"(MACHINE BEEPS)" "ON SPEAKER:" "Hi, honey, this is your mother." "Listen, I know you're very busy with the new job, but please try and call us." "Did you get the birthday sweater we sent?" "We?" "!" "be home all weekend." "Bye." "(MACHINE BEEPS)" "Howard, Jim here." "We still set for racquetball on Saturday?" "Give me a shout, buddy." "Bye-bye." "(MACHINE BEEPS)" "Hi, it's Wendy." "I had this really intense dream last night, Howie." "I was running my fingers through your feathers, and all of a sudden... (CHUCKLES) Well, you better come over tonight and I'll show you what really happened next." "Ciao for now, Howie." "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)" "TV ANNOUNCER:" "Hey!" "Ricky Pate, back with you again for lots more Dance Frenzy excitement!" "Here's couple number three, our lovely Latin dance team from Webford Falls." "Charles is a machinist first class in the Navy and his darling wife Madge is a blackjack dealer." "(STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "Just a super job, kids." "Charles and Madge." "Come on, let's hear it for 'em, folks!" "What's the maker, George?" "(GROANS)" "Hmm." "Jack itch again?" "I've got just the thing." "Hmm." "Here." "Why not lake a shot of new Sheds Blaster." "Huh?" "It's guaranteed to wipe out feather fungus in even the most active crotches." "ANNOUNCER:" "Shorts Blaster." "In addition, you've wan a new car!" "(WOMAN SQUEALING)" "(GROANS)" "(LAUGHS) But that's not all!" "Oh, Fred, I love you so much it hurts." "Uh..." "He's dead!" "Why can't society see... $79.95?" "Forget it!" "$49.99?" "No way!" "(YAWNS)" "I'm Crazy Webby, and my prices are insane!" "Uh-huh." "Who'd they interview this month?" "Mmm-hmm." "My little airbrushed beauty." "(RUMBLING)" "(GASPS)" "What?" "Oh, no!" "It's a quake!" "Hey!" "I can't get up!" "Ahh!" "What is going on here?" "(SCREAMING)" "Casey, did you hear something?" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "(SINGING) I'm such a lucky girl" "In love" "(SCREAMING)" "Oh!" "Whoa!" "(SCATTING)" "(GASPS) Hey!" "Wow!" "(SCREAMING)" "NARRATOR:" "The cosmos..." "Countless worlds upon worlds..." "Worlds without end." "In these galaxies, every possible reality exists, and what is reality on any one world is mere fantasy on all others." "Here, all is real and all is illusion." "What is, what was, and what will be start here with the words," ""In the beginning there was," ""Howard the duck!"" "(SCREAMING)" "Whoa!" "Whoo!" "(GROANING)" "(GASPING)" "(GASPING)" "(WHIMPERING)" "(GROWLS)" "(MOANING)" "I'm a dead duck!" "Hey!" "Come on!" "Oh, no!" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Hey, Bender!" "Go on in, frankenweenie!" "We finally found you a date!" "What is this?" "(SINGING) Stay home, city boy" "Hey, that costume don't fool me." "No kids allowed!" "BENDER:" "Hey, wait a minute!" "That's my date!" "I said out of the way!" "(SCREAMING)" "Own sweet bed at night" "(SCREAMING)" "No, wait!" "Keep your mind off real life" "You little creep!" "You get away from my cart, you filthy degenerate!" "So, stick to television" "I can make it" "Here in Hunger City" "(SCREAMS)" "Nothing's gonna stop me" "I know I'll survive" "I can take it" "Here in Hunger City" "(WOMAN GIGGLING)" "(SCREAMS)" "Christ, it touched me!" "What the hell is it?" "(EXCLAIMS) I wasn't trying anything!" "Honest!" "Step on it, will you?" "(SCREAMS)" "So the day folds into night" "(SCREAMING)" "You sat down in your easy chair" "Oh, there!" "There, there." "Ha!" "Up and away!" "(LAUGHS)" "Oh, no!" "(BOTH EXCLAIM)" "Are you ready for an incredible story?" "Waste it, man!" "Waste it!" "Oh, no!" "Here in Hunger City" "Nothing's gonna stop me" "I know I'll survive" "I can take it" "Here in Hunger City" "Even though they'd eat me" "Just to stay alive" "(GROANS)" "Hunger City!" "Talk about a rotten day!" "Hunger City!" "Just saw your show!" "Oh, great." "Thanks." "Oh, gracious lady, love your music!" "Hey!" "Bye, now." "Can I have your autograph on my shirt?" "Oh, me, too!" "And my shorts!" "Real charming." "Just go away, okay?" "Hey!" "I'm talking to you, big rock star!" "(BEVERLY GROANING)" "Let me go, you creep!" "Hey, don't go snot-nose on us!" "We're your biggest fans!" "I said, let me go!" "Help, somebody, help!" "(GROANS)" "Help!" "Come here, snot-nose!" "(SCREAMS)" "That's it." "No more Mr. Nice Duck." "Huh?" "Let the female creature go!" "Huh?" "Every duck's got his limit, and you scum have pushed me over the line." "Jimmy..." "Do you, like, see what I see?" "A talking duck?" "Yeah, that's it." "I've been doing too much toot!" "Shoo!" "Fly away!" "Shoo!" "No one laughs at a master of quack fu!" "(EXCLAIMING)" "Jimmy, you okay?" "Get off me!" "You're crazy!" "Get out of here!" "Come on, you!" "You're breaking my fingers!" "Now' you and Baby Face are gonna beat it." "Right, Mr. Zits?" "Before I get really mad." "(THUNDER RUMBLES)" "Come on!" "Let's get out of here!" "This is obviously no place for an intelligent, sensitive duck." "This is unreal." "I mean, it can't be." "Thanks." "You're not really a..." "A duck?" "You know, this is beginning to seriously undermine my self-esteem." "I'm sorry." "I guess I should thank you for chasing those guys off." "Are you okay?" "Yeah, sure." "Terrific." "I just have one giant question." "Where am I?" "Oh, well, uh, the lights up there are Ninth Street and the bus stops at the corner of Powell." "No, no, no, no, no." "I'm asking, what is this place?" "Uh..." "Cleveland." ""Cleve Land?" Uh-huh." "That's a perfect weird name for this planet." "Planet?" "No, no." "That's the city." "The planet's..." "You don't know the planet?" "Oh, well." "The planet's called Earth," "I think, and I'm obviously in some sort of terrible nightmare." "Oh, yeah?" "Your nightmare or mine?" "Good point." "So, uh..." "I guess I'd better be going." "Mmm." "Thanks again." "Bye." "Bye." "Listen..." "Huh?" "You got someplace to go?" "Hey, if I had someplace to go," "I certainly wouldn't be in Cleveland." "(SQUAWKING)" "Come on." "Nice place." "You pay to live here?" "It's cheap." "The manager of my band found it for me." "I suggest you find a new manager." "Hey, I'd love to, but we got this damn contract with the sleazoid, and he won't even give us the money he owes us." "(SIGHS) Come on in." "Uh, it's sort of a disaster area." "We've been working on some new songs, you know?" "See, the bands called Cherry Bomb." "And..." "Well' we've been playing in these grungy mung-holes, waiting for our big break." "You don't have any idea what I'm talking about, do you, Mr..." "Hello?" "Duck?" "It's Howard, thank you." "(CHUCKLES) Right." "Howard." "Hi, I'm Beverly." "Uh, listen, would you like something to eat or drink?" "Milk'?" "I could put it in a bowl." "Ugh, doll, I don't drink out of bowls." "You got a beer?" "Beer?" "Right." "Beer." "Right." "Uh..." "God, I can't believe this." "(MUMBLING) Yeah, yeah." "I'll put you in a bowl." "What?" "Phew!" "Oh, give me a break." "(SQUAWKS)" "What's this?" "Oh, it's a purse." "I got it at a swap meet." "Cute." "Yeah, big brewski." "I'm sorry I'm so nervous." "It's just that I've never been around a..." "Mmm-hmm'?" "I mean, I've never even had any pets or anything." "It always seemed like such a hassle." "You know, feeding 'em, cleaning up their little poo-poos." "I'll try to be careful." "No, wait." "I didn't mean that you..." "Hmm?" "Oh." "Look, why don't you just sit down?" "Okay." "Why not?" "Make yourself at home." "Make myself at home?" "I wish!" "Listen." "(MOTOR RUMBLING)" "Oh, no!" "Not again!" "(SCREAMS)" "Howard, it's okay!" "You're all right." "The chair started shaking!" "It was just a big truck going by." "(TRUCK HONKING)" "A truck." "I knew that." