"I was a hard young man, due partly to my sport." "But I was ice-cold and denied all feelings." "Brutal toughness defined me and led me to hurt many people." "There's no way for me to make that right." "I was icy cold, like a block of stone, and I didn't give a damn." "Punch!" "That's right, very good!" "Left, right!" "Left, right!" "I started with judo when I was 6." "Later came karate, which I found better." "I could hit my partner and kick him away." "I'd sworn no one would ever hurt me again the way my father did." "I told myself I'd be the best in the world in martial arts, and I succeeded." "My titles include multiple championships in Europe, two in Asia, and world champion:" "I've held practically ever y title there is." "From 1974 until 12/12/1989, when I stepped down," "I remained undefeated in my karate style." "When I was 15, I walked down the stairs in the house behind me on my fists." "27 floors without stopping." "A sport comrade said, "Andy, you're the greatest!"" ""If you manage that, you can achieve anything you want in life!"" "Almost ever y day I train between 80 and 100 children." "They're between 4 and 15 years old." "They give me strength." "Do you know about Andreas' past?" "He wrote a book about it, and it was pretty rough." "Doesn't that worry you?" "Not really." "In the last years I've heard only positive things." "Ever yone should have more than one chance." "My son has learned a lot here." "Now, my boy, Grandma and Grandpa are going to teach you a new card game." "Grandma will deal." "We each get six cards." "It's Grandpa's turn." "I'll play this one." "Whoever gets rid of all his cards is the winner." "So, little man, it's bathtub time." "You can finish the game tomorrow." " Go on, do what Mama says." "Now, little man, you'll get a good rubbing." "We have to get your bottom especially dr y." "And here, between your legs." "This little guy isn't just for making pee-pee." "You have a wee-wee and a sack because you're a real man." "If you take hold of it and play with it a while, it will get big." "Shall I show you how it works?" "So, Andy, is Mama good at that?" "My treasure..." "My big, big man!" "My father only liked girls, and when I was about 9 months old - my grandpa told me this" "he put me out on the balcony, naked in December." "He drenched me with water so I would die." "In the hospital with pneumonia, I fought my way back to life." "Because of what he did, my parents separated." "Where's my super athlete?" "After the separation, I saw my father 5 or 6 times at most." "Shake my hand." "Are you a man?" "Or are you a pussy?" "Are you a little girl?" "That's good." "Show me what you've got." "Squeeze!" "That's good..." "My turn." "Are you crazy?" "Let him go!" "Get out!" "And don't come back!" "Darling, what did Papa do to you?" "That vile bastard!" "What he did to me..." "He tried to cripple his own son!" "He broke several bones." "His twisted face and mocking laughter are burned into my memory." "I can never forget them, no matter what." "That doesn't look good." "Mama will take you to the hospital." "Just tell them you got your hand caught in a drawer." "So, Andy..." "Do you find Mama pretty?" "Do you want more milk?" "What would you call Mama's breasts?" "Titties?" "Footballs?" "Bells?" "Give me your hand..." "What's in the paper?" "More of the same." "Andy, what we do here is just between us." "No one can know, not even Grandpa and Grandma." "This is our big secret." "Otherwise the fun is over, and they'll take you away." "My mother started groping me when I was 6 or 7." "She caressed me, hugged and kissed me, at first my throat, later my chest, and on down to my genitals." "She would massage my balls and fondle my cock." "It was pleasant." "I really enjoyed what she did with me." "You can stick your finger in my pussy." "Yeah, that's right!" "Now move it back and forth." "You're so good at it, Andy!" "In puberty, around 12, I really slept with my mother." "She wanted me to have sex with her." "It was regular sex." "I'd come to orgasm, and not only once, but it just didn't seem normal." "Notice how wet it is." "When it's so wet, you know you're doing it right." "I had to do it all." "My little hand had to go into every opening." "I had to come on her breasts, on her face..." "Not ever yone has such a darling son." "It disgusted me." "It made me vomit." "I washed myself raw afterwards." "You make it really wet so it slides right in." "Then you stick it into me, as deep as it goes." "Don't hold back." "I won't break." "If you don't cooperate, it's the end of sport after school!" "Be glad I teach you these things so you won't be a loser like your