"I suppose you think that's very funny, Harold." " Hello?" " Hello?" " Fay?" " Yes?" "Darling, be a dear and cancel my appointment with René this afternoon." "I know he'll be furious... but I've had such a trying day." "And with guests coming this evening." "Would you?" "That's sweet." "Tell him I promise to be in on Tuesday." "Thank you, Fay." "You're a darling." "Yes." "Bye." "Bye." "Dinner at 8:00, Harold." "And do try and be a little more vivacious." "Of course, you know, Harold's father had a similar sense of the absurd." "I remember once in Paris, he just stepped out for cigarettes... and the next thing I knew, he was arrested by the police... for floating nude down the Seine." "Experimenting in river currents... with rubber water wings." "Mauve ones." "Well, that cost quite a bit of influence et d'argent... to hush up, I can tell you." "Harold, dear, don't play with your food." "What's the matter?" "Don't you feel well?" "I have a sore throat." "Well, now, directly after dinner..." "I want you to go straight to bed." "Harold's always been a very delicate child." "Even as a baby." "He seemed totally prone... to every possible kind of illness." "Harold, dear, eat up your beets." "I remember once in Tokyo..." "I had to call the embassy for a doctor." "My God!" "This is too much!" "I can't stand much more of this!" "I can't take any more!" "My God!" "God!" "That's very interesting, Harold... and I think very illuminating." "There seems to be a definite pattern emerging." "And of course, this pattern, once isolated... can be coped with." "Recognize the problem and you're halfway on the road... to its... its solution." "Tell me, Harold, what do you do for fun?" "What activity gives you... a different sense of enjoyment from the others?" "What do you find fulfilling?" "What gives you that... special satisfaction?" "I go to funerals." "Thou dost prepare for me a table in the sight of my adversaries." "Thou dost anoint my head with oil." "My chalice overflows." "Kindness and grace shall follow me... all the days of my life... and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord... for length of days." "The Earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof... the world and they who dwell within... for he has established it upon the waters... and set it firmly upon the rivers." "Who shall ascend the mountain of the Lord... or who shall stand in his holy place?" "The innocent of hands... and the pure of heart..." "Who has not turned his mind to vanity... nor sworn deceitfully to his neighbor." "He shall receive the blessing from the Lord... and a reward from God his savior." "This is the generation of those who seek him." "Harold?" "Why you purchased that monstrosity I have no idea." "You can have any car you want." "But that ugly black horror is an eyesore and an embarrassment." "Really, Harold, it is time you settled down... and stopped flitting away your talents on these little amateur theatrics... these little divertissements... no matter how psychologically purging they may be." "I don't know what to do." "Go and have a talk with your Uncle Victor." "Perhaps he can fathom you." "After all, he was General MacArthur's right-hand man." "Well, what do you say, Harold?" "It's a great life." "There's action, adventure, advising... and you'll get a chance to see the war firsthand." "And there are plenty of slant-eyed girls." "It'll make a man out of you, Harold." "You'll travel the world, put on a uniform, and take on a man's job." "You'll walk tall, with a glint in your eye and a spring in your step... and the knowledge in your heart... that you are working for peace... and are serving your country..." " just like Nathan Hale!" " Ready!" "Now, that's what this country needs..." "More Nathan Hales." "Fire!" "Harold..." "I think I can see... a little Nathan Hale in you." "Tell me, Harold... how many of these, suicides have you performed?" "An accurate number would be difficult to gauge." "Well, just give me a rough estimate." "A rough estimate?" "I'd say... fifteen." " Fifteen?" " That's a rough estimate." "Were they all done for your mother's benefit?" "No." "No." "I would not say "benefit."" "Harold, I only have a few minutes, dear... and I do want to inform you of my decision." "You have led a very carefree, idle... happy life up to the present..." "the life of a child." "But it is time