"Ah, good morning, sir." "Can I help you?" "Yes, I'd like eight packets of condoms, please!" " Eight?" " Yes, please!" "I'd like three Gossamer, three Fetherlite, the new single by Jason Donovan and, er..." "I'd like two of the ribbed arouser!" " Jason Donovan?" " Yes, yes, that's right." "And can you make sure they're Sensitol lubricated, please?" "Jason Donovan?" "# He remains an Englishman #" " Ambassador?" " Oh, Witty, isn't it?" "Yes, sir." "Yes, a message just came through for you from the Vice-Consul in Al-Rahad marked "most urgent"." "Oh, well, then, I suppose you'd better read it, dear boy." ""Twelve armoured divisions heading south." "Infantry build-up along border continues." ""Every indication, repeat, every indication that invasion is imminent." ""Repeat, imminent."" "Hmm." " Well, what should we do, sir?" " Good question, Witty." "Very good question." "My feeling is that we should do The Mikado." "I'm sorry, sir?" "I know a lot of the younger fellows in the Chancery think it's time for a Pirates of Penzance," " but there isn't a part in that for me, you see?" " I'm sorry, I don't..." "Well, I don't want to seem a spoilsport, but I do think there has to be a part in it for me." "And The Mikado seems the most appropriate choice." "But surely, sir, there are..." "There are more pressing calls upon our time." "Oh, the gymkhana, you mean?" "No." "I think we can let the wives sort that one out." "I've agreed to pin the winning rosette." "Julia is just going to have to be satisfied with that." "No, sir." "No, the invasion." "I mean, unless he's stopped now, there's gonna be the most appalling catastrophe." "Surely..." "Surely, we must at least issue an ultimatum." "Oh, very well, Witty." "Dispatch this." ""Unless you withdraw soonest, your ticket allocation" ""for our next Gilbert and Sullivan production will be severely reduced."" "Ambassador, for heaven's sake." "Not strong enough, you think?" "Oh, all right, scratch that." "Erm, "Unless you withdraw soonest," ""Derek Nimmo's touring production of Separate Tables will not be cancelled."" "Ambassador, he is about to invade!" "Within a matter of hours, we could be on the brink of a world war." "You haven't been in the Foreign Office long, have you, Witty?" " Three years, sir." " Oh dear." "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear." "That means you missed our last production of HMS Pinafore." "Yes, I'm afraid so, sir." " Pity, pity." "I wore one of Julia's dresses." " Yes, I'd heard that, sir." "Little tight under the arms, but otherwise surprisingly comfortable." " Really, sir, but..." " There was a..." "There was a wonderful moment in the second act, where I had to go downstage, as we say, and kiss the wife of the First Secretary." " But I tripped over an upturned..." " Ambassador, I'm sorry to interrupt, but we are facing an extremely dangerous situation here." "Surely it's our duty to inform London that invasion is imminent and request instructions." " I'll be honest with you, Witty." " Sir?" "I don't like you." " Why not, sir?" " Because you're a troublemaker, that's why, Witty." " And because you think you know it all." " No, I don't, sir." "With respect, we are paid astonishing amounts of money, given servants, wine cellars, automatic knighthoods and fantastic privileges, just so that when moments like this arise, we will be able to avert war." "That is our one function." "And we owe it to the peoples of the world to start earning our money and actually do something." " A pretty speech, Witty." " Well, thank you, sir." " Pretty and extremely convincing." " Thank you very much, sir." "The Victoria Club at Rassan holds a public speaking competition every April." "The first prize is only a silver cup, but I think I might enter you." "Sir, there is not going to be a Victoria Club in 24 hours' time." " What are you talking about?" " It's right slap-bang next to the Sheikh's palace." "In the event of war, it's gonna be the first target, bound to be." "Well, hell's bells, man, this has got to be stopped!" "Who's the Foreign Secretary?" "How