" How do you do, Mr. Van Cleve?" " Good afternoon, Your Excellency." " Very kind of you to receive me." " Not at all." " Oh, please." "Sit down." " Thank you." "I hope you'll forgive me, but we're so busy down here." "Really, sometimes it looks as if the whole world is coming to hell." "Frankly, I haven't had an opportunity to familiarize myself with your case." "When did it happen, Mr. Van Cleve?" "Tuesday." "To be exact, I died at 9:36 in the evening." "I trust you didn't suffer much." "Oh, no, no." "Not in the least." "I had finished my dinner" " A good one, I hope." " Oh, excellent, excellent." "I ate everything the doctor forbade, and then... well, to make a long story short... shall we say, I fell asleep without realizing it." "And when I awakened, there were all my relatives speaking in low tones... and saying nothing but the kindest things about me." "Then I knew I was dead." "I presume your funeral was satisfactory." "Well, there was a lot of crying, so..." "I believe everybody had a good time." "It would have been an ideal funeral if Mrs. Cooper-Cooper, a friend of the family... hadn't volunteered to sing "The End of a Perfect Day. "" "You see, all my life I had succeeded in avoiding Mrs. Cooper-Cooper's coloratura... and this undoubtedly was her revenge." "Mr. Van Cleve, I can see that you have a sensitive, cultivated ear." "Oh, thank you." "Then let me warn you." "The music down here is anything but pleasant." "Beethoven, Bach, Mozart - you hear them only... above." "Yes." "I know." "It won't be easy not to hear the old masters again." "And there are several people up there I would love to see." "Particularly one." "A very dear one." " But I haven't a chance." " Have you tried?" "No, Your Excellency." "I have no illusions." "I know the life I lived." "I know where I belong." "I would like to get it over as quickly as possible." "Very well." "If you meet our requirements, we'll be only too glad to accommodate you." "Would you be good enough to mention, for instance... some outstanding crime you've committed?" "Crime?" "Crime?" "I'm afraid I can't think of any." "But I can safely say my whole life was one continuous misdemeanor." "My dear Mr. Van Cleve, a passport to hell is not issued on generalities." "No." "I'm afraid you'll have to wait until I have time to study your record." "Now look here." "I have to see His Excellency... and no offiice boy's going to stop me." "I beg your pardon, Your Excellency" " Just a moment." " I'm Edna Craig." "Oh, yes." "I have your record here." "You'll be taken care of in just a moment." "I don't want to seem rude, but I don't think I belong here." " In just a moment " " Please don't misunderstand me." "I think it is a charming place." "Isn't it?" "Henry Van Cleve." "You know Edna Craig?" "I'm sorry, madam." "I seem to be at a loss." "Oh, Henry." "Think back- many, many years." "The little brownstone house around the corner from the old Waldorf?" "Oh." "Marmaduke Harrison's party." "We were all dressed as children." "And you came as, uh, Little Lord Fauntleroy." "And they wheeled you in in a baby carriage." "Little Constantinople." "Oh, Henry." "No girl in New York walked on two more beautiful legs than you." "Little Constantinople." "Well, Henry, I still walk- and on the same two legs." "And I'm sure they're still as beautiful." "Well, Henry, I'll let you be the judge of that." "Those things are better left to memory." "But I must admit you're beginning to interest me, Mr. Van Cleve." "I think I can spare the time to listen to your story." " Thank you, Your Excellency." " Please sit down." "Perhaps the best way to tell you the story of my life... is to tell you about the women in my life." "Well, let's start with the first woman." "My mother." "A lovely lady, but prejudiced." "She thought I was wonderful." "She was the fiirst woman I ever fooled." "Then there was my grandmother." "She was just as prejudiced as my mother." "How is the little darling?" "Let me hold him." "No." "Please, Mother Van Cleve." "Let the baby rest." " You're just jealous, Bertha." " I can't stand this any longer." " I'm going to speak to Randolph about this." " Yes, Randolph." "First you take my son away, and now you want to alienate my grandchild." "My diapers needed changing, and already women were fiighting for me." "What a way to start a man on the road oflife." "I was not even two, and I already got involved in a triangle." "At home, in the presence of my family, I was the only man in my nurse's life." "I was her honeybunch, her "oogi-woogi-woo. "" "But the minute we got to the park" "Hello, Bedelia." "Well, if it isn't Patrick himself." "Ah, shut up, you nasty little brat." "No wonder I became a cynic." "My next lesson came from little Mary." " Hello, Mary." " Don't speak to me, Henry Van Cleve." "You're a bad boy, and my mother says I shouldn't talk to bad boys." "I bet you don't know what I've got in this box." "And I'm not interested, Henry Van Cleve." "Then I won't tell you it's a beetle." "A beetle?" " Do you like it?" " Oh, who doesn't like beetles?" " It's yours." " Thank you." "Oh, thank you, Henry." " I wonder if I should take it." " If you don't want it " "Oh, I didn't mean it that way." "I was just wondering." "Don't worry." "I've got another one." " Another beetle?" " Uh-huh." "Oh, it's beautiful." "It looks rather lonely though." "You know what I think?" "I think it wants to be together with mine." "You mean you want this one too?" "Henry Van Cleve!" "Do you think I'm the kind of girl that would take a boy's last beetle?" "Aw, that's all right." "You can have it." "Thank you, Henry." "Now, if you want to, you can walk with me to the corner." "From that moment on, one thing was clear to me." "If you want to win a girl, you have to have lots ofbeetles." "I was growing rapidly, and so was New York." "Yes." "New York was becoming cosmopolitan... and no household was considered fashionable without a French maid." "So, one day a Fifth Avenue coach stopped in front of our house... and out of the coach and into my life came Mademoiselle." "Mrs. Van Cleve will be here shortly." "Merci." "That's Mr. Van Cleve." "Oh, Monsieur." "Charmant, charmant." "This is Mr. Van Cleve's father." "He lives here too." "Grandpapa." "Sweet." "Very sweet." "And who is this darling little boy?" "That's the young master." "He's not so darling." " Bad boy?" " Not good." " Good morning." " Bonjour, madame." "How do you do, mademoiselle?" " Your name is, uh " " Yvette Blanchard." " Yvette Blanchard." " Oui." "The agency tells me that you've just arrived from France." " Oui." " And are seeking employment in this country." " Oui, madame." " Uh, you have references?" " Oui, madame." " May I see them, please?" "Naturellement." " Voilà." " Thank you." "Oh." "Uh, they're in French." "Oui, madame." "But believe me - toutes les références- excellentes." "Here, my last employer- Baroness Lalotte... wishes me to be such grand success in America... that I shall never have desire to return to France." "Ah." "The French have such a..." "continental way of expressing their gratitude." "Um, and here a référence from the duc de Polignac." "He considers the two years I spent in his house... the two most happy years of his life." "Oh, it sounds just like a duke." "Um, what about your wages?" "Uh, maybe in beginning $20 a month would give satisfaction?" "Twenty dollars a month!" "You see, I've never gone higher than $14 a month for a personal maid." "If I could only justify the difference." "Let me see." " Oh, Mother?" " Come here, dear." " Mademoiselle, this is my little boy." " Bonjour, mon petit." " Hello." " He studies French." "Oh, mademoiselle, you must ask him something in French." "But not too difficult." "Oui." "Avez-vous bien travaillé aujourd'hui, mon chéri?" "Huh?" "That's what I was afraid of." "Now be a nice boy and go." "I have an idea that I want to discuss with Mademoiselle." "A brilliant child, but a little backward in his French." " And it just occurred to me that " " Oh, madame." "It will be pleasure talk only French to little fellow." "My whole vocabulaire I make present to your baby." "With me in house, in one month I assure Madame will not recognize own son." "And only for $20." "Of course, that's six dollars more than I ever paid before." " But let's try it." " Merci, madame." " Au revoir, madame." " Good-bye, mademoiselle." "Psst.!" "Hey." "Oui?" "You're not gonna work here." "I'll see to that." "What is the matter?" "Did I make little boy angry?" "Now see here." "That's the last time anybody's gonna call me "little boy. "" "Oh, so sorry if I hurt feelings, but maman" "Yes." "Mama." "That's the trouble." "Mama and Papa." "And Grandpapa and Grandmama." "It's a conspiracy to keep me in short pants." "They think they own me, body and soul." "Ah, je comprends." "My understanding for young man is perfect." "Your soul is bigger than your pants." "Oh, you need very warm friend with sympathy." "Moi." "I will be." "Oui?" "I bet you couldn't guess in a million years what I have in my pocket." "No, I do not know, but I am sure it is something very bad, oui?" " Here." " Oh, you smoke big black cigar?" "Sure, I'm gonna smoke it - any day now." "Now we have very bad secret together, oui?" "That's nothing." "I can tell you things that would rock Fifth Avenue to its foundations." "Oh?" " I'm going to get married." " You, married?" "Mmm." "I have to, darn it." "Oh, this is much worse than cigar." "When did disaster take place?" "Oh, it all happened pretty suddenly." "There's a girl around the corner." "Well, you know." "But I do not know." "Tell me." "Well, we were walking in the park, and it started to rain." " Oui?" " We climbed into a policeman's shed." " And the policeman?" " He wasn't there." "Well, anyhow, before I knew it, I lost my head." "I don't know what got into me." " I took her into my arms and then " " And then?" "I kissed her." "I may just as well face the consequences." "Excuse my asking question." "This might sound very childish to grown-up young man... but did you ever consider idea not marrying girl?" "It's out of the question." "It would destroy me socially." "I could never go to Harvard." "Why, when my father kissed my mother... she knew what he meant, and he knew she knew it." "Écoute, mon chéri." "In your papa's time, papa kiss mama and then marry." "But this is 1887." "Time of bicycle." "The typewriter has arrivé." "Soon everybody speak over the telephone." "And people have new idea of value of kiss." "What was bad yesterday is lot of fun today." "There is a wonderful saying in France." ""Les baisers sont comme des bonbons... qu'on mange parce qu'ils sont bons. "" "This mean kiss is like candy." "You eat candy only for the beautiful taste... and this is enough reason to eat candy." "Y" " You mean I can kiss a girl once " "Ten times, 20 times." "And no obligation." "Listen, are you telling me the truth or just trying to keep your job?" "I'll swear by the extra six dollar I get