"SUMNER'S RETURN" " Oh, hi." " I know you're surprised to see me." "But it's taken every ounce of courage to show my face here today." "Come on." "We get a lot of funny looking faces in here." "You don't remember me, do you?" "I'm Professor Sumner Sloan." "I came in several months ago with Diane." "To my shame, I deserted her here to go back to my ex-wife." " What can I get for you?" " I'll have a glass of white wine." "Over dinner last night, a mutual friend told me she works here." "Is that correct?" "I don't know." "I wasn't at the dinner." "You slime." "You are a total scuzzball." "You're not fit to live with sewer rats." " I can't defend myself." " I thought she was talking to me." " Afternoon, everybody." " Norm!" "I thought you guys were at the baseball game." " We left in outrage." " They asked us to change seats." " Why'd they ask you to change seats?" " We took off our shirts to get some sun." "They said the glare off Norm was blinding the batters." "Can I help it if I have alabaster skin?" "It's all right." "Baseball should be played at night anyway." "Don't say anything." "Oh." "I killed him." "There's only one thing that can save me." "I miss the good old days when they threw up at the sight of each other." " Hello, everyone." " What's happening?" "There's someone waiting to see Diane in the men's room." "Oh, Coach." "Sometimes, you get your participles in the wrong place." "Well, I slept on my stomach last night." "He's right, slats." "You do have company." "Diane, please." "He's very sensitive about his face." "You said you'd be right back." " That was a year ago." " Well, you know the traffic in Boston." "Diane, I need to talk to you." "You have every right to say no, but you've always been one to listen to another person's point of view." "Sam, may Sumner and I use your office for a few minutes?" "Of course." " Don't worry about it, Sam." " I'm not worried." "There's no reason to be." "You and Diane have a great thing going." "Besides, any girl choosing him over you would have to be crazy." "You think he's got her undressed yet?" "Joking, joking." "Before you go on, let me say first that I've gotten over you." "So I hope you didn't come to get me back." " I didn't." " Oh..." "Good." "I'm still with Barbara, but I want desperately to win you back as a friend." "I can't live with the thought of someone hating me." " I don't hate you, Sumner." " I can't stand someone thinking I'm a..." "A creep?" "Well, you might have to live with that one." "My God." "Even a trace of your laughter lights up a room." "Well, there are things about you that I have missed too." "Sumner, let's cut the crap." "Cut the crap?" "What have they done to you in this place?" "Do you want to be forgiven?" " You're forgiven." " Thank you, Diane." "Far more than I deserve." "Now, why don't we both just go about our lives?" "Well, I do have to be running along." "I have a class shortly." "Dare I think this thought?" " What?" " Let's have a dinner together." "The three of us." "I want you to know Barbara." "Oh, I don't wanna know Barbara." "If you want to understand me and what I did to you, you must know Barbara." "I'd feel very uncomfortable." "You wouldn't." "You two are sisters of the soul." "You have so much to share." "Please, Diane." "Do it for me." "For what was once and always will be ours." " All right." " Splendid." "Oh, are you seeing anyone now?" " No." " No one you want to bring along?" " No." " Very well, just the three of us." "I'm looking forward to it." "until then." "Not mad for your decorator, Sam, old man." "It's OK." "It's just a warning shot." "Can you believe he came here thinking he was gonna apologise for everything?" "Want me to punch his lights out for you?" "I think the best thing now is to let it fade from our memories." "You are the only one in the world for me now." "Oh, Diane, I'm lecturing on Friday night." "Can you make it Saturday?" " Sure." " Great." "See you then." "Now before you get angry, this can all be explained very easily." "He wants me to meet his wife Barbara." "It's an innocent dinner." "I didn't want you to worry, so I..." "I told him a little white lie." "One more thing, Diane." "Since you're not seeing anyone," "I know a young fellow in the philosophy department you might like." " No." "Thank you." " As you wish." "This one's a little harder." "Let me explain." " Sam, will you listen to me?" " I'm tired of listening to you." "You guys