"Tonight, the great, the good and the rubbish in the Top Gear awards." "We go on a motoring holiday with The Stig." "And Doctor Who travels through space and time a bit more slowly than usual." "Speed up!" "(Cheering)" "Hello." "Hello and welcome." "Thank you so much." "Thank you." "Well, now, we begin with James May who has found a car that seems to make him rather cross." "(James) This is the culprit." "The Jaguar S-Type." "This car really, really winds me up." "It sums up everything that's wrong with Jaguar." "You see, what they did with the S-Type was to make a car that they hoped would appeal to Germans and Americans." "And, you may ask, what's wrong with that?" "Well, quite a lot, actually." "You see, Mr. Jonathon Foreigner has this ridiculously outdated view of what Britain is." "He thinks we all live in Anne Hathaway's cottage and then go out to ye olde tea rooms where we eat some Kendal mint cake and then maybe we'll go out and find a red phone box and ring up some Beefeaters" "at the Tower of London to see if we can have our bowler hats back." "It's rubbish." "And Jaguar absolutely pandered to this view with the S-Type." "Just look at that retro grill." "It's goppingly awful." "Now, I've been banging on about this for years." "And maybe, at last, they've listened." "Because this is the replacement for the S-Type." " (Growl)" " The Jaguar-XF." "As soon as you look at it, you think, ah, that's more like it." "You look at the new grill and the subtly bulging bonnet and the gills on the side." "Then there's the back, which looks as though it came from the XK." "Sounds like an XK as well." "You ready?" "(Humming)" "This is the first time since I started this job that I've been in a Jaguar saloon and felt that I was in the right decade." "In Beverly Hills, your retired dentist, he's gonna have a bit of a heart attack because... (US accent)... that's not a proper Jaguar." "(Normal) Well, so be it." "And there are more treats on the inside." "Imagine you're a bank manager." "Now, in the olden days, you'd have climbed into your Jaguar, checked your parting in your reflection in the polished woodwork of your fascia and then you'd have been on your way." "Now, though..." "First thing you notice is this red starter button pulsating like a heartbeat." "Touch that once to turn the ignition on and your immediately bathed in this beautiful pale blue light like something from a funky vodka bar." "And then, look at that." "look at those opening." "Put your foot on the brake, press it again to start the engine." "And this thing rises up from the center console." "That it actually the gear change." "Now, I know none of that is strictly necessary but, as you watch it, you can feel all those years of financial drudgery just falling away until you're twelve years old and back in a world of Thunderbirds." "However, once you look past all this futuristic garnish, it's not quite so Tomorrow's World." "Under the skin, the basic structure is from the old S-Type and the suspension is from the XK." "The engines are also pretty old hat." "You've still got V6 diesel, the V6 petrol and the V8 petrol, with or without the supercharger, and they've been around for donkey's years." "As Clarkson pointed out when he drove the XK, you get the sense that Jaguar is pushing the limits, not of its technology, but of its overdraft." "But, if you were to keep any old bits, it'd be these because, for a saloon, this is superb." " It goes like a four door XK." " (Growl)" "It means it has the supercharger on the 4.2 liter V8." "It will do naught to 60 in 5.1 seconds." "But, interestingly, this isn't the most powerful version they're going to make." "There will be a Jaguar XFR with even more power." "And you can guess who'll be driving that one." "If I have one criticism, it's that the ride in this S V8 version is harder than you'd expect from a Jaguar." "But it still wipes the floor with the Audi A6." "And when it comes to value for money, it duffs up the BMW5 series, too." "Every model in the range comes with leather, the excellent paddle-shift automatic gear box, touch screen satnav, electric seats, decent alloys and blue teeth." "For years the sleek and modern Germans were having it easy because all we had to take them on was Chumley Warner." "Now, though, we have this." "Make no mistake, the XF is very good but, more than that, it means that Jaguar has finally found the balls to make a saloon that belongs in the present." "The BMW M3 is the world's best selling performance car." " And is driven exclusively by clots." " That doesn't matter." "No, it does, honestly, because every single one of them talks about marketing and solutions and paradigm and they've all got those ridiculous mobile phone earpieces in." " Yeah, he's right." " Yeah, any..." "The