"# Hey, Mr dream seller, where have you been?" "# Tell me, have you dreams I can see?" "# I came along just to bring you this song" "# Can you spare one dream for me?" "#" "Oh, my God, Leo, you're just like your dad." "You've got a neck like a baboon." "Before you know it, it'll be sprouting from your nose, your ears, the lot." "I love you, too, Mam." "So...where are you meeting Judy, then?" " Just in town." " Where in town?" "Just because you're me mam doesn't mean I have to tell you every tiny detail about what I'm doing." "I'm sorry, Leo." "You're right, it doesn't." " What are you doing?" " Phoning your brother, he'll tell us." "All right, OK." "If you must know... we're going to an art gallery." "Oh, an art gallery?" "Mm." "Now can you hurry up, please?" "I'm getting a bit sweaty under this gown thing." " Leo, tell Anji what you've just told me." " I'm getting a bit sweaty..." "No, man!" "About where you're taking Judy." " Oh, we're going to an art gallery." " An art gallery?" "No such thing as just going for a drink for Judy, is there?" "Bit pukka, is she, this Judy?" "No!" "Slightly more mature in her taste, maybes?" "Oh, here we go..." "In case me mam hasn't already told you, she's 39." "So?" "Age gap doesn't matter." "Thank you!" "See?" "When I was 20, I fell in love with a guy who was in his 50s." " And what did your mam say about it?" " She was fine with it." "See!" "Wasn't so thrilled when she found out he was a priest, mind you!" "Where's this one going?" "That's Mrs Donaldson's." "Ah..." "There's the order, there." "Right..." "Izzy Donaldson," "Newcastle Royal Infirmary." "Oh, bless her." "She's been in three weeks." " What's the matter with her?" " Oh, hang on!" "It's the diabetes." "Good to go!" "Where are the lovebirds off to today, then?" " They're going to an exhibition." " An exhibition?" " Mm." "Leo thought that Judy might like to do something cultural." "Cultural?" "He wants to get her down Whitley Bay promenade for a bag of chips and a quick snog in the disabled loos." "Cultural?" "!" "Oh, here she is." "Let's get a look at you." "What do you think?" "Oh, yes!" "What a smashing couple you make, you and young Leo." "Don't you think, Jackie?" " Yeah." " Oh, he's a good-looking lad, isn't he, Jackie?" "I'd do him." "Aw..." "He does know about all your ops, doesn't he, Jude?" "Yes, Jackie, you know he does." "I think what Jackie means is you've told him that everything's, you know?" "Everything's what?" "That everything's away now." "God...!" "I'm only asking." "Do you remember that bloke who was really disappointed because you didn't..." "What was it that he said?" "Oh, he wished the junk was still in the trunk." "Look, Leo knows." "He knows I'm a..." "I'm a woman." "Yeah, a woman old enough to be his mother." "Now, Jackie, come on, that's not fair." "Sorry." "If that were the case, she'd have to have been 13 when she had him." "Mum...!" "Which is possible." "Yes, but when she was 13, she was also a boy, so..." "Bye!" "Can I have a fried egg, please?" "Not too runny." " And no black bits." " Coming right up." "Check on chef!" " Hey, Mam would be well impressed if she could see us now." " Oh, aye." "Well, James, isn't it lovely to see your father getting his sleeves rolled up?" "I hope he doesn't burn the arse out of them good pans I got from TK Maxx, though." " Leo!" " Leo's now left the building." "Where is he?" "It's lunchtime." "He should be in his pit." "He's gone to meet Judy." "You know, for a bit of..." "Oooh!" "Ah!" "Oh, Judy!" "I thought you two were going ten-pin bowling?" "Not now, Dad." "I've been dumped." "Hey!" "Yep, now that he's got a bird it's, "Sayonara, James!"