"# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" "We're definitely rehearsing tonight, yeah?" "8 o'clock, down the hall." "Oh, will the rest of the group be there this time?" "Oh, great, man!" "Oi, Ringo!" "Hope my huffing and puffing ain't interrupting you." " No, no sweat, man." " It certainly ain't coming from you, lazy git!" " Come on!" " Charlie, I gotta go." "See you later." " Rehearsing with the group tonight." " Group?" "You're a drummer with no drums!" "It's early days yet." "Why do you waste your time with that bunch of wallies?" "They're not a bunch of wallies!" "You haven't even heard us play yet." "I don't need to." "I know who your lead singer is." "Mental Mickey!" " There's nothing wrong with Mickey Maguire." " Only bit a bloke's ear off, that's all!" "Not all of it." "Before you become deeply involved in any musical argument with Mental Mickey, make sure you're wearing a bullet-proof balaclava." "Get this stuff in the van." "What we bought, anyway?" "Look, it's obvious, innit?" "Sausages!" "Talking dolls, innit!" "I know that, I meant what sort of stock is it?" "Is it bankrupt?" "Fire-damaged, water-damaged, soiled or just plain hooky?" "Don't be like that, Rodney." "These are near perfect." "Near perfect?" "What's wrong with 'em?" " Nothing." " Why aren't they called perfect, then?" "It's just legal jargon, used by the insurance companies to save on paperwork." " Don't worry about it." " Easy for you to say." "I'm the one that has to go down the Arndale Centre and flog them things." "Look at the aggro last Christmas over them cricket bats." ""Each one personally autographed by Viv Richards."" "Each one WAS personally autographed by Viv Richards." "All right, it wasn't THE Viv Richards." "No..." "It was Davey Richards' eldest sister." "I've had nothing but comebacks on them." "No, you'll be all right with these things." "Look." "Take a look at 'em." "Can you see anything wrong with that?" "Stop that!" " They look all right." " All..." "All right?" "What?" "This is Taiwan's finest, Rodney." "This is quality par excellence, this gear." "We'll pick the rest up after dinner." "Go on, jump in the van." "(DOLL) Eh, what's up, doc?" " What?" " I thought you said something." "No!" "Oi!" "I reckon this group of mine could really go places." "Sooner the better, if you ask me." "We're styling ourselves on Frankie Goes To Hollywood." "Oh, t'riffic." "You dozy little twonk, Rodney!" "You bang on the roof of my van again, it won't be Frankie Goes To Hollywood, it'll be Rodney Goes To Hospital!" "Bloody hell, Del." "I said I was sorry." "You will be!" "If I get headaches... (ARGUING)" "# The wind is blowing, The snow is snowing... #" "Oi!" "Get yer thieving hands off!" "I weren't feeling that well, Del." "You'll feel a bloody sight worse if I catch you at my Cervossiery again." " What's all the big hurry?" " I'll tell you..." "I've just heard an interesting bit of news down the pub." "Oi, you!" "Have you heard of the Shamrock Club over at Deptford?" "The Paddies' Mollin Rooge?" "That place?" " Well?" " I read about it in the local paper." "Well, their resident band, The Dublin Bay Stormers, they were in a ruck last weekend and they're all banged up on remand." "So?" "So, what is it next Sunday, eh?" "It's St Patrick's Night, innit?" "The biggest earner of the year and the Shamrock Club ain't got a band." "But I have!" "You don't mean young Rodney and that bunch of wallies?" "They can't do all that Mother Macree stuff." "Listen, you don't know Rodney that well." "He's a very talented little lad." " They'll love 'im." " They'll tear him limb from limb." "No, they won't." "Worst he'll get is a red nose." "It's nothing to do with me, Del." "I'll keep my opinions to myself." " You do that." " It don't seem right, though." "I mean, it's not fair." "Nor is Frank Bruno's arse, but you don't go on about it!" "Shamrock Club?" "Can I speak to Liam, please?" "It's Derek Trotter." "Thank you." "Liam?" "Del Boy." "(IRISH MALES SINGING)" "How are you, pal?" "T'riffic." "Listen, I just heard the tragic news about the Stormers." "The bloody laws in this country!" "Diabolical, eh?" "Well, how are you fixed for a band on St Paddy's Night?" "This is it." "Where do you find a good band these days?" "What?" "I know there's a lot of cowboys about." "Sorry?" "What noise?" "Oh, that?" "That's what I was phoning about." "I'm down at the community hall, and there's a group of youngsters on stage rehearsing." "Yeah, that's them in the background now." "Do what?" "Just a minute." "Oi!" "Keep it down, will you, lads?" "I'm on the blower!" "Hold on, Liam, I'll just go and close the door." "There we are, now we can hear ourselves speak." "Do what?" "Funny, they do sound a lot like The Bachelors." "That's who they model themselves after." "There's some good news and there's some bad news, Liam." "The bad news is that they