"# My thoughts may stray #" "# My eyes may roam #" "# The neighbors grass may seem much greener #" "# Than the grass right here at home #" "# If pretty girls excite me, well, that's life #" "# But just in case you didn't know #" "# I love my wife #" "# If rosy lips invite me, hey, that's life #" "# But just in case you couldn't guess #" "# Or hadn't heard or didn't know #" "# I love my wife, I love my wife #" "# I love my wife. #" "What do you mean you want to have a second kid?" " I thought you didn't want that." " Well, I do." "Really?" "Donna know?" "Not yet." "I'm gonna tell her I want one though." "We've been discussing it." "Got in a fight a couple of days ago." "Had it out." "Spoke our minds." "Actually, she spoke her mind." "The long and the short of it is we end up talking about all that stuff from those marriage therapy homework loser tapes you said we had to have to watch." " Finally get her to calm down..." " Mm-hmm." "it turns out what's bothering her is she wants to have a second kid." "It's an issue that won't go away." "So, we go home, we have makeup sex." "Afterwards, like she always is after sex, she's Jell-O." "Tells me she loves me, tells me she doesn't need to have a second kid with me if I don't want one." " Just wants me to be happy." " I know what you mean." "After sex, you can get away with a lot." "I do my job right at my house," "I get a big star on my forehead like back in school." "I get a day and a half where I'm pretty much the commander in chief." "What I don't get is if it went like that, if she said it was okay, you don't have to have a second kid if you don't want to... which I'm sensing you don't... why are you gonna say yes?" "What am I going to do, Doug?" "Have sex with her every day for the rest of her life just so I don't have to have another baby?" "That plan works when you're 18, but I got a job, I got a kid, I got shit to do." "I need my rest." "Gentlemen." "What's wrong?" "Why are you happy?" "I'm not happy, I'm lighter." "What could that possibly mean, you're lighter?" "I ended the thing with Ilene Rosenberg." "It was time." "What does that mean, "It was time"?" "What, do you have some deviant biological clock that tells you when to dump your affairs?" "So, how'd she handle it?" "Was she bummed?" "Not at all." "She's fine, we talked at work." "She knows I love my wife." "We had fun." "Fine, she's great." "Next!" "You picked one young, free and into her career." " That was smart, very smart." " Absolutely." "Not fair to get into the ring with someone who doesn't know the ropes." "You're a real sportsman, Jake." "Well, I try to give the fans their money's worth." "That was nice, babe." " Thank you." " That was nice." "Are you sure about the baby?" "I know you're working hard, things are tough right now." "I don't want to rush you into anything." "If you're not ready, I'll wait." "Do you want anything?" "Do you want a sandwich?" "What do you want?" "Do you want another baby?" "Tell the truth, forget about the orgasm you just had." "Do you want another baby?" "Yes or no?" "Because if you do, I do." "Yeah, I do." "What is it with you?" "After sex you get so sweet." "So pliable." "Roll over." "Let's check your butt for pimples." "That's the first kid, the second kid's a molly bolt." "But I never got to the second kid in any one of my four marriages." "What the fuck is a molly bolt, man?" "What's a molly bolt?" "Right there, this is a molly bolt." "You ever saw one of those?" "Marriage today, it's like a parking ticket." "If you know what you're doing, it's very easy to get out of." "Even one kid's not that bad." "I had one kid each with three of my ex-wives and I'll tell you something," "Commitment-wise, one kid's like a framing nail." "You pull it out, you spackle it up, wall's as good as new." "Yeah?" "What's the second kid, genius?" "Second kid?" "That's your molly bolt, poopy pants." "Once that thing goes into a wall, it's not coming out." "Not without tearing the shit out of the whole wall." " Believe me, all wives know that." " Why would you possibly" " have had this in your pocket?" " Flowers." "Reminds me of Valentine's Day." "It's all about them, and that's pissing me off." "I don't have a day." "I'm telling you, it's fucking bullshit." "He's having an alimony flashback." "Slayton, tell them the Valentine's Day story." "Oh, yeah, the Valentine's Day story." "Get a load of this, fellas." "So, one year my third wife says to me she wants to do whatever I want for Valentine's Day." "Anything that makes me happy, she says she's gonna do it." "So I said, "You know what I want more than anything in the world?" "I want you to make me a nice candlelight dinner, and then afterwards I want you to blow me while I watch a Three Stooges video."" "Why would you want that?" "What could The Three Stooges possibly add to a blowjob?" "Can I finish my little story?" "It's my fantasy, do you mind?" "Thank you." "She says to me she thinks it's stupid, but if that's what I want, she'll do it." "So that night, Valentine's Day, she makes me a beautiful quiet