"What's on your mind?" "Seriously, talk to me." "Why am I not getting any acting roles?" "I've been thinking about this." "I'm glad you brought it up." "I've got a feeling it could be your shape." "It is a very unusual shape and I'm not sure who would be looking for it." " Could you maybe do a bit more exercise?" " Could you maybe do a bit more work?" " I don't know..." " We can banter all we like but, I mean, if you insist on remaining, you know, a blob, could you maybe at least get a tan?" "They're looking for a fat bloke with a tan, are they?" "What's that for?" "Oliver Stone's story of Buddha?" "Before I get up and walk out of here, possibly forever," " have you got anything for me at all?" " Loads of stuff." "Do you fancy panto in Guildford with Les Dennis?" "No." " What, that's it?" " Yeah." " You said there was loads of stuff." " I thought you'd go with that one." "What's the role?" "It is the part of the Genie in Aladdin." "They're happy with a fat bloke for that, are they?" "With a tan ideally." "I promise you, listen, I've done a panto before." " Ah!" "Andy Millman, this is Les Dennis." " Hi." "I know who you are." " Good to meet you." " Nice to meet you." " Andy is playing our Genie." " Oh, no, really?" "Yeah." " Could Chris Biggins not do it?" " He was busy." " Biggins was busy?" " Yeah." "That's a nightmare." "What about John Thomson off Cold Feet?" "Well, he was available but he screwed up the audition." "He was very nervous." "Yeah, he can get nervous." "That's a shame." "Sorry, can I just say, if you're interested in a famous face," "I represent Barry from EastEnders." "Not for this part though, no." "It's too late, isn't it?" "This part's taken, innit?" "What about Jono Coleman?" "I thought he was up for it." "Yes, but since he did Celebrity Fit Club he's..." "Well, he's just not fat enough." "I've got Barry on the phone now, if you're interested..." "No point, is there?" "No, the vacancy's filled." "Remember you took 12 and a half percent, ring any bells?" "Sorry, Barry." "No one on the list was available, then?" "No, and in the end we were running out of time and we just got desperate so..." "Fantastic!" " Andy." " Hi." " Can I introduce this gorgeous creature?" " Hello." " This is Simone." " Hi." "Show him your ring." "Engagement ring." "Cost an arm and a leg." "Didn't want you seeing her and thinking, "Who's that stunner?" "I'll make her mine."" " Hands off, she's taken." " Silly." "I'm going to have to get going, sweetheart." "See you later." " Nice to meet you." " See you later." "Bye." "Bye, darling." "Save it for later." "Eh?" "We asked 100 people, "Which comedian is going to land on his feet" ""and get his end away with an absolute cracker?"" "You said, "Les Dennis," our survey said, "Ding, top answer!" Jammy bastard." "Yeah, well done." "Still, it's about time I had a bit of good luck, isn't it?" "The stuff that's happened to me, been in the papers." " I don't know." " You do." " Did you watch me on Celebrity Big Brother?" " It was good." "Might have been entertaining for you, but I was at my lowest ebb." "The shit that was flying around before I went in." "I remember I was sitting there one day thinking, "What's the point, eh?" ""What is the point?"" "And..." "I've never really told anybody this before." "Okay." " I even considered suicide." " Oh!" "Yeah, actually thinking I'm going to end it all." "I'm thinking, "I'll do it here, live on telly." "That will show them."" "And as I was thinking about it, Melinda Messenger came in, lovely girl." " She was chatting away." " Took your mind off it?" "Yeah, I was looking at her tits." "Lovely." "And I was thinking, "Come on, Les, look at them." "Life is worth living after all."" "I mean, I'd seen them loads of times in the papers and on the telly, but when you're face to face with them..." " Live." "...you go, "Yeah, well done."" "Yeah, that's a lovely story." "Hello, Heat Magazine." "Yeah, hi." "Do you deal with the Celebrity Spotted section?" " Can do, yeah." "Why, who have you seen?" " Well, I just spotted Les Dennis, the comedian and impressionist and actor Les Dennis." "I just spotted him shopping in New Bond Street." "Doubt he can afford much around there, can he?" "Well he can because I just saw him and he was spending a fucking shit load of cash, all right?" "So put that in." "Make sure you put that in." " Hello." " Hiya." "I just wanted to introduce you to my friend Maggie." " Hello, Maggie." " Hello, pleased to meet you." "Nice to meet you, too." "What are you doing with