"Everybody ready now?" "Let's have a nice big smile." "It's not every day you get married." "No. that's not me." "Do you think I'd marry a nebekh like Richard Levine?" "I'm the one on the Ieft disguised as a dessert." "It's my younger sister." "Sophie's wedding." "But for my parents." "Barbara and Irving... it's is less to do with the joining of man and woman in matrimony... and more to do with. well." "napkin rings." "My brother." "Toby. straight out of the Hampstead Garden Suburb." "And my best friend Debbie." "the groom's sister." "So I suppose we're family now." "Most people think she's a nightmare but I think she's funny." "Her dad." "Tony." "he's a small man." "But. the bouffant wig and Cuban heels... give him a bit of help in both directions." "Her mum's called Hope and to be honest... she could do with some." "This is my world." "A world where everyone can be defined... by which table they're on at a wedding." "The inner tables are for close family friends." "Honest and loyal." "Son of theirs. he's a good-for-nothing who thinks he's a shvartze." "This sauce doesn't taste kosher." "That's Leo. he's a devout hypocrite." "In MarbeIIa. where nobody's watching. he'II eat a whole pig." "suddenly here he's the big rabbi." "Out on the edges." "the 'C' list guests." "The people with non-Jewish partners: the 'married out' table." "This is what he bought me for Hanukah." "Chanukah. darling." "Say 'Chanukah'." "That's what I said. 'Hanukah'." "Which upsets the family nearly as much as turning religious." "The food at the wedding is kosher." "but not kosher enough for them." "Back in the thick of the action." "these are the young eIigibIes." "also known as the 'PIease-God-By- You' table." "AIthough. for Miriam Jacobs... it might take more than divine intervention." "And that's Anthony." "the caterer's son." "FabuIousIy wealthy and totally gorgeous." "A girl would have to be crazy not to fall for a guy like that." "well I suppose I better start at the beginning." "My sister had just announced her engagement... which meant I was going to be left on the shelf forever." "But. that Friday night." "things were looking up." "Wish me luck." "You won't need luck. babe." "You see. the slivers were coming for dinner... and rumour had it that Anthony was back in town." "Hola." "Marta." "Hola." "Suzie." "What are you doing?" "They're gonna be here in five minutes." "l'm here now." "What are you making?" "What am I making?" "Chopped liver. chicken soup. roast chicken and chocolate mousse." "And some fish balls." "The usual." "Fabulous." "Why did they complicate them?" "l don't know." "Why can't they just have a button that says 'Sky Sports'." "That's not Sky Sports." "That's Sky Sports." "You couldn't make me a sandwich." "could you?" "Will you turn that fahkafta noise down!" "Get on the floor With the nigga right chea!" "Sing it!" "Since he's been on" "Get on the floor With the nigga right chea!" "I keep you fellas and bitches Jumping from the minute I get on." "Taking their shirt off Showing tattoos. screaming and hollering and all Got the gift to come up with it" "Put it together." "feel in it..." "Get dressed. you idiot." "The guests are about to arrive." "Good evening." "Hello." "Marta." "Barbara. how are you?" "Hello. darling." "Ageing rapidly." "You look gorg. I love your dress." "This is so beautiful." "Do you like it?" "Be careful with these..." "expensive!" "You're looking well." "And the hair!" "Shall we go through?" "Course you know where to go." "Hello." "Harriet." "Go through." "girls are waiting for you." "Anthony's on his way!" "Anthony Silver?" "Yeah. I think so." "finally the Iong awaited return of the legendary Anthony silver." "He used to fancy me when I was eight years old... and I didn't even have tits then." "surely now." "I'd have him just where I wanted him." "He looks amazing. doesn't he?" "is he deaf?" "No. young people today. they've always got something in the ears." "ls he looking at me?" "No." "Well. if he looks at me. tell me." "okay?" "Sophie. like you. is very light whereas my Suzie... has to wear a tampon and a pad!" "He's looking at you." "Well. better to be safe than sorry." "Shall we go through to dinner?" "Hello." "Hello. how are you?" "Hello." "Harriet." "Hi. how are..." "Yeah. pretty good." "Really good." "l brought you a little something." "That's lovely." "Thank you." "It's good to see you." "Suzie." "You look great." "Something smells good." "Shall we eat?" "Sit. sit. sit." "Do you want a little help?" "No. I'm fine. honestly." "Can you take the lid off that one for me?" "Good girl." "So. what's she having done?" "Her eyes done definitely." "Fantastic deal." "You go to South Africa you get the safari free." "I had a good week. I got so much aggravation." "Remember that property in Notting Hill?" "Yo. bitch. pass the cholah." "What have I told you about that language?" "All right. chill it. ho." "Get out." "Get out. now!" "Get to your room. now!" "I have had it with you!" "Just get out of my sight. go on!" "You revolting. disgusting. filthy pig. animal. pig!" "When I came from Poland l learned in England to say Shabbat." "He gets this from this." "Ali boy." "Ali G. mum." "Jewish boy. from round the corner." "Their son's earning a fortune." "mine talking like a degenerate." "You know who else I read was Jewish?" "Gwyneth Paltrow." "She doesn't look very Jewish." "Jewish." "Who's she?" "She's a film star." "Paltrow's a Jewish name?" "Well. maybe it was Palwin." "Who knows with these actors?" "They make it up as they go along." "Doris Day." "You think she was born a Day?" "Charlton Heston's also a Jew." "Not Charlton Heston." "Kirk Douglas." "Exactly." "What Jewish mother's gonna call her boy Kirk?" "They're ashamed. these people." "He was probably born Kichel." "What about his son." "Michael?" "He marries a Welsh shiksa" "He's got a son called Dylan." "Dylan Thomas is Jewish?" "I read in the Jewish Chronicle that three out of four young people..." "marry out now." "Terrible. I blame the parents." "It's one thing marrying out. but it's the children I feel sorry for." "They don't know who they are or where they're going." "It never works." "There's no common ground." "Oil and water don't mix." "But what happens if you fall in love?" "When you fall out of love they're