"IT IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK, HONEY" "Where is my wife?" "I would think she is in the kitchen." "My God, has anything happened?" "Vera, tell me are you Ukrainian or Belorussian?" "Da, da..." " "Da" means Ukrainian or Belorussian?" " Da, da..." " In three months you managed to break all my china." " Da." "If you continue like this I will turn completely grey and I am too rich for that." "You can't imagine what a day I had." "How are you?" "We performed an operation..." "Yes, oh it's you, Alice." "Yes, yes, yes," "Yes, yes." " We performed an operation." " Can't you see I am talking to someone?" "Yes." "Yes." "We transplanted a brain." "Yes..." "At her age one has to take it easy." "Bye bye!" "Alice has so many problems." " What did you say?" " Yes..." "I am leaving Warsaw for two days." "I have a convention." "He has just left for Warsaw for two days..." "No, you can't come here, it's out of the question..." "There are people here..." "What?" "Where?" "The seaside?" "My car is being fixed right now." "Wait, wait..." "We can go, he left his car." "I am so glad we are going to the seaside." " Drive!" " Won't you even say hello?" " Drive, drive..." " Has anything happened?" " It's nothing, honey, just nothing, but drive." " OK." " Hello?" "Is that you, honey?" " Honey, can you hear me?" "I'm not shouting, I am far away..." "I have just arrived." "How are things at home?" "OK..." "Yes, Warsaw, what can I see?" "Nothing, actually..." "It is dark..." "Yes, honey." "I will certainly see something in the morning..." " Excuse me." "Is everything all right?" " Yes, thank you very much." "We have prepared our best suites for the participants of the convention." "If there is anything you may need..." " For example, do you need a wake up call?" " Yes, please, but not too early." "Just a second..." "bye then..." "I do too..." " Is nine o'clock OK with you?" " Very much so." " Who were you talking to?" " The manager." " He was here?" " Just passing." "Passing through our suite?" "And what if someone gets to know I am staying here with you?" "Honey, this is a luxury hotel, no one cares a straw." "And if somebody asks what a common nurse is doing here?" "No that common." " Don't do it." " Why?" "I thought we could do a little demoralizing." "What are you doing?" "What is demoralizing worth without some alcohol." "I might have made a mistake coming here with you." "You did the right thing." "Why don't we eat something?" "We can order room service." "But I would like to take a walk along the beach." "You can see it from the window." "The view is breathtaking." " I can't see anything." " You see, it doesn't make sense to go out." "Maybe we can go to the restaurant?" "I have never been in such a place." "Don't look around like this." "When they find a free table, they will let us know." "There is this guy who has been staring at us for a while." " Where?" " Behind you." "We are leaving." "Now." "You go first, I will follow you." " Why?" " Because." "I told you nobody would have noticed us if we behaved discreetly." "Doctor Filip Hoffman?" "I recognized you at the first sight..." "This old goat will chew you up and spit you out." "This old goat does not like to wait." "Hurry up." "You have been wiping his ass for twenty years." " This is going to change tomorrow." " Are you going to poison him?" "He is stepping down himself." "He suffers from a brain tumor and within a year he will turn into cabbage and not a very fresh one to that." "You're a cabbage yourself and not the brightest one to that." "You are going to regret it." "Tomorrow he will present his successor and it will the most handsome, the most elegant, the most famous and the wisest candidate." "I would like you to replace me as the surgeon general." "I intend to announce it tomorrow during the convention immediately after you wonderful paper." "I greatly respect you and your beautiful wife." "What do you think about it?" "I am so surprised, professor." "I did not expect any such thing." "Don't be so modest." "You will be my secret weapon against all these spongers." "You are honest, fair, and unknown, and this will finish them off!" "Antoni!" "Oh, this is my wife Waleria..." "and we have a table." " I have a headache." " Will you join me?" "My wife doesn't feel well." "You can't do that to us." "Waleria loves to see some new faces." "This is really wonderful." " What is wonderful?" "You don't feel well!" " Me?" " And who else?" "Me, not well." " Please, don't make any fuss." "Let's go." "Tomorrow you will be the most important doctor in this country." "Vodka, please." "I will take a bottle to my room." " Of the same?" " Yes, just get me a bigger bottle." " Do you have to drink this much?" " I can quit whenever I want to." " So quit now." " But I don't want to." "Maybe I will tell a joke..." "For example about a beauty parlour." "My wife went to a beauty parlour, didn't you, honey?" "So what?" "It was closed..." "Go powder your nose..." "or something." "Go now!" "Good evening, doctor." "Excuse me." "What are you doing here?" "The director of our institute sent me..." "He delegated me to help you." "I am perfectly fine by myself." "You can go back immediately." " But I brought your paper and slides." " You can go back." "Well, I can't because I am waiting for a call." "You can wait at home." "I can't." "Jane is supposed to call me and let me know if she comes today, tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow." "You live here!" "?" "!" "Yes, next to you." "Seven meters away, I guess." " Who is this young gentleman?" " He is my assistant." "Nice to meet you, please, join us." "Jakub is in a hurry, he has to catch a train to Wroclaw in a few minutes." " We must go back, mustn't we?" " Your wife should be here any minute now." "You're here with your wife?" " Has anything happened?" " Please, why don't you join us?" "Are you here?" "Get out now!" "What are you doing here?" "This is a ladies' restroom." "Oh, my God, I feel so sick." "It's hardly surprising after you drunk a barrel of wine." "You have nice friends." "This friend is the most important neurosurgeon in the country" " and he wants me to take his job." " I think I am going to puke." " And you will spoil everything." " If I puke?" "If you go back there." " But I can go there now." " It's out of the question!" "You are leaving." "Why?" "Can you think straight for a second?" "I see you double." "Jakub Bazyl has just arrived." " Are they twins?" " Not..." "My assistant, the one with big ears." " Let's drink to my departure." " Yes, I will gladly drink to that." "Zmijewski, Zmijewski, what would I do without you?" "You have been with me for so many years." "I will tell you first, you are my secretary after all." " Yes, Professor?" " My dear Ryszard." "I decided to appoint doctor Filip Hoffman as my successor." "Whom?" "Professor, this