"[Indistinct shouting, camera" "[Shutters clicking]" "Turn around." "Look over your shoulder." "That's a good girl." "Turn around and look over" "Your shoulder." "[Indistinct shouting" "[Continues]" "This is fun." "Do you think this is fun?" "No." "No... this is literally" "My worst nightmare." "I mean, I hate having my photo" "Taken." "Yeah, me too, actually." "[Chuckles]" "My grandma bought me this dress," "And I thought I really liked it," "And now I feel so" "Self-conscious." "No, you look beautiful." "Really?" "Yeah." "Oh, that's so sweet." "[Indistinct shouting]" "These people are making me so" "Uncomfortable." "I feel like I'm gonna be" "Attacked by them." "I know." "I know." "It makes me not actually want to" "Be an actress if this is what it" "Is." "Really?" "I have the same feeling." "I'm actually thinking of" "Becoming a history teacher." "Just Jesse..." "Jesse alone," "Please." "Oh, yeah." "All right, cool." "See you around." "Okay, yeah." "Seriously, you look great." "Oh, thank you." "Hey." "Michael ausiello from" "Congratulations on the movie." "How are you holding up?" "Uh, my palms are really" "Sweaty, and I think I forgot to" "Put deodorant on, so..." "Anyway." "[Laughs]" "It gets easier." "Champagne?" "Oh, I'm not really much of a" "Drinker." "I'm sorry." "Halley, you're needed over here." "Oh, just one second." "You go." "You're famous now." "Oh. [Chuckles]" "Actually, you know what?" "Can you give me just one second?" "I'm sorry. [Chuckles]" "[Slurps]" "Hey, Michael?" "You want to try it in my butt" "Again?" "[Sighs]" "Halley..." "No." "I don't." "[Hums]" "We only have a couple weeks" "Left to get this draft done if" "We want to submit it to the" "Sanddunes screenwriters lab." "Yep." "Good point." "Good point." "[Laughs]" "Yep, that's fun." "You want to drunk-dial Ryan?" "Halley, we're not calling" "Your brother." "Stop watching" ""Dancing with the stars" and" "Help me write our screenplay." "And put that camera away." "[Scoffs] But..." "[Sighs] Baby, I won't remember" "This conversation tomorrow" "Unless I videotape it." "Maybe you shouldn't drink so" "Much." "[Snorts] Good one." "[Cork pops]" "Did you just open that" "One-handed?" "I'm that talented." "[Up-tempo music plays]" "Ah!" "Aww!" "Whoo!" "Okay." "Yes!" "Did you see that foxtrot?" "Yep." "Ooh!" "Ralph macchio is très foxy!" "I've loved him ever since he" "Played the sexually confused" "Best friend of Eric stoltz in" ""Naked in New York."" "Really?" "I've only seen him in" ""The karate kid."" "[Scoffs] You're so plebian." "Hey!" "Macchio should be in my movie." "What... you mean our movie?" "Yeah, right, right, right," "Right, right, right, right." "What part would he play?" "Your part?" "Halley!" "Just kidding!" "That's it." "Mm-hmm." "Um..." "Are you fully erect?" "Yeah." "Um..." "Your penis feels really small." "Halley!" "Okay." "Never mind." "Whatever you say." "[Sighs]" "[Clears throat]" "Are you... are you not" "Attracted to me anymore?" "Halley." "Yeah, see, no, your penis is" "Getting smaller by the second." "I bet Ralph macchio wouldn't" "Have any trouble getting it up" "With me." "Oh, my God." "Okay, that's it." "What do you mean "that's it"?" "What are you doing?" "What?" "!" "What?" "!" "What are you doing?" "Michael." "What?" "Michael, what are you doing?" "Aah!" "I'm leaving." "I'm confused." "What does that mean?" "Okay, you know what?" "Okay, yeah, I know that you're" "In the new "men in black" movie," "But I think someone in this room" "Is being a little overly" "Dramatic." "You've been treating me like" "Shit for a really long time," "Halley." "I love you, but I can't let" "Myself be treated like that." "I'm sorry." "You're just not the person I" "Fell in love with on the set of" ""The messenger."" "What?" "Ugh." "[Cries]" "What are you doing?" "[Voice breaking] I look" "Really beautiful when I cry." "Are you gonna put some" "Clothes on at least?" "[Normal voice] It's just a" "Medium shot." "You can't see my cooter." "Jesus." "Halley, you're so self-involved." "All you do is... is videotape" "Yourself, think about yourself," "Talk about yourself, write about" "Yourself." "Google myself." "Google yourself, drink" "Alcohol by yourself." "But it's delicious!" "You have a drinking problem," "And you have a thinking problem." "You have a rhyming problem." "You're not funny." "You just don't think I'm" "Funny because you don't have a" "Very good sense of humor." "That's why "the messenger"" "Wasn't funny at all." "Okay, yeah." "Well, you think that I don't" "Have a sense of humor because I" "Didn't find this card funny." "How is that funny?" "A picture of you in bed with" "Some other guy?" "I don't even know who that is." "And you photoshopped my" "Brother's head onto his body." "It looks like he's entering you," "Halley." "Michael, did you even take" "The time to read what I wrote" "Inside?" "Look." ""I love you so much I would" "Never sleep with your brother."" "So there you go." "That's beautiful." "You should write greeting cards" "For a living." "Oh, Michael!" "You know what?" "It's funny!" "No, it's not." "Yes, it is!" "Is this just because of what I" "Said about Ralph macchio?" "He's like number 23 on the" "Ifdbpro star tracker." "Halley, you know I don't care" "About that stuff." "Yeah, that's why you're" "Number 20,526." "Really?" "Yeah." "You want to play that game?" "Sure." "Let's play that game." "Great." "Um, let's see here." "Halley feiffer... oh, look." "You're number 10,101." "Exactly!" "That's why we need the karate" "Kid to bring up the curve!" "[Scoffs] What?" "Where?" "You think you're so great?" "Why don't you do something about" "Your own career?" "Oh." "Yeah..." "He's way more famous than you!" "That's not my fault!" "[Nancy Sinatra's" "["all by myself" plays]" "* all by myself * * in the morning *" "[Cries] * and I'm all by myself * * in the night *" "* I sit alone with a table" "And a little chair *" "[Crying continues] * so unhappy there * * losing at solitaire * * all by myself," "I get lonely * * watching the clock" "On the shelf *" "Ugh!" "12,957?" "It dropped that fast?" "It's okay." "Who's counting?" "[Chuckles]" "I am." "* oh, I hate growing' older * * all by myself *" "[Ringing]" "Hi." "You've reached Ryan feiffer." "Leave a message." "[Beep]" "Hey, Ryan, it's me." "My star tracker dropped again." "Yours is still in the six" "Digits." "Call me back." "Bye." "Ugh!" "2,590?" "Fuck you, gummer!" "Gina hershey's office." "Wmf." "[Beep]" "Gina, hi." "It's halley, your favorite" "Client." "Listen, um, I need to have a" "Meeting with you tomorrow A.M." "Asap... andiamo, pronto, right" "Away." "We need to talk about my shitty" "Career and how it's all your" "Fault." "Okay, love you." "Bye." "[Cellphone beeps]" "Two?" "Good for you, Jesse." "Hey, this is Jesse." "Uh, leave a message." "I'll get back to you as soon as" "Possible." "Thanks." "Hey, Jesse, it's halley." "Um, I bet you're supercrazy now" "Post- "social network."" "Um, I am coming out of a very" "Dark time... peppered with" "Suicidal fantasies... but, um," "I'm about to make some really" "Important and constructive" "Changes that, um..." "I would love" "To just bulletpoint with you" "Whenever you get a sec." "All right, ttyl, boy." "[Cellphone beeps]" "[Beep]" "Hey, Michael." "You want to try it in my butt" "Again?" "Halley..." "No." "I don't." "[Beep]" "[Beep]" "Hey, Michael." "You want to try it in my butt" "Again?" "Halley..." "No." "I don't." "[Storm large's" "["eight Miles wide" plays]" "[Slurping]" "[Beep]" "We only have a couple weeks" "Left to get this draft done if" "We want to submit it to the" "Sanddunes screenwriters lab." "Yep, yep." "Good point." "Good point." "* all my life" "I've never fit * * but I won't complain" "And I won't quit *" "You want to drunk-dial Ryan?" "Halley, we're not calling" "Your brother right now." "* everyone tells me" "I'm too much * * maybe it's just you're not" "Enough for me * * can't you see?" "*" "* I'm the kind of woman I'm" "Supposed to be * * hey, my vagina is eight Miles" "Wide * * absolutely everyone can come" "Inside * * if you're ever frightened" "Just run and hide * * my vagina is eight Miles" "Wide * * tell me what is womanly" "To you * * strong but not too much of" "A brute * * it's cool if she's powerful * * but way better if she's cute * * well, for all of us girls who" "Don't fit in *" "* I say go amazonian * * you can be a kick-ass bruiser" "And be femini-i-i-i-i-ne * * hey * * my vagina is eight Miles" "Wide * * absolutely everyone can come" "Inside * * if you're ever frightened" "Just run and hide * * my vagina-a-a * * my vagina is eight Miles" "Wide * * absolutely everyone can come" "Inside * * if you're ever frightened" "Just run and hide * * my vagina is eight Miles," "Eight Miles" "Wi-i-i-i-de *" "We're just so excited that" "You decided to sign with us," "Miss mamie." "Aww!" "I know we are going to do" "Some amazing things together." "I feel so blessed." "[Laughs]" "Really, I do." "Girl, we are the blessed" "Ones." "You could've signed with anyone," "You fresh-faced little munchkin" "You!" "Ooh!" "[Both laugh]" "Oh, my God!" "Gina!" "Hey!" "Did you get my message?" "Hi, halley." "Uh, yes, if you can just give me" "A minute." