"# Hey Mr Dream Seller Where have you been" "# Tell me have you dreams I can see?" "# I came along" "# Just to bring you this song" "# Can you spare one dream for me?" "#" "That Princess Michael's never out of a turban." "Mind you, she can get away with it." "If I was to wear one of them down the Metro Centre, everybody would just think I'd had a bash on the head!" " Mmm." " SHE LAUGHS" "TEXT ALERT" "Aw, there's Kate and Wills." "Mind, she's a beautiful-looking girl, isn't she?" "Though what she's wearing looks like they've given her all the" "Queen Mother's old clobber and told her to get on with it!" " Mmmm." " TEXT ALERT" "And there's Camilla in her wellies again!" "She might not be a glamour puss, but at least her feet'll be dry." "TEXT ALERT" "Tony, will you turn that down?" "Sorry, but I can't concentrate properly with you TALKING and his phone BEEPING!" "Sorry." "You're never off that thing." "What you doing?" " Bit of the old "fittie finder"." " You what?" "It's one of them game things, man." "Anji's nephew's got one, he's addicted to "Angry Beavers"." "It's not a game, actually." "It's an app." "For dating." "Shows you all the fitties in your local area who're looking for luuurve." "Ahh!" "Anyway, I've decided I'm taking matters into my own hands, because when you think about it, there's no reason why I should still be single, is there?" "Well, apart from the fact that you're still living at home and you're still on the dole." "Well, yeah - but so's Leo, and he's found someone." "He's got you there." "PHONE RINGS" "Judy?" "Who's Ju... (Judy!" ")" " Shall I get it?" " No!" " Should" " I - get it?" " BOTH:" "No!" "Just leave it." "You're right." " Hello?" " (Yesss!" ")" "I had a dream about you last night." "We were on a beach, just the two of us, nobody else." "And you said to me..." "I'll just stop you there if I may, Judy." "It's Pam." " Pam?" " Pam, Leo's mam." "Oh, Pam!" "Oh, um, hi." "I'm sorry, I didn't realise." "How are you?" "MUFFLED:" "I'm good, thank you, Judy." "How are you?" " Fine, thanks." " Good!" " Yeah, I just answered Leo's phone because he's still in his pit." " Argh!" " JUDY:" " Uh-huh." "MUFFLED:" "Oh, right." "Anyway, the million dollar question, Judy - what's wrong with you?" "HE MAKES EXPLODING SOUND" " W-what do you mean?" " Well, I've been dying to meet you." "Leo keeps putting it off and Tony wants to know why." "Do I?" "Well, er..." "LAUGHING:" "I'm only winding you up, Judy!" "So you and Leo are meeting up later today?" "Yeah, I..." "I think we might be going for lunch." "Oh, lovely." "Anywhere nice?" "Either The Running Fox or The Nelson." "Oh, The Nelson does a lovely battered haddock." "Sounds nice." "Tony loves it." "Mind you, he has to have it with a Gaviscon chaser, else he belches like Chewbacca all the way home." " Oh, yeah." " He does!" " Get off!" " Give it!" "Get off!" "I'm in the middle of a conversation!" "Hello!" "Yeah, I'm good, I'm good." "Me?" "What?" "No, I wasn't still in bed, no." "How rude." " Hey." " Hi, lovely." "Hi." " How are you?" " I'm good, good." " I enjoyed my little chat with your mum." " Ah, yes." "CHUCKLING:" "I particularly enjoyed it when she said to me," ""So, Judy, what's wrong with you?"" "What?" "She said, "What's wrong with you?" "I've been dying to meet you and Leo keeps putting it off"." "What?" "That's not true." "Wait, you don't think I don't want her to meet you because..." "Well, because of the whole transgender thing, is that it?" " I don't know, IS that it?" " God, no!" "No!" "I just think it would be way better if she got to know you first," " as a person." " Uh-huh." "Because obviously she'll completely fall in love with you." "That way, it'll be less of a big deal." "Because it's not a big deal, ha-ha!" "Not for me, and it won't be for her, she's pretty cool about..." "She used to cut a girl's hair who was a lesbian and said she'd happily have kept doing it if not for the fact she'd" " already taken it right into the wood and there was nothing left to cut." " Drink?" " Please." "Mouth quite dry." "Yes, how can I help you?" " Two pints of lager, please." " Sure." "Excuse me." "Sorry, I'm not being funny." "I'm sure I know you from somewhere." "Do you?" "Oh, wait, I do know you." "Do I?" "Oh, maybe not." "Erm, I must be mistaken." "No, I know what it is!" "You remind me of someone, yeah." "Oh..." "God, who is it?" "Um..." "No." "No, you