is not the way it was supposed to be!" "And how was it?" "So many years." "No complaints, never a raise..." "No common sense, you idiot." " Zmijewski, what happened?" " My wife doesn't feel well." "You have a brain tumor, not him!" "I've had enough of this Jurassic park." "Please, calm down." "Zmijewski, come back, we need to talk about it!" "Are you surprised?" "Not quite as much as your secretary." "We were supposed to do some demoralizing." "I am completely demoralized already." " Will you drive me back in your car?" " We don't have a car." " What do you mean?" " We flew here by plane." " To Sopot?" " No, to Warsaw." "We are in Warsaw?" "No." "So where are we?" "Are you still here?" "You are quite a joker." "Where am I supposed to be?" "And where is your wife, if I may ask?" "My wife?" "I'll be back presently." " You must leave immediately." " I can't move." "I will go down to have breakfast and I will bring you something to eat." "Don't you dare leave the room." "Do you hear me?" "Your husband is sitting here." "My husband?" "He is at some convention." "Well, yes." "We all are at the convention." "Do I know you?" "But of course you do." "Jakub Bazyl." "You don't remember me." "I am your husband's assistant." "We work together." " You do?" " Yes, we do." "You invited me to dinner once." "I did tell you it was delicious." "Excuse me, I am expecting an important call from my fiancée." "Excuse me, would you mind telling your husband that Professor asks him to read his paper before the nomination." "I am personally very happy." "Well, I must be going now." " Did your wife tell you everything?" " My wife?" "What?" "It's good that you're back." "Professor wants you to read your paper just before the nomination." " It's impossible." " Why?" "Because I am leaving immediately." "Why?" "You are supposed to be his successor." "The TV will be here and the minister." "Professor would like this very much." "And I told your wife and I asked her to pass the news to you." " Who?" " Well, your wife..." " My wife?" " Excuse me, may I have another roll, because..." "Yes, she was here a moment ago to have her breakfast." "Wait, I have terrible problems with... with..." "Shit!" "Shit!" " You were downstairs in the restaurant." " No." " He said he had spoken with you." " Who?" " Big ears." " With me?" " You didn't go downstairs?" " I haven't left the room." "He said he had spoken to my wife." " But I am not your wife." " I know this much." " And does he?" " He does too." "You see." "So it wasn't me." "If not you, who then?" "What did my wife look like?" " Well..." " Well what?" " Well, the usual way." " Which means?" " Like your wife." " Which means?" "She was so sunny, so joyful." "Radiant." "That wasn't her." "Oh, everything has been arranged." " What has been arranged?" " You know what." "It's going to be OK." "It's OK that it is going to be OK." "Please, give my regards to your husband." "Tell him it is going to be OK." "Excuse me, this is doctor Hoffman's wife." " I am delighted." " Really?" "Doctor Ryszard Zmijewski, secretary to Professor Gaszynski." " Everything is arranged." " That's great." "I will let Professor know." " What will you tell him?" " That everything is arranged." "Professor is very nervous." "He wants the TV broadcast to be absolutely perfect." " The TV?" " Well, the meeting with the minister as well." " Excuse me." " I will go to fetch the slides." " You have to leave." "You have to." " Why?" " I explained it to you yesterday." " But I can't remember anything." "The Big Ears came here." "It must be him." "Go to the bathroom." "Come in!" "Please, accept my apologies." "I am looking for Mr Bazyl." "He switched off his mobile and I can't find him anywhere." "Some Jane keeps calling all the time." "She must be his fiancée." " I will tell him to switch the mobile on." " Thank you very much." " Is everything all right?" " Very much so." "We are doing our best." "My God, why don't you say anything?" "Your air-conditioning doesn't work." "It doesn't matter." "It doesn't matter?" "I will send someone to fix it." "This is the best hotel in Poland." "I don't like air-conditioning." "It dries off my skin and throat." "But it is not safe." "Something may catch fire for example." "And the bathroom?" " Everything is OK in the bathroom." " Let's check it." "Dear sir, I have very serious problems with... you see." "No, I don't." "With my colon." "I see." "I will send someone later on." "He's gone." "Get out." "You said it was a world class hotel and nobody cares for anything here." "The world must be changing." "Start packing, you are leaving." "Shit, they are already here." "Go back to bathroom and dive in the tub." " You're crazy." " Who's there?" "It's me, Bazyl." "You don't have to dive." "Come in!" " What is it this time?" " I brought your slides." "What slides?" "For your paper." "I see that you brought them." "What am I supposed to do with them?" "Present them." " It is an old hotel." " And not your wife?" "Well, it is my wife, I have forgotten about her completely." "It's all because of these slides." "Yes." "I will leave them and go." "Why did you flush the toilet?" "I heard the door close and I thought he was gone." "Good morning." "I thought you were in the bathroom." " We are leaving." " Why?" "I explained it to you in the morning." "My husband's assistant is here and I think he is gone mad." "He keeps telling me to give my husband his regards..." "Jesus, he may tell him about me." "Or maybe Filip already knows." "Wroclaw fourth branch of the National Bank was robbed yesterday in the evening." "The robber terrorized the employees with a gun and stole four million zloty." "Unofficial sources claim he left Wroclaw in a Saab registered in the name of Filip Hoffman, well-known neurosurgeon." "Police expects all those who can provide any information concerning the robbery to contact the local police station or call 997..." "Don't touch it!" "... and now to culture." "The Venice Film Festival, the oldest film festival in the world, opens today." "What have you done?" "Doctor, it's good I met you." "I can't find Mr. Bazyl anywhere." "Miss Jane has just called to let him know she is coming a day earlier that is today." " What happened?" " Nothing." "She is crying with happiness because she is getting married to Mr. Bazyl." "This is Miss Jane, Mr. Bazyl's fiancée." "You came here real fast." "I am just taking miss Jane to my room so that she could wait there for Mr. Bazyl." "But is unnecessary." "I will bring a spare key immediately." "There is no need for that." "We can wait in my room." "Your room is also wonderful." "Thank you very much for your assistance." "I will be back with the key." "What did you tell him?" "I am getting married, aren't I?" " No, but you have to stay here." " With that Big Ears of yours?" "Who is it?" "It's me, Jakub." "To the bathroom?" "Come