"Well, Mrs Miggins, at last we can return to sanity." "The hustings are over, the bunting is down, the mad hysteria is at an end." "After the chaos of a general election, we can return to normal." "Has there been a general election, Mr Blackadder?" " Indeed there has, Mrs Miggins." " Well, I never heard about it." " Of course not - you're not eligible to vote." " Why not?" "Because virtually no one is: women, peasants, chimpanzees, lunatics, Lords..." " That's not true, Lord Nelson's got a vote." " He's got a bost, Baldrick." "Marvellous thing, democracy." "Look at Manchester:" "population, sixty thousand; electoral roll, three." "Well, I may have a brain the size of a sultana, but it hardly seems fair to me." "Of course it's not fair and a damn good thing too." "Give the like of Baldrick the vote and we'll be back to cavorting druids, death by stoning, and dung for dinner." "I'm having dung for dinner tonight." " Who are they electing at these elections?" " The same old shower." "Fat Tory landowners who get made MPs when they reach a certain weight, raving revolutionaries who think that because they do a day's work they have the right to get paid." "Basically, it's a right old mess." "Toffs at the top, plebs at the bottom, and me in the middle making a fat pile of cash out of both of them." "You'd better watch out, Mr Blackadder, things are bound to change." "Not while Pitt the Elder's Prime Minister." "He's about as effective as a catflap in an elephant house." "As long as his feet are warm and he gets a nice cup of tea in the sun before his morning nap, he doesn't bother anyone until his potty needs emptying." "(MR SPEAKER):" "Honourable members of the House of Commons," "I call upon the new Prime Minister of Great Britain and her empires:" "Mr William Pitt, the Younger." "Mr Speaker, members of the House, I shall be brief, as I have rather unfortunately become Prime Minister right in the middle of my exams." "I look forward to fulfilling my duty in a manner of which Nanny would be proud." "I shall introduce legislation to utterly destroy three enemies of the State." "The first is that evil dictator, Napoleon Bonaparte." "Here, here!" "The second is my old geography master, banana-breath Scrigshanks." "But most of all, sirs, I intend to pursue that utter slob, the Prince of Wales." "Here, here!" "Why, this year alone, he has spent 15,000 pounds on banqueting..." "Boo!" "Boo!" "Boo!" "..20,000 pounds on perfume..." "Boo!" "..and, most astonishingly of all, an astonishing 59,000 pounds on socks!" "Therefore, my three main policy priorities are:" "One, war with France;" "two, tougher sentences for geography teachers;" "and three, a right royal kick up the Prince's backside!" "Hurray!" "I now put upon the leader of the Opposition to test me on my Latin vocab." "Sir, if I may make so bold, a major crisis has arisen in your affairs." " Yes, I know, I've been pondering it all morning." " You have, sir?" "Yes - socks!" "Run out again!" "Why is it that no matter how many millions of pairs of socks I buy, I never seem to have any?" "Sir, with your forgiveness, there is another even weightier problem." "They just disappear!" "You'd think someone was coming in here, stealing the damn things and then selling them off." "Impossible, sir." "Only you and I have access to your socks." "Yes, yes, you're right." "For me, socks are like sex: tons of it about, but I never seem to get any." "If I may return to this very urgent matter." "I read fearful news in this morning's paper." "Oh, no." "Not another little cat caught up in a tree." "No, sir." "There's a vote afoot in the new Parliament to strike you from the Civil List." "Oh, yes, but what are they going to do about my socks!" "If this bill goes through, you won't have any socks... ..or trousers, shirts, waistcoats, or pantaloons." "They're going to bankrupt you." "They can't do that - the public love me!" "Only the other day, I was out in the street and they sang, "We hail Prince George!"" ""We hste Prince George."" " Was it?" " I fear so, sir." "However, all is not lost." "Fortunately, the numbers in the Commons are exactly equal." "If we can get one more MP to support us, then you're safe." "Hurrah!" "Any ideas?" "Well, yes, sir." "There is one man who might be the ace up our sleeve." "A rather crusty, loud-mouthed ace named Sir Talbot Buxomly." "Never heard of him." "That's hardly surprising, sir." "Sir Talbot has the worst attendance record of any MP." "On the one occasion he did enter the House of Commons, he passed water in the Great Hall, and then passed out in the Speaker's Chair." "If we can get him to support us, then we are safe." "According to 'Who's Who', his interests include flogging servants, shooting poor people, and the extension of slavery to anyone who hasn't got a knighthood." "Excellent!" "Sensible policies for a happier Britain!" "However, if we are to get him to support us, he will need some sort of incentive." " Anything in mind?" " You could appoint him a High Court judge." " Is he qualified?" " He's a violent, bigoted, mindless old fool." "Sounds a bit overqualified..." "Well, get him here at once!" "Certainly, sir." "I will return before you can say "antidisestablishmentarianism"." "Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that!" "Antidistibblincemin..." "Antimistilinstid..." "Antidistinctly-minty-monetarism.." "Your Highness, Sir Talbot Buxomly, MP." "Ah, Buxomly!" "Roaringly splendid to have you here." "How are you, sir?" "Heartily well, Your Highness." "I dined hugely off a servant before coming to town." " You eat your servants?" " No, sir, I eat offthem." "Why should I spend good money on tables when I have men standing idle?" "Why, indeed!" "Now, I dare say you've heard of Mr Pitt's intentions." "Young scallywag!" " So you don't approve of his plans to abolish me." " I do not, sir." "Damn his eyes!" "Damn his britches!" "Damn his duck pond!" "Hurrah for that!" "I care not a jot that you are the son of a certified sauerkraut-sucking loon!" "It minds not me that you dress like a mad parrot and talk like a plate of beans negotiating their way out of a cow's digestive system." "It is no skin off my rosy nose that there are bits of lemon peel floating down the Thames that would make better Regents than you." "The fact is, you sre Regent, appointed by God, and I shall stick by you forever, though infirmity lay me waste and ill health curse my every waking moment." "Well, good on you, sir." "And don't talk to me about infirmity." "Why, sir, you are the hardy stock that is the core of Britain's greatness." "You have the physique of a demigod." "Purple of cheek, and plump of fetlock, the shapely ankle and the well-filled trouser that tells of a human body in perfect working order." "He's dead, sir." "Dead?" " Yes, Your Highness." " What bad luck, we were rather getting on." " We must move at once." " In which direction?" "Sir Talbot represented the constituency of Dunny-on-the-Wold, and, by an extraordinary stroke of luck, it is a rotten borough." "Really?" "Is it?" "Well, lucky, lucky us." "Lucky, lucky, luck." "Luck-luck..." "Lark!" "Lark!" "Lark!" "Lark!" "Lark!" "Cluck!" "Cluck!" "Cluck!" "Lark!" "Lark!" "Lark!" "You don't know what a rotten borough is, do you, sir?" "No." "So what was the chicken impression in aid of?" "I just didn't want to hurt your feelings." "So, what is a robber button?" "Rotten borough." "A rotten borough, sir, is a constituency where the owner of the land corruptly controls both the voters and the MP." " Good, yes, and a robber button is?" " Could we leave that for a moment?" "Dunny-on-the-Wold is a tuppenny-ha'penny place." "Half an acre of sodden marshland in the Suffolk Fens with an empty town hall on it." "Population: three rather mangy cows, a dachshund named Colin, and a small hen in its late forties." "So, no people at all, then?" "Apart from Colin." " Colin is a dog, sir." " Yes, yes, yes." "Only one actual person lives there, and he is the voter." " So, what's the plan?" " We must buy Dunny-on-the-Wold at once, and thus control the voter." "I shall need a thousand pounds." "A thousand pounds?" "I thought you said it was a "tuppenny-ha'penny" place." "Yes, sir, the land will cost tuppence ha'penny, but there are other factors to be considered:" "Stamp duty, window tax, swamp insurance, hen food, dog biscuits, cow ointment - the expenses are endless." " Fine, the money's in my desk." " No, sir, it's in my wallet." "Oh, splendid!" "No time to lose, eh?" "My thoughts precisely, sir." "The only question is who to choose as MP." " Tricky." " What we need is an utter unknown, yet someone over whom we have complete power." "A man with no mind, with no ideas of his own." "One might almost say a man with no brain." " Any thoughts?" " Yes, Your Highness." " You rang, My Lord?" " Meet the new MP for Dunny-on-the-Wold." "But he's an