"Hey, can I get two of your cheapest beers?" "Yeah, you bet. $17.50." " $17.50?" " Mm-hmm." " Holy shit." " Tim, don't embarrass me." " Me?" "I don't ever embarrass anyone." " Just give me your wallet." "What are you doing?" "Hey hey!" "There goes the money." "I'm going outside to use the phone." "I am paying in protest." "Keep that in mind." "Here you go, $2.50 change." " All right." " Whoa whoa whoa whoa!" " What was that?" " I tipped you." "Did you just put a dollar on top of somebody else's tip so it would look like you left more?" "No, I gave you a generous tip." "A- ba-ba." "I'll take care of that, Jay." " Oh no, don't pay for me." " Relax, Fancy." " No one's trying to get in your pants." " Fancy?" "How you doing?" "I'm B.J. Dr. B.J., actually." "I'm a physician." " Dr. B.J." " Like to get 'em, don't like to give 'em." "That's kind of my catchphrase." "As a physician, that's your catchphrase?" "Yeah." "I need a favor, my friend." " See those two girls over there?" " Yeah." "I am going to be inside those ladies within one hour's time, but I need your help." "I was not comfortable earlier." "Now I'm really not comfortable." "I want those women to know I'm a doctor, but I don't want to just come out and say it." "So I need you to go over there and fall down." " Fall down?" " Pretend to have a heart attack." " Have a seizure." " No." "Somebody will yell for a doctor." "I revive you, cut to... and I don't want to give you too much a visual... my wiener, their mouths." " You know what I need?" " What?" "If you're a doctor, I could use some free medical advice." " Done." " I don't have insurance." " Great." " I've got abdominal pains" " that are driving me crazy." " I will fucking murder those pains." "I still think you're getting the better end of this deal." "I'm gonna be in the better end of those deals." " You know what I'm saying?" " You're quick with those." "Do you think these shoes make me look fat?" " Oh my God, no way." " I feel like a house." "Totally looks like you have really strong calves." " Love 'em." " Oh boy." "Yeah, it's gonna be the best party ever." " All right, all right." "Not cool, bro." " What?" "You're a real freak-o tweak-o, aren't you?" " Like coming into bars..." " No, they were gonna help staring at ladies, making moaning sounds." "I'm having a medical emergency." " Wait, is something wrong with you?" " Oh my God!" " Oh my God." " Somebody call an ambulance." " Is anyone here a doctor?" " It's okay, I'm here." " Thank God." " Look at me." " Thank God." " I'm a very successful doctor." " Oh, whew." " Just hang in there, little fella." " You having trouble breathing?" " A little bit." "Does it feel like someone's squeezing your heart" " from inside your chest?" " Yes, good diagnosis." "All right, everybody, ladies, this guy's fine." "He's just having a little bit of an anxiety attack." " What?" " Probably doesn't talk to girls too much." " What's going on here?" " Probably never been around women as busty and beautiful as you two ladies." " Oh my God, thank you." " All right, thanks for the help." "Somebody drag him into the bathroom." " Get him a Sprite." "He's gonna be fine." " What?" " Probably just got a little too excited." " I'm on it." " I'm all about helping the weak." " Me too." "That's why I went to school for eight years." " Wow." " You know what I did today?" " What?" " Brought a baby into this world." "Oh my God." "I love babies." " I pulled it from its mother's womb..." " Oh my God!" " ... and I gave it life." " Oh my God!" "I can't believe you're actually going to see Dr. B.J." "My stomach really hurts, I got to say." "I mean, he's all the way in Jersey." "Well, I don't have health insurance, you know?" " I got very few options." " Wait, what?" "Yeah, I don't have health insurance or any kind of retirement plan or a checking account." "I thought you knew all that." " What if you get sick?" " Honestly, I figured one day if we get married I'll hop on your plan." " Wait a second." " What?" "The first time you ever say anything about marriage and it's because you want my health benefits?" "It's romantic that I brought it up." "I was waiting for the right time and this seemed like I'd slip it in." "You should want to marry me to marry me, not just to hop on my plan." "I don't want to hop on anyone's plan." "I want to hop on you for life, right?" " As my lady." " So this is how you would