"♪ Thank you for being a friend" "♪ Traveled down the road and back again" "♪ Your heart is true" "♪ You're a pal and a confidante" "♪ And if you threw a party" "♪ Invited everyone you knew" "♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me" "♪ And the card attached would say" "♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪" "Mm, smells good." "Here, Pussycat, taste this." "Ooh!" "Ma... (groans)" ""Bring to a near boil." Perfect." "Ma, I could've burned my lips!" "What are you doing?" "My eyesight is going, so I like a prank I can hear." "Rose Nylund, what is that giant velvet painting of dogs playing poker doing out on my front lawn?" "Intriguing passersby, if I know my art lovers." "And the clothes and the trunk and the boxes?" "You're not havin' a yard sale, are you?" "What's wrong with that?" "Are you kidding?" "I don't want to have to deal with 400 people in Simpsons T-shirts trying to knock 25 cents off your "I lost my ass in Vegas" cup." "Is my cup out there?" "I don't want to sell my cup." "Come on, Blanche, there's nothing wrong with Rose having a yard sale." "Right, Ma?" "Here, Blanche, taste this." "Ma!" "Look, Rose, I just hate the idea of a yard sale, but if you're really trying to get rid of your stuff," "I'll take it off your hands for, say, $50." "OK, but a deal's a deal." "I don't want to hear you say you didn't get your money's worth just because something doesn't fit right or smells bad or makes strangers look at ya and giggle." "Good God, what do you have in those boxes?" "As we say in St. Olaf, "crapola in a box."" "(doorbell rings)" "Excuse me." "I can't stand her when she's feeling her oats." "Rose, you're a pretty sharp deal-maker." "We've all underestimated you." "Now, come over here." "Taste this." "(Rose) Oh!" "Ma, stop that!" "Hi, it's me" " Stan." "Stanley, what do you want?" "Turn on your TV." "It is almost 6:28." "What's happening at 6:28?" "You're gonna find out why Stan Zbornak is now a very rich man." "What is it this time, Stanley?" "Whoopee cushions for the hearing impaired?" "It's not a novelty." "It's a Zbornee." "What's a Zbornee?" "I put up with it for 38 years, Rose." "You don't want to know." "It's not that, Dorothy." "I just used the same name." "So what is it, Stanley?" "I'll show you." "It's time." "Let me turn it up." "(Stan on TV) Hi!" "It's me" " Stan Zbornak, and you may be wondering why I'm dressed like a potato." "That's what's different." "It's because I've invented the Zbornee," "America's first baked-potato opener." "Now you can open potatoes without burning your fingers." "No!" "It can't be done!" "It can be done, and for only 12.95." "Over half a million Zbornees have already been sold." "Call this toll-free number now." "Remember, with the Zbornee," "(mouthing with TV) a day without potatoes is unnecessary." "That's my line." "Hi, I'd like to order the Zbornee." "Rose, will you hang that up?" "Times 500 thous- Stan, you're rich!" "(Blanche) Oh!" "Congratulations." "I know I called you a yutz in the past, but what I didn't tell you is that in Sicilian," ""yutz" means "Apollo."" "Ma, will you stop that?" "It wouldn't hurt you to learn how to kiss up." "Stanley, one question." "If things are going so well, what is it you want?" "Glad you asked, babe." "I need your help." "I want to export the Zbornee to Japan." "Our research shows the Japanese actually hate rice, but what they hate more is burning their fingers on baked potatoes." "Anyway, Dorothy, a major Japanese distributor is arriving next week." "Zbornco is throwing a big reception for him." "I need a date." "I want you to go with me." "I'm sorry, Stan." "There are other vegetables I'd rather go out with." "Dorothy, I need someone who's classy who can handle the rich and powerful." "Someone not too obviously sexy." "Why don't you ask Merv Griffin?" "Dorothy, look." "I called every woman in my Rolodex." "I'm down to the "Z"s." "That means it's either you or my mother." "Frankly Mom chews too loud and still calls 'em "Japs."" "What do you say, babe?" "As they say in Japan, sayonara, Stanley." "That's another reason." "You know the language." "Hi, Blanche." "Rose, you know all that stuff you sold me?" "That St. Olaf memorabilia and the things from your childhood?" "A lifetime of memories." "Yeah, that's