"Well, first of all, Michael and Geoffrey are so cute." "Thank you." "They're very friendly and helpful and all the kids love them." " I love them." " Oh, thank you." "They are very special, and they're so excited about doing their comedy routine at the winter concert." "It's so cute." "You must be very proud." " Oh, yeah." " Winter concert?" "Yeah, Ray." "You know about that." "Yeah, I know about that." "I just can't believe it's winter already." "He's been practicing their routine with them." "He's this totally-involved dad." "Yeah, and if you need any help telling them apart," "I'm your guy." "Well, actually, it's gotten easier." "But there are some differences." "You start seeing it around the eyes." "Sure, that and then there are some other diff..." "Well, let's see." "These are the pre-K assessment forms." "And here are some numbers, and they both know their numbers, but they each got the nine wrong." "They said it was a six." "That's a common error." "But I guess if you showed it to them like this, right?" "I mean, it could have been upside down." "Uh, no, we show it to them like this." " Oh." " Don't worry." " It's a common..." " Common, it's a common error." "And here are some letters and they both know all their letters." "I do that with them every day." "# A-B-C-D... # You know that song." "You okay?" "Something bad is coming." " Am I right?" " No no, not at all." "Let's just, um..." "well, here." "This is a test where the child is asked to cut with scissors on the line." " So here's Geoffrey." " That's pretty good there." "And Michael." "Michael just needs to work on this skill a little." "A little?" "What, did he chew the paper?" "Michael just doesn't know how to hold the scissors properly and he seems a little reluctant to try." "So why do you think that is?" " Is he stupid?" "You should tell us." " Yeah." "No no, not at all." "This kind of thing is just a sign of slight immaturity, that's all." "Michael might be just a little young for his age." "But they're supposed to be identical." "Is that it?" "Is it just the scissor thing?" "Well, let's see." "Here's some shapes..." "where they draw shapes." "So here's Geoffrey and here's Michael." "And let's see..." "Then they were supposed to draw pictures of themselves." "So here's Geoffrey." "Here's Michael." "At first he didn't want to draw, but then I talked him through it." "It just lacks a little detail." "That's a nose?" "What the hell?" "You know, boys are just a little slower to develop than girls." "But Geoffrey's developing on schedule." "Oh boy, my father's gonna love that." "What?" "Shut up." " Excuse me?" " Nothing." "My father thinks that Geoffrey has homosexual tendencies." "Don't worry about what he thinks." "He's still not sure about me." "Well, in my opinion," "Michael's only slightly behind the other children, and I'm sure he'll be fine to move on to kindergarten." "But there's a question?" "Oh, not with me, but the kindergarten teacher Rita will come down and make her own evaluation." "So Michael might have to stay in preschool for one more year?" "It happens sometimes." "It's better if it happens in preschool because there's no shame in repeating at this age." "Sure, right." "But this kindergarten lady Rita, she'll make the call?" " Yes." " Is she tough?" "What do you mean?" "You know..." "You really gotta leave him back?" "I mean, what about that other kid I saw, the one licking the blackboard?" "Ray, it's not a competition." "You know, my biggest concern is splitting up the boys, because they're so close." "Well, I thought of that." "If it comes down to it, they could both stay in pre-K one more term." "Again, they're on the younger side and moving forward at this age isn't crucial." "I don't know." "Maybe that would be best?" " Yeah." " What do you think?" "Is the boardlicker moving up?" "Oh, did you do that yourself?" "They're coming!" "Michael, like this, like this." "Come on, like this." " I can't." " You... don't give up." " How's it goin'?" " Shh." "Yes, you can, Michael." "You can." "There you go." "See?" "Now you're holding it." "That's it." "You're holding it." "Okay, now let's cut." " I don't want to." " Well, sure you do." "This is gonna help you get a good job some day." "Come on, and let me tell you something, all the millionaires know how to cut paper." "Okay, just cut a straight line." "Go ahead, go ahead." "Cut." "No, straight..." "Go straight." "Go straight." "Go straight, Mike!" "Stop, stop." "Slow down." "Stop." "Go straight across." "Okay, no no no no no!" "Okay, hey hey hey." "Maybe this isn't a