"APPLAUSE" " Good evening." " Welcome to Have I Got News For You." "I'm Jack Dee." "In the news this week:" "In the light of fresh evidence, regulators are called in to investigate the winners of Switzerland's version of Strictly." "GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS" "Outside an office in Brussels, one EU delegate gets round the rules that say you're not allowed to smoke within five metres of the building." "Footage from David Dimbleby's iPhone reveals the exact moment he resolved never to host Question Time in Glasgow again." "And while she's away at an EU summit, a helpful neighbour attempts to keep Angela Merkel's cat amused." "BED DEFLATES NOISILY" "On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who gave his stand-up show the name Lawnmower." "It got great reviews, and he's kept all the clippings." "Please welcome James Acaster." "APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "And with Paul tonight is probably Britain's best-known rambler, but what a lot of people don't know is that she also likes to go on long walks." "Please welcome Janet Street-Porter." "APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "And we start with the bigger stories of the week." "Ian and James, take a look at this." "That's the vote." "Blatter, he's won." "Oh, police are here." " Yeah!" "It's a victory dance." " Blending in." "# We've got the money" "# We're in the money... #" "There he is, and he's about to trip over a huge bung!" "Fell off his wallet." "Well, this is the big news." "There was an election, he won, saying he needed a fifth term, and then he decided four days was enough." "And it was time to go again." "This is the news that Sepp Blatter has been forced to resign by Gary Lineker, obviously." "It was a bit of a U-turn from Sepp, as you said." "He went from:" "..last Friday, to saying on Tuesday:" "In spite of his resignation," "Sepp Blatter will stay in his job for at least six months." "To be fair, he has got a lot of documents to shred." "I don't think he'll ever go." "He's got that kind of evil in him, where you'll never get rid of him." "He's like Rasputin, or Clarkson." "JANET:" "Chuck Blazer, the man that turned grass at the start of all this, made so much money - and I'm not saying how he got it, or what he did to get it..." "There was talk of him being used as an indoor arena at one of the games." "LAUGHTER" "..that he had two apartments in the Trump Towers and one was for his dogs." " Now who's looking after those dogs?" " Cats!" " Was it cats?" " Cats and a parrot." " Cats and a parrot?" " Cats and a parrot." "You've followed this very closely." "I'm just interested in cats and parrots." "Right, so his cats and parrots, who's looking after them now?" "Oh, I don't know." "I think the parrot is nominally in charge, because he can...." "He can order takeaways and things like that." "Chuck Blazer has given evidence, and now Jack Warner has said he's going to turn supergrass as well." " Mmm." " So I think, they arrested them, and they said," ""Well, we're going to pull everyone down with us."" "Yup." "Interpol have put out a formal arrest warrant for former Fifa vice-president Jack Warner." "Did you hear how he defended himself to journalists recently?" "He said:" "Good point, good point." "You can't have a World Cup story without Pele." "He said:" "Cheers for that, mate." "Fifa made 2.35 billion from the South Africa World Cup while South Africa were 4.9 billion out of pocket." "So why does everyone want to stage the World Cup if it costs that much?" " What's going on?" " If you have a house party..." "Like, if you're the one hosting the house party, you have the worst time out of anyone." "Your house gets destroyed, people break stuff and puke everywhere, and you get in trouble by your parents the next day." " But everyone thinks you're cool." " Yep." "LAUGHTER" "So that's pretty much why people want to host the World Cup." "At the UN, everyone else is going..." " "That guy!"" " And in fairness, it was a great party, James." "I'm sorry the damage was done, but you know..." "There'll be a new presidential election in December." "Who do you think will get that, Ian?" "Probably Ed Miliband." "Janet, who do you think should take over?" "There's your mate Greg Dyke." "Yeah, I saw him last night," " and obviously he's shaping himself up for the job." " Is he?" "Well, I would say so." "He's a very ambitious man." " He could do to Fifa what he did to LWT." " Exactly." "Sack loads of people and trouser the profit when it gets sold off." "Do you remember the case of Greg Dyke and the expensive watch gift in Brazil 2014, anyone remember that?" "Yes - he accepted the watch without realising how much it was worth," " and was it worth £16,000, was it?" " Spot on." "It was a Parmigiani watch." " That sounds like cheese." " It does, doesn't it?" "Those cheese watches are notoriously expensive these days." "But they are Swiss-made, though, so..." