"Guess what?" "I did it." "I did the deed." "Yes, ex..." "yes, with a girl." "Why would I be lying to you?" "No, honestly." "It was awesome." "Yeah." "It sure seemed like it took a long time." "I don't know, about, maybe, 2 1/2 minutes or so." "Yeah." "Oh, yeah." "It was... it was wicked." "So, anyway, so, here it is." "I have a girlfriend." "Lies, lies, lies." "Ok, well, um, get him to call me, 'cause I would also like to tell him about this." "All right." "See you." "Bye." "What are you looking at me like that for?" "You don't have a girlfriend, steven." "You slept with a girl." "There's a big difference." "Yeah, but it's different, 'cause, like, we kind of share a bond, you know?" "It was awesome, 'cause we both lost our virginity together." "You lost your virginity, steven." "She didn't lose a damn thing." "And if you don't get with her again soon, it'll be like it never happened." "Have you made a move?" "Oh, um, in that case, I'm all set." "Trust me." "I made a move." "In a big way." "Look." "He left this for me." "Oh, that's really cute!" "Steven's adorable." "What's the big deal?" "Rachel, I have a boyfriend!" "Yeah, like a hundred miles away." "Lizzie, that is why we're here..." "to experience life." "To cheat?" "You said you had an open relationship during college." "No, come on." "Do not become one of those roommates that's always crying about her boyfriend." "I..." "I cannot live with that." "A teddy bear?" "That's not a move, steven." "It's time to be an adult." "Right." "If you don't do it again now, it's gonna be like it never happened." "I have to do it, like, right away?" "I'd do it today." "I'd do it now, if I were you." "Well, like, I can't do it now." "I've got principles of macroeconomics." "Well, do it after that, then." "Ok." "Right after class." "I'll..." "That's good." "I'll do it." "From the outset, kennedy was obsessed with his anti-communism policies." "But he made a critical mistake with the bay of pigs." "# Livin' off the clock # # hey, you # # somethin's wrong with daddy # # what's the matter with him?" "# # he stands up, puts the newspaper down # # foot up, forehead, face in a frown # # goin' upstairs to hit the sack # # yeah, daddy gets grumpy # # got to take a nap #" "# yeah, daddy, take a nap, take a nap, take a nap # # daddy, take a nap # # whoa, whoa, daddy # # daddy got to go and take a nap #" "# take a nap # # all right, it's naptime #" "# oh, takin' a snooze #" "Marshall nesbitt." "# Whoo, hoo #" "Hey..." "What is wrong with you people?" "Do you think you're gonna be able to succeed in this world without knowledge of history?" "Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it." "So I'll repeat the bay of pigs?" "All right, fun time is over for today." "Oh, as faculty advisor for the speakers committee," "I'd like to announce that there will be a speech wednesday night by conservative musician and hunting advocate mr." "Ted nugent." "I'm told he's quite controversial and very, very entertaining." "So go." "You've paid for it." "Mr. Nesbitt..." "I'd like a word with you." "So... so they can actually turn a shampoo bottle into a bong?" "Yeah, you can make a bong out of anything." "A shampoo bottle, an apple..." "An apple?" "You're so smart." "L-listen, maybe, um, if you have time, we can go into my room and work on the time capsule or... yeah." "Hey, lucien." "Yeah, hey, guys." "I wanted you guys to meet hillary." "Um, she's the head r.A." "Hey, hillary, this is... lloyd." "Right?" "Yeah." "Yeah, hi." "I've heard a lot about you." "Really?" "Hi, there." "I'm ron." "Hey, lloyd, um..." "I was thinking that maybe this transition is kind of difficult for you." "You know?" "You've come from such a faraway place." "So, if you ever need anything, I'm in room 10-16, top floor." "'Cause we like it on top." "It's just a motto that I came up with, and we're making sweatshirts." "It's gonna be really cool when they come back from the printers, so..." "Anyway, um, you know..." "Listen, if you ever want to talk or do whatever..." "Just come by." "My door is always open." "I might do that." "Thanks." "Sure." "Ron." "Yeah, uh, nice..." "To see you." "Man, I don't believe it." "The head r.A. Wants to nail you." "I know." "Look, don't