" Do you want me to hold this so you..." " No, that's fine..." "But we both need to talk into it so maybe, put it in the middle of us." "Wait, not with your headphones because you're going to be yelling otherwise." " Oh, right." " You got your headphones on and you got this thing in your hand and you're like, "I'll hold this."" "How do we, uh, how do we wanna do this?" "Do you wanna... should I just..." "Just, just start at the beginning of the story." "Right, so..." "So you know, when I think about our extended family" " I always felt like growing up, I was the odd man out." " Mmm-hmm." "But now I think it's all relative." "Like, you know, my entire life," "I got made fun of for having a big nose." "People called me Gonzo." "So I always thought this nose was kind of my obstacle to greatness." "And then recently, I was getting fitted for a hat" " as an actor." " Mmm-hmm." "And the guy goes..." ""You have an unusually small head."" "After all these years, I find out that my nose was perfect." "It was my head that was small!" "Wait, how did..." "See what I'm saying?" "So like, you know, like, in terms of the family maybe I'm not the one who's out of place, maybe it was an analogy..." "Rav, can you just get..." "Start the story." "So, start, start it with the trip to India." "Right." "So, story starts two years ago." "Here in LA," "I had just broken up with Audrey and I was miserable." "We'd been together for two years and I had never told Mom and Dad about her, in fact, they were freaking out because you know, here I was, almost thirty, never married, which in our culture is like..." " Code red." " Code red!" "And to make things worse, two weeks after this breakup," "I had to go on our annual family trip to India." "My dear, when are you going to get married?" "You know, the later you show up to a restaurant, the more limited the menu." "My prince, you're killing us." "Zone two?" "No?" "Do you want us to die without the grandchildren?" "You know, Champa, I don't even think he wants to get married!" "Don't do what Geeta did to us." "You and your sister can't live together forever!" "If he wanted to get married..." "He would be married!" "You know that girl in Eat, Pray, Love, you know, she goes through a break-up, goes on the existential journey to India to get over depression, find out what she really wanted in life?" "I was that girl." "Except, my family was with me the entire time." "The entire time." " Let's go, Geeta!" " Geets, come on!" "Ahhh!" "Oh, you have to buy one now, the guy's been working..." "Four, five." "Hey!" "I look too sexy for this." "And behind the camera was you, sister." "Yeah." "Documentary filmmaker, but by no means a cinematographer." "That's why for the next hour and a half, we will be treated to footage that is out of focus, poorly framed, and often has a microphone in the upper right hand corner." "We are having a great time with the family." "Next time, we are going to come with the grandchildren." "Here's the thing." "In Mom and Dad's eyes," "I had never had a girlfriend and I had no idea how to get a girlfriend." "Right." "So in their mind, it's like," ""Hey, we're going to India, it's our last chance" ""and maybe we can get him to get married the way we did."" "Why do our marriages survive at a higher rate than the American marriage when you say, "I have to be falling in love," ""and it has to click." Where you know the girl for a year or two the way Americans do and still 50% of the marriages fail," " the reason is compatibility, value, the belief." " Yeah." "Like we got married, me and Mom," "I only talked to her 10 minutes." "Does that mean you think that works for me as well?" " Absolutely!" " Absolutely." " If you ask me, 100%, I believe..." " Yeah." "...from the bottom of the heart, not even a doubt." "Everything affects our thinking and liking whether you are going to put up with the person or not, if your, if her food habits are different." "Food habits is the first reason?" "No, no, I'm giving you a reason at random." "You want to focus on a girl who has same value in the life and have been raised same way you have, and especially keeping in mind the religion is same." "Now, we're not saying every Indian family is good for you." "That is why we select." "You had to check the family and the background because you only get 10 minutes to meet the person." "Whereas I'm saying, you date the person." " You get a better sense of who a person is..." " No, no, no by spending time with that person than by finding out who their family is." " That's why there's a matchmaking." " Aha!" "If this girl is good with that boy but that boy is good with this girl, so everybody is good, everybody gets married at the end." "All the girls and all the boys get married." "What would be the downside of me marrying a white girl?" "A white girl, a white girl?" "Let's say American, let's say a white American girl." "Here's where it gets a little tricky..." "I have a huge family, all last name Patel." "And here's the thing, they're all married to Patels." "See, these are the rules of being a Patel, you're supposed to marry someone who's also named Patel." "Now, it's not incest." "It's..." "it's like a caste thing." "It means... uh, that they're from this small little region of India." "Where we come from, actually our hometown's probably, I want to say 90%..." "Eighty to 90% Patel is Patels." "The story starts she's from Anand." "I am from Dharmaj." "My brother got married to her sister." "I was only 18, she was 14." "We decided that both families, you know, liked each other." "And then we were told that we are going to meet each other at this person's house and our parents were waiting outside and we went in the room and given five minutes to take care of it." "We had a guy in the middle of us so there's no hanky-panky." "In India, the girls don't have much of a say in those days." "Girls have to get married to who their parents say, so I said, "No, that's not fair."" "I said, "If you have anything in your mind," ""you want to marry someone else, let me know," ""and I will say no." ""So that way, you don't have to say no."" "I went back and told my family," "I said, "This is the girl I want to marry."" "It took five minutes though..." "Right?" "We never said anything, just hi, hello, and that's it." "Let's get married." "And let's get married." " Right." " Right?" "And I'm supposed to get a girl from where?" "Ideally." "It's a triangle." "That would be ideal for Patel." "Uh-huh." "So if I found a girl from this," " Kapadvanj in Kheda..." " Hmm." "Oh, you're shaking your head already, that's way too far?" "How far apart do they have to be for it to be justified?" "Well, usually there should be no relation." "Because everyone is probably still, a lot of these people are probably still related way down the road." "I'm pretty sure they are at some point, but I don't know that much history of it." "Before we go any further, let me just take you back." "Take it from the top, one, two, three..." "India 1945, Dad entered the world." "Twenty-two years later, Dad's entire village pooled their money to send him to America." "You know I came to America with eight dollars in my pocket?" "That's