"Dolly:" "Mrs. Dolly Levi..." "Dolly:" "Social introductions arranged..." "Woman:..." "In an atmosphere of elegance and refinement." "Woman:" ""Object- matrimony. "" "Business trip or pleasure trip, Mrs. Levi?" "Mr. Jones, with me, business is always a pleasure." "You've got more businesses than a dog has fleas." "As my late husband Ephraim used to say, if you have to live from hand to mouth, you'd better be ambidextrous." "Ha ha ha!" "Where to, Dolly?" "Yonkers, to handle a highly personal matter for Mr. Horace Vandergelder, the well-known, unmarried half-a-millionaire." "Gonna marry him yourself, Dolly?" "Whatever put such a preposterous idea into my head" "Your head." "Oh!" "Don't be ashamed, girls." "Life is full of secrets, and I keep 'em!" "I've told you a thousand times that I will marry her!" "Not without my permission you won't!" "This is a free country!" "She's consented and I'm going to marry her!" "I'm telling you that you will not!" "And I'm telling you I will!" "Never!" "Tomorrow!" "Today!" "Ermengarde's not for you nor anybody else... who can't support her." "You are an artist!" "I make a very good living!" "A living's made by selling something everybody needs at least once a year, and a million is made by producing something everybody needs every single day." "You artists, you painters, produce nothing that nobody needs never!" "You might as well know, any way we find to get married is right and fair, and we'll do it!" "You are an impractical, 7- foot-tall nincompoop!" "That's an insult!" "All facts about you are insults!" "Thank you for the honor of your visit!" "Ermengarde's of age." "There's no law" "Law?" "!" "Let me tell you something." "The law's there to prevent crime." "We men of sense are there to prevent foolishness." "I, not the law, will prevent you from marrying my niece!" "I've already taken the necessary steps." "Mrs. Dolly Levi's on her way here now." "Dolly Levi- your marriage broker?" "She's going to take Ermengarde to New York" "New York?" "Yes!" "And keep her there until this foolishness is out of her head and yours." "We'll see about that!" "Thank you again for the honor of your visit and good morning!" "You'll have to sit still, Mr. Vandergelder." "If I cut your throat, it'll be practically unintentional." "Ah, 90% of people are fools, and the rest of us are in great danger of contamination." "Enough!" "I'm a busy man with things to do." "A scraped chin is the least of them!" "I did the best I could, Mr. Vandergelder." "Joe?" "Yes?" "I've got special reasons for looking my best today." "Is there something extra you can do" "Something a little special?" "What?" "Those things you do to the young fellows." "Smarten me up a little bit." "You know, face massage, little perfume water." "All I know is, 15 cents worth, like usual." "That includes everything that's decent to do to a man." "I don't want you blabbing this at the barber shop, but I need something extra today because I'm going to New York to call on a refined lady- name of Miss Irene Molloy." "Your calling on ladies is none of my business." "Hold your horses,Joe!" "Uncle Horace!" "Uncle Horace!" "What, Ermengarde?" "What have you done to Ambrose?" "I had a quiet little talk with him." "You did?" "Yes." "I explained to him that he's a fool." "Oh, Uncle!" "Weeping, weeping- a waste of water." "I've done you a good turn." "'ou'll come thank me when you're 5(" "But, Uncle, I love him." "Save your tears for New York where they won't be noticed." "But I love him!" "I tell you that you don't!" "Leave those things to me." "If I don't marry Ambrose," "I'll die of a broken heart!" "Never heard of it." "Are you ready for Mrs. Levi?" "Yes." "Well, stay in your room until she arrives." "Cornelius!" "Barnaby!" "Barnaby!" "Cornelius!" "Barnaby!" "You stamped, Mr. Vandergelder?" "Yes, I stamped." "Are my niece's bags at the railroad station?" "Yes, Mr. Vandergelder." "And you, did you label them properly?" "Yes, Mr. Vandergelder." "Good." "Look, I'm going to New York today." "I'll be marching in the 14th Street parade." "Yes, Mr. Vandergelder." "I'm staying overnight at the Central Hotel." "We've never been here alone." "In honor of the occasion," "I'm going to promote you both." "Cornelius, how old are you?" "283/4, Mr. Vandergelder." "Is that all?" "That's a foolish age to be at." "I thought you were 40." "No." "I'm 283/4." "Man's not worth a cent until he's 40." "We pay him until then to make mistakes." "Anyway, you're promoted to chief clerk." "Chief clerk?" "What am I now?" "You're an impertinent fool!" "If you behave yourself, I'll promote you from impertinent fool to chief clerk with a raise in your wages." "Oh, thank you, Mr. Vandergelder." "You, Barnaby," "I'm promoting you from idiot apprentice to incompetent clerk." "Thank you, Mr. Vandergelder." "Mr. Vandergelder?" "Mr. Vandergelder?" "What is it?" "Does a chief clerk get one evening off a week?" "So that's the way you thank me, eh?" "No, sir!" "You'll attend to the store as usual!" "An evening free." "Keep asking for evenings free, and you'll find yourself with your days free." "Remember that." "Yes, Mr. Vandergelder." "Listen I want you to run the place perfectly in my absence." "If I hear of foolishness, I'll discharge you both." "You might as well know now, when I return from New York, there'll be some changes around here." "Changes?" "Yes, you're going to have a mistress." "I'm too young, Mr. Vandergelder." "Not yours, idiot." "Mine." "I mean I'm planning to get married." "Married?" "Any objections?" "No, but" "Many congratulations, Mr. Vandergelder, and to the lady, too." "That's none of your business!" "Any further questions?" "No, but" "But why what?" "Speak up!" "What?" "Why?" "Why what, damn it?" "!" "Why are you getting married?" "Let me tell you something, son." "I've worked hard, and I've become rich... and friendless and mean." "In America, that's about as far as you can go." "It's time to be doing something a little bit foolish." "Besides, I need a steady housekeeper." "Well, well, well, well, well." "Good morning, Mr. Vandergelder," "Mr. Hackl," "Mr. Tucker." "Gentlemen." "Good morning Mrs. Levi." "Uh, good morning, Mrs. Levi." "How handsome you look today." "Ooh." "You absolutely take my breath away." "Ermengarde's upstairs crying her eyes out." "You can take her now, but blow her nose first." "If only Irene Molloy could see you now." "Uh, find someplace else to loaf!" "." "And you two get back to the store!" "Don't forget to put the lid on the sheep dip!" "I don't know what's come over you lately, but you seem to grow younger every day." "If a man eats careful, there's no reason why he should look old." "You never said a truer word." "Even if I never see 40- 35 again... 