"[street noises fade in]" "[PETRA] Elena." "I had a dream about you last night." "You were soft." "Walking the streets of New York in a silk blouse." "I try to get close... touch you... to feel your smell." "But when I look, you're on top of a wall, entangled in a mesh of electric wires." "I look again and it's me who's on top of the wall." "I touch the wires, trying to get a shock." "and I fall off the wall from very high and die." "*Dedicated to the One I Love" "[PETRA] Our mother always told me that I could live anywhere in the world." "Except New York." "That I could choose any profession except acting." "On September 4th 2003," "I started studying Theatre at Columbia University." "They wanted me to forget you, Elena." "But I returned to New York, hoping to find you in the streets." "I bring with me everything you left in Brazil." "Your videos, pictures, diaries... letters on tape because you were always embarrassed of your handwriting and preferred recording your impressions of the days here to send us." "Today I walked through the city listening to your voice and I identify so much with your words that I start loosing myself in you." "[WOMAN] How old are you?" "20." "[WOMAN] 20?" "And how tall are you?" "five nine and a half." "[WOMAN] You were born in Brazil?" "I was born in Brazil, and I've been here almost a year and a half now." "[WOMAN] What brought you to come to the United States?" "I was doing theatre there since I was 14 years old and then... the possibilities in Brazil are like, either you continue doing theatre which, I mean, there are very few productions, or you do soaps." "I was invited to do one..." "I mean after a while I was in theatre, but I don't really like it." "[WOMAN] You wanted to do other things?" "Films." "And in Brazil, it's like, almost none!" "Especially now that the system changed there." "It's like, 1 movie a year at best." "[WOMAN] Do your parents get you involved in this business at all?" "No." "My mom is a journalist and sociologist, she writes for the newspaper there and my father's a politician." "He lives in Brazil as well." "*soft music" "[PETRA] Actually, our father always said that we inherited this dream of making films from our mother." "and in the middle of your videotapes," "I found this film that she never showed me." "It's a silent film where she plays the lead." "From the time she still dreamed of being a hollywood star and kissing Frank Sinatra." "This made her feel like a woman." "And helped her escape from a world where she felt out of place... misunderstood." "The daughter of a traditional family from Minas Gerais, she could see no place for herself except in marriage." "A society lady." "One day, sitting in front of the mirror in her dresser room, she makes a drawing." "The drawing of her sadness and decides she has until her 16th birthday to find meaning to her life." "And she finds our father." "A Brazilian who just arrived from the country she dreams of in films and songs," "but who comes back from New York not as a Sinatra, but as a Che Guevera" "carrying in his pockets books by Marx, and the desire to start a revolution." "And overnight, our mother leaves the Catholic school, sells her TV, her hair, and jumps into the street demonstrations." "Together they joined the Communist Party ready to be sent off the gurrila warfare in Araguaia." "But when the leaders see her 6 month belly, they don't let them go." "Almost all the young people that go end up executed by the military." "It was you in our mother's belly who saved our parents lives." "And in the middle of this turmoil you were born and raised in hiding, never allowed to tell anyone where you lived." "I wonder how this time stayed in your memory." "In your body." "The first images I find of you you just turned 13 and got this camera as a present." "It was when I was born, in the 80s, the time of the amnesty." "Our family exited clandenistity and seemed to enter an american commercial from the 50s." "And you start to dance." "Dance... *intense piano music" "My mother said that since you were 4 you knew you wanted to be an actress." "And it seems you always found a way of putting me in the picture." "*upbeat music" "[PETRA] You showed me all the Sherly Temple movies and trained me to become an actress." "First, you teach me how to sing." "[PETRA] You spend the afternoons directing me acting, creating scenes." "[doorbell]" "[PETRA] I remember watching this scene where you killed my Nanny" "and I had so many nightmares of this." "*Dedicated To The One I Love" "[PETRA] When you turned 15 our parents separated and you stopped filming." "And little by little," "I feel you becoming distant." "I look for you." "You stopped playing theatre with me to become a real actress." "And when you're 17 you join the Flying Bull Theatre Group." "[PETRA] The other actors tell me you practiced non-stop." "Obsessively." "That