"When I say I don't remember that day, I'm not lying." "I wish I did, but I just don't." "Sometimes the most important stuff goes away." "Goes away so bad it's like it was never there to begin with." "It's funny, the stuff that sticks in your head." "It's funny, the stuff that sticks in your head." "I could tell you forward and backward about some day when I was 5 and my dad bought me a stupid ice-cream cone." "I could tell you the flavor of the ice cream." "It was pink bubble gum." "And even stuff about the girl who scooped it out." "Her hair was fire red." "All that stuff is there like it was happening right now, but I don't remember that day." "At least, not the stuff that they want me to." "I remember it was the first really hot day of spring." "I remember how the sun felt on the back of my neck." "That's about it." "Here's another one of those things that sticks." "This one is something a friend of mine said to me." ""You have to believe that life is more than the sum of its parts, kiddo. "" "I remember it right down to the "kiddo" part." "But when I think about what she said, the same thing always comes into my head." "What if you can't put the pieces together in the first place?" "Just hold on one sec." "Come in." " How are you, Beck?" " Good." "Yeah, you know." "I'm pretty good." "I'm good." "Daddy, how are you?" "Where's Ryan?" "I was telling her the same thing five minutes ago, Mrs. Pollard." "I swear, it's like she doesn't wanna listen to us." "I just don't think that I sounded as good as the other girls." "Well, I think it's a good experience for you." "You've never done one of the musicals." "Yeah, well, this is the first and the last." "I love your voice." "You'd say that if I sounded like a Harpy with throat cancer." " And that's bad?" " No." "Of course not." "Damn." "Julie Pollard, Tim Wallace from the drama department here at Iowa." "Just checking up on you, wondering if we can expect to see you in the fall." "Give me a call at the office." "I'll be in all day tomorrow." "Yeah, you should call him and let him know you settled on ASU." "You did send your confirmation in, didn't you?" "I think I still have a few days." "Oh, Mom, the shop called." "They say you can pick up your car tomorrow." " What's the damage?" " They didn't say on the machine." "Oh, that's a great sign." "Hello?" "Slow down, Harry." "I can't understand you." "What happened?" "No, I'll be right there." "Lee?" "Lee?" "Hi, Mommy." "Are you all right?" "I think I made a mistake." " Yeah." " You watching the news, chief?" "Yeah." "You know I gotta stay on top of the topical shit." "TV boys say the suspect's 16." "Ten bucks says the SFK winds up in your class tomorrow." "Why would he be Special Handling?" "You can get by with a lot of shit in this world, but you can't stab a retarded kid and not be Special Handling." " SFK, chief." " Sick fucking kid." "Sorry, ma'am." "Visiting days are every second Sunday of the month." " From noon to 4." " He didn't do this, OK?" "He didn't do this horrible thing they're saying he did." " There's nothing I can do, all right?" " Please." " Please." "One minute." "One minute." " No." "There's nothing I can do." "I need you to turn around." "...apprehended the alleged suspect at an area hospital earlier this evening." "Leland!" "Leland Fitzgerald." "Did you do it?" "Do you have anything to say?" "We'll be right back." "The Jiffy Lube Signature Service Oil Change every 3000..." " Briefcase?" " Briefcase." "Hi." "Good morning." "I was wondering if I could borrow a stamp." "Let me see." "I'm..." "I'm kind of new here, so I'm not really sure where they keep stuff." "Well, I blanked on a phone bill." "I'm gonna be in debtor's prison if I don't get it in the mail." "Yes, the bills." "I understand." "Here we are." "Thanks." "By the way, I'm Pearl." " Good morning." " Hey." "What did I tell you, chief?" "The newest addition to S.H. and your very own pop sheet," "Mr. Leland P. Fitzgerald, killer of retarded kids." "Kid." "Ben, retarded kid." "Singular." " You'll never guess who his daddy is." " I'll put 50 bucks on Satan." " Albert Fitzgerald." " No shit." "Hey, I was close." " What's wrong with Fitzgerald?" " Let me see." " He's a drunk, a misogynist..." " This cat can write." " He's despicable." " Despicable?" "He's a bastard." "So what?" "You don't judge a writer by his life." "You judge him by his work." "There's a different moral standard going on here." "Excuse me, ma'am?" " Could I look at your paper?" " Oh, yeah, certainly." "Business or Life?" "No, I'll wait for the front page." "Thank you." "Excuse me." "I'm sorry if I'm bothering you, but aren't you an actor?" "Aren't we all, dear." "No, no." "I mean a famous actor." "I know your face." "I was in Stanley Kubrick's musical, the one about the alcoholic pirates." "I played Captain Morgan." "Whenever you're done with the front page, dear." "How about hooking us up with a table right by the kitchen, dog?" "What you in for, dog?" "I'm not asking because I'm gonna kick your ass if you did some fucked-up shit, because I already know you did some fucked-up shit." "Hey, a guy like me, you know he's in S.H." "because he ratted out some bitch from State Street." "Now half the pop wants to stick a fucking pencil to his eye." "Yeah, but white boys ain't about that gang shit, though, huh?" "Especially not white boys like you, dog, who don't look like no Slim Shady." "White boys like you the ones who did some fucked-up shit, huh?" "Have a good class." "That's cool, dog." "Good morning." "OK, everybody." "Take your seats, please." "Let's forgive Mr. Madison today." "He's moving kind of slow." "Head's beating like it's the end of the world." "Man, you been drinking that cheap-ass burgundy again, ain't you?" "Hey, 3 bucks, two liters." "Couldn't pass it up." "You, sir, are new to my class." " What's your name?" " Fitzgerald." "Leland P. Fitzgerald." "Well, Mr. Leland P. Fitzgerald, my name is Pearl Madison." "And I'm gonna be your history teacher, your science teacher, your math teacher, your "anything else" teacher all rolled into one for however many days, weeks or months you're gonna be here with us." "Hey, Pearly." "When you gonna bring that dancer of yours up here, dog?" "As soon as the lovely Miranda returns from L.A.," "I'm sure she would be delighted to meet you hoodlums." "Liar." "Hey, Mrs. Pollard." " You've been up all night?" " Yes, I suppose I have." "You need a light