"Oh." "Hey, diary." "So, I've just been working on a new Christmas carol, and I would like to present it to you now." "♪ Christmas, it's a wonderful holiday ♪" "♪ Except if your name is Kimmie Boubier ♪" "♪ Then Christmas time represents the day that sucked!" "♪" "Okay, girls, so two things this year." "First, daddy's not playing Santa anymore." "Second, daddy's not playing daddy anymore." "♪ It's Christmas ti-i-i-me ♪" "♪ I'm fine ♪" "Oh." "Diary, whatever happens," "I'm determined to make this Christmas super fun." "♪ Don't stop me now ♪" "♪ I'm having such a good time ♪ ♪ Good time ♪" "♪ I'm having a ball ♪ ♪ Super fun night ♪" "♪ Don't stop me now ♪ ♪ 'Cause I'm havin' a good time ♪" "♪ I don't want to stop at all ♪" "♪ Super fun night ♪ ♪ Super fun wild night ♪" "__" "Does my nose deceive me, or is that Pappy Peter's maple peppercorn bacon?" " It is." " Oh." "I just wanted to say thank you guys so much for spending this Christmas with me." "Honestly, I'd rather be here than go home." "Every time I drop a fork, my parents shout, "You shame us!"" "Yeah." "I was gonna visit my brother in prison, but turns out he's gonna be in the hole for the next two weeks." "Okay, so, for super fun Christmas, after breakfast, I thought we could go here." " Santa's Tree Wonderland." " Mm." "We need to get a tree, but this place serves warm cookies and you can even pet a reindeer." "I've always wanted to pet a reindeer." "It would satisfy my desire to pet a moose, but on a scale I could handle." "If my bristle count is correct, we're looking at some top-grade Douglas fir action." "So, I'm in big time." "Yeah!" "But, Kimmie, how are we gonna get there?" "Oh, Richard's driving us." "We made a little wager." "He lost." "How could this possibly be America's favorite food?" "'Cause it goes down so smooth." "Kimmie!" "Kimmie!" "It's true what they say about the English." "They can't eat 18 hot dogs in 2 minutes." "It's a tragic culture." "I must've been in a delirium challenging Kimmie, and now I have to drive her whenever, wherever she wants for a whole month." "But it's Christmas Eve." "It's not like you have a written contract." " You do have a written contract." " Yes." "Look." "Don't panic." "I should be back in time to save you from your ghastly parents." "Do not be late." "I never spend time with my parents without at least one human buffer." "If it is just me and them and their gin and tonics, it turns into "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf"" "minus the warmth." "Great." "Sounds lovely." "Look forward to it." "Ow." "You almost done bundling there, H.A.?" "Layers is warmth, warmth is life, life is fragile." "Two more layers." "Merry Christmas." "All right, let's get this over with." "♪ He has to drive us there ♪" "♪ Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum ♪" "Very funny." "Very funny." "♪ You lost a hot-dog bet ♪" "♪ Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum ♪" "♪ Pum-pum-parum ♪" "Okay." "Let's start our adventure." "Great." "A couple of rules first." "Rules?" "What rules?" "I like rules." "Yes." "Uh, no eating in the car." "Respect the leather." "And the radio will play only soft rock, so if you do not wish to be rocked softly, then please do not come." "What if I want to be hip-hopped?" "I'm sorry, Kimmie." "I'm not going to allow that." "That's racist." "Come on." "All right." "All right, Gloomy Gus." "Now, does anybody have the address so I can enter it into my GPS?" "Don't bother, Richie..." "I got the navigational skills of a younger, hotter Ferdi Magellan." "H.A., slap me my maps." "Ah, I think my GPS knows the way." "So, you're gonna trust that computer over this computer." "Yes, I am, because my GPS is connected to a satellite in the sky." "Well, my noggin is connected to magnetic poles of all nine planets." "Kimmie, did you break into my backup snack pack backpack?" "Those are just for emergencies." "I was hungry." "Emergency averted." " Okay." " All right." "What kind of ride you got, Richard?" "S.U.V., you like a sports-car man, two-door, four-door, what are we talking?" "We'll see very shortly." "Could you just..." "Thank you." "Dear God, please let my parents be nice, normal people this year." "I know that's a tall order, but you never got back to me about the gas leak in their apartment." "Amen." "Kendy." "Ah, Merry Christmas, mother." "Oh, this is new." "Merry Christmas." "So, where's this boyfriend of yours?" " Oh, he's coming." " Mm." "Later." "Where's daddy?" "Oh, making a call." "We've had to fire