father." "During the last years it revolted me, but she found it satisfying and fun." "She would have never quit." "Where the hell are you going?" "Come back here!" "Your cock belongs to me!" "Grandpa, what's wrong?" " This can't go on, Andy." "The constant fighting with your mother, it has to stop!" "Grandma gave me a good idea." "You have to move out." "Go back to sleep." "I have to go to work." "Grandpa got me an apartment upstairs in their building." "Grandpa, this is..." "My own kingdom at last!" "Thank you." "Men don't hug." "It's just not done." "We're not softies!" "This is a house for working men, not a high-class mansion." "If you want to get ahead around here, you can't be squeamish." "You've got to earn what you get." "But you're practically a real man already, with your own apartment, earning your own money as an apprentice in a department store." "You're free to do as you like." "But when the family needs you, you'll be there, understand?" "This is my place." "Nice!" " You like it?" "I do." "Come on, that didn't hurt!" "Oh, it hurt all right." "Do you want to try again?" " Really?" "Sure." "Is everything okay?" "This is my first time." "Can you be careful?" "Yes." "It's my first time, too." "It's okay." "I'm his mother." "There are other girls who visit him up there." "Beautiful girls..." "Each one is prettier than the last, and most stay all night." "Andy's a real rascal." "He uses the girls, then tosses them away like chewed gum." "Petra!" "Are you nuts?" "What have I done?" "You know damn well, you ass!" "Your mother told me everything!" "What did she say?" "You're with girls when you say you're at karate!" "She lied!" "It's bullshit!" "I don't see other girls!" "I was sad because of you and even cried!" "Now you talk against your mother!" "You're dead to me!" "When Petra left me, I fell into a deep hole." "I didn't get it." "Later I found out my mother was behind it." "It was her scheme." "The same thing happened with Sylvia and Judith." "What did you say to my girlfriend?" "What are you up to?" "Why do you butt in?" " I didn't say anything." "Keep your girl problems to yourself." "I don't know anything about it." "All those young things are bird-brains." "There's dessert!" "I hate, hate, hate you!" "My regard for women died." "They were all as filthy as my mother." "The program "I Hate Women" began." "If they didn't want the normal Andy, then they could have the whip." "Beyond that, I had another score to settle." "I'll smash your skull, you rat." "You had a lot of fun back then." "Breaking my hand..." "I was six." "It was this hand." "Look." "It's a bit bigger, a bit stronger." "Who's the pussy now?" "You or me?" "Have you pissed yourself?" "You're the pussy." "You're the dirty little spineless pussy." "You're nothing." "All you've done with your worthless life is disappoint ever yone." "Mama." "Grandfather." "Grandmother." "And a tormented little boy." "Look at me!" "I'll tell you something." "If I ever see you again," "I'll put you down." "Now you can change your panties, you shit stain." "I'm Joe." "Andy." "Hello." "You were great in there." "I bet on you." " That was a good choice." "Thanks." "We could use a guy like you if you're into things besides sports." "Things like money." "Stand up." "You know what I want." "You know who wants his money." "But I don't have it." " Shut your mouth!" "I know your kids' school, where your wife works." "Do anything cute, and it's over for you." "I'll kill your kids, I'll kill your wife, and I'll find you." "Do you understand?" " Yes." "Say it!" " I understand!" "Open your eyes." "Look here." "Feel that?" " Yes!" "I won't hesitate." "First the nose, then the ears, then the fingers." "Do you understand me?" " Yes!" "For little Andy from a Berlin workers' district, the pimps who used me were great men." "I thought, "You can be like that."" "Their jewelry, the Rolexes, the big cars, how they treated their women:" "I found it all good." "I respected them." "That's how I wanted to be." "You have something for me?" " Sure, all of it." "Nice and fat!" "As agreed." "Come, sit down with us." "This is a party, not a funeral!" "To us!" " I don't drink alcohol." "Thanks." "Just one." "No, really." "Maybe water?" "Good work!" "We're proud of you." "And we have a little surprise for you." "This is Beate." "Well built, isn't she!" "Stand up." "Show your ass." " A splendid ass!" "As of now, you're working for Andy." "My program "I Hate Women" kept developing, and I saw that the pimps were already experts." "Listen, I decide if and when you sit on me." "There's nothing happening today, Andy." "You think that's enough?" "What can I