"Okay, hello, everybody." "The story I'm going to tell you right now is 110% a real story, which only makes it better." "So there was this old lady walking out of the grocery store, checking her receipts and just making sure she didn't get ripped off or anything when she finds that these three guys are breaking into her car." "She can't believe it, so what does she do?" "She puts down her groceries, and she pulls out this huge gun," "like. 50-something caliber." "Then she yells at the guys," ""Get away from my car, you ding-dong!"" "And the three ding-dongs just put up their hands." "They're like, "What's going on here? "" "They run away." "I mean, they just skedaddle." "Then the lady, she gets into her car, and then she tries the key, and it won't turn, and she's thinking," ""What the heck is going on?" "What is all this weird stuff in my car? "" "Then it hits her." "This isn't her car." "There were two cars that looked exactly the same." "Right?" "Does- does everybody get it?" "So then she goes to the police station to, like, tell them what happened, and the cop there is just cracking up." "I mean, he is- he is cracking up" "like he's never heard something so funny, because those other guys were just in there to tell on her, and then she comes in there." "So it's like, his job is done, and he is just- he is cracking up at the whole thing." "I mean, obviously no charges were filed, and then everybody was safe and everything." "But the moral is, and then- you'll like this, Gloria- is if you're going to have a senior moment, make it a memorable one." "How does this pertain to our discussion on Deuteronomy?" "What does this have to do with" "Uh..." "Father William, where does Christ's word come into this story?" "Well, that-that story really didn't have anything to do with Christ." "It-it was more of a joke story for older people, for- it was for seniors." "But what's its significance?" "Gloria, if you want to ruin the story by overanalyzing it, then, you know, congratulations." "That's what you did." "It's more just- well, okay." "Jesus is okay if we make mistakes, right?" "Right, okay, so I guess, yeah, that's how it works out." "So he's okay if we make mistakes, and this old lady made a mistake, and there- see, it-it relates." "Okay, well, this was great." "Um..." "I'll see you guys next week, all right?" "In the name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit, amen." "All right." "Father?" "Are we going to sing?" "Uh, okay, yes." "Uh, we'll sing." "# Ho, hosanna in the highest #" "# Ho, hosanna in the highest #" "Great." "Bye." "Hello, everybody." "It's me, Shane Lee." "I'm going to sing five octaves on the piano." "What?" "Dude, what are you doing?" "Dude." "# Ah #" "You are insane." "Oh, dude." "Oh, yeah, it's like that" "Dude, it all sounds the same." "Uh, I'll catch up with you later, Father Tim." " # Ah #" "Father William?" "This doesn't look like catechism studies." "Oh, Father O'Herlihey, have you seen this video?" "He's trying to" "Our computer's not for clowning around." "Father, the story you told about the old woman and the gun, where did you hear that?" "That is actually in the book of Job." "No, it's not." "Father, if you're gonna tell a story that's not directly related to the Good Book, you're gonna have to at least make it relevant, you know, somewhat truthful or thought-provoking." "These people come to us for Bible study, not internet study." "You're not up here to, uh... just to have fun with them." "Do you understand what I'm saying?" "Mm-hmm." "Father, the bishop and I were talking about making your holiday a little earlier this year, and" "I got the letter." "Well, what we're looking for, Father, is for you to go out and find the truth." "I mean, you have to ask yourself some real tough questions like," ""What am I doing here?"'" "Why did you join the seminary, Father?" "Questions like that." "Oh, oh, wait, oh, that's my phone." "Uh, it's, um..." "I'll get it later." "How about travel options?" "Have you looked into that at all?" "Yes, I have, and my mother and I were going to go to the Poconos." "That's where she went on her honeymoon with my father." "They have these bathtubs that are shaped like wine or communion glasses." "But, yeah, it was a little too expensive, and my mom didn't want to travel that far." "That's wise." "But then, I got into contact with my sister's ex-boyfriend, and he was, like, the first inspiration for me, you know?" "He was, like, my first real role model." "I mean, he is a professional musician now that's on the road, and we're gonna have a reunion." "And guess what." "Us dudes are gonna hit the water in a canoe." "That's a grand idea." "You think so?" "Well, it's-it'll do you a world of good." "But remember when you're out there, the real truth can't be found in here." "The real answers are out there and in here." "Do you understand?" "Yo, Robbie!" "Robbie!" "Hey, I got us a table already, man." "Wow." "Look at you." "It's great to see you, man." "Have a seat." "I got us some milk already." "We got some cheese sticks and some other things coming." "You can have just whatever you want, all right?" "Ah, man, Robbie." "I sent you email after email after email after email, and then I thought, "l have got to have the wrong address."" "But then I thought, "Maybe your assistant" ""reads through all your emails and takes out all the fans and the loony birds in there."" "And then I thought," ""Well, I hope they don't mistake me for one of those."" "I