"Is that you?" "Aye, that's me." "Is that you?" "Eh?" "Give me one more minute, Jack." "Right, darling." "I'll call John, see how he is." "I meant to say - me and Jack are away to see about a motor today." "I know!" "Can you believe that?" "I might be getting back on the road!" "Anyway..." "Be up to see you again the first of next month." "Eh?" "I love you too." "You're a creepy bastard!" "How?" "Talking to Betty like that as if she was still alive." "What's wrang with that?" "You're the creepy bastard!" "How's that?" "Standing there, silent..." ""Oh, look at me mourning!"" "Better than talking to the bloody deid!" "Leaving a gap like she'll answer, like she's still here!" "She is still here - in my heart." "Birthday card pish!" "Ignore him, my sweet!" "We'll soon be together." "Jesus!" "What's that?" "Well put!" "Yes, he is an arsehole!" "Shut up!" "What's wrong with you?" "This is how it's gonnae be!" "Me and my beloved lying out together." "Aye, two old skeletons hauding their bony hands together, wedding rings hanging aff scraggy knuckles!" "Comes tae us all!" "Have a lie-down!" "Enjoy the view!" "What view?" "You'll be deid!" "You'll see hee-haw!" "Your eye sockets'll be full of beasties!" "I'm only winding you up." "Well..." "Come on." "Cheeribye, Betty, my darling." "Don't call me an arsehole, Betty!" "Whit floor is it?" "9 - same as Manky Frankie." "Right." "What will you offer for the car?" "She says £250... so...£100." "Eh?" "Ach, away ye go, ya tightwad!" "£100's a lot of money to a widow!" "Aye, in 1940, maybe!" "It's an insult!" "Insult, nothing!" "Her man's been deid a fortnight." "Her held'll be up her arse!" "Aye?" "Aye." ""Oh, oh, oh, my man's away!" ""£100?" "Aye, I'll take it, cos I'm a widow and I've gone stupid!" "Thank you!"" "She's no' in." "Do you know when she'll be back?" "No." "There was a note in Navid's saying she was selling her man's car." "That's a good motor, that!" " I might buy that off her myself." " That's a rare idea, Frankie." "Then you could take it apart and leave all the wee bits lying about, ya manky bastard!" " What was that?" " Nothing!" "Whit ye daeing, spitting at me?" "Shut up!" "Here, you!" "Did I get grogger on ye?" "Aye, ye did!" "Sorry." "This is murder!" "20 minutes!" "Do you want to get a taxi?" "No." "Too dear!" "It's freezing, eh, Ma?" "Oh, aye, Martin." "Cannae wait to get up the road." "Neither can I, Martin." "Have some soup, eh?" "Cuppa tea and some snowballs." "I didnae get snowballs, Martin." "Nae snowballs?" "Nuh." "Ya stupid old cow!" "You've got an Empire biscuit!" "I don't want an Empire biscuit!" "I want a snowball!" "Taxi!" "Maybe if you have a jobby, Martin, yer maw can wipe your arse, Martin!" "Bobby!" "Her man died and left her the car, but it's nae good to her - she cannae drive." "Can't let a bargain like that pass." "Tam, what are you staring at that fruit machine for?" "70p in the pound it's got to pay out." "And what?" "Bluto here's put in £30 and it's no' farted a nugget!" "You're like a vulture waiting on that paying out!" "Yes!" "Some man!" "Unbelievable!" "There you are, Winston." "Thanks, Bobby." "Am I no' getting a pint?" "No, get yer ain pint!" "When did you last buy me a pint?" "When did you last buy a pint?" "!" "I bought a pint...before." "Well, let's see you repeat the feat!" "A pint of lager, Bobby!" "Bastarding machine!" "That's my cue!" "Get Winston a pint, Eric." "Bobby..." "Well?" "Oh, aye, aye, it's minted." "I'll tell you this an' all - it's only done 30,000 miles." "I'm getting in here, Jack!" "Oh-oh..." "Incoming." "Hello there, sweetheart." "We're very sorry to hear about Danny." "Aye, well, he had a good innings." "He did, aye." "Aye." "Danny's motor." "What do you need for it?" "I'll gie you £100, hen." "I was thinking more £250." "Point taken. £105." "£150!" "£150?" "Well, I suppose it's better than £105!" "What'll I bid, Jack?" "Calm your jets!" "This is what's known as middling." "£175." "Oh!" "£175!" "Slow down!" "Is that the best offer?" "£175?" "Oh, well, then... £200!" "£225!" "Jesus, Jack!" "I'm no' gonna get this!" "Relax!" "I am now going to nobble the opposition!" "You don't want to sell to him." "How no'?" "Well, Danny looked after that car." "Aye." "He'll no' look after it." "He'll strip it down and be hawking off the spare parts!" "Victor, on the other hand, will look after it." "That's what Danny would have wanted." "Listen, son... it disnae matter what Danny wants." "Danny's deid and I want new carpets!" "Any advance on £225?" "£230. £250!" "Now we're cooking