"Can you hear that?" " I can't hear anything." " exactly." " I told you it wouId be different." " City life." " Seen it, done it, bought the T-shirt." " You won't get bored with a life of fresh air and bird-watching and jam-making?" "Not with you by my side, Joyce HazIedine." "Ah." "Three-nine-nine-eight-five?" "You got yourself a bargain, Joyce." "Pam Draper." "welcome to little Stempington." "Oh, sorry." "How d'you know about us?" "health club database." "You're down as potential new members, Joyce." "It's like a tardis in here." " Ah, one of the natives at last." " Pam Draper." "pleased to meet you." "There's some olive tapenade, walnut bread, few organic eggs." " I'm really touched." " You'd never get this in the metropolis." "And I imagine you'II find policing a place like little Stempington a Iot easier, too, once you get started." "Ah, very observant." "Excuse me." "hello." "That's a strong grip." "You must be Joyce's personal trainer." "You ladies of little Stempington are a friendly lot, aren't you?" "hello, Joyce." "hilary Davenport." "welcome to little Stempington." " We've done that bit, hilary." " Oh, Pam." "What a nice surprise." "As I was saying, you were lucky to get one on the south-facing side of the close." " They go quicker than The mail On Sunday." " Any chance of using the little girls' room?" "Oh, er, top of the stairs, first right." "Mind if I come, too, hilly, love?" " What are you doing here, Pam?" " Just welcoming the new girl." "Oh, I thought you had Weight Watchers on Tuesday morning." "And to think, you were worried about making friends." "Oh!" "Uh." "There just seems to be so much more community spirit here." " Everything OK up there, ladies?" " (Choking) Fine, thanks, Jerry." " Joyce won't be joining you." " CamiIIa says otherwise." "I don't give a fuck what your handler thinks." "So take your basket of shit and go back to your kennel." " Likewise." " Oh!" "Now, if any of your crew so much as fart in the same room as Joyce, we'II turn the lot of you into organic mince." "Nice big airing cupboard you've got up there." "Is Pam OK?" "pelvic floor gave up the ghost after baby number five." "Didn't manage to make it to the bathroom." " Oh." " Sends her apologies." "Oh, you poor love." "I know how fond you are of that trouser suit." "Margaret." "I thought I couId show you round little Stempington." "I haven't really started unpacking." "There's someone I'm dying for you to meet." " What about supper?" " Don't worry about me." "I'II have a fiddle in the shed." "We'II get a takeaway later." "He's weII-buiIt, your Jeremy." "Bet things can get quite rough when you two play hunt the hairy hot dog." "Joyce, at last." "camilla Diamond." "LiIIian Gordon-Moore." "I Iike your sweater, Joyce." " Oh." " I'm fond of cats myself." "The Wicker Barn, lillian." "Pronto." "The old town was built in 1647 and I think some of the residents can remember back that far." " Oh, the cricket green looks lovely." " Ah, yes." "My husband Stuart plays." "He's a very aggressive bowler but very frisky afterwards." "You can get everything you need from this one parade of shops." "shirley Thompson flowers." "Bit low rent." "Uses her own excrement to fertilise the pot plants but I can get you a discount on everything except shrubs." "And what have we here?" "Ah, yes." "The Wicker Barn." "Mm." "Used to sell gorgeous, hessian pIacemats." " till it tragically burnt down." " It looks fine to me." "hold this and press that little red button, would you, Joyce?" "Looks like they're closing early tonight." "Next time you miss a payment, ladies, we'II bury you alive in matching wicker coffins." "Am I dreaming this?" "What do you think, hilary?" "Is Joyce dreaming?" "Were you on the receiving end of cunnilingus from Robert KiIroy silk, Joyce?" "You...you just blew up The Wicker Barn." "technically, Joyce, it was actually you who blew it up." "I, I..." "That's it, Joyce." "Let it all out." "Those women could have been killed." "Goodness me, no." "LiIIian can blow the door off a Smeg fridge without so much as damaging an organic vine tomato." "Why?" "Why did you do it?" "Let me ask you a simple question, Joyce." "Why did you move to little Stempington?" "Jeremy was posted here and, can't quite believe I'm saying this now, but..." "Yes?" "When we came to look around, I fell in love with the place." "Oh." "Because it's clean?" "Because there's no graffiti?" "Because there are no delinquent teenagers sniffing toilet Duck in the arcade?" "And how d'you think it stays that way?" "Ooh, hello, Wendy, love." "Is that a My little Pony lunch box?" "Pop in the back and sit next to Auntie MiIIie, darling." "You see, now your fingerprints are all over this little box, Joyce, you're the prime..." "No, you're the only suspect in that nasty little business back at The Wicker Barn." "This is ridiculous." "Oh, gosh, you don't want Jeremy's first day in the job to involve sending you to the cIick-cIink for the next ten years, do you?" "I wouldn't want to be separated from my husband if he had buns like that." " Why are you doing this to me?" " That's not important." "What is important, however, is that you tell no one." "That was the mistake that Jeremy's predecessor made." "I'II be in touch." " Nice bunch?" " Mm." "(Man on radio) A suspected gas explosion wrought havoc in Little Stempington." "No one was hurt in The Wicker Barn but fire officers are counting occupants lucky." "Got a space for you right here, Mrs HazIedine." "How do you know