"subtitle by peritta" "Previously on "You Me Her"..." "Jack's back..." "we got all schmaltzy, we had crazy amazing make-up sex." "Scary Nina?" "I know it's fast, but yeah." "You gotta to hold her real tight, like an autism blanket." "He's a love junkie." " What's this?" " Hey." "A number in the middle of a piece of paper?" " It's a salary." " Like, every year?" "Private jet." "Five-star hotel." "Wait, so this is about a job?" "Coolest firm in Seattle." "She just got an absolutely stupid offer in Seattle." "Seattle." "Is that a thing, Em?" "Yeah." "Is it?" " You okay?" " No, I'm not okay." "My parents are coming in an RV." "They make me a tad psychotic." "What's the plan for this one right here?" "I'm in a timeout so they can play normal." " So, what's going on?" " They're meeting with their baby doc." "What if they're pregnant?" "My professional recommendation would be surrogacy." "Do you think we're making a mistake sending Izzy away every time she's an inconvenience?" "How do we explain her presence here?" "I have an idea." "Izzy here is having our baby." "They're saying we're finally gonna have a grandchild." "It kind of feels like... like we're supposed to do this together." " Mom." " Oh, fudge me." "Don't jump to any conclusions." "Somebody call a meeting and forget to..." "Ooh." "What's your baby mama doing in bed with you?" "I'm a conceptionally challenged bisexual." " Harold, are you..." " Dad?" "Hal, look at me." "I think I just gave my father a heart attack." "Emma, listen... you can't give someone a heart attack like a virus or a curse." "Finding out who I really am was so disappointing his heart couldn't handle it." "Em, I don't even think it was a heart attack." "I still feel that Kung Pao pork, like, all the way up in my esophagus." "Glad you pervs are having fun." " Mom." " No." "No, we're not." "Um, we were just trying to convince Emma that she couldn't have given Hal a heart attack." "Well, nobody forced him to find the best cheeseburger in every state, right?" "Oh, I'm just fudging with you." "He's fine." "He fell asleep 30 seconds after they hit him with the Diazepam." "I can't remember the last time we hugged like this." "That's my fault." "All the secrets." "Secrets are like, uh... well, they're like..." "Uh, metaphor assistance." "Uh, keeping someone at an arm's length." "Um, stiff arm." "It's, like, a football term." "What?" "Secrets are like stiff arms." "So fudging bad." "You aren't the only one keeping secrets, Emma Seaver." " Trakarsky." " Let it go." "Mm, yeah." "Dad's bisexual, too, isn't he?" "I wish." " The man's insatiable." " Oh, okay." "It would be nice to tag out every once in a while." "Oh, my God, that's gonna echo through the rest of her life." "He had a panic attack." "It was his own damn fault for not taking his pills." "Wait, you mean this is a thing?" "This has happened before?" "The only people who know are me, him and his doctor." "It still terrifies me every time." "There's no me without him." "That probably doesn't sound very progressive or cool." "Mom, Mom." "That sounds exceptionally cool." "Can we go see him now?" "Of course, sweetheart." "Just maybe save your dominatrix confession till the next time." "Hey, Dad." "Hey, pumpkin." "I shouldn't have, you know, ... all that." "It was too much." "It was unfair." "It was selfish." "You might want to work on your delivery." "We want to know everything about you." "Well... you know, maybe since you kept all this from me, we can, uh... we can call it even?" "It seems my serotonin won't behave, whatever the hell that is." "I don't think I know myself." "I think that's the problem." "Problem with what?" "Me and Jack." "Me and Izzy and Jack." "Me." "Everything I thought I wanted, I just..." "I don't know anymore." "You love both of them?" " Mm-hmm." " Jack and Isabelle." "I do." "Then there's something you know." "Yeah, there's something." "Silver linings and vodka." "The uzhe." "Oh, my God, I did not just fucking do that." "I got to go." "Is that okay?" "Nina's in trouble." "The jail trouble?" "No, it's worse." "She sniffed a man's shirt." "I don't expect you to understand." "Okay, good. 