35." "Why I can see at a glance you'll be stamping about at 1:00, eating 5 meals a day just like my uncle, may he rest in peace." "Let me see your hand, Mr. Vandergelder." "Oh, show me your hand." "Why?" "I'm a judge of hands." "I read hands." "I use them to get things done." "Lord in heaven!" "Goodness gracious!" "I just can't believe it!" "Such a long life line, from here to here." "It runs right off your hand." "They'll have to hit you with a mallet." "They'll have to stifle you with a sofa pillow." "You will bury us all." "I will?" "Say..." "Yes?" "You're all spiffed up today, aren't you?" "Yes." "And not for the benefit of this smelly horse." "Well, if I had a guess," "I'd say you was goin' somewhere." "Remarkable, Mrs. Levi." "How do you do it?" "2 and 2 is 4, Mr. Vandergelder." "With a head like yours, you'll be rich someday." "That's exactly what I had in mind." "Then I suggest you pick up Ermengarde, for which I'm paying you good money." "Speaking of business, Mr. Vandergelder," "I suppose you've given up all idea of getting married." "Is that what you suppose?" "Then suppose you listen to this, Mrs. Levi." "I've decided- I've practically decided to ask Irene Molloy to be my wife." "You have?" "Yeah, I have." "I'm going to New York and discuss it with her." "This very afternoon." "Well, that is just about the best news" "I have ever heard, Mr. Vandergelder." "Oh, yes, indeed, marvelous news." "Isn't it wonderful, though?" "I'm wracking my brain here." "I'm trying to think of something I've heard that has made me happier, but I just can't come up with a thing." "It's just so wonderful." "It really is." "It's all your fault, you know." "You put me into this marrying frame of mind with your introductions and scheming." "A poor widow must earn a living." "One morning I wake up and suddenly the house seems like an empty shell... and pretty messy, too." "A man needs someone to take out the garbage." "And Irene Molloy's the one to do it." "Darling girl." "I think it's perfectly wonderful what's gonna happen in your household," "Mr. Vandergelder." "I never did like the idea of all that" "All that money of yours lying in great piles in the bank, so useless and motionless." "As my late husband Ephraim used to say," ""Money should circulate like rainwater." ""It should be flowing down among the people" ""through dressmakers, cabmen, and restaurants." ""Setting up a business here, furnishing a good time over there. "" "Oh, you and the future Mrs. Vandergelder will see that all your hard- earned wealth flows in and around many peoples' lives" "Just flowing, pouring out." "All right." "Stop saying that!" "I wish you happiness under the sun, and good-bye, Mr. Vandergelder." "Yes, well, good-bye." "And when I get back to New York," "I'll tell the heiress not to wait." "What did you say?" "Oh, nothing, nothing." "A word- heiress." "Well,just a minute." "That's kind of unusual, isn't it, Mrs. Levi?" "I haven't been hunting usual girls to interest you, Mr. Vandergelder, but now all that is too late." "You're engaged to Irene Molloy." "I'm not engaged." "I can't keep disturbing these fine women unless you mean business." "Who said I don't mean business?" "You're playing a dangerous game." "Dangerous?" "Of course it's dangerous." "It's tampering with a woman's affections, and the only way to save yourself from that charge, Mr. Vandergelder, is to get married to someone soon" "Very soon." "Don't worry." "I won't." "I'll meet you in front of Molloy's hat shop at 2:30 as usual." "Never mind." "No need to." "You've done your work." "I wouldn't miss it for the world." "I'll be there to ensure that nothing goes wrong." "Just tend to Ermengarde or return the fee I gave you." "Speaking of money, I almost forgot" "How much?" "I left all my money in my other handbag which burned in a fire at cleaners-50?" "50?" "Plenty." "Oh, bless you." "And don't worry your handsome head about a thing." "Just keep all your thoughts on that lovely Irene Molloy." "If he had any taste at all, he'd have the shutters done over in green." "Mmm... forest green shutters." "What are you doing?" "Get away!" "My uncle!" "He's not here." "Now, quick." "We're running away." "Hurry, before the train gets here." "Train?" "New York." "To be married." "We're going to elope." "Elope?" "How can you use that awful word?" "Oh, Ermengarde." "My, what a romantic scene." "I want to marry Ambrose but not elope!" "This doesn't concern Mrs. Levi." "Everything concerns Dolly Levi." "Don't listen." "I know why you're here." "To help you, and love needs all the help it can get." "Listen, both of you." "There's no time." "I'm feeling an updraft in my underpants." "This is no way to elope." "If you follow my suggestions," "Horace Vandergelder will not only give permission but he'll dance at your wedding, and not alone either." "Mr. Kemper, can you dance?" "Dance?" "Yes, dance." "I'm an artist." "I paint." "No problem." ""Painters taught how to dance. "" "I'll take you to New York." "See?" "I told you!" "You will stay close by." "You'll take her to dinner at the Harmonia Gardens restaurant." "You'll enter the polka contest." "Polka contest?" "The prize is a gold cup and money." "The cups we won, my husband and I." "Now wait a minute." "I'm surprised you have acquaintances like that." "Not acquaintances, Ermengarde, friends" "Dear friends from days gone by." "My late husband Ephraim believed in life- anyplace you could find it- wherever there were people, all kinds of people." "And every Friday night, even when times were bad" "Every Friday night, like clockwork, down those stairs of the Harmonia Gardens we came, Ephraim and I." "Not acquaintances, Ermengarde-friends." "It's all very well for you, Mrs. Levi, but you're suggesting" "Do you want to show Horace that you mean business?" " Yes!" " Yes!" "Well, you must go to the Harmonia Gardens restaurant." "Say that Mrs. Levi sent you... and, yes, well... tell Rudolph that Dolly's coming back." "Dolly's coming back." "Yes." "I want a table for two and stuffed chicken for 8:00." "Mr. Vandergelder will learn of your triumph." "Everything will work out beautifully." "But how, Mrs. Levi?" "How?" "Ha ha ha!" "Ha" " Ohh." "283/4 years old and I still don't get an evening free!" "When am I gonna begin to live?" "Barnaby, how much money have you got?" "Huh?" "That you can get your hands on?" "About $3.00." "Why?" "Barnaby, you and I are going to New York!" "We can't close the store!" "We'll have to, 'cause some rotten cans of chicken mash are going to explode." "Holy cabooses!" "How do you know?" "'Cause I'm gonna light candles under them." "They'll make such a stink customers won't come in for 24 hours!" "We're going to New York, and we're gonna live!" "We'll have a good meal, we're gonna be in danger, get almost arrested, and spend all our money!" "Holy cabooses!" "And we are not coming back to Yonkers until we've each kissed a girl." "Cornelius, you can't do that." "You don't know any girls." "I'm 283/4." "I've got to begin sometime." "I'm only 191/2." "With me, it's not so urgent." "May I make a suggestion?" "Mrs. Levi!" "I just couldn't help hearing." "We'll be fired." "We were only talking!" "Mr. Hackl, Mr. Tucker, there's nothing that makes me happier than the thought of 2 fine young men such as yourselves enjoying the company of 2 lovely ladies." "What ladies?" "Where?" "In New York, to which, unless my ears play tricks, you are bound." "Now, there's this millinery shop run by a charming woman." ""Irene Molloy. "" "And her assistant, Miss Minnie Fay." "Holy cabooses!" "And now that you've noted the address," "I have only this to say- 2:00 in the afternoon is the ideal time for conversation- definitely no later