"I got your memo yesterday for a sick-and-tired leave." "Yeah?" "If you wanna take a couple of days off, that's fine with me." "Just... you don't have to be so dramatic." " Dr. Katz?" " Yeah." "Can I take a couple of days off?" "What are you?" "Nuts?" "No, it's actually..." "Just pencil it into my..." "What is this over here in the book?" "Dr. Katz, Sharon Meyers called." "Sharon Meyers?" "Is this a joke?" "If it's a joke, it's not funny, and if she called, it's really not funny." "I thought that she understood that this relationship was not working out, that she would have to see another therapist." "Well, I don't know." "Did she call for an appointment, or did she call just to say hi?" " Yes." "She wanted to set up an appointment." "Let me put together a list of referrals and see if there's somebody who I think would be a good match for her, because..." "Doesn't she have an "x" next to her name in the patient file?" "Yeah, but that "x" is silent." "I should call her back just to..." "What does that mean?" "Well, in this particular case, it means that..." "Extra crazy?" "No, keep going." "Excommunicated?" "Well, it's kinda like that, because there was just too much going on there for either of us to handle." "Well, what do you mean?" "Well, Laura, you see me as a therapist and as your employer, but I am also a man and..." "Dr. Katz, you're..." "It's just that Sharon was drawn to me in a way that made both of us uncomfortable and therapy impossible, and what complicated this thing further was that I found her incredibly attractive." "Dr. Katz, you shouldn't be telling me this." "You shouldn't be listening." "You worked as a substitute teacher for a while?" "Oh, yeah, New York City." "Yeah, that must have been rough." "That's a crazy job." "First of all, they call you up at 6:00 in the morning." "They wake you up, then they ask you if you'd like to come in to work, and you're allowed to say no." "My first year of teaching I made $72.14." "I had to work that one day to show my dedication to the children." "Did my voice just crack then?" " Nope." " Good." "'Cause sometimes I get misty thinking about the kids." "I tell you, you never stop hearing from your college once you graduate." "They track you down wherever you go." "Sure, well, now with the Internet." "I gotta a call recently... "Hey, Todd." "This is the university of Florida calling." "We're putting together an alumni directory." "What do you do for a living now?"" "I told 'em I'm a child pornographer." "They were so disappointed, they stopped calling for two days." "♫ Do do do do do ♫ you ever go out to eat in a big city, like New York or Boston or any other big city?" "You get a little leftover food, what do you do with it?" "I'll tell ya..." "Give it to a homeless person." "Then you feel like a hero for the whole night." "Guy comes up to you, he's like," ""Hey, can you spare some change for some food?" "Change for some food?" "Tonight is your lucky night, pal." "We are skipping the middle man tonight." "Honey, hand me the bag." "Sir, look what I got for you:" "Two ice-cold, leftover chicken wings."" "Hi, it's me, Bobby Slayton, here to see Dr. Katz." "Remember me?" "Bobby Slayton?" "No, not really." "He'll be with you in five minutes." "All right, I gotta work on my voice exercises." "Could you wait outside the door, please?" "You see, the thing is is that if Dr. Katz is gonna understand me," "I have to slow down." "I'm also seeing a speech therapist who tells me that I've gotta go, "Hum, um, um, mum."" "Hum, um, um, hum." "Eee, eee."" "Am I bothering you?" "Yes." "All right." "My wife says to me, "You gotta go see a shrink."" "She's always saying to me" "I gotta be sensitive to her needs." "And women always say, "Tell me the truth." "Tell me what you're feeling." "Let me know what's on your mind."" "And every time I do that," "I just get myself in more trouble, every time!" "Like, the other day, she tries on a pair of pants, and says, "Does this make me look fat?"" ""No, your fat butt makes you look fat." "Why are you blaming it on the pants?"" ""It's the fork and the refrigerator and your mouth." "It's nothing to do with the pants."" "She's always telling me how angry I am." "You're telling me how angry I am." "Of course I'm angry!" "All these morons out there." "People think Roger Moore's a better James Bond than Sean Connery." "Of course I'm angry." "Hey, dad." "Hey, Ben... you know what?" "Can you call me back in a couple of minutes?" "I can't tie up this line right now." "I'm expecting an important call." "All right, fine." "Hello?" "Hi, dad." "Ben, please, I asked you not to tie this line up." "I know this is annoying, but..." "Okay, Ben, I've gotta keep this