"(GATE CREAKlNG)" "(SCREECHlNG)" "(DOG howling)" "(SCREECHlNG)" "(lNDlSTlNCT whispering)" "(CACKLlNG)" "(CRYPTKEEPER speaking)" "Hello, kiddies." "You're just in time for your driving lesson." "Today we'll be learning about scare-allel parking and the right way to look behind when hacking up." "But first, I thought we'd go over a few common hand signals." "This, of course, means you're turning right." "And this means you're turning left." "And this means... (CAR HORN blaring)" "Slow down, it's time to watch Tales from the Crypt." "(CACKLlNG)" "Tonight's moving violation concerns a disk jockey who's so cutting-edge, he may lose his chop." "I call it "In The Groove."" "Oh, baby, you're so hot." "You're on fire, you're steam." "I'm gonna take your shoe off." "Is that okay?" "Can I do that?" "Okay." "Only two kinds of girls wear red shoes and you ain't no Spanish dancer." "(EXHALlNG)" "You know what you're doing to me?" "And now I think the stocking." "Yeah." "Baby, you've got the most beautiful legs, but I..." "I bet you hear that all the time, don't you?" "Well, sometimes." "Sometimes?" "Yeah, right." "Why don't you stand up?" "I want you out of that skirt, you nasty little girl." "God, you look so good in that G-string." "I don't wear G-strings." "Okay, what kind of panties do you wear?" "You know, regular ones." "Fine, whatever." "I don't think I want to do this anymore." "Fine." "Maybe one of our listeners has a fantasy that's more to your liking." "So, okay, out there, Lancaster, the lovely Carla is waiting to hear from you." "Let's go to the phones." "The number here is 555-1234." "What, did somebody drop a bomb on you people?" "Hello, Lancaster, are you out there?" "Come in." "Or maybe you bumpkins just haven't figured out how to use a telephone yet." "Screw all of you." "GARY ON TAPE:" "This has been another fun filled excursion on Gary's Drive Time Desires, the show that gets you up in the morning." "All right, I'm outta here." "Enough fun for today." "Hank Bodine is up next." "Hey, there's a good time." "Thanks for nothing, sweetheart." "That was even more boring than sex with my ex." "Come on, let's go." "Does this mean it's over?" "Yeah, it's over." "Get the hell outta here and don't listen to my radio show anymore." "I never listen to your radio show." "Where's my $10, buddy?" "What're you talking about?" "Get outta here before I call security." "Oh, hey, listen." "You're the one who asked me to be here!" "Get outta here, you big old nasty..." "You're such a geek!" "You're a geek!" "Halloween special!" "You know, I'm gonna get my $10." "Don't come back!" "Jesus, you believe that chick?" "Security?" "Like you need it." "Up yours, pal." "What'd you get last quarter?" "Thirty share." "What'd you get, mama's boy?" "(inaudible)" "Not a 30 share." "Not even a 30 share." "I want him fired." "You're the one I wish I could fire." "I just got off the phone with the only sponsor you had left." "Hendrix Auto Body walked?" "Hendrix Auto Body ran." "I'm moving Hank to drive time." "Shifting you to graveyard." "What?" "You can't shift me to graveyard!" "Hey, listen, every second you're on the air, this station loses money." "And if your ratings don't improve in your first week," "I am cutting you down to half an hour." "You don't have the authority to do that." "It's all in the will." "No, Mom left us the station 50-50." "I can do whatever the hell I want." "Read the fine print." "I make the corporate decisions, not you." "You think mom was stupid?" "God." "God, if that woman were alive, I'd kill her!" "Show some respect." "By the way, you won't be alone in your new time slot." "I've decided to partner you with someone." "What?" "She's a fan of yours, if you can believe that." "Been bugging me for months." "I don't want a partner." "It's not a question of want." "Gary, this is Valerie Cardoza." "Valerie, meet Gary Grover." "It's a pleasure to finally meet you." "I've been a fan of yours since your Pittsburgh days." "I went to college there." "I'm warning you, don't do this." "Gary, your material sucks." "I think you should listen to some of Miss Cardoza's