don't-does your" "No, I don't- I don't have one." "Right, of course, right." "You could do it." "Well, yeah." "Oh, man." "Can I get you two something to drink?" "Coffee, please, yes." "I want a refill of the milk, and I'll also have a coffee like Robbie, please?" "Thank you." "Um, when I was driving over here" "I knew it." "I knew-I knew you would come in here and just start with a story." "This is just- it's like time has not stopped." "Oh, man, you were such a great writer, Robbie." "I'm not a writer." "Okay, you are a musician and a writer, but, Robbie, no baloney at all," "I like your work equally, musician and writer." "I mean, that novelette you wrote, ooh." "How do you know about that?" "I mean, how many people write novelettes in high school?" "About zero." "Wait a minute, how did you" "I don't understand how you read that." "Okay, she would kill me if I tell you, but when you guys were dating, my sister let me read it." "Your sister." "Oh, no." "Now I'm getting myself into trouble here, but I just- I love that." "I-oh, ding." "Saved by the food." "Our mozzarella sticks." "Oh, that's wonderful." "Smells terrific." "lsn't it a little early for this stuff?" "No, I got up at 4:00 a. m." "You got the combo plate." "Okay, thank you." "Thank you." "Anything else for you, Father Billy?" "Do you want anything else?" "Uh-uh." "This is-this- too much." "Chicken tenders." "Chicken tenders." "Mm-hmm." "All right." "Will you sign my Bible?" "My great-grandfather gave me that Bible when I was six years old, and now I use it as an autograph book." "I got the guy who played Father Guido Sarducci to sign in it." "Wow." "And now I want you to sign it since you're a celebrity." "I'm not a celebrity." "Oh, yeah, what about Defrockation?" "Thank you." "What about what?" "Defrockation." "I don't know what that is." "Do not play like you don't know Defrockation." "l-I don't know what that is." "You're the guitarist for the band Defrockation." "Who said that?" "Google." "I Googled you, Robbie Shoemaker." "It says you're the guitarist for the band Defrockation, and it says that you guys are looking for a roadie." "Oh, man." "And I thought I might" "That's not me." "That's not me." "I haven't played guitar in, I don't know, 15 years maybe." "But you're on the road." "I'm on the road, but it's like- it's not Defrockation." "I mean, nothing near that." "I'm not in a band, man." "I'm sorry to burst your bubble." "Do you-do you like boats?" "Yeah." "Do you like, um, water?" "Yes." "We should do a canoe trip this afternoon." "Dude, I don't know." "It'll be a blast." "Come on, it'll be fun." "No job, no freaking wife out there." "No freaking kids." "No freaking... parishioners." "I got to leave at 6:00 in the morning." "I'll buy." "I'll buy the food." "I'll buy the trip." "I'll buy your beer." "I'll even buy some extra smokes." "Just you and me relaxing, having fun, paddling, solitude, come on." "All right." "Yes!" "I have a bad feeling we're gonna have to shit in, like, 10 minutes." "That's a lot of grease." "We probably will need to go to the bathroom." "All right, dig in." " # My main man, Jesus is #" "# My main man #" "# Jesus is my main man #" "You ever heard that song before?" "It's Jesus is My Main Man." "Did you write that?" "Yes." "Oh." "Guess if this is real or fake." "Fake." "Real or fake?" "Fake." "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." "That's not funny." "How many Hail Marys is that?" "It's none because this is not a confessional." "Do you want to confess something to me?" "Robbie." "Priests don't ever get to confess, do they?" "Why don't you confess something to me?" "For real?" "Yes." "I've never been happy." "Really?" "Yup." "Is your hand on the wall right now like mine is?" "No." "It's not?" "I got my hand on my wall." "I feel like we're connecting." "That's weird, Billy." " # Ho hosanna #" "# Ho, ho, hosanna #" "# Ho, ho, hosanna #" "# He is Lord #" "Yeah, here's your Bible." "Here's your Bible." " # Ho, ho, hosanna #" "# He is Lord #" "# Ho, ho, hosanna #" "# Ho, ho, hosanna #" "# Ho, ho, hosanna #" "# He is #" "Yeah, can you give him a high five?" "Can you give him a high five?" "Yeah?" "Yeah?" "Okay." "All right, let's go." "Let's get in the car." "Hey, anyone work here?" "Your toilet is broken." "This has got to go down." "It's got to go." "Oh, jeez maneeze, that's a lot." "Oh, jeez maneeze." "Do you want me to pull over again?" "No." "I lost my Bible." "What?" "I lost my Bible." "In the bathroom?" "Well, let's go get it." "I'll pull- I'll turn around." "Let's go back and get it." "No, just leave it, all right?" "It fell in." "It fell in the toilet." "It's not funny." "Well, I bet, you know, they probably have something to fish stuff out of the toilet." "Forget about it." "I dropped my Bible in a pile of diarrhea." "Why, why, why did I have coffee?" "I never drink coffee, and the one day I drink coffee, of course, of course it's the day that I drop my Bible in the toilet." "Do not ever, ever, ever let me drink coffee again, ever." "Ugh, why did I eat jalapeno poppers?" "Sorry, Billy." "All right, so you start out at the big lake here..." "Mm-hmm." "And then a little turn in the bend there, and you come around down through here, and you end up right at this clearing." "That looks long." "How long is that one?" "Well, it's about six hours." "No, no, no, no, no." "What's-do you have- what's your shortest one?" "You could do this one here." "It's about three, four hours." "That's great." "That's