point is there's a new one out and, to see if it's any good," "I took it to Spain, to The Stig's favorite holiday resort." "(Richard) Behind tough security to keep out the riffraff, there are pleasant gardens where he can relax, a pool where he can unwind and, in the evening, a top-notch restaurant where he can gorge on meat." "It's a lovely spot with excellent views and... oh, yes, nearly forgot." "In the grounds, there's a five and a half kilometer race track." "(Engine humming)" "It was built as a play thing by a Dutch oil billionaire and features copies of some of the best corners from other race tracks around the world." "It is a fantastic place but the car I'm driving is even better." "The last M3 had a straight six engine." "This has a four liter V8 but don't think for a minute it's become a big, lazy muscle car." "Yes, it's a big V8 but it revs at 8,300 rpm." "It's such a screamer." "That said, it is softer than the old car and more forgiving but it's also noticeably faster and cleverer." "You can actually change the feel of the car and the performance on the iDrive control system." "Meanwhile, the M differential gets busy at the back to keep the power going to exactly the right place at exactly the right time." "Sometimes, it'll even lock the rear wheels together so you can pull spectacular tail slides, even if your fists are made of ham." " I love this car." " Get out of the way." " That'll be Jeremy, then." " Here I come." "This is Mercedes' answer to the M3." "It's the AMG C-Class and it's not a car." "It's a complete animal!" "Oh, Chri!" "You don't really drive this car, you cling on for dear life." "Sure, the new M3 has a top-notch conventional weapon under the bonnet but this, this has a nuke." "It's a 6.2 liter V8." "Now, it's not the full-fat 6.2 they put in their bigger cars but even this semi-skimmed version has 450 brake horsepower, so the oomph is as phenomenal as the noise it makes." "(Hums then roars)" "Listen to that!" "It's not only louder, more powerful and more exciting than the M3 but it's simpler as well." "It even has an automatic gearbox." "I will admit, however, that there are one or two things I'm not sure about." "It's not a very pretty car." "I don't like the way Merc has copied BMW's iDrive system." "Their old control center was better, it was easier to use." "And then, rising above all this, is the problem with the traction control." "When it's on, it's constantly interfering, every time you go near the throttle." "Eventually, of course, you become impatient and turn it off." "But be advised, if you do that, you'd better be awake." "(Screeching)" "Oo... ps a daisy." "I've got it." "There we a..." "Oh, dear, nope." "This is just an ax murderer with headlights." "And I absolutely adore it." "This is mental." "Jeremy, there's more to life" " than a big, shouty engine." " No, there isn't." " There is." " I'm sorry, but the whole point of an M3 is that you can't tell it isn't an ordinary BMW." " Look, it's got M3 written here, grooves..." " I'm s..." "It's got more trinkets on it than a pensioner's mantelpiece." "I'm sorry, you cannot pitch up in your sparkly, disco glitter ball..." "Nobody ever said a Mercedes had to be restrained." "Tell me you like the chrome." "Honestly." " I don't like the chrome very much." " That's all there is." "Sunshine roof?" "Oh, you haven't..." " Don't need one." " What the hell?" " What?" " What's this?" " Carbon fiber." " Carbon fiber roof?" "It's to keep the center of gravity low cos it keeps the weight down." "It's light, that helps the balance, that's why this is such a good car." " Makes you look like a cock." " Like your chrome is gonna help." "Both of those cars are ostentatious and ghastly." "Which is why, if you want a small, fast, German saloon, you'd have one of these." "It's an Audi RS 4." "It may have been around for a couple of years now but I have to say, it's still marvelous." "It has a 4.2 liter V8 which produces the same power as Hammond's M3 but without drawing quite so much attention to itself." "The exhaust note is like a tribute to Pavarotti." "Listen to this." "(Rising revs)" "Sonorous." "You see, it's not like that "look at me" racket coming out of the back of Jeremy's idiotic Mercedes." "And, in any case, why would you want a car that's trying to kill you?" "And, unlike Hammond's BMW, it isn't smothered in gaudy tinsel." "It's quiet, it's discreet, it's got absolutely nothing to prove." "It's, sort of, at home with Andy McNab." "The ride is good, the four-wheel-drive system keeps you out of the crash barriers and you don't need an IT qualification to operate it." " Wey-hey." " (Jeremy) How many gears have you got?" " Six." "How many?" " Seven." "So that's one better." " That's too many." " What do you mean, it's