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "What I don't know is what the hell I'm doing here." "It's like a bad trip." "I mean, talk about an identity crisis." "(PLAYING KEYBOARD)" "Yeah." "What an awful thing to happen." "Howard, I was just kind of wondering, does everybody on your planet look like, uh..." "Like you?" "Obviously." "Why?" "Oh, no reason." "Just wondered." "So, what do you do back home?" "You got a job?" "You go to school?" "I went to med school for a while." "You went to med school?" "Yeah." "My parents wanted me to be a doctor." "A plastic surgeon, making big bucks doing beak jobs, tail tucks." "What happened?" "I dropped out." "I decided to educate myself in the real world, on the streets, so, I wrote songs at night and did construction work by day." "Wow." "That sounds great." "You know, I write songs, too." "What kind of..." "Listen." "It doesn't matter." "It was all a pipe dream." "I got so tired of everyone saying, "Grow up, Howard,"" "I guess I finally did." "Last month, I got what they call a promising job." "Oh, yeah?" "Doing what?" "Advertising copywriter." "(IN FRENCH ACCENT) "Only two things touch my feathers," ""Oil of Night Fowl and him."" "I wrote that" "(GIGGLES)" "Jeez, Howard." "It sort of sounds like you sold out." "Maybe." "But, sometimes, I still get this feeling there's some kind of special destiny waiting for me." "Howard, that's it." "Maybe that's why you're here." "I mean, I believe that there are no accidents in the universe." "Maybe you're here for some greater purpose, some cosmic cause." "Are you nuts?" "(YAWNING)" "I got no intention of being stranded here." "I gotta get back." "How is another matter." "Yeah." "Right." "We gotta get some help." "Oh, but, Howard... (SNORING)" "(GASPS)" "(SQUAWKS)" "Oh, jeez." "Howard!" "(THUNDER RUMBLING)" "(SNORING)" "What am I gonna do with you," "Ducky?" "(MUTTERING)" "(SIGHS)" "Ah!" "This is humiliating." "I just don't want people freaking out all over the place." "What about me?" "I'm gonna have to see a psychiatrist every day for the rest of my life." "Relax!" "We're almost there." "Oh, goodie." "Phil's a scientist." "He can help." "Oh!" "Ow!" "Howard, this isn't working!" "HOWARD:" "Tell me about it!" "Can I give you a hand with that?" "No." "We're doing..." "What's in the bag?" "I'm doing fine, thank you very much." "Let me out of here." "Ouch." "Excuse me, could I help you with that?" "Yes!" "No!" "Why are we stopping?" "Hi." "Oh, hi, Beverly." "We had an appointment." "BEVERLY:" "We got here as fast as we could." "(EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY)" "God." "Listen, everybody." "This is it." "I've just seen it." "It's in there." "It's a..." "It's a..." "It's nothing!" "(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)" "It's nothing!" "Never mind!" "Carry on, Dr. Chapin." "This is amazing." "Man's oldest fantasy..." "Across a sea of stars..." "Look!" "Up in the sky!" "It's a bird!" "It's a plane!" "No!" "It's a duck!" "Phil, you've got to help us." "What are we gonna do?" "Nice ducky." "Me Phil." "You Howard." "We be friends." "Ugh." "(SQUAWKING) Me Phil." "You Howard." "We can be friends." "Undoubtedly one of Earth's greatest minds here." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Hey, Phil, don't talk to him like that." "He's just as smart as you are." "Oh!" "Now, I'm really depressed." "Highly intelligent, perhaps even..." "Wait, that's it." "We're about to see if the subject has any abilities we don't have here on Earth, any..." "What?" "Shall we say..." "Hmm'?" "Super powers." "Howard!" "Hmm'?" "Can you bend this?" "(CLATTERING)" "What are you?" "Crazy?" "Howard..." "Can you burn a hole through this with some kind of eye laser?" "Can I bite your nose off with my super bill?" "Howard, quit holding out!" "I want you to concentrate and read my mind!" "Right." "You're thinking..." ""They know I'm a phony." ""They know I'm a yo-yo."" "(LAUGHS)" "Tell me if I'm warm on any of these, Phil." "I want you to look into the future and tell me what you see!" "I see myself walking out that door." "BEVERLY:" "Yeah!" "Me, too!" "No, no, no!" "Wait, wait!" "You can't leave!" "Oh, yeah?" "Why not?" "Because there are papers to be written, there's research to be done, there's symposiums to give, lecture tours." "Howard, we are on our way to the science hall of fame." "Lookout, Darwin!" "Lookout, Einstein!" "Hello, Nobel Prize!" "We are not here to make you famous, Blumburtt." "Beverly, listen, I never badmouth others in the scientific fraternity, but you bring an alien in a bag to most guys, and whammo!" "They're talking, "Let's cut him into little pieces" ""and see what color his organs are!"" "I just want to know, A, what I'm doing here, and B, how I'm gonna get back." "Piece of cake." "A, I'm just the guy to help, and that's because B, I've already got a theory." "What theory?" "Well, this is, of course, the evolutionary ladder, showing how man progressed from monkey to..." "Me, for instance." "You consider that progress?" "Jeez, you're all hairless apes?" "That's really disgusting." "Now, I want you both to imagine, somewhere in the universe is Howard's world." "Picture it in your mind, a world almost exactly like ours, except that the progenitor of the dominant species was not a monkey, but a duck!" "Some theory." "Every school duck knows this stuff." "And as the duck climbed up the evolutionary ladder, he said adios to his wings." "His mental capacity increases." "He begins to develop..." "Beverly?" "Shopping malls?" "(CHUCKLES)" "No, tribes." "Cro-Magnum duck, who ultimately evolves into" "Howard." "Hey, Blumburtt!" "Blumburtt!" "Come on." "DR. CHAPIN:" "What the hell are you doing?" "Don't move!" "Don't breathe!" "Did you finish cleaning up the specimen lab?" "Um, almost finished." "Well, get down to the marine life exhibit with a mop." "Some kid upchucked all over the fern fossils." "Right Good as done, Dr. Chapin." "HOWARD:" "So, Philsie..." "You a scientist or a janitor?" "Uh, I am a lab assistant." "That's terrific." "Just perfect..." "Yeah, I'm out of here." "Look, it's just a temporary job until I finish school and get my own museum." "Yeah." "Stuffed, you'd make a great exhibit." "Howard!" "BEVERLY:" "Howard, wait!" "(SCREAMS)" "Ah-ha!" "Typical hairless ape." "Howard, now, come on." "Don't flutter off in a huff." "Beverly, listen, I've got some important matters..." "DR. CHAPIN:" "Blumburtt, did you hear me?" "To clean up here, but I'll call you tonight." "DR. CHAPIN:" "I want you back in here, now." "I'll figure out a way to help Howard, I swear." "Just don't show him to anybody else..." "Yeah, they look hungry." "Get 'em a banana." "Hide him!" "Take him to a movie!" "Look, I didn't know where else to go for help." "DR. CHAPIN:" "Inside, Blumburtt!" "Coming!" "Coming!" "Howard, why are you so pissed off?" "Why?" "Listen." "If you got blasted millions of miles through space, ended up on another planet and were given an IQ test by a janitor, you'd be a little pissed off, too." "Look, maybe you are trapped in a world you never made, but I got problems of my own." "You know, my whole career is falling apart." "Your career?" "What about my life?" "(CHILDREN LAUGHING)" "I'm stranded here, shipwrecked." "Look at this wonderful exhibit!" "You see what I mean?" "I'm a freak, an outcast." "It's so lifelike and realistic." "Bugger off!" "Excuse me?" "I said beat it!" "(GROWLING)" "(CHILDREN SCREAMING)" "Mutants." "You, too." "Leave me alone." "What?" "I don't need any more of your