"You wanted to see me, doctor?" "Have you seen Mrs. Vogler, sister?" "No, not yet." "Then I will let you know about the situation and will explain to you why you must take care of her." "As you may know, Mrs. Vogler is an actress, and was cast as Electra." "In the middle of the play she went silent and looked around as if surprised." "She stayed silent for a minute." "Later she excused herself saying that she could not contain her laughter." "The next day the theater called to ask if she had forgotten the rehearsal." "When the housekeeper went to see her, she was still in bed." "She was awake, but did not respond to her questions and did not move." "She's been like that for three months and they have done all tests imaginable." "The result is clear:" "she is totally sane, physically as well as mentally." "This is not even about a hysterical reaction." "Any questions, Sister Alma?" "No?" "Well then, go with Mrs. Vogler." "Good day, Mrs. Vogler." "I am Sister Alma." "They have put me in charge of taking care of you for some time." "Maybe I should tell you about myself." "I am 25 years old and engaged." "I have been a nurse for two years now." "My parents have a farm." "My mother was a nurse before marrying." "I will go for the dinner plate." "Fried liver and a fruit salad." "This looks very good." "Would you like to raise your head?" "Are you fine like this?" "Sister Alma." "What is your first impression?" "I don't know what to say, doctor." "At first her face seemed sweet, almost infantile." "Then her eyes..." "She has such a severe stare..." "I don't know, maybe I should..." "What are you thinking Sister Alma?" "Maybe I should turn down this job." "Has something scared you?" "No, but... she should have an older and more experienced nurse." "Experienced in life." "It could be that I may not be able." "To handle it." "To resist?" "Mentally." "Mentally?" "If the state of Mrs. Vogler is the result of a decision, it should be strong like when she was well." "And?" "It is a decision that shows great mental strength." "Maybe I am not up to it." "Maybe you would like to see the dusk, Mrs. Vogler." "I will close it later." "Would you like me to turn on the radio?" "There is a radio soap, I think." "Excuse me, my dear." "Oh!" "You must forgive me!" "There is nothing else I desire other than your forgiveness." "What are you laughing at, Mrs. Vogler?" "Is the actress,that one that's funny ?" "What do you know about compasion?" "What do you know?" "What do you know about compasion?" "I don't understand those sort of things, Mrs. Vogler." "I like cinema and theatre, but I hardly go." "I feel a great admiration for artists." "I think art has a great importance in life." "Especially for those that have serious problems." "I should talk about those things." "I'm skating on ice." "Let me see if I can find music." "Is it alright like this?" "Good night, Mrs. Vogler." "Sleep well." "Damn it!" "It's strange." "One goes through life doing the same things." "Doing the same things." "I will marry Karl-Henrik and will have some children... that I will raise." "All of this is decided." "It is inside me." "There is nothing to think." "It is an enormous feeling of security." "I have a good job and I am happy with him." "That is also good, but on the other hand." "But it is good..." "It's good." "I ask myself what will really happen?" "Elisabeth Vogler..." "Elisabeth . today, between the American artillery and the South Vietnamese and the desperate guerrilla of Vietcong that attacked the vital coastal base." "Marine planes and the American airfoce in Quang are bombing positions of the Vietcong army in Tay Ninh." "Today planes have left on more than 48 bombing missions." "And in other fronts, various American troop batalions, landed yesterday in the coast near..." "In this zone more than 2.000 vietcongs were captured in the largest operation in the last three months." "Today the street disturbances . that have sent more than 141 Vietcongs to the tribunals..." "Would you like me to open the letter, Mrs. Vogler?" "Should I read it?" "Would you like me to read it?" ""Dear Elisabeth:" "Since they don't permit me to see you, I am writing you." "If you do not want to read my letter, then you can ignore it." "I can not stop looking for contact with you, since I am tormented constantly by one question:" "Have I hurt you in any way?" "Have I hurt you without knowing?" "Is there a terrible misunderstanding between us?"" "Do you think I should keep reading this?" ""Lately we were happy;" "as far I thought." "We'd had never been so close to each other." "Do you remember when you'd say:" ""Now I understand marriage"?" "You have shown me..."" "I do not understand..." "Yes. "... that we should see each other like two anxious children," "Full of good will and the best intentions, but gov..." "But govern by forces that we only parcially control." "Do you remember saying all this?" "We walked through the woods and you stopped me holding from my belt..."" "There is also a picture with the letter." "It is a picture of your son..." "I don't know if..." "Would you like to see it, Mrs. Vogler?" "He looks like such a sweet child." "I have been thinking, Elisabeth, and I don't think you should still be in the hospital." "I think it is for the worse." "Since you don't want to return home, you and Sister Alma can go