"Ah, you better have a good reason for being late." "Oh, I do." "Olivia just told Fitz they could never see each other again, and then they had sex." "I would love to hear all about your friends, but I'll read about it later in your Hello Kitty diary." "No, no, no, no, no." "I'm talking about the show "Scandal."" "Oh, my god." "You would love it." "I reserve the word "love" for my children and for chocolate above 70% cacao." " Ladies, come." " My first PTA meeting." "I'm so excited." "Whoo!" "I'm sure you're very excited to try and spread your parental wings, Kate, but let's keep those little feathers tightly tucked, shall we?" "Okay, first order of business ..." " The semi-formal is this weekend." " Exciting!" "Tightly tucked." " Question ... what are chaperones wearing?" " Yes?" "No bare shoulders ..." "looking at you, Lisa." "And bras." "Okay." "Moving on." "I think, uh, some of us would like to reopen the squash debate." " Squash is the..." " Granola?" " Mm." " ...unsung hero of indoor court sports." "Diane?" "Oh, my god." "Oh." "Is there a doctor?" " I am a doctor." " Oh." "Diane." "Here!" "Here!" "Ready?" "Wait!" "No, Diane, I'm trying to help you!" "Oh, my god." " Stop!" "Stop it!" " No!" "No, here!" "Just get ready." "One..." " Hurting or helping?" "!" " Oh!" " Are you okay, Diane?" " No." "Your granola is too dry." "1x19 - "The Minutes"" "I don't think I'm asking too much." "Just one "thank you" in exchange for saving her life." "You're wasting your time." "Diane thinks being indebted to someone is a sign of weakness." "I bet she tries to kill you and then saves your life." "She's really good at pointing out when I do something wrong." "I just want her to point out that I did" " something right." " It's not gonna happen." "Well, then I'm just gonna keep shaming here with fine jams and muffins until she does." "Diane hates poppy seeds." " Also, that's my muffin." " Fine." "You need to leave so you don't see me eat that off the floor." "Knock yourself out." "The greatest thing just happened!" "I wasn't gonna eat this off the floor!" "You're my daughter." "I love you." "I can't lie." "I was." "Dad, I don't care, okay?" " So, uh, what's going on?" " Well, I really liked this boy, but I wasn't sure if he was gonna ask me to the semi-formal." "So I cornered him in German club and said, "achtung!" "You are taking me to the dance."" "That's how your mother first asked me out." "I-it w-worked for a while, and then it didn't." "I am so psyched." " I mean, he's cute, funny..." " Uh, what's this kid's name." " Evan Kramer." " Are his parents Paul and April?" "Yeah, I think so." "Bye, Dad." "The Kramers." "Wait, who are the Kramers?" "Our old neighbors ... the ones we had the feud with." " Oh!" "The ones who said we stole their wok." " No, that was the Waxbergs." " Uh, the ones who said we dinged their car." " No, that was the Halstroms." "Were you high our entire marriage?" "The Kramers on Cyprus Street." "Oh, the Kr... the Kramers." "Ohh, smelly bastards." " Why do we hate them, again?" " You don't remember why we hate them, but you remember what they smell like?" "Yeah." "Wet cashews." "Bastards." "They lent us a hose with a tear in it." "Then they said that we did it." "Small people." "Hillary is not going to the dance with him." "I mean, can I do that?" "Can I ... can I just put my foot down and say she can't?" " Yeah." "My father did it with you." " Yeah, but we got married." "Yeah, but then we got divorced, so he wins." "Of course, he was already dead, so I guess it's a push." " Kramers are the worst." " Oh." "I'd rather Hillary went to the dance" " with literally anyone else." " Yeah, even a murderer." "Especially a murderer." "So you'll back me up on this?" "Oh, man, you got it." "And, hey, if that murderer gets any ideas... snip, snip." "Well, I, uh just came by to see how you were doing." "Oh, I was doing better yesterday" " when my interior ribs were still intact." " Yeah, great." " Well, I brought you a little care package." " Hmm." "Uh, some assorted jams and the first two seasons of "Scandal."" "Oh, lovely." "Ah." "Jam without toast points?" "What a cruel tease." "Well ..." "I'm just..." "glad I was there." "I mean, I don't even what to imagine what would have happened if i wasn't." "Oh, is this your not-so-subtle way of fishing for a "thank you," Kate?" "Oh, well, if that's something that you want to say to the person who saved your life, then I say go with it." "I'm not going to thank you because I could have easily saved myself." "I could have coughed it up or even self-administered a tracheotomy." "It's an incredibly gruesome and beautiful thing that few people ever get to see." "You