'Cause I don't." "Fair." " See you later." " Bye." "So, you did the dreaded shirt sniff, huh?" "Nin, are you under there?" " Coming to get you." " No!" "Yeah, it's happening." "Get away from me, you fucking perv." "Shirt sniffer." "Degenerate." "What ails you?" "Fuck." "I let my guard down." "I thought it was real." "Well, how do you know it's not?" "How would I ever know that it is?" "He's like that old MTV song with those creepy sexy model chicks pretending to play guitar." "Something about being addicted to love." "Ah, I believe that's called "Addicted to Love."" "Look, everybody finds his or her way to the one." "Or the two?" "Very funny." "No two paths are the same, right?" "So... maybe instead of dating or fucking a lot of girls to find the one, Andy practices falling in love." "Until he gets it right?" "Until it's real." "Well, that didn't suck." "I know." "You're welcome." "Hello, and welcome to the Griffin Wellness Center." "My name is Doctor Jack Trakarsky." "No." "Hi, everybody, welcome to the Griffin Wellness Cent..." "Welcome to our Griff..." "Griffin Wellness Center." ""Only two things you need to know about me." "First thing, I'm not a real doctor." "And the second thing, I actually practiced this lame-ass welcome speech because I'm a quivering fucktard."" "Really, Hal?" "I'm not the one who faked a heart attack when he found out his daughter was bisexual." "Gotcha there." "So, go ahead, get to it." "This is the part where you say I'm the one who turned her gay-ish." "No." "This is the part where I tell you I know you didn't." "I don't give shit to people I don't like, Jack." "I just don't talk to them." "So, you're saying you like me?" "Well, you're the doctor." "Come here." "Sit down." "Okay, but only if you say your daughter's name... her full married name." "Come on, man." "You can do it." "Let's hear it." "Emma Trakarsky." "Well, you didn't make my daughter gay-ish, but you did make her a Pollack." "Okay, well, that's incredibly offensive, but not surprising, so let's do this." "You're a good man, Jack." " I am?" " You are." "Huh." "But I'm gonna tell you something very important, and I want you to listen real close." "Okay." "It's high time to sack the fuck up." "Sack the fuckup?" "I think we both know what you really want." "Yeah." " Got any old-dude advice?" " Oh, I do." "Go big." "Your turn." "You're not ready, man." "I'm always ready." "Jack and Emma want me to have a baby with them." "What?" "Now?" "No, soon-ish." "I'd be like a surrogate so we could all physically be involved." "If I don't, then someone else will, and then there's four of us all mixed up together." "Are you really into having a baby soon-ish?" "I don't know." "I mean, they want one, so... and I'm with them." "It just feels like if they have a baby without me, with a surrogate," "kind of feels like that'll be the end." "Fuck." "Fuck." "Could you imagine you as an aunt?" "No." "I can't." "I feel sorry for them." "Put that down there, thanks." "Wow, I love..." "I love what you've done with the place." "Thank you." "It's like, uh, cluttered minimalism" " I guess I'm going for." " Is that what they call it?" "Yeah." "Um, could you guys give us a minute?" "Just take a break or something?" "So... on a scale of 1 to 10, how mad are you?" "Well, you stood me up on our "Come on, dummy, we both know this is a fucking date."" "Right." "But at least you did it in person, so..." "I don't know, like, a six." " Six?" " Yeah." " Sounds reasonable." " Yeah." "Yeah, so instead of having you killed," "I'm just gonna kick you in the balls" " with these pointed toe heels." " My goodness." "So, just be a gentleman and spread your legs." "That sounds like more than a six, I'll be honest." "All right, it might be a nine." "Another life, you know?" "Yeah." "Yeah, maybe it's happening right now." "Yeah." "Cat in the box." "Yeah." "So, what's next with the throuple?" "I actually think I have to make some sort of definitive gesture." "Yeah." "Anyway, I got to run." " Yeah, go." " It's like the man said," " you know, I got to go big, so..." " Mm-hmm." "I'm gonna just..." "Wait, the man?" "What man?" "Here's to the death of love." "Hey, guys, you guys like chants?" "Everybody likes chants." "Say it with me, okay?" "No more love!" "No more love!" "No more love!" "No..." "Huh?" "Fuck all y'all." "That's actually what I'm gonna do..." "I'm gonna fuck everybody." "Well, what a coincidence." "That's my new program, too." "There will be no cuddling, and I won't be calling you." "Back at ya." "Okay, let's go." "You got to pay your tab there, Drunky McSlurry Bum." "Put it on Uncle Jack's tab." " All right." " Make him pay for it." "He's done..." "He's done enough to me." "Nina." "Andy." "Who's this ho?" "Do we have a problem?" "Oh, no, not at all." "You say one more word," "I'm gonna