in." "I was told that Jane has already arrived and she is here with you." " Where is she?" " In the bathroom." "In the bathroom with her parents?" "Why would she be in my bathroom with her parents?" " That is what I am asking." " Well, I don't know why." "Dear Jakub, it's a good moment for you to show how intelligent you are." "And why I chose you to be my assistant." "You didn't choose me, it was the dean that told you to take me." " But I agreed." " After a major fight." "It's immaterial now." "From this moment on you have to agree with everything I say and try to look intelligent." "Do you understand?" " I don't." " What specifically don't you understand?" "I understand." "The director of the hotel will be here any minute now" " and he will bring a spare key to your room." " What for?" "I have my key." "For Jane." "And her parents?" "I know nothing about the parents." "I will go and fetch Jane." "But this isn't Jane, this is nurse Dominika from our hospital." " Yes, this is nurse Dominika." " And where is Jane?" "She is Jane now." "I don't understand." "Try to look intelligent." "Come in!" " I brought the key." " For whom?" " For your fiancée." " For whom?" " This is a kind of early honeymoon." " What?" "Jakub, you don't have to be that modest." "Thank you very much for your help." "Activate your left hemisphere, you will be more joyful." "Do you understand now?" "What does your wife think about it?" "Why do you keep nagging me about my wife?" "What do you care?" " Does she know about it?" " Of course, she does..." "My wife thinks I am at a convention in Warsaw!" "But that is not the point." "And what is?" "Professor Gaszynski wants to make me general neurosurgeon of Poland" " and I want no one to learn about it." " About what?" "It." "My God!" "You will tell everyone that you came here with Dominika" " and she is your fiancée." " But she is not my fiancée." "Can't she just leave?" "You have nowhere to go?" "Well..." "Maybe you should just go back home?" "Please, this is about our boss." "If all this comes out, he would not survive us wasting such an opportunity." " What opportunity?" " To become the general neurosurgeon!" "You would be my deputy!" "Our clinic would be" " the most famous in the whole country!" " Would you really do it?" " What?" " Make me your deputy." "Certainly." "Just take Dominika out of here and tell the guys at the reception that she is your fiancée." "Excuse me but what about your wife?" "I told Gaszynski that this is my wife!" "Oh boy." "I have never expected that of you." "Well, what can I say?" "There is a beast in each and every one of us." "Hello." "Who is it?" "Jane!" "Jane!" "No, nothing is wrong." "No." "I am so glad..." "Yes, yes, yes, yes." "I am very glad." "Yes." "Yes." "When are coming here?" "Today?" "No, no, no..." "that is I am very happy." "I am jumping for joy." "I am jumping, you see." "OK, bye bye." "Bye." "I can't do it." "Jane will be here any minute now with her father." " She wants us to meet." " Will Jane stay in your room?" "Obviously not, who do you think we are?" "Well, that would really be horrible." "So you don't want to be my deputy any more?" "So?" "Rack your brains, as they say." " I have to think about it." " Just do it quickly." "What happens if Jane learns that I am staying in one room with another woman?" " You are not going to tell her, are you?" " Well, no." "Neither will I..." "So the matter is settled." "But I still think this isn't the best idea." "Do you want to become the deputy of the most important doctor in the country or not?" "So get going!" "Jane's dad works in secret services, he is a major." "A spy was exactly the last thing we needed here." "I am not going anywhere and I wouldn't go either if I were you." "I am wondering why you tolerate such things." " What things?" " You know very well what things." " So you have known already?" " Naturally, I have." " Where from?" " I saw it myself." " Do you promise not to tell anyone?" " I do." "And you will not notify the police?" "This is not anything the police would be interested in, madam." "Not any more?" "We do not need such a scandal, Professor." " Are you certain?" " I saw it on TV." " They gave the name of the city." " Wroclaw?" "Yes, it was Wroclaw." "Bank robbery, the fourth branch." "Yes, they keep telling terrible things about us." "The fate of our country and maybe even the whole world is in your hands." "Do you think so?" "And if they arrest him?" "And his paper on aphasia is so perfect." "In present circumstances he should not present it." " Oh dear." "And who will?" " I will." " I am also a specialist in aphasia." " My dear Zmijewski." "I will make you my successor." "Mrs Hoffman!" "Mrs Hoffman!" "Dear Mrs Hoffman, please." "Don't worry." "I hope you understand that in present circumstances" "I cannot make your husband my successor." "But I can explain everything." "My dear child, it will take a long time before the matter is settled and we cannot wait." " Poland needs her doctor right now!" " This is all my fault." " Your fault?" " Yes." "I talked him into it." " You did?" "My God, it is terrible." " I wanted it." " He had nothing to do with it." " I would say he did, actually." " But nothing happened." " You are quite wrong here, it did." "Dear God, I can't remember anything!" "I wanted to run away but I had to come back." " What for?" " Gaszynski knows everything about us." "What exactly did he say?" "That he is not going to make you his successor." "Bazyl, you traitor!" "But nothing happened." "He said it did and it was all over the newspapers and TV." "Hide in the wardrobe and you will jump out of it in the right moment." "Go now!" "Come in!" "You betrayed me and I wanted to make you my deputy." "I am sorry but I could not check nurse Dominika in my room because she ran away." " What is she doing here?" " The right moment has come and she jumped out." " Why are you crying?" " Because I am worrying that this is all because of me." "What can we do, I won't be the surgeon general." " What?" "Why?" " Because you tattled to Professor Gaszynski." "But I haven't spoken to any professor." "Are you sure?" "I am not sure of anything any more." "I have an idea." "Go down to the hall and try to meet Professor Gaszynski." "You will introduce Dominika as your fiancée." "But he already knows her as your wife." "Maybe he forgot." "I know!" "You will tell him that he misunderstood me." "I will do no such thing." "This isn't going to work." "Everything will work just fine." "Haven't you ever watched TV?" " Use your brain, that is your job after all." " But..." "Jakub, do as I say and all this horror will come to an end." " Or start." " Can't you be more optimistic?" "Somehow I can't, I must say." "If you can do it subtly, so that he didn't end up with a stroke, it will all be fine." "It is easy to be up against something but the