"Well, it's 2:07, here on the "Dr Frasier Crane Show"." "I'm Roz Doyle, Frasier's producer, filling in for the temporarily detained Dr Crane." "It's cloudy and 62 degrees outside coming up on 2:08." "Right...there." "Well, let's take a call." " Hello, Lydia." "What's the problem?" " 'l already told you.'" "That was when I was the call screener, now I'm the host." "Tell me your problem and take your time." "'Two weeks ago I got this terrible obscene phone call." "'Now I'm afraid to answer my own phone.'" "Obscene calls can be disturbing." "Luckily Dr Crane has arrived." "I'm sure he knows what to say." "(Panting)" "(Caller screams)" " Time for a break." "We'll be right back." " What the hell was that all about?" "Never mind that." "Where were you?" "Somebody's parked in my space. I had to park six blocks from here and sprint." "My tweed pants were throwing off so many sparks I almost caught fire." "The minute we go to a news break I'm going to put this note on his windshield " ""Dear discourteous driver..."" "Whoa!" "You've said enough right there." "This isn't going to do any good." "You want to make an impression?" "Let the air out of his tyres." " l wouldn't do that." " Why?" "He inconvenienced you." "The world has become uncivilised enough." "I was sorely tempted last night. I went to see "How Green Was My Valley"." "Two elderly women said with the arrival of each new actor," ""Doesn't he look young?" "He's dead, you know."" " Finally I had to just walk out." " Five seconds." "Brenda is on line one." "Hello, Seattle. I would like to start by apologising for being tardy." "Nothing quite so inconsiderate as making someone wait." "Now let's get to Brenda." " Hello, Brenda." " 'Hi, Dr Crane." "'l'm having a problem with my sister." "She's always..." "'Oh, wait a second." "That's my other line.'" "Something tells me I'll be siding with Brenda's sister." "You're welcome (!" ")" "Excuse me." "Could you... (Phone rings)" "Friendly Video." " l think we got that one. I'll check." " Don't you hate that?" "You come to the store and somebody from home gets preferential treatment." "I can help the next person in line." " Do we have "The Invisible Man"?" " Right here." "Thanks." "Yeah, we got it." "Excuse me. I was looking for... (Phone rings)" "Don't even think about it!" "I'm looking for "How Green Was My Valley"." "Huh?" "It is a beautifully acted depiction of life in a town in Wales." "It won five Oscars. lt's a classic!" "Well, this is a shot in the dark, but you might try looking in the Classics section." "You're taking "How Green Was My Valley"?" " l heard it was great." " From me!" "You were next in the line." "is there another copy?" "That would be across the street in our "How Green Was My Valley" annex!" " You're just in time. lt's starting." " l don't get this show." "People send in videos of themselves having embarrassing accidents." "They add cartoon noises and music and everyone laughs." "Boy, I bet that hurt!" " What's wrong?" " l've had it with the ill-mannered world." "Dad, would you mind terribly if I used the TV tonight?" "I went to three stores to get this tape." "I'm dying to see it." "Sure, go ahead." "How many times can you watch a dog get hit with a swinging door?" "Depends upon the dog..." "(Rock music blares out)" "What the hell is that?" "The windows are rattling, the walls are shaking and I am talking to no one!" " Our neighbour's at it again." " Not for long!" " l'm going to take a nap." " You can't sleep in this racket." "I've slept through worse." "In Korea l dropped off in a foxhole." "When I woke up the ceasefire was over and I didn't know about it." "Talk about having egg on your face." "Connect me with the man who's moved into the penthouse." "No, I don't know his name." "He's in the penthouse!" "He has tattoos all over, his body is pierced, and I don't know if I mentioned this but he's in the penthouse!" "(Music stops)" "Never mind." "Has the world lost the concept of common courtesy?" "Am I the only one who is resisting this tide?" "People of Seattle, listen to me!" "We are not barbarians!" "We are not Neanderthals and we are not French!" "Do you hear that you up there?" "That's his own music." "His name is Freddie Chainsaw." "Chainsaw?" "Of the Newport Chainsaws?" "How does an adolescent who barely knows two chords get a penthouse?" "His last album sold five million copies." "Oh, well then, I'll just add that to my list of