"Mark O'Brien has been going to UC Berkeley since 1978." "That's O'Brien in the motorized gurney heading for class last week." "He had polio when he was six years old." "The disease left his body crippled, but his mind remained sharp and alert." "And since he wanted to be a writer Mark O'Brien entered Cal to major in English and learn his trade." "He wrote this poem for us about school here and about graduation." ""Graduation."" "Today I hear the crowd's applause" "Receive congratulations from my friends" "Today I ask if I've found a place among the rest" "Who studied, read, wrote" "And passed the test in cap and gown." "Today I hope you see a man upon this stage." "Mark O'Brien teaches us that courage and perseverance overcome obstacles." "With Mark O'Brien at UC Berkeley Bill Hillman, Channel 5 Eyewitness News." ""Breathing."" "Look, you" "This most excellent canopy, the air" "Presses down upon me" "At fifteen pounds per square inch" "A dense, heavy, blue glowing ocean" "Teasing me with its nearness and immensity" "And all I get is a thin stream of it" "A finger's width of the rope that ties me to life" "Shit." "Okay, just focus." "Scratch with your mind." "Okay, your mind." "Scratch with your mind." "Good morning." "Good morning." "You're late." ""Joan."" "I swear this was one crazy bitch" "Who'd swing me about enough to scare me" "But careful enough so she could say:" ""Now what was all the yelling about?"" ""You polios are screamers." "Always were. "" "I didn't say a word." "I typed my skinny novel in my head" "And thought about revenge." "Would you mind if I asked you a favor?" "What, you need help moving furniture?" "I need an advance on my pay." "Like, two weeks." "Now, that's not exactly asking too much, is it?" "What if you don't last another two weeks?" "It was a real drag that I was no longer allowed to use my other gurney." "The self-propelled one." "It had caused a couple of spectacular accidents." "Basically, in spite of all the mirrors, I couldn't see where I was going." "Mary's fear and apprehension slowly gave way to pride and purpose." "Elizabeth, pregnant herself with Saint John felt the power of this wondrous woman." "It was Elizabeth, and her absolute faith that gave Mary the courage she was lacking." "And she gave thanks, saying, my soul doth magnify the Lord and my spirit hath rejoiced in God, my savior." "May the spirit of the Lord be amongst you and remain with you always." "Amen." "I'm definitely a true believer, but I believe in a God with a sense of humor." "A wicked sense of humor." "One who created me in his own image." "Hello." "I don't think we've met." "I'm Father Brendan." "I'm Mark O'Brien." "I knew Father Seamus very well." "I'm sorry that he's not here any more." "As are many others." "I'll do my best to fill his shoes." "You'd like me to hear your confession?" "Yes, I would." "I told my attendant to come back in half an hour." "Is that okay?" "I'm in no rush." "I can be a bit time-consuming but I'm worth the trouble." "I'm here for you, Mark." "Okay." "This is not exactly a confession." "I haven't yet done the deed." "I was sort of hoping to get a quote in advance." "What's on your mind?" "The most immediate thing on my mind would be one of my attendants." "Joan." "I'm thinking of getting rid of her." "It's an evil thought, but I can't help it." "Is she dishonest?" "Or incompetent?" "No." "Neither of those." "She looks at me the wrong way." "It's that "You need me more than I need you" look." "I'd like to show her she's wrong just for the evil satisfaction it will give me." "Is that a sin, Father?" "Well, it obviously troubles you." "Yeah, it troubles me a lot, because what if it's really just a power trip?" "You know?" "Yeah, me against her?" "Me against the world?" "I really wouldn't worry about that." "The question is whether you like having her around." "I can't stand her." "Well, then get rid of her." "If I were in a position to choose, I'd find someone nice." "Even if it was a power trip." "Then I have your blessing to fire her?" "Unofficially, yes." "That's good enough for me." "Hey!" "Ha!" ""Amanda."" "Amanda would have been a pretty girl" "To touch, to hold, to kiss." "Do you have any experience?" "No." "None at all." "That sounds perfect." "So how long can you stay out?" "Three or four hours." "Yeah?" "Depends on how much fun I'm having." "As she glided through crowds of lives" "She couldn't leave me lying there" "Dried-out bubble gum" "Stuck on the underneath of existence." "She took me on a picnic once" "With her boyfriend and another couple." "Lust crackled in the air." "And what did the boyfriend think?" "That I was in his way?" "I'm always in somebody's way, I thought" "The sun in my eyes." "And?" "And what?" "And do you touch him?" "What do you...?" "Yeah." "I do everything." "Do you have other questions?" "Gross." "What?" "What'd you say?" "Okay, look, no need to be defensive, okay?" "I'm not exactly threatened by this guy." "Yeah?" "Why not?" "God, he's much more a man than you are." "So, what does your boyfriend think of me?" "He's an asshole." "Doesn't matter what he thinks of you." "I'm interested in the opinion of an asshole." "He thinks that you are some kind of Svengali and that you're gonna hypnotize me into your cult." "He's right." "He says he can already see changes." "Her perfect, pale skin her Tudor court face her strong, fleshy legs Drove me to ecstasies of despair." "Want me to do that?" "All I wished for were hands that moved just to touch her." "That would have been enough." "So with a gentle, fearless