"Joe." "Here, boy." "Come on, boy." "Come on." "No one's gonna hurt you." "Come on." "There's a good boy." "Thank you." " Nice aftershave, Joe." " Eau de Sewer." "My favourite fragrance." " Hose the hero down, lads." " Watch your eyes, then, Joe." "# I'm singing in the rain" "# Just singing in the rain" "# What a glorious feeling" "# I'm happy again #" "Stay downwind." "You're still a bit ripe, mate." "Well, some of us don't mind getting our hands dirty." " You up for a beer, Joe?" " No, I've got to be at the youth club by six." "I can't believe he's up for the lead man's job." "It should be yours." "You've been here for donkey's." "Yeah, well..." "We'll see, won't we?" "Come on, boys." "Let's see some work now." "Let's see a bit more work this time." "Nice one, Philip." "Come on!" "Quicker!" "Quicker!" "Good work, Peter." "Let's move about." "Move, move!" "Hey, slow down!" "Slow down." "If you're gonna cheat, don't bother playing." "Don't retaliate, no matter what the provocation." "Let's shake hands." "Come on." "Shake!" "Let's get on with the game." "Come on, boys." "Looks like a wire shorted." "Can't get the electrician out till tomorrow so we'll have to call it a night, lads." "Sorry." "Come on, let's go." "You're home early, darling." "Joe." "I said you're home early, darling." "Yeah, I suppose I am." " I got us a Chinese." " I'm not really hungry." "You should move your bed in here, the amount of time you spend on that machine." "Come on!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Bloody hell, Joe." "Get a grip!" "What the hell is wrong with you today?" " Why don't you eat it here?" " What?" "Your dinner." "Eat it here." "I always eat my dinner in front of the TV, darling." "What's wrong?" "Nothing's wrong." "I just thought it would be nice if we ate together." "So, how was your day?" " What did you do?" " Shopping." "You've got to get the credit limit raised on the Visa card." "I got turned down in one shop." "It was embarrassing." " Ain't you gonna ask what I did?" " You're a fireman, darling." "I know what you do." "You put out fires." "I'm gonna watch TV." "Anything for me?" "Just bills." ""We confirm that we will be happy to act for you" ""in connection with your matrimonial matter." ""You have instructed us that you wish to commence divorce proceedings" ""on the grounds of..."" " And he don't know?" " No." " She's doin' the dirty and he don't know?" " No." " You'd think he'd see the signs." " I would have thought so, yeah." " Who are you talking about?" " No one you know, Joe." " Old pal of mine, works over at Bayswater." " Yeah?" "What's his name?" "Sandy Patterson." "Why, do you know him?" "Station officer was giving Sandy's wife a good seeing-to whenever Sandy was on nights." "The whole station knew about it." "Now she's divorcing him." "He got well screwed all round." "No..." "Stop it." "I've got to go." "Yeah." "See you, then." "OK." "Bye." " Did somebody ring?" " When?" "Just then." "Oh, wrong number." "Someone wanted a minicab." "Pre-nups are a waste of time." "I should have had her killed." "Life behind bars." "That'd teach her." "I'd probably see the kids more often than I do now." "Anyone know a good solicitor?" "Oh, another lamb to the slaughter." "I'm serious." "So am I." "Say goodbye to your house." "And your car." "And the kids." "No kids." "Small mercy." "It's not my fault." "She's the one being unfaithful..." "with a guy I work with." "In my bed." "Makes no difference." "It's not fair." "Whoever said life was fair, Joe?" "Do I know you?" "Just shooting the breeze, Joe." "How did you get my name?" "Can't abide these stupid nicknames." "I'm James." "James Napeworth." "My friends call me Jim." "What do you want?" "Sounds like you've got a problem, Joe." " I solve problems." " What are you, some sort of counsellor?" " You could say that." " I don't need counselling." " What are you doing here?" " It's two o'clock in the morning!" "It's either netball or that bloody computer." "It's not netball." "It's basketball." "It's balls through hoops, darling." "We played it at school and we called it netball." "Hello?" "Hello?" "No one there." "I need some money for grocery shopping, darling." "I gave you 30 quid yesterday." "Oh, last of the big spenders" " I'm just saying I gave you 30 quid." " Which I spent on your food." "Come