"(COMPARED TO WHAT BY ROBERTA FLACK)" "* Said, love the lie, lie the love * * Hangin' on, with push and shove *" "* Possession is the motivation * * Hangin' up the whole damn nation *" "* Looks like we always end up in a rut * * Tryin' to make it real...but compared to what?" "*" "* Slaughterhouse is killin' hogs * * Twisted children are killin' frogs *" "* Poor dumb rednecks rollin' logs * * Tired old ladies are kissing' dogs *" "* And I hate that human love, that stinking mud * * Tryin' to make it real but compared to what?" "*" "* Said the President, he's got his war * * Folks don't know just what's it for *" "* Preacher's fillin' us with fright * * Telling what he thinks is right *" "* Tryin' to make it real, yeah * * Tryin' to make it real, real, yeah *" "* Tryin' to make it real, real, real...yeah * * Tryin' to make it real, yeah *" "* Oh!" "Young King Tut * * He tried...tried, tried *" "* Tried to make it real!" "* * Tried to make it to real, yeah!" "*" "Excuse me, please..." "Where is Fraulein Schmidt?" "She is in there." "Thank you." "You look important." "Or, at least, your suit does." "Well, I can get you over the wall." "Would you consider that important, Fraulein Schmidt?" "A smart mouth to go with the suit." "Statements like that can get you into a lot of trouble around here." "Or, they can get you out of it." "Make yourself comfortable, why don't you?" "Okay, Mr.Important suit, who are you and what do you want?" "I'm here to have a friendly chat about your father." "I don't have a father." "I don't mean your late foster father, The mechanic." "I mean your real father, Dr.Udo Teller." "Hitler's favorite rocket scientist." "That doesn't sound very friendly." "You're wasting your time." "I haven't seen him for 18 years." "Well, after the war, he came to work for us." "He'd been enjoying the American dream." "He had a great job working for the U.S. Nuclear program..." "Pleasant house in the suburbs..." "A new Cadillac and a fat little dog called 'Schnitzel'." "Then, two years ago, he disappeared like steam from a tea kettle." "Open." "Until now." "This was taken last week in Rome." "Which one is supposed to be my father?" "Funny." "I'm told that if your father's knowledge gets into the wrong hands, things could get a little messy." "You know, end of the world." "That kind of thing." "What makes you think I know where he is?" "I don't think you do, but I think you know someone who does." "Your mother's brother:" "Uncle Rudi." "I've also been told that your father was never..." "Actually a Nazi." "He was forced to work for them." "So I'm here to help him." "Why don't you help me." "With what?" "If I had 15 minutes, we'd drink tea, eat biscuits," "I'd talk, you'd laugh and we'd be on our way." "Unfortunately, I don't." "So my offer is come with me now and be at a Chic little hotel in West Berlin in less than an hour." "Or stay here and spend the night with the Russians, hanging from a pipe, having your toenails removed." "That is what I was looking for." "Do you mind terribly if I borrow your car?" "Could you pass me that brown paper bag, from my case, please?" "Are they still following us?" "Yes." "Is there one of them?" "Just hum if there is." "Mm." "Is he looking at us?" "Mm." "Does he have just one hand on the steering wheel?" "Mm-hmm." "When you hear something that sounds like a gunshot..." "Drive." "Did you get him?" "Let's just hope he doesn't drive as quickly as he moves." "I got news for you." "He does." "Make a right." "And then an immediate left." "Nicely done." "Hold on." "Is he gone?" "You know, I don't think so." "Reverse down the sidewalk, and then drive around the block." "And, uh..." "Meet me back here." "I think you should look out the window." "You can't be serious." "He's trying to stop the car." "We're struggling here." "Why don't you take a shot at him?" "Somehow it just doesn't seem like the right thing to do." "First left, then immediate right." "This road isn't going anywhere." "It's taking us exactly where we want to go." "It's getting narrower." "It's all part of the plan." "Now, put your foot down and drive a little faster." "Good plan." "All we have to do is get over two 20 foot walls and a minefield." "Now what?" "Take another left through the window." "After you." "Follow me." "What are we doing here?" "We're looking for agent Jones." "Hug me." "Jones, reverse!" "Step back." "This place isn't Chic." "It isn't even a hotel." "No, but it's safer." "And the food isn't bad." "What's that?" "Smells like feet." "Expensive feet." "He's here." "Our commitment to defend Western Europe and West Berlin, for example, stands undiminished." "The United States will make no deal with the Soviet Union because the communist drive to impose their political and economic system on others is the primary cause of world tension today." "I trust that miss Teller was helpful." "You were right." "The Uncle, Rudolph Von Trulsch, is the best shot." "That's it?" "That's all you got?" "He lives in Italy, Rome." "Works for a shipping company called Vinciguerra." "And now you have Miss Teller." "My work here is done." "We already knew all that." "Your job here is done when I tell you it's done." "You told me this was gonna be a simple extraction." "It shoulda been." "I didn't ask you to light up half of East Berlin." "They were waiting for me." "Don't flatter yourself." "They follow everybody." "What was waiting for me was barely human." "You should've seen it run." "Grow a spine, Solo." "Contrary to what you may think, we are not in the haberdashery business." "I don't think you understand." "It tore