heart she took me in." "I thrived in her garden and wanted more." "Okay." "Shirts, shirts, shirts." "Oh." "This you must have." "What?" "What is it?" "I love you." "Um..." "Did she reciprocate your feelings?" "She didn't seem to." "Sometimes people can be very shy about their emotions." "Well, in case she didn't get it the first time I told her again that I was in love with her and I wanted to marry her." "Thinking it might swing things." "Did it?" "Yeah." "She left." "Amanda could have been a pretty girl to touch, to hold, to take to bed." "I wish I knew what to say to you." "Welcome to the human race." "Every day, somebody breaks somebody else's heart." "And as I said, I'm here for you." "I just wish I had something more useful to offer." "All I have are these vague ideas about life and death that we priests are equipped with." "Have you considered sharing your feelings with a therapist?" "Not really." "Yeah?" "Father?" "I think I need a hug." "A hug?" "Yeah." "There you go." "Hi." "Vera?" "Yes." "Oh, hi, I'm Rod." "Hi." "I..." "I usually do 4 to midnights but we could switch if necessary." "Have you had any experience?" "Some." "Would you get that, please?" "Hello." "It's Sandy from Pacific News Service." "Could you press that button and put it on speakerphone, please?" " Hi, Sandy." " Hi, Mark." "How you doing?" "I'm good." "I have a new attendant." "She answered the phone." "Her name's Vera." "Welcome, Vera." "Thank you." "Mark, we're doing a series of articles that I think might interest you." "The subject is sex and the disabled." "It would involve interviewing people in the Berkeley area." "But why now?" "Because we've got the money now." "But if you're working on something else, then we can talk about it later." "No." "Now is fine." "Great." "There was no escaping it." "A door had opened that I could not close." "And in invisible writing, it said, "Do not enter."" "Most positions like that one are pretty much impossible." "I don't know if you can quite visualize it, but it's called a lateral or a sideways reverse cowgirl." "It's okay." "It's just a question of depth of penetration for most people." "Like my partner, for instance." "It doesn't really matter to me." "I mean, I get just as excited when he licks my nipples." "When he bothers to do that." "I think your tape's run out." "Oh." "Oh." "Do you want to continue?" "Uh..." "That's okay, Carmen." "I think I've actually got enough to work on." "Thanks." "Well, give me a call if you need anything." "Let me get you Greg's number." "He's full of things you wouldn't believe were possible." "Oral sex is a matter of taste." "And one thing that really works in my favor is that I smoke so much weed that my taste buds are pretty jaded." "This gives me a great deal of stamina in the tongue department." "And stamina is key in cunnilingus." "Who are these people?" "I feel like an anthropologist interviewing a tribe of headhunters." "Hi." "It's good to see you." "How are things?" "Well..." "Sorry." "Things are a little confusing at the moment." "I would appreciate your advice as a friend, if you know what I mean." "Sure." "And I understand what you mean." "You remember at one point you suggested I might see a therapist?" "Yes." "Well one way or another, it's a long story, I ended up seeing a therapist." "A particular sort of therapist." "A sex therapist." "Good morning, UC Berkeley." "May I please speak to someone in the Center for Sexuality and Disability, please?" "I'm sorry, sir." "The Center for Sexuality and Disability has been shut down." "Thank God." "Sir?" "I'm sorry to have bothered you." "It's no bother." "Oh, sir, before you go, I can give you a phone number for one of the therapists who used to work there." "Would you like that?" " It's not gonna fit." " It's fine." " We got you." "Everything's just fine." " I don't like this." "Let's forget it." "Do you want to see this woman or not?" "No!" "Oops." "Too late." "What floor?" "Eighteenth floor." "Oh..." "So what sort of chance do you give me?" "Of achieving your romantic fantasy?" "Very small to minute." "Oh, look, you don't have to pull any punches." "You can be direct with me." "Mark, I'm just a humble sex therapist." "I try to help people with sex problems that can be addressed." "Your problem, I understand, is that you've never had sex." "That's correct." "Would I be correct in assuming you're unable to masturbate?" "Correct." "Has anyone done it for you?" "No." "Have you ever asked anyone?" "Not specifically." "I asked someone to marry me once." "She declined." "Does that come close to masturbation?" "You know, being with the person you love is not the only way of expressing yourself sexually." "There are people called sex surrogates." "Oh?" "My penis speaks to me, Father Brendan." "Sometimes I ejaculate during a bed bath in front of my attendants." "All I feel is shame and mortification while other men apparently get pleasure." "I..." "I'm sorry if I sound angry." "Don't worry about it." "Go on." "This therapist suggested I could work with a sexual specialist." "Have sex with a person known as a sex surrogate who would be sensitive to my unusual needs." "I've been giving it some thought." "Hold..." "Hold on." "What do you mean, "have sex"?" "Well, when a man and a woman love each other very much..." "No, I understand what it..." "Are we talking about sexual intercourse?" "I think so." "Outside marriage?" "I did do my best on the question of marriage." "What's the difference between this sexual specialist and a common prostitute?" "I don't know, but