"ZELDA:" "I have something to tell you." "Something that could change all our lives forever." "You're buying me a new car." "You're having my baby." "Stop it." "Let her talk." "You see" "Oh, we're finally getting a cabana boy!" "No!" "Now, I know you're not going to like what I'm about to say, but be warned, I don't want to hear it." "Say it!" "Okay..." "I think Willard Kraft is going to propose to me." "I don't want to hear it!" "Will you excuse us?" "( both screaming )" "I heard that." "( upbeat rock theme playing )" "Who you calling chicken?" "I was so excited about getting a job at the school store until I found out Mr. Kraft is gonna be my boss." "Well, I was so excited about life until I found out Mr. Kraft is gonna be my new step-uncle." "Your Aunt Zelda's marrying Mr. Kraft?" "It can't be." "Oh, it be." "I am so, so sorry." "I've got a plan." "I'm gonna act as obnoxious as possible." "He won't wanna live with a troubled teen." "Sabrina, can I talk to you alone?" "Sure." "If we can get rid of Miss Third Wheel over here." "Sorry." "I was just trying to act obnoxious for Mr. Kraft." "Oh." "Good." "I was worried it was a new nickname." "Miss Third Wheel." "I like it." "So I have something important to tell you." "Harvey, your Adam's apple is quivering." "This is perfect." "Nice and quiet." "Sabrina, I... ( rap music playing over stereo )" "Anyways, Sabrina... ( jackhammer pounding )" "I" " I" " I just want to say that... ( cars crashing )" "Sabrina, I... ( school bell rings )" "I give up!" "Okay, well, let's get together and almost talk another time." "So as you may or may not know, next Saturday we're having our policemen's ball, and I was wondering-- Well, I'd love to go, um..." "Dale." "Ma'am, I'm selling tickets." "Oh." "Well, I'll take two." "Will there be firemen there?" "What you reading?" "Nothing." "Well, I'm off to the kitchen." "Today's Bride?" "!" "I accidentally picked it up instead of Omni." "SALEM:" "Zelda!" "Excuse me." "Zelda, darling, as your bridal consultant," "I insist you make some decisions." "Ice sculpture or chocolate fountain?" "Both would be gauche." "And when did Salem become Mr. Salem?" "I just want a simple garden ceremony." "Honey, if we're going that route, let's just book a polka band." "Am I the only one unwilling to overlook the obvious?" "That Salem is fired?" "Huh?" "No." "Obvious fact number one:" "Willard hasn't asked you to marry him yet." "And obvious fact number two" "Heh." "You said, "number two."" "Willard is unfortunately still in love with me." "I don't know why you want to marry a man who's pining after your sister." "You forgot to mention obvious fact number three:" "you're nuts!" "Hey, do you have any idea what Harvey was trying to tell me?" "Do you mind?" "I need a notebook that doesn't clash with my sweater." "Today." "That'll be $1.95." "I hate to ask you this, but could I pay you later?" "I spent all my allowance on my cousin's prosthetic leg." "Oh, Libby, that's so sad." "Yeah, I'll..." "I'll write you an IOU." "Valerie, I don't think she's going to pay you back." "Why?" "Uh, well, there's her lame excuse, the fact that she's Libby..." "She bought the cousin story." "And that." "Hey there!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Ugh!" "There's future Uncle Mr. Kraft." "I wish my Aunt Zelda realized what a villain he is." "I know." "I get woozy every time he heads my way." "Is he heading my way?" "Yep." "Time to put my most obnoxious foot forward." "Well, I just scored a shipment of used computer science books." "There haven't been that many technological advances since the '50s." "Yeah?" "You and what army?" "Okay, that wasn't obnoxious." "That was just stupid." "Maybe Mr. Kraft won't want to live with an idiot." "Now, what makes you so sure that Willard is going to propose?" "Look, there have been many hints." "If you don't believe me, just bake a wedding-indicator cake." "Good idea." "The proposal hints We will review" "Does this schlub Want to marry you?" "Zoo-zoo, there is something personal" "I've been working up the courage to ask you." "ZELDA:" "Okay, monkey, what is it?" "Now, be patient, my love." "First, you must meet Grammy Kraft so she can give us her blessings." "Blessings?" "She's probably a lady of the cloth." "Please, just give me a teensy weensy little cluey wooey." "Well..." "let's just say that this spring might be a pretty busy time for us." "Spring, ha-ha." "Spring wedding?" "Spring bride?" "Get it?" "Hello!" "Whoa!" "The man has not gotten over me." "Willard!" "Not to worry." "The rosette broke my fall." "Do you see the way he's looking at me?" "Okay." "I'll take your IOU, but you have to sign it." "Here you go." "Have a nice day." ""Obi-Wan Ken..."" "Hey!" "Hey, Valerie, I need to talk to you about Sabrina." "Harvey, your