finance with this?" " I'm sorry, Andy." "If you think it's enough, then keep it." "Open your mouth!" "Eat the shit!" "The women had to give me everything they earned." "I taught them all my rules." "My method was the carrot and the stick, and it worked." "They did exactly what I wanted." "Do you like that?" "It's a giant house, Andy!" "It's no castle, but it's not a shack either." "For me, it's a castle." "I've never seen anything like it." "So you think it's nice." " It's beautiful!" "I know the owner." "He wants to get rid of it in 2 or 3 years." "We could have it." "You and me?" " Sure." "What do you think?" "Just us two?" " Would you like that?" "I want to have kids!" " Really?" "How many?" "Five!" "Okay, we'll make five kids." "But you have to pull your weight." "You'll have to work the street." "I'll do it for you, Andy." "Okay, sweetie, move your butt over there." "Greetings, my angel." " Hello, darling!" "Good to see you again." "How are you?" " I'm always good." "It's been a while." " I've been around." "Look what came today." " You don't waste time." "Of course not." "Chic!" " You like them?" "I do indeed." "Do you have them in red?" " Of course." "I'll take 6 pairs of each." "Sizes as usual?" " As always." "Sometimes I had 6 or 7 women at once." "Keeping track of my timing was really a lot of work." "I'd have to pick them up, and they had to do exactly what I said:" ""Be there at 7:00." "Call this number at 7:30..."" "It was a lot of work, a lot of stress." "I first saw Marion at my neighborhood swimming pool." "She looked fantastic." "I thought: "What a woman!" "If you had her, she'd bring a thousand a day."" "At the time I was 15 or 16..." " 16." "I was much too shy and could only admire and adore from a distance." "He was more nearly perfect than the others." "No matter what the situation, he was always 100% there." "You're a real beauty." "You come here often." "I've noticed." "I'm Andy." "Marion." "It's a pleasure." "This evening I'll be at City Casino." "If you feel like it, drop by." "Take it easy." "Excuse me." "Do you know Andy?" " Yes, he'll come after his training." "What training?" " Karate." "Andy is the best!" "Here's to the champion of Germany!" "Congratulations!" "You really deserved to win." "Hi there." "No need to fall off your stool." "Did you hurt yourself?" " No." "You're really pretty." "Do you want something to drink?" " Yes, water." "You live with your parents?" "So what?" "You have beautiful eyes." " Thanks." "And a lovely mouth." "Go to the post office." "And I mean now!" "We've been waiting for 2 hours in this damn bar!" "Let's go." "Be glad he didn't show up." "I didn't want to mention it, but I heard your Andy is a real nasty pimp." "Better a pimp than a bookkeeper!" "For me, pimps were nothing bad." "Maybe my world view was upside-down because I'd had so little support from normal people." "I think it is a kind of naivety, but it's also trust in God." "When I found out Marion was only 16, I was shocked." "It would be at least a year and a half before I could really use her." "But somehow I managed." "I'd get near to her, then push her away." "We'd get together once in a while." "We telephoned often." "I had to keep her interested." "Bunny, what would you do for me if I needed help?" "Anything." "Anything?" " Yes." "That's good." "What?" "Will I see you again?" "You'll see me when you see me." "Is that clear?" "I have something to do." "Don't look so grim." "She was always ready to follow me." "Of course, I used that." "It worked until she was 18, when I took her to the next level." "Then things got serious." "Marion!" "Still asleep?" "Wake up." "I have something for you." "Come here." "Take a look." "Really red, aren't they." " Yeah." "Do you like them?" "You're so sweet." "You don't think so, but you are." "The two of us..." "We could really work together." "You could make good money." "Are you listening to me?" "If you'd hustle for me..." "I tell you, you'd make 10 times as much as the others." "We could..." "I'll do it." "I have more presents." "I didn't hesitate." "When Andreas wanted something from me, also concerning prostitution, I'd do it." "I felt it must be right." "He wouldn't wish me anything bad." "Super!" "Yeah?" " You look terrific, believe me." "My behind?" " Perfect!" "First class, honest." "Here are the ground rules." "High heels: at least 3 inches, but no limit." "Or you wear extra-long boots, vinyl or leather." "Does it pinch?" "Fine." "Nylons, garter-straps, and..." "A garter." "Men love the way you look." "You're the winning number in the lotto, sweetheart." "The first time in a brothel was for me..." "I can barely