"# I'm not sick, but I'm not well" "# And I'm so hot" "# Cos I'm in hell. #" "MARK:" "JLB reunion." "I've moved on." "I'm serving nachos to arseholes." "God, she's huge." "It's like Alien... if the alien was a human." "Hmm, if I had to choose, would I rather an alien burst out of my chest quickly or was heaved out of my vagina slowly?" " All right, mate?" " Oh, hello, Jeff." "I smelled burrito, thought it must be you." "Yes, well, I've showered, actually, but corn oil is persistent, so..." "Congratulations on the baby." "Yeah, congratulations on my millstone." "And now you know it's a boy, right?" "Nice one." "Right, yeah." "What, you've seen the scan and it has no penis, just like his father?" "No, Mark, for real." "Sophie said." "Did she not tell you?" "Sophie?" "Aaah!" "Have I opened your Chrissie pressie early?" "Sophie, Jeff says the baby is a boy-by." "Is it a boy-by?" "I did call five times." "I left a message." "Did you not?" "Obviously not." "Probably shouldn't switch the phone off as soon as her name comes up." "Glad I could be the one to tell you." "You'll always remember this moment now, won't you?" "Me and you and Sophie... and the lad!" "He's never going to be a lad." "Boy to geek to drone, that's the Corrigan trajectory." "Well, wow!" "A little male person." "Almost makes it seem real, doesn't it?" " It is real." " Yes, of course, I know." "Totally doesn't feel real." "Maybe about 1% realer now." "I was hoping to see you tonight because I wanted to give you this." "Hate mail in person?" "It's an early birthday present." "Oh, that's very kind of you." "A month and a half early." "It's, it's... tokens." "Is it book tokens?" "It's vouchers... for driving lessons." "An intensive driving course, five hours a day, seven days, and then a test at the end." "Oh, right." "Wow." "Cos you've always said how you'd like to learn to drive, haven't you?" "Have I?" "Plus it will be really useful once the baby arrives." "Ah... right, of course." "That's really kind, Soph, thanks." "She's given herself a taxi driver for my not yet birthday." "I've been thinking about names." "Have you?" "Oh, Sophie, it's early doors yet." "We've a month and some weeks to go." "I could get to Argentina in a month." "Argentina and a face transplant?" "I was thinking Tarquin Oliver Nimrod." "I..." "like it." " Why did you laugh?" " I thought it was a joke." "You thought it was a joke but you like it?" "Tarquin Oliver Nimrod?" "Come on." "Give the little bugger a chance." "What would you call him?" "Mark?" "Mark Mark Corrigan the Third?" "No!" "Of course not." "Just something normal." " What's normal?" " I don't know, Bruce or something." "Bruce!" "?" " No, not Bruce." " You just said Bruce." "I didn't mean Bruce." "Just a name in that area." " Little Bruce?" " No, not Bruce, just a name like Bruce." "Not even that much like Bruce." "I suppose at least if I take the driving course, I'll earn some naming credits." "I don't want a child who sounds like a member of a decaying European dynasty." "Ughl I'm doing something I hate, for someone who doesn't like me, in order to drive around somebody who, as yet, doesn't even exist." "Great(l) I was hoping for a David Attenborough-type instructor." "He's more of your chain-wanking ringtone fanatic." " Um..." " What?" "Oh." "OK, if you like, I can open the window." "Right, what are you waiting for?" " Shall I just... go?" " That's the general idea." "(ENGINE STARTS)" "Oh!" "Fuck!" "My shoulder." "Careful." "Are you OK?" "It's dislocated, so it hurts when you drive like a dick." "What did you stall for?" "Because I can't drive." "That's why I'm having a driving lesson." "All right, fine, go again, easy on the clutch." "He hasn't even told me which pedal is which." "He's assuming an incredible degree of knowledge." "Bloody hell, you are terrible." "Look, I'm sorry, but I can't drive." "Maybe in your career as a driving instructor you may get one or two pupils from failed states like Eritrea where they have no licensing infrastructure but basically already know how to drive." "However, I