"I am gonna love this." " Hey." " Hey, Alex." "So are we all ready to pick names for Secret Santa?" " Yeah." "We're just waiting for Howard." " Okay." "Hey, listen." "Promise if you get Joey's name for Secret Santa, you'll give it to me?" "What?" "You'll get him the perfect gift and he'll realize:" ""Oh, my God, I was supposed to be with Alex all along"?" "There would also be a makeover montage, but that's the basic idea." " Hey." " All right, Howard." "Okay, the names are all ready for the Secret Santa." "And since I did all the preparation, I'll just go first." "Oh, okay." "This looks like somebody it might be fun to get a present for." "Well, what I want more than anything is a white Christmas." "Just a blanket of snow on the ground, you know." "And you can go bobsledding have snowball fights..." " Joey, we're in L.A." "Are we just saying obvious things now?" "It's Wednesday." "No, it's not." "Hey, give me that." "Cheater." "I wonder whose name you put on the red piece of paper?" "Damn it." "It was the perfect crime." "I should have never left you alive." "What?" "I get Joey." "You take mine." "No, not him." "He doesn't deserve a gift." "I hate him." "Jeez." "Did you have Michael or Zach?" "I had Howard." "This is the life, huh?" "When you move next door to me, we can do this every day." "Hang out, smoke cigars, drink beers." "Just be guys, huh?" "Can you open this for me?" "I just moisturized." "Alex, we need another one opened up." "For God's sake." "Jeez." "Thank you." "I hope this isn't too forward, but it just got a lot prettier out here." "I'm not making you any more sandwiches." "We'll see." " Hey, guys." " What are you doing here?" " I thought you were with Abby?" " Yeah, we got into this big talk..." "And now we're taking time off until I can figure out what I want." "We broke up, I guess." "You know what?" "You did the right thing." "What are you gonna do?" "Move in together?" "Get engaged?" "You don't want that." "Oh, really?" "Why?" "Because then he might be in a committed relationship?" "Well, don't say it in that scary voice." "I'm just saying you don't wanna jump into anything you'll regret, okay?" "Abby was, like, your first real girlfriend, ever." "Yeah, but I also hated being single." "I was terrible at it." "Yeah, but you're a changed man now, Michael." "Once one girl gives you the stamp of approval, other girls can sense it." "Women have a part of the brain that we don't." "It's called the fibullon." "That is very not true." "Michael, being single is great, okay?" "You can say:" ""Tonight, I'm gonna pick up and go to Tijuana. " And you just do it." " I never did that when I was single." " That is my fault." "I am your uncle." "It is my job to teach you about life, huh?" "Okay, so tonight, we're gonna go to Tijuana." "Guys' road trip." "The men are going to Mexico." " Alex." " Alex." " Michael, come on, let's go." " This is gonna be awesome." "México, baby." " All right, let's go." " All right, huh?" "Zach knows all the cool hot spots to hit." "We are gonna get so many women." "Alex, you speak Spanish." "How do you say, "How you doing?"" "Yo tengo herpes." "Yo tengo herpes." "Got it." "Hey, guys, listen, I'm sorry." "I forgot I have plans tonight." "But I wanted to drop off this map of Tijuana with some of my favorite entertainment venues." "Like, right here, this is a great family-owned restaurant where they hand-make the most delicious tamales." "It's also a whorehouse." "Have fun." "Michael, I wanna make sure you have money." "You want me to bring back Mexican diet pills." "Yeah, the big yellow ones." "They make me feel crazy." "You know, I'm one of the investors in this new club, Axis." "We're having a party and I thought you'd like to bring that body of yours." "Oh, God." "I'm sorry, but why are you always hitting on me?" "And why do you think I would like that?" "I'm Dean." "I'm awesome." "How old are you?" "I'm 51." "How much do you weigh?" "Hey, you asked me a personal question." "What are you, like a buck-15?" "That is none of your business." "And I will have you know that after a bout with the flu last week I was 108." "Guys like you make me sick." "Oh, really?" "What kind of guy am I?" "You're the kind that thinks that never growing up is cute instead of just pathetic." "You're the kind who thinks every guy around him has to act like a childish jackass so you can make yourself feel better about your own selfish, pointless, ridi..." "Oh, my God." "What are you doing?" "I don't know." "That's the way I usually deal with pretty girls who got the yaps." " Unbelievable." " Wait, wait, look, look." "You're