remember." "After sparkling wine and brandy, it's like looking through a pink cloud." "Let's go!" "I'm ready." "I gave Andy everything I earned and never thought to question that because that wasn't so important to me." "Important was living up to Andy's expectations." "Then everything was all right." "For years I did both jobs: the office by day and hustling at night." "In between were 2 or 3 hours to sleep, but it was okay." "I started working the street and found it much better than the brothel." "There was no alcohol, there was fresh air, and the customers were nicer." "In the 70s and 80s, the johns weren't allowed to touch the women." "They'd wear several pairs of pantyhose in which they'd cut a slit in the crotch of about 8 inches." "They weren't allowed to let johns touch their breasts or to kiss." "The whole number took 20 minutes at the ver y most." "Good evening, handsome." "Good to see you." "The usual?" " Yes, you know what I want." "So, my darlings..." "Lots of little guys today." "You've seen better days, my dear." "You come over here." "Sorry about that." "Hi, my little treasures." "Did you miss your daddy a little bit?" "So, my little Rolex..." "Are you feeling all right?" "If business keeps up, you'll have a little brother next month." "Sleep well." "With my new flat, I thought I'd get away from my mother." "Not true." "When she called, I'd start to shiver." "I felt terrible." "My heart would race." "Yes, Mama." "I..." "It was a weird feeling, like a fever, and I had to go to her." "How are you?" " Sit down, my boy." "Grandma made lentil soup." "You like it so much." "The way you look..." "Where did you get the money for gold and those fancy clothes?" "Business is good." "So what?" "What business is that?" "That's not our affair!" "Whatever the boy touches just turns to gold!" "Is the soup good?" "We see you so seldom..." "Tell us about what you do." "Don't get on his nerves!" "He knows what he's doing." "I've got to go." "It's okay, my boy." "Will you come back soon?" "I will." "Don't do anything stupid, Grandpa." " Take care, Andy." "Thank you, Grandma." "You have to come more often." "Grandpa hasn't been well, and he loves to see you." "Okay, I will." "The tax office is after you." "You really have to get a legal job." "Pronto!" "How do you know?" " Because I work there." "Thanks." "A friend said, "Drive a hearse or be a mortuary helper or something like that."" "This was the 70s, and those jobs paid really well." "I landed at a firm that rents wedding coaches and organizes funerals," "Gustav Schöne." "It exists since the 19th century." "I worked there for years." "No one knew what I really did." "They just knew me as Andy, a guy who comes at 7:00 and does his job." "He's funny, does careful work, and isn't afraid to touch the corpses." "What's this?" "Merry Christmas!" "You look chic." "Pretty dress." " Thanks." "Sit down." "I have presents." "Look, a Christmas tree." "Unwrap it." "Nice material." " You like it?" "Sure." "Another one!" "A small one." "What is it?" "I saw it and had to think of you." " Do I get a kiss?" "A nice bracelet." " You like it?" "I do." "Expensive, wasn't it." "Put it on." " Later." "Come here." "On my lap." "Do you have another present?" "What's going on down there?" "Is ever ything okay here?" "Do you want a present?" " Yes." "My sweet little mouse!" "You like that." "Sit up." "I won't hurt you." "Are you nuts?" "Am I here for a Christmas party?" "What's wrong with you?" "It's a normal working day!" "In 10 minutes you'll be dressed and downstairs at the car!" "Is that clear?" "Of course, sometimes I was afraid, but at the time I interpreted it as respect." "I only know I endured everything." "I am convinced that it all had meaning and happened as it should." "As far as I can tell, two panties and a pair of boots are missing." "That's not much, but this is the third time." "I'm scared." "Do you have an idea of who did this?" "I had trouble with a psychopath." "I thought I got rid of him." "Did you have a relationship with him?" "I don't know." "He's a friend of the family." "It began when I was 12." "I don't know if that was a relationship." "What began then?" "He wanted to sleep with me." "You mean he molested you sexually." "I strongly advise you to press charges." "I took her advice and filed a charge of sexual assault." "Later I withdrew it, but the district attorney wanted to prosecute anyway." "I knew I'd be called as a witness." "Andy, please be there in court." "I can't do it alone." "I need you." " Don't worry your head." "For the State of Berlin versus Peter Hausch for child abuse, we call" "Marion Erdmann." "I was 12 at the