all, that's all I had." "Look at me now." "1967, Dad enrolled at Michigan Tech." "He and six other guys from India shared one room and one bank account." "You know, I had to look up every word in the dictionary, every word." "Having a weak English lexicon left me feeling lugubrious, acrimonious, cantankerous." "I'm sorry, am I being superfluous?" "Look at me now!" "1972, Dad's dad called him and told him..." "It's time to get married!" "Dad flew to India, got an arranged marriage, came back with Mom." "You know some people they date, then they get married?" "We did it opposite." "Look at me now." "I don't know how they fell in love, but they are the happiest couple I've ever seen." " 1975, you were born..." " Yup." "Three years later, I was born." "I had a very happy childhood, but the older I got, the more I lived a double life." "At home, I was Indian Ravi, I spoke Gujarati, hung out with Indians, I watched Indian movies." "Outside the house, I was American Ravi." "Hi, Ma!" "I spoke English, hung out with Americans, watched American movies..." "My, my dating history is short." "Growing up, dating wasn't allowed." "In fact, if a girl ever called the house," " there was an interrogation afterwards." " Right." "The expectations were clear," "I was gonna have a perfect Indian wife." "She'd be a wonderful mother, a great cook, that was the plan." "So I was shocked when the first girl I really fell for was..." "Hey, we're on hayride." "A redhead from Connecticut." "♪ Doe, a dear a female deer. ♪" "Audrey was my first and only girlfriend, ever." "Okay, I look a little weird because, um, I'm on night vision." "We're gonna get in trouble!" "You're really high up!" "You know, we were pretty serious." "Um, Madonna, Snoop Doggy Dog, oh, he's a, he's a painter, he's a computer guy?" "What?" "She has so many amazing qualities." "I mean, just that she could dance at a drop of a hat for no reason." "She has a lot of sensibilities that most 50-year-old mothers have..." "She loves a good how-to book." " Any puppy videos..." " Aww." "If there's a video online where people are crying, she's watching it and she's crying too." "I mean, we were together for two years, and it definitely felt like," ""Okay, it's time to tell Mom and Dad that she exists."" "That was good, right?" "But somehow, there was still something else inside me, like in my gut, that just didn't sit well, and I didn't really know what it was." "Is there a term for it, the Indian Problem?" "I said, "Look, I just can't live this double life anymore." ""You know, I..." "I can't hide this relationship from my parents," ""it's not fair to you or them."" "And I, I don't know, I just couldn't do it anymore." "So..." "We broke up." "It's not the idea of marrying a girl that's a problem," "I, 100%, I would get married..." "You know, I'm 29, I want to be married, but for me specifically, I don't want to..." "You know, doing it like a job interview." "In a best-case scenario," "I think I could marry a girl six months after meeting her." "Hey, that was different though, man." "No, no, no, no." "I know the process!" "No, no, no, no." "Right." "It gets me stressed out just thinking about it." "I think I just never questioned that I would find the girl I want and I would find her in kind of a normal, American way, like in the movies..." " Ray!" " Excuse me" " In the middle of nowhere..." " Can I help you?" "it would be romantic..." "You complete me..." "You had me at hello..." "And I wouldn't need my parents to do it for me, cause it's pathetic!" " I mean, they're setting up the dates." " Right." "In my case, they're probably, texting me in the middle of it." "And then you're waiting to find out whether you get a second date, not from her but from Mom and Dad." "From Mom and Dad." "It's like, it's like exactly the relationship I have with my acting agents." "Like they'll call me up and be like..." "My prince, my prince, darling, baby, good news." "Talked to Seema's parents, looks like they want to bring you in for a callback!" "Vasant, coffee!" "So here's the deal, it's going to be Friday night, you're going to take her to Chinese." "Now listen, they love you." "Don't do anything new." "Same stuff." "Nothing tricky, we're hearing it's between you and two guys named Raj." "All right?" "Oh and, hey, Ravi, good luck, don't blow it." "Hit the girls." " So the next stop was Dad's village." " Right..." "There's literally a pile of crap everywhere you go, they need to figure out how to potty-train the cows, right?" "Dad's village is like the belly of the beast." "Right, cause we are related to everybody." "Yeah, and they all immediately had one question..." "Imagine the most annoying person in your family, who's kinda always in your business, asking all sorts of questions and you're trying to just get out of the situation." "Now imagine an entire village filled with that person." "Like in The Matrix, you know where that bad guy is, like, multiplying over and over again." "Dad's one of the most respected people I know, but Mom might be an even bigger deal because she is known as a matchmaker." "So it's a huge failure in Mom's eyes that her own kids aren't married, and she's the best in the business." "December's actually wedding season in India, meaning Indians from all over the world come to India, not just to meet each other, but..." " To marry..." "Yeah." " To marry each other." "Everyone except for us." "No." "No." "Wow!" "When too many people like us are telling you that, my prince, this thing works, at least you need to close your eyes, one day, for 24 hours and think, all these people are telling you." "And think that there could be some truth." "The whole world cannot be wrong." "Yeah, the whole world cannot be wrong, my prince." "I remember sitting there, and I'm looking at Mom and Dad on stage and, you know, this charity, that..." "And this whole event which is put on just because of their own efforts and, you know, it reminded me just how much I love our family and how much I love our culture." "Where we're from." "Yeah, you know, when I have kids," "I kinda wanted them to have the same feeling, the same experience." "And grow up the way we did." "Yeah, and go on trips like, like these." "Yeah." "And that's when it all became clear to me that, you know, maybe that's why I had broken up with Audrey, because, you know, I wanted this." "So what happened?" "What changed your mind?" "I guess I had this realization that... whenever in my head I imagined who it was that I was gonna marry, it was this Indian girl." "Yet, here I was, almost 30 and I hadn't found one yet, and I started doing the math." "I mean, when we were in India, it was like, looking around, there's Indians everywhere, those guys have it easy." "But I live in America, and here I am looking for an Indian girl, who's Gujarati, and Patel more specifically." " And single." " And female, by the way, and all these other normal things that people look for, cute, smart, funny." "And she has to love you." "She has to love me, I have to love her, we have to find each other." " I mean, there's a lot of odds stacked against me." " Right." "And then here Dad was saying, "Trust me," ""this is gonna work," and I