"Careful, Tucker!" "The floor is hot lava !" "You can't touch the ground or you'll burn up!" "We got to get to Craig's room to get the treasure before we burn up." "What's the treasure?" "Craig just got a Michael Jordan rookie card, and it cost him, like, 100 bucks!" "Did you know that in Michael Jordan's first year with the Bulls," "Michael Jordan had 138 rebounds?" "Yeah." "Do you know who the Bulls rebound leader is, though?" "Yeah, Scottie Pippen." "Yeah." "Where's the card?" "It's in the closet in a shoebox." "He's got the Michael Jordan rookie card and a Hank Aaron card." "It's not in mint condition, but it's a good card." "Oh, my God!" "What?" "Your brother's got a Playboy!" "No, he doesn't!" "What's a Playboy?" "A magazine with naked ladies!" "What?" "He doesn't have that." "Look!" "Dude, I think your brother can go to jail for this." "Shut up!" "Don't open it!" "is that what girls look like?" "They look so weird." "How do they pee?" "It must come out of those." "Gross!" "Oh, my God." "Look at that one." "Tucker, you stepped in hot lava !" "You're on fire!" "Whatever." "Oh, my God!" "Look at the ass on that thing!" "Hello!" "What?" "You could bounce a quarter off that sweet turd-cutter!" "Tucker, stop it!" "That's Eleanore, our friend!" "Her mom's my piano teacher." "Oh, man!" "I want her to French kiss my dick so bad." "Oh, my God!" "Look at this!" "Jenny's tits are the exact same size as Miss November's!" "I don't care." "This means that this is what Jenny looks like naked." "That's amazing." "That is amazing." "Hi, Stacy." "Drop dead." "Hi, Sheila." "Eat me, Tucker." "Set the time and place!" "The two of you can eat shit and die." "Sheila !" "Thank you." "You know she's friends with Cindi." "Now she's gonna tell her." "I'm gonna hear all about this." "Good job." "Relax." "Your girlfriend's gonna know it wasn't you." "She knows your deal." "Hey, Candace, looking good!" "Heard you went on the pill!" "What the fuck did you just say to me?" "Nothing. I didn't say anything." "Candace, sorry I won't go out with you." "I just.. ." "I don't dig handicapped chicks." "I have epilepsy, you limp-dicked shit!" "I'm not handicapped. it's a condition." "Tucker, if you so much as make eye contact with me again, my brother will kill you." "He's a firefighter, and they're crazy!" "Okay, okay!" "Deal." "Deal." "Deal." "Jesus." "What a bitch." "What was that?" "Nothing." "I didn't say anything." "Man, why do you even do these sermons?" "They don't even pay you." "Tucker, I have told you." "They're not sermons." "They're seminars." "And I do them because I believe in them, and I think kids need to hear this message." "I wish my brother had a seminar like this." "And now I'd like to bring up Eugene Bell and Cindi Whitehall, a young couple who will be graduating from our high school this year." "Let's give a nice, warm Jefferson County Middle School welcome to Eugene and Cindi." "Come on." "Hey, gang!" "We're here today to talk to you about one of the most important decisions that you can make." "Now, I know at your age you guys probably think all the older guys and gals are out there having sex." "But Cindi and I have been in a relationship for two and a half years now and we have decided to save ourselves for marriage." "That's right, Eugene." "We have a happy, healthy romance, and we don't need intercourse to prove that." "I'd like to tell you guys a story right now if I can." "This is a true story that happened to my older brother Craig." "Craig was a nice normal kid, just like me or you." "Then, one night, he and his girlfriend of two years decided to go all the way." "It was Craig's first time having sex, and he thought, "Hey, what's the worst thing that could happen?"" "He thought they were sharing something very special, but what she was sharing with him was syphilis!" "He got syphilis." "Then she got pregnant, and because she smoked cigarettes, the baby came out a crackhead." "The once-happy couple soon broke up." "Craig had to drop out of high school and work two jobs, so he could keep up with the child support payments and the medical bills." "But it didn't stop there." "One afternoon, while my mother was babysitting for Craig, the baby set the house on fire." "Because he was a crackhead." "My mother and little nephew died in that blaze." "And the grief from that, along with the advanced stages of syphilis which put an enormous amount of pressure on Craig's frontal lobe, drove him insane." "Today, Eugene's brother sits in a padded cell, doing nothing but eating his own feces and regretting the one time that he had sex." "Here, buddy." "Lights, please." "This is a venereal disease!" "Hey." "Hey. I'm in the tree." "Hey." "Hi." "Are your parents asleep?" "Yeah, they just went to bed." "Hey, so Tucker told me about this awesome party this weekend after the dance." "I think we should totally go." "You want to go to a party with Tucker after prom?" "Yeah. I mean, that's what people do, right?" "Eugene, did you think about what we talked about?" "Yeah, you know, I did think about it, but, like, I think I need a little bit more time just to work everything out in my head." "Like, a month or just a couple of weeks, 'cause there's, like, a lot of factors.. ." "Eugene, I love you." "We've been going out for two and a half years." "I think we're ready." "That's what Chandra said to Craig." "Will you stop talking about your crazy brother?" "That was a fluke." "My younger sister has sex all the time, and neither of her babies are crackheads." "Cindi, I can't believe what I'm hearing right now." "What about the seminar?" "What about everything we said to those kids this afternoon?" "I don't think that 15-year-old kids should be having sex." "You have to wait until you find that special someone." "But, Eugene, you are my special someone." "And if I'm not yours, then I think that we have a whole other set of problems to worry about." "I'm gonna go to bed. I'll call you tomorrow." "Cindi, wait." "I'll have sex with you on prom night." "You promise?" "I promise I'll have sex with you on prom night." "l love you, Eugene." "l love you, Cindi." "Fuck." "Fuck." "Hello?" "Dude!" "Five hours till you're chode deep!" "Yes, I know that." "Thank you." "Are you psyched?" "Are you psyched?" "Yes, I'm very psyched." "Did you shave your cock yet?" "What?" "You gotta shave your cock." "It makes it look bigger." "Really?" "I'm not shaving my cock!" "You have to!" "What, are you just gonna have shaved balls and a hairy cock?" "That's gonna look weird." "l'm not shaving my balls, either." "Oh, my God." "Tucker, I've got this, okay?" "Eugene, no, you don't got this." "Look, man, I've already slept with 12 women." "That's punishable by stoning in some countries." "That's great, Tucker." "That is great." "And I've only been having sex for two years." "That's six women a year!" "Do you know what that means?" "That means in 10 years, I'll have banged, like, 600 chicks!" "Look, did you get the limo?" "I'm supposed to pick Cindi up in half an hour." "Horsedick.MPEG has got it." "He's picking you up." "Who is Horsedick.MPEG?" "Oh, that's Phil, man." "That's