"For me, prison was like a long car vacation with my parents." "The more I slept, the shorter the trip." "Wakey, wakey, hands off penis." "It's for protection." "There's a new guy here who thinks it's funny to pull on your junk while you're sleeping." "The principal wants to see you." "You mean the warden?" "Did I say "landlord" again?" "Good." " You wanted to see me, sir?" " Yeah, Hickey, come on in." "You don't mind if I multitask, do you?" "Not at all, sir." "Vinny's here to shave some guy for the electric chair." "Oh, I hate execution days." "Especially if they die with a funny face and then you start giggling." "And suddenly you're the jerk who's laughing at an execution." "Anyway," "I am getting ready to start a program called "Scared Straight"." "Not into the ladies, huh?" "Well, it worked for a guy at my parents' church." "The program I'm talking about is where we go into schools and we try to scare kids out of a life of crime." "We used to bring 'em here." "Didn't work out too well." "Remember." "Be scared, stay straight." "Excuse me." "He wasn't my buddy when we came in." "We finally found the real kid in a washing machine." "2 months later, he's still dizzy." "What do you say?" "Are you in?" "I'll give you a certificate that knocks another 5 weeks off your prison sentence." "If it keeps me out of trouble and gets me out of here 5 weeks sooner," "I guess scaring kids is a good thing." "Great." "You're gonna be putting on a presentation at the school in a couple of days." "You just pick any three prisoners you want to help you." "Just, if you pick a black guy, make sure he's a doctor or lawyer we don't want to perpetuate negative stereotypes." "Season 3" " Episode 9 Randy In Charge" "I was really excited to get started on my Scared Straight project." "But first, I had to look after Randy." "You okay, Randy?" "I'm great." "I found a shady spot in the yard where no other guards could see me, and I took a nap." "Because as great as it was to see Randy every day, he really wasn't the best prison guard." "Elvis, great." "How was your weekend?" "Sometimes I got there in the nick of time." "And sometimes I didn't." "Meal time." "Hello?" "Dinner." "That tickles." "And sometimes, he wasn't just a danger to himself." "Everyone, this is Fred." "It's his first time in prison and he's a little nervous." "He used to be a police officer and then he molested a little boy." "So, make him feel welcome." "Really?" "They wrote "Best Guard" on my forehead?" "They sure did." "I realized if I wanted to keep Randy out of trouble," "I needed to keep him close." "And I figured the warden wouldn't mind." "Good news, Randy." "The warden thinks you should be the one to escort us on the project." "I was worried he thought I was an idiot when he saw me fall out of that guard tower." "I guess when I said, "I meant to do that," he believed me." "While I was trying to help Randy stay out of trouble, a very pregnant Joy was trying to get out of bed." "Thank God, you're here." "I'm stuck again." "This mattress is pressing against me like a creepy uncle." "Recently, Joy had found out that Liberty, her lifelong enemy, was also her lifelong half-sister." "And after putting aside their differences," "Joy agreed to be Liberty and Ray Ray's surrogate mom." "Baby, I told you you needed to stay in the middle." "I was in the middle." "That damn monster truck pulled in next door and created a wave that pushed me into the crack." "Get me out of here." "I'm-a go sleep on the couch." "You know you're not allowed to sleep on any furniture with exposed rusty springs." "We don't know it was the couch that gave Earl Jr lockjaw." "Besides, when I agreed to be their surrogate," "I didn't realize they were part of the nazi gazpacho." "Being new to parenting," "Liberty and Ray Ray had a lot of baby rules." "No fried foods, no transfat, no alcohol, no tobacco..." "You first-timers are way overprotective." "I was that way with Dodge." "I switched to Marlboro Lights and he still came out with asthma." "Earl Jr, she smoked cloves." "That's why he likes spicy food." "Also, no soft cheeses, no canned cheeses, no antiperspirants, no hair dye, no G-strings." "No G-strings or canned cheese?" "How the hell am I supposed to celebrate new year's?" "And even though she agreed to all those demands, 9 months and 2 weeks later, her patience was running thin." "Even though Joy was not at a very good place," "Randy was, by my side, where he'd be safe while I have my auditions." "Our first two auditioners are Frank and Paco." "Frank's new to performing, but Paco did once stab a guy in front of a big crowd." "Thanks for coming in." "Frank, why don't you go first." "Scare me straight." "Okay." "All right." "Yo, yo." "When you get in here, first, I'm gonna mess you up." "And then..." "I'm sorry, I blanked out." "You know, I had it perfectly back in my cell." "You know what?" "My fault..." "Paco should have gone first." "Go in the hall and collect yourself." "Go for it, Paco." "It's not too bad in here." "I mean, I made some new friends, and I even took a computer course." "And last week, I googled myself..." "Paco, and I found out I have unclaimed money in Tejas." "That's "Texas" for you." "Next!" "I like to cuddle." "Do you like to cuddle?" "You're in." "Did you really think this could possibly