"Why did I ever decide to redecorate my bathroom?" "They give you about 1,000 decisions to make." "After a while, you can't even tell the colors apart." "Roz, perhaps my discerning decorator's eye could be of some assistance." "Let me see here." "This one's Ecru, that's Eggshell and this, of course, is Navajo white." "Very good, Frasier." "Now, let's see how you do on the color side." "You know, Roz, I do hope you don't spend your entire vacation redecorating, you know." "You should get out, you know, have some fun, maybe take a cruise." "You don't want to stay in your apartment cooped up with a bunch of sweaty workmen." "Bon voyage." "Thank you, and don't worry." "Chuck Ranberg said he'd take over..." "Absolutely not, Roz." "The man's speech impediment made me giggle all week long." "Show a little compassion." "Oh, come on." "You try dealing with a call screener who says, "Dr. Cwane, we have a kweptomaniac on line thwee."" "Well, who do you want to use?" "Actually, I was thinking of reaching out to the community." "You know, I was guest speaker last month at a program called Second Start." "They offer career training to people who are stuck in tedious, low-paying jobs, and, uh, well, I thought I'd give the job to one of those students." "That's a great idea, Frasier." "It sounds like a great program." "Oh, dear, there's Chuck Ranberg." "Roz, you've got to tell him he doesn't have the job." "Why can't you tell him?" "I'm sorry." "I can't hear the man speak without descending into giggles." "Oh, you are such a child." "Roz, just..." "Hi, guys." "Hey, Chuck, how's it going?" "Oh, tewible, Woz." "My wife was in the cawibbean and she weft me for a wastafawian." "FRASIER:" "You know, we have a couple of minutes, before the show, so listen, tell me a little bit about yourself." "How did you get interested in broadcasting?" "Well, after I got laid off from the bakery," "I guess I had some free time, so I took a few different night school courses, and when I got to the one in radio, it all clicked." "Oh, well, now, isn't that funny." "You know, I had almost exactly the same experience." "I first discovered psychiatry in Dr. Bagely's epidemiology seminar at Harvard." "Except I bet you didn't walk through a metal detector to get to class." "No, no, but you know, I did have to pass under a dangerously unbalanced portrait of Alfred Adler in the rotunda." "We are practically separated at birth." "Oh, ten seconds, Mary." "Here we go." "I'm so nervous." "I don't know what to do." "Oh, you'll be fine." "Just relax." "Okay." "Hello, Seattle." "This is Dr. Frasier Crane, and I'm listening." "I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce someone who's going to bring her own flavor to the show this week while Roz is gone." "Say hello to Mary Thomas." "It's great to have you with us, Mary." "You know, we want to get right to your calls, folks, so we'll be right back after this." "Mary, uh..." "I should mention that you should feel free to speak on the air." "You know, Roz often chimes in from time to time." "Oh, I can't believe I messed up so quickly." "No, no, no, not at all, not at all." "Promise me you'll speak up when it feels right." "I will." "Okay, great." "I'm sure you have excellent instincts." "Five seconds." "Right." "And we're back." "All right, Mary, who's our first caller?" "Maria." "Uh, she's 36 years old." "Married five years, and her husband's been staying late at the office so he can be with his secretary." "That's the way to do it." "I mean, uh..." "I..." "Sorry, Maria." "Uh, I'm listening." "Oh, hi, Dr. Crane." "Anyway, he's having an affair and it's not his first." "This has been going on since we were newlyweds." "How do I get him to change?" "Well, Maria, you, of course, know that it's impossible to force anyone to change, but you can work to change yourself." "Usually women who tolerate this sort of behavior from their husbands are suffering from low self-esteem issues." "Now, you may need some counseling to resolve those issues." "Let me ask..." "May I say something?" "Yes." "Maria, Dr. Crane is right." "You must make a change." "And the first thing you change is the lock on your front door." "What?" "Oh, listen, there's plenty of time for counselors, but at 6:00, locksmiths start charging extra so you get on it, girlfriend." "You know, my Grandpa Willie used to say," ""Nothing stops a man from playing the field faster than a night out on the lawn."" "Okay?" "Okay." "Oh, thank you, Grandpa Willie." "Look'ee here, Tony, you're 35 years old." "Now, your parents only had you for the first 18, so if you want to start blaming someone, maybe you need to blame yourself." "Okay?" "Okay." "Actually, chronic rage problems usually stem from..." "Oh, Dr. Crane, we're all out of time." "So we are." "Well, then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane saying