"("the William Tell overture" playing)" "(cheering)" "You've done it!" "Well done!" "Arthur Schmidt, top international economist government advisor on tariff control lecturer at Hamburg university author of "the Schmidt plan for transport subsidies"" "simply can't resist a bit on the side." "half a chance, and he's away." "(screaming)" "Norbert Shultz, chairman of 32 companies and a brilliant fiscal theoretician but one glimpse of a bit of tail and you can forget it." "You might not see him for weeks." "Professor Thomas Woitkewitsch lectures on business studies at the Wurtemburg institute." "Son of the famous industrialist he's always slipping it to someone-- blonde or brunette-- if it goes, he'll chase it." "The, uh, latest figures are..." "These six men have just produced a controversial report for the iron and steel advisory committee of the common market secretariat-- the most vital decision-making body in European politics today." "They're always at it." "bang, bang, bang." "They're worse than rabbits." "(woman squealing)" "Here in Brussels, headquarters of the common market prices have soared." "It now costs ten pounds for half an hour at her flat and up to 20 pounds for a hotel room with trapeze." "In Rome, agricultural experts have spent nearly three weeks having a good time with some ladies and it's rumoured that when the international monetary fund meets next week in London, it'll be pants down and on with the job." "Why are so many of these top financial experts so keen to get into bed with young girls?" "To rub themselves up against bare skin?" "To put their tongues into other people's mouths?" "To poke their fingers into tight brassieres and to bury their faces in handfuls of underwear?" "We asked a sociologist." "They're probably just confused." "What, exactly, is it that makes them want to go to bed with these people and do these apparently irrational things to them?" "Is it for tax concessions?" "Is it allowable expenditure against half-yearly profits?" "Is it something to do with central heating?" "Do they eat too much citrus fruit?" "Whatever the reason, in the light of this should the common market now be cancelled?" "Has it become just a thin excuse for a multinational orgy or is it still a serious attempt to aid the rich?" "And will tariff cuts bring more trade or just a higher birth rate?" "Even as I speak to you now in this famous Munich bank behind me there are some people who 17 or 18 times a night... (tires screeching)" "(Sousa's "liberty bell march" playing)" "(music ends with a fart)" "Good evening." "Tonight:" "Sycophancy." "What a super title." "Shh." "With me tonight is the well-known Bristol sycophant mr." "Norman Thromby." "Hello, everyone, wherever you are." "Thanks a million for looking in." "And the man from Glamorgan, who is not a sycophant." "Hello." "Nice to be here." "I thought you weren't a sycophant." "That's right, you tell him, mr. chairman." "You just tell him." "I'm not a sycophant but I do try to be polite to people." "Ooh, sounds a bit creepy to me, doesn't it?" "It's not creepy!" "Even this famous TV personality has it off..." "Yes, it is creepy." "Well, I think we'll come back on this point in a few minutes." "Oh, yes, that's by far the best idea." "Absolutely right." "Absolutely right again." "First of all, let's see some sycophants on film." "Super." "announcer:" "The sycophants are one of the largest of marine carnivores." "Their soft, furry underbellies made them a favourite target for hunters." "Now, on this island the sycophants come to breed every summer protected by law." "But they're not the only breed which has been saved by a small body of men determined to preserve the dying species of the world." "Here, in his 4,000 acre nature reserve in southern Bavaria, Frank Tutankhamen has dedicated his life to preserving mice." "We spoke to his nearby neighbour mrs." "Betty Weiss." "Hello." "man:" "Hello." "Mr. Tutankhamen claims that his eight white mice roam in these mountains and hills." "Well, uh, there's one over there." "There's two of the little fellows on this plateau here, and I think old squeaky is up on that mountain there." "Many wildlife preservationists have questioned the need for preserving eight mice on these 4,000 acres when there are over 60 million of them in nearby Stuttgart alone." "Just be another few minutes." "But mr." "Tutankhamen