"(Airplane PassingOverhead)" "Doyou believe that breakfast?" "Premature leftovers." "Another day in the R.O.K." "Nurse, I'm putting myselfin your hands." " That'll be a switch." " Don't get fresh, Doctor." "I can't help it." "I have myself flown in fresh every day." "All right, people, everything shipshape in here?" " Aye, aye, sir." " Except the camp is taking on water." "Can the sarcastication, Captain... and start taking a real interest in our effort." "Areyou serious?" "I just made a big bet on the war." " Yeah?" "Who doyou like?" " I got the United Nations and eight points." "I think that's a pretty good bet if MacArthur's shoulder holds out." "I certainly hope we're not gonna have this kind oftomfoolery..." " during General Kelly's inspection." " Who's General Kelly?" ""Iron Guts" Kelly happens to be... one ofthe greatest fiighting generals in our nation's history." "I think I know him." "Always flights in purple trunks?" "Glassjaw?" " Uh, Rad--Jumpin'" " Sir!" "He's here, sir." " Anyword on Gen" " General Kellyjust pulled in the compound." "Holy moley." "Okay, stash the polish." "I'll put it under " P."" "Camp cleaned up?" "No crap games?" " No one's invited any business girls?" " Yes, sir." "None, sir." " Good, good." "I need a drink." " The smell, sir." "I'll take vodka." "It doesn't have any." "Radar, come here a minute." " What doyou smell?" " Bourbon." "Oh, rats." "I never should have had that before the vodka." " Here, sir." "Have some gum." " Oh, thanks, Radar." "Radar, I can't chew gum in front ofa general." "Ten-hut!" " Colonel Blake." " Uh, sir?" " I'm Colonel Wortman..." " Colonel." "aide to Lieutenant General Kelly." " General." " Colonel." " General." " First-rate." "Uh-huh." "Uh, your treatment ofthe wounded." "The general's impressed with your high record ofachievement... in the mending ofour men." "Thankyou, General." "That's mighty nice." " The men, that's what it's all about." " That's what the general believes." "I believe in their care, theirwelfare." "Nothing's too good for the men." "A general marches on his men." "Yes, sir." "I'm sure, sir." "Is that one salute for the whole war, sonny?" "Hmm?" "Bet he lied about his age to get in." "He won't have to lie about his injuries to get out." "It kills me." "They're such babies." "When I was his age, I couldn't make up my mind whether to become a doctor or a fiireman." "What'd you fiinally decide?" "Well, I'm a doctor, but I have a pole in my offiice." "Give me some suction here, Mr. Kwang." "Psst." "Psst." "He's on his way, over here." " Who's over here on his way?" " General Kelly." "Iron Guts." "Never fails." "The one day I don't go to the beauty parlor." " Shall we get out the good silverware?" " This is the good silverware." "Uh-oh." "It's three stars at 1 2:00." " Try to look busy for the general." " Bleed at attention, please." "Yeah, that's good." "All right, go work on the next one." " Yeah, okay." " Doctors, we have a guest." "That's a relief." "I thought it was a stickup." "I Henry Laughing I" "Uh, Captains Pierce, Mclntyre, this is Lieutenant General Kelly." "Excuse us for not saluting, General." "Our hands are all full of"lcch."" "What seems to be wrong with this soldier?" "Well, he's got a weight problem." "Caught about fiive pounds oflead in his belly." "You boys are certainly doing a fiinejob." " You too, General." " Pierce." "We could never do any ofthis withoutyour help, sir." "Not at all." "I shudder to think what the armywould do withoutyou fline doctors." "Probably bleed all over themselves." "And what medical unit would be complete... without these lovely angels ofmercy?" "Please, general, don't contaminate our nurse." "Ifyou'llstep outside, sir, I'llhaveyousterilized." "They kid because ofthe tension." " Yes, it helps create more." " Uh, right." "Yes." "No." "Uh, Pierce" " Uh, sir, would you like to see X ray?" "Something may develop there." " I Henry Laughs, Stammers I" " Give me another one." "That's all right." "Likewise, I'm sure." "How about a little, uh, splash, General?" " Doyou drink during a war?" " Are we under attack?" "I always feel that way, sir." "Well, I'll have a double rye." " Uh, with soda?" "Water?" " You got something against rye, Colonel?" "Uh, double rye for the general, Mr. Kwok." "Colonel?" "I'll have the same as the general." "The colonel will have what the general is having... and I'll have what the general and colonel are having." " Rye, sir?" " Right." "Only make mine scotch." "Yes, sir." "A little quiet around here for a war." " Well, thankyou, sir." " The general means" "What I mean is, ifl don't hear some good old-fashioned gunfiire every now and