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "When he found out how much it was worth, he said he would sell it off and give the money to charity." "Most of the tiny countries and principalities in the world have Fifa membership, as you know, and a vote." "Shall we play a quick game of "Name me a sovereign state" ""without a Fifa vote"?" "Anyone know any of those?" " BELL" " Yes, Ian?" " Liechtenstein." " No, they're fine!" " Yeah, they are!" " They're in the clear." " BELL" " Yes, James." "Legoland." "James, this is too difficult for you." "Um, Kiribati, Nauru, Tuvalu, Palau..." "These aren't the players, by the way, they're countries." " The Vatican, of course." " So not so powerful, then." "This is the end of Sepp Blatter, thanks to the FBI." "Finally a US intervention we can all get behind." "Though if history has taught us anything, it'll all go belly-up and the 2026 World Cup will be hosted by Islamic State." "Meanwhile, this weekend the Women's World Cup kicks off in Canada, despite question marks over the bidding process, with countries around the world accused of paying millions of dollars in bribes to make Canada have to do it." " OK." "Paul and Janet, take a look at this." " OK." "Oh, talented dogs." "There's one being shot by an air rifle." "This is before the invention of women - you had to dance with a dog." "Britain's Got Talent, just to help us out, there." "This is about the dog that won and wowed the contest, but was actually two dogs." "They didn't know about this at the time." " They had a stunt double." " Stunt double." "And they look exactly the same, so they fooled millions of viewers." "Well, if one was a poodle, one was a Labrador, it would kind of..." "Wasn't it funny that the dog that won - the stunt dog - had to stand in for the real dog, Matisse, because we're told that Matisse is frightened of heights?" "That was it, yes." "Well, that's the act, though, isn't it?" "Have we got footage of it?" "Yes, in case people haven't seen it." "Matisse can hold things in his mouth... (or her mouth.)" "Is he being kettled?" "All very spectacular stuff, I'm sure you'll agree." "He's been arrested, he's being thrown in jail." "GLASS SHATTERS" "Now comes the difficult bit, the tightrope walk." "Matisse disappears through the door and then appears, reappears as another dog entirely." "Who looks absolutely terrified." "There it is." "That won?" "!" "LAUGHTER" "What was everybody else doing?" "Watching coffin lids warp?" "I mean, what was that?" "But she's still keeping the money, isn't she?" "Yeah, I believe so." "Well, she's got two dogs to feed, hasn't she?" "A dog's won it before, hasn't it?" "A dog has won it before, yeah." "Are they checking up who's voting?" "A lot of these votes are coming from Battersea Dogs Home." "Are you allowed to vote often?" "You addressed that at me as if I vote." "Well, no, I'm just generally throwing it out." "Is it like Tower Hamlets, you can just keep voting...?" "What does Simon Cowell say about this?" "As you know, Simon Cowell owns the production company that made it." "He's stepped up to the plate, taken full responsibility." "He's said..." "What made the scandal even more confusing than it should have been?" "Why call a dog Matisse anyway?" "Can I just be a bit picky about this?" "Isn't Matisse the name of an internationally famous artist?" "Are you saying Matisse was a great artist?" "Actually, somebody else did the painting for him." " Oh, yeah, they're double." " Yeah, double." "Is one of the human acts allowed to say," ""I'd like to play the guitar, but as I'm not very good at it" ""my friend's going to do it."" "That's, kind of, been Ant and Dec's thing for ages, though." "What made it worse was there was a third dog introduced to it at the end" " Skippy the three-legged collie." "Yeah, he'd lost a leg falling off the bloody ladder up there." "He ignored the sausages." "Maybe the sausages are made out of his missing leg." ""What have you done?" "What have you done?" "!"" "Did the Britain's Got Talent fans take it in their stride?" "I should think they'd be extremely annoyed, cos they were asked to vote for an act that