"D'you know we've made love 113 times?" "I figured it out on my Bowmar calculator." "To know someone that well is a wonderful thing." " Two lumps?" " No." "One." "So I don't know everything about you." "I don't know who your favorite movie stars are." "And I can't remember the name of your favorite perfume." "I've racked my brain and I can't remember." "That's funny." "It's "My Sin"." "But I do know, in the last 24 years, that I have never been out of love with you." " Well, did we like it?" " I loved it." " Bev Walsh was wonderful." " I liked them all." "It was funny." "Well, it was a comedy, wasn't it?" "Essentially?" "Let's face it, Clyde Banner's getting fat." " He should never turn profile." " Most of us shouldn't." "What was it you were thinking about?" "When?" "Yeah." " You OK?" " Yeah." "How was the show?" " Trouble sleeping?" " No." "You're sure?" " Burning the midnight oil?" " Yeah." "OK." " Thought about calling that doctor?" " No." "The month's up." "I think we should stick to the plan." "The plan was if I needed to call him." "Yeah, OK." "Don't worry about it." "Get some sleep." "I'm workin' on those Michigan State tickets." "OK." "Did you call the Warrens?" "They said they'll come some evening soon." "Everybody I grew up with is in the paper these days." ""Joey Georgella." "New football coach for Trinity."" "Did you check with Jane for the Michigan State tickets?" "Yes." "She'll talk to John." "Where's Conrad?" "This'll get cold." "Con!" "Will you drop those suits at the cleaners?" " They won't be back by Saturday." " That's OK." "Connie!" " Conrad!" " I'll be right there." " Here he is." " Morning." "Good morning." " Did you sleep?" " Yeah." "Hungry?" "Hungry" " It's french toast." "It's your favorite." " Yeah." "I'm not really hungry." "Breakfast, pal, remember?" "Main meal, energy." " If you're not hungry..." " Wait, Beth." "Heil eat it." "It's french toast." "There's fresh fruit when you get home from school." " What are you doing?" " You can't save french toast." "I've gotta run." "Will you call Mr. Hermann about the shutters?" " I can't get anywhere with that man." " You have to charm Mr. Hermann." "Did you charm him?" "You have to eat, Con. We just want you to keep on getting stronger." "Dad, I'm not hungry." " Are you OK?" " Yeah." " I gotta go." "Lazenby's picking me up." " Is he?" "Great." "Why is it great?" "Well, I don't see the old gang much any more." "I kinda miss them." "Why not bring them around?" "Phil, Don and Dick Van Buren." " We'll play touch football." " See you later." "Con!" "Come on, Jarrett." "We're late." "Let's go." "Jarrett, come on!" "We're late cos little Dickie's mom had to pack his lunch." "You were late when you got to my house." "I been up all night studying for this poli-sci exam." "That guy wants a goddamn personal analysis of it all." " How do you make sense of that crap?" " You read the crap." "When's the last time you read somethin'?" "We swim every day." "When are we meant to study?" " I swim and I study." " Get a sense of reality, Lazenby." " What are you reading?" " Hardy." " You guys tried meditation?" " It's just like thinking." "I don't do it often." "Is that junior English?" "You got all junior classes this year?" "They didn't pass you on anything?" "Stillman, they don't pass you on breathing if you don't take the final." "Hey, get something on that radio." "I gotta study." "Get something lighter for your head." "I hope it's a long train" " I gotta get this stuff down." "I'm gonna flunk this test." " My hair looks like shit, doesn't it?" " Yeah." "Hey, there's Pratt." " Look at that ass." " Let me out." "I need a jump." " No dirty stuff out of the window." " No dirty stuff?" "Pratt, you have nice knees!" "Interested in something, Jarrett?" "Hey, Clary!" "How about we discuss some theory?" "Conrad, what's your theory on Jude fawley?" "Conrad?" "What's your theory on Jude fawley?" "Was he powerless in the grip of circumstances," " or could he have helped himself?" " I don't..." "Powerless?" "I guess he thought he was, yeah." "The guy was a jerk." "He was hung up on what was the moral thing to do." " It made no sense." " I think that's a little too easy, Joel." "Paul, what do you think?" "I found the book hard to follow." "I couldn't figure it out." " Hello?" " Hello." " Hello?" " Dr. Berger?" "Yes." " Hi, this is Conrad Jarrett calling." " Who?" "Conrad Jarrett." "Dr. Crawford at Hillsboro Hospital gave me your number." "Oh, yes." "I'm with a patient now." "Can you call back at 2.15?" "I don't think I'll be free." "Then give me your number." "I'll call you tonight." "Hello." " Hello?" " That's OK." "I'll try to call you back." "Thanks." "Go!" "OK, move it, you guys." "Keep it goin'." "Keep pluggin'." "Use those legs." "Lazenby, get with it." "Jarrett, keep your head down." "Work it out there." "Come on." "Come on." "Push off." "Get your head down, Jarrett!" "Come on." "Keep it goin'." "Dig in there." "Get with it." "Push off, Jarrett!" "Was he actually a client of yours?" "Well, Ray knew him more than me." "It's too bad." "Tragic really." "When you look at him now..." " fish too dry?" " No, not too dry." " They have a new mechanic at CNS." " What happened to little Harry?" "I don't know." "I think he took a job in Skokie." "Anyway, this new mechanic is just so awkward." "Is that shirt ripped?" "Leave it on the hall table." "That girl from the hospital that you painted with, wasn't she from Skokie?" " What was her name?" " Karen." " Sharon?" " Karen." "Conrad, shall I sign you up for a round robin at the club?" " I haven't played in a year." " Don't you think it's time to start?" "Also, Calvin, we have to go to the Murrays' on Saturday." "It's Clark's birthday." "I bought him that book on wine." "Dear God, not the Murrays." "Lift the rope off, Bucky." "We're goin' in." "Give me your hand." "Bucky!" "fuck... fuck..." "Oh, hi." "How are you?" "I'm fine." "Couldn't be better." "Really." "Oh, terrific." "Hi." "Come in." "It's OK." "They all do that." "Jarrett?" "Come in." "Sit down." "Just have to..." "Wires..." "Volume." "Sorry." "Sit down." " Have trouble finding the place?" " Not yet." "Jarrett." "How long have you been out of the hospital?" "A month and a half." " feeling depressed?" " No." " On stage?" " Pardon me?" "People nervous, treating you like you're a dangerous character?" "Yeah, I guess a little." " Are you?" " I don't know." " How long were you in the hospital?" " four months." " What did you do?" " I tried to off myself." "Isn't it there?" " It doesn't say what your method was." " Double-edge Super Blue." "So how is it being home?" "Everybody glad to see you?" "Yeah." " friends?" "OK?" " Yeah." "You're back in school?" "Everything OK at school?" " Teachers?" " Yeah." "No problems?" "So why are you here?" "I'd like to be more in control, I guess." "Why?" "So people can quit worrying about me." " Who's worried about you?" " My father, mostly." "This is his idea." "What about your mother?" "Isn't she worried about you too?" "I don't know, listen..." "If you're a friend of Dr. Crawford you're probably all right but I'll be straight with you, I don't like this already." "As long as you're straight." "What do you know about me?" "Have you talked to Crawford?" "Yes, he called me on the phone." "He told me your name and told me to look for you." "He said you had a brother