"( theme music playing )" "IS THIS TIE ALL RIGHT?" "FOR WHERE WE'RE GOING ANY TIE'S A NOVELTY." "IT'S NO GOOD BEING LIKE THAT ABOUT IT." "IT'S A FAMILY OCCASION." "THE THING IS TO MAKE THE BEST OF IT." "ANYWAY, I ALWAYS THINK" "THERE'S SOMETHING NICE ABOUT A CHRISTENING." "THERE'S SOMETHING EVEN NICER IF THERE'S BEEN A WEDDING FIRST." "THERE'S NO REPLY FROM REG." "YOU DON'T THINK HE'S WITH SOMEBODY ELSE, DO YOU?" "CAN YOU PLEASE FORGET MEN TODAY, ROSE?" "ALL DAY?" "OH, ALL RIGHT, JUST FOR THE CHRISTENING." "DONE." "I DON'T CARE IF HE IS WITH SOMEBODY ELSE." "I WONDER WHO SHE IS, THE BITCH." " ROSE!" " SORRY, SORRY." "CAN I HAVE THE TEA TOWEL?" "WELL" "I'M READY." "IS ONSLOW UP YET?" "I SHOUTED HIM AN HOUR AGO." "THAT'S CUTTING IT FINE." "YOU KNOW HE NEEDS AT LEAST TWO." "ONSLOW!" "HAVE YOU SEEN MY CLEAN SHIRT?" "DAISY, WHERE'S ONSLOW'S CLEAN SHIRT?" "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER?" "HE NEVER WEARS A SHIRT." "HOW'S SHE SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER?" "YOU NEVER WEAR A SHIRT." "OCCASIONS." "HE DOES ON FORMAL OCCASIONS." "HAS HE TRIED LOOKING IN THE WARDROBE?" "HAVE YOU TRIED LOOKING IN THE WARDROBE?" "HAVING BABIES EVERY YEAR." "HE HOPES YOUR LASS ISN'T" " OH!" " I HOPE THE GIRL ISN'T GOING TO MAKE A HABIT OF IT." " STOP WORRYING." "PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK WHAT THE FATHER DOES." "YOU CAN'T JUST TELL THEM, "HE GETS AWAY."" "OH, THAT'S BETTER, DEAR." "SHE'S NOT A BAD GIRL." "I'VE ALWAYS LIKED STEPHANIE." "OH, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS PIECE OF JEWELRY." "IT'LL HAVE TO DO, I'M NOT WEARING MY BEST." "WITH SOME OF ONSLOW'S CRONIES ABOUT," "I COULD BE MUGGED." "SET YOUR MIND TO IT." "YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE THE BEST OF THINGS." "AT LEAST THEY'RE BOTHERING TO HAVE THE LITTLE GIRL CHRISTENED." "KYLIE." "WHAT SORT OF A NAME IS KYLIE FOR A CHRISTIAN PERSON?" "IT SOUNDS LIKE A FOREIGN VEGETABLE." "NOW, IF ON OUR WAY WE MEET ANYONE WE KNOW," "I SEE NO HARM IN TELLING THEM" "THAT WE'RE GOING TO A CHRISTENING," "BUT I SEE NO NEED TO BE EXPLICIT ABOUT THE DETAILS." " WHO AM I GOING TO TELL?" " I'M JUST WARNING YOU," "THEY NEEDN'T BE TOLD WHERE THE CHRISTENING IS" "AND THEY CERTAINLY NEEDN'T BE TOLD" "THE EXACT CIRCUMSTANCES." "MY LIPS ARE SEALED." " GOOD DAY, ELIZABETH." " OH, GOOD MORNING, HYACINTH." "OH, YOU ARE LOOKING SMART." "OH, THANK YOU." "WE'RE OFF TO A CHRISTENING." "IT'S JUST A