" Was he on his own?" " Why?" "If he wasn't, it ends in " i" ." "I've not agreed it yet." "No, he was alone." "Him and the other guy..." "No, there were several." " The old lady was like a witch!" " You said it was an old man!" "I didn't!" ""An old man accosted me" ." "He sold me the sick horse." "The same old man?" " Old lady." " Sire, let's move on." "Any more changes?" " Changes?" " This is the 3rd time!" "I've got "old man" here." "I'm not going to do it all again!" "We just don't understand." "We're making changes as we go along!" "Make them yourselves." "I give up!" "I'm sorry." "I'd just done a superb "S" ." "That's when Sir Caradoc limped up." "Cramp in my thigh!" "I go towards him, but the storm makes my horse bolt." "Wasn't your horse dead?" " Which one?" " What?" "How many do you have?" "One." "One died." "You had two?" "Which one ran away?" "The sick one?" "They were both sick." "I put, "A faithful charger" ." "There wasn't a 2nd." "Who cares?" "The other's dead!" "You misunderstand." "Know how long it takes to write with this stupid quill?" " You don't have to do it." " He does!" "One wonders why?" "So you're in the legend!" "I've a legend to write out of your moribund horses!" " You're out of line!" " Take your bumph away!" "Who wants your books?" "No one reads Latin." "If no one cares, I'll save my fingers!" "No, you note everything down!" "But we don't need massive letters with flowers and angels!" "The drawings are all I understand." "Once past the border post, you were fine?" "I found my bearings." " You came back, the end." " The end." "Did you manage to get it down?" "It's marvellous!" "It's all stained and so crossed out that I've made holes in the paper." "It looks like an old floorcloth!" "It's the story that counts." "It's hardly anything to write home about." "Maybe you can redo it later?" "A shame to lose it." ""The fabulous legend of Percival's sick horse"." "I'm talking rot!" "The old man was before!" "No, I'm right." "The old lady gave my horse a cold." "Can you change it?" "No!" "I saved the mother and daughter!" "Can you change it?" "I don't know." "I'm trying something new:" "blotting out the mistakes with gold armour paint." "It's..." "It's splendid!" "Don't you think it's classy?" "What is it?" "You were snoring." " Sorry." ""Sorry?"" "You woke me up!" "I have to get up early!" "There's nothing, Bors." "Wait a minute." "It might come back." "We're freezing our nuts off here!" "I'm up in 4 hours." "There's no one here!" "I'm not crazy!" "Your father was there, on your throne, his hair tousled, surrounded by a hazy white light." "He said he'd return to power..." "I don't know what you ate for supper, but you had what's known as a bad dream." "Your father, Sire..." "He's buried in the crypt with his crown and armour." "He couldn't stay in power when alive, let alone dead!" " Kaamelott's haunted!" " It's not!" "He's reclaiming his place!" "His place was never here!" "Kaamelott didn't exist!" "It was him!" "I recognised him!" "Father's hair wasn't tousled." "He wore it smoothed down, and he wasn't hazy." "Go to bed." "Can I go to bed now?" "And leave me here alone?" "You're outside your room!" "Who'll take me to bed?" "Will this never end?" "I've traipsed around with my candle long enough!" "I beg you, stay with me!" "Your father's ghost wants revenge!" "Last week in Orcania," "King Lot tore a knight's tongue out for soiling his shoes." "How does the ghost fit in?" "I'm fairly flexible as kings go." "You wake me to say my dad's wandering about." "I get up, I look, I wait for hours." "When it's obvious there's nothing - because there isn't " "I walk you back because you're shitting yourself!" "I'm not shitting myself!" "This is of major importance!" "Pendragon wants revenge!" "You're in danger!" "Thanks for your concern." "I'll be fine." " You're going?" " Yes, to bed!" " I'll come too." " No way!" "If the King's in danger, I escort him!" "You'll walk me to my room and come back?" "That's right." "Except, you'll have to see me back." "Bors, I'll lock you in the dungeon." "Wait!" "Listen to me!" "I'm listening!" "But I warn you, you'll be on dry bread and water." "I see no other solution." "You'll be able to think things over and get a bit of perspective." "You don't wake the King up." "Twice!" "I heard cries in the corridor!" "So why didn't I hear them?" " You were asleep!" " Precisely." "What do we do, Sire?" "Go to bed or I lock you up!" "You're free to ignore my warnings." "Thank you." "But you have to see me to my room!" "What have you been up to?" "Seeing to Bors." "You know what I mean." "You do as you please!" "No, I..." "Never mind!" "This time, I'm doing it!" "By the way," "I need someone I can trust for a mission." "Can you find me a knight who's..." "Trustworthy?" " That's it." "Tricky." "What is it?" "To watch the Queen while I'm away." "I'll do it." "May I have a word?" " What's wrong?" " Nothing." "Why are you here on your own?" "I'm walking round the castle." "Is is forbidden?" "You don't have much to do." "Sir Lancelot will watch you while I'm away." "What have I done?" " " Done"?" " Nothing!" "It's so I don't pig myself?" "What's that got to do with it?" "I'm old enough to know what I can and can't eat!" "That's nothing to do with it!" "What is it, then?" "Shut up and I'll tell you!" "What's this " keeping watch"?" "It's done." " Where, pray?" " Everywhere." " Where?" " Everywhere!" "When Calogrenant goes away he locks his wife in her room!" " You see?" " You wouldn't lock me in?" " No!" " It's an example." " Calogrenant's an oaf." " Towards his wife." "I didn't say I'd do the same!" "What musn't I do?" " Do as you like." " That's right!" " As she likes..." " Like now." " Nothing more." " Nothing less, either." "Thanks, but I don't want this." "I decide, not you!" "I have no say?" "Speaking of Calogrenant, what's that thing with the key?" " A chastity belt." " That's it." "A chastity thing." " One's being forged." " What?" "Absolutely not!" "I knew this would be tricky." "I think it's a revolting practice!" "See it from the traditional side." "Locked into a metal thing all day?" " It's rather off-putting." " That's the idea!" "I don't need a belt to put you off!" "It's not me, it's the others!" "What others?" "The others!" "When I come back, it comes off!" "Whatever for?" "Lose the key, it wouldn't matter to you!" "Don't change the subject." "It's traditional." "Why should I get the belt?" "I'm the only woman you never touch!" "That's enough!" "I've nothing against tradition." "I'll wear it if I have to." "That's not the problem." "It's so people know he has authority over you." "I know." "I shout, but..." "Maybe you could wear it during the day, so people can see." "I'll discretely undo it at night, so that you can sleep." "That's so kind!" " OK?" " Were they happy?" "I didn't have much this week." "Some people saved from a fire..." "He wasn't impressed?" "He's used to more." " I see." " He's used to nothing from us!" "I could put it like this:" ""Aboard their craft, Percival and Caradoc" "" brave the Giant Snake and return glorious to the village."" " All right?" " It's not bad!" "We weren't aboard a craft." "What was it then?" "Nothing." "We were on the shore." "I took off my boots." "We went in up to our knees." "So the Giant Snake attacked you at the edge of the lake?" "In this much water?" "About that." "How big was the Giant Snake?" "About so long." " Little ones are tricky!" " They slip away!" "So, you actually caught an eel?" "How do I put that?" "The locals gave you a heroes welcome?" "The eels need culling." "We helped!" "You're not fish wardens!" "We were a bit surprised." "They kept going on about the Giant Snake." " At the lake, we found it." " We caught it." "Did you go out far?" "No, it was right there." "Maybe there was a real Snake further out!" "Two Giant Snakes?" "Besides the eels and small fry there was a Giant Snake, but not at the edge!" "In the meantime..." " What do I put?" " No idea." "You'll go back?" "It's further than Scotland!" " 40 days there." " The same back." "This took you 3 months?" "The Quest for the Giant Snake." "3 months, and they bring back an eel!" " We didn't." " We left it as a trophy!" "Eels stink." "They're in a stinking mood!" "We weren't impressive." "Their day won't be wasted with me!" "They're really crabby." "We had a Giant Snake, villagers..." "I've a fight with demons, unrequited love and even a dragon!" " Wow!" " A dragon?" "Thrills guaranteed." "We should team up!" "Pool our knowledge!" "We've slayed so many monsters..." "We tend to rest on our laurels." ""As the Red Dragon" ""gave its gold to our hero," ""sparks of rage shot" ""from the pupil of his crimson eye."" "Not bad!" ""Crimson eye" is good." "Deep blue would be good too." "Deep blue?" "One can always cheat, but how was it really?" "" Really"?" "Hang on..." "Is this stuff meant to be true?" "You know your roof's caving in?" "You're a roofer now?" "As I sat here this morning, a bird this big fell on me!" "A bird?" " What did I say?" " Something stupid." "What's scary about birds?" "Don't even talk about them!" "A fear of wolves or dragons would be rational." "It's not attack by wolves people fear, it's the bloodthirsty nocturnal predator." "I'm not afraid of them." "But I can understand:" "the night, the forest, the darkness could be scary." " But birds..." " They're horrible!" "Little sparrows and things are sweet." " They're monsters!" " But why?" "They don't have arms!" " What?" " Birds don't have arms." "It's awful!" "I always think they're going to topple forwards!" "Snakes are worse!" "They've no arms." "Do they upset you?" "I don't mind snakes." " I didn't say it was logical." " A good thing too." "Where's our daughter?" "Eating in her room." "How civilised." "Why?" "Since she heard about the birds she refuses to eat here." "I don't believe it!" "My kid's scared of birds and I didn't even know!" "It's not just birds." "Her list of phobias is endless!" "But I should have known." "She says it's because they don't have arms." "What rubbish!" "I wouldn't think he had problems either." " Are you kidding?" " In terms of phobias." "How about wasps?" " What about them?" " It's not true." "He thinks they'll fly into his mouth." "Get stung in the throat, you die!" "So he holds his breath." "Remember that time he went all blue?" "That was why?" "Gawain's cousin got stung." "They had to open his neck!" "That's why he eats in the kitchen all summer!" "Him in the kitchens, his sister in her room..." "How weird can you get." "What's happening?" "What's that at the end of the bed?" " What?" " That thing!" "Do something!" " But what?" " The green thing!" "It's my hair scarf!" " Oh, my God!" " What did you think it was?" "Nothing." "It was coiled up." "It looked like..." " Like what?" " Nothing." "Forget it." "You're not scared of snakes, are you?" "Don't be so stupid." "What's that?" "Why didn't you tell me?" " Nothing to tell." " It's all right to be scared." "I'm not bloody scared!" "It's because they've no arms." "Stop talking rubbish." "They walk on their stomachs." "How creepy's that?" "Are you eating with the Roman centurion tomorrow?" "Ask him to bring some goat nostrils in honey." "I love them." "Apparently, they're a real aphrodisiac." "No, he can't get any more." "I asked him, but he can't." "Really." "You're good at war, but your food..." "Come to Rome." "See how it's done!" "You go." "We'll join you there." "Don't be offended." "You've good food but bad manners." "Guests shouldn't criticise!" "We're occupying the country." "I'm not a guest." "Occupying?" "You still believe that?" "I bet I could catapult you into the Coliseum!" "We're only talking!" "Rome's finished." "Everyone knows." "What's your Emperor called?" "Romulus Augustus." "How old is he?" "Eleven-and-a-half." "A real superpower!" "He's mature for his age." "And the aquaducts?" "Did you build those?" "Must you bring them up every time?" "They're more stylish than your dried shit walls!" "I'm just saying..." "Kaamelott's dried shit?" "Kaamelott's well built." " It's Irish stone!" " It's a marvel!" "It's all square." "There are no columns." "A couple of columns add a bit of class!" "Didn't you steal them from the Greeks?" "Don't start me on that." "It'll get ugly!" " What didn't you steal from them?" " The suits!" "Yes!" "The little skirts with metal strips are Roman." "I always said I hated them, but it's the uniform." "They're impressive!" "The Ostrogoths are terrified by them!" "Centurion Caius Camilus!" "That's nasty." "You're federated." "Show some respect." "We do!" "We're scared stiff!" "OK?" "Go on, eat." "It'll get cold." "I've some doe pancreas with prunes if you fancy it?" "Isn't it odd to be led by a 10-year-old?" "He'll be dead within 2 months." "There are 2 putsches a year in Rome." "Some say he's the last." "When he's gone, people will only visit Rome for the ruins." "We're breaking camp." "We're all going home." " No kidding!" " You're joking?" "About time." "I've not seen my kids for 16 years!" "You'll be bored without us!" "Orders are to burn everything before we go." "What?" "Set fire to everything." "I won't, though." " Really?" " You invited me to lunch..." "We didn't invite you." "You're the occupying force..." "We have to submit to the invader!" "Thanks, but don't bother." "You Romans knew about expansion." "Not long ago, every inch of habitable land was stamped S.P.Q.R!" "That's all over." "All good things come to an end." " No!" " You laughed at our caterpillars in strawberry puree, our sea urchin balls and all that junk." "The food's a bit over the top." "But the rest's fine!" "Meat balls to help the drink down!" "On the house!" "Thanks, landlord!" "I like it when you're here." "People feel safe." "Having knights here is prestigious." "We'll let you lock up." "You're no bother!" "We'll