." "Anyroad, he's going about it all wrong, if you ask me." "If you ask me." "Oh, sorry." "How's that, then?" "Key word here, Dad, etiquette." "There are rules to dating and those rules you've got to follow." "I mean..." "look at when they first met." "What's the first thing he did?" " Took her for a meal." " Madness!" " What should he have done?" " Text." "A text message?" "A few days of that and then on to Snapchat." "Face pics only for the first few days, then hop in front of the bathroom mirror and get your kit off." " Really?" " Yeah." "100 push-ups, then you get the nips out." "Then it's on to Facebook." "Start trawling through her albums, you know, really put the work into getting to know the real person." "And then, and only then, when you feel you've really built up a bond," " you meet up." " MOBILE RINGS" "You know, it's a mystery to me, Jimmy, why you're still single." "I know, Dad, I know." "Hello, you've reached Batman." "How may I help you?" "Hi." "What you doing?" "Who's calling, please?" "'It's me.'" "Who's calling, please?" "James, it's your mother!" "Oh, hiya, Mam." "What you doing?" "I'm at work, James." "I'll explain that concept to you later." "Listen." "I need you to come down to the shop and give us a hand." " You what?" " I'm sorry, will I try that in English for you?" "The trainee's gone off sick..." "Aw!" "The trainee's gone off sick and I need you to get your Dad to bring you down here and you can fill in for her for the day." "Hang on..." "You want me to cut hair?" "Well, of course I do, James." "I want to charge a load of old dears 20 quid a pop and send them out looking like they've had a run-in with a Flymo." "No, you pillock." "I want you to sweep the floors and make the tea." "Can you manage that?" " Well, you see, actually..." " I'll see you in five." " Bye-bye." "Can I get that to go?" "Right..." "These are for Mr Norcroft." " Oh, how is he now?" " Oh, he's ever so much brighter." "Triple bypass he had, bless him." "So these are all the healthy ones with the wheat-free and the nuts and stuff." " Great." " Yeah, he'll enjoy them." "Now, you just pop them in the hall and we'll drop them into him later, along with his cigarettes and whisky." "Excuse me." "Hi, is this where the watercolour exhibition's on?" "That finished yesterday, I'm afraid, sir." "Really?" "Because I checked online and it definitely said that..." " It finished yesterday." " Yeah." "Great..." "We're just about to open a new exhibition from some up-and-coming young Scandinavian artists." "Quite...interesting." "Some of it's a load of old crap, but, hey, it's free." "What do you expect?" " Fancy it?" " Yeah, why not?" "Oh, there you go." "Oh, thanks." "It's really quiet, isn't it?" " (It's really quiet, isn't it?" " Yes." " (Why?" " I don't know." "It's just what happens in these places." "(Are you not allowed to talk?" "(Yes, but quietly.)" "LOUD RUSTLING" "(Oh, please, I'm starving." "(I'll just suck them.)" "Make yourself useful, Tony." "So, what's she like, then?" " Who?" " This new girlfriend of Leo's." " You've met her, have you not?" " My lips are sealed." " Legs up, Mary." " Come on." " No, sorry." "I promised Leo I wouldn't discuss his personal life with anyone under any circumstances." "You can tell me." " I can't." " You can!" " Honestly, I can't." " Yes, you can!" "OK." "So, she's 39, brown hair, quite pretty, tall." "Like...proper tall." "Works in something to do with cakes." "Cakes..." "Oi!" "Well, it's a while since I've seen one of them up close." "What is it?" ""Backlit bollock."" ""Unshaved."" " Sure you don't just want to go for a coffee?" " Too much for you?" "No, no, fine by me." "All good, all good." "Oh, that's very, er... nice." "Yes." "Lovely." "Yep." "Mm-hm." "Bloody hell!" "Oh, yes." "Very, erm..." "Yes, very interesting." "Erm, lovely shadow there on the, erm... ..on the, erm..." "Would you say that that's a man or a woman?" "Could be either, I suppose." "They might be, er... what-d'you-call-it." "Er..." " ..pre-op?" " Pre-op?" "Mm." "Mm." "Like they've had that bit done but are about to have the rest." "Or maybe not." "Maybe they started and changed their mind." " Decided they were happy with it the way it was." " Possibly." "Happened to me mam." "When me gran died, she got all this money and wanted to redo the whole house." "But by the time she'd put new carpets upstairs and papered the landing, she decided she quite liked the downstairs the way it was." "I am pleased for her." "She's getting more action than me at the moment, that's for sure." "Oh, you don't do too badly with all your one-night stands and your internet people." "And the men in the prison that send the cards." "I'm beginning to