"Previously on Web Therapy..." "I know that they're going to try to..." "Hide the finances in his business." "And to me, that is worth an extra 5%." "Okay, fine." "I will get that information." "I'm going to take your advice, and I am going to make sure that my offspring is given my money while I'm still alive to enjoy of it." "Oh, wonderful news, mother." "You know, I had a son before I married your father." " What?" " I had a son that I gave away." "It's not a fantasy." "We're in love." "And, well..." "It hasn't gotten physical yet, but his little..." ""Business trip"" "this weekend in Atlanta..." "Meet Atlanta." " We get to Atlanta..." " Oh, good." "I get to hear details." "I get completely undressed, and he couldn't perform because he thought..." "He thought I was a transvestite!" "What?" " What?" " What?" "What?" "In this economy, they're making so many budget cuts at visa that I'm..." "I'm worried about... visa, the credit card company?" " Yeah." " That's where you work?" "Well, why don't we do some exercises, Jerome," " here at work..." " Yes." "So you can practice being assertive." "I want you to look up the following account number on your computer to access this account." "Oh, Dr. Wallice, I don't have clearance for that." "That is linked to, uh, kip Wallice?" "That's right." "It's my husband." " Oh." " All right." "Just read me the most recent... charges." "Uh, tinker fella." "And, um..." ""Guns 'n' Poses"" "Retail boutique." "Novelty clothing store." "Novelty items." " Yes." "Hello, Jerome." " Hi." " Guess what." " Oh." "What?" "I'm on probation!" "They're launching an investigation, internal affairs, and I have been so assertive you would love it." "I was like, "you wanna piece of this?"" "Right?" "So bu... d-does it involve me?" "Oh, no, no, no." "I didn't rat you out." "Oh, no, no, no." "No, no, you're good." " You're cool, you're cool." " Oh." "It's all about me." "I feel like a hundred bucks." "You're right, you're right." "I just had to assert a little bit of power, and, man, it feels so good." "Look at this." "Drink at my desk." "Paper clips." "Boo-yah!" "Well..." "Well, you're making me a little nervous now," "I have to say." "No, you're good, you're good." "No, no, this doesn't seem very prudent of you, Jerome." " Wh... wh..." " You seem to be taking it a little far." " Jerome." " What?" " Would you shut up?" " You know what?" "What are you gonna do about it?" "I love it." "I get so much more respect now." "I think they're scared of me, you know?" "You certainly seem drunk with power." "And you know what's really cool?" "It's starting to spill over into my relationship with Hayley too." "I said to her, "you want a renaissance fair" ""themed wedding, b-yotch, get off your badonka-donk" ""and spend a little of your own cash, baby." ""We're cuttin' down." "No wild boars." "We're down to one pig." Isn't that cool?" "Well, you're welcome." " Yeah." " All right, good." "If you don't mind, I don't want to talk too much about your marital..." "Problems because I'm not really interested in yours." "I have my own." "Oh." "Oh, okay." "As it turns out, our marriage is dissolving right before my eyes." "Oh, I'm sorry." "That is so sad." "Well, whatever." "Listen, I need you, Jerome, to freeze kip's account." "The visa account that we brought up?" "Yes." "That one." "The one where he charged $700 for, you know," "Lacy and merrier, whatever it was." "Bought himself almost an entire trousseau." "Are you sure?" "Because that's... well, I'm pretty sure" "I don't want him spending any more money." "Right." "I..." "It just feels very vindictive to me, Dr. Wallice, and I-I-I don't know if I wanna get involved" " in sort of..." " Well, that's interesting." "Is it vindictive or is it showing gratitude to the woman who has helped you more than anyone else on this planet?" "What does Hayley have to do with this?" "I'm not talking about Hayley, Jerome." "I'm talking about myself." "Oh!" "Oh, right... everything that I have helped you with." "The bed wetting..." " shh..." " All the nocturnal..." " okay..." " The bed wetting thing, emissions, the flatulence." "Okay, I'll do it." "I'll do it." "I'll do it." "You're right, I'm sorry." "I wasn't being grateful enough, and I'm... what are you doing?" "Come on, buddy." "You're outta here." "No!" "Are you seeing this?" "I need a witness." "Dr. Wallice, record this session, please." "Ow!" "Fiona, Fiona, Fiona." "This is the seventh video message I have left you on a video messaging system that I set up for you, by the way, and you have not gotten back to me." "What is going on?" "I mean, I told the Lachmans about the budget