"# My thoughts may stray #" "# My eyes may roam #" "# The neighbors' grass may seem much greener #" "# Than the grass right here at home #" "# If pretty girls excite me, well, that's life #" "# But just in case you didn't know #" "# I love my wife #" "# If rosy lips invite me, hey, that's life #" "# But just in case you couldn't guess #" "# Or hadn't heard or didn't know #" "# I love my wife, I love my wife #" "# I love my wife. #" "So that tongue-lashing you gave me at the bar the other night?" "What tongue-lashing?" "The one where you basically told me to be a player or not, but to shut the fuck up either way." " That tongue lashing." " The fact is, Jake, you were right." "Good, I love to be right." "It warms me right down to the sphincter." "The whole thing the last few days with Missy, with Donna, with you..." "I lost my shit." "I was so on edge," "I went to the massage parlor to see Sachiko." "I love where this is going." "Did you get a happy ending?" "Worse, I had sex with her." "You had sex with her?" "You you had lay-down dancing sex?" "Worse still." "I got the golden special full-body naked pussy massage." "The number five?" "!" "Wow!" "That is so..." "God damn!" "I am so happy, and proud, very fucking proud." "Excuse me, take a minute say hello to a champion." "This is a man who faced a wall head-on and ran right into it." "He's a winner." "Shake his hand." "Let go of my arm or I'll break your nose." "Fine." "I just thought you might want to share in a little triumph of the human spirit." "You're out of your mind, do you realize that?" "I'm just crowing, let me crow." "The point is you were right though, Jake." "I needed to be a player or not, one or the other." " I won't survive on the fence." " Yes, sir." "I left the massage parlor, I went home," "I stayed up all night thinking about it." "This morning at breakfast Donna is especially nice." "Out of nowhere she's finally decided to forgive me for all my moodiness." "I felt like shit, Jake." "It was biblical." "The guy who finally gets what he always wanted and now wishes he hadn't gotten it." "This wasn't biblical." "You didn't fuck Delilah, you did a masseuse." "It's just guilt." "It's God's way of saying, "Watch your back."" "You'll be fine, you'll learn to live with it." "Don't sweat this." "I won't learn to live with it." "That's my point, I won't learn to live with it." "I'm not that guy." "I thought I was." "I'm never gonna do it again." " Please, please." " I'm not, I'll never do it again!" "You had the full-body golden special naked pussy massage." "You mainlined." "I've yet to meet the man that did that once and walked away." "You are hooked, sir." "Relax and enjoy." "Hey, you okay?" "Uh, Carol problems." "How about you?" "Micky problems, actually." "You want to talk about it?" "I do, but..." "I can't." "I can't." "What's going on with you and Carol?" "She's burned out on the whole money thing." "Her only answer is to go back into advertising, which means the kids will more or less be raising themselves." "What I had when I was growing up." "What I promised myself they wouldn't have." "What are you gonna do?" "You gonna let her go back to work?" "If she wants to go back to work, I can't stop her." "What can I do?" "Well, it's a hassle, but you can tape her down every morning before you go to work." "The problem is you got to get home before the kids do to untape her so she can make dinner." " It's a hassle, but it can be done." " Yeah, I know my wife." "I think if she decides to do this, it's gonna take more than tape to stop her." "Okay, well, let me know if you need any other good input." "# Oh yeah, I can't understand... #" "Whoa, hold everything." "You want to tell Donna, that you had sex with a Japanese masseuse?" " Considering it." " No no, Mick." "You never admit this stuff, never." "Always deny." "Exactly." "Telling 'em is rude." "In fact, it's disrespectful, man." "It's the old Lenny Bruce bit." "Even if your wife comes home, catches you fucking some broad in the ass in your own bed, you turn around, you look her in the eye and go," ""Honey, she was sick and I was pushing her to the hospital."" "What's up with you?" "You guys ever have dreams?" "Not dreams really, but quick little grisly day thoughts that your wife dies or something?" "You have those thoughts?" "Really?" "'Cause I do, but you having them surprises me." "Quick thoughts is normal." "Every guy's got 'em." "Wife dies suddenly, you get the easy way out." "A free pass." "Perfectly