better." "That's more of what you're looking for?" "Yeah, yeah, yes." "You can pick up your paddles and your vests outside, and, uh, what are we talking, one, two canoes?" "No, we don't need to be together." "Two, yeah." "Okay." "Hey, Billy?" "I'm gonna do two separate boats." "Is that cool?" "How hard is it?" "I've never been on a boat before." "You've never been on a- you'll be great." "You'll be fine." "Two is-he'll be fine." "How much is it?" " $22 each." "I got $40." "So if you want beer..." "We'll do one and beer." "All right." "Yeah." "One canoe." "As you're coming down to the end of this run, you'll be in the middle of" "It empties out into a little, small lake there and there's" "You're gonna go under a railroad trestle." "It's the only thing around." "There ain't nothing else there." "As long as you get there before 6:00, someone will be there to pick you up." "That way, nobody gets left." "So this is your normal clientele?" "Hello!" "Hello!" "We need a boat for freedom." "We need all of your ships." "We take everyone's freedom." "Freedom desu!" "We need a sleeping bag." "Tent." "Toilet paper." "Water." "Motorcycle." "Shampoo." "Helmet." "Chocolate." "Cigarette." "Twinkies." "Beef jerky." "Everything." "Everything." "We need a paddle." "So you want to buy a boat?" "We have the money." "Give it to me now." "You ladies can have just about anything you like." "Thank you." "We need a Twinkie." "Corn nuts." "You can get your stuff outside." "Robbie, what size life jacket do you wear?" "Come on down here." "Do you think a blue life jacket, or a yellow life jacket is safer?" "Shut up." "Give me your wallet, your cell phone, and your car keys." "Why?" " 'Cause I'm robbing you, okay?" "You think I want to get in a canoe?" "No." "Sorry." "I'm fucking with you." "I'm fucking with you." "If they go in the river," "I'm not diving in after 'em, dude, all right?" "You're messing with me?" "Yeah, I'm fucking with you." "Oh." "Okay, that's a good idea." "Oh, you know what?" "I wish I brought some galoshes, 'cause they're gonna get wet." "Galosh- did you just say "galoshes"?" "Galoshes." "Dude." "Here, you can borrow these." "Oh." "Mm-hmm." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "One more little trick." "This might be a little more like what you remember me by." "You used to wear that every single day in high school." "You do remember that shit, don't you?" "Well, there's a picture of you and Stu Prichard in the mother-freaking yearbook going like that." "In the mother-freaking yearbook." "What is that about?" "Did you see what they drove up in?" "Those girls are not hurting for money." "Look, here, so we can match." "We do match." "No, evil, dude." "Better." "Better?" "Yeah." "Hey, Billy?" "Yeah?" "Look at me." "Hold your hand on the top of it, all right?" "Dig." "Pull towards you, okay?" "How do I steer?" "No, don't." "I'm gonna steer back here, all right?" "You're pure manpower." "You're the engine." "I'm the engine?" "All right, I'm the- you're the engine." "I'm the wheel." "I'm the rudder." "Just dig." "I mean, really dig into it." "Okay." "Have you seriously never been in a boat?" "I just haven't been on small boats." "Like what, cruise ships or something?" "Yeah, I've been on a lot of cruise ships before." "Jesus Christ." "Man, this is beautiful." "There's less fishes than I thought there would be." "You want one?" "No, I should concentrate on, um, this." "No sex, no drugs, no rock and roll." "No, plenty of rock and roll." "Well, at least you got that, right?" "Yeah, you're the one that got me into that." "Really?" "Yeah!" "I'd get into whatever you guys were talking about at school." "When you wore a Lizzie Borden shirt," "I went out and bought their album." "When you talked about Judas Priest, that's what made me want to become a priest." "You're shitting me." "Yeah, I'm just razzing you." "But seriously, your band was the only band I saw live for, like, 22 years." "My favorite song of yours was Black Toilet about what it was like to be Satan's toilet and have Satan come and take a crap on you." "I used that at church once as an anti-drug lecture." "It really connected with the kids." "My band, we were cool, but we never did anything that cool." "You were in a band?" "Yeah, I was in a band, Tree of Joshua." "Oh, I did keyboards and vocal harmonies." "We-we pushed some buttons." "Yeah, what buttons were those?" "Well, I wrote a song called The 11th Commandment, and basically what it was about is that Moses had an extra commandment that he didn't share with anybody, that he kept for himself so he could be the most coolest dude," "and that commandment was the right to rock and roll." "Wow." "And so, basically, the song started real slow where we'd just list the first 10 commandments sort of, like, slow and then sad and" "Billy, paddle." "Okay." "And so, uh... where was I?" "Oh, the right to rock and roll." "Yeah, so, we hit the 11th commandment, and we just started..." "And then Moses was like, "Thou shall rock and roll!"" "Oh!" "Our band made Moses cool." "Dude, I would've killed to see that." "Well, actually, we never really got the chance to play it 'cause the other people in the band, they thought it was sacrilegious to add a commandment, so..." "Well, you can rest assured that they probably wouldn't have let you in the priesthood if you were in a metal band, so you probably did all right." "What's it like?" "What's what like?" "You know, living the rock and roll lifestyle, touring?" "Why do you think