"# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" "Look who's here!" "Phil the fluter!" "# Diddle-do-do #" "Oi, don't go winding him up!" "There could be rivers of blood!" "There will be!" "Look at the way he tucked us up with that paint!" "Just shove that on the meter and I'll see you inside in a minute." "Hello, Ranji, my son!" "How are ya?" "All right?" "I saw your missus on Tuesday - got a terrible spot on her forehead!" "Hello, sweetheart, all right?" "Ranji's a nice bloke." "He took me and Rodney over to Southall." "They was holding this Asian song contest." " Is that right?" " Bloke called Singh won it!" "Singh!" " What you want?" "Usual?" " Yeah." "Campari and diet Coke, please." "How's the new guv'nor treating you?" "He's all right." "We're having this place done up." "About time it was redecorated." "Last time it was done, they'd to keep stopping 'cause of the Zeppelin raids!" "Look who's here - Paddy McGinty's goat!" " Are you all right, Del?" " After that paint you sold me?" "!" " Something wrong?" " It wasn't Apple White!" " What was it?" " Battleship Grey!" "There's a thing!" "If I come across someone who wants their battleship painted," " I'll put 'em in touch!" " You do that!" "You're a right con merchant!" "I dunno how people like you can live with yourselves!" "Know that overcoat you sold my dad?" "It's got a big lump in the back." " It's genuine camel hair, innit?" " I'll tell him that." "Yeah, all right, all right!" "I'll let you off." "I thought you was going back to Dublin's fair city?" "I was...till the brewery decided to redecorate this place." " You've got the contract?" " As good as." "I've arranged it with the guv'nor that mine's the lowest estimate." "By the way, if you come across young Denzil, tell him I tried to phone him TWICE last night, but I haven't got his number." "Just a minute!" "Has he got your phone number?" " No." " I'll tell him to phone you!" " Thanks, Del." " Oi, just a minute, just a minute!" "What do you want with Denzil?" "He's after having me decorate his front room." "A few hundred to take back to the old country." "When you go back to the old country, don't eat any of them carrots." " Why's that?" " They've got potato blight!" "Would you believe it!" "You all right there, Rodney?" "Er, yes, yes, triffic, thank you, Brendan." "Were you happy with that paint I got you last week?" "Th..." "The paint?" "Yeah!" "Ace!" " Good!" "I'll see you around, then!" " Oh, yeah!" "You take care of yourself." "Dunno how I managed to keep my hands off him!" " Come on, drink up, we're going." " I ain't had a drink yet!" "I don't want you falling off the ladder." " What ladder?" " The one at Denzil's." "What the hell are you talking about?" " We're doing up his front room." " You never told me!" "No, I couldn't." "Be fair, Rodney, I haven't even told Denzil yet!" "Come on!" "# Diddly di di dum, diddly... #" "We should have nothing to do with it!" "Denzil's no good at papering and painting!" "That makes three of us!" "You seem to forget" " Grandad used to be a decorator for the Council!" "Del, that was in 1924!" "He used to go to work on an 'orse!" "And he got the sack after two days for wallpapering over a serving hatch!" "Oi, that's another thing!" "How will Denzil's wife react after what you did to her?" "!" "Rodney, that's all in the past." "Corinne's a sensible girl - forgive and forget." "We can get even with that paddy - take a couple of hundred off him!" "We might be able to get shot of that paint." "Oh, yeah, everyone's having their woodwork done Battleship Grey (!" ")" "You don't know!" "Corinne and Denzil may like it!" "You'll make the front room look like the conning tower off the Ark Royal!" "Oh, shut up, you tart!" "Come on, Sylvester, talk to Denzil!" "Say "Viv Richards is king!"" "Come on, let me hear them golden tones." "Come on." "Oh, you stupid bird!" "(DOORBELL) All right, I'm coming." "..sailors doing the hornpipe, jump jets landing..." "Will you shut up, Rodney?" "!" " Del, my man!" " Denzil, my son, how are ya?" "Come in!" "Haven't seen you for ages!" "Where have you been?" "You know me - here and there, ducking and diving!" "Rodney, you're looking good." "Yeah!" "It's cool!" "I like it!" "If he wasn't so white, I'd swear he was black!" " Yeah, he IS white, isn't he?" " Whitest man I've ever seen!" " I'm not ever so white!" " You are!" "You'd make an albino look bronzed!" "'Ere, grab one of these each." " 'Ere, Corinne ain't about, is she?" " No, no, she's round her sister's." "You're not still worried about what happened?" "She's forgotten about it!" " What brings you round?" " Just passing through." " You had this place done up?" " No." "No, I didn't think you had." "We're getting it decorated." "Corinne's been on at me for ages." "I'm no good at that sort of thing." "I got the Irishman to do it." "Brendan?" "You can't go far wrong with him, he's a good man." "Did you hear about that house he did up in King's Avenue?" "Made a beautiful job of it, I hear." "Mind you, I only saw it AFTER the fire." "Who's a pretty boy?" "He's a lovely boy." "Is he yours?" "Er, no, he's