"Jim, I need you to go to the store and pick up these things for me." "Honey, I can't right now." "I'm..." "I'm playing with the kids." "Oh, really?" "Mmm-hmm." "And what are you playing?" "We're playing this game called..." "Sleeping..." "Give me that." "No, hold it." "Hold it, hold it." "No way." "I don't go down that aisle, honey." "If those things really have wings, let them fly to the house on their own." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Oh, baby!" "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "Oh!" "Jim." "For God's sakes, let him in." "No, no, no." "Not yet." "Not yet." "Another 28 seconds and we get free pizza." "Jim, you do this every time." "You know if we don't pay him, it comes right out of Ronnie's pocket." "Don't you ever get tired of caring for other people?" "Besides, it's built into their overhead." "It's like hotels." "They expect you to steal towels and TVs." "Hey, Ronnie, come on in." "Hey!" "You know what time it is?" "I got quarter to..." "Free!" "Okay, it's free." "I don't care." "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "What kind of game is that?" "That's not our game." "The game is, I say I want the pizza free, and you give me a dirty look and threaten to pee in the bushes." "That's the fun stuff." "I don't really feel like it." "What's the matter?" "Just got in a big fight with my old man." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Yeah, he wants me to go to college, and I don't want to go." "Oh, well." "No big deal." "But we're barely speaking." "Yeah, that happens, you know." "He's closing the pizzeria." "What?" "He figures why bust his hump if he doesn't have to pay tuition, so..." "You gotta stop him." "I mean, my family moved into this neighborhood for two reasons, great schools and Speedy Tony's Pizzeria." "Personally, I don't care about the schools." "Ronnie, why don't you want to go to college?" "I want to be a stand-up comic." "Oh, yikes!" "Jim." "No, no, no, no." "That's great." "There's a big shortage of them." "Hey, hey, hey." "You know what I always thought was funny?" "What if dogs could talk?" "I mean, what would they say?" "(LAUGHING) You can have that." "Thanks." "I married her for her looks." "I married him for his money." "I win!" "(LAUGHING)" "Okay, Ronnie, here you go." "I hope things work out." "Thanks." "Yeah." "Bye, Ronnie." "Goodbye." "And if you want to catch my act," "I'm at Monty's Comedy Cave every Friday night." "Oh, that sounds great." "I'll give you directions." "Oh, no." "That's all right." "It's a cave, people are laughing." "We'll find it." "Okay." "Good night." "Good night." "(EXCLAIMS) It is so sad, isn't it?" "Yeah." "I mean, what's going on between Ronnie and his dad." "Oh, yeah." "Fathers and sons." "What are you gonna do?" "Well, I think you could relate, considering what happened between you and your dad." "Oh, my God, Cheryl." "Why does everything have to be about something else?" "Believe it or not, sometimes a father can walk out on his 11-year-old son and the kid is okay with it." "Okay, Jim." "Okay." "Hey, why don't we stuff our feelings with some pizza?" "Okay, girls!" "What do you love more than anything?" "GIRLS:" "Pizza!" "What kind of pizza?" "Free pizza!" "Free pizza!" "ANDY:" "Okay, that's more test pizzas." "Got Ugolini's, Adello's, and Crust of the Earth." ""Crust of the Earth"?" "Sounds healthy." "Yeah." "Tofu toppings." "Toss it." "No, you..." "Are you telling me, Jim, that not one of these pizzas is as good as Speedy Tony's?" "That's exactly what I'm telling you." "I like this one, Daddy." "Me, too." "What do you guys know?" "You eat your own boogers." "This is terrible!" "All of a sudden you have a sensitive palate?" "I've seen you eat a jar of mayonnaise." "That was Miracle Whip, and I won 10 bucks." "CHERYL:" "Oh, yeah." "And diarrhea for a week and a half." "(BOTH GIGGLING)" "(CHUCKLING) I love that you share our family things..." "I don't think this is fair at all." "Why should I have to suffer because Ronnie and his father can't work things out?" "This is just like that movie Billy Elliot." "Remember?" "Where the kid wants to dance and the father's against it?" "Didn't anyone see it?" "I saw Stuart Little." "I saw Snow Dogs." "I saw Stuart Little and  Snow Dogs." "Hey, Tony?" "That's me." "For here or to go?" "Well, I'll take a large to go and I'll have a medium while I'm waiting." "It's a nice place you got here, Tony." "Word on the street is that you're closing." "Where'd you hear that?" "On the street." "No, actually I heard it from your son, Ronnie." "You know my Ronnie?