was like, ya know what?" " Maybe, maybe I'm being close-minded." " Right." "This system has worked for so many people..." "People that are like me." "I'm so happy!" "Little punk." "♪ Dashing through the snow In a one-horse open sleigh" "♪ O'er the fields we go Laughing all the way" "♪ Bells on bob-tail ring Making spirits bright" "♪ What fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight ♪" "National Lampoon Comedy Radio XM 154, back in the studio, uh, people aren't normally invited back so quickly but I..." "I love him, I do, uh Ravi Patel, welcome back." "I have missed you so." "You're first generation?" "I'm first generation, you know, it's a generally strict culture, specifically the kind of Indian that I am, which is Gujarati." "I'd say about 50% of the Indians that you meet in America are Gujarati, Patels, Patel's a very com..." "There are..." "I know a lot of Patels." "Yeah, Patel's very common," " like, my name, Ravi Patel is like John Smith." " Right!" "Patels are hardcore, and there's so many of you." "They're useless vegetarians, you're physically small humans." "The first word that came to mind was "cheap."" "Patels own motels or own hotels or, you know, 7-Elevens." "If I pay to stay somewhere, it's purely as a result of me not making enough phone calls." "You know, it's really like Gujarati people in America are often the working class in India that came over." "I came to America actually in December '67." "When our children came to a marriage age, there was a need for some kind of matchmaking, girl to a boy." "This book gives the names and addresses of all the 24 villages." " And these are all Patels!" "All Patels." " Oh yeah." "All Patels." "Problem is, all the Patels who came, they are spread all over 50 states in America." "How do you still follow the same system that was workable back home in the small area but not workable here because of the geographic, you know, the distance." "So what happened?" "What happened is they invented the bio-data." "The bio-data is a sheet of paper, like a resume, that the parents pass around to help them make an informed decision when they're making matches." "Nobody writes their own bio-data." "It's done by committee and it's a very rosy picture of yourself that really isn't you." "I never gave my mom an actual physical bio-data," "I refused, I was like," "I'm not going to resume myself out on a piece of paper, and she's like, "Give me a resume,"" "and so I sent her my work resume." "I've never seen mine," "I've never, 'cause I just don't want to know." "I go to a wedding and I run into this lady." "She's like, "Oh, my God, come sit down next to me," ""you are just... you're so wonderful," ""and gosh, you know, had your dad" ""sent a better picture of you," ""you could have been my daughter-in-law."" "And I'm like..." "Here's what's on my bio-data, date of birth, height, weight, occupation, education, hobbies, and then there's stuff I have no interest in, like parent's location and work history," "sibling location and work history, horoscope, caste, skin complexion, there's "wheatish brown,"" "I think I've seen "almond brown."" "It's like the lighter you are, the more attractive you are." "They talk about the homely, wheatish complexion girl," "I mean, it's a running joke." "Well, one, the word homely is used wrong." "Hey, Hasmukh, what's up?" "Listen, got your daughter's bio-data, oh, great job, I mean, PhD." "Really?" "Okay, see, here's the thing." "Um, Raj is more of a wheatish brown, he's just, yeah, he's just had a good life, and we've kept him out of the sun on purpose." "So good to talk to you, and good luck with that dark daughter of yours..." "Congrats again on the PhD, great job." "So after I gave Mom and Dad my bio-data, they could officially release it into the marketplace." "Within weeks, my bio-data was in the hands of uncles, aunts, family friends and complete strangers." "Now while my bio-data was circulating out there in the marketplace, Mom and Dad were simultaneously receiving other people's bio-datas." "Then what they do is filter them based on what type of women they think would be a good fit for me." "Looks good, so I'm going to forward this to Ravi, okay?" "And by the end of January," "I got my first batch of bio-datas." "Dad sent me 20 bio-datas, so basically, 20 pictures and resumes of matrimonial candidates, which is totally normal." "Right?" "This is the one I like the most, she's 28, she's 5'4", 124 pounds..." "Is she getting one of these of you?" "I would imagine, yeah." "And can she also veto or give the thumbs-up?" "Yeah, this is her preferences, oh, they have a preferences section at the bottom." " Ooh!" " "Hindu, Gujarati speaking," ""must have moderate family and religious values." ""Preferences:" "Academic or professional career."" "I don't know how I got this." "Now, phone-call phase is, it's straight up cold-calling," ""Hey, my name is Ravi," ""my mother Champa gave me your bio-data," ""which was given to her by Kokila-bhen" ""who was given to her by Mahendra-bhai" ""who happens to be your uncle, I think."" "I love that I get to watch this." "This is so weird." "I mean, wait, so when I'm talking to you during the date at some point, I'm gonna talk to you, right?" "No, why would you talk to me during the date?" " Just pretend you're not there the whole time?" " Yeah!" "What, Ravi..." "That's how this is done, I'm supposed to pretend like you're not there." "You're just having a date, I'm just filming." "This whole..." "That's not "just anything," that's weird." "That's just weird." "I'm a little nervous, this is like uh, really weird." " I'm nervous too, okay, you're not the only one." " Okay, good." "Do you want a drink, by the way?" " Are you gonna get one?" " Yeah." "Like, I've played a doctor like, 30 times." " Really?" "Typical." " Yeah." "Yeah, I know, it's the next best thing for my parents." " I have a lot of um, Asian friends," " Okay." "so we'll go like dinner, karaoke..." "It's so much fun." "Wait, hold on, time out, why do you have so many Asian friends?" "Well, I started off as a computer science major." "I love chocolate, but what girl doesn't?" "I'm a big..." "I'm a big chocolate fan." "You like chocolate too." "My parents love talking about blood pressure, forever they've always been talking, BP, what's your BP?" "Yeah." "So what'd you think of her?" "I think she's really cool." "I don't know, we'll see." "I don't know, what'd you think?" "You were there, what'd you think?" "I guess that's the upside afterwards I can be like, "So what did you think?" ""Should we, uh, should we call her back?"" ""I don't know, Geeta, what do you think?" ""I don't know if she's for us."" "So, there's this one time we're on this family trip driving through Tennessee in the station wagon, we had to stop somewhere for the night." "Of course, we're Patels, we're cheap, we always stayed in motels." "Then we get to the motel." "Of course, it's owned by a Patel." "That was every trip." "Dad looks back at me with this grin, 'cause he knows he's hit the jackpot." "Somehow, this is going to save us money." "He goes in, he goes," ""Hey, you know we need a room for the night."" "The guy looks up." ""Patel?"" ""Patel."" "Next