" Hi, honey." " Hi, Bob." "So, what's for dinner ?" "Well, some chicken, some carrots, a little potato, and I need sex, Bob." "How much do you need ?" "I could go out to the store and get us some." "I'm serious." "I can't stand one more night of those kids interrupting us." "Look, I am way ahead of you." "And that is why I made reservations for us to spend saturday night... in the one-star luxury of the Nutley motor inn." "You mean that sleazy place down the road ?" "You cheap, sexy man." " Hello ?" " Oh, my god." " Mr. And mrs." "Chase." " Alayna." "I can't believe..." "I thought you were still in Africa." "We're moving back." "After five years of being volunteer doctors, my parents decided it was time to come home." "Well, after two hours at safari land, I know what they mean." "I mean, how many zebras can you look at ?" "It's a horse with stripes." "I get it." "Alayna, the kids are going to be so excited to see you." " Let's surprise them." " Great idea." "You wait here." " Let me tell them." " No, let me tell them." " No, no, let me tell them." " I got it, I got it." "Kids..." "Alayna Collins is dead." " What ?" "!" " Oh, my god !" "Gotcha." "Bob, what is wrong with you ?" "Oh, my god." "I can't believe you're back." " Oh, I missed you so much." " Oh, I missed you guys, too." "Pierce !" " What was that ?" " Ah, Swahili." "Learned it in a lion king chat room." "Oh, my god." "Hey." "Parker, look at you." "You're so tall." "The girls must be going crazy over you." "Well, you know." "And Patton." "Hi." " You're so adorable." " Yes, I am." "You likey ?" "Mom, can I have a slumber party on saturday, so I can introduce Alayna to all my best friends ?" "I don't know." "Your father and I are going away for the..." " Please ?" "!" " Ni...oh, okay." "Hey, I'm just thinking about how important it will be for Alayna to make new friends and see them in their underwear and maybe have a tickle fight." "All right." "Good night, kids." "We'll see you tomorrow." "You didn't even tell us where you were going or why." "We're going to a cheap motel for a night of wild sex." "Fine." "Don't tell us." "Enjoy your slumber party, but remember... no boys." "We heard you the tenth time." " Hey, babe." " Hey." "You guys, this is gonna be so great." "By the end of tonight, you're gonna have three new sisters." "This is so exciting." "It's just like in Nigeria where when girls come of age they cut each other's cheeks and rub ashes into the wounds to cause this elaborate decorative scarring." "Let's do facials instead." "Hey, Penny." "Want to join us ?" "Sure, let me just go bleach my hair and remove my brain." "Can you bring back some chips ?" "Hey, Patton." "What's with all the black ?" "It's a camouflage." "Some of the hottest girls in school are gonna be in this house in their underwear, and I need a peeky-poo." "Hey, man." "How about Alayna ?" "She's gorgeous." "I know." "I'm thinking of giving her my first peeky-poo." "She's off limits, man." "What are you talking about ?" "Okay, look... you can't tell anybody this, but..." "I really like Alayna." "I have since we were kids." "I thought you guys hated each other." "You were always fighting." "That's 'cause whenever I tried to tell her I liked her" "I always ended up getting nervous and shoving her and calling her a big stupid." "You know, I once got to second base with a girl by using that line." "But she was big and stupid." "Look, look, on monday, Alayna's gonna be hit on by every guy in school, so I've got to tell her tonight that I want to be more than just friends." "Hey, check it out." "Oh, hey, are those the african war paints Alayna gave you ?" "Yes, but I'm using them only for peaceful purposes." "I started a comic strip to bring laughter to the world." "It's called "Billy and his water Buffalo."" "In the first panel, Billy eats his best friend, the water Buffalo." "The rest of it's in flashback." "Ah... well, here we are." " A room, a bed..." " and no kids." "Bob, let's really take our time, make this special." "Yeah, let's savor the moment." " Oh, that was good." " That was great." "Wait a minute." "Look at us." "This is supposed to be our big, wild night." "Let's do something special, something we can't do at home." "Oh." "I like the way you think." "Now, where's that room service menu ?" "No." "I mean, something sexy, something naughty." "Ooh, I have an idea." "How 'bout we do a little role playing." "Let's go down to the bar, and we'll pretend we're strangers, and you try and pick me up." "Look, if we're just trying to kill time until I can do it again, can't we just watch tv ?" "Okay, Alayna, I drew up the seating chart for your first day of school." " What class is it for ?" " Lunch." "This is where we sit, table nine." "It's the best." "Football team's at table eight." "Soccer team, table ten." "We're hot guy adjacent." "Remember, never talk to the girls at table seven." " Why not ?" " I don't remember." "I just know we're mad at them." "This is so complicated." "You got to learn these rules, Alayna." "This isn't like Africa." "It's a jungle in there." "I do 20 squats every morning when I get out of bed." "Oh, that's amazing." "Okay, girls, let's have