absolute arsehead!" "Precisely, sir." "Our slogan shall be:" ""A rotten candidate for a rotten borough."" "Baldrick, I want you to go back to your kitchen sink and prepare for government." "Right." "Now all we have to do is fill in this MP application form." "Name:" "Baldrick." " First name?" " I'm not sure." " You must have some idea..." " Well, it might be "Sod off"." "What?" "When I used to play in the gutter, I used to say to the other snipes, "Hello, my name's Baldrick,"" "and they'd say, "Yes, we know." "Sod off, Baldrick."" "All right... "Mr S. Baldrick."" " Now, distinguishing features?" "None." " I've got this growth in the middle of my face." "That's your nose, Baldrick." "Any history of insanity in the family?" "Tell you what, I'll cross out the "in"." "Any history of ssnity in the family?" ""None whatsoever."" " Now, then, criminal record..." " Absolutely not." "Come on, Baldrick, you're going to be an MP, for God's sake!" "I'll just put "fraud and sexual deviancy"." "Now, minimum bribe level..." "One turnip." "Hang on, I don't want to price myself out of the market." "Baldrick, do you have any ambitions in life apart from the acquisition of turnips?" "No." "What would you do if I gave you a thousand pounds?" "I'd get a little turnip of my own." "What would you do if I gave you a million pounds?" "That's different." "I'd get a great big turnip in the country." "(KNOCK ON DOOR) Oh God, I'll get that." "Sign here." "Your Highness, Pitt the Younger." "Why, hello there, young sabre, m'lad!" "I say, here's fun." "I've a shiny sixpence here for the clever fellow who can tell me which hand it's in." "Oh, school, school!" "On half hols, is it?" "I bet you can't wait to get back and get that bat in your hand, and give those balls a good walloping." "Mr Pitt is the Prime Minister, sir." "Oh, go on!" "Is he?" "What, young Snotty here?" " I'd rather have a runny nose than a runny brain." " Eh?" "Prime Minister, we do have some lovely jelly in the pantry." "I don't know if you'd be interested." "Don't patronise me, you lower middle class yobbo!" "What flavour is it?" " Blackcurrant." " Eeeuughhh!" "I say, Blackadder, are you sure this is the PM?" "Seems like a bit of an oily tick to me." "We used to line up four or five of his sort, make them bend over, and use them as a toast-rack." "It doesn't surprise me, sir." "I know your sort." "Once, it was I who stood in the cold schoolroom, a hot crumpet burning my cheeks with shame." "Since that day, I have been busy every hour God sends, working to become Prime Minister and fight sloth and privilege wherever I found it." "I trust you weren't too busy to remove the crumpet." "You will regret this, gentlemen." "You think you can thwart my plans to bankrupt the Prince by fixing the Dunny-on-the-Wold by-election, but you will be thrashed!" "I intend to put up my own brother as a candidate against you." "And which Pitt would this be?" "Pitt the Toddler?" "Pitt the Embryo?" "Pitt the Glint in the Milkman's Eye?" "Ha!" "Sirs, as I said to Chancellor Metternich at the Congress of Strasbourg:" ""Pooh to you with knobs on!" We shall meet, sirs, on the hustings." "I say, Blackadder, what a ghastly squit!" "He's not going to win, is he?" "No, sir, because, firstly, we shall fight this campaign on issues, not personalities." "Secondly, we shall be the only fresh thing on the menu." "And thirdly, of course, we'll cheat." "Good evening and welcome to the Dunny-on-the-Wold by-election." "The turnout has been very good." "As a matter of fact, the voter turned out before breakfast." "And I can bring you the result of our exclusive Exit Poll which produced a 100 % result for... .."mind your own business, you nosy bastard."" "(VOICE IN THE CROWD):" "Mr Hanna, are you going to talk to any of the candidates?" "I certainly am, and I can see Prince George, who is leader of the Adder Party." "Prince George, described in his party news sheet as a "great moral and spiritual leader,"" "but described by almost everyone else as a "fat, flatulent git."" " Prince George, hello." " Good evening." "And good evening, Colin." "How do you see your prospects in this campaign?" "Well, first, I'd like a word about the disgraceful circumstances in which this election arose." "We paid for this seat, and I think it's a damn liberty that we should have to stand for it as well." "And why is it, that no matter how many pairs of socks you buy, you never seem to have enough?" "Fighting words from the Prince Regent." "And now let's have a word from the Adder Party candidate, Mr S. Baldrick, who so far has not commented on his policies in this campaign, but with him is his election agent, Mr E. Blackadder." "Well, we in the Adder Party are going to fight this campaign on issues, not personalities." " Why is that?" " Our candidate doesn't have a personality." " He doesn't say much about the issues, either." " No, he's got something wrong with his throat." "Perhaps he could answer one question." "What does the "S" in his name stand for?" " "Sod off"." " Fair enough, none of my business, really." "And now it's time, I think, for a result, and tension is running very high here." "Mr Blackadder assures me that this will be the first honest vote ever in a rotten borough." "And I think we all hope for a result which reflects the real needs of the constituency." "And behind me I can just see the Returning Officer moving to the front of the platform." "As the Acting Returning Officer for Dunny-on-the-Wold..." "The Acting Returning Officer, Mr E. Blackadder, of course." "And we're all very grateful that he stepped in at the last minute, when the previous Returning Officer accidently stabbed himself in the stomach while shaving." "I now announce the number of votes cast as follows:" "Brigadier General Horace Bolsom... (HANNA):" "Keep-Royalty-White-Rst- Catching-And-Safe-Sewage-Residents Party..." "No votes." "Ivor "Jest ye not madam" Biggun... (HANNA):" "Standing-At-The-Back-Dressed- Stupidly-And-Looking-Stupid Party..." "No votes." " Pitt, the Even Younger..." " (HANNA):" "Whig..." " No votes." " (HANNA):" "Oh, there's s shock." " Mr S. Baldrick..." "(HANNA):" "Adder Party... 16,472." "(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)" "And there you have it: victory for the Adder Party, a sensational swing against the Whigs." "I'll just try to get a final word with some of the candidates as they come up from the stage." "Master William Pitt the Even Younger, are you disappointed?" "Yes!" "I'm horrified!" "I smeared my opponent, bribed the press to be on my side, and threatened to torture the electorate if we lost." "I fail to see what more a decent politician could have done." "Ivor Biggun, no votes at all for the" "Standing-At-The-Back- Dressed-Stupidly-And-Looking-Stupid Party." " Are you disappointed?" " No, not really, no..." "I always say, "If you can't laugh, what can you do?"" "Take up politics, perhaps." "Has your party got any policies?" "Oh yes, certainly!" "We're for the compulsory serving of asparagus at breakfast, free corsets for the under-5's, and the abolition of slavery." "Many moderate people would respect your stand on asparagus, but what about this extremist nonsense about abolishing slavery?" "Oh, we just put that in for a joke!" "See you next year!" "And now, finally, a word with the man who is at the centre of this by-election mystery:" "the voter himself." "And his name is Mr E. Bla..." "Mr Blackadder, you are the only voter in this rotten borough." "Yes, that's right." " How long have you lived in this constituency?" " Since Wednesday morning." "I took over from the previous electorate when he, very sadly, accidently brutally cut his head off while combing his hair." "One voter, 16,472 votes..." " A slight anomaly?" " Not really, Mr Hanna." "You see, Baldrick may look like a monkey who's been put in a suit and then strategically shaved, but he is a brilliant politician." "The number of votes I cast is simply a reflection of how firmly I believe in his policies." "Well, that's excellent." "That's all for me - another great day for democracy in our country." "Vincent Hanna, Country Gentleman's Pig Fertilizer Gazette, Dunny-on-the-Wold." "We are reprieved." "It is a triumph for stupidity over common sense." " Thank you very much." " As a reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday." "Did you enjoy it?" "Right." "(MR SPEAKER):" "Will the honourable Members please cast their votes, 'aye' or 'nay', for the striking of the Prince Regent off the Civil List." "Excuse me..." "Excuse me..." "Excuse me!" " Hello, little chappie." "Are you a new bug?" " Yeah, I don't know anyone here." "I support the Prince and I don't know how to vote." "We can soon change all of that, can't we?" "Come along with me." "Oh, thanks." "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" "Well, well, well, if it isn't the Lord