"Once upon a time somewhere between the Lower East Side and the fiery pits of hell there lived a little town called Chatswin." "Historically, Chatswin was a town that valued its mothers above all else." "And so on the second Sunday of every May they set out to prove it." "Make way for Cinderelli!" "All hail, Cinderelli!" " Happy Mother's Day, Lucille." " Happy Mother's Day, Sheila." "I feel like a princess." "Little much, don't you think?" "Can't help it if my family loves me more." "But $10 well spent on the self-inflated balloons, Glen." "Glen?" "Hyah!" "In the past, the town rule seemed to be if you loved your mother you'd better be willing to go full-page to prove it." "And this year was no different." "It kind of made me glad I wasn't in the game." " Mother's Day weekend, huh?" " Yep." "Any feelings about the big day?" "I'm, uh, more of a Columbus Day girl, myself." "That's a great joke, Tessa." "But sometimes, it's healthy to talk things through." "I'm sure on Mother's Day you must think about her." "I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I don't." "How about you, Madam Surrogate?" "Ever think about all those babies you sold and what they're doing on Mother's Day?" "Oh, that's gonna sit in your colon for a decade." "Luckily, there's plenty of room in my colon after that kelp noodle casserole you made last night." "Really freed up some real estate." "Mm." "And by that, I mean it gave me loose stool." "I'm so glad we went with an endangered animals..." "Wow." "theme for the nursery." " The pelts feel great underfoot." " Pelts?" "Forget about the pelts." "I cannot believe you found an ivory tusk crib." "The interior decorator had some of the animals murdered just for this room." "She really went the extra mile." "There are 950 dead snakes on this wall alone." " And the guns..." " Live." "All live." "You know, you don't see that enough in a nursery." " Not for my tastes." " Oh, Noah." "I can't wait for this baby to get here." "I can't wait for our night nurse to get here." "I feel uncomfortable having intercourse during the last trimester." "I know." "I just thought, since you weren't actually carrying the baby..." "Oh, I may not be carrying the baby here." "But I most certainly am carrying it here." "Live from Zuccotti Park at Occupy..." "What you doing?" "Playing the baby some audio from Occupy Wall Street." "And where does he land?" "With any luck?" "Left of Chatswin." "Are you excited about this baby shower tomorrow?" "If by "excited" you mean, "filled with an impending sense of dread" then yes." "Very." "I am fascinated by this side of you." "You've gone dark on me." "I'm not myself." " I'm irritable." "And pent-up." " Mm-hm." "Sure." " Okay." "You wanna go for a jog?" " No." " Heh." "You wanna grab some lunch?" " Nope." "I wanna grab something else." " Ha, ha, really?" " Mm-hm." "I feel like we've waited so long." "It's your last trimester." "You sure it's not dangerous?" "It's gonna be dangerous for you if we don't." "Means a lot to your mom -you coming home for the shower." " Uh-huh." "Hey, did she tell you we're trying to steal Carmen back from the Royces?" "Wouldn't that be funny?" "The same nanny that raised you could raise your little hermano." "You know what would be funnier?" "If you and Mom raised your own kid." "That'd be hilarious." "Why do you guys need Carmen?" "Why does anyone need Carmen?" "Because she's amazingly helpful." "Because Carmen can easily do things that exasperate most white people." " Well, I hope I grow up to be like Carmen." " Ha, ha, yeah." "You won't." "Are you just not attracted to me..." " ...because I'm pregnant?" " I'm very attracted to you." "But what?" "Just not when I'm naked?" " Because of the big belly?" " No." " Is it because of the veins." " What?" "Is it because of my throbbing, blue spider veins?" "They're from the pregnancy." "Oh." "Oh." "So normally, you're less veiny?" "No." "That's not it." "Then, what, George?" "I couldn't stop thinking about what Noah said." "About how I was gonna give the kid an accidental tracheotomy." "You know what?" "Why don't you stop worrying about Noah's kid and start worrying about your own." " What's that supposed to mean?" " This morning I broached the mom issue with Tessa." " What whole mom issue?" " I think she's in denial." " I think you both are." " Okay." "Eden, please." "I've talked to Tessa about this and she's fine." "Okay?" "She told me outright that she can't miss what she never knew." "She's gotta feel something." "Angry, hurt?" "Unless you people are just some kind of different species out here." "You can't have your mom check out and feel absolutely nothing!" "Eden, you are smart and intuitive and wonderful but you're wrong." "In this case, you're wrong." "I know my kid." "And I'm not gonna force her to pick at a scab that isn't there." "She's okay." "Okay?" "Okay." "Okay." "Come here." "Why aren't you hugging me back?" "In this box, my secret weapon..." " ...for the Mother's Day 5K tomorrow." " Whoa." "They better watch their backs, because I ran track in college." "You must win the 5K