there?" "Well, I don't feel so bad." "I thought you quit too." "How could he mean that much to someone?" "How could he mean enough for that boy to hurt him?" "He was barely there." "Mrs. Pollard, I really don't know what to say." "But I just want you to know that if there's anything that I can do," " just tell me." " It's all right, sweetheart." "And as you look out over Venice today, you see the city..." " G-money." " In Venice, there's no streets, right?" "There just rivers and shit." "Canals and shit, yeah." "They don't even allow cars on the island." "You can hear footsteps." " What's that?" " Since they don't allow cars, when you're walking around, about all you can hear is footsteps." "Hey." "Pearly, help me out here, bro." "I'm developing this theory, right?" "That the suicide rate in Venice is real low, because if you jump off a building, all your ass is gonna do is splash in a canal and shit, right?" "OK, well, why don't we expand on that theory tomorrow." "Class dismissed, you guys." "Go ahead and bring your books up to the front." "Hey, where were you, B?" "I was kind of wondering..." "Maybe I could keep this and do some writing in my room?" "Unfortunately, I can't allow you to take anything out of the class." "But I'll keep it up here safe for you." "Hey." "I'm jealous." "When did you go to Italy?" "My dad lives in Paris, so sometimes we travel together." "I guess I'll see you tomorrow." "You're the one who killed that retarded kid, huh?" "Was it some kind of devil-worship thing?" "What you do to your hand?" "I stabbed myself." "You know, if you're going for suicide, I'd say try the stomach or something." "Just wanted to know what it felt like." "I bet it hurt." "Should've just asked me, Devil Boy." "I would've saved you some trouble." "You just can't wait to teach, huh, dog?" "Journal goes down the front of your pants, pencil goes in your sock." "Thanks." "Hey, man, I'm just glad to see somebody's writing." "Pearl?" "Can I ask you a question?" " About your name?" " You're wondering why Pearl?" " You like basketball?" " Sure." "Well, in the '70s there was this guy who played for the Knicks." "His name was Earl Monroe and his nickname was "The Pearl"." " Earl the Pearl?" " Earl the Pearl." "Right." "Well, my parents were in Queens then." "My mom was a dancer." "She hated sports." "But somehow my dad talked her into going to check out a game at The Garden." "It just turns out it's Earl the Pearl's night." "Cat went off." "Dropped 33 points on the Celtics." "And after the game, all my mom could do was talk about how watching him play was like watching a dance recital, you know?" "Because he moved like poetry." "Hey, hey, hey." "Break it up." "You need to back away, bitch!" "Anyway, when I was a kid, that was pretty much all the story I got." "But a couple Christmases ago, I'm knocking a few back with my dad and he embellishes." "He said after the game, they went back to Queens." "Well, thankfully my dad spared me the details here." "But the condom broke and nine months later..." " Here comes Pearl." " Here comes Pearl." "Trust me." "The sock." "I know what they want from me." "They want a reason." "Something to tie up with a little bow and bury in the backyard." "Bury it down so deep it's like it never happened." "They want me to say how I'm so sorry and it was my mom's fault." "Or maybe it was my dad's fault." "Or it happened because of TV or movies or some junk like that." "Or maybe I blame some girl." "Not even when you were a real little kid?" "You never thought about whether there was angels or not?" "Maybe when I was a little kid." "My grandmother died when I was real little." "And after that, every time I stole candy or fought with my mom or played with myself or something," "I'd get this real bad feeling." "I'd picture her from up high with this big frown on her face, looking down on me." "I don't think that they frown on us." "I think that they look after us." "You know, like guardian angels." "Take care of us and make sure..." "Make sure nothing bad happens." "Make sure everything's OK." "Then, well, how come everything's not OK most of the time?" "I don't know." "Maybe they're lazy?" "What?" "No, it's just kind of funny, lazy angels." "It makes me think of these big, fat guys with wings just drinking beer and playing darts." "I want you to be my guardian angel, Lee." "I want you to float over me." "Make sure that everything's gonna be OK." "Your hair smells like strawberries." "It's my shampoo, dodo." "It's not my hair." " Well, I still like it." " Look, I'm..." "I'm serious, OK?" "I want you to say that you're always gonna be there." "I don't know." "Sometimes I'm somewhere else." "Just tell me that everything's gonna be OK." "Well, I can't really make sure everything's OK." "I know, but sometimes you say things that aren't totally true, but you say them anyways because you want it to be true, you know?" "Maybe..." "Maybe that's good enough." "Just..." "Just tell me everything's gonna be OK." "Why don't you whisper it in my ear, soft." "Everything's gonna be OK." "Yeah, well..." "If they extend the run, you gotta stay, right?" "No, of course you gotta stay." "I recognize that." "I'm not thrilled about it, but, you know, I recognize it." "It's water, Miranda." "No, it is." "It's water." "Listen." "Sweet H2O." "Yeah." "No, it's fine." "The writing's going fine." "The truth?" "OK." "The truth is, whenever I sit down to write," "I think I'm coming out of the gate with something fresh and it just, you know, winds up being a different spin on Boneyard." "Yeah, I've basically been rewriting the same story for three years and I still can't get the damned thing published." "Thanks, honey." "No, I appreciate it." "But, you know, you're not really a writer unless people are reading your shit." "So, Miranda, look." "I'm excited for you, really." "I am." "I'm fired up about all this." "I love that it's going so well for you, you know." "This might just be that big break you've been looking for and when that comes along, you know, you gotta tear into that shit." "You gotta tear into it like a rabid dog." "I recognize that." "It'd just be a lot easier if you were here." "...Fitzgerald's arrest." "Right now any connection between the two teens is unclear." "We'll have more news right after this." "Nobody enjoys shopping for auto insurance." "But try doing it when you got three speeding tickets in the last month." "Or an