DO remind me of someone." "But this is weird." "You remind me of a guy I used to go to college with." "Really?" " Yo, bro!" "How do you go?" " Jimmy!" "What the fu..." "Oh." "Can you believe this?" "What's the odds?" "I'd say the odds were perhaps very good." "Oh, you don't mind us being here, do you?" " Is there any point in us saying no?" " I did try, Son." "Phil!" "Phil Arkley." "You're not his sister, are you?" "No, Geoff." "I'm not his sister." "Well, where is she?" " Who?" " Who?" "Judy!" "Oh, she's, um..." "She's right here." " Hello." " Mam, this is Judy." "Judy, pleased to meet you." "Pamela, Leo's mother." "Hi, Pamela, nice to meet you." "I know, I don't look old enough." " What can I say, child bride!" " PAM LAUGHS" "And this is me dad." " Hi, Judy." " How are you?" "All right." "What about the pot holes in the car park?" " COUGHING:" " Boring!" "And this is my brother, James." " Hell..." " Hey, Jude." " PAM LAUGHS" "I'd just like to say, I think you're very brave." "He's a troubled young man, you must have a big heart." " We were just about to shoot off, actually." " Oh, were you bollocks." "Oh, sorry." "This is Geoff, an old friend of mine from college." "This is Leo." " You all right?" " Hi." "And Leo's family." " Nice to meet you, Geoff." " Hi." " Hi." "Hello." " Yeah, er, I should make a move." " We should make a move too, maybe?" "So you two know each other from college?" "Yeah." "Yeah, we do, yeah." " We haven't seen each other for years." "Hardly recognised me, did you?" " No." "Changed that much, has she, Geoff?" "You could say that, yeah." "I'm just looking at the menu and, no, there's not much I fancy on it, actually." "There's pulled pork." "You love pulled pork." " Have they got the battered haddock?" " Not for you, they haven't!" "Look, you don't have to go somewhere else, we'll go and SIT somewhere else and leave yous to it!" " ROBOTIC VOICE:" " Not gonna happen, not gonna happen, not gonna happen." " Ow." " (Judy?" ")" "Aw, look at him, Geoff!" "He's all embarrassed cos his mam's here!" "I'm not bothered." "We could all just sit here, I suppose." " Together?" " Yeah, together, why not." " No, let's..." " Just shove these two tables together and, er..." "Hey, hey!" "Let Jimmy do it, you don't want to be dragging chairs and tables around at your age." "There we go, come on then." "That's it, that's it." "Have we got plenty of chairs?" "Make sure there's one for Geoff." "Oh, no, no." "I'm fine." "Sit!" " I should get going." " Oh, no, stay." " No, no, honestly, I've, erm..." " I said stay." " Maybe just a quick one, eh?" " Aye." "Right, well, I'll..." "I insist." "What would you all like?" "Half a Guinness for me dad, cider for me and a tonic water for me mum." "(Cos she's got half a bottle of vodka in her bag that she'll put in under the table!" ")" "I'll, er..." "I'll give you a hand." "Oh, Mum, we're going to be here for ages." "Oh, ye of little faith." "We'll say a prayer to Saint Anthony." "That always works." " When I can't find my car keys, who do I ask?" " Saint Anthony." "And when I can't find a parking space, who do I ask?" "BOTH:" "Saint Anthony!" "And when I can't find anything to watch on the TV, even though there's thousands of channels, who do I ask?" " Saint..." " No!" "I ask Alan from next door." "He's got hundreds of DVDs." "Dear Saint Anthony, we need your help." "My Jackie has lost her birth certificate..." "No, Mum, I've lost me passport!" "Don't tell me!" "Tell Saint Anthony." "Go on!" "Dear Saint Anthony." "I need to find my birth certificate so I can get a new passport, so I can go to Hungary, so I can have a gastric balloon fitted and lose 3st and then I can meet someone, and THEN..." "All right, Jackie!" "He's a saint, not a miracle worker." "God." "If someone had said to me, "Guess who's now a woman?"" "I would've never've said you, not in a million years." "Who would you've said, then?" "Well, off the top of my head, Graham Atkinson." "Just had a hunch about him." "Yeah, well, your hunch was right." "Graham is now Grace." " She works on the till at Lidl." " You're shitting me?" "I am, yes." "Listen, erm, we haven't said anything to Leo's family yet, so..." " Oh, God, no!" "No, no." "I wouldn't dream of it." " Thanks." "What do you think of HER?" "Jimmy, in case you hadn't noticed, I'm on a date." "In case ANY of you didn't notice, I'm on a