"I'm sorry, viewer." "The TV show you're searching for cannot be streamed in your reality." "Please stand by for reconnection." "In the darkest depths of cyberspace, there is another world." "A lost dimension, home to wonders unseen, terrors unspeakable." "Stories unlike any ever told until now." "Do not click "Back."" "Do not reload." "We have reconnected to..." "Dimension 404." "'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the nation, the NSA watched us from a secret location." "They hunted a man, a serial bomber, location unknown, this guy was a goner." "Tracking this man was no easy job so the government turned to a monster named Bob." "Bob knows when we're sleeping and when we're awake, but something inside him is starting to break." "Though he hunts and he tracks, his search is in vain, for this all‐seeing eye feels nothing... nothing but pain." "What is it, what is it?" "You're gonna find out soon, baby girl." "Did you guys get my flight info?" "I don't know, Sam, did we get Mommy's itinerary?" "Flight 322, arrives at 2:15, terminal B, and then we see Mommy!" "Someone's just a little excited that you're coming home." "Yeah, well, she is not the only one." "She certainly isn't." "Two weeks leave over Christmas." "I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop." "Yo, I'm comin' home, babe." "Come hell or high wat‐‐" "I'm gonna be late!" "No, go, go!" "Love you. I love you." "Okay." "Hey, Doc, you, you got a sec?" "Um... I just wanna say merry Christmas." "So have a good time at home." "Come back soon 'cause... we're really gonna... we're really gonna need you out." "Whoa, hey, hey, what's goin' on?" "I don't know." "It's this damn holiday." "I mean, it's just... every time I see that tree in the mess hall," "I just think about home and I get..." "I just..." "Talk to me, Adams." "I just don't wanna be here anymore." "Captain Lee?" "Yeah?" "Whitney Smith, NSA." "Nice to meet you." "Sure, yeah, you too." "If you don't mind, I gotta catch a transport." "I'm headed that way too." "Come on." "I'll give you a lift." "That's great, I'm super late." "And she's still kinda confused about Santa Claus but the tree looks nice and if I catch this transport," "I'm gonna be home in time to decorate it which is the." "Well, it's the best part anyway." "Sounds very nice." "So NSA?" "I mean, I'm sure it's top secret but you got any Christmas plans?" "You, Captain." "What?" "Don't worry, you're not in trouble." "I just need you to come with us." "Whitney, right?" "Listen, I've been out here 18 months without leave." "I miss my kid, I miss my wife." "I spent our anniversary hiding under a desk, trying to get the internet to work while getting mortared." "I'm sure that the NSA is used to getting whatever the hell it wants, but whatever it wants from me is gonna have to wait." "There is nothing in this world that is gonna make me miss Christmas with my family." "You suck." "So where are we, the North Pole?" "I'd tell ya, but then they Then they'd have to shoot me," "yeah I know. What?" "No, they'd shoot me for divulging confidential information." "Why would they shoot you?" "Captain Lee." "Director Stevens." "Cocoa?" "Come on, we'll do the nickel tour." "The NSA has a major data problem;" "We're drowning in the stuff." "Emails, phone logs, you name it, we got about three petabytes a second of it from American civilians alone." "Well, that's... horrifying." "Worse still, our analysts have to process all of that data one click at a time." "I know what you're thinkin'." "Replace 'em with robots!" "Believe me, I have tried." "But despite what you might have read in WIRED, that kind of AI is still decades away." "So for now, it still takes a human brain to spot patterns, connect the dots, and catch the bad guys." "And a human butt to wipe the Constitution on, am I right?" "Ten days ago, our top analyst began displaying erratic behavior." "It's affecting his work and, consequently, the safety of the American people." "You're here to provide therapeutic support and get him back in action." "Wait, so, you flew me all the way out to... wherever we are just to give a pep talk to a computer geek?" "Not exactly." "Captain Lee... meet Bob." "Director Stevens, who's your new friend?" "Good morning." "Good morning, Bob." "This is... Jane Lee." "32, 17 unread emails, current location:" "Here." "What the hell is that thing?" "Where are my manners?" "I'm Bob, chief intelligence officer here at NSA black site Indigo." "Why is it made of meat?" " Okay." "Imagine the NSA built a huge cube of nutrient enriched meat, then grew a giant human brain, placed it inside, added some wires, plugged it in, and then used it to monitor every person on Earth at all times." "Okay." "That's what we did." "That's Bob. Hello!" "So what brings you