Corinne's." "She's had him for a few years." "What fire?" "You mean the house burned down?" "It wasn't Brendan's fault." "A lot of blokes like to have a couple of pints." "Easy to forget where you left your blowlamp." " So it was accidental?" " Oh, yeah, it was an accident!" "Even the coroner said so." "Coroner?" "!" "Right, that's it!" "I'm having no drunken Irishman in my living room with a lighted blowlamp." "Oh, my Gawd!" "Oh, I wish I hadn't said nothin' now!" "I feel really bad about this, what with Brendan being a mate and all." "Never mind, Denzil, look on the bright side." "He might NOT burn your place down!" "I'm taking no chances." "I'm getting somebody else in to do the job." "Well, this is up to you." "As I said to my customers when I was in the painting and decorating game," ""It's your money, it's your choice."" "You never told me you used to be a painter and decorator." "Oh, yeah, it's been the family trade for generations, ain't it, Rodney?" "There you are, see?" "But demand got too much." "We had to give it up." "Listen, couldn't you just do this living room for us?" "This?" "No, no, no." "Sorry, mate." "We've given the game up now." "Come on, Corinne's been bending me ear about it for ages!" "Just this one room, yeah?" "No, no, no, no, no, no." "I'm sorry." "If I do it for you, I've gotta do it for all the others." "Del, for a mate in trouble, please!" " All right!" "Just for you, though!" " Cheers, Del, you're a pal!" "I dunno what it is - you manage to twist me round your little finger!" "When can you start?" "In the morning." "100 up front." "Paint's extra." " Done!" " (And you will be!" ")" " I'll get some more drinks." " Good!" "Rodney, Rodney!" "Nice little earner, eh?" "I don't think I'm ever so white!" "You are." "You look like a blood donor who couldn't say no!" " Hiya." " (Denzil) Hi, hon." "Hello, baby, have you missed me?" "DENZIL!" "What the hell is HE doing in my home?" "Hello, Corinne." "You look as lovely as ever." "Del just popped in to say hi, hon." "Did he?" "Hello." "There's the door." "There's the door!" "She's a card, ain't she?" "And what's HE doing?" "I want you to tell me the truth, Corinne." "Am I white?" "Denzil, have you and Rodney been at the funny fags?" "No, honest." "We haven't." "We've just got some drinks, that's all." "I go and see how my sister is after having the stitches out and I come back to find my home full of crazy people!" "Aw, babe, be friendly." "Del's gonna do our decorating." " What?" "!" " I blew the Irishman out." "I've heard bad things about him." "Denzil, how can you trust this man?" "Every time you meet him, you end up drunk or out of pocket!" "Yeah, I know, but he's a mate." "Would a mate sell you an overcoat like the one he sold you?" "Be fair, Corinne, that was a very nice overcoat." "Looked like it was made to measure!" "For the hunchback of Notre Dame!" "And what about the time he offered to do the catering for us?" "Don't bring that up, honey!" "That was our wedding, Denzil!" "What was it we were supposed to have, Del?" " Lobster vol au vents...game pie..." " Game pie." "..kidneys with saffron rice..." " ..beef and anchovy savouries..." " Philadelphia truffles!" "And what did we end up with?" "Pie and chips all round." "I explained all that, Corinne." "The fridge went on the blink - all the goodies went manky." "What about our three-tier wedding cake?" "That was in the fridge with the other gear." "The icing melted - it dripped everywhere." "Yeah, that's true." "By the end of the week, it looked like a big candle." "I thought you said she'd forgot!" "How can I?" "!" "I have to live with that wedding album the rest of my life!" "How many times have you seen a bride and groom cutting a jam sponge?" "!" "Be fair, Corinne, be fair." "He only got that at the 11th hour." "Otherwise it could've been an Eccles cake!" "You want 'em to do the decorating, you let 'em!" "But I promise you this:" "if anything goes wrong," "I'll make you wish your mum had had a headache the night you was conceived!" "(PAN CLATTERS)" "(PAN CLATTERS)" "She's a little treasure, ain't she?" "Let's leave the lovebirds alone." "Talking about birds, make sure Buzby's in the kitchen tomorrow 'cause of the paint fumes." "Leave the key under the mat." "Cheer up, you know it makes sense!" "Come on, let's get out of here!" "That'll keep us out of trouble for a couple of days." "Look, I know I'm white, but I'm no whiter than anyone else!" " You're whiter than Denzil." " Kunta Kinte's whiter than Denzil!" "'Ere, we might earn a couple of bob outta this." " How?" " By hiring you out for hauntings!" "You're starting to get my wild up!" "You'd do very well in a seance where you appear through a veil of gauze." ""I am Rodney, the anaemic ghost!"" " Del..." " Oi!" "That's my hat!" "You saucy little git!" "Oh, no, it's gone under a bus now!" "They ain't got a serving hatch, have they?" "No, no, it's all right." "Don't worry." "All right, come on, Rodney, get them dust sheets all over this furniture." "Hey, look, Corinne's left a note." ""Leave the telly alone, don't eat the fruit" ""and stay out of the