"'Ere, 'scuse me." "Ah!" "You see 500 blokes go by here on cycles?" "What, all in stripy shirts and little black pants?" " That's right, yeah." " About 500 of 'em?" "About 500, yeah." "No, I haven't seen 'em." "You ain't seen 'em?" "'Cause I lost the pack back at Guildford, you see." "Oh, where you trying to get to?" "Well, I'm in a Birmingham-Mandalay cycle race." "This is the road to Mandalay, innit?" "No, this is the Samarkand bypass." " The Samarkand bypass?" " Yeah." "I took the first left at the railway junction back at Guildford." "No, you should've gone right there, gone through the traffic lights., and then over the roundabout and straight through to Mandalay." "Well, I went left there." "Ah, well, this is just the Samarkand bypass." "Well, what's my best way of getting to Mandalay, then?" "Well, you're a bit out of it here, ain't you?" "Erm..." "You've got your two alternatives." "Either you go back the way you come." "Yeah." "That's not a favourite, you get caught up in the one-way system and the Wimbledon traffic, now, it's terrible." " Yeah." " I advise you, go straight ahead..." " Straight ahead." " Straight ahead." "Just follow your nose, basically." "Till you come to the Great Wall of China, it's a T-junction." "You turn right there to Xanadu and it's one, two... third on the left takes you to Neasden, then it's signposted from there to Mandalay." "So, it's straight up to the Great Wall of China, fork right, through to Xanadu, then to Neasden," " and it's signposted." " To Mandalay." "That way, you take hours." "I'd go up that way." " Right through there?" " All right, then." " Thanks." "Bye." " Good luck." "Remember, straight through, up to the T-junction," "Great Wall of China." "All right?" "And now, our guests from America," "Goldie And The Gingerbreads." "# Every time I see you lookin' round me" "# Baby, baby, can't you hear my heartbeat?" "# Through the park or walkin' down the highway" "# Baby, baby, can't you hear my heartbeat?" "# When you move up close to me" "# I get a feeling like oo-oo-ee Yeah!" "# Did you hear the poundin' of my heartbeat?" "# You're the one I lo-ove" "# You're the one I love" "# Can I feel you put your arms around me?" "# Baby, baby, can't you hear my heartbeat?" "# When I'm glad, I'm mighty glad you found me" "# Baby, baby, can't you hear my heartbeat?" "# When you asked me to meet your ma" "# I knew that, baby, we'd be going far Yeah!" "# Can't you hear the pounding of my heartbeat?" "# You're the one I lo-ove" "# You're the one I love" "# Wedding bells are going to chime" "# And baby, baby, you're gonna be mine Yeah!" "# Can't you hear the pounding of my heartbeat?" "# You're the one I lo-ove You're the one I lo-ove" "# You're the one I lo-ove... #" "Every so often in television a breakthrough occurs and tonight, we're going to attempt one." "We've invited an eminent painter to come along and in the given allotted time, produce a painting, a masterpiece, or whatever." "Well, at the moment our studio manager is putting the audience at its ease." "...putting that fag out, sir, thank you very much." "It's not me, it's BBC regulations." "Right." "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, it's very nice to see such a warm crowd here tonight." "Er, as you know, you're here on a rather important occasion, this is a sort of departure in television." "Er, as you probably know, we are going to have an artist come to the studio and paint a picture." "We're going to see an artist actually in the process of creation." "Er, we're going to catch him, er, on the job, as it were." "(Laughter)" "Thank you..." "Thank you very much, you're very kind." "Erm... (Laughter)" "Now, er, let me explain, first and foremost, that you're here to enjoy yourselves." "That's what you're here for." "But we do crave your indulgence in one small area, that of applause." "We do need a little applause to bring the guest on, so if you would bear with me, I wonder if you wouldn't mind going through it." "When I go like this, it means applaud." "When I go like this, it means fade." "Can we try a rehearsal, if you don't mind?" "Applause, applause, applause." " (Applause)" " Fade... (Applause fades, man shouts)" "Right..." "Thank..." "Thank you very much, sir." "Right, er, I think a couple of us made a few mistakes there, didn't we?" " Er..." " (Laughter)" "Right, erm, let's try it once more, shall