date." "Oh, Leo, relax, man." "It's a natural progression for your partner to meet your parents." " Remember when I met your mam and dad, Tony?" " I do indeed." "It was shortly afterwards that Grandad took that stroke." "It suits you by the way." "The woman thing." " It looks good." " Thanks." "Do you know, when my dad died, my mum told me he used to wear ladies' underwear." "Interesting." "But that's like transvestite, though, isn't it?" "No, it's just a little bit kinky." " But you've had like, operations and all that?" " Yeah." "Good for you." "And what about you?" "Well, I've had my tonsils out, but that's as far as I've gone." "I mean, what's going on with you?" "Married, wife, kids?" " I'm married, yeah." " Lovely." "Yeah." "Can't recommend it enough." "The first 48 hours are bliss." "What's the verdict?" "What do you think of Judy?" "Well, she seems very...mature." "By which you mean?" "Very...grown up." " You mean she's too old for us." " No, I didn't say that." " You more or less did." " You kind of did, Mam." " Tony?" "Tony, tell them." " She didn't say that." " Thank you." "OK, ooh, I can feel his mighty hand working." "It's in that box." "Go on, open it!" "An old Magimix?" "Brilliant, I've been looking for that for ages." "Thank you, Saint Anthony." "Do you mind me asking..." "Do you know when we were at college, does that mean you were like, gay?" "Hm..." "Kind of." "Kind of?" "Well, I knew I was a woman inside, so I didn't feel gay, even though" "I was physically a man who liked men." "So...physically you were a man..." "Look, think of it like this." "Imagine that you were you and everything was exactly the same except every time you took your clothes off, it was a woman's body you saw in the mirror." "Let me think about that a little bit longer." " Ah!" " Sorry..." " Thank you, Judy." " OK." "There you are." "That's the Magners." " Thank you." "Well, cheers." " Cheers." " Cheers." " Good health." " Cheers." "Geoff, cheers." "Good to see you again." "PHONE RINGS" "Oh, it's my mum." "What age must her mam be?" "Hi, Mum." "How nuts would it be if Judy's mam came, too?" "You're WHERE?" "(That's Mum.)" "Oh, what a nice surprise, you must be Peggy." "Hello, everyone!" "I'm Pamela, Leo's mother." "Hiya, Pam." "Oh, would you look at that!" " You must be Leo." " Hello." "Look at him, all in black." "Like the Milk Tray man." " The..." "The what?" " Do you not remember the advert?" "Oh, he's too young for that, Peggy." "The Milk Tray man was the perfect man." "Strong, mysterious, swam through shark-infested waters to get to the woman he loved." "I used to dream about him." "He'd shimmy up my drainpipe and knock on my window and I'd be waiting with my eyes closed, my mouth open..." "Right, Mum, that'll do us, thanks." "What?" "I'd be waiting with my mouth open and he'd give me a strawberry cream." "LAUGHTER" "Mmm, delicious." "For goodness' sake, what did you think I was going to say?" "Never mind!" "Oh, you thought I was going to say something rude!" "Mind you, after I'd had my lovely chocolate, he'd rip off my good nightie, throw me up against the trouser press and..." "Mum!" "Mum, this is Geoff, do you remember Geoff?" "Geoff?" "Ooh, let me think..." "We were at college together." "Did you have a sister?" "No." "Did you ride a motorbike?" " No." " Oh." "Did you used to have a dog with three legs and a bright blue muzzle?" " No." " Yeah, you did." "I remember." "Nice to see you again, Geoff." "What can I get you, Peggy?" "Oh, a dry white wine would be lovely." "And now, as the innocent wildebeest arrives at the watering hole, the savage crocodile contemplates the right time to launch its ferocious attack." "Don't worry about her." "My mum has a great ability to defend herself." " He keeps looking at you." " Who does?" "What's-his-face" " Geoff." "Does he?" "And again." "Just saw him." "Do I detect a touch of jealousy?" "Me?" "You've got to be kidding." "Nah." "I'm not like that." "Not me." "Noooo!" "No way, Jose." "That's the ninth time he's looked at you in under a minute." "Then there was Judy's father, he was very fond of all types of crisps." "Was he." "James!" "No phones at the table." "It's important." " Put it away." " I'm just checkin' something." " What you checkin'?" " It's my fittie finder, Peggy." "It's one of these new apps for his phone, Peggy." "Oh, I know it." "My other daughter, Jackie, she uses it sometimes