from Madame." "Gosh." "This is a wonderful age I'm living in." "Oui." "So you do not have to worry about little girl." "Oh, I've forgotten about her already." "I guess I'm pretty blasé." " Listen, Frenchy." " What is it, my friend?" "If that's the way things are in 1887... what do you think's gonna happen in 1888?" "Aha." "We make that the subject of our first French lesson." "Au revoir, monsieur." " Mother." " Yes, my baby." "That girl is worth the extra six dollars." "The pride of all the Van Cleves was my cousin Albert." "He was the fulfiillment of a parent's dream." "Always the highest in his class." "Never had he thrown a stone into a window." "Nor did he ever put a mouse in his teacher's bustle." "His ears were always clean." "This, I think, will give you a rough idea of Albert." "And I'll never forget the morning of my 15th birthday." "The presents were waiting for me in the living room." "But suddenly Father came running down the stairs, excited and breathless." "Flogdell!" "Flogdell!" "Yes, Mr. Van Cleve." "Tell Robinson to go immediately and get Dr. Macintosh." " Tell him our little Henry is ill." " Yes, sir." "Oh, my poor baby." "The boy's acting so strangely, Randolph." "Randolph." "Now, Bertha, Bertha." "We must keep a stiff upper lip." "Randolph, he's talking all the time as if he were in a delirium." " What does the boy seem to be saying?" " Well, if I only knew, Randolph." " He's talking French." "Nothing but French." " French?" "Oh, Randolph." "Our boy, delirious in a foreign language." "Now, Bertha, Bertha." "This is an emergency." "We must do everything step-by-step." "The next move is to find out what the boy is saying." "Uh" " Uh, Flogdell." " Yes, sir." " Tell Mademoiselle to come to Master Henry's room immediately." "Very good, sir." "If only Grandpa would let me rub just a bit of garlic on his little chest." "Stay away from that boy with your garlic." "The boy's sick enough." "Randolph, did you hear that?" "Did you hear that, Grandpa?" "I'm not deaf." "The child's poisoned." "That's what it is." "Oh, Randolph." "What shall we do?" "Oh, what shall we do?" "Now, now." "There's only one thing to do, Bertha - keep a stiff upper lip." "But that won't help that poor poisoned boy." "If I had my way, I know what I'd do." "A big glass of cold water right in that boy's face, and I think he'd start talking English." " Hugo, you barbarian." " Oh, no!" "Please, please!" " You'll give him pneumonia." " You mustn't do that." " Please, you mustn't " " He might " " Oh, Mademoiselle." " Did Madame send for me?" "Yes, Mademoiselle." "Our little Henry." " He's sick?" " Yes, Mademoiselle." "Oh." "Excuse, Madame." "I'll be right back." " Oui, Madame?" " Mademoiselle, he's asking for something in French." " You must help us find out what he wants." " Oui, Madame." " Look." "He's smiling." " He's far, far away." " Why, he seems to be in another world." " He's looking at Mademoiselle." " I wonder what he sees." " Yes." "I wonder." "Oh, je suis si malade." "Mon estomac me fait si mal." " Is he clear?" " Does it make any sense?" "Oh, his French is absolutely perfect." "Such beautiful grammar." "Mademoiselle, at the moment we're not concerned with the young man's linguistic accomplishments." " Don't be harsh." " I'm sorry if I seem to have lost my temper, but the occasion is a trying one." " If you could tell us what the child is saying, it might help us to meet the situation." "Must be contagious disease." "Son, step out with me a moment." " Good morning!" " Morning, Albert." " Shh.!" "Hush." " What's going on?" "Now, Son, you still don't know what's the matter with that boy?" "Father, I wouldn't presume to make a diagnosis." " After all, I'm not a man of medicine." " Randolph, how old are you?" "What an odd question, Father." "I'm 43." "Well, I think you are definitely old enough to be told the facts of life." " What are you driving at, Father?" " Now, Son, don't look at me with those big wandering eyes." "It breaks my heart, but I'll have to shatter your childhood illusions." "Randolph, my son, there is no Santy Claus." "And that child of your" "Listen, don't you really know what's the matter with him?" " You get out of here!" " Bertha, what is it?" " Randolph, call the police at once." " Yes." "Call the police." "Quiet!" "Quiet!" "We don't need the police." "Bertha, Mother." "I wish someone would take the time to explain to me what this is all about." "Believe me, Monsieur, the excitement is greatly exagéré." " How dare you speak." " Have you no shame?" " Oh, please, Grandpapa." " Don't you call him Grandpapa!" " Don't you dare call him Grandpapa!" " Girls, girls" " Shut up!" "Go ahead." "Call me Grandpapa." "Merci, Monsieur." "Merci beaucoup, Monsieur." "You are very kind." "Yes, I'm very kind, but you'd better go and pack your things now." "And if you're not out of the house in a very little while, I'll come down to your room and help you pack." "I wish you would, Grandpapa." " Oh, shameless, shameless!" " Leave this house!" "Go!" "There is old French saying:" "If you are thrown out of house, you better resign." "Au revoir." "I still would appreciate it if someone would tell me what all this has to do with our little Henry." "Fortunately, Uncle Randolph, French always being one of my favorite subjects..." "I was able to understand the incredible conversation between Henry and Mademoiselle." " I, uh, don't know how to begin." " All right, all right." "Henry had a glass of wine." "We all know that." "Henry?" "Intoxicated?" "From what I overheard, at or about 10:00 last night..." "Henry and this - this foreign young woman slipped out of the house." "Before doing this, however, Henry wrongfully took possession of his father's dress clothes... including $20 which Uncle Randolph was negligent enough to leave in his pocket." "Imagine." "They went to Delmonico's." " Did they have a good time?" " They drank champagne." "Our little baby drank champagne." " Well, thank you, Albert." " But that's not all, Grandfather." "It seems, from what I could gather, that Mrs. Asterbrook, of the Asterbrooks... who was sitting at an adjoining table... resented bitterly the idea of Henry dropping a nickel into her décolletage... and complaining to the management because no chocolate bar dropped out of Mrs. Asterbrook." "Mrs. Asterbrook?" "How can I ever face her?" "What a disgrace!" "I'm going to teach that boy a lesson." "Yes, that's what he deserves - throwing nickels around like that." "Knowing the Asterbrooks, I can tell you right now we'll never see that nickel again." "I have reached my decision." "That boy is going to be spanked - and severely." "Oh, Randolph, don't hurt him." "Please don't hurt him." " No, no, Randolph." " Please, please." "He's such a baby." " Well, I assume there will be no further birthday celebration." " I'm afraid not." "I believe I can utilize this time very beneficially, so I'll say good-bye." "Good-bye, Albert." "You're a real credit to the family." "Thank you, Grandfather." "It was a Sunday morning, the day of my 26th birthday." "Oh, that boy." "Well, at least poor Grandmother- may her soul rest in peace -was spared seeing a day like this." "Oh, Randolph." "Randolph, where can he be?" "Where can he be?" "Now, now, Bertha." "I'd like to give you some consolation... but all I can say is chins up." "Oh, Randolph, where does he get it from?" "I give up, Bertha." "I never gambled in all my life." "I never got entangled with any girl until I met you." " Randolph, you call it entangled?" " I mean you entangled my heart." "Oh, of course, Randolph." "We entangled each other's heart." "Believe me, Bertha, I never knew what a musical comedy girl looked like." "What can he possibly derive from their company?" "To me, they were creatures from another planet." "Where does he get it from?" "Nobody in our family was musical." "To this day I wouldn't know how to find the stage entrance to a theater." "It's always around in the back up an alleyway." "There's a sign over the door:" ""Stage Entrance. " You can't miss it." "But I'm not interested, Father." "I never was." "Where does the boy get it from?" "Where does he get it from?" "Father built up the Van Cleve Importing Company from nothing." "When he stopped, I carried on." "Dad, you must admit, from the day I left Harvard, I earned every dollar I ever spent." "Then why do you give him money without making him work for it?" "I have to save the family name." "What about you handing him hundreds of dollars?" " If I'd come to you for money, would you have given it to me?" " No." "But you give it to him." "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Because I like him." "Does that mean, by any chance, Father, that you don't like me?" "Son, I love you." "Now shut up and leave me alone." "Good morning." " Good morning, Aunt Bertha." " Good morning, Albert." " Good morning, Grandfather." " Morning, Albert." " Good morning, Uncle Randolph." " Good morning, Albert." "I just came in to bring a little birthday remembrance for Henry." "Anything wrong?" "Isn't he home?" "11:00 Sunday morning." "If I know my cousin Henry, he's probably still in church." "I mean that humorously." "Albert, I'm struggling successfully against the gout..." "I'm waging a terrific battle with my liver, and I'm holding my own against asthma... but I doubt if I have strength enough to survive your jokes." "You're a successful lawyer." "Let it go at that." "I love you, Albert." "Uh, it was sweet of you to drop in, Albert." "I hope he'll be here tonight to thank you." "I hope so too, otherwise I'd be in the most embarrassing position... as far as my future in-laws are concerned." "We're so eager to meet your fiancée." "How does she like New York?" "Yes." "Is she enjoying herself?" "Well, she's only been here two days, so naturally the impression is overwhelming." "I took her to the aquarium." "We rode up and down the elevator in the Flatiron Building... and naturally, we ended up in Grant's Tomb." "Naturally." "Uh, and her parents?" "Oh, yes." "How does the big Kansas City butcher like New York?" " Now, Father, please." " I assume that you're referring to... my future father-in-law, who happens to be one of the great meat-packers of our time." "Yes, Father Van Cleve." "Don't you realize that every piece of beef we eat... comes from one of Mr. Strable's many, many plants?" "Does that include the steak I fought 10 rounds with last night?" "Grandfather, you don't seem to have any idea of the importance of Mr. Strable." "He created the most famous character in American advertising" " Mabel, the cow." "You've seen her, Father, on billboards." "That big, happy cow smiling at you over the fence... and saying in big letters, um, uh - How does it go?" ""To the world my name is Mabel, which you'll find on every label." "I am packed by E.F. Strable, for the pleasure of your table. "" "No cow in its right mind could have said anything like that." " Sounds more like Mr. Strable." " Grandfather, please, I