my house on the coast, eh?" "You think I don't understand?" "The impossible dream." "Not of seeming, but of being." "Conscious every moment." "Vigilant." "At the same time, the abiss between what you are for others and for yourself, the feeling of vertigo and the constant desire at least, of being exposed," "of being analalized, dissected, maybe even annihilated." "Every word a lie, every gesture a falsehood, every smile a grimace." "Suicide?" "¡Oh, no!" "That is horrible." "You would not do such a thing." "But you can stay immobile and in silence." "At least that way you don't lie." "You can close within yourself." "alienate yourself?" "This way you will not have to act roles, and not put on false gestures." "You think." "But, do you see?" "Reality is in the way, your hiding place is not impenetrable." "Life sweeps in through everywhere." "And you are obliged to react." "No one asks if it is real or unreal, if you are true or false." "The question is only important in theatre." "And almost not even there." "I understand you, Elisabeth." "I understand that you are in silence, that you are immobile, that you have placed this lack of will in such a fantastic system." "I understand you and admire you." "I think you should maintain this role until it ends, until it stops being interesting." "The you can leave it." "The same way that you left little by little the others." "Mrs. Vogler and the sister left for the the doctor's house at the end of the summer." "Being close to the sea produced a favorable effect on the actress." "The apathy that had crippled her was left behind for long walks, fishing, cooking, writing letters and other entertainments." "Sister Alma enjoyed her rural reclusion and her patient." "Don't you know that it's bad luck compare hands?" "Elisabeth, may I read you something from my book?" "Oh, am I bothering you?" "It starts like this:" ""All the anxiety that we carry with us, our frustrated dreams, the incomprehensible cruelty, our fear of extinction, the interior painful view of our terrestrial condition," "have slowly eroded our hope and any other salvation." "The bellow of our faith and doubt against darkness and silence it is one of our most terrible tests of our abandonment and of our terrified and indescribable knowledge."" "Do you think it is like this?" "I don't believe it." "Change..." "My worst defect is laziness and later I feel guilty." "Karl-Henrik fights with me because of my lack of ambition." "He says I go about like a zombie." "I think that's unfair." "In exams I was the best from my group." "But it's certain that he refers to something else." "You know?" "Sorry." "Do you know what I sometimes think?" "In the hospital where I was examined there is a home for elderly nurses." "Those that always lived for their work." "Always in uniform." "They live in their small rooms." "Imagine all your life dedicated to something." "I mean to say, believing in something, carrying out, believing that your life has a purpose." "I like things that way." "Clinging to one thing intensely, and nothing else matters." "It should be done." "Meaning something to the rest." "You don't think the same?" "I know it seems childish, but I believe in it." "OH my god!" ", look at the rain!" "Ah, yes!" "He was married." "We had a relationship for five years." "Then he was tired, ofcourse." "I was so much in love, that's for sure, and he was the first." "I remember everything like a long torment." "Long periods of pain and later short periods of..." "It as if you teach me to smoke." "He used to smoke a lot." "Thinking about it now, it is really common, cheap fiction." "In a certain way, it was never real." "I don't know how to describe it." "At least, I was never real for him." "My pain was real, that's certain." "It seems that I was part of it, but in a disagreable manner, like it had to that way." "Including the things we said to each other..." "Many people have told me that that I am a good listerner." "Funny, eh?" "But no one has bothered to listen to me." "Like you are doing now." "You are listening." "I think you are the first person to have listened to me." "It can't be that interesting." "I think it might be better to read a book." "God!" ", and I continue." "Am I bothering you?" "It is so nice to talk." "one feels so warm and well." "I have never felt this way in my life." "I always wanted a sister and I only have a bunch of brothers." "Seven." "Funny, eh?" "And then I arrived." "All of my life has been sorrounded by boys." "I like boys, but you should know that with all of your acting experience." "I really like Karl-Henrik ." "But, as you know, you only love one time." "I am faithful to him." "In my profession there are opportunities, I am telling you." "Karl-Henrik and I had rented a house next to the sea." "It was June and we were alone." "One day, Karl-Henrik had to go to the city, and I went to the beach alone." "It was trully great." "There was also another girl." "She lived in a nearby island, but had come to our beach because it was facing the south and much more protected." "And we layed down to sunbathed completely naked." "We slept a little, and then we rubbed suntan oil." "We had on those cheap straw hats..." "Mine had a blue ribbon." "I was laying and looking from underneath it." "I contemplated the view, the sea and the sun." "It was so