"This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "So when I was 8, we moved from Cheyenne to Calabasas." "You ever been to Calabasas?" "I can't take much more of this." "You don't have to." "We're gonna die soon." "What is that?" "Mice." "It's mice." "Mice?" "That's pretty big mice!" "Burt!" "Don't say a word." "They're right outside." "Burt, what are you doing here?" "What am I doing here?" "I'm the Roto-Rooter man." "We're being rescued." "We're actually being rescued." "You guys okay?" "We're okay now." "Have you seen Wendy?" "No, they're working on it." "Let's cool down." "Maggie, Jodie!" "Thank you!" "Excuse me, we haven't been properly introduced." "Right, hi there." "There's a guard right outside..." "Hey!" "Jodie!" "Maggie!" "Shut up!" "Quiet!" "How's it goin'?" "Dutch!" "Will you..." "Jeez, they give you a terrible room." "Dutch, will you please keep it down?" "Are you guys okay?" "Terrific." "Oh, great." "Now, there's a guard..." "This place was hard to find!" "We believe it." "Now, listen." "Hey, who's the old guy?" "He'll tell you later!" "Hi, old man." "Hi there." "Dutch, will you stop!" "We have come!" "Or, as my esteemed leader would say," ""Enchiladas rancheros."" "Listen, there's a door..." "Hey, Jodie, you feeling okay?" "Fine." "Hey, Billy, you remember Maggie, don't ya?" "I can't tell you what we went through finding this place." "I heard." "Listen." "This is it!" "I never thought we'd find this place!" "You wouldn't believe what we went through." "Fine." "Why is everybody coming in here?" "Why?" "Señor Valdez, we are very grateful." "Oh, no problem." "You know, as I always say," ""When there is a maiden in distress..."" ""El Puerco will get into her dress."" "What?" "!" "I always wanted to say that." "And I'm glad it's finally out of my system." "You guys are supposed to be outside." "Will you get out there?" "Yech!" "What a dump!" "Ugh." "I should have brought the dip." "Listen, fellas..." "You wouldn't believe what we went through to find this place." "Hey, Juan, you remember Maggie, don't ya?" "Ah, sí, buenos noches." "We were very worried about you, Jodie." "Hey, Chuck, you remember Maggie, don't ya?" "Stop-o." "Zip-o." "Listen here, now." "In a little while, they're gonna be on to us..." "Now we're all gonna die." "What happened?" "Major?" "Major, if this is your idea of a joke?" "Nice try, sheriff." "That's not the Major." "So, you have failed again, Mr. Dallas." "You have failed to retrieve your daughter, and now you have failed to escape." "You must realize you cannot defeat a Minja Sama." "Now you shall..." "Oh!" "Ho." "The keys." "Get the keys." "Don't shout!" "Oh, Wendy." "Oh!" "All right." "If you don't mind my saying so, we've worn out our welcome here." "So let us get the hell out." "Saunders, how can we thank you?" "Something from Tiffany's would be nice." "Oh, listen, hey, old-paly, if you wanna come along, there's room in the camper." "Oh, you're..." "You're too kind." "You know, it's been 25 years since I've seen the light of day." "Your skin looks wonderful." "Say, tell me, how's President Eisenhower doing these days?" "Gee, I'm sorry to tell you, but Ike's passed on." "Oh, my God." "That means that Nixon is president." "Okay, now, you're sure you're not feeling faint?" "No, I'm fine." "Oh, good." "Okay." "Oh!" "She just fainted five minutes ago." "She's a fainter." "She's always been a fainter." "You should have seen her." "Her eyes rolled back in her head." "She looked like Orphan Annie." "Put your head between your knees." "You're talking to me?" "No." "I didn't know the eyes rolled back." "That part surprised me." "She has fainted all her life." "If we added it up, she's been two, three years out cold." "She's going to be okay, thank you." "Mary, I cannot believe you haven't outgrown this fainting business." "Oh, Jess, you're talking to me." "Head down." "You fainted over everything, everywhere we went." "To the dentist, the movies, the zoo." "I have spent half my life picking you up off the floor." "Jess, I need you so." "I'm in trouble." "My life is a mess." "I don't know