who died." "Boating accident, wasn't it?" "Want to tell me about it?" "I suppose you talked this over with Crawford, right?" " Right." " Good." "How'd that go?" "It didn't change anything." " What do you wanna change?" " I told you, I'd like to be more in control." " Why?" " So people can quit worrying about me." "Well, I'll tell you something." "I'll be straight with you, OK?" "I'm not big on control." " But it's your money." " Yeah, so to speak." "So to speak." "OK..." "How's Tuesdays and Fridays, same time?" " Twice a week?" " Well, control's a tough nut." "I got swim practice every night." "That's a problem." "How do we solve that?" "I guess I have to skip practice mice a week and come here." "It's up to you." "I don't like being here." "I don't like it at all." "I saw Mort Swain." "His sister died." " The one from Idaho?" " The one with the restaurant." " Did she die in Idaho?" " I guess so." "Why?" "You said she was always traveling." "I wondered if she died in Idaho." "I don't know." "Maybe she died in Idaho." "Maybe in Kansas City." "I went to see Dr. Berger." " Berger?" "Did you?" " Yeah." " You didn't say anything." "Good." " I went." " When?" " Today." "I didn't know you made an appointment." " If it's too much money, it's not nec..." " Don't worry about the money." "It's OK." "Well, it's $50 an hour, mice a week." "It's OK, and it is necessary." " What did you talk about?" " Not much." "What about your schedule?" "Will that be all right?" "Well, it'll cut into swim practice." " Where's his office?" " Highland Park." "Keep that head straight, Genthe." "I don't wanna tell you again." "Now, this is what I see." "I see you yawning'." "I see you come late." "I don't see you havin' any fun out there." " Are you gettin' enough sleep?" " Yeah." " Well, are you havin' fun out there?" " fun?" "There's no point if you're not havin' fun." "Right?" " I guess so." " You guess so?" "Are you on medication, Jarrett?" "Tranquillizers?" "Anything?" "No, sir." "Did I ask you before if they gave you shock out there?" " Yeah." " Yeah, what?" "Yeah, you asked me." "Yeah, they did." "Don't look at us, Lazenby." "Get your ass in the water!" "Look at the bottom of the pool." "You know, I'm no doctor, Jarrett." "I would never have let 'em put electricity in my head." "God, that Salan!" "He's such a picky bastard." "Drives me nuts." "Everybody drives you nuts." " Danoff and Edge look good, Jarrett." " They look very good." " Con, is he givin' you a hard time?" " He gives everybody a hard time." " You don't want a clarinet, do you?" " Van Buren wants a clarinet." " Who's selling it?" " My brother." " I need new shoes." " You need a new personality." " You stand behind me in the choir." " I do?" "You do?" "Is that you?" " You have a lot of energy." " I do?" "Yeah." "I mean, that's good." " My name's Jeannine Pratt." " Nice." "Hi." " You're Conrad Jarrett, remember?" " Right." " Bye" " Bye-bye" "You got a lot of energy." "Trick or treat!" "This is the scariest ghost I've ever seen!" "And the tiger and the witch..." "You all look just wonderful." "Take an apple." "There you go." "Be careful." "Thank you, Mrs. Jarrett." "Bye." "The Cabbots." "Little Julie's first time." "God, she's so cute." "Know what I've been thinking?" "That Christmas in London would be like something out of Dickens." "We've never done that before, right?" "Christmas in London?" "Maybe we shouldn't plan to go away right now." "We talked about that." "We decided on that." "I know we did, but the more I talk about it, the more the timing doesn't..." "Calvin, we've always gone away at Christmas." "I think it would be good for him too." "Isn't it time we got back to normal?" "He's just started with this doctor." " So he'll miss three weeks." " Why interrupt it?" "Because I wanna get away." "I think we all should." "It's important." "Look, if he doesn't go through with this now, he might change his mind." "If he changes his mind, maybe it wasn't right for him to do." " Does he want to go to London?" " I don't think he knows what he wants." "I'm sorry." " Don't do that!" " I'm sorry." " I didn't think you were here." " I'm sorry." "I just got in." " I didn't play golf." "It's too cold." " How was your golf game?" " I didn't play." " It did get colder today." "No, I mean, for the year it's colder." "Yeah." " Weren't you swimming today?" " Uh-huh." "Sorry I scared you." " How'd it go?" " Good." "I swam well today." "Good." " I could swim the 50 if my timing..." " Off." "..if my timing got better." "I'm just a little off on my timing." " Well, you have to work at that." " Yeah." "I got 74 on a trig quiz." "74?" "Gee, I was awful at trig." "You took trig?" "Wait a minute..." "Did I take trig?" "I bought you two shirts." "They're on your bed." " Who's gonna be there?" " The Murrays, of course, and the Gunthers, the Kanes and the good old us." "Why don't we just go to the movies instead?" "Don't be negative." "That's not negative." "That's unpredictable." " Come on." "Let's really go to the movies." " OK." " Really?" " OK, yeah." "Let's go." "What's our excuse?" "Beth wanted to go to the movies?" "Good." "Very good." "All right, now, smile." "And remember, not too many martinis." "Hello, Gladyce." "Will you put that with the rest of them?" " We're in time for the grand entrance." " Look who's here!" "Three blocks away and the last to arrive." "Come on in." "Clark!" "Happy birthday." "You look wonderful for a 75-year-old." " Hey, partner." "How are you?" " Hey, pal." " Hi, Beth." " And where were you at the lunch?" " Borrow the money." " I was thinking of going public." "I wouldn't do that now." "Cos the market's low." "Your hair looks wonderful." "It's shorter, isn't it?" "I like that." "I said "Would you please put out our cigar?" and he says "Huh?"" "I said "Will you put out your cigar?" and he says "I don't have another one."" "Good to see you." "It's a macho factor." "When these kids are at school, they just think they've got to walk on the edge of danger." " What are these hushed tones about?" " He just told the funniest joke!" " I'm not talking to you." " Why?" "Obviously, you know, I have my fingers crossed on this merger." " Let's get together for lunch." " Great." "Call me in the office." "I have no idea what my schedule is." "I ran into Billy White." "Bob McClean's leaving Coles  Johnson." " Where's he going?" " He doesn't know." "No, you didn't." "You are so mean." "He's the meanest man you ever met." "When a ball is in play, if a player, his partner, their equipment or their caddies accidentally move it..." "Hi, Annie." " What's your boy up to these days?" " Who knows?" "They won't tell." " How's Conrad doing?" " He's great." "Just great." "I asked Donald and he says they haven't talked much." "I said "Maybe he's a little self-conscious."" "No, no." "No, he's..." "There's a doctor in Highland Park that he sees mice a week." "That kinda cuts into his social life." " He's great, just great." " Really?" "Is he still having problems?" "Oh, no." "Nothing like that." "Just somebody to talk to, that's all." "Polish off the rough edges, that's all." "How you doing, darling?" "Is he falling asleep yet?" "No." "He's great." "Mr. Great, that's me." " You drink too much at parties." " I'm not drunk." "Why did you say Conrad is seeing a psychiatrist?" "Why not?" "People don't hear that kind of thing