Adam's apple's quivering." "I want to tell her something." "Something I've never told another girl before, but I can't get the words out." "Well, what is it?" "( sighing ):" "I love you." "Aw!" "You do know I meant Sabrina, right?" "That is so sweet." "You've gotta tell her." "What if she doesn't say it back?" "I'll be devastated." "( bell rings )" "I gotta go." "Whatever you do, don't tell Sabrina anything." "Harvey wants to say "I love you."" "He's never said it to another girl before." "Harvey loves me?" "Harvey Kinkle loves me?" "Sounds better without the Kinkle, doesn't it?" "Yeah." "But, look, he's afraid that you won't say it back." "Of course I'd say it back." "I feel it back." "So you're sure she'll say it back?" "Well, how do you know?" "It's...a girl thing." "Then I'll tell her this Friday." "That'll give me time to get a haircut." "This Friday?" "Yes, but you know nothing." "( Kraft clears throat )" "Have I lost my mind, or should you two hens be in class?" "Okay, that was a perfect chance for you to be obnoxious." "I've changed tacks." "If I can find one thing I can stand about Mr. Kraft, one tiny, little thing, I can focus on that and that'll get me through to college..." "KRAFT:" "Just what part of "tuck your shirt in" don't you understand?" "Well, he doesn't hit." "One tiny little thing!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "You mean, meow!" "( chuckling )" "A little cat humor." "Very little." "I've got a hangnail on my pointing finger." "Oh, that's wonderful." "You might want to work on your bedside manner." "Oh, I'm sorry." "It's just I'm relieved your magic is out." "Willard and his grandmother are coming to dinner tonight and you won't be able to use your magic to spoil the evening." "She's still got a mouth." "I think he's going to propose." "He said he's bringing a very special box." "Probably pine lined in satin." "( clears throat )" "Move." "I know I can find something" "I like about Willard Kraft." "I know I can." "Miss Birkhead, you get these deadbeats to pay up or it is coming out of your own paycheck." "What?" "Oh, please, save your tears for debtors' prison." "Move." "( sighs )" "He has no odor to speak of." "Harvey, I'd love to go out on Friday." "I mean, how are you?" "Fine." "So I was wondering, wanna go out on Friday?" "Okay." "Okay." "( Valerie crying ) Excuse me," "I have to go visit Lake Valerie." "There." "Now, what should I make for dessert?" "No." "It looks like I'm trying too hard." "Me like pie." "Pie." "Marvelous." "Grammy Kraft is bound to like one of these." "Hangnail...caught...help." "Hold still." "Oh." "Thanks." "Could you zip me up, please?" "Gladly." "( laughing )" "I meant the dress." "I love you." "I love ya." "I love you." "I love you too." "If you loved me, you'd knock." "So, what's new?" "Eh, not much." "Got a letter from Mom." "Killed a plant." "Oh, and overheard that Mr. Kraft is asking for Zelda's hand in marriage tonight." "Tonight?" "( gasping ):" "I need air." "That did absolutely nothing." "Aunt Hilda, is it true?" "I thought we had more time." "I know." "He's marrying Zelda to get back at me." "The ultimate revenge." "What are we gonna do?" "I've done everything, I even stooped so low" "I tried to see the good." "I guess we just have to accept it and envision ourselves as one big, happy family." "( "The Brady Bunch Theme" playing )" "I'll take Jan Brady to block." "Why does Mr. Kraft have to rear his ugly head now?" "I should be looking forward to my date with Harvey and those words that'll make it the happiest day ever." "What's happening Friday?" "Nothing." "I want everything to be just perfect." "There." "We're going to have a lovely supper and then afterwards, you'll wheel Grammy Kraft into our new handicap bathroom." "You do that for him, and yet I can't have a racquetball court?" "And then Willard will ask me to be his wife, and I'll say yes, and everything will be wonderful, and we will all live tolerantly ever after." "( doorbell rings )" "( gasps )" "They're here." "Oh, I hope I look okay." "She's so excited." "We've only been thinking about ourselves." "Well, you're just a teenager and I'm...me." "I know, but, look, we can't ruin it for her, okay?" "We've got to make a pact." "We won't say a word, no matter what Willard Kraft says." "No matter how offensive or vile." "Hello." "Well, that's my breaking point." "Mine too." "Well, I guess we should shut the door." "There's a real storm brewing." "Well, where's Grammy Kraft?" "She's coming." "She... always insists on driving her own car despite the legal blindness." "We are still going to have a family dinner, though, aren't we?" "Oh, yes." "Hilda and Sabrina just went upstairs to... check on their ant farm." "Their workers are trying to unionize." "There's got to be a way