"Your health is no formality, Mr. Banks." "A man carrying as much weight as you are at your age has got to face the facts." "Come on, I've kept myself in pretty good shape." "Well, your blood pressure's up." "You've a history of high cholesterol." " Come on, I've got a heart like a bull." " Don't take it for granted." "Although the heart is the strongest muscle, it has the most responsibility." "There are a lot of things that can affect your heart." "Morning, all." " Morning, Will." " Morning, Master William." "Hey." " What's up, Aunt Viv?" " Is that doctor still in with your uncle?" "Oh, yeah, he sure is, Aunt Viv." "Oh, you know what?" "I heard the doctor say he thinks Uncle Phil might have Dunlap syndrome." "Dunlap syndrome?" "What's that?" "Mean his belly done lapped over his belt." "Hold on a minute." "I'll have you know my father is not fat." "He's just big-boned." "Larger than life." "Yeah, he's also larger than the Volvo." "Will, it's not funny." "Cholesterol is gathering in his arteries stopping the blood flow like rush-hour gridlock." "Hold it, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman." "Dad will probably outlive all of us." "Only if he eats us first." "And you wonder why Daddy won't give you money for your little trip to Mexico." "But if you ask me I think it's a waste of time to even consider life insurance." "Now, honey, your father's a very responsible man." "He wants to make sure that if anything happens to him, we'll be taken care of." "That's true." "After all, Daddy has gotten us used to living this fancy lifestyle." "Oh, did I tell you?" "I went in on a racehorse." " Hey, what's up?" " Will." " Good morning, sir." " Geoffrey." " What did the doctor say?" " Everything's fine." "Well, he was a little worried about my weight." "Do you realize you're eating about a million grams of fat?" "Thank you, honey." "I'm serious, Daddy." "I'm not gonna sit here and watch you eat yourself into an early grave." " Okay, then you're excused." " Fine." " Hey." " Ashley, what are you doing?" "Something you all should've done a long time ago." "Well, she does have a point, Uncle Phil." "I mean, hey, I'm getting tired of the fat jokes myself." "What is wrong with you people?" "I weigh the same thing I weighed in high school." "Yeah, if you add up all four years." "Guess I'm not getting as tired of those fat jokes as I thought, huh?" "I'm worried about you, Daddy." "I love you." "Ashley, sweetheart if you feel that way about it, I'll go on a little diet." " You promise?" " I promise." " And you'll exercise too?" " Well..." "If you want a good workout, go with me tomorrow." " Where are you going?" " Shooting the rapids at Dead Man's Falls." "See, my therapist said the only way for me to get over Trevor's death is to confront it." "But Trevor died doing a bungee jump." "I know." "I'm working up to that." "Well, I'm off to my skydiving class." "Whoa, whoa, Hil." "That's not your parachute." "That's my book bag." "That would've been embarrassing." "Yo, Carlton, what's up, man?" "What you working on?" "It's an assignment from English class." "I'm supposed to imagine myself 20 years from now." "No wonder you're so depressed." "I figure, 20 years from now, my dad will be taking his seat on the Supreme Court." "We'll still see each other, especially on weekends when he and Mom come by to see me and little Carlton." "You are little Carlton." "And if the family is at all consistent my wife's wise-guy nephew will move in and make my life a living hell." "Your wife?" "Oh, this is science fiction." "Oh, Uncle Phil." "Hey, you been out on the courts?" "Played a little tennis with Ashley." "I can't remember when I've worked up such a sweat." "And you've certainly earned your lunch." "What the heck is this?" "Chicken, sir." "You probably don't recognize it without a thick coating of batter and gravy." "I can't do this." "I can't give up my favorite foods cold turkey with..." "Oh, my God." "Turkey." "With pillowy mounds of mashed potatoes butter-drenched dressing, tiny onions swimming in a sea of cream sauce." "Yo, Uncle Phil, snap out of it, man." "Come on, now, those days are over." "You promised Ashley." "You're right, Will." "You're right, I did." "Geoffrey I could make this worth your while." "Well, sir, for a price I could show you something in a greasy snack." "What's going on here?" "Put your hands up." "Step away from the chips." "Listen, Dad, you might not care about how clogged your arteries are but I do, and I'm doing something about it." " And doing a wonderful job, I might add." " Shut up, Geoffrey." "The kitchen is officially closed for high-fat inventory." "Come on." "Will, could I speak to you in the family room, please?" "Oh, yeah, sure thing, Uncle Phil." " About what?" " This." "This is crazy." "Come on, what you talking about, Uncle Phil?" "Oh, this one's easy." "Ashley hid the remote control, so I have to walk to the TV." "Geoffrey's feeding me all kinds of healthy food." "Why does she hate me, Will?" "Come on, Uncle Phil." "I say she's just following the doctor's orders." "You gotta lose some weight, man." "But this is getting out of