"Fifhteen years ago in Tromaville," "New Jersey, the Toxic Chemical Capital of the world little mop boy Melvin Fyrd, a 98-pound weakling was teased taunted, and other bad stuff, until he fell into a barrel of toxic chemical waste." "Transforming him into a hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength;" "Melvin became The Toxic Avenger, the first superhero from New Jersey!" "Then two really shitty sequels were made..." "sorry about that." "This is the real sequel." "Okay kids, today we're going to celebrate our special friends below the border." "We are going to celebrate take a Mexican to Lunch Day." "Can we say that?" "Mexican." "Very, very good." "Now that's where the hard working Mexicans take naps during the day." "Just like us?" "Just like us." "Exactly like us." "Tito, v_hat do you think you're doing young" "Listen bitch, lust because I'm a tard doesn't mean that you have to treat me like one." "But because I'm "special," l don't think I'm ever gonna get laid, so why can't I masturbate?" "Tito!" "Okay kids, now do you know what you're eating?" "That's right tacos." "Can you say taco?" "Taco." "All right you fucking retards drop your" "Fuck this man, I'm outta here." "What on earth do you think you're doing, young man?" "I'm trying to teach a class here." "What kind of man are you?" "This kind." "___ ___ 1_I:__:., ,_' _,;, _:___,_ _______,_ _,;.,_ '.,_:___,_'.___1i,__ _II:__ I, i_ __,_. 'I', .I '., __ _:.,I,'_) _, , ,___!" ", ,_, ,'__,;:i ,_,." "to bring you this very special report." "Well folks it looks like we've got another" "You take this one." "I did the last three." "The terrorist group in question, the Diaper Mafia, have taken the Tromaville School for the" "We're going to go live now to the Tromaville School for the Very Special where our correspondent Cindy Tata is" "Tromaville police chief Newman about this very subject." "Stick with us aRer the break where our very own Josh Levitsky will share some of those mouth-watering recipes for butternut squash." "Oooh, aaah, I like that That's good" "Like a living Martha Stewart But isn't she still alive?" "Nigga, please." "Chief Newman, what caused the Diaper Mafia horrible acts of violence?" "Well, uh, ah, no comment." "I can't believe this is happening in" "You ask me, these diaper mafia punks ale" "What is the use of sending these retards to school in the first place?" "All right, Tex, time to kill another one." "Yes, daddy." "Chief Newman, the Diaper Mafia has said they will execute a special student every half hour until their demands have been met." "Really?" "Yet it's been at least 35 minutes since never mind" "Well, that's a damn shame it had to happen on" "Take Mexicans to Lunch Day and all." "You hear that, pigs, you hear that?" "You" "You hear that hear that hear that?" "A tard dies every five minutes unless the" "You got that?" "!" "Got that got that?" "I'm working on it, really I'm working on it." "Please don't shoot any more of those tards." "I mean those special kids." "Fuck the fucking tards!" "I'm sick and tired of their drooling and whining!" "Now why is it when I shit my pants, it's a fucking social faux pas?" "But when a tard shits his pants, a good-looking nurse wipes his ass for him, huh?" "She's got her head up her ass." "Tex, Tex, Tex check it out!" "Pregger pi-ata!" "HA HA HA!" "Hey hey, you've got your head up your ass!" "Fuck you!" "Fuckin people!" "That's what separates us from the pussies like the Trenchcoat Mafia, the Flat Top Mafia, and the No-Pants Mafia." "Didn't you hear what Kazinski said?" "Fucking tard." "Gun!" "Nooooo!" "Mayor Goldberg, how do you feel about the" "Try not to harp about the five that are dead." "Think about the hundreds of students that are still living, still breathing, and let's pray for an end to all this murder and mayhem and garbage." "Let's pray." "Let's pray." "Get off the phone!" "Let's pray, godammit!" "You too." "Oh lord, in your divine wisdom, please find it in your heart to put an end to this murder and filth and trash and garbage." "Oh, and please help us to get re-elected one more time ok?" "Thank you very much God, and amen." "Amen." "Dye-a-nu" "Thank God you're here." "What took you so I had to change." "It takes a while." "Yeah, ok." "All right, kid, hold on, all I got the Really Real Bikini TV crew here." "The Diaper Mafia's demands have not yet been issued, and yet, speculation has already begun as to the motivation behind the senseless attack" "on the mentally feeble student body." "What do you think, Nick?" "I'm gonna have to go with heavy metal music on this one, Jason." "Aah, interesting." "But what about that best-selling video game Kill All the Retards?" "Could be a factor, Jason" "But we cannot forget about the rap music." "Very popular with the kids. I personally, am not a fan of rap music." "I think you could put a c in front of rap and call it you-know-what." "I don't think you should go that far." "Not a fan." "I think you're going too far." "Not a fan." "All right, I think you've established that." "You know I think the worst part is that we'll never know" "Well that won't stop me from casting my" "_ll, it certainly couldn't be violence in the ne;r_J" "Oh God no." "I mean we may broadcast death and tragedy, in his heart, and I think you'll back me up on this I will back you up." "We would never glorify it." "You like that, don't you retard?" "Hello, Tex, Samantha Chambers, Really Real Bikini TV." "This is my morbidly obese sidekick." "I mean, cameraman, Joe." "Well Samantha, looks like I won't have to frisk you for weapons." "Hey, listen lady, I didn't call you in here to fuck you." "I called you in here because the Really Real Bikini TV show is the number one show in America." "Now tell fatty there to turn on the camera." "I'm gonna show ya something." "Okay." "You see this bitch right here?" "Wasting perfectly good tax dollars trying to "teach" the un-teachable." "And if there's one thing the Diaper Mafia hates more than RETARDS, it's genetic traitors." "Now, I'm gonna show you