"This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells and this is Soap." "Oh, God!" "Why?" "Why, Jessica?" "What is keeping Daddy?" "He's been at the Foreign Affairs Office for hours." "Eunice, don't go crackers, okay?" "These things take time." "Let's just hope for the best." "Everything's gonna be fine." "I do not go crackers." "I just hope this abduction isn't serious." "Begging your pardon, but I don't think there's such a thing as a trivial abduction." "I just wish that there was something we could do besides sit and wait." "Poppycock." "What?" "I said balderdash." "Sit and wait, indeed." "That's the kind of talk that led to the occupation of France." "We must fight." "Send in a thousand troops and storm the beach." "I'll call Ike." "Major," "Eisenhower is dead." "Then I'll call Mamie." "Mamie is no general." "Yes, but what a dancer." "Daddy!" "Dad!" "What's up?" "It's not good." ""It's not good"?" "Oh, God, Eunice, did you hear that?" "It's not good." "What is it, Daddy?" "We're all going to have to be strong now, Eunice." "Is your name Daddy?" "Would you just tell us for God sakes?" "What is it, Daddy?" "Is Mother alive?" "All right, all right." "Calm down and sit down all of you." "The ex-dictator of Malaguay," "Carlos "El Puerco" Valdez escaped from the plane that was taking him back to his homeland to be executed." "He and his band of right-wing rebels are holding your mother hostage." "Daddy, we already know that." "Well, I beg your pardon." "Who am I, Sander Van Oquirrh?" "When they know something, I'll know something." "Well, when will we know more?" "When they do!" "Well, when will that be?" "I don't know." "Leave me alone." "Okay, that's it." "I've had it." "I'm going." "Don't be out late." "Billy, where are you going?" "I'm going to find Mom." "Billy, you can't." "Yes, I can." "But that is crazy." "Oh, and sitting around here beating on each other, that's not crazy?" "Oh, Chester, stop him." "Oh, you just stay out of this." "Oh, wait a minute, I know what you..." "That's it, I've had it." "You're bickering." "I'm going." "Billy, you can't find her." "At least I could try." "Young man, you are not leaving this house." "I forbid it." "Dad, I'm afraid, you don't have a choice." "You see, while you were running in and out of your pool houses," "I became 18." "When?" "Last year." "You're not 18." "Yeah, Dad, I am, and I'm going." "Billy, this is dangerous." "I'll be okay." "Be careful, please." "You may be 18, but you're still my kid." "Saunders, can't you say something?" "Billy listens to you." "I could, yes." "Well, please, Saunders." "But I won't." "Why not?" "All I know is, if my mother were missing" "I'd spend the rest of my lifetime to find her." "Me too." "Where is your mother now?" "I haven't the foggiest." "Uh, Maggie Chandler?" "What does it say on the door?" "Maggie Chandler." "You think I walked into the wrong office this morning?" "Oh." "So much for small talk." "Have a seat, I'll be with you in a sec." "You're the guy with the missing kid?" "Yes." "Why didn't you eat this morning?" "I wasn't hungry..." "How did you know?" "You've been eyeing my Danish ever since you walked in here." "Very quick." "You're not getting any." "I've got you eating out of the palm of my hand, huh?" "Queens." "Excuse me?" "Your accent," "Queens with a touch of Manhattan mixed in." "You probably live in Connecticut, and you play a lot of ball." "You don't smoke, you don't have any cats, and you live with your mother, correct?" "That's amazing." "Nothing to it." "See that nasal tone in your voice is a fifty-fifty mix of New York working man and New York intellectual, hence the Queens and Manhattan." "The whiny quality is obviously Connecticut." "You've got the body of a second basemen," "I don't smell tobacco smoke on your clothes, there's no cat fuzz on your pants, and your address is a family neighborhood." "No smoking, no cats and Mama." "I whine?" "Well, I didn't say it wasn't pleasant." "I don't whine." "Can I see the transcript?" "The hearing, remember?