"FILM NARRATOR:" "Welcome to Sheffield... the beating heart of Britain's industrial North." "The jewel in Yorkshire's crown... is home to over half a million people... and thousands more flock here daily to shop and to work." "All this is built on Sheffield's primary industry--steel." "The city's rolling mills, forges, and workshops... employ some 90,000 men and state-of-the-art machinery... to make the world's finest steel-- from high-tensile girders to the stainless cutlery... that ends up on your dining table." "But it's not all hard work for the people of Steel City." "They can spend the day lounging by the pool... watching one of our top soccer teams... or browsing in the shops." "But when the sun goes down, the fun really starts... in the city's numerous nightclubs and discotheques." "yes, Yorkshire folk know how to have a good time... and it's good times for the city's housing, too." "Sheffield leads the way in town planning." "Victorian slums have been cleared... to make way for the homes of the future." "Thanks to steel..." "Sheffield really is a city on the move." "DAVE:" "Gaz, who's gonna buy a rusty girder?" "GAZ:" "Come on." "NATHAN:" "Dad, it's stealing." "GAZ:" "No." "It's liberating, luv." "Liberating." "DAVE:" "Gaz, hang on." "GAZ:" "Ten years we worked in here, and now look." "NATHAN:" "What if we get caught?" "GAZ: you don't get a criminal record till you're sixteen." "Just don't tell your mom." "Hey, listen." "DAVE:" "Music." "NATHAN: yeah." "[Playing slow march]" "GAZ:" "Bloody hell." "GAZ:" "What are they doing?" "NATHAN:" "It's the factory band." "They're still going." "DAVE:" "About the only thing around here that is." "Eh up, security guard's back." "[Door closing]" "DAVE:" ""Won't take a minute," he says." ""Won't take a minute." Now what?" "GAZ:" "Shut up." "I'm thinking." "NATHAN:" "Can't we do normal things sometimes?" "GAZ:" "What's up with you?" "This is normal." "DAVE:" "Oh, aye, everyday stuff, this." "I think this bugger's sinking." "GAZ:" "Right." "Now pick it up... and try and slide it across other side." "That's it." "Oh, fucking hell, Nathe!" "They're twenty quid each, them." "That were your bloody maintenance, were that." "Oh, shit." "DAVE:" "Oh, nice one." "GAZ:" "Nathe." "Nathan." "Fuckin' hell!" "DAVE:" "Come here, come here." "GAZ:" "Jesus, stay still." "Stay still, stay still." "All right." "DAVE:" "What's your initiative say about this, bog eyes?" "GAZ:" "Eh up." "Someone coming." "MAN:" "All right?" "GAZ:" "Ah, not so bad." "DAVE:" "Not so bad?" "Not so bad?" "That's not much of a chuffing SOS, is it?" "GAZ:" "All right, don't get a benny on." "Shit." "DAVE:" "My jeans are bloody soaking." "GAZ:" "Should have taken your kit off. you shy?" "DAVE:" "Don't." "Just shut it, all right?" "[Gaz laughs]" "DAVE:" "Ohh." "GAZ:" "Eh up, Dave." "All right, babe." "Dad." "What do you reckon, Dave?" "Eight, maybe a nine." "GAZ: you can never tell till you see their tits, can you?" "Dad!" "What's all this, then?" "NATHAN:" "It's them Chippendale efforts." "GAZ:" "What?" "NATHAN:" "Them dancers." "Mum were going on about it." "GAZ:" "Aw, you're joking." "She must be getting desperate." "DAVE:" "Away, Gaz." "you all waiting for me, then?" "WOMAN: yeah, to go home." "GAZ: you know where to find me when you're tired of them poofs." "DAVE:" "Gaz, I'm freezing." "GAZ: "Women only"?" "Cheeky buggers." "It's a bloody working men's club." "I mean, look at the state of that." "I don't know what you've got to smile about." "I mean, he's got no willy for starters, has he?" "There's nowt in the gym that'll help you there, mate." "No decent woman would be seen dead in there." "Jean would." "Oh, Dave, what's going on?" "It's her money, isn't it?" "Fucking hell." "you gonna just stand there... while some poof's waving his tackle at your missis?" "Where's your pride, man?" "She's already got you hoovering." "I saw it, and I let it go." "But this, no, no, no." "you get her out of there and tell her what for." "NATHAN:" "He can't." "It's women only." "DAVE:" "Just hurry up, will you?" "Me feet have gone numb." "GAZ:" "That's gratitude for you." "We're riding into "Alley of Death" for you, you fat git." "DAVE:" "It's not my fault I can't fit through, is it?" "GAZ:" "All right, then." "I'll be waiting here, keeping guard." "you tell Auntie Jean Uncle Dave wants a word outside, all right?" "Do I have to?" "Good kid." "On you go." "[Music playing]" "[Cheering]" "WOMEN:" "Off!" "Off!" "Off!" "Off!" "JEAN:" "Ooh, I'm not waiting in that bloody queue." "SHARON:" "I've always wanted a nosey in the men's toilet." "BEE:" "Phoor, them bloody muscles." "JEAN:" "No, no, it's not their bodies, Bee." "It's what they do with them that counts." "SHARON:" "I don't know what you're worrying about... you-know-who on your tail." "BEE SINGING:" "Frankie, do you want my body?" "JEAN:" "Hey, Frank don't fancy me... and I don't fancy Frank, so bloody well give over." "Do you think he might, though?" "No, couldn't do that to Dave." "Not even if I wanted to." "But it's like he's given up." "Work, me, everything." "Ah, luv." "Here, luv, this'll cheer you up." "[Urinating]" "[Women laughing]" "BEE:" "I weren't in Girl Scouts for nothing." "DAVE:" "Gaz." "Gaz." "That were our Jean, weren't it?" "GAZ:" "No, no." "Just a couple of old tarts." "Going back in for Nathe." "[Donna Summer's "Hot Stuff" plays]" "GAZ: you're in big trouble." "NATHAN:" "What about Auntie Jean?" "GAZ:" "Auntie Jean's busy." "NATHAN:" "I don't feel well." "GAZ:" "Of course you don't." "you've got an hangover." "Take a day off." "Hang about at home." "NATHAN: your house is messy." "It's cold and all." "GAZ:" "Then come down Jobclub." "That'll be a right laugh." "NATHAN:" "Mum's house is always warm." "GAZ:" "I can't always have the red carpet out for you." "Anyway, it's not your mum's house." "It's what's-his-name--Barry's." "Tell you what." "Next weekend, I'll have a big tidy around." "I promise." "Even go and see a footie game." "NATHAN: yeah?" "GAZ: yeah." "Sunday League going down the park... has got some right good players." "NATHAN:" "United playing Man U, aren't they?" "GAZ:" "Oh, Nathe, you know I can't stretch to that." "NATHAN: you're always making me do stupid stuff." "Other dads don't do that." "GAZ:" "Don't they?" "Aye." "NATHAN:" "Aye." "GAZ:" "Hey, Nathe." "We could try and sneak into Man U." "Terry were telling us about this gap in fence." "NATHAN:" "No!" "GAZ:" "All right." "I'll get