his MC name." "Phil's MC name is Horsedick?" ".MPEG." ".MPEG. That is so ridiculous." "Dude, you are so white." "And what's with this attitude?" "This is gonna be the best night of your life!" "Look, I'm not even sure I'm ready to be doing this, okay?" "Do you have any helpful advice?" "Do you have any tips on how I can make this a wonderful, romantic night for Cindi and everything she wants it to be?" "Shave your cock." "Yeah." "Hold on, I think the limo is here." "You gotta be kidding me." "Man, I ain't seen this motherfucker, like, for 1 1 years or some shit!" "Yeah, I didn't know they let people that dropped out of high school go to prom." "You're something!" "You're something!" "No, Crystal's still in high school." "I also didn't know they let freshmen go to prom." "Well, they gonna let us in there when Horsedick.MPEG rolls up!" "I'm about to sign me a record deal!" "Horsedick's got a song on the Internet!" "The Internet." "Wow." "Do you know how many motherfuckers use the Internet?" "I know a lot do." "Half of them !" "I'm talking about thousands and thousands of motherfuckers, man!" "And now my shit is up there!" "We celebrating!" "Hey, Horsedick?" ".MPEG!" ".MPEG, sorry." "Would you mind turning the music down just a little bit?" "'Cause we're almost to my girlfriend's house." "You can't turn Horsedick.MPEG down!" "This is my shit!" "I made this!" "I made this." "I made this shit right here." "This is my shit!" "Hi, Cindi." "Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Whitehall." "Hi." "That's some ride you've got there, Eugene." "Thank you." "So, there won't be any drinking going on tonight, will there?" "Dad." "No, sir!" "Not at all!" "Let me get a picture of the two of you!" "Horsedick, you are nasty!" "Hey, Daddy." "Come on.. ." "I'm sorry." "I'm sure this is not as romantic as you'd probably envisioned the prom." "Hey, everybody!" "Denise is so wasted, she's blowing Brian in the den!" "I'm gonna go get the keys to the master bedroom." "Okay." "Okay!" "Meet me upstairs in five minutes?" "Sure." "Sure." "Dude!" "Where's Cindi?" "Shouldn't you be banging her out by now?" "I'm about to bang her out." "She just went upstairs." "Yet you look like you're going to a funeral." "Tucker, I'm just dealing with this in my own way, all right?" ""Dealing with this"?" "You're not going upstairs to have surgery!" "You're going upstairs to have sex!" "With a girl!" "And, yeah, she may not be the most attractive girl in school, but she's a solid, solid seven!" "What?" "She's a seven?" "Look, you've already decided to do this." "So you can go and trudge through it like it's a chore and end up hurting her feelings, or you can go enjoy yourself and have sex!" "I know. I know." "Look, most guys end up losing their virginity to some sort of stripper or one-night stand." "You're lucky enough to have it be with a girl that you actually love and loves you back!" "You're right." "You're right." "And that means she may let you do anal." "Thank you, Tucker." "That was actually.. ." "That was oddly helpful." "All right. I'm gonna do it." "I'm gonna go up. I'm gonna do it." "Yeah!" "l'm gonna do it now!" "All right!" "l'm gonna have sex!" "Yes, you are!" "Okay." "Oh, my God, I'm nervous." "That, too, I can help you out with." "A little whiskey always calms the nerves." "Cheers!" "You should probably have one more since this is your first time, 'cause you'll explode as soon as you get it in there." "You got to numb the senses." "Really?" "That makes sense." "l am gonna do it!" "Go for it, Eugene!" "But one more for good luck." "Yeah!" "Good luck to me for having sex!" "The next time you see me, I will be a man!" "Go get 'em, Eugene!" "Wait!" "That's not the hallway!" "Eugene!" "Pwned!" "Okay, buddy." "Now, just hold still." "I have an idea." "And wake up!" "l knew it!" "I knew it would work!" "What the fuck is wrong with you, man?" "You're alive!" "What the fuck is going on?" "You probably can't move yet, Eugene." "You have atrophy!" "Why can't I move?" "Why can't I move and hurt you?" "Because you haven't used your body in, like, four years!" "You gotta take it easy!" "Tucker, what's happening?" "Why am I here?" "You fell down the stairs after prom and were in a coma for four years, and then I saved your life, because I'm a genius!" "You!" "I told you, no hit mister with the bat!" "Juanita, I brought him back to life!" "I told you the bat trick would work." "What the fuck is going on?" "Eugene, don't do that!" "You'll over-exert yourself!" "You're pooping." "Your body is in an extreme state of atrophy, but you're in surprisingly good shape for someone who's been in a coma for four years." "You healed from all the damage you received in your initial fall, so all that you'll need to recover from is from the effects of the coma itself." "What about my face?" "Yes, well, your nose was broken by the force of the baseball bat, and the frontal palate of your skull has some pretty bad fractures, but we've set most of that." "You were hit pretty hard, though." "But you'll find over time that your muscle strength will return, as well as bowel control." "Until then, it's best to avoid strenuous situations." "That's why you pooped." "Yeah." "Yeah, you did." "A lot." "Lots of poop." "Like, almost four years worth of poop." "Should call you poopy pants." "Mr. Poopy Pants." "Sorry." "Anyway, I'll let you get some rest." "I'm sure you and your friend have some catching up to do." "And, Tucker?" "Off the record." "Yeah?" "I like your style." "I can't believe I've been here for four years." "Yeah." "You gotta watch where you're walking." "It doesn't feel like four years ago." "I feel like just five seconds ago I was getting wasted with you and going upstairs to have sex." "Wait a minute." "How come just you're here?" "Where's Cindi?" "Where's my dad?" "His job moved him down to Florida." "What?" "He left me in the hospital?" "Well, dude, you were a vegetable." "Besides, he still has an apartment here." "What about Cindi?" "I don't know where she is." "Give me your cell phone." "No, like, I don't know where she is." "She moved after graduation." "She left me, too?" "You were a vegetable." "Then how come you're still here?" "'Cause we're homies, dude." "Lock it up." "I can't believe she would just leave me like that." "Well, she was around for a little while, but then she got into college and it really didn't look like you were gonna wake up." "I mean, it took me four years to figure out the bat trick." "You know, I tried to look her up about a year or so ago, but she dropped out after freshman year, and the trail goes cold." "Tucker, I appreciate you being here." "I really do." "But I think, right now, I just need to be alone for a while." "Okay, man. I'll check on you tomorrow." "Besides, I got a date with the old lady." "Wait." "You have a girlfriend?" "Well, I'm not the kind of guy that gets chained down to one woman, but lately I've been banging Candace." "That crazy handicapped chick?" "Hey!" "Epilepsy, dude. lt's a condition." "Plus, it's kind of hot." "She, like, vibrates." "Nice." "All right." "Okay." "Looking good." "Looking