"NARRATOR:" "Previously on Two and a Half Men:" "Great news, Alan." "Berta has agreed to be my live-in housekeeper." "Yeah, he talked me into it." "BERTA:" "I wonder what his sweat tastes like." "Time for me to go." "Wait, come here." "Give us a hug goodbye." "[ALAN CHUCKLES]" "I'm taking your room, Zippy." "You saved my butt back there." "I owe you big-time." "If there is anything you need, any way I can help you...." "Well, it's really uncomfortable living at my mom's." "You think I could stay for a few days till I find my own place?" "Yeah." "No problem." "I'm back." "[SINGING] When Alan comes Marching home again, hoorah, hoorah" "We'll give him a hearty welcome then Hoorah, hoorah" "Hello, room." "Do you miss me?" "BOTH:" "Whoa!" "What are you doing here?" "I live here." "What are you doing here?" "Walden said I could stay for a couple of days." "You don't stay anywhere for a couple of days." "Besides, this is my room now." "It was my room first." "Walden!" "Why don't you just take Jake's room?" "Why don't I just rip your arm off and slap you silly with it?" "Oh, hey." "What's going on?" "Did you tell him he could stay here?" "Just for a couple of days." "Okay, I've got to explain something to you." "This guy is like genital herpes." "Once you got him, you got him for life." "Now, that's not very fair." "How long did you tell your brother you'd be here?" "I'll just move over to Jake's room." "Good idea, go to Jake's room." "Wait, why are we calling it Jake's room?" "Herpes has a kid." "Herpes, Jr.?" "Hey, what you doing?" "I'm building a neural metric backend for a social media aggregator." "If I nail it, I can revolutionize the online entertainment sector." "Ooh, neural metrics." "Cool." "You know, I buy all my underwear online." ""Add to cart."" "[DOORBELL RINGING]" "Oh, no, no, no." "Let me get that, boss." ""Add to cart."" "That's adorable." "What are you doing here?" "It's your weekend to have custody of this." "Hello." "Judith, I told you I'm a guest here." "I can't just bring my kid over without asking." "So ask." "Bye." "Judith." "Judith." "Wait." "Judith." "She left the car running, Dad." "All right." "All right." "Don't move." "Don't come in the house." "Just stand right there." "But I really have to use" "Okay, how am I gonna play this?" "Dishonestly." "Hey, Walden." "I just got an e-mail from Bridget." "We're going out to dinner." "Oh, dating the ex." "Always good news." "Oh, hey, speaking of broken families and good news do you remember my son Jake?" "Uh, yeah." "Nice kid with the big head?" "Mm." "Yeah." "I like him." "And he liked you too." "So much so that he decided to drop by and say hi." "Where is he?" "Waiting outside." "I told him you can't just come over unannounced." "Why not?" "I do it all the time." "You're a handsome billionaire." "People are happy to see you." "I told him there was no way he could sleep over." "Why not?" "You wouldn't mind?" "Why would I mind?" "[URINE TRICKLING]" "Hey." "No reason, he's a great kid." "You need to keep in mind that it's not like the old days." "I'm a guest here." "You mean like the old days when you were a guest here?" "I was not a guest." "Right." "Because guests eventually leave." "Charlie was my brother." "He loved having me here." "Wow." "Denial isn't just a river in South America." "Africa." "What about it?" "Never mind." "Just behave yourself while you're here." "Fine." "Can I have some privacy now?" "That actually leads me to another thing." "See, Berta's got my room now, so" "No." "Yes." "It's just temporary." "No." "I'm not sleeping with my dad." "When you go to college you'll have a roommate." "But it won't be you." "It'll be like that time we went camping." "I was 10." "It was the worst weekend of my life." "Hey, I didn't enjoy it either, but it's a memory we'll share forever." "What, are we gonna sleep on the same bed?" "I'll get the air mattress." "That you'll sleep on." "No." "No." "Yes." "Yes." "Forget about it." "Look." "Look." "Okay." "I will pack up our stuff and we will go back to Grandma's." "Fine." "[SCOFFS]" "Fine." "Okay." "Don't come crying to me when she starts driving you crazy." "I won't." "At Grandma's, you gotta pee sitting down so there's no splatter." "I'll manage." "And that's how you pee, anyway." "I am not bluffing, Jake." "I believe you." "All right, I'll sleep on the stupid air mattress." "Good." "Three more seconds and I would've folded." "Damn." "So where do you wanna go to dinner tonight?" "What