ideas." "I wouldn't be here if I didn't think I could help, Gary." "I think what you're doing is great." "The problem is the audience hasn't figured you out yet." "All you need is more time and maybe a little help with some..." "Just give me a try." "If it doesn't work, I'll walk away." "Walk away now." "I'm not your enemy, Gary." "I'm not your sister." "FEMALE ANNOUNCER:" "So, for that really big, huge, monster-sized headache, use new Noggin Relief." "You won't feel a thing, really." "MALE ANNOUNCER:" "This is KWMG, Lancaster." "GARY:" "Welcome to Grover's Graveyard." "The show that gets you up from six feet under." "(sighs)" "Oh, baby." "You are..." "You are so hot." "I'm gonna take your shoe off now." "Is that okay?" "Can I do that?" "Yeah." "Now, I think the stocking." "Yes, baby, you have got the most beautiful legs I've ever seen, but I bet you hear that a lot, don't you?" "VALERlE:" "Gary?" "Yeah?" "You don't have to take my other stocking off because it's already off." "What're you..." "ln fact, all I have on is this white, silk, see-through dress." "Can't you see the shape of my body through it?" "I don't like underwear, Gary." "I find it too constricting." "I like to feel the nice, soft breeze hum all over every part of me." "Let me take my dress off so you can look at me." "Do you like what you see?" "Oh, yeah." "Let me feel what I do to you, Gary." "Oh, my." "Did I do that?" "valerie:" "What're you..." "Oh, Gary, you're an animal." "This studio..." "I've never even done it like this before." "Oh, Gary, I just can't resist you." "Take me, Gary." "Faster..." "I'll take your calls right after this message." "Yes, I can take it." "Give me everything you've got." "How was that?" "Honey, I'm back." "(VALERlE AND GARY GRUNTlNG)" "Yes!" "Did you?" "You know..." "No." "Did you?" "No." "That's right, Lancaster, it's Bizarre Sex Act Thursday." "I don't know about you, but things here in the studio are getting a little fluffy, if you know what I'm saying." "Now, I wanna hear the weirdest, the strangest, the most unquestionably perverse things that you've ever done." "And I wanna hear it now." "I want it hot." "I want it nasty." "Deal with it." "Deal with it." "And, Mom, if you're listening, I don't want to know about it." "Let's go to the phones, shall we?" "You're on the air." "Shock me." "FEMALE CALLER:" "Hi, Gary." "Hi, baby." "What have you got for me?" "What's the most bizarre act you've ever done?" "Well, I'm doing it right now while I'm listening to you." "Oh, it's so good." "Oh, you're kidding." "Well, I guess that would make you a nasty little monkey woman, wouldn't it?" "I guess so." "Yeah, it sure would." "What do you think I ought to do about that?" "I don't know." "I could come down to your studio and you could spank me, ifyou want." "Is that right?" "I live right nearby." "I could be there in just a few minutes..." "Mom, I told you never to call me here!" "(CAR crashing)" "I'm Gary Grover and we will continue." "I'll be right back." "Sis." "Guess you won't be cutting my time, after all, huh?" "It's only been a week." "Don't flatter yourself." "I want you to have a wonderful night in that nice little house of yours, all by yourself." "Hey, why don't you listen to the show?" "It's the most exciting thing that will ever creep into your bedroom." "Damn!" "Somebody please hose me off." "You're feeling it, too, aren't you?" "The chemistry, the heat." "Listen, this isn't really the..." "Oh, God, I love having you in my head." "Oh, God, I love being there." "(ON radio) Hi, neighbors, Doctor Hilla-va-drilla here from the Lancaster dental office." "When's the last time you opened your mouth up nice and wide and had somebody give you their professional opinion?" "At the dental office, the inside of your mouth is very important to us." "GARY:" "So, Larry from Lancaster, let me get this straight." "You tell me you have a problem with the fact that you came home and caught your wife in bed with another woman." "Is that what you told me?" "LARRY:" "I've got a big problem with that, but I figured, if she's going to have an affair, why couldn't it be normal?" "You