"WOMAN ON RADIO:" "5:25 on this Thanksgiving Thursday... (TURNS RADIO OFF)" "(SIGHS HAPPILY)" "* Tell me why I love you like I do" "* Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you" "* Let's take each other's hand" "* As we jump into * the final frontier" "* I'm mad about you, baby" "* Yeah!" "You should get dressed." "Huh?" "We got..." "We got time." "Who gave us this?" "My mother." "Put it out." "Oh." "It's so atrocious." "You know what?" "I think we're sending the wrong message." "If they see this stuff out, it only encourages them to give us more." "If she doesn't see it, she's gonna start smiling." "Well, we sure don't want that to happen." "No, no, no." "Trust me." "She smiles, she's hurt, she laughs, she's pissed, she gets bubbly, it's every man for himself." "Can you help me with this?" "(OVEN BELL DINGS) And it's the Knicks by 12 at the half." "Hey, what is that?" "Cranberries." "Not from a can?" "Be very impressed." "I'm wildly impressed." "My mother always made cans." "(TELEPHONE RINGS)" "I got it." "Here, I'll get it." "Here." "You do this." "Do you know how to do it?" "I believe I'll figure it out." "All right." "All right." "Hello?" "I'm in the middle of cooking." "Lisa, you're not a vegetarian." "Oh, since when?" "Honey?" "Honey?" "Fast." "Fast, fast, fast, fast." "Oh, come on." "This is just a hostile act against Daddy, and you know it." "Maybe because he's a butcher." "Doesn't she pay somebody for this?" "We're not going to have salad." "No salad?" "Every Thanksgiving my mother made salad and every year nobody ate it." "Sweetie, it's like you can't do it too fast." "Band, bang, bang, bang, bang." "No." "No, no, no." "No." "No salad." "That is not a hostile act against mom." "Because it's totally different." "Because it is." "I'll do it." "Okay, fine." "Fine, fine, fine." "Just please let me go." "Okay, bye." "When you run downstairs for ice, will you also get a vegetarian lasagna?" "Who's running down for ice?" "I made ice." "Look..." "Hey!" "Where's my ice?" "I needed the room in the freezer." "We'll buy ice." "I've been working on that ice for two weeks." "I had a whole schedule." "I'm up nights making ice." "You were doing an absolutely beautiful job." "Please go downstairs." "Ice and what?" "Lasagna?" "Yes." "You want me to make you a list?" "I don't need a list." "And brussels sprouts." "Oh, hey you know, brussels sprouts, let's say no." "Come on." "Fran's alone, Ryan is with Mark, she's feeling vulnerable, and she loves brussels sprouts." "So let her eat a Valium." "Would you please..." "This is the first time they're all coming to us." "I want everyone to be happy." "I thought we're doing it our way." "We are doing it our way, except with brussels sprouts." "All right, so what am I getting?" "I'm getting ice, brussels sprouts, and lasagna." "Thank you." "And chutney." "Now I got to make a list." "Anything else?" "Nope." "That's it." "You forget doilies?" "Acorn squash?" "Dental floss?" "We're covered." "We have nice turkey." "As do we." "Just that and the ice." "Ice." "My biggest profit margin." "Just water, cold, and time." "Okay." "Hey!" "Parents." "Early parents." "Yes, they are." "Very." "It's your first Thanksgiving here." "We thought we'd give you a hand." "Look, Paulie, I brought my potatoes." "Oh." "You know, Jamie made potatoes." "So she'll freeze hers." "Okay." "I've got to baste." "Is that ice?" "Yeah." "This is ice." "You bought ice?" "Yeah." "He bought ice." "You bought ice?" "I bought ice." "Your turn." "Ooh." "Ooh." "Is this Ira?" "Where?" "There." "No." "Clint Black." "I can't believe Ira got his band in the parade." "What a break." "They're going to be dressed like pilgrims, and they're gonna play Turkey in the Straw." "Hey, don't knock it." "You know, that's how Led Zeppelin started." "(PIPES CLANGING)" "You mean to tell me that super of yours still hasn't fixed those pipes?" "Do you have a wrench?" "And what can I do?" "Nothing." "Both of you, sit down and relax." "You're our guests." "This is our turn." "At least let me help set the table." "It's set." "We're doing buffet." "And why is