Privy Toast-Rack." "Pull up a muffin, sit yourself down." " You don't like me, do you, Mr Blackadder?" " Well, nobody likes a loser." " Then that's why nobody likes you." " What?" "You lost the vote." "Your monkey obligingly voted for us." "Oh God, no." "If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick before you start." "You're beaten, Oik!" "And you and your disgusting master have twenty-four hours to get out." "Twenty-four hours is a long time in politics." "Good day." "There is just one thing before I go." "I've got this sort of downy hair developing on my chest, is that normal?" "Also, I get so lonely and confused." "I've written a poem about it, maybe you'll understand." " "Why do nice girls hate me?" "Why..."" " Get out, you nauseating adolescent!" "Piss off!" "How could I have been so stupid?" "Goodbye, Millionaire's Row." "Hello, Room 12 of the Budley Salterton Twilight Rest Home for the Terminally Short of Cash!" "And to think you once dreamed you'd end up in the House of Lords." " What?" " The House of Lords." "I'd forgotten about the House of Lords!" "The Lords will never let the bill through." "Every man-jack of them will be behind the Prince." " Right, take Baldrick off the spit." " Hurrah..." "I've got a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel." "Da-daa!" "(HUMS TRIUMPHANTLY)" "Oi, tally-ho, Blackadder!" "You look as happy as a man who thought a cat had done its business on his pie, but it turned out to be an extra big blackberry." " Did our plan go well?" " Excellently, sir." "Order a thousand pairs of finest cotton socks." "Take out the drawings for that beach hut at Brighton." " Hurrah!" " There was, however, one slight... (COUGHS) ..hiccup." "Cough I think you mean." "No, sir, hiccup." "The motion about your impoverishment has now moved on to the House of Lords." "Bravo!" "Well, no worry there, then." "Every man-jack of them will be behind me." "Ah, would that were so, Your Highness." "These are treacherous times." " Are they?" " Yes." "It might be wise to appoint a new Lord, to make sure the old Lords vote the right way." "Good thought." "New Lord..." " Any idea who?" " Well, sir, one name does leap to mind." " Does it?" " Yes, sir." "You couldn't make it leap any higher, could you?" "A young man in your service, sir, who has done sterling work matching the political machinations of the evil Pitt." "Ah, of course!" "Blackadder, oh, how can I ever thank you enough?" "It might also be worth bribing a few Lords, just to make sure they vote the way their consciences tell them." " How many should we bribe?" " Oh, I think three hundred, to be sure, at a thousand pounds each." " Three hundred thousand pounds?" " Four hundred thousand, I think you'll find, sir." "Yes, you're right." "Well, thank God I've got you to advise me, Bladder." "Just remind me, what do I have to do to appoint this Lord chappie?" "Oh, it's very simple, sir." "You put on your robes of State, he puts on his, then you sign the Document of Ennoblement and dispatch him at once to the House of Lords." " Excellent!" "I shall change immediately." " And so, sir, shall I." "Voilà, Mrs Miggins." "My robes of State." "A thousand pounds well spent, I think." "Oh, very nice!" "Oh, it's real cat, isn't it?" "This is not cat, Mrs Miggins." "This is finest, leather-trimmed ermine with gold medallion accessories." "Oh, go on, Mr Blackadder, it's cat." "Oh, look, they've left the little collars on." ""Mr Frisky." "If found, please return to Emma Hamilton, Marine Parade, Portsmouth."" "Oh, God!" "Ah, well, who cares about a dead cat now that I'm a fat cat." " You're full of yourself today, Mr B!" " Which is more than can be said for Mr Frisky." "My Lord." " My Lords." " I'm sorry, sir?" "My Lords." "There is more than one Lord in the vicinity." "Well, yes..." "Will you please welcome His Grace, The Lord Baldrick!" "You made Baldrick a Lord?" "Well, yes." ""One who has recently done sterling work, matching the political machinations of the evil Pitt." Good old Lord Baldrick." "It's alright, Blackadder, you don't have to curtsey or anything." " Might I let loose a short, violent exclamation?" " Certainly." "Damn!" "Thank you, sir." "I say, that's a bit of a strange get-up you've got there, isn't it, Blackadder?" "Yes, I'm just off to a fancy dress party." "I'm going as Lady Hamilton's pussy." "There's just one question, sir, about the four hundred thousand to influence the Lords." "Ah, yes, I gave that to Lord Baldrick." "Sir, might I be permitted to take Lord Baldrick downstairs to give him some instruction in his lordly duties?" "I think that's a splendid idea." "This way, My Lord." "Give me the bloody money, Baldrick, or you're dead!" ""Give me the bloody money, Baldrick, or you're dead, My Lord!"" "Just do it, Baldrick!" "Otherwise, I shall further ennoble you by knighting you rather clumsily with this meat cleaver." " I haven't got it." " What?" " I spent it." " You spent it?" "What could you possibly spend 400,000 pounds on?" "Oh, no..." "Oh, God, don't tell me." "My dream turnip." "Baldrick, how did you manage to find a turnip that cost 400,000 pounds?" "Well, I had to haggle." "This is the worst moment of my entire life." "I spent my last penny on a catskin windcheater, and I've just broken a priceless turnip." "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" "And now I'm about to be viciously slaughtered by a naked Tunisian sock merchant." "And all I can say, Baldrick, is this:" "It's the last time I dabble in politics!" "Oh, Blackadder!" "Blackadder!" " Your Highness." " What time is it?" " Three o'clock in the afternoon, Your Highness." " Thank God for that, I thought I'd overslept." " I trust you had a pleasant evening, sir?" " Well, no, actually." "The most extraordinary thing happened." "Last night I was having a bit of a snack at the Naughty Hellfire Club, and some fellow said that I had the wit and sophistication of a donkey." " An absurd suggestion, sir." " You're right, it is absurd." "Unless, of course, it was a particularly stupid donkey." "If only I'd thought of saying that." "It is so often the way, sir, too late one thinks of what one should have said." "Sir Thomas More, for instance, burned alive for refusing to recant his Catholicism, must have been kicking himself, as the flames licked higher, that it never occurred to him to say," ""I recant my Catholicism."" "Only the other day, Prime Minister Pitt called me an idle scrounger, and it wasn't until ages later that I thought how clever it would've been to have said," ""Oh, bugger off, you old fart!"" "I need to improve my mind, Blackadder." "I want people to say," ""That George, why, he's as clever as a stick in a bucket of pig swill."" "And how do you suggest this miracle is to be achieved, Your Highness?" "Easy, I shall become best friends with the cleverest man in England." "That renowned brainbox, Dr Samuel Johnson, has asked me to be patron of his new book." "Would this be the long awaited dictionary, sir?" "Who cares about the title as long as there's plenty of juicy murders in it." " I hear it's a masterpiece." " No, sir, it is not." "It's the most pointless book since "How To Learn French" was translated into French." "You haven't got anything personal against Johnson, have you Blackadder?" "Good Lord, sir, not at all." "In fact, I had never heard of him until you mentioned him just now." " But you do think he's a genius?" " No, sir, I do not." "Unless, of course, the definition of "genius" in his ridiculous dictionary is "a fat dullard or wobblebottom;" "a pompous ass with sweaty dewflaps."" "Close shave there, then." "Lucky you warned me." "I was about to embrace this unholy arse to the royal bosom." "I'm delighted to have been instrumental in keeping your bosom free of arses." "Bravo!" "I don't want to waste my valuable time with wobblebottoms." "Fetch some tea, will you, Blackadder?" "Make it two cups, will you?" "That splendid brainbox Dr Johnson is coming round." "(BLACKADDER MAKES NOISE OF DISCONTENT) (BALDRICK):" "Something wrong, Mr B?" "Something's always wrong, Balders." "The fact that I'm not a millionaire aristocrat with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino is a constant niggle." "But, today, something's even wronger." "That globulous fraud, Dr Johnson, is coming to tea." "I thought he was the cleverest man in England." "I'd bump into cleverer people at a lodge meeting of the Guild of Village Idiots." "That's not what you said when you sent him your navel." "Novel, Baldrick, not navel." "I sent him my novel." "Well, novel or navel, it sounds a bit like a bag of grapefruits to me." "The phrase, Baldrick, is "a case of sour grapes," and yes it bloody well is." "He might at least have written back, but no, nothing, not even a "Dear Gertrude Perkins," "Thank you for your book." "Get stuffed." "Samuel Johnson."" " Gertrude