are just doing this to get my hopes up, right?" "You don't understand." "I didn't tell him about us because it's not his business." " How come you lied to me?" " I..." "I didn't lie to you." "I just didn't mention it." "There's a difference." "It's a subtle difference at best, Diane." " I should have mentioned it." "I'm sorry." " Well, it's OK." "I'm not an idiot." "You didn't tell him about me because you're ashamed of me." "I'm not ashamed of you." "Sam, you've got to understand." "I have always been intimidated by that man." "He thinks everyone is beneath him." "You make a mistake, he's merciless." "I was trying to protect you." "You're saying I'm too dumb to associate with your friends." "That stinks." "Another thing." "You're as much of a snob as he is, you know that?" "You're right." "I'm going to call Sumner right now and tell him you will be my date Saturday." "You're my fella." "And I'm proud of it, Sam." "Hey, Sammy!" "All right!" "All right." "Yeah." "Great, great work, Sammy." "You just argued your way into spending Saturday night with three Dianes." "She's right." "That Sumner guy's a major brain, Sam." "He's an intellectual pit bull, Sammy." "If he senses fear, he'll attack." "Reduce you to blubbering flesh in front of your sweet pea." "He does seem kind of nasty, doesn't he?" "He's mean, Sam." "Yeah, but it's not like I'm stupid, is it?" "Oh, my God!" "What am I doing?" "I'm gonna look like an idiot." "It's gonna be OK." "Talk about something you know about and they don't." "Say, something like your apartment." "Coach, I don't think everyone wants to talk about my apartment." "Of course not." "They'd look stupid trying." "No." "You know, Diane's right." "I'm gonna embarrass her." "Believe it or not, I think I have a simple solution to all this." "He's a literature professor, right?" " Yeah, right." " "War And Peace" is the greatest novel." "You read it between now and Saturday." "Drop in a few comments over dinner." "You're off to the races." " "War And Peace" is good?" " The first 800 pages are a bit slow but it shoots off after that." "I've got five days." "How long is this book?" "I've delivered a few for the book clubs and it's three-and-a-half pounds." "Forget it, Sam." "Nobody can read four ounces a day." "No, listen, if this is the best book ever written, I'm gonna read it." "I'll get it now." "What was the name?" ""War And Peace"." "You have to write that down?" "And misspell it?" "The apartment, Sam." "The apartment." " Come in." " How you doing, Sammy?" "Oh, it's you guys." "I thought it was Diane." "Turn on the lights, will ya?" "Hey." "I've never been in here before." "Classy, Sam." "You know where I can get one of these?" "Mother's Day's coming up." "Would you give me a few minutes?" "It's almost finished." " What time is it?" " How many beers have I had?" " Eleven." " 8:05." "God, they're gonna be here any minute." "Oh, God." "Cold coffee." "You know, I've been up five nights." "No, I feel great." "I really do." "What did I stand up for?" " To hike up your shorts?" " No." " Hey, Sam." "Cheesehead's here." " Thank you, Carla." "Where's Diane?" "She just went into the ladies room with a tub of mascara and a putty knife." " We're out of here, Sammy." " Bye, Sammy." "Hey, wait a second." "Do either one of you guys have two type B batteries?" "You know, I've got one." "No." " Sumner." " Ah, Diane." " Where's Barbara?" " Barbara can't make it." "She's ill." " Well, then, we'll make it another time." " Nonsense." "I won't hear it." "We'll be poorer for her absence but richer when the cheque comes." "But the whole point was for me to meet her." "She insisted her frailty not ruin the evening for us." "Isn't she magnificent?" "So I've heard." "Sam, if you wanna have fun tonight, you'd better bring along a yo-yo." "Hey, guys." "It's in the bag." "I finished it." "Sammy, shoes, shoes, shoes..." " Thank you." " Here he is." "Sam?" "You didn't shave?" "No, no." "I needed a new place to scratch." " Hey, where's your old lady?" " Oh, Barbara's ill." " She won't be able to make it." " But she'll be with us in spirit." "We have reservations for 8:30 at Maison Robert." " Oh, wonderful." " I am looking forward to this evening." "I've waited a long time to sit down with this guy and talk "War And Peace"." " "War And Peace"?" " Oh, yeah." "Great book." "Classy." "I taught a Tolstoy seminar for six years." "I vowed never to discuss him again." "It is the most