" Good morning Heather." " Hey Ben, Crystal wants to see you, and I tried to call your apartment this morning, but you must have given me the wrong number again." "This time I got Habib's Falafel." "I must have written it down wrong every single time you ask me for it." "It's tough for me to handle your affairs if I don't have access to you all the time," " wherever you are, day and night." " Ok." "I'll give it to you again sometime so that you'll be able to reach me in the... in the nighttime." "Okay." "Man, she's amazing." "I wanna ask her out on a real date, I'm just so nervous to be alone with her." "I'm nervous, too." "I actually eat dinner at Habib's Falafel." "She's closing in." "I've just never liked a girl as much as Heather." "She's sweet and funny and loyal." "Hey, you know she can climb a wall without a rope or anything?" "You know, Roman, are you sure you wanna go on a date with Heather?" "Something could go wrong, and then she'd be like..." "And you'd be the..." " What are you two whispering about?" " Nothing." "Just talking about how hard it is to find the one." "You know, like guys do." "Morning, Gilligan." "I wouldn't say I love that." "Crystal, why did you call us both into your office?" "And just so you know, we've talked about this..." "We are not doing any more scenes from "Lethal Weapon" for you." "I called you here because I want you to meet my prize show dog," "Riverdale Admiral Horatio Nelson Ticklefight." "He does look like a Riverdale Admiral Horatio Nelson Ticklefight." "Nice to..." "Meet you." "What's shakin'?" "As you know, the San Diego dog show is here, and it's Horatio's..." "Last chance to win best in show." "So I need to find the most handsome, charismatic man I know to present my dog." "Now after much consideration, and a rather uncomfortable conversation with Maury Povich," "I've narrowed it down to the two of you." "Crystal, no." "This is ridiculous." "I'm not taking part in some stupid competition that I didn't sign up for." "Good." "Because I chose Alonzo." "And now suddenly, I do wanna take part in it." "Why him?" "Because of his good looks, his general appeal, and the fact that he was a former NBA star." "Alonzo, it would truly be an honor to have you walk my dog in front of a bunch of rich, childless people." "Crystal, was there a reason you called me in here?" "Don't be petty." "I have something for you, too." "I dropped my pen behind my console, and I need your delightfully small hands to retrieve it." "I do not have small hands." "I'll get the pen." "Crystal, I am flattered." "I just don't think a dog show is my thing." "Please." "This is Horatio's last chance." "I'm retiring him on humanitarian grounds." "My vet said his little body can't take any more plastic surgeries." " All right.I'll do it." "Whatever." " Wonderful!" "You have just put a big smile on this little fella's face." "You just can't see it with all the Botox." "I got it." "I have it." "You understand that the reason I could reach the pen was a dexterity issue." "Hey.I need you guys to help me tomorrow." "An old, dear friend from high school who I can't friggin' stand is coming by, and I need to impress her." "Jessica thought she was better than me in high school." "She stole my boyfriend Dan, and now they're married, and she thinks they have this perfect life." "Although I don't know why I really care." " Dan was a face licker." " A what?" " I think she said "face licker."" " I did." "He licked my face when we made out." "But now I feel like I'm in a good place." "I have a job I love, I'm finally dating a great guy." " Thank you, baby." " Yes, thank you, baby." "So you'll come to dinner with us tomorrow, be your amazing self, and just shove it in that dumb hooch's face." "You want me to make your friend feel bad about herself?" "I do." "Sure, babe." "You are such a good man." "Do you need me for anything?" "Does anybody need me for anything?" "Yes." "If you see me with Jessica, come up and say you need my expertise, and hand me an urgent message." "Well, that won't make any sense." "An urgent marketing message?" ""Oh, my God." "The bobbleheads aren't stupid enough."" " You're stupid enough." " Yeah, okay." "I'll do it." " hey, Ben." " Hello, Heather." "You know how you were saying how hard it is to find the one?" "Well, would you ever like to be set up on a date?" "I have the perfect girl for you." "I don't think so, Heather." "I'm not really good at setups." "I'm sure you're great at them and you're a terrific judge of character." "Is that a framed picture of the Unabomber?" "Yeah." "He signed it." "I wanna..." "I wanna go." "I almost forgot." "You have a meeting tonight with pro skateboarder Tony Hawk." "Tony hawk?" "I do?" "I love Tony Hawk." "How did this happen?" "He