now to put away childish things... and take on adult responsibilities." "We would all like to sail through life... with no thought of tomorrow, but that cannot be." "We have our duties... our obligations, our principles." "In short, Harold..." "I think it is time for you to get married." "Let us pray to the Lord, king of glory... that he may bless and deliver the souls of all faithful departed... from the pain of hell and the bottomless pit." "Deliver them from the lion's mouth and the darkness therein... and rather bring them to... the blessing of light, holy life, and eternal rest." ""O Lord... do not bring your servant to trial... for no man..." "Becomes holy in your sight unless you grant him... forgiveness of all his sins." "We implore you therefore, do not let the verdict... of your judgment go against him..." "Whom the loyal prayer of Christian faith commends to your mercy." "Rather... by the help of your grace, may he escape... the sentence which he deserves, for during... his earthly life, he was signed with the seal of the Holy Trinity." "You who live... and reign forever and ever." "Amen."" "Like some licorice?" " No, thank you." " You're welcome." "Did you know him?" " No." " Me neither." "I heard he's 80 years old." "I'll be 80 next week." "Good time to move on, don't you think?" "I don't know." "Well, I mean, 75 is too early... but at 85 you're just marking time." "You may as well look over the horizon." "I'll never understand this mania for black." "Nobody sends black flowers, do they?" "Black flowers are dead flowers." "Who sends dead flowers to a funeral?" "It's absurd." " What is your name?" " Harold." "Harold Chasen." "How do you do?" "I'm Dame Marjorie Chardin, but you may call me Maude." " How do you do?" "Nice to meet you." " Well, thank you." "I think we're going to be great friends, don't you?" "Can I give you a lift, Harold?" "No, thank you." "I have my own car." "Well, I must be off." "We shall have to meet again." "Tell me, do you dance?" " Pardon me?" " Do you sing and dance?" " No." " "No."" "I thought not." "That woman... she took my car!" "I have here, Harold, the form sent out... by the National Computer Dating Service." "They screen out the fat and the ugly... so it is obviously a firm of high standards." "First, here is the personality interview... which you are to fill out and return." "Now, then, are you ready, Harold?" "Here is the first question." ""Are you uncomfortable meeting new people?"" "Well, I think that's a yes." "Don't you agree, Harold?" ""Should sex education be taught outside the home?"" "I would say no." "Wouldn't you, Harold?" "Yeah, we'll give a D there." "Three:" ""Should women run for president of the United States?"" "I don't see why not." "Absolutely yes." ""Do you remember jokes and take pleasure... in relating them to others?"" "You don't do that, do you, Harold?" "No." "Absolutely no." ""Do you often get the feeling that perhaps life isn't worth living?"" "What do you think, Harold?" "A?" "B?" "We'll put down C... "not sure."" ""Is the subject of sex being over-exploited... by our mass media?"" "Well, that would have to be yes, wouldn't it?" ""Is it difficult for you to accept criticism?"" "No." "We'll mark D." ""Do you sometimes have headaches or backaches after a difficult day?"" "Yes, I do indeed." ""Do you go to sleep easily?"" "I'd say so." ""Do you believe in capital punishment for murder?"" "Yes, I do indeed." ""In your opinion, are social affairs usually a waste of time?"" "Heavens no!" ""Can God influence our lives?"" "Yes." "Absolutely yes." ""Does your personal religion or philosophy include a life after death?"" "Yes indeed." "That's absolutely." ""Did you enjoy life when you were a child?"" "Yes." "You were a wonderful baby, Harold." ""Do you think the sexual revolution has gone too far?"" "It certainly has." ""Do you find the idea of wife-swapping distasteful?"" "I even find the question distasteful." ""Do you..."" "Harold, please!" ""Do you have ups and downs without obvious reason?"" "That's you, Harold." "Dearest brothers... let us faithfully and lovingly remember our brother... whom God has taken to himself... from the trials of this world." "God have mercy." "Christ have mercy." "Lord have mercy." "Our Father who art in heaven... hallowed be thy name." "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done... on Earth