SMALL INTIMATE AFFAIR." "OH, VERY NICE." "FASHIONABLE?" "WELL YES," "REASONABLY FASHIONABLE." " YOU WOULDN'T GO TO ANY OTHER KIND." " HARDLY." "IS THE CAR CLEAN, RICHARD?" "IT WAS WHEN I LEFT IT TWO MINUTES AGO." "WELL, ENJOY YOUR CHRISTENING." " TRICKER THAN IT SOUNDS." " I'M SURE IT IS." "LIFE'S TRICKY ENOUGH FOR MOST OF US" "RICHARD!" "COMING, DEAR." "HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?" "DENNIS, THAT'S CRUEL." "IT'S NOT ONLY CRUEL, IT'S OBSCENE." "YOU KNOW I FINISHED WITH REG." "I HAVEN'T BEEN OUT WITH REG SINCE I STARTED WITH YOU." "OH, THAT TIME." "IF YOU WILL KEEP ON BRINGING UP THAT OCCASION, DENNIS" "THAT WAS NOTHING, IT WAS ENTIRELY INNOCENT." "I BROUGHT IN REG" "MERELY TO HELP ME WITH MY FOOTBALL COUPON." "WHAT YOU AND REG WERE DOING CERTAINLY WASN'T CRICKET." "SHUT YOUR FACE, ONSLOW." "WHEE!" "OOOH!" "IS THERE ANY BEER?" "YOU'RE NOT HAVING ANY BEER TILL AFTER THE CHRISTENING." "IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A CELEBRATION, NOT A FAMINE." "DAISY, I REALLY NEED A BEER" "ON ACCOUNT THAT YOUR HYACINTH WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE." "YOU'RE RIGHT, WE'LL BOTH HAVE A BEER." "YOU'D THINK ONSLOW WOULD'VE MADE A LITTLE EFFORT" "AND TIDIED UP FOR THE CHRISTENING." "I THINK THAT WOULD'VE QUALIFIED AS A BIG EFFORT." "I'LL PARK AT THE END." "IS YOUR FATHER GOING?" "IS HE WELL ENOUGH?" "THAT'S WHAT I INTEND TO FIND OUT." "I SHOULD DO." "IT COULD BE TRICKY." "THERE'S NO NEED TO SPEAK LIKE THAT" "ABOUT DADDY'S PROBLEMS." "I ONLY MEANT IT MIGHT BE SAFER IF YOU LEFT HIM AT HOME." "DADDY IS NOT SOME KIND OF MONSTER." "HE'S JUST A TOUCH SENILE" "IN THE NICEST POSSIBLE WAY." "LEAVE IT." "( barking )" "I COULD'VE SWORN I HAD A SET OF THESE." "ONLSOW'S MOM WON THEM AT BINGO." "PLEASE DON'T BOTHER ON OUR ACCOUNT, DAISY." "OH, YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE A DRINK WITH US." "ONSLOW'S BOUGHT SOME SHERRY." "ONSLOW?" "BOUGHT SHERRY?" "I HAD TO SNEAK IT OUT UNDER MY VEST." "VERY DEMEANING TO YOUR MACHO IMAGE." "I FELT LIKE A MAN WHO'D JUST HAD A VASECTOMY." "DID I SEE ONSLOW WEARING A TIE?" "OF COURSE HE'S WEARING A TIE." "YOU DON'T THINK HE'S GOING TO NOT WEAR A TIE AT HIS GRANDDAUGHTER'S CHRISTENING?" "HE DIDN'T WEAR A TIE AT HIS DAUGHTER'S CHRISTENING." "I DON'T THINK WE COULD AFFORD ONE THEN." "I'M GLAD ONSLOW'S COME ON SO WELL, SINCE." "HAVE YOU GOT THEM GLASSES YET?" " THERE'S NOT A FULL SET." " WHICH REMINDS ME, IS YOUR FATHER