"What do you want up here?" "I'm here to find John Maxwell Avery." "I said I'm here to find John Maxwell Avery." "And now you've found him." "I'm John Avery." "Tom Hendrix, Attorney General's office." "Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Hendrix." "I'm here to take you back." "Back where, sir?" "Washington." "Under direct orders of the President of the United States." "Really?" "And who are the gentlemen with you?" "Marshal Kirby of Pima County, and a deputy." "You'll be granted the protection of presidential custody." "Well, now, that sounds impressive." "I have my orders, Mr. Avery." "So you do, and from Washington." "I would advise you not to try anything foolish, Marshal." "You can take the body back with you, and you can tell Washington... there's my answer." "Are you Mr. West?" "No, sir." "If you will follow me?" "Chopin's "Nocturne in E Flat," gentlemen, and beautifully executed, wouldn't you say?" "Artemus Gordon, gentlemen, at your service." "Tennyson, where's my coffee?" "And that, gentlemen, is Mr. West." "Your coffee is almost ready, sir, and your guests have arrived." "Gentlemen." "Captain Davis." "Marshal Kirby." "Won't you gentlemen please sit down?" "Appreciate your hospitality, Mr. West, but I'd much rather learn what this is all about." "Just as you say, Captain." "There was some mention of help." "What kind of help, Mr. West?" "The army's spread thin out here." "No time to play guide to visiting tourists." "The Secret Service takes a dim view of pleasure trips, Captain." "We're here to find John Avery." "Look, John Avery is a stinking butcher." "Him and his thieving gang have turned this area into a slaughterhouse, leaving nothing but a trail of blood." "That trail still must lead somewhere." "It does." "Up there among those devil-cursed rocks." "A deserted, worked- out mining camp- that's where you'll find John Avery." "Can't the army flush him out, Captain?" "Mr. West, we've been up there." "A full troop, all the men we could spare." "There are 22 new military graves to prove our attempt." "Would you like to see those graves?" "Thank you, Captain." "We have our assignment." "Still, I think a man could work his way up there alone." "If a man was foolish enough to try, and if a man was lucky enough to reach John Avery, even get close enough to kill him, that man wouldn't stand a chance of getting out of there alive." "Our assignment's not to kill him." "It's to find him and bring him back alive." "I'm sorry, gentlemen." "I wish we could help you, but if you still intend to find John Avery, there are two things we can offer." "What's that?" "Our condolences, and a decent burial." "Good day, gentlemen." "Mr. West." "Well..." "I say let's wire Washington and ask for another assignment." "Something simple, like, uh, cutting our throats." "Oh, we don't bring Avery back, and they probably will." "Mmm." "Why is the president so anxious to bring him back alive?" "Avery was a big man in Washington, you know that." "A close confidant to the president." "Sure, till they found out that he was a corrupt, vicious political manipulator." "Too many people think the president fixed it so Avery could get away, and now the president has to personally produce Avery at a Senate hearing." "Bringing Avery back alive could stop a scandal that would rock the nation." "Ah, now it's clear." "James, my boy, you're grinning like an undertaker ready to dress a corpse." "Mine." "Artemus, have you ever considered returning to the stage?" "Yes, many times, and never more seriously than right now." "What are you looking at my violin like that for?" "Um, a Trojan horse." "An innocent show wagon, traveling in the west and innocently getting lost." "Oh, no, oh, no." "That gambit is not going to work with me." "If you think I'm going to step into a coffin just because you hold out an offer for me to get back on a stage, not on your life." "Ah, trodding the boards again." "Performing before an audience." "The sound of applause." "A standing ovation." "And no song and dance, now, Jim." "Readings from the Bard." "From Hamlet to King Lear." "Hamlet." "Looks like the game's started." "Only one man?" "Avery can't be that short-handed." "What are you doing out here?" "We're on our way to Pima." "Uh, yes, my good man." "An engagement there." "Pima's 20 miles the other way." "No!" "Another wrong turn, Mr. Whitney." "When will you learn?" "Thank you very much, my good sir." "Now we'll just turn this thing about." "Mister, we don't take to strangers coming this close, best you