normal." "Exactly, I have those." "I have those free-pass thoughts." "A cop comes to my office tells me Bianca died in some painless accident, hit by a pillow truck or something." "I'm devastated." "Then out of the blue an insurance guy shows up." "It turns out that Bianca took out this insurance policy on herself to take care of me and the kids." "So now I'm rich." "Chicks dig me more 'cause I got a sad story to tell of loneliness and loss." "Mine is always about an accident." "It happens at the airport." "Carol slips, falls and goes into a coma, and she just quietly signs off in her sleep." "No shit?" "Slips and falls at the airport, that's a good one." "We make a huge cash settlement with the airlines, we get to fly free anywhere we want." "And on top of that I meet a really cute stewardess and I get married again." "Wait a second." "You go through all that and you get married again?" "Right away?" "You get married again right away?" "Yeah, actually in the dream, she looks just like Carol." "What, are you retarded?" "That's fucked up!" "You go through that, marry some broad that looks like your wife." "What kind of story is that?" "Are you out of your fucking mind?" "That's just creepy." "How about you, Mick?" "You got a free-pass story?" "No, I don't." "Oh, come on, Micky, bullshit." "Every guy's got one, come on." "I don't." "I don't think like that." "The old Micky would've whipped out a good story right there on the counter, had us all in stitches." "What can I say?" "I guess I'm not the old Micky anymore." "I got to go." "I'll see you guys later." " All right, take it easy, Mick." " See that, choirboy?" "Marrying-the-stewardess-Iooks- like-the-wife story bummed him out." "Probably going somewhere to go throw up in a pail." " You ready?" " Yep, I'm ready." "I can't wait." "There." "It's wonderful, isn't it?" "It's amazing." " Tell me you love it." " I love it." "Do you really love it?" "Or are you just thinking about the money?" "No." "I do, I love it." "It's very warm." "It is warm, isn't it?" "Listen, I got to tell you something, okay?" "I have to come clean about something." "I just..." "I have to, okay?" "I can't hold this back anymore." "This sounds serious." "What is it?" "What is it?" "You were right." "You were right." "Just there, I was thinking about the money, I was," "I was thinking about the money and that's not fair." "You worked really hard on this place." "It's wrong of me." "I need to check on Bobby." "Hello, Doug." " Hi." " Nice to see you." "Hey, hi." "Listen, I need to talk to you about something, okay?" "What is it, Doug?" "Micky, my name is Micky." "I know you know that." "Call me Micky, okay?" "Last time I was here when we did the..." " Lay-down dancing?" " Yes, the lay-down dancing." "I just..." "it wasn't so good for me." " Not good for you?" " No." "Sounded like good for you when you doing it." "You sounded like a dog... a dog-food factory, all howling and humpy." "That's not what I mean." "I'm not that kind of guy." "I thought I could get away with it and I didn't." "I didn't." "Your wife, she found you out?" "You give her name of place?" "No no, that's not what I mean." "It's just..." "I'm sorry, okay?" "I'm sorry." "I came here today to tell you that I was sorry." "We shouldn't have done that, you know?" "And I'm sorry." "What's so funny?" "You..." "apologizing to me and no one ever..." "Am I missing something here?" "I don't get what's so funny." "Micky, it's too funny." "Oh my God, you are too much." "You are just too much." " Wait a minute." " All these months you come here" " and you don't want a hand job..." " Wait wait wait." "Wait a minute." "You're not Japanese?" "No, I'm Taiwanese, but I'm from Seattle." "Seattle?" "You're from Seattle?" " Born and raised." " So your name's not Sachiko?" " It's Midge." " Midge?" "Your name is Midge?" "My parents wanted me to have an American name." "So this is all just an act?" "It's good to make customer happy." "Make them all feel comfortable." "Oh, that's bullshit." "You're not mad, are you?" "I've just never had anyone come here and apologize." "I didn't apologize to you." "I said, I was sorry that we did it." "I've enjoyed coming here and getting a massage, and talking to you and you know, I got all messed up and did something I shouldn't have and blown a good thing." "That's what I'm sorry about." "If you're not comfortable I can just give you a massage, like I have been doing." "You want happy ending today?" "Maybe happy ending good for you." "Yeah, actually