if she's got the horn midweek." "It's the greatest invention since the wheel." "Your phone tracks down fitties in your area." "Apparently, he says that one of his friends that used it ended up" " meeting a woman who used to be a man." " Mm." "Oh, well..." "There you go, Peggy." "You just flick through the pics and rate a face on Hot Or Not and that'll hopefully lead to a romantic date, which you know, could in turn lead to a "kebab"." "Ee, I don't know, Peggy?" "How times have changed, eh?" "Oh, very much so, Pam, it was always a fish supper we used to have after we'd been humping." "James, do you not think all this stuff, meeting people with the phone's just a bit shallow?" "Yeah." "And you don't mind that?" "No." "..And I'll be going to the bar." "Well, this is nice, isn't it?" "Yeah, it's a nice place." "Been having a nice chat with your mam." "Did you?" "Yeah." "She's been telling us all your little secrets." " Did she?" " Oh, yes." "Like what?" "Well..." "Oh, relax man, I'm only joking with you, we had a lovely chat." "That's good." "I was afraid she was maybe boring you." "Well, she was, but she didn't say anything bad about you," " so don't worry." " That's good." "Erm, Leo says you're a hairdresser." "That's right." "That's why your own hair's so perfect." "Well, I wouldn't say perfect, but, er..." "YOU can." "Yes, any time you want to pop into the salon, I'll give you a cut" " or whatever." " Really?" "Only if you want to." "Thank you, that would be lovely." "Tell Leo and I'll pop you in the book." " That's really kind of you." " My pleasure." "Maybe I'll get to tidy up them brows while I'm on." "One tonic water." "(Spoilsport!" ")" " (You OK?" ")" " Fine." "I think." "I actually don't think this could get any more excruciating if it tried." "Actually, yes, it could." "Hiya!" "Hello, love!" "This is my other daughter, Jackie." "Hello, sorry I'm late." " Hello, Jackie." " Hiya." " Hi, Jackie." " Hi." " This is Leo." "Well, throw me up against a wheelie bin and whip off me knickers, who the hell's that?" "That's Geoff - we were at college together." "This is Leo." "Hello." "I'm Jackie." "Nice to meet you." "Jac..." "Jackie!" "Jackie." " PEGGY:" " Oh, Jackie's straight in there." "God forgive me, and I know she's my daughter, but it's not just a lock on her stomach she needs." "Fit as a butcher's." "Did you see the guns on him?" "Like his arm's swallowed a coconut." "Does he know about you?" "No, Jackie, he thinks I've come in fancy dress." " What about Leo's family - they up to speed?" " No." "Flipping heck, this could go seriously Jeremy Kyle." " I'm so glad you came." " Me too." "You all right?" "Leo, I think we should tell them." "OK, pretend I've just joined the conversation" " and I don't know what you're talking about." " Leo!" "We should tell them!" "About me." "What, now?" "Here?" "Them?" "Me mam?" "Yes." " No." " Yes." "What are you going to say?" "Same as I always do." "Just come right out with it." "My name's Judy, I'm transgender." " You don't want to soften them with a joke to begin with?" " Leo!" "Trust me, it's easier this way." "I understand, Judy, honestly I do, but, this is my mam we're dealing with here." "How bad can it be?" "If you're asking me as someone who's grown up with her and lives in the same house, I'd say, very." " Just say yes." " What?" "!" "Whatever it is she wants, just say yes." "That's what I do with your mother, anything for a quiet life." " Just say, yes, love." " Tony!" "Yes, love." "Coming, love." "LAUGHTER" " Did you enjoy that, love?" " Lovely, what was it again?" " Scottish sea salmon en croute and chips." " Oh." "James, did I ever tell you the story of how me and your mam met?" "Let's see now" " God made the Garden of Eden, then he made you." "After he made me Mam, he rested." "And then he thought, "What've I done to that poor bloke?"" "We met in a pub just like this." "I walked over to your mam and said..." " MIMICS JOEY FROM FRIENDS:" " How you doin'...?" " No." "No, I just said hello." " Boring!" " Ssh!" "We didn't need all this electronic technology." "Just two people, face-to-face." "This pub is full of nice young women." "Is it?" "There's no reason why you can't meet someone here." "But, Dad, when you met me mam, you was rocking a Magnum PI moustache and a leather jacket." "Course you pulled." "You don't need a moustache and leather jacket, man." "Do