"Hey, Shane." "All right?" "Yeah." "Got a busy day today." "Got my TV show." "It'll be broadcast live in front of the whole uni." "Yeah, well I hope you don't make a complete idiot of yourself in front of everyone." "Are you annoyed with me?" "What gave you that impression?" "Is this about the election?" "The election?" "Why would I be annoyed about the election?" "You jacked in our chance of winning and picking up countless chicks." "That's not annoying(!" ") Come on mate, you know I had to do it." "Hey, listen, my tutor used a contact, managed to wangle a guest appearance from the Pussycat Dolls." "The only problem is, is their agent was supposed to call three days ago." "Oh, really?" "Shane... why have you got that guilty look on your face?" "I think I may have taken a message." "What?" "Yeah, I'm sure I wrote them down though." "Somewhere." "Them?" "Ah!" ""Pussycats' agent called - please call back. "" ""Pussycats' agent - call back urgently. "" ""Pussycats' appearance cancelled - never call again. " Shane!" "How could you not show me these messages?" "Yeah, but I didn't realise they were about the Pussycat Dolls." "I just thought they were about actual pussycats." "Well, this is great(!" ")" "Now I've got a show to do without a special guest." "Look." "Maybe I can help you out." "How?" "Put Tony in your show." "Who's Tony?" "You know, my mate Tony?" "He's hilarious." "He calls himself the One-Stop Entertainment Shop." "Trust me man, you will not be disappointed." "Who else are you gonna get in?" "Well, I've asked Fred to do some music." "And Scarlet's gonna do a politics interview." "Oh, that sounds like a really good laugh(!" ")" "Do you think we'll be able to handle that much entertainment, Danny?" "Not to mention your old mate, whose election victory you threw down the drain." "All right, fine." "He can do a very, very short set." "Brilliant!" "Tony is gonna go nuts when I tell him." "Where's my phone?" "What's this?" "It's this picture message going around at the moment." "Apparently it's some mystery girl on campus." "Everyone's talking about it, but trust me, when I find out who this is, I'm gon' make her mine!" "My name is Danny Gordon and welcome to..." "Hi We-endy." "So, what do you wanna do for dinner tonight?" "Huh?" "That's what couples do, isn't it?" "Have dinner together." "Couples?" "Yeah." "Tell you what" " I'll cook us something nice." "We'll have dinner in, just the two of us." "# Depression, suffering and death... #" "All right, time's up." "Oh, but Fred..." "What did I say about complaining?" "Off you go." "Send in the next two." "Hey, Fred." "I was just checking that you're still OK to do the TV show today?" "Yeah, all right." "No paparazzi though." "Oh..." "Sure." "Thanks, man." "Oh, hey, Scarlet, I was gonna ask..." "Oh, are you OK?" "Have you been crying?" "Don't worry about it." "I might be able to help you." "Look, it's just I did something really stupid." "What was it?" "I was on a night out with the girls, and we were having a bit of a wild one." "We were all taking photos and I kind of flashed my bra to the camera." "It was just a silly moment, but my friend uploaded the pictures by mistake." "Now they're on the internet and the student network." "That was you?" "What?" "You know about it as well?" "Yeah." "Shane had a photo on his phone that he called the mystery bra girl." "Mystery bra girl?" "But don't worry, no one will know it's you." "Your face isn't in the shot, it's just your..." "Oh my God!" "This is gonna be so humiliating." "I'm so stupid." "No, you're not stupid at all." "Look, it might seem like a massive deal now, but it will blow over." "Things like this always do." "Thanks, Danny." "You know, it's kind of good having you around." "Do you fancy going on a date?" "You know... during the holidays." "Yeah." "Yeah, I'd like that." "Er... do me one favour?" "Sure." "Don't tell Shane." "You know what he's like - if he finds out, then he just won't shut up about it." "Absolutely." "And especially don't tell him about me being mystery bra girl." "Don't worry." "Your dirty secret's safe with me." "Oh, my God!" "Where did you spring from?" "Scarlet's the mystery bra girl!" "You weren't meant to hear that." "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!" "Shane, calm down." "Look, this is a secret." "OK?" "Promise me you will never mention this to anyone." "But this is huge, man!" "This is the biggest news I've ever heard." "You're gonna have to keep it to yourself!" "It's top secret." "And not that sort of secret where you tell other people and tell them to keep it a secret - do you understand?" "Yeah, all right." "So Danny, have you heard about this mystery bra girl?" "Um..." "Yeah, I think I've heard something or other." "What