"A Royal wedding ... and austerity Britain gets a longed-for whiff of glamour as preparations giving the full swing." " That's step, mother." " You didn't say there was a step." " That it's." "For one happy young couple 1947 will be a year to remember." "The official wedding cake seen here on display depicted scenes from the life of the royal couple." "Australian "Girl Guides" provided the ingredients." "Grim faces on Downing Street this week, when nation's fuel crisis continues," "The Government announces a further cut in a bacon ration." "Your weekly bacon ration used to look like this ..." "Now it's going to look like this." "Another blow for the long-suffering British housewife." "This is one person's rations for a week." "Hardly the fat of the land, but at least in England it's fair shares for all." "In France, with no food in the shops, the black market flourishes." "This pretty little mademoiselle seems to be going for a bike ride." "But why the attaché case?" "Careful with the amazon's fallow nylons!" "Taking her bacon here for somebody." "Ah, this is where the attaché case comes in." "Mademoiselle gets her bacon from the black market." "That's right!" "Cover it up!" "We don't want to know!" "It's a rotten business!" "In France, in any rates, money talks." "Go on mother." "Sit on your seat." " Where?" " Go on!" "I'm going up." "Oh, mother!" "Again, Veronica!" "Da capo!" "Mother, are you eating?" "Hoar, Appleyard, Long, Coddington, Jezzard, Ibbotson, Starkey, Mrs R. Jack Palmer." "You're younger than I'd been led to expect ..." "However ..." "Mrs Lockwood says she's a new woman." "Have you a newspaper, Mrs Allardyce?" "This is a good carpet." "Wholesale from Halifax." "Of course it is." " Newspaper, Henry." " It's today's!" "And?" " Dickinson..." " Dickinson." " Just ..." "Give this ..." "Give you some support for your calf." "Ah ..." "Ah ..." " Now ..." " Ah." "My old little man died." "He used to say that a foot told him more than a face." "Well, you've got quite a lot of hard skin ..." "And this is a chilblain." "Are you on your feet a great deal?" "My husband's an accountant." "It's one function after another." "Brierley." "It wants to be a bit select, Henry." "Their daughter was a GI bride." "Only just." "Six months pregnant when I examined her." "She was a Sunday school teacher." "The state of her private parts told a different story." "Henry, this is royalty!" "It's a pure and unspoiled couple." "Goldman?" " Not on my list." " They are very well off!" " Well apart from anything else, Henry, just think what we shall be having to eat." " Oink, oink." "O-o-oh ..." " Not now, Veronica !" " She's got to practise sometime!" "Nylons." "Henry gets them." "Grateful client." "Bad for the feet." "Good for the morale!" "I think we've let some toenail go on the carpet." "Yes, beg pardon." "It's a bit hand-to-mouth, eh ..." " I'll have my own surgery soon." "I've got premises on the Parade." " Oh, on the Parade." "And you're married to Veronica's piano teacher." "Yes, that's it." "You don't wear a ring." " No, a fine and tiny bits of skin and scurf from people's feet tend to collect under it." " Mm." "Still a long way to go with those invites." "Have we anything tasty we could give Dr Swaby for his supper?" "You know what he's like." "Ah!" "Steak?" "Are you not eating that?" "They're marzipan!" "You don't like marzipan." "I hate Mrs Chilvers !" "No, you don't!" "This is Mr Chilvers." " Children!" "You don't have any?" " No." "Very wise!" "Hello!" "..." "Hello!" "..." "Hello!" "Thank you." "Heartbreaking these days, butchering." "Meat rations one and ten pence, what you can do with that?" "His stomach's on a knife edge." "And he's the only one who's straight." "There's two other butchers and they are both on the twist." "He comes in on a night and sits at that table and his face is gray." "You've got some nice thick hair." "Gestapo!" "Blood and sand!" "Not down here, you fool!" "Get it upstairs!" " You!" "Open this door!" " I can't, I'm chiropodist." " This is the police." "Open this door." "It's a funny lock." "Is there somebody at the door?" "One