"This is Zero One Alpha." "We have secured the Falcon." "I say again, we have secured the Falcon." "I will count from one to ten." "Within that you'll tell me what I wanna know." "Otherwise the number ten is the last thing you'll hear." "One, two, three ... four, five, six, seven, eight ..." "Grenade." "Get Back." "Shit." "Fucking missed it" "How did I fucking miss it..." "Merlin, I apologise for putting you in this position." "You trained him well." "James, your training is over." "Welcome to Kingsman, Lancelot." "Sir" "I'll deal with this mess." "Personally." "I very much regret that your husband's bravery can't be publicly celebrated." "I hope you understand that." " How can I understand, if you won't tell me anything?" "I didn't even know he was away with his squad." "I'm afraid I can't say more." "I would like to present you with this medal of valor." "If you look closely on the back, there's a number." "And as a more concrete gesture of our gratitude, we'd like to offer you a..." "Let's call it a favor." "The nature of it is your choice." "Just tell the operator:"Oxford's, not Brogue's"." "And then I'll know it's you." "I do not want your help." "I want my husband back." "What's your name, young man?" " Eggsy." "Hello, Eggsy." "Can I see that?" "You take care of this, Eggsy." "Alright?" "And take care of your mother too." "So sorry, Professor Arnold." "Just a tiny bit more." "Oh for god's sakes, just take it off." "I am under very strict instructions not to hurt you." "Look, you've made a mistake." "I am university lecturer." "I've got no money." "This isn't about money." "Our boss just wants to just talk to you." "Am I meant to find that reassuring?" "He'll be here soon." "He'll explain." "Do you like whiskey?" "Red, get a '62 Dalmore." "Honestly, this whiskey is amazing." "You will shit." "I suppose asking to borrow a cup of sugar is a step too far." "Professor Arnold, I'm here to take you home." "1962 Dalmore ." "It would be a sin to spill any." "Don't you think?" "Can you hold these, please?" "Thank you." "Everything is clean." "My kind welcome." "No stomach for violence." "I mean, literally." "I see one drop of blood, it's me done." "I am like ...projectile." "Listen, I'm so sorry you had to witness all this unpleasentness." "due to our uninvited guest." "But I promise you:" "By the time I find out who he works for ... you and I will be the best of friends." "To the shop, please." "Arthur is in the dining room, sir." " Arthur." " Galahad." "The others were beginning to wonder if we were going to have a double toast." "Gentlemen, I am thankful to say that it's been 17 years ... since we last had occasion to use this decanter." "Lancelot was an outstanding agent and a true Kingsman." "He will be sorely missed." "To Lancelot." "I intend to start the selection process for Lancelot's replacement tomorrow." "I want each of you to propose a candidate and have them report to UK HQ" "No later than 9 p.m. GMT." "Thank you." "Merlin." "Come in." "Lancelot was investigating a group of mercenaries who were experimenting with biological weaponry." "Glasses, gentlemen." "Please." "Uganda, 2012." "Synthetic Cathinone." "You put it in the water supply of a guerrilla army base." "Rage, cannibalism." "Multiple fatalities." "Chechnya 2013." "Insurgents turned on one another." "Indisputable, the work of our mercenaries but no trace of any chemicals of any kind." "So what happened to Lancelot?" " He tracked them to this property in Argentina." "And while he had them under surveillance, he became aware that they had effected a kidnapping." "So he executed a solo rescue mission...which failed." "This is his last transmission:" "KIDNAP VICTIM IS PROFESSOR JAMES ARNOLD" "Who is he?" " Some climate change doomsayer." "Expounded something called Gaia theory about the world healing itself or some such." "But what's curious, is he's not actually missing." "This is Professor Arnold." "At Imperial College, this morning." "It's all yours." "And don't forget your membership proposal." "Try picking a more suitable candidate this time." "17 years and still evolving with the times remains an entirely foreign concept to you." "You don't remind that I wouldn't be here if it weren't for that young man." "He was as much Kingsman material as any of them." "More so." "But he wasn't exactly one of us, was he?" "Let's face it, Galahad." "Your little experiment failed." "With respect, Arthur, you're a snob." "With respect?" " The world is changing." "There's a reason why aristocrats developed weak chins." "Eggsy?" "Eggsy, come here." "Got any whistler paper?" " No." " Why don't you do your mamma a favor;" "go down to the store and get some." "Get 'em yourself." " Oy, What'd I say to you about speaking to Dean like that?" "Feels like a crowd in here Why don't Dean's poodle go?" "I'll say you what?" "Why don't you take this and get the stuff and get yourself some sweets?" "And while you're gone, we'll show your mother if we can be a good family." "Thanks babe." "Here we go." "Is it better?" "If she thinks her mum's so bad, why doesn't she leave him?" " Low self-esteem." "That's her problem." "Fuck off, why would she have low self-esteem?" "Note his mum's a wolfie." "No offense pal." " It's alright." "One of this days I'm gonna smash his face in." " Are you mental, cuz?" "He'll just get that lot to do you and then pretend he knew nothing...about it." "Oy, you think you can chat shit about us and we'll do nothing just because our guy's bangin' Eggsy's mum?" "Pretty much, yeah." " Leave it, let's just go, man." "It's not worth it." "You boys have overstayed your welcome." "Leave." "Sorry about that bruh." "Yeah...muck." "They are not fucking worth it, cuz." "It's freezing." "Why are we walking?" "You jacked his fucking car keys, bruh?" " Yeah, now we're gonna nick his car." "Hold on boys." "That's my fucking car." "I swear, you're in fucking trouble." "Floor it, Eggsy." "Hey yeah Dean, look it's me." "Eggsy just stole my fucking car." "I've come out of the pub; he's done 15 about donuts on my fucking face and then he's drove off." "He's disrespecting me and so he's disrespecting you." "Damn it." "Foxes are vermin, cuz." "You should've driven it over." "I should've done a lot of things." "I'll sort this, get out of the car." "Get out of the fucking car." "Eggsy, there is no such thing as honor among thieves." "Now you can start giving me some names of the boys you were with..." "Or you go down." "It's upto you." "I want to exercise my right to a phone call." "Well, I hope it's to your mom... to tell her that you're going to be 18 months late for dinner." "Customer complaints." "How may I help you?" "My name's Eggsy Unwin." "Sorry, Gary Unwin." "And I'm up shit creek;" "I'm in an urban police station and my mom said to call this number if ever I needed help..." "I'm sorry, sir." "Wrong number." "Wait, wait" "Oxford's not Brogue's?" "Your complaint has been duly noted, and