"Oh, geez..." "Hey, can one of you boys give me a hand?" "What do you need?" "Just hold this steady." "Thanks, Malcolm." "I'm glad it's you." "Whenever Reese helps, he always seems to hurt himself." "Wait, wait, how about this?" ""Mother's wonderful, quiet dignity."" "No, her "sensitive, quiet dignity."" "What are you guys doing?" "We were at the mall and they had these entry forms for the Mrs. Tri-County contest." "Look at these questions." ""How does your mother bring joy into your life?"" "How about the time she shaved the word "liar" into my head?" ""She always finds time to dote on our personal appearance."" "What's so funny?" "Reese saw a Japanese guy on the Internet puke into an electric fan." "They are ahead of us in so many ways." "All right, how bad is it?" "Nothing past second notice so far." "What's that?" "Apparently I've been entered into the Mrs. Tri-County Pageant." "What?" "The boys entered me in this pageant." ""..." "lucky to have her in our lives."" ""Too special to be kept a secret..."" ""She suffers in silence..."?" "Oh, can you believe this?" "I know." "They do all these horrible things and then they go and do something like this." "Yes, well, they're good boys." "God, I think of suffering through all those pageants slaving for my sister all those years." "Susan was always the big star, and I was her invisible little troll." "Carrying her gowns for Queen of Harvest Festival, ironing her sash for Miss Mammogram." "Well, no one ever appreciates the star maker, Lois." "Once I was hemming her dress for Dairy Princess and a photographer stood on my back to take her picture." "Bastards wouldn't know a Dairy Princess if it came up and bit them on the ass." "Boy, it would really show her if I entered this pageant." "What?" "Well, it wouldn't hurt to go down there and see what it's all about." "Great." "Let's do it." "You little monsters!" "You have really done it this time!" "Dad, it was a joke." "I didn't know Reese was going to mail the stupid thing." "We were just goofing around." "I can't believe she took it seriously." "You're right, Dewey." "Your mother actually believes her sons love her." "What a moron." "I've got it." "Why don't you just blindfold your mother and throw her down some stairs?" "!" "That'd be fun!" "We're sorry." "Yeah." "Well, it's too late for sorry." "Here's what's going to happen." "We are all going down to the Civic Center as a family, and you boys are going to do everything in your power to make sure this is the most unhumiliating night of your mother's life." "This is a big deal." "I have to be honest, I'm feeling kind of nervous here." "You don't pay mileage, I had to park in the structure, and you call this a gift bag?" "I saw two judges with the mini-lipstick set and the lemon scented moisturizer." "Mr. Herkabe, what are you doing here?" "I happen to be one of the judges." "What, may I ask, are you doing here?" "You know, curiosity." "It's kind of a sociologically interesting..." "My God, your mother's in the pageant." "Well, technically." "And I happen to have certain powers that might influence that outcome." "Isn't that interesting?" "What?" "I just think that's really interesting." "Don't you find it interesting?" "Yeah, I guess I'm gonna have to." "I'm sorry, sir." "They were out of the moisturizer, but I found these." "Fine." "I'll take the smoked almonds, the loofah glove..." "Oh, just give me the whole box." "All right, ladies, sign in." "You'll get your schedules, your parking permits, and your dressing area assignments." "Also, make sure that you get back here by 3:00 sharp for a group photo with the state's largest pumpkin." "Look at all these old broads trying to look hot." "I mean, don't know they know we're done with them?" "Donna?" "Donna, is that you?" "Lois!" "I haven't seen you since Miss Teen Gas and Power." "What a memory you have." "Was that the time when the judges carried me around on their shoulders?" "Darlene, Jeanie, Anne." "Look who's here." "Look at all of you." "I can't believe you're still doing pageants." "Well, I actually quit a few years back." "It was time to get to know my kids a little better." "But then September 11th happened, and..." "We just can't let them win." "So where's your sister?" "Susan isn't here." "I'm entering this myself." "I love stuff like that." "Don't feel bad." "The rest of us don't have a chance either." "Donna somehow got Nina Perucci to coach her." "Nina Perucci." "How did you manage that?" "Well, Max got a nice bonus for Christmas, and let's just say I had a yeast infection until he wrote the check." "Is that your chin?" "No, Nina." "Is that your smile?" "No, Nina." "Is that your bust?" "No, Nina." "She's amazing." "She pioneered the use of backstage laxatives." "Lois, if we don't sign up right now, we're going to get a dressing area without a hook." "Is that what you want?" "Bye." "Well, I think we know who's winning Mrs. Deluded." "Donna..." "I didn't think it was possible, but the Mrs." "Tri-County Pageant is about to get even uglier." "I made the appointment for your facial tomorrow." "I don't want to pick out