time comes when you have stand up for something." "You will soon get married, you will want to become senior registrar, a professor, maybe even the prime minister and the president." "But you can't be the prime minister and the president at the same time..." "Oh you can." "Good morning, professor." "Will you allow me to introduce my fiancée Jane." "I am delighted to meet you." "Haven't we met before?" " I don't think so." " Are you sure?" " Quite positive." " It is absolutely certain." "Miss Jane has just arrived." "She is English." " Do you speak any Polish?" " Just a little." "The wedding is planned for this week." "Congratulations." "I also want to congratulate but I would like to check in first." " Yes, sir." " My name is Williamson." " What is going on?" " I booked a room in this hotel." "This is Jane's father." "I am leaving." "I will spend the night at some railway station." " What we need is a miracle." " My God, where is my handbag?" "Excuse me?" "I would like to look around." "Haven't you noticed anything suspicious?" "There is nothing suspicious here." "I suspect that everywhere there is something suspicious." "Especially in those places where there is nothing suspicious." "Do you read me?" "And who are you?" " I am looking for doctor Hoffman, is he staying here?" " Let me check..." "Yes, room 207." "Shall I call him?" "No, I want to surprise him, but let me look around first." " Yes, madam." " Which is doctor Hoffman's room?" " You as well?" " What do you mean by "you as well"?" "Are you being expected by doctor Hoffman?" " Yes, I am." "So what?" " Nothing." "There so many people in there that I don't know if he can squeeze you in." "It is a nightmare." "I can't leave the hotel." "I lost my bag and I don't know where it can be." "Probably in the wardrobe." "I am not going into the wardrobe." "I suffer from claustrophobia." " And what about sea sickness?" " No." " So go to the bathroom." "Don't pay any attention to me." "I will stay here only for a moment." " Where is she?" " Who?" "That woman you took to Warsaw." "I am not an idiot." "Where is she?" "There is no one here as you can see." "I almost fainted when I heard you were here." " I can't believe it somehow." " I had to get a stiff drink." " This I can believe." " Stop it!" "Where is she?" "Wardrobe?" "Under the bed?" "How could you?" " There is a woman in the bathroom." " Still?" " You fraud!" " It's not what you think..." " Stop it now!" " She is Jakub's fiancée." " Do you think I am completely crazy?" " I swear." "So what is she doing there?" "Hiding because here parents object to their contacts." "They can't accept him." "It's a very sad story." "Who's there?" "It's Jakub!" "It's good that you came." "This is my wife." "Oh yes, we met during breakfast." "Your fiancée Jane is still waiting for you in my bathroom." " This Jane?" " Yes, this Jane." " My God..." " Jane is English." "Oh boy..." "Take her to your room." "I'd like to talk to my wife." "Naturally." "Don't thank me." "You know how I like you." "It's so good that I met you." "Mr. Williamson has just arrived and he has been asking for you." "Your father." "He stays in room 728." "Why didn't you tell me my wife was here?" "But I kept telling you this all the time!" "Well, you did mumble something..." "Jane and her dad will be here any minute." "What am I going to do?" "Maybe there will be an earthquake?" "Where I am going to find another Bazyl?" "I've got an idea!" "Let's tell them the truth." "Charming." "Have you got any other ideas?" "Jakub!" "Is Jane staying in your room?" "Of course not!" "She is staying with her father." "That's great!" "My brother has arrived unexpectedly." "He is a little weird." "My husband doesn't like him, you see." "I do... that is..." "I don't." "Would put him up in your room for the night?" "Why don't you just take one more room?" "We already have two rooms." " So how many of you are there?" " Too many." "It's getting quite crowded in my room as well." "Please, come by later." " Maybe there will be some room." " Please, I am begging you." " He is very nice." "Your age!" " My age?" "I agree under the condition that he can do something for me." "He will do anything." "This is absurd." "This is not going to work." " Let's go to 728." " And if the spy opens the door?" " We have to take this risk." " I am sick, I am going to puke." "Listen, Jane." "Something terrible has happened." "Please, keep calm." " Who is this woman?" " This is..." "Please, you won't do this to me..." "Listen, this is not what you think." "This is my brother's sister, you know." "A distant relative." "But I don't understand." " And do you love me?" " You know I do." "So it's OK, it is very much OK." "But I still don't understand anything." "Listen, this is a very complex story and I don't have the time to explain." "Take your father to room 645." "There will be a guy there." "You will introduce him to your father as me, Jakub Bazyl." "It is some game." " Well, actually, it's not a game." " Will that be you?" " No." " So who?" " Just a guy." " Do I know him?" "Listen, if you love me, do what I say and things will work themselves out." "Who is there?" "OK so you can stay here under the condition that you do something for me." "Are you staying here with your fiancée?" " I am." " Is this your fiancée?" " Yes and no." " I don't understand." "For Mrs. Hoffman this is my fiancée Jane." "Everything I will say from this moment on must remain secret." "OK?" "OK." "But real Jane will come here soon with her father." "He is going to think that this is my real fiancée." "So if everyone thinks this is your fiancé maybe she really is your fiancée?" "No..." "My fiancée is Jane who will introduce you as me to her father." "Do you follow?" "You will introduce yourself as Jakub Bazyl." "Hello!" "I am not Jakub Bazyl." "But Jane's father doesn't know about it, you see?" "Are you OK?" "We are all here not quite OK." "Do as I say or everything will be revealed." " Everything?" " Everything." "I know everything." "Oh, my God." "Maria told me you knew everything." "I know what Maria told you." "I just know everything." "OK." "So who is Jakub Bazyl?" "Is it important in any way?" "Yes, it is." "It's important because I want to know who I am going to pretend to be." " It's me." " Oh, my God." "Does the father know that you have ears like an elephant?" "Excuse me." "It was highly inappropriate." "I am going to see if they are coming." "He really is crazy." "Is your name Jane?" "Are you English?" "Why are you crying?" "Because I have to stay in a wardrobe or a bathroom all the time." "Everybody must be mad here." "Go to the bathroom immediately!" "Please, go to the bathroom!" "I will be able to hear everything." "Come in!" "So you must be the man who fell for my daughter." "Well, we have to get to know each other." "Daddy, now that you have gotten to know Jakub, can