"Thank you." "All right, good night." "Thank you, thank you very much indeed." "My name is Eric Idle." "And if you think you're here to see Billy Idol you can bugger off now, okay?" "Tonight we celebrate the Ruby Jubilee of Monty Python." "That's right, we're celebrating 400 years of some of these jokes." "And tonight we have for you a premiere." "We have this fantastic band from the BBC." "And tonight they're under the baton of a wonderful man a great partner of mine, a great composer and a great friend, John Du Prez." "Now, tonight there will be one or two surprise guests so if you spot them, please act surprised, okay?" "And respond accordingly." "But first will you welcome, please, our soloists for tonight Christopher Purves, Shannon Mercer William Ferguson and Rosalind Plowright." "And in order to start the oratorio will you please welcome somebody very special indeed who's playing the narrator tonight, Mrs. Betty Palin." "Why do they titter so?" "You know, I'd never heard of Monty Python until one day in 1 940." "It was early in the war and things were going very badly for our boys." "There was a shortage of lipstick and many of the men had to share nylons." "In a small hotel near Henley where l'd gone for a weekend with a rear admiral I found a book that was to change my life and eventually my sex." "In 1942, after a brief naval operation I became a woman and moved to Canada to become a lumberjack." "And then on to Alaska to give birth to a governor but that's another story." "The book I found was by someone called Monty Python." "And it was called:" "The Book of Brian." "The Book of Brian" "From The Book of Brian" "And at that time" "There shall be chaos" "Chaos" "Chaos" "Chaos" "Chaos, chaos, chaos, chaos Chaos, chaos, chaos, chaos" "Chaos" "And confusion" "Confusion" "Confusion" "Confusion" "Chaos, chaos, chaos, chaos" "Chaos, chaos, chaos and confusion" "Chaos and confusion" "Chaos and confusion" "Chaos, chaos, chaos, chaos" "Chaos, chaos, chaos and confusion" "And irritation" "Oh, damn, damn, damn, damn Damn, damn, damn, damn" "Damn, damn, damn, damn Damn, damn, damn, damnation" "Damnation" "Damnation" "Damnation" "Damnation" "Chaos and confusion" "Chaos and confusion" "Chaos and damnation" "Chaos and damnation" "Chaos, chaos, chaos, chaos" "Chaos, chaos, chaos and confusion" "Chaos, chaos, chaos, chaos" "Chaos, chaos, chaos and damnation" "And disagreement" "l don't agree -l disagree" "You're telling me -l don't agree" "You don't agree with me?" "Oh, no -l don't agree with all of you" "And so, what's that supposed to mean?" "Don't know" "l disagree" "You're telling me you don't agree I disagree with all of you" "l'm right" "You're wrong" "l'm right" "You're wrong" "l'm right" "You're wrong I'm right, you're wrong" "l don't agree -l disagree" "You're telling me -l don't agree" "Don't agree with me?" "Oh, no I disagree with all of you" "And so, what's that supposed to mean?" "Don't know -l disagree" "You're telling me you don't agree" "Oh, get lost!" "Shut up!" "There was a general feeling That the end of the world was nigh" "There shall be monsters" "There shall be monsters" "There shall be monsters" "With swollen bellies and great big lips" "And the beast shall have six heads" "And will run about the streets" "On 1 2 legs shouting " Fire!"" "On 1 2 legs shouting " Fire!"" "On 1 2 legs shouting " Fire!"" "In crowded places" "There shall be monsters" "There shall be monsters" "There shall be monsters" "With swollen bellies and great big lips" "And the beast shall have six heads" "And the beast shall have six heads" "And will run about the streets" "And will run about the streets" "On 1 2 legs shouting " Fire!"" "Fire, fire, fire, fire" "On 1 2 legs shouting " Fire!"" "Fire, fire, fire, fire" "On 1 2 legs shouting " Fire!"" "Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire ln crowded places" "And a 1 6-breasted Gorgon" "And a 1 6-breasted Gorgon" "Shall squat on a pole" "Shall squat on a pole" "Singing in French" "And some will say this is crap" "And religion is a trap" "And instead of reading prophecies" "You'd far better take a nap" "But other people" "Will be sore afraid" "Other people" "Will be sore afraid" "Other people" "Will be sore afraid" "And cry out" "Unto their Lord" "O God, you are so big" "You are so very huge" "My word" "What a size you are" "And we are tiny in