thing I know, we're having dinner with them." "I remember, I'm like, laying on the carpet, like changing channels on the TV like it's my place." "Dad is talking to this uncle, who we just met!" "And it's like they've known each other forever..." "Mom's in the kitchen cooking, you know, making samosas..." "It was like a family reunion." "It was almost as if we had made the trip just to see them." "And of course, the next day we leave." "And I don't know that we ever talked to them again." "I don't think we did." "That's what I love about being Patel." "They don't keep score, they don't count favors." "You are unconditionally a part of the biggest family in the world." "Hey, Dad..." "I'm good." "Hey, so listen, there's a lot of girls from other parts of the country, there's a lot of girls from Toronto." "Yeah, that's the problem, like, what I'm supposed to like..." " Pretty impressive." " Yeah, that was..." "Would have been more impressive if you..." "Met the woman of your dreams." "Yeah, I mean, I didn't come out of that trip feeling like "Oh, I just met the one."" "But I came out of that trip feeling like," ""Okay, I think I will."" "And uh, by the way, I felt accomplished just having gone on 15 dates around the country." " That's crazy." " Yeah, right, but for them, 15 was a huge number." "I mean, Dad found Mom after 12 women." "Yeah but he's clearly better at this than I am." "I've probably been on 1 to 200." "What?" "Yeah." "I've been doing this since I was 20." "And how many of those resulted in second dates?" "None." "Well, we should be talking about you then." "I mean, why are you failing?" "So they were, like, trying to pressure me into like, getting an arranged marriage and I'm like, no, I don't want to do it, they were like, let's put an ad in the paper," "'cause that's what a lot of people do is they go there, they put an ad in the classifieds." "In the matrimonial section..." "The classified is labeled matrimonial." "It's like, "Seeking an alliance for our daughter..."" "That's like Victorian England." "The fact that the term alliance is used..." " Alliance is the right word." " Alliance is the right word, yeah." ""Homely and comely," whoever knows what that means." ""Homely and comely, wheatish complexion."" "From my perspective, that sounds" " incredibly racist or odd, you know..." " Yeah." "...but like, right?" "It does, doesn't it?" "They sell a lotion in India called Fair And Lovely, and people like, lather it onto their skin." " It's a skin-bleaching lotion?" " A skin-bleaching lotion..." " No way." " ...to try and get lighter." "They have a male version now that's called Fair And Handsome." "Oh!" "Fair skin is a big deal." "Like, right now, if my mom saw me in the sun right now, she'd be like, "Ahh, your marriage value is plummeting!"" "I got to tell you, like, based on what I've gone through with my parents so far, like I hope it does work, I really do." "You really do?" "You hope it does?" "Absolutely, like, look, if the end is that I end up with a girl that I think is amazing and I want to be with..." "I guess I'm just confused because you've been with somebody who you love and think is amazing and you do want to be with and now you guys are broken up which happens and is fine, but like that prospect is totally gone" "if this works out." "Hey." "How are you?" "Sister's great, she's uh, she's in Charlotte right now and it's awesome." "I've recently..." "Yeah, I love when she leaves." "How has your life been not being Facebook friends with me?" "Nothing, it was just a bit of an earth-shattering moment for me," "I didn't know about it until like two weeks in, and then I realized," "I don't even know how I figured it out," "I'm sure I tried to go to your profile and I wasn't your friend." "Yeah." "What?" "Did..." "Have I dealt with my inability to commit?" "Huh." "How do you deal with that kind of thing?" "Um," "I don't know how to deal with commitment issues." "I mean, you either have them or you don't, right?" "Or like, you have them until you commit, is that how it goes?" "Yeah, so then I still have them." "How do we end this?" "What do we..." " Do we just say bye?" " Umm." "Well, when do we talk again?" "Do we have to like set a date, or do I like, have to wait another six weeks or something?" "Oh, yeah, so I'm just calling you whenever, like I'll call you, like in a month or something?" "It's good talking to you, Audrey." "All right..." "All right, talk to you later, bye." "Well... she's, I mean..." "I'm telling you, our odds are going to be much better if you find girls that are in America," "American-born and also... you know, tend to have a mixture of friends culturally, 'cause that to me is the ultimate indicator." "Okay." "Okay, you're probably right about that, yeah." "♪ ♪" "This one?" "It's 17.99 a month." "And then I got to pay for every date I go on, obviously." "Well, yeah, you have to pay for the dates... well, you don't have to, you can split the dates." "Dutch on the first date," " unless you like them..." " Do you do that?" "Have you ever gone Dutch on a date?" "I am a man seeking a woman." "Okay, which best describes your body type." "Go with, "Athletic and toned."" "I am athletic and toned!" "No, you're not, you have a few extra pounds." ""Graduate student in neurobiology."" ""Science geek"!" "Yeah I'm going after her, she's awesome." "This girl is awesome." "Strategically placed tattoo, yeah, that's so hot." "She's great, she's just great." "All right, so I'll pick you up at like, 8:00?" "Okay." "Neeta." " Hi!" " Hi, are you Heena?" " Hima." "Yeah." " Hima, oh, I'm sorry." " Ravi." " Hi." "I'm gonna have to come up with more constraints, this has 566 matches." " Are you a wedding planner?" " Yes I am." "Her name is..." "Seema?" "Well Mom, she didn't even email me back." "I can't reply to myself!" "The good news is if, uh, match doesn't work, you get your money back in like six months, so it's more like a savings account." "Look at that." "That's a fun..." "This is a fun girl." "Are we supposed to get like, a knife or something?" "No, you just dig in, like Indian style." "Hey Seema, I'm Ravi..." "Yeah, not so good there." "Don't do anything sneaky with the camera..." " Okay." " I'm, I'm dead serious." "This girl's gonna be cute." " Nope." " Ohh..." "See ya." "I don't know, there is something cool about showing up and feeling like you already know so much about" "the other person, like..." "We all have kind of like the exact same upbringing." "Right, like especially with this dating stuff, like..." "No!" "I mean, we talk about that stuff..." "No, that's what I'm telling you, it's like... it's like a support group or something." "It's supposed to dry, it will dry on the way." "I have a system." "Bye." "How did it go?" "Rav?" " Huh?" " How did it go?" "How do you know that?" "Well, see, I don't even know dating that well," "I haven't done it that much, okay?" "I really haven't, like..." "I don't date, right?" "I went through this like four-year period, I decided..." "I mean, I would even tell my friends about this, that I decided that I wanted to date an Indian girl and if the only way I could do that is if I literally, cut myself off from everything