moment." " Upstairs!" " We live upstairs." "The shop is here." " Upstairs!" "Excuse me." "This is my house." " I am on the toilet!" " I can wait." " What happened to the telephone?" " He's a law unto himself." "Father!" "Don't get him excited." "He has trouble with his waterworks." " It's not there." " Come out." "Dear oh dear oh dear oh dear ..." "Put a bit of something under that." "The grease'll go all over your uniform." "Your mom'll play pop." " Mrs Metcalf ..." " What?" " Are you wanting that banana?" " I am, love." "I'm planning a trifle." " Your mom feels cold, Dorcas." " It's not surprising." "She died in 1937." "Can you manage that?" "Oops." "See!" "Downstairs!" "Pork!" "In bed!" "They need horsewhipping." "We never saw any of it." "When did we last have pork?" "And it wasn't clean." "I've seen a cat on that counter." "What d'you think?" "Suppose that now I've got to start looking for another butcher." "Wash it!" "It's probably filthy." "What was this meeting about?" "It's a dinner they are getting up for the Royal wedding." " No need to ask if we were invited." " It's a private partnership." " Anyway, we don't want to be going to dinners." "What do we want to be going to dinners for?" " To meet people that's what for!" "How else are you going to get a movement?" " It's dripping, Gilbert, it's dripping!" " Have I had my tea?" " Eat some of your nougat, love." " She had my sandwiches again today." " She, Gilbert, she?" ""She", as you call her, knitted you a lovely balaclava helmet, but we don't talk about that!" " It doesn't have an opening for my mouth!" " You don't give me my proper rations." "He has my rations." " They're having steak for their supper." " Steak!" "He's going to paint the pork." " We can do that, Mr Wormold." "You've done enough for one day." " No, this is the part that I enjoy." " "Unfit for a human consumption."" " Why?" "Who killed it?" "..." "And where?" "I used to like painting when I was a youngster." "My mother wanted me to be an artist." " What a waste!" " No, no." "No, I'd never have been any good." "Another day?" "Nothing from Kuala Lumpur?" "Mrs Forbes ..." "Your information was correct." "You'll be happy to know an arrest was made and charges are being preferred." " I am waiting." " He's just this minute gone." " O, dear, dear, oh dear ..." "No, no, no, no ..." " No, no, no ..." " What's I've told you:" "I want it prior to painting." " You don't know what he's like." "He's a demon." " It's dog meat, is this!" " Dog meat is that ..." " We did try." " We did." "Oh, blood and sand!" " Dog meat is that ..." " Dog meat be buggered." "Bath." "Bleach." "Brushes." "Get scrubbing!" "Saw another verruca today." "Gone the wrong way again." "They will hack at them with razor blades." "Don't bring feet to the table, please, Gilbert !" "You've to wait till they come to a head!" "Then they're a piece of cake!" "Still ..." "Mrs Roach's ingrowing toenail seems to turn the corner." "Thanked me profusely." "Gave me a macaroon." "A macaroon!" "..." "A macaroon!" " We are better than this, Gilbert." " Better than what?" "Are you not eating your spam?" "Listen, Joyce ... once I am in the new premises on the Parade, it will be different." "They'll be rolling up in their cars, ..." "we'll be going out to functions, ..." "having steak!" "It's not just steak, Gilbert." "It's status!" " How's your steak?" " Just right." " More sprouts, Dr Swaby?" " No." "Poor Mr Metcalf!" "I didn't think he'd go to prison." " You didn't tell me he'd go to prison." " I don't care who goes to prison, as long as it keeps Wormold off my back." "There's no fun in this for me, Douglas." "It's all one-sided." " Doris, you've got a magnificent bum!" " I don't know that word." " Bottom, then." " That either." "What then?" "There isn't a word I do like." "My husband never felt the need to refer to it." " No news?" " Currants, British Guiana." "Dessicated coconut, Ceylon." " What's this?" " The Empire." "Who's sent what for the wedding cake." "Look, Doris!" "Cheek to cheek to cheek." "Oh, you're common, Douglas!" "Why can't you just get on with it." " Wish