"[I America:" "Love Comes Without Warning]" "♪ When life was just empty rooms" "♪ For company I talked to the moon" "♪ I danced along to my own song" "♪ That no one could hear" "♪ When nights were silent and dark" "♪ Pd lie in shadows, stare at the stars" "♪ The quiet voice that lifted my heart" "♪ Was always so clear" "♪ It told me" "♪ The chance for love comes without warning" "♪ So don't stop looking for it" "♪ Yeah, love comes without warning" "♪ So be ready for love" "♪ Yours are the eyes" "♪ I have spent my life looking for" "♪ If they're not telling lies" "♪ You were looking for me" "♪ I wanna tell everyone" "♪ Who's waiting in the dark for the sun" "♪ Before your chance in life is gone" "♪ You'll be in the light" "♪ Remember" "♪ The chance of love comes without warning" "♪ So don't stop looking for it" "♪ Yeah, love comes without warning" "♪ So be ready for love A'" "[I dramatic background music]" "[narrator] This film is respectfully dedicated to lonely guys everywhere." "Lonely guys have been with us since the beginning of time." "There's one there." "Poor guy." "Another New Year's Eve alone in the cave." "Even a thousand years from now, the lonely guy will still be there." "Look at this guy." "That couple will go down in history." "All he gets to do is eat roast beef from a tube." "So, all you lonely guys out there, this film is for you." "It's for guys like that guy, Chin Loo Fung, in Canton, China." "He's got 14 married brothers and sisters, yet still eats alone in a Chinese restaurant four nights a week." "It's for Mbui Zumba, another lonely guy." "While he's happy that cable TV has been installed in his area, he'd really just like to meet a nice girl with attractive lip plates." " And it's for Larry Hubbard..." " I'm fifth one back." " That's OK, I'll take over the narration now." " Oh, all right." "Hi, I'm Larry Hubbard." "This is the story of how I became a lonely guy." "I came to Manhattan to be a writer." "While I was working on my novel, I took a job at a greeting card firm." "It was working out pretty well." "What are you working on, Hubbard?" "It's an idea I had for a new kind of sympathy card, sir." ""I know how much your loss must grieve you" "But here's a thought I'd like to leave you" "Although you're sad Remember that" "Now God is petting your pussy-cat."" "Beautiful." " Hubbard, congratulations." "You're moving up." " Thank you." " Get your things and take the front desk." " Yes, sir!" "Finley, Harrison, Annenberg, Leach!" "Stop whatever you're doing." "I want pet cards." "Birthday, anniversary." "And not just cats and dogs." "I Want hamsters." "Fish." "Parakeets." "I was always fucking into things like that." "New York had been good to me." "The best part was, I'd met this gorgeous baHet dancer named Danielle." "She was nuts about me and asked me to move in with her." "Every day at 5.30, she'd have bathed, perfumed, put on a sexy nightie, be waiting alone in a big bed just for me." "Hi, Danielle." "Tarzan is here." "Oh!" "One second While I look through my mail here." "A rejection from a totally new publisher." "They finally know me in this tovvh." "Hiya, honey." "You miss me?" "So What did you do today?" "Anything interesting?" "You gotta get out more often." "You can't mope around Waiting for me." "[Larry whistles]" "[Larry gargles]" "[Sighs]" "This your cigar here, honey?" "All ready for me, I can see, huh?" " You smell good." " I don't believe you!" "You come home, you find me in bed with another man, you act as if nothings going on." "Larry, this is my lover, Raul." "We're lovers." "Understand?" " Hi." "Larry Hubbard." "Nice to meet you." " Yeah, hi." " Have you known Danielle long?" " We're dancers in the same company." " Dancer?" "I thought they were all..." " Well, Ram's hot." " Raul's...all man." " Yeah." "And he's moving in tonight." "After The Nutcracker." "He's bringing his things over in the morning." "Bringing his things over?" "There's hardly enough room for our things." "Your things are going." "I've already packed them." "They're in the hall beside the garbage and you can take 'em out altogether." "I know I'm behaving strange." "Probably real strange." "I've never been in a situation like this before." "I didn't know now to handle it." "I still don't know." "So I was Waiting calmly, patiently, reasonably, until I do figure out how to handle this kind of situation." "Hold it." "I think I got it." "Yes." "Yes." "What the hell's going oh here?" "What is he doing in this bed?" "You disgust me, both of you!" "I'm leaving!" "I never want to see you in my life again!" "[Danielle and Raul shout]" "I think I handled that rather well." "[Danielle muffled] Oh, Larry?" "Don't forget the garbage!" "I had no place to stay, nowhere to go." "There was no one to talk to." "I musfve looked pretty pitiful." "But that's a good thing about living in New York." "At least nobody I knew would see me like this." "[man] Larry?" "Larry Hubbard, is that you?" "Hey, Larry, how are you?" " Jack." "Jack Fenvvick." " Oh, Jack, hi." "You're looking good." " How's it going?" " How's it look?" "Pretty good, huh?" "How's it going with you?" "Just taking a Walk." "I like to get out of the house." "I might jog around the reservoir later." " I heard about you and Danielle breaking up." " It just happened 15 minutes ago." "I just spoke to her." "We were very close." "We had an affair and everything." " When was that?" " About four Weeks ago." "Every morning, after you'd go to Work." "But you knew about that, didn't you?" "Oh, sure." "We had an understanding." "We were very "today" people." "Yeah." "Hey, say hello to my Wife Verna..." "and this is my girlfriend Frieda." " Nice to meet you." " Nice to meet you." "We got an apartment on the West Side." "One big room and a 40-foot mattress." "Any time you're in the neighbourhood, just drop in." "And don't be so broken up about Danielle." "She already dumped Raul." " She has?" " Yeah." "She's living with a rock group now." "Oh." "Well..." "OK." "You take it easy, huh?" "See you around." "Come on, baby." " Hi." " Hi." " Warren Evans." " Larry Hubbard." " Hi, Larry." " Hi." "First-time lonely guy?" "What's a lonely guy?" "My girl Melanie just left me." "Who'd she leave you for?" "Last night, she found some guy robbing her apartment." "They just hit it off." " Gee, that sounds tough." " It was tough." "It's probably for the best." "She's really started to let herself go." "Drank a lot, never