beg of you." "The family understands your humor, but it's a typical kind of New York humor." "In other words, it's not for yokels, huh?" "I beg your pardon, sir." "Mr. Henryjust came home." "He went directly upstairs." "Aunt Bertha, when you see Henry, will you tell him that as a Van Cleve..." "I have the right to demand that he keep the shadow of scandal off our name?" "You see, my future in-laws are, so to speak, pioneer people, and " ""Packed by E.F. Strable... for the pleasure of our table. "" "Holy smoke.!" " Good-bye, Aunt Bertha." " Uh, good-bye, Albert." " Well, this time I was firm." " Good, Randolph." "What happened?" "He asked for a hundred dollars, but I told him." "I told him I'd let him have only 50." " Randolph " " And not right away." "For the first time in 27 years of marriage, I feel like criticizing you." "What do you want me to do?" "Spank a 26-year-old boy?" "No, but at least I expected a verbal lashing." " Are you all right, my boy?" " Yes, Mother." "Many happy returns of the day." "Ohh." "Mother, I'm sorry if I made you unhappy." "Oh, Grandfather and Father and I are worried to death about you." "You don't give your family a single thought." "All you think about is having what you call a good time." "Mother, I went out last night to raise Cain." " Son, you mustn't talk like that." " Don't worry." "I didn't." "I couldn't." "I couldn't get her out of my mind." "Son, you worry me." "Are you well?" "Mother... when you saw Father for the first time, did you feel that unmistakable something?" "Did you feel an electric spark from your head right down to your toes... that swept over you like a hurricane and threw you to the ground... but you bounced up again and floated over the treetops?" "Spark?" "A hurricane?" "Heaven forbid." "I never had such a feeling." "Henry, where do you get it from?" "Not from me." "And certainly your father never had any spark." "Mother, all I'm trying to say is..." "I met a girl yesterday." "Oh." "I hope she comes from a good family." "I don't know." "And frankly, I don't care." "Mother, when one sees a lovely rose " "One can be certain she comes from a fine rosebush." "Mother, even if this girl's father turned out to be something of a buttercup, I wouldn't care." "What's her name?" "Where does she live?" "I wish I knew." "She isn't one of those musical comedy girls?" "Oh, no, Mother." "It's an entirely different kind of music." "It's not the hootchy-kootchy." "It's not the cancan." "It's like a waltz by Strauss." "Like a minuet by Mozart." "Henry, where do you get it from?" "From you, Mother." "Now, you must be just." "When I was a little boy, you wanted me to believe in fairy tales... and now that one has really happened " "You remember that story about the young man " "I think he was a shepherd who was walking in the woods " "Oh, you've been in the country." "No, no, Mother." "It happened right on Broadway." "Suddenly the young man saw a big castle... and leaning out of the window was the most beautiful princess." "Nothing could stop him." "He climbed up the parapet of the castle " "Henry." "You haven't broken into the Waldorf again?" "Mother, darling, let's forget the fairy tale." "Well, it's about time you grew up." "I came here to scold you, and I'm going to do it." "Now, look at your cousin Albert." "Not much older than you are and already a corporation lawyer... engaged to a lovely girl of a well-known family." "Henry, now, this may sound severe, but you've got to pull yourself together and settle down." "Mother, I don't think I'll ever find this girl, but if I did, then all your troubles would be over." "If she didn't want me to gamble, I wouldn't look at another card." "I'd stay home every night." "Mother, I might even go to work." "Henry, that's wonderful." "I don't know about the girl... but the fact that you have the desire to settle down makes me so happy." "For the first time you're beginning to sound like your father." "Uh, Mother, I don't know where this girl is, so don't expect too much." "Oh, now listen to your mother." "Don't worry about that girl." "Another girl will come along." " I'll look for one myself." "How's that?" " Fine." "Fine, Mother." "And when I find a girl for you, she'll be Miss Right." "And do you know where we'll find her?" "In the home of Mr. and Mrs. Right." "Oh, Henry, you're making me so happy." "Mother, I was riding around for hours and hours trying to forget this girl." "Oh, child, don't worry." "Well, it was very expensive." "The cab is still waiting out in front... and the driver was so nice to me that I promised him, if" "I know." "Your heart's always bigger than your father's pocketbook." "Look under your pillow." "I put something there last night." "Oh, Mother." "Sometimes I wonder if you're not spoiling me." " Here, dear." " Oh, thank you." "Well, this is a great occasion." "You must be proud of your Albert." " Yes, I think we have a pretty good son." " Oh." " I hear the Strable family" " We couldn't ask anything better for our Albert." " Oh, wonderful." " Mr. and Mrs. Strable and Miss Strable." "Good evening, Grandfather, Aunt Bertha, Uncle Randolph, dear, dear family." "It is my privilege and honor to present Mr. and Mrs. E.F. Strable." "And last but not least, well... here she is." " How do you do, madam?" " How do you do?" "I can't tell you how much I've been looking forward to the pleasure of meeting you." "All my life I've wanted to see the wide-open spaces." "Well, if Muhammad can't go to the mountain, the mountain must come to Muhammad." "You're welcome, Mrs. Strable." " Yes, we're pretty proud of Kansas." " Naturally." "And you, Mr. Strable, welcome to our family." "Mr. Van Cleve, we people from the West don't talk much... but when we say something, we mean it." " Thank you." " Thank you for giving me the chance... to meet the man who feeds the nation." "I hope this will be the beginning of a lifelong friendship." "May you lie as solidly anchored in our hearts as you do in our stomachs." "And, uh, Grandfather, this is Martha." "So, this is Martha, huh?" "Well, Martha." " Yes, Mr. Van Cleve?" " Grandpa." " Yes, Grandpa." " If I were about 50 years younger..." "I'd take you right away from that s - splendid young man you're going to marry... and who is going to make you a wonderful husband." "Kiss your grandpa." " Well, I see the mob has assembled." " Yes, sir." " Flogdell, is that " " That's Mr. Strable." "And that spreading chestnut tree under which Grandfather is standing?" "That's Mrs. Strable." "And, uh, where's the lucky girl?" "Standing beside your Aunt Minetta with her back to us." "She's just turning round." "Charming young lady, if I may say so." "Flogdell, I don't think I can stand this party." " Get my hat and coat." " But, sir." "My hat and coat." " Henry!" "There you are." "Many happy returns." " Thank you." "And now it's about time for you to come and meet the Strables." " Where are you going?" " Out." "I beg you to stay and behave like a Van Cleve just once." "The Strables know it's your birthday, and they want to congratulate you." "Oh, Martha." "Martha." " Yes, Albert?" " Dearest, I want you to meet Henry Van Cleve." "This is the cousin whose birthday we're celebrating today." "Many happy returns, Mr. Van Cleve." " Cousin Henry." " Cousin Henry." " Thank you, Cousin Martha." " Well, here she is, Henry." "Now I've done my duty bringing some new blood into the family." "It'll be your turn next." " That's most unlikely." " Oh, nonsense." "All you need to do is to meet the right girl." "That's difficult, Albert." "I'm afraid I'll never have your luck." "Yes." "No question about it." "I'm lucky." "Well, shall we go in?" "Father Strable." "Father Strable." "Don't be afraid." "I should have told him." "It would have been the thing to do." "It shall remain our secret." "I promise." "Thank you." "Yes, we had a secret." "The most innocent secret I ever had." "It happened Saturday morning in Wannamaker's Department Store." "Hello, Mother?" "I'm at the hairdresser's." "They're still doing my hair." "Yes." "Oh, yes." "Just a moment, and I'll ask them how long it'll be." "Here was a girl lying to her mother." "Naturally, that girl interested me at once." "They say it'll take about 15 more minutes." "I'll be home at the most in half an hour." "Don't worry, Mother." "Good-bye." "Why was this angel lying to her mother?" "I had to fiind out, so I followed her." "But even if she hadn't lied to her mother, I would have followed her anyway." " May I help you, miss?" " Thank you." "I would like to see a - Are there no women clerks?" "Unfortunately not." "But it might make you feel a little easier... if I tell you that I'm the one usually chosen by the management to handle... the more delicate situations." "As a matter of fact, they call me "the bookworms' little mother. "" "Well, it's, uh " " Maybe I better come back some other time." " Please, miss." "My employer is watching, and if he sees me losing a customer, it might cost me my job." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "Naturally, I wouldn't like to deprive you of your livelihood." "Oh, thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you again and again." " Well, the title of the book is, uh " " Yes?" "I saw it in the corner of the second window... between To Have and to Hold and When Knighthood Was in Flower." "Hmm." "There you are." "I probably should apologize." "I imagine I should have called you madam." "No, it's still miss." " But not for long, I presume." " That's quite right." " How much is the book?" " Oh." "We'll be only too glad to charge it if you would be kind enough to give me your name and address." "Thank you, but I'd rather pay." "How much?" " Uh, it's very expensive." " Oh, that's all right." "Now, this is against the interests of Mr. Brentano... but since I am, so to speak, your literary confessor..." "I must be honest with you." "Don't buy this book." "You don't need it." "I'll tell you something much more appropriate for you." "Leave your nest and fly away with me." "Well, I might buy that book too " "Well, we don't have it in stock right now... but I'd love to discuss the idea with you, and if you like it " "I'm afraid I haven't much time." "So, please, will you tell me?" "How much is How to Make Your Husband Happy?" "Look at her." "Dr. Blossom Franklin." "Now where could a woman like that have found out how to make a husband happy?" "You certainly don't want to learn anything from her." "You're so charming, so young and so beautiful." "I beg your pardon." "You shouldn't say such things." "You see, miss, when selling literature, one gets poetic." "And you must forgive me if I take poetic license once in a while." "I'd rather not discuss it any further, and if you don't mind, I'd like to buy this book." "I do mind." "Now, imagine I'm the man you're going to marry." "I couldn't imagine any such thing." "Well, what's the matter with me?" "You think I'm that terrible?" "Please." "I just came in here