than 2:30." "If you ever say this was my suggestion, well, I shall denounce you both for the terrible liars you are." "Ohhh!" "A millinery shop." "Women who work." "Adventure, Barnaby!" "I'm scared." "Living, Barnaby!" "I'm scared." "Will you come, Barnaby?" "Yes, Cornelius!" "Yes!" "The lights of Broadway, elevated trains, the stuffed whale at Barnum's Museum!" "Stuffed whale." "Wow!" "Women who work!" "Wow!" "All clear up here, Cornelius!" "You gonna light 'em all?" "Hey, Cornelius, look out!" "That bottom row's swelled up like they're ready to bust!" "Holy cabooses!" "What a smell!" "Get dressed, Barnaby!" "We're going to New York!" "Ermengarde, keep smiling." "No man wants a little ninny." "Ambrose, do a turn, let me see." "Mr. Hackl, Mr. Tucker, don't forget Irene and Minnie, just forget you ever heard a word from me." "Do get done with that, Minnie." "The men are eyeing us for the wrong reason." "A banana a day keeps the doctor away." "You mean an apple a day." "Who ever heard of a doctor slipping on apple peel?" "How are you, Miss Molloy?" "If I felt any better, I'd be positively indecent." "Oh, you are in a mood today." "Oh, I certainly am." "Not that it's any of my business, but is it because" "Minnie, I don't mind that you never finish your lunch, but do mind that you never finish your sentences." "Are you really going to-I mean" "Silly girl, say it." "Am I marrying Horace Vandergelder?" "Yes, I'm considering it if he asks me." "Oh, I'd rather die on the rack than ask such a personal question, but as long as we're on the subject, why would you?" "I mean" "Because he's rich." "He can rescue me from the millinery." "I hate hats." "Hate hats?" "Good afternoon to you, Officer Gogarty." "And the rest of the day to you," "Miss Molloy." "Ah, Minnie, why is it all the attractive men in New York are married?" "Blarney, Miss Molloy!" "Blarney!" "Come on, get going!" "All of you!" "Oh, the way you talk!" "It's natural to talk about men." "I mean, what you said about hating hats." "Not just hats." "Particularly the women who buy them." "You don't mean that, Irene Molloy." "Yes, I do, Minnie." "All lady milliners are suspected of being wicked women." "Wicked women?" "Those dowagers come in the shop merely to stare at me." "Ooh." "How dare they?" "If they were certain I was a wicked woman, they wouldn't set foot in the shop." "Good riddance." "Who needs them?" "We do, unfortunately." "So do I go out to restaurants?" "No." "It would be bad for business." "Do I go to balls or theaters or operas?" "No." "It would be bad for business." "The only men I ever get to meet are the merchants who come to sell me things." "I'm sick and tired of being suspected of being wicked with nothing to show for it." "Oh-ho!" "Miss Molloy!" "Why does everybody have adventures but me?" "Adventures?" "I have no spirit, that's why." "No gumption." "Either I marry Horace Vandergelder, or I'm gonna burn this shop down and break out like a fire engine and find myself some excitement." "The things you're saying today!" "I think they're just awful." "Oh, aren't they, though?" "And I'm enjoying every word of it." "What's this?" "Another return from Miss Mortimer." "She wants cherries and feathers" "To catch a beau, I suppose." "If you asked me, she'd do better with a heavy veil." "Well, I told her ribbons down the back is the thing to catch a gentleman's eye." "But she'd have none of it." "Minnie, make another hat for Miss Mortimer." "I'm wearing this one myself." "Oh, but you can't." "Why not?" "Because it's- it's provocative, that's why not." "Well, who knows that provocative isn't just what I want to be today?" "Miss Molloy, you don't love Horace Vandergelder." "Of course I don't love him." "Then how can you- I mean" "Look." "There are 2 men staring at the shop." "Minnie:" "Men?" "Uh-huh." "Aren't they delicious?" "Minnie:" "You don't think" "Yes, I do believe they mean to come in here." "Men in the shop!" "What will we do?" "Do?" "Why flirt with them, of course." "I'll give you the short one." "Ooh, Miss Molloy, you're terrible!" "We'll heat them up, then drop them cold." "It'll be good practice for married life." "You say vamp, I'll scream." "Vamp." "Aaah!" "I must say I like the tall one." "Adventure, Barnaby." "We can still catch the train back to Yonkers." "Oh, I feel dizzy." "Or go see the stuffed whale at the museum." "Women, Barnaby." "Stuffed... women." "There's no one here." "We can leave." "I'd never forgive myself." "Hah!" "Are you sure this is an adventure?" "You don't have to ask, Barnaby." "When you're in one, you'll know it." "How much money have we got left?" "Enough for the train, dinner, and the whale." "When they come out, we'll pretend we're rich." "We won't have to spend anything." "Why don't we say Mrs. Levi sent us?" "No!" "We're not supposed to ever say that!" "Shh!" "We're 2 men-about-town looking for hats for ladies." "What ladies?" "Good afternoon, ma'am." "Wonderful weather we're having." "How d'you do, ma'am?" "And how are your hats?" "Charmed to make your acquaintance." "Lovely place you have here." "Good afternoon, gentlemen." "Cornelius Hackl here." "Barnaby Tucker here." "Irene Molloy here." "I'm very happy to meet you." "Is there anything I can do for you?" "Ooh!" "Well, you see, we're 2 ladies- about-town lookin' for hats to Molloy" "We're hats, and we wondered if we could buy a lady or 2 to Molloy with" "We want a hat." "Well, for a lady, of course." "Everyone said to go to Miss Molloy's 'cause she's so pretty" "I mean, her hats are so pretty." "And what sort of hat would Mrs. Hackl be liking?" "Oh, no, Miss Molloy, there is no Mrs. Hackl." "Yes, there is." "Your mother." "She didn't mean that, did you, Miss Molloy?" "Now, this lady friend of yours, couldn't she come in with you some day and choose the hat herself?" "Impossible." "There is no lady friend." "I thought you said you were here to choose" "I mean she's Barnaby's." "Huh?" "What?" "Yes, but she lives in Yonkers." "She said to pick out something under a dollar." "Don't be silly, Barnaby." "Money's no object with us." "None at all." "Oh, my assistant- Miss Minnie Fay." "Mr. Hackl, Mr. Tucker." "Good afternoon, ma'am." "Afternoon, ma'am." "Excuse me, Mr. Tucker, did you say Yonkers?" "Yes, ma'am." "We're from Yonkers." "Well, are you?" "Yes." "And forgive me for saying this, but you should see Yonkers, Miss Molloy." "I mean, perhaps you and your gentleman friend here in New York might like to see it." "It's the most beautiful town in the world" "That's what they say." "So I've heard, but I'm afraid I don't have a gentleman friend here." "You don't?" "Barnaby, she doesn't have a gentleman friend." "Ha ha ha!" "Hey, that's too bad." "If you should happen to have a Sunday free" "You're Catholic, aren't you?" "Don't worry." "I'm willing to change." "If you're free in the near future," "I'd, well... we'd... like to show you Yonkers from top to bottom." "It's very historic." "As a matter of fact," "I might be there sooner than you think." "This Sunday?" "You see, I have a friend who lives in Yonkers." "Perhaps you know him." "I do?" "Oh, it's always so foolish to ask in cases like that, isn't it?" "Why should you know him?" "It's a