you wanted." "I got the files from kip." "Yes." "And I didn't know what to do with them." "And you haven't paid me!" "Well, I haven't gotten a check either, so what am I supposed to pay you with?" "I bared my soul to you, Fiona." "I mean, I never open up to anyone about my parents." "And I haven't heard back from you." "I mean, what is going on?" "Are you talking to Fiona?" " What?" " Say hi to Fiona for me." "No, Gina, I'm not gonna tell her you said hi." " No!" "Say hi!" " No, this is supposed to be like a mean message." " I don't wanna be nice to her." " Be nice for me." "Just give me another minute." "I've gotta go, clearly." "Listen..." "I want my money, and if you don't give it to me soon," "I'm gonna tell the Lachmans that your budget is bogus!" "By... yes, well..." "No, I think it's imperative that you meet Kamal's parents." "Well, they're of a different culture, and you want them to see that you're not really a threat." "Your Western ways won't really be a threat to them." "Western wa... never mind." "You just want to wear something that is, you know, still very you, very, very you..." "And still somewhat suggestive of their..." "Of their culture, I suppose." "But suggestive, I guess, is the operative word." "Sugges... re... yes, I think revealing is fine." "All right." "Yeah, I'll check my computer for the picture you sent." "All right, dear, good luck." "Oh, balls." "I was hoping to see kip." "It's you, but I... is kip there?" "No, he's not." "I'm sorry." "You're stuck with me." "But..." "What are you dressed up for?" "This is how I always dress." "My goodness, Fiona, you're just... you're projecting so much into everything." "But Tik is here." "He's at the house." "Oh, he's there right now?" "Yes, he is, and we've had the most blissful reunion." " Oh." " Absolutely blissful." "I'd like to see... who... is that him?" "With the..." "Antique table?" "Oh, it's just Tik." "He..." " he took a whole table out." " Which table was it?" "Oh..." "Doesn't matter." "Any of these tables." "I told him to take anything he wants." "We're adding a big studio, a big art studio." "I've taken two of the bedrooms upstairs, and I've made them into one big bedroom suite." "And then I'm building a huge lofting art studio outside." " He's living there now?" " Oh..." " he's living with you?" " Of course he's living here." "Where would you have him live?" " At home." " He's my son!" "He's a 50-year-old man, mother." " And look at this." " Wait, he just took... he just took the Rainer Andreesen, mother." " That's a valuable piece of art." " He needs the frame for a collage he's doing of Che Guevara." "And I said, of course take it!" "Take the painting too." "I don't care what he takes." " I care." " Nothing's so important than to make his life worthwhile." "Look..." "I got this from him, this fantastic, fantastic... what is that, a rubber band ball?" "No, this is a paperweight," " but you see, it says..." " It's a rubber band ball." "It's as light as gossamer, and that's the irony of it." "It's a paperweight that absolutely has no weight whatsoever." "Well, maybe you could switch it out for the chelini he just made off with." " That's meant for me." " And you see it..." "Little orange stickers, I've put them on the bottom of all the things that are going to be mine." "It's such a commentary, and I got this... he gave me such a bargain." "He gave it to me for 20,000." "$20,000 for that?" "And I love it, I love it." "He's an artist, and I feel so close to him." "I can't wait to see what comes after the rubber band ball." "I, too." "I have the same, same feeling... maybe it'll be a $50,000 hole in a sock." "You know sometimes what I do?" "What is that?" "I just look deeply into his eyes, because they're the eyes of an artist." "And I feel such a kinship, such a deep connection." "Sometimes I lie here on the sofa," " and he lies beneath me on..." " What?" " On the oriental rug." " Oh." "And I just look into his eyes, and I just feel this bursting bond of motherhood and child love." "Oh, Fiona, I wish you could feel that kind of love sometime from a child." "Well, maybe when I turn into a geisha like you," "I'll experience something like that." "Oh, darling, darling, don't be jealous." "Please don't be jealous." "It's not befitting." " It's not... it's not flattering." " May I..." "I'd like to speak with him, please." "Oh, no, no." "No, you're not going to speak to him." " Pardon?" " You will not be toxic." " I know how you are." " That's the coffee table now." "You'll give him the third degree." " Never did like that old thing." " He's clearing out the house." "Sometimes when