bathed, fat." "Hey, don't worry." "You'll meet another girl." " Not like Melanie." " No, better than Melanie." "You're not gonna stay lonely forever, are you?" "I'm not." "Well..." "Where are you headed?" "Guess I have to look for an apartment, huh?" "Take it from an experienced lonely guy." "Be very careful looking for an apartment." "From now on, that apartmenfs gonna be your best friend, if not your only friend." "A lot of guys, just to get off the street, tend to grab the first thing they see that looks better than a Borneo death cell." " Thanks." " My pleasure." "Warren gave me lots of good tips." "It's very important to find an apartment with a feeling of space." "Thank you." "The view is very important psychologically." "For a moderate price, you can't expect anything too beautiful, but a lonely guy should watch out for the depressing ones." "What are you lookin' at?" "A river view is great as long as you're above the river." "And don't be fooled by classy-looking neighbourhoods." "Sometimes your classiest-looking neighbourhoods have the highest crime rate." "[struggling and choking]" "[screaming]" "No!" "Don't live here." "Bad neighbourhood." "What a view!" "And you can almost see the river." "This has the pacing room I need for my novel." "This apartment could really be my friend." "I'll take this." "Fine, but before you can sign the lease, there are a few questions I'd like to ask." "What?" "Do you have any dogs, children or friends of ethnic extraction?" "Do you ever Wear loud jackets or get phone calls after midnight?" "Do you go to discos or dine with people who Want to be in show business?" "Do you ever put disgusting substances up your nose or any other bodily passages?" "Do you own any albums featuring the Rolling Stones?" "Do you know anyone who has ever had a sexually communicable infectious disease?" "No dogs, no children, no foreign friends, no loud jackets, no late phone calls, no snovv business dinners, no substances in bodily orifices, no Stones albums no acquaintance with sexually communicable diseases, but Uncle Harry once got a rash after an affair with a Waitress" "but he covered it with a tattoo of a Chinese dragon so nobody'd notice." "I'll have the lease made out immediately." "You can move in the clay after tomorrow." "You'll fit in here very well." " Thank you." "Do you want to go to dinner?" " I'm a man." "This is getting drastic." "I don't have anything, I just left with a suitcase." "I lost my comb." "This morning I had to brush my hair with my toothbrush." "I clean it out so I feel more comfortable." "It takes about 20 minutes." "Is it OK?" " I was just thinking now good it looks." " I think it's OK." " I should get a comb today." " Oh, you gotta get a comb." "You think that's bad." "I had my yearly physical last week." "They called me, told me I have to come back." "They lost my blood." " Oh, God." " I mean, I can give more blood, but..." "You buy a lot of these, nobody'll notice you don't have enough furniture." "Hey, this one looks nice." " No, you don't want that." "That's got buds." " So what?" "You don't wanna watch life blossoming While yours..." " Isn't." "Yeah." " Well." " Hey, how about a fern?" " Great." " But don't call 'em ferns." "Call 'em guys." " Guys?" "Make 'em feel like your buddy." "You can watch football games together." " Football games with a plant?" " Hey, you never know." " Well, I'll just take this guy right here." " Uh-huh." "Good." "I could use one myself." " Want a sip?" " No, I'm full." " What did you eat?" " Uh...tuna sandwich." " How often do you water this?" " Once a week." "But stay with it a few minutes." "It doesn't like to drink alone." "Seriously." " Have you got your towels yet?" " Jeez, I forgot." "I can get 'em wholesale if you don't mind other people's initials." " They get 'em from divorced couples." " No, I just wanna get dry." "That's kind of sad." "I don't Want to get depressed every time I have a shower." "Listen, you'll probably be depressed anyway." "I gotta go." "I gotta get some furniture." "Hey, doesn't your guy Want to say goodbye to my guy?" "Say goodbye to your friend." " He's still a little shy." " Ah." "' BYE-bye." "' BYE-bye." " Bye." " See you." "[I funky music on stereo]" "[music Off]" "Well, I'd gotten some furniture, but the big news was the phone." "I had to give 'em $500 and a sperm sample, but they finally put it in, so I pulled out my little black book." "[phone rings]" " Let's go." "Come on." " Don't nobody move a muscle." " First National Bank." " Hi, Carol Zall, please?" "I'm sorry, she's all tied up right now." "Would you care to leave your phone number?" "Larry Hubbard, KL 51173." "Oh." "She says she'd love to talk to you and she'll get right back to you." "Haven't lost the touch." " Cops!" "Out the back!" " All right, let's go." " Take some hostages!" " Get the bag!" "All right, kid, you're coming with me." "For some reason, Carol never called back." "I know this guy who's a magician." "He and his friend go into a restaurant and he starts doing tricks for him." "They meet a lot of girls that Way." "So I got this magic book." "Try this." "Take a card." "That's right..." "Look at it." "OK, now stick it back in somewhere." "OK." "Let me shuffle." "OK, out 'em." "OK." " Was it the queen of clubs?" " No." " Was it a club?" " No." " A diamond?" " Yes." " Queen of diamonds?" " No." " Nine of diamonds." " No." " Six of diamonds." " No." " Three of diamonds?" " Yes." "Not bad." "Not bad." "Actually, I felt positive." "There are lots of girls in New York, and it wouldn't take long before I met one of them." "How you doing?" "I'm OK." "How about yourself?" "Not too shabby." " Cigarette?" " Oh, no, thanks." "Do you do this often?" "Well..." "I'm a single guy, and..." "no use in saving it up." "OK, you may get up now." "We'll have you out of here in just a minute." "Got time for a drink?" "They say you should have juice." "Thanks." "I have to meet my boyfriend." "Oh, right." "OK." "Me too." "I really believe that one of these days I'll meet the girl of my dreams if I don't run out of blood first." "I was getting a little depressed." "So I was really glad when Warren invited me over to his place for a little party." "[I rock music on stereo]" " Hi, Larry." " How's it going?" " Good to see you." " What are these?" "Party cut-outs." "I got them at the Lonely Guys Store at 81st Street and Lexington Avenue." "At first, it seemed like a pretty weird