"And, er... how do you feel in yourself?" "Sorry?" "How do you feel in yourself?" "Does that mean the same as, "How do you feel"?" "Yes." "Fine." "Although, actually, I am feeling a bit... unhumped." "Unhappy?" "That's the one." "There's this girl who I like... like, a lot, but she's not speaking to me, so..." "Women, eh?" "Can't live with 'em, can't live without them." "That's good." "So true." "Is that like, Buddha?" "Seriously?" "Cos if that's your own, you should work that up into a novel or something." "So, now, you need to be aware that taking drugs as part of a medical trial does have risks, however small those may be." "Dude, I've gobbled blank pills knocked out by rudeboys in gas masks." "I go to un-franchised fried chicken outlets." "I think I can handle a little bit of medical testing." "Will it definitely come up?" "They're meeting for a big chat, JP." "Ooh, big chat." "No-one likes a big chat." "Still, maybe it won't." "That for the first month I was going out with Josie," "I was also going out with Heather as well?" "Well, maybe it won't, so long as they don't talk about any of the following - men, relationships, emotions, life, what either of them have been doing, or how they've been feeling." "Yeah, so it probably will." "When's Heather getting back from Honkers?" "Tomorrow, and please don't call Hong Kong "Honkers"." "I know you're posh." "You don't need to remind me." "Dude, can you seriously stop fiddling with your bulbs?" "Regular checks, my friend." "A check a day keeps testicular cancer at bay." "Is that an official rhyme?" "The best time is after a shower when the skin of the scrotum is more relaxed." "Oh, mate, I do not want to hear about how chillaxed your scrotum is." "Maybe Heather's plane will crash, then I wouldn't have to tell Josie." "I mean, I'm not saying I WANT that to happen, but it would be great for me if it did." "Who's she flying with?" "Cathay Pacific." "Cathay Pacific?" "No dice." "Oh..." "Well, that's it, then." "It's over." "Yep, you're fucked." "So, for the next three days, do you want to come medical trialling?" "We get PAID to take drugs." "It's like a job, but... good." "Er... yeah, JP." "The man who checks his nuts once a day and won't drink unfiltered tap water?" "I'll sign up for dangerous medical testing." "Hi." "Just wondering if you'd read my play yet." "No worries if not." "Yep, here you go." "So, what did you think?" "Obviously, since it's a 24-hour play season," "I only had 24 hours to write it, so..." "No, I thought it was pretty tight." "Yeah?" "It is tight, isn't it?" "I think it's tight." "Maybe too tight." "Ha." "I mean, at 3am, I thought, "This is the best play ever written."" "And then I made a coffee and I looked at it again and I thought," ""Actually, this might be the worst play ever written."" "And then I went to the loo and I looked at it again and I thought, "Actually, I think this might be the best play ever written."" "I think Nick might make a great Ainsley." "He's got good hair and he's tall." "Oh!" "What about Toby?" "Toby's got a great look." "Yeah, if your idea of a good look is overweight and anxious." "Exactly." "Look, Candice, OK?" "This is an artistic enterprise that requires impartial decision-making." "We're casting Nick, Ewan and Josh." "You know Josh has got a girlfriend?" "OK, well, maybe not Josh, then." "Mm." "It's ideal, three days of loading up on free drugs, and, get this, THEY pay YOU 600 boys." "Who's with me?" "600 quid to get off your nut?" "They're not recreational." "They're drugs for the medical market." "Ones that make your nuts swell up and all your hairs fuse to make a horn." "Who gives a fuck about having a massive, horny head when you've got 600 quid?" "Exactly." "Buy a big hat." "Two guys fell into a coma after one of these trials." "You do know that?" "Well, if you can't stand the heat..." "What, go into a coma?" "Pretty much, yeah." "Well, I think it sounds great." "Really?" "Go with the flow, I say." "Well, you just said it then, yeah, for the first time EVER." "Maybe it'll be a bit like a spa." "Pharmaceutical Butlin's." "I could learn loads." "Let's do it." "Pharmacology is not the study of how to take drugs." "That's like me studying geology by eating gravel!" "OK, we get it, Howard." "It's not for