"It's..." "This is a frightened city." "Over these houses, over these streets, hangs a pall of fear." "Fear of a new kind of violence which is terrorising the city." "Yes, gangs of old ladies, attacking defenceless, fit young men." "Well, they come up to you and push you." "Shove you off the pavement, like." "There's usually four or five of them." "This was a nice neighbourhood before the old ladies started moving in." "Nowadays, some of us daren't even go to the shops." "Well, Mr Johnson's son Kevin don't go out no more." "He comes back from wrestling and stays in his room." "What are they in it for, these old hoodlums, these layabouts in lace?" "Well, it's something to do, isn't it?" "It's good fun!" "It's like..." "You know?" "Well..." "Innit?" "Eh?" "Favourite targets for the old ladies are telephone kiosks." "Well, come on." "Off with you." "Clear out." "Go on." "Get out of it!" "We have a lot of trouble with oldies." "Pension day's the worst." "They go mad!" "Soon as they get their money, they blow it on milk, tea, meat for the cat..." "Well, of course, come the 2 o'clock matinee, all hell breaks out in there." "Especially if it's something like The Sound of Music." "We get seats ripped, hearing aids broken, that sort of thing..." "The whole problem of these senile delinquents" "lies in their complete rejection of the values of contemporary society." "They've seen their children grow up and become accountants, stockbrokers and even sociologists." "They begin to wonder is at all really..." "Well, we sometimes feel we're to blame for what our gran's become." "I mean, she used to be happy here, until she started on the crochet." " Crochet?" " Yeah." "Now she can't do without." "20 balls of wool a day." "Otherwise, she gets violent." "What can we do?" "This is not just an old ladies' town." "There are other equally dangerous gangs, such as "the baby-snatchers"." "I left my husband while I did some shopping." "I came back and he was gone!" "He was only 47!" "And on the roads, too, vicious gangs of keep-left signs." "Right." "Stop it." "This film's got silly." "It was a nice idea about grannies attacking young men, but now it's got silly." "His hair's too long for a vicar, too." "And those signs are pretty badly made." "Right." "Now for a change of mood." "Hello, children." "Hello." "Here is this morning's story." "Are you ready?" "Then we'll begin." "One day, Ricky the magic pixie went to visit Daisy Bumble in her tumble-down cottage." "He found her in the bedroom." "Roughly, he grabbed her shoulders, pulling her onto the bed and ripping off her..." "Old Nick, the sea captain, was a rough, tough, jolly fellow." "He loved life on the sea and hanging out by the pier, where the men dressed as ladies?" "!" "Oh!" "Er..." "Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky-Twinky Shop, in the magic oak tree, by the wobbly dum-dum bush, in the shade of the magic glade, down in Dingly Dell." "Here, he sold contraceptives..." "Discipline...?" "Naked...?" "With a melon?" "!" "Benedictus benedica..." "Christum dominum..." "Benedictus!" "Benedica!" "Christum!" "Dominum!" "Dos!" "Whoo-hoo!" "Hello, good evening and welcome to another edition of 'lt's the Arts'." "We kick off tonight with the cinema." "Good evening." "One of the most prolific film producers of this age - or indeed, any age - is Sir Edward Ross." "Back after five years for a season of his works at the National Film Theatre." "We are fortunate to have him this evening." "Good evening." "Edward..." "You don't mind if I call you Edward?" "No, not at all." "Only it does worry some people, a little sensitive, so I do ask on these occasions." " No, that's fine." " So, Edward's all right." "Splendid." " Sorry to bring it up, only..." " No." "Edward it is." "Well, thank you very much for being so helpful." " It's more than my job's worth..." " Quite." "Yes." "Makes it difficult to put the other person at ease." " Quite." " Yes." "Silly point, but it matters." "Still..." "Less said, the better." "Erm..." "Ted, when you first started in the..." " You don't mind "Ted"?" " No, no." "Everyone calls me Ted." "Well, it's shorter..." "and much less formal." " Ted, Edward..." "Anything." " Splendid, splendid." "Incidentally, do call me Tom." "None of this Thomas nonsense." "Now..." "Where were we?" " Oh, yes." "Eddie-baby, when..." " Sorry!" "I'm sorry!" "I don't like being called Eddie-baby." "I'm sorry?" "I don't like being called Eddie-baby." " I called you Eddie-baby?" " Yes." "Get on with it." " I don't think I did." " You did." " Did I call him Eddie-baby?" " Yes!" "No..." "I didn't really, did I, sweetie?" " Don't call me sweetie!" " Sugar plum?" " No!" " Pussycat?" "Angel drawers?" " No!" "Get on with it!" " Frank?" " What?" " Can I call you Frank?" " Why Frank?" " It's a nice name." "Robin Day's got a hedgehog called Frank." "Now, Frank..." " What's going on?" " Little Franny-poo..." "No, I'm leaving." "I'm off!" "Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward." "What?" "Tell us about your latest film, if you'd be so kind, Sir Edward." "None of this pussycat nonsense?" "Promise." "Please..." " My latest film?" " Yes, Sir Edward." "Well, the idea, funnily enough, came when I first joined the industry in 1919." "Of course, I was only a tea-boy..." "Oh, shut up!" "I'd like to meet someone... of superior intelligence." "The stuff of history is indeed woven in the woof." "Pearl Harbor." "There are pages in history which are written on the grand scale." "Events so momentous that they dwarf man and time alike." "And such is the battle of Pearl Harbor, re-enacted for us now by the women of Batley Women's Guild." "Miss Rita Fairbanks, you organised this." "Why?" "Well, we've always been interested in modern drama." "We were the first Women's Guild to perform 'Camp On Blood Island'." "And last year we did a re-enactment of 'Nazi War Atrocities'." "So, this year we thought we'd do something in a lighter vein." " So you chose Pearl Harbor?" " Yes, that's right." "We did." "I see you're ready, so good luck in your latest venture." "Thank you very much, young man." "Ladies and gentlemen, 'The World Of History' proudly presents the premiere of the Batley Women's Guild re-enactment of the battle of Pearl Harbor." "Oh, I like that!" "I want to get one for myself, peachy-face." "This is the police, Percy." "Come out with your hands up and there'll be no trouble." "You'll never take me alive, copper!" "Oh..." "All right." " Start!" "Good evening, course." " Evening." "Where's the others, then?" " Not here." " I can see that." "Why?" "Dunno." " Perhaps they've got flu." " Flu?" "Flu?" "They've been eating too much fresh fruit." "Right!" "Now, self-defence." "Tonight, I'll carry on from last week, when I showed you how to defend yourself against anyone who attacks you with a piece of fresh fruit." "You promised no fruit this week." " What?" " We've done it for nine weeks." " What's wrong with fruit, eh?" " Can't we do something else?" "Like someone with a pointed stick?" "Pointed sticks?" "!" "Oh!" "We want to learn how to defend against pointed sticks, do we?" "Getting all high and mighty, eh?" "Fresh fruit not good enough for you, eh?" "Oh!" "Well, I'll tell you something, my lad..." "When you're walking home tonight and some maniac attacks you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me!" "Right!" "The passion fruit." "When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit thusly..." "We've done passion fruit." " What?" " We've done the passion fruit." "We've done oranges, apples, grapefruits..." " Whole and segments." " Pomegranates, greengages..." " Grapes, passion fruits..." " Lemons..." " Plums..." " And mangos in syrup." " Cherries?" " We've done them." " Red and black?" " Yes." "All right, then..." "Bananas." "We haven't done them, have we?" "Right!" "Bananas!" "How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana." "Here." "You, take this." "Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against the banana fiend." "First of all, you force him to drop the banana." "Next, you eat the banana, thus disarming him." " You now render him helpless." " Suppose he has a bunch?" "Shut up!" " Suppose he's got a pointed stick?" " Shut up!" "Now..." " You, Mr Apricot..." " Harrison." "Mr Harrison, come at me with that banana." "Attack me, hard as you like." "Come on!