very strange." "Suddenly I saw two figures jumping from the rocks and on top of us." "They would hide and then spy after us." ""There are two boys looking at us", I said to her." "She was called Katarina." ""Well then, let them look", she said." "And then she turned around." "It was a very strange sensation." "I wanted to hide and dress, but I just stayed still face down, with my ass on the air, totally ashamed, totally quiet." "The whole time I had Katarina next to me, with her thick chest and thighs." "She was there, laying, laughing a little to herself." "Suddendly I saw the two boys getting close and looking." "I saw that they were extremely young." "Then , one of them, the bolder one, got right close to us and then he started crouching next to Katarina." "He pretended to be holding his foot and he seated to touch his toes." "I was feeling totally strange." "Then unexpectedly Katarina said:" ""Well aren't going to get on top?"" "And then she touched his hand and helped him get undressed." "Suddenly he was on top of her, and she was helping and was holding his behind." "The other boy simply sat and observed." "I heard Katarina whisper on his ear and laugh." "I had his face directly in front of mine." "It was all red and swollen." "Suddenly I turned around and said:" "Aren't you going to come with me?"" "Katarina said: "Now go with her"." "And he left her and landed on me, completely hard." "He grabbed one of my breasts." "God, how it hurt!" "And in some way I was ready and I came immediately..." "I was going to tell him:" ""Be careful so I won't be pregnant", when he came." "I felt..." "I felt , for the first time in my life, how he poured inside me." "He grabbed me by the shoulders and arched backwards." "I came again and again." "Katarina was now on his side, looking at him, and held him from behind." "When he came, she hugged him and grabbed his hand to masterbate with." "When she came,she cried so much." "Then we all three started to laugh." "We called the other boy that was seating." "His name was Peter." "He was confused, and with the aspect of being completly frozen in the sun." "Katarina unbuttoned his pants and started to play with him." "He came in her mouth." "He bent forward and started to kiss her on her back." "She turned around, grabbed his head with both hands and offered her breast." "The other boy was so excited , that we both started again." "It was as good as the first time." "Then we swamp and said good bye." "When I returned home, Karl-Henrik had was home." "We dined together and drank the red wine he had brought." "Then we slept together." "Never had it been that good, not before or after." "Can you understand?" "I ended up pregnant, but ofcourse." "Karl-Henrik, which was studying medicine, took me to a friend and had it aborted." "We were both happy." "We did not want children." "Well at least for the moment." "It didn't make sense." "Him and I did not fit." "Later one has a bad conscience for the little things," "Do you understand?" "What happens with everything you believe in?" "Isn't it needed?" "Can you be one and the same person in a time?" "I mean to say, I was two people?" "God, I am so dumb!" "In any case, I don't have any reason for whining." "Wait, I am going to go get a tissue." "It is almost daylight and it keeps on raining." "Imagine, I have been talking without stoping." "I have been speaking and you have been listening." "What a bore it must be for you!" "What interest can be my life be to you?" "One should be like you." "You know what I saw when I say your movie last night?" "When I got home, I saw myself in the mirror and thought:" ""we are the same."" "Don't misunderstande me, you are much more better looking, but we are similar." "I think I could become you, if I made a real effort." "I mean from the inside." "You could become me like this, with nothing else." "Although your soul would be much bigger." "I would overflow all over." "You should sleep, if not, you will sleep on the table." "No, I should sleep, If not, I will sleep on the table and that would be a bit uncomfortable." "Good night." "Listen, Elisabeth..." "Did you call me last night?" "Last night, were you in my bedroom?" "Do you also want me to take your mail." "Can you give me a sip?" "Good bye." ""Dear doctor:" "I always wanted to live this way." "This silence, to live isolated, feeling how the maltreated soul started to finally heal." "Alma is spoiling me in the most moving manner." "I think, by the way, that she is enjoying it and that she likes me a lot, she is even excited in a delicious and unconscious way." "It is fun to study her." "Sometimes she cries for past sins, like an orgiastic episode with an unknown guy." "Followed by an abortion." "Complains that her life's concepts dont agree with her actions. "" "I see that you are reading theatre." "That is a good sign." "I will tell the doctor." "Don't you think we should leave soon?" "I am starting to miss the city." "Don't you?" "Would you really like to make me happy?" "I know it is a sacrifice, but Ineed your help right now." "It is nothing dangerous." "I want you to talk to me." "It doesn't have to be anything special." "Anything." "What are we having for dinner or if you think that the water is cold after a storm or too cold to go swimming." "We should only need to speak a few minutes." "One