tickets." "I will." "Ooh, ah, Cantona, has to wear a girlie bra." "Stuff 'em, Nathe." "Fuck." "MANAGER:" "I want your application letters finished... by the time I get back, right?" "Any problems, I'm outside." "GAZ:" "I tell you, when women start pissing like us... that's it." "We're finished, Dave." "Extincto." "DAVE: yeah, I mean, how?" "you know?" "TERRY:" "Genetic mutations, isn't it?" "They're turning into us." "GAZ:" "A few years, and men won't exist... except in a zoo or something." "We're not needed no more, are we?" "Obsolete." "Dinosaurs." "yesterday's news." "Like skateboards." "GERALD:" "Button it." "Some of us are trying to get a job." "Hey, it says no smoking in here." "GAZ:" "Oh, and it says Jobclub up there... and when were the last time you saw one of them walk in?" "you forget, Gerald, you're not our foreman anymore." "you're just like the rest of us--scrap." "Shut it, right?" "DAVE:" "Hang on, then." "Why were all them women in working men's club?" "Now, then, because of us--men." "GAZ:" "you call them Chippendales men?" "Degrading, that's what it were." "How many lasses were there, though?" "Thousands, baying for blood." "Ten quid to watch some fucking poof get his kit off." "DAVE:" "Right." "Times ten quid by a thousand, right?" "And you've got... yeah, well, a lot--a very lot." "Ten thousand quid." "How much?" "Ten thousand quid." "Hey, now, Dave, it's worth a thought, though, isn't it?" "GERALD:" "Oh, aye." "Could just see Little and Large... prancing around Sheffield with their widgers hanging out." "Now that would be worth ten quid." "GAZ:" "Don't be so bloody daft." "We were just saying" "GERALD:" "Widgers on parade." "Bring your own microscope." "I don't see why the chuff not, Gerald." "Because you're fat, and he's thin... and you're both fucking ugly." "GAZ:" "Fucking bastard." "GAZ:" "What's all this about sole custody?" "you know what it is, Gary." "If you want joint custody, you have to pay your share-- seven hundred quid." "I'm on dole, in case you hadn't noticed." "Then get a job." "I'll get you a job." "At two pound fifty an hour in black hole of fucking Calcutta?" "No, thank you." "Fine." "If you want to go off and play your games, Gary... then you do that, but Nathan's gonna have two parents." "GAZ: your bloody live-in lover's gonna do that, is he?" "Abracadabra." "Here he is." "Evening, Barry." "That'll be for court to decide." "No, it won't." "Nathan's yours and he's mine... and he's fuck all to do with him !" "BARRY:" "As if you've ever given a toss." "MANDY:" "Face it, Gary." "He don't even like staying at your house." "Of course he bloody does." "Ask him." "Ask him." "Nathe, we have a laugh, don't we, kid?" "Gary, don't." "GAZ:" "Is he in?" "Is he in?" "!" "Nathe!" "Well, he can't hear you through your triple bloody glazing." "MANDY:" "He can hear, all right." "This is all wrong, this is." "It's all to fucking cock." "I'm his dad, and you, you're nobody." "Yorkshire:" "Good night, Gary." "GAZ:" "Night, Nathe." "See you, kid." "DAVE:" "No, not doing it." "I'm not stripping." "GAZ:" "Dave, they're taking him away." "All I need is seven hundred quid." "DAVE:" "Gaz, no." "GAZ:" "Dave, he's me kid." "I suppose there's nicking cars." "No." "Well, then?" "DAVE:" "Look, I'll help." "I'm running now, aren't I?" "But I'm taking nowt off, final." "GAZ:" "Come on, Dave." "Don't stop now." "Keep up, you fat bastard." "DAVE:" "Gazza, you tosser." "[Ignition on car tries to turn over]" "DAVE: you need a hand?" "yeah, it's your HT leads, I reckon." "Give it a go at that." "[Engine starts]" "DAVE:" "Didn't you work at Harrisons before it shut down?" "yeah, thought I clocked you." "I were on't floor with Gaz, him up the road." "How's it going, then?" "you got any work?" "No, there's not a lot about, is there?" "Like I say, get some new ones when you get the chance." "No, no, my chuffing pleasure." "GAZ:" "Dave?" "Are you all right, kid?" "you bastard." "[Lomper coughing]" "LOMPER:" "Hey, hey!" "[Pounding on window]" "you could shoot yourself." "GAZ:" "Where's he gonna find a gun around here?" "you want to find yourself a big bridge, you do." "DAVE: yeah, like one of them bungee jumps... only without the bungee bit." "I can't stand heights, me." "DAVE:" "Drowning." "Now there's a way to go." "I can't swim." "GAZ: you don't have to fucking swim, you divvy." "That's the whole point." "God, you're not very keen, are you?" "Sorry." "I know." "you could stand in middle of road... and get a mate to drive smack into you right fast." "Haven't got any mates." "GAZ:" "Listen, we just saved your fucking life... so don't tell us we're not your mates, all right?" "Really?" "DAVE: yeah." "I'd run you down soon as look at you." "Oh, cheers." "Ta." "Thanks a lot." "[Gasping for breath]" "What are you doing, Mum?" "Where have you been?" "LOMPER:" "Driving." "MOTHER:" "Driving where?" "LOMPER:" "Just driving." "MOTHER:" "I thought you'd gone." "GAZ:" "Security guard in here?" "No wonder he wants to kill himself." "DAVE:" "At least one bloke got a job... out of this place being shut down." "What did you tell him for, any road?" "Kid's a nutter." "GAZ:" "He's a bugle player." "Could come in right handy." "Might need a bit of music." "He's got a car... somewhere to practice." "Besides, good what's-its-name for the lad--therapy." "DAVE:" "Oh, aye, jiggling about in the buff, therapy." "He won't be the only one trying to kill himself... if you carry on with this caper." "NATHAN:" "Dad, I'm hungry." "GAZ:" "Eh up." "[Car horn honks]" "DAVE:" "Hey, Lomper... where's me rice?" "Try the cylinder head, tubby." "NATHAN:" "I don't like Chinese." "GAZ:" "Of course you do, don't you?" "DAVE:" "Let's see his records." "GAZ:" "What we got, then, Dave?" "DAVE: "The Floral Dance."" ""Marching with Hepworth."" "Jesus Christ." "DAVE:" "Ah, "Hot Chocolate." Now we're talking." "[Singing] I believe in miracles" "Since you came along" "GAZ AND DAVE SINGING:" "you sexy thing" "GAZ:" "Stick it on, Daverino." "I'm there." "NATHAN:" "Dad, don't." "GAZ:" "No, it's all right, Nathan." "This is right." "I've seen 'em do it." "DAVE ON SPEAKER:" "Good evening, Sheffield" "GAZ:" "Dave." "All right, all right." ""you Sexy Thing."" "A-one, two... a-one, two, three, four." "[Music starts]" "[Coins jingling]" "HOT CHOCOLATE SINGING:" "I believe in miracles" "Where you from?" "you sexy thing" "Sexy thing, you" "I believe in miracles" "Since you came along you sexy thing" "Where did you come