Mr. Vandergelder?" "Mr. Vandergelder, oh!" "Horace Vandergelder?" "Of Vandergelder's Hay and Feed?" "Yes, do you know him?" " Oh, no!" " Oh, no!" " No!" " No!" " No, no!" " No, no!" "Mr. Vandergelder's coming to see me this afternoon." "Coming here?" "This afternoon?" "Cornelius!" "Cornelius, look!" "It's wolf-trap!" "Look out!" "Beggin' your pardon, Miss Molloy." "Gentlemen, what are you doing?" "We'll explain later." "Just help us!" "Come out of there this minute!" "We're innocent as can be, Miss Molloy." "I insist that you both come out, or I'll be forced" "Mr. Vandergelder, how nice to see you." "And Dolly Levi." "What a surprise." "Irene, my darling, how well you look." "You must be in love." "Afternoon, Miss Molloy." "What a pleasure to have you in New York." "Yes." "Yonkers lies up there decimated today." "We thought we'd pay you a visit, Irene, unless it's inconvenient." "Inconvenient?" "Whatever gave you that idea?" "Mr. Vandergelder thought he saw 2 customers in the shop" "2, uh, men." "Men!" "Oh ho ho." "In a ladies' hat shop?" "Ha ha ha!" "Come on, let's go into my workroom." "I'm so eager for you to see it." "I've already seen it twice." "But I need your advice." "Advice from Mr. Vandergelder." "The whole city should hear this and grow rich." "Advice is cheap, Miss Molloy." "It's the things that come gift-wrapped that count." "I have never heard it put more beautifully." "Thank you, Mr. Vandergelder." "Chocolate-covered peanuts, unshelled." "They're the expensive kind." "Why don't we open them in the workroom?" "Miss Molloy," "I have important business to discuss with you as soon as Mrs. Levi says good-bye." "Pay no attention to me." "I'm just browsing." "Business, Mr. Vandergelder?" "Hay and feed?" "Well, not exactly." "A new hat shop in Yonkers?" "I hear it's a very beautiful city, and quite historic according" "Yes, go on." "Who's been telling you about Yonkers, may I ask?" "Oh, nobody." "A friend." "What friend?" "Well, you see, he" "He?" "Yes, uh... he" "His name, Miss Molloy." "What?" "His name." "Oh, I believe it was- is Mr. Cornelius Hackl of Yonkers." "Cornelius Hackl?" "Yes." "Do you know him?" "He's my head clerk." "He is?" "He's been in my store for 10 years." "Where would you have known him?" "Just one of those chance meetings," "I suppose." "Yes, one of those chance meetings." "Chance meetings?" "Cornelius has no right to chance meetings!" "Where was it?" "Really!" "It's unlike you to question me in such a way." "The truth might as well come out now." "Your head clerk is better known than you think." "Nonsense." "He's in New York all the time." "Everybody knows Cornelius Hackl." "He never comes to New York." "He works all day in my store." "So you think, but it's not true." "Dolly Levi, you are mistaken!" "Horace Vandergelder, you keep your nose so deep in account books, you don't even know what goes on." "By day, he's your faithful, trusted clerk." "But by night, oh, by night, he leads a double life." "Why he's, why he's here" "Umm... at the opera, at the great restaurants, the fashionable homes." "He's even at the Harmonia Gardens restaurant 2, 3 times a week." "The fact is, he is the wittiest, gayest, naughtiest, most delightful man in New York City." "He's just the- the famous Cornelius Hackl!" "It ain't the same man." "If I thought Cornelius came to New York," "I'd discharge him!" "Who took the horses off ofJenny Lind's carriage and pulled them through the streets?" " Who?" " Cornelius Hackl!" "Who dressed up as a waiter at the Fifth Avenue Hotel and took an oyster and dropped it right down" "No, it's too wicked." "I can't say it." "Say it!" "No, but it was Cornelius Hackl." "It ain't the same man!" "Where'd he get the money?" "Oh, he's very rich." "Rich?" "!" "I keep his money in my own safe." "He has $145.36!" "Oh, Mr. Vandergelder, you are killing me." "He's one of the Hackls." "They built the Raritan Canal." "Then why would he work in my store?" "I don't wanna hear it." "I'm going home." "I have a headache." "It ain't the same man." "You can't escape facts." "I just made him chief clerk!" "If you had any sense, you'd make him a partner." "Irene, I can see you're as taken with him as everybody else is." "But I only met him once." "Now, don't be thinking of marrying him." "Dolly, what are you saying?" "Careful." "He breaks hearts like hickory nuts." "Horace:" "Who?" "Cornelius Hackl." "Miss Molloy, how long has he been calling on you?" "Mr. Vandergelder, suppose I told you he has not been calling on me?" "Excuse me." "Not now, Minnie!" "Aaah!" "Stop singing, Minnie!" "There's a man in there!" "That's not amusing, Minnie." "But there's a man!" "We don't wish to be interrupted." "Go back immediately." "The poor dear is tired from overwork." "If there's a man in there, we'll get him out!" "Whoever you are, come on out!" "Do you realize what you're saying?" "I certainly do!" "Before you move or say another word that you might regret, allow me." "Dolly!" "Stand back." "There." "You see?" "So much for this nonsense about that darling girl hiding a man in the closet." "We'll forget you ever said it." "It's forgotten." "Ah-choo!" "Because there's nobody in there." "Ah-choo!" "God bless you." "Miss Molloy?" "Yes, Mr. Vandergelder, there is a man in there." "I see." "There also happens to be an explanation, but for the present" "I should just say good afternoon." "Ah-choo!" "Another?" "Another." "Good Lord, the whole room is crawling with men." "Irene, darling, congratulations." "Miss Molloy, I shan't trouble you again." "And I hope, vice versa." "Horace, where are you going?" "To march in the 14th Street parade with the kind of people I can trust" "700 men." "Ah, ah, ah, ah!" "Now." "I demand an explanation!" "Have you met Minnie Fay?" "Leave, or I'll call for Officer Gogarty!" "There's no fun in a jailhouse." "Jail?" "!" "Jail!" "Everybody, don't talk at once!" "Just because you're rich and famous..." "Rich and famous?" "Don't deny it." "Doesn't mean you won't make up for this trouble." "We'll do anything." "Irene, Cornelius Hackl." "We've already met." "Jail is absolutely out." "Cornelius, explain to her." "I'm Cornelius Hackl." "Minnie Fay." "The only way to make up for it" "Yes, of course" "You can have them both put away for years on this charge." "Help, police, help." "Only have dinner with them first to show that you tried to settle amicably." "Dinner first, life imprisonment later." "It's a lovely day." "It's gonna be a lovelier evening." "Something could happen before you send them to jail." "Oh, by all means." "It's what Barnaby and I had in mind." "Minnie, we've been respectable for years." "Now we're in disgrace." "We might as well make the most of it." "We'd be delighted to accept." "It's the only sensible thing to do." "Cornelius!" "Now, I know a doughnut shop" "Doughnut shop!" "Certainly not!" "We want a fine dinner in the fashionable world." "And I know just the place" "The Harmonia Gardens on 14th Street." "Harmonia Gardens!" "But wait a minute." "The finest food that money can buy, and a lovely orchestra." "A polka contest tonight." "Dancing!" "Just ask for Rudolph." "Oh, we could never go there." "It sounds marvelous!" "Come, Minnie." "We'll close the shop, and take the whole afternoon