"It has to be here, Lexx!" "This is the right sector, I'm sure." "I don't see anything Stan." "790, come on, you gotta help me." "The Celes pleasure transport is here somewhere." "I'm busy." "You're not busy!" "And I have no motivation to assist you in your joyless quest for sexual relief." "Xev - being around you, it's not easy." "I suffer, I hurt!" "I've got feelings too." "I know you have no interest in me, but I would think, because of the extra sexual drive you got from your love slave transformation that you, more than anyone, would understand my situation." "If you kill him, he'd stop talking." "Look, the women on the Celes pleasure transport will give me what I need - they're really good, they're really, really - oh!" "Wouldn't they want money?" "They're traders, you just give them something valuable and it's bingo bongo yum yum time." "Bingo bongo dumb dumb time!" "Any men aboard?" "As if that were of any interest!" "No." "And what would you trade?" "Well" " I'm sure I could get a really pleasant enema in exchange for a robot head." "Please - kill him now, Xev!" "790 - locate the Celes pleasure transport." "What?" "!" "You heard me." "Why should we deny Stan the release he seeks?" "You want release, Tweedle?" "Jump off the bridge!" "790!" "As you desire..." "That's it!" "I'm home." "And I had to make a decision, so, I said, 'Number 17 - and number 42!" "'." "Ïîòîì ÿ çàøåë â ýòó êîìíàòó," "They both come in." "Off go the clothes, on goes the oil, and they start rubbing themselves all over me, and then " "Welcome." "This is the famous Celes pleasure transport, cruising the universe to make your day a lovelier one." "Er" " I don't know if you remember me, but my name is Stanley Tweedle, that's Stanley H Tweedle." "Permission to - come - aboard?" "Welcome back, Stanley Tweedle!" "Permission granted." "Yeah!" "All right then!" "Have fun, mighty captain of the Lexx." "Don't wait up for me." "If you only had a tongue." "Pretend that I do!" "Welcome." "This is the famous Celes pleasure transport, cruising the universe to make your day a lovelier one." "Hello Stanley Tweedle." "I'm here!" "And I already know what I want." "I want number 17, number 43, and number 55!" "Hello?" "Anybody home?" "Hello Stanley Tweedle." "Hello?" "Let it be known throughout the Light Universe that the arch traitor Stanley Tweedle has been apprehended in a sting operation on the Celes pleasure transport." "Let me confirm - the arch traitor Stanley Tweedle, who caused the destruction of more than one hundred of our Reform planets, has bee arrested." "Grand Prosecutor Jihana is currently travelling to the Celes pleasure transport to provide the arch traitor with the swift justice he deserves." "Hallowed be the memory of the Lost Souls." "I think we have a problem." "Actually, I think it's more of a solution!" "Welcome, Grand Prosecutor Jihana." "Hallowed be the memory of " "I want to see him." "Of course." "We have to save him." "Why?" "Why?" "Because we have to, that's why." "Is it right to save him if he is truly guilty of the crime with which he has been charged?" "Oh, I don't believe that he did anything that incredibly bad." "He couldn't have." "He's too - ineffective." "Stanley Tweedle never gets anything done." "If he is innocent, then we will not need to save him." "If he is guilty, then perhaps he should pay the price" "Well, he is our friend Kai." "Then I suggest that we attend his trial." " Are you Stanley Tweedle?" " Who are you?" "More importantly, who are you?" "Are you Stanley Tweedle or are you not?" "What am I doing here?" "Let's start again." "I ask questions - you answer them." "Very simple." "Now, tell me - are you Stanley Tweedle?" "I am." "Stanley Tweedle, captain of the Lexx." "I have been waiting such a long time to meet you in the flesh." "I demand that I be freed immediately, or else " "Or else what, arch traitor?" "Or else, um - my friends onboard the Lexx will destroy this vessel, and, er " "I don't think so." "Your friends, Xev and Kai, have been in communication with us and have requested to be guests at your trial." " My what?" "!" " Your trial." "On behalf of the Committee for Justice for the Lost Souls," "I hereby place you formally under arrest for the murder of 685 billion, 304 million people." "Hallowed be the memory of the Lost Souls." "Intruders!" "We have been invited." "Gentlemen!" "Thank you for your loyalty, but these two are my guests." "Thank you, and " "The company forces are made up entirely from those who lost relatives on the Reform planets." "They have dedicated their lives to bringing Stanley Tweedle to justice." "You must appreciate their sensitivity." "Tell me, what brought you together with Stanley Tweedle?" "on the " "The Lexx." "We have nothing to say." "We escaped together from the Cluster before it was destroyed." "Did you know Stanley Tweedle before that time?" "No, I was not aware of him." "In fact, until very recently I was not aware of anything." "Nice to meet you." "I must prepare." "Nool - you will defend Stanley Tweedle to the best of your ability." "Grand