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, I know Ronnie." "He's a good kid." "Hey, Tony, I gotta tell you, I really love your pizza." "I mean, it just fills my heart with joy, and probably a lot of other bad stuff, but it's worth it." "I just want to know, what can I do to help you keep this place open?" "You can get my kid to go to college." "But he doesn't want to go to college." "He wants to be a stand-up comic." "Stand-up comic!" "(SPITS)" "I didn't really spit on the dough just then." "You know... (SPITS)" "Well, if that's your secret, feel free." "Now, Ronnie needs an education." "First, you pay the rent, then you throw your life away." "In that order." "But maybe Ronnie can pay the rent being a stand-up comic." "You don't know." "He could be really good." "Have you ever seen him perform?" "No, and I'm not going to." "Now, what do you want on your pie?" "All right, all right." "Uh, I want it layered." "I want crust, sauce, pepperoni, cheese, pepperoni..." "BOTH: ...cheese, sauce, cheese, bacon, cheese." "(EXCLAIMS IN ITALIAN)" "You're 412 Maple Street." "You single-handedly paid for my above-ground pool." "Ira, Juan." "412 Maple Street is here." "Well, you know." "You honor us by coming here." "(CHUCKLING) I do, huh?" "Well, you know what?" "You could honor me." "By going to see your son perform on Friday night." "I'm sorry." "Friday night's my busiest night." "Oh." "Really?" "So, your pool." "Must be refreshing after a full day working behind that oven, huh?" "Curse you, 412 Maple Street." "I'll be there." "(SPITS)" "Did..." "That time, I did spit." "Give it up for Jeffrey Egan and his good pal Woody McNasty." "They were good." "All right, now, a comic who tells us he's not from the upper crust, he's from the pizza crust." "Give a warm welcome to pizza boy Ronnie Butera!" "Butera!" "If he does a joke about a talking dog, he got it from me." "(LAUGHING) That's funny!" "I always wondered what they would say if they could talk." "That's the beauty!" "Everybody does." "No." "Nobody does." "Hey, hey!" "JIM:" "Ronnie!" "RONNIE:" "Hey, how you doing?" "My name's Ronnie, and I deliver pizzas for a living." "Oh, you may not be happy to see me now, but when you're hungry after sex," "I'm Santa Claus and it's Christmas morning." "(LAUGHING LOUDLY)" "You've been there, right?" "Okay." "Well, what's the deal with pizza, anyway?" "I mean, it's shaped like a circle, you eat it in triangles , box is square." "I mean, am I having a meal here or a geometry lesson?" "(AUDIENCE CHATTERING)" "Then do me a favor, will you?" "Just because you order Canadian bacon, don't try paying with Canadian money." "You see, that's funny because that money's worthless." "You see?" "One final thought." "Crazy bread..." "Not so crazy." "(MAN COUGHING)" "Okay." "Well, you've been awesome." "Thankyouverymuch." "Peace out, Chicago!" "Oh, boy!" "(SIGHING) Okay, let's get out of here before I forget how to laugh." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Hold it now." "Hold it now." "Where do you think you're going?" "I'm late." "I got a date with your mother." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "My mother died three years ago, man." "Oh." "Okay!" "Now, our next performer thinks that a basket of fruit plus a chainsaw equals funny." "Please welcome the great Kangane!" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "(CHAINSAW REVVING)" "So, that was nice, huh?" "It was embarrassing." "Nobody laughed." "My drink cost $8.50." "Come on, will you give the kid a break?" "Drinks are $8.50?" "God, I had two of them!" "Hey, Pop." "Sorry you came on such a rough night." "Oh, yeah." "That audience was really bad." "Hey, Ronnie, let me ask you." "Do we get reimbursed for our drinks 'cause we're your guests?" "So, what did you think?" "I think if you don't go to college, you're gonna end up a bum on the street." "Then I'll be a bum!" "Okay." "Okay!" "Let's relax here." "Okay, you guys?" "Sit down and talk about this." "See?" "He's not even my father and he's more supportive of me than you are!" "Then go and live with him!" "Oh, no." "No, no." "Not family." "Not family." "Just a customer." "Hey, where you going?" "You gotta talk to this boy." "He's a bum!" "Well, you're a jerk!" "Send me a postcard from Bumville!" "Why