else," "that I was starving so bad for, a woman, and knowing that that was the only way..." "That I would go after it that much harder." "And it didn't work." "When was this?" "Right before Audrey..." "I thought it would help me get closer to finding an Indian." "I did the same thing." "You did the same thing?" "Even though I was born here and considered American, it wasn't like I ever really considered myself American." "I've never seen my parents kiss, like intimacy wasn't something, did you guys have that?" "I saw my dad kiss my mom on the cheek one time and I was like, "Whoa!"" "You know, they'd put me to sleep, we'd rattle off all the different Hindu God names, at the end they'd say, "Okay, study hard," ""no boys, no blacks, no Muslims, good night."" "My grandmother is probably the most racist human being I've ever met but she's, like, the most lovable human being." "They just look in a tunnel and they can't kind of see outside of that." "I wasn't allowed to date, girls weren't allowed to call the house." "When I got to college, there was a ton of Indian people, right, most of the girls, they, I called them "Snapback girls,"" "those were the ones that I always went after..." "I didn't date anyone, till..." "They were never allowed to date in high school, right, or their whole lives, so when they got to college, the freedom, oh, my God!" "And I was in a fraternity..." "I don't know how to really talk to men in order to let them know that I would be interested in them, or how to like, play the game, and like, you know, have them hunt me," "or whatever they're supposed to do." "Yeah, Mom, come sit, let's do cheers!" "I love that we're celebrating your anniversary in sweatpants." "Okay, cheers!" "Happy anniversary." " Happy anniversary!" " Thank you." "Happy anniversary to us!" "My kids are the lovely kids." "I go upstairs." "She's sitting in a chair or a stool or something." "Probably a little intimidated because this guy is from America." "I was the one who asked the questions." "And she never asked me any question." "Which was a big set-up because she never opened her mouth there but she never shut up after the marriage." "But let me tell you, when I talked to him, we only talked maybe 10 minutes." " And even then..." " And he made me laugh..." "Like crazy." "I asked her, one of the questions was, and this is true," ""How far have you traveled?"" "She said, "I traveled all the way to Pavagadh."" "Now, Pavagadh is only 30 miles away." "So she thought that was far?" "To her that was a big accomplishment, I guess." "Vasant, that's not true." "I mean, you know, how can I disappoint her in life when she's happy with 30-mile travel?" "But you know what the bottom line is, Ravi?" "I still believe, when you are ready, you will find a girl." "Just like a guru, they said in the Bhagavad Gita." "Bhagavad Gita says, "When you are ready for a guru," ""you don't ever look for a guru." ""Guru will come to you."" "I know that, I know that at the end of all these failed dates, you guys just see failure." "But what I see is that it's helped me figure out what I want." "I see progress." "I see that, oh, I've figured out that, you know what..." "But you know what, I'm learning." "I'm learning." "Now I know what kind of girl I want." "Oh, I got a ticket." "God." "Oh, God." "Do you have to do it this way?" "Ready?" "Okay, ready?" "Okay." "Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?" " Not really." " So, what do you think?" "Notice anything different?" "Hair color, trying to age myself up." "You're anticipating a little bit." " I am?" " A little bit." "Ready?" "Yeah, please." "All right, here." " What are you doing?" " I'm taking it off." " You're taking it off?" " I'm taking it right off." "Did I tell you Audrey made me a good-luck cake?" "What's going on?" "This is like the unhealthiest relationship." "It's the unhealthiest non-relationship." "And then I came home and she was there." "I came to your house and she was there!" "Why did you not tell me that you guys were hanging out?" "Well, I wasn't trying to, like, hide it from you." "I mean, I was trying to hide it from you, but it just wasn't a big deal." "I mean, we ran into each other one day and the next thing you know, we're like, laughing about how miserable dating can be." "And it was good to just be friends." "But there are rules, like, when you break up, there are rules that you have to follow that..." " About how the break-up goes." " Yeah, but we spent time apart." "We were both dating other people, so it's not like we weren't..." "You know, it's not like we were trying to get back together or anything, we were just hanging out." "You guys were barely dating other people, it hadn't been that long." "We were best friends." "I got this girl here in Boston and when we're going to the wedding there, there's a girl named Seema that I really want him to meet her." "Did you tell him already?" "No, I'm gonna call him and let him know, but I just wanted to let you know," "But I think, since we are going to be there anyway, it would be nice to meet with her." "I remember, Mom calls me up and she goes," ""My prince, big wedding season." ""My prince, hit the girls."" "Beginning of wedding season!" "♪ If the sky that we look upon" "♪ Should tumble and fall" "♪ And the mountains should crumble to the sea ♪" "But, how are we going to set it up, let's talk about it." " It's not going to happen automatically." " Yeah." "No, no, no, do not do that, that's where you guys go too far," "I'm telling you I'm gonna take care of it." "I don't want you guys jumping in and getting all these other people involved, that's when it becomes embarrassing." "We're not going to do anything you don't want us to do." "Okay?" "It's given." "Okay, just, then relax, then." "We're done." "When you talk to her, she may not know why you are talking to her." "Don't be shy, talk to her, man." "We'll support you, my dear, don't worry..." " We'll support you." " You are my son." "I'm telling you, you guys are treating me like I'm, like, socially retarded, I'm..." "I'm very good socially." "Ravi, you are socially good, except when it comes to marriage." "Marriage, right." "Don't just look at her and say "Oh, I don't like her."" "I don't do that." "You guys think I do that, but you just... you're so desperate for me to like someone that you don't trust when I make my own choices and I give everyone a fair chance." "To like somebody, you've got to get to know somebody." "I'm saying at least talk to the person." "Why do you love Mom and Dad?" "Because you've been with them for all these years." "So if you..." " Take a little interest..." " Okay." "...and you know what will happen, if nothing, let's say you do not like, you may say that, "Oh, my friend might be right for her."" " Ah." " Introduce to a friend." "This is the most unnecessary pep speech" "I've ever gotten in my life." "Yeah." "Okay, let's go." "Geeta, are we done, my dear?" "Yeah I did." "I don't like her." "What do you mean how do you know, you just know." "I don't like her." "So, put your camera away." "Was that Mom?" "I told Mom and Dad, I'm like, "Hey, she's great," ""like, she's a really great person, but," ""I'm not really