"So, how'd the date go last night?" "Ah, another bait and switch." "Her profile picture looked like Halle Berry, but what showed up and ordered Maine lobster was Chuck Berry." "(laughs)" "Well, sorry it didn't work out." "Oh, I didn't say that." "Real nice lady." "Yeah, we-we're gonna go out to karaoke next week." "You know, she's got Mr. Berry's face." "Let's see if she's got his pipes." "Hang on, we got a car up on the curb." "All right, I'll grab the Breathalyzer." "(siren chirps) I'll put on my shoes." "Is she drunk or dead?" "Well, either way, she can't park here." "Ma'am?" "Glad you're here, Officer." "I'm looking for my car." "Aren't you in it?" "(laughs)" "Look at that, that's like when you lose your sunglasses, and they're on top of your head." "Oh, have a nice day." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Turn it off, turn it off." "Okay, I'm gonna need to see your license and registration, please." "I can't do that." "Why not?" "'Cause I don't have it." "Well, where is it?" "That's a question." "You should ask the judge who took it away from me." "All right, I'm gonna have to ask you to step out of the vehicle, please." "Well, just what is this all about, Officer?" "This is about driving under the influence." "Well, I didn't drive, I parked." "I mean, technically I stopped a crime from happening." "You're welcome." "Well, it doesn't matter that you're stopped." "What matters is you've admitted to drinking." "And your keys are in the ignition." "Oh, so, if I didn't have the keys then I would just be sleeping it off?" "That's correct." "There we go." "Nighty-night, Officers." "♪ La, la-ba-dee-da" "♪ For the first time in my life ♪" "♪ I see love" "♪ For the first time in my life ♪" "♪ I see love" "(kissing)" "Oh, yeah, oh, yes!" "Ooh, more!" "(kissing)" "All right, all right!" "Ms. Small, let's try this again." "Do you still live at 627 Racine?" "I feel sorry for you." "I'm not the one in handcuffs." "Oh, yes, you are." "You work for the government." "You're a pawn in a game you don't even know you're in." "(sighs)" "All right, so I'm just gonna mark that as a "yes"" "for 627 Racine." "What did you want to be a cop for anyway?" "You think people would respect you more?" "Well, let me let you in on a little secret." "They don't." "Think what you want." "Oh, no ring on your finger." "Obviously you have women issues." "Who was it?" "Who was it?" "Was it your mom that hurt you?" "Was it your mom?" "Was she the one?" "Is that who hurt you?" "Aw, is that who hurt you?" "Your mommy hurt you?" "What happened?" "(voice quivering):" "You don't know me." "Oh, now I do." "All right, all right!" "Carl, take a break." "And you, leave him alone." "Bye-bye, mama's boy." "Hey." "(Carl sniffling)" "All right, where is she?" "Over there." "Are you kidding me?" "You handcuffed one of our greatest living authors?" "She's also a very nasty drunk who kept throwing Carl's hat across the room." "I mean, it-it was funny once." "So, there's nobody that'll come get her?" "No, I contacted her attorney, cab companies." "You'd be surprised how many people hang up when they hear her name." "Okay, I got this." "Okay." "No, no!" "Nobody wants to hear from you." "Hey." "Hey, are you the lucky policewoman who gets to cavity search me?" "I love that." "No, it's me." "Molly?" "The-the writer?" "You mentored me?" "I kind of stalked you." "Oh, yeah!" "Now I remember." "We made out a little bit." "What?" "No, no." "No." "So..." "You're having yourself quite a day here, huh?" "Well, I was till Pork and Beans dragged me in here." "Well, I'm kind of married to Pork." "The oversensitive black guy?" "Oh, no, then Beans." "Oh." " Makes more sense." " Yeah." "Well, I see you're getting out soon." "I'd be happy to give you a ride home." "Oh, that would be so nice." "We, uh, we took a bath together, didn't we?" "After we made out?" "No, we did not." "We did not." "No." "Can you just tone down on the lesbian stuff?" "My husband's right there." "Oh, guys love that." "Well, not Beans." "All right, well, shall we get out of here?" "(coughs) I got her, I got her." "Okay, uh, can I get you anything before I go?" "No, but thanks again for the ride." "Maybe I could fix you some lunch." "Uh, no." "I'm kind of more of a soup and salad gal." "Well, you can't forget about your childhood