very easily." "for most people it's a status symbol, like going to Europe." "Well, I thought blurting it out was in very bad taste." "Not to mention a violation of privacy." " Whose privacy?" " Our privacy." "The family's privacy." "I think it is a very private matter." "So what do I do?" "Tell you my dreams?" "I don't hold much stock in dreams." "All psychiatrists believe in dreams." "Really?" "What's happening?" "What's going on?" "I just feel so..." " What?" " Jumpy." "I don't know..." "Look, kiddo..." "I lied." "I do believe in dreams." "But I wanna know what's happening when you're awake." "Something's making you nervous." "You're making me nervous." "Maybe I need a tranquillizer." " Tranquillizer." " Yeah." "What do you think?" "You came in looking like something out of the Body Snatchers," "It's not my impression that you need a tranquillizer." " What is this?" " Clock." "So you get to tell the time, but I can't?" " So you know when the hour's up?" " Right." "50 minutes, 55 minutes?" "What is it?" "Maybe I don't wanna swim any more." "I mean, my timing's for shit." "Now he's got mo guys swimming the 50 that are better than me." "Jeez, they're a bunch of boring-ass jocks." "And him, I can't stand him." "He's a tight-ass son of a bitch." "Ever thought of quitting?" " Are you telling me to?" " No." " It wouldn't look good." " forget how it looks." "How does it feel?" "How does it feel?" "How does it feel?" "Yes." "How does it feel?" "It's the same damn thing I did last year." " Are you the same person as last year?" " I don't know." " So you need a tranquillizer?" " You tell me." "It's up to you." "$50 an hour." "Can't you decide if I should have a pill or not?" " I'm supposed to feel better, right?" " Not necessarily." "How is it with your friends?" "Getting any easier?" "No, it's still hard." "Is anyplace easy?" " The hospital was." " It was?" "Why?" "Because nobody hid anything there." "Was there anyone there you could talk to?" "I mean besides Dr. Crawford?" "Hi." "Hey, Karen." "Hi." " How are you?" " Good." "Real good." " Sit down, please." " Thank you." " When did you get back?" " The end of August." "God..." " It's great to see you." " You too." "I can't stay a real long time." "I've got a meeting over at school." "Drama club meeting." "We're doing A thousand Crowns this year." "We are going crazy trying to get it together." "I'm secretary this year too." " Don't let me hang you up." " You're not." "No, I really wanted to see you." "I didn't know quite what to expect." "You sounded sorta funny on the phone." "No, I wasn't..." "It was a gray day, that's all." "Kind of..." "But everything's great." "I'm in school, on the swim team." "You're swimming." "Terrific, Conrad." "God, that's really wonderful." "We haven't had any meets yet." "I could stay on the bench..." "Come on, you'll do great." " I bet your folks are real proud of you." " Yeah." " What can I get you guys?" " Are you hungry at all?" " I just want a Coke." " Two Cokes, please." " You think we offended him?" " Something I said?" "Definitely a low self-image day." "So." " Are you..." " What are..." "I can't believe how beautiful you look." "You really look beautiful." "So do you." " Do you miss it?" " Miss what?" " The hospital." " No." "Thank you." " You don't miss it?" "Nothing about it?" " No." "You don't miss Leo's corny jokes?" " Are you seeing a doctor?" " Yeah, I'm seeing a doctor." "Are you?" "Well, Dr. Crawford gave me a name, and I went for a while, but..." "It just didn't work for me, I guess." "He kept telling me what I already knew, and finally I decided the only one who can help me is myself." "At least, that's what my dad says." "I don't mean it's not right for you, Conrad." "If it's what you wanna do, that's what you should do." "I don't know how long I'm gonna keep it up." "I sorta got shoved into it." "Your hair grew in." "That was such a dumb thing to do." " I like it." " You do?" "I don't know, I just..." "I miss it sometimes, the hospital." "Really do." " Things have to change, you know." " But that's where we had the laughs." "But that was a hospital." "This is the real world." "Yeah." "I guess you're right." "I really have to go." "I'm sorry." "I have a meeting over at the school." "Drama club meeting." "We're doing A thousand Crowns..." "I know." "You told me." " Did I?" " Yeah." "I better hurry." "Don't wanna be late." "Thanks for seeing me." "Conrad?" "Let's have a great Christmas." "OK?" "Let's have a great year." "Let's have the best year of our whole lives, OK?" "We can, you know." "This could be the best year ever." "Yeah." "Yeah." " Will you call me?" " Yeah." " You mean it?" " Yep." "You... you look good, Conrad." "Bye, Bye - b Y e." "Would you cheer up?" "It's cold out here." "You should put that on, or do you want a sweater?" "Do I need one?" " What are you doin'?" " Nothin'." "Thinkin'." " About what?" " Not about anything." "Your hair is starting to grow out." "It's looking better." "I was thinking about the pigeon." "The one that used to hang around the garage." "He'd get on top of your car and take off when you pulled out of the driveway." "Yeah, I remember." "I remember how scared I used to get, that whoosh... every time I started the car." "Yeah." "That was the closest we ever came to having a pet." "You remember Buck tried to talk you into getting a dog?" "He said "How about if it's just the size of a little football?"" "You know, that animal next door, that Pepper or Pippin or whatever..." "Pippin." "He's not a very friendly dog." "I don't care what Mr. McGreary says..." "What he really wanted was a retriever..." "Every time that dog comes into this back yard..." "Put that on if you're gonna stay out here, OK?" " Can I help?" " Help what?" "You mean with this?" "No." " I will." " No, I tell you what you can do, though." "You can upstairs to that room of yours and clean out the closet." " Mom..." " OK?" "Because it really is a mess." "." "Oh, hi." "Yeah, I didn't get there." "I was swamped with work." "How'd it go?" "No, I'm not doing anything, just getting ready for dinner." "Did she really?" "Anyway, Mary Ann Raymond started to just scream, just cry." "It was crazy." "We got so drunk that we couldn't talk to each other." "It was the last day of school." "We walked right out of the building in the middle of class!" "Oh, Bucky!" "No, stop!" " What do you expect from her?" " We just don't connect." " Why not?" " I don't know." "We just don't." "What are you thinking?" "That I jack off a lot." "So what else is new?" "Does it help?" "for a minute." "What now?" " John Boy." " Who?" "You know, in the Waltons, John Boy?" "Yeah." "What about him?" "My father came into my room and he didn't know what to say." "This was right after Buck died." "He sat on the bed next to me, he put his arm around my shoulder." "We just sat there." "I remember I was watching his shoe, and thinking..." "Cos his shoe was turned over on its side." "I was thinking "He's so uptight it's gonna crack off."" "I knew I should have felt something." "But I didn't know what to feel." "I kept thinking what they say on TV, stuff like "Oh, no" and "Oh, my God"." "I didn't say them because I didn't feel sad... so much as..." "So much as what?" "I kept thinking that John Boy would have said something about how he felt." "What would John Boy have said?" "I don't know." "Come