do we get in touch with him?" " We send a signal from the cipher room, sir." " Cipher room?" "Where's that?" " It's where we rehearsed The Gondoliers." " Oh, that room, yes." "Oh, yes, yes." "I'm very much a Daily Mail person." "Well, I prefer it to a newspaper, really." "In my dreams, I've played snooker with Stephen Hendry," "I've sung with Barbra Streisand and I've been to bed with Anneka Rice." "In reality, I've played snooker with Barbra Streisand," "I've sung with Anneka Rice and I've been to bed with Stephen Hendry." "Sometimes, life can be even better than a dream." "No, I can't stop, I'm afraid." "My wife is being towed away." "Hello." "Don't know if you recognise this." "This is the ampersand we used in the very first series of A Bit of Fry  Laurie." "All those years ago, way back when, in what..." "Nineteen eighty, let me think, seven." "If you remember, the words "A Bit of Fry" went on this side, and the word "Laurie" went on this side." "'Cause an ampersand, of course, is a symbol, isn't it?" "It's a sort of character that can stand for the word "and"." "Now, ampersands, of course, come in all shapes and sizes, don't they?" "And I think I'm right in saying that Hugh has a whole tabletop full of them." " Isn't that right, Hugh?" " That's absolutely right, Stephen, yes." "Now, this one here for example, we're very excited about." "This one has been lent to us from America, where it was used in all five series of Cagney  Lacey." "This is now permanently housed in the Whitgift Ampersand Museum in Vermont." "And..." "Now, what about this one here?" "This slippery fellow." "I wonder if you recognise this." "Yeah?" "No?" "Well, this was used in the second series only, I think I'm right in saying, of a programme called Food  Drink, starring, of course, Chris Kelly and produced by Peter Bazalgette." " Of course, there are lots more, as you can see." " Well, that's right." "Of course, it may surprise you to know that you could well own an ampersand of your very own." "If you have a computer or old-fashioned typewriter, you'll find you've probably got an ampersand just above the number seven on your keyboard." "But, please, do remember, if you want to print it out, always press the shift button as well." " All right?" " Until then, goodbye good luck." "Gentlemen, I believe you both know the purpose of this meeting." "Thank you, Mr Tollerby, but the circumstances of our meeting are well known to us." "There is no need of further explanation." " Aye, let us be about the business." " The business!" "Let us be about it." "Very well, gentlemen." "Let us be in the business of going about the business." " Very well, then." " In hand." "Aye, the business in hand." "So be it." "Sir David, I understand the choice is yours." " Sword or pistol?" " Sword." " As you wish." " It is the only weapon for a gentleman." "Just so." "That means, Mr Van Hoyle, that you have the pistol." "Why, thank you, sir." "Now, gentlemen, when you're both braced and ready," " I shall drop the..." " No, no, no." "Wait, wait, wait a minute." " Is there something wrong, Sir David?" " Well..." "Quick, man." "The hour grows late." "Well, it's just that I sort of assumed, you know, when you said sword or pistol, that we'd both have the same one." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, I'm not with you." "Well, it's just that, you know, I said "sword" thinking that would mean we would both have a sword." "Oh, I see." " Well, it's a..." " Yes." "The thing is, I only brought one of each, unfortunately." "Oh, shit." " I mean, I'm sorry to make a fuss..." " No, no, no." " I quite take your point." " No, no, no." "Well, I wonder if there is anywhere we could get a sword." "Oh, excuse me, you wouldn't happen to have a sword on you, would you?" "Twenty past seven." " Damn." " Well, we're stitched, aren't we?" "How would it be if Mr Van Hoyle were to take the pistol, but promise not to fire it?" "Oh, you mean..." "Ah, you mean use the pistol as if it were a sword?" "Exactly." " Suits me." " Hang on." " Is that...?" "Look, I mean, it