kitchen."" "Don't eat the fruit!" "What sort of people does she think we are?" "Yeah, she's got us tagged all wrong, ain't she (?" ")" "Look at the time, it's 9.30!" "Rodney, put the kettle on for a cup of tea." "She said stay out of that kitchen." "I reckon you're taking liberties." "Everyone's entitled to a cup of tea." "I mean, it's in the Magna Carta or something." "Taking liberties!" "I ask yer!" "Have a look in the cupboard, see if there are any Jaffa Cakes." "Go on!" "We'll soon have this job finished." "Yeah, as soon as Rodney pulls his finger out!" "If this gets a bit much for you, Del, you have a nice sit down (!" ")" "All right, Rodney!" "Go on, get going, get going!" "We'll never have it finished..." "Hello?" "Ginger?" "Del Boy!" "How are you goin', my son?" "Oh, we're all fine." "Absolutely fine." "Well, Rodney's looking a bit pale." "Apart from that, we're all right." "How's the family?" "Oh, triffic!" "Who's he talking to" " Ginger Ted?" " Sounds like it." " Has he come back from Canada?" " What's the weather like?" " No." "The time?" "Just gone 10.30." "What?" "Is it really?" "Cor!" "Go on!" "Tell you what, you go back to sleep." "I'll give you a bell tomorrow." "I'll leave it a bit later." "All right." "See you, pal." "Ta-ra." "Marvellous!" "All the way to Vancouver and it's as clear as a bell." "Well, it's modern space technology, innit, eh?" "I've just been bounced off a statellite." "If Corinne finds out, she'll bounce you off Chelsea Bridge!" " Oi, you, where's my tea?" " What tea?" "I asked you about an hour ago to put the kettle on to have a cup of Darjeeling!" "Oh, Gawd, I forgot all about it." "Bloody hell, I left the kettle on the gas!" "Stone me, Rodney!" "I dunno what's the matter with him sometimes!" "He seems to live in a world of his...ohhh!" "Oh, no!" "Del, supposing the steam started the wallpaper peeling?" "We come to do up the living room and end up stripping the kitchen!" "Oh, Del, I can hardly breathe!" "You may never breathe again if this wallpaper's ruined!" "Look, the condensation's everywhere!" " Quick, get me a cloth!" " I'll open a window." "That's right, go on, Grandad." "If we tidy this place up, she might never notice." "She might notice the kettle." "Gordon Bennett!" "I don't believe it!" "Put it back, say nothing!" "She might blame Denzil." " Del Boy, come and look at this." " No, we're busy, Grandad." "I'm sorry, Del." "What with all the other work..." "All right, Rodney, it's no good going on." "It's just one of them things." "Accidents happen." "Yeah, cheers." "Del..." "look." "It's the bird." "(GRANDAD) It don't look very well to me." "That is most probably due to the fact, Grandad, that he is stone dead!" "You dozy little twonk, Rodney!" "Hold on, just now you said it was an easy mistake to make!" "Yeah, it is if you're bloody stupid!" "It might not be completely dead!" "Not completely dead?" "!" "It's been sauteed!" "What is Corinne gonna say when she comes back and finds out what you've done to her pet?" "I wouldn't mind seeing her face when she gets her phone bill!" "Look at this big hole you made in this!" "Not as big as the hole you made in them Jaffa Cakes!" "Will you two pack it in?" "!" "We've got to think of a way out of this!" "I've got it!" "We could say it was caused by paint fumes!" "Paint fumes!" "Paint fumes!" "When Corinne comes back in here, she'll find her kettle's knackered, her kitchen's like a Turkish bath and she has a Kentucky fried canary at the bottom of the cage!" "And we'll say paint fumes did it (!" ")" "..Yeah, you're right." "I'll tell you what we do." "Rodney and I will try and clear this place up." "Grandad, I want you get a packet of Jaffa Cakes...and a canary!" " Where do I get a canary from?" " Try the boot menders (!" ")" "Don't get saucy!" "You ain't too big to get a slap..." "Oi, oi, stop it!" "We haven't got much time!" "Go on!" "How much is a canary?" "How the bleedin' hell do I know?" "!" "'Ere, take the lot, go on!" "Make sure you don't get mugged!" "And make sure you get a canary..." "and a yellow one!" "We don't want a budgie or a parrot." " You want a canary, don't yer?" "!" " Write it down for him, Rodney!" "No, it's all right, Del." "I'll remember." " Yellow canary..." " Hurry up, then!" "..yellow canary, yellow canary..." "Well, I suppose it could've been worse." " Could it?" "!" " If you're gonna be like that, no!" "Tell you what we're gonna do." "If we clean this place up, polish the kettle, put a new canary in the cage, maybe Corinne won't suspect anything." " It's Grandad that worries me." " How do you mean?" "Oh, I've got this feeling in the pit of my stomach that he's gonna come back with a goldfish!" "Louis, I need a canary!" "Quick!" "(ITALIAN ACCENT) Hey, Grandad!" "Is a long time, eh?" " You sit down for a while." " No, I ain't got time!" " You want a drink?" " No, I want a canary!" "This is an emergency!" "Emergency?" "I never sold an emergency canary before." "I tell you what I do for you." "I got a lovely greenfinch!" "He's beautiful!" "No, I want a canary!" "You want a bird of paradise!" "Is it a canary?" " No." " Well, I