the first to call you 'Jew'." "Oh. I don't think every non Jew's anti-Semitic." "Egg and onion." "Babe. drink some wine." "And what makes you so clever?" "My family didn't go to the gas chambers... just so you could decide to throw away your heritage." "And what happens when everyone marries out?" "And then there's no Jews left." "And then Hitler's won." "Excuse me." "Are you happy now?" "What did I do?" "We just found out Danny's going with a non-Jewish girl." "And. it looks serious." "We don't know what to do." "Leo." "That's terrible." "Okay. that's enough." "What is all this talk?" "It's Friday night and we're all here." "That's what matters." "Anyway. who needs Catherine Zeta-Jones... when there's beautiful Jewish girls like this to choose from?" "Catherine Zeta-Jones I could make an exception for." "For a tuchus like that the Chief Rabbi could make an exception." "Anthony's perfect." "With Mr Perfect back on the scene... it seemed like the right time to begin my fabulous new career." "Suzie Gold." "Have a nice day." "Thank you." "Ajob in TVseemed like a good chance to express myself... and grow as a person." "Okay. we got the cancer couple at 7h45. the band at 7h50... into the news... what have we got for the eight-ten?" "Well. there was that earthquake in China last night." "China?" "Where the fuck is China?" "Does Betty from Norwich give a... flying fuck about Hong Kong Phooey from China?" "Sorry." "Ying." "I mean. really?" "!" "It's just I read on the wires there's eight thousand dead... and half a million homeless." "Don't give me the eight thousand dead shite!" "If one of them was Prince fucking Philip. then I'd be interested!" "Listen we'll do cancer at seven forty-five... and after the news we'll do the psychic who speaks to Elvis. okay?" "Who are you anyway?" "I'm the new... runner." "Go and do some fucking running and get me a coffee or something!" "is that for the boss?" "No milk... he'll go mental if it's got milk in it." "Thanks." "You're not gonna believe this." "They're making me do it in pink!" "We specifically said that Breakfast TV would be in leather ... and the kids' show would be in pink. right?" "Excuse me. what's this?" "I asked for black decaf with no sugar." "You said with milk." "Do you know who I am?" "No." "When I need cheering up." "I visit nana." "She's not an easy person to leave." "even if you're just the gas man." "And she's got some strange habits." "Like talking to her husband who died a few years ago." "She also keeps her money in her underpants." "At least it keeps the muggers away." "You've hardly had anything." "A big boy like you." "I can wrap it in a little foil for you." "That's really sweet of you. but... I've got to get back to work." "madam." "Sadie." "let the boy go." "His family will have sent out a search party." "He's been here since Tuesday!" "You keep out. mind your business." "Oh. no. madam. no. no." "Here's a little something for your trouble." "Hi. nana." "Bubbela!" "Do you think Nick would have made a good husband for me?" "Nick?" "Stanley's boy Nick?" "How old is he?" "He's hardly been wiping his own tuchus and she's talking marriage!" "He's twenty-five!" "And his business?" "He couldn't provide for a cockroach never mind for my princess." "Drink your soup." "it's getting cold." "His father's got a dry cleaning business and drives a Jaguar" "So marry his father." "He knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing." "Do you want a kneidl?" "l'm fine. nana." "What about Anthony?" "You've got to admit he's a good catch." "I can't see any reason not to marry him." "You need a reason to get married." "not a reason not to." "What about your ambitions?" "You've got a degree." "Why don't you do something with it?" "A degree in Art History is not a career." "A degree's a degree!" "When I was your age... a woman had a degree in gornicht." "Now. life is... full of opportunities." "Don't throw them away." "More soup?" "No. thanks." "But Sophie never worked." "She just wanted a husband." "Bubbela. a husband is work." "Sophie will find that out soon enough." "But you've plenty of time." "You'll be fine." "Here. have a piece of cake." "Thanks. nana." "It's all right. darling." "Just... wear some more clothes next time." "If you show the merchandise before the price is agreed... you'll never make a deal." "Okay. so I wasn't going to rush into marriage but when I finally got the call from Anthony silver." "I mean. he was every Jewish girl's dream." "So I needed a new outfit." "Loving the outfit." "Debbie... it's what's inside that counts." "See?" "Nice." "And a quick visit to the only men in the world... who really know how to satisfy women." "Howard and ashley Marks." "A father and son team. both straight." "For God's sake." "Ashley. get rid of that frizz!" "would have made great gays." "And after a hard week's work..." "I was desperate for a blow dry." "Which was maybe kind of wasted." "When I found out Anthony was taking me to..." "'Jews on Ice'." "So. we're thinking about a dill sauce for the salmon... maybe with a gooseberry coulis for the dessert." "I think that sounds fine." "You don't think it's too heavy?" "Well. that's for Sophie to decide." "What. you don't care what you eat at your sister's wedding?" "It's still a few months away." "I mean... I care. I care that my sister's happy." "That's why it's crucial that these 2 sauces complement each other." "You know the Bergmans?" "No. you don't." "I went to their wedding." "they got some amateurs in." "Did this horrible honey and mustard thing with the salmon." "And this heavy chocolate thing to follow." "Yeah. that's Miriam." "Anyway. everyone was sick before the dancing even started." "Hold on." "Hello." "Anthony Silver." "Silver and Sons Silver Service." "Yeah. you?" "And to what do I owe this pleasure?" "Well?" "Well what?" "Well. how was it?" "It was okay." "Well at least show a bit of enthusiasm." "You're never gonna get him to like that. look at you." "You look like you've sat on something sharp." "You know. a little smile wouldn't kill you." "Mum. leave me alone." "And maybe a haircut." "I think you need a haircut." "Something to make you look a bit thinner." "So Ben's saying to me 'let's give it some time.'" "First of all. what time?" "I'm now twenty-three." "Time