"Subs by Mothman" "They're gonna keep pouring in from outside if we don't shut the gate." "As long as we're still breathing, we're smarter than them, and that's why we're gonna beat 'em." "That's her!" "She's alive!" "Good girl." "Good girl." "We've caned these." "Don't give me no more." "No problem." "Why do they keep coming towards the house like that?" "I'm glad they do." "Easier to pick off." "Yeah, but why?" "Some kind of primitive intuition, maybe." "They feel the need to be near us." "Don't forget, this place used to be like a church to them." "Maybe they can just smell bullshit." "Get him." "Right, that's the last of 'em." "Clear for now." "Just the ones we can't see and those at the gates." "Fuck this." "Fuck this." "Yes." "Right." "Right." "Right, right." "That's a light machine." "It's not a machine, it's a lamp." "Well, it lights up the room." "Well, it's dead now." "It's bad for the environment, wasting light." "I'm not wasting it." "I'm turning it into something else." "What, like recycling?" "If you like." "Then that's OK." "It's only 36 miles." "That's a long way on foot with those things around." "I'm not just going to sit here, am I?" " You won't make it." " I can't not try." "I mean, I can see her, do you know what I mean?" "Look, I can't just stay here and play farmhouse kitchen with you." "Look, we've got to think long-term." "No." "We're away from the cities." "There's a wall around these grounds." "We can eat veg from the garden and catch fish in the river." "What river?" "Stand up." "Fucking stand up." "Stand up!" "Go over to the door." "Move!" "Listen to me." "Stand there." "Put your hand on the door, on the fucking handle." " I don't like it." " Shut up and listen." "You're gonna open that door and you are gonna slam it, fucking slam it on her when she's halfway in." "Do you understand what "halfway" is?" "Do you understand?" " Say, "Yes, I understand."" " Yes." "Then are you ready?" "I don't like it." "It is this, or we take it in turns shitting in the bin until we starve to death." "Does that appeal?" "No?" "Then are you ready?" "Do not fuck this up." "All right?" "Get ready." "Now!" "Oh, my God." "You killed her." "You've killed her." "You've killed Davina." "I hired her." "I can do what I like." "Oh, my God." "Result!" "Why didn't you tell me this ran into the grounds?" "You're the genius with the map." "This is the Blackwater." "Runs around the back of the studios." " Yeah, so?" " That's fate, that is." "We're safe here!" "And I have got to go." "Well!" "You can't just stay here on your own." "Alex!" "I packed your bag." "Thank you." "What's with the axe?" "Where's the gun?" "No ammo." "There is." "You said there's one bullet left." "I only said that to make you feel better." "What would you have done if one of those things was in there?" "Outrun you." "Right." "Heat." "Pressure." "Nuts." "Zoo." "Nuts and Zoo man?" "Now that is the axis of wanking." " Oh, Nando's." " McD's." " Classy." " Let me tell you something, yeah?" "When you wake up and you've got a massive hangover, there is nothing better than a good Egg McMuffin." "Yeah, I'll give you that." "Kill or cure, innit?" "Come on, we're off track here." " EastEnders." " Lost." "Doctor Who." "It's a kids' show." " It's not a kids' show." " It is." " The Sopranos." " No, already finished." "We're talking about things that have ended prematurely because of this mess." "Come on, Jops." "If you want to play, get it right." "YouTube." "Facebook." "Oh, shit." "MySpace!" "Amazon." "Now you're on it!" " Is this where you make Big Brother?" " Yes." "Oh, my God." " Oh, my God!" " Shut up." "She's a new one." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello." "Is this even working?