"When dancing, lost in techno trance... (!" "Pounding techno)" "..arms flailing, gawky Bez." "'Then find you snagged on frowns 'and slowly it dawns, 'you're jazzing to the bleep tone of a life-support machine" "'that marks the steady fading 'of your day-old baby daughter." "(Echoing) 'And when midnight sirens lead to blue-flash road mash, 'stretchers, covered heads 'and slippy red macadam 'and find you creeping 'neath the blankets 'to snuggle close a mangle bird, 'hoping soon you too will be freezer-drawered...'" "Then welcome." "Mmm... uu chemotherapy wig." "Welcome." "In jam." "(Distorted) Jam." "(Pitch lowered) Jam." "(Piercingly distorted) Jam." "(Extremely distorted) Jam." "(Very slow, mechanised) Jaaaaaam." "It's about Ryan." "Oh. ln trouble, is he?" "Well, he isn't, it's more..." "Martin." "Martin?" "I've got into a bit of a mess, Max." "Mess?" "And we felt because you are Ryan's godfather... you could help." "(Max) Right." "Take my place for a bit." ""Take your place"?" "You see, Ryan met this guy Dave at the pub." "We had...pretty strong suspicions about Dave." "He's a bit, er..." "You know." "Oh." "And we really didn't want Ryan going that way." "Oh, no." "So, er, I went to the pub and met Dave to take his mind off of Ryan." "Mm-hm." "Um, ended up...having to..." "Yeah?" "..bend over for him." ""Bend over"?" "(Woman) ln bed." "Bend over in bed." "(Martin) Keep him away from Ryan." "Oh." "It's been going on for six months now." "More than three times a day at weekends." "I need a break, Max." "If you could take over for me, just for a couple of weeks." "(Exhales) lf you drink quite a lot, it's not so bad." "And he gives you this sniffing stuff which, er, makes it easier." "Well..." "I really don't know." "(Woman) I've been doing my bit too, Max." " You?" " Making sure about Ryan... and ladies." "(Martin) Anne's been going to bed with Ryan disguised as a younger lady." "(Anne) He doesn't know it's me." "I wear a crop top and we meet in the dark." "He thinks I'm a prostitute." "Oh, my... (Anne) Only I know it's me." "Can you help, Max?" "Er..." "Er, well... I guess, er..." "(Martin, sighing) Thanks, Max." "(Anne) Yeah, thanks, Max." "If you come upstairs I'll... I'll show you some of the things he does." "Oh." "(Slow, distorted) 'The day Kilroy 'lost his mind." "'Mind." "(Breaking up) 'Mind.'" "'Take care of each other." "(Looping) 'Take care of each other." "Take care of each other." "'Take care of each other." "Take care of each other." "(Echoing) 'Take care of each other." "Take care of each other." "(Warping) 'Take care of each other." "Take care of each other.'" "Thanks." "Thank you, nurse." "How is that?" "Yes." "I'm sorry, there's no easy way to say this but your condition really is very serious." "What?" "You won't have realised this at the moment but you're in a coma." " A coma?" " Yes." "(Doctor) 'l first diagnosed symptomless coma three years ago 'and since then the number of cases has been steadily increasing.'" " l haven't even got a headache." " Very characteristic of the early stages." "'Obviously parents have a lot of difficulty 'coming to terms with symptomless coma.'" "(Muffled) I think I'd like to get out, mum." "You what, love?" "I want to get out, mum." "He's asking us to leave him alone." "They get very tired." " He doesn't want to get out?" " No, he wants us to go." " Dad?" " Yes, son?" "I think we better go before he gets upset." "Couldn't we just...?" "He's likely to become a fool to himself." "Dad?" "All right." "We best go, then." "Take care." " (Muffled groaning)" " Bye, love." "See you soon." " (Muffled grunting)" " Bye-bye." "Bye-bye." "Nurse, could you double the benzodiazepine, please?" "(Doctor) 'To watch a patient...'" "(Monitor) '..back of your neck.'" "(Doctor) '..in a state of unavoidable decline... 'runs against every instinct I have." "'When the dreadful day comes 'l try and make things as easy as possible for the family." "'Even then their hopes can be very unrealistic.'" " Bye-bye." " (Moaning)" "Oh, did he feel that?" "No, he didn't." "I'm afraid it was just a reaction." "But he moved." "I'm sure he felt something." "If he felt anything, it would only have been excruciating pain." "'Sadly, there's no likelihood of a cure in the foreseeable future." "'l hope that one day there will be a cure 'but until that day, 'many more young people are going to die." "'And I'll have to do this job 'again...and again... 'and again.'" "Day before yesterday I picked me car up from the garage." "Geezer says, "Over there, mate."" "And I look - l cannot bloody believe it." "The car is only four foot long!" "I said, "What's this?" He goes, "lt's your car."" ""What do you mean it's my fucking car?"" ""lt was like that when you brought it in."" "I said, "Don't fuck me about, how did I drive that?" "It's only 2'6" tall!"" "He goes, "You must've put on some weight."" "Then the manager comes out - "What the fuck's goin' on?"" "I said, "l paid for this." He goes, "What's wrong with it?"" ""What do you fucking mean?" "Look at the size of it!" ""lt's only about four fucking foot long!" "What've you done?" "!"" "He says, "That's how it came in." ""l remember it cos l used to have one meself."" ""A fucking four-foot Vauxhall?" "Oh fucking yes(!" ")"" "I said, "ls that what I have to drive away?"" "And he said, "lt's your car, take it or leave it, it's up to you."" "So I had to fucking squeeze into it, didn't I?" "Fucking knees round me ears in this four-fucking-foot car that's only 2'6" tall!" "I mean, what am I?" "Fucking Noddy?" "!" "Fucking Noddy?" "!" "'l realised shortly after my 46th birthday 'that I wasn't going to get a wife 'and, erm, I'd messed up a couple of chances earlier on in my life.'" "So I decided, erm, I'd marry myself." "I'd do it alone." "(Vicar) He has declared his marriage by the giving and receiving of a ring." "I therefore proclaim him...husband." "'lt was really lovely. lt was very nice.'" "Here you go - watch out!" "It was...memorable." "Sometimes, er, I meet a woman or a...a young girl I find I get along with well or might meet and go out sometimes or meet them at work and sometimes I think, "Oh, I could've married her."" "But, um... I'm..." "I'm really very happy." "(!" "Ambient soundtrack)" "(Man) 'Um, it's a niche business." "'We specialise in providing thick people 'for jobs that they're particularly good at.'" "Arguments." "Thick people are very good at winning arguments because they're too thick to realise that they've lost." "(Woman) I've come to pick up a black Lexus." "Right." "'Rowena's particularly thick." "'She's one of our top earners 'and she's very good with officials." "'She fails to grasp anything, 'least of all that she's being thick.'" "So it's not your car, madam?" "No, I'm picking it up for Mr Hunter." "I'm not Mr Hunter." "(Tapping on keyboard)" "OK. lf you fill that form in for me and that'll be £165, please." "It's worth more than that." "It's worth about £12,000." "No, £165 is the fine you have to pay." "I don't see why I should pay £165 when Mr Hunter's already paid £12,000." "No, you're not..." "I know Mr Hunter owns the car but it was parked in a restricted area." "Right." " Do you know what a restricted area is?" " No." "It's an area where there are parking meters, right?" "Do you know what parking meters are?" "Yes, I know what a parking meters are." "Right." "Your Mr Hunter's parking meter was over time." "He hasn't got a parking meter." " The one he was at." " He was at a meeting." "But his car was at a parking meter and he didn't put enough money in it." "He puts his money in the car." "He should've put it in the parking meter." "No, he puts it in a tray." "I'm saying he didn't put enough money in the parking meter." "And I just said he puts his money in the car." "Not the car - l'm talking about the parking meter, all right?" " What?" " He didn't put enough money in." "It's not a parking meter, it's a car!" "I know it's a fucking car, you stupid woman!" " For Christ's sake...!" " (Man, unclear)" "(indistinct)" "All right, madam, you can take the car." "Off you go, it's yours." " l can take the car?" " Yes." " Hm." "Thank you very much." " Right." "You didn't have to shout at me like that." "Yeah, could you leave, please?" "(Rowena) 'Do you do car washes at all?" "'" "(Official) 'Go away.'" "(Rowena) 'Just it's