from?" "[Needle scratches, music stops]" "GAZ:" "Need an audience." "you need a doctor." "GAZ:" "I tell you, there's something up with that kid." "Are you sure you checked the whole top end?" "DAVE: yeah." "LOMPER:" "There's no point." "He went out." "GAZ:" "What?" "LOMPER:" "I seen him go." "DAVE:" "There's the beggar." "GAZ:" "Oi, Nathe!" "Nathan!" "Nathan." "Hellfire." "What are you doing out here, kid?" "NATHAN:" "Nowt--walking home." "GAZ:" "It's miles home. you know that." "Why did you run off like that?" "you're embarrassed, aren't you?" "you think your own dad's a dickhead." "We're not doing this for a laugh, you know." "I'm trying to get some brass together... so as you and me can keep seeing each other." "They're trying to stop us, you see." "Well, I may as well not bother, except I'm your dad." "That counts for summat, doesn't it?" "I like you." "I love you, you bugger." "All right, kid?" "All right?" "yeah." "GAZ:" "Nutter." "[Tango music playing]" "NATHAN:" "Well, you said dancing." "GAZ:" "It were a great idea, kid-- just not the right sort of dancing." "DAVE:" "Gaz, hey, look here." "GAZ:" "Oh, my God." "Gerald, me lad, you're gonna be famous down Jobclub." "DAVE:" "He's not bad for a bastard, is he?" "GAZ:" "He's dead, that's what he is." "LOMPER: you said you wanted a dance teacher." "DAVE:" "Gerald?" "Go get chuffed." "He'll tell every bugger." "We'll be laughed out of Sheffield." "DANCE TEACHER:" "Well done, everybody." "LOMPER:" "Eh up, lads, bandits at six o'clock." "GAZ:" "Ah, come in, Torvill." "Park your sequins over here." "GERALD: you've had your laugh." "Now piss off." "It's a free country." "GAZ: you were rather good." "Very nifty footwork." "LINDA:" "Gerald." "Oh, hello." "We're missing the rumba." "GERALD:" "Sorry, luv." "I was just having a bit of a chat... with some pals of mine from work." "LINDA:" "Oh." "Not thinking of joining our class?" "GAZ:" "Funny you should mention it." "GERALD:" "I think we'd better be getting back now, eh?" "LINDA:" "Well, good night." "GAZ:" "Get back to your rumba." "We'll see you later, Gerald." "At work." "DAVE:" "He's got gnomes." "GAZ:" "Aye, he bloody would have." "[Gerald humming]" "LINDA:" "Things looking up?" "GERALD:" "Do you know, luv, I think they just might be." "LINDA:" "Good." "you've been working too hard." "About time you let one of your colleagues... do the lion's share for a change." "I wish you'd be firmer, Gerald." "GERALD:" "Mustn't be late." "It's all right if l" "Oh, Linda" "LINDA:" "Don't be so mean." "Things are looking up." "you said so yourself." "you'll love skiing." "Linda..." "Oh, don't matter." "Bye." "Hey, Gaz." "Off to the office, are we, Torvill?" "GERALD:" "As a matter of fact, yes, I bloody am." "Put that back." "Put it back!" "See that?" "Interview." "In the bloody bag." "Mate." "I know him from Harrisons." "And I could do the job standing on me head." "And I won't have to look at your ugly mugs ever again." "GAZ:" "We just need a bit of help." "GERALD:" "I'm sorry, pal." "There's nothing I can do to help the likes of you." "DAVE:" "Just want to know about dancing, that's all." "GERALD:" "Dancers have coordination, skill... timing, fitness, and grace." "Take a long, hard look in the mirror." "Now, I'm busy." "Don't be late for Jobclub, lads." "Bastard." "DIRECTOR:" "Starting at sixteen thousand... plus the pension scheme." "GERALD:" "It'll be a relief to get back to work." "It's not been an easy six months, granted." "I'm up to date with the latest industry developments... and I've kept meself... busy, you know?" "All the qualifications are there, obviously, Gerald... and we go back further than I care to remember." "Sorry?" "What we're asking, Gerald, is... after such a long layoff... do you think you're up to the job?" "you!" "you bastard!" "Fucking hell!" "MAN:" "Calm down, Gerry." "GAZ:" "Hey, Gerry, mate" "Come here, you bastard!" "you didn't get it?" "GERALD:" "Get out of the way!" "Come here!" "DAVE:" "Leave it!" "GERALD: you bastard!" "That were mine, that job!" "you don't give a toss!" "you're kids!" "It's different for me." "I've got a standard of living, responsibilities!" "I were on me way up!" "I am on me way up!" "It were me first interview in months!" "I could have got me first month's in advance." "She'd never have known." "Now what?" "She's still got credit cards, you know." "She's out there now, let loose on High Street... with a fucking MasterCard!" "Spending!" "Why can't you just tell her?" "How can I tell her after six months?" "A woman who wants to go skiing for us holidays." "[Laughing]" "Skiing, for fuck's sake!" "Why did you do it?" "It was my job!" "It had to be my...job." "GERALD:" "Can't you just leave me alone?" "DAVE:" "Stuck it with Superglue." "you can't hardly see the join." "Look." "Go on." "Oh, yeah." "Got this in jumble, like, to say sorry." "LOMPER:" "Wheels go round and everything." "[Wheels spin]" "DAVE:" "It's for your gnomes, really, not you, but..." "GERALD:" "I, uh..." "I don't know." "It's marvelous, this." "GAZ:" "We were thinking... you could maybe put it next to wishing well." "Make a bit of a...." "Feature." "yeah." "What do you reck?" "GERALD:" "Ta, lads, eh?" "Ta very much." "GAZ:" "Cigarette, for fuck's sake." "GAZ:" "Think any of them can dance?" "GERALD:" "you're not still on about... this Chippendales malarkey, are you?" "GAZ:" "A Yorkshire version." "If them buggers can, we bloody can." "you can't dance." "We know, Gerald." "DAVE:" "Look, Gaz, niner on its way." "GAZ:" "Why do you think we're trailing you all over town?" "GERALD:" "I don't know." "It's not my kind of dancing." "It's all arse-wiggling." "GAZ:" "I've got a degree in arse-wiggling, mate." "you learn us dancing, I'll learn you rest." "Look, Gerald, for once, I'm dead serious." "I need your help." "GERALD:" "What if someone spots me?" "What if Linda finds out?" "I've got standing, me." "GAZ:" "Aye, you've an overdraft and all, mate." "[Music plays]" "JANE BIRKIN SINGING:" "Je t'aime" "Je t'aime" "Oui, je t'aime" "SERGE GAINSBOURG SINGING:" "Quoi de plus" "JANE BIRKIN SINGING:" "Oh, mon amour" "SERGE GAINSBOURG SINGING:" "Comme la vague" "Irresolue" "Je vais" "Je vais, et je viens..." "Contre tes reins" "Je vais, et je viens" "Contre tes reins..." "[Music stops]" "REG:" "I'm sorry." "Sorry." "Thought I'd give it a go." "I got a bit desperate, like." "you know how it is." "I can't even take me kit off properly, can l?" "GAZ: you're all