every year in these babies." "Actually, this is the first time I'll be in town to compete." "Steven used to always take us away for Mother's Day." "To Israel." " Israel?" " Oh, my gosh, yes." "Every person should make the pilgrimage to Israel." "And not just for the Dead Sea wraps but also, for the fusion cuisine." " Mommy, where's my passport?" " Your passport?" "For Israel, duh." "Daddy didn't want to ruin my Mother's Day by spoiling the tradition." "But Dalia, it's Mother's Day." "I rented a pool-side cabana for us at the club." "I was gonna run the 5K and you were gonna cheer for me." " So you want me to cancel?" " No." "Never mind." "I'm sure the two of you will have a great time." " Happy Mother's Day." " Thanks." "I'll eat a Kabob for you." "I'm sorry, Dallas." "Oh, don't be silly, it's fine." "You know, that's one thing I admire in Dalia." "She puts her own happiness before everyone else's." " Yeah, that's real admirable." " You know what?" "I'm gonna run that 5K." "And when I win, I'll be celebrating in my pool-side cabana with a big old Denver omelet to keep me company." "A Denver omelet might actually be better company." "Especially if it has fresh mozzarella." "Mm, love that." "After I buff her calluses, I will dump the water dispose of the hardened skin shavings and present my gift." " Viscose moisturizing socks." " Boom!" "Can't be beat, ha, ha." "Lisa." "Lisa was still awaiting test results that would prove her mother was not her mother." "Until then, celebrating the day seemed pointless." " I'm gonna hold off this year." " What does that mean?" "Does your mother hold off when your clothes need laundering?" "Did she hold off during your latest bout of pinworm?" "I'm waiting for some very important paperwork." "Ugh, what kind of paperwork?" "You didn't name a star after her, did you?" "People hate that." " Not all people." " I have a present planned that is big enough to be from both of us." "So it will be from both of us." "Reimburse me later." " Your mother's favorite recording artist is..." " James Ingram." "Yes." "I have planned an entire day to his song, "One Hundred Ways" and believe me, I have found every one of them." "When we get to 98, I would appreciate you closing your doors." "Okay, gang." "I just wanna make sure my pit crew is prepared for the race tomorrow." " Fred, Dixie cups." "You on it?" " I'm on it!" "Don't overfill them." "I just need a mouthful." " Gonna be a swish-and-spit." " Swish-and-spit." " Won't swallow." " Whatever." "It's not about me." "Ryan, potassium, soon as I come across that finish line." " Potassium." "Check." " Lisa, medic." "That means bandages, antiseptic wash and a pint of my blood from the freezer." "Just in case." "We bank blood in the downstairs freezer?" "Every day at approximately 3:45, the mail came." "With it, came the hope that I'd get good news about the internship I applied for." "Acceptance from The Village Voice would mean a way out of Chatswin." "And a break from the misery of living with George and Eden." "When I was little, I used to tell people I was gonna be in Destiny's Child." "When you're little, you don't have a sense of what's realistic." "Is that the mail?" "No, it's, uh, 15 dancing elephants." " Of course it's the mail, heh." " Heh." "This is it!" "This is for me!" "Lisa was hoping this letter would prove that she wasn't who they said she was." "I don't understand it." "I felt it in my bones." " Your bones were wrong." " How do you explain the adoption video?" "Maybe they were gonna adopt and then they got pregnant." " I know that I'm adopted." " According to the results, Lisa, you're not." "But you can still grow up to be whoever you wanna be." "Exactly." "It's not the worst thing in the world that your parents are your parents." "I mean, they may not be perfect, but they really love you." "Do you have any idea how ignorant you sound right now?" "In Spain, they have the Running of the Bulls." "Here..." "Get ready to run, you mothers!" "Go, go." "While the mothers of Chatswin ran for their lives we had tickets to a three-ring circus." "Watch your step, everyone." "The cheetah droppings are phenomenal." "The Werners' baby shower." " Hey, there she is." "Jill." "Hey." " Oh." "Congratulations." "Hello, in there." "Hello, my love." "Can you say, "Mommy"?" " Can you say, "Mommy Jill Werner"?" " He can't." "Oh." "Who's got your nose?" "Mommy's got your nose." " I think he loves when I do that." " You think?" "She looks magnificent." "You have been taking excellent care of her." "Well, been trying." "I can't imagine what's going to happen after the baby is born." "She's just gonna shrivel up into a big pile of ash." " I'm gonna get food." " I'm gonna join you." "Eden, wait." "I wanna show you the nursery and I wanna introduce you to the Coen Brothers." " They're going to be filming the birth." " The Coen Brothers?" "Hey, George." "Eden." " Hi, Noah." " Oh, darling put the animals in the cage so people can eat without them jumping on the food?" "On it." "Come on, now." "Hyah!" "Hyah!" "Hyah!" "Yee, yee!" "Hyah!" "Come on, Sheila." "Oh, no." " Yeah." " No, no." "No, no, no." "Not you!" "Not you." "You gotta be kidding me, Fred!" " Oh, Sheila." "Sheila!" "Sheila!" "Sheila!" "Sheila!" "Sheila!" "Sheila!" " I love you!" " Ow, my ankle!" "Dallas!" "Nice hustle out there, fellas." "Any family we should call?" " No." "Close friend, maybe, who could pick you up from the hospital?" " How's my hair?" " Fantastic." " Then call George Altman." " What was that?" "I said, Carmen." "Call Carmen." " Let's go, Mom!" "Win!" " Run, ladies, run!" "Run!" "Let's go, Mom!" "Win!" "Yeah!" "Come on, Mom!