"I now sentence you to twelve years!" "Objection!" "I'm taking away the Nespresso machine." "Helen!" "You could help me find Justin." "Can I have your Fitness First card?" "You were my supply teacher at senior school." "Too little, too late." "We won the lottery!" "Yes!" "Don't you tell anyone about this." "Shhh!" " You can't represent me against my will." " Yes, I bloody can." "I'm Justin." "What are you doing in my flat?" "Mashta Fembuick..." "Well, this changes everything." "Bingo!" "Dear Maurice, thank you for your postcard." "In answer to your query" " I did experiment with that as a teenager, although I soon realised - lady's top half, fine, bottom half- nooo, thank you." "But never say never!" "I've been in Broadmarsh eight weeks now, though it feels like yesterday I was trying on wedding dresses and deciding on our first dance - anything by Daniel Bedingfield - not Gotta Get Thru This." "My lawyer, Tony, has been about as useful to me as a dandelion tincture in the face of cancer, so I'm afraid, at the moment, we're on non speakers." "Can't help thinking, I should forget lawyers and handle my case myself." "I'm sure you'd give me the same advice, although as you say, it's different for you because you did actually kill all those people." "Helen!" "I'm fine." "I'm fine." "There's still no sign of my darling fiance, Justin." "Aside from the fact that I need my alibi," "I'm worried he's changed his mind about the wedding." "But I need to be positive." "Maybe he's had a terrible accident and is in a coma somewhere." " Was the sofa OK to sleep on?" " Yeah." "Sorry you couldn't sleep in your bed, Helen's bed." "Oh, I'm off to see Helen." "She requested a visit." "I should tell her you're back." "When are you going in?" "I think I might leave it a couple more days." "I'm still getting over my jet lag." "You can get jet lag from the Eurostar?" "Well, it's certainly taken it out of me." "I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention anything about me..." "You know, being... alive." "I need a bit more time." "These last few months have been an emotional roller coaster." "Maybe I need to unlock here, before I can... unlock her." " I need your help." " I'm very well, thanks for asking." " How are you?" " Oh, God, just..." "Shhh!" "OK?" "I'm thinking about representing myself now." "What?" "What's Tony going to do?" "He needs this job, Helen." "This is about me, not Tony." "It's always about you, that's the problem." "If you weren't so selfish, maybe you wouldn't be in prison." "Shut up!" "I'm selfish?" "You've visited me once in the last eight weeks." "I was waiting in for a parcel from Eye Secrets." "Oh, it's not about that, OK?" "I need your help because I'm thinking about teaching myself law." "You know, Like Erin Brockovich or the Lorenzo's Oil guys." "Really?" "No offence, Helen, but I used to copy your old homework until I realised I got better grades if I didn't hand anything in." "I've always thought I'd make a fantastic lawyer, though." "Good, because I need you to assist me." "You'd have more access to books and together, we could get me out of here." "Listen Helen, I'd love to, but I've got a very busy life." "I'm out two to three nights a week." "That's a shame." "It's just..." "I thought it might make a good story if we ever felt like selling the film rights." "What film rights?" "The Hollywood film deal." "Think about it." "They're crying out for a story like this - two sisters, separated by prison, one of them in for a crime she didn't commit." " Younger sister played by..." " Beyonce?" "I don't know if that would work, because I was thinking" " Jennifer Aniston could play me." " Or Whoopi Goldberg." "Anyway, younger sister learns law to a top level, gets older sister out." "It's got everything." "Yeah, I suppose it does." "What, I'd just have to learn some law?" "Yeah!" "You'd have to get your skates on because my appeal's looming" "I think representing myself could really work." "No-one gives more of a shit about me than me." "Is that my cardigan?" "I'm actually quite excited about this." "I once had a try-out for the school debating team." "Didn't get in, but, you know, it shows the seeds were sown." "Wow." "When you do get out of here, and I get out of here and you get married to Justin, can I be your maid of honour?" "I don't know, Christine..." "I've got loads of funny stories for the speech, like the time you were given a cavity search, and accidentally called the warden Mum." "Wow!" "That's a Lorra, Lorra Law." "What the hell?" "Where's all the books?" "Found