"Murder Most Horrid" "Ooh..." "I feel all..." "centrally heated." "Sauce." "You're a tiger, you are." "Terry the tiger." "Smashing Bird" "Do ya know what I want?" "An all-over tan, some kinky boots, and my own club." "But first I want more tiger." "Typical." "Thank you." "Training!" "What?" "Now?" "Come on!" "Float like a butterfly!" "I'm trying!" "Let's have some sweat!" "You want to get in your wedding dress, don't you?" "If only!" "Come on, girl." "Find the angles, get your guard up, you're wide open, could get a horse and cart through that." "Sorry, tiger." "No, that's good." "If you are lonely then you will know then you will know" "When someone needs you, you love them so." "I won't betray his trust, though people say I must..." "Bye bye, small fry." "The Todds." "That's it." "They're dead men." "Oy, you looking at my bird?" "I'm drinking my beer..." "Thank you." "You could have killed her!" "Who cares?" "She ain't Sandie Shaw." "Sandie Shaw..." "little skinny voice..." "can't put the shopping in her bra." "She's pefect, that one." "Listen, they'll love you in Spain." "Smile, smile, that's it." "Well." "Your fiancee's got quite a punch on her." "Terry taught me... didn't you?" "Yeah, we'll miss her." "And you." "Yeah, there's planes." "You can visit us." "Yeah, you can come to our club." "Be different from this, of course, cos we're going to have lovely Iavvies with proper locks." "Not that that matters, of course." "I mean, you come here to meet people, don't you?" "Still tomorrow, isn't there then boys, Look." "Got me lucky vest on." "May the bank be full of pesetas." "What's pesetas?" "Spick wad." "Gentlemen, to Terry and Vikki... and spick wad!" "Spick wad!" "Ooh, it's nicer than Babycham, isn't it?" "Aaahh." "It's beautiful." "Four foot high that's gonna be." "Bakery in Haxton, pay us protection, they'll do it for nothing they will." "Don't tell me." "Clancy, Ray, Psycho and Tommy." "Yeah, me seconds." "Good boys, they are." "Marzipan?" "Wood." "I better get going then." "Bye Bye." "Bye darling." "Good luck." "No need." "Got me vest." "We ran up the road." "We turned the corner." "He smiled." "Then he switched the engine on." "He died with a smile." "That's what he would have wanted." "I wrote a poem." "Look." "Ray." "Oh yeah." "We rescued this." "That's his lucky vest, that is." "She knows what it is, you toerag!" "When I find out who did it, I'm going to kill them." "Then I'm gonna take their corpses and I'm gonna burn em..." "I'd really like the money now." "Of course." "Terry's cut." "It's yours." "Small bank, was it?" "He didn't drive us away." "He wouldn't have wanted the money." "Not without doing the job." "He was a man of honour, your Terry." "Yeah." "It's what he wouldn't have wanted." "How am I going to live?" "Do you think we're not going to look after you?" "There's a kitchen through there." "You can cook us a meal every night." "We'll Pay you!" "And when you're not doing that, you can sing." "And you can work behind the bar." "This could be a golden opportunity for you." "You're all I've got now." "We need you and you need us." "And anytime you need me, I'm yours." "I don't know what to say." "I do." "Four teas, now." "Right." "I spoke to Jack the Knife." "He's on to be our driver." "Oh, good." "I don't trust that Razor Eddie." "I can drive." "I'd earn more wouldn't I?" "And I've already got the nickname 'cos they used to call me Yo Yo Drawers at school." "Birds can't drive." "No." "No." "Who wants sugar?" "It's all right, Terry." "They'll look after me." "They're family." "For a golden girl, knows when he's kissed her," "It's the kiss of death from Mr. Goldfinger..." "Pretty girl, beware of this head of gold..." "This heart is cold..." "Two gin and lime..." "He loves only gold-i" "Only gold" "He loves..." "He loves only gold" "Only gold" "He loves only gold" ""Bill and Barry Todd are the swinging kings of gangland." "They've dined with Diana Dors at their trendy West End club." "They've been snipped by Teasy Weasy and snapped by Bailey..." "Who snaps us, eh?" "Coppers with Box Brownies." "All the world loves brothers." "That's right, isn't it?" "You could be brothers." "Because we've had what, The Righteous Brothers, Everly Brothers, some other brothers..." "and once, you know," "I had an auntie Vi, only she wasn't really my auntie at all." "She just lived at our house and shagged my dad." "My mum didn't seem to mind at all..." "My mother used to scrub our doorstep with her bare hands." "Scrub, scrub, scrub, all bleeding day, and you know what she said?" "Nothing!" "All you could hear was the scrub." "Now that's what I call a woman." "Want your blood pressure pills, Clancy?" "They did for Terry." "I got proof." ""Stay off our patch." "Or more rats will go up in smoke." "The Todds."" "I knew it!" "Where are they?" "They've gone to Spain to buy another