"What would happen if I walked out that door right now, and never came back?" "You need to start behaving like an adult instead of behaving like a child." "Maybe you need to start behaving like my mum." "Can you remember anything from last night?" "Finn?" "What the fuck?" "Karim?" "'Look, it's about Tix." "She collapsed this morning.'" "Is it serious?" "'She went into cardiac arrest during the night." "'The doctors there managed to revive her but she...'" "What?" "She..." "She's very, very weak so they don't know if she'll come round." "What about you, Rae?" "You and Tix are really close." "Kester says you're thinking about stopping his sessions." "Have you got people there for you?" "I've got loads of people I can talk to." "Oh, Tix!" "'Dear Diary, I've been to a place this dark once before." "'Nearly made the biggest mistake." "'I couldn't risk going back that low again." "'I needed to talk to someone." "'I didn't deserve to be happy." "Not after what I did to Tix." "'Never mind that I'm fat, loud and annoying!" "'Maybe Finn and Chloe weren't lost to me." "'Maybe they weren't even going out." "'Maybe it was just a kiss." "'Either way, I had to face them sooner or later.'" "My God, what an effin' night!" "My head's bangin'!" "Are you all right?" "Brilliant." "Where the bloody hell did you get to?" "Dunno." "Woke up in a bloody field." "And then, thank God, I saw Chop in his car." "Have you spoke to Izzy?" "No." "No-one knows where she is." "She'll be fine." "What if she went back with him?" "And what if she went back with him?" "She's single, isn't she?" "It's her decision." "Eurgh." "Oh, my god." "Whose idea was it to meet for food?" "It was my idea." "This is supposed to be the debrief." "The best part about the night out is the debrief in the morning." "Well, fuck the debrief." "I can't eat when it feels like someone's taken a piss on my soul." "I'm gonna..." "Hang on!" "One minute." "What?" "What about the debrief?" "Archie's right, mate." "I don't need a debrief." "I need a shower and a shit-load of peppermint tea." "I'll see yous later." "See ya." "Oh..." "I'm going to, um... going to the toilet." "Oh, my God, Rae." "I kissed him!" " Who?" " Finn!" "You know I didn't really like him that much although I just fancied him cos he was so fit." "And now I really do like him." "Oh, it's so nice when that happens." "Get off me!" " Rae?" " What?" "Well, me and Finn haven't spoken about it yet but we'll deffo be going out by the end of next week." "And then, well, you know..." "Rae, I'm talking about..." "Sex." "Yeah." "I get it." "It's a really exciting time for you." "Yeah, it is." "Ooh..." "I'm just going to go." "Mum?" "I'm just putting my wedding face on." "Oh, I look like a dog's dinner." "You don't, Mum." "You look lovely." "How's Tix?" "Not good." "Rae, I'm glad you've come home." "I'm sorry." "It's fine." "We're fine." "Mum?" "Mm?" "I need to talk to you about something." "Well, go on then, spit it out." "I saw something weird this morning." "I saw Karim..." "Saw what?" "Well, he was with someone." "A woman." "What woman?" "I don't know." "He kissed her." "Look out the window." "Hamal, let's go." "Yeah, I see." "Everyone's got family, Rae." "His sister." "Why do you hate him so much, Rae?" "I don't hate him." "I don't know him." "Well, why have you never bothered to get to know him?" "Rae?" "Look, I know he's never gonna be your proper dad." "He's a good man and he is a part of this family and you need to start accepting that." "I can't force you to be part of this family." "It's you who needs to decide whether you want to or not." "Who is my proper dad?" "What do you mean?" "I know it was you who's been writing the letters." "I just wanna know who he is." "Is his name even Victor?" "Yeah, his name's Victor." "Well, were there any real letters?" "Has he ever tried to get in touch?" "Um..." "Well, does he not know where we live?" "Yeah." "What?" "He knows or he doesn't know?" "He knows." "I started writing those letters when you were six, Rae." "I know it was a stupid thing to do but I don't know, I guess I thought that he might be coming back." "But once I started, well... well, I didn't know how to stop." "But once I stared, well... well, I didn't know how to stop." "I didn't know to stop." "I didn't know how to stop." "It's fine." "I mean, we'll talk about it later." "You've got enough to do." "Here he is." "Are you all right?" "Nice to see you." "'So what if my mum was starting a new life?" "'So what if Chloe and Finn were lost to me?" "'No matter