know, like, with another man." "Let me tell you something, pal." "You catch colon cancer, that's a problem." "Your dog dies, it's your best friend, that's a problem." "You catch your wife in bed with another woman, not a problem." "Know how many losers from Lancaster would die to be in your shoes, Larry?" "Do you?" "Oh, heck, my friends, they..." "You out of your mind?" "Why didn't you jump in?" "Grab the moment." "Jump in there." "You know what?" "You don't even deserve to jump in." "Here's what you do." "Send them down to me." "That's right, baby." "Send them to me." "Me and Val will tighten them up." "We know what to do with nasty little girls like that, don't we, Val?" "Oh, now, come on." "If you're trying to..." "You're a loser, Larry, you always were a loser." "Get off my radio station." "So, insomniacs, that ends another evening of the sexiest show you'll ever see on the radio." "Those of you just going off to work, suffer." "That was great." "What's the matter?" "That was definitely cool." "Thanks a lot." "I was talking to the chick." "Don't get too comfy in that drive time slot, buddy." "Val!" "Val, will you wait a minute?" "What's the matter?" "Why'd you run outta there?" "It's the show." "What is wrong with the show?" "The show's great." "Next rating book that comes out, we'll be ready to expand to the entire station." "What's the problem?" "Not if we keep doing what we're doing." "What're you talking about?" "All we ever talk about is sex." "Yeah, so?" "What's the problem with that?" "That's what our audience wants to hear." "No, that's all we give them." "We're better than that." "No." "You see, they want to forget about their pathetic, impotent lives." "It's called escapism, entertainment." "Whats the matter?" "Do you trust me?" "Just take me home and find out." "Jesus!" "Val!" "Am I gonna see you later?" "FEMALE ANNOUNCER:" "Haven't gotten any action lately?" "Okay, so, we'll start off with the "Unfaithfully Yours" sketch." "Ought to get some juicy confessions on that one." "About 2:30, I think we'll go to "Fantastic Fetishes."" "Okay, let's say we did talk about something else." "What, for instance, might that be?" "You have a lot of strong opinions, Gary." "Why don't you say what you feel for a change?" "About what?" "Hey, Lancaster, it's Gary Grover." "How're you'll doing?" "Tonight..." "Tonight, I though that..." "I have something for you that's gonna be a little..." "A little different." "I don't know about you, but I've got a headache, so I thought that we might talk about..." "Come on." "Anger, let's talk about anger for a minute." "Anger is a good thing." "Not that it's, you know, good to be angry at someone but it's..." "But sometimes there are things in our lives that we are legitimately angry about and if you don't let that anger out..." "Let's talk about authority figures, shall we?" "I just can't stand anyone in this world who has authority over me and abuses it." "You give some loser..." "A loser!" "...a uniform or a suit, and all of a sudden, they think they're God, making our lives miserable." "Why?" "Because they can." "Have I ever told you people about my mother?" "My mother owned a lot of radio stations in her day." "Not that I was ever employed in any of them because, you see, she didn't wanna spoil us." "And when she died, what do you think this loving, nurturing woman" "left me in her will?" "Her Chicago station?" "No." "Her Minneapolis station?" "No." "All she left me was half of her Lancaster station." "Half." "And do you know why she did this?" "Because after holding me back my entire life, she wanted to keep me under her thumb from beyond the grave as well!" "Have you ever heard anything more sick, anything more perverse?" "In spite of all her success, my mother was just a greedy, hateful, wretched, old, shriveled up bitch!" "I hope you're in hell, Mother, because that's what you made my life!" "I'll be back right after these words." "Do you realize what you just did?" "That was unbelievable." "That was better than sex." "I am hereby giving you notice." "Tomorrow is your last show." "You can't do