be in trouble." "A round of Owl's Arse?" " That's not a bad idea." " What?" " If you've got the time?" " For what?" " A quick round of Owl's Arse?" " What?" "It'll help us unwind." " You start." " We're off." "A bad start." "A blue-red." " A blue-red?" " What?" "What are you doing?" "You're playing by the Aquitaine rules!" "What?" " Owl's Arse!" " My luck's terrible!" "This and the other two makes 44!" "Is he raising it by 15?" "What?" "I wouldn't." "You've under 30." " Throw as normal." " Don't influence him!" "Be fair!" "In Aquitaine they don't play to score." " Go on." " Your turn." "So?" " What?" " Say "Owl's Arse"!" ""Owl's Arse"?" "That's it." ""Owl's Arse" ." " You're doubling?" " What?" "Look out!" "With less than 30, if you don't get it, you're out!" "Do it if you want." "It's risky." "You're the boss." "It was risky." "No harm in trying." "You're out of the game." "Pity, but it's the rules." "Pity, it was great." " Time to go home." " It's good to play now and then." "How about Grellottine?" "What?" " It's a Welsh game." " I don't know it." "It's easy." "We use beans or lentils." "The first guy says, "throw 16" or "32" , or a quadruple throw, 64." "It goes by 16, apart from half-throws." "The guy on the left raises by 4, " pass-grellos"" "or bets he'll get 7 and try a "grellottine" ." "If the other bets don't make up the difference, he wins." "Now the bets go by 1 7." "He announces a quadruple, worth 68, slaps the beans and says," ""Grellotte, that's hot!" and plays on." "Yes." "I'm out of lentils and beans." "Damn!" "When he said prestige..." "Yes?" "Was he taking the piss?" "His only customers are tramps." "Being prestigious isn't hard." "So, for our prestige, we should hang out with tramps." " How did you do that?" " Cutting cheese." " Seriously?" " How do you think?" "Fighting!" "It looks ugly." "I'm sorry." "Not too disgusted?" "Get rid of it so I can go back!" "I have to clean it first." "What?" "I may have to sew it up." "Do what you usually do!" "Mumble rubbish, invoke a few gods, close it up and we're done!" "We don't do it like that any more." " Really?" " No." "That old Celtic stuff's for hicks." "It's science now." " What's new?" " Everything!" "We've products, treatments, convalescence... 6 days in bed." "Let that heal!" "6 days?" "In 30 seconds I'm out of here!" " What's that?" " A relaxant." "You're tense." "It's the shock." "Watch out for tense people!" "Move your arse and heal me!" "Our guys are getting thrashed!" "You just pumped me with relaxant!" "How can I?" "Cast a spell." "We'll try science next time." "I'm casting nothing like this!" "It's too dangerous." "Spells are out." "It's calculations now." " Where's the pain?" " I'll give you pain!" "I'll disinfect it!" "Wounds trap dirt!" "It's you who didn't want to close it!" "I will, but not by magic." "With a needle and thread." "I've no time for embroidery!" "We're being thrashed!" "Salt's the fastest disinfectant." "I'm not a shoulder of lamb!" "It's science." "Don't worry if it stings." "It's not nice..." "Get it off, you lunatic!" "Give it a try!" "Try this!" "Get it off or I'll kill you!" "You have to follow the treatment!" "Isn't a good old spell simpler?" "Simple or not, magic's out of date." "It has one huge advantage." "Lose both arms, 5 mins later you're fighting fit!" "It's hopeless for the enemy!" "Druids pass for bumpkins in society." "It's a sign." "Does the modern stuff have fireballs?" "Showers of stones?" "No, but it's got dosage." "You have to be spot on or there are side effects." "People with minor complaints still die, because of the dosage!" "I'd treat fashion with caution." "A week in bed for a cut..." "It'll never catch on." " You think not?" " What's it called again?" "Medicine." "What will they think of next!" " How did you do that?" " Cutting cheese." "No, seriously!" "I was eating, the knife slipped." "I'm unlucky in battle." "Against the Vikings, a bee stung me on the eye!" "Do women ever sit at the Round Table?" " No." " I see." "I suppose you all shout and slap each other on the back." "No." "So why aren't women allowed?" "They are." "Do you want to come?" "No." "Calogrenant, are you going to sulk all session?" "I've never been so humiliated!" "It's not our fault!" "It's the cobbles on those stupid Roman roads." "Did you hurt yourself?" "It's not that." "I fell in a puddle." "My armour rusted and seized up!" "Why ride from Caledonia in armour?" "You should wear something light and comfortable." " Linen, or..." " A knight wears armour." "The King, the Round Table, demand a minimum of dignity!" "Dignity?" " Get up again." " No." "Go on, get up." "Get up." "I can't let the session go on." "It's all right." "We can't see anything." "I'm no stickler for principles but a bare-arsed knight is too much!" "The humiliation of it!" "Sir Calogrenant, I'm sorry..." " I need armour!" " We've only one suit each." "Apart from our King." "Lend me some greaves." " No." " No?" "It's personal." "And anyway..." " Anyway?" " You're unclad." "It's foul." "I'm impeccably clean!" "It's not my fault you fell in a puddle." "What if he covered his legs?" " With what?" " Some cloth." "To make you decent." "Would that do?" "It hardly befits a knight, but all right." "The Roman who invented these bloody roads should be force-fed cobbles!" "Will a cloth do?" " Have I a choice?" " Wait!" "A cloth's no good at all!" "It's armour or official dress!" "Consider me officially bare-arsed!" "Official and decent." "I need both." " Let's get finished." " I don't believe it!" "Wrap it round your legs and let's get on." "Satisfied?" "Completely." "I'm not." "It's decent!" "But not official." "This isn't a fancy dress ball!" "What can we do?" " I've done enough!" " We've one solution." "Make a checked skirt official Caledonian dress." "Humiliate my native land over some armour?" "It's an order." "So, a skirt, official dress, Caledonia." " We can continue." " I feel sick." "You listened to what I said." "I'm very touched." "What you said?" "I saw you leaving the Round Table." "There was a woman." "It's wonderful." "It was Calogrenant in official Caledonian dress." "And your official dress?" " Is it a skirt, too?" " No." "I'm not a girl!" " Who's next?" " Your nephew and brother-in-law." " I've no brother-in-law." " Your wife's brother!" "My wife's brother?" "Oh, yes!" " Your brother-in-law." " I always forget him." "Just then, a horde of Hindus appeared and blocked the road." "A horde of Hindus?" "3 warriors and a sorcerer!" "4 guys isn't "a horde" ." "What is it?" "Four." "What were Hindus doing there?" "It's possible." "They turn up on the Silk Road." "You're sure they were Hindu?" "Did they have elephants?" "No, but their horses were weird!" "Huge grey things with tails on their foreheads." "Elephants." "They could have been Hindu." "Just then, the sorcerer threatened us with his private parts!" "He had hair like this!" "A skinny old naked guy!" "With 3 inch nails in his tongue!" "That's a fakir." "I send you to recce a Grail mission in northern Gaul, and you find a fakir!" "We were stuck!" "The warriors trapped us." "Then the sorcerer got out his stick." "It was a wand." "No, a stick this big." "If it had gone in our eyes..." "He insulted us in Hindu." "Terrifying!" "He insulted you?" "You speak Hindu?" "He seemed very cross." " He wound his thing round the stick!" " What?" " It's true!" " He wound and unwound it!" "To limber it up." "What are you on about?" "He did it for a good 5 minutes." "We were so embarrassed." "Then he lifted weights with it." "" Lifted weights"?" "First little, then big ones." "Lifted them with what?" "With his knob!" "He tied on strings and lifted them!" "What did he want with you?" " We didn't know." " He went on for 30 minutes!" "Fiddling with himself!" "It was gross!" "After the weights, he drove a huge nail into his thigh!" "Fakirs do that." "They pierce themselves without bleeding!" "He was pouring blood!" "Judging by the others' faces, there was a snag." "He was holding his leg and yelling at everyone." "When did the fighting start?" "There wasn't any." "We thought we'd get a basketing!" "A guy came up with a little wicker basket." "I wonder if he was asking for financial contributions?" "I thought that." "Like bear tamers, when they pass the hat." "I'd have given, too." "But it was really creepy!" "I could put that they met some Hindus..." "That's no good, either." "Go for the exotic, mysterious angle." "No, I'm sorry." "I can't mythologise a guy who wraps his dick round a stick!" "Never mind." "Forget it." "I can't even say it in Latin." " What, dick?" " No, fakir." "I'm going to bed, I'm bushed." "I'll finish here." "I've been up 30 hours!" "Can't I take 2 minutes?" "What did I say?" "" I'll finish" meaning "I do all the work"?" "Oh." "Good night, then." "See you tomorrow." "What do you mean, "See you tomorrow"?" "What do we talk about?" "This and that." "Go to bed, Bors." "We attack at dawn." "You'll be zonked." "I can't sleep for all these terrifying noises!" "It's only animals." "What's reassuring about that?" "We're in a forest." "There are animals." "But what kind?" "I don't know." "All sorts." "Rabbits?" "If you like, Bors." "Tiny, sweet, harmless young rabbits, squabbling in the ferns." "Aren't they funny little things!" "There." "Don't worry." "Go to bed." "See?" "I didn't scream!" "Help!" "It's all right!" "It would be lying to say there were only rabbits in the forest." "What else is there?" "Everything!" "It's a forest!" " Pheasants?" " I don't know." "Why not?" "Are there or not?" "You're a pain!" "I'm not a game warden!" "Are you afraid of pheasants?" "Yes." " Pheasants?" " Seen the size of them?" "Pheasants are birds!" "I find birds 4-foot long quite terrifying!" "This is going to be tricky." "A wounded pheasant will peck at a man." "There are no pheasants." "You're just saying that." "No." "This is Sir Dagonet's hunting ground." "When he hunts animals, he stuffs and displays them." "I didn't see any stuffed pheasants at his place." "What did you see?" "Rabbits." "Full-grown rabbits?" "Now you mention it, they were young." " Young rabbits?" " That's right." "What else?" "As I recall, it was just rabbits." "Young rabbits." "OK, that's a full-grown one." "Won't you go to bed yet?" "Swear the most dangerous animal here is a full-grown rabbit!" "I swear!" "Happy?" "They're the only dangerous things here." " No pheasants?" " None." " No weasels?" " No." " Little ferrets?" " No." " Young mice?" " As far as I know." " Gerbils?" " Nope." " A little one?" " Nothing!" " Fine." " What are you up to?" "Not asleep?" " We were talking." " About this and that." "And you?" "I went for a piss and a 10ft bear laid into me!" "No, it was a full-grown rabbit." "No, a bear." "When I said bear I was showing off." "It was dark..." "It was a rabbit." "A full-grown one?" "I don't know." " He wasn't big." "A teenager." " Middle aged." " But it wasn't a pheasant?" " No!" "I wouldn't be showing off now if it had been!" "Many grievances today?" "Yes, over a dozen." " It's a stupid idea." " Sire?" "Invite people to come and complain, and complain they will!" "I'm not one to make a fuss, but settle this, or I will, with a shovel!" "I wanted a friendly agreement, but he won't have it." " I'm for diplomacy." " Killing my donkey's diplomacy?" "An unfortunate accident." "It used to graze in my meadow." "My dogs got it." "They were only doing their job!" "Let's not waste time on this." "Guethenoc, you want compensation?" "You bet!" "A hard-working donkey, Sir Lancelot..." "Roparzh?" "Friendly agreement, fine, but as for compensation, he can go hang himself!" "Don't be surprised if some barns don't burn down soon." "I'm used to settling disputes." "My dogs go straight for the nuts!" "Guethenoc, why was your donkey in his meadow?" "You've land enough!" "It was a good little donkey." "I let it wander." "It was no ass!" "It turned up at my place!" "You should see his meadow!" "Mud, holes and shit everywhere!" "While yours...?" "Quite different." "I know my job." "Visit him, you'll see." "A sure sign: his beasts reek of piss." "Pass his gate, it hits you in the face!" "A lousy job!" "I'm not a perfumer." "People clamour for my produce!" "Unlike yours!" "His cheeses!" "Black balls you have to throw at a rock to cut!" "Enough to give you the runs!" " You don't have to eat them." " Good thing!" "Silence!" "Roparzh, do you have a donkey?" "He's swimming in them!" "A few." "Why?" "Give one to Guethenoc." "What?" "You're kidding!" "It's the least you can do." "But his was 75!" "It was half dead!" "A wonderful, glossy beast!" "Moth-eaten and toothless!" "Elegant, smart..." " A mess!" " A marvel!" "It gave my dogs typhus!" "Stop!" "His donkey was worth half mine." "Give him half a donkey." "What do you mean, Sire?" "Cut a donkey in half and give it to him." "Sire, do you mean it?" " I won't do it!" " What good's that?" "What good's this nonsense!" "I've suffered 90 minutes of "My donkey" and "My dogs" !" "Enough!" "Here!" "You can buy 150 donkeys with that." "Now get out." "Clear off!" "I'm sorry." "We're supposed to be arbitrators." "I arbitrated a bit hard there, but..." "What's the next grievance?" "A peasant lad's lost some eggs." "Lost some eggs?" "A lot of them." "He's worried." "Hardly top class, today's grievances." "The amount you eat in Britain!" "No wonder you fight at a snail's pace." "I'd kill the chef, but he keeps stopping me." "I'm quite capable of killing my own chef." "Back home in Carmelide, 2 chefs die a week." " Right, son?" " Right." "Sorry to bother you while you're eating, but when will we be seeing the heir?" "You're on thin ice, Father-in-law." "We're thinking about it..." "We keep asking, but nothing!" "We've lost heart." "Two pounds of meat in the belly makes one less active in the bedroom!" "The wall joints crack with the snoring!" "Lord