pussies." "Don't come, then." "I'm not a pussy." "I just think you're all out of your mind." "Hey, Oregon, Candice!" "Come with us on a three-day medical trial." "Yeah, no, we can't." "Oh, no." "Why?" "Well, we need to rehearse..." "Study." "We need to study." "She said rehearse." "Yeah, she... she meant study." "That's why I need to help her, because she doesn't even know the right word for it." "So, hang on, if you're going to be away for three days, does that mean we have the place to ourselves?" "I will mostly be at the library, reading the book I have ordered." "But I'll be eating and anti-eating here." "Don't call it anti-eating, you freak." "Just say shitting, like everyone else." "Nice one." "From scaredy-cat to drugs mule." "Three days in a confined space." "I realised, it's exactly what I need." "You're going to tell her about Heather?" "This is ideal, because we'll be in a secure environment with medically trained staff, should she - not that she would - attack me." "I'll be able to tell her everything, and she won't be able to storm off, and we can just talk and talk and talk." "And she's got no choice but to just soak it up and listen to you." "It's like torture." "But in reverse." "Nice." "Hello, Audrey." "That's a nice scarf." "Morning, Howard." "It's actually a snood." "Fair play." "Do you know if Principles Of Petrology" "In Ultramafic And Gabbroic Rock In The Brady Glacier, by GR Himmelberg, arrived by any chance?" "It certainly has." "At last." "Someone's already taken it out, though." "What fresh hell is this?" "What do you think you're doing?" "I'm afraid I need this book." "I'm doing a thesis on the Brady Glacier." "I've been waiting seven weeks for it to arrive." "So have I. So have a lot of people." "Probably just us, I'd have thought." "You can't have it, so jog on." "No, I won't." "Oh, really?" "And, er... what are you going to do about it, then?" "You pussy." "I am not a pussy." "So, why are you acting like a pussy?" "Right, that's it." "Outside, now." "YOU want to take this outside?" "Well, given there are no drinks permitted inside the library, and I'm about to open up a can of whup-ass," "I think we may have to." "This is going to be good." "Stack of reading." "Plenty of TV." "A few potentially harmful compounds." "Yeah, it's hard to know what to pack for a medical trial." "Cos I thought there might be a party at the end." "For the survivors?" "Hey." "Sam." "What are you doing here?" "Mind-fuck or what?" "I told you I'd be here three weeks ago, JP." "I forgot." "Anyway, I'm only really here cos my crew basically dragged me along." "I'm kind of like their leader." "Oh, you're fucking kidding me?" "The four of you couple up and play bridge for three days, while I get my gooseberry on?" "Hey, four-way bridge is a tops idea." "You know how to play, right, Kinghead?" "No, because we're not retired teachers." "Just standard contract." "No Chicago or rubber or any freaky shit like that." "I can't believe I'm stuck with boring couples." "This is like going on holiday with Fleetwood Mac." "I might head home." "No, no, Vod, don't." "We won't be coupley." "We'll... we'll all share a room and muck about." "It'll be a proper hoot." "Well, better be a proper hoot." "So, er... hi." "Um... full briefings in the pack." "But the overview is, this drug is still in its primary testing phase, so, there's no mobile or Internet access, no alcohol, cigarettes or other narcotics permitted on the premises." "OK, I'm off." "Cheers, then." "Er..." "Right, um... any other questions?" "Hi." "Yes, what does primary testing phase mean, please?" "I'll field this one, Doc." "I'm a pharmacology student." "Um... the primary testing phase means that it hasn't been tested on humans yet." "Yeah, but someone will have tried it, surely?" "Like, one or two people?" "No, that's what this is for." "Have YOU not tried it?" "No, I'm the senior developer." "Of course, yeah." "You only developed it." "Why would YOU try it?" "That would be ridiculous." "Do you want to leave, Kingsley?" "No, I love a trial, especially one with the possibility of a death penalty." "Ha-ha!" "Come on, then." "What you got?" "Oh, I've got... the lot." "What's going on?" "Everything OK, Howard?" "That's right!" "Run home to your mummy!" "This is my library