on." "Don't be difficult." " It's not my fault that money's tight." " Money's not tight." "So, stop being such a naughty boy and give me some." "Come on, darling." "I haven't got all day and you've got to get to work and put all those fires out." " Do you fancy a beer, Joe?" " Yeah." "Yeah, why not?" "Joe!" "Are you expecting a call?" " No." "Why?" " Some bloke called." " I said you was just leaving and he hung up." " He'll call back if it's important." "Whose round is it, then?" "Roger?" "She'll be on her back with her legs akimbo before she knows what's hit her." " That's a form of Japanese martial arts." " What?" "Akimbo." " What's he got that we ain't?" " Apart from good looks and being up for promotion" "Couldn't we just play the game?" "Don't you want to know the secret of the man's success?" " See you, Joe." " See you later." " See you, mate." " See you." "How's it going, Joe?" " Do I know you?" " James Napeworth." "My friends call me Jim." "A handshake won't cost you anything, Joe." "Problem Solver, remember?" " How did you...?" " Tricks of the trade, Joe." " Who are you?" " I just told you." "Well, what do you want?" "What do YOU want, Joe?" "I told you." "I don't need counselling." "So what DO you need?" "I just need some peace and quiet, that's all." "This is mad!" "So?" "Jesus!" "Want to talk about your problems, Joe?" "Chat rooms are supposed to be anonymous." "It sounded like you needed help." "It's personal." "Don't bottle it up, Joe." "It's not very good for your health." "If this guy's been humping your wife in your bed, maybe you should do something about it." "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to rub your face in it, but it did sound like you needed help, and that's what I do." "I help people like you, Joe." "Which means what?" "Which means anything you want it to mean." "Just leave me alone." "Joe, could you save this marriage?" "Win her back, flowers, champagne?" "Woo her?" "I don't even think she likes me any more." "I can see the contempt in her eyes." "So what about talking to the man she's sleeping with?" "Man to man, face to face?" "He'd laugh in my face." "So?" "What do you suggest?" "I think you know, Joe." "I mean, legally, she's entitled to half of everything you've got and ever earned." " Even more if she gets a good lawyer." " I know." "Then you know what to do." "We are talking about..." "I know what we're talking about." "And it's that easy?" "Nobody said it would be that easy, Joe." "I don't think you're ready for this." " Ready for what?" " The next step." "When you are, email me." "Joe, can I have a word?" "Dinner's ready." "I didn't get the promotion." "Aw!" "That's a pity, darling." " They gave it to Angus Thompson." " Really?" "You know Angus, yeah?" "Bloke you were dancing with at the last social." "I danced with lots of your mates." "That's why they call it a social." "You'd remember Angus, though." "He's a bit flash." "I'm trying to watch this, darling, OK?" " Should have been mine, by rights." " What?" "The promotion." "You don't want promotion." "You've got to have ambition to want promotion." "You're quite happy being a bog-standard fireman." "Look, I wanna watch this, darling, OK?" " I wasn't sure you'd come." " I'm like a genie." "You rub my lamp and I grant you a wish." "What do you wish for, Joe?" "She's gonna divorce me." "I'll lose everything." "The courts always favour the women." "That's the way of the world." " So what do I do?" " Get someone to take care of it." "A professional." "And can you?" " You know." " Sort it for you?" "If you're sure that's what you want." "Have you done this before?" "Home sweet home." " What's this about?" " You wanted proof." "Proof you've got." "How do I know I can trust you?" "And what does it cost?" "That depends." "On what?" "On how much it's worth." "How much is it worth, Joe, to have your wife out of the way?" "Your heart's not really in this, is it?" "It's not that." "It's a hell of a thing, isn't it?" " It's a big step." " And you're having second thoughts." "I'm not sure." "So what's holding you back?" "All you've got to do is ask, Joe." "And you've no reservations?" "No conscience?" "Are you trying to talk me out of this or yourself?" "You've got to give this a lot more thought, Joe." "You know." "Consider the... the ramifications." "Keep