"Perusing our annual expenditure report, Jack," "I hardly think your bar tab at the Drunken PIG qualifies as a business expense." "Well, sure it does." "That's where I go undercover as a drunk." "Oh, hi, Candy." "Look, I'm not too hungry, so I'm just gonna have the steak and the lobster and the chicken." "Why don't you pick out a nice piece of fish for yourself, huh?" "On me." "You truly are a bottomless pit." "We ate not two hours ago." "Oh, come on, Em, it's free." "I must admit, I was rather surprised when the governor asked us to housesit while he's away on holiday." "Yeah, I was touched when he said, "Moi casa est toi casa."" "And I do hope this little intermission from our life of espionage will keep you from whining about a vacation." "No promises." "(CAWING) Hello, bonjour." "Oh, what now, Jean-Claude?" "You seem less than happy to see me, Jacques." "Well, it's nothing personal, but every time I do," "I wind up getting shot at, stabbed or kicked in the nads." "Then I'm afraid this visit is no exception." "Well, can't it wait?" "The governor's away on holiday." "It can't be any more pressing than a lost dog." "Actually, the crown of King George the third has been stolen." "(CAWING)" "The royal crown of the monarchy?" "Tough break, Em." "We'll get to it next week." "Jack, as of this moment, our vacation is over." "Oh, come on." "We're talking about a piece of jewelry." "The crown is a symbol of British sovereignty." "A piece of jewelry." "Well, do you have any leads to report?" "Just one." "We think the thief booked passage to the nearby island of Ibopalooba." "Wait a minute." "Isn't that the island with the big fancy resort?" "Yes, indeed." "It's rumored to be a rather exclusive and very expensive vacation spot." "JEAN-CLAUDE:" "Oui." "And we have reserved you a suite under the names Monsieur and Mrs. Jones." "Your ship leaves in one hour." "Let's go, Jack." "Well, I take it all back, little buddy." "For once, I'm happy to see you." "Oh, can we get those to go?" "Thanks, sugar." "Allow me, Mrs. Jones." "Lovely, this looks quite charming." "Yeah, you know, there's nothing like taking a vacation from your vacation." "Welcome." "Care for a lei?" "Oh, come on, is it that obvious?" "Do try to behave." "I doubt this is the sort of place that will tolerate your perverted antics." "(CRUNCHING)" "Is there anything more delightful than the arrival of new guests?" "Robes off!" "You were saying?" "You are the Joneses, are you not?" "Answer me!" "Right, that's us, the Joneses." "We're the Joneses." "Splendid." "I am the Marquis de Sade." "Welcome to Agony Island." "(SINGING) In 1801, the Revolution had been won" "And Uncle Sam's favorite son" "Had a job he needed done" "Which brought Jack to a lady" "Both beautiful and smart" "Who found his mix intriguing" "A scoundrel with a heart!" "From the Halls of Montezuma" "To the shores of Tripoli" "There was never a leatherneck braver" "A daring dragoon is he!" "He'll halt the bold advance" "Of Napoleon's attack" "There ain't a French or pirate rogue" "Who don't know Jack!" "From the Halls of Montezuma" "To the shores of Tripoli" "Sailin' 'round the bloody world" "To defend democracy" "And when ya need a fightin' man" "To trust or watch your back" "Just ask the bloke right next to ya" "Damn right!" "It's Jack!" "Remind me to pluck that no good parrot." "We hope your stay here on Agony Island will be as memorable as it will be unpleasant." "Before we show you to your suite, permit me to review the rules." "Rules?" "(CRACKING WHIP) Silence!" "No speaking unless spoken to." "That is rule number one." "Rule number two, the leash law." "One of you must wear one at all times." "All our guests are either masters or pets." "Sorry, darling." "I'm going to have to pull rank on this one." "You are gonna owe me one, sister." "You must discipline your pet or you will both suffer horribly in my personal dungeon." "(WHIP CRACKING)" "Any questions?" "Don't you worry about a thing, Sadie." "Emilia here has had plenty of practice making my life miserable." "(JACK LAUGHING)" "Quiet, you filthy animal!" "I must say, I admire the way you pull his chain, Madame." "Hey, look, don't encourage her, pal." "I said shut your mouth you diseased rodent!" "Would you like his mouth wired shut?" "Although I relish that idea, Mr. De Sade," "I don't think that will be necessary." "Splendid." "Masoch!" "Yes, Marquis." "Show Mr. And Mrs. Jones to their suite." "MARQUIS:" "Tout de suite!" "Sorry, pal, I only carry hundreds." "Allow me." "Look, an officer of the law must have stayed here before us." "Oh, yeah, right, and he also left his fishing pole." "(WHIP SWISHING)" "(KNOCKING AT DOOR)" "Remind me to put a "do