right, Reg." "There's a cup of tea." "REG:" "No, thanks." "I've got the kids outside." "GAZ:" "Bring 'em in." "REG:" "Nah." "This is no place for kids." "GERALD:" "This is crazy." "GAZ:" "So... it's Mr. Horse?" "Horse." "GAZ: yeah, well, just a minute, Mr. Horse." "My colleagues on the panel..." "LOMPER:" "Ask him why he's called "The Horse."" "GAZ: you bloody ask him." "It's not 'cause he does Grand National, is it?" "GERALD:" "What's the point of having a big wanger... if you need a zimmer frame to tout it in, eh?" "He must be fifty, if he's a day." "GAZ:" "So, Horse, what can you do?" "HORSE:" "Don't know, really." "Let's see." "There's the..." "There's the Bump... the Stomp... the Bus Stop." "Me break dancin' days are probably over... but there's always the Funky Chicken." "Now you're talking." "All of them?" "Oh, yeah." "I think so." "It's been a while, mind." "I've got this dodgy hip, you know?" "GAZ: yeah." "Well, stick it on, Nathe." "Do your worst, pal." "WILSON PICKETT SINGING:" "One, two, three one, two, three" "Ow!" "Unh!" "All right" "Unh!" "Gotta know how to pony" "Like Boney Maroney" "The mashed potato" "Do the alligator" "Ow!" "Unh!" "Na na-na-na na" "Na-na-na-na na-na-na na-na-na" "Na-na-na-na" "Ow!" "GUY:" "Me favorite film's "Singing in't Rain."" "They do that walking-up-wall thing." "Bloody ace, it is." "GERALD:" "He knows me." "He plastered our bathroom." "Get rid of him." "Shut up. you'll be fine." "He'll blow me cover." "What walking-up-wall thing?" "I'll show you." "I'm Donald O'Connor, right?" "That's the wall." "[Thud]" "GUY:" "Ouch." "Oh, well... it's better than that in the film, you know." "GAZ:" "Ahem." "So, you don't sing?" "No." "GAZ: you don't dance?" "No." "GAZ:" "Hope you don't think I'm nosy, but what do you do?" "Well...there is this." "[Gaz coughs]" "Gentlemen... the lunchbox has landed." "Chuffing Nora." "All right, Gerald." "Didn't see you over there." "Did his bathroom." "Hello, Guy." "GAZ:" "Nathe..." "Nathan." "DAVE:" "I say, Jean?" "JEAN: yeah?" "DAVE:" "Ever been out with a black bloke?" "JEAN: you know I haven't, Dave." "DAVE:" "But... if you were on't lookout for a new fella, right... if you were, just saying, would you think about it?" "What's got into you?" "DAVE:" "No, would you, though?" "JEAN:" "I might do, yeah." "Is that all right?" "DAVE:" "So it's true, then." "JEAN:" "I've bloody had enough of this." "What's true?" "DAVE:" "What they say about black blokes." "They've got great bodies and that." "JEAN:" "Some of them, yeah." "And?" "DAVE:" "Nothing." "JEAN:" "David, I don't care if they're black, white... or bloody rainbow-colored." "I'm married to you, remember?" "DAVE: yeah." "Night." "JEAN:" "Why would I want anyone else, eh?" "Big man." "[Jean kisses]" "DAVE:" "Jeanie..." "I'm all in." "It's amazing how tiring it is doing nowt, you know?" "[Jean laughing]" "GAZ:" "They're just messing, Dave." "DAVE: you reckon?" "GAZ:" "Of course." "Just Jean, isn't it?" "DAVE:" "Got any of them mint chocolates, Nathe?" "Get lost. you're on a diet." "Don't you start." "GAZ:" "Right, how much you got, then?" "[Dave sighs]" "DAVE:" "Twenty-two-- twenty-seven pence." "GAZ:" "Four ninety-nine, special offer." "We're still a fiver short." "Well, you know what this means, Dave." "DAVE:" "Oh, no." "Come on, Gaz." "Why me?" "GAZ:" "you've got an innocent face." "I've got "serial killer" written on me forehead." "If you're not going to dance, do something useful instead." "DAVE:" "What if Jean finds out?" "She'll throw an eppy." "GAZ:" "She's miles away." "See you later." "Good luck." "DAVE:" "Give us a pear drop, you." "NATHAN:" "They're not paid for." "[Alarm sounds]" "[Alarm stops]" "[Alarm sounds]" "IRENE CARA SINGING:" "First" "When there's nothing" "But a slow glowing dream..." "DAVE:" "Hey, what's this?" "I didn't go on the nick in ASDA... for some chuffing women's how-to video." "GAZ:" "It's "Flashdance." She's a welder, isn't she?" "DAVE:" "A welder?" "I hope she dances better than she welds." "Look at that." "Her mix is all to cock." "GAZ:" "What the fuck do you know about welding, any road?" "DAVE:" "More than some chuffing woman." "It's like Bonfire Night." "That's too much acetylene." "Them joints won't hold fuck all." "GERALD:" "Dave, we're looking for dancing, aren't we?" "GAZ:" "He's got the hump about ASDA." "LOMPER:" "Hey." "Cop a load of that." "IRENE CARA SINGING:" "What a feelin'" "I hear music now" "GERALD:" "What did I tell you?" "She's nifty on her pins." "IRENE CARA SINGING:" "you just come alive..." "GERALD:" "That, gentlemen, is what we are looking for." "DAVE:" "I can see him doing all that twizzling about bollocks." "GERALD:" "It's souped-up tango is that." "Teach any bugger in a week." "Even you, mate." "Even a fat bastard like me?" "yeah, I know what I am, so don't take the piss, you." "All right." "Two weeks." "LOMPER:" "Straight up." "IRENE CARA SINGING:" "What a feeling" "I can have it all" "Being is believing" "Being is believing..." "DAVE:" "I don't know, Gaz." "Jean reckons I should take... that security guard job down at ASDA." "GAZ:" "Jesus!" "Security?" "you're worth more than that, Dave." "DAVE:" "Jean don't think so." "I reckon there's summat going on with her and that bloke." "GAZ:" "The juggling bugger?" "No." "No way." "DAVE:" "Not as if I blame her." "GAZ: you can show her, Dave." "Nobody tells them Chippendales to go be security, do they?" "Rakin' it in, they are." "Two weeks." "That's what the man said, and he's not taking the piss." "DAVE:" "It's a thought." "It's more than a thought." "you think of Jean's face when she sees you... dancing like old fucking "Flashdance."" "Two weeks?" "Just like flashy tits?" "GAZ:" "That's what your man said." "Hey." "I can weld better than her and all." "GAZ:" "Ha ha!" "GERALD:" "Stop!" "No!" "No!" "Stop!" "LOMPER:" "What?" "GERALD: you stay still... and you go forward, OK?" "OK." "All right, Nathan." "["Hot Stuff" plays]" "GERALD:" "One, two, three-- No!" "No!" "No!" "Jesus Christ!" "All I want to do is get you in a straight bloody line!" "What do I have to do?" "HORSE:" "It's the Arsenal off-side trap, isn't it?" "The what?" "The Arsenal off-side trap." "Lomper here is Tony Adams, right?" "Any bugger looks like scoring... we all step forward in a line... and wave our arms around like a fairy." "DAVE:" "Well, that's easy." "OK." "Nathan." "GERALD:" "And one, two, three, four, go!" "ALL: yes!" "GERALD:" "Perfect." "Perfect." "DAVE:" "Well, you should