too?" "(Jeremy) It is." "(Richard) Oh, hello." "(Jeremy) Has the captain arrived?" "(Richard) I think so." "In an Audi." " This Audi is a very, very good car." " Couldn't agree with you more." "When I drove it a couple of years ago," "I actually believed that that was one of the greatest engines ever made but you cannot ignore the engine in that Mercedes, you just can't." " Nobody saw a 6.2 liter..." " (Richard) With 6.3 written on the side." " That's just" " Is it a 6.2?" " Yes." " It says 6.3 on it." " Yes, that's history and tradition." " It's lying." " It's just a random number." " It isn't..." "Instead of bickering, we decided to get scientific and discuss practicality." "First things first, I'll just get in the back." "Ah, yes, all right." "There is a four door version coming." "(Jeremy) Rear leg room?" "(Richard) Plentiful." "Pitiful." "The Audi." "(Richard) I'd expect..." "(Jeremy) And..." "Oh, deary me." "(Jeremy) If we pop this seat into my driving position." " (James) That's not a fair test." " (Richard laughs)" " Do you wanna hop in, Richard?" " I'd love to." "Oh, I can't, I've got legs." "(Jeremy) We could have argued all day but when it comes to practicality, the facts are the facts." "The Mercedes has the biggest engine, the most gears, the most space in the front, the most space in the back and the biggest boot." "The end." "(Jeremy) After this momentous victory for the Mercedes," "I decided we should have a drag race." "I'm actually, for the first time in one of our drag races, genuinely tense about this." "I want this car to win." "Don't lose." "Don't lose, mad car." "I'll take the handbrake off." "That'll increase my chances." "I'm not gonna win this, I'm gonna humiliate them." "(Revving)" "(Jeremy) Despite its four-wheel-drive system, the Audi took the lead." " I'm winning, I'm winning." " (Jeremy) And then lost it." " Come on, come on." " Come on, baby, come on." " How did that happen?" " Oh, rock and roll." "No, no, no!" "L... oser!" " Oh." " That's a pointless and irrelevant test." "(Jeremy) James and Richard were annoyed." "They'd lost out to the Merc's superior practicality and its straight line performance." "Desperate for a victory, James got out his tape measure to try and find any area where the Audi was best." "I'm just measuring the steering wheel to see whose is fattest." "Meanwhile, Richard hauled me into the circuit's conference suite for a PowerPoint presentation." "Right, what I've got here is a graph showing the torque curves for each of the three cars." "You're only doing this on a PowerPoint so M3 drivers know what you're on about." " No, it's the easiest way to show it..." " What do you want for supper, darling?" "I'll get my laptop out and, as you can see on this graph, 40% of me wants a shepherd's pie" " with peas, 60% wants lamb chops." " Shut up!" " That's an increase of..." " Pay attention." "This is useful information." "These are the torque curves for each of the cars." "So, your Mercedes, the Audi, the BMW." "Jezza's wing mirrors are an inch bigger than mine." "So the blue line is the Mercedes and that's on the top." "You've immediately assumed, being you, that being higher up the graph is better." " Is it?" " Yes, it is." "Yes." "Hammond's are two foot as well." "I've got the smallest windscreen wipers." " Right, have you got power?" " Uh, yes, I have." "There." " (Jeremy) Yeah, look at the blue line!" " It's not that simple." "Look at the..." "Yeah, I..." " You've lost." " Yeah." "Yes!" "My gear stick's got the biggest knob diameter by half an inch." "(Applause)" "You are such a child." "I am a child." "I admit." "Anyway, we're gonna pick that up later on because now it's time to put a star in our reasonably-priced car." "Now, my guests tonight needs no introduction because he's Doctor Who." "Ladies and gentlemen, David Tennant!" "(Cheering)" " How are you?" " I'm very good." " Have a seat." " Thank you." "(Whooping)" "You are like a good-looking version of Richard Hammond." " The smoking jacket thing, it's..." " This is new for you." "I've never worn it before." " This is new, too." " Will you be wearing that again?" "No." "It's so nice to have a good-looking chap in that chair for once." "And popular, too." "Two years you've won the most popular television actor" " at the National Television Awards." "Am I right?" " I think that might be accurate, yes." "I didn't spoil it by telling you you'd won while the nominations were being read out." " Is that what that meant?" " Yeah." "I may have got all the winners and losers before and I had a great evening, telling all the losers, like that." "Now, um, as a kid, is it true you wanted to be Doctor Who?" "Didn't everyone... who grew up in the '70s?" "I thought they did." " Yeah, I desperately..." " I wanted to be Julie