it." "Well, I came across these as I was tossing that junk in the dumpster." "That's a St. Olaf war bond." "Charlie bought us those in '42." "I didn't realize I still had those." "Wait a minute." "Are you telling me that St. Olaf printed its own war bonds?" "Yes." "Oh, we were very patriotic." "In late '42, we wanted to fund the development of a top-secret weapon that we were sure would end the war." "Attack cows." "Take me now, Lord." "No one expects trouble from a cow." "The plan was, we would drop these highly trained killer cows behind the enemy lines." "It wasn't till they were airborne that we realized a cow can't pull a rip cord." "Well, the project wasn't a total failure." "If there's one thing the Germans hate, it's a mess." "Just tell me." "Is this damn bond worth anything?" "Well, yes. $1,000 - $1,000?" "Well, hot damn!" "I have 49 more of 'em." "We're rich!" "You're half right." "Blanche, you just paid $50 for those." "You should split 'em." "Split 'em?" "Are you kiddin'?" "Don't be crazy." "I paid for these fair and square." "You said yourself, all deals are final." "Charlie would want me to have them." "George would want me to keep 'em." "Don't try that with me, Rose Nylund." "I'll match you dead husband for dead husband." "You are not going to believe this." "I told Stan I didn't want to go." "He sent me a kimono." "Do you know what I would look like in a kimono?" "(giggling)" "No." "I have no idea." "And listen to this." ""Dear Dorothy, in case you change your mind," ""here are three things to remember at the cocktail party." ""Number one, ask for more potatoes." ""Number two, be appalled that Joe Isuzu wasn't played by an Asian actor." ""And number three, under no circumstances walk on their backs." ""Even if they beg you..." "and they will." ""I hope you'll reconsider." "Have a potato day." "See you later, tater." "Your spuddy, Stan."" "I can't believe it." "(stammers) One beer." "One beer in high school, and my life is ruined." "He's trying to buy my love." "He's trying to buy my kid's love." "If I had a dollar for every time Stan has screwed up our lives..." "Here you go, Pussycat." "Ma, where did you get that money?" "Stan gave it to me." "Ma, he's trying to buy your love." "I'm sellin' it." "We cannot go on living like this with Blanche and Rose not speaking to each other." "So whatever the results of the secret ballot, we go with it." "No more arguments." "Agreed?" "All right." "Yes, yes." "OK, here we go." ""Split the money."" ""Let Blanche keep it."" ""Give it to the old lady." Yes!" ""Split the money."" "Well, Blanche, looks like the splits have it." "Big Daddy was right." "Women should not be allowed to vote." "If it's any consolation, when I wrote down "Give it to the old lady,"" "I did mean you." "(doorbell rings)" "Hi, it's me" " Stan." "Hi, Stan." "Come on in." "Oh, Stanley, how nice of you to stop by." "Bring me anything?" "Of course." "Now, who's my gorgeous gray-haired gal?" "It's me, isn't it, Stan?" "You're right." "Wow, a Game Boy!" "Very nice." "It sure is." "Who's your favorite fella?" "Sophia, who's your favorite" " Sophia." "Yeah, yeah." "Later." "Stanley, I want to talk about these gifts." "No need, babe." "Did you think the old stickman could hit the jackpot and not share with his very best used-to-be?" "Let me show you something." "Come on." "Pour vous, mon ex." "Oh, a new convertible!" "Oh, it's gorgeous." "Stan, I am not driving around with license plates that say "POTHEAD."" "It's an abbreviation." "I didn't have room for the whole "potato head."" "I don't want your car." "I don't want your money." "I don't even want to talk to you, much less go to that ridiculous reception." "So why don't you just take a hint and go away?" "Just a minute, Dorothy." "I am sick and tired of being dumped on by you." "Yes, I screwed up our marriage." "We all know that." "But I wasn't a yutz for all of those years." "There were some good times before things went wrong." "Until I found out about them." "Old news, Dorothy." "This time I came up a winner." "Things have changed." "Hey, Stan, I'm her legal guardian." "We'll take the car." "Stanley, I think you'd better leave." "I thought I could make up for some mistakes, but you won't let me." "You have an image of what a Stan Zbornak is." "No matter