wi' gas!" "£275. £280. £285." "£290!" "Whit are ye daeing?" "I want that car, Jack!" "I'm no' letting thae arseholes get it!" "You're going in too heavy!" "I know what I'm daeing!" "£300's my top end - £300." "If it gets that high, I'll bail out." "It'll no' come to that!" "£290, then?" "£300!" "£305!" "£310!" "£315!" "£320!" "£325!" "£330!" "£340!" "£350!" "£360!" "£375!" "£395!" "Bastard!" "I'm done!" "£395 - and a refillable lighter!" "£400!" "Done!" "That was smashing!" "Get it right up ye!" "And you an' all!" "Skinny bastard!" "I wanted that!" "Can I get my money!" "Course you can, my love!" "Jack... did you see the bidding frenzy there?" "Aye, ya silly bastard!" "Heat of the moment, romance of the auction, the bidding..." "You've no' got £400?" "No." "How much have you got?" "£300." "Tam!" "Frankie..." "Jack!" "Victor, I am not lending you £100." "I've got two words for you, boy - bus stop." "Eh?" "Standing in the pishing rain with all the trailer-trash rubbish, waiting and waiting...oh, but wi' a motor, Jack, a motor..." "In you get, nice and warm... comfy seat, tranny on, Radio 2!" "# Sing something simple... #" "Right." "Come on!" "Let's get a pint!" "Is that you?" "Aye, that's me." "DOORBELL Oh..." "Ho-ho!" "My carriage awaits!" "Yes, indeedy!" "Oh, dear!" "Having trouble with your transport, Frankie?" "Shut yer hole, you, or I'll shut it for ye!" "Should've got yourself a car!" "You know I wanted that motor!" "You were outbid and outclassed!" "It's a heap of shit, anyway!" "Is that right, aye?" "This sound like a piece of shit?" "VROOM-VROOM!" "You tit!" "Ya bastards!" "This is lovely." "There's a zebra crossing." "So there is, aye." "TOOT!" "Whit are ye daeing, ya maddie?" "You trying to blow us up?" "What the matter wi' ye?" "Here, Jack, is that no' a heron?" "Oh, aye." "You don't see many of them." "I used to fish out here." "Lovely, lovely area." "TOOTING" "I cannae remember the last time I'd day out like that." "It was rare!" "And I know just how to round off a perfect day like today!" "Ho-ho!" "Manky Frankie and a big dirty bastarding puddle!" "Ah, ya bastards!" "Barbers." "Not at all!" "Eh?" "But you use wee Freddie, the same as me." "He's smashing." "You never tip him?" "He's been cutting your hair 30-odd years." "Same old pish for 30 years!" ""Day off?" "Are you planning any holidays?"" "He should be tipping me, arsehole!" "Right, what about taxi drivers?" "No!" "A shower of robbing bastards, your taxi drivers!" "Never a short cut, distracting you with garbage chat!" "Wouldn't catch me in a taxi unless some other bastard was paying." " Isa?" " Aye?" " Do you tip taxi drivers?" " Aye." "There you are!" "If I'm going to the bingo and the weather's bad, I'll get one." "It's always £2.80, only one road." "I generally gie him the £3." "See?" "But if the traffic's slow, and the fare's £3.10," "I'll gie him £4 and take 50p back." "Right..." "Then again..." "Shut up or I'll phone you a taxi!" "All right!" "Come on!" "TOOT!" "Jack?" "I'll see you later." "Nice wee car, that." "Like it?" "We got it a couple of days ago." "What are you playing at?" "Quarter of an hour I've waited!" "I was talking to Eric." "Quarter of an hour?" "I'm choking!" "Take me to the Clansman!" "Right..." "What did you say there?" "Er...take us to the Clansman." "No, you said take ME to the Clansman." "Did I?" "Aye." "I meant take us to the Clansman." "No..." "I took you to the library to take your books back, then to Navid's for your tobacco, then to the dry-cleaners..." "Now it's, "Take ME to the Clansman."" "You think I'm here to drive you about!" "Wait a minute..." "You wait!" "What was all that pish with Eric? "We got it"?" "We did!" "This is my motor!" "Our car" " I put £100 towards it!" "You lent me £100!" "I'll pay it back!" "I don't want it back, Victor." "I own 25% of this car." "I'm a major shareholder to be lifted and laid." "A major sh...?" "!" "I'll lay you oot!" "Get in!" "What the hell are you daeing?" "Mair legroom in the back." "Are we going to the Clansman?" "No!" "Cos I cannae drink!" "I'll be buggered if I'm sitting there, nursing a tomato juice while you get pished!" "No' going?" "No!" "Fine!" "Take ME to the Clansman!" "You listen..." "Clansman, driver!" "BARKING" "This week, we'll be test-driving the Ferrari Testarossa, 0-60 in..." "Lot of shite!" "You don't want to miss this review!" "TV OFF" "KNOCKING I know you're in there!" "I saw the car!" "I've just walked about three mile in the pishing rain..." "Jesus!" "Cos I've nae car cos of you!" "Aye, and you soaked me