simply overreacted." "Okay, the semi-formal's on Saturday, and I want to make sure I'm not forgetting anything." "How am I doing with my prep?" " Tux?" " Oh." "Check." " Corsage?" " Check." "Signature robotic dance move?" "Check plus!" " Date?" " Uh, put a small check on that one." "See, I've asked a couple girls, but they said it would be weird because we go to school together, which is true." "My mom told me a very moving bedtime story about how a marine asked Mila Kunis to this dance over the internet and she went." "Bert, the dance is on Saturday." "I don't know much about becoming a marine, but it seems like we're cutting it close." "Not the marine part..." "the celebrity part!" "Dude!" "Dude, you're a genius!" "Yep." "Maybe we could double date." "How do you feel about the Fanning sisters?" "I got dibs on Dakota." "I wish Diane were here so we can get started." "Well, we don't need Diane." "I can just frown and say..." ""Everybody, let's get started."" " What's going on?" " Oh." "Oh, just a bunch of cool mamacitas just kicking it." "We got it covered, Diane." "You should just go home and get some rest." "Oh, I'm fine." "Never better." "M-maybe you should leave, Diane." "I'm ..." "I'm worried about you." "Your husband works for Blackberry, and you're worried about me?" "You know, Diane, really, I-I ..." "I got it covered." " Yeah, yeah, Kate's got it." " Yeah." "I make a motion to let Diane go home and rest." " I second." " Me ... me too." "Oh, look at that." "People have spoken." "Get out of here, lady." "You don't know what you're getting yourself into." "Uh, yeah, well, I happened to save a life yesterday ..." "Your life ... so I'm kind of on a roll." "Oh." "As you wish." "But I am warning you, this dance will never come off without me." "Did she just put a curse on the ball?" "You're funny." "Oh, I am a joke machine." "Need to make jokes." "Just kidding." "Let's just get ..." "let's get started." "It's just how it happened to turn out." "All right." "Any other business?" " Yes." " Yeah?" "Sad news ... the field trip to the art museum has been canceled due to lack of student interest." "On the bright side, we've got some extra money to play with." "Oh." "Well, sucks for the art world, great for us." "Well, I-I'd like to make a motion to dedicate that money to a girls squash team." "Yeah." "Iris, we all know how you feel about squash." "But clearly, you're alone on that." "So I make a motion to stop proposing a girls squash team." "Everyone in favor to quash squash?" "All right." "Next." " Sweetie?" " Hey." "Hi." "Uh..." "we need to talk to you." "It's about you going to the dance with Evan Kramer." "Oh, it doesn't even matter now." "His parents won't let him go with me." " They forbid him." " Did they say why?" " Was it the hose?" " What hose?" "A 20-foot hose with a detachable nozzle." "It doesn't matter." "I can't believe that they're holding that grudge against you." "You know what, sister?" "You're better off not going to the dance with a kid who comes from a family like that." "But I like him so much." "Dad, will you please go talk to Evan's parents?" "Honey, I think what's done is done." "I-I'm sure there are a lot of boys who'd love to go to the dance with you." " Dad, I beseech you!" " I'd go easy on the big words, though." " Okay, sweetie." "I'll try." " Thank you!" " I love you." " I love you, too." "Oh, my god!" "I can't believe it!" " I can't believe it!" " What's the matter?" "Did you finally finish "Charlotte's web"?" " Oh!" "Not even close!" " But Vanessa Hudgens said she'll go to the semi-formal with Warren!" " Wait." "No, no." "That can't possibly be right." " No, no, no." "It is." "I posted a video online about how I needed a date to the semi-formal." "Her manager just e-mailed me saying that she would rearrange her schedule to make my dreams come true!" " Show me the video." " Okay." "Hi, Vanessa Hudgens." "I'm Warren Harrison." "I know this may seem bold, but I don't have a lot of time left, so I'm just going to say it." "Would you go to my semi-formal with me?" "I may not be the coolest guy or... or the most popular..." " But my brother is ill." " Oh, Bert." "Come on." "You are." "You are incredibly ill." "I mean, I hate to say it, but I am pretty sick." "Please help my brother's wish come true." "She thinks you have a terminal illness." "Bert, are you hearing this nonsense?" " No." " Warren, every word out of your mouth is either "ill" or "sick" or "wish."" "And plus, you were wrapped in an afghan." "Uh, yeah, because I wanted her to like me" " for me and not my body." " Yeah." "Okay, you need to e-mail Vanessa Hudgens' manager right now." "Okay, I'll just do it after the