what happened, I'd always have the rest of the gang." "'And I'd always have my diary.'" "Excuse me, I left a little blue bag in here when I was here this morning." " Denim bag?" " Yeah." "Um, well, can I have it back, please?" "It's got, like, really important documents in it." "I gave it to one of your friends as they left." " Which friend?" " A pretty girl." "'I can't believe Chloe would say that." "'Sometimes I think she's being a bitch on purpose." "'Sometimes..." "I love Finn." "'I love Finn!" "'I think I'd even snog his armpits." "'I'd love to snog his armpit!" "'But Chloe doesn't bloody realise not everyone is rich." "'Not everyone is rich." "If Archie wasn't gay...'" "Chloe!" "Oh, Chloe, I'm sorry." "I didn't mean it!" "I just write whatever comes into my head." "Chloe, please, I'm sorry." "Stay away from me." "Right?" "And stay away from Finn." "'I've been to a place this dark once before.'" "'Nearly made the biggest mistake." "'But what was the mistake?" "'Ever cutting myself in the first place?" "'Or not cutting deep enough?" "'" "'Dear Mum...'" "'I am so sorry.'" "'I'm so sorry that I fucked everything up.'" "'It's not your fault.'" "'I'm not hungry." "'For the first time in months, I don't care about food." "'I don't care about filling the gap by eating, 'or by hurting myself a little." "'The gap's too wide now." "'I tried so hard to be someone everybody could like." "'But no matter how hard I try," "'I'll always be the same, ridiculous, pointless blob." "'I'll always hurt people." "'And I'll always let people down.'" "'I'm so sorry, Mum.'" "'I just hate myself so much more than I could ever love anything." "'And I guess I did achieve one thing." "'I wrote the most boring suicide note in the history of the world.'" "Hiya!" "Tix?" "What's going on?" "Are you all right?" "You're in hospital." "You're in a coma." "Is this a dream?" "Is it my imagination?" "Are you an angel?" "Look, you don't need to know everything." "You're in a coma and I'm here to tell you that you need to wake up." "I don't want to wake up." "I want to be dead." "Why do you think I was on that bridge in the first place?" "Let me show you what the world would be like without Rae." "This is what happens if you don't wake up." "It's closed." "Because I don't wake up?" "What are you trying to say?" "Well, when you stopped coming here, other people stopped coming here because it reminded them of you." "A chip shop reminds people of me?" "!" "Maybe this wasn't the best place to start." "Where are we now?" "Her Majesty's Prison, Lincoln." "11 months in the future." "No!" "No, no!" "This can't have happened!" "They can't be together - they're the opposite of each other!" "I made you some fairy cakes." "Oh, brilliant." "Well, that's not getting me beaten up, is it?" "What happens to Chop?" "Lovely dress, dear." "Victor said that he just doesn't want to be part of the Country Club any more." "What about you, Arnold?" "Are you a member of any societies?" "No, not really." "Chop's name's Arnold?" "!" "Do you want more wine, Arnold?" "No thanks, I don't drink no more." "'Come on, honey!" "'" "Oh, not Finn!" "Not Finn!" "What?" "!" "Do you know, it has been so difficult but I'm so glad we waited, cos tonight's going to be really special." "Oh, you know... you know what?" "If we wait until Mauritius, then it'll be really special." "No, because now's really special." "Ooh, one of the candles has gone out!" "This is horrible." "I don't want to see any more of this." "What the fuck?" "Whoops!" "What was that last one?" "Forget about it." "We were talking today about what everyone was going to go on to do and..." "I'd always thought that me and you could've been on the radio together." "Like a joint DJ slot." "No crap." "Only cool tunes." "No Crap FM." "Look, Rae..." "I really miss ya." "It's bullshit that you're gone." "I hate it." "Everyone hates it." "Anyway, look..." "He really misses me." "I know." "He really misses me." "Yep." "Will he ever have sex with me if I wake up?" "I can't answer that." "Will he ever kiss me?" "I can't answer that either." "Where is everything?" "It's gone." "No-one lives here any more." "Why?" "Your mum and Karim didn't work out." "She blamed yourself for your death." "She had a breakdown." "Where does she live?" "With your Uncle Martin in King's Lynn." "No!" "No, this isn't how it's meant to be!" "What?" "!" "Did you just think you could slip out of the world with nothing happening because of it?" "Do you think anyone can do that?" "There's one more reason