thy sight" "So very small and very grotty" "And smelly and stupid" "And cheesy and spotty" "You are so big" "You are so big" "We are so small" "We are so small" "You are so huge" "You are so huge" "We are so tiny" "We are so tiny" "You are so big" "And we are naughty ln thy sight" "O God, you are so big" "You are so very huge" "My word" "What a size you are" "And we are tiny in thy sight" "So very small and very grotty" "And smelly and stupid" "And cheesy and spotty" "You are so big" "You are so big" "We are so small" "We are so small" "You are so huge" "You are so huge" "We are so tiny" "We are so tiny" "You are so big" "And we are naughty" "ln -ln" "Thy sight" "The evangelist Monty tells of the rather less than immaculate conception of Brian." "There was a young woman Called Mandy" "A friend of the Lord's" "Who sold gourds in a stall" "Oh, who will buy my pretty gourds?" "Round and small" "Five shekels for them all" "Along came a Roman centurion" "Nice gourds" "Said he" "Mind if I touch 'em?" "Dream on" "Said she" "No one gets to touch my gourds" "Till I see" "The rewards for me" "Nothing is free" "Well" "He promised me Half the then-known world" "Asses' milk" "To bathe in every day" "All the gold that I could eat" "A house in Rome" "Right on the Appian Way" "Soon he had his way with her" "Proved he was a man" "But like a rat out of an aqueduct" "When he was done, he ran" "Mandy was abandoned" "All alone" "Where was she to go?" "Oh, woe, woe, woe" "Woe, woe, woe, woe" "Woe, woe, woe" "Woe, woe, woe" "Woe, woe, woe" "Woe, woe, woe" "Woe, woe, woe" "Woe, woe, woe, woe" "Woe, woe, woe" "Woe, woe, woe" "Woe, woe, woe" "Woe, woe, woe" "Alone, abandoned, and worse" "Six weeks without the curse" "Such rotten luck" "She was knocked up" "Woe, oh, woe, oh, woe" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa" "Alone without a husband" "What's to become of me?" "Not a lot" "Where can I turn?" "And what can I do?" "What chance for my progeny?" "None whatever ln an utterly male-dominated world ln a Middle East society" "A woman who is not married at all" "What kind of chance has she?" "Not a snowball's chance in hell" "The time drew nigh" "Nigh, nigh, nigh, nigh, nigh, nigh" "For now there is really no doubt" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no" "That she was clearly great with child" "And really not bad without" "Know what I mean Say no more" "Nudge, nudge" "Bethlehem in Judea." "Nought BC." "And there were shepherds Abiding in the fields" "Keeping watch o'er their flocks By night" "And there were shepherds Abiding in the fields" "Keeping watch o'er their flocks By night" "Oh, we are humble shepherds And our flocks we keep" "There's nothing we like better Than just watching sheep" "We count them every day and night Until we fall asleep" "And then we count them once again 'Cause we love sheep" "Sheep, sheep, sheep, sheep Sheep, sheep, sheep" "Sheep, sheep, sheep, sheep Sheep, sheep, sheep" "They're full of woolly thinking intellectually not deep" "But never mind their minds We finds" "We all love sheep" "I wouldn't watch a flock of birds Peep peep peep" "And watching flocks of cats Would just make my skin creep" "And watching bloody camels ls enough to make you weep" "They gives us all the hump Because we all love sheep" "Sheep, sheep, sheep, sheep Sheep, sheep, sheep" "Sheep, sheep, sheep, sheep Sheep, sheep, sheep" "They're nicer than a wife And they are certainly more cheap" "And you can eat them afterwards And get some sleep" "We all love sheep" "is it A.D. yet?" "About a quarter to." "Look, in the sky over Bethlehem!" "Jesus Christ!" "No, next door." "Oh, Mrs. Cohen's." "Oh, blimey, it's a boy." "He was born in a stable" "ln a far distant land" "Amen, brother." "He was born on a table" "The only thing handy" "To a woman named Mandy" "This man we call Brian" "He was not the chosen one" "Not the hero of his race" "Just the wrong man at the wrong time ln the wrong place" "He was not the chosen one" "Not the hero of his race" "Just the wrong man at the wrong time ln the wrong place" "This man that we call" "Brian" "Brian" "Brian" "And the young boy Brian Grew to be a man ln all the usual places" "And dreamed of doing Very naughty things" "To girls with lovely faces I dreamed that girls Wearing only underwear" "Undressed me and caressed me" "They rubbed me and scrubbed me And tubbed