we hope that we've not lost you as a loyal customer." "What?" "Yes, I totally understand." "Would you like a lift home?" " Who are you?" "The man who got you released." " That ain't an answer." "A little gratitude would be nice." "My name is Harry Hart." "And I gave you that medal." "Your father saved my life." "So before you was a tailor, was you in the army?" "Like an officer?" "Not quite." " So where was you posted, Iraq or something?" "Sorry, Eggsy." "Classified." "But my dad saved your life, yeah?" "The day your father died, I missed something." "And if it weren't for his courage, my mistake would have cost the lives of every man present." "So I owe him." "Your father was a brave man." "A good man." "And having read your files, I'd think he'd be bitterly disappointed in the choices you've made." "You can't talk to me like that." " Huge IQ, great performance in primary school." "And it all went tits up." "Drugs, petty crime, never had a job." " Do you think there's a lot of jobs going around?" "Doesn't explain why you gave up your hobbies." "First prize, regional under tens' gymnastics" "Two years in a row." "Your coach had had you pegged as Olympic team material." "Yeah and when you grow up around someone like my stepdad, you pick up new hobbies pretty quick." "Always someone else's fault." "And who's to blame you for quitting the Marines?" "You were halfway through training, doing brilliantly, but you gave up." "Because my mum went mental." "Banging on about losing me as well as dad." "Then we wouldn't be cannon fodder for snobs like you, judging people like me from your ivory towers." "With no thought about why we do what we do." "We ain't got much choice, you get me?" "And if we was born with the same silver spoon up our arses... we would do just as well as you, if not better." "What the fuck you doing here?" "You taking a piss?" "Some more examples of young men who simply need a silver suppository?" "No, they are exceptions." "Come on." " Nonsense, we haven't finished our drinks." "After you nicked his car, Dean says you're a fair guy I don't give a shit what your mum says." "Listen, boys." "I have had a rather emotional day, so whatever your beef with Eggsy is and I'm sure its well founded..." "I would appreciate it enormously if you could just leave us in peace ... until I finish this lovely pint of Guinness." "You should get out of the way, Granddaddy." "or you'll get hurt alot." "He ain't joking, you should go." "Excuse me." "If you're looking for another rent boy, they're on the corner of Smith's Street." "Manners... maketh... the man." "Do you know what that means?" "Then let me teach you a lesson." "Are we going to stand around here all day, or are we going to fight?" "Amnesia" "Sorry about that." "Needed to let off a little steam." "Yesterday a friend of mine died." "He knew your father too, actually." "I do apologise, Eggsy." "I should not have done this in front of you." "No." "I won't say nothing, I swear." "If there is one thing I can do, it's keep my mouth shut." "You won't tell a soul?" " On our lives, I've never crossed anyone out." "Is that a promise?" " On my life." "Much appreciated, Eggsy." "You're right about the snobs." "But there too, there are exceptions." "Best of luck with everything." "In celebrity news, The Richmond Valentine movie premiered in Hollywood, last night." "The story of the Internet billionaire's rise to power is expected to be this award season's hot ticket." "One notable absence from the red carpet is Iggy Azalea, still missing three days after..." "Eggsy, just go." "He's gonna..." "Don't hurt him." " Fuck off!" "Shut the fuck up." "Who was with you in that fucking pub?" "I want to know the name of the man you were with." " I was not with anyone." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Come on." " I don't know what you're fucking on about." "I want to know who you was with in that pub." "I want to know his fucking name." "I don't know what you're fucking on about." "Fuck off." "I could kill you right now and I would in the old world, you know it." "But I wouldn't." "I have enough evidence on your activities to have you locked up for the rest of your life." "Mister Dean Anthony Baker." "So I suggest you leave the boy alone." "Or I shall be forced to deliver it to the appropriate authorities." "Eggsy, meet me at the tailor's I told you about." "What the fuck's going on here?" "Let's see how you fucking make it." "Here's Eggsy." "Come here." "You wanker!" "I'll have you soon." "I've never met a tailor before." "But I know you ain't one." "Come on." "Come with me." "What do you see?" "Someone who wants to know what the fuck is going on." "I see a young man with potential." "A young man who is loyal." "Who can do as he is asked, and who wants to do something good with his life." "Did you see the film "Trading Places"?" "How about "Nikita"? "Pretty Woman"?" "My point is, the lack of a silver spoon has set you on a certain path, but you needn't stay on it." "If you're prepare to adapt and learn, you can transform." "Oh, like in "My Fair Lady"?" "You're full of surprises." "Yes, like "My Fair Lady"." "Only in this case, I am offering you the opportunity to become a Kingsman." "A tailor?" " A Kingsman agent." "Like a spy?" " Of sorts." "Interested?" " You think I've got anything to lose?" "Since 1849, Kingsman Tailors have clothed the world's most powerful individuals." "In 1919, a great number of them had lost their heirs to World War 1." "That meant a lot of money going uninherited." "And a lot of powerful men with a desire to preserve peace and protect life." "Our founders realized that they could channel that wealth and influence for a greater good." "And so began our adventure." "An independent international intelligence agency operating at the highest level of discretion." "Without the politics and bureaucracy... that undermine the integrity of government run spy organizations." "A suit is the modern gentleman's armor." "And the Kingsman agents are the new knights." "How deep does this fucking thing go?" " Deep enough." "Shit." "We're late." "Your father had the same look on his face." "As did I." "Come on." "Galahad." " My code name." "Late again, sir." " Good Luck." "In you go." "Fall in." "Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Merlin." "You are about to embark on what is probably the most dangerous job interview in the world." "One of you and only one of you will become the next Lancelot." "Can anybody tell me what this is?" "A body bag, sir." " Correct." "Charlie, isn't it?" " Yes, sir." "In a moment, you will each collect a body bag." "You will write your name on that bag." "You will write the details of your next of kin." "On that bag." "This represents your acknowledgement of the risks that you are about to face... as well as your agreement to strict confidentiality, which incidentally if you break... will result in you and your next of kin being in