Olga." "Our maid?" "Mm." "But...she raised me." "Oh, don't be sentimental, dear." "It's Christmas." "Well, it's good to see you, darling." "Look at you bravely wearing a dress like that." "Well, uh, we're sitting over here." "Thanks for nothing." "GPS said it would take us two hours to get here." "Marika gets us here in an hour 50, and that's why robots will never win." "Bravo, Marika." "This drive not only confirms your amazing sense of direction, but how bold and energetic you can be in confined spaces." "Aww, thanks, buddy." "Guys, we made it." "Santa's Tree Wonderland." "Like the sign says." ""Yule love it."" "Are you sure this is it?" "It looks a lot nicer in the brochure." "__" "And hey, guys." "I think I do smell those fresh cookies." "Is that cookies?" "Oh, no, wait." "That's poop." " Yep." " Yes." "But look, a traditional Christmas trailer." "Oh, yeah, with... traditional Christmas lawn chairs out front." "Come on, let's make the best of it." " Yeah, all right." " Let's go!" "Okay." "Kendy!" "Ah, hi, daddy." "Great to see you, chum." "You're looking swell." "Thank you." " How did Olga take it?" " Great." "Uh...then again, I have no idea what she was saying." "Would you like a drink?" "No, I'm fine." "All right." "Where's your new fella?" "Oh, he's...gonna be..." "Kendall's friend couldn't make it, dear." "Oh." "That's too bad." "Ah, nope." "That's not what I said, mother." "I said that he's coming later." "He'll be here, daddy." "That's why you're such a good lawyer, Kendall." "You always stay on point, no matter how hopeless the situation." "Maybe I'll have a double vodka." " Gin." " Vodka." " Gin." " Bottle of vodka." "This is clearly false advent-izing." "But...who cares?" "We can still find the perfect tree." "Did someone say "the perfect tree"?" " Yes!" "I did!" "I did!" " Hi!" "I'm Howard the elf." "I've got trees, wreaths, and if you're looking for a good time, whoa!" "I can samba." "That's not samba." "It's a samba." " Wow." " Whoo!" "Sorry, could you just stop dancing for just one moment, please?" "Unfortunately, I can't." "Ooh." "All right, all right." "Enough." "Stop." "Ev..." "No." "Are you g..." "No." "We're just here for trees." " The show can go." " Right." "I need to get back to Kendall, so do you have a tree in this place that doesn't look remotely dead?" "Okay." "It's Christmas Eve." "What did you expect?" "This is all I got." "I mean, I do this whole act to distract people from how horrible the trees are." "That's very helpful." "I'm really glad we drove two hours to get these anorexic shrubs." "Whoo." "Oh." "Wait." "W-what about this one?" "How much?" "$300." "What?" "!" "That's not worth more than $25." "♪ It's Christmas Eve, it's Christmas Eve ♪" "Hey, th-that's the same roadkill raccoon we saw an hour ago." "We're going in circles." "And we're out of petrol." "How are we doing on gas?" "Oh, right." "I don't know what went wrong, you guys." "It's possible they shifted around some of these hills... fracking, and whatnot." "Now we might not make it back in time to make gingerbread Channing Tatums." "And cinnamon Buscemis." "Okay." "Don't panic." "We can just call a tow truck and get us out of here." " I can't get any signal." " Me neither." "Did you guys just hear that wind?" " Oh, that was really scary." " Okay, I'm sure we'll be fine." "♪ It's Christmas ti-i-i-i-me ♪" "♪ We'll be fine ♪" "Whoo!" "♪ We'll be fine ♪" " We're all gonna die here." " O-o-ooh, yeah!" "We should have made a bonfire out of the car seats." " No, we shouldn't have." " Well, I can't feel my fibula." "It's happening." "We're dying." "No, we're not dying." "We're just enjoying the great outdoors." "I'm loving it..." "all this fresh air." "All right." "Honesty time." "If we start starving..." "I want you guys to eat me." "I know that sounds a little bit weird, and it's probably hard to wrap your minds around," " but I wanted to..." " No, we'd do it." " We've talked about it." " Ladies, we've only been stranded for 45 minutes!" "Richard, can you just try to be jolly?" "I'm trying to have a good Christmas for once." "Well, congratulations." "You dragged me out to a refugee camp for dying twigs," "I trust your friend as a GPS..." "Once again, I do apologize for breaking said trust." "And now we're stranded and lost." "So, if I don't die out here, Kendall will kill me for sure." "Well done, Kimmie." "You've officially made this the worst Christmas ever." " Guys." " Uh, no." "Trust me." "This is not the worst Christmas." "The worst was when my mother was