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Thank you." " Okay." " Carol David." "A cupcake." "Excuse me?" "You're a cupcake?" "A fruit bowl." "You're gay?" "Oh, yes." "And you got custody?" "That's right." "Was the judge a fruit bowl too?" "Listen, Chandler, if you don't want to help me that's okay, but I did not come here to be insulted, so let's just forget the whole thing, okay?" "Sit." "You know, Dallas, I like you." "You've got spunk and savvy." "I usually get hassled a lot by male clients." "I don't smoke." "You know, they see me, what the hell?" "You're different." "I trust you." "Oh, I'm flattered." "Besides, you're a cupcake, so what's to fear?" "Look Chandler, I don't..." "Oh, this girl hangs out with cowboys?" "Yeah, she's a rodeo groupie." "Stable girl." "No pun intended." "Good." "Okay, well, what I have to do is get a line on the rodeo circuit, start following it around until I find her." "Good." "I'm coming with you." "No dice." "You'd just be a pain in the rump." "I'm coming." "Listen, Dallas, I get 75 bucks a day, plus expenses." "I do things my way, and I travel alone." "It says so on the card." "If I pay the money, I make the rules." "Dallas, there are obvious problems that come about with a man and a woman traveling around together." "I don't need the hassle." "What hassle?" "I'm a cupcake, remember?" "You've got a point." "Okay." "What the hell?" "Agreed." "When do we leave?" "Now is fine." "Come on, come on." "You gotta eat something." "I can't look at food." "It makes me sick." "Wendy, Wendy!" "Hey, Burt, listen to this." "I don't want to hear it." ""From what depths of degradation" ""does Sheriff Campbell and his family spring?" "This moral leaper has..."" ""Leaper"?" "I think that's probably "leper," Danny." "Oh, yeah." ""This moral leper has flown in the face of decency," ""and corrupted his own step sun..." ""stepson." "Can we doubt he will corrupt our community?"" "Yeah, that's a point." "You read aloud really..." "very, very, good, Dan." "Thanks." ""We have have always been a liberal newspaper," ""but, in our opinion, we should bring back the ayn..." ""Ancient."" ""...ancient practice of stoning for these scoundrels."" "I wonder what the conservative newspapers are saying." "I don't care!" "I just want to make some hot milk here." "I can't sleep." "And when you can't sleep, you go crazy, and the thought of going crazy is making me very crazy." "Oh, who can eat?" "Bob's not eating, either." "Danny, he can't eat." "I know." "That's the problem." "No, that's not the problem." "Tibbs is the problem." "No, that's not the problem because I know how to deal with him." "We shell him." ""Shell him"?" "Like a peanut?" "No, no, no, no, no." "We shell his headquarters with bazookas, and when he comes running out we grab him." "Danny, we can't go around shelling buildings." "What about the other people inside?" "We evacuate them." "We don't know where Tibbs' headquarters are." "We could ask the people that we evacuated." "Oh, Mare, it's so nice to see you awake." "The baby woke me." "As soon as we both have our little snack, it's nappy naptime." "Please, you can't just sleep and eat." "Burt, this is a very good system." "I think the baby's on to something." "Mary, now listen to me." "Please, now Mary, listen to me." "You're escaping reality." "I know." "It's because I hate it." "Wendy's kidnapped, you're being blackmailed." "If this was a movie, I'd walk out." "Ah, oh, good!" "I'm sleepy." "I'll get it." "No." "I'll get it." "Hello?" "Yes, this is Sheriff Campbell." "Well, I'm glad you got that off your chest." "Bye-bye." "Just some lady calling to tell me that I nauseate her." "I don't suppose she had any news about Wendy then, huh?" "Sorry, Dan, I never thought to ask." "Hi, everybody." "Did you find her?" "Is she okay?" "What did you find out?" "Nothing." "Not a word." "Oh, God." "Wendy, Wendy, Wendy." "This is Maggie Chandler." "She's a private detective." "Maggie, this is my mother." "Hello." "Hi." "This is my stepfather, Burt." "How you doing?" "How do you do?" "He's also the sheriff here." "Yeah for a few more days anyway." "They're trying to drum us out of office because