close, Joe." "Give it plenty of hose." "Keep right." "Right." "I can see where I'm going." "Keep an eye on the roof." "It might fall." "Angus, are you two OK in there?" "We've got it under control." "Angus, watch out!" "What's happening in there?" "Angus?" "Joe?" "Talk to me!" "It's OK." "It's OK." "I'm sending in back-up." "No!" "We've got it under control." "It's all right." "I've got him." "Joe, are you OK, mate?" " Yeah." " Listen, good work in there." "Thanks, guv." " See you, Joe." " Yeah, see you." "Thanks for today, mate." " You'd have done the same for me." " Yeah, but I owe you one." "Well, maybe now you'll leave my wife alone." " What?" " You said you owe me one." "Maybe now you'll stay away from my wife." "Quid pro quo, yeah?" " What the hell are you talking about?" " You messing around with my wife!" " Don't play the innocent with me." " Joe, on my life!" "Who are you pushing?" " Trying to pull rank now, are you?" " It's got nothing to do with rank." "Just leave my wife alone." "Takes two to tango." "Couldn't do it, could you?" "No wonder she walks all over you!" "Hi, Joe." "He's round at my house every Wednesday evening, with her while I'm coaching." " Coaching?" " Basketball." "At a youth club." "I thought you could do it then." "Oh!" "In flagrante delicto." " That would give me an alibi." " That's good thinking." "So how will you do it?" "Unless you've got something else in mind?" " What about the noise?" "We've got neighbours." " A silencer." "Don't worry, Joe." "I'm not a virgin at this kind of thing." "I'll make it look like a robbery that's gone wrong." "Steal a few things." " She has jewellery, your wife?" " In the bedroom." "OK." "What about cash?" "Do you keep cash in the house?" "She keeps her money in the kitchen, in the coffee jar." "I'll take that, too." " Smash the place up a little." " Not too much." "Just enough to make it look real." " When do I pay you?" " Cash in advance." "That's just the way it is, Joe." "I can hardly send you an invoice afterwards, hm?" "Do you have it?" "Yeah, I've got some money in the building society." "She doesn't know anything about it." " What if...?" " What?" " What if something goes wrong?" " It won't." "You have to really want this, Joe." "If you're having a problem with your conscience now, it's gonna get a whole lot worse afterwards." "Turn the light out!" "Look what time it is!" "I'm off out now, darling." "Make-up." "Mind my make-up." " Where are you going?" " Out with the girls." "I told you." "Don't wait up." "You're late." "The money." "I shall let myself in with a key first, then afterwards I shall make it look like someone has broken in." "Everything is gonna be OK, Joe." "Don't worry." "Wednesday evening, you just carry on as usual, OK?" "OK." "You leave at the same time as normal." "You follow your exact same routine." "Let yourself into the house." "What do you do when you get home?" "Shower." " But you talk to your wife first, right?" " Right." "So do it." "You go into the sitting room." "There's no one there." "You go upstairs." "You see what you see." "Call the police." "Don't get too over-elaborate on the phone." "Just tell them your wife's been killed." "They'll ask you who you are, where you're phoning from, but they know exactly where you are." "They'll have a car round in no time at all." "Don't telephone anyone." "Don't touch anything." "You just stand by the phone and wait for the police." " What do I say about Angus?" " Don't say anything." "Let them ask the questions." "What's wrong?" " They're gonna suspect me, aren't they?" " Of course they are, but at the exact time they're being killed, you'll be refereeing a basketball match." "All the kids from the youth club will be vouching for you, plus there'll be no gun, plus it'll look like a robbery." "Nobody's gonna point a finger at you, Joe, not unless you do something incredibly stupid." " And that's it?" " That's it." "You'll never see me again." " Who will you shoot first?" " What?" "When you shoot 'em, who will you shoot first?" " Well, I guess it'll be the one on top." " What?" "For the cleaner shot." "Probably the one on top." "Why?" "I don't know." " Have you got basketball practice today?" " It's a match." "We're playing a team from Camden." " Good luck tonight, Joe." " Yeah." " You, too." " What time does