why you should wake up." "I don't want to know any more." "No." "This is nice." "When you wake up," "Finn's at the side of your bed, holding your hand." "Your mum and Karim are in the corner." "There's balloons and music." "And it's perfect." "OK." "I'm ready." "Close your eyes." "Good luck!" "Oh, my God!" "Are you all right?" "Why did you step into the road like that?" "How long was I unconscious for?" "I don't know." "Maybe a second." "Oh. oh, what about the coma?" "What coma?" "Oh, no, no!" "I don't know what you're talking about." "Oh, everything's still shit!" "Why were you on the bridge?" "I was going for a walk." "How can you drive anyway?" "I thought you were like 14." "I'm 17." "17 and you still shout names at me in the street." "Well, you're always looking at us like knobheads." "That's because you shout the words "fat bitch" in my face every other day." "Are you going to tell anyone that I ran you over?" "I don't care enough to tell anyone." "Look, um, sorry for calling you Jabba and that." "Yeah, well, I don't mind but... it's so uninventive and so unfunny, it makes me want to punch myself in the tit." "I'm sorry." "I didn't know you was all right." "Exactly." "It shouldn't matter." "You don't treat people like dirt." "I already know I'm shit." "I don't need reminding." "Do you want me to ring anyone?" "No." "But what about your mum or someone?" "No!" "But what about your mates?" "I said "no", all right?" "Look, I haven't got anyone to ring anyway." "Why don't you just go home?" "I said you didn't have to wait with me." "What were you doing on the bridge?" "Look, I'm not going anywhere until you've rang someone." "Who do you call in an emergency?" "'There was one person missing.'" "Come in." "I was looking for Kester." "Dr Gill has taken leave of absence." "Oh." "You must be Rae." "Dr Gill said you might be back." "Hello?" "Anybody home?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "It's Rae." "Rae, what are you doing here?" "I called your number and your wife gave me this address." "Jesus, what have you been doing?" "I'm, er, really sorry that you had to see me like that, Rae." "Like what?" "I didn't see anything." "What happened to your bookshelf?" "Oh, yeah, it thought it could beat me but I had a hammer so there was only ever gonna be one winner." "Why are you on leave from work?" "Well, I thought... with what happened with Tix and then with you leaving..." "I thought it would be a good idea to take some time off and, you know, sort myself out." "I like your flat." "Yeah, it's nice, isn't it?" "I never thought I'd be living in a one-bedroom apartment and, um, assembling a flat-pack wine rack in my late 40s." "But there you go." "You know, it's really nice, it's really nice to have, um, some... space." "It's nice to um, have... a fresh start." "What happened with Tix, it wasn't your fault." "And me walking out... wasn't your fault." "I like that you're a mess." "That's what makes you real." "Like us." "Oh..." "Yeah..." "I nearly did something stupid." "How stupid are we talking?" "The stupidest." "What made you want to do something like that?" "I just can't see a way out." "I can't see any way out." "Of what?" "Of being me." "Did anything in particular happen?" "Loads of stuff happened." "I was upset about Tixy." "I stood her up." "I forgot all about her." "Look, she over-exercised and her body couldn't take it." "That's not your fault." "Anything else?" "Chloe found my diary." "So know everyone's going to know how messed up I am." "But that's not everything." "It was my mum's wedding today." "It's the reception now." "She's going to be so angry that I missed it." "I had a kind of argument with her this morning." "And she told me that my dad has never tried to get in touch." "And that I need to make more of an effort if I want to be part of the family." "You've never talked much about your dad, have you?" "He left when I was really little." "And, yes, I'm pretty lucky in a way cos I never got to know him." "I'm not angry about it." "I don't even think about him." "I remember when I was seven," "I went over to Chloe's house for a sleepover and we got up cos she'd had this brilliant idea." "She'd been watching people sledging on TV and she wanted us to get an empty pillowcase, put our legs in, and sledge down the stairs." "Huh..." "It's funny now but... we were there crying our eyes out and Chloe's dad came running out of the lounge." "And he had to pick one of us up first." "And he reached over me and picked up Chloe." "And afterwards, we