accident..." "I recall when our lives were unusual and electric." "When we burned with something close to fire." "But now we sway to a different rhythm." "Lives lived without meaning or even directed hope." "The passage of time measured only by loss." "Loss of a job, loss of a minivan a son." "Hi, Beth." "Are you OK?" "What?" " I'm sorry, what did you say?" " I asked if you were OK." "Yeah." "Am I OK about that guy, right?" "Kind of seemed like he was bothering you." "It's OK." "It happens all the time." "I think it's the uniform." "We have to wear it at this school that I go to and it's supposed to be really plain, you know." "The whole point of wearing it is so you don't really stand out, but I think all it really does is turn on horny old guys." "Is it a Catholic school?" "No, it's pretty much the opposite." "It's for people who messed up." "Messed up in what way?" "All kinds of ways, different ways." "Well, in what way did you mess up?" "Look, did you really come over here to ask me about my screwed-up life?" "No." "No, I came over here because I thought that guy was bothering you." "And because I think you're really pretty." "People don't really say "pretty" anymore." "They say stuff..." "You know, girls, or whatever, they say stuff is beautiful or cute but I like pretty." "I like the way it sounds." "It's a..." "It's a cool word." "Thanks for calling me pretty." "I'm Leland." "Leland P. Fitzgerald." "Becky." "Becky Pollard." "I don't blame Becky." "I guess I'm supposed to be upset about what happened with her." "I'm supposed to cry and all that junk." "But I'm pretty sure I've cried all the tears I had out of me by now." "The last time I cried was Grandma's funeral." "Here's another one of those things that sticks." "I remember this other kid, some cousin of mine or something, sitting there real polite with his hands folded up in his lap." "I figured that was the way you were supposed to be and I didn't want that kid to see me crying." "But the tears came anyway." "And that's when I figured out that tears couldn't make someone who was dead alive again." "There's another thing to learn about tears." "They can't make somebody who doesn't love you anymore love you again." " Hello?" " It's me." "It's Beck." "It's the same thing with prayers." "I wonder how much of their lives people waste crying and praying to God." "If you ask me, the devil makes more sense than God does." "I can at least see why people would want him around." "It's good to have somebody to blame for the bad stuff they do." " What's wrong?" " Nothing." "It's..." "It's just that this is going kind of fast." "And I'm not saying that's bad or anything..." "This just isn't normally how I operate." "Particularly not with somebody from work." "Well, how long does it normally take you to seduce one of your coworkers?" " I didn't seduce you." " No?" " No." " Come on." "You're beautiful." "You're beyond that." "You have no idea how beautiful you are." "You're deadly." "You're deadly." "I'm powerless before you." " So are you hanging out for a while...?" " I'm staying." "Cool." "That's cool, you know." "That makes me happy." "Because I kind of wanted to kiss you." "I wanna kiss you real bad, to say it right." "So can I kiss you?" "I missed you." "I always miss you." "So you're a writer." "You're not really a writer unless people are reading your shit." "I'm an aspiring writer." "What do you write about?" "Did you hear about that kid?" "The one who stabbed that retarded kid?" "Yeah." "I'm gonna write about him." "I'm gonna write a book about Leland P. Fitzgerald." "Maybe God's there because people get scared of all the bad stuff they do." "They figure that God and the devil are always playing this tug-of-war game with them." "And they never know which side they're gonna wind up on." "You met my sister." "You know, you're a real goofball sometimes." "Hey, speaking of goofballs, this is my little brother, Ryan." "Sing a song." " Bye-bye, Ryan." "See you tomorrow." " Thanks." " It's nice to meet you." " Sing a song." "It's about all he says, but watch:" "The itsy-bitsy spider Went up the..." "No, no, no." "As soon as you start singing, he gets all mad at you." "You don't really know what you want, do you, goofy?" "I guess that tug-of-war idea explains how sometimes, even when people try to do something good, it still turns out bad." "Don't use that "young lives" B.S. on me, Madison." "Why does this minor deserve special consideration?" "Look, I recognize your wanting to preserve the whole" ""treat everybody equal" thing." "But this kid is different." "You can't deny that." "I mean, we've never seen a case like this before." "Nobody has." "The answer is, and will remain in perpetuity, no." "I will not have you meeting with any minor outside the classroom." "Am I clear?" "Very clear." "So your lawyer, Charlie..." "It's Charlie, right?" "So he explained how all this works." "You don't have to enter a plea." " You don't have to say a word here." " No, I'm not gonna enter a plea." "Good." "I'm just gonna tell them that I did it." "Well, if you do that, then you're gonna get shuttled out of here in a heartbeat." "And I don't wanna lose you yet, man." "I wanna get a chance to know what the U.S. of L. is all about." "I thought you said your girlfriend was in Los Angeles." " She is." " Well, how do you explain the smell?" " What smell?" " The smell of a girl." "Will you at least think about what I said?" "Yeah, I think about a lot of things." "Hey." "Hi, Mr. Pollard." "I'm Leland, Becky's friend." "What happened?" "Well, he rode his bike through some branches." "I told him to cut it out, but he just kept going." "Hey." "Here, buddy, let me just have a look..." "If we don't leave in the next ten minutes..." "Hi." "Where's Becky?" " What did he do?" " It's nothing." "It's just a torn sleeve." " Sing a song." " I'll get him changed." "Come on." "I don't think he was trying to screw up anything." "It just kind of seemed like something he had to do." "Well, thanks for making sure he got home." "Oh, well, we've been walking home together for a while now, so..." "Did you speak to Becky today?" "Did she mention anything about something coming up?" "Guess she just didn't wanna see me today." "But it's really no big deal for me to take Ryan home." "Kind of get a bang out of him." "Do you need a ride home?" "Allen's about ready" " to head out for baseball practice." " Well, thanks, Mr. Pollard." "Are