one!" "Mornin' ladies, yeah?" "Having fun with the books, yawn." " Can we help you with something?" " It's the first of the month." "You know what that means?" " White rabbits!" " Shut up." "It means payday." "Top Dog wants four fags, from everyone." "You do this, Christine?" "I've got mine on direct debit, so I don't have to worry about it." "Well, I haven't smoked since my first Holy Communion, so you'll have to get your snouts elsewhere." "Right." "Well, I think Top Dog will find other ways to make you pay." "Like with biscuits." "I'll leave you with this to think about." "Margaret, I think I know what this is about, and first of all, she's a lying skank, and what's more, I was just patting her there because she looked upset." " Take your top off, Frank." " OK." " What?" " Off." "Now." "Get it off." "And the vest." " I want you..." " Yeah..." "Here, midday tomorrow." "Eh?" "I'm going to paint you, Frank." " Like a model?" " Yes, like a model." "Ha." "I'm a bloody model!" "And Frank..." "Yes, ma'am?" "It wasn't a pat, it was a squeeze." "You're on six weeks library duty for touching up the prison chaplain." "Get out." "All right, yeah." "Hello, Entirely Tiles, can I put you on hold?" "Hello, Entirely Tiles, can I put you on hold?" " Hello, Entirely Tiles, can I put you on hold?" " 'Sorry.'" "Hello, Entirely Tiles, can I put you on hold?" "Hello, Entirely Tiles..." "Friday 11.24, Entirely Tiles offices." "Tony Norman is continuing with his..." "my endeavours, despite the client's protestations." "This is my chance to show Helen Stephens" "I am the right man for the job." "Hello, Entirely Tiles, can I put you on hold?" "VACUUM WHIRRS" "I appear to be in some sort of storeroom." "At first inspection, seems normal enough - catalogues, ring binders, dividers, four-colour biros paper-A3 and A4, oh, prickly thimbles..." "various colours." "Nothing untoward." "I think I'll just lay low in here for a bit, and then resume my investigation when the coast is clear." "CLATTERING" "TOP DOG SNIFFS" "This one's menthol." "Who smokes menthol, for flop's sake?" "We thought you'd like it as a pudding fag." "Oh yeah, like an after fag, fag." " It's the last straw." " That was Fatty's fault." "I don't give a pilchard's turd whose fault it is." "You can't even run a basic fag extortion payment scheme!" "It's not good enough." "I'm sick of you." "I'm going to get a new posse." "You're fired." "And I'm taking back your nicknames." " What?" " You 'eard." "Clare." "Imogen." "Claire with an I." "Sarah." "Sorry, I've forgotten your name." " Clare." " Clare!" "Ssh, Piccalilli." "I'm trying to nail my sister's case." "I'm not going to think about anything other than this case." "I'm literally 1,000% the law right now." "I'm like Robocop." "I need to focus on justice." "What are you looking at?" "We need a new boss." "You've got to be shitting me." "Listen to me, we need to move fast." "Without a leader, we're just a violent friendship circle." "We need a proper psycho." "She might say she didn't do it but they all say that." "She's definitely a killer." "Mary." "We need to talk..." "Argh!" "Erm, you've got a little bit of..." "What do you want?" "I just saw Helen Stephens' lawyer snooping around." "Have you told anyone about the missing money?" "No." "I haven't." "The only people who know about that money are you and a dead man." "And now me." "You, me and a dead man." "Why is he here then, eh?" "Seems a weird coincidence." "I don't know." "Maybe it's got something to do with that murdering bitch who killed our boss in this very office for no reason." "Oh, my God." "That's why she killed him," " Stephens knew about the money." " Take that back!" " Helen didn't kill anyone." " How can you be so sure?" "Because when you've looked into Helen's eyes as deeply as I have, you can see right through to her frontal lobe." "And that frontal lobe wouldn't hurt a fly." "Well, what about Mrs Bridges?" "Call it women's intuition, but that bitch is all over this." "Did you just let off?" "I most certainly did not." "Listen to me." "We need to move fast." "You need to go into the prison and find out whether that slag Helen knows anything about the money." "Call it women's intuition, but that bitch is all over this." " You just said that about Mrs Bridges." " What can I say?" " I've got a very sensitive bitch-dar." " OK." "But when we go back out there, we just need to act like everything's normal." "The last thing we need is Mrs Bridges getting wind of any of this." "My office." "Now." "Do you actually know anything about the law?" "Yeah." "Well, I've read all the