yeah, I do want a happy ending." "Unfortunately, I'm probably gonna have to wean myself back to monogamy." "Okay, you lay down." "I give you happy ending." "Okay." "Missy is going on the copy desk." "Staffing's sending up some potential replacements." "Do me a favor, try to pick one you don't want to see naked." "I have eight years in newspapers and I specialize in copyediting." "I'm proficient on all computer programs." "I interned at "The Tribune" for one semester." "And I feel that I'm qualified to work at this paper." "Right off the bat, I want to let you know," "I've never done this kind of thing, you know?" "But I've seen a lot of movies and stuff about the newspaper business." " Okay, you're hired." " Excuse me?" "That's it." "Good." "Done." "Okay." "My lack of experience doesn't bother you, or..." "No, you're fine." "You can get coffee, right?" "That's basically the job." "What do you mean by "get coffee"?" "Like... get coffee, or "get coffee"?" "Which one is it?" "That's like a trick question, isn't it?" "Insider terminology?" "Who gets to say "Stop the press" around here?" " Do I ever..." "I don't." " No." "So that's not..." "that's upstairs." "Okay, you know what, if you go down..." " Oh, out there?" "Okay." " Okay." "Thank you, thank you so much." "I appreciate it." "Good night." "Oh, hey, I want to print your phone sheet, but this computer will not play along here." "Oh." "It was off?" "Okay." "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" "Bye!" "Bye." "Randall, you got a minute?" "I need to ask you something." "It's not something that I should discuss with my boss, but I have a feeling that you know what it is I'm going through and I also don't know who else to talk to about this with." "It's driving me crazy." "Can I buy you dinner?" "You've known me a long time, Barnes." "You know damn well you can buy me dinner." "You ready for the bombshell?" "I had sex outside of my marriage." " Crimey, not with..." " No, not with Missy." "No, no, I didn't have sex with Missy." "No, I had sex at a Japanese massage parlor, with a Taiwanese girl, from Seattle... named Midge." "Okay, go ahead." "That all makes no sense, but what the hell, we'll move on." "The point is I don't want to be this guy, Randall." "I don't." "Don't get me wrong, I had a good time, but I went right back for some more." "Now I'm afraid I might be addicted." "I feel like I need to tell Donna." "One way to make sure I never do it again is to tell Donna." "The other way is castration, probably both be the same amount of blood." "I want to do the right thing." "That boat already left the dock." "You want to do the next right thing, keep your mouth shut." "Is that your advice?" "Women today, you know..." "l-I don't know them, I don't understand them." "Hell, in my day, the women I grew up with, they would have stormed and looted the Clinton White House." "They would've strung him up in the back from a tree." "Women today can accept an awful lot more." "I'll get it." "Hello?" "Okay, pickle ass, is she right there?" "Hey, Melvin." "Hi, how you doing?" "What's going on?" "Good, she's there, do your little speech." "I personally think a trial balloon to tell you what I already told you is asinine, but you're in charge, so go ahead and do your stuff." "Really?" "You're kidding me." "No." "No, but you're married." "A hooker?" "A hooker?" "No, I'm not judging you." "I'm just..." "I wouldn't judge you," "I'm not that kind of person." "You're worse, you're a fucking yud-yud." " Is she listening to this?" " Yes, yes, of course." "Good, is she buying it?" "Yes, yes, I'm just..." "I'm shocked." "I'm just... your wife?" "You're gonna tell your wife?" "I don't know if you should tell your wife." "I wouldn't know the answer to that question, I just..." "What?" "Don't do anything drastic!" "Don't do anything rash." "Promise me you won't do anything to hurt yourself." "No, I'm not, but I'll smack you in the back of the head next time I see you, you goddamn wack job." "Do your little dismount, and finish your speech." "I got some pool to play here." "Okay okay, well, get some sleep, Melvin." "Get some sleep, and know no matter what you decide," "I'm here for you, okay." "And I'm here for you too, cupcake." "Go fuck yourself." " That's sweet." "Bye." " My mother." "Who was that?" "That?" "Oh, that was just my friend Melvin Fishman." "Melvin Fishman?" "You have a friend called Melvin Fishman?" "Yeah, I do." "How's your work going, story gonna be