do it, ok?" "If she turns on you, she can use her powers to destroy us both." "She was super cute, though." "She's nuts." "She's nuts." "I like that." "Hey, idiot, don't dip your pen in the... ow!" "Hey, tough guys!" "No fighting in the hall, or I'll write you guys up." "I'm just kidding." "Told you." "So, this is your room." "Oh, hey, steven." "Hey." "Uh." "Um..." "I gotta say that the other night in my room was, uh, it was pretty fun." "Hello, lizzie." "I love you." "Hey, cool." "Who's that, your brother, or... no." "That's my boyfriend." "Oh, uh..." "Well, I..." "I..." "Ok, you have a boyfriend." "Yeah, that's him." "Eric." "That's..." "I'm sorry." "I..." "Eric and I have been going out since I was in tenth grade, but now that I'm in college, you know, we agreed to explore." "Yeah." "So..." "Yeah, well, wow." "Well, you see... that's so healthy." "Really, you know, 'cause you don't want to tie yourself down." "But I love him..." "Right." "And if he and I are truly in love, then fooling around with you or anyone else won't matter." "When I'm lecturing, I expect you to listen." "This is not a high school." "You're paying good money for an education." "Well, yeah." "That's the whole point." "I am paying good money, and I think you should try to be a little less boring." "Excuse me?" "What?" "No." "No, no." "Please tell me." "You think I'm boring?" "No, I don't think you're boring." "I just..." "You just seem bored, you know, like you're bored." "Should I go?" "You know?" "You're right." "I am bored." "Thank you, marshall." "For what?" "For telling the truth." "Well..." "Why are you so bored?" "I don't know, I..." "I..." "I just don't like the kids anymore." "Really?" "Kids used to care about history and politics." "Maybe I should quit." "No, no, no, no." "Don't quit." "No, just don't be so boring." "Well, how?" "I don't know." "Kids like tv and internet." "You could put on some kind of a show." "Yeah, the apartment looks good." "I know." "It's great." "I'm so glad your mom is divorcing me." "Uh, dad, uh..." "You know, it took me 2 hours to decorate this place." "I went to that, uh, swedish place and, uh, "beyond the bathroom."" "It took your mother a year to do the house." "I mean, what was she doing all that time?" "Um, do you want to get back to what I was talking about for a second?" "Just don't do it, steven, ok?" "Look, she said that now that she's away at college, they've both agreed to explore, and, like, that..." "that includes me." "Then let her date magellan..." "Vasco da gama." "But I like this girl." "Steven, women are crazy." "You don't want to enter into a situation that makes them even crazier." "Now, pardon me, but look at your mother." "She seemed completely sane at the beginning." "Now, this chick you like, I mean, she's... she's already starting at halfway nuts." "Thanks, dad." "Where you goin'?" "Where are you... ok, ignore the voice of experience." "I'm just, uh," "I'm not sure how to do it again, you know?" "'Cause, um..." "She made the first move." "Right, well, she's been the man, but you have to be the man now." "Here, just move over." "You could just... you could just sit next to her and, you know, just let your knee touch her knee." "Ok, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Yeah, and if she doesn't move it away, that's a signal..." "Or you could put your hand on her knee." "Right." "If she doesn't move that away, that's a big green light." "Mmm." "You slowly move your hand up her thigh..." "And... and every inch is a question." "Ok, ok." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Awesome." "I get it." "Cool." "Yeah, yeah." "Hey, I..." "I don't really, uh, understand that whole, um..." "When you like, uh, when you just move your, uh, hand up the knee?" "Get away." "Hey, you could take her to the ted nugent speech." "That's a great idea." "That guy's hilarious." "I wanna go." "Oh, really?" "Yeah, 'cause, uh," "I'm helping professor duggan take care of ted backstage." "I could probably, you know, introduce you to the nuge." "Cool." "Hi." "Hey." "What ya doin'?" "Oh, uh, marshall was just telling us about the ted nugent speech." "He and I are gonna go." "You and..." "you and steve ought to meet up with us." "Yeah, yeah." "Oh, ok." "That sounds fun." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "It'll be cool." "It'll be so cool." "Hey, I know what you kids are sayin'." ""Am I in the right classroom?" ""Who's that new prof in the fancy duds?" "Is it ricky martin?"" "No, it's just me." "But you kids are in luck today because today, old doc duggan is gonna make history..." "Come alive." "[Impersonating john f." "Kennedy] Uh, I am, uh, john f." "Kennedy, the president, and I don't like communism very much." "Isn't that right, bobby?" "[Impersonating robert kennedy] Oh, that is right, john." "It's a good idea to kill castro." "Try to kill me, eh?" "Well, two can play at this game." "Operator, get me, uh, moscow, russia." "Mr. Nikita khrushchev." "[Impersonating khrushchev] Nyet!" "Nyet!" "Nyet!" "We gave the election to his brother, and now he comes after us?" "I'm so mad, I could kill the president." "Oh!" "The president's been shot!" "Who was it?" "I guess we'll have to ask lee harvey oswald." "Oh, there's my friend jack ruby." "Hi, jack." "Oof!" "Ah!" "Ooh, gahh!" "I'm just a patsy..." "And the story ends..." "Or does it?" "All women are fair game until they're married..." "Most of them even after that." "We have to do it tonight." "Tonight's the night, ok?" "Right." "I'm kinda nervous." "Well, don't be nervous, you know?" "Don't give your power away." "There's nothing women like less than a scared little boy." "Right." "Um, so, like, do you ever get scared?" "No, steven." "I don't ever get scared." "Do you know why I don't ever get scared?" "W-why?" "Because women don't like it." "Now, go make me proud." "Yeah, ok." "I will." "I, like, love lectures." "So, what does ted nugget do?" "Oh, uh, the nugent, uh, nuge, he's, um..." "He's all in the n.R.A., into guns, and he's all politically incorrect and funny." "He's awesome, you know." "He's awesome." "Sorry." "So, he's like a comedian, or... no, um, he's actually a musician." "He, um, plays guitar." "Like, did you ever hear the band damn yankees?" "Yeah." "He's awesome." "Hey, lloyd." "Hey." "You're a drama student, right?" "I was wondering if you could help me with something." "Yeah, I'd love to." "The r.A.S, we have this retreat where we do all this role-playing, you know, to help us get ready for kids and their problems, and I thought you were such a, uh, brilliant thespian that you wouldn't mind helping me with it." "Ok." "Great." "We can't." "Yeah, we..." "we gotta go." "Remember?" "We... we can't." "No, ron." "I would like to help." "I enjoy helping others." "Now please give a nice, warm, unec welcome for that motor city madman, mr." "Ted nugent." "Yeah!" "Boo!" "Boo!" "Thank you very much, and greetings." "Welcome." "I'm glad you're here with me tonight." "My name is ted nugent, and in-between guitar maneuvers," "I am a hunter and very proud of that." "A lot of people ask me, "ted, what's so damn important about hunting?"" "Let me tell you." "It's stimulating." "It's exciting." "It's thrilling." "It's challenging." "It's a spiritual orgasm every time I leave the pavement." "I will play the inexperienced r.A.," "And you're gonna play jennie." "Jennie." "Yeah, she's a young girl who's been hitting the bong too hard, and she's just about to get kicked out of school." "You know, we could do something else instead." "You know, jennie, why don't we solve your problems, ok?" "Let's get serious." "This is your life." "Ok." "Um..." "Ok, whenever you're ready, start." "Uh, hi." "I'm jennie." "Mm-hmm." "Um..." "I've been hitting the bong too hard, and I'm about to get kicked out of school." "Wow, that's probably really scary, huh?" "It's a little bit scary." "And get out there and realize that the natural order that still is alive and thriving in nature will actually make you a better student." "A better... it'll actually make you a better rock 'n roller." "It'll actually give you a..." "hey, eric." "Quality of life." "Oh, that commercial's on right now?" "I mean, how do they make those cats talk?" "It is my life..." "I love that one." "I got this hunch that god gave us the right to life." "Now, follow me here if you will." "See, I never went to college." "I was too busy learning' stuff..." "And