"Oh!" "Brain freeze." "Brain freeze." "Hang in there, it'll pass." "Going." "Going." "Going... okay, okay, I'm good." "Oh!" "Brain freeze." "Brain freeze." "I don't think "brain freeze" is an accurate description here." "ALAN:" "Oh, jeez." "It's Mom." " Ah, great." " Who's that she's with?" "CHARLIE:" "I don't know." "They haven't been dating long." " How can you tell?" " He's still smiling." " Let's get out of here before she sees us." " How?" "They're standing in the door." "We'll go out the back." "JAKE:" "Hey, look." "I'm a rabid dog." "[GROWLING]" " Ah, damn it." " Plan B?" " Bathroom." "JAKE:" "But I don't have to pee." "CHARLIE:" "Go!" "Go!" "Now what?" "We just wait here till they leave?" "Would you rather go out there and chat with Mom and her new boyfriend?" "Hey, Evelyn, get me a muffin too." "Whoo!" "Somebody was drinking more than coffee." "Gonna be long?" "JAKE:" "I don't know." "[CHARLIE WHISTLING "BINGO"]" "[JAKE JOINS IN WHISTLING]" "[ALAN JOINS IN WHISTLING]" "JAKE:" "And Bingo was his name-o" " All yours." " Thanks." "[WHISTLING]" "Thanks." "So listen, when you guys are done screwing around in here your mother would like to talk to you." "JAKE:" "Can I come out now?" "Hey, look who's here." "It's Mom." "Hi, Mom." "Oh, stop it, both of you." "I can't believe I'm such a horrible person, you have to hide from me." " We weren't hiding." " Which does not invalidate your premise." "Uh, Jake had, uh, stomach problems." "Don't put this on me." "I apologize for my children." "No problem." "Teddy Leopold." "Oh, hi." "Uh, Alan." "This is my brother, Charlie." "My son, Jake." "TEDD Y:" "How you doing?" "Evelyn's told me a lot of wonderful things about you boys." "Not buying it, huh?" "I tried." "Teddy lives in Denver, but he does a lot of business in L.A so I helped him find a pied-?" "terre in Century City." "What's a pied-?" "terre?" "It's French for a place to play hanky-panky with Grandma." " Mom!" " Mom!" "Oh, relax, it's not gonna scar him." "Yeah, but what about us?" "Well, it was nice meeting you." " We've gotta bring the kid to his mother's." " Again you're putting it on me?" "Nice to meet you too." "Yeah, bye-bye." "See you, Mom." " Bye, Mom." " Bye." "JAKE:" "Wait, I have to pee." "CHARLIE:" "You've peed enough." "[MAN SPEAKING OVER TV, PHONE RINGING]" "Teddy Leopold." "Do we know a Teddy Leopold?" "It's Mom's new boyfriend." "Oh, right, of course." " Aren't you curious why he's calling?" " Not particularly." "What if something happened to Mom?" "Then we'll just wait for Dorothy to bring us the broom." "Give me the phone." "[PHONE BEEPS]" "Hello?" "Uh, no, no, this is Alan." "Hi, Teddy." "What's up?" "Uh-huh." "Oh..." "Wow." "Heh." "That is quite an offer." "I..." "I'd love to." "Hang on, I'll ask him." " Teddy has invited us..." " I'm busy." " You at least wanna hear what it is?" " Nope." "Charlie can't make it, but can you still take me?" "Really?" "Heh-heh." "Gee, thanks." "I'll, uh..." "Guess I'll see you then." "[PHONE BEEPS]" "[ALAN CHUCKLING]" "[SINGSONGY] You're gonna be sorry." "[SINGSONGY] You're gonna be homeless." "Why do you always have to play that card?" "Look, Alan, I have no interest in hanging out with Mom's boyfriend du jour." "Why not?" "He seems like a great guy." "He might be the greatest guy but he'll end up like every other husband or boyfriend she's ever had." "Either she'll dump him, he'll dump her, or he'll die under suspicious circumstances." "No matter what, you're left standing on the curb with your fishing pole on the first day of summer vacation waiting for a Chrysler LeBaron that never comes." "Okay, this isn't about Teddy, is it?" "Hey, hey." "You wanna be buddies with this guy, go right ahead." "I've got better things to do." "Better than ringside seats to the Heavyweight Championship fight at Caesars Palace tomorrow night?" "What?" "Ringside." " Ringside?" " Any closer and we'd be sitting in the spit bucket." "Should I call him back and tell him you changed your mind?" "No, no." "No." "He's just using us to get closer to Mom." "When we were kids it was Disneyland and cotton candy." "Now it's ringside seats." " And a private plane." " He's got a private plane?" "And a limo and a penthouse suite." "Oh." " Still not interested?" " No." " Still have better things to do?" " Yup." "Ah." "Do you realize what a stubborn child you sound like?" "I do." " You're not gonna give it up, are you?" " Not a chance." "[SIGHING] Okay, then, good night." "Good night." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "ALAN:" "Oh, boy, Teddy's here." "Charlie, Teddy's here." "Oh, boy." "Hi, Al, you all packed?" "[CHUCKLING] Are you kidding?" "I packed last night." "I was too excited to sleep." "Terrific." " Where's Charlie?" " Out on the deck." " Give me a minute, I wanna say hi." " All right." " Can I go sit in the limo?" " Knock yourself out." "There's sushi." "ALAN:" "Sushi in a car." "Oh, boy." "This is your other plans?" "Not all of them." "Later I'm gonna go inside and watch some girl-on-girl porn." "Beautiful." "Look, I still have an extra ticket to the fight and there's plenty of room on the plane." "No, thanks." "Did I do something to tick you off?" "You know, aside from slipping it to your mother." "No, no." "It's just I'd prefer not to get involved in her personal life." "I'm not asking you to get involved in her life." "I'm asking you to come to Vegas with me and see a fight." "Yeah, but why?" "I don't know, you seem like a nice guy." " Don't you have your own friends?" " Charlie, when you get to be my age most of your friends are either married or dead." "What's the difference?" "The dead ones smell up my plane." "Come on, throw some clothes on and let's go have some fun." "[SIGHS]" "Ah, what the hell." "Just do me a favor." "Let's keep this between us." "I want your mother to think that I went on a business trip." "No problem." "My mother still thinks I went to college." "Beautiful." "[INDISTINCT CHATTER]" "Hey, Charlie?" "You need anything?" "Teddy, if I was any happier, my pants would be wet." "Hey, Teddy, can we get some gelato after the fight?" "Anything you want, kid." "[CHUCKLING] Gee, thanks." "Hiya." "What's up?" "Yeah." "I've never really been a big fan of the pugilistic arts but I have to admit, I'm getting kind of swept away in the pageantry of the event." "Uh-huh." "I like your bling very much." "I, uh, tried a pierced ear once, but it got horribly infected." "Hey, uh, you know where we could score some good gelato?" "No." "Word." "I think that might be that Snoopy fella." "Terrific." "[CELL PHONE RINGS]" "Hello?" "Oh, hi, Evelyn." "Yeah." "How are you, sweetheart?" "Good, good." "Where am I?" "[BELL RINGS, CROWD CHEERS]" "San Francisco." "Uh, I'm going into a meeting, uh, can I call you back?" "Love you too, sweetie." "Love you." "You're very good." "Yeah." "I've got 5 grand on the big Russian." "Either of you fellas like to have a piece of my action?" " I'll take half." " Attaboy." "How about you, Alan?" "Aw, what the heck, I'm in Vegas." "Heh-heh." "Put me down for 20..." "No, $25." "[BELL RINGS, CROWD CHEERS]" "Make it 20." "[PUNCH THUDS]" "[CROWD CLAMORING]" "REFEREE:" "One." "Two." "Three." "Four." " Five." "Six." " How do you say "get up" in Russian?" "REFEREE:" "Seven." "Eight." "Nine." "Ten." "TEDD Y:" "Unbelievable." "An 18-second fight." "It takes me longer to start peeing." "Yeah, thanks so much for giving me half your action on the guy." "No problem." "You want the other half?" "No, I'm good." "[GAME CHIMING]" "Oh, yeah, baby." "Twenty dead presidents." "I'm even." "Was he a preemie?" "Actually, we both were." "My mom waits nine months for nothing." "Hey, fellas, I wanna show you something." "What do you think?" " Nice." " Yeah." "Who's it for?" " Your mother." " No, seriously." "I know it's kind of old-fashioned, but I wanted to run it by you guys before I asked her." "Ask her what?" "Charlie, I love your mom." "I wanna marry her." "But..." "But you could do so much better." "That's no way to talk about your mother." "That's precisely the way to talk about my mother." "Charlie, be supportive." "I thought I was being supportive." "Regardless of what you guys think about her, Evelyn is a great broad." "I wanna marry her and I would like your blessing." " You've got my blessing, Teddy." " Shut up and eat your gelato." "Come on, Charlie, wouldn't it be great to have a dad again?" "I'm a grown man, Alan." "I don't need a father anymore." "Would any of you gentlemen like a date?" "Sorry, doll, I'm taken." "But I wouldn't mind footing the bill for my two boys here." "Hi, I'm Amber." "I'm Tiffany." " Thanks, Daddy." " Thanks, Daddy." " Hey." " Hey." " What are you doing?" " Nothing." "Nothing." "How was work?" "You don't care about my work." " What's under the pillow?" " Hey, hey, hey." "Modern Bride?" " I just read it for the articles." " Really?" "Okay." "I was looking for ideas because I thought it would be nice if we had the wedding for Teddy and Mom here in the house." "Oh, my God." "You're a mind reader." "I didn't wanna bring it up, because I was afraid you might say no." "But