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" " It's a voice." " Oh, my God." "Oh, my God, we're being rescued!" "Hello?" "Ssh, ssh, ssh." "Stop." " Listen!" " Is that one of the Big Brother voices?" "Patrick, is that you?" "Yeah, yeah, it's me, um..." " Kelly!" " Kelly." "That's it." "Listen." "We are trapped in the gallery." "We?" "Who are you with?" "Are you OK?" " Hello, Space!" " Pippa?" "No way!" "I was stuck in the room, and he done a poo and it stank!" "What the fuck... is wrong with you?" "Listen, fuck the reunion." "You've gotta get us out of here." "Can you make your way across the car park?" " Is it safe?" " Ish." " Ish?" " We've closed the main gates, and cleared most of those in the compound." " What do you mean, "cleared"?" " That'll be me." " Where the fuck did that come from?" " It's a long story." "Fine." "Just come and get us out, then." "We can't." "We are trapped in here!" "How many of those things are up there?" "It's one thing shooting from here, another heading out there." "Says the man with the gun to me with the pointy stick!" "I'm sorry, mate, it's not worth the risk!" "Fuck you." " What's he doing?" " What are you doing?" " What are you playing at?" " Put the shutters up!" " Is this guy for real?" " Patrick." "Right." "No dialogue, just instant abuse of human rights." "Oh, fuck off, Shami Chakrabati." "Try this." "Oh, my God!" "Patrick!" " What are you doing?" " Shut up." "Stop it!" "Whose house do you think you're standing in, you stupid speck of shit?" "Patrick!" "We're coming to get you." "Thank you." "Bollocks!" " But Pippa's there as well." " You can't go up there, man." "We've got guns." "They haven't." "Stay here, then." "Space?" "I've got you covered!" "Don't worry about it." "It's just Brian." "Fuck, it is Brian." "Come on." "Come on." "You took your time." "We should pass by an old abbey." "And then some woods half a mile later." "The studio's behind there." "All right." "So what's the best way back down?" "What am I, fucking invisible?" "I'm talking to you." "Fucking hell." "Yeah, what are you looking for?" "Crown Court?" "Come on." "It's worth a try." " I heard something on the radio." " What?" " Some foreign stuff." " Saying what?" "I don't know!" "I don't speak foreigner." "You know, a foreign voice is good enough for me." "We're gonna find the nearest port, and get out of Britain." " Come on." " We can't." "Why not?" "!" "You'll see." " Oh, fuck." " Oh, my God." "I don't like it." "They just keep coming." "Look, it's still not safe here." "We should get back into the house." "Oh, fuck." "It's the best place to be right now." "Shit, that's one of them, er..."water door" things, innit?" "A lock, yeah." "Hurry." " Everyone, this is Patrick." " Hi, Patrick." "Oh, fuck it." " Fucking starving." " So are we." "Patrick, it's gotta last." "You've got a Biodome." "Grow some fucking courgettes or something." "Here." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Not in here." "I'm trying to give up." "They won't listen." "Take it outside, you dirty bastard." "What?" "Pass me that peanut butter." "What's the magic word?" "Fuck off." " What the...?" " Fucking hell." "Fuck!" "You all right?" "Do it." "I liked our farmhouse." "I'm so sorry." "I know." "Fuck!" "Look who's off the fag wagon." "Guy's a dickhead." "You don't wanna work under that." "Yeah, just let him walk it out." "Poor bastard's got a lot to come to terms with." "And who ain't?" "The whole world's gone fucking tits up, and we don't even know why." "It's a terrorist attack." "No, it's bigger than that." ""And the sea gave up the dead which were in it." "And death and hell delivered up the dead which were in them." "And they were judged, every man, according to their works."" "Judgement Day." "It's in the Bible." "You can't wheel out the Bible." " I thought you was an atheist." " Yes." "You trying to say that God's punishing us for something?" " No, I'm not saying God..." "If it's Iraq, I never agreed to that in the first place." "That wouldn't be fair." "Or the other place." "Palestinia." "I'm not even