wouldn't cut anything." "It's blunt." "See?" "Nothing." " Well, it stings." " Oh, it stings?" "Yeah, well, it may sting," " but it's not the same, is it, as a sword?" " Just a thought." "A crap one, if I may say so." "No, you see..." "No, no." "What we need is something that we've got two of." "I've got two brothers." "No." "Oh, I'll tell you what." "Ha, matches." " What, you mean set fire to each other?" " Well, it's better than nothing." " Oh, no." "I've only got one left." " Oh, piddle." "Bear with me." "I have one last idea up my sleeve." " What, a handkerchief?" " No, Sir David." "Two handkerchiefs." "Are you proposing that we duel to the death with a pair of handkerchiefs?" "I realise it's not ideal, Mr Van Hoyle, but at least it would be fair." "It will take forever!" "I have to be in town by 8:00 at the latest." " We haven't got anything else, though, you see." " Oh, very well." " They better be clean, that's all." " Scrupulously clean, I assure you." "Now, gentlemen, when you are both braced and ready, I shall drop the hank..." " Oh, for heaven's sake." " Arses." "Yeah, people often ask what we keep under our helmets." "Well, I'll show you, all right?" "Some bastard's nicked it." "EMF are good, so's KLF and OMD." "ELO are crap." "But the best is KLM." "Do you know them?" "Oh, they're great." "Cheap flights daily to Amsterdam." "Yeah, well, you might be interested in this tie that I'm wearing." "It was sent to me by some friends in Nottingham." "It's called a Triple R tie." "And the Triple R is a club for guys who've done three complete circuits of the Nottingham Ring Road in the passenger seat of a Vauxhall Cariton." "They've got about, well, more than 200 members." "And they have, you know, slide shows and rallies and so on." "It's a great club." "And I'm very proud to be a member." "So, thanks, guys." "If I had my druthers, as they say in America, I should love to have met Oscar Wilde." "must have been a fascinating conversationalist I should imagine he was very good in bed" "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen." "We'd like to sing a song for you now, but we can't." "That is to say, my brother, Oren, can't, being as how he suffered a strange musical accident when he was a boy, that caused lasting and everlasting damage." "So, if it's all the same to you, I'll sing the song and my brother, Oren, will just tap along to the strange rhythms in his head." "This song is called There Ain't But One Way." " Sing the song, Vern." " I'm singing the song, Oren." "Don't tell me to sing the song, I'm singing the song." "Sing the song." "# Well, the world is facing problems Getting bigger every day" "# We got a greenhouse over Texas And recession's on the way" "# We got hunger in the third world We got anger in the first" "# Half the world is flooding And the other's dying of thirst" "# Although people tell you That this planet's dying fast" "# Well, I ain't seen a problem yet Can't be solved by kicking' ass" "# Kickin' ass # Kickin' ass" "# Kickin' ass is what we do" "# Kickin' ass # Kickin' ass" "# Iron foot in the velvet shoe" "# We don't care whose ass we kick If we're ever all alone" "# We just stand in front of the mirror And try and kick our own" "# Well, we kicked ass in Grenada And we kicked ass in Iraq" "# We've kicked the ass out of the ozone layer Now they say we gotta kick it back" "# We kicked the ass of cancer And we'll kick the ass of AIDS" "# And as for global warming We'll just kick ass wearing shades" "# Kickin' ass # Kickin' ass" "# Kickin' ass is what we do" "# Kickin' ass # Kickin' ass" "# Iron foot in the velvet shoe" "# We don't care whose ass we kick If we're ever all alone" "# We just stand in front of the mirror And try and kick our own" "# Well, you can move your ass and haul your ass And busting ass is fine" "# And there ain't a better place to put your ass Than on the line" "# But if you're like us" "Thank you." "# And you won't take second best" "# You'll put your kickin' boots on And kick like all the rest #" "Thank you." "Thank you." " Thank you so much." " Sing