now!" "If I see you here again, I'm taking you down!" "You can run, but you can't hide!" "It's no biggie." "It's made you realise how much you love her." "When you're done, meet me by the pool." "There isn't a pool." "The... pool table." "Or a pool table." "The table?" "There is a table, yes." "Meet me by the table." "So, Doc, what drugs are we using?" "What are they?" "Antibios?" "Antipyros?" "Anti-inflammatories." "An-flams!" "Sweet." "I call them an-flams because I'm studying pharmacology." "Yes, you said, several times." "I'll be in my office, if you've any questions." "I've got one now, actually." "Could you maybe, just as a pro, check my balls?" "I'm sure it's nothing." "I'm really sorry." "OK." "Because there's a whole world out there, Ainsley, outside this door." "Room." "Outside this room." "Past this wall." "Door." "Past this door." "Beyond this... road?" "Street." "But road is fine." "Rose!" "Ainsley's happy here!" "As was Alfonso until you turned him against me." "Actually..." "Ogs, I really don't get the whole Alfonso thing." "Cos, like, Hilda marries him, but also hates him." "So, I'm like, "Why do that?"" "Because she's cruel." "OK, moving on." "Anyone home?" "I thought you were at the trial." "Sacked it off." "What's all this then?" "We Had To Kill Her, by OP Shawcross." "I've written a play." "Oh, brilliant." "Cos that's exactly what the world needs, innit, more plays?" "Yeah, well, you don't know anything about theatre, so..." "Er, excuse me." "I've been to the theatre." "You've been to A theatre." "And it was rubbish." "You saw STOMP." "Which is theatre." "No, it isn't." "It's using the wrong things as drums." "It doesn't count." "Now, can you please leave, because we need to rehearse?" "Leave my own house?" "Well, no, just the living room." "Oh, just the living room." "So, where exactly am I supposed to do my living?" "In any room apart from this one." "OK." "Cool, guys." "Who's up for a board game?" "I've got five." "Wanna start with Risk?" "Could be fun." "Or it could be really dull and take hours." "That's why it's called Risk." "Sam was in the middle of telling us about her gap year, so..." "Well, great." "My gap year stories are incredibly strong." "JP, mate, following me here could be the last scene of a rom-com, but could also be the first scene of a horror film that ends up with my head on a stick and you wanking." "I would never... put your head on a stick." "Hey, JP." "Can I ask a quick favour?" "Er..." "I was just about to lay down a gap year 'dote." "It won't take a moment." "..Because you don't understand love, you selfish bitch!" "Your heart is small and shrivelled, like a sun-dried tomato!" "What's a sun-dried tomato?" "Can you not work it out?" "Given that its name is also an exact description of how it's made." "I'm sorry." "We weren't allowed tomatoes." "They're part of the deadly nightshade family, actually." "Plus it's quite a clunky line." "Well, you know what they say." "There are no such things as bad lines, just bad actors." "Mm, don't think they do say that." "Look, I know you're pissed off because I cast Danny instead of fat Toby." "But, please, don't fight me on every tiny thing." "Where did you get that?" "Where did you get it, more like?" "Meaning what?" "Meaning you turned us lot into a play!" "What?" "That's crazy." "You're crazy." "Am I?" "Yes, you are." "You're so self-obsessed that you've managed to interpret a piece of expressionistic agitprop as being about you." "Which it is not." "Not just me." "It's also about Kingsley caring for his mum, only I'm his mum, and-and... and Kingsley's called "Ainsley"." "OK, I may have used elements of the "Kingsley caring for his mother" trope, but only because my own childhood was, unfortunately, very normal." "Aw." "There's little drama in your parents staying together and collecting wine, so I borrowed one or two things." "You turned Josie into a sort of a troll thing called Gwen, who can't read and eats leeks and fucks everyone." "It's well out of order." "As a matter of fact, Gwen is a metaphor for the demise of feminism, hence why her surname is Feminism." "What, so those two debt collector guys aren't JP and Howard?" "Mm?" "The toff and the guy he rides like a horse?" "Lord Hugo and MacTartan clearly represent