propose?" "Dear Amy, I want to hop on you..." " Oh my God." " ... and your insurance plan." "If I phrase it like that, I wouldn't blame you for saying no." "Whatever." "Just be back by 7:00." " We're having dinner with my sister." " All right, I'll be back." "I'm just going over to Jersey." "It's right there." "North Jersey really covers a wide area, doesn't it?" "How much longer do you think?" "Oh, don't worry, honey." "You're next." "I've been next for an hour and three minutes." "Yeah, he's got a very important meeting." "It's obviously running a little long." " Thank you so much for talking to me." " Thank you so much." " Are you kidding?" " I just wish I had more time to talk to you about the benefits of Xymadisil." "Oh, so do I. You might have to come back and tell me about those clinical trials and if those people keep dying." "What's going on here?" " I just hope it made you think about the..." " Zup." " The... about..." "Xymadisil." " Oh... me... zup." " You are so bad." " Should I start walking into the room?" "You should be punished for pushing these samples on me." "You should be punished for trying to be so silly." "I'd like to punish you for silliness." "You're silly." "Tickle fight." " Stop it!" " Hey." " Stop it." " Hey, it's time for Tim." " Oh." " I'm sorry." " Hey, Fancy." " Hey, it's me." " No, Tim." "Tim." " Fancy Tim." " Don't call me that." " It's good to see you." "What's wrong?" "Remember I said abdominal pain?" "You were gonna check it out." "Oh, right right." "Let's get you in here." "Tummyache." " Hey, Dr. B.J." " Kelly." " What's happening?" " Tell me everything." " I wonder if I might have a word with you..." " You might have a million." "...about a very promising new set of studies concerning Exonerol." " Studies are my vice." " Tim's on deck here." "Tim's on deck." " What are you wearing?" " Just a little bustier underneath a blazer." "All right, Kelly, get in there." " Oh my God." " Fancy, I'm really sorry about this, but this is important." "I'll be back in a minute." " 10 minutes?" "Five minutes?" " I'll be back in a minute." " Should I ring the bell?" " I see you." " I can see you." " Well, Doctor," "Exonerol and I look forward to doing more business with you." "I think I might need to see a little more research." "Oh?" "Do you want me to come back later?" "No, I actually need to see more convincing clinical research before I feel comfortable prescribing this to my patients." "Are you kidding me?" "After all of that you're not gonna buy this drug?" "You have seizures as a side effect." "I hate to interrupt the business transaction here, but I have a 7:00 P.M. dinner back in New York." "Are you kidding right now?" "Mommy and Daddy are talking." " I have dinner." " Okay, fine." " What are your symptoms?" " Shouldn't we get me up" " on the bench or something?" " No no." "Let's go in the room." "Let's go in the private room." "I don't need to go in the room." "Thought you were in a hurry, man." " Bloated, gassy stomach." " Any blood in your B.M.s?" " Oh God." " No." " Have you had a hurty poo?" " You're the worst doctor." " How old are you?" " 25." "Time for your diagnosis." "You're 25, you're fine." "Nothing can be wrong with you when you're 25." " You're 25, you're fine?" " Yeah, and a pussy." "Can I tell you something?" "You're wasting your time with this asshole." " I'm not an asshole." " He lies to people." " I don't." " He does." "I frankly question whether or not he's a real doctor." " I'm out of here." " Thank you, that's what I was thinking." "Do you need a ride back to New York?" "You seem like a really nice guy." "That's actually fantastic." " Wow, this is a nice car." " Oh, thanks." "Should you be taking those while you drive?" "I'm sorry, that was rude." "Do you want one?" " Me?" " Yeah, for your abdomen." " Oh, you were listening?" " Yeah, no, I was worried about you." "And Exonerol... don't be worried because it's a very mild drug... it's a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor or S.S.I. used to treat pain, depression, anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorders, certain eating disorders and premenstrual dysphoric disorder." "Wow, who needs a doctor?" " Yeah, right?" " We got Kelly." "Plus, doctors don't give you presents." "What?" " Presents?" " One free Exonerol T-shirt." " I love it." " And, are you ready for this?" " A limited edition Exonerol