idea." "But they're a lot of fun." "They're real good company, too." "You'd be surprised." " Yeah?" " It is surprising." "They move and everything." "I'm just gonna check on dinner." "Fix yourself a drink." "Anything you want." "Thanks." "[knock at door]" "I'll get it." " Hey, how..." " We got a complaint about noise." " You're playing your music too loud!" " Oh." "I'll turn it down." "What the hell's going oh here?" "Uh...just a friendly little get-together." "Can I fix you fellas a drink?" " No, no." "We're on duty." " Oh, sure." " Just keep the noise down, OK?" " Thanks." "Mike, go ahead." "I'll be right down." "I gotta use the can." "Look, mister, I don't have to use the can, but tell me, please," "Where do you get these things?" "They're fantastic." " You mean you're a...?" " Yeah." " A lonely cop." " A lonely cop." "Oh, gee." "You get 'em at the Lonely Guys Store at 81 st and Lex." "Thanks a lot." "Do you know if they got Gene Hackman?" " Warren?" " Yeah?" "Does the Lonely Guys Store have Gene Hackman?" "Yes, but you have to reserve him a week ahead." "Hey, terrific!" "Thanks again." "I really appreciate it." " Thanks a lot." " It's OK." "Come and get it." "Leg of lamb." "If I can tear you away from Dolly Parton." "She's great, isn't she?" "Hey, Warren." "Do you ever feel like getting out and meeting real women?" "Sure." "I'm meeting a great girl tomorrow." " Wanna come?" "Maybe you'll meet somebody." " Well, yeah, thanks." " Who's that?" " Just a friend of mine I don't see any more." "Oh." "Well, here's to..." "Eh!" "[5 funky music]" " God, that's funny!" "You tell a story so well." " Oh, thanks." "Here's another one." "I'm walking down Madison Avenue, it's about 12..." "This is true." " This guy comes up to me, he says..." " Hi, hon, sorry I'm late." " Thanks for sitting in." " I was telling Louise this story..." " How'd the meeting go?" " We got the deal." " That's wonderful, darling." " Great." "Thanks again for sitting in." "I hate to have Louise Wait for me alone." " I was glad to." " Can you do it again next week, same time?" " I'll be about 45 minutes." " Sure." "Enjoy your dinner." " See anybody?" " I'm getting my courage up to talk to that girl." "Ooh!" "She's pretty." " Gee, I don't think so." " Why not?" "I mean, she's really attractive." "Well, hey." " Well, I mean, you know, try." " Well, lvvill." " Hi, I'm Larry." " Hi." "Brenda." "It's OK?" "I hate these places, don't you?" "It's like most of these guys are just here for one thing." "I guess I Want to meet someone I can talk to, just get to know." "Go to dinners with, and museums, art galleries." "I think What I'm looking for is more of a real relationship." "That's great, Larry." "But I just came here to get laid." " Ever think of getting a dog?" " A dog?" "Dogs are great." "They leap all over you, lick your face." "They don't even have to like you." "It's their instinct." "Hitler had a dog." "That dog Went crazy over him." " Adolf Hitler?" " Yeah." "There's this pet shop has this policy." "You don't like a dog, you can swap it for another dog." " That sounds like a good deal." " It is." "I learned a lot about dogs that week." "Don't get a dog that's bigger than you are, unless you're trying to save money on bus fare." "OK." "Here we go." "Here we go, boy." "Come on." "There we go." "If you like to play fetch, don't get a fast dog." "They only show off and ignore your stick." "If they don't come back by nightfall, you're out $300." "Bassets are really cuddly dogs." "They love to get in bed and nuzzle up to you." "The only problem is, they miss their mother and howl all night." "You have to pretend you're a basset too and howl till he goes back to sleep." "[C109 barks]" "[Larry howls] [barking and howling]" "A cute dog attracts women." "But not to you." "To himself." "I come by here every day about this time." "Me and the dog." " Bye!" " Hello." " Hello." " Hello, poochy-poochy." "Dogs have a great deal." " Hey, you!" "What's your name?" " Larry Hubbard." "Why?" " I'm gonna write you a ticket." " Why?" " Your dog just fouled the pathway." " What?" "He pooped." "Excuse me, Officer, but I don't think that poop came from this dog." "No, I'm sure of it." "Definitely not." " Yeah, yeah." " No, Officer, I mean it." "Look, in the last week, I've had five different clogs." "I think I'm beginning to know What kind of poop goes with each dog." "I think I may even say Without undue modesty that I am becoming an expert on poop, and I can assure you that that poop did hot come from this dog!" "Thanks." "I mean, this is a little dog." "That looks like a land-mine!" "God." "Warren." "I gotta meet a girl." " That was your dog's poop." "I saw him do it." " Warren." "I mean, that guy's got a girl." "He had to meet her someplace." "He Wasn't born with his arm around her." "What about jogging?" "Maybe you can meet girls jogging." "Jogging." "I remember when I first saw Rocky, I came running out of the theatre, ran into the park, started jogging, shadow-boxing..." "A guy came up, punched me in the face." "God." "I'm not really jogging." "I only ran about 50 yards." "This is not real sweat, either." "I sprayed it on." "They sell this at sporting goods stores." "It's made from the actual sweat of professional athletes." "This was taken from a Boston Celtics basketball player immediately after a double overtime game." "I think I'm getting hungry." "A...vanilla yoghurt milkshake, please." "Did 22 miles today." "3.06!" "That's my best time ever." " Don't sweat on the counter, please." " Sorry." "That's beautiful." "Hi." "I was just noticing that book you're reading." "Mayor of Casterbridge." "That's really a coincidence." "I did my final term paper on Thomas Hardy as a senior in college." "You know, Hardy was a very interesting man." " When he was in London in 1861, he..." " Hovv long have you been a lonely guy?" "Is it that noticeable?" "What is it that gave me away?" "I know phony sweat when I smell it." "When you first came in, I thought you were Larry Bird." "Sorry, it was dumb." "It's just that I saw you there and I wanted to meet you." "No." "That's not even true either." "I just Wanted to meet anybody." "I know." "It can be rough." " Did you try a fern?" " Yeah." " A dog?" " Yeah, but they don't seem to really help..." "How come you know so much about lonely guys?" " My husband Marty was a lonely guy." " Husband." "My ex-husband." "That's how we met." "I fell for the phony jogging bit." "But