good idea." " He doesn't..." "No!" " It's okay, Ray." " No!" " It's okay." "I think it's better if he doesn't associate cutting paper with you foaming at the mouth." "Why don't you just help him with his comedy routine?" "Yeah, great great great." "That's a future." "Hey, funny boys!" "Put on these chicken heads and hand out these coupons." "Don't worry, Michael." "We cut 'em out for you already." " Hey." " Hey, Robert." "All right, Mike." "Go upstairs and here, practice cutting." "Take the scissors." "Go." "Run." "No, don't run!" "Don't run!" "Idiot." "This is how Michael cuts paper." "So we hate him now?" "He needs to work on his fine motor skills a little." "They're thinking of keeping him in pre-K one more year." "Really?" "Interesting." " Why is that interesting?" " Oh, nothing." " Do you got any donuts?" " Don't give him any!" " He already had two!" " I still have coffee left!" "You refilled that coffee so you could have more donuts." "So she ate them!" "That's right because two donuts are enough!" " Well, how many did you have?" " Why do you change the subject?" "Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute." "I know what to do." "I know what to do." "Get out!" "What's the matter, dear?" "Michael might get left back in preschool." " What?" " Oh, interesting." "What?" "What's so interesting?" "What, is he stupid?" "Nobody's stupid, Frank." "Michael's a little young for the class." "And besides, girls mature faster than boys." "Oh, so I guess Geoffrey's fine then." "Yeah, all right." "Stop it, Frank." "Raymond's upset." "It's okay, dear." "It's just preschool." "That's what I told him." "And if he has to stay, Geoffrey will stay with him." " Oh, that's good." " No no no!" "Why not, Frank?" "Law of nature, you get left behind, you get eaten." "You're too soft on the kids." "You gotta push 'em, push 'em forward." "Just keep pushing 'em!" "Until when, Frank?" "Until they cry." "That's nature's way of letting you know you've pushed enough." "Here's a man they let have two children." "Raymond, don't worry about the boys." "They're beautiful sweet boys." "They're gonna fly away soon enough." "Yeah, all right, Ma, look," "I want them to move up to kindergarten and be with the other children." "Other children are overrated." "But it won't hurt Michael and Geoffrey to stay little one more year." "You know, that's what I did with you." " What?" " It's funny." "I never told you this, but when you were the twins' age... do you remember a nursery school that used to be on "J" Street with the pretty yellow flowers out front?" "Well, you and I would walk there and back together every morning." "You were so cute holding my hand." "So when it came time for you to go to kindergarten which was across town with the bus," "I decided it would be nice for everybody if you stayed in preschool one more year." "You left me back?" "Left back for love." "That and you were slow." "I remember you couldn't even cut paper." "Hee hee." " Frank!" " Wait." "What?" "What was wrong with me?" "Nothing, sweetie." "You were just a little young too." "So you stayed there one more year, and we got to walk by the yellow flowers some more." "That's why I was always the oldest in my class." "Yellow flowers." " You knew!" " No." "Yes, of course you did." "That's what was so interesting." " Okay, I knew." " Why didn't you tell me?" " I don't know." " You tell your brother this!" " I couldn't." " Why?" " Because." " Because why?" "Because I felt sorry for you." "You... felt sorry for me?" "You felt sorry for me?" "Ray, it was just pre..." "I was just..." "Uh..." "Maybe I should have waited another year to tell him." "Deb?" "Deb?" "Ow!" " Hey!" " What's up?" " What are you doing?" " Am I stupid?" "If this is your new way of asking for sex, then yes." "Come on, don't you see?" "That's what I passed on to Michael." " That's my legacy, the dumbness." " No no." "You've passed on other things." "Your lack of tushy." "Ha ha, yeah, very funny." "You have a stupid kid." "You don't even care." "He is not stupid!" "Then why isn't he the same as Geoffrey?" "Can't even get good twins anymore." "Why don't you think of it this way, okay?" "Michael is the way the twins should be and Geoffrey's exceptional." "Geoffrey's your favorite." " You're kidding now." " Admit it." "You've always liked Geoffrey better and that's why Michael's goofy." "Good night." "Maybe if you were around a little more," "Michael could cut paper." "Aha!" "I knew it was right there under the surface." "Right, so I should go to work and raise the kids, right?" "It should