iPod Nano." " Really?" "Most of the songs on this Nano are Dave Matthews." " You like him?" " Yeah, I love him." "So tell me more." "You always interested in medicine?" "I wasn't." "I actually used to be a dancer." "What kind of dance?" "I actually used to dance at a place in South Jersey." " It's called Chicky's Wing House." " Oh." "Great wings, and then there's a bar where they serve them and I would get on the bar and dance." "How did that springboard you into the medical field?" "Funny story, Tim." "So I was doing my wing dance and a gentleman reaches up and he grabbed my ass really hard and he said, "With an ass like that you should be working at my drug company. "" "That was a great story." "Yeah, and that's the windy way life brings you." "One day you're dancing on wings and the next you're selling pills." "Don't worry, Tim." "You're gonna figure your shit out." "Your phone is ringing there." "It's B.J. I'm gonna answer." "I'll put it on speaker." "It'll be fun." "Hello?" " Where's my car, Kelly?" " Tim and I are driving it right now." " What?" " His car?" " We're halfway to New York." " You guys stole my car." " No no, we didn't steal." " Oh yes, we did." "What the hell is this about, Kelly?" "Is this about Exonerol?" "All I had was concerns about the methodology of the trials, okay?" "Maybe you should have thought about that before you fucked me." "That didn't have anything to do with Exonerol!" "That was because you have hot tits." "When you fuck me, you fuck Exonerol." "This drug is who I am." "Well, then Exonerol is boring." "Exonerol just sits there and does nothing." "I don't need to hear all this." "Being fucked by you felt like getting stuffed inside with a soft croissant." "If you want to take it off speaker, that's fine with me." " No, you need to hear this." " I need you to hear this." "This is life." " Oh my God." " You got problems, big time problems." "I knew it when I met you at the strip club." "I knew it when I met you on the street that time when you gave me cocaine." " He's got a good point." " You're never gonna have to see me again." " Great." " Or Tim." " Fantastic." " Or your car." "Because we are driving it off the G.W. Bridge." " Isn't that right, Tim?" " No no." "We're taking the tunnel." " Tim, up top." " I'm not high-fiving about suicide." "If I never see the two of you again and it costs me a car," " worth it." " Fine." "Goodbye." " Goodbye." "Click." " See you underwater." " Goodbye." " Click." " Give me the keys." "Give me your license." " Absolutely not." "We are driving off this bridge, Tim, Thelma and Louise style." "You and me, two sisters bonded." " Watch the road." " Fuck you!" "These drivers are the worst." "If you're gonna kill yourself, you could just pull over and you could..." " And what?" " You got a bucket full of Exonerol." " O.D. on pills?" " Yeah." "No, we're going out in style." "Remember what I said earlier?" "Your life takes you different pathways." "This is yours." "This is my guy-grabbing-my-ass- at-a-wings-place moment?" "Exactly." "Savor it, Tim." "Savor it." "Good afternoon." "Hello there." "This is Carol with OnStar." " Hi, Carol." " Carol, you need to save my life." "I just wanted to let you know that the car you're driving" " has been reported as stolen." " Yes!" "And OnStar has been authorized to immobilize the vehicle." " Do it!" "Take us out." " Not a chance, bitch." "Now before I go ahead and stop the car, do you have time for just a quick survey?" " No, we're about to die." " Move it, dickhead!" "How satisfied were you with your OnStar experience today?" "On a scale of one to 10 with one being not at all satisfied..." " Oh my God." "Carol!" " ... and 10 being extremely satisfied..." " Moderately!" " I'd appreciate all 10s." "Tim, do you want upper level or lower level?" " Somewhat satisfied." " Upper level or lower to die?" " Carol, we're gonna die here." " Go ahead and say 10." " 10." " Okay, we going upper." "Good idea, Tim." " And again, my name is Carol." " Immobilize." " I hope you have a great day." " Hold my hand, Louise!" "Whoo-hooo!" "Fuck!" "Carol." "Carol saved the day." " Oh, that was..." " That was something else." "That was something else." "We almost drove off the G.W. Bridge, Tim." " We did." " You know what else was something else?" "The fact that you suggested I kill myself." "No no, I just said why not kill yourself and not me too?" " How