"Previously on "In Treatment"..." "My father has always been there for me." "His studio was at home, so there were a lot of models walking around naked." " They were having sex." " How do you know?" "I saw them." "So, why didn't you ever tell your mother what you saw?" "It's not my job to make her face reality!" "I'm the child!" "She's supposed to be smarter than me." "Sophie, in all the weeks that we've been in therapy, you've never once allowed yourself to be angry at your father." "I think that your father made you his accomplice, and he drove this wedge between you and your mother." "Why can't you let yourself be angry at him?" "Why should I be angry at him?" "She's the one who..." " who pisses me off!" " Why?" "Because she's pathetic and annoying and " "And she's always around." " Well... what'd I tell ya?" " It's not four o'clock." "It's five minutes to." "You said we'd be on time." "We're early." "My apologies." "You don't have to wait for me." "Oh, that's all right." "I'll -- take a walk." "I like this neighborhood." "Okay." "Whatever." "But you don't have to." "Your hair looks lovely like this." "Really." "It looks lovely down, too, but there's something really... great... about it when it's up like this." " Mom " " I was gonna say " "No, what, what were you gonna say?" "It was nothing." "What were you gonna say?" "Well, I was just thinking that... after your session, if you weren't busy, that maybe we could do something." "I know, you don't like the shoes that I bought you, but maybe we could go get a different pair." "Or... go get coffee." "What's wrong?" "I'm fine." "Tell me what you were gonna say before." "I have to go." "I'm going to be late." "S01E38:" "Sophie, Week Eight" "Everything is going to shit." "I tried talking to my mom all week." "I just tried again in the car." "I can't say anything to her." "I literally can't." "I feel like there's this lump in my throat... all the time now." "What do you think you'd like to say to her?" "I don't even know." "It's not just one thing." "I just want to talk to her like..." "My dad's been calling... constantly... every day this week, like he's suddenly competing for" ""Most Attentive Father of the Year Award"." "I haven't called him back once." " Why not?" " I don't know." "Why do you think he's calling so often?" "Paul, stop." "I don't know, okay?" "I can't..." "Just give me a fucking break." "Yesterday, on beam... my legs started to shake... like a spasm or something." "I've seen it happen to some of the younger girls when they get scared." "I've never been scared on the beam." "Cy was watching, so he'll probably pull me out of the meet." "I probably won't even get to compete." "I don't think that's gonna happen." "What the hell do you know about it?" "Even if I do compete, how the fuck am I supposed to ace a national tryout if I'm shaking like an epileptic?" "I'll fall apart on the beam and become a joke." "There's something seriously wrong with me." "So, we're going back to this, then?" "That it's all your fault, that there's something seriously wrong with you?" "There is." "I'm all fucked up." "In what way is that?" "Gee, I don't know, Paul." "I ran my bike into a car." "Then, as soon as they wanted to take my cast off, my neck mysteriously wigged out." "Then I took your pills." "And now I have some sort of a flesh-eating disease, I mean, look." "Didn't your dermatologist say there wasn't anything to worry out?" "What the hell does she know?" "She didn't say that it might be stress-related?" "You know that anxiety can manifest itself in all kinds of physical ways." "Some people can get, uh, cramps... migraines... a rash." "So, I'm just a little worried?" "Okay, all better." "Sophie, you're trying to do two big things at the moment." "You know, you're talking to your mother." "You're not just berating her like you used to do, you, you're actually trying to talk to her." "And... you are avoiding your father." "These are extremely difficult things to do because... you've never done them before." "And..." "They could lead to painful places... like telling your mother your father's secrets... and telling your dad that you're angry with him." "Don't you think, that could be causing you a lot of anxiety?" "And that your body is sending up these kind of flares -- in the form of a rash?" "I'm almost certain, Sophie, that there is nothing physically wrong with you." "You don't know that." "I remember once years ago when I was starting my practice," "I moved to the city and..." "got a new apartment." "Everything was going really well, very happy..." "I thought." "And then, one day, I was with a patient and for no reason my heart started to pound, and I couldn't breathe." "I had this ringing in my ears when suddenly my tongue started to swell up." "So, this patient called the ambulance and they -- they took me to the hospital, took me to this room, did all these kinds of tests." "You know what they found in the end?" "What?" "Nothing." "I'd had what they call... an anxiety attack." "Guess I was more... overwhelmed and stressed than I thought I was." "I think, that's bullshit." "Does this look like a little anxiety