"Dearest, I feel certain that I am going mad again." "I feel we can't go through another of these terrible times, and I... shan't recover this time." "I begin to hear voices, and can't concentrate." "So, I am doing what seems to be the best thing to do." "You have given me the greatest possible happiness." "You have been in every way all that anyone could be." "I know that I am spoiling your life, and without me, you could work." "And you will," "I know." "You see, I can't even write this properly." "What I want to say is that I owe all the happiness of my life to you." "You have been entirely patient with me... and incredibly good." "Everything's gone from me but the certainty of your goodness." "I can't go on spoiling your life any longer." "I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been." "Virginia." "Good morning, Doctor." "Mr. Woolf." "No worse, I think." "I see." "The main thing is to keep her where she is, and calm." "Friday, then." "Good morning, Leonard." "Good morning, Virginia." "How was your sleep ?" "Uneventful." "The headaches ?" "No." "No headaches." "Doctor seemed pleased." "That's all from this morning ?" "Yes." "This young man has submitted his manuscript." "I've found three errors of fact and two spelling mistakes, and I'm not yet on page four." "Have you had breakfast ?" "Yes." "Liar." "Virginia, it's not my insistence." "It's your own doctor's." "I'm going to send" "Nelly up with some fruit and a bun." "Right." "Lunch, then." "Proper lunch, husband and wife sitting down together... soup, pudding and all." "By force if necessary." "Leonard, I believe I may have a first sentence." "Work, then." "Then you must eat." "Mrs. Dalloway said... she would buy the flowers..." "herself." "Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself." "Sally, I think I'll buy the flowers myself." "What ?" "What flowers ?" "Oh, shit." "I forgot." "You're never going to be a big boy if you don't eat your breakfast." "You're going to be the big brother." "It's a very important job." "Happy birthday." " Morning, honey." " Oh, Dan." "Roses on your own birthday." "You're too much." "Really." "He'll eat it now that you're here." "It's your birthday." "You shouldn't be out buying me flowers." "Well, you were still sleeping." "So ?" "Well, we decided it would be better if we let you sleep in a little, didn't we ?" "Morning, bug." "You need to rest, Laura." "You're only four months away." "Dan, don't." "I'm fine." "I'm just tired." "I've been telling him he's got to eat his breakfast." "That's true." "So, it's a beautiful day." "What are you two going to be doing with it ?" "We've got our plans, don't we ?" "What plans ?" "Hmm..." "Well, it wouldn't be much of a party, would it, if I told you every detail in advance ?" "Well, I better just stop asking questions then, huh ?" "That the time ?" "I better get going." "Have a good day." "You, too." "Dan, happy birthday." "Oh, thank you." "You need to finish your breakfast." "Oh, I'm going to make a cake." "That's what I'm going to do." "I'm going to make the cake for Daddy's birthday." "Mommy, can I help ?" "Can I help make the cake ?" "Of course you can, sweet pea." "I'm not going to do anything without you." "No, of course." "You have to come." "Of course." "Well, I always wanted you and everybody involved in the actual ceremony." "I don't know." "Around 60." "Well, it will." "It'll mean so much." "The whole occasion." "It's the least I can do to have a nice dinner and say thank you to everybody." "You've done so much for him." "Oh, I take that as a yes." "He'll be thrilled." "Oh, my God." "I'm thrilled." "Oh, good." "What if nobody comes ?" "This is Clarissa Vaughan." "Yes, I am just confirming that you're sending a car to pick me up first." "Yeah." " Hi, Clarissa." " Hi, can't talk." "And then we're going over to 679 Hudson, which is at 9th and 14th." "Then you will take me uptown and you will wait for us." "And it'll be over at seven." "Flowers !" "What a beautiful morning." "Hi, Clarissa." "How are you ?" "I'm having a party." "My friend Richard's won the Carruthers." "Well, that's just terrific... if I knew what it was." "It's a poetry prize for a life's work." "It's the most prestigious." "For a poet, it's the best you can do." "Oh, very good." "So, what would you like ?" "The lilies are perfect." "No." "Too morbid." "Hydrangeas, I think." "And, um..." "Oh, oh, let's just have buckets of roses." "And..." "I think I'm going to take these with me." "Rodney ?" "Okay." "Thank you." "I actually tried to read Richard's novel." "You did ?" "Oh, I know." "It's not easy." "I know." "It did take him ten years to write." "Maybe it just takes another ten to read." "It's you, isn't it ?" "What is ?" "In the novel, isn't it meant to be you ?" "Oh, I see." "Yeah." "Sort of." "I mean, in a way." "You know, Richard's a writer." "That's what he is." "He uses things which actually happen." "Yeah." "And years ago, he and I were students." "That's true." "But, you know, then he changes things." "Oh, sure." "I don't mean in a bad way." "It's more like..." "he makes them his own." "A woman's whole life... in