what to do." "The baby might be an alien." "Burt barely speaks to me." "And I've started drinking." "Mary, are you just saying this to get back on my good side?" "Oh, Jessie, I've missed you so." "Well, Mary, I've missed you too." "You have?" "Yes." "Yes, I have." "Oh!" "Oh, Mary." "Oh, Mary, when we broke up, I just didn't know what to do, because I couldn't go to my best friend and tell her about my sister, and I couldn't go to my sister" "and tell her about my best friend, because you were both, and I didn't have anybody to talk to." "Me neither." "Jess, you do understand about Chester, don't you?" "I mean, there didn't seem any point, except possibly to hurt..." "I didn't want to do that." "I know, Mary." "Well, it was just one of those times when there was no terrific thing to do." "I mean, to tell me or not to tell me, both of them were terrible." "It's okay, Mary." "I understand now." "Jess." "Mwah!" "So... what's all this about your life?" "I drink a lot, Jess." "Well, Mary, you should." "The body needs fluids." "See, you can go for weeks without eating, but only a couple of days without drinking." "Then your tongue turns black and falls out of your head." "No, Jess, alcohol." "I think I'm an alcoholic." "You are not an alcoholic." "Now, what's this about the baby being an alien?" "He does odd things, Jess." "Mary, drunks see things." "Jessica, I am not seeing things." "They're real." "Mary, are you asking me to trust an alcoholic about this?" "Believe me, it is not the baby." "It's the bourbon." "The baby is just fine." "Now, what about Burt?" "What's the matter with you and Burt?" "I'm afraid I'm losing him." "Well, Mary, if you keep drinking and seeing things, can you blame him?" "They're real, Jess." "Really." "I mean, it started before the drinking." "Burt and the baby, it started before." "It did?" "Yes." "Come on, Mary, let's go." "We've got a lot to talk about." "We can't talk about it here." "Let's have lunch." "We'll talk about it over a drink." "So, what do you think?" "I think I'm in shock." "What's so shocking?" "You asked me to marry you." "Now I'm asking you to marry me." "Maggie, I asked you to marry me when I thought we were gonna die." "I meant it at the time." "I mean, it's not like I thought," ""What the hell, we're gonna die anyway."" "Well, you haven't asked me since we made love in the dungeon." "So I thought I would ask you." "Will you marry me?" "Maggie, it's not that I don't want to." "It's just that, I don't think you understand everything that's involved here." "So you're saying that you do want to..." "Maggie, don't you understand?" "I don't know what I am." "What if, in two years, I fall in love with another man?" "What if, in two years," "I fall in love with another man?" "That's normal." "But that's not normal for me." "I don't fall in love with men." "I love you." "I want to marry you." "Maggie, I'm afraid." "Jodie, you are not a fruit cup." "How do you know?" "How do you..." "I don't even know that!" "So this is it?" "This is goodbye?" "Maggie, what about therapy?" "I don't need it." "For me." "For me to be sure... about me." "Jodie, you don't just go to a shrink and get straightened out in a day." "Maggie, I want you to wait." "But I don't feel that I can ask you to wait." "Will you wait?" "Jodie, I love you." "Maggie, I love you." "I just wanna be sure that I always will." "Hiya, Jodie." "Uh, hey, Phillip." "Haven't seen you, uh, around lately." "Yeah, I have been kind of here and there." "This is, uh, interesting." "Uh, Maggie, this is Phillip." "Phillip, this is Maggie, my fiancée." "Hi, Phil." "This is a joke, right?" "I beg your pardon?" "Listen, Phil, it was really nice seeing you again." "Oh, yeah, right, sure." "Uh, Jodie..." "Of course it's a real woman, you idiot." "Sheriff!" "Sheriff!" "Sheriff!" "All right, knock it off." "Now, I told you, nobody gets called on if they stand up." "You must sit down." "And raise your hand." "Man in the leisure suit." "Sheriff, when you had dinner at the White House, what did you talk about?" "Crime and veal." "Would you elaborate on that?" "Well, we voted the veal is better in the east." "It's more tender." "And that, uh, crime is very bad." "All right, this guy over here with all the gold chains." "Sheriff, I'm from People Magazine, we'd, uh, like to know, uh, what you sleep in." "A bed." "A bed!" "Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, but this press conference is over." "Sheriff Campbell has business to take care of." "There'll be another one again soon." "Come on." "All right, let's go, let's go." "Next time, wear ties." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Okay." "There ya go." "Danny, I'm so glad to see you." "Where you been?" "It's been a couple of days." "Look, all right." "I'm sorry for what I said." "I-I-I take it all back." "You and Gwen, it's fine." "It's..." "So what'd you do, you eloped?" "We didn't elope, Burt." "Good, thank God, because that was a terrible idea." "How'd you do it?" "What'd you say?" "Well, they asked me about my dinner at the White House." "I told them." "Nah, come on, don't play games." "What'd you say?" "Well, that it was lovely." "That we had veal parmesan and broccoli." "To Gwen." "What did you say to Gwen?" "What?" "Wait a minute, I didn't..." "I haven't..." "I didn't..." "You told her something, Burt." "You told her something to make her go away." "Now, I wanna know what it was and where she is!" "Danny, I'm telling..." "Listen, I'm swearing to you." "I don't know what you're talking about." "I didn't see her, I didn't talk to..." "What's up?" "She's gone." "I went out to rent a car, and when I came back, she was gone." "She was gonna marry me, Burt." "And then you tell me you think it's a bad idea, and then she disappears." "Now, what the hell did you say to her?" "Did you tell her to leave for me, huh?" "For my career?" "What the hell did you say, Burt?" "Danny listen to me." "Now, listen." "I swear," "I swear that I said nothing to her." "I haven't seen her, Danny." "That was a terrific news conference, sheriff." "Yeah fine, Perkins..." "Boy, those answers were great." "Bed!" "I love that!" "You sleep in a bed." "Ha-ha." "Great answers!" "Did you come in here just to kinda shoot the breeze or what?" "Oh, no, I brought the mail, sir." "Uh, there's some fan letters, uh, your subscription to Guns and Ammo has started." "Thank you, Perkins, you can leave now." "One from Bill Buckley." "I'd read it right away." "And a letter from your girlfriend." "Perkins." "Yes, sir?" "Could you go?" "Sure." "Now?" "I'm sor..." ""Dear Danny, I can't marry you." "I don't love you." ""I never have." "You're just a good friend." "That's all." "Gwen."" "Danny, I'm sorry." "I had nothing to do with this." "I would never hurt you like this." "Danny, I am..." "I'm sorry." "Guess I owe you an apology." "No, just forget about that." "What is it, Burt?" "What the hell happens?" "Elaine gets murdered, Polly leaves me, and now Gwen." "Every time I fall in love, something happens." "Is this the way it's gonna be for the rest of my life?" "Am I gonna be alone forever?" "Come on, Danny." "What are you talking..." "Wait a minute." "Hi-ho, Bat Campbell here." "Whoopsie-do, governor." "How are ya?" "Hoo-hoo!" "No, busy." "Am I?" "Of course I'm not busy." "Whatever you..." "Go ahead." "Golf?" "Oh!" "When?" "Sunday, you got it!" "Golf, I love golf." "I love the shirts." "Have a seat, Mr. Dallas." "Dr. Rudolph will be with you in just a minute." "Thank you." "Ooh!" "Hello." "Dr. Rudolph?" "Hello." "I'm Jodie Dallas..." "I'm sorry, my palms are a little sweaty." "I'm nervous." "I take it this is your first therapy season." "You could tell." "It's perfectly normal to be a little nervous the first time." "Oh, good." "Therapy can be pretty terrifying, or it can be really..." "Everybody down!" "What is it?" "Bees." "What?" "Bees." "Where?" "All around us!" "Get back!" "Get back!" "I take it you're not the doctor." "They're gone." "But they'll be back." "They always come back." "Bees are animals." "They're back." "Get away from me." "Ooh!" "Get them off!" "It's pretty unusual for this time of the year, isn't it?" "Ow!" "What?" "I'm stung... right