you going to work?" "No." "Oh, I mean just for a minute." "Couple things." "Why did you do it?" " Why did you do it?" " I got him." "Hold him at the stairs." "Check the door." "Stop here." "Is that all, counsel?" "Yes, Your Honor." "The minor's lack of a criminal record and the exemplary school performance are irrelevant matters here due to the severity of the charges." "And I am denying your request that the minor be remanded into the custody of his mother." "Is there something you'd like to add, young man?" "No, Your Honor." " So do you live with the Pollards?" " Yeah, I know what you're thinking." " It's a little strange." " No." " You don't think it's strange?" " It's just not what I was thinking." "I think it's kind of strange sometimes." "My mom died last summer." "A car accident." "And my dad's a lot closer with Tanya." "That's my older sister." "He's a lot closer with her than me." "So it really wasn't a big deal for him when I moved." "I turn on Goldencrest, right?" "Oh, you can just drop me off at school." "Oh, I'm not going that way or anything." "It's really no big deal to take you home." "Mr. Pollard said you had baseball practice or something." "No." " I quit last week." " Why did you quit?" "I was playing terrible." "I couldn't get my head in the game." "You know, it's been a rough year with my mom and all, so..." "But Julie and I are going to ASU next year." "Maybe I'll walk-on there." "You know, things will be a lot more settled then." " Briefcase?" " Briefcase." "Hey, thanks." "I appreciate it." "I'm the one going home with playoff tickets." "Game three, down 0-2 to the Spurs?" "That ain't much, man." "You know the Suns never get out of the first round." "I don't know, man." "If Marbury hit his shots, we play up-tempo," " damn fine ball club." " Your lips." " I see this kid got to you too, huh?" " What do you mean?" "I don't know, man." "It's always hard for me to picture these pimply little mama's boys doing what you know they did, right?" "But this one even more so than the others." "I can't see this kid hurting a fly." " He's definitely fascinating." " Yeah, well, you're the writer." " You give it a word." " That's precisely what I plan to do." " You ever read Frost?" " I know what you want from me." "Yeah?" "I just want you to have somebody to talk to." "It's the same thing they want from a trial." "What's that?" "You want a "why"." "But maybe there isn't one." "Maybe..." "Maybe this is just something that happened." "Excuse me." " Isn't the game on?" " What game?" "Could you please just change the channel?" "Yeah." "It's depressing me too." "I like that title." "It's not supposed to mean I'm the president or anything." "Mostly, it's just a joke." "Well, what do you write about?" "I guess how I see the world." " How do you see the world, Pearl?" " Full of possibilities." "I think that, you know, good things abound, positive things." "What about you?" "I think there's two ways to see it." "And one's like what you said, where life's OK." "And maybe stuff's wrong, but you just..." "You don't see it." "What's the other way?" "When you see what's really there." "He didn't give you any idea what that might have meant?" "He didn't say much." "When I got home, all he said was that he'd made a mistake." "I saw his hand and I drove him to the hospital." "He didn't make a sound on the drive." "It's always there." "Even when stuff looks good and kids are playing, couples are kissing and junk." "It's in all of that stuff." "But mostly people just look right through it." "Well, what's the "it"?" "I mean, what don't they see?" "Just how everything's always slipping away." "How everyone's always kind of dying inside." "Just how sad everybody really is." "And seeing things this way makes you feel sad?" "It doesn't make me feel much of anything." "Did you notice anything different about him?" "Today?" "When he visited." "Nothing unusual." "Ever since he got back this time, from the moment I picked him up at the airport something wasn't right with him." "I figured maybe the two of you had had a fight." "No." "Perhaps he was just upset about that girl." "Sometimes things don't work out between people and it's nobody's fault." " That's a very mature approach." " I don't know." "Well, you tell me." " How's your girl?" " Oh, Miranda's great." "I meant the other girl." "That's just something that happened." "Would it hurt Miranda if she found out about this "something that happened"?" "Yeah." "So why did you do it?" "She's not gonna find out." " Does that make it OK?" " OK?" "Look, Miranda's been gone for a long time now, OK?" "I'm not even really sure where we stand." "And I'm only human, man." "It's funny how people only say that after they do something bad." "I mean, you never hear someone say "I'm only human"" "after they rescue a kid from a burning building." " Thanks for the ride." " You bet." "Hey, Leland?" "There's something I wanted to tell you about Becky." "You know the reason she's in that probation school, right?" "Well, she told me she messed up." "You didn't ask how?" "I figured she'd tell me if it was important." "It was drug stuff." "Listen, I don't wanna tell you anything you don't wanna hear." "No, you can tell me." "You can tell me." "She kind of fell in with this guy." "This older guy, Kevin." "I don't know, he's, like, 20..." "He's a drug dealer." "She ran away with him for a while last year and it got really, really messy." "Mrs. Pollard had to go pull her out of there." "But..." "What?" "Kevin got out of jail today." "Mrs. Pollard." "The receipt will take a minute," " so I'll go ahead and bring her around." " Thank you." " What's the damage?" " Oh, I didn't even look." "I just signed." " What's today, the date today?" " It's the 24th." "Julie is running right up against the ASU deadline." " You sent yours in already, didn't you?" " Yeah." "Yeah, I don't know." "Maybe..." "Maybe she's still not sure, you know?" "And..." "I don't know." "Maybe she just wants to make sure it's the best place for her." "I saw you the other night, the way you were holding her." "The way you look at her even when she's asleep." "Take care of Julie for me." "I can't lose her too." "She's all I have left." "Look at that sunshine." "I don't even remember what it feels like." "What did you do to get in here?" "Wrong place, wrong time." "That's against the law?" "If you're a 17-year-old black dude with an old-school