good-bye, Seattle and good mental health." "And tune in tomorrow!" "Hello, Daphne." "Well, Dr. Crane, you're in a good mood today." "Hm-mmm." "After six long weeks," "I have finally received my yellow belt." "Well, aren't you lucky." "I ordered some mauve capri pants two months ago, and I'm still waiting." "No, no, no." "As this handsome certificate will attest," "I finally attained the second level of kickboxing." "Oh, congratulations." "What made you take up kickboxing?" "Well, in order to protect Mel." "As you know, she's a plastic surgeon." "She has a habit of slipping her card to total strangers who she feels could use her services." "So far, no harm done but..." "It's only a matter of time before you get your lights punched out." "Exactly." "It almost happened last week with Marjorie Dunsmore." "Luck was on our side, but next time there might not be a walker to kick over so..." "But I think Dad will be properly impressed when I demonstrate my precision footwork." "Whoa!" "That's very impressive, Dr. Crane." "You know, I just remembered the Chihuly needs a good dusting." "Daphne, I thought you cleaned that yesterday." "Oh, did I?" "Hello, Niles." "What brings you here?" "Here to demonstrate my newly acquired feet of fury." "Carry on, Daphne." "Oh, Frasier, Frasier... who was that woman on your show today?" "Oh, that was Mary Thomas." "She's filling in for Roz this week." "Seemed to me like she was filling in for you." "You're normally so particular about what happens on your show." "I'm surprised you let her go on like that." "Well, I started to say something and then I thought, well... oh, it just..." "might be very condescending." "I know why you didn't say anything." "'Cause she's black." "Oh, that's ridiculous, Dad." "Race has nothing to do with it." "Oh, come now, Frasier." "You can't deny a certain measure of guilt living as you do in your exclusive, lily-white world." "Niles, owning the CD of "Ella sings Gershwin"" "does not qualify you as a soul brother." "You know, Fras, there's such a thing as being too sensitive about this stuff." "Now, if it was Roz blabbing on instead of this Mary, you'd tell her to put a sock in it, right?" "Well, I suppose so, but, you know, this is different, Dad." "She's just starting out." "I didn't want to squelch her enthusiasm." "Because she's black." "Dad, please, will you just stop saying that?" "Anyway," "I just have to deal with it for a week till Roz gets back." "Black." "Stop it!" "My first roommate at Yale was black." "Huntington Treadwell III?" "He's hardly representative of the African-American experience, Niles." "His father was a pioneer in Selma and Montgomery." "Yes, I believe he built golf courses all over the South." "Oh, speaking of golf," "Dad, I've become quite the sportsman myself." "Oh." "What do you think of that?" "Oh, it's very nice, son." "But calligraphy really isn't a sport." "It's more of a craft." "No, no, no, this is..." "this is for kickboxing." "I finally reached yellow belt status." "Hey, what do you know?" "I'm proud of you." "No, come here." "Well, you know, it requires a lot of talent." "You know, you have to have timing and balance... the ability to strike and instantly retreat." "So, you kick them and then run away?" "Yes, yes." "My instructor says I'm a natural." "Yes." "Can I show you something?" "Oh, yeah, sure." "I'll show you a..." "I'll show you a roundhouse kick, all right?" "You sense your assailant's presence." "You feel your body in the space." "Where your opponent is." "And when you're ready... you strike!" "(grunting)" "What have I done?" "Are you all right, Daphne?" "Yes." "Really?" "No." "I landed on my wrist." "It's really throbbing." "Oh, go get her some ice, Niles." "You know, Dad, perhaps you're right." "Maybe I am too sensitive." "(phone ringing)" "Daphne, could you get that, please?" "Gabe, you must remember that compulsive shopping is an addiction." "There are no simple solutions." "Oh, I've got one." "Cut those credit cards up right now." "Okay?" "Okay." "Thanks, Dr. Mary." "Uh... you know, I hate to be a stickler here, Gabe, but as Mary would be the first to point out, she is not a doctor." "Oh, I don't mind." "Oh, call me Dr. Mary." "You know, Latifah's not a real queen, right?" "Oh, you know what, doll babies?" "We're all out of time for today." "So we are." "Well, then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane..." "And Dr. Mary!" "...saying good-bye, Seattle and good mental health." "Hey, guys!" "Oh, Kenny." "Just checking in to see how things are going." "Are you kidding?" "This is a dream come true." "So, uh, you and Mary?" "What do you think of her?" "Be honest." "Well, I genuinely like her." "She's delightful and... and... and dedicated." "And?" "Well, uh... she does have a tendency to sort of jump right in there whenever she likes, you know, and frankly, her