I'm looking into his eyes, you know... sometimes I have to hold him there a bit tightly... but it doesn't matter." "I'm his mother." "I'm teaching him." "Yes." "Is he selling all of this stuff?" "No, no, no." "I've told him just do with it what he will." " Sell it." " He's probably recycling, because that's what he's into." " He's into a kind of ecology..." " Selling, recycling." "It's a fine line." " Yes." " Mother, I would like to speak with him." "No." "I told you, do not speak with Tik." "Okay." "Then I'm going to come there." "No, you are not coming." "We are leaving on a big road trip" " what?" " A beautiful, leisurely" " road trip." " Mother... what's... how do you spell his name exactly?" "Tik." "T-I-K." "N-O-C Minh." "M-I-N-H." " Tik Noc Minh." " Okay." "He's really a hodge." "It's Tik Noc Minh hodge." "Oh, I meant to tell you, you know, as we were, uh, when we were gutting the bedrooms upstairs," "I found this large pasteboard carton, and it was filled with all these artifacts of yours, these mementos, these kinds of child-like trinkets." "You remember that pot holder you made, uh..." "I don't what it wa..." "I mean, it's really a lot of crap." "So what, Tik is going to sell it for 18 grand?" "You know, stuff like, "mummy, I love you,"" "and all the paintings, little things that..." "You forever were sticking on the refrigerator, and I would have to snatch them down because nothing blended with the decor." "But you have never had the eye of an artist." "So I'd like to send those things to you." "Where shall I send them, darling?" " My home." " That's what I'll do then." "But you know what?" "Better yet." "I'll come to Boston and pick them up." "No, you will not come to Boston." "I will come to you if we have to come anywhere." "Oh, okay." "Okay, well, then, bring him to Philadelphia." "Show him the liberty bell." "Well, you know, he probably would love to see kip." "Yes, Tik!" "Tik, would you love to see Tik?" "Tik, would you love to see Kip?" " Tik seeing Tik!" " Peace sign." "All right." "Tiky, Tiksy." "Tiksy and Kip." "Kipsy and Tik." "You know, my life is just filled with humor and joy." "Oh." "I'm so happy for you." "And oh, my goodness, you know, everything about this just feels so right." " What is that?" " You know that I have always..." "I've absolutely loved pad thai all my life and thai stick." "But you... that's not Vietnamese." "Mmm!" "Oh, Fiona, it all makes sense." "It all makes sense." "Oh, my God, things are fricking crazy here." "Well, there you are." "Hello." "I'm so stressed out." "There are like these lawyers and accountants here, and like they're like taking things away..." "And Jeremy told me I have to like erase my hard drive for everything." "It's fricking crazy." "And I think like Russell, the CFO," " like tried to kill himself." " What?" "It's like he was laughing, and then he was crying, and then I think he peed his pants." "And he's back at my house." "I'm taking care of him." "I'm nursing him." "'Cause he was like shattered, and I was like, "I'll take him." "He's cute."" "So he's alive, and he's at your house." "But barely!" "He's like passed out." "And it's not like he can have sex with me," " so I'm over it!" " Oh..." "Well, no, but keep him there." "It's the humane thing to do, after all." " Can he write?" " No!" "Well, he's the one who signs the checks, and this is my concern, because they are late in giving me my second installment." "That's why I was trying to reach you." " So now what?" " Well, he can't sign checks because he's limp everywhere..." "limp dick." " But can't you..." " I could sign 'em..." "I mean, I sign his signature all the time." "I know his signature." "I could do it for you." "Well, don't..." "let's not forge it." "But I think it would be okay if..." "His fingerprints were on the pen, if you hold his hand around the pen?" "Oh, my God!" "But now you need a check." "I can't get him to do anything." " He's like a vegetable!" " How extraordinary." "They..." "Released him from the hospital to your care." " Totally, and..." " And he's not conscious." "And they're giving me these pills" "I'm supposed to give him." "I'm supposed to give him like five through the course of the day, but I'm like at work..." "So I gave him five all at once." " You gave him..." " Oh, wait a minute." " It says two, not five." " Oh..." "Well, I've been giving him five." "He should be getting better faster." "Let me know when you get home." "Let me know if he's..." "Alive, all right?" "And then..." "Okay." "Let me ask you, though, about, um, how are things with Kamal?" "He certainly can't be okay with you..." "Having a man living