"[Shriek]" "[Shriek]" "Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" "7." "Hello kiddies what's in you?" "I was just in the middle of my deadly dozen." "First I do a few pull ups." "Then a few jumping hacks." "Then I like to finish with a little die impact aerobics." "[Gasping] 8." "I'm getting in shape for tonight's tale." "It's about an ambitious young actress who's looking for her big break." "Will she make it?" "Only herscaredresser knows for sure." "Ha ha ha!" "Ohh..." "I call this dismal drama..." "Beauty rest." "What's your favorite part of a woman?" "The nape of her neck?" "The line of her back?" "Or the shape of her breasts?" "Or just maybe it's her mind." "[Music playing]" "It may be a man's world, but that doesn't mean I have to take it lying down, because I want to compete..." "Whether I'm a ceo or an m.D. Or an m.R.S." "I want to be taken seriously..." "Very seriously." "That's why I never feel fully dressed until I put on ball Buster." "It's not for just any woman." "It's for the woman who means business." "Cut!" "Did you get it?" "Good." "Gentlemen, Helen Curtis." "Helen, you were fabulous!" "Fabulous!" "Really?" "Yes." "Ah, yes." "She's out of town." "Emilio." "I'm sorry." "Did you really mean that?" "Helen, I have been directing commercials for 20 years, and I've never had an actress take direction like you." "Never!" "In a screen test, no less!" "Right?" "I asked you to show me prick." "You gave me the whole goddamn wall!" "You are brilliant!" "Excuse me, Emilio." "Does that mean I got the part?" "As I'm concerned, you're it." "You are the ball Buster girl." "You it." "Done deal." "What do you mean, I didn't get the job?" "Rhonda, you tell him I'd rather eat drano and jump into a bowl of pus, o.K.?" "Yeah." "They went another way." "But the director said I had the part." "It was a done deal." "Well, they undid it." "You got real close." "I thought you gave up smoking." "I did." "Archie, I'm tired of being the bridesmaid." "[Sigh]" "I was perfect for that part." "Iamthat woman." "I know." "You are the ball Buster." "If you know what I mean?" "I've been bashing my head against a wall for 10 years." "Aren't I entitled to a break?" "I know, I know." "So who did get the part?" "Is it really important?" "What does it matter who got it?" "Because I want to know." "Because I want to know." "Honey, you know what I say?" "I say look to the future." "Archie, who got the part?" "Tell me." "Who knows why these things get cast the way they do." "I've been in this business 25 years." "I don't understand it, huh." "Ha ha ha ha ha." "Your roommate Joyce got the part, o.K.?" "Now, don't go blowing this thing out of proportion." "What can I say?" "She impressed the director." "What happened did her orgasm show some acting ability?" "You know how she got this part, don't you?" "She screwed the guy." "That's not fair." "Right." "She's not sleeping her way to the top." "At that rate, who sleeps?" "No, no, no, Rhonda!" "Tell him I'll turn the deal into dog food!" "You got it?" "Good!" "You know what your problem is?" "You've got a rotten attitude." "Because I won't put out?" "Because I think it's what's inside that counts?" "Have you thought maybe your roommate gets these parts because she wants them more?" "I want these parts, but there are some things I won't do!" "Fine!" "What will you do?" "I showedyou what I'm willing to do." "I fired your ass." "Oh!" "Helen, is that you?" "Oh, my God." "I have the best news." "You're never going to guess what happened to me today." "Eat nail polish and die, you little bitch!" "Gosh." "Why are you in such a bad mood?" "Because you're in such a good mood." "What do you got against me having a career?" "Why do the hell do I eat this shit." "Might as well be fat and miserable." "Helen, I don't know what you're talking about." "Why is it that every time someone gets close to casting me..." "You suddenly show up with your legs spread?" "I have never done that." "And that's my ice cream." "So?" "So, that's okay." "I didn't like that flavor anyway." "Eeww!" "I want you out of this apartment." "But it's my apartment." "Go to hell." "Helen, would you calm down?" "Let's talk about this." "I thought that we were friends." "Don't ever say "friends" in relationship to us." "You got me?" "No friend would ever do to me what you did." "But I haven't done anything." "I swear it." "Really?" "Oh, good." "Doughnuts." "What about rubina's car mart?" "What about bon voyage cruises?" "What about ball Buster?" "It's like competing with a sperm bank." "Ball Buster?" "You mean I got ball Buster?" "Ha ha ha." "Yes!" "You didn't even know?" "Then what the hell are you so damned happy about?" "You know this guy I've been seeing--Tom?" "Well, he's in charge of this beauty pageant