called, saying he got all your letters asking to include the sunshine center on his tour, and he'd like to have dinner tonight to discuss it." "Tony Hawk." "This is so exciting." "I guess you're right..." "If you pester celebrities long enough, eventually, they have to notice you." "Let's go ahead and send another muffin basket to Carrie Underwood." "Hey, Diane." "I'm here to meet Tony Hawk." "The Tony Hawk, who's here to meet me." "I'm here to meet him, he's here to meet me." "I think I get it." "Right this way." "Hey.I'm sorry.I'm confused." "I'm supposed to be meeting Tony Hawk, and I don't think he'd be wearing that." "I, I think someone's playing a little practical joke on you." "Is it Tony Hawk?" "Does he know me well enough to know that I'd find that funny?" "No." "It's Heather." "I'm her sister." "Okay, I think we're having some sort of misunderstanding." "So I'm gonna go talk to the ropers, and we'll get to the bottom of this." "And, maybe we can meet up later at the regal beagle." "And you can look at a girl and fall off your bicycle into the sand." "Listen, I-I don't think I can do this." "Heather is..." "Insane?" "I was gonna say my assistant, but your word is really, really, really right, too." "Heather is unique, but she does have a really good heart." "But she did not tell me how good-looking you are." "Well, I got myself all gussied up for Tony Hawk." "Funny, too." "Look, I know that this isn't what you were expecting." "So if you wanna go, I-I totally get it." "No, I can..." "I can stay." "You seem great." "Wanna watch me make out with the hostess?" " Really?" " No." "I'm not that great." "No, I..." "listen, I don't have any plans." "I was just gonna go home and remove my pants" " and watch Tootsie again." " I love Tootsie." "That's my favorite movie." " Dustin Hoffman's my favorite actor." " Mine, too!" "I actually do a Dustin Hoffman impression." "I mean, I'm not gonna do it right now..." "Unless you want me to." "I'm gonna do it." "Okay." "This is Dustin Hoffman saying the word "why."" " Why." " Oh, my God!" "That's him!" "That... you are Dustin Hoffman saying the word "why."" " Well, tell me about you." " No, I like talking about you." "So what else are you into?" "Well, I like Hockey, and British bands of the '80s, tennis, and, cartoon bears." "Now you go." "Well, let's see." "I like, Hockey..." "British bands of the '80s, and tennis." "And cartoon bears." "That's funny..." "'Cause you were just repeating all the same things that I said that I liked." "I wanna know what..." "What you like." "It just so happens that I like all the same things that you like." "Okay." "Well, what about Kelly Ripa?" "I love Kelly Ripa." " I love Kelly Ripa." " I don't really love Kelly Ripa." "She's too fit and perky, and she seems to work way too much." "She does work too much." "And why is she so fit?" "You know I don't really love Kelly Ripa." "Remember, chin up, knees high." "Step, step, step, step, step." "It comes from here, not here." "And you should also know, Horatio can be a bit of a drama queen." "So any small surprise move can make him react pretty dramatically." " You got it all?" " Crystal, you need to remember," "I'm used to the intensity of professional basketball." "I-I think I can handle this." "That's right." "You're used to team sports." "So you should be comfortable wearing a uniform." "I had it fitted for you to thematically coordinate with my Admiral." "Not a chance." "Hey, sweetie." "How's it going?" " You look amazing." " Well, I should." "I just spent the last three hours getting ready for this visit with Jessica." "No way has she lost all that baby weight yet." "This is gonna make her hurt." "I don't think this is my favorite side of you." "Hey, Ben." "Before you say anything..." "You told me I was gonna meet Tony Hawk." " I said before you say anything." " Okay." "I'm sorry for tricking you." "I knew if I asked, you would have said no." "But did you have a good time with Stephanie?" "Did you love her?" "I hope you loved her." "She was very agreeable." "She loved you, too." "You should definitely go out with her again." "Yeah." "I'm definitely gonna go out with her again." " Hey, I have an idea." " No, you don't." "What if the four of us go out?" " What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" " This'll be great." " Double the date and double the fun." " Oh, my God." "Sure." "Oh, my God." "Get in my office." "What are you doing to me?" "I don't wanna go out with Stephanie again." "But you said you found her very agreeable." "In this case, it's not a compliment." "She literally agreed with everything I said." " You know how annoying that is?" " Yes." "No." "I don't know what you want me to say." "Let me make this very clear for you..." "I am not going out