this reprobate?" "You two an item?" " Oh, Christ, no." " All right." "No, I'm just here visiting him." "It's the first time he's treaded the boards." "Oh, well, theatre." "The stories I could tell you." "It's where it all started for me, up and down the country." "Great to be back." "Things have changed a bit, mind." "There was a time when I wouldn't have had to share a dressing room." "Back in the day I'd have had two dressing rooms if I'd wanted." "One for me, one for all the cards and flowers from all the well-wishers." "Little presents and things they sent me." "Don't need a whole dressing room for those three, do you?" "No." "What were you doing?" "You said you had to..." " What?" " You were about to do something." "Yeah, I've got to go to the post office." " See you later." " Yeah, it was really nice to meet you, bye." " Yeah, nice to see you, bye." " Bye." "One and two, three and four, five, six, seven, eight." "One and two, three and four, five, six, seven, eight." "All right, stop, stop, stop." "You're missing something." "I'm not getting something." "What is it?" "What am I not getting?" " What am I looking for?" " I know." "Somebody else." " Yes?" " 110%% ." "You should be giving me a 110%% all of the time, but that is not what I was thinking of." "What am I looking for?" " Okay." " T and T." "Correct." "T and T. And what is T and T?" "Come up here and show them." "T and T. Tits and teeth, yes." "Tits and teeth." "And before any of you have me up on sexism charges, do not forget this is my daughter." "That is all right." "One more time..." " I know that girl." " Five, six, seven, eight." "Hold on, his daughter?" "But he's definitely gay." "He can't be gay if he's got a daughter." " Oscar Wilde was married with two kids." " Well, he couldn't have been gay." " What, Oscar Wilde?" " Yeah." " I've got to stop hanging around with you." " That's lunch, back at 2:00." "I do know her." " Oh, hi." " Hiya." "Maggie!" "Do you remember me?" "Lizzie Bunton?" "Daddy?" "We worked on that BBC kids' show together," " The Orphans of Penny Farthing Lane." " Penny Farthing Lane." "Brilliant that." "Daddy, this is my friend Maggie." "We worked on Orphans together." "Hello, nice to meet you." "Lan Bunton, everyone calls me Bunny." " Oh, already started your lunch I notice." " It's a banana." "# Food glorious food" "# Hot sausage and mustard" "# While we're in the mood" "# Cold jelly and custard #" " No, no, no, no." "Cust-terd." " # Custard #" " No, come on, cust-terd." " # Custard #" "# Cust-terd # # Custard #" " Don't worry about it." " No, come on." "# Custard # # Cust-terd #" "# Custard #" "There." "See, if something's worth doing, it's worth doing correctly." "Must dash." "I'll catch up with you later, then." " Yes." " Definitely." "Bye-bye." " Bye-bye." " Bye." "Give her a kiss." " Don't." " Oh, where have you been hiding her?" "Oh, she's really lovely but she's a wee bit mental." " Of course she's mental." "Her dad's a gay." " He can't be gay." "Ho, ho, ho!" "Smarties." "Yum, yum, yum." " Les, you all right, mate?" " Hiya." " You all right?" " Yeah." " What have you got in your little bag?" " It's the local paper." "Don't want to blow my own, not with my back, but there's a little article in here." "Hi, darling." "Listen to this." ""Family Fortunes loser Les Dennis" ""is on the comeback trail thanks to a starring role in Aladdin." ""Things are looking up for Les, 50," ""who recently announced his engagement to beautiful fiancée Simone Lewis, 26." ""With an age gap of a quarter of a century," ""Dennis is clearly punching above his weight again" ""but insists they are very much in love."" " Marriage, faithfulness." " Do you want to get some lunch, darling?" " I can't, I promised I'd meet a friend." " A friend." " Do you want some money?" " Yes, please." " Fifty okay?" " Yeah." "Bit much for lunch, innit?" " Bye." " Bye." " Alone again." " Yeah." " Do you want to get some lunch?" " I can't." "I've already eaten." "Yeah?" " But I'll come for a coffee with you." " Yeah." "Yeah, course I will, course I will." "If that's what you want." "Yeah." "Thanks." "Come on, then, what shall we have?" "Maggie." " Oh, it's you." " Hello." "I'm trying to find my way out of here." "It's like a blooming maze." " Come in." "This is my dressing room." " Oh, look at it." "I share this with the other girls in the chorus." "Yeah?" "Where are they?" "I think they've all gone to lunch." "Sometimes they forget to invite me." "Right." " What are you doing on Sunday?" " What, this