in your home." "Oh, it's through." "It's done." " What?" " It's over!" " Oh." " Well, I took your suggestion and I made him make me meet his family, and I went over there, and I wore the outfit that you suggested," " mm-hmm." " And they were like mean." "I think they tried to set me on fire." " Oh..." " Yeah!" "And they called me a Western whore." "Western whore." "Yeah!" "I was like, this is the east coast." "Right." "No, you got them." "Yeah." "And then they said that they got" " this video email..." " Mm-hmm..." "That he confessed to having sexual feelings with his sister." " Oh, how awful." " She's like three years old!" "Oh, that's awful!" "And so then they sent him back to India to like go marry his fiance on a goshram..." "Which is like an Indian hotel chain." "No." " Anyway..." " It was devastating." " It's a different culture." " Totally!" " Hi, Dr. Wallice." " Hello, Jerome." "I just got off the phone with visa." "Oh, yes?" "And they're not gonna press any charges." "Oh, well, that's good news." "I'm released from my job." "I'm free as a bird." "Oh, wonderful." "And no..." "No further inquiries" " or investigation?" " No." " Well, that's wonderful!" " No." "I'm feeling a little bad about the way in which they roughed me up on the way out." "The interrogation was really excessive," " and the cavity search..." " No, I had heard all about that already, Jerome." "I think you need to just let that go." "You don't think I should press charges?" "No, absolutely not, Jerome, honestly." "You should let it go and just be very happy to have a new position." "Yeah." "You're right." "You're right." "I-I am." "And I am." " I'm very grateful." " Well, good." "It's a very difficult economy now." "Well, yes." "I-I-I... the issue's really Hayley, who..." "Yes, of course." "It's always Hayley." "No, it is." "She's let go of a lot of her wedding demands, but she does feel like my new position..." "It could have more benefits." "Well, I think you could assert yourself a little more with your, uh, with Hayley, to be honest with you." "We're right back where we started from where you cannot control the woman in your life, Jerome." "Right." "Yeah." "I-I-I know... well, how many perks is she looking for you to have?" "I just..." "I'm curious." "Well, it's... the health insurance is a big one, you know, um, especially now with our new president." "It's something that all of us feel like we... we deserve." "Then write a letter to the white house." "Yeah." "You know, she did bring up a few of the other things that seem... you know, we're gonna be married, and I am gonna go on a honeymoon and I sort of thought that the time off" "that I would be on my honeymoon would be paid vacation time." "Well, I'm hearing a whole laundry list of complaints about this new job that you have." " Yeah." " Show her a newspaper or turn the television on so she can see that we are in one of the worst economic crisises since... since the great depression." "Yeah, it's..." "And that everyone should be down on their knees, grateful that there is a paycheck..." " Yes." " Coming in." "And Jerome, you know, look," "I was very happy to set up interviews for you." " Thank you." " I'm sorry that most of them didn't go very well." "That, of course, is not my fault." " No, I..." " But you did, at long last," " land a position..." " Yes, I did." "That I assumed you would be very grateful for and that she would be grateful for." " I am." "I am very grateful..." " So forgive me if I sound a little frustrated." "Right." "No, I-I don't blame you." "And I understand, and you're right." "I-I should be grateful and I am grateful." "There's a few things that I think may have crossed the line of what I'm comfortable with, but I will learn to be comfortable with the no parking space, the toilet..." "Supply fee." "Well, then get... then get grateful." "You know what, I'm gonna talk to Hayley and hopefully, she will back down." "Hopefully, she will back down?" "She will back down." "She will back down." "I'll see to it." "Oh..." " finally." " There's a fax coming in that I think is..." "Yes." "This is the one that's impor... and he's gone." "This is not working out, I'm afraid." "What's the point in doing a session with someone who's not there?" "It's a waste of everybody's time." "Dr. Wallice, this came in from your accountant." "It's the one that I was waiting for." "Yes, and it addresses the sick days, which you are not entitled to, as I suspected, nor the vacation time." "You simply haven't worked here long enough, Jerome, so your honeymoon will have to wait." " I'm very sorry." " No, it's okay." "But you know, I... why