with Stephanie again." "It's just one date!" "I told you, I'm nervous to be alone with her." "What are you talking about?" "You're alone with her all the time in the office." "I know, but there's something about being on a real date that just changes everything." "Opening doors and paying for stuff..." "Is it five pats of butter or is it six pats of butter?" " What the hell are you buttering?" " I don't even know, that's why I need you there." " Listen, Roman, this woman is..." " Ben, please." "I like Heather so much, and I know I'm gonna blow this on my own." "Will you do this for me?" "One date." "Yes!" "Thank you so much!" "I do have one more question." " Is it about butter?" " I do not have any more questions." "It's so cool that you have this place right here in the arena." "Yeah, we got everything..." "Nightclub, used puck bags." " Hockey." " We both love hockey." "Roman, perhaps you've got an interesting story about hockey, or a colorful anecdote?" "Well..." "I used to play hockey." "I never played hockey." "I think that was a great story, Roman." "There was a beginning and an end, and a couple of twists in there." "I really enjoyed the ride." "What a twisty story from beginning to end." "I, too, enjoyed the ride" "okay, well, we should get some food going." "You guys sit tight." "I'll go to the kitchen and find out what's going on." " It's hard to have dinner without dinner." " It is hard to have dinner without dinner." "Boy." " Hey, buddy." " Hey.What are you doing here?" "Ben, I'm about to do a dance walk with a Yorkie who looks eerily like Bruce Jenner." "I thought I'd throw back a few." "How 'bout you?" "I'm on a double date with Heather and her sister." "Heather's sister?" "Really?" "Yeah, it's not serious." "I'm just doing it for Roman tonight." "Then it's over." "She's really weird." "Look, Ben, I'm not supposed to reveal this information, but under the circumstances..." "The details are fuzzy, but what I heard was, the guy Heather lit on fire was her sister's ex-boyfriend." "Apparently, Heather is pretty protective of her sister." "Like, dude's-got-skin-from-his- butt-on-his-face protective." "That wasn't fuzzy." "What was fuzzy about that?" "But Heather's better now, right?" "She works here, she's better." "You have to hope so." "Look, if I were you, I'd be very careful how you end it." "In fact, get her to break up with you." " That way you can avoid..." " Death?" " Yes." " I'd like to." "I'd like to avoid death." "Good luck with that." "I gotta go." "These jazz shoes are murdering my toes." "Number 16, Ricky McThorson..." "Number 23..." "And now, being walked by Alonzo Pope," "Riverdale Admiral Horatio Nelson Ticklefight..." "Let's do this thing, Ticklefight." " Number 19." " It's your year, baby." "All right, Alonzo!" "Hey, 'zo!" "Alonzo!" "Represent, man!" "Well, what's up, San Diego?" "I see you!" "What you gon' do?" "Bow, wow, wow, baby." "And that was it." "That's when I knew exactly how I felt about slinkies." "That was a great story, Roman." "Much better than my story about the day I learned" "I had the power that I could heal scrapes and bruises with my mind." "Roman, why don't we give these two lovebirds some privacy?" " I have to pee." " You need me?" "I just want you to stand outside the door, hold my purse and make sure no looky-loos pop in." " Okay." " Okay." "I'm gonna take her to the restroom." "You made this happen." "So, Stephanie, you mentioned you like living alone." "That sounds really nice." "I'd love to live on my own, if I could ever move out from living with my mom." " You live with your mom?" " Yes.We're incredibly close." "We cuddle, hold hands, kiss." "We're close." "I kiss my mom, too." "I kiss her all over her face." "Here you are." "Well, it's just for the time being, you know, while money's tight." "Speaking of which, could I borrow some money?" " You want me to loan you money?" " Yes, I do." "Don't you find that weird and off-putting?" "It's only weird if you think I'd expect it back from you." "That yours to keep, fella." "Good." "Food's here." "Oh, before we eat, Heather and I wanted to make a toast." "To Ben, thank you so much for being here tonight." "It meant a lot to me." "And, to you and Steph, our favorite new couple." "I hope you guys stay together forever and ever." "So don't you ruin this, mister." "Don't you break both of our hearts." "Let's eat." " Did you just lick my face?" " Yeah." "I am really into that." " Well, I'm not." " I'm not, either." " Okay, that's it." " You know what?" "That is it." "Sit down." "I should be sitting." "I know how important this was to all of you that this work out, but, Stephanie, I'm sorry." "We're not right for each other." "We're too similar." "And they say opposites attract, so..." "Roman, I