"Good evening." "I have a request for those of you who are not watching television." "Please turn on your set." "I'm sure I look much worse... in the flamboyant Technicolor of your imagination... than I do in the austere black and white of television." "Thank you." "I'm sure that's much better." "Although it may still be one color too many." "Black and white are very fitting this evening." "As a matter of fact... we considered edging the entire picture in black, but we gave that up." "It would have been decidedly unfair to those of you... with very small picture tubes." "Or narrow imaginations." "Tonight's fable is about Monica Laughton." "A nice little old lady with a penchant for funerals." "You shall learn more about Miss Laughton... after our sponsor gives this brief... but heartfelt eulogy... in behalf of his product." "Good morning, Theodore." "Morning, Miss Monica." "Another of your picture-book mornings, ain't it?" "Yes, indeed, a picture-book day, but most bracing." "I only wish Oscar could have seen it." "That's too bad, Miss Monica." "I sure am sorry." "Oscar, did you say?" "Did he suffer much?" "Oh, no!" "One last convulsion and he was gone." "Cecily's dreadfully cut up." "They were to be married, you know." "I fear it won't be long before she follows him to the grave." "Just pining away, is she?" "Miss Monica, did you want anything extra?" "Oh, yes." "Half a pint of cream, with all these people around." "Oscar was quite wealthy, you know." "Brings out the relatives." "Yes, ma'am, I guess it would." "Well, goodbye, Miss Monica." "Good day, Theodore." "If your brother doesn't come through, we keep on hitchhiking." "So if you want to travel more elegant, you'd better give him a good pitch." "Reverse the charges and make it person-to-person." "Why don't you put the touch on some of your relatives?" "Why don't you stop asking stupid questions?" "Just do like I tell you." "Morning, Arthur." "Morning, Ted." "Miss Monica's having another funeral." "What, again?" "Oscar, poor fellow." "Passed away." "Too bad." "What did he die of?" "Croup, I guess." "As usual." "Sooner or later they're gonna have to get somebody to take care of Monica Laughton." "It's dangerous her living the way she does... all alone with all that money in the house." "Some folks don't reckon there's all that much money." "She don't ever go to bank." "She don't ever get any mail except what she writes to herself." "The money don't ever seem to give out." "She don't spend much." "Maybe it's nearly all gone." "Don't you believe it, man." "Monica Laughton's got a pile of it stashed away somewhere right in that old house." "Maybe so." "When I was a kid they used to say her fiancé left her near about a million dollars." "So long, Arthur." "He's already gone to work." "Maybe I can call him at the office." "No, forget that." "I got a better idea." "Get me the phone book, I wanna look up an address." "Come on." "Frank." "I wish you wouldn't be in such a hurry." "Now, if we have to do this, I think we ought to wait until we get our plans all laid out." "Shut up." "I have the plans all laid out already." "I'm from the Historical Society... and I want to look at all the old rooms... in this historical old mansion, and that's all." "Won't they be happy to have the Historical Society in the middle of a wake." "Good morning!" "Good morning, Miss Laughton." "My name is Frank Bramwell, and this here is my wife." "Bramwell." "Bramwell?" "I see you've brought your luggage." "But I don't" "Well, we haven't found a hotel yet, you see." "Oh, dear me, you mustn't go to a hotel." "None of the family ever go to hotels." "What would you think of me?" "No, we'll find a place for you somewhere." "Come in." "Bring your bags." "Everyone is here in the front parlor." "You'll want to see Oscar, of course." "Bramwell?" "Bramwell?" "Oh, of course." "Oscar's mother's people." "I declare, everyone's been so long trying to forget Oscar's mother... it seems strange to be trying to remember her." "My dears." "Here are Mr. and Mrs. Bramwell." "Relatives of Oscar's on the distaff side." "I don't want to go in there with all those people." "They are bound to find out." "Be quite." "Let me handle it." "Now." "Everyone is anxious to see you after all