on." " Come on." " Come on what?" "Don't hold back." "At least she's an improvement." "She doesn't crack gum in your face." "That's what you get when your partner does the hiring' and firing'." "I'm sorry." "That's my fault." "I just can never seem to tell anybody that they're not making it." "Wait a minute." "That's not the problem." " Where are you?" " What?" "I've been losing you these days." " I'm sorry." " That's OK." "You're off the track?" "I've known you for 20 years." "You think I can't tell when something's wrong?" " How's Connie?" " Connie's all right." "He is." "He's OK." "Look, it's none of my business, but I think you worry too much." "You've been on the rack about him long enough." "You're making it a habit." " You've gotta let him go sometime." " I'm not on the rack about him." "The thing about it is in a year he'll be gone." "Off to Michigan or Harvard or wherever he gets it in his head he wants to go." "Maybe he'll decide to take a tour of Europe and not even go to school at all." " Who knows?" " I can't argue with "Who knows?"" "I'm just giving you the benefit of my experience." "Thanks." "With Valerie, it's more than her living away from home." "She's gone." "Got her own friends, her own life." "She breezes in for a couple of days on vacations, but..." "I don't know, maybe girls are different." "Or maybe she was too aware of what was happening between Nance and me." "But they leave." "And all that worrying doesn't amount to a hill of crap." "It's just wasted energy." "Give me back my sweater!" "Come on, it's my sweater!" " Possession is nine-tenths..." " Hang on." " Dad, what's possession?" " Wait..." " Give it to me." " I can't." "It's already on me." "Wait." "Whose sweater is it?" " It's my sweater." " OK, I'll give it back to you if you give me back my hockey stick and my skis." "All right." "Conrad!" " Conrad!" " What is it?" "Watch your back." "Cuts are vertical." "He really meant business." "Let's go." "Lake forest is next." "What is it you want?" "I don't know what else to do for you." "I'm not asking you to do anything." "You gotta be kiddin' me." "I don't get it." "I excuse you from practice mice a week so you can see some shrink." "I work with you every damn night at your convenience." "What the hell more am I supposed to do for you?" "Nothing." "Bright kid like you, everything goin' for you." "I don't get it." "Why do you wanna keep messin' up your life?" "I don't think quitting swimming will mess up my life." "I really don't." "OK." " OK." "Now, this is it." " Yeah." "You're a big kid now." "Actions have consequences." " I'm not taking you back again." " I won't ask you to, sir." " What happened?" "You all right?" " Yeah." " Salan says you quit the swim team." " Yeah." " Why?" " I don't know." "I felt like it was a bore." " That's not a real reason." " Well, that's the way it is." " What happened?" " Nothin'." " Connie, talk to me." " Swimming's a bore, that's all." " I talked to Salan..." " Well, quit talkin' to people!" "OK?" "Holy shit." "Yeah, sure." "fuck you, Jarrett." " Leave it alone." " I told you the guy's a flake." " What does your dad say about it?" " I haven't told him yet." "How come?" "I don't know." "The timing isn't right." "He sweats everything so much, he'll just get worried about it." " Can you tell your mother?" " My mother and I don't connect." "Don't you listen?" "I told you that." "What do people have in common with mothers anyway?" "It's all surface junk." "You know, clean your room, brush your teeth, get good grades..." "I'm just wasting money today." "I'm not gonna feel anything." "I'm sorry." "No, sorry's out." "Come on, something's on your mind." " What time is it?" " Never mind the time." "There's time." "Look." "Remember the contract?" "Control?" "Maybe there's a connection between control and..." "lack of feeling." " I said I feel things." " When?" "God, come on." " When?" " I don't know..." " I thought you didn't like to fool around." " I'm not." " Like to play games, do you?" " I don't." "What do you want?" "I want you to leave "I don't know" on the table with the magazines." "You want me to make answers up?" "Yeah." "Make one up about how there's no feelings in there." " I said I have feelings." " Now you have 'em, now you don't." " Why are you trying to make me mad?" " Are you mad?" " No!" " Cut the shit." "You're mad as hell." "You don't like being pushed, so do something about it." "Tell me to fuck off!" "Well, fuck o..." "No, I can't do this." " Why not, kid?" " I can't do this." "No." " It takes too much energy to get mad." " And how much energy to hold it back?" "When I let myself feel, all I feel is lousy." "Oh, I beg your pardon." "I never promised you a rose garden." " fuck you, Berger. fuck you." " Yeah?" " fuck you!" " That's it." "Jesus, you're really weird." "What do you feel, huh?" " Do you jack off, jerk off, whatever?" " What do you think?" "I think you're married to a fat lady and fuck the living daylights out of her!" "Sounds good to me." "A little advice about feeling, kiddo." "Don't expect it always to tickle." " Mother, do you know how to aim that?" " Be quiet." "I have to concentrate." " Smile, everybody." " Is it in focus?" "Smile." "OK, good." "Now I wanna take the three young ones." " Dad, will you get outta there?" " Oh, all right." "And be quiet." "Be quiet." "Conrad, where are you?" "In the middle, between your mother and father." " All right, smile, everybody." " You're taller than your mother." " All right, smile." " This is beautiful." "Hold it level." "Wonderful." "OK, now I want to take Cal and Beth." "Great." "Sure." " Come on." "You can do better than that." " Hold it..." "Connie." "I wanna take a picture of Connie and his mother." "No, let's get the three men in there and I'll take a picture of you." "Connie, move in closer to your mother." " Prize winner." " That's great." " Do it." " Page one, Lake Forester," " This is marvellous." " Shoot, I didn't cock it." " Calvin..." " Hold it." "Connie, smile." " Calvin." " Just a second." "Smile." " Calvin, give me the camera." " I didn't get it yet." " Dad, give her the camera." " I want a good picture of you mo." "But I really want to get a shot of you men." " Give me the camera." " Not until I get a picture of you mo." " Cal." " Give her the goddamn camera!" "Smile." "Who's hungry?" "I'll make the sandwiches." "Beth." "I think it can be saved." "That was dumb." "It was just so dumb." "I don't think he's happy in school." "Have you talked to his teachers?" "I don't think people want to be with him." "He provokes people." "Well..." "Here, why don't you do this?" "It's an awkward age." "Maybe he needs a change." " Are you sure he's eating enough?" " Yes, Mother, of course." "I think he'll be all right - if you are firm with him." "I think maybe he should go away to school." "I just don't know how to deal with him any more." "Who would make that decision?" "I don't know." "I suppose this doctor he's seeing." "What sort of doctor would make that decision for you?" "A psychiatrist." "I thought we were finished with that." "No." " What's his name?" " Berger." " Jewish doctor?" " I don't know." "I suppose he's Jewish." "Maybe just German." "What does Cal say about all this?" "You know, I think this can be saved." "It's a nice clean break." "OK." "Altos, that last E natural could be just a little higher." "Officers, don't forget your meeting tonight." "That's it." "Hi, Jeannine." "You are really a terrific tenor." "In fact, you should be the one doing the solo in that Russian thing." "No, I." "I'm serious." "You sing well." "I'm getting to know your voice." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "How can you hear me sing if you're singing?" "Well, I don't always sing." "Sometimes I just listen." "for instance, Marsha Blair can't sing a note." "Janet fox only mouths the words and never sings." " A detective." " Yeah." "Do you like Vivaldi?" " Telemann?" " Telemann?" "What kind of music do you like?" "Modern jazz, I like." "folk rock, spoon on a glass..." "Spoon on a glass?" "Oh, you mean like tablespoon." "Oh, dear." "Why do I ask dumb questions?" "I'm just showing off." "Why is it so hard the first time you talk to somebody?" "You make it look easy." "Really?" "That's my bus." "I gotta go." "I'll see you later." "And you're really a terrific tenor." "Are you just saying that?" " Hello?" " Hello." "Is Karen there?" " Who's calling, please?" " It's a friend of hers from Hillsboro." "Well, she's not home from school yet." "Well, just tell her I called." "This is Conrad calling." "Tell her I'm feeling great and I just wanted to talk to her." " Yes, I will." " OK." "Thank you." "All right." "Hello, Jeannine." "This is Conrad." "Hello, Jeannine." "This is Conrad." "Hello, Jeannine." "This is Conrad." "Conrad." "Conrad?" "What a dumb name." "Hello, Jeannine." "This is Bill." " Hello?" " Hello..." "Hello, this is..." "Hello, this is Conrad calling." "Jarrett?" "Oh, hi." "Hi." "Listen, I was wondering if maybe you'd like to go out sometime?" "You mean with you?" "Like on a date?" "Well, we wouldn't have to call it a real date." "We could fake it, sort of, see how it goes." "That was dumb." "Just forget it." "Now start over." " Hi, this is Conrad Jarrett." " I'd love to." "When?" "I didn't see you there." "What do you think?" "It's fine." "Rawlins used to have such great, full Scotch pines and they all look like skeletons this year." "Hi." "What do you think?" "Very nice." " What's wrong?" " Why don't you ask him?" "Then you won't hear it from Carol Lazenby." "Hear what?" " Dad, I quit the swim team." " What?" "Carol thought I knew." "Why wouldn't I?" "It happened over a month ago." "Quit?" "When?" " Where have you been every night?" " Around." "The library mostly." " Why didn't you tell us?" " I didn't think it mattered." " Of course it matters." " That was meant for me, Calvin." " What was?" " It's important to hurt me, isn't it?" " Don't you have that backwards?" " Oh?" "How do I hurt you?" "By embarrassing you in front of a friend?" "Poor Beth!" "She has no idea what her son does." "He lies and she believes him." " I didn't lie." " You lied every time you came in late!" "If it's starting again, the lying, the disappearing, I will not stand for it." "I really can't!" " Don't then!" "Go to Europe!" " Connie..." "The only reason she gives a fuck about it is cos someone else knew first!" " Just stop it, Connie..." " Tell her to stop it!" "You never tell her a thing!" "I know why she never came to the hospital." "She was busy going to goddamn Spain and goddamn Portugal!" "Why should she care if I'm hung up by the balls?" "Maybe this is how they talk at the hospital, but we're not there now." " You never came to the hospital!" " Your mother did come." "She had flu and couldn't come inside." "She wouldn't have had flu if Buck was in the hospital." " Buck never would've been in there!" " That's enough!" " I won't do it again." "I really won't." " What in hell has happened?" " Somebody better go up there." " Oh, God!" "That's the pattern, isn't it?" "He walks all over us and you go and apologise." " I'm not going to apologise..." " Of course you are." "You've been apologizing to him ever since he got out of the hospital." "I'm not apologizing." "I am trying to goddamn understand him!" "Don't talk to me that way." "Don't talk to me the way he talks to you." "Beth, let's not fight, OK?" "No fighting, OK?" "Please." "Let's go upstairs." " I wanna talk to you." " I need to sleep." "In a minute." "I didn't mean any of it." "I'm sorry." "Please don't be mad." "I'm not." "I just want to figure out what happened." "I don't know what happened." "I'm sorry about what I said." "I didn't mean it." "Just please tell her." "Tell her I'm sorry, will you?" " Why don't you tell her?" " Oh, God!" "No, I can't!" "Don't you see?" "I can't talk to her." "Why not?" "Because it doesn't change the way she looks at me." "She was upset." "Your mother was hurt because you quit the swim team." "I don't understand it myself." "No, I don't mean just now." "Don't you see?" "I don't mean just today." " What then?" "Explain it to me." " I can't." "It's all Jell-O and pudding with you." "You don't see things." "What things?" "What things?" "Please, I want you to tell me." "That she hates me." "Can't you see that?" "Your mother doesn't hate you." "All right." "You're right." "She doesn't." "Please leave me alone now." "What about this Dr. Berger?" "Is he helping you?" "Don't blame it on Berger." "It's not his fault." "I'll be downstairs if you need me." "Tuesday you felt great." "You bought a Christmas tree, it was all hunky-dory." "You're the doctor." "Don't take refuge in one-liners like "You're the doctor"." " That pisses me off." " OK." "It was fine until you had the fight with your mother." "Then it was lousy." "Yeah, but I don't blame her." "She's got her reasons." "It's impossible after the shit I've pulled." "What shit have you pulled?" "Remember, I'm talking proportion here." "Now, what shit?" "Come on." "You must be able to come up with at least one example." ""I tried to kill myself' is old turkey." " What have you done lately?" " Lately?" "Come on." "Listen, I'm never gonna be forgiven for that." "Never!" "You can't get it out." "All the blood in her towels, in her rug..." "Everything had to be pitched." "Even the bathroom tiles had to be re-grouted." "Christ, she fired the maid because she couldn't dust the living room right." "If you think I'm gonna forgive..." "that she's gonna forgive me..." "What?" "I think I just figured something out." "What?" "Who it is who can't forgive who." "Well, a real problem has a real solution." "I've heard this all before." " That doesn't make it any less true." " I'm so tired." "Well, that's a hell of a secret you've been keeping to yourself." "So what do I do now?" "Recognize her limitations." " You mean, like she can't love me?" " Kiddo, no." "She can't love you enough." "Don't blame her for not loving you more than she's able." "But she loves my father." "I know she loved my brother." "It's me." "Now we're back to the rotten-kid routine." "She can't love you because you're unlovable." "How come your dad loves you?" "You're a rotten kid." "That's different." "He feels responsible." "Besides, he loves everybody." "I get it." "The guy's got no taste." "He loves you, but he's wrong." "Look..." "Maybe she just can't express it the way you'd like her to." "Maybe she's just afraid to show you what she feels." "What do you mean?" "There's someone besides your mother you gotta forgive." "You mean me?" "for trying to off myself?" "Don't just stare at me." "What for?" "Why don't you give yourself a break?" "Let yourself off