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Put something into it, for God's sake!" "Hold it like that." "Scream." "Now, come on." "Come on, attack me." "Come on!" "Now..." "Now I eat the banana." " He's dead." "He's completely dead!" " You shot him!" "I have now eaten the banana." "The deceased, Mr Apricot, is now disarmed." "You shot him!" "You shot him dead!" " He attacked me!" " You told him to!" "I have to show you how to defend yourself against fresh fruit." " And pointed sticks." " Shut up!" "Supposing someone has a banana and you haven't got a gun?" " Run for it." " You could scream for help." "Yeah, you try with a pineapple down your windpipe." " Pineapple?" " Where?" "No, I just said pineapple." " I thought my number was on that." " On the pineapple?" " Where?" " I just repeated it." "Oh, I see." "Right, that's the banana, then." "Next, the raspberry." "Harmless-looking, isn't it?" " You, Mr Tinned Peach." " Thompson." "Mr Thompson." "Come at me with that raspberry." " Be vicious." " No." " Why not?" " You'll shoot me." " I won't." " You shot him." "That was self-defence." "I promise I won't shoot you." "You promised to tell us about pointed sticks." "Shut up!" "Now, brandish that raspberry!" "Come on!" "Vicious as you like!" " Come on!" " Throw the gun away." " I haven't got a gun." " You have." " I haven't." " You shot him with it." "Oh..." "That gun." " Throw it away." " All right." "How to defend yourself against a raspberry without a gun." " You were going to shoot me!" " I wasn't!" " You were!" " I wasn't." "Come on, you worm!" "You miserable little man." "Come on, then!" "Come on, do your worst, worm!" "If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, simply pull the lever and the weight will drop on his head." "I learned that in Malaya." "Suppose you have no 16-ton weight?" "Well, that's planning, isn't it?" "Forethought." "Well, how many 16-ton weights are there?" "Look..." "Look, smarty-pants, the 16-ton weight is just one way - just one way - of killing the raspberry killer." " There are millions." " Like?" "Shooting him." "Well, suppose you haven't got a gun or a..." "All right, clever dick." "You two, come at me with raspberries." "There." "A whole basket." "Come at me, then." " No gun?" " No." " No 16-ton weight?" " No." " No pointed stick?" " Shut up!" " No rocks in the ceiling?" " No!" " You won't kill us?" " I won't." " Promise?" " I promise." "Now, attack me." "All right..." "Don't rush me this time." "I'll turn my back, so you can stalk me, right?" "Come up as quietly as you can behind me, then in with the raspberries, right?" "Start moving." "Now, the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with raspberries is to release the tiger." "The advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that it not only eats the raspberry-laden foe, but also the raspberries." "The tiger, however, does not relish the peach." "The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile." "Right!" "Now, the rest of you, I know you're there," "Iurking under the floorboards with your damsons and your prunes, hiding behind the wall-bars with your quinces." "Well, I'm ready for you." "I've wired myself up to 200 tons of gelignite, and if any of you try anything, we'll all go up together." "I warned you!" "I warned you!" "Right, that's it!" "Say, have I shown you my last operation?" "Now, we've got to find that tumour." "A-ha!" "Now, where does it go?" "It's..." "No, no..." "Bloody hell!" "Inspector?" "Inspector?" "I'm sorry." "I was sitting over there, took my coat off, and then I found my wallet had been stolen and L15 taken." "Well, did you see anyone take it?" "Anyone hanging around or..." "No." "No-one at all." "That's the trouble." "Well, there's not very much we can do about that, sir." "Do you want to come back to my place?" "Yeah, all right." "Is your wife a...a goer?" "Eh?" "Know what I mean?" "Nudge-nudge." "Say no more." " I beg your pardon?" " Your wife, does she...go?" "Eh?" "Eh?" "Nudge-nudge." "Say no more." " She sometimes goes." " I bet she does!" "Know what I mean?" "Nudge-nudge." " Sorry, I don't follow you." " Follow me!" "That's good." "A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat." " Are you trying to sell something?" " Selling!" "Very good!" "Oh!" "Wicked!" "You're wicked, eh?" "Know what I mean?" "Nudge-nudge." "Nudge-nudge..." "Say no more!" " Listen..." " Strewth!" "Your wife..." "Is she a sport, eh?" " She likes sport, yes." " I bet she does!" "She's fond of cricket, actually." "Who isn't, eh?" "Know what I mean?" "Likes games?" "Likes games?" "Knew she would." "She's been around, eh?" "Been around?" "She's travelled." "She's from Purley." "Oh!" "Say no more!" "Purley!" "Say no more!" "Purley!" "Eh?" "Know what I mean?" "Say no more." "You wife interested in, er... photographs, eh?" "Know what I mean?" "Photographs?" "He asked him knowingly." " Photography?" " Yes." "Nudge-nudge, snap-snap, grin-grin, wink-wink, say no more." " Holiday snaps?" " Could be taken on holiday, yes." "Swimming costumes, know what I mean?" "Candid photography, nudge-nudge." " No." "We don't have a camera." " Oh, still..." "Wooooaar!" "Eh?" "Wooooaaaaar!" "Eh?" "Look, are you insinuating something?" "Oh!" "Oh-ho-ho..." "Oh!" " Yes." " Well?" "." "Well, I mean, you're a man of the world, aren't you?" "You've been there, haven't you?" "You've been around, eh?" " What do you mean?" " Well, I mean, like, you've..." "You've done it." "I mean, you know..." "You've slept...with a lady." " Yes." " What's it like?" "Next, please." "Er, one at a time, please." "There is only me, sir." "So there is." "Take a, erm..." " Seat?" " Seat!" "Seat!" "Take a seat." "So, you want to join my expedition, do you?" " Me, sir?" " Yes." " Yes, very much, sir." " Jolly good." "And how about you?" "There is only me, sir." "Well, bang goes his application, then." "Now, let me fill you in." "I'm leading this expedition, and we're going to climb both peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro." "I thought there was only one peak, sir?" "Well, that'll save a bit of time." "Well, now, the object of this expedition is to see if we can find last year's expedition." " Last year's?" " Yes, my brother lead that." "They were going to build a bridge between the two peaks." "My idea, I'm afraid." "Now, I ought to tell you that I have everyone I need, so what special qualifications do you have?" " Well, sir..." " Yes, you