Perkins?" " Yes, I gave myself a female pseudonym." "Everybody's doing it these days:" "Mrs Radcliffe, Jane Austen..." " Jane Austen's a man?" " Of course." "A huge Yorkshireman with a beard like a rhododendron bush." " Quite a small one, then?" " Compared to Dorothy Wordsworth's, certainly." "James Boswell is the only real woman writing at the moment, and that's just because she wants to get inside Johnson's britches." " Perhaps your book really isn't any good." " It's taken me seven years, and it's perfect." ""Edmund:" "A Butler's Tale"" "A giant rollercoaster of a novel in four hundred sizzling chapters." "A searing indictment of domestic servitude in the 18th century, with some hot gypsies thrown in." "My magnum opus, Baldrick." "Everybody has one novel in them, and this is mine." "And this is mine." "My magnificent octopus." " This is your novel, Baldrick?" " Yeah, I can't stand long books." ""Once upon a time, there was a lovely little sausage called Baldrick, and it lived happily ever after."" " It's semi autobiographical." " And it's completely utterly awful." "Dr Johnson will probably love it." "(A BELL RINGS)" "Speak of the devil..." "Well, I'd better go and make the great Doctor comfortable." "Let's just see how damned smart Dr Fatty-Know-It-All really is." " And prepare a fire for the Prince." " What shall I use?" "Any old rubbish will do." "Paper's quite good." "Here, try this for starters." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Enter!" " Dr Johnson, Your Highness." " Ah, Dr Johnson!" " Damn cold day!" " Indeed it is, sir, but a very fine one." "I celebrated last night the encyclopaedic implementation of my premeditated orchestration of demotic Anglo-Saxon." "Didn't catch any of that." "I simply observed, sir, that I'm felicitous, since, during the course of the penultimate solar sojourn," "I terminated my uninterrupted categorisation of the vocabulary of our post-Norman tongue." "I don't know what you're talking about, but it sounds damn saucy, you lucky thing." "I know some liberal-minded girls, but I've never penultimated any of them in a solar sojourn, or been given any Norman tongue." "I believe, sir, that the Doctor is trying to tell you that he is happy because he has finished his book." "It has apparently taken him ten years." "Yes, well, I'm a slow reader myself." "Here it is, sir, the very cornerstone of English scholarship." "This book, sir, contains every word in our beloved language." " Every single one, sir?" " Every single word, sir!" "Well, in that case, sir, I hope you will not object if I also offer the Doctor my most enthusiastic contrafribblarities." " What?" " "Contrafribblarities", sir." " It is a common word down our way." " Damn!" "Oh, I'm sorry, sir." "I'm anaspeptic, phrasmotic, even compunctious to have caused you such pericombobulation." "What?" "What?" "What?" "What are you on about, Blackadder?" "This is all beginning to sound a bit like dago talk to me." "I'm sorry, sir." "I merely wished to congratulate the Doctor on not having left out a single word." " Shall I fetch the tea, Your Highness?" " Yes, yes." " And get that damned fire up here, will you?" " Certainly, sir." "I shall return interphrastically." "So, Dr Johnson." "Sit ye down." "This book of yours, tell me, what's it all about?" " It is a book about the English language, sir." " I see." "And the hero's name is what?" " There is no hero, sir." " No hero?" "Well, lucky I reminded you." "Better put one in pronto!" "Call him George." "George is a good name for a hero." "Now, what about heroines?" "There is no heroine, sir, unless it is our Mother Tongue." "Ah, the mother's the heroine." "Nice twist." "How far have we got, then?" "Old Mother Tongue is in love with George the Hero." "What about murders?" "Mother Tongue doesn't get murdered, does she?" "No she doesn't." "No one gets murdered, or married, or in a tricky situation over a pound note." "Well, now, look, Dr Johnson, I may be as thick as a whale omelette, but even I know a book's got to have a plot." "Not this one, sir." "It is a book that tells you what English words mean." "I know what English words mean, I speak English!" "You must be a bit of a thicko." "Perhaps you would rather not be patron of my book if you can see no value in it whatsoever, sir!" "Perhaps so, sir!" "As it sounds to me as if my being patron of this complete cowpat of a book will set the seal once and for all on my reputation as an utter turnip head." "Well, it is a reputation well deserved, sir!" "Farewell!" "Leaving already, Doctor?" "Not staying for your pendigestatery interludicule?" " No, sir!" "Show me out!" " Certainly, sir." "Anything I can do to facilitate your velocitous extramuralisation." "You will regret this doubly, sir." "Not only have you impecuniated my dictionary, but you've also lost the chance to act as patron to the only book in the world that is even better." "Oh, and what is that, sir?" ""Dictionary II:" "The Return of the Killer Dictionary"?" "No, sir!" "It is "Edmund:" "A Butler's Tale" by Gertrude Perkins." "A huge rollercoaster of a novel crammed with sizzling gypsies." "Had you supported it, sir, it would have made you and me and Gertrude millionaires." "Millionaires!" "But it was not to be, sir." "I fare you well;" "I shall not return." "Excuse me, sir." "Dr Johnson..." "A word, I beg you." "A word with you can mean seven million syllables." "You might not be finished by bedtime!" "Oh, blast my eyes!" "In my fury, I have left my dictionary with your foolish master." " Go fetch it, will you?" " Sir, the Prince is young and foolish." "And has a peanut for a brain." "Give me just a few minutes and I will deliver both the book and his patronage." "Oh, will you, sir?" "I very much doubt it." "A servant who is an influence for the good is like a dog who speaks: very rare." " I think I can change his mind." " Well, I doubt it, sir." "A man who can change a prince's mind is like a dog who speaks Norwegian: even rarer." "I shall be at Mrs Miggins' Literary Salon in twenty minutes." "Bring the book there." " Your Highness, may I offer my congratulations?" " Well, thanks, Blackadder." "That pompous baboon won't be back in a hurry." "On the contrary, sir." "Dr Johnson left in the highest of spirits." "He is utterly thrilled at your promise to patronise his dictionary." "I told him to sod off, didn't I?" "Yes, sir, but that was a joke." "Surely." " Was it?" " Certainly!" "And a brilliant one what's more." "Yes, yes!" "I suppose it was, rather, wasn't it?" "So may I deliver your note of patronage to Dr Johnson, as promised?" "If that's what I promised, then that's what I must do and I remember promising it distinctly." " Excellent." "Nice fire, Baldrick." " Thank you, Mr B." "Let's get the book." "Now, Baldrick, where's the manuscript?" " The big papery thing tied up with string?" " Yes, the manuscript belonging to Dr Johnson." "You mean the baity fellow in the black coat who just left?" "Yes, Baldrick, Dr Johnson." "So you're asking where the big papery thing tied up with string, belonging to the baity fellow in the black coat, who just left, is." "Yes, Baldrick, I am, and if you don't answer, then the booted bony thing with five toes on the end of my leg will soon connect sharply with the soft dangly collection of objects in your trousers." "For the last time, Baldrick:" "Where is Dr Johnson's manuscript?" " On the fire." " On the what ?" "The hot orangy thing under the stony mantlepiece." " You've burnt the dictionary?" " Yup." "You've burnt the life's work of England's foremost man of letters?" " Well, you did say "burn any old rubbish."" " Yes, fine." "Isn't it going to be a bit difficult for me to patronise this book if we've burnt it?" "Yes, it is." "If you would excuse me a moment." "Of course." "Now that I've got my lovely fire, I'm as happy as a Frenchman who's invented a pair of self-removing trousers." "Baldrick, will you join me in the vestibule?" "We are going to go to Mrs Miggins' to find out where Dr Johnson keeps a copy of that dictionary, and then, you are going to steal it." " Why me?" " Because you burnt it, Baldrick." "But then I'll go to Hell forever for stealing." "Baldrick, believe me, eternity in the company of Beelzebub and all his hellish instruments of death will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me and this pencil if we can't replace this." "O, love lorn ecstasy that is, Mrs Miggins, wilt thou bring me but one cup of the browned juicings of that naughty bean we call "coffee"" "ere I die." "You do have a way of words with you, Mr Shelley." "To Hell with this fine talking." "Coffee, woman!" "My consumption grows evermore acute, and Coleridge's drugs are wearing off." "Oh, Mr Byron, don't be such a big girl's blouse." " Don't forget the pencil, Baldrick." " Oh, I certainly won't, sir." "Ah, good day to you, Mrs Miggins." "A cup of