"Ryan and I have been up since 5:00." "And as usual,arguing since 6:00." "What are you doing?" "Will you marry me?" "I deserve better than how you treated me in front of Cate and Jones today." "You want better,go find better." "No one's stopping you." "What happened?" "Bug left." "That family wants me." "They're three hours away." "sleeping with Baze again,it was the biggest mistake of my life." "When did you sleep with Baze again?" "It's over." "I need you to take Tasha." "To live with us." "Lux,I can't." "This is the only thing I'll ever ask you." "I'm sorry." "Me,too." "I'm gonna chill at Baze's for a while." "Lux,I don't understand." "Is this because of Tasha?" "Look,I'm not trying to say anything profound." "Well,don't worry because no one was accusing you of that." "I'm just saying that some eye contact is inherently jarring." "What do you mean?" "Like,in life or just in,just in bed?" "I don't know.It just depends." "But,yeah." "You know,sometimes,in bed,when you're having sex,or,um,doing other stuff." "What,are you suddenly shy now?" "I'm not shy." "It's just awkward,you know." "When a guy's down there." "I mean,do you really want these two beady eyes staring up at you,begging for approval?" "Oh,God." "I'm just saying." "It's all about the angle." "Hey,if we don't work out,you should hand out a manual on the dos and don'ts of dating Cate Cassidy." "Yeah,I will." "You know,if we don't work out." "I can see the obituary now." "Death by bike lock." "Can a lock hate you?" "because this lock hates me." "What's the code? So,uh,you talk to Tasha?" "Not much since we saw her." "You still chilling at Baze's?" "Well,I'm not back at Cate's,if that's what you mean." "You want to go to Winter Formal tonight?" "I'd rather eat paste." "Wait." "Were you,like,asking me?" "No." "I don't know." "Kind of." "You know,as friends." "You're dateless?" "The day of?" "Brynn found out I went on a date with you." "She wasn't happy." "So." "I guess you could say you owe me one." "Say yes." "It'll be bette than eatjng paste." "I swear." " You all righ" " A little tired." "You know,driving everyone you love out of your life,it's pretty exhausting." "Have you,uh,talked to Lux?" "Lately?" "I tried calling her yesterday." "I think I could hear her rolling her eyes over the phone." "You know,I want to make things right with her, but the only way to do that is to talk to her and apparently, she's not interested." "Well,you don't have to take no for an answer with her." "Only with you." "We're back." "Muon,tauon,neutrinos." "Neutrinos." "God,I'm never going to keep these particle names straight." "Who came up with this stuff?" "Really lonely guys that never talk to girls." "It helps to use a mnemonic device." "Think of the muon particle as Baze,unstable and capable of pointless destruction." "Hey,kiddo,I was thinking." "You,me,tonight- indoor putt-putt." "Uh,I-I can't." "I'm." "I'm,I'm sort of going to the Winter Formal." "What?" "With who?" "With." "Jones." "Like,little dude quarterback Jones?" "What are you wearing?" "Seriously?" "I don't know." "One of those dresses Cate gave me." "Are these things dressy?" "It is called the "Formal." "" And you're going with the quarterback!" "That's huge." "Not really." "In my experience,quarterbacks can be." "What's the word?" "Backstabbing,self-centered jerks." "I'm going to go upstairs,look through my fake closet and stress." "Seriously,what is your problem,dude?" "You're still upset that I slept with Cate?" "You knew I liked her." "In high school." "How was I supposed to know that after all this time,you were serial-killer obsessed with her?" "Obsessed with who?" "Cher." "But not in a gay way." "Is there another way?" "Is Lux around?" "Uh,I came by to say hi,talk to her,and,you know,badger her into liking me again." "How is she?" "Great." "I mean,she's really great." "I've been,uh,bee on top of the school work." "She's starting to make friends finally." "And she's even going to the Winter Formal tonight." "No way!" "She is?" "With that kid Jones." "Sort of set them up,actually." "No,you didn't." "I did." "Oh,whatever." "Wait,does she need a dress?" "Yes,yes." "She does actually,and you should get on that before Mates." "It was nice,what you did for