we go?" " Where is your boss?" " Who?" "I would like to get to know doctor Hoffman." "Daddy, the doctor is busy..." "I would like to know when are you in for promotion." "Daddy, the doctor is extremely busy." "He is performing an operation." " Honey, now?" " Yes, he is just transplanting something." " Here in the hotel?" " Let's go, daddy." " He keeps on transplanting incessantly." " No." "If you intend to marry Mr. Bazyl" "I have to know how his boss is going to secure your future." "Daddy, he is an old bore." "Honey, it is inappropriate to speak like that about the boss of your fiancé." "Excuse me, daddy." "I couldn't stop myself." "Let's go now." " This is all so very strange." " Dad!" "I must get to know him." "Work takes up 70% of our life." "Surprise!" "You must be surprised at what I was doing in the bathroom with my wife." "It is a very old Polish custom." "It really is a very strange custom." "When me and my wife learned that you were coming to meet our dear genius, we came here immediately to see if you would accept him as your son in law." "My name is Hoffman, Filip Hoffman." "Haven't we already met downstairs?" "Yes, we have." "I am really surprised." "So am I." "I thought you were older." "I am." "Actually, I am quite old." "In my family everyone looks younger." "You must be very happy that our... your father accepted our dear Jakub." "Yes, I am very happy." "And you will do everything possible for this happiness to last as long as possible." " This may turn out quite difficult." " But not impossible." "I just don't know because all this surpasses my expectations." "Mine as well." "And mine." "Aren't you going to let the person in?" " Me?" " Who else?" " Who is it?" " It's me, open the door." "Are you alone?" " I think I am going to faint." " Maybe I will open." "Who's there." "It's me, Maria." "Excuse me, is this some kind of a TV show?" "Open the door!" "What for?" "What do you mean - what for?" "Someone is knocking." " Who's there?" " It's me, Maria Hoffman." "Hoffman?" "This the doctor's, that is my husband's mother." " Oh, yes, this is my mother." " Your mother?" "It's incredible!" "It really is incredible." "Excuse me, I must have come in a wrong moment." "Quite on the contrary, do come in." "It's nice to meet you." "My name is Williamson and I am Jane's father." "I know, Mr. Bazyl has already told me so." "My God, you look so young." "Do all members of Hoffman family look so good?" "Your son looks young but you look even younger." " Who?" " Your son..." "Me, mother." "May I have a private moment with my son?" " I can't believe I have just said it." " What is going on, mother?" " What did you tell them all?" " I got things mixed up." "This brother of yours... is now me, I am your husband, my fiancée is my wife, and you are now my mother." "I can't be your mother and wife at the same time." "Maybe they won't notice, don't you think?" " So who are you now?" " Doctor..." "Hoffman." " What for?" " Because everything will be revealed otherwise." " And who is this young lady?" " This young..." "Mrs. Williamson's husband's brother's sister, nurse Denis." "Denis... she is also English." "I don't understand." "My son has just explained everything, now I understand." "If it is so I invite you all to lunch." " Now?" " And when do you think?" " We don't feel well." "Worse than bad." " I can't." " Why?" "Because my mother suffers from contagious schizosomatic" "Lyme disease with Larsen syndrome." " This is horrible." " It is truly so, they sprinkled the room with carbolic acid!" " Here in this hotel?" " Yes, in the hotel and a little around it as well." "This isn't contagious I hope?" "No, mother will have a few drinks and she will be just fine." " Do you work in a hospital?" " We all work in a hospital." "It must be a lunatic asylum, I guess." "Are they retarded or what?" "Isn't it getting hot here?" "I just can't stand the heat." " I can't feel anything." " Do you like it?" "Very much so." "Doctor Hoffman would like to see you." " Hoffman?" " Doctor Hoffman." "He can't find some briefcase." " Briefcase?" " Can't you hear me?" "Mr Hoffman?" "Is all your family here?" " Well... it seems, that..." " And your old man as well?" "No, my father is sick." "He contracted something from my dear mother." "Who is sick?" "Thank you very much, that will be all." " Who is sick?" "I will call a doctor." " I am a doctor." " Mr. Hoffman is also a doctor." " Your father is a doctor?" "Actually, he is a veterinarian." "Doctor Hoffman is a neurosurgeon." "But for dogs." "A dog can get nervous too." "It barks, bites, howls." "What are you talking about?" "Actually, I don't have a clue." "What is the matter?" "Mr. Filip Hoffman?" "I am a police inspector from Wroclaw." "Please, don't leave, I would like to talk to you too." "Is "Saab" 222544 standing in the hotel parking your car?" "My car?" "Why does it interest you?" "Please, stop pretending, you were followed!" "Followed?" "My car?" "Did I jump the traffic lights?" "Please, stop joking, somebody took a photograph and sent it to us." "You took a photograph?" "Where?" "When?" " At the scene of the crime." " I need a drink." "What are you babbling about?" "What crime?" "This crime." "Is this supposed to be a proof of some kind?" "This is..." "Please, tell me what this is all about." "Your car took an active part in a bank robbery yesterday in the afternoon." "Someone stole 4 million zloty from the 4-th branch of the National Bank and ran away." " Did you come here yesterday together?" " Yes." " No." " Yes." " Did you check in yesterday?" " Yes." " Yes," " this can be confirmed." "Do so, please." " I checked it and even asked professor Gaszynski." "He confirmed that..." " So everything is clear." " Quite on the contrary, it is even more complicated." "Has anyone come here with you?" "No." "So I will have to arrest you both." " I mean..." "There was someone..." " Who?" "We took my husband's assistant." "He is also from Wroclaw..." "Jakub Bazyl." "Oh, yes." "I have forgotten about him completely." " Where is he now?" " He is having lunch downstairs." "I will check it." "Thank you." "Please, don't leave the hotel." " You robbed a bank!" "?" "!" " I wish." "Who did you come here with?" "What the hell is going on?" "Bazyl." "Pick it up!" "Shit!" "Jakub, something has happened..." "I don't know what." "Come back here by the fire escape." "Don't tell anyone your name." "Do you know what is going on here?" " I just wanted to see the sea." " So go and see it." "I can't leave here, I have already tried thrice." "I have just once." " Do you think we can try again?" " I don't know." " I should not be seen by anyone here." " Why?" " Because I have done something stupid." " What?" "I came here with Mrs. Hoffman." "Welcome to the club!" " The sea is there." " There... is a wide cornice, fire escape..." "and a small ladder..." "Wait, girl." "Why