Goustan, surely there's no rush?" "I'm not 90, as far as I know." "I'm not too senile to rule!" "If you die in battle, we've had it." "Don't worry." "Well hidden behind 3 rows of archers you're pretty safe." "You've time to eat your breakfast!" "We talk regularly about having children." "Talking won't make them come, granddaughter!" "You have to shift your backside!" "Unless your nuts are atrophied?" "Preserved in fat?" "Avoid that modern nonsense with your kids!" "Kindness, caresses, cuddles..." "All that rubbish." "Hate your children." "That's the way to make them aggressive." "A little kiss from time to time..." "Kisses don't make Heads of State!" "The farmer who raised me loved me." "I'm OK." "It's because you were coddled by a namby-pamby gardener you rule like a woman!" "The phrase I was after: a woman!" "When he's stabbed by a traitor, he'll regret being so soft." "Look at my son, Leodegan." "I treated him like an arsehole and see the result!" "Everyone calls him..." ""The Bloodthirsty" ." "I thought that was you?" "No, I'm "Goustan the Cruel" ." "That's right." "And you're, "Arthur the Just"." "That's right." "Why not "The Good" or "The Nice"?" ""The Soft" ." ""The Sweet" ." "My husband is greatly respected." "People visit us from afar." "He's a worldwide attraction!" "As for watch towers on the West coast, forget it!" "The invaders have their route mapped out for them!" "We're open to danger." "The same with the Romans." "Does he aim to treat with every crook on the continent?" "Let me make this clear." "I may not be " Bloodthirsty" ,"Cruel" , "Murderous"" "or " Degenerate" ..." "The Romans arrived before me." "They've brought us roads, aquaducts, medicine, schools..." "Even a theatre!" "He thinks he's Greek now!" "I'd knock it down and build barracks." "No!" "I know it's boring, but..." "You're not to touch the theatre!" "The daughter and wife forbid the father." "It's the beginning of the end." "The problem in Carmelide is the falling population." "Everyone's leaving." "You behead people for blinking!" "We always have." "Hence the depopulation." "I wonder where they go, those nauseating peasants!" "They come here." "They prefer "The Just" to "The Bloodthirsty" ." "One more and I'll be off!" " Coming!" " Hurry!" "I'm in a rush!" "So!" " What's it today?" " I forget." "The Cauldron of something..." "More magic stuff." "The Cauldron of what?" ""The Cauldron of..."" "I can't remember." "It's magic." "It'll end up in the cellar." " Sire!" " What?" "What are we looking for?" "The Gleaming Cauldron." "I knew it was a cauldron but I forgot the rest." "I hope it's here." "There's a salamander drawn on a stone somewhere." "What's "gleaming"?" "It means shining." "A cauldron that shines." "But only when we cast the "Summoning Spell" ." "It'll help us see it." "We're casting a spell?" "We read the magic parchment, making no mistakes, and the cauldron gleams." " Not bad!" " Great." "Do you mean the parchment you gave me earlier?" " That's the one." " I left it at the inn." "A 3-league walk for this!" "What's on it?" "I don't know." "I can't read." "Can't you do without it?" "No, it sets off magic stuff." "Without it, we disintegrate." "It sounds very specific." "You have to read it exactly right." "Miss a word, you go up in flames!" "But you can't read!" "It's to tell you how evil it is!" "My cousin works with plague victims." "He has the safer job!" "Yours is more prestigious." "Getting a cauldron out of a cellar?" "It's better than a soup bowl!" "It'll end up in a cupboard." "The junk we've got!" "Destruction shields, metamorphosis halberds." "We've a stool that transports you to a bar stool in France!" "France?" "The "Transport Seat" ." "I was the first to try it." "It took me 20 days to get home!" "I should've just sat down again." "I got into trouble for bringing back the stool that belonged there." "They still work." "But side by side, it's not the same." "I hate to throw you out, but..." "One for the road and off to get another wigging." "Who's going to read it?" " You or me?" " Me, normally." "I'd rather that." "I thought you couldn't read?" "And we mustn't make mistakes." "No, no mistakes." "I don't know anything about magic." "Nor do I. We just read the parchment." "One slip, disintegration!" "That's why I don't read." "It's a con." "I can't anyway." "Give me the spell, I'll do it." "Sure you won't be sorry?" "Hurry up!" "I can't!" "Can't what?" "I left it at the inn again!" "This thing's a real pain!" "I put it aside." "No one touched it." "I've got to go!" " One for the road?" " A quick one." "He'll say I've been dawdling again!" "Mother's coming tomorrow." "You've told me 15 times." "Don't worry, everything's ready." "I'm not worried." "Do your hair nicely tomorrow." "Today it was..." "Mother likes things tidy." "So, this is Kaamelott?" "Interesting." "Your rooms are ready." "Come whenever you want." "This stone is so light!" "It's from a quarry in Wales." "It's to blend in with Stonehenge." "Isn't it a bit garish?" "I don't think so." " Do you think it's vulgar?" " Yes." "Amongst other things." "Let's eat." "You must be hungry?" "You eat at this time here?" "We eat here when we're hungry." "When do you eat at Tintagel?" "When we've earned it." "When we've humbly done our duties and glorified our family." "We eat when we're hungry." "Not eating, Mother?" "It's all too rich for me." " Leave the gravy if it upsets you." " What upsets me is the opulence." "This would have fed 10 soldiers in your father's day." "There was a famine then." "I remember it." "There's lots of food now." "Why deprive ourselves?" "You lead your men to the front full of gravy and wine?" "I try to stay off dairy products before I go." "We pack oatcakes in his kit." "A little snacky-wack?" "Your mother's a riot." "You were brought up.." "I didn't bring him up." "It shows." "Let's change the subject." "To think Pendragon's blood runs in your veins!" "His dad was some guy." "Step on his toe, he'd have your eye out!" "I didn't know him." "It shows." "Sad not to know your father." "I had one." "An adopted one." "A farmer." "He was a knight, too." "A knight-farmer?" "More farmer than knight." "That's enough!" "Pendragon was dead." "It's not my fault." "Leave me alone!" "I'm sorry, it just came out." "What's wrong?" "You're just pecking." "Nothing." "I'm fine." "Should I have something else made?" "I said, I'm fine!" "Don't be horrid!" "Just go to bed if you're grumpy!" "You take that?" "In Pendragon's day..." "Shut up about Pendragon!" ""Step on his toe, he'd have your eye out!"" "Step on my toe, say "sorry" , I say "OK"." "I'm not a loony no one can talk to!" "Forget that jerk and eat what's on your plate!" "Is it far to Tintagel?" "With fresh horses, a day-and-a-half." "I'd say less." "Feel like talking?" "If you want." "About what?" "About your mother..." "Yes...?" "I was thinking, shouldn't she find herself a man?" "I don't want to talk after all." "What are those, Bors?" "Plums I froze on the windowsill." " Want one?" " Thanks." "It'll help me solve the Saxon invasion problem." "Fine." "Good luck!" " That's better!" " Shut up!" "It's too cold to stay outside." "They're right." "Be quiet!" "We mustn't be recognised." "We're regulars here." "Knights can't be seen propping up the bar!" "Hide your faces and shut up!" "The snow stops, we go." "What can I get you gentlemen?" " 4 goat's milks." " Come on!" "Won't the travellers take their coats off?" "We can't show our faces." "We're lepers." " Stop sighing." "We'll be noticed." " I hate milk." " Me too." " And me." " Shut it!" " We're disguised, we can drink!" "We'll be noticed if we keep ordering drinks, after all the leper business!" " Let's place one big order." " I'll do it." " Not you." " Why not?" "He knows your voice." "And yours." "Leodegan, you've never been here before?" "You order." "Quickly!" "He doesn't know my face." "I'm not hiding like an ex-convict." " What are you doing?" " Landlord!" "4 meads, a loaf and some cheese." "Coming up!" "He didn't recognise me." "We look stupid in our hoods!" " Take them off." " A knight in an inn's a disgrace!" "We've been in disgrace for years!" "A bit more won't hurt." "The house platter!" "Thanks, Landlord." "I didn't recognise you!" "What's up with your mate?" " He's sulking." " Why?" "Bravo!" "It's nothing, I'll be better soon." " Some more milk?" " No, thanks." " A relaxing infusion?" " No, really!" "A hot toddy?" "I could toss 3 eggs around a pan?" "You'd be comfier without your hood." "He doesn't recognise you either." "He does." "He just daren't say." "He'll start a rumour." "Stop worrying." "Anything else?" "No thank you." "Sire, may I have some more cheese?" "Why the "Sire"?" "It wasn't Sire, it was..." "Cyril." "Cyril." "That's my name." "What are you up to?" " I think I've been robbed." " By whom?" "I don't know." "Your new mistress was here..." "I'm not accusing her, but now my lunch has gone!" "The other day I went to the kitchens..." " I was starving - ...to ask that fat idiot for a snack." "No one was there." "I started shouting." "Not a soul!" "It was 2am." "I thought, "Sod it, I'll get it myself."" "I rummaged around and dug out some pâté and bread..." "The punch line had better be good!" "Let me finish." "I thought I'd eat in the kitchen, so I sat down and tucked in." "Just then... wait for this!" "I'm waiting, believe me!" "Your new mistress, the rude one..." "Azenor?" "She popped out from wherever she'd been hiding, came over, took my pâté and bread and ran away!" "With my grub!" "What do you say to that?" "I don't know." "The law's clear regarding pickpockets." "Won't a no-handed mistress be a problem?" "I steal." "That's that." "Our legal system is implacable." "That's also that!" "Where I come from, we steal food to live." "You're in Kaamelott now." "You're not a beggar." "I've never, ever begged!" "That's for tramps." "Stealing's different." "It's dignified!" "When I asked you to be my mistress..." "We need to talk about that." "Later." "That's not the issue." "When it is, I've a word on the subject." "No criticism but, your mistresses..." "They needn't be marchionesses, but don't recruit bandits!" "She's a peasant's daughter!" "So?" "Fancy spending 2 weeks with my folks?" "It's not like here!" "With only nettles to eat, of course we steal!" "It's inevitable!" "You know how to pick 'em!" "I don't go by background." "I'm not a dog-breeder!" "What do you go by?" "I don't know." "It's to do with..." " If you say " love" , I'm off!" " Me too!" "Look, it's simple." "You've enough to eat, so try to stop stealing." "The kitchen boys get it when food goes missing." "I'll do what I can." "You were clear, I must say." "She's great." "The only thing is..." "The bitch just stole my ring!" "I didn't mean to." "You can't have it." "I don't want it!" "Leave it alone, then!" "I can't take food or jewels..." "I hate being used!" "I'm not like your wife!" "Leave my wife out of this." "What I eat, I steal, or I don't eat at all." "Are you laughing at me?" " No." " What, then?" " Nothing!" " Liar!" "I like the fact you're..." "You're always..." " It's not unbearable?" " No." "I yell a bit, but it's not..." " Don't try to steal it again!" " I'm sorry." "Still there?" "It wasn't Azenor." "I apologised." "My food fell downstairs." "I always put it here and..." "Damn!" "What's wrong?" "I'm sure I had a plum tart..." "Who's the next grievant?" "I forget." "You might tell me!" "I don't know off by heart!" "I like to know who's next." "Why?" "We pretend to listen, say we can't help, and in an hour we stop for lunch." "Who cares who's next!" "I tell you, Sire, this is really upsetting me!" "I'm fussy about my flour." "I visit the millers myself." "But rumour has it, Kaamelott bread is the worst in Britain!" "It's a turn of phrase!" "Don't take it literally." "I'm sure the bread's worse in Ireland." "No, I was there last week." "It's bad, but better than ours." "You're spreading the rumour too!" "The rumour?" "You can't lie about it." " The bread's vile!" " It's not!" " It is!" " This is disgraceful!" "You're the one who's complaining!" "It's not our fault your bread's crap!" "There's wheat flour, barley, bran..." "Unique mixtures!" "Even chestnut flour!" "There's no better!" "All right." "Do you know Sir Caradoc?" "Of course." "No other courtier buys pâté by the pound!" "Do you realise, Sire, if everyone did that, we'd all be happy!" "We got him here because when it comes to chivalry, feats of arms, strategy... he's not so bright." " Not really." " We can say that?" "I didn't say a thing!" "But when it comes to food..." "He's the Prince of the Fork." "Except he eats with his fingers." " I'm the best." " He's here to taste your bread." "No problem." "I'm the best, too!" " It's all top quality." " Shall I?" "Go ahead." " Which first?" " Any one." "The most classic." "The wheat/rye mix you usually have." "So?" " It's crap." " What?" "You needn't be so explicit." "He's the specialist?" "Try and expand a bit." "It's crap, that's all." "If a landlord sold me that he'd get walloped." "Don't say you eat my pâté without bread?" "Do you think I'm stupid?" "What do you do?" "I import it from Aquitaine in sealed containers." "Act, before there's a massacre!" "It's crap." "That's all!" "You're impartial." "Taste it!" "I know this one." "Taste it!" "It's shameful to hear such talk!" "It's no use!" "It's bad with pâté, alone, it's like eating shoes." "It's a plot!" "We're trying to make things better." "Caradoc, tell him!" "It's cooked too fast, too hot." "It has no time to rise." " So?" " It's crap." "No hard feelings, Guethenoc?" "You're honest, I'll admit that." "You'll soon be Britain's top baker." "Thanks." "Have some chestnut-flour bread." "Tell me what you think." "I know it already." " And?" " It's crap." "Who are these arseholes?" "It's my afternoon tour!" "Don't