about you, Shane?" "What?" "Mystery bra girl?" "What's that?" "I don't even know what that is." "What do those words even mean?" "So, Fred, what are you gonna do in the holidays?" "Kate Moss has asked me to crash at her pad for a while." "So I'm gonna hang around with her and her model friends for a bit." "Shane, what about you, have you got any plans?" "Yeah, yeah, totally." "Me and my dad are just gonna spend the Christmas, just the two of us, in the farmhouse in the Cotswolds." "We're just gonna, like, wear woolly jumpers and kill ducks and pheasants and stuff." "That sounds nice." "Yeah, yeah." "It'll be wicked." "My dad's such a laugh." "BANGING ON DOOR Open up, police." "(What?" ")" "Oh no!" "Just... tell them I'm not here, all right?" "Hello?" "Open the door before we break it down." "RAAAARRRGH!" "Sorry, mate!" "I could not resist it." "That was brilliant." "You should have seen your face!" "Tony, is that you, you maniac?" "Shane-e-ey!" "BOTH:" "Aaaah!" "Aah!" "Aaah!" "This is Danny." "He's the guy doing the show." "Is Danny the guy with the sho..." "Sho-buh, sho-sho-buh..." "TONY BEATBOXES" "Da-Danny is the guy with the sho..." "HE MIMICS SCRATCHING RECORD.. ow!" "Didn't I tell you he was talented?" "He just makes stuff up." "Yeah, that was really... impressive." "You ain't seen nothing yet." "Do your Richard Hunt impression." "Richard Hunt." "Richard Hunt!" "Hello, I'm Richard Hunt." "Look at me beard." "Oh, where's me beard?" "Who's..." "Who's Richard Hunt?" "He's the guy that works in the bar at the union." "He sounds just like that." "Do you do anyone famous?" "No." "Here y'are - what's the matter with this guy?" "He looks like he's been slapped in the face with a wet dishcloth!" "This is Fred." "What, like Freddie the Frog?" "Ribbet!" "Cheer up, mate." "You're like a gargoyle!" "No, no, no, Fred never laughs." "Well, that's 'cos he's never met Tony Stantoni." "Frederick..." "Eh?" "HE BABBLES" "Moose, moose, moose, moose, aboot this hoose..." "Hi-yah, hubba-lubba hubba-lubba habby-habby hibby-hobby heezy hoo-hah hoov..." "There!" "Knew I'd crack him up in the end." "Right, you better point me the way to a crapper," "Shane, unless you want me to do a naughty on your living room carpet!" "No, don't!" "Just over there on the left." "All right, mate." "Don't worry, I shouldn't be too long" " I had a curry for breakfast!" "SHANE AND TONY LAUGH" "A curry breakfast!" "Wicked." "Oh, Tony..." "Well, what d'you think?" "He's hilarious." "I've got to go change for tonight." "Tory's pretty crazy, eh?" "He almost makes you look normal." "I know!" "He's brilliant." "Moose!" "HE LAUGHS" "Aaah!" "What are you doing here?" "Your bed's so much comfier than mine." "I wouldn't..." "I wouldn't know..." "You don't mind, do you?" "Um, well..." "By the way, I spoke to your mother earlier." "You spoke to my mother?" "We were talking about going to a country cottage over the holidays." "It would be nice to get to know your parents." "Why do you want to get to know my parents?" "If we're going to be boyfriend and girlfriend, I think I'd better." "I'm going to go now." "If you could just let yourself out when you're... done." "Please." "Everything all right, mate?" "Not really." "I think Weird Bloke thinks me and her are having a relationship." "What makes you think that?" "She's lying in my bed." "Plus, she keeps making comments about us being boyfriend and girlfriend." "Oh dear..." "And she called my mum." "That's not good." "You know how picky your mum is about your girlfriends." "She is not my girlfriend." "Maybe she should be, mate, you know?" "I know she's an insane psychopath, but it's not as if you have anything else on the horizon." "Have you?" "No." "You liar." "You've got to date." "I haven't." "Yes you have." "You've gone all red and blotchy." "Who is it?" "Tell me, tell me, tell me!" "All right." "It's Scarlet." "No way!" "Yeah." "We've arranged to meet up during the holidays." "You and mystery bra girl?" "You have to keep it quiet." "I promised her I wouldn't tell you." "Is Tony ever going to come out?" "He's literally been in that toilet for about two hours." "He'll be out in a minute." "FLUSHING" "All right, boys?" "Sorry I took so long, I had a bit of a blockage, I had to have a bit of a clear out." "'Right mate, what time is the show tonight?" "Six o'clock." "Lovely." "TONY CHUCKLES" "One for the show!" "Ready to go?" "Hello." "Hello, hello, hello." "Hello, lady, the name's Tony." "You can call me Mr Lover Man." "I never thought I'd meet someone who made Shane seem attractive." "Thanks." "Sorry, who is this horrific individual?" "It's my mate Tony, he's on the show tonight." "I didn't realise it was going to be a freak show." "That's not a very nice thing to say about Fred." "I'm