do you mean?" "You always pick the restaurant." "Well, who says the man is supposed to pick the restaurant?" "Well, that's a stupid rule." "Yeah." "Okay, yeah." "Fi" " I'll pick a restaurant." "Okay." "Bye." "Hey, Jake, do you know a romantic restaurant I can take a girl to dinner?" "How about Souplantation?" "Is it good?" "Are you kidding?" "All-you-can-eat salad, soup, pasta." "I am in." "Dude." "What?" "That's my sandwich." "It's delicious." "[WALDEN GRUNTS]" "So, what's your deal?" "Huh?" "What's your deal?" "I'm 17." "I don't think I have a deal yet." "Eh, come on, everybody's got a deal." "Your deal is you got no deal." "Cool." "I'm a man without a deal." "What are you, like, a high school senior?" "Well, I should be." "But they got this dumb rule that you have to pass every single course." "I think five out of seven is plenty, don't you?" "Heck, yeah." "In eighth grade, I flunked all my courses." "Really?" "Yeah." "My mom had me evaluated." "Turns out I was just bored because I was too smart for all the classes." "Huh." "Maybe that's my problem." "I'm too freaking smart." "Ow!" "I'm sorry." "I just think we need to establish some boundaries." "Hey." "Don't make hitting your deal." "[GASPING AND BLOWING]" "Hey, Dad." "Hang on." "[PANTING]" "Didn't you used to have a bicycle pump?" "Yeah." "I also used to have my own room." "Oh, what do you want, Jake?" "So you know how you're worried that because I get bad grades I'm not gonna get into college and find a job to support myself?" "That pretty much sums it up." "Yeah." "Well, it turns out I get bad grades because I'm too smart." "Too smart?" "Yeah." "I'm gonna forget college, drop out of high school and start my own business." "Hold on, hold on." "You're too smart?" "Yep." "Walden and me have that in common." "Walden and "l" have that in common." "No offense, Dad, but I don't think you're that smart." "So you're saying you wanna drop out of high school?" "Why not?" "Did you know that Walden made his first million before he was 19?" "How many zeros in a million, Jake?" "M-I-L-L-I-O-N." "One." "Okay." "Okay, Jake, listen carefully." "You are not dropping out of high school." "But" "No, you're not a genius." "You're not a prodigy." "Nice." "My own father doesn't think I'm special." "Oh, on the contrary your father thinks you're very special." "Of course, I'm the dummy sleeping on the floor." "[AIR HISSING]" "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "All right." "Come in." "Got a minute?" "Sure." "Hey, I'm getting dressed for my dinner with Bridget." "How do I look?" "Your face should be on gay money." "Listen." "You say something to my son about quitting high school..." "...and starting a business?" "Oh, yeah." "I told him that's what I did." "Hey, what do you think about a hat?" "The only reason to wear a hat on a date is if you're hiding a bald spot." "Oh." "For your next date." "Thank you." "So you really quit high school?" "No." "I skipped high school." "I quit MIT." "Ah." "Okay, see, there's the misunderstanding." "Jake has a hard time spelling MIT." "Well, then he really shouldn't quit school." "Hey, check it out." "My socks match my sneakers." "But your sneakers don't match each other." "Oh." "Ho, ho." "Bridget used to pick out all my outfits." "I can see why you miss her." "Well, thank you for clearing the Jake stuff up." "Yeah." "No problem." "And going forward kids like him are looking for role models." "So you have to be careful around them." "Sure." "Although, truth to tell, unless he sees you passed out in a pool of vomit with a tattooed prostitute you're gonna be an improvement in the role model department." "Hey, Alan?" "Yeah?" "You've got a lot of experience with women, right?" "A lot?" "I don't know." "You know, I've been around the block a few times." "Did a little dance, made a little love." "Got down tonight on several occasions." "Why do you ask?" "What can I do to convince Bridget to take me back?" "Oh." "Walden, Walden, Walden." "Come, sit." "Really?" "I gotta sit?" "A woman's heart is a deep and mysterious place." "Almost impossible to reach." "Much like the G-spot." "Although, at least we know the heart in fact exists." "Is that it?" "Can I stand up now?" "No, no." "Hang on." "Hang on." "When that heart closes itself to a man, and in my experience, it inevitably does the only way to reopen it is to allow time to pass." "That way, the woman can reflect on how much she misses her man." "And that's worked