feel like I should warn you that the vast majority are going to be people like me who can't drive." " All right, keep your wig on." " That's a retro put-down." "Or maybe he thinks I really do wear a wig." "(ENGINE STALLS)" "Do you teach automatic?" "That's it." "I resign." "I give up." "No more lessons." "The machines have won." "I shall take to the hills and live with the tree-folk people." "Wow!" "I know." "Wow!" "That was pretty good work." "We were really going at it." "I just wish that, without doing a porno, there was some way for us to make financial profit out of how good we are at doing it to each other." "It's amazing - this whole nightmare." "I love you and you love me and Gail loves me." "Shit, everyone loves me!" "And you love me." "I'm more in love with you than I've ever been." "That is so great." "And I'm more in love with Gail than I've ever been." "Mm-hm." "The only downer is, and I know you've explained why it won't, but it almost feels as if it might affect our relationship... you marrying someone else." "Do you think?" "I mean, it's going to be horrible for me seeing you two tie the civil partnership knot." "Right." "Because, obviously, you're actually not going to be there, so..." "No?" "Well, too weird, Jez." "Right." "Hmm, I guess it is a shame." "Cos with the whole Quebec thing, we're probably not going to see each other, like, hardly any more times." "Quebec?" "I did mention the whole Quebec thing?" "Er, no." "We're going to house at Gail's sister's place in Quebec for a few months." "I definitely mentioned that, didn't I?" "I think I would have remembered if you'd told me that you're leaving me to go to Quebec." "Well, if you say so." "But I think I did." "Look, we're doing a couple of pre-wedding parties for our London friends - a picnic and then the pub." "Why don't you tag along?" "What?" "Like one of the group?" "Like one of your fans?" "Forget the picnic." "Why don't I just subscribe to updates on your blog?" "Well, if you like." "I just thought it might be nice." "I was joking." "I'm definitely, definitely, definitely coming." "She can't leave me for Quebec." "I'll steal her passport." "Steal it, cook it, eat it." "This is the life - bit of Shaky, enormous plate of chips." "And when Sophie goes into labour we'll call a minicab." "What's the big deal?" "This is a much more productive way of spending four hours than breathing in my instructor's second-hand Superking smoke." "I could write a play in the time I'll save." "Yeah... what's my play gonna be about?" "A bloke, a genius, unrecognised in his own time." "Mark..." "Borrigan?" "And he loves, or maybe even hates, chips." "MARK:" "What a car crash of a picnic." "Gail and Elena's London friends." "Thin gruel." "They must be half hating themselves for having to invite me, and half despising me for turning up." "So everything's coming together for the wedding and the big trip." "It's exciting." "Yeah, it is exciting." "Yeah, I guess it was pretty exciting when they assassinated JFK, unless you happened to love JFK's brain." "Hey, you know what I fancy?" "A row on the lake." "Elena?" "Anyone fancy a row on the lake?" " Elena?" " Er, I don't know, Jeremy." "Come on, it'll be fun." " How was the interview?" " I'm sorry?" "The job interview that meant you couldn't come to the antenatal class." "Oh, er, right, yeah." "Good." "Pretty good." "Fingers crossed." "Not a total lie." "There was an interview." "I was interviewing myself for a job as a playwright, and by Jove, I think I got itl" "How was the class?" "Pretty gruesome?" "Good, actually." "In the end Jeff came down." "Jeff?" "Wha?" "Why?" "To perv at pictures of ladies breast-feeding?" "Because I asked him." "I felt weird going on my own." "Fine." "Let him get on with it." "I'll be fine with my high-fat foods, which will eventually kill me, and my play, which is obviously never going to happen." "We actually came up with a new name I really like." "Oh, yeah?" "What fresh hell?" "Spock?" "Mao?" "Vandross?" "Yeah, I'm pretty set on Geoffrey." "Jeff?" "As in Jeff, after