have said." "GERALD:" "Come on." "Get in quick and wipe your boots." "Hey, put that back." "you'll break it." "DAVE:" "Just looking." "Bit posh, isn't it?" "GAZ:" "Right, then." "Are we right?" "Right for what?" "GAZ:" "Taking us kit off." "DAVE:" "Thought you were turning me into a fancy dancer." "GAZ:" "Listen, ladies, we are strippers, aren't we?" "GERALD:" "What, here?" "Now?" "ln this house?" "This is a good area, this is." "DAVE:" "Gaz, I dunno." "GAZ:" "If we can't get us kit off in front of ourselves... what chance have we got in front of all them lasses?" "Tops off." "Come on." "DAVE:" "Well, no looking." "And no laughing, you bastards." "GERALD:" "I used to have a proper job, me." "LOMPER:" "I ask you, what are we doing?" "GAZ:" "And the kegs." "GAZ:" "Horse by name, horse by nature?" "HORSE:" "Shut it, you." "How come you're so brown?" "No reason." "GUY:" "Someone's got a sun-bed." "It's Linda's, and, no, you bloody can't." "DAVE:" "What am I going to do about this?" "GAZ:" "It's not too bad." "From the front, like." "GERALD:" "Fat, David, is a feminist issue." "What's that supposed to mean when it's at home?" "I don't bloody know, do I?" "But it is." "DAVE:" "I try dieting." "I do try." "Seems I spent most of me fucking life on a diet." "The less I eat, the fatter I get." "LOMPER:" "So stuff yourself and get thin." "GUY:" "Shut up, saggy tits." "This mate of Linda's had this plastic stuff put on her... at this posh health club." "She lost pounds." "It were like magic." "What's it called, now?" "Anyway, it's like cling-film." "I've heard of that." "Cling-film?" "I'm not a chicken drumstick, Gerald." "GAZ: you wrap it around." "Reduce the fat." "GERALD:" "She swears by it." "[Doorbell rings]" "GERALD:" "you can't just take stuff." "MAN:" "Sorry, mate." "GERALD:" "I only owe him a hundred and twenty quid." "MAN ON RIGHT:" "That's all these'll fetch secondhand." "They're not secondhand." "MAN ON RIGHT:" "They are now, mate." "DAVE:" "Put down and piss off." "MAN ON RIGHT:" "Fucking hell!" "MAN:" "I think there's been a mistake." "We'll check with the office." "[Door closes]" "Cheers, lads." "DAVE:" "It's not bad, this stripping lark, is it?" "["The Stripper" plays]" "GERALD:" "Dave and Lomps, up the wing." "One, two, three, four." "Left touchline, three, four." "Right touchline, three, four." "Off-side trap, one, two... three, four." "Now the belt, three, four." "Now the shoes, three, four." "Now the socks, three, four." "Hang on!" "Carry on!" "Aah!" "[Music stops]" "NATHAN:" "That were crap." "GERALD:" "Give us a chance." "Even Madonna has difficulty getting her shoes and socks off." "you could have had me eye out." "I'm sorry." "LOMPER:" "What are you doing?" "They're bloody borrowed." "GAZ:" "We can use them for the show." "It's what them Chippendales do." "They put Velcro down the side, and then...all is revealed." "I'll sew 'em back up after." "LOMPER:" "Where did you learn to be an ace sewer then?" "NATHAN:" "Prison." "GAZ:" "Cheers, Nathe." "GAZ:" "Come on, Al." "It's me." "ALAN:" "Which is precisely why it's a hundred quid up front-- half price." "If I give you the club for nowt, you don't turn up... go back on your word..." "I'm left with an empty club on a Friday night." "GAZ:" "Course we'll turn up." "I haven't got one hundred quid!" "ALAN:" "If you told me what you were up to, it might help." "GAZ:" "I can't." "It's top secret." "ALAN:" "Sorry, youth." "All right, luv?" "Hi, Mum." "MANDY:" "What do you want?" "GAZ:" "All right, Mand?" "I'm gonna get you all your money." "Our money." "Nathan's." "Well, you know, for definite this time." "yeah, right." "That all?" "yeah." "GAZ:" "Well, no." "The thing is, Mand... you have to speculate to accumulate in business, like." "I'm not sure I'm hearing this." "I'm gonna get you the whole lot." "I just need a tiny bit." "you want some money?" "yeah." "Right." "I need someone in packing section." "Two-fifty an hour." "you can start now if you like." "you coming?" "Come on, Dad." "GAZ:" "Nathan, you can't do this, kid." "It's your savings." "NATHAN:" "I can." "I just need your signature." "It says in't book." "I'd like to take my money out, please." "GAZ: you bloody can't have it." "All right, luv." "It's sorted." "NATHAN:" "It's my money." "I want it." "One hundred pounds, please." "GAZ:" "When you're eighteen, you can walk in... and get it yourself, can't you?" "NATHAN:" "you said you'd get it back." "GAZ:" "I know, but you don't want to listen to what I say." "you said so." "I believe you." "you do?" "yeah." "Blimey, Nathe." "STEVE HARLEY SINGING:" "you've done it all you've broken every code..." "GERALD:" "Come on." "Come on." "One, two." "One, two." "One, two..." "And three... and four." "Good." "And twenty." "And one for luck." "Nine... ten!" "Unh!" "Unh!" "STEVE HARLEY SINGING:" "Blue eyes, blue eyes" "How can you tell so many lies?" "Come up and see me" "Make me smile" "I'll do what you want" "Running wild" "[Whistle blowing]" "Ha ha!" "[Whistle blows]" "GUY:" "What?" "LOMPER:" "Get off!" "GERALD: yeah!" "yes!" "Ha ha ha!" "GUY:" "It's not straight." "LOMPER:" "Give over." "It's only a poster." "[Laughing]" "GAZ:" "Christ all-bloody-mighty." "All right, sweethearts?" "SHERYL:" "Gary the lad." "What you up to, shifty?" "GAZ:" "Bit of this, bit of that, bit of the other." "Just a bit of advertising for some mates." "Oh, aye." "And who's gonna come and see your mates?" "We had the real thing up here the other day, you know." "GAZ:" "Well, us mates are better." "Better?" "How's that, then?" "GAZ:" "Well... this lot go all the way." "Stark naked?" "Don't they, lads?" "SHERYL:" "The full monty?" "you lot?" "Ha ha ha!" "Hellfire!" "That would be worth a look." "See you there, then." "[Women laughing]" "GAZ:" "Keep your hair on." "DAVE:" "No way, no, and never, in that order, kid." "HORSE:" "Excuse me?" "No one said anything to me about the full monty." "But you heard 'em." "We got to give 'em something your average stripper don't." "yeah, but me willy?" "I mean to say" "LOMPER: your willy?" "My willy." "GERALD:" "A laughingstock." "Totally." "Well, they're coming, aren't they?" "LOMPER:" "With a pair of scissors." "They know it's us, you know." "GAZ:" "And by closing time, every bugger in Sheffield... is going to know it's us whether we do it or don't." "We can either forget it, go back to fucking Jobclub... or do it and just maybe get rich." "And I tell you... folks don't laugh so loud... when you've