got quite dusty.'" "(Man) 'He'd been standing there for a good ten minutes, 'just staring straight ahead of him.'" "Then suddenly he swung his leg over the parapet and, er... dropped off." "He hit the ground very hard, lay there stunned for a second and then... dragged himself to his feet and went back inside." "About 30 seconds he reappeared again, hurled himself off headfirst," "landed on his chin." "Got up again, staggered about, went inside... came out again onto the balcony, dived off... and did it again and again... and again - he just kept on going." "'l couldn't hear anything though the window was open until...'" "The wind must have changed and I could tell that he was sobbing in quite a wretched way" "and after about 20 jumps there must have been 15 people just staring at him." "Nobody was raising a finger." "Didn't seem appropriate, really." "He seemed locked into a very private act." "Towards the end they had to help him inside because he was quite badly broken up." "I don't think he couldn't have made it up the stairs by himself." "Then after about 40 jumps... he just...didn't get up any more." "Apparently somebody asked him what he was doing and he... he said he wanted to jump 40 times off a first-floor balcony rather than off the top of a tall building in case he decided to change his mind at any point." "But clearly he didn't." "(!" "Minnie Ripperton:" "Loving You)" "!" "La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la" "!" "La-la-la-la-la la-la la-la-la" "!" "Dooten-dooten-do-doo" "!" "Ahh-ahh ahh-ah-ahh" "!" "La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la" "!" "La-la-la-la-la la-la la-la-la" "!" "Dooten-dooten-do-doo" "!" "Ahh-ahh ahh-ah-ahh" "!" "La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la" "!" "La-la-la-la-la la-la la-la-la" "!" "Dooten-dooten-do-doo" "!" "Ahh-ahh ahh-ah-ahh !" "(Couple arguing)" "Lucy, Lucy, look, I've done a stupid thing, OK?" "Bloody right you have!" "Honestly, it was nothing!" " Oh, fuck off, Simon!" " Look, I love you." "I bet you said the same to her." " l don't give a fuck about her!" " Expect me to believe that?" "!" "It was the spur of the moment." "It meant nothing!" "Nothing?" "!" "Oh... I didn't even know her name, for God's sake!" "So how come Lana saw you snogging on the pavement?" " She said that?" " Yes." "That's bollocks, Lucy!" "Cos my hand was over her mouth!" " So?" " So... I didn't even get one kiss off the woman." "Because I was bloody raping her." "(Simon) See?" " Really?" " l'd never even met her before." "I was out of there as soon as I'd done it." "I'm not gonna see her again, am I?" " Promise?" " What am I, some kind of nut?" " Oh!" " Come here!" "(Lucy) Sorry. I'm sorry." "(Lucy) Sorry." "(Knock at door)" "(Slow, stretched) Come in." "Ahh, good morning." "Do come in." " Have a seat." " Thanks." "So, what seems to be the trouble?" "It's my leg." "Um... lt's really painful." "Just there." "Hm." "Right." "Does that hurt?" "That's your leg." "(Doctor) Yes." "Yes, it is, isn't it?" "It's much nicer than yours." "Could you leave me alone now, please?" "This isn't right, you know." "I know." "(Stretched, pitched down) Bye." "(Echoing) 'When roped to concrete 'and noose your bauble 'for car-powered head divorce.'" "(Slowed-down speech effect)" "(Mouthing)" "'Then find your scheme all twunted by a Honda." "'And when all your taxi journeys come to this.'" "(Slow, distorted) Taxi?" "Er, could I...?" "(Mouths) ln the boot?" "I prefer to travel in the boot." " Really?" " Feels safer." "Well...all right, er..." "'Then welcome." "'Mmmm." "'Ooh, astonishing sod ape, welcome... 'in jam.'" "(All, distorted) Jam!" "Jam!" "(Slowing down) Jam!" "Jam!" "(Heavily distorted and very slow) Jam!" "(Metallic shrieking) Jaaaaaam!" "(Woman) You're really doing well, that's wonderful." "How's the epidural?" "Better, isn't it?" " (Long, regular, deep breaths)" " Good girl." " (Mother-to-be straining)" " She's doing very well." " How long do you think now?" " Could be any time now." "Baby's head's nearly through." "That's it, keep going, good girl." "I'll, er, just be getting my birth kit ready." "(Mother-to-be panting hard)" "That's it, that's it." "(Panting and straining continues)" "(Mother-to-be) lt's coming!" "(Straining) I think it's coming, Brian!" "I think it's coming." "(Yells)" " (Baby crying) - l think I've had the baby!" " (Vigorous grunting)" " Brian?" "(Moaning and slapping flesh)" "(Squealing and gasping)" " (Knocking)" " Come in." " Morning, Doctor." " Morning." " Paul Coffee?" " Yeah." "Now, spread your glutes." "So...what seems to be the problem?" "I've done all these muscles under my arm" " lifting a crate awkwardly." " Hm?" "It was all right till this morning but I can't move this shoulder now." " Right. lt's just around there, is it?" " Yeah." "I see." "Well, I think what I'm going to do is, I'm going to do this over the phone, all right?" "Just wait here while I go next door." "I'll ring through and you answer the phone, OK?" "Um, all right, then." "Right, I'll speak to you in a moment." " (Phone rings next door)" " Good, Paul." "Now, tell me again exactly where the pain is." " (Muffled voice through wall)" " Could you hang on a moment?" "Look, er, could you keep your voice down?" "There's no point in me doing this over the phone if I can hear you through the door, is there?" " Er, no." " Just speak a little bit more quietly." "(Door closes)" "Now, when did this start?" "Look, I'm sorry, this isn't a very good line." "Could you ring me back?" "Yep, it's 302." "Thanks." "(Rings)" "Hello, Barn Green Health Centre." "Sorry, who is this?" "Paul Coffee?" "Well, I can't see you now, I'm with a patient." "Look, is this an emergency?" "Well, come in on Thursday morning, then." "Er, hello?" " Doctor?" " Hang on, I'm on the phone." " l just wondered if..." " Could you wait through there?" "I'm sorry about that." "Now..." "Hello?" "Ah, there you are." "Erm, ten o'clock on Thursday, all right?" "OK, I'll see you then." "And go through reception next time, I'm not the secretary." "All right, bye." "Right, so... what's the story?" " l've gotta come back Thursday." " l'll see you then." "Right..." " Doctor, is there no way..." " Ten o'clock?" "(Paul) Right. (Sighs)" " But..." " Yes?" " Nothing." " All right." " Good morning, sir." " Morning." " Morning, Mr Ventham." " Morning." "Please take a seat, he'll be with you shortly." "Right." "Thank you." "Mr Ventham's waiting for you." "Thanks." "(Mumbling) Erm..." "Quite, erm..." " That's quite a nice, erm..." " Sorry?" "I said tha-that's...erm, that's..." "on the-the balcony, there, it-it's, erm..." "Sorry, I can't hear you." "I was, I was..." "Erm, I was just saying, there's, erm, quite a pretty dove on the balcony there." "It's gone now." "Yes, I can't see anything there now." "No-No, it's, er, gone now..." "Which is, er, quite a pity, because, erm... (Woman) Hmm." "(Ventham) Oh, dear." "Shall I..." "Shall I sit down again?" "Yes, he'll be with you shortly." "Yes, it's, erm...a great shame..." " a shame to have missed it..." " (Phone)" " Hmm." " (Woman) OK, thanks." "He's ready for you now, Mr Ventham." "Right, thank you." "That's, er..." " Ah, Mr Ventham." " Morning." "Good morning, sir." " How could I help you?" " lt's about this Saturday evening." " Yes?" " l'm not quite sure what to do." "Right." "Well, a pleasant option might be to call up a couple of friends, meet up in a nice pub and maybe go and see a play." " All right, sir?" " (Meekly) Yes, thanks." " Not at all." "Anything else, sir?" " No, thanks." " Shall I put that on account?" " Yes, please." "Of course, sir." "Help yourself to a finger bell if you like, sir." "Oh, thanks." "Always handy to dispel a nasty silence." " (Tinkling)" " Yes, indeed." " Right, well, thanks very much." " Not at all, sir, goodbye." "Goodbye." " (Woman) Bye, Mr Ventham." " Yes, erm..." "Did you, by any chance, see the dove again?" " No." " Oh, right." "Pity. lt's, erm..." " Goodbye." " Goodbye." " Goodbye, sir." " Goodbye." " Lovely bell, sir." " Thank you very much." " Good choice for the ladies." " Mmm, it's er..." "(Slowed-down, distorted howls of pain)" "As an actress I've seen the gush up close and it's not pretty." "Guy gets locked into an ejaculation and doesn't stop until he's dead." "(Dutch accent) For me right now I think