Sunday?" "I'll tell you what you're doing." " You're coming to my party." " My sister might be..." "It's going to be my birthday on Sunday and I'm having a party." "I'm going to be 29." "It's very important and I'm just inviting my very best friends like you." "Yeah." "It's going to be brilliant." "Oh, my parties are always great." " Yeah?" " Please come." "There will be entertainment there and everything." " Oh, well." " Please, please." " Oh, I'm just thinking..." " You must!" "You must!" " Okay, then." " Brilliant." "Let me just check with Daddy that that's okay." "Yeah, you'd better check with him first." " Do not come in!" " Daddy, it's Lizzie." "I won't be a minute." "Do not come in!" "I'm just finishing up a meeting." "Okay, we've finished." "This is an old friend." "Bye, Paul." "And old friend." " Daddy." " Yes?" " Can Maggie come to my party, please?" " Of course, dear." "The little bastard's pinched my watch." " He nicked your watch?" " It's fine..." " Call the police." " Do not call the police!" "And don't tell your mother, she'll only worry." "That happened before, didn't it?" "With your mobile phone?" " The crime rate's through the roof." " Yeah." " You all right?" " Yeah." "Cheer up." "Turn that frown upside down." " What's the matter with you?" " Nothing." " Is everything okay?" "You look a bit down." " No, I'm fine." "If you're worried about the audiences, don't be." "They're always a bit thin early on but they'll pick up as we get towards Christmas." "We've got the press in tonight, they'll rave about it." "It's a good show." "Oh, it is, yeah." " Can I ask your opinion about something?" " Yeah." " What do you make of Simone?" " She's fine." " Beautiful girl." " Yeah." " Lovely girl, I'm very lucky." " You are, yeah." " When is the wedding?" " We're thinking June, July." "Summer wedding." "That'll be good if, when..." "Well, it will happen, I suppose." " Congratulations again." " Oh, cheers, mate, cheers." " I can't marry her." " Why?" "What have you heard?" " Nothing." "What do you mean?" " No, what did you say?" "It's just that I've been doing a bit of thinking and I just don't think I can marry her." "It's not fair." "I mean, don't get me wrong." " Funny little switch." " Nothing wrong physically." "I'm sure." "The sex is extraordinary." "Some of the stuff she dreams up." "What is that for?" "She likes to video us and we watch it back together." "And sometimes I can't believe it's my arse going up and down." " I'm getting excited just thinking about it." " Well, think about something else, then." "It will break her heart but now I'm back on the up and up." "The papers is just the beginning." "I'll be in the full glare of the media spotlight again." " I can't put her through that." " No." " She's young." " Yeah." " She can't take that pressure." " Probably not." "Who knows what this will lead to?" "More TV, maybe even Hollywood." "I just think I'm better off letting her go now before she falls in love with me any deeper." "I think you're making the right decision and I'm so glad you said this because it's a weight off my mind." "I saw her getting off with the stagehand and that's who she's with now." "Well, I wasn't going to say anything but you..." "Oh, I wish I hadn't, but you were going to finish it anyway and I..." "You're not upset, are you?" "The house is open, gentlemen..." "Sorry." " Les, cover it up, mate." " Yeah." "I'll shut the door." "Look, Wishy, what's this?" "It looks like the magic lamp." " What do you think I should do?" " Just leave it here." "What do you think, gang?" "Should I just leave it here or should I give it a rub?" "Give it a rub." " What?" "Can't hear you?" " Rub it." " Rub it?" " Yes." "Okay." "If you say so, I'll rub it." "Here goes." " Blimey, what a big puff." " Cheeky." "Hmm." " Who are you?" " Well, I'll be anyone you want me to be, but you can call me Genie." "How does somebody as big as you fit into this tiny lamp?" "Don't worry about it, I'm used to squeezing myself into tight holes." "Oh!" "No pain, no gain." "Can you help us?" "We're in danger, the evil Abanazar is after us." " What makes you think that?" " We heard him say he wants to get Aladdin." "Don't we all?" "Abanazar has a glorious ring." "I know the line." "What's the point though, eh?" "They don't care." "Look at them." " You lot enjoying yourselves?" " Yeah." "Yeah, well tell your faces." "And maybe some of your friends as well, get them along." "The empty seats aren't laughing much, are they?" " Get on with it." " You bloody get on