club." "Is that a Spanish rat then?" "No." "It's English." "It's an English grey that." "Had rain on it, that has." "Their people sent it." "The Todds don't do their own dirty work." "They delegate." "Yes." "So." "Who's going to go over there and kill them?" "My God, of course." "Why you all looking at me for too long?" "It's the golden opportunity." "Killer." "That sounds better than "driver"." "Doesn't it, Vikki?" "But that's murder." "They'll die if I kill them." "We've done murders." "Now it's your turn." "Who will The Todds be waiting for?" "Clancy's boys, that's who." "The last thing they'll expect is a redhead." "I thought I was supposed to cook and keep my mouth shut." "You kill the Todds, you can open your mouth as wide as you like." "You've got your ticket to Spain already." "Hey, that's destiny, that." "A bird of prey flies South on wings of vengeance." "Birds can't drive." "But birds can kill." "Or maybe they can't?" "Eh, boys?" "Hey!" "I'm as good as any man." "Prove it." "It's what Terry would have wanted." "That's right." "Take the night off." "Think about it." "Your tans are in the oven." "She's bought it, boys." "She's bought it all." "Eat." "[Singing in background]" "We ran out the bank past Freeman Hardy and Willis." "Just before our Terry was killed by his killers." "When we turned the corner, we saw him smile." "Then bang!" "He flew up in the air a mile." "Hold on." "That can't be right." "They were running away from him!" "What about the rat?" "Course." "It was their rat." "They got it from the kitchens, I've seen 'em." "They murder Terry..." "they frame the Todds and then they use me to kill 'em..." "I'll find the angles Terry..." "I'll finish them off..." "All four of them!" "All four of them!" "Look!" "You can see your face in that white." "We're well pleased with you, our Vikki." "You won't get this down the Todds' place." "It's all moussaka down there." "You know what that is, don't you?" "Greek sick." "The worms'll be sick when they eat up the Todds." "I been thinking, I ought to have a practice kill really, ought'nt I?" "Or practice aim at least." "You know get the feel of it, wave it about a bit." "Can I have a go on your gun?" "You can have a go on my gun anytime." "It's simple." "You walk into Club Marbella... bang bang." "Remember when you cuffed that bloke?" "It's the same." "You cuff em with bullets." "Fists of lead." "What then though?" "Coppers come, I go to prison." "Bulldog women shave my head and gope me in the showers till I'm old?" "Spanish coppers couldn't catch their winkles in their zips." "You drop the gun." "Cab to the airport Back to home in time to cook us dinner." "She won't be cooking." "Not after that." "Oh no." "I forgot." "Well Ray can do it, can't you, Raymond?" "Yeah." "I do lovely welsh rarebit." "Yeah, I'm gonna miss the cooking." "And the washing up." "And working behind the bar, so I was just wondering..." "What?" "Whether I can I come round all your houses tomorrow and do your housework?" "Oh yeah." "Teriffic." "And I'll get the chance to see all of you on your own." "Now listen, I'm just going to get changed, pop out and do a number, then I'll be back to brew up your custard?" "Lovely thick skin, like yellow leather." "I know what my boys like." "Oy!" "The gun." "Oh yeah..." "That wasn't pan of the plan." "I don't want her sniffing around my gaff." "We can keep her sweet for a day." "I can." "What you going to do?" "Read her your poems?" "There's more than one way to skin a cat." "Well, you skin her cat." "I'll give her a decent seeing-to." "You got a one-track mind, you have." "Yeah?" "You got a no-track mind, you poof." "Shut it!" "We're a gang." "We're men together." "Tommy, if you was a real man, you wouldn't mess with birds." "We'll keep her sweet." "She'll be dead soon." "She never get out of that club alive." "In the meantime, while she breathes, she can iron." "I've found the angles, Terry." "Don't you worry, darling." "Sex..." "Poetry..." "Ironing." "My Terry always used to say that he loved my Georgie Bests." "Do you like em?" "You're very keen, aren't you, Tommy?" "Yeah." "I like that." "I like a man who goes right for it." "Come here!" "No, listen, listen, listen." "I want you to do it to me." "And then I want you to do it to me again." "And then when you've done it to me again," "I want you to do it again and again." "Shut up!" "Come here!" "And then I want you to do it to me again and again, ooh and again and again, and again and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again and again, and again and again..." "Whooargh!" "That was lovely." "I feel fantastic." "What are you talking about?" "I never touched you." "Yeah, well you don't have to, Tommy, because you are pure sex." "Just being in the room with you is enough." "I expect you need a little sleep now, do you?" "Can I have a little