into her."" "Mmm-hmm." "You know, in that way." "By no fault of her own, I'm just..." "Yeah." "You know and, uh... they're like, "Well, just, just talk to her."" "And I'm like, okay, but, I mean, I'll talk to her," "But, like, it's just weird." "Mmm-hmm." "Like, I'm supposed to call her now on Friday and it's just like, ugh." " I am so afraid of hurting other people's feelings." " Me too!" "Like, I feel really bad, like, she's like a great girl, and I don't want her to think that I'm rejecting her." "Because that's not really what it is." "Yeah." "You guys have it harder because you have to actually approach the women." "Or, you know, culturally, that's..." "It's easy for women, women just have to be." "You just have to be." "And..." "Then... ugh." "You know what?" "I realized it's not easy, because I thought we just had to be, but I think that's why I'm single because I didn't know this whole eye contact thing, like, you have to actually" " allow someone..." " What's the eye contact thing?" "Well, I don't really..." "I never did eye contact growing up, like you have..." "We have to give you guys a signal that," ""Yeah, we're interested."" "Or like, "Yeah, I at least acknowledge that you exist."" "If a girl's looking around, you have to look right at her, which is really scary." "Well, what's the difference between that and staring?" "'Cause I know how to stare." "♪ ♪" "I'm excited because" "Ravi promised me five grandkids." "You appear to be not promising, but sort of leaning towards three." "Which makes it a potential eight." "Ravi gave me, one five-year time period." "Guaranteed, almost." "You are noncommittal." "But I assume same time period." "Hey, listen." "It's been easy sailing until now." "Life is a commitment." " So you have to make some commitments." " Mmm." "Hello." "Hello." " What's up?" " Someone didn't come home last night." "Yeah." "You're an idiot." "What?" "What?" "Were you at Audrey's?" "We didn't do nothing, we just fell asleep." "Well, she cooked me, we like, made dinner, then we watched a movie and fell asleep." "Okay." "So." "So are you going to get back together with her?" "Audrey and I met when we both worked in the same bar, and we had been friends for a few years." "But all of a sudden, we started hanging out a lot, and then one night she came over to watch a movie, and that was when things, you know, started to get a little weird." "You know, towards, as the movie went on, we'd slowly kinda cuddle a little bit but in very non-committal cuddling, so our toes, like I think our feet started getting closer together and then next thing you know, our legs..." "I was so nervous that I was like," "I remember I was stuttering a lot, "Um..." ""Do, do you think we should, um, like we should uh, like," ""this is, like, this is weird right?"" "And she was looking at me and then she just goes..." "And of course, to me, the bury-the-head-in-the-pillow was like a bad sign because that's the only way" "I'm willing to interpret any situation with a girl, is like rejection." "She was really nervous too." "I was like, should we start dating or something, or..." "And she was like, "Yeah, I guess,"" "and then I walked her to her car, and I'm saying bye, and like, this is the first time it's been this kind of a bye." "I was like, "Well, should we kiss?"" "She goes like, "Yeah, I guess,"" "and then we go in and it's like a kiss, and it is the worst kiss in the history of kisses." "Like it was disgusting, you know, because it was so forced and uncomfortable and we were friends." "Any man would have handled that better than me, I think." "And so there was a lot of just self-loathing." " Right." " And at the same time," "I don't remember ever feeling that level of exhilaration in terms of happiness and just excitement that this was happening." "Even though you had a bad kiss too?" "But the second one was incredible." "My sister has her son living with her and she has three kids, grandkids, and I don't know how to tell you, it's very rewarding, peaceful," "I tell you they are just simply," "I call them they are happy, happy, happy family, you know." "But what can I say, America is different." "And that's the only thing I regret about myself that I wish I didn't come that early because my kids would have been maybe somewhat different, and I could have had a similar life to what my family has." "Family-wise, staying together and all that." "Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, because they came later on in the life, so their beliefs are different." "When I came to United States, there were not Indians, so you know, we had to compromise the life and we did, and uh, and when you compromise, you pay the price for it, you know." "And that is the price we are paying for it right now, I think." "We're happy, though!" " We're happy." " And we are gonna be happy, we are gonna be just as happy as them." "We are happy." "We are different, but we are happy, yeah." "Hey, Ma." "Yeah, there's serious interest, send it to me." "Okay." "Ma, ah..." "Mom, Mom, do you guys remember the conversation we had about you guys sending me girls that are, that are American?" "Okay, okay, okay." "She's from India, she's overweight, and she's an engineer?" " Yeah." " That's not the best pitch." "If the bio-data thing doesn't work, if the Internet dating doesn't work, if you're still not able to meet her at a wedding, or say a motel owners expo, there's still one last shot" "at meeting the perfect Patel girl." "The Patel convention." "People get together for two or three days and purpose was to bring their boy and a girl, children together, and they have programs and dance and speeches and all that, basically to see if you can find..." "Just like a business expo." "We have a sheet and you're going to go to people of the opposite sex and you're gonna go introduce yourself" " and go see if they can fill out a box." " Okay." "There's already one marriage out of it, somebody that met last year is already married and there's another couple that's almost there." "1:30 to 5:00, Icebreakers." "Three and a half hours of icebreakers!" "I can't think of a more efficient way to meet women though." "I rarely meet Indian girls that I like talking to." "I'm getting in the practice of like, pursuing women, which, unfortunately, I'm almost 30 years old and I really genuinely feel like I'm bad at it." "Well, you're Indian, you're not going to be good." "So if a girl has Georgia and a boy has Atlanta, you guys match up, okay?" "I hope you guys know your states and capitals." "I don't like how I look." "My hair, I look ridiculous." "Geeta, this is fine, right?" " Mmm-hmm." " It is, right?" "Why doesn't anyone tell me how stupid I look?" "Did you see any guys down there you like, Geets?" "No." "A bunch of Indians in business casual, they probably just thought it's like an engineering conference." "They've got to think it's absolutely fascinating." "I'm sure they're all just in there making faces." "Yeah, they're white, they don't get it." "We have to kind of do one of these." "They don't get it." "It's like, required." ""They're white, they don't get it."" " Hey, I'm Ravi." " LA!" " Yeah." " Anisha." "Hey, I'm Ravi." "Hey, I'm