"Going down to South Park Gonna have myself a time" "Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation" "Going down to South Park Gonna leave my woes behind" "Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbour"" "I'm heading up to South Park Gonna see if I can't unwind" "West side." "Come on down to South Park And meet some friends of mine" "Jesus Christ, these lines are ridiculous." "I'm gonna miss my flight." "Excuse me?" "There's two other security checkpoints." "Why can't you open those, too?" " I don't know nothing." " But you work for the..." "Oh, God damn it." "Snooty Airlines announces the arrival of Flight 239 from Connecticut." "That's your cousin's flight, Kyle." "Hold the sign up nice and high" " so he can find us." " What's he look like?" "He's your age and about your height." "I'm stoked my cousin is coming to live with us." "It'll be just like having a brother." "Oh, there he is." "Over here, Kyle." "Hello, Aunt Sheila." " How was your flight?" " Oh, it was terrible." "They recycle the air onboard and it really did a number on my asthma." "I asked them to turn up the oxygen and they wouldn't." " You remember Uncle Jerry?" " Hello, Uncle Jerry." "And these are your cousins, Ike and Kyle." " Hey, dude." " Nice to meet you." "Let's get down to the baggage claim, Kyle." " Okay." " Okay." "That's right." "We've got two Kyles now." "We'll just call you Kyle and you can be Kyle Two." " Cool." " Next." "Oh, I feel like I've run a marathon." "Okay, the 2:30 flight to Cheyenne has boarded." " Looks like you didn't make it." " What?" "Well, of course I didn't make it." "The line to check in was two hours long and the security line was two hours more." "Yeah, no problem though." "We'll get you on the 7:00 a.m. Flight tomorrow morning." "I can't go tomorrow." "The Jizz Fest is tonight." "Would you like a window or an aisle seat?" "This is unbelievable." "You know, I seem to remember when the airlines said," ""We need a $15 billion bailout from the taxpayers."" "Okay, and have any of your personal items been out of your possession since you left?" "Well, we gave them the $15 billion and they fired their employees anyway." "So now we have three people to clear 400 passengers." " Hey, he's right." " Yeah." "Okay, and bags have been with you at all times?" "So where did that money go?" "I'll tell you where it went." "It went right into the pockets of the presidents and CEOs of the airlines so they could keep their multimillion-dollar salaries." " Yeah!" " Yeah!" "And here's your boarding pass for tomorrow morning." "You think you can treat us however you want because we have to fly." "Well, I'll tell you what Sally Sasalot," "I'm gonna come up with a new mode of transportation." "A brand-new vehicle that will put all you bastards out of business." " Yeah." "That's it." " You go!" "You think I can't do it?" "I got a master's degree in mechanical engineering at Denver Community College." "You watch me." "Come on, everybody." " Yeah!" " Yeah!" "Can I get on that 7:30 a.m. Flight?" "Here we go, Kyle Two." "And here's yours, Kyle." "Oh, what is this?" "Mom's special stew." "She makes it every Monday and I love it." " Oh, is this beef?" " Yeah, dude, it's great." "Oh, actually, I can't eat beef." "I have a degenerative problem with my intestinal lining and beef really gets me gas." "Oh, I'm so sorry, Kyle." "What else can I fix you?" "Oh, no, I don't want to be a bother." "Nonsense." "Can't I make you some nice pasta or a frozen fish filet?" "Well, some fish would be great, if it isn't too much trouble." "I'll put it in the microwave right away." " Mom?" " Yes, Kyle Two?" " How am I related to him again?" " He's your cousin, Kyle Two." "I told you already." "Yeah, but like first cousin or distant cousin?" "He's my sister's son, that makes him your first cousin." "So we have the same blood?" "Now, Kyle Two, listen to me." "Kyle is going through a very tough time in his life." "His mother is very sick and he's in a whole new place." "He's going to rely on you to make sure he fits in at your school." "What?" "How the hell am I supposed to do that?" " I'm sure your friends will love him." " What about Cartman, huh?" "He rips on me for being Jewish." "He's gonna tear this kid apart." " Kyle Two, he's your