just this beautiful young woman." "You should be out there breaking hearts, acting crazy, having fun." "Instead of being so uptight and attacking me and Joey for living a little." "I have fun." "I power walk." "I'm just saying, you're so sure you're right and we're pathetic." "But maybe, maybe, it's the other way around." "Well, maybe, maybe you're a jerk." "I got a better comeback for..." "Okay, he left." "That's good." "Yeah." "That place was interesting." "That was the first strip club I've been to where you had to pay to get out." "Here's an idea." "Why don't you two just shut up?" "What is wrong with you?" "Oh, when I first start drinking, I get belligerent." "But around my seventh drink, it's all "I love you, man" and bear hugs." "Then I black out, enter what I like to call The Mystery Zone." "The Mystery Zone." "Very dangerous place, Michael, filled with ugly women and delicious hot dogs." "Come on, guys, I need a drink." " Okay." " Must be brave." "Three drinks." "Yeah." "Isn't this great, Michael?" " Look at all these girls, huh?" " Yeah." " I really shouldn't drink because if I..." " In you go." " Okay." " All right." "Hey, hey." "Nice." "There's your first victim." "Go hit on her." "Look, Joe, I'm never gonna pick up a girl at a bar." "You know, I was better off with Abby." "The only reason you're thinking about Abby is because you're afraid." "You know what you should be afraid of?" "Committing to someone too soon." "Next thing you know, you're on a one-way train to Marriageville, huh?" "And the train is dropping off so many miserable husbands and wives before you know it, there's so many people in Marriageville they have to build an airport." "Then no one's taking the train anymore and the train station becomes defunct." "What the hell is in this?" "You know what?" "Okay, I'm gonna try it just once just to shut you guys up, okay?" " Go do it, go guy." "Hi." "Hey, I'm Michael." " Elisa." " Elisa." "You're very pretty." "Yeah, your body looks just like my mom's." "Wait, that's a compliment." "Because my mom has an amazing body." "Looks like he's doing well." "I think he just said something about her body." "This one time I saw her from behind, I didn't know it was her I had some thoughts." "But that's for me and Dr. Porter to work out so:" "What am I talking about?" "Why haven't you stopped me yet?" "You don't speak English?" "She doesn't speak English." "She doesn't speak English." "Michael might actually have a chance." "There'll be no flights into Marriageville this evening due to heavy weather." "Please be patient, you will receive a meal voucher." "I love this stuff." "Hey, you know Joey's neighbor Dean and his whole lame, oversexed Peter Pan act?" "This afternoon, he had the nerve to tell me that I'm the one with the problem." "That I don't know how to have fun." "I mean, that's crazy." "Would someone who doesn't know how to have fun be able to do this?" "Dean may have a point." "Oh, God." "I know." "He's right." "I don't know what happened to me." "I used to be fun in college." "I used to go out every night, partying." "I was in a less-successful precursor to Girls Gone Wild." "What's stopping you now?" "You're a sexy, single gal." "You should be out having fun, meeting guys." "Yeah, I guess it's just because I'm so hung up on Joey." "Oh, enough of that." "Come on." "They get to go off to Tijuana, we are going out tonight." "And I know what we're gonna do." "Have you ever wrestled another woman for prizes?" "Okay, I do want to go out tonight." "And that sounds neat." " But Dean mentioned a party, so..." " Okay, we'll go there then." "And we are going nuts tonight." "It's gonna be better than any Tijuana trip." "Yeah, those guys are probably just sitting around the hotel right now." "Joey, Joey, Joey!" "Joey, Joey, Joey!" "Joey, Joey, Joey!" "Joey!" "Yeah!" " Hey, Alex." " Hey." "I'm really glad you came." "You look amazing." "Drop by my table later." "I think he's into you." "That guy doesn't know how to be into someone." "He's a pig." "All I know is he didn't even look at me." " Nice." " Thank you." "Okay, so should we find a place to sit and people watch?" "What?" "I thought you were gonna cut loose tonight." "Oh, yeah." "What would college Alex do right now?" "Champagne?" "Actually, I think I'll take a beer..." "from your six-pack." "And recycle that." "Now dance for me, you dirty whore." "Yeah." "Was that too far?" " No." " Okay." "Joey, wake up." "Joey, Joey." "Hands off me, I'm an American." "Oh, it's you." "Are we still in Mexico?" "I don't remember a thing." "Well, well, well." "Good morning." "Whoa, hey, what's