jewelry until after we choose the gown." "Now, the red one is nice, it's tasteful and really sets off your hair." "But the blue one has a nicer drape and you cannot beat its "wow" factor." "You know what?" "Let me worry about that." "You can concentrate on your talent." "I don't know, Hal." "I'm not even sure you can call it a talent." "What are you talking about?" "It is going to be great." "That's why I blocked out the next three hours for you to work with Dewey." "Dad, I have homework." "Oh, just buy it from the guy Reese buys his from." "Okay, ladies, I know you've all done it a million times before, but let's just walk through it once anyway." "Blue line ladies, cross over the red mark." "Green line, cross over the yellow mark." "Blue line, stop at the orange mark, step left and cross to the green line." "Green line, stop to the black mark, step right and cross to the... green line." "Malcolm, I need you to do a job for me." "It's urgent." "I've been exchanging some very meaningful glances with one of the contestants." "You know they're all married, don't you?" "Yes, of course." "And that's why it would be indecent of me not to be discrete." "Darlene Fisher." "Green sweat suit." "I need you to pass her this note for me." "You want me to find out if she likes you?" "Forget it." "I respect your stand," "Malcolm, and I want you to know this will in no way affect my judging of your mother." "Or will it?" "Okay, you're next." "Now, no matter what question they ask you, remember to use your key phrases:" ""empowering women, the beauty within, helping those in need."" "And don't forget, end with "May God bless America."" "Right, right, and when do I say the stuff about world peace?" "No, no, no, no, no, we got rid of that." "You don't want to come off like a liberal nut case." "Yes, I am a mother, but I also have to remember that I'm a woman." "A woman who's not afraid to give because it feels so good." "Thank you." "Okay, Lois... here's your question if you're ready." ""How has motherhood kept you young?"" "I'm sorry, but I have a problem with the question." "Motherhood definitely does a lot of things, but the one thing it does not do is keep you young." "Oh, my God, it ages you horribly." "Youth is about having choices, but once you're a mother, you have no choices." "You're stuck loving your children." "You get gray hair loving them." "You lose sleep loving them." "You lose out on all those other things that you always thought you'd do." "But even with all of that, the amazing thing is," "you're okay with it." "It's like some wonderful... curse." "That was amazing." "I don't know where you came up with that crap, but you nailed it." "Okay, Donna, here we go." ""What aspect of being a woman do you find most fulfilling?"" "What kind of stupid question is that?" "Excuse me?" "I don't mean that you're stupid." "I... the question is..." "I mean..." "I'm not fulfilled." "It's awful being a woman, right?" "Right?" "I'm cursed with children, too." "I never wanted to have kids." "I just wanted to..." "But I do..." "love America." "How 'bout our country, huh?" "Did you see that?" "She went up like the Hindenberg." "Wow, I guess I'm really doing okay." "So are you going to keep wasting time high-fiving yourself, or are we going to get back to work?" "Okay, honey, that was pretty good." "Unfortunately, there are three counties full of women who are "pretty good."" "We need a winner." "I think this would be going so much better if I could sing or dance or play a musical instrument." "We'll get to you, Lois." "Right now Dewey's our problem." "Now, son, I don't know anything about music, but this is how you should be playing it." "Now, in the middle part, you're doing" "And I want to hear more of..." "That's never gonna happen." "You know, I really don't need this from you right now." "We've got one day to get the dress ready, our shoes aren't dyed and we have no idea where we're going with our hair!" "Hal, calm down." "What's happening?" "I thought this was supposed to be fun." "It is." "See?" "Mom had better win this thing." "I'm getting to know way too much about Herkabe's love life." "You got anything yet?" "This judges' manual is unbelievable." "It's over 200 pages of these really specific rules on what's attractive and what isn't." "There's a whole page on ankle symmetry." "And you know what I learned?" "What?" "I'm beautiful." "What are you talking about?" "Everything on my face is the absolute standard of perfection." "My lips are exactly twice the length of the distance between my eyes." "My philtrum is gracefully tapered." "My earlobe is the perfect 1.4 centimeters." "And it just goes on and on." "You can measure me if you don't believe it." "Are you going to help Mom or not?" "I understand your anger, Malcolm." "Unattractive people can become very threatened by this." "It's probably why I have so few friends." "Malcolm!" "I need a favor." "I already did you a favor with Darlene." "Which worked out spectacularly." "And athletically." "And repeatedly." "What else do you want?" "I need you to break up with her." "What?" "She's