that bag." "Is that understood?" "Excellent." "Fall out." "Roxanne." "But call me Roxy." "I am Eggsy." " Eggy?" "Eggy...and where did they dig you up?" " You know we are not allowed to discuss who proposed us." "Then we need to bit his head off." " Charlie's only making conversation, right Charlie?" "." "I'm Digby." "Eggy, this is Rufus." "Rufus, Eggy." "So Eggy, are you Oxford or Cambridge?" " Neither." "St. Andrews?" "Durham?" " Oh wait, I think we may have met." "Did you serve me at the McDonalds in Winchester Service Station?" " No." "But I heard that they give you an extra helping of secret sauce." "It must be St. Andrews." "Just ignore them." " Do you need a pen?" "Thanks." " Amelia, isn't it?" "Don't take any notice of those guys." " That's what I told him." "It's just scare tactics." "Classic army technique." "No one's gonna die." "Shame." "Great, so you don't know, the CIA don't know." "Nobody knows who this guy is?" "Fine." "Seriously, it's fine." "Well, it's not really fine but it's not why I'm here." "Hell man, you know me?" "Money's not my issue." "I could have retired straight out of MIT, fucked off to some island and let the business run itself." "Nobody told me to try and save the planet." "I wanted to." "Climate change research, lobbying, years of studying, billions of dollars." "And you know why quit?" "Because the last time I checked, the planet was still fucked." "Hence, my epiphany." "Money won't solve this." "Those idiots who call themselves politicians, they bury their heads in the sand ... and stood for nothing but re-election." "So I spent the last two years trying to find a real solution." "And I found it." "Now, If you really want to make the world a better place..." "I suggest you open your fucking ears because I'm about to tell it to you." "Go on, Mr. Valentine." "I'm still listening." "As long as you agree to all my terms." "Do not panic." "Listen to me." "Stay calm." "Toilet snorkels." " Toilet snorkels?" "Showerheads." " Showerheads?" "She's right." "Go." "Fucking go." "And what about pulling the fucking door?" "Congratulations on completing your first task." "Charlie, Roxy, well done." "For those who 're still confused" "If you get a breathing tube run the U-bend of a toilet, you have an unlimited air supply." "Simple physics." "Worth remembering." "Eggsy, well done for spotting that was a two-way mirror." "I've seen enough of 'em." " Yeah you can all wipe those smirks off your faces." "Because as far as I am concerned, every single one of you has failed." "You all forgot the most important thing:" "Teamwork." "So much for classic army technique." "35, 105." "That's it." "Can I help you?" " Yes, I have a question about anthropogenic force." "Really?" "Well, it's actually quite fascinating." "My colleague died trying to rescue you." "And I'm sure you saw how well-trained he was." "So I suggest you tell me who kidnapped you and why they let you go." "I have no idea what you're talking about ..." "I can not say, it was ..." "Oh for god's sake, I barely touched you." "How man are..." "Fuck that guy, whoever he is, I'm gonna..." "He made me kill Professor Arnold." "Goddamn loved Professor Arnold." "Well the good news is we know the emergency and surveillance systems work." "You know what is not good news?" ""My colleague died." That's what he said." "This is an organization and they are all over us." "Whoever you spoke to..." "I stold you, I am in contact with the KGB, MI6, Mossad and Beijing." "They all insist he wasn't one of theirs." " Beijing." "So freaky how there's no recognizable name for the Chinese Secret Service." "Now that's what you call a secret, right?" "You know what?" "Fuck it." "We need to speed things up." "Bring the product release forward." "They are only halfway into production." "Speeding it will cost a fortune." "Do I look like I give a fuck?" "Just get it done.." "As some of you will have learned last night:" "Teamwork is paramount here at Kingsman." "We are here to enhance your skills, test you to limits." "Which is why you're gonna pick a puppy." "Wherever you go, your dog goes." "You will care for it, you will teach it." "And by the time they are fully trained, so will you be." "Those of you who are still here, that is." "Do you understand?" "Choose your puppy." "A poodle?" " What?" "They are gun dogs." "Oldest working breed." "Easy to train." "A pug?" "This is still a bulldog, isn't it?" "It would get bigger though, wouldn't it?" "His MRI shows no signs of concussion." "No direct brain trauma at all." "How much longer can he be out?" " That's the million-dollar question." "We don't know what he was exposed to in there." " What about Harry's footage?" "It didn't stream to his home terminal?" " Encrypted and uncrackable." "If and when he comes round, you might wanna have a word with him about sharing his password." "Is he gonna be alright?" "We need to have patience, Eggsy." "But there is hope." "If I were you, I'd concentrate on your training." "Make it through the test, make him proud." "Come on, J. B. Come on." "I am not gonna be last cause of you." "J. B, I'll shoot you, goddamn." "I'll fucking shoot you." "Merlin said we're not allowed to hold you." "Bollocks." "Water." "Come on then." "Eggsy, you forget it." " Oh what's wrong mate, can't take a joke?" "Seriously, you'll get turned out and it's just not worth it." "Maybe I don't give a fuck about getting kicked out." " Really?" "Come on, you player." "Charlie, fuck off." "Yeah, go on, walk away." "Dickhead." "Come on, J. B. It's all right." "You have exactly one hour to complete the test." "Starting now." "New target. 800 meters." " It's unbelievable." "You're still here." "Lingering on like some big steaming shit that just won't flush." "Roger that." "Target identified." "And how about you shut the fuck up." "Positive discrimination." "It's worth it." "Like those fucking steak cooks who go down seaways because their mum's a one-legged lesbian." "You don't know fuck-all about my grades." "Oh forgive me." "I'm sure you're highly educated." "Fire when ready." "How's that for positive discrimination?" "I wanna thank you both for listening." "And I really, really appreciate your travelling all this way, Your Royal Highness." "And you too, Prime Minister." " I think this is quite brilliant." "It is absolutely brilliant." "You are completely crazy." "I'm sorry, Your Royal Highness ... but you got a big role to play... in getting the Scandinavian region back on track." "You're popular, inspirational and you have the power to galvanize the people." "Now whether you're on board or not..." "I am going to have to insist on getting you somewhere I can ensure your safety." "How about you, Prime Minister?" "You in or out?" "Well, I think it's about time that a politician did something that... actually made a difference." " Too true." "Take her away." "Drink?" " Why not?" "Wait, help me." "Do not worry." "No harm will come to the princess." "Well