reasons to die." "Personally, I like it." "But then, we Brits have always been on the cutting edge." "You should have heard the punks in the flat below me." "They'd play the same song over and over." "# Flesh is burning, na na na" "# Flesh is burning # l'm going to have that tune in my head all day now." "Thank you for that, Daphne." "But I've been waiting all day to watch my movie." "(Music blares out)" "Doesn't he ever stop for sex and drugs?" "Hello. I insist on being connected with the young man in the penthouse." "Hello, Mr Chainsaw." "How do you do?" "I'm Dr Crane. I am your neighbour. I live right below you." "Do you have any idea how loud your music is?" "Oh, you do?" "Well, thank you." "That wasn't so bad." "The young man seemed quite amiable." "(Music starts) I'm going out." " What?" " l am going out!" "(Music stops)" " l AM going OUT!" " (Martin) Frasier, keep it down." "Smell me, Niles." " Grandpa." " Exactly." "In the elevator today a woman lights up a cigarette." " Has the world gone mad?" " l know how you feel." "I found a ding in the door of my car." " No note on the windshield?" " No." "And even worse, the rental agency didn't have a single luxury car left." "They stuck me with some vehicle I believe they call a "hunchback"." "No. I think that would be a hatchback." "It's painted panic-button red, with a rear window that pops open." "The hatchback." "There's a novel idea." "Name the car after its most hideous feature." "I presume it was a toss-up between "Hatchback" and "What's that odour?"" "Look, free table." "Go, go!" " The biscotti." " Leave it." "Go on without me!" "Up there." " Check on table one." " Yes, all right." "We're not hovering." "There's no place else to stand." "Just take your time, please." "There's no rush." "A red hatchback is about to be towed." " lsn't that your car?" " Sh!" "Someone will hear you!" "It's about to be towed!" "I don't care if it's careening toward a baby carriage." "Thank you so much." "Have a lovely day." " We were waiting for this table." " So?" "Get another one." "You knew that we were waiting for it." "We just stood back to let those people leave." "Well, you won't make that mistake again." " Forget it." "We'll wait." " No, we won't." "This is about the erosion of common decency!" "You encourage me to be discourteous to another." "And so on and so on." "You don't have any manners, do you?" "Perhaps what you need is an etiquette lesson!" "Sit down." "My brother will have a decaf." "# Flesh is burning #" "# Flesh is burning #" " Hi, how are you feeling?" " Fine." " l didn't ask you how your day went." " What did Niles tell you?" "Nothing." "Jeez, can't I ask you how your day went?" "How was work?" "How's your bad-ass self?" " Damn it!" "Niles blabbed." " No, he didn't." "You made the "People of Seattle" column." "Under "The Crane Mutiny"." ""Three cheers for Dr Frasier Crane, who struck a blow against rudeness."" "All of Seattle knows about my loutish behaviour." "This guy had it coming." "I can just picture it." "He looked at you and he thought, "This guy's a cream puff, a wuss, a wimp..."" " Dad!" " l'm sorry, I'm just so proud of you." "The man who floats like a lepidoptera and stings like a hymenoptera." " l think you're just jealous." " Don't be ridiculous." "This is my favourite part " ""The doctor hoisted the miscreant out on his ear, declaring " ""'What you need is an etiquette lesson."'" "You got your own tough-guy catchphrase!" "It's perfect." "Dirty Harry meets Emily Post." " Come on, show me." "Use Niles." " l will not toss Niles about the room." "No, go ahead." "Rough me up, Mr Big Hero Bully Bouncer." " Did that sound jealous?" " A tad." "All right, I'm jealous." "All my life I've backed out of fights and watching you leap into the fray like that made me think I'd like to experience what you felt." " Your day will come, son." " l tried with my dry-cleaner, Mr Kim." "He'd shattered the mother-of-pearl buttons on my best waistcoat." "Due to his tenuous grasp of English and the fact that his mother's name is Pearl, I was forced to flee his establishment amid a shower of coat hangers." "Good morning, Dr Crane." "And to you, Dr Crane, our knight in shining armour." " Oh, great." " Your assertiveness inspired me." "Some louse has been removing my wet clothes from the washer and leaving them on the table." "I decided to get my revenge." "So I took off my new red panties and popped them in