I'm in a band?" "Why do you keep bringing this up when I keep telling you that I am not?" "You're on the road all the time." "That's what you said, you're touring." "Yeah, I'm on the road, and I'm touring, but, man, I'm with the crew." "I'm a s- spotlight operator." "Okay, good one, a spotlight operator." "Come on." "You're being serious?" "Yes." "I'm sorry to disappoint you." "Well, you-how bad can it be?" "Ice Capades." "Who are the ice Capades?" "Just-Billy, just be quiet for a little while, all right?" "Look ahead, paddle, just- just be quiet for a little while." "Maria had never been in love until she met Miguel." "And Miguel, he was a man she hardly even knew." "Miguel was a highway worker." "He was one of those guys who built the overpasses and bridges that 99% of the people driving on didn't even realize existed." "They constructed these things quickly," "like an assembly line, and, well, Miguel, he slipped and he fell into the vat of cement as it was being poured, and these things being the assembly lines that they are, they just- they kept moving," "and by the time anyone realized what had happened," "I mean, just minutes later, the cement was already hardening." "Well, the workers made him an air hole, but because of previous delays on the job, they couldn't re-pour the concrete, so Miguel, he stayed in there." "The workers pledged to come by and feed him every day, but soon, they began to forget about him." "By chance, Miguel met Maria while she was out on a walk looking for her lost cat." "She found him just as he was losing hope of his own, and the two, they eventually fell in love." "Te amo." "Te amo." "Now, she knows nothing more about him but this little 3 inch by 3 inches of his face, but she visits him each day, and they just- they pass time together," "listening to the traffic pass..." "Sitting quietly under the highway." "And then what?" "And then what, what?" "And then what happens?" "That's it." "That's it?" "Mm-hmm." "Like, do they get married or have a baby, and if they had a baby, how would that work?" "No." "You didn't write that?" "No." "What if he popped a, uh..." "Popped a what?" "An erection?" "A boner?" "Yes, yes, yes, okay." "What if he pops one of those and his penis boner was so strong that it just went up like, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing?" "And as his penis boner is going up and down, getting excited, the highway starts to, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, and the drivers start to fall off," "and then his penis boner is the first thing to penetrate through the highway, and she sees his body, 'cause she's like," ""l hope his body's as good as his face", and it is." "He is gorgeous, just totally ripped, and the boner's amazing, and they live happily ever after." "It's not an amazing boner story." "It's romantic, though." "That's not romantic at all." "Boners breaking highways?" "I mean" "That's what it's called." "Jesus Christ." "So you don't have an ending?" "You know, you tell me to tell you a story, so I tell you a story." "Then you don't like the ending." "Now I got to change the- I mean, I'm not a writer, man." "I don't give a shit." "Robbie, maybe you're not a writer of stories." "Maybe you are a writer of poems." "I am not a writer of poems." "You know, poems are just stories without endings." "It's not a fucking poem, okay?" "Let's-come on, let's go." "It's time to get back on the river." "Oh, yeah, right." "We're in no rush." "We got time." "Thank you, Jesus." "Robbie?" "What do you think about Jesus?" "We got to be at that outpoint before 6:00." "Robbie?" "Hey!" "Where are you going?" "What the heck?" "We got to be at that outpoint before 6:00." "What the heck, Robbie?" "What happened to taking things easy and slow?" "What's the rush?" "One more brew, Robbie." "One more brew!" "One more brew!" "One more brew!" "Okay, look, look, I'll have one." "I'll have one." "Two buds drinking brews." "Oh, it" "Awesome." "Yeah, party hearty." "Robbie!" "You chug." "Chug party." "Yeah, yeah, Robbie!" "Yeah, Robbie!" "My turn." "Don't hurt yourself." "Whoo!" "Oh, my!" "Whoo!" "We're doing it!" "Mmm." "Mmm, mmm." "Oh." "Oh, I'm drinking my own pee." "Come on, all you boys." "I'm just a woman now." "I used to be a little girl, but now I'm a woman, so..." "# I'm a woman #" "# Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, hosanna #" "# Ho, hosanna #" "# Ho, hosanna #" "# Ho, hosanna #" "# I'm not a wo-oo-oman #" "# I'm ho-hosanna, ho-hosanna #" "I got to take it easy." "Okay, come on." "Dance party." "I looooooove nature!" "I love nature." "Have you ever been drunk before, Billy?" "What the heck?" "What the heck does it matter?" "Because you're drunk now." "How many beers have you had?" "I'm almost done." "That's the same one?" "Mm, yeah." "You mad?" "No." " 'Cause you had to drink 18 dozen beers, and I only have one and then have the time of my life?" "God damn, I" "Sucks to be you." "Sucks to be you, Robbie." "Sucks to be you." "I've corrupted a priest." "Maybe I wanted to be corrupted." "Don't wiggle your eyebrows like that." "Why not?" "It does not mean what you think it does." "What do you think that I think it means?" "It's sexual, you know?" "That's a come-on." "Do you want to come on to me?" "Rock and roll!" "Ah, son of a bitch." "Don't do that." "God damn it." "Don't do that." "You were so scared." "Oh." "Don't." "Are you gonna get sick?" "You do not puke in this boat." "Do you hear me?" "So do you have a lot of