responsibility." " Oh, my God." "I'm sure you two will become great friends with lots of late-night pillow talk." "What do you mean?" "What room is he sleeping in?" "What's this comforter filled with?" "It isn't filled with down, is it?" "I don't know, dude." "It sure is quiet up here in the mountains and dry, too." " Do you have a humidifier?" " I don't think so." "Can you take my stupid glasses and put them on the nightstand?" "Make sure they're close by because that fish upset my stomach and I might need them if I have to go to the bathroom later on." "Okay." "It's got be simple." "Like a moped but with the ability to travel at much faster speeds." "If the design of our electrical moped were altered with..." "No." "No, no, no." "This won't work either." "What was wrong with that plan?" "It has to be more stable, Mr. Hat." "A moped would be too dangerous at those speeds." "Damn it." "Now what if the jet power of an aircraft could be scaled down into a personal vehicle?" "Boy, that Enrique Iglesias can sure gyrate his hot ass around." "Oh, Mr. Hat, will you stop drooling over Enrique Iglesias and..." "Wait a minute." "What did you say?" "I said Enrique Iglesias can sure gyrate his hot ass." "That's it." "Gyration." "A gyroscope." "It would allow for maximum balance and yet..." "Mr. Hat, you're a genius." "It's so simple and yet genius." "Check out his hot bulge, too." " Hey, dude." " What's that thing?" "Cartman, I need to talk to you." "Hello, I'm Kyle's cousin, Kyle." " Cartman, I'm going to make you a deal." " What?" "That kid over there is my cousin from the East Coast." "He's having a really hard time right now." "So I'm going to offer you $40" " to not rip on him." " Forty bucks?" "But you can't make fun of him at all." "No smartass comments, nothing." "All right, all right." "And you especially can't say anything about Jews." "Oh, Jesus, why don't you just cut off my balls?" "Cartman, no Jew jokes." "All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and you've got forty bucks." "Can you do it?" "I can't believe how cold it is out here." " Could be tough." "But I'll give it a shot." " All right." "It's a real dry cold, that's the problem." "It's the cold that makes me wheeze." "Kyle, this is Cartman." "He's my sort of friend-ish." "Oh, nice to meet you, Cartman." "You know, I saw that same jacket you're wearing at Bosco's for $29.95." "How much was yours?" "I'm just wondering if Bosco's is a rip off." " Oh, man." " Cartman." "It's nice to meet you, Kyle," "I can certainly tell you're a relative of my good friend, Kyle, here." "What the hell was that?" "What the hell was that?" "What the hell was that?" "I don't know, it was going so fast I couldn't see it." "But I want one." "Yeah, me, too." "We've done it, Mr. Hat." "Airline companies be damned." "We've invented a whole new mode of transportation." "Get some investors on the phone." "Well, what are you waiting for?" "And I know you'll all be very nice to our new student." "Kyle, why don't you tell us a little about yourself?" "Oh, well, I grew up in the city." "I really don't care for it." "I come from a Jewish family which, of course, you already know because Kyle is from the same family." "I like to read and I have these polyps on the backs of my hands." "I don't know what they are." "Oh, my God." "I'm not gonna make it." "I'm not gonna make it." "Oh, and I hope one day to be an investment banker." "Must fight it." "Need $40." "Okay, why don't you go ahead and take a seat, Kyle?" "Where should I sit?" "There's no place to sit down here." "Yes, unfortunately, the school seems to be completely out of extra desks." "So you'll just have to share with your cousin." " What?" " Oh, all right, then." "Now, let's get on with our lesson about..." "Are wooden desks all that are available?" "I usually prefer the plastic ones because these give me splinters." "I'm sorry, Kyle." "You'll just have to make do." " Now, let's get back to the..." " Is it cold in here?" "I realize we're in the mountains, but do we have to freeze to death?" "Now, Kyle, I need you to be quiet." "In my class, you need to be able to concentrate." "Concentration is the key to succeeding in my class." "Maybe we'll have to send him to concentration camp." " Oh." "Damn it!" "Damn it!" "Damn