "[SCREAMING]" "It has begun." "The tiger feast on the new bile." "It has begun." "The time has come." "My time has come." "[LAUGHING]" "The evil one." "Harry!" "Harry." "Harry?" "Harry!" "I think the new bile fulfilled the prophecy" "Harry?" "Harry?" "He's in the larvae state." "And now I'll just worm my way into my little cocoon." "Harry, wake up." "He's turning into the evil one." "Harry?" "Come on!" "Hurry." "The evil one is here." "You must become the Kabukiman." "Only two things remain." "The monkey must ride the jaguar and the dragon must dance through the hoop of Jupiter." "Look, it's happening." "See the dragon, don't you?" "Here let me help." "You see?" "It's just like at the planetarium." "The dragon dances through the hoop of Jupiter!" "The evil one has arrived." "Now it's up to you." "CAPTAIN BENDER:" "Harry?" "Harry?" "What the Hell is this?" "What's going on?" "Get back." "Get back." "Take Lotus." "Get back." "Dick, get out of the way." "Kabukiman." "[CAR STARTING]" "Toyota no!" "Get away from the jaguar." "No!" "No!" "Don't ride the jaguar." "Lotus, come back here now." "You crazy monkey." "You mustn't ride the jaguar." "You're finished, evil one." "The monkey did not ride the jaguar." "No!" "[SCREAMING]" "Harry!" "No!" "Harry!" "Easy, easy, easy." "All right." "We got you." "All right, we got you." "I'm tired." "I'm" " I'm going home." "Griswold?" "I can explain." "I don't want to know." "What I do know is that you're off suspension and you're on vacation as of right now." "Let's go, partner." "So Harry, I mean Kabukiman, you have at least another thousand years before the next time the dragon dances through the hoop of Jupiter." "So what are you going to do with the rest of your time?" "Well I'd like to clean my apartment." "Do a little laundry, maybe." "And take some flying lessons." "Look, up in the sky!" "It's a flying reptile." "No, it's a fixed wing super sonic sleuth bomber." "No, no, no." "You're thinking of a stealth bomber." "No, it's a man in a striped bathrobe." "A man in a striped bathrobe?" "GRISWOLD:" "No, good citizens, it's me, Sergeant Kabukiman, NYPD" "LOTUS:" "Harry, watch out for that pigeon." "Lotus, help me!" "Do something." "Oh, my God." "We're going to crash."