even when everything seemed perfect for you it was never good enough." "Something was always missing." "*fast music" "But you're not satisfied." "You want more." "You say you want to be a film actress." "[children singing]" "And on my birthday you took me by the hand" "led me up these stairs" "came into this room" "closed the door and said:" "[PETRA] You put the shell over my ear and I hear the ocean." "[ocean waves fade in]" "You were right." "7 was my worst age." "*fiddle music" "[PETRA] You take your photos to several film companies and get to do some auditions." "You leave this interview excited but the days pass and there's no news." "No one calls you back." "You call them many times and they tell you to wait." "You can't stand this time." "This waiting." "[subway noises]" "[PETRA] I'm still 7 and you come back thinking that here in Brazil your roots will find more space to grow." "[PETRA] But a letter arrives saying you were accepted to a university in New York." "And our mom decides that this time we'll go the 3 of us." "Together." "So we won't be so alone." "You get on the plane showing me how everything works how it flies." "But in an instant, you start crying." "It's your ears that hurt." "I feel strange seeing my big sister crying." "You argue with my mother," "There is anger in your crying." "Such deep, forceful crying." "*soft piano music" "[PETRA] I don't like the first months in New York." "Olinda doesn't take care of me anymore and I hate it." "I hate learning English." "The school" "The teacher with her tiger skirt." "And the cold." "When I get home" "I do 2 small rituals:" "I scratch my wrists with a serated knife till there really red and I put a bandaid on my forehead." "You see me, and pull me into the bathroom." "Serious, you say:" "Petra, be a good actress." "If you want to draw attention, do it right." "Nobody's going to believe in this bandaid in the middle of your forehead." "Hide it a bit under your bangs and it will be much more convincing." "At that time I didn't believe in God or in Santa Clause." "But I believed in mermaids." "They seemed as possible to me as the seahorses I saw in the aquarium." "You take me to watch "The Little Mermaid"" "in the cinema near our house and on this day, you start playing theatre with me again and we come back singing and feeling like her, underwater." "Dreaming of changing skins." "Then, you read me the original story where the Little Mermaid suffers to be come a woman, loses her voice and dies." "What do you mean, she dies?" "I feel betrayed." "I ask to sleep with you." "What's left of this memory is this dance we created together." "[PETRA] The Little Mermaid accepts the pain of a knife cutting into her body" "bleeding her body to get legs and be able to dance." "[PETRA] One afternoon" "I bring a friend home." "My first new friend after months." "I start showing her our house." "The living room, the bedroom, until we come to yours." "I knock on the door and come in with the girl." "You're all covered up only your face is showing." "Your eyes are red." "Maybe you said something from your bed," "I don't remember." "All I remember is that when we left the room, my friend with an anxious look asked me what was wrong with you." "She's like that, I answered." "She's like that." "[PETRA] Our mother spends hours looking for you in the streets, desperate." "but after some time, you come back." "she takes you to a psychiatrist and you start being treated with lithium." "[PETRA] You wake me up in the morning." "You're sad, I don't like it." "Your sadness." "I remember it's the day of show and tell and it's my turn to take something to show and tell to my class." "You go to your room, you come back with a blue stuffed dog." "You explain that it has special powers and that whenever I really wanted something" "I just had to close my eyes, make a wish, shake the little dog, and my wish will come true." "When it's time for show and tell the children form a circle and my turn comes to explain what the dog's about." "It shakes, and has sad eyes." "And the children ask:" "but doesn't it play music?" "Doesn't it do anything else?" "No." "It only shakes and has sad eyes." "You stay home." "All day long at home alone." "Doing what?" "Talking to whom?" "At the end of the day, a friend calls you." "You were supposed to meet." "I've been imagining this person for 20 years." "What did you say to him?" "What did he do?" "[MAN] This one weekend that we had planned on her coming to see the show I was doing," "I called her late in the day." "She didn't sound good." "So I said 'Elena, I'll come and get you, we'll go out for a drink, we'll go out for a coffee or whatever it is you like to do" "I'll come get you.'" "She was hysterical over the phone." "She was like 'I don't want you to see me like this' and 'I'm not doing so well' and I said 'No, Elena, it's OK" "it's not a