that." "Remember?" "Christ, will you look at those phone lines?" "Our mother's will was very, very specific." "No one is to defame her on the air, ever." "I'm the hottest thing you got, baby." "You couldn't get rid of me even if you wanted to." "Oh, you're finished." "All right, you wanna get rid of me?" "Fine." "I don't need this place." "I can get a job in another station like that." "Well, I'm not firing you." "I'm just taking you off the air, and holding onto your contract." "No one else is gonna be able to touch you for years." "You can't do that to me!" "I won't let you do that to me!" "I'm sorry." "This whole thing is my fault." "It's not your fault." "Listen, she lives for vengeance." "Ever since we were kids, she would take the prize out of the box of cereal," "or eat all the little tasty treats." "But if I..." "Listen to me, what happened last night was great radio." "You heard the callers." "We are onto something and I'm not gonna let my sister stop us." "She's got us." "What are we going to do?" "Kill her?" "That was a rhetorical question." "Give me your hands." "I'm gonna put something in your head for a change." "We won't get caught." "We'll kill her while we're on the air." "What?" "She's doing this to both of us." "Val, just hear me out." "We'll pre-tape a segment, say 20 minutes worth, and around 1 :30 we'll start rolling it." "You'll drive me to Rita's house." "I know her house." "GARY:" "I'll go in the window and make it look like a burglary." "I'll go to her bedroom." "And while she's asleep, I'll kill that little rat bitch." "What do you say, partner?" "For us." "Let's do it." "FEMALE CALLER:" "Because planning so many meals a week and trying to keep my family satisfied can be hard work." "FEMALE ANNOUNCER:" "Mrs. Anderson discovered the newly opened Kitchen Cove in downtown Lancaster." "You ready?" "CALLER:" "It's great because it has all sorts of things on the menu and everybody can buy things that they like." "Even my son, he's a tough one." "He usually doesn't like anything." "FEMALE ANNOUNCER:" "The Kitchen Cove, at 609 Main Street." "(music PLA ying ON radio)" "GARY:" "It's 1:28, Lancaster, and we are back in Grover's Graveyard." "I thought tonight we might stroll down a different path than last night just lighten it up a bit, what do you say?" "Let's talk about the crazy things we ha ve done for love." "Be right back." "Hey, be careful." "Thanks for helping me break in my new on-air talent." "Rita?" "I wasn't too sure about this self-defense thing, but Val's plan has worked perfectly, right from the beginning." "Please." "Hey, if it's any consolation," "I think you finally found an audience." "You might've been pretty good after all." "Don't do this." "I'm your brother, for God's sake." "An accident of birth." "Give my love to mom." "(SCREAMS)" "GARY ON radio:" "You see, the problem was I was nuts about her." "And I was totally blinded from seeing what a fool I was." "I tell you, it's amazing sometimes, what you'll do to close the deal." "(ON radio) Folks, this is Valerie and something awful has happened." "I just popped out for a sandwich and when I got back, Gary wasn't here." "(SNlFFLES)" "But he left this tape playing." "I've just been notified by the police that Gary is dead." "He's been killed." "It's just..." "I know that this is hard for me, and I'm sure it's hard for all of us," "but at least we have each other." "And the phone lines are open." "Hi, this is Val." "FEMALE CALLER:" "My gosh, Val, this is such a terrible thing." "I mean, all I can say is, I'm just so glad we have you to talk to tonight." "And I feel I can speak on behalf of everyone here." "People are gonna be talking, let me tell you." "We all loved the show so much..." "Poor Gary!" "Talk about being number one with a bullet!" "(CACKLlNG)" "Looks like he'll be the mourning man after all!" "(CACKLlNG)" "(police siren wailing)" "As for me, kiddies, I guess I better start practicing what I preach." "I got caught going a little fester than the speed limit." "But the officer decided to let me off with a warning." "See?" "It pays to know the ghouls of the road." "(CACKLlNG)"