"( foghorn bellowing )" "( squawks )" "( squeaking )" "( squawks )" "Shh." "He ducked down behind that packing case, 99." " I wonder what made him suspicious." " It's your squeaky shoes, Max." " Maybe you should take them off." " Good thinking, 99." "( squeaks )" "It's not my shoes." "I think it's my socks." " Then take your socks off." " I'd rather not, 99." " Why?" " It might be my feet." "99, I'm hit!" "I'm bleeding!" "It's only red wine, Max." "I'm bleeding red wine?" "Max, he's getting away!" " I'm going after him, 99." " You can't do that, Max." "Yes, I can." "He's out of ammunition." "A .38 special only fires six shots." "What makes you think he's using a .38 special?" "Because, 99, I happen to be an expert on weapons." "I know the sound of a .38 special and I counted six shots." "But, Max, you're making a terrible mistake." " ( gunshots ) - ( clicks )" "You're the one with the .38 special, Max." "I knew there was one around here someplace." "( siren wailing )" "That must be the Chief." "Mmm, he'll have to make a break for it now, 99." "( squawks )" "( clicks )" "Max, Max!" "Are you all right?" "Yes, I'm all right, 99." " Is he gone?" " I'm afraid so, Max." " Max, look." " Oh, he left the bird." "I wonder why he tried to kill him." "Because KAOS is vicious, rotten and cruel." "They'll stop at nothing to achieve their evil ends, even to shooting a harmless little bird." "KAOS forever." "KAOS forever." "Max!" "He may be a harmless little bird, 99, but he's got a big mouth." "( theme music playing )" "Here, Chief." "As you can see, the sailor in the alley is a man named Kosovich." "He's a well-known KAOS agent." "What I don't understand, Chief, is why KAOS would be smuggling information in on an old freighter." "What else is there?" "We've jammed their shortwave radio, we've broken their telegraph code, and yesterday we took the last of their carrier pigeons into custody." "KAOS forever." "KAOS forever." "There's something very suspicious about that bird, Chief." "All he ever says is "KAOS forever, KAOS forever."" "Exactly." "I think he knows more than he's telling." "There are ways to make a parrot talk, Chief." "Turn out the lights." "( squawking )" "Max, isn't it a little ridiculous-- questioning a bird?" "All right, you, talk!" "( squawking )" "Listen, are you gonna talk or am I gonna bring in the cat?" "Now, Max, we don't want to use any third-degree tactics." "Oh." "Well, in that case, maybe I'd better use a different tack." "Turn on the lights, Chief." "All right now, you can talk to me." "I'm your friend." "99, why don't you go down to the supply room and get our little friend some crackers?" "Right, Max." " You see, Chief" " Man:" "I must get in there." "Wait a minute." "I can't let you got in there." "All right, Harrison." " Are you the Chief of CONTROL?" " I am." " I am Creevley, A.S.P.C.B." " What?" "American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Birds." " You're a lawyer, Mr. Creevley." " That is correct." "And for your information, this bird is my client." " What are the charges against him?" " Well, none." "Then I demand he be released at once." "Wait a minute." "How about consorting with known criminals?" "That is guilt by association, which is clearly unconstitutional." "Look, Mr. Creevley, this bird may have important information." "You are detaining my client illegally." "Have you no respect for due process of law?" "Now wait a minute, I brought this bird here myself." "Of his own free will?" "I didn't exactly ask his permission." "By force." "I didn't twist his wing either." "Did you witness this?" "Mr. Creevley, I can assure you that Max has treated this bird with the utmost courtesy." "It's not a question of courtesy." "This is a matter of civil rights." "Was this bird informed that anything he said" " could be held against him?" " Well, no." "Was he advised that he could make one phone call?" "We didn't even think about it." "Tell that to the Supreme Court." "We were merely about to question the bird." "You were?" "Doesn't that seem cruel to you, grilling an innocent bird?" "Oh, I expected to find heartlessness here, but not sheer idiocy." "Now just a moment, Creevley, there's no more idiocy here than there is in any other organization." "Please, Max, let me handle this." "Mr. Creevley, we are in business to fight KAOS." "That's why we want information from that parrot." "Then if you're the experts on KAOS, why don't you question each other instead of that bird?" "Because he knows more than