"...holiday blues, and it results from things like stress, fatigue, over-commercialization, inability to be with family and friends, unrealistic expectations..." "In other words, you have no idea." "But what can I do?" "Well, keep your expectations manageable, but most important, you need to trust in the way things work." "Embrace the lessons of every challenge, and expect good from everything that seems bad." "Thank you, Doctor." "Don't buy it." "It's bogus." "Enjoy your Christmas." "Give me a break." "Okay." "How are you feeling, ma'am?" "Now, you've been in an accident." "We're here to help." "I'm going to get you to the hospital, okay?" "What did you say?" "You're going to be all right, ma'am." "You can trust us..." "But most important, trust in the way things work." "Embrace the lessons of every challenge and... expect good from everything that seems bad." "What?" "It's okay, ma'am, it's okay." "You're going to be all right." "Yes?" "Colonel." "I was in the building, um..." "Things okay?" "I haven't killed anyone." "That's encouraging." "Look, do you..." "you get samples of medication, sleeping pills, that sort of thing?" "I don't have any on hand, if that's what you're asking." "Are you in the habit of taking sleep aids?" "No, just the opposite." "It's part of the problem." "I..." "I've had insomnia for four days." "I thought I'd get past it." "supplements, allergy medication;" "nothing's worked." "I just need something to get me over the hump." "Something disturbing you?" "My body is just out of whack." "I'd call that disturbing." "Things have happened." "Since your hostage crisis?" "You're calling that a crisis?" "Uh, wasn't that the reason that we met?" "I was under orders." "So... can you write me a prescription?" "Not without a more substantive conversation." "Therapy." "Hmm." "I just need to get a sense of your state of mind." "Now, were-weren't you just..." "getting ready to leave?" "I could talk a bit." "It's stuff at the office, mostly." "Um, there's been tension with a colleague." "You and I need to clear the air." "I'm not sure you don't still resent me for withholding news about your boyfriend." "You've made your argument." "The information was classified." "And you accept that?" "On a professional level." "Anyway, it's old news." "I tracked him down." "You serious?" "What do you know?" "You're not going to tell me." "Classified." "I'm already in the loop." "Hmm." "The loop turned into a figure eight." "What does that mean?" "Sorry." "I want you to respect me in the morning." "Can you discuss it with me?" "To a point." "You were looking for your boyfriend..." "A CIA officer by trade." "Call him John, for the sake of this discussion." "Commander Turner's questions actually prompted my curiosity about him, which encouraged me to track him down." "That led me to Hawaii on a mission to bring back his body, which actually turned out to be..." "I'm sorry?" "John was dead?" "Alive and kicking, as it turned out." "I have the bruises to prove it." "You'll need to explain." "He faked his own death, pretended to be one of three who drowned at sea." "He deceived you." "It was actually one deception in two parts." "A bargain at any price." "I'm surprised you think your sleeplessness has to do with office tension." "It doesn't." "I just don't want to get into it." "Could I ask you to sit down?" "Did you love this man?" "I was working on it." "Until he betrayed you." "It's a hell of a thing." "And you ended it?" "The two of us had it out, and then he went... off to save the world from people like himself." "Was the confrontation unsatisfying?" "He had no sense of what he had put me through." "He said he was sorry, but, um... it was... clearly business." "What did you want from the encounter?" "His actual death would have been appropriate." "Do you have fantasies about killing John?" "No..." "No." "His mother, maybe." "I.D., ma'am?" "Where is he?" "With the others, ma'am, in the adjoining room." "I'd like to see him." "Sorry, Colonel." "He needs to be ID'd, Chief." "Already done, dear." "Are you Sarah?" "Yes." "I'm Mrs. Porter Webb." "Thank you." "Um, no chairs?" "We're not set up for this, ma'am." "Well, I'm glad you're here." "You had quite an effect on my son." "He loved you, my dear." "Take it to heart." "That said... let him go." "It won't serve any of us to dwell on this." "Should've picked up on the cues." "His mother was part of the ruse." "When I asked the deputy director of the CIA to let me accompany John's body back, he sent her down ahead of me." "Once next of kin makes the identification, the remains are off limits." "You didn't speak to her before you left for Hawaii?" "We had never met." "Why weren't you more suspicious?" "Doesn't viewing generally occur on the mainland?" "She had special clearances, was a former agency code breaker." "His father was also an insider." "Well, that must have concerned you on some level." "I didn't use standard logic because of my close relationship with John." "I expected fair play." "You said the deception was in two parts." "Prior to the drowning incident, he'd gone to great lengths to make me think he was in Germany when he