is running out." "My tits will be on the floor. out of the window down on the Street..." "into the bagel shop." "What are you in such a rush for?" "Very easy for you. with a ring on your finger." "My point being is that I am a Leo and he is a shitty little Pisces." "l'm a Pisces." "l'm a Pisces!" "I bought all these bagels from Carmeli's and nobody's eating." "l'm having a Pride and Prejudice." "Period drama." "So where were you last night?" "It was hilarious." "You should have seen what Lisa Marks turned up in." "She looked like a fucking sofa." "Yeah. well. let's face it... that is the only way she's gonna get a man to lie on her." "My God." "Sarah Rosen. she came in with some total freak... who brought her on a motorbike!" "Oh my God. did you see what the helmet did to her hair?" "I don't think he was Jewish." "I wish she would go out with someone who isn't Jewish." "She did do an art foundation course." "So... what happened to you?" "Nothing happened to me. I was out." "Who with?" "Anthony Silver." "No?" "!" "Now he has got a car." "And a proper job." "And will she talk about it?" "Just like my therapist." "You're doing a great in listening." "Now for some talking." "Bring it on." "Well. what do you wanna know?" "I mean. it's no big deal." "We went out. we ate." "we came home." "Anthony Silver is so gorgeous." "lt's what's inside that counts." "Right. like his colon is more important than his car." "If this is a proposal. I'm listening." "Otherwise. fuck off. I'm with girls." "Fuck off." "l can't believe you did that." "He calls the whole time... yet 'he needs his space'." "It's very embarrassing." "I think something..." "Something wasn't right." "I mean. your family are supposed to drive you insane... but that day I felt it from my best friends." "Was everyone I knew a lunatic?" "I mean. my best friend was about to slit her wrists... because some boring fat-arsed lawyer wouldn't marry her." "And Joanna hadn't eaten a meal for eighteen months... because some boring fat-arsed lawyer did marry her." "And when the only person left to relate to looked like this... something had to give." "Now I know a dog is man's best friend... but you wouldn't think of taking him to the pub for a chat." "unless he's your next guest." "sally." "Looks like he likes you." "Could you tell him he's not really my type." "Cats or dogs?" "That's a phone-in we should probably consider." "Maybe next week." "Say." "Tuesday." "Thank you." "fluffy friends or yappy friends?" "But here he is the biggest canine football fan in Britain... it's..." "Giggsy." "please don't let him touch me." "Thank you." "Philip." "you're so funny." "Last week's earthquake in China... that's a big country a long." "long way from here... killed over eight thousand people." "Never mind. because joining me now from her sell-out tour... is Suzie Gold!" "Don't stop moving Can you feel the music" "Everybody you are so gre..." "Hi. I was... just...tidying up." "That's one unique way of tidying up." "Sorry. there's something I've been wanting to do all morning." "What is that?" "That dog..." "Oh. my God. that's so sick." "Thanks." "So. how has your first week gone?" "Yeah. great. I've learnt loads." "Yeah... like what Prince Harry has for breakfast." "Amongst other things." "Gotta love the show. eh?" "Completely." "Crap stories. crap guests." "Still. some of the staff are quite nice." "Nice?" "Yeah. nice." "When I get out of here. you know." "I'm gonna make some proper TV." "l don't know what I'm gonna do." "l reckon.... you got a future in singing." "Thanks." "So. we should go and get a coffee then." "We could work on your routine." "Let's just say if you don't... I got a tape of a little performance that could find its way on to show." "Isn't that bribery?" "No. it's blackmail." "See you downstairs in ten. yeah?" "What's your name?" "l'm Darren." "l'm Suzie." "Yeah. I know." "'Suzie Gold." "straight from her world tour.'" "Sure you're okay?" "Yeah. fine. I love the rain." "Okay. I've got one for you." "Rachel." "Monica or Phoebe?" "From 'Friends'. yeah?" "Yeah." "Kill Monica. shag Phoebe... and marry Rachel." "You'd marry the spoilt Jewish princess?" "Yeah. because then I could shag her every day." "You must know that Jewish girls don't believe in sex after marriage?" "Thanks." "You're welcome." "I guess I'll see you at work tomorrow." "Here. are you gonna join that golf club in Totteridge?" "I don't know." "This whole golf thing sounds like one big schlep." "lt's relaxing." "Who needs to relax?" "I've got enough problems without being relaxed." "Exercise is good for you." "Exercise is not good for you." "No-one ever had a heart attack reading a book." "Anyway. aren't you too short for golf?" "Don't start that again." "What?" "I just wondered if you needed special clubs or something." "Can't I have a shvitz in peace in my own sauna?" "Since uncle Leo and uncle Tony were small... their friendship has been based mainly on competition." "Don't." "Whatever uncle Leo had uncle Tony had to have too." "It was just lucky that Leo's wife was so amenable." "I'm a dirty bitch." "I'm a dirty bitch." "Suzie. this is Darren." "the head researcher." "I want you to work with him for a couple of hours." "Hi. I'm the runner." "Hi. I'm the head researcher." "Yeah." "Eddie just told me." "Oh. yeah. sorry." "What's the matter with you retards?" "It's not an early learning centre." "Go and do some fucking work." "I had a really nice time yesterday." "Nice?" "Yeah." "You know. nice." "It's just that... well. something wasn't quite right." "That's cool." "You don't have to explain." "You know. we work together..." "No." "No. no." "Hang on a minute." "It's just that... when we said goodbye... I did this." "And what I really wanted to do was... this." "That... was nice." "The next few months were a dream." "It was like I had another world... to escape to." "Away from..." "Who calls during breakfast?" "Away from..." "lt's all about lip gloss." "Away from..." "Turn that rubbish down." "I've got a chicken in the oven!" "And especially away from..." "You could do a lot worse than Anthony Silver. let me tell you." "It even made photocopying fun." "And the fact that it was a secret... made it all the more fabulous." "But while my world was being blown apart..." "life