the back off my car." "Remind me, Solo." "How long was your prison sentence?" "You owe me five more years." "Now, I know you've been taking care of yourself on the side, wetting your beak, so to speak." "We don't pay you enough to be able to put truffles in your Risotto, Solo." "But don't ever make the calamitous error of mistaking my deliberate short sightedness... for blindness." "Now, you report for duty tomorrow morning, 9:00AM sharp." "And with a better attitude." "West Berlin, 1963" "Look at 'em." "Merrily oblivious as we labor tirelessly to save them from extinction and not even a thank you." "I tell myself, Solo, that inside every Kraut, there's an American trying to get out." "A little tired this morning, sir?" "You'd be, too, if you'd been up all night, trying to sort this mess out." "Anything in particular, sir, or...?" "Or are you just looking?" "What I'm about to feed you, Solo, might taste a little bitter." "Nevertheless, you're gonna have to swallow it." "Where we going with this, sir?" "Adrian." "Kuryakin?" "Don't kill your colleague day one." "What does that mean?" "He said, 'Don't kill your partner on your first day'." "I know what he said." "What does it mean?" "The main ingredient of an Atom bomb is enriched uranium." "Dr.Teller was on the verge of a breakthrough, which would massively simplify this process." "Making it possible for almost anyone to build a nuclear device." "We believe that the Vinciguerra shipping and aerospace company in Rome, where Miss Teller's Uncle Rudi is a senior executive, is, in fact, the cover for an international criminal organization with ties to former Nazis." "The founder, Sergio Vinciguerra, was a friend of Mussolini and a known fascist." "Rumor has it Sergio was responsible for smuggling the Nazi gold to South America after the war." "It is now run by his son, Alexander, and his wife, Victoria." "Al, he's more playboy than Tycoon." "But she... well, now, she's something else altogether." "All our information indicates a lethal combination, of beauty, brains and ambition." "She's the real fanatic." "Now that the old man is dead, she's running the show." "We believe they're responsible for Dr.Teller's disappearance." "Now..." "Imagine the consequences if he builds an Atom bomb for them." "We have no choice but to work together on this." "Your mission is to infiltrate this organization, and to retrieve Dr.Teller and his research." "It will be located on a computer disk." "And whoever has that disk will simply be the most powerful nation in the world." "You, Solo, are to investigate" "Victoria and Alexander Vinciguerra." "Our Russian friend will focus on Miss Teller and her Uncle Rudi." "We'll leave you two to get acquainted." "Oleg, give my regards to Nina." "Obviously, I was briefed about you." "Your corrupt and criminal background..." "Until you were caught and the CIA blackmailed you into working for them." "But what interests me, given your profile, is what would motivate you to become the CIA's most effective agent." "I concluded it must be to counteract the humiliation of knowing your balls are at the end of a very long leash held by a very short man." "I'm sure you understand humiliation better than most." "Really?" "How so?" "Well, after your performance last night," "I thought I should read up on you." "Rather a sad story, what with your dad being a big pal of Stalin's... and a top government official with all the perks and privileges..." "Right up until he was caught embezzling party funds." "How old were you when he was sent to the Gulag?" "10?" "11 years old?" "Was that when the psychotic episodes started?" "You did, however, rise above it." "Special forces, KGB." "The youngest man to join, in fact, and their best within three years." "I do wonder if it was your father's shame, that gave you such drive, though." "Or... was it your mother's reputation?" "I understand that she was extremely popular, amongst your father's friends after he was shipped off to Siberia." "America is teaming up with Russia." "Is this a joke?" "It should tell you how important this mission is." "To everyone." "I'm not going back behind that wall." "And at the end of this, that's what they'll want." "You don't have to go anywhere that you don't want to go." "You're the star of this show." "My woman would never wear anything like that." "What's he doing here?" "I told you, we're teaming up with the Russians." "Doesn't get any more Russian than the Red Peril here." "And why did he call me his woman?" "Because I am now your fiancée." "No, no, no, no, no, no." "No!" "Smoothly done." "Gaby." "Gaby." "Wait." "Give me a minute to explain." "It's your cover." "He's an architect designing a new resort... for heroes of the Soviet Union by the black sea." "The Russian minister of culture has a weakness for classical architecture and he's sending your man there to Rome to study." "He's also managed to secure a visa for his fiancée." "And naturally, you'd introduce him to your beloved Uncle Rudi." "And what about you?" "What's your cover?" "Jack Deveny, antiquities dealer, specializing in Greek and Roman sculpture." "The Vinciguerra family just happen to have one of the finest collections in the world." "You're asking too much of me." "You'll do fine." "No." "These dresses are all in your size." "Excuse me?" "Soviet architect traveling to Rome would never dress his woman in the clothes you tried to put her in." "You tried to dress her like someone on your side thinks someone dress behind the iron curtain." "She's from behind the iron curtain." "That doesn't mean she wants to bring it with