me in warm oil" "And on my body they pressed me" "And his mother said:" "Brian, leave it alone" "And stop this sighing and moaning" "Take those naughty scrolls And throw them on the coals" "Or we'll be late for the stoning I am not coming with you, Mother dear" "Stoning is so depressing I have something that I want to say" "That you may find distressing I want to change the world" "To set my people free" "Suddenly I can see" "What was meant to be" "This is a promised land" "A place we can call home l foresee our destiny" "One day free from Rome" "Once we're free" "From Roman tyranny" "We can live quite happily ln Galilee" "And so let's change the world" "Let's make the whole world see" "We are freer ln Judea" "Than anyone could hope" "To be" "Freedom, freedom, freedom Freedom, now I'm free" "Freedom, freedom, freedom Now I'm free" "Just give me freedom, freedom" "That is all I need" "Hallelujah, now I'm free" "Freedom, freedom, freedom Freedom, now I'm free" "Freedom, freedom, freedom Now I'm free" "Just give me freedom, freedom" "That is all I need" "Hallelujah, now I'm free" "Just give me freedom" "Freedom, freedom" "Now I'm free" "l said freedom" "Freedom, freedom, now I'm free" "Just give me freedom, freedom" "That is all I need" "Hallelujah, now I'm free Oh, yeah" "Hallelujah, now I'm free" "Oh, yeah" "Sentimental claptrap." "What do you know of freedom?" "Freedom from the Romans." "That's a joke." "You are a Roman." "No, I'm not, I'm a Jew." "Your father was a Roman." "What?" "Mr. Cohen?" "No, not Mr. Cohen." "That's your cousin's brother." "Your real father was a Roman." "Oh, no." "Oh, woe, woe, woe." "Woe, woe, woe, woe" "Woe, woe, woe" "Woe, woe, woe" "Woe, woe, woe" "Woe, woe, woe" "Woe, woe, woe, woe" "Woe, woe, woe" "Woe, woe, woe" "Woe, woe, woe" "Shut up!" "I am struck dumb." "Dumb, dumb, dumb" "Doo waddy waddy dum Dum, dum, dum, dum" "Doo waddy waddy dum Dum, dum" "Shut up!" "I am going to avenge you, Mother." "Rome will rue the day they invaded you." "I shall seek out the enemies of Rome and join them." "The Romans are all bastards" "They have bled us till we're white" "They've taken everything we've got As if it was their right" "And we've got nothing in return" "Though they make so much fuss" "What have the Romans Ever done for us?" "What have the Romans What have the Romans" "What have the Romans Ever done for us?" "The aqueduct." "What?" "They gave us the aqueduct." "Oh, yes, they did give us that That's true" "And sanitation" "Yes, that too" "The aqueduct, I'll grant is one Thing the Romans may have done" "And the roads, now they're all new" "And the great wines too" "Well, apart from The wines and fermentation" "And the canals for navigation" "And public health for all the nation" "Apart from those, which are a plus" "What have the Romans Ever done for us?" "What have the Romans What have the Romans" "What have the Romans Ever done for us?" "The baths." "What?" "The public baths." "Oh, yes, Reg." "The public baths are a great delight" "And it's safe to walk ln the streets at night" "Cheese" "And medicine irrigation" "Roman law" "And education" "The circus for our delectation" "And the gladiation" "Well, apart from medicine, irrigation" "Health, roads, cheese and education" "Baths and the Circus Maximus" "What have the Romans Ever done for us?" "What have the Romans What have the Romans" "What have the Romans Ever done for us?" "Brought peace." "Oh, shut up!" "Are you the Judean People's Front?" "What?" "Judean People's Front we're not" "Nor the Popular Front of Judea" "Nor the People's Popular Front You silly bunt" "We're the People's Front of Judea" "Yes, we're the People's Front of Judea" "The Popular Front we're not" "Nor the People's Front, you clot" "For we're the People's Front of Judea" "Can I join you?" "Before you join us, Brian" "You should know There's not a single man" "Who would not willingly suffer death" "To rid this country of the Romans" "One." "Okay, yes, there's just one." "But we're the People's Front of Judea" "Yes, we're the People's Front of Judea" "The Popular Front we're not" "Nor the People's Front, you twat" "For we're the People's Front of Judea" "Hi, I'm Judith I'm from Judea I'm Brian." "l know." "Okay." "l joined because I wanted to be freer" "You too?" "If there's anything I can do I'll be happy to help you" "Oh, good." "For we're the People's