"Good morning, Helen, my dear!" " Morning, Siegfried." "A splendid morning it is, too." "Good morning, everybody!" "We shan't keep you long." "Morning, Mr Mulligan." "Ah." "Hmm." "Full house, I see." "Where's the rest of our staff?" "James is at Mrs Pumphrey's." "Tricki Woo's gone crackerdog again." "Extraordinary dog, that." "His mistress spoils him almost to death." "Well, somehow he stays alive." "Well, that's exactly what I mean, Helen." "Er..." "Well, then." "Where's Tristan?" "I don't think he's surfaced yet." "You make him sound like seaweed." "Look at this." "The Lawsons paid up at last?" "Wonders will never cease." "What do you mean, he hasn't surfaced yet?" "We've a room full of customers." " He was out late with the bell-ringers." "Oh, not again!" " He's still sleeping it off." "Right!" "Good morning, little brother!" "And a glorious morning it is!" "The sun's shining." "The birds are singing." " Tell them to shut up!" "What are you trying to do, kill me?" "You're making quite a successful job yourself." "Come on, breakfast's on the table." "Nice pair of kippers." "I don't want any breakfast." " You must eat breakfast!" "An army marches on its stomach and you'll be marching a lot today." "What do you mean?" " The waiting room's full, there's Mr Sowerby's sow to be injected, you know, the bad tempered one with all the teeth." "After that there's a carthorse to be stitched." "You're the horse man." " l'm going to see Mother." "You saw Mother yesterday." "She wasn't in." " What?" "!" "She never goes out!" "is she all right?" "That's what I'm going to find out!" "Will you move?" "Let me rest in peace!" "round the many public houses you've haunted during your lifetime, with a dedication that makes publicans rejoice and start planning foreign holidays." "I think someone slipped me a mickey finn." "When you drink ten pints of best Yorkshire bitter, my boy, no mickey finn is necessary." "Now, get up before I set the dogs on you!" "Oh, shut up." "What's going on?" "Darrowby bell-ringers have struck again." "Oh, I see." "I wouldn't treat a mad dog the way he treats his liver." "Hello?" "Hello." " Hello." "How did it go?" " Oh, fine." "I certainly made somebody's day." "Whose?" " Old Hodgekin," "Mrs Pumphrey's gardener." "I said that in all probability Tricki Woo's on his way out." "Oh, is he?" " Good Lord, no." "Well, unless he eats himself to death." "Ah, James. lf you could manage to look in on Harry Sumner, I'd be awfully grateful." "Oh, yes?" " He's got a new young bull calf he wants us to look at." " Right." "And could you call in on the Bonds?" "The Bonds?" " Yes." "There you are, I've written the address down." "Thank you." "You can't miss it, big house in the middle of an abbey." "Something wrong with a cat, she works for cats." "Pardon?" " Like working for the Red Cross the first thing she'll say to you is, "l work for cats."" "Potty about them, takes in strays." "Place is crawling with them." " l see." "Something I shall never understand." "What's that?" "The way people insist on filling their houses with domestic pets, it's absolutely loony!" "Come on, dogs!" "Come on, you lot!" "Come on, boys!" "Not a pretty sight." "Come on, come on!" "Ooh, the ghost of Christmas past." "Well past, by the look of it." "I shall never touch beer again." "No, not until opening time." "No, I'm going to sign the pledge." "I'll attend rallies advocating abstemiousness, I'll lecture on the evils of drink." "Would some coffee help?" " Ooh, black, please." "Right." "At one stage someone suggested breaking into the church and doing a grandsire triple." "Then they called last orders so we had whisky doubles." "I have this vague recollection of the mad conductor going over well." "Would you like to get started on that lot?" "I suppose so." " Thank you." "Right!" "Who's first?" "Oh, no." " Pardon, sir?" "Morning, Mr Mulligan." "I said good morning!" "It is, sir, it is indeed but at least spring is early." "Been womiting again?" " What was that?" "WOMlTlNG?" " indeed he has not, sir, that is the worrying part." "To tell you the plain truth, he hasn't been womiting in weeks." "You brought him in because he isn't womiting?" "It's his foot." "I found him halfway down a dustbin