line open." "I didn't mean to interrupt." "I wanna keep this line open for a patient." "Is she good-looking?" "You betcha." "Pretty woman?" "Well, yes, as a matter of fact..." "A very pretty woman?" "Yes!" "A very, very pretty woman?" "Yes, Ben, she's very, very pretty." "A movie star?" "No." "All right, that was a bad guess." "Let me start over." "A pretty woman?" "Ben, I really have to go." "Don't torture me like this." "I haven't seen you in four weeks, and I just think it ruins the continuity a little bit, and it's because I haven't been..." "I've been busy, and it's hard to reschedule." "Well, y'know, we've tried to accommodate you." "I know, I know, it's just that..." "Something that I should tell you is that when I call and I talk to your secretary..." "Laura." "Laura..." "She can be very, um..." "What's the word... curt." "It's just a little irritating, which is why it would be nice if..." " What's her name?" "Laura?" " Laura." "Laura would be a little bit more responsive and a little less curt." "Yeah, that would be nice." "Dr. Katz's office." "Hey, Laura, how you doing?" "Fine." "What's... you sitting?" " Yup." " Me, too!" "What a coincidence." "Are you working, too?" "Well, I'm... y'know, I'm doing some paperwork." "Mmm..." "Well, it's just... the point is is that now it's been... what?" "Five weeks or so..." "I can't even keep track..." "And before that, it was like we're catching it, like, as catch can." "We're actually gonna have to stop now, because our time is just about up." "Well, let's at least try to schedule for next week." "Okay, okay, so I'm looking in my book, and what is good for you?" "I got... shoot." "Thursday:" "my son's playing soccer." "I can't..." "I've missed almost all his soccer games." "I mean, this is something we've discussed about how to be a good parent." "So I'm not gonna be able to come in on Thursday." "Can you do Thursday morning?" "I'm just making a note here to talk about parenting issues." "Well, how about Thursday morning?" "Thursday morning doesn't work for me." "So, Laura, can I ask you a question?" "Sure." "I assume you know a lot about my father's patients." "Yeah." "'Cause you have access to all the files." "Are you sworn to confidentiality, or it's just him?" "I've never actually been officially sworn." "So you go around and tell everybody." "That's a lot of power." "I guess so." "But a lot of these people are here because no one else is interested." "Friday..." "Can you do, like, 7:30?" "Could you get in a little early?" "I can't do that, I can't do Friday." "Over the weekend?" "I'm gonna be here during the weekend." "I hate to do that, 'cause it's when I spend time with the kids, but..." "I also have a life, Alan." "Yeah, I understand." "You know what would be great is if you can leave a couple of painful memories on my voice mail." "It's so hard for us to connect physically." "Maybe this is the way we need to work." "Recurring dreams, any kind of medication you're taking." "If you could leave that stuff on my voice mail, at least when we do get together," "I'll have a running start." "I just called to say that" "I changed my mind about the movies." "I think we should go tonight." "I don't think we should see just one." "I think we should go and we should do that thing where we stay in the theater for a while." "See, as it turns out, maybe tonight is not such a good night." "Well, why not?" "You were the guy who asked." "Things are starting to happen around the office, and I may have to work late tonight." "What do you mean?" "Hey, there's a double feature right down the block, which we could see tomorrow night." "It's just that, dad, you were the one who made the plans about the movies." "Now you're retracting the offer." "I think you're doing it just 'cause I said no, and you know better than to act like a baby." "This..." "I'm not being vindictive here, Ben." "What do you have?" "A date?" "No, it's not a date." "In fact, it's quite the opposite." "What... you have to work late?" "It's kind of work..." "What do you mean, "kind of like work"?" "I don't know if you remember a couple of years ago... nah." "I do remember..." "I mean, well, I have pictures." "So it's kinda work, but it's kind of a date." "Is that it?" "No, it's not a date." "Do you remember a couple of years ago," "I told you about a patient?" "She was a dancer..." "Right, she was a... right." "And I was treating her for maybe six, ten months." "She was very attractive." "Well, if you believe the pictures that I have plastered all over our house." "No, she is a very attractive woman, and that became an issue in my treating her." "You mean her looks?" "Yeah, it just became too distracting for me