" ( loud bang ) - ( cat meowing )" " Drop it." " ( gun clatters )" "Over budget or no over budget, I can't afford to lay off five agents." "There must be some mistake." "Sorry, Chief, but you know this computer." "It doesn't make mistakes." "Oh, then why did it pick Egypt over Israel in the six-day war?" " Who didn't?" " I need every available man I can get to find KAOS's munitions depot." "Let me see that layoff list again." "Agent 42, 54, 71, 99" "99?" "Why 99?" "It's based on seniority, Chief." "Those are the five agents who have been with us the shortest amount of time." "It's a terrible thing to happen." "Max and 99 just got married, and they bought all new furniture." "How are they going to pay for it?" "She can work as a babysitter like my wife does, Chief." "She makes $50 or $60 a week babysitting." "It works out great." "Your wife sits every day?" " No, only at night." " Then when do you see her?" "I don't." "I told you, it works out great." "I've got to get this over with or I'll never be able to sleep tonight." "Get 99 on the phone for me." "I can't." "She's out on a case with Max." "Well, that's even better." "I'll let Max tell her." " Get Max on the shoe phone for me." " Right, Chief." "Are you going to kill me?" "I have orders not to take any CONTROL agents alive." "All right, fella." "Hold it right there." "Now drop that gun before I let you have it." "You drop your gun or I'll let her have it." "You drop your gun or I'll let you have it" "Before you can let her have it." "Suppose I let her have it before you let me have it." "It'll do you no good to let me have it once she's already had it, right?" "Eh, could we take that again from the top?" "Just drop your gun and come down here." "( telephone ringing )" "Your shoe's ringing." "Hello, Maxwell Smart here." "Oh hi, Chief." "Eh" "Wait a minute, I'll find out." "Can I talk?" "Thank you." "It's okay, Chief." "I can talk." "Oh, really?" "That's great." "When did that happen?" "Don't be silly." "Of course I'm not upset." "I'm delighted." "Eh, I'll explain when I see you-- eh, if I see you." "What do I mean by "if I see you?"" "Yes, well, I'll explain that when I see you, Chief." "Goodbye." "What was that all about, Max?" "Great news, 99." "There's been a cutback at CONTROL, and you're no longer a CONTROL agent." "Well, why is that good news?" "Because if you're no longer a CONTROL agent, then he has no reason to kill you." "You're still a CONTROL agent." "Eh, yes, but I was thinking of quitting." "No matter." "I'm going to kill you both anyway." "Before you do, I have one last request." " Yeah, what's that?" " May I have a kiss?" "Well, certainly, 99." "No, Max." "Him." "Him?" "Well, okay." "You mean, you want to kiss me?" " Yes." " What kind of last request is that?" "Well, I don't smoke." "Why not?" " Ooh." " ( 99 gasps )" "Max!" "You shouldn't have taken a chance like that." " He could have shot you." " Well, you didn't think I was gonna stand around here and watch him kiss you." "Oh, Max, I'm wearing my knockout lipstick." "The minute he kissed me, he would have fallen unconscious." "Oh." "Well, why didn't you say so?" "Well, I thought you could tell from my strange request." "You don't think I'd kiss another man, do you?" "No, I guess not, 99." " I'm sorry." " Aw." "( theme music playing )" "You wanted to see me, Chief?" "Oh, yes, Max, we've got a lead on the KAOS munitions shipment." "But first, how is 99 taking it?" "Not too good, Chief." "As a matter of fact, right now she's out looking for a job." "Well, why is she doing that?" "The layoff is only temporary." "I know, Chief, but she's been a CONTROL agent for so many years that she just can't sit around the house and do nothing." "Well, if it makes her feel any better, just tell her I am not taking this sitting down." "I'm having that computer thoroughly checked out." "I never trusted it anyway." "( electronic malfunctioning )" "( whispers ) Keep your voice down, Chief." "It's very sensitive." "That computer has been with us for six years." "Why don't you trust it?" "Because it's the same computer that gave us an A-1 rating on you when we tested you for CONTROL." "Oh." "Now