for you?" "Oh, yeah." "There are quite a few ladies out there currently reflecting on how much they miss Alan Harper." "Good luck." "Should've asked the kid." "Unbelievable." "You don't like it." "No, no, I blame myself." "I trusted you to make a simple dinner reservation." "Don't blame me, blame Jake." "Who's Jake?" "He's some kid without a deal." "Besides, does it matter where we eat as long as we're with each other?" "[KID BANGING ON BOWL]" "I gotta pee." "Okay, bon appétit." "I gotta pee." "Don't you move." "Hello." "Heh, heh, heh." "She's cute." "You know, it's not too late." "We could still have a kid." "We already do." "I'm looking at him." "Oh, come on." "That's not fair." "Ah!" "Hot soup." "Hot soup." "Ah." "Thank you." "Look, Walden  I agreed to have dinner with you because I care about you, but I just" "Are we gonna have sex later?" "Let me finish." "But, no." "WALDEN:" "Aw." "The thing is, even though I care about you, this marriage is over." "I don't wanna get a divorce." "Why do we gotta get a divorce?" "Because I have grown up." "You are still the same guy you were at 19." "No, not true." "I got a lot more money now." "Money isn't the point." "I got lawyers, accountants." "I got my own charitable foundation." "It's not about what you have, it's about who you are." "Oh." "Well, I'm pretty much the same guy." "What I want, what I need, is a partner in life." "A grown-up, mature, responsible adult." "What, you don't think that's me?" "No, I don't." "You don't think I can change?" "No." "What if I can?" "Can too." "You can't." "Just eat your dinner." "Ugh." "This blows." "I know, but it's something we're both just gonna have to accept." "How's your beach house?" "It's okay." "But I miss you." "I miss you too, sometimes." "Really?" "Walden, we were together for 15 years." "Those feelings don't just go away." "[GIGGLING]" "Hey, be cool." "So you really still have feelings for me?" "Of course, I do." "[LAUGHING]" "Hey, big girls don't throw food." "Trust me, I can change." "I really can." "Hey." "All right, that's it." "Eat lettuce." "Walden!" "What?" "She started it." "Oh!" "No pasta." "I call no pasta." "[GIRL LAUGHING]" "Oh, it is on." "And she got some pasta." "Here it comes." "Here it comes." "[DOORBELL RINGING]" "Berta, can you get the door?" "I'm off the clock, Zippy." "What clock?" "You're a live-in." "And I'm living." "[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]" "You know you took the wrong brother, right?" "What are you doing here?" "Why did you tell Jake he could quit school?" "I didn't." "Where did he get the idea?" "Walden." "He told him about how when he quit, he made millions of dollars." "Jake thinks he can do it." "Terrific." "I thought your brother was a horrible influence." "Don't speak ill of the dead." "But you're right, he was a terrible human being." "Hey, who's at the--?" "Whoops." "JUDITH:" "You come back here, young man!" "He's not coming back, is he?" "I wouldn't." "Hey." "Walden, I want a word with you." "Walden, you remember Judith." "Bye." "You're Alan's ex, right?" "Yes, and Jake's mother." "You and I need to" "I just had dinner with my ex." "Well, that's very nice." "Anyway" "She's not my ex yet, she's gonna be." "I'm sorry." "She hates me, but I'm still in love with her." "Well, I'm sure you'll find somebody else." "Since we were teenagers, she's been the only one." "You were high school sweethearts?" "Yeah." "That is so romantic." "And I blew it again tonight." "Hey, come on now, it'll be okay." "No, it'll never be okay." "She's my soul mate." "Oh, you poor, sweet man who smells like ranch dressing and fettuccine Alfredo." "Have you ever loved anyone like that?" "No." "Don't, because it hurts too much." "Oh, I wish there was something I could do." "Like what?" "Oh, yeah, I'm so quitting high school." "For the last time, Jake, you are not dropping out of high school." "What if I can convince Mom to let me?" "Heh, heh, heh." "Sure." "If your mother says it's okay, you can have my blessing." "Cool." "And while I'm at it, I'll buy you a car." "Oh, no, no, a space ship." "Car is fine." "Good night, Jake." "Good night, Dad." "[FARTING NOISE]" "That was the air mattress." "Okay." "[FARTING NOISE]" "That was me." "[JUDITH PANTING]" "Holy moly, what got into you tonight?" "You know, besides moi." "Shh." "Don't talk." "Okay." "[SIGHS]" "How would you feel about growing a beard?" "Wouldn't that scratch your face?" "Yeah." "[English" " US" " SDH]"