her." "We need two purses, please." "An everyday and a clutch." "And grab that belt." "No." "No, not the Dior, the Rabanne." "You can't put a Paco Rabanne belt on a Patou." "She's not going to wear a Patou." "What's wrong with a Patou?" "Nothing, if you're fat." "The Dior goes with the Rabanne." "It won't match." "It doesn't have to match." "Have you seen the price of this handbag?" "It costs more than my car." "You can get back on your horse now, cowboy." "I'll see you in Rome." "Not bad." "I like this." "Yes." "But it's missing..." "A little something." "Now we are engaged." "Congratulations." "Enjoy your stay, Mr.Waverly." "I hope so." "Jack Deveny." "Checking in." "Welcome to Rome, Mr.Deveny." "Thank you." "I have a quick errand to run." "Could you have my bag taken to my room, please?" "Of course." "Thank you." "Luigi." "Where are we going?" "The same place every architect goes when they visit Rome." "To see the sights." "Hm." "So, Mr.Architect..." "I'm sure you've done your homework." "Why don't you tell me a bit about the steps." "Good question." "The steps were constructed in 1723." "Credited to two Italian architects." "Really, built by Russian." "Sergei Ivanov." "Now, Sergei also had mother, Yagatha, who introduced him to classical architecture and whom he revered as his muse." "Unfortunately for Sergei, his mother died in the middle of construction." "So in memory of his beloved Yagatha, he make one step to celebrate every year of his mother's life." "So she died at 135." "No." "She died at 100." "He was 35." "So 135 steps." "Impressive." "So she gave birth at the age of 65?" "No." "I... evening, comrade." "You're not supposed to be making contact in public." "You're being followed." "I know." "Two men from hotel lobby, mid-30s, one in brown suit, other in leather jacket, which is why you should leave." "They diverted when you turned down the steps." "So I imagine they'll be waiting ahead for you." "I will handle them." "Handle?" "Just to avoid any confusion, you do mean give 'em your wallet and act scared?" "Scared?" "What's going on?" "You're being tested." "Someone is trying to make sure that your fiancé is really an architect and not someone who's trained how to fight." "KGB agent, for example." "I said you are not needed here." "I think you should do as he says." "And remember..." "Take it like a pussy." "This is not the Russian way." "Nice shoes." "Thank you." "Perhaps you give them to me." "I think your feet are a little small." "Then gimme some money for coffee." "Hm?" "Dearest..." "Give the gentlemen something for coffee." "Enjoy your coffee." "Nice watch." "Darling, give him the watch." "And the ring." "Thank you." "Give me the watch!" "Give him the watch!" "Illya." "Do as he says." "Calm down." "Not very good at this whole subtlety thing, are you?" "That man stole my father's watch." "Aren't you supposed to be a Russian architect?" "Da, but a Russian architect would fight." "Russian agent would've killed them both." "So it's no trouble unless you continue to question my actions." "So you've actually thought this through." "Would you like to finish what you started?" "Stop!" "You two are supposed to be looking after me." "So why am I playing mother, huh?" "Either you start to look like you know what you're doing..." "Or I'm out of here." "It's open." "Good evening, Mr.Deveny." "With the compliments of the hotel." "I apologize it wasn't brought up earlier." "Thank you very much." "Is there anything else I can do for you?" "It's a fine bottle of champagne." "Be a shame to drink it alone." "Oh!" "Uh..." "I'm still on duty, Mr.Deveny." "Pity." "But..." "My shift ends in five minutes." "I'm sure we can find something to do for five minutes." "There's a party tomorrow to celebrate the 50th anniversary of Vinciguerra shipping." "Uncle Rudi has invited us." "Drink?" "No, thank you." "Would you like bigger glass?" "I will finish this bottle." "The only question is..." "Are you gonna help me or not?" "No, thank you." "This is fun?" "(CRY TO ME BY SOLOMON BURKE)" "* When your baby leaves you all alone * * And nobody calls you on the phone *" "* And don't ya feel like cryin', don't ya feel like cryin' * * Well, here I am honey, c'mon... *" "This is not good idea." "* When you're all alone * * in your lonely room *" "I am going to bed." "Please turn this off." "* And there's nothing but * * the smell of her perfume *" "No fun dancing by yourself." "* Don't ya feel like cryin'... *" "I need a partner." "...No." "No, as you can't dance?" "* Don't ya feel like cryin' *" "Or you don't want to?" "We'll call it both." "* Nothin' can be sadder than a glass of wine, alone * * Loneliness, loneliness, such a waste of time, oh yeah *" "Clap." "And then..." "Sorry." "Sorry." "* oh you see, oh c'mon, take my hand * * Baby won't ya walk with me?" "Oh oh yeah *" "You're not in East German chop shop anymore." "Still no drink?" "Don't you make me put you over my knee." "So you don't want to dance." "But you do want to wrestle." "No, I did not say that." "* Loneliness, loneliness, such a waste of... *" "* Baby won't ya walk with me?" "*" "Waitin' for a voice to come *" "* In the night...but there is no one *" "* Don't ya feel like cryin' * * Cry to me *" "* Don't ya feel like cryin' * * Cry to me *" "* Don't ya feel like cry-cry-cryin' * * Cry to me *" "* Don't ya feel like cry-cry-cryin' * * Cry to me *" "Good night, little chop shop girl." "This time, I do need to go." "That is disappointing." "Just another five minutes?" "I know your five minutes, Mr.Deveny." "What are you doing here?" "You're not supposed to be