first." " There is only me." " Not you." "Carry on." "Well, I'm a fully-qualified mountaineer." "Mountaineer?" "Mountaineer..." "Mound..." "Mountain..." "A mountaineer... "Two men skilled in climbing mountains"." "My God, that'll be useful." "Well, you're in." "Congratulations..." "Both of you." "Now, what are your names?" "Arthur Wilson." "Arthur Wilson." "Well, I'll call you Arthur Wilson 1, and you Arthur Wilson 2, just to avoid confusion." "Are you actually leading this expedition, sir?" "Yes, we are leading this expedition to Africa." "And what routes are you both taking?" "Good questions." "Shall I?" "Fine." "Well, we'll be leaving on January 22, taking the following routes - the A23s, through Purleys, down the main roads near Purbrights, avoiding Leatherheads, and then taking the A231s, entering Rottingdeans from the north." "From Rottingdeans, we go through Africa to Nairobis, we take the south road out of Nairobis for about 12 miles and then ask." "Does anyone speak Swahili, sir?" "Oh, I think most of them do down there." " Does anyone in our party, sir?" " Matron has a smattering." " Apart from the two matrons..." " Good God, I forgot about her!" "Who else is coming, sir?" "Well, we've got the Arthur Brown twins, er... two botanists called Maychin, the William Johnston brothers..." " Two of them?" " No, four." "Pair of identical twins." "And two of the Spinosa quads." "And, of course, you two." " And none are mountaineers?" " You two are." "And we have a brace of guides called Blenkinsop, because Kilimanjaro's pretty tricky, you know?" "Most of it's up, till you reach the top, and then it slopes away rather sharply." "But Jimmy's put his heads together and found a way up." "Jimmy?" "I don't believe you've met." "Arthur Wilson, Jimmy Blenkinsop." "Jimmy Blenkinsop 2, Arthur Wilson 2." "Carry on, Jimmy." "Don't worry about the..." "We'll get him up somehow." "Now, the approach to Kilimanjaro is simply over the foothills, then we set up a base camp somewhere in the bottom of the glacier." "After the glacier, we'll find... ..and, of course, we'll have a rather difficult..." "He'll be leading the first assault." "Well, I'm not coming on your expedition, as I've absolutely no confidence in anyone involved in it!" "Oh, dear." "Well, how about you?" "Well, I'm game, sir." "So are we." "And now for something completely different..." " It's nice here." " Three stars." "Really?" "Good evening, sir." "Good evening, madam." "May I say what a pleasure it is to see you again, sir?" "There you are, dear." "Have a look." "Anything you like?" "The boeuf en croute is fantastic." "If I may suggest, sir, the pheasant." "The sauce is one of the chef's most famous creations." "That sounds good." "Anyway, just take your time." "Oh, I've got a dirty fork." "Could you get another?" " I beg your pardon?" " Er..." "It's nothing." "My fork's a bit dirty." "Could you get another one?" " Oh, sir, I apologise!" " Oh, doesn't worry me." "Oh, no!" "I do apologise!" "I will fetch the head waiter immediatement!" " No need..." " No, the head waiter, he will want to apologise." "I will fetch him at once." " Well, you get good service." " They look after you, yes." "Excuse me, sir, madam." "It's filthy!" "Find out who washed this and fire them immediately!" " Er..." "No..." " Better still, sack the entire washing up staff!" " I don't want to make trouble." " No." "No trouble." "It's right that you point it out." "Gaston!" "Tell the manager immediately!" "Look..." "No..." "I don't want to cause any fuss." "Please, it's no fuss." "We simply wish to ensure that nothing interferes with your enjoyment of the meal." "It was only a dirty fork." "I know..." "And I'm sorry." "Bitterly sorry." "But I know that no apologies can alter the fact that in our restaurant, you have been given a dirty... filthy, smelly piece of cutlery." " It wasn't smelly." " It was smelly!" "Disgusting!" "I hate it!" "I hate it!" "Nasty, dirty, mangy..." "That will do, Gilberto." "Gilberto..." "Good evening, sir." "Good evening, madam." "I'm the manager." "I've only just heard." " May I sit down?" " Yes." "Of course." "I want to apologise humbly, deeply and sincerely about the fork." "No, please." "It was only tiny..." "Just..." "Couldn't see it." "Oh, you are good, kind people for saying that." "But I can see it." "It's like a mountain, a vast bowl of pus!" " It's not as bad as that." " It gets me here!" "I can't give you any excuses." "There are no excuses." "I've been meaning to spend more time here recently, but I haven't been well and things aren't going very well back there." "The cook's son has been put away again, and poor Mrs Dalrymple, who washes up, can hardly move her fingers." "And then there's Gilberto's war wound..." "But they're good people..." "And they're kind people..." "And together, we were beginning to get over this dark patch." "There was light at the end of the tunnel!" "When this..." "When this happened!" "Could I get you some water?" "It's the end of the road!" "You bastards!" "Sorry?" "You vicious, heartless bastards!" "Look what you've done to him!" "He's worked his fingers to the bone to make this place what it is!" "And you come in with your petty, feeble quibbling!" "And you grind him into the dirt, this fine, honourable man, who's boots you are not worthy to kiss." "Oh, it makes me mad." "Mad!" " Mad..." " Easy, Mungo." "Easy." " Mungo..." "Ah!" "The war wound!" " The wound!" " It's the end!" " Oh, they've destroyed him!" "The end!" "Aaaaaargh!" "He's dead!" "They killed him!" "Revenge!" " Revenge!" " No, Mungo!" "Mungo..." "Never kill a customer." "Oh, the wound!" "Revenge!" "Lucky we didn't say anything about the dirty knife." "No!" "Come on!" "No!" "Good morning." "I am a bank robber." "Please don't panic." "Just hand over all your money." "This is a lingerie shop, sir." "Fine, fine..." "Fine." "Adopt, adapt and improve - motto of the Round Table." "Well, erm..." "What have you got?" "We've got corsets, stockings, suspender belts, tights, bras, slips, petticoats, knickers, socks and garters, sir." "Fine." "Fine." "Fine." "Fine." "Erm..." "No large piles of money in safes?" " No, sir." " No deposit accounts?" " No, sir." " No cash in carrier bags?" "None at all, sir." " No luncheon vouchers?" " No, sir." "Fine." "Fine." "Well, erm..." "Adopt, adapt and improve." "Just a pair of knickers, then, please." "# Vocational Guidance Counsellor" "# Vocational Guidance Counsellor" "# Vocational Guidance Counsellor" "Ah, Mr Anchovy!" "Do sit down." "Thank you." "Take the weight off the feet, eh?" "Lovely weather, I must say." "Enough of this gay banter." "Now, Mr Anchovy, you asked us which job you were best suited for." " Correct." " Well, I have the results of the aptitude tests you took last week, and have a clear picture of the sort of person you are." "And I can say without fear of contradiction that your ideal job is chartered accountancy." "But I am a chartered accountant." "Jolly good!" "Back to the office with you, then!" "No, no!" "You don't understand." "I've been an accountant for 20 years." "I want something exciting that will let me live." "Well, accountancy's rather exciting, isn't it?" "Exciting?" "!" "No, it's not!" "It's dull, dull, dull!" "My God, it's dull!" "It's so desperately dull and tedious and stuffy and boring and desperately dull!" "Well, yes, Mr Anchovy, but you see, your report says that you are an