you ever get bored?" "I don't do it for fun!" "But someone has to fill the coffers!" "I'm coming!" "Signing means 10,000 more men for the spring!" "It looks dodgy to me." "We are now entering the Throne Room, the legendary symbol of Arthurian power." "These tours wind me up." " It's the first for ages." " We must be broke." "...in reference to Stonehenge." "Still the same old rubbish!" "If you look towards the throne you'll see the famous Sir Lancelot and his faithful squire." "We now move on to the vaults, to visit the tomb of King Arthur, the legendary symbol of British greatness." "I know, I should have warned you." "About what?" "The visits to your tomb." "Have you gone completely nuts?" " Let me explain!" " Be quick!" "Firstly, we haven't a penny left." " Unlikely!" " It's true!" "You can shut up!" " I wanted money for..." " Enough!" "If I tell people you died in heroic circumstances, brandishing Excalibur with your dying..." "Yes?" "It's no longer tourists who come to visit us, but pilgrims." " What's the difference?" " The money." "A pilgrim's emotional." "The Divine presence..." "He pays up!" "Don't you realise?" "They'll say Arthur's dead!" "They won't." "Most don't speak English!" "Suppose we sign the treaty." "If we attack a week later we'll look bad!" "A week, maybe." "A month's more like it." "We are now entering the Throne Room, the splendid symbol of Arthurian power..." " Here we go!" " Ignore them." "The castle's built in Irish stone..." "That's Percival!" "What are you doing there?" "Visiting the castle." "You live here, you cretin!" "I'm seeing new bits!" "Your tomb must be quite something!" "We're entering the Thone Room, the symbol of Arthurian power..." "On his throne, the famous King Arthur, legendary British ruler." "We're now moving on to the vaults to visit the tomb of Queen Guinevere, treasured symbol of British womanhood." "May I remind you," "" Excalibur" swords are on sale at the exit." "You shouldn't be here." "You can bring problems here." "The people, not you!" "They can and I can't?" "Exactly." "Go away." "I'm not one to make a fuss, but unless we stop it, it'll soon be too late." "Arthur's listening." "We have to find a solution!" "That's our job." " What's the problem." " Cabbages." "What?" "The last Roman attack, where was the battle fought?" "Just by the south rampart." "In the cabbages!" "We hadn't enough left for soup!" "Same before with the Vikings." "Not one left." "We can't plan for that!" "We should plant them where it's safe." "Where's that?" "Inside the castle walls." "8 rows by the wall." "I can't do less." "And a row here and there by the buttresses." "Just a moment." "We agreed on a small patch." "You're talking rows!" "5000 plants in one patch?" "Don't make me laugh!" " 5000!" " We won't be able to move!" "I'll leave a path." "We're not animals!" "You can step over them." "Chieftains can't step over rows of cabbages!" "Aren't vegetables smart enough?" "Tulips are fine, cabbages are shameful!" "Tulips are more common in castle courtyards." "The next famine, you can live on tulips!" "We'll see." "Let's go!" "In that case," "I'll do 1/2 cabbages, 1/2 tulips." " The question's..." " Even better... 1/3 cabbages, 1/3 tulips, 1/3 chard." " For variety." " Chard?" "I don't even know what it is." " It's a bit stringy." " It needs cooking." "What if I say 1000 cabbages, 2000 chard and the rest tulips?" "This is crazy!" "I hate cabbage!" "OK, 1/2 cabbages, 1/2 celeriac." "Turnips!" "4 discreet rows by the pig trough?" " What pig trough?" " For the pigs!" "I've pigs to protect as well as cabbages!" "You won't be sorry." "Chickens eat everything." "Even snakes!" "When a chieftain comes, you'll bring all the sheep in?" "It'll take 5 minutes!" " And be discreet." " Even peasants can behave!" "It's different from home." "It's tidy, the ladies are well-dressed." " It's true!" " Listen!" "Don't speak to the ladies." "Why not?" "Do I smell of slurry?" "For one thing." " If I say, Hi?" " They won't answer." "You smell." "Become a knight if you want to get the girls." "I'll just put the rabbits away." "You did what you had to do." "You were attentive and open." "There was no alternative." "He's very direct." "He knows what he's talking about." "Peasants are a pain in the arse!" "Now we can relax!" "Another day done." "Why not try another table?" " Sire!" " Why are you here?" "And you, you idiots!" "You've been gone 4 days." "It was business." "Rather than trek home we settled here." " For the traveller?" " A goat's milk." "Don't you recognise him?" " No." " It's fine." "You've no idea who's sitting in your bar!" "I said leave it!" "You look familiar." "I've one of those faces." "Forget it." "You don't know me." " Goat's milk?" " One goat's milk." "He'd be pleased to know the King drank in his inn." "It's prestige, like us!" "You're prestigious?" "They like us being here." "They call this," ""the Knight's table"." "Or "the jerks' table" ." "But that's a mistake." "There's a round table at the castle for knights." "You rarely use it." "We're seeking the Grail!" " In an inn?" " It's our base." "We can't work all the time." "That would be vulgar!" "Any clues?" "We've a few openings here and there." "Encouraging stuff to go on, if you want." "I want to find you without trawling the inns dressed as a peddler." "Hey, traveller!" "Seeing you in profile, there's no denying it," "I'm sure I've seen you before." "Are you related to Guenole?" "Poxy leg, 2 daughters on the game?" "It's tempting, but no." "It'll come to me." "Another milk?" "Why not!" "Tell him you're the King!" "No, it's bad enough people think you drink!" " And with a peddler, too!" " We've our reputation!" "You're the luckiest guys in the world!" "This lot will spend their lives in the shit." "You've a destiny!" " Us?" " Who do you think?" "What destiny?" "The Grail!" "The Divine Light!" "The Sacred Mission!" "You're meant to save these people, not drink with them!" "Come back to the Round Table." "The real one." "I'm leaving." "Follow me out in 5 minutes." " Going?" " I hate travelling at night." "Do you have a sister who used to be a hooker?" "Possibly." "We're a career-minded family." "It's on me." "It'll come to me!" "That's where I've seen him!" "On the coins!" "It was King Arthur!" "Arthur?" "You'd believe anything!" "We know him well." "He wouldn't come here!" "We've a destiny!" "No time to hobnob with hicks!" "We can't behave like tramps!" "In that case, start by settling your debts!" "You like redheads." " Really?" " Yes." "The girl at dinner you kept looking at," "Calogrenant's daughter, me..." " Are you a redhead?" " A little bit." "It goes to show." "What?" "It's nothing to do with hair colour." ""Arthur climbed down the rope held by Percival" ." " All right so far?" " So far." " It's afterwards." " You didn't reach the bottom?" "Yes, very quickly." "He let go." "I panicked!" "Move on." "Just talking about it makes me mad." "Is there anything to finish?" "When you took slurry for Truth Potion." "No, one I wasn't in." "They're to be done and illuminated." "As you like." "So, the rope or the slurry?" ""Arthur held the shield before him." ""All bowed:" "Leodegan of Carmelide," ""Calogrenant, Percival," ""Guinevere-of-the-white-buttock, Angharad..."" " What?" " What?" " What did you say?" "" Percival"?" "After that." " "Angharad" ?" " No, before." "I don't know." " About my wife." " Guinevere?" "Yes!" "What did you say?" "I know what you mean." "We can take that bit out..." "I didn't hear it." "Read it out!" ""Guinevere-of-the-white-buttock" ." " What's up?" " Does that sound right?" "I thought as I wrote it there might be a problem..." "You were right!" "You shouldn't take it literally." "It doesn't have to mean your wife has white buttocks." "I took it literally." "It's poetic licence." "Meaning?" "It doesn't have to mean what it says." "That's why books baffle me." "They don't mean what they say." " It isn't the whiteness!" " What is it?" "You, thinking about my wife's bum!" "It's just a turn of..." "Change it, or I'll boot your backside!" " Then we'll talk colour!" " Let's get on!" " Are her buttocks white?" " What?" "It doesn't mean that!" "We should find out if it's true!" "Does the Queen have white buttocks?" " You don't know?" " Of course I do!" "I doesn't work like that." "It depends on..." "The way it's..." "You can't see at night." "Was that written at night?" "I don't write at night." "There, then." "You can't know." "What's going on?" "Nothing." "A bit more sun would do you good." "I said, you can talk to the King tomorrow." "I daren't!" "He won't eat you!" "He'll send me packing." "That's for sure." "He does that when I talk to him, too." "I forgot about this." "You're always moaning!" "I hate this obsession with eating in bed." "I'm not keen either." "It's a lot of extra work." "It's popular in Rome." "Their houses are flat." "It's not lugged up 6 flights of stairs." "You're both so grumpy this morning!" "The crumbs get in the bed." "You can go." "May I remind Madam what she promised yesterday?" "The girl wants to talk to you." " To me?" " You." "Be nice, listen and try to be understanding." "I'll take my bath." "I don't carry on with every man in the castle." "Meaning?" "Lots of girls supplement their income by working overtime, if you get my drift." "I think so." "You don't." "Certainly not!" "Very good." "What's that to do with me?" "Sir's well versed in love matters." "What do you mean?" "When a woman loves a man, really loves him, it's difficult to repress." "When these feelings are deep, one can declare one's love without embarrassment, can't one?" " No?" " Yes!" "I'm listening." "Only, the man I've set my heart on is someone important." "Important?" "Very important." "A leading figure, if you see what I mean." "Dare I tell Sir who it is?" "That depends..." "Sir Percival." "I was worried for a moment!" "Please would you tell Sir Percival of the love I bear for him?" " Why me?" " Because I can't." "You daren't?" "Yes..." "But he doesn't understand!" "If I'd known I'd have dressed." "Can I talk to you for a minute?" " Sure." "Come in." " I'll stay here." " Come in!" " No!" "You're not..." "And in there it..." "Do you know about love matters?" " Love matters?" " Yes." "That depends." "This is about Angharad." "Angharad?" "Angharad, love matters." "Understand?" "You and Angharad?" "No, you and Angharad." " No." " It's a fact not a question." "You and Angharad, love matters." "Really?" "Everything clear?" "I wouldn't say that..." "Sorry I woke you." "See you later." "Know anything about love matters?" "No, I'm a mug." "Me too." "Talking about it this morning," "I hadn't a clue." "You know... you've got it or you haven't." "I haven't." "What a face!" "So?" "You're glued to your parchment." "Hardly surprising, given the alternative!" "It's getting closer." " What is?" " The storm!" "So what?" "I'm afraid of storms." "Happy now?" "Afraid?" "Why?" "Don't be stupid!" "Because the Gods are angry!" "Rubbish!" "When it's hot then cold, a storm's normal." "Uncle Systennin was struck by lightning walking past a temple!" "The lightning hit the temple." "A stone got him!" " So?" " How's that the Gods' doing?" "The depraved life he led!" "He drank!" "The lightning was punishment!" "If every tippler gets struck down, the population will fall to nothing!" " I'm scared!" "Can I help it?" " Can I?" "I was raised to think thunder was divine wrath!" "So much for education." "It's coming closer." "It's for me!" "Why you?" "There's 70 of us here!" "It's a premonition." "I was bad and now this." "Burned alive by lightning!" "Uncle Systennin, all right." "But you don't drink!" " It's not just drink." " What else?" "I don't know." "Treachery!" " Who did you betray?" " No one." " It's all right, then." " Adultery!" " You've been unfaithful?" " Not me!" "What do you mean, " not me"?" "Aren't you seeing the Duke of Armorica's wife?" " No." " No?" "Whoever told you that was wrong." "I've got enough mistresses!" "She's being adulterous with someone." "So what?" "It's adultery." "That's all." "So you get fried because she's boffing half of Gaul?" "I'm scared!" "I'm not thinking!" "So I see." "It's the end!" "Won't she be quiet!" "I'm scared!" "Do something!" "Am I a Druid?" "What can I do?" "A storm's a storm!" "If you can't do anything, let me die in peace!" "Come here." " What?" " Come here." " Why?" " You'll see." "Come here!" " Better?" " Well..." " Yes." " Breathe..." "I hope we're not in for a lot of storms." "Is that a storm?" "No." " It is!" " No, listen..." "You see?" "It is!" "No, it's..." "Something else, but not a storm." "I see." "That's enough, now." "Eating's fine, but how about some girls?" "I'm too full to jiggle about." "But Lord Narses, aren't you..." "A eunuch?" "Yes." "Whatever it is, it doesn't sound much fun." "I thought you were Persian!" " I am." "So?" " Forget it." "I'm a Persian eunuch." " What's a eunuch?" " Nothing." " Meaning?" " You can't explain things to him." "You know capons?" " They're very tasty." " I'm the same." "You're tasty?" "No!" "I gave up trying years ago." "I'm castrated." "Like a capon." "I feel sick." " Are we getting some chicks in?" " Are they to do with the capon?" "We don't want to end the evening like faggots!" "You can't pluck chicks out of thin air!" "There are birds at the inn, but they're rough..." "That doesn't usually stop you." "I'm bored with them." "If I got some, what would you do?" "What do you think?" "That's what I'm asking." "I'm not going to spell it out!" "It would help." "I can't picture it." "I get you." "It's because I can't..." "Yes." "I can't get my head round it." "I usually watch the others." " Others?" " The others." "Tonight, it's you!" "Where's the inn with the girls?" "It won't be possible." "I need some fun before I fight the Visigoths!" "You should rest before the