" [Laughs] I knew you'd show up." "You wanted to know how I dooz it, right?" "Ha ha!" "I'm letting you know, right, how I dooz it." "A slice of "I dooz it" pie." "You know what "I dooz it" pie consists of?" "Nothing." "Ain't nothing in a "dooz it" pie, 'cause I don't know how to make no damn pie." "If I made a pie, wouldn't have nothing in there but dooz it!" "[Laughs] That's how I dooz it, baby." " Ladies and gentlemen, J.B. Smoove!" "[Hip-hop music]" "♪ ♪" " ♪ That's how I dooz it, yo, baby, I'm gangster slick ♪" "♪ That's how I dooz it ♪" " Y'all ain't ready for this right here." "Rewind that!" "[Tape rewinding rapidly]" "[Hip-hop music repeats]" "♪ ♪" "What up?" " ♪ That's how I dooz it, yo, baby, I'm gangster slick ♪" "♪ That's how I dooz it, comin' with that gangster shit ♪" " That's how I dooz it!" "Come on, y'all, come on!" "That's how I dooz it." " ♪ Say my name ♪" " That's how I dooz it." " ♪ You can tell by the swag ♪" " That's how I dooz it." "Come on, y'all, come on." "That's how I dooz it." "Yo, bounce that." "Bounce that, playboy." "Come on, bounce that." "Black man, do it, black man." "Oh!" "That's how I dooz it." " ♪ That's how I dooz it ♪" "♪ That's how I dooz it ♪" "♪ That's how I dooz it ♪" "♪ That's how I do... ♪" " Ooh, shoot." "[Sighs]" "Oh." "Oh, my God." "You feel that, playboy?" "Let me tell you something." "Don't you ever let a white man out-black you, playboy, ever." "Next time I see a white man out-black you," "I'ma cuss your ass out." "White folks in here giving it up like this." "You was like this." "[Laughs]" "Oh, that's my jam right there." "That's how I dooz it!" "You can have a baby to that damn song, you hear me?" "Play it again." "Play it again." "[Hip-hop music]" "♪ ♪" "Oh, shoot!" "What?" "Boy, you see that black man come out that white lady?" "You saw that?" "What he doing up in her?" "Oh, you get amped like that, you want to slap the shit out of somebody." "Play it again." "Play it again." "[Hip-hop music]" "What's wrong with your ass?" "♪ ♪ [music stops] Whoo!" "Use that damn song for any slapping occasion." "[Knocking] Who is it?" "[Lady's voice] Hello, young man." "I'm from a Jehovah's Witness." "[Normal voice] Play that shit again." "[Hip-hop music] Shut your old ass up!" "Ugh!" "Pick up all these Goddamn pamphlets." "All this shit!" "Too early for this." "Too early for this." "I don't care how you got here." "Boy, that damn song come on the radio, it don't matter what the hell you driving." "You could be riding a damn stagecoach... being chased by the police." "You think your ass can get away." "Play it again." "[Hip-hop music]" "♪ ♪" " ♪ That's how I dooz it, yo, baby, I'm gangster slick ♪" "♪ That's how I dooz it, comin' with that gangster shit ♪" "♪ That's how I dooz it, y'all better grip with this ♪" "♪ That's how I dooz it ♪ [music stops]" " [Laughs] Oh." "Oh, God." "Whoo!" "You old school, playboy." "Look at you, boy!" "Whoo!" "With the DMC glasses on." "Right?" "Whoo!" "I'm old school too, playboy." "I quit my last job like Run-DMC." "Like Rev Run, I was like, "I'm out of here!"" ""I'm out of here."" "Oh, that damn song." "I almost came that time." "Whoo!" "I'ma mess my new pants up." "New jeans, you know what I mean?" "I almost came that time." "I get so excited, you know what I mean?" "I almost came in my new pants, you know what I mean?" "I was going to return these pants to the store tomorrow, you know what I mean?" "That's how I dooz it, you know what I'm saying?" "I wear them out, take them back to the store, and return them, man, right?" "They give you a hard time you try to return some jeans with cum inside of them, you know what I mean?" "All these damn questions." ""Uh, sir, there's white stuff inside these pants."" ""You're damn right there's white stuff inside those damn pants." ""I'm not going to wear them again." ""Fold them up, put them back on the damn shelf." "Too many damn questions right now."" "Believe me," "I'm a big-time comer, hear me?" "She peeked inside them damn pants, said "God damn!"" "They call me "big-time comer."" "That's how I come." "That's how I come." "Like that, that's how I come." "I come sideways." "I don't give a damn... sideways." "I come on your ankle, all over your ankle, all over your ankle." "It's like that silly string." "Come out like silly string." "You invite my ass to your party, boy, I'll jack your party up." "I'll come in that damn party, come on your friends." "Like, "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." ""He's a asshole." "He's getting cum on everybody." ""Who invited this guy?" ""He's getting cum on everybody's face." "He's an asshole!"" "[Cheers and applause]" "All you guys got that weak-ass cum." "I can tell by your face right now." "You got that weak-ass cum." "Yeah, you got that weak-ass cum." "And you got that weak-ass cum." "[Whispering] Got that weak-ass cum." "[Normal voice] You finish tapping that ass, your cum just break by itself." "Weak-ass cum!" "My cum like a jump rope." "My shit's strong like this." "Got that power line..." "Like power line." "My shit's cum... it's strong!" "When I finish coming," "I got to cut my shit with a pair of scissors." "Thank you, girlfriend, for the piece of ass." "Just let me cut this damn cum." "Now roll it up." "Make it nice and neat." "Got to roll it up like that." "The ladies do not like tangled-up cum." "You got to hang your cum up nice and neatly." "See that?" "You hang it up." "Oh." "I love being back in my city, man." "Whoo." "[Cheers and applause]" "Oh, I live