rash to you?" "Well, doctor, hello?" "Look at me, you shit!" "Am I that much of a freak that you can't even look at me?" "What's the matter, Paul?" "Am I embarrassing you?" "Crossing your boundaries?" "You want to disappear when somebody else wants something from you?" "Do I still seem normal to you?" "Mm-hmm." "I shocked you." "You're shocked." "My teats scared you." "How can they?" "They're just these tiny little things." "Does the size of your breasts... upset you, Sophie?" "Of course not." "It's just what happens to gymnasts." "It's the diet." "When girls stop training they explode." "They gain weight, grow a great big rack and ass, get full periods." "They become normal." "I know it's not normal to be like this, I get that." "I'd say that you had the body of a " "A fucking freak." "I have the body of a child." "But I'm not a child." "Children don't want to kill themselves." "That's true." "Are you thinking about death -- again, Sophie?" "Do you know why?" "Because everything is falling apart around me." "It's what I'm trying to tell you." "It's like that dream I used to have, where the pretty meadow turns to ash, right in front of my eyes." "Except, I'm awake... and I can't make it stop." "You know, I was remembering something that you told me." "The time when you were in the ambulance..." "You remember?" "You wanted to put the mirror outside so that you could see what was going on, and you couldn't see anything except yourself," " Do you remember that?" " So, what?" "Well, I think sometimes, when things go wrong in your life, Sophie, you blame yourself." "Whenever a situation seems difficult, you assume that it's, that it's your fault." "You built this surrogate home with Cy and Darlene, and it fell apart for you." "And you blamed yourself... not Cy." "And you decided to punish yourself by riding your bicycle into a car." "See, the thing is, if you see yourself always as the problem, you're going to create discord, in, in, in the most perfect places." "Did it ever occur to you that Cy was the person responsible for what happened?" " It was my fault." " But why does it have to be your fault?" "Because it is." "That's the second time it's happened." "You mean, it's the second time your home fell apart." "But why would you think that that was your fault?" " I don't know." "It just was " " No, I need you to tell me." " I don't know." " No, it's important for you " " I don't know, Paul." " No, but, I " "Stop it!" "You want me to have some big breakthrough today, I can see that." "Why don't you just tell me what the answer is, and I'll repeat it back to you, and you can put a Gold Star on my forehead?" "What I'm trying to do is help you find your own answers, and I think that you are really close to that." "And I understand how scary that must be." "Have you ever read the Bible?" "Isn't that like..." "illegal for you to ask me that?" "Not really." "It's really just... a subject like any other." "So, you can choose to talk about it or not." "Anyway, in the New Testament," "God is always portrayed as being good and wickedness and evil is a human thing, a human problem." "Actually, it's one of the things that's helped Christianity to spread very quickly." "Can you... can you think, why?" "Because people like to feel shitty about themselves?" "That's it." "Exactly." "We prefer to live in a world where, where God is good and man is bad, rather than a world where God is bad." "So, an evil authority, an unfair government, neglectful parents, that's a pretty scary concept." "Makes your whole life seem... kind of scary and meaningless." "It is one of the reasons why children will blame themselves before their parents." "You told me once that you wanted to move across the country to be with your dad and his new wife, but that they, they didn't have a room for you in her house." "You said that they argued about it and that, eventually, he left her, right?" " Right." " How long did it take him... to... to leave her?" "I don't know, over two years." "Hmm." "And during that whole time, your mother was depressed and... crying constantly, yeah?" "And you wanted to move to your dad and be with him, but you couldn't." "Two years is a long time for a child to be without a safe place to call home." "I told you, he left her because of that." "After two years, Sophie." "I don't understand." "How could he just stop loving me?" "What did I do?" "You didn't do anything." "Isn't there a law somewhere that says, parents have to love their kids forever?" "You're right -- but you must've screwed up somewhere." "Otherwise, how could they treat you like this?" "A father can't just abandon his perfectly normal daughter, swap her for a new family." "A mother can't just fall into a deep depression and ignore her." "Must be your fault." "Maybe, if I had told my mother about the cheating, then, at least, things would be better with her." "Sophie, that is not the sort of responsibility a child should be asked to handle." "Your father cheated on your mother, you didn't tell her, then he left." "You needed that order of events to somehow make sense, so you blamed yourself because nothing else made