good." "Bobby, do you want to sit up real straight for me, there?" "Sit up straight, sweetie." "All right." "Everybody say, "Fuzzy pickles! "" "Fuzzy pickles!" "Fuzzy pickles!" "That was great." "That was great." "I'm gonna try one more, and let me work with Mommy for a second." "All right, let's see." "Let's brush some of this hair away from Mommy's neck to bring out Mommy's pretty neck." "That's good." "That's good." "Okay." "Let's have a couple wisps hang down here by the nape of the neck." "That's good." "That looks great." "There we go." "And, here, position three-quarters there, like that." "Okay?" "Like that." "That's good." "That's good." "There, like that and.. ." "Okay, okay." "Okay, that's enough play for me, pal." "Get 'em up there. lt's gonna be good." "All right, stay like that!" "It's gonna be good." "Okay, now, everybody say, "Mommy's a vision! "" "Mommy's a vision!" "Do not run away." "Hey, this is big-time stuff!" "Big-time!" "Mr. Biederman is extremely upset!" "He says he brings his family in for a nice innocent photo, and you turn that into soft-core pornography!" "He's crazy. I think he does drugs." "Yeah, well, he said that you unbuttoned his wife's shirt." "He said that you handed her your phone number as she was leaving!" "I mean, what the "H", bro?" "Come on!" "Some mail came for you, Tucker." "Sweet!" "New Playboy!" "How many times have I told you not to have that delivered here?" "About a million?" "Why doesn't anybody listen to me ever?" "Jesus!" "Oh, my God!" "What?" "Pack your bags, Eugene. I found her." "No, no, no!" "You cannot be here!" "l found Cindi." "What?" "Where?" "Right there." "I can't believe Cindi would do this!" "She's changed, man." "She's all growed up." "The girl next door is now one of the Girls Next Door." "Oh, my God!" "It says one of her likes is sex on the beach!" "Well, calm down." "That could just be the drink." "Tucker, do you think that Cindi's still a virgin?" "Let's see." "No, afraid not." "Oh, my God!" "This is perfect." "How is this perfect?" "This Saturday is Playboy's annual anniversary bash!" "So?" "So this Saturday all the Playmates, including Cindi, are gonna be at the Playboy Mansion mingling with guests, sipping slightly alcoholic beverages.. ." "Yeah, but, Tucker.. ." "Dude, this is meant to be!" "What are the odds that this issue would come out right now, as you're getting out of your coma?" "Yeah, I guess." "This is true love speaking, Eugene!" "True love doesn't speak often, but it's speaking to us right now, and it's telling us to go to the Playboy Mansion!" "Yeah, but, Tucker, I can't even walk here, man." "Well, you're getting a little better every day, right?" "Yeah." "All right, so the party is Saturday night." "That means we have to catch a plane Saturday morning." "It's Thursday today, so that gives us three days to get you on your feet." "Think you can do it?" "l can try." "Yes!" "That's the spirit!" "We're going to the Playboy Mansion!" "Yeah!" "Playboy!" "Mister, you have a telephone call from a Mr. Bell." "Dad?" "Eugene?" "Hey, sport!" "Hey, Dad." "I can't tell you how glad I was when they told me you came out of that coma." "That's great!" "That's really great!" "Yeah. lt's been weird here." "This actually works out great 'cause I'm gonna be up there in town in a few weeks on business." "ln a few weeks?" "That's right, buddy." "Wait a minute, I'm getting another call." "You know what?" "It's Japan." "I'm gonna have to take this." "Okay." "Okay, but in a few weeks we'll catch up.. ." "What?" "Oh, shit. ls this still Eugene?" "Hold on." "Wow!" "This is, like, the nicest place you've ever taken me to, Tucker." "Yeah, they don't even have a drive-through." "Sir, may I help you?" "Yeah, we'll take a plate of Tater Tots, and Jager?" "Two Jagers." "Excellent choice, sir." "Candace, want to get your picture taken with the waiter?" "Could I?" "Come on, closer." "And.. ." "Awesome!" "Very good." "So, Tucker, I got you an anniversary present." "I know, I'm sorry." "I know how you feel about that term, but it was 13 months ago tonight that.. ." "That we did each other for the first time." "Yes, that we did each other for the first time." "This is just a little something to say that it's been a great 13 months." "Thank you." "Cool!" "A card!" "is there a check?" "No, there's no check." "It's an anniversary card." "You got me the Black Billiard!" "This is just like the pipe that Hugh Hefner used to smoke." "I know." "Candace, you're, like, so totally the coolest girl in the world." "So, where are we going after this?" "Don't you worry about it, babe." "I got it all planned out." "Tonight is gonna be awesome." "What was that?" "What?" "Who is there?" "What the fuck?" "Tucker?" "We gotta go, man!" "Get your stuff!" "What are you talking about?" "What's going on?" "We gotta go!" "Now!" "Now!" "Now!" "We're not leaving till Saturday!" "Plans change!" "l'm not ready!" "No, no!" "You can't be here!" "He's stealing the mister!" "Tucker, what the fuck is going on?" "We need to get out of town!" "I'll explain in the car." "Get out of town?" "There he is!" "That son of a bitch!" "Detour, Eugene." "Let me at him !" "You're a dead man, Tucker Cleigh!" "A dead man!" "Mister!" "Tucker, what the hell is happening?" "Jesus!" "There's a ramp right there!" "No time for the ramp!" "Hey, hey, take it easy." "Hey!" "Tucker, I can't even walk here!" "If I take a shit in your car, it's gonna be a pretty short trip!" "Stop!" "You can't take the mister!" "He's not ready!" "Bye, Juanita !" "I'll bring him back in one piece!" "Okay, Tucker, what is going on?" "What's wrong with your balls?" "I gotta get rid of this cell phone." "They can track it." "What are you talking about?" "What's going on?" "Slow down and tell me what happened!" "I had a problem with Candace." "Obviously." "What kind of problem?" "Well, it was the 13-month anniversary of when" "Candace and I first started boning." "Okay." "So I wanted to do something really nice and special." "So we got tanked at this really nice restaurant, and then ditched out on the check." "Then we poured some Maker's into a big three-liter of Coke and did a buttload of donuts in the Wendy's parking lot." "It was pretty sweet." "Everything was going great." "Then I went to give her her present." "Come into the living room." "I got you something." "Tucker, that's so sweet." "What is it?" "What is it?" "A pole?" "A stripper pole." "A stripper pole?" "Happy 13 months boning!" "Tucker." "Come on, go do a dance." "Do, like, a sexy strip dance or something." "I don't know." "Miss January of this year said that 90% of the reason that relationships fall apart is because people don't spice up the bedroom." "We're in the living room." "l know." "Come on, give it a spin." "Come on." "Yeah, there you go." "Yeah, go on." "Go on." "So, anyway, then she kind of started to get into it." "You look so awesome right now." "Then she started to, like, really get into it." "Man, it was awesome!" "She was whipping her hair around, sticking her butt up in the air." "Okay." "Then she started to go downtown, if you know what I mean." "Yeah, I know