a single day, just one day... and in that day, her whole life." "This is what we need." "Shortening..." "Mrs. Dalloway, it's you." "Yes, it's me !" "Oh..." "It's me." "Come in." "Richard, it's a beautiful morning." "How about we let in a little more light ?" "Is it still morning ?" "Yes, it is." "Have I died ?" "Good morning, my dear." "Any visitors ?" "Yes." "Are they still here ?" "No." "They've gone." "Mm." "How'd they look ?" "Today ?" "Sort of like black fire." "I mean, sort of light and dark at the same time." "There was one a bit like an electrified jellyfish." "They were singing." "May have been Greek." "So the ceremony is at 5:00." "Do you remember ?" "And then... the party is right after." "They did bring you breakfast, didn't they ?" "What a question." "Of course." "Richard, you did eat it ?" "Well, can you see it ?" "Is it here ?" "Any breakfast lying around ?" "No, I don't see it." "Well, then I must have eaten it, mustn't I ?" "I suppose." "Does it matter ?" "Of course, it matters." "You know what the doctors say." "Have you been skipping pills ?" "Clarissa, I can't take this." "Take what ?" "Having to be proud and brave in front of everybody." "Oh." "Honey, it's not a performance." "Of course it is." "I got the prize for my performance." "Well, that is nonsense." "I got the prize for having AIDS and going nuts and being brave about it." "I actually got the prize for having come through." "It's not true." " For surviving, that's what" " It's not true." "I got the prize for." "Oh, you think they would have given it to me if I were healthy ?" "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do." "Is it here somewhere ?" "What ?" "The prize." "I'd like to look at it." "No, you haven't gotten it yet." "It's tonight." "Are you sure ?" "Um..." "I remember the ceremony perfectly." "I seem to have fallen out of time." "Richard. it's a party, and it's only a party." "Hmm ?" "Populated entirely by people who respect and admire you." "A small party, is it ?" "A select party, is it ?" "Your friends." "I thought I lost all my friends." "I thought I drove my friends crazy." "Jesus." "Oh, Mrs. Dalloway, always giving parties to cover the silence." "Richard..." "You won't need to do anything." "All you have to do is appear, sit on the sofa." "And I will be there." "This is a group of people who want to tell you your work is going to live." "Oh, is it ?" "Is my work going to live ?" "I can't go through with it, Clarissa." "Oh..." "Why do you say that ?" " I can't." " Why ?" "Because I wanted to be a writer, that's all." "So ?" "I wanted to write about it all." "Everything that happens in a moment." "The way the flowers looked when you carried them in your arms." "This towel, how it... smells, how it feels." "This thread." "All our feelings, yours and mine." "The history of it, who we once were." "Everything in the world." "Everything all mixed up... like it's all mixed up now." "And I failed." "I failed." "No matter what you start with, it ends up being so much less." "Sheer fucking pride... and stupidity." "We want everything, don't we ?" "I suppose we do." "You kissed me on a beach." "Yeah." "Do you remember... how many years ago ?" "Of course." "What did you want then ?" "Come closer." "I'm right here." "Come closer, would you, please ?" "Take my hand." "Would you be angry ?" "Would I be angry if you didn't show up at the party ?" "Would you be angry if I died ?" "If you died ?" "Who is this party for ?" "What do you mean, who's it for ?" "What are you asking ?" "What are you trying to say ?" "I'm not trying to say anything." "Mm." "I'm saying..." "I think I'm only staying alive to satisfy you." "Well... so that is what we do." "That is what people do." "They stay alive for each other." "And the doctors told you, you-you don't need to die." "They told you that." "You can..." "live like this for years." "Well, exactly." "I don't accept this." "I don't accept what you say." "Oh." "And it's for you to decide, is it ?" "How long have you been doing that ?" "How many years ?" "Coming to the apartment." "What about your own life ?" "What about Sally ?" "Just wait till I die." "Then you'll have to think of yourself." "How are you going to like that ?" "Richard... it would be great if you did come to the party, if you felt well enough to come." "Just to let you know," "I am making the crab thing." "Not that I imagine it makes any difference to you." "Of course, it makes a difference." "I love the crab thing." "Clarissa ?" "Yes ?" "I'll be back at 3:30, and I'll help you get dressed." "Wonderful." "3:30." "Wonderful." "It's on this day, this day of all days... her fate becomes clear to her." "Excuse me, Mrs. Woolf." "Mr. Woolf said I was to come and speak with you." "I've nearly finished, Nelly." "You can tell me in the kitchen." "I'll be down very soon." "Hmm." "What happens is, she says she wants something, and then it turns out she doesn't." "Well, she never does, does she ?" "She never wants anything." "Mm-hmm." "Especially when she's particularly after it." "That's a sure sign." "I wish I'd been there." "I wish you had, too." "Did you