I had this on my slicer." "Could sell it 15 times over." " Be sharp." "I've Mr Wormold's dinner to get." "Doris, when you see him, just ..." "drop a hint about Barraclough." " I'm fed up doing your dirty work, Douglas!" " Go on!" " Is that green?" " Yes, that's spinach." "You've ate spinach." " So I did." " Did you enjoy it?" "I don't enjoy food, Mrs Forbes." "I have no sense of taste, no sense of smell." "I had German measles as a child." " A little more, Mr Wormold?" " There is no more, Mrs Forbes." " I've eaten my ration." " We're only human, Mr Wormold." "My experience has been, Mrs Forbes, that when people say they're only human it is because they have been making beasts of themselves." "Do you make a beast of yourself, Mrs Forbes?" "My husband's missing in Malaya, Mr Wormold." "I live the life of a widow." " Truly I hope so, Mrs Forbes ..." "I hope so ..." " I'll get your sweet." "Yes, Mrs Forbes?" "I was ... talking to a woman ... who gets her meat from Mr Barraclough." "She says she gets some lovely stuff, only ..." "Only what, Mrs Forbes?" "Now, she's not always sure she's not eating something that's run in the two thirty." "Know what I mean?" " I want this out of the house." "Keep it somewhere else!" " Why?" "He trusts me." "You'll enjoy that." "Come again!" "Next, please!" "They shaved women's heads for this in France." " Right!" "That's it!" "Cease trading!" "Will you all kindly leave the premises!" " Why?" "Horse, madam." "Horse!" " Oh!" " I don't mind!" " Out!" "Everybody out!" "Even if you'd only touch that, madam, and you are an accessory!" " She's 74!" "Horse!" " Out!" "Thank you very much." " Gangway!" "Gangway!" "Gangway!" "Gangway!" "We're hungry!" " It is horsemeat!" " They eat it in Belgium." "We're not in Belgium!" "They ate rats in Stalingrad!" "No question, it's a horse." "These used to be ordinary decent people!" " You see, darling." " Go, ladies, out, please!" "Make way for Inspector." "Should the telephone ring, Dorothy, and I am seeing a client." "On second thoughts ..." " Mr Chivers ..." " Chilvers." " Do you think I've got it in the right place?" " Oh, yes." "Oh, yes." "Best place in town." "Sad about Metcalf." "You'll be the only butcher left soon." "We are all going to watch our step." "Eh ..." "Mr Lockwood!" "Morning, Mr Lockwood." " My lease ready to sign?" " In due course." " No difficulty is there?" " Yes, time, it's in short supply!" "No, I think you are doing the right thing." "I'll send somebody round for her tomorrow." "Tell her she's going to Bridlington." "Grounds there are miraculous." "She'll be very happy." "Wait!" "Dr Swaby!" "..." "Dr Swaby!" " Oh!" " Look out!" " Oh, my parcel!" "..." "Thank you." " Oh!" "Sorry, Dr Swaby, it's you!" " Are we doing wrong, Frank?" " Of course we're doing wrong." "It's a crime." "I've never committed a crime before." "Thought you're an accountant." "Fetched her another ginger nut." "Last week's went down so well." "Ready?" "I had a little contretemps with that new chiropodist." "Why we need chiropodists, I don't know." "Something wrong with their feet, people can come to me!" "They'd always find a sympathetic hearing." "We've come to see our friend." " You want to watch it coming here all together?" "It's me who'll cop it!" " Nonsense, Sutcliff!" " I've come to examine your good lady." " I'm here do draw up your will." " What are you here for?" " How'd you mean?" " What about the paper?" " She eats paper." " She'd eat you!" " No-o-o!" "Betty!" "..." "Betty!" "..." "Where's my Betty?" "Here is my Betty!" "Hello, my little friend!" "Yes, it's your uncle Henry!" " Not much fatter, and it's a bit since we've been." " She'd put on a couple of stone, only she's gone lame." " Lame?" "Oh dear!" "Oh Betty!" " What she's doing, going lame?" " I don't know." "What?" "You should know, the money we pay you." "Get a vet!" " Get a vet?" "You must be barmy!" "That's an unlicensed pig!" " Square him, Sutcliff." "We pay you enough." "Lame!" "Look Betty, just for your poorly foot." "I've got you something." "Gingernut!" "Yes, we like gingernut!" "Yes, there we are!" "She likes