the biggest problem - my biggest fear - is the gush." "First person who ever got the gush was Dean Dorsey, and I've seen the clip and...he's doing the snot shot." "And, er, suddenly there's just like a look of panic on his face." " Oh, God!" " (Woman screaming)" "He's staring down at his prick and he's whimpering," ""Oh, my God", like a sad-voiced freaky clown." "With the tears in his voice, but they are not there. lt is tragic." "(Actress) Oh, they tried throwing ice on his balls, they tried to destimulate him with a dog carcass but... the guy just kept popping the protein." "(Dutch man) 'The next guy was Mickey Vunglenger, 'who got the gush filming Room Nation 7.' lt took him three days to die, all the while he was frying the fuck juice and when they weighed his body it was maybe 20 kilos," "which is no more than two or three squirrels." "(Actress) 'A guy with the gush is in big demand 'for cream scenes all over town." "There are agents for it.'" "Trying to cram in as many jobs as possible before the spunk turns red." "It comes out red and then goes black, and you better make sure you're not piling the pearls into St Peter's dress!" "Because, er, in the reality perception it is tragic." "There is no way of laughing at this with your own cock." "This is why I will only do softcock now, which is where you push it in with the thumb or a little spatula called a winklepoker, and it is flaccid." " Big soft dick." " Oh, soft cock, oh..." "And a soft cock is no fun, it is like trying to tighten up a screw with a maggot." "And when you have to stay soft as a mouse in a big sexy twat...it is tricky." "'But, in the end, it is better than clutching your nuts - 'everybody pulling out guns for a mercy clipping - 'and all your intestines is mushed out through your balls.'" "(Gasping and screaming, echoing)" "Hello, Martina." "How are you?" "All right?" "I'm not." "(Sobbing) I've got you one last present, Martina - there it is - so you can watch yourself getting it... over and over again." "Keep watching, just keep watching." "I'm coming, Martina, I'm coming." "Here I come - keep watching, Martina." " (Shouts) Martina!" "Martina!" " (Metal clanging)" " (Motor starts)" " Bob?" " l'm coming back, Martina!" " Bob!" " (Yelping, squelching) - (Screaming)" "(Bob laughing madly, groaning ecstatically)" "(Robotic voice) Yesterday, we saw Richard Madeley" "beating up a cleaner and later being apprehended" "for fucking a coffee machine." "(Knocking)" " Hello?" " (Man) Ah, Mrs Cahill?" "Robin Lomax. I've come about the boiler." "(Mrs Cahill) Ah, yes, come in." " Thank you very much." " He's just upstairs." " Sorry, "he" is upstairs?" " lt shouldn't take long." "He's only three weeks old, it's not at all much, is it?" "Er, what do you mean "he"?" "My son Matthew, his room's just at the top of the stairs." " l've come about the boiler." " Did I say boiler?" " Yeah." " Oh, I'm sorry, I meant baby." "Baby?" "Yes, please." "The doctor won't do anything, says he's dead or something but I know he can be mended." "It's just tubes, really, and I'm sure you'd have a go." "Mrs Cahill, I can't fix a baby, I'm just a plumber..." "Yes!" "And so you're good at mending." "You fixed the taps, you must be able to do something for him." " Yeah, I fixed the taps..." " They've never dripped since." "I'm sure you can - what's more important, a baby or a tap?" " That's not really the point." " He's so young, only three weeks, they're meant to last longer, my sister's had one for years." "He only stopped four days ago, my husband will be so pleased, he says he'll leave if I keep on about the tubes." "I'm sure there's something you can do for £1 ,000 an hour." " For what?" " £1 ,000 an hour." "Couldn't you try for three hours at £1 ,000 an hour?" " Well..." " Two or three hours?" " At £1 ,000 an hour?" " Yes." "Well, l-l could have a look..." "Yes, just pop up and fix him, I'm sure you can." " l'll get my tools." " Thank you so much." " l'm not promising..." " No, but you'll do your best." " Well, I..." " God bless you, Mr Robin Lomax!" " Mrs Cahill." " Oh, is he better?" "You'd better come and..." "Matty!" "It's Mum." "(Lomax) He's not quite..." "He's changed a bit." " Hello, darling!" "Mummy's here." " (Steam rushing)" "He's nice and warm." "I've channelled the heating through him." "Th-There's a tap on the side there." "See?" "Just there..." "Tap?" "I've never seen a tap as smart as that!" " Attached to the header tank." " (Mrs Cahill cooing) lt should make the, er, plughole in his mouth gurgle when you turn it on." "(Mrs Cahill) Oh, yes!" " l'll just, er..." " Going to gurgle?" " (Gurgling)" " Oh, a gurgle!" "I think, er, I think I'll get off now, Mrs Cahill." " Oh...thank you." " Thank you." " Thank you so much." " Thanks, bye." "(Cheerily) Bye!" "Come on, Matty..." "Ooh, you're hot!" "Yes, you are!" "Because of your pipes, because of those smart pipes." "I think Dad will like the pipes, I think he'll like them a lot." "I don't think he'll go when he sees your pipes, will he?" "(Gunman) 20 Benson  Hedges!" " Careful!" " (Cash register beeps)" "Do you want the change?" "Of course I want the change, what do you think the gun's for?" "For the cigarettes." "Hm?" "You didn't have to pay for the cigarettes." "Well, give me my money back, then." "How much was the change?" "Er, you don't need to give me the change." "The gun?" " (Sniffs)" " What's the matter?" "I can't feel my cock." "(Man) I'm 46 years old, I've, erm, had a very successful career." "I've got a wonderful marriage, two delightful children, and, erm... I've decided that, since life is so good and it can't possibly get any better, to have my funeral service and burial now," "while I'm in my prime." "'Erm, it's much better than the usual way of doing things." "'l hope to have a very joyful, happy service." "'Some of my friends will get up and deliver a humorous eulogy 'which I'll be there to enjoy." "'l'll be playing some of my favourite songs...'" "(Along to tape) !" "Baby, the sweetest" "!" "Lovin' you !" "'When the time comes, I shall be lowered down into my grave 'and I'll have a microphone and loudspeakers rigged up, 'so that I can reassure my wife and children, 'who may be feeling somewhat anxious," "'and I'll be able to sing to them from underground.'" "!" "Abide with me... !" "'And slowly I shall drift off into unconsciousness 'and pass over in my prime.'" "(Weakly) !" "..when other helpers fail and comforts flee" "!" "Help of the helpless, Lord" "(Out of breath) !" "Abide with me... !" "(Panting and gasping)" "(Gasping continues)" "'When walk to work all swig-faced, 'six months since you clowned it up 'and old friends cross the street 'and no one pays you any heed 'except... 'the dung-breathed men... 'who often now will pick you up..." "'and van you to the Fens to wrestle pigs.'" "(Wind instruments piping eerily)" "Then welcome." "Mmm." "Ooh-heh." "Welcome." "In jam." " (Screeching) Jam!" " Jam." " (Metallic squealing) Jam!" " Jam." " Jam!" " Jam." "Jam." "(Screaming, distorted) Jaaaaam!" "(Slowed-down cow-like grunting)" "(Fades)" "Well, what usually happens is he comes to the front door and he rings the bell" "and I go to open the door and I say, "Why don't you use your key?"" "And he says he's lost it and I ask him why and he says he's been gang raped... you know, by a bunch of street poofs." "And then he says he's bleeding and I say, "Oh, my God, take your trousers off," ""let's have a look."" "So he takes his trousers off to show me... and by then I'm... very ready." "You know... aching for a fuck." "(Childish chuckling)" " (Knock at door)" " Come in." " (Door opens)" " Ah, morning." " (Man) Morning." " Have a seat and sit down." " Thank you." " Now, what seems to be the problem?" "Well, I've had this headache for about two weeks now," " er, pretty constant." " Mm-hm." "My sinuses are blocked." " lt also goes round the back." " Right." "Erm, and I feel dizzy quite a lot." " How are your ears?" " Erm...they're OK." "Right." "And how big is your wanger?" "Er..." "Sorry?" "I'll need to look at your old chap." " Oh, really?" " Yeah, get it out." "Let's have a look." " ls it something to do with it?" " Oh, yes." "Well...it's not bad." "Do you mind if I just, er...?" "Ooh, hm, yes, good weight." "Erm..." "Yes, good density." "is this, erm...?" "Yes." "Erm, could you swing