that, honey?" "You know why, ma?" "Just..." "Just to toy with your mind." "You know what?" "We should get dressed." "Yes." "I'll take care of the kitchen." "Look." "It's so unusual." "It's a sweet potato mousse." "Martha Stewart made it for Willard Scott." "That man will eat anything." "Ooh!" "No marshmallows." "It didn't call for any." "Want to hear a funny story?" "When I was little girl, we had no money." "It was during the war." "My father was overseas, and my mother was in the hospital with the croup." "Well, so far it's more a cute story than, like, funny." "Thanksgiving, all my brothers and sisters, we went to eat with Mama." "They brought in the tray, and we looked down, and there were the sweet potatoes, but no marshmallows." "'Cause they were rationed." "Marshmallows?" "It was war." "Anyway, we were so upset, we cried and cried." "And I told myself that when the war was over," "I would never spend a holiday without marshmallows again." "But this is fine." "I'll be right back." "Sweetie, she doesn't need marshmallows." "I just want her to be happy." "Quick!" "Quick!" "Quick!" "Look at this." "What, what?" "That's not Ira." "That's Ben Vereen." "I know." "What a talent." "Yeah." "Excuse me." "Nothing else?" "Votive candles?" "Lemon Pledge?" "Chocolate macaroons?" "No." "Just marshmallows." "For sweet potatoes." "Uh, sweet potato mousse." "Martha Stewart make that for Willard Scott." "But no marshmallows." "(LAUGHS IRONICALLY) You want to hear a funny story?" "Mom, Daddy, you're early." "Yeah, they actually are." "Hello, sweetheart." "Oh, God, she's smiling." "What have you done?" "I told her no salad." "Oh, for crying out loud." "Aunt Lolly, happy Thanksgiving." "Guess what I'm having for dinner." "Vegetarian lasagna." "Why?" "'Cause." "Well, you know, vegetarians die young." "Says who?" "It's a fact." "I gotta baste." "Look what I brought." "My potatoes." "Oh, how thoughtful." "Oh, what a large bird." "No, it's big enough." "Oh, it looks delicious." "Oh, come on." "Give it a try." "How did you prepare it?" "You know, melted butter, paprika, a little sage." "Didn't you salt it?" "I did, salt and pepper." "Because Daddy can't eat salt." "Gus!" "Just a little bit." "She salted the turkey!" "Oh, only on the skin." "(DOORBELL BUZZES)" "Oh, more company." "PAUL:" "I got it." "Oh, you'd do it, too, if you could." "Hey." "Hey." "See, that's Ira." "Hi!" "Ira, we were just watching the tape of the parade." "Where are you?" "I got bumped." "My god." "Who bumped you?" "Shari Lewis." "Shari Lewis bumped me." "You know, she's Jerry Lewis' wife." "No, she's not." "It's a fact." "It's amazing, you know." "Her float gets a flat, so they give her ours." "Like people would rather see a woman going down Broadway with her hand up a lamb's ass." "Well, I'm going to set the table." "It's set." "You're so funny." "Oh, God, she's laughing." "They went buffet." "Buffet?" "Wow, I haven't see her cranked this high since I shaved my head." "I'll be right back." "Where you going?" "I'm just going to get some salad." "She doesn't need salad." "Maybe it'll get her off the buffet." "Where's she going?" "She's going to get salad." "Oh, that's nuts." "Just give me turkey, some stuffing, and that cranberry jelly, and I'm set." "Cranberry jelly?" "Yeah." "Well, how would you feel about turkey, stuffing, and cranberries made from scratch?" "Scratch?" "Scratch." "Oh, no, no, no, no." "Not for me." "See, for Thanksgiving, it has to slide out of the can." "Now what?" "Cranberries." "Take it easy with the water chestnuts." "My mother once choked on one of those." "Uh, jellied cranberry sauce." "Don't carry." "Tweezers." "Pretzel nuggets." "How about a nice block of halvah?" "You don't carry..." "You don't carry jellied cranberry sauce?" "You have soup from 15 countries, but jellied cranberry sauce you don't have?" "Union problems." "(STAMMERING) There must be one can somewhere." "I only see two beans in this three-bean salad." "Oh, who cares?" "Trust me, she'll notice." "He wants it sliding out of a can." "It has to slide out of a can." "You know why, by the way?" "(SUCKING) The