"(MOANING) -(GRUNTS)" "(GROANS)" "(BOTH PANTING)" "(MOANS)" "(EXHALES)" "(EXHALES)" "HANNAH:" "Wait, so you're just gonna leave?" "Come on, kid." "We talked about this." "We didn't really talk about it." "You know what?" "You talked about it and I listened." "There's nothing I'd rather do than stay here, fall asleep, wake up, watch you snoring, and then fuck you again, but if I don't go back to Ray's, I'm not gonna do my vocal exercises," "and I'm gonna be late for tech, and I'd rather do this now" "so I don't have to worry about it later." "I know," "And I'm so proud of you for how hard you're working, so just do your thing and I will be here." " okay." " okay." "It's not always gonna be like this." "I know." "Okay." "Mmm." "But is there a part of you that thinks it will always be like this?" "Come on, kid, this is the exact kind of thing that takes my head out of where it needs to be right now." "I know, I'm sorry." "I shouldn't have said that." "I'm trying to..." "I'm gonna be very good." "Okay." "Okay." "(BOTH GROWLING)" " I love you." " I love you, too." " Goodbye." "Goodbye." "Bye." "Ripped By mstoll Happy New Year 2015" " New Year, New Color ;-)" "ADAM: (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Oh." "We're companions in misfortune, Rummy." "Both of us got names nobody can't pronounce." "Consequently, I'm Snobby and you're Rummy because Bill and Sally wasn't good enough for our parents." "Such is life." ""Who saved you, Mr. Price?" "Was it Major Barbara?"" "No, I come here on me own." "I'm gonna be Bronterre O'Brien Price, the converted..." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "ADAM:" "Oh, hello." "That's my fucking neighbor." "We're being too loud." "ADAM:" "ls it Major Barbara?" "Hey." "Hey." "I couldn't sleep so I took a walk and I just ended up in the area so I thought I'd drop in and see you brothers." "Oh, my God, Ray, this place looks so amazing." "Thanks, yeah, I'm trying to make it more, uh, clean." "Ray, could you give us a second, please?" "Yeah, sure." "I was about to head off to bed anyway, so I'm gonna do that." "Good night, Hannah, good night, Adam." "Please be expressive but also... (WHISPERS) Keep it down." "Sleep well." "Fancy seeing you here." "What's going on?" "I had a terrible intuition that just dragged me out of bed 'cause I was thinking about you here, and I thought about how you like to have one-and-a-half bananas in the morning and I didn't know if Ray even had any bananas." "So..." "So, where are the bananas?" "I'm sorry, this is stupid." "You have got to relax." "I'm trying to relax, but it's very hard to relax when I feel like you're leaving me only in such slow motion" "I'm not even gonna notice till it's done." "I'm not going anywhere." "Look, I think it is very important for our relationship that we are in the same place tonight, okay?" "We cannot spend the night separately." "I will sit on the couch, okay?" "I will play on my iPhone on silent." "You know I can't concentrate while you're here." "That's why I'm here." "I see you and I think "play time," and I need to be thinking "work time."" "Okay, no, I know." "I'm sorry." "No, no, no, no, no, stop." "Hannah, stop." "(STUTTERS) Everything's gonna be fine." "Okay." "I know it's hard, but someday you're gonna have something fucking major going on and you're gonna understand why I needed this time for myself right now." "Okay?" "(KEYS JANGLING) -(GATE UNLOCKS)" "Yeah, as long as all the stuff is level, then I think we're good." " We're good, right, Trev?" "TREV:" "Yep." " Let me ask you something." "Mmm-hmm." "What do you think of the font?" "I think it's strong but not too aggressive." " Perfect for what you're trying to say." "Hmm." " Yeah?" "Yeah." "I hate it." "Yeah, the wall font is weird as fuck." "Let me get in touch with our graphic designer." "He needs to handle this ASAP." "Marnie, can you try to get ahold of him?" " I have to get to therapy." "Yeah, of course." " Um, I just..." "Bye, Beedie." " Bye-bye, sweetie." "MARNIE:" "Bye, Sooj." " BEEDIE:" "Hello?" "(SIGHS)" "Hello, miss?" " Oh!" "Yes?" "Oh." "I was just