your best hot water with brown grit in it, unless by some miracle your coffee shop has started selling coffee." "Be quiet, sir." "Can't you see we're dying?" "Don't you worry about my poets, Mr Blackadder." "They're not dead, they're just being intellectual." "There's nothing intellectual about wandering around Italy in a big shirt, trying to get laid." " Why are they here of all places?" " We are here to pay homage to Dr Johnson." " As, sir, should you." " Well, absolutely." "I intend to." "You wouldn't have a copy of his dictionary, so I can do some revising before he gets here?" "Friends, I have returned." " So, sir, how was the Prince?" " The Prince was and is an utter fool, and his household filled with cretinous servants." " Good afternoon, sir." " And you are the worst of them, sir." "After all your boasting, have you my dictionary and my patronage?" "Not quite." "The Prince begs just a few more hours to really get to grips with it." "Bah!" "However, I was wondering if a lowly servant such as I might be permitted to glance at a copy." "Copy?" "There is no copy, sir." "No copy?" "Making a copy is like fitting wheels to a tomato, time consuming and completely unnecessary." "(POETS LAUGH)" " But what if the book got lost?" " I should not lose the book, sir." "And if any other man should, I would tear off his head with my bare hands and feed it to the cat!" "Well, that's nice and clear." "And I, Lord Byron, would summon up fifty of my men, lay siege to the fellow's house and do bloody murder on him." "And I would not rest until the criminal was hanging by his hair, with an Oriental disembowelling cutlass thrust up his ignoble behind." "I hope you're listening to all this, Baldrick." "Sir, I have been unable to replace the dictionary." "I am therefore leaving immediately for Nepal, where I intend to live as a goat." "Why?" "Because if I stay here, Dr Johnson's companions will have me brutally murdered, sir." "Good God, Blackadder, that's terrible!" "Do you know any other butlers?" "And, of course, when the people discover you have burnt Dr Johnsons's dictionary, they may go round saying, "Look!" "There's thick George." "He's got a brain the size of a weasel's wedding tackle."" " In that case, something must be done!" " I have a cunning plan, sir." "Hurrah!" "Well, that's that, then." "I wouldn't get overexcited, sir." "I have a horrid suspicion that Baldrick's plan will be the stupidest thing we've heard since Lord Nelson's famous signal at the Battle of the Nile:" ""England knows Lady Hamilton is a virgin." "Poke my eye out and cut off my arm if I'm wrong."" "Great!" "Let's hear it, then." "It's brilliant." "You take the string - that's still not completely burnt - you scrape off the soot, and you shove the pages in again." " Which pages?" " Well, not the same ones, of course." "I think I'm on the point of spotting the flaw in this plan, but do go on." " Which pages are they?" " Well, this is the brilliant bit." "You write some new ones." "Some new ones?" "You mean rewrite the dictionary?" "I sit down tonight and rewrite the dictionary that took Dr Johnson ten years." "Yup." "Baldrick, that is by far and away, and without a shadow of doubt, the worst and most comtemptible plan in the history of the universe." "On the other hand, I hear the sound of disembowelling cutlasses being sharpened, and it's the only plan we've got, so if you will excuse me, gentlemen." "Perhaps you'd like me to lend a hand, Blackadder." "I'm not as stupid as I look." "I sm as stupid as I look, sir." " But if I can help, I will." " It's very kind of you both." "But I fear your services might be as useful as a barber shop on the steps of the guillotine." "Oh, come on, Blackadder, give us a try!" "Very well, sir, as you wish." "Let's start at the beginning, shall we?" "First "a"." "How would you define "a"?" " Oh, I love this!" "I love this, quizzes..." " Hang on, it's coming." " "a", oh, crikey, erm..." " "a"..." " Yes, I've got it!" " What?" "Well, it doesn't really mean anything, does it?" "Good." "So we're well on the way, then." ""a - impersonal pronoun, doesn't really mean anything."" "Right!" "Next - "ab"..." ""ab"..." "Well, it's a buzzing thing, innit?" ""A... buzzing... thing."" "Baldrick, I mean something that starts with "ab"." "Honey?" "Honey starts with a bee." "He's right, you know, Blackadder." "Honey does start with a bee, and a flower, too." "Yes, look, this really isn't getting anywhere." "And besides, I've left out "aardvark"." " Don't say we didn't give it a try." " No, Your Highness, it was a brave start." "But I fear I must proceed on my own." "Baldrick, go to the kitchen and make me something quick and simple to eat." " Two slices of bread with something in between." " Like Gerald, Lord Sandwich, had the other day?" "Yes, a few rounds of Geralds." " How goes it, Blackadder?" " Not all that well, sir." "Well, let's have a look." ""Medium-sized insectivore with protruding nasal implement."" " Doesn't sound much like a bee to me." " It's an aardvark!" "It's a bloody aardvark!" " Oh dear, still on "aardvark", are we?" " Yes, I'm afraid we are." "And if I ever meet an aardvark, I'm going to step on its damn protruding nasal implement until it couldn't suck up an insect if its life depended on it." " Got a bit stuck, have you?" " I'm sorry, sir." "It's five hours later, and I've got every word in the English language, except "a" and "aardvark", still to do." "And I'm not very happy with my definition of either of them." "Well, don't panic, Blackadder, because I have some rather good news." "Oh?" "What?" "Well, we didn't take no for an answer, and have been working all night." " I've done "b"." " Really?" "And how have you got on?" "Well, I had a bit of trouble with "belching", but I think I got it sorted out in the end." "(BURPS) Oh no, there I go again!" "(GEORGE LAUGHS)" "You've been working on that joke for some time, haven't you, sir?" "Yes, I have." " Since you started..." " Basically." " So, in fact, you haven't done any work at all." " Not as such, no." " Great." "Baldrick, what have you done?" " I've done "c" and "d"." "Right, let's have it, then." ""Big blue wobbly thing that mermaids live in."" "What's that?" ""Sea"." "Yes, tiny misunderstanding." "Still, my hopes weren't high." "Now, what about "d"?" " I'm quite pleased with "dog"." " Yes, and your definition of "dog" is?" ""Not a cat."" "Excellent." "Excellent!" " Your Highness, may I have a word?" " Certainly." "It has always been my intention to stay with you until you had a strapping son and I one likewise, to take over the burdens of my duties." " That's right, Blackadder, and I thank you for it." " I'm afraid that there's been a change of plan." "I am off to the kitchen to hack my head off with a big knife." "Oh, come on, Blackadder, it's only a book." "Let's just damn the fellow's eyes, strip the britches from his backside and warm his heels to Putney Bridge!" "Hurrah!" "Sir, you can't just lop someone's head off and blame it on the Vikings." " Can't I, by God!" " No." "Well, then let's just get on with it!" "I mean, boil my brains, it's only a dictionary." "No one's asked us to eat ten raw pigs for breakfast." "We're British, aren't we?" "You're not, you're German." "Get me some coffee, Baldrick." "If I fall asleep before Monday, we're doomed." " Mr Blackadder, time to wake up." " What time is it?" " Monday morning." " Monday morning?" "!" "Oh my God!" "I've overslept!" " Where's the quill?" "Where's the parchment?" " Maybe Dr Johnson's got some with him." " What?" "!" " He's outside." " Are you ill, sir?" " No, you can't have it." "I want Baldrick to read it, which, unfortunately will mean teaching him to read, which will take about ten years, but time well spent, I think, because it's such a good dictionary." " I don't think so." " Oh God!" "We've been burgled!" "What?" "I think it's an awful dictionary, full of feeble definitions and ridiculous verbiage." "I've come to ask you to chuck the damn thing in the fire." " Are you sure?" " I've never been so sure of anything in my life." "I love you, Dr Johnson, and I want to have your babies." "Excuse me, Dr Johnson, but my Auntie Marjorie has just arrived." "Baldrick, who gave you permission to turn into an Alsatian?" "Oh God, it's a dream, isn't it?" "It's a bloody dream!" "(SOUND OF HARPS)" "Dr Johnson doesn't want us to burn his dictionary at all." " Mr Blackadder, time to wake up." " What time is it?" " Monday morning." " Monday morning?" "!" "Oh my God!" "I've overslept!" " Where's the quill?" "Where's the parchment?" " Maybe Dr Johnson's got some with him." " What?" "!" " He's outside." "Now, hang on." "If we go on like this, you're going to turn into an Alsatian again." "(KNOCKING AND ROARING)" "Oh, my God!" "Quick, Baldrick, we've got to escape." "Bring out the dictionary at once." "Bring it out, sir, or, in my