Front of Judea" "Right, Brian, you're in." "Now, then, new motion." "The People's Front of Judea firmly believes and states irrevocably for all time that it is the inalienable rights of every man" "Or woman." "Or woman, to rid himself" "Or herself." "Or herself." "Thank you, brother." "Or sister." "Or sister." "Where was I?" "Birthright." "Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man" "Or woman." "Why don't you shut up about women, Stan?" "Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg." "Why are you always talking about women, Stan?" "I want to be one." "What?" "I want to be a girl" "To make my dreams come true I want to see the world" "From a woman's point of view I want to wear high heels" "And put makeup on my face" "To wear a push-up bra" "And have panties made of lace" "Good grief." "l want to be a girl" "That's all I want to be I want to be a girl" "Dear me I want to be a girl" "Like every other lass" "To stress about my breast size" "And complain about my ass I want to shave my legs instead of just my beard" "At the end of every month I want to be extremely weird I want to be his girl" "That's all I want to be" "You want to be the girl" "For me?" "I want to find a guy" "Who I can run to see" "My fantasy who'll one day say" ""Stan, you're the man for me"" "I want to have a baby" "And feed it on fresh lox" "Where's the foetus to gestate?" "You're gonna keep it in a box?" "I want to be your girl" "A wife and mother too" "l want to be a girl like you -l want to be a girl like you I want a world that's new" "A world completely better" "From now on, please call me Loretta" "What the...?" "Supposing we say he can't have babies, not having a womb but he can have the right to have babies." "Open up!" "Who is it?" "The Roman Empire." "Quick, run for it." "Every man for himself." "So young Brian fled To the market square" "There were lots of preachers Teaching there" "And a burning Bush shall come out of a White House burning everything." "A friend shall lose his friend's hammer." "Blessed are the accountants, for they shall file tax returns." "There shall be monsters" "But over the rest of Judea, there'll be showers with scattered outbreaks of plague." "Here, is that Brian, one of the revolutionaries?" "No, I think he's just a preacher." "How blessed are the birds." "What?" "How blessed are the birds." "Are you the Messiah?" "No." "You are, aren't you?" "No." "No, I'm not." "You look like one." "Well" " Well, I'm not." "Hail Messiah!" "Hail Messiah!" "You are the Messiah." "And I should know, I've followed a few." "You're the one" "You're the one" "You're the one" "You've finally come along" "You're the one to show us Right from wrong" "You're the one" "You're the one" "You're the one I adore" "You're the one That we've been waiting for" "To cure the meek and heal the poor" "You're the one" "You're the one" "Like a rock in the dark" "Like a rock in the dark" "Like a candle in the middle of a park" "Like a candle in the middle of a park" "Like a cake" "Like a cake" "That's been left out in the rain" "That's been left out in the rain" "On a plain in Spain" "On a plain in Spain" "You're the one we're dreaming of" "You're the bright and shining Light of love" "Like a torch from up above" "You're the one" "You're the one" "You're the one" "There's no doubt" "You're the one we cannot live without" "You're the living proof, let's shout" "You're the one" "You're the one" "You're the one" "You're the one" "You're the one" "There's no doubt" "You're the one we cannot live without" "You're the living proof, let's shout" "You're the one" "You're the one" "You're the one" "You're the one" "Help me, please." "Please." "The story so far:" "Brian, a good Jewish boy, if you'll pardon the expression has discovered that his father was a Roman." "Shocked and torn, he has joined the Republicans a group of power-hungry, desperate people with no future." "Hiding from the Romans, he is mistaken by the mob for the Messiah and flees back to his place with Judith for a cup of tea and a good cry." "In his haste to escape the mob, Brian, like Cinderella drops the shoe." "Part Four:" "Baroque and Roll." "The chosen one has disappeared" "He has been taken up" "See where he has dropped a shoe" "A shoe?" "That must be some kind of clue" "Behold his shoe" "lt is a sign from God -lt is a sign from God" "Let us