and..." "Yeah, well..." "And my looks became a little too diverting for her." "When looks clash like that..." "Yeah." "So she called me, and I'm just waiting for her to..." "Dad, this was a woman you were attracted to, it's probably not a good idea to..." "Well, I just wanna remind her of why we stopped seeing each other." "That's all I'm planning to do." "It just may take a few hours." "What kind of reminder is that?" "I'm gonna hand-deliver the reminder to her, I think, against my better judgment." "It's probably not a good idea, huh, dad?" "Didn't I just say that?" "I think that maybe if you give up your license, tonight's the night!" " Y'know?" " Yeah." "All I'm saying is, y'know, the job ain't worth it..." "Well, that's..." "She was a rockette." "You don't pass up that opportunity." "I mean, that means she can kick her own face with her own leg." "That's amazing." "Have you made any progress on the marital front?" "It seemed to me like..." "It's like I said to my wife the other night..." "She wants to be more romantic, and I'm thinking, "I don't know what you wanna do."" "We've tried candlelight dinners, and it's hard for me, 'cause I can't see the food." "I tell her, "Put on the TV..." "Get some light over here."" "She wants to take a bath together." "She lights candles around the bathtub." "It's like a sacrifice." "One night, we take a shower together, and it seems to me that women always like taking a shower together, 'cause they're the ones under the hot water." "I'm standing there all shriveled up with soap in my face, I got shampoo in my eyes..." ""Yeah, this is great, honey." Well, that's a..." "I'd like to continue..." "I have no more feeling in my jaw." "You have a self-inflicted speech impediment." "Sometimes my brain is faster than my mouth." "Just can't keep up, man." "As long as they meet back at the house at the end of the day." "Yeah, okay." "I think part of your..." "Charm?" "I was gonna say "dilemma."" " Can we come back to the charm?" " Sure." "I think part of your dilemma is that you speak so fast, unlike myself, that you find yourself with all this..." "With a few hours at the end of the day which you don't know what to do." "Um, it's sorta like..." "Yeah, it's kinda like that." "There's an exercise we can do which might help you decelerate your speech." "Really?" "Yeah, it's called "slow talking."" "I was gonna go out and see a double feature with my dad tonight, but he canceled on me." "Oh, wow, that's really sad." "So do you like the motion pictures?" "Sure." "Me, too." "Did you ever go to the movies and eat a whole jumbo pack of Junior Mints?" "No." "Oh, god..." "It's a good feeling." "Yeah?" "It's total freedom." "Well, good morning, dad." "What are you talking about, "Good morning"?" "It's only..." "I know, it's 11, but isn't that what you'd say when you're angry?" ""Good morning."" ""Well, look who's here... good morning."" "You mean like "good gracious"?" ""Goodness gracious" or something?" "You shut your mouth and you go to your room." "It's 11:00... it's pretty late." "Yeah, I should have called." "Y'know, I got..." "It would have been nice." "There's phones everywhere." "So did you hook up with that woman tonight or what?" "We went for a drink, and I just needed to remind myself and her that there was a good reason for us not to pursue the patient..." "What's the procedure I go by to press charges?" "How do i... do I fill out a form, or do I call the police now or..." "What do I do?" "Just bring me downtown." "I'm gonna make a citizen's arrest." "I'll get the rope." "Okay... you don't need rope." "Ben... wait, wait, Ben, Ben, Ben." "Easy, easy, easy." "What... hey, hey, don't manhandle me, Ben!" "I'm still a person!" "Hey, hey!" "I still have some rights!" "Hey, shut up, all right?" "I'll do the talking here." "You just keep your hands behind your back." "Dad, if I'm gonna make a citizen's arrest, you could put up a fight." "I'll give you a head start." "Okay, go." "Ugh, forget it." "See that's the thing, is you're too lazy to arrest your own father." "I'm more like a detective." "I let the uniforms do the job, the chasing." "But I don't think I did anything illegal or immoral." "In fact, I don't like to honk my own horn." "Would you come over here and honk this thing for me?" "It's just common knowledge that you've gotta draw the line there." "You're not supposed to be seeing your patients on a social basis." "That's what I did tonight:" "I drew the line." "I just..." "We met for a drink." "But isn't that officially crossing the line, if you meet your..." "Well, she's not a patient that I'm treating now." "I just was reminding her why..." "Yeah, but, dad, you gotta know that you have a lot of..." "You