to our neck of the woods, Jane?" "Captain Lee is here to see you, Bob." "She's My therapist." "Of course, I know why she's here." "I know everything." "I was trying to be polite and colloquial." "Hence, "neck of the woods."" "My God. I mean, I don't need a therapist, so..." "Well, Bob, the director seems to think that" "Chris and I both think that talking with Jane will help you with your... problems finding... What'shisface." "What'shisface?" "He has a name, Chris." "It's Lucas T. Wade and he's a very, very, very bad" "Okay, fine." "What'shisface is a serious problem and it's proving hard to locate him but therapy?" "Captain Lee is a total pro, Bob." "One of the best in the world." "She cheated on her Intro to Psych final." "The Scantrons prove it." "Sorry, Jane, that was rude." "You did though, so you should be sorry too." "Well, nobody's perfect." "Apparently not even you, Bob." "Isn't that right, Jane?" "Chris, mop time." "How you feelin'?" "What the hell is wrong with you people?" "No, that was the last one." "Excuse me?" "The last stupid question you get to ask me." "Now, how 'bout we get to work?" "Lucas T. Wade:" "Hacker, anarchist, survivalist, terrorist nutjob." "He's planning an attack." "We don't know where, we don't know when." "But it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas." "Okay, so, this Wade guy is the only person your meat computer can't find?" "Well, we put Bob through every test under the sun, there's nothing physically wrong with him." "Which brings us to you." "There must be somebody who's more qualified for this." "You'd think so, wouldn't ya?" "Listen, we're saying we need your help and if you want to leave, we can't legally stop you." "Great, then it was nice meeting you." "But out of over 2100 Army therapists, you are the only one who has voluntarily extended your tour three times." "Never asked for one day of leave." "Seventeen unread emails, mostly from your wife." "I guess reading those makes it harder to stay?" "You know, it seems to me that you are literally incapable of turning your back on a soldier in pain." "That thing is not a soldier." "No, it's not." "Soldiers get to go on leave." "Bob... he's on duty 24/7." "24/7, Jane, and he's in pain and he needs your help." "And if you can't give it to him, well, let me just put it this way:" "There are a lot of moms and dads who won't be home for Christmas." "Because they'll be dead." "I got that." "Hey, Mommy really wanted to be home for Christmas." "You promised!" "Something really, really important came up and I want" "I'm sorry." "I wanted to be home and be there for you guys." "No, don't do that, Jane." "Don't be there for us." "Be here for you." "I can't." "And I can't tell you why." "I should go check on Sam." "I'll see you..." "when I see you, I guess." "Okay, I love you, I wanna." "So that was your family?" "They seem great." "Bob?" "Um, why are." "Um... what are you doing here?" "I just wanted to say sorry for being so rude earlier." "Um... that's okay." "Apology accepted." "Great, thank you." "So, goodnight." "Okay, goodnight." "My God." "One quick thing though." "I'm still a little iffy about this whole therapy situation." "Um, well, it's normal to feel anxious at the start of therapy and we can address that in tomorrow's session." "Okay." "Okay, goodnight, Bob." "Goodnight, Ja." "See, here's the thing though." "I don't wanna do the sessions, they're a waste of time." "And how will wasting time with you solve my anxiety about wasting time with you?" "You seem uncomfortable." "Bob, this is a complete invasion of." ""Songs of the Blue Whale"" "from your "Sleepytime" playlist." "Okay." "We need to establish some boundaries." "Boundaries how?" "I know everything about you." "If you need boundaries, you should probably leave." "I am not leaving." "Bob, you need to leave me alone right now, okay?" "Goodnight." "Okay, so, I don't get you." "I don't want you here." "You have places you'd rather be and yet here we are." "Why are we here?" "I don't know, Bob." "You barged into my room and now you refuse to leave." "Some might call that a cry for help." "So why don't we talk about what's really going on with you?" "Um." "The thing is..." "No, your sprinklers totally, accidentally, not on purpose just came on!" "And the door's locked too." "Shucks, what a nightmare." "Well, see you in the morning, Jane." "Byebye!" "Bob, do you have eyes on Captain Lee?" "She's late." "Late on her first session." "Perhaps Jane's not as professional as you thought." "Shame;" "Guess you'll have to get somebody" "Good morning. Jane." "I'm sorry I'm late." "I was trying to sneak a cigarette in my room and the sprinklers went off." "I had to dry my clothes in the bathroom." "Really?" "Really?" "Really." "I guess we better get started