"Previously on The Big C..." "I don't condone stealing." "Here is your piece of the action." "This isn't bad." "She's dealing with a miscarriage." "You went off your meds?" "Mm, yeah." "I'm not gonna go through this doped up." " We met online." " What?" "At a chat room for kids with parents who have cancer." " You have cancer." " No, silly, I'm the kid." "Wait, are you leaving?" "I'm going back to Chicago for a bit." "I don't need your fucking pity." "I didn't mean to upset you." "Those drugs are not a cure." "The best that you can hope for is a little more time." "♪ It's so hard ♪" "♪ to turn your life over ♪" "♪ step out ♪" "♪ of your comfort zone ♪" "♪ is this some kind of a joke?" "♪" "♪ will someone wake me up soon?" "♪" "♪ and tell me this was just a game we play ♪" "♪ called life ♪" "Hey!" "Hey." "You gonna hit me with your car again?" "Want some leftover turkey?" "Are you okay?" "Yeah." "It only hurts when I breathe." "Shit, Lee." "You shouldn't be running." "Well, these marathons, they don't train for themselves." "I'm sorry I lied to you at Thanksgiving." "Well, the jerk goes both ways." "I said some really shitty things." "That's why I don't form attachments." "It's partly because I'm Buddhist, it's partly because I'm not very good at them." "You said some truths that were hard to hear." "It's why I like you." "You like me because you need a cancer friend." "Are we fighting again?" "'Cause I'll go there." "I don't want to fight." "I miss talking to you." "Sure you don't want some turkey?" "Oh, give me that." "Oh!" "Honey, I have something for you." "Clearly it's not a vegetable, since I don't see any on your plate." "I have 30 minutes for lunch." "You can't be fast and healthy." "It's not physically possible." "A scale?" "Mm-hmm." "It's a body composition monitor." "So a fancy scale?" " Mmm." " You tryin' to tell me something?" "'Cause I thought you had learned your lesson when you gave me the iron for our anniversary." "Sixth anniversary is iron." "I was being cute." "And "iron-ic."" "Anyway, remember how Dr. Sherman said it was very, very important to closely monitor your health?" "This baby does it all." "In addition to your weight, it gives you your bone mass, your visceral weight, and your metabolic age." "What's metabolic age?" "That's when you factor in all the other stuff, it tells you how old your body actually is." "Oh, shit." "Hey." "Oh, hey." "You lookin' for baby stuff?" "Everything's available." "Uh, except the infant baby wipes." "Those stay." "Those gems are like a deep, wet tongue kiss on my hemorrhoids." "How ya doin'?" "I know this is a lot to take in." "No, it's all good." "Yeah." "Um, I've got a plan." "I'm thinking about turning the baby's room into a hydroponic pot den." "Hello." "Uh, Mike, this is my wife, Dawn, and this is Janie, my little girl." "Aw." "Well, come on in!" "Uh, look, Cathy." "A happy family in my home." "Uh, it's right over there." "We just moved in." "Our back yards abut each other." "I guess that makes us abut-buddies." "I--I'm Cathy." "This is my brother, Sean." "Uh, if you could use any of the stuff, we'd love to see it go to a good home." "It's all in really good shape." "Mm, it sure is." "I was in the market for a baby, but then I did the math." "Did you know that the federal child tax credit doesn't even begin to offset the price of an actual child?" "So there's definitely no profit in it." "Are you, uh, are you planning on doing something with her?" "She's just a little fussy, or she's tired." "Or gassy, or wet, or getting sick." "It happens all the time." " She cries a lot." " Mmm, she's a baby." "That's what babies do." "Cry and manipulate." "They're machiavellian little shits." "You mind not swearing in front of Janie?" " Seriously?" " Sean." "Sorry." "Look, lady, although your baby can hear, she won't be able to be offended until society tells her what to be offended by." "Presently those things include, um, gay men kissing, body odor, and the female nipple." "He's been going through a really rough time." "If you would like any of this stuff, please..." "Please take it." "Thanks." "Uh, maybe another time." "I have, like, six social networking sites." "Team Sugar, MySpace, Facebook, Bebo, and Twitter." "Although I mainly use that to promote my blog." "Oh yeah, I think--I think I've heard of your blog." "Uh, what's it called?" "I'm a--I'm a hipster fucktard dot com?" "Oh!" "Ow, you hit my boob." "I need a magnifying glass to find that thing." " Screw you." " Hello." "What's up, mom?" "Hi, Mrs. Jamison." "Poppy." "We need to talk about the elephant in the