are expensive." "It's three hundred sovs, I'm afraid." "But the good news is they are free on St Paddy's Night." "All right!" " He wants to think about it." " That shouldn't take long, should it?" "No, go on." "You carry on, my old son." "Take all the time in the world." "(INCREASED VOLUME)" "Oi!" "Close that door, will you?" "You won't go far wrong with these boys, Liam." "No, no." "You know it makes sense." "There is one thing." "They - not me, you understand - insist on cash in advance." "Yeah." "You what?" "All right, I'll tell you what, I'll pop down in about an hour." "T'riffic." "Ta-ra!" "(MIMES TO RECORD) # My Dia-a-a-ne... #" "The family used to tell stories about you and your business activities." "I never believed 'em up until now." ""Get in, get out, don't look back," that's my motto." " I can't wait to tell Rodney the good news." " Here, listen." "You keep quiet." " This is going to be...a surprise." " Nothing to do with me, Del." "I just hope I don't let it slip out." "That would be very unfortunate, eh?" "Would you like a LARGE brandy in there, Uncle Albert?" " That's nice of you, son." "Thank you." " That's all right." "Might as well leave the bottle down here." "Save me having to get up." "Have a nice evening." "You blackmailing old bark!" "(LOUD JAMMING)" "# Ow!" "# Come on, Rodney, give us some cymbal!" "Cymbals?" "What's he doing here?" "Just came down to listen to you lads." "Don't mind, do you?" " You came down here on a wind-up." " Au contraire, Rodney, au contraire." "In fact, I'm very impressed." "He sounds in very good voice, does Mental Mickey." " I don't like people calling me that!" " Sorry." "Better put my hands over my earlobes!" " Why don't you piss off down the pub?" " Watch it!" "This is OUR community hall." "Anyone's entitled to walk in." " Come on, let's hear you." " Come on, he won't put us off." "Yeah, right." "One, two, three, f..." " Oi, Rodney, I do the one-two-three-fours." " Sorry, I forgot." "One, two, three, four!" "Hold on, hold on!" "Where d'you learn to count?" "Rampton?" "I ain't never been to Rampton." "Who started them rumours?" " All right, Mick, take it easy." " I ain't never been to Rampton!" "I've been to Broadmoor once or twice but..." "Of course." "Sorry, sorry." " One, two, three..." " I'm not gonna tell you again, son!" "I do the one-two-three-four!" "Right?" "Right..." "One, two, three, four!" "# Listen here, stop me if you've heard it" "# A million kids, don't have to deserve it" "# Don't play about with knives Boys will be boys will be boys... #" " Hold up, hold up!" " What is it now?" "I am very surprised." "I came down expecting you bunch of wallies to sound like... ..a cat being doctored without anaesthetic." "But you're good!" " What...?" " You're very good." "You're not quite up to the standard of Spanner Ballet or Durram Durram." "But there's something about your music that I like." "Well, it's got something." "(l only hope it ain't catching!" ")" "If this is all a build-up to some funny joke, tell us now and stop wasting time." "It's not a joke, Rodney." "Not a joke." "I mean it." "I'm very impressed." "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "Of course, you realise you'll flop like a jelly on a wet mattress." " Oh, yeah?" "Why are we gonna flop?" " Because you're undisciplined." "You ain't going nowhere until you get your act together." "Yeah?" "My mate's cousin works in a record company, and he can get us a contract." "Oh, yeah?" "And my mate's a doorman at Chelsea, but he can't get me a bloody game, can he?" "You're still rough around the edges." "Take a butcher's at yourselves." "You look like something the cat's dragged in." "And then dragged out again." "Trotter, shut it!" "We like looking like this." " We're Marxist Trotskyite Anarchists." " Yeah!" "Why d'you wanna be superstars?" "We wanna be RICH Marxist Trotskyite Anarchists!" " Not too rich." " No." "Just a little bit rich." " Money ain't everything." " It takes the sting out of being poor, though." "It strikes me that what you need is... someone to steer you in the right direction, look after your interests." "Well, what you need is a manager." "Hold on, hold on." "Don't look at me." "The bloke who becomes your manager will have to buy you all new equipment." "New drums, new guitars, new set of speakers." "No." "That's gonna cost an arm and a leg." " I thought you said we was good?" " You are good." "You're all natural." "You've got raw talent." "Oi, Trotter!" " Put your money where your mouth is." " Don't you think I'll back my instinct?" "You know me, Rodney." "He who dares wins." " Funds are a bit tight at the moment." " You ain't half a wally, Trotter." " Yeah, we know!" " We've heard it all before, Del!" "(DEL) All right, you win!" "I will be your manager." "I'll get you bookings, you see if I don't!" " What about instruments, though?" " I'll get