we do!" "That doesn't surprise me." "KAOS forever." "KAOS forever." "You hear that?" "This bird has seen and heard a lot." "Chief, just give me five minutes alone with him." "I'll file suit for a million dollars in damages if you touch one feather on that bird's body." "What exactly do you want, Mr. Creevley?" "This is a writ of habeas corpus." "I suppose you know what that is." "Well, of course we know what that is." "Everybody knows what that is." "What is that, Chief?" "It's a court order that compels us to hand over the parrot." "Do we have to, Chief?" "I'm afraid so, Max." "It's a legal document." "Where are you taking him?" "Anywhere he wants to go." " Where is that?" " That is privileged information between my client and his lawyer." "KAOS forever." "KAOS forever." "Max, I want you to follow him and find out" " where he takes that parrot." " Right, Chief." "Oh, and be careful." "I don't want him to know you're following him." "Don't worry, Chief." "If there's one thing I know how to do, it's to put a tail on a bird." "( squawks )" "Hey." "Hey, you." "You planning on buying that magazine?" "This ain't a library, mister." " Shh." " That magazine costs 50¢!" "Not so loud." "( quietly ) This ain't a library, mister." "( squawks )" "Hey, there you go again." "I already paid for this magazine." " I just put it back." " Did you take it from there?" "Yes, I did, but that doesn't mean I didn't-- 50¢." "It's used." "All right, I'll take a quarter." " Chiseler." " Deadbeat." "Hey, don't tie up the phone." "I'm expecting a call from my wife." "Hello, Chief?" "This is 86." " ( phone rings )" " Hold on a second, Chief." "Hello." "Yes, could you hold on for a minute, please?" " Hey, is that for me?" " I'll be out in a few minutes." "That's a very important call." "Here." " Hello, Chief." " Hello, Gladys." "Listen, Chief, I followed Creevley until he passed the parrot on to a KAOS messenger." "He just went into a place called "Kilmen's Pet Shop."" "I can't hear you, Gladys." "There's a guy talking into a shoe." " He should be out in a few minutes." " I don't know." " It looks like a shoe phone." " Not yet, Chief." "Gladys wants to know where you got the shoe." "CONTROL issue." "He says it's CONTROL issue." " Not yet, Chief." " What's CONTROL?" " Top secret." " He says it's top secret." "Here he comes now, Chief." "Hey, she wants to know what your job is." "Hello, Gladys?" "I'm a spy." "If I told you once, I told you 1,000 times-- ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer." "He hasn't got the parrot with him." "What do I want for dinner?" "The parrot, Chief, the parrot." "How about parrot?" "I mean-- pot roast." "How about pot roast?" "Chief, the pot roast is still in there." "Look, I'll be over to CONTROL in a few minutes." "Look, I'll call you later." "Goodbye, Chief." "So long, Gladys." "Whew, why is it so hot in here, Carlson?" "I'm sorry, Chief, our air conditioning broke down this morning." "Listen, Carlson, I'd like to use" " the master identification file." " What for?" "I think I've got a lead and I'd like to check it out in the file." "Let him use the master file, Carlson." "But, Chief, that file is not a toy." "You know what happened to it last time he used it." "Do you really think you can find out anything important, Max?" "Have I ever steered you wrong, Chief... lately?" "All right, Carlson, let Smart see what he can do." "Activate the master identification file." "( whirring )" "Okay, Smart, it's all yours." "Now that's just a figure of speech." "Maybe you'd better tell me what you hope to find out, Max." "Well, Chief, that guy took the parrot to Kilmen's Pet Shop, and the name "Kilmen" rang a bell, so I'd like to run it through the machine and see what we get." "How long should this take, Carlson?" " 10 seconds if everything goes right." " ( multi-tonal bleeping )" "Let's move over to the delivery slot and see what we get." "( continues bleeping )" "It's coming out, Max." "Don't pull it." "Let it come out by itself." "I know what I'm doing, Carlson." "I was right, Chief." "Take a look at that." "When the letters in the name "Kilmen" are rearranged, look what they spell." " Melnik." " Who's Melnik?" "One of KAOS's top executives." "That's right." "He's known as "the smiling killer."" "You gotta respect a man who enjoys his work, Chief." "Max, if Kilmen is Melnik, that means that the pet shop is a KAOS front." "Yes, and it means that Kosovich must be working out of it" " and taking his orders from Melnik." " That's