the coalition government." "You know there's a bit at the end where Delphine's name changes to "Oregon"?" "Um..." "I..." "No, there isn't." "It's probably the bit where you..." "ooh, sorry, Delphine, tell me... ooh, sorry, Hilda, that I drain the life out of people and then suffocate me with the net curtains!" "Which you couldn't do, by the way, cos you can breathe through 'em." "But thanks for killing me." "Really appreciate that!" "Oh, God." "Sorry, I-I-I just can't do this." "You said you would!" "Get Doc to do it or something." "He's done it twice." "I can't ask him again." "It'll look like I'm getting off on it." "You're not getting off on it, are you?" "There's bad things in me." "I'm full of lies and bile." "I've deceived the woman I love." "I deserve to have cancer." "Yeah." "I-I-I'm pretty sure cancer doesn't work like that." "If it did, Roy Castle'd still be alive and Tiger Woods would be carrying around a tumour the size of a fucking golf bag." "Well, let me check yours, then." "Absolutely not." "Why?" "So I can see if mine feel different!" "I just need a comparison, a control." "All right!" "Fucking hell." "Have a feel." "Brisk, though." "Like you're checking a peach." "Nothing that could be described as a fondle." "Aah!" "Are you OK?" "That was right in the zip." "This fabric is very abrasive." "Why are you punching a beanbag attached to the ceiling?" "I'm training." "I'm going to be in a fight." "So, how's it going?" "Well, I can now see why all the training bits in films are in a montage, because it takes ages." "I think I'm doing punching wrong." "I don't know if the thumbs are meant to be inside or outside the fist." "It's amazing how complicated fighting is, yet so popular among stupid people." "I'm going to get pummelled, aren't I?" "No." "In fact, my friend Chris once showed me this illegal video about mind control by this devil man called Darren." "Derren Brown." "And he did this thing where you confuse your opponent by asking them weird questions which sort of melt their minds" " and make them easy to attack." " Candice, we need to rehearse." "Give me a minute." "I don't know what you're meant to say to somebody before a fight, but be careful." "I don't think that's what Don King whispered to Tyson seconds before he bit Holyfield's ear off, but... thanks." "So, me and Max Parr went swimming in a waterfall in South Africa, and when we got back, he found a leech in his arse." "So, he tried to get rid of it by sitting on a ferrule that we'd covered in salt." "What's a ferrule?" "It's the pointy end of an umbrella." "Didn't know there was a word for that." "Well, there is." "It's a ferrule." "Anyway, he accidentally pressed the button, which opened the umbrella whilst it was in his arsehole!" "Did that really happen?" "You bet your sweet bippy it happened." "My gap year 'dotes are the stuff of legend." "Do you have any more?" "I have seven more." "Are you drawing an outline of your head?" "I think it's swelling up, so I'm taking hourly measurements." "Will you help me?" "I think JP's been fucking with me." "Er... your head's fine, Kingsley." "The pills they've given me are poisoning me." "I'm nauseous and I'm itchy and I think my balls might be lumpy and I can't move my little toes." "No-one can move their little toes." "Kingsley, maybe you should just leave." "No." "Look, I..." "I need to talk to you." "Well, that's very sweet and everything, but technically I'm not a real doctor." "No, about something else." "OK." "I, um..." "I..." "OK, look, um..." "I didn't mean to, but..." "I..." "I..." "Oh, my God!" "I'm hyperventilating!" "No, you're not." "You're just breathing a lot." "I think I'm having a heart attack!" "Can testicular cancer give you a heart attack?" "!" "OK." "OK, OK, Kingsley, calm down." "It's going to be OK." "I'm going to fix this." "So, we're on Max's dad's boat off the coast of Durban, and we were muchos masheoed." "We'd taken, like, three bongs with us." "Anyway, we were doing some scuba diving in pairs, and my partner was this proper fatty called Ed." "You know, he's, like, a huge whale of a guy, such a bell, and it was hilarious, right, because he was scuba diving whilst we were getting our bong on, so the boat didn't have its anchor down and it drifted, like, two