I'm Republican anyway, so it really doesn't matter." "Release the princess." "Okay, you're done." "Not too bad, right?" "I hardly felt a thing." " Welcome aboard." "The pleasure is all mine." "Ever heard of knocking?" " Only when I'm casing a place to rob." "Amelia said you wanted to see me." "Hope J. B.'s training is going as well as yours is." "Sit." "Congratulations on making it to the final six candidates." "Your test results are even better than I could've hoped." "Come in." "Eggsy, I need to have a private conversation." "You're dismissed." "Nonsens, let him observe." "He'd learn a thing or two." "As you wish." "Take a look at this." "Fucking hell." "That's his end." "You belew up his head?" "Its a bit much, isn't it?" "Actually, the explosion was caused by an implant in his neck." "Here." "Under that scar." " Did my hardware pick up the signal that triggered it?" "Fortunately, yes." "Unfortunately, the IP address it traced it to is registered to the Valentine Corporation." "It's not much of a lead." "They have millions of employees worldwide." "No, Richmond Valentine is a genius." "Did you not see his announcement today?" "No." "We each spend on average $2,000 a year on cellphone and internet usage." "It gives me great pleasure to announce, those days are over." "As of tomorrow, every man, woman and child can claim a free SIM card... compatible with any cellphone, any computer and ... utilize my communications network for free." "Free calls." "Free internet." "For everyone." "Forever." "Valentine's assistant has the same implant scar." "I think Mr. Valentine and I shall have a tête-à-tête." "He's having a gala dinner next week." "I'll get you an invitation." "You need to be careful though." "Since you were out, hundreds of VIPs have gone missing." "No ransom notes, exactly like Professor Arnold." "Then I suggest you make my alias somebody worth kidnapping." "You're afraid of heights?" " Yes, but I've done it before." "Probably alright if I don't think of it." "Hey, you'll be alright, You're top of the class." "Listen up, the mission is to land in the target without the radar detecting you." "If I read you on the radar or you miss the target, you go home." "Is that understood?" "Drop zone coming up. 20 seconds." "Here we go." "I really don't think I can do this." " Of course you can't." "Get to the back and I'll show you how." "Eggsy, wait." "Hang on." "Roxy, just stop fucking about." "Follow me, yeah?" "Roxy, it's now or never." "Jump." "Good girl, Rox." "I'm glad you made it." "My my, you're all very cheerful." "You really think it was gonna be that straightforward?" "Any idiot can read a heads-up display." "A Kingsman agent needs to be able to solve problems under pressure." "Like what to do when one of your group has no parachute." "No parachute?" "Who?" "Fuck." "Which one?" " What do we do?" "I told you." "Aim for the target coming under the radar." "And I hope not to be scraping one of you up." "But if I do have to and you're inside the target... means I'll be very impressed." "Everybody listen, I've got a plan." "Pair up." "Grab the closest person to you." "Rufus, come on." "Rufus, you jerk." "Rufus, you wanker." "We are an odd number now." "Quick, make a circle." " Fuck." "Right boys." "Let's do it." "We'll pull our cords one by one." "When we know who's it, the person on the rigth grabs him." "Good plan, Eggsy." "You have 30 seconds." "Come on now." "Hurry up." "You first." "Me next." "I'll see you on the ground, boys." "Now me." "Roxy, no matter what happens now, I've got you." "Alright?" "You first, okay?" "Hugo, Digby, you don't land in the K then you're not in the K." "Rufus, you opened too soon." "You were all over the radar." "All three of you, pack your bags." "Go home." "Eggsy, Roxy, congratulations." "You have set a new record." "Opening at 300 feet, that's pretty ballsy." "Well done on completing another task." "Follow." "Sorry sor, but why'd you choose me as the gim?" "Am I the expendable candidate?" " No no no." "You don't talk to me like that." "If you have a complaint, then you can whisper in my ear." "You need to take that jape off your shoulder." "Mr. DeVere." "It's a pleasure to meet you." "I am sorry." "I seem to have my dates muddles up." "Oh no no." "I canceled the gala because of you." "Anybody willing to donate that much deserves a private dinner." "Come in." "Thank you." "Gotta admit, I was really intrigued to meet you." "There are not many billionaires I do not know." " I don't doubt it." "Obviously, I have had my people looking into your affairs and that's some pretty old money you're from." "How'd your folks make it?" " Property, mostly." "Property in the markets." "Nothing personal, if that's your concern." "No, I'm just in to find out what kind of person you are." "I'm sure you understand that." "I most certainly do." " Hope you're hungry." "I'm famished." " Good." "Grab a seat." "I'd have the Big Mac, please." " Great choice." "But nothing beats two cheeseburgers with secret sauce." "Tastes great with this '45 Lafite." " A classic pairing." "May I suggest Twinkies with 1937 Château d'Yquem for pudding?" "That sounds good." "So you want to donate to my foundation?" "You are aware that I wind things down in that area, right?" "Climate changes affect us all, Mr. Valentine." "And you are one of the few powerful people who seems to share my concerns." "I stepped things down because I wasn't getting anywhere." "Every bit of reasearch kept pointing to the same thing." "The carbon emissions are a red herring, and we are past the point of no return no matter what remedial actions we take." "You know your shit." "I sometimes envy the blissful ignorance of those less well-versed in their shit." "As Professor Arnold always said:" ""Humankind is the only virus cursed to live with the horrifying knowledge of its host's fragile mortality."" "There are not a lot of people who know about him." "Do you like spy movies, Mr. DeVere?" "Nowadays, they're all a little serious for my taste." "But the old ones...marvellous." "Give me a farfetched theatrical plot any day." " The old Bond movies." "When I was a kid, that was my dream job." "A gentleman spy." "I always felt the old Bond films were only as good as the villian." "As a child, I rather fancied a futuristic colorful megalomaniac." "What a shame we both had to grow up." "Bon appétit." "Just give me a couple of days to think over your proposal." "I'll have my people get in touch with yours and it's all good." "Thank you for such a "happy meal"." "Well, you want me to follow him?" " No." "I put a nanotracker gel in the wine." "We'll know his every move for the next 24 hours." "Finally find out who he works for." "Valentine didn't let me out of his sight." "All I got was this, on the way in." "South Glade Mission Church is a hate group based in Kentucky." "The FBI have been monitoring them for years." " Do you think Valentine is a supporter?" "No evidence