turned out to be duplicitous." "It's nice to finally see the viewers of Britain's Got Talent offended by its output." "One of the fans tweeted..." "The idea that the highlight of your whole bloody week is sitting at home punching numbers for a three-legged dog..." "Listen, it's how I like to spend the evening, all right?" "Yeah, this is the extraordinary news that some of Britain's Got Talent is contrived." "Simon Cowell admitted that the whole incident was..." "At which point, David Walliams added his thoughts." ""Ooooh!"" "LAUGHTER" "Also this week, scientists are suggesting that chimpanzees have the mental capabilities needed to cook food, leading them to prepare such things as baked potatoes, and that's where the culinary expression" ""Oooh-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah" comes from." "So to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "JANET:" "Isn't it the first Cabinet meeting?" "JAMES:" "Pay rise." "JANET:" "Yes." "David Cameron doesn't want them to take it." "It's exactly that." "Several have criticised the raise, including Labour MP John Mann, who said..." "Even David Cameron has weighed into the debate, describing the extra money as..." "Correct." "So, it is going to go ahead." "Ipsa have defended their decision to award MPs a rise, saying "It won't cost the taxpayer a penny more."" "No, it's millions more, I would imagine." "That's not my issue with it." " Mm-hm." " If it's going to cost me more." "I don't want them to get pay rises, because I don't like politicians." "I don't want them to be happy." "Same reason I don't want them listening to good music or falling in love." " You want them just to suffer?" " Yeah." "What have they done to you?" "I'm not mature enough to have a fully-rounded opinion, that's all I've decided so far." "I think the votes should probably go up to about 35." "Ian, how is David Cameron's ex-press secretary getting on?" "Andy Coulson." "He was cleared of perjury, but not lying." "LAUGHTER" "He did do the lying." "That is true." "But technically, you see, if you lie and it's not important to the case, it's not perjury, but it is lying, which is what Andy Coulson did." "But, you know, he did lie." "This week, This Morning managed to secure an interview with the Prime Minister." "Do you know what they discussed?" "JANET GASPS Sam Cam's beach body." "Yeah, they did." "How did he feel about Sam Cam's body, and what about his own fitness regime." "And what did he say?" ""My wife is fit", and then he high-fived Eamonn Holmes." " On the subject of holidays, though." " Yes." "There was a cover to one of the all-time classic holiday novels, it's been altered in what way, do you know?" "That's Jilly Cooper's Riders." "Indeed, yeah, absolutely." "The hand's been moved." "Why, do you know?" "Well, in the original version, the man's hand was millimetres from her..." " Well, I can't say it." " Well, there it is." "There's the picture." "We can see now." " Yeah." " One commentator pointed out that..." "LAUGHTER" "What a lovely romantic thought that is." "LAUGHTER" "But, in the modern politically correct one, his hand has gone up there." "And his hand has become very, very small." "Either that or her arse has got bigger." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "This is the heart-warming news that MPs are to get a 10% pay rise." "One Tory MP dismissed the suggestion that voters might prefer it if they rejected the pay rise, saying that turning it down would be..." "Whereas taking the seven grand is simply a gesture." "Also this week, Ed Miliband was back in the House of Commons after his break in Ibiza." "Whilst he was out there, he joined a foam party - and led them to a crushing electoral defeat." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "Here we go." "BUZZER" "Is it next year's winner of Britain's Got Talent?" "I can only see one pig, though." "The other one's probably driving." "A pig was causing trouble, and the police had to get involved." "That's all I remember." "Um..." "You know, but I could be lying, and just piecing that together from the photo." "Well, the pig has clearly been arrested." " Yes." " The pig was arrested for trespass." " Yeah." "The pig's called Daisy." "It was arrested in the US this week." " It was lucky she wasn't shot!" " Yeah!" " But obviously it's a white pig, so..." " Oh." " You know." "APPLAUSE" "No, Daisy's crime was that she had..." "And the neighbour was apparently so terrified of Daisy that she called the police." "And the..." "Is that a euphemism for "gnome"?" "Could