in L.A. Now, man." "Oh, man." "L.A. Got a lot of good-looking people, man." "I was in L.A., man." "I saw a handsome homeless guy." "This dude was like this here." "Uh-huh, like this." ""You ain't got no change at all?" ""Come on, you got something." "Don't you got something?" "No change?"" "L.A. Is a trip, boy!" "All day in L.A., all you see in L.A. Is kidnappings and high-speed car chases." "Yeah, boy." "They love to take your ass in L.A., right?" "But I'll tell you one thing, man." "It's not a whole lot of kids." "The bad part about these kidnappings nowadays, a lot of grown-ass people getting kidnapped." "You 35 Goddamn years old and your ass get kidnapped, you missin', it's your fault!" "I'm not gonna blame a damn kidnapper." "It's your fault, 'cause your ass ain't paying attention to your surroundings." "If you walkin' down the damn street and there's a dude riding on a sidewalk with two wheels on the curb riding the same speed you walking like this, that's bad news." "If you got a late-model, black-ass van, let me tell you something right now." "Late-model black-ass vans ain't never been associated with anything but bad news." "A black-ass van roll up, right?" "It's got that big-ass, old-ass door, right?" "The big, old..." "I'm talking about 1980 and lower black-ass van, with the click, click..." "[imitates whooshing]" ""Get your ass in here!" [Imitates whooshing]" "[Imitates breaks squealing]" "Three seconds, your ass is taken." "Those new vans, the fucking door move too damn slow." "You got to press the damn button, and the door do this right here." "You be like..." ""Aah!" "He's trying to take me!"" ""Go, go, go!" "Close the fucking door." "Close the Goddamn door!"" "[Imitates tires squealing]" "Be mad as hell." ""She saw my Goddamn face." ""I told you 1980 and lower!" ""You pop in with a brand-new-ass minivan." ""She saw my damn face!" ""She had time to get in the van," ""look at me again, and time to get the hell out before the damn door closed."" "Them damn police officers, ooh." "The L.A. Police are notorious." "They don't give a fuck about your ass." "Cops do not like chasing your ass." "They get mad when they got to chase your ass." "Right?" "They don't mind the car." "They don't mind riding in a slow-speed car chase or a high-speed car chase." "The car might run out of gas, or the spike strip's gonna bust the tires or something, right?" "But when you hop out that damn car... let me tell you something... a cop get madder than a motherfucker." "They be like this..." ""God damn."" "[Inhales sharply]" ""He done hopped out the Goddamn car."" "Cops get pissed off." "You know why?" "'Cause cops got a ton of bullshit on their belt." "This shit heavy." "This shit heavy as hell." "It's a whole lot of shit on that damn belt." "That's like, your ass work in an office, right?" "You an accountant, or you work in an office, and your ass walking around the damn office with a Goddamn printer on your fucking belt." "Goddamn paper and staplers and shit." "Go..." "Goddamn monitor..." "Goddamn scanner." "All your shit is on your belt." "You walk around all day with that, all day with that shit on your belt." "Your pants all low, your pants all low, 'cause all that shit heavy as hell." "You like, "Oh, shit," "I'm wearing low-riders right now."" "[Laughs] Got all that shit." "You at Starbucks or somewhere, you in a coffee shop, trying to get some Goddamn lunch, all that shit on your belt, just in case some business happens, you know what I mean?" "I'm glad I got this Goddamn scanner with me." "[Imitates scanner whirring]" "Thank God I brung this damn printer." "You look at a cop, right?" "You ever look at a cop real good?" "Look at a cop from head to toe." "Look at this..." "God damn." "Look at all that stupid shit." "They got tons of dumb shit on that belt." "Tons of dumb-ass shit, right?" "They got... the Goddamn gun." "They got a Goddamn Taser, fucking mace, Goddamn ticket book, fucking whistles, Godda..." "Goddamn walkie-talkie on that motherfucker." "Fucking lie detector, DNA tester," "Breathalyzer, got a fucking Breathalyzer," "Goddamn coffee maker on that motherfucker." "That's a whole lot of bullshit." "When you hop out that Goddamn car and start running, the first thing a cop is thinking is, "God damn." ""He gonna make me chase his ass with all this bullshit on this belt!"" "[Screams] "God!"" "[Thumping]" "Coffee spilling." "[Shrieks]" ""I'm gonna kill your ass!"" "You got a backup cop hanging over here... a backup cop over here." "Another dude like..." "[stammering]" ""Make a left." "Make a left." "Make a left."" "[Thumping]" ""Left, motherfucker." "Left, left, left, left."" ""Your left, your left?" "My left?"" ""My left, motherfucker." "My left!"" "You got to be in shape to escape two damn cops, right?" "If you want to steal, right, have your ass in shape." "Don't be trying to steal shit if your ass ain't in shape." "Right?" "Your ass got to be in shape to steal." "Get your ass in the gym." "Get your wind up." "Get your strength up, right?" "You will frustrate the fuck out of a police officer if he can't catch your ass." ""This guy's incredible." ""This guy knew this day was gonna come." ""He is prepared for our ass." "I'm gonna run out of gas on this motherfucker right now."" "Get your ass in the gym." "Get in the Goddamn gym and get on that fucking treadmill." "You get on that fucking treadmill, and you work that shit." "I'ma steal everything." "I'm gonna get that Goddamn wind up." "Then the police can't fuck with me!" "You