don't want it, then!" "Stay calm!" "Now, please, what do you want?" " I want a canary!" " He wants a canary!" "I got only ONE canary!" " I'll take it!" " No, it's not as simple as that!" "This is MY canary!" "This is..." "Arturo!" "He is my own pet!" "Can't you sell him?" "No, he's been with me for years!" "He's like-a one of the family!" " He is my own flesh and blood!" " I'll give you £45!" "OK!" " Hello, Grandad." " Oh, hello, Corinne love." "Smashing weather, ain't it?" " I thought you was back at the flat." " I am." "What I mean is I just popped out to get something to eat." "You going home straight away?" " No, I've got more shopping to do." " Oh, good." "Well, I'll see you back there later, love." "(DEL) That thing cost 50 quid?" "(GRANDAD) Yeah." "I mean, they was much cheaper in my day and age." "I thought they were much cheaper in THIS day and age!" "50 sovs!" "You could've at least got a bigger one!" "No, Corinne would've known the difference." "To us, it's just a canary." "To her, it's a personal friend." "We ought to double check it - make sure it ain't got no distinguishing features." "You mean like freckles or a birthmark (?" ")" "Del, if this one is different, she'll twig it straight away." "Go down the vet's and get his dental records!" "Sit down, sit down!" "Look, soppy, unless the other one had a dimple in its chin and a beer gut, no one is gonna be none the wiser!" "Let's get back in the other room and make it look as though... (KEY IN LOCK) Hey, what's that?" "!" "Quick, quick!" "Get up the steps!" "Grandad, get some water!" "Go on, go on!" "That's the way, Rodney." "Lots of care." "I want this to be a 100% luxurious job." "I want this place to look like a palace for Denzil and Corinne..." "Oh, hello, Corinne!" "How are you, sweetheart?" "I'm fine, thanks." "Do you want a cup of tea?" "(ALL) No!" "All right, don't bite my head off!" "I only asked if you want a cuppa!" "It's all right, Corinne." "We're like that Magnus Mackeson." "We've started so we'll finish!" "It's sort of personal pride with us Trotters." "..OK, please yourselves." "She's gonna twig it, I know she is!" "Rodney, just...just have faith in me, will yer?" "There is no way in a million years that she's gonna suspect..." "What's happened to my canary?" "!" "On the other hand..." "What's up, love?" "If that thing's laid an egg, I'm gonna kill you!" "Look!" " He seems all right to me, love." " There's nothing wrong with him." " He's hopping about like a good 'un." " I know!" "But when I woke up this morning, he was dead!" "I never did like that Corinne." "No." "Fancy chucking us out like that." "Yeah." "I mean, what did she expect?" "How many decorating firms does she know that give you a free canary with every job?" "I shouldn't imagine there's many." "Nah." "But was she satisfied?" "I said, was she satisfied?" " No." " 'Course she wasn't." "Why didn't she just bury the thing this morning?" "She was too upset." "That's why she was waiting for Denzil to come home." "She could've told us it was laying in state in the kitchen!" "She wasn't there." "That's why she left a note." ""Please do not go in the kitchen."" "Look, she ain't blaming us for the demise of Buzby." "I think what really got up her nose was when she went to make a cup of coffee and flooded the kitchen." "She turned down my offer of a brand-new kettle." "She didn't have a tenner on her." "She could've paid on the weekly." " Are you all right, Del?" " Hello, Brendan." "Rodney!" "Do you reckon he knows, Del Boy?" "No." "Corinne's not the sort to broadcast it." "# I thought I saw a puddytat a-creeping up on me!" "#" "Mouthy cow!" "I was talking to Eye-talian Louis." "He told me he sold you a flea-bitten canary for £45!" "£45?" "!" " What did I say, then, Del?" " What did you say, you..." "Don't worry, I've taken over the job at Denzil's flat!" "It'll cost him more now you amateurs have been playing around with it!" "You know, if Brendan wasn't so big, I'd give him a right seeing to!" " Yeah, so would I!" " You're as tall as he is, Rodney." "Well, you can't hit a man of that age, can you?" "Not properly!" " You all right, gents?" " Oh, yes." " Oh, you must be the new guv'nor." " That's right." "Mike Fisher." "Pleased to meet you." "Del Trotter." "People may have mentioned me." "Yes...they certainly have." "I'm a popular character round these parts." "Is it true the brewery are gonna have this place decorated?" "That's right." "In the near future." "Is it also true that Mouth Almighty has got the contract?" "Let's just say he's favourite." "His estimate's the lowest." " How much is he doing it for?" " Aw, come on, confidential, innit?" "No, it's not." "Brendan and I, we're like that." "I don't suppose it matters." "He's bragging about it." "He reckons he'll do it for a grand." "A grand, eh?" "And who decides which estimate to accept?" "I do." "Um..." "Michael, could I have a word in your shell-like?" "Um, I might be able to offer you a much better deal, my son." "I could get this pub decorated to exactly the same standard as Brendan and it would cost your brewery a mere...