don't we say that this session is on the house." " Thank you." " It's only fair." " That's very nice of you." "The..." "line four is ringing." " Can you see that?" " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Got it." "You could have just shown this to me on the camera." " Hello, mother." " Oh, Fiona, honey, hi." "Hi." "I just wanted to check up on you and see how you're doing." " What are you eating?" " Doing great." "I'm doing so good." "What are you eating?" "Little red licorice?" "Yeah." "That's what I think it is." "Well, you have some stuck on your neck." "No!" "What do you-- this is a map of 'nam." "Oh." "A tattoo?" "That's what they call it in the jailhouse." "A real permanent made with a needle... no, I took a mouse and let him bite my neck till it turned red." "All right, yes." "Now I'm an idiot." "Why wouldn't you have a tattoo?" "Red is my color." "Yes." "Yes, it is." "Mother, I just wanted to... what are you doing?" "Is that a bong?" "All right." "I'm going to try to have a conversation with you," " if that's all right." " Go ahead." "I just wanted to see how you are emotionally after the tumultuous visit in Philadelphia." "I know it couldn't have gone the way you would expect it." "You know, it's like I have a double vision, I..." "There's like two of you, which is..." "Oh." "Do you need a brain scan?" "More than I ever bargained for." " Well, anyway..." " And Philadelphia was the cat's balls." "It was horrible." "Well, yes, I-it... it was quite a fiasco." " I-I understand..." " I didn't like it." "Tik didn't like it." "Tik doesn't think that you like him." "None of it is any good." "Well, of course we don't like him." "I don't know why in the hell we went there." "Mother, he tried to steal from us." "And then... well, I don't think that's customary of the Vietnamese to steal things when they visit someone's home, all right?" "Then he pulled a knife on us, so of course we had to call the police and have him arrested." "You make too much out of nothing." "Well..." "Having our lives threatened..." "Tik is my son." "I'm a mother." "A mother's love..." "Knows..." "Love." "No." "You can't possibly still think that he's your son," " not after..." " He is, Fiona." "Please, I don't want to go over this again." "He is my son." "He is my son." "Mother, we produced documents." "We had his birth certificate from his real parents." "We had a photograph..." "Of his real parents who are both Vietnamese, and neither one of them is you." "Oh, darling, I know you like concocted all that stuff." "I mean, anybody can pay for a birth certificate." "That's not true!" "They... they go on the Internet from like Nigeria or someplace, and they take your credit card." "We had a DNA swab done, and I have the test results here." " He's not your son." " I watch CSI." "You can't make me..." "Oh, just a minute." "I got a call." "Huh." "She goes away, and my breathing is less shallow." "Well, kip says he's not my son." "So..." "Guess that's the case." "Oh, because kip said so?" "Well, all right." "As long as you're seeing the light of day." "Whatever kip says..." "Putsy does." "All right." "Well, mother," "I'm sure this is quite devastating for you." "Oh..." "Pfft!" "I... let me show you something." "You see this?" "I had this appraised." "Oh." "2... 200k." "And I've got three more." "I found 'em... they were like dust balls under his bed." "Can you imagine?" "Does 200k mean $200,000?" "I could light this one right now and burn the hell out of it, and it wouldn't mean a damn thing to me." "If that's worth 200... don't burn it." "Send it to me!" "You have three others." "That's exactly the amount I need." "I don't give away a present." " Ooh." " You won't believe this." " Helga." "Your nanny Helga." " Yeah?" "She's into, um..." "You know how in my day they had like Tupperware parties" " and things like that..." " Yes." "In-home demonstrations." "Helga's like..." "Selling marital aids." "I told kip, I said, "for Christ's sake, go to Helga and get something that you can use with Fiona."" "He's so dissatisfied, Fiona." "This is no way to like keep a marriage." "All right." "Well..." "It's so nice to talk to you and catch up." "I'm just gonna rest for a minute." "Oka... uh-oh." "Mother." "Mother." "Record." "you just assert a little bit of power and... and, man, I feel like..." "I feel like a hundred bucks." "And I even did it with a hundred bucks." "Not a penny more than that." "I feel like $60." "L-Lacey and Mary, or whatever it was, bought himself almost an entire trousseau." "For some girl." "I already signed off." "I don't know." "What else can we do?" "Help me."