the hook?" "What did I do?" "What did I do?" " We'll talk about it on Thursday." " Come on!" " Time's up." " You're gonna pull the plug?" "What did I do?" " Come on, Con. You know the rules." " Can't I have a few minutes?" "You think about it." "Just think about it." "Jesus." "Say, after going to a new high, it falls to 112'/4, then rallies on good volume." "I shoot an order to buy four thou at the market." "If I get the 4,000 shares at 1 133/4, I know something's wrong." "But suppose the order I put in to buy the shares when the price was 1 133/4," "I get 2,000 at 114, 500 at 114'/4, and the rest on the way up, so the last 500 shares I pay 115'/2, then I know I'm right." " I'm gonna peel off here." " OK." " I'll see you, Cal." " See you later." "Suppose the order I put in to buy the shares..." "He walks all over us and you go and apologise." "..500 at 114'/4..." "It's all Jell-O and pudding with you." "You don't see things." "You've been apologizing ever since he got out of the hospital." "Tell her to stop it!" "You never tell her a thing!" "Buck never would've been in there!" "She hates me!" "Can't you see that?" " I wanna be clear." " That's good." "In the car, I was thinking "Be clear"." "Well, I suppose that's what psychiatry is about - being precise and clear." "And honest, of course." "I'll level with you." "I'm not a great believer in psychiatry." "OK." "I know what happens here is only between you and him, and I like that." "I respect that, and he's better, I can see that." "I'm not putting you down." "I just don't believe in psychiatry as a panacea." "Neither do I." "I wish I knew what the hell I was doin' here." "You said you thought you could shed some light on some things." " What did you mean by that?" " I think I meant in terms of Conrad." "You see, I knew something was wrong even before he tried to kill himself, but I thought that." "It's clear that he's very smart." "He's always been an A student, and naturally I thought that intelligent people could work out their problems." " But you still feel responsible." " Yeah, sure I do." "It's hard not to." "It was luck." "It was just luck that I happened to be there when he tried it." "I could have been at a meeting." "We both could have been away." "It was luck." "So you think of yourself as a lucky man." "No." "No." "I used to." "I used to think that I was a lucky person before... the accident." "I guess life's nothing but an accident." "What happens to you, what you do with it." "That sounds more like the philosophy of a drifter than a tax attorney." "Maybe I am drifting a little." "I can see myself, and I can see the mo of them drifting away from me, and I just stand there watching." " What do you want to do about that?" " Something." "I've gotta do something about it." "I feel like I'm sitting on a fence and I don't like it." "And you see them as on opposite sides of this fence." "Yeah." "No." "I don't know." "I see her not being able to forgive him." " for what?" " I don't know exactly." "Being too much like her." "People always think that she and Buck are... were alike." "But it's really she and Conrad." "They were the only mo that didn't cry at the funeral, you know?" "It's not easy for me to admit this, but she didn't..." "His mother doesn't show him much affection." "I'm not trying to put her down in any way." "She is a wonderful woman." "Did she give much affection to Buck?" "God, yes!" "She loved Buck." "Bucky got so much..." "I think what she felt for him was special." "He was her first-born." "That's not unusual, is it?" " And you?" " Me?" "I loved Buck." "What I mean is, your wife's affection." " for me, you mean?" " Yes." "Well, she's very..." "No, there's no problem with her for me." "We've been married nearly 21 years." "Everybody loves Beth." "But for Conrad it's been difficult." "He didn't talk about that?" "We don't know what happens here." "It doesn't come up." "I guess that's what it is." " It's private here, isn't it?" " Very private." "I think I know why I came here." "I think I came here to talk about myself." "OK." "Why don't we?" "Hi." "Calvin?" "What's the matter?" "This'll sound strange." "What I'm gonna say will sound strange." "What happened?" "Come inside." " Could we talk about Buck's funeral?" " What?" "I know it'll seem trivial, but it's on my mind, and I'd just like to talk about it." "Why?" "When I was getting dressed for Buck's funeral, I was..." " Calvin, what's the matter with you?" " Just let me get it off my chest." "What could dressing for Buck's funeral have to do with anything?" "I was wearing a blue shirt, and you said "Wear a white shirt and the other shoes."" "It was nothing at the time." "But it's always seemed to stay with me." "I've for some reason been thinking about it, and it suddenly occurred to me - what difference did it make what I wore?" "Hear me out." "It won't hurt you to listen." "No one in their right mind would listen to that!" "I just wanna talk about something I remember." "Why do you wanna remind me?" "I've always wondered, in some needling way, what it mattered what I wore." "I was crazy that day." "We were going to our son's funeral." "And you were worried about what I wore on my feet." "I'm sure it sounds like nothing to you, but I just wanted to tell you about it." "It's all right." "Beth, hi!" "How are you?" " Carol!" "How are you?" " I haven't seen you." "I've been so busy." "I promise I'll call you soon and we'll have lunch." "How's Brad?" "Give him my love." "Isn't this madness?" "It gets worse every year." " Goodbye." " Bye." "May I show you this in your size?" "What?" "May I show you this dress in your size?" "No." "No, thank you." "We've got the Bennetts' and the Grants' and the Foleys'." "Conrad should get something for my mother and father." "He's not meant to get something for his doctor, is he?" "I don't think so." "I think we should go see him, Beth." "Dr. Berger." " What?" " We could all go and see him together." " Why?" " He thinks it's a good idea." "He thinks it's a good idea?" "What does he know about me, this family?" " I've never even met him." " Exactly." "That's the point." "Wouldn't it be easier if we all talked about it, in the open?" "About what?" "What are we gonna talk about?" "Don't try to change me, Calvin." "I don't want any more changes in my life." "Hasn't enough happened?" "Let's just hold on to what we've got." "Darling, that is what this is for." "Maybe you'll get a surprise." "I don't want any surprises." "I'm not perfect." "If I can't hug everybody all the time like you do, then I'm sorry." "I'm not asking you to be perfect." "I don't want to see any doctors or counselors." "I'm me." "This is my family." "If we have problems, we will solve them in the privacy of our own home, not by running to some specialist every time..." "Are you folks ready to order?" "Could you give me a couple of minutes?" "..running to experts every time something goes wrong." "I know you mean well." " I want this to be a nice Christmas." " I do too." "I want all of them to be nice Christmases." "We need time together, Calvin." "You and I." "We have to get away." "New Year's." "We can spend some time in Houston with my brother and Audrey." "Play a little golf." "Relax." "I've already talked to Mother about it and Conrad can stay with them." "Don't worry about him." "Please, for his sake, don't