by eating salad." "Okay, uh..." "All right, well, I should..." "I should probably go and get... get out of you hair, and I'm gonna..." "Hey, what are you doing?" "I'm, uh, I was, uh, trying to..." "I was snooping." "I was snooping." "Is that your new book?" "No, it's 600 pages of crap." "Well, I mean, but it's your crap, so it's, it's probably pretty good crap." "Are we done here?" "(phone ringing)" "Uh..." "Yup, sure." "I'll just let you get to it." "Okay." "Probably gonna get that." "No." "You gonna let the machine get it or...?" "No machine." " Okay, probably voice mail or a serv..." " Nope." "Okay!" "All right." "You know what?" "I actually can't do that." "J.C. Small's residence." "Okay." "Just-just a moment." "It's your publisher." "Tell him I'm dead." "I-I can't, I can't do that." "Well, I can't do it, I'm dead." "Uh, Ms. Small can't come to the phone right now." "Can I take a message, please?" "Okay." ""Miserable drunk."" "Okay." ""Disgrace to profession."" "Okay." "And "where is the... where, where is the damn book?"" ""Book." Okay, got it." "Well, the good news is your publisher sounds very passionate about that book." "Well, the bad news is it's never gonna be finished." "Don't say that." "I mean, you're J.C. Small, you know?" "I mean, two-time National Book Award winner." "And greatest feminist voice of our generation." "I mean, that voice is in those pages somewhere." "We just have to find it." ""We"?" "I mean, I-I ca..." "I-I could help you." "(phone ringing)" "Gonna get that?" "Yes, yes!" "J.C. Small's residence." "Hold please." "Are we happy with our phone service provider?" "Ecstatic." "Okay!" "Yes!" "Hey." "Hey." "It's midnight." "Where you been?" "Oh, just helping a world-famous author work on her novel." "Me, Molly Flynn... ex-school teacher, notary public, muse." "I didn't know you were a notary." "J.C. is a mad genius." "I suggested putting a comma in one of her sentences and she practically tore my head off." "I'm sorry, I should've never called you to come pick her up." "What?" "No, no, no, no." "It was amazing." "I mean, I got cursed out by my literary idol." "I mean, she called names I've never even heard of before." "Then she put in my comma." "Mike, I'm on the page." "Well, that's great." "I'm sure it's the best part of the book." "Oh, no." "I mean, I did really simplify a sentence, but... (cell phone ringing)" "Oh!" "Ooh, it's J.C." "Send it to voice mail." "Would you send your idol to voice mail?" "Why would Mike Ditka call me?" "I'll just be a second." "Hi, J.C." "Wait, wait." "Okay, wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Slow down, slow down." "I-I thought what you wrote today was great." "Well, I give a rat's ass about what I say." "Just hang up." "(shushes)" "Now?" "Well, it's awfully late." "No, I'm not a little baby that needs her bed." "No!" "No, no, no!" "Don't take out my comma!" "Yeah, I'll be right there." "Come on, you just got home." "I know." "She needs me." "I'm sorry." "Well, what about me?" "I haven't seen you all day." "You're gonna be asleep in five minutes." "Three if you tickle my back." "All right, turn on your side." "Ooh!" "Ah, yeah!" "Ooh!" "Slower." "Ooh." "O-o-oh, o-o-oh." "That's good." "All right, held my first husband." "It should... do the trick for me." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!" "What?" "Whoa, oh!" "Oh!" "Aah!" "No, no, no!" "Down!" "Down!" "Get off of there!" "Down!" "Down!" "What were you thinking?" "I was thinking about killing myself, but now all I can think about is how good you smell." "What?" "How good you smell." "I heard you." " What?" " Well..." "Stop clenching me with your thighs." "I have some nice chamomile tea for us." "And I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but what is wrong with you?" "Okay, you probably can't understand this right now, but one day, if you work really hard and you're very good and you never give up, you're gonna realize that suicide is easier than writing." "That is crazy We did good work today." "Yeah, but what about the next day?" "And then the next day?" "You have to keep feeding the beast." "I mean, for what?" " To write a great book." " Oh..." "And then they want another one." "Or they don't want one." "That's even worse." "Well, if it's such torture, then why bother at all?" "Because