gotten so clingy and dependent." "She's suffocating me." "Feel free to judge me, but remember who's judging your mother." "Give her this note." "At first I toyed with the idea of lying to her, but then I decided to tell her honestly I find her repellent." "It's better to be classy." "Malcolm!" "Find your brother and get back here." "The judges need to see all of us gazing adoringly up at your mother." "Those Hendersons are making us look like chimps." "His smile is fading." "Give him another hit." "I don't know how you do this." "I've never felt such butterflies in my entire life." "Good luck, everybody." "Your mascara is clumping!" "What did I tell you about blinking?" "!" "What is it?" "!" "I know." "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Miss Tri-County Pageant." "Here's your host, Channel Two's acclaimed meteorologist, Dr. Dave Nelson." "Hey there, Mrs. Tri-County." "A lady from head to toe..." "A nurse, a maid, a teacher and a hottie..." "All wrapped up in a bow It's time to sparkle and start the show So come on, take a bow..." "America needs you like never before and "mom" is just an upside down "wow!"" "I lost a pin?" "I lost a pin!" "Oh, this isn't happening!" "Hold on." "Wait, what are you doing?" "Now your hair's ruined." "So, we'll both be a little off." "Come on, everybody, let's go." "And please step forward..." "Charlotte!" "Ladies and gentlemen, the judges have unanimously decided that these five women will... not be going to the next round!" "And you ladies are!" "We're going to take a short break now so our lucky five can get ready for the Glamour Parade!" "Malcolm." "Come here." "Malcolm." "Reese, what are you doing?" "Dad's been looking all over for you." "I'm leaving, Malcolm." "I'm claiming my birthright." "What?" "I'm about to become a star, and from what I understand," "I have to ruthlessly separate myself from you pathetic hangers-on, and probably eventually sue your asses." "Take care, Malcolm." "I'll see you in court." "Well, it may be 70 degrees outside, with a 20% chance of rain but it's about to get a lot hotter in here." "Where's Jeanie?" "We were all going to wear tiaras for Glamour Parade and... we're all going to wear tiaras." "Thank you, Jeanie." "Thank all of you." "...as we present the Mrs. Tri-County" "Glamour Parade." "What's wrong?" "What happened?" "Usually, we let the judges decide who gets to wear the tiara." "Ladies and gentlemen, please, remain clam." "There's no reason to panic." "Okay, I'm ready." "For what?" "Whatever it is you do with beautiful people." "I'll give you 20% and not a penny more." "You may have to travel because" "I'm going to have a house in Miami, Milan, and that Disneyworld in France." "You're welcome to fly my private jet, but I want you to keep it real." "I'd also like a falcon." "What are you talking about?" "I can't do anything with you." "What?" "Why not?" "I've read the book," "I measured everything." "I'm perfect!" "It's true, you do have the perfect features for a middle-aged woman." "If you want to, have a sex change, come back in 20 years and we'll talk." "No, please!" "This can't be how it ends." "I'm supposed to have three rocky marriages and die in a hotel fire!" "Don't send me home!" "I'm too perfect to live like a person!" "Okay, people reacted badly to the crown thing, so you gotta nail the talent portion." "Now, I know you think it isn't a talent, but if you commit, we can make those oversized Barbies choke on their own batons." "What are you doing?" "Where's your top hat and fishnet thigh-highs?" "Just get the car and the kids, Hal, and let's just slink out of here." "Wait, you can't just walk away." "Oh, yes, I can." "This whole thing has been a disaster." "I don't belong here." "And I hate the way those women make me feel." "Come on, they're just a bunch of bitter hags." "And I hate the way you've been making me feel." "We may have our ups and downs, Hal, but this is the first time I ever felt like I wasn't good enough for you." "You're right." "I'm sorry." "I mean, I know you're perfect, and for once, I wanted the whole world to know it." "Well, that's a nice idea, but that isn't going to happen." "I don't know why I ever thought I could compete with these women." "Hal, I can't handle them." "I'm out of my league here." "What are you talking about?" "Do you know why those broads pulled that stunt?" "They're afraid of you, Lois." "Right now you are surrounded by a bunch of idiots who fear you." "You're not out of your league, you're at home." "Lois, where have you been?" "Come on, let's go." "You're up." "You've got to go." "Whining isn't going to make me go any faster." "Yes!" "And now our third contestant," "Lois, will be accompanied by her lovely daughter, Dewey." "There's Mommy." "Would the new Mrs." "Tri-County like another scoop of fudge ripple?" "Well, this sash still has a couple of inches of slack." "Keep it coming." "This is so nice." "Look at this." "A $40 coupon for new tires, a box of steaks, a label maker!" "Oh, this is nice." "I wish Reese wasn't too busy sulking to enjoy it with us." "Give him a little time."