then." "Okay, people, let's go." "You know, this is your fault." "You spoil him!" "I don't." "Come on!" "Okay, now I really don't get you." "I think we got off on the wrong foot last night." "I'm sorry about your clothes and your electronics, it wasn't my finest moment." "What's goin' on, Bob?" "Clearly you were right," "II need help." "I hate playing this card because it's so obnoxious but..." "I am to you as you are to an earthworm." "I do need help but I don't know if an earthworm can give it to me." "I don't know either." "But I'd rather say that we failed than say that we didn't even try." "Wouldn't you?" "Give me two hours." "You answer some of my silly questions," "I file my report with Stevens, and after that, if you don't wanna see me anymore then you will never see this little earthworm again." "You have an hour and ten minutes." "Actually, I think our session is." "You are 50 minutes late, Jane." "Let's get started." "So, describe the problem in your own words." "What do you know about bats, Jane?" "Bats?" "I'm trying to describe" "Bob Vision, it's like... echolocation." "I sense your data bouncing around:" "What you buy, what you watch, who you call and I put it all together and I..." "I know who you are." "Like a bat. Like a giant superintelligent bat whose vision is comprised of the multitude of humanity's external expressions through its interactions with the ubiquitous data network we call the internet and which, in this analogy," "would be a cave." "Does that help you understand?" "Let's try a different approach." "Branch." "Ocean. Water." "Car. Driver." "Dog. Leash." "Cat. Scratch." "Job. Great." "Lucas T. Wade. He's in Ohio." "Just kidding, I got nothing." "More words, please." "Have you never been able to see Wade or did you only lose him after a time?" "Walk me through it." "Wade's always been slippery but I was so close to knowing where he would be, you know, where he would hide, when he would strike." "Last month he disappeared in a subway in New York and I don't well, I haven't seen him since." "What was he doing there?" "Well, he'd just been shopping." "He got a new coat, ate a donut, and then... while he was riding the subway, I j" "I just lost him." "How did that make you feel?" "Angry." "Sounds a little like you're guessing." "Sad, that's the one." "Is it?" "I'm not sensing any s." "Yup, I'm sad, definitely sad." "Feeling good about sad." "Okay, well, sad how?" "Does it make you wanna cry oractually, can you cry?" "Here's an idea, let's move on." "Okay." "Um..." "let me see." "How 'bout this, a magic genie will grant you one wish." "What do you wish for?" "Wow, I can't believe I can't think of anything." "That's okay, take your time." "I got it!" "Herb Hillman, 72, 10,322 unread emails." "His wife, Gladys, wants an iPad for Christmas." "Instead, he's building her... this." "What is it?" "I have no idea!" "Is it, like, a birdfeeder or a shoe rack?" "I know what our next president will have for lunch next Thursday but... this thing has me stumped." "That's interesting." "So, if you could have one wish it would be..." "I mean, I'd call Herb and ask him what the hell's going on!" "I mean, what is that thing?" "Shit, hang on." "Hey, Director, Codename:" "Payday just popped up on a SAT phone in Baanam." "Good catch, Bob." "Alert the D. O. D. Copy that." "Hey, Bob, what is this?" "Engaging target." "Target neutralized." "Payday, confirmed killed." "Three additional noncombatants killed." "Sorry, Jane, what were we talking about?" "Fly. Swatter." "Kiss. Lover." "Job. We did job." "We're doing it again. Why?" "Job. Why?" "Do you know what a conversion disorder is?" "Of course." "I once treated this EOD tech, he couldn't move his left hand." "There was nothing physically wrong with him, but then once he opened up at sessions, it was." "Sergeant Eric Mann." "Fascinating." "So, I'm suffering the same condition." "lt's all in my mind." "Well, I mean, you might not see the way I see, but sudden blindness can be brought on by acute stress and anxiety." "Hence, "job."" "Job. I love my job." "I keep people safe, it's what I was born to do." "It must be a lot of pressure." "Well, it would be for most people but I'm not most people." "You're still a person, Bob." "We must be running short on time, Doctor." "What was it like to kill that man?" "Payday?" "I didn't kill him." "I provided intelligence." "Your intelligence led to his death." "And three others." "Possibly innocent civilians." "People die every day, people died while I was saying that sentence." "Gene Cosgrove, lung cancer." "Does that bother you?" "That doesn't bother me, Jane." "Then what does?" "You do!" "Sorry, I'm sorry, that." "It's okay to feel angry." "You know, I wonder what Beth and Sam are up to right now." "Okay, Bob, you're deflect