"That's what you're eating for breakfast?" "Beef jerky?" "You've been chewing that piece for six minutes." "Eddie!" "What happened?" "!" "I don't know." "I was just making a Pop-Tart bagel sandwich." "The Pop-Tarts were the bread, and the bagel was the meat." "Can somebody in this family just have a normal breakfast?" "Bite of jackfruit?" "No, thank you." "That toaster was on its way out." "We need new one, anyway." "Yes!" "Are we going to Sears?" "They have the best men's fragrance section." "No, we'll just go to the bank." "They give you a free toaster when you open a new account." "But we both already have accounts." "So we'll get one of the boys a new account." "It's funny." "You never know when the moment you've been waiting for will finally arrive." "FDIC-insured, here I come." "Okay." "So, Evan, we'll open you a free-toaster checking account." "Yo, where did you get all that cash?" "I haven't bought candy in three years." "That's why you're my favorite." "I know." "S02E20 Hi, My Name Is..." "Let's do some banking." "Why do we all have to be here?" "'Cause we're a family." "We do things together." "Remember when we all went to buy your basketball?" "That was a long day." "Each one has its own signature bounce." "_" "_" "I'll be signing my first official documents." "I've been practicing all morning." "Evan." "It just flows." "I'm so glad it's my name." " It really suits you." " It does, doesn't it?" "It's perfect for me." "Which is good 'cause it was totally random." "What do you mean?" "Well, both of your brothers had "E" names, so we knew we wanted yours to start with "E," too." "We were at the hospital, and there it was on a name tag..." "Nurse Evans." "What?" "She was the nurse who delivered you." "Uh, no, she was the nurse who checked us out." "Doesn't matter..." "We know she wasn't the doctor." "Hi there." "I'm Frank." "How can I help you folks?" "We're going to be opening him a free-toaster account." "Ah, our most popular account." "Right this way." "You brought along the whole crew, huh?" "Apparently, that's how we do it, Frank." "So, what is the lucky new account holder's name?" "His name is Nurse Evans." "My name is random?" "I thought you picked "Evan" just for me." "I thought you looked into my little baby eyes and knew I was an Evan." "But I could have been anything." "It's not a big deal." "Names are meaningless." "Did I ever tell you the story of how I got my name?" "Me and my family had just moved to the U.S." "♪ Lord, I was born a ramblin' man ♪" "Your parents must be so proud." "Hi, sister." "_" "Nice robe." "_" " Whose name is that?" " _" "I decided my American name is going to be..." "Connie." "_" "Well, I'm going to keep my Chinese name." "_" "I respect your choice." "_" "I was starting my freshman year at Maryland." "Welcome to freshman orientation." "Let's go around the room, and everyone introduce themselves." "Hi, I'm Honey St. Claire." "Wait a second." "Honey, Marvin, and Deidre didn't go to college with you." "Whatever, it doesn't matter." "All white people look the same." "Hello." "I'm Chu Tsai Hsia." "Choo Tie Sa?" "Chu Tsai Hsia." "Choo Sigh Ta." "Chu Tsai Hsia." "Choo Tie Chi-ah?" " Chu..." " What does it mean?" "Colorful sunset glow." "That is beautiful." "Maybe we can call you "Glow," which everyone can pronounce." "But that's not my name." "Hey, a nickname's a great idea, though." "I don't want to brag, but I'm the official nickname giver on my lacrosse team." " That's okay." "I wanted..." " How about, uh, Mitsy?" "Koko?" "Skags?" "Moose." "Moose." "Yeah, Moose, huh?" "That guy never stopped giving me nicknames." "Skooter, Toto, Bubba." "But I wanted to keep my Chinese name." "So, how did you get the name Jessica." "Because of something that happened in one of my business classes." "So, today, we're gonna be talking about..." "Butt Juice?" "Actually, it's pronounced Butte Juice with a long "U."" "Named after the town it was produced in..." "Butte, Montana." "Looks like Butt Juice to me." "And you're making my point for me." "Butte Juice was almost a failure because outside Montana, people pronounced it wrong." "Luckily someone had the foresight to change it, and they turned the company around." "Can anyone tell me what Butte Juice became?" "Carol-Joan?" "Uh..." "Tab?" "Close." "Butte Juice became the fruit drink sensation known as..." "Geyser Mist." "Huh." "And what business principle does this illustrate?" "Honey?" "Are we in?" "Did we start?" "That's right... branding." "Now, branding is a key component..." "Excuse me?" "Professor Roberts?" "Why do you never call on me?" "Well, it's a big class." "I probably just didn't see you." "I sit in the front." "Today you called on sleepy Honey all the way in the back." "Okay, the truth is, I can't pronounce your name." "You can learn how to pronounce it." "Are you really gonna have this conversation with everyone you meet?" "With everyone who reads you résumé?" "It's my name." "People should learn how to say it." "Yes, but they probably won't." "It's like Butte Juice." "It was always delicious, but people didn't know that till it became Geyser Mist." "It was the same drink." "It just went by a different name." "That's what made it successful." "That is so