last weekend." "When I pulled him out he cut his foot, so I bandaged it up, on account of me being a member of St John's Ambulance, and I think it's gone bad, sir." "How do you mean, "bad"?" "If you'll smell it, you'll see what I mean, sir." "It smells something shocking." "I think he's got the gangrene." "Really?" "He thinks the foot's gangrenous." " Yes, I heard him." "Well, what do you think?" "Well, I should do what he says and have a look." "Er..." "Would you like to look?" "Getting squeamish in your old age?" " No, no." "Just I don't really feel up to gangrene this morning." "Sorry, I really am up to my eyes." "Does pong a bit." "Enough to turn anybody's stomach." "Oh, what a stink." "No good." "You'll have to excuse me, Mr Mulligan!" "All right, Mr Mulligan." "Let's have a look at him." "Good dog, Clancy." "Up you come." "Good dog." "Come on." "Thank you, Mr Mulligan." "Down again." "That's it." "Ah, there we are." "Has it got the gangrene in it?" "Good Lord, no, it's healing nicely." "But what's that shocking smell?" "It's a sort of doggy equivalent of sweaty feet." "Pardon?" " SWEATY FEET!" "Coffee!" "Hello." "What happened to you, then?" "Hmm?" "Yes." "Bates!" "Bates!" "Bates!" "Time for tea, Bates!" "Pussy, pussy, pussy." "Mrs Bond?" "Yes?" "James Herriot." "Siegfried Farnon asked me to call." "Oh. I see." "Come in." "Thank you." "Thank you." "I work for cats." "That's a very worthy cause." "They're a much maligned species." "Do you think so?" "They do seem fair game for every kind of cruelty and neglect." "I prefer cats to people, myself." "Oh, yes?" "This is my husband Alfred." "Pleased to meet you, Mr Bond." "That's Prunella." "She was my first cat." "Oh." "Very nice." "One does wonder who she was." "And who she is now." "Pardon?" "Do you believe in reincarnation, Mr Herriot?" "It's not something I know much about, Mrs Bond." "Alfred doesn't." "Which one of these cats is it?" "It's none of these." "These are the inside cats." "It's one of the outside cats." "Outside cats?" " They won't come in except for food, they're virtually wild." "It's one of the outside cats that's sick?" "Boris." " Pardon?" "That's his name." "I'm afraid he's a bit of a bully, the wildest of them all." "He wouldn't by any chance have a torn ear, would he?" "Yes, actually." " l think we've already met." "He got it in a fight with an Alsatian." "Really?" "I'd watch that one if I were you." "The Alsatian lost." "Yes." "Borry-Borry-Borry-Borry-Boris!" "Boris, where are you?" "He's probably in the woodshed." " Yes." "Boris!" "Boris?" "!" "Oh, Boris, come along." "Oh, yes, there he is." "Ah." "Boris?" "Come on, Boris." "Puss, puss, puss, puss, puss." "My theory is he was a gladiator, in a previous existence." "Really?" "You enjoyed that." " Oh, you big softy." "Look." "You got the blighter in the end?" "Afraid not, Siegfried, no." "He took off into the woods." "Oh, we'll just have to catch up with him later in the week." "Yes, well. "Sufficient evil unto the...day," and all that." "Yes, James." "There we are." "That is good as new." "How much is it?" " Rabbits are free." "And rabbit-bringers qualify for as many of these as they can have." "Got any pockets?" " No." "You'll just have to take one then." "Siegfried." "There." " Oh." "Thank you." "Off you go, then." " Come on, Molly. I'll see you out." "Careful." "Bye!" "That the lot then, James?" "Looks like it, yes." " Good, cos l wanted a word while Tristan's out." " Oh?" "I want you both..." "out of that room within a fortnight." "What?" " l've noticed the telltale signs." "Telltale signs?" " Of tension between you two." "What are you talking about?" " lt takes a detached observer." "They're only tiny things at the moment - a flash of irritation, a hurt look." "But these things will grow, you know." "From little acorns... I'm far too fond of both of you to let it happen." "Well, the question is, why has it happened?" "I wasn't aware that it was, or is, but I'm sure you'll tell us." "You're simply too close, living in each other's pockets in that tiny room." "So you want us to find alternative accommodation?" "We could always live with Dad." "Bad idea, living with in-laws, and he doesn't have a telephone." "What alternative