sympathy, your charity..." "Okay." "Okay, fine." "I mean, I just found something..." "Uh-uh?" "I mean somebody in a pretty weird predicament, and I was trying to help." "Mmm-hmm." "If that's the way you want it, then so long, Ducky." "Don't shed any tears over me, toots!" "You can wallow in your own self-pity!" "Right!" "Well, who needs you?" "I don't need anybody." "Yeah, right." "Yeah." "(SQUAWKS)" "Oh, no!" "Damn it, I can't sit here on my tail feathers feeling sorry for myself." "I've got to think about practical matters." "Food, shelter..." "A job!" "(HUMMING)" "Now, you do know why you were sent to me?" "My continuing streak of bad luck?" "(CHUCKLES)" "You've been sent to me because I'm famous for finding jobs for little slackers like you." "That's right." "They send me all the psycho cases, all the misfits, all the phonies and the fakers who think that, by traipsing in here looking outlandish, they're not gonna be able to find work!" "It's my fault I gotta shoplift at the little tykes section of Goodwill?" "I'm not talking about your clothes!" "I'm talking about your face!" "Hey." "You think that, by looking controversial, you're never gonna find a job and just go on collecting unemployment and living happy on the public dough." "Well, dude, you got another thing coming, 'cause Coramae always places her interviewee!" "(SNARLING)" "I'm gonna find your ass a job." "That'll wipe that snarl right off your face, little..." "Whatever you is." "Hmm." "Infant," "I think I got just the position for you." "Hmm." "(GROWLING)" "I got a feeling you gonna take to this job like a duck to water." "(LAUGHING)" "(MOANING)" "Towels!" "Lotions!" "(GIRL SHRIEKING)" "Antibiotics?" "(SHUDDERS)" "(LAUGHING)" "Hmm, must be mating season." "Creepy little dude." "Hey!" "Shorty!" "Huh?" "It's Howard, thank you, and I'm taking a break." "Oh!" "Pardon me, your lowness, but we seem to have a plugged-up air jet in number five." "And?" "And?" "And since you are supposed to be the water expert I asked for, you are going to fix it!" "Oh, no." "HOWARD:" "No, no, no!" "Wait, wait!" "I got a better idea!" "Wait!" "Wait!" "I can't swim!" "Oops!" "Guess I slipped!" "(MOANING)" "(GASPING)" "Don't mind me!" "(GROANS IN DISGUST)" "I need that creepy little dude in here to clean this place up!" "How am I supposed to run a class... (SCREAMS)" "Guess I slipped." "Just came by to tell you," "I quit!" "Huh!" "(SIGHS)" "HOWARD:" "Excuse me!" "Getting off!" "My stop!" "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "Hi, there." "How are you?" "Good to see you." "MAN:" "Hey, where you going, pal?" "Yeah, same to you." "Urban jungle." "Jeez!" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "MAN 1:" "What is that'?" "MAN 2:" "That's a duck!" "What is that thing?" "That's a duck, man!" "TV NEWS REPORTER:" "Forecasting a weekend of fair weather for you duck hunters and for our lucky field reporter," "Steve Kanelli." "Well, Bob, it's time to dust off those decoys and practice that squawking because duck hunting season has officially opened..." "Duck hunting?" "And the Wildlife Commission has actually doubled the limit of ducks that can be shot." "Shot?" "Reactions from local hunters have been enthusiastic." "MAN: (IN FRENCH ACCENT) The duck has come to America with Duck-A-Roni." "Oh, no!" "But if every hunter can blast 15 of those... from the sky... (TRUCK BACKFIRES)" "(SCREAMING)" "Hey, buddy, what's the rush?" "(EXCLAIMING)" "(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)" "(PANTING)" "Huh?" "BEVERLY: (SINGING) a' don't know why" "You're not talking to me" "I don't know what went wrong" "Two people who had so much together" "Really ought to gel along" "Yeah" "Something started to change inside of you" "Then right out of the blue" "Two friends with such a lot to give" "I don't know where you are" "What you're going through" "What are we trying to prove?" "'Cause when this world's too big" "To take on your shoulders" "Feels like love is in vain" "You could break down in my arms, babe" "But it really hurts when you turn away" "And I can lake the look you give me" "Believe me" "'Cause I know you are in pain" "And I can take the names you nail me" "But I can't stand when you turn away" "Don 't turn away" "I can feel you all around me" "This is way too depressing." "(CROWD JEERING)" "Okay." "Give me a beat!" "One, two, three, four!" "MAN:" "Yeah!" "(WHISTLES)" "Honey!" "I love you!" "I love you!" "(KISSING NOISES)" "Yeah, right here." "Beverly, I'm yours..." "After the show." "All right." "Here's the money for the girl." "I'll make sure they get it!" "(LAUGHING)" "Yeah, I'll bet." "When?" "When'?" "When bodacious Beverly stops holding out on me." "Gonna invite her up to my place tonight for a little career manipulation." "I guess you must be the girls' manager." "And if you are," "I don't like the way you're talking about Beverly." "And I want the girls' money!" "(STAMMERING) Ritchie, what is that'?" "Look, Ginger, I warned you when you got into rock management you'd be dealing with the entertainment types." "You know, different strokes and all that." "Hey, hey, different lifestyles is one thing, different life forms is another." "(GASPS)" "I'm not in a real good mood tonight, Ginger." "I want the girls' money." "(SNICKERS)" "Now, is this gonna be easy, or is this gonna be trouble?" "Hey, Ritchie, tell it to go away." "I'm not up on all my barnyard languages." "(COUGHING)" "Okay, duck, out!" "You're gone!" "You're history, you little wise-quacker!" "Arrivederci, duck!" "Oh!" "Oh, no!" "Mallard in the side pocket!" "Adios, quack man!" "Very nicely done." "Hey, what's going on out there now?" "Huh?" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "(GROWLING)" "All right." "Now it's my turn." "Hey, come on, duck, take your best shot!" "(GRUNTS)" "You got it!" "Ritchie!" "Get up!" "Duck kabob!" "(EXCLAIMS)" "No!" "(CROWD SHRIEKS)" "(SCREAMING)" "Oh." "No earring in your other ear?" "I'll just make the hole myself." "No, please, man!" "Don't, man, please don't!" "The money!" "Sure!" "Sure, here!" "Here, take the money!" "Take it, it's yours!" "Take it!" "And you're no longer their manager." "Listen, okay, everybody in here is a witness." "I am letting the girls out of their contract, okay?" "Tell your goons to stay back!" "I'm warning you." "Stay back, Ritchie!" "I bite your face, you're a dead man, Ginger!" "What are you talking about?" "Space rabies!" "Ritchie, is that a real disease?" "I don't know, Ginger." "I heard something about that on the news." "That's right, space rabies!" "One bite, and it's agonizing death in 15 seconds!" "Bite!" "Bite!" "Bite!" "(CROWD SCREAMING)" "Real music lovers, huh'?" "(SCOFFS)" "KC:" "What a dive!" "(SCOFFS)" "Man, those guys are a bunch of fools!" "Obviously the wrong crowd." "I'm running out of sticks to throw at people." "This sucks." "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" "Now what?" "Tell 'em to go away." "(HOWARD CLEARS THROAT)" "Down here, doll!" "Is Beverly in?" "Wow!" "Jeez!" "You must be..." "KC!" "Meet Howard." "Wow!" "Hi, Howie." "We've heard so much about you." "Of course, we didn't believe it." "Yo!" "How weird." "(CHUCKLES)" "Hiya, Ducky." "Hi, toots." "BEVERLY:" "How's the world been treating you?" "(SCOFFS)" "Guess." "I was worried about you." "I missed you." "Well, sex appeal." "Some guys got it and some guys don't." "Howard!" "Listen, I'm sorry we fought." "You're the only friend I've got here." "(CHUCKLES)" "(DOOR OPENS)" "Hi!" "Sorry I missed the show." "I came to watch you undress, though, and brought a pizza." "Howard!" "(SQUAWKS)" "Oy..." "Vey." "Thank