here." "These... are..." "Russian... made." "One second." "These... are..." "American... made." "And very low-tech." "That bow tie doesn't work with that suit." "Good morning." "I enjoyed last night." "Is better for the mission that we get to know each other little bit more... intimately." "What does that mean?" "It means I like my woman strong." "Come." "Come on." "Maybe I get you present." "Mm." "Pump the brakes, my Russian friend." "We might be engaged, but I'm my own woman." "Besides, I wouldn't be wearing my engagement ring." "Remember?" "It's only just been stolen." "Your fiancé would have gone out first thing in the morning to replace it." "Now we are engaged." "Again." "After you, fiancée." "(FIVE MONTHS, TWO WEEKS, TWO DAYS BY LOUIS PRIMA) * 5 Months, 2 Weeks, 2 Days *" "* My lovin' baby's been gone * * 5 Months, 2 Weeks, 2 Days *" "Beg your pardon." "* If you see my baby, * * Please send her home to me *" "* Hurry, oh oh, baby * * Hurry... *" "* 5 Months, 2 Days... * * Lose my mind *" "* Hurry, oh oh, baby * * Hurry, oh oh, baby *" "Excuse me, sir?" "Excuse me?" "Sir?" "Excuse me, sir?" "Your invitation?" "Of course." "I wonder, did I leave it in the jag?" "Could you please come with me, sir?" "I'm sure we can clear this up." "Why on earth would you do that?" "Sorry, he doesn't have an invitation." "Are you okay?" "Thank you." "But..." "Thank you." "I wonder what they do to people without invitations." "I'm Victoria Vinciguerra." "I do believe an apology is in order." "I'll take it from here." "Thank you." "Oh!" "I'm okay, I think." "Is this beautiful woman I hardly recognize, my favorite niece?" "Gaby." "Been too long." "You are a miracle worker, sir." "I want to hear all about how you managed to get her out." "Contessa!" "Jack Deveny." "Come sta, Contessa?" "Yes, please." "Tell me, how does a Russian architect meet a German car mechanic in East Berlin?" "Well, it started when I was brought out, to make improvements on 9 kilometer of the wall." "And one morning, I was coming home..." "He rear ended a tank." "That is when I met the most expensive mechanic in East Germany." "And did they make you build the wall as well as design it?" "You're shaped like a powerlifter, not an architect." "I like to jog." "How did you get the invitation to my party?" "Before we get there... allow me." "Contessa's a little heavy with the lipstick." "And you're a little light with your fingers." "Come sta, Contessa?" "Well, I doubt she'll miss it." "Etruscan, isn't it?" "Oh!" "May I?" "If you don't, there could be trouble." "What about my watch?" "Are we in a rush?" "No, I don't suppose we are." "Now tell me, when did this happy accident occur?" "Two years ago." "Two years ago?" "Yes." "You never wrote your Uncle Rudi a word about it." "I wanted to make sure it was serious." "Or were you, perhaps, ashamed?" "Why would she be ashamed?" "I know that the equity of aristocratic blood is not appreciated by most communists." "But a good German girl, knows never to mix the blood of a racehorse with that of a cart horse." "Uncle Rudi?" "That's not a very nice thing to say." "Don't be so protective." "I'm sure our weightlifter can defend himself." "Excuse me." "So you're a thief." "I like to call myself a specialist in complicated acquisitions." "I hope you wear a mask." "Sometimes." "Just never when I'm stealing things." "What is it, exactly, that you think you can do for me, Mr.Jack?" "Let's just say I fill gaps in important collections." "Those one or two special pieces that are impossible to acquire without the... the requisite skill set." "Victoria, this is my Gaby." "The famous niece!" "Hello." "I need to use the sink." "So use the ladies." "What brings you to Rome, Mr.Deveny?" "Just here to see the sights." "Oh!" "Rudi." "Ah, Waverly." "Nice to see you." "Waverly runs the shipping department at British oil." "Excuse me, I said I need to use the sink." "What?" "I am sorry I'm so late, Rudi." "I stupidly seem to have lost my invitation." "Jack Deveny." "Yes." "Yes, I think we bumped into each other outside." "Beg your pardon." "I do apologize." "No, not at all." "Not at all." "I noticed you're very good with your hands." "Excuse me?" "He said, Use the ladies." "I witnessed your trick with the tablecloth." "That's brilliant!" "Were you once a waiter or...?" "Have the jets been cleansed and totally rechecked for size and flow?" "Oh, really?" "Do you want to fix it?" "I'd be delighted." "So I just need the wrench." "I'd better give the Contessa back her bracelet." "Why don't you pop into the office tomorrow morning." "We can talk more about filling in my gaps." "I'll try not to disappoint." "You see, each one of us has a destiny." "And I believe I can help you with yours." "You can see the future?" "I can see us having lunch tomorrow." "Alone." "Darling, time to go." "Sorry." "Darling, I'll be a minute." "Now." "What are you doing?" "Another time, perhaps." "Leaving so soon?" "Illya isn't feeling very well." "But we've had a wonderful time." "Thank you, Uncle Rudi." "Where's Peril?" "He's been in there half an hour." "You've been spending a lot of time in bathrooms recently." "Apparently, you put someone called Count Lippi, in hospital." "He had soft bones and don't question my methods." "What's he done?" "Super agent here decided to have some fun, with three young Italian boys in the men's room." "They had it coming." "You need to control your temper." "Your new boyfriend is a Nazi." "How did you find Alexander Vinciguerra?" "I think he's an athletic, good-looking gazillionaire who's offered me a job and made advances towards