do we have?" "Come with me." "What do you think?" "It's not the Savoy but much more room than what you've got now." "It's dusty but it can be swept!" "Dirty but it can be painted." "Try this." "Not quite a "Charmed magic casement opening on the foam" ""Of perilous seas in fair lands forlorn."" "But a passable view of the Dales." "And, er...in here... are your own kitchen and dining room." "Well?" "Well?" "Oh!" " Well?" "Helen?" "I think it's... lovely, Siegfried, thank you!" "Your faces!" "Didn't really think I'd put you out on the street, did you?" "Well, you did have us going." "All done with a purpose, though." "Think what it will do to your thickening waistline, all those extra stairs." "Well, I'll leave you children." "Let me know when you want to move your furniture and I'll make sure my little brother is available." "Oh!" "It's perfect, James." "Yes." "Mmm." "I love you." "Telltale signs indeed!" " Still..." "Siegfried does have a point." "What?" " The extra room will come in welcome." "Well, we'll need wallpaper." "Paint." " Ooh, can we afford it?" "Yes, I'll beard the bank manager." "Do you think there will be a war, James?" "Well..." "Germany walking into Austria." "So..." "Still, if there is, there is." "Not much the little people can do to stop it." "Well, I'd better get a brush." "Make a start." "What are you up to, Tris?" "Fighting fire with fire." " What?" "My brother's like the moon, has these phases." "Oh, yes?" " He's in one of them now." "Spends the entire day bursting into rooms hoping to catch me swinging the lead." "I can't resist the challenge." " How's that going to help?" "This is my Siegfried line." "Hello, Helen." " Hello, Siegfried." "Where is everybody?" " James is at Harry Sumner's." "Oh, yes, he would be." "Where's Tristan?" "In the living room, I think." "Looking for me, Siegfried?" "Erm..." "Do you know where Helen is?" " ln the surgery, I think." "I see." "Good man." "Helen!" "Oh, he's a real beauty, Harry." "Ought to be, Mr Herriot, went up to Scotland to get him." "He cost me a hundred quid, every last penny I had." "Strewth, that's a lot of money for a calf." "I need him to improve the quality of me Ayrshires and I've not the money for a big 'un." "He's in first-class shape." "You've got yourself a bargain." "Prizewinners on both sides of his family and a fancy name to go with it." "Oh, yes?" " That's Newton Montmorency Vl." "Aye, well, Little Monty for short, eh?" " Hmm." "Hello." " ls Mr Herriot in?" "No, he's not." "Could one of the other vets help?" "It was Mr Herriot I wanted to see." "I'm not quite sure how long he's likely to be." "I'll wait. I've nothing spoiling." "Right." "Did it work?" "But of course." "I missed my way, you know." "I have this flair for strategy and manoeuvre." "I should have been a general." "The way things are going, you may get the chance." "There won't be a war." "Everyone has too much to lose." "It would serve old Adolf right, though." "I'd soon bloody his nose." "Helen!" " No." "She's in there." " Oh, thanks." "James, there's a customer for you in the waiting room." "Oh." " Wouldn't see anybody else." "Could you put a couple of those in there for me?" "Thanks." "It's Mr Dean, isn't it?" " Mr Herriot!" "Ah, this must be..." " Bob." "Bob, that's it." "Hello, Bob!" "What's the matter with him?" " Nothing with him." "Oh?" "I were a pit man for years, Mr Herriot." "Coalface." "It's the dust that gets you." "That dust is a real killer." "So you haven't been very well?" "Nowt wrong two new lungs and a fresh ticker wouldn't put right." "Oh, I'm not grumbling." "I've had a good knock." "It'll be right grand to see t'auld lass again." "It were this one I were worried about." "I've no one else left, do you see?" "I just want to make sure he goes to a good home." "Somebody who's'll take care of him." "You're being a bit pessimistic, aren't you, Mr Dean?" "You were the only one I could think of." "Don't you worry about it, Mr Dean." "Thanks." "Come on." "Oh, did, er..." "Did you ever smoke that cigar I once gave you, Mr Herriot?" "It was the best smoke I ever had." "Aye." "Erm..." "I have got something to show you." "Oh." " Come with me." "Oh, look at that!" "Payment for stitching up Fred's dog