over-analysed novel ever written." "Thanks." "Smells like something good cooking up at old Melville's." "Yeah, I wonder what it is, Norm." "Well, that would be cream of watercress soup, Coach." "Followed by baked mussels lightly coated with tarragon butter and topped off by a fine raspberry torte." "Fine gourmet cooking is truly one of the greatest pleasures of life." "Absolutely." "Coach, what's the expiration date on these?" "Yesterday." "We'd better hurry." "Sam, how about some after-dinner drinks?" "Oh." "English." "I'm sorry." "What did you say?" " After-dinner drinks?" " Fine." "What'll you have?" " A cognac." " Deux." " How was dinner, Sammy?" " Hi, Sam." "Great." "Great dinner." "The food was French, the conversation was Greek." "I spent the evening nodding my head like an idiot." "I see." "Hey, Sammy." "How about I throw the scuzzball out of here?" " No." "Diane would be furious." " I was talking about Diane." "I wouldn't leave them together for long if I were you." "I haven't seen Diane having so much fun in a long time." "Thank you, fellows." "The only verifiable proof of the existence of a supreme being..." " What are we talking about?" " We're talking about God." "The only verifiable proof of a supreme..." "What about God?" " Well, it's rather involved." " I like involved." "Fire away." "Sumner was just saying the early mystics perceived God without subjecting him to tangible proof." " You know what I think about that?" " What, Sam?" " What is your problem?" " I don't..." "Yeah, I do have a problem." "My problem is I have not been a part of any conversation tonight." "I've tried several times to include you in conversation." "I don't think "Wrong fork, Sam" and "Don't spit that out" are conversation." "That's not fair." "We tried to solicit your opinion." "None was forthcoming." "Well, you know why that was?" "Because I didn't have one." "What do you think of that?" "Or maybe I had one and didn't want to waste it on you." " What are you trying to say?" " I'm not trying to say anything." "I'm saying it." "You and I are a joke, Diane." "You and Sumner too, but at least you're the same joke." "I may be stupid about a lot of things, but I know some things." "I know when two people do not belong together and we do not." "Sam, sit down." "You're creating a stir." "Hey, come on." "I know what's been going on all evening." "This stuff about Barbara being sick is baloney." "You set it up to get your big fan back." "Well, you got her." "Way to go, guy." " Sam, please." " I see it all very clearly now." "I got you on the rebound." "You were just slumming with me between PhDs." "Well, he's come for you." "Go with him." "I'll tell you something else, too." "Before I read "War And Peace" again in five days to impress a broad, it's gonna be a cold day in Minsk." "I have to apologise for Sam, for that totally unfounded accusation." "Well, he's more perceptive than I gave him credit for." "What are you saying?" "I did want to see if there might be a spark left of that brilliant fire that streaked across the sky like a meteor." "Barbara and I had a parting of the ways several weeks ago." " So Sam was right." " Forget Sam." "Isn't it obvious after tonight that we have something special?" "Diane, I may not be perfect..." "Then again, I may." "The point is, can you honestly say you belong more in his world than in mine?" "Ah." "So you've come to say goodbye, or, as the French say, ta-ta." "No." "I've come to tell you that Sumner has gone." " He has?" " Carla threw him out." "You chose me over him?" "I flipped a coin." " You let a coin decide this?" " Yeah." "I told Sumner heads I was going to walk in here to you." "Tails I was going to run in here to you." "Well, you're nuts, you know that?" "I mean, the guy is brilliant." " He's charming, sophisticated." " Yeah?" "If you hurry, he's yours." " Why did you pick me?" " You read "War And Peace"." " So did he." " You did it for me." "I think it was harder for you." "Call it a hunch." "It was no day at the beach, I'll tell ya." "There's one thing more romantic than you reading "War And Peace" for me." " What?" " You reading "War And Peace" to me." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, it just so happens that I have a copy right here." "You sit down right here, and I'll read to you." "Oh, that's nice." "Here we go." "Let's go see the movie." "There's a movie?" "Where's Cliff?" "I'll kill him!" "I'll kill him!" "English"