Ravi." "Hey, I'm Ravi." "Hey, I'm Ravi." "Hey, I'm Ravi." "I try to stay away from Canada" " as much as possible." " Why?" "My mom and dad keep on calling me over and over again." "This is exhausting, isn't it?" "...animal sounds." "Is that what you do?" "You just find other people making your noise?" " Meow." " Meow." "Oh yeah." "Hey, I'm Ravi." "Anisha." "Nice to meet you." " Are you good at this?" " No." "Hey, I'm Ravi, oh wait, we already met." "Nice to meet you too." "Nice to meet you too." "This is fun." "It's weird and fun at the same time, yeah." "Yeah, I think we should do this all the time." "This is great, wait, what's next?" "I... um." "I mean, I emailed him and he didn't email me back." "It's that simple." "What are you going through?" "Mom, but that's not true." ""Ravi, this is my first problem," ""our friendship isn't based on friendship anymore." ""I wish it were." "Our friendship is based, at least on my part," ""in my hope that we will work out." ""I will be honest with you," ""I don't have an interest in just being your friend," ""I have an interest in being your partner," ""I have an interest in making sure you're happy" ""and healthy and moving forward in your life," ""but I have an interest in doing that by your side." ""I'm not trying to be dramatic or emotional, just practical." ""I wish more than anything that we could be just friends," ""but I think at this point, it's impossible." ""I need to remove you from my life." ""It's too difficult for me to move forward if you are around." ""I'll always be grateful for the friendship and love" ""we were able to have."" "Oh, man." "I don't know how I could handle, like, not being friends with her, that's the toughest part for me." "I know it's immature on my part but like, you know, like, I think I could," "I really think I could, I could, I could, not be with her and be okay." "You know?" "Did you love her?" "I think so, I don't really have anything else to..." "But yeah, I mean, like..." "Like, what's love?" "I don't know what love is, that's why, I mean." "I don't know." "I know that, you know..." "I know that..." "I know that I care a lot about her and she cares a lot about me and we know each other inside out," "and, she makes me a better person in so many ways." "That weekend, we went and visited a bunch of family in Iowa, and they're all, you know, vintage Patels." "They all live under the same roof" " as their parents with their kids." " Yeah." "You know, in fact, our cousins represent what Mom and Dad wanted us to be." "For both of you, it's time to get married." "It said in the Scriptures that you should marry early so your mind is fixated on a certain individual before it starts fluttering away." "I was looking around, and our extended family represents a version of life that I always thought I would have, and for the first time I was starting to doubt whether or not that's what I'd end up with." "But then I was also scared of, in the pursuit of all these things, ending up alone." "I think, first thing we should talk about is how much do you respect this process that parents or whoever can screen and can do it?" "I have a ton of respect for the process, in fact, I..." "Are you giving that respect when we say, "Meet this girl"?" "No, because I don't..." "And if you don't meet, if that respect is not understood by the children and children casually throw," ""Oh, I don't like this, I don't click."" "That is when I tell Mom," "I say, "You know what, forget it," ""we are not going to do this."" "Because they think we found these online somewhere at random that we don't know anything about this and that we throw them because we want to get them married in hurry and we don't care who they get married with." "I really believe, my prince, you are not being fair to yourself." "You are not giving yourself enough chance, you are not giving your life a fair chance." "It is a mindset." "We don't have the same mindset you do, and honestly, I don't even have the same mindset." "That is why, Geeta, you are not married, and I'm telling you the reasoning." "If you are ready to know that why Geeta is not married, why other people are getting married then I'm going to tell you the differences, my dear, that the other girls are in the mindset to get married," "they don't want to just reject right away." "They want to get to know people, they meet second time, they talk to them on the phone, they just don't go on and on, rejecting like you," ""No, no, no, not this"." "My point is not getting married and staying single is the biggest loser you can be." "I said yes to him, but when I did say yes..." "I didn't say yes, I said, "Yes, I guess", when he asked me." ""Yeah, I guess," you said." "You didn't say yes." "He's like, "Will you marry me?" and I'm like..." "You said, "I'm gonna throw up", and then you said, "Yeah, I guess"." "But I did marry him twice." "One Catholic wedding and one Sikh wedding." "Yeah, we did two weddings." "So we, that was the beginning of our compromise." "Like I walked down the aisle wearing a white dress to, Here Comes the Bride, like, literally, laughing the whole time because I thought it was so absurd." "I came down a street on a horse, wearing a turban, carrying a sword." "Pete's Catholic, so we said that our kids will be baptized." "And I negotiated the communion," " but I couldn't get confirmation." " Confirmation." "She said that was brainwashing." "It's CCD." "I don't know if I said brainwashing." " You said brainwashing, you really did," " Oh, okay." "And quite honestly," "I'm still hoping we can open up that conversation and continue the negotiation down the road." "Honestly, I don't know much about Catholicism." " I got you 'Catholicism For Dummies.'" " I got it, I know," "I haven't finished reading my 'Catholicism For Dummies.'" "We don't thank Jesus, we thank God." " We thank God, because we both share God..." " 'Cause Jesus isn't God really." "You have Guru Nanak, I have Jesus." "But see they're gurus, both Jesus and Guru Nanak," "They're both gurus, they're not Gods." "Dude, you can't call Jesus a guru." " I think he's..." " He's not a guru." "♪ Have yourself a merry little Christmas ♪" "You have no messages." "♪ Let your heart be light" "♪ From now on" "♪ Our troubles will be out of sight ♪" "Isn't this a cute picture, Ravi?" "Have you guys ever considered getting a clothesline?" "Why do you think we can afford a million dollar house?" "Because we don't waste money." "I love this picture." "This is like the closest an Indian picture ever gets to kissing." "This would be considered obscene by some people." "Geeta." "Hey, this is Geeta." "And this is Geeta." "And this is Geeta." "I waited until you left for the gym, because I knew we could not do this on camera, and I didn't want to run the risk of you being around." "So, Mom and Dad were both in the kitchen," "Mom was cooking, Dad was reading at a table." "And I just sat down, and I said," ""Hey, I need to tell you guys something." ""And I don't know any other way to say this," ""but before we went to India," ""I had been dating this girl for two years." ""And I never told you about her and I'm sorry about that." ""But we broke up just before the