Cate." "Telling her about the dress." "For Cate?" "Do you have any idea how much fancy dresses cost these days?" "So,we may not be talking,but standing in the same vicinity,that's a good start." "You promised we'd look,you'd buy,we'd leave,no talking." "Okay,okay." "Fine,fine." "Fine,no talking." "So,you and Jones?" "Wow,a whole three seconds." "It's just,since when is there a you and Jones?" "Since never.We're friends." "I know." "It's just that asking you to the Winter Formal." "How about this one?" "Well,you definitely want something that's sexy enough to remind people that you're a woman,but not so revealing that they forget you're a lady." "You could just say no." "How great is this one?" "What." "What,does it come with a limo?" " You don't have to spend that much on me." " no i want to" "Come on,this dance?" "This is a big deal." "I want your night to be perfect." "And I just want to be rt of it." "How long are you going to punish me for not taking in Tasha?" "Lux,what you were asking me,no responsible parent would have taken Tasha in." "Baze was willing to." "Yeah,exactly." "God,Cate." "You are like a broken record." "All roads lead back to slamming Baze." "Pick whatever dress you want." "I'll be waiting in the car." "Hi,Math." "Math,it's me." "Your favorite hoagie." "Pastrami with extra banana peppers." "Come on,Math." "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to sleep with Cate again." "It's just." "I went through a lot that day." "Emotions were heightened,you weren't exactly on my mind,and,quite frankly,if you were,I think we would have a much more troubling situation on our hands." "Look,Matthew,if you're that upset,she's single now." "If you like her so much,do something about it." "You're not going to try to date her?" "Hell,no." "I would rather date Satan." "He'd go easier on me." "And besides,that woman has zero faith in me." "I mean." "But-but I think that the tables have finally turned." "I mean,this parenting thing is way easier than Cate made it out to be." "Look at Lux." "I mean,she's talking abourons." "She's going to the Winter Formal with the quarterback." "It's muons,you moron." "Um,I got to say,I'm surprised you wanted her to go to the Winter Formal." "Remember when we went?" "What?" "The fun?" "The awesomeness?" "I was thinking of the flasks we snuck in." "The 12-pack of Trojans from Mobil." "The sex." "that most people had." "Well,I think that kids are probably different now." "Worse." "The stuff kids are doing today?" "In threes,fours." "That's why me and half the teachers are on chaperone detail." "Lux is a good kid." "She's not like that." "Cate was a good kid and look what happened to her." "Knocked up." "By the quarterback." "Listen,every parent goes through this." "Just have the talk,like Cate was saying." "What?" "The sex talk?" "No." "I cannot talk to Lux about sex." "That'd be weird." "You know what would be even weirder?" "Being a grandfather." "com I thought you were in Sacramento." "I was." "But I got your message,so I'm here." "Tash told me you were staying here." "What happened to Cate's?" "It's a long story,which you don't really deserve to hear." "You can't just walk back in here and act like nothing happened." "You took off." "You didn't call." "You were just." "gone." "I asked you to treat me better." "Is-is leaving treating me better?" "No." "Bug,it's not that easy." "You left me." "Because I didn't want to be the person I was being with you." "Lux,I love you." "and I want to change." "Oh,wait,is everything okay with Lux?" "Oh,yeah,yeah." "It's fine." "I just came by to,um." "Can I come in?" "Yeah." "Yeah,sure." "Sorry,it's,um,it's kind of a mess." "No,it's great." "Homey." "Sorry." "Really nice couch." "Thanks." "So what's up?" "Well,I had an idea." "I know how much breakups suck,so I thought of something that might get your mind off things." "Oh,okay,well,if it includes massive amounts of tequila,I'm in." "I thought you might like to be a chaperone at the Winter Formal - with me." "I know you haven't spent much time with Lux." "This would be a chance not to miss a big milestone." "That would be amazing,but,um,you know,I've already crashed one party of Lux's." "So I don't really think that showing up at her