"Woody, I have the results of your colonoscopy." "Be honest, doc." "Do I have the ass cancer?" "I'm not going to sugarcoat it, Woody." " I found something alarming in there." " No!" " Oh, yeah, I accidentally sat on that." " Really?" "These too?" "Looks like somebody fell ass-first into a yard sale." "I just like to be organized." "I call it bung-shui." "Besides some mild tearing and what I swear was an oompa loompa that I was never quite able to get a hold of, you're all clear." "Great." "Now, if you'll kindly return those things to my ass, I'll be on my way." "Oh, Woody, you're still under the influence of the anesthetic." "I can't let you drive yourself home." "I gave you a bunch of emergency contacts." " Didn't you call 'em?" " Yes." "I got four wrong numbers, three hang-ups, and a "[bleep] my mother."" "She's been dead for three years, so that would be difficult," " but not impossible." " Okay." "So what does this mean?" "Medically speaking?" "Well, you have no friends." "And since there's no one here to pick you up," "I'm going to have to put you down." "Wait, wait!" "Can't I just call a cab?" "Hmm, I never thought of that." "Guess I didn't need to put all those people down after all." "Boy, is my face red." "Kidding!" "I can't feel emotion." "Get me out of here!" "Tommy!" "Shut up and play your trombone!" "3x09" " High Stakes" "Wow, your chest hair really does look like" " burnt taco meat." " I told you." "My pubies looks like cheese curls." "Oh, wait, these are cheese curls!" "Oh, wait." "They're not." "Ugh!" "You guys are making me hungry." "Hi, I'm looking for the "hairy, horny, hung virgin."" "Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!" "Shut up, Connie." "She's here for me." "You're a bear?" "You never mentioned that you were a bear." " You lied to me?" " Lied?" "You answered an ad on craigslist." "You're lucky I'm not murdering you." " Well, we're not having sex." " Murder it is." "Malloy can't get laid!" "Steve has rabies!" "No, I..." "Wait a second, that's weird." "Malloy, bite him again." " But harder this time." " What?" "Yay!" "Let's eat each other!" "Dibs on Ethel." "Hmm, fascinating." "Malloy, you have four incisors." "And you have dick on your breath." " Do you know what that means?" " Your dad's in town?" "No, it means you're a rare breed of bear." "You may even be the last one alive." "Ursus loquacious." "Ursus Loquacious?" "He plays for the Falcons." "Ah!" "Why the hell did you all give me fake contact numbers?" "Some friends you are." " Friends?" "We don't even like you." " Huh?" "Why?" " Simple." "You're an asshole." " That's not true, bitch." "Ow!" "Woody, can I get a new uniform?" " I outgrew another one." " [bleep] you, lard ass." "I'm not buying you another uniform!" "Lose some weight or better yet, blow your brains out, you fat tub of monkey shit!" "Honestly now, you guys really think I'm an asshole?" "Oh, I can't believe I don't have any friends." "Nobody gets me." "Both:" "One shot of Goldschlager." "I thought I was the only one who enjoyed Goldschlager." "You kidding?" "This is the finest gold-flecked schnapps that money can buy for under $12 a bottle." "One night, I drank so much of this stuff," "I panned my diarrhea and I made $80." "That might be the most awesome thing I've ever heard." "Mayor Todd Ford." " The crackhead mayor of Hazelhurst?" " Ah, don't believe the media." "They just gave me that nickname" " because I smoke crack all the time." " Woody Johnson." "The whore-punching head ranger of Brickleberry?" "And they say you can't give yourself a nickname." "Barkeep, another round!" "My friend said he wanted another drink!" "Oh, shit!" "You better chill out before he calls the cops!" "I'm mayor." "The cops work for me." "Drinks are on the house!" "To the start of a beautiful friendship!" "Yeah!" "Help!" "Help!" "Malloy, I have amazing news." " I did some research and found out..." " You're not actually the last of your species." "Turns out there's one more, and it's a female!" " Way to step on my dick, Connie." " Sorry." "I'm having the bear flown into the Brickleberry wildlife sanctuary so you can continue the species." "Let me check to see if I give a shit." " I don't." " You know what this means?" " It means..." " You get to have sex with her!" "And not just