"BARON MUNCHAUSEN" "May we present ourselves?" "Barbican, president of the Artillery Club" "And Captain Nicole..." "Miguel Ardan..." "And who am I?" "I am Cyrano." "Cyrano de Bergerac, the poet." "But what is your name... and from where do you come?" "From Venus, Mars... or perhaps from Jupiter?" "Judging by his outfit he must hail from the Moon." "Gentlemen, a true Lunarian!" "Come..." "Let us pause to toast this auspicious occasion." "In this enchanted and silent countryside where the centuries weigh heavily..." "It's the famous Baron Munchausen..." "It's also part of my heritage to be adventurous..." "The power that lifts one towards the stars, is that of fantasy." "I feel proud to be the first... to raise my glass in honour of the Lunarian." "Let the crystal glass ring out!" " With the voice of the stars!" " And for a new adventure!" "Our young friend is displeased..." "His lips did not touch the wine." " He must first remove his helmet." " And if he can't?" "And if, by some misfortune, he has never tasted wine?" "That possibility gives me an idea..." "Look!" "The good old Earth!" "Perhaps we are being premature... in rejoicing at our discovery." "I'll set off for the Eath in company with our Moonling..." "So that he can see how well we live down there." "So that he can see how we dress." "So that he learns all about Love..." "So that he breathes the very air of Adventure..." "In a word, so that he understands what it means to live on Earth!" "Well, my friends... my peculiar journey begins..." "My new friend, when properly dressed, seemed almost human." "Almost like a man." "Almost..." "He had such a strange name." "Tony, or something like that." "There were many likeable things about him..." "But he was so methodical, so precise..." "Even the appearance of my ship..." "which I do confess is a little unusual- appeared to him as quite absurd." "He babbled on about science and engineering..." "My Lunar friend..." "I must confess that these trivialities irritate me." "I'm not from the Moon, I'm from the Earth" " Impossible!" " And why is that?" "I've never come across before you down there." "Here we have the morning messenger from Earth." "Does she come from there?" "A sorceress perhaps?" " Isn't she magnificent?" " Frankly, I don't believe in witchcraft..." "She doesn't look like one." "Although one is never quite sure." "And down there, they all fly like you." "Scientifically!" "The Bosphorus!" "Constantinople!" "We'll land under the palace windows." "That's how I'll talk to the Sultan." "Melodious, but incomprehensible." "It's the language of high diplomacy." "What made me decide to land in Turkey?" "Because it's where we find the crescent moon." "I think that my Lunarian will appreciate my delicacy." "Nobody would dream that this modest room is the heart and nerve center of the Kingdom" "The Grand Sultan is much occupied." "How surprised he will be to meet a being from the Moon." "I felt quite at home there." "Thus may the Moonling come to understand how we live." "I have finished the presentation." "He fears for his throne!" "I've explained that you don't know what a throne is." "Stay your distance!" "They should oil it up a bit." "Don't play with fire!" "It seems to me... that the audience may be over." "Our ship was captured by pirates." "They sold me to the sultan." "Yesterday I realized that you were a perfect gentleman." "You have no fear of the terrible sultan." "I beseech you to free me." "You are my last hope." "Signed:" "BIANCA, the White Princess from the Black Castle." "It's addressed to you." "Congratulations!" "Is it possible that she is being held here against her will?" "I'll have a word with the sultan about it." "Have a word with the sultan?" "Are you completely looney?" "What we must do is abduct her." "But that means so much violence." "No violence at all!" "It's an art." "A knight always uses dagger, sword and rope." "Tonight we will arm ourselves." "And we'll also finish off the ducks." "Murder, arson and horrible oaths are the indispensable components of a divine love affair." "Our path towards adventure was not an easy one." "Of course, to me that mattered little, but the lunarian was very clumsy." "And to think that this idiot wants to save the princess!" " You whistle like a child." " So what should I do?" " Fight like a man!" " And how will that help?" "It won't, but it'll look good." "When we were in love we didn't whistle, we fought!" "We felt like we were floating..." "Check!" "Check mate!" "The Moonling has begun to show his talents." "I don't mean to make an unfavourable comparison, but did I really have to kill ten thousand turks so that he could make out with the princess?" "Never mind time for the Baron to appear on the