when we searched that KAOS agent that you captured last night, we found a key to a locker at the airport, and inside of that locker we found this box." "What do you think that is?" "Brown wrapping paper." "No, Max, I'm talking about this." "Do you know what this is?" "Sure, it's a 12-shooter." "Max, it's KAOS's new secret weapon." "It's a stereophonic pistol." "A stereophonic pistol?" "That's fantastic, Chief." "You mean, you can shoot a bullet from this barrel, and you can shoot a bullet from this barrel and if you stand in between, it's just like being there in person." " Something like that." " Does it also shoot monaural?" "Max, if KAOS succeeds in arming their agents with that pistol, they'll be able to outshoot us two to one." "Not only that, but it'll sound better." "So far they've only been able to arm four or five of their agents, but we've gotten word" "That a big shipment is coming in any day now." "Now what we have to do is find out where KAOS is going to hide these guns, and how they intend to distribute them to their agents." "What do you want me to do, Chief?" "Well, with this cutback in personnel, we're all going to have to double up on our surveillance." "Now we've to got to cover every single possible place in town." "Okay, Chief, you can count on me." "I'll be up first thing in the morning and I'll check out every topless restaurant in town." "Max, KAOS wouldn't hide guns in a topless restaurant." " They wouldn't?" " No." " Well, where would they store them?" " I don't know." "Oh." "Well, in that case, I'll check the topless restaurants." "( gasps )" "Oh, Max." "I did it again." "I'm so sorry." "Oh, that's my reflex from being an agent." "You really mustn't sneak up behind me like that, Max." "Come on, dear, I'll get you some coffee." " Ahh." " Max... never mind about the coffee, 99." "Never mind about the coffee." "I don't need any coffee." "I have a nice, full day ahead of me, and I have to be going now." "Max, the Chief called." "He wants you to check out the waterfront district right away." "Oh." "What about all those other places" "I was supposed to check out today?" "He said he checked them out last night." "Hmm." "Okay, I'll see you later." "Okay." "What's that?" "There are the want ads." "I'm looking for a job." "Oh." "Well, good luck." "Thank you." "Bye." "Oh!" "Max, I'm terribly sorry." "Well, I see you last worked as an airline stewardess." " That's right." " Oh." "What was your reason for leaving?" "I got married." "Oh, and the airlines wouldn't let you fly anymore?" "No, my husband wouldn't." "He's an airplane mechanic." "Oh." "Well, Mrs. Smart, you have an excellent employment record, but I'm just wondering if you'd really enjoy working here." "Oh, I'm sure I would." "I like a job where you come in contact with people." "Oh, well, I'll just take this back and get Mr. Marco's approval." "If I do get the job, when would I start?" " Could you start immediately?" " I don't see any reason why not." "Open that one." "Excellent." "Excellent." "Stack them over there." "( buzzer ringing )" "Yes?" "Marco, I think we found a new salesgirl." "Mrs. Maxwell Smart?" "Yes, that's her name." "Why?" "She's a CONTROL agent." "So is her husband." "You think she's here undercover?" "I don't know." "CONTROL is having economic problems." "She's one of five agents they just let go." "Well, we can't afford to take any chances." " I'll get rid of her." " No." "Hire her instead." " Do you think that's wise?" " Brilliant." "With her working here, we'll be able to monitor all phone calls with her husband." "We can find out if CONTROL suspects that this is the KAOS munitions depot." " And if they do?" " Then they may find a few guns, but they'll never find Mrs. Smart." "Yes, that's the corn popper." "That's four books, please." "2-1-7 please." "Yes, can I help you?" "I'd like one of these, please." "The George Wallace poster-- that's one book." "Mmm, no, you gave me two books." "The Wallace Poster is only one book." "Yes, but I'd also like a set of darts." "Oh, of course." "349 and 216, please." "Here we go." "That's $1.05 tax." "How are we doing, Mrs. Smart?" "Oh, just fine, thank