I think there's a difference." "How old are you?" "Thirty-eight." "Why exactly now?" "I never had any cash before, that's a major factor." "And I'm probably getting close to my use-by date." "And this is what you wanted my advice on?" "Fornication." "Your advice as a friend." "Do I have the deciding vote, so to speak?" "Well, let's just say I value your advice just as much as I do the therapist's." "You're serious about this?" "I think sex is a serious matter." "It's one of the most persistent themes in the Bible." "So is it possible for me to know a woman in the Biblical sense, so to speak?" "And..." "And do I want to find out?" "You want my opinion?" "Please." "In my heart, I feel like he'll give you a free pass on this one." "Go for it." "Huh?" "Go for it." "Really?" "Yes." "If you feel up to it." "Do you feel up to it?" "To tell you the truth I'm scared." "Well, then, we should pray." "Sweet Jesus Mark and I sit at your feet and pray that you bless this little journey." "This one small step for a man." "I really feel proud of myself." "Imposing on someone I hardly know to fornicate in their home." "Get over it." "It's perfectly normal." "Ta-da!" "Wow." "There are all sorts of useful things in that drawer over there if you guys feel like exploring." "Oh, that's okay." "I'll bring my own sheets and towels." "No, everything will be provided." "I'm really honored that you asked me." "It'll be great karma for the house." "Great karma for the house?" "My God, the pressure already." "I can't stand it." "Hey." "It's Tony." "Hi." "This is Laura White." "Is Cheryl in, please?" " Cheryl." " What is it?" "Phone." "She's coming." "I'm not your girlfriend." "When someone calls particularly someone you don't know, you can use the word "Mom."" "Hello." "This is Cheryl." "Hi." "It's Laura." "Haven't heard from you for a while." "How are you?" "Pretty well." "Look, I called to ask how you would feel about working with a severely disabled client." "I'm f..." "Can you hold on one second?" "Hey get a glass." "Hello." "Mark O'Brien's phone." "Hi, this is Cheryl Cohen Greene." "May I speak to Mark?" "Uh, uh..." "Yeah, could you hold a second?" "What?" "What am I doing here?" "Yes or no?" "Come on, make up your mind." "Okay." "Yeah." "Go ahead." "Hello." "This is Mark." "Hi, Mark." "This is Cheryl." "Laura called to introduce you." "I understand you'd like to meet." "Is that right?" "Uh..." "Yes." "I could see you on the thirteenth at 11:00." "Would that be any good for you?" "Oh." "Uh..." "Yes, I think that would be fine for me." "Where are you from?" "Boston." "You?" "Salem." "Small world." "Oh." "We'll talk for a while to begin with, and when you're ready we'll start doing some body-awareness exercises." "Holy Mother of God." "What are body-awareness exercises?" "Which one?" "Doesn't matter." "Will you stop acting like you're going to your own execution?" "I'm not acting." "Okay, the purple one." "Just try and think about something else." "Baseball, for example." "That's what they usually tell boys to do." "Baseball." "You mean like hope I make it to second base?" "That's helpful." "Okay." "All right." "Be like that." "Uh..." "Maybe she forgot." "Yeah, she forgot or she got the date wrong." "We should..." "We should just forget it." "Let's go back." "Come on." "She has not forgotten." "See?" " Hi." " Hi." "Come on in." "All right." "Hi." "Hi." "Thank you." "Okay." "I'm going." "I'll be back around 1, but if you guys are finished early you can just let yourselves out." "Okay." "Have fun." "Thanks." "Bye." "Bye." "What time is it?" "Twelve after 11." "I think there's a strong possibility she's had second thoughts." "Mark." "If she does arrive, she'd be perfectly within her rights to turn around and run." "She won't." " Hi." "I'm Cheryl." " Hi." "Sorry I'm late." "Oh, no, no, not a problem." "Come on in." "I'm Vera, one of Mark's helpers." "Nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you, too." "Just..." "Hi, Mark O'Brien." "Hi, Cheryl Cohen Greene." "I'll be back in, say, two hours?" "Yes." "Perfect." "Okay." "So..." "Your money's on the desk over there." "Yes, it is." "Thank you." "That was the wrong way to start off." "It really was." "Shall we start again?" "Please." "You start." "Although the aim is for us to have sex I'm not a prostitute." "You don't have to pay me up front." "I have nothing against prostitutes, but there's a difference." "We can talk about that later." "I'm sorry." "The other thing is, there's a limit to the number of sessions we can have." "Did Laura mention that when you saw her?" "I'm sorry." "I don't remember." "The limit is six, but that gives us plenty of opportunity to explore." "Six." "So I understand you're able to have an erection." "Yes, but not by choice." "Do you know how many men there are who would give anything for a natural erection?" "Is this your place?" "No, it's a friend's." "The only bedroom furniture I have at my place is an iron lung." "I've been wondering maybe about possibly buying a futon you know, in case the need arose." "It might be worth thinking about." "I've got the space, I think." "It can be expensive, though, a nice..." "Futon, I mean." "How much do you think a good one would cost?" "Because I never..." "Mark, take a deep breath." "Yeah." "And let go." "Do I seem anxious?" "You do a little." "So Laura tells me you're a poet." "What's it like to be a poet?" "It's a way of living inside your own head, which is where I spend most of my time." "But not today." "Nice shirt, by the way." "Thank you." "So I'm gonna ask you