"When I was 17, it was a very good year ..." "Niles, that's incredible." "All day long with the butler act and then this voice comes out of you?" "You got a real James Nabors-Gomer Pile thing going on there." "Surprise!" "Surprise!" "Oh, don't make me laugh." "I just hung up the phone from my sister Nadine." "You know, the caterer?" "Her husband left her." " Oh, dear." "Oh, I'll tell you, it doesn't surprise me." "Barry is the biggest low life, and I should know." "I dated him for six months before Nadine stole him away from me." "Miss Fine -- /Oh, and, you know, if only there was a way that I can finagle her to come stay with us for a couple of day." "I really owe her." "I mean, we came from the same womb, but she was 13 pounds." "After her, mom was a water slide." "Why do you think I have such a beautiful forehead?" "Miss Fine -- / You know, Niles, this party mix ain't bad, but I think you OD'd a little on the cinnamon." "You're eating the potpourri." "Ah, it's fiber." "Oh, this is the last thing I needed to see first thing in the morning." "Well, why don't you stagger her work hours, sir?" "My main singer's dropped out of our backers' audition." "I can't believe he just left us in the lurch." "Oh, well, why don't you use Niles?" " Niles?" "No, no, you misunderstood." "He said left us in the lurch." "Not get us lurch." "Uggg!" "Well, you know, I think you're missing a big opportunity here." "But maybe I shouldn't open my mouth." "Who knows if he'd even want to do it?" "Yes, I do is love my work." "Mr. Sheffield, he could have made a fortune with his voice, but instead the man chose to serve you." "He's not a smart man, but a very talented one." "Oh, Miss Fine, do be serious." "We need someone with a legit voice." "And the world would be better for this ..." "Someone who can emote." "... that one man scorned and covered with stars ..." " Sullied to the back of the house." "... still strode with his last ounce of courage ..." "Sing out, Louise!" "... who will reach the unreachable star." "Oh, bravo!" "Oh, God, Maxwell, that was so good." "Top ten things she says alone in bed." "Niles ..." " Yeah?" "Perhaps you should take a look at the sheet music. / Really?" "Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you know, I was just thinking, with Niles rehearsing your song, who's going to do all the cooking?" " Well, you could help us out, Miss Fine." "Oh, you know, I'd love to." "But remember, this is me making Lipton's." "Um ..." "Well, I suppose I'll just have to hire someone." "Oh, no." "A stranger with all the expensive stuff you got laying around here?" "I mean, things I broke alone -- gee, if only one of us was related to a caterer ..." "What?" "Isn't your sister a caterer?" "Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you know, that's why I'm working for you, bro." "Yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah ..." "Oh, Niles, that's so beautiful." "Gee, you know, if you put on a yamauch, you could be a cantor at Temple Beth Shalom." "Hey, Fran, what do you think of this blouse?" " Well, that depends." "You planning on wearing it with a leather mini-skirt or just leggings?" "Ha, ha, ha." "It's not for me." "It's for a girl I like." "It's for her birthday." "Well, B, this is see-through." "Oh, man ..." "I didn't even notice that." " Yeah, yeah." "Can you believe that kid?" "Wanting to buy a see-through blouse for a little girl?" "Boy, that reminds me of my ex-boyfriend, Danny." "Do you know for my birthday once he actually bought me a G-string?" "Oh, dear, how inappropriate." "Oh, I'll tell you, if it wasn't my mother's birthday in two days, I'd still be stuck with it." "That's Nadine." "She's a leaner." "Hi, angel." " Hi, Nay." "Moi!" "Oh, Nay, I'm so sorry about you and Barry busting up." "Please, I'm fine." "Does this disposal work?" "Yeah." "Why?" "Well, at least you've made peace with it." "Come meet Niles, the butler." " How do you do?" "I take pills." " Oh." "Niles, who does my sister look like?" "Your mother?" " Niles, doesn't she feel bad enough?" "A pair of falsies?" " Farrah Fawcett!" "Oh, yeah, this is remarkable." " Everyone says that." "Nay, come on, sit down." "I'm so happy that you're here." "It's good you got to get away for a couple of days." "I'm sure you're going to miss the girls, though." "Nah, they look like Barry." "That makes it easier." "Still, it must be hard on them." " Divorce is tough." "No." "I mean because they're staying with Ma." "Ha!" "How did we make it out of there without turning into two yentas." "Yoi, I tell ya." "... stay at YMCA, yeah ..." "Those were the days, my friend." "Oh, I thought they'd never end." "Say, you know, Loeman's got in that big shipment." "Did you go over there on Thursday?" "No." "I had a barbecue." "I piled all of Barry's clothes outside his mother's house, and I set them on fire." "Well, as long as you're not bitter." "Barry and I stopped having sex two years ago." "Do you know why?" "Because you had that thing on your stomach that needed to be drained?" "No." "That didn't bother him." "It was because he couldn't perform his animal husbantry." "Yeah." "Well, that was because he was performing nightly with