battle!" "A Dux Bellorum can't turn up looking wasted!" "You're famous for a castrated guy!" "A real capon!" "Champion!" "So the Byzantine Emperor says." "Justinian." "Since I can't have children, I'm more suited for war." "Because I don't mind dying." "You can't have children either?" "Go on." "As a gesture." "The answer's no." "Are you going to bed, then?" " That's right." " Even me?" "You especially." "Are you sleeping with the Queen tonight?" "No, someone else." "Why?" "Is there a keyhole?" "Go to the inn by yourself." "It'll relax you!" "It's pointless on my own." "That's sad but did I castrate you?" " Did he?" " No!" "If you're not there, can I see the Queen?" "Why?" "Why do you think?" "For a chat." "I'm not tired." " You're really a eunuch?" " As I'm a man!" "All right." "Great." "Weird, wasn't it?" "It could have been weirder!" "Boffing the tavern tarts while the General looked on?" "Blimey!" "I didn't understand!" "Keep not understanding and one day you'll be in for it!" "Let's try not to argue tonight." "I haven't said a word!" "Not yet." "That's a bit harsh!" "You see, you're grumbling!" "I'm not bloody grumbling!" " Why isn't the King here?" " I don't know." " Still asleep?" " I couldn't say." "What's on the agenda?" " I didn't look." " Really?" "Isn't it the Druid delegation?" "I haven't a clue." "Say if you don't want to talk!" "I just haven't looked!" "I was making conversation!" "Stuff the agenda!" "I just said I haven't seen the agenda!" " Stuff the agenda!" " You brought it up!" "Not to begin with." "I asked where the King was!" "I don't know." "I'm not his mother!" "How come we're alone tonight?" "I requested it." " Why?" " No reason." "You're parents are normally here." "Exactly." "We're never alone." "Because they're always here." "Now we're alone." "Does it bother you?" "I think it's..." "Yes, it bothers me." "Why?" "It makes me edgy." "You're going to ask me things." "I'm not." "I just wanted us to eat alone!" "Why?" "You're freaking me out!" "What's got into you?" "Why get worked up over nothing?" "You can criticise me in front of your parents." "I've no criticism, you banana!" "What is it, then?" "Are you just going to gawp at me?" "What have I done?" "You've done nothing!" "Nothing!" "I do as much as I can!" "If it's to do my head in about being inconsiderate..." "Be quiet!" "I wanted to be alone with you because I enjoy it." "It's not our anniversary, is it?" "Pass me the hazelnut sausage." "Which one's that?" "The one with the hazelnuts." "What does it look like?" "A sausage." "I just gave it to you." "It can't be far!" "I can't see it." "Is it the one I said was crunchy?" "That's it!" "I finished it." "I don't believe it!" "It was hardly started!" "We'll order another." "Of course, but that's not the point." "Why behave like a pig?" "I didn't think." "More hazelnut sausage!" "There's no more." "You ate the last one!" " Sorry." " Don't talk about it." "Your attitude leaves me speechless." "Are you all right?" "Yes." "You don't seem it." " I'm fine." " Really!" "I said, I'm fine!" "All right!" "No need to yell at me!" "Sire!" "Off hunting?" "No." "What are you doing?" "Truffle hunting!" "It's since you tore us off a strip." "We decided to go for it!" "Very good." "What exactly are you doing?" "Looking for the Grail!" "The Grail?" "Shouldn't we be?" "Of course, but..." "Have you got new information?" " About?" " The Grail!" "Information..." "To be honest, not a lot." "About this place?" "No, this is our own idea." "It's an initiative." "It's a simple question." "Why look in this particular spot?" "We have to start somewhere!" "We think the Grail must be buried." "What do you think?" "Nothing." "So, if it's buried, the best thing to do is..." " To dig!" " Then it's a question of depth." "Yes." "We went for 3.5 feet." "3.5 good feet." "We ricked our brains!" "Racked." "What?" "Nothing." "So you're going to dig up the whole of Britain until you find the Grail?" "I hope we'll find it before then!" "Excuse me!" "Yes, you!" "Drop your spades, go to Kaamelott, go to the kitchens, and say you're to have a hot meal." "Got that?" "Go on, do it!" "What's going on?" "Nothing." "But the Grail quest is only for knights." "But digging..." "Digging, too!" "You can't use..." "Yokels." "It's only knights." "In our capes?" "Yes." "Everything knightly." "Capes, all that." "We won't be comfy." "No discussion." "That's how it is." "Can we use spades?" "If you want to." "Yes." "How will this work?" "Say you get to the sea." "Do you head for Ireland or finish the South coast?" " We don't know." " I can't quite see..." "If you don't mind me saying, while it's fine," "I'd do all of the North..." "Stonehenge is lovely in spring." "Crack on to Scotland before it snows, then come back down and do the South next winter." "We'll decide as we go along." "Dig where you like, but if anyone asks what you're doing, don't mention me." " No?" " No." "The Western lords are mad at us." "They may object to you digging up their land." " Right." " Not a word!" "Let's go." "This cape stops me moving my arms." "Aim over your shoulder." "Look." "That's much better!" "It's a knack." "What's that?" "Let me see." "It looks like a turkey bone." "Angharad!" "What's that thing?" "The statue?" "Not the back wall." "What is it?" "It's a statue." "Don't take me for an idiot!" "You asked!" "Why's it in my bedroom?" "Don't yell at me!" "I'm not!" "Madam got it in Rome." "No one told me she was back." " It's a surprise." " It is." "She dragged this back to surprise me?" "Understand her." "Your marriage is shaky." "It's a gesture." "I think you're too hard on her." "Let her try to win you over, in her own way, without emotional dependence..." "Just a moment!" "Get your nose out and go away!" "I've been travelling 6 days." "I want to go to bed!" "I get up, all groggy, and see a guy with a dish!" " Imagine!" " A discus." "Same thing." "He's a discus thrower." "It's a change from our usual decor." "A naked guy throwing plates!" "A discus!" "What's the point?" "It interests me." " Discus throwing." " Exactly." " It's a Greek sport?" " Right." "Great!" "What happens?" "Do they count points?" "Can they throw whatever they like?" "I don't know the details." "I'm throwing it into the corridor!" "Of course!" "It's not an axe or a Viking's skull!" "I'll throw them out too!" "All I want to do is sleep!" "You always win!" "You're forgetting I'm a war lord!" "Dux Bellorum, as your Romans say." "So?" "A Dux Bellorum doesn't decorate his bedroom with butt-naked sportsmen!" "In Rome they do." "That's their choice!" "I bring this statue 5,000km, you don't like it, so out it goes." "Easy as winking!" "So easy, I'll continue." "It's not just the statue bugging me!" "I want you to try not to see it as a naked man." " Tricky." " See it as impetus." "Impotence?" "No, impetus!" "Impetus." "I see." "What counts is the movement." "The problem is, there isn't any." "The problem is virility, your responsibilities, what other people will say." "Maybe it was in the wrong place." "You were right to take it away." "Thank you!" "I just want to know one thing." "Between you and me, forgetting the subject matter, what do you think of it?" "Hideous." "I come out, there's a discus thrower!" "What's it of?" "It's Greek." "Why is he naked?" "No, you have to see it as impetus!" "Impotence?" " Heretic!" "Burn him!" " Calm down!" "Sorry, I dropped off." "Black magic!" " No chicken's feet!" "Heretic!" " Go away!" "Don't distract him." "Demon, leave this body or be damned!" "I have to stop the bleeding!" "If his fate is to die, then die he must." "Oh, no!" "Shut up!" " Let me do my work!" " Shut up!" "I keep telling you, magic's forbidden!" "Get it into your thick head!" "I don't bug you when you're burning witches!" "I'm afraid something will have to be done." "God," "Lord God, if you hear me, be my witness!" "I tried to avoid resorting to extremes!" "Lord God, if you are present," "Hear my prayer..." "Burn him at the stake!" "Please don't start yelling." "But this is urgent!" "Tell me quietly." "It's about him." " The big heretic." " Which one?" "There's only one." "Merlin!" "What's he done?" "He's practising magic!" "He's a magician." "I've said it time and time again!" "Magic's demonic." "He must be burned!" " To the stake!" " Not Merlin." " Why not?" " I need him." "So he can scribble on the walls, and moan about everything?" "He's a bit slow, but he can be handy in battle." "My job in this government is to burn heretics." "I want to burn this person." "If he acknowledges the existence of your one God..." "He's not my one God." "He's everyone's God." "Same thing." "If he acknowledges the one God..." "If he acknowledges the one God?" "I'll see what I can do." " Let's go!" " All right." "We're off!" "" I acknowledge..."" "That's a good start." ""The existence and omnipotence..."" ""Of St Dider, St Jules, St Fernand and Almighty God..."" ""As well as our Holy Father, Jesus Christ"" "He didn't say it!" "Heretic!" "To the stake!" "Shut up for a moment!" "Say the last bit!" ""And our Holy Father, Jesus Christ"" "There you are." "See what you can do!" "If I hear you're back to your old tricks you'll get the works." "Suffering, torture..." "Understand?" "We can go." "Heretic!" "To the stake!" "It's unfortunate." "" Unfortunate?"" "Merlin put a curse on me!" "Send him to the stake!" " Sure it's him?" " Of course!" "I need some proof." "Heretic!" "Have you got any scissors?" "We're in a bad way just now." "When did we last get a good word from King Arthur?" "It's time to buckle down!" "Go for it!" "We should go and get the diamonds." " The caves are empty?" " They're full of goblins!" "The goblins will have found them." "You can't go alone." "I need 2 volunteers." "Sir Percival and I volunteer for this risky mission." "Seriously..." "We want to get more involved." "We keep hearing about missions..." "We'll see." "It could be dangerous!" "Battles underground are tricky." "I won't turn down their only offer!" "Pack your kit and remember the torches!" "It's very dark." "Imagine if the torches went out!" "Will you shut your traps!" "Sorry, Sire." "It's not the jolliest spot." "I thought it would be more..." "Me too." "It's really dark." "Do you want us to be attacked?" "We've no room to draw our swords!" "That's underground battles for you." "No room." "You're used to this." "Would you go last?" "I'm worried someone might jump me from behind." "You'd rather lead?" " I'll go between you both." " No thanks." " Why not?" " I'd be last then." "You can go first or last." "I'm not going in front." "I'm fine here." "Take it in turns?" "I'll stay here." "Stop making suggestions." "What's that?" " Goblins." " Are they dangerous?" "Not on their own." "A dozen could be tricky." "Would they come one by one?" " Who has the crossbow?" " Me." "This is how to avoid the worst." "Caradoc, you cover the rear." "I unsheathe my sword and cover the front." "You protect the sides." "Be ready to fire." "That's great." "Aim high." "Don't shoot us in the arse!" "Let's go." " Ready?" " Ready." "Stay in formation and we'll be fine." "Ready..." "Let's go!" "He didn't say, " Run!"" "He said, "Let's go!" ." "It's a bit confusing." "We couldn't take on 10 goblins." "We did what we had to do." "Mission accomplished." "Are you all right?" "I'm fine." "There's something dreary about this meal." "It's called peace and quiet." "There are no men." "No one's shouting or breaking glass." "That's what it is." "You're right." "Mother-in-law, you never told me how Arthur's father won your hand." "He didn't." "Don't you know the story?" "At the time, I was married to the Duke of Gorlois." "All was well, except that Pendragon kept wooing me." "Pendragon was Gorlois's best friend, so you know what they were like back then." "I refused him, so he had Merlin turn him into Gorlois." "How did he do that?" "He drank a potion which made him look like Gorlois!" "He turned up when the Duke was at war." "He came to bed, I did as usual." "He looked like my husband." "And so Arthur was born." "I should have known when he asked to have a snack sent up." "My real husband never ate in bed." " What are you doing?" " Going to bed!" " How do I know it's you?" " What?" "How do I know you're King Arthur, my husband?" "Have you been drinking?" "Your mother told me about your father's subterfuge." "Merlin's potion, the metamorphosis..." "That old rubbish!" " Don't you believe it?" " I think it's a bit far-fetched." "Merlin can't make toast, let alone a polymorphia potion!" "Wait!" "Before you get into bed, I want to be sure it's you." "Of course it's me!" "Who else would it be?" "I don't know!" "One of your best friends using subterfuge to achieve his ends!" "Lancelot's my best friend." "He's no desire to share your bed!" "Really?" "Sir Lancelot and I get on very well." "Tonight it's me, not him." "Prove it." "How?" "This is getting ridiculous!" "I don't sleep with just anyone!" "Ask me something personal." "Then you'll know it's me." "How old am I?" "Try harder." "I'm tired." "I have to get up early!" "If you are you, you should be proud" "I'm trying to be faithful." "I'm very proud!" "I won't be sorry tomorrow." " Let's do a deal." " What deal?" "I get into bed but don't touch you." "What?" "I lie here but don't touch you." "It can be me, Lancelot or anyone, it doesn't matter!" "Do you give your word?" "On the life of whoever you want." "King Arthur's life!" "On King Arthur's life." "Good night." "Lancelot wouldn't dare swear on your life." "Now I know it's you." "You can touch me if you want." "I swore I wouldn't." " Oh, yes." " That's right." "What can I do for you, Sir Lancelot?" "How much is a polymorphia potion?" "A polymorphia potion?" "It's to win a lady." "What do you want to turn into?" "A well-known person." "I see." "I became Julius Cesar once." "What a night!" "Who?" "What