yesterday!" "Anyway, I've sorted you!" "You're sorted!" "PHONE RINGS Oh!" "Victor?" "Victor?" "I'm steaming..." "Jack, good for you!" "What is it?" "I'm in the pub." "Uh-huh?" "I'm steaming." "Yes, you told me that!" "What is it?" "I wanted to say sorry." "I apologise for being a prick." "Forget it." "Is that it?" "Er... no!" "Victor, you're my best pal." "Lovely." "Good night now." "Victor?" "Yes, Jack?" "I'm gonnae come up the road." "I've not got money for a taxi." "And?" "You've to come and get me." "Get lost!" "What if I get murdered and mugged an' all?" "Tough!" "Come on!" "I'm steaming." "You're no' my chauffeur - you're my pal!" "Come on, gissa lift." "It's raining... and I'm steaming..." "Right." "Jesus!" "What a time of night to be out!" "Frankie!" "Waking me up..." "getting me oot my bed..." "Aw!" "My pal's come to get me!" "Where have you been?" "Get in!" "I'm no' in the mood for pish!" "We've to get in!" "Wait a bloody minute!" "We're going to the same place, driver..." "Victor!" "DRUNKEN LAUGHTER Sit at peace!" "This is a lovely car, Jack!" "Thanks for the lift." "Don't mention it!" "It's a good motor." "Good car, aye." "I should have a seat belt on!" "Ya dirty bugger!" "Get your hand out there!" "It's no' my hand!" "Sorry about that!" "What the bloody hell's that smell?" "Fish supper." "Gissa chip." "Want a bit?" "Don't open that in this car!" "Here, take a chip!" "Oh!" "You!" "Dropped my fish." "Pick it up, Tam!" "Watch!" "I've got it..." "No, it's all broke up." "Christ!" "Keep the bloody noise down!" "Victor came and got us!" "You're taking a liberty, stinking out his car!" "God's sake!" "No!" "Jesus!" "CRASH!" "Have we hit a deer or something?" "Ya clown!" "God's sake!" "Is it a dug?" "Aw, shit!" "# Hurdy-gurdy-gurdy In the window box... #" "Jesus!" "Victor..." "Jack!" "Morning." "Look at the state of you." "I'm bloody dying." "I'm too old for the bevvying." "I'm too old for the driving." "Cos of last night?" "I've come to say sorry..." "Forget last night." "I've got to get rid of this motor." "How?" "We'd a smashing time." "I know, but look." "The tax disc is up." "That's £75, insurance is £300!" "Nearly what you paid for it!" "And £32 a tank of juice!" "All that before I've bought a pint of milk!" "Aye, it's humped." "You want a hand?" "No..." "Aye!" " You OK?" " I'm fine, Navid." "How?" " You look like a badger's arse." " Night on the tiles, Navid." "Feel a bit worse for wear." "Why don't I do you a nice big breakfast?" "Big wobbly egg, nice and runny, greasy mushrooms, half-cooked Lorne with fried toast and beans, mash it all up and drink it like a milk shake?" "Stop it!" "Hack it up outside!" "Milk..." "Paracetamol an' all." "Were you out on the piss an' all?" "The two of you?" "Aye...it was some night..." "Eric threw up in Victor's new car." "The Skoda?" "That's no' much of a fanny magnet!" "Paracetamol." "Oh, you've got some." "£105." "My final offer." "You think this is Christmas?" "Piss aff!" "Ya bastard!" "Less that a week ago, you offered £395 and a lighter!" "That was before you dented the bumper." "Partly your fault!" "What do you need for the car?" "What do we need for it?" "Never mind we." "You put £100 in." "I've had £100 fun out of it." "Get your £300 back." "£300!" "No' a ha'penny less!" "Right, Tam, you heard him - £300." "Ya...!" "I've got him over a barrel!" "I'm the only bidder!" "I'll say £150." "You miserable bastard!" "Listen to me!" "This is your chance to do the right thing." "The car's worth £300!" "Gie Victor his money!" "£300." "Thanking you." "CACKLING" "Car trouble, Victor?" "It's him you want to speak to, Frankie!" "You want to see Tam's car!" "It's an absolute cracker." "£300 was all he paid for it." "Two previous owners, 30,000 miles and a full service history." "Oh, aye, and a free fridge-freezer with it!" "Shut up!" "Brassick!" "Anybody going to buy me a pint?" "No." "Got what you deserved, you tight-arsed old tit!" "Why don't you try this?" "Ask Bobby for a pint, he gies you the pint, you go into your pocket for...money!" "Bit of a madcap whacky notion." "Think it would work, Tam?" "Pint of lager, please, Bobby." "Terrible weather." "It certainly is." "Still, they say it should clear up for the weekend." "Do they?" "Yes, they do." "£1.80, please." "There you are." "Thanking you." "Going on holiday this year, barman?" "No, I'll no' get a chance to get away." "I was in Spain last year." "Done away with the peseta." "The Euro now, ain't it?" "That right." "Never even seen one." "No?" "No." "Look in your till - I just gied you two!"