to buy a book." "That's all." "I understand." "But for the sake of discussion, let's say we are getting married." "Believe me." "I don't want anybody to tell you how to make me happy." "The greatest gift you could bring me is to be just as you are - adorable." " All I want is a book." " Stubborn, eh?" " What?" " Pardon my poetic license." "If you don't change your attitude, I shall have to complain to your employer." "I'm not employed here." "I'm not a book salesman." "I took one look at you and followed you into the store." "If you'd walked into a restaurant, I would have become a waiter." "If you'd walked into a burning building, I would have become a fireman." "If you'd walked into an elevator, I would have stopped it between two floors, and we'd have spent the rest of our lives there." "Please forgive me, but you can't walk out of my life like that." "I think your behavior's outrageous." "It's mad." " I must insist that you leave me at once." " Never." "Never." "Is this man annoying you, miss?" "If he is, just say so." "I'll take care of him." "Am I annoying you?" "Tell the officer." "No." "The gentlemen was just saying good-bye." " Well, good-bye." " Good-bye." "This was our terrible secret." "I'm terribly sorry, Albert." "Dearest, you don't seem to realize who's singing." "I know." "Young Mrs. Cooper-Cooper." "If it were just a relative, it wouldn't be half so embarrassing." "But Mr. Cooper-Cooper is one of your most important clients." "I haven't forgotten." "But what could I do?" "I had to sneeze." "But you did it right in the middle of her aria - and five times." "Because I had to sneeze five times." "Albert, suppose someday in the future I had to sneeze " "Then you sneeze." "Naturally." "Don't you worry." "After all, I'm taking you for better or for worse." "Do you think you may have to sneeze again?" " I don't know." "I can't guarantee it." " Well, then let's not take any chances." "Why don't you go in the library and rest a while and see how things develop?" "Make yourself comfortable." "Read a book." "I think I'd better go back for the encore." "Yes, dear." " Cousin Henry." " Yes, Cousin Martha?" "You must never do anything like that again." "Is that what you came back here to tell me?" "I think it's outrageous." "I hardly know you." "Why, even Albert, my own fiancé, never dared to " " Kiss you?" " Of course he kissed me." "Why not?" "After all, we're engaged." " But he never kissed me like that." " Like what?" "Oh, I hate you." "I hate you." "I don't even know why I stay in the same room with you." "Please forgive me, but can't we be friends?" " Just friends?" " Never." "Now, look, we're gonna be related, aren't we?" "And we're gonna see each other." " How can we help it?" " I suppose we can't." "And if we meet in the future we don't have to talk about personal things - about you and me." "Let's talk about something neutral." " For instance, Albert." " Why not?" "By the way, do you love Albert?" "I'm marrying him, am I not?" " Are you?" " Yes, I am." "No, you're not." "You can't." "You haven't got the book." " What book?" " How to Make Your Husband Happy." "Well, it might interest you to know that I went back and bought it." "Does it tell you how to make a man happy whom you don't love?" "Now, look here, Cousin Henry." "Albert's a fine man." "Yes, he is." "He's good, and - and he has integrity." " And he's full of high ideals." " Do you love him?" "Well, I'm gonna make him a very fine wife." "At least I'm gonna try my best." "There'll never be a moment in his whole life when he'll ever regret having married me." "And if you ask me one more question, I'm gonna leave this room, and I'll never come back again." "Never!" "I still can't understand it." "An angel like you and Albert." "It" " It doesn't make sense." "Why do you want to marry him?" "Well, you see, I always wanted to live in New York." "I don't want to say anything against Kansas... but life on my father's estate " "Don't misunderstand me." "We have all the modern conveniences and luxuries, but " "Oh, and you don't know Father and Mother." "Well, I've" " I've only just met them." " Don't you think they're sweet?" " Well, yes." "Very sweet." "Yes, they are." "But it's not very easy to live with them." "You see, most of the time they don't talk to one another." "And whenever a young man - and there were some very nice ones " "Oh, I'm sure of it." "If one of them asked for my hand and my mother said yes, my father said no." "And when my father said yes, my mother said no." "But Albert came at one of those rare moments when they were both on speaking terms." "And if I hadn't said yes... who knows when my parents might have been talking to each other again?" "I might have spent the rest of my life in Kansas." "Don't misunderstand me." "I love Kansas." "It's just that I don't feel like living there." "Besides that..." "I didn't want to be an old maid." "Not in Kansas." "Well, you're going to live right here in New York, and you don't have to marry Albert." " I don't know what you're talking about." " Yes, you do." "You're gonna get married, but not to Albert." "And yet you won't even have to change the initials on your linen." " You're going to marry me." " Oh, we can't do that." "How can I marry you?" "I'm not even engaged to you." " Martha, do you love me?" " I hardly know you." "You don't need to know anything when you love." "Love needs no introduction." "You love or you don't." " You don't know what you're saying." "You must be out of your mind." " Do you love me or don't you?" "Trying to take away the fiancée of your own cousin, causing a family scandal." " Do you love me?" " Yes." "Oh." "Oh, why did you ever come into my life?" "To make you happy." "To hold you in my arms forever." "I'll never be able to look my father in the face." " I'll never be able to go back to Kansas again." " Isn't that wonderful?" "Oh, I wish I were dead." "Look, let's get away." "Let's get married immediately." "Right away." "Tonight." " You mean elope?" " That's what I mean." "But where would we go?" "Oh, I never did such a thing before." "I feel so helpless." "I haven't got a thing with me." "Oh, I wish I were dead." "When Romeo and Juliet ran away, they didn't stop to say good-bye." "When Leander swam the Hellespont to his beloved, he didn't bother to take a suitcase." "When Tristan falls in love with Isolde, they have to sing for three and a half hours." "All I'm asking you to do is hop into a cab and drive to the first justice of the peace." "What are we waiting for?" "Was that Henry and Martha?" " What happened?" " They left in a cab." "They're going to get married." " Married?" " Married?" "Married?" "Oh, Randolph, where does he get it from?" "Now, now, Bertha." "Keep a stiff upper lip." "Sir, I am still too dazed to express myself clearly... but I assure you that the sentiments of our family are with you." "If this happened at home, my husband would jump on a horse and lasso them back." "Don't you tell me what I would do." "But there's one thing I am going to do - disinherit her." "She'll never see another nickel of mine." " We came here from Kansas a happy family." " Well, anyway, a family." " We loved our Martha." " Don't mention her name again." "And if she comes crawling back to me on her knees... she'll find the door closed - and don't you open it." "Please, dear family... thank you, thank you for your efforts to comfort me in my bereavement... but I feel there are others who need even more consolation than I do." "Uncle Randolph and Aunt Bertha... you will have to forget as the years pass by that you are the parents of the guilty party." "And you, Mr. and Mrs. Strable - well, there's very little I can say to sustain you." "And to you, Mrs. Cooper-Cooper..." "I offer our deepest apology for the unfortunate interruption of your beautiful aria." "I would like to go on, but the strain is too much." "Flogdell." " Do you know where they were going?" " No, sir." "Flogdell, we've been together for 30 years." "You've never lied to me." "Now tell me." "Do you know where they were going?" " Yes, sir." " Get your hat and coat." " Very well, sir." " Get a cab and tell the driver to go like lightning." " Very well, sir." " I think they should have a honeymoon, don't you?" " I think so, sir." " Then hurry, hurry, hurry!" ""She was packed by E.F. Strable..." ""to be served at Albert's table... but that Henry changed the label. "" "That's poetry." "In the next 10 years old houses were torn down." "New houses rose taller and taller." "New York was changing all over." "But our marriage had lasted just like our two-story gray-stone house." " Good morning, Flogdell." " Good morning, sir." " Oh, you're a new man, aren't you?" " Yes, sir." " How long have you been here?" " I should say about a year, sir." "Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes." " Shh!" "Jackie." " Good morning, Daddy." "You know very well you're not supposed to bounce that ball until your mother is up." " I'm sorry, Daddy." " I've told you this many times." "And I'm always sorry, Daddy." "Daddy, I'll bet you'd like to know what I'm gonna give you for your birthday." " I'm dying to know." " It's something to wear." " Let's see now." "Uh, is it a tie?" " I'm not telling." "I'll give you a hint." "It has 22 colors in it." "No tie can have that many colors, so it can't be a tie." "It can't be, huh?" "Now, I'm not saying it is a tie... but if it were a tie, there wouldn't be another one like it in the world." " I can believe that, Jackie." " Daddy, how old are you going to be?" " Thirty-six." " That's pretty old, isn't it?" "Uh" "Well, I never thought about it, but I guess it is." "Daddy, when you were as old as me, what kind of a kid were you?" "Well, I was very obedient." "When my parents told me to go to bed, I went without arguing." "I did my schoolwork, brushed my teeth every morning." "Gee, Daddy." "I guess you were a wonderful boy." "Well, I suppose I was." "Then old Grandpa must be a terrible liar." "Well, good-bye, Daddy." "Where does he get it from?" "Good morning, Grandfather." "How are you feeling?" " That's fine." "Morning, Mother." " Good morning, Henry." "Mother, I want you to look at this." " Do you think Martha will like it?" " Oh, it's beautiful." "After 10 years of me, she's entitled to it." "Yes." "Ten years next Tuesday." " And you'll be 36." " Mm-hmm." "Oh, if your dear father could be here and share this happiness with us." "I always thank heaven he lived long enough to see you settle down, become a fine husband... a good father and a wonderful son." "Well, it's all Martha." "And only Martha." "You know, Mother, I'm the luckiest man in the world." "Yes." "She's a fine wife, and she has a good influence on you." "And she's pretty lucky herself." "Yes." "Don't be a mother-in-law." "By the way, isn't she coming down to breakfast?" "I didn't go into her room." "The opera lasted till after midnight, so she's probably tired." "Thank you." " Anything