John Grisham novels." "But I want to be all over the legalese - Go in there and really dazzle them." "I'm going to read every word of this pamphlet, so there's nothing they can pull me up on." "Do you want to see if you can find a legal precedent?" "I don't think so." "No offence to me, but I'm borderline backward." "I see myself as more of a "holding the ladder" type." "Oh!" "Shhh!" "Is she bothering you, boss?" " Why are you calling me boss?" " Because you're our boss now." "No, I am not!" "What about Miss Grainger?" " Who?" " Top Dog." " What about Top Dog?" " That's over." "We're yours now." "Well, I'm really flattered but I'm not looking to be anyone's leader right now." "I'm just a humble law student looking to learn my way out of here, so unless any of you know anything about law..." " Does anyone know anything about law?" " I used to be a barrister." " Really?" " Yeah, in Starbucks." "Shut up." " Sorry, Boss." " Stop calling me boss." " I'm not your boss." " You have been chosen." "Deal with it." "Ever since I got here, youse two have been up to something." "Whispering in your little corners, secret meetings in the cupboard." "Either youse two is nobbin' each other, which I don't want to think about, or there's something even nastier goin' on." "We were planning this year's Secret Santa." "In frickin' March?" " Secret Easter bunny?" " Oh." "Really?" "Well if you're so organised, how comes I ain't been asked to put in for the office lotto yet?" "Oh, yeah." "I've been going through this book." "I don't want miss out on all this good luck you've been having." "£87 last year." "That's a lot of moolah." "Where'd you get that book from?" "From the third drawer down of your desk." "That is your desk, innit, Mary?" "In fairness to Mary, the lottery's only just been resumed." "Helen Stephens was in charge of it but since she's been banged up in chokey, it's sort of gone to pot." "Mary's on it now." "Well, I am glad to hear it." "Anyone got change for a 50?" "Well, here's to a big win." "May I say, Elaine, you're an inspiration to us." "If you can move on from your Eric's untimely murder so quickly, then so can we." "You're very brave." "Some would say cold, but I say businesslike." "Thank you, Henry." "That'll be all." "Oh, and Mary." "I like a joke as much as the next person, but this is racially inappropriate." " That bitch knows something." " I know that bitch knows something!" "Sorry, sorry, Mary." "Listen to me." "This shit just got real." "I'll find out what that tart Bridges is up to, you find out what that money-loving-cow Stephens really knows." "How?" "Try looking into her frontal lobe a little bit deeper this time." " Now?" " No." " Now?" " No." " Now?" " All right." " Now?" " Oh, for fu..." "Right - everyone out." "I'm shutting shop." "No, we're entitled to another 40 minutes library time." "Oh, I do apologise," "I forgot this was the University of..." "like... you know, Swotty Boffins." "Let me just check with the dean." "He says piss the piss off." "So, I don't think anyone believed you existed until Helen announced her engagement." "You sure have been on a long stag do!" "It wasn't planned." "I was out in Prague and I kinda had this epiphany at a U2 concert, and well, I just decided to follow them on tour." "Well, you're not the first man to get cold feet and follow Bono round the world, and you certainly won't be the last." "I'm not sure my incarcerated sister would understand, though." "Yeah, I know, I'm going to sort it out." "I just don't think now's the right time." "Helen's only just settled into prison life." "She doesn't need another big shock at the moment." "I'll go and see her soon." "Promise." "Here you are." "Try this?" "What is that?" "Tomato cup-a-soup and Lea and Perrine sauce." "Mmm." "Shit." "I work well individually and as part of a team," "I'd really like to learn more about bullying and general scaremongering, and I think I'd bring a lot to the overarching threat of this group." "Very good." "And have you any experience of being in a gang?" "Yes, I spent three years in a fairly judgmental book group?" "How about combat?" "Karate, jujitsu, boxing?" "I'm pretty good at Zumba." "Good luck." "Thought we'd find you here." "We sorted out that skank Bella what was looking at you funny." "Bella?" "She's blind." "A thank you would be nice." "I'm not thanking you for beating up a blind woman." "We don't just beat up blind people willy-nilly where I come from." "I will not have this violence in my name." "I won't have it." "Will I not give her this then?" " What, is the library