well be." "I don't know if they have gnomes in America, do they?" " I dunno." " Apart from George Bush." "Daisy was put in the back of a police car to keep her out of trouble." "But then what did she do?" "She made the car unfit for human habitation." " That's very delicately put, and you're right." " Yes." "Yes, she did." "She defecated in the back of the police car" " and didn't seem that bothered." " No." "Just "attitude" written all over her face." " JAMES:" "Look at that pig's face." " Yeah, God." "It's probably like - we've been killing and eating her ancestors for years, and she's looking out the window going, "One-all."" "Yeah." "God." "Meanwhile, what's this hedgehog in Holland been up to?" "Mistaken for a lawn ornament and distracted a pig." " He got drunk." "He got drunk." " Yeah." "And, according to the Mirror..." "It's the first recorded instance of Warninks," "Holland's leading egg-based liqueur, being drunk by a hedgehog." "Or by anyone." "I'd have loved to have seen that hedgehog buying that." "Going into the offie. "Advocaat, please."" "Standing on the top of 20 other hedgehogs in a long coat." ""I left my ID at home." ""Whoa!"" ""We don't live that old."" "How does a hedgehog let you know that it's hungover?" "Doesn't turn up for work?" "According to rescuer..." "This is the rowdy pig who was arrested in America and defecated all over the back of a police car." "According to the Mirror, the pig left them an unwanted gift by..." "And then, to make matters worse, it went "wee wee wee" all the way home." " Ah, well." " APPLAUSE" "Well, time now for the Odd One Out round." "Julie Andrews..." " Frank Ifield..." " Yeah." "Roman Emperor Julian... and Sepp Blatter." "Right." "Er, Roman Emperor Julian I know nothing about." "Frank Ifield had a couple of hits in the early '60s." " He was a yodeller, wasn't he?" "I Remember You." " Mm." "Erm..." "Oh, yodelling - well, of course, he yodelled," " and so she must have yodelled..." " And he's Swiss, Sepp Blatter." "And Emperor Julian didn't like yodelling." ""If anyone yodels round here, they'll have me to speak to."" " You're actually spot on, there, Paul." " Yeah." "That's what he said." "APPLAUSE" "The answer is that they are all able to yodel, apart from Roman Emperor Julian," " who complained about yodelling in the fourth century." " Yeah." "He didn't like it." "Yeah, among Sepp Blatter's many former occupations was a stint as a wedding singer performing goatherd ballads." "Are there any recordings of Blatter?" "Blatter yodelling?" "I wish there were." " I..." " I'm sure they'll surface over the coming weeks." "Yes." "As the Americans interview him." "STRANGLED YODEL" ""Where's the money?"" "STRANGLED YODEL" "And Julie Andrews famously yodels in the song The Lonely Goatherd in The Sound Of Music." " Mm." " Frank Ifield was, of course, one of Britain's most famous yodellers, who had a breakthrough hit with She Taught Me How to Yodel." " Mm." " And here he is." "HE YODELS" "Everybody yodel!" "ONLY HE YODELS" "LAUGHTER" "They're not looking very happy." " That's Britain in the 1960s." " Yeah." " Yeah." ""You're not getting us yodelling here, I'll tell you that much now."" "Frank Ifield yodelling, there." " Very few people can do that, of course." " Yeah." "Thank God." "And Roman Emperor Julian is believed to have complained about yodellers in the fourth century." "He said, according to the Guardian..." "I didn't know he gave an interview to the Guardian, obviously it's an older paper than I had thought." "But he said he didn't like the..." " Oh!" " That's what he said." "And yodelling is frowned upon in Russia - as it should be throughout the world, really." "But here's Russia's Eduard Khil, otherwise known as The Trololo Man, in 1976 - pushing back the boundaries." "Here he is." "# La, la, la, la, la" "# La, la, la, la" "# La, la, la, la, la, la" "# La, la, la, la, la, la, la" "# La, la, la, la, la" "# La, la, la, la, la, la, la" "# La, la, la, la, la. #" " Fantastic stuff." " APPLAUSE" "They are all able to yodel, apart from Roman Emperor Julian who complained about yodelling in the fourth century." "According to the Daily Mirror, every year Sepp Blatter returns to his Alpine hometown of Visp, and..." "Just to make sure she's still spinning in it." "Yodelling isn't the only thing" "Julie Andrews has in common with Sepp Blatter, as brown paper packages tied up with string are also a few of his favourite things." "APPLAUSE" "Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features as its guest publication..." "We