we were in bed with six girls." "Innocently, of course." "It's a very long story." "I can imagine." "That's my brother, Danny." "Hello." "Hi." "And this is my stepbrother, Chuck." "Hi." "And that's Bob." "Bob, you were introduced to the lady." "Don't you say hello?" "You'll have to forgive Bob." "He hasn't eaten since they kidnapped his little niece." "Wendy, Wendy..." "Dallas, are we by any chance looking for a wood baby?" "No, Wendy is real, really." "Are you sure she didn't leave of her own accord?" "Would you like to see her room?" "Yes." "Uh, what good is seeing her room gonna do?" "Looking for clues." "Plus, it'll get us out of this room." "Another crank call." "I've had it." "Hello, pervert!" "That's right." "You are the pervert, not me, because you are..." "Hi, Eunice." "What?" "What?" "Yes, yes, yes, I am calm." "I am calm, Eunice." "I am very calm." "What do you want?" "What...?" "Eunice." "Eunice." "Eunice!" "Who is that, Eunice?" "Oh, my God." "What?" "Wh...?" "Where?" "Malaguay?" "But who?" "Uh..." "I am very calm, Eunice." "Yes, all right." "Well, thanks for calling." "I'm calm, Eunice." "Goodbye." "We'll talk later." "You know when Jess landed on that island?" "Some guerillas came out of the jungle, boarded the plane, and carried her off." "Oh, my God!" "I saw that in King Kong, but I..." "I didn't think it was possible." "No, Danny." "Danny, "guerillas," revolutionaries." "People with guns." "Oh!" "They rescued their leader and they took Jess hostage." "First, Wendy and now Jessica." "Jess!" "Oh, God, Jessica." "Oh, now I'm hyper-ventilating." "Burt." "What are we going to do?" "I don't know, Mare," "Malaguay is out of my jurisdiction." "Burt, you have to do something." "Jessica is in terrible danger." "She just got out of the hospital." "This could kill her." "Mare, why do you always look on the dark side?" "Now, all we know is, she was taken off the plane by guys with guns." "That's it." "I know what it is." "It's the curse, our curse." "This family is cursed." "Why didn't I think of it before?" "We have to do penance." "Wait, Mare, Mare." "Come here." "Where are you going?" "To church, any church." "Everybody!" "Go to church." "Church, let's go to church." "We'll go to church." "You go to the Presbyterian." "You go to the Baptist." "Uh, you take the synagogue." "We've got all bases covered." "I'll get Scotty." "Bob, where do you want to go?" "Anywhere but Catholic." "What's wrong with Catholic?" "Nothing is wrong with Catholic." "I just can't kneel." "Mrs. Pomeroy, listen to me for a second, all right?" "I can't arrest your husband just because he called you a name." "No, I wouldn't say that to my wife, but, then again," "I have no idea what your nose looks like." "All right." "Have him sleep on the couch tonight." "Ah, that's good." "All right, then." "Good night, Mrs. Pomeroy." "Hey, Burt." "Danny, I'm glad you're here." "I need some help." "God, I love that." ""I need some help."" "I love that, Burt." "Dan..." "Sheriff Burt is burning the midnight oil and Deputy Dan is giving him a hand." "I love that, Burt." "Thanks." "Danny, now, I made a decision." "I love that too." "Now, we're going to get Tibbs by playing his own game." "That I also love." "Danny, you got to go to one of his massage parlors in disguise and find the girls in the pictures." "Why do I have to go?" "You're a cop." "We're catching criminals." "You see how that works?" "What are you going as?" "I don't know." "A businessman." "Can I go as a pirate?" "Can I, Burt?" "Please, please?" "Dan, please, what are you...?" "I got the patch and everything." "Danny, what hooker is gonna sit down and tell you important information, when you're sitting there with a parrot on your shoulder?" "Let's see, I could go as a cop." "You are a cop." "That is the point." "They're not going to spill the beans to a cop, you got that?" "It's the only other outfit I have." "Danny, undercover, like Serpico." "We gotta go like Serpico." "You mean, uh, dress up like Italians?" "I have to buy a pushcart." "No, no, no." "Danny, you can't draw attention to yourself." "You have