Formal - it's not going to win me any Brownie points." "That's why you come as a chaperone." "Say the school called and asked." "I'll tell Lux I begged you to help me." "You were just doing a favor for a friend." "I really want to see her in that dress." "So?" "It's a date?" "Yeah." "Yeah,let's do it.It's a date." "I missed you." "I missed you,too." "Oh,my God." "Someone's home!" " You got to get out of here." " **" "Uh,hurry." "Just get out on the deck." " ***" " Hurry!" "Never mind." "Hey,kiddo." "Hey." "Abby?" "What - what are you doing here?" "Uh,yeah,I called Abby,because I wanted a woman's perspective." "So you called Cate's sister?" "Wh-What about Cate?" "Okay,let's all sit and talk." "Oh,okay." "So." "So." "So." "Sex." "I know." "If you can barely say it,you certainly shouldn't be having it." "I" " I didn't say it." "You did." "Look,and here's the thing - whether it's the awkward fumblings of your first lover or the full body assault of a traffic school instructor." "I'm not sure what's happening." "You don't want to end up in a situation that you're not prepared for." "I would just say put it off till college- or-or later." "Wait,is this a sex talk?" "It's,it's more of an anti-sex talk." "There are many other ways to get the same feeling without actually having sex." "Um,flexible showerheads,vibrating back massagers,the spin cycle of a front-load washing machine." "The thing to remember is that you're only a virgin once." "Right." "Okay,I got it." "Can this be over now?" "A bad first experience could have negative consequences." "Like diseases that-that make you go blind." "I think what Baze is trying to say is that the most meaningful sex happens between two people who have known each other for a long time." "Since high school,maybe." "You know,people that have reconnected after years apart." "Wh-What I'm trying to say is that it's best to do it with someone that you love,and you barely know Jones." "Oh,okay,okay,I got it." "And if I swear that I'm not having sex with Jones,and I don't plan on having sex with Jones,can this just be over now?" "Yes." "Okay,awesome talk." " Good chat,kiddo." " grate" "Okay." "You lied to my face." "It's not like that." "Then what's it like?" "Before I left,you and Jones were riding around on my bike together." "Now you're talking about having sex witm?" "I'm not having sex with him." "We're just going to the Winter Formal." "It's nothing." "So what,now you're dating a quarterback,pretending to be what,the prom queen?" "I'm not pretending to be anything except normal,maybe." "I'm just trying to have a normal life for once." "And that's why you wanted me to come home?" "So you could rub your normal life in my face?" "No,you don't." "I didn't do anything wrong,Bug!" "You weren't around." "You bailed." "I didn't even know if you were coming back." "It felt like hell when you left." "And now you show up and somehow make me feel even worse." "I thought you said you wanted to change." "It doesn't feel that much different to me." "You look." "Here." "Oh,pink carnations.That's hilarious." "You,um." "want me to help you,you know,put it on?" "Sure." "Ooh,look at that." "If I take it off later,it's only because it's itchy." "But,Math - it's beautiful.Thank you." "We don't allow dudes in her bedroom." "House rules." "And even though I like you,there's no exceptions,son." "Have a seat." "All right,here is the deal." "I was your age a few years ago." "Okay,maybe a few more than a few years,but I have been there and I have done that and I don't want you going there and doing that." "You read me?" "I." "really like Lux." "And I'm going to treat her right." "I'm not the kind of guy who would just hook up with a girl at Winter Formal and ditch her in the parking lot,you know?" "The other shoes hurt my feet." "You look." "incredible." "We should,uh,go." "Ben and Chris are meeting us there." "Oh,wait,wait." "I want to take a picture." "When did you get so embarrassing?" "Ready?" "One,two,three." "Hello,wallpaper." "All right,you crazy kids,have fun." "But not too much fun And Jones,you're a stand-up little dude,dude." "So your first Westmonte dance." "Try first dance ever." "I'm not exactly the typical high school school dance type,as you may