it!" " Cartman!" "Kindergarten teacher Herbert Garrison has apparently invented a new vehicle which will give the airlines a run for their money." "Mr. Garrison is putting the final touches on his top-secret device, which he simply calls IT." "So what exactly is IT?" "Here with a report is a Hispanic man with some gravy stains on his lapel." "Thanks, Tom." "Oh!" "Thanks, Tom." "So far Herbert Garrison hasn't let anyone get a look at his invention." "He claims that the vehicle is so genius and revolutionary that it could cause one's eyes to bleed if not properly prepared to see it." "But earlier today HBC news got footage of some of the country's top investors and richest people who have been invited for a first look, including Steve Forbes, Steve Jobs, Ted Turner," "Donald Trump, Bill Gates and Yasmine Bleeth." "Their curiosity is piqued, Tom, and so is ours." "What is IT?" "What does IT do and when will IT be somewhere where I can buy one?" "Reporting live, Jeff Arrando, HBC News." "You need to learn to play some sports, Kyle." "So we're going to start with a tough one called Catch the Ball." "I throw the football to you, you throw it back to me." "Oh, but isn't the cold air making the ball really hard?" "It's going to hurt my hands." " It's fine." " All right, then." "How do I catch it?" "It's a football, dude." "You just put your arms out and catch it." "All right, here we go." " Now what?" " Now throw it back to me." " But it's down in the snow." " So dig it out." "But I'll get snow on my gloves and then it will melt and I'll have wet hands." " Well, then we'll dry them off." " All right, then." " Oh, my God." " Kyle, Kyle!" "I just found out that in World War II, some Jewish people were sent to concentration camps." "Yeah, they were, Cartman." "Oh, and, see, I didn't realize that." "But I understand now how you might have thought that what I said in the classroom was a racial slur." " But, see, I had no idea." " You did, too." "You are so full of crap." "No, seriously." "Because I was talking to Craig and Craig was all like," ""Hey, did you know that in World War II they really had concentration camps?"" "And I was all like, "No way."" "And this little light went on in my head, like, "Oh, man, no wonder Kyle thought that what I said in the class," ""see, was directed at his cousin."" "But I was literally talking about a concentration camp." "You know, where you go for a week to learn and focus." "Oh, man, what a misunderstanding, huh?" "You blew the deal, Cartman." " God damn it!" "Give me another chance." " Nu-uh." "I knew you were going to make fun of my lame cousin." "So I offered you the forty bucks not to rip on him." " You ripped on him, deal's off." " You did what?" " Oh, no." " Serves you right, asshole." "You paid your friends to not make fun of me?" "Look, it's not because anything's wrong with you." "Wow." "You think it takes $40 to get people to like me?" " Kyle, I'm sorry." " Because I mean I really think" " you could've done it for about $12.50." " What?" "Well, I mean you didn't just start at 40, did you?" "You gotta lowball these things" " so you have a place to go." " Dude." "Boy, it sure is dry out here." "Gentlemen, imagine being able to travel safely at incredibly fast speeds, and not having to go to the stupid, fart-face airports." "That sounds incredible, Mr. Garrison." "It is incredible, Mr. Hat." "And what makes it possible, is its patented gyroscope design." "Gentlemen, I give you IT." " Nice." " Sleek." "IT gets over 300 miles to the gallon, and is safely capable of speeds of over 200 miles per hour." "Wow." " This will change everything." " We're going to have to rethink cities." "Now, IT is easily operated using four flexi grip handles." "Two of them are on each side." "Left side for throttle, right side for steering." "The third flexi grip is gently inserted into the anus to keep the driver in place." "There we go." "Now the final flexi grip is directly in front of the driver so that its small switches can be operated with the mouth." "As such." "Put the four together, and we're ready to go." " Oh, my God." " Look at it go." "But the way it works, do you really think people will go through that to travel?" "Hey, it still beats what you go through at the airports." " True." " That's true." "I can't