in the wallpaper shop." "Do you like it?" " Mm." "It's lovely." "How's your wallpapering?" "Oh, not good." "Well, it's nonexistent." "Yours?" "Excellent." " Thank goodness for that." "Do you think there'll be enough?" " Oh, tons." "This is Mr Farnon's residence." "They're all having their dinners just now." "Can I take a message?" "Aye." "A cat?" "Right, I'll tell him." "That were Mrs Bond on t'phone." "Oh, yes?" " Summat about a cat that still needs its ear stitching." "Oh, yes." "Well..." "Thank you, Mrs Hall." "James, I thought you dealt with that." "Well, I just haven't got round to it." "Not intimidated by a mere cat?" " Of course not!" "What an idea." "The main thing with creatures like that is to make it quite clear who is boss." "You make absolutely certain who wins the first round then you never have any trouble again." "You've met Boris, have you?" " No, but I can't see what difference that makes." "He's not so much a large cat as a small puma." "James!" "Size has nothing to do with it!" "It's simply a matter of imposing one's will." "Perhaps you should show us how it's done." "I wouldn't insult James by volunteering." "I wouldn't be insulted." "And I do have a lot on today." "And you don't have much on." " And it is a mere cat." "15 minutes of a job." " Fine." "I'll go immediately after lunch." " Right." "It's a mere cat, for heaven's sake, a domestic pet!" "You'll need these." " Oh, I hardly think so!" "Suit yourself but you saw what happened to Mr Herriot." "Mr Herriot's an enormously good man, Mrs Bond, but as you and I know, cats are a law unto themselves." "And experience does count." "Where is the animal at the moment?" " This way." "Wonderfully early...spring, Mr Bond." "There's snow on the way." "Quite possibly." "Thank you." "Yes, there he is." "Ah, yes." "Would you like to try calling him down, Mrs Bond?" "Won't do any good." "He's a law unto himself is Boris." "Got a pair of steps handy, Mrs Bond?" "Oh." "." "Oh, what have you got for dinner, Mrs Bond?" "." "Geese in the larder and ducks on the pond ." "Puss-puss-puss-puss-puss." "Come on, puss." "Come on, Boris." "Come on down, you damn fool cat." "Puss-puss-puss-puss-puss-puss!" "Here we are." " Ah, that's the very thing, Mrs Bond." "That'll do it." "I tell you what, Mrs Bond, I think we might try those gauntlets after all." "Just in case." "Now, we'll..." "soon have him out of there." "Puss-puss-puss-puss!" "Puss-puss-puss." "Puss-puss-puss." "Come on, Boris." "Blast me!" "Ah, you're back, then." " Yes." "How did it go?" " All right." "No problems?" " No." "Perfectly straightforward." "That's a nasty little scratch." "Scratch?" " On your face." "Nasty little scratch." "Well, what about it?" " Nothing at all, really." "Just happened to notice that you had a nasty little scratch." "Extraordinary fuss to make about a nasty little scratch!" "I'm just gonna slip over and have a word with the quack next door if anybody wants me." "Couldn't be for a tetanus jab, could it?" "Careful, careful." " Ooh, sorry." "is that it, then?" " Still needs a few trimmings but..." "Well, what do you think, James?" "Oh, it's beautiful." " A woman's touch, you see." "Beginning to think I made a mistake." "I should've used my charm to make her fall in love with me." "Oh, but Tristan, I did." "You just never noticed." "Oh." "Yes, well, I am rather in demand, you see." "What about a carpet?" "Not much chance of that at the moment, Tris." "Still, it's a great improvement." "Mr Herriot!" " Yes, Mrs Hall?" "Telephone call for you!" "Coming!" "Does Siegfried know you haven't got a carpet?" "I don't know." "Mr Sumner." " Oh." "Thanks, Mrs Hall." "Thank you." "Yes, Harry." "Little Monty?" "What's the matter with him?" "Oh, I see." "All right, I'll come up straightaway." "Mm-hm." "Bye." "Hello, James." "How's that room of yours coming along?" "Oh, it's sort of materialising into a home." "Before our very eyes." "Problems, James?" " Harry Sumner's new bull calf, the one he paid all that money for." "He says he thinks it's got pneumonia." "Oh, Lord." " l'll see you later." "Well, you..." "Hmm, it's 105." "Pneumonia, then." " lt certainly looks like it, Harry." "That's funny." " What do you mean?" "Can't be pneumonia, these