"Icameasfastas I could, Margaret." "I double-parked my martini." "I'm soryto botheryou, but the colonel's not back from the 8063rd... and there's a problem with one ofhis patients." "His blood pressure's 80 over 60, and his abdomen is distended." "Well, how areyou feeling, uh, Corporal Fisher?" " My stomach's killing me, Doc." " When did the pain start?" "I'm not sure." "I was feeling fine." "Just coughing' a little." "And all ofa sudden my gut started hurting." "Corporal, we're gonna have to do some touch-up surgey." "Butyou're in luck." "We got a two-for-one offer this week." " Type and cross match him." " I already have." " good." "Okay, hang a unit." " Right." " Listen, Margaret. good catch." " Thanks." "## [ Humming ]" " What's this, a new coffee table?" " Can't find his shower shoes." " You can borrow mine." " Oh, thankyou." "The halfway houses forwayward lice?" "Huh." "Here they are... hidden under a pile of condemned underwear." "Charles, for underwear I always use a five iron." "It's always the same, isn't it?" "You two animals just add to the rag heap... until revulsion overwhelms me, and I am compelled to restore order." "And you do a bang-up job ofit too." "It's not easy staying one mess ahead ofyou." "Pierce, you are beyond belief!" "." "Hi, Colonel." "What's the word from the 8063rd?" "Pierce, I understand you had to do some mop-up work on Corporal Fisher." "J ust had to play hide-and-seek with a little shrapnel." " I think he's gonna be fine." " I could have sworn I picked him clean." "Well, it wasn't easy to spot." "It was hidden under the liver." "I think it must have dislodged when he started coughing... and nicked the hepatic artey." "He could have died." "Once in a while, we all miss a nail in the tire." "[Man On P.A.]Attention!" "The Chinese have begun a new off.ensive." "Commandanticipates heavy casualties within the next 24 hours." " This is a recording." " Someday I 'm gonna look back on this nightmare... and think of it all as just a bad dream." "[ Charles Clears Throat ]" "I presume those are just gonna lay there until I pick them up?" " Or until theywalk out on their own." " Well, I have had it... up to here and here and here!" "Charles, admittedly, it's not a great system, but at least it's a system." "Was!" "Was a system!" "Was a system!" "I am hereby serving notice that from this time forward..." "I shall cease to beyour chambermaid!" " How's the stomach, Fisher?" " A lot better, sir." "I'm sory I wasn't here when you needed me." "That's okay." "The nurses tell me Dr. Pierce saved my life." "He's the man I'd want to go to." "Yeah." "I'd like to thank him." "Sure." "I'll tell him to stop by." "You get some rest now." "Colonel, we have to make room forthe new wounded." "I thinkwe should transfer as many ofthese men as possible to the 1 2 1 st." "Well, let's have a looksee." "Schwartz can go." "Chandler can go." "McCormick, Washington." "And, uh, Corporal Logan over here is doing fine." " Thanks to Dr. Pierce." " We're sending you to the evac, Corporal." "What about Fisher?" "We're buddies." "Uh, I'm afraid we're gonna have to extend his reservation another couple of days." " But we have the same wounds, don't we?" " Yes, you do." "But with Fisher, we had to operate a second time." " Yeah, right." " Okay, sir." " Ah!" "Just the sirl was looking for." " What is it?" "Captain Schnelker from Tech Intelligence is here." "He's got some priority poop." "You want me to round up our crack surgey team?" "Yeah, and I'll be there too." "Last week, in their offensive north ofthe Han... the Chinese started using something a little different- white phosphorous rounds." "I always look forward to the fall, when the new line ofweapons comes out." "Now, these rounds are burning when they hit the victim... and they keep burning as long as they have oxygen." "Anyway, since we nowhave to deal with these hot tamales... we've developed a procedure to put the fire out." "Don't the Chinese know these kids are too young to smoke?" "The first step is to apply surgical jelly... which ideally, will be done at Battalion Aid." "Ideally, they shouldn't be using these boys for kindling in the first place." "Would you