how he's changed, you'll never see a new man." "Don't worry." "Won't bother you with any gifts anymore." "In fact, from now on, I won't bother you at all." "Hey, Stan, could I be "POTHEAD"?" "Did you call St. Olaf?" "What do we have to do to cash the bonds?" "I'm not gonna beat around the bush." "I'm gonna tell you straight out." "Once upon a time, there was an ant and a grasshopper..." "Oh, my God." "They're not gonna redeem the bonds." "Oh, they want to, but the city would have to liquidate all its assets." "St. Olaf would be bankrupt." "And this affects me how?" "Don't you understand?" "If we take that money, there won't be any left for the police cars and the fire trucks and the children's Cheese Museum." "You have a museum where children go to look at cheese?" "Hey, it beats learning about it in the streets." "Oh, Sophia, no bingo tonight?" "I'm staying home, trying to recapture my lost youth." "I see you haven't got it." "Today I saw something that shook up everything I ever believed in " "Stan Zbornak with a backbone." "Oh, it really was a surprise." "It's Dorothy who has me worried." "She just looked so confused." "I can't figure out her problem." "I'm having a little trouble with that myself." "Pussycat, what's so terrible about accepting a present from Stan?" "God knows he gave us all plenty of misery." "Maybe he's trying to tell you he's sorry." "I have to admit, Stan was pretty amazing today." "Did you see the way he stood up for himself?" "This is not the same guy who screamed," ""Paint my toenails!" "We've just invaded Korea!"" "It was kind of... attractive." "Oh, but I don't know." "It's so hard to trust him." "I know what it's like to trust somebody who's betrayed you." "You're not gonna believe this, but I have a St. Olaf story about this." "I believe you." "I just hate you." "Well, Gunilla Bjorndunker, St. Olaf's tallest woman..." "Of course, nobody ever made fun of her for that." "Anyway, when Old Space Needle was in high school she drank some cherry herring and made love in the backseat of a Fjord Fjairlane..." "Local car." "Ah." "And she got in trouble, if you know what I mean, Dorothy." "Knukendup und schvingle." "She knows what you mean." "Anyway, her boyfriend, Yutz Hernsberg," "St. Olaf's only bald high school student, had to marry her." "Why would she marry a guy like that?" "Because I was young." "I..." "I'm sorry - I'm sorry, Rose." "This is your story." "Go-Go on." "Go on." "Well, anyway, after 38 years of marriage and a painful divorce, he finally came back, having invented Hernsberg's Press-on Warts." "Who bought those?" "Hags, mostly." "Don't you see?" "He was successful and he wanted Gunilla back." "Well, what happened to her, Rose?" "Skylab fell on her." "What is the point of this story?" "!" "Be thankful for your health." "This whole St. Olaf problem is my fault." "I can't believe I forgot I had those bonds." "How could I be so stupid?" "Maybe it was something you ate." "Like food." "Oh, come on, honey, you're getting worked up over nothing." "I mean, Blanche is petty and selfish, but I don't think she would actually bankrupt a whole town." "God, I look good in diamonds." "Say hello to my four new best friends." "Hello." "They're just on loan from the jeweler until I decide which one I want to keep." "You know, the good thing about me is, although I am petite," "I can carry a large stone." "Blanche, don't you even care about these people at all?" "Of course I do, darling." "But just look at how these catch the light." "Oh, I just wish I knew the right thing to do." "You know, maybe you should sit down and think about the pros and cons." "Whenever I don't know what to do, I make a list." "I think making a pro-and-con list is a wonderful idea." "Here." "It'll help you know the right thing to do." "All right, let's see." "Pro, cashing the bonds." "I get stuff." "Con" " St. Olaf, a small town, faces financial ruin." "Well, that doesn't help clear anything up." "Wait a minute, Blanche." "There's another con." "This is wrong." "Now, come on, we're family." "We always stick together." "We may not always get along, but we've always been there when we've needed each other." "Now, look." "This is important to Rose, and I think we need to stand behind her." "I mean, you're taking away a part of her, her