I was up all night doing research." "Now, I'm thinking a sunset ceremony with the guests gathered on the beach below as the bride and groom cross onto the deck wearing Polynesian wedding garb surrounded by tropical flowers and tiki torches." "Okay, what about it don't you like?" "Because I was a little iffy on the tiki torches." "You're a little iffy in so many ways." "Okay, we can hammer out the details later." "The thing to remember is we're doing this for someone we love." " Teddy." " Teddy." "Okay, I'm out of here." " Berta, did you hear the news about Mom?" " Yeah, she joined the Mormon Church so she can get a rent-controlled apartment in Salt Lake City." "Oh, you mean your mom." "No." "We're getting a new dad." " His name is Teddy." " He took us to a boxing match." "He bought us prostitutes and gelato." "Well, congratulations." "I'm real happy for you, boys." " Thanks." " Thanks." "I think my news was far more interesting." " I'm gonna call Teddy, tell him our plan." " Oh, great." "Ask him how he feels about tiki torches." " Hey, Teddy, it's Charlie." " And Alan." "Hi, Teddy." "Yeah, Alan says hi." "Listen, we've been thinking about the wedding..." "[SOFTLY] Tiki torches." "What?" " You're kidding." " What?" "CHARLIE:" "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "Wow." "I don't believe it." " What?" " Mom turned him down." "Ah!" "That bitch." "Gee, Teddy, I don't know what to say." "I..." "I feel terrible." "Well, this doesn't mean we couldn't still hang out, right?" "So you'll call us?" "Great." "Great, look forward to it." "All right." "Bye-bye." "[CHARLIE SIGHS]" "I know that tone of voice." "We'll never hear from him." "No tiki torches?" "I don't understand." "How could Mom say no to him?" " He was perfect for her." " Forget her." "He was perfect for us." "I'm closing the door to my heart, Charlie." "It just hurts too much." "Screw it, this isn't over." "Come on." "Where are we going?" "We are gonna talk some sense into our mother." "Really?" "It's hard to imagine that turning out well." "CHARLIE:" "Mom?" "Mom, where the hell are you?" " Maybe she's not home." " She's home." "Her car's in the driveway, the alarm's not on." "Mom!" "Boys, I gave you that key for emergencies, not to barge in on me like the Gestapo." "We wanna talk to you about Teddy." "Teddy?" "Why in the world would you wanna talk about Teddy?" " Because we love Teddy." " And you broke his heart." "Hang on a second, you met the man for five minutes in a coffee shop." "Well, it was a good five minutes." "MAN:" "Evelyn?" "Hey, what the hell's going on?" "I'll be right with you, sweetie." "Look, this is not the best time." "Come on, Evie, the viagra's starting to make my ears burn." " Who are these clowns?" " Oh, Hugo, darling these are my sons, Charlie and Alan." "Wait a minute, you didn't tell me you had any kids." "I sure didn't sign on for any kids." "Just give me a minute, darling." "I'll be right with you." "If I wanted to see any kids, I'd go visit my own." "How old are these nuts?" "From over here, they look about a hundred." "Mom, what about Teddy?" "Can we please have this conversation another time?" "No, no." "No, we are having it right now." "What do you want me to say?" "Teddy's fine, I like Teddy." "But he's ready to settle down and I'm not." "I want my freedom." "Okay, I get freedom, but come on, Teddy's way better than this guy." "As I said, Teddy's fine but there are some areas in which he just doesn't measure up to Hugo." " Oh, God!" " Oh, Mom!" "It's the biggest I've ever seen." "Makes it won'th eating dinner at 3:30." " But..." "But Teddy..." " I don't wanna hear it." "You have no say in this." "This is my life, and right now I don't wanna be tied down." "I want options." "[THUD]" "Hugo?" "Hugo?" "Oh, God, no." "Quick, somebody give me the phone." "Come on, come on." " Here, here, here." " Oh, God." "Come on, come on, come on." "Hello, Teddy?" "Oh, I'm so glad I caught you in." "I hope you can forgive me, Teddy." "I just needed time to think about it." "It's like they say, "You don't know what you've got till it's gone."" "Yes." "Yes, my darling, I love you too." "Well, I'll be right over." "Mwah." "[SIGHS]" "Could someone please put a sheet over him?" "Mom, shouldn't we call 911?" "Well, call whoever you want, the man is dead." "You're really gonna leave and go to Teddy's?" "Well, I can't very well invite him over here." "All right." "She's going back to Teddy." "Hey, hey, hey, a little respect?" "Oh... oh, yeah." " Okay." "Who's our daddy?" " Teddy!" "Right." "[ENGLISH SDH]"