it about a bit?" "What?" "Swing your hips, make it slap against your thighs." "Yes, good." "Good, solid mass." "Er, double the speed." "(Slapping)" "Yes..." "Doctor, l-l'm not sure that this is.... (Doctor) Er, now, mine, look." "Doctor... lt's nice but...it's not the same." "Kind of more slinky." "Erm, could I stop now, please?" "Oh, no, keep going." "This is quite important." "Er, you understand what I'm doing here?" "No." "I'm piecing together a holistic puzzle." "Oh." "Just keep that going." "Sarah, could you ask Dr Basingstoke to pop through?" "Thanks." " Can I stop now?" " No." "No, keep going." "Or, tell you what, jump up and down." "Wow, yes, that is powerful." "Do that too much and it'll swing right up your arse." "I can get mine to swing up my arse, look." " Ah, Alison." " Oh, no." "Not again." "Look at us." "Keep going." " Michael." " Synchronised cocks." "Michael, stop this." " We have the same lob rate." " Michael." " A harmony of knobs." " Michael!" " Now, stop it!" " Really?" " But it's great." " No, it's not great." "I'm sorry about this." "Put your things back on." "Right. ls this not necessary?" "Yes." "Sort of..." " Not particularly." " Oh." "You too, please, Michael." "(Alison) Pants first." "(Michael) Bloody hell." " Right, erm, it's Nick, isn't it?" " Nick Foster." "(Alison) Go next door and they'll get you another appointment." "Right." "Michael, this has got to stop." " Has it?" " Yes." "It really has." "Yeah." "You're right." "If you want to talk, I've always got time." "Yeah." "Thanks, Alison." " See you later." " Yep." " Alison?" " Yes?" "I've probably got three more goes at this before I get reported?" " No!" " Please?" " No." " Please?" " Two." " Thanks." "(Woman) 'Very recently my landlord doubled the rent here." "'l spoke to the council and they said there's nothing I can do.'" "So, erm, I've decided to lower the value of this place to get my landlord where it hurts." "And, erm..." "Vandalising it would have been too obvious so I've been lowering the value of property throughout Kilburn, generally." "'l've spread grease around, erm... 'l go to breakers yards and drain the car sumps 'and boil that up with water, 'make a sump oil mayonnaise 'and then smear it all over the place at night.'" "And I've heard someone say," ""Nice houses in Kilburn but it's a bit greasy."" "'Erm... 'lt's pretty easy to break into hospital bins 'and...steal bags full of used dressings." "'lt makes an area read rather badly 'if it's covered in pussy rags - very demoralising.'" "Probably the best thing I've done... is, erm, I've got a sausage griddle, outside the tube station, and I fry turds on it." "'l think it must be working 'because I've been threatened with eviction.'" "And either way I would win because either the houses drop in value or I move out of the area anyway." "So..." "I can't lose." " (Man) Mr Riley?" " Yeah." " l've come about the TV." " Yeah, right." "Come in." "Thank you." "Brand-new one, is it?" " Yes." " But not working?" "Oh, it's working but it's full of lizards." " Lizards?" " Yeah." "Have a look." " Man's come to fix the telly, love." " About time, it's a bloody mess." "It'll need a replacement." " Hm...no." " No?" "(Repairman) Seems to be set up properly." "But what about the lizards?" "It's a, er, it's a good picture." "I'm not having a TV pouring lizards into my house." "Well, you see, they're not really anything to do with me." "Yes, they are." "It's a brand-new television, it's not supposed to have lizards in it." "Well, you see, it doesn't say anything about lizards." "Of course it bloody doesn't, they're not meant to be there." " What about the cable company?" " (Woman) lt's nothing to do with them!" " Have you checked?" " No, we haven't!" "Well, I do suggest you check with them and maybe they'll be able to help you." "Are you telling me the cable company's sending us lizards?" "Maybe, yes." " (Woman) What?" " Down the wire." "By mistake." "Down the wire, the-the lizards..." "Now, hang on." "Look, mate, it's quite simple." "You sold us the telly, you delivered it yesterday, you set it up and the first time we use it, it starts pouring lizards." "So you come up with a solution." " Sweep them up." " Sweep them up?" " Yes." " (Woman) You sweep them up!" " No, you sweep them up." " What?" "They're not really anything to do with me." "is that all you can say, "nothing to do with me"?" "is that it?" " Wipers?" " What?" "Wipe them off the screen with windscreen wipers." " This is fucking ridiculous!" " No need to swear." "I can fucking swear in my house if I want to!" " No need for that." " What will your head office say?" " Yeah!" " That you did it." " What was that?" " They'd say you did it." " You what?" " Why'd you fill it with lizards?" "They started coming out as soon as you'd set it up." " You filled your telly with lizards." " Right." "I'm gonna get you fucking sacked." "What's your name?" " lt's Mr Lizard." " Stop fucking me about." " Fucking nincompoop." " Come on, what is it?" "Mr Lizard." "What's your boss's name?" " Another Mr Lizard." " Stop it!" "Fucking stop it!" "He's Mr Lizar-d." "(Mr Riley) Stop it!" "Where you going?" "Get back there and fix that TV!" " Where are you going?" " Lizard, lizard." "Get back in there and do that telly!" "(Shouting) You can't leave!" "A telly doesn't have lizards!" " (Screaming) You come here!" " Come on." " l told him!" "He wouldn't listen!" " Come on." "(Ranting)" " Come on, come on." " (Screaming)" "(Shouting) What's wrong with it?" " Shh!" " The television..." " Stop it!" " (Screaming hysterically)" "(Sobbing) ..television..." " Stop it!" " (Sobbing)" "How much were you thinking of?" "Well, 12o/o." "If I give you 12o/o, I have to do that for everyone." "Hm. lt's just that I've put in a lot of extra time, you know." "At weekends and...evenings." "Every week for the past four months." "What if I give you...5o/o?" "5o/o." "And I'll get Louise in here and you can watch me wrestle her to the ground and sit on her head." "Eh?" "And then fart on it?" "What?" " You'd fart on Louise's head?" " Yes." "It's the best I can offer you." "All right?" "Yeah, OK." "Right." "Louise, could you pop through for a second?" " 'Certainly, do you want a coffee?" "'" " No, thank you." "Right, Louise, you know Andrew." "Hi, An..." "Keep still or I'll break your neck." " l can't breathe!" " Hang on, keep still." " (Farts)" " Ahh!" " Ahh!" " l'm sorry, I'll explain." "What are you doing?" "Can you just go?" "Please." "I will explain." "Sorry." "You'd better go too, please." "Right." "Thanks." "(inaudible)" "(Cash register beeping)" "(Cashier) Bye." "(Man) Give me all the money in the till." "Give me all the money in the till." "I've got a gun in my stomach and if you don't give me the money, I'll shoot you." "Next, please." "I mean it." "Right." "(Gunman) Shit!" "(Muttering)" "(!" "Mellow instrumental track)" " Good morning, sir." " Good morning." " Morning, Mr Ventham." " Morning." "Erm, can I go straight in, please?" " No." " Oh, dear." "He's running just a bit behind." "But if you'd like to take a seat, I'll hurry him up for you." "Right, thank you." "Mr Ventham's waiting." "OK, thanks." "(Grunting)" "(Falls silent)" "Sorry." "It's all right." "Do you mind if I carry on?" " No." " Right." "Thank you." "(Grunting)" "(Phone rings)" "OK." "Thanks." " He's ready for you now." " Right, thank you." " Ah, Mr Ventham." " Morning." "Good morning, sir." "How can I help you?" "Erm, I'm not sure where l put my wallet." " Right." " Couldn't find it this morning." "Do you remember where you last had it?" " No." " l see." "Erm..." "Well, have you looked in the kitchen?" " No." " Hm." "Well..." "look in there or in the bathroom." "Right." "Kitchen or bathroom." "Hm." "We often put our wallets down in a silly place at night." "Yes." " Probably on one of the surfaces." " Right." " Anything else, sir?" " No, thank you." "Right." "Shall I put that on account?" " Yes, please." " Of course." "Help yourself to a shoe wire if you like, sir." "Fits either shoe." " Very discreet." " Hm, yes." "Much better than the old wooden shoe wires, sir." "Good." " (Knock at door)" " Good." "Well, goodbye, sir." "Yes, goodbye." " Good luck." " Thank you." " Goodbye, Mr Ventham." " Goodbye." " Goodbye, sir." " Goodbye." " A lovely shoe wire, sir." " Oh, thank you." "Oh, most