what we do to bitches like that." "_ger, 01 =1 1 =04=21 , 01 =1 1 =08=25,Tromaville's of superhuman size and strength." "If that's the Toxic Avenger, where's his ward and sidekick Fatass?" "It's Lardass, punk!" "Let's fight." "Toxie's got his head up his ass." "I've got my head up my ass." "Children, duck!" "Duck!" "No no no no!" "Toxie!" "No." "You can't kill me Toxie." "You see this exploding timing device on my chest?" "You see that bomb over there in the corner?" "Kiss your school goodbye." "Oh my God!" "Five seconds aRer my heart stops this school is nothin' but dead tards and charred lard." "Hey!" "That's right!" "Kazinski said you'd be here." "Oh that's right!" "__ ___ ___, __g_G fl ___m_ in the first place anyway, huh?" "He understands this world is full of unthinking cattle that need to be led into the new millennium with a new order." "And the first step in the process is to genetically mutated freaks and shit!" "Ha-ha-heh-heh." "That' wasn't a nice thing to say." "Excuse me, miss Wiener" "Toxie, you were always my best student" "Thanks!" "No Toxie!" "Don't let your Tromatons control" "Tromatons?" "Think Toxie, if his heart stops the bomb'll go off!" "Aaaaagh!" "put it back in!" "Aaaaaaagh!" "Ugh, there you go, good as new!" "Oh darn it." "Oh darn it." "Come on Toxie let's get these kids out of" "This building's about to explode!" "This bomb is now armed." "Detonation in T" "This would be easier if I had a mop." "minus 5 seconds." "These drugs are gonna blow my ass off" "Whoa." "What the?" "Didn't your special helper tell you that drugs are bad for you?" "Fuck off super zero!" "I'm lust trying to act like all the other cool cats my age." "Ahh!" "What's the deal Tox?" "Well the deal is, I lust can't standby and I'm not killin' myself drugs kill my pain." "Being a teenager sucks." "Um, well" "Being a retarded teenager sucks worse." "Drugs make it suck less." "You're pretty articulate for a druggie special student." "What's articulatit?" "Ahhh!" "Ummm!" "Come on!" "No Toxie!" "Church and state must remain separated!" "Holy cow!" "Lardass, I have to go impregnate" "Action sausage nunchuks Deli style!" "T minus 3 seconds." "Oh Toxie hurry!" "Do you feel what time it is?" "Oh yeah, yeah, YEAH!" "Ugh." "Ooooh." "Ungh." "Oh Toxie, in my blind eyes you are the most beautiful man in the world." "I can't believe it's not butter!" "You know Sarah, I have a good feeling about the sex we had just now I really think I got you pregnant." "Oh!" "What time is it?" "Oh!" "Melvin what's gotten into you?" "I know you're really excited about the results of the pregnancy test aren't you?" "Umm yeah that's it Sarah" "No Sarah I gotta get back to the school, the special kids are in trouble" "What am I to you anymore Melvin?" "I feel like a giant ovary with a hundred and ten pounds of flesh attached." "God!" "Sarah, what are you saying?" "That's not what it is at all." "I love you." "Well I lust can't seem to understand why Lardass can't do some of the" ""_,;:" "I'__.:._'I',I'i',.__II"__',',___# :,'_:",',':":_.,__".,:,',I_'__," "I know I know Lardass is all grown up now, but when I made him my ward all those years ago, I promised him we'd be partners." "I know he's a big boy now a really, really big boy now but he's lust not to defend Tromaville on his own." "You go to your Lardass!" "Maybe he'll have I love you Sarah." "Yeah." "Toxie's here!" "Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D why aren't you in there helping the Toxic Avenger?" "I'm a New York City police officer this is not my jurisdiction besides Toxie suggested I stay out here and stake out the area." "Yeah because I can guard everyone out here with my amazing oriental super powers and so everyone should be safe outside with me here behind this fence." "I think you should actually come in here" "T minus 2 seconds." "Toxie, Toxie!" "The bomb is about to go off!" "T minus 1 second." "Thank heavens for my emergency peanut" "Come on kids." "Let's go, we have no time to waste!" "We've got to evacuate the building." "You're dead." "You?" "You're dead." "Let's get out of here!" "Come on, let's go, move it!" "T minus O seconds, the bomb will now blow" "Thank you for shopping at Kmart." "Lardass, what are you doing?" "We've got to get out of here!" "No Melvin, there's no time!" "There are too many people in the building, we'll never get them out." "Lardass, no!" "Don't eat the bomb" "Lardass, NO!" "Even your superhuman stomach can't contain it!" "Noooo!" "What have I done?" "It's ok, Toxie, sweetie loves you" "Speak for yourself, biotch." "Fuck this man, I'm outta here." "Get outta my way pussies." "Oh Lardass!" "My friend." "Alright men, ready, aim, make guns go bang." "Alright men, move aRer him and use extreme caution." "That lumpy headed bastard is dangerous." "Get in the car!" "Oh?" "Ok. I suppose I owe you a thanks." "Don't mention it boss, I'm just glad I decided to stick around." "You lust can't trust school kids these days." "Crack deal?" "Crack deal?" "Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD what are you talking about?" "Sgt?" "NYPD?" "What?" "Huh?" "What's wrong with you, Noxie?" "Are you selling the crack or are you smoking it?" "Huh?" "Shit!" "Hang on Noxie!" "Noxie?" "Did you see that?" "That was a stop sign!" "Oh!" "Lookout!" "What are" "Those are police!" "What's wrong with you Noxie?" "You'd think you've never been chased by the cops before." "I haven't." "Everybody back, everybody back, just relax, stay calm." "Toxie you alright?" "What happened in there?" "Hey medics, get over here, get Toxie over to the emergency ward." "You alright?" "Come here!" "Stay back everybody!" "He's armed." "What the hell did you do to the chief?" "Wow!" "Go Toxie!" "Toxie, what could've prompted this vicious attack on the citizens of Tromaville'" "No fucking comment." "Here how bout some hand me downs." "YES!" "Any final statement?" "Shut your fucking cake hole!" "This doesn't look good." "No it doesn't fuckin' look good." "We should do something" "Do something like what?" "Did