miles," "and he couldn't find us, he got sunstroke and shat himself and nearly died!" "Guys, he shat himself." "In his wet suit." "He nearly died." "My God, that's awful." "No, it's not." "It's... it's very funny." "JP, you nearly killed a man." "Well, the sea nearly killed a man and he was more of a boy, so..." "Wow." "Yeah, that's loads better!" "Oh, come on." "He didn't actually die." "Yeah, but he could have, and he was your partner." "You're focusing on the wrong bits here." "I was muchos masheoed." "He was really fat." "It's very funny." "I'm sorry." "I don't care what you say." "Deep down, I know that that is a cracking anecdote." "There are several boys at Stowe that refer to that story as El Classico." "That's how good it is." "I suggest you think on." "Maybe it's not me that's out of whack here." "In his wet suit, not in the sea." "In the wet suit." "OK, Rose, when you say, "I don't give a fuck what you think,"" "maybe push over the chair." "Yes." "Brills." "Thanks, Ogs." "Ogs." "Ha-ha-ha-ha!" "And I just stare out of the window?" "Yes, because you're pining for South America." "So I hear a chair falling over behind me and I don't turn round, and that makes sense, does it?" "Yes, it does, because you're pining very hard to be away from the awful people you share a house with." "So, it's like, push over chair." "I don't give a fuck what you think." "I do exactly what I want." "Mm." "Don't say it like that, though." "Can you just shut up, please?" "How should I be saying it?" "Ignore her." "Well, when you say, "I don't give a fuck what you think,"" "it should be like you genuinely don't give a fuck, not like you're saying it to piss people off." "Hang on." "If Hilda doesn't care, then she's not manipulative." "She's passive." "That's the opposite of everything Ogs has been saying." "Exactly." "Hilda is passive." "She's making problems for people on purpose." "Why else would she marry Alfonso?" "It seemed like a good idea at the time." "What kind of defence is that?" "So, did she love Alfonso or not?" "Yeah!" "No." "Ish." "She's complicated." "She's not complicated." "She's actually very simple." "She's totally thoughtless and resolutely self-centred." "That's the character." "Maybe Hilda's just unpredictable and up for stuff." "Maybe that's why she's like that." "What you need to be asking is why Delphine gives her such a hard time when it's none of her bloody business." "Yeah, I completely agree." "Why is Delphine so judgmental all the time?" "All she does is come in, judge people, then leave." "Yeah, she does, doesn't she?" "Because..." "Delphine is a good person." "Like fuck she is." "She is!" "That's why she says, on page 12... .. "I'm a deeply good person."" "And on page 32 she says, "I wish I wasn't such a good person."" "And then Gwen says, on page 39, "You are so kind to Gwen." ""You are like beautiful angel to Gwen." "You are."" "See?" "Delphine is good." "You're bad." "Your character's ba..." "The character Hilda, who is in no way based on you, is bad." "Have you told her yet?" "I tried to, but my head's throbbing and I keep vomiting air." "Huh!" "Faking illness to get out of the high jump." "Old school." "I like it." "I'm not faking it." "I think the drugs they're giving us are causing my system to shut down." "Look, I need to try this anecdote out on you." "I've been told it's hilarious, but it went down like spunk soup." "Found it." "Owen, Kingsley." "You're on the placebo." "Oh, thank God." "What are you on?" "I'm also on the placebo." "What about me?" "No, JP, I can't." "Oh, come on." "Play fair." "Fine." "You are... on the drug." "Shit." "I wish I hadn't asked now." "What am I on?" "No!" "No, I can't do any more." "That's really naughty." "Go on, just one more." "Adam Colinson." "One L." "Kadan, Nina!" "You are... also on the drug." "What was the other name?" "Guy Morgan." "Morgan." "Guy." "You are..." "What the hell are you doing?" "!" "There were some concerns, and I thought that... ..transparency is... important." "But not as important as secrecy." "This is a double-blind test." "Testees cannot know what they're taking, or this is utterly useless." "Well, that's political correctness gone mad." "He thought his head was swelling up." "I was just trying to help." "You have ruined this