dinner." "And after dinner, she puts in a video and starts to go down on me." "I'm watching the tape, and it's The Three Stooges." "I'm about to come, but I notice it's got Shemp." "It's got fucking Shemp!" "I was this close." "If it doesn't have Curly, it ain't The Stooges." " This close." " Aw, you poor thing." "I know, tell me about it." "So, what did you do to get Micky to agree" " to having a second kid?" " Nothing." "Did you ask him during a blowjob or something?" "We've been married eight years." "He does taxes in the middle of my blowjobs." "Both times I was pregnant, Doug would get these weird cravings for money, but I'd just let him vent, 'cause I knew deep down he wanted another kid as much as I did." "That's probably exactly how it happened." "I just gave him the space to come to the decision on his own." "I knew he'd get there in the end." "Sort of Zen manipulation." "Listen." "You didn't do anything that he wouldn't have done if he'd thought about it and knew that's what you wanted him to do." "Hmm." "Sometimes I'm really, really sweet to Micky and then from nowhere I hold back just to be mean." "I don't know why either." "It's like I get in this place where he doesn't deserve to be complimented even though he's done well." " It's awful, isn't it?" " Yeah, we should all feel bad for some of the things we do to these men." " You hungry?" " I'm starved." "So, she puts the tape in, she starts going down on him and it's Shemp." "It's Shemp!" "It's Shemp, the tape has Shemp." "You know what?" "I thought it was funny, you didn't." "It's not a big deal." "You obviously don't know The Three Stooges." " It's a British thing." " It's not a British thing," "I know The Three Stooges." "I get the joke." "I think." "I think I get the joke." "It's 'cause her head was in the way of the TV when she was doing it and he couldn't see the Shemp guy." "That's why it was funny." "Isn't it?" "Isn't that why it was funny?" "No?" "That's not why it was funny, 'cause her head was in the way." "Just so you know, that's not why it was funny." "Oh, why was it funny?" "You know what?" "It's guy humor or something." "You don't get it." "It's not a big deal." "I'd like to get it." "Explain it to me why it was funny." "You can't explain a joke, Donna." "It's like dissecting a frog." "You can examine it all you want, but at the end of the day you've learned very little and the frog is still dead." "Now, that I don't get." " I'm going to sleep." " Are you cross?" "You are." "You're cross about a stupid Stooge joke." " No, I'm not cross." "I'm not cross." " You are." "I wish we got the same jokes, but we don't." " It's not a big deal." " We do, we get the same jokes." "We always have, right from the very start." "It was practically the basis for us falling in love." "Okay, I know." " I'm right." " You are, you're right." " You are." " Now you're humoring me." "No, I was humoring you." "Now I'm stopping." "Good night." "It's 'cause Shemp's a funny name, right?" "That's it." "It's 'cause Shemp's a funny name." "Shemp." "Hello, I'm Shemp." "See, it is." "It... it's funny." "My goal is to make it so big that that the mayor's got to come see me when he wants me." "What is that?" "Having me come all the way down here to chew me out over one of my columns, that's bullshit." "What's up with you?" "You look troubled." "Carol can't leave the house without spending $100 to $150." "She gets the flu, I'm like up $300." "Yeah?" "Why don't you have her get a job, keep her busy?" "Nah, I don't want her to have a job." "Not now, not while the kids are young." "You know, that's her job." "I've gotta do something." "It's getting out of hand." "We had that money talk the other day and we agreed." "I gotta keep her in a very finite box." "So, that's my new plan." "60 days, she buys nothing but food and toiletries." "What do you think?" "Is that gonna work?" "Putting your wife in lockdown?" "Isn't that always when the prisoners riot?" " Hi, what's up, fresh?" " What's up?" "Nice piece on Jim Harlbro." "How'd you get him talking?" "Well, it took some time, but you know I'm a pro." "I took him to a strip club." "There's something about a fine ass that makes men talk." "It's like male bonding." "Bonding with the ass." "It's beautiful, man." "Speaking of fine asses, here comes your girl." " Hey, gorgeous." " Jake, Kevin." " How are you?" " I'm swell." "Good." "Me too." "What are you up to this weekend?" "Just family stuff." "The usual, you know." "How about you?" "You know me, I'll probably find some trouble to get into." " Have fun." "Kevin." " Okay." "Mm-mmm-mmm." "Damn!" "You were right." "She's fine and cool." "We play, we have fun, we're friends." "This isn't rocket science, you just need to know the rules." "Hi." "All right, all right, all right." "Now, we got a triple homicide... in Cabrini-Green." "I'm touched by your compassion and bravery." " Let's see, who do we give it to?" " Kinsley wants it." "Yeah, Kinsley, you take it." "Hopefully somebody will steal that ugly-ass tie he's wearing." "Late, late, late." "Fucking