give her that look ?" "That sort of look you do ?" "I said, Madam..." "Yes, Nelly, tell me." "How can I help ?" "It's about lunch." "I just had to go ahead on my own." "I understand." "You chose a pie ?" "I chose a lamb pie." "That seems suitable." "You being so busy with your writing..." "I had no instructions." "You do remember that my sister is coming at 4:00 with the children ?" "Yes, ma'am." "I hadn't forgotten." "China tea, I think." "And ginger." "Ginger, Madam ?" "I'd like to give the children a treat." "We'd have to go to London for ginger, Madam." "I haven't finished this, and there's the rest of lunch to get ready." "The 12:30 train, Nelly, will get you into London just after 1:00." "If you return on the 2:30, you should be back in Richmond soon after 3:00." "Do I miscalculate ?" "No." "Well, then, is something detaining you, Nelly ?" "I can't think of anything more exhilarating than a trip to London." " Good morning, Mrs. Woolf." " Good morning." "We shall publish no more new authors." "I have to tell you," "I've discovered ten errors in the first proof." "Lucky to have found them then." "Passiondale was a... charnel house from which no min returned." "Do you think it's possible that bad writing actually attracts a higher incidence of error ?" "If it's all right, I thought I might take a short walk." "Not far ?" "No." "Just for air." "Go then." "If I could walk midmorning," "I'd be a happy man." "She'll die." "She's going to die." "That's what's going to happen." "Huh." "That's it." "She'll kill herself." "She'll kill herself over something which doesn't seem to matter." "Let's think." "You grease the pan, Mommy." "I know you grease the pan, sweet one." "Even Mommy knows that." "This is what we're going to do." "Flour... bowl... sifter." "Can I do it, Mommy ?" "Can you sift the flour ?" "Yes, you can sift the flour, baby, if that's what makes you happy." "Yeah." "Isn't it beautiful ?" "Don't you think it looks like snow ?" "Hmm ?" "Okay." "Now, the next thing..." "The next thing I'm going to show you... uh, is... we measure out the cups." "Mommy, it isn't that difficult." "Now, I know." "I know it isn't difficult." "It's just that I..." "I just want to do this for Daddy." "Because it's his birthday ?" "That's right." "We're baking the cake to show him that we love him." "Otherwise he won't know we love him ?" "That's right." "I got all the stuff." "I'm going right out again." "My God, what a zoo !" "Why do people have to talk about dry cleaning ?" "I mean, what is there to talk about ?" "I bought you some flowers." "Where are you ?" "In here." "I got someone at work to cover me." "I'll be with you all night." "Are you all right ?" "Sure." "I guess you saw Richard." "That's right." "Well, of course." "I bet he said," "Oh, by the way, honey, do you mind ?" "Can I skip the party ?" "Don't worry." "He always shows up." "Oh, sure." "In the end." "What, Richard miss an award ?" "A chance to talk about his work." "I don't think so." "He'll show up." "You did the seating." "I did." "I don't believe it..." "Louis Waters." "Is Louis coming ?" "Richard's Louis ?" "He is." "You put him next to me." "Why do I always have to sit next to the exes ?" "Is this some kind of a hint, sweetheart ?" "And, anyway, shouldn't the exes have a table of their own, where they can all ex together in ex-quisite agony ?" "I'm off." "Try not to pass out from excitement." "Clarissa... it's going to be beautiful." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Why is everything wrong ?" "It didn't work." "Damn it !" "It didn't work." "Hey, Scott." "Hi, Mrs. Barlowe." "Mommy, Mommy, there's someone at the door !" "Hello ?" "Hello ?" "Laura ?" "Hi, Kitty." "Hi." "Am I interrupting ?" "Oh, of course not." "Come in." "Are you all right ?" "Why, sure." "Hi, Richie." "Sit down." "I've got coffee on." "Um, would you like some ?" "Please." "Oh, look." "You made a cake." "I know." "Didn't work." "I thought it was going to work." "I thought it would work better than that." "Oh, Laura, I don't understand why you find it so difficult." "I don't know either." "Anyone can make a cake." "I know." "Everyone can." "It's ridiculously easy." "Like, I bet you didn't even grease the pan." "I greased the pan." "All right." "You know, you have other virtues... and Dan loves you so much, he won't even notice." "Whatever you do, he's going to say it's wonderful." "Well, it's true." "Does Ray have a birthday ?" "Sure he does." "When is it ?" "September." "We go to the country club." "We always go to the country club." "We drink martinis and spend the day with 50 people." "Ray's got a lot of friends." "He does." "You both have a lot of friends." "You're good at it." "How is Ray ?" "I haven't seen him in a while." "Ray's fine." "Mmm." "These guys are something, aren't they ?" "You can say that again." "They came home from the war." "They deserved it, didn't they ?" "After what they'd been through." "What... did they deserve ?" "I don't know." "Us, I guess." "All this." "Oh." "You're reading a book." "Yeah." "What's this one about ?" "Oh, it's about... this woman who's incredibly..." "Well, she's