that as well." "Don't listen to him." "We'll end up with chuck-aways from some Boy Scouts band!" "No, you won't." "All your equipment will be brand-new." "Write down what you want, and I'll get it." "I'm gonna make an investment in you lads." "This time next year, we're gonna be millionaires." "I can see it now..." "The Albert Hall, Carnegie Hall, the Hollywood Bowl." "The revolutionary new sound of pop protest!" "You don't know any Bachelors' numbers, do you?" "All right..." "It doesn't matter." "Not important." "You carry on rehearsing, 'cause I'm gonna put this show on the road." "Come on, let's hear yer!" "Your manager has spoken!" "(RODNEY) One, two, three..." "(MICKEY) I told you before!" "(MICKEY) One, two, three, four!" "(BLOWS A RASPBERRY)" "(ANGRY SHOUTING)" "(YELLING AND SMASHING INSIDE)" "(DEL) Get that in!" "Get it in!" "Get hold of that!" "What about Mental Mickey?" "He's happy enough." "Right, let's make sure I've got all the details." "The stolen items consist of two guitars... two speakers... and a set of drums." "Well, there's one of your sticks." " It's a bit oily." " Cheers." " So, you reckon you'll catch 'em?" " Shouldn't have too much trouble." "We'll go round all the clubs until we find a band with a one-armed drummer." "I need you, don't I?" "I really need you!" "What's all this other stuff in here, anyway?" "We...collect things." " Funny sort of things to collect, aren't they?" " Yeah, well, everyone's gotta have an hobby." "(DOLL SPEAKS IN DALEK VOICE) Exterminate!" "Exterminate!" "Good afternoon, officer." "Can I be of any assistance?" "They've had it all - the drums, the guitars, everything." "I locked that door last night, I swear." " All right, Rodney." "Not to worry, eh?" " What do you mean?" "All our equipment's been nicked!" "Well, that's not quite true." "Rodney, nip outside and make sure I switched the engine off on the van." "No." "Well, you see, actually, these items haven't been stolen." "A van came round this morning and took 'em back to the shop." "I know the owner, and he let me have 'em on a sale and return basis." "(OFFICER) I see." "You enjoy wasting police time?" "Hold on!" "I didn't know he had 'em on sale or return, did I?" "It's all right." "It's my fault, I didn't tell him." "Sorry." "About all this other stuff..." "Excuse me, officer, I just saw a couple of kids trying to remove the front wheels of your Panda." "What?" "!" " I might be back to see you!" " I can't wait." "What do you think you're playing at, inviting the Old Bill round here?" "!" "What do you mean, me?" "You told me you'd bought that equipment." " You just set us up, didn't ya?" " Now listen, Rodney..." "We've earned 300 sovs, right?" "And we didn't actually pay out for any equipment." "Brilliant, eh?" "Brilliant?" "!" "We nearly had our heads smashed in!" "I didn't want to play the Shamrock." "None of us wanted to play the Shamrock Club." "But we played it 'cause you said it was our first step on the road to stardom." "And we believed you." "Then you're bigger plonkers than you look." "You didn't honestly believe that rubbish, that you wallies were destined for the Albert Hall?" "Carnegie Hall?" "!" "The only hall you was destined for was Sod All!" "As it happens, you've made 150 quid!" "Anyway, you can still play with the group." "No, I can't, actually!" " Why?" " We had an artistical disagreement." "Look what Mickey tried to do to my ear." "That vicious little git!" "I'm gonna sort him out!" " What was the row about?" " They said you set us up." "They said it was your one-off earner to get rid of the suits you've had since 1975." "The way some people's minds work!" "What do you mean?" "They were right!" "I defended ya!" "I stood there and I defended ya!" "Do you know why?" "Well...it's 'cause you're me brother and I don't like people rubbishing you." "Still work, does it?" "It was only a pipe-dream, Rodney." "At least I had a dream, Del." "It's more than I've got now." "Come on, Rodders." "You didn't think you were going anywhere, did ya?" "Just take a look at them other three." "They've five and a half brain cells between them, and one of them was on the blink!" "All that show business lark!" "They're all Stoke-on-Trent, ain't they?" "You gotta watch yer old Deaf and Dumb in that game." "Why do you always try and stop me in everything I do?" " Who, me?" " You're always sticking your oar in!" " Sometimes I get the feeling you're scared." " Scared?" "Me?" "Scared of what?" "Scared of me becoming a success." "You're terrified one day I might just make it." "It's like a knife in my heart, Rodney." "There is nothing I would like more than to see you become...someone." "Have a nice Capri Ghia." "All that!" "I remember what Mum said on her death bed." "She said to me, "Del, please give little Rodney all the encouragement that you can." ""Never, Del, never hold him back"." "She didn't