lungs are as clear as a couple of bells." "There's not a thing." "Not a squeak, not a rale and no sign of consolidation." "What do you reckon then, Mr Herriot?" "Well, he's sick, Harry, no question about that." "So...treat the symptoms." "For a start..." "I'll try and get some of that temperature down." "What's that you're giving him?" " Antiserum." "I'll shoot this little lot into him... then give him some sweet spirit of nitre, see what that does." "Come on, hold tight." "There we are, Harry." "All right?" "Leave him for a couple of days." "If there's still no improvement we'll try something else." "Right, Mr Herriot." "I hope you can do something." "I had to borrow most of that money from the bank to buy him." "Don't worry, Harry, we'll sort something out." "Aye." "Aye, aye, I'm sure you will, Mr Herriot." "You always have." "James, how did it go?" "I gave him an injection..." " Shh!" "I gave him an injection." " Well done, James." "James, what time do you make it?" "It's..." "Three o'clock, a time of day when most of the male population of this country is hard at its honest toil." "I should say so." " Will you do me a small favour?" "When I go out of here I want you to count to ten." "No, fifteen." "Then rush along the corridor and burst noisily into the sitting room." "OK." " Fifteen, starting now." "Yes, well, I'll..." " You are lazy, you are idle, you are feckless, you are hopeless, you are spineless, you are useless..." "Siegfried, I..." "Siegfried..." "Shut up!" " What are you grinning at?" "I think the Siegfried line just fell." "Penny for them, James." " Hm?" "I was thinking about Harry's calf." "He'll be in real financial trouble if we lose it." "Chance that we might lose it?" "Well, neither of the things I've given it have worked." "Like me to have a look, James?" "I'd like one more look first." "Getting independent, James." "Good." "No, I just don't like being beaten by a thing, that's all." "Evening." " Hello, old boy." "Drinkies?" "No!" "I thought you'd embarked on a life of total abstinence after your last abominable bacchanal." "If you must resume your career of profligacy, I'd be obliged if you'd do it at your own expense." "Just like that?" " What's that supposed to mean?" "You realise how much a pint costs these days?" "We're in the grip of inflation!" "A loaf of bread is fourpence, a pound of butter is one and fourpence three farthings!" "Sevenpence for a quart of tea." "Sometimes I wonder where it's all going to end." "I trust you're not asking for more money." "Good Lord, no, I'm only grateful you allow me to live here." "I'll get it." "Siegfried, I want you to know that I consider it a signal honour to be allowed to work for you." "Oh, well, it's...it's a great pleasure to have you working here." "On the odd occasions when you do work." "Yes, I've got a job for you." " Oh, yes?" "Mrs Bond telephoned." "The abominable Boris has a paralysis of the third eyelid." "Probably a touch of flu but he'll need a vitamin injection." "Oh, yes?" " You'll find it an interesting experience." "It's Little Monty again." "Harry says he's staggering about as if he was going blind." "Would you tell Helen that I have to go out again?" "Yes, of course. I wonder..." " Thanks." "Third eyelid?" " What?" "What is it you're looking for?" "Lead paint." "Well, that may have caused it." "You'll not find any cos l'll not let any near the place." "He can't have got it anywhere else cos he's not been out yet." "Oh, I see." "Well, he's not blind as such, Harry." "Look, I'll show you." "See how he blinks when I do that?" "Then what the hell is the matter wi' him?" "I'd better get back to Skeldale, do a bit of reading." "I'll call again first thing tomorrow." "All right?" "Right, Mr Herriot." "James... lt's two o'clock in the morning!" "There must be something that'll give me a clue." "Would some cocoa help?" " No, you go back to bed." "You'll only wake me again when you come up." "Well, coffee then, please." " Right." "That's it." "Helen, that's it!" "Shhh!" "You'll waken the whole house!" "Peculiar, stilted gait - yes." "Staring eyes gazing upwards - yes." "Occasional respiratory symptoms with high temperature - yes." "I know what's wrong with him." "Hmm." "Do