you see what he just did to the fuckin' chief?" "Fuck that, I'm leavin'." "Are you comin'?" "Yeah, ok." "Faggot #1 meet faggot #2." "Bingo!" "Say it ain't so Toxie, say it ain't so." "It is so." "Hold this fat ass." "Oopsie daisy!" "Coming up at 1 1 =OO, Toxie kills virtually everyone in Tromaville." "And our very own Josh Levinsky gets jiggy with it." "Hang on Noxie, I can't pass this up." "Kabukiman!" "That was an illegal U turn!" "Old Lady dead ahead!" "This is an American made car." "Every time they flip 25 feet in the air and crash down, they blow up!" "Let's get out of here." "God damn." "Oh Toxie!" "Toxie, the children picked these for you." "Ah, go fuck yourself." "Toxie!" "What the hell is going on here?" "What is going on indeed." "The events, which you are witnessing, have proven my theories regarding the truly fragile nature of the space-time continuum." "Nurse." "Blackboard" "Perfect." "As you can plainly see, for every dimension, there exists a diametric opposite of that dimension." "When two explosions of equal mass occurred simultaneously, the barrier between Tromaville, and it's dimensional doppelganger," "Amortville, was weakened for a moment." "This breach caused the Toxic Avenger," "and his evil opposite the Noxious Offender to enter each other's reality." "Well, that's pretty good for a shriveled up cripple, who can't get it up." "That is it hell-bitch. I don't need to take this shit from you." "My erectile dysfunction has been resolved see." "Thanks to the modern miracle of penile implant it merely takes a few squeezes of my scrotal" "_ _ _ _",_,',""',_',"',',_,',";,','.,',_",',',_,"',",',',_,',',',"I,' ,':_,','I,'_,',","_"",',"',","_,_",',_,",',',',!" ":_",_,"',',',"',',",",",','," "Now get over here and I'll show you shriveled." "Unzip me, and you'll be happy to launch" "I die, but my insane theories live on." "_ey Noxie!" "Where ya been?" "Long time no see" "Hey Noxie, want some of this?" "Ah No thank you." "Thanks for the offer but no." "What is this evil, evil place?" "Toxie!" "Nice work at the school my friend." "You need a ride some place?" "Grandma, grandma, grandma, grandma, grandma, grandma, grandma" "How am I supposed to smoke this crack without a fucking pipe?" "Fuck off Spazmo, that's the deal." "But, but, but, the deal was the three of you guys for a rock and a stem." "Look, look, look, you got your crack right, right?" "Now, go smoke your shit, and get out of here." "We'll try not to fuck her up too bad for you, okay?" "Bu but but, that wasn't the deal" "That's it." "Now I'm going to have to freak you." "Stop that right now." "Hey, hey Noxie." "What's going on man?" "You wanna help us beat up the retarded guy?" "Or you, hey you wanna help us rape her?" "Yeah, yeah." "Didn't you learn your lesson last time I Disemboweled you, shoved your head up your ass, and killed you with your own diaper?" "What?" "What?" "Huh?" "Guess not." "Sweetie, are you okay?" "The bad boys were trying to touch me." "Bad boys, bad boys." "They're gone now, everything is okay." "Keep calm you sweetie and honey." "What's your name little girl?" "Sweetie Honey." "Uh, okay." "Do you know where you live?" "We gotta get you home." "I tried but, my home was gone. 1 122 Maplegrove Rd." "Tromaville, New Jersey." "Just like Grandma said, and it was gone." "And you?" "What the heck were you doing?" "Looking for a crack pipe." "What did it look like I was doing?" "It looked like you were selling Sweetie Honey for drugs!" "And it looks like I saved you from a severe beating." "What are you doing here, and where is your home?" "Man, I don't have a home. I am a loner." "And Sweetie's house is gone, lust like she said." "That is ridiculous." "Come on, Sweetie Honey." "See kids, here's the dump, right where l said it would be." "Now we'll go in my shack and call your parents." "Parents?" "No parents, mom and dad died and then Auntie Em took me in, but Auntie Em hit me too much so then nice lady took me to grandma." "Well, we'll call whoever, and Sarah will make you some lunch, and" "Where's my shack?" "It was right here." "See?" "I told you." "I don't think we're in Tromaville anymore Toto." "Tito, my name is Tito." "Whatever." "What are you going to do now, Mr. Kingshit?" "I don't know. I really don't know." "I'm hungry." "You said that I was going to have lunch." "I'm really really hungry." "You want lunch too?" "No, see I am a iunkie, so I don't have to eat." "But boy am I thirsty, do you have any whiskey or any booze?" "Here you go kids, something to eat and drink." "Eww, gross." "This whiskey tastes like pregnant lady's piss." "What kind of sandwich is this?" "Congratulations Sorry you're pregnant." "You know, I don't know why on the commercials, they say these pregnancy tests are hard to read, this seems pretty clear to me." "01 =31=Ol=20 ,01 =31=09=1 O ,We did it!" "I'm gonn:" "A daddy?" "Yeah, I made a baby." "Baby!" "Yeah I love babies." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Ha ha ha!" "Wait a second, wait a second I gotta find Sarah." "I gotta." "}w to get home. 01 =31=23=1 O ,01 =31=24=1 O ,I go" "You gotta get me lunch." "Okay. I'm gonna figure out how to get us home, I'm gonna get you some lunch." "And uh." "Lunch." "and you two stay here." "Stay here?" "Stay here." "Here?" "Yeah, it's a lot safer here." "It's dangerous and unpredictable out there." "So lust stay here and I'll be back for you just as soon as I can, okay?" "Bye." "Stay here, stay here, stay here." "Who does the Toxic Avenger think he is?" "My parents?" "Fuck this place man, I'm out of here." "No!" "Tito, you can't go." "Toxie said to stay here." "He's over there, and you're over there and we have to stay here." "Tito, no, cause I don't want to be alone." "Cause Toxies goin' over there, and you're goin' over there and I have to stay here and mommy and daddy ran away, and Auntie Em was really mean, and Uncle Bobby was really mean and" "I don't want to be alone!" "Tito I don't want to be alone!" "Tito come back!" "Come back!" "Okay, Okay." "Okay." "You