is undaunted by criticism and has recently opened a national fish park." "600 acres of pasture and woodland where cod and herring can wander freely." "Visitors can drive through the preserve and look at the fish, provided, of course, they don't leave their cars." "The fish wardens work hard, but so far this year the fish park has only had six visitors-- less than most other zoos-- indeed, less than most private houses." "We asked the Peruvian minister of pensions why this was." "Uh..." "W-well..." "I, I suppose, it, it may be..." "Uh..." "Uh..." "Because..." "He hadn't a clue." "But it's mice that are the big business here and every Monday, Frank Tutankhamen rides out to count his herd." "He takes with him three of his most tough and hardened mouseboys." "(whinnying)" "This is mouse country-- where a man can ride for days and days without seeing his auntie." "But suddenly they're in luck." "Frank has spotted a mouse and the chase is on!" "(squeaking)" "If it's a mouse Frank hasn't seen before it's taken back to the ranch, broken in by a mouseboy and branded with a big "S"." "(squeaking)" "(frantic squeaking, sizzling)" "(tinny saloon piano playing)" "(hooting and hollering)" "(squeaking)" "(loud rumbling)" "Hey, mouseboys, there's a mouse stampede!" "(squeaking)" "(yelling)" "(whinnying)" "(screaming)" "(yells)" "Whilst the mouse herds trample their way south up in the hills, there are solitary men" "Seeking the even greater rewards that lie in these mountains." "The single magic word that has tantalized man since the dawn of history:" "Chicken!" "Gabby has spent 50 years panning for chicken." "He, like many other prospectors remembers the great chicken rush of '49 when this whole river ran with chickens." "Then, they were defeated by primitive methods." "Now, they're defeated by progress." "Chicken bones!" "We've struck chicken!" "(whooping and cheering)" "(peculiar accent):" "Die big chickenminen of von Nord Dakota..." "I'm sorry." "The big chicken mines of north Dakota are located in this particular geological strata." "As you can see, volcanic activity has caused these igneous rocks to expand up through the alluvial shales revealing these rich veins of chicken here." "The men who mine these chickens work at the chicken face for long and hard hours in appallingly noisy conditions sometimes going for weeks without seeing their aunties." "Nowadays, every possible means is being used to tap the world's hen resources." "(clucking)" "Here y'are." "Pure chicken from up the creek." "(muffled howl)" "I'm sorry, Gabby." "That ain't no chicken at all." "What?" "!" "It's a fake, Gabby." "Yes, the first forged chickens had appeared." "This Rhode Island Red was a cleverly reconstructed rabbit." "This Suffolk bantam was a hollowed-out eagle stuffed with lizards and badgers." "This Kentish pullet turned out to be a mr." "S.P. Stebbins." "This herd of broilers was made out of a single camel." "A most interesting development, but not nearly as interesting as this man, who makes his living..." "Will you shut up and get out of here?" "I'm busy." "Oh, sorry." "(crickets chirping)" "(dog barking in the distance)" "(barking getting closer)" "(barking and snorting)" "(whimpering and scratching)" "(yelling and grunting)" "(panting and chuckling)" "Yes." "Heinrich Bonner is a professional flea buster capturing, breaking, and training wild fleas for Europe's leading flea circuses." "This year, he's also one of Germany's big hopes in the Olympic three-day flea dressage event and looks a sure bet to come away with a medal." "Good luck, Heinrich!" "Huh?" "(yelling)" "(howling)" "(cheering)" "(howling continues)" "Stop!" "(fanfare playing) announcer:" "Good afternoon, and welcome to a packed Olympic stadium, Munich for the second leg of this exciting final..." "And here come the Germans now led by their skipper, "Nobby" Hegel." "They must surely start favourites this afternoon." "They've certainly attracted the most attention from the press with their team problems and let's now see their line-up." "The Germans playing 4-2-4, Leibniz in goal back four, Kant, Hegel, Schopenhauer and Schelling front-runners, Schlegel" "Wittgenstein, Nietzsche and Heidegger and the midfield duo of Beckenbauer and Jaspers." "Beckenbauer obviously a bit of a surprise there." "And here come the Greeks led out by their veteran centre-half Heracleitus." "Let's