do people come here?" "There is one reason I can think of." "What reason?" "Ah..." "Naturally, to get sun tan as well." "I am wondering where can one get sun tan here?" " Some jack was here." " A jack?" "What did he look like?" " Like Shrek." " What did he come here for?" "He said our car robbed a bank in Wroclaw." "Car robbed a bank?" "But I didn't have anything in common with the robbery, did I?" "Doctor..." "it is not what I think?" "Not at all, I just wanted to warn you." "Should anybody ask you came here yesterday in the evening in our car." "But I came by train..." "Just a minute..." "Why would anyone ask me?" "Because somebody stole 4 million zloty." " Who?" " He thinks it was you." " Me?" "Who thinks it was me?" " That Shrek." "What did you tell him?" "Oh, no, it is some nightmare!" "It may be him." " Come in!" " Excuse me." "I am looking for doctor Hoffman, he left the table because his father did not feel well." " My father did not feel well?" " No, not yours." " Doctor Hoffman's father." " Yes, yes, everything is all right." " I am of quite a contrary opinion." " Who is it?" " Williamson, I am Jane's father." " Nice to meet you." " And you are doctor Hoffman's father?" " Who?" " My husband doesn't feel well." " He will be fine very soon." " We are doing our best." " What is going on here?" "I was looking for Bazyl in the restaurant but he wasn't there." "It's impossible." "I left him there with my daughter." "Maitre said they all went up to his room but there is no one there." "Bazyl is not in Bazyl's room?" "No, he is not." "The door is open and the room is empty." "I must find this bloody money." "This is my job." "My God, the door is open." "Excuse me, please, and so on." "What money?" "This is just a game, a quiz." "A quiz?" "I see you are feeling better now." "I think I might be going." " I will also be going then." " No, you are staying here." " What is going on?" " I think I asked first what was going on here, didn't I?" " What are you doing?" " I am delaying identification." " What for?" " You told me not to tell my name to anyone." "So what do you say?" " That I am not Bazyl at the moment." " And who are you?" " Who!" "?" "!" " Well, you." " Who?" "Me!" "?" "!" "Me!" "?" "!" "It's all because of you!" "You told me to pretend I was Dominika's fiancé." "Quiet!" "Quiet!" "I lost my identity because of you and in a broader context." "I think I am suffering from synaesthesia." "Dad, come here immediately!" "What do you mean where to?" "To Jakub's room..." "Look!" "Don't you think it is a little extravagant?" "Dad, look - a bra, a blouse, stockings." " Ah!" "Maybe he is just beginning..." " What?" "Well... the change..." "Into what?" "Robin Hood in tights?" "You know, we had this colonel back in the army." "Jenkins was his name." "He would regularly change into a dress and come to the mess..." "Are you trying to tell me that Jakub is g... g..." "I just wanted to tell that we have a problem here..." "Dad, he is a simple, common Polish guy." "He is not English..." "He has a flame." " Do you think so?" " Oh, God!" "Dad!" "Is it what you are looking for?" "I came because" "I thought we could get to know each other better and I was not mistaken..." "I think we should be completely honest with each other." "I know about everything." "It would be quite difficult to hide!" "Do you think it shows that much?" "Is this what you deal in these days?" "I know what you have in this briefcase." "I am afraid everything has been revealed." "My God, do you intend to arrest me?" " Who is talking about arrest?" " You are not going to arrest me?" "No." "It's not illegal." " Are you sure it isn't?" " Naturally." "I work for the secret service, I would know what is legal and what isn't." "Shit!" "And if everybody did it, what would happen?" "I guess there are many people who do it, I know a few myself." "Really?" "It's a pity I haven't known it before, I would tell the boys." "You do it with boys?" "Well, I wouldn't be able to handle it on my own, would I?" "I hope this is our last meeting." "So do I. This hotel is full of lunatics." "Maria." "You bitch!" "When I saw you here" "I realized that all my life I had been afraid of this moment." "I have done all I could to avoid it." "You know out of sight out of mind, blah, blah, blah..." " You want divorce." " I will think about it." "No one will give you as much fun as I do." "Do you think that your whores are fun?" "Do you think that when you go to your conventions with those women," "I scream with happiness:" "Oh what fun I have!" "Excuse me, Professor would like to take a look at your paper." "Gentlemen, have a chat and I will be back soon." "I will call my assistant immediately and he will fetch it." "Bogus!" "Listen to me carefully!" "The money is safe in your room." "I had to do it because some jack will search Bazyl's room." " Who is it?" " Shit!" " How could you?" " What is it this time?" " You are staying with a woman!" " What are you talking about?" " I went to your room." " But I am not staying there..." "I have already told you, it's a long story..." "It's all because of the doctor." "He came here with a lover, his wife came here with a lover, they hid in my room, and Professor Gaszynski wants to make him his successor, and this all needs to be kept under wraps." " Do you understand?" " Not really..." "You're talking too fast." " But do you trust me?" " I do." " Why?" " Because I love you." "Hello, well, yes, I am just trying to relax a little." "What's the problem?" "The door..." "is open?" "Well, yes, thank you." "What did he want?" "Nothing, I have to fetch him his paper." "And they say that slavery has been abolished." "Jakub!" "Dad went for a walk and he will be back in sixty-three minutes." "Hurry up!" "Please, leave it there." "This is doctor Hoffman's paper." "What are you?" "Me?" "What are you doing here?" "I came here to see my brother-in-law." " Do you always dress this way?" " Don't you like it?" "Mrs. Hoffman said you were a little weird." "I am not surprised that the doctor cannot tolerate you." " Please, give it back." " No, you won't fuck around with me." "I do not intend to but this..." "this belongs to doctor Hoffman." "Please, give it..." "Get stuffed, you..." "What is going on here?" "Oh, my God!" "This is terrible!" "Please, leave now!" "I did not expect such things from you!" "This is not what you think." "Excuse me but I would never think any such thing..." " And who is this... something?" " This?" "This is a sister... that is a brother..." "a relative of doctor Hoffman's." "We are trying to cure this poor thing." " This cannot be cured." " Medicine can work miracles these days." "Yes, but this is a decent hotel and I will tell it all to doctor Hoffman." "I see you are feeling better now." " I just don't know, this is my husband." " Yes, I know." " This is the gentleman you met