at the gold household carried on regardless." "Do you want a blow back?" "Fuck off. I ain't no poof." "He never tidies his room!" "Oh. here we go." "It's gonna be Yom Tov soon and his room looks like Hiroshima!" "I'm not asking you again." "I've told you... anything on the floor goes!" "Right. you want untidy." "I'll give you untidy." "You think this belongs on the floor?" "!" "Wrong. it's going in the garden." "Bloody crazy woman." "If this is the only way I can see the floor in my spoilt son's room..." "Mum. listen a sec. yeah?" "My spoilt son doesn't need this crap." "Fine." "Out with the crap!" "Not the music." "Will you calm down." "Calm down?" "He's asking me to calm down." "Fine." "This child of mine who is sending me to a home... is asking me to calm down." "Right!" "Now I'm calm." "You. homeboy." "You see this?" "This is calm." "Now I'm so calm I'm on a sun lounger in Marbella..." "Don't throw the mixer out and I'll come up right now to tidy my room." "Right now?" "Right this second?" "Right this second." "Hi." "Stephanie... kids. eh!" "You are slowly drifting down the river... that is you." "Your body is totally relaxed... as your thoughts slip away." "And... you look around... and see that you have come to rest... on a tranquil. empty beach." "You are totally alone." "Your mind is as empty as the sky above." "You have let go of your past... your present..." "and your future." "The daily stresses... and strains of your life have fallen away like outer layers." "You are naked... open...and totally relaxed." "Right. quick frappucino's anyone?" "Not for me. I've gotta go." "See you later." "What's up with her. please?" "Who knows with that girl." "Don't think you're gonna get away with that without being spotted." "I want a full explanation on my desk first thing in the morning." "Thank you." "Bye-bye." "l don't know how you can do it." "lt's really not that different." "lt's got its pluses as well." "Such as?" "Well. it's full of surprises." "It's not like with a Jewish boy:" "you don't just get what you see." "There's an extra layer." "like a mystery you uncover." "Isn't there like loads of cheese underneath?" "No. he's very clean." "I want to pause for one second." "Where is this going with this guy?" "What happens if it gets serious?" "Your parents will go mental." "My parents are not gonna find out." "and you're not gonna tell anyone." "I've got enough on my plate without the whole family finding out." "Okay. but when the foreskin fetish has worn off... and you're sitting in your Wallis cardigan in your council flat... with your six snotty nosed kids... waiting for some goyishe fella to come from the pub and beat you up." "I'll try very hard not to say 'l told you so'." "Will you visit me?" "Of course not." "Well. a friend in need is one thing... a friend in Battersea is something else." "I knew I could rely on you." "So lan's the younger one?" "lan's the older one with the baby." "Chris is the little shrimp." "No big deal." "If you were meeting my parents we'd have been rehearsing for weeks." "When am I gonna meet them?" "Hello?" "Hello. mum." "...So I pulled the dog off and there she was." "Then I noticed that the dog had... calmed down. and we could get on with the show." "That old 'humping dog' routine." "lt gets them every time." "lt worked for you. bruv." "I've got no meat in my curry." "It's because there's no meat in the curry." "lt's called vegetarian food." "lt's Sunday!" "Well. I didn't know if Suzie practised kosher or not." "That's really thoughtful. thanks." "Have you got brothers or sisters?" "One of each." "My younger sister's about to get married." "And my younger brother's about to find out he's not Black." "Will that come as a shock to him?" "Yeah. big shock." "How does it feel having your younger sister get married?" "Oh. you know well..." "maybe you don't." "It all seems a bit more relaxed round here than at mine." "Yeah. that's why I hang out here." "You should see my family." "I don't know what you mean." "Well. you don't give your kids grief like my dad. do you?" "Yeah. you don't seem to meddle as much as my parents." "I just think if you hold on to the ropes too hard in life... you just end up burning your hands." "Sometimes you've just got to go where the wind takes you." "If there was any chance my parents were into sailing... they'd definitely be the 'holding-on-to-the-ropes' type." "Even if it meant going straight into the wind." "You seem pretty together though." "That's all a show to lure young men into my trap." "Here you are." "This was amazing... this family actually communicated with each other." "Like one person talked and the other people listened." "And no-one over-reacted." "But maybe the best thing was just being a stranger." "And no assumptions were made about me because of what my father did... or what my mother said in the hairdresser's last week." "You're the Gold girl lovely." "like your mother." "I hope you're looking after my Darren." "Are you all right?" "Yeah. I'm fine." "Yeah. she is cool. I'd like to see more of her." "Thanks. babe." "Did you never try to find your dad?" "No. maybe one day." "Who knows?" "At the moment I'm happy." "Just doesn't seem important." "If it was me. I think I'd have to know." "I'm having enough problems working out who I am... and that's with parents who don't stop reminding me." "Suz... I think you need to stop listening to your parents so much." "You're twenty-three." "No-one can tell you who you are any more." "When are you gonna take me to bed?" "After Newsnight." "What?" "!" "Not funny!" "Okay. now right now." "This is Michael's eldest daughter Simone." "They've got three children." "two boys..." "Eighteen great-grandchildren she's got. I'm green with envy." "You'll have great-grandchildren one day." "Pearl." "From your mouth to God's ears." "Can't you get rid of these women?" "If I hear about another grandchild I will be sick." "l know. I know." "Eighty-two she is." "Eighty-two and look at her." "Wonderful." "Wonderful?" "This is wonderful?" "!" "I'd hate to see what 'not so good' looks like." "Anyway. we. we gotta go." "Sadie." "it's getting dark out there." "Thank God for that." "I was losing the will to be dead." "Quiet." "Enough already." "Julius." "That'll be my Suzie." "She always comes