scene." "The smoke is heading our way." "the Turks were furious..." "I believe the boy and the princess were much afraid..." "As for me, as usual, I was completely calm." "I was a little concerned for the princess..." "She seemed to be attracted to the Moon and it's inhabitant." "I will never consent... to be usurped of my rights!" "For three days and three nights we continued at a headlong pace." "The road was littered with the skeletons of noble steeds." "My friend, the ocean!" "What a beautiful sight." "That ship." "Is that not a Turkish ship?" "No, it's a Dutch ship carrying Turkish tobacco." "A merchant ship." "Very good, it will take us to Venice." "Hello!" "hello!" " It's useless, they don't hear us." " They're too far away." "We have to reach them." "Oh, excuse me." "A man and a horse in the water." "Why, of course!" "It's the Baron Munchausen!" "Two horses and three men in the water." "Two horses and two men." "The third is a woman." "A boat!" "And a stateroom for the lady!" "Hay for the horses, and wine for the cavaliers." "To your happy arrival in Venice." "Now I'll offer our guests... the best that we have..." "What brand is it?" "Karlsjaca?" " Inshala?" " "The Enchanted Turk"" " Pardon?" " "The Enchanted Turk"" "Oh heavens..." "The Turkish Armada!" "Everyone on deck!" "We are surrounded." "Have you robbed the sultan of his treasure?" "Just one pearl, but a very precious one..." "One, two, three, four, five..." "One thousand four hundred and twenty-seven guns." "And all aimed at us." "And they're going to fire." "I know it." "Mow the sharks will smoke my tobacco." "But the captain didn't reckon with my strategem." "While our ship was being enveloped in tobacco smoke the Turkish Armada surrounded us." "Five hundred cannons to the left five hundred to the right." "A famous admiral to the left another famous admiral to the right." "When the tobacco smoke made our boat invisible to the Turks..." "Admiral Hassan gave the order to fire." "The second admiral wasn't far behind." "But, as you can see, it was I who led the battle." "In sum, the Turks did each other in." "My ingenuity celebrated a new triunph..." "It's true that in the end one stray shot sank our boat." "But that was to be expected..." "What else are lifeboats for?" "When the smoke finally cleared we saw the great destruction visited on the glorious Turkish Armada." "The final act was the self-immolation of the the lead actors: the two admirals." "They interpreted their roles with great decorum." "Bravo, heros!" "Finally there was just us in the two lifeboats." "The princess and I in one." "Tony and the Captain in the other." "The night arrived, and with it, the Moon." "And I was alone with the princess..." "The other boat seemed to have strayed far, far away..." "Baron, do you have strong feelings for the Moon?" "The Moon, my dear is an enigmatic body." "To me it is- -covered all over with silver bells which sound so sweetly." "What delusions!" "She's still thinking about the Moonling" "She doesn't realize that the moon is as gray as its inhabitants." "She doesn't understand my wonderful world." "It swallowed us down like a sandwich." "In it's stomach was a great lake." "There was light from the ships' lanterns" "Ships that must have been swallowed many years ago." "The ventilation left much to be desired..." "That's why I let the princess sleep on..." "I am the Baron Munchausen!" "I am delighted." "You are most welcome." "Kindly step this way." "To the devil!" "To the devil!" "My visit seemed to be the signal for festivities." "With great enthusiasm they drank the liquor down to its last dregs." "It was going to be difficult to explain to the princess that we were actually imprisoned in the stomach of a whale." "For my part, I found the whole adventure rather agreeable especially when I contemplated the prospect of travelling 80,000 miles with her by my side." "The monster took us first towards the North Sea." "After that we headed towards the North Pole." "It was infernally cold." "Our whale's strength was inexhaustible." "We visited all the seas." "The Red Sea." "The Yellow Sea." "The Black Sea." "What a breadth of learning, what a formidable grasp of geography!" "What would we have done without our admiral?" "But once we entered shallow waters his mastery began to falter." "Mine never!" "Will this voyage never end?" "A storm!" "Luckily we are protected by the whale blubber." "It's not a storm but cannonfire!" "Do you know what that means?" "We must be approaching dear old Europe." "But the whale was frightened of our high civilization." "All the better." "I'll have more time to make my advances." "Do I please you, Captain?" "To the devil!" "To the devil!" "A harpoon!" "I believe that this is