people wouldn't know, sir." "Oh..." "Yes." " Goodbye, sir." " Yes, goodbye." "Er, I'd just like to say to... whoever took him... we don't know who you are..." "Or why you..." "But he's only four years old." "So if you're watching..." " (!" "Tinny music) - !" "Please bring him back" "!" "Please, just bring him back" "!" "He's still our little angel and we love him very much" "!" "So if he's still alive" "!" "Please, just bring our little Billy back !" "Thank you." "(Applause)" "(Man) 'The playgroup phoned up 'and said they'd found her eating a dead bird.'" "(Woman) 'All feathers in her mouth.'" "(2nd woman) 'We got a phone call one day 'saying she'd wandered into a police station 'with her pockets full of heroin.'" "The competition to get into the best schools is pretty intense and you have to use whatever methods you can." "(Woman) And to be certain that Alex gets in, we're having to ensure that a lot of the opposition don't." "Just a bit worried about a little boy who lives in Furle Street." "Andrew Pearce." "We saw him incinerating a live crow." "Could have been a squirrel, it was a bit charred." "'l do have some pictures, actually." "My husband has a lens.' l think I've seen him driving a car as well." "'He's three.'" "(Man) 'lt's often best to go directly for the kids.'" "Getting them drunk's pretty effective." " Hi, Marina." " Hello, Daniel." " l've brought Marcus home." " Marcus!" " He was on the green. I think he's drunk." " (Man) Who is it?" "It's Marcus, he's drunk!" "Yeah, he had some empty beer cans with him." "What on earth's going on?" "He stinks of beer!" "Oh, he had this with him as well." "Er, there's a couple of smoked ones in there." "Well, if there's anything I can do..." " Thanks, Daniel." " You know my number." "Thanks very much." "'lt would be better if we didn't have to do this 'but it's not our fault there aren't enough places.'" "These work." "Puts a serious blot on a child's reputation." "You know what you've got to say?" ""More porn now"." "More porn now." "I reckon we've eliminated about 20 kids so far and, erm... we're mopping up the rest by making them obsessed with pornography." "Now say, "l want porn. I want porn."" "I want porn. I want porn." "Really hit that when you say it." ""l want porn!"" " l want porn!" " Good girl." "Well done." "I think we pretty much guaranteed our Alex a place when we cut off his little finger." "If they don't give him a place now... I will be fucking livid." "(Echoing) 'Livid." "Livid." "Livid." "'Livid." "Livid." "Livid." "(Fading) 'Livid...'" "'When shake your head 'at local paper story of a crime git, 'then look again and see that he is you, 'this long-lens shifty bugger in a park." "'When every call destroys your life 'even though the phone ain't got a bloody plug." "'And when waking, wonder where you are 'and find that most of you is asking where you've gone." "'Then welcome." "'Mmm." "'You arrested for copying dogs, welcome 'in jaaaaaam.'" "(Distorted) 'Jam.'" "(Demonic shriek) 'Jam!" "'" "(Distorted) 'Jam.'" "(Demonic shriek) 'Jam!" "'" "(Sinister laugh)" "(Knock on door)" "Come in." "Morning, Doctor." "Ah, yes." "Sit down in the chair opposite my chair." "Thanks." "Tom Chaid?" " Matthew Vockersbeige." " Hm." "So." "What seems to be the problem?" "Well, I'm quite sore under this arm, just here." "Right." "Well, undo your shirt and let's have a look." "(Phone)" "Hello?" "(Matter-of-factly) Yes, I'm getting hard." "Very big and hard in my shorts." "Ah, I've come on my knee." "All right." "Bye." "Erm..." "Sorry about that but there's quite a good reason for it." "Now, let's have a look at you." "Just lift your arm up." "Yes." "Glands up there are really quite swollen." "Do you have any other symptoms?" " (Phone)" " Oh, excuse me." "Hello?" "Yes, I'm gliding my fist over the bulging purple head and sticking my finger up my arse and my cock's gone off like a spunky firework." "OK." "Bye-bye." " Doctor, I really don't..." " Erm... I'm sorry about that." "I don't have much choice." "What do you mean?" "We're short of cash at the health centre, we've found this an efficient way of raising funds." " Oh." " Let's have a look at you." "Strip down to your pants and pop onto the couch." " (Phone) - l'll put on the headset so that I can carry on with you." "Hello." "Could you hang on a second?" "Yes, just lie down." "Right. I'm staring down at my very hard prick." "It's a fucking massive bulb..." "Won't be long." "..and I'm shooting jets of thick come into your foaming twat." "Not at all, bye." "You don't seem to have any other inflammation but I'll check for glandular fever, just in case." "But I wouldn't worry." "All right." " Doctor?" " Yes?" "is that really the only way you can raise money?" "There are probably others but it's the best one we've come up with so far." "What's the money for?" "It's for a little girl with head cancer." " Aren't there funds for that?" " You would have thought so." " Yes." " (Phone)" "(Sighing) I'm sorry, I'll have to get that." "Erm, I'll see you again when you've got the results." "Bye." "Hello?" "Yep, I've got a thick club of pulsing gristle." "I'm pushing it into your soft, warm gob." "You're talking dirty past the shaft." "I'm coming so hard, the spunk's flying out of your eyes." "OK." "Bye." "That was for a child with head cancer?" "Yes, I know." "Unbelievable isn't it?" "Right, then, Rosa." " Erm, there you are." " Thank you." " There's a fiver from last week as well." " Thank you very much." " Rosa, can I ask you something?" " Yes?" " We think you do a very good job." " Thank you." "I was just wondering if it would be easier with another hoover?" " Another one?" " lt's just the one you use is very small." "Yes, very small, very good." "It takes you two days... hoovering all the big carpets with this tiny little machine." "Yes, yes, very good for dust." " Dust?" " Dust is very small." "Yes, dust is very small." "A big hoover is very big, is too big for small dust." "Dust is small." "I just think it would be better with a bigger hoover, Rosa." " You don't like my work?" " No, it's very good but with a normal-sized hoover, you'd be finished in half the time." "There is something wrong with my small?" "No, it's just that I can't work with this... (Loud whirring)" "..you know with that noise in the house for two days." "It drives me mad." " Well, I don't know." " We'll pay you the same." "I don't know." "Rosa." "Rosa, what's the matter?" "Please, I must use my little hoover." "is very good." "Look, look, all... lf you want to, then yes but only if you can get the job done in one day." " Three days." " Three days?" "I must have three days for to do proper job." " Three days." " ls not possible two days no more." "Rosa... I buy 20 of these." "What...what are these?" "Brushes for the small mess." "Please, don't be cross, I do my best." "Please, I like it here very much." "I work hard." "Please, is no problem for me, three days." " l know." " Please, Mr Paul." "I do very good with the dust." " (Sighs) Right." " Every little bloody dust." " Three days." " Yes." "OK." "OK." " Thank you." " That's all right." " l go now." " Yes." "Yeah." " Bye." " Bye." "(Phone)" "Yeah, Paul Suss." "Oh, hello, hi." "Yeah, fine." "No, yeah, yeah, she's gone." "Well, er, no, no." "She's, erm, she's actually going to do three days now." "I know, I know, I know!" "I got here, she had about 20 miniature brushes." "(Doorbell)" "Hello?" "(Muffled) 'Hello?" "'" " Erm, are you Maria?" " (Child) Yes." "Come in." "Where's the body?" "It's just through there." "How did it happen?" "Er, we had a fight." "He fell down the stairs and banged his head on the step." "Right, listen carefully and do exactly as I say." "I need buckets, a saw, an axe if you've got one, an electric carving knife and some rubber gloves." "Right." "Everything I cut off, you put into the bucket." "Feet first." "Hold his shin." "(Knife whirring)" "(Screaming)" "Jesus!" " Jesus, you've killed him!" " Shut up." "But he was still alive!" " Be fucking quiet!" " Shit!" "Shit!" "Shit!" " (Phone)" " Get the phone." "Hello?" " Who is it?" " lt's one of the neighbours." "Tell them it was the boiler." "Er, it..." "Yeah, it's the boiler." "No, no, it was the boiler." "Yes, I'm fine, thanks." "It was the fucking boiler." "Now fuck off!" " What did you do that for?" " Shut up and