those, doesn't she?" "Yes, it's good, isn't it?" "I shall miss her when it comes to the point." "Well, it's coming to the point." "I see he's opening a surgery." "You don't call a flyblown room where you ... cut toenails, a surgery!" " Where?" " On the Parade." "Frank rented him it." " This is a stab in the back." " Well, I had it empty, Charles." "Women's feet, Good God, man!" " Taking the bread out of my mouth." " I didn't think." "You're going to have to think ..." "You have to think of a way of getting him out." " Why?" " I don't like him!" "This?" "A foot fellow." "Go fetch that lame bugger." "Touch of "Tinea pedis" here." "Athlete's foot." " Do women get that?" " There's nothing to worry about." "I hear you were there when the Gestapo arrived." " Gestapo, Mrs Sutcliff?" " Wormold." " Oh!" " I am sorry, he made me jump." " You made him jump, you great puzzock!" "Have you got a moment?" "He's not done me yet, Bern!" "Bernard!" "Bloody hell!" "Here's the culprit!" "..." "Look!" " That must to pain you ... pig." " Bernard!" "Bernard!" "..." "It's Wormold." " I think you've trod in something." " Sod it." "Sometimes, I wonder what the last war was for." "The people." "That was what it was for, Mr Sutcliff." "Fair shares for all." "Sty specifications, swill schedule, slaughtering certificates." "You find one wrong pig on this farm, I'll give you a 100 pound." "If I do, it'll cost you more than that!" "I've seen you before!" " How'd you do." " Yes." "You were there the other evening." " You get about." " I do people's feet." " U-hu." "Maybe you ought to have a look at my feet sometime." "Can you fit me in?" "On we go!" "..." "No rest for the wicked." "Hey!" "Is that skin?" "Put it in pig bucket." "Delicacy!" "You want to save all scraps and peelings and whatnot." "All contributions gratefully received." "How much do we owe you?" " 5 shillings." " Hey!" "Soon earned." "Sharper than farming." " Where's the ham?" " Oh, pissing hell!" "What's happened to the fire?" "Where shall it be today, mother?" "Any preference?" " Where what?" " Our destination!" "I thought we might have a little run into Harrogate." " Joyce..." " What, mother?" "We're in the garage." "I have to breath, mother." "I have to breath!" " Why doesn't he put the wheels on, Joyce?" " Because we've no coupons." "Gilbert cannot get the juice." "I've got a husband who can't get the juice." " I don't do a work of national importance." " Everybody else gets the juice." "Mrs Allardyce gets the juice." "I saw her having a perm yesterday." "Car stood outside." "No doubt, having a perm, is of national importance." " What's you're eating, mother?" " Cream cracker." " Where did you find it ?" " In me cardigan pocket." "Well, get out of the car and eat it." "You know the rules: no crumbs in the car!" "He's missed a bit there, Joyce." "You've missed a bit here, Gilbert." "I never have." "I can see my face in that." "So can I." "Line up yout ration books ready, please." " What can you do for me?" " A nice bit of pork?" " But I've found you a kidney." " Who's this woman behind me?" "Busy this morning." "Of course it will be now the other two are closed down." "The chiropodist's wife." " Veronica's making great strides." " Really?" "How's "The Soldiers' Chorus" coming?" "Keeping the fingers bent?" " Gilbert was telling me you'd like us to save our scraps for your pigs." " Well, yes, if you've got anything to spare." "Only don't give them anything you can eat yourself." " Sorry, hon." "I'm run of me feet." " Oh, no!" "Of course pigs will eat rhubarb leaves." "Here, here." "It's for the pigs!" "And the other." ""Don't give them anything you could eat yourself."" "I'm not having her thinking we just put rubbish in the bin." "We should have one or two maraschino cherries!" "It would show that we had cocktails." "But we don't have cocktails." "I'm carrying you, Gilbert." "Now that, Betty, have you missed me?" "Eh, how's your foot?" "Is it better again?" "It is better again, isn't it?" "You're champion again, aren't you?" "What is it?" "What?" "What is it?" "Now, ginger nut..." "I forgot to give Betty these." "She'd