were sitting in the lounge and her dad, well, he just sat with her on his lap." "He stroked her hair." "Did you wish it was you?" "Maybe." "I don't know." "I guess I just feel like I missed out on something." "I felt sad about that." "I still feel sad about that." "I mean... it's not fair, is it?" "That little seven-year-old doesn't have a dad." "It's not her fault." "Er, you are that seven-year-old, Rae." "You're talking about yourself." "Yeah, I know I am." "But what I'm saying is... it's not right to do that to a seven-year-old." "To do that to you." "To leave you." "Fine." "It's not fucking right to do that to me." "I wouldn't do that if I were someone's parent." "I wouldn't do that." "So why do I have to wind up with some prick for a dad who doesn't even want to see his own kid?" "!" "His own fucking kid." "He doesn't even know what I'm like." "He doesn't deserve to know you, Rae." "What?" "How do you do that?" "Do what?" "Five minutes ago, I said I wasn't even angry about it." "I didn't do anything." "Rae!" "Rae, look at me." "Whatever situation you find yourself in, there is always, always, always a way out." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "I am not going to leave you and I am not going to give up on you." "And your dad did whatever your dad did." "Not because of anything you did." "And not because of anything you are." "So you can't spend the rest of your life being afraid of people rejecting you." "You have to start by not rejecting yourself." "You don't deserve it." "So, from now on, people either accept you for who you are, or they can fuck off because you're an amazing person, Rae." "I think we can probably still, er, make the reception." "No..." "I can't go." "I can't face them all." "Yeah..." "Yeah, I think you can." "Come on." "Oh...!" "Stupid bloody dress!" "Oh..." "Don't turn around!" "I'm not turning around." "I'm ready." "Wow!" "Do I look all right?" "You look fantastic." "Right." "Let's do this." "I'm not going in." "What?" "I can't go in on my own." "Yes, you can." "Go on." "Go on!" "Just..." "This is awful." "Maybe I can just hide." "Oh, my goodness." "I am so sorry I'm late." "Wow, Mrs Hottie-Pants!" "Look at you!" "Right, where did you get to last night?" "I had to get a taxi back about three-ish to escape from that drug-dealer man." "Really?" "Izzy, where the fuck have you been?" "At home." "Why?" "I was worried about ya." "Everyone was." "What happened between you and Kendo?" "How do you care?" "I don't." "I just..." "Just do what you want, yeah?" "Um, Rae, can I have a word, please?" "Right, I'm only here because of your mum." "I don't know what to say." "Have you told everyone?" "No, I haven't told everyone, Rae." "And do you know why?" "Because I'm a good person." "I know you're a good person." "I won't tell anyone, Rae, but you need to stay away from us." "I don't want to be anywhere near you." "And they were my friends first, so that's the way it's going to be." "'There's a feeling I get." "And its roots are deep and rotten." "'It's when you realise something is fading into a memory 'before your very eyes.'" "Hi." "Hi, everyone." "I know it's usually the groom who says a few words." "But we thought it'd be better if I took the honours." "Um..." "Oh, Karim... my beastie." "I love you so much." "Aw!" "I want him to feel at home tonight, OK?" "So let's all show him how we party in Lincolnshire!" "We've both..." "Yeah, we've had quite a difficult time recently, so it's, um, it's really nice that we've got something we can all celebrate... together." "Does anyone else want to say anything?" "Fuck it." "Yeah, I do." "Hello." "Hello." "Er... um..." "Well, firstly, I just want to say congratulations to my mum and Karim." "I'm really sorry I missed the ceremony." "Karim makes my mum really happy." "And that's all I care about." "Well, that's all anyone should care about." "Hear, hear." "And we deserve a bit of happiness." "We deserve to smile more and... we've definitely done that since he arrived." "Hooray!" "Um..." "And the second thing is..." "I just want to tell everyone the truth about me." "Um... in the spring, I was admitted to a mental home because I kept trying to hurt myself." "I'm actually mad." "And I do really weird things like..." "I turn light switches on and off in divisions of eight." "I've..." "I've cut myself." "Um, I burn myself with hot water." "Well, I used to." "And I've got this really funny relationship with the larder in our house where my mum keeps sweets and biscuits and crisps, and