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" " Oh, ha-ha-ha!" " Your father screwed the pooch." " Yes!" " But I won anyway." " You sure did, Mom!" "Happy Mother's Day!" "I just think it's a sad statement when a kid decides to spend Mother's Day with her father." " What's that about?" " Heh." "You don't know our situation." "Relax, hon." "We're talking about Dallas Royce." " Hey, Tess, you all right?" " It's just cucumber and cream cheese?" " I mean, why?" " Not a big fan, huh?" " No." " George." " Come quick." "It's Eden." " Okay." " Do you want...?" " No, you stay here." " George!" ""Eden, You okay?" "Look at this place." "Ah, they're monsters!" "What kind of a child are they gonna raise in here?" "There's a club over by that stuffed seal." "This?" "This is a personalized mahogany Louisville Slugger." "But I suppose you could..." "Oh, no." "No!" "This feels like labor!" "I shouldn't be in labor." "I'm not due for weeks." "We should get you to the hospital, get you checked out." "I'm a professional!" "I haven't had a single complication in any of my pregnancies until..." " Until..." " Until what?" "Until Chatswin!" "Eden's feeling some mild discomfort." "We're gonna go to the hospital to check it out." " Meet us there?" "Okay." " Okay." " Oh, thank you, Tess." " It's gonna be okay, Dad." " I'll see you guys there." " Okay." " Meet you at the ambulance." " I'm coming." " Dude, you and Jill stress Eden out." " Eden?" "My baby is in there." "You are high if you think I am just gonna sit home and cross my fingers and hope that everything turns out okay." " Could you do that?" " Follow, dude." "Follow in your car." "But keep a safe distance." "I've been keeping a safe distance, dude." "Look where it got us." "What's all this, Fred?" "If HS violins she loves." "Let them play" "I'm gonna go put your blood in the downstairs freezer." "Dedicate her favorite song" "I'll be in my room." "And hold her closer all night long." "Love her today." "Find one hundred ways." " James?" " Sheila?" " What are you doing here?" " Your husband hired me." "What a coincidence." "I just didn't think I'd ever see you again." "So how you been?" "Uh..." "I..." "I..." "I've been great, heh." "You look good." "With your fine ass." " Thanks, Jimmy." "Heh." " Okay, I'm confused." "I thought James Ingram was your favorite soul recording artist." "He is." "And we dated briefly." "Before you and I met." "Okay, you dated James Ingram?" "How did I not know this?" "I think we should go." "James Ingram wasn't the only secret Sheila had been keeping." "O positive?" "That's technically impossible." "It's not me." "It's him." " Hey." "Everything okay?" " Yeah, false labor." " And the baby?" " Will be fine." "Hey." "Why didn't you tell me about the internship?" "What?" "You didn't get the internship at The Village Voice." "The rejection letter fell out of your coat pocket." "That's howl know." "Oh." "Well, I guess I forgot." " You must be pretty bummed." " No." " No?" "Disappointed?" " Not really." "I'll find something else, you know me." "Do I?" "What?" "Carmen?" "Miss Dallas in the golden sneakers." "She broke the eye of her foot." "Okay." "It's gonna be okay." "Everything is gonna be okay." "Uh, I'm coming with you." "I'm just..." " Tess." " Mr. Altman?" " Yeah?" " Eden's asking for you." "She's not being honest with me, is she?" "I have no idea." "I've never met either one of you." "Right." "Hey." "Dallas." "Wake up." "Yakult?" "Is that you?" "Oh, it's me all right." "The questions is, Dallas, is that you?" "Yakult." "So cryptic." "What were you trying to prove out there today, girl?" "That I'm fast and that I'm strong and that I don't need anybody but myself." "You crazy?" "You need that girl as much as she needs you." " Who?" "Tessa?" " Bitch, ain't nobody talking about Tessa." "Ah, Tessa, I'm so glad you're here." " Can you do me a favor?" "Mm-hm." "Will you call Dalia for me and tell her to come back home?" "Okay." "Do you want me to sit with you for a while?" "I should have made her stay." "El Percocet." "Dallas wanted to see her daughter." "And I don't know why that hurt my feelings." "But it did." "They say a tree is known by its fruit." "Before we moved here, I swear, I never thought about her." "But Mother's Day in Chatswin made one thing painfully clear." "The feeling was mutual." "My mom never thought about me, either." "Tessa?" "I recognized her face from the photos." "My mother's mother." "She was looking at the grandchild she never knew." "But me?" "I was looking at a way out."