if you indeed" "How was work?" "Have the right to life, that means you don't have to die..." "It means you've gotta eat stuff..." "And if you're gonna eat stuff, stop it!" "Why not eat the best stuff?" "You know, uh..." "I just came out of the swamps." "I was out with my dad and my uncle and my brothers." "I'm at a ted nugent lecture." "I left the pavement..." "Nobody." "Just some people from my floor." "I sprouted wings." "Stop it!" "You know what?" "In the swamp there's no cell phones." "This is the beauty about hunting." "There's no janet reno, and there's no... hi, eric." "What are you doing?" "Did you tell him that we slept together?" "Shut up!" "Ow!" "Hey, this is what drives me crazy." "This is exactly what I'm talkin' about." "Our friend right here is too busy tryin' to get a little action with his sweetheart than paying attention to the liberals trampling on his rights and turning this country into downtown singapore." "I have to go." "Ted nugent is talking about us." "Oh, god." "Lucien." "My... my roommate's been asleep for 2 days now." "What?" "That... that's bad, right?" "My... my god, man." "W-where is he?" "Where is he?" "He's this way." "Come on." "He's this way." "2 days in a row?" "Does the word "gomer" ring any bells here?" "Are... are you happy being a sheep?" "No, because if I'm a sheep, you'll kill me and eat me." "Steven." "I wouldn't shoot you." "There's no meat on those bones, skeletor." "I wonder why he has so many guns?" "Probably 'cause he feels inadequate." "At least I take my gun out of the holster once in a while." "At least I don't have long hair." "At least I'm not shootin' blanks." "Am I right, little lady?" "You shut the hell up!" ""Damn yankees" suck!" ""Damn yankees" suck!" "Ted, ted, ted, ted, ted, ted, ted, ted, ted, ted, ted, ted..." "Now, I want you to just look directly in my eyes, and I want you to see your own beautiful self in my eyes, ok?" "Ok." "What do you see?" "Jennie?" "And what's jennie?" "Um..." "Beautiful?" "Beautiful." "Jennie's beautiful." "She is." "Jennie's beautiful." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "You know what, hillary?" "I... we can't do this." "Why?" "Um..." "Because I have herpes." "So what?" "I do, too." "Everybody does." "Yeah, I know, but, um, you know what?" "I..." "I just..." "you're an r.A., I'm a student," "I... what if someone was to see?" "I don't..." "I'll..." "I'll go fast like a man." "Just give it." "No, wait..." "just give it to me." "No, wait!" "I am there." "Oh, god!" "Hillary." "Oh, my god." "He's awake." "Hey." "Hey, lucien." "Hey." "Oh, you guys, man." "I gotta keep my eyes on you guys." "Tryin' to burn me." "Sleepin' for 2 days." "Hey, lucien." "Um..." "I was just, uh..." "I was looking' for you." "We should..." "we should, uh, get workin' on the time capsule." "No, great, great, no." "I just got my hands on a really cool britney spears poster and I have some pokémon to put in it." "Ok, great, great." "It'll really define our generation and stuff." "If I find one more of these in your room, your ass'll be in a sling." "2 days." "Ha." "That's great, lloyd." "She took my apple." "And now we're on her radar." "Why... why..." "why did you do this?" "I guess I'm just a very mixed-up little girl, ron." "What... um, I'm sorry..." "About acting all weird and stuff." "Look, it's just that" "I was kind of..." "And this is not an excuse, but..." "I was..." "Kinda surprised by the whole boyfriend thing, you know?" "Um..." "And it made me kinda crazy." "I know." "I'm sorry." "No." "No, don't be sorry." "Don't." "Um..." "Look, I..." "I..." "I..." "I had a lot of fun with you, you know?" "And I guess I just didn't want it to end." "I..." "I really like you a lot." "And, um..." "I think that I consider myself lucky to be your friend." "You know?" "So..." "It'll be good." "# Tuesday's gone # # with the wind #" "# oh, my baby's gone # # with the wind # # again # what the hell? you should never get involved with somebody on your floor." "Such a mess." "Yeah." "Yeah." "It's a..." "It's a big ol' mess." "Hey, don't be late for class tomorrow." "I'm doing iran-contra!" "And guess who's playing the ayatollah khomeini?" "You!" "Oh, and bring a beard if you've got one."