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, hey, mamie!" "Hey." "[Laughs]" "Thank you." "So, I hug." "We hug." "Gina." "Okay." "[Both laugh]" "Now, do you need any help" "Getting to all your meetings" "This week?" "Jessica can book you a car" "Service." "Oh, no, no, no." "That's fine." "Thank you." "Thanks." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, yeah." "Okay, well, if you need" "Anything, you let me know." "[Chuckling] Okay." "I'm always here." "I have no social life." "Phbt!" "[Laughter]" "Okay." "Thank you." "Bye, Jessica." "Bye, Gina." "Oh, wait!" "I hug, we hug." "We're hugging?" "Okay." "I dropped my..." "Oh, I got it!" "I got it!" "Oh, my God!" "My brother dates him." "The gay guy from "ugly Betty."" "Really?" "Michael's a client." "Oh, he's so sweet." "Ah, yeah, I know." "He's gonna be the man of honor" "At my wedding." "Not your brother?" "Do you want to keep it?" "What?" "Oh, no, no, no." "No, keep it." "Really?" "Totally." "Oh." "Thank you." "Okay." "Bye." "Bye!" "Oh!" "She's so sweet." "You look beautiful!" "Love you, gummer." "Okay, let's do this." "Trifles, really." "Um, okay." "So, you just signed" "Mamie gummer?" "She's meryl streep's daughter." "People say I'm the poor man's" "Her." "[Chuckles]" "Um, can you give me her e-mail?" "Halley, nothing I said on the" "Phone has changed." ""A," can I have a piece of" "Your baguette?" "Mmm." ""B," I have a really exciting" "Movie idea that I need your help" "With." "And "c," spring-clean your" "Canvas." "I have eaten hundreds of dried" "Fruits." "I'm sitting on the toilet with" "Diarrhea oozing out of me" "Slowly, like a mister softee." "The diarrhea..." "Symbolic of my career." "The dried fruits?" "You guessed it." "That's you." "I was in the biggest indie of" "The last century..." "Noah baumbach's" ""The squid and the whale."" "I mean, ring-a-ding-ding-dong." "I know you love ding dongs." "Listen to me." "Can you listen?" "I took a six-week course on" "Listening with Austin Pendleton." ""The squid and the whale" had" "A limited release six... or" "Seven years ago... and you" "Played a supporting role." "Um, aloha?" "I was the only" "Sympathy-garnering character in" "A movie populated exclusively by" "Narcissistic literati, little" "Miss "I'm smarter than my"" "Client."" "I'm sorry." "I don't need to make fun of the" "Way you think and speak to when" "It's already obvious enough that" "You can barely fit into that" "Chair." "Aah!" "Sorry!" "I haven't had a drink yet this" "Morning." "No one will hire you because" "You drink too much." "You're starting to get a" "Reputation." "I am so sorry." "Have you forgotten who my father" "Is?" "World-famous" "Pulitzer prize-winning satirist" "Jules feiffer." "Most people don't even know" "He's still alive!" "I can get you in touch with" "People in our h.R., and they can" "Help you find a rehab that takes" "Your insurance." "Re-hab?" "[Gasps] Oh!" "You mean like a publicity stunt." "I like it." "I like it." "Halley, no." "Not a publicity stunt." "You are a great actress, and I" "Have much faith in your talent." "But you have become rude and" "Unruly and impossible to work" "With." "You need to make a significant" "Change in your life, and if you" "Don't, I can no longer work with" "You." "Shh!" "Shh, shh, shh!" "Are you done?" "Okay, great." "I'm gonna come in next week, and" "We can finish this little" ""Intervention" once I have a" "Tasty drink under my belt." "I'm letting you go." "Fine. [Sniffles]" "Fine." "You want to know why that's" "Fine?" "I'm gonna take this piss-poor" "Attitude of yours and spin a web" "Of gold with it!" "I'm writing my own movie." "In fact, it's basically already" "Written!" "That's right!" "I'm starring in it, and it's" "Gonna get into the sanddunes" "Screenwriters lab." "Oscar gold, here comes mama!" "And guess who's not getting 10%?" "Fatty McGee!" "And that's you!" "[Door opens]" "* see, oh, you pretty thing * * you demon, psycho, bat shit * * whack job, insane * * c-r-azy * * c-r-azy * * they'll throw you away" "If you go all the way *" "I should have never let you" "Into my life in the first place." "You don't understand how" "Talented I am." "I'm gonna be the biggest movie" "Star you ever heard of!" "* throw away the key *" "Ryan, Ryan, hey, Ryan?" "I have to talk to you, like," "Right now, Ryan." "Oh, my God, Ryan." "Are you there, ry..." "Geez, halley, what?" "Oh, my God, I have something" "Really important to tell you." "What?" "What?" "What's the matter?" "Oh, my God." "Ooh." "Whoa." "God." "If you didn't like sticking your" "Penis in other boys' mouths, I" "Would totally smunk your donk." "That's disturbing." "Why?" "Because you're my sister." "Okay, I have something" "Vitally crucial to tell you, but" "Before I do, do you have any" "Alcohol?" "Sure, I think we have" "Something, but geez, halley," "It's like not even noon." "So, what is it?" "What's going on?" "Oh, my gosh." "Hmm?" "It's not dad, is it?" "No, no, no." "I know he's like 100, but it's" "Not him." "All right, then what is it?" "I feel, like, nervous." "I kind of feel, like, sad all of" "A sudden." "I know." "Me too." "Me too." "Okay." "Are you ready?" "Yeah." "Oh, don't make that face." "All right." "Throwing caution to the wind..." "Okay." "You're so pretty." "[Laughs]" "Okay." "This is hard." "Okay, what is it?" "All right, I'm just gonna go" "For it." "Do it." "Will your boyfriend..." "Three-time teen choice award" "Nominee Michael urie, the gay" "Guy from "ugly Betty"... play my" "Boyfriend in my movie?" "Look. [Laughs]" "Aah!" "Open it." "Open it." "It's my screenplay!" "Aah!" "Can you believe it?" "Open it again." "It's my screenplay!" "What?" "Isn't that awesome?" "Where are you going?" "Ryan, what are you..." "Did you see..." "Ryan, did you" "See... ry... i just went through" "My flipcam and transcribed" "Everything that happened between" "Me and Michael chernus." "It's gonna be next year's" ""Blue Valentine."" "[Sarcastically] Yay!" "What are you..." "Ryan!" "It took me all night and two" "Pitchers of sangria to assemble" "That genius packaging." "Oh, that is what you wanted" "To talk to me about?" "Yeah." "You made this sound so" "Urgent!" "I thought somebody had died." "Somebody did... my career!" "Uh-huh." "Ryan, why are you" "Minimalizing this?" "I am the most pathetic" "Out-of-work actor on the streets" "Of New York or maybe even the" "Planet." "That whore bag mamie gummer" "Pretends that I'm a stranger" "Even though I pole-danced for" "Matthew broderick at her" "Birthday party." "That was Haley Joel osment!" "Aah!" "Stop correcting me," "Ryan!" "You didn't even go to college!" "I have been at Juilliard for" "The past seven years." "Oh, so you're getting your" "Master's in air?" "That is not nice." "You know what?" "Ryan, why are you doing this?" "You always make everything about" "You, Ryan." "Halley, look." "What?" "!" "You have worked with the most" "Incredible people, and you've" "Never even had formal training." "I mean, I've never even had an" "Agent." "Well, neither do I, anymore," "And I always liked that your" "Career was worse than mine, and" "Now I think we're on the same" "Level, and that makes me want to" "Fucking kill myself!" "[Groans]" "No, Ryan... this is rude!" "I'm not drunk enough yet." "Look, halley, why do you want" "Michael?" "Why can't you just put me in" "Your movie?" "[Snickers]" "How is that funny?" "Ryan, you can't play my" "Boyfriend." "You're my brother." "Halley." "What?" "It is 2011." "Nobody cares if ice skaters are" "Siblings." "[Sighs]" "We'll just get, like, a body" "Double for the sex scenes, and" "If we need to kiss, we'll cut" "Away or something." "Okay, do you really need me" "To spell it out for