on the beeper!" "Do something." "Help me!" "Help me!" "Uh, how about a little calamine lotion?" "What?" "Look, uh, a little calamine lotion." "Are you crazy?" "That bottle is completely empty." "I'm getting out of here." "Okay, that's it." "Mr. Dallas." "H-h-hi." "Hi." "I'm feeling much better now." "Thank you." "I know." "Everyone's a little nervous the first time." "Dr. Rudolph?" "Yes." "Hi." "Uh, can I ask you something?" "That guy who just left here..." "Bigelow." "Nice fella." "Hates bees." "What seems to be troubling you?" "Nothing." "This is gonna be a short session." "Well." "Have a seat." "See, I don't, uh..." "I don't see bees flying around or anything." "I'm a pretty normal guy." "I see." "But there must be some reason why you're here." "Yes." "I wanna get married." "To me?" "No, you see, I'm gay." "Or I used to be gay." "I don't know, but I know I'm in love with a woman, and I wanna marry her." "Why don't ya?" "Because it wouldn't be fair to her." "Say we had a child, and in two years," "I fall in love with another man." "Do you want children?" "Oh yeah, that's why I have one." "You have a child?" "Mm-hm." "But not by her, by another woman." "Let me get his straight." "You have a child by one woman, but you want to marry another woman and someday have children with her, and you're worried about being gay." "The other woman doesn't count, because it wasn't love." "That's a whole other story." "Story?" "Sounds like a miniseries." "So I thought I would come to a shrink..." "I beg your pardon." "Oh, that's perfectly all right." "I don't mind being called a shrink." "I call my shrink a shrink." "You've have a shrink?" "Shrinks can't have shrinks?" "Yeah, sure, I..." "I guess that's normal." "I mean, you spend all day listening to everybody's problems," "I imagine you'd go a little bananas." "We don't like to use the term "bananas."" ""Bananas" and "crackers."" "Sorry." "It's all right." "It's perfectly true." "If I didn't have a shrink, I probably would go bananas." "So you'll help me?" "Well, we can work on this, and in time," "I think we can come to some conclusions." "How long?" "Depends." "May take a matter of months or a matter of years." "Most likely the latter." "I can't ask Maggie to wait years for me." "Mr. Dallas, there are no shortcuts." "What about hypnosis?" "You know, I read that some woman some place was brought back to another life or something, and in a matter of moments, it became clear as to why she cried every time she wore a hat." "Hypnotherapy is a tool, but it's not always effective, Mr. Dallas." "There are dangers." "Like what?" "Well, it is conceivable that I couldn't bring you back." "You could actually get locked into a different time period." "And I'd get sued up the gi-gi." "I'd sign a waver releasing you of all liabilities." "Then again, hypnotherapy can prove to be extremely valuable." "Would you be interested in some other forms of psychiatric shortcuts?" "Like what?" "Oh, the, uh, sensory deprivation tank." "What's this?" "Trust me, you'll love it." "Sign right there." "Then there's LSD 25." "A very fine alternative." "No, no acid." "I draw the line at hallucinogenics." "Great, just testing." "It's illegal anyway." "Well, uh, when can I begin treatment?" "Now, that's the hard part." "Let me see when I can possibly get to you." "Oh, tomorrow would be great." "What luck!" "I just happen to have free time tomorrow." "That's terrific." "Same time tomorrow?" "Great, see you then." "Uh, doctor..." "Sorry, we don't validate." "Cancel my appointment for tomorrow at this time." "Have we got a hot one." "This guy actually signs wavers!" "Since the psychiatrist convinced Jodie that hypnosis might help him find himself, will Jodie find anything he likes?" "And if not, will he still pay his doctor's bill?" "Now that Jessica and Mary started speaking again, will Mary stop drinking?" "Or will she continue to find solace in a bottle?" "Will Burt's newfound fame cause his ego to grow?" "And if so, will he have to find a bigger office?" "These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of Soap."