was actually in Indonesia." "And that didn't signal anything?" "Why are you doubting my instincts?" "Because you already have." "I'm just following your lead." "For what purpose?" "To help you identify your feelings." "I already know what I'm feeling" " I'm pissed." "That it?" "Humiliated." "I would think so." "Hurt, I guess." "The idea that they could take advantage of my grief." "You felt grief?" "Well, what do you think?" "I think... you should answer the question." "You know what?" "I'm not doing this anymore." "I feel worse now than when I came in." "Well, that's unfortunate, but I can't see how I've done anything to threaten you." "Well, we'll just make it my problem, then." "I need that prescription." "Easy, easy, easy, easy." "What was that, ma'am?" "I hear you." "You want to know if I grieved?" "Yes." "He wasn't dead." "And prior to your knowing that?" "I cried." "Did it make you feel better, worse?" "I couldn't characterize it." "It was what it was." "Well, I think the idea of grieving is to express loss in as complete and honest a way as possible." "Does that describe what you experienced?" "What does it matter?" "A great deal, if your process was cut short." "I really can't say." "What about the loss of your relationship- did you grieve that?" "Yeah, I was so sad to get rid of that bastard." "How long were you together?" "About a year." "Do you have good memories about that year?" "Yeah, some." "Do they feel invalidated?" "You bet." "You could grieve that- the loss of those memories." "Why?" "They're meaningless now." "Is that the attitude you've taken with the men in your life?" "Well, two of them were shot dead." "Not many Hallmark moments there." "We spoke of your husband." "Who else?" "Dalton, a man I was seeing, was shot by a cop who was stalking me." "Did you say a cop?" "My life is a tabloid." "Is that really how you look at it?" "It's hard not to." "The term is "diminishing. "" "Making light of, what I would assume to be, painful experiences." "Well, whatever gets you through the day." "Ah, but we're talking about the night, aren't we?" "Yes." "Do you feel guilty about what happened?" "I'm an alcoholic." "I feel guilty about everything." "Do you still drink?" "Not since Dalton." "That's an accomplishment." "John was drinking, around the time of my hostage crisis." "Were you resentful?" "Yes, but he also wouldn't let me get away with any of my crap, which helped me deal with it." "And there's a good memory." "But, as Harm likes to point out, he's a liar, and that card trumps all the others." "Which one is Harm?" "You know, one of the people at the office." "And you discuss things with him?" "Endlessly." "I'm sorry, I usually switch it to voice mail before a session." "Excuse me." "Commander McCool." "Hey, baby, how are you?" "Hi." "Um, not right away." "What time does it start, 7:30?" "Tell her I'm proud of her and I'll see her soon." "I got to go." "Love you, too." "You have a daughter." "Just turned 11." "Need to leave?" "Eventually." "So, back to Harm." "I don't want to talk about Harm." "I would like to ask you a question." "You have a family." "I don't." "Different lives." "What makes you feel qualified to judge me- your piece of paper on the wall?" "That piece of paper on my wall qualifies me to listen, not to judge." "So, if there's anything more you have to offer about yourself," "I welcome that." "Otherwise, it might be a good idea for you to leave." "I haven't been turning the lights on in my apartment at night." "After I come home from work I..." "I leave them off." "How long have you been doing this?" "Last three days." "At first I thought it would help me fall asleep." "Didn't work, but for some reason I just kept it up." "Have you been depressed?" "At not being able to sleep." "Could it be a manifestation of deeper pain?" "I'll leave the interpretations up to you." "Try this, then." "Maybe it's a way of not having to look at the choices you've made." "In furniture?" "A home is a reflection of how you live your life- the colors, how you use it, how you share it." "The colors are warm, and to relax I sort and clean bones." "I'm sort of an amateur paleontologist." "I find it relaxes me." "Does that make me death-obsessed or something?" "I don't know." "I'm more interested in what you left out." "I left something out?" "Has anyone other than you ever lived there?" "Man I almost married." "What happened?" "We didn't get married." "Was that a painful experience?" "I have to say it was." "And now you live alone." "In the dark." "What about John?" "He leaves the lights on." "Did you live together?" "No." "Did you discuss it?" "We didn't." "Did you consider it?" "Here and there." "Would you have married him?" "Possibly." "And had a family?" "Thank God we didn't." "The idea of little spooksters running around mumbling into their sneaker phones." "Do you want children?" "Sure." "And now the idea seems less possible." "Colonel?" "Let's go there." "No." "You're going to need to at some point." "Well, I've been very successful at avoiding it, thank you very much." "Now, if only you could sleep." "Better to talk about it in a place where you can feel