me." "Still a Nazi." "I quite like him." "Yes, but is he up to no good?" "If you mean by 'No good', is he trying to steal me away from my fiancé?" "The answer is yes." "That's not happening." "I don't know what you're upset about." "You're not even my fiancé!" "As far as he is concerned, I am." "And for the purpose of the mission, I am." "So, like I said, it's not happening." "Look at this." "This film I'm using has been treated to be sensitive to gamma radiation." "These blurred lines here means they've been in close proximity to radioactive material in last 24 hours, which means they have succeeded in enriching the uranium." "We need to move quicker." "Tell you what, I'm gonna go sleep on this." "Is this what you call sleeping on it?" "I suppose you're responsible for the lights?" "You're welcome." "The thing is..." "I work better alone." "I work better alone, too." "I'm not leaving." "We have approximately 10 minutes before the power comes back on." "You want to sit around and talk about it..." "Okay, I'll let you tag along." "But it's in and out, no mess, so nobody knows we've been here." "And we both forget about it in the morning." "Okay." "What is that?" "Super-hardened Boron sharpened with a CO2 laser." "Hmm." "CO2 laser." "Coming?" "I take top." "I'll take the bottom." "Problem?" "Is there anything I can do to help?" "Yes." "Be quiet." "Just let me do it." "Shall we?" "Loving your work, Peril." "Suca." "You do the labs." "I'll take the floor." "Meet me on the gantry in five minutes." "Try not to get lost." "I didn't find anything." "Wait." "Why?" "I thought that was my father's watch." "Make mistake." "And what exactly did you do to him?" "At KGB, we call it the kiss." "It takes years to master." "Although he's standing upright, he's completely unconscious." "He'll be like this for 20 minutes." "Can't touch." "Generator's back on." "Why do you think they have radiation tools and suit in satellite factory?" "Next to hidden button." "We wouldn't have found that without my father's watch." "Want to have a go?" "Be my guest." "Hold this." "And these." "Uh, open these." "This..." "Is a Swiss-built..." "Vortbinderlanszmann 7010 model." "It has dual combination locks, triple return rotators... and synchronized cylinders." "The earlier models... had a design flaw." "It's a flaw I intend to exploit." "Still... very difficult to open." "But it's not... impossible." "And the flaw was... people who designed this model are not very good... at stealing things." "I, however... am." "Did you deactivate alarm?" "Model 7010 doesn't have an alarm." "Loving your work, cowboy." "Time to go!" "Does this mean anything to you?" "It's part of centrifuge for refining uranium." "I am not staying here." "Where are you gonna go?" "Swimming." "We've got three exits and two of them are closed." "I would recommend turning before you hit that wall." "The last thing I need is your help." "You're not gonna make it." "Just shut up and watch me work." "Hold on, cowboy." "(CHE VUOLE QUESTA MUSICA STASERA BY PEPPINO GAGLIARDI)" "* Now that there is nothing between us *" "* Though I still hear your words *" "Hmm." "* Those words that that do not feel more *" "* The world around did not exist * * for the happiness you gave me *" "* That I do now everyday *" "* If not, in my days you are gone *" "* I want this music tonight that * * brings back a little of the past *" "* That brings back a little of your love * * brings a little of you *" "* When you're gone * * the world around does not exist *" "* For the happiness you gave me *" "* What do I do now?" "*" "* If there is more of you, in my day *" "* Who wants this music tonight?" "*" "* That shows a bit of the past... *" "* that shows a bit of your love *" "* A bit of...you *" "Keep quiet." "Follow me." "Connect Victoria, for me." "Central Plaza hotel, please." "Mr.Deveny's room, please." "Hello?" "Gaby...?" "It's done." "Room 304, please." "The meeting is confirmed." "(JIMMY RENDA-SE BY TOM ZE)" "* Guta me look mi look love me * * Guta me look mi look love me *" "* Tac sutaque destaque tac she * * Tique butique que tique te gamou *" "* Tique butique que tique te gamou * * Toque-se rock se rock rock me *" "* Ô Jâni chope chope * * Ie relê reiê relê" "Sorry, Mrs.Vinciguerra, there's no answer." "Key?" "* Guta me look mi look love me * * Guta me look mi look love me *" "* Tac sutaque destaque tac she * * Tac sutaque destaque tac she *" "* Jâni chope chope chope chope * * Jâni chope chope chope chope *" "What's going on?" "Where's my case?" "* Guta me look mi look love me * * Guta me look mi look love me *" "* Tac sutaque destaque tac she *" "Hello, Victoria?" "Grape?" "You bugged him?" "He tried to bug me." "He doesn't sound like he needs your help." "You sure Victoria believed you?" "I gave it everything I had." "Believe me." "I also got another meeting with her later today." "So, what, we just let Gaby go with Uncle Rudi?" "If there's a chance he'll lead us to her father, do we have a choice?" "This could be like leading lamb to slaughter." "Going soft, Peril?" "What you talking about?" "Good morning." "Morning." "Your tracker's not sending a signal." "Have you turned it on?" "I think so." "Or do you want to check it?" "Be my guest." "It's your tracker." "You're the expert." "I'll be on the balcony." "They're still cold." "Sorry." "What are you doing down there?" "Trying not to get lost." "You're trembling." "That's because I'm scared." "It's going to be okay." "How do you know?" "I'll be..." "I'll be close by." "All turned on now?" "Uncle Rudi's car has arrived." "Are you ready?" "So your