wonder if it isn't time for something different, though." "What about an iguana?" "No, I mean me having a relationship for once." "Oh, relax." "The right one'll come along, don't you worry." "Do you think so?" "It took me years of sleeping around before I met your dad." "It's scary, though, isn't it?" "The idea of committing to someone." "Oh, yeah." "I remember the first date I ever went on with your dad." "I knew straight away he was the one but, even still, I was absolutely terrified." "Were you?" "Why?" "Well, partly because I was afraid of the commitment and partly because of the shotgun lying on the backseat when he picked me up." "You're not serious?" "Oh, yes." "Commitment phobic, I was." "But then, I thought to myself," ""Peg, nothing changes if nothing changes." ""What's the worst that can happen?"" "Yeah, you're right." "Of course, the worst that did happen is that I ended up pissed out my head on cider overnighting with him in a damp youth hostel and having to get married within a fortnight." "But the point is, Jackie, Mr Right is out there somewhere." "So, if..." "No, it's a daft question." "Go on." "When you, erm..." "When you transition... ..what do they do with it?" "It?" "Well, the... ..winkle." "The winkle?" "Medical term." "Not often used, I give you that." "I mean, do they just... ..you know?" " You mean, do they just cut it off?" " They don't, do they?" "I mean, not just like that, do they?" "Do you really want to know all the ins and outs?" "Yes." "You sure?" "Go for it." "LOUD THUMP" "Leo!" "Leo?" "Leo...?" " Are you all right?" " Yeah, I'm fine." "I'm fine." "I wouldn't worry." "I'm not much of a breast man myself." "Thank you." " Are you all right?" " Yeah, yeah." "A relationship isn't the be all and end all in life, Jackie." " No?" " No, it's not that important, when you think about it." "I mean, yes, it can be nice to have a bit of company." "Yeah." "And, yes, it can be nice to have someone to share the little things in life with." "Yeah." "And, yes, it can be important to know that, when you're old, you're not going to be left on your own with no-one to talk to except for the paramedics when they come in to rescue you" "after another monumental tumble down the stairs." "But, in the grand scheme of things, Jackie, it's not that important." "Well, this all sounds very promising for your Leo." "Yes." "Yes, I suppose it does." "And of course you've had a chance to meet the in-laws, haven't you?" "Apparently you bumped in to them at The Nelson last week." "Well, Tony dragged us there." " Did I?" " Yes, you did." "I dragged her there." "So, what are they like?" "Anji, you know I don't like to speak ill of people." "HE CHUCKLES" "They're nutters." "The mother is wired to the moon." "She did nowt but yap in my ear all day and it was like listening to a drunk budgie." "And the sister..." "What's she like?" "Well, like I say, I don't like to speak ill of people, but..." " What's she like?" " She's a slapper." " No!" "Man daft." "She even started to make eyes at Tony at one point." "Mind you, we had all had a skinful by then." "Honestly, Anji, I have never met anybody like them." "I was saying to Tony on the way home, it's a wonder that Judy has turned out as normal as she has." "Isn't that right, Tony?" "That's right, Pam." "Sorry." "I mean, I know roughly, I just wondered exactly how..." " Never mind." " I don't mind talking about it." "No, I know." "I should have just warned you I'm a bit on the squeamish side." "Look, the easiest way to think of it is..." "Give me your jacket." "Now, put your arm in there, hold on." " OK, before." " Yeah." "After." " Ah..." " OK?" "And then this they use to make the..." "Foo-foo." "Medical term." " Make sense?" " Yeah." "Yeah, that makes perfect sense." "Anything else you want to ask?" "Yours isn't tartan on the inside, though, is it?" "Thanks, love." "Isn't that where Leo's mum said she worked?" "Leave it." " Where you going?" " Just a quick hello." "Come on!" "TRAVEL PROGRAMME ON TV" "HORSE RACING ON TV" "Pam, we've got visitors!" "OK, then, love." "I'll, erm... ..I'll see you next week." "Bye!" "Shit..." " Pam!" " I've just got to go