time." "Because our father was gone, he took care of us." "He kissed me and fondled me." "And I had to touch him." "And I had to stroke him and kiss him." "Then for years he forced me to have sexual intercourse with him." "She's lying!" "Fabrication and lies!" "This woman is a prostitute who regularly works the Kurfürstenstraße!" "There's constant trouble with her pimps." "Because she's lost control of her life, she attacks me with this nonsense." "Your Honor, I'm happily married." "I swear..." "I swear, she herself gave me her key." "And I never touched her underwear." "We call the mother of Marion Erdmann, Rita Erdmann, to the stand." "He gave her a little kiss." "I saw that myself." "But nothing more!" "After all, I'm her mother." "I would have noticed!" "The guy who did that to her had to pay a little fine." "I found that abnormal." "A man who does that to a little girl..." "She's damaged for life, no matter what." "She's psychologically branded." "At the time I couldn't tell her that our stories were similar." "I debated telling her, but I couldn't." "My throat clenched up, and I suffered with her as she told it." "Suddenly he was gone." "I've forgiven him almost ever ything, but that was hard for me." "After enduring the trial," "I had a serious breakdown." "My doctor suggested psychiatric help." "I committed myself to months of therapy in a clinic." "I had no help from Andy." "I had to learn how to get a grip on my life on my own." "Frau Erdmann, please look at me." "You haven't said a word for over a week." "We can only help you if you talk to us." "Is there anyone at all with whom you'd like to speak?" "At first I tried, as far as it was possible, to involve Andy in my therapy;" "but I realized it didn't work." "On the day before my release, I had to admit to myself that I missed him." "After about six months I couldn't take it." "I wanted to hear her voice, so I called her." "Hi, my sweet." "Here's Andy." "I hope you're doing fine." "Do you think of me, miss me a bit?" "If you feel like it, just get in touch." "I made it clear that if we get back together, she'd have to work the street for me." "Strangely enough, she said right away, "Yes." "I'd be glad to do it, Andy."" "Morning, Andy." "Get up." "What's wrong with you?" "I'm tired." "I've been working for hours." "Can we go home?" "Give me the cash." "Is that all of it?" " Things were slow." "Oh, really?" "It's a good take, considering." " What?" "It's a good take." "Can we please go home?" "Do you have shit for brains?" "Get up!" "I was watching you." "What happened with the third john?" "That was hours ago." " What was with the third john?" "You look like shit!" "Come on!" "The john's at the wheel." "You're on the right." "With your right hand you open his pants." "With your left you grab his thing." "And you block his view." "What went wrong with john 3?" "I'm talking to you." "What went wrong?" "I don't know." "What about blocking his view?" "Are you really so dense?" "It's bad business!" "Should he see you do more with the hand than the mouth?" "Are you listening?" "Then what do you do?" "You look at him with big eyes and say, "What a luscious lance!"" "Then you go back to..." "Hey!" "Are you listening?" "Look at me!" "If you want to work with me, you'll listen!" "It can take all night." "Okay, now show me what you learned." "Careful..." "Unpack that thing." "Don't worry your head." "Sleep well, Grandpa." "Take care." "Breakfast..." "I'm out of raspberry jam." "I hope you like apricot." "My feet and calves really hurt." "Of all the possibilities, guess who my last john was last night." "The vinyl boot fetishist!" "For two whole hours I had to go up and down the street." "Posing, little steps, big steps, and only on the toes!" "Never the heels." "Then - imagine this - he licked the whole long boot!" "It stinks of spit, but it's like a mirror." "He took the toe in his mouth..." "Then he blasted such a wad..." "Oh my God!" "Then for 100 marks..." "What's up?" "Why are you smearing me with jam?" "What's up?" "What's wrong with him?" "What's wrong with him?" "What's the matter?" "Did I do something wrong?" "What did I do wrong?" "Why are you smearing jam on me?" "Oh my, what did I do?" "What's with you?" "Apologize." "Andy, please, what did I do?" "Apologize." "Apologize!" "But I don't know what I did!" "Apologize!" "I'm sorr y." "I'm sorry!" "Sex with my girls stopped working;" "my mother was always there in my head." "When I wanted my girlfriend, my pecker just hung there like a little cocktail sausage." "Year for year I grew more brutal." "I'd stick bottles up there or make them push in cucumbers." "I was inventive." "Something