all now praise his shoe" "Let us all now praise his shoe" "Hail to the shoe" "Hail to the shoe" "Let us all now praise his shoe" "Raise up the shoe" "This shoe will show us what to do I must take issue with this shoe" "A shoe can't tell us what to do" "But if you follow it, then you Cannot be very far from him" "That's true" "We must take issue with this shoe" "A shoe can't tell us what to do" "But if you follow it, then you Cannot be very far from him lt's true" "This is the shoe lt's holy too" "See his little toes poke through" "Hail to the shoe lt's holy too" "See, his sole is shining through" "When he is walking down the street lf he's got one shoe on his feet" "Then we can very clearly spot" "Which one is him and which is not" "Yes, when he's walking down the street lf he's got one shoe on his feet" "Then we can very clearly spot" "Which one is him and which is not I don't believe in that shoe I think it's stupid, don't you?" "We think it's true" "Believe in the shoe" "Or else it will be death to you" "Kill him today" "Might as well anyway" "Unbelievers all must pay" "For he must die" "Yes, he must die" "Or we shall know" "The reason why" "And he must pay" "Yes, he must pay" "With his life for his heresy today" "For he must die" "Yes, he must die" "Or we shall know" "The reason why" "And he must pay" "Yes, he must pay" "With his life for his heresy today" "Hail to the shoe" "Death to those who" "Have different views" "Concerning his shoes" "Hail to the shoe" "Hail to the shoe" "Death to those who" "Death to those who" "Have different views" "Have different views" "Concerning his shoes" "And while we kill him" "Let us all pray" "Hail to the shoe" "And lo, Brian did go home with Judith and they did lie down together upon a mattress." "That was wonderful." "But enough opera." "Let's have some sex!" "Brian Cohen" "What the hell is going on?" "Oh, horror lt's my mother" "Who the heck is this?" "Mumsy, this is Judith" "What the hell's she doing here?" "Discussing revolution ln the dark?" "Open the window right now" "All right, Mummy" "Morning, saviour." "Hooray, the chosen one has woken" "Good morning, saviour" "Hail Messiah" "Brian, what the hell is going on?" "Let me explain, Mrs. Cohen" "Put some clothes on first" "Who are all these people?" "They have just popped by" "Popped by?" "More like swarmed by" "There's a multitude" "They think that I am the Messiah" "Hail Messiah" "Show us the Messiah" "He's not the Messiah" "He's a very naughty boy" "Who are you?" "I am his mother" "Hail to the mother of Brian" "Hail to Mandy, mother of Brian" "Are you a virgin?" "How dare you?" "She must be" "It's so hard being a mother." "He was such a lovely little boy." "When did he grow up?" "Where did the time go?" "One day he's playing around with his little dreidels and the next you find him in bed with a naked tart." "Oh, Brian." "Brian, what's to become of me?" "Don't worry, Mum." "We'll come and visit." "We will, Mrs. Cohen." "Honest." "It's all so sad" "When they grow up" "When he was young" "Sweet as can be" "My little boy" "He said to me:" ""When I grow up I'll set you free" "And we will live so happily"" "I was just 1 0" "How could I know what I'd do then?" "How things would go?" "Finding some girl" "And then leaving me" "O misery" "When they grow up" "And as for me" "Now I have grown I have found out" "What I should have known" "Everyone reaps what they have sown I too have found" "Someone of my own" "When we grow up" "As we must do" "And find that certain somebody who" "Makes us feel young" "Makes us feel free" "Then we grow up" "And live happily" "And as for me" "Now I have grown" "And I have found" "What I should have known" "Everyone reaps The seeds they have sown I too have found" "Someone of my own" "When we grow up" "As we must do" "And find that certain somebody who" "Makes me feel young" "Listens to me I've grown up, Mum" "Please set me free" "She makes me feel free" "Finally" "Who are you lot anyway?" "Let me tell you precisely who we are." "Oh, we come from The mountains and valleys" "We come from the armpits of Rome" "From the holes Where the coals all lie buried" "To the mountain's shining dome" "We are poor working men Who all need a" "New light in the darkness and gloam" "And we seek the promised leader" "Who will take us home" "Take us home" "Take us home" "And we seek the promised