are giving me a stomachache in my brain." "If you don't want to be a lonesome you have to come with me but I am in charge I make choices out here." "Kay." "Let's go. I am in charge." "Thanks Tito." "Will you hold my hand." "No." "That's okay." "Please hold my hand." "You know Toxie I used to think that you were one of those namby pamby pussy-footin' mother fuckers." "You know one of those bleeding heart heroes that's always makin' my job difficult." "But you're actually a bad guy." "You're all right." "Thanks." "Uh oh." "You better split Toxie." "This press conference is about you." "I'll hang around and see what the deal is, then we'll meet at your house later." "Go on." "My place?" "Go go go." "Oh lick my balls." "Mother fucker." "Jesus Fucking H. Christ." "Fuck." "I never trusted Toxie!" "Yeah!" "I knew he was bad from day one!" "Yeah!" "That's my husband you're talking about." "He loves you people!" "Bullshit!" "We all loved Chief Newman." "Face it!" "Toxie's gone mad!" "Yeah!" "Wait!" "Wait Everybody!" "Toxie saved me and my unborn child from the bomb." "Toxie's a hero!" "Hero's don't double amputate police chiefs and hurl twelve-year-old children into brick walls!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Please." "Please." "Quiet down folks." "Let's get down to the Lord's work." "We all saw the Toxic Avenger kill, not only our beloved police chief, but innocent bystanders as well." "So, we've got to bring him in." "For questioning!" "Not shot by some vigilante citizens group." "Fear not citizens!" "I have assembled the only team capable of bringing him in." "Super Heroes, united one and all, to protect Tromaville." "And I thank God for it." "Now to introduce them first, please put your hands together and give the clap to The Vibrator." "Hhhhhhhhi!" "Yeah!" "Our next superhero protects creatures of the ocean." "Please give a warm Tromaville welcome to Dolphin Man!" "Unfortunately, there's not much water here so Dolphin Man is pretty useless." "But, we have somebody stronger, more powerful, much better looking." "Who are they going to bring out next?" "A cow that walks upright?" "Please welcome Mad Cowboy!" "Jesus Christ!" "Now, when rock super star Mastur G and mild mannered sex offender John Bator" "went into the same faulty elevator little did they realize that they would emerge as one man a man that could fight crime with shear repulsion and bad rhyming." "Please give a warm welcome to combined Mastur G and John Bator" "Masturbator!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the masturbator, the freaky palm god." "y egg nog. 01 =42=20=25 ,01 =42=23=10 ,Look out Here it comes, here it comes," "it's comin' up Tromaville." "Yeah, ooh, ooh hoo." "Here I go, yeah." "And now, last but not least, the man to beat the man, the crflme de la crflme the greatest superhero of all please welcome Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD" "Thank you mayor." "Thank you very much sir." "Thank you." "I lust want to assure every citizen of Tromaville that" "_,_._,_, , ',_# , ','.: :_:" "I";_,I _' ' _,' , :,_,I '_ :" "I", :,',_ __,I ': _,: _ : ':,', _ :,_, _ _., 3_,__ _ :,_,' ', :,_ _, _,_I ' "_,_ _ ' I" "What a dumbass." "Why, I could take him out with my heat seeking chopsticks," "or, or I could suffocate him with my computerized 16 bite sushi," "or burn him, burn him with my pyro projectile parasols." "I have many more to take him out, but I don't think that will be necessary," "Toxie will come in on his own." "He was just having a bad day." "We all have bad days!" "You know, maybe we don't go around ripping off the arms of the police chief, and bash priests and cops in the heads with" "Thank you!" "He's probably bi-polar." "Abraham Lincoln was bi-polar and what did he do?" "He freed the slaves." "So you see, if we lust sit back, relax, everything will come to a peaceful Kabuki conclusion." "Thank you Kabukiman well as you can see Tromaville is in very capable hands." "This concludes our press conference." "Now, the moment you've all been waiting for= the puppet show." "Fucking metal ball, fucking grass, fucking street, fucking fence, fucking fat girl." "Toxie?" "Toxie, I'm your biggest fan!" "That's great." "Even a simple crack whore like me, working her way through art school, can appreciate the finer aspects of you." "Where is my house?" "Maybe we should follow the signs." "Hmm, Toxie's Shack" "The plastique palace." "That's me!" "That's lust wrong." "Stop!" "Hold on!" "Oh shoot!" "There goes one of his arms." "Oh, poor baby." "Oh yeah." "Look at that." "Oh, he got" "He's a little bitty boy." "You see that thing runnin' aRer us with the mop?" "I don't know, man, but he sure is ugly!" "C'mon step on it, let's go!" "He's getting mighty close." "Oh no, he's lumping into the back of the car." "Stop, you!" "Stop the car!" "What the good goddamn was that!" "?" "What're we gonna do?" "What're we gonna do?" "Will you say something?" "Aaaah!" "I'm afraid, I'm afraid!" "Get away from me, please please, I was only kiddin'!" "Please, no, don't attack me, please!" "Hey ugly, ugly come here!" "Gee, I'm really sorry you lost your body." "It's ok ugly hero, it hurts but I've been through worse." "You know a black man in America gets used to having nobody behind him." "I guess I lust got nobody at all" "Hey, what are we gonna do about that crazy ass white boy up there?" "Well, I know what we can do with that mutha fucker." "White power!" "White Power!" "White power!" "Hey boys I brought you a present." "White Power!" "Hey, don't you recognize me?" "White Power!" "White Power!" "What you doin?" "That was fun." "Thanks again for saving my life super guy." "Hey my name'sPompey." "Pleased to meet you Pompey, I'm Toxie." "Sorry." "Well here we are Pompey, the Plastique Palace." "Oh yeah dude, you don't got to give me the play by play, lust get me my body back." "Will do." "Mr. Offender Huh?" "Oh I thought you were inspecting the hot dog factory today." "It's not the penile implant, is it?" "No no no!" "I mean, um no!" "Everything's