saying there is a god." "But if there is, maybe all this is happening because he or she or it is judging our culture and smiting us accordingly." "Yeah, but why be such a cunt about it?" "Whoa!" "Fuck!" "Oh, fuck!" "It's like a losers' convention in here." "Proud of yourselves?" "Want another fag, Patrick?" "Oddly enough, I don't, Kathy." " Kelly." " Yeah, whatever." " We need an escape plan." " Like we haven't thought of that." "Think of it as a task, if that helps." "Come on, we should hit the road!" "We can't get to the road no more." "You haven't fucking tried!" "Patrick, I agree with you." "Patrick." "I agree with you." "I do." "But there's no way through those gates." "You've seen them." "We've got the keys to a van." "So we'll just drive." " We'll drive away!" " We can't just drive past." "All right?" "They won't step aside like some fucking chambermaids." "We'll just, we'll..." "We'll distract them!" "We'll distract them." "We'll bait them away, OK?" "We'll bait them away from the gates long enough and then we'll drive straight through." "With what?" "A ball of string?" "Look, they eat flesh, don't they?" "Right?" "That's what they eat." "We'll give them some." "There's a man-sized portion of Pedigree Chum laying right there." " Fuck off!" " We'll chop 'em up." "We'll chop 'em up!" "We'll toss the best bits to the fucking ghoulies." "They'll run after that." "Munch, munch, thanks very much." "We'll drive straight through." "You're not doing that." "I didn't say it was gonna be a genteel parlour game, you titted fucking idiot." "But it is worth a pissing shot!" "No." "No, no, no, it's not." "Actually, I think we should at least consider it." "What?" "Fucking hell." "You should come and help me with this!" "It's not as bad as it looks!" "Bunch of cowards." "I'll do it." "I'll fucking do it." "Have that." "Lovely." "Look at that." "What's the fucking matter with you?" "Bloody backwards fucking livestock." "Hey?" "Think you've still got a fucking audience?" "Do you?" "What are you gonna do?" "Fucking sit here?" "Breathing in each other's fucking bum clouds until the sky falls in?" "Pardon me, but I am a fucking... bit more fucking ambitious than that." "A bit more fucking ambitious, thank you very much." "Come here, you." "If you had to fucking work for a living, instead of trying to do a fucking quick fix." "Hey?" ""Look at me!" "Look how famous I am!" "I've been a twat on telly for two months."" "Maybe you'd know what that means?" "But, no." "Want it now, want it fucking now." "Well, come and get it." "Get this fucking bit out here." "Look at that!" "Precision!" "Bit of precision and pride in your job." "It's not a lot to ask, is it?" "Don't even know what that is." "Look at this!" "What is that?" "Stop fucking crying." "This is an escape plan." "Kel!" "Are you gonna let this fruitcake get away with this bullshit?" "He's right." "Look, I'm sorry, but he is." "It's worth trying." "Space!" "Space!" "Oh, got a live one." "Oi!" "I'm..." "I'm a normal person!" "Coulda sworn this one said summat." "I'm normal!" "Heh!" "Says he's normal!" " Don't fucking shoot, then!" " Do ya mean?" "I'm a normal person!" "Riq." "Riq!" " Riq!" " Kelly?" "Riq!" "Who the fuck's Riq?" "Oh!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Riq!" "Yes!" " You stink!" " Come here." "Ooh!" "What do you reckon?" "Gonna need more than this?" "Oh!" " It's so good to see you." " Stink, do I?" "Do I stink?" "Let's get you washed up and start thinking about where we can go." "What?" "Well, you came from somewhere." "There's places that it's safe, right?" "It's fucked out there." " Yeah, but..." " It's completely fucked up." "Well, I mean, how far did you go?" "There's..." "No, listen, this thing's global." "All right?" "It's not gonna be over in six days or six months." "All that old stuff is gone." "I mean, you came to take me away." "Baby, I..." "I don't mean to interrupt anything yeah but... ..an intro would be nice." " This is Riq." " You all right, man?" "Riq?" "My friends call me Space." "Space?" "Yeah." "I've seen you on the telly." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "No, he's lying." "He doesn't watch it." "Well, I've been catching up recently." "Believe." "Well, come on, then!" "A right touching romance we've got here." " Who's he?" " Everyone, this is Riq." "Fuck who he is." "How did he get here?" "Sorry?" "How did you get here?" "Helicopter?" "Magic Mole Machine?" "What?" "Nah, jumped over the fence round the back." "The fence?" "So, that's..." "that's like a safe route, is it?" "Like fuck is it." "It's crawling with those things." "Riq's been outside so we should listen to what he says." " What is he?" "A tour guide?" " No, actually, he's my boyfriend." "Oh, right!" "Sorry." "So you've come here to save her." "How sweet." " Aw, I like it." " What's happening there?" "Basically it's a wasteland." "Right, so, how did you get here through this wasteland?" "Down the river." "The river?" "In a boat?" "Yeah." "Sorry." "Who are you?" "Tony Curtis." "Where is that boat now?" "It's downstream." " Downstream?" " Yeah, it floated off." "Right." "Fucking right." "So you didn't want to moor it up?" "Are you on some personal quest to redefine ineptitude?" "I was being fucking chased." "Oh." "Ho-ho." "Fucking boo-hoo." "Right, thanks to Popeye the Sailor Man here, the van is still our best bet, right?" "I have prepped the bait." "So, fucking vamoose, chop chop, let's go." "You're not in charge!" "Yeah, um, we're not going anywhere." "Look, if that Mary's made it, there's gonna be other survivors, OK?" "No!" "You'll spend all your time looking for somewhere half as secure as this." "You're not gonna find it, mate." "Yeah." "There's food here, solar panels, fortified fences." " It just makes more sense." " Don't confuse them with facts!" " It's..." " There's nothing out there, mate." "Nothing." "For all we know, we're all there is." "Brilliant." "Thank you very much for the pep talk." "Very nice to meet you, Janice." "Right, we're going." "Come on." "Let's go." "We never decided." "Don't tell me you believe that tit-a-ma-boob." "He can't even tie up a boat for Christ's sake." "I was fucking chased!" "Yeah, yeah, you and your reasons!" " I'm not going." " Fine!" "Die here in cuckoo land." "How about you?" " Stay." " She's right." " He can speak for himself." " I'm staying." "Oh, grow some nuts." "Well, it's my decision, all right?" "All for one and that." "Who do you think you are?" "Love's young dream here in fucking cutie cottage?" "We're sticking together." " She's stolen your heart, has she?" " Yeah, something like that." "Oh, fucking wake up, Mutley." "She only wiped her slit up your thigh for the highlights reel, you chimpanzee." "No, I never, you fuckwit!" "You would fuck a fisherman's dog if there was a Heat cover in it." " Who asked you?" " You would if it got you somewhere." "Fucking stop!" "This is crazy!" "Look, Patrick, you're outvoted." " We haven't all spoken." " No, I'm staying." "You know this lot hate you." " You know it's true." " Look, who cares who said what?" "I mean, Patrick, none of that matters anymore." " No-one's going anywhere." " I bloody am." "You don't get it, do you?" "You just don't get it." "Get what?" "To leave you need to go through them gates." "You open the gates, they're gonna keep flooding in." " And then we're all fucked." " So?" " So you have to stay!" " No, I don't." "We have to!" "We have to." "Look, this is the only way it's gonna work." "Look, we need to be realistic, Patrick." " "Na-na-na-na, na-na-nah." Fuck off." " What the...?" "See ya, losers!" " Get out my way." "Get away." " Stop." " Patrick." " Get away." "Get away." " Get away." " Don't make me do this, Patrick." "Patrick, please don't force me to do this." "You're gonna