"PUDDLE:" "Ever since my mom's weird fiance Andy showed up," "Steve's spent all his time trying to avoid him." "To escaping that little bearded toad." "I do not know what she sees in him." "Well, he appears to have devoted his life to public service and fighting corruption." "Fighting greed." "I mean, it just doesn't make any sense." "I do not know what she sees in him, no." "But maybe she's no better." "I mean, once you "remobe" her physical beauty..." "Take away her intelligence." "Hobble her dancer's grace." "Take away that beautiful body." "Take out that good heart of hers." "Oh, yes, you definitely have to butterfly the heart." "No, it's hopeless." "And the crazy thing is, I almost had her living in the house." "Till that stupid eco-terrorist save-the-world nut job showed up." "You have to get rid of Andy." "I know, but I just can't seem to shake him for a second." "It's like he thinks I'm gonna lead him to some sort of Wilde Oil conspiracy or something." "Well, maybe you should." "(GLASS SHATTERING)" "How long have you been there?" "The whole time." "This whole thing started with you taking me down to the workshop to help me with my science project." "Well, I think I know a little girl who should be spending less time spying on grownups and more time thinking about getting a husband." "We may have said something inappropriate." "Like butterflying my mother's heart?" "Would you like a glass of forget juice?" "No, that's..." "What was that you were saying about getting rid of Andy?" "You said it yourself." "All you have to do is find out when the next Wilde Oil atrocity is, and he'll go run off to stop that atrocity." "I learned a new word in school today." "I don't really know anything about where the new atrocities are." "Anyway, a vodka cellar is no place for sober little children." "I was a very sober child." "Maybe I'll stay here and make up for lost time." "(DOOR CLOSING)" "Puddle, there you are." "I'm excited to get going on our science project." "Oh, Steve offered to help me." "We're working on photosynthesis, the building blocks of life." "I'm not sure that that's right." "Oh, Emmy, please." "I won the school science fair four years in a row." "Yes, but you were homeschooled." "Excuse me, missy." "But he was homeschooled by the most talented tutors money could buy." "I had Marvin Hamlisch for math." "Honey, I'm gonna help you with this, okay?" "No, it's okay." "I got it." "No, I'm gonna get some of the RD guys from Wilde Oil on it." "Money's no object." "These guys can make things happen." "They can make oil gush from the bottom of the ocean." "'Course, they're not great at making it stop, but..." "Steve, what you don't understand is that spending money is not the best way to show someone you love them." "If you'd ever had a job, you would understand that it's the sacrifice that matters." "But in my defense, I've never had a job." "I know!" "That's what I'm saying." "You don't buy love, you make love." "Then let's make that." "And that'll be my gift to you." "Believe me, you would be the one getting the gift." "ANDY:" "Well, isn't this cozy?" "Can you believe they used to make these things out of real fur?" "STEVE:" "That is real fur." "What?" "No!" "Oh, come on!" "Anyway, I know why you need it." "You need it to keep you warm up in Alaska." "'Cause that's where Wilde Oil is planning its next coup." "Alaska?" "Liar!" "I figured it out." "You're planning to pollute the Inuits' land, and then you're gonna coerce the fat cats in Washington to remove its protected status." "Then you're gonna offer to pay for cleanup by drilling for oil because we can't waste taxes 'cause we're "wittle" girls." "PUDDLE:" "Little girls would never do that." "That sounds like another product of your left-wing, chewy media, there, Rush Lim-Bob." "Yeah, Andy," "I don't think Steve is too plugged in to the complexities of the oil business." "Or any business." "Or any complexity, really." "So now you're defending him and his big oil company." "No, I just accused him of not working." "I certainly can't give him a hard time about Wilde Oil." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I don't want to hear it." "It's true." "He's a good guy." "Yeah, and, you know, he's really been trying." "Yeah, and I said I don't want to hear it." "You never want to hear anything." "Way to go." "Wilde Oil are the people who don't want to hear anything!" "God, she used to love it when I was dedicated and angry." "Well, you're welcome to try ungrateful and happy." "Hasn't worked for me yet." "I don't know, maybe she's starting to think I'm a hypocrite." "She just doesn't want to listen to the conspiracy theories anymore." "Are those take-out menus?" "Yes, they were in your mailbox." "I really don't have anything con..." "Concrete." "Steve, weren't you just saying that you wish somebody would go up to Alaska to find out if your family were doing these atrocities?" "Yes, but that's when we were talking about getting rid of and-deed!" "I did." "And-deed I did." "And you should go and-vestigate that." "You should go up there." "Emmy won't think you're a hypocrite if you do." "But Alaska is so cold right now." "You can take my coat." "ANDY:" "Well, I mean, I guess it's already dead." "And it is crazy comfy." "Not that one." "You can take my Gore-Tex one." "It's great for all my drilling." "Drinking!" "I've got everything." "I'll fly you up there." "I've got a plane." "This is kind of sudden." "Great time of year to go up there." "It's no secret that I like Emmy, but I'm not gonna stand in your way of you doing what you need to do to knock her off her feet." "Which, in this case, is revealing this conspiracy." "Wait a minute." "He likes Emmy." "Well, Migo, pop the champagne." "PUDDLE:" "Steve finally got rid of my mom's fiance." "All right, what'd you do with him?" "Where's Andy?" "Alaska." "He insisted on seeing this Wilde Oil conspiracy for himself." "In fact, I even took care of his travel." "Oh, I guess I should thank you." "And yet, I doubt it." "Actually, I should be thanking you." "You stuck up for me in front of Andy." "I know that wasn't the easiest thing to do." "Well, Andy can be a lot of hot air." "I mean, he acts like he's ready to start another French Revolution and push the poor to cut the heads off the rich, but he usually ends up just calling into Larry King and yelling at Donald Trump." "(CHUCKLING) Wait..." "The poor did that during the French Revolution?" "You didn't learn that in history?" "I guess Bob Fosse didn't want to spook me." "PUDDLE:" "In fact, Fa'ad was about to get spooked himself," "(EXHALES) as he realized that the vodka cellar door locked from the outside." "This is inconvenient." "PUDDLE:" "But raised in the desert," "Fa'ad wasn't worried." "Oh, well, it's not like anybody ever froze to death." "PUDDLE:" "But upstairs, my mom was warming up to Steve, despite what her fiance thought." "EMMY:" "Look, even Andy can't deny that, and I mean this as a compliment, the fact that you don't work for your dad's company is your best quality." "It's not that I've held on to my hair after 30?" "I picked up your paycheck, boss." "Paycheck?" "Who's writing you a paycheck?" "I think that would still be Carol in the office." "What office?" "My Wilde Oil office." "Wha..." "Wait, what is happening right now?" "Steve, I've just been praising you for not working at Wilde Oil!" "Now you tell me you have a job there?" "Job?" "I mean..." "Yes." "I collect a paycheck and I have a title and a suite of offices." "And I do a secret Santa once a year." "And I also have these pretty sweet ankle-length Gore-Tex drilling coats that I get from them." "But, I mean, work there?" "And here I was, trying to prove to Andy what a good guy you are." "He'll never let me hear the end of it." "Emmy, come on, this job doesn't mean anything to me." "It's a lousy 10 grand a week." "Half the time, I just give it to Migo." "Yeah, I could make it more than half the time." "I could make it full time." "Well, what do you want me to do?" "Quit!" "You know, I think we might be doing some things here that could be very self-destructive." "I use a lot of this money to help fight my gambling addiction." "I really feel like I'm one big win away from finding a cure." "I have to say, I really hoped you were the kind of guy that would have the courage to stand up and do the right thing." "PUDDLE:" "And so Steve realized he could look like a hero to the woman who put him down for not having a job by saying," "I will quit my job, Emmy Kadubic." "And I swear to you," "I will never work another day in my life." "PUDDLE:" "He may have gone too far with that one." "And so the next day," "Steve went down to the corporate office of Wilde Oil." "If I were the quitting department, I would be..." "Mr. Wilde." "Did you need to use the men's room?" "No, no." "No, I'm here because I work here." "What a treat." "Mr. Wilde is here to work!" "Yes, um..." "Well, do gather round, work people." "So I've got something I need to tell you today." "I quit." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Oh, Mr. Wilde, you're so funny." "Actually, I am very funny." "Thank you for that." "Would have been nice to hear that before I'd actually quit, but..." "Steve Wilde." "How's it going, buddy?" "Working hard?" "Hardly working?" "How dare you?" "I've never worked a day in my life!" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Look, some of the VPs and I are bringing in a bucket of KFC." "Why don't you come join us, huh?" "I don't know, I don't really know any of those other guys." "I'm not sure I'd exactly fit in." "I don't know what KFC means." "And, generally, as a rule," "I don't handle my own champagne bucket." "(LAUGHS) KFC!" "Why, you miserable..." "KFC makes original recipe world-famous chicken." "The bucket is its iconic take-out packaging." "And a punch on the arm is a sign of friendship." "Great." "Let's eat, friend." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "There's a friend." "Ow!" "PUDDLE:" "And so Steve stayed at work through lunch and was enjoying himself." "Meanwhile, down in the Caymans," "I set up some shell corporations, and I'm driving my own stock down." "So I'm making money both ways." "But, I mean, these are the Reagan years." "Just a great time to be seven." "Man, this chicken is so good!" "How have I never heard of this old chef before?" "PUDDLE:" "Steve was starting to have fun." "He was even being liked by people." "And suddenly, it was time to leave his first-ever day at work." "Hey, Carol, why don't you knock off?" "It's already 2:30." "Will I see you tomorrow?" "You better believe it." "Denied." "The only bucket being made on my watch is KCF." "KFC." "That's what she said." "PUDDLE:" "It turns out Steve was a natural at the office." "While Steve was actually working at his first job, he brought in some top talent to help on my science project." "* Photosynthesis Photosynthesis" "* The building blocks of life" "* Those crazy building blocks of life" "* We started low" "* We build it higher *" "No, no, no, no." "I'm so..." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "So this is how Steve is helping you with your science fair project?" "By hiring Paul Shaffer to write a musical about it?" "Wait, this is a (BLEEP) science fair project?" "I made that perfectly clear to you on the phone, Paul!" "Perfectly clear?" "I'll tell you something." "You know what there's no such thing as?" "An easy 10 grand!" "They took that away when they took away Hollywood Squares!" "Hey, what?" "What the hell did you do to Paul Shaffer?" "I'll call Howard Shore." "Honey, listen, you and I are better off doing this thing together, okay?" "It'll be fun." "So, how'd the quitting go?" "Tell me everything." "First, let me start by saying the sign that they have in their break room is absolutely true." ""You don't have to be crazy to work there," ""but it helps."" "(LAUGHING) Did you just make that up?" "No, I guess somebody there did." "They also made one that said," ""I Hate Mondays."" "God, Monday, of all the days." "It's like, Mondays?" "Because it's the beginning of the work..." "Never mind." "Forget it." "Well, I'll ask them tomorrow because they're giving sexual harassment lessons, and I think I'll be pretty good at it." "Tomorrow?" "You're not going in tomorrow because you quit, right?" "Here's the thing on that." "Sometimes in life, it's harder to get out of things than you first think." "Like Afghanistan can be like that." "Or like a cathouse when it's surrounded by the ATF agents can be like that." "Or paternity suits." "I'm trying to think of another example." "PUDDLE:" "Ironically, he was standing right over one." "Fa'ad woke up a little scared and started to panic." "He remembered reading the best thing to do to avoid frostbite is to take off his clothes and rub himself with ice." "Unfortunately, he remembered incorrectly." "It was the worst thing to do." "Did I mention he was raised in the desert?" "Wait, so you didn't do it?" "This is the example you're showing my daughter that when things get hard, you just don't quit?" "Look, they liked me, okay?" "They valued my opinions." "I suddenly got the whole having a job deal." "It's not a bad thing, it's just an acquired taste." "Like condor." "Ments." "God, I love condor-ments." "Do you need some support?" "I mean, this is kind of what I do." "I stand up to big corporations." "Would you like me to come into the office with you tomorrow?" "Are you kidding me?" "I have always wanted to show you where I work." "Migo, guess who's coming to our office tomorrow?" "STEVE:" "Down here's where we do birthdays." "Oh, and Friday, we're having a big party for something called "to gift" which I'm excited about." "Steve, that sounds fun, but remember, we are here to..." "I know, I know." "To quit." "Tell me one more time the reason that I..." "The reason I need to give them that I need to quit this awesome job." "It's because they're destroying the planet." "For instance, we think they are planning to secretly pollute Inuit waterways in order to get the government to drop their protected status." "PUDDLE:" "So that's exactly what Steve went and told them." "STEVE:" "...drop their protected status so we can kick 'em off it and drill." "Now, do