groupies?" "Man, there aren't a lot of groupies for a spotlight operator." "I'm with the crew." "We don't have groupies." "Tell me a groupie story." "What is it with the stories, man?" "I'm not a writer." "You were a writer." "You were a great one." "Why'd you stop?" "Fuck you." "I-l-'cause I grew up." "That's why." "You just told a priest to "fuck you."" "You know what I feel like?" "I feel like this could be like Of Mice and Men, where we just pull over to the side." "I'd talk to you about rabbits, get you all nice and calm, put a gun against your head, and bam!" "I'd blow your brains right out of your head." "You'd have to rape somebody first, though, right?" "Isn't that what Lenny does?" "Doesn't he rape somebody?" "All right, a groupie story." "Robbie meets a groupie, okay?" "Groupie is sister of the drummer." "Robbie gets groupie pregnant." "Robbie does the right thing." "Robbie proposes." "Then Robbie meets another groupie at this really shitty little tour in Tulsa for this Doug Henning magic show." "Robbie confesses to first groupie about second groupie." "First groupie leaves Robbie." "Robbie sits in his house alone for years." "Time passes." "Not very rock and roll." "So you've got kids?" "Two." "Here." "Here's a picture." "Careful." "You got to add seven years, though." "That-that was taken awhile ago." "Cute?" "They're all right." "Shouldn't we be seeing the outpoint by now?" "Do you think we missed it?" "We didn't go by a train trestle?" "We passed a bridge, like, an hour ago." "Are you fucking kidding me?" "Yeah, but I don't think we passed a train trestle." "A bridge or a train trestle?" "I don't know what a train trestle is." "Shit." "A bridge is something that goes over the river, all right?" "A train trestle goes over the river too, but it has lots of supports, 'cause trains are really fucking heavy." "Did it have lots of supports, or was it just like, a half a fucking donut hole?" "I don't remember." "Man, we've been on this river twice as long as that guy said." "I think we should keep going." "It's gonna be pitch-black out here in 20 minutes, you know." "We don't have flashlights." "Being on a river in the dark is a bad idea." "You know, I got to be out of here by 6:00 and on the road." "I cannot get stuck out here." "We are not getting stuck out here." "Well, what do you want to do?" "I want you to paddle." "We're not gonna spend another fucking minute in this boat, all right?" "We're walking." "I don't even know where we'd walk out of here." "Where the hell would we even walk out of this place?" "Maybe they'll send a rescue boat." "Who?" "The guy at the store." "Oh, yeah, the guy at the store is gonna send a rescue boat." "I don't know." "All right, what do we have?" "We got five beers and some chicken tenders." "God damn." "God damn it." "No, don't say that." "We're gonna need all the help we can get." "Robbie, I hope you're not regretting this, 'cause" "I don't remember you, okay?" "I don't remember you at all." "What-what-what do you mean you don't remember me?" "What I mean is, I don't remember you, okay?" "How exactly do we know each other anyway, huh?" "You were over at my house." "Where's your house?" "Where's your fucking house?" "Why would I be there?" "You know all this shit about me." "How do you know it?" "Why?" "Because you were dating my sister." "Who's your sister?" "Who's your fucking sister?" "My sister is Janice Smoortser." "Janice Smoortser." "Janice Smoortser had a brother." "Dude, there were so many girls, which means a lot of little brothers, okay, a lot of little sisters, a lot of moms, a lot of dads." "It was a long time ago, all right?" "I'm sorry." "You really don't remember me?" "No, I do not, like, at all." "Then why did you come here?" "Because you were relentless, man." "You were relentless." "You fucking hammered me, and you sent me a picture of you" "looking like a sap ass just like now with your little priest collar, and who am I?" "Who am I to say no to a priest?" "I think you sent me 50 to 75 emails." "You fucking hammered and hammered and hammered me, and you get to a point where you wear somebody down." "I fucking gave up, and I showed up." "Do you know what else?" "I don't have anything!" "I have nothing in my life!" "I have nothing better to do but sit here with you, you fucking dork." "So I'm out here in the woods with Father Doofus when I should be at work, and I'm probably gonna get fired." "Janice Smoortser." "Jesus Christ." "Gimme that." "That's great." "You know, we could've used a fire." "That was really stupid." "You were my hero." "I looked up to you." "I read your stories." "I told your stories." "All right, Father Billy" "Hey, hey, hey!" "Father Billy is for my friends." "You can call me Father William." "Father Will-yam." "God, you're an asshole." "Huh?" "Do you like this?" "Do you like your fucking chicken tender?" "Don't throw my" "You don't like them?" "Don't throw my- I'll throw your beer." "Fuck you." "Why are you doing this?" "I invited you out here, and then you come here." "You were my guest, and then you just use your blasphemy and seduction techniques on me." "No, no, I didn't seduce you." "You made jokes about raping me." "That was Of Mice and Men." "It's a fucking John Steinbeck joke." "Are you retarded?" "I don't care about John Stein-buck!" "There was no train trestle, was there?" "This is all a part of your plot, wasn't it?" "Dude, you're insane." "You're insane." "You-you invited me." "Don't!" "Stop it!" "We're gonna be out here