safe." "Well, that isn't here." "Where, then?" "This isn't easy." "I understand." "Recently I had surgery to find out why I was having back pain." "Any pain at all?" "It's gone." "That's great news." "Does this... does this improve my chances of conceiving?" "Not likely." "No, maybe I didn't make myself clear last time." "No, no, you did." "It's just that I thought maybe the, um, the pain might be related to, uh..." "Your endometriosis is advanced, Colonel." "I did what I could, but your fallopian tubes, ovaries and uterus were all compromised." "But if you were able to remove the lesions in my lower intestine..." "It's a simpler procedure." "You talked about some kind of medication." "I really think we've explored the options with regards to fertility." "Conception is not possible?" "Your chances are small." "How small?" "Less than five percent." "I'm sorry, Colonel." "Is your doctor's office in this complex?" "Give yourself a point." "Did you just come here from her office?" "Two points." "Why didn't you ask her for sleep medication?" "I was about to, but she got called into emergency surgery." "So you came to me." "You know, you could be our big jackpot winner." "Do you consider this behavior clever or can you just not help yourself?" "What do you want to know?" "Have you given up on the idea of conceiving?" "You think?" "Do you resent me for having a child?" "I hope not." "Well..." "Maybe if you tried to focus on the positive." "Yeah, approximately the odds of being struck by lightning." "But a chance nonetheless." "Physicians don't like absolutes, Commander." "It embarrasses them when they're wrong, and to be perfectly cynical about it, it hikes the damage amount on their malpractice suits." "Bottom line, I'm infertile." "And how do you feel about that?" "I'm considering a cat." "Hello." "Hello, is this Harmon Rabb?" "This is he." "Sir, MacKenzie's been injured in an accident." "Bear with me." "Hold on." "I understand your reaction, Colonel." "Do you?" "You've been betrayed by someone you trusted." "You've discovered you can't conceive." "Traumatic stuff, paralyzing even." "I'm not paralyzed." "You characterize it, then." "Stuff is coming up." "What stuff?" "The past, things I've done, haven't done." "Are you regretful?" "To an extent." "What do you regret?" "Waiting too long." "To have a child?" "With the right guy." "Would that have been your first husband?" "No." "God, no." "Dalton?" "No." "Your fiancé?" "None of them." "So, the right guy didn't appear." "Maybe I wasn't really looking." "Do you tend to be attracted to the wrong man?" "My history certainly bears it out." "Did someone tell you that?" "Harm is a big proponent of this theory." "I'm getting familiar with that name." "It's hard to have a conversation about my life without talking about him." "Are the two of you involved?" "In ways you can't imagine." "Try me." "We've been dancing around a relationship for eight years." "Is he the guy you've been waiting for?" "I wish I had a dollar for every time" "I've asked myself that question." "What's been keeping you apart?" "Me." "Him." "Did you ever consider having a child with Harm?" "We made a deal that if, in five years, neither of us had children we'd make it happen." "A backup plan." "That was the idea." "I wonder if, by hedging your bets, you weren't, in some way, expecting things not to work out." "That's too subconscious for me." "Then look at it this way." "Because of your age, five years increased the odds against your getting pregnant." "Why pick that number?" "Harm picked it." "But you chose not to revise it." "Couldn't you have made it two years, even one?" "Five seemed right." "Your doctor told you that women who conceive early forestall the onset of endometriosis." "Do you have a purpose in trying to make me feel guilty?" "I'm just encouraged you're feeling something." "Did you tell Harm?" "I had to." "The five years were up." "I'm so sorry, Mac." "How are you handling it?" "With difficulty." "Well, you did a hell of a job of burying it." "It's the admiral's night." "Any thoughts?" "Timing." "I've probably been this way for a while." "You know, if you think about it... it doesn't change things." "What do you mean?" "There are other ways." "You..." "You're talking about adoption?" "In vitro fertilization, surrogacy, donor eggs..." "It doesn't matter to you how it happens?" "It matters that it happens between the two of us." "I'm tired of looking in on your life, Mac." "I want to be a part of it." "I can't do it." "You turned him down?" "He brought it up less than 12 hours after learning of John's death." "Maybe it was his way of helping you get past it." "My point." "The moment suddenly became about the two of us." "Because I needed him," "I became vulnerable to his need for me." "You felt he was trying to possess you?" "He'd been insinuating that John wasn't the answer for me." "Which turned out to be true." "He seemed to have an agenda." "Harm is the court-appointed guardian of a teenage girl who had been moving towards a reconciliation with her father, and I thought that he was anticipating losing her." "So you felt offended because he was needy." "More the