method of solving problems is totally different than mine." "Yeah, I'm nuts about her, too." "The contrast between you guys... that's what get things crackling." "I always thought your show was the gold standard of radio shrink chatter, but this last week has been even better." "You think so?" "Absolutely." "In fact, the boys upstairs would like to make you two a permanent team." "Ah... who am I kidding?" "There are no boys upstairs." "I just love this show." "Okay?" "This is so exciting." "I cannot believe it." "Me neither." "KENNY:" "And don't you worry about Roz." "I'm just going to switch her over to Gil's show." "The hours are better, and I'll even throw in a 20% raise." "This is going to be great." "I bet you within a month, you guys are going to have the hottest ratings in Seattle." "Oh, this is so wonderful." "Thank you, both." "I'm going to go call my parents." "Uh, listen, Kenny..." "I know what you're feeling right now, Doc, and let me save you the trouble." "Come here, big guy!" "I want some, too." "Everything comfy, Daphne?" "Here you are." "This quiche should hold you till dinner." "Oh, Dr. Crane, you really don't need to fill in for me." "It's just a sprained wrist." "I'm perfectly capable of cooking dinner." "The hell you are." "Daphne, it is the least I can do, believe me." "Until you're fully recovered, consider me your full-time stand-in." "Uh... oh, which reminds me, Dad," "I rented your favorite video." "(laughing):" "Death Wish." "Oh, I'll get your beer." "I'm just frosting the mug in the freezer the way Daphne does." "I never frost your beer mug." "Oh, be quiet, will you?" "He's feeling very guilty, and we have to help him work through it." "That is just baloney and you know it." "Shame on you, taking advantage of your son." "I don't know how you sleep at night." "Well, pretty good since he started putting a mint on my pillow and a cup of cocoa by the bed." "He never leaves me cocoa." "You have to fill out that little card." "Oh." "MARTIN:" "Oh, Fras." "How'd the show go?" "It was very educational." "Today, Mary taught us how to manipulate our husbands by withholding sex." "And she taught us how to lie to our children about the past." "Boy, that Dr. Mary sure goes on and on." "For the last time... she is not a doctor no matter how many times she refers to herself as one." "A cat can have kittens in the oven but that don't make 'em biscuits!" "Dear..." "God, now I'm quoting Grandpa Willie." "For heaven's sake, Frasier, why don't you just talk to her?" "Well, it's a delicate situation, Niles, for God's sake." "I mean, it's not all that easy." "I mean, she is new to the field, she's sensitive, she's-she's eager to please..." "She's black." "Dad, please!" "You know damn well that's what this whole thing's about." "I don't know what the big deal is." "If she's talking too much, just tell her to shut her big bazoo." "Oh, really, and how do you suggest I accomplish that without sounding like a complete bigot?" "Well, perhaps a little diplomacy is in order." "Oh, are you saying I should just choose my words more carefully, is that it?" "Yeah, exactly." "Oh, fine, fine." "All right, Niles, just exactly how would that go?" "Why don't you play me and I'll be Mary?" "All right, uh, Mary..." "Frasier." "I-I've been meaning to speak to you." "Uh, you know, people listen to the show for my expertise." "Oh, so, my opinion's not worth anything?" "Well, I'm the one with the medical degree." "All right, now, I want you to contribute but only up to a point." "So you want me to stay in my place... massa." "She's not going to say "massa."" "What, am I getting too uppity for you... you sherry-swillin', opera-lovin', Armani-wearin' elitist." "You have no idea how difficult it is for a black woman in a white man's world." "Frasier..." "I don't think so!" "Look at me." "This is ridiculous." "I have walked myself straight into a minefield!" "Listen, Frasier," "I know you're trying to be sensitive, but you're not showing this woman any respect if you're not as honest with her as you would be with someone else." "Right." "This is your show." "When she gets her own show, she can say whatever she wants." "Wait a minute." "You know what, Dad?" "You may be on to something, there." "Gosh, I don't know why I didn't think of that myself." "You know what?" "I'm just gonna call Kenny and tell him to give her her own show." "They're looking for a replacement for Let's Go Camping with Dan and Jenna." "What happened to them?" "They don't know." "Kenny, it's Frasier." "Listen, I've been thinking." "You know what?" "I-I think I'm holding Mary back." "Yes, I mean, you know, a talent like hers should not be stuck in a producer's chair." "He agrees with me." "Oh, I'll tell you what you do." "You snap out of it." "You know why you're afraid to get married?" "You think there's some roomful of hootchie-mamas