was trying to be here for you throughout all of this, but come on." "Heather, I'm not sure how you're gonna react to this." "But I just want to let you know that I like my butt, and I don't want any of it anywhere on my face." "I understand, Ben." " You do?" " Yeah." "Sometimes these things don't work out." "That's very calm of you." "I just thought, you're both attractive and single, and with your healthy narcissism and her desperate need to please, you guys would be a perfect match." "That actually makes sense." "Does that make sense, Ben?" "Does it?" "I don't understand." "You're not agreeing with me." " What's happening right now?" " What's happening is..." "We were getting along perfectly." "I don't think we were." "You were just repeating everything I said." "I was trying to be polite!" "I mean, what... what do you want me to do?" "Tell you what I really think?" "That Tootsie sucks?" "And just because a girl laughs once at your Dustin Hoffman impression doesn't mean you have to do it every time you say the word "why."" "Why.Why.Why.Why.Why.Why.Why.Why. Why, why, why, why, why!" "Stephanie, stop it." "I thought you changed, but you do this every time." "You think the only way that you can get with a guy is if he agrees with everything you say like a psycho." "But big surprise, it scares him off." "It's not me." "I'm awesome." "Who says that one of their favorite things are cartoon bears?" "That's called "a secret." Seriously, this guy's a loser." "Okay, that's enough." "Do you know how hard it was for him to do this?" "To be that honest?" "To be that mature?" "This is a stunted, stunted man." "But he's also a great guy, a great boss, and a great friend." "Have you seen how he spent the entire date trying to make Roman feel comfortable so he could have a good first date?" " You saw that?" " I did.But you don't need him." " Whatever." " Know what?" "I can do much better than him." "Are you joking?" "Think about all the losers you've gone out with." " You're one to talk." " You remember that one guy who said his friend was gonna get us free cable, but he fell off the roof..." "And smashed mom's rabbit hutch?" "Why don't you check his pockets for all the butter he squirreled since we sat down?" "I'm gonna go." " I should slap you." " I should slap you." "I'm gonna stay." "You the man, z!" "Come on, Alonzo!" "Yeah, z!" "You know it!" "Alice.You would not believe the night that I have had." "This is my friend Jessica." " Hi, Jessica." " Hey." "Jessica!" "I have an urgent message for you." "What is it?" "We didn't discuss what the urgent message would be." " She can hear you." " I'm whispering." "Hey-o!" "We did it." "We did it." "Alonzo Pope is back." "That felt good." "I haven't been in the spotlight in a while, so I thought my need for glory was gone." "But something about hearing that crowd made me realize, it's still in me." "And it's alive, so alive." "Fantastic!" " Thank you for your help." " I'm not done yet." "Best in show round is next." "We 'bout to kick some pooch ass." "Yeah." "Here's the thing..." "Since this is the final round in Horatio's short life," "I'd like to present him." "You know, for sentimental reasons." "Well, that's not fair." "Hand me the dog." " No." " No?" " No!" " Hand me the dog, Alonzo!" "Crystal, we've come too far!" " Alonzo..." " Would you..." " Give him!" " Honey?" "Hey, baby." "Hey.You must be Jessica." "Hey." "Give me the dog back." "That's the boyfriend you've been bragging about?" "Captain Stubing fighting over a Scottie?" "Well, that's a Yorkie, and he's actually a finalist..." "In a quite prestigious regional dog show." "Hand over Mr. Ticklefight, Crystal!" "Alonzo, no sudden moves." "He'll recede intnto his shell." "Great." "You've shut down Horatio." "Well, congratulations." "You've clearly snagged a good one." "Well, no." "He's not usually..." "M-most othe time..." "You know what, Jessica?" "He is a good one, and I don't care what you think." "And you know what else?" "I'm glad you stole Dan." "He's a dirty face licker." "Hey!" "I'm your Commanding Officer." "And I order you to wake up, sailor!" "I'm really sorry about tonight." "That's not how I wanted dinner to go." "No." "That's okay." "I had fun." "The truth is, I was really excited to go on a date with you." "Maybe next time, we should go without the crazies." "Yeah." "Hey." "Did you see that?" " You made that happen." " No." "It was all you, buddy." "And you were right about her." "She's a great girl." "Heather?" "I have something for you." "It's my phone number, and that one will work." "Great." "Thanks, Ben." "You've earned it." "So is this the number to the cordless phone in the kitchen, or the oldfashioned one on your nightstand?" "Nightstand." "Thank you." "Thank you... thank you."