to see me on a shabbat." "Shabbas!" "Thanks for popping in." "Come back when you've got more grand-children." "Suzie. bubbela." "Come up." "That was nice of Pearl and Fay to pop round." "Old women." "What do I need with old women?" "So how are you. darling?" "What have you been doing?" "Oh. you know. seeing the girls." "work... not much. nana." "Not much. eh?" "Not much." "Why are you looking so pleased with yourself these days?" "What do you mean?" "Suzie look at this face... this is your nana." "For weeks you've been coming here like a bar mitzvah boy's mother." "You've got so much happiness." "Can't you share it a little?" "Okay. so you don't want to tell me. that's fine." "I've only known you all your life." "Listened to your sorros. made you chicken soup." "What do I know anyway?" "I'm only an old woman who'll be dead soon." "It's your turn." "What do you wanna know. nana?" "Let's start with his name." "His name's..." "Darren." "Darren!" "Darren who?" "He's not Jewish." "You don't say." "Go on. tattoos?" "A motorbike maybe?" "Actually. there is a motorbike... no tattoos." "Oh. apart from a very small one... I don't want to hear about the tattoos." "Do you love him?" "I like him." "A lot I mean... he's different." "And when I'm with him I'm different as well." "Do you wanna be different?" "Why. bubbela?" "You're gorgeous." "It's complicated." "Life is complicated." "When you put on a red dress... you feel like a different girl... than when you put on navy trousers." "The important thing is how you feel with no clothes on." "It's your turn." "Kaluke." "You know what they say:" "lucky in cards. unlucky in love." "Count them up." "So suddenly life's a wardrobe." "I can relate to that." "Some things don't go with other things." "If Darren's the red dress and my parents are the navy trousers... they definitely don't look good together." "When I'm with Darren. do I always have to wear the red dress?" "What if he saw me in the blue trousers?" "would he still like me?" "And does he really know who I am with no clothes on?" "Do I know who I am with no clothes on?" "Nana!" "Suzie we're late." "We're gonna miss the sermon." "We always miss the sermon!" "What are you doing up there?" "Deciding who I want to be." "And you." "Toby?" "Ready?" "l'm not going to shul." "You are going." "I'm not going." "I don't even believe in God." "What's God got to do with it?" "ls David Cohen going to shul?" "Maybe." "Fine. then you're going." "But the Levinson boys aren't going." "I don't care about other people's children." "My son is going to shul!" "Now stop being clever and... get dressed before I come up and dress you myself!" "You send me to private school... but you tell me not to be clever." "Three nights this week you've spent at Debbie's." "What you have to talk about so much I'll never know." "It's good for me to get out of the house." "What's wrong with our house?" "It's not good enough for you?" "It drives me mad." "You're driving me mad with all this coming and going." "And will you stop with that drumming!" "He's always drumming. that boy." "It's like a nervous tic." "'Nervous tic'. it's a disposition!" "A nervous tic is not a disposition?" "Tell Ringo to give it a rest." "will you?" "He's going to drum a hole right through the headrest." "Most Jews I know go to synagogue twice a year." "It's like being a Madonna fan... but only having The immaculate collection." "These two days are basically about... repenting for your sins over the past year." "Repenting for not going to synagogue all year and... repenting for driving to synagogue when you do." "Duck. it's the Frohweins!" "Oh. great. great... are you happy now?" "Repenting for having a non Jewish boyfriend." "And. repenting for coveting your neighbour's ox." "We're also not allowed to write." "or touch money on New Year." "Which is why our version of the collection box... involves sticking a plastic tag in a hole on the card." "Or someone else's card." "See. sermon." "So?" "Men and women sit separately in shul." "This is because during the service... it's important not to be distracted in any way by the opposite sex." "He loves me." "He gave me a rash." "No. he doesn't." "You should see his cock..." "Married women are required to cover their heads." "It's like Jewish Ascot." "If you want everyone to know you're married. you wear a massive hat." "And if things aren't going too weII. you play it down." "But if you're not married. there's no hiding your hatIessness." "My Anthony's not heard back from your Suzie." "What's wrong with her?" "I thought they were meant for each other?" "I don't know. she's not been herself recently." "She's become... rebellious or something." "Suddenly questioning everything." "I've seen it all before. I don't know how to say this. Irv... but maybe she's a gay like a lesbian or something." "She's not a gay. I'd have known by now." "I do hope you're gonna do some extra repenting... for your non-kosher diet at the moment." "Maybe. what. two days fasting at Yom Kippur?" "And no cheese for a week." "It's a goy." "You're joking?" "lt is!" "Ah. cute." "l think we're okay." "Yes. check this out." "I quite fancy you here. actually." "Please don't. you're scaring me." "Do you want something to eat?" "Whoa. that's not a fridge." "that's an ecosystem." "Here try this." "What are they?" "Fish." "You just put horseradish sauce on a Danish pastry." "No. we haven't got time." "We've just had a sauna..." "so. been in the sauna." "Did you sort out the leak because I couldn't..." "Very good of you to come on a Sunday." "Thank you." "No. mum." "This is Darren." "A friend from work." "He's just dropping me home." "Shame." "Do you know anything about plumbing?" "No. mum." "Anyway. he was just leaving." "Anthony called again. you should call him back. he's a lovely boy." "Come on." "Barbara. we should get changed." "We'll be late for the Frohweins." "We. you know. need a shower from the sauna." "Okay. so enjoy and nice to meet you." "Gordon." "Goodbye." "Well... that went quite well." "Gordon?" "So the engagement party is next week. yeah?" "Yeah." "And. I suppose. I'll be a 'friend from work' again?" "I don't know. I don't think you'd like it." "It could be a bit of a nightmare for you." "Maybe you should go with this Anthony." "It sounds