look at their team." "As you'd expect it's a much more defensive line-up." "Plato's in goal, Socrates a front-runner there and Aristotle as sweeper." "Aristotle very much the man in form." "One surprise is the inclusion of Archimedes." "Well, here comes the referee" "K'ung Futzu Confucius, and his two linesmen" "St. Augustine and St. Thomas Aquinas and as the two skippers come together to shake hands we're ready for the start of this very exciting final." "The referee, mr." "Confucius, checks his sand, and... (whistle blowing)" "They're off." "Nietzsche and Hegel there." "Karl Jaspers, number seven on the outside." "Wittgenstein there with him." "There's Beckenbauer." "Schelling's in there." "Heidegger covering..." "Schopenhauer..." "And now it's the Greeks, Epicurus..." "Plotinus, number six..." "Aristotle..." "Empedocles of Acragas and Democritus with him." "There's Archimedes." "Socrates, there he is, Socrates." "Socrates there, going through." "There's the ball, there's the ball..." "And Nietzsche there." "Nietzsche, number ten in this German side." "Kant moving up on the outside." "Schlegel's on the left." "The Germans moving very well in these opening moments." "Well, there you are and we'll be returning to the match sometime in the second half but right now, it's time for wrestling." "A five round heavyweight contest..." "Three falls, two submissions or a knockout to decide the winner between, in the red corner, Colin "Bomber" Harris... (applause)" "And, in the red corner, Colin "Bomber" Harris." "(bell rings) announcer:" "Here comes Bomber now... circling around, looking for an opening." "He's wrestled himself many times in the past, this boy so he knows practically all his own moves by now and he's going for the double hand lock." "He's got it." "Here's the head squeeze and the Albanian headlock." "Going for the throw, and he's got the throw..." "And now he's working on that left leg." "This is an old weakness of his." "Oh, but he caught himself beautifully there with the, uh, the flying Welshman and now there's the half Nelson." "He can twist out of this and he's twisted beautifully into the Finnish leg lock." "Oh, but he didn't like that." "He did not like that one little bit." "But the... the referee's not interested he's waving him on and Bomber's angry now." "Bomber is really angry with himself now..." "And there's a forearm tug and he's gone for the double overhead nostril." "Now, this is painful." "Oh, but he caught himself beautifully a really lovely move there." "Now, he's going for the fall." "The shoulders have to be on the mat for three seconds." "Now, he's twisting out of it." "No problem here." "Oh, but he's caught himself beautifully there with the double overhead." "He's got the double overhead on." "I don't think he can get out of this." "One... and two... and three..." "one... two... three and that's the first fall to Bomber." "Well, what a surprise there." "I think Bomber will have to come back at himself pretty fast now before he gets on top." "And there's the forearm smash and the hammer to the head and he's groggy now and there's the flying Welshman again and another flying Welshman and a half-Egyptian and he's a little stunned there but he's got the half-crab" "and he's got the half-crab and this looks nasty." "This looks very nasty indeed." "I think Bomber's going to make the ropes." "Is he going to make the ropes?" "Yes, he made them." "Well, I think he was a little lucky there." "He was in a tricky situation and he's gone straight into the neck pin." "He's got a neck pin there." "He's in a little trouble." "He twists out of it." "He looks groggy and he's caught himself two beautiful forearm smashes and he's out." "I think Bomber's out." "The winner." "Yes, he's won." "He has won." "Well, what a match and he'll be going on next week to meet himself in the final." "Well, right now, we're going back to the Olympic stadium for the closing minutes of the philosophy final and I understand that there's still no score." "Well, there may be no score but there's certainly no lack of excitement here." "As you can see, Nietzsche has just been booked for arguing with the referee." "He accused Confucius of having no free will and Confucius, he say, "name go in book"" "and this is Nietzsche's third booking in four games... and who... that is Karl Marx." "Karl Marx is warming