with it." "Ignorant." "How many of you are thinking of leaving at half-time?" "Even less people here then, won't it?" "Even more embarrassing for those that have stayed." " Where do you want to go from?" " How about 1992?" "No, where do you want to go from in the script?" "I don't know." "Just do some more of the queer shit." "Let's just get through it, shall we?" "Oh, I've been in that lamp so long I'm bent out of all recognition." " Hello!" " Hi." " Come in." "Look at you." " Thank you." "Everyone, this is Maggie." "Hello, Maggie." "You know Dad." "That's Maureen and John and Barbara and Len and that's Nana." "We're just waiting for Frank and Jean." "They said they'd be here by 8:00." " What time is it dear?" " About 8:00." "Irene, fetch the Glade." "Nana's let off again." "Why don't you sit next to Nana?" " Hello, dear." " Hi." " There you go." " Thanks." "Thanks for doing this tonight on your only night off." " It's not a chore." " I was scared to be alone tonight." "Bit worried about what I might do on my own." " Well, you're not alone." " No." "We asked 100 people, "Will Les Dennis ever hang on to a bird?"" "Our survey said..." "We asked 100 people," ""Do you want to go out tonight and watch Les Dennis in panto?"" "Our survey said..." "Why don't people want to come out and see Les Dennis?" " They do." " Why don't twice as many?" "Well, because you're competing with a lot these days, aren't you?" " Internet, DVDs." " Where did it all go wrong, eh?" " Can I ask you something?" " Yeah." " You're a comedian, right?" " Yeah." " I haven't seen you make a joke in five years." " What do you mean?" "When you're on telly and stuff, when you're on chat shows or in Big Brother." "You're talking to the chickens but you're moaning about stuff." "That's the way they cut it." "There you go, moaning about stuff." "Make a joke about it." "Make a joke." "What was that impression you used to do?" "Lmpressions." "I did loads." " What was it?" " Mavis Riley, Coronation Street." " Do that." " No, I'm not doing that." " Do it." " No!" " Go on." " "I don't really know."" " That's great." " Yeah, I know." "It is good, yeah." "You need another one, she hasn't really been on telly for 15 years, but..." " Yeah." " Good." "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm famous for more than a Mavis Riley impression and Family Fortunes." "I am famous for other things, aren't I?" "Er..." "The Les Dennis Laughter Show?" "Russ Abbot's Madhouse?" " Were you in that?" " Yeah." " Well then, if you..." " You don't remember." "Nobody remembers." "That's why I'm in a shitty little panto where the only people laughing were that bunch of gays." " Nothing wrong with gays." " I know." "But they'll laugh at anything." "No victory making a bunch of gay fellows laugh." "They'll laugh at anything." " Look at that Graham Norton." " He's all right, isn't he?" "Is he?" "Is this funny, is it?" ""Oh, look at this website about cocks and fannies!"" ""Oh, Jackie Collins, what lovely tits!"" ""Do you like a cock up your arse?" "Oh!" Is that funny?" "It is quite funny when you do it, but keep it down a little bit." " We're in a pub." " What is that?" "I want to do something more high brow." "Oscar Wilde or something." "Yeah, definitely." "He was gay." "I know, but not in the same way, he was clever." "Would this have been funny, him going through customs," ""I have nothing to declare but my genius."" ""Oh!" "And this vibrating tongue for pleasuring fannies!" "Oh!" Is that funny?" "Again, quite funny when you do it, but it's Sunday, can you keep the fannies down to a minimum?" "Why can't I just stay in this?" "Because that is not the costume we said you'd wear." "Olivia Newton John wouldn't be seen dead in that." "Look, just do as you're told, will you?" " I'm changing, I'm changing." " It's me, it's Maggie." "Hi." "Your mum said I had to come up and have a look at all your awards" " and cups and..." " Oh." "Here they are." " Wow, look at that." " Gymnastics." " Second, second, first." " First, that one." "Lots of photographs of your dad there, doing his..." "Whatever he's doing." "I don't see any photographs of you with your friends." " Have you got any friends your own age?" " Yeah, you." "You're my best friend." " Apart from me?" " Well, all the friends downstairs." "They're all friends, they're all old friends." "They are old friends." "It looks like the cast of Last of the Summer Wine down there." "Dad said when I'm famous that I'll have all the friends I'll need." "He said I'd have too