to..." " No, Pam!" "Hello!" "Hiya!" "Peggy." "Jackie." "James." "We were just passing and thought we'd say hello." "Is Pam working today?" "She's, er..." "Where is your mum, Jimmy?" "She's gone out." "I'm not sure where, but I know it's going to be a long time." "Ah, that's a shame." "I barely got a chance to talk to her when we were at our lunch." "Oh, come on, we can see her another time." "Oh, sorry." "Er, Peggy, Jackie, This is Anji." " She's..." " I'm Pam's boss." "Hello." " Hello." " All right?" "Pam's not in today, is she?" "Course she is." "She's just through the back pretending to be busy." "Pam!" "Pam!" "Pam...?" "You know how you said if there was anything else I wanted to ask," "I should just...ask?" "Yeah." "Well, I was just wondering... ..after you'd had everything..." "Now that you're..." "Is it possible for you to..." "Can I have sex?" "What, here?" "Now?" "You can't even eat a bag of crisps in here, so I don't think they'll let us get away with that!" "No." "No, I..." "I can't." "What?" "Aaaah!" "You are joking, aren't you?" "Yes!" "For your information, us transsexuals can have proper, full-on, great sex." "Shush!" "From now on, anything you want to know, just come straight out with it." "Deal?" "Deal." " Are you bored of this place yet?" " Very." "Where was I?" "Oh, Cyprus!" "Every year." "Until Jackie took the prickly heat." "Oh, between that and her cellulite." "Right..." "Honestly, what was it like, Jackie?" "Oh, it were like someone had laid me face down on the floor and pebbledashed me, Pam." "How descriptive." "Pam, love!" "Look at her there." "She's loving that!" "Nothing like a good bit of pressure on the cheeks of the arse, eh, Tony?" "Aye, right." "Mam, sorry to interrupt." "Mrs Wilson says can you come over?" "Because she thinks her hearing aid is melting into her ear." "Oh, is it?" "Brilliant!" "Have you been to Cyprus?" "No." "SHE MOANS SOFTLY" "So, what now?" "Well, there's an eight-hour silent Danish film on up the road, if you fancy that?" "No?" "We could always go and see if the clog dancing's still on at The Baltic." "Make as much noise as you like." "What would you normally do on a Saturday afternoon, then?" "Me and Jimmy sometimes go bowling, but I don't think that's going to be your cup of tea." " Oh, I don't know." " Really?" "Seriously?" "All right, then, bowling it is!" "The water is gorgeous." "Uh-huh." " Have you been to Cyprus?" " No." "Oh, you'd love it." "We go twice a year." "All right, Pam?" "I just need a minute." "She's a chatty one, isn't she?" "Chatty?" "My ears are done in!" "You're not the only one." "Mrs Wilson's making noises about compensation." "What sort of noises?" "Sort of..." "Ow!" "For God's sake!" "Just give her one of the good biscuits." "And then show Pinky and Perky there the door." "Mam, I can't cope." "I'm being sexually harassed." " You what?" " Is it Mrs Wilson?" " I'll go and speak to her." " Why, no, man." "It's that slapper, isn't it?" " I told you they were both a nightmare." " Get rid of them, Tony." "Why is it up to me?" "It's Pam they've come to see." "They might have come to see me, but it's up to you to get rid of them." " I've tried!" "What do you want me to do?" " Tell them one of your stories." "Stories?" "About what?" "Talk about your work." "I usually find that quite boring." "The hernia." "Hit them with that one." "I've not heard that one." "It's well dull." "Mam says it puts her into a coma every time." " The bit where the stitches burst is not bad." " See what I have to put up with?" "Get out, man!" " What size?" " An eight for me, please." "Er, 11." "MOBILE RINGS" "Sorry, just a sec." "Hi, Mam." "Leo, I've got Judy's mam and her sister here at the shop." "Oh, that's nice." "Oh, is it, Leo?" "I can't be doing with them today." " I've got a shop full of customers, man." "It's the last thing I need." " Right." "Leo, get Judy to ring them and get them out of here." "Yep, no problem." "I'll sort it." "OK, bye." "All right?" "Yeah, nothing." "Thanks." "Then all I hear is my stitches going pop!" "And that's me straight back to AE." "That reminds me of when Jackie bought herself a corset..." " Ready?" " Let's do it." "What are we playing for, by the