passion, I shall kill everyone by giving them syphilis!" "Bring it out, sir, and also any opium plants you may have around there." "Bring it out, sir, or we shall break down the door!" " Good morning." "Dr Johnson, Lord Byron..." " Where is my dictionary?" "And what dictionary would this be?" "The one that has taken eighteen hours of every day for the last ten years." "My mother died" " I hardly noticed." "My father cut off his head and fried it in garlic, in the hope of attracting my attention - I scarcely looked up from my work." "My wife brought armies of lovers to the house, who worked in droves so that she might bring up a huge family of bastards." "I cannot..." "Am I to presume that my elaborate bluff has not worked?" "Right, well, the truth is, Doctor - now, don't get cross, don't overreact - the truth is: we burnt it." "Then you die!" "Good morning, everyone." "You know, this dictionary really is a cracking good read." " It's an absolutely splendid job!" " My dictionary!" "But you said you burnt it." "I think it's a splendid book, and I look forward to patronising it enormously." "Thank you, sir." "I think I'm man enough to sacrifice the pleasure of killing to maintain the general good humour." "There's to be no murder today, gentlemen." "But prepare to Mrs Miggins'" " I shall join you there later for a roister you'll never forget." "So, tell me, sir, what words particularly interested you?" " Oh, nothing." "Anything, really, you know." " I see you've underlined a few." "Bloomers, bottom, burp, fart, fiddle, fornicate..." "Sir!" "I hope you're not using the first English dictionary to look up rude words." "I wouldn't be too hopeful, that's what all the other ones will be used for." " Sir, can I look up turnip?" " Turnip isn't a rude word, Baldrick." "It is if you sit on one." "We have more important business in hand." "I refer, of course, to the works of the mysterious Gertrude Perkins." "Mysterious no more, sir." "It is time for the truth." "I can at last reveal the identity of the great Gertrude Perkins." " Sir, who is she?" " She, sir, is me, sir." " I am Gertrude Perkins." " Good Lord!" "And I can prove it." "Bring out the manuscript, and I will show you that my signature corresponds exactly with that on the front." " I must have left it here with the dictionary." " This is terribly exciting." "Baldrick, fetch my novel." " Novel?" " Yes, the big papery thing tied up with string." " Like the thing we burnt?" " Exactly like the thing we burnt." "So you're asking for the big papery thing tied up with string, exactly like the thing we burnt." "Exactly." "We burnt it." "So we did." "Thank you, Baldrick - seven years of my life up in smoke." " Would you excuse me a moment?" " By all means." "(BLACKADDER SCREAMS):" "Oh, God, no!" "Thank you, sir." "Burnt, you say?" "That's most inconvenient." "A burnt novel is like a burnt dog..." "Shut up!" "Sir, I have a novel." ""Once upon a time there was a lovely little sausage called..." Sausage?" "!" "Sausage?" "!" "Oh, blast your eyes!" "I didn't think it was that bad." "I think you'll find he left "sausage" out of his dictionary." "Oh, and "aardvark"." "Come on, Blackadder, it's not all that bad - nothing a nice roaring fire can't solve." " Baldrick, do the honours, will you?" " Certainly, Your Majesty." "Ooh la la!" " Good morning, Mrs Miggins." " Bonjour, monsieur." " What?" " Bonjour, monsieur - it's French." "So is eating frogs, cruelty to geese and urinating in the street, but don't inflict it on the rest of us." "But French is all the fashion!" "My coffee shop is full of Frenchies, and it's all because of that wonderful Scarlet Pimpernel." "The Scarlet Pimpernel is not wonderful." "No reason to admire someone for filling London with a load of garlic-chewing French toffs crying "Ooh la la!" and looking for sympathy just because their fathers had their heads cut off." "A cup of coffee and some shepherd's pie, please." "We don't serve pies any more!" "My French clientele consider pies uncouth." "I hardly think that a nation that eats snails, and would go to bed with the kitchen sink if it put on a tutu, is in any position to preach couthness." " So what's on the menu?" " Today's hot choice is;" "Chicken Pimpernel in a Scarlet Sauce, Scarlet Chicken in a Pimpernel Sauce, or Huge Suspicious-Looking Sausages in a Scarlet Pimpernel Sauce." " What exactly is Scarlet Pimpernel sauce?" " You take a large ripe frog, squeeze it..." "Yes, all right." "I'm off to the pub." " Ah, bonjour, monsieur!" " Sod off." "(CAT MIAOWS)" "Oh, sir!" "Poor little Mildred the cat!" "What's he ever done to you?" "It is the way of the world, Baldrick, the abused always kick downwards." "I am annoyed, and so I kick the cat, the cat... (A MOUSE SQUEAKS) ..pounces on the mouse, and, finally, the mouse..." " Agh!" " ..bites you on the behind." " Well, what do I do?" " Nothing." "You are last in God's great chain." "Unless, of course, there's an earwig around here that you'd like to victimise." " Baldrick, what's happened to your nose?" " Nice, innit?" "No, it isn't." "It's revolting." "I'll take it off, then." "Baldrick, why are you wearing a false boil?" "What are we to expect next?" "A beauty wart?" "A cosmetic verruca?" "It's a Scarlet Pimple, sir." " Really?" " Yeah, they're all the rage down our way." "Everyone wants to express their admiration for the great Pimple and his brilliant disguises." "What has this fellow done, apart from pop over to France to grab a few French nobs from the ineffectual clutches of some malnourished whingeing lefties, taking the opportunity while there to pick up some really good cheap wine" "and some of their marvellous open fruit flans?" "We hate the French!" "We fight wars against them!" "Did all those men die in vain on the field at Agincourt?" "Was the man who burned Joan of Arc simply wasting good matches?" "(BELL RINGS)" "Ah, His Royal Highness the Pinhead of Wales summons me." "I feel almost well disposed towards him this morning - at least he's not French." "Un tosst!" "Encore un tosst, I say!" "Le Pimpernel Scsrlette!" "Le Pimpernel Scsrlette!" "Le Adder Noir!" "Come à nous in!" "This is the fellow to ask, you chaps, my butler, terribly clever, brighter than a brain pie." "We're trying to guess who the Scarlet Pimpernel is, so we can send him an enormous postal order to express our admiration." "Any ideas?" "I'm sure if you addressed the envelope to "The Biggest Show-Off in London", it will reach him." "Tish and pish!" "Gadzooks!" "Milarky!" "How dare you say such a thing?" "Damn me, sir, if you're not the worst kind of swine!" "Damn that swine." "I was merely pointing out that sneaking aristocrats out from under the noses of French revolutionaries, is about as difficult as putting on a hat." "Sink me, sir!" "This is treason!" "The Scarlet Pimpernel is a hero and the revolution is orchestrated by a ruthless band of highly organised killers, damn them!" "Damn those organised killers." "George, we were just discussing the French Embassy ball in honour of the exiled aristocracy." "We certainly were." "Where I intend to wear the most magnificent pair of trousers ever to issue forth from the delicate hands of messrs." "Snibcock  Turkey," "Couturiers to the Very Wealthy and the Extremely Fat." "If the Pimpernel does reveal himself, I don't want to get caught out wearing boring trousers." "Damn those boring trousers." "What say we bet your cocksure domestic a thousand guineas he can't go to France, rescue an aristocrat, and present him at the ball?" "That's turned you white, hasn't it?" "That's frightened you, you lily-livered, caramel-kidneyed, custard-coloured cad." " Not so buoyant now, are you, eh?" "Eh?" " Eh?" "On the contrary, sir." "I'll just go and pack." "Perhaps Lord Smedley and Lord Topper will accompany me." "It'll be a fairly easy trip - the odd death defying leap, and a modest amount of dental torture." " Want to come?" " Oh, no!" "Damn!" "Damn!" "Any day now, I've got an appointment with my doctor." "I've got a bit of a sniffle coming on, I can feel it in my bones." "Damn bones, damn..." "What about next week?" "Come on, you chaps, get your diaries out, come on." "All right." "Damn!" "I left it behind." "And, besides, I've just remembered, my father's just died." "I've got to be at his funeral in ten minutes." "Damn sorry." "Goodbye, Your Highness." "Oh, damn, I'm the best man." "Damn that dead father, damn." " Bye-bye..." " See you at the ball." "What a shame they were so busy." "It would have been lovely to have had them with us." " Us?" "You're coming, sir?" " Well, certainly." "And nothing I can say about the mind-bending horrors of the revolution could put you off?" "Absolutely not!" "Now, come on, Blackadder, let's get packing." "I want to look my best for those fabulous French birds." "The type of women currently favoured in France are toothless crones who