be all me, yeah." "And what do you do all day..." "I'm sorry." " Excuse me?" " I'm sorry." " That's right, you're sorry." " That's right, I'm sorry." "Yeah." "Look, I just..." "I want the kids to be just like everybody else." " They are." " No." "No, they should move up and go to kindergarten and be with their friends and keep up with the boardlickers." "And how about this?" "What if one day Geoffrey finds out that he's the smarter one?" "He'll never let Michael live it down." "He'll gloat." "Just like Robert's gonna do to me now." "He's gonna gloat." "He's gonna gloat all over me." "Ray, it's preschool, and if they have to stay behind, it'll be because that's what's best for them, right?" "Isn't the most important thing that they're healthy and happy?" "You don't care about either one of them, do you?" "All right, good news." "I went down to that school and had a little visit with the kindergarten broad." " What?" " That's right." "I schmoozed her." "Hey, she's a human being... and a woman." " Oh no." " And being a woman, she's a sucker for the old look-how-many-photos-of-the-children" "Grandpa-has- in-his-wallet bit." ""Oh, look!" "They're so adorable!" "And what a charming grandpa." "And what a distinguished-looking forehead!"" " She said that?" " I paraphrase." "Anyway, the real reason for the bit is to accidentally allow a peak of the wallet being extra full." "Oh God." "She didn't give me a definite answer about Mikey, but I saw her eyes light up." "You know, those teachers don't make squat." "I always told you we should have a trapdoor right there." "What, now you're mad?" "I don't get you two!" "I'm thinking of the kid." "You know, we thought that leaving little Raymond back didn't hurt him any, but who the crap knows?" "You could have been a year ahead in your life right now." "That car you're saving up for?" "You could be driving that today." "You could have bought the house a year sooner, met Debra a year sooner, had the kids a year sooner... which if you did, by the way, would put Michael right on track and we wouldn't have to have this conversation!" "All right, just hold it, Frank." "Do you wanna help the kids?" "Why don't you start by setting a decent moral example?" "None of this matters!" "Do you understand?" "They're four." "We just want them to be healthy and happy!" "Good luck on that one." "That's where you get it from." "That's great." "I'm gonna be stupid and bald." "Hey, chuckleheads!" "Let's go!" "Make the beds." "Come on." "Isn't today the big winter concert gig?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "You're excited, right?" "So let's move like little excited people." " Ray?" " What?" "Come here." "I got the call from the principal." " What, about them?" " Yeah." "They think that Michael should stay in preschool another year." "Oh." " So then Geoffrey too?" " Mmm." "Yeah." "So then, that's okay, right?" "I mean, that's what we said." "Happy and healthy." " We still want that?" " Yeah." " Mm." " Yeah." " You okay?" " Yeah." "I just thought you'd be upset." "No, I'm, you know, I'm... good." " Good." " Yeah." " They'll be fine." " Yeah." " They'll be together." " Yeah." "No, it's good." "It's good." "Okay." "All right, you guys, come on." "You're the big comedy stars today." " Look, Dad, I made my bed." " Yeah, Geoffrey." "You did a good job!" "Mikey, you're doing it there." "Good." "Hey, Mike." "Come here." " You like your school?" " Yeah." "Yeah." " You like Sarah your teacher?" " Yeah." "Yeah, me too." "How would you like to stay in her class next year?" " Okay." " Yeah?" "Good, okay." "I'll tell you what." "If you want to, you can, okay?" " Okay." " Good." "Good." "Do I have to cut paper now?" "No." "No." "No." " Unless you want to?" " No." " Look, I have pants like Daddy." " Hmm." "Yeah, how about that?" "Just like Daddy." "Come here." "# Jingle bells, jingle bells #" "# Jingle all the way #" "# Oh, what fun it is to ride #" "# In a one-horse open sleigh. #" "Thanks, everybody." "And now for a very special treat, the comedy team of Michael and Geoffrey Barone!" "Hello, Michael." "I just flew in from Cleveland." "And your arms are very tired." "You know, I've been swimming since I was three." "And your arms are very tired." "If you're American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?" ""Yer a'peein'."" "That one was mine." " Hey." " Hey, what's up?" "Well, you know, I got that garden growing on my terrace over my apartment and I thought I'd bring you guys some plants." "Really?" "All right, good." "Yeah, I know how much you love these." "Enjoy."