never again." "I learned to tell the difference between real and bottled sweat." "Here." "Smell mine." "Yeah, now, see, that's terrific." "That's sweat." "Thank you." "Yeah, there's no comparison." "Thanks." "So...how long were you and Marty married?" "Not long." "I found out he was having an affair with a ballet dancer." "Dancer?" "This may sound silly, but that dancer Wasn't named Danielle?" "No, no." "Raul." "Absolutely no comparison." "Well, I guess I'd better be going." "Hang in there." "Lonely guys don't stay lonely forever." "Hey, What's your name?" "Where do you live?" "Can I call you sometime?" "I wrote it all down on the napkin." "I know What you're going through." " Wow." "That's fantastic." "What a great girl." " Well, that's $1.50." "You've got some yoghurt on your face." "What a great girl." "I woke up early next morning." "Too early to call her." "I just couldn't get her out of my mind." "I couldn't wait till I got to know her." "I love the Way your nose crinkles up when you smile." "Ugly?" "They are not." "I love your freckles." "What's the best movie you ever saw in your whole life?" "You're kidding!" "I don't believe it." "Me too." "Favourite food." "With or Without walnuts?" "I knew it!" "What's the saddest thing that ever happened to you?" "My God." "Really?" "That's awful." "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry." "There, there..." "Just cry right into my arms." "It's gonna be all right." "Everythings all right." "I'm here." "I'm never gonna leave you." "I couldn't wait any longer." "I had to talk to her." "She had to be up." "It was almost six." "on, God." "Lois?" "Doris..." "Horace." "Morris." "736738." "136." "Dammit!" "837." " [man] Hello?" " Hello, is there a Lois living there?" "Lois?" "No." " A Doris?" " No." " A Bess or Tess?" " No." "Hey, who is this?" "Please, this is very important." "ls there a girl living there, mid-20s, 5'3", blonde, beautiful face, great figure, fresh skin, full lips and young, and vibrant, alive?" " Is there?" " No." "No...but please, please don't stop." "[phone rings]" " Hello?" " [woman] Larry?" " Yeah." "Who's this?" " Danielle." " Danielle." " I Want you back, Larry." "Yeah, me and every other guy in New York." "How's the rock group?" "You're the only one that ever meant anything to me." " [man] This is the pits, man." " The only one." " Goodbye, Iggy, Fuzzy, Zippy, Zingo, Star." " Adiés." "Iggy, on your way out, could you take out the garbage?" "Thanks a lot." "What about mushy-mushy?" "Don't you miss it?" " No." " Yes, you do." "All right, so I miss it." "Big deal." " [man] Bye, Dani." " I'm all alone, in bed." "It would only take you five minutes to get here." "There'll never be anyone else for me but you." "Just you and me together for ever and ever." " Do you mean that?" " Hold on a sec, I got another call." "I knew she'd come back to me!" "I knew it." "[Danielle] Hello?" "Who's this?" "Larry." " Larry Hubbard." " Oh, Larry." "Nice to hear from you." "Listen, I'm a little busy right now." "Can you call me back some other time?" "Man on radio] "with a 20% chance of rain clearing in the afternoon." "There were three suicides in Manhattan late last night, all characterised as lonely guys." "Two were found dead in their West Side apartments, both travelling salesmen who came home after two weeks and found that their large, beautiful fern plants were dead." "A third lonely guy, with a view below '(he East River, opened his window and drowned." "There was no suicide note." "Apparently he had no one to leave it to." " Talk about lonely." " And here's a bulletin." "The New York Police Department reports there's just been another suicide:" "that of a lonely rock group." "More details later." " Way to go, Danielle." " And now back to easy listening... [electronic voice] Queen's rook to king three." "[phone rings]" "Hello?" " Hello?" " Hey, it's Larry." " Want to do something tonight?" "Dinner?" " Thanks, Larry." "No, I think maybe I'll just stay in tonight, relax, put on a fire." " Maybe another time." " Sure." "I understand." " Thanks for calling." " Bye." "Capture of queen by rook." "Queen's rook to queen's seven." "Checkmate." " Thank you for a pleasant game." " Thank you." "You played very well. .." " Thanks." " ..except for moves 14 through 17, which you played like an asshole." "[I mellow music]" " Yes?" " Do you have a table for dinner?" " Certainly, sir." "How many in your party?" " I'm alone." " Alone?" " [music stops and people fall silent]" "[laughs nervously and clears throat]" "Follow me, sir." "This way, sir." "Thank you." "Would you care for a cocktail, sir?" " Yes, I'd like a todka and vonic." " A todka and vonic?" " Yes." " Very good, sir." "Oh, and, Captain?" " Could you turn off the spotlight, please?" " Certainly." "And...could everybody go back to talking?" "Certainly." "[conversations resume]" "This is the really hard part." "Sitting there trying to convince people you're eating alone on purpose." "But Warren told me how to handle it." "Is it all right?" "Oh, you can read my review next Sunday." " Hi." " Oh, it's you!" "My God, it's you." "I wiped my mouth with that napkin." "I spent two days trying to decipher it." "I promised God if he let me find you, I'd never wipe my face again." "I figured that would happen." "Lonely guys always lose phone numbers." " What is your name?" " Iris." "Iris!" "Of course." "Iris." "Sit down." "Let me get you something." "Oh, no, thanks." "I'm here with my ex-husband." "And We're leaving." " So that's Marty." " Oh, no, that's my ex-husband Jeremy." " Different ex-husband?" " Mm." " Well, I have to go." " Wait." "Your number." "I wrote it down on the check." "The waiter'll give it to you." " I'll call you tomorrow." " OK." " Bye." " Bye." "Iris." "Iris." "Waiter?" "Check." "Iris..." "Iris..." " Here we are, sir." " Thank you." "No, no, please, sir." "With an eminent food critic such as yourself, the pleasure is all ours." "I phoned every Iris in New York." " [woman] Hello?" " Hi." "Is this Iris who gave me her number last night?" " No, it's not." " Sorry." "I combed the entire neighbourhood where I met her." "Night and day." "Day and night." "I got so desperate I went up to my roof and called her name." "Iris!" "Iris, Where are you?" "[man] Marilyn!" "Marilyn, my love!" "Barbara!" "Where are you, Barbara?" "Sophie, I miss you, Where are you?" "Erica!" "Erica, it's me!" " Iris?" " Caroline?" " Iris, Where are you?" " Barbara!" " Erica!" " Caroline!" " Sophie, Where are you?" " Iris!" "In high school, I Went to a movie theatre with a girl, and I was sitting there... 