leader" "Who will take us home" "From the Red Sea to the Dead Sea" "To the golden streets of Rome" "From the deep dark holes Where they dig out the coals" "To the builders up on the dome" "From the working man in his hovel" "To the fisherman lost on the foam" "We all seek the promised leader" "Who will take us home" "Take us home" "Take us home" "Oh, we seek the promised leader" "Who will take us home" "Take us home" "Take us home" "Oh, we seek the promised leader" "Who will take us home" "Take us home" "Take us home" "Oh, we seek the promised leader" "Who will take us home" "All right, Brian, you can talk to them." "But just for a minute." "Now, listen, you have made a mistake I am not the Messiah" "But you look like one I am not the chosen one" "But we have chosen you" "Tell your people what we should do" "You should all piss off" "How shall we piss off, Lord?" "Don't follow people You are all individuals" "That's right, we're all individuals" "I'm not." "That's right, we're all individuals" "You must make up your own minds For yourselves" "That's right, we must make up Our own minds for ourselves" "Don't let anyone tell you what to do" "That's right, tell us more" "No, don't you see?" "You've got to think for yourselves" "Yes, we have to think for ourselves" "Tell us what we have to Think for ourselves" "No, nobody can tell you what to do" "Except you" "No, not even me" "Here, Brian, let me help you out with this." "They're just not getting this, okay?" "Better." "Hey, listen, people, listen to me" "This is what he's trying to say" "Each of you must Make up your own minds" "Have your different point of view" "Some people have And some will have" "But time has got you by the balls" "But you must to your own selves Be true" "For you're all individuals" "You don't know how bad Your fate can get" "Then one day you find You're played by Cate Blanchett" "So I'll take your hand Make up your mind" "Choose a healthy point of view" "Don't follow leaders Or parking meters" "They tell you all what you must do" "Well, some people preach you Others will teach you" "They don't know what I can do" "You must to your own selves Be true" "'Cause you're all individuals" "Yes, we'll do whatever you say" "Because we're...." "Brian!" "Judith." "Oh, thank heaven, it's you!" "Yes, Brian, it is." "So it was all a dream." "No, Brian, this is the dream." "You're still asleep." "Oh, no." "So, what's going to happen to me?" "Well, all you're doing is advocating peace, right?" "Right." "Well, then they'll probably just kill you." "What?" "But your ideas will live on." "Oh, great." "Well, I must go now." "Why?" "Because you're still asleep, and you're getting one of those" "Sorry." "When I was young I dreamed that life was always Here to stay" "When I was young" "Tomorrow seemed so very far away" "Now I've grown I've found that all my time has flown" "And one thing that I should have known" "Life is very short" "But there are always friends" "And there is always love to share" "So before" "Your journey ends" "Don't give in to despair" "Find your dream" "Before your dream can slip away" "Find your dream" "Tomorrow is another day" "You may not get a second chance" "For romance" "So before it's too late" "Don't hesitate Find your dream" "Find your dream" "Find your dream" "Life doesn't always Turn out right for you" "Life can be so hard" "Find your dream" "Find your dream" "ln every single thing you try to do" "No guarantee" "You'll find your reward" "You can be blind To what is really on your mind" "So before it's too late" "Don't hesitate Find your dream" "Find your dream" "Find your dream" "Find your dream" "Before your dream can slip away" "Slip away" "Find your dream" "Find your dream" "Tomorrow is another day" "Another day" "You may not get a second chance" "For romance" "So before it's too late" "Don't hesitate Find your dream" "So before it's too late" "Don't hesitate Find your dream" "Find your dream" "Brian Cohen" "Brian Cohen I have come to take you away" "Who are you?" "Are you Death?" "No, I'm Biggus Dickus" "Hail Caesar" "Hail Caesar" "That's wight, Bwian." "Bigguth Dickuth is my best fwend fwom Wome." "Dethist, you wowdy wadicals." "You are a webel, Bwian, and a wapscallion and a Wepublican." "Centurion why do they titter so?" "Just some Jewish joke, sir." "Theath thith wibaldwy at onth." "I won't be wattled by a