some basic questions, okay?" "Sure." "Explain to me, so that I really understand exactly what the iron lung is for." "It keeps me breathing." "I can spend a few hours outside of it with my portable respirator depending on how I feel but I work and sleep in the iron lung." "And how do you feel right now?" "Out of my league." "I meant your breathing." "Oh, fine." "In fact, better than usual." "That's great." "Shall we get undressed?" "Sure." "So it's good for me..." "Be careful." "Did that hurt?" "Not yet." "Do you have any areas of unusual sensitivity?" "Any parts of your body you don't want me to touch?" "I have normal sensitivity all over." "I'm not paralyzed exactly." "It's just my muscles don't work too good." "But you could touch me anywhere." "That's great." "Ow!" "Ow!" "Stop!" "It hurts!" "It hurts!" "Holy Mother of God." "What...?" "What's wrong?" "Ahh!" "My fingers are caught." "It's okay." "It's okay." "I've got it." "I've got you." "Don't worry." "Be careful, please." "Mark, I'm gonna be really careful with you." "I don't want to hurt you or injure you in any way." "And it's really not sexy when you yell at me." "Okay?" "I won't yell at you any more." "But you'll tell me, calmly the minute something starts to hurt." "Yes." "Okay." "Here we go." "Piece of cake." "Heh." "Nice shirt." "You already said that." "Did I?" "Okay." "I'm gonna slide these down." "Be careful with my feet, okay?" "My feet." "Be careful." "Hold your breath." "Okay." "Whoa." "There you go." "Careful." "Not so fast." "You ready?" "Whoa." "I'm gonna take that as a yes." "So the difference between me and a prostitute is a prostitute wants your return business." "I don't." "I'm here to help you learn about your sexual feelings so you can share them with a future partner." "Mark, I want you to tell me how it feels each time I touch a different part of your body." "Okay?" "You know, whenever I'm naked everyone else in the room is always dressed." "Now that I'm in bed with another naked person, it's very confusing." "Why is it confusing?" "I'd always expected that God or my parents would intervene to keep this moment from ever happening." "Not this time." "So if something feels good, you tell me." "If something is ticklish or bothers you, I want you to let me know." "I don't want you to tolerate anything." "Okay." "I'm gonna start with the top of your head." "You have soft hair." "It's really nice to touch." "Does it feel good?" "It does." "That feels weird." "Weird good or weird bad?" "Just weird." "That's good." "Still good?" "Everything good so far except the ear." "Are these the body awareness exercises?" "You're very clever to have worked that out." "People tell me I'm very perceptive." "Mark, would you like to see what I feel like?" "Sure." "You touch one, you have to touch the other." "It's sort of a rule." "That's a good rule." "Are you wearing cologne?" "Yes." "I like it." "I don't usually like cologne, but I like that." "So, Mark, I'm gonna move my hand along your body down to your penis, and if you feel me..." "Ooh!" "Oh." "Nice job." "I thought there would be more to it." "Not that it was unpleasant." "After all, I was in bed with a naked woman." "She complimented me on my shirt, my hair." "She held my penis." "I haven't even seen my penis for over 30 years." "Am I sharing too much, Father?" "No, no." "I'm used to it." "So next week." "Friday the 20th, same time?" "That's good for me." "Next time, we'll start to work on intercourse." "Were you afraid at the thought of seeing me?" "Oh, God, I was terrified." "You should be proud of yourself." "You did great." "We've made real progress." "Can I ask you something?" "Sure." "What would you like to ask?" "Anything, really." "Just tell me something about yourself." "Anything." "Okay." "Um..." "I'm a very private person." "I have a private life." "I need you to be aware of that." "But that's about it." "This therapy's about you." "Hello." "Welcome back." "Perfect timing." "I hope you guys kept the noise down." "See you then." "What was it like?" "How do you feel?" "Cleansed and victorious." "Doesn't get any better than that." "How about your first time?" "Oh, let me think." "What was it like?" "It wasn't all that pleasant." "Oh." "I mean, it was consensual and everything and I was in love with the guy, but his dick seemed enormous to me." "I didn't think it would fit." "It was scary." "He was nice." "I guess he couldn't help it." "Was he Chinese?" "Are you kidding me?" "I only dated white guys in high school." "Why is that?" "Stick it to my mom and dad, I suppose." "Are they happy now you have a Chinese boyfriend?" "They're happy." "I'm happy." "What's his dick like?" "Perfect size." "Why do you call it a dick instead of a penis?" "Dick..." "Penis sounds like some vegetable you don't want to eat." "Heh, heh." "Dick sounds like what it is." "The thing is it was all over so damn quickly." "Yeah, tell me about it." "First session." "Mark O'Brien is the oldest of four children and raised Catholic." "He was extremely nervous." "He yelled a lot when I took off his shirt, but I think more out of fear than pain." "He cannot masturbate, has had only the occasional kissing experience." "He's capable of achieving an erection easily, but the unusual curvature of his body could be a serious obstacle to intercourse." "I just started working with this gentleman who spends almost his entire life trapped in a big metal box." "Did you hear what I said?" "Yes." "Yes." "And you are a saint." ""Sometimes the head of the penis may be too large to penetrate the vaginal