£2,000." " £2,000?" " That must be a tempting offer, eh?" "Yeah." "He's a born businessman, isn't he?" "Hang about, why should I turn down an offer of £1,000 and accept one of £2,000?" "'Cause of all the advantages it has to offer." "Like my specialised profit-sharing scheme." "Let me explain how it works." "The £2,000 would be dispersed thus." "There would be £500 for VOUS and £500 for VEE." " What, you mean I get 500 quid?" " Oh, yes." "What happens to the 1,000 that's left over?" "We give that to the Irishman and let him do the job." " You've got a deal, Mr Trotter!" " Thank you, Michael." "Brendan, can I have a word?" "Who's a pretty boy, then?" "# We've got some half-price cracked ice" "# And miles and miles of carpet tiles TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or broke" "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street" "# Viva Hooky Street" "# Long live Hooky Street" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street" "# Hooky Street #" "# Stick a pony in me pocket" "# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons" "# And the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" "Thanks." "You got me out of a very awkward situation." "(GRANDAD) The first time I saw this film was in the middle of the war." "Halfway through it, there was an air raid." "We had to run for the shelter." "Yeah?" "Bet you all hated the Kaiser that night, eh?" "What's the matter with you, you moaning' little git?" "What's the matter wi...?" "I'll tell yer!" "Grandad, it's Christmas night and I am stuck in here with..." "I am stuck in here watching a film that the Germans tried to bomb!" "I know what you mean, Rodney, I feel exactly the same." " I thought you liked the film." " I do!" "It's Christmas night and I'm stuck in here with YOU!" " Oh, thank you very much (!" ")" " Why don't you stop whining?" "!" "I dunno why you didn't go out with Del." "He's seeing Lassie again, isn't he?" "'Ere, don't you let Del hear you refer to her as a dog." "Well, he MUST know!" "When she come back from Tenerife, it him took two weeks to get her out of quarantine!" "(DOORBELL)" "Was that the bell, Rodney?" "Sounded very much like it, Grandfather." "(DOORBELL RINGS INSISTENTLY)" "There it goes again." "Whatever could it mean (?" ")" "It means there's someone at the door, you lazy little toe-rag!" "Go on, Rodney." "It might be Del popped back for something." "I suppose you've run out of Bob Martins again, 'ave yer?" " Oh." "Yeah?" " Oh, good evening, sir." " Oh, me." " I'm sorry to bother you." "I wonder if you could help me." " Yeah, hang on." " No, no!" "I don't mean like that, no." "I'm looking for a family called the Trotters." "The Trotters?" "What makes you think the Trotters live 'ere, then?" "It's written on your bell." "Who is it, Rod...?" "Reggie!" "Hello, old 'un." "How are you diddling'?" " It's really you!" " It's me, all right." "Long time, eh?" "Oh, too long, Reggie!" "Too long!" "Oh, it's good to see you, it really is!" "You two have met before, then, have yer (?" ")" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Let me introduce you." "Reg, this is Rodney." "Rodney, I'd like you to meet...your dad." " Where is he?" "!" " Oi!" "Just calm down, Del!" "Before you go in there, you just remember, he's still our father!" "You could be spending the night in the orphanage!" "Del, just listen, will ya?" "He's not the man you remember, I promise!" "I know you've told me he was a right jack-the-lad, flashy shirts and gold cufflinks..." "Well, a bit like..." "Er..." "Well, a bit like some of the lads down the pub, but he's old now, Del." "He..." "He's dishevelled, he's pathetic." "He seems sort of...frightened." "Now, just bear that in mind, will you?" "Please." "All right, Rodney." "Yeah, all right." "Del Boy, good to see you, son!" "Pour yourself a drink!" "I used to have a shirt like that!" "Del, your dad had a bath and a shave, then he found he was a bit low on clothes." "He'll get a bit low on teeth before he's much older!" "Sling yer 'ook!" "If you wanna talk it over..." "I'm listening." "He only wants to stay for one night, Del." "When he closed that door in 1965, he closed it for good!" " Have I got a say?" " Let's hear what Rodney's gotta say." " You know what he's like!" " No, I don't!" " I've told you often enough!" " Yeah!" "That's ALL I know!" "I wouldn't mind the opportunity of judging him for myself." "I never raised a hand to your mum, Rodney, except in self-defence." "Judging him?" "!" "He deserted you when you were five years old!" "And he walked out on his own father!" "But...he's back now." "What, after 18 years?" "!" "Did his watch stop (?" ")" "Stone me, Rodney, we see more of Halley's comet than we do him!" "Go on, just go, will yer!" "Look, Del, whatever you may think of him, he's still my son." "He only wants a bed for the night." "I just don't believe it!" "I just don't believe it!" "Can't you see he's playing on your sympathy, playing on your loyalty?" "That man is...evil!" "That is the devil standing there!" "Don't be so stupid, Del, that's your own father!" "He sold his soul for an ounce of