the matter with you?" "I don't get hangovers." "It's my most irritating quality." "Who's in the mood for scrambled egg and fish?" "No, no, Zach, please." " Did you have a good time?" " Yes." "I don't remember very much but Elisa's in my bed right now." "And you know what?" "In the light of day, she's still cute." "Yeah." "Different." "You know, I don't remember a thing after we left that bar last night." "I know." "What is this?" ""Our... " something." "I don't know." "Why would we have made a videotape?" "Hey, what does that mean?" "Yeah." "I think it means "our wedding. "" "Oh, my God." "You got married?" " How could you let this happen to me?" " Don't blame us." "You did this on your own." "If I had been there, I would never have let..." "Well, whoever that is, he's very handsome." "This is how you show me how great single life can be?" "You get me married?" "Yeah." "Why am I going up to the altar?" "And what is Zach doing?" "This is a weird party." "Wait, he said "Zach. " What does "Zach" mean in Spanish?" "You know, I'm starting to think, I'm not the one who got married." "Alex is a lawyer." "We'll talk to her about how to get out of this." "Until then, no one has to hear about this stupid marriage." "Wait, wait, wait." "Aren't you gonna carry Zach over the threshold?" "Hey, how are you?" "So, Michael, did you enjoy the single life in Mexico?" "Well, Alex, yes, I did." "I did enjoy the single life in Mexico." "Mom, here are your diet pills." "Full of FDA-unapproved goodness." "Alex, we need your help." "You know any lawyers familiar with Mexican law?" "Well, my law firm does a lot of work with Mexico and Latin America." "What did you guys do down there?" " Okay, last night we got drunk." " Really drunk." "Yeah." "And woke up this morning and found out Zach and I got married to each other." "You did what?" "How did you even hear that?" "What do you think Grandma will notice first?" "That he's a dude or he's black?" "You think my family's gonna be happy I married a actor?" "Okay, no one's telling anybody's families." "This is what they gave us." "Can you see if there's a way you can make this go away?" "It's in Spanish." "We couldn't find the chapel in the morning." " Okay, I'll look into it." " Okay, thanks." "Don't..." "Don't." "Hey, look, Joe." "Joe, hey." "I know last night didn't turn out great for you but it was awesome for me." "Yeah?" "Well good." "I'm glad." " Yeah." "When it comes to a big commitment, I'm gonna wait until I have something as special as what you and Zach have." "All right, I'm not taking any crap from a guy who was talking about his mother's body." " He was?" " Okay, you know what?" "No, no, no." "We're not talking about this anymore until Zach and I are no longer married." "Married?" "Joey, you're..." " Well, whatever makes you happy." " No." " Howard..." " No, no." "And you know what?" "If my hero Joey's gay, then so am I." "Look out, boys." "All right!" "Hey." "Hey, what's going on?" "I checked." "Joey's marriage is meaningless." "There is no gay marriage in Mexico." "And besides, Joey signed this document, "Sombrero Pete, Lord of the Bullwhips. "" " Joey's gonna be relieved." " Yeah, but not quite yet." "First, we're gonna have a little fun." " I like the fun Alex." " Yeah, just follow my lead." "Hey." "This wedding ring is the best thing that has ever happened to my sex life." "I don't know who got more girls' phone numbers, me or my wife." "Alex, did you do some research?" "Did you figure a way out of this mess?" "I did make some calls." "I think you guys better sit down." "What?" "What's going on?" "Apparently this document is rock-solid." "You guys are married." " What?" " No." "We have to file a request with the Mexican government." "They require that you videotape the proceedings." "Gina, let's begin." "Commencing video request for dissolution of gay marriage in the country of Mexico." "Let the record show that the petitioners have wished the president a good morning." "They are Joseph and Zach Tribbiani." "Actually, I've chosen to hyphenate my last name." "Did you?" "There you go, belittling me in front of your friends again." "Does it make you feel like a big man?" "Can we talk about this later?" "When?" "After you've had drinks and passed out?" "Maybe I wouldn't drink so much if I didn't have to come home every day to this." "What are we talking about?" "Now under Mexican law, the only grounds for a male-male divorce is irreconcilable sexual differences." " What does that mean?" " It means you would have to describe in detail, the point during lovemaking where your lover became