Dr. J 'fro, it is." "See you in class, Devil Boy." "Long live Satan." "Hey, pick up." "Pearly." "Come on, I know you're sitting there with a bottle of wine, watching basketball." "I can see you." "OK, fine." "I miss you and I wanna see you again already." "And I was thinking, you know, since I'm stuck here, maybe you could come up and visit." "I know it wasn't part of the plan, but..." "All right, could you check on the name Martin Angle?" "OK, one second." "Could you check David Stith?" "S-T-I-T-H." "I'm sorry, there's just one more." "Edgar Pinkerton?" "You do?" "OK, could you tell me the room number that Mr..." "No." "OK, that's fine." "That's fine." "Is there a bar in the hotel?" "Hi." "Excuse me." "Yeah, they won't let me get a pitcher if I'm alone, so I was wondering if I could officially declare that I'm drinking with you." "Fiction or non?" "Fiction." "Yeah, you can sit down if you want, but you should've checked at the bar first." "They don't have anything on tap here." " Drink?" " Please, thank you." "I'm sorry to be intruding like this." "It's just, you know, I'm a big fan." " I've read everything you've written." " Evidently, Edgar Falling included." "And now that you've read my work, you know I'm not a fag, so I don't wanna fuck you and you've probably heard that I'm an asshole, so I'm not going to read your passionate," "semi-autobiographical first novel and pass it on to my agent." "I work at the juvenile hall where Leland's being detained." " How's he holding up?" " He's fine." "Well, you know, he's in Special Handling, so he's isolated now." "Can you get me in to see him?" "I don't have that kind of juice." "I'm just a teacher there." "Visiting day is next Sunday, if you want to..." "You don't think I'm aware of that." "Did he do it?" "I'm not really allowed to talk about that outside the facility." "Perhaps he told you something." "Yeah." "Yeah, he says he did it." "But I don't know why." "I don't think he knows why either." "You know your son." "He's very detached." "Most of the time he seems completely disinterested in his own fate." "Uninterested in his own fate." "Look, if you think I'm gonna be able to provide some insight into Leland, you're wrong." "There are no private spaces in my son's heart reserved for me." "There never have been." "You moved to Paris..." "America is Too Loud." "That was what, '94, '95?" "So Leland was..." "Chronologies have never been my strong suit." "Well, was he angry with you for leaving, for moving away?" "I'm not really that adept at gauging people's emotional reactions to events." "I disagree." "I've read your books." "So have I. They haven't helped." "Well, he still visits you out there, right?" "He said he gets out there a couple times a year, so..." "What are your visits like?" "Chapter two, right?" "I'm sorry?" "Fiction." "You're not here out of some selfless devotion to my son or your admiration for my work." "You're here because you smell a good book and I'm chapter two." "I wanna write about your son, but I don't want to exploit him." "There's no distinction." "Good luck with your novel." "Maybe I'll pick it up in the supermarket checkout line one of these days." "Well, the truth is, I haven't actually seen my dad since I was 6." "Well, the truth is, I haven't actually seen my dad since I was 6." "I don't understand." "I thought you traveled with him." "Well..." "Well, he sent me plane tickets, one in the spring and one in the winter," " every year since I was 12." " But you never went to Paris?" "Well, I never really talked to my dad after he left." "Sometimes he'd send me money for my birthday, junk like that." "One year, he just decided he wanted me to come visit him for Christmas." "But I had to fly to New York first, then catch a plane to Paris." "Once I got there, though, I just kind of decided to stay in New York." "I told my dad about how there's this sort of electricity in the air there and how I wanted to stay." "He was OK with it." "He even said something like I was a real neat kid for doing it." "Well, once I got there, I couldn't find a hotel." "No one would give me a room." "They were all so worried to give a kid a room, but it didn't seem to bother them to send that same kid onto the street with no place to go." "So I decided to hide out for a while and I found this movie theater." "And after the first movie, this family came and sat down next to me." "And the dad," "I guess he noticed the two big duffle bags that I had next to me." "He made some corny joke about whether I was staying for a while." "I told him how I came to be in New York and that got the mom's attention." "Her name is Angela." "But I called her Mrs. Calderon then." "She was worried about me." "She said I could come stay with them for the holidays if I wanted." "I said it sounded pretty good." "You could tell their place cost a fortune." "Well, their daughter she was kind of snobby but OK." "She just kept trying to kiss me and I wasn't into it then." "They were all really nice to me, but particularly Mrs. Calderon." "I just loved looking into her eyes." "It was like they reflected the electricity of the whole city." "I didn't feel lonely at all when I was around her." "She kind of made me feel like everything was OK." "Or like stuff was wrong, but you couldn't see it." "When my dad sent me another ticket that spring I kind of figured maybe I'd just go back to New York instead." "But this ticket was for Italy." "My dad said I should fly to a new place each time and see the world that way." " It could be our little secret." " Where'd you go the last time?" "Well, my dad said I should see New York in the spring." "Did you see the Calderons?" "Did something happen?" "Well, it's a big city." "Something's always happening in New York." " What the fuck, dude?" " Where is she?" "Where is who, and who are you?" "Allen." " All right, come on, let's go." " Where are we going?" "Go where?" "Here, get dressed." "I'm gonna take you home." "Come on." "Look, man." "Hey, listen, OK." "I'm not gonna beat you, but this isn't fucking right." "This is my place." "I don't know who the fuck you are and I just wanna know who the fuck you are, OK?" "Stop it!" "Stop!" "Do you have any idea what you're doing to her family?" "Do you care?" " Stop it!" " Do you even fucking care?" " Stop kicking him." "Stop!" " You're destroying her family!" "Stop!" "You fucking junkie." "Stupid junkie fuck." "I don't think I know