extremely dull person." "You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful." "And whereas in most professions these are considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they're a positive boon." "Don't you see?" "I want a new job, a new life, a new meaning to my existence." "Can't you help?" " Have you any ideas?" " Yes." " What?" " Lion taming!" "Yes, yes..." "Of course, it's a bit of a jump, isn't it?" "Chartered accountancy to lion taming in one go." "You don't think you should work towards lion taming?" " Say via banking?" " No!" "I don't want to wait!" "At nine o'clock tomorrow, I want to be taming." " Do you have any qualifications?" " Yes, I've got a hat." " A hat?" " Yes, a lion-taming hat." "A hat saying "lion tamer" from Harrods." "It lights up, saying "lion tamer" in neon letters," " so you can tame after dark..." " I see." "And you can claim reasonable wear and tear, as professional expenses under paragraph 335..." "Yes, yes." "I follow, Mr Anchovy, but you see, the snag is if I now call Mr Chipperfield and say to him," ""Look, I've got a 45-year-old accountant with me" ""who wants to be a lion tamer."" "His first question won't be "Does he have a hat?"" "He'll ask what experience you've had with lions." "Well, I've seen them at the zoo." " Good, good." " Little brown things, with short legs and long noses." "I don't know what the fuss is about." "They look pretty tame to start with." "And these lions, how high are they?" "Well, about so high." "They don't frighten me at all." " Really?" "And do they eat ants?" " Yes, that's right." "Mm-hmm..." "Er, well, Mr Anchovy," "I'm afraid what you have there is an anteater." " A what?" " An anteater." "Not a lion." "A lion is a huge savage beast, about 5' high, 10' long, weighing about 400lbs, running at 40mph, with masses of sharp, pointed teeth and nasty long, razor-sharp claws" "that'd rip you open before you can say Eric Robinson." "And they look like this." "Raaarrrgh!" "Aaaaaaaaah!" "Time enough, I think, for a piece of wood." "The Larch." "Now, shall I call Mr Chipperfield?" "No, I think your idea of making the transition in easy stages," " say, via insurance..." " Or banking." "Banking!" "Banking, yes!" "Yes, that's a man's life, isn't it?" "Banking..." "Travel, excitement, adventure, thrills, decisions affecting people's lives..." "Jolly good." "Shall I put you in touch with a bank?" "Yes..." "Er, no!" "No, no..." "Look, it's a big decision." "I'd like to think about it." "Mustn't jump in too quickly." "Maybe three weeks." "I could say definitely then." "I don't want to..." "Well, this is just one of the many cases on our books of chartered accountancy." "The only way we can fight this terrible debilitating social disease is by informing the general public of its consequences, by showing young people..." "..that it's just not worth it." "So, please, give generously to this address." " Good afternoon." " 'Afternoon." "Ah, lovely day, isn't it?" "'Tis that." "Are you here on holiday or...?" " No, no." "I live here." " Oh, jolly good." "I say, those are sheep, aren't they?" " Ar." " Yes, of course." "I thought so." "Only...why are they up in the trees?" "A fair question, one that in recent weeks has been much on my mind." "It's my considered opinion that they're nesting." "Nesting?" "What, like birds?" "Ar." "Exactly." "Birds is the key to the whole problem." "It's my belief that these sheep are labouring under the misapprehension that they're birds." "Observe their behaviour." "Take the sheep's tendency to hop about on their back legs." "Now witness their attempts to fly from tree to tree." "Notice they do not so much fly as plummet." "Observe, for example, that ewe in that oak tree." "She is trying to teach her lamb to fly." "Talk about the blind leading the blind." " Why do they think they're birds?" " Another fair question." "One thing's for sure, a sheep is not a creature of the air." "It has enormous difficulty in the simple act of perching." "As you see." "As for flight, its body is totally unadapted to aviation." "Trouble is...sheep are very dim." "Once they get an idea in their heads, there's no shifting it." "Where did they get the idea?" "From Harold." "That sheep over there, under the elm." "He's that most dangerous of animals, a clever sheep." "He's the ringleader." "He's realised that the sheep's life consists of standing around for a few months and then being eaten." "That's a depressing prospect for an ambitious sheep." "He's patently hit on the idea of escape." "Why don't you just get rid of Harold?" "Because of the enormous commercial possibilities should he succeed." "This man is no ordinary man." "This is Mr FG Superman." "To all appearances, no different to any other law-abiding citizen." "But Mr FG Superman has a secret identity." "When trouble strikes - at any time, at any place - he is ready to become Bicycle Repair Man." "Ooooh!" "Hey!" "There's a bicycle broken!" "Up the road!" "Thinks." "This sounds like a job for Bicycle Repair Man, but how to change without revealing my secret identity...?" "If only Bicycle Repair Man were here." "Oh, yeah." "Wait." "I think I know where I can find him." "Look." "Over there." "Bicycle Repair Man?" "!" "But how?" "Look!" " Is it a stockbroker?" " Is it a church warden?" "No, it's Bicycle Repair Man!" "Why, Bicycle Repair Man!" "Thank goodness you've come." "Look." "Why, he's mending it with his own hands!" "See how he uses a spanner to tighten that nut." "Bicycle Repair Man, how can I ever repay you?" "Well, you don't need to, guv." "It's all right." "It's all in a day's work for Bicycle Repair Man." "Our hero!" "Yes, wherever bicycles are broken or menaced by international communism," "Bicycle Repair Man is ready." "Ready to smash communists, wipe them out... and shove them off the face of the earth." "Mash the dirty red scum!" "Kick 'em in the teeth where it hurts!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "Filthy bastard commies!" "I hate 'em!" "I hate 'em!" "Aaaaaarrrgh!" "Aaaaaaarrrrgh!" "Tea's ready." "Coming, dear." "Hey, did you see that?" "Hmm?" "Did you see somebody pass the window?" " What?" " Somebody just passed the window." "That way." "Oh!" "Another one!" " Hmm?" " Another went past, downwards." "What?" "Two people have just fallen to an almost certain death!" "Fine, fine..." "Fine." "Look, two people...three people have just fallen past that window." " Must be a board meeting." " Oh, yeah." "Hey, that was Wilkins of Finance." " No, Robertson." " Wilkins." " Robertson." " Wilkins." "Robertson." " That was Wilkins." " That was Wilkins." "He was a good golfer, Wilkins." "Very good golfer, very good golfer." "Rotten at finance." " It'll be Parkinson next." " Bet you it won't." "How much?" "What?" "How much do you bet?" "Fiver?" "All right." " Done." " You're on." "Fine." "Come on, Parky." " Don't do it, Parky." " Come on, Parky." " Be sensible." " Jump off!" "Dear Sir, I want to complain about the previous sketch." "I work in such a building and never..." "Aaaaahhhh!" " Parkinson!" " Johnson!" "My God, this is terrible." "Will somebody please stop it?" "Righto, sir." "Let's try it this way." "Alakazam!" "Alakazam!" "Abracadabra!" "Alakazam!" "Alakazam!" "Abracadabra!" "Yoo-hoo!" "And now for something completely different." "A man with three buttocks." "Good evening." "I have with me Mr Arthur Frampton who has..." "Mr Frampton, I