this time." "It was good of you to come, though a little unexpected, of course." "Now, these are Oscar's cousins and aunts and things." "Mr. Farrell, Miss Nelson." "Miss Larrabee." "Miss Furlong, Mr. May." "Mrs. Archibald, Mr. Archibald, Miss Archibald." "Master Archibald." "Miss Cecily Furness, Mrs. Lorimer." "Mr. Chalmers." "Mr. Farquahar, Mr. Pettigrew." "If you will sit here on these chairs." "Would you move down one, please, Mr. Farrell?" "I'm afraid we've already had the reading of the will, not knowing you were coming." "But it doesn't matter, you didn't get anything." "I don't think you were very close to Oscar, were you?" "Of course, some people have the funeral first, but we always do it this way." "Cecily, dear... do stop crying." "Oscar has passed to a higher life." "Nothing will bring him back." "Perhaps you ought to go to your room, dear." "Tippie." "You're getting fat and lazy." "You should go to the kitchen and catch the mice." "Well, perhaps you'd like to go to your room and freshen up." "Of course you'll want to see Oscar first." "Come along." "He's probably changed a good deal since you knew him." "He does look natural." "Doesn't he?" "Come along." "Oh, I forgot." "If anybody wants a glass of sherry before lunch... please help yourselves." "Really, it's difficult to know what to do with you." "If you had telegraphed, it would have been easier." "There now, we'll find somewhere." "Last month when Adelaide died, we even had cots in the hall." "Just a minute." "Frank, I'm scared." "I mean, she's loony." "You don't know what crazy people will" "You're the crazy one." "This is the biggest break we ever had." "Just do like I tell you." "Come in." "I'm going to put you right in here." "A funeral is always so sad when the deceased is young." "Ours were all young." "All young." "Oscar is next to the last." "He was the best man." "Cecily was the maid of honor." "Now they're all gone but Cecily." "All the wedding party." "Wedding party?" "Who was the bride?" "Why, I was." "My fiancé was killed in a carriage accident on the way to the church." "This is all I have left." "It was on the wedding cake." "Richard... is gone." "Gone to glory, all of them." "Well, there you are." "If you need anything, just call." "We'll have lunch a little early today on account of the funeral." "You come down when you're ready." "She's put us in her own room." "Where else would the money be?" "Start looking." "Frank, for the hundredth time, I'm hungry." "Oh, shut up." "We'll find the money, then we'll eat." "You are untidy." "Must you scrabble through my room like monkeys?" "Where's the money." "That's why we're here, and that's what we're gonna get." "So you came only after poor Oscar's money." "You admit it." "Well, I told you." "He didn't leave you anything." "Oh, dear." "We'll straighten it up, Miss Laughton." "Is it time for lunch?" "Lunch is over." "We had it while you were up here hunting for Oscar's will." "I told you we'd already read it." "Besides, why should he leave it in my room?" "Mr. and Mrs. Bramwell." "I don't think you're going to add anything to the occasion." "I think you'd better go." "If you need some money I can let you have a little." "What did I do with my purse?" "Really." "This is terrible." "And the house full of guests, too." "After all, Elvira can't do everything." "Is it all right if we go downstairs to the kitchen and get some lunch?" "Certainly." "I never refuse food to anyone." "Food!" "Food!" "Can you beat that?" "There's nothing in here but some stale cheese... some old milk, and a can of lard." "This ought to go tasty with the cheese." "Look at that, it's just about as old." "Frank, I can't stand it." "I'm going out and getting me a hamburger." "Don't you go any place." "Don't you stick your nose outside." "We don't want anybody to know we're here." "Maybe she really hasn't got any money." "Don't believe that." "Did you see the flowers around that coffin?" "Straight from the florist." "And this house and furniture?" "And her jewelry, don't forget." "Maybe that money ain't in her room, but it's somewhere in this house." "But I am so hungry." "You always have to talk about food?" "Here." "How can I talk about anything else?" "I haven't eaten since yesterday." "Do