you know why?" "You've got a good heart." "A good heart?" "Are you saying I'm U-G-L-Y?" "Course not." "You're like a young Brad Pitt." " Give it a go!" " HE SLAPS JAMES' LEG" "JAMES SLAPS HIS OWN LEG" "How's me breath?" "Have you had sardines?" "I'm going to go to the bar, do you want another drink?" "No, I'm fine, thanks." "I will, Geoff, I'm gagging for one!" " Right..." " Actually, I think I will." " OK." "Here's what I hate about monster movies - it's the way people run." "They're getting chased by this gigantic creature, yet they just run like they're on a treadmill." "I can take a hint." "You want another drink, I'll get you one." "Eh, I'll just get back to my friends." "So you weren't ever frightened about what would happen" " if you changed your mind?" " No, I knew I was a woman." "Actually, there's a question I'd like to ask." "Oh, yeah, what's that?" "Geoff, how do you keep in such good shape?" "Erm, diet and exercise." "Well...well done, I think you're really brave." "Aw, thanks, Geoff." "Not brave enough to spill the beans to your future in-laws, though, eh?" " Thank you, Jackie..." " I don't know what's come over you " "I'M the shy one in the family." " What about what's-his-face?" " Leo?" "Yeah, Leo." "I mean, he's not..." "He's just a kid, isn't he?" "He's 26, not exactly a kid." "Geoff, do you wanna see me do the splits?" " You can't expect too much of him." " I suppose." "And then there's his mum and whoever, you know what I mean..." "JACKIE STRAINS" "I mean, not everyone's as comfortable with it as, for example, I am." "So what you're saying, Geoff, is it's just about being a bit tactful." "Yeah, kind of." "Oh, I couldn't agree more." "He's not as thick as he looks, him, is he?" "MUSIC:" "Love Machine by Girls Aloud" "You've passed me test." "I left me wallet out and you didn't try to pinch it." " I'm James." " I left your wallet out cos it looks empty." "Credit where credit's due, that's a chat-up line I've not heard before." " So...can I get you a drink?" " OK." "Great." "I'll be back before you know it." "Da-aaad." "Thanks." "Leo, I think I owe you a bit of an apology." "No, I owe you one." " Well, let me go first." " Yes, love." "MUSIC:" "It's Not Unusual by Tom Jones" " Come on, Pam!" " You what?" "Are you dancing or are you not?" "It's Tom Jones, Pam!" "Come on, let's show these bairns how it's done." "Right, Geoff, let's see you throw some shapes." "No." "Honestly, no." "When we said earlier that we should tell your mum and dad about me," "I wasn't really thinking about you." "No, but, Judy, I was going to say we could tell them now if you wanted." "Now?" "I felt terrible, because I thought you might have felt like" "I was embarrassed by you, and I'm not, not at all." "So then I thought we should just come out with it." "If you want." "If it makes you feel more comfortable." " Are you sure?" " If you feel that's what you want to do," " then we'll do it." " 100%?" "Yes, love." "Go on, Peggy!" "Ey, mush, come on, dance with your old mam." " Aw, Mam!" " Sorry, Judy." " Do you remember what I taught you?" " No!" " So, what do you think?" " What of?" " Of Judy?" " What, apart from the fact that she's nearly my age?" "Mam!" "And apart from the fact that you're going to have to get a right shufty on if you're going to have any grandchildren for me?" "Uh-huh." "And apart from the fact that her whole family are a bunch of utter fruit bats?" "Mam!" "She's all right, Leo, she's all right." "SHE CHUCKLES" "MUSIC STOPS AND MICROPHONE SQUEAKS" "Hey!" "It's only me, it's only me." "Sorry, sorry, it won't take a minute." "It's just that there's a little announcement I wanted to make." "Shiiit, she's up the duff." "Unlikely, mate." "Eh, there's something I wanted to say." "Uh, I wanted to tell you all..." " MAN:" " Go on, then." "To tell you..." "..that it's wonderful to meet you all." "ALL:" "Aww." "And...my shy sister's surprisingly flexible!" "ALL:" "Wahey!" "And the drinks are on Leo!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "MUSIC:" "It's Not Unusual resumes playing" "# It's not unusual to be mad with anyone" "# It's not unusual to be sad with anyone" "# But if I ever find that you've changed at any time" "# It's not unusual to find that I'm in love with you" "# Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa" "# Whoa-whoa, oh-oh" "# Whoa-whoa, whoa-whoa" "# Whoa-whoa, whoa-whoa... #"