trial." "Well done!" "Vod?" "What?" "Oregon's a bit of a state." "Probably not getting enough attention." "Rose has dropped out of the play." "Looks like she might have to cancel." "Look, don't say anything, OK?" "I know." "My play's shit." "My cast don't want to do it." "I know all this." "That's not why I'm here." "Please don't wind me up, Vod." "I don't need that right now." "I'm sorry, OK?" "It's my fault for interfering." "I'm a prick." "Course you're not." "It's my fault for being arrogant, high-handed and inconsiderate." "Yeah, OK." "Well, you could quibble with at least one." "Oh, sorry." "Yeah, no, you're not arrogant." "Look, don't cancel the play, yeah, Ogs?" "I have to." "I haven't got anyone to play Hilda." "Got a script knocking about?" "Why?" "Well, I'd better learn at least some of the lines, otherwise the director'll go fucking mental." "You... want to be in the play?" "Not really." "But I want to help out my mate, so... ..guess that's what I gotta do, innit?" "Mate, you should do it here." "Buses are perfect for dropping bad news." "They're jolly, they're full of people." "They absorb and disguise arguments." "It's like farting in Venice." "Anything interesting?" "Just one from Heather." "She just got on the plane." "Not Aeroflot or Iran Air, by any chance?" "Dunno." "I just..." "I can't wait to talk to her." "Cos I feel so bad about how we left things last term." "And I don't think she's completely over you, if I'm honest." "No, I really think she definitely is." "And there's one from Candice." "She says she's in a play and that we could go along later." "Hey, guys, can I drop you a 'dote?" "Great." "Student theatre, the ultimate good time." "OK, three years ago, I'm on my gappy in Durban, and my friend Max's dad owns, amongst other things, a mine and a massive boat." "So, we..." "Oh, God." "Sam..." "Sam." "Sam, hey." "Now that we've busted out of there, any plans for later?" "Case of me and you on the mega-lash?" "I think probably not, actually." "Er... why?" "Well, because, firstly, we've signed a form promising not to drink for the next 72 hours and, secondly, because you left a fat boy to die in the sea." "Is that the anecdote?" "It is, yeah." "Yeah, but it sounds a lot better when you tell it properly." "So, he's back." "And he's planning to borrow some books." "With his blood." "I was actually thinking of borrowing some books with my library card." "So, this is it." "Fighting." "I'm actually doing it." "Don't worry." "It won't take long." "Yield!" "Do you yield?" "Do you yield?" "What colour is nine?" "What?" "What's the capital of Wednesday?" "How fast is a fathom?" "Uh!" "Do you yield?" "Are we saying yield, then?" "Is that how we're doing this?" "Ah!" "Yes!" "Are you all right?" "But I want to be a tooth doctor." "You can't be a dentist if you can't read, Gwen." "Those are the rules." "Do you understand me?" "Now, take off that sack." "I'm going to do that thing you like to you." "Oh, my God." "Is that me?" "Is that thing in the sack meant to be me?" "What, the one now being humped by JP?" "Yeah, I think it is." "I'm going to fucking kill her." "On your dad's boat in Durban." "Yeah." "Masharama!" "Mashley Cole!" "Mash, er... potato." "Yeah." "Um... do you remember Ed?" "Um... yeah, the fat guy." "He did, in his wet suit." "I know, it was so funny." "Was that... my fault?" "But you mustn't tell Ainsley." "I won't, Gwen." "You can trust me." "OK, well, one night in Portsmouth, when Ainsley was away," "I made sex with Bill, the big sailor who was staying in my boarding house." "Oh, Gwen." "You're so easy." "I know, Delphine." "I wish Gwen was more like you." "But it's not really cheating if you're drunk, though." "How is it?" "It's not great." "Yeah, it's confusing, cos you're making a thumbs-up." "OK, so..." "That's better." "Sorry, by the way." "It's not your fault." "I wasn't sure whether or not to have the thumb in or out, is the thing, you know." "When punching." "Me too." "Why are there not more online forums dedicated to that?" "That's useful information." "What about the police?" "Don't let them put Gwen in jail." "Don't worry about PC Hughes, Gwen." "When we explain it to him, he'll see that... we had to kill her." "This is the writer, so... props!" "So..." "What did you think?" "Yeah, I