keep right on coming." "Sam!" "Ride back and tell" "Mr. Avery we're bringing in some visitors." "What about our engagement in Pima?" "Let's go." "Uh, do as the man says, Mr. Whitney." "Found them headed this way, Mr. Avery." "They claim they're lost, but I figured you'd want to look them over." "Which one of you is in charge?" "Here, sir- Conroy Whitney." "My partner, Mr. Artemus Gordon." "Mason, search them." "Check the wagon from top to bottom." "Perhaps you'll perform for us, Mr. Whitney." "My men could use a little diversion." "Well, at least Avery was kind enough not to put a guard on us." "Why bother?" "He's got the place surrounded like a fortress." "We'd never get out the way we came in." "My guess is there's another way out- an escape route set up by Avery just in case." "All right, James, let's assume you're right, and that we even find it." "Now, how do you propose to invite Avery to join us?" "I'll try to endear myself to him." "Uh-huh." "James, my boy, start endearing." "Mr. Avery, I've been hoping to see you." "Were you, Mr. Whitney?" "The way we were brought here, almost like prisoners." "Are we your prisoners, Mr. Avery?" ""Prisoners" sounds so melodramatic." "Let's just say that you're my guests." "Oh..." "Artemus, I told you he was a gentleman." "A man of his character doesn't change." "Then we've met before, Mr. Whitney?" "Well, never socially, but, uh, when I played Washington, the name John Avery was very important in politics and in society." "Box "A" at the theater?" "And now you find me out here, in a place like this." "Oh, as I find myself, sir." "A turn of the cards." "That's right, Mr. Whitney." "A turn of the cards." "You're overdoing it, you ham." "Mr. Whitney, my men tell me they have found two rifles in your wagon." "Traveling in this wilderness, one must take defense measures." "And you're on your way to Pima?" "Yes, yes, an engagement there." "And you lost your way?" "Mm." "I'm looking forward to seeing your performance this evening." "That's a very tough and cool customer." "Agreed." "Still has to be another way out of here." "You finish setting up." "I'm going to take a look around." "Well?" "I still think he's nothing but a fancy-hatted dude, Mr. Avery." "Harmless as a baby jackrabbit." "We can't afford the luxury of thinking." "Mason, round up the boys, and we'll find out just how harmless he is." "Howdy." "Howdy, Mr. Mason." "Nice to see you again." "You know, that's one fancy hat you got there, Mr. Play Actor." "Oh, thank you very much." "You know, I ain't been able to get that pretty hat out of my thoughts." "Mr. Mason..." "Hey, Chuck, you ever seen a hat like that?" "Well, now that you mention it, I ain't." "Mr. Mason, I don't want any trouble." "What did you call me?" "All right, Jim, that's enough." "We got to play the game their way." "Chuck, you're going to let him call me that?" "Oh, I don't know why I should." "Come on, you can do better than that." "Hold it." "I must apologize for my men, Mr. Whitney." "They can get a little boisterous." "Boisterous?" "Rowdies, that's what they are, Mr. Avery." "Rowdies." "Yeah, he's harmless all right, Mr. Avery." "Yeah, it certainly appears that way, doesn't it?" "Yeah, if he was a federal man, he'd sure know how to take care of himself." "Wouldn't take that kind of a beating." "But suppose he was a bounty hunter?" "There's still a generous price on my head, Chuck." "How you going to go about finding that out?" "By giving him his opportunity." "Mr. Whitney..." "I do regret what happened." "The feeling's mutual." "I would like to make amends." "Oh, don't bother." "There's no bother, Mr. Whitney." "I was on my way to enjoy a little sport." "Why don't you join me?" "Sport, Mr. Avery?" "Hunting." "I find it relaxing and, uh, a wonderful way for men to get to know each other." "I don't know anything about hunting." "He doesn't even know which end of the rifle to hold." "We'll be ready to leave in half an hour, Mr. Whitney." "Do you call this "sport," Mr. Avery?" "My own private hunting preserve," "Mr. Whitney." "I doubt if many men can lay claim to such a luxury." "I suppose I'll miss all of this when I leave." "You're leaving?" "Oh, yes, of course." "Greener pastures, you might say." "Canada, Europe..." "It all depends on the financial gains I realize here." "From what I've seen, you've been quite successful." "Then you've seen the wanted posters on John Avery, huh?" "Tell me, Mr. Whitney, do they do me justice?" "Well, let's say they show a healthy interest in you." "Last I heard, it