minuto." "You could read it from your book." "Only some words." "I must not try to get upset." "You stay in silence, that is yours." "But I now need you to speak to me." "Mi dear wife, can't you say not even a simple word?" "I knew you would oppose." "You can not know how I feel." "I always thought that the great artist felt great compasion for the rest," "that he created from a great understanding of sympathy and the necessity to help." "Stupid me." "You have used me!" "Now that you don't need me you throw me without more!" "Yes, I hear very well how it sounds!" ", how false it sounds!" "You have used me and now you get rid of me!" "Every word!" "And then, this glasses!" "You have really hurt me." "You have laughed behind my back." "I read the letter you sent the doctor, it wasn't sealed." "And I read it all!" "You made me talk!" "You made me say things that I would never have told anyone." "And you tell them!" "A study, eh?" "¡You aren't...!" "Well now you are going to talk, if you have something to say!" "You are a rotten...!" "¡No, still!" "You were really scared, eh?" "For one second you have really been afraid, no?" "a real fear of death, eh?" "You thought that Alma had become crazy." "What kind of person are really?" "Or do you think like this:" ""I will always remember that face, that tone of voice, that expression."" "I will give something that you will not forget!" "You like, right?" "For me it is not that simple... nor that funny." "But you always had your smile." "It must be like that?" "Is it really important not to lie?" "to speak with a truthful tone?" "Can one live without speaking freely?" "To Lie, flee and avoid things." "Isn't it better let oneself and be lazy and forgetful, false?" "Maybe you would be better if you allowed yourself to be what you are." "No, you don't understand." "You don't understand what I am saying." "YOu are inaccessible." "They said you were mentally sane, but your crazyness is the worst." "You act as if you were sane." "You do it so well that all believe you." "All except for me, because I know how rotten you are." "What am I doing?" "¡Elisabeth!" "¡Elisabeth, forgive me!" "I have behaved like an idiot, I don't know what's happened to me." "I am here to help you, but when I saw that horrible letter..." "I felt very betrayed." "You asked me to talk about myself." "It was nice, you seemed to compassionate." "I had drank to much..." "It was so nice to be able to talk about that." "I was also flattered because a great actress was listening." "I thought it would be alright to tell it, if it would help you." "But that is terrible, really?" "Total exhibitioniscm!" "Elisabeth, I want you to forgive me." "I value you very much, you mean so much to me." "I have learned so much from you, I don't want us to separate like enemies." "Don't you want to forgive me!" "You have to much pride!" "You are not humiliating yourself, because you don't have to do it." "I will not do it!" "I will not do it!" "We don't speak, we don't listen, we don't understand..." "Elisabeth?" "What does it mean to be able...?" "When you sleep your face is flaccid." "The face is swollen and ugly." "You have an ugly wrinkle on the face." "You smell of sleep and tears ." "I see your pulse beat on your throat." "You have a scar that you normally cover with makeup." "¡Elisabeth!" "¡Elisabeth!" "Is calling again." "I will find out what they want from us." "Here, far, in our solitude." "¡Elisabeth!" "Elisabeth?" "Sorry if I have frightened you." "I am not Elisabeth." "I don't come here asking you for anything." "I didn't want to bother you." "You think I don't understand?" "The doctor explained things." "The most difficult is explaining to the child." "I do what I can." "There something that lies deep that is difficult to see." "You love someone; to be exact, you say you love someone." "It is incomprehensible." "Intangible, like words, that's it." "Mrs. Vogler, I am not your wife." "YOu are also loved." "You have created a small sisterhood." "It generates security." "Do you see the posibility of it lasting, isn't it like that?" "How can I say everything that I have thought without loosing myself, without borring you?" "I love you, just as I had loved you before." "No, don't be so anxious, my loved one." "We have each other." "We have faith, we know our mutual thoughts." "We love another." "It is true, right?" "The most important thing is the effort, not what we obtain, right?" "See each other like children." "Defenceless, tormented, alone..." "Elisabeth..." "Tell the boy that I will go soon." "That mom has been sick, but that she has been longing to see her little one." "Remember to buy him a gift from mommy." "You know that I have so much tenderness for you..." "It is almost dificult to bear." "I don't know what to do with my tenderness." "I live of from kindness." "Elisabeth, do you like being with me?" "is it nice?" "You are a wonderful lover, you know that." "and I love you..." "Curse me!" "Please leave me !" "¡No, I can't!" "I can't endure it anymore!" "Leave me in peace!" "It is a shame!" "Everything is a shame!" "Leave me in peace!" "¡Estoy fría, podrida e indiferente!" "Everything is a lie or imitations!" "Everything!" "Elisabeth," "What do you have there?" "What are you hiding under your hand?" "Let me see." "It the picture of your boy, the one you had