jogging." "There's a white man on his treadmill, a nosy-ass white man on his treadmill next to you." "[Laughing sarcastically]" ""Are you a new member?"" "Shut the fuck up!" "[Cheers and applause]" "I'm training to steal some shit, bitch." "Give me that Goddamn iPod." "[Laughing]" "[Laughing]" "You don't want to mess around with no damn police." "You don't want to mess around with the damn police, man." "Anybody been downtown before?" "Anybody been arrested before?" "Anybody been arrested?" "Anybody been arrested before?" "Anybody been arrested?" "You don't want to admit it." "You been arrested?" "Oh, hell, no, girl." "Been to jail before?" "Been downtown, right?" "You don't want to play around with them damn cops, right?" "You know the difference between getting arrested and going to jail, right?" "It's two difference." "There's a damn difference between going to jail and getting arrested." "When you go to jail, you go to jail." "You get arrested, you get taken." "That mean you resisted, or something happened." "Something got twisted, and the cop treated you real bad, right?" "When a cop got to chase your ass, he tackle you, right?" "This is where it gets rough." "He put that damn knee in your damn back like that." "Put that damn knee in your back like that, right?" "Put that damn knee right there." "Yeah!" "Got your ass now, yeah." "Right?" "You give up." "You give up!" "Right?" "You put your hand behind your back." ""You got me, officer." "You got me." "You got me, officer."" "And what he says?" ""Yeah, I sure do."" "Don't you ever, when you get arrested, put your hand behind your back." "You always do this, always do this." "And you squinch your face up like this." "Like this." "[Squeals]" "He gonna hit you hard as hell." "He gonna hit your ass hard." "If you do this to your face, it reduces the pain by 45%, like this." ""Here it come." "Here it come." "Here it come!" "Aah!"" "I seen a cop hit a dude so hard." "I mean, this cop was trying to kill this dude." "Hit this guy so damn hard, man, that he would hit himself before he hit the damn suspect." "[Screaming]" ""Ow!" ""I'ma kill your ass!" "Ow!"" "They both need a ambulance." ""Oh, God." "Cop down!" "Cop down!"" ""Have you been shot?"" ""No!" "I hit myself in the back." "And my suspect is unconscious."" "Cops don't be playing, man." "Then they get rough." "Then they get real rough." "Then they grab your ass." "They bend your wrist like this." "The first move, they bend your damn wrist like this." "They push this wrist back so Goddamn far, your toe hurt." ""Why's my toe hurting?" "Ow." ""Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, my toe!" "Why is my toe hurting?"" "The nerves from your wrist are attached to your Goddamn toe." "Cops don't fuck around." "They grab that damn arm, they bend like this, they turn it, they pull that shit, and they rip that mo..." "[groans]" "Put your face on the damn car like this." "Oh, God damn." "Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay." "Okay, officer, okay!" "You're hurting my arm!" "You got to tell that damn officer," ""Officer, there's a ligament in this fucking arm." "The whole body is loaded with ligaments." "Ligaments run the body." "Your body is full of fucking ligaments." "[Laughs]" "A lot of people think the body is 75% water or whatever it is." "It's 75% ligaments." "That officer bend your damn arm and twist your wrist like this." "And you're fucking..." "Ow, ow, ow, ow!" "And you mess around and rip that ligament while he twisting it, guess what you're stuck with for three months." "This right here." "I don't give a damn how handsome your ass is." "You walk in the club with this right here..." "Your whole body jacked up, right?" "The pants crooked." "You got the pants over here." "You look like this." "You done jacked up your damn ligament." "Now your ligament all jacked up, right?" "You walk into a club with this right here, believe me, heads will turn." ""What up, playboy?" "What's going on, fools?"" ""What the hell happened to you?"" ""Man, the police done fucked up my ligament."" "This ain't good for nothing, right?" "Be in the damn club trying to hang out and shit." "You know what I mean?" "Meeting girls." ""What's up, baby?" "Come here." ""Let me holler at you right quick." ""Come here." "Let me talk to you right quick." ""Get your ass over here." ""I'm gonna hook the hook on your arm." ""Get your ass over here." "I'm talking to you." "Don't... don't... don't do that."" "[Laughs]" "This ain't good for nothing." "Know what it's good for?" "Putting in ingredients." "Put a little oregano in there, a dash of pepper, and you drizzle some teriyaki, drizzle." "It's a drizzler too." "Then you stir it up with the same hand." "You stir it up." "[Laughs]" "You serve it with the same hand too." "See that?" "You want some Kool-Aid?" "You want some fruit punch?" "Fruit punch." "I got fruit punch over here." "Got fruit punch." "You say it ain't sweet?" "It ain't sweet?" "It ain't sweet?" "Goddamn sugar at the bottom, huh?" "Sugar at the bottom." "Try to be cool with this." "[Cheers and applause]" "Your ass can't even get a job because your arm all jacked up, right?" "You going to interviews everywhere." ""Hey, I want..." "can I get a job?"" "All the doors slam in your face 'cause your damn arm all fucked up." "You got to get a job doing children's parties, you know what I mean?" "Doing shadow puppet shows and shit." "Your ass doing shit..." "All right, kids." "Oh." "Did I tell you kids what happened to my arm?" "The police messed