have noticed." "Yeah,believe me,I noticed." "Dudes,where you been?" "You totally missed it." "We moved all the furniture from Principal Dugan's office to the cafeteria." "Why?" "Because she blows." "She got more chaperones than ever this year." "Oh,no way." "Mr.Rogers even brought a date?" "Freak." "Isn't that your mom?" "Jones." "Stand-up little dude,my ass." "I guess skank is the new black." "When we went to our dance,all the girls,they wanted to look like the Heathers." "Now they want to look like Kim Kardashian's butt." "What does that mean?" "More chaperones." "Look at her!" "Do I know how to pick out a dress,or what?" "What's with the shoes?" "What are you doing here?" "One of the chaperones fell through,so." "Parents." "You know,we have to step up,fill in the gaps." "I promise,you won't even notice me." "We'll stay out of your hair." "Which looks really great,by the way." "Hi!" "Hi." "That went well." "What do you think?" "For once,it doesn't smell like boy feet." "Now what?" "Well,not that many options,really." "I could get you some punch." "Or a stale cookie." "Or we could dance." "Just like that?" "Just like that." "God,being back in this gym,it makes my boobs hurt." "It's like I can actually feel the dodgeballs nailing me in the chest." "Oh,and that locker room." "If you could bottle humiliation,it would be that smell." "Not a lot of happy memories here,huh?" "At the Winter Formal?" "No." "This was probably a bad idea." "It's not 16 years ago,Cate." "You're not that girl." "And I'm not that guy." "I know." "It's fine." "It'll pass." "It's not like Baze is here to impregnate me and reject me all over again." "You've got to be kidding me!" "What?" "What are you doing here?" "What are you doing?" "Chaperoning,and I call dibs." "I was here first." "Yeah,that's mature." "Oh,you're wearing a shirt that says,"Tap that." "Oh,you're wearing a small garden on your wrist." "Why are you here?" "Uh,Lux." "She forgot this." "I'll give it to her." "You can go." "Yeah,no." "Maybe I want to take a look around,you know?" "Relive my glory days." "Glory days?" "Really?" "Making someone feel like nothing." "That's really a moment to relive." "What is your problem?" "You are." "Can't you just go home?" "You get Lux all the time." "She moved in with you,okay?" "I suck.You win." "Baze one,me zero." "Can't I just have one night with her without you swooping in?" "Fine,fine." "I'll go.All right?" "Let me just grab a cheese cube for the road." "Do you want to get ou here?" "Yeah." "I still remember the dress you wore that night." "Yeah,it had all those scratchy glittery parts." "Yeah,my mom told me I looked like a disco ball with ears." "I wanted to ask you to dance,but by the time I worked up the nerve,you'd." "disappeared." "Better?" "Much." "I always thought if my parents were younger,they'd be less embarrassing." "Guess not." "I'm learning anything involving Cate,Bazeand a publim is usually a recipe for total embarrassment." "It's funny." "No matter how much something seems to be about me,it always ends up about them." "On the night of their Winter Formal,I was conceived." "In this parking lot,actually." "So that's why your dad was so freaked out." "'Cause he thought I'd do the same thing to you." "Out of the car,hotshot,right now." "What do you think you're doing?" "What's going on?" "Oh,we're just listening to music." "Right,right." "I know where that leads." "A little Spin Doctors,some Zima." "The next thing you know,you've got a crazy chick tracking you down on a football field holding a stick th she peed on" "Baze,stop." "I am not Cate and Jones isn't you." "What are we talking about?" "Th I found this on the floor,right where Romeo was standing." "Baze,that's not mine." "No,no,no,no,no." "It's Mr.Bazile now." "Okay,can we just drop this?" "Drop this?" "No,he's the one that dropped this." "And it's a good thing." "Otherwise,I wouldn't know that you were trying to sweet-talk me and devirginize my kid." "There was no devirginizing,okay?" "That speech that you and Abby gave me?" "A little too late." "Wait.What speech?" "Why-why-why are we talking about my sister?" "You're not a virgin?" "I had a boyfriend." "named Bug that I was going to live with." "Okay,why are we talking