right." "You and 99 get over there and see what you can find out." "Right, Chief." "Can we take Fang with us?" "Good idea." "He'll be useful as a cover." "Oh, and incidentally, Max, you did a good job here." "Oh, thank you, Chief." "You see, Carlson?" " I told you I knew what I was doing." " That's right, Carlson," " I think you owe 86 an apology." " And he owes me about $80,000." " What for?" " For repairs!" "( bleeping, groaning, squeaking )" " Chief..." " ( door closes ) ...are you absolutely sure he's on our side?" "Mr. Melnik, our messenger reports that he was followed here by a CONTROL agent." "Perfect, Kosovich, perfect." "It's as though we planned it this way." " What do you mean by that?" " Well, now that CONTROL knows where the parrot is, they'll be sure to send an agent to investigate and KAOS will add another victim to its list." "Which agent do you think they'll send?" "I don't know, Kosovich, I don't know, but we can always hope that it will be..." "Maxwell Smart." "Maxwell Smart." " ( laughing )" " Maxwell Smart, Maxwell Smart..." "What are we gonna do, Max?" "We haven't seen anyone go in or come out of there in over an hour." "We're just gonna have to take a chance and go in, 99." "If it is a KAOS front and if Melnik is operating it, we're bound to find incriminating evidence." " How do you want to get in?" " Your skeleton keys." " Let me have them." " Oh, I'm sorry, Max," "I left them in my other purse." " I guess I'd better go weigh in." " Right." "13. 13?" " Man:" "Put a penny in." " What?" "Put a penny in here." "What are you talking about, 13?" "This is 86." "Open up." "Put a penny in the slot." "I don't have a penny." "I'll take a nickel." "99, let me have a penny." " What's the matter, Max?" " Oh, I don't know." "It's just that 13 is a pain sometimes." "Here." "Hi, 86." "Agent 13 here." "What have you got, 13?" "Claustrophobia and flat feet." "I mean, what information do you have?" "Oh, yeah." "Your weight's 150 and your fortune for today-- 13, what are you talking about?" "How long have you been on duty in here?" "Since about 2:00 this afternoon." "Have you seen anything weird or suspicious?" "Not till you came along." "Where's your sense of humor, 86?" "Listen, we think that Kilmen's Pet Shop is a KAOS front and that Melnik is operating it." " "The smiling killer"?" " Yes." "99 and I are gonna have to go in there." "Let me borrow your skeleton keys." "Right." "Here, and that'll be a $20 deposit." "$20?" "!" "20 bucks." "That's what CONTROL charges me." "99, can you let me have $20?" "Oh, I'm sorry, Max, I left it in my other purse." "Well, here." "Take my watch as security." "Yeah, well, I don't know, 86." "It's a perfectly good watch." "Look at that." "One of Mickey Mouse's hands is broken." " Let me have them." " ( rips )" "Well, that's just what I needed-- a perfect end to a glorious day." "Come on, 99." "Max, don't you think we ought to check for alarms and booby traps before you use those keys?" "Good idea, 99." " Activate your Magneto Ring." " Right, Max." "Here, can you attach it for me?" " Get anything?" " No, it's all right." "There's no electric eye, no alarm systems." "Good." "Now nothing can go wrong unless this lock is attached to some kind of a-- some kind of a" " Some kind of a what, Max?" " Some kind of a" "Some kind of a trapdoor?" "Exactly." "( barks )" "Good evening, Mr. Smart." "So good of you and your friends to..." "To drop in, yes." "Get up." "There must be some fascinating explanation" " for this unexpected visit." " Okay, let's hear it." "Perhaps you wanted to make a purchase for your pet and you just couldn't wait for the store to open." "Say, that's not bad." "I'll buy that." "Come on, 99, let's get out of here." "Come on, 99." "We've decided to stay for a while." "What kind of a fool do you think I am?" "Well, I don't know, just an ordinary everyday run-of-the-mill type fool, I guess." "Apparently you don't know who I am." "Yes, we do." "You're Melnik..." ""The smiling killer."" "At your service." "You know Kosovich, of course." "Hello again, Smart." "Yes, the last time I saw Kosovich he was showing his courage by trying to assassinate a parrot." "Yes, but you must understand these birds are vital to KAOS and we don't like the idea" " of CONTROL getting ahold of them." " Why not?" "An excellent question, miss." "Thank you." "Now maybe you can give me an excellent answer." "Yes, of course." "Watch." "Man on tape:" "The formula for the new hydrogen rocket fuel is C2H2O7 subjected