"( theme music playing )" "you find me lying here like a derelict old bum and it might be that you think my appearance mystifying." "the reason is as follows:" "i fell off the back of a lorry." "or, more accurately, i was thrown off the back of a lorry by denise laroque, the head of the communist resistance, who is madly in love with me." "but for the intervention of my wife edith and my waitresses, she would have married me." "she has now sworn to have her revenge upon these interfering females by killing them." "i will have to break the news to them and warn them." "stop!" "i am acting on the orders of herr flick." "were the people who threw you out of that truck... the communist resistance?" "no, no, they were wholesale vegetable sellers." "we fell out over the price of spring greens-- at least i fell out." "mauve along." "you are causing an obstriction." "piddle your religious massages elsewhere." "the end of the world is nigh." "vengeance is mine." "and a little bit of what you fancy does you good." "i have the british earmen in a cill at the poloce station." "keep them there." "i cannot-- to detone them more than 24 hours is against the loo." "i will return them to you as soon as pissable." "yes, and i shall send them back to you as soon as pissable." "rene, you are back!" "thank heavens you are safe." "we saw you taken onto that truck, and i thought i would never see you again." "i have bad news." "the lives of those nearest and dearest to me are in danger." "do they know where i live?" "not you-- edith and the girls." "why are our lives in danger?" "because you all contrived to screw up my wedding to mademoiselle laroque." "she is not pleased." "she has vowed to kill you all, you first." "right, that is it." "the spanish border cannot be far away." "if i walk all day and crawl all night i should be there by christmas." "you will never get to the end of the street." "the communists have gun persons everywhere." "then i will disguise myself." "i think if there's to be any shooting, we should go." "may i say that i am most relieved that you no longer have to disguise yourself as a bent old man?" "i was just old." "then it is good that you are not in danger." "we are in danger." "yes, but there is much unemployment-- waitresses can be replaced;" "rene is one of a kind." "is this the best photograph that you could get?" "with respect, herr flick, i could hardly ask the communist resistance to pose." "all you have got is one communist hand." "von smallhausen, there are 50 million people in france-- most of the them have two hands." "that makes 100 million hands." "identifying this one hand will be quite a task." "it will indeed, herr flick." "go to it." "it would appear from your report rene is no longer in danger." "this is so, colonel, and we know now the real paintings are hidden in the headquarters of the communist resistance." "but where and how do we get them?" "general von klinkerhoffen." "hell hitler!" " hell hitler!" " hell hitler!" "a woman of the streets." "are you interrogating her or just having a rather amusing time?" "it is i, helga." "by golly, so it is." "on the orders of the colonel and in the guise of a woman of the streets, i have been following a peasant in the hopes of tracing the missing paintings." "and were you successful?" "as a woman of the streets, no." "but we have a lead to the whereabouts of the paintings." " where are they?" " they're still in france." "could you perhaps be a little more specific?" "not at the moment." "we're working on it." "good. sit." "i am sorry our dinner at the chateau was interrupted-- we must try again." "hold onto that outfit-- we can have a private fancy dress party." "what fun." "what would be the theme?" "tarts and vicars." "may i get changed now?" "yes, helga." "take your clothes." "where are you going?" "to my office to change." "the guards might see you." "change here." "very well, general." "don't worry, i will not look." "yes, general." "now then, colonel, i have important information for you." "i have had communications from berlin regarding the invasion." "yes, there is a rumor it has been temporarily suspendered-- suspended." "this is not true." "the generals will be meeting here at my chateau to evaluate the situation." "as local commander, you will, of course, be present." "it will be a great honor to be among the top bra...ss." "the major decisions are a) the date, and b) the plan... and invasion force of the right thighs" "size." "i see." "in my opinion, the first wave should contain at least four armored divisions of crack troops." "i agree." "the british won't be able to resist the panties" "panzers." " oh, rene!" " oh, yvette!" "rene, i am so frightened." "these communists-- they are ruthless." "do not worry, my little one." "but i am worried, my big one." "i hardly dare to pass a window." "i feed the chickens with a bucket over my head so they do not recognize me." "it is mainly edith they are after." "she is at the top of their hit list." "you are way down at #2." "hold me, rene." "this moment may be our last." "do you think we will be able to do this when we get to heaven?" "providing they have a larder, yes." "( pounding ) it is only michelle." "listen very carefully, i shall say this only once." "michelle, it is not always convenient to have