wabble of wowdy webels." "Thith man wanks higher than any in Wome." "Awest this man and thwow him woughly into a thell." "Brian Cohen" "Brian Cohen" "You are under arrest" "Arrested and restrained" "Brian was captured and jailed lt seems his plans had all now failed" "Detained and chained and then" "He was throwned into a pen" "With a very silly man Who was named Ben" "You lucky, lucky bastard." "What are they going to do to me?" "Oh, you'll probably get away with just crucifixion." "Crucifixion?" "Yeah, first offence." ""Get away with crucifixion"?" "Well, at least it gets you out into the open air" "Best thing the Romans ever did for us lf we didn't have crucifixion" "This country would be ln a right bloody mess" "What?" "Nail 'em up, I say Nail 'em up, I say" "Nail some sense into 'em" "Now, take my case They hung me up" "For five long years of pain" "And every night, they take me down" "Then they hang me up again" "Which I regard as very, very fair ln view of what I done lf nothing else, it's taught me to Respect the Romans, son lt's taught me that in this old life" "There's only one right way" "You must do a fair day's work For a fair day's pay" "A fair day's work for a fair day's pay" "That is what The lower middle classes say" "So do your duty every day" "A fair day's work for a fair day's pay" "Once I was a lad in the Hudson Bay I'd cut down trees every single day I'd sleep all night and work all day" "And walk away contented With a fair day's pay" "He'd sleep all night and work all day" "And walk away contented With a fair day's pay" "A fair day's work for a fair day's pay" "That is what The lower middle classes say" "So do your duty every day" "A fair day's work for a fair day's pay" "Yes, I was a lumberjack, okay" "Going to the lavatory every day I'd work very hard With me tiny little axe" "At night I'd visit naughty bars To help relax" "He'd work very hard With his tiny little axe" "And at night he'd visit naughty bars To help relax I'd work away in a very butch way" "Chopping down tall trees every day I'd put on women's clothing And go out at nights" "And go and seek the company Of transvestites" "He'd put on women's clothing And go out at nights" "And go and seek the company Of transvestites?" "That's enough of that, okay" "We don't give a duck lf you're completely gay" "Brian." "Mother." "What are you doing here?" "What are you doing here?" "I'm going to be crucified." "I've brought you some clean underwear." "Judith!" "Hello, Brian. I've come to say goodbye." "Goodbye?" "Well, yes, Brian, you're going to be crucified." "Oh, yes." "Well, I suppose if this is goodbye then I must...." "What?" "I must sing." "This is the final song I'll sing for you" "That's nice." "There's nothing more" "That I can do" "One final song" "And then I'm gone" "So far away from you I will stay true" "Though we're apart" "But still my heart" "Will always be with you" "Our final song" "Our final song" "Will not take long" "Will not take long" "And then we're gone" "And then we're gone" "lt's farewell to you -lt's farewell to you" "This is the final song I'll sing for you" "There's nothing more" "That I can do" "One final song" "And then we're done" "And I am leaving you" "This final day" "This final day" "This final day" "When we can say" "When we can say" "When we can say" "My life is done" "And we sing my song" "lt's our song too -lt's our song too" "Their final song" "Their final song" "Their final song" "Let's hope it will" "Not take too long" "This is the final song I'll sing for you" "There's nothing more" "That I can do" "One final song" "And then we're done" "And I am leaving you" "When I'm away" "When he's away" "When he's away I'll hope you'll play" "We're sure to play" "We're sure to play" "This final song" "This final song" "lt's all I'll have of you -lt's all I'll have of you" "This final day" "When I can say" "My life is done" "And we sing my song" "He sings so well" "Apart from this" "Apart from this" "Apart from this" "There is no more" "Crucifixion?" "Yes." "Good." "Out of the door." "Turn right." "One cross each." "Line on the left." "Next." "Crucifixion?" "Yes." "Out of the door." "Turn right." "One cross each." "Line on the left." "Next." "Crucifixion?" "No." "Freedom for me." "What?" "Freedom for me." "They said I hadn't done nothing so I could go free and live on an island