was $10,000." "Oh, it's up to 15 now." "Ooh." "I feel honored." "Imagine what a man like you could do with $15,000." "For a man who knows nothing about rifles, you caught that quite professionally." "Well, it was an accident." "Pure instinct." "$15,000, Mr. Whitney." "Doesn't instinct make you want to point that rifle at me and pull the trigger?" "You're not a stupid man, Mr. Avery." "I have no interest in the money, but even if I did, how far do think I'd get with... blanks?" "Blanks, Mr. Whitney?" "Hey, Whitney!" "Come on, Mr. Avery wants to see you." "But we're preparing for the show." "Mr. Avery says now." "Trouble?" "Let's hope not." "At least not till I finish my soliloquy." "This is hardly what I'd expect from a man of Mr. Avery's tastes." "Mr. Whitney?" "Yes." "Won't you come in?" "Please?" "Thank you." "Mr. Avery sure is a gentleman of elegant taste, ain't he?" "That would be a difficult point to argue." "Listen, um, that show wagon, is it really yours?" "Mm-hmm." "Oh, gosh." "I feel like I know you." "Really?" "Uh-huh." "You see, I used to be in the entertainment business, too." "Laurie Morgan?" "I used to sing in San Francisco." "Oh, oh, how lovely." "Uh-huh." "And of course a showperson always feels close to another showperson." "It's sort of like family." "That's how I always feel, Laurie, yes." "Oh, I can hardly wait to see your show tonight." "Maybe we could convince you to sing with us." "Oh, gosh." "Oh, I'd like that." "And I have got this outfit that I used to wear in San Francisco..." "No, Laurie." "I'm sorry." "I wouldn't think it proper." "I'm glad you could come, Mr. Whitney." "I thought we'd have a brandy together before your performance." "I'd like that very much." "Why don't you get your wrap, my dear." "There's no need to hurry." "This elegance, Mr. Whitney, I suppose it surprises you?" "I wouldn't have expected anything less from a man like you, Mr. Avery." "Although I must admit I was bit confused by the entrance." "Small precaution." "If this town were suddenly to be overrun, who would bother with a deteriorated storefront?" "True." "Very true." "Then there are other precautions." "I'm a cautious man, Mr. Whitney." "To your health, sir." "To yours." "Mr. Whitney, I can't help wondering why our paths never crossed back in Washington." "Traveling in different circles perhaps." "Mm-hmm, perhaps." "But you probably do know why I had to leave Washington." "Hmm, well, yes, I..." "I heard rumors." "Good choice of a word, Mr. Whitney." "Well, I know you're anxious to get back." "You may leave the way you came." "Oh, you will be at the performance?" "Of course." "Don't start until I get there." "Laurie, are you ready?" "And, Mr. Whitney, I'd appreciate it very much if you would escort Miss Morgan to your wagon." "I'll be along shortly." "My pleasure." "That's him, Mr. Avery" "James West." "Out here on orders from Washington." "He needs to be taken care of." "Oh, he will be." "There's no rush." "Where can he go?" "And you did say his orders were to take me back... alive." "Strange man Avery." "Oh." "Yeah, you might sort of say that." "You met him in San Francisco?" "Mm-hmm." "He was very nice." "Elegant gentleman and all that." "And now you're afraid of him." "Look, um..." "I think we better talk about something else, huh?" "You don't trust me, Laurie." "I saw your face in there." "I see the fear on it now." "Look, I just met you." "I don't want any trouble." "I'll scream." "He's got a lot of men around here." "I want to help you, Laurie." "Remember what you said?" "Like family almost." "Well... gee, you look like the right kind of gentleman and all that, but, uh, why would you want to stick out your neck for me?" "Well, it's my neck." "When I leave here," "I may be able to get you out in my wagon." "Oh... sure." "Just like in a storybook." "Why don't you trust me, Laurie?" "You don't know Mr. Avery." "He isn't fooled so easy." "Isn't it worth a try?" "Try what?" "He's got this place locked in like it was a prison." "But I think there's another way out." "A way only Avery knows." "Hasn't he ever mentioned anything like that, Laurie?" "Look, mister, you're going to get us killed." "Now, come on, let's go over to your show before somebody sees us in here like this." "Ooh." "That didn't feel like no family." "Wasn't meant to." "Abracadabra." "And now, for my next act of prestidigitation." "Yay!" "Yoo-hoo!" "And now to prove that the hand is quicker than the eye." "Hand sure is quicker." "Please continue, Mr. Whitney." "There'll be no further