indulge him." "We need time together." "OK?" "OK." "OK." "I love you." "I love you too." "Let's just give things time, OK?" "OK." "Conrad?" "I don't bowl." "I mean, I'm a horrible bowler." " That's all right." " Yeah, well..." "I got it." "That's OK." "Thing is, I'm a funny bowler." "We don't have to go bowling." "I'm not a bowling nut or anything." " How funny are you?" " On a scale from one to ten... about a ten." "That's pretty funny." "Well, I promise you won't look silly." " Guarantee it?" " Guarantee it." " Can you ever break the ball?" " Can't break the ball, can't break the floor, can't break anything in a bowling alley." "And that is what I like about bowling alleys." "You can't even break the record." " Anyway..." " What?" "Just "anyway"." "It's a conversation starter." " Catchy." " You like it?" "I thought it'd get to ya." "I've been workin' on it all day." "Do you think people are punished for the things they do?" "You mean by God?" " Yeah." " I don't believe in God." " Not at all?" " No." "It's not a question of degree." "You do or you don't." "I believe in God." "So are you afraid he'll punish you for something you did?" "I've done a lot of things I'm ashamed of." "Yeah?" "So have I." "Did it hurt?" "I don't remember really." " You don't want to talk about it?" " I don't know." "I've never really talked about it." "To doctors, but not to anyone else." "You're the first person who's asked." "Why'd you do it?" "I don't know." "It was like..." "falling into a hole." "It was like falling into a hole and it keeps getting bigger and bigger, and you can't get out." "Then, all of a sudden, it's inside, and you're the hole, and you're trapped and it's all over." "Something like that." "And it's not really scary, except it is when you think back on it, cos you know that what you were feeling was strange and new..." "." " Hey, Jarrett." " Come on!" "Hey, Jarrett, how ya doing?" "Hey, Jeannine." "What are you doing?" "No." "What's your problem?" "Lighten up!" "Energetic, those guys." " Yeah, they were pretty funny." " No." " What?" "You thought they were funny." " No..." " I'm sorry." " What for?" "Anyway." " Do you wanna talk?" " About what?" " Are you OK?" " Yeah." "Yeah, I'm fine." " I'll give you a call." " Will you?" " I want you to." " Sure." "Well..." "Guess I'll see you in choir." "OK, yeah." "Thanks." "OK." "I mean, good night." "Good night." " Seven." " Yes..." "It's not even plugged in." "In preparation for landing, please observe the "fasten seat belt" sign." "And, please, no smoking until well inside the terminal." "Thank you." "All right." "Watch this." "Pessimistic golfer." "Pessimistic golfer." "Oh, damn!" " Are we mo up?" "Two?" " Two." "Let's hustle up." "We're up close here." "I'll never get over how flat it is here." "I know it's flat, but we're gonna teach you to love it." "He's trying to get everybody to move down here." "Gosh, you guys, it is so good to see you." " You look tired, Cal." " Airplane Scotch." "Would you tell me why I'm still hungry?" "Cos you're in Texas, girl." "When we get done, we'll get ya home, get ya some steaks on the barbecue." " Audrey will make her famous salad." " And a baked potato and sour cream?" " How long has he had that drawl?" " Since we joined the country club." "I'm glad you can laugh about it, cos it sure as hell wasn't funny." " We weren't that bad." " Let's face it, we stunk." "How can you listen to that lecture about Buck Jarrett again?" "I know he was the world's greatest swimmer, but it bugs the hell outta me." "Stillman, cut it." " Will he ever stop kissing' his picture?" " Stillman, shut the hell up." " Con, you want a ride?" " No, thanks." " Sure could've used you today, buddy." " No, I don't think so." "Yeah" " I don't think anybody could've helped us today." "How's it goin', Jarrett?" "Hear you got eyes for Pratt." "You in her pants yet?" "Stillman, try not to be such a prick." "You're the prick." "Guys like you walk around like you're king shit, you give me a goddamn pain in the ass." "You think we owe you..." "Come on!" " Come on!" "Connie!" " Cool it, Jarrett." "No, Stillman!" "No!" "Let go." "It's all right." "Just calm down, huh?" "You're crazy." "You're crazy, you know that?" " Send him back where he came from!" " Enough." "It's over." "All right." "Shit!" "Here's your hat." "You wanna talk?" "The guy's a nothing." "He's a zero upstairs." "You know that, Con. Ever since fourth grade, you've known it." "So you make yourself look stupid when you let him get to you." " So I look stupid?" "Is that it?" " No, it isn't." "What is it with you?" "I don't know why you wanna be in this alone." "You know, I miss him too." "Connie, the three of us were best friends." "I can't help it." "It hurts too much to be around you." "I gotta go." "Yeah, OK." " Hello?" " Hello." "Is Karen there?" "She... ." "Is Karen there?" "This is Conrad Jarrett." "I'm a friend of hers." " Karen's dead." " What?" "What?" "She killed herself." "Let's have the best Christmas ever." "We can, you know." "We could have the best year of our whole lives." " Get the sail down!" " I can't hold it!" "Keep it starboard!" " Get the sail down!" " Keep it starboard." " Go for it." " I'm trying!" "I can't!" "Let it out!" " Let it out!" " Just keep it starboard." " Bucky!" " Give me your hand!" "Here!" "We screwed up this time, buddy." "Dad's gonna haul ass over this." "It ain't so goddamned funny!" " Just don't let go." " I won't." "Honest to God." "Everything's gonna be OK." "Hang on, brother." "Stay with me!" "Stay with me!" "Bucky!" "Where are you?" "Bucky!" "Bucky!" "Buck!" "Buck!" " Hello?" " This is Conrad." " What's going on?" " I need to see you." " What time is it?" " I don't know." " Where are you?" " I don't know." "All right." "Listen to me." "Get to the office somehow and I'll meet you there." "Good." "You're here." " Something happened." " Just hold on." " I need..." " Just let me get inside." "There." "Shit." "You'd think they would assume there'd be an emergency now and then." "No." "Don't take it off." "Just sit down." " Something happened." " What?" " It's." " It's what?" "Oh, God!" " I need something." " What do you need?" "Tell me." "It just keeps coming!" "I can't make it stop!" "Don't try." "I gotta get off the hook for it." " for what?" " for what I did." " What did you do?" " for what I did to him." " What did you do?" " It's something." "Don't you see?" "It's gotta be somebody's fault, or there's no goddamn point!" " Point?" "What point?" "It happened!" " No." "It ain't it." "No, I don't mean that." "It's that..." "Buck!" "Bucky, I didn't mean it!" " Bucky, I didn't mean it!" "Bucky!" " I know that." "It wasn't your fault." "It was!" "You said get the sail down, and I couldn't!" "I couldn't!" "It jammed!" "The halyard jammed." "I couldn't because the goddamn halyard jammed!" "And you're screwing around until it's too late to do anything!" "And I'm supposed to take care of it!" " And that wasn't fair, was it?" " No!" "And then you say "Hang on!"" "And then you let go!" " Why'd you let go?" " Because I got tired." "Yeah?" "Well, screw you, you jerk!" "It hurts to be mad at him, doesn't it?" "Yeah." "He just wasn't careful." "He didn't see how a bad thing might happen." "Bad things happen even when people are careful." "We were screwing' around." "We shoulda come in when it started to look