to antifiltration process and dual carbonic concentration." " The formu" " You see?" "The recorder plays the information over and over." "The parrot memorizes it and then is dispatched to KAOS headquarters overseas." "Very clever, Melnik." "Too bad for you we found out." "Too bad for you, Mr. Smart, 'cause now we'll have to kill you." "I knew it was too bad for somebody." " Take care of them, Kosovich." " Right." "99:" "I'm warning you, Kosovich-- if you point that gun at us," "Fang's gonna leap at your throat and tear you to pieces." " Leap, Fang, leap!" " Leap, Fang!" "( whining )" "Go ahead, Fang, leap." "Melnik:" "He doesn't respond too well." "Who taught him to leap?" " You did, Max." " Oh." "Don't hurt the dog, Kosovich." "We'll send him to KAOS headquarters and retrain him." "Here, use this." " What's that?" " A tranquilizer gun." "It slows up an animal's reactions so that he can be handled more easily." " ( beeping )" " Somebody's at the front door." "I'll go up and see who it is." "You take care of them, Kosovich." "Goodbye, Mr. Smart." "Oh, by the way," "I almost forgot..." " ( laughs ) - ( chuckles )" "Listen, Melnik, tell me one thing-- why do you always smile just before you kill someone?" "I guess it's just because I like dealing with people." "All right, Smart, I'll make it easy on you." " Where do you want it?" " Where?" "I'll give it to you anywhere you want." "How about Philadelphia?" "Goodbye, Mr. Smart." "Wait!" "Before you shoot us, I'd like to ask for something." " What is it?" " A goodbye kiss." "99, you hardly know him!" " Not him, Max, you." " Oh." "Wait a minute," " that's not a bad idea." " What?" "An attractive man like Kosovich, a man of action, daring, strength" "I think I'd like to have him kiss me goodbye." "99, how can you talk like that?" "The man is a vicious rotten KAOS killer." "Everyone has their little faults, Max." "Is this some sort of a trick?" "Would I trick you at a time like this?" "I can't resist you." "99, control yourself." "It's those piercing black eyes, that cruel mouth." "Kiss me, Kosovich." " ( bullets whistle )" " Max, are you all right?" "Yes, I'm all right, 99." "I've just been tranquilized." "All right, Kosovich, get up against that wall!" "Hold it, 99." "Let me take care of this." "I've got a score... to settle... ( slowing down ) with Kosovich." "( screams )" "Kosovich, that's the Chief of CONTROL up there at the door." "We gotta kill Smart and get out of here." "Kosovich!" "Get out of the way!" " Chief, thank goodness." " Larrabee, take him to headquarters." " You got here just in time." " It looks like that, 99." "But what's with Max?" "What's going on here?" "Oh, it's a little hard to explain, Chief." "You see, Max and Kosovich have been tranquilized." " Tranquilized?" " Mm-hmm." "They've hit each other with tranquilizing pellets." "It should wear off in a couple of hours though." "He'll be all right, won't he?" "Oh, sure, Chief." "He's just asleep." "( chuckles ) Look how peaceful he looks, like a five-year-old child." "Yes, I know." "Sometimes it worries me." "Here, Max, put these tapes away." "We'll turn them over to the Defense Department tomorrow morning." " Where do you want them?" " The wall safe behind the picture." "99, I'd like you to help me make out a report on tonight's activities." " Right, Chief." "Usual procedure?" " Naturally." " Three copies of the report." " File the master copy" " and burn the other two." " Of course." "I've been meaning to ask you about that." "Why do we bother making extra copies" " when all we do is destroy them?" " It's security procedure, 99." "Doesn't that strike you as being a little odd?" "I used to think so too, but, well, it's all carefully explained in the CONTROL Standard Procedure Handbook." "May I have a look at that handbook sometime?" " I'm afraid not, 99." " Why not?" "We burned it." "Chief, I'm having a little trouble getting this picture up." "Max!" "Uh, Chief, either this is the wrong picture or somebody stole your wall safe." "It's the wrong picture." "Have you got the new combination, Max?" "New combination." "New combination?" "!" "Yes, according to standard security procedure we changed the combination yesterday." "Do you have it?" "Well, I didn't memorize it, Chief," " but I had the usual three copies made." " Where are they?" " We burned them." " Oh, yes, of course." "Do you have the master copy?" "No, I don't, Chief." "But I put it in a place where no one will get it." "Where, Max?" "( theme music playing )"