understand that you, as it were, have..." "Let me put it another way, Mr Frampton, er..." "Whereas most people have two..." "Two..." "You..." "You..." "I'm sorry." "Yes, yes." "I see." "Are you quite comfortable?" "Yes, fine, thank you." "Mr Frampton... vis-a-vis your rump..." "I beg your pardon!" " Your rump." " What?" "Your, er...posterior..." "Derriere..." "Sit-upon..." " What's that?" " Buttocks." "Oh, my bum!" "Well, Mr Frampton, I understand that you have a 50% bonus in the region of what you say." " I've got three cheeks." " Yes." "Splendid." "We were wondering if you could see your way clear..." " What's that camera doing?" " Nothing at all." "We were wondering if you could see your way clear to giving a quick... a quick visual..." "Mr Frampton, will you take your trousers down?" "What?" "!" "Get off!" "I'm not taking my trousers off on television!" " Please." "Just a bit." " No!" "Now, look here, Mr Frampton, it's perfectly easy for someone to come to the BBC, simply claiming they have a bit to spare in the botty department." "The point is our viewers need proof." "I've been on Persian radio..." "Get off!" "Arthur Fideas knows I've got three buttocks." " How?" " We go cycling together." "Strewth!" "And now for something completely different." "A man with three buttocks." "Good evening." "I have with me Mr Arthur Frampton, who..." "Mr Frampton..." "I understand that you, as it were, have, er..." "Let me put it another way..." "I believe that whereas most people..." " Didn't we do this just now?" " Yes." " Why didn't you say?" " Isn't it the continental version?" "Albatross!" "Albatross!" " Albatross?" " Two choc ices, please." "I haven't got choc ices." "I've only got the albatross." " Albatross!" " What flavour is it?" "It's a bird, innit?" "It's a sea bird!" "It's not any bloody flavour!" "Albatross!" "Do you get wafers with it?" "'Course you don't get bloody wafers with it!" "Albatross!" " How much is it?" " Nine pence." "Two, please." "Gannet on a stick!" "Oh, Dad!" "Look who's come to see us!" "It's our Ken." "Aye, and about bloody time, if you ask me." " Aren't you pleased to see me?" " Of course he is, Ken." "All right, woman." "All right." "I've got a tongue in my head." "I'll do t'talking." "I like your fancy suit." "Is that what they wear up in Yorkshire now?" "It's just an ordinary suit, Father." "It's all I've got, apart from the overalls." " How's the mine, Ken?" " It's OK, Mum." "We're using tungsten carbide drills for the preliminary operations." "That sounds nice, dear." "Tungsten carbide drills?" "What the bloody hell's tungsten carbide drills?" "It's something used in coal mining, Father." ""Something used in coal mining, Father"" "All fancy talk, since you left London." "Oh, not that again." "He's had a hard day, dear." "His new play opens tomorrow." "Oh, that's good." "Good?" "Good?" "What do you know about it?" "What do you know about flying to Paris, in the Old Vic for drinks at 12, press and television interviews, then back to the problem of an homosexual, nymphomaniac drug addict involved in the murder of a footballer?" "That's a full working day, lad, and don't you forget it!" "Oh, don't shout, Father." "Hampstead wasn't good enough for you, was it?" "You had to go poncing off to Barnsley." "You and your coal-mining friends." "Coal mining is a wonderful thing, Father." "But you'll never understand." "Look at you." "Oh, Ken, be careful." "You know what he's like after a few novels." "Come on, lad." "Come on." "Out wi' it." "What's wrong wi' me?" "You tit!" "I'll tell you." "Your heads addled with novels and poems." "You come home reeling of Chateau Le Tour." "And look at Mother." "She's worn out with meeting film stars and giving gala luncheons." "There's nowt wrong with gala luncheons, lad!" "I've had more gala luncheons than you've had hot dinners." " Oh, please..." " Agh!" " Oh, no!" " What is it?" "It's his writer's cramp." " You never told me." " We didn't like to, Kenny." "Just get him out of here." "Oh, Ken." "You better go." " All right." " After all we've done." "One day you'll realise life's more than culture." "There's dirt and smoke..." " Get out, you labourer!" " ..and good honest sweat!" "Hey, I think there's a play there." " Get agent on t'phone." " You're right, Frank." "It could express a vital theme of our age." "Oh, shut up!" "Shut up!" "Right." "That's better." "Now something completely different, a man with three buttocks." " We've done that!" " Oh, all right!" "A man with...nine legs." " He ran away." " Oh, bloody hell!" "Er..." "A Scotsman on a horse." "Would you..." "Would you mind terribly if... if I held your hand?" "Oh!" "Oh, no, not at all." "Oh, lris, you're so very beautiful." "Oh!" "Do you really mean that?" "Yes, I do, I do." "I think I'm falling in love with you." " Oh, Victor." " Silly, isn't it?" "No." "No, not at all, dear, sweet Victor." "No, I didn't mean that." "Just us being together for so long in the soft toy department," " yet never daring to..." " Oh..." "Oh, Victor..." "Oh, lris..." " Who can that be?" " Try and get rid of them." "I will, yes." "Won't be a moment." " Hello!" " Hello?" " Remember me?" " Er, no..." "In the pub?" "The tall one with the moustache?" "Remember?" " No, I..." " About three years ago?" "Blimey, it's dark." "That's better." "You said to have a drink some time, so I took you up on it, as the film society meeting was cancelled." " Look, to be frank..." " Hello, I'm Arthur Name." "Name by name, but not by nature." "I always say that." "Eh, Viccy-boy?" " Is that your wife?" " Er, no, actually..." "I get the picture!" "Well, don't worry about me," " I've had one-night stands." " I beg your pardon?" "!" "Mind if I change the record?" " We put that on!" " Here's one." "What's brown and sounds like a bell?" "." " I beg your pardon?" "!" " What's brown and sounds like a bell?" "." "Dung!" "It's a good one, that." "Won't keep you long." "That's better." "Don't worry about me, I'll wait here till you're finished." "Who the hell's that?" "It'll be friends of mine." "I invited them along." "We're having a quiet evening alone!" "They won't mind." "They're very broad-minded." " Hello!" " Good evening." "Good evening." "My name is Equator, Brian Equator." "Like round the Earth, only with an L." "This is my wife Audrey." "She smells a bit, but has a heart of gold." "There's some mistake." "This is number..." " Who's that, then?" "Who's the bird?" " Er..." "Um..." "You've got a nice pair there." "Come on, give us a kiss!" "Shut up." "Only a bit of fun." " Now, look here..." " Big gin, please." " I'll get it." " Leave those drinks alone!" "Three cans of beans, please!" " I told you to lay off, you whore!" " Only three cans!" "Button your lip, you rat-bag!" "Was rather witty, wasn't it?" "Where's my gin?" " Who the hell's that?" "!" " Oh, I invited an old friend along." "His wife just passed away, poor chap." " Hope you don't mind." " Well, I..." "My God!" "What a simply ghastly place!" "Not too good." "A pint of creme de menthe for my friend." "Well, how are you, you great poof?" "Bit lumpy..." "Oh, no wonder, I was sitting on the cat." "I brought along this simply gorgeous little man I picked up." "Is he sexy, then?" "I had to bring the goat." "He's not well." "I only hope he don't go on the carpet." "Come on, then, love." "Drop 'em." "Blimey." "Don't go much, do she?" "Ooh, I wet 'em." "The goat's done a