don't you send me a postcard from the place where jerks live?" "Jerktown, or Jerkville, or New Jerky, or Jerkopolis." "This is the worst night of my life." "Well..." "See you." "You gonna be okay?" "Oh, yeah." "Hey, man," "I could sleep in my car." "You can't sleep in your car." "Why don't you come and stay with us?" "Thanks." "We'd like to go now." "Wow." "What a night, huh?" "CHERYL:" "Honey?" "Yeah." "Did you invite anybody else to live with us while I was in the shower?" "Well, he's a good kid!" "I like the boy." "Too bad his father's being such a pig head." "(EXCLAIMS) Jim, maybe he's just looking out for his son's future." "Why are you taking Tony's side?" "Why don't the two of you just move in together, and you can swim naked all day long in his above-ground pool?" "Why am I always swimming naked with people who don't agree with you?" "That's a question you're gonna have to ask yourself, Cheryl." "You know, Jim, it is so nice of you to let Ronnie stay here, but he's really gonna have to call his father tomorrow and work this thing out." "Wrong!" "We're not making a move until he calls us." "Wow!" "You're really passionate about this." "I think you may be getting caught up in the romance of having a pizza boy staying in the house." "Cheryl." "Your grandmother stayed here for a month and I didn't complain once." "(CHUCKLING) Please!" "You did nothing but complain." "Okay, then." "I think it's time you be the better person." "I can't believe Ronnie's still here." "Why?" "You don't have a pizza boy living at your house?" "He's not living here." "Well, what do you call someone who's around all the time, acts like it's their house, and eats your food?" "You." "All I'm saying is, next time we invite a houseguest," "I would like to be consulted." "Come on, Andy, let's go watch the Wheel." "We can't." "Yeah." "Ronnie "No College"" "is in there watching something on The Learning Channel." "Well, fine." "We're just gonna have to go watch in Jim and Cheryl's room." "This is so inconvenient." "See, Jim?" "It's not just me." "Ronnie's been here a week." "What's the plan?" "I told you." "We're waiting for his old man to call." "That's your plan?" "In broad strokes." "Jim, what if Tony never calls?" "What if it's like you and your dad, and they never speak again?" "Cheryl, if his father's not going to be there for him, then to hell with him." "My father wasn't there for me, and I'm okay with it." "What are you yelling at me for?" "I'm not yelling." "This is just the way I talk." "You're talking awful loud!" "I'm not talking loud, I'm just making a point!" "What point?" "I'll tell you the point." "This is the point!" "The point is, of this..." "I don't want to talk about it anymore!" "Fine." "This conversation is over." "Damn right it is." "Ah!" "Criminy." "All I'm saying is..." "Wait." "What?" "I thought it was over." "I know, I know, I know, but, honey..." "Cheryl!" "Think how different your life would have been if you'd had a chance to talk to your father after he'd left." "Cheryl, this has nothing to do with my father." "You're right." "It doesn't." "Thank you." "So, stop trying to work out your unfinished business with this kid." "Look, Jim, you may not be able to be with your dad, but that doesn't mean Ronnie shouldn't be with his." "(CLICKS TONGUE)" "He needs to go home." "ANDY: (CHUCKLES) Cheryl!" "If you're gonna buy the low-fat chips, at least put a different clip on the bag." "I almost ate these things." "(CLEARS THROAT) Hey, Ronnie." "Hey." "Do you want me to get out of your chair?" "No, no, no." "That's cool." "That's cool." "Yeah, get out of my chair." "Uh, look." "I've been thinking, and I think we need to reevaluate our plan." "You don't want me to trim the hedges?" "No, that part of the plan is solid." "Uh..." "I'm talking about, you know, waiting for your dad to call." "I want to change that plan." "But you said we were never giving in." "I know I said that, but..." "I think you should make the first move." "Call your dad." "(SCOFFS) Why?" "So he can call me a bum again?" "You know what?" "You could go to college and do stand-up comedy on the side." "College is for people who don't know what they want to do." "I know what I want." "I know." "But it's not all about studying and classes." "Actually, if you do it right, it's more about beer and women and running naked through the quad." "What's a quad?" "I really don't know, but apparently I ran naked through it." "Look, you know, I love having you here." "I really do." "Especially the first few days." "But, you know, it's not my place to take care of you." "Come on." "Call your dad." "Go ahead." "(EXHALES) Come here." "What?" "Aw!" "Hey, honey." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Hey, how did it go?" "He hung up on me." "What?" "Oh, I hope Jim's all right." "My father's kind of a hothead." "One time he threw a salami at a customer." "Oh, that's nothing." "Jim once punched a cow." "(DOORBELL RINGS) What?" "Oh, what is this?" "What did you do?" "Well, Ronnie's father wouldn't talk to me, so I stole Speedy Tony." "If he wants it back, he's gotta go through me." "Jim..." "Woman, be quiet." "This is street justice." "Cool, huh?" "I got a hostage." "Jim, this is a fiberglass toy." "I'm the hostage." "(SCOFFS) (DOORBELL RINGS)" "Okay, that's him." "Chill." "Chill!" "I want my Speedy Tony back!" "I want you to talk to your son." "I'll call the police!" "Well, you go ahead." "You call the police." "Tell them I stole Speedy Tony, and I'll tell them you hung up on your son." "The police aren't gonna care that I hung up on my son." "Wait a minute." "Your kid's been here a week and all you care about is a stupid statue?" "Please, Mrs. 412 Maple, stay out of this!" "Don't talk to my wife like that!" "Now, come on." "Talk to your son." "Forget it, Jim." "It's not worth it." "You know what?" "I don't need this!" "Hey, hey, hey!" "Don't you even think about it!" "Now you walk out on your son right now, you won't forgive yourself the rest of your life." "And if you, you let this jackass go right now, you're as big of a jackass as he is!" "And you know what's going to happen one day?" "One day, 30 years from now," "Ronnie is gonna be happily married with three children and you're gonna call him up outta the blue and say," ""Hey, it's your father."" "And you know what you're gonna do?" "Because you're so pissed off and hurt?" "You're gonna hang up on him." "And trust me, you're gonna regret it." "Because you're not gonna know where he is, you always wonder what happened to him, whether he's alive or he's dead." "Well, at least you'll have your stupid statue." "So?" "So?" "I got some ice cream at home." "You want some?" "I don't know." "Yeah." "Is it all right if I come back with my truck to pick the statue up?" "Yeah." "(SIGHS)" "I wonder how different my life would have been if I'd just married you." "All right, Speedy Tony, I don't want you here." "(GRUNTS)" "(EXCLAIMING)" "Ooh, that is a Speedy Tony's Belly-Buster, right?" "I could smell it coming up the driveway!" "Ronnie brought it by." "It's on the house." "Oh, wow." "Oh!" "Aw!" "Look at that." ""Thank you, 412," in pepperoni." "You know, I should take a picture of this." "Yeah." "Nah." "I'll remember." "Mmm!" "Um, honey?" "Listen, I was on the computer today and I found this Web site..." "That was not me." "I'm not into that kind of thing, honey." "You know, Andy's got access to that computer, too, and he's a freak." "No, no, no, no." "Jim!" "No." "It's an Internet site that finds people, and I found this." "What is this?" "It's your dad's phone number." "You know, he lives in Arizona." "Cheryl..." "Jim, you don't have to do anything with it if you don't want to." "I just..." "You know." "I just thought you should have it." "Girls, dinner!" "RUBY:" "We can't." "CHERYL:" "What?" "RUBY:" "The couch is eating my leg." "CHERYL: (EXCLAIMING) Oh, no!" "(GIRLS GIGGLING) CHERYL:" "Oh, what are we gonna do?" "RUBY:" "Save me, Mommy." "Save me!" "(GIRLS CHATTERING)" "GIRLS:" "Pizza!" "I want pizza, Daddy." "Okay." "We got pizza right here." "Here we go." "(GIRLS CHATTERING)" "No, this half is mine." "Half is mine." "I want a big piece." "All right." "Is that big enough for you?" "Yeah." "Oh, boy!" "Oh, honey, do you think you can finish that?" "Big piece." "Big mouths get big pieces." "Oh, then I need a little, tiny one." "(LAUGHING) No!" "Yeah." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "So, I'm giving my dog a bath the other day, and I thought, "What would my dog say if he could talk?"" "I think it might go a little something..." "Somethinglikethis." "(IN DEEP VOICE) Hey!" "What's this?" "A bath?" "Hey!" "I finally get a good stink going and now you're hosing me down!" "It's not fair, I tell you!" "(LAUGHING) Yeah!" "You know what I'm talking about." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)"