Christie's underwear, that's what I wanted to be." "I don't know where to go with that." "Erm..." "Yeah..." "Go wherever you like." "You wanted to be, you wanted to be the Doctor?" "I did, yeah, I did." "I thought that would be quite a laugh." "Then I grew up and thought, "That's never gonna happen, that's absurd," ""but I'd like to be an actor." And then, funnily enough, it came back round again." " Who'd have thought it." " I know." "Now, um, you took your name from Neil Tennant." "Is that right?" "It sort of is, yeah." "I was 16 when I joined Equity, the actors' union." "Erm, and there's a rule that there's not allowed to be two actors with the same name, so David McDonald, which is my real name, was disallowed." "So, at 16, I thought, "Where do you find a new name from?" So I looked in Smash Hits." " Cos that's what you read when you're 16." " It's a good job it wasn't Madonna." " Yeah." " You'd look ridiculous then." "So that was it." "Because you wanted..." "I read somewhere, how many times have you auditioned for Taggart?" " Oh, about 26." " No way." "Yeah." "I went up for Taggart every week of my life when I lived in Scotland and they never gave me a part." "You must be the only Scottish person who's never been in Taggart." "There's some people who've played four different murderers." "Erm, so we've got the Christmas special, obviously." "What's the storyline?" " It's a kind of big disaster movie, really." " Mm." "The Titanic crashed through the walls of the Tardis at the end of the last series, you might have caught that, and, uh, mayhem ensues from there on in." "Kylie Minogue is, uh, serving as waitress on the Titanic." "She gets swept up." " By you?" " Yeah, a little bit." "Erm..." " Cos I know you've got two hearts." " Yeah." "So have you got two?" "You'll have to ask Kylie." "Well, Billie Piper calls you David Ten Inch, doesn't she?" "That's..." " That could be two fives, it could be..." " God bless her for it." " Yeah." " Yeah." "Erm, have you ever asked about the details of the Tardis?" "I mean, do you know how it works?" " Of course I do." " How does it work?" " You wouldn't understand." " Try me." " It's, it's very complicated." " Is it?" "Is there some maths?" "It's got a lot to do with a Gravitic Anomalyser." " Yeah, yeah, I thought it would do." " Yeah." "What's its top speed?" "Ah, well, it's relative." " As is time." " Ah." "Anyway, cars." " Yeah. (Giggles)" " Erm..." "No, occasionally we have people on who've had pretty poor car histories." " Yeah, sure." " James Blunt springs to mind." " It was one and it was a Lada." " Right." " You..." "Talk us through it." " My first car, um, Ford Fiesta." " Second car?" " Ford Escort." " We're moving up." " Yeah." " And then?" " And then I had a Skoda." " Now, you see, it's still a punch line, isn't it?" " It is." " It's a good car." " They are good cars." " Is it a modern Skoda or an old?" " It's a modern Skoda." " It's a modern, non-comedy..." " To be fair, I still have the Skoda." " You do?" " Yeah." "Er..." " Doctor Who has a Skoda." " Yes." " What sort of Skoda is it?" " Skoda Octavia Ambiente." "It was the best car I had until recently, when it went in for a service and came back with a list as long as your arm which suddenly made it not financially viable any more." " Oh, so you haven't got the Skoda?" " I still have it but I'm trading it in next week." "By the time this broadcasts, I'll have done the exchange, so they won't see it, it'll be too late by then." "Or somebody'll be going, "I've got Doctor Who's Sk... (Beep)"" " Doesn't work!" " Yes." "What are all these flashing lights?" "OK, now, um..." "I understand that you've been, how can I put this, whinging about when Billie Piper came here, about her lap and how you think she may have cut the corner a little bit." " To be fair, Jeremy, I've seen it." " Yeah." "Yeah." "She clearly drove a track that she made up." "You're right, she did make it up." "And then you said, "We're gonna have to deduct, or add a few extra seconds."" "We did." "We did say that." "And then she just, kinda, batted her eyelids at you..." " Wasn't there some?" " And she's, and her time stands." "Actually, the main reason was she had a completely see-through top on." "So we can't deduct points for that." "Could you?" " Listen, Billie's very charming." " Mm." "I've been on the receiving end of her eyelid fluttering" " and it's, it's, it butters many parsnips, but..." " Well... (Laughter)" "I just, I know that she's gonna beat me now and I'm never gonna hear the end of it." "Well, we don't know." "We don't know whether you've cut corners or anything." "Now, all I do know is that you did have a bit of a problem with third gear." " Yeah." " Who'd like to see David's problems" " with third gear?" "Yes?" " (Audience) Yeah." "Let's