upstairs." " Williamson." " Nice to meet you." " Actually, I was just looking for your son." "Whose son?" "I wanted to tell doctor Hoffman that his assistant, that Bazyl, runs around the hotel dressed as a woman." " I don't think he is quite sane." " You think so?" "I don't think, I know." "Dear sir, we military people we can smell such things immediately quite like dogs." "Jane is in despair." "Excuse me, I have to find him." "Who was he talking about?" "Doctor, please tell Mr. Bazyl to stop rolling about with your brother-in-law on the floor of your suite." "Especially as he is dressed up as a woman." " I don't understand." " This is a hotel, not an asylum." "I brought the paper." "And a spare key." "Here you are." "I will be gone now." "Is there something I should know about?" "There is quite a lot, but..." "You seem to know a person and suddenly you discover you just did not know anything about him." "I know the feeling." " You can't give him this paper." " Why?" "Because you worked so hard on it." "What are you talking about?" "You have never shown much interest in my work." "But I am interested in you..." "Too many sacrifices, love that passes us by..." "Honey, Professor just wants to take a look at it." "This isn't the best idea!" "I refuse." "No, please, no!" "You can't!" "My husband has changed his mind." "My wife is going through a nervous breakdown." " My things are there!" " What things?" " Personal." " But this is just my paper." "You were right, this is not my paper." "Jesus, what was my number?" "601?" "No 602?" "You have to come back here!" "This is big money we are talking about..." "Big money, big desperation." "Only you can go to Hoffman's suite." "I beg you, come back." "Honey?" "Are you OK..." "No, no, stay in bed." "Daddy..." "Please, don't be upset!" " In my house!" " This is not your house." "It's a hotel!" " This is even worse!" " This is my fiancé." " This pervert?" " Dad, he is not a pervert, he is my..." " Not any longer." " Daddy, it is not what you think." "After what we have discovered how can you even talk to this rotten French fry!" "Excuse me!" "I love your daughter!" "Doctor Hoffman!" "?" "!" "How dare you seduce your assistant's fiancée!" "?" "!" "Daddy." "This is my fiancé." "This is even worse!" "I am appalled at you." "You have a wife, a father and a son." "But I have no son." "My father has a son." "Daddy!" "Please, stay calm." "I have been thinking a lot..." "Since when have you called thinking what you did here?" "I have been thinking and I will tell you the whole truth." "Jakub is not my fiancé." " I can see this much." " Well, I mean he is but not this Jakub..." "That is this Jakub, but not the other one." "There is something wrong with your thinking." "Oh, Daddy, listen." "When I come back here I expect you to be gone already." "And you may start packing." "We are going back to London!" "Do you know what is in there?" "Because if it doesn't belong to you, and I hope it is so, it means that it belongs to Bazyl." "I have called him up." "He should be here any minute now." "Bazyl wants me to take a suitcase from your suite." "So it is Bazyl after all." "But this is not our Bazyl but the other one." "There is no other Bazyl." "My wife is there, I am going back, and you go to your room and stay there." "Have you got it?" "Is this your suitcase?" "It seems so." "Has anything happened?" "What is inside?" " What?" "You know what." " You think it's normal?" " Well, yes." " How could you do it and bring it here?" " I wanted to help you." " Help me?" "You want to made me your accomplice." "How would I dare?" "This is all your work." "My work?" "It's impossible!" "This is all your work!" "Mine?" "Well, thank you very much." "I have never expected you to give me your paper." "What paper?" "This one." "Please, don't be alarmed." "My husband has just had a nervous breakdown." "There was money there." "A huge pile of money!" " He is overworked." " There was the money." " Honey, why don't take some rest?" " I saw it there..." " Too many conventions." " There was the money." " Come in!" "Good afternoon." "I am very sorry, I am looking for Mr. Bazyl." " He is bowling with his fiancée." " Bowling?" " Yes!" "He likes such... manly sports." " And... who are you?" " Me?" " Yes, you." "Me?" "Mi... ron Zmijewski." "Miron Ryszard Maria Zmijewski." "Why do you keep repeating "me" and "me"?" " I wasn't sure who you were asking about." " What are you doing here?" "I came here to fetch a paper." " Who did you say you were?" "Zmijewski?" " Yes..." "Miron Zmijewski." "We need to talk." "Excuse me." " What are we doing here?" " And what do you think?" "Oh my God, they are coming back!" " What are you doing here?" " Filip, please, be kind to her." "Come in, child." "It must be quite horrible for you..." "Have you learned those terrible things about Jakub?" " My daddy told me all about it." " Your daddy?" " He wanted to call the police." " Dear God, is it necessary?" " Of course not." " But something needs to be done." "One should not write about it in newspapers." " I know everything." " Speak of the devil." "Take Jane with you, everything will be fine." "It won't be fine just by itself." "You need to see a doctor." "What doctor?" "But..." "I am a doctor." "What for?" " To seek help." " And who is ill?" " You are, dear Bazyl." " Why is she crying?" " She has just learned that you are a transvestite." " Me?" "!" "?" " Not me, quite certainly..." "Her father told us that he had seen you running around in a dress." "But it wasn't me." "It was..." " Have you see the black briefcase?" " I have." " Bring it here." "I can't." "There are too many people there." "Do it now!" "They are in the bedroom." "Bring it here." "You killed him!" "He wanted to rob me!" "And why do you care so much for that paper?" "What paper?" "What?" "What is it?" "Where is the money?" "What money?" "Jesus, I can't take it any more." "I just can't take it." "It's all right now, it's all right." "Calm down." "It's all right now." "Where is my jacket?" "I am asking you very kindly, give me back my money." "Or I can get so angry that I can murder you with a paper tissue..." "And I would advice you to run away as quickly as possible!" "A jack will be here soon." "He wants to arrest Bazyl but he will arrest anyone he finds here, you see?" "Especially that you are not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer." " What?" " Never mind." "I am sick." "Let's make some room, help me." "Take him." "I think I have a plan." "When you lie down like that and don't say anything you look quite nice." "Don't talk that much because I am beginning to like you." "Just like in a railway station." "Come in!" "May I?" "I dropped by for a second." "I am quite certain now that your assistant abused your confidence." "He robbed the 4th branch of the National Bank, took the money, and as he had known