problem, I'll come and get you!" "Please let me come and get you," "I'll jump in a cab and I'll come and I'll get you!" "' and she said 'No no, Michael please," "I don't want to see you, I feel bad," "I feel terrible and I don't...'" "I said 'I'm coming to get you.'" "So I jumped in a cab with my roommate and rang the bell, rang the bell, rang the bell..." "She wasn't answering." "and then I ran to the corner to a pay phone and I called her, and I kept calling and calling and calling her but the line was busy..." "I was so frustrated, so angry." "I'd been out there for, like, an hour and I didn't know what to do when your mother showed up." "[PETRA] You take a whole bottle of aspirin sit at a desk and write this letter." "[PETRA whispers] This time" "I was not supposed to fight... *soft piano music" "[PETRA] When I got back home" "I saw my mother with such a sad, desperate look I'd never seen before." "Did Elena die?" "I asked." "And she told me it was you." "I found everything so cruel." "[PETRA] In the days that followed my cousin told me that if I waned" "I could keep on talking to you." "That you'd be invisible, but you'd hear me." "I do this." "I talk to you." "[PETRA] After you die, our mother becomes longing." "Always with a sad, distant look." "I ask:" "'what is it mom?" "Are you sad?" "'" "She watches me in silence, tries to smile and says" "'I'm thinking of Elena.'" "I come close, give her a hug, touch her, just to try to make her smile." "And we repeats this ritual, this talk everyday, many times a day, until I don't even have to ask." "I look at her and know she's thinking of you." "Almost always thinking of you." "Our father, when I ask him about you, he can't speak." "He only looks away in silence." "Psychological report:" "Petra is a 7 years, 6 month old girl who was brought for psychological evaluation by her mother." "The mother indicated that Petra started saying that she wanted to die and has been experiencing nightmares." "There is also evidence of depression, and feelings of guilt." "Petra avoided talking about her sister." "Petra is using defences, which suggest obsessive compulsive tendencies in order to cope with difficult situations." "She is likely to continue using these defences for a while, which permit her to deny admission of her true depression." "I turn 10 and my mother and I decide to spend our vacation at the country home of some friends." "They have a golf cart and I spend my days driving up and down." "One afternoon, going around in circles with the cart," "I realize you'd died forever." "*soft music" "Won't she ever come back again?" "No." "She's dead." "She'll never come again." "I go back to the house and realize my mother can die and think that if I thought this it means she'll really die at any moment that it's a sign and that I have to do everything that I can" "to avoid it." "I start making promises constantly that I won't ever eat salt again, that i'll climb all the stairs to the 19th floor of our appartment on my knees, and that I'll never look at a mirror" "so that she won't die." "I always went into the bathroom with my eyes closed." "Then, like everything, the fear disappeared and you slowly disappeared with it." "Until it's time for university admission exams." "I study a lot, but don't know where to go what path to take." "At the very last moment," "I choose theatre." "But when night comes, I can't sleep." "Not even a minute." "2... 3... 5 days go by" "and I don't sleep." "I start to feel that my brain's going to explode." "Break down." "That a piece will come out of place." "Changing clothes," "I hear myself talking alone." "I look at the mirror and can't see anything behind my eyes." "[PETRA] She convinces me that life's not worth it." "I have to die with her." "I'm afraid." "Afraid of what time is going to do to me." "What's my role..." "What's my role in this film?" "I turn 17... 18..." "And feel as the hours go by" "I get closer to you." "Until on my 21st birthday my mother looks at me and says:" "'Now you're older than Elena.'" "The fear that I'd follow in your steps began to dissipate." "But I kept on finding that you," "Elena, were in me." "A part of me." "I stop feeling this when I started looking for you." "You began taking shape." "A body." "Being re-born a bit, from me." "But to die again..." "And I, much more conscious to feel your death this time." "Immense pleasure, that comes with so much pain." "I drown in you." "In Orphellius." "*soft piano music" "I perform." "I perform our death to find air." "To be able to live." "And little by little," "the pain turns to water." "Becomes memory." "*soft piano music" "Memories go with time." "They fade." "But some finale songs, just bits of relief in the small openings of poetry." "You are my unconsolable memory made of shadow and stone and it is from this that all is born and dances." "*Dedicated To The One I Love"