20 minutes into the picture, I slowly put my arm around her." "Slowly, slowly, I put it on her breast." "She didn't say a word, and I thought, "This is great!"" "The whole picture, I didn't move, it was just right there, and when the lights came up, I realized it was on her purse." " It was still fun." " You didn't know." "Yeah." "I thought it might help to see a psychiatrist." "Just to have someone to unload on, someone compassionate and understanding." " Does Dr Zook live here?" " Second bell from the top." " [man] Yes?" " Hi, my name's Hubbard." " I have a three o'clock appointment with you." " Hubbard." "Yes, nice to meet you." "Thank you." "Talk into the box, please." " What?" " Talk into the box." "So, why did you decide to come and see me?" "Well, I recently ended a relationship with this girl, and I was feeling kind of..." "lonely..." " And I..." " Excuse me, do you mind if I smoke?" " No, go ahead." " Thank you." "You were saying you ended this relationship with this girl?" "Well, I came home..." "See, I was living with a ballet dancer, Danielle." "When my father gave me a C, I didn't understand." "He said he had to treat me like the other kids." "I thought he was being much tougher on me." " My mother agreed..." " Larry, that's all the time we have today." "If you like, I can see you next Thursday at three." "Yes, I Would." "I think the talking has helped." "Oh, good." "Now, if you'll just deposit $50 in my mail slot. .." " OK, thanks." " You bet." "You know What gets me?" "I go to get a haircut, they charge me four bucks, which is What they'd charge anybody to come in." "But say Michael Landon goes into the shop I do." "They would charge him four bucks, yet he's got 100 times more hair than I do." "By rights, they should be charging Michael Landon $400." "They don't charge it by how much hair you've got, they're paid to make it look good with What you've got." "I don't even know if they've clone that." "How does that look?" "See, that's What I'm saying." "Ever tried swooping it over?" "Some guys grow it real long and swoop it over." " You can do a lot like that, a pompadour..." " My hair doesn't grow long enough." "Besides, when you see a guy with his hair swooped over, you know he's covering up something." " And if a guy has a lot of hair..." " He's not gonna swoop it over." "The guys who always keep their hair are the guys who have no use for it all." " Who's that?" " Like bums." "Ever seen a bald bum?" "They always have a beautiful head of hair." " Why is that'?" " I think it's because they never wash it." "That's the only time you see your hair fall out, is after you take a shower." "If I'd never washed it, I'd have all my hair?" "Maybe they lose it and it just stays in." "Just locked in there. if they ever Wash it, they'd be bald bums." "[man] Mr Hubbard, the manuscript which you sent us, it is not what this company is interested in doing." "The Speedy Fingers Typing Service." "[Warren] Hi, it's Warren." "I can't go to the movie with you tomorrow night because I decided to end it all." "My life just seems so empty and meaningless that I can't see any point in going on with it." "Hope you enjoy the movie." "Goodbye." "[Larry] I figured he'd be at the Manhattan Bridge." "It was a sort of "in" spot for suicidal lonely guys." "Check it out, man." "Picasso." " Block the door, man." " Check the door." "Check it." "You Want some in your face?" "In your face?" "I lost your phone number!" "[voices drowned by train noises]" " No way!" " Excuse me, sir." "Hey, hey!" "I'll see you there!" "Man, you sure are some bad backward writer." "Thanks." "[Larry] Warren?" "Warren?" "Warren?" "Warren?" " [man] Help!" " Warren?" "Warren?" "Warren?" "Warren?" " [man] Carol!" " Warren?" "Warren?" " Warren?" "Warren?" " No." "Henry." "Warren?" "Warren..." " Warren!" " [Warren] Don't come any closer, Larry." "Come down from there." "You have too much to live for." "Give me three things." "Two things." "One thing." "Not dying." "Not dying is something to live for." " What's the difference?" "Nobody cares." " I care." "I'm your friend." "I care What happens to you." "You gotta believe that, Warren." " You're great." "People say they're a friend..." " [woman] Larry?" " ...but to come running down here..." " Stay there, I'll be right back." "Iris!" "I'm so glad I found you again." " Come on, my best friend is going to jump." " What?" " Please come down." " Who's this?" "This is Iris." "I found her again." "Gosh, she is lovely." "How are you?" " Fine?" "You?" " Uh..." " Don't do this, I need you." " You don't need me." "You have each other." "No, this'll never last." "She's already had two husbands." " Six." " Six?" " Six?" " Six." "You can't have a stable relationship with a person like that." "It's nice of you to lie, but I can see how you feel about each other." "OK, but that doesn't mean I don't need you in my life." "You Want to know the place I'll have in your life?" "You'll have a beautiful wife, great kids, lovely home." "I'll be your bachelor friend you have to invite to dinner parties because you haven't seen me in ages." "But Iris has run out of Women to fix me up with, so she racks her brain and finds a weirdo who's 15 years older than me, overweight, with rotten teeth." "You know, it doesn't sound all that bad." "I mean, I like a full-figured woman." "Teeth you can always fix." " What's age with a good personality, right?" " Right!" " Would you make lamb?" " Oh, yes." "I love lamb." " Excuse me, are you using this railing?" " No." " Thank you." " You're welcome." " With mint sauce?" " Of course." "It's hard to talk." "Let's go somewhere." " No, you two go ahead." " I can't leave you." "Hey, I've been up there plenty of times." " Come to dinner with us." " You go ahead." "I'll catch a slice of pizza." " I'll call you later." " Thanks, Larry." "Iris, how old are you?" " 30." " And you've had six husbands?" " That's a lot, isn't it?" " No, not really." "When you think about it, it's just one every five years." "And Jerry was an alcoholic and Michael was a compulsive gambler and Fred was a vvomaniser." "It seems I've ended up being hurt in every relationship I've ever had." "Iris, I guess no man knows for sure What he's capable of." "There might be circumstances in which I might lie, or steal, or who knows, even kill." "But there's one thing I know in my heart I could never do." "As long as I live, I could never, never hurt you." " Oh, Larry." " Iris." "Gosh!" "I'm sorry, are you all right?" " Ifsjust a scalded lap." "I'm fine." " Are you sure?" "I'm fine." "Just...fine." "No." "No, you're not." "What are you doing?" "I Want you to know that whatever feelings of pain you might have," "I Want to share them with you." "[groans]" "Oh, that was a very sweet gesture." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Well, gosh...it's almost two." "I guess you'd like me to take you home, wouldn't you?" "Yes." "To your home." " Really?" " Mm-hm." "Oh, Iris." " I just have to go to the bathroom." " OK, I'll take care of the check." " I better not." " Why not?" "Go ahead." " You might not be here when I get back." " I will." "Why wouldn't I?" "That's how Milton left me." "I understand." "[Iris] Are you still there?" "[Larry] I'm here, I swear." "You're the first person who's ever done this for me." "It's nothing, honest." " I'm crazy about you, Larry." " I'm crazy about you, too, Iris." "We went to my place and talked for two and a half hours about everything." "We'd voted for exactly the same people in the last nine elections." "We sang camp songs to each other." "Then she got real romantic and wanted to get in bed with me." "I was headed for the greatest night of my life except she wouldn't take off her clothes." " Iris, please." " It's not going to work." "You're wrong for me." " Why?" " Because you're so right for me." "You're the most Wonderful man I've ever known." "If I let us get close, if I made that commitment and you hurt me like the others, I couldn't handle it." " I would never hurt you." " I'm too terrified to take that chance." "I need someone who I don't care a damn about." "Someone mean and unfeeling and...rotten." "I could be that." "Just give me time to work on it." "No, darling." "Iris..." "Look." "I don't Want to lose you." "I think you and I have something special." "I mean, sure, we have a few problems, like...not having sex, but we don't have to have sex." "There's plenty of other things we can do." "We can go to motels and listen to other people have sex." "It just Wasn't meant to be, Larry." "But there's one thing I Want you to know." "Even though we didn't do it, you're the best I ever had." "The best What?" "[Iris] I love you." "I'll always love you, but I've gone away." "Goodbye, my dearest." "At the sound of the beep, please try and forget me." "[beep]" "It's quarter to four." "Maybe I'll take a nap or something." "I don't like naps." "I don't like to wake up more than once, 'cause when I first wake up, I get that shock of who I am and everything." "I really don't like to do that more than once a day." "Yeah." "Hubbard, I've been wanting to talk to you about some of your greetings." ""Hi there, Grandpa, happy birthday to you and if you live till next year, happy birthday then, too."" " I've been a little preoccupied lately." " A little?" ""Will you be my valentine?"" ""Think about it a bit." "If you will, that's OK, if not, who gives a shit?"" "Mr Hubbard is fired." "One good thing about being fired, it gave me time to work on my novel." "But that wasn't going so great either." ""Soon the primal fire began to burn in Lady Hookstraterfs body."" ""Her hips twitched and trembled as each fireball from Oliver's powerful cannon erupted like molten lava into the quivering mouth of her ever-fluttering..." "love purse."" "What do I know about Oliver Cromwell?" "What do I know about love?" "All I know about is lonely." "How to eat alone." "How to live alone." "That's all I know." "Damn Wind." "My book was an instant best-seller." "Lonely guys came out of the woodwork for it." "There were more of us than I thought." "[man] Mr Hubbard, Where did you get the idea of writing a book about lonely guys?" "I realized everyone's a lonely guy sometime." "You can be married." "You can be quarterback of a football team and be a lonely guy." "Mr Hubbard, I want to thank you." "You've given hope to all of us." "Thanks." "Hi." "Could you just put "To Jimmy"?" "Sure." "Funny how a thing like writing a number one best-seller can change a guy's life." "[man] You're hot!" "Griffin wants you on the West Coast as soon as possible." "And on the East Coast, Letterman wants you." "And we got a cal!" "from Playboy." "They want you to pose with the Bunny of the Month!" "She thinks you're terrific." "You 're her favourite writer." "And hey, what a locker!" "Thank you." ""Looks like blonde bombshell Loni Anderson has turned Larry Hubbard into America's un-loneliest lonely guy."" ""Seems they haven't left Larry's apartment in two Weeks, and whatever they're doing there, we bet they're not collaborating on a new book."" "Where do they get this trash?" " Beats me." " I'm so glad we met." "I wonder, Anita and Schatzi, if the European feelings are as strong as the Americans'." "Well, speaking for myself," "I know that Wealth or fame or social position have absolutely nothing to do with whether or not I'm attracted to a man." "This is true." "You should see some of the trash she goes outwith." "[laughter]" "It's true, I've been able to date Women who wouldn't have given me a second look before my success." "Don't you see?" "Success changes a man." "It makes him confident, poised, self-assured." "It's these new qualities in the man himself that account for his new-found appeal." "Well, I guess that's What it is, then." "[makes baby noises]" "Aw!" "♪ Everybody loves my baby" "♪ But my baby don't love nobody but me" " ♪ Nobody but me ♪ - [applause]" "Gosh, I hate to interrupt." "It's all been so incredibly fascinating and entertaining and instructive." "Really, the time has just flown by." "The lovely Schneider twins, Anita and Schatzi." "Ex-lonely guy, Larry Hubbard and Dr Joyce Brothers." "I can't thank you enough." "You've made it a very special night." "I hope we can all get together and do it again." "Thank you." "Goodnight." "[I theme music]" "♪ Everybody loves my baby..." "S" "[Merv] Gosh, I hate to interrupt." "This has been all so incredibly fascinating and entertaining and instructive." "Really, the time has just flown by." "I can't thank you enough for being here." "You've made it a very special evening," " and I hope we can all get together..." " That was a very sweet gesture." "Thank you." "[inaudible]" "I wrote it all down on the napkin." "I know