like that's what everyone wants." "Sam Silver reckons Suzie's a lesbian." "Our Suzie?" "Don't be ridiculous." "Just because... she doesn't wanna go out with his gay son." "The man's a cook." "He should know about gay." "Yeah. you're right." "She's just busy with her work right now." "She hasn't got time to waste... on a guy whose eyes are too close together." "She works long hours. starts early." "It takes up a lot of her time." "What with work and friends." "she's a busy girl." "So. we hardly see her." "She seems happy." "She's a good girl." "Yeah...she's a good girl." "Nothing to worry about." "l know." "Nothing to worry about." "What?" "It doesn't matter." "It's just. you know. when you look at me like that. everything... everything seems to make sense." "There's an exhibition on at the V and A on Saturday." "Do you want to come with me?" "I got tickets for the Chelsea game." "babe." "But. I could always sell them to a mate." "You'd do that for me?" "I love you." "Suzie Gold." "I love you too..." "Gordon." "I'm sorry about the engagement party." "Ah. it's okay." "Next time. eh?" "Sure." "How's the pressure." "Leo?" "Yeah. it's fine. it's fine." "You all right." "Leo?" "It's my wife." "She wants to know if I'm hard." "You're a lucky man." "Would be if it was my phone." "I tell you what. those herrings are playing murder with my kishkes." "Phone for you." "Oh. thanks." "It's Joy." "She wants to know if you're hard." "Wait a minute. don't start." "There's nothing going on. man." "I wouldn't do that to you. you're my pal." "There's nothing going..." "Get back!" "What are you looking at?" "No. wait a minute. wait a minute." "I said no leaves." "Look. the pool's full of leaves!" "What?" "Hungry?" "Yeah." "Yeah. whatever." "'Yeah." "Yeah. whatever.'" "Are you all right?" "Darren... what's going on?" "Shag. marry or kill." "Me...a nice Jewish boy. or... well. someone you really want to kill." "Listen. babe... we've been seeing each other for ages now." "I haven't met your friends." "Your parents think I'm their plumber." "I mean. if you can't accept me as part of your life. then... then what are we doing here?" "Look." "Suze. let's get real for a minute here." "I'm not Jewish and you... you're gonna marry the nice Jewish guy." "What's this marriage thing all of a sudden?" "I dunno. lt's not even as if I want to get married." "Not yet. anyway." "It would just be nice to know I was in with a chance. that's all." "I don't know." "l love you." "Darren." "l love you too." "Suze." "But it's not that simple. is it?" "No." "Well. when you've worked it out let me know. yeah." "Because until then I can't do this any more." "Darling..." "Not now. mum." "What is it?" "lt's nana." "What?" "In accordance with Jewish law." "nana was buried the next day." "My father. being next of kin... went through a series of rituals that for the 1st time in my Iife... felt like they meant something." "He ripped his clothing and stopped shaving for a month." "We covered the mirrors in our house." "And there was to be no music for awhile." "My father had to sit on a Iow chair... for seven days." "A period called 'sitting shiva'." "In that time. he was not to leave the house." "Mourning is often seen as a time of quiet contemplation." "Not if you're Jewish." "Friends and family came every night that week for prayers... to bring home-made food so that no-one in the family had to cook." "As it turned out. we didn't have to cook for a month." "Sadie was a woman who didn't miss a thing." "In fact. she'd be upset she couldn't be here today." "She always loved a good shiva." "But. as the midrash says... even an angel cannot be in two places at once." "She once told me. she so wished... that she could see her family that never made it out of Poland." "Well." "Sadie... now you can." "l hate this." "Yeah. it's very hard." "But death is just part of the whole cycle of life." "Not the death. the queueing." "We've all got to be very strong." "Sorry." "I wish you long life." "Thank you for coming." "l wish you a long life." "See the lips?" "Thin." "I wish you long life." "Thank you." "Pearl." "Suzie. I'm so sorry." "How are you bearing up?" "l'm okay... thanks for coming." "It's good to see you." "It's good to see you too and I brought you a little something." "Thanks. that's really sweet." "Look. if you need anything..." "Thank you." "We've always got a full fridge." "you just need to call." "You'll probably need to get out of here once the week is up." "Why don't we have dinner Monday night?" "Sure. I'd like that." "Just call me." "Well. it's not been such a bad day." "You're a very bad person." "But you love me anyway." "Since I was a little baby." "she looked after me." "Course she did. dad. she was your mother." "She looked after all of us." "She never left us alone more like." "She was a good woman." "The minute I met you I knew you were from a good home." "You should have heard what she said about you." "What?" "What did she say about me?" "When she first met you?" "What did she say when she first met me?" "Nah. it's not for now." "I'll tell you another time." "Other time?" "You're gonna wait till I'm dead before you tell me?" "It's gonna kill me not knowing." "She wasn't crazy about you at the beginning." "What did she say?" "She said she thought you'd have a beard when you were older." "She said our marriage wouldn't last more than six months... and that you weren't fit to clean my toilet." "She said you dress like an old woman." "Every Friday she would throw your chopped liver in the bin." "And something about the house not ever being clean." "If you spent as much time in the house as at the hairdressers... maybe it wouldn't be so filthy." "She said that to you?" "Well. not so much in the last few years." "She wasn't one for holding back." "You know what she said last week?" "Am I gonna like this?" "She said I married a jewel." "It's like she knew something." "I don't know where." "she took me aside... and she told me how proud she was of me." "And that my wife and family would always be there for me." "How important that was to her." "And that I married a jewel." "Does anyone want another cup of tea?" "is there anything to eat round here?" "It's lucky it's a shiva house with him around." "Darren?" "Sorry. I thought