it start?" " Seven." " I'll come with you." " See what's been taking up all your time." " You'd be bored rigid." "I've got nothing better to do." " Hey, Rog." " Yes, Frank." " Fancy watching Joe's boys in action?" " Yeah, why not?" " Flash bastard, eh?" " Yeah." "OK, but any cracks about how my legs look in shorts," "I'll send you both home." "What are we gonna do about it?" "They're killing us." " They're killing us!" " What?" "They're killing us." "What we gonna do?" " The referee has to stay impartial." " They're all over us." "They're just better on the day." " Get it together, lads." " One, two, three - break!" "Joe!" "I'll let myself in with a key." "Then afterwards I'll make it look like someone broke in." "What about cash?" "Do you have cash in the house?" "She keeps it in the kitchen in the coffee jar." "I'll take that, too." "Oh, shit!" "It's all right." "It's all right." "You can still make this work." "It's all right." "Just think, will you?" "Think!" "OK." "They're gonna take time to get here." "Five minutes, maybe." "Maybe five minutes." "Call the police." "Don't get too over-elaborate on the phone." "Just tell them your wife's been killed." "Police." "Police, yeah." "It's my wife." "She's been killed." "Just help me, please." "Send somebody." "Waterman." "Joe Waterman." "Number 1 Woodhouse." "Yeah, my wife Sandra." "She's dead." "And there's somebody else here as well from work." "They're both dead." "It doesn't matter what his name is." "Just send somebody." "Anybody." "Help me, please." "Oh, my God." "She's dead!" "She's dead!" "OK." "It's OK." "It's OK." "It's OK." "It's OK." "Oh, my wife." "My wife." "Who could have killed my wife?" "She's dead!" "He killed my wife!" "Sandra!" "And that's how you found her?" "On the bed with a knife..." "A knife in her chest." "They were both dead when you found them?" "That's right." "You're sure about that?" "The pathologist puts the time of death at about the time you phoned 999." "She was dead." "They both were." "I've seen dead bodies before." "Why the questions?" " Why aren't you looking for whoever did this?" " Just exploring all the avenues." "Now, can you tell me what Angus Thompson was doing there with your wife?" " What do you think he was doing?" " Did you know they were having an affair?" " Are you sure about that?" " If I did, I'd have stopped it." "Look, Sandra knew what time I came home." "She'd hardly have kept him there for me to find." "Maybe she wanted you to find them." "It happens." "There was a burglary." "It's the burglar you should be looking for." " Your fingerprints are on the knife." " It was from the kitchen." " Yours are the only prints on it." " So the burglar wore gloves." " Why didn't they hear him break in?" " Because they were otherwise engaged." "Maybe the bedroom door was closed." "Why am I doing all your thinking for you?" " We'd like to keep you with us a while longer." " I'm under arrest, is that it?" " You think I did this?" " You're just helping us with our enquiries." "It's more convenient if you're here with us." " What happened?" " We did it, Joe!" "What?" "It didn't happen like you said it would." " They're dead." "It's what you wanted." " It didn't happen how we planned." "There was no burglary." "Nothing was taken." "And you said you'd use a gun." "Well, what can I say?" ""The best-laid plans of mice and men..."" " They think I did it." " Joe." "You're trying to set me up." "You're trying to frame me!" "Now you're becoming paranoid, Joe." " Is there anything more you'd like to tell us?" " Such as?" "I thought things might be a bit clearer this morning." "Were you out looking for the burglar?" "Ah, well, we've one or two reservations about your burglary scenario." "Like what?" "Like the fragments of glass on the tea towel - enough to match the glass that was broken." "That's a worry, Mr. Waterman." "If the burglar was outside, he couldn't have used the towel to break the glass, could he?" "Maybe he wiped his hands on the tea towel afterwards." "After he broke the glass to get in." "You've got a criminal mind, Mr. Waterman." "We hadn't thought of that." "What did you do after you found your wife and Mr. Thompson?" "I, er, called the police." " From the phone in the hall?" " Yes." "What did you do after you made the call?" "I went back upstairs." "So you