you?" "I guess I do." "This is very, very sad." "[Sighs]" "That was my blanket." "Can you read?" "Yep." "I can read." "Great." "Great." "I need somebody famous!" "Okay." "The script is, honestly, more" "About Vanessa Williams than" "Anything else." "Vanessa Williams?" "You never once mentioned she's" "In the script." "Well, she is now." "Hey, what is America ferrera" "Doing post- "Betty"?" "Maybe she could direct it?" "There is no way America is" "Available." "She's way too famous." "But actually..." "Michael is looking to branch out" "Into directing." "What?" "The gay guy from "ugly Betty"" "Directs?" "Then I could be in it." "Oh, my God!" "The gay guy from "ugly Betty" is" "Gonna direct my movie?" "I'm gonna be the best" "Michael chernus ever." "Ohh!" "[Crash, bell rings]" "Halley?" "I'm still biking." "All right, just put this on" "Here." "Just hold that there for a" "Minute, okay?" "Okay." "[Laughs]" "Okay." "Yeah, just..." "Oh, I like that." "Harder." "Mmm, smooth that." "Oh, yeah, it feels good." "Oh, yeah." "Harder." "Harder." "Mmm." "Okay, miss feiffer..." "Oh, you know my work?" "No, you ask me that every" "Time..." "I've not seen your" ""Whale" movie." "Fine, fine, fine." "What?" "It's just a minor cut this" "Time, but you should really" "Think about cutting back on your" "Drinking." "I wasn't drinking." "You've called 91116 times" "With alcohol-related injuries." "There, now I can see your" "Beautiful brown eyes." "Please don't touch me." "This isn't a joke." "You could really hurt yourself." "[Smacking lips]" "Could you get out of my" "Ambulance now?" "Will you lift me out and" "Gingerly place me on my bike?" "No." "Okay." "Mnh-mnh." "Help!" "Oh!" "I think I have vertigo." "I'm falling." "My bones are melting because of" "Radiation." "I was in chernobyl." "I'm an orphan." "Bye!" "[Siren walls]" "We need to talk to the gay" "Guy from "ugly Betty" right away" "Before I get another concussion." "Well, I think I agree with" "Him." "You should probably cut back on" "Your drinking." "Ryan!" "[Sighs]" "Some of the greatest artists of" "All eternity had alcohol and" "Drug problems... river Phoenix," "Janis joplin, Marilyn Monroe." "Maybe you should try drinking" "More." "You might become a better actor." "But they all died." "[Scoffs] That's how you get" "To be number one on the star" "Tracker." "Really?" "No." "[Chuckling] No." "[Indistinct shouting]" "I have to cheat." "I'm losing." "I don't care if you're" "Losing." "[Door closes]" "Shh, shh, shh." "Hey, babe." "Hey, baby." "Hey, babe!" "[Sighs]" "Hey, halley." "How'd it go?" "Oh, you know." "Pretty good." "Oh!" "Halley, you look so cute." "Thank you." "I got my head bandaged." "Oh, yeah." "What happened?" "Oh, um, just an amazing" "Meeting with Darren aronofsky" "For "black swan 2"... so many" "Fouttés." "But anyway, Ryan has been" "Chomping at the bit to ask you a" "Dire straits question, right," "Uh-huh." "So, um, halley and I have been" "Working on a screenplay idea." "[Laughs]" "It's more like a comment on real" "Life." "Mm-hmm." "Mm." "Cool." "What's it about?" "Uh, what's with the camera?" "Oh, um, you know what?" "Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh." "It is part of the process." "'Kay." "Um, it's basically a simple" "Love story, centering around" "Halley and me as her" "Ex-boyfriend, Michael chernus." "We're the leads." "[Both laugh]" "And, um..." "Vanessa Williams." "Uh-huh." "So, uh, you guys play boyfriend" "And girlfriend in this, uh," "Movie?" "It's okay." "He's gay." "No one will care." "[Grunts]" "Okay, actually, halley, could" "You not film me right now?" "I don't really feel comfortable" "With that." "Did you see" ""Capturing the friedmans"?" "Yeah." "This is like that." "Okay, whatever." "So, what halley and I were" "Just pondering today over" "Cycling, boxed wine, and" "Ambulance visits..." "Would you be in to directing it?" "[Laughs] No." "What?" "Direct what?" "What is there to direct?" "[Sighs]" "Babe, can I talk to you in" "Private for a second?" "Um, okay." "I really don't understand" "What it is you're asking me to" "Do here." "Well, first off, I would just" "Like you to support me." "I do support you." "Oh, okay, great." "Thanks." "Thank you." "And secondly, I need you, more" "Than anything, to help us with" "This because I have had a lot of" "Rejection, and I just need to do" "Something important." "And if we don't do this as a" "Team, it'll never happen, and I" "Will never amount to anything" "More than Jules feiffer's son" "Who went to Juilliard for a" "Decade and dated that... that" "Gay guy from "ugly Betty"!" "Okay, okay, okay." "Shh." "Let's just say that I will help" "You guys brainstorm this movie," "Okay?" "And we can take it one step at a" "Time." "Okay, great." "Thanks." "Thank you." "But the sanddunes screenwriters" "Lab deadline is in two weeks," "And we have to make that" "Deadline." "What... [Sighs]" "Well, what do you have to do for" "The deadline?" "Um, the first 10 pages of" "Your script, a letter of intent," "And, to set ours apart, we want" "To film a five-minute teaser" "Trailer." "Teaser trailer?" "Support me!" "Okay." "Okay." "God, does halley have to play" "Herself?" "Couldn't we get, like," "Mamie gummer?" "Michael!" "Okay, okay, okay." "I will help you guys with your" "Teaser trailer." "We'll see how that goes, and" "Then we'll move from there," "Okay?" ""Dealsies."" "[Cackles]" "[Crash]" "Halley." "Oh, no!" "Oh, my God!" "Halley!" "Oh, halley!" "[Siren walls]" "Bye!" "Thank you for my bandages." "See you soon." "Text me if you're lonely." "What are you doing for" "Thanksgiving?" "Why did he say that was your" "Last 911 visit?" "I think he has a drinking" "Problem." "It's really sad, actually." "[Gasps] Tracee?" "Tracee!" "Oh, my God!" "Tracee!" "Aaaah!" "[Laughs]" "Oh, my God, I haven't seen" "You since the show ended." "[Gasps] Are you out running" "Errands for Ben stiller?" "Yeah, he has me running all" "Around town, buying specially" "Engraved iPods for his" "Housekeepers." "Oh, you are so lucky you get" "To assist such a dreamboat of a" "Movie star." "Does he ever..." "Ask about me?" "No, halley." "His experience on Broadway with" "You was not very positive." "Okay." "Well, if he does ever change his" "Mind about my hj offer, I will" "Totes check my avail." "What's up with your face?" "Um, it's for a part." "Are you gonna meet Ben stiller" "Right now, by any chance?" "Yes, he's rented an holistic" "Colonics studio for his whole" "Family and staff for labor day," "So we're gonna go have dinner" "And then go over there... why?" "[Gasps] Oh, please, please," "Please, can I come?" "Please, please, please, please?" "No, halley." "Please, please, please." "No." "Please, please!" "No!" "Hey, halley, we're gonna go" "Back upstairs!" "Okay!" "Bye, master urie!" "So good seeing you." "Thank you so much for directing" "My movie!" "Bye, tracee!" "Bye, urie!" "What movie?" "I'll tell you all about it on" "Our way to meet master stiller." "Can you see my tits in this" "Thing?" "Yeah, your nipples look" "Really good and hard, like" "Little baby fingertips." "Really?" "Mm-hmm." "[Cellphone beeps]" "Thank you!" "Who are you texting?" "Okay, so, I'm texting with" "Stiller." "[Gasps]" "I know... but he says he's" "Not coming to dinner now that" "You've crashed." "What?" "Well, halley, the last time" "You saw him, you asked him if" "You could make a semen milkshake" "With his seed." "I make a really good shake." "But regardless, did you ask him" "If he wants a life-changing role" "In my movie?" "[Cellphone beeps]" "Yeah, he said his eardrums" "Were clicking last night, so he" "Didn't get much sleep, so he" "Can't do the movie." "Lame." "Thanks." "Oh!" "No!" "No, no honey, no sugar, no" "Fructose." "I have an eating disorder." "[Sighs]" "Way to set a boundary," "Girlfriend." "I'm so proud of you." "I think it's so progressive how" "Open you are about your" "Anorexia-bulimia." "Thank you!" "You know, they do say that the" "First step to recovery is" "Actually admitting that you have" "A problem." "Yeah." "Well, maybe we can be roommates" "In rehab." "[Both laugh]" "'Kay, I'm gonna go to the" "Bathroom, change my tampon, and" "Maybe wash my hands... brb." "[Ringing]" "Hey, this is Jesse." "Uh, leave a message." "I'll get back to you as soon as" "Possible." "Thanks." "[Beep]" "Hey, Jesse, it's halley" "Again." "Um, I have some very exciting" "News to tell you." "Um, there's some superamazing" "Stuff going on in