"Slow down!" "The paper won't be sold out at 1:00 in the morning." "I'm excited!" "I've never been reviewed before!" "You were so amazing as the king!" "I'm really impressed." "But you know what?" "You might wanna wear underwear next time." "When you sat on the throne, you could see your royal subjects." "Come on, no one wore underwear back then." "I am sure the critics appreciated your authority." "Nice genitals, by the way." "Thanks man!" "Here it is!" "Here it is!" ""The only thing worse than the mindless adolescent direction was Joseph Tribbiani's disturbingly unskilled portrayal of the king."" "Okay, look." "That is one guy's opinion." "All right?" "Pheebs, read yours." ""The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction..."" "Anybody have a different paper?" "Ross, read yours." "I don't want to." ""The only enjoyable moment is when the king is beheaded and he can speak no more."" "Joey, they don't know what they're talking about." "Maybe they do." "I've done this 10 years and I'm nowhere." "There's gotta be a reason." "Come on, you're just paying your dues." "No, no, no." "It's too hard." "It's not worth it." "I quit." "Come on, Joey!" "Wait, wait one minute." "Wait a minute." "I believe this will change your mind." ""In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiani achieved brilliant levels of..." "Continued on page 153." "...sucking."" "The One With Russ" "Was there anything else you ever wanted to be?" "I don't know." "I used to want to be a vet." "Then I found out you have to put your hands into cows." "Are you okay?" "Just a tough day at work, you know?" "Stegosaurus fell over, trapped a kid." "I know this jacket." "This is Fun Bobby's jacket!" "Where is he?" "He's here, isn't he?" " Maybe." " Don't toy with me." "Geller!" "Hey, Fun Bobby!" "Hey!" "You been working out?" "Not at all." "I love this guy!" "I'm psyched to hear you're back with Monica." " You and me both!" " So what'd I miss?" "We were trying to make Joey feel better." "Need me to pick you up?" "No, I'm all right, man." "No, I'm picking you up!" "No, seriously." "I don't need you to..." "It still works!" "Before I go, does anybody else need to be picked up?" "I'm still gonna go." "See you later, babe." "Public display of affection coming up." "You can avert your eyes." "See you." "Fun Bobby is so great." "Oh, isn't he?" "I think this time it may work with him." "He makes me feel so good." "I've been feeling so lousy lately." "No job, no boyfriend." "Well, at least my cup is half full." "Half full of love!" "For our two-week anniversary, he's taking me to his cousin's cabin." "Cabin of love!" "We went through a lot of wine tonight." "I only had two glasses." "I had a glass." "Two." "I had one glass." "I had a mug full in this I-got-boned-at-the- Museum-of-Natural-History mug." "Okay, so that's what?" "Two bottles." "And yet somehow we went through five?" "So what?" "So he drank a lot tonight." "Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever seen Fun Bobby without a drink." "And did you notice how he always starts his stories with "Okay, I was so wasted!" or "Oh, we were so bombed!"" ""So I wake up and I'm in this dumpster in Connecticut!"" "Have you been with him when he wasn't drinking?" "We just happen to go to a lot of places where you might drink." "How do you go to a wine-tasting without having a drink?" "Or to a club, or to the zoo." "Rach, does this have nonfat milk?" "I don't know, taste it." "Too late, you already had some." "What do you say we make these coffees Irish?" "Cake!" "Yeah, we're gonna get some cake." "It seems like you've been making an awful lot of stuff "Irish" lately." "I'd make them Belgian, but the waffles are hard to get into that flask." "Yeah, okay." "Maybe it's none of my business." "Or maybe it is, I don't know." "I'm worried about you." "This isn't the first time somebody said something to me about this." "But I always made excuses, like "I'm just a social drinker."" "Or "Come on, it's Flag Day!"" "So, what are you saying now?" "I guess I'm saying I'll try and quit." "I like that you worry about me." "So, what's going on?" "I am gonna try and quit drinking." "Oh!" "Why?" "Guess who's back in show biz!" "Lorne Greene?" "No." "You know why?" "Because he's dead." "Oh, no." "This is gonna seem bittersweet now but Joey, that's who!" "My agent called with an audition for Days Of Our Lives!" "Kick ass!" "Here's to Joey!" "Here, Joey!" "We have to celebrate!" "We should do a soap opera theme." "We could all sleep together, then one of us could get amnesia!" "When do you get off?" "We'll do something