just cackle insanely." "Oh, ignore that, they're just playing hard to get." "By removing all their teeth, going mad and aging forty years?" "That's right, the little teasers." "Well, come on, I think a blend of silks and satins." "I fear not, sir." "If we are to stand any chance of survival in France, we shall have to dress as the smelliest lowlife imaginable." " What sort of thing?" " Well, sir, let me show you our Paris Collection." "(BLACKADDER):" "Baldrick is wearing a sheep's bladder jacket, with matching dung ball accessories, hair by crazy Meg of Bedlam Hair." "Notice how the overpowering aroma of rotting pilchards has been woven cunningly into the ensemble." "When did you last change your trousers?" " I have never changed my trousers." " Thank you." "The ancient Greeks wrote of a terrible container in which all the evils of the world were trapped." "How prophetic they were." "All they got wrong was the name." "They called it "Pandora's Box", when, of course, they meant "Baldrick's Trousers"." "It certainly can get a bit whiffy, there's no doubt about that." "When the box was opened, the whole world turned to darkness because of Pandora's fatal curiosity." "I charge you now, Baldrick, for the good of all mankind, never allow curiosity to lead you to open your trousers." "Nothing of interest lies therein." "It is trousers exactly like these that you will have to wear if we are to pass safely into France." "Well, on second thoughts, I think I might give this whole thing a miss." "My tummy's playing up a bit." "Wish I could come, but just not poss with this tum." "I understand perfectly, sir." "Also, the chances of me scoring if I look and smell like him are zero." "That's true, sir." "We shall return presently to bid you farewell." "Mr B, I've been having second thoughts about this trip to France." "Looking and smelling like this there's not much chance of me scoring, either." " Well, Blackadder, this is it." " Yes, sir." "If I don't make it back, please write to my mother and tell her that I've been alive all the time, it's just that I couldn't be bothered to get in touch with the old bat." "Well, of course, it's the very least I could do." "We must leave at once." "The shadows lengthen and we have a long and arduous journey ahead of us." "Farewell, dear master and, dare I say, friend." "Farewell, brave liberator, and dare I say it, butler." " Right, stick the kettle on, Balders." " What, aren't we going to France?" "Of course not, it's incredibly dangerous there." " Well, how are you going to win your bet?" " By use of the large thing between my ears." "Oh, your nose." "No, Baldrick, my brain." "All we do is lie low here for a week, then go to Mrs Miggins', pick up any old French aristocrat, drag him through a puddle, take him to the ball, and claim our thousand guineas." " What if the Prince finds us here?" " He couldn't find his own fly buttons." "What a pair of trousers!" "I shall be the belle of the Embassy Ball." "Now, how to put them on?" "Blackadder!" "Oh, no, damn, he's gone to France." "Well, I'll do it myself, shouldn't be too difficult." "Well, Baldrick, what a very pleasant week." "We must do this more often." "Yes, I shall certainly choose revolutionary France for my holiday again next year." "Still, time to go to work." "Off to Mrs Miggins' to pick up any old French toff." "(CRASHING NOISES FROM UPSTAIRS)" "What do you think that is?" "If I was feeling malicious, I'd say it's the Prince still trying to put his trousers on after a week." "Damn!" "Ah, Mrs Miggins, I'd like a massive plate of pig's trotters, frog's legs and snail's ears, please, all drenched in your lovely Scarlet Pimpernel Sauce." " Not so hostile to the Frenchies now , Mr B." " I'd sooner be hostile to my own servant." "In fact, I came here specifically to meet lovely Frenchies." "Well, vive to that and an eclair for both of us!" "Vive, indeed." "Now, what I'm looking for is a particular kind of Frenchie, namely one who is transparently of noble blood but also short on cash." "I've got just the fellow for you, over there by the window, the Comte de Frou-Frou." "He's pretty down on his luck, and he's made that horse's willy last all morning." "We have struck garlic!" " Now you can have some lunch, Baldrick." " Thank you." "Le Comte de Frou-Frou, I believe." "Eh?" " Do you speak English?" " A little..." "What exactly do you mean?" "Can we talk or are we going to spend the rest of the afternoon asking each other the way to the beach in very loud voices?" "Ah, no." "I can order coffee, deal with waiters, make sexy chit-chat with girls, that type of thing." "Just don't ask me to take a physiology class or direct a light opera." "No, I won't." "Now, listen, Frou-Frou, would you like to earn some money?" "No, I wouldn't." "I would like other people to earn it and then give it to me, just like in France in the good old days." "This is a chance to return to the good old days." "Oh, how I would love that!" "I hate this life!" "The food is filthy!" "This huge sausage is very suspicious." "If I didn't know better, I'd say it was a horse's..." "Yes, yes, all right." "Now, listen." "The plan is this." "I have a bet on with someone that I can get a Frenchman out of Paris." "I want you to be that Frenchman." "All you have to do is come to the embassy with me, say that I rescued you, and then walk away with fifty guineas and all the vol-au-vents you can stuff in your pockets." " What do you say?" " It will be a pleasure." "If there's one thing we aristocrats enjoy, it's a fabulous party." "Oh, the music!" "Oh, the laughter!" "If only I'd brought my mongoose costume." "Yes, well, obviously it hasn't really got going yet." "I think that is a bit of an understatement, I've been at autopsies with more party atmosphere." "Don't worry!" "In a moment we will hear the sound of music and happy laughter." "(EVIL MANIACAL LAUGHTER)" " Bonsoir, monsieur." " Good evening, my man." " Do you speak English?" " A little." " Just take me to the Ambassador, then, will you?" " Pardon?" "I have rescued an aristocrat from the clutches of the evil revolutionaries." "Please take me to the Ambassador." "No, I won't." "I am an evil revolutionary and I have murdered the Ambassador and turned him into pâté." "Ah..." "And you, aristo-pig, are trapped." "Pig?" "Hah!" "You will regret your insolence, revolutionary dog." "Dog?" "Hah!" "You will regret your arrogance, royalist snake." " Snake?" "Hah!" " Sorry to interrupt this interesting discussion." "But this is really none of my business, so I think I'll be on my way." "Come on, Baldrick." "Not so fast, English!" "In rescuing this "boîte de stinkyweed"" "you have attempted to pervert revolutionary justice." "Do you know what they do to people who do that?" "They're given a little present and allowed to go free?" "They're smacked and told not to be naughty, but basically let off." "I think I know." "They're put in prison for the night and brutally guillotined in the morning." "Well done, Baldrick." "Your little gnome is correct, monsieur." "Gentlemen!" "Welcome to the last day of your life!" "How dare you, you filthy weasel." "Weasel?" "Hah!" "You're one to talk, aristo-warthog." " Warthog?" "Hah!" " Hah!" "Excuse me, Frou-Frou." "Look, mate, me old mate..." "We're both working class, we both hate these rich bastards." "Come on, me old mucker, just let me go, you've got nothing against me." "On the contrary." "I hate you English with your boring trousers and your shiny toilet paper and your ridiculous preconception that Frenchmen are great lovers." "I'm French and I'm hung like a baby carrot and a couple of petits pois." "Farewell, old mucker, and death to the aristos!" " Death to the aristos!" " (BLACKADDER):" "Shut up, mousebrain!" "Monsieur, why do you waste your words on this scum?" "Have no fear!" " The Scarlet Pimpernel will save us." " Hah!" "Some hope." "He's the most overrated human being since Judas Iscariot won the A.D. 31 Best Disciple Competition." "Well, if he should fail us, here, I have these suicide pills." "One for me, one for you, and one for the dwarf." " Say "thank you," Baldrick." " Thank you, Mr Frou." " Ah, the Pimpernel!" " (BALDRICK):" "Hurray!" "Ah, the Ambassador, hurray..." "Hmm, I've got nothing to do." "So I think I will torture... ..you, aristo-mongrel!" "Mongrel?" "Hah!" "I look forward to it, proletarian skunk!" "Skunk?" "Hah!" "We'll see about that, aristocratic happypotamus!" "(FROU-FROU):" "Happypotamus?" "Hah!" "We'll soon see who's the happypotamus." "I'm glad to say, I don't think you'll be needing those pills, Mr B." "Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words "I have a cunning plan"" "marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?" "They certainly are!" "Forgive me if I don't jump up and down with glee, your record is not exactly a hundred percent." " So, what's the plan?" " We