the song, Vern." "I sang the song." " Sing the song." " I sang the song." "Sing the song, Vern." "I think animal testing is a terrible idea." "They get all nervous and give silly answers." "Yeah, you know, it's a pity you couldn't make it down to that club the other night." " What, to Shaggers?" " Yeah, that is a cracking club, that." "Cracking." "I mean, the crumpet there is first-rate." "I mean, excellent." "Absolutely excellent." "Yeah, I'd heard the crumpet was pretty top-drawer stuff." " It was excellent." "It was absolutely excellent." " Yeah." "'Cause you're, what?" "A gold member there, are you?" "What, at Shaggers?" "Platinum." " Oh, platinum?" " Yeah, yeah." "'Cause I just got my membership through for Screwers." " Really?" "Platinum?" " No, no, diamond with strontium edging." "Oh, that's excellent." "Absolutely excellent." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Excuse me, I'm trying to get some petrol out of pump number four." " Yup." " Well, it doesn't seem to work, can you..." "Hold on." "Don't I know you two from somewhere?" "I don't believe I've had the pleasure, no." "Have you had the pleasure, Simon?" "Don't believe I've had the pleasure of having the pleasure, Nick, no." "Didn't you used to be estate agents?" "Erm..." "You did." "You were estate agents at..." "Where was it?" "Oh, Wilson and Routledge." "Well, yeah, we did at one point dabble in the property game, yeah." " Yeah, it is a game, isn't it?" " Oh, it's a game." "Yeah, I mean, the stakes are high, not everyone can take it." "But it's a game nonetheless, yeah." " And now you're running a petrol station?" " Now we're in the petrol game, yeah." " And it is a game." " Yeah." "Well, do you mind moving into the switching-on-pump-number-four game, 'cause I'm in a bit of a hurry?" "Yes, do you mind me asking you, first of all, how much you're thinking of spending?" "I beg your pardon?" "Yeah, my colleague is trying to focus in on your idea of a sort of spending bracket." "Look, I just want some petrol out of pump number four." " Yeah, that will be the Super Plus?" " Yes." " Right." "Er, Simon?" " Nick?" "Details on the Super Plus." "Lady's in a bit of a hurry." " Right you be." " My colleague won't keep you waiting." " Details?" " Super Plus, Super Plus..." "Here we are." "Oh, yes." "Yeah, here we go." ""Super Plus, a fine, well-presented petrol, conveniently situated in a pump," ""in an increasingly sought-after octane range, ideal for the professional person."" "Yes, yes, and can I have some, please?" "Simon, have we got the keys to pump number four?" "Oh, I'm not so sure about that." "There's been a lot of interest in Super Plus." "Oh, great deal of interest." "Yeah, we've had several motorists in here this afternoon," " as a matter of fact, offering cash deals." " Well, look, I'm offering a cash deal." "I want £10 worth of petrol." " Yowza!" "Looks like the lady means business." " Surely does, and then some." "So, £10 worth of Super Plus would be what, Simon?" "I'm on the case." " That'll get you two pints." " Two pints?" "Yeah, that's what?" "£40 a gallon is it, Simon?" " Right as you'll ever be, Nick." " £40?" "For a gallon of petrol?" " For a gallon of Super Plus." " That is a top-drawer petrol." " Oh, it's excellent, absolutely excellent." " But I..." "I'll tell you what." "I'll tell you what." "Nick, do you mind?" "Carry on ahead." " The lady's obviously keen." " I read the lady as keen myself, Simon." "What's to stop me from ringing the owners and asking if they'd be prepared to take an offer?" "What are you talking about?" " Very unlikely, Simon." " I'm not saying it'll work." " I'm saying I'll give it my best shot." " Okay, then." "Okay." "Right, so..." "What does yourself do in the evenings, I'm wondering?" "Oh, good question there from my colleague." "Does yourself ever go down to Shaggers in the King's Parade?" " Or Screwers in Horley Street?" " No, I'm afraid not." "That's a shame." "Now, they're cracking clubs." "I mean, excellent, absolutely excellent." "Yeah, hello, Mrs Mobil?" "Yeah, Simon Flaccid