just play this." "Third gear, come on, find it." "There it is." "(Engine revving)" "Where are you?" "Third gear." "Thank you." "Come on third gear, you..." "loony." "Hurray for fourth." "Come on." "Third gear, where are you?" "There y'are." "Oh, no, you're not, there you are." "It wouldn't go in." "Do you know where third gear was after he finished that particular session?" " It was all over the track." " I broke the car, didn't I?" " You broke third gear." " Yeah." " So we got you the spare car." " Yeah." " Shall we see what he did to that?" "Here we go." " (Audience) Yeah." "(Tires screeching)" "(Jeremy) It's a good fast start with a lot of wheel spin and some Scottish mist." " Yeah." " Coming down to the first corner." "What am I looking in my wing mirror for?" "There's naebody behind me." " It's good Highway Code sense." " It is." "(Jeremy) And across the zebra, very fast." "That's probably a bit too fast in there." "That was bad!" "That was bad!" "(In studio) Yeah." "(Jeremy) It is the understeer." "You've gotta kill that understeer by being slower to go faster." " It sounds ridiculous but it's true." " I know and I could hear The Stig in my head every time I messed up." "(Jeremy) Hey, this is better." "Yeah, look at that." " (Jeremy) That's a good Hammerhead." " Pretty good." "Speed up!" "(Jeremy) It looks slower on the telly than it is when you're in the car, apparently." "Get right out to the edge, like he telt ye." " Third gear, come on!" " No!" "Fourth through there." "Fourth through the tires." "Yes, that's good." "That's a good line." "Good." "I made the camera wobble." "That's good." "Brake and third gear." "Braking." "(David) That's slow." "That's very slow." "(Jeremy) Quite pedestrian, there." "(Jeremy) Here we go, round Gambon." "Faster." "There we go, and across the line." "It... oh." "It's so frustrating, though." "It's so frustrating because I know that I didn't have a clean round." "I didn't have one round when I didn't do something stupid." " Mm." "But you didn't cross any of the lines." " So I don't have to flutter my eyelids at you?" "No, you don't." "So where do you think you came?" "Oh, it's not gonna be great." "Jools Hollandish?" " 1.49.9." "No, it's better than that." " OK." "Good." " You're in the 1.40s." " Have I beaten Billie the Piper?" " Well, what did she do?" " Apparently, she did 1.48.3." " She did a 1.48 three." " Yeah." " You did a 1.48..." " Come on." " Eight." " (Audience) Aw." "Billie Piper, the assistant, is faster than the master." "That's..." " But, strictly speaking..." " Uh, yeah?" " Were Billie taking her penalties..." " Mm-hm." "You'd have been faster." "If you'd have thought to wear a black, see-through top, you would now have beaten Simon Cowell." "If I undo a button?" "No." "James might just rush in and put you farther up." "But no." "Anyway, there you are and it's been an absolute pleasure having you here." " Lovely to be here." " Thank you so much for coming." " Ladies and gentlemen, David Tennant." " (Whooping)" "And now..." "Hush." "And now it is time for the glittering Top Gear awards ceremony, held here, in front of..." "whoever's bothered to turn up." "Yes, it's where we celebrate all that's good and bad in the world of cars, here in the glittering West End..." "of Guildford." "(Richard) Yes." "It is now time for the lifetime achievement award." "Now, this is awarded to the person who's done the most, er, to ruin the lives of Britain's 33 million motorists." "And the nominees are..." "Ken Livingstone for not realizing that the introduction of bendy buses to London streets is about as sensible as introducing a fleet of oil tankers to the Shropshire Union Canal." " Ken Livingstone..." " Oh." "...for deciding that, if you earn a living and pay tax and spend some of what's left on a car and then pay value added tax on that, and then buy some road fund license tax to put the car on the road" "and then pay fuel duty tax on the fuel and value added tax on that fuel duty tax you should then pay L25 tax to drive into the center of the capital." "Right, and the final nomination is Ken Livingstone for putting my flat 50 yards inside the new enlarged congestion zone." "Jeremy, it's about 33 million motorists, not just you." "Right." "The winner." "Where is it?" "Here we go." "It's not Ken Livingstone." "It's the traffic Wombles, er, who close motorways for six hours every single time somebody's door mirror comes off, so they can retrieve it safely." "So well done them." "(James) Yeah." "OK." "This is the award for the ugliest car of the year." "The nominations are..." "There's no point." "It's the Mini Clubman." " (James) It is." " By miles." "That's the ugliest." "So let's get it on." "Here's the big one, OK?" "It's the worst car of the year award." "And the