up Mr. Johnson's ligament, kids." "So I got a swan." "I got a rabbit and a pair of scissors." "So the swan and the rabbit went to Staples to steal a pair of scissors." "And the rabbit was like," ""Come on, man, we don't got to steal no damn scissors." ""It ain't like we ain't got no damn money, man." "We got money." "We can buy our own pair of scissors."" "And the swan was like, "Fuck that shit." ""I'm not paying for no damn scissors." "I'ma keep it real up in here."" ""Come on, man." "Not today, man." "This ain't even cool, man." "You got money in your pocket."" ""I got money... my money in my pocket." ""Like I said!" ""You can be a bitch if you want to, but I'm not paying for no motherfucking scissors."" "[Cheers and applause]" "This is the swan getting arrested." ""Ah, ah, ah."" "Took his ass to jail and put his ass in fucking jail." "That's how he look in jail." ""Let me out of here!" "Yo, what you doing?" "Stop, stop!"" ""Stop, stop!"" "All the guys ask me... after the show is about ligaments." "I'm a Goddamn ligament expert, you understand?" "Your whole body is full... when I tell you your body... fellas, let me tell you about fellas and ligaments." "Your whole body is loaded with ligaments, fellas." "Right?" "You got a ligament that separates your balls and your asshole." "You know what I'm saying?" "There's a ligament that runs right here, right here, between here." "Put your hand down there, feel right now." "Put your hand down there, fellas." "Put your hand... put your hand down there, feel it." "It separates your balls and your asshole." "It's a little piece of ligament." "Look at me, right there." "It's a little piece of ligament that separates these two." "See that?" "It's a little piece of ligament right there, right?" "That's how your body's designed." "You got to have a little space there." "You can't just go balls and asshole." "You can't just go straight to balls and asshole, right?" "Your balls... your balls cannot be too close to your asshole." "You'll fuck around and shit your nuts out, you know what I mean?" "This is called the spring ligament, the spring ligament, the spring ligament." "This ligament right here is the spring ligament, understand?" "Right?" "When you use this ligament right here, this is called... this ligament gives you the lift." "It picks your johnson up." "A lot of people think the blood does all the work." "No, no, no, no, no, the blood fills your johnson up." "It's the spring ligament's responsibility to lift your johnson up." "Somebody got to pick your johnson up." "You think blood's that damn strong to pick your johnson up?" "The blood gets it hard." "But the spring ligament lifts it up, you understand?" "A lot of guys don't even know it's down there." "You don't even know it's down there till you get tender one day, like, "Ow, what I do last..." "ooh, ooh."" "You having rough-ass sex, and you realize something ain't right right there." "Anybody ever get that feeling?" "Any guys?" "Like, "Ooh, what did I do right there?" "What did I do?" "What did I do?"" "You doing some acrobatic stuff." "You're trying to do something funky, something crazy." "You trying to do something crazy, and you pull that little piece of ligament right there." "You pull it." "You know how you pull it?" "I'll tell you how you pull it too." "When your lady give you the double whammy." "Know what a double whammy is?" "When she pull on your balls and your johnson at the same damn time." "Like this." ""Ugh!" "Aah!"" "She done pulled your damn ligament." "She done messed your damn ligament up." "You in the bathroom like, "Ow, ow, what the hell she do?" ""Ow, it's tender." "It's tender." ""It's tender." "Ow, it's tender."" "You walk in that bedroom." "Your lady's on the bed." "She's like, "Mm." "Where you been at?" "Come on."" "You're like, "Oh, shit."" "'Cause now you ain't got no damn lift." "The blood came to work." "Your johnson hard as a rock." "But it's aimed to the damn ground like that, like that." "You're like, "Oh, man, what am I going to do?"" "She's like, "Come on, baby, what you doing?" "Come on."" ""Oh, shit."" "Now you got to think, think, think, think, think." "You got to make love to your lady somehow." ""What the fuck am I going to do?" "What the fuck am I going to do?"" "You got to... you got to turn your lady upside down." "You got to pogo stick that ass." "[Cheers and applause]" "Got to go to the gym, man, right?" "Work your ass out, get strong." "See, I go to the gym." "I try to go to the gym a little to work out." "I get irritated when I go to the gym." "As soon as I walk in the gym, I get irritated." "You know why?" "'Cause everything is so damn heavy... all this shit." "Ain't no light shit in here?" "[Grunting]" "What the fuck is this?" "I got in a new gym, man." "My new gym so Goddamn heavy..." "My new gym so damn heavy, the door to get in that shit heavy." "I'll be like, "God damn," ""how the fuck you get in this Goddamn gym?" ""What kind of door is this?" "God damn!" ""Fuck!" ""What kind of Goddamn door is this?" ""Fuck." "Whoo!" ""How the fuck you get in this Goddamn gym?" ""Hey, man, people outside can't get in!" ""What kind of Goddamn door is this?" ""I got to wait outside for somebody to leave" ""to get in the Goddamn gym." ""When somebody leave, I'll slide up in this motherfucker." ""Hold the door." "Hold that Goddamn door." ""Hold the door!" "Hold the door!" ""God damn." ""I'm in the gym." ""I don't know how I'ma leave, but I'm up in this motherfucker." ""I got to pull the fire alarm to