wondering if you could roll me over" "to the photo of the bald guy." "Yes, of course." "I'm so sorry about that." "No, no, it's fine." "How's this?" "Can you see him?" "Yeah." "I hope it's not tacky for me to say that I studied your work when I was in school." " Really?" "Where did you go?" "I went to Oberlin." "Well, that figures 'cause my ex-husband taught there." "Really?" "And he's still guilty" "so he keeps working me into the curriculum." "(CHUCKLES)" "I mean, I really love your photos." "I don't understand how the people don't see that you're taking them." "It was harder when I was young, but you know, now I'm old, and no one ever looks at me anyway." "I'm sure that's not true, Beedie." "No, it is true." "Getting old, it's the pits." "Like, I hate watching television because all the old women are shells..." "And it..." "It just hurts to be a shell." "HANNAH:" "Are you gonna come to Marnie's open mic thing?" "Um..." "No." "Why not?" "I really don't want to go without you." "She sucks and she needs to stop." "She doesn't suck." "All right, yes, technically, she does not suck." " She has a very gifted instrument." "Mmm-hmm." "But her performance style is both too stiff and too hopeful." "She's like..." ""Papa?" -(HANNAH CHUCKLES)" ""Am I a pretty girl, Mama?"" " That's so good." "That's so true." "(LAUGHS) Very good, right?" " I was so good." "HANNAH:" "Really good." "Why can't you just come sit down with me?" "HANNAH:" "Because I have to go fix my fucking Patti Lu Pone interview." " Why?" "Because the last time I went to interview her, all we did was talk about, like, her life in the theater and why you shouldn't fuck actors, and I didn't get one useful quote about bone density." " I want to come." "You can't come." "I mean, she is amazing." "She's a fountain of wisdom." "But you can't come." "It's a professional engagement." "Please, you didn't even know who Patti LuPone was before I explained it to you." "That's so not true." "Please let me come." "I want to meet fucking Corky's mom." "Fine." " Really?" "Yeah, really." "But there's a number of things you can't do." "Okay, anything, anything, anything." " Talk." "What?" "Don't touch her things." "Can I just touch, like, one Tony?" " No, especially not her Tonys." "One?" "HANNAH:" "And not her husband, if his name is Tony." "I'm gonna touch that Tony." "BOTH: (SINGING) Everybody thinks it's bluer at the bottom" "(CLICKS)" " That sounds fucking amazing." "Yeah." "God damn it." "If I can be so bold, we sound fucking amazing." "I know, it's the first thing I've ever written that actually feels like me or like we..." "That we wrote together." "It is incredible that we met each other." "I mean, we just wrote that fucking song." "I cannot remember the last time I wrote a whole song." "(CHUCKLES) Yeah, well, it's still missing its bridge, but..." "Tomorrow night's gonna be the tits." "It's gonna be you and me working out some material, no stress." "I know, I'm so excited." " I can't wait." "(SIGHS)" "I saw that, uh, YouTube video that you made of that Edie Brickell song." "Oh, my gosh." "That was, like, not me." " There was this girl who looks..." " It was a bummer." "(HUFFS) ll really made me just really uncomfortable." "Um..." "Yeah, that's the general reaction people have to it." "So tomorrow night, all right?" "Let's just keep it loose, all right?" " Just relax..." " Yeah." "Natural." "I'm all about relaxed and natural." "It's just you and me up there." "Loosey-goosey, super natural." "(CHUCKLES AND SNAPS FINGERS)" "(BAD GIRL PLAYING)" "What a fucking exhausting day." "I had three classes, a Physique 57, and I got in a fight with Zeva about her post-grad trip to Lisbon." "Oh, and they told us that we all have to wear the graduation cap, which I know for a fact is not true at all comparable universities, so I'm starting a petition." "What are you doing?" "Does it feel good being off drugs?" "No, I feel like I'm going fucking crazy, Shoshanna." "Okay, well, it feels really good to me and all the people around you who love you, and you probably just destroyed your pleasure sensors, but they're totally gonna grow back." "I'm gonna go do a hair mask." "I love you." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "(GASPS)" "I'm so bored!" "(CRYING)" "(DOORBELL runes)" "Okay, seriously, you have to behave 'cause I am only gonna get one more chance at this." "I've given you, like, 33 chances to be in my life, okay?" "So cut me some slack." "You look great." "(GASPS)" "Hi, Miss Lu Pone." "Thank you so much for making the time." " Hello, sweet face." "Oh." "(KISSING NOISES)" "Hi, this is my friend Elijah." "Oh, you didn't tell me you were bringing Troy Donahue." "(GASPS)" "Come on in, honey." "Hey, Peter, the girl's here." "She brought one tall drink of water." "Miss LuPone, I just want to say what an honor it is to be here in your home, and you are such an inspiration to us underdogs." " Completely." " You, an underdog?" "You look like a fucking Kennedy." "It's true, with the bowtie." "(CHUCKLES)" "So, this is just two to three questions about how Strenova has positively impacted your day-to-day life." "What makes you think I was ever an underdog?" "No, no, I don't think you're an underdog." "I was saying that I'm an underdog and that she is definitely an underdog." "So I was never an underdog." "I never auditioned for the chorus." "Pfft!" " Fuck that." "And you want to know why?" " Why?" "Why?" "Self-esteem." "Confidence." " I knew who I was." "I knew who I was." " Hmm." " Do you know who you are?" "ELIJAH:" "Not a clue." "Honestly, I just need, like, two to three sentences on the positive impact Strenova's had on your day-to-day life." "Oh, Hannah, please." "Honey, chill out." "Relax." "Yeah, relax." "Relax." " Relax." "Yeah." " PETER:" "Who's hungry?" "I am!" " Whoo!" "I want to eat." "(LAUGHS)" "What'd you get..." "Oh, he's a wonderful cook." "Salmon." "We don't want to interrupt your dinner." "Honestly, it's just an in-out operation." "Oh, please, 30 years." "We're sick of looking at each other." "I'm not sick of looking at her." "Honey, it was a joke." " When are you gonna get my sense of humor?" "(LAUGHS)" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "I just want some space and I'm sick of fucking explaining it." "RAY:" "Yeah, I get that." "We can't always justify ourselves, you know?" "ADAM;" "Yeah." "Like, recently, I had this thing with a girl, and by all accounts, I should've been psyched." "She was beautiful, driven, had an amazing fucking chin, but I don't know, something about it just didn't feel right." " Yeah." " And I tried talking to her about it, but ultimately I just had to fucking drop the guillotine, you know?" "Cut bait." "And she was like, "What the..."" "And I was like, "You heard me, slut."" "I didn't really call her a slut, though." "Yeah, no, fuck, fuck." "I just feel like right now I'm just in a place where I don't want to compromise, you know what I mean?" "Like, fuck it." "If the situation's not perfect," "I'm not gonna settle." "Yeah." "And if that means being single, then fuck it, I'm gonna be single." " Maybe I need to be single." "Yeah." "That's why I never signed a lease until I found this place, you know." "Until I found the fucking perfect apartment." "God, I love this place." "And that is the last time she fucked with a woman in a wig cap." "(LAUGHS) You're so bad." "Whoa." " PETER:" "She really is." "You're so bad." " She is just a bunch of trouble. (BARKS) -(ELIJAH LAUGHS)" " Let me have one." "Peter, are you an actor as well?" "I do not date actors, and I most especially do not marry them." " I'm a professor in the CUNY system." " Yeah." " Amazing." "Awesome, do you like it?" "(CHUCKLES)" "He wanted to write, so he is very far from his passion." "I've been very lost at times." "Mmm." "Well, it's a good thing we found you" " 'cause this is fun." " (PETER LAUGHS)" "When did you stop writing?" "Uh, when I started teaching." "Okay, so it wasn't, like, one of those things where there was only room for one artist in the couple and Patti's career sort of taking off and overshadowing yours so you decided to give up your dreams to support her, was it?" "It was." "The worst thing you can do is subjugate your passion, truly." "But here's something that comforts me." "I may be the second wheel, but without me, she would be a mere unicycle. (CHUCKLES)" "lt's interesting, after all this time..." "(CHUCKLES) ...we still go out and, uh," "I'm still "Mr. LuPone..."" " Oh, come on." "...and "the little man."" "And it's..." "It's funny, but that's all right." "I just..." "I feel so lucky to have her support." "PATTI:" "Mind if I take off my bra?" " ELIJAH:" "No." "Sorry, it's that time of the night." