"Morning, Jackson." "That was quite a game last night." "Crazy, right?" "Watching my mom destroy my sister at Monopoly." "Yeah, I sort of thought we were all gonna play." "Boss is coming." "Look busy." "Loyal subjects!" "Due to some recent cost overruns -- health plan, thanks, current president -- the C.I.A. is just a wee bit over budget." "Cutbacks must be made, and since it's not going to be my hover-throne polisher..." "Certain things are still sacred, Your Highness." "...we must get creative." "I'm looking for one volunteer to enjoy a one-month vacation." "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "Without pay." "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Wait -- what was that last thing?" "It seemed to change everyone's mind." "♪ Good morning, U.S.A." "♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪" "♪ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪" "♪ and he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪" "♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say" "♪ Good -- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A." "You've been furloughed?" "Don't worry." "I got another job for the month." "You're looking at the newest campus security officer at Groff Community College." "You're camp sec?" "Oh, no." "You're not gonna be there, are you?" "No, 'cause midterms are next week, and I always quit before those." "Sweet." "Oh, and another good thing -- my new job's gonna pay me even more... frequently." "The total money is a lot less, but I'm paid... weekly." "That doesn't sound great, dad." "Maybe not for you, but for me, it's like going back to college." "I'll be cruisin' around campus, pajama-pantsin' with the co-eds, skipping' class, and workin' out guitar licks, late night." "Sounds like we're gonna have to tighten our belts around here." "No!" "I will not give up my coconut water!" "My potassium levels are everything to me!" "We're just gonna have to find that money somewhere else." "Wait " " Roger, what about that bed-and-breakfast you've been dying to do?" "Yeah, the Inn Under the Attic." "Oh, no -- I will not jeopardize my five-circle rating on Tripplanner." "You mean "stars."" "Actually, they use circles." "Maybe they're owl eyes?" "Areolas?" "I don't know." "It's confusing." "But it's very important to me!" "How do you have ratings if no one's ever stayed there?" "Oh, I've entertained satisfied visitors from all over the world " "Omar, Benyamin, Chinese peasant." "Mantu here was so happy, he tipped me a narwhal tusk." "Got 75 cents for it on eBay." "Took a bath on the shipping." "How can you be proud of those reviews?" "You wrote them all." "Hmm." "I have always wondered what it'd be like to entertain a...real guest." "I'll do it!" "But only if you all promise to help me keep my five-circle rating." "Well, you can count on us, sir." "Shall I plug in the reservation line?" "Yes." "It's time." "Wow." "That was really fast " "Get it on the first ring!" "Inn Under the Attic." "This is Roger." "Aah!" "This is happening!" "Remember, any student riding their bike in a pedestrian area is in violation of Code 33-A, so write 'em up." "Last order of business " "I'd like to welcome our newest officer." "Everybody, this is Stan Smith." "Yo, boss man, do I get my golf cart now?" "Eager to jump in." "I like it." "More like eager to jump into a fat burrito -- mouth-first." "And lastly, the school's orangutan mascot's been missing since last week." "If anyone sees it, alert the new head of the zoology department." "You mean that 4-foot-tall professor with the tweed jacket and no pants who started last week?" "Yes, Dr. Tang ooo-ooo-ah-ah." "I think it's "Ah-ah-ooo-ooo."" "No." "It's not." "So, Josh, how'd you break your ankle?" "The same way everyone in college breaks their ankle -- playing mushroom soccer." "Ahh, kicking mushrooms around." "Nothing's changed." "You don't seem like the other officers around here." "'Cause I'm not." "I'm just here to chill with you guys." "Why don't you think of me as a cool uncle?" "Yeah." "Your coolest uncle." "O...kay." "And if you change your mind about me signing your cast, just pick up one of the blue phones around campus." "That's what they're there for." "Well, that and rapes." "Stopping them!" "Officer Smith, what