for us to keep quiet through dinner." "I know a "mum's the word" spell, but my magic's still out." "Oh, I'd be happy to shut your mouth." "Hey, you know what I mean." "Okay." "Here it is." "So nothing unkind Will be heard" "Just remember Mum's the word" "Okay, let's do a test." "( as Kraft ):" "Sorry, my heart belongs to Zoo-zoo." "Mum." "That's great, Aunt Hilda." "Mum." "Is that all you can say?" "What a stupid spell." "Oh!" "Okay." "I think I'm gonna go with "if you can't say anything nice" spell." ""To enact spell, press here."" "MAN:" "Cripes, shut your pie hole." "Yeah, that's more like it." "And you don't think we should have waited for Grammy Kraft?" "No, she's a slow driver, and she's always stopping for hitchhikers." "Listen." "Are you gonna finish those potatoes?" "Mum." "You're right." "They are good." "Sabrina, you've been awfully quiet and that's greatly appreciated." "But why don't you tell us about school?" "KRAFT:" "Yeah, I'd love to hear about that ant farm." "( doorbell rings )" "Mm." "Oh." "Yeah, I think Grammy's really gonna like you." "And later on, I want to get you alone and finally ask you that question." "You have a question for me?" "KRAFT:" "Mm-hm." "Gosh, I wonder what that could be." "Um, Sabrina, I have something to say to you, and it can't wait till Friday." "Yes, I know my Adam's apple's quivering." "I have to get this off my chest and please don't say anything until I finish." "Oh." "You don't need to take notes." "I'll be brief." "Sabrina..." "I love you." "Jump in any time here." "I should have known a girl like you wouldn't love a guy like me." "( dramatic piano theme playing )" "Oh!" "It's nice to hear the sound of my own voice." "¶ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-- ¶" "( choking )" "I gather you want an explanation." "Did you put a silent spell on you and Hilda?" "Well, when you incant two silent spells under one roof, everything under the roof becomes a silent movie." "Why didn't it kick in when you cast the spells?" "Uh, 'cause." "Why am I so worthless?" "That's just rude." "( upbeat piano theme playing )" "Sabrina?" "I can't find my car keys." "( thunder rumbling )" "( upbeat piano theme playing )" "Sabrina, I sure hope you know what I should do about Mr. Kraft." "( dramatic piano theme playing )" "Hey, we're in color." "( gasping ):" "And I can talk!" "Just reminding myself to appreciate the little things." "Sabrina, I just want you to know that I understand if you don't feel the same way about" "Harvey..." "I love you." "Really?" "Cool." "Very cool." "So now that we've got that out of our systems, would you excuse me for a minute?" "Would you excuse us a minute?" "Excuse us." "Miss Birkhead?" "Are you having any luck recouping those IOUs?" "I'm selling my kidney on Ebay." "So the movie ended just 'cause Harvey and I kissed?" "Whoo!" "Sabrina, a silent movie always ends with a kiss." "Or some wacky outtakes." "ZELDA:" "I can't believe I spent half my special evening over-gesturing." "I'm sorry, Aunt Zelda." "We just didn't want to say anything that would ruin your big moment." "But thankfully, my mistake showed you that Mr. Kraft really is a villain." "Uh-huh, and Harvey really is a Mountie." "It was just a movie." "Are you upset just 'cause you weren't the lead?" "Everyone continue enjoying pie..." "You bet." "Except you." "Wha...?" "What?" "Well, we're... finally alone." "Uh-huh." "So..." "What was this question you wanted to ask me?" "Yes, there is a question." "Would you mind getting down on one knee?" "Oh." "No, um..." "Oh, Zoo-zoo, my dear." "( romantic theme playing )" "Will you... ( sighing )" "( exhales )" "Will you...do my taxes?" "Receipts?" "I've waited my whole life for this?" "You know, for some reason" "I thought the night we proclaimed our love would be more romantic." "Me too, but this is good pie." "Aunt Zelda, I'm sorry things didn't turn out the way you wanted them to." "Well, it all worked out." "Willard and I talked, and... once we cleaned the shards of glass out of his mustache, he asked me to go steady." "( all squealing )" "So you are happy for me?" "Oh, we're just happy you're not getting married." "( thunder crashing )" "( gasps ) ( ape groans )" "Did my silent movie spell turn into a horror movie spell?" "No, it's just another relative with another clue to the family secret." "Oh, I see the family resemblance." "Aunt Hilda, you look just like Fay Wray." "You think?" "Fay Wray is the clue, but we are related to Kong." "He's a third cousin with a pituitary problem." "Oh, okay, so I've got Fay, a picture of me and a picture of Robert E. Lee." "Fay...me..." "Lee." "Family!" "So the Spellman family secret is about the Spellman family." "I got nothing." "SALEM:" "Sure, I'd love to hang out with you guys." "Call the Air Force!"