work?" "I gave it a shot." "This is you." "This is you in prison." " Any questions?" " It was confusing, but..." "I like your voice." "You're in." "Watch this." "This will freak the kids out." "That was impressive, Wilson." "I wish he would have saved that for the show." "And then I'm gonna kick in your teeth and wrench you out of your cigarettes." "And then when I get 100 cigarettes, I'm gonna stuff 'em all up in your mouth and make you smoke 'em, like that dude from the Guinness Book." "You know why?" "Cause prison is boring." "I knew you had it in you." "So, did I get the part?" "I had my scared straight team together and was excited to show the warden." "Okay, kids." "The scariest thing about prison is that there's violence everywhere." "Everywhere, yeah." "Everyone's always trying to get over on you." "And when you think you're safe..." "You're walking along by yourself because you might be walking around... that is such nice work." " You like that?" " That is so scary." "Just had another thought." "What if the scared straight show had a green message, too?" "I don't follow." "Green." "It means environmentally friendly." "The thing is, sir,... going green doesn't fit with the rest of the show." "Work your magic." "Make it fit." "Well, I'd just be wedging it in." "But if I told you you had to do it because I'm your boss..." "Then I would say I could take the shower-killing story and turn it into something about the importance of conserving water." "That's good." "And how about if we start the show when the guy bends over to pick up the phosphate-free soap?" "I wasn't the only one dealing with other people's crazy ideas." "PBS?" "Ray Ray, how the hell would I get PBS when I'm pregnant?" "Oh." "It's a channel?" "Oh." "Hold on." "Okay, I found it." "He's listening." "Dipstick and Dum Dum wanting the baby to listen to some stupid show about the moon landing." "Alleged moon landing." "Keep the receiver covered while I give this baby the opposing point of view." "Consider this, little man." "In the footage, you'll notice shadows from divergent sources." "This baby's already smart, Darnell." "He just turned around, so you're talking to his butt." "That baby still had a chance to come out smart." "But it was too late for Randy, who had just been outsmarted by a pair of handcuffs." "These things close so fast." "Sit down, Randy." "I think we need to have a little talk." "I'm wondering if... you wouldn't be happier working... in some place like... the cafeteria." "No way." "Cafeteria guys don't get night sticks or cool uniforms." "Where is your nightstick?" "Oh, I lost it." "I didn't lose it..." "I know which prisoner has it, but he won't give it back, so..." "Come on." "Working in the cafeteria, they'll let you use the big spoon." "That is a big spoon they got in there." "Wait." "Do you think I'm a bad guard?" "No." "Not, not bad." "Just... too trusting, and I can't look after you in here, like I can on the outside." "What are you talking about?" "I look after you." "Randy, that's ridiculous." "Is it?" "Who got your new mattress when hepatitis Bob had sex with yours?" "If I hadn't a been here, you'd have whatever disease hepatitis Bob has." "Face it, Randy, you only took this job because you couldn't exist out there without me." "Or maybe I knew you couldn't exist in here without me." "Or maybe you're getting defensive and saying everything I say back at me." "Or maybe you're just saying what I'm gonna say before I say it." "What?" "I don't know." "Why don't you tell me?" "Randy, the point is, you're not cut out for positions of authority." "I see what's happening here." "You can't handle me being in charge." " What?" " Yeah." "You've been bossing me around so long, you can't stand that I'm top dog." "Oh, really?" "You think you're top dog?" " Come here, top dog." " Give it." "Come get it, top dog." "Randy, look." "It doesn't matter that you're a guard and I'm a prisoner 'cause when it comes to us, I'm always gonna be in charge." "Code pink." "You'll get your stuff back at the end of the day." "Now get out in the yard." "It's time for mandatory volleyball." "I was trying to get Randy for my Scared Straight presentation, but me and Randy were still fighting over which one of us was in charge." " "Not jail."" " No pointers." " Anyway, not jail..." " No pointing." "I was surprised to see Randy was staying so mad." "But I guess being the little brother, these feelings had been building up inside him for years." "Randy, I told you, it's too weird." "We can't both have mustaches." "And I had mine first." "In fact, I was in charge for as long as either of us could remember." "Randy didn't just mess with my rehearsal time, he also started messing with my meals." "Half portion." "Who's in charge now?" "Kosher meal." "Enjoy your muslim food." "Regular meal." "Upside down." " Damn it, you're acting like..." " Code pink." "Turns out, me and Joy were both dealing with uncooperative babies." "And your great-great-great great-great great grandfather was sent to asia by a tobacco company to get the chinese hooked on smoking." "And if you ever go there, little one, you'll see what a first-rate job he done." "Damn it, Ray-Ray, the baby can't see you." "You want to show him pictures, let me induce." "Absolutely not." "Inducing's not a part of our