Uncle Rudi thinks we should have a little chat." "I know my father is here and that he works for you." "And how is that?" "Simple." "I think I need to make a telephone call." "Well, perhaps you've come to us at a fortuitous time, Miss Teller." "Your father's work ethic has been, as of late, somewhat lacking." "Your presence will provide the necessary motivation." "You leave my father to me." "Madame Vinciguerra will be with you shortly." "She would like it if you make yourself comfortable." "Thank you." "Help yourself to a drink." "So sorry to keep you waiting." "You don't look like you slept much last night, Mr.Deveny." "Funny you should say that, Madame Vinciguerra." "Don't think this scotch is helping either." "If I were a suspicious man," "I would say you put something in my drink." "It's much easier to trust a drink you fixed yourself." "But how did you know I was gonna drink the scotch?" "I didn't." "I laced all the drinks." "I don't like to leave much to chance..." "Mr.Solo." "I thought I was doing so well." "Oh, don't be so hard on yourself." "You were doing fantastically well." "The fault doesn't lie in your performance." "However, you couldn't control the loyalty of young Gaby." "She gave you up like an unwanted kitten." "I know my father is here and that he works for you." "And how is that?" "Simple, my fiancé's a KGB agent." "And the American...your wife has been entertaining, is with the CIA." "The Russians and the Americans thought they were using me, but I was using them to get to you." "Really?" "She seemed so innocent." "You're not the first man to have fallen for the charms of a pretty, young woman." "It's a tracking device." "He's probably out there in the woods watching us right now." "I'm sure my... fiancé can confirm everything I've said." "If you can catch him." "I think I need to make a telephone call." "What are you doing?" "I've been here before." "And last time, I fell rather badly and hurt my head." "I'm afraid that isn't going to stop you getting hurt." "Sleep well, Napoleon." "Only my mother calls me Napoleon." "Mummy says hello." "You may have heard of the Dark Angel of Ravensberg, the butcher of Belsen." "And my personal favorite:" "The fifth horseman, Doctor of the apocalypse." "What history has failed to relate is that this was not three individuals, but the tireless work of a single artist." "And today, you have the privilege of experiencing his work firsthand." "Hello again, Mr.Solo." "My apologies." "There's a short in the wiring." "I thought I'd located it." "I keep telling the maestro to modernize, but alas... he's a hopeless sentimentalist." "Oh!" "We have contact." "Ah!" "My apologies." "Won't happen again." "I'm so sorry I can't stay to finish you off myself." "Rudi's never in a rush, but sadly, I am." "And I want it to be slow." "I'll send your regards to little Gaby." "Once upon a time, there was a little boy." "You wouldn't describe him, as a particularly special little boy." "He was neither tall nor handsome, charismatic or amusing." "In fact, he appeared to be exceedingly dull." "Because of this boy's apparent shortcomings, he was bullied mercilessly and relentlessly by the other children." "Year merged with miserable year as life continued to be a living hell." "But what the other boys didn't understand about their victim was that he didn't see them as enemies." "He saw them as instruments of learning." "A priceless lesson was gleaned from his tormentors." "Man has only two masters in this world." "And their names are pain and fear." "The boy found he had quite a talent for eliciting these feelings in others." "So on the principle of playing to your strengths, he decided to make their cultivation his life's work." "Fortunately for this boy, history gave him an unprecedented opportunity." "A world war!" "The canvas, Mr.Solo, on which he would produce his greatest work." "You will go here, Mr.Solo." "A whole page just for you." "And not in black and white, like the others." "No." "Kodachrome!" "The colors are so real, you can almost taste them." "Ready?" "There are two kinds of torture, Mr.Solo." "One is for the extraction of information." "The other... is for its own sake." "I must admit, this does get frustrating." "But fortunately..." "I'm in an old-fashioned mood." "I think we'll start... with the pliers." "I never thought I'd say this." "I'm actually quite pleased to see you." "You doing okay, cowboy?" "I thought I found all your trackers." "You did, just not the ones in your shoes." "Do you mind?" "You don't have to do things to me to make me talk." "I'll tell you everything I know." "You won't be able to stop me." "What about Gaby?" "She betrayed you." "I will testify." "Don't kick yourself." "She fooled me, too." "It's not the same." "They have a glitch." "Then I'll fix it." "Wait." "Please wait." "Do you still have Teller?" "Yes." "Has he succeeded in enriching the uranium?" "Oh, we are way beyond that." "There's already a bomb, a nuclear warhead." "The reichsmarschall will take delivery tomorrow morning at 8:00." "They're sending a submarine." "Between that time and now, it is being held on Vinciguerra Island, the family's private retreat." "I'll appear in court." "I'll inform on anyone." "I don't even need to know them." "I'm yours to command!" "Will you give us a minute?" "Don't go anywhere." "I'll be right here." "What do you think we should do?" "We have to get to that Island." "What should we do with him?" "It's your call." "You're the one he's been having fun with." "On the one hand, we need him, he's a world of information." "But on the other hand, I