happened that astounds me to this day:" "the more brutal I was to them, the more the women ran after me." "Do you like it?" "Open your mouth." "Open your fucking mouth, slut!" "Stuff it in, bitch!" "Hi, sweetie." "Shall we brighten up the evening?" "Cat got your tongue, or are you just shy?" "French for 50, a screw for 70, both for 90." "Get in." "A customer pulled up in his car." "He didn't want to talk, and I had a funny feeling." "But I thought it would probably be all right." "Hey, what are you doing?" "Stop that!" "Piss off, you cunt!" "I'm so sorry, darling!" "If I'd been 2 minutes earlier..." "Who did this?" "I'm sorr y." "I believe he probably wanted to kill me." "I'd never before seen Andreas chalk white under his tan." "Stick your tits out." "Pout your lips." "Very nice." "And how about you?" "Shouldn't we take care of your cock?" "Let me worry about my cock, understand?" "You have other girls." "I'm not your Number 1." "Get dressed." "I've gotta go." "I'd do anything for you." "Anything!" "You can have everything from me, but I insist that you screw only me!" "You don't need the others." "I demand it!" "So, you demand it." "You don't demand anything from me." "Be careful." "I'm warning you." "Your cock belongs to me." "Stick it anywhere else, and I'll cut it off!" "You know what?" "I'll put you behind bars!" ""Your cock belongs to me!" My mother said that." "Something popped in my head." ""What did that cow say?"" "I whipped my car around, drove back, and kicked the door down." "There was Hannah, but I saw my mother." "Blindly I started punching her, and I didn't give a damn if she died." "It was a calming feeling, as if I were punching my mother." "It was like venting all my aggression." "It was bad." "Hannah went to the police, which really made their day:" "a witness against the brutal power man." "I was at the peak of my career." "I had it all." "I had millions, mounds of jewelr y, the power to spread fear." "It was October 3, 1994, 8:00 a.m." "I'd been in the high-rise there and always came back this way." "I was carr ying about 46,000 marks." "I crossed the street and moved toward that streetlamp where my Mercedes was parked." "I was about to get in when suddenly from 10 to 15 people came out of those bushes and another 10 to 15 from there." "I dropped my bag and took up a fighting stance." "I thought they were robbers." "It didn't register that they were police." "They wore hoods." "They came at me, and I started to fight." "Elbows, fist, knees." "It was quite brutal." "I put 7 or 8 of them out of commission." "They were lying there, and I realized they were police, so I quit fighting." "Afterwards I was paralyzed for a week or two." "They broke a vertebra as they were stomping me." "Of course they found my money." "Mostly it was in safety deposit boxes here." "Some was in Switzerland, some in Austria." "Here 300,000, there a million, there 400,000, there 200,000..." "They confiscated it all." "Altogether I had about 3 million marks in cash." "It was all gone." "I got sentenced to 4 years." "I was in prison." "I'm Andreas Marquardt's life partner..." " So, you're also a life partner of Mr. Marquardt?" ""Also?"" "Look here." "You're the 8th." "7 others claim to be life partners." "Name." "Address." "At the end of the list?" "What do you have there?" "A TV and some clothes." "He couldn't wear all the clothes you women bring." "Then he doesn't need these!" "I guess I suspected it, maybe feared it; but I blended it out." "I knew the men usually had more than one woman." "He always claimed he didn't." "I thought about what to do." "Should I put the question of trust on the table, or should I put it on a back burner?" "In the end I started writing letters about normal life in hope of raising his spirits." "We're here at the Moabit prison." "The first time Andreas was here, I couldn't visit him." "I was to be a witness at his trial and couldn't get permission to see him." "So we agreed on a time when I'd come here ever y Saturday and Sunday, and I'd do a little show." "It was important for us both to see each other." "I could see him." "I'd have recognized him at any distance." "I always dressed up for those appointments:" "a chic little dress or underthings and a trench coat..." "Something of a diversion and a little ray of light." "One day..." "I had no idea when I left the bus, but I saw a long banner, a big sheet." "With felt tips he'd gotten from the guards, and with the help of other inmates, they'd managed to fasten it to the wall." "He'd written "I love you!" on it, and that was the most beautiful moment." "That's my man:" "always good for a