my life right" "Now." "I could really use a friend to" "Share all this bounty with." "[Chuckles]" "Anywho... [Laughs]" "I was just having a drink and" "Thinking of you." "[Giggles]" "I remember how much fun we had" "In between setups on" ""The squid and the whale."" "That must seem like a million" "Years ago for you... you've done" "So many movies since then." "But, um..." "Sometimes when things are really" "Good, you can feel really" "Lonely." "I wonder if that's how you felt" "On Oscar night." "I hope it isn't, but, um..." "If it is, I just want you to" "Know..." "You're not alone. [Laughs]" "Anyway. [Laughs]" "That's all." "I love you." "Hope you're doing good, peanut." "[Indistinct conversations]" "Are you okay?" "Oh, yeah, totally." "Um, so, now that the" "Stillmeister is out, who's gonna" "Play Ryan's part in my movie?" "Tracee, we have to get someone" "More famous than Ryan." "I mean, can you imagine walking" "Down the street and passing a" "Movie poster with Ryan's face on" "It?" "Ew!" "No one would go see that" "Movie." "Let me lob this idea to you" "And see what you buy." "In exchange for an executive" "Producer credit, how would it" "Tickle you if I were to contact" "My dear friend and genius" "Ralph macchio?" "[Hyperventilates]" "[Thud]" "Stay golden, pony boy." "Stay golden." "[Coughs]" "Don't die on me, Johnny." "Don't die." "Come on, Johnny, don't die." "Don't die on me, Johnny!" "Don't die!" "Johnny, come on!" "So, this is what you get, huh?" "This is what you get for helping" "People?" "Oh, bastard!" "No!" "[Crying]" "That was a dramatization of my" "Favorite scene from" ""The outsiders" starring" "Ralph macchio as a gentle beast." "Wow." "Hand me the karate kid on a" "Silver platter wearing only a" "Doily, and you've got yourself" "An e.P. Credit." "We are gonna win oscars." "Cheers." "[Applause] * there's no business" "Like show business * * like no business I know * * nowhere could you get that" "Happy feeling *" "[Feedback] * when you are feeling that" "Extra bow * * there's no people" "Like show people * * they smile when they are low *" "Mr. feiffer, so good to see" "You." "Thank you for letting us shoot" "At your house." "* that night you open * * and there you are * * next day on your dressing" "Room, they've hung a star *" "Mm!" "Is this my prop beer?" "Yes, ma'am." "Oh, awesome." "Can we swap it out for a real" "Beer?" "[Both laugh]" "N-no." "Okay, what about a light" "Beer?" "No... okay..." "Listen, my friend worked on" ""Harry and the Hendersons," and" "She said that John lithgow does" "Coke on all his sets." "[Laughs] Right, but..." "She said that John lithgow" "Does coke in the middle of" "Scenes while they're filming," "And you cannot even tell." "Okay." "Okay, it's my dad's country" "Estate, and I can do whatever I" "Want, so..." "[Can opens]" "Hey, halley." "How's it going?" "Tracee, how do you think it's" "Going?" "There's no rosé, there's no" "Birthday cake." "I know I specifically asked for" "A claw-footed bathtub, complete" "With resplendent bubbles." "And, ugh, low-fat muffins?" "Serves me right to ask the" "Anorexic-bulimic girl to stock" "The craft services table." "Okay, look, um, we still" "Haven't heard from macchio." "No." "No." "No." "No!" "I can't shoot any scenes with my" "Brother." "He's terrible." "It would be like doing theater" "In Los Angeles." "Okay, just start shooting" "With that." "And you know, okay, once we get" "Ralph... and we will get" "Ralph... we'll just impose him" "In with reshoots or green" "Screens or mirrors or cgi or" "Something." "Okay, I'm trusting you with" "My life, tracee." "The sanddunes screenwriters lab" "Deadline is in 10 days." "My word is my oyster." "Hey, halley." "Oh, hey." "Hey." "Um, can i... can I talk to you" "For a second?" "Yeah." "Totally." "Can I get a p.A. To make you" "Some coffee or something?" "We have a gevalia maker." "Whoa!" "A gevalia maker?" "Yeah, stiller's idea." "Wait." "What?" "Yeah, he wanted it, according" "To tracee." "[Laughs] Wait." "Ben stiller?" "Yeah." "Cut us a check." "Isn't that rad?" "No." "Shut the front door." "Wait." "Tracee didn't tell you" "That Ben stiller is subsidizing" "The film?" "[Ding!" "]" "[Scoffs]" "Um, anyway, what I wanted to" "Talk to you about was I would" "Just love it if, you know, for" "The rest of today, you could..." "You could really try to stay" "Focused because, you know, this" "Really means a lot to me." "Aww, that's so sweet." "Thanks." "You know, it's like my one" "Chance." "So exciting." "It is." "It's very exciting." "And I think that you and I" "Should, um, you know, be able to" "Trust each other." "I took a weekend-long" "Workshop on trust at an ashram" "Upstate." "And action!" "We're not even on set." "I'm walking, walking to set," "Walking on to a hot set." "What?" "What's a hot set?" ""The untitled green-lit"" "Halley feiffer vehicle promo" ""Trailer project."" "Head of roll." "Scene one." "Apple." "Take one." "Marker." "[Sighs]" "Everybody settle." "Here we go, and action!" "Hey, Michael, you want..." "[Beep]" "[Breathing machine hisses]" "All right." "Yeah, going again... sorry." "Yeah, we're going again." "Hey, Michael..." "[Beep]" "[Breathing machine hisses]" "Cut, cut, cut!" "Mnh-mnh." "Nope." "Uh, nurse Martha?" "Can you..." "[Sighs]" "Can you fix my mustache?" "Yes, halley?" "Hi." "Um, can we unplug dad's" "Breathing machine real quick?" "It'll just be for, like, a" "Second." "Uh..." "Dad, is it okay with you?" "No, uh, halley..." "Dad?" "No, no." "It's fine." "We don't need to unplug the" "Breathing machine." "Really?" "Yeah, yeah." "It's fine." "Why don't... just head back to" "Set." "It's totally fine." "You're the boss." "All right." "Going again." "Can you move?" "Can you... is everything" "Okay?" "Yes, Ryan." "It's not about you." "All right, going again." ""The untitled green-lit"" "Halley feiffer vehicle porno..." "Um, vehicle promo trailer" ""Project."" "Take two." "Mark." "Here we go." "Very still, and action." "[Keyboard clacking]" "Hey, Michael." "You want to try it in my butt" "Again?" "[With accent] Halley..." "No," "I don't." "We only have a couple weeks" "Left to get this draft done." "Wait, no." "Cut!" "Cut!" "Ryan, why are you talking like" "That?" "[Normal voice] Because I" "Did a little research." "Googled chernus." "He's eastern European... from" "[With accent] Russia." "Chekhov, smirnoff, boleslavsky." "Wha... no, stop it!" "You sound like an asshole!" "Didn't you listen to" "Austin Pendleton's dialect tapes" "Like I told you to?" "Aghh!" "Michael, I can't do this," "Michael." "Hal... halley?" "Yeah?" "I can't do this." "This is..." "Stop it, Ryan!" "This is horrible." "We have to stop now." "It's okay, halley." "Let's just keep going." "It sounds okay?" "Yeah, it's fine." "Don't believe you." "Let's keep going, okay?" "Okay!" "Don't have to yell." "Thank you, Michael." "Yeah." "[Mockingly] "Thank you"," "Michael."" "Here we go." "Yeah, can you just give me" "One second?" "[Gulps]" "Michael?" "She's really thirsty." "[Smack]" "All right." "I'm ready to go again." "Here we go." "Ready?" "Yes." "And..." "Action." "Hey, Michael." "You want to try it in my butt" "Again?" "Yep, so... i just did that." "Moving ahead." "Halley, please." "Moving ahead!" "Um, you want to drunk-dial Ryan," "Cocksucker?" "[Laughs]" "Yeah, that's really funny." "Cut, cut." "Tracee." "Could you go in there, please," "And smell her beer for me?" "Yeah." "Copy that." "No." "I'm ready to go again." "Now." "All right." "Flying in!" "Stepping on to a hot set." "Wait." "Tracee, what are you" "Doing in this scene?" "You come in later." "You're not in this scene." "You come later." "Yeah, I know." "I need your prop." "But why?" "I love my prop." "Yeah, I know you do, sweetie," "But I need to take it." "No." "I'm sorry, honey." "What?" "No!" "Yes!" "No!" "Halley!" "[Both arguing]" "Stop it!" "Aaah!" "[Crash]" "Jesus." "No, tra..." "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "[Audio feedback]" "Ah, shit!" "Oh!" "Halley, you hurt me!" "Well, you hurt me every day!" "Let's keep making the movie." "I am so good right now." "Halley." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "All right." "Everybody's here." "There's too many people." "I don't understand." "This is supposed to be a closed" "Set, Michael." "Ryan." "Ryan." "Babe, are you okay?" "No, she really hurt me." "Tracee, give me some rosé!" "No, no, no." "No rosé." "No, no." "What?" "Oh, no." "Oh..." "[Retches]" "Ohhh." "Halley, come on!" "[Electricity crackles]" "Get it off!" "Get it off!" "Something's burning!" "Okay, cut." "It's not good at all." "Halley?" "I love you guys." "Just a little bit right here." "Hola." "Hello." "Bongiorno." "Jambo." "My name is halley feiffer, and I" "Am not an alcoholic." "I just really love drinking." "[Indistinct greetings]" "Me es aquí pronto because I'm" "Making a movie and my puta" "Brother and his gay boyfriend" "Said I have to come here if I" "Want to keep being in the movie" "So..." "Oh, and since you're all" "Wondering, that was me in" ""The squid and the whale" so" "Please respect my anonymity" "Apropos of that." "Do you want a 24-hour coin?" "Are they free?" "Oh, yeah." "Oh, then definitely." "[Laughs]" "[Laughs]" "Okay." "We're passing this really" "Slowly." "Thank you." "[Humming]" "[Coins jingle]" "[Gasps] Oh, my God." "Wha..." "Natasha lyonne?" "Teen choice breakout star from" "The "slums of Beverly hills"?" "Uh, that's why it's" "Anonymous." "[Gasps]" "I'm so sorry!" "I will totally respect your" "Anonymity apropos of your" ""American pie" films." "All right." "Why don't we close out with a" "Serenity prayer?" "Pass those back." "Oh, I'll do whatever you say." "And I'm happy to hear about" "Your dog." "Later." "Yeah, later." "Uh, you got a sponsor?" "What?" "Oh, no." "I've never had sex with a woman." "Huh?" "Sorry, I was just enchanted" "By your voluminous eyelashes and" "Impressive résumé." "What did you ask me?" "Do you have a sponsor?" "Um, oh!" "No." "I'm not really an alcoholic." "Yeah, well, you look like an" "Alcoholic." "Listen, if you want somebody to" "Talk to, you know, just to" "Answer your questions, take you" "Through the steps, I'd be happy" "To work with you." "Really?" "Yeah." "Or if you just want to go grab a" "Drink or something, you know." "Hit me up." "Just kidding." "I don't drink anymore." "Anyway, here's my number." "Is this your agent's number?" "No, it's my cellphone number." "Think you can smoke in here?" "Uh..." "Ehh." "Mmm." "Bye, guys!" "Keep coming back!" "[Giggles]" "I'm talking to you." "Oh, my God, Ryan." "This 12-step thing is so" "Awesome." "I totally got Natasha lyonne" "From "but I'm a cheerleader" to" "Be my sponsor!" "I'm gonna go to every meeting in" "Town and find my entire cast." "'Kay, bye!" "[Humming]" "[Brakes squeak]" "[Engine shuts off]" "Oh, God, no." "Aaah!" "Ah!" "Oh, my Buddha!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "This isn't happening." "Ben!" "Ben!" "Big hug, big hug." "[Smooches]" "Ben!" "Remember me from Broadway?" "Remember me from Broadway?" "Hi, Haley." "Oh, it's halley, but you can" "Call me whatever you want." "How are you?" "What are you doing?" "You look so good." "You look so tan." "Were you in Hawaii?" "I know you have a house there." "Was it nice?" "Did you go snorkeling?" "Anyway, how are you?" "What are you doing?" "Are you on your way to a" "Meeting?" "Like a big movie meeting?" "What are you meeting about," ""Greenberg 2"?" "Do you need someone to fill in" "The greta gerwig role?" "She's so hot right now." "Oh, my God." "I'm obviously so jealous of her," "But just trying to be nice." "Can you go?" "Oh, yeah." "Bye." "Bye." "Oh, no, no!" "Wait!" "Just roll down the window really" "Quick!" "Really, really quick!" "What?" "It means a lot that you're" "Talking to me because I really" "Thought you would never speak to" "Me again after I asked you to" "Throw your hot dog down my" "Hallway." "Sorry, sorry, sorry." "[Laughs]" "Wha..." "I can't do this." "You're too upsetting to me." "Don't..." "Hmm." "Muscles." "[Giggles]" "Oh!" "No, this hurts a little bit, but" "In a good way... in a good way." "Anyway, I just wanted to say" "Thank you so much for funding my" "Film." "It's gonna kick ass at" "Sanddunes." "[Laughs]" "Uh-huh." "What film?" "What film?" "Hello!" ""The untitled green-lit"" "Halley feiffer vehicle promo" "Trailer project"?" "You're the executive producer." "Tracee was swiping your cards" "Yesterday like precious at a" "Kfc, and we just thank you so" "Much." "We could not have done it" "Without you." "Beep!" "[Laughs]" "Got your nose." "So cute." "Sorry, sorry, sorry." "Sorry." "Wait a minute, tracee?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Tracee." "Tracee." "Yeah, tracee." "You know tracee." "I fired tracee two days ago." "You fired tracee." "Yeah." "I don't understand." "She stole from me." "[Gasps]" "Freak show." "Of all the streets in New York." "[Bell dings]" "Grr!" "[Grunts]" "Tracee!" "Get your fat-ass, sorry-ass ass" "Face down here!" "Halley?" "I need to talk to you a mano" "Our mano!" "Okay, hold on to your" "Chihuahuas." "I'll be right down." "Hi, halley." "How are you?" "Wow." "You look really pretty." "I know I do." "Now shut your bloated face and" "Listen carefully to the words" "Spilling from my silvery lips." "You..." "Are..." "A..." "Genius." "[Exhales deeply]" "I thought you were mad at me!" "How could little old me be" "Mad at such a ravishing acorn?" "You secured funding for my film" "By extortionating Ben stiller." "I have never seen such" "Ingenuity... such" "Resourcefulness..." "Huh?" "Such resolve." "Ah!" "The word "no" does not exist" "In your dojo." "Ahh." "Mmm." "Tastes like a fairy do." "You made this film a priority" "Against all odds." "You set your eyes on the prize," "And you didn't let go until the" "Fat lady sang, and you don't" "Even know how to sing." "[Gasps]" "Mmm!" "Cupcakes." "[Both gasp]" "Hollywood?" "Ha ha!" "More like halleywood." "Ah!" "And it's all thanks to you." "I'm gonna teach you well," "Grasshopper." "Can we go upstairs?" "Oh, I can't." "I just can't." "Oh, yes." "I can't." "I just..." "Yes." "Oui." "Ohh!" "Yes!" "I can't!" "[Both screaming]" "[Baby cries]" "[Camera shutter clicks]" "[Screaming continues]" "[Door closes]" "You want some coffee?" "Um, do you have half and" "Half?" "No, just almond milk." "That's fine." "Two splendas." "So Michael and Ryan say we" "Can't resume principal" "Photography unless you stop" "Drinking." "Did it." "On it." "Love it." "Natasha lyonne's my sponsor." "Next!" "[Glasses clink]" "Tasha?" "Really?" "She was sparkling in the" "Ephron sisters'" ""Love, loss, and what I wore"" "Off-Broadway." "Do you think she'd be willing to" "Do our movie?" "On it... totally on the" "Burner." "As soon as I finish my four-step" "Inventory, I'm totes gonna ask" "Her to make a special cameo" "Appearance." "Well, snap, snap, girlfriend," "Because we have to start" "Shooting this kitten wagon" "Before stiller lawyers up and" "Presses charges." "Could we kidnap him?" "Brills." "We only have a little less than" "A week to finish the trailer," "Edit it, and get that bitch" "Postmarked and in the mail for" "The sanddunes peeps in L.A." "Ugh." "And I have to shoot it" "With Ryan?" "Actually, I have a little" "Surprise stewing on the stove" "For you." "Just give me one hot sec." "Hmm." "Uh!" "Driver!" "This is good." "[Clears throat]" "Okay." "[Door opens, closes]" "Um, sir?" "I'm just gonna hang in here" "While she runs out and grabs" "Something real quick, if that's" "Cool?" "You can keep the meter running." "Yeah, yeah." "That's fine, fine." "Take your time, come on." "[Humming]" "Where are you from?" "Pakistan." "Hot." "I was a doctor back home, you" "Know." "Okay, could you stop" "Bragging?" "It makes me uncomfortable." "Hey, this is Jesse." "Uh, leave a message." "I'll get back to you as soon as" "Possible." "Thanks." "[Beep]" "Hey, Jesse." "It's halley again." "I was hoping to catch you on the" "Phone so I wouldn't have to tell" "You in a message, but, um, I" "Wrote a script, and it looks" "Like Ben stiller is producing" "It." "[Grunting]" "So that's very exciting." "Oh!" "Gotta run." "We have a meeting with stiller" "Right now." "Okay." "Oh!" "Oh!" "[Muffled yelling]" "Shh!" "Shh!" "Shhh!" "Okay, we're all set." "Just take us back home now," "Please." "Thank you." "Back home." "[Muffled] Tracee!" "[Indistinct shouting]" "So, what's this bubbling" "Surprise about?" "Ooh!" "It turns out macchio loves" "Freckly blondes with impressive" "Family pedigrees." "[Indistinct shouting]" "So he's agreed to meet with you" "For a half-hour about the movie" "Tonight!" "[Screams]" "Ugh!