bundle." "Get out, all of you!" "Go on, get out!" "Get out!" "I beg your pardon?" "I'm not having my house filled with perverts!" "I'll give you a minute to get out!" "I don't like the tone of your voice." "Right, let's have a ding-dong." "# Ding-dong, merrily on high # ln heaven the bells are ringing" "# Ding-dong, verily the sky # ls filled with angels singing" "# Glor-or-or-or-or-or-ia" "# Hosannah in excelsis #" "This man is Ernest Scribbler, writer of jokes." "In a moment, he will write the funniest joke in the world." "And, as a consequence, he will die laughing." "It was obvious that this joke was lethal." "No one could read it and live." "This morning, shortly after 11 o'clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road - sudden, violent comedy." "Police have sealed off the area." "Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now." "I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke." "I shall be aided by the sound of sombre gramophone records, and also by the chanting of laments by the men of Q Division." "The atmosphere thus created should protect me, in the eventuality of me reading the joke." "# Oh-oh-oh..." "Oh-oh-oh...." "# Whoooooooaaa... #" "Well, there goes a brave man." "Whether he comes out or not, this will be remembered as one of the most courageous acts in police history..." "It was not long before the army saw the potential of the killer joke." "Under top security, the joke was hurried to allied commanders at the Ministry of War." "Top brass were impressed." "Tests on Salisbury Plain confirmed the joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of 50 yards." "Fantastic!" "All through the winter of '43, we had translators working in joke-proof conditions to try and produce a German version of the joke." "They worked on one word each for greater safety." "One of them saw two words and spent several weeks in hospital." "Apart from that, things went pretty quickly." "And we had the joke in a form which our troops couldn't understand, but which the Germans could." "So, on July 8th, 1944, the joke was first told to the enemy in the Ardennes." "Squad...get ready joke!" "Squad...tell the joke!" "Wenn ist das Nunstuck git und Slotemeyer." "Ja!" "Bierhund das Oder die Flippenwaldt gerspudt." "It was a fantastic success." "Over 60,000 times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke." "And one which Hitler just couldn't match." "In action, it was deadly." "Wenn ist das Nunstuck git und Slotemeyer." "Ja!" "Bierhund..." "German casualties were appalling." "Vat is da big joke?" "I can only give you name, rank and why did the chicken cross the road?" "Zat's not funny!" "I vant to know ze joke." "All right..." "How do you make a Nazi Cross?" "I don't know, how do you make a Nazi Cross?" "Tread on his corns." "Gott im Himmel!" "Zat's not funny!" "Now, if you don't tell me ze joke," "I shall hit you properly." " I can stand physical pain." " Ach!" "You're no fun." "All right, Otto..." " No!" "Anything but that, please!" " Tickle him." "All right." "I'll tell you." "Quick, Otto." "Ze typewriter." "Wenn ist das Nunstuck git und Slotemeyer." "Ja!" "Bierhund das Oder die Flippenwaldt gerspudt." "Ah!" "Zat's not funny!" "Die Flippenwaldt gerspudt!" "Vat's zis?" "Soon the Germans were working on a joke of their own." "Die ist ein ginnerhunder und zwei makaloova und der bitte schon ist den hunderhaus sprechen sie." "Nein, sprecht der Herren, ist offen volger mit spreitingun!" "We let you know." "By December, their joke was ready." "And Hitler ordered the German V-joke to be broadcast in English." "Zere vere zwei peanuts walking down the strasse, und one vas assaulted...peanut." "In 1945, peace broke out." "It was the end of the joke." "Joke warfare was banned at the Geneva Convention, and in 1950, the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again." "It's..." "'Ello." "Mr Milton, you are sole proprietor of the Whizzo Chocolate Company?" " I am." " We are from the Hygiene Squad." "We want a word with you about your "Whizzo Quality Assortment"." " Ah, yes." " I'll begin at the beginning." "First, there is the "cherry fondue"." "This is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute for that." " Agreed." " Next, No.4 - "crunchy frog"." " Ah, yes." " Is it a real frog in here?" " A little one." " What sort?" "A dead frog." " Is it cooked?" " No." "What?" "A raw frog?" "We use only the finest baby frogs." "Dew-picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in the finest spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent, smooth milk chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose." " But it's a frog." " What else?" "Don't you take the bones out?" "If we did, it wouldn't be crunchy." "Superintendent Parrot ate one of those." "Excuse me a moment." "It says "crunchy frog" quite clearly." "Well, the superintendent thought it was an almond whirl." "People won't expect it." "They'll think it's some kind of mock frog." "Mock frog?" "!" "We use no artificial additives of any kind!" "Nevertheless, I must warn you that in future you should delete "crunchy frog" and replace it with "raw, unboned, real dead frog", if you want to avoid prosecution." " What about sales?" " I'm not interested." "I have to protect the general public." "Now, how about this one?" "It was No.5, wasn't it?" "No.5 - "ram's bladder cup"." "What kind of confection is this?" "We use choicest chunks of fresh Cornish ram's bladder, emptied, steamed, flavoured with sesame seeds, whipped into a fondue and garnished with lark's vomit." " Lark's vomit?" "!" " Correct." "It don't say that here." "Yes, it does." "On the bottom, after monosodium glutamate." "Well, I think it would be more appropriate if the box bore a large red label warning of lark's vomit." "Our sales would plummet." "Well, why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionary," "like praline or lime cream - a popular flavour, I understand." "I mean, look at this - "cockroach cluster"..." ""Anthrax ripple"..." "What's this, "spring surprise"?" "That's our speciality." "Covered in dark, creamy chocolate, when you pop it in, bolts spring out and plunge through both cheeks." "Where's the pleasure in that?" "If people eat a choccy, they don't want their cheeks pierced." "This is an inadequate description." "I must ask you to come to the station." " It's a fair cop." " Stop talking to the camera." "If only the general public took more care when buying its sweeties, it would reduce man-hours lost to the nation, and they would spend less time being stomach pumped and sitting in public lavatories." "What the devil...?" "Hey!" "Hey, what's going...?" "What's happening here?" "Hey!" "Wait a minute..." "Hey!" "Stop that!" "Well, here it is, the show you've heard so much about." "This show gives you what you want." "So, move up for Full Frontal Nudity!" " Sit down, over there!" " I'm sorry." "Coffee?" "Ice cream?" "Sweeties?" "Will the owner of the vehicle with this registration number move it, as it's causing an obstruction." "What can I say?" "A few disappointments..." "Shut up, you pansy!" "I paid for full frontal nudity and I'm getting some!" "How's that, sailor?" "Full frontal nudity?" "Never." "What do you think, Barbara?" "Oh, no, no." "Unless it was perfectly valid, of course." "Some people do talk in the most extraordinary way." "Good afternoon and welcome to Hurlingham Park." "You join us