leave." "We all leaving at the same Goddamn time."" "Firemen run in." "I'm running the fuck out." "Take care of your damn lady." "Right?" "Take care of your damn lady." "This your lady right here, playboy?" "Take care of your damn lady, man." "Take care of your lady." "He gonna touch her too." "Mm-hmm." "[Laughs]" "Aw, look at him." "All:" "Aw." "They're so cute." "You buy nice things, perfume and that kind of stuff?" "Don't you ever buy no perfume!" "A man can't buy a lady perfume, playboy." "You know why?" "Let me tell you why." "It takes women a thousand years to find the right fragrance that smells good on them." "Perfume ain't shit." "You understand?" "Perfume is not what makes your lady smell good." "Your lady makes your lady smell good." "Every lady has their own natural chemistry." "You don't believe me?" "Next time you're walking down in Times Square, right?" "Next time you in Times Square, every lady you walk by, just lick their face." "You're going to go to jail, but... you will find out that every lady tastes a little different." "You understand?" "All you can do is go in that damn cabinet... that's all you can do, is go in the cabinet, see what's almost empty, take it, look at it, and go and buy more of the stuff that she used up already." "You know what I'm saying?" "You come back, you give her that damn perfume that she's almost empty on," "I'm telling you, you're gonna get a piece of ass." "She gonna be like, "Oh, my God, "You are paying attention to me." ""You went in the cabinet and found out what was empty." ""Oh, my God, I love you." "I freakin' love you, you know that?"" "But see, now you can't do it with this lady, 'cause she just heard me." "Your next girlfriend... [cheers and applause]" "All I buy my wife..." "let me tell you." "All I buy..." "I'm smart." "All I buy is things I know she loves." "You know what I mean?" "All I buy is, like, high-heel stilettos." "That's the sexiest shit in the fucking world, right?" "When a lady know how to work them damn high-heeled shoes, this shit right here." "This is the sexiest shit in the Goddamn world." "I'm a grown-ass man." "I feel sexy right now." "You know what I mean?" "You got to be careful walking around like this." "This dude..." "look right here." "He looking at me like, "Hmm." "J.B., what's up, man?" "Looking sexy in them damn heels, J.B."" "I don't care about nothing." "I don't care about nothing else... lingerie, none of that stuff." "I don't give a damn what my wife got on." "Put them Goddamn shoes on." "My wife can have on shoulder pads and a baby diaper." "I don't give a fuck." "Put them damn shoes on." "She can have a whole..." "a beekeeper outfit." "I don't give a fuck." "[Imitating bees buzzing]" "I'd be like, "Look at that lady working them Goddamn shoes." "Look at her working them shoes."" "[Imitates buzzing]" "Ooh, that's sexy!" "[Imitates buzzing]" "I don't know a man in here who's turned on by a lady walking around with her lazy ass in some damn flip-flops." "That's the laziest shit." "You come home from a hard-ass day at work." "You worked your ass off." "You walk in the damn house." "She walk up to you, "Hey, baby, what's up?"" "With that stupid-ass flip-flop face." "You know that flip-flop face?" "I bust my ass all day for this shit right here?" "You learn how to walk in them damn heels and get sexy for your man." "Some girls look sexy in the shoes 'cause they know what the hell they doing." "Some girls put the shoes on, they don't know what they doing, right?" "They put the damn shoes on trying to be sexy, they ass look sneaky 'cause they don't know how to walk." "Trying to be all sexy like..." "Some girls look sexy in the shoes." "Some look sneaky in the shoes." "Some girls put them damn shoes on, turn your ass off." "They ass look like Tyrannosaurus Rex in the damn shoes." "You be like, "Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it!" ""Put them Goddamn flip-flops back on" ""before you eat all the Goddamn plants in this damn house." "Stop eating them Goddamn plants."" "It is not..." "I repeat, learn how to walk in some shoes, ladies." "It don't make no damn sense, right?" "Your mama should get up early in the morning..." "You in the house." "You still living at home." "You 28 Goddamn years old." "Your ass still walking around on fucking flip-flops all Goddamn day, right?" "Should take your 28-, 30-year-old ass outside, put your ass on the curb and say, "Look here." ""Look here." "Wake up!" "Be still!" "Stop shaking!" ""All right?" "Don't be nervous." ""I know." "I know it's hard to stand up." ""I know." "I know." "I know." ""You gonna learn how to walk in these Goddamn heels today, okay?" ""Relax!" ""I'ma get your ass going." ""You get out there and find you a Goddamn boyfriend." ""Oh, fuck." ""Get your ass up!" ""Relax!" "Relax!" "Stop crying."" ""Take your fucking time!" ""Okay?" ""You gonna learn how to walk in these Goddamn heels." ""Okay, let's try it again." "Come on, come on." "God damn it!"" "Slow your ass down." "There's a lot of shit I'm trying to get into now, man." "I played my first villain, right?" "For this movie, I played a villain." "Something cool about being a evil-ass." "Wish I could do things at will, you know what I mean?" "Like, do things at will, like..." "You know what I wish I could do?" "I wish I could just, like, pile-drive somebody anytime I wanted to, you know what I mean?" "Yeah, I gave you..." "I gave you a five." "You gave me change for a one." "Yeah." "Yeah, look in that..." "in that pile of ones." "You'll