is it?" "You were snoring." "It's because I was lying on my back." "According to my wife, it seems I snore." " Does it bother you?" "No, but apparently it's unbearable, she can't sleep a wink..." "Will it be separate bedrooms?" "No." "You'll do your job for once and use magic to stop it!" "" Magic!"" "I assumed you were a magician!" "If you're not, you can clear off back to your hut in the forest!" "We'll find something." "Sleep with hard-boiled eggs in your mouth." " What?" " Eggs." "One each side.Try it, you'll see." "What's wrong?" "Magic's amazing when you're new to it." "You were falling asleep." "If you've anything to say, say it now." "Why?" "What are those for?" "To put in my mouth." "So..." "What are you doing that?" "For my snoring." "I'm putting them in my mouth so if you've anything to say..." "Afterwards, I can't speak to you?" "I won't be able to answer." "I can say things that don't need replies?" "Dammit!" "Who told you to do this?" "Merlin." "Sure you understood him?" "I can't talk!" "I'm going to sleep." "What are you doing?" "It gets rid of bags." " Who told you that?" " Merlin." "One day I'll wring that bastard's neck." "It doesn't work the tiniest bit!" " Not a bit?" " I almost choked!" "It usually does." " It didn't." " Did you use shrimps or prawns?" "Prawns?" "You said eggs!" " For snoring?" " Yes!" "Prawns." "Eggs are for mouth ulcers." "Now you tell me!" "How are the ulcers?" "I didn't have any!" "Just the snoring?" "Did I say otherwise?" "A prawn in each nostril." "Remember?" "You remember, you idiot!" "I think I prefer snoring to prawns." "Prawns make no noise." "They're dead." "Shall I put out the light?" "Do as you like." "I think I'd rather." " Heard the latest from the Christians?" " Who?" " Christians." "To celebrate St John..." " Who?" "John." "An evangelist." "We're to light fires." " Fires?" " That's right." "Big ones for Midsummer Night." "The Saxons said they'd burn the castle down." "There'll be fires then!" "I'm on the list," "I've waited my turn." "Why can't I be seen?" "It's not the moment." "I'm working!" "Aren't you hearing grievances?" "From my people, not my mother." "This isn't for private matters." "Honestly, Mother, you don't have to wait in line to see me!" " You've no time to talk." " About what?" "Let us work!" "You can talk at lunch!" "Are you refusing to see me?" "I'm not refusing..." "It's not official enough." "I'm pleased to tell you that not only is my presence here official but I represent the people of Tintagel." "We can't refuse to hear the spokesperson of a minority." "We'll hear her." "I can't let the guards beat up my mother!" "You're not listening." "I am!" "I know you when you look like that." "No private matters!" "I know what you're going to say." "By what miracle, pray?" "Autumn's coming to an end." "No need to spell it out!" "What does that mean?" " It's the beginning of winter." " So?" "There's a Winter Festival in Tintagel." "She's been nagging me to go for years." "You came here for that?" "It's private business!" "That's not why I'm here." "I'm not stupid!" "You want to nag me into coming to your shitty festival!" " Absolutely not." " Why don't you go?" " It pisses me off." "He hates his aunt." "It's not that!" "It's miles away and although Tintagel is my "roots" I've only been there twice and freezing my balls off singing folk songs isn't my thing." "My aunt whom I can't stand is the finishing touch." "Sorry but it sounds like " No" ." "I didn't come to ask that." "I'd like my son to be at the Winter Festival, but too bad." "It's nothing to do with my grievance." "So what is your grievance?" "We're listening." "I'm here to give King Arthur an official invitation from the people of Tintagel to the Winter Festival which will take place 5 weeks from today." "I won't set foot in that place!" "Don't be stupid." " You're invited by a federated clan." " Stuff it!" "We are incensed by this refusal!" " Too bad!" " Calm down!" "We can't risk a clan war over your aunt!" "She's better since her husband died." "No, it's a useless festival." "The music's crap, it's all old people..." "Tintagel demands an immediate apology from the King." "They can jump in a lake!" "Stop it, you lunatic!" "Their land is attached to yours." "They can have it back!" "You'll come to the festival and kiss your aunty!" "No, I won't!" "It's getting private again!" "Be careful!" "The Russian Christians arrive next month." "Who?" "You can hand out sweets dressed as St Nicholas." "Who?" "The Russian's patron saint." "This is getting worse." "I clown around all day." "Now I have to dress up as a saint!" " Where's your wife?" " In Rome." "Don't you miss her?" "2 weeks, and you manage to screw up." "Your friend Caius invited me to the games in Rome." "I went." " Fine so far." " It was delightful." "Lions, killings..." "Then the gladiators came in." " And?" " It had to happen to me..." "One of them, an enormous man with a curved sword..." " A Thrace." " That's it." "He started screaming at me in Latin." "He was so aggressive I thought he was insulting me." "It was a tribute." "They respect federated kings' wives." "That's what they said later." "But I flew off the handle and told him my husband would come and teach him some manners!" "I'm sorry." "This fight's a good thing." "Only if I win." "A Thrace!" "They kill 15 men a month from the age of 10!" " They're no joke." " We'll manage." "We?" "I'm the one going out there!" " At least we get to see Rome!" " What?" "He's coming here." "It's agreed." " We're short on arenas." " Leave it to me." "We'll build an esplanade." "It won't be the Coliseum!" "Can't we just do it in a field?" "Use this to show your people you won't be pushed around." "They'll be so proud of you!" "Not if he's skewered like a guinea-fowl." "I agree." "I'll start off by the ticket booth, monitor sales, then I'll come backstage with a bottle of local cider to toast you and the Thrace and drop some hemlock in his cup." " We're not cheating!" " Sire!" "We can't lose you over this!" "We don't cheat." "My wife screwed up again." "We'll cope." "She should fight the guy!" "Not really!" " It was a short fight." " Yes." " The crowd was disappointed." " Too bad." "At least we have our own arena now." "I'd love to know what you said to the Crace." "Thrace." "To make him give up so quickly." "And I'm not the only one!" " I said you don't speak Latin." " Meaning?" "Your stupidity in Rome nearly led to a diplomatic incident." "I see." "It's all my fault." "In exchange for his magnanimity, you're to go and be his 7th wife." "What?" "How awful!" "You didn't agree?" " I had no choice." " My God!" "I'm kidding." "It cost me 130,000." "Next time someone speaks Latin, say "Thank you" and shut up." "Got it?" "Is your wife back?" " Where was she?" " Rome." "Pleased to see her back?" "She just made me fork out 130,000 gold pieces!" "It's hard, so early!" "I forgot to tell you..." "What?" "The day you're fatally wounded," "Morgan le Fay will take you to die in Avalon." "I'm going back to bed." "The king's been wounded!" "Stop yelling!" " It's the shock!" " He really got me!" "We'll avenge your death with the rage..." "Of a rabid dog?" "My death?" "Are you nuts?" " It looks bad." " Maybe, but I won't die here." " A severed artery!" " The hepatitus." " Carotid." " Oh, yes." "Take me to Merlin's tent before my blood runs out!" "Hurry, I can hear buzzing in my ears." "Could be flies." "We're infested." "Hurry up!" "This will put you right." "Tell me when..." "Who are you?" "Why are you here?" "Pretend you don't know." "It's Morgan Le Fay!" "Who do you think?" "Hurry up!" "What do you mean?" "I'm to take you to Avalon the day you die." "Follow me." " We'll talk later." " I'm not dying!" "It's sad, but that's life!" "I just hurt my neck!" "A severed artery." "I'm no mug!" "I'm being treated!" "By him?" "Don't make me laugh!" "The ointment's ready to put on." "It should be mashed cherries, not chestnuts!" "Wrong season." "I'm trying to make it work." "It won't." "Put it on first, then we'll see." "I'm not waiting around for that." "It's pointless!" "Avalon's miles away." "Let's go!" "There." "Happy?" "Can we go now?" "Sorry, but I feel better." "It's normal before you kick it." "You won't admit that my skilful use of seasonal fruit worked perfectly!" "It's nothing to do with fruit." "I'm feeling much better." "It's a matter of moments." "He's fresh as a daisy!" "Full of beans!" "Yours truly patched him up!" "Magical healing's about more than breaking eggs in a bowl!" "I'm going." "Going where?" "To fight!" "I'm not dying today, forget it." "The stuff on your neck will go septic." " You'll die!" " So, come back then!" "Don't worry." "He'll do himself in one day." "I'm not worried!" "I don't enjoy lugging stiffs to Avalon." "I'd like a hut in the forest." "I'd bake blueberry tarts." "You're eating the ointment?" "I could eat chestnuts till I popped!" "Want some?" "It's not as good as cherry." "All done!" "Wish us luck!" "Percival," "Bors, Lancelot and I are off to hunt the Tunnel Dragon." "Speaking of which..." "The Autumn Festival draws nigh and we've the cake stalls and the..." "True." "It'll just have to wait." "The Dragon?" "No, the cake stall." "Get to work!" "Is something wrong?" "Something's bugging me." "Me too." "I've never liked tunnels." "This isn't the place." "The entrance was where we thought." "That had to be it!" "A dragon couldn't fit in here!" "It's called the "Tunnel Dragon"." "It wiggles its way along." "Unless it's tiny." "Like a big harmless lizard?" "No point yomping any further." "There's no "Tunnel Dragon" here." " It's outside!" " Get out!" "Get out!" " See it?" " I can smell sulphur." "It's nearby." " It must be 300 rounds." " Pounds." "You're an expert now?" "It was something to say." "Where's Bors?" "I don't know." " He was behind me." " He can't have got lost!" " He's got the arrow oil." " What?" " No blazing arrows?" " Without them..." "Let's hope it's not too big." "There it is!" "Look at the size of it!" " He's more than 300lbs." " I wasn't far off." "More like 4000." "Plain arrows won't do it!" "Even with blazing ones, if it turns against us..." "Sire!" "We'll have to give up." "We came 30 miles for the Tunnel Dragon!" "It's gone nowhere near the tunnel." "Percival's right." "It's the wrong one." "Fine." "It's attacking!" "There you are!" "I lost sight of you." "Because you hid!" "And you had the arrow oil!" "You didn't see the Tunnel Dragon?" "No!" "It's outside." "That wasn't it." "How come?" " Too big." " 300 to 4000lbs." "I might have been alone in here with the real dragon?" "So, did you see it?" "What's wrong with him?" "The torch smoke goes to your head." "Bors!" "Feeling better?" "Yes, much better." "Isn't adventure great?" "Risk!" "Even better, for the Autumn Festival" "I found some fabulous local produce!" "Look at these sachets!" "For your wardrobe..." "Sir Leodegan?" "Hope to see you at the festival!" " Is my attar of roses bothering you?" " That's it!" "Did the campaign go well?" " "Go well"?" " Not too hard?" "It was a campaign." "You don't go on them for..." " You must have been awfully cold." " Yeah." "No." "We weren't cold because it was..." " The summer." " That's right." " And the food..." " Quite simply," "I was thinking, we don't absolutely have to talk." "If it's really important, fine, but I've got this to finish." "You don't want to talk." "It's not that..." " We don't have to talk." " That's great." "I mean, we can do things without talking if you want." "I see!" "I hadn't..." "To be honest, I'd rather not." "Is your wound still hurting you?" "There's that!" "It's almost healed, it would be a shame to..." "I thought I was doing right." "No, it's very kind!" "In theory, I'd say "Why not?"" "The Ladies keep talking about how their knights return from campaigns exhausted and sleep for 3 days." "Campaigns are pretty tiring." "It's more to do with the pillaging and looting." "It seems some local girls like invaders, so things obviously go on." "A lot of that's just talk..." "But they tell me you don't do that." "You refuse to touch the defeated army's women, and it's romantic because you're faithful to me." "You could see it like that." "Although, they know you have mistresses, so how can you be faithful?" "I'm not exactly swimming in them!" "I thought, since they're not here..." "Anna, Demetra and the fisherman's twins..." "Yes?" "If you did nothing on campaign or upon your return..." "It's been quite a while!" "It's strange you don't fancy it." "It doesn't work like that." "I might fancy it." "It's the context." "It's because it's me." " What are you on about?" " I'm not as chic as Anna..." "You're fine!" " So if in theory you fancy it..." " Yes?" " And you think I'm fine?" " Well..." "At a pinch, we might almost envisage..." " At a pinch." " It would be wonderful." "After weeks of chastity, cold and hunger..." "You come galloping back to your wife..." "My horse was killed." "I came home on foot." "But I see what you mean, it's the..." "So, you stay where you are." "It's better for your wound." "If you like." "Shall I move closer to you?" "If neither of us moves..." "I'll move closer." "Is something wrong?" "The attar of roses is stinging my eyes." "An escort?" "Whatever next?" "Arthur's summoned me to hear a new battle plan." "Go!" "What's stopping you?" "What was that?" "An elf." "A unicorn." "The forest's a farmyard at night." "You're not scared?" "Not with you." "What would you do in my place?" "Stand further away from me." "Where the hell's Bors?" "No news." "We should start." "I won't repeat it." "It's secret." "He reached Leodegan's camp this afternoon." "Leodegan must be thrilled." "He doesn't like him." " Not much." " Let's begin." " He won't come." " Why not?" "Think he'll cross the forest alone at night?" "He's a knight." "Not the