again..." "I think I'd go out ofmy mind." "Would you like me to send a few ofmy men out to the rifle range, sir?" "That's whatyou need around here-- some music." " Thankyou." " I Coughing I" "Oh, uh, General Kelly, I'd likeyou to meet ourvery fline head nurse, Major Houlihan... and, uh, Major Burns, one of our best surgeons, a real killer." " Major." " General." " General." " Major." " And the general's aide, Colonel Wortman." " Major." " Colonel." " Colonel." " Major." " Colonel." " General." "Hmm?" "Oh, no." "My colonel, Colonel." "Oh, I'm sorry, General." "I got it all brass-backwards." "Uh, Colonel, maybe the majors will join us in a drink." "Just being in your presence is intoxicating enough, General." "A very kind thing to say." "We're always surprised that she can be kind, sir." "General, I wonder ifl might take a snapshot for my scrapbook." "Sure, ifyou wanna take a chance on breaking your camera." "This all right with you, Major?" " Oh, General, I'd be flattered." " You back far enough, Frank?" "Excuse me." " Oh!" "Your gun is digging into my thigh." " Lucky gun." "Would you take a picture ofme and the general with the major, Colonel?" "Oh, you got it." "Colonel Wortman, why don'tyou go along with Major Burns here... and check out the unit's motor pool setup... and see how closely it conforms to the Pentagon's new Franistan Plan." "Giveitagoodgoing-over." "Takeyour time, a couple ofhoursatleast." " Yes, sir." " Now, General?" "General, what is the Franistan Plan?" "A tremendous army research project... for making crankcase oil edible after 5,000 miles." "Really?" " Major?" " Yes, Colonel." "General." "Oh, sorry." "How about a refiill, General?" "Hmm?" "Oh, oh." "No, thanks, Colonel." "It's" " I Yawns l-- getting to be about that time." "Got to put the little old stars to bed." "Oh, well, then, I'll just showyou the V.I.P. tent, sir." "Oh, that won't be necessary." "Oh, it's-it's no bother." "Wheneveryou're ready, General." "I'll seeyou in the morning, Colonel." "Oh, fline." "Then you probablywon't be seeing any more ofme right now." "I've got dirt to scratch and eggs to lay." "General." "Major." " Pierce, wake up!" "Pierce!" " Huh?" " I've got to seeyou." " Margaret, this is a recurring dream come true." " My tent." " Whateveryou say." "Gee, now I wish I'd shaved last month." " (Clattering)" " What's up?" "I need your help." "I'm in trouble." "Terrible trouble." "And you, a nurse?" "Take two aspirin and give two to the rabbit." " Please!" " Please?" "(Man) Hey, Doc." "Come on over." "We're having a party with some ofthe local lovelies." "No, thanks." "I'm a happily unmarried man." "There's a lot ofbig brass around." "You guys got to keep it down... orwe'll have to pinch your girls." " Devil." " Yes, sir." "Probably a massive M.I." "Ifhis last words were "I shall return," don't wait." "I think his pulse stopped before he did." "This is terrible." "Nothing like this has ever happened to me before." "I'm sure it's a fiirst for him too." " Did you try to resuscitate him?" " How doyou think he died?" "We've got to get him out ofhere." "Well, the only problem is all the walk's gone out ofhis legs." "(Knocking) Psst.!" "Margaret, it'sme." "It's Frank." "What do I do with him?" " Well, this is no time to go into that." " Not in front ofthe general." "Margaret, let me in." "I've got to talk toyou." "I've got a terrible headache." "Well, it's not a "headache" visit." "I just wanna talk." "Justaminute, Frank." "(Clattering)" " What is it, Frank?" " Well, Margaret, l" " What's going on?" " Nothing's going on, Frank." "I just couldn't sleep." " And we couldn't sleep." " So we're all here not sleeping together." " Gin." " Get rid ofthem." " You cheated." " I did not." " Give me 20 minutes." " It's so unlikeyou having them here." "Well, it's all right, Frank." "It's unlike them too, so" "I knowyou cheated 'cause I taughtyou everything you know." " Come again, Frank." " Good night, Frank." "Don'tyou wish." "Just as I suspected-- a closet general." "Step right this way, sir." " Trap." " Check outside." "All clear." "Where areyou taking him?" "To the V.I.P. tent." " Will that be all right?" " He doesn't seem to mind." "Hey, hey, hey." "All we need is for somebody to salute him." "He'd probably return it out ofreflex." "Okay." "Come on." "Hup, two, three, four." "Hup, two, three, four." "Hup, two, three, four." "Hup, two, three, four." "What's wrong?" "ls the general ill?" " He's a little past ill." " What areyou saying?" " He's dead." " Dead?" "What" "He can't be dead." "Look, we both studied "dead." This man's dead." "But he-he-he was fline a little while ago." "What happened?" " Myocardial