good?" " Fine." " Good, okay," "I'm gonna get ready for bed." "No wait, what was that about?" "I couldn't help but overhear." "What, that in there?" "Oh, that was nothing." "Oh, c'mon, it wasn't nothing." "Your friend... he slept with a prostitute and now he's gonna tell his wife?" "Is he distraught?" "You were eavesdropping?" "Wow, that's not cool." "C'mon, who is it, who is this Melvin guy?" "Is he a good friend?" "I've never heard of him before." "Is he distraught?" "Micky, is he?" "How distraught is he?" "He's very distraught, he is, so am I." "This is very upsetting to me." "I don't know what to tell him to do." "What do you think he should do?" " You think he should tell his wife?" " I don't know." "Was it like a regular thing with this girl, or was it just a one-off?" "I don't know." "I guess it was between one-off and a regular thing." "I don't know." "I just know that the guy really really really loves his wife." "He does, he tells me that all the time." "He just really loves his wife." "Well, he can't love her that much, or he wouldn't be sleeping with prostitutes." "Is that your answer?" "Is that your answer, is that what you think I should tell him to do?" "Is that what..." "is that what you think?" "You think I should tell him that he should tell his wife?" "I don't know." "People make mistakes." "I give him some credit for being distraught, I suppose." "I'd give him a ton of credit." "I think a ton is pushing it." "He does love his wife though, he does." "Yeah, well, people make mistakes." "They do." "They do make mistakes." "And they feel really bad about things." "Like this guy, this guy's really distraught." "Yeah, so you keep saying." "I still think he should've kept his willy in his trousers though." "That way he wouldn't be on the telephone crying to his mates." "He sounds like a real wet fish, this one." " I'm glad I'm not married to him." " Yeah, me too." "All right." "I'm gonna get ready for bed." "Mick?" "Come out and see me." "Mick..." "Micky..." "Micky." "I want to say goodbye." "Is this how you end?" "You had hard years... hard on me." "But the grandchildren mellowed you." "Who would've thought you'd make such a sweet old man?" "But there is one small fly in the ointment." "Isn't there, babe?" "What are you talking about?" "I mean the masseuse you banged 40 years ago, you little Jew bastard!" "What the fuck do you think I mean?" "!" "When were you gonna get around to telling me about that?" "!" "You lowlife scumbag!" "No no no no." "Donna, settle down, settle down." "You gotta settle down, settle down." "No no no, relax, relax." "No no no, Donna." "# Sometimes people make mistakes... #" "Wait, she needs me, she needs me!" "# They play the game #" "# Play hard to get #" "# Then it all goes wrong #" "# And they end up being lonely #" "# I'm one of those people... #" "# Got me #" "# You've got me... #" " Okay, hi, good morning." " Hey." "Listen, I need you to do some research for me." " I'm on the run, or I'd do it myself." " Okay." "I need you to find a nice, romantic, quiet weekend getaway spot here in the city, someplace cozy." "Okay, what kind of place?" "I don't know, you surprise me." "To do what, I mean, for what?" "You know, go and hang out, and... have sex, you know?" "Come up with someplace you'd want to go." "The ball's in your court." " Hey." " Hey, Devon." "I'm sorry to interrupt." "Can I ask you something about Micky?" " Yeah." " What's his deal?" " His deal?" " Yeah." "I don't... nothing." "He's a little confused, but he's a good man." "Yeah, yeah." "I just ask because he just invited me to take this sexy romantic weekend with him or something." "And that's not really my style." "I should've known when he hired me." "I mean, I don't have any experience." "Thing is, I'm starting to feel like... like a little bit of a piece of meat here." "I'm feeling a little bit dirty about the whole thing right now." "'Cause, um... this hasn't happened to me since junior high." "And it's just stirred up some memories." "Not you." "My wife!" "I'm taking my wife on a romantic sexy weekend, not you!" " Jeez, get a grip!" " Oh, okay." "You know, I thought that you had said something..." "Don't think!" "No thoughts!" "Your brain needs to go white, okay?" "I was just asking Missy..." "Don't ask Missy anything!" "It's over." "You and I are not going away on a sexy weekend!" " It's over!" " Okay." "Done!" "Ahh!" "Randall, hi!" "I see you've taken care of your little problem." "Okay, great, Tilda." "Thank you so much." "Okay, bye." "We're