all night in the cold with no fucking- is that the last one?" "This is the last beer." "I suggest you take that beer, and you drink it." "Billy, I'm telling you, god damn it." "Don't you fucking do that." "Don't do it, Billy." "I'm gonna." "No, we're gonna be out here in the cold." "We're gonna want that." "Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy!" "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "Don't do it." "Don't do it." "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "What do you want me to say?" "You want me to tell you I'm sorry?" "I'm sorry." "You want me to tell you it got out of hand?" "It got out of fucking hand." "Listen to me, okay?" "I am sorry, but we should sit down, and we should split that, okay?" "Let me- let me have that." "Okay, all right." "Man, if it makes you feel any better..." "You're the only one who ever gave a shit about those stories." "I didn't even know anybody ever read 'em." "You're the only one who ever listened to my music." "Do you know what we need to do?" "We need to sit here." "We need to get through the night." "Then I go back to work, you go back to work, okay?" "Let's just sit down, and let's chill out." "This is stupid, okay?" "Were you in love with my sister?" "Not really, Billy." "Not at all." "It's a rescue boat!" "Oh, hey, hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Where are the railroad tracks?" "There are no railroad tracks, ladies." "Can we camp with you?" "Yes." "We have lots of food." "Please." "This is awesome." "What the heck is going on?" "Dude, they're beautiful." "Please." "Oh, gracias." "What is it?" "Please." "Oh, thank you." "Thank you very much." "Very good." "Please, thank you." "I don't really eat this." "Please." "Please." "Please?" "This is delicious." "What is in this thing?" "Plea-please." "It's like eyes and skin." "I ate a tooth." "Are we gonna have dessert?" "I could just hold for dessert and not eat this." "You are dessert." "I am dessert?" "Yeah." "Yes, very good." "Mm-hmm, that's delicious." "Oda-ma- what is it?" "Odamaida." "What was that?" "Jim." "Jim?" "Your name is Jim?" "Hai." "Huckleberry Finn desu, Tom Sawyer desu," "Jim desu." "Huckleberry Finn." "Hai." "Tom Sawyer." "Hai." "Jim-dess." "Oh, I get it." "We take Jim to freedom." "We take him Mississippi River." "You take Jim to freedom?" "Freedom!" "That's nice of you, I guess." "Big black freedom." "Very sad big black man." "Very, very sad." "We take to freedom, make him happy." "Happy." "Happy." "So where are you from?" "Where are you- where are you guys all from?" "Uh, sorry." "Oh, okay." "Where did you come from to here?" "Hmm, sorry." "Did you come from Tokyo?" "I think what he's trying to say is, where are you from?" "Yes." "Where are you from?" "Yes, yes, where are you from?" "Dude, ask-ask Jim." "Ask Jim." "You ask Jim." "Ask him." "Ask Jim." "Yeah." "Jim-chan." "It's not that important." "Ask him." "Just ask him." "Jim?" "Where are you from?" "I don't think he heard you." "Ask him louder." "I knew" "Jim, where are you from?" "See, I told you he wasn't gonna tell us." "Tom Sawyer would like to know if she can kiss you." "Oh, yeah." "No, I" "Wait, she would like to give me a kiss?" "Yes." "No, I'm a priest, so" "I'm a priest." "She says it's okay." "No, it's not, it's not" "Panda kiss." "No." "Please." "You are very cute." "No." "Hey, Tom Sawyer." "I'll give you a kiss." "No!" "Lucky dog." "Wow." "Now, please, campfire story." "Campfire story?" "Yes, please." "Japanese custom." "There's the greatest campfire story man in the world right there." "You tell 'em a story." "They gave you a kiss." "Get a-get a story from cute boy." "Robbie, don't be shy." "Tell us a campfire story." "Don't be shy!" "I can't think of one." "Please!" "Robbie." "I don't-I don't have" "Robbie." "Robbie." "I don't have another story." "You've got to." "You got to." "Robbie!" "Robbie!" "Robbie!" "Campfire story." "Robbie!" "Robbie!" "Campfire story." "All right, you guys want a story?" "Story." "You want one?" "Yeah." "All right." "This is one I've never told you." "Ooh." "I don't think you've ever heard this one before." "This one is about the depressed businessman." "This guy was at the end of his rope." "His life was horrible." "He never married." "His parents were both killed in a tragic accident, so he'd been alone most of his life." "He lost every cent he ever had." "He had put it all into the stock market, and he lost it." "Oh." "Oh." "And now-now he had had this enormous business deal, and he screwed it up, and this was gonna be the one that brought him back, and he blew that." "If he had no money, how was he gonna be involved in a business deal?" "He was using credit cards." "He was doing it on credit cards?" "He was doing it on credit cards." "You should never do that." "So anyway..." "Now, just to say, okay, he'd been contemplating this for a very long time." "This was not a rash decision, okay?" "This guy was in dire straits." "He was ready." "He was prepared to leave this world." "This was it." "This was his end." "Click, nothing." "Nothing at all." "He takes the gun and just- just on a whim, he aims it towards the wall." "This time, it goes off." "There's a couple next door making love, and he shot the woman." "Killed her, right?" "And so the guy looks through the hole that the bullet went through." "He just said, "Dude, you just shot my woman!" "What are you, out of your mind? "" "He was so bereft from this, click, nothing." "Now, by this time, the guy