opening smoothly in which case the application of lubricant is recommended to avoid possible..."" "Oh, my God." "So, what's on the menu for today?" "We're attempting intercourse." "Heh." "The big one." "What do you think of it?" "Intercourse." "Overrated but necessary." "Plenty of other ways of achieving the same result." "Somehow you don't feel like you've done it until you've gone all the way in." "I want you to look at me this time." "Come on, give it a try." "Open your eyes." "Do you like watching me undress?" "I do." "So from now on you're gonna start to listen to signals from your body." "That way, you'll be able to have some control..." "Oh, God!" "Oh, God." "Damn." "Shit." "I did it again." "This time, I ejaculated on her thigh." "I felt cursed." "That the whole enterprise was cursed." "It seemed like a totally just punishment." "God wasn't actually denying my sexuality." "He was just pointing out to me how useless it was." "It's amazing to me how often God is brought into the sex act." "I understand even among nonbelievers the most common expression of sexual ecstasy is, "Oh, God." Heh." "Okay, I don't want to hear any more about God cursing you." "I want the credit." "It was my overpowering beauty that did it." "It took you by surprise." "Now, where were we?" "What do you mean, "Where were we?"" "I'm gonna touch you." "I'm touching you." "Okay." "And when we both feel you're aroused like now, I'm gonna guide you inside me." "Is there anything I need to do?" "Just close your eyes and feel your body." "That's all you need to do." "It won't fit." "It's not going to fit." "Mark, it will fit just fine." "No, it's dangerous." "It's too big." "It's not too big." "Relax." "No, it won't fit." "It'll hurt." "It's too risky." "Mark, Mark, stop." "Stop." "I promise you nothing bad will happen." "Let's try again while you're still hard." "Shit!" "Shit." "Shit." "I'm really sorry." "Stop being sorry." "And stop reading those stupid sex manuals." "There's still some time left." "We could talk." "Or you could suck my nipples." "That went well." "Or which would you like to do first?" "I believe the root of his anxiety is his parents and his religion." "He believes he doesn't deserve sex." "He believes he's responsible for his little sister's death at the age of 7 because his mother was too busy looking after him." "We discussed his fantasies, which were mostly masochistic." "Again, the idea of being punished." "He's never seen female genitalia before and seems quite frightened at the thought of it." "My worry now is that it's never gonna happen." "I'm never gonna have intercourse with Cheryl or any other woman." "Maybe intercourse would prove I was an adult." "Maybe I don't want to cross that line." "Maybe this is a bad idea." "Do you want to know what I think?" "Please." "Forget the psychobabble." "I grew up on a farm." "Even the animals need a couple of tries to get it right." "May I suggest you try to enjoy it more?" "Don't worry about the technical stuff." "You're a poet." "Be romantic." "Uh..." "No." "Uh..." "Maybe." "Yes." "Thanks." "That's good." "All right." "Okay." "You nervous?" "A little." "Want a spritz?" "Yes, of course I would." "I have a good feeling about today." "A very good feeling." "Good." "I had a feeling it was never going to happen but I think today's the day." "Can I make a suggestion?" "Please." "Stop thinking about it." "Couldn't have wished for nicer weather." "You're not listening, are you?" "Stop thinking about it." "Beautiful weather." "Oh, my God, Mark." "I'm so sorry." "I forgot." "She was very apologetic." "Look, it may not be exactly what we had in mind but I noticed a couple of blocks from here a pretty nice motel." "Might be worth checking out." "Why not?" "Do you have anything on the ground floor?" "I've got a single." "How much?" "Thirty-five plus tax." "My boss is the gentleman in the gurney." "He's supposed to be having a therapy session." "The facility we normally use had some scheduling mix-up." "We just need the room for two hours." "Can you do 20 cash?" " A soda machine around the corner." " Thanks." " And an ice machine if you need it." " I'm sure it'll come in handy." "Thank you so much." "Okay, that's it." "I've got a book to read." "I'll be hanging around reception if you need me." "Thanks." "Very atmospheric." "Some people find motels exciting." "Do you think I could be one of those people?" "Of course." "Nice shirt." "As in racy and sophisticated?" "You took the words right out of my mouth." "What's wrong with your boss?" "Basically he can only move his head." "So, what sort of therapy are they doing?" "They're having sex." "You're shitting me." "Okay." "I'm shitting you." "Oh, no, come on, tell me for real." "What are they actually doing?" "Well, today, after some appropriate foreplay they're gonna try to achieve full penetration." "Are you okay down there?" "I'm choking." "Oh, my God." "The mouthpiece." "The mouth..." "Thank you." "Well, I guess that's off the menu until further notice." "Come on." "Lighten up." "Bonny girl, bonny girl" "Won't you be my bonny girl?" "My dad used to sing that to my little sister Karen before she died." "She was kind of a sad little girl." "It didn't do much good." "I'm really sorry that the last time I saw her I fought with her and made her cry." "My parents could have left me in a nursing home, you know." "Then they found out that the average life expectancy for polios in nursing homes was 18 months." "They took me home." "Gave me a life." "Gave up theirs." "Mark I'm just going to go to