off." "Oh, I mean, we could never." "Don't misunderstand." "It isn't money, or anything." "It's the... the..." "What, Mr. Hackl?" "It's the dancing." "You see, I don't know how, and they have contests and things like that at Harmonia Whatever-it-is." "You said so yourself." "It would take me weeks, months, years to learn." ""Mrs. Dolly Levi." ""283/4 year-old chief clerks taught how to- "" "Now, you just put one arm here and one arm there." "It's no use." "I have absolutely no sense of rhythm." "Absolutely no sense of rhythm is one of the primary requirements for learning by the Levi method." "Just give me 5 minutes of your time, Mr. Hackl." "I'll have you dancing in the streets." "I think we'll start with lesson 7." "Right foot, touch, left foot, touch, under, back around, touch." "Back through around, out, over, release, unfurl, oh, oh." "That's wonderful, Mr. Hackl." "When I think of the lucky women who'll find heaven in your arms" "I think we'll go back to lesson one, shall we?" "Put your hand on her waist and stand... with her right in your left... hand." "And... 1..." "That's right." "And 1, 2, 3... ah!" "Ah." "1... 2... 3" " Oh, no, this one." "And 1... 2... 3... 1... 2... 3..." "Look!" "I'm dancing!" "Aah..." "I was." "Of course you were, Mr. Hackl." "Look!" "I'm dancing!" "Ah!" "Uh, come here." "The word I think I'd use is athletic." "Good." "That's wonderful." "Look, everybody!" "I, Cornelius Hackl, sport," "I'm dancing!" "You're next, Mr. Tucker." "Ah!" "And everyone, stand aside!" "Uh, not yet, Mr. Tucker." "1- 2-3, 1- 2-3 1- 2-3, 1..." "He's dancing!" "I think he's holdin' out on us." "Whatever you do, Mr. Tucker, keep breathing." "Ha ha ha!" "Oh!" "Ha ha ha!" "Ha ha ha ha!" "Ha ha!" "Come on." "Dolly!" "Cornelius is taking us to see the parade." "Everyone will be marching." "Cornelius:" "Come on, Mrs. Levi!" "Oh, Dolly, the world is full of such wonderful things." "Hurry, before the parade passes by!" "Yes, I will." "I will." "Before the parade passes by." "Ephraim, let me go." "It's been long enough, Ephraim." "Every night, just like you'd want me to," "I've put out the cat, made myself a rum toddy, and before I went to bed, said a little prayer thanking God that I was independent, that no one else's life was mixed up with mine." "But lately, Ephraim..." "I've begun to realize that... for a long time..." "I have not shed one tear." "Nor have I been for one... moment... outrageously happy." "Now, Horace Vandergelder, he's always saying," ""The world is full of fools,"" "and in a way, he's right, isn't he?" "I mean, himself, Cornelius, Irene, myself." "But there comes a time when you have got to decide whether you want to be a fool among fools... or a fool alone." "Well, I have made that decision, Ephraim, but I would feel so much better about it if" "If you could just give me a sign- any kind of a sign that you approve." "I'm going back, Ephraim." "I've decided to join the human race again." "And, Ephraim..." "I want you to give me away." "Waah!" "Waah!" "Ha ha ha ha!" "Present arms!" "Quarter... arms!" "Present... arms!" "Forward march!" "Dolly Levi!" "Hi!" "Gussie Granger?" "What in the world are you doing here?" "Earning an honest dollar, which is more than I've made on the legitimate stage in 2 years." "I don't have pity on you, but the meatpacker's float?" "Ha!" "Listen, if there was more money in it," "I'd play one of the pigs!" "I came here for some privacy." "I owe you an apology." "I didn't want to let it go another minute." "You owe me more than that." "What about the fee I gave you for getting me tangled up with that collector of men's hats?" "Irene Molloy" " She was a disappointment." "The confectioner gave me back every cent for those chocolate-covered peanuts." "Sorry." "I never give cash refunds." "However, being an honest woman," "I've arranged to make it up to you." "Dolly Levi, let me make one thing clear." "You have been discharged as my marriage broker." "I have no further use for one." "From now on, you're just a woman like anyone else." "I am?" "And I'm just a man like anyone else." "And just like anyone else," "I'll do everything I can to avoid introductions such as you specialize in." "I understand your feelings, Mr. Vandergelder." "And I'm here marching beside you to assure you there will be no need for my services after your dinner engagement tonight." "Dinner engagement?" "7:30 at the Harmonia Gardens restaurant." "Private room." "Table for 2." "She'll be waiting." "Who?" "Who-Who'll be waiting?" "Who-who'll be waiting?" "The very rich, beautiful lady" "I referred to in Yonkers this morning." "The heiress to a fortune, remember?" "I'm not interested." "What's her name?" "Uh..." "Ernestina." "I'm not interested." "What's her last name?" "Simple, uh..." "Simple." "Ernestina Simple." "Can she cook?" "Ha ha." "Can she cook?" "Frankly, I could never understand why a girl like that, who could afford every servant in New York makes all her own meals... on a solid gold stove." "Sounds like a fool." "And I'm not interested in fools." "Neither am I. Good day, Mr. Vandergelder." "Don't forget- 7:30, Harmonia Gardens." "Rent some evening clothes." "She's fussy." "Dolly Levi, you are a damned exasperating woman!" "Why, Horace Vandergelder, that is the nicest thing you have ever said to me." "Cornelius, are you sure all they're doing is changing their clothes?" "Don't worry." "They'll be here." "I get dressed every morning in less than 3 minutes." "Women wear more." "They do?" "Underneath." "Maybe we'd better leave while there's still time." "Never." "We've seen everything." "The parade, the Statue of Liberty, the stuffed whale at Barnum's Museum." "I could die a happy man right now." "It'll be worth it no matter what." "The worst anybody can do is put us in jail, but as long as we live, we'll never forget the night we took Irene Molloy and Minnie Fay to dinner at Harmonia Gardens... on less than a dollar." "Cornelius, wake up!" "And there's another reason we can't go back to Yonkers" "One more thing we promised to do before we go back and turn into a couple Vandergelders." "Cornelius!" "You're not thinking of kissing Miss Molloy?" "Maybe." "Ha ha ha!" "She'll scream." "Barnaby, you don't know anything about women." "Only that we can't afford them." "You might as well know everybody except us goes through life kissing right and left all the time." "They do?" "Yes." "I often wondered about that." " Oh!" " Oh!" "Smile, Barnaby." "I'm smiling." "Look rich and gay and charming." "I'm looking gay and charming." "Hello." "Here we are." "Minnie:" "Hello." "Cornelius..." "Ah..." "I'm pleased to meet you," "Miss Molloy." "No last names." "After all we've been through together this afternoon, it's Irene and Minnie." "Irene." "Oh." "Does that count, Cornelius?" "I don't think so." "Count?" "We were counting here while we were waiting." "I hear all rich people do nothing but count their money." "I'm so hungry." "Why don't we go in and have some hors d'oeuvres first?" "No, no, no!" "It's very fashionable." "It would spoil our appetites." "Or we could have an aperitif." "It's out of the question." "Barnaby and I don't agree with that sort of thing." "But all those people do." "Well, they simply