hand." "Ashley has spies at every fast food restaurant for miles." "You know, I'd give anything for a cheeseburger, Will." "Anything." "Why, I might even finance your little trip to Mexico." "How you trying to play me, Uncle Phil?" "Mexico is important to me, but not if it will jeopardize your health." "Look, I know the doctor's telling the truth." "It's just, I've got a lot going on." "I'm under a lot of pressure." "You let me get a running start at this diet." "See?" "How much running you talking about?" "Well..." "Well, I'll make a New Year's resolution, and by March..." "February you won't even recognize your old Uncle Phil." "And that's this New Year's, right?" "Well, you have my solemn vow." " Well, I'm off." " What are you dressed for?" "I'm learning to drive a Formula 1 racecar." "Hilary, I've had enough of your death-defying stunts." "And I want it stopped now." "What he means, dear is we don't wanna see you taking risks like this." "My therapist was right." "You just aren't nurturing enough." "Mom, I don't think we can go to the movies tonight." "Why not?" "No one's gonna be home except for Dad." "I'm afraid he's gonna cheat on his diet." "What?" "You don't think you can trust me?" "Don't worry, honey, there's no unhealthy food in the house and I'll take the car keys with me." "This is ridiculous." "Okay, I'll put all the local pizza places on alert, and tell them not to deliver." "Doesn't my word mean anything to you?" "Of course it does, darling." "Better call the Chinese restaurants too." "You got the stuff?" "Right here." "You got the money?" "You take a check?" " I'm leaving for Mexico in a hour." " I don't know if I have that cash on me." "I hope there's an ATM." "I've been buying your food all week." " I got no problem eating your dinner." " All right, all right, all right." "Here." "It's good to see you're not wasting time chewing." "See, that's what you get for eating all fast." "Let me get you something for that." "Here's one, Uncle Phil." "Relieves cramps, bloating and irritability." "Oh, no, no, this is Geoffrey's." " Will..." " Oh, here's one, Uncle Phil." "It says it relieves gas and I got to be honest the past couple of days you've been a little..." " No." " Oh, what you want?" "I want an ambulance." "I think I'm having a heart attack." "That's a nice hat." "Thanks a lot, man." "Look, is my uncle gonna be all right?" "Don't worry, he's my fourth heart attack today and I already lost one of them." "A two-death day is rare." "I don't care how rare it is." "You better make sure you don't lose this one!" " Will, I can't breathe." " Hey, my uncle can't breathe, man!" "Could be because you're leaning on his air hose." "I'm sorry." "I'm gonna be all right, Will." "I'll be fine." "You go with your friends to Mexico." "I'll be okay." "No, no, no." "I'm with you, man." "I'm staying with you till the end." "That was a really poor choice of words." "I'm sorry, Uncle Phil." "Would you do me a favor, Will?" "We are not stopping for no burger." "No, no..." "Would you tell Carlton to look after the family, Will just in case this is my last ride?" "Your last ride?" "What you talking about, man?" "We gonna go for plenty rides in ambulances, man." "I mean, you gonna be all right, Uncle Phil." "Hey, man, he is gonna be all right, isn't he?" "Well, if I say he is and he croaks, you're gonna be upset, right?" "You're a real people person, aren't you?" "I guess." "Hey, if he still wants to stop for a burger I can get Troy to swing by the drive-through." "With the siren on, we don't have to wait in line." "Why are they taking so long with those tests?" "The emergency doctor said it's routine with heart attacks." "Where's Carlton?" "I left a message on the phone machine." "I was sure he'd be here by now." "This is all my fault." "I pushed Daddy way too hard on the tennis courts." "No, Ashley, it was me." "I scared him half to death with my stupid thrill-seeking." "I'm afraid, dear family, that I am the culprit." "What do you mean, Geoffrey?" "Years of my rich sauces, prime cuts of beef sumptuous desserts have certainly gone to his heart." "Yes, but if I wasn't there to excuse his behavior this never would've happened." "Good point." "You can't blame yourself, Mom." ""Oh, go ahead, Philip, have dessert." "You've had a hard day."" ""Not to worry, we can let those pants out."" ""I'm too tired." "Go downstairs and have a snack."" "I hate to interrupt this guilt-fest but I think I have to take the rap for this one." "Well, you have been a little wild these past four years." "Not to mention your negative influence on Carlton." "Let's not forget his constant barrage of fat jokes." "Or his elephant jokes." "Stop it, everybody." "You're making Will feel bad." "No, no, it's cool, Ash." "They're right." "It is my fault." "Especially since I've been sneaking him food for the past week." " You what?" " Nothing..." "I mean, he said it was only going to be until New Year's." " How could you?" " Well, it wasn't all bad food." "I mean, the fried rice had bean sprouts in it." "Uncle Phil, I'm sorry, man." "You wouldn't even be in here if I wasn't sneaking you food." "Look, I