nominations..." "Actually, it's the Mini Clubman, isn't it?" " No, it's not." " No, it isn't the Mini Clubman." "No, it isn't." "No, the winner this year and, indeed, for every year whilst we have breath in our bodies is the most stupid, useless and dangerous car ever to stalk the earth." "It is the totally terrible and disgusting G-Wiz." " It's, it's not a car, that, is it?" " No." "Neither, is it, as they claim to get round safety regulations, a quadricycle." "But we did think, with a few modifications, it might just make a very good radio-controlled car." "I went to find out." "For this experiment we've come here, to Swindon." "It's the Wiltshire branch of the Science Museum." "So it's got the sort of academic atmosphere we need." "It's also got a socking great runway, which is excellent, because a good radio controlled car needs to be fast." "So that means we'll have to make our normal G-Wiz a lot faster." "Let me demonstrate the problem with speed by carrying out a simple drag race." "I shall pilot the G-Wiz." "48 volts, naught to... 40 in... quite a while." "And I've put it up against an everyday, normal car." "A genuine, 500 horsepower Mustang." "Should be close." "Two, one, go!" "We're off, we're off, we're off." " (Screeching)" " He's pulling away." "He's pulled away some more." "So, not good." "But our radio-controlled version should pep things up." "We've made it using the scientific principle of more... is more." "Basically, it's got ten times more battery power." "And, to help put that power down, we've fitted it with fat tires from a Formula 3 racing car." "So let's run the drag race again." "Three, two, one, go!" "Yeah." "Try that." "That's more like it." "Come on." "Come on." "Yes." "Come on." "Yes!" "But a good radio-controlled car should also handle well." "So, along with the fat tires, our G-Wiz has been lowered and widened." "To test its handling, we've made ourselves a circuit and to really find out if our mods have worked, it'll be racing against a conventional remote-controlled car." "Now, for this race, I shall pilot the little remote-controlled car because, to get the best out of the G-Wiz for this test, it needs to be controlled by our finest driver." "Someone who has never sat on Santa's knee, someone who's never watched Moonraker on Boxing Day." "(Little revs)" "Right, here we go." "Oh, come on." "Not to worry." "I had a backup." "Yes." "First corner coming up." "Time to see what The Stig makes of our handling changes." "Oh, he won't like that." "No, that's not good." "Second corner." "And I knew that if I caught The Stig, he'd squash me again." "But no matter." "Because the pickup is carrying a special load." "When I press this little button... (Buzz)" "Oh, yeah." "It worked." "It worked." " That's one less." " Oh, yeah, it's a start." "That is what's called a start, yeah." "And now the award for the worst dressed presenter on Top Gear." " Whoa." " And the nominations are..." "Richard Hammond's shorts in the London race." " Yeah." " And Richard Hammond's Spandau Ballet" " tribute coat of a couple of weeks ago." " Yeah." " Check that out there." " Yeah." "Well, the winner, and I have a good feeling about this one..." "Oh." "It's Jeremy Clarkson from our British Leyland cars film for his dry suit." " (Jeremy) What?" " I thought it was in the bag." " Oh, yeah." " That's..." "I'm sorry, what about James May in the Aston Martin?" "Look?" "Ah, yeah, but I'm not actually dressed at all there, so..." "All right, then, I'm gonna move it on." "This is for the best noise we've heard all year." "And the nominations are the Ascari A10." "(Roaring)" " Ooh, that's a good noise." " The Aston Martin DBS for this." "(Humming)" "And the tunnel we went through on the Italian Riviera." "(Resonating revs)" "But the winner was, in fact, none of those." "The best noise we heard in motoring all year... was Richard Hammond when Oliver sank." "(Laughter)" "Float, 0liverl" " Yeah." " And..." "You thought you'd seen the last of him but we've flown him 9,000 miles to be here tonight." " Ladies and gentlemen, Oliver is here!" " (Cheering)" "(Richard) Oliver!" "Whoa!" "And after the show, we're going to burn it!" " No." " Yes, we are." "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "Time for the best driver award." "Now this is for the guest who's come to our track and performed, not necessarily the fastest, but the best." "And the nominations are Jennifer Saunders." "Can't let the girls down." "She was very nearly the fastest of all of them." "We were hugely impressed with her competitiveness and style." "Then there was Lawrence Dallaglio, who was also immensely fast, particularly bearing in mind he turned up with two 400 pound shoulder muscles." "The winner actually, it turns out, is the fastest." "It's