What you're going through." " Hi." " Oh, it's you!" "My God, it's you." "I'm crazy about you, Larry." "[" "I' jaunty piano music]" "[applause]" "[I romantic intro]" "♪ You made me love you" "♪ You woke me up to do it..." "S" " Excuse me." " There hasn't been..." "I've been staring at you all night." " Yes, it was." " [woman] She still needs make-up." "Unlike an agent, with a manager you have to meet his family." " Great party." " It's fun, isn't it?" " Oh, yes." " Come on, Larry!" " [doorbell]" " Excuse me." "You look great." "Come on in." "No, you're busy." "I'll come back another time." "No." "No, I've missed you." "I missed you." "I savv you on the Merv Griffin Show." "Really?" "I tried to stay away, but I couldn't." "I Wanted you so much." "Oh, Iris..." "Danielle." "Larry." "Danielle." "Larry?" "Oh." "Iris, Danielle." "Danielle, Iris." "Larry." "Danielle?" " Larry?" " Iris." " Larry." " Danielle." " Larry." " Iris!" " Danielle?" " Iris." "The incinerators down the steps." "Iris?" "Larry." "[Larry] God, everybody at the party liked you so much." "You're really fun." " [Iris] I'm so glad you sent everyone home." " Do you think it was too abrupt?" "I didn't think you'd remember my phone number." "It feels so good next to your body." "Your feet are so warm." "Can I take my socks off now?" "Please." "Sure." "I just didn't know if you Wanted to go all the Way or not." "Oh, Iris." "Oh, my God, Iris." "I don't believe it." "I didn't believe something like this was possible." "Oh, my God, Iris." "Have you started yet, Larry?" "Of course!" "What did you think the "My God, Iris" was all about?" "I'm sorry." "I'm inexperienced." "I know that sounds crazy with six husbands, but you see, I've never had a...you-know-what." " You mean an orgasm?" " Well, I didn't Want to talk dirty." "None of them seemed to care if I had them or not." "Well, I care." "Look..." "I'll let you know." "Whenever you have one, I'll let you know about it." "You are so sweet, Larry, I appreciate that." "After all, I think it's the man's responsibility to..." "Oh!" "There goes one." " You had one." " I did?" " Didn't you feel it?" " What part of the body?" "Well, I just can't blurt out in What part of the body." " There goes another one!" " God, they're happening so quickly." "You have to be ready." "Sometimes they go by when you're just clearing your throat." "You are so experienced." "I never realized a lonely guy could be so experienced." "Well, this isn't the first time..." "There goes another one!" "I think I felt that one." "it felt like a tiny little hiccup." "I think that was a hiccup." "Maybe they're coming from your side of the bed." " Let's change sides." "I don't Want to miss any." " Yeah, maybe." " Whoa!" " What?" "Oh, nothing." " I missed another one?" " Just the biggest one so far, that's all." "God!" " [sneezes]" " Oh!" "Oh..." "Oh, Larry." "I think I felt one." " You did?" " Uh-huh." "Right when you sneezed." " Oh...and gesundheit." " Thank you." " [sneezes twice]" " Oh!" "Oh!" " I felt it again." "Twice." " You did?" "Yes." "It was wonderful." "Oh, gesundheit, gesundheit." " Do you think you could...sneeze again?" " I don't know." "I'll try." " [sneezes]" " Oh." "Oh, yes." "Yes." "Gesundheit." "Ohh... [sneezes]" "I never dreamed it could be like this." "Oh, gesundheit." "[both breathing deeply]" " Oh... [sneezes]" " Oh!" "Oh, you're magnificent." "Gesundheit, [sneezes violently]" "No." "No more, I mean it." "Stop, or I'll go mad with pleasure." "Oh, thank you." "Thank you." " Iris, I love you." " I love you, too, Larry." "[$Obs]" "Why are you crying?" "Because it's so hopeless." "But everything was so good." "Exactly." "See, I was afraid of getting involved with you because I couldn't face the possibility of losing you." "How do you think I feel now that I know you're not only a great guy but the...best goddamn lover in the world?" " I'm going." " Iris..." "look, you're just upset." "Let me take you home." "We'll talk about it in the morning." "No, I'll get a cab, and there's no point in calling me in the morning." "I Won't be there." " [sneezes] - [Iris] Ohh!" "[ship's horn]" "That did it." "I had to get out of town for a while, so I booked myself on one of those cruises." "It might be a chance to get away from everyone I knew." "In the first three hours, I met my accountant, my plumber, my postman..." "Even Jack was there." "He'd just broken up with Verna and Frieda and I guess he was looking for more girls to add to his collection." "He waved me over, but I just wasn't interested in meeting other women." "I just couldn't get my mind off Iris." "Excuse me, sir." "Are you Mr Larry Hubbard?" "Yes, I am." "This clog came aboard before we sailed." "Your name was on his collar." "Hey, good boy!" "What a good dog!" "And this note is for you, sir." "It's from young lady." "Thank you." "[Iris] Dear Larry, just heard we're on the same ship." "I'll be at the masquerade ball tomorrow night." "I hope we'll run into each other." "I think we should talk." "Iris." "Iris." "She's here." "Yahoo!" "[barks excitedly]" "[Splash]" "Oh, sorry, fella!" "[I band plays Downtown]" " Hello, Iris." " Hello, Larry." "Terrific costume." "I Want to apologize for the Way I behaved." "I was wrong." "You don't have to apologize, as long as We're together." "Oh, no, I was Wrong to let it go as far as it did." "I knew from the beginning it would never work." "I love you too much." "Iris, do you think you're the only one who's afraid of falling in love?" "Do you think you're the only one who's afraid of being hurt?" "I'm terrified." "But you've got to be Willing to feel a little pain, or you'll never feel any joy." " Hi, Larry." " Hi, Jack." " You kept coming back to me for the joy..." " Hey." " Aren't you gonna introduce me?" " Jack, Iris." "I'm not saying I'm the only one." "You might meet somebody you like better." "Hell, looks like we were meant for each other." "[laughs]" "Oh, my..." "Hey!" "Don't the girls look terrific tonight?" "The Seven Deadly Sins!" "What a clever idea." " Girls?" "What girls?" " The girls!" "Your girls, Jack!" " Inge, Helga, Olga, Minga, Fritzi, Mitzi..." " I guess my eyesight is failing." "'Cause as far as I can see, there's only one Woman in this whole room." "Shall we?" "[.L' band plays slow romantic tune]" "♪ I'm in the mood for love" "♪ Simply because you're near me" "♪ Funny, but when you're near me" "♪ I'm in the mood for love..." "A' [ship's horn]" "How