start with..." "JAMES:" "Man with the name Rex ironically arrested for dogging?" "Not that." "No, not that." "Man with the name Speed ironically arrested for loitering?" " Not that either." " Not that either?" " I'll give you a clue." " Bacon is the first one, man with the name Bacon." " JAMES:" "For streaking?" "Streaking would have been excellent." "That's very good." "Is it impersonating William Shakespeare?" "No." " Stealing a pig?" " Not stealing a pig." " Kissing a pig?" " No." " Getting a pig into trouble?" " Now I'm going to give you the answer to stop you doing that." " OK." "This is Thomas Bacon who was arrested in New Jersey this week for getting into a fight with another man over the last piece of breakfast sausage." "It's not unknown in this country for people to fight over breakfast, but to be fair, Wetherspoons serves booze from 7am." "Next up..." "His beach bod?" " No." " JANET:" "I know, it's his new hairstyle." " No, you're close." " No, no, no." "Hat." " Beard and moustache." " Trilby hat." "This week Kim Jong-un has been photographed in destinations all over North Korea in a new trilby hat." "Here he is." "He wants to promote North Korea as a holiday destination." "So why not take your family out there and see the places where he took his family out?" "Next..." "JAMES:" "Children?" "JANET:" "It's their grave." "It was their grave, you're right." "This is a woman in Sutton who was caught forging her ex-husband's signature to sell off his half of a joint grave." "And when the husband heard what had happened, he totally lost the plot." "Sorry, sorry." "APPLAUSE" "Next..." " JANET:" "It's to do with yawning." " It is, Janet." "Blimey." " They yawn." "Yeah, yeah." "We yawn, they yawn." "I grew up with a bloody budgie, no wonder I'm weird." "My mother was Welsh, my auntie was Welsh..." "LAUGHTER" " I'll get to it in a minute." " What nationality was the budgie?" " Welsh!" " Welsh." " I am the only person who grew up in Fulham," " down the road from your family." " Down the road from my family." "Yeah, down the road from you, and I had the Welsh half of the house." "Mum, Auntie Vi, and a budgie, all talking Welsh." "So in your early life, you found it impossible to get a word in?" "APPLAUSE" " Ha-ha." " Ha-ha." "Very good, Ian." "Scientists discover budgies have yawns that are contagious." "If you've got a budgie at home and it seems to be yawning a lot, here's one little tip to keep it awake," "Get a cat." "And finally..." "One man's quest to keep Plymouth club members enthralled kept Plymouth club members enthralled at their May meeting?" " Not that." " Should have been, though." " Should have been." "It's..." "Themed collections are popular in the postcard world." "I, for example, have an extensive collection of postcards taken over the years from phone boxes based around the theme of East European sex workers." "So, the final scores are Ian and James have five" " and Janet and Paul have ten." " No!" "APPLAUSE" "Of course, the scores have always been hotly contested on this show." "Here's a friend of the show who always had the right attitude, even when he hadn't won." "Could I just point out, however, that I don't think the scoreline tells the whole story." "There is a distinct shift, a swing that we're finding towards the end of the campaign." "I'm sure these headline figures" " are concealing what's really going on." " You're right." "This is the sort of position we would have liked to have" " been in at this stage." " That's right." "And it's a firm base on which to build for the future." "Second." "We'd have been very happy with second." "Do you think all bankers should be locked up, Charles?" "It's a bit stupid for David Cameron to suggest this." "He hasn't got anywhere to put them for a start, and probably most of them were voting Tory in the first place, weren't they, Jeremy?" "I don't know." "I can't understand Scottish." "AUDIENCE OOHS" " I can't!" "Most of them were voting what?" " Tory." "Toly?" "Nope, don't understand." "Don't worry, Jeremy." "Most people watching this in Scotland can't understand voting Tory either." "APPLAUSE" "And I leave you with news that after rowing for thousands of miles to escape his war-torn homeland, a refugee is told he's landed on a beach in Sunderland." "There are concerns that product placement could ruin the new Star Wars film as the production company sign an exclusive deal with Timotei." "And after a BBC journalist tweets the news that the Queen has died, not everyone realises it's a mistake." "Goodnight." "APPLAUSE"