up." "It looks as though there's going to be a substitution on the German side." "Obviously, manager Martin Luther has decided on all-out attack, as indeed he must with only two minutes of the match to go but the big question is who is he going to replace?" "Who's going to come off?" "It could be jaspers, Hegel or Schopenhauer but it's Wittgenstein." "Wittgenstein, who saw his auntie only last week and here's Marx." "Let's see if he can put some life into this German attack." "Evidently not." "What a shame." "Well, now, with just over a minute left a replay on Tuesday looks absolutely vital and there's Archimedes and I think he's had an idea." "Eureka!" "Archimedes out to Socrates." "Socrates back to Archimedes." "Archimedes out to Heracleitus." "He beats Hegel." "Heracleitus a little flick." "Here he comes on the far post." "Socrates is there." "Socrates... and it's in!" "Socrates has scored!" "The Greeks are going mad." "The Greeks are going mad." "Socrates scores with a beautiful cross from Archimedes." "The Germans are disputing it." "Hegel is arguing that the reality is merely an a priori adjunct of non-naturalistic ethics." "Kant, via the categorical imperative is holding that ontologically it exists only in the imagination and Marx is claiming it was offside." "But Confucius lulls them with a final whistle." "It's all over." "Germany, having trounced England's famous midfield trio" "Bentham, Locke and Hobbes, in the semi-final have been beaten by the odd goal and let's see it again." "There it is." "Socrates..." "Socrates heads in and Leibniz doesn't have a chance and just look at those delighted Greeks." "There they are, "Chopper" Sophocles" "Empedocles of Acragas-- what a game he had-- and Epicurus is there, and Socrates, the captain who scored what was probably the most important goal of his career." "(fanfare music playing)" "(horns honking)" "(deafening traffic noise)" "(deafening noise continues)" "(siren wailing)" "(deafening traffic noise)" "(deafening noise continues)" "(deafening noise continues)" "(gunfire and explosions)" "(screaming)" "(screaming)" "(antiaircraft fire)" "(sirens wailing)" "(sirens wailing)" "(traffic stopping)" "Hmm?" "Oh, that's better." "My dear, what I've been trying to say is that to me you are the sweetest, kindest..." "I was right." "And, now, for ten seconds of sex." "(clock ticking)" "(alarm dinging)" "Okay, you can stop now." "Why do they go on about it?" "Isn't there anything else of interest to these people?" "Good evening." "I'm interested in buying a hearing aid." "I'm sorry?" "I'm interested in buying a hearing aid." "I didn't quite catch it." "I want to buy a hearing aid." "Ah." "Um... hang on just one moment, sir." "I'll just switch the radio off." "(music blaring)" "Fine." "Now, uh, what was it again?" "What?" "What was it again?" "I can't hear." "What?" "The radio is too loud." "Yes, it's very nice, isn't it?" "(music stops)" "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear." "The radio was too loud." "Ah." "Pardon?" "I'm sorry, I don't think my hearing aid's working properly." "I've only had it a couple of a days." "Hang on." "Yes, there we are." "It's working now." "Is it good?" "About 14 pounds." "Uh, yes, but is it good?" "No-no, it fits in the pocket here." "Can you hear me?" "What?" "Can you hear me?" "Oh, contact lenses." "What?" "You want contact lenses." "No." "Oh, well, I'll get dr." "Waring, then." "He does the contact lenses." "I only do the hearing aids." "Ah, good morning, sir." "You want some contact lenses, do you?" "What?" "You want some contact lenses, do you?" "Uh, I can't hear what you're saying, dr." "Waring." "I think you need a hearing aid not contact lenses." "Uh, no, I want the hearing aid." "Who said that?" "Is there someone else in here?" "What?" "I think there's someone else in here." "Yes, it's me, here." "Ah!" "You wanted the contact lenses, did you?" "Uh, no, I want a hearing aid." "Ah!" "Well, mr." "Rogers will look after you." "Someone to see you, mr." "Rogers." "He'll be down in a minute." "Now, you wanted the contact lenses, did you, sir?" "Would you come this way, please?" "Uh, wh-what?" "This way, please." "Uh, I-I don't understand, dr." "Waring." "Just in here." "Why didn't you say you were rogers?" "You know my lenses play me up sometimes." "What?" "(glass crunching)" "Ah!" "I do apologize most sincerely for