once, as much as you possibly can." " God dammit, Connie!" " Sorry!" "Interesting." "Tell me more about this" ""having sex as much as I possibly can."" "All right." "Oh, but first there's a complex mating ritual that you're gonna have to learn." "Okay, now, you circle around her seven times, and her labia will become engorged." " Check." " This is the worst furry party, ever." "And then you begin to growl and cup the buttocks of the female..." "I think I just lost my deposit on this bear suit." "I don't get it, Denzel." "How do you stay so thin?" "I burn a lot of calories having sex." " Does it work if it's with yourself?" " No." "I don't have friends 'cause I'm an asshole, huh?" "See what you know, I made a friend who's a bigger asshole than me!" " Daniel Tosh?" " Who?" "Never heard of him." "No, my B.F.F. is the coolest guy on the planet:" "Mayor Todd Ford." "Really, Woody?" "He's a corrupt drug addict." " He's not a drug addict." " I got the drugs!" "Whoo!" "Gimme!" "Gimme!" "Gimme!" "We've gotta keep this meth off the street." "I'm all right." "He's fine, I had to do this three times last night." "I feel awesome!" "Did I die again?" ""Did I die again?" I love this guy!" "Makes me want to be mayor." "So, what are we doing tonight?" "Ooh, yeah, me and some high-powered friends are playing poker, but it might be a little too high-stakes for you." "You kidding?" "High-stakes is my middle name." "All right, Woody, if you insist!" "We're going to party tonight!" "Both:" "Oh yeah!" "Yeah!" " Whoo!" " Yeah..." "Now remember, the continuation of your entire species depends on this." "Here we go." "Let the banging begin." "Hello." "Nope." "No way." "I am not [bleep]ing that." "You can't leave." "Your species depends on the two of you mating." "Yeah, Malloy, she's not that bad." "Oh yeah, she looks like a movie star." "Steve Buscemi's eyes and the teeth of..." "Steve Buscemi." "God dammit!" "I fold." "Ha!" "Ha!" "Ooh yeah!" "I haven't seen this many unnecessary folds since I binge-watched season one of Girls." "Ha ha!" "So, you're a bit of a hunter, eh, Ford?" "I do love big game hunting." "It's too bad there's no good place to do it around here." "Yeah, [bleep]ing Obama, putting all the good animals in Africa." "Anyway, thanks for inviting me and letting me take all your money, fellas." "And you, Bruce Jenner." "You are either a very ugly man," " or a very attractive woman." " Thank you." "Actually, Bruce lost a lot of poker games." "The first bet was "wear this dress," and then it was" ""take these estrogen pills," and so on and so on." "Would you care to make this hand a little more interesting, Woody?" "Yes!" "Yes!" "I mean..." "Eh, maybe." "What do you have in mind?" "Well, I know your dream job is to be mayor." "How about, if you win, you get to be mayor." "If I win, I get control of Brickleberry." "Oh, I don't know." "What's the matter, Woody?" "Got no balls?" "You want to borrow mine?" "They're in a dumpster in Glendale." "So, Woody, are you going to take the bet, or are you not man enough to be my friend?" "All right, I'm in!" "Four aces." "That's an impressive hand." "But does it beat my..." " straight flush?" "!" " Oh, shit." "I lost the park to a straight flush!" "Cry me a river." "I lost my dick to a pair of queens!" "Hello!" "We have names, you know." "One." "Whew!" "Okay, I jumped the rope, I did half a sit-up." "Why can't I lose weight?" "All I've been eating are these rice cakes." "Those are rice krispie treats, dumbass." "Morning, rangers!" "So, I got a little overextended last night and, uh, lost the park to the mayor in a poker game." " Moving on." " You what?" "!" "Don't judge me." "I had four aces." "All of you would've done exactly the same thing, so this is as much your fault as it is mine." "See, Woody, this is why no one likes you." "You think that's why no one likes him?" "Ha!" "Oh, don't worry about it." "The park will be fine." "Nothing's going to change." "It's going to be so much more convenient to hunt them all in our own backyard." "Well, this is great." "All these wild animals are going to be a huge draw for the tourists." "Uh, Woody, the animals are eating the tourists." "I just thought of a great way for you to lose weight." " Really?" " It's called running as fast as you mother[bleep]ing