infarction." " What does that mean?" "It means his pearl-handled guns are up for grabs now." "Well, this is horrible." "How did it happen?" " Um" " We'd rather not say." "Let'sjust say he expired in here." "Hejust V.I.P.'ed away." "No." "He died in action, at the front." "That's what the headlines will read." "Leading his troops against overwhelming odds... with shells bursting all around him... until that one shell with his name on it caught up with him." "That's how General "Iron Guts" Kelly died." "Oh, I see." "Not, uh" "Oh." "I got a pretty good idea ofhow he reallywent... but it's got to appear as though he died more meaningfully." "There is a Zen saying:" ""Just as a clayjarwill sooner or later crumble while being lowered into a well... so all generals must eventually perish in battle."" "All you have to do is sign the death certifiicate." "I'll fiill in the details." "There's another Zen saying:" ""Only doctors with holes in head sign death certifiicates like gift vouchers."" " Count us out." " Then I'll have to orderyou." " That's different." " Then we refuse." "Is the captain aware ofchain ofcommand?" "Is the colonel aware ofthe Hippocratic oath?" "We have sworn never to misrepresent." "Never to use tongue depressors for shoehorns." "Never to have ourselves paged at the front." "And not to open the Acme Death Certifiicate Company." "History demands that the general die a glorious death." "You know where we can hire 500 Indians and a wagon train?" "Ifyou lie about the general dying in battle... it's unfair to the thousands ofguys who really did." "Not at all." "He was willing to die that way, hoping to die that way." "He was a nutcase." "I think dying this way may have saved his life." "Good night, Colonel." "I'll seeyou both at court-martial." "We'll be the ones with our hands on the Bible." "Uh, Captains." "Uh, I appeal toyour... patriotism, your sense offair play." " Make upyour mind." "Just one favor." "He's too heavy for me to lift." "Put the general in an ambulance, and I'll drive him to the front." " That much we can do." " But not a word ofthis to Hippocrates." " You there!" " I Yells I" " Get me the war on the phone." " The war, sir?" "The front, boy." "The front." "That's not a teddy bear?" "Uh, yes, sir." "Regulations against having the real kind." "Let's get on the stick." " Doyou have the number ofthe front, sir?" " No, I don't." "Uh, is it an unlisted battle?" "Just get me an army sector where there's heavy fiighting." "I've got to get there." "Uh, Eighth Army, 73rd Artillery, "G" Sector?" "Uh, Ra-- Hereyou go, sir." "Colonel Wortman here, aide to General Kelly." "What's the picture up there?" "Exchanging any heavy fiire?" "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "I see." "No fiighting, but lots ofdiarrhea." "Whywould you wanna go to the front to see that, sir?" " It's not for me." "It's for the general." " Oh." "Get me, um-- Get me Hill 41 3." "I know we've been trying to take it forweeks." "Hill 41 3." "Uh, yeah, uh, MASH 4077th." "How's it going up there?" "Yeah?" "Uh, oh, right." "Uh, I'm sorry, sir." "We took that hill." " What rotten luck." " Well, you can't lose 'em all." "Don'tyou know where there's some action going on?" "Uh, well, there's always Rosie's place across the road." "Where's the morning paper?" "They've always got a war going." "Oh, we don't get this morning's paper for two weeks, sir." "Well, call around." "This is a war." " Someone must be fiighting it somewhere." " Yes, sir." "The general's heavier than I thought." "About a hundred pounds ofit is ego." " Your end fiirst." " Okay." "This reminds me ofmedical school." " We once took a cadaver to a football game." " You're kidding." "He was a lot more fun than my date." " (Knocking)" " Who is it?" " (Frank)lt'sme." " Me who?" "Me." "Frank." "What is it, Frank?" "What doyou mean, " Me who?" when I say "It's me"?" "How many me's doyou know?" "Frank, you're the only "me" in my life." "Now, please go." " What's the matterwith you, Margaret?" " I have a headache." "A tremendous headache." "It goes all the way down to mywaist." "Get it, Frank?" "One ofthose headaches." "Something is going on around here, Margaret." "Oh, Frank, you're the only thing that's going on around here." " I saw them." " They're not here." " Who's not here?" " They're not, and he's not either." "He who?" "Nobody's here, Frank." "You and I are here." "And you're not even here, offiicially." "Margaret, I saw Pierce and Mclntyre fooling around with a body." "Well, you know what perverts they are." "A dead body." "Now, that's not theirjob." "Now, why are they suddenly acting like undertakers?" "Well, how