all set, Tilda's on duty." "She's gonna take care of Bobby." "You and I, we're gonna check into a five-star hotel." "We're gonna have a romantic weekend, we're gonna do some very dirty things." "We're gonna sleep in late, we're gonna have room service, which I know for you is better than the very dirty thing..." "A romantic weekend?" "No." "No, I've been trying to be nice lately, Mick." "You have been, but so have I." "But there's way too much unsaid, we're not there, not in a place for a romantic weekend." "No, I'm sorry." "Honey, c'mon, babe, I'm talking about a five-star hotel." "Room service, Sunday morning papers from every major city in the world." " You live for this stuff." " Well, some other time, not now." "How about this, the Motel Four?" "We'll take a sack lunch, we'll read their newsletter." "I think I'm in big trouble, Kevin." "I think on some level she knows." "She has to know, that has to be it." "The fancy hotel/room service thing always worked great in the past." "This time I got nothing." "This is why I don't see myself married, Mick." "Too many ways to get yourself in trouble." "Like Jake, that poor bastard." "Some of the shit this guy gets himself into?" "How about that time he got that Ilene girl to go down on him in this booth?" "How do you even do that, man?" "How does she fit under this thing?" "He must be like a magician or something, you know?" "I mean, look, Mick." "It's not that much room down here." "Look at this shit." " There's not a lot of room under here." " Okay, c'mon, get up." "Not for a serious blowjob." "Man, what are you doing?" " She must be really tiny." " Come on, get up." "Donna, hey." "Why are you sitting alone, are you expecting someone?" " No no." " May I sit?" "Yeah yeah, sit, yeah." "I just wanted to come and find you." "I'm sorry about the way I acted at home." "I know you have good intentions about the hotel." "I just don't think we're ready." "Listen, Donna, the truth is I know how you feel, I do." "You feel like there's something I haven't told you, am I right?" "Yeah." "Well, there is." "But, the honest truth is I just felt it was something that you were better off not knowing about." "I need to know, Mick." "I need to know who you are, where you are, what you're going through." "I can't give you 100% if I feel there's something you're not telling me." " Is there someone else?" " No." "Have you strayed?" "I don't care how innocently, but I need to know." "It's a big deal to me, Mick, I need to know you haven't." "I have strayed." " You have?" " Yes." "In my mind, nowhere else." "I had this weird thing with Missy." " She invited me to her apartment..." " Did you go?" "Yes." "And then I left, nothing happened." "I left, I came home, and that's when I walked in on you and the contractor and accused you of doing something." " You were right." " No, Mick, don't tell her that." "The very next day, I went in and I replaced her on my desk." "And I hired the biggest dumbest guy assistant I could find." " Big dumb guy assistant." " He's very dumb." "And that's it, there's no more to tell." "No more." "No more." "We actually had a really nice talk, Missy and I." "And it's fine, it's over, she doesn't work for me anymore." "And the simple fact is that I love you." "I do, I'm crazy about you." "That's what the whole hotel weekend getaway thing was." "Well, I guarantee you the room service bill will be merciless." " It will make you weep." " That's fine." "Is that a yes?" "I'll see you at home." "Good night." "Good night, Kevin." "Hey, what's up?" "You can explain that one to me over the weekend." "That should give you time to come up with something good." "Hey, hey, Donna!" "Donna!" "Donna!" "Tell me again, did anything happen between you and Missy?" "No." "And you and anyone else?" "No, no." "It was all in my head, all in my mind." "It's a dangerous place, that." "# Look at me, I'm so disgusting #" "# I will never find another quite like you #" "# You make me blue #" "# With the things you do now #" "# Look at you, you're so familiar #" "# We could be so cool together #" "# All the time, could all be fine #" "# We're on the line, the line is fine #" "# Open up the window #" "# The line is fine #" "# Stepping on the ledge #" "# Aw, but don't look down #" "# Looking at the people #" "# They all look fine #" "# It's not just life or death #" "# And yesterday we talked together #" "# But tonight it's just the weather #" "# Chilling me #" "# What's the point of silly talkin'?" "#"