dance." " Okay, fine." "I'll do it now." " Ooh." "You must have put this in the trash by accident." "I never do anything by accident." "Ooh." "Hello." "Okay, we know that you can be a little bit of a hothead." "Just let me do the talking." "Smart." "Good plan." "Love the plan." " Hey, Paul!" "Hey, April!" " Jackie, Pete!" " Boy, I haven't seen you guys in years." "It's ..." " Cut the crap, Paul." "You look 10 years older than the last time I saw you 2 years ago." "So much for the plan." "Uh, look..." "Hillary said that you won't let Evan take her to the dance?" "What?" "We didn't say that." "Cut the crap, April." "I haven't seen you in a long time." "And your skin does not look good." " No spin on that at all." " Okay." "Okay." "Why would we tell Evan he couldn't go to a dance" " with your daughter?" " Because you're so small, you're still mad about the hose that we borrowed that you said," " when we returned it, had a tear in it." " Evan!" "Can you come out here for a second, sweetheart?" "Oh." "Hey, Evan." "Nice nose!" "These two drop you on your face when you were a baby?" "I think maybe we should stop taking personal potshots." " I'm trying." "I can't stop." " Why did you tell Hillary we wouldn't allow you to take her to the dance?" "I was too scared to say no, okay?" "I mean, she's so bossy and she uses big words and she wears Blazers." "For two years, I thought she was a teacher." "It just seemed easier to tell her it was because of you guys." "I'm..." "I'm really sorry." "First of all, she doesn't just wear Blazers." "She wears neckerchiefs and barn jackets." "You're trying to spare her feelings." "Just ... just try and tell the truth." "Okay!" "I'm sorry." "I tore the hose." "Mm." "That's the president." "Fitz ... war hero, classically handsome." "He and Olivia are lovers, but he and her father are enemies." "Hmm." "Wicked web." "Stop!" "Stop!" "Shush!" "Sit." "Oh, my husband's going to be here soon to pick me up and I'm not done and I still have another ..." " Shh!" " Okay." "I don't need to fight." "I love you." "The American public needs fixing." "...can be very scarring, and I still can't hear out of my left ear, which is why I vote for no dunk tank this year." "Okay." "Well, thank you, Connie." "Can I just say, this meeting has been more civil and respectful and less "wrap it up, Connie" than ever before?" "I mean, thank you, Kate." " Oh." "Well..." " Thank you." "Well, thank you for saying "thank you."" "I mean, can you believe that Diane has yet to thank me for saving her life?" "No way!" "Oh, way." "Big-time way." "I mean, what do you expect from..." ""Dr. Diane Buckley," ""the doctor who went to doctor school to become a doctor." "Have you heard?" "I'm a doctor."" "Kate, you're so bad." "I am Diane." "I cannot human smile." "Stop!" "Stop it." "You are awful." "I knew there was a context where that robot voice would kill." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "And what about Principal Johnson?" "You know, this guy is sort of like..." ""Oh, I've had so much work done, my eyes are where my ears should be."" "Oh." "Oh!" "Can we just talk about the gym teacher for a second?" "I mean, come on!" "How is that guy a gym teacher?" "!" "For real?" "!" "I mean, he looks like the middle guy on the evolution chart." "He's like..." ""Way to hustle." "Way to hustle." "Way to hustle."" "Wait, wait." "H-how many hustles was that?" " Uh, uh, uh, three." "Why?" " Okay." "For the Minutes." "Right." "Okay." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Hall-monitor lady who walks around ..." " The ... wait." "The what?" " The Minutes." "It's the transcript of the meeting that goes out to the whole school community." " Do the lunch lady!" " Oh, yeah." "Iris!" "Hey, what up, girlfriend?" "Sweet Jeggings." "Oh." "Didn't say it earlier, unlike some things that I did say earlier, which I was hoping that you wouldn't publish in the Minutes." "Sure." "No problem at all." "Oh, god." "Thank you." "Oh, my god." "What a relief." "'Cause I was like, "eee," and now I'm like, "ahh."" "It's my pleasure." " Okay." " How about this?" "I'll redact your insults from the Minutes if you put the budget surplus towards a girls squash team." "Okay, but nobody wants the squash team." " I mean, I quashed the squash." " Then un-quash it, or else everybody's gonna have to read your little comedy routine." "You know what?" "Send them out." "Everyone will see that you were equally as guilty in egging me on." "Really?" "'Cause the transcript reads like I was trying to stop you." ""Kate, you're so bad." "Stop it." "Stop it." "You're ... you're awful."" "Yeah, but that's taken out of context." "Oh, I wonder what