what you mean." "That feels good!" "That's great." "That's awesome." "Man, it was great." "Perfect form." "Lots of tongue." "Hey, check it out!" "Strobe lights!" "You're biting!" "You're biting!" "Candace!" "Candace, you're biting!" "You're biting!" "You're biting!" "Candace, you're biting me!" "Candace!" "I don't know." "Candace must just hate strobe lights." "Tucker, that was probably the epilepsy." "Don't make jokes, man." "I didn't know what to do, so I panicked and I grabbed a fork off the counter and I stabbed her in the face!" "Oh, my God!" "l know!" "I didn't know what to do!" "I panicked!" "So you stabbed her?" "I thought she was gonna bite my dick clear off!" "Oh, my God!" "l know!" "No wonder she looked so pissed off." "Okay, that's terrible, but why do we have to get out of town like this?" "Oh, no!" "Her brother!" "You're gonna die tonight, Tucker Cleigh!" "Her brother's a fireman!" "Have you ever met one of them?" "They're crazy!" "They must have put an APB out on my plates!" "What?" "Roll up your window!" "Roll up your window!" "What's he gonna do now?" "Tucker, do something!" "Stupid firemen." "Can't turn their trucks around." "Oh, my God." "Okay, Tucker, have you put any thought into this at all?" "The Playboy Mansion's on the other side of the country." "That's a long way to drive." "Well, the country is, like, what, 10 states wide?" "And each state is roughly 100 miles across, so that's, like, 1,000 miles." "We're moving at 60 miles an hour." "We should be there in, like, 600 minutes." "Okay." "Well, not one part of that was correct, so let me ask you this." "Have you thought about how we're gonna get into the mansion once we arrive?" "Ima 'love a white girl ima 'love a white girl ima 'love a white girl" "Wait a minute. ls this Horsedick?" ".MPEG." ".MPEG. Did he change his lyrics?" "Yeah, this is the radio-friendly version." "Wait a minute." "Horsedick's on the radio?" "Yeah, man." "He blew up!" "He's, like, the biggest star on the planet." "They even play his song during Monday Night Football." "I'm asleep for four years, my dad moves out of town, my girlfriend's in Playboy, and your stupid friend is famous." "Yep. lt's kind of like when Han got unfrozen in Jedi." "Yeah, it is exactly like when Han got unfrozen in Jedi." "Yo, what's up, what's up, everybody?" "You know who that was!" "Horsedick.MPEG with the track lma' Love a White Girl off his multi-platinum CD Donkey Dong!" "Pick it up if you ain't heard!" "Wait a minute. lf Horsedick's, like, the most famous person in the world, then he could get into the Playboy Mansion, right?" "Oh, yeah." "He could just walk right in." "We should totally get Horsedick.MPEG to get us in." "He lives in Chicago." "He's always trying to get me to come up and visit." "He'd be totally down to fly us out to L.A . and hook us up." "Good idea, Tucker." "Okay." "Well, at least we have a plan now." "Horsedick." "That's our plan." "Horsedick." ".MPEG." ".MPEG." "All points bulletin." "Be on the lookout for a Tucker Cleigh." "White male, 6'5", no visible tattoos." "Last seen April 1 7." "I just can't believe the firemen were that angry." "Dude, firemen breathe noxious fumes all day." "It's their job. lt makes them psycho." "I guess that makes sense." "Trust me, dude." "Firemen are bad news." "Hey, Tucker, I don't really want to go in there dressed like this." "Can you get me, like, a shirt, some pants, and I think a hoodie would be good." "Sure, no sweat." "Just fill her up for me, all right?" "What?" "No." "Tucker." "I have atrophy!" "Ridiculous." "Hugh." "Hey, this is Candace." "I can't come to the phone right now because I'm out hunting down my piece of shit boyfriend!" "Leave a message." "Hi, Candace." "That's a pretty funny message." "Look, I just wanted to call and talk about what you did." "I want you to know that I'm not mad at you, and I realize that you seemed a little" "cross, and I may have overreacted a little bit to you biting me." "But you know how I am." "My brain just shuts down whenever I feel like I'm close to getting some." "Anyway, I just.. ." "I hope this doesn't get in the way of us hooking up and hanging out and stuff, 'cause I really like doing that." "I mean, not like we are exclusive or anything." "By the way, did your answer machine say, "My boyfriend"?" "'Cause, weird." "I mean, we've talked about that." "Anyway, I guess I'm just trying to say I forgive you." "I just hope you're not gonna be a dick about this." "Okay, bye." "Well, I think I patched things up with Candace." "Why is your dress all wet?" "Give me my clothes." "Really?" "That shirt's awesome, man." "I'm getting pretty tired." "Do you want to get a motel or something?" "No, man, I'm wired." "I ate, like, 10 packets of those horny goat weed stamina things at the gas station." "You can get some shut-eye, though." "All right, just wake me if you need me, okay?" "And, Tucker, thank you for everything." "No problem, dude!" "We're homies." "Lock it up." "Hey!" "Asshole!" "Sorry." "Just watch the road, okay?" "Will do." "Good night." "Hey, Eugene!" "Wanna party?" "Cindi!" "I got tired of waiting for you, Eugene." "So I went out and I blew everyone." "No!" "Cindi!" "Why did you have to get drunk, Eugene?" "Why couldn't you just make love to me?" "No!" "I'm sorry!" "You've turned me into a whore, Eugene!" "This is a venereal disease, Eugene!" "And I have thousands of them !" "No!" "I'm just like your brother, Eugene!" "Just like your brother!" "No!" "What state are we in?" "Hey, Tucker!" "What?" "Sorry about that." "I started drinking all this NyQuil 'cause that horny goat weed was giving me the jitters." "By the way, there's clothes in this bag if you want them." "But, honestly, I feel good to go now." "We don't need to stay here." "Tucker, you can't drive all night long without any sleep. lt's not safe." "I got some sleep in the car." "I'm serious." "We could go get our money back from the motel, jump back in the car, be in Chicago in a couple of hours and then, by this time tomorrow, be at the mansion." "Tucker, it's 4:00 in the morning." "The stupid fucking mansion can wait." "The stupid what-ing mansion?" "Oh, God." "That mansion is a historical and cultural landmark where some of the greatest minds have gathered to exchange ideas and.. ." "And watch naked ladies take baths together." "Yes, I know." "Oh, my God!" "You don't know!" "I need to give you a crash course in sophistication and the Playboy way." "You're gonna give me a lesson in sophistication?" "Yeah!" "I've had a subscription to this magazine for, like, 13 years." "God, you're right, Tucker." "Teach me more about etiquette." "Okay." "Here, put this on." "l don't want to." "Put it on." "This is a bathrobe." "We'll probably be issued one of these when we get to the mansion." "It's the Western equivalent of the Greek toga." "There's a stain on mine." "It signifies both power and leisure." "Say that with me." "Power and leisure." "Say it." "Power and leisure." "Power and leisure." "Good." "Now, lesson two." "When you get to the mansion and you see a pretty girl, you can't just walk up to her and ask her to have sex with