yet of a direct connection, but I'll keep looking." "Oh, by the way, the ever-growing list of missing persons..." "Now includes Scandinavian Royalty." "Royal Crown Princess Tilde." "Just let me out, you PSYCHO!" "I told you, you're free to go anytime you want." "As long as you agree to my conditions." " I don't agree." "And I am never ever going to agree!" "Enough yet." "Bitch." "The list of missing celebrities and dignataries has continued to grow in recent weeks." "And world leaders are coming under increasing pressure to provide answers." "We are doing everything in our power to find princess Tilde." "You know, governments and security forces worldwide are working together... to find the person behind these abductions." "In other news, people all over the world continue to wait in line day and night to get their free SIM card." "Mrs. P. You get one?" "Yeah, I've been queueing up all day." "This unprecedented giveaway by the philanthropist Richmond Valentine ... has already seen over a billion cards distributed." "At ease." "So you thought you were done for the day, huh?" "Probably not." "A party?" " Tonight." "In London." "Who is this?" " Your target." "Your mission is to use your NLP Training to win over the individual in the photograph in your envelope ." "And when I say "win over", I do mean in the Biblical sense." "Easy" "Most girls love a bit rough." " We'll see about that, yeah." "Who is that anyway?" "I just had to come over and say "Amazing eyes"." "You wearing color contacts?" " No." "You so are" " Oh my god. 'Negging'." "That's hilarious." "I haven't had anyone try that since the 90s." " Excuse me?" ""Negging"." "Saying something negative to a pretty girl in order to undermine her social value." "Its supposed to make you want to win his approval." "Absurdly basic neurolinguistic programming technique." "Is it just me or does this champagne taste a l'il bit funny?" " That's an acquired taste, mate." "I think it's just cheap." " Get one of these instead." "They're delicious." "You know, if you're interested in ornamental techniques, this guy is textbook." "See what he just did?" "Its called an 'opinion opener." "He got you talking with a neutral question ... got all of us involved in the conversation, so that you crave individual attention." "Nah, I'm just saying that the champagne tastes weird..." " Lady Sophie, Montague Herring, phone call for you at reception." "Be right back." " See you in a bit, yeah." "Good job, Rox." "I'm feeling a bit rough." " You alright?" "Sorry to eavesdrop ... but there is a much easier way to guarantee getting someone home." "Rohypnol." "Or even something stronger." "Who the fuck are you?" "Where am I?" "This knife can save your life." "My employer's two questions for you, Eggsy." "What the fuck is Kingsman?" "And who is Harry Hart?" "I do not know what the fuck that is." "Oh Eggsy, I just killed two of your friends because they gave me the same bullshit answer." "Just cut the fucking ropes, please." "Eggsy, is the Kingsman worth dying for?" "Congratulations." "Bloody well done." "How'd the others do?" " Roxy passed with flying colors." "Charlie's up next." "Want to watch?" "Yeah, alright." "Is Kingsman really worth dying for?" "No fuck, it isn't shit I'll tell all you want, please." "Chester King's Arthur, head of a spy agency; it's called Kingsman." "Thank you Charlie." "Much appreciated." "I had such high hopes for you." "You are a bloody disgrace." "I'm so sorry Please untie me." "Untie yourself." "Arthur, please." "Galahad, Percival." "Congratulations." "You candidates have reached the final stage of the testing process." "As tradition allows, you now have 24 hours to spend with them." "Eggsy, you should know your father reached this point." "From now on, there are no safety nets." "Understood?" "Good." "Dismissed." "Charlie, time to go home." "My fucking dad's gonna hear about this." ""To pee or not to pee?"" "That was the headline the day after I diffused a dirty bomb in Paris." ""Germany 1" " England 5."" " I missed that game." "I was breaking up an undercover spy ring at Pentagon." "My first mission." "I foiled the assassination of Margaret Thatcher." "Not everybody had thanked you for that one." "The point is, Eggsy, nobody thanked me for any of them." "Front page news, and all these occasions were celebrity nonsense." "Because it is the nature of Kingsman that our acheivements remain secret." "A gentleman's name should appear in the newspaper only three times:" "When he's born, when he marries and when he dies." "And we are, first and foremost, gentlemen." "Pretty fucked then." "Its like Charlie said, I am just a pleb." "Being a gentleman has nothing to do with the circumstances of one's birth." "Being a gentleman is something one learns." "Yeah, but how?" "Alright, first lesson, you should have asked me before you took a seat." "Second lesson, how to make a proper martini." "Yes, Harry." "Goddamn it." "It fucking hurts." "You are the one who asked for a biometric security system." "What's wrong with a simple switch?" "A simple switch?" "This is an extremely dangerous machine." "It should only be operated by someone responsible and sane as me." "Bad shit can happen if it falls into the wrong hands." "SYNC MAIN TERMINAL" "Are we done here?" "Shit" " No, now this one, for the test of the church." "This one just has a short range." "A simple switch will do." "So you gonna teach me how to talk proper like in 'My Fair Lady'?" "That'd be absurd." "Being a gentleman has nothing to do with one's accent." "Its about being at ease in one's own skin." "As Hemingway said:"There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man."" ""True nobility is being superior to your former self. "" "Now, the first thing every gentleman needs is a good suit." "By which I mean a bespoke suit." "Never off the peg." "And Kingsman suits are always bulletproof, So let's get you measured." "And whether you get the job or not, you will have a lasting and useful memento of your time at Kingsman." "I'm so sorry, sir, but a gentleman is completing his fitting." "Fitting Room 2 is available." " One does not use Fitting Room 2... when one is popping one's cherry." "Perhaps I'll show you Fitting Room 3, while we wait." "So we going up or down?" " Neither." "Is this it?" " Of course not." "Pull the hook on your left." "Very very nice." "You're going to need a pair of shoes to go with your suit." "An Oxford is any formal shoe, with open lacing." "This additional decorative piece is called broguing." ""Oxford's, not brogue's."" " Words to live by, Eggsy." "Words to live by." "Try a pair." "Your weapon scores are excellent, by the way." "These you're familiar with." "And this is our standard issue pistol." "Its quite unique." "As you all see it, it also fires a shotgun cartridge for use in messy close-range situations." "How do they feel?" "Now do your very best in personation of a German aristocrat's formal