closed?" " Yeah." "Want us to open it for you?" " No, it's fine." " It's easy." " Seriously just leave it." " You just..." "What are you doing?" "Don't do that!" "What were we just saying about not having violence in my..." "Oh, nice one." "Ooh." "Sorry boss." "Just a bit higher?" "Up like that?" "Is that better?" "Yeah." "Margaret, how could you?" "With him!" "Do you know how many times I've pictured us making love on your chaise longue?" "And then I walk in and find you with him!" "What kind of sick role-play is this?" "I'm painting 'Poseidon's Return' and Frank is modelling for me." " Up a bit, Frank." " Like that, yeah?" "Enter." "Chitara, can you not?" "What do you want?" "Um, I just wondered if I could have a word?" "Speak." "In private?" "Double clap means leave, yeah?" "You bunch of whippet's shit-holes." " They seem nice." " What's it to you?" "Nothing!" "Just you look naturally good with a posse." "And?" "It's just a shame you had to get rid of the old ones." "You and your old crew had a certain horrible je ne sais quoi." "So you did learn something in my French class when you weren't putting excrement in my Radley handbag." "Yeah, well, since leaving school," "I've owned a mid-range handbag myself and I realise now that that kind of thing is actually really not that funny." "Shut up." "Why're you here?" "Well, just..." "Lenny's been asking for you." "She really misses you." "They all do." "Well, I've moved on." "That's over." "I've got a new posse now so get out." "OK, just, very quickly wanted to say the girls would love to see you..." "I'm going to kill you in a moment." "Don't do that!" "A bientot." "She was holding her breath to stop the hiccups." "She passed out." "Stephens." "Tell Lenny I'll see her." "Day two." "So thirsty." "I've finished the last of the Blu-Tack." "It's not that disgusting if you imagine it as a spring roll." "Things aren't looking good." "If I don't make it out of here alive," "I'd like my ex-wife, Rita, to have my TV and cafetiere and to my stepson, I leave my collection of Carole King LPs." "And to my client, Helen Stephens, I'd like to leave this message." "Don't trust anyone from your office." "So, I've been thinking, well, Fatty's been thinking... and she don't know if this, us, is going anywhere." "So, you know, Fatty thinks we should call it a day." "It's not you..." "It's Fatty." "Fine." "Well, good luck with everything." "Is that all you can say?" "Erm..." "I don't like you?" "You cold-hearted bitch." "OK." "My God, I can't believe I wasted the best days of my week following you around." "Come on, Fatty." "Top Dog needs her ears syringing." "You're looking bonny, Helen." "Have you gained a little weight?" "You try eating nothing but carbonara for two months." "No, it's just nice to see a bit more of you, that's all." "I got an e-mail from Laura saying that you're representing yourself now." "Wow." "Body and brains!" "How's that going?" "Good." "I mean, it's not going great, but in a good way." "So you haven't told your lawyer anything that you haven't told me?" "No." "As far as I'm concerned, Tony Norman and I are on non-speakers." "Good." "It's just I'm supposed to be your man on the inside, looking for clues and whatnot, and we don't want your lawyer trampling all over all the good work we've started." "All the progress we've made." "Really?" "What progress have we made finding Justin?" "Can I suggest, Helen, close friend to close friend, that you let this Justin dream, alibi, excuse, whatever you want to call it, just let it go." "You need someone reliable, you need a Vauxhall Astra not some flash Golf GTI." "Which, let's face it, is quite expensive to insure." "Yeah." "I'll bear that in mind." "Thanks, Henry, for whatever it is you're doing." "I'll talk to Tony, find out what he's been up to." "Sounds like a plan, Stan!" "Have a great weekend." "C'mere you." "Henry, you forgot your..." "Toadpole TS, Manchasteton, IE." "Dear Maurice, thank you for your latest drawing." "I've never imagined myself as half woman half prawn, but it was actually quite a good likeness!" "I've realised representing myself isn't going to be as easy as I first thought, especially now that Lenny and the posse have beaten up every law book in the library." "And to make matters worse, my sister Laura has also downed tools after receiving a very curt E-mail from Halle Berry's agent." "Maybe I was wrong to give up on Tony." "Right now I need all the allies I can get." "Either you're taking this secret Easter bunny lark a bit too seriously, Mary, or you need to tell me exactly what is going on."