punch you as hard as I can in the face." "You bleed and cry, no problem." "Walk on." "Yeah." "Good luck with that." " Seriously?" " I don't..." "I don't..." "I can't tell if you're here to get me or to kill me." "I'm still deciding." "Crystal..." "Crystal Cove sounds amazing" "Yeah, it's got the cabin with the fireplace." "And if you ever invite me there, I'm gonna murder you so hard." "I don't want to be romanced, okay?" "I w..." "I want to be loved." " Yeah, I do." "I feel like..." " Don't say it." "Prove it." "Hang out with me when I'm sick and watch movies that no heterosexual male could ever possibly like." "Massage my feet even when you're not in the mood." "Show me your... your dumbest dance in your worst undies." "Let me see you cry." "I really want to kiss the living fuck out of you right now, but I feel like that's precisely what you're talk..." "The climactic make-up kiss being witnessed and applauded." "Right out of every romcom ever." "Are you okay with that?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I am absolutely okay with that." "Okay." "By all means, let the women do all the heavy lifting." "I'm being a feminist." "Sure you're not leaving 'cause I'm partially gay?" "Oh." "You three need some space and some time." "Besides, your dad needs to get home and rest." "You got a lot to work out." "Two-person relationships are complicated enough." "Not for you guys." "Oh, nothing's ever exactly as it seems, pumpkin." "What the fudge are you people?" "We're very mysterious and complicated, and you're old enough to say fuck it now." "Aww, yeah, for fucking sure." " Really?" " Oh, Hal." "Fan-fucking-tastic." "Why are we all fucking cursing?" "A long fucking story." "Oh!" "Oh, you're lighter and smaller than I imagined Emma's lover would be." "Hal, don't say lover." "It's weird." "Yeah, it really is." "It's also giving me flashbacks." " Hi." " Hi." "So, what's next for the traveling Seavers?" "Oh, well, we read about this place, Joshua Tree." "I thought we'd go there and try out some of those psychedelics that all the kids are talking about." " He's kidding." " Or am I?" "All right, I am." "Yeah." " Parents, man." " Word." "Recently found out that my dad was briefly an exotic dancer in Qatar after the Gulf War." "Meanwhile, we're embracing our normal." "Yeah, we're... we're gonna be so normal it's gonna get a little weird." "Like, we have golf lessons next weekend." "Mm." "We're going to Target tonight, where $400 can change your life." " But in aggressively normal way." " Yeah, okay." "Yeah, except now you're coming across as that kind of normal where you have people chained up in the basement." " Yeah, I could see that." " Mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm." "So we're just gonna..." "Yeah, we're gonna go." "Nice to see you." "We're not going to water our sex slaves, by the way." "We are going to..." " Where's Jack?" " He's at Griffin" " setting up the wellness center." " He is?" " Yeah." " Wellness center." "Pfft!" "There's the Hal I know." " Hey." " Honey, you take care of yourself." "I love you guys." "We know." "Ahh." "We've always known you loved us, pumpkin." "You take care of each other, huh?" "Go." " Oh, thank you, lovey." " I got it." "Drive safe!" " Okay." " Bye." "Honestly, I don't care what they say." "That looks super fucking uncomplicated." "Agreed." "Oh, gross." "Don't breathe." "Don't breathe." "Oh, my God." " Bye!" " Bye." "Bye." "Bye-sy, bye-sy." "Bye-sy, bye-sy." " Hi." " Hey." " Any idea what this is about?" " Nope." " This is amazing." " Fuck yeah, it is." "Is this my tent?" "It is." "What do you think?" "Is this you trying to get into our pants?" "'Cause you really don't need to try this hard." "Yeah, we have flaming edgy hearts tattooed on our asses." "We're, uh, kind of sure things." "And look at this." "You remembered my favorite pizza." "It's our favorite pizza now." "How'd you even get in here?" "These places aren't available yet." "Gabe's company's developing it." "It's ours if we want it." "Deposit's refundable for five days, so..." "No shit?" "No shit." "I think, uh..." "I mean, I think nobody can make this place look cooler than Emma, right?" "The house at Hawthorne Heights is always gonna just be Jack and Emma's." "But this place... this place could be ours." "I love you." "Both of you." "So much." "And, um, I want to do this." "So..." "Emma, Izzy, will you start a family with me?" "Right here in our new home?" "Um... subtitle by peritta"