a grand in your back pocket." "Now, are you in... or are you out?" "RADIO:" "Heavy rain is causing all sorts of problems... for drivers on the Pennines... where the A57's closed at Castletown." "So please avoid the area if possible." "The good news is that the outlook... for the rest of the week is much better... with the storms clearing by Friday... to leave the weekend warm and sunny." "Now back to the music." "Here's another disco classic from the seventies." "It's Donna Summer with "Hot Stuff."" "[Music plays]" "DONNA SUMMER SINGING:" "Sittin' here" "Eatin' my heart out waitin'" "Waitin' for some lover to call" "Dialed about a thousand numbers lately" "Almost rang the phone off the wall" "Lookin' for some hot stuff, baby, this evenin'" "I need some hot stuff, baby, tonight" "I want some hot stuff, baby, this evenin'" "Gotta have some hot stuff" "Gotta have some love tonight" "I need hot stuff" "I want some hot stuff" "GERALD:" "No." "GUY:" "Gerald." "Come on, mate." "Just an hour." "["We Are Family" playing]" "HORSE:" "There's some fit birds in there." "LOMPER:" "Nah, tits are too big." "HORSE:" "yeah?" "Didn't know they could be." ""Anti-wrinkle cream."" "Can fellas use this and all?" "GERALD:" "Do you mind, you?" "[Music stops]" "DAVE:" "I just pray they're a bit more understanding... about us, that's all." "HORSE: you what?" "DAVE:" "They're going to be looking at us like that." "What if, next Friday... four hundred women turn round and say..." ""He's too fat, he's too old..." ""and he's a pigeon-chested little tosser."" "HORSE:" "They wouldn't say that." "DAVE:" "He's just said her tits are too big." "That's different." "We're blokes." "DAVE: yeah, and?" "GERALD:" "I think she's got nice tits, actually." "LOMPER:" "I never said owt about her personality." "She's probably quite nice if you get to know her." "No, and they won't say nowt about your personality, neither." "Which is good, 'cause you're basically a bastard." "Bollocks to your personality." "This is what they're looking at, right?" "And I tell you summat, mate... anti-wrinkle cream there may be... but anti-fat-bastard cream there is none." "GUY:" "Uh, lads..." "DAVE:" "Oh, mother." "Bloody hell." "GUY:" "Gaz said he wanted something flashy, you know?" "Hey, it's top of the range." "Real leather-like." "DAVE: yeah, but... you don't get much for your money, do you?" "What day is it again?" "Monday." "And when are we on?" "Friday." "Dress rehearsal tomorrow." "[Sniffs]" "I think I'm gonna be sick." "HORSE:" "How can I read the instructions?" "There wasn't any." "No." "Well, maybe there's a part missing." "yeah, got that." "If that's what you call it." "Well, if it's all there, how come it's not working?" "What do you mean, in what sense?" "It's not working in the sense that it's not working." "No, I can't speak up." "Nothing's happening, you know what I'm saying?" "Nothing's getting bigger." "Well, this is an emergency, is this." "JEAN:" "What's the matter, big man?" "DAVE:" "I'm sorry." "Dave." "Dave." "DONNA SUMMER SINGING:" "Love with a warm-blooded lover" "Wanna bring a wild man back home" "Gotta have some hot love, baby, this evenin'" "I need some hot stuff, baby, tonight" "NATHAN: you're ahead." "Oh, give us a break, will you?" "GAZ:" "All right, kid." "Tell us straight." "We're not making the biggest arses of ourselves... in known universe, are we?" "GERALD:" "Dave, mate, can I have a word?" "In private, like?" "DAVE: yeah, suppose so." "GERALD:" "you won't tell anyone, will you?" "DAVE:" "No. your secret's safe with me." "GERALD:" "When I were about twelve... our school took us for swimming lessons." "Mixed classes." "you know--boys... and, uh... and girls." "Oh." "It were terrible, Dave." "I were there... standing at the side of pool in me trunks... with all these pretty lasses around in bikinis." "And, well, I..." "I got, uh..." "Well, I..." "I got a stiffy." "What did you do?" "GERALD:" "I jumped into deep end." "I nearly fucking drowned." "But what if it happens again?" "Think of that, eh?" "In front of four hundred women." "Gerald... you're talking to the wrong man." "GERALD:" "I thought you said it were just your mum." "HORSE:" "It's family, isn't it?" "What can you do?" "GERALD:" "Who the hellfire is that?" "HORSE:" "Oh, no." "It's Beryl, my niece." "NATHAN:" "Where's Dave?" "GAZ:" "Here, Dave." "Dave!" "What are you doing?" "DAVE:" "What does it look like?" "GAZ:" "We're on in three days." "Where the fuck are you?" "DAVE:" "I'm here-- working, earning--that's where." "Not pissing about." "End of chat." "GAZ:" "Dave." "Come on, Dave." "No." "GAZ:" "All right, then." "Ooh!" "Very nice." "DAVE:" "Gaz, please, don't." "GAZ:" "Come on, Mr. Security Guard, do your job." "Gazza." "GERALD:" "Horse, mate, get out there and tell them... there's a bit of a delay." "HORSE:" "They won't wait forever." "GUY:" "Ohh." "GAZ:" "Keep up, you fat bastard." "[Alarm sounding] Aah!" "Don't ever call me a fat bastard, all right?" "!" "All right?" "!" "GAZ:" "We need you, Dave." "I can't." "I just can't, all right?" "HORSE:" "Listen... just think of the most boring thing you can come up with." "That should keep it well in order." "Like what?" "Double glazing salesmen?" "HORSE:" "Gardening." "The Queen's speech." "GUY:" "Dire Straits' double album." "Nature programs." "GERALD:" "I like nature programs." "GUY:" "Aye, but they don't give you a hard-on, do they?" "Do they?" "Blimey, Gerald." "GERALD:" "Shut up!" "It's not funny." "It's medical." "[Laughter]" "He's not coming." "It's all right." "We can do without him." "["Rock and Roll Part Two" playing]" "GARY GLITTER SINGING:" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Uhh" "Ahh" "Ahh" "Pshoo" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "GUY:" "Come on." "GARY GLITTER SINGING:" "Hey!" "[Music stops]" "WOMAN:" "So your daddy dances in front of you, does he?" "When he's rehearsing." "We were dancing all right then and all." "GERALD:" "My feet are freezing." "DUTY SERGEANT:" "Right." "Name?" "GAZ:" "Gary Schofield." "[Softly] Gerald Arthur Cooper." "DUTY SERGEANT:" "What?" "Gerald Arthur Cooper." "HORSE:" "Barrington Mitchell." "Barrington?" "yeah." "DUTY SERGEANT:" "That one "R"?" "HORSE:" "No, two." "[Baby crying]" "GUY: [Whispering] Come on, Lomps." "[Both laughing]" "[Dogs barking]" "GAZ:" "Told you." "Robbing pipes, that's all." "INSPECTOR:" "My friend, no bugger robs pipes in the buff." "GAZ:" "We do." "Don't get your clothes