can!" "Worst case scenario, they rip your leg off." "That's still losin' weight!" "Thanks, buddy!" "Woody, what are you going to do about this?" "Hmm, would you accept "[bleep] you" as an answer?" " No?" " Fine!" "I'll go talk to the mayor." "Oh, no, Bobby." "Rhinoceroseses!" "I told you we shouldn't have played Jumanji!" "Listen, Fordles, can we talk?" "Uh, some of the other rangers... not me, of course... think the animals you flew into the park are destroying the place." "Crazy, right?" "Tell them I'm calling the shots at Brickleberry now." "If it gets destroyed, so be it, as long as I get to hunt down and kill those animals the only way a man should..." "High on crack!" "Yeah, but why do you have to do it at Brickleberry?" "Well, it beats going to Africa." "I hate flying." "And skinny kids with fat bellies scare me." "I know, right?" "Pick a body type, you fat skinny bastards." "I'm just lucky you picked up those two aces on the draw." "Yeah, if only I'd..." "how'd you know I picked up two aces on the draw?" "Wait a second." "You cheated!" "Oh, no." "A politician who cheats?" "What's next?" "An eskimo that [bleeps] coconuts?" " Sorry, I'm very high." " But..." "But we're best friends." "We're not friends!" "You're an asshole!" "I played you like a bitch just to get my hands on that park." "This means war!" "You are now a sworn enemy of Woody Johnson." "Unless you want to start over and try to be friends again?" " No, I don't." " Jesus, who wrote this shit?" " And then, he could [bleep] a coconut!" " Hello, Emmy!" " Come on out, Mallory." " Don't be shy." "I know what it's like to be the ugly one." "But it gets better." "It doesn't get any better." "I can work with this." "Ethel, Connie, gotta say, nice work." "I actually have half a chub here." "So, Mallory, you've been quiet." "Tell me something about yourself." "Be yourself, Mallory." "Wanna take this train to [bleep] town?" " I'm sorry?" " Can I taste yo juice?" "I'm not even sure what we're talking about." "I want to punch you in the b-hole." "All right." "And the word of the day is "extinction."" "Hang me upside down and speed bag my tits!" "Oh, my best friend betrayed me, and I have no way of getting my park back." " What do I do, Malloy?" " I got my own problems." "Some cock-eyed woodchuck wants me to punch her in the b-hole." "No wonder I'm the last of my species." "That's it!" "You're a genius, Malloy." "No, but I still make Steve look dumber than a sack of dry shit." ""Sack."" "Malloy, why'd you run off?" "I thought you and Mallory had a real moment there." "What moment was that?" "When she asked me to fist fight her lady lips?" "Yeah, that was [bleep] hot." "Mmm." "Malloy, you have a responsibility to continue your kind." " You have to have sex with her." " I'd rather die." "Then you leave me no choice." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "I wasn't serious!" "Aw, what a cute little coma." "What are you doing?" "I was able to extract an egg from Mallory last night." "Now I just need to get Malloy's sperm and I can fertilize it." "It's okay, Ethel." "Just close your eyes and pretend you're tugging your way out of another speeding ticket." " Connie, I got the semen!" " Yeah, it's about time." "I got tired of watching after two hours." "Yeah, whiskey dick's nothing compared to tranq spank." "Pretty sure I have carpal tunnel now, but you know what, it was worth it." "Steve!" "You gained ten pounds!" "Damn it!" "I'll never fit in this uniform." "Looks like diet and exercise aren't your thing." "We need to try something new." "But I've tried everything." "Not even liposuction worked!" "I can't believe you were going to throw this out." "It's delicious!" "Where are you taking me?" "I was having the best tug job dream." "You're going to help me save this park." "Now be quiet." "Well, mayor, I guess you really tickled his ivories." "What do you want, Woody?" "Well, I thought you might be interested in a little wager, since you call yourself a betting man." "What could you possibly have that I want?" "I've already taken everything from you." "Oh, not everything." "Look at these gums." " What is this, roots?" " Oh my god!" "Ursus loquacious!" "The rarest animal on the planet, the holy grail." "Here's the bet." "I'll let you hunt