Jeff?" "Oh, yeah." "I hadn't actually thought about that." "No, it'll be Geoffrey with a G, not a J, after my Uncle Geoff." "Oh, God, I've created a father vacuum and Jeff has rushed in to fill it like some toxic gas." "I want my baby backl" "I'd leave the naming to the baby-mama if I were you." "That's what I did." "You have... kids?" "The twins." "I'm always going on about me twins, aren't I?" "I don't think you've ever previously mentioned the twins." "Course I have." "The twins." "The fucking twins." "I'm always on about 'em." "I bloody love them two." " Here, I've got them on me phone." " (BEEPING)" "Hold on." "Have I?" "Oh, I'll never forgive Orange if they've wiped the twins." "Oh, that is... that is shitty!" "Where are the bloody twins?" "Great kids." "A bit lazy." "A bit on the lazy side." "Very rarely pick up the phone to their old man." " How old are they?" " How old?" "Oh..." "Seven or eight." "What's fünf in English?" " Five." " They turned fünf zwei years ago." "So... what?" "A pair of eighters, I reckon." "I bloody love them two." "Oh, God, is that going to be me?" "Am I going to be Hans?" "Super Mark, the crack-smoking, Mexican-restaurant waiter with a shirt and bow tie, but no trousers or pants?" "Come on, get in." "We can go for a row." "We can have secret rowing-boat sex." "I don't know, Jez." "This is too weird." "You're being really intense." "Oh, come on, please." "This could be the last time we're alone together... ever." "I can't believe you're just getting married and going." " I know." "It's weird, isn't it?" " Yes." "Weird." "That's exactly the word I was looking for." "It's so weird." "Weird, like, "Come over here and drop your nuts into this deep-fat fryer."" ""Oh, OK." "Ooh, that's a bit weird." "What a weird sensation." "How weird."" "I'm losing my fucking mind here." "I'm sorry, Jez." "I didn't expect it, but it turns out that getting married is really romantic." "Room for one more?" "Er, no." "Not really." "No." "You know what?" "Why don't you two go without me?" "Because I'm not sure I fancy it." "OK." "I love messing about on boats." "Um, actually, you know what?" "There is room, room for all of us, in the bow, or the stern, or the quarterdeck." "Chocks away!" "That's planes, you utter, utter, terrible, stupid dick." "Look, Soph, I just wanted to tell you that I was going to step up with the baby." "I'm going to do the right thing." "Great." "That's great." "The truth is, I'm scared about the baby." "I'm fucking terrified." "I can't sleep and I've got mouth ulcers and that weird stress thing I get with my elbows." "And my bowels..." "Well, you know how, normally, I'm like clockwork?" " Uh-huh." " Well, right now, I'm all over the shop." "But the headline is that I'm doing this," "I'm driving you in and I'm wheeling you out." "That's great, Mark." "Cos the driving, I know it seems like a little thing, but to me, it feels big, you know?" "Cos I don't want to go in with my dad or Jeff or someone." "So do you reckon you'll pass this afternoon?" "Oh, yeah." "Only took one lesson and had to pay to get the clutch repaired." "I mean, nothing's guaranteed." "Not in this world." "Well, it's like a 97% pass rate if you did all the lessons." "Of course I did all the lessons." "What else would I have been doing?" "Watching the frankly overrated The Wire on DVD day after day?" "Right, gotta try." "There's always the slim chance the examiner will pass me because he's gay and inexplicably finds me super hot." "It's great to spend some proper time with you, Jeremy." "When I first met you, I thought you were a bit of a loser." "Oh, really?" "Now I think you're, you know, all right." "Well, that's great." "You probably don't know this, but Elena and I have had our ups and downs." "It's amazing to think we're going to spend the rest of our lives together." "What can I do?" "Make a pass at her?" "She won't be interested, but it might put a spanner in the works in some way no-one can predict." "I'm not much of a sailor." "I can't actually swim." "Really?" "God, it'd be so great if she just