is your current tactical situation?" "Oh, I'm, uh..." "in pursuit of a Code 58." "I'm gonna initiate a 41-C." "You spotted a public sex act and you're doing a horse-based takedown?" "You know it, baby." "I wonder where it goes." "You kids about to play ultimate frisbee on the quad?" "I know -- we're not supposed to." "Oh, I don't care about that." "Just seems like you're short a player." "You want to...play?" "Does this answer your question?" "He's having a seizure!" "Quick -- put a wallet in his mouth!" "Yep, this is me right here -- Loeb Hall." "You like skids?" "Tokyo drift!" "Whoa!" "That was pretty sick." "Hey, how 'bout signing my cast?" "Yes!" "I was hoping you'd let me, so I've been practicing all day." "There you are, Mr. Cavendish -- all checked in." "Oh, just curious -- how did you hear about us?" "Hm." "Funny story, really." "I found you on Tripplanner." "Oh, you weren't kidding!" "That is hilarious, sir." "Well, I hope you'll enjoy your stay." "I expect I shall." "I'm a simple man, really." "There's only one thing I ask of you." "Name it." "Absolute perfection." "Will that be a problem?" "It shadn't -- not for this staff." "I only hope you're ready for absolute perfection, because it can be very overwhelming." "Oh, I think you'll find that I'm almost always underwhelmed." "Not while you're under my care." "Be careful promising what you can't deliver." "De-liver is our special for dinner tonight." "Woman, buy some liver." "Sorry I'm late." "Meghan just broke up with Duncan." "I had to talk her through it." "I was like, "What did you expect, Meghan?" "It's Duncan."" "Glad you survived your first day." "Survived it?" "I loved it!" "I mean, the kids are great." "They -- they keep saying I'm like their cool uncle." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "You're not here to make friends with the students." "If they see you as a friend, they won't accept you as an authority figure." "We just got a call from that girl in Loeb who hates parties." "Apparently, there's a kegger getting a little out of hand." "Code 6." "I'll go write 'em up." "Or we do this the easy way." "My boy Josh lives in that dorm." "He'll help me keep it mellow." "Just write 'em up and shut 'em down." "Remember, Smith, he's not your friend." "Oh, yeah?" "Then why'd he swipe me into the dining hall earlier?" "We mixed five cereals together, and now we're crunch brothers." "Hey, dudes and dudettes, hate to be this guy, but we got a call." "I said we got a call." "I'm gonna have to ask you to turn it down." "Hey, that you, Troy?" "Nope." "I think it was." "Josh!" "Hey!" "Officer Stan!" "Uncle Stan." "Nice room." "Dope mini fridge." "We got one at H.Q." "Fits three pepsis and Elliot's insulin." "Hey!" "Tina's here!" "What up, Teenz?" "You here to party?" "In a way." "I'm here to stop this party." "Come on, man." "Be cool." "Yeah, Uncle Stan." "All right, how 'bout we just turn the music down?" "And maybe stop drinking illegally." "Or how 'bout you get on your golf cart and, like, get out of here!" "Don't touch my stuff, man!" "You don't touch your stuff after I've touched your stuff, or I'll have to touch it again!" "That's it!" "Music's going off!" "What have you done?" "!" "My jambox!" "It was with me the first time I kissed a girl, when I lost my virginity, when I experimented with Kyle!" "Josh!" "Shut up, man!" "Oh, yeah, real embarrassing, Kyle." "You hooked up with beautiful, green-eyed Josh." "Finally -- I can sleep!" "Then do it, snitch!" "Consider that party busted." "Nice going, Smith." "How many citations you rack up?" "Well, none, actually." "I dealt with them more on a peer-to-peer level." "Uh, sir, there's people gathering in the quad." "Okay, it's just some kids from the party." "They're probably here to apologize." "Looks like we got ourselves a protest." "All this over a stupid jambox?" "Can they hear me?" "Hey, everybody." "Gather 'round uncle Stan for a quick powwow." "There he is -- the guy who trashed Josh's place!" "Oof." "They sound pissed." "Time to win 'em over with a little Willy Wonka razzle-dazzle." "Hey, you suck!" "Have you guys not seen this movie?" "You ruined our party!" "And abused your authority!" "What?" "!" "I was trying to be your bud!" "I'm cool Uncle Stan!" "Good with the