I want to be director of complaints at a company who does that?" "(PHONE RINGING)" "Is someone gonna answer that or what?" "Hello?" "I've called this complaints line 1,000 times, and no one's had the guts to answer." "But do you have the guts to come clean about what you're doing in Alaska?" "Andy?" "(HIGH PITCHED) No..." "This isn't Andy Weeks?" "I'm sorry, I'll never bother you again." "No, no, Andy, it's me." "Emmy." "What?" "Emmy?" "I don't want you to get upset, but, and it's actually..." "It's sort of funny." "This actually is Steve's office line." "He works at Wilde Oil." "Liar!" "I knew it!" "He's probably lying about what they're doing in Alaska too." "I'm up here freezing off my Blue Man Group trying to find some proof of this conspiracy, and I can't get any proof unless I have insider info from Wilde Oil." "You mean where I'm sitting right now." "In Steve's office." "Wait, you're in Steve's office right now?" "(WHISPERING) That's what I am saying." "We can get access to all the information we need to help the people that this oil company is hurting." "(GASPS)" "I've got to stop Steve from quitting." "ANDY:" "Emmy, can I say something?" "Okay, so what happened?" "Did you quit?" "(LAUGHS) Walk and talk." "Here's the thing." "You know how sometimes in life things are harder to get out of than you thought they would be?" "Like, um, Orly Airport in Paris when you've got 1,500 tabs of ecstasy in a hockey bag." "Or East Hampton drunk tank." "Even the West Hampton..." "So you didn't quit." "I may have been promoted." "Director of Exploration." "It's kind of a Lewis and Clarky vibe." "Are you mad?" "No, no, no." "If you're head of exploration, Steve, we can save the Inuit land." "Oh, well, I haven't quite got the promotion yet." "I mean, I did tell them about the whole pollute the waterways thing." "Here's the thing." "They hadn't actually thought of that." "But they liked it." "And they kind of want some more ideas on how to do it, maybe." "Well, give 'em to 'em." "Wow, that was not the answer I thought I'd get from you." "Isn't it kind of evil?" "Listen, we are pretending to do a little, small, bad thing so that we can really do a big, good thing!" "I love this plan." "I get to keep my awesome job." "Let's get some lunch." "No lunch." "We're working." "Tell Carol to cancel the rest of your meetings, brew a fresh pot of coffee, and see if she can find a Bachman-Turner Overdrive CD." "We've got some tribes to save." "PUDDLE:" "And that's how my mom sort of got a job at an oil company." "God, I hate high-fives." "PUDDLE:" "My mom was trying to push Steve up the ladder at the oil company she was hoping to bring down." "Once the polluted water sufficiently ruins the protected lands, they can become unprotected, which means only one thing." "Drill, baby, drill!" "So you made this?" "Yeah, I really had to push the guys in RD." "They thought the crying villager was too much." "It kind of does make it look less fun to play with." "No, no, no." "Honey, honey, honey." "It's not yours to play with." "It's Steve's." "He's doing some very important work here." "Yeah, I actually kind of think it's too much too." "No, no, no!" "It's just perfect the way it is." "No one should touch it." "You bring this in on Thursday and show the board, they are gonna go berserk!" "Oh, and great news." "I spoke to Carol, and I'm gonna start there as your secretary." "That way, I can keep riding you so you don't get soft." "Boy, that is not how I ever wanted to hear you say that." "PUDDLE:" "Considering how much my mom hated the oil companies, she turned out to be a real natural working for them." "Hey." "So it's, uh..." "Kenny in the mailroom's birthday." "Wanna go get some cake?" "Cake?" "Cake is for babies." "Of course babies like it." "It's so good." "I set my meeting..." "Your meeting with the board for tomorrow." "I let 'em know a few of the broad strokes, and I gotta tell you, people are really loving what I'm..." "What you're doing." "From now on, when I say "me", I mean, "you"." "They love me." "Now, I sent a few of our Wilde Oil trucks up to Alaska to scout the pollution sites." "We're actually going through with that?" "I thought that was just an example of what we could do just to get in the door." "Steve, I keep telling you, you want to make an omelet, you gotta break some eggs." "Yeah, we're gonna screw over a few Inuits." "But it'll help you get this job, and once you've got the job, then we can do some real good." "Okay, I feel like we've really crossed a line here." "And by "we", I actually kind of mean "you"." "Look, nobody's gonna kill any pandas." "So stop acting like a little girl." "Now, what are you gonna do?" "All the cake's probably gone." "You're gonna go in there tomorrow, and you're