God you're back!" "I've been working on the mystery of your arrival!" "What's he doing here?" "Well, he and Ronette have sort of got back together." "I don't know who's more desperate for dates, you or me." "Huh?" "Hmm." "Anyway, Howard, I was talking to some astrolophysicists." "You know, the guys that discovered that Aztecs came from Mars." "Well, these guys concluded that you arrived here in a spacecraft millions of years ago and must have remained frozen in ice!" "Go away!" "Ronette, could you shut this boy up?" "Howard..." "What's a pizza?" "It's a circular Italian food object." "Howard, I didn't buy that theory either, so I did some research and I discovered an ancient race of large ducks worshipped by primitive Samoans." "Leave me alone!" "I was barking up the wrong tree, I knew that, but tonight, I am getting concrete evidence about how you got here." "(PAGER BEEPS) Wait a minute." "Oh, I gotta make a call." "Phil!" "No sex now." "I'm working." "Got a place to stay tonight?" "Mmm-mmm." "(LAUGHS)" "Oh, yeah, by the way, I forgot..." "I had a little talk with your manager, Ginger." "You talked to that slime?" "What for?" "I got your money from him." "(ALL GASP)" "Ducky, I can't believe this!" "I also got him to agree that it was time for him to step aside as your manager." "What?" "You got rid of Ginger?" "Mr. Duck, you're wonderful!" "This is it!" "I'm out of here!" "Good!" "Howard!" "I'm about to meet secretly with my colleague, and he's bringing the feather." "What feather?" "What are you talking..." "If it matches, it'll be the answer to all your problems." "Matches?" "No, you don't!" "Stay away from me!" "Let me through!" "Phil, leave him alone." "(SCREAMING)" "Philip, get a grip!" "I'm about to unravel the mystery of your arrival!" "Come back here, you hairless ape!" "You'll have time to thank me later." "Get out of here, geek!" "(LAUGHING) We're gonna be famous!" "Are you okay?" "Oh, it's just my pride." "We'll go home, Ducky." "(PLAYING KEYBOARD)" "Hmm." "(PROGRAMED BEATS PLAYING)" "(BEATS STOP)" "(CHUCKLES)" "(BEATS PLAYING)" "Yeah." "Uh-huh!" "(PLAYING KEYBOARD)" "Yeah!" "All right!" "(LAUGHING)" "(SCATTING)" "Hey!" "(STOPS PLAYING)" "A little tune I never finished." "You play pretty good." "I had a group in high school," "Howard and the Heartbreakers." "Oh, heavy, Howard." "Very heavy." "Maybe you should be our manager." "Wait a second..." "Maybe you're just the kind of bizarre influence we need." "Forget it." "No more jobs here." "Uh-uh." "I think you'd be a great manager." "I'm gonna suggest it to the girls." "I've given up trying to assimilate." "Mmm-mmm." "I've got to get back to my own kind." "Although..." "I have developed a greater appreciation for the female version of the human anatomy." "(HOWARD HOWLS)" "Howard, you really are the worst!" "(CHUCKLES)" "Come on, let's watch David Letterman." "Hmm." "Come on." "Okey-dokey." "You know, I got a feeling my life's really gonna change since you fell into it, Ducky." "Yeah, well, I'm glad somebody's happy." "If I could just get my career back on course," "I'd only have the old standard worry left." "What's that?" "Just can't seem to find the right man." "Maybe it's not a man you should be looking for." "You think I might find happiness in the animal kingdom, Ducky?" "Like they say, doll, love's strange." "We could always give it a try." "Hmm'?" "Okay." "Let's go for it, Mr. Macho." "What do you mean, okay?" "It was a joke!" "Mmm-hmm." "Listen... (YAWNING) I'm pretty tired." "It's just that you're so incredibly soft and cuddly." "Bev, let's be realistic." "I mean, my apartment's zillions of miles from here." "(EXCLAIMS)" "You're 3 feet taller than I am." "I just can't resist your intense animal magnetism." "(MOANS)" "Whoops!" "Anyway' where will it all lead?" "Marriage?" "Kids?" "A house in the suburbs?" "Let's just face it, it's fate." "No!" "It's not!" "(SHUDDERS)" "I've got a headache." "And I got the aspirin." "Be gentle." "Just one good-night kiss, sweet Ducky?" "Come on, Howard, I was just kidding." "Night." "(SIGHS)" "(GASPS)" "(EXCLAIMS)" "My God!" "This relationship, it defies all the laws of nature." "No, it doesn't" "This is not what you think." "We're just very good friends." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Phil!" "Oh, I'm sorry." "The door was open." "Who the hell are they?" "This is my friend Carter, and this is Dr. Walter Jenning, and I told 'em all about you, Howard." "You were obviously right." "Show him the evidence." "What evidence?" "We tested them, and they're both from the same fowl." "You, Howard." "My feathers?" "Howard!" "Howard, don't go berserk!" "No!" "On my planet, we never say die, we say kill!" "Now, wait a minute." "Listen to me, small visitor." "I can explain how you got here." "Hmm'?" "CARTER:" "Dr. Jenning is in charge of the astrophysics lab at Dynatechnics." "Now, on the night of September 8..." "That's the night that Howard landed." "Yes, now, on that night, we were initiating our first full-scale test of the laser spectroscope." "This was shot during the experiment." "It was just a routine procedure meant to measure the density of the gases that surround Alpha Centauri." "However, partway through the experiment, there was a deviation and we lost control of the laser spectroscope." "What do you mean, lost control?" "Some unknown force was redirecting the laser beam from its original target so that it hit your planet instead." "Hit my planet?" "How about hit my living room?" "Talk about an invasion of privacy." "When the beam hit, you must have been caught up in a massive energy inversion which literally dragged you through space back to the power source here on Earth." "Radical." "JENNING:" "In the lab that night, we saw a single feather fall." "Oh." "We weren't aware that the rest of you, Howard, had landed in that alley just 2 miles away." "Any questions?" "Yeah." "Where are my pants?" "Howard, where are you going?" "To this lab of theirs." "What for'?" "To hop back onboard that laser thing." "Then all you have to do is hit the reverse lever to send me back home, right?" "Well, we hadn't considered reversing the process." "I don't think it's feasible." "Me either." "Now, wait a minute." "If we could generate a strong enough hypercharge..." "You can't do that" "You mean the reflex mode might provoke a total reversal." "It just might be possible." "It won't work." "Yeah." "Sir..." "Don't listen to them, Howard." "I have got you booked on A.M. Cleveland." "We can get the cover of Science Digest..." "Butt out, four-eyes." "BEVERLY:" "Yeah." "Look, you guys, could you really send him back?" "JENNING:" "If we did, we could establish a continuing link between our planets, but he would have to leave tonight, while the alignment still exists." "We can't afford to wait." "You mean I'm finally gonna breeze this flytrap?" "Ducky, this is what you wanted." "You're going home." "Yeah." "JENNING:" "Right." "Carter, call Larry." "Have him set up the initiation procedure." "Tell him I'll meet him at the lab right away." "You and Blumburtt can bring Howard." "You are about to make history a second time, my little friend." "Thanks." "But once was plenty." "Get to it." "Right." "You know, Howard, we could hold out for a PBS special..." "Phil." "HOWARD:" "Bev, get dressed." "Aren't you gonna see me off?" "Sure, I am." "I just hope they let you take a carry-on bag." "Look, I'm gonna put in these Polaroids that we took at the club." "Thanks." "These'll help." "The guys back home are never gonna believe me." "(CHUCKLES)" "What's this in my bed?" "Souvenirs?" "I'm gonna miss you a