people knock offthe chatter?" "I'm gonna be operating on men who've been hit by this white phosphorous." " I'd like to know what I'm doing!" " The record will show..." " I haven't said a word." " I'm sory, Colonel." "Once they come down from Battalion Aid" "Evey month there's a new procedure we have to learn... because somebody's come up with an even betterway to mutilate the human body." "Tell me this, Captain." "How the hell am I supposed to keep up with it?" " I'm only the" " Ifthey can invent betterways to kill each other... why can't they invent a way to end this stupid war?" "The gravywas better than usual tonight." " You could cut it with a fork." " Do you smell something, Hawk?" "Onions." " And sardines." "Charles!" " Hiya." "I hate the taste of sardines." "And they taste better than they smell." "Well, I never consultyou in matters oftaste, becauseyou have none." "You sliced onions with my Swiss Army knife?" " Nah." "A Swiss Army officer did it." " Lookwho's here!" "The mobile army head shrink!" "Hello, Sidney!" "greetings." "Major." " Hiya." " First time I've seen you in your summer uniform." " This is the real me." " Sory to hear that." "Sidney, to what do we owe the honor?" "Well, you're getting a lot ofwounded in... and "I" Corps wants a report on howyou guys handle stress." "I've always wanted to do a paper on that." "You're welcome to bunk here with us at Chez Misérable." " Nice ofyou to ask." " Hawkeye and me are just regular guys... but Stanley Kowalski here means volumes." "Yeah." "He eats sardines a cappella." "Oh, yeah." "Care for a sardine, Sid?" "No, thankyou." " I've got to check in with Klinger." " Norwegian pilchard." "He "pilchard" my knife." "Sliced onions with it." "go ahead, Doc." "Tell him how sick that is." "I'd love to analyzeyou all, but I've had no training in child psychiaty." " [ Laughs ] - ##[Man Singing On Record]" " [Knocking]" " Come in." "## [ Continues ]" " Hello, Sherman." " Sidney." "I'm glad to seeyou." "So glad, in fact, I'm gonna do something I don't do forjust anybody- shut off "Along the Santa Fe Trail."" " ## [ Stops ]" " I'm flattered." "Bump into anybody elseyet?" "Just Lary, Moe and Curly over in the Swamp." "What kind of a stoy did you tell 'em?" "That I'm here to do a report on stress." "They bought it." "But why the- Why the smoke screen?" "Who's this top secret patient you want me to see?" " You're looking at him." " You?" "What it comes down to is, I haven't been myselflately." " Uh-huh." " Today, a young fellow was here from T.ID.... briefing us on a new kind ofwound we'll be dealing with... and I reared up and bit his head off... right in front of my own people." "Eveybody flies offthe handle once in a while." "Well, there's more, Sidney." " I bungled an operation." " Yes?" "I left a piece of shrapnel in a patient." "Pierce had to go back in and bail me out." "I'm sureyou would have done the same for him." "That's the catch." "I didn't have to." "He operated on a boywith the same wounds as mine had." "His came through with flying colors." "But I thought meatball surgey was fix 'em... close 'em and holler "next."" "Not exactly a flawless system." "Sidney, I never made that mistake before." "Hell, I know nobody's perfect." "But lately, I seem to be... a lot less perfect than I can accept." " I think maybe I" " Maybe you what?" "Maybe I just need some sleep." "Sounded like you were gonna say something else." "No, that was it." "I'm tired." "Besides, I feel much better just getting this off my chest." " Thanks, Sidney." " Lucky I don't work by the hour." "I'd go broke." "I feel sory dragging you all the way out here... just to listen to an old man ramble on." "Don't wory about it." "It gave me a chance to get out ofthe house." "Besides, maybe tomorrow I can scare up a poker game." " Okay ifl hang around?" " Yeah." "Maybe we can get in a few hands before the- the wounded show up." "great." "good night, Sherman." "good night, Sidney." "Seeyou in the morning." "[ Snoring ]" "[ groans ]" " Wake up, stinky!" " [ Mutters ]" " go away." " I believe this is yours." "It was, but I'm quite through with it now." "You can take it." "Enjoy." "Will you two keep it down?" "I