had come out of the hotel room." "He was knocking on the door." "He was like, "Dude, you open the door! "" "He aimed it towards the door." "The cops are coming, okay?" "Because the body count is being racked up at the hotel, and it's coming quick." "But wait, wait, one more thing I've got to interject, though." "This guy is a total pacifist, okay?" "He's never harmed or hurt anybody in his entire life." "He's a member of the Nature Conservancy for Christ's sake, right?" "And here he was prepared to meet his maker, and in the last seconds of his life, this gentle soul becomes a murderer, right?" "And so, cut back." "And so he knows what's gonna happen." "He can go out there, and the police will blow him away." "The police will do it for him." "He opens up the door." "All the police were out there." "He gets ready." "Bam!" "Bam!" "Bam!" "Bam!" "Bam!" "Bam!" "He fires 'em all out there, and then he gets ready and leans back, and he's ready to just be riddled with bullets by the cops." "Nothing." "Nothing." "All he hears, two dozen guns misfiring." "Tck, tck, tck, tck, tck, tck, tck." "No relief." "Not one bullet fired." "Right?" "See, they got it." "They got it." "What is, uh, ending?" "Oh, god damn it." "That is the ending." "That's-that's it." "That's the ending." "What?" "Bad." "Boo-boo, boo." "Bad?" "Bad." "Bad story?" "We don't like it." "The whole story, no?" "Hm." "No." "No." "No good." "No good." "Bad ending." "Bad!" "I like it." "Thank you, Billy." "You don't like the ending?" "No." "No ending." "No like ending." "You liked the beginning?" "Hmm." "So-so." "Well, I hate to poo-poo this party, but someone has got to pee-pee." "Bye-bye." "Bye-bye." "Bye-bye, be careful." "Father?" "Ah!" "Don't!" "Don't do that." "Don't sneak up on somebody while they're urinating." "I'm sorry, Father." "Please, I'm having a private moment here." "Would you please honor that and give me some space?" "Oh, jeez." "Thank you." "It might be a moment." "I had a few brewskies." "Whoo!" "I don't think I've ever peed this much." "I guess this multiplies in your stomach." "Is that what it does, beer?" "Does beer multiply in your stomach?" "Do you" "You don't talk much." "Ah, okay." "Almost done." "Ah." "I guess you can't wash your hands anywhere out here." "Father, I need to speak with you." "Okay." "Do you want to talk in the bathroom, or" "I need to make a confession." "Um, okay." "I guess you're not Japanese, huh?" "Look, I did something horrible." "I need forgiveness for it, Father." "What did you do?" "You know that guy, that Father Billy?" "I've known him since ninth grade." "He was my only fan." "You guys, he sent me a fan letter." "That guy, he knew every song that I'd ever wrote." "He remembered stories that I read back then." "He's a good guy." "What is that?" "Hey." "Can I have some?" "This make you stop, uh, talking." "Thank you." "Hai." "Hai." "Whoa." "It makes your mouth numb." "Why Billy friends with someone like you?" "We don't know either." "Oh, God, please." "Look, Father, I'm not a bad man." "It wasn't my fault." "They made me do it." "Jim, this is weird." "We look weird back here." "Please get up." "No, we went to church, man." "I always took communion." "Jim, I don't want the girls to see us like this." "It isn't something I planned." "It just happened." "Please forgive me." "Jim, the Lord forgives you." "It's just that," "I think we might be in my pee puddle right now." "Okay." "Jim, let's go." "Oh, okay, okay, there you go." "Oh." "So is your name Jim?" "What is it?" "Tim." "Tim." "Is that short for Timothy?" "Yes." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Hey, whoa, we got a show starting here." "What is this?" "I don't know." "Is this, like, a concert or something?" "I don't know." "This is about the only thing that could've taken my mind off of what just happened." "You got to try this." "I just peed, and I don't want to drink anymore." "No, this is part of the whole deal." "Don't be rude, right?" "This is part of the whole thing?" "Kanpai!" "Kanpai!" "Oh, that was good." "It does something weird to your mouth too." "Aren't you glad you came out?" "Yes." "This is one of the best days of my life," "I have a feeling." "I know you took a long time to answer my emails." "Wasn't this worth it?" "Yes." "And let me be the first to apologize for not answering." "Apology accepted." "Is this a show?" "Whoa, how come I can hear him?" "What is this thing?" "Is this-this is more than a boom box." "This is freaky." "Whoa!" "Your voice sounds so weird." "Say something to me." "I slit a sheet." "The sheet I slit." "Upon this slitted sheet I sit." "A slitted sheet, I slit." "Whoa, weird." "Why aren't they looking at us?" "Hey!" "These feel warm." "These feel like" "like they're making my head a little fuzzy." "Is that right?" "Why are your eyes closed?" "Oh." "Do you hear that?" "God, it's beautiful." "Did you make this music?" "I can't hear you." "You're trying to talk, but I can't hear you." "Can you hear me?" "Can you hear me?" "I can't hear you." "Shh!" "It's a little too loud." "Is yours too loud?" "Is yours too loud?" "Are you okay?" "You don't look good." "No, it's okay." "I just" "Yeah, maybe it's a little loud." "Maybe it-maybe the music's a little loud." "Guys, can you turn it down?" "Hey, knock it off!" "Is this glue?" "Do you have glue on this fucking thing?" "Look at him, he's hurt!" "Shut it off." "Robbie!" "Robbie!" "Billy?" "It's like it's drilling between my eyes." "Tell them to stop it." "Turn it off!" "Look at Robbie!" "That's so fucking loud!