suppose I thought, "What the fuck was all that about?"" "Look..." "I have to tell you something." "It's not a big deal." "And, if anything, it's made me really value what we have." "Oh, my God." "I got off with Baz." "In Southampton." "Before or after us?" "Once before." "Um, then... after." "Also, as a sort of follow-up mistake when I finished it with him." "I'm so sorry, Kingsley." "I..." "I feel terrible." "And this is definitely not how I wanted you to find out from some retarded version of me." "Yeah, well, these things happen." "We've just gotta try to be understanding, I guess." "Yeah?" "Yeah, I need to tell you something too." "I was still going out with Heather until a few weeks ago." "I accidentally two-timed you." "What?" "I wanted to dump her, but her grandad was dying, and it was awful." "Oh, fuck." "I mean, I've been wanting to tell you for ages, because I feel so guilty all the time." "I think that's why I thought I had cancer." "On the upside, I won't be checking my testicles in public any more." "Or so much." "OK." "Er, I guess... that means we're even?" "Yeah." "Fuck." "Heather?" "Yeah, I'm really sorry." "Which one was Baz?" "Baz was just a... cock in a sock." "It didn't mean anything." "No, sure, fine." "Not like Heather." "But if it didn't mean anything, why did you do it?" "Shall we just drop it?" "Yeah, sure, OK." "I fucked up." "We both did." "I had a little fling." "You... betrayed me with my friend." "Equal." "Was Baz's grandad dying at all at the time?" "We didn't even have proper sex." "We were pissed." "I don't even think it went in." "Great." "Thanks for that." "I was looking for an image to burn onto my brain cells for ever." "You were the one sleeping with Heather for weeks." "That's trying really hard to dump her!" "I couldn't not sleep with her." "She would have suspected something." "Oh!" "Oh!" "I-I'm so glad you didn't get caught out." "I'll make you a medal, shall I?" "Look, I'm sorry." "Look, let's...." "let's try and focus on the positive, shall we?" "We're both bad people and we've done bad things, and we'll carry with us for ever the unbearable burden of shame." "I was pissed!" "I'm young!" "And we can just say sorry, forgive each other and move on." "Yes, yeah." "You're... you're right." "Um..." "I'm sorry." "It's really great we cleared the air." "Yeah, I feel a lot better now." "Me too." "In a way, this has worked out perfectly." "Not... perfectly." "But, um... pretty bloody great." "Yeah, pretty great." "Uh!" "Sam!" "Sam!" "He was paired with Ed Fallow." "What?" "I checked with Max." "He was paired with Ed Fallow, not me." "My partner was fine." "So, it's not my fault." "OK." "Good." "Thanks for telling me." "Er... can I come up now?" "No!" "Go home." "What?" "This is nuts." "I really like you." "What's going wrong here?" "Oh, I'm sorry, JP." "I thought you'd get the message." "I'm just..." "OK." "That's actually great." "Um, because I've been thinking about it and I think that we should have an open relationship." "I'm not in a relationship with you, JP." "Open, closed." "Ajar, anything." "I'm not your girlfriend." "Just go home." "OK, mate?" "It's fine that you've got someone else up there with you." "Because, as I say, we're in an open relationship." "No, we're not." "Well, I am." "And you can't stop me from being in an open relationship with you." "That's how open it is." "You can do what you want up there." "You have my blessing!" "I dunno why, but..." "I like it when people clap." "At me." "I mean, I know it's just hands hitting other hands." "But... cor, when it's happening, it just... just felt brilliant." "Yeah, I..." "I don't think you're the first person to notice that." "God, they just really, really loved me." "Well, they loved your interpretation of my words." "You're a writing legend." "No, I'm not a legend." "This is my debut." "At most, I'm..." "I'm one to watch." "Howard won his fight." "Go on, my son!" "Normally I abhor violence, but kudos to you, Howard." "Thank you, fans." "I broke a man's thumb." "I hospitalised a member of the public." "I am now officially... ..a menace to society." "I'm so proud." "There's something wrong with me." "My heart's beating way too quickly." "Kingsley, will you feel my nuts?" "No." "Josie?" "No." "Howard!"