some fun." " Let's do mani-pedis." " Let's change to our pajamas." " You have the best boobs." " Oh." "No, you do." "I totally love your abs." " Hey, Parker." " Hey, Alayna." "Um, how's the slumber party going ?" "Oh, the girls are in there comparing boobs." "It's weird." "For the last five years in my village, everyone walked around topless." "Here, boobs are like this big thing." "Everyone's obsessed with them." "Yeah." "What's that about ?" "It's good to have you back, Alayna." " I, um, I missed you." " I missed you, too." "You know, when I left for Africa, it was really hard leaving all my friends behind." "Yeah." "Friends." "You know, about that." "I've been thinking." " About what ?" " Oh." "Just about..." "Uh, well... nothing, you big stupid." " You wanna go ?" " Ho-ho." "What's up ?" "Oh !" "Ooh !" "Ooh !" "Tag me." " What are Y... ?" " Yeah !" " Get off me !" " Bark like a dog !" " Kissing you is awesome." " Yeah." "Reminds me of that Emily Dickinson poem." ""I love a look of agony because I know it's true."" "So, you're thinking of another woman while you're making out with me ?" "It's Emily Dickinson." "She's dead." "Doesn't matter." "You've read all of her poems." "You're constantly quoting her." "You totally have a crush on her, don't you ?" " Uh..." " You do !" "It's Sylvia Plath all over again." "You know what, you should be flattered." "I like smart women." "You like sad, dead author girls." "And you're thinking about them while you're kissing me." "God, Penny, show some faith that people are basically good." "That's Anne Frank." "Can we just go back to kissing ?" "Why don't you go home and make out with Anna Karenina." "Maybe I will." "I hope you get a paper cut." "Listen, Pierce, I need your help, man." "You've always been able to talk to Alayna." "I really need you to talk to her and find out if she has any feelings for me." " Whoa, you like Alayna ?" " Yeah." "Aw, man, this is just like the time wally fell in love with Alice, the antelope." "They got married, but had to adopt." "Check it out." "Got a naked picture of Stephanie." "Ho-ho, nice, man." "Wait, how can you tell this is Stephanie ?" "Her head's not in the picture." "I know." "I was falling when I took it, but... it's definitely Stephanie, because she's the only one wearing pink slippers." "Hey, you peeping tom thumb !" "I saw the ladder outside my window." "I have never been more offended." "Oh, my god, pink slippers." "Stephanie got them for us as a present." "Now, listen, you come near my party again, and you'll be spending the night in the vegetable crisper." " This is a nightmare." " Dude, relax." "You don't even fit in the vegetable crisper anymore." "No." "The picture of Stephanie might be of Paige." "Okay, okay, okay." "It's probably not." "But, just to be sure, without looking at it, crumple it up, burn it, put the ashes in a film canister, put the film canister in the back of the car and drive the car into a lake." "It's too late." "The picture..." "I already... enjoyed it." "Okay, Patton." "Your mission is clear." "The girl in this photo has a birthmark." "All you need to do is get a good look at Paige's inner thigh and see if she has that birthmark." "How 'bout I look at all the other girls and see if they do." " Much better plan, yeah." " Yeah, better." "Okay, are you sure this duct leads to the girls' room ?" "Yes." "Go ten feet and make a right." "You'll come to a fork." "When you get there, you'll see an old man." "He'll ask you two questions." "The answers are "purple" and "three."" "Godspeed, Patton." " So, ready to talk to Alayna ?" " All set." "All right, now look, when you talk to her, don't make it too obvious." "Just, you know, hint around and see how she feels about me." "Oh, and, Pierce, please try not to be weird." "You got it, man." "Yeah ?" "What's a beautiful girl like you doing in a dump like this ?" "I'm a lonely, married woman looking for a little fun." "Well, you came to the right place, baby." "Good, 'cause my husband's kind of boring." "He just sits around and watches tv." "Well, maybe he's tired after a long day's work." "Why should he be tired ?" "When he's not sleeping at home, he's sleeping at work." "Okay, you are clearly talking about me." "Now, Bob, I am not." "Will you stop being so sensitive ?" "I'm just role-playing." "Geez." "All right." "Look, why don't I pick you up ?" "Let's switch." "Good idea." "What's your story, handsome ?" "Oh, all my wife does is complain and spend my money." "She's 5'10", has red hair, and gave birth to quintuplets." "Oh, come on, Bob." "Well, hey, I'm just playing a character." "Well, you know what ?" "My character is not so attracted to your character." "Fine." "There's plenty of women who think Rocco Vanderhaven III is very hot." "Just passing through." "Don't try to give me a facial." "Penny, are you okay ?" "You seem mad." "You're just noticing that now ?" "You look like you're having guy troubles." "How could you possibly know that ?" "You know how you're really good at school and english and junk like that ?" "We're like that about boys." " So, what happened ?" " It was nothing." "It was stupid." "Penny... we can help you." "Let us in." "All