selfish is that?" " No no." "I'm done with it, Tim, and I'm done with you." " I'm starting my life over, all right?" " Yeah." "But not if I get caught in this mess." "This is the plan." "I saw a guy do it once on "Cops. "" "That's not how good plans come to life." "We're both gonna get out the passenger side door, that way they can't prove who was actually driving." " No, I don't agree to this." " I'm going over you." " Off off, easy." " Watch your hands!" "Tim, the time for making a pass at me has long since passed." " What are you doing?" " Stop grabbing me." " Uh-oh." " Ooops." "All right, which one of you was operating the vehicle?" " He was." " Her." "Are you kidding?" "You think I'm stupid?" " I wasn't driving." " Officer, if I could interrupt." "I am a medical professional." " I should really go see if anyone is hurt." " Really?" " It's the Hippocratic Oath." " You're a medical professional?" " Yes." " I believe you." " Take care, Tim." " She's not really a medical professional." "She used to dance at Chippy's Chicken Shack." "Chicky's Wing House, asshole!" "Now let me ask you a question." "Are you fucked up?" " Are you on drugs?" " You got the wrong idea." " What's all this by your feet, huh?" " Exonerol." " Like the word on your shirt." " It was a gift." "You keep these in your shoes?" "You one of those?" " Does anyone need medical attention?" " Uh, you know what?" "While you're here, yeah, I do." "I need medical help, if it's not too much trouble." "All right, boys, we got one!" "Let's move it." "Let's go." "Let's get him on the gurney." "I want his neck stabilized." "Get me a drip going." " 400cc." " Nice." "Whoops." "Okay, here we go." "Walk me through it, sir." "Tell me exactly what happened." "Got a weird bloated feeling." "Little gassy, you know?" " Constipated, sir?" " Yeah, you could say that." "Ex-lax, sir." "Not a helicopter," " Ex-lax is what I would tell you to take." " All right." " Hope you have good insurance." " Yeah?" "Every time we land the chopper it's $15,000." ""Beverly Hills Cop" shower." "Hey, buddy, you don't see a duffle bag floating around out there, do you?" "The only bag I see is like a douche." "Your face is a douchebag." "Wow, you're like the Don Rickles of meatheads, huh?" "If you look at my cock, I will pound your face." "This is why I don't work out." "That was a great brunch." "I'm stuffed." "That was good." "Your friend was a little annoying," " but a good place." " Wait a second." " Don't tell me you screwed up." " You forgot to shut the door?" "Don't tell me Amy forgot to lock it." " Tim." " Stay close." " You want to get in front of me?" " No." " Hey." " Oh, hey, man." " Do we know you?" " My name is Doug." " Now you know me." " Are you robbing us?" " And you are?" " What are you doing in our apartment?" "I was just trying on your Topsiders." " But you know what?" " What?" "I realize I shouldn't be here right now," " so I'm just gonna put down these shoes." " We're calling the police." " You're gonna stay there." " He's getting up." "Hold on." "I'm gonna borrow these DVDs and this toaster oven." " Tim, do something." " What am I gonna do?" " Tackle him." " Wait, whoa." " I don't tackle people." " Something." " He's intruding in your home." " Don't do anything like that." " You can't come up with something to do?" " Technically I'm your guest." "Ow!" "Oh my God!" " Ow, my fucking eye." " You happy?" " What was that, a blueberry muffin?" " It was." " You asshole." " You want me to throw a scone at you?" "No, leave me alone." " A muffin?" " Just protecting my family." "You should have a lesson on how to treat guests." " You're not a guest." " Yes, I am." "I am a guest." "You don't know how to be a fucking host." " Oh God." " What kind of robbery is this?" "Come on, man." "You're hurting my face." "Shut up, you yuppie scumbag." "Thank you so much for taking care of this, Officer." " No problem." " I know I did the legwork apprehending him, but thanks for taking over." "Breaking and entering is a serious crime and you could go to jail for two years." "Whoa whoa." "Hold on." "I didn't break or enter." "What are you talking about?" "I have the keys in my front pocket." "What's this?" "I got the keys from their friend that I met at the gym who likes to wear this shirt." " He gave them to me." " Oh boy." "What is our address doing on these?" "I have a feeling you're about to be unhappy