the bathroom for a quick pee and when I come back, we're going to achieve full penetration." "But before I go, I want you to close your eyes." "Is this a game?" "It's not a game." "Just do as I say." "Close your eyes." "Picture yourself as a 6-year-old boy at the beach." "Can you do that?" "Yes." "Very easily." "Describe some of your feelings." "I feel exhilarated." "Running along the Atlantic Ocean." "I feel the wind." "Wet sand between my toes." "Do you really feel like him?" "Yes, I really feel like him." "And can you really picture him?" "I don't understand." "I said I could feel like him." "Of course I can picture him." "From the outside." "I mean, as an adult." "As you are now." "Looking at him, with his crew cut and his little face." "Yes." "And are you mad at him?" "Do you blame him for getting polio?" "Was it his fault?" "She either forgot to close the bathroom door or didn't bother to close it." "I found the sound of her peeing incredibly erotic." "And the sound of her tearing off toilet paper incredibly intimate." "By the time she came back, I had a terrific boner." "Go on." "I'm gonna rub the tip of your penis around my vulva." "And when it's ready, I'll guide you in." "Breathe slowly and think of something delicious." "They've been a long time." "Uh-huh." "You got a boyfriend?" "Yes." "I grew up in Salem." "Raised Catholic, like you but the Church did not appreciate my attitude toward sex." "You had an attitude toward sex?" "I did." "I liked it." "They think they threw me out, but I threw them out." "So, for years, I didn't believe in anything and now I'm converting to Judaism." "Well, it's good to have some kind of insurance." "Oh, I didn't think of that." "Then why are you doing it?" "My husband asked me to do it before his grandmother dies." "The idea is, if it makes her happy and him happy it'll do the same for me." "The fact that I'm already happy does not seem to be relevant." "What does your husband do?" "He's a philosopher." "Wow." "At a university?" "No." "In his own mind." "He runs the house and plays guitar." "He thinks a lot." "It's getting late." "Hey, we did great today." "You were fantastic." "You're a fully-fledged male Homo sapien endowed with a handsome and substantial penis which now has a proven track record." "You should be thrilled." "Was I really inside you?" "You were really and truly inside me." "For how long?" "At least five or six seconds." "Is that all?" "That's a long time for some people." "You were pretty excited." "I don't know what you were thinking about." "Yeah, I, whew, heh..." "I don't, either." "Heh." "It was..." "It was all a jumble of sensations." "Well, you definitely achieved penetration." "It was penis-vagina all the way and you definitely get an "A" for orgasm." "Cheryl." "Did you come?" "No, Mark, I didn't." "Can we try for that next time?" "Is that what you want?" "Yes." "That's what I want." "Okay, then." "Hi." "How you doing?" "Good." "Good." "Come on in." "How are you?" "Still exhausted." "Beer?" "No, I'm okay." "Oh, you need a glass?" "That'd be great." "So on reflection, how do you feel?" "It was okay." "I liked some of the other stuff just as much or better, but I'm glad it's behind me." "So am I. Congratulations." "Thanks." "Thanks, Rod." "When this is all over, I'm gonna write an article about it." "After all, sex sells." "Seriously." "So you're only doing this for the money?" "Oh, absolutely." "That makes me feel so much better about everything." "What is she like?" "Cheryl." "You've never said anything about her." "She's the most wonderful person on the planet." " How's it going?" " He reads too many books." "He has it in his head that after meeting three times we should be able to have penetrative sex which results in simultaneous orgasm." "Boom, just like that." "That's very funny." "Yeah, I guess it is." "What do you think of him?" "Cheryl?" "I like him." "What are you thinking about?" "Nothing." "I don't believe you." "Okay, I was just thinking about the whole conversion thing." "I still don't believe you." "Then whatever it is I guess I'm not in the mood for talking about it." "So?" "What do you think?" "Hello." "This is Cheryl." "Hey." "Mark?" "Hey." "Could we meet somewhere for coffee?" "Somewhere nice?" "My treat." "I don't usually meet with clients outside of working hours." "You know that." "We don't have to talk business." "Mark appears to be indulging in typical transference behavior." "We know this is not unusual after first successful intercourse but I think he's particularly susceptible." "He cannot help but seeing me as the multifunctional, all-purpose woman." "Mother, sister, teacher, lover, best friend." "At the same time, his anxiety about sexual performance has diminished." "You look stunning." "Look at this." " Thank you." " You're welcome." "Could you put my cup right on the edge here?" "Sure." "Right on the edge." "And stick the straw in my mouth, please." "Is that okay?" "Perfect." "Oh, sir, I'd wait a couple minutes." "That coffee's kind of hot." "Oh, thanks." "You're welcome." "So, what should we talk about?" "You know, we don't have to do much talking." "I just wanted to be seen with you in public." "And I want people to say, "Hey, who's that gimp with that beautiful blond?" "Ha, ha, ha." "How did he get so lucky?"" "If an old girlfriend from school you hadn't seen for years showed up here suddenly, like, right now how would you introduce me?" "As your boyfriend?" "As my husband." "I mean, why not go all the way?" "Really?" "We're pretending, right?" "So sure." ""Love Poem