bravest, but he's no kid." "That's debatable." "He won't get an escort, so..." "He won't come." "Let's begin." "Pin back your bartizans." "I won't say this twice." "I don't know how you do it." "You fear nothing:" "dragons, monsters..." "Monsters come in many forms." "Take my wife!" "You have the bravery and courage I lack so much." "Courage!" "Most people think I'm a brute." "You don't have that problem." "That's very true." "You're all finesse." "That can be useful, sometimes." "My unfitness for violence is slated." "" Unfitness!" You sound like a book!" "I can't stand books." "But it's a style." "While the others attacked the Hydra, I panicked and felt dizzy!" "Some do, some think." "You think." "It's a quality." "If good King Arthur had your confidence, your strong character..." "What with the King's glowing sword," "Merlin's magic frogs and the Lady of the Lake, all we need is a trapeze act!" " You're right." " Don't change a thing, old chap!" "You give this sideshow class." "You're like me." "Like you?" "Apart from the odd detail." "We're the same." "As near as dammit!" "What are you doing here?" "I brought the lad back." "The forest scares him!" "We're done!" "We're not starting again!" "It's his fault he needs an escort!" "I was just seeing him out of the camp, but we got chatting and suddenly, here we were!" "Who's in charge at your camp?" "I'm going back!" " Alone?" "In the dark?" " So?" "As the meeting's over, I could escort him." "Leodegan?" "It's fine by me." "When will you get your instructions, Bors?" " I'll come back tomorrow." " I'll escort him." "You know my coastal watchtowers?" "I'm wondering if stone's right." "Stone's always stone." "It's smart, but goes black." "I know." "You could always use driftwood." "You can paint that." "What colour do you think?" "Try some test patches in the light." "Or maybe a simple tint?" "Yes." "You see," "I'd never have thought of that." "What can I get you gentlemen?" " I've just eaten." " And you?" "I couldn't eat a thing today." "The boss will bawl me out if you don't eat." "All right, 3 chickens." "Same for me." "6 fine chickens, Mother!" "Is something wrong?" "It's something Leodegan said." "It's been winding me up." " What was it?" " When the King said I'd be in charge of the border posts." " So?" " Leodegan thumped the table and said, he'd rather a scabrous paralytic did it!" "You took offence." "He didn't mean it, but I have my pride." "I think you're too often the victim of calumnies." " Of?" " Calumnies." "Too many people forget you're a real knight." "That's for sure." "You should go and see the King and demand that people regard you as such." "Really?" "I want people to regard me as such." " What?" " What do you mean?" " " Regard you as such"?" " As such." " As such what?" " I'm the victim of colonies." "You've lost me." "Start again from the beginning." "I'm the victim of colonies." "People should regard me as such." "Isn't it clear?" "You've something to say." "Are these your own words?" "What do you think a colony is?" "Describe it to me." "A colony's someone who..." "That's not it at all." "Badmouths others..." " It's not that." " What is it?" "What?" "No, I've had enough." "Badmouthing." "Col..." "Stop trying to say things." "It's tiring for you and torture for others." "It stresses me out." "I could kill you, out of pity." "It's not good." "Don't talk to people any more." "Maybe it was canary." "What was?" "Badmouthing others." "A canary's a bird." "Maybe it's a bird term." "Like " lark" for a girl who can't save money." "No one says that." "Never heard, "She's a real lark"?" "Not once." "Or " pinhead" for a scatterbrain?" " But it's not a bird." " Bird brain." "What's that?" " A scatterbrain." " What did I say?" "So, I'm often the victim of canaries." "Meaning, scatterbrains." "Anyway, I'd like people to start regarding me as such." "I'll see what I can do." " Are you all right?" " Yes!" "I'm fine!" "Happy?" "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap." "I'm just wondering what I did." "You didn't do anything." "Was it when I said you looked like my aunt?" "Apart from that, nothing." " So, what?" " It's me." "I'm on edge today." " You'll be better tomorrow." " No I won't." "You won't?" "Remember the delicious thing I brought back from Rome called " marzipan"?" " Marzipan?" "It's good!" " Excellent." "So why the bad mood?" "There's no marzipan left!" "I didn't even know we had any." " How much did you bring back?" " Not a lot." "What kind of not a lot?" "4 or 5 pounds." "4 or 5 pounds?" "Not just for me." "I gave some away." " To whom did you give it?" " You!" " You didn't give me any." " What does it matter?" "You scoffed 5lbs of marzipan in 6 weeks." "If it hadn't run out, you'd be as big as the bed!" "I kept saying, "Today, I won't have any..."" "I just couldn't control myself!" "You'll have to now." "How?" "My body's used to having it!" "How did you manage before?" "My life was crap before!" "Do you hear?" "Receive this chief, that king, always polite, always smart, the symbol of the British nation!" "You need some reward for putting up with all that!" "Always looking after you because you have " responsibilities" ." "Who looks after me?" "And now there's no marzipan" "I'm going round in circles!" "I've no friends, no hobbies." "Since you won't touch me, I spit on love, figuratively speaking, and I turned to marzipan!" "When I look at you and think how you treat me," "I feel like walking to Rome to get more because it's the best thing that's happened to me!" "You're not the symbol of the British nation." " Bors!" " Sire?" "You went on the last trip to Rome?" "It was a fabulous excursion!" "Did you taste the local specialities?" " The pastries..." " Yes." "Very good things!" "Rome's dangerous if you've a sweet tooth!" "And having a sweet tooth, you tried some marzipan?" "I might have..." "Bring any back?" "Did you?" " I've hardly any left!" " Give it to me!" "For pity's sake, Sire!" " Anything but that!" " I'll smack you one!" "Sorry about yesterday." "I was edgy." "I didn't mean what I said." "You know I'm very happy here." "But..." "What's that?" "I managed to find you... a little pig!" " It's marzipan?" " Yes." "You're crazy!" "I'm pouring blood!" " You saw it?" " Was it a big dragon?" " We didn't see it, Uncle." " It's not there." "And that's a warthog?" "It's coming closer." " Or going away." " Glad you're here." "You hear but never see them." " It's an ill wind..." " A blind threat threatens us." "We're blind and threatened." "Yes!" "No." " Go back." " Us again?" "Are you tired?" "We'll prove worthy of this Quest!" " You don't want to go, do you?" " What?" " You're not keen to go?" " It's not that..." " Do you want to?" " No." "Off you go then." "Can you see it?" " No, Uncle!" " Nothing at all?" "Can you hear it?" "Of course they can." "Like us!" " The same as you!" " See?" " Just as loudly." " That's interesting!" "What?" "If we both hear it as loudly, we're equidistant." " Equidistant?" " Isn't that the word?" "I'm just surprised to hear you use it." "We're equidistant." "From what?" " Them!" " Them and the dragon?" "I don't know." "If we're both equidistant, we can find the dragon's distance." "If it moves away, our equidistance will be unreciprocal." "You've no idea what it means." "Do you hear it as loudly as us." "What does that mean?" "Just as loudly?" "Don't worry about it, keep looking!" "Describe the terrain!" "We don't care about that!" "What do I say?" "Stop asking stupid questions." "The ground's clayey and damp." "Dense vegetation, a lot of conifers..." "The dragon thinks we've gone, and says, "I can come back!"" "We hide in a trench..." " Uncle!" "The dragon!" " He's right above us!" "Hurry!" " What?" " What do we do?" "Fire at it!" "I fear we forgot to bring our crossbows!" " What?" " Wait till it lands." "Use swords!" "Don't you have lances?" "Slingshots?" "We could throw a big stone at it!" "Help!" " Come back!" " What's happening?" "Come back!" "Hurry!" "It crapped on us!" "It could happen to anyone." "I've disappointed Uncle." "Our first mission..." "It's better from a dragon than a guy who's unaware you're fishing under the bridge." "What?" "I know what I mean." " Anyone you know?" " I don't know him." "The other 2 are regulars." "Try not to be seen." "How do you tell them apart?" "They all look like drunks." "I'll never forget him." "He vomited on me once." "I'm fit to drop!" "We mustn't be noticed!" "Just relax!" "It's not that bad!" "It's dishonourable for knights to go to bars!" " We've been walking since dawn." " I know..." ""We're tired!" I've heard it since noon!" "Calm down." "You'll get us noticed!" "So what if people recognise us?" " They like us mingling." " It shows we're not snobs." "They'll think they're ruled by winos!" "No!" "If we were rolling drunk, maybe..." "Landlord, 3 bottles of plonk!" "We look stupid in our hoods." "I'm boiling too!" "We'll be gone in 10 minutes." "While incognito, see what folk think of you." " Who?" " The rabble." "The people." "Landlord!" " What?" " Leave it to me!" "The hoodies were thirsty!" "More wine?" "No, we're fine." " For the cheese!" " Hey, pal," "How do you rate King Arthur?" "King Arthur?" "The Knights, the Grail, that junk..." "Don't influence him!" "I don't know what to say." "Aren't they all layabouts, our leaders?" "Let him speak!" "I wouldn't say that." "It would be good if we saw some action on the Grail." "This bread's hard." "Is it old?" "It's fine." "People are supportive to begin with, but time goes by..." "No Grail, they run out of steam." " I can understand." " Leave it." "The worst thing for patriots like me, if they can't lay their hands on a Grail, all right!" "But in Ireland they've got 2 or 3!" "If King Arthur was here now, what would you say to him?" "My publican friends and I would discuss the tax on alcohol, with a club of the kneecaps!" "Yes, we brought that in." "I mean the government oafs!" "6 bronze pieces on each barrel of plonk!" "It's disgusting." "Want a taste of this?" "Luckily, we're secretly making our own, otherwise we'd go under!" "Not afraid of raids?" "Not really." "I would be if I were you." "For a few days." "When I think of the work I do, 3 hours sleep a night, the pittance I manage to save, if King Arthur was here, I'd set the dogs on him." "Sire, can you pay for me?" ""Sire?"" "I'd tell Arthur what I think about him kowtowing to the Romans" " Who's kowtowing?" " If he was here." "I'd say, stop bossing us about." ""Caradoc do this, Caradoc do that!"" "He tends to take us all for idiots." "It usually goes faster." "I dodge to the side!" "I'm carried by my own strength and take a nose-dive." "I have time to turn for the next attack." "But I grab some sand and throw it in your eyes." "But I turn like this..." "That works!" "All right?" "Don't you get headaches, doing nothing?" "We're taking a break!" "Between what and what, pray?" "We're training!" "Really." "We've invented a new technique." "Really!" "Completely new." "Ambitious, isn't it?" "You don't even know the old ones." " We've the basics." " We can use a sword." "You train with sausages?" "It's our break." "You train without swords?" "We don't use them." "It's the new technique:" "bare-handed!" "Weapons are rubbish!" "They're for show-offs." "We don't mean you, Sire." " The first thing is the dodge." " It's crucial!" "The enemy misses you once, misses you twice, misses you 3 times... 3 times, at a pinch..." "He misses you 4 times..." "He gets fed up." "So?" "It depends how patient he is." "What if he gets bored quickly, like me?" " He loses heart and gives up." " Pure logic." "No fighting, no wounds." "It's all..." "It's a battle, but it's..." "Psychological?" " No, it's in your head." " I see what he means." "Psychological." "Isn't that country stuff?" "Country stuff?" "Cereals and things." "Agriculture?" " Yes." " No, it's not that!" "It's a battle that goes on in your head." "Psychological!" "That's it!" "You've been at it all day?" "Exactly." "In combat, you have to know your strong and weak points." "We're not the best swordsmen, but it's all going on in here!" "An attack to the side, I duck." "I stand up, watching for sneaky moves." "If the other guy strikes instantly I prepare to duck again!" "Got it, Sire?" "I'm trying to keep up." " Trickier." " A horizontal attack." " From above." " Vertical." "We just did vertical." " Shall we go back?" " Go on." "He attacks." "I can go left or right." "No dawdling, I have to decide." " Left!" " Right." "We'll do right later." "We'll show you everything!" "Go on!" "I'm scared!" "Go on!" "I'll dodge!" "Ready?" "Ready!" "I was too speedy." "All right?" "Are all our scouts dead?" "Unless they're socialising with the enemy." "What do we do?" "Send Sir Percival?" "You've no one stealthier?" "For discretion..." "He'll be spotted." "An orchestra would fare better." "Why ask me?" "There's no one else." "What does a scout do?" "He's the mug who goes ahead to make sure the way's clear and locate the enemy." " I'd do that?" " Yes." "We're not expecting anything." "You'll probably get lost." "I can't find my way!" "We know." "What do I say if I find the enemy?" "The idea is not to find them." "Find them, but without them knowing." "If you're caught, watch out!" "Vandals aren't cuddly." "Who are the Vandals?" "Invaders!" "We've been at war with them for 6 weeks." "You've seen them?" "You'd recognise them?" "Since I'm more to do with securing the rear," "I never see anything." "Thanks for coming." "I can't teach you tracking with all the work I have!" "Set me off, I'll be fine." "When I ask if I can go, you say" " Not yet!" " It's to be sure!" "I'm in full armour!" "It's useless for walking miles in!" "I'm still in mine." "You're dumb!" "We said, leave your armour, the noise it makes will give you away!" "I'll be spotted anyway." "It's very