don't believe it." "This is where we said good night." "[ Sniffs ] What's that horrible smell?" "Charles Emerson Winchester, the slob." "Hey, that's my knife!" "But it's a real Swiss Army knife now." "The onion has eaten holes in it." "And you still haven't cleaned it!" "How thoughtless of me." "Thereyou go." "Spotless." "Charles, you are both obnoxious and noxious." "Freud once observed people exhibiting this type ofbehavior." " Then he quit the business." " Sory to wakeyou, Sidney... but B.J. and I just crossed the international "enough" line." "I'd put this in my paper, but I might have to deliver it at a luncheon." " Charles, clean up this mess!" " Right now!" "gentlemen, I'd love to stay and chat, but it's time for breakfast." "Oh, I'm sure there'll be plenty." "Just check the can where they scrape their trays." "I saywe leave it." "Right." "Ifhe can stand it, we can stand it." "I can't stand it!" "Ifthose are eggs, I don't want any." "Just give me a couple ofslices ofthat burnt toast and an urn forthe ashes." " Sory, Colonel." " "Sory" don't fill my stomach." " Morning, Colonel." "How'd you sleep?" " Oh, like a baby." " Oh, I feel great." " glad to hear that." "I guess yesterdaywas just one ofthose days when my engine overheated." "Ifyou feel like kicking this thing around anymore..." "I do have to justify my gasoline voucher for the trip." "I hate to wasteyour time when there's plenty ofbona fide members... ofthe Crackers Battalion who could really useyour help." " Margaret, Padre." " [Mulcahy] Morning, Colonel." "Hello, Sidney." "You're obviouslyfeeling a lot better today." "I guess I just didn't have my bran yesterday." "Speaking of bran, Sidney, you better get some breakfast before they run out." "Not a bad idea." "Not a good one either." "Colonel, the extra blood has arrived, and the refrigerators are all full up." "Ifwe don't find a place to store it, it's gonna go flat." "What next?" "Back home at the Kiwanis picnic, we used to put the beer in the creek." " Ty that." " I guess that's why they payyou the colonel money." "Also, ifyou'll putyour Sherman T. Potter on this release... we can ship Corporal Fisher out to the evac." " Fisher?" " Uh, yes." "Fisher is my patient!" "Who authorized his release?" "Uh, don't look at me, sir." "It was Captain Pierce." "Is that so?" " Morning, Colonel." " What gives you the authority to green-light my patient?" " Who?" " Fisher!" "Well, his fever's down, his vital signs are good." "He's healthy enough to pack his own bags." "What's the problem?" "Fisher is my patient!" "Just because you operated on him after me... doesn't giveyou the right to rubber-stamp his release!" "You got that?" "Absolutely." "Hey, what areyou doing?" "I just struck clean." "You're tracking dirt all over it." "IfI'd known eveyone was gonna yell at me, I neverwould have come to this war." " Here." "Your Sun Worshipper's Monthly." " Oh, goody!" " You found it." "It's my favorite." " I want you to use it as a dustpan." "Well, why not?" "A dirty magazine for a dirtyjob." "[ Clearing Throat ]" "[ People Chattering Softly]" " [ Man ] Shh!" "Come here." " [ Snaps Fingers ]" "[ Chattering Continues ]" "Shh!" "Shh!" "## [ Whistling ]" "##[Continues ]" "## [ Stops ]" "[ Laughing ]" " ## [ Resumes ] - [ Laughing ]" "Excuse me, sir." "I have bad news that I have absolutely nothing to do with." "[ Shouts ]" "The surgeons are tearing the Swamp from limb to limb." "Ah!" "I seeyou boys have been busy with your spring cleaning." "I think this mattress would look better on top ofWinchester's desk." "Is that all you're gonna say, sir?" "No." "One more thing." "Order a new pillow." " Sidney, would you come with me?" " Yeah." "Being from New York, I guess you're not an aficionado... of cowboy music, huh, Sidney?" " Vey few ofthose groups play the Copa." " ## [ County]" "You've missed something." "You've been flying off the handle at eveybody else." " Why not the wrecking crew?" " Theywere just blowing off steam." "In a few hours, the Wounded Express is due in." "The longer the waiting, the worse the wait." "But when you blow off steam, you don't like it?" " Depends on what's boiling the water." " ## [ Continues ]" "Ifthere's a good enough reason, you can bet I'll go off." "But when I blow without good reason, I start getting worried." " Listen to this." " ## [ Man Singing ]" "Areyou worried thatyou blew up at Hawkeye back in the Mess Tent?" "I don't know why I did that." "Pierce is okay." "Justyoung." "That's all." "Sometimes I've got to sit on him." "## [ Singing Along With Record ]" " How old areyou, Sherm?" " Sixty-two." " Doyou think maybeyou're not really mad at Hawkeye?" " ## [ Continues ]" "It's just that he reminds you you're not a young surgeon anymore?" "Sidney, I called you becauseyou talk sense... not psychological mumbo jumbo." "Nextyou'll tell me I hate my father, love my mother... and have me looking at inkblots." "Well, I'll saveyou the time." "I've seen lots ofinkblots." "They all look like horses to me." "Okay, no more mumbo jumbo." "Why don'tyou just tell mewhat's been going on here the past few days, inside?" "Nothing." "You keep bringing me in to talk, and then you don't say anything." "## [ Stops ]" " Sidney, I've been in a cold sweat." " Why?" "I told you my mistake." "I almost cost a boy his life." "Next thing I heard, we were getting casualties in." "That's when something snapped." "I mean, those announcements always tighten my gut a bit... but... this was different." "Worse." "It was like eveything was falling down around me... and I was gonna fall apart with it." " That's scay." " Pretty soon... those choppers are comin' in... and I've got to go into O.R. and start cuttin' into people." "I don't know ifI'll be able to hit the bull's-eye again." " You're letting me down." " Letting you down?" "There's nothing new here." "Sherm, we're all worried about getting old, but we've got to face it." "Not like I do." "Look atyou." "When your hand starts to shake a little, you can still go on..." "But being a surgeon is all I am." "It's the only kind of doctor I everwanted to be." "Since I was a boy." "Back in Hannibal, I had an uncle" " Uncle Roy." "He was a veterinarian." "Used to cart me along when he'd make his rounds." "One time, he was operating on a colicky horse." "Right there, with me watching... he laid that mare down... and removed an enterolith from her belly." "My uncle showed me the beauty- the "gloy." he called it- ofwhat's inside living creatures." "From that minute, my dream was to be a surgeon." "And it came true." "I've lived that wide-eyed little boy's dream ever since." "But maybe now... it's over." "Over?" "Because of one piece of shrapnel?" "Maybe that one piece of shrapnel was tying to tell me something." "Look at Joe DiMaggio." "He just hung up number five... and is going out with his head and batting average high." "But even ifhewanted to... hang around a while longer, whatwould it matter?" "A few more strikeouts maybe." "But ifl strike out, it could cost a life." "Sidney, I'm afraid to go in there." "Why couldn'tyou tell me that's whatyou were afraid of?" "Because I was scared... you'd tell me I'm right." "Look, I can't tell you whetheryou've lostyour touch." "Somedayyou will." "Eveybody does eventually." "But whether that someday is today... you're the only one who has the answer." "But you mustn't let the fear make the decision foryou." " [HelicopterApproaching] - [Man On P.A. ]Attention allpersonnel." "The woundedyou have been waiting for are here in person." "Report to the big top immediately." "The circus is about to begin." "Earl ier than I expected." "Put hi m under, deep." "I got it." "[ Chattering ]" "Okay, boys and girls." "Let's go to work." "[ Chattering Continues ]" "Believe me, it's just like when you're expecting casualties." " The waiting is the worst part." " [ Mutters ]" "Well, Charles, the pressure certainly didn't get toyou." "Perhaps I did tippy-toe towards the deep end just a bit." "Okay, Klinger, I think it's time for the drawing." "The winner of the Shave MajorWinchester raffle is..." " Colonel Sherman Potter!" " [ Cheering ]" "Okay, Charles, ifyou die, remember, it wasn't in vain." "Yes, the $3.65 we raised goes to the orphanage." " Terribly reassuring." " Don't wory, Major." "Your face is in good hands." "I'm steady as a rock." "After all, I'm a surgeon."