you barging in on my private moments." "could you not make an appointment?" "the german generals will be meeting at the chateau to discuss the plans for the invasion of england." "the maps will be on the table." "somehow we must photograph them." "but why are you telling me all this?" "because you will be asked to do the catering." "how do you know?" "there are three other caterers in nouvion." "your estimate will be the lowest or else the others will be burned down for collaborating." "you really must try to find somebody else to do this dangerous work." "i am a mass of nerves." "i have a twitch-- look." "also, the moment i am under stress, i break out in little lumps." "this is true." "further details will be supplied nearer the time." "no, michelle, i-- she has gone." " oh, rene!" " yvette!" "ahhhhh!" "what do you mean, "ahhhh"?" "you have frightened this poor girl out of her life." "once again i find you being unfaithful to madame edith, the woman i love." "how dare you enter my private pantry." "it is a frenchman's prerogative to have a go at the servants." "where is madame edith?" "under threat of death from the communists, she has disappeared." "it is my dearest wish to protect her." "i shall throw my body in front of hers to receive the assassin's bullets." "but of course, having rheumatism and a dicky ticker, i shall have to do it slowly." " monsieur leclerc?" " yeah?" "if madame edith is not here, she will not be able to sing." "( happily laughs ) i will be taking her place." "here is her music." "now, what key does she sing in?" "i have never discovered." "play me a chord." "one, two, three, four... ♪ he'd have to get under get out and get under ♪" "♪ to fix his little machine ♪" "♪ a dozen times they'd start to hug and kiss ♪" "♪ and then the darned old engine it would miss ♪" "♪ and then he'd have to get under ♪" "♪ get out and get under to fix up his automobile. ♪" "( pounding ) edith:" "who is that singing my song?" "it is madame edith!" "now you are in trouble!" "it is safe to come down, my love." "there are no strangers here." "poor lady." "how frightened she must be." "the threat of assassination must weigh heavily upon her." "already it has aged her considerably." "monsieur alphonse, i did not know you were here." "i have disguised myself as my mother." "she is not on the hit list." "the transformation is remarkable." "it will take a few moments for me to adjust myself." "it is amazing!" "the moth has turned back into a very old caterpillar." "are these for me?" ""since last i held you in my arms, time has stood still."" "it has galloped on a bit now." " ( pounding ) - edith, edith!" "that is my mother." "will no one come to the assistance of an old lady standing here with no clothes on?" "coming, mamma!" "do not worry, madame edith, you stay out of sight." "tonight i will sing in your place." "no, i shall sing as usual, whatever fate throws at me." "it is usually bread rolls and bits of cheese." "the food here is absolutely dreadful." "it's a complete myth about french cooking being the best in the world." "we are in jail." "yes, and all you can taste is garlic." "if we caught one of the rats, we could probably barbecue it over a candle." "now you've put me off my soup." "i've been thinking, it's about time those americans came in." "they saved us in the last war." "if they don't hurry up, there won't be any war left." "if mummy and daddy knew i was in jail, they'd have a fit." "how will they know?" "it's not really in the tattler, is it?" "but if it ever comes out that i've got a prison record, it could stop me getting a decent job after the war." "what are you going to do?" "i'm going into the stock exchange." "oh, they won't mind." "madame edith." "dear beautiful, frail lady." "how ungallant i have been." "how thoughtless, how cruel." "i now humble myself before you because i wish you to know that i think you are the most beautiful woman in the world... and the most exciting." "i love you as you are now, at the moment." "and whatever ravages time may wreak on that beautiful countenance, i shall always want to hold you in my arms, to kiss you... and to love you." "am i forgiven?" "get into bed and do not tell my daughter." "( knocking on door ) enter!" "you sent for me?" "yes." "you may go." "you have been avoiding me lately." "i have been following your orders to stay close to lieutenant gruber and the colonel, to gather information regarding the plot to blow up hitler." " what have you discovered?" " nothing." "helga, i have prepared a very hot iron." "i've just remembered-- the generals are coming from berlin for a meeting at the chateau." "good." "while you are telling me about it... you may iron my shirt." "what a relief." "pay attention to the tail." "i hate wrinkly ones." "yes." "do you not have a servant to do this?" "i have advertised in the local paper" ""single gestapo gentlemen requires willing and obedient peasant for menial domestic tasks."" "have you had many replies?" "only one." "it came through the window on a brick." "never mind, herr flick." "i consider it an honor to be pressing the shirt that will shortly contain your wiry gestapo torso." "i thought you would." "now what is the purpose of this meeting of the generals?" "to discuss the invasion." "poppycock." "it is my opinion they are