be right downcast!" "This is gingernuts in there." "And she likes those." "So ... could you give them to her as a whole?" "I don't like him to seeing you here." " What?" "Shit!" " Think he might tipple to it?" " Get in!" "Jaunty toenail clipping little sod!" "Biking around!" "Oh don't grin on me, you, festering, bunion scrapping, little pillock!" "I want him out of that shop!" "Frank's got lease type now, it's in the office." "Then what are we waiting for, Henry?" "Let's see if I can find jolly little something?" "Leg of ham suit you?" "I'm going to kill you, pig." "And now take smile off your face." "Are you ..." "Mind how you do, mother?" "They go mad here." " Oh, Gilbert!" "..." " We're in!" " But in where?" " Ham!" "We've joined the club!" " Ham!" " We're on the circuit." " Ham!" " Have a look!" " Ham?" "In the street?" "!" "This is just the beginning." "Listen, why don't we splash out?" "I've got to call at the surgery." "Why, will you go out to the "Grand" and order afternoon tea?" "You'd like that, wouldn't you, mother?" "Hello!" "Look, all this has to stay put." "No, don't do that." "I'll lock up." "Have you finished?" "You haven't finished!" "I have to ask you for the keys to this establishment." " The keys?" "..." "I've got keys." " I know." "I want them." " Here." " He's put his foot on my bonnet!" " You're in breach of agreement." "Failure to declare a change of use." " You're supposed to declare a change of use." " Take your foot off my bonnet!" " You knew ..." "You knew what I wanted it for!" " You need a planning permission." " You can apply for planning permission." " Who would I apply to?" " Me." "You see - this is where I belong, mother." "Put me in a long frock." "Surround me with sophisticated people." "I'd bloom ..." "You should have married a sanitary engineer." "Still, when Gilbert gets his surgery, going on the Parade will be in the forefront of this town." "This is just the beginning." "Ham, eggs ... stuff under the counter ..." "It'll all come!" "You'll see." " It's a bit of scrag end!" " Excuse me, madam!" "Patrons are not permitted to consume their own food on the premises." " What he's carrying?" " Looks like a foot." " That's a foot." " Are you deliberately trying to humiliate me?" " I've got something that'll humiliate you more." " We've been thrown of the Parade." " This town!" "These people!" "They are going to have to be made to sit up and make notice." "They are going to have to be made to realize who we are." "My father had a chain of dry cleaners!" "We regularly used to take wine with the meal as mother well knows." "Telling us what we can and what we cannot do!" "My father wore a carnation in his buttonhole every day of his life." "Gilbert, lend me threepence." "I want a future that will live up to my past." "Only when is it going to start?" "That's what I want to know." "These are having cream cakes!" " Porter!" " No, no, mind you, mother, come on." " Porter, take these bags to the room 321." " She is 74." " "Melon surprise", "Moules Niçoise", "Porc Royale"..." " Oh!" " Breaks your heart." " Listen!" "I've had just about enough." "If you want roast pork, we can have roast pork." "We can have it next Sunday if you want." "And the Sunday after that." "And the Monday and the Tuesday." "You can have pork till you're blue in the face." "You could be fed up of pork. "Porc Royale"!" "And you ..." "You can have bacon, ham, sausage, pork pies, tripe, pig's feet, liver, kidneys." "You can pig yourself on pork if you want, just ..." "Take no notice, oh, my mother." "He's out to torment you!" " I mean it." "We could ..." "We can!" " How?" "How?" "Steal a pig!" " What did you say?" " Nothing ..." "Let's go." " Steal a pig ..." "Veronica!" "Go on in and start your piece!" "Good job I put my foot down about children." " Why bring that up?" " Well, we wouldn't have had room, would we?" "Steal a pig!" "It's not as if there are pigs to steal." "If there were pigs to steal, the butchers would steal them, wouldn't they?" "Oh, it's you all over!" "All talk, promises." "You were going to take this town, Gilbert." "Listen!" "This