as it is in heaven." "Give us this day our daily bread... and forgive us our trespasses... as we forgive those who have trespassed against us... and lead us not into temptation... but deliver us from evil." "Amen." "My boy, excuse me." "One moment, please." "Who was that old lady who was waving to you earlier?" "Hello, Harold." "Can I give you a lift?" "There you are, madam." "Were you not the lady who drove my car off yesterday?" "Was that the one with the Saint Christopher medal on the dashboard?" " Yes." " Then I suppose it was me." "Get in, Harold." "Were you also the one who painted the saint?" "Yes." "How did you like that?" " Well, I didn't." " Don't be too discouraged." "For aesthetic appreciation, always a little time." "What a delight it is, Harold, to bump into you again." "I knew we were gonna be good friends the moment I saw you." "You go to funerals often, don't you?" " Yeah." " Yeah, so do I." "They're such fun, aren't they?" "It's all change, all revolving." "Burials and births, one linked to the other." "The great circle of life." "Hey, this old thing handles well." " Ever drive a hearse, Harold?" " Yeah." "Well, it's a new experience for me." "Good on curves." "Shall I take you home, Harold?" "This is my car." " Your hearse?" " "Yearse."" "Then you shall take me home." "So just before he left for the monastery in Tibet..." "Big Sweeney gave me his keys." "'Course, I had to make some additions for the new models... but not as many as you might think." "Once you have your basic set, it's then only a question of variation." "You hop in any car you want and just drive off?" "Not any car." "I like to keep a variety." "I'm always looking for the new experience." "Maybe." "Nevertheless, I think you're upsetting people." "I don't know if that's right." "Well, if some people get upset because they feel they have a hold on some things..." "I'm merely acting as a gentle reminder... here today, gone tomorrow, so don't get attached to things." "Now, with that in mind..." "I'm not against collecting stuff." "I've collected quite a lot of stuff in my time." "This is all memorabilia... but it's incidental, not integral, if you know what I mean." "The birds." "I love them so much." "They're the only wildlife I get to see anymore." "Me." "Free as a bird." "You know, at one time I used to break into pet shops to liberate the canaries." "But I decided that was an idea way before its time." "Zoos are full." "Prisons are overflowing." "My." "How the world still... dearly loves a cage." "Please sit down, Harold." "I'll put the kettle on." "We'll have a nice hot cup of tea." "Thank you, but I really have to go." "But it's oat straw tea." "You've never had oat straw tea, have you?" " No." " Well, then." "No, but I really do have to go." "I have an appointment." " I really can't miss it." " At the dentist?" "Kind of." "Well, then, you'll just have to come back and visit." " All right." " My door's always open." " All right." " Promise?" "I promise." "Harold?" "Harold?" "I asked, "Do you have any friends?"" " No." " None at all?" "No." "Maybe one." "Would you care to talk about this friend?" "No." "I find you a very interesting case, Harold... but this reluctance on your part is detrimental to the psychoanalytical process." "Do you understand?" "Very well." "Your mother tells me, Harold, that she's arranging... several dates for you with some young ladies." "How do you feel about that?" "Hello, I'm Candy Gulf." "How do you do?" "I'm Mrs. Chasen." "Do come in." "Harold is out in the garden, Candy, but he'll be here in a moment." "Shall we, sit down?" "There's Harold." "Hello." " He seems very nice." " Thank you." "You are at the university?" " Yes, I am." " And what are you studying?" "Poli sci with a minor in home ec." " "Poli sci"?" " Political science." "It's all about what's going on." "Is Harold interested in what's going on?" "I just think it's such a super thing to study." "And then, of course, I can always fall back on my home ec." " Now, that's good planning." " Yes." "Tell me, Candy, are you a regular with this computer club?" "Heavens no!" "I don't have to worry about dates." "But, you see, some of the other girls in my sorority decided... that somebody ought to try it, so we drew straws and I lost." "But I'm looking forward to meeting Harold." "Well, I think I should mention, Candy..." "Harold does