Malloy..." " What?" "!" " but only for one hour." "If you can't kill him, I get my park back." "Can we think of a plan that doesn't involve my death?" "Nah, too much trouble." " The hunt starts at noon tomorrow." " You got a deal." "Get ready to mount that rhino." "Get in line." "Oh, I like these exotic women." "Ugh!" "This diet is making me hungry." "I don't know who See-mon is, but I'm eating his yogurt." "Mmm-mmm!" "It's got a kick to it!" "Steve, what the [bleep] are you doing?" "I know!" "I'm cheating on my diet." "Cheating on your diet?" "You eating bear jizz!" "Oh, my god!" "Oh, my god!" "Why would See-mon write his name on a cup of bear jizz?" "Steve, do you feel okay?" "Uh, just got a hold of some bad yogurt." "I'm trying not to think about it." "Wanna split my tapioca pudding?" "You could've just said "no."" "So Woody's big plan is to sacrifice "my life"" "to get his stupid park back." "Cubsy wubs, there's no way daddy's gonna let you die." "I've got it all planned out." "What?" "My funeral?" "Eat my jizz, Woody." "Shut up!" "First, I'm going use bear tracks to lure Mayor Ford to the Brickleberry briar patch where stage one of my plot begins... and that brings us to little ol' stage 238:" "Batman'll come swinging in and say... "Justice!"" "So as long as we do this all before noon, you'll be fine." "Uh, it's 12:45." "You see, that's why I need an alarm clock in my ass!" "Wow, Malloy!" "I didn't know you were in" " the triple nipple club too." " Oh, crap!" "Move!" "I'm outta here." "Great plan, Woody." "Where are you going?" "It's dangerous out there." "It's dangerous in here." "And if I'm gonna die, I'm not gonna die a virgin." "Hey!" "Someone spilled bleach in my warm salted mayonnaise." " You smell it, Steve?" " That's so specifi..." "Run!" "There's not much time." "We have to make love." "Shit, yeah, we do." "Oh, it's time to serve up some panny pudding." "No." "Oh, hell, you gonna tape me up before you split these guts?" "That gets my ovaries clapping and my bung hole flapping 'cause..." "All right." "Let's get this over with." "Come out, little bear." "This won't hurt much." "It's just a little genocide." "I've got you now." "Nothing like killing an animal at his moment of climax." "Don't you shoot my bear!" "Noooo!" "I wish I knew what it was like to lose a child." " Khloe?" " Yeah, Khloe." "I hate that hairy ape." "Malloy, you were my best friend." "I loved you." "Why did I try to find a new friend when my true friend was right here, and now my fake friend killed my only friend?" "Jesus, you're a pussy." "But if you're here calling me a pussy..." "Who is..." "What is...?" "Ew, god dammit, that's ugly." "Why the hell is she wearing a strap-on?" "Had to save my ass by giving up my ass." "Yeah, I'm the only kinky freak around here." "1:00 on the dot." "You lose, Woody." "The deal was you had to kill Malloy within one hour." "You killed another bear who was way too ugly" " to live anyway." " I'll give you this much, Woody." "You sure know how to get lucky." " The park is yours." " I beat you, you son of a bitch!" "Hey, Woody." "Well look who finally decided to show up..." "Batman." " You do know that's not Batman, right?" " I think I know Batman." "He's been sneaking in my window and fingering my bat cave" " ever since I was a little boy." " Hmph." "Today I learned a valuable lesson about friendship." "It is better not to have any friends, so I'm just going to continue being an asshole." "Oh, and I also learned that some guy dressed in a Batman suit" " molested me as a child." " Now that Mallory's gone," "I'm pretty excited to be the last of my species." "People will pay big money to see me!" "Well, you're not exactly the last, Malloy." "Thanks to the artificial bear womb I got on Skymall," "Malloy's child will be born any second." "Ooh, I'm going to be a grandfather!" "Uh, Woody, can I get a smaller ranger uniform?" "This one doesn't fit me anymore." "Oh, Jesus." "What the hell happened to you?" "What do you got all, the aids?" "No." "I've been throwing up every day since I ate Malloy's semen." "You did what?" "!" "Don't worry, I knew you'd be mad, so I replaced it" " with my semen." " Oh, my god." "Kill me!" "Got the only one." "I am a god now." "Uh, that's definitely for the best." "I [bleep] love that guy."