what the definition of love is." "Well, you know in your heart if you love somebody." "But it's not in your heart." "It's..." "Love's on your tongue." "It's a word, that's all." "OK, did you tell Becky you loved her?" "She said she loved you?" "But she still broke up with you, right?" "I'm not angry with her." "I was never angry with her." "Well, it's OK to be angry." "I mean, you're practically entitled to it." "Why?" "You're only human." "I mean, you are human, aren't you?" "Well, if you say so, Pearl." "Thank you for what you did today." "I think we should talk." "I know that this doesn't seem like the best time, but..." "Julie, I found that letter." "I found the letter to Iowa." "And if you change your mind, I understand." "But why didn't you tell me or ask me or something?" "I don't..." "But it's OK." "It's OK, because I could go out there with you and I'll apply to school there next semester." "This isn't about where I go to school, it's about us." "OK." "Well, you know what I think, so if you have something to say, you should say it, because I don't have anything." "Maybe we shouldn't plan like we're gonna move off together." "Does that mean...?" "What, does that mean we're not going to or...?" "Fuck it." "I love you, Allen, but..." " But?" " But we've been together for a really long time, really close." "Like we're married since you moved in and everything's so set..." "Sorry to interrupt, but I wanted us all to talk about tomorrow." "OK, we'll be right there." "I don't know, it just doesn't really feel right to me anymore." "And maybe it was just too much too soon, you know, or that we both changed." "No, I haven't changed." " Julie, I haven't changed." " Then I've changed and what I want has changed." "And I don't want you to go with me to Iowa." "I'm really sorry." "No, wait, Julie." "Hey, Julie..." "Julie." "OK, here's a definition." "Love is when you can't get somebody out of your mind, when they're your first thought in the morning and your last thought at night." "Maybe it's not in your heart, but it is in your head." "OK." "So... do you think about Becky?" "All the time." "You don't have anything to worry about, I promise." "Well, if you have to wake me up in the middle of the night to tell me that I don't have anything to worry about, it kind of makes it seem like I do have something to worry about." "I just wanted to see a familiar face." "You know, I just wanted someone to talk to..." "You couldn't talk till 2:00 in the morning?" "Look, I'm really sorry, OK?" "I didn't show up today." "It just sort of came up, you know." "I didn't..." "Look, you're my guardian angel, right?" "I can count on you." " Do you love this guy?" " No." "You don't have to be afraid to tell me the truth." "I don't know." "You don't know?" "No." "I..." "Look, I'm sorry, OK?" "I just..." "I'm confused and I don't..." "I don't really mean to..." "Maybe we shouldn't talk." "We should talk tomorrow, you know?" "Just..." "I really wanted to see you." "Because you're so good to me and..." "But that's not enough." "You know it's not like that." "Please." "I need you, OK?" "I need you really badly." "You don't have anything to worry about, OK?" "Just trust me." "I'm sorry, honey." "Is everything OK?" "Shit." "Shit." "Hello?" "I didn't hear the phone ring." "Oh, yeah." "No, he's in the shower, can I tell...?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Calm down." "If you calm down, I can explain it, but I can't explain it if..." "Miran..." "No, I'm not gonna lie to you." "I'm not gonna lie to you." "I wanna talk." "But I wanna talk like, you know, two normal, rational..." "You know, look." "You've been gone for three fucking months, OK?" "Miran..." "If you just let me fucking explain." " Did you fuck her?" " Come on, Leland." "Come on." " I just wanna know if you fucked her." " That's not relevant to what we're doing here." " Well, what are we doing here?" " We're talking." " Mostly I'm talking." " I'm trying to help you." "Maybe I'm trying to help you." "I'm not the one who did something wrong to get here, Leland." "Just because what I did is wrong doesn't make what you're doing right." "No, I never said "right"." "I never made that distinction." "Right." "Right." "You only said you were human." " That explains it." " OK, I'm a bastard." "Does that do it?" "I did it because I'm a bastard, OK?" "And you wanted to." "I mean, you wanted to fuck that other girl." "Yeah, I wanted to." "I wanted to." "You know, I don't see what's wrong with me asking you that." "Just talking, right?" "We went to my place." "And there was a message on the machine from Miranda." "There was just this earthquake in L.A." "and she woke up scared, just terrified." "And instead of calling her back, instead of calling my girlfriend back I fucked some other chick." "And I know it was wrong but I did it anyway." "You know what the funny thing about earthquakes is?" "After an earthquake, you see people pulling other people out of broken-down buildings and people hugging and junk because they saw a little girl's shoe in the middle of the road and no little girl around." "Then, a couple days later, they forget all about it." "Well, it still shows you that there's goodness in people." "During earthquakes, at least." "People make mistakes." "People are fallible." "We are fallible, Leland." "Even with the best intentions, most people don't have the inner strength it takes to do good all the time." "I guess." "Look, what happened with Becky?" "I don't blame Becky." "I mean, you think that's why, but it isn't." "Well, it's not about why." "This..." "Look, I just hurt somebody." "OK?" "I feel terrible." "I fucked up." "I'd feel better knowing that I'm sitting with somebody who fucks up once in a while too." "Well, you know what happened." "She broke up with me for that other guy." "I don't wanna hurt you, OK?" "So don't." "Sometimes things don't work out between people and it's nobody's fault." "That's bullshit." "It's bullshit." "It's her fault." "She lied to you." " I don't see it that way." " But at some point you did." "And I'm sorry, I get confused." "You know, I..." "I mean, I'm not like you." "You say that it's hurting you, but it doesn't really seem like it matters" " one way or the other." " It matters." " At some point, you got angry." " Prove it." " Prove...?" " Show it to me." " How do I show it?" " And you said things and you did things that it didn't make any