GOING?" "OF COURSE HE'S GOING." "MRS. MIDGELY'S UPSTAIRS GETTING HIM READY." " MRS. MIDGELY?" " OH, SHE'S USED TO HIM." "SHE POPS IN TO KEEP AN EYE ON HIM WHEN WE'RE OUT." "WHERE'VE YOU BEEN, REG?" "DON'T LIE TO ME," "YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER WOMAN." "I TOLD YOU" "Rose:" "WELL, I HOPE SHE'S A VERY UNDERSTANDING PERSON." "SHE'S GOING TO HAVE TO BE" "WHEN SHE SEES WHERE YOU'VE GOT MY NAME TATTOOED." "IT'S TOO LATE, REG," "I'M GOING WITH DENNIS." "WELL, IF YOU'RE NEVER IN AND YOU WON'T ANSWER YOUR TELEPHONE" "DENNIS MEANS NOTHING TO ME." "IT'S JUST A QUESTION OF A LADY NEEDING" "AN ESCORT FOR THESE SOCIAL FUNCTIONS." "I WILL NOT GO THROUGH A CHRISTENING" "WITHOUT A MALE ESCORT!" "NO, OF COURSE I DON'T LOVE DENNIS." "YOU KNOW I DON'T LOVE DENNIS, HE'S A PISCES." "THATIN,YOURUDEOLDMAN!" "AND THIS TIME" "ANY HANKY-PANKY!" "IT'SALLRIGHT," "IT'S ONLY MY DAD AND MRS. MIDGELY." "I WANT THIS TO BE A HAPPY DAY." "I DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLES" "OR ANY QUARRELING." "IT'S MY DAUGHTER'S AND MY DAUGHTER'S DAUGHTER'S DAY," " AND I WANT IT TO BE A NICE ONE." " HEAR, HEAR." "THANK YOU, RICHARD." "AND SO..." "I THINK WE OUGHT TO BE UPSTANDING" "AND HAVE A LITTLE DRINK TO START." "TO OUR STEPHANIE," "AND THE NEW BABY." "OUR STEPHANIE." "WILL YOU WAIT A MINUTE, ONSLOW?" "I HAVEN'T FINISHED YET." "SORRY." "NOW I KNOW SOME OF US MIGHT HAVE PREFERRED" "IF OUR STEPHANIE HAD WAITED UNTIL SHE GOT MARRIED," "DONE IS DONE" "AND I WANT TO MAKE THIS A HAPPY DAY." "AND THIS IS THE STUFF THAT COULD DO IT." " TO OUR STEPHANIE." " All:" "OUR STEPHANIE." " Daisy:" "AND THE NEW BABY." " Hyacinth:" "AND THE BABY." "( all gagging and choking )" "GOOD LORD!" "( choking) IT'S A BIT STRONG, ISN'T IT?" "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THE SHERRY, ONSLOW?" "IT WAS LIKE FAIRY PEE." "IT NEEDED SOMETHING." "WHAT TIME IS STEPHANIE ARRIVING?" "SHE'S DRIVING UP." "THEY'LL GO STRAIGHT TO THE CHURCH." "THEY?" "SHE'S BRINGING THE FATHER." "WE TOLD HER TO BRING THE FATHER." "WELL AT LEAST THAT'S A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION." "IT'S TIME SOMEONE MET THE FATHER." "OH, AYE, WE SAID, "BRING THE FATHER."" "THAT'LL DO, DEAR." "OH!" "NOW YOU JUST STOP THAT!" "DAISY, A QUIET WORD WITH YOU, DEAR?" " WHATEVER YOU SAY, REG." " AND YOU NOW, YOU'RE FINISHED." "GOODBYE." "WHAT'S WRONG, HYACINTH?" "I GAVE YOU THE BEST SHERRY GLASS." "NO, IT'S NOT THE GLASS, DEAR." "NOW, WE'RE