that..." "Suzie. have you met the new head researcher?" "What happened to..." "what's-his-name?" "Oh. you mean Darren?" "The guy you were shagging... while you were supposed to be working." "He left last week while you were away." "You'll be helping Phil this morning." "Hi!" "I hope you show him the same support." "Going out with Anthony was like coming home." "So he was a bit conventional." "but... who needs to ride rollercoasters in relationships?" "He always liked to eat in the same restaurant." "And then. we got the Board of Deputy's Hanukkah contract." "He said he liked to know what he was getting when he ordered." "It is a shame. she's not Jewish." "doesn't even want to convert." "I feel sorry for the guy." "And he would always run into the right kind of people." "Paul." "Very good to see you." "Look at you." "Stacey. glowing as usual." "This is my girlfriend." "Suzie." "Paul. we're going to miss our table." "The man's a cock." "And with the wedding just around the corner..." "Here's the happy couple." "he made life easier at home." "With Barbara and Irv." "I was like the prodigal daughter... who had returned home from my time in the wilderness." "They're not thin. they're just well defined." "Who wants lips all over the place?" "Fat lips just means you exaggerate." "You've got fat lips." "Yes." "I definitely knew where I was with Anthony." "There was something 'famiIiar' about him." "He's the kind of guy..." "I couId grow to love." "I guess this was life...this was real." "It wasn't a fantasy." "And one thing about Anthony." "he always tried hard." "And even the girls approved of him." "Which reminds me... I forgot to call Debbie back." "You what?" "She's having a really hard time with Ben." "Does that mean you're finished down here?" "Oh. yeah. thanks." "I'm really looking forward to tomorrow." "Me too." "I think I'm a bit nervous for Sophie." "Maybe I'm more nervous for me having to wear that dress." "What. are you crazy?" "You look beautiful in that dress." "You would say that. you're a caterer." "Pavlova turns you on." "Weddings are beautiful things." "aren't they?" "I mean. it's like a merger." "isn't it?" "Two little companies... can't achieve much." "But one big one could be a monopoly." "Never really thought of it like that." "It's not even furry. there's nothing cute about salmon!" "Look. will you just tell him that he's having the salmon." "Like I've got nothing better to worry about... on the day of my Sophie's wedding than your son's stomach!" "There's no other problems." "everything's going like clockwork." "I'm gonna plan for the last 6 months so that there can be problems?" "Not gonna be any problems." "Okay. hold on a minute." "I knew it. there's problems." "Right." "Can you just get off me." "Can you just stop touching me!" "Sshh that noise!" "I'll call you back." "Shirley." "Sam I can't hear problems right now. okay?" "I can only hear that everything's fine." "I can't hear that." "Sam!" "Sam. I can't hear you." "You're not even talking." "Sam." "Yeah. I've got to go." "My wife's a lunatic." "No. no. no. no. no. no. no. no!" "Sam. it's Irving." "Speak to me." "No. my wife's gone. I don't know." "hopefully to a hospital." "Where are they now?" "Well. who inflates balloons before they move them?" "I'm killing myself!" "So get a bigger van." "Well. I don't know." "From a van place." "What am I." "Hertz?" ""No balloons" is not an option." "I have a wife on the edge." "No balloons and she jumps." "This is your fault." "I'm jumping off the balcony." "Watch me jump off the balcony." "Hang on a second." "Sam." "What?" "You were on balloons." "You're balloon man!" "I don't know why I'm up here." "It's you that should be jumping!" "I know. we're leaving." "My Sophie. my Sophele." "You look so..." "And my little Suzie." "won't be long." "I'm so proud of you both." "To have daughters that make you so proud." "A man couldn't ask for children as wonderful as you three." "Where's Toby?" "Toby?" "What?" "Come down here." "l'm in the bath." "The bath!" "Someone's in the bath?" "!" "No-one's in the bath." "Stay here and look at your beautiful daughters." "Look at you." "And look at you." "Ah. you're both perfect." "Perfect." "Toby you are my son." "My only son." "Before you were born. I had two beautiful daughters." "Who could have asked for more blessings?" "But the Lord. in His ultimate wisdom... chose to shower upon this unworthy man one more gift." "So how you turned into such a shmock... I'll never know!" "The cars have been waiting outside for ten minutes!" "We're due in synagogue in half an hour!" "Everyone is ready." "the whole family!" "But. no. the bride has to wait for her idiot of a brother." "Mister I'm too good to get dress to my own sisters wedding." "Mum. I'll sort the balloons out and I'll meet you at the synagogue." "No. just sort out the balloons and meet us at the synagogue." "Get in the car. dear... and we'll be on our way." "Back!" "Patent leather shoes!" "Hi." "Darren." "How are you?" "l'm... what do you look like?" "lt's a long story." "l've got time." "l don't. but. walk with me?" "I'm a bit underdressed." "Want some balloons?" "l'm okay for balloons. thanks." "So how's the new job going?" "Yeah. yeah. good." "You left without saying goodbye." "Yeah sorry." "I've missed you at work." "I do a lot less photocopying these days." "So. you decided to run away and join the circus." "I tried." "Didn't get in." "Only the freak show would have me." "Seriously. why are you dressed like a box of Quality Street?" "My sister's wedding." "Today." "A fuck up with the balloons." "Definitely." "So how are you?" "Yeah perfect." "Perfect." "You know my job's perfect." "I have a perfect boyfriend... and I'm going to my sister's perfect wedding where... a thousand old people... who haven't seen me since I was this high... will come up to me and soak my face with saliva... saying: 'Please God by You'." "It means:" "'may God also make you marry a nice Jewish boy and not become... an old maid'." "Who's the boyfriend?" "Anthony Silver." "He's. you know perfect." "My parents love him." "And you?" "What do you think of him?" "He's safe." "He's reliable he's solid." "Sounds like a Volvo." "I don't know... he's exactly the sort of boy I imagined I'd end up with... when I was twelve." "We'd