sense to say and do." "Didn't change anything, but you did them anyway." "Yell at you?" "Should I scream at you?" "Hit you?" "Is that how I show you it matters?" "If I hit you, it matters?" "No." "Leland..." "I love you." "What else can I say?" "Nothing I say is gonna change anything, because you love somebody else." "I didn't like being the kind of person that did that." "What kind of person?" "Like everybody else?" "I didn't like the way it felt." "But you liked how it felt when you were in love with her, right?" "It's all part of the tradeoff, man." "I mean, love's only such a great thing because you know what it feels like to get your heart broken." "What it feels like to be alone." "There's something I said before, something that was kind of a lie." "About what?" "Just about how it doesn't make me feel much of anything." "Mostly I keep it out, but..." "When you can't?" "I don't know." "It covers my eyes." "It's just all I can see." "Say there's some kids playing baseball." "All I see is the one kid they won't let play because he tells corny jokes." "And no one thinks they're funny." "Or I see a boy and a girl in love and kissing, you know." "I just see that they're gonna be one of those sad old couples one day, who just cheats on each other and can't even look each other in the eye." "And I feel it." "I feel all of their sadness." "I feel it probably even worse than that sad old couple or that corny kid will ever feel it." "Do you feel like that now?" "Well, mostly I keep it out." "Did you feel like that after you fought with Becky?" "I don't know, maybe." "After you got back from New York?" "It doesn't matter." "You know, because telling you about it and getting you all sad and junk well, it never changes anything." "Because nothing can make what happened unhappen." "Excuse me, Mr. Pollard?" " Sir?" " No, please, this isn't the time." "We were hoping that you might just..." "I'm asking you as a favor, please." " Sir, I respect your situation." " Well, thank you for that." " But we were hoping that you might..." " Hoping I might what?" "Hoping I might what?" "We're in grief here." " We're grieving." "How is that a story?" " Harry." " How is my daughter crying a story?" " Sir..." "Sir..." "We didn't do anything wrong, all right?" "We just..." "We lost a child and we want to be left alone." "How difficult is that to understand?" "I apologize." "You want a fucking story, you go talk to that kid's parents." "Harass them." "Ask them how they raised a monster." "They're the ones who did something wrong, not us." "I'm sorry." "I want it to be over." "I know, I know." "But it's never gonna be over for us." "It's never gonna be over for us." "You ever think the whole thing doesn't make sense?" "I mean, they take all this stuff away from you, freedom, girls and sunshine, because it's supposed to make it so when you get back on the outs you never wanna screw up again." "All that really does is get you to thinking that you're just so small." "You know?" "Like you're this small thing that doesn't matter for anything." "And by the time you do get out you don't even feel like a human person anymore." "Damn, Devil Boy." "They can't even make a lay-up out there." "It's important to me that she knows that I didn't know." "Promise me you'll tell her I didn't know." "I promise." "When you get a moment, Elden wants to see you." "Look." "I know I'm the bastard here, OK?" "That's as close to an apology as I'm gonna get, isn't it?" "Oh, excuse me." "Hey, that 2002 finally give up the ghost on you?" "Empty it out." "Empty out the cash register." " Empty it the fuck out, come on!" " All right, OK." "Don't, OK?" "It takes a minute, OK?" "It's computer stuff, not me." "Hold on." "Hey, hey." "Don't move, OK?" " Cool, man, cool." "I ain't moving." " OK." "Just don't move." " I don't have a bag." " Hand it to me." "Give it to me, come on." "Thank you." "What the fuck was that?" "This is bullshit, Elden." "This is just red-tape bullshit and you know it." "No, Madison, this is about you running your own program." "You asked me about this kid, I told you no." "Then you, in effect, say:" ""Fuck you, I do whatever I want." "Elden Gilmore be damned."" "Look, this is about a kid" " who was so screwed up..." " No, this is about a book." "And you wanna talk about red-tape bullshit?" "Let's talk about how fast I could have you fired for turning your classroom over to non-certified personnel while you went off to play your 20/20 bit with this kid." " Man, I am pulling you from S.H." " Wait a minute..." "No, after lunch, report to A wing." "You're taking over Bellsey's class." "Hey, Pearl, I was wondering if you could do us a favor." "I'm not really in a position where I can be doing any favors right now." "Because I was just wondering if we could get some time on the field." "Play basketball or something?" "They're pulling me from here." "They're sending me to another room." " But you'll be back tomorrow." " No." "Oh." "I'm gonna miss our talks." "You know, I'm gonna try and get back in here if I can." "I don't know if that's gonna happen or not." "I mean, it's not my decision, it's not like I'm..." "Let's go, let's go." "Clean it up, break's over." "I'm not bailing on you or anything." "I didn't get to tell you everything I wanted to tell you." "I mean, I talk about New York at the end." "Are you finished writing?" "I don't know." "I want you to read it." "Maybe there's a why in there somewhere." "And maybe it'll make sense to you." "Whether or not it makes sense to me doesn't matter." "Whatever happened, whatever you were thinking, that's not the most important thing right now." "The most important thing right now is what happens to you, Leland, because you do control that to some extent." "Listen to Charlie." "Listen to your lawyer." "Do whatever he tells you to do." "He does know what's best for you." "What you did was wrong." "And I know you know that." "I mean, you might not show it in the right way, but I know you recognize it." "And you can't make it unhappen but nobody ever can." "But just because what you did was wrong doesn't mean that giving up on your life is right." " I want you to turn around." " Hands up." " Turn around!" " Stop right there." "I want you to go down to the ground, slowly." "What's going on?" "What is this?" "What is happening?" " We're placing your son under arrest." " He's not my son." "Allen?" "Allen." " Allen." " Allen, what is