frisbee." "Here -- let's toss it around!" "Joshie!" "Josh, look out!" "You're okay." "You're okay." "Waaaaaaaah!" "Brutality!" "It's all good!" "It's all good!" "It's all good!" "Uh-huh?" "Oh, dear." "I hope I haven't woken you." "Of course not." "We are always here to serve." "Mm." "I'm feeling a bit peckish." "Could you have the kitchen send up some bacon-wrapped scallops?" "I'll get my chef right on it." "And some lavender-scented hand towels?" "I'll speak to the maids." "Also, it's dark, so I can't be sure, but the lawn looks a bit scruffy by the bristly dewberry bush." "I'll check immediately." "Who the [bleep] is this guy?" "I don't have scallops." "A five-circle hotel has everything!" "I guess I could mold tuna fish into a little puck." "Or -- or I could cut a piece of hot dog off and cover it in fish oil." "I don't care how you do it!" "Just get it done!" "If you do the hot-dog way, make one for me." "Soak them in lavender oil." "But that'll ruin them!" "With the $49 he's spending for that room, you can buy all the towels in the world!" "Did you get by the dewberry bush?" "I have no idea." "Just mow it all!" "Mow everything!" "Everything is on its way." "Enjoy your evening." "One more thing." "I like to read before I go to sleep." "Tonight, I'm in the mood for a Charles Dickens novel... set in space... featuring the animals from the "Madagascar" films." "Tell him it's rough, but the bones are there." "Good morning." "I'm Greg Corbin here at Groff Community College, where a seed of protest planted last night has flowered and is now bearing angry fruit." "You know, if we fight 'em, it'll be a hell of a battle." "There's not gonna be a battle." "Looks like we're doin' a battle." "Just got off the horn with the chancellor." "Got to clear 'em out before it turns into a P.R. nightmare." "Did he authorize excessive force?" "He explicitly forbade it." "But there was a wink in his voice." "Yeah!" "All right!" "All right!" "Everyone got their riot gear on?" "This isn't real gear." "It says "Property of Theater Department."" "What -- are you afraid of the theater department?" "No, that wasn't my point at all." "Now get over here and arm up!" "We got zip cuffs, pepper spray, and some stuff we found on the fraternity lawns after pledge week." "Some of it's pretty badass." "No way!" "A "Scarface" poster!" "I know just where I'm putting this." "Say hello to my little basement apartment." "Look at these fools." "I feel like I'm watching "Paul Blart,"" "except I'm not peeing myself with laughter." "Hey, check it out, cap." "I can force this down their throats and pump 'em full of air!" "Nice!" "Let's see how long this protest lasts when they see their friends popping like blisters." "Whoa." "Guys, we're not gonna hurt anyone." "We're just gonna project strength and authority, and the kids will all go back to their dorms." "Right." "Right, right, right, right, right, right." "To war!" "Whoo-hoo!" "Yee-ha!" "Fan out in a line!" "No, no!" "Like a chorus line!" "A chorus line!" "Now you're lookin' like warriors!" "Disperse immediately, or we will disperse you by any means necessary!" "Oh, boy, these kids need cool Uncle Stan to stop this from getting ugly." "Students, listen to me!" "Your safety is at stake!" "He's threatening us!" "No, they are!" "They've got a green light to use force, and they're looking for an excuse!" "Go ahead and try it!" "We're documenting everything." "She's documenting me!" "I feel like I got to do something, man!" "Gimme that!" "See?" "These guys are gonna panic!" "They're not trained for this!" "They're just campus security!" "So are you!" "Well, it's really more of a vacation for me." "You're lying to yourself!" "Okay, it's not fair to say that, 'cause you don't really know me." "I know you're a dummy!" "Whoa!" "Hey!" "There's -- there's no need for name-calling." "Smith, are you okay?" "You're responding to every single thing the mob says." "I got this." "I got this." "Eat a doughnut, you dick!" "Hey, Stan!" "You're...not...a...cool...uncle." "Jo-o-o-sh!" "N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!" "You're a l-a-a-a-a-a-a-me uncle!" "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" "What did you do, Stan?" "!" "What did I do?" "You did it, Stan!" "You're a