noise." "He likes the..." "He likes that little cranberry suck noise." "My mother needs kidney beans." "What are we..." "What are we doing?" "This is just..." "You know what, baby?" "Whose Thanksgiving is this, anyway?" "You're right." "Why are we making ourselves crazy?" "You're right." "We should..." "We should just get up there." "You're right." "(EXHALES)" "It breaks my heart what's happened to your life." "(PARADE MARCH PLAYING ON TV)" "Hi!" "Hey!" "I've been here minutes." "(TELEPHONE RINGS)" "Listen, I've been with them years." "Trust me." "It gets worse." "Hello?" "Aunt Lolly, could you turn that down, please?" "PAUL:" "I got it." "Okay." "Fran, it's for you." "Yeah." "One second." "Hello?" "Mark?" "What's the problem?" "Well, just tell him to eat it." "Fine, let me talk to him." "Ryan?" "Sweetie?" "You like turkey." "Yes, you do." "Yes, you do." "Yes, you do." "Excuse me." "What happened to the table here?" "We went another way." "Oh..." "What did we..." "We said we're going buffet." "Well, we still are." "We're just sitting at it." "The other thing was too much walking." "This way, everybody's happy." "No, actually, not really." "This way, you're happy, me and the missus, not so much." "Jamie's happy." "Not so much." "Look, let me explain something to you people." "This is our home, this is our dinner." "So, if we want to eat on our laps with no cranberry jelly..." "No jellied?" "No jellied." "Then it's not Thanksgiving." "No, it is Thanksgiving." "It's just our Thanksgiving, which means we're we're gonna do it our way." "Right?" "Right." "Yeah." "So, come on move the chairs back." "Come on, come on, come on, come on!" "Now, scatter 'em." "Scatter 'em around." "All right?" "This is gonna be fun." "We're gonna have a great Thanksgiving." "It'll be really good." "You just have to trust us." "We're not kids anymore." "Everything is under control." "It's gonna be fine." "Sit down." "How do you eat a 30-pound turkey?" "What are you, an animal?" "There." "How's that?" "It looks very bad." "Oh, God." "Why don't we just go out there?" "We'll tell them the truth." "Please." "You're right." "We're adults." "I know!" "All right." "Here's what we do." "Here is what..." "This is smart." "Okay." "We sneak out, and we buy another turkey, and then when they're not looking, we sneak it back in, but like adults." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "All right, so I'll go, you stall them." "Yes, you do." "Yes, you do." "Well, the turkey should be ready any minute." "THERESA:" "It looked done to me." "Where are you going now?" "Huh?" "Oh, I just got to get a small..." "What?" "Uh, hey!" "You know what we should do?" "Let's sit around in a circle and let's tell each other what we're thankful for." "Yeah, right." "Get up." "Who wants to go first?" "Uh..." "Uh, Sylvia?" "Come back to me, honey." "Okey-dokey." "Burt, what are you thankful for?" "I got a parking space in front of the building." "And?" "No meter." "Daddy?" "I'm thankful we're gonna be eating soon." "We're gonna be eating soon, right?" "Yes, we are." "I'm thankful for my beautiful daughter, her wonderful husband, her lovely home, her exciting job, and for Lisa." "I'm thankful I have therapy tomorrow." "Fran, how about you?" "Yes, you do." "Ira?" "Uh, Chuckles." "The candy?" "Yeah." "And Aunt Lolly?" "And okey-dokey." "Um, so, that brings it back to me." "Let's see, let's see, let's see, let's see." "There's just so many things to be thankful for." "Alphabetically, for example..." "Aaaa..." "Apple blossom time." "A." "All right." "No clam dip, no light bulbs, no marzipan." "I just need a turkey." "We got smoked, not smoked, stuffed, not stuffed." "Garnished, not garnished..." "Oh, I'm begging you." "And what else, what else, what else, what else?" "Vinyl." "Vinyl." "Just like leather, but nobody gets hurt." "Well, I'm thankful I'm a vegetarian and don't have to wait for some dead bird to cook." "No, Lisa, Lisa." "Wait." "Wait." "You've helped enough." "You know, maybe it's just my new outlook on meat, but this is disgusting." "Okay." "Please don't tell anyone." "Paul's