fell in the water, a few big bubbles, and then a few smaller ones, and then pfffff... problem gone." " She definitely said she can't swim." "...our relationship." "I definitely couldn't push her in." "It'd be so much easier if she wasn't a human being with hopes and dreams and clinging, grasping arms." "Is it cool to swap over again?" "Yeah, OK." "Ooh, a bit wobbly." "Wobbly!" "Oh, shit!" "Oh, shit!" "Oh, shit!" "Oh, no, this is terriblel I thought she said she couldn't swim." "OK, here we go." "What's my plan here?" "Touch him up?" "Let him touch me up?" "Would either of us enjoy touching the other one up at all?" "No, gotta be something else." "Some point of contact." "He's a Spurs fan." "A Spurrer?" "Could go a bit spurry?" "Spur things up?" "Ooh, my knees are killing me." "They don't give you much room for manoeuvre, those seats down at the White Hart ground, do they?" "Pretty sure that's right." "Right, if you'd like to start the vehicle and drive off, and we'll join the traffic to our left." "Er..." "OK, here's the thing." "I can't actually drive." "However, for personal reasons, I really, really need to get a driving licence, so I was just wondering whether there was any chance at all that you could pass me without taking the test, and then I promise that I'll take the lessons very soon" "and become a competent driver." "I totally promise." "And maybe he'll grant me a Nobel prize if I promise to nail cold fusion." "Tomorrow's the big day." "Gail gets to marry me and my wheat intolerance." "Of course she has a wheat intolerance - she's far too important to be able to tolerate wheat." "And finally, I'd like to give a big shout out to the hero of the hour, the life-saver," "Mr Jeremy Usbourne." " Are you all right?" " Yeah, fine." "Good." "Listen, Jez, we'd really love it if you could come down to the wedding." "We've shuffled it around." "Sophie's going next door to us." "There's a spare cottage if you fancy it..." "my saviour." "Stop going on about itl Oh, well, er, cheers." "What?" "You seem to be acting with almost genuine modesty and humility." "I tried to kill her, Mark." " I think I tried to bloody drown her." " What?" "But you rescued her." "Why would you rescue her if you wanted to kill her?" "I was thinking, "I want her to fall in,"" " and she did fall in." " So?" "I wanted interest rates to fall to historic lows and they did." "That doesn't make me the Governor of the Bank of England." "Who knows what I'm capable of?" "I could kill anyone in this room with a pencil." "You really couldn't." " God..." "I'm evil!" " No, Jez." "The absolute worst thing anyone could say about you is that you were a selfish moral blank whose lazy cynicism and sneering, ironic take on the world encapsulates everything wrong with a generation." "But you, my friend, are not evil." "Thanks, man." "Shit." "Hey, there." "Hi, Mark, how'd the driving test go?" "Oh, well..." "He didn't report me for attempted bribery, so pretty well." "Don't worry, mate, you can always take Soph to the hospital on your bike." "Give her a seatie." "Get off my patch, Jeff." "Take your flag out of my baby." "No, it is tough." "I mean, I didn't pass till..." "Actually, come to think of it, I passed first time." "Just try to remember not to get into double figures." "Well, no need, actually, because I passed." " Oh, wow!" " Yes, with flying colours." "It was quite funny, actually, because he said, "You passed with flying colours."" "And I was like, "What does that phrase even mean?"" "And he laughed and said, "Well, with a test score like that," ""I would have thought you should know," and then we both laughed." "Better put a stop to this imaginary interchange soon." "Yeah, it was great." "Oh, well done, Mark." "Congratulations." "Thanks, I'm really pleased." "Month to retake my test." "Can't be that hard." "Mum drives, the Hamster drives, Jez drives." "Gail said you're coming down to Hampshire for the wedding." "See you there." "Yeah." "Listen, Soph, can I have a quick word?" "Sure." "Let's drive over here." "BOTH:" "Brrrrrrrrrr!" "She