be quite." "It knows I never answer it, but it's so persistent lately." "I only had it put in to please Oscar, but now that he's gone there's no need for it." "I told the postman to tell the telephone company to come and take it away... but they haven't done it." "I suppose they still ring up to argue about it." "I have decided to postpone the funeral... because I don't think Oscar would like fortune hunters to be present." "So we won't have it till after you are gone." "We'll have the dinner anyway." "We must try to bear up." "Now, let me see." "Melon first." "Then the capon, rice... butter beans, salad." "I hope Elvira doesn't forget the Roquefort." "Charlotte russe, coffee." "And the champagne." "Yes, we may as well have the champagne." "It'll comfort Cecily, poor dear." "Now, while she's in there, I'm gonna look in the parlor." "Not you." "Stay in there and keep an eye on her." "I don't want her getting out and talking to anybody." "Till after we get the money." "No, Lorna." "We don't want her to talk ever." "What do you mean, Frank?" "We don't have to" "Now, wait a minute." "We don't know anybody in this town, and nobody knows that we're here." "Or that we have any connection with Miss Monica Laughton." "Right?" "So." "No, I don't like it." "What's the matter with you?" "The only way we can get caught is if we leave the old goof alive to talk." "You wanna take a chance like that just for a dippy dame that don't know up from down?" "Let me go." "It's just that we've never been in anything like this before." "We are in it and we're gonna go through with it, you understand?" "Look, that old dame, she's lived long enough anyhow." "Frank." "Frank." "Ladies and gentlemen, dinner is served!" "Will you take me in, Mr. Bramwell?" "Go on, just so long as we eat." "Miss Laughton." "Thank you, Mr. Bramwell." "Come along, my dears." "Cecily." "You sit here next to me, dear." "Mr. Chalmers, will you sit on my other side?" "And Mrs. Archibald, next." "Mr. May, Miss Archibald." "Mr. Farquahar." "Miss Furlong." "And Mr. Archibald." "Now, on this side there is Mr. Farrell." "Miss Nelson." "Master Archibald." "Miss Larrabee." "Mr. Pettigrew." "Mrs. Lorimer." "Oh, yes, Mr. and Mrs. Bramwell." "I thought you had gone." "Well." "Just one moment, my dears." "Now, my dears, you mustn't mind me." "Just go ahead... and enjoy Elvira's wonderful cooking." "The doctor has told me I must be very careful for a while... but I shall enjoy watching you eat." "Yes, indeed, Mr. Farquahar." "Yes, the melons are from our own garden." "And I must say I think they're the best we've had this year." "No, we just play at gardening." "But I will say this, that what we do raise, is the best." "I think everyone has finished now." "You may remove the melon, Elvira." "I beg your pardon, Mrs. Archibald, I didn't hear." "Oh, yes, indeed." "Devoted." "Elvira has been with us ever since I was just a little girl." "No, thank you, Elvira." "You can't tempt me." "The doctor was firm, very firm." "Just a little soup, he said." "For a while." "Just a little soup." "You may bring in the capon now, Elvira." "I'm going to help Elvira!" "Thank you, Mrs. Bramwell." "But I'm quite sure Elvira can manage" "I'll just help Elvira open this." "A most unfortunate young man." "Only a distant cousin, I believe." "On the mother's side." "All those wonderful smells were coming from just one can of soup." "I bet she's got the food hid someplace, like the money." "Hey, we got this." "Frank, open it." "I'm going crazy." "I do need a drink." "I bet she's got lots more of this hidden in the basement some place." "Oh." "It's vinegar!" "She must have had it 100 years." "It's turned sour." "I'm gonna kill that old" "Frank, remember." "She is not responsible." "That's all." "That's all I'm gonna take from that old dame." "I'm going to go in there and work on her right now." "Frank." "So you do have a safe." "All right, open it." "I said, "Open it."" "No." "I don't want you pawing through my things." "I'm gonna kill you just for the pleasure of it." "Now open that safe and be quick about it." "Well." "I will open it, if you promise not to destroy any of my private papers." "I promise!" "What do I care about the papers?" "Open it." "Well, I suppose the