half say a lot on her death bed." "What?" "Whatever the subject, Mum had something to say about it on her death bed." "She must have spent her final hours doing nothing but rabbiting!" "You are walking a bleeding tightrope here, Rodney." "Hang on!" "Last week we were rowing about who was going down to the chippy." "And you claimed that Mum said on her death bed," ""Send Rodney for the fish"." "Well, I'd had a few, hadn't I?" "Listen, Rodney." "Come on." "You tried something and it didn't work." "But look!" "Look!" "You've got 150 beer vouchers." "There, that's it." "Come on, Rodney!" "Come on, cheer up!" " We gotta go down the market this afternoon." " T'riffic (!" ")" "Come on, Rodney, listen..." "It ain't all bad news, is it?" "On the one hand, you've had your hopes and your dreams dashed." "On the the other hand, I've got a van-load of hooky Maltesers!" "Come on, let's go!" "Yeah, yeah, all right, I'll come straight with you." "I've had these dolls for a week and I haven't sold one." "If you'll take a chance, I'll take a loss." "I can't be fairer than that." "Would I lie to you?" "All right, I'll see you around." "Goodbye." "(DOLL) What's with you, Boo Boo?" "Shut up!" "(TV PRESENTER) A new entry in the charts at number 26." "Four guys from South London." "This is "Boys Will Be Boys" from A Bunch of Wallies." "Wonder if Trigger could knock some out down the council depot?" "Oh, shut up!" "Bloody noise!" "I can't think." "I don't believe it!" "I don't believe it!" "It's that..." "It's that bunch of wallies!" "What do they think they're doing on Top of the Pops?" "!" "(FRONT DOOR SLAMS)" "All right!" "Know that old bird that works down the laundromat?" " The one who's after..." " Yeah, yeah..." "What?" " What's wrong?" " Nothing!" "Nothing." "It's all right." "Fine." "Want a cigar?" "You don't want that one anyway." "I'll get you another." "Sorry, you were saying...?" "I wound her up, I said Uncle Albert wants to take her to the OAP beano." " Put him right in it, haven't I?" " Like it!" "Like it!" " You sure everything's all right?" " T'riffico, t'riffico." "Couldn't be better." "Oh, right..." "Hey, Top of the Pops is on." "Yeah...no, no!" "The telly's broke." " I'll watch it on the black and white." " That one's broke an' all." "It's all broken, yeah." " It's gotta be a fuse in the socket." " I tried all that." "It's all absolutely broke." "I'll get the firm in in the morning." " Absolute naus, innit?" " Yeah." "Oh, well, I might as well give Albert the good news." "Go on, he's in his room." "Uncle Albert?" "(UNCLE) Hello, son, you all right?" "He'll go bloody divvy when he finds out." "Oh, God!" "Act your age, you interfering little..." "Can't you have a word with him, Del?" "He's only come in there to annoy me." "I don't want to go on an OAP beano." "Don't go, then." "Don't go." " I'm off out." "Don't mention it to Rodney." " He won't want to go with you, anyway." "He's watching Top of the Pops on the portable." "They're in the charts." "So they're in the charts?" "Marque de fabrique, as they say." "They could go to number one." "They could have a smash hit on their hands." "All right, say you have a smash hit on yer hands." "You might not get another one for the rest of yer life!" "I always said they could make it, and you convinced me they couldn't." "That's always been your trouble, Rodney." "Too easily swayed." "What about me, eh?" "What about me?" "I was their manager." " I'm gonna stick this right up your jacksy!" " Now listen..." "# We've got some half-price cracked ice And miles and miles of carpet tiles," "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs," "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits From a mush in Shepherd's Bush," "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush," "# No income tax, no VAT," "# No money back, no guarantee," "# Black or white, rich or broke," "# We'll cut prices at a stroke," "# God bless Hooky Street," "# Viva Hooky Street!" "# Long live Hooky Street!" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street!" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street Hooky Street... #" "# Stick a pony in me pocket" "# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" "No, no, no." "Everything's cushty!" "Yeah." "No, you've got nothing to worry about." "You know me." "I'll do anyone a favour if the money's right." " You had to interfere, didn't yer?" " I was merely trying to get a picture for you." "I had one till you started mucking around with the aerial." " There was a ghost on the screen." " 'Course there was a ghost on the screen!" "I was watching an 'orror film." "Just leave things alone, will you, Rodney?" "D'you realise there are nigh on four million people unemployed in this country?" "All you do is sit there and watch horror films." " What would you like me to do?" " Well, you... ..could at least think about