buses." "Fuckin' McDonnell." "Last one in the room gets a special assignment." "You cover the sewage authority meeting this afternoon." "By the way, how is your hemorrhoid?" "It's big and it hurts." "I've named it Randall." "I'll expect that humor in your sewage authority piece." "Now the president's coming in next Monday." "Okay." "Gomez, you got the Parks Commission." " Burt, the Board of Education..." " Ow!" " I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." " You almost took my eye out." "You're lucky you didn't take my eye out." "Here, just take this thing, just throw it right in my face." "I'll give you five tries." "Just gouge my eye out." "Are you done, Barnes?" "'Cause in a second" "I'm gonna want to take a shot at it myself." " Okay." "Sorry." "I'm sorry." " All right." "For this next job I need someone young, inexperienced, willing to sacrifice their health for the public's right to know." "Feldman, cover the smokers' rights convention." "Oh my God!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, Micky!" "Micky, I'm coming." "Oh, that was nice." "Do you want a backrub?" "No." "You can rub my jaw though." "It's normal to think about other women while you're screwing your wife." "Problem comes when you're screwing your girlfriend and you think about your wife." "I did that once, and it messed me up for days." "I know, I got it." "It's normal." "And don't kid yourself that she's thinking about you." "She's thinking about everyone but you." "That's okay when we're having target practice." "We've pulled the goalie." "Any one of these next slap shots could be my next kid." "I'm thinking of Missy way too much." "If Donna gets pregnant, Missy'll have some kind of weird psychic emotional chromosome link." "Be like the uber-mother." "These are the kind of thoughts that are going through my head, you know?" "I'll tell you." "You know what your problem is?" "You're a fucking romantic." "You're looking for the wrong thing out there." " You're looking for love." " No, I'm not." "You're like a lost puppy." "You're looking for love outside your marriage." "It's not good." "Look for the love inside the marriage." "Outside is just sport." "I'm knocking boots, I'm having fun." "I want to love, I go home, I love my wife." "That's where the trouble comes, you fall in love outside the marriage." "I need to take you to see Sachiko." " What's a Sachiko?" " You mean "Who's a Sachiko?"" "She's my little Asian piece of heaven." "That's all you need." "This thing with your assistant Missy is trouble." "That's all you need... someone to snap you the end of your dick, send you home calm." "Sachiko's your answer." ""Even though Sir Knight was very brave, he was scared now." "He asked the giant where he was, and Loftif replied, 'In my home."'" "Emily." "# Whatever shoes you had #" "# Whatever made you mad enough #" "# On the promenade you can #" "# Give it rest #" "# Give it a seat #" " # Or in the glass... #" " Emily, are you okay?" "Emily?" "# Pop a knee. #" "Are they out cold?" " Emily is." " Lock the door." "I'll be right out." "# A little worse for worn #" "# A simple thing, I admit. #" " Wow." " Happy half-anniversary, baby." "Is it our half already?" "Oh God, I've been so busy, I forgot." "That's okay, you can make it up to me right now." " You look awesome." " So, do you." " Except for this, get rid of it." " Okay." "Is this new?" "It is, isn't it?" "Come on, let's play." "It is." "It's new, Carol, what... what did I say?" "What did we say?" "Nothing new for 60 days, remember?" " Only food and toiletries." " Oh my God, no." "This came free in a box of Tide." "Come on, let's play." "How much was it?" "And don't tell me that it was on sale either." "Fine." "Fine!" "Okay, happy?" "Let's do it." " Carol, just wait." " No." "Come on, Doug." "Let's get fucking." "I've got playground duty at the school in the morning." "I've gotta be up early." "Let's roll." "Okay, okay." "I'll tell you what." "Go put that other thing back on." "Oh, no, you don't want me in that, Doug." " That cost $250." " $250?" " My God, really?" " Yeah." "All right, well, go put it back on." "You sure that's what you want?" "Yes, I am." "Good." "Let's just be careful not to soil it." "Maybe you can take it back tomorrow, say it didn't fit." "No, I... you know, just kidding." "Joking." " You a friend of Jake's?" " A friend?" "Yes." "What do you do?" "Do you work here?" " What's your connection to Jake?" " I fix his computer." "He had a broken computer." "He had a very nasty problem that needed looking at very closely." " Nice meeting you." " We didn't meet." "You just asked a bunch of nosy questions." " Hey." "Hey." " Hi." "Come on, babe, I'm reading." " Come on." " Okay, fine." "How come whenever I want to have sex lately, you haven't?" "That's not true." "I'm just... you know, I'm reading." "It's just coincidence that it's been ever since we talked about having another baby?" "Yes, it is." " It's a total coincidence." " Right." "Well, I just don't believe it." "Can we talk about it?" "No." "I'm getting ready for bed." "Let's