serious?" " No." "No." "Nothing." "Uh, excuse me." "I'll be right back." "Where is she?" "Let me see that telegram." "It's just something personal." "It has nothing to do " "So, you don't trust me anymore, hmm?" "I'm getting too old." "Henry... you mean we've lost Martha?" "It's impossible." "It's incredible." "It just doesn't make sense, Martha leaving me." "What did you do?" "What happened?" "I don't know how I can go on living without her." "Grandpa, I love Martha." "I love her more than anything in the world." "I didn't ask you that." "I asked you what happened." "I don't know." "I always thought she was very happy with me." "I don't know what she's heard." "You know how people talk about anybody." "No man is perfect." "But running away like this " "Believe me." "I" " I can't see any reason for it." "If a woman like Martha runs away from her husband, there must be a reason." "Now look here, Henry." "You were the only Van Cleve I ever really cared about." "I loved you." "You were like me - at least I thought so." "You were all the things I wanted to be." "You did all the things I wanted to do and didn't." " And now you've let me down." " Grandpa, I can't live without her." " What" "What am I gonna do?" " That's up to you." "But let me tell you one thing." "I'm an old man." "I might have to go any day now." "And if you can't make Martha forgive you..." "I'll be waiting up there right in the entrance." "And if you ever dare to climb up that ladder..." "I'll hit you on the head with a baseball bat." "Jasper!" " Jasper." " Jasper!" "Jasper." "Jasper." " Yes, sir?" " Where are the funny papers?" "Uh, boss, well, now, you see " " Get 'em, and get 'em right now!" " Yes, sir." " Good morning, Mrs. Strable." " Good morning, Jasper." "Uh, it's terrible bad weather we're having today." "You know, when I see it pouring like this..." "I often wonder, where does it all come from?" "You tell Mr. Strable he'll get the funny papers when I'm through... and not one second sooner." "Yes, ma'am." "I certainly will." "Excuse me, ma'am." "Boss..." "I just had a very fine conversation with the missus... and she says if you'd just be good enough to give the matter a little patience... as soon as she finishes The Katzenjammer Kids I think" "I came down especially early this morning... to find out if the captain got out of the barrel!" "This goes on every Sunday, and I'm not gonna stand it anymore!" " Jasper!" " Excuse me, Mr. Strable." "Yes'm?" "You can tell Mr. Strable the captain got out of the barrel." "Boss!" "Boss!" "Got good news for ya!" "The captain is out!" "Ain't that fine?" " Now you can have a few more cakes." " Ah, just a couple." "I can't see how he could get out of that barrel." "Why, that barrel had wooden slats... nailed down on the top and the bottom... and there were steel bands all around it... and they left it in the middle of the desert." "Now, how could he ever get out of it?" "You eat your cakes while they're nice and hot." "In the meantime, I'll see what I can find out." " Uh, another lamb chop, Mrs. Strable?" " I don't mind." "About that barrel, the way he got out of it was, a friendly snake came crawling " "Don't tell me!" "You know it's no fun unless I read it myself!" "What are you trying to do, ruin my Sunday?" "Will you tell Mr. Strable I was talking to you?" "Jasper... the snake came crawling along in the desert... wound itself around the barrel, and then, crunch!" "I can't live in this house any longer!" " Mr. Strable." " What do you want, Daisy?" "There's a gentleman here to see you say he's from New York." " His name is Van Cleve." " Van Cleve?" "That's the gentleman's name, yes, sir." "The nerve of him, trying to walk into this house." " Tell him to go back where he came from." " Yes, ma'am." " Wait a minute, Daisy." " Yes, sir?" "Maybe I ought to see Mr. Van Cleve." "And if I wanna see him, he'll come in." "And if I want him to stay here, he'll stay right here!" " Now, Daisy..." " Yes, sir?" "go tell that man if he's not off these premises in 10 seconds, I'll wring his neck!" "Yes, sir." "I'll most certainly tell him." " Jasper, get me some fresh hotcakes." " Yes, sir." "Excuse me, sir, but maybe somethin' done happened to Miss Martha." " You talk too much." " Yes, sir." " Jasper." " Yes, ma'am?" "Tell that man to come in." "Yes, ma'am." " Hurry up." " Yes, sir!" "Mr. Van Cleve, if you please." "How do you do?" "Oh!" "It's the other one!" "It's Albert." "Hello, Albert." " How do you do, Mrs. Strable?" " How do you do?" " How do you do, Mr. Strable?" " Well, we haven't seen each other since " "Not since that ill-fated occasion 10 years ago tomorrow." " Mmm." "Had breakfast?" " Yes, thank you." " Well, sit down anyway." " Thank you." " Got some business in Kansas?" " No, I was on my way to California." "But I said to myself, why shouldn't I stop and pay my respects to those charming Strables?" " Well, what do you want?" " Nothing." "Nothing in particular." " Good." " Oh, yes!" "There is one bit of news." "I'll bet you can't guess whom I met accidentally on the train." "Probably not." " How's business in New York?" " Very good." "Well, I don't want to keep you in suspense any longer." "I met your own daughter, Martha." "Don't mention her name in this house!" "We don't want to hear anything more about her." "My dear friends... speaking as a jurist, may I say that even in our penal code... we have wisely provided a system of parole... and I have excellent reason to believe that the party- whose name I, naturally, will not mention in this house - has amply paid for her mistake." "Good." "And I am sure there is nothing she'd like better than to come back to the paternal nest." "So she wants to leave him, and now she remembers us." "Not a chance, Albert." "That's final." "Well, she's waiting in a carriage... in front of this very house." "Who?" "Martha?" " Martha?" "Here?" " Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Strable." "Shall I bring her in?" " Well, I don't know what Mrs. Strable thinks." " Well, I " " And I don't care." " I don't care what you think." " She might just as well come in and stay till after the rain's over." " All right." "Oh, Martha!" "Martha!" "Hello." " Hello, Father." " Hello." " Hello, Mother." " Hello, Martha." " Welcome home, Miss Martha." " Thank you, Jasper." " We all missed you." " Get outta here." " You talk too much." " Yes, sir." "Well, I assume there are things between daughter and parents... that are better left to the daughter and to the parents." "If you'll excuse me." "Well, I suppose it was a pretty muddy ride from the station in all that rain." "Yes, I suppose it was." "Uh, do you want some breakfast?" "It's Sunday morning." "We got wheat cakes." "Thank you, Father, but I'm not hungry." "Well, the place hasn't changed much, has it?" "No, it looks exactly the same." "Maybe now you'll appreciate your home." "It took you 10 years to find out that we were right." " If you'd listened to your mother" " And your father, things might have been different." " I think I'd better be going." " Oh, you're getting touchy, huh?" "Well, if anyone has a right to be angry, it's us." "But we're willing to let bygones be bygones." "After all, we're not made of stone." "If a daughter comes home and is sorry" "I'm not sorry, and I don't want your forgiveness." "Then what did you come home for?" "I came here because I felt I wanted to see you." " If you expect me to get down on my knees " " Now, now, now, now, forget it." "After all, you were young, and it probably was all the fault of that " "Please, Father." "I don't want to hear a single unpleasant word about the last 10 years, or I'll have to go." "Martha." "You look so tired, dear." " Well, no wonder." "After all " " Can't you keep still?" "It's all dead and buried, and let's forget it." "Come on." "Let's go upstairs." "You're going to have a nice, hot bath, and then you're going to lie down and rest." "Now, how's that?" "Huh?" "So he really got out of that barrel." "Well, what do you think of that?" "Jasper!" "Jasper!" "What's all that noise about?" "Just had a talk with Mr. Chuck." "He say somebody said they saw a couple of prowlers on the grounds." " Maybe some of them horse thieves." " Well, tell Chuck to keep after 'em." " Yes, sir." " If necessary, shoot 'em." "Yes, sir." "Excuse me, Father, but if you don't mind, I think I'll go upstairs." "I'm getting pretty tired." "Good night." " Good night, Martha." " Good night, Mother." "Good night, dear." "Remember, breakfast at 7:30." "Yes, Mother." "Good night, Albert." "Good night, Martha." "Martha?" "Well, Martha, I want you to have a restful night." "And why not?" "Your troubles are actually over." " I suppose you're right." " I know I am." "You paid for your mistakes, and paid dearly." "Now, I don't want anybody to get the impression that I've been the victim of 10 years of misery." "Nothing of the kind." "On the contrary, I can say there were moments in my marriage... which few women have been lucky enough to have experienced." " There were times when you were lifted way up to the sky..." " Yes, way up." "only to be dropped way down afterward." "That's not the purpose of marriage." "Marriage isn't a series of thrills." "Marriage is a peaceful, well-balanced adjustment of two right-thinking people." "I'm afraid that's only too true." "Well, good night, Albert." "Uh, Martha, there's... one other thought I want you to sleep with." "My feelings for you have remained unchanged." "That's very kind of you, Albert, and I'm touched." "Naturally, I'm not the flashy type, like some people." "I'd say I was rather on the conservative side." "If I were, for instance, a suit of clothes, you wouldn't call me a stylish cut." "And I prefer it that way." "But I can safely say I'm made of solid material." "I'm sewed together carefully and my lining is good, Martha." "Frankly, I believe I wear well." "I'm... not too hot in the summer... and I give protection in the winter." " Need I say more?" " No, Albert." "You've given a complete and accurate description of yourself." " Good night." " Thank you, Martha." " Miss Martha?" " Yes?" "Excuse me." "That horse thief we were looking for" " Did you catch him?" " Yes, ma'am." " He's in your room waiting for you." " In my r" " You mean " " Yes, miss." "That's him." "Martha, darling, sweetheart " "How could you do a thing like this to me?" "Don't you realize what I went through?" " Oh, Henry" " Running away like that without a word!" "Can't you imagine how I suffered?" "How could you do this to me?" "Oh, Martha, Martha." "Henry, it won't work anymore." " What's Albert doing here?" " I met him by accident on the train." " He was very nice to me, and " " Accident?" "You expect me to believe that?" "Here I am, looking all over the world for my wife, going insane with despair." "And where do I find her?" "2,000 miles away in a lonely country place with another man." " I don't see how I can stand any more." " Henry, it won't work." "Very well." "If