assembling to plan the blowing up of hitler." "find out the date and i will infiltrate this meeting, if necessary, in disguise." "you take such risks, herr flick." "i find your whole lifestyle exciting and stimulating to the nth degree." "you obviously wish to kiss me." "you may do so." "thank you, herr flick." "my tail is burning." "so is mine." "i am talking about my shirt." "quick, in here." "i have a business to run-- i am very busy." "rene, if i am to be assassinated, let me remember being held in your arms." "oh, very well." "mimi, your bosoms are like little rocks." "i have hand grenades in my pockets." "if the communists are to capture us," " we will all go together." " psst!" "oh my god, quick." "what is it now?" "the r.a.f. have delivered the bird that will carry the photograph of the plans back to england." "it will be delivered today." "well, for heaven's sake, label it." "my wife cooked the last pigeon for lunch." "it is not a pigeon." "the germans are shooting them down." "then what is it?" "it is a long distance duck." "now i have heard everything." "is this duck supposed to fly all the way to england?" "should it become exhausted, it will land on the english channel and have a sleep." "for this reason, the photographs will be in waterproof containers." "rene, that idiot officer who thinks he can speak french is in the bar." "i will talk to him." "it will make a nice change from that idiot who does speak french." "good moaning." "what do you want?" "the british earmen are comploning that there is too much gaelic in their soap." "garlic in their soup." "they wish you to send them a food pissel." "a what?" "a food parcel." "oh my god, what is this?" "ducks, ducks, who will buy my ducks?" "who will buy a duck from an old duck seller?" "come over here by the bar, old, badly disguised duck seller." "ducks, ducks." "who will buy my ducks?" "shut up." "shh!" "it is i, leclerc." "hey!" "what is your game?" "it is i, leclerc." "i have for you a special delivery." "this is to deliver the photographs." "( duck quacks loudly ) shh!" "shh!" "i have seen one of these before." "it is a long distance dikk." "look out-- here comes the colonel!" "quick, take this and put it in the henhouse, now." "ah, colonel, welcome." "and lieutenant gruber, welcome to my humble cafe." "come and sit down, rene." "always a pleasure, colonel." "yvette, wine for the colonel and the lieutenant, and helga." "what can i do for you, colonel?" "now, general von klinkerhoffen is blowing his top about the missing paintings." "we will have to give him some forgeries." "which we will tell him are the real paintings." "which he will ask gruber to vouch for him." "which i will do." "which he will ask gruber to copy." "which i will copy." "which gives us time to recover the originals from the headquarters of the communist resistance." "the whereabouts of which are known to you." "unfortunately, colonel, this is not true." "i was blindfolded and in a closed truck." "in which case, when they are recovered, you will not get your share." "you will be cut out of the deal." "you will have, after the war, nothing." "ah, well, fortunately, i was captured along with monsieur leclerc, the pianist who would, of course, know the way." "the colonel intends to mount a small, but carefully planned, operation." "he will use only a handful of carefully selected, ruthless men." "this is providing we can find them." "colonel, your old buddy alberto bertorelli is returned from rome." "see here, mussolini, he give me a beautiful medal." "we haven't seen you since the air raid." "we thought you were gone for good." "in rome, they give me the finest crack troops in all italy." "together, we take the boats and we invade the british." "i pick my men, each one with my own hand." "they are the ruthless men." "gruber, he has ruthless men." "when can we meet them?" "they wait for you to make the inspection." "come outside and say hello." "with pleasure." "i may have a job for them." "they will be cock-a-da-hoop." "( various chatter ) squad, make the attention!" "come on, come on, move, please." "no smoke the fag when you make the attention." "keep the mouth quiet." "stand up." "colonel, come over here." "meet my boys." "boys, this is colonel von strohm." "he is the big noise." "hi, colonel!" "how's it getting on?" "soldier:" "german army, fine outfit." "'allo baby, great legs!" "what you think, colonel?" "they great guys, no?" "they are an absolute shower." "shambles!" "hey, what do you mean, shambles?" "they convicts from the best prisons in all italy." "they are mean, they are tough." "( all chanting ) we are mean, we are tough." "we can never get enough." "then i have a job for these men." "tell them, gruber." "men, pay attention." "i am lieutenant gruber, that is my little tank." " nice." " nice tank." "pretty!" "thank you, settle down." "we have an assignment for you." "northeast of this town, is the headquarters of the communist resistance." "we have certain documents to recover from them." "they are armed to the teeth, and like you, they are ruthless fighters." "( muttering ) to you will go the honor of attacking and defeating them." "this a great honor." "what you think, boys?" "can we do it?" "no!" "i talk them round." "hey!" "men after my own heart." "( theme music playing )"