it." "I've BEEN thinking about it." "That's why I want to watch the 'orror film." "Shut up, you two, I'm on the blower." "Yeah, sorry." "Go on." "I blame it on computers." "How many people have been put on the dole by a robot what can build a car?" "That's why I'll never get a proper job." "They can train a robot to do something better than I can." "They can train a chimpanzee to do it better than you!" "I'll see you tomorrow morning about eleven o'clock." "OK, pal?" "(DEL CACKLES)" "That's it, Rodney." "I've got a coup!" "I pulled off a genuine coup." "Not another coup." "What you done this time?" "We've got someone coming to stay with us for the next couple of weeks." " A PAYING guest." " Who's that, then, Del?" " It's not a "who", it's a "what"." " What?" "Exactly, it's a dog." "And I don't want none of your smart remarks, either." "Boycie and Marlene's puppy." "They're going on holiday and they want us to look after it." " Why don't they just stick it in the kennels?" " You see, Marlene don't trust 'em." "The thing is, for the last few years, Boycie and Marlene have been trying to start a family." "But so far, as they say on the continent, "Thrrp nitto"." "What's this got to do with the puppy?" "Marlene started to get broody, so Boycie buys her a puppy for Christmas." "Pukka thing, no mucking about." "It's got a pedigree." " Cost him six 'undred quid." " Six hundred...?" "!" ""Six 'undred?" "!" I said to him, "I could have got you one much cheaper than that."" "Anyway, Marlene, she thinks that this puppy is her baby." "You know what I mean?" "And she don't want her baby put in some muddy old kennels." "She wants it to receive personal attention." "The sort that we can provide for sixty quid a week." "Sixty pounds?" "!" "But, Del, we don't know nothing about it." "Canine welfare, that's a specialised profession." "Leave it out, Rodney!" "All you've got to do is feed it in the morning, take it for a walk over the adventure playground." " What if Boycie and Marlene find out?" " We'll have to swear the dog to secrecy." "What happens if one of the neighbours tell 'em?" "What they gonna say?" ""'Ere, we saw Rodney taking your dog out every morning and evening for a walk."" "What's wrong with that?" "It's exactly what they want us to do." "Yeah, I suppose you're right." "What d'ya mean, "I saw RODNEY take the dog out every morning and evening"?" "Figure of speech, that's all, Rodders." " Figure of speech?" "!" "I know your games!" " Leave it out!" "(CAR HORN)" "Ow!" "I'll have a headache for the entire flight now!" " You were expected half an hour ago." " Why?" "What happened?" "We're on time." "Must be something wrong with your watch." " Do you want to buy a decent one?" " From you?" "You must be joking!" " Why?" "Listen, if..." "Hello, Marlene, my love!" " Hello, sweetheart!" " Hey!" " Wooh!" " Did you have a nice Christmas?" " T'rrific." " I had a dog." " We had a turkey, same as every other year." "You two are as bad as each other." "Whoo!" "Derek!" "Marlene!" "Why don't you go and get the dog, and then perhaps we can get going?" "Yeah, all right." "I'll fetch his food as well." " I like you in lipstick, Del." " What...?" " Where you off to, then, Boycie?" " Just a couple of weeks to the Seychelles." "Ever been to the Seychelles, have you?" "Don't know." "Have we ever been to the Seychelles, Rodney?" "I'd have to check my passport on that one, Del." "You are quite sure you will be able to look after this dog?" " 'Course I will!" " Yeah, Del's had lots of experience." "Remember, this is not just a DOG." "This is Marlene's baby." "Sometimes I wish I'd never bought it." "You never told me it was a Great Dane!" " Didn't I?" "It must have slipped my mind." " I thought it was a puppy!" "Gordon Bennett!" "Duke, this is your Uncle Del and Rodney." "(BARKS)" " He's lovely, ain't he?" " He's t'rrific!" "Take him for walkies first thing in the morning, once in the evening, and last thing at night." "When it's his bedtime, you put a blanket over him, and then you talk to him for a while." " Don't want me to bring his wind up, do you?" " He should be all right." "Don't worry, he's house-trained." "Hey, we live in a flat!" "In here's his vitamin pills." "One in the morning, BEFORE breakfast, not after." "Marlene, come along, for Gawd's sake." "We DO have a flight to catch." " Come on." "Kiss him goodbye." " Bye, Del." "See you soon." "For Gawd's sake, the dog, Marlene!" "Bye-bye." "Bubba Lubba Doobie's gonna miss his little Mumsie Wumsie." "Mummy's gonna miss her little Dukey Wukey Wukey." " Makes you want to throw up, don't it?" " I feel a bit Tom Dick, meself." "Come along, Marlene!" "We're gonna miss that plane." "If he bites you, don't scream." "He's highly strung." " Is it all right if we bleed?" " He doesn't sink his teeth in." "He's only playing." "Good boy!" "Bye-bye!" "Bye-bye, Dukey Wukey." "Bye-bye." " Did