Simon Cowell, everybody!" "(Cheering)" "Sadly..." "Sadly, er, Simon couldn't be here to collect his award in person, er, so earlier today, James, er, dropped it off at his house." "This is it." "(Ding dong)" "(Ding dong)" " (Richard) Oh, well done anyway." " Yes, well done Simon." "If you haven't got your award, the milkman has it." "Er, right, so that's that one done with and it means we can move on to the big one, the Top Gear car of the year award for 2007." "Now, this is a tricky one because we decided that all three of us had to agree." "Er, it's very hard, actually, to find one that we all like." "I mean, the Aston Martin DBS, I nominated, cos it's the most fun I've had all year." " (James) Too expensive." " Exactly." "James said no, too expensive, so that was that out." "What about the Porsche 911 GT3 RS?" "Broke down and it's got scaffolding in the back." " Well, if you won't agree." " I think it has to be" " the Rolls-Royce Phantom Drophead." " Oh, no, please," "Puff Didley'd feel daft scooting about in one of those." "It is a bit flashy." "It is a bit ostentatious, James, if we're honest." "It can't really be that." " Audi R8?" " No..." "It's brilliant, it's a fabulous car but I just don't want one." "The Audi R8 is like the Ja..." "It's..." "Tell you what it's like, going on holiday on Germany." "Everything's clean, everything's efficient." "You just don't go there, do you?" " You go to Italy or France." " Lacking something." " Yeah." "Erm..." " This is true." "Has anybody out there got any ideas what could be our car of the year?" " (Shouting) - (Woman) Oliver!" " What?" " Who said Oliver?" " How can the?" "Oliver?" " Yeah!" "I would rather eat my gentleman vegetables." " We've had a Fiat 500." " Fiat 500." "James..." " I like it." " No, no, no, no." " James doesn't like it." "Anyone else?" " I love that." " (Man) Suzuki Swift." " Oh, for crying out loud." " The Suzuki Swift." "It is a very good car, that." " No." "This is important." "It's like the Oscars." "We've gotta get it right." " I've got an idea." " (Man, inaudible)" "He's had the same one." "The Ford Mondeo." "Actually, I can't think of anything wrong with it." " James, anything wrong with the Ford Mondeo?" " It drives really well." " I can't, actually, no." " It does." " It looks good." " Huge amount of space in the back." "It drives as well as Beemer and there are loads of dealers." " I like the interior, actually." " Very well priced." " Good engines." " It's big inside." "There's loads of room." " And think we're there." " D'you know what?" "As it happens." "As it happens, we never mentioned it when it came out, we never road-tested it but there we are, the 2007 Top Gear car of the year is..." "Hold on." "What about the Subaru Legacy Outback?" " Oh, God, that's brilliant." " That is an excellent..." "That's made it complicated." "No, it hasn't." "Here we go." "The most prestigious award in motoring, the Top Gear car of the year 2007 is... either the Subaru Legacy Outback or the Ford Mondeo!" "(Richard) Yeah!" "One of them." "(James) Yeah." "One of those two, either one." "Now, earlier on, the three of us were at a private race track in Spain." "Fabulous place, it's got swimming pools restaurants, the lot, but we were there to try and find out which is the best small, fast German saloon." "I reckoned it was the BMW M3, James reckoned it was the Audi RS4 and Jeremy reckoned it was the 6.2 liter Mercedes C-Class." "Yes and, after part one of the film, the Mercedes was winning." "I had the largest diameter knob." "You did." "However, the Mercedes was the fastest in a straight line, the most practical and the most powerful." "And now we're gonna get back to the action." "Right, what we're gonna do now is find out how fast each car will go round the track." "Yep." "And for that we need our tame racing driver." "Some say that, as we speak, he is actually relaxing in the resort's pool and... he is." " He is, actually." " Yeah." "He is." "(Jeremy) We dragged him out of the pool and plonked him into his holiday hire car." "This is Emerson Fittipaldi's F1 Lotus, which won the world championship in 1972." "(Roaring)" "And, amazingly, it produces 420 brake horsepower, the same sort of power you get from our saloons." "So, first up, let's see how fast this gets round the track." "They brought that car out in, what, 1970?" "1971 season began." ""What have you done to change it?" "Nothing."" " Didn't change it till '75." " So every year..." " Five years." "Yeah." " "It was really good last year..."" "Oh." "One of the interesting things about that car is it had torsion beam suspension which was very forgiving in slow corners, which made the tires last longer." "You managed to find something boring about something incredibly exciting." "It is interesting." " Do we have a time?" " (Man) 2:15. 