you." "Okay." "You have to engage her in stimulating conversation first." "Find out who she is." "Ask her questions like, "What is her favorite animal?"" "Or, "What's her most embarrassing moment?"" "This is a pipe." "Smoking a pipe is the equivalent of wearing a fine tuxedo." "Tucker!" "This usually never happens." "Shut up, Tucker." "Dude, here come the firemen." "Dude, here come the firemen." "They know about Candace!" "Come on!" "Get in." "We must be three states away!" "Firemen talk, dude." "You're a dead man, Tucker Cleigh!" "How's that atrophy coming?" "Are you still mad?" "Hey, you wanna get something to eat or anything?" "Well, how much money do we have?" "Because we just spent 75 bucks on a motel room that we got to use for all of five minutes." "Let's see, I've got $7." "Do you have any money?" "No, I don't have any money." "I don't have a bank account." "I've been in a coma since high school." "Okay, seven bucks." "Seven bucks should be enough to feed the both of us." "Are you mad?" "Yes, I'm mad!" "What kind of fucking idiot goes on a cross-country road trip with less than $100?" "Well, to be fair, dude, I had to buy you all those clothes." "And you're the one that wanted to stay at the motel." "You had to buy clothes for me because you kidnapped me." "And I wanted the motel because you almost killed me!" "But then, wait, you burned down the motel and almost killed me yet again." "And then you pissed off firemen and almost got me killed yet another time!" "l think you're overreacting a little bit." "l am not overreacting!" "I am trying to reclaim my life here, Tucker, and you're not taking this seriously!" "This is all some dumb excuse for you to go to the mansion, so you can finally rub up on all those strippers you've been dreaming about your whole life." "Rub up?" "Strippers?" "We talked about this last night, and I will not allow that sort of filth or degrading speech in my car!" "Oh, look!" "Horsedick!" "Speak." "We've just got a visual confirmation." "They've been spotted in Chicago." "You know who it is!" "Suck my dick while I fuck that ass!" "Hey!" "Suck my dick while I fuck that ass!" "Hey!" "Suck my dick while I fuck that ass!" "Hey!" "Suck up on my dick while I fuck that ass!" "Hey!" "Suck my dick while I fuck that ass!" "Hey!" "Suck on my dick while I fuck that ass!" "Hey!" "Suck my dick while I fuck that ass!" "Hey!" "Suck up on my dick while I fuck that ass!" "Hey!" "Suck dick while you fuck my ass now!" "Suck your dick while you fuck my ass now!" "Quit singing and suck my dick!" "Suck dick while you fuck my ass!" "Hey!" "You know, these lyrics don't even make any sense." "What?" "Shut up, Eugene." "This song is awesome!" "I wish Candace were here." "She would love this song!" "Tucker, if Candace were here right now, she would try and kill you." "Oh, yeah, I forgot." "Suck my dick while I fuck that ass!" "Hey!" "Suck my dick while I fuck that ass!" "Hey!" "Suck up on my dick while I fuck that ass!" "Hey!" "Suck dick while you fuck my ass now!" "Suck my dick while I fuck that ass!" "Hey!" "Suck my dick while I fuck that ass!" "Hey!" "Suck on my dick while I fuck that ass!" "Hey!" "Bitch!" "Suck my dick while I fuck that ass!" "Hey!" "Respect!" "Cut!" "That's a wrap!" "Great job, Horsedick.MPEG!" "Hip-hop is back!" "Do you think they're gonna get the message though, man?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Yo, Horsedick." "Yo, yo, yo." "You know these dudes, man?" "Hell, yeah!" "Tucker Cleigh from the down SC!" "What up, brother?" "How you feel, man?" "Great, man." "Thanks for letting us come visit your shoot." "Of course!" "Anytime." "You remember Eugene from prom." "The StairMaster!" "How you doing, man?" "Good." "I heard you was all Regarding Henry and shit." "Yeah, I was in a coma for a while." "That's cool." "But I see you've been doing really well." "Congratulations." "Thanks, bro." "Man, when my last CD dropped, motherfuckers got killed at the Tower Records." "Motherfuckers got killed!" "That's awesome!" "Thank God, you know what I'm saying?" "Now, what brings y'all to Chicago?" "We just came to see you, dawg!" "Okay." "Dude." "And we were wondering if you could get us into the Playboy Mansion." "Most definitely." "Wow, Horsedick, you're very generous with your time and resources." "Anything for my bros, man." "Come on, lock it up." "Come on, lock it up." "See?" "I told you Horsedick would hook us up." "We're gonna have you back in Cindi's arms in no time." "Then you can finally have sex." "Finally have sex?" "You're a virgin?" "Are you telling me you're a.. ." "Turn the music off!" "Do you mean to tell me you've never been with a woman?" "Never?" "No, I was going to in high school, but then I fell down the stairs." "Crystal!" "Janine!" "Get your asses in here and have sex with this man." "Oh, no, Horsedick.. ." ".MPEG!" ".MPEG, yes." "That's not necessary. I'm actually.. ." "I'm saving myself for my girlfriend who's gonna be at the party." "So, thank you, but I'm gonna wait." "l'll have sex with those girls." "Come hook my brother up." "I gotta take a shit." "You okay with just Crystal?" "Yeah, it's cool." "Come on, baby." "You and me are gonna have a long talk." "We gonna smoke this here, and you're gonna tell Uncle Horsedick exactly what the problem is." "Thank you again, Horsedick.MPEG, but I don't smoke." "Look here, man." "This is a party bus, and there's only one rule on a party bus." "You got to party." "So you either go fuck one of them girls, or you smoke this jay." "We out of toilet paper!" "I gotta warn you, I'm a little drunk, so this could take two or three minutes." "I don't understand it. I mean, how much can a person change in four years?" "It's like I knew her." "You know, like I really knew her." "And then you wake up, and she's a completely different person." "This bitch one time tore my heart out for reals, yo." "Oh, Horsedick." ".MPEG." ".MPEG." "You know, I think I'm starting to feel high." "I don't even know where l am." "What was we talking about?" "You like this?" "You want this?" "Yeah, yeah." "Then come and get it." "God damn!" "Hey, Charlie, control this motherfucking bus!" "Crazy-ass bus driver." "She said the most mean, hurtful things to people" "and laughed at me and it was.. ." "So that's why, you know, I'm a dog now." "I cut through bitches like water." "No emotional attachment." "Ain't that right, Tuck?" "What?" "How was it back there, man?" "Good." "Really good." "I gotta go to bed." "He tired!" "That's what I'm talking about!" "When you give something to a bitch, they don't do nothing but take." "That's why you don't give them nothing but the dick." "'Cause they can't take that away." "You'll see, tomorrow at the mansion, I'm running train on, like, seven, eight, nine, eleven of them honeys!" "Ain't a Playmate there I ain't tagged yet." "Wait a minute." "What?" "All of them, dawg." "Okay, Horsedick, you couldn't have "hit" all of them. I mean, that's crazy." "Miss January on my dick!" "Miss February on my dick!" "Miss March?" "On my dick, dawg!" "Cindi Whitehall, have you had sex with her?" "Man, I had that bitch screaming