you switch everything off?" " Yes." " Did you switch the burglar alarm on?" " Yes!" " Did you lock everything up?" " Get in the car!" "(GROWLS)" "Jump in, go on!" " After you, Del." " Hmm?" " Tsk!" "I've got to get the food." " I'll wait." "Here!" "Look at this, Rodney." "Fillet steaks, chicken breasts, veal scollops!" "We're going to eat all right for the next week or so, eh?" " Oi!" "It's supposed to be for the dog." " You must be joking." "That thing's gonna get a bowl of Kennomeat every day and think itself lucky." " What if Marlene finds out?" " And how is she gonna find out?" "I suppose Dukey's going to grass us up, is he?" "Come on, Rodney!" "Here y'are." "Come on, do some work for your living." "(GROWLS)" "That dog don't like me!" "He's all right!" "He can smell fear." "I'm surprised he can smell anything at all with that gallon of Brut you're wearing." "Come ON!" "AHH!" " Right." "Your turn today, Rodney." " It was my turn yesterday!" "(EXHALES LOUDLY)" "Go on, Rodney." "Take him for a run." "Duke?" "Duke?" "Here y'are, then." "Come on!" "Up you get, old boy." "Come on." "Look, huh?" "Look." "Hold on - here y'are." "Ready?" "Hey-ey-up!" "Here y'are." "Hey-ey-up!" "Come on, Duke." "Shake a leg!" "Duke...?" "Hello." "He's nice." "Have you had him long?" "Or has he always been that length?" " I'm a Great Dane man, meself." " Really?" " Won at Cruft's two years on the trot." " Really?" " You may have seen me on the Chum advert." " I can't say that I actually have." "There's nothing I don't know about dogs." "You want any advice, I'm your man." "Sasha is always tearing little holes in my carpet." "What would you recommend?" "A new carpet." "As it 'appens, I know this bloke in Wapping, he fits you up a treat." "He's Iranian, but he has got contacts in Persia." "DEL!" "This is my trainer." "What is it, Rodney?" "I don't wanna worry yer, but I think the dog's dead." " What do you mean?" " Let me rephrase it, shall I?" "I don't want to worry you, but I think the dog is dead." "Now, come on!" "I just can't get staff these days." " What have you done to it, you dipstick?" " I ain't touched it!" "(DEL) A wonderful turn of events, this is!" "Boycie and Marlene ain't even got the tops off their suntan oil and we're burying their dog!" "Look!" "Duke!" "Duke!" "Come on, then." "Come on!" "Cats!" "Cats!" "Meow-meow, cats!" "He's not dead, Rodney." "You can see him breathing, look." "Thank Gawd for that!" "So what's the matter with him?" "I don't know, do I?" "We'd better get him down the vet's." "This is gonna cost an arm and a leg, this is!" " Del?" "Should I get his balls?" " You leave him alone." "I don't want him waking up in a temper." " What?" " I was just thinking, that's all." "All these years, Marlene's tried to have a baby and failed." "When you tell her her Dukey Wukey's about to croak it, she'll have twins." " He's not dead!" " He ain't chasing many cats, though, is he?" " For all you know, this might be normal." " Normal?" "Are you trying to tell me dogs hibernate or something?" "No." "What I mean is..." "I mean..." "I don't know what I mean, do I?" "What I want you to know is I'm not blaming you." "What do you mean, you ain't blaming me?" "I ain't done nothing!" "That's why I'm not blaming ya." "But when you put him in the back of the van, did you catch his head when you slammed the door?" " No, I didn't." " Are you sure?" "If you catch a Great Dane's head in a door, you KNOW you've caught his head in a door." "I suppose you're right." " I'll tell you who's to blame." "Uncle Albert." " Why?" "What did he do?" " He didn't do nothing." "He's just a jinx." " Don't start all that again!" "I've said it before, I'll say it again, that man is a right Jonah." "When he boarded his last ship, the crew shot an albatross for luck!" " Stop going on about bloody Albert!" " It's a bit of a coincidence, innit, Del?" "Yesterday we pick up a perfectly healthy dog." "One night in the flat and - "wallop!" - the curse of the Trotters is upon it." "It's gonna be all right." "I've got this feeling." "Dukey's gonna come round, and he's gonna be full of life, full of vim, full of vigour." "I wish I had your faith." "What's the SP?" "Mr Collins is making a few tests." "He shouldn't be long." " How's Duke?" " He's holding his own." "He's up to his old tricks already!" "You don't understand." "Duke is still unconscious." "Why don't you sit down and relax?" "Duke's in the best possible hands." "OK." "Thanks, darling." " Tell you what I feel bad about." " What's that?" " That leg of pork for Duke." " What about it?" "WE ate it last night, didn't we?" "Poor old Dukey had to make do with a tin of dog food." "Every mouthful made me feel more and more guilty." "You should have let me know - you and him could have swapped." " Anyway, he had some of it." " Warmed-up leftovers for breakfast." "I didn't hear Dukey