talk about it in the morning." " No, I want to talk about it now." " No, you don't." "Yes, I do." "I want to know what's been going on in your mind, God forbid." " Okay, you want to know?" " Yeah." " Can you handle it?" " Yeah." "Okay." "I'm a little freaked out that you didn't get that Three Stooges joke." "I'm worried about the differences in our sense of humor." " You are joking?" " No, I'm not joking." "You're telling me that we're not having sex because of three long-dead Stooges." "Of course it isn't about The Stooges." "What am I, an idiot?" "It's about what they represent." "And what do they represent, that I didn't get one crap joke in a marriage full of jokes which I have actually gotten?" "No, babe, it's just..." "I'm just starting to be worried, you know, sometimes we don't see things the same anymore." "It's funny how all this came up when we started talking about having more children." "No, it's not funny, see?" "Difference in our sense of humor." "Frankly, the way you're acting," "I'd rather fuck one of The Stooges." "What makes you think one of The Stooges would fuck you with that attitude?" "Good night." "What, that's it?" "You know what, Jake?" "I can't do this, okay?" "Seriously, I'm not a massage parlor kind of guy." " I can't do this." " Micky, you lay on your back, a girl rubs your dick." "Mental patients can do it." "No, but the point is I don't like massage parlors." " You ever been to a massage parlor?" " No." "Well, I want you to try it, okay?" "I'm gonna pay for it." "It'll be my gift to you." "You're gonna pay for me to have a hand job?" " That seems a little gay to me." " Hey, it's not gay." "Just enjoy yourself, Micky." "Enjoy your life, okay?" "It's gonna be over like that, then you're gonna wish you had more experiences like this one." "I'm gonna wish you bought me more hand jobs?" "How's that gonna work?" "Come on." "I know that guy." "Hi." "I am Sachiko." "Oh, I'm..." " Doug." " Doug." "You have to take clothes off, Doug." " I come back." " Okay." "Hey." "I got all undressed." "Okay, Doug, you lay down." " Lay down?" "Okay." " Mm-hmm." " Roll over." " Oh, on my stomach." "I didn't know, stomach or back." "Okay." "Oh, you're gonna be nak?" "You don't want me naked?" "No, naked's good." "Whatever makes you comfortable." "But naked's good, naked works." "I make you feel real nice today, Doug." "Ah." "Feels good." "What part of Japan are you from?" "Fukuoka." "Oh." "Okay, Doug." "You roll over now." "Roll over?" "Don't you want to give me my towel back?" "You roll over, okay?" "Oh." " Nice dicky, Doug." " Oh, thanks." " Yeah." " You got a nice dicky." " Yeah, you think so?" " You want happy ending to your massage?" "Oh." "Oh, happy ending." "Oh." "Well, I mean I do, but... actually, I'm just here with a friend of mine and he's getting a happy ending in the other room." "I'm a newcomer." "I'm kind of married, so I'll just take a regular massage, okay?" "Okay." "Oh." "You got sad eyes, Doug." "I got sad eyes?" "Mmm." "Nice sad eyes." "How come you're only "kind of married"?" "I don't know, I just..." "I guess I have issues, you know?" "One of these guys with issues." "I guess I'm too old to have issues, right?" "I don't know." "I don't even know why I'm here." "I just... there's this weird, horny side of me that my wife doesn't even know exists." "That's not good, is it?" "Look like it want happy ending to me." "Oh, I do, I do." "I probably should just have a regular massage, okay?" " Okay." "No happy ending." " Okay." "Thank you." "# I awake to find no peace of mind #" "# I said, "How do you live as a fugitive?" #" "Here you go, this is for you." "Oh." "Next time you come," "I give you happy ending." "Don't talk so much." " Okay." " # I said, "What do I know?" #" "# Show me the right way to go #" "# And the spies came out... #" "Hey, I have something you need to see." " Tapes?" " Yep, tapes." "Okay, fine." "We'll watch the tapes." "Good, and I don't want to hear any whining." "No." "No whining, I want to watch these tapes." " You do?" " I need to watch these tapes." "Okay, whatever." "Come." "# 'Cause they're all spies. #" " Sit." "Ready?" " Ready." "This is a film with Shemp." "It has Larry, Moe and Shemp." "What are you doing?" "What is this?" "I'm showing you why it was funny." "This is Curly Joe." "An obviously inferior third wheel in comic foil." " This time I'll throw him out." " And this is Curly." "See?" "There was nothing in it." "Your friend wanted oral sex accompanied by this tape." "His wife got him the first tape, falling just a hair short of his juvenile and might I say pointless fantasy." "And that is why it was funny." "Yes." "Yes." "Absolutely." "That's why it was funny." "Absolutely, you're right." "Anything you throw at me, I can handle." "So, if you're gonna invent problems for this marriage, you're gonna have to come up with better ones than this, got it?" "I do, I got it." "I got it, and I'm sorry, okay?" "I am, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "What?" "Are you serious?" "Okay." "You wish life were that easy."