room, here." "Uh, you and Adam hanging out, it's odd." "Right?" "How do you mean?" "Well, he's 15, and you're closer to menopause than puberty." "So just tell me there's nothing sexual going on here." "Oh, Jesus, mom, come on." "Really?" "It happens, Adam." "And your recent track record of decision-making hasn't instilled confidence." "Adam's just a kid, Mrs. Jamison, we're just, like, hanging out, 'cause we're, like, going through a lot of the same stuff." "Okay." "Fair warning, you hurt my kid, I will hurt you." "And I am not above spitting or hair-pulling." "Hmm." "I gotta go." "Oh!" "I have a surprise for you tomorrow." "I'm gonna pick you up at 5:00." "And wear something nice, okay?" "Okay." "Hey!" " Hi." " Hi, I wasn't expecting to see you here today." "Um, yeah, Dr. Sherman wanted to see me." "I felt like I was being called into the principal's office." "Sometimes that can be a good thing." "You might be given an award." "I got the award for most tumors in the trial." "Got my scan results." "They take a beating, but they keep on growing." "Oh, Lee." "Didn't get a trophy, which blows." "Sherman wants me to stay in the trial, but I--I think that's a pity move on his part." "I'm sorry." "How 'bout you?" "How are your scans?" "Uh, they're good." "My tumors are shrinking." "The trial's working for you, that's great, Cathy." "It makes my shitty news easier to swallow." "Hey, things could be worse, you know?" "I'm alive, and I just got a lead on an old-fashioned burger and malt joint, so" "How do you do that?" "How do you do the whole water-off-a-duck's-back thing?" "You have to focus on the good things that melanoma brings." "Well, the people that we've met, and-- the things that we've done, and the places that we've been." "I keep focusing on all the stuff I'll never get to do." "Glass half empty." "That's no way to while away your remaining hours." "I--I still have a very long to-do list." "I need to ride on the back of a fire truck." "And get my hands on a bottle of 1982 Lafite Rothschild and, judge if you want, but I would still like to have more adventurous sex." "With a man." "More adventurous." "You have sex with strangers in the back of bars." "Yeah." "Well, it gets old." " Cathy Jamison?" " Blood test." "Good luck." "Hey, I hear that they're giving out ribbons for good white blood cell count." "Why are we at a hotel?" "This isn't some Dustin Hoffman, Mrs. Robinson thing, is it?" "Wow, I'm surprised you even know that reference." "Yeah, I overheard my mom say it to my dad." "Don't be such a dork, you're so not my type." "Wait, uh, is this your high school reunion?" "Surprise!" "Okay." "Kinda weird." "Please, we went to a fetus funeral last week." "A high school reunion, by comparison, is decidedly not weird." "Are you okay?" "Yeah, it's just all these names." "I'm having a bad flashback." "People kind of made fun of me back then." "I wore a Sherlock Holmes hat, whatever." "So I told myself that I had to come tonight, to show them that I'm not the loser they all thought I was." "Look, you want to bail?" "Fine, bail." "I can handle this on my own." "No, it's cool, I'll-- I'll stay." "Welcome." "Adam LeDouche." "♪ All around the mulberry bush ♪" "♪ the monkey chased the weasel ♪" "♪ the monkey thought 'twas all in fun ♪" "♪ Pop!" "Goes the weasel ♪" "♪ All around the mulberry bush ♪" "♪ the monkey chased the weasel ♪" "♪ the monkey thought 'twas all in fun ♪" "♪ Pop!" "Goes the weasel ♪" "♪ All around the mulberry bush ♪" "♪ the monkey chased the weasel ♪" "♪ the monkey thought 'twas all in fun ♪" "♪ Pop!" "Goes the weasel ♪" "♪ Fuck!" "Goes the weasel ♪" "Honey, what do you want your name to be?" " I'm kinda partial to Cathy." " No, no, no." "This scale lets you create profile names." "So that when you step on the scale, a voice says, "Hello, Sven, welcome back."" "My profile name's gonna be Sven." "'Cause, you know, the Nordics are tall and thin." "And that puts me halfway to svelte." "Make mine "Good-bye."" "Good-bye?" " Why?" " I don't know." "I think it might be fun to hear it say," ""Hello, good-bye, welcome back."" ""Good-bye" it is." "Jesus Chr" "You scared the shit out of me." "Well, I got a whole stack of cloth diapers over at the house, just waitin' to mop up some poo." "They're all yours." " Sean, what do you need?" " Earplugs." "Or--or, uh, cotton balls, or, if you don't have either of those, uh, an ice pick might do it." "Just something to keep sound from penetrating my eardrums." "What do you need earplugs for, buddy?" "It's that fucking baby." "Sh--she--she giggles, she cries." "Her parents