out getting another one right now." "Relax." "FRAN:" "Yes, you do." "Yes, you do." "LISA:" "Wow!" "That's the most beautiful turkey" "I've ever seen, and I'm a vegetarian!" "Any minute now." "Hi." "Then pick the mushrooms out." "Where were you?" "Hmm?" "I told you, I had to..." "I had to... (MUTTERING)" "Hah!" "What?" "Do you hear that?" "What?" "The pipes are clanging again." "Oh, that." "It's horrible." "Yeah, I'm just gonna call the plumber." "Are you calling a plumber on Thanksgiving?" "Do you know what that's going to cost you?" "$179 minimum." "It's a fact." "What do they care?" "They buy ice." "You don't need a plumber." "I'll have that damn thing fixed in five minutes." "I'll give you a hand." "It's right in there." "You know what?" "$179 will come in handy when we redo the bedroom." "You're redoing the bedroom?" "Yeah, I hope I don't make the same mistakes I made last time." "We'll look." "Right in there." "FRAN:" "Ryan, sweetie, let me talk to Daddy." "Mark, just talk to him." "You have control of the situation." "Yes, you do." "Yes, you do." "Where is it?" "It was right here a second ago." "You don't leave a turkey in the hallway in New York city!" "Well..." "Who knew?" "It's a fact!" "Butterball, not Butterball, organic, not organic." "Free range, range restricted..." "BURT:" "How can you not have a wrench?" "PAUL:" "I'm looking, I'm looking." "SYLVIA:" "Lisa, take the lamps." "PAUL:" "How about these?" "A pliers is not a wrench." "THERESA:" "You can never have too many pillows." "(CAR HORN HONKING)" "Personally, that wouldn't have been my choice." "I panicked!" "Look, you two relax." "We'll go." "Come on." "Where are you going?" "I'm just afraid your sister's going to overcook that bird." "She won't." "She might." "It's done." "Well, then, let's go eat." "Everybody." "Not that kind of done." "Are you having an episode?" "No, no." "It's just the turkey." "Well..." "Murray sort of..." "Ate it." "Oh, my goodness." "Poor Jamie." "You can't tell anybody." "Of course not." "Gus!" "Just put it on the Buchmans' account." "They're good eaters." "I will definitely hate this chair less in the bedroom." "What do you think?" "(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)" "All right, all right." "Let's see." "12C?" "12D." "Right above them." "12D." "Hi!" "So, what do you think?" "(TELEPHONE RINGS)" "Hello." "Go to the kitchen." "Where are you?" "Upstairs." "What?" "Just go to your kitchen." "Got it." "SYLVIA:" "Who is that?" "Uh, Ira." "Isn't he here?" "Uh, different Ira." "Excuse us." "Dinner will be on in a minute." "Did I hear "dinner"?" "I wouldn't count on it." "What do you mean?" "What's going on?" "All right." "But you didn't hear it from me." "Why are we in the kitchen?" "This is where he said to go." "I..." "I don't know..." "She makes me want to smoke again." "(SNIFFS) I smell turkey!" "Yes, you do." "But you know what?" "We're letting it cool." "Shouldn't it come out of the oven for that?" "You bet." "That's what we're going to do." "We'll do that." "Why don't you tell everybody to go wash up?" "Fine." "Okay." "On the house." "Everyone knew, and nobody told me?" "Well, you were next." "What a disaster." "You know what?" "Look, everyone." "It's Ira on TV." "What Ira?" "It's the Cirque du Soleil." "Oh, sure, sure." "There's Ira!" "(ALL CHATTERING)" "Good for you." "What?" "I never had a mother-in-law?" "She loved you." "Please." "It's Thanksgiving." "All right." "Who wants turkey?" "(ALL CHATTERING)" "JAMIE:" "Sorry it took so long." "Oh, what long?" "It just gave me a chance to work up an appetite." "Oh, this buffet." "I feel so cosmopolitan." "No, I really do." "The bird looks delicious." "Wait till you see dessert." "Thank God they're out of the room." "I haven't been able to get a word in edgewise." "I'm telling you, Ceil, these people are nuts." "They're going, and they're coming, and not a speck of salad anywhere." "And I keep watching the parade over and over." "And I'll tell you the truth." "They keep calling me Aunt Lolly, and I'm not even sure which one of them I'm related to." "What the hell." "It's a free meal."