morning I went up to Sutcliff's farm." "Da capo, Veronica!" "And a little more mezzo forte." " Whose pig is it?" " It'll belong to them at the farm." "Oh, shouldn't have mentioned it!" " It's illegal!" " It wouldn't be illegal!" "Why is it illegal?" "A black market pig's illegal!" " Anyway, we've no means of transport." " We've got the car!" " It's on blocks!" " Well, get it off the blocks!" " And put a pig in it?" ""No crumbs in the car, Gilbert!" "No cake on the seat!"" " A pig in the car!" " Why, I could put some paper down." "This is an emergency!" "No, let's sleep on it." "What's put this into your head, all of a sudden?" "..." "Tomorrow's a working day." " Do you know how to do it?" " Well, I've done that before." " Aye, and a right mess you made of it." " I want to be there." " You can watch." "Only it's not going to be stuck today." "We'll have to wait till it gets better." "Them ..." " Them rats wouldn't have upset it, would they, Preston?" " No, it's had rats before." "It's what I say then." "Rhubarb leaves always means the squits." "You ought to know that, Preston!" "Rhubarb leaves." " I knew it wasn't rats." " Rats!" "You've never been giving her rats?" " No!" "Scraps." " Could you not give her something, Charles?" "You're the doctor." " Thank you." "This is a pig!" "Not a person." "You want a vet." " But the principle must be the same." " How'd you know?" " Take a bit of weight, tough her." "Diarrhea always does." " Now, are you the doctor now?" "I am not a doctor, Charles, but my wife has two topics of conversation." "One is the Royal family, the other is her bowels." " Why not kill it now?" " No!" " I'm not having this joker in my fridge a minute longer than I have to." " I've fetched me tackle ..." "I'll kill it in a day or two." " Oh, the dinner is on Thursday." "All this time ..." "I didn't even know if I'll go!" "Over here!" "..." "Over here!" "This was going to take us to Scarborough." "Scarborough!" "It'll take us further than Scarborough." "It will take us to the top in this town!" "They'll be lining up, wanting to get to know us then." "Dr Swaby, Mrs Allardyce..." "Oh, yes!" "..." "And I'll give them cocktails..." "And we'll nibble at those refined little sausages before going in to sumptuous meal." "It's not just pork, Gilbert, it's power!" "Better get her out of the way." "Wake up, mother." "It's time you were in bed." "No, no, mother, no." "Naughty!" "Goodbye !" "..." "Good luck!" "When did you start all this kissing?" " Gilbert!" "..." "Gilbert!" " What?" " I hope it's a clean one." "Is the sweep coming?" "You ought to go and see how that pig is going on, Preston." "We are going to go for a little walk, pig." "Look ..." "Over here ..." "Yes ..." "Yes, pig ..." "Yes, pig ..." "Come on ..." "Come on, pig ..." "Yes!" "Come on ..." "Come on ..." "Come on   high overtime ..." "I miss the war." "Go on, Preston!" "You reckon to be I/C (In Charge?" ") pig." "Preston!" "It's off its paper, Gilbert!" "It's off its paper!" " It won't know to stay on it." " Well, fetch, fetch some more paper, then." "Oh, Gilbert, Gilbert, quick!" "Quick, it's doing its business!" "It's a nervous pig." " Oh!" " Oh!" " Oh shit!" "I don't want my mother smelling it." "Oh, oh!" "I cannot, cannot stand it." " Oh, you have to do with it now." " What?" " Kill it!" " I had a mind to do it in the kitchen." " I hadn't." " I wanted to call it something." " Why?" "Why?" "Why, you're going to kill it, Gilbert." "You're going to slit its throat." " Couldn't you get fond of it?" " I could not, messing all up and down." " Your mother does." "I didn't hear that, Gilbert." "Oh, I can't stand this!" "Look at the floor!" "Oh, I was quite right not to want kiddies, if this is what it's like." " Oh, kill it, Gilbert!" " I've never killed anything in my life." " You should've thought about that before!" " Whose idea was it?" " Yours." "Who did you think was going to kill it?" " I thought I could ask somebody." " Ask somebody?" "Ask?" "This is a crime!" "But what do I do it with?" " Oh, with one of your feet knives." "They're precision tools." " Not for pigs." "Listen, Gilbert