help me saw up the man." " Yeah, but what the..?" " Don't argue, just chop him up!" "(Squelching)" "(Whirring)" "(Doorbell)" "Answer it and tell them to go away." " (Man) Everything all right, sir?" " Yes, erm, the boiler." " Can I come in for a moment?" " Well, there's..." "Er, there's been an accident." " He killed the man." " What?" " What was that?" " He killed the man." " You..." " ls that right, sir?" "I hired her to... I hired you to sort this out!" " You'd better come with me." " You fucked it up!" "I am only six." " You said you could sort this out." " l did try." " You said you'd done this before!" " l am only six." "I am." "Six years and three months." "!" "Chopped-up man" "!" "Chopped-up man" "!" "Chopped-up man, chopped-up man" "!" "Chopped-up man, chopped-up man... !" " Good morning, sir." " Morning." " Morning, Mr Ventham." " Morning." "He'll be with you shortly." "If you'd like to take a seat?" "(Ventham) Right." "Thank you." "Mr Ventham's waiting." "How was your knee operation?" "I didn't have a knee operation." "Right." "Good, good." "(Puffing and muttering)" "(Phone)" "OK." "Thanks." "He's ready for you now, Mr Ventham." "Right." "Thank you." "Erm, was it the ankle?" "No." " Ah, Mr Ventham." " Morning." "Good morning, sir." "How can I help you?" "Erm, my chin's been getting rather hot lately." "Right." "I could arrange for a delivery of chin coolant sachets." "Erm, would you prefer them jaw-mounted or tie-mounted?" "Erm, tie." "Right." "A wise choice, if I may say so, sir." "In the meantime, I suggest that you lick your chin and stand on a tall building in a stiff breeze." " All right, sir?" " Yes, thank you." " Anything else, sir?" " No, thank you." " Shall I put that on account?" " Yes please." "Certainly, sir." "Well, thank you." " Goodbye, sir." " Yes, goodbye." "Good luck, sir." " (Receptionist) Bye, Mr Ventham." " Yes, erm, about the operation..." "Yes?" " Erm, goodbye." " Bye." " Goodbye, sir." " Goodbye." "I can get you the key to a tall building if you want, sir?" " Thank you." " Not at all." " Goodbye, sir." " Goodbye." "(Man) Hello!" "Come in, Barry." " Hello, Barry." " Hello." "How are you feeling?" " Not too good, really." " A bit tired." "I've just brought you a little something." "That's very nice, you shouldn't have." "Thanks, Barry." "Sit down." "It's very big." "It's nothing." "Made it myself." "I thought it'd come in handy for burying the old, you know..." "Well..." "Don't they use coffins when they're that small?" "No, you just take it away." "I thought I should take an interest, seeing as..." "Barry." "Seeing as what?" "Seeing as, er..." "What?" "Well, seeing as it was mine." "(Man) Just get out." "Right." "Yeah." "Listen, Russ, it was just a one-off." "That's what you said, wasn't it?" "Yeah." "You know, I don't think I could afford that much again anyway." "!" "Did you give the world some love today, babe?" "!" "Did you give the world some love today, babe?" "(Both screaming in pain)" "(Hooting)" "(Slow monotone) 'l've, erm, 'always been quite a lonely sort of person." "'l find it hard to start conversations with people." "'l just imagine they'll find me boring." "'But of course, people never find you boring if they need help." "'So I've started to make people need help.'" " (Driver) Excuse me." " Yes?" " Could you help me?" " What's the matter?" " l'm stuck." " Sorry?" "My hand is stuck on the door." " Stuck?" " Yeah." "I think someone's put superglue on it or something." "Oh, dear. I'm Lucy Tiseman." "Right." "Could you call the fire brigade?" "Oh, yes, yes." "And you are?" "Molly Padly." " Molly Padly." " Yes." " Hello." " Hi." "I've found bikes are quite easy to bring down at night, with a wire." "They don't know what's hit them." "Here's one." "(Lucy, laughing) Oh, dear." "Oh, dear." "Are you all...all right?" " Hurts, my leg." " Are you OK?" "It's my leg. (Groaning)" "What's your name?" " Robert Caesar." " Lucy Tiseman, how do you do?" "Could you get me some help, please?" " Oh, yes, you'll need that." " Thanks." "Do you like grapes?" "What?" "I could bring you some grapes in hospital." "I've changed tactic recently." "I'm observing people at their houses, so I can work out a reason for paying them a visit." "(Lucy, quietly) !" "Bye-bye, mm-mm, bye-bye !" "(Lucy humming quietly)" "Bye!" "(Lucy humming)" "(Doorbell)" "(Woman) Hello." "(Lucy) Hello." "Mrs Ferris?" " Yes." " May I come in?" "(Mrs Ferris) Yes." "(Lucy humming)" "(Lucy) I'm afraid it's about Paul." "What?" "We've been informed he drowned this morning in his canoe." "(Gasping sob)" "I'm very sorry, Mrs Ferris." "(Sobbing)" "Must be quite a shock." "It's very sad." "(Sobs) Oh." "I have actually got... two tickets to see Cats tonight." "Perhaps you'd like to see Cats with me?" "Cats?" "Shall I, erm, pick you up in a taxi?" " (Knocking) - lt's probably the police at the door." "I think he's here about this man I've electrocuted last week." "I told him I'd done it deliberately to prolong the conversation." "We had an exciting chat but I don't know if it was a good idea." "(Pounding at door)" "(Lucy giggling)" "(Door opening)" "(Man) Good evening, Miss Tiseman." "Peter Lusp from cid." "I've got a few questions I'd like to ask." "It might take a little while so probably best if we pop down to the station." "(Lucy) Have you caught me?" "(Lusp) Come on." "(Giggling maniacally)" "(Lusp) Get in the car, we'll go down the station and have a chat, all right?" "'When surface from a four-day crash, 'bluebottle gobbed, and hear the children calling...'" "(Children chanting)" "'..and rise to find they've roped your guts, 'so fall, you jessie." "'They crown you King Cantaloupe 'and gob you up a synapse bomb." "'So now, you hooting bletherskate, 'not clocking you've been prammed 'to serenade the door of your ex-wife... 'where pierced on glares of ice" "'you fold to weeping topple." "'Then find you've wandered back to school 'and frit the squabs 'and now here comes a teacher with a copper.'" "Then welcome." "Mmm." "Ooh, fuss, fuss, fuss, fuss." "Welcome." "In jaaaaaam." "Right." "How do I say your name again?" " Martin." " Martin." "OK." "Can I look at your tongue?" "(Woman) Yes." "Do you get cold fingertips?" "Mm." "Yes." "Sometimes." "I'll just take your pulse." "(Gasps)" "Your... spleen is damp." "Oh." "Have you had acupuncture before?" "No." "(Woman) 'lt's very important for patients to relax fully 'before I start the treatment.'" "Otherwise it can be a bit distressing." " (Grunts)" " OK, Martin, if you'd like to put your wrists down by your side." " What...what are you doing?" " You might feel a little tap." "Yeah, but, you... (Grunts, gasps)" "'The nails i use 'are between nine and 14 inches long" "'and half an inch thick.'" "Can you move your head at all, Martin?" "Don't want to try." "'The nails must go at least two inches into the table 'otherwise the patient will slide off.'" "(Grunting)" "You might feel a little uncomfortable, Martin, because you're taking the weight of your body on the nails." "Now, pushing down on the wrist nails will take the weight off your ribs and head." "Now, I'm going to leave you and come back in about half an hour." "(Whimpering)" "'l think the treatment is very successful.'" "(Groaning) 'l've never had a patient come back." "'You do have difficulty 'getting some of them to leave under their own steam." "'We just have to put them out the back.'" "They've normally gone in the morning." "Yeah." " (Knock at door)" " Come in." "(Woman) Doctor?" "Hilary Chivers?" "No, I jumped the queue." "I needed to ask you about this." "Did you really prescribe my daughter half a kilo of heroin?" "Hm." "I'm sorry, I can't see a thing." "It'll probably take me a day or two to recover my eyesight, so could you pop back on Thursday?" "Well, can't you...?" "Thursday morning?" "We can book you a proper appointment." " Right." " Good." "Sarah, I've just blinded myself." "Could you cancel the rest of my appointments?" "Thanks." "Um... I'll probably need someone to lead me out to my car." "OK." "I just don't think we can stretch to 280,000." "What was your maximum?" "(Man) 240." "He is prepared to accept an offer." "Of 240?" "Well, he'll take 250." "But there would have to be an arrangement." "Arrangement?" "Yeah." "What sort of arrangement?" "A... sex arrangement." "He'd want sex in return