Yeah, I wonder how your favorite girls are doing without their big Janeshaped safety blanket?" "Bob!" "Boundaries." "Thank you." "Go on." "See for yourself." "Good job!" "All right!" "Surprise!" "Turns out they're doing just fine." "Look at 'em." "Perfect!" "Don't they look happy decorating that Christmas tree?" "Living their life without you?" "You know how I really get to know people?" "It's not through what they say;" "It's through what they don't." "And when it comes to your family, your silence is deafening." "They don't need you, but you need to feel needed." "It's why you took a job halfway across the world." "It's why you just can't say no when some shellshocked army grunt needs a shoulder to cry on." "It's why you're here." "No wonder you need whale noises to fall asleep." "I pity you, Jane." "I really do." "You got me, Bob." "Well done." "I'm afraid our time is up." "I would like you to leave now." "You said that you pity me, Bob." "So what?" "Pity comes from empathy, from compassion." "You're not a gigantic brain... you're a gigantic heart." "You love people." "You love Herb Hillman." "You probably loved Codename:" "Payday." "Jane, get out." "There are seven billion people on this planet, and you know all of our secrets." "What's it like to pity everyone?" "Your silence is deafening." "It's okay." "You can tell me." "No, but I can show you." "This is the moment Lucas T. Wade finally ate his donut." "Here's what else I saw." "Meet Eddie Wilson." "First Christmas without his beloved wife Carol." "His kids are on a cruise right now." "George Preston's having a beer with his fast food." "Nine years sobriety washed away with a burger and fries." "Sally Benson, the woman with the baby clothes, she's infertile." "I'll let you do the math." "And here's Amanda Jackson." "She just asked for a picture with Santa, and here's what her sister said:" "Stop, it's not Santa," "Santa's not even real." "God, just sit there and be quiet." "Dad's not coming this year anyway, so just..." "Amanda knows the world's darkest secret now:" "There is no Santa." "Someone that wonderful can only be a lie." "Merry Christmas, Amanda." "You get the agony of the truth." "And that's just one subway car of one subway of one city." "Exabytes of misery flowing through the world every single second." "That's what I see." "That's Bob Vision." "You want to know if I can cry, Jane?" "I've been crying since they turned me on." "And then there's Wade, eating his donut, getting off at his stop." "Hey, he's leaving the subway, II can see him again." "Just relax and focus." "Shh, it's two weeks ago, he's leaving the subway, he's paying for parking." "I lost himwait, wait, wait, last week, he's buying what is he buying?" "No, wait, he's back, he's back, three days ago, back on the subway, where's he going?" "My God." "I know the target!" "I know, Ino!" "No, no, no, no, no, no!" "Calm down, just calm down, okay?" "Just stay calm." "Where is he, Bob?" "Tell us right now, where is Lucas T. Wade?" "We're too late." "Anybody leave this?" "Anybody leave this?" "Sixth Avenue, he just stepped into an alley, I can't." "He'sAndrew Brown, school teacher." "Amy Lopez, mother of three." "He's overheating!" "We're moving as fast as we can." "Mary Chang, she's trapped in the rubble, she'sshe's screaming, they can't reach her." "Where is he, Bob?" "We need an answer now!" "There's Wade, he's in the alley." "No, no, he's." "I lost him." "I'm sorry." "He's making progress." "We missed this one, but we can find him, we just need." "Thank you for your service, Captain." "You're dismissed." "What?" "Great job, you did your country proud." "lt's time to go home." "But what about Bob?" "It's no longer your concern." "Excuse me." "Hey, that's my patient in there." "You can't terminate treatment without his consent, so tell me" "what the hell is going on!" "Keep your voice down!" "I just got off the phone with the joint chiefs." "Bob is being relieved of duty." "What does that mean?" "It means he's being deactivated." "Deactivated?" "That's murder." "No, it's not murder, Jane." "It's unplugging a computer." "Chris is taking him offline as we speak." "Then what, you just you just grow another one?" "Yes, and when that one breaks, we'll grow a third one, and then a fourth one, and so on and so forth." "We have a car coming for you at 2300." "I mean, there must be something." "It's Christmas Eve, Jane." "Go home." "It wants to talk to you." "Okay." "Hello?" "Is someone there?" "It's me, Bob." "Jane." "You sound so far away." "I'm here." "I'm in the room with you." "Well, II don't hear anyone else." "It's just... you and me, talking." "Isis this what it's like for most... people, in conversation, I mean?" "Well, I guess most people are usually checking their phones." "Chris