Prosecutor Jihana - you ask the impossible." "How can I in all conscience defend a man who I know - who we all know - is unquestionably guilty of this most terrible of crimes?" "The accused must have a proper defence." "You must commit yourself to the possibility of his innocence." "You're asking me to subvert the truth." "I'm asking you to discharge your duty as the legal representative for the defence of the accused." "I believe you have a promising future, Nool." "Will you accept the challenge?" "Of course, Grand Prosecutor Jihana." "If you request." "What are you doing?" "Where are you taking me?" "I don't like courtrooms." "Presumably the scales of justice have shifted you were tried by the Divine Order for failing to perform your wifely duties." "Yeah?" "I'll believe it when I see it." " Stan!" " Xev, Kai, help me, they " "Silence!" "Hello, I'm Public Defender Nool," "I'll defend you as best I can." "Hello." "Hallowed be the memory of the Lost Souls." "Judge Pendelbron presiding." "All rise." "This court is hereby convened by the Committee of justice for the victims of the 94 Reform planets." "There are potentially two phases to this trial." "In the first phase we will determine whether Stanley Tweedle is guilty, or not guilty, of the crimes with which he has been charged." "If the facts show him to be guilty, the second phase of the trial will be to determine the nature of his punishment." "Please be seated." "He's not guilty, not Stanley." "He couldn't be!" "Stanley H Tweedle." "You are accused of causing certain amino acids which carried vital military data to fall under the control of the forces of His Shadow." "As a result, those forces were able to launch a surprise attack and completely destroy the 100 defenceless Reform planets, with the loss of 685 billion souls." "How do you plead?" "If you plead guilty, you can ask for the mercy of a quick and painless death." "It was only 94 planets!" "Guilty or innocent?" "Six of the planets weren't Reform planets, they were allied but they weren't behind the shields." "94 or 100, it doesn't matter." "Guilty or innocent?" "Not guilty!" "Innocent, Your Honour." "Stanley Tweedle may perjure himself with a claim of innocence but the real purpose of our presence here today is hardly to prove his guilt." "It is well established that Stanley Tweedle's crime is the most terrible act of pure evil ever committed." "We are really here to decide which punishment best fits that crime of crimes." "I'm not guilty!" "Silence!" "This is not a fair trial, she's already decided that he's guilty." "She does not decide, the judge decides." "She is the prosecutor, it is her duty to persuade the judge that Stan is guilty." "Well, she's doing a good job." "I would also like to take this opportunity to thank the special forces of the committee who patiently staked out this Celes pleasure transport" "where Tweedle, most heinous criminal of all time, carried out his many sexual perversions." "Yeah, I wish!" "One more outburst from the accused, and he shall be removed from court." "Let us go back ten years ago to that fateful day where it all began, right here, on this very spot." "At that time the accused was an assistant deputy back-up courier for the Ostral B heretics who were rendezvousing with other brave heretics, struggling against the forces of His Shadow." "Stanley Tweedle's job was simply to carry a third back-up copy of amino acids, ontaining codes that allowed friendly ships to pass through the Reform planets defensive shield without being destroyed." "These amino acids were hidden in a capsule in one of the arch traitor's teeth." "Let us play the security image recorder on the Celes pleasure transport that fateful day." "What have I got to trade?" "Lots!" "Sixteen oxygen cylinders." "I've got an extra uniform just like this one, and a ship's navigation system - slightly damaged." "Unacceptable!" "Unacceptable?" "It's my only other uniform, it's in perfect condition, and ship navigators are hard to come by." "Sorry, those items are unacceptable." "What else do you have to trade?" "Look lady, I'm on an important mission." "I'm a hero, you should give me a discount." "Information has value." "It can be traded." "What is your mission?" "My mission?" "Er - it's secret, but it's very important." "I wish I could tell you, but I can't." "In order to gain access to the Celes pleasure transport, you must provide us with something of value." "I'm an Ostral B heretic!" "I'm on an important secret mission, and that's all I can say!" "What rank are you?" "Assistant back-up courier." "Welcome aboard the Celes pleasure transport, assistant deputy back-up courier Stanley Tweedle." "We have a special place in our hearts for Ostral B." "All right!" "Let the record show that Stanley Tweedle's indiscriminate tongue helped the forces of His Divine Shadow to pinpoint the exact location of the Ostral B heretics " "and all for what, Stanley Tweedle?" "Was your little moment of perverse enjoyment worth the lives of 600 billion people?" "The Grand Prosecutor offers no specific proof that