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ohhh, okay." "Let me go!" "Shh!" "Shh!" "There, there, stiller." "There, there." "Tracee!" "Tracee, you're fired..." "Again!" "I know." "Bitch." "I will end you!" "All right, so, tracee," "When/where is this macchio" "Meeting to occur?" "Your pad. 7:00 tonight." "I gave him the addy." "Perf!" "You have to seal the deal." "[Gasps]" "Thank God I just got my cootchie" "Vajazzled." "[Muffled grunting]" "Oh!" "I forgot!" "I per diem-ed this bottle of" "Champagne for you for tonight." "Oh, but, tracee, remember, I" "Can't drink anymore." "[Scoffs]" "You can deal with your drinking" "Problem anytime, but the" "Deadline for the screenwriter's" "Lab is in a week, so get your" "Priorities straight." "[Grunting continues]" "I hate you guys!" "Well, what do we do about" "Ryan?" "Oh, he will be so happy that" "We got Daniel-San to be in your" "Film." "He will totes sacrifice his role" "For something so vital." "I'm powerful, and I will end" "You!" "[Grunts]" "Totes. "Migotes."" "Halley, I'm gonna smack the" "Freckles off your stupid face." "* put it in, pull it out * * put it in again * * put it in, pull it out * * put it in again * * put it in, pull it out *" "Good thing you've done all" "That period work, baby girl." "* put it in, pull it out * * put it in again * * put it in, pull it out * * put it in again * * put it in, pull it out * * put it in again *" "* whoopsie Daisy * * go around the world again * * put it in, pull it out * * put it in again * * whoopsie Daisy * * go, go, go * * ooh, ooh *" "* yeah *" "This is for you, mom." "[Doorbell buzzes]" "Coming." "* put it in, pull it out * * put it again * * what was your name again?" "*" "Hey." "I'm Ralph." "Wow." "Wax on, wax off." "Wax on, wax off." "Let me know if you need a" "Hand with that wax." "Konnichiwa, sensei macchio." "Um, I-i-i have a question for" "You." "I have both reservoir tip and" "Non, if that's what you're" "Asking." "It's noted." "But what I wanted to know, is it" "Cool if my scene partner from" "Austin Pendleton's acting class" "Sits on your couch while we have" "Our meeting?" "You see, we're working on... on" ""Streetcar," and I couldn't find" "A Starbucks in this area, so" "I..." "Is that cool?" "[Sighs]" "Your scene part... oh." "Is that cool?" "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Of course." "Great." "Yeah." "It can be a party." "Hi." "I'm mamie." "This is halley feiffer." "Oh." "Halley feiffer." "You're Jesse eisenberg's friend." "Oh, my God." "He loves you. [Laughs]" "He speaks so highly of you." "We... we were just potlucking on" "The vineyard." "Hi." "Ah." "I love your outfit." "It's so fun." "So fun." "Are you..." "Is it, like, a costume party or" "Something?" "Yeah." "Well, Jesse really wouldn't" "Stop talking about halley while" "We were snapping lobster claws." "He thinks she's awesome." "You should totally do her movie." "Well, what's the part?" "You'd play my boyfriend." "Nice." "Do we get to have sex?" "Oh!" "Ralph!" "[Laughs] What?" "Listen, I need to know what to" "Tell my wife when I bring home" "An std, you know?" "I'm just..." "I'm just kidding." "He's so bad." "So bad." "Hey, you like me that way." "'Cause you're my blanche, and I" "Will..." "Take you sexually." "Stanley." "Stanley." "[Southern accent] But," "Stanley, you're my husband." "[Normal voice] I was just" "Being Stella." "Both:" "Oh." "[Chuckles]" "Listen, uh, what's, uh, what are" "You shooting?" "What is it?" "Just a short film or...?" "Very short." "Well, mamie has great taste." "We all enjoy the talents of a" "Dead, gay writer, so, uh, before" "We hold you up from your costume" "Party, why don't you give me the" "Script?" "[Chuckling] Okay." "One second." "She's adorable." "She's funny." "Ooh." "Look at that." "Okay." "[Bells jingle]" "[Laughs]" "It's my screen..." "Wow." "Flashy." "[Chuckles]" "I'll give it a read." "I promise." "Great." "Right away." "It was really nice to meet" "You." "Finally." "[Chuckles]" "Have fun at your party." "I'll see you." "She's really talented." "And hot." "Did you see those legs?" "[Laughing] Yeah." "[Laughs]" "Come on." "[Door closes]" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "[Squeals]" "[Birds chirping]" "[Indistinct conversations]" "Good morning." "Good morning, Sean." "What a beautiful day." "Oh, bye, dad." "Thanks for making yourself" "Scarce." "Good morning, everyone." "I've arrived." "Ah." "I love an early call time." "Good job, you." "Can't wait to start shooting." "* daddy issues * * daddy, daddy, daddy * * oh, daddy issues * * boys call me crazy and I don't" "Know why * * daddy issues * * daddy issues *" "* I am the apple of my daddy's" "Eye * * daddy issues *" "Ow." "Um, guys, where's tracee?" "Doesn't she know she's in the" "Scene?" "She's not picking up her" "Phone." "Does anyone have eyes on our" "Director?" "[Groans]" "I hate tracee." "All right." "You know what?" "That's okay." "I know a better actress who's" "Much prettier and famouser." "[Cellphone rings]" "Oh, hi, Natasha." "Natasha lyonne." "Hi." "It's halley." "Are you busy right now?" "Oh, you are?" "Um..." "Oh, no, no, no." "I'm fine." "It's just... oh..." "[Fake sniffling]" "[Voice breaking] I'm going" "Through a really rough time, and" "I might..." "I might drink." "[Sighs]" "Oh, really?" "Oh, thank you so much." "Um, I'll text you the addy." "Okay, great." "Thank you so much." "Morning, halley." "Oh." "Oh." "You seem rested and... and" "Perky." "Oh, you know, it's just one" "Day at a time." "Wow." "Your 24-hour coin." "I'm gonna get enough to give" "One to each and every member of" "This fantastic crew." "That's so awesome, halley." "And I just called Juilliard to" "Tell them I am not going to be" "Returning this fall." "I think this movie is truly a" "Game-changer for us both." "Yay." "Yay." "Hey, guys, uh, we got to skip" "To the bedroom scene because" "Tracee's not here." "So, could you just get dressed" "For that, please, halley?" "Uh, sure." "Can we wait like an hour?" "No, we cannot wait an hour." "You need to get dressed right" "Now." "[Radio chatter]" "Oh, my God." "That mustache." "Do you want to touch it?" "No." "Director's headed to set." "Ugh." "Come on, macchio." "[Both moaning]" "[Moans] Yeah." "[With accent] Oh, yes." "Yes." "Are you fully erect?" "Yes." "Your penis feels really" "Small." "Halley!" "Ugh!" "Ryan!" "I cannot act with you if you're" "Talking in that stupid voice!" "[Normal voice] Could you" "Just not tell me how to" "Interrupt my character?" "Michael urie is the director," "Not you." "Halley." "What?" "Stop telling Ryan what to do." "Thank you!" "Ryan, don't... don't do the" "Accent." "See?" "You don't need to decorate" "Your performance." "Okay." "All right, guys." "Focus." "Remember the given" "Circumstances." "All right." "This is the last night of" "Your relationship." "You love each other, but you're" "Tearing each other apart." "Okay." "Here we go." "[Both trilling, rambling]" "Okay." "And action." "[Both moaning]" "Are you fully erect?" "Yeah." "Your penis feels really" "Small." "Halley." "[Moaning continues]" "What... wait." "Why is there somebody back" "There?" "Who is in the back..." "Who is back there?" "What the frick?" "We're holding?" "Uh..." "H-hold." "Hold!" "What..." "Oh, shit." "I'm sorry." "Is that Ralph macchio?" "[Gasps]" "Ralph?" "!" "Aah!" "[Laughs]" "Oh, my God!" "[Squeals]" "My God!" "Okay, uh, cut." "Cut." "Holding." "Holding." "Um, class..." "This is Ralph macchio." "[Giggles]" "You might remember this teen" "Dream from such blockbusters as" ""My cousin vinny,"" ""The karate kid," and" ""The outsiders," in which he" "Played a young, cretinous yo-yo." "Um, master macchio, this is" "Team feiffer." "Go, team!" "Hey, everyone." "Hi, Ralph." "Hi." "Uh, can I get some sides?" "Oh!