take it any more, Stan." "My cousin's been here for two weeks and he's driving me insane." "I know, dude." "Every kid in school wants to kick his ass." "I've spent five years in this town making a good name for Jews, and this stereotype shows up and wrecks it all." "You know what my biggest fear is?" "That I'll become him." "That somehow his mannerisms will start rubbing off on me, and I'll become a stereotype." "I mean, I'm a Jew and he's making me hate Jews." "Dude, a self-hating Jew." "You are becoming a stereotype." " You see?" " I'm back." "Later, dude." "Tom, the day is finally here." "IT has arrived for retail sale and people are getting their first look at it." "Okay, good." "Just step through here." "And then this is your steering and here's your throttle." "Okay." "Okay, now you're just gonna feel a little pinch." "It's all right, it's just locking you in." "You can take it." "Doing great, Kathy." "How's that ride?" "Okay, now use your mouth to operate the turn signals and you're off." "Great." "Who else wants to give it a spin?" " Oh, man, is that the IT?" " Yeah." "How is it?" "Well, it beats dealing with the airline companies, that's for sure." "I don't know about this, guys." "I think sleds are dangerous." "Look, Kyle, sledding is something all kids out here do." " You've got to learn." " It seems like" "I might get splinters, though." "Remember, just hold on." "No matter how long the sledding run lasts, hold on." "Hold on, I see." "Oh, Jesus!" "This sled is going fast!" " Hang on!" " I have to watch out for my glasses." "Oh, it's so cold." "Oh, Jesus!" "How far do you think it is to Connecticut?" " It's at least a couple hours." " Think he'll be all right?" "He's fine." "Are you tired of corporate airline companies treating you like a worthless sardine?" "Tired of ridiculous lines and horrible security at airports?" "But now there is an alternative to airline travel." "IT." "IT has taken the country by storm and already two million have been sold." "Never have another important business trip ruined by airline incompetence." "Hey, ladies, how did you get to the Grand Canyon?" "Hoveround." "IT comes in sizes available for the entire family." "Here you go, Robbie." "Hello, I'm John Travolta." "I used to rely on airlines to get me to set." "But once I got used to IT, I found it to be a little less painful than dealing with the airline companies." "I just power up the flexi grips..." "And I'm ready to go." "Thank you, IT." "So join the millions of Americans who have found a little bit more comfortable way of travelling." "Order yours today and remember our slogan," "IT's better than flying!" "That looks pretty gay." " Kyle Two, where is Kyle?" " I don't know, Ma." " Last time I saw him he was sledding." " Where on earth could he be?" "You know, it's possible he just went back to Connecticut." " What?" " Well, I mean, maybe he got so worried about his mom that he found a way to get back and see her." "Don't be ridiculous, Kyle Two." "He's out playing with his new friends." "I'm just throwing it out there as a possibility." "I'm back." "I'm sorry, you must have been worried sick." "I got your sled tangled up with a bus." " A bus?" "Really?" " Kyle, what happened to you?" "I was just sledding and, the next thing I knew, my sled rope got tangled with a bus." "I got dragged for over 100 miles before the bus finally stopped for gas." "I'm sorry about your sled, Kyle." "Oh, no." "Don't worry about it, dude." "Oh, you poor thing." "Come upstairs and we'll get you out of those wet clothes." "Are you all right?" "Oh, my ears feel like they're frozen off, and I think I have a hemorrhoid from sitting on that sled for so long." "We're in the money, Mr. Hat We're in the money, Mr. Hat" "Oh, hi, Jimbo." "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I wanted to order that theft alarm for my IT." "Oh, right, right." "Take a seat." "Oh, that's okay, I'll stand." "What do you think, Mr. Marsh?" "All set to put down a down payment on that baby?" "Well, yeah, but I just had one question about the way it works." " Sure." " Well, it seems all the buttons on these front and rear flexi grips are also found on the side of the vehicle." " Yeah." " Well, so they don't really do anything." "Right." "So then couldn't I just