many friends." "Do you enjoy all this, though?" "I mean, really, all this dressing up and performing?" "Yeah, I love it." "But do you, though?" "Is this what you want to do or is it what your dad wants?" "Dad knows what's good for me." "I've been doing this since I was two, it's in my blood." "But it wasn't your ambition when you were two, was it?" "I mean, I think you seem to be missing out on a whole load of stuff." "Just..." "I think he's suffocating you a bit." "You're making me sad and it's my birthday." "Sorry." "# Anything you can do I can do better" "# I can do anything better than you" "# No, you can't # Yes, I can" "# No, you can't" "# Yes, I can" "# Tell me more, tell me more" "# Was it love at first sight?" "# Tell me more, tell me more" "# Did she put up a fight?" "# A-ha, a-ha, a-ha, a-ha" "# Ah-a, ah-a, ah-a, ah-a #" "# Well, you've got to speed it up" "# And then you've got to slow it down" "# 'Cause if you believe that a love can hit the top" "# You've got to play around" "# And soon you will find that there comes a time" "# For making your mind up" "# For making your mind up" "# For making your mind up" " Sorry, Dad." " Don't apologise to me." "Apologise to the audience who thought that you ruined it." "That was bad." "It was bad because we did not do enough rehearsal." " I was getting ready for my birthday." " We were all getting ready for your birthday." "Some of us found time to practise and some of us didn't because you were too busy worrying about a stupid bloody dress." "And now you have let down your public." " What is the golden rule?" " Never let down your public." "Never let down your public." "Well, you have let them down and you've let me down and you've let yourself down." "Enjoy the rest of the day." "Maybe next time you'll listen to your silly old daddy." " Maggie was right." " Why?" "What did Maggie say?" " This is weird." " I didn't say weird." "I should have friends my own age like she said." "You do look like the cast of Last of the Summer Wine." " Great show." " I want to start living my own life." "Do you know what I want to do in life?" "No, because you've never asked me." "Well, well, well." "It seems quite a poisonous element has entered our little home." " Quite a nasty little piece of work." " Can I just say..." "I think that you should go, you have done quite enough damage." "Oh, God, this is daft, this is silly..." "It's his house." "If he wants you to leave, you should leave." "Bye, Nana." "Yeah." "Bye, everybody." "Oh, I just want to say, do you mind if I take a couple of sandwiches for the train?" "I haven't eaten since 4:00 and I've got no food in the house." "Didn't think I was going to get chucked out of the party." "You should have thought of that before you fucked up my daughter's life." " Good night." " Okay." "When the laughter stops, when the audience departs, when the make-up has been removed, what is left of the clown?" "Nothing but an empty costume." "I should have listened to that." "Do you know who said that?" " Jean Paul Sartre?" " Bobby Davro." "Davvers took me aside, he said, "Beware, Les, you won't always be riding high."" "But I wasn't even listening." "I was too busy telling him some of the funny answers we get on Family Fortunes." "Have I ever told you any of those?" "Like I said to this woman," ""Name something red." She said, "My cardigan."" "How could that have been up there?" "We survey 100 people, how'd they know?" ""Name a domestic pet," this fella said, "Leopard."" " That's not domestic, is it?" " No." "No way." "What about her?" "No, I'm not interested in birds anymore." "They just bleed you dry and then they're off out the door." "Bye-bye." "She's been looking at you all night." "She's pissed up." "She's a pissed up slapper." "I'm not about to have a one night stand with a pissed up slapper just to make myself feel a bit better." "I've still got some dignity." "Hello?" "Would you rather have a bionic arm or a bionic leg?" "Good question." "Bionic leg so I could hop to work." "So would I. I'd have a bionic leg but it would be for kicking." "Actually, I tell you what, a bionic arm would come in useful some nights." " How do you mean?" " Doesn't matter." " I'm starving." "Have you eaten anything?" " No." "Can I come over and cook you something?" "It's 11:30." "And you can't cook." " Fair point." "Well, see you tomorrow, then." " Yeah." " Bye." " Bye." "Is that good?" "Is that good?" "I don't really know." "What?" "If it's up there, I'll give you the money myself." "Get off me."