complaining." "Did you?" "We had his steaks for lunch the other day, didn't we?" "He's probably sick to death of steaks." "Has them every day of his life." "Can you change the subject, please?" "Going on about bloody steaks and legs of pork!" "Can't we talk about something more..." "You know, more...aesthetical?" "YOU want to talk...?" "Yes, sure, you take it away, Derek." "Couldn't half give THAT one, couldn't you, Rodney?" "(RODNEY) Ooh, there's the doc." " Doc, what news?" " It's difficult to say." "His heartbeat's normal." " Is that good?" " Of course!" "The tests have proved negative." "I'm waiting for results of his blood sample." "And have you taken an X-ray?" "Yes." "There's no sign of any damage." "It's a complete mystery." "We'll keep him here as long as necessary." " Where shall I send the bill?" " I've got the details." " How long will it take?" " It shouldn't take long if I send it first-class." "I don't mean THAT." "How long will it take for Dukey's recovery?" "Oh, ha-ha!" "I see." "It will take as long as it takes, Mr Trotter." "All we can do is keep a close eye on him and let nature take its course." "What have you been feeding him on?" " Just tins of dogfoo..." " STEAK." "Best porterhouse steak for lunch." "He has liver for his supper." "He had roast pork for breakfast." "He's had his milk, he's had his vitamins." "You name it, he's had it." " Pork, for breakfast?" " Yes." " Was it freshly-cooked pork?" " Yes, freshly cooked the night before." " Did you reheat it thoroughly?" " We warmed it up a bit." "You "warmed it up a bit"?" "I think we may have solved the mystery!" "Were neither of you aware that white meat, particularly pork, unless thoroughly reheated, is a breeding ground for salmonella poisoning?" "Sam an' Ella poisoning?" "Do you reckon that's what Dukey's got?" "It's a strong possibility, wouldn't you say?" " This leg of pork, have you still got it?" " Not on us." "It's back home in the fridge." " Could you bring it in?" " We'll get it right away..." "The dustmen come round today, Albert might've slung it!" "That dozy old git!" "Can I use your phone?" "If it is this salmonella poisoning, will he survive?" "It depends on the strain." "That's why I need to examine that meat." " How long have you had the dog?" " One day." " One day?" "!" " It ain't our dog." "It's a friend's." "We're just look..." "looking after it." "Albert!" "It's Del Boy." "Now, I wa..." "Ahoy, there!" "Listen, about that piece of pork in the fridge... .."pickles and crusty bread"." "Sounds lovely." "He's eaten it!" "Oh, no!" "I'll telephone the hospital." "Get him there as quickly as you can!" "Certainly." "Albert, listen, Albert..." "Uncle Albert, listen to me very carefully." "I want you to do me a favour." "Put a few things in your duffel bag, put your coat on, stand in the hall and wait for us, because we're gonna pop you to the hospital." "You've gotta have an operation." " He won't have an operation." " A fiver says he does." " Right, you're on." " Right." "Listen, I know you don't WANT to have an operation." "Nobody WANTS an operation, but everyone at some time in their lives has to have one." "And today it's your turn." "Listen, you know that piece of pork you had for dinner?" "I know you're gonna laugh at this, Uncle..." " A pound he don't." " You're on!" "There's a strong possibility that it contained Sam and Ella poisoning." "Stop that!" "STOP IT!" "You're a grown man." "Pull yourself together!" "We're gonna come down and we'll pick you up in a couple of minutes." "Be ready!" " You should have warned me about this!" " I didn't know meself." "You're the one with GCEs, ain't yer?" "I've got a GCE in maths and art." "I ain't got a GCE in pork." "Tell him we'll pop down and see him tomorrow." "Thank you very much, Sister." "And, er, bongiorno." "That's all right." "See what I mean, Rodney?" "A little bit of French always knocks 'em bandy." "Yeah, yeah..." "What about Albert?" "I take it we can't go and see him tonight." "He's none too clever, apparently." "He's had pipes and gadgets and everything stuck in him." "Oh, my Gawd!" "Well, waste not, want not." " Do yer want a grape?" " Cheers." "Bring 'em over there, will yer?" "Oh!" "Hang on." "Did you get in touch with the vets?" "Yeah." "They said Dukey was comatose." "Comatose?" "Funny enough, I thought that when I saw him laid spark out in the back of the van." "You'd be right, Rodney." "'Cause I expect with this comatose, most probably sleep is the best thing for him." "Rest, rest and more rest, eh?" " Did they have to operate on Albert?" " No." " That's a bit of luck." " It is, innit?" " You owe me a fiver." " Do I?" "Remember?" "I said they wouldn't have to operate, and you said they would." "(THEY ARGUE, PHONE RINGS)" "The phone!" "Hello?" "Who is it?" "Boycie!" "It's Boycie!" "Boycie?" "!" "Where is he?" "Has he come back early or something?" "So...where