ALL DADDY'S CHILDREN HERE." " IT'S UP TO US TO DECIDE." " DECIDE WHAT?" "SHOULD IT BE REG OR SHOULD IT BE DENNIS?" "OH, NOW PAY ATTENTION, WILL YOU, ROSE?" "WE HAVE TO DECIDE," "IS DADDY GOING TO THE CHRISTENING?" "OF COURSE HE'S GOING TO THE CHRISTENING." "MRS. MIDGELY'S UPSTAIRS GETTING HIM READY." "DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A LITTLE UNWISE TO INVOLVE THE NEIGHBORS, DAISY?" "OH, SHE'S VERY GOOD WITH HIM." "SHE'S MORE HIS OWN AGE." "WOULDN'T IT BE BETTER THEN, IF WE LEFT HER HERE" "TO LOOK AFTER HIM UNTIL WE CAME BACK?" "HE'S GOING TO THE CHRISTENING!" "HE WANTS TO GO TO THE CHRISTENING!" "EVERYBODY WANTS TO GO TO THE CHRISTENING." "EVEN REG WANTS TO GO TO THE CHRISTENING" "Hyacinth and Daisy:" "OH, NEVER MIND ABOUT REG." "WHAT CONDITION IS DAD IN?" "WILL IT BE TOO MUCH FOR HIM TO GO TO THE CHRISTENING?" "I DON'T SEE WHY." "ONLY HALF AN HOUR IN CHURCH," "THEN ROUND TO THE PUB FOR A FEW SANDWICHES." "A PUBLIC HOUSE?" "WE'VE GOT A PRIVATE ROOM." "BUT IS DADDY FIT ENOUGH?" "( thuds )" "YOU CHEEKY OLD DEVIL!" "TO TURN YOUR BACK ON YOU." "HE SOUNDS FIT ENOUGH." "WE'LL GIVE ROSE A LIFT." "I'M NOT TAKING DADDY." "I'M NOT BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR TAKING DADDY TO THE CHRISTENING." "HE'S BEING MOVED AGAINST MY ADVICE." "AFTER YOU, RICHARD." "LADIES FIRST." "NORMALLY I WOULD AGREE," "BUT THIS TIME YOU CAN GO FIRST." "HYACINTH," "SUPPOSE ALL THIS POWER GOES TO MY HEAD?" "JUST WALK PAST THAT CAR" "IN CASE THAT ANIMAL IS IN THERE." "FOR SOME REASON, THAT DOG ALWAYS BARKS AT ME." "( barking )" "I THINK THESE AFFAIRS PUT FAR TOO MUCH STRESS" "ON DADDY IN HIS PRESENT CONDITION." "IT'S UNFAIR TO EXPOSE HIM TO ALL THIS EXCITEMENT." "MAYBE HE LIKES A BIT OF EXCITEMENT." " WHO TOLD YOU THAT?" " I'M JUST SAYING" "I WON'T HAVE YOU SPREADING RUMORS" "THAT DADDY LIKES EXCITEMENT." "IS THAT MRS. MIDGELY?" "I EXPECT SHE'S BEEN GOSSIPING." "BLOW THE HORN, ROSE SHOULD BE HERE BY NOW." "( horn blows )" "SHE SAID SHE'D BE READY." "I CAN SEE IT'S GOING TO BE ONE OF THOSE CHAOTIC AFFAIRS." "BLOW IT AGAIN, DEAR." " LET'S GET AWAY FROM HERE" "BEFORE I'M SEEN BY ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME SOCIALLY." "KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, RICHARD." "STAY IN THE CAR FOR A MOMENT, ROSE, THE VICAR'S COMING." "WELL, WE'RE ALL HERE TO SEE THE VICAR." "I'M NOT AT ALL SURE THAT SKIRT IS SUITABLE FOR A VICAR." "AHHH." "AH, MRS. BUCKET." ""BOUQUET."" "YES, OF