going to go and get changed." "I'm going to go and be sick." "What's her beef?" "You can't tell anyone, but you know I was telling you about the mystery bra girl?" "That's her!" "Oh my Lordy!" "Knew it." "Right, Danny Boy, let's go and make university TV history." "Anyone ever told you, you've got really soft cheeks like a baby's bottom?" "By the way, have you got any soap, I couldn't find any in the toilet." "Yeah, I'll just get you some." "Headphones." "Hello?" "Are you the tech guy?" "No, I'm Gandalf the wizard(!" ") Of course I'm the tech guy!" "All right, come on through." "Right, so do you guys have any idea what you are doing whatsoever?" "Yeah, well, I'm studying..." "Thought not." "This is a microphone." "This is a camera." "That sign, when it's on, it means that we're on air." "When it's off, it means that we're off air." "So, on air... off air." "Is that easy enough for you to understand?" "Yes." "Good." "I've got a question." "Oh..." "Thought you might." "How far do you think I can ram this microphone down your throat?" "You're on in an hour." "Tony, can you just try and keep it cool?" "Yeah?" "It's exciting, innit?" "Got your own TV show." "Shane, Tony seems really amped up." "Is he usually like this?" "What d'you mean, usually?" "The other times you've met him." "You mean the other time?" "You've only met him once?" "Yeah." "So you've invited him onto my show after meeting him once?" "He's just some random student?" "Tony ain't a student." "Who is he?" "Where did you find him?" "At the bus stop." "He asked me for 50p." "So he's a beggar, then?" "It wasn't really begging." "More like mugging, if anything." "This is my show, Shane." "This is my end-of-year project for my coursework." "He is going to ruin it." "Give the guy a break." "He's trying to turn his life around." "He's only just got out of the halfway house." "Halfway house?" "And, to be honest, I am slightly concerned about how he might react if I tell him he can't do the show." "He does seem slightly unhinged." "Oh, my God, Shane." "He's limbering up." "What could he possibly be limbering up for?" "Do you even know what he's doing for his routine?" "At least go and tell him that is going to have to keep it toned down." "Absolutely." "I'm on it." "Tony..." "Nah!" "He said no." "What do you mean, he said no?" "Right, fine, I'll go and do it." "How are you feeling?" "Fantastic." "I'm psyched." "I'm ready to tear this place apart." "Yeah." "I was thinking, maybe you should just keep the act toned down, while we're on air." "Tone it down?" "Yeah, like this..." "I'm with you." "I understand." "No worries." "TONY SCREECHES" "CHEERING Three, two..." "Hello, I'm Danny Gordon, you're watching Bankside TV." "This is my new show." "I'm going to introduce, now, some of my guests..." "I'm..." "Introducing, the one, the only, Tony Stantoni!" "Hello everyone, I am your OSES, your one stop entertainment shop and I can sing..." "Lahh!" "And I can dance... .. and I can tell jokes." "What do you call the worst, most horrible person you've ever met mixed with Hannibal Lecter?" "My dad." "What?" "What you looking at?" "Didn't anyone ever tell you it's rude to stare?" "Fine." "OK." "Fine." "Hmm?" "Would you like me to take my clothes off and get naked?" "That's what you'd like, isn't it?" "Hm?" "Shorty." "Right." "Naked Stantoni the stallion." "Send it!" "Are you not going to do something about this?" "Put your clothes back on, you lunatic!" "What?" "You're ruining the show." "Danny?" "Tony, I think, maybe, you should head off now." "What?" "I can't believe you are sticking up for mystery bra girl." "AUDIENCE GASP" "Yes, that's right everyone, on the show we have today the one, the only, the fantastic mystery bra girl." "No, Scarlet, wait." "I'm sorry about the guitar, Fred." "Had to be done." "I'll come with you, mate..." "No, you've already ruined everything." "Scarlet, wait, I need to talk to you." "About what, how you completely betrayed my confidence?" "I can't believe I trusted you!" "It wasn't as bad as it seems." "That's easy for you to say, your bra hasn't been exposed to the whole uni." "I thought you were different, Danny." "You're just as bad as Shane." "That's not true." "Scarlet!" "Aah!" "I've been looking for you everywhere." "What kind of boyfriend are you?" "I am not your boyfriend." "I thought we had something good, Danny." "I thought we had a relationship!" "It requires two people to know that they're in a relationship for there to actually be a relationship." "I like Scarlet." "Can you..." "I'll have you one day." "SHANE:" "And now, here's Fred with his new single, Life's Rubbish." "CHEERING" "OVER MUSIC:" "You wake up in the morning and make a cup of tea." "You pour in the milk and you get those horrible white