don't know that, um... aperitif is no longer considered elegant." "Oh, it isn't?" "Hasn't been for years." "In that case, it's on to Harmonia Gardens." "Call a hack, Cornelius." "Hack?" "I've always wanted to ride in a hack." "There's one." "Yoo-hoo!" "No, no!" "We can't do that!" "I mean, it isn't the money or anything." "It's just that..." "nowadays, really elegant people never take hacks." "Hacks is out." "They all go by streetcar." "Then by all means, we go by streetcar." "Imagine." "I've been elegant all my life and never knew it." "Of course." "If you really want to be really elegant..." "Oh, we do." "We do." "You walk." "If you please." "Hmmph!" "Good evening." "Good evening." "Straighten up!" "Walk erect!" "Pleasure." "Good evening." "How nice to see you." "Psst!" "No expression." "Let the food smile." "And how are you this evening?" "Charming, charming." "You!" "You there!" "Come up here at once." "Yes, you." "How dare you keep me standing here this long?" "As soon as Mr. Vandergelder arrives, you will be seated, Miss Simple." "Look here, garcon" "My name is Rudolph." "Rudolph Reisenweber." "Why, may I ask, can I not wait at the table?" "Please, please." "Harmonia Gardens does not consider it proper" "A lady alone." "Perhaps if you'll let me take your wrap" "Oh!" "Don't touch me." "Where?" "If you will excuse me." "Certainly not." "Yes, what can I do for you?" "How are you, Adolph?" "How's my old friend?" "I am Rudolph." "Oh, of course." "Ha ha." "Rudolph." "We'd like a little something to eat." "You know?" "In what name is the reservation, please?" "Reservation?" "I'm afraid there is nothing available." "Come on!" "Let's go!" "This is Cornelius Hackl, the Cornelius Hackl." "Tell him about the Rockefellers." "The Rockefellers?" "I see." "I know a little place up the block." "I think I have something." "Yes, I have something." "Follow me, if you will." "Dining room number 2." "It's the last one." "Very private." "It is?" "Very exclusive." "Very fashionable." "Don't say another word." "And very expensive." "That was the word." "How beautiful!" "How elegant!" "How much?" "I thought you said everyone here knew you." "Oh, don't worry." "They will after tonight." "She is?" "I don't believe it!" "8:00." "Table for 2." "And the chicken." "Mrs. Dolly Levi coming here after such a long absence." "It's too happy to be true." "That's the message he told me to you." "Who?" "Who are these people?" "Rudolph:" "They look truthful." "If you're gonna spend the whole evening acting like a scared rabbit, maybe I better order some lettuce." "How can you be so brave?" "It's not fair." "Just try to remember Mrs. Levi's advice." "I only wanted to marry you, not perform in public." "There's nobody here who knows us." "Oh, Ambrose, are you sure?" "Sweetheart, have I ever been wrong?" "Rudolph:" "Sir?" "Vandergelder's the name." "Yes, Mr. Vandergelder." "Uh, there's a Miss Ernestina Simple supposed to be waiting." "Right there, Mr. Vandergelder." "No, I'm afraid you didn't understand what I said" "But perfectly." "Mr. Vandergelder is here, Miss Simple." "Yes, so I see." "Oh, good evening, Miss Simple." "I hope so, Mr. Vandergelder." "All right, my good man." "Fritz, private dining room number one!" "Follow me, if you will." "You may take my arm." "And unless you're suffering from a head cold, kindly remove your hat." "Achtung.!" "I have an important announcement to make." "After an absence of several years, there will return to the Harmonia Gardens restaurant tonight the lady who always had the happiest smile, the warmest heart, and the largest appetite in the city of New York!" " Dolly!" " Dolly!" " It's Dolly!" " It's Dolly!" " Dolly!" " Dolly!" "Dolly!" "Achtung.!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "It is therefore my order as headwaiter of the Harmonia Gardens and your supreme commander, that tonight of all nights, our usual lightning service will be twice as lightning as ever!" "Or else!" "Waiter, write this down." "Mock turtle soup, roast pheasant under glass" "Pheasant?" "I'll have the same, and champagne." "Champagne?" "What would you like?" "6 months off for good behavior?" "What do you mean," ""Oysters aren't in season"?" "Anybody can have oysters in season." "I want them out of season." "They don't have any, Miss Simple." "Then tell them to go out and dig for some." "Oh!" "Oh." "Hello, again." "Here we are." "We thought something happened." "Don't worry, it will." "Barnaby..." "Irene, Minnie..." "I feel so good about everything, so good about this whole day, that I am now going to become an honest man and tell the truth." "Cornelius?" "I'd forgotten what strange things happen to men when they drink." "If I tell you the truth, will you let me put my arm around your waist?" "Good heavens, you can do that even if you lie to me." "Ahhhh!" "I've never touched a woman before." "You still haven't." "That's my corset." "You're a wonderful person, Irene." "Thank you, Cornelius." "And that's why" "I have to tell you the truth." "If it'll make you feel better." "It's all those fancy things that Mrs. Levi said about me" "Oh, yes." "Well... they're just not so." "Indeed?" "Irene, I'm not rich." "Not rich?" "I'm none of the things Mrs. Levi said I was." "And neither is Barnaby." "We're not sports." "We don't know anybody." "We never come to New York." "We never do anything except work all day and clean the store at night." "And we wanted so much to have one day of adventure, that we ran away from Yonkers and told a lot of lies." "Well, look at us, a pair of penniless pretenders." "But, Cornelius," "I've known that all along." "You have?" "Why else would you two have hidden?" "And made us walk all over New York?" "You're the nicest ladies a man ever went to jail for." "Jail?" "We don't have money for this dinner!" "Of course you don't." "Minnie, show these 2 sports what I've got in my purse." "What a pleasure to know that selling all those silly hats can pay for an evening as delightful as this one." "Oh, I can't help myself!" "." "Wow!" "Oh!" "I- hah!" "No, no, Minnie, my white handbag, not that one." "My white handbag." "When we changed for the evening." "Oh!" "Minnie!" "Only my mad money" "A nickel for the horse car." "Would you like your check now, sir?" "Take this away, my good man." "Bring us another bottle of champagne." "What's this?" "What are you doing?" "It's 8:00, Mr. Vandergelder." "I really must be going." "Going?" "You haven't finished your dinner yet." "That's expensive food." "If I ordered that every night," "I'd be out of business!" "I suggest you have the waiter put it in a bag and take it home to Yonkers to your horses and pigs." "I don't have pigs, Miss Simple," "I have chickens." "I didn't get them by being wasteful!" "I see no point in this trivial discussion, nor in my remaining here any longer, in as much as it is quite clear that you are" "If you forgive the expression" "Entirely unsuitable." "Unsuitable?" "I assure you, I'll never say a word to Mrs. Levi about this unfortunate evening." "I suggest you do likewise when she arrives here." "Wait a minute!" "Did you say "Arrives here"?" "Yes, she planned to join us at 8:00." "You may tell her I left because I felt sick to my stomach." "It's