have his little eccentric moments." "That's all right." "I have a brother who's a real cutup too." "I will never forget the time... we had this old television set with no parts in it." "Tommy stuck his head behind it... and started giving a whole newscast before the entire family." "Must've been very funny." "Harold!" "Yes, dear." "Here is Harold now." "Harold, this is Candy." "Candy's just been telling us such a funny little story... about..." "Walter Cronkite." "Excuse me." " I beg your pardon." " What do you want?" "I'm sorry." "I was looking for Maude." "Harold?" "Maude." "How about some ginger pie?" " Fine." "Thank you." " I'll heat some up." "My, Harold, I'm glad to see you again." "Do you often model for Glaucus?" "Heavens, no." "I don't have the time." "But I like to keep in practice." "And poor Glaucus occasionally needs his memory refreshed... as to the contours of the female form." " Do you disapprove?" " Me?" "No." "Of course not." "Really?" "Do you think it's wrong?" " No." " Heavens, I'm glad you said that." "I want to show you my painting." "This is The Rape of Rome." "Over in the corner is Leda and the Swan." "A self-portrait." "And over here is my favorite." "It's titled..." "Rainbow with Egg Underneath... and an Elephant." " Do you like it?" " Yeah." "Very much." "I then became infatuated... with these, my odorifics." ""Give the nose a treat," I thought." ""Have a kind of a..." "of a olfactory banquet."" "So I began first on the easiest:" "Roast beef, old books... mown grass, and Mexican farmyard." "Here's one you'll like." "Snowfall on 42nd Street." "I'll put it on." "Now, you hold on to this." "I'll pump it up." "Okay." "Now, hold it up there." "Now, what do you smell?" "Subways?" "Perfume." "Cigarettes." " Snow." " Snow." "It goes on and on." "That's just great." "But then I decided to switch... to the tactile." " What do you think?" " I like this." "No, no, no." "Really get close... and reach in and feel." "There's my kettle." "Well, stroke... palm... caress... explore." "Here we are:" "Oat straw tea and ginger pie." "Excuse the mismatched saucers." "This is definitely a new experience for me." "Wonderful." "Try something new each day." "After all, we're given life to find it out." "It doesn't last forever." "You look as if you could." " Did I tell you I'll be 80 on Saturday?" " You don't look 80." "Well, that's the influence of the right food, right exercises... and the right breathing." "Greet the dawn with the Breath of Fire." "Well, there's no question my body's giving out." "I'm well into autumn." "It's all gonna be over after Saturday." "Tell me about yourself." "What do you do when you aren't visiting funerals?" "Yep." "There is definitely a certain attraction." "I ask you though, Harold:" "Is it enough?" " What do you mean?" " Well..." "I like to watch things grow." "They grow and bloom... and fade and die... and change into something else." "Life." "I should like to change into a sunflower most of all." "They're so tall and simple." "What flower would you like to be?" "I don't know." " One of these, maybe." " Why do you say that?" " Because they're all alike." " But they're not." "Look." "See?" "Some are smaller, some are fatter... some grow to the left, some to the right." "Some even have lost some petals." "All kinds of observable differences." "You see, Harold..." "I feel that much of the world's sorrow... comes from people who are this... yet... allow themselves to be treated as that." "Hey!" "Jesus Christ!" "That little tree is in trouble." "Come on." "Look at it." "It's suffocating." "Well, it's the smog." "You know, people can live with it, but trees, it gives them asthma." "They can't breathe." "The leaves..." "look, they're turning brown." "Harold, we have got to do something about this life." " What?" " We'll transplant it to the forest." " You can't do that." " Why not?" " This is public property." " Well, exactly." "Well, we'll need tools." "You're right." "We'll go see Glaucus." "Come on." "Wait a minute." "The police." "Come on." "Well, good afternoon, Officer." "Bit of trouble here?" "Yes, ma'am." "Someone had a little trouble parking." " It's a tricky turn." " Yes, ma'am." "Tell me, that car over there... is that parked all right?" " Yes, ma'am." "That's fine." " Thank you so much." "You might turn the radio off." "Saves the battery." "A little