for dropping the price." "12 times before the exchange of contracts." "Linus..." " 12 times?" " No." " lt's our only chance." " l can't have sex with him." " No, not really." " lt's a fantastic house." " Wouldn't you mind me...?" " Of course I'd mind but... lt's the only way to get the house." "(Sighs)" "Would he accept six times?" "Has she had any children?" "Have you had any children?" "One." "Ask her if it caused any damage." "Did it cause much damage?" "Not really, no." "That's good." "He would accept seven penetrations four oral sessions and one of..." " Bagpiping." " Bagpiping." "What's bagpiping?" "It's where he puts himself in your armpit." "Quite a good mouth, yes." "Hm?" "Mr Lulch could do the oral sessions." "Me?" "l-l don't think..." "Then yes, we'll do it." "I mean, are you sure you'd be all right with eight?" "I mean, even if I'm sharing..." "Yeah." " l think we need more time..." " lt's fine." " No, we..." " lt's OK." "Shall I give him a call?" "Mm." "Hello, Mr Gardine?" "Hester Twunt from Bovril's..." "(Grunting, gasping)" "(Muffled groans)" "Well, I must say, you have both been very accommodating so far." "(Exhales) ls there any chance we can leave it at 1 1 sessions?" "(Tuts) And miss today's session?" "Mm." "I was so looking forward to today's session." "And there is another factor to do with the house." "Oh?" "Um, it's just since the last session... I have actually had an offer of £300,000." "You know we can't pay more than 250." "Perhaps we'd better extend the arrangement then." "To...nine more sessions?" "(Linus) Nine?" "Or I could sell to the other party." "Does the sex have to be with us?" "Can we get someone else in?" " Louise." " Louise?" "She's very attractive and she wouldn't mind what you do so much." "She's as attractive as you?" "Yes." " She's my sister." " You could have 12 sessions." " We can't offer...!" " You want another nine with that?" "What's the catch?" "She's a bit uncomplicated." "She would be happy to go through with this?" "(Mrs Lulch) Well, it wouldn't..." "It might not matter." " Wouldn't it?" " Linus is her legal guardian." "Oh." "12 times with your sister." "Who has a legal guardian." "Would you knock another £10,000 off for 25 sessions?" "25 sessions?" "Yeah, I suppose so." "(Gasping excitedly)" "Hello, Louise." " (Linus) She's been fed." " Oh." "Glad to see she's got your mouth, Linus." " Say goodbye, Louise." " Bye-bye." "(Both) Bye." "Oh, Louise... look what I've found." "Well, the idea...was to get the guy to hand over the money in the till by threatening him with an axe." "The only trouble was the day I went in with the axe wasn't the same day as the day I made the threatening gestures." "So even though I said I would chop him up, he found it pretty easy to ignore me." "Must be about six months ago I... moved out of the house and started living outside." "'The idea came from a book I was reading, I think." "'Can't be, er, quite sure about that but...' lf you think about it we don't need central heating, big kitchens, rugs, huge beds." "It's all nonsense." "We don't need them but they're jolly nice." "They're useless really." "'l can sleep anywhere I want now, 'l can sleep under a hedge or in the tractor shed.'" "(Woman) 'lt does worry me when it's awfully cold.'" "Cattle." "Bedding down with the cattle, that keeps you warm." "At least then you get a little bit of heat." "I do worry when I know Anthony's out in the open on a particularly bleak night." "Rain, sleet..." "There's a lot of food in the kitchen garden, some stuff round the bins." "A blackbird flew into the greenhouse the other day and I picked him off." "He didn't taste too great, I must say." " We're having lamb tonight." " Sometimes I fight the cats for food." "Richard's bringing Helen for supper." "The dog's pretty loyal." "We blocked off that draught." "It's awfully snug now." "(Anthony) 'l do occasionally find myself 'staring in through the drawing-room window rather wistfully 'and looking at the cosy scene there, the big fire.'" "(Woman) 'Yes.'" "(Anthony) 'And the family, all together.'" "(Woman) 'You cut a pretty sorry sight out there.' l think all I'd have to do is walk in through the front door and I could have a nice hot bath and a big plate of eggs..." " Some tea." " Mm." "Why don't you come in tonight, darling?" "Can't indulge that thought, it's dangerously persuasive." "Just for an hour or so." "I think that's the main problem actually, living with that contradiction." "'Er, the only comfort is that 'l don't suppose I'll have to live with it quite so long.' l imagine being picked off by a sharp frost in the winter." "That's probably true." "But I suppose if I did go inside, I, er... wouldn't have to live with it at all really." "I never lock up at night, you know." "Just doesn't bear thinking about." "(Anthony) 'And you should lock up.'" "(!" "Ambient soundtrack)" "Did you mention to Jill how much Ted liked his Lego?" "He's made a great spaceship." "Yeah." "She was worried it might be a bit old for him." "(Man) Well, he is pretty bright for a seven-year-old." "Mm." "Incidentally, did he come home from school today?" "No." "No, he didn't." "Should've been home about six hours ago, shouldn't he?" "Yeah." "Do you think we should call someone?" "Nah." "(Yawning) He probably decided to stay overnight at the school." "Hello?" "Hi, it's Sue Jails here." "Just calling about Ted in primary three." "Just wondered if he's been standing outside the school for a couple of weeks." "Oh, right." "She saw a bloke pick him up." "Yeah." "Did the man have a car?" "Yeah." "Good, it was horribly rainy." "(Phone)" "Hello." "Speaking." "Oh, have you?" "Right." "They've found a body, love." "(Woman) Oh!" "Yah." "Um..." "They want us to go over and identify him." "(Tuts) Can't they bring him round?" "Yeah, we're just sort of, um, doing something at the moment." "Um, how about bunging him in a cab?" " Mm." "All right." " What about his glasses?" "Oh, yeah. ls he wearing blue plastic-framed glasses?" "Make him look rather studious?" "Oh, well, I'm pretty sure that's him." "That's good enough for us, yeah." "OK." "Thanks a lot." "Cheers." "So what's that, love?" "We've got to bury him ourselves." "Did they say what had happened?" "Sounds like he was buggered quite a lot and then strangled." "That's a bit much." "Apparently it was that bloody Mike Holland that did it." "I'll have a word with him when I see him." "Yeah." "You can tell him I'm pretty pissed off as well." "Mike Holland." "Well, I've always thought he was a bit of a twit." "Mm." "(Echoing) 'When dreadful duty 'leads you to the place 'where you have stored it.'" "(Echoing fades)" "'And when you walking dog 'and call the children," ""'He won't bite,"" "'then see them run, 'deranged by what you're dragging round 'and have been since you found him 'eyeless, stiff and putrid 'after seven months of," ""'Oh, I wonder where he's got to?"'" "Then welcome, mmm, who born dead through your own arse, welcome." "In jaaaaaam." " Hello." " Hi." "I've just moved in, across the landing." "Er, yes." "I...wondered if you could help me with something." "Sure." "Erm... I've got... I mean, the reason I came over... is... because I think I've found a lump in my breast." "Oh." "I got...very worried." "Erm..." "Well, yes." "Erm... I wondered if you could feel it." "Erm..." "Well, I suppose..." "I could." "Thanks." "Er... I... think I'll have to slap you." "Slap me?" "I couldn't just let you touch my breast, could I?" "No, suppose not." "It's here." "Right." "Erm..." "There?" " Right..." " (Woman moaning softly) ls there...anything there?" "Erm...not sure." "Maybe you should... feel it without any fabric in the way." "OK, that...that might be a good idea." "I'll have to use my fist this time." "Erm..." "OK." "(Groaning)" "Erm... ls there anything there?" "I..." "I don't think there was...actually, er..." "Why don't you feel it with your mouth?" "Er..." "OK." "If that will help you... I will have to report you to the police." "Why?" "It's pretty much an assault." "Perhaps I'd better leave..." "Sometimes when I'm this upset, I just have to fuck someone I've never met before." "(Gulps)" "(Woman moaning softly)" "Hello?" "Yes, police, please." "I've just been assaulted." "41 Montague Mansions." "Lizzy Locke." "Oh, hurry, please." "Thank you." "Oh, dear." "You're