that you were driving to Sopot with your wife, he arranged to meet you in Swidnicka Street." "This is where a young man was seen getting into your car." "Bazyl... is dead." " What do you mean he is dead?" " He jumped out of the window." "Dear Lord, is he lying in the street?" "No, he crawled back through the fire escape and he is now in his room." "What do you mean he crawled back?" "That's the way they do it in Potsdam region." "I have never heard about it..." "This is the Potsdam way of dealing with the matter." " I am shocked." " Well, it must have been quite unpleasant." "Oh, yes." "He crawled back through the fire escape." "We must see him." "I can't, I am allergic to corpses." "How is it possible?" " You are getting better and better." " I have perfect role models." "Is he very much flattened?" "Not that much, mostly upper regions above the torso." "This isn't exactly a very pleasant view." " Oh my God, gentlemen!" " It isn't that bad." "Yes, it's him." " Did you know Bazyl?" " I did not but I am very perceptive." "I saw this man, I followed him recently on Facebook." "We must contact his fiancée." "She may know something more." " Fiancée?" "Is it necessary?" " Yes, it is." " Well..." "Are you Mr. Bazyl's fiancée?" "Naturally, I knew there would be trouble with this pervert." "Mr. Bazyl is suspected of participation in a bank robbery." " Oh my God, what else!" " Do you know anything about it?" "Dear sir, my daughter knows nothing about it whatsoever." "Had she known it, she would never speak to this pervert." "Dear sir, this is really some misunderstanding." "I must talk to him." "This must be some lie." "You see." "You see what you have done?" "He is in state of shock!" " Doctor, it isn't true?" "Is it?" " Truth is a most subjective concept." " But I must see him!" " I am afraid it is not possible." " Is he arrested?" " It is worse." "He has passed away." " What do you mean passed away?" " He is dead." " It's impossible." " He jumped out of the window." " When?" " Today." "Oh my God..." "Please, sit down." "I feel sick..." "I want to throw up..." " Some cognac?" " Oh, yes." "I will go fetch some cognac." "We all need a stiff drink." "I have a strange feeling this is not going to end soon." "Bogus..." "Keep calm and listen." "The money is back in Filip's suitcase." "I am leaving the suitcase in Bazyl's room." "Do you understand?" "Where are you?" "Come here immediately!" "He was so young and so talented." "We must notify the authorities." "Don't worry, you will find another one." "How can you talk like that?" "What happened?" " She knows about everything." " We will have to perform autopsy." " But it's not... necessary." " I have to notify the authorities." "But it's impossible!" "This is the standard procedure in such cases." " You can't!" " Why?" " His religion does not allow it." " What religion?" "He was a..." " Hussite." " Hussite?" " They can't cut him up." " Why not?" "He was an exceptional toady." " Where have you been?" " I don't know." "What are you talking about?" "Are you OK?" "Have you got the paper?" "I do." "Jesus, will you calm down?" "The minister is looking here..." "I will introduce you." "And after the paper I will join you and announce you as my..." "Lord have mercy on us..." "my successor." "Who are you?" "What are you doing here?" " Where is it?" " What?" "Watch out, baby doll, I have a shooter." " A shooter?" " A gun, you idiot." "Please, keep this monster out of sight or someone may get hurt." "Oh no, come back here." "Where is it?" "Where?" "At your age a man should know where it is!" "I can't believe my eyes!" "It is not what you think." "So this is your romantic lover?" " What are you looking for?" " I have misplaced my gun." "Do you love her or are you only after her money?" " So she does have the money?" " Of course, she does." "I knew you would try to swindle us." "I told him it was a risky business." " Who did you tell it?" " Bogus, but he insisted it would be the safest way." "So you had it all planned?" "I was supposed to keep the money for you?" "You thought that idiot could rob a bank?" "He wouldn't be able to rob a grocery store." "What a rascal, fraud, scoundrel." "Tell him what I said when you see him." "Am I interrupting something?" "No, not now..." "Yes." "Oh, it is you?" "You scoundrel!" "Jane will be here soon." "Please, give her the suitcase." "This isn't the best idea." "You son of a bitch!" "What isn't the best idea?" "Who is a son of a bitch?" "The director wants to come here." "He is a little inquisitive but you have really overreacted." "I see we have to speed things up." "Come in!" "My wife has a love affair with this troglodyte who is only after her money." " Isn't it pathetic?" " Pathetic, pathetic!" "What have you been doing these twenty years?" "Don't listen to him, it's not true." "I don't even know this guy." "You don't have to pretend." "You came here with your lover." "So I have the right to be here with a lover as well." "This is my lover." "You don't have to take your revenge on me in such a pathetic manner." " This is my lover." " This is Jane, Bazyl's fiancée." "It's good that you are here." "Who is it?" "It is Jane." "My... my fiancée..." " And what are you doing here?" " I am standing." "You don't have to pretend a despairing lover." "I would forget it completely..." "Zmijewski is back among the living and..." "He took your paper." " Who is alive again?" " What does he need my paper for?" "He intends to present it as his own, and Professor Gaszynski will make him his fiancé... that is his successor." "I did tell he needed an autopsy." "We shall start from the inaugural paper on aphasia." "Doctor Ryszard Zmijewski." "Just a moment!" "Wait, please." "This is not fair, dear colleague." "Give it back." "This is my briefcase." " No, it's mine!" " Mine!" "You stole it from my suite!" "Zmijewski, is it true?" "Jakub, tell them who brought this bag." "I did." "So you confirm this is your bag?" " I do." " So it was you!" "Nobody moves!" "The game is over!" " So this is your bag?" "!" " Yes, it is." " What is in the bag?" " A paper." "It must be a very good paper then." " Have you got it?" " No." " Why?" " Because somebody stole it." " Who?" "I don't know, some Zmijewski who allegedly rose from the dead." " Mr. Zmijewski, did you steal the bag?" " Yes, I did." "So everything is clear." "He pretended to be dead in order to mislead the police." "How could you do something so mean?" "And you?" "I have worked so many years for you?" " I stole it and it is mine!" " Holy crap, whose bag is this?" "Mine!" "I have worked on it for too long." "Did you have a good time?" "So so..." "The Cracow convention was better." "The Cracow convention was much more funny." "The assistant was better." "That Bazyl of yours did not quite come up to our expectations." "Mummy is never really pleased." "I got it wrong again!"