we?" "Right." "Applause, applause, applause." "(Applause)" " And...fade." " (Applause fades)" "Wonderful." "Great." "Oh...yes...yes, the producer's just asked me to tell you that you're being very sweet and cooperative about this, thank you very much indeed." "(Laughter)" "Oh. excuse me a moment, the producer wants to talk to me again." "(Woman's voice)" "Er, yes." "He's still in make-up." "Oh, he's on his way now, right." "Fine." "Good." "Right." "Er, ladies and gentlemen, the great moment." "Erm, I'd like you to give a warm but discreet welcome to the internationally famous" "British portrait painter," "Sir Gregory Humble." "(Applause)" "Thank you very much." "I'm afraid I got lost in the corridors..." "Yes, he's a bit older than we thought but make-up can take care of that." " ..." "I hope I'm not late." " Yes." "Er, right." "I know he's been to make-up, he can go back again, OK?" "Erm, Sir Gregory, it's very nice to have you here today, we're very honoured that you have taken the time to inaugurate this program, thank you very much..." "Thank you very much, it's a wonderful privilege to be here this evening." "Well, there's not much we can do about it now, is there?" " Erm..." " Is something wrong?" "Er, well, erm..." "No, not exactly, it's, erm, just, er..." "You don't happen to have another suit with you, do you?" " Er, not on me, no." "This is..." " No." " No, fine." "Great." " ...the one I have." "Is it all right?" "Great Great Fine." "Lovely." "No, it's just that we thought that performing in front of ten million people and, er, being an artist and so forth, you might have worn something gayer." " This is the gayest thing I have." " Nobody told me about it, did they?" "Right?" "Right, let's get on with it, please." "Er, props, could we have the stuff." " I hope it won't detract at all..." " No, it's all right." "There's your easel, of course." "Ah, the easel, my old friend." "And of course the palette." " That's the palette, yes?" " And the brushes." "And you got all the colours here - red, green and, erm, yellow." " Yes, I recognize those." " Yes, fine." "Erm, now, where d'you wanna stand?" "Is this all right?" "Er, wherever is convenient for you." "That OK?" "Right." " That's all right." " Fine, I'll just mark you." "Hold on." "Right." "Touch of green." "Yeah?" "Right." "Now, for goodness' sake, don't move from those, erm, marks..." " I'm not allowed to move from there?" " You're not allowed..." "I wonder if I can move my feet a little, they're parallel and I might, er, topple over if..." "Well, I wish you wouldn't because we..." "It's fixed now, if you don't mind..." " I'll stay with this." " If you wouldn't mind." "Right, settle down now, studio..." "I realize time's going on, I'm more aware of it that you are." "We'll try a rehearsal..." " This is the rehearsal, is it?" " Yes." "What I want..." "Do I use the paints this time?" " No, you can mime the painting." "Erm..." " Right." "What I want you to do is paint away for four minutes, right?" " Four minutes." " When I give you this sign," " it means 60 seconds to go." " 60 seconds." " When I do this, it means wind up." " Wind up." "When I do this it means stop what you're doing, put your brushes down on the palette, step back, a lettering artist comes in, puts your signature to the painting - he's got it very well, and, er, there we are, OK?" "So, there it is, er, wind up, er, 60 seconds to go..." "I'm giving him the bloody signs." " I'm sorry, you were saying?" " Sorry, you were saying?" "I go now, from here..." " Shh, right, here we go." " Is this real?" "No." "No, this is a rehearsal." "And...cue!" "Erm..." "Greg, love, what are you doing?" "I was thinking where to place the paints." "Well, don't think, just paint, mate, because we've only got six minutes." "I thought we had four, only." "No, it's six because it's, you know, the intro and the applause and things." "(Woman's voice)" "Look, you do your bloody job, I'll do mine." "What is this?" "Just try once again." "OK?" "And...cue!" " Hold it, studio, hold it!" " Sorry." "Hold it, Greg." "Hold it Hold it." "Hold it." "Hold it." "You gonna move, Greg?" "I think I'll have to move, yes, to reach the canvas." "He wants to move." " All right, yes, you can move." " Is that all right?" " Thank you." "I'm sorry about..." " You come and bloody well try, then!" " OK..." " I've split the canvas." " That's all right, just go ahead." "Right?" " Now..." "And...cue!" " (Woman's