gonna have to go immediately." "B-But you need me to feel the breasts!" "There's a car on the corner of the block." " Yes, b-but the lump?" " Ooh!" "You'd better be quick, you mustn't get caught." "is something there?" "Oh!" "Oh, get off." "Get off me!" " Are you all right, madam?" " Oh, very upset." "I'll have a WPC with you in a minute." " She's..." " Thank you so much." "Ooh, gosh." "Oh!" "Be careful!" "Oh, dear." "Please don't hurt him...too much." "(!" "Aimee Mann:" "Wise Up)" "!" "It's not" "!" "What you thought" "!" "When you first" "!" "Began it" "!" "You got" "!" "What you want" "!" "You can hardly stand it, though" "!" "But I know it's not" "!" "Going to stop" "!" "It's not going to stop... !" " Night, Arthur." " And to you, Mr Micklesboro." "Could you put those in the post?" "Yes, no problem." " Wife's flu cleared up?" " Well, she's not...quite... fully, but you know, not too..." " See you tomorrow." " ..bad." "Have a good eve... (Yells)" "(Thud)" "(Woman) Night, Arthur." " Night." "Er..." "Yes..." " See you at six." "(Screaming)" " (Thud)" " Oh, boy." " Good night, Arthur." " Night." "Erm..." " Hello, it's..." "Oh!" " (Yelling) lt's Arthur on the seventh fl..." "Oh." "Well, there's another one." "Night, Arthur." "See you tomorrow." "Er, no, I'm talking to some..." "Er, n.." "(Yelling)" "Oh, bloody God, he's gone too." "Er, I'd better stop them leaving." "Hang on." " Girlfriend trouble?" " Oh, no!" "Erm, no, it's Arthur." "Could you just make s..." "Oh!" "Mrs..." " (Screaming)" " Oh, my." "Mrs Pole has gone." "Er, no. I'm on the..." "No!" "No, it's, er..." "Erm...the l-lift..." "Could you stop them coming now?" "Erm, hello?" "Are you still...?" "No." " lf you could stop..." " (Phone)" "No. I'm just go..." "Oh." "Help..." "Ah." "Erm, help me." "Help." "Help me." "There's..." "Er, my head is..." "I'm stuck in... lf there's anybody on the landing, c-could... lt's very dangerous by the lift and if someone..." "Ah!" "'My name is Graham Shive.' l manage a small it systems consultancy." "I'm Alison Shive and this is our daughter, Judy." "(Graham) We've always had a strong feeling with Judy that she's not just a little girl - she's a 45-year-old man... trapped in the body of a little girl." "So she's had an operation to be fitted with the penis and testicle glands of a 45-year-old man." "Look at that." "You see, it's perfect." "We're particularly pleased with the balls." "Yeah." "I think the balls are excellent." "And you're a lot happier now, aren't you, love?" " Ta." " Ah, cheers." "Cheers." " Good day?" " Ah, stupid day." "Foam." "You missed a bit." "No, look, here." " God." " Jesus." "Where did that come from?" "I don't know!" "I feel... fantastic." "So do I." " How long have I known you?" " 15 years." "Stay like that." "Hi, boys." "What are you doing, Andrew?" " Er, we were..." " We were kissing." "Kissing!" " No, we were..." " Come on, we'll be late." "It starts in two minutes." " We've found something out." " Come on!" " Helen, we..." "We..." " Let them go." "See you." "Bye, Rich." "Are you all right?" "Hm?" "Yeah." "So, what can I do for you?" "They said we should come in for that spot thing." "Yeah, I think it's a wheat allergy." "Yeah." "We just want something for it." "It's certainly not an ailment." "You're gonna have a baby." "W-What are you talking about?" "There. lt's in there." "Can't you just give her an injection?" "Get rid of the spot." "It's not a spot." "The lump is caused by a baby." "(Man) How's a baby get in there?" "It..." "You put it in." "No, I did not." "No, but when you have sex, that makes a baby." "It doesn't!" "It just makes a bit of foam." "Look, I can show you." "When your penis goes..." "Hey!" "We don't want to see your sick little pictures." "Spending all day drawing them rubbing yourself up." "Look, there really is a baby in there." " All right, how's it breathe, then?" " lt doesn't." "It don't breathe!" "What is it?" "Dead, then, is it?" "It gets its oxygen through a cord." "(Laughing) Oh, it's electric, now!" "It's a fucking light bulb." "This may seem very strange but you are going to have a baby and I should examine you." "Yeah, right." " You just want a feel of my twit." "Really, I..." "You're talking rubbish so you can feel her twit." "Of course I don't want to. I need to examine her for the sake of the baby." "There ain't no baby. lt's my stomach!" "Look, it's not in your stomach." " You just said it was!" " No, I said it was in there." "She doesn't even know what a stomach is!" "It's a womb and there's a baby in there." "If there's a baby, how come it's not crying?" " They don't cry when..." " Babies don't cry?" "Babies don't cry!" "Listen to you." "You're not a doctor, you're a wanker." "Yeah!" "You're not a doctor, you're a wanker!" "OK, all right, it's not a baby, it's a spot." "Yes, I'm sorry." "I'll prescribe you one litre of spot cream." "Put a handful on your belly three times a day and come back if it doesn't go away." "Thank you, Doctor." "You could be reported for trying to muck around in her squishy." "Please." "(Woman) lt better be a spot, not another one of them screaming red rabbit things." "I think...really... she ought to be put to sleep." "Right." "Straightaway." "Could I make love to her first?" "Or maybe after you've given the injection, just while she's slipping away?" "I don't think so, really." "No." "It was something I promised her when she was a puppy." "Well, I don't think I could allow that without reporting it." "is that right?" "Yes." "OK." "Well, just the usual injection, then." "You know, I'm pretty sure she would have consented." "Perhaps you'd like to hold her while I..." "No, I don't think so." "OK." "I'll just watch you do it with my trousers down." "Right." "(Radio chatter)" "(!" "Mr Mo:" "Mah Na Mah Na)" "!" "Mah na mah na !" "De-de-de-de" "!" "Mah na mah na !" "De-de-be-de-be" "!" "Be-de-be, be-de-be, be-de-be-de-be doo-doo-doo-da" "!" "Mah na mah na !" "De-de-be-de-be" "!" "Mah na mah na !" "De-de-de-de" "!" "Mah na mah na !" "De-de-be-de-be" "!" "Be-de-be, be-de-be, be-de-be-de-be doo-doo-doo-da !" "Mah na mah na na, mah na na na, mah na na na." "!" "Mah na mah na !" "De-de-be-de-be" "!" "Mah na mah na !" "De-de-de-de !" "(Saxophone honks)" "!" "Mah na mah na !" "De-de-de-de" "!" "Mah na mah na !" "De-de-be-de-be" " (Saxophone) - !" "Mah na mah na" " (Saxophone) - !" "De-de-be-de-be" "!" "Mah na mah na !" "De-de-de-de" "!" "Mah na mah na !" "De-de-be-de-be !" "(Saxophone honks)" "!" "Mah na mah na !" "De-de-be-de-be... !" "(Moaning)" "Push your balls up my nose." "(Straining)" "(Woman mumbling)" "(Man) Whack my bonobo." " (Smack)" " Oh, yeah!" "Whack my bonobo." " (Groaning)" " Come on, whack my bonobo." "(Moaning)" "(Woman) Cluck on my gladys." " (Man cackling) - (Woman) Ooh!" "Cluck on my gladys." "(Man cackling)" "(Woman) More feeble granddad." "(Man continues cackling)" "More feeble granddad." "(More cackling)" "(Woman) lntroduce me to Gladstein." " (Man) Hello!" " How do you do?" "Very well, thank you." "(Woman) How do you do?" " Very well, thank you." " (Both groaning)" "(Woman) Aah." " (Woman) Shit your leg off." " Yeah?" " Shit your leg off." " Really?" "Yeah." "Shit your leg off." "(Straining)" " (Both groaning) - (Squelching)" "(Thud)" "(Woman) Oh, my God!" "(Both straining)" "(Man) Oh." "Oh, God!" "(Woman) Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Make your spunk come out green." "God, I love it when your spunk comes out green." "Yeah, get it green." " (Slapping)" " Come on, I want it green." "Come on!" "I want it green." "Come on. I want it green!" "(Man straining)" "Green!" "I want it green." "Make it come out...green." " l wanted it green!" " (Wheezing) I can't... I wanted it green." " l can't." " l wanted it green..." " l can't make it..." " l wanted it green." "(Man, gasping) Oh...my leg." "What am I gonna do with my leg?" "(Knock at door)" "(Slowly) Come in." " Morning." " Ah, yes." "Plank your lipids." "Now, what seems to be the problem?" "It's the bed-wetting thing." "Oliver's still got a bit of trouble with it." "Right." "Well, as I said, it won't go away overnight but it will go away in the end, I promise you." "In the meantime, just remember, there are many worse things than wetting yourself." "After all, it's not a disease." "(Dripping)" "Right." "(Squelching)" "Ciao."