inadequate or disappointing." "What?" "This is crazy." "Well, I'm sorry, but if you wanna get a divorce, you have no choice." "Sometimes when he holds me, it's like he's not really there." "What the hell is wrong with you?" "Joey, now it's your turn." "What is your sexual problem with Zach?" "I don't have one." " Zach satisfies Joey completely." " No." "Don't write that." "Now the next thing we need is el beso final." "The kiss goodbye." " What?" " What?" "No, I can't." "I'm not doing that." "If you guys want to get divorced:" " No, I can't." " Hell, no." "Look, Mr. El Presidente, please, no el beso final, okay?" "Look, you're a worldly man." "You understand what it's like to get fall-down drunk and marry a dude, right?" "What's so funny?" "Why are you guys laughing?" "Oh, my God." "You're messing with us." "Yes, I am." "Not cool, Alex." "Not cool." "Yeah, you tell them, baby." "We're done with that." "Look, I don't mind a harmless prank, but wasting el presidente's time?" "Look, Joey, I went to one of those bars and I tried, I really tried, but I can't gay." " I'm sorry I let you down." " Howard, I was never gay." "I really wish I'd known that six hours ago." " Hey." " Hey." " Are you still mad at me?" " No, no, I'm okay." "Because I'm gonna get you back when you least expect it." "Oh, by the way, I have this peanut brittle." "Would you like some?" "It is delicious." " I think I'll have it later." " Yeah, later." "When you least expect it." "What, you're leaving?" "No beso final?" "I gotta hand it to you." "You really got me before." "That was a good one." "Well, there's more where that came from." "What has gotten into you?" "Well, I decided to make a change." "I think I need to have a little bit more fun." "What brought that on?" "No, no, no." "Come on, tell me, what?" "Well, I've just been kind of hung up on this guy." "Really?" "Who?" "It doesn't matter." "The point is that I'm moving on." " Well, good." "You should." " Yeah, I'm going to." " Forget that guy." " I already have." "Attagirl." "In fact, last night I got numbers from three different guys." "Of course you did." "You're cool, you're smart, you're beautiful." "Girl like you can have any guy you want." " You think so?" " I know so." "And I'll tell you another thing." "Whoever that guy is, he doesn't know what he's missing." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "What are you doing?" "This is how I deal with a guy who's got the yaps." "Just..." "Just a second, I..." "Oh, you know what?" "Let me get a little more comfortable." "Oh, sure, okay." "Oh, where's my bra?" "Well, I took the liberty of removing it on the way upstairs." "That is amazing." "It's part of my sexual sleight of hand." "Oh, I've also switched your underwear to a thong." "Come on, Alex, I'm not that good." "Wait, wait, wait." "Are we sure this is a good idea?" "Oh, yeah." "I'm all about enjoying life." "I told you, it's my new thing." "We're young and single." "We should seize the moment..." " "Oh, yeah" was fine." " Oh, okay." "You know what?" "I just remembered." "I thought of something you really like." " What?" " I got some champagne downstairs." " Oh, you remembered?" " Of course." "I'll also grab some chocolate syrup and whipped cream." "Oh, sexy." "A little Nine 1/2 Weeks?" "Sure, yeah." "If there's enough." "Got a girl upstairs?" "How do you know?" "The only other time you move that fast is when the microwave timer rings." "Well, excuse me for trying to burn off a few calories before enjoying a Croissant Pocket." "Out of the way, Alex is waiting." " Alex?" " Yeah." "Joey, wait." "I'm not so sure you should do this." "Oh, no, don't worry." "We talked, it's totally cool." " She told me all about her thing, so..." " She told you she has feelings for you?" " What?" " What..." "What you said." "That she told you about her thing." "That she has feelings for you." "That was not her thing." "Her thing was being fun." "Feelings is the opposite of fun." "This is bad." "You cannot tell her I told you that she's in love with you." "In love with me?" "You said feelings." " She's been totally obsessed with you..." " Obsessed?" "You said in love." " How long has this been going on?" " Since the first time you slept together." "What?" "All this time?" "Yeah, and it's been really hard on her." "You cannot sleep with her." "Right." "Why?" "She's one of your friends." "It'll screw up everything." "Right." "Crap." "I can do it." "I can do it." "I'll just use some of the excuses women have used on me." "Hey, hey." "Several women have turned me down for sex." "Most on the day Princess Diana died, but..." " Good luck." " Yeah, I'm gonna need it." "I'm irresistible." "All right, you know what?" "I gotta try to find a way to tone down my sexiness." "Michael's rain hat." " You look kind of cute." " Of course I do." "Hey, tiger." "Hey, fella." "Oh, bright lights." "You're not shy, are you?" "Oh, well..." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down there, killer." "Aren't we gonna talk first?" "You wanna talk?" "Yeah." "I'm not a piece of meat, Alex." "I have a mind." "Foreplay starts here." "You wanna talk?" " Okay, how's this?" "Take off your shirt." " No, no, no." "Why not?" "Well, I don't feel like my body is very pretty today." "What?" "And besides, I'm bloated, I haven't shaved my legs and the princess..." "We lost our English rose." "What is going on?" "Can I not mourn the people's princess?" "Okay." "You're being really weird." "Do you not wanna do this?" "Whatever, you know." "What do you wanna do?" "Joey, I'm in your bedroom, my bra is off, I think you know what I wanna do." "The La Brea Tar Pits it is." "I'll be in the car." " Hey." " Hey." " I'll be done in a minute, okay?" " Okay." "So I stopped by Joey's last night and he said you were over." "Everything okay?" "Oh, yeah, things are great." "I was in Joey's bedroom, and I threw myself at him, and he didn't sleep with me." "Never felt so rejected." "Don't say that." "What about when your husband left you?" "You ever wonder why you don't have any other female friends?" "Hey, I have you and Cheryl from the Psychic Friends Network." "Who, by the way, said that you would betray me." "Look, I never expected Joey to jump into a relationship with me." "But if I can't get that guy into bed, there must be nothing there." "Oh, honey, I'm sorry." "It's just been such a waste of time and energy." "I got his name for Secret Santa." "Do you know how much trouble I've gone through to arrange the perfect present?" " What'd you get me?" " Nothing, I didn't pick your name." "That is not the betrayal." "Oh, I just..." "I feel like such a loser." "And I shouldn't have to feel that way." "The other night when you and I went out, guys were throwing themselves at me." "That Dean guy even sent me flowers." "Whoa, he is hot." "And he is much better than Joey." "He is richer, and he is older, which means he'll be dead sooner." "I don't think I'm ready to start seeing other guys." "All I know is I need to stay away from Joey for a while." " What about his Christmas party tonight?" " I can't go to that." " I don't know what I'm gonna do." " Oh, come here." "I've walked into a Lifetime Original Movie." "Will Meredith Baxter-Birney win her fight with bulimia?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I'm in such a good mood." "My new boyfriend, Albert, is picking me up for lunch." "He's the most amazing man I've ever met." "Really?" "What's he like?" "Well, he's strong and virile and he's spent the last two years traveling round the globe hunting big game." "There she is, ripe for the kill." "And me without my sexiest-woman-in-the-world gun." "Come here, Albert, I want you to meet my assistant Gina." "And this is Alex, she's the janitor in the building." "No, I'm not a janitor, I'm a lawyer." "Look, honey, I don't care what you were back in the Ukraine." "Now you're in America, and you're a janitor." " Is that a new outfit?" " Why, yes, it is." "Change it." "You look like a tramp." "I don't want the men around here seeing so much of you." "Okay." "I'll go buy a new outfit right away." "Make sure that it is tight and too long so that you trip." "Now, pull yourself together and meet me downstairs." "Wait." "Will you touch me today?" "You know I don't touch you in public." "Please." "I shall almost touch you." "Oh, Albert." " Hey." " Hey." "Swing and a miss, Michael." "Hey, so Gina told me that Alex is, like, in love with me." "Did you guys know about this?" "We couldn't say." "We were sworn to secrecy." "Well, I can understand that from you." "But you we were fake married in Mexico." "That should mean something." " I'm sorry." "So how'd you find out?" " At the worst possible time." "Right before Alex and I were about to sleep together again." " What?" "You slept with her?" " No, and it wasn't easy." "But you know what?" "I made the right choice." "That could really mess up our friendship." " Yeah, Alex is a nice girl." " She is." "She's cool, and she gets me, and we have fun, you know." " You gonna talk to Alex about this?" " No." "I'm just gonna be normal." "Go back to having fun together, and that's gonna start at my Christmas party tonight." "What?" "You're having a Christmas