as the competitors are running onto the field on this lovely afternoon, with the going firm and little sign of rain." "Well, it looks like we're in for a splendid afternoon's sport, in this, the 127th Upper Class Twit of the Year Show." "The competitors are off any moment, so let me identify them." "Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith has O'level kennel hygiene." "Simon Zinc-Trumpet-Harris, married to a lovely table lamp." "Nigel lncubator-Jones, in his spare time he's a stockbroker." "Gervaise Brook-Hamster, his father uses him as a waste paper basket." "Finally, Oliver Singen-Mollusc." "Thought by many to be this year's outstanding twit." "They're moving to the starting line." "There's a good crowd today." "They're under starter's orders." "And..." "They're off!" "Oh, no." "They didn't realise they were supposed to start." "Never mind, the judge is explaining it now." "I think Nigel and Gervaise have got the idea." "All set to go..." "Oh, they're off!" "A fast start this year." "Oliver Singen-Mollusc a bit wide there." "Now their first test, the straight line." "They've got to walk along without falling over." "Oliver's over at the back." "Simon's coming fast on the outside." "Simon and Nigel, both very fast." "No, there's Nigel." "I'm sorry." "On the outside, it's Gervaise, out of shot." "The positions" " Simon and Vivian in front at the matchbox jump." "Three layers of matchboxes to clear." "And Simon's over!" "And Vivian's over beautifully!" "Jump of lifetime!" "If only his father could understand." "Here's Nigel..." "No." "Gervaise is over..." "No, it's Nigel." "Bad luck!" "He's just hit the top." "Gervaise is going to jump." "No, he's jumped the wrong way." "Bad luck." "Nigel's over!" "Now it's only Oliver." "Oliver and Gervai..." "Oh, bad luck!" "And now it's kicking the beggar." "Simon's there..." "Not hard, but with style." "He's down, so Simon can move on!" "Now Vivian's there, waiting for a chance." "Here he comes..." "A real piledriver!" "Simon's Number 1, Vivian 2, Nigel 3, Gervaise 4, and Oliver bringing up the rear." "There's Oliver now." "He's at the back." "I think he's having trouble with his old brain injury." "He's going to have a go..." "No, bad luck." "He's up." "He doesn't know when he's beaten, this boy." "He doesn't have any sensory apparatus known to man." "There's Gervaise, putting the boot in there." "He's got him down." "The steward's giving him advice." "He can move on to the hunt photograph." "Yes, he's off, and Oliver's still having trouble with the matchboxes." "Now here's the hunt ball photograph." "First here is Simon, enjoying a joke with Lady Arabella Plunkett." "And Vivian's through, and Nigel's there, enjoying a joke with Lady Sarah Pencil-Farthing-Steamroller-Adams... ..Thigh-Biscuit-Aftershave- Stringbottom-Smith." "And there's Simon in the sports car." "He's reversing into the old woman absolutely beautifully." "Now he's going to accelerate to wake up the neighbour." "Vivian's lost his keys..." "No, there's Vivian." "Slowly but surely, right in the midriff." "Here to wake up the neighbour now." "Simon comfortably in the lead, but can't get this neighbour woken up." "He's slamming away there." "He's getting no reaction at all." "No re..." "There!" "He's woken him up, and Simon's through!" "Here's Vivian to slam the door." "There we are back at the ball." "That's Gervaise there." "And here's brave Oliver." "Can he make it to the table?" "No, I don't think so..." "Yes, he's..." "Oh!" "The crowd rising there." "And there I can see Nigel." "Nigel has woken the neighbour." "My God, this is exciting!" "He's going through." "Here comes Gervaise." "Gervaise..." "No, out in front, it's Simon." "He has to insult the waiter." "He's forgotten!" "And Oliver has run himself over!" "What a great twit!" "And here comes Vivian to insult the waiter." "He is heaping abuse on him." "He's in the lead!" "Simon's not with him." "Vivian's up and he's hit the bar!" "This is extremely difficult." "It requires expert co-ordination between mind and body." "They're hitting it." "Simon's fallen backwards." "Here's Nigel..." "And he's tripped and he's under!" "Simon fails again." "Here's Gervaise." "Simon is through by accident." "There's Gervaise, through at the last moment." "Here's Nigel." "He has to shoot the rabbit." "These rabbits are tied down, as it's only a one-day event." "They're blazing away, not getting the results they might." "Gervaise is trying to bash it to death with his rifle." "Nigel uses his bare hands." "Not getting the results they might, but it is misty and they're shooting from a range of at least a foot." "Yes, they've had a couple of hits and here they are." "They're coming up to the deb's." "Gervaise first, Vivian second, Simon third." "Now they've got to take off the bras from the front." "This is the most difficult part of the entire competition." "They're really trying and the crowd is getting excited." "And I think some of the twits are getting excited, too." "Vivian's through." "Simon's in second place." "And there's Oliver - dead, but not necessarily out of it." "There goes Nigel." "Gervaise is coming through this final obstacle." "Now all they have to do is shoot themselves." "Simon has a go." "He misses." "Nigel misses." "There's Gervaise!" "And Gervaise has shot himself!" "Gervaise is Upper Class Twit of the Year!" "There's Nigel." "He's shot Simon by mistake!" "And there's Nigel!" "Nigel is third in the most exciting Upper Class Twit of the Year I've ever seen." "Nigel's clubbed himself into fourth place." "And so the final result of Upper Class Twit of the Year " "Gervaise Brook-Hamster of Kensington and Weybridge," "Runner-up, Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith of Kensington, and third, Nigel lncubator-Jones of Henley." "Well, there'll be some car door slamming in Kensington tonight!" "Dear sir, how splendid to see the flower of British manhood wiping itself out with such tenacity." "Britain need have no fear with leaders of this calibre." "If only a few working class would destroy themselves so sportingly." "Yours etc." "Brigadier Mannering-Smith-Smith-Smith, etc." "Deceased, etc." "PS, etc." "Come on, other wags, show your stuff!" "Morning." "Ah..." "Morning, sir." "Morning." "I'll, er...be with you in a minute." "Oh, fine, fine." "Erm..." "How..." "How do like it, sir?" " Short back and sides." " How do you do that?" "Just ordinary short back and sides." "It's not a razor cut?" "Razor!" "Razor!" "Cut!" "Blood!" "Spurt!" "Artery!" "Murder!" "Oh, thank God, thank God." "It's just, er..." " Scissors." " Yes, yes." "You wouldn't rather have it just combed, sir?" " Sorry?" " You wouldn't rather forget it?" "No, no." "I want it cut." "Cut!" "Cut!" "Cut!" "Blood!" "Spurt!" "Artery!" "Murder!" "Hitchcock!" "Psycho!" "Blood!" "Damage!" "Right, sir, well, I'll get e-e-everything ready." " In the meantime, fill in this." " Fine." "Yes." " Excuse me?" " What?" "For next of kin, shall I put mother?" "Yes, yes, yes, yes." "Right." "There we are." "Thank you." "Right..." "Ha-ha..." "There." "I've finished." "What?" "I've finished cutting...cutting..." "cutting your hair." "It's all done." " You haven't started." " I have." "I did it very quickly, your honour..." "Sir!" "Sir!" "Sir..." "Look, I know when a chap's cut my hair, so get on with it!" "Yes..." "Yes, I will, sir." "Going to cut your hair, sir." "Going