for some trade show or something, and, well, he's going to make me the winner." "See, he gave me this note, and..." "Uhh..." "You make me sick." "You make me so sick." "It's not what you're thinking." "I really like this guy." "That's what the note says?" "No." "The note's for the guy emceeing the pageant--George." "Don't talk to me." "Joyce, don't talk to me." "Just don't talk to me!" "[ Demonic whispering ]" "Hi." "Joyce." "I brought a little peace offering." "Really." "That's so sweet of you." "I'm sorry." "I--I guess I just got frustrated." "You know I been plugging away at it for so long..." "I got so little to show for it." "And you just waltz in here with not one job but two." "Hey..." "It's o.K." "I know how you feel." "Thanks." "Would you mind getting my necklace?" "Oh, sure." "Boy, this is, uh..." "This is really beautiful." "Thank you." "The truth is, I really admire your ability to get what you want." "Do you get any money for winning this contest?" "Uh..." "I think, um..." "I think the winner gets, um..." "[Sighs]" "They get to be, like, the spokesperson for the company." "Something like that, you know?" "Oh, really?" "That's interesting." "Um, what's it for?" "You know, I think I forgot to ask." "Ha ha ha." "You." "Isn't that silly of me?" "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "Ooh." "Ha ha ha!" "Yeah." "I'll make sure she gets it, George." "Sweet dreams, you little tramp." "By the time you wake up, your spokesmodeling job will be mine." "Now, I want you to take it easy." "By the time I get..." "Back..." "Joyce?" "Joyce?" "God." "Oh, God." "[Gasps]" "Don't be dead." "Please don't be dead." "This..." "This is not my fault!" "I'm not going to jail for you." "You don't deserve it." "I'd rather kill myself." "[Imitating joyce] "The direction my life has been going in" ""has been downhill for so long..." ""I can't take it, and so I'm too depressed to go on living anymore."" "[As herself] The end." "Why wouldn't you be depressed?" "You talked all the time about killing yourself." "That's what I'll tell the police." "When they hear what a sleazy reputation you had." "They'll probably wonder why you didn't off yourself sooner." "Hi, I'm looking for George." "Great, thanks." "I have an hour?" "That's right, miss Palmer." "At 7 the pageant begins with the review of the contestants." "And then we do ball gowns, then the swimsuits, then the interviews, and then the judging." "Who exactly is judging this?" "A panel of experts, of course." "Excuse me." "I'm sorry." "Are--are you George?" "That's right." "And you are..." "Actually, if I could talk to you privately for a moment..." "Of course." "Did that answer your question?" "Yes." "Thank you, George." "You're sweet." "Yes." "Thank you, George." "You're sweet." "I think I should show you this first." "Tom gave you this?" "Mm-hmm." "Well, if that's what Tom wants..." "Really?" "I can work with it." "O.K." "Oh, what the hell." "Knowing who the winner is going to be now means that the crew can set up for the grand finale that much quicker." "Have you known Tom a long time?" "No." "Just..." "Just that once." "Ha ha ha!" "That Tom." "I like a girl with your..." "Qualities." "Thank you." "Let's put you in dressing room 7." "First door on the right." "George, thank you." "Hi." "You must be my next-door neighbor." "I know what you're doing, and I think it's disgusting." "What?" "Not that this contest is a big deal to me, but even if it was, I wouldn't stoop to your level." "I wouldn't fuck some stranger just to get a break." "I wouldn't fuck some stranger just to get a break." "Up yours." "You don't know what you're talking about." "I know you slept with Tom so you could win this thing." "Look, it's not what you think." "I bet it's worse than what I think." "Probably unsafe sex." "Who are you to come in here and give me-- oh, I'm sorry." "It's o.K." "I'm just leaving." "You know, honey, two can play this game." "You two girls got a problem?" "No." "No." "We're old friends." "We need to see you in your costume, check it against the lights for the grand finale." "O.K." "Oh, George?" "I don't want to sound stupid, but when I become the company spokesmodel, what exactly will I be selling?" "Well, more than anything else, you'll be selling yourself, who you are..." "Inside." "That's really poetic." "Thanks." "George:" "Was you last day on earth?" "I've always been a natural kind of a girl, so I suppose I'd go to the country." "And I'd look at the flowers and the trees, and the mountains and the fresh air." "Of course I couldn't see the air because it's invisible." "But I'd breath as much of it as I could." "And that's what I'd do if today was my last day on earth." "Thank you, Sheila." "Let's hear it for contestant number eight, Sheila." "[ Applause ]" "Thank you, Sheila." "Thank you, Sheila." "And now ladies and gentleman for our last contestant of the evening." "Won't you give a warm round of applause for Helen." "[ Applause ]" "How are you tonight, Helen?" "I'm fine." "Very happy to be here." "Are you ready for your question?" "Yes, I am." "O.K." "Tell us then, Helen," ""in your life, what is the one thing" ""you feel most guilty about doing, and why did you do it?"" "[Audience murmurs and laughs]" "The, uh..." "The, uh..." "What makes you think I'm guilty?" "We've all done bad things in our lives, haven't we, George?" "But I have no regrets, because, no matter what, I've been true to myself, and after all, it's what's inside that counts." "Right?" "Good answer, Helen!" "Let's hear it for Helen, and let's hear it for all our fine young contestants." "[Applause]" "And now, ladies and gentlemen, the judges will make their decision, and in a few minutes, the winner of our pageant will appear in the grand finale." "[Applause]" "Should I wear the headdress for the finale?" "Don't worry about it." "George." "What the hell kind of question was that?" "We have to talk." "This note..." "It doesn't exist." "It never existed." "I'm sorry." "Wait a minute." "Does this mean I don't win?" "It's that bitch drusilla, isn't it?" "It's out of my hands, honey." "It's out of your pants, you mean." "How does it feel to be a whore?" "And a hypocrite." "Hypocrite?" "I'm impressed." "That's a big word for a little slut like you." "I'm a slut?" "That's the pot calling the kettle black, don't you think?" "You fucked him to win the contest, didn't you?" "Yep." "You could say that." "You should've seen George's expression when I said I'd sue him." "Sue him?" "For sexual harassment." "I told him I'd call the police, call the newspapers." "This business of sleeping with someone to win is bullshit." "I bet girls like you love the casting couch." "Degrading sex with some sweaty stranger is probably easier than memorizing lines." "But I-I..." "Spare me." "I know all about the note." "Look, there's something you don't understand." "That note-- it wasn't mine." "I'm not that kind of girl." "Oh, yeah." "So what kind of girl are you?" "Uhh!" "[Choking]" "I'm this kind of girl." "[Glass smashes]" "Nice look, babe." "That suits you." "[Door opens]" "Have you seen drusilla?" "Uh, drusilla?" "No." "She left." "She left?" "What do you mean, she left?" "Well, I was talking to her, and, uh, she changed her mind..." "You know, about that threat she made." "She decided it wasn't worth getting choked up about, so she left." "That works for me." "You still interested in winning this thing?" "You bet I am." "I like your attitude." "Work fast, Rudy." "Don't I always?" "Open your robe." "Oh!" "Great bone structure." "Thanks." "I wasn't talking to you." "I thought we were going for the natural look, or doesn't my opinion mean anything?" "Of course your opinion counts." "You're part of the team." "Wait." "This is too heavy." "It won't look right." "Get your hand away." "I'm really fine with doing my own make-up." "This is the last year I'm doing this." "This whole beauty pageant thing makes me throw up." "We should just take them off the streets like before." "Rudy, Rudy, Rudy." "George, would you make him stop." "How can I model anything looking like this?" "I wouldn't worry about that." "Oh, God." "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "You're going to look just fine." "Oh!" "Aaaaahhhh!" "[Piano playing]" "There's something almost magical about a pretty girl." "Her smile can melt the hardest heart." "And set the thing awhirl." "But pretty eyes and lovely hair." "Are things that will not keep." "So I agree with those who say that beauty is just skin deep." "♪♪ Here she is ♪♪" "♪♪ a picture of grace ♪♪" "♪♪ two vacant blue eyes ♪♪" "♪♪ in an ashen white face ♪♪" "♪♪ though she seems kind of stiff ♪♪" "♪♪ as an ex-human-bein' ♪♪" "♪♪ how far she will go ♪♪" "♪♪ remains to be seen ♪♪" "[Audience oohs and ahhs]" "♪♪ She's charming ♪♪" "Those colors!" "♪♪ She couldn't be nicer ♪♪" "♪♪ what a pleasure ♪♪" "♪♪ it was to slice her ♪♪" "♪♪ she's magnificent, every ounce ♪♪" "♪♪ 'cause it's what's inside that counts ♪♪" "♪♪ how exciting it is to suture ♪♪" "♪♪ a beauty without any future ♪♪" "♪♪ she's magnificent, every ounce ♪♪" "♪♪ 'cause it's what's inside ♪♪" "♪♪ that ♪♪" "♪♪ counts ♪♪♪♪" "Whoo!" "Yay!" "Yay!" "Good old Helen." "Talk about an opening night!" "Now, that's what I call a horrid body." "Well, I got to get back to my workout, kiddies." "Uhh..." "Ooh, I love that burn." "Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" "Captioning made possible by Warner bros. public performance of captions prohibited without permission of national captioning institute"