tonight." "Well, actually, I'm already done." "But I kind of got plans." "You have other friends?" "I have a date." "What?" " You have a date?" " Yes, I have a date." "With a man?" "No, with a crouton." "What's so strange about me having a date?" "With a crouton?" "What about Ross?" "You're still mad because he made that list?" "No, no, I'm not mad at him." "I'm not really "anything" at him anymore." " What are you talking about?" " I don't know." "Whatever I was feeling, I'm not." "But you guys came so close." "I'm sorry." "You'll have to get used to the fact that I will not be dating Ross." "Here he is." "Guys, this is Russ." "Estelle Leonard Talent Agency." "Oh, Sammy." "Will you stop calling me already?" "I'm not saying you're not talented." "You're very talented." "But with the bird dead and all, there's very little act left." "Honey, give me a break, will you?" "I'll talk to you later." "There's my favorite client!" "So tell me, darling, how was the audition?" "I think it went well." "I got a callback for Thursday." "Joey!" "Have you ever seen me ecstatic?" "Well, here it is." "Okay!" "Listen, there's something I want to talk to you about." "The casting lady..." "Oh, isn't Lori a doll?" "She's great." "But I kind of got the feeling that she was sort of coming on to me." "And I definitely would get the part if I were to, you know..." "If I sent the little general in." "I see!" "Well, I'm just gonna put in a call here and we'll find out what's going on and straighten it out." "Lori, please." "Hi, darling!" "How about Joey Tribbiani for the part of the cab driver?" "Isn't he terrific?" "Okay, doll, talk to you later." "You're gonna have to sleep with her." " What's the matter?" " Fun Bobby." "What?" "Isn't he sober?" "Oh, he's sober all right." "Turns out that Fun Bobby was fun for a reason." "All right, here you go, sweetie." "Thanks." "You wanna hear something funny?" "Oh, God, yes!" "There are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village." "That is funny." "I needed to buy a hammer and I'm out walking around the neighborhood." "And I'm walking and I'm walking and I'm walking..." "So you're saying you were walking." "But apparently there are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village." "So it's a helpful fact as well as funny." "Don't you have to be at your interview?" "Oh, yeah." "See you guys." "Bye ridiculously dull Bobby." "Oh, my God." "He's not that bad." "Not that bad?" "Did you not hear the hammer story?" "Okay, don't get all squinky." "Maybe it's the kind of story where you had to be there." "But I'm gonna be there!" "For the rest of my life." "I can't dump him." "I made him quit drinking." "I made him dull!" "Don't say that." "He's probably always been dull." "You just, you know set it free." "Hey, Ross." "Hi, Russ." "I've got two more tables to clean, and then we'll go." "I'll just sit here and chat with your friend-type people." "Rachel?" "So, you know what you're doing, right?" "Waitressing?" "Well, yeah." "But, no." "I mean..." "Doesn't Russ just remind you of someone?" "Bob Saget?" "Oh, yeah!" "No, no, no!" "Oh, my, oh!" "What's wrong?" "She's upset because she buttered a spider into her toast this morning." "All right." "Listen, Pheebs." "This is gonna be okay." "Ross, Russ." "Russ, Ross." "Are you a friend of Rachel's?" "Yes." "Yes, I am." "Are you a friend of Rachel's?" "Actually, I'm kind of a you know a date-type thing of Rachel's." "A date?" "I'm her date." "Oh!" "Oh, you're a..." "Oh, you're the date." "This is actually good because if we lose Ross, we have a spare." "Oh!" "You are the paleontologist." "Yes." "Yes, I am." "And you are a..." "Periodontist." "See?" "Now they're as different as night and later that night." "Well, I am going to get a beverage." "It was nice meeting you." "Ditto." "Well, I met Russ." "Hey, I didn't know we were seeing other people." "Well, we're not seeing each other, so..." "For your information, there's a woman at the museum who's curator of moths and other winged things who's let it be known that she is drawn to me, much like a you know." "I've kept her at bay, but if this is the deal..." "This is the deal." "Okay, well, have a nice evening." "Russ, you ready?" "She's dating?" "She's dating?" "Yes, but did you see who she was dating?" "What do you mean?" " Do you not see it?" " See what?" "I don't know what she sees in that goober!" "It takes him, what?" "Like, I don't know hello, a week to get out a sentence?" "It's annoying, isn't it?" "You didn't get the part or Italy called and said it was hungry?" "The part's mine if I want it." "Oh, my God!" "If I'm willing