funny." "I don't know about you guys, but I'd drink the heck out of some Butt Juice." "That professor was a jerk, but he had a point." "Why was I being stubborn and making it harder than it already was in a new country?" "I wasn't losing my identity." "I still had my Chinese name, but by giving myself a name that was easier for people pronounce," "I was opening the door to more opportunity." "So, can anyone tell me the benefit for above-competition pricing for a product looking to break into the marketplace?" "Yes?" "Bob?" ""Bob"?" "It was my favorite haircut." "I didn't realize it was also the most popular male name." "I changed it after a week." "You still haven't told us how you got the name Jessica." "Oh, from the Allman Brothers song "Jessica."" "You know I love country jam-rock instrumentals." "Uh, Jessica, I think if you were trying to convince Evan that names aren't a big deal, that maybe wasn't the best story." "No, it wasn't." "Deciding what name to sign is even more important than I thought." "I mean, should I use my Chinese name, Chih Fu?" "Shoo Foo?" " Chih Fu." " Seafood?" "Yes, Frank, that's my name..." "Seafood." "We don't have time for this." "My name is about to be officially entered into record." "Do I use my American nurse name or my Chinese name that will cause me endless struggle?" "Hey!" "_" "Do you know her?" "No." "O-kay." "I'm just gonna leave this form here while you decide what name you want to open the account under." ""Sure, Lauren, I'll take your shift." "Nothing much happens at the bank on a Saturday."" "I only practiced signing Evan Huang, so maybe I stick with that." "Or do I go with Chih Fu Huang?" "But cursive F's are so hard." "Dude, we're just trying to get a toaster." "So they picked the name Evan at random?" "So what?" "Eddie and Emery's names were just as random." "It's true." "I thought of Emery's name while I was filing my nails on an emery board." "I have chills." "And Eddie was named after the child villain in "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe,"" "who betrayed his siblings for some Turkish delight." "I don't know what Turkish delight is, but I'd do it again." "They're not the ones about to sign their name to their first official document for all of time." "You want to know how unimportant and random the name Louis is?" "Basically, I loved Lou Ferrigno and the Incredible Hulk." "Stay angry, Lou!" "Lou, Louis." "Simple as that." "Okay, yeah." "That does make me feel a little better." "But wait." "You hate the Incredible Hulk." " No, I don't." " Yeah, you do." "Remember?" "I was trying to buy that comic book, and you said he was the worst superhero ever because all he does is get mad." "You said, "That's not superpower." "That's a character flaw."" "Eddie, I'm just trying to make your brother feel better with a simple story of how I got my name." "Wait." "Is that not the real story?" "No." "The real story is more complicated." "It was 1981." "I just arrived in the States, and I didn't know how anything worked." "I answered a roommate ad, which is how I met your uncle Barry, who got me a job as a busboy in a diner." "Hey, Hong." "It's Huang." "Hong, Huang, it don't matter." "It is important to make clear that Barry is no one in this family's uncle." "He's a bum." "Continue." "I'm gonna give you some of Barry's secrets of the trade." "When I walk around and I see French fries uneaten and untouched, I put them in a little baggie and put them back in my bin." "When I get home, I put them on a plate with my regular food." "Mm!" "Smart." "Hey, uh, Barry?" "Who's that guy?" "He looks like a gangster." "He's a gangster, all right." "That's Louis." "He owns the aquarium." "He's what we call a fish boss." "Fish boss?" "Bloop, bloop, bloop." "Bloop, bloop, bloop." "Yeah." "What is that..." "Bloop, bloop?" "Oh, that's the bubbles coming..." " Fish, water." " I-I get it, I get it." "I get it." "He looks like he has it all figured out." "He hasn't figured out how refill his own water." "Go get him." "Uh, more water?" "Water?" "Water?" "!" "I got plenty of water, kid." "I traffic in water." "But, yeah, I'll take some water." "That guy had it together." "He even ordered cool." ""Patty melt..." "Real cheesy."" "Onions or no onions?" "Extra onions." "Emery gets it." "So, I borrowed his style." "Changing my look gave me confidence and swagger." "It made me feel like I was gonna be okay here." "How great is this?" "All you-can-eat seafood medley for $4.99." "I'm never leaving." "Does you food have a metallic aftertaste?" "I don't know." "I'm eating so fast, I can't taste it." "Would guys like some more water?" "I got plenty of water, kid." "Oh, my gosh." "I don't what I'm gonna do with myself here." "I'm in heaven." "Ugh." "This octopus po' boy is not sitting well." "I'll be back." "Apparently, the medley had taken down half the restaurant, and they only had one unisex bathroom." "I was finally on deck when I saw the prettiest girl I'd ever seen." "Uh, you, uh, eat the po' boy, too?" "And some shrimpy nuggets." "Ohh..." "You, uh, like nuggets, woman?" "I know a great nugget spot..." "Can I cut in front of you?" "Ooh, that's a big ask." "Here's an even bigger one." "You, me, nuggets, Saturday." "I think