""melissa and joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience." " Mel." " Joe." "( door closes )" "Austin?" "Joe." "Can somebody say something?" "It feels like we've been" "Standing here for six months." "Well, he-- that is to say, austin, 'cause he has a name, stopped over." "Well, it's a little more than that." "Yeah yeah." "I'm getting there." "Austin has reevaluated his previously stated position vis-a-vis" "Okay, I'm not getting anywhere with her," "So I'm gonna move onto you." "Austin, what the hell are you doing here?" "Well, not that it's any of your business, joe," "But I made a doctor's appointment to get my tubes untied." "I'm clearing the pipes," "Reloading the torpedo." "You know, you could have just said "vasectomy reversal"" "And saved me the imagery." "And I came by to share the news with mel." "She and I are gonna give it a go." "The usual go, you know, like between a man and a woman go." "Oh yeah, I'm familiar with that kind of go." "I just recently went there myself." "( theme music playing )" " â™ª it's all good - â™ª all good" " â™ª it's okay - â™ª okay" " â™ª it's all right - â™ª all right â™ª as far as I can see" " â™ª it's all good - â™ª all good" " â™ª it's okay - â™ª okay" " â™ª it's all right - â™ª all right â™ª I guess you're stuck â™ª with me." "So three weeks from today" "After my appointment with dr." "Scott suzuki," "And several ice packs," "There'll be nothing standing in the way of me and mel." "Oh, I think there might be something standing in the way." "Uh, joe, you and I can talk about this later." "Really, 'cause last time I tried to talk to you," "You ran full speed to an airport." "You have such a great memory." "That was this morning." "Was it, now?" "Is there something going on here that I'm missing?" " No." " Yes." "Uh, last night, joe and I engaged" "In a very heated discussion." "Discussion?" "Seriously?" "A very heated personal discussion." "Which meant a lot to me." "What were you talking about?" ""game of thrones."" "And whether or not it's really all that good a show." "You know?" "Joe was taking one position," "I was taking another." "There were a lot of different positions taken, actually." "Boy, you know, my mom and I had the same back and forth last night." "I bet you didn't." "Um, joe, I know that you think" "Last night our talk was significant" "Well, we never "talked" like that before." "And while it was very nice," "Knowing we will always have that wonderful talk." "Wow, you guys clearly went a lot deeper than my mom and I did." "So that's what you decided?" "You and austin?" "Uh-huh." "Well then, good luck to both of you." "He seems really caught up in "game of thrones."" "Don't get him started on "downton abbey."" "Stop hogging the window." "Come on, I want to see the happy couple." "Fine." "Go ahead." "That's austin." "What'd you do?" "You're getting back together with austin?" "I'm not saying we're getting married," "But we're giving this thing a shot." "There was only one problem with austin" "And he's getting that fixed." "Uh, how does he fix not being joe?" "No no no no no." "With joe there are problems all the time." "You see how we get along." "We're a mess." "And it's because of him." "Everybody knows I'm great." "What about what happened in new jersey?" "That was with her, okay?" "She's the one to blame for all this." "You're blaming a bra?" "A double-h bra." "You're just using austin so you don't have to deal with your feelings for joe." "You're afraid." "Trust me, okay?" "What I'm doing is the best thing for joe." "Because I would make him miserable." "But you just said you were "so great."" "Okay, if you're gonna listen to everything I say," "We cannot have a conversation." "You're selfish and egotistical." "He's egotistical and selfish." "You were made for each other." "Yeah, made to make each other crazy." " Crazy in love." " Stop doing that." "If you're really serious about austin," "You owe joe an explanation." "( groans )" "Where's the other little girl with horns and a pitchfork" "Who's supposed to be on this shoulder?" "How come she never tells me what to do?" "Because you're already doing it." "Oh, that makes sense." "Joe, you and I need to have a discussion." "A discussion, huh?" "A real discussion." "You know, with our clothes on." "Look, I know you weren't expecting to see austin here tonight." "Neither was I." "But sometimes fate takes over" "And puts you in front of the person you were meant to be with." "I thought that's what happened with you and me in jersey." "No no no no." "That was totally different." "Sometimes fate makes mistakes." "Sometimes people talk out of their ass." "Look, mel, deep down underneath" "When you peel away all the denial," "What I want is there not to be any awkwardness between us." "You got back together with your ex" "The day after sleeping with me." "How could that be awkward?" "Well, with time" "Maybe everything could go back to the way it used to be around here." "You know, you're