a hostess, and she's incredibly confident, and she's going to give a party, and maybe because she's confident, everyone thinks she's fine... but she isn't." "So." "Well." "Kitty, what is it ?" "Is something wrong ?" "I, uh..." "I have to go into the hospital for a couple of days." "Kitty." "Yeah." "I have, um... some kind of... growth, in my uterus, and they're going to go in and take a look." "When ?" "This afternoon." "Well, I need you to feed the dog." "Of course." "Is that what you came here to ask ?" "What did the doctor say exactly ?" "Well, it's probably what the trouble's been." "About getting pregnant." "The thing is..." "I mean, you know," "I've been..." "really happy with Ray." "And now it turns out there was a reason." "There was a reason I couldn't conceive." "You're lucky, Laura." "I don't think you can call yourself a woman until you're a mother." "The joke is... all my life I could do everything." "I mean, I could do anything, really." "Except the one thing I wanted." "Yes." "That's all." "Well, at least now they'll be able to deal with it." "That's right." "That's what they're doing." "That's right." "Mm." "I'm not worried." "What would be the point of worrying ?" "No, it's not in your hands." "But that's it." "It's in the hands of some physician I've never even met." "Some surgeon who probably drinks more martinis than Ray and..." "Oh, Kitty." "I'm mean, of course I'm worried about Ray." "Come here." "I'm doing fine." "Really." "I know." "I know you are." "I'm more worried about Ray." "If anything, he's not good with this stuff." "Forget about him, hmm ?" "Just forget about Ray." "You're sweet." "You know the routine, right ?" "Half a can in the evening, and... check the water now and then, and Ray will feed him in the morning." "Kitty, you didn't mind ?" "What ?" "I didn't mind what ?" "Do you want me to drive you ?" "I think I'll feel better if I drive myself." "Kitty, it's going to be all right." "Of course it is." "Bye." "What ?" "What do you want ?" "Mr. Woolf, Mrs. Bell has arrived." "Not due till 4:00." "I can't help it." "She's here." "You look a perfect angel." "Don't let the boys make fun of you." "Fly away, fly." "Virginia." "Leonard thinks it's the end of civilization... people who are invited at 4:00 and arrive at 2:30." "Oh, God." "Barbarians." "Well, we finished lunch sooner than we imagined." "I've had to send Nelly off to London for sugar ginger." "Oh, Virginia." "You're not still frightened of the servants, are you ?" "Come on." "And how are you, sister ?" "Frantic." "It's been ridiculous in London." "Ridiculous ?" "How ?" "Busy." "Why is busy ridiculous ?" "I would have invited you to our party, but I knew you wouldn't come." "Did you ?" "How did you know that ?" "I thought you never came to town." "That's because you no longer ask me." "Are you not forbidden to come ?" "Do the doctors not forbid it ?" "Oh, the doctors." "Do you not pay heed to your doctors ?" "Not when they're a bunch of contemptible Victorians." "So... what are you saying ?" "Are you feeling better ?" "Has this vastness made you stronger ?" "I'm saying, Vanessa, that even crazy people like to be asked." "Nessa !" "Nessa !" "Nessa !" "Nessa !" "Hello, changelings." "What have you got ?" "What have you found ?" "We found a bird." "Did you ?" "Yes." "Where did you find that ?" "I think it must have fallen from a tree." "Oh, my goodness." "Just look at him." "We might be able to save him." "Save him ?" "I think you have to be careful, Quentin." "There's a time to die, and it may be the bird's time." "Come on, let's pick some grass to make a grave." " Oh, Julian." " I'm just saying." "Then at least there'll be a bed for him to die on." "Come on, Nessa, let's make a grave." "Nessa, come on !" "Oh..." "Very well, I'm coming." "Wait for me then." "Angelica, will you be all right ?" "Stay with your aunt." "You're going too fast." "Do you think she'd like roses ?" "Is it a she ?" "Yes, the females are larger." "And less colorful." "What happens when we die ?" "What happens ?" "We return to the place that we came from." "I don't remember where I came from." "Nor do I." "She looks very small." "Yes." "Yes, that's one of the things that happens... we look smaller." "But very peaceful." "Oh, is it done ?" "Have we finished ?" "Is the bird funeral complete ?" "Yes." "Very well, then." "Are we to be denied tea altogether for coming so early ?" "No, of course not." "Good." "Come on, Angelica." "Come on, come on, boys." "Let's get some tea." "Nessa, tell him to stop it !" "Now stop it, Julian." "Virginia, we're going in." "Virginia !" "Hey, bug." "I've got this idea." "We're going to make another cake." "We're going to make a better one." "What happened to the first one ?" "And after that..." "I think we should go out." "Yes ?" "Clarissa, it's Louis." "Louis Waters." "Louis ?" "Oh, my God." "You're early." "Do you mind ?" "Is it all right ?" "Oh, why should I mind ?" "I'm delighted !" "Well, now !" "I feel like I'm interrupting." "Oh, why ?" "!" "No." "I know the ceremony isn't until 5:00, but I flew in this morning." "Oh, well, Richard's going