it comes to the point where a woman doubts her husband's sincerity... there's nothing more to do." "Everything is over." "Good-bye, Martha." "Good-bye, Henry." "Martha, I really mean this." "I'm going." "I know you mean it, Henry." "All right." "Just give me five minutes to pull myself together, and you'll never see me again." "Never, never." "Oh, Henry, I know your every move." "I know your outraged indignation." "I know the poor, weeping little boy." "I know the misunderstood, strong, silent man... the wounded lion who's too proud to explain what happened in the jungle last night." "So, I'm a fake." " I'm false, I'm cheap." " Oh, Henry, please " " I know I've brought you nothing but unhappiness." " You know that's not true." " Oh!" "So we had some good times together." " Some wonderful times." "Then what do you want?" "What did I do?" "Even a murderer has a right to defend himself." "You can't hang a man without evidence." " I know." "If I only knew what particular thing is in your mi " " Have you seen Aunt Minetta recently?" " Yes, of course." "Oh, well, now everything is clear." "This is something I didn't even want to mention to you, it's so unimportant." "When she saw me, yes, I was at the Plaza having tea... and at the table with me was a very handsome young woman, but there was nothing to it." " I would have explained to you myself" " But you didn't want to make me uncomfortable." " Even for one second." " That's right, darling." "That's exactly right." "Henry, it won't work." "And besides, Aunt Minetta didn't say one word about you." " And as for the young lady at the Plaza " " Darling, I can easily explain that." "Oh, I know you can." "You're a master at that." "All right, all right." "I'm fighting a losing battle." "I don't love you." "I never loved you." "I love everybody in New York more than you." "There you go again." "It's the 25th of October." "Many happy returns." "Thank you, Martha... but it's something much more important than my birthday." "It's our anniversary." "Ten years ago today, I was almost as much in love with you as I am right now." "It's very difficult for a woman to send her husband away on their 10th anniversary... especially when he speaks as beautifully as you do." "But I must do it." "All right, darling." "I know it's all over." "I'm sure you'll find someone else who will be... really worthy of you." "But let's pretend... just for a minute." "Happy anniversary." "Do you like it?" "I'd say it cost at least $10,000." "For that money, it's a very good purchase." "Why, Martha, how can you talk like that?" "If you'd only forgotten to give me this bracelet..." "I probably would have been foolish enough to be in your arms right now." "You've no idea what a mistake you made." "The magician played one trick too many." "The other day I was having a new photograph made ofJackie and me." "I wanted to have it the right size to fit into your wallet." "So I slipped into your room." "This fell out of your wallet." "And I don't ever remember having received any bracelet from you on or about May 2." "Oh, so that's what it's all about." "And to think that you went through all this just because the jeweler made a mistake." "And that what the whole thing is - a mistake." "Naturally, I didn't buy a bracelet for $500." "Has Cartier ever made a mistake in any of our bills before?" "Darling, I love you." "I think you're the most beautiful, adorable thing in all the world." "Do you really believe there's any woman good enough to take me away from you?" "And if there were such a woman, do you think she'd be worth only a $500 bracelet?" " Henry, I " " Darling, I'll make you a bet." "If Cartier doesn't admit that this whole thing is a terrible mistake " " Then you won't buy there anymore." " Henry, it won't work." " Grandpa!" " Martha, my darling." "Come on, come on." "Let's get started." "Let's pack." " Grandpa, what do you mean?" " Naturally, you're going back with us to New York." "What are you standing there for?" "You're making a pretty bad job of it." "Come on, sweep her off her feet, or we'll miss the next train." " If I can't make her happy, then I don't want her to come back." " Yeah, that's better." " No, I mean this seriously." " That's why it's good." "Look, Martha, let's face it." " You want a divorce." " I see no other way." " What aboutJackie?" " Naturally, I want him." "I think you're right." "I think he should get away from me." " I didn't mean it that way." " But I did." "I adore the boy, and therefore I think he shouldn't be with me." "Well, I don't think a child should be deprived of his father." "Do you want him to grow up to be another Henry Van Cleve... and on his 36th birthday make his wife as unhappy as I've made you?" " Are the rest of your things in the closet?" " Yes." "For instance, do you know what our littleJackie did the other day?" " What?" " He bought some ice cream for a little girl." "What's wrong about that?" "I think it's charming." "But the girl he bought the ice cream for was not the girl he should have bought it for." " It wasn't?" " No." "Little devil." "And when the one little girl found out that the other girl " "Well, that boy got himself into such a mess." "Oh, if I only could have been there." "You should have seen our littleJackie trying to get himself out of that situation." " Did he?" " Yes." "Little girl likes him better than before." "Good." "What a child." " Believe me, he is a problem." " I suppose so." "But when he makes up his little stories " "And you know they're just little stories, but he wants you to believe them so badly... that you wish you could... and finally what can you do but " "Happy anniversary." "I'm still too confused." "I've got to collect myself." " Give her time to make up her mind." " She can do that on the train." " But what am I going to say to my parents?" " Send 'em a telegram." " Sneak out of the house in the middle of the night?" " Exactly." " Like burglars?" " Like thieves." " We did it once before." " Why shouldn't we do it again?" " How many people are lucky enough to have the thrill of eloping twice in one marriage?" " That's it!" "That's it!" " How many women love their husbands enough to forgive them and start all over again?" " Good!" "Good!" "And how many men love their wives enough to lie and say they're guilty when they've done nothing?" " Careful, Henry, careful." " At least nothing that amounts to very much." "I wouldn't go any further into that." "We'd better get started." "I'll see if the coast is clear." " Jasper." "Jasper?" " Yes?" " Everything ready?" " Yes, sir." "Right out in front." "All my life I've wanted to run away with a woman." " Jasper, it's happening!" " Thank you, sir." "All right, come on." " Bye, Jasper." " Good-bye, Miss Martha." "Good-bye." "Albert!" "Come!" "And so, farewell, dear E.F. Strable!" "We'll take Martha!" "You keep Mabel!" "Yippee!" "Then one birthday began following another... faster and faster." "Each year there were more and more candles... and less and less" "Yes, I became 45." "Then came 46... 47... and I stopped counting." "On one of these birthdays..." "Martha and I, just the two of us, went to the Follies." "I'm the sheikh" "Of Araby" "Yes, indeed, he's the sheikh of Araby" "Your love belongs to me" "We're in love We're in love, as you can see" "At night, when you're asleep" "Late at night when the moon is shining bright" "Into your tent I'll creep" "I'll be creepin' when we are asleep" "The stars that shine above" "Way up high in the sky up above" "Will light our way to love" "Will light our way to love" "You'll rule this land with me" "Oh, how happy we will always be" "The sheikh of Araby" "Suddenly I noticed... a very attractive girl coming down the staircase." "To me she was just another attractive girl... but, I must admit, attractive." "Anyway, a few weeks later..." "I happened to fiind out that her name was Peggy Nash... and I happened to hear things about her which made me very eager to meet Miss Nash." " Yes?" " A Mr. Jones to see you." "I'll be out in a minute." " Will you come in, please, Mr. Jones?" " Thank you." " Miss Nash will be with you in just a minute." " Thank you." " How do you do, Mr. Jones?" " How do you do, Miss Nash?" " Won't you sit down?" " Thank you." "Thank you so much for those beautiful, beautiful roses." "When I saw you the other evening at the Follies coming down that stairway, I said to myself" ""That's the girl of my dreams"?" "Uh, that's right." " You see, Miss Nash " " Call me Peggy." "Well, this is delightful." " Hello, Peggy." " Hello, Jonesy." "Well, Jonesy, let me tell you, that note that came with your flowers " " You liked it?" " Who wouldn't?" "It was so full of charm." "It was so sweet." "It had all the quaintness of bygone days." "Really?" "Yes." "You know, men don't write that way anymore." "Why are there so few of you left?" "Miss Nash, to tell you the truth..." "I didn't exactly come up here to be admired as a museum piece." "Now, Jonesy, don't be touchy." " Yeah." "Anyway, Miss Nash " " Peggy." "Anyway, Peggy..." "I'm sure it's a waste of time to talk of the past... when the present can be so lovely that one anticipates a most delightful future." "Oh, thank you, Jonesy." "What a difference." "You know, the moment you meet somebody of today he says..." ""How about it, babe?" "Where do we have supper?"" "The next moment, he pulls out a diamond bracelet." "And before you know it there it is on your wrist." "How crude." "How crude." "Yes, very crude." "And let me tell you... a bracelet hastily presented... is usually selected hastily... whereas a bracelet chosen with care " " Has better stones?" " The very best." "Oh, Jonesy, Jonesy, you make it all sound so wonderful." " But how could I explain such a gift to " " To whom?" "Oh." "Friend of yours?" "Very much so." " Serious?" " I'm afraid it is." "Is there anything I could do to make you forget this young man?" "Jonesy, you're asking a lot." "Just look at him." " He seems very young." " Not too young." "Would it be indiscreet of me to ask who this young man is?" "Come on, Mr. Van Cleve." "Don't you know your own son?" "No, I didn't fall into your trap." "You know, Mr. Van Cleve, girls are awfully smart these days." "It must be rather sad for the great cavalier of the gay '90s... to find his technique is getting rusty." "Yes, I've heard all about the daring Henry." "I understand in my mother's day you were." "And I'm sure you had a very dashing figure." "And now you're a kind of, um... retired Casanova." "You know, it's always the same with men when they retire." "Some grow flowers, and, uh... some grow a tummy." "Miss Nash, my son means very much to me." " He means very much to me too." " How much?" "Oh, yes, that's right." "Of course." "In your day girls used to wait... for the old-fashioned father to come with the big checkbook to pay off." "I'm sure that happened." "Well, that's one thing that hasn't changed." "Shall we say... 5,000?" "Five thousand?" "Oh, Jonesy, you