for..." "For No One in Particular."" "Tell me..." "Tell me..." "Tell..." "Let me." "Let me..." "Let me what?" "Really?" "Really, aren't you the one that's always said it can't get personal?" "That's a whole other thing." "What are you doing opening my mail?" "It was scented." "I assumed it was junk mail." "Even less reason to open it." "Where is it?" "Give it to me." "You're not getting it." "This is none of your business." "You're still not getting it." "I threw it out." "You didn't." "I fucking did!" "What's up?" "Would you ask your mother to pass the salt, please?" "Ahem." "Cheryl, would you please pass the salt?" "Listen, I'm..." "I'm sorry." "I know I really upset you before." "No, no, no." "You didn't." "I'm fine." "You sure?" "Yes." "I promise." "Really?" "Yes." "In fact, I've come around to your point of view." "You were right." "You're usually right about these things." "It was quite a lovely poem, really." "Nothing astounding but it was heartfelt, and then..." "Babe." "Everything's great." "I just need to get to sleep." "Okay." "Good night." "Let me touch you with my words." "For my hands lie limp as empty gloves." "Amanda." "I haven't seen you in a while." "I know." "I'm sorry." "I'm, um..." "Well, I'm going to Germany so I wanted to say goodbye to you before I left." "Why are you going to Germany?" "To study German." "For how long?" "One or two years, maybe." "But, you know, we should keep in touch." "Yeah, but why go to Germany?" "It's the only place in the world where humor is forbidden." "What?" "You could always make me laugh." "I love you, Mark." "I really do." "Really?" ""Yes, I love you, but not in that way."" ""I love you, but I'm not in love with you."" "Blah, blah, blah." "The same old story." "I'm sorry." "I think it's great what you're doing with that surrogate lady." "Well, it could have been you." "Yeah, it could have been but it wasn't." "I had this faint hope that she would show the slightest bit of jealousy." "Shows you how naive I am." "The fact that I was no longer a virgin that I was a made man, so to speak it made no difference to her at all." "Want to go out sometime?" "No." "I don't think so." "What?" "Your boyfriend?" "No." "I'm busy." "That's all." "What's wrong with this anyway?" "We're having a nice time, aren't we?" "It's okay." "Well, if you have stuff to do, I can go take a walk if you're busy, and come back later." "No, no." "Stay." "Stay." "So come on, tell me." "What kind of therapist is she, really?" "I told you the first time." "She's a sex therapist." "Today, they're working on simultaneous orgasm." "What's that?" "Boy, am I glad to see you." "Don't you say that to all the girls?" "Yes, but I always mean it." "Remember about your breathing?" "Concentrate on breathing out rather than in." "Mark was able to achieve an erection as soon as I put my mouth on him." "He did the controlled breathing as I suggested and I was able to get on top and guide him in quite easily." "Shit." "Is it really in?" "It's really in." "I couldn't believe it." "I was finally there." "Too soon, I came." "But she kept holding me inside her." "Then a look of pleasure brushed lightly over her face as though an all-day itch were finally being scratched." "She put her hands down on the bed by my shoulders and kissed my chest." "This act of affection moved me deeply." "I almost wept." "No one had ever done anything like that." "It was so unexpected." "So natural." "I love you." "I love you." "Did you come?" "Yes." "Mark is breathing well learning to pace himself." "There is no real impediment to a variety of sexual activities given the right sort of partner." "His deeper emotional needs are outside the scope of my potential involvement." "What happens when...?" "What happens when what?" "When people become attached to each other." "What people?" "Just people." "What's the chemistry in it all?" "When people are attracted to each other." "Are you attracted to me?" "God, no." "Ha-ha-ha." "I'm just talking hypothetically." "Hypothetically they write poems." "They have sex." "And what happens next?" "After poetry and sex?" "Nothing or everything." "The rest is by negotiation, as it were." "What do you mean?" "I mean, you can leave it at love and attraction or you can make things complicated, like most people do." "Have you?" "Yes." "Then, afterwards there was this moment." "This glimpse of an awful sadness to come." "Can I use the phone?" "Sure." "Will you call their room?" "Hold on." "Thanks." "What should we do next time?" "Any requests?" "Mark?" "I'm thinking." "We have two sessions left Is that correct?" "That's right, or..." "Or what?" "Or we could stop now." "You mean make this the last session?" "Yes." "What do you think we should do?" "It's not we." "It's you, Mark." "It's up to you." "I want to know how you feel." "That doesn't come into it." "Yes, it does." "I don't just write poems to anyone." "Mark, what do you want me to say?" "How much I was touched by that?" "How special this has been for me?" "That's not gonna help you." "It's gonna make it worse." "So you're saying that the sixth session, that would be it?" "That would be it." "If it's any consolation it's also hard for me to think about it." "Then maybe we should pull the plug now." "I think we should." "I guess you might as well save that money." "Buy yourself a futon." "Just a second." "Bye, Mark." "Bye." "Everything all right?" "He did great." "See you." "Sorry." "I have to run." "Okay." "You forgot this." "Thank you." "I wanted to believe that because of Cheryl my life had changed, but it