part of the family." "So let me get this straight." "In your world," "I stay here working, cooking the meals," "Stacking the laundry, doing the kid duties" "While you and austin live happily ever after" "Upstairs in your bedroom?" "With his newly loaded torpedo." "How can I say "no" to that?" "No." "Well yeah, the upstairs stuff might be a little different, granted." "But I'd still come down to the kitchen every day" "And say "longo, you're doing that wrong,"" "And you'd say "butt out, burke." "I'm doing it right."" "You know, we'd still be, you know, us." "But with a little bit of austin." "That's not really a tricycle I want to ride on." " Mel, what happened in jersey-- - wasn't real!" "Maybe not for you." "You know what?" "You made up your mind," "So you're on your own." "What do you mean?" "I quit." "I can't work here anymore." "Wh-- ( sighs )" "Okay, don't go making on of your hotheaded joe decisions." "Oh, excuse me for not getting giddy" "After you dump me." "We had one very sweet wonderful night together." "That you never want to talk about ever again." "That's a clear dump." "Anybody could see that." "I can see it." "That was a full-on dump, aunt mel." "And yes, the whole time." "And every word." "I missed the first minute or two," "But, you know, I got the gist." "Tell joe he can't quit." "I'm not gonna do that." "Yeah, why would he stay?" "Because we need him for so many things." "Yeah, for example, what if one of us," "Let's say you," "Makes a terrible decision in her personal life" "And joe won't be here to point it out" "So others will have to." "You're making a terrible decision!" "Lennox, show a little respect for your aunt, all right?" "You're not gonna make her do something she doesn't want to do." "So that's why I'm moving out." "That's why I'm separating all the cookware" "Between what's yours and what's mine." "I'm done." "All right, look." "What's happening here affects all four of us," "And we're all here right now," "So let's have a family meeting." "Excellent idea, lennox." "Joe, just hear us out." "Come on, you owe us at least that." "Nothing's more important than this." "( cellphone rings )" "It's austin." "I mean, it's austin, whatever." "Just go ahead and take it, mel." " Really?" " Sure." "The most important thing can wait." "Hey, honey." "Not a darn thing." "You see?" "She's made up her mind." "Oh, don't give me that." "This is your fault, longo." "It's the dumped guy's fault?" "Oh, stop playing the victim." "Did you ever tell her you love her?" " I was going to." " Oh, going to." "Big man." "The other guy was standing right there." "You don't do that, all right?" "Hey, ryder, you're a guy." "Jump in here." "Help me out." "Explain it to her." "All right, lennox, look." "I will post your browsing history." "You know what?" "Sorry, joe, you're on your own on this one." "You and aunt mel are right for each other." "For two people to be right for each other," "They both have to know it." "How can you look at her now and feel nothing?" "Who said I feel nothing?" "Well you're not doing anything." "So, what, you're just gonna give up?" "Hey, I didn't give up, all right?" "She gave up." "She gave up on a great thing." "You know I'm talking about me, right?" "Pretty healthy ego for a guy who just got dumped." "Wow, the women in this house are so cold." "So you know, when I move out things are gonna be a little different around here." "It'll be hell." "We'll starve." "It'll end in cannibalism." "You're all skin and bones, man." "You'll be the last one to go." "I'm never gonna let that happen, okay?" "That's why I'm leaving you a starter selection" "Of quality cookware." " Should I get lennox?" " We know the deal." "In this house, men do the cooking." "That's why I'm gonna give you something all guys should have." "A top quality non-stick sautee pan." "This thing right here is the workhorse of any good kitchen." " Should I be taking notes?" " No, it's okay." "I'm gonna be saying everything like 18 times." "Good, that's about when it sinks in." "So look, it all begins, okay?" "Olive oil, onions and garlic." "Now, I am convinced if anything were to civilization," "As long as we have olive oil, onions, and garlic," "We could rebuild in like a month." "Oh, hello." "I'm on my way out." "In a more general sense, of course." "I'm not here officially working." "I'm just teaching the kid the ropes." "Oh, that's very sweet of you." "Hey, aunt mel, you know it all starts" "Right here, right?" "With olive oil," "Onions, and, uh..." "And something." "Well, I'm going to the symphony tonight with a friend." "Okay, obviously it's austin." "I don't know why I didn't just say that." "I don't have to make excuses." "See?" "This isn't weird." "Bye." "You look nice." "What?" "I just said you look nice," "That's all." "Can't someone give someone else" "Some deep underlying meaning and a bunch of layers under it?" "It was just a simple "you look nice."" "It's no big deal." "Right." "No big deal." "Hey, what