party here tonight?" "Yeah, you should totally come." "There's gonna be some great women at the party tonight, like her." "Let me see." " How'd you meet her?" " I didn't." "I'm now famous enough where I can pick a model in a magazine tell Bobbie I wanna meet her, then Bobbie calls her and bam, hot-girl takeout." " That is amazing." " Yeah, gotta be careful though." "Last week, I was careless with the page number I told Bobbie." "Ended up on a date with Val Kilmer." "But he did take me to a really nice steak house." " Man, this is gonna be great." " Yeah, it's perfect timing too." "You know, I've been with two women now." "It's time for me to step up to models." "You know what?" "Maybe I better call someone a little more your speed, Michael." "Yeah, where's the "before" picture for that female-baldness ad?" "Alex, it's Joey again." "Where are you?" "The party's started, get over here." "Look, stop it!" "Stop it!" "Anyway, hurry up." "We really miss you over here." "Come on." " Bobbie, hey, you made it." "Merry Christmas." " Oh, Joey." "Hi." "Thank you for having us." "If you touch my girlfriend again I shall put you on a spit and roast you like a Christmas pig." "Sorry, my British is a little shaky, but if you're asking for a cigarette, I don't smoke." " Come on, Joey wasn't hitting on me." " Enough of this." "A warning, stay away from my woman." "I have been trained in the Sumerian death-art of Kalanapahara." " Bobbie, initiate the dance circle." " Yes, everyone, stand up and clap." "He seems like a solid dude." "I don't like the way Bobbie is around him." "She is not herself." "Joey, some of the models are here." "You wanna come and introduce us?" "Yeah, yeah." "I'll be there in a second." "I invited the girls." "I didn't wanna be a wingman for these guys." "When they get around women like this, they have these stupid things they go to." "Zach name-drops the lamest celebrities." "And Michael, now he's scored with a couple of women, has this weird confidence." "I know." "He's been unbuttoning his shirt lately to show off his one chest hair." "It's not good, Joey." "Wow, Joey Tribbiani." "I'm Robin." " And this is my friend Tonya." " Hi, nice to meet you." "Robin, this is my friend Zach." "He's a actor/producer." "Yeah." "And this is my nephew Michael." "He's a grad student at Caltech." "Well, you know, my concentration is Applied Thermodynamics but my passion is passion." "And the chase begins." "Man, is that kid awkward." "It reminds me of something my good friend Marlon Wayans told me about Jackée." "He said that..." "Has any woman ever stuck around to hear the end of that story?" "Judge Judy did." " Hey, Joey." " Hey, Howard." "Hey, I know that Alex had you in the Secret Santa but I wanted to get you a little something anyway." "Walkie-talkies!" "For both of us!" "So we can talk when you move to your new house." "That's great." "Thanks, Howard." "And..." "And..." "And a telescope." "So you can see me." "I'm gonna be standing in this courtyard every day from 5 to 8, waving." "Okay." "I'm gonna go set this up at your house right now." " You don't..." "You don't have a key." " Yes, I do." " Hey, there you are." " Oh, hey, Joey." "I was afraid you were gonna miss it." "We are gonna have the best time tonight." "Oh, no, I'm sorry, actually, I made plans." "What?" "Is that a joke?" "This is my Christmas party." "I mean, holiday party." "Sorry, Machmud, sorry, Ari." " Come on in, it's gonna be great." " No, Joey, I really don't..." " Hey, everybody, Alex is here!" " Hey, Alex!" " See, isn't this great?" " Yes." "Oh, hey there, how you doing?" "Oh, good to see you." "Oh, those look good." "Jingle bells." "Merry Christmas." "See you next year." "Just kidding, whatever." "Whoa, whoa, where you going?" "I told you, I have plans." "Yeah, but I got Drunken Santa from the mall to come." "You love him." " No, you love him." " You get so mad." ""This is an offensive corruption of the holiday spirit. "" "And then your face turns bright red." "It's great." "That man does not deserve to be called Father Christmas!" " See?" "Look how cute you are." " No, no, don't do that to me, okay?" "Don't call me cute." "And don't be charming." "Just let me go home." "Whoa, hold on." " This is about the other night, isn't it?" " Well, yeah." "But nothing happened." "It shouldn't make things weird." "Well, it's weird for me." "I'm sorry, Joey, I just..." "I can't be around you right now." "Why?" "Come on, Alex." "Look, everything shouldn't change between us just because of one night." "It's more than just one night for me, and I think you know that." "Let's