to look like a normal person." "That's not gonna be easy." "Listen to me now." "We got to go to the parlor on Christmas Street, midnight." "I don't think we should go together." "So go find an outfit, and keep it simple." "I can't go." "What do you mean, you can't go?" "Well, I've never been to one of those places before." "I wouldn't know what to say." "Engaging conversation is not required." "You show them the pictures, and ask some questions." "And what if, uh, you know..." "What?" "What if I get, uh you know, feel, uh, you know..." "Don't." "Well, what if they get, uh, you know." "They won't." "They're pros." "Yeah, but I'm cute." "Danny, just ask them if they know the people in the pictures, and then get out." "This is crazy." "Dan, it's all we've got." "So we wind up doing exactly what we're charged with doing in the first place." "I'll go get my costume." "No pirates." "Hey, hey, hey!" "Could I go as God?" "How could you possibly go as God?" "Nobody knows what God looks like." "That's what makes it such a great disguise." "The wheels are always turning, Burt." "The wheels are always turning." "The car... pfft!" "Neutral." "Death to El Puerco!" "Death to El Puerco!" "El, I think I'd better go now." "Red, no, you can't." "They'll kill you." "Oh, don't be silly." "Why would they kill me?" "No, Red, you don't..." "Red, please stop." "Where are you going?" "Red, stop." "Listen to me!" "They think you are one of us." "Ha!" "Yes, they'll torture you, and starve you, and pull out your nails, and beat you." "My nails?" "Yes, and then they'll kill you." "But it took me months to get my nails like this." "Look." "I have no breaks at all." "Red, please get behind these rocks." "Please, listen to me." "They'll make you talk." "You'll tell them where our camp is, how many men we have, what our plans are." "But I don't know those things." "I mean, I don't know what your plans are, and I don't know where your camp is." "Well, it's in the mountains." "Somewhere in the mountains." "I don't know exactly where." "I think its behind some rocks." "Oh, my God." "Is he dead?" "Pretending." "Oh, yes, yes." "They always pretend to be dead because the enemy won't shoot them if they think they're already dead." "I see." "Oh." "What is it?" "I think I've been shot." "Keep calm." "Don't die." "It's all right." "It's just a scratch." "Why don't you guys look out where you are shooting?" "It's fine." "It's fine." "I'll just wash it off." "Could you tell me please where the ladies' room is?" "Red, where are you going?" "Come back here." "Red, stop it." "My goodness, is he pretending too?" "Yes, yes." "Get down, please." "But, you know, they really look dead." "They don't move at all." "No, of course not." "If they moved, that would destroy everything, you see." "They're very good actors." "Wonderful!" "Wonderful actors, yes." "Matter of fact, this fellow here, he played Bernardo in the Rogue Company of West Side Story." "You see?" "Terrific actor." "Doing a great job." "Keep it up." "Listen, I have to go now." "You see, I have a reservation at the Malaguay Surf and Racquet Club, and they will not hold the reservation past 6:00 p.m." "Red, where are you..." "No, you can't leave." "Get over here." "Listen to me, please, and try to understand." "You cannot leave, not yet." "Then when?" "When the revolution is over." "And how long do these things usually take, El?" "Well, the American Revolution took eight years." "That's right, the French Revolution, that took 10 years." "Oh, but the War of Dutch Independence, that took 72 years." "Seventy-two years?" "Well, I'd better call home." "They'll worry." "Now that Jodie hired a private detective to find Wendy, will they see eye to eye?" "Now that Billy ran off to find Jessica, can Chester still claim him as a dependant?" "Now that Burt told Danny he can't go to a brothel dressed as a pirate, will he go as a Dodger?" "Now that Jessica has been captured by revolutionaries, will she find them revolting?" "Will Mary ever wake up?" "Will Bob ever eat again?" "These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of Soap."