it was Stanley Tweedle who led the forces of His Shadow back to the Ostral B heretics." "I submit, that we do not know for certain that this was the case." "Duly noted." "After effectively identifying himself and his mission, the arch traitor returned directly to the Ostral B rendezvous, leading the enemy home." "I did not identify my mission!" "The Grand Prosecutor offers no specific evidence that the arch traitor led the enemy home." "Your Honour, I would like to present that evidence now." "Proceed." "Let us turn to the final agonising moments on the Ostral B base, using images reconstructed from data recorders from the destroyed Ostral B vessels, as well as from the Tweedle shuttle craft." "Grand Prosecutor, this is Stanley Tweedle returning from the Celes pleasure transport." "Vessel approaching at 3 quadrant, identify yourself." "It's me, assistant deputy backup courier Stanley Tweedle." "All vessels to battle stations!" "League intruder approaching in 3 quadrant." "No, it's me, Stanley Tweedle, assistant deputy backup courier." "I was just visiting the Celes pleasure transport " "And here you see His Shadow's ship, the MegaShadow, which clearly followed Stanley Tweedle to the Ostral B base." "Divine Shadow upon me!" "Let the record show that the defendant Stanley Tweedle ed the forces of His Shadow directly to the Ostral B station and is therefore responsible for their deaths." "Your Honour - we know that the MegaShadow appeared suddenly and destroyed the Ostral B station just as the accused returned, but - it could have already been underway." "We can only speculate as to the cause, and without actual proof, Your Honour, and with all respect, these accusations on the part of the Grand Prosecutor are merely conjectural and do not carry the weight of certainty." "Yeah." "Admit you led them in, arch traitor!" "Admit what we all know to be the truth." "He didn't lead them in!" "We will have silence and respect from the gallery!" "I know Stanley, and he would not do that." "Silence!" "I will soon more directly prove the arch traitor's guilt " "which I would like to continue to do, after a short recess?" "Recess granted." "Stanley, is there anything we can do for you?" "Get me outta here!" "Stanley, we cannot interfere with the cause of justice, well served." "Somebody help me!" "You're innocent, Stan, I know that." "I am!" "I am innocent!" "." "Welcome." "This is the famous Celes pleasure transport, cruising the universe to make your day a lovelier one." "I thought you were smart, Nool." "Sometimes people who are too smart are actually very stupid." "I don't understand." "You seem to have developed the peculiar notion that the arch traitor is innocent and should be set free - or perhaps, forgiven for his little transgression." "I don't personally doubt his guilt, Jihana but, I'm discharging my duty to defend him, just as you requested." "Do you know why I came all the way out here to prosecute this most simple of all cases personally, Nool?" "No." "I wanna kill him myself." "I wanna be the one who sees the light go out in his eyes." "You know why?" "Because it turns me on." "Does it shock you?" "You're doing a fine job, Nool - but you are fired." "What?" "I cannot work with someone who's too stupid to see the fine line that needs to be tread." "In order to be successful, you have to be astute enough to get the climate around you to anticipate my wishes." "You're not cut out for this line of work." "Grand Prosecutor, I " "You will be leaving." "Thank you, Nool." "Now, I assume" "His Shadow paid you well for the information you got from Stanley Tweedle?" "That isn't true." "We only let Tweedle in because he was a heretic." "Lissha, I want you to satisfy me." "Will you do that?" "OK." "If you like." "That will keep me going for a while." "She was a whore, without citizenship, and has no rights." "Any problems?" "It's just not - it's not - I'm innocent!" "I'm innocent!" "What's going on?" "Where's the defender?" "I do not know." "Hallowed be the memory of the Lost Souls." "Hallowed be the memory of the Lost Souls." "Where is the defendant's representative?" "He has withdrawn from the case, Your Honour, claiming that his conscience could not allow him to defend a man a man whose guilt is so certain." "Who will represent him in defence?" "He seems inclined to want to speak for himself." "That's perfectly acceptable to me" "This is highly unusual." "I will have to " "Your Honour." "I request the court's permission to represent Stanley Tweedle in his defence." "And you are?" "I am Kai." "I have no objections." "Permission granted." "You may proceed." "Memory probe, please." "His shuttle drifted aimlessly in space, calling for help." "Again, we will refer to recordings recovered from the defendant's shuttle craft." "To this, we will add the memory probe evidence, which no-one has ever seen, because we will only now extract it from the defendant's brain." "Ostral B heretics, please come in." "This is assistant deputy backup courier Stanley Tweedle." "I'm low on air and awaiting instructions." "This is