not disturb" sign on the door." "I ordered an extra bed." "Care for a pillow with that, Em?" "Thank you, Masoch." "Okay, twisted sister, this is getting worse by the second." "Well, we're not going anywhere until we find that crown, Jack, so you might as well make an effort to enjoy yourself." "Oh look, there's plenty of activities for you to try." "Here's one." "Rump branding." "No thanks, sister, my fraternity days are over." "Look, the sooner we start snooping around, the sooner we can blow this dump." "You're forgetting one important thing, Jack." "Oh, thank God my mother isn't here to see this." "I feel like a jerk." "BROGARD:" "I'm not sure that it suits you, Governor." "On the contrary, Brogard." "I think I was born to wear this outfit." "Madame Rothschild." "Monsieur Stiles?" "What a pleasant surprise." "Is it not, Capitaine?" "Mon gouverneur, it is safe to say I wish I were dead at this moment." "What brings you to Agony Island, gentlemen?" "The Marquis de Sade is my second cousin, twice removed." "I can see why you removed him." "And you?" "We're here on a business retreat." "What better way to teach an employee how to behave than a brief stay on Agony Island?" "Delightful." "Whip him once for me, Madame." "Don't you dare." "Oh, well, I'm afraid we have a 3:00." "A bientôt." "(WHISPERING) Why didn't you tell me they would be here?" "I have never been so embarrassed in my life." "Technique is everything." "(YELLING)" "WOMAN:" "Obey your master." "Do it." "Do it properly." "Em, not so hard, I'm starting to chafe." "I am sorry, Emilia, but this is way above and beyond the call of duty." "Yes, well, I like this place as much as you do, Jack, but undercover espionage is our chosen profession so stop whining." "The Marquis de Sade is a known collector of antiquities." "I can't imagine a better centerpiece than the royal crown." "Yeah, I'm sure it's more than just a pleasant coincidence that Croque and Brogard are here." "Agreed." "All right, fine." "So we break into the Marquis' mansion, beat the living crap out of him, swipe the crown and vamoose." "Doesn't your constitution mention something about unlawful search and seizure without probable cause?" "For the love of God, will you stop doing that?" "Anyway, let's not get ahead of ourselves." "We must keep a close eye on the Marquis." "Guten Tag, I am Gunter Raufhausen and this is my pet, Helga." "How do you do?" "Any way you please, Fräulein." "What do you think of my Helga?" "She's a looker, ja?" "Yeah, yeah." "Your Fräulein is a bit of a looker also." "What are you driving at there, Raufhausen?" "How about swinging by our suite later on for a little exchange?" "Tell you what, you throw in a six pack of that German brew of yours, you got yourself a deal." "Now, now, my pet, what did I tell you about talking to strangers?" "Suite 69, if you change your mind." "(BARKING)" "Down, Helga." "(HELGA WHINING)" "Keep moving, pal." "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "Sure." "You think we have time?" "(GROANING IN PAIN)" "Hey, now you're talking, sister." "Bark like a dog." "(BARKING)" "(CLANGING)" "Let's see if we can't start happy hour." "Thank you for your kind invitation, cousin." "We are having a dreadful time." "Excellent." "If there's anything I can do to make your stay more miserable, please don't hesitate to ask." "I trust our little gift was satisfactory?" "Indeed." "The crown will make a splendid addition to my collection." "Imagine the look on King George's face when he receives a letter from the Americans admitting their theft." "Your exquisitely forged letter will re-ignite the British American war." "And no one will be able to stop my brother's advance across Europe." "Sure, to the French empire." "Vive la France!" "Over my leathery butt-crack." "Geez." "We have to find a way to get into the main house." "The Marquis must have the crown in there somewhere." "Well if he does, it's locked up tighter than Fort Knox and twice as guarded." "Much as I'd love to, we can't just kick down the front door." "By the way, can we sleep in shifts?" "Weren't you the one looking forward to getting nailed on this trip?" "This isn't exactly what I had in mind." "You know, you surprise me, Jack, because I thought the idea of leather-clad, whip-wielding hussies would be your idea of heaven." "Oh, ha!" "Yeah." "Oh, phooey." "I'm sleeping on the floor." "(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)" "Jack." "Jack." "Hey, all right." "Don't start without me, baby." "Yeah, work it, work it." "Ow." "Ow." "Well, at least this place lives up to its promises." "Listen to this. "Come one, come all, to the triathlon of pain."" ""The winning team gets invited