probably still have a lot of power over this woman." "No, I don't think this is an abuse of my power, to meet an ex-patient for a drink." "Did you mess with her head?" "A little bit." "Great." "You gotta occasionally cross the line just to know it's there, you know?" "Well, you're kidding, but I think there's something to that." "You gotta test the waters." "You're kidding again, but I think there's something to that." "You gotta put the baby before the bathwater?" "Is that it?" "You can't throw out the baby with the bathwater." "You can't throw out the baby with the bathwater." "And even if you could, where would you put it?" "Yeah." "What about Tuesday?" "Tuesday at 2:00?" "Tuesday at 2:00..." "Hang on one second." "Hey, Laura, can you switch Mrs. Kowalski?" "See if you can get her on the phone, if she can switch Tuesday at 2:00 to later that day or earlier that day." "That would be great." "And just pencil in Mr. Franken for me." "Okay, let's move on." "I understand what it is that you're upset about, but let's move on." "Okay, it's just that, you know," "I'm not making much progress in here." "I really am not, because..." "You know what..." "I feel like we're making progress." "Even though this is what we're focusing on," "I feel like this is some kind of progress." "I don't." "Am I hearing anger in your voice?" "Do you feel that I've done something that's unkind or not..." "No, it's..." "I..." "You're certainly allowed to be angry at me." "There's nothing that you can't..." "Well, then I'm angry at you." "Okay... how come?" "Because of the..." "I can't get in here!" "I can't..." "Whenever I have to change my schedule and I call, it's frustrating." "I gotta deal with, uh..." "What's her name?" " Laura." " Laura!" "And every time I need to change the schedule, we go through this thing, where it's four or five different times." "I pencil them in." "You can't make it, I gotta hear a voice mail." "Okay, what are you really mad at?" "This..." "I think this is what I'm angry at." "You think I'm angry at something else?" "Well, I think this is a very easy target for your anger." "It's good that you're displaying this anger." "This is a good thing." "But I feel like, still, it's not about scheduling, it's about... see, I think that you, in some way, want my approval." "No, I don't..." "I think I used to care about your approval, but now that I've gotten to know you, I don't care." "Uh, I actually think it's a good thing that you're not looking for my approval." "I think that's a healthy thing." "Well, I'm not." "I approve." "Prostitution's still a crime..." "That's kinda weird, huh?" "It's so out front." "They advertise in the yellow pages, they do." "Look in the yellow pages, you see ads for escort services, massage parlors, and they have slogans just like any other business." "I saw one that said, "We give the best service." "No hidden charges."" "What kind of hidden charges are you gonna get from a prostitute?" "A guy's gonna get his bill..." ""All right, $100 for sex, $50 for rust proofing?" "Whoa, sunshine, can you come here a second?"" "New York City is a sick place, man." "You know what I saw there recently?" "I saw a guy masturbating at an automatic-teller machine." "Yeah, I was grossed out too, at first." "But then I realized, hey, there have been times I've checked my balance, and I find, wow," "I've got a little more money than I thought." "And you wanna celebrate." "Just take a couple of deep breaths, count to ten, and move that party to a different location." "I just walked into my friend's tiny, new apartment." "He's got his bed on a loft 400 feet in the air." "That's gotta feel great being a 35-year-old bank vice president who's still climbing a ladder to get into bed at night." "He's all proud." "He's like, "Hey, man, look what I did!" "I lofted my bed, I put my desk underneath!"" ""Wow, this is a mansion." "This is like the Taj Mahal." "I got an idea for you." "Why don't you loft the desk also?"" "He's like, "I will loft the desk." "You know what..." "I'm gonna loft the cat also."" "You ever have sex in one of these loft beds?" "Yeah... no." "I almost did." "By the time we got to the top, she said, "My judgment is no longer impaired." "Suddenly, I'm not into this."" "I said, "That's all right, baby, 'cause I got a nose bleed."" "Right." "I sleep on a futon myself." "These things are horrible." "What is the selling point behind a futon?" ""Well, in the daytime, it's an uncomfortable couch, and at night, it becomes even more uncomfortable bed."" ""Wow, both those things in one unit, huh?" "Wrap that baby up."" ""Roll that baby up."" "Whoops... you know what the music means." ""Fold that baby up."" "Our time is up."