after-dinner liqueur, Harold?" "Thank you." "I don't drink." "It's all right." "It's organic." " Thanks." " It has no nutritional value... but consistency is not really a human trait." "What is that up there?" "That's my umbrella." "That's just a relic." "I found it when I was packing to come to America." "It used to be my defense on picket lines... and rallies and political meetings... being dragged off by the police... and attacked by thugs of the opposition." "What were you fighting for?" "Big issues:" "Liberty, rights, justice." "Kings died." "Kingdoms fell." "I don't regret the kingdoms." "What sense in... borders and nations and patriotism?" "But I miss the kings." "When I was a little girl..." "I was taken to the palace in Vienna, to a garden party." "I can still see the sun shining... the parasols... the flashing uniforms of the young officers." "I thought then that I would marry a soldier." "Later on, Frederick would chide me about it." "He was so serious." "A doctor at the university... and in the government." "But that was all before." "So... you don't use the umbrella anymore." "No more revolts?" "Yes." "Every day." "But..." "I don't need a defense anymore." "I embrace." "Still fighting for the big issues... but now in my small... individual way." "Shall we have a song?" " I don't play anything." " Come on." " I'll show you." " No..." "If you want to sing out, sing out" "If you want to be free, be free" "'Cause there's a million things to be" "You know that there are" "And if you want to be high, be high" "If you want to be low, be low" "'Cause there's a million ways to go" "You know that there are" "And if you want to be me, be me" "If you want to be you, be you" "'Cause there's a million things to do" "You know that there are." "Harold, join in." "You know that there are" "You can do what you want" "The opportunity's on" "And if you find a new way" "You can do it today" "You can make it all true" "And you can make it undo" "You see" "It's easy" "You only need to know" "If you want to sing out, sing out" "And if you want to be free, be free" "'Cause there's a million things to be" "You know that there are" "You know that there are" "That was fun!" "Let's play something together." " I don't play anything." " Nothing?" "Dear me!" "Everybody should be able to make some music." "That's the cosmic dance." "Come with me." "There has to be something." "Now, let me see." "Wait a minute." "See?" "Hold on to this." "What is this?" "This is it." "Here we are." "Now, this is the one." "Take that." "Just be impulsive." "Be fanciful." "Let the music flow out of ya." "You've got to make some chords." "Put your finger on the second fret there... then this one on the third, then this one here." "Harold!" "Harold?" "Harold, dear?" "There you are." "I have a little surprise for you." "It's a present." "Come along." "There." "Isn't it darling?" "I had them take away that monstrous thing of yours... and send this one 'round instead." "So much more appropriate for you, don't you think?" "One thing more, Harold." "I telephoned your second computer date this morning... and she seems a very nice, quiet girl." "Cute little thing, isn't it?" "I like it very much." "Your license, lady." "I don't have one." "I don't believe in them." "How long you been drivin', lady?" "About 45 minutes." "Wouldn't you say, Harold?" "We were hoping to start sooner, but you see... it's rather hard to find a truck." "Is this your truck?" "No." "I just took it." " You took it?" " Yes." "You see, I have to plant my tree." "Well, it's not mine, really... but we would like to get it into soil as soon as possible." "Let me get this straight, lady..." "All right, then." "We'll be off." "Nice chatting with you." " He was very nice." " Yeah." " I think he's following us." " Is he?" "The police." "Always wanting to play games." "Hey, lady!" "Is the little tree all right?" "Yeah." "Fine." "Terrific!" "There." "I love the feel of soil, don't you?" "And the smell." "It's the earth." ""The earth is my body... my head is in the stars."" "Who said that?" "I don't know." "Well, I suppose I did." "Isn't it wonderful?" "All around us, living things!" "All right, out, lady." " Come on." " Hello." "Haven't we met before?" "None of that, lady." "Come on out." "Well." "It must've been your brother." "There is a family resemblance." "Out of the car." "Just stand