fine with the uh penile implant." "But will you fix my friend here?" "Oh hey, how ya doing there?" "Pretty ugly." "I can hear that bitch!" "Who you calling ugly?" "Get my fucking head out of this bag here and just give me my body back alright?" "I think we can take care of it!" "Thanks!" "is that what you do here?" "Give me a new body. I mean build me one." "Think you can give me one of those bionic bodies or something like that." "Get me a new body, alright?" "Hotdog parts." "Yes ma'am." "You make a brother into a hotdog?" "You lucky l ain't got my feet!" "I'd kick yo ass!" "I'm really hungry. I'm really hungry." "Ok Ok." "You are so annoying!" "No wonder everybody hates retarded people!" "I'm really hungry." "Hungry hung ry hungry hungry hung ry." "Hey, lets go to the office and fuck!" "C'mon let's get you some hot dogs." "Hot dogs!" "I really love hot dogs, Hot dogs." "Aaaah!" "Help me!" "Help me!" "So that's how they make hot dogs." "Gross." "I'm never eating hot dogs again." "Get me out of this bucket of body parts and help me find my real body." "Help me, oh my God!" "Hey, buddy can you spare some change for an out of work particle physicist?" "Lardass?" "Lardass!" "Fuck you, Mr. Lumpyhead!" "I can't believe you're alive!" "I thought you were dead." "First of all, my name's not Lardass, it's Chester." "I resent the implication." "Secondly, I wish I was dead." "Huh?" "I was a scientist, one of the greatest in the world, and now I'm reduced to being the greatest cocksucker in the world." "Without my Claire, life is meaningless." "Hey, that's my wife!" "is that what you call her?" "So you're really not my Lardass?" "I'm not Lardass, I'm Chester!" "I'm lust a common street whore who happens to know the key to inter-dimensional travel." "lnter-dimensional travel?" "The ability to travel between dimensions." "And then my Claire was kidnapped, by your goons, evil crime Lord." "Then I lust gave up the proiect, gave up my life as I knew it." "But what do you care?" "To you I'm lust a little piece of human shit another life shattered by your evil reign." "Another story to tell your cronies while sitting up in your mansion up there 4 blocks up on the right." "What's the matter?" "My lips aren't sweet enough for your toxic testicle nectar?" "Don't worry, Chester, I'll be back." "Well when you come back you'd better bring cash or pastries or you're not gonna get to touch this ass." "Melvin, is that you?" "I heard what happened at school today." "You can hear?" "Of course I can hear." "I was so worried about you." "ARer all, our soon to be baby needs a daddy." "And look at the little baby outfit I made, there's even a little mop." "Wait." "You're pregnant?" "Well, yeah l'm pregnant." "Melvin, your hands," "they're so sor." "Oooh, your manly chest, it's not quite so manly anymore." "Umm, I've been eating a lot of melons lately." "Oooh, Melvin!" "Somehow your wiener has miraculously turned into a vagina." "What's going on around here?" "Just relax." "Oooow!" "It's good for our relationship, it's good for the baby." "Yeah, ok." "Whooo!" "Yeah, it's good for the baby, baby." "I don't know what Noxie sees in this bitch, anyways." "ass is so much sweeter than hers!" "Where is _" "I' ','.I '_ _' , _._'_ ,_ '_',',__:', '_',_'_. ___ _____I'_ 'II' ;,' _ ' ,__,I_," ' i _ __I __,:_,__,_',;" "Get off me, you" "Cock chugging masochist!" "Look you pervert, lust get get off!" "Woo, ok, it's time for the rough stuff." "I'll be right over here, Noxie." "Excuse me, madam." "Claire, wake up, wake up, Claire." "Rise and shine, come on." "Don't worry, we'll get you outta here in a jiffy." "Woah!" "Hey!" "Wait a second, you can see?" "Of course I can see, stupid." "You're deaf?" "What is this, some kind ofioke?" "Blast!" "I wish I took those sign language classes at Tromaville Community College." "Well, that's ok. I can read lips, you dirty dumb dumb dumb ass!" "What's a matter?" "Why don't you rape me rape me and beat me beat me like you usually do, you fuckin' pervert!" "Fill my chocolate starfish with your chunky, chunky dick snot." "Come on, come and do it now." "Come and get it over with." "No, no." "Hold it, hold it, you don't understand." "Yeah." "Oooooh, yeah." "Firey" "It's explosive." "Well ladies, now that you're all warmed up, are your chocolate starfish ready for my chunky dick snot?" "Oh my God," "get that thing away from me!" "Where you going?" "Where did the lovely lady go?" "You're about to find out all the answers to all your questions." "Look, not that I can't, but I'm married." "Will you get off!" "?" "I'm trying, damn it!" "Claire Claire" "Look Claire, look, I know I may look like that Noxie character, but I'm not him." "I'm totally different." "What's a-matter, did I do something wrong?" "Have I been a bad girl?" "I'll do anything you want." "Just don't hurt me no more!" "Chester sent me." "Chester?" "I'm your daddy now." "I'm about to have your abortion." "Better not be another Jehovah's witness." "Fuck off!" "Oh, it's you." "Toxie, I've got a little proposition for you." "What say we take a little ride?" "Ok." "Wait, can we stop for ice cream?" "Hey, hold it right there, Noxie!" "What's wrong with you man?" "You're and now what?" "Takin' the sex slave out for a romantic dinner?" "I don't know what's gotten into you, but it's not right." "Now why don't' you take that slut back to the pit where she belongs and come with me." "We've got something to discuss." "What the fuck!" "?" ":, _______,\,:, ,_:; _ __ ;,_I__;__ ,_,_:__ ___;, ;:_ ___'. _ _____:,_,;_I I_,___ ______ : , _ _1" "Run Claire Run!" "I knew it." "I knew something was wrong." "You're not the real Noxie aRer all, are you?" "That may be, but I know Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD and you sir are no Sgt, Kabukiman NYPD." "in his special piece about lesbians titled" "Strappin' it on and getting up over in there." "Lord, Jesus, Mother Mary, you up there." "It's me, Mayor Goldberg of Tromaville." "Rootin' around." "Hey, I know where l'm gonna be at 1 1." "Hey, that's