see a five." "Yeah." "No, no, no, it's... it's..." "No, come on, dog." "Come on, man." "Check the pile of ones and give me my change back." "Okay." "[Laughs]" "Ah, man, you a damn fool, man." "If you don't give me my Goddamn change back... whoo!" "You got me tripping up in here!" "[Yells]" "What's up, Grandma?" "What's up?" "What's up, Grandma?" "Love you, baby." "Huh?" "What are you talking about, Grandma?" "What are you talking about?" "Come on, come on, Grandma." "I'm showing you some love, Grandma." "Give me some love, Grandma." "Stop playing." "You just got out the hospital." "You should be feeling..." "You know, what's up?" "I came to see you a few times." "What do you mean?" "You don't remember me coming to see you?" "No, come on, Grandma." "I ain't go in your purse." "Come on, Grandma." "[Scoffs]" "Come on, Grandma, you tripping up in here now." "Come on." "I'm your grandson." "Why am I gonna go in your Goddamn purse for, Grandma?" "Come on, baby." "Come on, Grandma." "Come..." "Grandma." "[Laughs]" "[Cheers and applause]" "Grandma?" "Grandma?" "[Laughs]" "Grandma?" "[Laughs]" "If I was a hero, I'd probably be the kind of hero who could catch your ass, but can't hold you till the police got there." "I think my archenemy would be a guy named" "Get The Fuck Off Me." "I got you!" ""Get the fuck off me."" "Come on, man, stop playing around." "You committed a crime." "You got to go." ""Get the fuck off me," I said." "Don't touch me, motherfucker." "Got to be strong." "Ladies love to feel protected at all times." "You got to protect your lady whether you in a grocery store, right?" "Or you in a park, or you in a club." "Ladies always want to feel protected." "You know what I'm saying?" "How's your lady, playboy?" "Take care of your lady, man." "Take care of her ass, man." "You know what ladies love?" "Ladies want to feel protected." "Know what they like?" "When you make love to 'em, pick 'em off the ground." "Oh." "Give me some love up in here." "Come on, player, that's your shit." "That's your shit too, right?" "I can tell." "You a big-ass dude." "You a big, strong-ass dude." "When you pick a woman up in the air and make love to her like that... ladies love it!" "They love it!" "They feel protected, right, big man?" "You strong as hell." "You got that one-hand thing, right?" "One hand, two seats, right?" "One hand, two seats, right?" "They love it." "They love it." "Put their arm around your neck." ""Oh, I love you so much." "Ah, I feel so protected." "I feel so safe."" "You be like, "Damn right." "Bam."" "You got to be strong, though." "Got to be strong." "Got to have that kind of strength." "See, I don't have that kind of strength, you know what I'm saying?" "My wife picked me up." "I be like, "God damn." ""Oh, you tearing daddy ass up!" "Oh, this is crazy!"" "That's some punk-ass shit right there, right?" "Right?" "Your lady pick you up, right?" "You're a grown-ass man." "Your damn legs is wrapped around your lady's waist." "What kind of shit is this, where you're..." ""Ah." "Ah." "Oh, you're tearing daddy ass up, baby!"" "You got a mirror." "You can see yourself in the mirror." ""Look at my stupid ass in the mirror." "I can't look at myself right now."" "Your lady gonna put your damn legs over her shoulders." "What kind of shit is this?" "You're a grown-ass man." ""Ah, shit." ""Look at my stupid ass in the mirror." "Old lady fucking the shit out of me!"" "[Cheers and applause]" "Lady wants your ass strong." "They want you fucking strong." "We had a little incident on our honeymoon." "People ask me how you get in a position where your lady picking your ass up." "We were on our honeymoon." "We was going to Hawaii." "And I was like, "Yeah!" "Whoo-whoo!"" "She was like, "What's up?" I said, "What's up, baby?"" "She said, "I want to ask you something."" "I said, "What's up?" "You know?" ""What's up?" "What's up?" "You know?" "What's going down, baby?"" "That's how the fuck I do, too, in first class." "Right?" "You in first class, you do what the fuck you want to do, you hear me?" "There's no sign that says you can't do this, right?" "There's a sign that says no smoking, right?" "Put the seat belt on." "But there's no little X through a Captain Morgan motherfucker, like this." "Listen, I said, "What's up, baby?"" "My wife said, "Uh, look here." "When we get to Hawaii, I want to get freaky."" "I said, "Okay, what's up, what's up, what's up?"" ""When we get to Hawaii, I want you to make love to me" ""and pick me off the ground." "Pick me up and make love to me."" "I said, "Look here, baby." ""I'm strong for a minute at a time." ""After that first minute, your life is in your own hands."" "That first minute, you couldn't tell me shit." "Had my wife in the air, tearing that ass up." "Whoo!" "Mwah!" "[Laughs]" "[Laughter and applause]" "[Cheers and applause]" "[Cheers and applause]" ""You okay?"" "[Panting]" ""You all right?"" ""What's the matter?" "You don't want to do it no more?"" "I tore my wife ass up." "We had a romantic dinner the next night." "Sitting there, she mad as hell." "She had a big-ass rug burn going." "My wife got me into yoga now." "I'm doing yoga." "That yoga's something else, right?" "Whoo!" "I'm good for one day a year with that shit." "Some people good." "Some guys are more flexible than women." "I seen a dude who crossed his fucking leg, right?" "But he put his whole leg around his waist first." "Then he put his shit like that." "I was like, "God damn, you flexible."" "You know you flexible when you can put your