hero!" "I am?" "The way you picked yourself up and somehow got everyone to go back to their dorms -- amazing work." "Hi." "I'm the chancellor of this university." "I'm also Olympic gold medalist Mark Spitz." "Oh, my God!" "Mark Spitz!" "Easy, child." "I'd like to bestow upon you our highest honor -- my mustache." "Ah-choo!" "Aah!" "Uh..." "I'm still unconscious, aren't I?" "One more level to go." "What a shitstorm." "Oh, man, I can't believe I lost it." "It's just, I thought we were friends, and they said such terrible things." "That's why we told you not to get close to the students!" "First, I realize that I didn't meet Mark Spitz, and now an "I told you so"?" "I'm sorry." "You're right." "We don't single people out for blame around here." "In fact, we're gonna go out there and show everybody that we stand together on this." "Thank you." "I apologize for calling your entire unit unprofessional." "You did?" "I thought I did." "I mean to say it." "Apology accepted." "Now, before we go out there, let's take off our riot gear." "Great." "That way, they'll know we come in peace." "Actually, we have to get it back to the theater department." "They're doing a musical production of "New Jack City."" "I'd like to see that." "You can." "It is not sold out." "I trust we met your expectations?" "I confess, I had my doubts, but in the end, you passed my every test." "Would you say you had a five-circle visit?" "I...would." "You should all be proud." "Mr. Cavendish!" "Ah." "That would be my car." "Again, well done, all of you." "I get my room back!" "We did it!" "We came together, kept my perfect rating, and made enough money to save our coconut wa-a-a-a-it a second." "Did he pay anyone?" "Aaaaaaaaah!" "Oh, my God!" "That man crapped all over my room!" "It's back to the nut house for you." "Now, this is five-circle service." "It's everywhere!" "I know it's his 'cause there's hot-dog pieces in it!" "Let's do this, Stan!" "So, uh, who's gonna talk first?" "There he is!" "That's the guy who sprayed everyone!" "You're fired." "This man is no longer affiliated with the university." "Get him." "Let's rip him apart!" "Wait!" "Wait, wait, wait!" "I can explain everything!" "Let's hear him out!" "Some of us got here late!" "Thank you!" "The explanation for why I did what I did is... in my car!" "May I go to my car?" "That sounds reasonable." "Let him go to his car!" "Let!" "Him!" "Go to his car!" "Let!" "Him " "No, no, wait!" "He can use his car to get away!" "Cars go!" "Oh, my God!" "He was really tricky there!" "I'm sorry for what happened, but the guy you're angry at -- he's gone." "He disappeared with the badge and uniform." "You see, sometimes when you change on the outside, you change on the inside." "That doesn't mean you didn't make mistakes." "But you learn from them." "Just as I've learned from all of you." "And isn't that what college is about?" "Learning." "Friendship." "The dorms." "The health center." "Hold on!" "He's just saying stuff!" "Yeah!" "He's still trying to get to his car!" "Stop him!" "Agent Smith, would you like some toast with your jam?" "Ha!" "Suck it!" "Bring me up!" "Up!" "Up, up, up, up, up!" "What are you waiting for?" "!" "Your signal, of course." "I'm saying "Up"!" "Oh. "Up" is the signal for "Up" now?" "Not very covert." "Smith, I saw you on the news." "You really made a hash of things." "I know." "This was supposed to be a super-chill gig." "And it would've been if I hadn't tried to be friends with all these damn kids." "Smith, kids don't want to be friends with old farts." "They wanted to par-tay, and you pepper-sprayed them." "What say we spray them with something a little more fun?" "Fire up the tequila cannon!" "On loan from Señor Frog's." "They have several of our hellfire missiles." "Oh, and good news, Smith -- you got your job back!" "I took another look at the budget, and I couldn't believe how much money we were wasting on helicopter maintenance." "Oh, God!" "It's between the mattress and the box spring!" "It's smushed into the outlets!" "It's under the carpet!" "It's in my DVD tray!" "It's trying to play it!" "It's where the batteries are supposed to be inside my smoke detector!" "It's between every page of my books!" "It looks like my pillow is in my pillowcase, but it is not!"