there's been a misunderstanding." "I don't like nuggets." "That's fine." "Never nuggets or no nuggets now?" "I'll give you my number." "On the way out." "Okay." "I'll be here." "What's your name?" "Louis." "I'm Jessica." "Oh..." "Jessica..." "Isn't it amazing?" "That restaurant is still open." "Shocking." "Anyway, that was the first time I ever used my name." "And now that your mom knew me as Louis," "I didn't want to be known as anything else." "Sounds like the opposite of unimportant and random to me, Louis." "_" "_" "Was that it?" "You never saw the aquarium gangster again?" "Oh, I saw him again." "I ate the shells." "What?" "!" "You're the busboy from the diner." "You copied my look." "No, I didn't." "What's your name?" "My name?" "Oh." "Louis." "That's my name." "There's only room for one Louis around here." "Look, I'm sorry, but I just told a beautiful woman with food poisoning that Louis is my name, and I'm not gonna have her think I'm a liar." "Oh." "Uh..." "Barry?" "Uh, Barry?" "Barry." "So we decided to fight for the name." "Damn, bro!" "What are those?" "Tentacles?" "Guess I didn't get all the octopus out." "That's disgusting." "And I work at an aquarium." "Well, I work in..." "Ugh!" "Ugh." "Take the name." "You can have it." "I don't want it." "Nasty." "You've always been an intense vomiter." "Remember that time you ate that entire gingerbread house?" "Those gumdrops came out like bullets." "Okay." "You decide who you are yet?" "No." "Mom chose the name Jessica, and it changed her life." "Dad chose the name Louis, and it changed his life." "What I choose today could change my life." "What if I told you there was a third option?" "Is the third option going to a store and just buying a toaster?" "So, what's the third option?" "Little bro, you can have the name your parents give you, the name the culture gives you, or the name the streets give you." "Meadowridge Lane?" "No, not the name of your street." "Your name from the streets." "Calvin Broadus became Snoop Dogg." "O'Shea Jackson became Ice Cube." "Reginald Dwight became Elton John." "That's what I'm gonna do." "When I take over multiple industries and become a business mogul," "I'm gonna earn myself a dope-ass name." "There is no world, real or imaginary, where you will ever have a face tattoo." "Topaz, your Pop-Tagel is ready." "The bagel is the meat." "Also, the President is on the line for you." "'Sup, President Shaq?" "Topaz, I'm calling to thank you." "When you promised me Army uniforms that not only could the soldiers fight in but also dance in, I was skeptical, but you delivered." "Got the idea when I dropped my G.I. Joe into some crayons." "We still on for golf Wednesday?" "You know it." "Is Vice President Barkley coming?" "Of course..." "Somebody got to carry the bags." " Ohhhh!" " Ohhhh!" "Sorry about the interruption." "What were you saying again?" "I said I really wasn't feeling too good about this concert that you want me to do for you on the moon." "They ain't got no air up there, bro." "Listen to me, Busta Rhymes." "People expect greatness from Topaz Industries." "That's what my name means, and that's what I expect from you." "When my father died after swallowing all those buttons," "I didn't take over his steakhouse and turn it into the number-one hip-hop label/ clothing line/multimedia empire to play it safe." "They ain't got no air up there!" "None!" "How I'm supposed to rap with a helmet on?" "Where all this dread gonna go?" "I'll design the helmet." "You just write the songs." "Okay." "Topaz?" "Really?" "It's my birthstone, dawg." "It's the worst stone." "It really is." "I died from swallowing buttons?" "None of your stories have been any help, especially not yours, Topaz." "Hey, I don't care what y'all say..." "That name is hella cool." "I need to go splash some water on my face, clear my head." ""Moon Rock Festival."" "What?" "You could call it the Moon Rock Festival..." "If you have a concert on the moon." "Hmm." "Oh, sorry." "The door wasn't... _" "You probably think I should use my Chinese name." "_" "_" "Let me guess..." "You have a long, unhelpful story about how you chose your name." "_" "_" "So, what do you think I should do?" "_" "_" "_" "What do you mean?" "_" "_" "_" "_" "Thanks, Grandma." "Yeah, so, our insurance actually isn't too bad here." "You know, they cover six doctor's visits a year, plus the colonoscopy that I was supposed to have today and had to reschedule, even though I drank" " all that magnesium." " I've made my decision." " Oh." " Finally." " Thank God." " I'm dying!" "Congrats." "Mnh-mnh." "Look at it..." "even the temporary checks are beautiful." " I definitely saw that coming." " Me too." "Here, Mom." "Use this to buy a new one." "It's my treat." "I wrote "Toast" in the memo." "After all that, you can't even tell what name he chose." "His signature's illegible." "It's the signature of a doctor." "Doesn't matter what name he chose." "Everyone will call him Dr. Huang." "And what name would you like to put your library card under?" " Jenny." " Mm." "Perfect." "That's all I need." "Welcome to the D.C puplic library system, Jenny." "I see you back in 5 days when the books are due." "_" "_" "Okay." "Have a great day." "Bye, Jenny."