here." "Listen, got a lady in seems to be interested in the Super Plus." "Wonder whether you'd be prepared perhaps to be flexible on the price?" "All right." "She's just gone to check with Mr Mobil." "Presumably, you're hoping for a more attractive price?" " I was going to go for a more sensible price." " Oh, good move, yeah." "Go for a sensible price first, then an attractive price later." " Yeah." " I wouldn't mind if it was cheaper." "Cheaper?" "Well, it's been a long time since I've heard that one." " What's cheaper in new money, Simon?" " Beautifully priced." "Beautifully priced." "Yeah, well, let's see what old Simon can do." "Hello, yeah, Mrs Mobil?" "Right, yeah." "Oh, I see." "Can do, yeah." "Mrs Mobil is anxious to dispose of the property and she's prepared to let it go for £1.95 a gallon, immediate sale." " Fine." " Oh, lady says that's fine." "All right, we'll be back to you, Mrs Mobil." " Right, can we get on with it?" " Yeah, let's fast-track this one." " What about an arrangement to view..." " Why don't we say Friday at 11:00?" " No, actually, Friday at 11:00 is no good for me." " Is it not?" "Well..." "No, I'm showing some first-time drivers around pump number six." "Well, it's gonna have to be the arse end of next week, then." " The arse end's clean for me." " Is it, is it?" "Because of the property slump, 25,000 estate agents, who were safely confined in offices have been forced out into the community." "It's a dreadful situation, but you can do something to help." "£50 will get us an assault rifle or handgun." "Even 50 pence will buy enough ammunition to deal with a team like Nick and Simon here." "So, please, give generously." "In the meantime, I'm going to have to decide which of these two to shoot first." "Goodbye." " Bye." " Bye." "Hmm, jobs?" "Well, yes, I've had a variety of jobs since I came to London." "I started off running a mobile 24-hour discotheque for the St John's Ambulance Brigade." "For when they have those big functions, you know." "They need a discotheque standing by, just in case." "We never need it, thank God, but, you know, we were there." "And after that, I set up as a freelance nudist." "You know, odds and ends, weddings, opening supermarkets." "Did a lot of work for Securicor, funnily enough." "Er, then came the big nudist crash of '87, and I got out and joined a removals firm in Notting Hill." "We did a job for a Saudi diplomat called Nigel Havers." "So you can imagine the sort of stick he got, having the same name as..." "Nigel Havers, that's right." "Er, he was a nice enough chap." "We moved house for him." "He wanted his house moved down to the end of the street, as he said it was easier to park there." "The funny thing was that we'd just finished it and put the last slate back on the roof, and this Austin 1100 came and parked right in front, so we had to move it all back again." "But..." "Happy days, happy days." "Then, erm..." "Let me see, I had a couple of months in the white slave trade." "On the selling side, I should point out." "It was just, you know, telephone stuff." "Mostly mail order work, in fact." "It was pretty dull, but that got me my next job, which was as director of pharmaceutical research for ICI." "God knows why, 'cause I don't know anything about drugs." "But I did do a pretty good interview." "But they rumbled me, eventually." "All I could think of to say was that the pills ought to be oblong instead of round." "And after a couple of years of that, you know, they threw me out." "Which was just fine with me, 'cause I needed a break." "And I went and joined this group of travelling loss adjusters." "Because in the summer, you see, there aren't many losses that need adjusting." "And what they do is that they go round the seaside resorts putting on loss-adjusting shows for children, which was great fun." "God, we drank a lot, though." "Those loss adjusters can stick it away." "It's unbelievable." "Then after that, I spent a couple of months as Princess Anne's assistant." "Well, I chucked that in because, you know, it's perfectly obvious they were never