bits floating on the top." "It tastes weird." "You don't know why, but it just does." "'Then you make some toast, but someone's left the toaster on a low setting... '" "Scarlet, I never told Shane, you've got to believe me..." "By the time you get back, the toast is burnt." "You have to start all over again." "There's only the end crust left." "Life's rubbish." "ALL: # Life's rubbish... #" "I promise you, I wouldn't do that to you." "I like you too much, and... it might sound insane but I think, maybe, you still like me too." "OVER MUSIC:" "You sit on the toilet." "The only thing to read is an old Take A Break magazine." "It's been there for months, you've already read it 15 times." "You read an article about some D- list celebrity's skincare regime." "Look." "The truth is, I've never messed up with a girl as much as I've messed up with you." "That's nice to know(!" ") Ever since the freshers' ball, when we, you know... kissed... .. I've regretted the way I've acted." "This whole time, I've wanted a chance to make it up to you." "'Hi, guys!" "Danny, Scarlet, if you can hear me - hey, I'm on TV!" "Wicked, innit?" "'"Today, on the news, a monkey... " Um..." "'So, basically, if you can hear me, I want to say I'm really sorry about everything." "I'm an idiot." "'Danny, I'm sorry for ruining your show, and Scarlet," "'I shouldn't have told Tony about you being mystery bra girl." "'I don't know what I was thinking." "'The point is, Danny, you're my oldest mate and I'd do anything for you." "'If you were in trouble, I'd run to you and I'd be there for you." "'Scarlet, you're feisty and I thought you were a lesbian at first 'and now I still think you might be, but it doesn't matter what we are, 'we're all human, and Fred - get in here - we just want to say," "'I really hope I haven't done anything to ruin that date you were planning over the holidays..." "'I've just realised I probably shouldn't have mentioned that in front of everyone... '" "You can't not tell him anything, can you?" "You're like... joined at the hip!" "No, we're not." "I'm finished with Shane." "We're done." "Please?" "Scarlet?" "Say that we can still meet up?" "Look, I like you, Danny, but I've worked really hard to get to this university and I'm not going to mess it up over some guy who's..." "Who's what?" "All over the place." "Maybe it's better if we just stay friends." "I'm sorry." "Look, I'll see you next term, OK?" "# Life's rubbish... # Rubbish." "# Life's rubbish... # It's rubbish." "# Life's rubbish..." "# Life's just rubbish." "# What's the point in... anything?" "#" "Hey, great show yesterday." "Thanks." "Honey bear!" "Oh, I've missed you so much." "Hi, Mum." "Ooh!" "You look like you've lost weight." "Have you lost weight?" "I don't think so." "Maybe." "Can we just go?" "Yes, yes, yes." "Does Shane not need a lift?" "I don't know and, quite honestly, I don't care." "That's a shame." "He's your oldest friend." "What happened?" "It's too much to tell you about in a two-hour car journey." "I think his dad's picking him up." "I thought his dad was in France with his new wife." "All right, Fred?" "You off then, mate?" "Yeah." "Kate Moss is sending me a limousine to take me down to the mansion." "Well, have a good time." "Yeah, right." "KNOCK AT DOOR" "Hello, we've come to collect Wendy." "Who?" "Wendy." "Weird Bloke." "Sorry, I'll just go get her." "Weird Bloke, your parents are here." "Hello, parents." "Hello, Wendy." "# Once is better than a lifetime" "# Once is better than a whole long time" "# When you catch it... #" "MUSIC BLASTS THROUGH HEADPHONES" "What you doing?" "You scared the hell out of me, man." "Where's your dad?" "Yeah, no, he should be here any minute." "I just spoke to him, he's stuck on the A... 3... 6... 2... 1." "My mum told me he's moved to France." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, no, he has sort of moved to France." "Apparently he'd rather spend Christmas with his new family." "I thought I'd just kick around here." "Do you mind if I join you?" "Huh?" "Why?" "Because I feel bad about you being left here on your own." "I thought you were annoyed with me about ruining your chances with Scarlet and destroying your TV show." "I am." "I'm furious." "But... you're still my best mate." "Ow, Shane, that's hurting a little bit." "Sorry, mate." "We're gonna have a great time, man, just me and you, yeah?" "It's going to be brilliant." "You know, I really can't think of anywhere I'd rather be these holidays." "Oh, my God, everyone's coming back for me!" "No, I forgot my shades." "Oh." "You guys are probably not interested, but there's room at Kate's mansion if you want to come." "LIFT: 'Doors closing... '" "# Life's rubbish... # Rubbish." "# Life's rubbish... # Life's rubbish."