know exactly what'll happen." "He'll strike a deal and struggle out of it." "He's prepared to sell his ass on this, and for that, they'll give him his freedom." "He'll be out within months." "Or worse, they'll offer him a job." "A man with that skill set's never wanted for employment." "So, what do you think we should do?" "Just give me a minute." "Huh?" "He fixed the glitch." "Damn!" "I left my jacket in there." "I'll let you two get reacquainted." "Okay." "Thank you." "That got their attention." "They'll have chopper waiting for us at airport." "Gaby..." "Mr.Solo, we meet again." "Mr.Kuryakin, my name's Waverly." "I believe your instructions are to follow me, so, uh... follow me." "Very well done, my darling." "They will send an army to stop us." "Then we must give them an appropriate welcome." "The line is secured." "You're now connected, sir." "You will report to Commander Waverly of British Naval Intelligence for the remainder of the mission." "It is vital you retrieve," "Dr.Teller and the computer disk." "They are the key, to the U.S. of A winning the arms race." "Kill the Russian, if necessary." "Gentlemen, can you hear me?" "Well, now if the Nazis are due to take delivery of this bomb at 0800, then that gives us... a luxurious 14 hours in which to seize the Island, secure the warhead." "And winkle out poor Professor Teller." "There is also, of course, the small matter of retrieving my agent." "You have British agent in this?" "Well, she's not British." "She?" "Here we go!" "I'm starting to smell the irony." "Gaby's working for you, isn't she?" "Oh, well done, Solo, yep, yep." "You got there in the end." "My father has been unwell." "That and the stress led to self-doubt." "He's ready now to resume his work." "A daughter's touch." "Gaby has agreed to assist me to assure I finish in time." "Now that is a good idea." "You're wrong." "The thing is, Kuryakin, that when Professor Teller disappeared, we assumed that his Nazi colleagues would come knocking at his daughter's door, so we recruited her and waited." "And what we got, of course, was you two." "I've been meaning to thank you very much for nearly fouling up two years of my work." "You're wrong, I saw her betray us at Vinciguerra." "Yes, I told her to." "The meeting is confirmed." "I think you know what you have to do, Miss Teller." "You were about to be exposed, Kuryakin." "It was the only way she could stay in the game." "She knew that the ring you gave her was bugged and that you'd be listening to every word she said." "If you can catch him." "That would give even the average Russian agent, plenty of time to escape." "And, of course, you are not average, are you, Kuryakin?" "You're special." "Let me translate this into English." "You told Gaby to drop us in it, so you could find her father first." "But now you've lost her, so you need us to help find her and finish the job." "Well, that is a very poor translation, Solo, but... well, in a nutshell, yes, please." "Thank you very much." "I think it's rather nice." "I mean, we're obviously all very fond of Gaby and now we have a chance to save her, so..." "Terrific!" "We're a little early." "What is that?" "!" "It's an aircraft carrier, Kuryakin." "For a special agent, you aren't having a very special day, are you?" "Reflector lens." "So, what does that do?" "Well, it's known as a coupler." "It sends a signal which enables another missile to lock onto this one for double the impact." "It's left over from when this was a warhead that contained conventional explosives." "Now that we are converting it to nuclear, it's redundant." "I'm sorry." "We're nearly done, Victoria." "Those are the words we've been waiting to hear." "What are you doing?" "Let's both stop playing games, shall we?" "Put her in a cell." "If you don't hear from me in 20 minutes, kill her." "That's how long you have to finish this." "You can start by putting back the correct lens, professor." "So, Vinciguerra Island." "The plot is... and stop me if I get this wrong, Jockelson... a stealth attack on the Island from the sea." "We shall go in through the front door here at the harbor." "Jockelson and his men will get you in there and keep the enemy entertained." "The rest is up to you." "It's done." "And with three minutes to spare." "The computer disk with your research on it, where is it?" "And the backup." "What about Gaby?" "She'll be joining you shortly." "Looks like we found Dr.Teller." "The bomb was here." "Hm." "Illya, come in." "I'm here." "Alexander has Gaby and the bomb." "They're at the entrance." "Illya!" "Solo!" "Cowboy." "I'll be okay, Peril." "It's okay." "Well done, chaps." "Just one small snag." "Wrong warhead." "So it's a decoy." "No, no, no, it's a real bomb." "Quite a nasty one, too." "But not nuclearized." "There's no uranium in it." "There was a second warhead in the lab." "Did you check everything I asked, captain?" "Radar, sonar, aerial patrols all report no other vehicles have left this Island, since last night." "That includes submarines." "What about fishing boats leaving the mainland?" "The boats go out every morning at dawn." "I saw them." "How many of them are there?" "Almost 100." "They are spread out over a 60 kilometer radius by now." "Yes, and that radius is expanding every minute." "We don't even know which boat we're looking for." "Rumor has it that Sergio Vinciguerra, who was responsible, for smuggling the Nazi gold to South America, at the end of the war..." "He died five years ago, having built Vinciguerra into one of the biggest shipping companies in the world." "Submarine surfaces at 0800, which