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "JOE:" "We're trying to say exercise, but not like..." "KAREN:" "Not like jock exercise." "JOE:" "Right, it's, like, specifically non-jock exercise." "Maybe more like spiritual exercise?" "KAREN:" "Yeah, exactly." "JOE:" "Thank you." "Fine, then how about," ""The Couple Thai Stretches Together" ""Namastes Together?" " Boom." "No. (GROANS)" "KAREN:" "That's weird." "It's too pretentious." "JANICE:" "Kevin." "KEVIN:" "It's spiritual." "What the fuck are we doing here?" "Lululemon for men?" "Hmm?" "No, seriously, like, this is all bullshit, isn't ii?" "I mean, guys, we're supposed to be writers and what's happening at this table is honestly the biggest squanderization of talent I have ever seen in my life." ""Squanderization" is not even a word." " Okay, Karen, well, um..." "So..." "that means next to nothing." " Okay." "Whoa." "Wow, look at you." "Go, go, go." " KEVIN:" "Ouch." "Okay, Kevin." "Wanna talk about your situation?" "Bring it." "When are you gonna go from calling yourself a poet to calling yourself a "former poet"?" "Which is what you actually are because you yourself told me you haven't written anything of substance in five years, and rhyming "need" with "tweed," it doesn't count." "Oh, good one. "You Got a Need for Tweed" was a solid idea." " You signed off on it..." "JANICE:" "Mmm." "Yeah." "...and so did you and so did you," "and she loved it." "Okay." "Listen, I think maybe we should reconvene after lunch." " Yeah. (CHUCKLES)" "Yes." "I think maybe we should reconvene never." "How about that?" "Am I seriously the only one of us who prides herself on being a truly authentic person?" "This is tripping me out." "Well, gee, I'm sorry we've let you down, Hannah." "Okay, Joe, I'd love to see some of that trademark wit on the page." "What the fuck did I ever do to you besides treat you nice and clean up your vomit?" "That was a private experience that we shared, okay?" "I don't really appreciate you airing our dirty laundry in public." " We were all there." "Yeah." "I just expect more from life." "Seriously, I want every day to be exciting and scary and a rollercoaster of creative experience, as if I'm making a new life" "for myself in France." "(SIGHS)" "Well, Hannah, you know what?" "Maybe this just isn't the place for you." "Maybe it's not the place for me." "Maybe it's not the place for any of us." "Did you think you were gonna grow up and be in, like, a sweatshop factory for puns?" " Maybe this is a fucking cooler for dead souls." "Hannah, Hannah..." " Maybe we're all hung up like someone's dry..." "Hannah." " Yeah?" "You're fired." "Okay." "Well, Janice, you can't fire me, because, actually I'm quitting." "No, Hannah, come on." "Hannah." "Joe, what do you want from me?" "Does it make you feel good to have a chubby girl paying attention to you?" "I'm not the right conquest." "What?" "So, thank you, Janice." "Thank you for the firing." "It has made my life so much better." "You should all try it." "You know, I'm just not happy with the image of the bald guy." "Um, okay, is it, um, the placement of the photo or, um, maybe the height on the wall?" "Why don't you tell me?" "No, I'm not qualified..." "Then how did you get this job?" "(STUTTERS) I'm not challenging you." "I'm just really curious." " MARNIE:" "Jessa' hi." "Hey" "Not a good time, really." "Yeah, I was just down the street applying for a job." "I thought I'd stop by." " Hi." "This work is..." "By Bedelia, who's the artist." " Hi." "Bee..." "Beedee..." "Bedelia?" "People call me Beedie." "Beedie, okay, that's a weird name." "(WHISPERS) This really isn't a good time." "Um ..." " This is your work?" "Yeah." "I love it." "It's really invasive and exciting." " Really?" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Except that one." " Jessa..." "I'm so sorry, Beedie." "BEEDIE:" "Really?" "You don't think it should be in the show at all?" "No, I mean, it's..." "No, it's fine." "I happen to agree with you." "I think we should just get rid of it." "Amazing." " Amazing." " Breakthrough." "Let's just get rid of it." "All we do is talk about it." "We talk about it and talk about it." "Well, anyway, I was glad I could help." "I am, you know, gonna be on my way, looking for work." " Wow, okay." "Oh, really?" "What kind of work?" "Well, anything that doesn't market my sexuality." "Okay, you know, I'm kind of looking for someone to do archival work." "JESSA:" "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "What does that entail?" "It entails that I have a lot of crap in my house and I would like someone to organize all the crap." " Okay." " Okay?" " Yeah, okay." "Can you alphabetize?" "Yes, I can alphabetize." "Why, did someone tell you otherwise?" " You come tomorrow?" "Yeah, that sounds good." "I'll be there." "Okay, yeah." "You're not a junkie thief, are ya?" "No, not anymore." "(CHUCKLES)" "Okay, well, it was lovely to meet you, Bodie, and I will see you tomorrow." " Bye, Marnie." "See you tomorrow." "JESSA:" "Change that title, maybe?" " Or just, like, rethink it?" "I don't know." "(HUFFS)" "(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)" "(RAPPING) Wink, wink, kissy face puppy on a pony" "He texted mad emojis what he really means is "Blow me"" "All these one-offs leave me feeling kind of lonely" " Wanna be my one and only" " HANNAH:" "Mmm-hmm." "How is this girl unsigned?" "I relate to this song so hard." "To put the Plan B On your Visa" "He got kind of serious" "Now it's the sixth of the month and I'm praying for my period" "What's going on?" "Are you nervous?" "Ah, yeah, I'm a little bit nervous." " Why?" "I don't know, it's scary." " No." "Yeah." "It's just you and me at the campfire." " There's nobody out there." "(CHUCKLES)" "Except there are a lot of people out there." "It's just you and me at the campfire." "Okay." "I'm also a little bit nervous about..." "What?" "This." "What, us?" "What?" "Yeah, I feel like we have, um, a really palpably strong connection." "You know I have a girlfriend, right?" " That's not, like, an issue' is it?" "(APPLAUSE)" "(FEMALE RAPPER TALKING ON MIC)" " No, of course not." "So don't be nervous." "Okay." "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "(STRUMMING)" "(INHALES AND EXHALES)" "This is gonna be a real shit show." "Marnie, we love you!" "(SINGING) I'll catch you when you're falling" "Find me when I'm low" "HANNAH:" "Whoo!" "Go, Marn!" "I'm being really supportive." "You are, you're such a good friend." "So they don't have to know" "I've been turning reckless" "Spinning out of control" "And I can learn to bear it" "If you'll let me call you home" "BOTH:" "I will walk with you" "And stand by you tall" "(MOUTHING) Oh, my God!" "You can bet on me" "And I will call you home" "Are you gonna be okay?" "Like, okay how?" "I mean, like, Adam's about to be on Broadway and Marnie's clearly about to be a pop star and, I don't know, you were supposed to be the famous artist in this group and now you're just working in advertising." "Well, I'm networking in advertising" "anymore because I quit today." "ELIJAH:" "Shh!" " Also, this isn't like..." " Please stop talking, ma'am." "It was so good." "I would buy it as a cassette single." "Thank you." "Yeah, Marnie, I have to tip my tiny cap to you." "You really, really..." "You learned something that I didn't think was possible to learn, which was presence." " You were so present." " ELIJAH:" "So beautiful." " Thank you, you guys." " And you made everyone else present." " Yeah." " lt's because of this guy, honestly." "He, like, was so instrumental in helping me." " Well, you played an instrument, but also, like -(CHUCKLES)" "he was so