lot, Ducky." "Bev, I don't belong here." "You know I've gotta go." "Yeah." "(BARKS)" "Lilly had the dolphins," "Cousteau, the whales," "Goodall, gorillas." "I had a duck." "I could have been a contender." "Bev..." "I'm not a real sentimental guy." "No." "I bet you were born from a very hardboiled egg, Ducky." "Yeah." "But I do keep wondering..." "Of all the alleys in the world I could have fallen into that night, why did it have to be yours?" "Because, right now, you're the one and only thing that's making it very hard for me to leave." "(PHONE RINGING)" "There's no guard." "Oh." "We should go back, then, huh?" "Phil..." "What?" "Drive." "(ALARM BLARING)" "What are these alarms?" "Somethings happened." "What's happened?" "I don't know." "That is really cool." "Right." "Hold it." "Security." "(SCREAMING) My eyes!" "My eyes!" "It exploded again!" "It was terrible!" "We have no right to tamper with the universe!" "(GROANING)" "This does not bode well." "Hmm." "(PEOPLE CLAMORING)" "Is he okay?" "Whoa!" "BEVERLY:" "Holy Toledo!" "MAN 1:" "Put it here!" "Come on!" "Get out of the way!" "It's still hot!" "Get over here!" "Shut down the laser system!" "Drop the emergency shield!" "Get that platform stabilized!" "MAN 2:" "Where's Jenning?" "WOMAN:" "You get over here now!" "Come on, come on!" "BEVERLY:" "Howard, where are you going?" "Larry, where's Dr. Jenning?" "Carter, come here, let me show you this." "He was pre-activating the laser spectroscope." "Uh-huh." "We lost control again and there was another explosion, and Jenning caught the full force of the blast this time." "Is he all right?" "Where is he?" "You see, the bottom of the spectroscope blew into the wall, and Jenning just..." "Just disappeared." "Excuse me, but is this gonna delay my takeoff?" "Is that..." "Is that it?" "That's unbelievable!" "Yeah." "We brought Howard down the first time, but what if..." "Oh, my God, Larry, what if we've brought down something else this time?" "We're rounding up all the scientists for you in the lab, sir, but I think you'd better take a look at this other thing first." "A thing' Hanson?" "Is that the kind of precise descriptive techniques they're teaching rookies nowadays?" "A thing?" "I want to know what they're doing with Howard." "Excuse me, are you in charge here?" "Yeah, why?" "Well, I want to know why they're harassing Howard." "Who's Howard?" "He had nothing to do with it." "Howard is just an innocent, um..." "Thing?" "No." "Duck." "Just an innocent duck?" "And they wonder why I'm asking for early retirement." "You deal with this." "Wait a second." "You can't..." "Kirby." "You got a thing in here?" "Uh, thing." "Mmm-hmm." "I've had enough." "I want to see my lawyer." "(LAUGHING)" "I've got rights, you know." "I'm suing." "Yeah." "God damn it, Hanson, get in here and get this frigging duck suit off this nut." "Sir." "Uh-oh." "All right, get a hold of him." "Hey!" "Hey, let me go, you big gorillas!" "HOWARD:" "On my planet, we never say die, we say..." "Not my shorts!" "Find that damn zipper!" "You perverts!" "Uh, lieutenant..." "Lieutenant, there's no zipper!" "There's no buttons, no Velcro, sir." "I think the suspect's duckness is, like, inborn, sir." "I think he's for real." "HOWARD:" "If your goons are finished..." "Let go!" "Ow, ow!" "I'd like a word with those so-called scientists out there." "Oh, yeah?" "What about?" "About when they can rev up that machine and send me back home." "Listen, Howard, I'm gonna go talk to the scientists out there." "You are gonna go play sitting duck in a jail cell." "Lieutenant, what's the charge, sir?" "Illegal alien." "Come on!" "I'll get the car." "All right." "Oh, a cigar!" "(EXCLAIMS) All right, that's how it starts, police brutality!" "Hey, stop manhandling him!" "Hey, you can't come in here." "Ah." "Here's another one, already lit." "Oh, nuts!" "I dropped my cigar!" "Fire!" "Fire." "Oh, jeez, that's all I need." "So long, Copper!" "(GROWLS)" "Desperate ducks commit desperate acts." "Freeze!" "Book him, Ducko." "Give her the keys to the cuffs, flatfoot." "(COCKING sun) Yeah." "(EXHALES)" "What are you doing here tonight?" "You got no ID." "Lieutenant!" "What?" "The duck got away." "Ah!" "Get up, fool." "Get him out of here." "POLICEMAN:" "Over here, on the double!" "Okay, I want this guy." "The suspect is 3'1" tall." "'3'2", thank you." "You heard me." "He's armed." "That means he's got a weapon, right?" "That also means he's dangerous." "Moi?" "Extremely dangerous." "Shoot to kill!" "(BOTH GULP)" "Let's move it out!" "Come on!" "(POLICEMEN SHOUTING)" "MAN:" "Richard, come with me!" "Okay, let's go." "(GASPS)" "No, don't shoot!" "We give up!" "Time out!" "We surrender!" "(GROANS)" "Dr. Jenning?" "What?" "More cops." "Come on, hurry!" "What?" "Get over here, doc!" "Howard." "Howard." "HOWARD:" "What?" "(GROANS)" "The laser spectroscope malfunctioned again." "There was a tremendous explosion, and then I must've blacked out." "Then I suddenly find myself out here!" "They after you?" "Does "shoot to kill" sound serious?" "I'm probably finished, too." "(GROANING)" "These experiments were unauthorized." "They're probably gonna blame me... (GROANS)" "Oh, my God." "You need help." "Howard, maybe we all should get out of here, huh?" "You got a car, doc?" "What's wrong with me?" "There's the back gate." "BEVERLY:" "Good." "There's no cops." "(GRUNTING) I don't have a gate key." "You've got a foot, don't you?" "So step on it!" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "Lieutenant, a car crashed out the back gate headed towards Highway 5!" "All right, get out an all points bulletin right now." "Yes, sir!" "How the hell am I gonna explain a manhunt for a duck?" "It's a duck hunt." "Hanson, please don't." "Don't start." "Please, please." "You've got to understand." "I'm telling you, I saw something!" "Doc, you're in shock from the explosion and you're imagining things!" "Uh-uh." "Watch where you're going, damn it!" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "Listen, an evil has landed." "The world is in great danger." "Yeah, it certainly is when you're out on the highway." "Look out!" "You're gonna get us killed!" "Feels like something inside me, gnawing at my guts." "What's wrong with me?" "Well, what did you have for lunch?" "(TIRES SQUEAL)" "HOWARD:" "Oh, my!" "Oh, my!" "(ALL YELLING)" "(TRUCK HORN BLARING)" "BEVERLY:" "The roads over there!" "(GROANING)" "Come on, give us a break!" "Don't close your eyes!" "The pain." "It's like I'm transforming inside." "I'm afraid I'm about to become something else." "Oh, great!" "Like a sex change or something." "Somethings growing inside me." "It's replicating and superseding all my internal organs." "Well, we'll stop at a bathroom." "(GROANS)" "That monstrous shape I saw!" "(GASPS)" "(HORN HONKING)" "(BEVERLY SCREAMING)" "Jenning!" "It's inside my body!" "This guy's delirious!" "He's not making any sense!" "It's too late!" "The end of the world is coming." "(SINISTER VOICE) And I will be the cause of it!" "Jenning, slow down!" "Steer, you big yo-yo!" "Steer!" "(HOWARD SCREAMING)" "Howard!" "Step on the brake!" "Who, me'?" "No, I'll step on the brake!" "Oh!" "Oh, no!" "White line!" "Wrong lane!" "(ALL YELLING)" "The brake!" "Push, Beverly!" "Push!" "I'm frying!" "(GROANS)" "I'm dead." "(SINISTER VOICE) Yes!" "You are!" "You think that's funny, Jenning?" "I'm not Jenning anymore!" "The transformation is complete!" "I am now someone else." "Try telling that to your insurance company." "I think he needs some coffee." "Come on." "Oh, after you." "Uh-oh." "(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)" "(HUMMING)" "Hmm'?" "Hey!" "Sorry." "This