order one that works without going in and out of my ass and mouth?" "Well, I guess you could." " What's that?" " Wait, what did he say?" "I don't know about this, guys." "I think playing hide-and-seek in the airport might be dangerous." "Kyle, we told you." "Kids in Colorado all play hide-and-seek at the airport." "Yeah, as soon as we get to the concourse, you'll see how fun it is." "This is taking too long." "The flight to Connecticut is gonna leave." "Hey!" "Can we speed things up here?" "Sorry, but ever since that IT thing came out, the airlines have had to cut back on employees." "Dude, we're the only ones here." "How long does it take to get five people through security?" "Let's see." "Four people plus..." "Times..." "Divided..." "Two hours domestic, three hours international." "Can't we just play hide-and-seek at home?" "No!" "What's this?" "A toe-nail clipper." "Die, terrorist!" "Oh, Jesus!" " See, we do these checks for a reason." " This is ridiculous." "Come on." "Okay, Cartman, you're it." "Start counting." " One, two, three, four..." " Here, Kyle." "You hide in here." "In there?" "But it's very confined." "I'll get cramps in my legs." " Just get in the box." " All right, then." "Oh, would you look at that?" "I've got a corn on my ankle." "Now, where did that one come from?" "That's the fourth one I've had." "These corns are killing me." " I hope he doesn't suffocate." " He's fine." "Yeah, he'll be way better off back home." "Oh, Jesus, this box is going fast." "Oh, I did it again." "Excuse me, what the hell are you doing?" " It's all right, we're with the government." " We're just shutting you down." " Shutting me down?" "Why?" " The airlines are in desperate trouble." "Your vehicle is causing them to lose money." "Yeah, well, that was the point, dingleberry." "Put that down." "Right, so the government is bailing the airlines out again by shutting you down and making its illegal." "Oh, God damn it!" "You better be kidding." "Sir, many people work for the airlines." "We can't let them all be fired." "The airline companies are losing money because of their own incompetence and their own inefficiency." "That may be true." "But if you build, sell or ride another IT, it will be the last time." "Have a nice night." "Airline mother..." "You pieces of..." "Suck my..." "Oh, it's been days." "Where could he be?" "I don't know, Ma." "It's like he vanished into thin air." "I'm going to call the police again." "Kyle Two, go down to the playground and look there." "I already checked the playground, Ma." "I told you he isn't really..." " I'm back." " Kyle, you're back!" "Yeah, it was the craziest thing." "I hid myself on a plane to Antarctica." "Oh, it was so dry down there." "So, dude, did Cartman's idea work?" "No, I tried getting my cousin lost in the woods," " but a stupid bear brought him home." " Damn." "I just have to face facts that I'm going to live with my crappy cousin forever." "Well, Kyle, I gotta go." " What?" " Yeah." " I've got to get back to Connecticut." " Now that things have changed for Kyle," " his mother needs him back." " Do you promise?" "I mean, oh, that's too bad, dude." "Well, what changed for you?" "Well, I invested in that IT thing and there was a bailout." "So I received a five million dollar bailout clause cheque, which I can use to help my family." "So I guess, goodbye, cousin." "Okay." "See you, cousin." "Hope to see you soon." " Not too soon I hope." " Yeah!" "Five million dollars?" "Dude, dude, dude, you have five million dollars?" "Yeah." "I don't know what to do with it, though." "Well, see you." "Wait." "Kyle, this may sound crazy, but I think you should stay." " Yeah." " Really?" "Yeah, you see, I've learnt something today." "Sometimes people have trouble fitting in at school and..." "Let's see, what did I learn about it?" "What did I learn about that?" "I learnt that you shouldn't judge somebody because they..." "No, wait." "No, that was good." "What were you gonna say?" "Listen, guys, I appreciate you wanting me around, but the fact of the matter is, well," " you guys are just kind of douche bags." " What?" "I mean, you people are all just such hick, jock rednecks." "It's like you're right out of a stereotype catalogue." "I can't take it." "See you." "Dude." "Weak." "Good job, Jew."