hadn't." "I just kept thinking, "Is that it?" "Is that all there is?"" "I think you've done a great thing." "So is this your first time?" "It is." "I'm converting." "Oh, wonderful." "Come here." "I need to look at your hands your fingernails and your toenails." "So, what do you do?" "I don't think you'd understand." "You can try me." "Okay." "I'm a housewife." "Why shouldn't I understand?" "Maybe I was mistaken." "Turn around." "And drop your robe halfway." "I'm gonna check for any loose hairs on your back." "That looks good." "I'll take the robe and you can let your hair down now." "I see you're very comfortable being naked." "It's never been one of my problems." "Sometimes new brides come with their mothers." ""Do I have to take this off?" "Can I please leave this on?"" "They've never been naked before." ""No, honey, it all has to come off."" "And it does?" "And it does." "They stand at the edge of this pool with nothing to cling to but themselves." "Nothing to hide behind." "This is your body." "This is the body that God crafted for you." "Okay, Mark." "You can open your eyes now." "This is your body." "This is your body." "Here among the..." "Oh, about 37,000 here tonight at the Stick." "Local boy makes good first time back in a visiting uniform." "Runner on first with one out to the lanky left fielder." "And the pitch." "And he struck him out!" "I don't think he was expecting that." "Yeah, you can do it." "Come on." "The person you are calling is not in." "Please leave a message." "Rod." "I need your help." "The power's gone out including the pump on the iron lung." "I'd say I got about three hours before I start to turn blue." "I hope you get this in time." "It's Mark." "I'll try 911." "Ohh!" "Shit." "So this is how it ends." "Mark." "Can you open your eyes for me, Mark?" "Can you hear me?" "Mark?" "Come on, Mark." "They'll be letting you go today." "Whoever looks after you will leave the portable respirator switched on at night, fully charged." "You'll have at least one backup system." "Okay?" "Okay." "How close was I?" "To what?" "You know, to the..." "That tunnel thing and the..." "The light and the voice saying, "Don't go near the light."" "Is that what you remember?" "No, I assume I passed out." "Before that, I remember feeling sorry for myself." "Hmm." "Do you feel relieved now?" "No." "Relieved that Rod got to me in time, but I..." "I still feel sorry for myself." "Well, I'm sure there's a cure for that." "Do you want to talk to someone or...?" "I feel comfortable talking to you." "Well, I'm just a volunteer." "I'm not a therapist." "I can recommend you to someone, if you like." "I'm..." "I'm sorry to be rude." "I'm just smiling at the idea that a therapist could do anything useful for me right now." "My priest couldn't." "Are you religious?" "Yes." "I would find it absolutely intolerable not to be able to blame someone for all this." "Are you?" "No." "I don't..." "I don't go to any church or..." "I don't think about God very much." "I do believe there's a mysterious logic or poetry to life." "I guess that makes me a spiritual type." "Yes." "That would count." "Would you like me to visit you?" "Are you married?" "No." "Do you have a steady boyfriend?" "No." "Then please visit as often as you can." "Bye." "Bye." "Take care." "Hey, hang on a second." "There's just one more thing I want to tell you." "What's that?" "I'm not a virgin." "Go ahead." " Thank you for sharing that with me." " Sure." "I'm flabbergasted." "She adores me." "She'll do anything for me, and I can get pretty kinky sometimes." "Here I was, ready to offer comfort to the forlorn." "It's supposed to be my specialty." "Well, I guess I can throw away that little speech." "No, no." "Please, make the little speech." "I'd love to hear it." "Okay, fine." "Here goes." "The meaning of love." "Love is a journey." "I like it already." "That's it." "That's all I've got." "I told you, it's short." "Love is a journey." "Heh." "I met Susan five years before I died." "She was the love of my life." "We had the same priorities." "Baseball pretty much came first." "And we wrote each other mushy poems." "I never expected it, nor did she but that's often the way things turn out." "Susan Fernbach." "They say there is a cup of life which is either half empty or half full depending on how you feel about things." "Of course, the two halves were never even." "Not in my case, that's for sure." "I mean, look at all the years of unendurable crap I've had to put up with." "That fills most of the cup." "But in the little bit that's left what do I have to show for myself?" "At the very least three beautiful women who all loved me." "And who will all show up at my funeral." "His was a dynamic voice in a paralyzed body." "A life lived fully long after he should have been dead." "And against all odds, by Mark's own admission he knew love." "Emotional and physical love." "And in this way, Mark lived his life." "Day by day by day breath by breath by breath." "For 49 years, he loved and he was loved." "And now Susan Fernbach will read one of Mark's favorite poems." "This is called:" ""Love Poem for No One in Particular."" "Let me touch you with my words" "For my hands" "Lie limp as empty gloves." "Let my words stroke your hair" "Slide down your back and tickle your belly." "For my hands" "Light and free-flying as bricks" "Ignore my wishes and stubbornly refuse" "To carry out my quietest desires" "Let my words enter your mind" "Bearing torches" "Admit them willingly into your being" "So they may caress you gently within" "Within"