surprise." "During his pre-trial custody I couldn't visit Andy, but he could telephone with his mama." "I decided to move in with her." "You could start by vacuuming." "Get the place nice and clean." "Marquardt." "Yes, the mother." "Andy, my dear." "How are you doing?" "Ah, the arm..." "It still hurts a bit, but I have help." "She'll take good care of me." "We really miss you." "On Saturday I'll come with the bus..." " Give me that." "Bye, Andy!" "You have to call more often." "Don't forget your old mother." "Tell me..." "Does he fuck you in the ass as well?" "You can tell me." "After all, I'm his mother." "Shall I start vacuuming?" "After 6 weeks in a cell," "I was allowed to leave the prison during the day." "I started working at Gym 80." "I'd say we could work on the shoulders, although there's good development there." "We'll train the stomach a bit..." "I took up where I'd left off with brutal criminal energy." "It didn't take long before it happened..." "I got arrested again." "You are charged with incitement of aggrevated assault." "The gravity of the charge is increased by the fact that you are already serving time." "Do you have anything to say in your defense?" "I had hired a lawyer, an older lady who somehow inspired me to trust her." "I just looked at her, and suddenly there were tears in my eyes." "She said:" ""What happened to you?" "What made you so bad?"" ""Try to open up and talk about it." "Just tr y, Herr Marquardt."" "I do have something I'd like to say." "As a child, I was molested for years by my mother." "I mean sexually abused." "Could you explain that more explicitly?" "She forced me to have intercourse with her 4 or 5 times a week." "Just a minute..." "Forced to have intercourse?" "Your mother?" "It started when I was six, about six and a half." "Intercourse at six?" "Of course it started slowly." "First there were caresses and kisses." "Then I had to satisfy her with my hand, my mouth, a dildo." "Then, at 10 or 11, it came to intercourse:" "real, hard sex with all it involves." "I have nothing more to say." "Thank you." "After my second arrest I got another 4 1/2 years." "The total was 8 years, 4 months, and 15 days." "I served every day of it." "First I was put in the PN." "That's the psychological division, the mental defect block." "Undress, please." "I have to do a checkup." "I need someone to talk to." "What's that?" " I'd like to talk." "I want to talk!" "Can you hear?" "There are patients who require my time more urgently than you." "I can give you something to calm your nerves." "Here." "I can't do more than that for you." "I don't need the damn pills." "And I don't need a fucking checkup, I want to talk with someone!" "What kind of clown are you?" "!" "I need someone who will listen to me!" "I need someone who will talk with me!" "No one would talk with me." "Even the social workers said, "You have so many years." "Just wait."" "I didn't want to wait." "I wanted to learn about myself, to speak, to release the pressure inside me, to open up." "I wanted all that." "Quiet, Andy." "Stay calm." "Damned psyche!" "Just stay calm." "I am calm." "I'm ver y damn calm." "After struggling for several months," "I told the social worker, "If I don't get serious therapy," ""I'll take this place apart." "I don't care if male or female, inmate or social worker:" ""I'll take you all." "I'll be in solitary for 4 weeks." "Then I'll come out and do it again."" "I wanted therapy and got it through extortion." "Hi, sweetie." "Is everything okay?" "Don't dare start crying." "Fresh laundry." "Are you nuts, you clown?" "Why did you do that?" "I'll do anything I feel like!" "You won't do anything once I smash your face." "Try it!" "Stop right now!" "Frau Erdmann, leave the room at once." "Herr Marquardt, calm down!" "Back off!" "Shit!" "Then the supervisor of House 5 appeared." "He said, "I've heard of you." "You have a reputation here," ""but I'll give it a try with you if you promise to stay calm."" "I said, "I promise." "I just want to serve my time and get therapy."" "The worst of it is I wanted it." "I found it good." "I got excited when she took off her nightgown." "I found that lovely." "Why are you ashamed?" "Don't forget, you were a child." "There was no reason for a little boy to say no." "I didn't just not say no, I..." "I said yes." "Do you see that?" "I wanted it." "You wanted to be close to your mother, yes." "She didn't crush your hand or put you on a sub-zero balcony." "The sex with your mother was pleasant." "So what?" "Did it cause you pain?" "No, it didn't." "Your mother began with tenderness." "She provoked your desire." " But that's not right!" "That's just