natural childbirth plan." "Your body will tell us when it's time." "My mouth speaks for my body, and it's saying it's go time." "My daddy always said "Don't do business with family."" "I told you we should've gotten a written contract." "Good luck with that." "Before we were married, I asked for a prenuptial agreement, and she burned all my stuff." "But then she did sign it." "We don't need a written contract." "Joy and I have a verbal agreement, between sisters." "Look, I agreed to carry this baby for nine months." "So, technically, our agreement expired two weeks ago." "The only reason I haven't cut this baby out myself is because a cesarean scar and my prom scar would make a weird little crucifix right above my landing strip." "Yo, man, I mean, things were going from worse to even worser." "And not only did the cops have my footprint from the casino vault, but my carbon footprint was off the charts." "Great job, guys." "We're leaving in five minutes." "Scooby, when you tell that story about dumping a body in the woods, say you felt bad about littering." "I did." "That was the only part I did feel bad about." "You can go back to your bunk now, you're not involved in the show anymore." "What?" "Your fieldtrip privileges have been canceled." "I'm only taking these three." "I can do that 'cause I'm in charge." "Well, I'll talk to the warden." "The warden's not here." "We're leaving." "You're getting way out of control." "You know what's getting way out of control?" "My taser." "My taser hand's way out of control." "You know I hate tasers." "Come on, guys, we're going." "Do me a favor." "My brother gets a little mixed up and..." "Don't worry, I'll look after him." "Hey, but, Earl... about my performance, am I doing good or am I pushing?" " Yeah, it's good." " All right." "Carbon footprint." "Frank didn't want to push, but..." "Joy did." "She was trying everything she could to get that baby out." "Cause while she promised not to induce at the hospital, she never promised not to try and induce at home." "Get out!" "Great show, guys." "I heard one kid say "I'll never stab anyone," ""or order chilean sea bass."" "They are dangerously over fished." "Bob, that was really something how you got the teacher's phone number, even after telling that story about killing a teacher." "I dig chicks who want to fix me." "You know what, you guys did such an awesome job, we're gonna stop for ice cream." "This is the last time I'll bring it up, but frozen yogurt would be a lot healthier than ice cream." "Damn." "There's no parking spots." "I don't want to double park." "If I get a ticket in this van, I'll get in big trouble." "We can run in for you." "Okay, I'm trusting you." "I want half french vanilla, half rocky road." "Sprinkles, not too many, only rainbow color." "One scoop, chopped nuts, whipped cream." "Don't screw me on this." "Yeah, but what about Frank?" "Just let him sleep." "But get him something." "Nothing too fancy." "He hates snobs." "Get him a working man's flavor like rum raisin." " Or brown." " Okay." "Baby, you've been squatting for five and a half hours." "That's like five hours longer than any human should squat." "That's it." "I don't care what I promised." "We're going to the hospital and inducing right now." "Get your keys." "I'm all cramped up." "I feel like B.J. and the bear." "Whichever one of you pregnant bitches thinks you're going next, you are wrong." "I need to get some drugs to kick-start this delivery." "I forgot you were back there." "Where is everyone?" "Silly sleepyhead, did you forget?" "Ice cream." " What?" " Don't worry, they're getting you something." "You can't just let a couple of criminals go into an ice cream store." "That's like letting a bull loose in a chinese shop." "That's nuts." "How would you even get a bull into a store?" "The door would have to be huge and then once he was in there, he'd just go crazy with..." "Oh, crap." "Can't believe you didn't trust us." "Although now that i think about it, that was a wasted opportunity." "I'm sorry, guys." "I should've known better than to think one of you would try and run away." "An escaped convict and a parking ticket on a state vehicle?" "Not the kind of thing that's gonna get me laid at home, fellas." "It's not my fault, sir." "Captain Jackass was in charge." "You actually took prisoners for ice cream?" "Yes, sir." "But I got a receipt." "So if I could just get my 8 $ back..." "Moron." "I hold you both responsible for this mess." "Look, sir, I knew frank on the outside." "Maybe I can help the troopers figure out where he's hiding." "No!" "No, no!" "No troopers, no press." "And the governor can never hear about this." "There was a good reason the warden didn't want the governor to find out." "She was also his wife." "So you're trying scared straight again?" "Yes." "And this time, you're going to the school?" "That's what I said." "With actual prisoners?" "I know what I'm doing!" "I'm a grown man!" "You like your job, fella?" "Yes." "Do you like your brother?" "Not at the moment, sir, no." "Too bad." "You're both gonna go out there, you're gonna find Frank and you're gonna bring him back." " Fine, we'll do it." " Great." "You've got 46 hours." "And nobody better find out about it." "Before we go, which one of us is in charge?" "Will you two figure it out?"