with his whites." " Bravo, Daphne." " Good for you. I wish I'd been there." " Don't you think you were overreacting?" " Absolutely not." "Those were my panties and I wasn't afraid to use them." "Why do you keep backing away?" "We all think you did the right thing." "The newspaper does, too." "I'm going to fix you a proper hero's breakfast." "No." "Please. it's not necessary." "This isn't sitting well with me. lt's hard to believe any good can come of violence." "(Loud music)" "That again!" "Mr Chainsaw." "This is Dr Frasier Crane." "(Music stops)" "Go ahead, Daphne." "Make my eggs." "I wish they'd stop making a fuss." "They will if you quit walking up and down the hall." " You're on in five seconds." " Yes, all right." "Hello, this is Dr Frasier Crane." "Who's on the line, Roz?" "We have Mitch." "He's having trouble with his neighbours." " Hello." " 'Make that had trouble." "'This idiot next door had his leaf-blower going at 7:00am.'" " That's very inconsiderate." " 'l gave him an "etiquette lesson"." "'l grabbed that leaf-blower and smashed it against a tree.'" "Mitch, I must say I'm stunned." "I can't imagine a more extreme response to such a minor infraction." "'l shoved a whole pound of rotten shrimp into his air conditioner." "'Come on, summer.'" "'He asked for it." "So I put 1 00 scorpions in a FedEx package.'" "No matter how provoked you may have been, there is no justification for..." " Setting someone's lawn on fire!" " 'But she doesn't curb her dogs." "'You don't take any guff." "Why should I?" "'" "Rochelle, all of you, don't you realise that your behaviour is just a bit extreme?" "I displayed a minor bit of force to make a point." "I didn't go around smashing windows or torching lawns." " Where does it end?" " 'Are you saying it was wrong?" "'" " Yes." " 'But what you did was OK?" "'" "No, no. I..." "Come to think of it, what I did was...just as wrong." "Who am I to draw the line at the acceptable level of force?" "The next person moves a little farther, until we have scorpions flying through the mail like Christmas bundt cakes." "We must all agree to resolve our differences with reason." "As a matter of fact, I'm going to call the gentleman that I manhandled and apologise to him for not having worked out our dispute in the right way." "The key here is restraint." "I do hope you'll follow my lead," "Becky with the nail gun." "People, please." "There's no need for that. I'm no hero." " No one's ever given me the thumbs up." " l've driven on the freeway with you." "The rest of the hand has been well represented." "There he is." "I'm so glad you could come." "You remember my brother, Niles, and we're at our table." " l'm here, so say what's on your mind." " No need for hostility. I just came to talk." "Talk?" "You're not going to take another shot at me?" "No, there will be nothing like that here today." "I could explain my behaviour by saying that these are stressful times we live in." "But I won't. I had no right to touch you and I accept full responsibility." " l'm glad." "And I hope you all heard that." " You accept my apology?" "I'm suing you. I've got witnesses that heard you admit you were wrong." "But...these are stressful times we live in." " Tough!" "I'm nailing you for assault." " But I hardly touched you." "He's hiding behind lawyers." "What do you expect from a chicken?" "What did you say?" "I was speaking to my brother." "But to put it in language you can understand... (lmitates a chicken)" " This is no time to assert yourself." " Your brother's making trouble here." "What are you going to do?" "Flap me with one of your big fluffy wings?" "Please excuse him." "Don't waste your breath on this hairy, knuckle-dragging troglodyte who's probably the only male who suffers from penis envy." "You look here, buddy." "Are you all right?" "Counter suit." "Oh, my God!" "Nobody move him!" " l barely touched him!" " Then you admit you touched him!" "Niles, I'm here for you." "I promise we're going to get you the best care that this man's money can buy." "Brilliant." "You even got a tear in your eye." "I landed on a fork." "# Hey baby, I hear the blues are calling tossed salads and scrambled eggs" "# Mercy!" "# And maybe I seem a bit confused Yeah, maybe...but I got you pegged!" "# But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs" "# They're calling again" "# Scrambled egg's all over my face!" "# What is a boy to do?" "#" "Good night!"