fucking feet in your pocket... and walk home on your ass like this." "I said, "Oh, shit!" ""This dude is crazy." "He's mad flexible."" "My wife done taught my damn dog how to do yoga." "You know what I mean?" "That's crazy, man." "You out there walking your damn dog." "Your dog taking a piss like this." "I'm like, "Yeah, he know yoga." "Yeah, he know yoga."" "I feel safe when I come back to New York, man." "I feel safe when I come here, you know what I mean?" "This is my town, man." "People go other places, man, get surprised by crime." "You know what I mean?" "Buddy of mine went to London, went to fucking London, got mugged in London." "That's some bullshit." "You travel your ass all the way over there, fucking eight hours?" "You travel all the way over there, right?" "You left New York City, the crime capital of the world." "Your ass go all the way to London and get your ass robbed in London?" "How you gonna get robbed in London?" "I didn't want to make him feel bad." "But I said, "Man, I'll be damned..." ""if I'm gonna let a dude rob my ass wearing some Goddamn trousers."" ""He wearing some fucking knickers." "He robbed your ass in knickers."" "I would've gave him $45, tell him," ""Here, go buy some baggy jeans and come back," ""and I'll give you the rest of the fucking money," ""'cause you ain't robbing me in no tight-ass Goddamn trousers, motherfucker."" "Take your fucking money and make a getaway driving on the left-hand side of the fucking street, sitting on the Goddamn right, you know what I mean?" "You like, "What the fuck just happened?" ""I got robbed in a fucking mirror?" "What the fuck just happened to me?"" "I'm enjoying this fucking comedy shit too, man." "This is fucking fun shit, man." "Yeah." "[Cheers and applause]" "What's up, big man?" "Having a good time, big man?" "Big man doing his thing, right, big man?" "Right?" "It ain't nothing better than being that powerful, right?" "You a powerful-ass dude, right?" "Right?" "You'll fuck somebody ass up, won't you?" "Tell the truth." "You'll beat somebody ass, right?" "Tell the truth." "You'll beat somebody ass." "Hey, no, no, no, you'll beat somebody ass." "No, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you." "You'll beat somebody ass." "You'll beat somebody ass." ""Well, you know, I fuck some people up, yeah."" "Big people do big Goddamn things, you know what I'm saying, big man?" "Build a house." "Build a house, big man." "Build a house, right?" "Knock a damn house down." "Be a repo man with no truck." "Let's take a motherfucker's car." "You don't want to pay your car, no, God damn it?" "This is what the fuck happens." "This Goddamn car going back to the bank!" "I wish you would come out that Goddamn house." "Think I give a fuck about this car, huh?" "This ain't nothing but a job to me, bitch." "Don't be in the Goddamn window yelling shit out the Goddamn window." "Fuck your car." "If I was your size, man, I'd take the world over." "Can't do shit with this body." "Can't do shit." "This body ain't worth shit right here." "If I was, like, 6'9", 350, I'd take the world over." "You hear me?" "I fuck around and rob a bank with my fist." "You know what time it is." "Put that money in that Goddamn bag." "Everybody get on the ground, or I'm gonna start knocking your asses out." "You see this in your fucking face?" "I'll knock your ass out with this." "You put that money in that Goddamn bag... or I'll put this on your fucking face!" "I wish you would press that fucking button." "I get busted, you gonna get busted in your Goddamn face!" "You big and strong." "You do what the hell you want to do, right?" "You ain't scared of shit, right, playboy?" "Right?" "You ain't scared of shit, right?" "Right?" "You get to a grocery store and don't give nobody their damn change back." "Yeah, that's $3.99." "I have a 50." "Get the fuck out of my face!" "My Goddamn change!" "You don't get no change." "This store is called Profits." "That's all the fuck I make around here is a profit." "Every big man need a little man to hang out with." "Get yourself a little dude." "Little dudes love hanging around with big-ass dudes, right?" "It don't matter what big man doing, little dude be right there, right?" "Big man picking money up." ""You will get my Goddamn money, and I want my money tomorrow."" "And little dude be like, "Yeah, get his Goddamn money, or you gonna get fucked up."" "Big man could be tapping some ass, right?" "Tearing that ass up." "Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow!" "Little man be like, "Yeah!" "Tear that ass up!" ""My man fucking the shit out your ass." ""Tear that ass up." ""Let me get a piece of that ass." ""Let me get a piece of this ass." ""Let me get a piece of this." ""She up here laughing at me." ""I can't fuck her." "I can't fuck her." ""You fuck her." "I can't fuck her ass." "Tear that ass up!"" "I'm old school too." "Some cats real old school, right?" "I saw a cat back there old school." "Old school." "You old school." "People think gunplay started, like, now." "These kids been shooting and stuff." "No." "They been shooting since the '30s." "It just had a little more class to it." "You got into a beef with somebody, you took their ass to your own backyard." "You went back to back." "You go ten damn paces like this." "You turn around and shoot they ass." "Pow!" "Right?" "You shoot them dead in their motherfucking chest." "They tip their hat to the lady..." "your derby." "You twist your mustache like this." "You get on that bicycle with the big-ass