gonna show them that model, and you're gonna knock 'em dead, and you're gonna get that promotion!" "Wear something cute." "PUDDLE:" "Mom kept getting more and more carried away, until Steve and I had both had it." "Steve, you're up." "Are you okay?" "No, I'm in hell." "It's the third day in a row I've gotten up this early." "I'm getting to work before banks open." "Honest to God, banks!" "Then why are you still going?" "I'm finally getting to spend some time with your mom." "She actually seems to value me." "Ironically, it's as an oil executive." "Well, at least she's working on your project." "She hasn't even started on mine." "Say what you will about Paul Shaffer, but he shows up." "Steve?" "Steve, where are you?" "PUDDLE:" "But later, my mom couldn't find Steve to go to work with." "She looked everywhere." "We've got the presentation in an hour!" "Don't tell me you've got cold feet." "PUDDLE:" "And that's when she found someone" "Fa'ad?" "with cold everything else." "Don't let the door close!" "Oh, we'll be trapped here "foreber"!" "Migo, can you come get us out of this weird vodka room?" "MIGO:" "I'm kind of in the middle of something, but, yeah, sure." "That's an intercom?" "Where are your clothes?" "I burned them." "Oh, for God's sakes." "Well, take my shawl." "Oh, thank you." "Thank you." "No, don't burn it!" "Why are you burning everything that would keep you warm?" "Well, it didn't start as everything." "In fact, it started out quite small." "I just burned a pair of pants." "A gold bracelet." "Just enough to give me a quick burst of heat so I could climb the ice by that window back there." "Gotta break a few eggs, right?" "Well, yeah, I've said that too." "But, you know, you have to know when to stop." "That's what I thought." "The problem is, the more I destroyed, the colder I got." "And the more I had to destroy to keep warm." "And it's a slippery slope." "Compromise is, yes." "No, I mean the ice by the window." "Oh, I see." "Well, nothing more slippery than ice." "Except oil." "PUDDLE:" "And that's when my mom realized that she was on a slippery slope too." "Migo!" "Steve..." "He didn't go to the office, did he?" "I saw him head to the garage with your model." "The model." "Oh, no." "If he makes that presentation, then Wilde Oil could do some serious damage." "We've got to stop him." "Don't worry, Emmy." "No matter where he is, I can find anyone." "FA'AD:" "Well, you found me." "PUDDLE:" "And Migo did find us on his way to getting the car to find us." "There he is." "He's standing right there in front of us." "I found him." "No?" "Nothing for Migo?" "Steve, what are you doing here?" "I thought you were supposed to be at the big meeting?" "I didn't go." "I quit." "You quit?" "Why did you quit?" "Because it was wrong, Emmy." "Because I couldn't make the compromises that you were willing to." "PUDDLE:" "And because of this..." "Hey, have a great weekend." "Uh, it's Wednesday." "Well, when do weekends start around here?" "And, frankly, I don't like what happened to you." "Because you..." "Turned into exactly the kind of person" "I've been fighting my whole life against." "Started wearing your hair in a bun." "But, yes, the stuff you're talking about too." "Plus, somebody needed to help Puddle with her project." "Wait, so you're gonna use this for your science fair project?" "Yeah, Steve and I have been working on it." "He's been amazing." "I really have." "I didn't even..." "Well, I did tell her to say that, but I have been amazing." "It's called "Don't let this happen here."" "So the Inuits are standing in this area, so the oil people can't get into it." "And this little one's holding a court order." "That was my idea." "I really can't believe you did this." "And, Puddle, I'm really sorry I wasn't here for you." "Well, you could still help." "I would love to." "Okay, all I need to do is get these shiny tears out of the Inuit's eyes." "Ooh, are you sure you want to do that?" "Okay, I'll just scratch 'em out." "Boy, it sure is nice to have the old Emmy back, isn't it?" "The Emmy that we all love so much to have in our lives." "I'm so glad no one got hurt." "Ah, me too." "Okay." "That's enough." "Okay." "PUDDLE:" "But someone did get hurt." "Now we're gonna fan out, and remember," "Wilde Oil has spies everywhere." "Now, Giggling Horse, I want you to run up that tree." "Give us a scout." "Eagle Eyes." "MAN:" "We're here with the trucks from Wilde Oil." "Where do you want us to set up?" "What are you asking me for?" "I'm here to fight Wilde Oil!" "Then why you wearing one of our jackets?" "ANDY:" "Huh?" "He's with the oil company!" "Oh, no, no, no, no!" "(ALL YELLING) Wait, wait!" "No, no!" "Guys, guys, guys!" "PUDDLE:" "And when they caught him, he cried like a little girl."