I hate them and I want them to love me." "I kind of get that." "Oh, how can you kind of get that?" "I taught fourth grade!" "Why'd you have to bring her here?" "Because I've been with her for 16 straight hours and I wanted to take a shower." "I was gonna do it at her place, but she climbed in there with me." "I don't like that stuff." "I know, Beans." "I know." "So, what is it you do?" "I work at a funeral home." "Oh, mortician." "Beautician." "Interesting." "So if your sister had arrived five minutes later, we probably still would have met." "Except I would have been dead, of course." "I thought we weren't supposed to talk about the... (makes cracking sound)" "Oh, what's a little suicide attempt among friends?" "Personally, I'd use pills." "They're clean, easy." "Plus, you go out doing something you love." "Now, I can't believe that you've ever thought about ending your life." "With a wonderful marriage and two beautiful daughters, all living peacefully under the same roof." "Well, we have our moments." "Especially in the mornings, you know?" "Bathroom traffic." ""Who-who took all that hot water?"" "(laughing)" "I mean, when you think about it, you've given up so much for these girls." "Your life, your privacy, your home." "When is it gonna be Joyce's turn, hmm?" "When does somebody do something for you?" "I don't see it like that." "Well, of course not." "That's what the booze is for, isn't it?" "MOLLY:" "Okay..." "That's enough about us." "What about you, huh?" "We all want to hear more about the great J.C. Small." "J.C.:" "Oh, what can" "I tell you?" "I don't know, my..." "I learned how to drink from my father," "I learned how to curse from my mother and I learned how to make love from my uncle." "And I'm a Scorpio." "I knew it." "I mean, your sign." "Not that other horrible stuff." " You are so cute." " (giggles)" "You single?" "Why, do you know someone?" " Yes, I do." " MOLLY:" "All righty!" "Ooh, have you tried that prosciutto?" "No." "Yeah, well, do." "Do it." "Hey, just to be clear," "I am very happy with my life and my children." "They may be parasites, but I still love 'em." "Thank you, Mom." "Thank you..." "Mom." "Well... of course you are, but what about your poor husband?" "You've been married, what, two years?" "You're practically on your honeymoon." "I bet you didn't think you signed up for this full house, did you?" "Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?" "Some women have those yappy little dogs," "Joyce has yappy little daughters." "And, just so you know, Mike and I are moving out of here as soon as we get a down payment together." "Yeah, I'll believe that when he flies." "JOYCE:" "Listen, as long as my name's on the deed, my parasites have a home." "Uh, I'm your husband." "I don't have a say in this?" "Second husband." "Our real daddy is in heaven." "Oh, I am so sorry." "It was 25 years ago, move your hand." "Ooh, very protective of the younger, sexy sister." "Interesting." "You know, even a strong man, you sit him in front of a piece of cake long enough, he's gonna eat it." "Was that a crack about my weight?" "No, she's saying you want to sleep with Victoria." "What?" "Ugh!" "What's wrong with me?" "Not a damn thing." "Oh, so the stepfather noticed." "What?" "Ew!" "You-you creeping on my daughter?" "No!" "What..." "None of this is on me." "She's the one who always parades around in a towel." " I don't even look." " Oh, yeah?" "Then how do you know she's wearing a towel?" "'Cause I'm always standing in line" " for the damn crapper." " Oh..." "You need to pee?" "Use the drain in the laundry room, you've done it before." "Gross!" "I go down there barefoot." "Careful, 'cause Vince will stare at your naked feet." "Oh..." "JOYCE:" "Please." "You put it out there for everybody." "Why do you think I keep buying you robes for Christmas?" "I just kept thinking you were buying me the same thing because you're getting old." "Hey, I am a young, vibrant woman." "With a fantastic body for a broad your age." "What are you doing looking at her body?" "She's my wife!" "VICTORIA:" "Well, she's my mother!" "Are you happy?" "Yes, very!" "JOYCE:" "Stay out of it." "You started all this." "Don't yell at me!" "Okay, here come the tears." "Go ahead, manipulate your mother like you always do." "Okay, okay, let's everybody just calm