are you doing?" "You're chopping it way too big." "What are you trying to feed a family of bears?" "Oh, you know what?" "And one more thing." "I need to teach you how to change a fuse." "You remember where the fuse box is, right?" "Could you maybe refresh my memory?" "Metal panel?" "Yea by yea?" "Garlic!" "Hey, that's the third one." "You're gonna be okay, kid." "Pork tenderloin with a lemon mustard glaze." "You know the difference between a glaze and a sauce?" "'cause, uh, ( clicks tongue ) I do." "Can I offer you a slice?" "Did you ever make this before?" " Nope." " Then I'm gonna wait for you to eat it first" "And see if you die." "Your loss." "( sighs )" "Oh my god." "I think I just had a pork-gasm." "I am definitely not eating it now." "If you don't speak up, I'm gonna eat this whole thing." "Go for it." "Pork out." "( knocking on door )" "Hey, ryder, lennox," "My two favorite..." "Relatives of my girlfriend." "Austin..." "Not sure what to call you." " Pork?" " Seems like an odd nickname," "But okay." "Anyway, big dinner later with your aunt." "Big dinner." "Oh, on that subject, can I talk to you?" "I need your help with something." "Me help you?" "( nervous chuckle )" "Okay." "Engagement?" "I want tonight to go just right." "But you just showed up two days ago." "You haven't even been to that doctor" "Who's gonna fix your private parts." "Apparently not that  private." "Just kind of seems like you're rushing into this." "Hey, I've known mel my whole life." "I'm gonna act now before some other guy" "Figures out how amazing she is." "I booked the best table at emilio's," "So which one of these do you think she'll like?" " None of them." " What?" "Oh, come on, they're diamonds." "You don't know how she feels about the diamond trade?" "Oh, it's like this big political thing with her." "Yeah, those are like shiny little landmines." "Just "boom boom boom!"" "Really?" "I" "You want my advice?" "Just go home right now" "And rethink the whole thing." "Hurry." "Run." "Oh, good, austin." "Hey, are these earrings okay for the restaurant tonight?" "Perfect." "What are they, cubic zirconia?" "Are you kidding?" "Ice ice, baby." "Momma loves her diamonds." "Ohh." "Really?" "( chuckles )" "Funny diamond joke." "All right, who's ready to take me to dinner?" "You know, you still haven't told me yet where we're going." "It's a surprise." "Oh, well, I like surprises." "Surprise!" "He's the wrong guy." "Right now austin's taking aunt mel out to dinner" "And he can't miss." "He has three rings." "Who does that?" "The circus." "I feel awful." "Because we know he's not the right guy for her." "No, my stomach." "I think it's the pork." "Then stop eating it." "Oh, but it's so good." "Dude, it's pink in the middle." "It's not cooked enough." "You didn't kill the bacteria," "You just pissed them off." "It really hurts." "Well, it's your own damn fault." "All right, if you feel like you're gonna vomit," "Swallow it 'cause aunt mel loves that couch." "Hey, what happened to this kitchen?" "Look at this." "There's open containers everywhere." "It's a disaster." "There's a ton of dishes in the sink." "I mean-- are you kidding me?" "The kid used pork for a beef tenderloin recipe?" "Why do I let myself care so much?" "Okay, forget that." "Right now, austin's taking mel to dinner," "And he's going to propose to her." "So what are you gonna do about it?" "I'll tell you what I'm not gonna do about it." "I'm not gonna clean this kitchen up, all right?" "Your brother's gonna get in here and clean it up." "He's got to learn how to wash a couple of pots!" "'cause that's what's important." "You can't just let austin do this." "There's nothing I can do, all right?" "She's already made up her mind." "I have my pride." "Oh, get over yourself." "Do you really want her to marry austin?" "No, of course I don't." "But" "Get down there and tell her you love her," "Otherwise aunt mel's gonna wind up with the wrong guy," "And when you die, they'll write on your gravestone:" ""here lies joe." "He died sad and alone, but he had his pride." "So there's that."" "Okay." "Okay." "All right." "I'm gonna do it." " Where did he take her?" " Emilio's." "Emi-- ( scoffs )" "Southern italian?" "The guy's got no taste." "No, I'm just making sure you don't chicken out." "Hey, I do not chicken out." "Good, anger." "Use that." "( groans )" "What's the matter with him?" "Nothing." "Bad pork." "He'll puke." "He'll feel better." "Ryder's life is very simple." "No, I don't feel sick really." "It just hurts." " Where does it hurt?" " In his pork stuffed area." " Now go." " Right here." "Okay, joe, would you please just go already?" "Will you stop, please?" "I'm not leaving him like this." "Look at me." "He looks terrible." "He always looks terrible." "Now would you just go?" "But when we were 10 years old and playing "a-team"" "In the backyard, and my sister meredith" "Had to judge which one of us would be better at being mr." "T," "And who would say "I pity the