helpful in teaching me how..." "Hello." " Oh!" "(KISSES) -(GIGGLES)" " CLEMENTINE:" "You were so great!" "Oh, gracias." "And you added some really interesting textures and colors." "It was..." " It was very nice." "This is Clementine." "Hi, I'm Marnie." "Nice to meet you." " Clem, hi." "Yeah." "I cannot thank you enough." "I've not seen him so creatively revved up in months." "It is just the best gift." "That's so..." "I mean, he's the best, really." "So..." "I know." "You know, and he told me you were gonna be nervous" "and you really weren't." "It was..." "(CHUCKLES)" "You were so sweet, so nice." "Thank you so much." "That's so sweet of you to say." "You're saying I'm sweet." "I'm saying you're sweet." "(CLEMENTINE CHUCKLES) -lt's sweet, so, thank you." "So, uh, are we gonna meet the cast or what?" "Oh, shit, yeah." "We should go." "Do you guys want to join us?" "Uh, I just remembered I can't." "I'm, uh, tutoring a homeless kid tomorrow morning." "Aw." "Yeah, and I got a dinner with this, uh, guy I met at the Kenneth Cole outlet, so..." "Mmm." "(DESI CHUCKLES)" "DESI:" "You be safe." " Hi." "Hey, what's going on?" " Hey." " Hey." "I thought we said we weren't gonna do this anymore." "Uh, yeah, you said that, but I never signed off on anything." "Hey, look, wait." "Look, I'm not opposed to the general idea of where this seems to be headed." "Okay, I'm not, but I do think we should try to, you know, nail down the specifics of what this means in a more global macro sense." "Okay, Ray, yeah, you do that." "And, um, whenever you're done doing that," "I'm gonna be in here waiting for you..." "Naked." "Okay." "(CLICKS)" "WOMAN 1:" "So he decides his choice is that he is going to climb the fourth wall." "MAN:" "Oh, no." "WOMAN 2:" "What?" "You know the story." "Not break it' climb it." "What did that look like?" "Okay, it looked a little something like this." "(PANTING)" " Hangs off a little, looks down..." "Oh, God." "(CHUCKLES)" "Gets up, looks at the audience, looks back at me." " (LAUGHS) I'm just like, "How do I..." - (LAUGHS)" " Fuck this guy." "And if you ask him about it, he has..." "You know, he says he has zero memory of it." "ADAM:" "I have a new respect for that guy now." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "I got fired from my job today." " You what?" "I got fired from my job." " Sorry." "WOMAN 1:" "No, this is good." "You have the floor, Adam's girlfriend." "Okay, it's Hannah, and I should clarify I intentionally got fired." "I wanted to get fired, and I succeeded with flying colors." " Why'd you get fired?" "Why'd you want to get fired?" "I got fired so I could receive my unemployment 'cause Mama is gonna need that unemployment." "(CHUCKLES)" "She's gonna get it." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "CLEMENTINE:" "You guys want more drinks?" " HANNAH:" "I think your friends really liked me." "(ADAM GRUNTS)" "Don't knock me into things, okay?" "Be careful with me, please." "Precious cargo." " Ow. (CHUCKLES) -(GRUNTS)" "Gentle." "Your theater friends are very theatery." " Have you noticed that?" "Shh." "(WHISPERS) Don't want to wake up Ray." "Well, I don't care about waking up Ray because you know what?" "Ray's a dick." "It's about time we all just acknowledged it." "I'm so glad you're getting the fuck out of here." "Yeah." "After opening night, right?" "Well..." "I don't think we can set an exact time." "Are you serious?" "(KISSES)" "(ADAM MOANS)" "(MARNIE MOANING)" "Do you hear that?" "Yeah, it sounds like Ray's got company." "(RAY MOANING)" "Excuse me. (GRUNTS)" "Hannah, what the fuck?" "It's none of your business." "Everything's my business." "(BOTH MOANING)" "(SCREAMING)" "(BOTH SCREAM)" "Are you fucking kidding me?" "What the fuck are you doing?" "This is America." "You don't just barge into someone's fucking bedroom." "Put your dick away." " Adam?" "Yes?" " Did you know this was going on?" "No." " MARNIE:" "He made me." "What?" "You will never judge me again." "(NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS PLAYING)" "Ripped By mstoll Happy New Year 2015" " New Year, New Color ;-)"