to sleep with the casting lady." "Oh, my God?" "Ten years I've been waiting for a break like this." "Ten years!" "I mean, Days of our Lives." "That's actually on television!" "What are you gonna do?" "I guess I could sleep with her." "I mean..." "How can I do that?" "I've got a pop-up book that told me everything I need to know." "I've never slept with someone for a part." "Well, is she..." "Sorry." "Is she good-looking?" "She's totally good-looking." "If I met her in a bar I'd be buying her breakfast." "After having slept with her." "Maybe this isn't such a big deal." "The way that I see it is, you get a great job, and you get to have sex!" "Throw in a tree and a fat guy, and you've got Christmas!" "I just don't think that I want it that way, though." "I mean, let's say I do make it, all right?" "I'll always look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or you know, the little general." "Didn't you used to call it "the little major"?" "After Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it." "Something from the bar?" "Yes, I would like something." "No." "No, thank you." "If you wanna drink, it's okay with me." "I've gotta get used to it." "No, no, really." "I wouldn't feel right about it." "Just some water, please." " So my refrigerator light's out." " Scotch on the rocks with a twist!" "We're having some fun now, huh, Ross?" "Wanna do another one?" "Huh, Russ?" "Eleven letters atomic element number 101, ends in "ium."" "Dysprosium." "Dysprosium." "Try mendelevium." "And weenie number two has it." "Unless "Knights in White Satin" was sung by the Doody Blues." "You don't see it?" "You actually don't see it?" "What?" "Honey, you're dating Ross." "No, Pheebs, I'm dating Russ." "Russ is Ross." "Russ, Ross." "Steve, sleeve." "No one is named sleeve." "What are you talking about?" "Other than their names being similar, I do not see what you're seeing." "For your information it's a card sharp, not a card shark." "You could not be more wrong." "You could try, but you would not be successful." "I'm gonna get some more coffee before the pinching and eye-poking begins." "I know your problem." "Oh, you do, do you?" "You're jealous." "Of what?" "You're jealous because I'm a real doctor." "Hey, you're a doctor of gums." "That's the smallest body part you can major in." "Day one, floss." "Day two, here's your diploma." "You listen here..." " Let me finish." " No, let me finish." "No, you let me fin..." "Did Joey say what he was gonna do?" "I don't even think he knew." "Would you sleep with somebody to get a great job?" "Who would I have to sleep with?" "Me." "Why with you?" "It's my game." "You want the job or not?" "Good morning." "Where you going?" "Bobby and I are going away for the weekend." "Remember?" "What's with all the liquor?" "Excuse me, miss. in the event of a water landing... can this seat be used as a floatation device?" "What's going on?" "Is Bobby drinking again?" "This is not for him." "This is for me." "That way, he's sober but his shoelace stories are more amusing." "God!" "Even his knock is boring!" " I'll be ready in a second." " Could I talk to you?" "Sure." "This is hard for me to say." "You fell off the wagon!" "Oh, no, no." "It's about you." "What about me?" "I think you may have a drinking problem." "What, these?" "No, these are for cuts and scrapes." "Look, I'm not strong enough to be in a codependent relationship." "Oh, shoot." "Well, anyway, I hope we can be friends." "Take care." " You too." " Goodbye." "What happened?" "We kind of broke up." "Does anybody want these?" "I'll take one." "Sometimes I hold stuff like this and pretend I'm a giant." "How'd the callback go?" "It was unbelievable." "I walked in there and she was all over me." " What did you do?" " I couldn't do it." "I didn't want the part that way." "Good for you!" "But wait!" "I left her office and she caught up with me and offered me a bigger part." "So, and?" "So, you are now looking at Dr. Drake Ramoray, neurosurgeon recurring in at least four episodes!" "All right, I gotta go shower." "I guess you guys heard Rachel dumped me." "Yeah, I'm sorry, man." "She said I remind her too much of somebody." "Any idea who she's talking about?" "Oh, I do." "It's Bob Saget." "She hates him." "Hey, Julie!" "How are you doing?" "I don't know." "It's weird not being with Ross but I guess I'm doing okay." "Actually, I've got some of his stuff that he..." " Have we met?" " I don't think so." "You look so familiar." "Maybe we can talk about it over a cup of coffee." "You know what?" "I'm sick of coffee." "Let's go get us some juice." "All right." " Bye." " Bye."