shit, understand?" "How should a child know what the mother is up to?" "Your self-blame lacks a foundation!" "But I feel so ashamed!" "In prison only one woman stood by me:" "Marion." "It meant a lot to me." "The others all dumped me." "I finally recognized her personality, how strong she is." "She ran my sport studio in those years and coped with the criminals there." "She prevailed." "I realized I loved her." "But at the time I couldn't show it." "I couldn't tell her, but I knew she was the one." "You look really good." "Thanks." "How are you?" "How's the therapy going?" "Good." "My therapist says that I..." "I'm like a puppet, he says." "He thinks that whatever I do..." "That all the things I've done were reactions to the abuse." "He says it's like I'm remote-controlled by the things that my mother and father did to me." "My guy also abused and beat me." "Of course he left his mark, but he didn't pull my strings for all these years." "That's different." "There's no comparison." "What's no comparison?" " You were much older than me." "I was 6 or 7 when it started." "Are you saying I'm responsible for what happened?" "If I'd been 12, it would've been different." "You think so?" " Yes!" "Do you mean it was my own fault?" "People are responsible once they're 18!" "I see that differently." " I believe your therapist thinks so too!" "Maybe I pulled a couple of your strings." "You'll laugh." "I've thought about exactly that." "But let me tell you something..." "Look at me!" "What do you want?" "Do you know why I always came back to you?" "Because I love you!" "And in my life no one pulled strings, neither you nor that filthy pig!" "If your mother is deathly ill, don't wait any longer." "Go to her." "Say what must be said." "Herr Marquardt, you'll be doing it for yourself." "And the day arrived." "I went there, and at the door before I rang I thought:" ""Shall I?" "Do I want to?" "Do I have to?" Then: "Andy, do it!"" "She buzzed me in." "Although you're sick and even though you're weak and you stink I have no pity for you." "I didn't fail." "Not me." "Grandma and Grandpa didn't fail." "You're the one who failed." "You failed." "Remember how I begged you:" ""Please, Mama, stop it!"" "And what did you do?" "You threatened me, your own child." "You said you'd give me away." "A little child, your own boy!" "For me you are not a mother." "A mother wouldn't do that." "A mother would never do that to a child." "I have no mother." "Maybe..." "Maybe someday you can forgive me." "Never." "I slammed the door in a rage, turned around and thought:" ""Behind this door all the bad shit happened to me!"" "I balled my fist and smashed it into the door as a sign of ending the matter." "The door split it's whole length." "I turned, checked my fist:" "it was okay." "I went slowly down the stairs, then took the subway back to prison." "Three weeks later the police called to say my mother had died." "I had her cremated and, without a ceremony, had her buried in an anonymous grave." "I just thought:" ""The bugger is finally dead."" "End of April, 2003, I was released from prison." "It was clear that I wouldn't return to the old business." "It would have been possible." "People approached me with offers." "I haven't seen you for ages!" "How are you?" "Physically fine." "Mentally fine." "Let's go up front." "It looks like things have changed in the scene." "Ver y difficult." "All this cheap sex tourism and so on." "It's very hard." "30 euros..." " Hard to believe." "It's the times." "I'm out of it completely." "I just have my sport studios, and I've worked with children for the last 10 years." "I have fun doing sport with children." "I also do charity events in support of two organizations:" "Child in the Center and New Land." "For 30 years they've supported sexually abused children." "In my opinion, as long as a single child is suffering, our damn world is not in order." "I'm ver y proud of you!" "Fantastic!" "Perfect!" "Beautiful!" "To this day I hate my parents and what they did to me." "I believe they made me what I was:" "that brutal criminal." "The psychologists say you must make peace with the past." "I say, to this moment on this day you don't have to make peace." "To my last moment, I won't forgive:" "I can't." "I'd say..." "I've been lucky." "I've led an adventurous and interesting life." "I feel I've come out a winner because I backed the right man." "It could ver y well be that the lady Erdmann will become" "Mrs. Marquardt." "I'd say the probability is 99.999999999 %." "That's the news, and she earned it." "We'll manage." "Don't worry your head, all will be well." "Absolutely." " That's what I say."