do I know, Frank?" "Maybe they're moonlighting." "Frank, my headache is killing me." "What's the matter with everyone in this camp?" "The general's aide has me giving him a pillowcase count and a history ofurology." "Pierce and Mclntyre are acting like body snatchers." " And every time I come in here, you" " Ow!" " I Screams I" " Margaret, what is this?" " What is this?" "What this?" "Well, it's a star." "A general's star." "Oh." "Well" "Well, ifit's a general's star, then-- then-then it's a general's star." "Frank, my headache is leaking out ofmy ears." " What's a general star doing in here?" " Well, it's very simple, Frank." "General Kelly's daughter wants to be an army nurse... and he wanted to see what her quarters would look like... so he asked ifhe could come over and look at mine." " Well, did he?" " Did he what?" " Look atyours?" " Get out!" "Takeyour nasty little mind and your skinny little lips and get out, ferret face!" " Oh, great." "Uh, sir, I think I found you a war." " Where?" "You wanna give me your location again, please?" "Three miles northeast oflnchon..." "Iongitude 70, latitude 27." " Are they drawing heavy fiire?" " Sir, the enemy blew up two ofour bridges... but we recaptured the hill and there's heavy casualties on both sides." "Great." "Wonderful." "Well, I guess I'll letyou get back toyour fun." "Come on." "Your limousine is waiting." "I Women Giggling I" "Keep it down, girls." " Hope this is dry enough foryou." " Can't be drier than I am." "Here's to "Iron Guts" Kelly." "He died with his boots on." "And his socks off." " I found a sector that's being bombed." " What a lucky sector." "Where's the ambulance?" "Well, itjust pulled out." "We thoughtyou took it." " I didn't take the ambulance." " Well, I should hope not, Colonel." " It was full offloozies." " Uh-oh." "Just what ambulance are we talking about, Major?" "Well, the one parked in front ofthe V.I.P. tent." " Oh, my" " Theywon't get far, Colonel." "I called the M.P.s. That ambulance is going to be stopped... and everyone inside arrested." "You can't do that." "That's restraint oftrade." "Maajor... ifit's the last thing I do..." "I'll see thatyou hang byyour clusters." "What's the matterwith him?" "Why did hejump on me like that?" "Areyou blind, Frank?" "The man's crazy aboutyou." "Right, Trap?" " What?" " Oh, yeah, Frank." "You're playing it Just right-- hard to get." "You vixen." "What areyou doing there?" "Nothing." "I swear it." "Get me the M.P. checkpoint, on the double." "Yes, sir." "You want me to getyou one under fiire?" "Radar, what in blazes is going on?" "The whole camp isjumping." " Uh, well-- - (Phone Rings)" "MASH 4077th." "Colonel Blake here." "When?" "How?" " Wow." " What is it?" "A Korean national on a bicycle, his family, their furniture and a pig... made a bad turn and sent one of our ambulances over an embankment." "Was anyone hurt?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Well, they pulled six business girls out ofthe ambulance." "They're okay, but the general's dead." "He's been killed." "General who?" " Kelly?" " Wow!" "General-- General Kelly's been killed." "You think the girls would've broken his fall." "Well, I mean, Lord, he wasjust here." "What was he doing in an ambulance?" "I didn't know he was sick." "Colonel Wortman here, General Kelly's aide." "Now, listen carefully." "This is an order." "Take the general's body, put it in ajeep and drive it up to "G" Sector." "Uh, sir, there's no fiighting there,just diarrhea." "I'll provide the fiighting." "Get on with it." "Get me Kimpo Air Base." " Yes, sir." " I want a squadron ofjets." "And get me the navy for some offshore bombardment." "Major General Robert "Iron Guts" Kelly... is gonna perish in a full-scale, blazing, all-out... glorious, star-spangled-banner death." " Hey, guys." " Yes, Henry?" "Is he talking about killing a general who's already dead?" " That's right, Henry." " Well, uh, isn't that sort ofcrazy?" "And rockets." "I want plenty ofrockets." "That's for the red glare." " Here it is, Trap." "Front page." "StarsandStripes." " Lay it on me." ""The Pentagon announced today the death ofone ofthe U.S. Army's most colorful fiigures..." "Lieutenant General Robert "Iron Guts" Kelly, a man who was loved by all."" "Only one time too many." "Seems he died in battle." ""In action to the fiinish, heroic to the end."" "I got a bad taste in my mouth." "I'm gonna go gargle with a martini." "Thereyou go, hiding behind booze again, afraid to face reality." "Reality is up for grabs." "One man's reality is another man's fantasy." "Right." "You take the reality one..." "I'll take the one with the big fantasy."