to a special party at the Marquis' mansion."" "Jack, this is our ticket to the crown." "In the bag, baby." "Why do you think they call me Speedy Stiles?" "Don't answer that." "Now get some rest, Jack." "We've got a race to win." "Don't you worry, pumpkin, we're gonna bring home the gold." "(YELLING)" "Are you all right, Jack?" "Oh, yeah." "Good thing I'm a light sleeper." "Mrs. Jones, what an impressive display of artistry." "So uniform." "Have you studied under any of the great masters?" "Oh, I'm just a natural, but thanks for the compliment." "We would like to sign up for your race." "Fabulous." "Yeah, and we were wondering if you'd like to sign up for ours." "It's called the human race." "Silence, you rabid weasel!" "Wish us luck." "Down, pookie." "(BARKING)" "Say, I thought you guys were already invited to the Marquis' dinner?" "We are curious to see what you are made of, Monsieur Stiles." "Geez, what did I ever do to you?" "Mark." "Set." "Go!" "EMILIA:" "Come on, Jack." "(YELPING)" "What?" "Those cheaters." "Lead, lead." "Heel, pookie, heel." "Get up little doggie." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "Come on, Jack, faster!" "Okay, heel." "All right, up you go, baby." "Now don't drop the egg, you maggots." "Come on!" "Just like our honeymoon." "Here's your egg, Frenchie." "Now beat it." "Oh, Gunter." "Ja?" "Eat dirt, losers." "Helga!" "Move it." "Careful with that." "Oh, oh." "Steady, steady!" "Don't you drop that." "Bottoms up, boys." "Oh, come on, Brogard, don't be such a sissy." "CROQUE:" "Hey, look at me." "Jack, they're getting away." "Come on!" "Pedal for your life, for the greater glory of the empire!" "We're almost there, Jack." "Home straight." "They are gaining." "Hey, knock it off!" "Jack." "What?" "Use that." "Emilia, my dear!" "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "Hey." "Congratulations on a race well run." "A valuable lesson in the American art of cheating!" "You're just jealous we're better cheaters than you." "I believe the Marquis has a surprise in store for us." "He has indeed, Emilia." "Ladies and gentlemen, in this cruel and judgmental world filled with preoccupations over such trifling concepts as "morality" and what is acceptable to the general public, it is a breath of fresh air to be in the company of" "like-minded individuals." "And now, without further ado, may I present the latest addition to my collection." "(ALL GASPING)" "Behold, ladies and gentleman, the crown of England." "You should always protect your family jewels." "Where are you?" "Note to self, when escaping bad guys, avoid the dungeon." "MARQUIS:" "I see you've found my little playroom." "JACK:" "Yeah, I just hate what you've done with the place." "You know, my cousin's told me so much about you, Monsieur Dragoon." "It seems we're not that much different." "Oh, how do you figure, leatherface?" "Well, we're both men who define ourselves by the masks we wear, are we not?" "Well, I'm just trying to avoid prosecution." "Well, you've come to the wrong place." "I must warn you, I have an extremely high tolerance for pain." "Good." "You're gonna need it." "Ooh." "It seems no place on earth is safe from the Dragoon's insolence." "But, Emilia, where is Jacques?" "Well, he was a dirty little doggie, so I tied him to a fire hydrant out front." "That smarts." "How did you get into the pain business, anyway?" "I was married once." "You're very good at dispensing pain." "You want a job?" "No, thanks." "Tickles, doesn't it?" "Left or right?" "How about a right then a left?" "(GROANING)" "I hate to disappoint you, Marquis, but it's been a pleasure." "(LAUGHING)" "You..." "Jacques, Emilia," "I trust our little holiday will remain entre nous?" "Of course, Governor." "Discretion is the number one rule of business etiquette." "Don't sweat it, Croquey." "You and Captain Crunch, there, can relax." "Boy, it sure is a bummer the Dragoon got away with that crown, though." "(GRUNTING)" "It seems that no matter how wide the ocean, how distant the land we are forever destined to be tortured by his insolence." "CROQUE:" "Ah, well." "Well, the crown is on its way back to England as we speak." "Hooray." "You know, Jack, while I don't relish the idea of returning to Agony Island anytime soon, far be it for us to judge those who would." "Well, now, I'm surprised." "You know, for a stiff upper lipper, you're pretty open-minded." "And for a loosey-goosey, seat-of-your-pants, wild-card you're rather puritanical." "But what do you expect?" "I'm a hero to the kiddies." "Yes, and a threat to their parents." "Hey, what is that?" "A little memento from our journey, in case you step out of line." "Now, move!" "Yes, Mistress."