impulse that he had towards filling his own void so quickly." "See, that, I think, is what has always bothered me about our relationship- how self-absorbed it makes us." "So, you didn't trust your history with him, yet you brought him into your confidence." "He's my closest friend." "What were your expectations?" "I just wanted him to be there for me in an appropriate way." "I wasn't looking for a replacement." "Under the circumstances, was that realistic?" "Probably not." "Sounds like your thinking was confused." "I wasn't thinking." "I was reacting." "Has that served you in the past?" "No." "Then why didn't you allow yourself the time to consider it?" "Harm asked me almost the exact same thing." "Having a child with you is not going to solve anything." "It'll push us forward." "I don't want to be pushed anywhere." "I have a lot to deal with;" "so do you." "Mattie is not an issue, Mac." "It's that simple- you can just move on?" "No, it's not simple, but I can move on." "She's talking to her dad now." "They-They're sharing things." "I, more than anyone, should be able to understand it." "So I'm okay." "Even though someone you know just died?" "Yeah." "Is that why you've shown no sadness or regret or anything?" "I've been concentrating on what you were feeling." "I'm not taking this lightly, Mac." "I know Clay and I had our differences, and I also know whenever I needed him, he was there for me." "I know he was my friend, and I'm going to miss him." "I'm going to miss the way you looked when you talked about him." "He made you feel good, and, uh, up until now, it's more than I've been able to do." "Mac, look, no pressure." "Let's just see." "All right, let me look into the possibility." "Did he?" "Yes." "And what came of that?" "Nothing." "I wasn't ready." "And how did he respond?" "He gave me space." "Is that what you wanted?" "Not exactly." "I wanted him to make my pain go away." "And you made him go away instead." "You can't always get what you want." "When you were in crisis in your other relationships, who did you go to?" "Do I really need to say it?" "Every time?" "Mm-hmm." "Do you believe he'll ever abandon you?" "No." "Then, regardless of your choices, isn't Harm the one you've always intended to be with?" "Then why aren't I?" "Perhaps you're biding your time." "No." "I ran out of time." "Do you always expect the worst from life, Colonel?" "I'm not answering that question." "Why?" "Because I'm feeling manipulated." "This is what I hate about therapists." "Why does everyone who's ever talked to a therapist have to have some overarching, lifelong dysfunction?" "They don't." "Yeah, but that's the way it always plays out." "How much therapy have you had?" "Hardly any, but I've talked to those who have had a lot, and they think that they're products of their pasts, which makes them assume that they don't have to take any responsibility or have any free will for their own problems." ""So I'm so sorry I screwed up, but my dad was a drunk. "" "Was your dad a drunk?" "I was giving you an example of what I meant." "It doesn't make the question irrelevant." "This is what I mean." "It is too easy to fit the pieces where you want them to go." "Did your father have a problem with alcohol?" "Yes." "And are you using it as an excuse?" "No." "Then how am I manipulating you?" "You have no intention of writing me that prescription, do you?" "No, Colonel." "I would have if you hadn't revealed your alcoholism." "I won't, as a rule, prescribe medication to those with a history of substance abuse." "On the other hand," "I don't believe you have any intention of leaving here until you've talked things out." "So, who's manipulating whom?" "I don't know, but it doesn't matter because I am leaving." "Thanks." "One last question." "Why do you always choose to be alone?" "Can you tell me what you were feeling?" "More than I intended." "That, Colonel, is grief." "I just realized what a beautiful day it is... was." "Welcome to the moment." "Yeah, I've been preoccupied." "For good reason." "Did I make you miss your daughter's thing?" "My husband's taping it." "Was it a party or something?" "Piano recital." "I'm sorry." "Don't apologize." "Just stop resisting." "I want to be able to help you, as I would any patient." "Mm, I'm back to being a patient now, am I?" "You're the one who chose to return." "I must need you." "You just need to know how you feel." "I'm getting clearer." "For example?" "I've always wanted to carry a child." "Raising one is not enough." "Why?" "There's an attorney I work with." "His, uh, wife used to run the office." "They have two children, and she's pregnant with twins." "She just left JAG to become a full-time mom, and I thought she was having misgivings about putting off her career." "So I visited her, and I asked her about it." "She admitted that she missed her job, but it couldn't hold a candle to having a child." "She said that being pregnant was was a spiritual experience for her, like collaborating with God." "And then, she showed me a picture of her latest ultrasound." "I had never seen one before." "The fetuses were positioned in a way that looked like they were