over there, lady." "Just stand over there." "Come on." "Get out, buster!" "You're in a lot of trouble, lady." "I got you down here for several offenses, including... possession of a stolen vehicle, resisting arrest... and possession of a stolen tree..." "Where's the tree?" " We planted it." " You planted it." " Is this your shovel?" " No." "Possession of a stolen shovel." "Don't get officious." "You're not yourself when you're officious." "That's the curse of a government job." "Lady." "Are you gonna take a lot of time with this?" " Lady, please?" " Because if you are..." "Will you be just quiet, please?" "Grab the shovel, Harold!" "Lady!" "Stop, or I'll have to shoot!" "I sure am picking up on vices." "Vice, virtue." "It's best not to be too moral." "You cheat yourself out of too much life." "Aim above morality." "If you apply that to life... then you're bound to live it fully." "I haven't lived." "I've died a few times." "What was that?" "Well... the first time... was when I was at boarding school in the chemistry lab." "I was in there cleaning it up... so I decided I'd do a little experimenting, you know." "So I get all this stuff out and begin mixing it up." "It was very scientific." "There was this massive explosion." "It knocked me down and blew out a huge hole in the floor." "There was boards and bricks and flames leaping' up." "I figured, you know... time to leave." "My career in school was over." "So, I went home." "My mother was giving a party, so I just went... right up the back stairs and to my room... turned out the light, and..." "I got this funny feeling." "The doorbell rang." "I went out to the banister... and these two policemen came in... found my mother... and, told her... that I was killed in the fire." "She put one hand up to her forehead." "With the other she reached out as if groping for support... and with this long sigh... she collapsed in their arms." "I decided right then... that I enjoyed being dead." "I understand." "A lot of people enjoy being dead." "But they're not dead, really." "They're just backing away from life." "Reach out." "Take a chance." "Get hurt, even." "But play as well as ya can." "Go, team, go!" "Give me an L, give me an I, give me a V, give me an E." "L-I-V-E, live!" "Otherwise you got nothin' to talk about in the locker room." "I like you, Maude." "I like you, Harold." "Harold is down at the garage." "He has a new car, and he's just been tuning it up." " He's very mechanical." " What kind of car is it?" "It's a little Jaguar." "Looks like a hearse." "Very nice." "Compact." "Edith, I'd like you to meet my son, Harold." "Harold, this is Edith..." " Phern." " Phern." "Very pleased to make your acquaintance." "I think you should go and wash up, dear... and join us in the drawing room." "And what do you do, my dear?" "I'm a file clerk at Harrison Feed and Grain." "Well, what is it exactly that you do?" "I'm in charge of all the invoices for the southwest." " How interesting." " We supply, for example... most of the egg farmers in Petaluma." " So you can imagine." " Yes." "Here's Harold now." "Don't get up, dear." "Edith has been talking about her job." " I'm a file clerk." " Henderson Feed and Grain." "Harrison." "Harrison Feed and Grain." "It's at Hamilton and Fourth... and I'm in charge of all the invoices." "I type up the schedule for the trucking fleet." "She supplies the whole southwest with chicken feed." "Well, not exactly the whole southwest... although we do do a large business." "Barley was very big last week." "Fifteen hundred... bushels." "In view of your recent actions, Harold..." "I find you have left me with no recourse... but to listen to the solution proposed by your uncle." "Consequently, I have instructed him forthwith... to induct you into the service... and, for your own good, to take up active duty... with the United States Army." "And I hope they have more luck with you than I." "Maude, they're gonna draft me." "Well, don't go." "They'll put me in jail." "Well, historically, you'd be in very good company." "Maude, can you help me?" "Well, with your skill and my experience..." "I think we can come up with something." "Harold, I want you to look at me like your father in this matter." "I know you have no desire to join the army, but once you're in... you'll love it." "It's a great life." "Look at me." "A chauffeur." "Respect." "Money in