to be thrilled." "He'll be thrilled to see you." "You think so ?" "Of course." "What are we doing ?" "We should go in." "Are you all right ?" "Yes." "It's nothing." "It's just the party." "Oh, right." "Oh, wow !" "It's looking beautiful." "Thanks." "Are you still with... ?" "Yes, I am." "Still with her." "Ten years." "It's crazy." "Why is it crazy ?" "No reason." "Would you like something to drink ?" "Some water." "Okay." "Are you still an editor ?" "Oh, sure." "With the same publisher ?" "Mm-hmm." "How's San Francisco ?" "Oh, it's one of those cities people tell you to like." "Richard said he thought you were happy out there." "Oh, great." "So now the illness makes him psychic." "You have to prepare yourself, Louis." "He's very changed." "I read the book." "Oh, God..." "Exactly." "I thought you were meant to do more than just change people's names." "Well..." "Isn't it meant to be fiction ?" "He even had you living on 10th Street." "It isn't me." "Isn't it ?" "You know how Richard is." "It's a fantasy." "A whole chapter on" "Should she buy some nail polish ?" "And then, guess what ?" "After 50 pages, she doesn't." "The whole thing seems to go on for eternity." "Nothing happens." "And then, wham !" "For no reason, she kills herself." "His mother kills herself." "Yeah, sure, his mother, but still for no reason." "Well, I..." "Out of the blue." "I know the book is tough, but I liked it." "I know." "Only one thing upset me." "What's that ?" "What upset you ?" "Well... that there wasn't more about you." "That's kind." "I went back to Wellfleet." "You did ?" "One day." "I didn't tell you ?" "No." "But then, I never see you." "You remember the house." "It's still there." "I think you're courageous." "Courageous ?" "Why ?" "To dare go visit." "What I mean is... to face the fact that we have lost those feelings forever." "Shit !" "Clarissa ?" "Um..." "I don't know what's happening." "I'm sorry." "I seem to be in some strange sort of mood." "I'm sorry." "It's, uh, it's very rude of me." "I seem to be unraveling." "I shouldn't have come." "No, it's not you." "It's not you." "It's more like having a presentiment." "Do you know what I'm saying ?" "Oh, God, it's probably just nerves about the party, you know ?" "Bad hostess !" "Clarissa, what's happened ?" "Jesus !" "What is it ?" "!" "Oh !" "Oh, God !" "Do you want me to go ?" "No, don't go !" "Don't..." "Don't go." "Explain to me why this is happening." "Don't... don't touch me." "Jesus." "It's better if you don't." "It's just too much." "You fly in from San Francisco, and I've been nursing Richard for years." "And all the time, I've held myself together... no problem." "I know." "One morning, in Wellfleet... you were there, we were all there..." "I'd been sleeping with him, and I was out on the back porch." "He came out behind me, and he put his hand on my shoulder." "Good morning, Mrs. Dalloway." "That's..." "That's when..." "From then on, I've..." "been stuck." "Stuck ?" "Yep." "Yeah." "With the name, I mean." "And now you walk in." "To see you walk in..." "because I never see you." "Look at you." "Anyway, it doesn't matter." "It was you he stayed with." "It was you he lived with." "I had one summer." "The day I left him," "I got on a train and made my way across Europe." "I felt free for the first time in years." "So... tell me about San Francisco." "What's to tell ?" "I still teach drama to idiots, mostly." "They can't all be idiots." "No, no." "In fact," "I shouldn't tell you this, but..." "I've fallen in love." "Really ?" "Yes." "With a student." "With a student." "Exactly." "I know." "You think, Am I still up for this ?" "All this intensity, all those arguments, doors being slammed." "Well, you know what it's like." "Are you feeling better ?" "A little." "Thank you." "You think I'm ridiculous ?" "Ridiculous ?" "Fortunate, too." "I'm going to leave you at Mrs. Latch's." "I have to do something." "Mommy, I don't want to go." "You have to." "I'm sorry." "I have something to do before Daddy gets home." "Hello." "Hi, Mrs. Latch." "My boy's not very happy." "Mommy, I don't want to do this." "I have to go, honey." "Your mommy has things she has to do." "Come in, I got cookies." "Okay, baby ?" "You have to be brave now." "Don't worry now." "It's going to be fine." "Well..." "Honey !" "Come on." "Come on, darling." "Mommy !" " Stop it." " No !" "Darling, stop it." "Mommy !" " All right." " Mommy !" "Mommy !" "Mommy !" "Come on." "Mommy !" "Mommy !" "No !" "Breakfast is served between 7:00 and 11:00 in the Regency Room, and room service is available" "24 hours." "Thank you, ma'am." "Is there anything else you need ?" "Yes, um..." "No." "Not to be disturbed." "'Did it matter, then ?" "' She asked herself, walking toward Bon Street." "Did it matter that she must inevitably cease completely ?" "All this must go on without her." "Did she resent it ?" "Or did it not become consoling to believe that death ended absolutely ?" "It is possible to die." "It is possible to die." "There was a lovely coat for Angelica at Harrod's, then nothing for the boys." "It seems so unfair." "Why should Angelica be favored ?" "Virginia ?" "Virginia ?" "Virginia !" "What are you thinking about ?" "Are you still with us ?" "Your aunt's a very lucky woman, Angelica... because she has two lives." "She has the life she's leading, and also the book she's writing." "This makes her very fortunate indeed." "What were you thinking about ?" "I was going to kill my heroine... but I've changed my mind." "I..." "I can't." "I fear I may have to kill someone else instead." "Oh, Quentin !" "We're ready !" "A fascinating visit." "We enjoyed it thoroughly." "Do you have to go already ?" "I do wish you wouldn't go." "Oh, Virginia, the last thing you want is our noisiness." "My hopeless, clumsy boys." "Say good-bye, boys." "Bye !" "You'll return to what ?" "Tonight ?" "Oh, just some..." "insufferable dinner." "Not even you could envy, Virginia." "But I do." "Say something, Nessa." "Didn't you think I seemed better ?" "Yes..." "Yes..." "Virginia, you seemed better." "You think..." "You think I may one day escape ?" "One day." "One..." "Nessa." "Nessa !" "Come on, Nessa." "Come, Angelica, we must go." "Come on !" "Good-bye." "Good-bye, little girl." "Angelica !" "The train !" "We're going to miss the train." "Come on." "Hurry up." "Big step." "Come on, come on, come on !" "I want to go home." "Yeah, all right." "We stayed too long, we've missed the train." "Stay close." "I'm sorry, I know." "I tried to get here earlier." "I tried, okay ?" "Don't start." "I know, it's just incredibly important because it's your party." "Julia, how have you been doing ?" "I'm fine." "Come here." "What have you been doing ?" "Well, studying, Mom." "Um..." "So, what should I do ?" "Chairs ?" "No." "Let's clear off the desk first." "You can take it into the bedroom." "I bumped into Louis Waters." "Oh, you did ?" "Where ?" "In the street." "They're all here, aren't they ?" "All the ghosts." "All of the ghosts are assembling for the party." "He's so weird." "Oh, what ?" "You can't see that ?" "You can't see that Louis Waters is weird ?" "I can see that he's sad." "Well... all your friends are sad." "You've been crying." "What's happening ?" "All it is, I looked around this room, and I thought, I'm giving a party." "All I want to do is give a party." "And ?" "I know why he does it ;" "he does it deliberately." "Oh, is this Richard ?" "Of course." "He did it this morning." "He gives me that look." "What look ?" "To say..." "Your life is... trivial." "You are so trivial." "Just... daily stuff, you know." "Schedules and parties and... details." "That's what he means... by it, that is what he's saying." "Mom, it only matters if you think it's true." "Well ?" "Do you ?" "Tell me." "When I'm with him, I feel..." "Yes, I am living." "And when I'm not with him..." "Yes, everything does seem sort of s silly." "I don't mean with you." "Oh, I..." "God." "Jesus." "Never with you." "It's all the rest of it." "Sally ?" "The rest of it." "False comfort." "Because ?" "If you say to me, When were you happiest ?" "Mom..." "Tell me the moment you were happiest." "I know, I know, it was years ago." "Yeah." "All you're saying is..." "you were once young." "I remember one morning... getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility." "You know ?" "That feeling ?" "Hmm ?" "And I remember thinking to myself," "So, this is the beginning of happiness." "This is where it starts." "And, of course, there will always be more." "It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning." "It was happiness." "It was the moment... right then." "Ah, Nelly, good evening." "I was wondering if you'd seen Mrs. Woolf." "I thought you knew, sir." "Mrs. Woolf has gone out." "Excuse me !" "Excuse me !" "Mr. Woolf, what an unexpected pleasure." "Perhaps you could tell me exactly what you think you're doing ?" "What I was doing ?" "I went to look for you, and you weren't there." "You were working in the garden." "I didn't wish to disturb you." "You disturb me when you disappear." "I didn't disappear." "I went for a walk." "A walk ?" "!" "Is that all ?" "Just a walk ?" "Virginia, we must go home now." "Nelly's cooking dinner." "She's already had a very difficult day." "It's just our obligation to eat Nelly's dinner." "There is no such obligation." "No such obligation exists." "Virginia, you have an obligation to your own sanity." "I have endured this custody !" "I have endured this imprisonment." "Oh, Virginia !" "I am attended by doctors, everywhere." "I am attended by doctors who inform me of my own interests !" "They know your interests." "They do not !" "They do not speak for my interests." "Virginia, I can..." "I can see that it must be hard for a woman of your..." " Of what ?" "Of my what, exactly ?" " Uh, your... your talents to see that she may not be the best judge of her own condition !" "Who, then, is a better judge ?" "You have a history !" "You have a history of confinement." "We brought you to Richmond because you have a history of fits, moods, blackouts, hearing voices." "We brought you here to save you from the irrevocable damage you intended upon yourself." "You've tried to kill yourself twice !" "I live daily with that