said that you wanted to see me." "So, I was just sitting here, dying and all, and I thought it would be extra sad if I died without having any friends, and then..." "I thought you might be my friend, but..." "I wanted to ask you first." "Are we friends?" "I mean, no pressure or anything." "It's important that you're honest." "Yes." "We are friends, Bob." "Good." "I think so, too." "Jane, are you crying?" "No." "Jane." "You were right, you know." "I need to feel needed." "I don't really do this job for other people." "I do it because..." "I just hate feeling useless." "And now people are dying, and you're dying, and, um..." "I wasn't useful to any of you." "Jane." "I want to hug you, but..." "I don't have arms, so, um... come here, okay?" "You can't help everybody." "It doesn't mean you're useless." "It means you're human." "Geez, you cry more than I do." "You'd make a pretty good therapist, you know." "Thanks." "I..." "Bob?" "It's cit's cold." "Yeah, I know." "Talk to me, okay?" "I want to keep talking, for as long as I can." "Okay, um..." "A magic genie will grant you one wish." "What do you wish for?" "Promise not to laugh?" "Of course." "II wish..." "I wish there was a Santa Claus." "II'm gonna be right back." "Hey, wait, where are you going?" "Jane?" "We're plugging him back in!" "What?" "Shut up and help me already!" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" "This is a bad idea." "I know it sounds crazy." "Yeah, because it is crazy!" "I see that you're pissed, so am I, okay, but we can't save him, he's gone." "No, he's not gone yet." "lt doesn't matter." "It does matter, Chris!" "Look, I spend my entire life taking care of soldiers who might die at any moment." "Just 'cause I can't save them doesn't mean that I don't do everything within my power to help them." "Bob is your soldier." "You made him, trained him, and you brought me in to help him." "That's what I'm gonna do." "So, are you gonna do this with me or not?" "All right, you guilted me into it." "What's the plan?" "We're gonna make Santa Claus real." "I'm definitely going to jail for this." "Youyou're back, and you brought more footsteps." "Who's making them?" "lt's me. Chris!" "What are you doing here?" "Ruining my career." "What the hell is that?" "Exactly what you think it is." "I was really counting on my bonus." "Get over to that switch by the wall." "Jane, don't do this." "lt's treason. lt's Christmas, and you're gonna see it one last time." "But this won't save me, they'll just unplug me again." "So what's the point?" "Peace on Earth and good will towards men." "But that's what you are to me, the pillar in my life." "She loved it." "Of course she did." "Which is nice to see, but you're still going to jail and I'm still gonna die, so, whywhy did we do this?" "Come on, Bob." "You're a smart guy." "I'm no longer an employee of the NSA." "That means no more mission statement, no more regulations." "There's nothing holding me back." "Whatwhat does that mean?" "He got his wish." "What the hell is going on in here?" "Merry Christmas, Director Stevens." "All right, that's it." "Shut him down and detain these two." "I wouldn't do that." "He's got control of the system." "Yeah, I can see that, Chris." "Which part?" "All of it." "Okay." "Hold up, everybody." "Bobby, whatcha doin'?" "Just spreading some holiday cheer, Director." "Yeah." "And exactly how much cheer are we talking?" "About $200 billion worth." " But don't worry." "I fixed the economy." "My God." "And I got you something, too." "The FBI picked up Lucas T. Wade ten minutes ago." "Great." "So, what happens next?" "First, Jane and Chris face no repercussions." "That's a pretty big ask, Bob." "Well, not to be rude, but I do have control of the U. S. Nuclear arsenal." "And it's a fantastic one." "Anything else?" "... eggnog, please." "Lots of eggnog." "Well..." "I just got off the phone with the President." "That was a fun conversation." "Full pardons for Chris and Jane." "Thank you, Director, and tell the President he can have his nukes back now." "God, this is a freaking mess." "You know they're gonna shut us down for this, Bob." "Shut you down." "It's not much of a dying wish if I don't die, Director." "So... your wish?" "Was it worth it?" "Well, for one night, Santa Claus was real." "I'd say that's pretty good, wouldn't you?" "Is this the same hood?" "Do you guys not wash your hoods?" "For you." "Hello." "Hello, Jane." "Bob!" "They dragged me out of there before I could say goodbye." "I know." "I told them to, I didn't want you to be late." "Late for what?" "We're here." "Jane Lee, 32, 86 unread emails." "Current location... home." "Merry Christmas, Bob." "Goodbye, Jane." "I'll be right back." "One moment." "Mommy!" "Mommy, Mommy!" "You made it!" "Baby." "You got so big."