Old Holborn years ago!" "Give me one good reason, just one, why I shouldn't chuck you out of here?" "!" "I can't think of one, Del Boy." "I'm not proud of what I did." "I'm ashamed." "Ashamed and...sorry." "Recently, I've been laying in that hospital bed, night after night, re-living the moment I walked out of here." "It hurts, Del Boy...it hurts." "Hospital bed?" "What's wrong with you, Reggie?" " Something serious, I hope?" " Del, wrap up for five minutes!" "Don't be fooled by him, Rodney!" "He's had everything from galloping lurgy to Saturday night fever!" "Once when I was doing my homework, I asked him what a cubic foot was!" "He said he didn't know, but he'd try to have a week off work with it!" "What's wrong with you?" "Come on, you can tell me and Rodney." "A few months back, they took me into hospital just for a few routine checks." "Yeah (!" ") # Jackanory, Jackanory!" "#" "I'm telling the truth this time, Del Boy." "Look." "What's this? "Newcastle Infirmary."" "I've been living up there for the last year." "What's been the matter with you?" "Well, they discovered that I had this...hereditary blood disease." "It's called...." "Oh, it's a medical word!" " A long one, Reggie?" " Ooh, yeah, Dad, yeah." " Well, can they cure it?" " They're not sure." "I just live in hope." "Hope's about the only thing I've got." "Oh, come on..." "Dad." "These doctors, they can perform miracles nowadays." "Yeah, you've got gotta be brave!" "Just be... ..Hereditary?" "Eh?" "You said it was hereditary." "That means I could have it!" "And ME!" "This is half the reason I dashed down!" "The doctor said I had to warn my children immediately." "What have they to do?" "Go for blood tests?" "As soon as possible." "I've done my best by you this time, ain't I, Del Boy?" "Oh, yeah, thanks (!" ")" "Well, I-I'm feeling a bit weak." "I think I'll...climb in." " 'Night, boys." " (ALL) 'Night." "Oh, and..er..." "Merry Christmas." "Merry Christmas?" "!" "Will I have to have a blood test as well?" "No, it's hereditary." "It means it's passed on, not back!" "You're most probably the carrier!" "A right blinding Christmas this has turned out to be, innit?" "!" "SOME people get wise men bearing gifts!" "We get a wally with a disease!" "You should get down to the hospital after the holidays." "With National Health cuts, we could wait for ever!" "It'll be OK." "I'll ring Dr Becker first thing in the morning." " He won't see us on Boxing Day." " He will." "He owes me a favour." "His son thinks that bike he got fell off the back of a sleigh." "Mr Becker and I know better." "'Ere, just a minute." " Where is he sleeping?" " I offered him MY bed." "You are a great big softy, ain't ya?" "Well, he's not very well." "You'd have done exactly the same, wouldn't you?" " Yeah, 'course I would." " Yeah." "Good, 'cause he turned my bed down and took yours." "Where's the ghost of Christmas past?" " He ain't here, Del." " He's gone?" "Down the pub for the New Year's do." "It was too good to be true!" "You talk about your father as if he's an alien." "I mean, you seem to think of him as ET." "No, I don't, Grandad." "ET went home!" "Oh, a couple of letters arrived for you two." "I think it's the results of your tests." "These have been opened!" " Your dad must've done that." " The saucy git!" "You can't blame him." "I suppose he was too worried to wait." "Oh, well, all right, then." "Come on, then, Rodney." "See what yours says." "All clear." "It's all clear!" "I got an all clear, my son!" "Don't look TOO cheerful about it, Del!" "I haven't seen mine yet, have I?" "Oh..." "Oh, no, I'm sorry." "What's it say, Del?" "The results...of my tests..." "..are negative." "Negative?" "That means all clear as well, you plonker!" "Does it?" "Oh, my Gawd, I thought it was a medical term for curtains!" "Why the hell don't they say all clear, then, eh?" "!" "We can have a drink to celebrate!" " Yeah, I'll have something!" " I'll go and get changed!" " Oh, dear!" " That's funny." " What?" " Your blood group's AB." "Rodney's is just A." " We'd both have the same blood!" " That's what I thought." "No, look, come here." "Look, give us them 'ere." "Look, there you are, you see." "My blood group is AB... ..and Rodney's blood group is A..." "How did that wally manage to get himself a different blood group?" "We're brothers - we both have the same blood!" "We've both got the same mother and the same fa..." "What are you suggesting?" "Rodney's got a different...dad?" "I ain't saying nothin', Del Boy, but I always remember Maisy Turner." "Maisy Turner?" "Who the hell is Maisy Turner?" "!" "She married Bernie - he pulled the stall out down the market." " Yes." "What about him?" " She had two boys." "One by Bernie, the other by a bloke she met on a charabanc trip to the lights." "Bernie found out and he divorced her." "I see." "How did he find out?" "By blood tests?" "No, the youngest boy was half-caste." "I ain't saying nothing about your mum, Gawd rest her soul, but if you put two and together..." "You come up with Rodney." "Just before your mum announced that Rodney was on his way, she and your dad was