voice)" " Eh?" "No, it's not..." "What?" "Well, this is what he does, isn't it?" " What you do, isn't it?" " Yes, this is my art." "Yes..." "It's what he does, yes." "All right, I'll have a word." "Erm..." "Greg, Greg, Greg..." "Greg, love, erm..." "I..." "I don't want you to take what I'm gonna say the wrong way." " No." " Erm..." "Now, you see," "I think it's great." " Well, it's not finished yet..." " No, I think it's great." " I think it's great, you think it's great." " Well..." "They don't know it's great, I mean, for an audience, it's a bit too confused." "It's abstract at the moment, yes." "I know, but, you see, if you don't mind, I think we ought to just remember that the tonal range of the cameras is a bit limited." "Of course, yes." "And I think it's a question of applying more the principles of the early Cubists, rather than this sort of rubbish." " Can I take over a minute?" " There is a..." " I'm sorry, yes." " I'd just like to show you what I mean." "You see, I think, this is showing too much of the romantic tendencies of the Paris school." "Could you just..." "Hold on, these are a bit in my way." "Erm..." " (Woman's voice)" " I think what we need here is the tight, plastic feeling..." " Yes, yes..." " ...of the Blue Riders." " Er, a more direct approach, you see." " Very well, then." " All right, studio." " So the cameras pick it up." " And there's no problem with the audience." " Cue." "Oh, right." "Erm, applause, applause, applause." "In 1921, an unknown foreign actress came to Hollywood." "15 years later, she left a total stranger." "Today, she remains an enigma." "Anna Nigma was born in the friendly Finnish fishing village of Fromsk." "Her father, a Dutch captain," "Her mother a French polisher." "But, from an early age," "Anna yearned for the theatre." "She broke free from the family foes of the friendly, Finnish fishing village of Fromsk and went to finishing school." "Then, in her professional debut as a fashion model, she attracted the attention of talented casting director, Stig Sturmund Drang." "Sturmund Drang quickly saw her vast potential." "He rushed her to Hollywood and landed her a part in Matt Busby Barclay's hilarious extravaganza," "3,000 Girls Jump Into The Sea." "Even in this small, almost insignificant role," "Anna's magnetic, animal quality made an unforgettable impact." "Sturmund Drang persuaded her to change her name to Emma Bargo, which is Finnish for pine forest." "Emma Bargo was put under Contract by Louis B Maybe and startled the world in her first starring role." "(Knocking)" "Maria, you can't come in now!" "I can't tell you why, come back in fve minutes." "Cinema-goers were amazed by the aggression and unprecedented physicality of her lovemaking." "She became a star overnight, known to movie-going millions." "But her private life remained a mystery." "I was Bargo's publicist for many years." "I remember the first time she came to my office, she said," ""Mo, I want the whole world to know that I hate publicity." ""I hate it!" "I loathe it!" "I shun it!"" "Stormed out." "So, I rang up every newspaper I Know and gave them a message " ""Don't bug Bargo."" "That's the biggest story I ever handled." "But, like it or not, Bargo was a star." "And, like all of us stars, in a way, she belonged to her public." "Her name was linked romantically with many famous men." "No comment." "No comment." "No comment." "No comment." "But by some mysterious process," "Bargo's private life spilt over into her screen persona." "She gave so much of herself, radiating a strange, nervous, mystic intensity." "Half human, half angel." "One moment a mischievous child, the next, a thousand-year-old woman." "What actor could hold his own against this combination of magic and sensuality?" "Not even tempestuous Lionel Bartimore III." "In my haçienda, there are many vines." "Ripened by the hot, Grecian sun." "But that sun is but a flickering candle, compared to the white heat of my passion for you." "Kiss me." "Not yet." "For what..." "Is love?" "Love is a beast we feed all through the night and then... in the morning... is gone." "What are you doing?" "In my life, I have known many men." "Rich, talented, famous, brilliant, irresistible men." "But never, never in my whole life, have I found one like you!" "Small, stupid, ignorant, smelly... and bald... to boot." "Watch now, in this scene, how, despite the fiery skills of