only way to convince you, is to open it." "Really, this is very presumptuous of you." "There." "Now remember..." "What's all this junk in here?" "Where's the money?" "Look at that." "Fans, dance programs, valentines." "A safe full of moldy junk!" "Oh, how could you?" "You promised!" "You promised you wouldn't." "Mr. Bramwell." "You have made me very angry." "You are a man without honor." "I have been trying to forget you, but you have made that impossible." "I will never tell you where anything is." "I will tell you only this, that there is no money here for you." "Do you want to die?" "If you kill me, I couldn't possibly tell you anything, could I?" "I'll kill you anyhow." "Do as you please, Mr. Bramwell." "Please refrain from annoying my guests, if you can." "I'll kill them, too." "No!" "You mustn't!" "If you don't tell me where that money is, I'm gonna kill every one of them." "Every single one." "No!" "You mustn't." "You mustn't harm them." "Give me till morning." "I must think." "You've had enough time to think." "Now" "Frank, wait." "Now, it may take forever to find it if she doesn't tell us." "Give her till morning, I think you've really got her scared now." "Okay." "I'm gonna give you till morning." "Then if you don't dig up that money..." "I'm gonna kill every one of these people, and you, too." "Come on, Cecily, time to go to bed." "Goodnight, everyone." "No, no, Tippie!" "You've had all you're going to have." "You're positively bulging." "No." "Besides, you know you don't like cupcakes." "These are for the mice." "Now then, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, a great big cat like you... letting the mice stamp all over the kitchen as if they owned the place." "Where did I put that rat poison?" "They may as well die happy." "And they do love cupcakes." "Frank." "Wake up." "There's the most marvelous smell coming from downstairs." "I think she's in the kitchen cooking." "You go and play in the sun." "It's going to be a lovely day." "Good morning." "Is breakfast ready?" "Breakfast is over long ago." "Do you always sleep this late?" "Late?" "It's only 7:00." "Isn't there any more coffee?" "Oh, no." "I don't drink coffee." "Elvira will probably find you something to eat." "Wait a minute." "You've had all night to think about it." "Now dig up that money." "No stalling around." "Or I go in there and kill all those people." "You're too late, they've gone." "I sent them all away last night." "I told them it wasn't safe with a lunatic like you in the house." "What do you mean they're gone?" "No, they ain't gone." "Frank, have you gone crazy, too?" "Those are for the mice." "And so are you, you old goof!" "Do you dig up that money right now, or do I use this on you?" "I haven't quite decided." "I am going into the parlor and talk to Richard." "Maybe he'd like me to join him." "What did I tell you?" "I knew she would see it our way." "Good morning, Theodore." "Morning, Miss Monica." "You had another death in the family." "I'm afraid so, Theodore." "Most disconcerting." "Especially with no accommodations." "Ma'am?" "I want you to take a message for me." "Tell Mr. Grimley I want him to send me a new coffin right away." "His best." "His very best." "A coffin..." "You want another..." "You had two deaths in the family?" "Not the immediate family." "Distant cousins." "But we must do our best." "Your bill." "Well, I'll pay it right away." "There's no hurry, Miss Monica." "I know I've got a $5 bill here somewhere." "No, I'm out again." "Well, Theodore." "Take this $1,000 bill." "You can bring me the change tomorrow." "Good gosh, Miss Monica." "You shouldn't keep all that money in your purse like that." "That's an awful lot of money." "It's the safest place in the world, Theodore." "It's the safest place in the world." "Good day, Theodore." "Good day, Miss Monica." "How well, as the French tell us, "C'est la mort. "" "I thought rat poison was charmingly appropriate, didn't you?" "After all, "Sweets to the sweet..."" "And, I can think of no better time to segue into our next theme." "After which, I'll segue back to you." "The opinions expressed by my sponsor, are his." "Those of you who wish, may join us again next week." "When we'll be back with another play." "Goodnight."