the bank." "It has its drawbacks, like anything else, I suppose." "But the army takes care of you." "And you've got a buddy for life." "Good idea comin' out here, Harold." " It's a lovely spot." " Thank you, Uncle." "Call me "sir," Harold." "It's the first thing you learn in the army." "An officer deserves your respect." "Yes, sir." "Now, let's examine the facts on it." "I say this country has been too harsh... in its outright condemnation of war." "I say you can point to the many material advantages brought about... by a crisis-and-conflict policy." "Hell, World War II gave us the ballpoint pen." "During wartime, the national suicide rate goes down." "Is that a fact?" "Now, why in hell did we give up on the Germans?" "Since the damn politicians in Washington chalked them up on our side... the wars ever since have been a national disgrace." "Hell, look at history." "Why, the two best wars this country ever fought were against the Jerries." "I say get the Krauts on the other side of the fence where they belong." "Let's get back to the kind of enemy worth killing... and the kind of war this whole country can support." "That's pretty strong stuff, sir." "Well, Harold, I've always been a man who speaks his piece." "It's hurt me." "I'm not liked in Washington." "I know that." "But I do have friends in high places." "They kept falling." "Zock!" "Joe falls back, a neat red hole in the middle of his head." "Only one thing kept going through my mind:" ""Kill!" "Kill!" "For Joe... and Mac and all the rest of the guys." "Kill!"." "And then there was a blinding flash!" "And I woke up on the stretcher." ""Did we hold?" I asked the medic." ""Yes, sir!" he said." "And I slipped into unconsciousness." "Boy!" "That's a terrific story, sir." "Well... you'll have stories like that to tell of your own someday, Harold." " Do you think so, sir?" " Sure, you will." "Gee, I never dreamed it could be that... exciting." "It's the most exciting thing in the world, Harold." "To pit..." " your own life against another." " Yes!" "To kill." "The taste of blood in your mouth." "The moment of truth." "Another man's life in your sights!" " Yes!" " Zat!" " Will they really teach me to shoot?" " Sure, they will." "A variety of weapons." " To use a bayonet?" " Yes!" "How about hand-to-hand combat?" " Yes." " To strangle someone!" "Choke him!" "Squeeze out his life in your own bare hands!" "I think you're getting carried away, Harold." " How about to slit his throat?" " Well, I don't know about that." "I'd like that." "You could see the blood squirt out." "How about souvenirs?" " Souvenirs?" " Of your kill." "Eyes, ears, nose, scalp, privates." " Harold!" " Hey, what would be the chance... of getting one of these?" "Boy, to think I could maybe make my own!" " Harold, that's disgusting!" " It certainly is!" " Madam, who are you?" " I am petitioning for peace." " Parasite!" " Harold!" " And I came out here to speak." " Crazy parasite!" " Harold!" " Commie bastard!" "Get the hell out of here!" "Don't you talk to me like that..." " you little foulmouthed degenerate!" " Traitor!" "Benedict Arnold!" " Remember Nathan Hale!" "Right, sir?" " Harold, calm down." " She's a commie pig!" " Don't you advance on me." "You'll all end up like this!" "Just like this!" " Filth!" " Harold!" "Give me that." "I'm gonna throw that..." " in the sewer, where it belongs." " Madam, please!" " She took my head." " Calm down, Harold." " She took my head!" "I'll kill her!" " Calm down." "Harold!" " I'll kill her!" " Harold!" "Madam!" "Give back the head." "Let's have no troubles." "Harold!" "Madam!" "Harold!" "Damn you!" "Just a minute!" "You traitor!" " I'll kill you!" " Harold!" "You commie bastard!" " I'll kill you!" "You..." " Harold!" "Stop it!" "Harold!" "Harold!" "What have you done?" "Maude?" "Do you pray?" ""Pray"?" "No." "I communicate." "With God?" "With life." " This is real nice." " Yeah." "Makes me want to do somersaults." " Well, why don't you?" " I'd feel stupid." "Harold... everyone has the right to make an ass out of themselves." "You can't let the world judge you too much." "Do you care to join me in a little cartwheel?" "No, I feel more like yelling." "Maude..." "I had the most wonderful day today." "And... you're very beautiful." "Harold." "You make me feel like a schoolgirl." "Shall I come and visit you tomorrow?" "I can't." "I have a