the inconvenience, sir." "Now, you wanted the contact lenses, did you?" "Uh, no, I wanted a hearing aid." "Mr. Rogers will deal with you, sir." "I'm dealing with this gentleman here." "Now, if you'd like to come this way, sir we'll try the contact lenses." "(glass crunching)" "(humming)" "Come on, sir." "(humming)" "Now, dr." "Rogers, I want a hearing aid." "Pardon?" "Uh, I'm sorry." "Look, I-I'm worried about dr." "Waring." "I think he thinks he's with someone." "Waring:" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Well, had you better go and tell him?" "No, no." "I better go and tell him." "Uh, dr." "Waring?" "Oh." "Oh, there you are." "I thought I'd lost you." "Uh, no, no. dr." "Waring, you're not with anybody." "Oh?" "Well, who's that talking to me then?" "Come on." "Don't be silly." "Sit down." "What?" "Why didn't you say you were Rogers?" "Uh, about a quarter to 6:00." "(glass crunching)" "Ah!" "Sorry, sir." "Now, then, you wanted the contact lenses, did you, sir?" "No, I wanted a hearing aid." "Ah." "Mmm." "So, you must be the gentleman who wanted the contact lenses." "No, I want a hearing aid." "Ah." "Mr. Rogers?" "Two gentlemen here would like hearing aids." "What?" "Um..." "I can't hear you, dr." "Waring." "I think it must be my hearing aid." "Uh, hang on a moment." "(screaming)" "It's so loud, it hurts." "Oh." "Oh, that's better." "Wait a moment." "I knocked me contacts out." "I've come to complain about my contact lenses." "What?" "I've come to complain about my contact lenses." "They're terrible." "They've ruined my eyesight." "But I haven't given you any." "You're a liar!" "What?" "You swindler!" "You money-grabbing quack, sir!" "Don't talk to me like that." "I'll talk to you any way I..." "Oh!" "Fisticuffs!" "What?" "Whoa!" "Oh, if that's the way you want it..." "Oh, backing away, are you?" "Too big for you, eh?" "Ah, break up my shop, would you?" "Oh." "I've got him." "Help!" "Help!" "I'm being attacked!" "Help me, dr." "Waring." "I'm being attacked." "It's all right, Rogers, I've got him." "Quick, I've got him." "Grab his arms." "I can't." "He's got me 'round the waist." "Never mind." "Get him to the door." "We'll throw him out." "I'm going to throw him out." "Attack mr." "Rogers, would you?" "Well, I'm more than a match for you." "Help, he's got me by the throat." "It's all right, I've got him by the throat." "We're by the door." "Let's throw him out." "One." "A-two..." "Two..." "A-three." "Three." "(yelling and crashing)" "You should see them when they've had a couple of drinks." "Good night, folks." "Just a fairy tale." "narrator:" "Once upon time long, long ago there lay in a valley far, far away in the mountains the most contented kingdom the world has ever known." "It was called Happy Valley and it was ruled over by a wise old king called Otto." "And all his subjects flourished and were happy." "And there were no discontents or grumblers because wise king Otto had had them all put to death along with the trade union leaders many years before." "And all the good happy folk of Happy Valley sang and danced all day long." "And anyone who was, for any reason miserable or unhappy or had any difficult personal problem was prosecuted under the happiness act." "Caspar Schlitz, I put it to you that you were on February the fifth of this year very depressed with malice aforethought and did moan quietly" "Contrary to the cheerful noises act." "I did." "May I just explain, m'lud the reason for my client's behaviour was that his wife had just died that morning." "(all laughing)" "(laughing hysterically)" "Members of the jury, have you reached your verdict?" "Guilty." "(all laughing)" "(laughing hysterically)" "I hereby sentence you to be hanged by the neck until you cheer up." "(all laughing)" "And while the good folk of Happy Valley tenaciously frolicked away their wise old king, who was a merry old thing played strange songs on his Hammond organ all day long up in the beautiful castle where he lived with his gracious queen, Syllabub" "and their lovely daughter, Mitzi Gaynor who had fabulous tits and an enchanting smile and a fine wit and wooden teeth which she bought in a chemist's in Augsburg despite the fire risk." "She treasured these teeth which were made of the finest pine and she varnished them after every meal." "And next to her teeth her dearest love was her pet rabbit, Herman." "She