practice on your gun?" "No." "Enough practice." "I want the real thing." "Now." "They think it's all over... it is now!" "Oh, you're really the best, Tommy." "You could excite me in your sleep." "So why don't you roll over and and have a kip now?" "What's with you and sleep?" "I just think it's like the sexiest thing in the world, isn't it?" "When a man really sleeps with a woman." "Michael Caine's done it." "Waste of time." "Darn this." "Then we'll do it again." "All right then." "But this time... me on top, eh?" "Bird on top?" "Over my dead body!" "Bang." "Four times!" "No wonder you're knackered." "It's twelve, you'd better go." "I've got a bird coming round." "Do you see that safe, lad?" "Seven thousand four hundred and twelve pounds in it." "Eh?" "That could make this place lovely that." "A woman's touch." "That's all it needs." "Had a woman once, but she betrayed me." "Oh." "Another man?" "Yes." "Before we met." "You're very sensitive, aren't you?" "Here, let me finish that." "You go and sit down." "Don..." "I don't want bodily contact with you." "Do you know, that is such a good coincidence." "I need my sap for blowing things up." "Course." "That's normal." "Just touch my room." "Yeah, Yeah, but first of all you got to do something for me, Psycho." "Shut your eyes." "Now, you know that poem you wrote, well, it made me feel like a killer... so go on, tell me some more poems." ""I am a crow flying high in the sky" "But I fly up there alone" "If I had another crow with me" "I wouldn't be on my own"" "Don't stop, Psycho..." "let it flow!" "Let it blow!" "Let is flow!" "It's finished." "Oh, well start another one then." "Eyes shut now." ""Terry was a gentle giant." "He was one of the best" "He looked like a white Cassius Clay In his boxing gloves and vest"" "Oh that vest, I bought him that vest..." "It was nine and eleven from Mr Byrite..." "What that?" "That?" "Oh, you take one end." "We'll measure up for a carpet, eh?" "If there's on thing I can't stand, it's a man who meets a bird, then goes straight." "Criminal, innit?" "He's better off dead, our Terry." "He should have thanked me." "Ungrateful scumbag." "That you, Vikki?" "Hello!" "I'm in the bath!" "Down the corridor!" "Right!" "The ironing's in the lounge." "Do it." "Then go." "All right?" "There's water in the kitchen if you're thirsty." "Fists of steel!" "Don't you knock?" "The ironing's in the lounge." "I know." "What d'you know?" "Everything." "You've been bad boys." "Very, very bad." "What would your mother say?" "Eh?" "Nothing?" "No!" "She'd say bad boys have got to be punished." "My God." "She does know." "How?" "A woman's intuition." "God, I don't think I can do it..." "But you want to, don't you?" "We've done it lots." "Show her, Raymond." "I know." "Let's try something different for a change, eh?" "I'm bad!" "I'm bad!" "I'm bad!" "I'm bad!" "Hey, don't stop!" "Oh, sorry..." "You're bad..." "He's bad!" "You're bad..." "You're bad..." "You're worse." "And you're bad... you're bad..." "I'm bad..." "I'm so sorry, Tiger." "I'm just not a killer." "Not like them..." "Makes me weep." "Terry's dead and the Todds are greasing themselves in the sun." "Why haven't they been arrested?" "They're innocent." "So?" "Never stopped the police before." "So never stopped the police before." "Thank God for our Vikki." "She'll get em." "She's an angel." "Yeah, she wasn't bad, as it goes." "What do you reckon?" "Can she get away with murder?" "Right then." "What's the matter?" "You injured yourself on his bum?" "Shut it!" "Let's go and say goodbye." "Oooh..." "Hello, boys." "Today was my Wedding Day." "Bastard Todds!" "Angel..." "You look just like my mother." "Yeah." "And mine." "Terry used to say, you were his seconds." "So please, have a corner." "I took him away from you, didn't I?" "Well, when a man meets a woman..." "Yeah." "Smashing bird like you." "It's what Terry would have wanted." "Yeah." "Shame you killed him then." "Who told you that?" "Woman's intuition." "You go to Spain, you kill the Todds and we'll spare you." "No." "I want to join my Terry." "That's what he would have wanted." "You killed him, you kill me." "Now." "Where I can see you." "I respect that." "I'm going to go out the way I came in." "With a song." "You shoot at the end." "In the head." "Blimey." "Yeah, I'm going to die like a man." "Not like a bird." "The last word is "goodbye"." "That's poetry, that." "You ready?" "Ready." "What now my love, now that it's over" "I feel the world closing in on me" "No one would care no one would cry" "If I should live or die" "What now my love, now there is nothing" "Only my last goodbyeeeee" "Thank you." "The Todd Brothers, I presume." "Vikki." "You got it then?" "We did, my darling." "We certainly did!" "So." "What would you like?" "Well, I got the tan." "I got the boots." "I want the club." "It's yours." "[Theme music]"