likely." "I'd rather be in armour." "That makes sense." "What do we do now?" "I'm going back." "I've had enough." "What do I do?" "Find the enemy camp and come back!" "But where?" "That way?" "That's our camp!" "They're not there!" "I've no sense of direction." "Scouts try to sniff out a wood fire." "It's a clue." " No sense of smell." " Or listen for horses." "My hearing's dodgy." "If you can't do anything, find yourself a rocking chair!" "I'm going." "I'm fed up!" "I did it all by wood smoke!" " Wood smoke?" " It's complicated." "I smell wood smoke, I walk and Bam!" "Bam, what?" " I find our camp!" " Ours?" "The smoke was ours!" "Strange, since I banned all fires so we wouldn't get spotted!" "I was cooking something..." "I'd have put it out." "I smell smoke..." " And Bam!" " Bam, what?" "Caradoc's grilling meat!" "Did you find the Vandals?" "I found us." "I can pee now without getting lost." "Hey, guys!" "Where are you?" "Don't mess about!" "Why does he do it with you, not me?" "I'm his wife!" "After being with you, not being nasty, he's angry and sad." "I comfort him." "He just needs a cuddle." "After being with you he's fine." "He just needs me to leave him alone!" "Are you sure it's safe?" "Safe?" "It's a Sorrow potion!" "Magic stuff..." "Merlin makes 15 gallons a week, it's fine." "Still..." "Hurry, Arthur will be here soon." "There." "Now he'll be sad." "You just console him!" "Will he want to do "things" with me if he's sad?" "I know him." "Trust me." "What do I do when he's drunk it?" "The potion doesn't do it all." "Use your natural charm, your animal instincts." "The potion's a boost." "You're crazy!" " Life stinks!" " Don't say that!" "What else can you say?" "Some days, I want to chuck it all in." "Don't say that!" "Then I say, "Give it a try." "" It may be worth it!"" "So, I get back on my feet..." " Try to keep afloat." " Don't say that." "But nothing works!" "It's not worth it." "What have I got to live for?" "What?" "You've got me?" "Nothing." "Nothing at all!" "What the hell are you doing?" "Let yourself go for a moment." "Can't you see I'm upset?" "What harm can it do to try?" "Close your eyes." "Try and calm down." "There." "You're all wound up." "It'll pass." "Know what we should do to relax you completely?" "I don't know what happened." "It's not like me." "It's stress." "Life's mad, something has to give." " That's what I'm here for." " All the same." "You take so much..." "And you can still be affectionate." "It's really kind." "I'm lucky to have you!" "I'll put out the light." "I was finishing my tea!" "I don't believe it!" "What have I done now?" "I was this close!" "It's simple." "He associates you with comfort." "When he's sad, he'll turn to you." "You know where you can stick your potion?" "Sire!" "Percival and Caradoc are here." " About time!" " Have they a chest?" "Treasure?" "A prisoner?" "None of those." "Didn't you notice anything?" "They've lost their horses." " We've lots to tell you!" " Adventures by the dozen!" "Where are your horses?" " They ran off." " They got free." "We've tons of things to tell you!" " You've been gone long enough!" " 3 weeks!" "Where do I start?" "Give me a title for the heading." "What title?" "Of the quest!" "Something classy to do with what you did." "The name of your adversary?" " We didn't have one." " Not really." "Your treasure..." "It has to be, "The Quest for the Blah"" "I have to have something." "" Percival  Caradoc's Quest for the Blah"?" "So, you didn't bring anything back and you didn't fight anyone?" "Not really." "It was really grey the day we left." "We almost waited a day to avoid getting drenched." " But we said, "Come on!"" " Go for it!" "It looked bad but it didn't rain." "We stopped at the Two Foxes." "Isn't that just after the forest?" "You go 2 leagues and stop for the night?" "Another epic adventure!" "It wasn't to sleep as much as to eat..." "The fresh air whetted our appetites!" "No point wasting our provisions." "Sire, maybe we could move on to the "action" section?" "I can do a nice intro." " It's coming!" " You'll get action!" " At the Two Foxes?" " Maybe." "Let's wait and see." "They'd killed a lamb." "The roast meat smelled great." "We sat down and ordered 2 platefuls." "We started eating - it was good!" "Great!" "I fell for it!" " It smelled fine." " But..." "You fell for what?" "Now it gets interesting." "I hope so, after all this suspense." " 30 minutes later?" " Less." "All right, 20." " Everyone was throwing up!" " The lamb was rotten!" "Sick as dogs!" "Next day we were wasted!" "And then?" "We stayed at the inn 3 weeks..." "We got cheap rooms as compensation." "We couldn't keep anything down for a week!" "And then only leek broth." "What do you say to that?" "I'm still working on the title." "What can I make out of that?" "It's pretty unusual." "You didn't draw your swords once?" " The swords!" " What?" "We left them at the inn!" "What do we do?" "We'll go back!" "We can't, we've no horses." "Almighty God, please give me the strength and perseverance to support my husband in the hard quest you've bestowed upon him." "He's a brave, honest and generous man, who deserves..." "It stinks in here!" "Did a cat die or something?" "What are you doing?" "You've gone completely nuts." "Anyone in?" "Answer!" "Or shall I have you put away?" "You interrupted me right in the middle!" " Of what?" " My prayer!" "What are you on about now?" "Haven't you heard of Christian prayers?" "I don't know." "Why?" "You should get up to date, old man!" "Christians have to pray to the one God every night before bed." ""Old man"?" "I knew it was a bit excessive as I said it." " What can you ask for?" " Whatever you want." "For example?" "I don't know." "Whatever you want." " What did you ask for?" " None of your business." "You can tell me." " Absolutely not." " That's nice." "It's private." "And it's about you." "What have I done now?" " Nothing!" " You're complaining to Him now?" "I'm not complaining." "It may surprise you, but I tell Him I'm happy with you." " What's it to Him?" " He listens." "I'm passionate, I clasp my hands, I concentrate on my faith!" "Faith!" "You didn't know the one God existed 6 months ago!" "I like it." "I'd even say it suits me." "So, I pray and I know He listens." "He'll make my happiness last." " You mock me!" " Listen, Whatsyourname," "He can't hear every mug who joins hands and talks to himself." ""Whatsyourname"?" "I knew it was a bit excessive as I said it." "God, since you arrived 2 or 3 years ago..." "Since it really took off and got well known," "I've tried to get the guys in step." "The Grail Quest, the symbolic side, the light, salvation, I think they get it." "It was tough!" "You know my guys are a bit dim." "I say Grail, they look for a vase and that's that." "If I say it's not the object that's important but the symbol, your son's blood, eternal life, they go wide-eyed and switch off." "The end." "If we want to get anywhere with this, you'll have to give a sign." "Something big." "The Lady of the Lake's fine, but the guys can't see her." "It's not encouraging." "They see me talking to myself and think I've flipped!" "Do what you can." "I'm counting on you." "Amen, Deo Gracias..." "I didn't have time to learn the phrases." "Talking to yourself?" "To whom, then?" "To you!" "I wasn't there." "I hadn't noticed." "Charming." "Is something wrong?" "Maybe it's the full moon, but I'm worried." "About what?" "Tonight, I don't feel you love me." "Other nights you do?" "Not really." "So you've no need to worry." " Who is it?" " Sir Caradoc." "May I come in?" " Absolutely not!" " Just for 2 minutes!" "You've got a nerve!" "I knocked!" "Get out of here, you idiot!" "I met a wonderful girl." "If I play it right, this could be it!" "What's it to me?" "I can't stink on our first date." "Since you've the only bath, give me 2 minutes to scrub my toes, then I'll go away." "Are we under attack?" "I wanted a word." "Now?" "Want a kick in the pants?" " It's Angharad." " What?" "You know her?" "You woke me to talk about my wife's maid?" "Have you any advice?" "Yes." "Go to bed before I thump you." "What should I do?" "Stop bugging me?" "Should I ask her to marry me?" "What the hell do I care?" "Knights should marry within their rank." "Who would that be?" "Don't know, don't care." "I can't marry another knight!" "Marry who you like and drop dead!" "Am I allowed to marry the maid?" "Angharad?" "You can marry a goat if you want." "Thank you, Sire." "If someone really wants to marry you, go for it before she changes her mind." "No chance." "She's hung on for 8 years." "She's not very bright." "Sir Lancelot?" " A surprise attack?" " Don't worry." "I need to converse with you." "What's up with everyone?" "Fancy a dip in the moat?" "I need advice." "May I ask a question?" "Go ahead." "Pretend I'm awake!" "You know the pure heart thing?" "What pure heart?" " Mine." " Yes?" "What does the court think of it?" "No one gives a toss." "Precisely." "And now my question:" "Do you think I should see girls?" "I don't give a damn." "I'd let people down, wouldn't I?" "Haven't a clue." "You're right." "They expect me to be of noble heart." "Otherwise..." "You're right." "What's wrong?" "Sorry, maybe it's the full moon but I can't sleep." "What is it?" "I have to ask you something:" "Do you really love me?" "How often is it full moon?" "When I retire, you'll get all my horses." "That's very kind." "I've 2." "They're yours." " You've 3!" " I killed one by mistake." "I'll hang on to mine, that leaves you 1 ." "Careful, he's 25." "He might peg out any day." "At what age does the Grail stop?" "What?" "What age does it stop?" "What are you on about?" "I have to organise things." "Organise the mess up here first!" "What do you want to know?" "Quickly!" "Say it so that I can understand the sentence!" "I'm sick of getting headaches from never knowing what you mean!" "Say it simply and clearly or you'll get a slap." "OK?" "When can we stop the Grail?" "I want to retire." "Do I get a slap?" "What do you mean by " retire"?" "The day I go home." "You'd go just like that?" "No!" "We'd have a drink!" "We're not animals." " You're a Round Table Knight." " So?" "The code says we should die fighting for our Lord." "After 10 years doing up my shack, I want to enjoy it." "I won't force you to stay." "Go if you want to." "At what age?" "It's not about age!" "Go if you want." "What can I say?" "Right now?" "The Round Table's not obligatory." "It's a choice." "It sounded obligatory, with the Lady of the Lake..." "It was recommended." "I'd have been upset by a refusal, but in theory, it's not obligatory." "I can go when I want?" "In theory." "In theory?" "You can go." "But in reality?" "I'll smash your face in." "It's intolerable to blow this chance for a vegetable patch in Wales." "People will think you're a jerk!" "They think that already." "You're not wrong." "It was a real blow for him." "Imagine how he feels." "A knight leaving..." "He loses prestige." "What will you do?" "Stay a few more years..." "Work half days." "Free up some time!" "It's no good." "I have to go home." "Negotiate days off." "3 days Grail, 3 days home..." "There's travelling." "It's 3 days to Wales." "So, 3 days Grail, 3 days travel, 3 days at home... 3 days travel, 3 days Grail, 3 days travel, 3 days at home..." "So I negotiate working 3 days every 28?" "It's right!" "No need to count!" "You could take work home with you." "I'd rather slog away here and get a real rest." "Otherwise your body says " No"." "Negotiate leaving meetings early." "You think I could?" "Or else half day here, travel, 3 days home, half day home, travel, 3 days here..." "Weren't you due yesterday?" "My horse twisted a leg on your paved roads!" "They're hard going." "The only safe place is beside them!" "I won't have paved roads in Carmelide!" "I know what I want!" "The road stops at Carmelide." "We wade in mud!" "Stay at home!" "I didn't ask you to come!" "Sir Leodegan hasn't accepted that his people are federated and that Carmelide isn't a case apart." "You tend to do as you please." "I paved the Welsh roads as told." "You'd crap in a bowl if told!" "The question is:" "do you accept you're federated?" "Federation's fine!" "I won't pave the roads!" "This attitude is intolerable!" " This must be settled!" " There's nothing to settle!" "Sire?" " Is everything all right?" " Fine..." "We got a bit overheated." "There's no hurry." "How about the agenda?" "Let's move on." " We'll settle it later." " Good." "The next subject was..." "paved roads in Carmelide." "Have you nothing else?" "Oddly enough, that's all." "And the Grail?" "The Grail..." "That's always more or less on the agenda." "What is the Grail?" "You don't really know." "Nor do I and I don't care." "Look at us." "All different ages, from different places." "Lords, knights errant, rich, poor..." "But, at the Round Table, for the first time in British history, we want the same thing." "The Grail." "The Grail makes us Knights." "Civilised men." "It sets us aside from the barbarians." "The Grail unites us." "The Grail makes us great." "We stood up to the Romans - we can find a vase!" "It's down to organisation." "We'll divide up the sector." "We'll send a team to Gaul, in case." " I'll go to Judea!" " God help you!" "Anything new on Joseph of Arimithea?" "The key's Avallon." "find it, we're made." "I'll see to Caledonia." " Except..." " Yes." "We have to go through Carmelide." "Where the roads are unpaved." "Don't start that again!" "It'll slow us down." "Search elsewhere!" "How long will you hold out?" "As long as I feel like it." "I won't be lectured by an oaf like you." "You're bound by the same rules as us." "We're sunk unless you make an effort." "Try getting off my back!" "If a Roman lays a stone in Carmelide I'll make him eat it!" "If you want to fight about it, it can be arranged!"