bad." "OK." "So you made a mistake." "Why did he let go?" "Why?" "Maybe you were stronger." "Did it ever occur to you that you might have been stronger?" "How long are you gonna punish yourself?" "When are you gonna quit?" " Oh, God, I'd like to quit." " Why don't you?" "It's not that easy." "God..." "I loved him." "I know." "You said something happened." "What started all this?" "Karen..." "She killed herself." "I just found out she's dead." "Jesus." "And she was fine." "She was OK." "No." "She wasn't." "She was!" " She told me." "She said she was..." " What?" "She was busy, she was feeling good and..." "And what?" "What?" "I just wish I'd known." "I could've done something." "You saw her once, and you wanna take her on too?" " No!" " No?" " No, I just..." " What?" "That isn't it." "I feel really bad about this." "Just let me feel bad about this." "OK." "Listen, I feel bad about it too." "Why do things have to happen to people?" "It isn't fair." "You're right." "It isn't fair." "You just do one wrong thing and..." "And what was the one wrong thing you did?" "You know." "You know." "I hung on." "I stayed with the boat." "Exactly." "Now, you can live with that, can't you?" "I'm scared!" "I'm scared... feelings are scary." "And sometimes they're painful." "And if you can't feel pain, then you're not gonna feel anything else either." "You know what I'm saying?" "I think so." "You're here and you're alive." "And don't tell me you don't feel that." "It doesn't feel good." "It is good." "Believe me." "How do you know?" "Because I'm your friend." "I don't know what I would've done if you hadn't been here." "Are you really my friend?" "I am." "Count on it." "Hi." "I was gonna call, but I didn't wanna wake anyone." " It might've been easier." " About the other night." "I mean, I liked being with you." "I didn't like myself..." "Conrad, I was stupid." "That was dumb of me to laugh and it was my fault." "I just didn't know what to do." "I was embarrassed." "Really?" "You were embarrassed?" "Yes." "When those boys came in, it was awful and awkward." "That's what I do when I get embarrassed." "I laugh." "But they were all right." "They were just up and havin' a good time, and I let them get in the way of what was happening." "It was dumb." "I've been doing a lot of dumb things lately." "I just didn't know whether or not you were being straight with me." "Yeah?" "I'd like to try it again." "I thought it worked out OK." "Well, except for the bowling." " Yes." " Yes?" "Yes." "Are you going to school?" "No, not on Sunday." " Have you eaten?" " No, I haven't." "Do you want some breakfast?" "Mom!" " All right!" "How about that?" " Oh, boy." " Oh, I do love that." " These holes sure do love you." "We should spend more time playing golf together, you know that?" "Maybe our next vacation, strictly golf." "Pinehurst, Myrtle Beach..." "Pinehurst would be nice." "I think Connie would like Pinehurst." "Do you do that deliberately or is it just a reflex?" "You said vacation." "I assumed you meant him too." "I'm surprised you haven't called him." "I was gonna call him tonight." "Can we have a little drink before we head back?" "Drink, yes." "Little, no." " Let's finish this." " finish what?" " What you started." " What I started?" " What you started." " There's no point discussing it." "He controls you from 2,000 miles away." " He isn't the problem." " Isn't he?" "No." "Let's talk about what's really bothering you." "No, let's talk about what's bothering you." "That's what you want." "What have I done to make you so angry with me?" "It's not that, it's what you think I've done." "You blame me." "Can't you see anything except in terms of how it affects you?" "No!" "And neither can you or anybody else." "Only I'm more honest about it." "Well, stop being so honest and start being a little generous." "Think about him." " I don't know what he expects from me." " I'll tell you." "What?" "He wants me to throw my arms around him?" "Well, I can't." "I cannot respond when someone says "I just did this great thing." "Love me."" "All he wants is to know that you don't hate him." "That's it." "Hate him?" "My God!" "How could I hate him?" "Mothers don't hate their sons." "Is that what he told you?" "Do you see how you accept what he says and you can't do the same for me?" " I'm trying to keep this family together." " I don't know what people want of me!" "Beth, nobody wants anything from you." "We all just want..." "Cal, Con, everybody, we just want you to be happy." " Happy?" " Yes." "Ward, tell me the definition of happy." "But first make sure that your kids are safe, that no one's fallen off a horse, or been hit by a car, or drowned in that swimming pool you're so proud of." "Then you come to me and tell me how to be happy." "I think I'm gonna turn in." "Dinner was good." "Really good." " It's pretty early." "You tired?" " Yeah." "It was kind of a rough week." "I hope your grandmother wasn't too tough on you." "No." "She was fine." "I'm glad you're back." "Good night." "Calvin?" "Why are you crying?" "Can I... can I get you something?" " I don't..." " What did you say?" "Calvin, what did you say?" "Tell me." "You are beautiful." "And you are unpredictable." "But you're so cautious." "You're determined, Beth." "But you know something?" "You're not strong." "And I don't know if you're really giving." "Tell me something." "Do you love me?" "Do you really love me?" "I feel the way I've always felt about you." "We would have been all right if there hadn't been any... mess." "But you can't handle mess." "You need everything neat and easy." "I don't know." "Maybe you can't love anybody." "It was so much Buck." "When Buck died, it was as if you buried all your love with him, and I don't understand that." "I just don't know..." "Maybe it wasn't even Buck." "Maybe it was just you." "Maybe, finally, it was the best of you that you buried." "But whatever it was..." "I don't know who you are." "And I don't know what we've been playing at." "So I was crying." "Because I don't know if I love you any more." "And I don't know what I'm going to do without that." "Dad?" "The yard looks smaller without leaves." "Dad?" "What happened?" "Your mother's going away for a while." "Where?" "Why?" "Back to Houston." "Then, I don't know." "Why?" "What..." " I know why." "It's me, isn't it?" " No." " Yeah, it is." "It's my fault." " Don't do that!" "Don't do that to yourself!" "It's nobody's fault." "Things happen." "People don't always have the answers." "I don't know why I'm yelling at you." "No, you're right." "You oughta do that more often." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "Haul my ass, get after me." "The way you used to for him." "He needed it." "You didn't." "You were always so hard on yourself, I never had the heart." "Dad, don't." "No, it's the truth." "I never worried about you." "I just wasn't listening." "I wasn't putting out signals." "I don't think you could have done anything." "No, I should've got a handle on it somehow." "You know, I used to figure you had a handle for everything." "You knew it all." "It wasn't fair, but you always made us feel everything would be all right." "I thought about that a lot lately." "I really admire you for it." "Well, don't admire people too much." "They'll disappoint you sometimes." "I'm not disappointed." "I love you." "I love you too."