underestimate me." "I'm much worse than that." "To get rid of somebody as terrible as me is worth " "Well, I'll make you a bargain - $25,000." "All right." "I'll send you the money." " Before lunch?" " Before lunch." "Good-bye, Miss Nash." " You've been perfectly charming." " And so have you." " And you hope never to see me again." " I wouldn't say that." "Miss Nash, now that our problem has been solved..." "I would like to ask one slight question." "Not that it matters, but I'm just curious and I would appreciate an honest answer." "I give you my word." "Suppose you didn't know I was Jack's father and you happened to see me on the street... or in a restaurant." "This is just an academic question." "How old would you say I am?" "Well, I'd say about 50." " That old?" " Oh, I'm sorry." " I didn't mean to hurt you." " Oh, no, no." "That's perfectly all right." " Thanks very much." " Excuse me, but how old are you?" "Fifty." "No wonder you get those headaches." "Thank you, darling." "Martha, this is going to be a bit unpleasant." "I've tried to keep it from you for some time, but now I think I'd better tell you." "I know." "You don't love me anymore." "Now, darling, don't try to be funny." "It's aboutJack." "Will you please stop worrying aboutJack?" "If he wants to stay out late, what of it?" "If he's ever going to have any fun, now's the time." "Don't spoil it." "Martha, this is serious." "Very, very serious." "I just happened to learn the boy got into the clutches of a certain girl." "I went to a great deal of trouble - Believe me, it wasn't easy- but I managed to find out who the girl was." " You mean Peggy Nash?" " Ye " "Where did you - How did you know?" "Oh, I forget." "Someone told me." "You go to lunch, and you hear things." "Why didn't you tell me?" "How can you be so placid about a thing like this?" "Darling, why should I excite you?" "I know you so well." "Certain little things get you all worked up, and then you don't sleep." "Then you have to take a pill, and then you don't want to take a pill." "Believe me, Henry, the less attention you pay to them " "Really, these things work themselves out." "Oh, Martha, Martha." "That is one of your greatest charms." "After almost 25 years in New York, you're still the innocent little girl from Kansas." "But, fortunately, I have had experience with showgirls." "And it's a father's function to save his son from the mistakes he made." "If we ignore matters like this, how do you think our boy will end up?" "Just like you -with a girl like me." "No, darling, never." "Where would he find anybody like you?" "He couldn't." "He won't be that lucky." " Aren't you sweet." " I have no illusions about myself." "Martha, if I hadn't met you I hate to think where I'd be right now." "Well, probably outside some stage door... or even inside the dressing room... and having a wonderful time." " Oh, now, darling " " Come on." "Give me a kiss." "Don't let's worry about it anymore." "Martha, I just want to get your viewpoint." "Do you think it would be a bad idea, just to be safe, if I looked up this girl and, uh " "And what?" "Well, maybe, just to avoid complications... ask her to leave the boy alone and, if necessary, buy her off." "Now, Henry, don't even consider anything as foolish as that." "All right, all right, all right." "It was just a thought." " If you want me to, I'll drop it." " Good." "How much did you pay the girl?" "Why, what do you mean?" "Don't I know my Henry and his innocent eyes?" "I beg your pardon, sir, but you've told me to let you know when Mr. Jack arrived, sir." " He's just come in, sir." " Thank you." "Mmm." "You see?" "He's home early for the first time in weeks, and I'll tell you why." "He went to the theater as usual, and she gave him his walking papers." " And the poor boy is probably all upset." " I hope he is." "And, Martha, don't you baby him." "Don't you spoil what I've done." " Hello." " Hello, Jack." "Hello, Mother." "Hello, Father." " How are you, Jack?" " Fine." " You look a little depressed." " Who, me?" "I never felt better in all my life." "Besides that, I could use $100." "A hundred dollars?" "What for?" "Well, I wanna throw a little party tonight, take someone out." "Oh." "I see." "Tell me, whom are you going around with these days, Jack?" "Now, Martha, that's Jack's personal life and we shouldn't pry into it." "Here you are, Jack." "There's your hundred dollars." " Thanks, Father." " Have a good time." " Thanks." " I'm not interested in whom you're taking out." "I'm sure she's all right." "Anyway, it's none of our business whether you're taking out MaryJones..." "Helen Smith, Mitzi Glutz... or Peggy Nash." "Peggy Nash?" "Father, what is this?" "Are you trailing me?" "Where'd you hear that name?" "I don't know." "Martha, where did we hear that name?" "I don't know." "And don't ask me." "Well, uh, uh, one has friends... and, yes, one goes to lunch an " "Tell me, isn't she a Follies girl famous for coming down a staircase?" " Look, we're all grown up, aren't we?" " Why, certainly." " Well, I had a crush on her." " Ah, and why not?" " Why shouldn't he?" " I don't know." "And don't ask me." "I, uh" " I understand she's a very attractive girl." "Oh, she is, and I took her pretty seriously." " Oh, you did, huh?" " Yes, very." " And then after a little time..." " Yes?" " I got tired of her." " Oh." "Oh, you did, huh?" "So then I faced the problem of how to get rid of her." " Things like that aren't easy." " I should say not." " Don't ask me." " I didn't ask you." "I merely made a statement." " Go on, Jack." " After all, what could she do to me?" "I hadn't promised her anything." " You hadn't?" " I should say not." "I wasn't the first romance in her life." "You know, I'm no baby." "But nevertheless, you went there expecting a lot of trouble, didn't you?" "Yes, but to my surprise, she was so big about the whole thing... and let me off so easily." "Oh, she did, eh?" "Well, isn't that fortunate." "Yes." "She was so wonderful about the whole thing, I almost fell in love with her again." "Y" " Oh." "Oh, but it's all over now, and I'm glad of it." " And so am I." " And so am I." "As a matter of fact, I never was happier in my life." "And while we're on the subject, Jack, I think you're getting to the age... where you should start to look around for a really nice girl." "Oh, I don't have to look around." "I've met her already." " You have?" " A wonderful girl." " The most wonderful girl I ever met in my life." " Really!" "Well, isn't that nice." "Tell me, who is the young lady?" "Is she someone I might know?" "A New York girl, perhaps?" "Oh, no." "She comes from Philadelphia." "Oh!" "From Philadelphia." "Somehow Philadelphia always sounds right, doesn't it, Martha?" " Yes, it does." "Tell us who she is." " Yes, tell us." "Well, have you been to Earl Carroll's Vanities?" "You mean this girl comes down a staircase too?" "I should say not." "Not this girl." "This one slides down the bannister, falls in the orchestra... and lands - bang - right on the big drum." "Oh, you'll be crazy about her." "See you tomorrow." "I have to run along." "What's the matter with that boy?" "He's young, Henry." "That's all." "Come on, dear." "It's time to go to bed." "Martha, I want to ask you something." "And don't spare my feelings." "Be absolutely frank." "I always am." "If you didn't know me and you saw me for the first time... on the street or in a restaurant " "Martha, do you think I'm getting a little heavy?" "Don't let that worry you." "As a matter of fact, I like it." "Let me tell you something." "Nearly 15 years ago, when you and Grandfather brought me back from Kansas..." "I still didn't feel that you really belonged to me, and only to me." "I can't put my finger on anything definite... but still, whenever I wasn't with you I was always a little uncertain... and nervous about my little Casanova." "And then... one day I noticed that you began to have a little " "Well, just a little tummy." "Then I knew I was safe." "From that moment on I knew that you were really mine, that you'd settle down." "Now go to bed, darling." "You've had a hard day." " Good night." " Good night, dear." "Yes, we were married 25 years." "We were celebrating our silver wedding anniversary." " Have you seen Mrs. Van Cleve?" " No, sir." "I've been in the kitchen." " Jack, is your mother upstairs?" " No." "I haven't seen her." "Darling." "What are you doing in here all alone?" "Nothing." "I just want to take a little rest." " After all, it's been such an exciting evening." " Nothing wrong, is there?" " No, nothing." " Are you sure?" " Yes, dear." " You're feeling all right, aren't you?" " Of course, darling." "I'm just " " Just what?" "Well, to tell you the truth, I was being a little sentimental... so I came in here for a few minutes." "Ah." "Yes." "This is where it all started." "Twenty-five years ago." "I was " "Yes, I was standing over there by that desk." "No, you were sitting in a chair." "Yes." "You're right." "And then you came in and you stood by the desk." "Then suddenly you started walking toward me... very slowly, very slowly." "I could count every step." "Oh, you were such a frightened little girl." "The closer I came, the more frightened you were." "Darling, I want to make a confession." " After all, we've been married 25 years." " What is it?" "I wasn't frightened at all." " You weren't?" " Not at all." "And when you were walking toward me so very slowly, do you know what was in my mind?" " No." " I thought, What's the matter with him?" "Can't he walk faster?" " And then I ran out into the hall." " But you came back." " Only because I had to sneeze." " Mm-hmm." "I beg your pardon, madam." "You are wanted on the telephone." "Oh." "Hello?" "Yes, I called you." "Well, it's really not important." "Yes, everything is all right now." "I'll call you soon." "All right, tomorrow." " Who was that?" " Oh, nothing special." " Let's go back to our guests, shall we?" " Darling, who was that on the phone?" " I'll tell you all about it some other time." " Why not now?" " Our guests will be wondering where we are." " Now, Martha, who was that?" "All right, I'll tell you." "It's another confession." " My lover." " I don't think that's funny at all." " Are you jealous?" " Oh, don't be silly, Martha." "But why can't you tell your husband whom you talk to over the telephone?" "Besides, I wouldn't have brought it up right now, but just the same... for the past several weeks you've been going out in the afternoons... and you've always managed to avoid telling me where you were." "You are jealous!" "Henry, at last, after 25 years!" " Thank you, darling." " Martha, whom did you talk to?" "Darling, don't be a baby." "What dashing young cavalier would be pursuing me?" "Plenty." "You're still very attractive, and - and you know it." "Henry..." "I don't think you realize how sweet you're being at this moment." "No husband could have said anything lovelier to his wife on their 25th