you phoning from, then, Boyce?" "You're still over there?" "Huh?" "Yeah..." "Del." "Del's not in at the moment." "Oh, yeah, he's here." "Yeah." "OK, put her on, then." "Hello, Marlene." "Don't you worry about Duke." "He's as happy as they come." "Yeah." "Er, get down, Duke." "Little rascal, jumping all over me!" "Probably recognises your voice, eh, Marlene?" "Yeah." "Eh?" " She wants Duke to talk to her!" " Talk to her?" "It's a bloody dog, the scatty mare!" "Tell her she can't." "Go on!" "Come on, Dukey." "Talk to Mummy!" "Come on, Dukey." "Talk to Mummy!" "(PANTS)" "(COUGHS)" "He's run off to the kitchen and there's someone at the door." "Gotta go, see ya!" "Oi!" "Don't mess around with them..." "Oi, oi, oi!" "You up to that again, are yer?" " Women in uniforms?" " No, I ain't." "You want to watch it." "You're gonna end up marrying an Akela!" " Doctor!" "We've come to pick up our uncle." " Nurse said he might be able to come home." "Of course." "I'll..." "I'll just have a look at him first." "Last night he underwent thorough examinations." "So the sister said on the phone." "Was anything wrong with him?" "Not that I could tell." "I've just had a call from Mr Collins at the veterinary clinic." " The dog has made a complete recovery." " Duke's back on his feet?" "You did the right thing to bring your uncle in." "Better safe than sorry." "Let's go and see how he is." " Mr Trotter!" " You ain't doing nothing else to me, are you?" " Don't worry." " All right, then?" "No, I'm not!" "I was all right yesterday, though." "I never felt better in all me life." "But you had to drag me in here for bloody Frankenstein to experiment on me!" "They've had me on back, on me belly, upside down, every which way but loose!" "Wires, pipes, tubes, bits of string, injections!" "What do you think they gave me for lunch today?" "Roast bleeding pork!" "Well, you never missed much on telly last night, so..." " What's wrong with me?" " Nothing." "Nothing?" "D'you mean I've had stomach pumps and enemies, glucose strips, students drawing all over me with felt-topped pens, and there's nothing wrong with me?" "Great, innit, eh?" "I noticed you didn't come to see me last night." "I s'pose you were too busy visiting that dog." "Fight for yer country and risk yer life in sea and flame..." "And you get old and everyone forgets you." "Listen here, you silly old s...sausage." "We couldn't visit you last night because you was under observation." " Don't give that to me, son!" " We bought you some grapes." "Yeah?" "Where are they?" "We ate 'em." "I see!" "I lay here last night, tubes sticking out of every place you could stick 'em in, couldn't sleep, pills wouldn't work." "And you two are eating my grapes!" "Come on!" "We did miss you last night." " Did yer?" " Yeah." "We had no one to spit the pips at!" "Let's get him out of here!" "He's giving me the 'ump." " Any problems?" " There's nothing wrong with me." "I feel full of fitness and vitality." "Good!" "Bye for now, Mr Trotter." "See you again." "Not if I see you first, shipmate!" "Hurry up, we're going to get you home." "Moaning, miserable old git!" "He don't stop, does he?" "We got him all that treatment for nothing." "And does he think anything of it?" "Does he hell!" " By the way, Sister gave me these." " Why?" "What's the matter with you?" " No, she found them in your uncle's locker." " I see!" "Patients aren't allowed to bring their own medication in." "Bear that in mind for future." "What's he doing with these?" "These are Dukey's vitamin tablets." "Those are Albert's sleeping pills." "I've got his vitamin tablets here." "Oh, no!" "You've been giving Dukey HIS sleeping pills!" "Oh, no!" "'Cause they was on the sideboard, and I just..." "Albert's been on the Bob Martin's!" "No wonder he's "full of vitality"!" " What shall we do?" " Don't throw him any sticks, that's all." "Shall we tell him?" "No, it's a bit unfair, innit, after what he's been through?" "Let's tell him!" "No, look." "He's miserable enough as it is, isn't he?" "He'll probably think he's gonna turn into a werewolf." "Keep shtoom about the whole thing, and no one'll be any the wiser." "Just want to keep a close eye on him when he goes past lampposts!" "Oi, oi, eh-eh..." "Come on, then, Uncle." "We'll ge-ge-get you home, and then Rodney's gonna take Dukey out for a run." "Actually, you can come as well if you like." " What's the matter with you two?" " Nothing." "No." " Come on!" " Yeah." "Come on, boy!" "# We got some half-price cracked ice And miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains What's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits From a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or broke" "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street" "# Viva Hooky Street" "# Long live Hooky Street" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street... #"