fool."" "Well, afterwards, meredith told me" "( mockingly ) "you love austin."" " What did you say?" " I punched her." " Why?" " I was mr." "T." "That's what he would do." "And I was wearing a lot of rings" " So it really hurt." " Ahh." "Mel, can I ask you something?" "What do you think your sister would say" "If she were here right now?" ""I just escaped from jail." "Hide me."" "I think she would give me that smug" "Smile of hers and say." ""see, melly?" "Big sisters always know better."" "And then I'd have to punch her again." "( both chuckle )" "Does it hurt when I touch right here." "( winces, groans )" "See, he's fine." "Now would you just get down to that restaurant" "And stop that proposal?" "Every minute counts." "I don't think it's a stomach ache, lennox." "Will you stop eating?" "!" "I hope you don't mind." "I ordered you dessert." "No, I like a man who takes charge." "Well, not really." "I just like getting dessert." "( cellphone rings )" "I'm sorry, it just keeps ringing." "It's just usually work." "I'll turn it off." "Ooh, that one looks really good." "No no no no." "The strawberry one's for you." "It's much much better." "Well then why'd you get the chocolate one?" "So then I'd know which one was yours." "Austin, are you okay?" "Just a little tense." "Nothing a good parfait won't cure." "You put a lot of faith in dessert." "We are very compatible." "I'm so sorry to interrupt." "Miss burke, your niece has been trying to reach you." " She says it's urgent." " Okay." "Lennox, honey, what's the matter?" "Really?" "Is he okay?" "Of course." "I'm on my way." "What are you doing?" "Joe took ryder to the hospital." " He's going into surgery." " So he's okay." "I hope." "I'll find out when I get there." "No, please." "After the parfait." "Just eat the parfait." "Austin, I really don't care about the parfait right now." "My nephew's in the hospital." "I need to be there." "There, there, see?" "Look, it's a ring." "This is why you had to get the strawberry parfait." "Now could you just please sit down so I can propose to you." "Wow." "I can't believe this is happening." "I have to go." "Really?" "Come on, ryder is in surgery." "He'll be there for like two hours." "What can you do that the doctors can't?" "And besides, joe's there." "Let's sit." "I'm going to the hospital." "( exhales ) okay, fine." "Do you want me to go with you?" "No." "Joe's there." "Lennox." "Ryder's with the doctors." "Joe's in there with him." "He convinced the head of the department to do ryder's surgery." "He wouldn't take no for an answer." "Using his obnoxious powers for good." "Glad he's on our side." "Now I have some questions." "What happened at dinner?" "I don't see any bad decisions" "You knew austin was proposing?" "Yes." "And I told joe, and he was on his way" "Down there to stop it, but then stupid ryder" "By deviously bursting his appendix?" "Yeah." "Big whiner." "Not everything's about you, ryder." "All I did was ask the doctors" "If they all went to medical school in this country." "How is that hostile?" "!" "How is that hostile?" "Huh?" "Good." "All right, so look, ryder's in surgery right now." "It should be smooth sailing." "I didn't have a lot of time," "But I think I put together a very good surgical team." "The anesthesiologist is like number one on yelp." "He should be out of there in like 45 minutes, tops." "Although I told them not to rush!" " Joe." " Yeah?" "I love you." "Cool." "So look, ryder's gonna be in the hospital" "Like two days," "So you can take the first night," " It doesn't matter to me." " Joe, did you hear me?" "Yeah, you just said you love me." "You want to hear something funny?" "Ryder thought this was all about the pork." "But everybody knows pork doesn't cause that kind of" " Oh, you drive me nuts!" " You drive me nuts too," "But we're really not talking about that right now." "Austin wanted me to marry him," " And I said no." " That's a smart move." "I never thought he was right for you." "Like you know what's right for me?" "No." "But you know, when am I wrong?" "Sometimes I just want to strangle you." "Oh, would you two just stop talking and kiss?" "!" "See?" "That works." "Yeah, because when we're kissing, you're not talking." "Well, I" "The doctor says ryder's doing great," "But he'll wake up in a lot of pain." "Okay, well, I'll take the first night here." "No no no." "You've dealt with everything else." "I should do the first night." "Let's be honest." "No one's gonna be leaving here tonight." "So the question of the evening is" "Unidentified meat," "Or unidentified meat with cheese?" " The machine have any wine?" " It's a hospital." "Okay, morphine, codeine, something?" "We're really gonna give you and me a go, huh?" "We are." "Well, in that case..." "I think it calls for a little celebration." "Ooh." "Look who snuck down to the all-night mini mart" "Oh, you know, sometimes I don't want to strangle you." "Why would you want to kill the best guy you've ever been with?" "And then suddenly I do again."