COURSE, "BOUQUET."" " HOW ARE YOU?" " BEARING UP" "OH!" " AND THIS IS?" " MY HUSBAND, RICHARD." " YES, RICHARD." " HOW ARE YOU, VICAR?" "OH, HELL, IT'S REG AND DENNIS." " SHE'S WITH ME." " SHE'S WITH ME." "STOP TUGGING ME ABOUT." " TELL HIM YOU'RE WITH ME." " TELL HIM YOU'RE WITH ME!" "WAS THAT YOUR SISTER?" "SO MANY NICE HATS," "I DO HOPE THE ACID RAIN HOLDS OFF." "MOTHER AND BABY NOT ARRIVED YET?" "NOT YET." "I MET STEPHANIE ONCE, I REMEMBER." "I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO MEETING HER HUSBAND." "EXCUSE ME." "AREN'T WE ALL?" "RICHARD, WAIT HERE A MOMENT." "EXCUSE ME." "GOOD MORNING." " MORNING." " MORNING." "OH, I THINK IT MAY HOLD OFF." " MIND YOU, THE GARDENS COULD DO WITH IT." " OH" "I'M JUST CHECKING, MY SISTER VIOLET ISN'T HERE YET?" "YOU'LL LIKE VIOLET." "I MAY HAVE MENTIONED VIOLET AT THE BRING 'N' BUY." "SHE MARRIED THE TURF ACCOUNTANT." "THEY LIVE IN THAT BIG HOUSE" "WITH THE SWIMMING POOL AND SAUNA." " DO THEY, REALLY?" " I CAN'T SAY I LIKE HIM." "HE HAS A TENDENCY TO HANDLE YOU MORE THAN NECESSARY." "SOME OF HIS JOKES ARE A LITTLE OFF-COLOR," "BUT HE IS A ROTARIAN." "THAT GIVES VIOLET" "ALL THE ADVANTAGES OF A NEW MERCEDES" "AND HER OWN CASH CARD." "RICHARD KEEPS PRESSING ME TO HAVE MY OWN CASH CARD," " DON'T YOU, DEAR?" " I DO?" " YES, YOU DO." " YES, I DO." "I'M NEVER SURE HOW TO WORK THOSE CASHPOINT THINGS." " YOU JUST" " I'D NEVER PUT A CARD OF MINE IN ONE OF THOSE MACHINES." "YOU NEVER KNOW WHO'S BEEN BEFORE." " EXCUSE ME." " YOU'LL LIKE VIOLET." "SHE HAS THE SORT OF LIFESTYLE" "IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I MUST JUST CHECK" "THE TEMPERATURE OF THE WATER IN THE FONT." "I THINK WE'LL SURVIVE THE DAY BETTER IF WE STICK WITH VIOLET." "SOMEONE HAS TO FLY THE FLAG OF FINESSE." "I'D SOONER BE WITH YOUR DAISY." "DAISY'S CHEERFUL." "SHE'S ALSO MARRIED TO ONSLOW." "AT LEAST ONSLOW'S CHEERFUL." "VIOLET'S ALWAYS MOANING." "RICHARD, THAT IS NO WAY TO SPEAK" "ABOUT THE OWNER OF A NEW MERCEDES." " SHE'S SITTING WITH ME!" " SHE'S SITTING WITH ME!" "WE'LL ALL SIT TOGETHER." "I THINK WE'D BETTER GO AND SEE WHO'S ARRIVING." "EXCUSE ME." "JUST LET ME THROUGH, PLEASE." "EXCUSE ME." "EXCUSE ME, VICAR," "I WONDER IF YOU'VE SPOTTED THE ARRIVAL OF A NEW MERCEDES." " IT'LL BE MY SISTER." " REALLY?" "I'VE NOT SEEN ONE, NO." "MY SISTER VIOLET-- HE'S VERY BIG IN RACING CIRCLES." "SPORT OF KINGS, YOU KNOW." "HE ONCE SAW HER MAJESTY PICKING AT A PRAWN COCKTAIL" "THROUGH