16." " Yes!" "Ooh, I don't know." " 2:15.16 is the time it did." "(Jeremy) The Stig then switched to the Merc." "I'm getting ready to run away." "(Richard) Look at him rolling!" "(Jeremy) Look at that!" "(Jeremy) What a machine." "Hard on the brakes now, turning." "Look." "He's missed the apex." "Probably cos it understeered off." "It was going straight off." "(Screeching)" "When do you feel most alive?" "When you're right on... that close to death." "Every time you get in that car, the greatest thing in your life is getting out alive." " You're saying that's cool?" " At every destination, you go yes!" " I'm alive." "I made it." " You don't think that might wear a bit?" "(Jeremy) The Merc has more power than the Lotus F1 car but could it beat its two-minute 15 lap time?" "(Man) 2:43." "(Richard) Next up, Captain Slow's Audi." "I'm gonna be 430 years old by the time he gets here." "So this could take, like, half a year?" "Watch when it comes through here, it will look quick." "You'll be able to see." "(Richard) Boring." "Oh!" "So when you were saying that it won't slide, what you meant was, "I can't slide it"?" "Yes." "Oh, I hate that sound of understeer, that "brrrr"." "Disappointing, it's the sound of disappointment." " Could we have a time, please, now?" " (Man) It's two minutes, 43.5 to beat." "The RS 4 did it in two minutes 43.9." "Ooh." "Well, hang on." "That means your extra 45 horsepower..." " Half a second." "...has bought you less than half a second." " All that noise." " All that noise is the sound made by an idiot." "(Richard) So, with the Audi out of the running, it was the M3's turn." "It is impossible for your car to be faster than my car." "More brake horsepower and more brake horsepower per tonne." "It's out of control and it rolls through the corners like the wheels are on sideways." "(Jeremy) Boring." "(Richard) Boring?" "!" "Boring." "Boring there." "M3 drivers have no friends." " It's just dreary." " It's not dreary." "It's quietly aggressive." "It looks menacing and purposeful but not overstated." "(Man) The M3 did a two-minute 38.9." " (Sighs) - (Jeremy clears throat)" "That is quite funny." "(Richard) How can you argue with that?" "I'm afraid there's been a bit of an argument." "Jeremy told The Stig that he hadn't tried hard enough in his Mercedes on the fast lap." "The Stig said, "No, the Mercedes was just too wayward and uncontrollable on the track."" "Jeremy said, "Rubbish." He could hit an apple on the apex of any corner at full speed." "So, here's the apple and here comes, I imagine, a very big crash." "Damn." "I'll go again." "The important thing is Jeremy won't get bored." "(Jeremy) Actually, I did." "(Richard and James laughing)" "I'll bet you any money The Stig couldn't do it in your car." " I advise you don't have that bet with him." " I'm gonna have it." "I'd eat it if he could hit it." "(Groans)" "The great taste of Michelin." "(Richard) There was another issue with the mad Merc." "Whoa!" "That's canvas showing there." "So, hang, hang on, your rear tires lasted how long?" "35 miles." "That's, that's gonna be inconvenient if you live, like, 40 miles from work." "(Richard) Keen to claw back some dignity after the apple and the lap time debacle," "Jeremy became ridiculous." "OK, what we've got here is the brand-new Top Gear cock-o-meter that I've just thought of." "The idea is the camera takes a picture as you approach." "The image is then analyzed and it tells you how much of a cock you look." "(Jeremy) First up, James May in the Audi." " (Ping) - (Jeremy) Good score." "So now, the Merc." " (Ding) - 0h, no, it's a seven." "So what about Hammond in the M3?" "I've not got a good feeling about this one." " (Clang!" ")" " Oh, he's broken the machine!" "He's broken it." "(Richard) We left Stig to his holiday and headed for home, still unable to agree which of our cars was the best." "0n the way, we tried each other's cars and that made things even worse." "This Audi is just a very, very... nice place to be." "And that four-wheel-drive system, after all of our two-wheel-drive lairiness, suddenly to have that security, that planted feel, it does make sense." "This Mercedes is pretty revolting." "It's really chintzy and glitzy and cheesy and... it has a very exciting engine, though." "Tremendous engine, in fact." "It's fantastic." "(Jeremy) To annoy Hammond, I dressed like an M3 driver before taking the wheel." "The thing is, though, we're not reviewing the people who buy this car, we're reviewing the car and, when Richard Hammond says it's poised and balanced and precise, he is talking absolute... sense." "What a car." "What a masterpiece." "So, sublime, civilized, insane." "All slightly different but, truth be told... all absolutely brilliant."