co-star, Charles Doyeur," "Bargo still manages to rivet our attention." "I've come to say goodbye, Josephine." "Must you go, Napoléon?" "Oui, Josephine." "I have to go to war and war is a man's business." "Can't I come with you, Napoléon?" "What would a tender, little girl like you do up at my front?" "Do not weep, Josephine." "There has never been a more complete professional." "1939 came the news that shattered the world." "Bargo retired." "Why did she retire?" "Why don't I retire?" "Only God, the ultimate showman, can answer that question." "Since then, she has lived the life of a recluse, in a 73-room apartment, of which 72 are empty, emerging occasionally to post a letter to one of her inner circle." "Or making the rare, unobtrusive shopping expedition." "I vant to be alone!" "Why can't you leave me alone?" "Please, leave me alone!" "Perhaps nobody will ever penetrate her inner mystery." "And indeed, should we ever try?" "For she will live forever in our hearts and on the silver screen." "That is her memorial." "(# Romantic music)" "(# Looney Tunes theme)" " All right, Pete, then, are you?" " Not too bad, you know." " Not too bad." "Cheers." " Cheers." " What've you been doing lately, then?" " Quiet, pretty quiet." " Not been up to much." " No." "Had a spot of the usual trouble the other day." "Oh, did you?" "What happened?" "Spot the usual trouble," "I come home about half past 11, we'd been having a couple of drinks, remember?" " That's right." " I come home about half past 11 and, you know, feeling a bit tired, so, you know, thought I'd go to bed," " take me clothes off and so on." " Yeah." "Right, yeah." "Don't you take your clothes off before you go to bed?" "Er, no, I made that mistake this time, I, er, got it the wrong way round." "Anyway, I got into bed, er, settled down." "I was just about, you know," " reading the Swiss Family Robinson." " Good, isn't it?" "It's a lovely book, Dud, it's a lovely book." "And I got up to about page 483, second paragraph..." " Yeah." " When suddenly, bring bring." " Bring bring." " What's that?" " That's a phone, going, "Bring bring."" " Oh...yeah." "So, I picked up the phone and you know who it was?" "Who?" "Bloody Betty Grable." "Calling transatlantic, bloody Betty Grable." "I said, "Look, Betty, what do you think you're doing," " "calling me up at half past 11 at night?"" " Yeah." "She said, "It's half past two in the afternoon over here."" "I said, "I don't care what bloody time it is, there's no need to wake me up."" "She said, "Peter, Peter, get on a plane." ""Come dance with me, be mine tonight."" "I thought it was the middle of the afternoon." "Yeah, what she probably meant was be mine tonight, tomorrow afternoon our time." "Yeah." "The problem is..." "No, didn't she mean tomorrow afternoon..." "Their time." "Anyway, "Be mine tonight", she said." "I said, "Look, Betty, we've had our laughs, we've had our fun" ""but it's all over."" " Yeah." "I said, "Stop pestering me, get back to Harry James and his trumpet."" ""Stop pestering me", I said." "I slammed the phone down and said, "Stop pestering me."" "Shouldn't you have said it before you slammed the phone down?" " I should've, yeah." "My mistake." " Yeah." "It's funny you should say that, 'cause a couple of nights. ago, you remember we had a couple of drinks?" "I remember that, yeah." " I come home, you know." " Yeah." "I was going to bed, felt a bit tired, was having a nightcap." "Yeah, course you were." "I was just dropping off nicely and I heard this hollering in the kitchen." " Hollering." " And screaming and banging on the door." " I thought I must've left the gas on." " Yeah." "So..." " I, er, I go down there." " Yeah." "I fling open the door, you'll never guess, there's bloody Anna Magnani up to her knees in rice, screaming at me." ""Laissez-moi entrate, amore me por favore."" " Italian?" " Italian, yeah." "Was covered in mud, she grabbed hold of me." "Pulled me all over the floor, she had one of them see-through blouses on." " All damp, showing everything?" " Yeah." "And she..." "We rolled all over the floor." "I picked her up, I said, "Get out of here!" ""Get out of here!" ""You Italian...thing." I said "Get out the door!"" " I said, er..." " "You Italian thing"." " Yeah, I said..." " A good thing to call 'em." "I said, "Don't you come here mess up my rice again, mate."" "I should hope not." "I had the same bloody trouble about two