my name?" "And isn't that a disabled parking space?" "Don't you worry about them." "Most of them are faking it, especially the ones in shopping scooters." "I make 'em park round the back." "Do that again and I'II piss in your petrol tank!" "Nobody hoots at Mrs HazIedine, you fucking fuck." "Now take your ration book and fuck off home!" "It's quite all right." "I am holding up the traffic." "Under control, Mrs HazIedine." "When you've finished, give me a shout and I'II have someone load your car." "Good morning, Mrs HazIedine." "Peter Astbury, store manager." "And this is douglas, your personal shopper for today." "That'II be £8.50, please, Mrs HazIedine." "There must be some mistake." "Oh, er, I'm sorry, er, that's er, 5... £4.20." "Just £4." "I'm very sorry." "There's about £70 worth of shopping here." "Very reasonable in here, don't you think, Joyce?" "Are you all right?" "Oh, I thought I'd walk to the supermarket today for a change and somehow twisted my ankle." " It looks nasty." " I'II be fine." "I only live about four miles away." "Four miles?" "You can't walk on that." "Let me drive you." "Oh." "I couldn't impose." "Ooh!" "Ooh." "well, maybe some of the way if it's not too much trouble." " Come on." " Oh, how kind." "Barbara." "Barbara du Prez." "Joyce HazIedine." "pleased to meet you, Joyce." "I know most of the faces around here but yours doesn't look very familiar." " We've only just moved here." " Ah." "How do you find little Stempington?" "Oh, you know." "Doesn't sound like you're enamoured yet." " Not exactly." " I felt exactly the same before HRT." "No, no, you don't understand." "Oh, you poor dear." "Sorry." "I don't usually burst into tears in front of perfect strangers." "Don't mind me, Joyce." "I've worked the Samaritans' Christmas bazaar." "I know misery loves company." "I just feel so alone." "Listen, I was actually on my way to a coffee morning." "A really nice crowd." "Why don't you come along?" "Thank you." "well, well, if it isn't Miss marple herself." "I thought I couId smell cat piss." "Looks like we're going to have to up the ante." " DeIphiniums are looking good, Margaret." " Thanks, Barb." "This way, Joyce." "Come along." "Quiet as you can." "Baby asleep upstairs." " Joyce, hi." " Pam." " Oh, my God." "What happened?" " Oh, yoga." "You left so quickly the other day." "Is everything..." "OK?" "Erm, fine." "you could fit a whole salmon into this one." "I Iove the coIour-coordinated Iids." "I think we've got just the thing for you in here, Joyce." "Beretta nine-miIIimetre." "Good, solid pistol." "Squeeze off a full clip and you can stop a Fiat Panda at 50 yards." " feel it." "This can't be happening to me." "Better put the kettle on, Pam." "And bring in one of Margaret's home-made Swiss logs." "Joyce needs a sugar infusion." "Have a sip of tea, Joyce." " Is camilla here?" " That bitch?" "That's enough, Pam." "I can imagine some of the things you're thinking, Joyce." "To an outsider, all this must seem pretty strange." "But before you judge us, there are some things you should know." "Once upon a time, there was a woman who was kind and courteous to everyone." "But there was one person of whom she was especially fond." "Me." "Between them, the two friends saw the good in everyone until one day, when something very, very bad happened." "It was a horrific experience." "But bizarrely, the two friends discovered that what doesn't kill you sometimes makes you stronger." "So they made a pact that they would do their best to ensure the streets of Little Stempington would never again be the target of lowlife lawbreaking scum." "And once they started, they realised they actually quite enjoyed it." "So they did it again and again." "But then it all went wrong." "Camilla got greedy and she wasn't the only one." "She crossed over to the dark side, taking Hilary and Lillian with her." "And ever since then, it's been our mission to stop her." "Good can't live in the same town as evil, Joyce." " well, why don't you go to the police?" " CamiIIa got there first." "Jeremy said he died in a car crash." "When he suddenly developed a conscience," "camilla arranged a little road accident." " Once she's got you she's got Jeremy." "Once he's got him, she's got all of little Stempington." " Does the whole town know about this?" " No." "But those who do are too frightened to talk." "I haven't told you about The Wicker Barn." "God's sake, get down, Joyce." "Ah!" "Oh, God, I'm sorry." "I'm pissing blood all over Margaret's new rug." " It's Scotchgard protected." " Better answer that, Joyce." "You might want to move the Panda, Joyce." "We've decided to issue a little warning." "You could help us take her down, Joyce." " How?" " We've never had anyone on the inside." "Think about it." "That's all I ask." " You should go now." "(Pam) Welcome to Little Stempington." "(Hilary) Hello, Joyce." " ..someone I'm dying for you to meet." "Joyce, at last." "Hold this and press that little red button, would you, Joyce?" "You're the only suspect in that nasty little business back at The Wicker Barn." "(Hilary) I wouldn't want to be separated from my husband if he had buns like that." "(Camilla) You don't want Jeremy's first day in the job to involve sending you to the click-clink for the next ten years, do you...do you...do you?" " They made me do it." " Too late for excuses, Joyce." "darling, please." "I'm afraid..." "I'm gonna have to take you straight upstairs for questioning." "This place is gonna be so good for us."