is a bit adorable, bit annoying." " (THEY IMITATE BRAKES)" " Right on the cusp." "So, on the name thing, Soph," "I'd be basically happy for the baby to be called anything you like." "But..." "Geoff?" "Yeah, I hadn't thought about the Geoff/Jeff thing." "Might be a bit weird." "You're doing your bit with the driving, maybe I can do mine." "Great, Soph." "Great." "Screw you, dick-wadl He's my baby." "Get your own baby off the internet, or by impregnating a woman with your penis, just like I didi" "Gail and Elena's big day." "It's meant to be 30 degrees today." "I'm going to boil in that morning suit." "Oh, it's great being a wedding guest(l)" "You get to be an unpaid extra in the climactic scene of someone else's romcom." "Jeremy, what are you doing?" "It's six in the bloody morning." "I'm thinking about Elena and watching Jaws." "Oh, God!" "Have you even been to bed?" "Don't you think you've had enough to drink?" "Um, that's a thoughtful question." "Er... no." "As it happens, I don't think I've had enough to drink." "I'm going to carry on drinking until they catch Jaws the shark." "The shark isn't called Jaws, Jeremy, the film is called Jaws." "Of course the shark's called Jaws." ""Here comes Jaws." "Jaws the shark." ""Mind he doesn't bite you with his enormous jaws."" "Anyway, thank you very much - your phone woke me up." "You know what I get like if I don't get my full 8¾ hours." "Oh, my life, it's a text from Elena!" ""Thinking of you." She's thinking of me, Mark." "Or at least she was six hours ago." "With three kisses." "Oh, my God, this is massive!" "I'm going over there." "Don't be ridiculous." "If text kisses were real kisses, the world would be an orgy." "No, it's the day of her wedding." "What are you going to do?" "I don't know." "Who knows what I'm capable of?" "I mean, I proved that on the lake." "The untalented Mr Ripley." " Where's the car keys?" " You're way over the limit." " Give me the car keys, Mark." " No." "All right, let's get you driving." "I'm teaching." "I hate to be negative, but you drunk off your noggin, me in my pyjamas - it doesn't feel like the ideal time for me to restart my driving career." "Hello, I need your best driver and your fastest car." "No, two hours is no good." "I need someone immediately." "OK, well, how about you get off your great fat anus and come and drive me yourself, you self-important hick?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "I retract that last comment." " Hello?" " (MOBILE RINGS)" " Hello?" " SOPHIE:" "Hi, Mark?" " Sophie?" " Look, I'm sorry to call like this, but I think I might be going into labour." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God, it's early." "You're never early!" "You're always late - always." " For everything!" " It's all right, Mark." " Relax." " Oh, God!" "Oh, shit!" "Oh, God!" "I'm with Elena and Gail, but their car won't start and we can't get a taxi." "Right." "No, shit." "Gail's gone to find a mechanic, but I need to get to the hospital right away." " So would you mind?" " Isn't there anyone else you could ask?" "Mark, I need to get to the hospital, nowl" "Um..." "Sophie's at Elena's cottage." "She's having the bloody baby!" "Well, let's go." "Let's do it, man." "Here come the cavalry." "I'm coming over, Soph." "I am coming over." "This is perfect." "Gail's out, I'm in." "Try and focus." "I'm going to need a lot, and I mean a hell of a lot, of help." "You'll be fine, Mark." "Just drive." "(ENGINE STARTS)" "Except not like a dick." ""Not like a dick"?" "That's your driving instruction?" "Please, Jeremy, I need you to guide, to advise." "I don't even know about road signs." " What does that one mean?" " I don't know." "Nobody knows." "It doesn't matter." "It's lost knowledge, like..." "how the aliens did the pyramids." "Slaves did the pyramids, Jeremy." "Thousands and thousands of slaves." "God, you're depressing." " Don't blame me - blame Ramses II." " Shit!" " (CAR HORN BLARES)" " Oh, fuck off!" "It's not his fault he's a dick." "He's doing his fucking best, isn't he?" "Screw you!" "Right, step