do nothing." "Yep, that's another world-beater." "Wait, I haven't finished." "We do nothing until our heads have actually been cut off." " And then we spring into action?" " Exactly!" "You know how when you cut a chicken's head off, it runs round and round the farmyard?" "Yeah..." "Well, we wait until our heads have been cut off, then we run round and round the farmyard, out the farm gate and escape." " What do you think?" " My opinions are difficult to express in words." "Perhaps I can put it this way..." "It doesn't really matter, 'cause the Scarlet Pimpernel will save us, anyway." "No, he won't, Baldrick." "Either I think up an idea, or tomorrow we die, which, Baldrick, I have no intention of doing, because I want to be young and wild, and then I want to be middle-aged and rich," "and then I want to be old and annoy people by pretending that I'm deaf." "Just be quiet and let me think." " (BALDRICK):" "I can't sleep, Mr Blackadder." " (BLACKADDER):" "I said "Shut up"!" "I'm so excited to think that the Scarlet Pimpernel will be here at any moment." "I wish you'd forget this ridiculous fantasy." "Even if he did turn up, the guards would be woken by the scraping noise as he tried to squeeze his massive swollen head through the door." " I couldn't sleep when I was little." " You still are little, Baldrick." "Yeah, well, when I was even littler, see, we used to live in this haunted hovel." "Every night, my family were troubled by a visitation from this disgusting ghoul." "It was terrible." "First there was this unholy smell, then this tiny, clammy, hairy creature would materialise in the bed between them." "Fortunately, I could never see it myself." "Tell me, Baldrick, when you left home, did this repulsive entity mysteriously disappear?" " That very day." " I think then, that the mystery is solved." "Now shut up." "Either I think up an idea, or tomorrow we meet our maker." "In my case, God." "In your case, God knows, but I'd be surprised if he's won any design awards." " (BLACKADDER):" "I thought of a plan!" " (BALDRICK):" "Hurray!" "(BLACKADDER):" "Also, I thought of a way to get you to sleep." "(LOUD THUMP) (BALDRICK):" "Ow!" "Morning, scum." "Did we sleep well?" "Like a tot, thank you." "But, by jiminy, you must be feeling thirsty after your long night's brutality." " Drink?" " Non, merci, not while I'm on duty." "Perhaps later." "For you, monsieur, there is no later." "Because gentlemen, I am proud to introduce France's most vicious woman, unexpectedly arrived from Paris this morning." "Please welcome Madame Guillotine herself!" "(MADAME GUILLOTINE LAUGHS GLEEFULLY)" " Are these the English pigs?" " Yes, that's us." "Leave them with me, Monsieur Ambssssdeur." "I intend to torture them in a manner so unbearably gruesome, even you will not be able to stand it!" " I don't think I will have a problem, madame." " You will be sick." " I'll leave if I'm feeling queasy." " You will be sick immediately." "What if I am sick quietly, in a bag?" "I mean, what is in your mind?" "(INAUDIBLE WHISPERING)" "So!" "Scum!" "Prepare to be in pain!" "Yes, certainly." "But first, perhaps, a toast to your beauty." "Oh, thank you." "OK." "Cheers." "I expect you were expecting to be rescued, huh?" "!" "Some bloody hope... (GUILLOTINE, NOW WITH A MALE VOICE):" "On the contrary!" "I'm just sorry I'm so late." " Gentlemen, I have come to take you to freedom!" " Hurray!" "My God!" "Smedley!" "But I thought you were an absolute fathead." "No, just a damn fine actor!" "Thank God I got here before you took any of those awful suicide pills!" "I suppose, if someone had taken one and wished he hadn't, he'd be able to do something about it." "No, no, they're very odd things, you see." "The symptoms are most peculiar." "First of all, the victims become very, very depressed." "Oh, God!" "This whole revolution is so depressing, I mean, sometimes I wonder why I bother." " I'm so lonely, and nobody loves me..." " And after the depression comes death?" "No, after the depression comes the loss of temper, you stuck-up bastard!" "What are you staring at?" "!" "And after the temper comes death?" "No!" "After the temper comes the, er..." " Er, yes, that's it." "Er, comes the, er..." " Forgetfulness." "Yes, yes." "Right in the middle of a thingy... ..you completely forget what it was you..." "Oh, nice pair of shoes!" " And after the forgetfulness, you die?" " Oh, no!" "I forgot one!" "After the forgetfulness comes a moment of exquisite happiness!" "Jumping up and down, and waving your arms in the air, and knowing that in a minute we're all going to be free!" "Free!" "Free!" " And then death?" " No, you jump into a corner first." " Hurray!" "It's the Scarlet Pimpernel!" " Yes, Baldrick." " And you killed him!" " Yes, Baldrick." "What's the bloody point of being the Scarlet Pimpernel if you're going to fall for the old poisoned cup routine?" "Scarlet Pimpernel, my foot." "Scarlet Git, more like it." " Wait!" "Here's our chance to escape!" " But what about Mr Frou?" "Forget Frou-Frou." "I wouldn't pick my nose to save his life." "Ah, Frou-Frou, my old friend and comrade, what are you doing here?" " I escaped!" "What happened here?" " Oh, er, nothing, nothing." "I thought for a moment the Scarlet Pimpernel had saved you." "(THEY LAUGH UNEASILY)" "Ah, chaps, good to see you." "Just trying on the new trousers." "I return, sir, as promised, plus one toff French aristocrat fresh from the Bastille." "Pleased to meet you, monsieur." "Do sit down." "Damn sorry about the revolution, most awfully bad luck." "Blackadder, how the devil did you get him out?" "It's an extraordinary tale of courage and heroism which I blush from telling myself, but seeing as there's no one else..." "I could try." "We left England in good weather, but that was as far as our luck held." "In the middle of Dover harbour, we were struck by a tidal wave." "I was forced to swim to Boulogne with the unconscious Baldrick tucked into my trousers." "Then, we were taken to Paris, where I was summarily tried and condemned to death, and then hung by the larger of my testicles from the walls of the Bastille." "It was then that I decided I had had enough." "Bravo!" "I rescued the Count, killed the guards, jumped the moat, ran to Versailles where I climbed into Mr Robespierre's bedroom, leaving him a small tray of milk chocolates and an insulting note." "The rest was easy." "That is an incredible story, worthy of the Scarlet Pimpernel himself." "I wouldn't know." "I, on the other hand, would." "Because, you see, sir..." "..I am the Scarlet Pimpernel." " Uh oh..." " (BALDRICK):" "Hurray!" " Good Lord!" "Topper!" " Yes, Your Highness." "By egads and by jingo with dumplings, steak and kidneys, and a good solid helping of sprouts," "I can't believe it!" "You're the fellow who single-handedly saved all those Frenchies?" "Not quite single-handedly, sir." "I operated with the help of my friend, Smedley, but he seems to have disappeared for the moment, slightly mysteriously." " Shut up, Baldrick." " Yes, Mr Blackadder." "So Blackadder rescued the Scarlet Pimpernel." "No, sir, he did not." "Prepare yourself for a story of dishonour and deceit that will make your stomach turn." "This is interesting, isn't it, Blackadder?" "Not only that, but I trust it will lead to the imprisonment of a man who is a liar, a bounder, and a cad." "Well, bravo, because we hate liars, bounders and cads, don't we, Blackadder?" "Generally speaking, yes, sir." "But perhaps before Lord Topper starts to talk, he might like a glass of wine." " He's looking a little shaken." " Shaken, but not stirred." "It all began last week." "I was sitting in Mrs Miggins' coffee shop when..." "Oh, God!" "All this treachery is so depressing." "I mean, the whole thing just makes you incredibly angry!" "And it just makes you want to..." "Oh, that's a nice waistcoat, Your Majesty." "I'm sorry, I've completely forgotten what I was talking about." "A story of dishonour and deceit..." "That's a great story!" "That's great!" "Oh, that's a wonderful story!" "Let me just jump into the corner first." "Roast my raisins!" "He's popped it!" "Do you think he really was the Scarlet Pimpernel?" "Well, judging from the ridiculous ostentatiousness of his death, I would say that he was." "Well, that's a damn shame, because I wanted to give him this enormous postal order." "Please, sir, let me finish." "I would say that he was...n't ." "You see, the Scarlet Pimpernel would never ever reveal his identity." "That's his great secret." "So what you're actually looking for is someone who has, say, just been to France and rescued an aristocrat, but when asked, "Are you the Scarlet Pimpernel?", he replies, "Absolutely not"." "But, wait a minute!" "Blackadder, you've just been to France, and you've rescued a French aristocrat." "Blackadder, are you the Scarlet Pimpernel?" "Absolutely not, sir." "Hurray!"