way?" " Because you said you wanted to." " No!" "I mean we should play for a wager or something." "Oh, OK." "How about loser gets dinner?" "Perfect." "Have to warn you, mind, I am pretty... ..good." "Wow!" "That is..." "Wow!" "OK, prepare to be... ..amazed." "Balls!" "I just, erm...need to get my eye in." "Yeah, right." "OK." "Me finger's stuck." "Quick, quick!" "She'll be all right." "What's best for burns, Jackie?" "Cigarette lighter." "As long as she doesn't sue." " Shush!" " Sorry." "You're not thinking of suing, are you?" "Right, well, there you go, Mrs Wilson." "And, erm..." "I've knocked a pound off for you." "James..." "What's that smell?" "It's fear, Jackie." "Oh, you're a woman of many talents, Pam!" "Look at all this..." "Extensions, highlights..." "Oh, waxing, as well!" "Do you do the waxing, Pam?" "No, not me, Peggy." "That's little Kathy." "But she's not in today." "Oh, that's a shame." "I could've had me legs done." "Oh, they couldn't half do with it." "What are they like, Jackie?" "They're all right." "Not so keen on them when they're plaited." "Go on, get in, lad." "On second thoughts, Peggy... ..maybe there is something we could do for you." "Could you?" "Yes." "Yes, I think we could." "Right, then, Peggy." "Let the dog see the rabbit." "TONY:" "For the love of God?" "!" "Oh, tragedy, tragedy!" "You all right, mate?" "Yeah, good, thanks." "Mate!" " Mate!" " Yeah?" "What's that all about?" " Sorry?" " What's that all about?" "What's what all about?" "That." "What's it like doing it with one of them?" "Get the best of both, do you?" "Is everything all right?" " DEEP VOICE:" " Everything all right!" " Ricky, Janine, your tea's on the table." " Is there a problem?" "No." "No." "No problem." "Good." "Come on, Leo." "Freak!" "Just ignore it, Leo." " What did you say?" " I didn't say anything." " Leo..." " You did." "You called someone a freak." "And when I say someone, you meant her, my girlfriend." "Girlfriend?" "Is that what you'd call it?" "Her." "That's what I call her." "Not really though, is she?" "I mean, not really a girlfriend, like a proper girlfriend." "No?" "Why's that, then?" "Because she's not really a girl." "I see." "So, if I'm not calling her my girlfriend," " what do you suggest I call her?" " A freak." "Sorry?" "A freak!" "I'm warning you, you say that one more time and you'll regret it." "Freak." "I meant him." "You already said it twice." "Freak." "Leo...!" "Trust me, violence is never the way to deal with this sort of situation." "You are nothing but a freak." "Except when they're real cheeky bastards." "What we did!" " Are you all right?" " Yeah, fine." "Are you sure?" "I'll live." "He might not!" "That was a right old clout you gave him." " Where did you learn to do that?" " I was a boxer in a former life." "Something tells me you're not joking." "Dickheads!" "Absolute dickheads!" "You'll get used to it." "It's not like that all the time, though, is it?" "No." "But... sometimes." " Well, do you know what I think?" " What?" "I think... ..that they're dickheads." " Can I ask you a favour, though?" " What?" "In future, if there's ever any hassle, let me deal with it, yeah?" " Fine." " OK." " Excuse me?" " Oh, my god!" "Judy, we're being attacked!" "Get him!" "It's all right." "Just a little joke." "Sorry." "There you go, mate." "Sorry." "Oh, God..." "Well, how was that for you, Peggy?" "Smashing, Pam." "Rub your finger up that." "Go on." "Lovely." "I won't miss the build-up of the static on the duvet, I can tell you." "Snap crackle and pop it is every night!" "Ah!" "Here he is!" "Is he all right?" "He's fine." "He's the same after he's done me mam's toenails." "And after he's changed Leo's sheets." "Well, I suppose we should make a move." "Yes, I suppose you'd better." "Oh, it's been such a lovely afternoon." "We must do it more often." "Where's Jackie?" "Jackie!" "Pam, how much is it for a bikini wax?" "Don't you worry about that, Jackie." "This one's on the house!" "# Meet me on the corner" "# When the lights are coming on" "# And I'll be there" "# I promise, I'll be there" "# Down the empty streets" "# We'll disappear into the dawn" "# If you have dreams enough to share. #"