anniversary." "Imagine if, 25 years ago, I hadn't sneezed." "I wouldn't be the happiest woman in the world right now." " Are you?" " Yes, Henry." " Now, who was it?" " I'll tell you tomorrow." "I am not going to leave this room until you tell me." "Well, knowing my obstinate little boy" "You promise to be sensible and not make a mountain out of a molehill?" " I promise." "Now " " Well, you know how women are." "We have too much time on our hands, and we begin to imagine there are things wrong with us." "And I'm no exception, so I've been going to a doctor, that's all." "Darling, I feel like a fool." "Now I have a confession I must make to you - I really was jealous." "Martha." "What did you go to the doctor for?" "What's wrong?" " Nothing, really." " So that's why you came in this room." " You weren't feeling well." "Darling, is it serious?" " I tell you, it's nothing at all." " Just a little dizzy spell." " Darling " "Now, you promised to be sensible." "Come on, let's dance." "Martha, what did the doctor say?" "Listen, dear, if I take five drops three times a day... and if you don't worry about me too much... we'll both live to celebrate our golden anniversary." "Now, come on." "Let's dance." "I didn't know it then... but this was our last anniversary." "It was the last time we danced together." "There were only a few more months left for Martha... and she made them the happiest of our lives together." "Sixty." "Yes, I was 60." "Jack insisted on celebrating." "And here are my relatives who came to make this birthday... an occasion of riotous gaiety." "Cousin William- 73." "Aunt Minnie, who admitted to 81." "The total age of this scintillating assemblage... was over 1,400 years." "I believeJack gave this party on purpose... to remind me that I was contributing 60 years to that 1,400." " Good morning." " Good morning, Miss Ralston." " Is Mr. Van Cleve down yet?" " He's having his breakfast." "Oh." "Thank you." " Good morning, Mr. Van Cleve." " Good morning, Miss Ralston." "Sorry to get you up so early, but I want these two letters to leave on the 9:30 plane." "Yes, Mr. Van Cleve." "When you get back to the office, please see that I get a complete domestic report... from every department before noon because I may go to Chicago." "Very well." "Now, uh, there's just one little thing." "It's, uh" "Well, a letter came in from your father addressed to the board of directors, and " "Is he trying to go over my head again?" " Oh, I'm sure he didn't mean it that way." " What does he want?" "We live together in the same house, and then he writes letters to the board of directors." "What's the old gentleman trying to put over this time?" "He wants the board of directors to vote him a bonus." " A bonus?" " He talked to me yesterday, confidentially." "In case that bonus doesn't go through... he wanted me to persuade you to give him at least an advance on his monthly check." "He shouldn't go to you, Miss Ralston." "Well, I'm gonna give him a lesson." "And, Miss Ralston, if my father ever talks to you again... tell him he ought to be ashamed and that you are in no position to deliver any messages." "Yes, Mr. Van Cleve." " Why, Mr. Van Cleve " " Shh!" " Is he in a bad mood?" " Terrible." "Now, look here, Miss Ralston, would you do me a very great favor?" " Father.!" " Ohh." " Good morning, Jack." " Good morning." "I'd like to talk to you." "Father." "I heard a very funny story." "You'll love it." "It'll start your day off with a laugh." "You ought to be ashamed, coming home at all hours, making a wreck of yourself." "How much longer do you think you can keep this up?" " Please, Jack, don't scold me." " Someday you're gonna collapse." " Do I look that bad?" " You look like a ghost." "I know you're right, Jack." "I know I should change my way of living." "But, my boy, put yourself in my position." "I'm lonesome." "You're always away somewhere on business." "Being alone in this big house night after night, you don't know what it's like." "Neither do you because you're never at home." "But I can imagine what it's like, and, Jack, it's horrible." "Now, my boy, I want to talk to you." "I'm not fooling myself." "I'm not getting any younger." "I think the time has come for me to change my way of living." "You know, Jack, when a man gets to be - gets to be 60... the blood doesn't flow as fast anymore." "Instead of a wild mountain stream, it becomes a quiet little brook." "The other day, when I was sitting here all alone, you know what I felt like doing?" " What?" " I felt like I wanted to sit... in a nice, comfortable chair... and read and read and read." "Well, why didn't you?" "The library is full of books, and I'm sure you haven't read one of them." "Jack, the eyes can't take it anymore." "Why don't you go to an oculist?" "Uh, yes... that might do." "Yes, that might do." "But, uh... on the other hand... what do you think of the idea of having, well, some kind of reader?" "You know, someone with a pleasant voice, nice diction." "I know just what you want." "You mean one of those nice, quiet fellows from Yale or Harvard." "Oh, they're easy to get." " Now, who is she?" " Jack, you have the most suspicious mind." "Come on." "How old is she?" "Well, uh, she's an unusually adult young woman." "I met her at old Wilson Weatherby's." "She was his reader." "Hmm." "The whole thing sounds a little fishy to me." "Now, Jack, why do you want to deprive your old father of a little cultural pleasure?" "I can think of nothing more dignified and homelike... than sitting in front of a fireplace and having someone read a fine book to me." "Something worthwhile." "Something " "Father, her last thought was that you should be happy." "I promised her I'd see to it." "So, if you want this young lady to read to you, go ahead with my blessing." "No, I couldn't do it." "When a man gets to be 60, his life " "Isn't over, Father." "Doesn't have to be over." "If a man is lonely and he feels that he needs, well " "You mean, the feminine touch?" "That's natural." "But I think he should find someone closer to his own age." "Maybe." "Not a girl of, uh " "Twenty-four." "Well, that is a little out of proportion." "I'm afraid so." "But if, on the other hand, he should meet a cultured woman of" "Right." "Someone with real dignity?" "A woman of about 50 or 51." "Or 52 or 53, or even 55." "That's more like it." "Jack, my future looks pretty depressing." "Mr. Van Cleve, you're wanted on the telephone, sir." "Hello." "What?" "Oh, uh, just a moment." "It's for you, "poochie. "" "As a man grows older, his medicine cabinet grows bigger." "This is me at 70." "Now, really, there's nothing to worry about." "But, Mrs. Van Cleve, please " "I know, but it was his 70th birthday yesterday... and I didn't have the heart to keep him from celebrating a little." "I hate to go to that banquet and leave the old man alone." " I'd just as soon stay home." " No, it's perfectly all right for you to go." "In fact, the fewer people around him, the better off he'll be." "Now, Mr. Van Cleve, I'm sorry to wake you up, but it has to be done." "Oh, if I could just " " Now, open your mouth, please." " Oh, go away." "Go away and leave me alone." "What was that dream all about?" "Oh, I was having such a good time." " Just open your mouth." " What was that all about?" "Oh, yes." "The door opened and a man stepped out of a rowboat." "He said, "Henry..." "I've come to take you on a trip from which you'll never come back. "" "Now, please, don't get excited." "And I said, "My good fellow..." ""if I ever take a trip like that, it'll be in a deluxe cabin... and not in a dinky little rowboat that doesn't even have a bar. "" "So I threw him out, rowboat and all." "Good." "Good." "And what do you think he did?" "He came back with a big luxury liner... floating on an ocean of whiskey and soda." "And instead of funnels... there were big, black cigars." "And on top of the bar, sitting in a lifeboat... was the most beautiful blonde... wearing a Merry Widow costume." "She dived into the whiskey and swam right over to my bedside." ""Henry," she said..." ""how about a little dance?"" "And the man from the boat took an accordion out of his pocket... and he played..." ""The Merry Widow Waltz. "" "The girl held her arms out to me... and she started to dance." "Well... with him playing and her dancing... and me up to my neck in whiskey anyhow... well, I put my arms around that beautiful girl... and was just about to dance with her... when, of all people, you cut in." "You." "Yes, you." " Just open your mouth." " Go away, and take that thermometer with you." " The night nurse has just arrived." " All right." " Good evening." " Hello." " First door to the right." " Thank you." "I'd fallen asleep... and suddenly I was awakened by a caressing touch on my forehead." "I opened my eyes and there she was, sitting right on the edge of the bed." "Nellie Brown, Registered Nurse." "Your Excellency... one look at her and it didn't matter whether she was registered or not." "Then she took out a thermometer... and she said, "Open your mouth. "" "Who wouldn't for Nellie?" "And then she put the thermometer in... and my temperature went up to 110." "Who could ask for a more beautiful death?" "Your Excellency, that's the story of my life... and I'd be grateful if you'd push the button and have it over with." "No." "Definitely no." "I hope you will not consider me inhospitable if I say... sorry, Mr. Van Cleve, but we don't cater to your class of people here." "Please make your reservation somewhere else." "Somewhere else?" "But, Your Excellency, if I walk into the lobby of the other place " "You mean, above?" "Yes." "I know what will happen." "They might not even let me register." "The doorman might not even let me in." "Well, you never can tell." "It's worth trying." "Sometimes they have a small room vacant in the annex." "Not exactly on the sunny side... and not so very comfortable." "The bed may be hard... and you might have to wait a few hundred years until they move you into the main building." "Well, it doesn't hurt to try." "After all, they may inquire about you among the residents in the main building." "I think you'll find a lot of people who will give you a good reference, and that always helps." "For instance, there were... several young ladies." " What about them?" " Well, some of them might be there." "And so far as I can see, you've made them all very happy." "Oh." "I'm sure they'd like to see you happy too." "And your grandfather." "Oh, yes." "Grandfather." "Don't you think he'll be waiting for you?" " He might." " He will." " And not with a baseball bat." " Hmm." "And if they all should fail, there's still someone else." "Yes." "She's up there." "And she will plead for you." "Do you think so?" "You know she will." "Yes, Mr. Van Cleve..." "I would say you have a chance - a very good chance." "Anyway, it's worth trying." " Good-bye." " Good-bye, Your Excellency." " And thank you." " Good luck." "I'll need it." "Down?" "No." "Up."