gives us 20 minutes, gentlemen." "Diadema." "That's Sergio Vinciguerra's old fishing boat." "I suggest we start there." "Can you get them on the radio?" "You can get a bearing from the radio signal, yes?" "If we keep them broadcasting for long enough." "I have an idea which might make things quicker." "Ten minutes and counting." "Mr.Solo, this is your cue." "Thank you." "Diadema, this is Napoleon Solo." "Hello, Victoria." "I suspect that you're already listening, so I'll give you this message directly." "Earlier today, I killed your husband." "We're wasting our time." "This isn't working." "If you could just shut up, thank you very much, Captain." "Ramp it up, please, Solo." "Come on." "I'd like to report that he died honorably, courageously and selflessly." "But he didn't." "Instead, it was a rather pitiful affair involving tears, begging, and offers to trade anything and, indeed, anyone, so that I would spare his life." "Napoleon." "I appreciate your message, and now I hope you'll appreciate mine." "Any blood relation of yours still living will be dead within the year." "They will die slowly and painfully." "And you know from personal experience this is an area in which we excel." "Bearing 045, Captain." "There's nothing you'll be able to do but witness their suffering as you await your own death, which I will save for last." "This I vow on my husband's soul." "It's all yours, Captain." "Thank you." "Won't you have to inform your organization to achieve that?" "After we deliver the warhead you so desperately sought, it will be the first item on my agenda." "And you will die, Solo, knowing you failed completely." "We have the Professor's disk." "We can build as many bombs as we need." "Ready?" "Yes, proceed please, Captain." "I see one flaw in that plan." "Entertain me." "While you've been telling me how dangerous you are, we've been locking on to your radio signal." "Now, you can get a bearing from the radio signal, yes?" "If we keep them broadcasting for long enough." "They're at 045, Captain." "It's all yours, Captain." "Thank you." "Now we have your general location." "It won't help you much." "I'll be gone in five minutes." "I haven't finished." "The coupling device that you so considerately left us on your decoy warhead is accurate to 10 feet." "I have an idea which might make things quicker." "Well, it's known as a coupler." "It sends a signal which enables another missile to lock onto this one for double the impact." "The coupling device is now activated, and the bomb is armed." "That warhead, although not nuclear, shouldn't have any trouble obliterating a medium sized fishing boat." "The aforementioned warhead launched..." "Ready?" "Yes, proceed please, Captain." "45 seconds ago... giving you about 30 seconds until impact." "It won't trigger the nuclear warhead, as that requires fission." "So..." "If you do want to make good on your vow," "I suggest you abandon ship immediately." "How's that for entertainment?" "Very good." "Well done, Solo." "All packed?" "The bellboy is on his way up." "It's time to go home." "How about you?" "I'm not going back to East Germany." "No, that is probably not a good idea for a British spy." "I'm sorry." "I really wanted to tell you, but..." "It's okay." "I would have done exactly the same thing in your position." "I'm sorry about your father." "I lost him a long time ago." "Cowboy's invited us for a drink up in his room, if you'd like." "I have to see Waverly." "In case we don't see each other again." "No." "You should keep it." "As souvenir." "That way, I can keep track of you." "Hello." "Come in, just finishing up." "Fix us a couple of drinks." "I think we've earned them." "I guess it's business as usual now." "Back to how things were." "Politics being what they are." "You feeling okay?" "So, what now?" "Mission accomplished?" "Head back to Russia?" "Something like this." "Yes." "You?" "New York." "Almost forgot." "Got something for you." "You know what my mission is?" "Same as mine was." "Kill me if necessary..." "To get that." "Absolutely hated working with you, Peril." "You're a terrible spy, cowboy." "Good evening, gentlemen." "Rather touching scene." "Nice view, glass of whiskey, and a little bonfire to keep you warm." "Rather good idea." "So I have news." "A fresh little unpleasantness has arisen." "But I've spoken to your superiors, and now that we're all such good friends, they've kindly agreed to let me keep the team together for a while." "We leave in an hour." "Where we going?" "Istanbul." "Kuryakin." "You'll need your curlywurly shoes." "Oh, and you have a new code name." "A code name?" "Yes, rather a good one:" "U.N.C.L.E." "(TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS BY NINA SIMONE)" "* Don't talk just hold me closer * * let me sit on top of your knee *" "* Go ahead and take care of business * * for me, for me, for me *" "* Oh Lord, don't keep me waiting * * be as firm as can be *" "* Go ahead and take care of business * * for me, for me, for me *" "* In all my life no-one has touched me so close * * Nor made me feel so sweet *" "* I say to you, you are God's gift to all womanhood * * Take it from me, take it from me *" "* You know, you know, know, know,... *" "* Don't talk just hold me closer * * let me sit on top of your knee *" "* Go ahead and take care of business * * for me, for me, for me *" "* Oh Lord, don't keep me waiting * * And I want the whole round world to see *" "* How you can take, care of me * * for me, for me, for me *" "* Go home, take care of business for me *" "* Yeah, yeah go home... * * Take care of business for me *"