sense." "Sophie..." "Listen to me." "You saw your dad cheating, and you didn't tell your mom." "Now do you honestly think that that's a reason for you to be abandoned?" "I found my diary from fourth grade." "I used to write in this thing constantly." "Did you ever keep a diary?" "No." "I took it out because I wanted to see if you were right... about how hard it was for me to lie to my mother." "Do you want me to read you what I found?" "I'd be honored." ""Dear Hermione" " " I pretended that I was writing to Hermione Granger." " Who's that?" " You know, from "Harry Potter."" "Tell me, you've read those." "Are you insane?" "I just haven't gotten around to it yet." " They've been out for ten years!" " I know, I know, I know." "I'll bring you my set next week, okay?" "No, that's not necessary, honestly." "My kids have them." " They've read them?" " Uh-huh." "And, and they really love them." "Okay." "Maybe you're not such a fucked-up parent." "Thank you." ""Dear Hermione, it was a terrible day today." "I am so sad." "I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a while." "I know, you must be angry and miss me." "I miss you, too." "I wanted to tell you everything, but I know, I must hide things from you because she might read it." "I'm afraid, from now on, you and I must sustain ourselves."" "What is it?" "I wrote "sustain" instead of "restrain"." "Where did you keep this diary?" "On my night table." "Not hidden away?" "You know, it's a wonderful gift, this diary." "It's a real clue -- to who you are." "There you are, in fourth grade, you're already pulling away from your world, you're establishing a relationship with somebody who cannot let you down:" "Hermione." "You're confiding in her." "But... you're still hoping that your mother -- will notice." "You think, I wanted her to find the diary?" "I think so." "And you wanted her to ask..." "what you're hiding." "You said there, um... it was a terrible day." "What did you mean by that?" "Oh." "It was September 11th." "Wow." "Go on." "Please." "Do I have to read it?" "It's so fucking naive." "I'd like to hear it." ""Today, bad men from other countries hijacked airplanes and flew them into important American buildings." "There were people inside, the planes and the buildings." "Good people." "Dad says, I'm going to inherit an evil world."" "I hate him so much." "I hate him so much." "What kind of a fucking idiot tells a fourth-grader that she's going to inherit an evil world?" "If he really believed that, then why didn't he do something about it instead of running off to L.A. to photograph bimbos?" "Hmm." " So, you're not picking up his calls?" " No way." "So, he doesn't even know that you're angry at him?" "I don't want to talk about this now." "Okay." "But when you're ready, we'll talk about what you want to say to him." "Okay?" "Okay." "So, you really think the rash and spasms are coming from my head?" "Mm-hmm, but that doesn't mean they're not real." "But I don't think that it's, uh, that it's a disease." "So, what do I do about it?" "I think you need to start to forgive yourself." "Forgive myself for what?" "For not telling your mother about your father's affair." "You know, what you have to understand is that they were gonna break up anyway... no matter what you did." "You are not responsible for your parents' actions." "The only actions that we can control are our own." "And the only power we have is how we treat other people and how we treat ourselves." "So... you want me to forgive myself?" "Mm-hmm." "How?" "Slowly." "It's gonna take a while." "It's taken you a few years to fall into this, and it's probably gonna take you a while to get out of it." "But you have to start trying now." "'Cause you know something?" "You deserve to be happy." ""Que lástima"." "Hmm?" "It's from a Spanish song." "It means "what a shame"." "Ah." "Que, que lástima." ""A ciertas luces usted parece una estrella de cine."" "Wow... hmm, my Spanish is dreadful." "What does that mean?" "It means, "In a certain light, you look like a movie star."" "Oh." "Well... gracias." "The competition is on Friday." "Should I go?" "I think so." "I think that you really want to and..." "I agree that you should go." " I have to go." " Okay." "My mom's waiting for me in the car." "She wants to take me shopping." "Oh, shopping." "Wow, that sounds rough." "Listen, if you decide to compete and you start to feel anxious," "I want you to call me, okay?" "You know, don't, don't be shy." "I'm never shy." "Sometimes, I'm circumspect... or wary, but not shy." "I stand corrected." "And listen, if you're up on the beam and your legs start to shake, try, try saying this to yourself:" ""I'm making this happen." "It is coming from inside me, and because I am making it happen," "I can make -- it -- stop."" "Does that really work?" "Mmm, I think it can, yeah." "I used it on myself, a few years ago, and... and it did work." " Okay, I'll try it." " Okay." "Where to?" "Wherever you like, the mall, the movies..." "Let's go home." "Okay." "We can stop for coffee somewhere if you wanted to." " What's wrong?" " Nothing." "We don't have to." "No, we should." "We should do that."