quite true, you know." "Good night." "Any man who goes to a big city deserves what happens to him." "He's all yours, honey." "Good." "Mr. Cassidy?" "Yes, Mrs. Levi?" "It's all right now." "You can let me out." "Whoa!" "Mr. Reisenweber, come here." "Hurry!" "Shh." "How many times have I told you not to shout?" "It's her." "She's outside!" "What's going on?" "Are you sure?" "I know that voice." "I heard her." "In a beautiful carriage with two horses." "That's her." "She's come!" "Who?" "Who's come?" "You wouldn't know her." "Mrs. Levi." "Is it true?" "Yes." "It's Dolly!" "Tell the band to get ready." "You saw her?" "Yes." "She was in a white carriage pulled by four horses!" "It's like old times!" "Mr. Reisenweber!" "Rudolph!" "Rudy!" "She is here." "Tell it to me sweet!" "I think you did, Stanley." "Look who's here." "Hello, Louis." "I am so glad to be back." "Thank you, Louis." "Does it show?" " Wow!" " Wow!" "One more time!" "Horace Vandergelder." "Do we know each other?" "Much too well." "Oh, it's you, Mrs. Levi." "Yes." "Well, do you, um... do you think you have the figure for that sort of get-up?" "That's for others to say." "I borrowed it from a friend, not being one of those rich ladies who have nothing better to do with their time than dilly-dally with seamstresses." "Which reminds me, where is Miss Simple?" "Miss Simple?" "Yes." "Well, she had to, uh..." "She got called away by a sick friend." "Oh, well, that's Ernestina" "Always thinking of other people." "We'll just have to make do without her for the time being." "Rudolph." "My dear Mrs. Levi!" "I've saved the best table for you." "How I've missed you, Rudolph!" "This way, please." "Come along, Mr. Vandergelder." "Don't stand here." "You'll get run over by a waiter." "Oh, hello!" "How are you?" "Hi!" "Nice to see you!" "You know too many people." "Total strangers." "Then why do you greet them?" "It feels good to have so many friends." "Say hello for me, too." "I already did." "Lovely, Rudolph." "What are we doing down here?" "There's someone in the dance competition" "I especially want you to see." "Rudolph, this is Mr. Vandergelder," "Yonkers' most influential citizen." "We've already met." "He insists on buying the finest." "I never said any such thing." "Unfortunately," "I'm watching my waistline." "Can't eat a thing." "What's ready immediately?" "You ordered chicken" "I couldn't face a chicken." "Not after what I've been through." "Cancel the chicken." "And bring a turkey!" "With everything on the side!" "Now, tell me about you and Ernestina." "It was short, but was it sweet?" "I mean, did it go well?" "You have a habit of asking highly personal questions." "If you're thinking of getting married, you must learn to let women be women." "Did you like her?" "Did she like you?" "Always putting your nose into other people's affairs!" "Anybody who lived with you would get as nervous as a cat!" "What?" "Anybody who lived with you" "Get that idea out of your head this minute!" "Why, the idea of you even mentioning such a thing!" "I have no intention of marrying you!" "I didn't mean that!" "You've been hinting for some time now, so put those ideas out of your head!" "That's not what I meant at all!" "I should hope not!" "You go your way and I'll go mine." "You can't turn my head with chocolate covered peanuts" "Unshelled!" "The idea of you even suggesting such a thing!" "You misunderstood me!" "I certainly hope so." "Let's not discuss it." "Here's our food." "I don't feel well." "Here is a lovely, lovely wing for you, and some dumplings, lighter than air." "That's what I need- some air." "And some giblets." "Very tender and very good for you." "You go your way, I'll go mine." "Have some wine." "You'll feel better." "Since you brought this matter up," "I have one more thing to say." "I didn't bring the matter up!" "True, I like to manage things, but nothing as disorderly as your household, as out of control, as untidy" "Do that for yourself." "It's not out of control!" "Let's not say another word about it." "Have some beets." "I don't like beets!" "A complaining, friendless soul like you is no sort of companion for me." "Stop saying that." "I'm finished." "I'm not those things you said I am!" "Maybe, but you are the only person in the world that knows it." "No, Horace," "I have decided to enjoy life." "You can find some housekeeper who'll prepare three meals for a dollar a day." "It can be done if you like cold beans" "I can see you now spending your last days listening at keyholes, for fear somebody's cheating you." "Have some more beets." "I hate beets!" "That's the difference between us." "I've been nagging you all day long to get some spirit into you." "You could be a perfectly charming, witty, amiable man if you wanted to." "I don't want to be charming!" "But you are!" "Look at you!" "You can't help yourself." ""Listening at keyholes. "" "You have no right to say such things to me." "At your age, you ought to enjoy the truth." "My age." "You're always talking about my age!" "I don't even know what your age is, but with bad food and bad temper, you'll double it in six months." "Now sit down, Horace!" "However, there's one more thing" "I don't want to hear it!" "You're wasting your time." "I have no intention of asking you to marry me!" "Oh, so you want me to ask you?" "Sorry." "I'm turning you down." "How can you?" "I haven't asked!" "It's no use arguing." "Let me cut your wings." "I don't want my wings cut!" "No man does." "I've got a headache." "I'm leaving." "You can't." "The dance competition's about to begin." "Ladies and gentlemen, if I may have your attention please!" "It is my pleasure to announce on behalf of the management of the Harmonia Gardens restaurant that our dance contest is about to commence!" "The judges for tonight's competition are" "Mr. Herman Fleishacker!" "Mr. Llewelyn Codd!" "And our special guest-of- honor judge," "Mrs. Dolly Levi!" "Sit down!" "If you wish to participate in this evening's contest, come to the dance floor." "Remember, to the lucky winning couple goes the grand prize of 50 silver dollars or an engagement at the Harmonia Gardens!" "50!" "Everybody dance!" "Your check, sir." "Another bottle of champagne." "Look at that man, Horace!" "What grace, what talent, what a magnificent living he could earn with his feet!" "Horace, look." " Where?" " There." "Wait a minute." "Oh, isn't he wonderful!" "That's Ambrose Kemper, the so-called artist." "Why, so it is." "No wonder his pictures are so awful." "He must paint with his feet." "He's sure to win first prize." "Ermengarde should see him now, dancing with another girl." "And so pretty, too." "Shameful!" "That's what it is!" "Shameful!" "Look!" "There's that Molloy woman dancing with a man!" "I think it's a man." "Only a few hours ago she was waiting for me to propose." "Shocking!" "No faithfulness left in this world!" "Oh, I agree." "People like us should marry someone just to set the world a good example." "My hat!" "I'm trying to find" "Oh." "Excuse me." "Ermengarde!" "Uncle." "My niece!" "Aah!" "You are a disgrace to Yonkers!" "Stop that!" "Grrr!" "Don't you dare" "Come here, you!" "Mr. Vandergelder, the contest!" "I'll show you a contest!" "Call the police!" "Uncle