is why I hate the night shift!" "I'm sorry!" "We don't allow pets on the premises." "Hey!" "Have a heart!" "Seeing-eye duck!" "Touching, isn't it?" "(GROWLING) Ah!" "Not so tight!" "What are you doing?" "Falling in love?" "Sit down." "I need a beer bad." "Gotta find a waitress." "Yeah." "(WHISTLES)" "(SIGHS)" "Hey, honey!" "Yo!" "Yeah, I'm coming." "Here she comes." "Wow!" "Your kid's costume is really radical!" "I'll bet he's crazy about" "(GROWLING) it." "Yeah." "I'm very attached to it." "Your dad..." "Sort of in his own space." "What do you think he'd like to eat?" "I no longer need human food." "Mmm-mmm." "WAITRESS:" "I know it's a drag, but you're gonna have to order some food if you want to sit here, so how about the specials on the menu?" "You are about to witness the end of the old world and the birth of the new." "(BOTH SIGHING)" "Hey!" "Is he, like, one of those TV evangelists or something?" "Or something." "I'm gonna kill somebody." "It's okay, Howard." "Why don't we just have three specials and three beers?" "Right." "(GROWLING)" "Poor girl." "Listen!" "Dr. J?" "Yoo-hoo!" "If you can tune back into reality for a second." "I don't understand anything you're talking about." "Mmm-mmm." "All I know is I need that laser machine to get me home." "Is it still working, Jenning?" "Jenning!" "I told you, bird brain, I am not Jenning anymore." "I am now one of the Dark Overlords of the Universe." ""Dark Overlord of the Universe"?" "That must be quite a responsibility." "Tonight, the laser beam hit the Nexus of Sominus." "What is that?" "A suburb of Cleveland?" "(LAUGHING)" "It lies beyond the planets." "It is a region of demons to which we Dark Overlords were exiled eons ago." "I hope you're getting all this." "Howard, what I'm getting is that this man is very, very sick." "Just as you were brought down here accidentally, tonight the laser beam released me from that region of demons and pulled me down into that lab." "Small universe." "During the explosion, I entered Jennings body." "So..." "I have disguised my true form, which would be considered hideous and revolting here." "Mmm-hmm." "Lucky for the people eating." "(SCREAMING)" "You ordered three specials." "What's wrong?" "This will mean the extinction of all existing life forms." "You haven't even tasted it yet." "What do you think?" "I'm into cannibalism or something?" "Hey!" "Are we, like, all in the same discussion here?" "I'll give you a hint, doll." "What's white, ovoid and always reminds me of my birthday?" "I don't know." "The eggs!" "Get 'em out of here!" "Gosh!" "You know..." "Hostility is, like, a psychic boomerang." "I can't believe this planet." "Fried eggs?" "Yuck!" "Just bring the beer!" "Howard!" "Howard!" "(GROWLING LOUDER)" "(BOTH GASPING)" "What happened?" "How the hell did you do that?" "My powers are growing!" "Watch out!" "It is time now." "What's that?" "It is the code key." "It will activate the laser spectroscope when I use it tonight to bring down the other Dark Overlords." "The others?" "Now he's got a whole gang." "Well, screw 'em." "I got dibs on the laser first!" "Give me that code key." "That's my ticket home!" "(SCREAMING)" "HOWARD:" "Look at his hand!" "That's nothing." "Look at his face!" "Yes." "Soon the Dark Overlords will engulf the Earth." "Nothing human will remain here." "Yeah?" "Well, nothing duck's remaining here, either." "Move!" "We're going!" "You'll get the check?" "(GROWLS)" "Hate to eat and run." "Hello there." "Get out of the way." "Hey, look at the talking duck." "Bug off!" "Lord!" "What is that?" "You jackass!" "He's a ventriloquist." "This guy here's doing the talking, and this here's the dummy." "Go ahead." "Say something, dummy." "You might not want to hear what I'll say, bozo." "(LAUGHING)" "Did you make him say that, jerk-off?" "(GROWLING) on!" "Leave him alone." "He was just in an industrial accident." "(BELCHES)" "Take a hike, cowboy!" "You're a dead duck!" "BEVERLY:" "Hey!" "What's this?" "The key to your duckmobile?" "Give me that or you're gonna be sorry." "You better watch out!" "He's a master of quack fu!" "I'll quack fu him!" "Doink!" "Going down!" "HOWARD:" "Come on, Bev, run!" "Oh, nuts!" "Going up!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "I'm sorry!" "(SQUAWKING)" "Howard!" "Howard!" "Quack!" "This one's for you, quacker!" "(WOMEN LAUGHING)" "Good shot!" "Another hungry customer!" "Yeah!" "You!" "Toro!" "Toro!" "Olé!" "I'm gonna get you, you dumb duck!" "(GROANS)" "Airborne!" "You damn nut!" "Go away!" "Call the police!" "Not the police." "Call somebody else." "They're gonna hurt Howard." "An evil unlike any you can imagine is about to engulf the Earth." "Oh, no, no." "We have fights in here all the time." "HOWARD:" "Come and get it!" "Your orders ready!" "You gonna just sit there?" "She took my eggs." "Oh!" "HOWARD:" "One special!" "Howard!" "Beverly!" "Howard!" "Jenning!" "I could use some help here, buddy!" "Come on!" "Let's get out of here!" "(YELLING)" "(LAUGHING) Yeah!" "Howard!" "MAN:" "You're not getting away now, you stupid little bird!" "HOWARD:" "Now you're ruffling my feathers!" "Put me down, you big hairless ape!" "Put me down right now!" "Put him down!" "Howard may be a duck, but you people are animals!" "He's my boyfriend!" "(ALL GASP)" "(CHUCKLING)" "That's disgusting." "ALL:" "Yeah!" "You're not making me proud to be a human!" "HOWARD:" "Let me just pay the check and I'm out of here!" "(ALL CLAMORING)" "I can't believe you're just sitting here!" "Look what they're doing to Howard!" "(EXHALES DEEPLY)" "Oh, jeez!" "MAN 1:" "Chicken-fried!" "MAN 2:" "Duck!" "HOWARD:" "Where's the SPCA when you need 'em?" "I am not amused!" "MAN:" "I'm gonna barbecue your bill, bird!" "Oh, great duck in heaven, is this the end of Howard?" "There's gonna be more violence!" "I hate violence!" "You gotta go in there and beat 'em up!" "Jenning!" "Jenning!" "Don't just sit there!" "This is serious!" "They're gonna cook me!" "MAN 1:" "Take that!" "MAN 22 Stuff him!" "Any last words?" "Yeah." "Jenning!" "He's my favorite duck." "You hardly know him." "Jenning!" "They're seasoning me!" "Wait." "You better let me up." "You don't want to get my friend angry." "Oh, yeah?" "Why?" "Because he's one of the Dark Overlords of the Universe and he can destroy you and the Earth." "Everything!" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Yeah." "Well, I didn't buy it at first, either." "Look!" "They're laughing at you!" "And they've got Mr. Code Key." "(GROWLING)" "Oh, my God." "One, two..." "Wait a minute!" "Jenning!" "Oh, look!" "I warned you!" "Here he comes!" "(GROWLS)" "(SCREAMING)" "He must have ate the chili." "Release the small waterfowl." "Bring me the code key, Howard." "Right." "The code key." "You heard him." "Cut me loose." "Sounds like a bunch of bullpucky to me!" "Oh, my God!" "(GROANS)" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "Yikes!" "Oh, my God!" "(CACKLING)" "Are you okay, Howard?" "(IN FALSETTO VOICE) Yes." "Enough of this crap!" "You!" "Out of here!" "If you can't take the heal, get out of that kitchen!" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "Where's the code key?" "It's closing time!" "HOWARD:" "The code key!" "It's not nice to fool with a Dark Overlord." "MAN 1:" "Let me out!" "MAN 2:" "Let me out of here!" "They get the point, Jenning!" "MAN:" "Move!" "Get out of the way!" "(SCREAMING)" "Now's our chance." "Yeah." "Come on." "This way." "Cut it out, Howard." "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "(GASPS)" "Going somewhere?" "Yeah." "Without you." "(CLICKS TONGUE)" "(GASPS) Hey!" "Move the table out of the way!" "BEVERLY: (GRUNTING) Oh, God, it's stuck!" "Uh-oh." "What's wrong?" "(MOANING)" "Howard, get down from there!" "Like I'm doing this on purpose!" "Give me the code key!" "Oh, yeah?" "What if I don't?" "Ouch!" "Can't you take a joke?" "Jeez!" "You broke my head!" "(SCREAMING)" "I will now bring down the other Dark Overlords." "Hey!" "What about me?" "Oh!" "You filthy scum bucket!" "(SHRIEKS)" "(GROANING)" "Howard!" "No!" "Beverly!" "Beverly!" "No!" "Look out!" "You killed him!" "You killed him!" "Beverly!" "I'll find you." "I need your body!" "Creep!" "I've heard that one before!" "The Dark Overlords cannot exist on this planet unless they grow inside a human body." "Oh, God." "No." "(SQUEALING)" "I hurt!" "Need energy!" "Watch out!" "More energy!" "(YELLING)" "(SCREAMING)" "That's the grossest!" "I'm gonna puke!" "(SNARLING)" "Oh, God!" "(GAGGING)" "(CHATTERING ON POLICE RADIO)" "WAITRESS:" "All this I explained to the first officer..." "There was this big guy and this girl and this little kid." "At least, I thought it was a little kid." "Uh-huh." "Then I flashed on reality, right?" "Bam!" "Halloween's not till next month." "I know my rights!" "Where's my baseball cap?" "POLICEMAN:" "Shut up!" "Fascist!" "Oh." "No handle." "(SIGHS)" "HOWARD:" "Philsie!" "Philsie!" "Philsie!" "It's me!" "(WHISPERING) Howard!" "Howard, I got arrested at the plant." "I'm gonna have a criminal record." "Ah." "Jenning kidnapped Beverly." "He's taking her back to that science lab." "What?" "Why?" "He's some kind of monster." "He's gonna bring down more of his buddies." "He's got big plans, like taking over Earth." "Philsie, we gotta get out of here." "Howard.." " This door doesn't have any handles." "Get a rock or something, break this window." "Rock?" "Window." "Let me try the door first." "(GRUNTING)" "Oh." "How are we getting out of here?" "Come on." "Philsie, where are we going?" "Hey, over here!" "It'll be dawn soon." "HOWARD:" "Hey, let's steal a cop car." "Don't you think that'd be a little conspicuous?" "Hitchhike." "Cab." "What is that?" "Huh?" "Jeez!" "It looks like an airplane." "Well, it will be." "We can put it together in no time." "Somebody's weekend hobby is gonna get us back to that lab." "Hey, we've got a saying on my planet, if God intended us to fly, he wouldn't have taken away our wings." "That's really profound, Howard." "Could you find the tool box?" "Yeah." "I know why you want a tool box." "You got a screw loose." "(SNARLING)" "Power." "(CHUCKLES)" "Oh, no." "(SNARLS)" "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "(ROARING)" "They just spotted the duck and the kid." "Where?" "Behind the warehouse next door." "They're about to take off." "What do you mean, take off?" "(SIRENS BLARING)" "It's not doing anything." "Cops!" "(GRUNTS)" "Throttle!" "Push forward on the throttle!" "Okay." "Yeah." "Full throttle!" "Full throttle!" "Cops, Philsie!" "180, Howard!" "Right!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Run away!" "(ALL SHOUTING)" "There's cops everywhere!" "No!" "in the air, Howard!" "Up!" "Up!" "HOWARD:" "Look out!" "(ALL SHOUTING)" "Prepare for takeoff!" "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "Whoa!" "No!" "No!" "(SHRIEKING)" "Follow them." "Bring them down and bring them back!" "I want that duck dead or alive." "It's south-southwest, Howard!" "What?" "That way!" "Stay low!" "Beverly' I'm coming to get you, sweetheart!" "(EXCLAIMING)" "Help me!" "Help!" "Somebody help me!" "Please help me!" "MAN:" "Please watch your step." "I think you're all gonna find this very interesting." "You know, honestly, Congressmen, this Three Mile Island, China syndrome meltdown stuff, that's all history." "The only meltdowns around here are the cheese sandwiches in the toaster oven." "(SNARLS)" "Wow!" "These Washington guys take a real beating on these junkets." "Our nuclear reactor, pumping out 1 million kilowatts of power." "One million kilowatts." "Power." "Yes, sir." "Listen, I think we could all use a cup of coffee." "Help!" "Somebody help me, please!" "Help!" "(SNARLING)" "(ALARM BLARING)" "Let's go, let's go." "Come on, come on, come on!" "(MEN CLAMORING)" "(SCREAMS)" "I feel much better." "(WHIMPERING)" "No, no, not that!" "Right pedal!" "Right pedal!" "(SCREAMS)" "Damn it!" "That was too close!" "I'm just learning, here." "Howard, in prehistoric times, you flew." "Fly, Howard!" "Find your instincts." "Trust your birdness!" "Fly!" "HOWARD:" "Yikes!" "Howard, pull up!" "Pull up!" "(HOWARD EXCLAIMING)" "Touchdown!" "Great landing, Howard, but this isn't gonna get us to the lab." "You said to follow my instincts." "This is my nesting instinct." "(HORN HONKING)" "Oh, no!" "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "I'm flying blind here!" "Shut up!" "You're not flying at all!" "Let her rip!" "Bombs away!" "Pull it up, Howard!" "We're running out of land!" "Oh!" "One step ahead!" "PHIL:" "Watch out!" "(BLOWING DUCK CALLS)" "(ALL SHOUTING)" "Death from the skies to all duck hunters!" "Tora!" "Tora!" "Tora!" "Vengeance is mine!" "Yeah!" "Howard!" "Banzai!" "(DUCK QUACKING)" "Slow down!" "Slow down there!" "Hey, you!" "Pull over here!" "This is a smog device inspection." "And I need..." "Shut off the engine!" "It is off!" "Somebody's pushing." "(ENGINE REVVING)" "Whiplash!" "Whiplash!" "I'm gonna call my lawyer!" "Shut it down!" "Shut it down!" "What the hell's wrong with you'?" "No... (SNARLS)" "I want to see your license, Jack." "I have no license." "I am not Jack." "(SCREAMING)" "MAN:" "Come on, come on!" "Get out of here!" "Smog inspection." "(WHIMPERS)" "(LAUGHS)" "What happened?" "We gotta get out of here!" "Damage report, Philsie." "Fuel hose is busted!" "Rudder is wasted!" "Basically, we're dying here, Howard." "I'm bailing out." "No, you're not!" "You're gonna get up there and fix this lawn mower now!" "Philsie, how's it going?" "Getting close!" "I'm on top of it!" "Good." "(GASPS)" "Relax, Howard." "I've almost got it." "(ENGINE BUZZES)" "(SCREAMS)" "Uh-oh." "(LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)" "Philsie, I did a loop-the-loop!" "I'm getting good at this!" "I'm..." "Hello?" "Howard!" "Huh?" "Up, Howard!" "Up!" "Aw, jeez!" "I thought I lost you." "Philsie, this is no time for water sports." "(LAUGHING) I'm just kidding, big guy." "(GROWLS)" "(SCREAMING)" "You scum, let me go!" "(PHIL SCREAMING)" "Philsie, get back up here!" "I'm frying!" "No!" "No!" "Don't shoot!" "I'm an innocent hostage!" "The duck's a lunatic!" "What?" "He's a duck terrorist!" "He hijacked the plane!" "Whoa!" "(HORN HONKS)" "Ahh!" "Howard, pull it up!" "Welcome back, Philsie!" "Thanks!" "It's great to be back, Howard!" "Would you watch the road, damn it'?" "(LAUGHS) Hey, another car." "No big deal." "Yes!" "Big deal!" "Big, big, big, big, big..." "Choc-choc!" "Big deal!" "No wings." "Welcome to the club!" "Coming through!" "That was a lot of fun." "I'd like to get off now." "(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) Slow down." "(HUMMING)" "Slow down!" "Relax." "I'll just throttle this baby back." "Yikes!" "Philsie, I'd better tell you now." "What?" "I can't swim!" "PHIL:" "Oh, great!" "Philsie, help!" "(COUGHS) Philsie, help me!" "I never heard of a duck that couldn't swim." "Shut up and save me!" "PHIL:" "We've been through hell!" "Now, if there is some kind of monster in here..." "Howard, this is crazy!" "Phil, no duck is an island." "And if fate sent me here to save Earth, then Howard the duck is ready to fight." "Damn." "(BEVERLY STRUGGLING)" "PHIL:" "Yikes." "He's starting the spectroscope." "Jeez." "He's