BINOCULARS, I ASSUME." "IT WAS AT KEMPTON PARK, OF COURSE, NOT ASCOT." "OTHERWISE, SHE'D HAVE BEEN ON THE SMOKED SALMON." "HE BUILT HER THAT BIG HOUSE WITH THE SWIMMING POOL AND SAUNA." "NOT THAT I THINK ONE SHOULD GO IN FOR A GREAT DEAL OF SHOW." "I HAVE THIS BIBLICAL CONVICTION THAT SIMPLICITY IS BEST." "AH!" "HERE'S GRANDFATHER AND GRANDMOTHER NOW." "( backfires )" "MADE IT, VICAR!" "HELLO, ONSLOW," "AND DAISY." "YOU'VE STILL GOT THE OLD BONESHAKER, I SEE." "AYE, AND THE CAR'S AS BAD AS EVER." "THEY'RE VERY FAMILIAR WITH THE VICAR." "Mrs. Midgely:" "OH!" "THAT'S THE LAST TIME I'M SITTING IN A BACK SEAT WITH HIM!" "HANDS ALL OVER THE PLACE." "POOR DADDY," "FIGHTING FOR AIR." "HIS BREATHING'S NOT WHAT IT USED TO BE." "IT'S HEAVIER!" "( laughs )" "Rose:" "WHAT TIME IS IT?" "WHAT TIME WAS STEPHANIE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE?" "IN MY EXPERIENCE, ARRANGEMENTS ALWAYS GO WRONG." "WE CAN'T START WITHOUT HER." "WHAT WE COULD DO IS GO ACROSS TO THE PUB AND WET THE BABY'S HEAD." "WE'LL STAY HERE." "OH!" "AH!" "I WONDERED WHERE DAD HAD GOT TO." "THERE'S BEEN A PHONE CALL." "YOUR DAUGHTER'S BROKEN DOWN." "BUT ONLY A COUPLE OF MILES FROM HERE." " I'LL FETCH HER." " NO, IT NEEDS A RELIABLE CAR." "WHOO!" "WHAT WAS THAT?" "IF YOU'LL GIVE US THE DIRECTIONS, VICAR." "Hyacinth:" "I WISH MY FAMILY WOULD LEAVE" "THE ORGANIZATION OF SOCIAL FUNCTIONS TO ME." "AFTER ALL, I'VE HAD ALL THAT EXPERIENCE" "WITH MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS." "THEY'RE DOING THEIR BEST, HYACINTH." "THEIR BEST ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH." "AT LEAST ONSLOW WAS WEARING A TIE." "AND COULDN'T STOP FIDDLING WITH IT." "AND LORD KNOWS WHAT DADDY WAS FIDDLING WITH." "Richard:" "AT LEAST IT'S STOPPED RAINING." "FIVE MILES." "WE SHOULD HAVE FOUND THEM BY NOW." "PERHAPS THEY GOT IT STARTED AND GONE ON THEIR WAY." "WELL, THAT'S VERY THOUGHTLESS." "TYPICAL LACK OF CONSIDERATION." "LOOK AT THOSE TWO." "WHEN I THINK OF WHAT DADDY HAD TO DO" "IN THE WAR TO MAKE THE WORLD SAFE." "I THOUGHT HE WAS A DRIVER." "I CAN'T TELL YOU EVERYTHING, DEAR." "IT WAS VERY HUSH-HUSH." "OH." "HELLO?" "IS THAT THE VICARAGE?" "OH, THANK GOODNESS." "MMM?" "THIS IS A VERY BAD LINE FOR ECCLESIASTICAL PURPOSES." "COULD I SPEAK TO YOUR HUSBAND?" "MMM." "YES, I KNOW HE'S GOT A CHRISTENING." "I'M AT THE CHRISTENING." "THE SMARTER END." "IT'S MY SISTER'S DAUGHTER WHO HAS THE BABY." "MMM." "I'M HYACINTH "BOUQUET," YOU REMEMBER." "WE