all the things that we shouldn't eat." "Sorry, Mum." "Um..." "And, er, I keep a diary... of all my thoughts." "And most of the time, I don't even think about what I'm writing." "Like when I write about my friends... when they make me angry." "But it doesn't mean that I don't love them." "And, you know," "I write a lot about boys." "I fantasise quite a lot about, um, doctors, teachers, actors, pop stars, any man that I've come in contact with anywhere, really." "But..." "Well, some more than others." "So, um, well, that's the truth." "So, thanks." "Thanks for listening." "Hello!" "Hello!" "I say, vive I'amour!" "Vive la vie!" "I need to say something." "I need to say something." "Izzy, I fuckin' love you." "It's the truth." "I love ya." "Come here." "I need to say..." "I need to say something." "I'm, er..." "Er, I'm just so pleased to be included in your special day and the wonderful celebration." "Aw." "Come here, babe." "Come out here." "That was very brave of you." "You look like you're having a nice time." "I'm having an awful time, Rae." "Why?" "What happened?" "My best friend never came to my wedding." "I had to think about everything today." "And..." "I know this morning I said I was fine about the letters and about Dad, but..." "I'm not fine." "I don't think I've been fine for years." "Well..." "I wrote them because I wanted to make you feel like you had someone there." "Mum..." "I did have someone there." "Have I still got a chance to be part of this family?" "Rae!" "You are this family!" "I love you more than anything on earth." "If I didn't, I'd be in Tunisia, wouldn't I?" "Where it's 30 bloody degrees every day!" "Come here." "Mum?" "We'll never be a hugging family, will we?" "May I have the bride and groom, please?" "Right, that's me, so come on!" "Hi, everyone." "Hi, again." "Oh, look, thank you for coming to celebrate our wedding." "We really appreciate it and we wondered if you'd join us in our first dance." "It's a really special song for us." "I can't believe you just did that." "Listen, Chloe, the things you read, like the things about Archie," "I don't care what you tell people about me but you can't say anything about anyone else, it's not fair." "What things?" "Look, Rae, what I said in there, I didn't mean it." "Look, you can have it back." "This is what you're angry about?" "Wouldn't you be angry if your best mate said you didn't deserve someone?" "Oi, what are you laughing at?" "Chloe!" "What?" "I didn't mean it." "Well, me and Finn aren't going out now anyway." "You know, we spoke about it and we just decided we're different people." "Oh..." "Now, we both know that's total bollocks, because he's not interested." "So, you're welcome to him, I guess." "Am I a bitch, Rae?" "Everyone can be a bitch." "Yeah, but it's like some more than others, isn't it?" "Chloe... you're not a bitch." "All right then, I'm not." "You coming in?" "Yeah." "The precious gift of one of the greatest songs of all time." "And if anyone asks you who made you rock out to this, you tell them it was Arnold Peters." "Yeah?" "♪ How many special people change?" "♪ How many lives are living strange?" "♪ Where were you while we were getting high...?" "♪" "Archie?" "Yeah?" "Where's Finn?" "Er, he said something about going to the chippy." "♪ .." "Where were you while we were getting high?" "♪" "♪ Someday you will find me Caught beneath the landslide" "Finn." "Why didn't you tell me?" "I'm so sorry." "I..." "I want to tell you something." "What?" "I'm not..." "I'm no good with words." "I'm not..." "I'm no good with speaking." "Finn... don't say it if you don't mean it." "I don't believe you." "I don't..." "I don't care if you don't believe me." "So, what now?" "Your Auntie Bet's got terrible spelling." ""Congratulations on your weeding."" "Aw, thanks for my wedding card, Rae." "What wedding card?" "The one you left on your desk." "Oh, fuck!" "That's not for you." "Oh, who else?" "It's for your other mum, is it?" "Well, you talk more random shite sometimes, you." "Ooh!" "They are..." "Er, it is their... home in..." "They had born..." "They are born." "Les petite oiseaux, puisque ils sont jeunes..." "So why don't you tell me how you're feeling?" "Same old." "I just wish I could make Tix better." "Well, it's a good sign that she made it through the night." "So I..." "I don't get where I am." "I tried to do something stupid." "So, do you think I need to come back into hospital?" "No." "So do you think I'm better?" "No." "So, what?" "I think you're ready to start therapy."