just stop playing games, okay?" "I wanted to be more than friends." "But after the other night, it's pretty clear that you don't." " Alex, I just..." "I..." " It's..." "I know." "Joey, I'm at your house." "I can see you." "You look sad." "Over." " I feel terrible." "Alex is so upset." " Of course." "I mean, she's crazy about you, and you just don't feel the same way." "The best thing you can do right now is give her some space." "Yeah, okay." "I have lost visual contact." "What is your twenty?" "If you can hear me, please respond..." "Man, this Christmas party's ruined." "First Alex." "And it looks like it's not gonna snow, and..." "Joey, we are in L.A. It is not gonna snow." "You know who likes snow?" "My good friend Elvira." "Hello, Michael." "I understand that we're both seeing people." " Actually, I just broke up with my girlfriend." " Just when I'm in a relationship." "Is it possible that we are living the greatest love story that ever was?" " Hey, Michael, come on." " Okay." "Would you give us a hand with the girls?" "We're not getting any traction." "I'm not in the mood right now." "We need you." "They won't give us the time of day if you don't introduce us." "It has nothing to do with me introducing you." "You're having problems with these models because you both act ridiculous." "You with the confidence, which is like..." "What?" "And you with the name-dropping, it's..." "I haven't been that insulted since Cedric the Entertain..." "Okay, enough, enough." "Enough." "Look, you need to just relax and talk to these girls like a normal person." "That's easy for you to say." "You have this special way with women." "There is nothing special about me, okay?" "I just act normal around beautiful women." "If I acted like you, I would strike out all the time." "Look, here, watch." "I'll show you, watch." "Hey, hi." "You know, I have a Return of the Jedi bedspread and I've done it with two girls." " I'll be number three." " What...?" "Hold on, hold on, hold on." "Hey." "Wanna hear about the time I went to SeaWorld with Patrick Swayze's brother?" "Girls, Joey's telling an amazing story." "I'm trying to make a point here, ladies!" "Hey, Drunken Santa." "Great." "You made it." " Good to see you, Joey." " Hey." "Hey, man, you're not drunk." "Oh, no." "I quit drinking a few months ago." "Turned my whole life around." "Eating well, working with a trainer." "Never felt better." " I'm paying you 80 bucks." "Get drinking." " Will do." "I'm going over there." "Drunken Santa is getting loaded up." "Alex can't miss this." "No." "Don't be so selfish." "The only reason you should go over there is if you have feelings for her, which you do not." "Who says I don't have feelings for her, huh?" "Do you?" "Well, I care about her." "And I'm definitely attracted to her." "But is that enough to take a leap and risk screwing up our friendship?" "I don't know." "Joey, if you really wanted to be with her, we wouldn't be having this conversation." "You'd be over there right now." "And you know it." "Gina, could you get me a drink?" "I'm not allowed near the bar." "Albert doesn't like the way the bartender looks at me." "What?" "That's crazy." "The guy's like 80 years old." "Yeah, but in all fairness to Albert, I did sleep with him once." "This might not be any of my business, but I don't like the way Albert treats you." "You're such a strong woman." "I hate to see some guy pick apart what makes you so great." "You know, sometimes when you talk, I just hear:" "Bobbie, this party bores me." "Let's away to my Dodge Caravan." "Oh, can't we just hang out for a while?" "I'm having fun." " I said we're leaving now." " Come on, Albert, it's kind of early." "Tell your irritating assistant she's not to speak to me." "Now, you wait just a minute." "I'm the only one that gets to call Gina a miserable old bitch." "He just called me irritating." "Now, look, I wanna stay, and I'm tired of you telling me what to do." "Roberta, we will discuss this in the Caravan." " Oh, yeah?" "Well, maybe we discuss this." " Whoa, just giv..." "That is the single sexiest thing I have ever seen." "You are untamable." " Kiss him again." " No, no..." " Now you kiss him." " Very well." " Yeah." " No, no, no!" " I have a card here for a Joey Tribbiani." " That's me." "Thanks." "Merry Christmas." ""To Joey." "This Christmas, you deserve to have all your wishes come true." "Love always, Alex. "" ""P.S. Look outside. "" "Snow?" "Alex gave me snow." "She arranged this two days ago before all that stuff between you two happened." "I'm going over there." " No, Joey..." " No." "I know what I'm doing."