dirty, do you?" "Well, don't fret, gents." "There's a right good laundry in Wakefield Prison." "GERALD:" "Eh?" "[Knock on door]" "OFFICER:" "Security camera tapes off the front desk." "INSPECTOR:" "What happened to the security guard?" "Uhh!" "[Laughter]" "MAN:" "I can't believe what I'm watching." "GERALD:" "you're always ahead there." "GAZ:" "you're bloody behind, more like." "GERALD:" "Look--Excuse me, can I borrow this for a second?" "[Giggling]" "GERALD:" "Shut up, will ya?" "Watch." "INSPECTOR:" "He's right. you're ahead." "GAZ:" "Oh, go bollocks." "[Groaning]" "LOMPER:" "No." "Shh!" "Shh." "Be quiet." "Come on." "Shh." "LOMPER:" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Oh!" "Shh." "Be quiet." "Me mum." "GUY:" "I've always wanted to meet your mum." "LOMPER:" "Shh." "Shh." "What do you mean I can't bloody see him?" "He's me son!" "I haven't even been charged." "Ask Smiler in there." "No charge." "DUTY SERGEANT:" "Sorry." "Social Services have requested an interview." "Have to make an appointment." "MAND:" "I've come to pick up my son." "DUTY SERGEANT:" "Oh, right." "Just a minute, madam." "GAZ:" "Listen, Mand, he's fine." "We've not been charged." "This is your great money-making enterprise--pornography?" "GAZ:" "Don't be daft." "We're trying to get your money." "MANDY:" "My money?" "Nathan's money." "Here he is." "Hi, Dad." "All right, kid?" "yeah, fine." "Hi, Mum." "MANDY:" "Come on, luv." "We're going now." "GAZ:" "Come on, Mand." "MANDY:" "Unemployed, maintenance arrears of 700 pound... and now you've been arrested for indecent exposure." "Still think you're a suitable father?" "He is trying." "See?" "It's a bit late." "Hang on." "MANDY:" "Look at yourself, Gary." "Just look at yourself." "MAN:" "All right, mate?" "LINDA:" "So..." "GERALD: yeah." "LINDA:" "And this has been going on how long?" "Uh... about six months." "LINDA:" "I can cope with losing the sun-bed... the car, the television." "I can even cope with the shame of everyone watching this." "But six months?" "Six bloody months!" "And you wouldn't say to me... to your wife." "I thought you liked them." "No, Gerald, I've never liked them." "[Knock on door]" "They've taken me sun-bed." "They've taken bloody everything." "Kept hold of your chips, though." "GERALD:" "House repossessed, wife thrown me out." "Guess what?" "I've just been offered that job." "GAZ:" "Congratulations." "All right, kid?" "Hiya." "Fancy a kick about in park?" "yeah." "[Car doors close]" "MANDY:" "Nathe?" "Hiya." "All right, luv?" "you shouldn't be here." "Says who?" "Read the lawyer's letter." "We're going swimming, Dad." "Do you want to come?" "I can't, kid." "Haven't brought me trunks, have I?" "We can go get them, can't we, Mum?" "GAZ:" "I can't, luv." "Why?" "I just..." "I just can't." "Sorry." "He's not allowed, is he?" "MANDY:" "Come on, luv." "[Car doors close]" "[Gaz kicks ball]" "GAZ:" "Dave." "Oi, you deaf git." "DAVE:" "What do you want now?" "I'm finished with it." "GAZ:" "We're all finished, Dave." "I'm a bloody marked man now." "DAVE:" "Sorry about your Nathan." "It's a bad one that." "GAZ:" "Ah..." "It's about Lomper." "DAVE:" "What's that pasty-faced chuffer want?" "GAZ:" "His mum died two days ago." "Ah." "Poor lad." "I'm sorry." "you couldn't borrow us a jacket for the funeral?" "Gaz." "Oh, come on, Dave." "It's not for me." "It's a funeral." "What color?" "Orange." "Orange?" "Black, for fuck's sake." "All right, look, I'll meet you by the doors." "Nice one." "Come on, then." "GAZ: you've got some time off?" "DAVE:" "Nah." "That Pick 'n' Mix were driving me crazy." "Besides, it's a funeral." "you ready?" "GAZ:" "Ready when you are." "[Alarm sounding]" "Yaah!" "Ha ha ha!" "[Cornet playing]" "[Brass band playing]" "GAZ:" "They bloody are, you know." "They're holding hands." "They're never." "Straight up." "DAVE:" "I never even hold hands with ruddy ladies, me." "Maybe I should." "Well, who'd have bloody thought it, eh?" "Ah, well, there's nowt as queer as folk." "Eh, Gaz, I said there's nowt as queer as folk." "GAZ:" "Shut up, Dave." "It's supposed to be a bloody funeral." "DAVE:" "I'm sorry." "WOMAN:" "Hey, look." "Who's that?" "It's that guy." "Show us your pecs!" "[Woman wolf whistles]" "SECOND WOMAN:" "Let's see your knob, boy." "[Woman whistling]" "WOMAN:" "They were together in the paper, weren't they?" "WOMAN:" "Have you been actively seeking work... over the last fortnight?" "HORSE: yeah." "WOMAN:" "Have you done any work, paid or unpaid... over the last fortnight?" "HORSE:" "No." "That's not what I've heard." "CONDUCTOR:" "Right, come on, you lot." ""Slaidburn."" "One, two, three, four." "[Band playing "The Stripper"]" "[Both singing "The Stripper"]" "GAZ:" "Go get shagged." "[Horn honks]" "GAZ:" "Oh, fuck." "ALAN:" "Hey, Patricia the stripper." "Bugger off." "Where have you bloody been?" "What's going on?" "I've had to buy in twenty barrels." "I've heard not a word from you." "Well, I hope they're sale or return." "you're joking." "you're bloody famous." "yeah, don't remind me." "ALAN: yeah, I've sold two hundred odd tickets." "How many?" "MANAGER:" "Well done, Gerald." "All the best." "GERALD:" "All right, sir." "MANAGER:" "Hey!" "Example for you there." "Hey, nice suit, Gerald." "yeah." "GERALD:" "Well, l--I best be off." "you never know." "There might be a job in it for you boys." "I'll see what I can do." "GAZ:" "All right, lads." "GERALD:" "Gaz." "GAZ:" "We're on." "We're bloody on." "What?" "We've sold two hundred tickets." "That's two grand already." "GERALD:" "It's a bit late for that." "I mean, fresh start, you know?" "GAZ:" "One more time, Gerald." "you got the rest of your fucking life to wear a suit, man." "HORSE:" "Come on, Gerald." "GUY:" "Aye, go on, Gerald." "Just once." "yes!" "GERALD:" "That's all." "Just tonight." "GAZ:" "How about it, Dave?" "Haven't you grown out of all that yet?" "Come on, mate." "Nah." "Sorry, lads." "DAVE:" "Jean?" "Jean, luv?" "There you are." "JEAN:" "I should've guessed... when you started wearing tottie lotion." "you never put it on for me, did you?" "DAVE:" "Jean?" "JEAN:" "But this..." "Never had you down for this sort of caper." "Explains a few things, at least." "No." "Look, I know it don't look good, but-- you're bloody right it don't." "All those nights you were late back... and stupid cow here... thought you were out looking for a job." "Well, no wonder." "No bloody wonder." "It's so obvious." "No." "I were with