you." "I wonder if you'd mind if I called my husband." "He doesn't know I got the job and I don't want him to be worried." " Oh, certainly, go right ahead." " Thank you." "( dialing rotary phone )" "Hello?" "Hello, Max." "I'm glad I found you in." "Oh, 99, I'm glad you called." "I was just about to leave." " Where are you?" " I got a job." "I'm working at the Knight Stamp Redemption Center." "Oh, that's great." "Listen, honey," "I may be home late for dinner tonight, but don't worry." "We got a tip on the whereabouts of the KAOS munitions depot." " That's wonderful, Max." "Where is it?" " ( alarm buzzing )" "Well, I'm not permitted to tell you, 99, but according to this tip, we think that KAOS is using an old silo on an abandoned farm about 45 miles out in the country." "Be careful, Max." "Don't worry, 99." "This is an all-out CONTROL raid." "Every available agent in Washington will be in on this." "I'll see you later." "It's the moment we've been waiting for." "CONTROL is off on a wild goose chase and it's the perfect opportunity to start our big push." "Dimitri, notify every one of our agents to report here immediately to pick up arms." "They're to ask for item 949-- the electric toaster." "The moment we have waited for has finally come." "KAOS is ready to launch its armed revolution." "We'll storm Congress." "We'll attack the Capitol." "And wipe out the Pentagon." "But make sure when they pick up their weapons that they pay the sales tax." "We don't want any trouble with the government." "I'll have a 949." "949, please." "949, please." " Here you go." " Give me a 949." "949, please." "Here we are." "I don't understand this." "Everyone who comes in here is asking for 949." "Why such a rush on toasters?" "I don't know." "Just keep working." "I'm sure we're going to run out." "Do we have enough in stock?" "I'll check." "You take over for me, okay?" " 949, please." " You too?" " Marco..." " What are you doing in here now?" "she's starting to ask questions." "I think she's beginning to get suspicious." "Well, we'd better move faster." " 949." " 949 for you." " Here you are." " Give me 949." "949." " And here's 949." " 949, please." "Here you go." "More 949s, please." "949." "( upbeat music plays )" "Sonja, you better get back out there and watch her closely." "How are you doing, dear?" "Oh, I'm so glad you're back." "I'm absolutely exhausted." "I wonder if you'd do me a favor." "Could you take over here while I go back" " and freshen up a little bit?" " Certainly." "99 calling CONTROL, 99 calling CONTROL." "99, how nice to hear from you." "Tell me, what are you doing with yourself?" "Chief, I've taken a job and the place" "Chief:" "Max told me you were going to work." "That's a wise thing, 99." "It'll keep you occupied." "Listen, Chief, I can only talk for a minute." "I think I've stumbled onto the KAOS munitions depot." " What?" "Where?" " At the place where I'm working." "Well, what's the name of the place?" "It's on 4th and Vermont." "It's called "Knight"-  ( click off ) - 99?" "Did you want to see me, Chief?" "Yes, 99 has discovered the location of the KAOS munitions depot." "But before she could tell me more, the line went dead." "So what did you want to see me about, Chief?" "Larrabee, we've got to find out where 99 is working." "That's where the KAOS munitions depot is." "Did she say anything that could give us a clue?" "All she had time to tell me was that it was on 4th and Vermont." "4th and Vermont." "I know that area, Chief." "There's a gas station, a jewelry store, a delicatessen-- that's it, Chief." "It must be the delicatessen." "Larrabee, why would they use a delicatessen for a munitions depot?" "And if they did, how would they get the guns to their agents?" "I know that delicatessen, Chief." "They deliver." "We've got to contact Max immediately." "He'll know where 99 is working." "Get him on the shoe phone for me right away." "Right, Chief." " ( phone rings )" " Hello." "Hi Chief, this is Max." "( cow moos )" "Chief:" "Oh, Max, thank goodness you called." "Chief, we've located the silo." "Max, forget about the silo." "Just tell me where 99 is working." "She's working at