somewhere." "Oh, well, that's jolly good." "Well, off you go, then." "Nah, I'm just pulling your leg." "It's crucifixion really." "Yes." "Yes, very good." "Yeah." "Very good." "Very good." "You know the way, out the door." "Out the door." "Line on the left." "One cross each." "Yep." "Yep." "Yeah." "Yeah. I've done it before." "Crucifixion?" "Excuse me, but there's been some sort of mistake." "Oh, well, we'll sort that out later." "Oh, that's a good one, eh?" ""We'll sort it out later, after you've been crucified."" "Typical bloody Romans, eh?" "Now you can shut up." "Or what?" "I'll have to give up being crucified in the afternoons?" "But I don't want to be crucified." "Oh, cheer up, Brian." "You know what they say." "Some things in life are bad" "They can really make you sad" "Other things just make you Swear and curse" "When you're chewing on life's gristle" "Don't grumble, give a whistle" "And this'll help things Turn out for the best" "And" "Always look on the bright side of life" "See?" "Always look on the light side of life" "If life seems jolly rotten" "There's something you've forgotten" "And that's to laugh and smile And dance and sing lf you're feeling in the dumps" "Don't be silly, chumps" "Just purse your lips and whistle That's the thing" "And always look on The bright side of life" "Very good." "Always look on the light side of life" "For life is quite absurd" "And death's the final word" "You must always face the curtain With a bow" "Forget about your sin" "Give the audience a grin" "Enjoy it lt's your last chance anyhow" "So always look on The bright side of death" "Just before you draw Your terminal breath" "Life's a piece of shit" "When you look at it" "Life's a laugh and death's a joke lt's true" "You'll see it's all a show" "Keep 'em laughing as you go" "Just remember The last laugh is on you" "And always look on The bright side of life" "Always look on the bright side of life" "Key change." "Always look on the bright side of life" "Always look on the bright side of life" "Always look on the bright side of life" "Always look on the bright side of life" "Always look on the bright side of life" "Always look on the bright side of life" "And always look on The bright side" "Of life" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Oh, dear." "I never wanted to be a Roman wepressing wadicals wigorously on a wegular basis for the west of my life." "I didn't want to attend a 40th-anniversary concert at the Royal Albert Hall." "No, no, no." "No." "I wanted to be a lumberjack!" "Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia." "The giant redwood." "The larch." "The fir." "The mighty Scots pine." "The lofty flowering cherry." "The plucky little aspen." "The limping Nigerian rude tree." "The great wattle of Aldershot." "The Maidenhead weeping water plant." "The naughty flashing oak of Leicestershire." "The flatulent elm of West Ruislip." "The Quercus Maximus Bambergascoignus." "With my best girl by my side!" "We'd sing!" "Sing!" "Sing!" "Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay I sleep all night and I work all day" "He's a lumberjack, and he's okay" "He sleeps all night And he works all day I cut down trees I eat my lunch I go to the lavatory" "On Wednesdays I go shoppin'" "And have buttered scones for tea" "He cuts down trees He eats his lunch" "He goes to the lavatory" "On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'" "And has buttered scones for tea" "He's a lumberjack, and he's okay" "He sleeps all night And he works all day I cut down trees I skip and jump I like to press wildflowers I put on women's clothing" "And hang around in bars" "He cuts down trees He skips and jumps" "He likes to press wildflowers" "He puts on women's clothing" "And hangs around in bars?" "He's a lumberjack, and he's okay" "And I'm okay" "He sleeps all night and he works all day -l sleep all night and I work all day I cut down trees I wear high heels Suspendies and a bra I wish I'd been a girlie" "Just like my dear papa" "Hey!" "He cuts down trees" "He wears high heels Suspenders and a bra?" "!" "He's a lumberjack, and he's okay -l'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay" "He sleeps all night and he works all day -l sleep all night and I work all day" "He's a lumberjack and he's okay" "Oh, Bevis, I thought you were so rugged!" "He sleeps all night And he works all day"