fall in love and have a perfect wedding... perfect children and live happily ever after." "Suze. you're a great girl." "You're funny and intelligent and beautiful." "And you've got your feet on the ground and that's a good thing... but maybe sometimes you just forget how to fly." "It's not easy with five people standing on your wings." "There's no excuses. they don't have to be Suzie Gold." "Only you have to be Suzie Gold." "Stop thinking so much and follow your heart a bit." "How can I hear my heart with all the noise my head makes?" "Babe. sometimes you've just gotta jump." "Your heart will be beating so fast." "you won't be able to ignore it." "It was really nice to see you again." "Nice?" "Nice." "Listen." "Suze you've got my number." "Maybe give me a call sometime?" "I don't know." "You know the..." "Volvo." "Did you sort out the balloons?" "Mum. fuck the balloons." "Sophie." "Richard... today you're embarking on the most wonderful journey together." "Weddings always make me cry... but normally because I think it'II never be me." "But this wedding was different." "As I watched my little sister get married." "I felt nothing but joy." "She looked so beautiful so complete." "AII her dreams had led her to that moment... and for once." "I wasn't thinking about me... and my hopes and confusions and judgements." "I was just happy for her." "Mazel Tov!" "And that night I felt part... of something much bigger than myself." "I suppose it was a sense of belonging." "A sense of something that stretched before me for generations." "Something I couId never walk away from." "Toby what are you doing?" "What is it with you?" "Will you leave me alone now." "Just dance and smile." "Have you farted. dad?" "I love having a deaf father." "Mr Gold can I have a word?" "Sure." "Anthony... but call me Irving." "There's something very important I'd like to ask you..." "Irving." "Does it have to be now?" "But we're at my daughter's wedding." "And thanks to your father. it's costing about 800 pounds a minute." "Yeah it's just. I was wondering... how would you like another wedding?" "What are you talking about?" "Well." "Suzie and l. we think it's about time we got engaged." "I think that's great." "Anthony." "As long as you look after her." "So I've got your permission?" "Will I get a discount?" "I'm sure something can be arranged." "You little bastard." "Still with the 'little.' eh?" "Why can't I just be a 'bastard'?" "You had to have everything." "didn't you?" "'Tiny Levine'." "Couldn't keep your grubby little hands off my toys." "Now you can't keep them off my wife!" "There you go again." "'Tiny Levine'!" "It's always been the same. hasn't it?" "Ever since we were kids." "'Here comes little Levine.' 'There's Tiny Tony.'" "'Don't play with Titch. the ball will go over his head!" "'" "Well. you had to stand on a chair to reach puberty." "You've always hated my guts!" "You always hated mine!" "Then how come we're best friends?" "Because no-one else would have us." "Look. the thing with me and Joy it was nothing really." "The sex weren't even that good." "Maybe if you were a bit bigger..." "Ladies and gentlemen. can I have your attention for a moment." "Simon Cohen. you break that jug and you pay for it." "The last thing I wanna do is overshlog..." "Sophie and Richard at their own wedding." "But with all the love in the air." "there's something I'd like to share with all of you." "As some of you may know." "for the past six months... a very special girl... has made me a very happy man." "Oh-my-God." "I'm very happy." "But there comes a point in every man's life... when he knows what he really wants." "And. I think we all know... that the one thing more precious than... silver... is gold." "Anthony Silver and Suzie Gold." "Yeah. we got it. we got it." "But. today in front of our family and friends... I'd like to ask this little nugget of gold... to be my own Mrs Silver." "Suzie... would you marry me?" "That's lovely." "I mean. really wow." "Anthony. I can't marry you." "I appreciate how good you've been over the past few months. but... I can't marry you." "I just wish you'd have asked me first." "This is how you repay us?" "You've always gotta spoil the party!" "Mum. are you mental?" "l need my head examining?" "He's a gorgeous boy from a good family!" "It's true." "Oh. like I need marriage advice from you." "And at least you're not ashamed to bring him home." "What does that mean?" "Look. just play something." "Anything. just play." "Dad. what's wrong with her?" "Just find someone to dance with." "Mum. what does that mean?" "It means he walks into my house like a gentleman... not disguised as a plumber!" "You knew about Darren?" "Course I knew." "Mothers know." "Why didn't you say anything?" "Why didn't you say anything?" "Because he wasn't Jewish and you'd have gone crazy." "You wouldn't even have let him inside the house!" "Absolutely not." "You know better than to invite some non-Jewish into my house!" "How dare you." "He wasn't a yobbo." "He was a gentleman." "He is a gentleman." "Just because he isn't Jewish doesn't make him a yobbo!" "And you know what?" "It's you I'm ashamed of!" "Fine." "Fine." "Your daughter would rather some nobody yobbo than with Anthony." "I don't even know if I'm gonna end up with the yobbo!" "And he's not a yobbo!" "His name's Darren and he's a sweet... sincere and intelligent man... who just happens to not be Jewish." "How could you do this to us?" "How could I do this to you?" "Mum. you want me to marry someone I don't even love... and I'm doing this to you?" "No-one's gonna marry anyone they don't want to marry." "I'm sorry. dad." "I know you liked him." "I don't have to live with him." "All we want is for you to be happy." "I suppose he has got mean lips." "Now let's not forget why we're here." "This is Sophie's night." "Let's go out there and show them what this family's made of." "The bouquet." "Well done." "Miriam." "Sorry." "There are some days you will never forget." "My sister's wedding day is about number one on the list so far." "If Anthony silver had happened to me the year before..." "I probably would have married him." "But you know what I'II remember the most?" "Letting go of those balloons." "I suppose sometimes... you've just got to let go of your balloons."