havin' lots of rows." "Then she started going out with..." "new friends." " That trumpeter from the Locarno?" " I thought he played the saxophone." "No, that was the other one." "I can see it all." "It's beginning to make sense." "When Rodney joined the Boys' Brigade, he was a natural with that bugle!" "Yeah, and when you look at him, Del, I mean, he's sort of..." "..different." "Oh, why did this have to happen, eh?" "This of all things, eh?" "All right, then?" " Yeah...yeah, wonderful, Rodney." " Couldn't be better, Rodney." " What's wrong?" " Nothing!" "No, everything's, you know, brill." "Good, good." "I wonder where Dad is." "Exactly what me and your grandfather were wondering." "What I mean is...there's no telling which pub he'll be in now, is there?" " What?" " I was just admiring your suit." "Lovely!" "It's a new one, is it?" "No, I bought it five years ago and it weren't new then." "Come on, something's up, innit?" "Are you gonna tell me?" "I suppose you got a right to know, ain't yer?" "Come on, sit down." "It won't make a blind bit of difference!" "Everything will stay EXACTLY the same!" "See, the thing is, Rodney, that man that you call your dad...ain't." " Ain't what?" " He ain't your dad." " What, is it a joke?" " I only wish it was, Rodney." "I don't get you. 'Course he's my dad." "Well, he must be!" "Grandad introduced us!" "Let's say no more about it and leave it at that." "I won't leave it at that, Del!" "Are you trying to say that man is not our father?" "!" "No... ..just isn't YOURS." "See, you've got a different blood group, Rodney." "So..." "I've got a different blood group." "What's that prove?" "It proves that you're a whodunit." "That's not the only thing." "You see, when..." "Just before Mum fell for you, she met this, like...new friend." "He was a trumpet player from the Locarno." " And a saxophone player." " All right, Grandad, all right!" "Are you trying to tell me that my dad... was a band?" "No, Rodney, no!" "Just the brass section." "No, I don't believe you." "Mum would never do anything like that!" "She wouldn't normally." "This must've been just a...one-off." "Great." "Well, I can't wait to fill in my next passport application form." "Mother's name" " Joan Mavis Trotter." "Father's name - Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass." "Been for a drink, Reggie?" "Yeah, I've been for a drink, Dad." "I've got damn good reason to!" " What are you moaning about?" " I can read, Del Boy!" "This morning, I noticed them medical reports." "I thought "That's funny - different blood groups."" "Just to be on the safe side, I checked MY group, then I checked your Grandad's group with his old army records." "What do I discover?" "We've got a Lone Ranger in the family!" "I'd just like to know who the old Tonto was!" "If your mother was alive now, I'd kill her!" "Try to see it from my point of view!" "How would YOU like to have a son who you loved and cared for, only to find, years later, that he's a mystery?" "!" "Loved and cared for him?" "!" "You walked out on Rodney when he was five!" "You didn't care whether he had food in his belly!" "Dunno what you keep bringing Rodney into this for!" "YOU'RE the mystery!" ""AB."" "Why?" " You all right?" " Yeah, darlin'." "I thought you'd have been in on New Year's Eve." "Your family were here." "Were they?" "I got involved somewhere else." " Your dad's a giggle, ain't he?" " That man is one long grin." "He got up and started singing Adam Faith songs." " He's still doing Adam Faith?" " He was good!" "He sang "What Do You Want If You Don't Want Money?" What was the other one?" "(BOTH) "Someone Else's Baby."" " Do you want another one?" " Yeah, give me a top-up." "Grand Marnier and grapefruit juice, please." " Oh, leave it out, Dad!" " It's true, I tell you!" " He didn't know it were you?" " He didn't have a clue!" "I saw him years later and he still had the scar!" " All right, Del?" " Yeah, triffic, Rodders!" "Why didn't you come down last night for the New Year's Eve party, Del?" "I had a bit of business to attend to." "Um...can I get you a drink?" "That's very nice of you, but I'm with my family." "Perhaps I can get your family a drink as well (!" ")" "Karen, give THOSE people a large brandy each." "Cheers!" "Let me finish the story!" "I'm gonna have a chat with Del." "Oh, all right, Rodders." "Don't be long, eh?" "You didn't come home last night." "No, well, I stayed the night at Trigger's place." "I got fed up kipping on that settee." " Is that the only reason, Del?" " Yeah, 'course it's the only reason!" "(REGGIE LAUGHS LOUDLY)" "You seem to be seeing a lot of the old man lately." "Yeah...well..." "I think he's trying to make up for all the lost years." " Here you are." " Ta." " Been out this morning, have you?" " Uh-hm." "Yeah." "He took me to the zoo." "All right, was it?" "Yeah, it was all right." "You know, there was animals and things." "I don't wanna spoil the surprise." "I saw him up Selfridge's on Friday looking at the Action Men!" "Why don't you just come home, eh, Del?" "Nah." "No, I won't." "Not with him there." "He won't let me forget I'm a "Lone