like her house was on fire!" "She was chomping down on my dick like it was a hot-dog eating contest and she was some little Asian dude." "What the fuck?" "Get the fuck back here, you pervert!" "I hope you get VD and your dick falls off!" "Cindi would never sleep with you!" "Oh, fuck." "You all right, man?" "She slept with him !" "She slept with a shallow, ignorant asshole like that!" "How could she do that?" "I don't even know what I'm doing out here, Tucker!" "She's gone!" "She's not gone, man." "She just had sex with a guy." "She's still Cindi." "But we had something special." "You wouldn't understand, Tucker." "Come on, man." "We got a long way to walk." "Man, I wish Candace were here." "Really?" "Again?" "She's trying to kill you." "Yeah, she has a car, though." "We have 12 hours to get across two states." "Hey!" "People are assholes." "Someone will stop." "Don't worry, dude." "Things work out." "No, they don't." "Things do not work out." "I am living proof of that." "Are you boys looking for a ride?" "Here is the deal." "I am Katja." "This is my girlfriend, Vonka." "Your girlfriend?" "Yes." "We are lesbians." "Does that bother you?" "No, no, no." "We're driving to Los Angeles, but we are just so madly in love that we can't keep our hands off each other." "We have to make out and make love all the time." "So we need you boys to drive the car to Los Angeles so we can get crazy in the back seat and make love and suck and fuck each other the whole way." "Can you boys do that?" "Yeah, we can do that." "Katja !" "Right there!" "Katja !" "is there going to be a problem?" "No, no." "You almost made me bite Vonka's labia." "Oh, sweet God." "Oh, God, Katja !" "Right there!" "Right there!" "Thirty miles to Los Angeles!" "We're almost there!" "is this going to happen every five minutes?" "No, no. I got it. I got it." "No." "Ain't seen shit in here." "Speak." "One of our trucks saw them heading into Los Angeles." "Los Angeles." "Of course." "Yeah, but the trail goes cold after that." "No, it doesn't." "You tell your men I know exactly where he's going." "Look, lesbians." "Palm trees!" "You know, lesbians, I didn't want to say anything before, but the car is really starting to smell." "So, we have an hour until this thing starts." "Do you know where the mansion is?" "10228 Charing Cross Road, Los Angeles, California, 90024." "What's up, boys and girls?" "I'm Carrie Keagan." "And we're at Playboy's annual anniversary bash." "I heard Horsedick.MPEG is actually in the mansion right now." "Wow!" "I can't believe we made it." "Oh, my God." "We're 20 minutes late." "They've already started the party." "Look, I think right there is where you sign in." "Oh, no." "You have to be on that list." "Oh, man, we are way out of our league!" "How the hell are we gonna get in here?" "We need some sort of angle." "Oh, yeah, Katja !" "Hey, there, everybody." "We are here to party." "Just here with our dates now." "Yeah." "Not bad, huh?" "Pretty good.. ." "Hey, those are our dates." "Hey, lesbians!" "Those are our dates.. ." "Well, that didn't work." "Now what do we do?" "Oh, my God!" "Firemen!" "It's a trap!" "Wait a minute." "What the hell is going on?" "There is no fire here." "Sure there is." "All right, men, keep your eyes peeled." "He's around here somewhere." "Come on, move, move!" "Eugene, I think I have a plan." "What?" "Follow me." "No, Tucker." "Wait!" "I'm afraid." "Sorry about this, fellas." "We're just dumb firemen trying to do our jobs." "All right, boys, keep your eyes peeled for that son of a bitch Tucker Cleigh!" "We have word he's at this party!" "You gotta go to the back of the line, lady." "You have fun at the party!" "Let her in!" "Let her in!" "Damn." "Bitch is crazy!" "Okay, first things first." "We gotta get rid of these outfits and get poolside." "What?" "Tucker, you can't ditch your outfit." "What if the firemen see you?" "l can't work like this." "Firemen never get laid." "Everyone knows that." "People hate firemen." "Well, what are you gonna do?" "l'm gonna go mingle." "There's three girls for every guy at this party." "Okay, fine." "Just do me a favor and keep your eyes peeled for Cindi, all right?" "Okay." "Good luck." "Hey, ladies. I'm from South Carolina." "Hey, gorgeous." "So, what are your hobbies?" "My hobbies?" "Yeah, you know, what are your turn-ons?" "Shit." "Where's my pepper spray?" "Hey, girl of my dreams." "Hey!" "All right, milf!" "l'm 25!" "Really?" "Fuck off!" "Sara Jean Underwood?" "Playmate of the Year 2007?" "That's me." "Oh, my God!" "It's such an honor to meet you!" "Why, thank you." "I'm Tucker Cleigh." "And who is this little guy?" "This is Puddles, and he's a rescue." "I got him from the pound last week." "Oh, no way!" "I call the pound all the time." "You do?" "Yeah, last week even." "Some loser lost this jerk Labrador or something 'cause I caught him going through my trash looking for food." "And you sent this jerk Labrador to the pound?" "Big time!" "That's horrible." "No, I know. I mean, what?" "Why?" "Because they put dogs to sleep at the pound." "They were gonna put Puddles here down 'cause he was sick, and nobody would adopt him." "So I took him home with me, and I've slowly been nursing him back to health." "That's so weird." "lt is?" "Well, I mean, I just.. ." "I didn't realize that human beings could nurse dogs." "I'm not literally nursing him." "I thought you meant with your.. ." "I'm sorry, I was thinking about your boobs." "I mean, because that sort of stuff does happen nowadays." "Especially with modern times, and I've seen that on the Internet a bunch." "You've seen a lot of that on the Internet, huh?" "Yeah. I mean, some girls will even make love to dogs on the Internet." "Not that that's good at all." "'Cause that's bad." "Unless you do that, and then, whatever, I'm not judging.. ." "I'm sorry, Tucker, who is it that you're here with again?" "Look, I'm sorry." "I have such a problem with rambling, especially when I'm meeting people like you." "Look, I'm always blowing first impressions." "Can we just start over?" "Give me another chance." "Can I get you a drink or anything?" "That's sweet, Tucker, but I actually have to take Puddles out to the lawn." "He has to go to the bathroom pretty badly." "I'll take him to the bathroom." "No, that's really not necessary." "I insist. lt's the least I can do." "Please?" "Okay." "Okay, Tucker, you win." "You won't regret this, Playmate of the Year 2007!" "Bring him right back!" "Oh, my God!" "That is the cutest little dog I have ever seen!" "is it yours?" "What is his name?" "I think it's.. ." "Oh, my God!" "Look at his little feet." "I love men with dogs." "Really?" "Yeah." "My last boyfriend hated dogs." "Such an asshole!" "I mean, what kind of psycho doesn't like dogs?" "And that's just when I knew that he was not for me." "I mean, look at his little paws!" "Yeah, they're pretty small." "l know, right?" "What?" "Nothing." "I just want to talk to you all night." "Can you get me, like, another drink?" "Wow, you're good!" "This tastes like shit!" "I mean, the other one tasted different, you know?" "lt tasted like, I don't know.. ." "Pee?" "No!" "You're funny!" "Okay, here's the plan." "I'm gonna go use the little girls' room." "You're gonna go find me some more of the good stuff, and then we're gonna rendezvous back here in, like, five minutes, okay?" "And make sure you bring him !" "Okay, bye." "And then this little motherfucker hits me and poops all over my bus!" "Man, I hate poop!" "I hope them little shits do make it over here." "I'm gonna kill that little bitch!" "He's gonna suck my dick!" "I'm gonna just hold his little dead head right there." "That's what's up, man." "That's what's up." "Come on, Puddles, come on." "Come on, Puddles, come on." "What's the matter?" "Here we go." "Here we go." "Here we go." "Here we go." "Put it over that, and go!" "Puddles, go to the bathroom !" "What's the matter?" "Maybe you're empty." "No." "Here we go." "A little beer?" "A little beer!" "A little bit of beer!" "A little bit of.. ." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Puddles!" "What the shit?" "Oh, sorry." "Hi, may I help you?" "No, no, thank you." "Actually, yeah." "Have you seen Cindi Whitehall around here?" "Oh, my God." "Are you a stalker?" "We have a 214!" "What?" "No, I'm not a stalker." "Oh, good." "What are you drinking?" "Nothing." "Never mind." "So, we're going at it there in the driveway and she's like, "Oh, my God, this is the best sex I have ever had."" "And I'm, like, "Everyone keeps telling me that."" "Isn't that weird?" "Isn't.. ." "The grotto!" "Excuse me, sir." "I'm looking for Cindi Whitehall." "What you want with Cindi Whitehall?" "Well, I'm her boyfriend." "I was her boyfriend, but then we got separated.. ." "We got a 214!" "No, no, no!" "I'm not a stalker!" "I'm not a stalker!" "I came across the country just to see her!" "Hey!" "Cindi." "Cindi!" "No!" "Cindi!" "I'm her boyfriend from high school!" "Eugene?" "We were sweethearts in high school!" "Cindi!" "Eugene?" "Candace!" "Good to see you. I was worried sick." "How are you?" "Your face looks.. ." "Coming along." "By the way, sorry about that." "Did I ever tell you that?" "'Cause I'm not sure I.. ." "You get back here, Tucker Cleigh!" "There he is!" "Everyone, move!" "Let me go!" "You're gonna sit your ass right here until the police show up!" "I need to talk to Cindi!" "I'm not a stalker!" "I know her!" "Quick, to the second floor!" "Fan out!" "Come on, boys, he went that way!" "Lesbians!" "Help me break this door down!" "Where are the bedrooms?" "Vonka and I thought of a new position, and we need a bed against a wall." "They're through this door!" "There's bedrooms through this door!" "And Jacuzzis, too!" "There are?" "Jacuzzis?" "Yeah, but it's locked!" "You gotta help me!" "Step aside." "All right." "Go, go, go, go!" "There he is!" "Get him !" "Good idea, lesbians!" "Lesbians!" "Lesbians!" "What seems to be the problem, son?" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "I can't look!" "I can't look!" "I can't look!" "I can't look!" "I can't.. ." "I can't.. ." "Oh, my God!" "Relax, son." "What's your name?" "Tucker Cleigh, sir." "And I am your biggest fan." "I try to apply your methods and principles to every aspect of my life." "Oh, yeah?" "How's that working out for you?" "Good." "Great!" "Awesome!" "Well, that's great." "The party's outside." "Have a good time." "Something wrong?" "Well, yeah, actually." "Things haven't been going so great for me lately." "I mean, I'm here at the Playboy Mansion, and I'm still striking out." "I don't get it." "Have a seat, son." "Eugene?" "Cindi." "Oh, my God!" "I can't believe this!" "When did you wake up?" "About three days ago." "How did you find me?" "lt wasn't too hard." "What does that mean?" "Where have you been?" "What?" "Where have you been?" "I've been a couple of places." "I've been working." "Working?" "Working as what?" "A whore?" "Stop that!" "I know him !" "Sorry, miss." "It just really sticks in my craw when people disrespect women." "What?" "Eugene, how could you say something like that?" "You left me!" "Eugene, I.. ." "You left me in a hospital bed when I needed you the most!" "Eugene, you were in a coma for four years." "Yeah!" "I was in a coma !" "And you've been running around doing God knows what!" "What are you talking about?" "You're doing pornography?" "You're posing naked for everyone to see?" "Eugene." "How many guys have you slept with, Cindi?" "100?" "200?" "Just imagine how you would feel, Cindi, if you woke up one morning and everyone that you loved had left you, and your dad had bailed on you, and the one person that you thought would always be there for you" "is out flashing her tits to the world and blowing everyone she meets!" "So, you have a girlfriend?" "Yeah, and she's great." "She's the coolest chick I've ever met." "Most girls want to kill me after two or three nights, and it took her 13 whole months." "Well, then, what's the problem?" "Sounds like you found a great girl." "She is great." "It's just.. ." "I can't get settled down yet." "I have to hit a respectable quota." "Tucker, it's the quality, not the quantity, of the relationships that counts." "But you're dating seven women at once." "Here, look at this." "Oh, gross!" "That's Gertrude von Brauer." "What's wrong with her eye?" "It's dead." "Gertrude was my next-door neighbor." "Our childhood friendship blossomed into a romance by high school." "Hef, no!" "Tucker, yes!" "Gertrude von Brauer was the love of my life." "But she's, like, the worst-looking person I have ever seen." "Give me back that photograph." "Gertrude died when she was 18 years old." "Oh, thank God." "Tucker, the point I'm trying to make is that when you find that special someone in your life, you have to hold onto them." "Now, I've known quite a few women in my life, and I've had a phenomenal sex life." "But I'd trade it all in for just one more afternoon with this young 18-year-old girl from Milford, Kentucky." "Who's busted." "Tucker, there's a bunny deep down inside each and every woman." "They're just not bunnies you'd put in your magazine." "No, they're not." "But if you can see the bunny in those girls, then you're onto something, my friend." "I think I get it." "I was trying to turn my girlfriend into a Playboy bunny, and that's why she had that seizure, and I stabbed her in the face a bunch." "But if I just realized she was a bunny, then none of these firemen would be trying to kill me." "I gotta be honest with you." "I'm gonna call security." "Okay, Mr. Hefner." "Thanks for the talk." "No problem, son." "Look, I've said what I had to say." "There's nothing else to do." "Things will never be the same because I am always gonna think about you with those guys." "I don't even know why I came here." "Closure, I think." "Eugene, everything I've done since you fell down the stairs has been for you." "Oh, yeah, right!" "Well, posing naked in Playboy is really helping me out a lot." "Thanks for that." "Eugene, where do you think the money came from?" "What money?" "The money for your hospital care." "Your dad didn't think that you would ever wake up, and he was gonna have you moved to a class D hospice where they basically just store you until