to start cutting, sir." "Start cutting..." "Now." " Nice day, sir." " Yes, flowers need rain, though." "See the match last night?" "Yeah. good game." "I thought Hurst played well, sir." " Beg your pardon?" " Hurst played well." " The only one, though." " Head down, sir." "Sorry." "I prefer to watch Palace nowadays." " Oh, was that your ear?" " No, didn't feel a thing." "Hey!" "What's going on?" "I came here for a haircut!" " It looks nice, sir." " It's the same as when I came in." "All right." "I confess." "I haven't cut your hair." "I hate cutting hair." "I have this un-un-uncontrollable fear of hair." "As a kid, I hated the sight of hair being cut." "My mother said the only cure was to become a barber." "I spent five ghastly years at the training centre in Totnes!" "Can you imagine cutting the same head for five years?" "I didn't want to be a barber anyway." "I wanted to be a lumberjack." "Leaping from tree to tree, down the mighty rivers of British Columbia." "The giant redwood, the larch, the fir, the mighty Scots pine..." "The smell of fresh cut timber, the crash of mighty trees..." "With my best girlie by my side, we'd sing, sing, sing!" "# I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK" "# I sleep all night" "# I work all day" "# He's a lumberjack and he's OK" "# He sleeps all night" "# And he works all day" "# I cut down trees, I eat my lunch" "# I got to the lavatory" "# On Wednesdays I go shopping" "# And have buttered scones for tea" "# He cuts down trees" "# He eats his lunch" "# He goes to the lavatory" "# On Wednesdays he goes shopping" "# And has buttered scones for tea" "# He's a lumberjack and he's OK" "# He sleeps all night" "# And he works all day" "# I cut down trees, I skip and jump" "# I like to press wild flowers" "# I put on women's clothing" "# And hang around in bars" "# He cuts down trees" "# He skips and jumps" "# He likes to press wild flowers" "# He puts on women's clothing" "# And hangs around in bars...?" "# He's a lumberjack and he's OK" "# He sleeps all night" "# And he works all day" "# I cut down trees" "# I wear high heels" "# Suspendies and a bra" "# I wish I'd been a girlie" "# Just like my dear mama" "# He cuts down trees" "# He wears high heels" "# Suspendies and a bra...?" "!" "# I wish I'd been a girlie" "# Just like my dear mama #" "Oh, Bevis!" "And I thought you were so rugged!" "Dear sir, I wish to complain in the strongest terms about the song about the lumberjack who wears women's clothes." "Many of my friends are lumberjacks and only a few are transvestites." "Yours faithfully, Brigadier Sir Charles Arthur Strong, Mrs." "PS, I have never kissed the editor of the Radio Times." "Good morning." "I'd like to buy a cat." "Certainly, sir." "Got a lovely terrier." "No, I want a cat, really." "How about that?" "No, that's the terrier." " It's near as damn it." " I want a cat." "Listen, I'll file its legs, take its snout off, stick wires in its cheeks..." "Lovely pussycat." "It's not a proper cat." " Why?" " It wouldn't miaow." "It'd howl a bit." "No, no..." "Have you got a parrot?" "Oh, I'm afraid not." "We're fresh out of parrots." "Tell you what..." "I'll lop its back legs off, stick a couple of wings on, and staple on a beak of your own choice." "No problem, lovely parrot." " How long will that take?" " Ooh, let me see..." " Harry?" " Yeah?" "Can you do a parrot job on a terrier straight away?" "No, I'm putting a tuck in the Airedale." "Then I got frogs to let out." " Friday?" " No, it's a present." "Oh, dear." "It's a long job, parrot conversion." "Tell you what, though, for free..." "Terriers make lovely fish." "I could do that straight away." "Legs off, fins on, pipe in neck to breathe, bit of gold paint, make good..." " You'd need a very big tank." " It's a great conversation piece." "Yeah, all right." "But, er...only if I can watch." "Oh, I thought that was a bit predictable." "Hello." "I wish to register a complaint." " Hello." "Miss?" " What do you mean, "miss"?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I have a cold." "I wish to complain." " Sorry, we're closed." " Never mind." "I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased from this boutique." "Oh, the Norwegian blue." " What's wrong with it?" " It's dead, that's what's wrong." "No, no." "It's resting." "Look." "Look, my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one." "No, it's resting." " Resting?" "!" " Yeah." "Remarkable bird." "Beautiful plumage, innit?" "The plumage don't enter into it." "It's stone dead." "No, no, it's resting." "All right, then." "If it's resting, I'll wake it up." "Hello, Polly!" "I got a nice cuttlefish when you wake up, Polly Parrot!" " There, it moved." " That was you pushing it." " I did not!" " Yes, you did." "Hello, Polly!" "Po-lly!" "Polly Parrot, wake up!" "Polly!" "Now, that's a dead parrot." "No, no." "It's stunned." "Look, my lad." "I've had enough of this." "That parrot is definitely deceased." "When I bought it, you assured me its lack of movement was due to it being shagged out after a long squawk." "It's probably pining for the fjords." "Pining for the fjords?" "!" "What kind of talk is that?" "Why did it fall on its back when I got it home?" "The Norwegian blue prefers kipping on its back." " Lovely plumage..." " Look, I examined that parrot." "And discovered the only reason it was on its perch at all was that it had been nailed there." "Well, of course it was." "Otherwise, it would have been "voom!"" "Look, matey... this parrot wouldn't "voom!" if I put 4,000 volts through it." " It's bleeding demised." " It's not." "It's pining." "It's not pining, it's passed on." "This parrot is no more." "It has ceased to be." "It's expired and gone to meet its maker." "This is a late parrot." "It's a stiff." "Bereft of life." "It rests in peace." "If you hadn't nailed it down, it would be pushing up daisies." "It's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible." "This is an ex-parrot." "Well, I better replace it, then." "If you want anything done, you've got to complain till you're blue." "Sorry, guv, we're right out of parrots." "I see." "I get the picture." "I've got a slug." "Does it talk?" " Not really, no." " Scarcely a replacement, then." "Listen, I tell you what, if you go to my brother's shop in Bolton, he'll replace it." " Bolton, eh?" " Yeah." "All right." "Er, excuse me..." "this is Bolton, is it?" "No, no." "It's Ipswich." "That's lnter-City Rail for you." "I wish to make a complaint." "I don't have to do this, you know?" " I beg your pardon?" " I'm a brain surgeon." "I only do this because I like being my own boss." "This is irrelevant, isn't it?" " It's not easy to fill 30 minutes." " Well, I wish to complain." "I got on the Bolton train and found myself here in Ipswich." "This is Bolton." "The pet shop owner's brother was lying." "You can't blame us." "If this is Bolton, I shall return to the pet shop." "I understand that this is Bolton." " Yeah?" " You said it was Ipswich." "It was a pun." " A pun?" "!" " No, not a pun." "What's the other thing that reads the same backwards as forwards." " A palindrome?" " Yeah, yeah." "It's not a palindrome." "Bolton backwards is 'notlob'." " It don't work." " What do you want?" "No, I'm not prepared to pursue my enquiry any further, as this is getting too silly." "Quite agree." "Quite agree." "Silly, silly, silly." "Right, get on with it..." "Get on with it!"