dancing "The Nutcracker"" " at home naked and crying!" " Guys." "Guys!" "I'm going to lose a leg from frostbite, so I hope you're happy about that!" "Guys, look!" "It's a cabin." "Well, why didn't you tell us sooner?" "I tried to, but you guys kept..." "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Let's roll." "Come on, come on, come on." "Is anybody ho-o-o-me?" "Oh, please say yes." "We're freezing our nips o-o-off!" "Okay." "Okay." "Open." "It's open." "O...kay." "Holy sh..." "Night!" "Oh!" "Okay, you just got a ton of bacteria in your mouth." "Hot damn, hot damn, hot damn." "Whoo!" "Bearskin rug, moose head on the wall." "This place is either owned by taxidermists or Canadians." "Either way, we could be in for a tussle." "Five and a half hours for a tow truck?" "!" "Wa..." "Yes." "I am aware that it's Christmas Eve, but it doesn't apply to us, because we're..." "Jewish." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Isn't this nice, Liddy?" "Out for drinks with our best girl." "I suppose." "Your mother hates going out." "The good news is, the more she drinks, the quieter she gets." "Right, darling?" "Oh, shut up, Spencer." "Yep." "She needs another one." "I, for one, still don't understand why you broke up with Roland." "He was a tough investment officer at Bank Sparhafen in Zurich." "Yeah." "He was also married." "I give up." "The arrogance of this girl!" "I wonder where she learned that from." "This is not arrogance, Spencer." "This is someone trying to save face while you galavant about with your polo instructor." "Brian and I are friends, Lydia..." "Friends who ride magnificent horses together." "Stop it!" "This is why I don't like spending time with you two." "Or your imaginary boyfriend, apparently." "Maybe we'll get some imaginary grandchildren out of the deal." "Hurrah!" "Yeah." "Look." "Here's one, right now." "And it hates you." "Mm." "Hello, who is this?" "Kendall." "Merry Christmas." "It's Richard." "Richard, where are you?" "We're stuck in the middle of nowhere." "Please come and get us." "Uh, what's that, honey?" "A spur-of-the-moment Christmas surprise vacation to Aruba?" "Oh!" "How romantic!" "I'm on my way." "I assume that's you saving face with your parents." "You're picking me up?" "Well, if anyone can land a helicopter on Fifth Avenue, it's you." "Bye!" "Um, let's not over-think this." "Whoever cooked this would want us to eat it." "No." "It could be poisoned." "So, the killers cooked this sumptuous feast in the hopes that someone would get stranded, break into their house, and eat the poisoned food?" "Yes." "They could have poisoned it, waited for us..." " Bam, we're dead." " You're losing it, H.A." " It just happened." " You're losing it." " It just happened." " You're cuckoo." "How poisoned are we talking?" "I once ate that tiny bit of rat poison on a piece of Swiss cheese." "Worth it." "Whoa." "Is this a Christmas miracle?" "Oh!" "Are you...?" "Pissed off?" "Because you're in my house?" "!" "Yes!" "Come at me." "Don't kill us, Santa!" "I'm not Santa, you dummy." "Well, I don't normally argue with people wielding an ax, but, uh, to be fair, you do look a lot like Father Christmas." " 'Tis the season." " What are you doing in my cabin?" "Please, sir, put down the ax." "Put down the turkey leg." "Kimmie!" "You broke into my home." "Now you're eating my dinner." "Explain yourselves." " Okay, well..." " My name is Marika, and I have" " a really good sense of direction..." " One at a time!" "One at a time!" " ..." "Richard out..." " You!" "Goldilocks." "Talk." "Okay, first of all, thank you for calling me Goldilocks." "Nobody's ever really called me that." "It's kind of flattering." "Secondly, this turkey is crazy-moist." " I..." " Why are you here, lady?" "Okay, our car broke down." "Your door was unlocked, so we just" "came in." " We were hungry and angry." " Some would say "hangry."" "Whatever." "We're very, very sorry, aren't we?" "Well, it seems you've already helped yourselves." "You might as well sit down." "Okay." " Really?" " Thank you." "That's awfully nice of you." "Thank you." "Yum, yum." "Oh, you're going to sit there." "That's okay." "That's fine." "In England, getting stuffed is a vulgar term, but this is so good, I don't care." "In fact, I love getting stuffed by your stuffing." "I feel bad, though, that we ate most of your meal." "Don't you have guests coming?" "No." "There's no one coming." "I used to come up here all the time with my wife and kids to spend Christmas Eve, but over time well, the kids