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Robbie!" "Robbie?" "Robbie!" "Robbie!" "Judas Priest!" "Robbie?" "Robbie?" "You okay?" "Robbie?" "Robbie?" "Robbie?" "Robbie?" "Oh." "Oh, lordy." "Robbie." "His head blew off." "Robbie?" "Robbie?" " # Do not I love Thee, O my Lord?" "#" "# Behold my heart and see #" "# And turn each cursed idol out #" "# That dares to rival Thee #" "You're going home, Robbie." "Robbie?" "You got to help me, Robbie." "I don't know how to steer this thing." "Can anybody help me steer this thing?" "Does anybody know how a canoe works?" "Who's gonna help me, Robbie?" "Oh, my God." "Who's gonna help me now?" "Oh, God." "Dear Lord, this has been the suckiest trip for me ever." "I don't know why you're screwing with me so bad, but if you want to be friends, then please, help me get back to the church safe." "I know you work in mysterious ways, so if your ways are gonna get any more mysterious, please let that happen now." "Thank you." "Amen." "Ro-Robbie!" "Robbie!" "Robbie!" "Robbie!" "It's me, your buddy." "Robbie." "Robbie?" "No." "Robbie." "Robbie Shoemaker." "You were the coolest dude ever." "Regardless of what you thought of me or what you did to my sister's body," "I hope that you find peace now." "Who's there?" "You want to fight, birds?" "What do you want?" "What do you want?" "Help!" "Give me a ride!" "Help!" "Stop!" "Let me in." "You don't understand!" "I sent Robbie an email, and then he responded, and then we went together." "It was my idea to go canoeing." "It was my idea, but it was a bad idea, because then his head, it exploded." "The Japanese girls, they made his head explode, and it was not my fault." "It was not my fault, but they did, and it got all over me, and then I ran till I couldn't run, and then the birds came in and-and I said," ""What are you doing?"'" "And then I got- and then I fought that man, and I kicked him." "I'm begging you, please." "All right, hey, just get in." "Aw." "Aw." " # Oh, sinner, do not stray #" "# From the straight and narrow way #" "# For the Lord is surely watching what you do # # lf you approach the devil's den #" "# Turn round, don't enter in #" "# Lest the hand of the Almighty fall on you #" "# He'll fuck you up #" "# Yes, God will fuck you up #" "# If you dare to disobey his stern command #" "# He'll fuck you up #" "# Don't you know he'll fuck you up #" "# So you better do some praying while you can #" "# Long ago a man named Lot #" "# Had a wife he thought was hot #" "# But she could not stop her black and sinful ways #" "# You know it was her own damn fault #" "# When God turned that bitch to salt #" "# That's the way he used to work back in those days #" "# He fucked 'em up #" "# He really fucked 'em up #" "# When the people went and turned their backs on him #" "# He can fuck you up #" "# No shit, he'll fuck you up #" "# Just like he fucked the people up back then #" "It's a sad story, ultimately, a tragedy, perhaps, uh... a little out there." "But I'm not sure I'm understanding what, uh..." "I mean, it" "Well, I think it's a love story." "Yes?" "Yes, sure." "But-but- but I'm just not positive." "If he's totally surrounded by concrete, just stuck inside this concrete pillar, then where else can the story go?" "I-I just wondered." "Um, is it hopeless?" "Well, this was a wonderful discussion." "I think we should pick up where we left off next week." "We should go home and think about this some more, really, really think about it." "Okay, I'll see you all next week." "In the name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit, amen." "And next week, I'll share with you a new parable about a businessman at the end of his rope." "All right, have a great weekend, everybody." "It's really nice." "Thank you, Father." "Oh, thank you." "I really did feel you hitting on something there." "Oh, thank you." "Very inspirational." "Thank you." "They seem to be very pensive this week, Father." "I'm hearing some good things." "Yes, we're having some great discussions." "I'm proud of you, my son." "You've come a long way in a short amount of time." "I think that the vacation did you some good, wouldn't you say?" "I think so." "Oh, by the way, these-these came for you." "They were in my box." "Oh." "Thank you, Father." "You're welcome." "It's good to see you, Father William, young and strong and healthy." "Blessed be the saints." "Father, could I see you over here for a minute, please?" " # My main man Jesus is #" "# My main man #" "# Jesus is my main man #" "# In my heart, Jesus lives #" "# My main man #" "# Jesus is my main man #" "# My main man Jesus is #" "# My main man #" "# Jesus is my main man #" "# In my heart, Jesus lives #" "# My main man #" "# Jesus is my main man #" "# My main man Jesus is #" "# My main man #" "# Jesus is my main man #" "# In my heart, Jesus lives #" "# My main man #" "# Jesus is my main man #" " # My main man Jesus is #" "# My main man #" "# Jesus is my main man #" "# In my heart, Jesus lives #" "# 'Cause my main man #" "# Jesus is my main man #" "Yes, he is." "# Through my hands, Jesus gives #" "# Through my hands, Jesus gives and gives #" "# And in my arm, Jesus lives #" "# 'Cause my main man #" "# Jesus is my main man #" "# Whoa, whoa #" "# Oh #" "# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh #" "# My main man Jesus is #" "# My main man #" "# Jesus is my main man #" "# In my heart, Jesus lives #" "# 'Cause my main man #" "# Jesus is my main man #"