are out there right now, rockin' out with their cocks out to this--this, this..." "Kiddie music." "It's boring into my brain." "Sean, just take a breath." "You know, when you--when you get like this I get scared." "Maybe you should think about going back on your meds." "Oh, no." "No, no." "Um, I just need, uh," "I need something to block out the noise." "Maybe I'll go to a drugstore." "Do they sell earplugs?" "They must." "How much do you think they cost?" "Can I borrow a little money?" "Sean." "Uh" "I'm sorry." "I'm fine." "I know you're worried, but I'm fine." "I feel like I'm at a party with a bunch of my parents' friends." "Don't you want to, like, talk to people?" "I don't know." "I already see the Natalie clique forming." "They're all named Natalie." "Natalies are always bitches." "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea." "Poppy Kowalski!" "Oh, my God, it is you!" "I told you it was her." "How are you?" "Natalie Pious, Natalie Scott." "I'm good, how are you guys?" "Really good." "Uh, these are our husbands, Jeff and Dan." "Poppy was the girl I told you about, who wore a cape all through freshman year." "Some trends never really take off." "I almost didn't recognize you without goth makeup." "So what do you do?" "She directs documentary films." "Oh, is this your son?" "I always thought you were gay." "I'm Adam, Poppy's boyfriend." "I'm 21." "Yeah, I--I kinda got tired of dating guys our age." "Bald and paunchy just wasn't doin' it for me." "No offense." "And what do you do for a living, Adam?" "I, uh, create and launch new media projects." "Like social networking sites, entertainment portals, gaming sites, stuff like that." "That is such a young man's game." "Yeah, well if you old dudes are just gonna sit back and let us steal all your money, you know, I'm-- I'm more than happy to take it." "Wow," "Poppy, you've really made something of yourself." "And all this from the girl who played folk music on the ukulele for tips in the cafeteria." "I had my ukulele, and you two had your hand jobs at the back of the football bus." "We're gonna hit up the bar." "Okay, we'll catch up with you guys later." "Great seeing you all." "Guess who found a bottle of Lafite Rothschild." "Now, before you get too excited," " it's not an '82." " Wow." "Turns out I don't have" "$5,000 burning a hole in my pocket." "That is a 2007." "But, you know, all the labels look the same." "So we can pretend that we're having a ridiculously expensive bottle of wine." "Just at a big discount." "Well, as my friend says, it's not the wine, it's the people that you're drinking it with." "Besides, 2007 is not a bad little step-brother." "How you doin'?" "I'm okay." "I had my moment of self-pity, and now I am ready to circle the wagons, and make another run at this." "Here is to a pretty amazing bottle of wine, and the best clinical trial partner I've ever had." " Mmm." " It's good." "Hey." "What are you doing in there?" "Making a documentary on toilet paper?" "Come on, I want to go mess with some more people." "Poppy, everything okay?" "No, everything's not okay." "I got my period." "Oh." "And I don't have any tampons." "Okay." "I mean, do you need to go home?" "No, Adam." "I need a tampon." "And I need you to get me one." "Me?" "Where?" "I mean, don't they have a machine in there, or something?" "It's empty!" "Just, uh, go check the hotel gift shop." "Please?" "The last thing I need is everybody talking about how the cape-wearing goth girl got her period at the class reunion." "Adam?" "Yeah." "Yeah, okay, I'm on it." "Did you get 'em?" "I don't know, there are, like, ten different kinds here." "Oh, good." "Not that you need to know this, but I have fussy privates." "Tell me what they have." "Okay, slender regular, super plus, lights, they have some biodegradable applicator." "They also have a sanitary napkin." "No, that's like wearing a diaper." "Tell me what they have again." "Slender regular, super plus, lights" "Slender regular's good." "Slender regular." "Why?" "Why are you torturing me?" "God damn it!" "Fuck!" "Oh, oh!" "We have a dead soldier here." "I am gonna get us another bottle of wine." "Wha--are you trying to get the lady tipsy?" "Well, the first bottle is to spoil our senses, and the second bottle is just to keep the buzz going." "I'm already buzzed." "I think maybe I'll just smell the cork on that one." "You okay?" "Yeah, hey!" "No." "No sad eyes, all right?" "Just fun." "Tell me something that you have never told anybody else." "Okay." "Um, oh." "Okay, here's-- here's a good one." "It was my freshman year in college, and