moved away, and then my wife and I used to come to the cabin by ourselves." "That's really romantic." "A few years ago, she passed away." "I still come up every year." "I guess that's a way of me celebrating Christmas the way I always remembered it." "Except that now all the gays are getting married and the president is black." "Hmm..." "I guess that's true." "But this place is really nice." "Don't your kids want to come up and join you?" "No, they have their own lives." "They're too busy." " Oh!" "Kendall!" " Oh." "Thank God you're here." "You really must taste this stuffing." "It's excellent." "Richard, I don't want to make light of your crisis, but there is a truck stop less than half a mile down the road." "Oh!" "Oh!" "We should..." "We should probably go." " Of course." " If we leave now, there's still time to save super fun Christmas." "Yeah." "We could still trim the tree, deck our section of the hall, get all the ice from the freezer and make a snidget." " What's a snidget?" " It's a little snow person." "Thanks for having us, old dude." "Oh, it's nice to have company." "Hope you have a nice Christmas." "Thank you." "Good." "Guys." "Guys, hold on." "Wait." "Actually, I-I just noticed that you don't have a tree, and we have one back at our car." "If you want, as a... as a thank-you, we could bring it back here and decorate it nice for you." "Oh." "No need to bother." "It'd..." "It'd be no bother." "Well, it's a little bit of a bother." "I mean we'd love to." "I hate the holidays." "You give me that back, or I will break your fingers." "I just spent three hours alone with my parents." "I need this." "There you are." "♪ Here we come a-wassailing, among the leaves so green ♪" "♪ What the hell is wassailing?" "I don't know what it means ♪" "Um, Kimmie, I'd just like to apologize for yelling at you in the woods earlier." "Under stressful situations, I can become what my father affectionately calls "a prissy little prat."" "No, it was my fault, too." "I was desperately trying to make up for Christmases Past." " Were they bad?" " Oh...no, it was...n-nothing." "You're not the only person who comes from a very dysfunctional family, Kimmie." "Come on." "Well, when I was 11, my dad left us at Christmas." "Well, my mom threw him out of the house." "And for years later, like, we never spoke." "We never heard from him." "And then eventually started getting calls and messages around Christmas time." ""Just know I always love you." "I'm so proud of you." ""I saw you graduated from law school and everything."" "And I just was, like, "ignore," "delete."" "Sorry." "It's just..." "Um, seeing that old guy tonight..." "He was sitting there and didn't have anybody." "I just..." "I don't know." "I was just thinking of my dad and even though he did wrong things, he maybe didn't really deserve to be shut out in the cold like that." " Mm." " So..." "Well, I think, from this Christmas trip, we didn't necessarily get what we wanted." "But we definitely got what we needed." "I think I just quoted the Rolling Stones there." "Oh, I'm not familiar with their work." "What, you don't know Mick Jagger?" "Okay." "He's the bloke that does this." "Oh." "Oh, oh." "No." "I know who Mick Jagger is." "I just really wanted to see you do that." "There you go again." "Merry Christmas, Boubier." "Yeah." "Oh." "Merry Christmas, Richard." "Come here." " You okay?" " Yeah." " Good." "Good." "Good." " Yeah." "Look." "♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪" "♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪" "♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪" "♪ And a happy new year ♪" "♪ Good tidings we bring to you and your kin ♪" "♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪" "♪ And a happy new year ♪" "♪ Oh, bring us some figgy pudding ♪" "♪ Oh, bring us some figgy pudding ♪" "Hello?" "Dad?" "It's Kimmie." "Yeah, I-I just wanted to call and wish you a Merry Christmas." "♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪" "♪ And a happy new ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-ar ♪" "Okay." "Um, why don't we do, like, a Christmas tree..." "A human pyramid?" "Oh, I'm good on my knees." "I'll be the stump." " Oh." "Okay." " Oh, dear." " You or me." "You want to flip for it." " Uh..." "Now, Richie, you just say the word if I'm too heavy for you, okay?" "No, no." "You'll be fine." "Don't worry." "The middle ground." "I'm like a koala." "I'm very dense." "Oh." "You're fine." "Okay, and smile." "Merry Christmas!" "Okay, was that it?" "Off."