with me." " I gave Stu a set of keys." " That's his name..." "Stu." " Good old Stu." " And you wrote our address" " on the set of keys?" " Mmm, a lot of mistakes." "Two mistakes." "Okay, well, no matter what, we want to press charges." " No can do." " What?" " You're a cop." "Arrest him." " No." "There was no forcible entry." "So it may be awkward, but it's not against the law once you have the keys." "No, you've got to arrest the guy obviously." "Look, do you see these hands?" "What are you doing?" " You don't get it?" " No." " They're tied." "Come on." " I got it." " Are you being cute?" " I got it from the get-go." " You're not gonna do anything?" " I can't." "Legally Doug here can help himself to whatever's in the fridge and use the facilities." " No, he can't." " Really?" "You take a piss, a dump." "Take a bath." "You have full access" " once you have the keys." " Ooh, a bath." " What kind of cop are you?" " This is insane!" "Can I sleep in their bed?" " Legally you could do anything here." " Awesome." " Wow, that is creepy." " Isn't it?" "Finding a dude in your apartment sniffing at your panties?" "He didn't do that." "We have no verification of that happening." "He got in there, went right for the underwear drawer." " Don't... don't talk." " Buried his face in those..." " You're gross." "And you're retarded." " Excuse me?" "Why did you have our keys in your stupid gym bag?" " You don't even work out." " I do work out, Amy." "Let's just relax." "You got to lay off the wine." "We could have been, like, murdered to death." "You guys are idiots." "Mom, hi." "It was horrible." "Wow, she's like a Lifetime special right now." " Drunk, belligerent Amy." " She is like my father." "What are you wearing, by the way?" " This?" "You like my yellow suit?" " I don't." " It's from the gym." " Oh boy." "Did I tell you that 90%%% of my wardrobe is stolen either from my brother or random duffles at the gym?" " Lot of theft going on at that gym." " Yeah." "They should get some kind of locker system." " Like lockers?" " Oh, here she comes." " I feel so much better." " Nice." "She always says the right thing." "What did she say?" "Trust Tim?" "She just said, "Get a gun, sweetie." "And next time you just go ahead and shoot the cocksucker. "" " Your mom said that?" " Yeah." "Moms don't say cocksucker." "Very few of them do." "If we have a gun in the house, we have nothing to be afraid of." "We're not getting a gun." "I'm the man of the house here." " Come on." " Didn't I protect you?" "Oh, with a blueberry muffin?" "In the right hands, a blueberry muffin can kill." "This is kind of a low-end gun shop." " It looks fine." "Just ring the bell." " All right." " Oh shit." " Isn't that dinger a hoot?" " No." " It's like a gun." " How can I help you two?" " We're here to buy a gun." "You have come to the right place." "What kind of gun do you want?" "How big?" "What are you trying to take down?" "An intruder." "A murderer." " An intruder/murderer gun?" " Slash rapist." "Honestly, we're not even gonna ever shoot the thing." " It's just for peace of mind." " Oh." "Something to put in the closet and know it's there." "A decorative gun that could also kill a large man." " Well said." " All right." "I'm just gonna need your driver's license to do a background check and I will give you your rapist gun, little lady." " Perfect." " Seems a little easy." " Oh-oh." " What's wrong?" "The computer says you were convicted of a felony in college." " Knife fight?" " You were in a knife fight?" " That was a felony?" " Who am I dating?" " It was a game." " Wait, hold on." " You said this felony was a game?" " Well, yeah." "Like a sorority slumber party kind of stabbing game?" " Larry!" " Exactly." "It sounds hilarious." " There's a way to do this." " Holy shit." "You could buy the gun and then just give it to her." " I don't want it in my name." " Just give me any name." "It doesn't have to be your name." "Who said it had to be your name?" "That's all the state of New York requires?" "As far as I know it is all the state of New York requires." "Sam..." "Sam..." " Sam Sanchez." " Yes." "Sam Sam Sanchez." "And look at that." "We're in." "Clean as a whistle." "You kids are on your way to gunland." "This does not make me feel good about the way guns are sold." "Well well well, it is now official." " You are a gun-toting liberal." " No, it's just a little gun." "Did I