that trampy salesgirl from Wilson's House of Suede." "What salesgirl?" " Nothing." "Fran, make her give it back." " What?" "Ow!" "You're hurting me." " Oh, Fran, that could be us." "No." "You used to schlepp me around by my nostrils. / Oh." "Ow!" "Stop it, stop it, stop it." "What's the matter?" "Gracie stole my lipstick." " No, I didn't." "Fran, don't you think she's a little young to be wearing makeup?" "Don't you think she's a little young to let her boyfriend " "You know, what, Fran?" "I think I can handle this." "All right." "Listen to me." "I want you to be nicer to your sister because someday you may need an organ, and your brother has a different blood type." "Come here." "Look at me and Nay." " Love you, angel." "Give me a kidney." "Take two. / Moi!" "Oh, doesn't that just take you back?" "I remember you were always stealing my stuff." "Nay, what are you doing with my sweater?" "My sweater." " No, it's not." "I remember you gave it to me." " I did not." "Did too." " You lier." "Now give that to me. / No." "Give it to me." "It's mine." "Oh, good." " Okay." "You win." "Hey, Nay ..." "Into the pool." "Stop it." "You animal, you." "Say uncle. / Drop dead." " I'll spit on you. / Ma!" "Hi girls." "Did you work out your little problem?" "I'm the greatest star;" "I am by far." "Take a bow, take it now." "But no one knows -- good morning." "Niles, tea." " Yes, I'd love some." "My throat's a little dry and throw in a sprig of mint." "I'm not getting you tea." "Well, I'm not singing in your show." "Lemon?" "Yes." "But we're out." "Here's $10." "Get a little rawhide chewy for yourself." "It's okay, Nay." "I didn't fill the bathtub up for me." "Butch and Sundance might be coming by, and I thought they might want to water their horses." "I take it Ava and Zsa Zsa are not hitting it off?" "Oh, you know, Niles, my sister has always wanted everything that I've had -- my clothes, my toys." "Once I actually got a shag haircut just because I knew she'd look lousy in it." "Took me 12 weeks to grow it out, but she looked like Cousins Etz." "Oh, I'll tell you, if she could, she would be me." "Oh, Miss Fine, I'm sure you're exaggerating. / No, I'm not " "Good morning, Nadine." "Good morning, Nadine." "Would you like a freshly baked croissant?" "Oh, that sounds fabu." "Sure it's no trouble?" "Oh, not at all." "When Miss Babcock comes back, I'll send her back out." "Nay, maybe this wasn't such a good idea you staying here after all." "What do you mean?" " I mean, maybe you should leave." "I don't understand." " That's why you did so poorly on the "$20,000 Pyramid" and Betty White wanted to punch you out." "Why are you doing this to me?" "My husband is leaving me." "Oh, Nay, relax." "You'll find someone else." "You can cook your way into the heart of any man." "Easy for you to say." "You're so lucky." "You're living like Ellie Mae Clampett." "You've got a gorgeous guy." "Oh, I do?" "Where?" "Where?" " Good morning, ladies." "Mr. Sheffield?" "He's my boss." "So there's nothing going on between you and him?" " No." "Then you don't mind if I go after him?" "Do I smell fas-fas la pesto?" "No." "She don't come till Thursday." "Mr. Sheffield, bubby, come here." "Taste this." "Ummmmm ..." " Ummmmm." "It is good, isn't it?" " Uh-huh." "Yuk!" "Miss Fine, is there something wrong?" "No." "I'm sorry." "It's just that I ate a really big piece of fat." "That's where all the flavor is." "What's the matter, Nadine?" "Need to get that thing drained again?" "Keep an eye on my dumplings." "I just want to run up to my room. / Uh-huh." "My room, Nay." "And by the way, your dumplings are down to your knees." "Miss Fine, your sister is a wonderful cook." "Where on earth have you been keeping her?" "In a jar with air holes on the top." "I beg your pardon?" "Can't you see what she's doing?" "She is throwing herself at you." " She's cooking for me." "Yeah, well, nothing says loving like something from the oven." "You're off your bloody rocker." "You know that?" "Thank God you're not operating heavy machinery. / Uh-huh." "Just raising my children." "Oh, you know, Niles, there is something to be said for sibling riflery." "You mean rivalry, Miss Fine." "No, I mean ... boom!" "Whoa!" "Nadine, is there something I could do for you?" "Um, I thought you might want a little something to nibble on before bed." "Good night, Mr. Sheffield." "Good night, Nay." "Nadine!" " I thought Mr. Sheffield might be hungry." "Actually, I'm still quite full from dinner." "What?" "There's always room for Jell-O?" "How dare you come into my boss's room dressed like you're over 30 and desperate." "Here." "Cover yourself up." "Oh ..." "It was a two-for-one sale." "I have nothing to be ashamed of." "I have a beautiful figure." "She's not the only one with a body for days. / Ssshhh." "Don't tell my boss I've got a body for days." "He's not blind." "Now, come on, let's go." "Let's go." " Hey, who you pushing?" "Hey, hey. / Hey, hey, hey, hey." "Ladies, ladies ..." "Ladies, can we take this outside or to a mud pit somewhere?" "Oh, need an extra pillow, sir?" "Good night, Niles. / Well, you know, actually I'm not very tired." "Good night, Niles." "Would you excuse us?" "I'd