torn." "We should talk about it." "Tell me about it, Elisabeth." "Then I will do it." "It was one night at a party, right?" "It was late and very loud." "The dawn was approaching, and someone in the group said:" ""Elisabeth, like a woman and an artist you have it... practically everything under your belt, but you lack motherly feelings."" "You laughed becuase you thought that it was nonsense." "After a while, you started to think about what he said." "It worried you more and more." "You let your husband impregnate you." "You wanted to be a mother." "When you found out that it was true, you became afraid." "The responsibility frightened you, to be tied, to leave the theatre." "The pain scared you, death, that your body would swell." "But you acted out the role." "The role of a future young and happy mother." "The whole world said:" ""She is so beautiful."" ""She has never been so beautiful"" "Mean while, you tried to abort several times." "But you failed." "When you saw that it was irreversible, you started to hate the baby and wanted a still birth." "You wished that the baby was dead." "You wanted a dead baby." "It was a long and difficult birth." "You were in pain for several days." "Finally, the baby was born using forceps." "You saw with disgust and terror your crying child and murmurred:" ""Can't you die soon?" "Can you die?"" "But he survived." "The boy cried day and night." "And you hated him." "You were afraid and felt guilty." "Finally relatives and a sitter took care of the baby." "You could now get up from bed and return to theatre." "But your pain had not ended." "The boy saw himself trapped by an inmeasurable love for his mother." "You defend yourself." "You defend yourself desperately." "You feel that you can't correspond." "And you try and keep trying, but between you there is only cruel and rough encounters." "You can't do it." "You are cold and indifferent." "He looks at you." "He loves you and he is so tender..." "You want to hit him, because he doesn't live you alone." "You think he is repulsive, with his thick lips and ulgy body , with his wet and begging eyes." "He is repulsive and you are afraid." "What are you hiding under your hand?" "Let me see." "It is the picture of your boy, the one you tore." "We should talk about it." "Tell me about it, Elisabeth." "Then I will do it." "It was a night at a party, right?" "It was late and loud." "Dawn was approaching and someone from the group said:" ""Elisabeth, like a woman and and artist you have it practically everything under your belt, but you lack motherly feelings."" "You laughed because you thought it was nonsense." "After a while, you started to think about what he said." "It worried you more and more." "You let your husband impregnate you." "You wanted to be a mother." "When you found out that it was true, you became afraid." "The responsibility frightened you, to be tied, to leave the theatre." "The pain scare you, death, that your body would swell." "But you played the role." "The role of a future young and happy mother." "The whole world said:" ""You are so beautiful." "You've never been so beautiful."" "Mean while, you tried to abort several times." "But you failed." "When you saw that it was irreversible" "You started to hate the baby and you wished a still birth." "You wished that the baby would die." "You wanted a dead baby." "It was a long and difficult birth." "You were in pain for several days." "Finally, the baby was born using forceps." "You was with disgust and terror your crying child and murmurred:" ""Can't you die soon?" "Can you die?"" "The day cried day and night and you hated him." "You were afraid and felt guilty." "Finally some relatives and a sitter took care of the baby." "You could now get up from bed and return to theatre." "But the suffering did not end." "The boy was trapped with an inmeasurable love for his mother." "You defend desperately." "You feel that you can't correspond." "And you try and keep trying, but between you there is only cruel and rough encounters." "You can't do it." "You are cold and indifferent." "He looks at you." "He loves us and is tender..." "You want to hit him because he doesn't leave you in peace." "You think he is repulsive, with his thick mouth and ugly body, with his wet and begging eyes." "He is repulsive and you are afraid." "No!" "I am not like you." "I do not feel like you." "I am Sister Alma, I am only here to help you." "I am not Elisabeth Vogler!" "You are Elisabeth Vogler!" "I would like to have...!" "I adore...!" "I don't have..." "I've learnt so much." "We'll see how long I can last." "I will never be like you, never." "I change all the time." "You can do whatever you like, it won't affect me." "Talking is useless." "Put out the candle." "It is like being another." "Now no, no." "No, no." "Cautious and outside time." "Unforseen." "When it was supossed to occur, it didn't, and therefore, failed." "Stay where you are!" "But I should do it." "Not inward, no..." "Get ready and tell the others..." "The inconsolable and, maybe..." "Here, yes..." "But, what is closer...?" "What do you call it...?" "No, no, no..." "Us, our, you, me..." "Many words and such nausea..." "Incomprehensible pain." "Now listen to me." "Repeat after me." "Nothing..." "Nothing." "No, nothing..." "Nothing." "That's it." "That's good." "That's how it should be."