down." "Shut up." "You're not even part of this family." "Well, neither is he!" "Why you gotta bring me into this?" "You're a shoe salesman!" "(yelling over each other)" "That was fun." "What do you want to do now?" "Get you home." "I think I've had enough of you for one day." "You're gonna leave me alone?" "We could both use a little break." "You can't abandon me now." "I'm very fragile!" "I have a feeling you're gonna be okay." "I tried to kill myself last night." "(scoffing):" "Yeah." "What does "huh, huh" mean?" "Nothing." "It's just so lucky that the moment of your crisis is exactly when I was coming through your door, which happened to be conveniently unlocked." "So you think that was a bluff?" "Well, I'll just throw myself out of this car right now." " Really?" " Really." "Or, hey, I'll do you one better." "Let me pull over here, right by the river, and you can go drown yourself." "Yeah." "Oh, look, we're here." "Jump on out." "Jump out." "River's waiting for you." "Full of snakes and dead mobsters." "But you're not gonna do it." "'Cause you know as well as I know that you just create these little dramatic situations because you need the attention!" "Yeah." "Oh, yeah, climb up on that railing." "Yeah, through that leg over there." "There you go." "Yeah... oh, is this where I'm supposed to come out and try to stop you?" "Well, I'm out." "No, I'm sitting right..." "(water splashing)" "Son of a bitch!" "Hey!" "Don't you dare swim away from me!" "(splashing)" "You could have gotten us both killed." "Don't be so dramatic." "Me?" "You jumped in a river!" "Man, that water's always so much colder than you remember." "You did this before?" "Yeah, well, usually from bridges." "I prefer the one on Wacker." "I mean, that view going down is incredible." "What is the matter with you?" ""Bipolar sociopath."" "Oh, my God, really?" "Or, as I like to call it, the "up-down boohoo sillies."" "Can't they give you anything for that?" "Yeah, they give me lots of stuff, but they're no fun." "Even when you crush them and snort them." "So you're off your meds?" "Duh." "I jumped into the river." "Okay, you..." "you know what?" "I can't take this anymore." "Neither can I." "What is so wrong with your life, huh?" "I mean, you have the kind of talent that I-I would chop off my head to have." "Why can't you just be happy?" "I can't write when I'm happy." "Oh, that's a load of crap." "Your talent is your talent whether you're happy or not." "It's in you." "That's easy for you to say, because you don't have any." "All right." "That's my cue." "Where are you going?" "I'm taking my lack of talent as far away from you as possible and going home to what little I have of my happy family." "You can't leave me." "I need you." "You need to dry out and suck it up and finish your book." "Well, why don't you make me?" " Grow up!" " I'll pay you." "Sorry, what?" "Uh, $800 a week." "Plus damages." "Which I'm sure I will incur." "So you're asking me to help you write your book?" "Yeah." "Write, run errands, induce vomiting whenever necessary." "I'm not saying yes." "But if I did, no more midnight calls." "No more midnight swims." "Plus, you'd have to go back on your meds because this kind of crazy... no." "Okay?" "Do you promise me?" "No." "Well, then you're gonna have to go find somebody... $1,000 a week." "Done." "But just to... get the taste of the river water out of my mouth." "You know what else would do that?" "My tongue." "And no more of that either." "You sure?" "Not even for $2,000 a week?" "No!" "Well..." "N-No." "No." "We'll see." "(sighs) Hey there." "Hey." "Mwah." "(groans) What is that smell?" "Oh." "Chicago River." "And a very aggressive lesbian." "What?" "Oh, I had to fish out J.C." "You know, for as polluted as that water is, it was oddly refreshing." "Molly, what-what kind of hold does this woman have on you?" "She's paying me $1,000 a week." "Ooh, Beans likes that." "(laughs)" "(phone rings)" "Oh, guess who." "Hi, J.C." "Well, I'm... sorry that you're hungry." "No, you have food in your house." "I made you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich today." "Okay, first, get the bread out." "You put peanut butter on one side, and you put jelly on the other." "Yes, you can do this." "For 1,000 bucks a week, you go over there and make that nice lady a sandwich."