trip."" "Then Dad looks up, and asks "Well, wait," ""so all this bio-data stuff, this was a lie?"" "I told him," ""No, we broke up, but every time I went on a date," ""I think I was comparing them to Audrey."" "Mom was just staring at the floor." "And then, she goes, "Well, do you still love her?"" "And I just said, "I don't know."" "And then, that's when you came home." "Dad, how's your trip going?" "Turn around." "Trip is going terrific." "We are having great time, Geeta." "Very good time." "Mom, how's your trip going?" "Mom, the way I look at the way you're handling this right now, is..." "I consider the way you're handling this..." "Put that camera down right now!" "There's a mature way..." "I know your mom." "And you know how great a person she is." "She is emotionally just..." "Taken away, and she is very emotional." "And she'll come around." "I really trust both of you guys for the decisions." "I may disagree," "I may do different things, but who are we that we always know what is right, you know?" "We don't know always what is right." "After I told them about Audrey, they were..." "In shock." "You know, Dad was coping with it, we were communicating, but with Mom, it got really bad." "She barely spoke with you during that time." "Her and I couldn't seem to communicate, and I don't..." "I mean, I don't think it was coincidental, I mean, we just started fighting." "About everything, like, little things, and I was home one day and..." "I just kind of sat her down and I was like," ""What is this, what's happening?"" "I was like, "I don't understand, like I feel like I can't make you happy" ""with anything I do, and I just don't feel like I'm your son anymore."" "She says, "You know, it's not that you might not marry an Indian girl." ""It's that you lied to me for so long." ""That you could do that."" "And I just said I was sorry, and that I won't lie to you again." "Okay." "All right." "Okay?" "Okay." "I used to think that the way I was feeling, my struggle, was because of them." "And then one day they came to visit me and I started crying," "I was just like, you know," ""I don't even date any guys," ""I don't do anything, and I feel so..." "Like my hands are tied."" "I said, "I feel like I have to marry an Indian."" "Dad stopped me and he said," ""I want you to know that no matter what you do," ""we love you and we'll accept it."" "And he said, "Nothing matters more to me than you being happy."" "I thought that I would feel different." "I thought that I would feel like the weight had been lifted." "And when I drove home, the weight was still there." "And I realized that it wasn't them, it was me." "I was scared that if I married a white guy, even if it was okay with them," "that somehow, I would be letting myself down." "Don't give me too much food, Mom." "Okay." "You want vaal, my prince?" "You want chole?" "Mom, you're like a traveling..." "You're like a food truck." "Like world hunger progr..." " Ten minutes, okay." " You want tuvaro?" " Mmm." "Yeah." " Tuvaro?" "Okay." "You want samosas?" "No, I'm okay right now." "You're okay, so I'm giving you samosas then." "Give her some, okay?" "Because I know she will like it." "Ravi..." "This whole year..." "You met different girls from all over, and I really want to know, what have you learned?" "You know, when we were doing this, you know, it was very much about finding that Patel girl, but I honestly, like, I don't... after doing all this, the one thing I feel like I've learned is that I don't..." "I don't need that." "You know?" "I mean, I still want that, but I don't need..." "What do you mean?" "Well, like, I don't need her to be..." " Indian." " Yeah, I don't need her to be Indian." "Mom, what would you think?" "Mom, what would you think if I ended up with a girl who wasn't Indian, but she's Indian in every way that you want?" "She has a beautiful family and she's a family-oriented person, and she loves me and she loves you guys." "If she learns how to cook Indian food with you and you love hanging out with her?" "Are you cool with it?" "Are you cool with her just not being Indian?" "I would just love whoever you fall in love with, my dear." " I would be just happy..." " I would be happy." "...the one you find." " And I mean it, too." " So, Ravi..." "I just want you to get married now." "Seriously." "Bottom line is, go and get married." "Make a decision." "Time is running by..." "Let me tell you one thing, with the girl you get married, you will never know her enough." "Never know enough." "Even after 35 years of marriage..." " He still doesn't know me." " It's still a discovery." "So if you think, "I want to know her enough,"" "that's an impo... that's why you get married, and that's the fun of getting married, because you keep discovering." "Yeah." "You know, after 35 years we tell each other," ""Oh, you don't understand me."" "Now, after 35 years, I don't understand her." "You're gonna know somebody in two years?" "I do, I tell him that." " What do you say, Mom?" " And you know what, Ravi?" "After 35 years..." "She goes, "I do, I tell him that."" "Ravi, after 35 years..." "She's still trying to change me." " And I keep telling her." " And you, too!" " Let's not have one way here." " Okay." " So..." " Thank you." "Every day," ""You should have done that," and, "You should be not doing this,"" "and he should be doing this, I should not be doing this." "And how do you handle this?" "And I'm like, "Go to sleep."" "That's right." "♪ L is for the way you look at me" "♪ O is for the only one I see" "♪ V is very, very extraordinary ♪" "Let me catch you up to speed." "In December, I broke up with Audrey." "He needs therapy." "I then went to India, then back to America, then did some bio-dating..." "Don't do anything sneaky with the camera." "...Internet dating, marriage conventions..." "Meow!" "...and weddings." "Don't be shy, talk to her, man." "The next December, I told my parents the truth." "In March, I started yet another dating system." "The "Ravi dates whoever makes him happy, kind of like a normal person" system." "Um..." "I think part of the problem was I was carrying this picture around in my head of who I was going to marry, when really, that's just not how it works." "It was time to just allow the world to put that picture together for me." "And it worked." "I found the girl that I really, really liked, and for the first time I could see what I really wanted." "I liked her, and I had to beg her to like me back." "You really begged." "Well, it was the only option." " Like, you really begged." " Yeah, we get it." "Okay." "You really begged." "Do you want me to say something?" "It was great, I was starting a relationship truthfully for the first time." "And just letting it be whatever it was going to be." "That said, Mom and Dad still didn't understand the concept of dating." "Okay." "Geeta!" "Can you stop the camera now, Geeta?" "Yeah, turn that off, please." "It just..." "Yeah, Geeta, there's no reason for it now." "Oh, my God!" "How did it go?" "Just be yourself!" "What's the big deal?" "It's just a camera!" "How does it make you feel?" "Dad, tell me, how does it make you feel that Geeta just went on a date?" "Geeta, tell me, what is love?"