greeting." "No, Eggsy." "That is sick." "In the old days, they had a phone in the heel as well." "How do I get it back in?" "It is coated with one of the fastest-acting neurotoxins known to man, so very carefully." "I had a lot of fun with this." "One of our finest examples of chemical engineering." "Poison." "Harmless when ingested." "But at a time, convenient to you... it can be remotely activated." "Primed." "Lethal." "And what about these?" "What do these do?" "Electrocute you?" "Don't be ridiculous." "It's a hand grenade." " Shut up..." "If you want to electrocute someone, you'll need a signet ring." "A gentleman traditionally wears the signet on his left hand, but a Kingsman wears it on whatever hand happns to be dominant." "If you touch the contact behind the ring, it delivers 50,000 volts." "And what about them?" "What makes them so special?" "Nothing." "That technology is caught up with the spy world." "Put it back, Eggsy." "Perfect timing." "Gentleman's just finished." "Mr. DeVere." "What a coincidence." "You're totally the reason I'm here." "When you left my house, I was searching for that dope-ass smoking jacket you had on." "And since I'm going as Royal Ascot, apparently you need one of these penguin suits ..." "Here I am." "What are you doing here?" "What's up man?" "Richmond Valentine." "This is my new valet." "I was just introducing him to my tailor." "Another coincidence." "So am I." "Did you have any chance to think further on my proposal?" " Most definitely." "My people will be getting in touch with you very soon." "I guarantee it." "A word of advice:" "Ascot requires top hat." "I might suggest Lock  Co." "Hatters, St. James." ""Lox", as in smoked fish?" " As in "locked up"." "I have trouble understanding you people sometimes." "You all talk so funny." "Gentlemen, would you look after him please?" "Now this is a dope-ass top hat." "Gazelle, lets go Ascotting." "Your hat is fine Bill, come on." "Don't make me late for the queen." "Come on, Gazelle." "We're gonna be late." "How far is Ascot?" "How far?" "Merlin said you wanted to see me, sir?" " Sit down." "Pretty dog." "What's his name?" "J.B." " As in "James Bond"?" " No." ""Jason Bourne"?" " No." "Jack Bauer." "Bravo." "It pains me to admit it, Eggsy, but I think that one day you might be as good a spy as any of them." "Take it." "Shoot the dog." "This weapon is live." "Shoot the dog." "Give me the gun." "At least the girl's got balls," "Get out." "I knew you couldn't make it." "Go home." "Merlin, send in Roxy, please." "Welcome to Kingsman, Lancelot." "Oh god, I've been so worried about you." "Oh my Dais, look how big you've got." "Where is he?" " I am fine." "Eggsy, please please, just don't get involved..." "No, I should never have left you on your own." "This stops right now." "Be right back." "Oh Mugsy, so you're back?" "You nicked a fucking taxi now?" "Yeah." "Can I have a word about my mom's black eye?" "You wanna have a word with me, you get out of that cab, I'll knock you straight back down on your fucking arse." "Tell your muppets to go inside, then I'll get out." "Go on lads." "There'll be two hits:" "Me and him and then he and the floor." "Come on in, you prick." "Let's see what you got, eh." "What are you doing?" "Remote car." "What are you doing?" "Now you've gone all bollocks." "Come on, he'll beat my fucking mother." "Come back when you've grown a pair." "Mugsy." "You throw away your biggest opportunity over a fucking dog." "And then you humiliate me by stealing my boss's car." "You shot a dog just to get a fucking job?" " Yes, I did." "Mr Pickle here reminds me of that every time I take a shit." "You shot your dog and now its stuffed?" "You fucking freak." "No." "I shot my dog and then I brought him home and continued to care for him for the next eleven years until he died of pancreatitis." "It was a blank, Eggsy." "It was a fucking blank." "Remember Amelia?" "She didn't drown." "She works in our tech department in Berlin." "She's fine." "Limits must be tested." "A Kingsman only condones the risking of a life to save another." "As my father saved your life even though your fuck-up cost his?" "What you've get him stuffed here also?" "Can't you see that everything I have done has been about trying to repay him?" "Harry, listen to this." "Valentine's alarm is saying something of note." "You know what I love about pen and paper?" "Nobody can hack into this shit." "Our worldwide tour was a complete success." "We have total coverall." "Like when all your numbers in bingo are crossed out." " Bingo!" "Bingo, the game." "You have played Bingo, right?" "Do I look like I play bingo?" "Point is... if our tests go well at church tomorrow, we are good to go." "South Glade Mission Church." "Merlin, get the plane ready." " Will do" "I am so sorry." "I'm gonna do.." " You should be." "You stay right there." "I'll sort this mess out when I get back." "And I say to you:" "Bear witness." "Watch the news." "Watch the news." "AIDS, floods The blood of the innocents spilled." "And yet there are those who doubt this is the wrath of God." "Our filthy government condones sodomy." "Divorce, abortion." "And yet some still doubt, this is the work of the Antichrist." "You do not have to be a Jew,a nigger,a whore ... or an atheistic science loving evolution spouter." "Charming ceremony." "Can you Valentine anywhere?" "So my friends, although he is a just god, he is justly..." "Are you sure we are out of range?" " We're over a 1000 feet away." "What's wrong?" "What if the calculations are wrong?" " You just have to trust me." "Jews, nigger, fag lovers." "And the devil is burning them for all eternity." "Excuse me." "Where are you going?" "Hey, what's your problem?" "I am a Catholic whore, currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black Jewish boyfriend... who works in a military abortion clinic." "So hail Satan." "And have a lovely afternoon, madam." "Oh shit, he's leaving." "I'm starting the test now." "Hope enough of these freaks have our SIM cards." "...ask you to sit down..." "Leave this church like the infidel you are." "You will eat your babies." "You will drown in the blood of the Lord." "He will cast." "I can't watch this." "Get over here." "Galahad, can you hear me?" "Harry, what the heck is going on?" "Just turn the volume down please." "I didn't expect it to be that effective." " What kind of response are we talking of?" "100%." "So everyone's been infected Whether they have SIM card or not?" "And its added benefit of wiping out the Kingsman." "Not yet." "Oh you need to see this." "What did you do to me?" "I had no control." "I killed all those people." "I wanted to." " Clever, isn't it?" "In simple terms, its a neurological wave that triggers the centers of aggression and switches off inhibitus." "Transmitted through your nasty free SIM cards, I assume?" "You know what this look like?" "Its like those old movies we both love." "Now I'm gonna tell you my