vulgar behavior." "Thank you." "And as I said, to prove that the hand is quicker than the eye..." "Oh!" "When you get the opportunity, go out back and invite Mr. Whitney to have supper with us after the performance." "And now my friends, it is an honor to introduce to you the next performer." "Direct from a triumphant tour before the crown heads of Europe, that great dramatic star, Mr. Artemus Gordon." "To be... or not to be, that is the question." "Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them?" "To die to sleep no more, and by that sleep, say we end the heartache and the thousand natural..." "Well, I just had to make sure it had nothing to do with family." "Now, listen, I've got a feeling you're in trouble." "Uh, Mr. Avery wanted me to invite you to supper after the show tonight." "But I don't know." "I think it's something else." "Like what, Laurie?" "Well, there was a man who came to see him earlier." "Now, I didn't hear much, but I'm quite sure it had something to do with you." "The man- who is he?" "A lawman Mr. Avery has on his payroll." "Thanks, Laurie." "Mm." "But that's the last time I'm helping you- no more." "From now on, you are on your own, hmm?" "Oh." "Oh." "You know, gentlemen like you really confuse me." "Thus conscience does make cowards of us all." "And thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought." "Oh, what it feels like to get back on the stage." "Just listen to that." "Congratulations." "Thank you." "Excuse me." "I hate to pull the plug on your success, but Avery knows who we are." "Avery knows?" "Excuse me." "How?" "Good guess would be our friend Marshal Kirby." "It's good thing Avery's the kind of man who enjoys playing games." "Ah, especially when he holds all the cards." "What do we do now?" "Like Avery, we play games." "Mmm." "Yes, Mr. Whitney." "Playing games." "Oh, I find I must disagree with you, sir." "I hardly consider the theatrical profession as playing games." "Come now, Mr. Whitney." "Doesn't the... the true actor cast aside his cloak of reality to, uh... well, lose himself in an assumed role?" "Mm, of course, but not as a game." "Ah." "Then for a purpose, perhaps?" "game and purpose." "But wouldn't that apply to almost any walk of life?" "As Shakespeare said," ""All the world is a stage, and men and women merely players."" ""And one man in his time plays many parts."" "Ah, Mr. Avery, you know Shakespeare." "No." "I know people and life, Mr. Whitney." "Well, right here and now, this room, all of this could be a stage." "And you and I, merely players." "Possibly." "But we couldn't know that till the curtain went up, could we?" "The curtain may already be up, Mr. Whitney." "We could be waiting for it to come down." "¶ I dream of Jeannie with the light brown... ¶" "Hey, you." "What are you doing out here?" "Get over here." "Oh, please..." "Please forgive me, uh, kind, sir, but I am newly come from the heady wine of theatrical triumph." "Yeah." "You been hitting that jug, all right." "Oh, sir, my performance tonight..." "Why surely you recall a magnificent ovation that was given to me?" "No." "I got stuck with this here guard duty." "Now you get on back over to your wagon." "You mean you missed my performance?" "That's appalling." "But never fear, sir, you shall not be deprived of the right to sit at the table of cultural ambrosia." ""Am-" what?" "No, sir." "You shall be granted a personal performance." "Hold on now." "O that this too, too solid flesh would melt, thaw, and resolve itself into a dew." "Cut that out." "But two months dead, nay, not so much, not two so excellent a king, that was, to this" "Hyperion to a satyr, so loving to my mother" "that he might not beteem the winds of heaven visit her face too roughly." "Heaven and earth!" "Must I remember?" "Alas, poor Yorick." "I knew him well." "Excellent dinner, Mr. Avery." "My compliments." "Thank you." "My dear, I know how cigar smoke disturbs you." "Oh, no!" "But it does." "Brandy, Mr. Whitney?" "Please." "Thank you." "Well, one would think we were back in Washington." "A pleasant thought." "Yes." "The two of us back in Washington together." "That would please you, wouldn't it, Mister, uh..." "West... isn't it?" "James West." "You're a clever and brave man, Mr. West, and I appreciate that." "And you're going to find it a shame to have to kill me, correct?" "On the contrary, I expect to find it a pleasure." "Guard!" "Come in here!" "I'm sure, Mr. West, that you will be delighted to learn that you will be buried with full military honors." "A turn of