Ranger"." " He has not mentioned it, honest!" " Maybe not to YOU." "Every time I see him on the landing, he always shouts, "Hi-ho, Silver!"" "You know, at school once, during a biology lesson, the subject of genetics come up." "The teacher said children with the same parents can have different blood groups!" "You're trying to cheer me up." "You're a diamond." "No, I mean it!" "Why don't you get some advice on the subject, eh?" " Go and see Dr Becker." " No, I can't ask him." " Why not?" " He'd know everything then!" "He's the family doctor!" "He treated Mum when she was ill." "I don't wanna have him thinking THAT of her." "No, it's clear-cut, innit?" "I am, as the French say, "oeuf sur le plat"." "Yeah, the family is A...and I am AB." "So?" "What's that matter?" "That's nothing, is it?" "You're only one letter out, eh?" "Look, the only difference between us is a B!" "Yeah, and we all know what B stands for, don't we?" "RODNEY!" "You gonna play cards with us?" "Yeah, in a minute." " Do you want a game?" " No, Rodney." " He'll find a way of winding me up." " No, he won't, Del." "Del, if you just sit here on your own, he's gonna think he's beaten yer!" "Oh, come on!" "He who dares, wins!" " Yeah, OK, then." "Come on." " Yeah!" "Take a seat, Rodney." "Does your friend want to play as well?" "You just lay off him, Reg." " Don't you say nothin' to annoy me!" " As if I would!" "He's touchy, ain't he?" "Dunno who he gets it from." "All right, what shall we play?" "Before you say it, we don't wanna play Happy Families." "Right, we'll play pontoon." "Dad, Rodney..." "Kemosabe..." " You got any money?" " I give you my last fiver." " Dad?" " You know I'm skint." " Why not nip Del for a few quid?" " I can't, after what's happened." "No, I don't suppose YOU can." "Rodney could." "All right, Grandad?" "Rodders?" "Evening, Reginald." "Grandad, stick me a pizza under the grill, will yer?" " You in for the night, Del?" " Yeah, I'm in for the night." "Good!" "We can all have a family sing-song together this evening!" "YOU can join in if you like!" "What's up with you?" "Earlier on I showed him my GCE certificates, right?" "And he said he was proud of me and all that, right?" "Then he went and wrote a bet on the back of one of 'em." "He wrote a bet on the back of one of your GCE cert..." "That man is the devil, Rodney." "I'm beginning to think you're right." "I know one thing." "YOU were right." " Was I?" " Yeah." "Took your advice." "Good, good!" " What advice was that, then, Del?" " I'll tell you in a minute." " There were four in there!" " You drank 'em all!" "Fancy popping to the off licence to get a few drinks in, Del Boy?" " No." " Oh." "No, I'm off drink at the moment." "See, I went down to see Dr Becker this evening." "Yeah?" "Why, what's wrong with you, Del Boy?" "Well, for the last week or so," "I've been suffering from this pain in the arse!" "I asked Dr Becker if he'd give me another blood test - to check it." "He said there was no need." "You were absolutely right, Rodney." "A person's blood group makes no difference." "A mother and father could have three children and each kid could have a different blood group." "Rubbish!" "What does HE know, anyway?" "Oh, he knows quite a lot." "He knows that my blood group is group A." " Why did he write AB on your result?" " He didn't, Grandad." "Somebody added the B." "Now, I wonder who could've done that." "Must've been someone at the clinic having a joke!" " The envelopes were sealed!" " Until you opened 'em!" "I was making sure you two didn't have the same...illness as me." "Yes, Dr Becker was very interested in your blood disorder." "He rang Newcastle to find out what was wrong." "And what do you reckon?" " They'd never heard of him?" " How did you know that?" "I must be clairvoyant, Del." "They ran your name through their computer." "They didn't have a patient called Trotter, but they did have a porter called Trotter." "But he left two weeks ago... ..with 57 blankets, 133 pairs of rubber gloves and the chief gynaecologist's Lambretta!" "I don't feel all that well." "I mentioned that to Dr Becker." "Know what he suggested?" "Fresh air, new surroundings and lots of exercise!" " Like take a long, brisk walk!" " Did he?" "Well, maybe he's right." "Oh, is that the time?" "I must be on my way." " So soon?" " I don't wanna outstay my welcome." "I'll...um..." "I'll get me things together." " The dirty, conniving little..." " All right, Grandad, all right." "Tell you what, I hid a bottle of Scotch under the sink." "Oh, good boy, Del." "Well, I'm glad HE'S gone." "He made it a right miserable Christmas for all of us." "It's all right, Rodney." "It's all over now." "Don't worry, we'll all soon be back to just the way we were." "Del Boy, I burnt your pizza." "See what I mean?" "# We've got some half-price cracked ice" "# And miles and miles of carpet tiles TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or broke" "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street" "# Viva Hooky Street" "# Long live Hooky Street" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street" "# Hooky Street"