home." "Granted, it's the cradle of idiocy." "I have a frog buried there." "All right, all right." "The bonds are in my safety-deposit box." "I'll give 'em to you this afternoon." "Blanche, thank you." "On behalf of the people of St. Olaf," "I'd like to do a thank-you dance." "I'll need a pot and a sheet, a rubber band and a spoon." "Making a drum?" "I guess you could." "Milk or lemon?" "Scotch." "Forget it, Ma." "What are you saving me for?" "OK, Rose, here they are." "Here are the bonds." "Dorothy, I want to thank you for helping me buy" "$25,000 worth of peace of mind." "Oh, Blanche, thank you." "I just got off the phone with the city fathers of St. Olaf, and it's been unanimously decided - they are going to build a statue to Blanche Devereaux right in the middle of Mrs. Olsen Square." "A statue." "Oh, my." "Is it going to be a big one?" "Hey!" "St. Olaf license plates don't say "Big Statue Country" for nothing." "Ooh!" "Well, all right, that does it." "You're all my witnesses." "Oh, speech!" "Speech!" "Wait, wait." "Wait." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "If St. Olaf is flat broke, how are they going to pay for this statue?" "Every penny comes out of the $500,000 Emergency Statue Fund." "$500,000?" "Oh, but you can't touch that fund unless it's a real statue emergency." "(doorbell rings)" "I'm sorry, Blanche." "I've given you some really bad advice here." "Stanley, if you're here to beg me again to go to that reception, forget it." "Hey, Stanley Zbornak does not beg, OK?" "I'm a man." "I have my self-respect, my dignity." "Then why are you here?" "I need you to tie my tie." "Come on, Stanley." "I don't know how to do it, all right?" "The Japanese are gonna be insulted if they think I already did my Sinatra impression." "Are you gonna help me or not?" "This reminds me of the first time I ever did this." "Night of our senior prom." "Yeah, remember?" "It took so long to get the tie fixed, by the time we got to the drugstore, it was closed." "I remember." "I remember." "(hoarsely) God, Dorothy!" "Remember our wedding day?" "I made you do this even though you thought it'd be bad luck for me to see you before the ceremony." "What a silly superstition." "You know, Dorothy, all those years of marriage, through all the struggles, the one thing I wanted was to be a success." "Suddenly I have all the success I want, and it scares me." "I keep waiting for a knock at the door. "Hi, it's me" " Failure."" "And I'm scared to face it alone." "What I'm trying to say is, I need your help Dorothy, like I did when we were together." "So, what do you think?" "I hate to admit it, but you look good." "Well, wish me luck." "Uh, Stanley, why don't you come back here in about an hour?" "Why?" "It'll take me a while to get ready." "Oh, thank you, Dorothy." "Besides, I'll need someone to fasten my pearls." "Aw, babe." "The ones I gave you?" "No, sweetheart." "The real ones." "Explain it to me again, Blanche." "Rose, look, if there's $500,000 in the statue fund, why can't they just take 50,000 of it to save the town?" "Because that's the statue money." "Well, there won't be anywhere to put the statue if there's no town left." "Wow." "A loophole!" "Oh..." "Hi, it's me - Dorothy and Stan." "Oh, hi." "How'd it go?" "Ah, it was great." "Those Japanese sure know how to have fun." "What was that crazy dance called again?" "They were bowing, Stanley." "Wild." "They were just wild." "They loved you, Dorothy." "No, they loved you, except, of course, for those Hirohito jokes." "Too soon?" "Rose, do you think we can go call St. Olaf now, and you can explain it to them the way I explained it to you?" "Well, we could try." "We might not be able to get a hold of anybody." "It's "Everybody Hide the Corn" day." "It was a perfect reception." "For once, everything was perfect." "It was you, babe." "You charmed them." "You were pretty impressive yourself." "You gave them a respectable soft sell and you made a deal that's gonna profit both sides." "You've come a long way..." "Zbornee." "Thanks, babe." "Well, I..." "I better be going." "It was a good evening." "Zbornak and Zbornak." "What a team." "Maybe we can do it again sometime." "Maybe." "Thanks, babe." "Dorothy." "Dorothy, you're gonna send me to an early grave." "Too late, Ma." "Good night."