out there just waiting for you in case you don't want to do the right thing." "Let me tell you something, the only thing you're missing out on is a lot of cold and lonely nights, and I tell you what, there's not one person out there that will disagree with me on that." "Ido." "I don't think he deserves that girl, and if he's not man enough to take that leap of faith, then she's better off without him." "Louise, is you trippin'?" ""Trippin'"?" "Girl, they've been together for 14 years." "They got four kids." "You got to get married." "(Louise arguing)" "He needs to do the right thing." "What are you trying to tell that man?" "You ain't never been married." "Oh, no." "Oh, no." "Hello, I'm Dr. Mary." "Hello." "I'm not trying to hear you." "I don't see a Dr. Louise..." "Hello." "(grunts)" "Hi, Roz." "Hey, Frasier." "Listened to your show for about 20 minutes today." "I didn't even hear your voice." "Well, I'm playing a diminished role these days, although, still, an important one." "I am the glue that... holds the show together, or as Mary said in her intro..." ""The filling in our little Oreo."" "Well, it's no picnic working with Gil, either." "You know that little joke he makes before every show that his taste buds are insured?" "Mmm." "They really are." "Oh." "Guess who had to take the claims photo after he ate a hot slice of pizza?" "Oh..." "God, Roz," "I'm so sorry." "You should be." "Go away for a week and you give away our whole show." "Yes, I know..." "Oh, Lord, there she is." "You know what?" "I could've nipped this whole thing in the bud if I'd just been honest with her from the beginning." "You know what?" "Perhaps the time has come for me to just tell her the truth." "Well... sounds like an intense conversation." "Think I'll get out of here and give you a little room." "Thank you, Roz." "Roz..." "MARY:" "Hey there, partner." "Is there room for one more at the doctors' table?" "(chuckling):" "Of course, Mary." "Listen, th-there's something I-I want to talk to you about." "Oh, I don't doubt it." "Uh..." "Could you believe Louise today?" "She just would not stop talking, would she?" "Well, it's not Louise..." "Every time I turned around, she was just yappity- yappity-yappity-yap." "I mean, what is her training anyway?" "Mary, please, just stop it, stop it, please." "The problem is not with Louise." "It's with you." "What?" "Look, the truth is I..." "I don't enjoy working with you." "I haven't enjoyed working with you from the start." "We have different styles, and I-I have absolutely no respect for the advice that you give." "I-I had no idea." "Well, why didn't you just say something before?" "Well, it's because you're black." "And... the truth is I-I'm..." "I was afraid that if I... if I said something critical of you, you... you might react the wrong way, and..." "I feel just terrible about it." "Well, maybe you shouldn't feel so bad, be..." "No, no, actually, I should." "You see, I pride myself in being able to communicate with just about anybody, and I couldn't even be honest with you." "Oh, it's not that easy." "You didn't want to disappoint me." "I understand." "If you don't like the show the way it is right now then that comes first." "Like Grandpa Willie used to say" ""If the shoe don't fit, then that ain't your shoe."" "You know, as much as I've come to loathe Grandpa Willie, that does actually make me feel a little better." "(chuckles)" "I'll let you in on a little secret." "All those expressions..." "I made them up myself." "(laughing)" "I'll give you another reason not to feel so bad about all this." "Today, KPXY offered me my own show." "I'm going to be just fine on my own." "Mary, th-that's wonderful news." "So, you..." "you forgive me?" "Well, I think you could've been honest with me." "Then again, if you told me to be quiet, then I'd be back at the bakery." "Instead, I've got this brand-new career, and this afternoon, I'm shopping for cars." "So, I guess what I'm saying is..." "God bless your guilty white ass, okay?" "(laughing)" "So..." "How'd it go?" "Well, actually, uh... better than I expected." "(chuckles)" "I guess we're a team again, Roz." "Great." "We'll have to wait a little while." "I mean, I got to stay with Gil at least until we find a replacement." "Oh, right, of course." "Well, I-I can find somebody." "Thank you for your call, Jill." "Well, Chuck, who else is on the line?" "Weww, Dr. Cwane... we have Winda on wine fwee who bewieves peopew awe waffing at hew." "Maybe we can just come back to that one, Chuck." "All wighty." "# Hey, baby, I hear the blues a'callin' #" "# Tossed salads and scrambled eggs #" "# Oh, my #" "# And maybe I seem a bit confused #" "# Well, maybe, but I got you pegged #" "(laughing)" "# But I don't know what to do #" "# With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs #" "# They're callin' again. #" "Good night!"