SubCom Feppo, Ostral B Sector 245 command." "Tell us where you are, Stanley Tweedle, and we'll come and say hello." "I'm transmitting my co-ordinates " "Can't you tell where I am by my signal, SubCom Feppo?" "Your direct signal is too weak." "We are reconstructing reflections." "How do I know you're the real thing?" "Who else would be way out here scanning low power signals?" "Mercenaries." "Suffocation is not exactly a nice way to die." "Tell me Stanley, how often do ships normally pass this way?" "And aren't we both transmitting on an encrypted stream" "I didn't know any mercenaries had access to?" "OK, I buy that." "Thank you, Stanley Tweedle." "And Stanley?" "Yes, SubCom Feppo?" "How do you spell sucker?" "This was the precise moment that the arch traitor Stanley Tweedle committed the most serious crime, delivering a death sentence on the entire population of the Reform planets." "Stanley Tweedle had enough time to destroy himself and his shuttle, before the Sub-Nebulae mercenaries could reach him." "He could have ended one life, and saved 600 billion." "He could have been a hero, and died for the great cause." "But he did not make that choice." "He chose the coward's route." "What happened next is well known." "The Sub-Nebulaes captured and sold the accused and his codes to the Divine Order." "A few weeks later, the Reform planets were destroyed." "Stanley Tweedle, do the images just shown accurately reflect events that led to the loss of acid codes in your tooth?" "Yes." "I rest my case." "Your Honour, may I question the accused?" "You may proceed." "Do you have anything to add, Stan?" "Well, I wanted to blow up the shuttle, I did, but, I" " I couldn't do it." "I was afraid to die." "I mean, I wanted to, but I couldn't, and I'm sorry if I caused anything to happen to the Reform planets." "Why were you made a security guard on the Cluster?" "They wanted to keep me alive for a while in case they ever needed more information." "And then I think - the system just kinda forgot about me." "Did you ever meet His Divine Shadow?" "Yes!" "After we stole the Lexx, His Divine Shadow came onboard, and, and, we followed you to the P Chamber and you started to kill the brains of the Divine Predecessors, and then His Divine Shadow tried to kill you," "so me and Zev started to destroy the brains, and that distracted His Shadow and, and you killed him!" "So you helped kill His Shadow?" "I did." "I helped kill His Divine Shadow." "And I'm glad I did, because it was His Divine Shadow that really killed the Ostral B and all the people on the Reform planets - and there were only 94 planets, not 100!" "But you do admit that you are guilty of letting the codes fall into the hands of mercenaries, who sold them to His Shadow?" "Yes." "I can finally say it too." "I, I should have blown myself up," "I wish I had, but I didn't." "And I've had to live with that all this time." "But I didn't kill anyone." "Your Honour," "Stanley Tweedle admits that he committed the crime of letting the codes fall into the hands of the Divine Order." "But I also ask that you take into consideration the fact that he played a crucial role in helping to end the rule of His Divine Shadow." "He should be shown the mercy that befits... a tainted hero." "The defence rests." "I will render my decision after a short recess." "Kai, thank you." "And Xev." "No-one's ever stood up like that for me before, never in my whole life." "You're welcome, Stanley." "What do we do now?" "We wait for the decision." "It could take time." "Stanley Tweedle, you have been found guilty of the murder of 685 billion souls." "Your sentence shall be passed after you have had a few moments to consult your legal representative." "You should know, that the minimum punishment for murder, is death." "Stanley, you must request the mercy of a quick and painless death." "But I don't wanna die at all Kai?" "He has been found guilty, Xev." "I don't care, we have to get him out of here!" "that would be wrong." "I cannot do it." "I'm sorry Stan." "What's this?" "Nerve bore worms." "The Grand Prosecutor ordered them, for the execution of the arch traitor." "This court will now contemplate the nature of your punishment, Stanley Tweedle." "The defence requests that Stanley Tweedle be shown mercy, your honour, and that he be allowed the dignity of a quick and painless death." "The prosecution requests that the arch traitor be given the ultimate punishment for the ultimate treason - for the ultimate treason - that he be subjected to the nerve bore worm treatment." "These worms will keep him alive, but in excruciating pain until they have extracted every bit of nutrient from his flesh." "No!" "Silence!" "Your Honour - the prisoner's heroic actions in defeating His Shadow merit some mercy from this court." "His actions, Your Honour, deserve a punishment far more painful than nerve bore worms - but unfortunately, one does not exist." "Stanley Tweedle deserves to be punished, but sentencing him to be tortured is an act of vengeance, not justice, an act of pure barbarism." "Were the 600 billion"