I brought my boyfriend home to meet my parents." "And we were horny as hell." "And we knew that we couldn't have sex in my parents' house." "So..." "We went for a drive." "We found this long, desolate, dusty farm road." "And we got out of the car, and he bent me over the hood and we fucked under the moonlight." " Wow." " Yeah, but that-  that's not the best part." " Ah-ha." "So the next day, we're putting the luggage into the car, we're saying good-bye to my parents, and there, on the hood, preserved in dust and dew... was my image." "My hands outstretched, my tits, my face, and I know--I know my father saw it, because, I mean, he could barely look me in the eye for the next year." "What?" "What are you thinking?" "That you have great breasts." "Is that a compliment?" "You know, coming from a gay guy?" "Oh, hey, hey, it's-- it's always a compliment." "Because speaking as someone who's never felt a breast," "I can say that I appreciate their aesthetic appeal." "You've never copped a feel?" "Well, by the time the girls had anything to cop," "I was already staring down the guys in the locker room." "But I get it." "I--I think that if I came back in my next life as a straight guy," "I would be able to wrap my head around a vagina." "What are you doing?" "Letting you cop a feel." "I mean, look, since I didn't really nail it on the wine wish," "I mean, let's-- let's satisfy your curiosity." "Aw, Cathy" "If this is the one thing you go to your grave without doing," "I'm gonna feel like a shitheel for not offering." "I mean, look, they're-- they're here." " Yup." " They're attached to me." "They're free." "I mean, unlike that bottle of wine." "So come on." "Look, I may never be this vulnerable and drunk again." "Come on." "Close your eyes." "Hello, Seven." "Shit." "Not Seven." "Sven." "Fuckin' Chinese." "Press one for your weight." "Press two for your body mass index." "Press three for your metabolic age." "Based on current information, your metabolic age is... 67 years old." "What the fuck?" "Press one for-- press two" "Press three for" "Your metabolic age is 67 years old." "Oh." "Thank you so much." "I don't want to think about what could've happened or what they would've said about me, if you weren't around to help me." "Why do you care what they think?" "If you ask me, people are assholes." "God, that is so true." "You are so wise." "You are my wise man." "Adam LeDouche, you are a gentleman." "Oh, my God, I love this song!" "♪ Lay a whisper on my pillow ♪" "♪ leave the winter on the ground ♪" "♪ I wake up lonely ♪" "♪ is there a silence ♪" "♪ in the bedroom ♪" "♪ and all around ♪" "♪ touch me now ♪" "♪ I close my eyes ♪" "♪ and dream away ♪" "♪ it must have been love ♪" "♪ but it's over now ♪" "♪ it must have been good ♪" "♪ but I lost it somehow ♪" "♪ it must have been love ♪" "♪ but it's over now ♪" "Whoa." "You look fancy, where have you been?" "I was with Poppy." "At a hotel." "Okay, but before you go ballistic, it was just for her high school reunion." "And before you go ballistic about that, it was totally weird." "Just me, Poppy, and a bunch of old people." "Did you have fun?" "Um..." "Yeah." "Yeah, I-- I kinda did." "When did you start drinking coffee?" "I tried it tonight, and I liked it." "Do you remember that little kid who used to live down the block from us, that used to bite himself?" "Oh." "Yeah." "Simon." "Why did he do that?" "Well, I think he was pretty unhappy." "His parents got divorced." "His dog got hit by that truck." "It's a lot for a kid to deal with." "But none of those things were his fault." "I think sometimes when you're sad and angry, and you don't want to take it out on someone, you take it out on yourself." "That's fucked up." "It is fucked up." "Hello, Seven, welcome back." "Paul, what are you doing?" "Well, I'm just, uh, I'm just trying this thing out on a different surface." "I'm pretty sure it's busted." "Press one for--press two-- press three for" "Your metabolic age is... 67 years old." "See?" "It keeps on turning me into a senior citizen." "Here, you try it." "Hello, Good-bye." "Welcome back." "Okay, press the button on the right." "Based on current information, your metabolic age is... 37 years old." "Hey!" "Look at that!" "I'm dying." " Paul" " No, this is crazy." "I'm 45, I'm only 45 years old." "I--I gotta get in better shape, honey." "I gotta get the treadmill out of the garage," "I gotta get--I gotta get back to my fighting weight." "You know?" "And, I'm sure you wouldn't mind if I lost a few pounds, right?" "What is that?" "♪ Take cover ♪" "Sean, your door's open!" "Sean"