appointment TV!" "I really really need you." "Lord, I need a sign, just any sign, lust to show me that you're here for the people of Tromaville." "Please Lord, lust lust any sign just a sign." "Please any sign." "Oh well, thanks for taking the time to listen." "I feel better for asking." "Amen." "Coming up at 1 1 , Mayor Goldberg out Toxie in." "Toxie?" "Toxie?" "What?" "Who's there?" "Look, my name ain't Mister Head, man, it's Pompey." "Oh, Pompey, it's very nice to meet you." "My name is Tito." "Yah how you doin', Tito?" "Pompey, lets make a deal." "Uh-huh." "If you chew through my ropes, I won't let you become meat product, ok?" "Shit, that sounds like a plan to me," "Tito." "Come here." "Chew, chew, Pompey!" "Chew like the wind!" "Chew Pompey, but hurry or else you'll become Pompey headcheese..." "Wha!" "Not headcheese, no!" "Almost...." "Alright, got it" "Come get me, get me." "Fuck this man, I'm outta here." "Me too!" "Me too!" "Help!" "Me too!" "Me too!" "Ok, ready, here we go." "Wait Tito!" "Toxie needs help." "No!" "No no no!" "What do I do?" "You big retarded pussy!" "You better get your ass over there and help that retarded girl." "You go girl!" "You hit him!" "Hit him again!" "He'll survive that." "You get him, retarded girl." "Work it out." "Come, we gotta get out of here." "Dead end." "Dead end." "Dead end." "Toxie, we've got to go." "Oh no, no no." "What happened?" "Kabukiman's coming." "We've got to go." "Come on, let's go, let's go." "Jump, chickenshit." "C'mon Let's go." "I don't want to go I don't want to go." "Go" "Damn." "Damn they're very slowly getting away" "Oh Well, Fuck'em." "Tromaville news on the march." "Mayor Goldberg, Tromaville's liberal kubla khan, dead at 52." "What is to become of Tromadu?" "Tromadu!" "What will happen to the stately pleasure dome he built with the taxpayers money?" "Tromadu, where man and beast play," "and women play with each other." "Tromadu, haven to the artsy and to the fartsy," "and who can forget the interpretive dancers?" "People are letting it all hang out at one of the famous Tromadu grotto parties." "Look here, it's the Toxic Avenger," "Tromaville's newest mayor." "Mr. Toxie, how did you find cultural conditions in Tromaville?" "With great difficulty." "Hey Toxie, what do you make of this easy on the eyes Jackson Pollack-esque painting here?" "Oh," "well l guess everyone's a critic." "Look at these young lovers, enioying the bounteous pleasures at Tromadu." "I could die in these breasts." "Bullseye!" "Cupid strikes again." "And so does Toxie." "That's what I call a faceliR." "Looking good, Toxie." "At Tromadu, Toxie is always ahead in the polls, or a pole in the head." "Whoopsie daisy." "Uh oh, the party's over says Toxie." "Wow." "It looks like Toxie's really tuckered out." "Uh, What's that on your face, Toxie?" "Nose blood." "Toxie promises his first action as mayor will be to kill all those goofy superheroes, especially Kabukiman." "Oh my gosh, we're doomed." "We're doomed." "We're gonna die." "Wait, we getting all chicken, it's about time we do some evil ass kickin'." "That's really nice, Masturbator, but fuck that." "I'm not going to die, not in Jersey." "Now I'm getting the hell out of here." "MOOOOOO!" "My God, I never thought of it that way before." "Now let's save Tromaville." "Yeah!" "Go Mad Cowboy." "Go Dolphin Man." "Go Masturbator." "Speed it up Vibrator." "I'm cominggggggg!" "That Kabuki-faggot ran away." "I kicked his ass good." "I guess that takes" "well l guess that" "I guess I guess that takes care of that." "I, Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD am a failure." "I suck." "My arm is broken." "My leg is all fucked up." "And I gotta pee like a race horse." "Where's the hospital?" "Aaaaww shite!" "This ain't no fuckin' hospital!" "It's not the fuckin hospital!" "Hey, ya got a pisser in here?" "Cause' l've gotta pee real bad." "Yes I do." "Oh my Gosh, who could do such a thing to a defenseless, beautiful," "hot, exceedingly attractive woman like that?" "I must, I must free her, yeah." "Here I come, Kabukiman to the rescue." "Hold on there damsel in distress." "Your hero is about to arrive, to save." "I'm here to rescue you." "Just grab these knots." "Undo these knots." "This knot." "This is not easy." "Have a pie." "See ya tomorrow?" "Alright, alright, who's next?" "Claire is that you?" "Oh Chester." "Claire!" "I though you were dead!" "I was dead without your love." "I dreamt of you every single night." "__ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ ",_,":,_:_,",',",_,_,'_.í,",'_,',','_,_,_,_'_"_,',_:_,",',",..,_# ,',"'.,_",",'._,_" "the rape, the torture, the corn holing that fucker Noxie put me through." "Ohhhh." "Oh my darling look what he did to your face." "That doesn't matter now." "All that matters is that I'm here with you." "Oh Chester!" "Ooh Yea!" "Do you remember the cheese?" "I saved the cheese for you, Claire." "I've been waiting so long to cut the cheese for you, Claire." "Oh Claire, I love you." "You're pregnant!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "That's wonderful doctor!" "You're pregnant with two babies." "Two babies!" "?" "From what appears to be two completely different fathers." "And that's preposterous!" "That must be good and evil." "Right." "Well what can I do about that doctor?" "Well I'm glad you asked that question." "Nurse?" "Oh lovely, lust like that." "Thank you." "What I have done is extracted the actual fluid from the feti inside your body." "This is the good fluid, this is the evil fluid." "You can tell because it's red." "Now, inside your body you have to make a choice because these two right, they're fighting, fighting, fighting." "One will win, and eventually this is what it will look like." "That sizzles." "That will be you." "The choice is very simple and clearly yours." "Either A, you can choose to explode, or B, you can choose to abort." "Explode or abort." "What does one do?" "!" "I'll have to think about that, doctor." "Ponder not too long because actually you only have about two or three hours until this whole process takes place." "Melvin, where are you!" "?" "_ _ _ I',', I ". ,',', ', ', " , ,'# ,' '. '- ,'_ _' ',',.