MET ONCE AT AN INTERCHURCH" "MMM?" "SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE GROANING ON THE LINE." "OH THAT'S BETTER." "WE MET ONCE AT AN INTERCHURCH BRING 'N' BUY." "YES." "MY WHITE ELEPHANTS CORNERED THE MARKET." "I'M RINGING FROM A CALL BOX," "NOT FROM MY OWN WHITE SLIMLINE DIGITAL TELEPHONE," "BECAUSE I'M STUCK OUT HERE IN THE WILDS SOMEWHERE" "LOOKING FOR THE MOTHER AND CHILD." "THEY'VE BROKEN DOWN-- OR AT LEAST THEY HAD." "WE DON'T SEEM TO BE ABLE TO FIND THEM." "MMM." "I'M RINGING TO INQUIRE" "IF THEY HAVE NOW ARRIVED," "AND IF NOT, WOULD YOU PLEASE FIND SOMEONE" "WHO COULD SUPPLY ME WITH A DESCRIPTION OF THEIR VEHICLE?" "MMM." "ALL RIGHT, I'LL HOLD." "WHAT'S WRONG?" "WE'VE PASSED THEM." "HOW CAN WE HAVE PASSED THEM?" "THOSE HIPPIES WITH THE VAN." "OH, MY." "EXACTLY." " THAT'S GREAT, MAN." " SAVED OUR LIVES, MAN." "Hyacinth:" "NOW JUST A MINUTE!" "BEFORE YOU TAKE" "YOU SAVED OUR LIVES." "WE'RE GOING TO A CHRISTENING." "WE KNOW." "UNCLE RICHARD." " AUNT HYACINTH." " HOW ARE YOU, DEAR?" "I'M FINE, AUNT HYACINTH." "IT'S JUST THE VAN." "THE BATTERY'S FLAT." " MOVE UP THEN, CAN'T YOU?" " SHE CAN'T." "RICHARD, THIS IS OUT OF THE QUESTION." "( crying )" "RIGHT." "LET'S START COOKING, MAN." "( engine rumbles )" "PSST!" " WHICH ONE IS THE FATHER?" " I DON'T KNOW." "IT MUST BE THAT ONE." "I HOPE SO." "( baby crying )" "LET ME HAVE A GO" "WITH THE VAN." "( bell tolls )" "STOP FIDDLING WITH YOUR TIE, ONSLOW." "I FEEL LIKE THE FIRST MAN IN OUR FAMILY TO BE HANGED." "HERE'S OUR VIOLET." "JOCKEY BUSINESS LOOKS GOOD." "HE GETS MOST OF YOUR MONEY FOR A START." "( engine rumbles )" "WHICH ONE OF YOU IS THE FATHER?" "Both:" "I AM." " ME." " I AM." " I ASKED HER, SHE TOLD ME." " WHAT NOW?" "THEY'RE ARGUING WHICH ONE IS THE FATHER." "WHICH ONE IS THE FATHER?" "( engine starts )" "DID THEY TELL YOU WHICH ONE'S THE FATHER?" "NEVER MIND." "IT'S TIME WE WERE GOING." "( engine rumbles )" "( bell tolls )" " IT'S OUR STEPH!" " ABOUT TIME." "I WILL NOT BE FILMED EMERGING FROM A HIPPY CARAVANETTE." "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR CAR?" "RICHARD WORE IT OUT." "Richard:" "THAT'S HARDLY FAIR." "Vicar:" "IT'S A LOVELY BABY." "WHICH ONE'S THE FATHER?" "LET'S GO INTO THE CHURCH, SHALL WE?" "RICHARD, DON'T DALLY." "I'M HARDLY DALLYING, HYACINTH." "IF WE GO IN FIRST, WE CAN HIDE BEHIND THE PILLAR." "IS IT THE TALL ONE?" "WELL, AT LEAST IT'S STOPPED RAINING." "TELL ME, VICAR... ( theme music playing )"