didn't come here?" " Here?" " You didn't come into the kitchen?" " No." " You're quite sure about that?" "I went downstairs to call 999 then I went into the bedroom to be with my wife." " What about the blood on the oven glove?" " Blood?" "Minute traces." "It's a match with Angus Thompson's blood." "That's another worry." "Now we've got glass on the towel, blood on the oven glove." "Well, the killer must have come down here after he killed them, looking for money, maybe." "That's right." "You said your wife kept money in the kitchen, in a coffee jar." " In there." " There was no money in the coffee jar." "There you are, then!" "The killer's broke in, he's wiped his hands on the tea towel, he's got a knife, he's killed them both, then he's come in here looking for money and got blood on the oven glove in the process." "You should be looking for the burglar and not wasting my time." "How do you account for this, Mr. Waterman?" "We found this in your bathroom." "He wasn't supposed to kill them." "He was supposed to scare them, that's all." "I just wanted them to stop the affair." "And how did you meet this mysterious Mr. Napeworth?" "In a pub." "In a pub?" "Just like that?" "On the internet first." "He emailed me and then he came up to me in a pub." " And you gave him £20,000?" " That's right." "You gave a complete stranger £20,000?" " Where did you get it from?" " The building society." "My father died three years ago and he left it to me." "For a rainy day?" "What made you so sure he'd do what you wanted, Mr. Waterman?" "Because he showed me proof." " Well?" " I don't know." "It was dark." "Take your time, Mr. Waterman." " Turn right." " You sure?" "That's it." "That's it there." " It's been on the market for three months." " Napeworth, his name was." "James Napeworth." " The flat's been empty since the owner left." " It's a man." "Early 40s." "He had dark hair." "Brown eyes." "Mrs. Elliot." "In her 80s." "Blind as a bat." "Moved into a nursing home." "This is it." "In here." "There were photographs all over the walls." "Photographs of people he'd killed." "That's what happened." "Now, why would I make something up like that?" " Are you sure you didn't look for a hired killer?" " I didn't want anybody killed." "I wanted them so scared that they'd never see each other again, but I didn't want them dead." " We went to the pub where you met." " And?" "She remembers you, but after your firemen friends left, you were alone." "A bit worse for wear, she said." "When you got home and found them dead, why did you put the jewellery and the money in the toilet cistern?" "Because I knew that if I didn't make it look like a burglary, then you'd think it was me that killed them." "I admit that I faked the burglary, I admit that I paid Napeworth, but it wasn't me that killed them." "Listen." "I took £20,000 out of that building society and gave it to Napeworth." "They'll have records." "That was five days before he killed them." " What?" " We did check." " And?" " It was just as you said." "You withdrew £20,000 five days before your wife and her lover were murdered." "See?" "That proves what I'm saying." "We found it in the loft of your house, under the water tank." "You couldn't have paid anyone, could you?" "Why don't you stop wasting our time and tell us the truth?" "There never was a mysterious stranger in a pub, there never was a James Napeworth." "Just you and a knife." "In a rage." "I keep telling you what happened." " That's not what happened!" " You met him in a chat room." "He emailed you from an email address that doesn't exist and never existed." "Why would I make something up like this?" "Don't you think I know how it sounds?" "Then you can understand why we don't believe you." "Nothing you say can be backed up." "There's no Napeworth, no email." "We found the money in your loft." "Every penny of it." "Why would he do that?" "What sort of a man would do that... kill people for free?" "Do you think we're stupid, Mr. Waterman?" "Admit it." "You made him up." "No." "No, he's real." "Don't you see?" "He set me up!" "He's killed them and framed me." "It wasn't me." "I didn't do it." "It was him." "Whoever said life was fair, Dave?" "Do I know you?" "Just shooting the breeze, Dave." "How do you know my name?" "Can't abide these stupid nicknames." "My name is..."