would take Herman for long walks and pet and fuss over him all day." "And she would visit the royal kitchens and steal him tasty titbits which he never ate because, sadly, he was dead." "And no one had the heart to tell her because she was so sweet and innocent and knew nothing of death or gastroenteritis or even plastic hip joints." "One day, when she was romping with Herman she suddenly set eyes on the most beautiful young man she had ever seen and fell deeply in love with him naturally assuming him to be a prince." "Well, fortunately, he was a prince." "So she found him in the book which her mother always made her carry and learned his name and went and introduced herself and the subject of marriage and he fell deeply in love with her." "And, in what seemed like the twinkling of an eye-- it was, in fact, a fortnight-- they were in her father's lounge asking his permission to marry." "(squealing gibberish)" "(squealing gibberish)" "(squealing continues)" "Daddy..." "Yes, daughter?" "We have something to ask you." "A request." "Sir, may I have your daughter's hand in marriage?" "Well, I don't know it but if you hum it, I'll soon pick it up." "Uh, no, sir, I really do wish to marry your daughter, sir." "Royal prince?" "Yes, sir?" "Is he in the book?" "Yes, daddy." "And do you really love my daughter?" "I do." "Well, in that case, I will set you a task to prove you worthy of her hand in marriage." "I accept." "You must climb to the highest part of the castle first thing tomorrow morning armed only with your sword and jump out of the window." "(all talking and laughing)" "(trumpet plays fanfare)" "Hey, look, there he is." "Look." "(fanfare continues)" "(applause and cheering)" "(applause and cheering continue)" "(wind whistling)" "(trumpet plays)" "(thud)" "(all laughing)" "Can we get married now, daddy?" "Oh, I'm afraid not, daughter." "He wasn't worthy of you." "Oh, daddy." "Will he have to go in the ground like all the others?" "(bells chiming)" "(snickering)" "Come on, Herman." "And so Mitzi and Herman went down to the riverbank to see if they could find another prince." "Everyone was fishing that day-- the carpenter and the candle maker and the blacksmith and the window dresser and his friend and the hangman and all his apprentices and the secret policeman and the narcotics salesman and his auntie but not a prince for miles" "until Mitzi's eyes suddenly spotted the slightest flash of gold underneath a weeping willow tree." "And there, sure enough, was a prince." "He was rather thin and spotty with a long nose and bandy legs and nasty, unpolished plywood teeth but, thought Mitzi, "a prince is a prince."" "And she fell in love with him without another thought." "(muffled protesting)" "And after a time... or a few times anyway he, too, fell in love with her." "And very soon, they were on their way to ask king Otto's permission to wed as this prince didn't read the newspapers any more than any of the others did decadent, dim-witted, parasitic little bastards that they were." "Hello, mummy." "What?" "Oh!" "(laughing nervously)" "Hello, darling." "This is my mother, the queen." "And, um, this is, uh..." "This is my new algebra teacher, dr." "Erasmus." "Hello there." "Don't stare, darling." "And who is this?" "This is prince Walter." "Oh." "We were just going to ask daddy's permission to get married." "Ah, well, I want to him about that." "I'll see you about the binomial theorem in the woodshed at 8:00, dr." "Erasmus." "I'll bring the baby oil, queen." "Does daddy like dr." "Erasmus?" "I wouldn't mention him, darling." "He's a bit funny about darker people." "I know nothing of racial prejudice." "Good." "Well, I'll talk to him first." "# are you bambi-bam-bam... #" "Stop that and listen to me." "# are you a... #" "Now!" "Plug my organ in." "Ha!" "That's a joke." "Now, listen to me." "What?" "What is it?" "I've got something important to tell you." "Mitzi's coming in in a moment with another prince... (squealing gibberish)" "Look, will you stop that again?" "Princes." "Well, there soon won't be any left, thanks to you." "Now, just you make sure you make that task nice and easy otherwise, I'll smash your organ." "Can I play at the wedding?" "Yes!" "All right." "All right." "I could play that one about "yum de boo ptang"... (squealing gibberish)" "The king is ready to see you now." "(squealing