nights. ago." " Yeah." " I come in, about half past eleven at night." "We'd been having a... couple of drinks, I remember." "I come in, I get into bed, you see, feeling quite sleepy." "I can feel the lids of me eyes beginning to droop." " Yeah." " Bit droopy, the eyes." "I was just about to drop off, when suddenly, tap, tap, tap, at the bloody window pane." " I looked out, you know who it was?" " Who?" "Bloody Greta Garbo." "Bloody Greta Garbo." "Stark naked... save for a shorty nightie." "She was hanging on to the windowsill..." "And I could see..." "I could see..." "I could see her knuckles all white, she was hanging on so much." "Saying, "Peter, Peter," ""Fons noyn nenovoyn neso..."" " You know how these bloody Swedes go on." " Yeah." " I said, "Get out of it!"" " Yeah." "Bloody Greta Garbo." "She wouldn't go, she wouldn't go." " I had to smash her down with a broomstick." " Yeah." "And poke her off the windowsill and she fell down onto the pavement with a great crash." " She had a..." " She just a nightie on, is that all?" " That's all she had on, Dud, just a..." " She-through?" " A see-through shorty nightie." " Yeah..." "Diaphanous." " Nothing else." " Yeah." "Except for her dark glasses, of course." " Dreadful business." " It's funny you should say that, 'cause..." "Yeah." "Funny I should say that." "Yeah, four nights. ago, I come home." " We'd been having a couple of drinks." " Drinks, yeah." " I come home, I come through the door." " Yeah." " And, er... (Sniffs)" " Sniff." "(Sniffs) Sniff, sniff, I went, you know." ""Funny smell," I thought." ""Smells like wood burning."" " Probably burning wood, Dud." " What's that?" "Burning Wood?" "That's a perfume, worn by sensual, earthy women" "Oh." "Funny you should say that, 'cause I come in the bathroom." " Yeah." " It's a bit stronger here, you know." ""That's funny." And, er, come in the bedroom, you know." " "It's getting ridiculous, this smell, you know."" " Burning wood." " And, so I get into bed, you know." " Yeah." "Turn the covers back." "It's a bit warm in bed." "I thought, "That's funny, being warm like that"" " Being warm." " And I get into bed," "I put out the light and was just going off to kip." " Yeah." " And suddenly, I feel a hand on my cheek." "Which, er...which cheek was that, Dud?" "Come on, which cheek was it?" "And..." " It was the left upper." " Left upper." "I said..." "I thought, you know, "That's funny..."" "I turned on the light..." " Bloody hand here, scarlet fingernails." " Yeah, who was it?" " You'll never guess, bloody Jane Russell." " Jane Russell?" "Jane Russell in bed with me, stark naked." "I said, "Jane!"" " With the huge..." " With the things." "I said..." " "Jane", I said, "Get out of here."" " Get out." "I said, "You may be mean, moody and magnificent but as far as I'm concerned it's all over."" " Quite right." "I threw her..." "I took her out the bed, I threw her down the stairs," "I threw her bra and her gauze panties after, threw 'em down there." "And her green silk scarf, said, "Get out of here!"" " Kick her out..." " "Get out of here, you hussy!" I said." "I threw her light..." "Her tight..." "No, her...her... her fag holder, I threw it down the stairs after her..." "I threw a bucket of water over her, I said, "Get out of here, you hussy!"" "I said, "Don't come in my bed again, mate, it's disgusting."" " Yeah." " Terrible." "I was shocked to the quick." "Quite right, you've got to do something about these women who pester you..." " They go on and on." " Yeah." " Yeah." " What you doing tonight, then?" "Well, I thought we might go to the pictures." " Right." " Good idea?" "Yes." "# Now is the time to say goodbye" "# Goodbye" "# Now is the time to yield a sigh" "# Oh, yield it quick" "# And now is the time to wend away" "# Until we meet again" "# Some sunny day" "# Goodbye, goodbye" "# We're leaving you, sweetheart" "# Goodbye" "# We wish you a fond goodbye" "# Fa ta ta ta, fa ta ta ta" "# Goodbye, goodbye" "# We're leaving you, sweetheart" "# Goodbye" "# We wish you a fond goodbye da dom da da da" "# Da da, da da da... #" "We'd like thank the captain and ship's company of the Ark Royal for all their help and also all our guests on the program." "# Goodbye, goodbye" "# We're leaving you, sweetheart" "# Goodbye" "# We wish a fond goodbye #" "(Whooping)" "# Take me to see the world" "# Across the sea" "# We go and see #" "Yippee!" "(# Rule, Britannia!" ")"