Gaz." "Honest." "JEAN:" "Oh, right!" "She's one of Gaz's little tarts, is she?" "Well, that makes sense." "She'd have to be to put up with this kind of shit." "DAVE:" "Hey, hey!" "Just listen, will ya?" "!" "It's nowt to do with any fucking women, all right?" "I'm..." "I were a stripper, right?" "Me and Gaz and some fellas... thought we could make a bob or two... out of taking us clothes off." "Strippers?" "All right, all right." "I know." "you... and Gaz... strippers?" "We weren't that bad." "Only I couldn't, could I?" "Why not?" "DAVE:" "Well, look at me." "JEAN:" "So?" "Jeanie, who wants to see this dance?" "Me, Dave." "I do." "[Loud conversations]" "GAZ:" "Women only, you tosser." "Women only." "It's on our posters, for fuck's sake." "No." "Nobody told me." "GAZ:" "Ohh." "Our blokes from pub are in there." "The bastards." "GERALD:" "Ah, you'll be all right, mate, once you're onstage." "GAZ:" "Once I'm onstage?" "What do you mean, once I'm onstage?" "I'm going nowhere near the fucking stage." "It's suicide, that's what it is." "Suicide." "[Gerald chuckles]" "[Crowd cheering for the show to begin]" "GAZ:" "Shit." "I'll give their money back." "Alan, announce it, please." "To four hundred horny punters?" "Ask me another one, kid." "ALAN:" "Hey, by heck... our old English teacher's on front row." "GAZ:" "We're gonna get torn to pieces." "They will if you don't get out there." "Have you ever seen... a zebra brought down by a pack of wolves?" "Marvelous, these nature programs." "Aren't they marvelous?" "GERALD:" "Oh, brilliant, aren't they?" "GUY:" "They are, aren't they?" "GERALD:" "Oh, pack it in." "DAVE:" "Not lost your bottle, have you, Gaz?" "Dave!" "Dave." "DAVE:" "There were nowt on telly, so I thought I'd give it a go." "Oh, I, uh, found this one wandering about outside." "NATHAN:" "Wouldn't let me in." "GAZ:" "What the bloody hell are you doing here?" "your mum'll go mad." "NATHAN:" "She's out front." "GAZ:" "ls she?" "Barry with her?" "NATHAN:" "She wouldn't let him come." "Said it were women only." "Lads, I can't hold them any longer." "It's now or never." "DAVE:" "Here we go." "We're bloody on." "Go get your jacket on." "LOMPER:" "Can't we leave us G-strings on, then, Gaz?" "GAZ:" "Perhaps you better had." "HORSE:" "No, we better hadn't." "DAVE:" "Listen, if we're doing this... then just this once, we're doing it right." "Now come on." "ALAN:" "All right, come on." "Put your hands together... and welcome Mr. Dave Horsefall." "[Women screaming]" "DAVE:" "OK, ladies and gents..." "MAN:" "Get off, chubby!" "DAVE:" "And you buggers up the back there." "MAN:" "Get on with it!" "All right." "yeah, we may not be young... we may not be pretty, we may not be right good... but we're here... we're live, and for one night only... we're going for the full monty!" "[Cheering]" "NATHAN: you can't miss it." "Not after everything." "GERALD:" "Come on, Gaz." "Hurry up." "GAZ:" "I'm sorry, lads." "Good luck, eh?" "[Music begins playing]" "TOM JONES SINGING:" "Huh!" "Baby, take off your coat" "NATHAN:" "I'm gonna get really annoyed with you in a minute." "They're cheering out there." "you did that." "Now get out there and do your stuff." "GAZ:" "God!" "Is there anyone I don't get bollocked by?" "NATHAN:" "Out!" "TOM JONES SINGING:" "Why don't you take off your shoes?" "Baby, take off your dress yes yes, yes" "MANDY:" "Go on, Gaz!" "TOM JONES SINGING:" "you can leave your hat on you can leave your hat on you can leave your hat on" "Go over there" "Turn on the light" "No" "All the lights" "Come back here" "Stand on the chair" "Ooh, baby" "That's right" "[Playing to music]" "Raise your arms in the air" "Ooh, ooh, ooh" "Now shake 'em" "yeah!" "yay!" "WOMAN:" "Go, Dave!" "TOM JONES SINGING:" "you give me reason to live you give me reason to live you give me reason to live you give me reason" "To live" "[Woman laughing]" "WOMAN:" "Go on!" "TOM JONES SINGING:" "Listen to what I say" "BACKGROUND SINGERS:" "you can leave your hat on" "JEAN:" "Oh, my God!" "TOM JONES SINGING:" "you can leave your hat on, baby" "Ooh hoo" "Yay!" "Yeah!" "BACKGROUND SINGERS:" "you can leave your hat on" "TOM JONES SINGING:" "Ooh ooh ooh hoo" "Ooh ooh ooh hoo hoo" "BACKGROUND SINGERS:" "you can leave your hat on" "WOMEN CHANTING:" "Monty!" "Monty!" "Monty!" "Monty!" "TOM JONES SINGING:" "Tell me, baby" "[Wild cheering]" "Tell me, baby" "BACKGROUND SINGERS:" "you can leave your hat on" "TOM JONES SINGING:" "Gotta hear it again" "Off!" "Off!" "Off!" "Off!" "BACKGROUND SINGERS:" "you can leave your hat on" "[Wild cheering]" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "TOM JONES SINGING:" "you can leave your" "Hat on" "Yeah!" "Leave your hat on, baby" "HOT CHOCOLATE SINGING:" "I believe in miracles" "Where you from you sexy thing?" "Sexy thing, you" "I believe in miracles" "Since you came along you sexy thing" "Where did you come from" "Baby?" "How did you know" "I needed you?" "How did you know" "I needed you so badly?" "How did you know" "I'd give my heart gladly?" "yesterday" "I was one of the lonely people" "Now you're lying close to me" "Makin' love to me" "I believe in miracles" "Where you from you sexy thing?" "Sexy thing, you" "I believe in miracles" "Since you came along you sexy thing" "Where did you come from" "Angel?" "How did you know" "I'd be the one?" "Did you know you're everything I prayed for?" "Did you know?" "Every night and day for?" "Every day" "Needing love and satisfaction" "Now you're lying next to me" "Givin' it to me" "I believe in miracles" "Where you from you sexy thing?" "Sexy thing, you" "I believe in miracles" "Since you came along you sexy thing" "Oh!" "Kiss me you sexy thing" "Touch me, baby you sexy thing" "I love the way you touch me, darlin' you sexy thing" "Ohh ho!" "It's ecstasy you sexy thing" "yesterday" "I was one of the lonely people" "Now you're lying close to me" "Givin' it to me" "I believe in miracles" "Where you from you sexy thing?" "Sexy thing, you" "I believe in miracles" "Since you came along you sexy thing" "Wow!" "Ohh, touch me" "Kiss me, darlin'" "I love the way you hold me, baby" "Uh-huh" "It's ecstasy" "Ohh!" "It's ecstasy you sexy thing, you" "Touch me, baby you sexy thing, you" "I love the way you kiss me, darlin' you sexy thing, you" "Oh, uh-huh, yeah" "Sexy thing, you sexy thing, you" "Love the way you hold me you sexy thing, you" "Keep on lovin' me, darlin' you sexy thing, you" "Keep on lovin' me, baby you sexy thing, you" "Ohh, uh-huh-huh" "Sexy thing"