you die." "I sent whatever money I could from part-time waitressing during college, but it never really amounted to much." "Then I started making some real money modeling and I had you moved to a better treatment center." "Tucker never told you any of this?" "No, he never did." "Okay, Hef's orders, all stalkers out of the mansion." "Let me go!" "Eugene!" "Tucker!" "I met Hef!" "He talked to me!" "I think I had a breakthrough!" "How could you, you son of a bitch?" "What are you talking about?" "You fucking brought me all the way out here to your stupid party when you knew Cindi never left me!" "Eugene!" "Wait." "She was at the hospital the whole time?" "Look, don't play dumb with me!" "She was paying for my medical bills!" "How could you not know that?" "The mister's girlfriend not pay all this money for you to use this as a porno room !" "Juanita, I don't speak Spanish!" "The mister's girlfriend is on the phone." "You want to talk to her?" "Go away, Juanita !" "What an angel that young Cindi Whitehall is for paying all of this man's medical bills." "I've never seen more devotion in all my years of medicine!" "Go!" "Juanita, I'm trying to do something." "Do you comprende?" "You let me think that Cindi had abandoned me!" "But wait a minute." "If Cindi was paying your hospital bills this whole time, then she obviously still loves you." "You should be excited." "Tucker Cleigh!" "Candace!" "And Candace's brother, Rick!" "Put him down!" "You are gonna die for what you did to my sister!" "Yeah!" "Make it slow, Rick!" "There goes that sissy-hitting motherfucker!" "Eugene, so we meet again, huh?" "Horsedick!" ".MPEG!" ".MPEG!" ".MPEG." "I was just telling my friends here if I ever saw your pretty little face again, I was gonna rip it off and fuck it." "No." "And I don't lie to my friends." "All right, men, let's do this fireman style!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "I shall now bathe my steel in the blood of the offender." "Wait, wait, wait!" "Before you kill me, let me just say one thing." "Candace, I know you're mad, and you have every right to do whatever you want to me." "But I just wanted to say that I'm sorry." "See, I was just hanging out with Hef, and I realized something." "You're my busted girl from Kentucky." "We both hate the same music and like getting wasted and stuff, and you like me despite all my faults." "So the least I can do is look past yours." "My faults?" "Yeah!" "Candace, your face is a wreck." "You stabbed me!" "That's one of my faults." "And you have this really stupid hatred of strobe lights." "When you have epilepsy, strobe lights trigger seizures!" "See?" "That's stupid." "The point I'm trying to make is that none of that matters." "I like you anyway." "Look, I always hoped when I met someone like you, I'd already have this crazy, impressive sexual history." "But now I realize that none of that's important once you find someone that you truly love." "And when I'm with you, none of the other chicks that I've nailed in the past matter anyway." "Candace, you're the last person that I ever want to bang." "And if your weird brain thing makes you bite my junk while you're blowing me, then so be it." "I'll never stab you again." "I love you, Tucker Cleigh!" "God damn it!" "I need to talk to Cindi." "Well, that was real sweet." "How are you gonna get out of this, Eugene?" "You gonna tell me you love me?" "Horsedick, you gotta let me go." "I need to talk to Cindi." "Why don't you write a message for her on my dick, and I will make sure she gets it." "You know what, Phil?" "That kind of thing would've bothered me before, that you had sex with Cindi, but not now." "Because I had a relationship with her." "And she's not just some trophy." "She's the total package!" "And a guy like you, Horsedick, you wouldn't even know what to do with a girl like that." "I'll say he wouldn't." "Cindi!" "Cindi!" "What's up, baby?" "How you doing?" "Horsedick wouldn't know what to do with a blow-up doll." "What?" "What is she talking about?" "Nothing!" "Hey, let's go back up into the mansion, y'all!" "There is a DJ in there, he's supposed to be cold-blooded!" "Come on!" "Horsedick doesn't have a dick." "Bitch!" "You promised!" "What?" "Horsedick wasn't born with genitalia." "He has to pee through a straw." "This bitch has gone crazy." "Hey, everybody, go to the Horsedick.MPEG party bus!" "Come on, it's a party!" "Wait a minute." "What about all those girls you banged?" "Yeah, dawg, what about all those girls?" "You know what?" "I've never actually seen Horsedick make it with a ho." "Why do you want to see that?" "I never thought I'd say this." "Fuck that!" "Let me see your penis, dawg!" "I'm not showing you shit, man!" "All you motherfuckers.. ." "What are you doing?" "No!" "It ain't my fault!" "My mama was on acne medicine!" "Oh, man!" "Leave me alone!" "Cindi." "Cindi." "Cindi." "Listen, I'm sorry." "And what happened in the past is the past." "And what's important is right now, and I want to.. ." "I want to start over if you'll have me." "I just think that.. ." "Okay." "Okay, I just have a question, though." "Why didn't you call me when I woke up in the hospital?" "I call the hospital every Monday." "When did you wake up?" "On Wednesday." "And you just immediately ran off?" "Yeah, I guess." "Tucker's idea?" "Yeah." "We really gotta get you some new friends." "No, this one's okay." "Let them in." "Let them in, damn it!" "l'll see you later." "Okay." "Bye." "Bye." "Bye." "So, Candace, huh?" "Yeah. lsn't she the best?" "She's something else, all right." "So, you guys are, like.. ." "You're good now?" "Yeah." "Candace thinks that we should try to get pregnant." "You know, really try to work things out." "That's a great idea, Tucker." "That is a great idea." "How are we gonna fight if there's always a baby around?" "And I'm gonna see if Hef can hook me up with an internship at the photo department." "Hey, that's awesome." "Yeah." "So, what about you and Cindi?" "I don't know, but I feel really good about it." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Cool." "Do you want to know something crazy?" "You don't have a dick?" "No." "She's upstairs waiting for me right now." "No!" "Yep." "No!" "Yep!" "Your first time is going to be with a Playboy Playmate at the Playboy Mansion?" "Yes." "How do you feel?" "I feel ready. I feel ready." "Congratulations." "Thank you." "A toast." "To new beginnings." "To new beginnings." "Well put." "You're probably gonna want to have another one, so you'll last longer." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "All right, everybody, I'm going upstairs to have sex with my girlfriend!" "ls it good?" "Okay, Eugene." "Yeah?" "That's good, 'cause I'm trying really hard." "You're doing a really good job, Eugene." "Does it feel good?" "Okay." "Oh, no!" "Eugene!" "Be careful!" "Don't overexert yourself!" "During my time in South Carolina, I discovered a groundbreaking and new experimental way of reinstating consciousness to the comatose." "It has proven itself to be quite effective." "I swear I saw this work once." "You're a dead man, Tucker Cleigh!" "English" " US"