whole plan ... and then I'm gonna come up with some absurd, convoluted way to kill you... and then you'll find an equally comnvoluted way to escape." "That sounds good to me." "Well, this ain't that kind of movie." "Is he dead?" "That's usually what happens when you shoot someone in the head." "It feels good, huh?" " No no, it does not feel good." "It felt fucking awful." "What?" "You just killed how many people in that church." "This is one guy." "No, they killed each other." "Okay, send down the countdown clock This party starts tomorrow." "Arthur?" "Are you there?" " Sadly, I am." "Assemble the Kingsman." "Can't you see that everything I have done has been about trying to repay him?" "I see a young man with potential, who wants to do something good with his life." "Arthur, Harry is dead." "Galahad is dead." "Hence, we have just drunk a toast to him." "Well then you know what that psycho's doing." "How many people in the world have got those SIM cards?" "Valentine can send a signal to any of them;" "all of them." "If they all go down the same time, then.." "we have Valentine's confession." "The intelligence has been passed on to the relevant authorities." "Our work is complete." "And a most distinguished legacy for our fallen friend it is too." "And that's it?" "Come sit down, boy." "This is an 1815 Napoleonic brandy." "And we only drink it when we lose a Kingsman." "Galahad was very fond of you." "And on this occasion, I think it is acceptable for us... to bend the rules a little." "These are all Kingsmen?" " Yes, our founder members." "I want you to join me in a toast." "To Galahad." "Harry said you don't like to break the rules, often." "Why now?" "You're very good, Eggsy." "Perhaps I'll make you my proposal for Galahad's position." "Provided we can see eye to eye on certain political matters." "Can you guess what this is?" "I don't have to." "Harry showed it." "You click it, I die." "I thought that brandy tasted a bit shit." "Bravo." "Valentine won you over." "Somehow" "Once he explained, I understood." "When you get a virus, you get a fever." "That's the human body raising its core temperature to kill the virus." "Planet Earth works the same way :" "Global warming is the fever..." "Mankind is the virus." "We are making our planet sick." "A cull is our only hope." "If we do not reduce our population ourselves, there's only two ways it can go :" "The host kills the virus, or the virus kills the host." "Either way..." " The result is the same:" "The virus dies." "So Valentine's gonna take care of the population problem himself." "If we don't do something, Nature will." "Sometimes a culling is the only way to ensure that this species survives." "And History will see Valentine as the man who saved humanity from extinction." "And he gets to pick and choose who gets culled, does he?" "All his rich mates, they get to live." "And then when he thinks its worth saving, he's keeping them safe." "Whether they agree with him or not." " And you, Eggsy." "In Harry's honor, I am inviting you to be part of a new world." "It's time to make your decision." "I would rather be with Harry." "Thanks." "So be it." "The problem with us common types is, that we are light fingered." "Kingsman's taught me a lot." "But slight of hand..." "Yes, they're our our founder members." "...I had that done already." "You dirty little fucking prick." "It's okay, Lancelot." "Put it down." "It's verified." "Arthur's phone's just received an update text about getting to safety." "We don't have a lot time." "What you gonna do?" " The question is what we gonna do." "God knows who's in Valentine's pocket and who's not." "We've no choice." "We are gonna have to deal with this ourselves." "Follow me." "The fuck is this?" " I have no idea." "What you're playing with... is a prototype personal trans-atmospheric vehicle." "It was develpoped as part of Reagan's Star Wars project." "Its pretty basic, but it should still work." "We're going to take out one of Valentine's satellites." "We're gonna break the chain; stop the signal." "It will take him a couple of hours to reboot it." "Which buys us enough time for you to get me into Valentine's mainframe... so I can shut it down." "Lancelot, you are going to be using it." "Get into your halo suit." "The Swedish Prime Minister requesting permisstion to land." "Permission granted." "Please." " Thank you." "So how many more are we expecting?" " Not many." "Most havetheir own bunkers." "I figure we're just getting really nervous once." "Welcome, Prime Minister." "It seems the implant can emit some kind of counter signal... to ensure the wearer remains unaffected by the waves from the SIM card." "The waves that turns everyone into a psycho killer?" "Quite." "But what they probably didn't tell anyone... is that it can also super heat their soft tissue at his command." "Valentine's selected his chosen few together countdown a warning." "He had to be sure that it didn't blow up to the wrong people beforehand." "And how does this help us right now?" "It doesn't." "Roxy, here we go." "The higher you go, The more the balloons expand." "When you reach the edge of the atmosphere, they will explode." "You need to deploy your missile just before that, okay?" " The edge of the atmosphere." "And once you've deployed, you'll need to release for descent fast." "Good luck." "You can do ths, okay?" "Eggsy, come on." "Time is not our friend." "Getting in in with Arthur's invitation, you'll have to blend in." "I'm supposed to be Arthur?" " His invitation's in his phone." "Give them this and give his real name:" "Chester King." "And what about you?" " I'm the pilot." "I'm gonna stay here." "Is that gonna fit me?" " A bespoke suit always fits." "Just be grateful Harry had it made for you." "Get dressed." "The fuck's wrong with them?" " I don't know." "Could have something to do with mass genocide?" "Give me the mic." "Everybody listen up." "What the fuck wrong with you people?" "I just want to remind you that today is a day of celebration." "We must put aside all talks of death, and and focus on birth." "The birth of a new age." "We mustn't mourn those who give their lives today." "We should honor their sacrifice." "She got my number to call me back...?" "And their role in saving the human race." "We must put aside doubts and guilt." "You are the chosen people." "When folks tell their kids the story of Noah's Ark, is Noah the bad guy?" "Is God the bad guy?" "How about the animals marching two by two?" "Of course not." "Yes, that's it." "So let's turn that frown upside down." "Eat, drink and party." "And I'll see you all in the new age." "Rox, its me." "How's the view?" "Hideous." " Mine's pretty sweet." "They made you one of these suits yet?" "No, not yet." "That's something to look forward to then." "We're coming up on Valentine's base." "Gotta go." "Good luck." "You're looking good, Eggsy." "Feeling good, Merlin." "This is November 2-4-7 Charlie Zero