the Knight Stamp redemption center on Vermont." "We've got the farm surrounded, Chief." "Chief:" "Max, forget about the farm." "Just get back to town as soon as you can, and meet us at Knight Stamp redemption center." "Right, Chief, as soon as we execute plan B." "Max, you're working on a false lead." "99 has inadvertently discovered that the Knight Stamp redemption center is the KAOS munitions depot." "So forget about plan B. Don't blow up that silo." " I wish you'd told me that before." " Why?" " ( explosion ) - ( chickens clucking )" "That's why." "Hurry back, Max." " Right, Chief." " ( cow grunts )" "I tried to get Max, Chief, but his shoe phone was busy." "It was busy because he was calling us." " You were just talking to him?" " Yes." "Well, no wonder." "I tried to get you to tell you that" "Max's line was busy, but your line was busy." "Max is going to meet us at the stamp redemption center, but we'd better get there right away to try to save 99." " Right, Chief." " Now we'd better stop by Wardrobe" " And pick up some disguises." " What for?" "Larrabee, every KAOS agent in Washington will be going in and coming out of the redemption center." "They're sure to recognize us." "Oh, really?" "Sonja:" "949, please." "I feel like a darned fool standing here dressed like this." "I'm sorry, Chief, but the only thing they had left in Wardrobe was that dress and a miniskirt." " 949, please." " Well, you're not wearing a miniskirt." "Of course I'm not." "This happens to be my own dress." "Larrabee, is there something about you I don't know?" "I kept this as a souvenir." "I played "Charley's Aunt" in college." "949, please." "That's the 11th person who has asked for a 949 since we've been standing here." "Obviously, they're distributing the guns in toaster cartons." "I don't see any sign of 99." "They've probably got her hidden in the back." "As soon as we get to the counter, I'll make our move." "Next." "( using falsetto ) 949, please, the electric toaster." "Did you say 949?" "( regular voice ) That's right." "( alarm buzzing )" "( sighs ) The last of our agents just left." "I'll close up and lock the front door." "Excellent." "Our task is completed." "And now I see no need to keep these three alive any more." "Max's voice:" "Hello, anybody here?" "It's Maxwell Smart." "Hello, anybody here?" "If we don't answer, maybe he'll go away." "We can't take a chance on arousing his suspicions." "You go out there and tell him his wife left here 15 minutes ago." "I'll keep you covered." "Oh, I'm sorry, but we're closing for the night." "Oh, yes, well, you see my wife works here, and I was supposed to pick her up and take her home." " You must be Mr. Smart." " Yes, that's right." "Oh, well, your wife finished work and left for home about 15 minutes ago." "What the" "Oh!" "What's that?" " That's a conveyor belt." " Oh." " Max!" " My wife's on it." "My wife's on it?" " Max." " 99!" "This is no time to be surfing." "Max, the Chief and Larrabee are tied up in back." "No, you can't go back there." "All right, drop it." "Be careful Max, there's another agent in here somewhere." "Don't worry, Chief, I'll get him." "( gunshot )" "Hold it, Mr. Smart." "Drop the gun." "( gunshot )" "Good!" "Good, Max, good!" " ( gun clicks )" " Not good, Max, not good." "Go get 'em, Max." "Attaboy." "You got him." "You got him, Max." "How do you know?" "Marco:" "That's enough, Mr. Smart." "You will now have the honor of being the first recipient of two bullets from KAOS's new stereophonic pistol." "( gun clicks, '60s music plays )" "Those Japanese..." "When we specified "stereophonic,"" "they took us literally." "That means every KAOS agent in Washington is armed with a radio." "All right, Marco, don't try to escape." "This building is completely surrounded by CONTROL agents." "99, you're going to get a commendation for this." "I don't care what the computer says, you're going back to work." "Than you, Chief." "Okay, Chief, I'll untie you first," "Then you, 99." "Chief, I don't understand how you ever thought you could fool anybody with a ridiculous disguise like this." "I'll get to you in a moment, lady." "( theme music playing )"