about virgins and Abby and sex?" "This guy,right here." "It's not his condom." "Bug's back,okay?" "That's Bug's?" "I'm,uh,gonna." "Okay." "When-when was this?" "Today?" "Right before that stupid sex talk with Abby where she ruined everything." "Will somebody please tell me what the hell we are talking about?" "Baze asked Abby for help because he didn't want you to think that he was in over his head." "Last week,"how not to set your kid up on a blind date." "" This week,"how to pawn a sex talk off "on someone who knows even less to someone who doesn't even need it." "" So don't worry,Cate." "In the Parent of the Year category,Baze is batting a big,fat zero,too." "All right." "Well,so then,just to recap,since you've had Lux, you've manipulated her into going out with Jones,you got my nutball sister to give her a sex talk,and,oh,now?" "Now,when she finally goes out with the guy you hook her up with,you ruin it." "Great." "Well,suddenly,I'm feeling like less ofa parenting failure." "Oh,look,it's not a competition,Cate,and if it were,you win." "Okay?" "You've got the good job." "You've got the nice house." "You've got the bank account." "You got everything." "Everything?" "Where's Lux?" "Where's Ryan?" "It's not like it's my fault." "You haven't exactly helped." "What else do you want to blame me for?" "Cate?" "It's raining outside." "It's Baze's fault." "Your car doesn't start?" "Blame Baze." "Listen." "I am not the root of all your problems." "ally?" "Because it feels like you ruined my life back then,and somehow,lately,you show up everywhere I am,and you ruin it again." "It's been 16 years." "Let it go." "I mean,isn't there some sort of "statue" of limitations on how long you can punish me for it?" "It's statute,you idiot!" "Whatever." "And it's not just that,okay?" "I heard you." "What you said to your stupid friends after we slept together." "What are you talking about?" "It was the Monday after." "You were standing outside of homeroom." "And somebody asked you if we hooked up." "You said the only way that you would ever hook up with me was if I had a bag over my head and tape over my mouth,so you wouldn't have to look at my face or listen to me." "I mean,it's no wonder I have a job in radio." "Cate." "I'm sorry." "You know that's not true,right?" "I mean,look at you." "ouldn't have said it." "I didn't mean it." "Yes,you did." "Did you know that after we slept together,I actually thought we were gonna date?" "Then I called my friend Missy,and I told her that." "You know,I thought I might actually have a boyfriend." "And then I heard what you said." "You didn't even see me standing there." "It was like I didn't even exist." "I just felt totally,completely alone,like the biggest idiot." "Kind of like now I am back in this high school, waiting for this one person to make me feel like I'm actually worth something." "Like I mean something to them." "Cate." "Cate,you are worth something to me." "What?" "wait." "What?" "No.I'm talking about Lux." "Nothyou." "Okay?" "She's who I want." "She's what will make me feel better." "All right?" "God,I am 32 years old." "I'm not sitting around,looking for your approval." "Okay,I get it." "I got it.Jeez." "That is why I wanted the tape." "You've got to stop screaming at me." "I was trying to make you feel better,Cate." "I was trying to show you that I'm not the same guy anymore." "Once again,you act like you're God's gift to the universe!" "And I am nothing!" "You think you're not the same guy anymore?" "I mean,you haven't changed a bit." "Can you believe she did that?" "Jones,hey." "Jones,I'm-I'm sorry." "You know what?" "I'm taking off." "Wait!" "Look,I know that transcended any reasonable amount of awkwardness.but... are you mad?" "That you slept with your ex-boyfriend and then came here with me?" "No,I feel like the luckiest guy in the world." "I didn't know Bug was going to show up." "And-and you and I?" "We were a last-minute thing." "Going to the dance as friends." "I mean,you said that." "Friends." "Well,I'm friends with Ben and Chris." "I don't slow-dance with them." "Jones,I'm sorry." "I mean,go if you want,but you're my one friend here." "Right?" "I don't know what I am." "lux" "I didn't realize this hallway was