requesting permission to land." "Permission is granted." "Fuck me." "We're on." "Chester King." "Mr. King, welcome." "I'm sure you've adhered to Mr Valentine's strict no weapons policy ... but if you don't object.." " Of course." "Do you have any luggage?" "Congratulations, Mycroft." "You just graduated from my pilot to my valet." "Cheeky." " Understood?" "Good." "Thank you." "Eggsy, find a laptop." "Get me online." "The clock is ticking." "And remember :" "Try to blend in." "Would sir care for a drink?" "Martini." "Gin, not vodka, obviously." "Stirred for 10 seconds while glancing it an unopened bottle of vermouth." "Thank you." "Merlin, you clock in this?" " Yes I am." "Stay focused." "Lancelot, you're doing great." "Not much further to go." "Yes, Merlin." "Eggsy, get me online." "Now." "Yep." "I'm on it." "Lancelot, you're approaching your altitude limit." "These balloons won't last much longer." "start to engage missile." "The society is dead." "Long live society." "Amen to that." "Morten Lindström." " Chester King." "How'd you get online?" "Oh well, it's a closed network, you see." "For authorized connections only." "I've got a fix on the satellite." "Do you have the correct time?" "I think I'm still on my last time zone." " Oh yeah." "Lets see now." "Eggsy, I'm in." "Get your arse back to the plane now." " I'm on my way." "Lancelot, good luck." "Firing in three, two..." "Nice and slow." "What the fuck are you doing here?" " Well, my family was naturally invited." "Obviously." "Now get the fuck up." "Slowly." "Lancelot, hurry up and fire." "The other balloon is gonna blow." "Yes, Merlin." "I've nearly got it." "Give me a second." "Valentine, I've caught a fucking spy." "V-Glass, zoom." "It's that young valet." "Son of a bitch." "Got it." "Oh shit." "Sound the alarm." "I'm not taking anny chances." "Okay, you send out too many warnings." "I'm starting the override." "Countdown initiated." "You see him?" " Over here." "Eggsy, take a left." "Two guards up ahead." "Lancelot, release now." "Eggsy, straight ahead and then right." "There's two more." "Alright, everybody on your feet." "Countdown to V-Day." "Welcome into new age." "Eggsy, next left." "Got a narrow tunnel." "Here we go." "Three, two, one ..." "Nice." "Well done, both of you." "It's not working." "It's supposed to be working." "What the fuck?" "Well done, Rox." "Good girl." "We've lost one of our satellites." "Oh no no." "There's no way I can hack past that." "What's going on?" "Is there a problem?" "C'mon, there's no need for guns." "I'm just a pilot." "Get in here." "Come on." "Let's go the fuck out of here." " I can't." "I can't get into Valentine's machine." "It's got biometric security." "You're gonna have to get in there and make sure his hand never touches that desk." "You taking a fucking piss?" " I'm afraid not." "Set that then." "This is mine." "I'll show you yours." "Good choice." "How long to relink the satellite chain?" " It can take an hour." "Maybe two." "Bullshit." "Just bring these two closer together." " But that's not yours." "V-glass, call E-man." "E, its V. Listen man, I got a little hickup on this end;" "I need a piggyback." "One of my satellites just went down but is right next to one of yours." "You read my mind." "How long before you make that happen?" "Go." "We should be coming back online." "Valentine using someone else's satellite." "He's gonna reconnect the chain." "Its gonna take him no time at all." "He sits at 20%." "Eggsy, Valentine's got a present for you." "Get a move on." "Is that Kingsman kid dead yet?" " Not yet." "But he will be soon." "Good." "Merlin, I'm fucked." "As am I." "They're coming at me from both sides." "I'm out of options." "Rox, I need a favor." "Call my mum and tell her to lock herself away from Dean and the baby." "And tell her I love her." "Merlin, you remember those implants you said were of no use to us?" "Any chance you could turn them on?" "My turn to play, Valentine." "Oh no." "Yes, please." "SECURITY IMPLANTS ACTIVATED" "That was fucking spectacular." "Merlin, you're a fucking genius." "What the fuck is happening out there?" "Aren't you that princess who went missing?" " Can you get me out?" "Well if I do, will you give me a kiss?" "I've always wanted to kiss a princess." "If you get me out right now, I will give you more than just a kiss." "You motherfucker." "Did you really I was stupid enough to implant one of those things in my own head?" "What are you?" "Fucking crazy?" "All those innocent people killed themselves for what?" "You didn't stop shit." "Fine, I have locked the door." "What do you want me to do now?" " As I said, put your daughter in the bathroom and throw away the key." "It's still happening." "You fucking insane?" " Just do it." "Eggsy, the signal's started." "Get Valentine's hand off that bloody desk now." "Sorry, love." "Gotta save the world." "If you save the world, we can do it in the asshole?" "I'll be right back." "Good luck." "London." "Rio." "Get down." "You did it." "This glass is not gonna hold long." "You stay here." "How do I get up there?" " Keep shooting." "I'm find a route." "We are back up." "This is great." "Eggsy, fucking get off his hand." "Kick his ass, darling." "Seoul, Caracas, Mumbai." "Eggsy, the world is going to shit." "Is he dead yet?" " Not yet." "stop playing with your food." "Kill him." "Gazelle." "Come on." "Kill him." "Well done son." "Well done, Eggsy." "And you, Lancelot." "I am sorry." "Mommy would never hurt you." "Is it?" "Harry would be proud of you, Eggsy." "He was right." "'Sup man?" "Is this the part where you say some really bad pun?" "Its like you said to Harry:" "This ain't that kind of movie, bough." "Perfect." "Eggsy, where you going?" "There's no need for champagne We have got lots on the plane." "Did you save the world?" " Yes i did." "You gonna come in?" " Yes, I am." "Merlin, this door's locked." "How do I get in?" "26-25." "Merlin, you're the governor." "You owe me, Eggsy." "Oh my word." "Michelle, turn that shit off, its turning me nutsy." "I rather like that song." "Leave it on, Mom." "Mugsy's back." "You finally come to have that word with me, have you son?" "Or are you going to run away again and pretend you're getting another coat dress like that?" "You mean this?" "No." "I know this bloke who's just taken over a tailor shop up on Seville Road." "He's got me a job, Mom." "Comes with a lot of perks." "Including a house." "Come and live with me there, Mum." "Come on." " Sit down, you." "Only place she'll be visting is you in fucking hospital, d'you hear?" "Just leave him alone." "Eggsy, go please." "Just go away." "Alright" "Yes, just do as mommy says." "Find yourself a tailor and think that chicken costume's gonna suit you, you mug." "As a good friend once said:" "Manners... maketh... the man." "Dean?" " Shut the fuck up." "Eggsy, I'm gonna shove your manners up your fucking..." "Are we going to stand here all day, or are we going to fight?"