praying." "It took my breath away." "I've never created anything." "And now that option is gone." "Theoretically." "You must play the lottery." "I don't, actually, but I think those who do, in a small way, are rejecting the notion of limitations." "You want to create something?" "Create opportunities." "Or at least embrace those available to you." "Harm." "You've got a history to overcome." "Hmm." "But two of his suggestions, if they worked, could result in pregnancy." "It's too late." "Not yet." "I haven't told you everything." "Hey." "I was gonna say" "I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd stop by, but, um, there's nothing in your neighborhood." "You want to talk?" "That would be good." "Can it wait until the morning?" "You busy?" "Well, w-we were about to sit down." "Oh, I thought Mattie was with her dad." "She is." "Hey, Colonel." "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to butt in, but the timer just went off." "Oh, uh, hang on one second." "Why don't you come in?" "No, no, um, you guys enjoy your meal." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I was just in the neighborhood, so..." "Okay." "Um, tell him I'll call him later." "Did you call him?" "No." "Why not?" "He was making dinner for another woman." "He didn't want to talk to me." "Well, that's an assumption, isn't it?" "He could have been heating up a pizza for all you know." "He could have said that he would talk to me later, but what he said was he'd call me the next day." "Did he?" "I don't know." "I left early." "You have no direct evidence that he slept with this woman." "No." "So, why go down that road?" "There are no stop signs." "Stop, Colonel." "When did this happen?" "Last night." "What did you want to talk to him about?" "Why I couldn't sleep." "Thought he might have some answers." "Are you angry with him?" "No." "He has every right to give up on me." "This is the second time I knocked on his door after waiting too long." "What if he still does want you?" "He doesn't." "He's moved on." "In ways, actually, I admire." "Such as?" "His relationship with Mattie has helped him grow." "It's hard to admit, but in some ways," "I think he's passed me." "So catch up." "I'm not sure I know where to start." "Why do you believe John deceived you?" "Was it because he didn't care about you?" "I assume so." "Was that true?" "When I think about it, it's hard to imagine." "So maybe the answer is more complicated." "If I could look at the big picture, there were probably lives at stake." "U.S. servicemen." "Maybe John sacrificed your relationship for what he considered to be the greater good." "But he could have made me part of it." "He didn't have to leave me out." "Maybe he didn't feel safe enough to include you in the first place." "Ah, you're saying he didn't trust me?" "Maybe not enough." "He's a spook." "He doesn't trust anyone." "He trusted his mother." "But he still betrayed me." "No doubt." "But if I could have that conversation ever again," "I would probably ask different questions." "Maybe you can." "Oh, he's gone." "I will never see him again." "Well, you'll definitely see Harm." "I'm not looking forward to that." "Why not?" "I thought you wanted to bring him closer." "It's too late." "Really?" "Well, what are your chances?" "Put a number on it." "About the same as my chances of getting pregnant." "Less than five percent." "Well, that's not zero." "Well, 96% of me says it is." "All right, think of me as your loan officer." "I am offering you a four percent return on your personal investments, a satisfying conclusion to your former relationship, a bright outlook on a future one, a shot at having a family." "It's better than a T-bill." "Throw in the toaster, and I'm in." "I have to go." "So do I." "Do you need a ride somewhere?" "Uh, no." "I have my car, but thank you." "I hope your daughter understands." "I'll make it up to her." "Think you'll sleep tonight?" "I don't know." "Stay positive." "Why not?" "Maybe I'll leave the lights on." "Inhalation therapist, call 1614..." "Hey." "What happened?" "I, um..." "I wasn't paying attention, and I took a curve too fast." "I'm sorry, Mac." "How did you know?" "Well, you were, uh..." "You were repeating my name." "One of the paramedics called." "He, uh... he looked in your PDA, got my number." "You're up." "Good." "Hello." "Are you related to our patient?" "A friend." "Ah." "Well, she is very fortunate." "No broken bones or internal injuries, and the airbag bruise on your face should fade in three to five days." "But my car was totaled." "I shouldn't have even survived." "Merry Christmas." "That's great." "It's amazing." "I'm gonna stay here tonight." "Did you go to the wall yet?" "I'll go to the wall next year." "I've been pushing you away." "Yeah, you have." "I'm sorry." "It's okay." "You had to, uh, figure some things out." "I understand." "Look..." "Mac..." "Nothing's changed, I'm still here." "Let's just enjoy the good news." "Be happy." "You're alive." "You know what makes the news better?" "We both are." "To all our friends and family and loved ones back home, we just all want to get together and say..." "Happy holidays!" "Ooh-rah!"