hear that somebody here is a gun owner now?" " Is this you?" " Technically, yeah." " Welcome to the club, my friend." " Don't welcome me just yet." " You own a gun?" " I grew up around guns." "I shot a chipmunk in the belly when I was six years old." " I've just been hooked on guns ever since." " That's awful." "If you ever want a shooting partner..." "No, I don't ever plan on pulling the trigger." "My girlfriend wanted it." " You think you're never gonna shoot it?" " Never." "Trust me, if you've got a gun in your nightstand calling to you, you're gonna get curious." "You're gonna go up to your roof and start shooting pigeons just for fun." "Shooting them out of the air like I'm doing all the time." " No." " It's great." "You're gonna start kicking doors down and rolling in there and going, "Sorry!" I do that sometimes." "Coming up on the "News at 11:00":" "A man found dead in the Bronx;" "Plus a rapist on the loose in Yonkers;" "And a rapist on the loose in Central Park." "Let's get into it." "Let's go to Jeanette Maslin who's on the scene." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Oh, fuck fuck fuck." "No!" "Hey, what are you doing down there, Bashko?" " Oh, Tim." " Oh my God, you're bleeding!" "I was changing the lock to the apartment and then someone shot my foot." " Who?" "Who shot you?" " I don't fucking know." "Where did the bullet come from?" " From your apartment." " Oh my God." " Oh, God." " Amy, I'm coming for you." "Ouch!" "I can't believe I shot my boyfriend." " You shot me." " And me." " Don't forget about this fact of me." " And Bashko." "I don't know what to say." "I just am... so fucking sorry." " Language." " Yeah, the language, the shooting..." "It's not ladylike." "This is not ladylike." "Sorry." "I'm just so upset." "I hate to say I told you so, but guess who told you so?" " Don't be so hard on her, man." " Who are you?" "I'm the nurse." "At least she didn't bite your dick off." " What?" " I mean, Johnsonless... could've been you." "That's a weird thing for a nurse to say." " It's a good point." " Amy, we're getting rid of the gun." " But what if..." " No, no "what if. "" " We're getting rid of the gun." " But there's always..." "Gun gone." "Gun out." "Okay, fine." "I kind of like this..." "you taking charge." "It's already making me feel safer." "If you guys want to do it, I will pull the curtain closed." "But I will listen." "You want to know why I posed as a mariachi player at your wedding?" " Yes." " Jean, I may not really be Mexican, but do you know what is real?" "My love for you." "Really, Juan?" "I love you too." "My name's not Juan, by the way." "It's Toby." " That was nice." " Oh, that was great." "Should we get a drink or something?" "Sure." "Let me run back inside and go to the bathroom." " Okay." " Could you hold on to this for me?" " What the hell is in there?" " I'll just take it." "Wait, no." "Give me that." "What?" "You are one crazy lunatic, aren't you?" " What do you mean?" " You said you were getting rid of it." "We might have needed it tonight." "You need a gun at a romantic comedy?" " You never know." " You don't feel safe with me?" "You don't look at me as a human gun?" "Okay, all right." "Give me the gun." " You talking to us?" " Shut up, give me the gun, give me your purse, give me your wallet." " Don't make me do it." " Don't make you do what?" " What are you gonna do?" " You can only push a guy so far." "That's why I'm gonna politely say, "Why don't you step down, cocksucker?" "!"" " Oh God." " Why are you laughing?" " That was funny." " If you didn't hear me," "I'd like you to just step the fuck back." "Tim." "I don't have any more clever phrases for you." "What am I missing here?" "Listen, you just went to see a movie called" ""You're the Juan that I Want. "" "People like you don't shoot people." " Here it comes." " I'm very slowly taking the gun..." " Know what a bullet feels like?" " ... out of your hand." "And now it's my gun." "Now it belongs to me." " Now he has the gun." " He caught me by surprise." " Can you please give me your purse?" " Unbelievable." " That was embarrassing." " It wasn't embarrassing, it was dramatic." " It was embarrassing for you, man." " It was a standoff." " Standoff's aren't embarrassing." " I'm gonna get out of here." "My mom's cooking me dinner." "Is it just me or is it ironic that the muffin was a better crime deterrent than the gun?"