right... when Roger was kissing me, he was thinking about Emily Dickinson." " What table does she sit at ?" " She's dead." "Good attitude." "He's also totally hung up on Anne Frank." "Anne Frank ?" "Who's Anne Frank ?" "I don't know her, but I know someone who read her diary." "So, Pearce, what did you want to talk to me about ?" "Ah, just the monkey screaming." "Oh, no, wait." "There was something else." "You know how sometimes you have a friend you haven't seen for a long time, and then you see them again and you realize you want to be more than just friends ?" "Well, let's just say," "I know someone who feels that way about you." "And he'd like to know if you feel the same way about him." "And, by the way, it's not Patton." "I think I know who it is." "So, who do you think it is ?" "Alayna, there you are." "Penny's having a major boyfriend crisis." "Roger's dating some slut named Emily Dickinson." "I second right, or was it first right, second left ?" "Purple three !" "Purple three !" "Patton, got a minute ?" "I need to talk." "What the hell are you doing in here ?" "Something really weird happened." "I was talking to Alayna for Parker to find out if she liked him, and she kissed me." "And I liked it." " I'm really confused." " You're confused." "I'm crawling through an air duct trying to find out if my sister has a birthmark on her inner thigh." "I might not be a go-to guy." "See, on the one hand, Parker is my brother." "On the other hand, Alayna just gave me a kiss which sent tingles through my coabas." "Damn these moral dilemmas !" "Parker... coabas ?" "Parker... coabas ?" "Parker, Parker, Parker !" "Coabas." "No, Parker !" "Thanks, Patton." "You've really helped." "Bob, how long are you gonna stay down here ?" "Will you come up to the room ?" " No." "You said I was boring." " I'm sorry, okay." "Now, will you come up ?" "Please ?" "No." "If you want me to come upstairs, you have to pick me up." "And you have to make it convincing." "Bob, I'm not gonna play this stupid game." "Oh, I think you will." "And you want to know why ?" "Because you want a slice of this." "I don't need it that bad." " Hey, stranger." " Oh, hello." "I saw you across the room, and I thought, "I just have to meet that handsome man."" "Really ?" "What's handsome about me ?" " Everything." " Like... ?" "Like... you're tall and strong and you have those steely blue eyes." "Yeah, thanks." "I use my eyes a lot in my work as an international assassin." " Wow, you sound very dangerous." " And sexy ?" " Yes, and sexy." " Really, what's sexy about me ?" " What's sexy about you is..." " Powerful thighs." "All right." "That's it." "I don't care if you're Bob, an assassin, or just some idiot at the bar." "To me, you're nothing but a piece of meat." " Really ?" " Meat doesn't talk." "Now, I want you upstairs, naked, in my bed, right now." "Okay, taking into account Roger's age, social status, and artsy-type personality," "I say he should be calling you within the next six minutes." " I say four." " I say three, two, one..." "Maybe he's gay." "That still doesn't mean it's Roger." "Hello ?" "Hey, Roger." "Tell him you were really hurt by what he did." "Roger, I was really hurt by what you did." ""I totally thought you, like, understood what was in my heart better than that."" "He's apologizing." "I think he's crying." "Look, Roger, it was my fault, too." "I-I mean, for trusting you." "Tell him you want him to buy you something." " He'll never do that." " Just tell him." " He won't." " Tell him !" "I'd like you to buy me something." "A candle is nice. but I want jewelry." "Yes, I forgive you." "It worked." "You guys are amazing." "How did you learn to do this ?" "It's like science." "It can't be explained." " Hey, Parker." " Hey, Alayna." " Have you seen Pearce ?" " Uh, not for a while." "He said he wanted to talk to you." "Did he ?" "Yes, he did." "And I have to say I was really shocked." " In a good way ?" " In a really good way." "I mean, we've been friends for so long, and I just think it's time that we take it to the next..." "You're kissing him ?" "You just kissed me." "I-I didn't kiss him." "He kissed me." " Wait." "You kissed him ?" "You kissed her ?" " I did not kiss her." "She kissed me." "Why ?" "Well, I was talking about how you like her as more than a friend..." " You were talking about him ?" " Yeah." "So you're not into me ?" "I didn't think I was, but then when you kissed me, I felt something." "You did ?" "God, I-I can't believe I kissed you." "I feel like such an idiot." "Actually, when you kissed me, I felt something." " You did ?" " Uh-huh." "Well, do you also feel something for him ?" "Alayna, there you are." "We're starting to do mani-pedis." "Get in here." "So, what are we gonna do ?" "Well, we've all been friends for a long time, and I don't want to ruin that." "Yeah, so, let's just keep it the way it was." " I mean, we can do that, right ?" " Sure." " So, friends ?" " Yeah, friends." "Of course." "Friends." "I'll see you in school on monday." "Guess what ?" "Stephanie's got a birthmark !" "Stephanie's got a birthmark !" "I might go blind but I'm not going to hell !" "Sous-titres :" "Van' Transcripts :" "Raceman"