luncheon, date... with a girl." "Well, I don't even know her." "My mother arranged it." "Look!" "Dreyfus once wrote from Devil's Island that he would see... the most glorious birds." "Many years later in Brittany... he realized they had only been seagulls." "To me they will always be glorious birds." "Now, Harold, I cannot impress upon you too strongly... the importance of this meeting." "This is the last girl, so kindly remember that this is your third and final chance." "And please try to be serious, Harold." "If not for your sake, at least for hers." "There she is." "Sunshine, I'd like you to meet Harold." "Harold, this is Sunshine Doré." " Howdy..." "How do you do?" " I can't complain." "Sunshine is an actress, Harold." " I like to think so." " Wonderful." "Well, now, why don't you two go along down... to the music room, and I'll follow on later with some drinks?" "Perhaps Starlight would like a cigarette." " "Sunshine."" " Yes, of course." "Sunshine." "Would you like a cigarette?" "No, thank you." "They stain my fingers." "Is Sunshine your real name?" "Well, actually it was the name of my drama teacher." "Louis Sunshine." "Perhaps you've heard of him." "He was such an influence... on the development of my instrument." "That means "my body" in theater talk." "Doré is my real name." "Well, Dorr, actually." "My, what a lovely place you have here!" "Do you play?" "No." "I am learning the Ba... the harmonica." "Is this your father?" "No." "My Uncle Victor." "He's in the army." "I do so like the military, don't you?" "What a wonderful collection of knives!" " May I see them?" " No, no, don't touch." "They're very old." "Do you enjoy knives?" "Yes." "You might find this one particularly interesting." "It's a hara-kiri blade." "What's hara-kiri?" "Sukiyaki!" "Harold!" "That was marvelous!" "It had the ring of truth!" "I played Juliet... in the Sunshine Playhouse." "Louie thought it was my best performance." "What's here?" "A cup?" "Closed in my true love's hand?" "Poison, I see... hath been his timeless end." "Happy dagger..." "Happy dagger... this is thy sheath." "There rest..." "And let me die!" "I fall." "Harold!" "That was your last date!" "That wasn't very scary." "No." "It had nothing on this afternoon." "Come on." "You loved it." "It was a new experience." "You sure have a way with people." "Well, they're my species." "Look at these stars." "Maude?" "Yes?" "Here." "A gift." ""Harold loves Maude."" "And Maude loves Harold." "This is the nicest present... that I've received in years." "So I'll always know where it is." "Could I speak with Fay, please?" "Fay?" "Darling, I know René will be furious, but..." "Well, if he knew what I had to put up with in the last few days..." " Mother?" " Not now, dear." "So could you put me down for Monday?" "Mother, I'd like to talk to you for a minute." "I'm on the phone, dear." " I'm getting married." " What did you say?" "I'm getting married." "Hold the line, Fay." "To whom?" "I suppose you think this is very funny, Harold." "A sunflower." "You can't be serious!" "Harold, your mother has spoken to me about your marriage plan." "And although normally I have nothing against marriage..." " Troop..." " I don't think this is quite..." "Normal." "A very common neurosis... particularly in this society... whereby the male child subconsciously... wishes to sleep with his mother." "Of course, what puzzles me, Harold... is that you want to sleep with your grandmother." "I would be remiss in my duty... if I did not tell you... that the idea of... intercourse... the fact of your firm young... body... commingling... with the... withered flesh... sagging... breasts... and... flabby... bu... buttocks... makes me want... to vomit." "Harold!" "It's dazzling." "You've thought of everything." "And champagne." "It's all right." "It's organic." "Harold." "For you." "And... after dinner... one more little surprise... that I hope will make you very happy." "Harold." "I am happy." "I couldn't imagine a lovelier farewell." "Farewell?" "Yes, it's my 80th birthday." "Well, you're not goin' anywhere." " Are you?" " Yes, dear." "I took the tablets an hour ago." "I'll be gone by midnight." "What?" "What a fuss this is." "So unnecessary." "Don't die, Maude, for chrissake." "Harold." "Don't upset yourself so." "I love you!" "Harold." "That is wonderful." "Go and love some more." "No." "Never." "Never."