love you, man." "I never meant to hurt you." "I'm sorry." "Uncle Phil, what are you doing there?" "I had a heart attack, Will." "Hey, how come you didn't tell me you weren't my uncle, man?" "Well, nobody ever comes to visit me." "I crave the attention." "Will, see if he's gonna finish his IV." "Yeah, me bringing you food is what got you in here in the first place." "What?" "You think a week's worth of chili burgers put me in here?" "Forget about it." "It's from years of not taking care of myself." "Yeah, but I ain't had to help you." "Come on, I hustled you to get food." "Nobody blames you." "A whole room full of people with a different opinion." "Oh, the family's here?" "Well, just about." "Carlton's not here yet." "No?" "We left a message for him." "He probably just didn't get it yet." "Yeah." "Yeah, sure." "That's it." " That Carlton your son?" " Yes." "Yeah, I got a son." "He don't come to visit me either." " I'll send the family in, Uncle Phil." " Okay." "Excuse me." "Are you the Banks family?" " Yes, we are." " I'm Dr. Kevarkian." "Not Kevorkian." "Kevarkian with an A." "How's my father doing?" "He's going to be fine." "But he's gonna have to start taking care of himself." "Is he still awake?" "You can go see him." " Why don't you take the baby home." " Very well, Miss Hilary." "Is that Carlton?" "Mr. Banks has been asking for him." "Carlton's a little bigger, wears a bow tie." "Oh, doctor, before I leave could I ask you a couple of questions about ointments?" "Don't be stupid, Carlton." "What are you doing?" "Cleaning the oven." "What's your problem?" "How come you're not at the hospital, man?" "It says right here on the label to let foam sit for 45 minutes." "My hands are tied." "Carlton, what's the matter with you, man?" " Your father had a heart attack..." " You don't know that." "It could be acute indigestion." "Even doctors have made that mistake." "Does that window look smudged to you?" "Carlton, you're going down to that hospital if I have to knock you out and call an ambulance." " You come near me, I'll spray." "Man, you don't know how lucky you are." "You can be with your father whenever you want." "You can eat with him and argue with him." "He's there for you." "You know where my father is?" "No." "Neither do I." "Look, I don't wanna see my father with tubes up his nose, okay?" "There's gonna come a time when all he has is tubes up his nose..." " Not my father!" " Everybody's father!" "Except mine because I don't know where the hell he is!" "You don't understand, Will." "Yes, I do." "You're selfish." "Your father's resting." "Why don't you take your family home." "Oh, well, they finally fell asleep." "I don't wanna wake them." "You don't sleep?" "I've got a lot on my mind, Dr. Kevorkian." "Kevarkian with an A." "Call me Russell." "I'm on break now." "You wanna go downstairs and have an early breakfast?" "Well, thank you, Russell, but I can't." " I'm in mourning." " Your father's gonna be fine." "Oh, no." "See, my fiancé had this unfortunate accident." "That's why I was supposed to go bungee jumping earlier today." " Dr. Martling said..." "Do you know him?" " No." "He's my therapist." "He thought if I jumped from the same place Trevor ju..." "He didn't exactly say that." "You know how your therapist says one thing and means something else and you have to figure out therapist talk?" " You can never understand..." " Oh, look at that, I'm being beeped." "I didn't hear any beep." "Dad?" " Are you okay?" " Me?" "I'll be fine." "I'll be out of this bed in no time." "How about you?" " Are you okay?" " Me?" "Sure, I mean..." "I should've come sooner, Dad, but I was scared." "You're like Superman to me." "Yeah cheesecake is my kryptonite." "I'm sorry I let you down, son." "You could never let me down, Dad." "I love you." "Hey, Superman, ask junior to get me a bedpan." "Whoop, there he is." "Oh, man." "Hey, Uncle Phil, bet you never thought you'd get a standing O in this house?" "There was a time I never thought I'd see this house again." "You was probably worried about just seeing this kitchen again, right?" "I'm sorry, that's a leftover fat joke." "I'm tripping." "Go ahead." "Well, you get them in while you can." "Soon I'll be a lean, mean judicial machine." "I'll cover all bets on that one." "Daddy, we're not gonna do anything to make you upset ever again." "Oh, by the way, I dented the Mercedes." "Sweetheart, I am so glad to have you home safe and well." "And if you ever do anything to scare me like that again, I'll kill you." "Don't worry, I won't." "I'm lucky to have such a wonderful family." "Even my pain-in-the-butt nephew." " I love you too, Uncle Phil." " Yeah, yeah." " Hey, come on, let's go watch some TV." " Okay." " There's still no furniture." " Oh, that's all right." "Oh, man, we don't have no remote." "Sure we do." "Geoffrey!" "Do you realize you're eating about a million grams of fat?" "Thank you, honey." "Geoffrey, you're skimping on the provolone, huh?" "I'm serious, Daddy." "I'm not gonna sit here and watch you eat yourself into an early grave." "So you're gonna throw a fork at me?" "I tried to keep going." "Hold, please!"