going to make me Princess Anne, no matter how well I did the job." "And it was a question of who you were, rather than how well you did the job, and I hate that." "I just can't bear that." "I was very shocked when my son told me that his boyfriend was homosexual." "Oh, yeah, I was in the hospital when my youngest was born, having my appendix out." "What do I think of John Major's leadership?" "I'd welcome it." "Well, first, may I say what a privilege this is for my company, and that I hope that this will be the start of a long and fruitful European cooperation." " So, shall we begin?" " Mmm-hmm." "Now, first of all, Mrs Carry Bannerchief..." "Tistrada mempot cloonystart, wesker memenchyfud, billiant bolliant belliant, Messi Carry Bannerchief." "My company..." "Hip lokerbelly wimey wimey wimey bobular custole fensefiper would stisterhar bababulan cotrotty...weethlethwisk like marpy fanholer crikerbomb yelymasterman incy gobtratter to tie up a far-reaching European deal with your company." "...te." "But I hope you will agree..." "Wop bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum that the price must be fair to both parties." "...linhakky tutular..." "Er..." "Problem?" "Well, it's just that there's no such word as "price" in Strom." " Oh, well, cost?" " Not really." " Hinty pepapular?" " Fatcock." "But you..." "Well, you must have a word for the amount of money that is to be paid for something?" "Not really." "There's "hifty bewn-hate"." "Right, and what does that mean?" "Well, it means "price" in the sense of "exploding vest"." "There's no sense in which "price" means "exploding vest"." "Well, it's the closest we get." "Well, all right, the exploding vest must be fair to both parties." " Hifty bewn-hate." "Hippy hap-wipe." " Weethle-wisk prenty arse." " That would be perfectly sofa factory." " Right." "Well, all that remains is the long-term contracts..." "Sorry, what's so..." " You said, "Long-term contracts."" " Yes?" "Yes, well, you see, to us that's very funny, because long-term contracts is what you would call a wee-wee." "Wee-wee." " Is it, really?" " Yes." "Well, the long-term contract" " for after-sales service." " What?" "After-sales service." "Fudd nob!" "Ow!" " Well, I do apologise." " What on earth did she do that for?" "Well, I think maybe Mrs Carry Bannerchief wasn't so happy you should insult her." "All I said was after-sales service." "So you do speak Strom, after all?" "No, well..." "No." "I mean, what does it mean?" "Well, it's very hard to define, but I could show you if I had a goat and four pairs of Marigold washing up gloves, and a very short billiard cue, and a local radio weatherman..." "But that would only hint at what the word means." "Oh, dear." " Oh, well, what now?" " You said, "Oh, dear."" "Well, what does "dear" mean?" "You really are cruising for a bruising." ""Dear" is a very bad word to say." "It means, in our..." "Well, it means a sort of animal with wet noses and big, soft brown eyes and the antlings." "And it's the worst thing you can call anybody." "So, well, I suggest we have a cooling-off period." "You go and consult your principals." "I'll try and placate Mrs Carry Bannerchief." "Any luck with Mrs Carry Bannerchief?" "No, I'm afraid she's inconsolables." "Well, this is more than a little embarrassing." "I had hoped by the end of today to tie up all the details." " How dare you!" " What now?" "I mean, what have I..." " For goodness' sake." " "Sake"?" "Careful!" "Mind my glasses." " Well, that's about it for this week." " That's right." " Time, the old enemy..." " Oh, shut up." "Right, I'm sorry." "So, until we meet again," " it's good night from me." " And it's good night from me." "We're going to leave you with tonight's cocktail recipe," "A Slow Snog With A Distant Relative." "For this, you'll need three measures brandy, two of dark rum, one of white gin, one of yellow, a spoonful of crushed sugar puffs, two hard-boiled eggs and an open-toed sandal." "Size nine, if you can get it." "Please, Mr Music, will you play?" "Enjoy." " Soupy twist." " Soupy twist."