have to shoot me in the back, darling." "Don't fucking test me." " Got him." " Hold him, hold him!" "Get off me, fucker." "What a knob." " Is he always like this?" " Yeah." "The keys." "Chuck him in there." "Tie him up good and tight." "And Space?" "Fucking gag him an' all." "Oh." "I'd have had him then if he'd not kicked me in the nuts." "I don't like him being in there." "I really need a wee." "It won't be for much longer." "We just need to talk some sense into him." "Good luck with that!" "I've worked for him, OK?" "He just gets a bit doodah when he's stressed." " You call that "a bit doodah"?" " The man's a walking hazard." "Once he's off the boil, he's almost human." "He's just at his worst..." "He'll level out." "Babes, babes...you can't talk someone down off the moon, all right?" "And he is well on the moon." "They're right." " What was that?" " I'm not going." "I went last time." "I'll go." "Well, he can't have wiggled out." "I tied him up like a piglet." "Good, the fat fucking porker." "Sorry, I'm going to have to..." "Patrick!" "Jesus!" "I can't go if you're making that noise, can I?" "Thank you." "Can you breathe OK?" "If you start shouting, the gag goes straight back on again, OK?" " OK?" " OK." "Don't let them do this to me, please?" "You shouldn't have fought." "They're going to kill me." " No-one is going to kill you." " They will be working it out now." "He's tied up for now, so why don't we just..." "What happens when he ain't?" "Soon as we turn our backs, he'll try to get out them gates and fuck us all over." " So we keep him tied up." " For how long?" "Riq says it's bad outside, yeah?" "We might be in here for keeps, yeah?" "Well, Looney Tunes ain't gonna stay tied up for keeps, is he?" "He'll get out somehow." "He won't give up till he's got them gates opened and then it is game over for all of us." " That's true." " What are you trying to suggest?" "Why don't you just fucking come out and say it?" "All right." "All right." "There ain't much room for debate, Kelly." "It's extreme circumstances, innit?" "OK." "I've seen this, Joplin." "I've seen this hundreds of times." "Look, if you break from the group, the group breaks you." " OK, the gag's going on." " Just ask..." "Ask yourself this." "When I've gone - when I'm out of the way - who's going to be the bottom of the pile?" "You will." "You're next." "They hate you." "They have told me time and time again in that Diary Room." "And what did they say?" "You're old, you're a pervert, you're pretentious, you stink the bog out, your clothes make you look like a cunt." "They have poured insults over you like buckets of cum." "Do you know what they call you when you're out the room?" "Hey?" "Gollum." "Gollum." "Yeah." "Yeah." "The crowds turn up holding signs that say "Gollum Out"." "They'd love it." "You're a joke to them." "You're a liar." "Am I?" "You're talking fucking murder." "Come on!" "It's self-defence." "It's like when Angel got bit, yeah?" "We've got to act practically." " We can't trust him." " It's him or us, yeah?" "You can't get much more practical than that." "Just one shot to the back of the head." "No, no." "We'll use the axe." "I'm not wasting ammo." "All right." "Hey, Gollum's taking his time." "What's he doing - having a wank?" ""My precious."" "Oh, don't do that." "Gollum wanking!" "Let's take a vote, yeah?" "Like nominations." "It's all it is." "It's only a game show." "There's been enough killing." "Well, what do you propose we do?" "Cripple him." "Cripple him?" "Yeah, break his ankles - take a hammer to his feet." "It'll have to be pretty bad to stop him moving." "We'll do it bad enough that he won't be going anywhere." "I don't like it." " Well, it's better than killing him." " She's right." "What do you think, babe?" "Pretty hard to break an ankle so it don't set back right, innit?" "You've got to crack it sideways, inwards." "Fine." "We could chop the Achilles tendon, back of the heel." "Turns the feet into dead plates." "He won't be able to operate the pedals in the van." "Where'd you learn that from, man?" "Saw Jack Bauer do it on the telly." "No." "That's not real life, is it?" "No." "If we do it, we're smashing his ankles, like in that film, Mystery." "Look, have we agreed no killing, just the ankles...?" "You're going to need a recount." "Get away from that now." " Patrick!" " Joplin, get her peashooter." " You wanker!" " We should've fucking killed him." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "You didn't, though, did you?" " Give me the gun." "Give me the gun." " Joplin, what you doing?" "Give me the gun." "You take that one." "Joplin, you fucker..." "You don't fucking need her." "Just go!" "What you fucking doing?" "You don't need her." " Fucking step back." " What the fuck are you playing at?" " Fuck off!" "Stay there." " You don't need her." "Joplin, get the bait bowl and the keys." " What do you need her for, huh?" " Please!" " Joplin, what you playing at, man?" " I-I'm sorry." "No, you're not." "Just open the door." " Fucking step back." " Oh, my God!" "Stay back." "Deep breath." "Everyone say bye-bye!" "Bye-bye." "Get out, Joplin." "Bye-bye!" "Riq!" "Kel." "Kel!" "Kelly, look at me." "Kelly, look at me." "Where the fuck are you going?" "I don't give a fuck." "Fuck off." " Help me, please." " Just put the fucking gun down." " Fuck off." " Joplin, you fucking Judas!" "Look, I'm really sorry, OK?" "All right, Desmond Tutu." "It's not the Guardian." " Get in the fucking van." " No, please!" " Mate, have a look!" " I'm not a fucking plumber." " Back off." " Just don't hurt her, then." ""Don't hurt her"?" "You fucking clumsy idiot, don't fucking..." "Riq!" "Riq!" "You fucking shot him." "You're crazy." "Joplin!" "Baby, baby!" "Fucking do something!" "Stay with me." "Joplin, you fucking prick!" "Baby, baby." "Stay with me, baby!" "Fuck!" "Baby." "Baby." "He's fucking dead!" "He's fucking dead!" "Riq!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuck you!" " Pippa!" " Fuck you!" "Pippa!" "Fuck you!" "What you doing?" "Fucking hell!" "Fuck you!" "Joplin, you spastic!" "Don't open the..." "Ahh!" "Jesus!" "Fuck!" " They're coming in!" " Fucking run." "No!" "Come on, come on!" "Oh, shit!" "Shit!" "Fuck off!" "Close it." "Close the door." "Go on, fucking eat me, you fucking ugly git!" "Go on, you useless pieces of fucking...cattle." "Pippa!" "Pippa!" "Pippa..." "Pippa!" "It's Space." "I'm in the gallery." "Where's Pips?" "Space!" " Close the shutters!" " What?" " The shutters!" "Look for the button." " Shutters, shutters." "Close it!" "Eat it." "Go on!" "Eat it all!" "I've got fucking bowels full of shit." "Eat it!" "They're coming through the runs." "They're in the runs!" "They're in the runs!" "We need weapons." "We need weapons!" "They're going to come through." "They're everywhere." "They're fucking everywhere." "Is this it?" "Is it over?" " Space!" " Yeah." "Can you open the Diary Room door?" "Can you?" "What?" "Diary Room." "Ahh!" " It's going to crack!" " It's going to fucking crack!" "Space, it says 'D-Room'!" "The button!" "Uh!" "Door's open, Kel!" "The door's open." "Fuck off!" "Fuck off!" "Space, are you still there?" "I'm still here." "Pippa?" "P-Pippa!" "How you doing?" "Not bad." "Pretty much surrounded here." "What about Veronica and Marky?" "No." "This makes you the winner... ..of this year's Big Brother." "Space, I need you to open the door." "No way." "It's a full house out there." "I know, but I'm going to fight my way through..." " There's hundreds of them!" " I'm going to get..." "You're not listening!" "There's hundreds of them!" "Space, what did you say to me back at the gate?" "Seize the day and shit." "Come on." "I can do this." "All right." "All right." "Just say "when", yeah?" " Wish me luck." " I am." "OK." "Let me out of here."