__ '.-"_ ,_, , , , , _,__,",',",',', ,_':,!" "'.,'. ' ,_',',',._,_ ',_',',','._,_ "' ' ',',',",",_,_'_',':, ' ' "',',' " ,"', , '," "Well, let me check." "Tromaville Abortion Clinic, may I help you?" "I'm sorry but the doctor's still in the topless bar, uh, I mean an appointment." "Would you like his voicemail?" "Choose life or die!" "Choose life or die!" "Choose life or die!" "Choose life or die!" "Choose life or die!" "Woah, it sure is hot out here today." "Hello?" "Excuse me, is this the line for the family planning?" "No?" "Burn in hell, abortion bitch!" "At least this sweet gentle rain will cool things off today." "Oh my goodness!" "Oh my goodness, sweetie, look at you!" "Quick we gotta get you t ASAP. 02=1 6=55=1 5,02=1 6=51=1 O,Careful." "We !" "good care of you." "Well, I'm really only here to weigh my options." "Options?" "Oh we've got lots of options!" "Let's see, first we open up your vagina with this speculum," "and take this instrument, a little sort of like a harpoon, and we can shove on in and" "Why, what's the matter, my dear?" "I think I'm going into labor." "Oh my goodness, we better abort in a hurry, Doctor Cassidy!" "What seems to be the problem, Miss Scraper?" "This young lady needs to be de-foetused, stat!" "Ah, an excellent choice, my dear." "And so much better for the children, I'm sure you'll agree." "Now let's lust take a tiny little listen, ok?" "Whoa, my, my, that one is lively, isn't it." "That fuckin' speculum, I told you to put the mother-fucker away!" ":_, ; _, _, ; __ ,_,.:_,_,_ 1. 1 _ __ , ' : : : : ,:_, ;:" "__ :, '_ _ ,; ' ' _ _ _ ' _ ' ' _ ' ' ' , , ' ' _' , _ _ ' ' ,_ _ , ,'_',;:_ _ ' , , , , ,__ , 'I _ :, _ _ ,', ,._ , _, , , :_,__' _, _ __: ___,_,__ , _, 1 1 _ __ _ _ '____ __,_, _ :_,__' _, _ __: ___,_,__ , _, 1 1 _ __ _ _ '____ __,_, _" "when you're There's a case for the speculum!" "Next." "My anus!" "My fuckin' butthole!" "Call a doctor!" "Tromaville Abortion Clinic, may I help you?" "I'm sorry but the doctor lust died of rectal hemorrhaging." "Would you like his voicemail?" "It's alright, it's ok." "It's ok Toxie." "Look!" "I told you he'd be here!" "Claire says that she knew you'd be here, in this dump!" "It's the only place I know." "We'd like to thank you again, for bringing us back together." "Yes, thank you." "So come on, let's get you out of here." "What's the point?" "I mean I belong here in the dump with the garbage and the rotting food." "You seem to have forgotten something." "I'm a physicist." "When I said I was gonna get you out of here, I meant this dimension!" "Dimension." "Come on." "Come on." "Let's go." "We Go" "A scientific comrade of mine was recently killed in a freak accident, and he bequeathed me his y 02=19=21=10,02=19=30=05,and all of his insanl inter-dimensional travel." "Travel." "I hope you don't mind the mess." "Um, no, I didn't even notice it." "Now let's get you back to Tromaville." "I think I've got it, Toxie." "I've found the key to inter-dimensional travel in this seldom read scientific tome." "Please tell me it doesn't involve exploding a school full of special children." "No, it's much simpler." "You see Toxie, You've had the power to go home this whole time." "These will help you find your way." "Oy gevalt." "Ooooh." "The operating procedures are quite simple." "All you have to do is think of home and click your heels three times." "You may have to try this more than once." "lnter-dimensional travel is not an exact science." "You might find yourself in Heaven." "Or you might find yourself on a 1910's gay porno set." "Ready?" "Upsy daisy." "Come on, Tito." "Come on, Tito, hop up." "I'm not going." "What do you mean you're not going?" "Tito, come on, we've got to go back to" "We don't belong here." "I don't belong anywhere." "But as long as there are people like evil mabuki pagoop" "Kabukiman running around, I must stay and protect the citizens of Amortville." "I have become the Retarded Revenger!" "Don't forget about your sidekick, Pompey, the baddest bodyless mother-fucker in all of Amortville." "I want you to have this, in memory of Lardass." "Actually, Tito, you've already made me proud." "My man I will miss you," "Toxic Avenger." "I'll miss you too, Tito." "Yeah, can I have my blanket?" "Ready?" "There's no place like Tromaville." "There's no place like Tromaville." "There's no place like Tromaville." "Uh Oh What's What the What the" "Owch Ow Ooh!" "I never felt" "Cut!" "Alfred Jones" "Leukemia" "Jeffrey Smith" "Alcoholism" "Bill Gullow" "Polio" "God, I kinda think they invented a cure for that one." "Godammit!" "Well that's alright." "Every time they come up with a cure for one disease, I come up with something even more deadly!" "AIDS." "Now that was a good one!" "AIDS!" "God?" "Yeah, what do you want?" "We lust wanna go home." "You bastard!" "What do you wanna go home for!" "?" "This is Heaven!" "This is the best place around!" "Ok." "God, I think this is the Toxic Avenger, he's from Tromaville." "Alright, you can go back to Tromaville, but you gotta do me two favors!" "Uh-huh." "First you gotta kick the asses of all the murderers and child rapists!" "Yeah." "And, you tell the pope, stop talking about me, he doesn't know me." ":'_,"_, ':_:,: :_, _','I ,: ,':" "I 1I_' __ _I _1_, _ '__ _I :,_ :"I:_,_, ,:':,_:" "I _" "Uh, yes sir Get outta here." "Alright God!" "You're awesome!" "All those other super human heroes would've died anyways." "Now I've got Toxie's shack, we're drinkin' we got some bimbos on the way, it's all good." "There's no place like Tromaville." "There's no place like Tromaville." "Noxie he's gonna kill." "Oh what do I do?" "I lust had the weirdest dream!" "And Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD you were there." "Except you were evil and you kicked my ass." "And you!" "You weren't there." "And you!" "You weren't there either." "Who are you guys?" "What're you doing in my