gonna bring down another Dark Overlord." "We gotta get Beverly out of there." "Hey, take it easy, Conan." "What are you gonna fight him with'?" "We gotta find some kind of..." "Wait." "Carter showed me something here once that might do it, if we can find it." "You'll never get away with this." "(SNARLS)" "We'll find it!" "Come on, Philsie." "You don't scare me!" "Oh!" "Wait." "Defense research!" "This is it!" "This is it!" "This is locked!" "(ALARM BLARES)" "Okay, I know where it is." "It's on the right or the left or the..." "Ah!" "There it is." "The neutron disintegrator." "Hmm..." "And a big lock." "Rats." "Okay." "All right." "Turn me into a Dark Overlord." "I'll still spit in your wormy face." "(CHUCKLES)" "(BEEPING)" "COMPUTER VOICE:" "Welcome to Dynatechnics." "Authorized personnel only." "Please insert code key." "Authorized personnel only." "Thank you." "Hello, Dr. Jenning." "Please select your target and enter target coordinates." "Thank you." "Laser spectroscope is now targeting the Nexus of Sominus." "Targeting is in process." "(CACKLING)" "(GRUNTING)" "Come on, Philsie." "Hit it harder!" "Way to go!" "Yeah!" "Hurry up." "The neutron disintegrator was developed for the army until cost over-runs became really embarrassing." "Can it stop Jenning?" "Theoretically, yes." "Unfortunately, it's never been tested." "COMPUTER VOICE:" "Attention all personnel, please clear the upper bay stations while laser doors ave opening;." "Please initiate spectroscope extension." "(BEEPING)" "Target is now locked." "Target is now locked." "Is this, like, stick shift or automatic?" "Howard, you have to get into firing range without him seeing you." "Right." "I'll sneak up on him, and then I'll blast him." "COMPUTER VOICE:" "Do you wish to bring the laser to full power?" "Dr. Jenning, I repeat, do you wish to bring the lase:" "To full power?" "Thank you." "What's this do?" "No!" "That's..." "Howard!" "You're in big trouble now!" "Yeah, shut up!" "Uh... (BOTH SCREAMING)" "BEVERLY:" "Run, Howard!" "He's in a bad mood!" "(JENNING GROWLS LOUDLY)" "Come on!" "Move!" "Let's crank her up!" "Hurry!" "Where's that button?" "It won't start!" "Oh, my God." "Ahh!" "Watch out!" "Jump, Howard!" "This is our only chance!" "Get out of there!" "Duck!" "And proud of it!" "(LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)" "(SNARLING)" "Philsie?" "You saved my life!" "Are you all right?" "Terrific, Howard." "It still won't start." "Try the seatbelt, Howard." "Seatbelt?" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "(SHOUTS FOREIGN WAR CRY)" "You little pond-hopper." "(SHRIEKING)" "Go, Howard!" "Go!" "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "Oh!" "Talk about bad breath!" "Turbo charge!" "(LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY)" "(SIGHS)" "(SCOFFING)" "Whoa!" "Now it's my turn." "(MACHINE POWERS UP)" "(CHUCKLES)" "Dark Overlord, I want you!" "Prepare to eat beak." "(WHIMPERS)" "(GROWLS)" "So long, sucker!" "Howard!" "No!" "(MOANS)" "Howard?" "(WHIMPERS)" "Howard?" "HOWARD: (GROANING) on, boy. on..." "Howard." "Howard!" "You all right?" "I need this like I need another tail." "You did it!" "Hey, get me down from here!" "Come on!" "(JENNING MOANING)" "Oh!" "Dr. Jenning?" "Howard, it's not..." "It's not what?" "The evil's not inside me anymore." "The explosion must've released it, and it's loose!" "What about me?" "The Dark Overlord is still here!" "Well, then I suggest we get Beverly and get the hell out of here!" "HOWARD:" "Philsie, get her down from there!" "What took you so long?" "Oh, nothing." "Just got arrested, shot at, handcuffed." "I got thrown out.-. I was kidnapped, strapped to this table... (GROWLING)" "Guys!" "Guys!" "In a cigarette lighter!" "Cigarette lighter?" "That's really disgusting!" "Guys!" "BOTH:" "What?" "(WHIMPERING)" "(SNARLING)" "(SCREAMS)" "Oh, my God." "(ROARING)" "Phil!" "Phil!" "Get up!" "Get up!" "It's coming!" "It's coming?" "I was just resting." "Look!" "There will be no escape!" "(LOUD SHRIEK)" "Good boy." "Stay back!" "Stay back!" "Oh, boy!" "Oh!" "(YELLING)" "Howard!" "There goes Howard!" "We've got to help Howard!" "Phil!" "Go!" "We've gotta help Howard!" "Howard!" "Going somewhere, Howard?" "There's no escape!" "Philsie!" "Dr. Jenning!" "Mother!" "COMPUTER VOICE:" "Do you wish to activate laser?" "Yes!" "Thank you, Dr. Jenning." "He started the activation sequence!" "BEVERLY:" "He's gonna bring down more of them!" "You may five when ready." "Four minutes to arrival." "(SHRIEKING)" "(BOTH SCREAM)" "(GROANING) Philsie!" "Beverly!" "Anybody!" "Help!" "COMPUTER VOICE:" "Three minutes, 20 seconds to arrival." "Howard!" "Here!" "All right..." "Sliced salami!" "HOWARD:" "Yuck!" "(MOANS LOUDLY)" "(LAUGHING) Lose something?" "COMPUTER VOICE:" "Alien specimens will arrive in laboratory in three minutes." "Howard!" "All right!" "(HOWARD LAUGHING)" "Eat claw, duck!" "COMPUTER VOICE:" "Two minutes to arrival." "Belt." "Button." "Trigger." "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "One minute, 30 seconds to arrival." "Puny little duck!" "Yeah!" "(IMITATES TARZAN)" "One minute to arrival." "Howard!" "(DISTANT GROWLING)" "There's more coming down." "(GROANS)" "The machine, Howard!" "You gotta destroy it!" "Blast it!" "Get them!" "No, Howard." "Don't!" "Huh?" "You'll never get home." "COMPUTER VOICE:" "30 seconds to arrival." "Get them!" "Goodbye, Duckworld." "Get out of there!" "Run!" "COMPUTER VOICE:" "Ten seconds and counting to arrival." "Over here!" "Nine, eight, seven, six, five, (our, three, two, one." "Arrival." "(SCREAMS)" "PHIL:" "Howard!" "BEVERLY:" "Oh, no." "I don't know where you are now, but I hope you're happier there." "This world didn't treat you very good." "But you saved it, didn't you?" "(MOANING)" "Howard!" "(SINISTER VOICE) I am not Howard anymore." "(BOTH GASPING)" "(RASPY GROAN)" "(SCREAMS)" "(COUGHING)" "Jeez!" "All this smoke." "Murder on the sinuses." "(COUGHING)" "Fooled you, didn't I?" "(CHUCKLES)" "(CHUCKLES)" "Howard." "It's all right, toots." "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "[Well, a]!" "right!" "Yd like to dedicate this song to our new manager!" "Uh-huh!" "Go!" "(SINGING) Get that planet on the phone ain't no time to waste" "Tell 'em he ain't coming home" "Done joined the human race" "They call him Howard the duck" "No way to conceal it" "With a feathered touch I love him apart" "They call him Howard the duck" "If it ain't funk he don't feel it" "And he shot an arrow straight to my head" "All right, ready mechanical." "We're gonna release the big huevo." "Cue egg, read!" "Cue egg, go!" "Saved the human race" "They call him Howard the duck" "Howard!" "Howard!" "Help me out!" "Release that rope there." "Gotcha." "Not that one!" "Whoa!" "Philsie, what's going on?" "Get me down from here!" "I've done enough flying, Philsie!" "Stole my heart" "Philsie!" "Do you realize I could have been killed up there?" "What's this?" "Rock 'n' roll!" "Give me four!" "(LAUGHS)" "Yeah!" "Beak me, baby!" "Quack!" "ls that hot enough for you?" "Howard the duck" "If it ain't funk he don't feel it" "HOWARD:" "Bring it on home!" "He's Howard the duck" "Ain't no way is conceal it" "Bit of Purple Haze for you all!" "Yeah!" "Do it!" "He's called Howard the duck" "If it isn't funk he don't feel it" "Right!" "Yeah!" "(WOMEN SCREAMING)" "Howard the duck" "That's me!" "Ain't no way is conceal it" "He shot an arrow straight to my heart" "HOWARD:" "Thank you!" "Thank you!" "CROWD:" "Howard!" "Howard!" "Howard!" "We love you!" "Thank you!" "We love you!" "(GIGGLES)" "Not bad for a duck from outer space." "You were great, Ducky."