threat." "I set up the press..." "we set up the printing press not just for itself, not just purely for itself, but so that you might have a ready source of absorption and of remedy." "Like needlework ?" "It was done for you !" "It was done for your betterment !" "It was done out of love !" "If I didn't know you better, I'd call this ingratitude." "I am ungrateful ?" "You call me ungrateful ?" "My life has been stolen from me." "I'm living in a town I have no wish to live in." "I'm living... a life I have no wish to live." "How did this happen ?" "It is time for us to move back to London." "I miss London." "I miss London life." "This is not you speaking, Virginia." "This is an aspect of your illness." " It's not you." " It is me." "It is my voice." "It's not your voice." "It's mine and mine alone." "This is the voice that you hear." "It is not !" "It is mine !" "I'm dying in this town !" "If you were thinking clearly, Virginia, you'd recall it was London that brought you low." "If I were thinking clearly..." "If I were thinking clearly..." "We brought you to Richmond to give you peace." "If I were thinking clearly, Leonard," "I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and that only I can know, only I can understand my own condition." "You live with the threat..." "you tell me... you live with the threat of my extinction." "Leonard, I live with it, too." "This is my right." "It is the right of every human being." "I choose not the suffocating anesthetic of the suburbs, but the violent jolt of the capital." "That is my choice." "The meanest patient, yes, even the very lowest is allowed some say in the matter of her own prescription." "Thereby she defines her humanity." "I wish, for your sake, Leonard," "I could be happy in this quietness." "But if it is a choice between Richmond and death," "I choose death." "Very well, London, then." "We'll go back to London." "You hungry ?" "I'm a little hungry myself." "Come along." "London train on platform one !" "This is the London train terminating at Vauxhall." "You cannot find peace by avoiding life, Leonard." "This is the London train !" "London train on platform one !" "Mommy !" "Mommy !" "Hey." "Hey, there, bug." "Hey, what's wrong ?" "Hi, Mrs. Latch." "Sorry I'm late." "He's fine." "He's been fine." "He's, he's just happy to see you." "Aw, it couldn't have been that bad, could it ?" "Hmm ?" "So, you got it cut, then ?" "Oh, yes, yes." "No problem." "Looks great." "Well, they didn't have to do very much." "Well, we had a fine time together." "Thank you very much." "So, that wasn't too bad, was it ?" "I wasn't gone too long." "No, you weren't long." "That's right." "At one point..." "I don't know." "There was a moment where I thought I might be longer." "But I changed my mind." "What is it, honey ?" "Mommy, I love you." "I love you, too, baby." "What's wrong ?" "What ?" "Don't worry, honey, everything's fine." "We're going to have a wonderful party, and we've made your daddy such a nice cake." "I love you, sweetheart." "You're my guy." "Mommy !" "Mommy !" "Richard, it's me." "I'm early." "What the hell is going on ?" "Richard !" "What are you doing here ?" "You're early !" "Wha-What is going on here ?" "What are you doing ?" "I-I had this wonderful idea." "I needed some light." "I needed to let in some light !" "Richard, what are you doing ?" "I had this fantastic notion." "I took the Xanax and the Ritalin together." "It-it never occurred to me." "Richard..." "Don't come near me !" "It seemed to me I needed to let in some light." "What do you think ?" "I cleared away all the windows." "All right, Richard, do me one simple favor." "Come." "Come sit." "I don't think I can make it to the party, Clarissa." "You don't have to go to the party." "You don't have to go to the ceremony." "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do." "You can do as you like." "But I still have to face the hours, don't I ?" "I mean, the hours after the party, and the hours after that..." "You do have good days still." "You know you do." "Not really." "I mean, it's kind of you to say so, but it's..." "I mean, it's kind of you to say so, but it's... not really true." "Are they here ?" "Who ?" "The voices." "Oh, the voices are always here." "And it's the voices that you're hearing now, isn't it ?" "No, no, no, no." "Mrs. Dalloway, it's you." "I've stayed alive for you, but now you have to let me go." "Richard, I..." "No, wait, wait, wait, wait." "Wait." "Tell me a story." "What about ?" "Tell me a story from your day." "I, um..." "I-I got up..." "Yes ?" "...and I went out, and, uh, I went to buy flowers," "Like Mrs. Dalloway, in the book, you know ?" "Yes." "And it was a beautiful morning." "Was it ?" "Yes, it was so beautiful." "It was so fresh." "Oh, fresh, was it ?" "Yes." "Like a... like a morning on the beach ?" "Yes." "Like that ?" "Yes." "Like that morning when you walked out of that old house, and you were, you were 18, and maybe I was 19." "Yes." "I was 19 years old, and I'd never seen anything so beautiful." "You... coming out of a glass door in the early morning, still sleepy." "Isn't it strange ?" "Most ordinary morning in anybody's life." "I'm afraid I can't make it to the party, Clarissa." "The party... doesn't matter." "You've been so good to me, Mrs. Dalloway." "I love you." "I don't think two people could've been happier than we've been." "Oh, God, no !" "Happy birthday." "Happy birthday, Dan." "This is perfect." "This is just perfect." "Oh, do you think so ?" "Do you really think so ?" "Why, sure." "You must've been working all day." "Well, that's what we were doing." "Weren't we, bug ?" "Been working all day." "This is just fantastic." "It's what I've always wanted." "Oh, Dan." "One day, Richie, I'll tell you." "I'll tell you how it all happened." "Don't." "I want to." "I want to tell him the story." "What happened... when I was in the war." "At war, I found myself thinking about this girl that I had seen..." "I had never met her... at high school, this... strange, fragile-looking girl named Laura McGrath." "Yeah." "And she was shy... and she was interesting." "And... well, your mother won't mind if" "I tell you this, Richie." "She was the sort of girl that you see sitting mostly on her own." "And I'll tell you... sometimes, when I was in the South Pacific, the fact is that I used to think about this girl." "Dan." "I used to think about bringing her to a house, to a life." "Pretty much like this." "And it was the thought of the happiness... the thought of this woman, the thought of this life... that's what kept me going." "I had an idea of our happiness." "Why does someone have to die ?" "Leonard..." "In your book, you said someone had to die." "Hmm." "Why ?" "Is that a stupid question ?" "No." "I imagine my question is stupid." "Not at all." "Well ?" "Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more." "It's contrast." "And who will die ?" "Tell me." "The poet will die." "The visionary." "What are you doing ?" "I'm brushing my teeth." "Are you coming to bed ?" "Yeah, in a minute." "Come to bed, Laura Brown." "I ran into Ray." "He said Kitty had to go to the hospital." "I know." "Nothing serious." "He said just a checkup." "I'm terrified." "Why ?" "Only I knew that she could disappear." "Maybe you could go see her in the morning, honey." "I was going to." "I was going to stop by." "I've had a wonderful day, and I have you to thank." "Come to bed, honey." "I'm coming." "Are you coming ?" "Yes." "What ?" "I was hoping you were going to bed." "I am." "I am going to bed." "What, then ?" "All else is clear." "The outline of the story is planned, now one thing only." "Mrs. Dalloway's destiny must be resolved." "You're Laura Brown." "Yes, I'm Richard's mother." "Of course." "I'm Clarissa Vaughan." "Please come in." "My friend Sally is in the kitchen, and my daughter." "I'll take this." "We were having a party." "We were going to have a party." "I was lucky." "I got the last plane from Toronto." "So, that's the monster." "Hope I did the right thing." "I found your number in his phone book." "Yes, he had it." "We didn't speak often." "It's a terrible thing, Miss Vaughan... to outlive your whole family." "Richard's father died." "Yes, he-he died of cancer quite young." "And Richard's sister is dead." "Obviously, you..." "feel unworthy." "Gives you feelings of unworthiness." "You survive and they don't." "Have you read the poems ?" "Oh, yes." "Oh..." "I also read the novel." "You see, uh, people say the novel is difficult." "Uh..." "I know." "They say that." "I know." "He had me die in the novel." "I-I-I know why he did that." "It hurt, of course." "I can't pretend it didn't hurt, but I..." "I know why he did it." "You left Richard when he was a child." "I left both my children." "I abandoned them." "They say it's the worst thing a mother can do." "You have a daughter." "Yes..." "But I never met Julia's father." "You so wanted a child." "That's right." "You're a lucky woman." "There are times when you don't belong, and you think you're going to kill yourself." "Once, I went to a hotel." "Later that night, I made a plan." "The plan was I would leave my family when my second child was born... and that's what I did." "I got up one morning, made breakfast, went to the bus stop, got on a bus." "I'd left a note." "I got a job in a library in Canada." "It would... be wonderful to say you regretted it." "It would be easy." "But what does it mean ?" "What does it mean to regret... when you have no choice ?" "It's what you can bear." "There it is." "No one's going to forgive me." "It was death." "I chose life." "Time to take your coat off." "I thought you might like a cup of tea." "Oh my goodness." "Thank you, dear." "I feel like I'm stealing your room." "Um, we put the food away, so, if you're at all hungry in the night, just help yourself." "Oh, I will." "Where will you sleep ?" "Oh, the sofa." "Oh, oh, I'm sorry." "Good night, sweetheart." "Good night." "Dear Leonard, to look life in the face... always to look life in the face, and to know it for what it is." "At last, to know it, to love it for what it is, and then... to put it away." "Leonard... always the years between us, always the years... always... the love... always... the hours."