the right moment to put on our travelling clothes." "You dance as lightly as a feather..." "Rather it's the ground which dances under my feet." " Of course." " Hold me." "My arms will always be your support." "" " We are saved!" "We have landed!" "" " The whale is beached." "Hello!" "You on the rock!" "Why, it's our captain!" "What are you doing there?" "I'm staying up here on the rock." "It's madness down there on the island." "Do you hear that?" "He has installed a boiler and started a fire." "He's a sorcerer!" "He's a lunarian..." "Tony?" "Go to the bay and see for yourself." "He wants to move the ship with steam." "These women!" "She only had to hear that ridiculous name and she forgot all the beautiful moments that we spent together." "I understood that all my efforts had been so much wasted time." " Where am I?" " You are with me." "My boiler." "It only needed a safety valve." "The steam boiler could have been invented 100 years earlier." "A safety valve, do you understand?" "I understand the lad..." "He, too, wants to be Baron Munchausen." "To travel in a boat propelled by steam..." "That requires a lot of imagination..." "But as soon as two want to do it, it's not the same." "I love adventuring, but my rule is:" "Keep your feet on the ground and your head out of the clouds." "I was rather enjoying the ride." "But then a horrible thought struck me..." "The princess was in the hands of Tony!" "That fanatic from the Moon!" "Let's hurry back!" "Faster!" "Oh heavens!" "When I sampled the liquid I realized that it was wine." "Champagne is better, but only when very cold." "Pity that the Princess Bianca isn't here." "She would have been the envy of all those marine nymphs." "But they didn't interest me." "And sensing my lack of interest, they showed their Teeth." "But even that didn't disturb my peace of mind." "There are no teeth big enough to destroy Baron Munchausen." "Suddenly my heart gave a leap." "Proof that my beloved was nearby." "The voice of my heart had guided me towards her." "Perhaps just in time." "I had to tell of my adventures until dawn." "Everybody was listening spellbound..." "Except those two..." "My adventure didn't interest them." "How could the princess pay any attention to all those engineering trivialities?" "Do you know how to read the stars?" "A little." "I am curious to know what he is going to say to her..." "It says there that your eyes are as blue and as deep as the deepest sea." "What a fabulator..." "Not even original!" "All the lovesick swains sing the same song to their inamorata." "The stars may cease to guard their secrets." "But one mystery will remain: that of Love." "My trip was unique of its kind, because... the horse didn't canter, rather it swam and in front of him there swam a million fish" "At least a million of the most varied species." "This is the ship's log, Baron." "And that requires accuracy." "Very well." "Exactly:" "One million two hundred and fifty six." "Fifty seven!" "And this number, gentlemen, I didn't find up my sleeve." "And as we sailed on without stop it became only too clear that the princess preferred Tony to me." "Are women no longer fascinated by adventure?" "By the romanticism of duelling and bloody battles?" "Then Fortune smiled upon me..." "The Commander of the fort was a good friend of mine." "General Pellmell, a soldier with a most manly beard." "Whole field batteries of champagne exploded in a deafening roar to celebrate our arrival." "But the enemy also roared -- with his cannons." "And our friend had to return to his duties." "Formidable!" "I admire your strategy." "If I only knew where the enemy was." "Would you permit me to investigate?" "If it's not too much trouble...." "Not at all." "Look!" "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "What ingenuity, what audacity!" "A little uncomfortable." "After I noted the enemy positions in detail I said:" "There's nothing more I need do here." "And since the enemy grenades flew overhead with increasing frequency... ..it was easier to reverse direction and return to the fort." "When I was young I loved listening to stories." "And I know that you must love them too." "Here, I have drawn one for you." "Look!" "There was once a castle and in the very center a dry well and a high tower." "And within the tower there was imprisoned a beautiful princess who was loved by a young man who determined to save her." "He deceived the guards, broke into the armory... and threw all the gunpowder into the well." "Then...he waited until the Moon was overhead..." "He struck a spark...the well became a projectile... which carried them both directly to the Moon." "It's a beautiful tale." "Pity that it's only a story!" "Why must love and beauty... only exist