shack?" "Don't hurt me." "Kabuk, where's Sarah?" "What's going on?" "What happened to you?" "Toxie?" "Toxie is that really you?" "Is that the real you?" "Yeah it's me." "Oh thank God," "Hey you've gotta stop yourself, the evil version of you." "You've gone power mad." "The evil version of me?" "Sweetie Honey!" "Then it wasn't a dream!" "Where's Sarah?" "I saw her at the hospital." "She's been kidnapped by the evil Toxic Avenger, the evil you, and" "Wait, you don't wanna go in there." "It's all sealed up tight now and they got a shit load of guards and they all know kung fu and" "Ok, ok." "We've got to get the other heroes of Tromaville and storm the hospital!" "They're all dead." "All of them?" "Yep." "Even Dolphin Man?" "Oh yeah." "Alright, well then it's up to the two of us." "C'mon, let's go." "Ok, I'll catch up with ya." "I'll be right there." "Just gonna" "What's your name?" "Sweetie Honey." "I'm a big girl too." "Oh yes you are, Here would you like a drink?" "Yes, fight my son, Fight!" "How long!" "?" "I'm not sure." "Very well." "If you need me I'll be in the snack bar having nachos." "Kazinsky, we may have a problem." "What is it?" "I'm due for my nose job." "I think Toxie's good again!" "What misfortune." "Toxie, come in!" "Videhauffer says you've turned good again!" "What the hell is that?" "Go check it out." "And make sure whatever he's talking about doesn't make it to this floor!" "I've gotta find Sarah!" "If there only were a giant map like they have at the mall." "Tromaville Hospital!" "Oh hello let's see, I'm in here" "and Noxie is here" "and uh let's see here armed guards that want to kill me are here." "Oh No!" "Now I've got AIDS!" "I've got to get out of here." "I've got to get out of here." "Toxie." "You blew up a school filled with special children." "What's inside your head?" "Let's find out shall we?" "No, Toxie, no!" "Sarah!" "Sarah!" "Yeah, I fucked her." "No." "Not only am I gonna kill you, I'm gonna rape your virgin ass first." "No!" "I don't have to fill my body with plastics and silicone!" "My eye is real!" "Doink!" "My dick is real!" "And my colon is real and my large intestine is real." "And my pancreas is real!" "And my duodenal ulcer is real!" "Most importantly" "so is my heart." "Stewy?" "Bozo?" "Melvin?" "Melvin?" "I'm you." "I'm you." "Gimme a hug!" "Oh Melvin." "Oh you're beautiful." "Sorry sorry sorry sorry." "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." "What is wrong with you?" "that's _vhat's v#rong with me. I'm from the oth" "Don't you know that?" "Gimme some!" "No." "That's it." "I'll be back, mother-fucker!" "If there's a sequel" "I'll be back!" "Sarah, it's ok honey, I'm here." "Oh Melvin, I'm so glad you're back." "Doctors!" "is there a doctor in the house?" "Anyone, someone?" "Oh my God she's hemorrhaging!" "No no, this is lust dick tissue." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Baby?" "Tonight at 1 1 , bad Toxie goes out good Toxie in." "And congratulations Toxie, we heard it's a boy." "Hey, all right." "Also at 1 1 our very own Josh Levinsky will be taking some of our local super heroes shopping for tights." "He's a beautiful, big, bouncing baby boy!" "Sixty pounds and four ounces." "Oh, he is beautiful." "He looks lust like you!" "Toxie." "Oh, hey Ms. Wiener." "I lust really wanted to thank you for saving me and my beautiful baby" "Laqueesha." "She looks lust like her mother." "And I've also brought the special students in to thank you, too." "Come on in kids." "Hey Sweetie." "Toxie we made this award for you cause you're an alumnus of the Tromaville School for the Very Special" "and you're very special." "Wow." "Thanks kids." "And Toxie, I want you to have the blanky for the baby, cause I'm a very big girl now and I don't need it." "Are you sure?" "Just ask Sgt. Kabukiman." "Hey hey hey!" "Hey!" "Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD, my best friend." "How ya feelin'?" "Not too bad." "Doctors say my arm and leg should be healed in a couple of weeks." "I lust can't wait to get the stitches removed from my anus." "Anus anus anus anus anus anus!" "Knock knock." "Pompey, you got a new body, you're just not a head anymore." "_ t _ _ , , ', ' ' I , , _, , -, ' ' , , _ " ',' " _ ' _ ', _ , , "' ' ' ' ,' ',' " _ , , , ,: " ',' ' ' ' ' _ , _ , , , ; ' ^ , ,:___.,___,_,_, _,_,:;__,.__.:__:___,______,___,_:______,: _,:__I___,;, ,:;____ ;____ , __________ ,:___.,___,_,_, _,_,:;__,.__.:__:___,______,___,_:______,: _,:__I___,;, ,:;____ ;____ , __________" "Now we could talk about head and all that stuff later, but are you ready to meet your other new child?" "Wait a minute, another child?" "The evil baby!" "I think a child is as much a product of his environment as anything." "And I think we have enough love to raise any kid as a good kid." "Well, if you think so, Melvin." "Yeah, a real American family for the new millennium." "Awesome!" "Now let's take a peek." "What?" "What?" "Hey, cute kid." "Uh-oh." "Toxie, Toxie, I can explain." "I was drunk, she was tied down." "I forgot to zip up." "Alright, later." "Due to the depletion of the ozone layer and the careless dumping of hazardous nuclear waste" "thousands of people find themselves trapped in an evil parallel universe every year and the numbers are rising." "This film is respectfully dedicated to those who have lost their lives" "facing down their own evil doppelgangers." "So if you find yourself thrust into an alternate reality look to the horizon" "one hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength will be there yes dear reader he'll be there." "He's the Toxic Avenger." "And please don't forget to recycle your bottles and cans." "This lust in Jesus out, Satan in." "And I for one worship the dark lord." "Really?" "Yeah I do," "You guys get together and have worship?" "We do." "Actually this Sunday we're having a calf slaughtering at the ninety second street Y, and our very own Josh Levinsky will be running a cake walk and then we're going to sacrifice him." "Really?" "Yeah." "That's amazing."