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Here, um, um, here are Ryan's" "Sides." "Thanks." "What are you doing, halley?" "Well, Ryan..." "He's Ralph macchio." "I mean, let's call a spade a" "Spade." "Oh, Ryan." "[Chuckles]" "I don't understand why you're so" "Upset about this." "I mean, he's Ralph macchio." "He's famous, so he's our real" "Star, and..." "You're not famous," "So you're worth nothing." "Wait, what?" "Wait." "What... what's going on?" "Technical difficulties." "Holding." "Halley." "Holding." "[Groans]" "Babe, just don't waste your" "Breath." "She's not worth it." "She's clearly mentally ill." "Okay, alcoholics are the" "Elite of the mentally ill." "Hey." "The gay guy from "ugly Betty."" "I worked with you." "Hi, Ralph." "I can't believe that I" "Trusted you." "I worked really hard on this." "This was gonna be our chance." "My one chance." "Oh, Ryan." "You can't make an omelet if you" "Don't even have a chicken." "And one day, you will be a" "Chicken." "I can promise you that." "But right now, you're more like" "A tiny, preemie, chickety" "Thingie that was ripped out of" "The uterus of a raped preteen" "Chicken who shouldn't have been" "Having a baby anyway." "I can be a chicken." "Babe, babe, don't waste your" "Breath." "Just let it g..." "Oh, no, Michael!" "Where are you going?" "We have a movie to make." "I mean, I scored Ralph macchio." "I scored a bona fide teen" "Heartthrob." "Halley." "Celebrities don't make a movie" "Great." "Heart is what makes a movie" "Great." "And you have no heart." "[Scoffs]" "[Sighs]" "I'm sorry, everybody, but that's" "It." "Sorry for wasting your time, but" "You can go ahead and pack it up." "This movie's wrapped." "What?" "Yeah." "Wrapped?" "No." "Wait..." "No, guys, that's fine, because" "We still have Ralph macchio, so" "I'll just make my movie with" "Ralph!" "Right, Ralph?" "I will snap you in half." "Did you ever see" ""The karate kid"?" "I mean, all the action" "Sequences?" "Just like that." "Just like... huh?" "You know what?" "This is all tracee's fault!" "She's the one ruining this" "Movie, not me!" "It was her idea to replace Ryan" "With Ralph macchio!" "Halley!" "[Grunts]" "Tracee." "No, tracee, i..." "No!" "[Sobs]" "All right, well..." "[Chuckles]" "I was in" ""The squid and the whale."" "* hushabye * * now it's time" "To close your little eyes *" "* I apologize" "If I forgot to say good night * * it's dreamy time * * and we can find a brand-new" "Paradise * * where everyone is nice * * and we can fly *" "What?" "Ugh." "Halley." "Halley." "Huh." "Natasha?" "[Chuckles]" "So, I guess you drank." "Oh, my God." "Nata... i... whoa." "I can't even believe you're" "Here." "Thank God." "Okay." "Okay, okay, okay." "Do you think you can" "Convincingly portray the role of" "My ex-boyfriend Michael chernus" "In my movie?" "Let's put this barleycorn" "Down." "Why don't we go downstairs and" "Natasha, I don't have time" "For coffee." "The sanddunes screenwriters lab" "Deadline is in three days." "All right." "Put the screenwriters lab on the" "Back burner for a second." "If you don't want coffee, we can" "Get you a nice green juice" "Maybe, kale smoothie..." "Pffft!" "Kale smoothie?" "Spinach with lemon ginger," "Some cayenne pepper." "I don't think so." "I think I'd rather die." "Yeah, well, if you keep this" "Shit up, you might die!" "What are you..." "Natasha, I don't have a drinking" "Problem!" "[Chuckles]" "I went to your 12-step" "Meeting, and you guys were" "Really, really nice." "It's a little boring." "And now my break from drinking" "Is done, and I'm fine." "Obviously." "Look." "[Chuckles]" "I'm drinking." "Nothing's happening." "So, thank you so much for your" "Help." "But just because you can't drink" "Anymore doesn't mean that I" "Can't, okay?" "Is this how you drink?" "Do you want to smell the" "Bottle?" "Get that shit away from me." "What the fuck is wrong with you?" "Hey." "Back in the '90s, I was supposed" "To be the Sundance kid, but I" "Was too boozed up." "That's you!" "I'm different and younger!" "We were all younger." "Hey, if you want my help, you" "Know where to find me." "If not, good luck, all right?" "Oh, break a leg!" "What?" "Is this a fucking" "Important movie?" "No, nata... okay, Natasha." "Come on, Natasha." "Natasha." "Oh, fuck!" "Ow." "Yeah?" "I need help." "That's a start." "It's gonna be all right." "Thank you." "Okay." "* we'll be starstruck and" "Sunblind * * cocksure and tongue-tied * * as we fly by, they'll cry out" ""Won't you please be mine?" * * hushabye * * never mind the bad things in" "Your life *" "[Sighs] * here's your lullaby," "Honey *" "I'm sorry." "Oh, God, Ryan, I'm so, so sorry." "I never should have replaced you" "With Ralph macchio." "I love you so much." "I think you're so talented." "Um, I've spent the last 12 hours" "In 12-step meetings, and I've" "Actually stayed." "I've actually listened." "And I really want to change." "I really want to try to stop" "Drinking." "A day at a time." "Oh, God." "I'm proud of you." "[Sniffles] Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Um..." "When you come with me to" "Los Angeles, we can make a pitch" "To the sanddunes people and" "Convince them in person as a" "Team to make our film." "Our film?" "Yeah." "Our." "Bagel?" "Oh, no carbs." "I'm a movie star now." "You're so cute." "All right." "Let's start packing." "Like, right now?" "Yeah, we got to go." "The deadline's in like eight" "Hours." "Okay. [Laughs]" "Really?" "Yeah, I'm not fucking around." "Here." "Let me take that." "[Airplane passes over]" "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "Here's the elevator." "Okay." "Press it." "Press it." "Come on." "This is taking so long." "It's okay, Ryan." "It's okay." "We can wait." "It's okay." "It's okay." "Come on!" "This is taking so long!" "Okay, let's go, let's go," "Let's go!" "[Fast-forward speaking]" "[Keys clacking]" "[Telephone rings]" "Can you hold the door?" "Hold the door!" "Hold the door!" "Get out of the way." "Okay, I need a break." "Okay." "Let's take a break." "Oh!" "I'm so tired." "I'm so tired." "Are you okay?" "Are you okay?" "Oh, Ryan." "Ryan." "I think that's sanddunes." "I think it's right there." "Where?" "Ryan, right there." "Okay, let's go." "Let's go." "All right." "Go." "Go." "Let's go." "Can you hold the door?" "Hold the door!" "Hold the door!" "Hold the door." "Go, go." "I'm gonna leave my suitcase." "Okay." "Leave it." "Hi." "Hi." "Oh!" "I need water." "No, no time for water." "Hi." "Are you guys okay?" "Yeah." "We're here to see the... the" "President of the sanddunes" "Institute screenwriters lab of" "The sanddunes institute." "For?" "We have an idea." "What are you talking about?" "I was..." "She was in" ""The squid and the whale"!" ""The squid and the whale"?" "Noah baumbach's cinematic" "Masterpiece?" "Ring-a-ding-ding-dong." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "I-I didn't recognize you on all" "Fours." "Um, Jesse will be so excited to" "See you." "Jesse?" "Jesse eisenberg." "He's our guest celebrity judge" "This year." "[Door opens]" "[Gasps]" "Halley?" "Oh, God." "Jesse." "It's like seeing an angel." "[Both panting]" "Come on." "I hate it when you talk to me" "Like that." "I love it when you tell me" "That you hate things that I do." "Okay, all right, why don't" "You guys get up off the floor?" "No, we like being on the" "Floor because it shows our" "Deference to you." "[Sighs]" "Jesus Christ." "Okay." "Okay." "Oh." "Hey." "It's fun down here, right?" "Right." "Right." "Yeah, how you doing, Ryan?" "Hey, Jesse." "It's really great to see you." "You look handsome." "Thanks." "So, what are you guys even doing" "Here?" "And I'm sorry I never returned" "Your calls." "It's just, your messages kind of" "Freaked me out." "I know, and I'm so sorry." "I freak myself out." "[Chuckles]" "I call you drunk, and I make" "Up these stories about how great" "I'm doing and..." "I just want you to think I'm" "Cool." "And obviously, you know, I" "Haven't been that cool." "But I really am trying to" "Change." "And part of that change is" "Taking my life into my own" "Hands." "Please let us pitch our movie" "Idea for you." "I don't know." "Please?" "Please, please, please." "Please?" "Please, please, please." "Please?" "Yeah, please?" "Please?" "All right." "What the hell." "It's five minutes." "Aah!" "Oh, thank you, Jesse!" "They legalized gay marriage," "Jesse!" "Okay, now, do you have a" "Flamethrower, three tea cups," "And an accompanist?" "Yeah, and three tea cups?" "[Chuckles] No." "No, we don't have tea cups." "That is fine." "We will do it a capella." "Okay." "Do you want to loosen up?" "Yeah, yeah." "All right." "Here we go." "Okay." "Okay, I'm gonna drop you" "Down, ready?" "Get down on your knees." "Okay." "Okay, I'm gonna push your" "Head." "Push it in." "All right." "[Both groan]" "Okay." "And a-five, and a-six, and" "A-five, six, seven, eight." "Both: * we wrote a movie" "Starring both of us * * it's amazing *" "* I play me * * and I'm Michael chernus *" "Both: * there's a foot cam" "And anal * * b-u-u-u-u-u-t * * before we're through," "In comes Ralph macchio * * and urie packs up the crew *" "Oh." "That's a wrap!" "[Notes play]" "Both: * then it's dramatic * * lots of drinking alone * * my anonymous sponsor is" "Natasha lyonne *" "* Jesse, so sorry for" "Drunk-dialing your phone * * we were just hoping you would" "Throw us a bone *" "[Notes play] * tracee got Ben stiller's" "Money * * anorexics don't like honey * * crashing the 12 steps * * paramedics * * then comes redemption * * sweet, glorious redemption * * and that's how it all * * works * * all, all, all *" "Yeah!" "All!" "All!" "Fish her in." "Fish her in." "Fish her in." "Both: * works out *" "* Vanessa Williams *" "[Chuckles]" "Bang!" "Okay, that's it." "Aah!" "[Laughs] Thank you!" "Thank you, guys." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "[Laughs]" "Thank you." "Thank you." "[Chuckling] I'm sorry." "I'm completely confused here." "Um..." "Yeah, me, too." "I'm not sure what it is you" "Want." "I mean, I don't mean to be" "Dense, but what... what is the" "Movie idea?" "I don't... i don't get it." "Um..." "I got it." "Yeah, it's basically about..." "A girl in the ballet, and she" "Has to play two different kinds" "Of swans, and one is really nice" "And sweet, and the other's very" "Dark and sexy." "And how does she play both," "Basically." "Halley..." "Okay, you're right." "[Chuckles]" "That song has nothing to do with" "Our movie idea." "No, Ryan's right." "Yeah." "Oh, my God." "Yeah, my whole life I've just" "Been trying to do the least" "Amount of work possible." "Trying to trick people into" "Giving me things I don't" "Deserve." "Do you want to talk to her?" "Yeah." "Um, again, I don't mean to be" "Obtuse, but I think we're" "Probably all just wondering." "What... what is the movie?" "We don't know." "We don't know." "We have no idea." "Yeah." "We're totally unprepared for" "This meeting, and it really" "Breaks my heart because I have" "[Voice breaking] Dreamed about" "This moment my whole life." "You know what, Ryan?" "It's okay." "Let's go." "We finally have humility." "Uh, okay." "Goodbye." "Halley, thanks a lot." "Bye, Ryan." "Have a good flight." "So, that's it?" "Yeah, you're not gonna try to" "Stop us?" "Oh, no, I think we've got it." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Thank you." "I'm not sure exactly what we" "Got." "Jesse." "[Chuckles] Yeah." "I know." "Sorry." "I'm..." "I'm not really sure what" "It is you want us to say." "I don't know." "Don't forget your keyboard" "Application." "Ryan." "I don't know." "Bye." "Good luck." "Great energy." "Hey, guys." "Hey, wait up." "Listen, before you go, for" "Whatever it's worth, you both" "Seem to have such a unique" "Connection, and I think maybe if" "You looked into that, you might" "Have an interesting story." "Whoa." "Whoa." "Okay." "Oh." "All right." "Okay." "Thanks, guys." "Whoa, thank you, Ryan." "Thank you, Jesse." "Thanks." "Okay." "Thank you so much." "Really, it's time to go now." "Oh, come on." "Shut up, Facebook." "That's cute." "Thank you." "Okay." "Thanks." "No, no." "Don't do that." "Oh." "Okay." "Thanks." "Okay." "Hey, halley, come here for a" "Second." "I still think you're cool, okay?" "All right." "[Chuckles]" "Now get out of here, scamp." "So, Michael chernus, the last" "Part of my ninth-step amends is" "Something that is really, really" "Difficult to tell you." "A year ago, i..." "Violated your" "Privacy in a major way by, um," "Turning the intimate details of" "Our life together into a 10-page" "Screenplay and five-minute" "Teaser trailer." "[Sighs] I'm so, so sorry for" "Betraying your trust this way." "My living amends to you is my" "Sobriety." "In my sobriety, I will work" "Every day to treat you with" "Respect and dignity." "Okay, wait." "Hold on." "You what?" "That's what your movie was?" "[Sighs] I'm so sorry." "Huh." "Well, you certainly did a lot of" "Fucked-up things." "And I've spent a lot of time" "Being angry with you." "But..." "After we broke up, I decided to" "Make a lot of changes in my" "Life, too." "I, uh, I cleaned up my act." "I got my own place." "And I'm learning to let go of my" "Anger." "I love you." "Always have." "Huh." "I know that it took guts to" "Apologize like you just did." "I've never seen that in you" "Before." "Well, I have never seen that" "In you before." "What?" "Your chin!" "[Laughs]" "Your chin." "[Laughs]" "'Cause you shaved." "'Cause you..." "Because I shaved." "Yeah." "I never saw the... yeah." "Because there was..." "There was hair there." "Yeah." "Uh-huh." "That's funny." "It was a joke that..." "It was funny." "You just didn't get it." "Want to go get a froyo before" "Your big night?" "Yeah." "Yeah?" "Totes." "I totally do." "Okay." "Come on, you." "[Laughs]" "You didn't really like that" "Joke?" "You tell a joke?" "I thought you quit that." "Just 'cause you don't drink" "Doesn't mean you can't like" "Jokes." "[Camera shutters clicking]" "All right, you got this." "[Cheers and applause]" "[Laughter]" "Aww!" "Aww." "[Laughs]" "Ryan, my genius brother, will" "You help me make my movie?" "Yes." "[Laughter]" "So, Ryan has to ask you a" "Dire straits question, right," "Halley and I have been" "Working on a new screenplay" "Idea." "It's more like a comment on real" "Life." "Would you be into directing it?" "Yes." "[Laughter]" ""The untitled green-lit"" "Halley feiffer vehicle promo" ""Trailer project."" "I'm ready to go again." "Now." "All right, guys." "Focus." "Focus." "Wow." "Yeah, halley, I need to take" "Your..." "What?" "No!" "Tracee, no!" "Aah!" "[Laughter]" "Whoopsie Daisy." "Yeah, you were such an idiot." "I remember." "Get me some more rosé." "Aah!" "No." "Cut." "That's a wrap." "This movie's over." "You can pack up your gear and" "Take off." "We're done here." "What?" "Michael!" "No!" "[Slow evil laughter," "[Thunder rumbles]" "[Glasses clinking]" "[Sobs]" "[Cork pops]" "[Vomiting]" "[Sniffles]" "[Sniffles]" "We wanted to make it more" "Like "capturing the friedmans,"" "So we added some mysterious" "Eroticism." "* sometimes the sun goes" "'Round the moon *" "* I see the passion in your" "Eyes * * sometimes it's all a big" "Surprise *" "Mom?" "Ryan, uh, why you calling me" "Mom?" "I'm really worried about my" "Feelings towards halley." "I think they turned sexual." "Ryan, who's halley?" "[Fake sobs]" "And where's Michael?" "[Sobbing] I love her," "Mommy." "What's that thing in my face?" "Get that camera out of my face!" "Aah!" "That's Vanessa Williams!" "* ..." "You're looking for * * it's the one thing you can't" "See *" "[Gasps]" "Children!" "It is I, world-famous satirist" "Jules feiffer!" "Hey, dad." "Hey, dad." "Hi." "What are you doing?" "This is incest, the last taboo." "You are besmirching the feiffer" "Kingdom." "You two should kill yourselves." "He's really good, isn't he?" "You two should kill" "Yourselves!" "[Sobbing] Dad, I love you." "Not her fault." "[Both sobbing]" "[Gun cocks]" "[Sniffles]" "[Gunshot]" "[Thud]" "[Laughs]" "Oh, yeah." "Oh, my God." "[Gun cocks]" "[Gunshot]" "[Both cheering]" "Oh, we worked so hard." "We're so awesome!" "It was so good!" "Yes, we are!" "We're so good!" "We're so good!" "Yes, yes, yes, yes!" "Both:" "Us!" "Us!" "Us!" "Us!" "Us!" "Us!" "Us!" "Us!" "Us!" "Us!" "I love us so much." "You are so vital." "* hey, my vagina is eight" "Miles wide * * absolutely everyone can come" "Inside * * if you're ever frightened... *" "I'm Michael ausiello for" "We're here at the premiere of" ""Capturing the feiffers."" "[Sobs]" "Let's get their reaction." "Hi." "How was the movie?" "Don't want to [Bleep] talk" "About it!" "Hi." "How was the movie?" "Your reaction to the movie?" "[Speaks foreign language]" "Hey, what did you think of" "The movie?" "I'm gonna throw up." "Oh." "What did you think of the movie?" "Guys are [Bleep] sick!" "Reaction to the movie?" "Um..." "Reaction to the movie?" "No." "Hi." "Reaction to the movie." "Two thumbs up your [Bleep]" "[Sighs]" "In other entertainment news," "Ben stiller is still missing." "* we've got all night * * or do we?" "* * my clock is off and screwy * * hey, come up a notch * * you're on my watch * * hurry up and take your time *" "* it's all all right * * or is it?" "* * your fall was quite" "Exquisite * * hey, don't be cross * * you're still the boss * * hurry up and take your time *" "* I'm mixing up the pearl and" "Possessive *" "* I'll mine and mine alone if" "That's impressive * * and know that I am liable to" "Say yes * * if you're prime *" "* I hope I'm not appearing too" "Demanding * * you just look like you could" "Use some second-handing * * open the gate * * no rush, I'll wait * * hurry up and take your time *" "* the traces of your breath are" "Rather haunting * * you're making out with" "Everything you're wanting *"