you doing, guy?" "Thirsty?" "There you go." "Here's a guy, 46, dropped dead." " Heart attack?" " Natural causes." "You know, I think I'm getting that." "There you go." "That's a good guy." " What did you have for lunch?" " Tuna." " Toast?" " Yeah." " White?" " Rye." " Good?" " Yeah." " Sounds good." " It was." " There we go." " Here's a guy, 33, brick fell on his head." "Hey, I Want you to see this new cassette I got." " I can't stay much longer." " Just watch this." "Oh, nice." "Very nice." " We don't have to watch it all." " Did something happen?" "No." "Whoa!" "Jack is marrying Iris." "Yeah, I know." "Three o'clock today." "Hard to imagine any Woman falling in love with Jack." "She doesn't love Jack, she loves me." "That's why she's marrying him." "Uh-huh?" "We". . whatever." "I better get going." "I'm defrosting my refrigerator." "That Water's gonna get all over the floor." "I'll watch that fish thing another time." " OK." " I'll call later, maybe we'll do something." "I'm tired." "I think I'll stay in tonight." "Yeah." "Me too." " Yeah." " Well, take care." " OK, I'll see you." " Yeah." " So long." " So long." "Back...side...and front!" "And other side." "And three." "nautical science." "Makes a balloon go up." "Right this way, Officer." " When did you find him?" " This morning." " Wife?" " No." " Kids?" " No." " Close friends?" " No." "No friends, no wife, no children, just ferns, cardboard cut-outs, quiet, no parties, perfect tenant, been dead for five days, nobody even noticed." " I'll take care of it." " Wish I had more tenants like him." "This one's heavy." "I don't believe what people are throwing away today." "I hear you." "No." "No." "No." "No!" "First Lutheran Church in Queens." "Quickly." "[woman] All right." " What's the matter?" " First time ever." "Traffic jam in New York (I) [horns hooting]" "God!" "Thanks." "Lou, watch out!" "Hey!" "What do you think you're doing?" "[horn]" " How long is it between trains?" " About 15 minutes." " It's too long!" " Write a letter!" "[bell]" "[man] Hey, get the hell off the road!" "Jerk!" "Pullover, Mac!" "Pull over!" "[Whistles and sirens]" "You ran a stopping light, mister!" "Pull over!" " Look, I..." " Pull over!" "If I don't get to 31 st Street in time, the only girl I ever loved will marry somebody else!" "I was in love once!" "You're gonna need an escort." "Follow me!" "Come on, Mac!" "Come on!" "Stay close now." "Everything is gonna be all right." "Just stay close." "It's right over here." "All right, it's gonna be right over here." " Right there." " Thank you, Officer!" "Good luck!" "...to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love, honour and cherish in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?" "No way!" "Don't do this!" "I know you think this is the easy Way out, the safe thing to do." "But didn't you just hear those Words?" ""To love, honour and cherish"?" "You don't love this man." "You don't honour him." "You don't cherish him." "You know in your heart you were meant for something better." "Listen to your heart." "This man is not for you." "Don't go through with this." " He's right!" " What?" "Alison..." "Who is that guy?" " Is this the First Lutheran?" " No, Third Methodist." "[cheering]" "[ship's horn]" "Isn't it romantic?" "We're having our honeymoon on the same ship where we met." " What?" " I said..." "Isn't it romantic" "♪ Merely to be young on such a night as this?" "♪ Isn't it romantic?" "♪ Every note that's sung Is like a lover's kiss... ♪ I'm... ♪ Going to wash, my dear," "and then I'm going to slip into something more comfortable." "Why don't you slip into something more comfortable, too?" "Like the sheets." "Grrrr!" "[Iris laughs] [sneezes] Oh, Jesus." "Could you sneeze again?" "[sneezes]" "What's your name?" "Where do you live?" "Could I call you sometime?" "I Want you to know that whatever feelings of pain you might have," "I Want to share them." "Do you think you're the only one who's afraid of being hurt?" "I'm terrified." "But you've got be Willing to feel a little pain, or you'll never feel any joy." "Larry." "Hi, Warren." "Oh, Larry." " Help!" "' [Splash]" "It changes, Larry." "It's not always going to be like this." "It really does change." "it may not feel like it, but things change." "Sure." "What about you, Warren?" " Has it changed for you?" " Yes." " It has?" " Yes." "How?" " I've met someone." " You have?" " We're very happy." " That's really great, Warren." "Oh, God, why can't I be happy like Warren?" "Iris!" "We were so close." "I could have made you happy, I know it." "If only fate could have played a helping hand..." "[Woman screams]" " Iris!" " Larry, What luck!" " Why were you jumping?" " I Wasn't happy from the time I said "I do"." "Larry, I love you." "I finally realized I can't live Without you." "Oh, Iris, I love you so much." "[sneezes]" "Oh, my God, that was a blast." " Oh!" "Hi, Warren." " Hi." " Great night, isn't it?" " I just want to go get sneezed at." "Hey, Iris." "Warren said he met somebody." " Really?" "That's great." "Who is she?" " Well, I told her to meet me here." "[woman] Warren?" "There she is now." "Over here, honey." " Hi, Warren." " Hi." "You see, sometimes when two people meet, it's really the human will quietly, subconsciously engineering its own destiny." " She's great, isn't she?" " Hey, look at the four of us!" " I just can't think of a more perfect ending." " [dog barking]" "Hey, look at this guy!" "Come here." "Look at him." "Often, pets take on the best characteristics of their owners." "Come on." "There we go!" "♪ There's one lonely girl" "♪ Saturday night" "♪ Nothing to do" "♪ And there's one lonely guy" "♪ All by himself" "♪ At a table for two" "♪ And it's sad because one lonely guy" "♪ Might change the world for one lonely girl" "♪ And life would be so sweet" "♪ If only she could meet" "♪ One lonely guy" "♪ One lonely" "♪ One lonely" "♪ One lonely guy" "♪ In a world like today" "♪ So many times even lovers are strangers" "♪ They pass but look away" "♪ Keeping their hearts far out of danger" "♪ And it's sad 'cause one lonely guy" "♪ Might change the world" "♪ For one lonely girl" "♪ And life would be complete" "♪ If only she could meet" "♪ One lonely guy" "♪ One lonely" "♪ One lonely" "♪ One lonely guy" "♪ It worked for so many people" "♪ He'd love some relief" "♪ Don't it make you wonder why" "♪ There's a lonely guy?" "♪ One lonely" "♪ One lonely" "♪ Don't pass by" "♪ One lonely guy S"