on it." "This could be my last ever sex window." "Great(l) I'm the fifth emergency service." "The sex ambulance." "There, you see?" "You can do it." "Very, very slowly, 30 to 40 stalls, one major steering error, a bit of me on clutch at the crossroads when the man beeped, but you can do it." "Right, I'm just going to nip in there, persuade her not to get married, convince her that I'm the guy for her, quick bit of how's-your-father, not murder anyone, back in five, off to the hospital." " Cushty." " No, Jez!" "Absolutely not!" "No, stay." "You've got to help me." "(HOOTING)" "All right, Soph?" "Have a good one." "Hi." "Oh, Godl" "Oh, God, oh, God, oh, Godl" " How are you doing, Soph?" " I think I'm having a baby." "OK, let's go." "Er, yeah, right." "OK." "But should we just quickly wait for Jez?" "I'm about to have a baby." "We need to go!" "Yeah, but Jez will be really, really pissed off if he misses it." "He's excited." "I don't even want Jeremy to be there, Mark." "Let's go." "Right." "Yeah?" "Really?" "Hmm, kill my unborn child in a road traffic accident to save face?" " Doesn't feel great." " Oh, here comes another one." "(GROANING)" "OK, got to tell her, got to come clean, take the humiliation." " OK, OK, go, go." "Go, go, go!" " What?" "Gail, she's coming back, down the road." "We need to get out of here." "Go, go, go." " Pedal to the metal." " No need to shout." "You've fucking stalled!" "Shouting will not make me a better driver, Jeremy." "Fucking go!" "If Gail sees me here, everything's finished." "Just go!" " They're having an affair." " Oh, right." " It's complicated." " Go, go, fucking go!" "(ENGINE STALLS)" "There, you see, I've stalled again." "And do you know why?" "It's because I'm nervous." "And I'm nervous because you're shouting at me." "OK." "And relax." "And engage fucking reverse gear and gol" "I'm not going." "Why is it not going?" "Why isn't it going?" "You've got the hand brake on, you cock!" "Are you OK, Mark?" "Normally, I wouldn't make such a basic error, but as you can see, this is quite a stressful situation." "Move it, you arsehole!" "Shit, I can't find the biting point." "Where's the biting point?" "Why are you indicating?" "Don't indicate, fucking go!" "I need to alert other road users to my intentions." "That's it." "Come on!" "OK." "Mirror, signal, manoeuvre." "Mirror, signal..." " Come on, get out." "You can't drive." " Of course I can drive." "Out!" "No wonder you failed your test, you div." "No, look, no!" "Jeremy, wait!" "You're drunk!" "Wait!" "If anyone should crash and kill my child, it should be me." " Come on, Soph." " Jeremy, it's Gail." " Oh, fuck!" " SOPHIE:" "Argh!" "Oh, shitl Probably have to re-tell this moment in crown court, and I've already forgotten exactly what happened." " Oh, my God!" " What happened?" " I did it again, Mark." "I did it again." " What?" "You didn't pass?" "You were going to drive me and you can't drive?" "!" "I tried to kill her." "I went for her." "I can't believe you, Mark." "I can't!" "What are you all doing here?" "I'm having an affair." "We're having an affair." "We've been doing it behind your back and now it's all come out because I keep on trying to kill you." "Oh, Jesus!" "Thank you very much, Jeremy(!" ")" "Er, I really need to get to the hospital, Elena." "I'm sorry, but we really need to talk." "It's a biggie for me, Soph." "It's kind of urgent." " For fuck's sake!" " Soph, you can't drive yourself!" "Yeah, well, I think I'll be safer than with the pissed murderer or the unlicensed liar." "Jeremy, we can't leave her." "She's not safe." "We've got to go with her." "So..." "OK, Soph, here we are going to the hospital with you." "I'm right behind you, so if you need directions or tissues or anything, don't hesitate to let me know." "Yeah, tissues and directions, good." "Don't have any tissues, don't know where we're going, so..." "got those covered." "(SOPHIE GROANING)" "# Paranoia, paranoia" "# Everybody's coming to get me" "# Just say you never met me" "# I'm running underground with the moles" "# Digging holes. #"