in fairy tales?" "To travel to the Moon, to throw gunpowder down wells... that can never be more than a dream..." " To future battles!" " To new adventures!" "May you never be defeated!" "And may you never be surpassed!" "I?" "Baron Munchausen will never be surpassed." "Even my name is insurpassable, immortal." "There's nothing I can do about it." "It's my destiny." "You can throw your destiny to the winds." "And your beloved...the White Princess and you..." "She's but an innocent child who could in no way interest a knight like myself who is acquainted with the intimate underwear of the most beautiful ladies in the world." "All monogrammed." "Queen Margarita of Extramadura..." "Her sister Maria Luisa of Austria." "And a third sister..." "In brief, they all offered me their hand and a sizeable dowry." "To say nothing of a bevy of court beauties." "It was enough for me to crook my little finger to have them fall into my arms" "But it wasn't so easy for them to gain my favours." "The Marquess of Rimini had a very refined procedure..." "At the time I had a tremendous appetite kept busy as I was night and day by my amorous activities." "They all succombed to my eloquent masculinity." "And one time I conquered the most beautiful woman in the world." "She had once brought fame to an unknown painter." "I, too, painted her in secret." "And to be honest, with more success." "But the most passionate affair was..." "Excuse me, a knight must be discreet..." "I must cease my reminiscences..." "I preferred to dwell on those hundreds of satisfied ladies so as not to have to think of the beautiful Bianca surrounded at the fort by so many eligible cavaliers." "But then the enemy recommenced the cannonade." "General, there is not an ounce of powder left in the fort." "It was the terrible truth!" "All the cannons were now nothing more than playthings." "Little did I know that the Moonling was mixed up in all this... that he had conceived a devious plan although to me he played the saintly innocent." "This devilish Turkish tobacco will do it." "And again everything was decided by my intervention." "The generals disappeared and without the generals the soldiers fled the battlefield." "A curious victory, but a victory it was, and so justly celebrated." "In the middle of all the rejoicing there sounded a tragic note" "The general informed Bianca that Tony had been detained on suspicion of stealing the gunpowder." "The decision of the Military Tribunal would soon be announced." "The penalty was...death." "Ladies and gentlemen, please..." "Pardon me, Baron, but it was you who brought him here." "Pardon me, General, but it was we who won the battle!" "Pardon me, Baron, but that was no battle." "With no gunfire, and no blood..." "Quite simply, we have cheated History." "And that Moonling is to blame!" "He will be judged and condemmed." "He is a dangerous dreamer!" "Did I hear you say "dangerous dreamer"?" "I have heard that somewhere before..." "Yes, a dangerous dreamer!" "I recall an incident..." "Tony!" "Tony!" "Right...turn!" "The youth is from the Moon, from another world." "Comes from the Moon?" "Should send him back there." "Tell me General, what proof do you have." "It's full moon tonight, do you remember the story?" "When the moon is directly overhead then we can start." "Interesting instructions on how to blow up the fort." "The dry well is full of gunpowder it only needs a spark." "The Baron is an artillery expert." "He will help us." "The princess thinks we don't see her." "Princess, I am the officer of the guard." "I am here by the order of the Commandant." "Sentiment must give way to duty." "That's enough, young man!" "Stop!" "Don't you understand, that's an order." "Don't play games with me." "Tony!" "Forward march!" "You should be happy to have gotten rid of him." "He's trying to surpass you in everything." "He says that he can cross all the oceans of the world." "Underwater..." "Perhaps he comes from a world where that is nothing remarkable..." "And he says that he can fly faster than a cannon ball." "Why not?" "Perhaps he was in a hurry." "You said the youth is a dreamer..." "If it's all fantasy, then perhaps likewise so should the penalty be." "Greetings, my friends!" "Old Cyrano bids you welcome." "Come this way!" "Come!" "You have arrived at just the right moment." "Till now the moon has belonged to us, the poets the dreamers the visionaries and the fantastic adventurers..." "And for ever and ever, the lovers..." "To them more than anyone, does the Moon belong." "But now, I throw my hat into the starry void..." "That it may fly to other worlds!" "That in our name it may salute those audacious ones who are already on the way towards our Universe!" "END" "[Subs by Wootle]"