continues)" "Hello, daddy." "Come in, child." "This is prince Walter." "Ugh!" "Is he in the book?" "Yes, daddy." "Hmm... hello, Walter." "Prince Walter." "Oh!" "So sorry!" "So, you want to marry my daughter do you?" "Perhaps." "Oh, say you do... and wing me such joy as I've never tasted before." "Yeah." "All right." "All right." "First, I must set you a task so you prove yourself worthy of my daughter's hand in marriage." "Why?" "'Cause she's a fucking princess that's why." "You must go tomorrow morning to the highest part of the castle..." "Uh, you must go, um... uh... go down to the shops and get me 20 rothmans." "What?" "Now?" "Tomorrow morning." "(trumpet fanfare)" "And so, early next morning all the happy villagers were gathered to watch prince Walter set off on his quest." "(crowd cheering)" "(cheering and applause)" "Here are your fags." "Thank you, Walter." "Prince Walter." "Well done, prince Walter." "Loyal subjects, faithful followers this is indeed a proud moment for the queen and myself for this is the moment when princess Mitzi marries prince Walter..." "But first, a little number I've written entitled" ""Ya di bucketty rum ting phu-taow"." "all:" "# Ya di bucketty, rum ting phu-taow... # man:" "Halt!" "Halt!" "Halt, I prithee, gentle king." "Who are you?" "What do you want?" "Belt up." "I am prince Charming from the kingdom of the Golden Lakes, good sir king." "Page four in the book... and I crave the hand of your beautiful daughter princess Mitzi." "You're too late." "What?" "I got her, Charming." "Now, buzz off." "Wait a minute." "Mitzi is not betrothed yet." "What?" "He said, if I went and got him 20 rothmans" "I could have her." "Got you 20 rothmans?" "Well, I had to go down the town." "For princess Mitzi?" "Yes." "For this priceless treasure?" "For this most perfect of all god's creatures?" "I think I'm falling in love again." "For this finest and most delicate flower in the whole of this geographical area" "I will face, in mortal combat that most dreaded of all creatures." "all:" "A dragon?" "!" "And I shall slay it single-handed to prove myself worthy of your enchanting daughter, o king." "I accept." "What?" "I accept." "Tomorrow morning, then." "Where's he going to get a dragon from?" "I provide my own." "(growling and snorting)" "(bullfighting music plays)" "(crowd cheering)" "(dragon snarling and growling)" "(gunshot) all:" "Hooray!" "(all applauding)" "(clears throat)" "Loyal subjects... by virtue of prince charming's noble deed" "I now consent to give him princess Mitzi's hand in marriage..." "But first, the "b" side of my latest single." "I'll be revenged on the lot of you." "(organ playing)" "# Ya di bucketty, rum ting phu-taow... #" "Nobody in Happy Valley worried about prince Walter's threats and the joyous day soon arrived for the royal wedding." "all:" "# Ya di bucketty # # rum ting phu-taow # # yi ni ni #" "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join together this man, prince Charming and this woman, princess Mitzi Gaynor in holy matrimony." "If there be anyone who knoweth just cause or impediment... (door creaking) why these two should not be joined together" "(rumbling)" "Yes!" "'Tis I, the wicked witch!" "(cackling)" "(crowd hissing)" "Be quiet, you fools!" "Witch, you commit sacrilege by your very presence here." "I command you, in the name of the good book to leave this holy place forthwith." "Shut up!" "Sorry." "Sorry, witch." "Now, where's the king?" "Where's the king?" "Oh, me!" "I'm... terribly sorry." "I was miles away." "Yes?" "I forbid this marriage to take place." "man:" "You forbid it?" "Who are you?" "!" "I'm the lord chancellor, you impudent old hag." "How dare you speak thus to our...?" "(sizzling flash)" "Aah!" "Now, watch it." "Now, Mitzi marries prince Walter or I curse the lot of you and your aunties." "Mitzi marries prince Charming." "I'm warning you." "Carry on with the ceremony." "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today..." "Very well." "I hereby change every single person in this cathedral into chickens!" "Except me!" "(clucking and screeching)" "Oh, bugger!" "(clucking continues)" "(excited yelling)" "Chickens!" "Yippee!" "Chickens!" "Yahoo!" "Chickens!" "Chickens!" "(bleating)" "Why do they do it?" "What do they get out of it?" "Well, quite frankly, I just... don't know." "Good night." "Come on Eric, let's go and get dinner."