Principal Johnson is gonna think when he has to write college recommendations for your kids." "After the things you said about him, he probably would frown if he could, huh?" "I-Iris." "Iris." "I hate your Jeggings!" "I don't want to do this." "How do you tell your kid someone doesn't like them?" "I don't know." "Thank god we'll never have to deal with this with Bert." " Hey, sweetie." " Hey." "What happened?" "What did Evan's parents say?" " Well, the truth is..." " Yeah?" "...it was about the hose." "They wouldn't let it go." "I begged them to put it aside." "It's a piece of rubber." "I said, "I'll buy you another!" "I'll buy you 10!" "Just please let our kids be happy."" "Well, if they're that unreasonable, then who cares what they think?" "They can't keep me and Evan from going." "I'm going to go talk to him." " Y-you can't go over there." " Why not, Dad?" " I forbid it." " That's not fair." "I don't care what's fair." "You can go to the dance with anyone else." " Even a murderer." " Especially a murderer." "I hate you." "I just undid 14 years of love with one fake crisis." "Well, you protected her feelings." "That was a nice thing you did." "Makes me uneasy when you agree with my parenting style." " You want me to come up with a plan?" " Olivia Pope use your superpower." "Diane, I need your help." " Are you watching "Scandal"?" " No, no." "Help with what?" "Iris is trying to blackmail me." "So the PTA isn't so easy after all, huh, Kate?" "Okay, tell me everything you know." "She recorded me saying some mean but ... but really funny things" " about people in the Minutes." " Mm-hmm." "And ... and then now she's gonna publish them if I don't back up her squash proposal." " Please help me." " Okay, but we need to act fast." "Tomorrow morning, put a tail on Iris." " We've got to find some dirt on her." "Claudia." " Mm, yes?" "I want you to talk to Iris' housekeeper." "She's bound to know something." "Claudia's husband, I want you to look up Tony Goldwyn's filmography online." "I know he's been in something, and it's driving me crazy!" " You have been watching "Scandal."" " It's an excellent show." "There you are." "That's great." "She had a latte and a croissant." " Not much of a tipper." " Mm." "We need more." "I'll get us more." "Yes!" "Okay, according to the internet," "Tony Goldwyn is best known for "Ghost,"" "the voice of Tarzan, and "The last samurai."" " That's it." " We're still missing something." "Iris' dirty laundry." "Claudia, when I said, "Iris' dirty laundry," I meant her ..." "Hello." "We've got her." "Hmm." "I thought you weren't going to the dance." "Nope." "I'm going." "I e-mailed Vanessa Hudgens' people." " And I told them the truth." " And she's going with you?" "Nope, but after my brush with death, it made me realize, you know, we get closer and closer to death every day, but that can't stop us from living." "So, you know what?" "I'm going to this dance, and my date is life." "And also hopefully Nicolette Demayo because I heard her boyfriend dumped her." " Well, how do I look?" " Bend down a little." "Vanessa Hudgens doesn't know what she's missing." "Aww." "Oh, just in time." "I was about to send out the Minutes." " The Minutes can wait a minute." " We only need a minute." " We know why you've been pushing squash." " Because it's a great sport." "And because you went to Wellesley and you want your daughter to go there, too." "But your daughter's grades blow." "Lucky for her, Wellesley has an anemic squash team." "They'll accept young ladies with a low GPA if they have even a passing acquaintance with the sport squash." "So I want what's best for my daughter." "That's not a crime." "No, but using the PTA laptop for personal use is." "I never did that." "Here's a picture of you using the laptop, playing Minesweeper at a coffee shop." "And another picture of you playing Minesweeper at a table for one at Cabo cantina." "It would be a shame for your daughter to find out that you were trying to get her into college." "In this way." "Fine." "What do you want?" "Delete the Minutes." "There." "W-what are you doing?" "Diane?" "Diane?" "Scrubbing the hard drive." "Oh!" "My high score." "It's handled." "It's handled." " Thank you for saving me, Diane." " You're welcome." "Now I'm not indebted to you anymore." "Oh, you weren't indebted to me." "I just helped you and wanted a simple "thank you"" "instead of your usual snipey comments." "Snippy." "And I didn't need your help." "Oh, I know." "You never did, and you never will." "But if you ever do, I'll be there for you." "Or I'll just stand there and watch you die." "Thank you, Kate." "Diane, where are you going?" "Your car's over here." "Diane?"