Horace, we can explain!" "Expl" " I'll give you..." "Cornelius Hackl!" "What are you doing here?" "I'm just delivering some oats." "Oats?" "With my former intended?" "You're discharged!" "You can't fire me!" "I quit!" "So do I!" "Barnaby Tucker, you're discharged!" "You can't fire me!" "I quit!" "I'm sorry." "Grrr!" "Oh!" "Horace Vandergelder, flat on your back, you are still charming." "Cornelius." "Barnaby." "Perhaps there's a way I can get Mr. Vandergelder to give you back your jobs." "What?" "How?" "I could become his wife." "No, that's impossible." "It is?" "Yes." "But why, Cornelius?" "Because..." "That's why." "Give me a reason." "Never mind the reason!" "Shhh!" "And don't tell me to shush." "What's going on?" " Cornelius!" " Irene!" "Hey, you, what's all this noise?" "What's happening here?" "Now you stay out of this, Officer!" "Are you all right, miss?" "I'll let you know in a little while." "I'm only trying to tell this lady something." "It's too late, and you're too loud, you're disturbing the peace!" "No, it's not too late!" "That's why I'm shouting!" "28 years, my whole life, I never did anything!" "I just worked, took orders, never went anywhere." "Stayed in Yonkers!" "Yonkers?" "And today, the most important thing that can happen to a man happened to me because I left Yonkers and came to New York and met this lady this afternoon." "Mister" " Just what are you talkin' about?" "Officer," "I'm talking about none other than love." "Love?" "Are you telling me that after 28 years in Yonkers you've fallen in love with this lady in one day?" "No, I didn't fall in love in just a day." "It was much quicker than that." "An hour" " No, even that's too long!" "What's less than a minute?" "A second?" "Less than that." "A moment." "That's it!" "That is it!" "Now all of you, listen to me... please." "Isn't the world full of wonderful things?" "I have lost so many things." "My job, my future" "Everything that people think is important, but I don't care!" "Even if I have to dig ditches for the rest of my life," "I'll be a ditch digger who once had a wonderful day!" "Mister, do you mind?" "I came in late." "Right after..." "Tell Rudolph not to worry about the damage." "Send the bill to Vandergelder's Hay and Feed Store," "Yonkers, New York." "There's your life for you, Horace." "I don't want to hear about it!" "Without niece, bride, clerks." "I'm tired." "I've got a backache." "That's about all you do have." "I hope you're satisfied." "Never mind." "I guess there's only one thing more for me to say." "If it's to ask me to marry you, never, not in a million years!" "It wasn't that at all, Horace." "All I wanted to say was..." "What?" "What are you talking about?" "Nonsense!" "Don't try to stop me!" "And on those cold winter nights, Horace... you can snuggle up to your cash register." "It's a little lumpy, but it rings." "Quiet!" "Quiet down there, you little monsters." "Cornelius!" "Barnaby!" "Do you hear me down there?" "Ermengarde!" "What the devil is this?" "What's this chicken mash doing all over?" "Cornelius!" "Barnaby!" "Get up here this minute and clean up this mess!" "Well, good riddance." "I didn't need you before, and I don't need you now!" "Ermengarde!" "I'm ready for my breakfast!" "I want three eggs with crisp bacon, hot porridge with cream, and grits!" "It's not fair." "It's worse than that." "It's lonely." "Not in a million years, Dolly Levi." "You go your way, and I'll go mine." "Good morning, Uncle Horace." "Good morning, Mr. Vandergelder." "Come crawling back, have you?" "I've a good mind not to take you, but being as how I'm so soft-hearted, start cleaning up this mess!" "We're not coming back to work for you," "Mr. Vandergelder." "Barnaby and I are stopping by for our money." "We decided to go into business." "Business!" "And since we only know hay and feed, we're opening our own store." "Mrs. Levi's found the perfect location." "Across the street from you." "She wouldn't dare!" "Hackl and Tucker, Incorporated." "Ha!" "You'll last a week." "What about my breakfast?" "Uncle Horace..." "I think you'd better start learning how to make it yourself." "All right, all right." "My conscience is clear." "A man can only do so much to keep fools from their own natural folly." "Why, Horace Vandergelder, as I live and breathe." "How well you look today." "I came by to return your cane." "Don't let me interrupt." "What were you doing?" "Getting Cornelius and Barnaby's money." "$146.35." "Plus $6.12 of mine." "And the money my mama left me." "That's right." "$52.48." "38, idiot!" "48, Uncle." "I'm positive" "I know, I know." "If all you can think about is money, the safe is upstairs!" "Ooh!" "And I have the combination!" "You stay here." "If you insist, Horace." "Ephraim Levi, I'm gonna get married again." "I'm gonna marry Horace Vandergelder." "And I'm asking your permission." "It won't be a marriage in the sense that we had one, but I shall certainly make him happy." "You can be sure of that." "I am going to marry Horace Vandergelder and send his money out into the world doing all the things you taught me." "As you always said, Ephraim, money- pardon the expression- is like manure." "It's not worth a thing unless it's spread around, encouraging young things to grow." "Anyhow, that's the opinion of the future Mrs. Horace Vandergelder." "And, Ephraim..." "I'm still waiting for that sign... that you approve." "Mr. Vandergelder" "Outside, front and back." "Bossy, scheming, meddling, irritating, inquisitive, exasperating." "Horace." "I know you're no longer interested, but I have found you the ideal wife." "Dolly Levi, I don't want you to find me any ideal wives!" "If I want an ideal wife, I'll find one of my own, and I have found her, and it's you, damn it!" "I've been a fool and probably always will be, but, Dolly, forgive me and... marry me." "No, Horace, I..." "I don't dare." "What do you mean?" "You know as well as I do that you're the first citizen of Yonkers." "Your wife would have to be a somebody." "You are." "You are a wonderful woman!" "Do you really think I have it in me to forego fancy clothes and expensive jewels, and instead be a benefactress to half the town?" "In other words, to be a credit to you?" "Dolly, everybody knows that you could do anything you wanted to do." "By the way, here's the money" "I borrowed from you yesterday." "Keep it." "Oh, Horace." "I never thought" "I'd ever hear you say anything like that." "It's bad business letting Cornelius open up a store across the street." "It was your idea." "Make him your partner." "And Barnaby can have Cornelius' old job." "We'll all dance at Ermengarde's wedding." "You've gone too far!" "I'll dance at no wedding!" "Besides, I can't dance!" "It'll take years to learn." "All right, I'll dance." "Excuse me, Mr. Vandergelder." "I said outside!" "What is going on around here?" "I'm having the shutters done over in forest green." "Forest green shutters?" "The old paint's still good, but that fella's just set up a business and needs a good start." "Dolly, I've always felt that money" "Pardon the expression- is like manure." "It's not worth a thing unless its spread around, encouraging young things to grow." "Thank you, Ephraim." "Wonderful woman!"