taken." "High school dances suck,no matter how old you are." "You seem more upset than I do." "I'essing this isn't the time and the night for a mother-daughter heart-to-heart." "Where you give m some profound insight that's somehow relevant to both our lives?" "Probably not." "Can I just say one thing real quick?" "And I promise it won't be that insightful or profound." "We all have things that we hold on to,that we can't let go of." "You know,you were right about Baze." "I keep punishing him because I can't let him feel better about the past because I don't feel better about it." "You know,until I do,I don't want to let him off the hook." "You know,maybe you can relate a little?" "Maybe you don't want to let me feel better either?" "I know that I hurt you,Lux,when I said no to Tasha." "I know you don't feel better yet." "I can't fix it for you." "just like Baze can't fix it for me." "Maybe it's something that we have to do for ourselves." "But if you can,hurry so I don't have to show up at a school dance just to be a part of your life." "I miss you." "I miss you,too." "Sorry to bug you guys,but Lux,someone's looking for you." "They're paid for." "Whatever you want to do,I'm here:" "prom queen." "president,whatever." "I want to be here." "Even if it means being at a dance with people I don't feel good enough to be around." "You're good enough,Bug." "In fact." "you're better." "Oh,math,I am sorry." "I mean,I'm the worstchaperone." "Even 16 years later,I have a way of ruining the night and still making it about me and Baze." "If Baze had gotten me pregnant,I'd probably make it about him,too." "That and a medical miracle." "Math,thank you." "for tonight." "Reliving the past taught me that I don't want to relive it anymore." "Maybe redo it." "Redo sounds good." "Want to dance?" "I'd like that." "Abby,hey." "What are you doing here?" "Think of it as a follow-up." "How's Lux?" "Yeah,I single-handedly ruined her Winter Formal." "I'm sure that's not true." "Kate was an eyewitness." "What was she doing there?" "Reminding me of how I single-handedly ruined her Winter Formal." "At least I'm consistent,right?" "Apparently,I am the root of all her issues." "Trust me,she had issues long before you:" "a drunk for a mom,a dad who abandoned her when she was six." "You're just the tip of the iceberg." "I didn't know all of that." "You know,and I-I didn't know that Cate actually liked me." "Why wouldn't she?" "Everyone liked you." "No." "I liked you." "You did?" "Uh,I think that's the three cosmos talking But yes,I did." "Look,maybe you weren't the most thoughtful guy when you were 16 but look at you now." "You-you-you have your own business, you stepped up to be a dad to a kid you didn't know about without thinking twice, and you put up with Cate no matter how much she yells and screams and weirdly pronounces silent Gs at the end of words." "I know." "It's,like,"bon-glamp." "I kind of love that about her." "Me,too." "But look,if-if Cate can't see how much you've changed,then just screw her." "Right." "She's missing out on getting to know a really great guy." "Wh-What are you doing here?" "Letting go of the past." "Or at least trying." "Is Baze here?" "I checked the bar,but." "Um,I'll see if I can find him." "He's somewhere.I saw his truck out front." "Hey,you in here?" "Seriously?" "BAZE:" "Lux." "Lux,when two people have a connection." "I've heard the whole traffic school front-loading speech." "Lux,I can explain." "You actually don't have time;" "Cate's waiting for you." "What?" "Outside." "I-I was going for a "Say Anything" moment,and-and the stupid thing ate my tape." "Spin Doctors." "A "Pocket Full of Kryptonite"?" "I couldn't find a minivan,but I-I did manage to find a couple bottles of Zima." "I,uh,I figured it was time for a redo - the way we should have done it the first time, you know,minu the awkward backseat sex." "Look,I don't want to hate you anymore." "and I don't want to punish you." "I just." "I want to let go of the past and move forward." "And if I can,hopefully,Lux can see that she can,too." "Cate." "I'm sorry." "for who I was back then." "I'm really sorry." "I know." "I know that you're not that guy anymore." "A toast." "to what,old enemies?" "How about new friends?"