this?" "I'm sorry, Mrs. Pollard." "I just wanted to get out of town." "I made a mistake." "Don't say anything." "Don't say another word." "We'll get you a lawyer, sweetheart." "You ratted me out." "You told my boss I was writing a book about Leland." "I told your boss you were attempting to write a book about Leland." "Did you actually think I was gonna allow you to exploit my son?" "No, I guess not." "That's your job, isn't it?" "Excuse me?" "The only reason you're here is because you smell a book." "Look, I don't need to prey on a family tragedy for my material, you vulturous little hack." "I could write 12 novels on the light and shadow in this bar." "Oh, that's what you're compiling notes about?" "The light and shadows in the bar?" "I was trying to help him." "I'm the one here who actually gives a fuck about your son." "You've got no right to accuse me of not caring for my son." "If you cared about your son, you would have actually attempted to see him over the past ten years instead of paying to fly him everywhere in the world that you aren't." "My relationship with Leland is none of your concern." "Well, apparently it's none of your concern either." "Look, I'm aware that I have made mistakes in my life, Mr. Madison." "I am fully aware of that fact." "But I've sure the fuck gotta write my books." " You're pathetic." " Yeah." " That's why you'll never be a writer." " No, that's why I'm not a bastard." "Hey." "Can I come in?" "Look, I just wanted to see if you were OK." "But I guess you're mad at me." "But I didn't do anything wrong." "I didn't..." "I didn't do anything wrong except make a lot of mistakes." "And..." "I know that." "And I'm sorry." "But I'm done." "I'm done with all the mistakes." "I'm going back to rehab." "And I'm gonna get clean this time, because I wanna be clean." "And I swear..." "I swear I didn't know Leland was gonna do anything." "Just please tell me that you don't think that I knew, because if you felt that, I would..." "I'd wanna die, OK?" "I'd wanna die if you could even think that." "You know how much I love Ryan." "You know how much I loved Ryan." "Charlie." "Thanks." " P." " Hey." "...and one main canal known as the Grand Canal." "For centuries, there was no bridge over the Grand Canal." "After a disastrous period..." "How you doing?" " How you doing?" " All right." " So did you escape the wrath?" " Gilmore owes me a couple still." "How was it?" "You got any desire to burn those up?" "Goddamn you, man." " Hey, shoot it, man." " Shoot it." "Shoot it." "When a guy hits three in a row, you might wanna start guarding." "Miranda..." "I'm sorry." "I'm not gonna try and explain what I did." "I know what I did was wrong and I'm not gonna make excuses about it." "I just..." "I just want you to know that I'm really, really sorry and I wanna make this up to you." "I do." "I wanna make this up to you so badly, I swear." "I'm gonna get on a plane and come out there." "Because I wanna make this right, you know?" "I wanna make this right between us, because I..." "I love you." "I love you very much." "It's off you." "Shit." "Hey, Allen." "I think there are two ways you can see the world." "You either see the sadness that's behind everything or you choose to keep it all out." "I wasn't lying when I said I don't blame her." "It was a couple days after all that stuff with Becky that I got the plane ticket to New York from my dad." "I was excited to be back in the city, around Mrs. Calderon too." "But as soon as I saw her, I could tell something was different." "She was divorced." "Turns out Mr. Calderon cheated on her for almost the whole time they were married." "That night I told her about what happened with Becky." "It happens at different times for different people but it happens to everybody." "It's the worst part about growing up, heartbreak, but it's a part of life." "It seems like a pretty big part." "That's why you have to believe that life is more than the sum of its parts, kiddo." "I kind of felt my heart breaking for her, but I knew that was no good." "I wanted to do something for her, but there wasn't anything." "There wasn't one thing I could really do." "The electricity wasn't in her eyes anymore." "Her eyes were still reflecting what was there, but now it was the sadness." "I started to see it everywhere." "Every face was different, but the same." "I saw it in Ryan worse than anybody." "All the words they were teaching him were things to stay away from." "There weren't any words like "strawberry" or "kiss"." "You could tell he really liked this girl who worked there." "But she just smiled at him." "I started to think that he knew." "He knew that nobody looked at him like a normal kid." "People either laughed at him or felt sorry for him." "But he couldn't do anything about it." "He was trapped." "I couldn't sleep." "I hadn't slept since New York." "I would lie there and think about Mrs. Calderon and I'd think about Ryan and I felt things tight in my chest." "Felt like I was drowning." "There's all this sadness and there's nothing you can do about it." "And all I wanted was for it to go away." "When I say I don't remember that day, I'm not lying." "Wish I could remember, but I don't." "At least, not the stuff they want me to." " Christ, Jesus." " Oh, God." "It's over." "It's over now." "Maybe it makes sense now." "Maybe somewhere in all of this, there's a reason." "Maybe somewhere in all of this there's a why." "Maybe somewhere there's that thing that lets you tie it all up with a neat bow and bury it in the backyard." "But nothing not getting angry, not prayers and not tears nothing can make something that happened unhappen." " You know I'm sorry, don't you, Pearl?" " I do." "I know you are." "It doesn't change anything but I'm sorry." "The worst part is knowing that there is goodness in people." "Mostly it stays deep down and buried." "Maybe we don't have God because we're scared of the bad stuff." "Maybe we're really scared of the good stuff." "Because if there's no God, well, that means it's inside of us and we could be good all the time if we wanted." "So when we do bad things, it'd be because we want to or because we have to." "Or maybe we just need the bad stuff to remind us what the good stuff is in the first place." "Well, what are you doing, you goofball?" "Just go around." "Come..." "Come here." "Come here." "No, come here." "Everything's OK." "Everything's gonna be OK." "I promise."