the cards, Mr. Avery." "There's still an entire deck to be played, Mr. West." "He acts like he's holding the winning hand." "Maybe he is." "We still have to get him out of here." "Well, Mr. West, you got in, and you've got me..." "Now, how do you propose to get out?" "Laurie?" "!" "It's all right." "I'm going to ask you to help us, to help yourself." "That other way out... where is it?" "Don't worry, we'll take you with us." "But I can't;" "he'll kill me." "There is no other way out, Mr. West." "If there were, do you think that I would be foolish enough to divulge it to her?" "It's your one chance, Laurie." "It's your one chance to escape." "What do you think he'll do when he tires of you?" "You think he'll let you leave?" "He's right, Laurie." "You know it." "Easy..." "Gadzooks." "Very ingenious, Mr. Avery." "A clever emergency exit." "And since this is an emergency, shall we?" "But first..." "You wouldn't mind putting your hands behind your back, would you?" "It's quite damp down there, Mr. Gordon." "How do you like that?" "He's still playing it like a winning hand." "I better have a look down there, Jim." "Still concerned, Mr. West?" "Still cautious, Mr. Avery." "You better get a wrap, Laurie." "Now, I wouldn't like to be gagged, Mr. West." "Do you think that I would cry out for help?" "All clear down there, Jim." "My hat, Mr. West, if you please." "No, I'd prefer the black one, please." "Magnificent." "I command a loyal group of followers, Mr. West." "Well, then I guess it's just about that time." "I'm sure Grandfather will forgive me." "Shall we continue, Mr. Avery?" "I don't seem to have much choice, do I?" "Lead on, MacDuff." "You better wait here." "Right." "Mr. Avery!" "You all right up there?" "Yes, fine, Chuck." "Good work." "Just be patient." "As I said, Mr. West, I'm a cautious man." "That was a prearranged signal- this black hat." "Leaving the white one behind told my men I was in trouble." "Also, a $20,000 reward for the men who rescue me." "The winning hand." "I'm going to need that rifle." "Let's get rid of the horses!" "There's no more than eight of them out there." "Perhaps I should say seven." "Looks like your boys don't want to spread the reward too thin." "There are more of them on the way." "And you had to blow up this tunnel." "You've locked yourself in, West." "There's no way out." "Perhaps you'd like to discuss some sort of deal?" "Perhaps you'd like to discuss some sort of deal?" "I can just see a cold-blooded butcher like you letting us go." "Artemus, do that again." "What?" "Avery's voice." "What?" "Oh, you mean..." "Perhaps you'd like to discuss some sort of deal?" "You'll have to pardon my rudeness." "Laurie... watch him." "Artemus, you're about to give the greatest performance of your career." "Curtain's up, Artemus." "Chuck, this is Avery." "Hold your fire." "Can you hear me?" "Yes, I hear you, Mr. Avery." "West is giving up." "It's all over, men." "It worked." "Let's get the others." "Where are the other fireworks?" "Oh." "Take Laurie and put her in the last car." "Right." "Well, Mr. Avery, shall we?" "Hey, wasn't that Mr. Avery they just dumped in the car?" "It sure was." "Everybody all right?" "A final turn of the cards, Mr. Avery." "The engineer tells me that steam is up, sir, and we are ready to press on." "It's a long trip to Chicago, Mr. Avery." "You can ride with me, or we do have a rolling cell up forward." "I'd like your promise, though, that you don't try and escape." "However, the choice is yours." "Don't be ridiculous, West." "The rolling cell, of course." "Well, at least you'll have company in the form of U.S. Marshal Kirby." "I'll show you to your quarters, sir." "And, Laurie, I'm sure I have your promise that you won't try to escape on the long trip to Chicago." "Oh, gosh, all this elegance, Mr. West." "Why, it ought to be real fun traveling clear to Chicago in such fancy style." "Not to mention the fun of a fascinating traveling companion." "Oh, but Chicago, Mr. West." "I don't know a soul in Chicago." "What would I do there all by myself?" "My dear, the name Artemus Gordon is sheer magic in Chicago theatrical circles." "It can open doors." "Really, Mr. Gordon?" "Oh, I would deem it a pleasure, Laurie." "Now with all that settled, on our way to Chicago, right?" "Wrong." "I'm heading the other way." "You see, gentleman like you still confuse me." "Oh." "I guess simple girls like me should just never leave home." "Bye." "Artemus, it's going to be a long trip to Chicago." "James, my boy, you just can't win them all."