front wheel and the little wheel in the back, and you ride the fuck off like this." "Anybody here drink?" "[Cheers and applause] Yeah." "Got to be careful what you drinking, man." "Got to make your own drinks up." "All I drink is, like, rum and energy drinks mixed together." "'Cause rum will tear your ass up, right?" "Rum will tear your... rum will get you so damn drunk, right?" "Put your energy drink in there, and you'll be too... so drunk." "But the energy drink gives you energy, so you're drunk, but your ass can't fall." "You get that Segway balance, that Segway balance." "Like this right here." "[Laughter]" "[Cheers and applause]" "God..." "So many things you got to do, man, to keep your relationship going." "Your lady got to know how to cook." "Her ass got to know how to cook." "I don't mean fucking around." "You know, I'm talking about real shit." "Shit that men like to eat, right?" "You ever eaten some fried chicken that was so fucking horrible, right?" "That was so terrible." "You fuck up fried chicken, you ain't shit." "You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?" ""Get the fuck out the way." "This is ridiculous." "I'm gonna show you how to cook a piece of chicken."" "He got to tie his own leg off." "Now pick that chicken leg up." "Pick it up!" "Wash it off." "Wash it off." "Go in that damn cabinet." "Get the seasoning salt, the paprika, the salt, the pepper, some flour, and a paper bag." "And hurry up." "This don't make no Goddamn sense." "I got to show your ass how to cook me?" "Put the Goddamn frying pan on the Goddamn stove." "Pour some Goddamn grease in it..." "375, let it heat up." "This don't make no fucking sense." "Wash that chicken off good... 'cause I could kill your ass with salmonella." "I'm getting so weak." "Now put that chicken in the Goddamn pan." "Let it cook 15 minutes on one side, then turn it on the other side," "15 more minutes." "Oh, shit." "I'm blacking out." "I'm getting real weak here." "Oh, God." "[Panting]" "Let it brown real good on both sides." "[Panting]" "When that chicken get done, you come up here, and you snap my neck." "And you rotisserie the rest of me." "Now, don't fuck this up now." "475 in the oven, covered up with aluminum foil." "[Laughing]" "[Cheers and applause]" "Everybody got a damn sex tape, right?" "Everybody got a damn sex tape." "Nobody should be making them Goddamn sex tapes." "Only reason you make sex tapes is for quality assurance." "You and your lady sit on that damn couch." "Y'all figure out what the hell happened." ""See, now, look at that." "Look, look, look, look, look." ""You dry." "Your ass dry." ""You don't put no lotion on your ass?" ""Look at that." "Look, look, look, look, look." ""I'm tearing your ass up." "Was I hurting you?" ""Did I hurt you like that?" ""Did I hurt you when I put your leg behind your head?" ""Right there." "Yeah, uh-huh." ""Oh, shit." "Look, look, look, look." ""Junior came in the room." "Look, look, look, look." ""We didn't even hear his ass!" ""We didn't even hear him come in the room!" ""We're still going!" "Look at his fucking face!" ""Look at Junior's face!" "[Laughing]" ""Oh, shit!" ""He called his sister!" "Look!" "They both standing like, 'What the fuck is y'all doing?"'" "[Laughing wildly]" "[Cheers and applause]" "The world revolves... around the man's johnson." "It does, whether you believe it or not, ladies." "Look, you guys think that..." "Women think they run the world, right?" "Like, a man has got to have that stuff, right?" "And we do got to have it." "But everybody avoids the johnson." "You notice that?" "On TV shows, movies, you can catch a titty anywhere." "Can't catch no johnson nowhere." "People afraid of the johnson, right?" "They cut the johnson out of everything, right?" "The johnson's never there." "Even when a johnson's supposed to be there, a johnson ain't there." "Other day I'm home watching TV, right?" "Right?" "And I caught King Kong on TV." "That's a big-ass gorilla." "Big-ass gorilla." "This gorilla's huge." "This motherfucker climbed the Empire State Building." "Right?" "Watched the whole Goddamn movie... no fucking johnson." "You kidding me?" "This ain't no little fucking orangutan." "This a fucking monster, a fucking monster of a gorilla." "I paused that movie a thousand times." "He had his legs open several times." "No, nothing, zero!" "No johnson at all in the movie." "He ain't got no fucking pants on." "You fuck around and put that johnson in that Goddamn movie... it's a whole different movie." " Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Kong." "Don't be alarmed, ladies and gentlemen." "His chains are made of iron." " [Roaring]" "[Sirens blaring]" "[Dramatic music]" "♪ ♪" "[sirens continue blaring]" "[Gunshots, screaming]" "[Animal roaring]" "[Dramatic music continues]" "♪ ♪" "[gunfire]" "[Howling]" "[Cheers and applause]" "And that is how I dooz it." "[Hip-hop music]" "♪ ♪" " ♪ That's how I dooz it, Yo, baby, I'm gangster slick ♪" " Peace, y'all." "I love y'all." "Peace and love." "I'm J.B. Smoove, y'all." "Y'all be good." "Peace and love!" "Oh!" "Ho!" "Ho!" "Y'all be good." "I love y'all!" "Peace!" "[Cheers and applause]" "Sometimes when you're done, your ass ain't done." "Yeah, that's how I dooz it, baby." "You rolling with me?" "You rolling?" "You rolling?" "We got it accomplished." "We got things done." "A lot of people don't know how you dooz it until you show them how the hell you dooz it." "And you don't even know what the hell you doing until somebody dooz it for your ass."