like a moment alone with your sister, please." "You heard him." "Get out." "I think he's talking to me, Nay." "Right?" "Good night, Mr. Sheffield." "If you want me, I'll be in my room." "My room, Nay." "Well, congratulations, Miss Fine." "You were right about your sister." "Is there anyone in your family who's not a raving lunatic?" "Hey ..." "I'll have to get back to you on that one." "Hey ..." "You know, if she wasn't such a damn fine caterer," "I'd throw her out before this backers' audition." "Gee, you know, this is the first time I've ever been in your bedroom." "It's not at all as I imagined it to be." "It's got a whole James Bond "Octopusy" thing going on." "Get out." " Bye." "Me, me, me, me, me, me;" "me, me, me, me, me, me." "Ah, who's going to get the door?" " You, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you." "So, Niles, nervous?" "Oh, no." "I look at this as a chance to fulfill the dream of a lifetime, sir." "Oh, I hate backers' auditions -- ah, so much pressure, so much riding on it, so many lives, so many jobs, all depending on this one night." "Well, carry on." "You, know, if mommy knew the way her eldest daughter behaved last night," "I'll tell you, she'd be so mortified, she would just pack her bags and move down to Florida." "Call Ma ..." "I didn't know mommy had two daughters." "She was so busy pulling up your dress and showing off your thighs to everyone." "This you envied?" "To this day I can't wear a short dress." "You called Barry?" "I had to, Nadine." "It's time you go home and face your demons." "Oh, nice thing to call your nieces." " I didn't mean them." "Although ..." "Did somebody call for an air conditioning repair " "Fran?" "Nay?" "Bar ..." "So, this is how I find you, in another man's kitchen." " I'm getting paid." "There's a word for that." "Yeah, Barry, it's called caterer." " Oh, yeah, her big career." "You, don't know what it used to be like." "I got it every night." "All right, all right." "That's more than I needed to hear about my brother-in-law." "My wife is serving it up to half of Long Island, and I'm going hungry." "Buzz off." " All right." "You're talking." "This is good." " Shut up." "All right." "They're going into the backers' audition." "This is bad." "Act I. Curtain." "It's a gorgeous ballad sung by Niles ..." "Niles Butler, Niles DeButler." "Ladies and Gentlemen ..." "Once in every man's lifetime, mystery and magic abound." "Destiny finds and shows him   true love has been found." "I never should have married you." " Once in a man's lifetime romance and ..." "I don't ask for much -- pizza, a turkey once in a while ..." "I'm sick of feeding your face, Barry." "What do I care?" "You know, shut up." "Mr. Sheffield's out there with a bunch of rich people trying to shake them down." "It's as pure and as simple as learning to follow your heart   Oh, once in a lifetime ..." " Don't worry, Maxwell, I'll handle this quietly." "Nanny Fine!" "... that once in a lifetime feeling has come over me." "That once in a life time feeling has come over me ..." "Miss Fine, I am beyond words." "This is the most outrageous horrific unconscionable display." "I thought you said you were beyond words." "Here, Maxwell, go for it." "Club her big-haired head." "C.C., rich people out there." "Don't let them leave." "Got ya." "Excuse me, sir." "How do you think it went?" "Didn't you notice Larry, Moe, and Curly going on in the background?" "Well, yes." "But how was I?" "You were terrific, old man." "We'll call you. / Yes." "So this is the guy you're cooking for now?" "Barry Cooperman." "How's it hanging?" "Maxwell Sheffield." "Not well." "Has he got an appetite as big as mine?" "No ones is, Barry." "He's gotta have it four or five times a day." "No, kidding." "Boy, he's satisfied with just two poached eggs and a piece of toast." "That's it?" " Yeah." "Then he just rolls over and goes to sleep." "Barry, don't be jealous because she's dishing it out to other men." "There's plenty left over for you." "And you, Nay, you want your man back, you gotta put it out for him -- breakfast, lunch, and dinner." "And I miss my midnight snacks." "Oh, Barry, I've been neglecting you." "From now on you'll get it any time you want right there on the kitchen table." "Speaking of food, which I hope to God we're speaking of, could we get some out there?" "Of course, Mr. Sheffield, everything but my pate." "That's for my husband." "Oh ..." "Baby, that is good." "Ohhhh ..." "I just gotta get a few things out of my room." "My room, Nay." "Maxwell, you're never going to believe this." "First, they hated Niles' song -- I get to tell him." "Second, they loved that whole comedy thing going on in the background." "They are throwing money at us." "You better get out there." "Well!" " You were saying?" "I better get out there." "Oh, I'm the greatest star," "I am by far -- raise my pay, start today." "But no one knows -- here ..." "Ma, you're never going to believe this." "Nadine walked herself into Mr. Sheffield's bedroom in a flimsy negligee carrying a roast rack of lamb." "What do you mean why didn't I think of that first?" "No." "That's not why I'm not married." "How's my hand?" "Lousy, Ma, lousy."