you still want this coffee?" " No, thanks, no." "Scardale 319, please." "Hello, Harry?" "Hello, it's James Herriot." "Er, yes, yes, I know it is but listen." "I know what's wrong with Little Monty." "Do he and the other calves lick one another?" "Yes, I thought so." "And have you got any liquid paraffin?" "Good." "Well, give him half a pint tonight, half a pint tomorrow and I'll call in as soon after that as I can." "Yes." "Bye." "He's got a hairball in him." " A hairball?" "Mm, in the abomasum, the fourth stomach." "That's what's set up these symptoms, he just can't get rid of it." "Will the paraffin do the trick?" "Well, it might grease it through but it's unlikely." "Worth a try." "And if it doesn't?" " Well, I'll..." "Well, I'll have to operate." "Pity the poor veterinary, eh?" "When a GP has a case that needs surgery he pops him off to the hospital." "We have to do it all by ourselves." "Can we go to bed now, please?" " Sorry, love." "You must be mad marrying a vet." " Don't I know!" "There's just one problem though, it's not an operation I've performed before." "is he out?" " Looks like it." "Right, let's get started then, shall we?" "Quickly, keep him upright and put that bale back into place!" "Yes, thanks." "Oh, yes." "There's something there, all right." "If I can just get past these..." "There you are, Harry." "That's what caused the blockage." "By 'eck." "By 'eck." "Right." "Let's get the poor beggar sewn up again." "Thanks." "By 'eck, it were a tricky 'un, were that, Veterinary." "Yes." "I'll bet you felt a bit queer first time you did one of them." "You know, I did a bit, Harry." "Now, you look after him, Nick, till Mr Herriot arrives." "Good lad." "Now then..." "Ah, James." "Erm..." "Someone to see you." "Oh." "Thanks." "Hello." "It were Mr Dean's." "He said you'd know what to do with him." "It were the last thing he said." "When's the funeral?" " Tomorrow." "All right, thanks." "You can leave him with me." "Goodbye." "Bye." "Decent sort of a dog, that, James." "Good dog, Bob." "Go on, Bob." "Who's a good fella?" "Distressing, funerals, aren't they?" " Yes." "Cold." "Yes." "Well, there's something to warm the cockles." "Familiar writing." "Oh." "What are you going to do with that dog, James?" "I thought I'd hold on to him for now." "By the way, James, I want to regularise the office work." "Regularise?" "Your wife does it most admirably, I propose to pay her." "£3 a week, if that's acceptable." "Oh!" " Backdated, of course, to a couple of months ago when she somehow seemed to take it over." "I'll have to put it to Helen..." "Helen's agreed." " Oh." "My motives are selfish - l don't want to be accused of being a slave-driving skinflint." "I don't think you're a skinflint." "Aren't you going to open it?" "Yes." ""To Uncle Herriot with love from Tricki Woo." ""Thank you for curing me of crackerdog."" "I trust Uncle Herriot's got the gumption to telephone and say thank you." "Have a cigar." " Oh, James!" "Well, as you know, I don't really smoke but, er..." "Thank you very much." "Come on!" "Come on!" "Good dog!" "This side of the gate." "That's it." "Oh!" "Oh!" "He's a stick dog." "Come on, come on." "Come on, stick dog!" "Come on, sticky!" "Come on!" "Come here!" "Hello." "Where did the carpet come from?" "Flat-warming present, from Siegfried." "Of course." "Well, it's marvellous." "The whole place looks marvellous." "Mmm." "You are a magician." " Oh, no, no, no." "Just Mrs Herriot." "Mrs Bond, I presume?" "Yes?" " Tristan Farnon." "I've come to give Boris his injection." " Oh..." "I see." "Somewhere in the garden, is he?" "No. I enticed him inside with some of his favourite meat." "Come through." "Thank you." "This is my husband Alfred." " Mr Bond." "You'll be needing these." " Ah." "Where is the cat, Mrs Bond?" "In the basket." "Well, I'll..." "leave you to it." " Right." "Nice pussy." "Nice pussy." "Why don't you try taking him by surprise?" "Oh!" "Ow!" "Maybe you could just shoo him this way, James." "Shoo!" "Shoo!" "God!" "Sorry." "Yes, well, could've been worse, I suppose." "Only a dozen or so cups broken, odd plate or two." "We'll pay for the damage, of course." "And I'll thank you, Mr Herriot, not to bring that young man here again!"