Chilvers!" "This country has just emerged from a second world war, a war when millions of people died, most of them killed by their fellow men." " Not with chiropodist tools." " It's not the tools, it's the will." "It's doing its business again!" "Oh, trust you to pick one with diarrhea!" "Strange place, strange people." "You can understand it." "We ought to let it settle down." "Settle down!" "?" "Kill it!" "With this?" " Joyce!" " What?" " Can you smell a smell?" "I can smell a smell?" " No, there's no smell, mother." "No, you're imagining things." " I wondered if it was me." " I can't do it." " It's him!" "He smells, Joyce!" " He does not smell, mother." "Go to bed!" " He does smell, Joyce." "Oh, my God!" " That bowl was a wedding present!" " Well, it's not to know that." "Another parcel in the umbrella stand." "Maybe we could put it to sleep." "Here we are!" "Here we are!" "This way!" "Come on." "This way!" "Here we are." "This way." "Come on." "Oh!" "Nice." "Nice!" "Isn't that one nice." "Come on." "Joyce !" " What?" " I think it's gas." " No, no." " I can smell gas." " Go to bed!" " It's past your bedtime." "Mr Turnbull thought he could smell gas." "It's Mother." "She turned it on and never lit it." "She's getting like that." "Ah ..." "So long as we know." "You ..." "You don't think it could smell something besides?" "I ..." "I don't know." "A bit ... of a sickly smell." "It's mother again." "She's had a bit of a do with her tummy." " Keeps bringing stuff back." " Oh ..." "Bless her." "Did he go off?" " Could we poison it?" " If we poison it, we can't eat it." " I think we would have to take professional advice." " What about?" "Me?" " Joyce!" " What?" " You don't go calling Dr Swaby?" "He'll put me away." " We're going to have to tell her." "Come down, mother." " You just told me to go up." " No, come down, mother!" " I can still smell that smell." " Never mind, never mind the smell, mother." "Sit down!" "I've got something to tell you." " Sure it's not me?" " No, no, mother, love, no, it's not you." "Listen, mother, love." "I've got something to tell you." "We've got a pig in the house." "Do you understand, mother?" "A pig!" " What sort of the pig?" " A pig, mother, a proper pig." " Do you want to put me in a home?" " Oh!" " Shut up!" " I didn't say anything." " Dr Swaby put Mrs Beevers away." "He asked her the name of the prime minister, she didn't know and he carted her off to Low Moor." "He wants my room!" "We don't want your room." "Why to say there's pig in the house mean we want your room?" "Leave this to me please, Gilbert." "This is my mother!" "It's not like Mrs Beevers, love." "Mrs Beevers imagined things." "That's why Dr Swaby sent her away." "You don't imagine things." "It's just there's a pig in the house." "It's so's if you catch a glimpse of it, you won't think you're going bananas." " Though she is going bananas." " No, she wouldn't think she was going bananas if you pulled your socks up and slit it's throat." " What's these bananas?" "I could eat a banana." " There are no bananas." "There's a pig." "There are no bananas." " Gilbert!" "Forget the bananas, love!" "There aren't any bananas, but there is a pig." " Only tell her, if anybody comes round there isn't a pig." " That's right." "But if anybody should come, no pig." "With us, a pig." " With anybody else, no pig." " Who's going to come?" "Is it Dr Swaby?" "He came to Mrs Beevers." " No, love, nobody's going to come, Dr Swaby, nobody." "But if anybody should come, no pig!" " He told her she should go to Bridlington, and she ended up in Low Moor." "It was her house!" "Nobody is going to send you to Low Moor, mother." "Dr Swaby, nobody." "We love you, Mother." "We wouldn't send you away." "It's just we're in this rather unusual situation where there is a pig in the house." " Show her it!" " I will not show her it!" "She's 74 and it's past her bedtime." "Come on, mother!" "Up to bed." "With any luck ..." "In the morning all this will seem like a bad dream." "Joyce !" " Joyce !" " Have you done it?" "Betty, Betty, Betty..." " We are going to look that silly." " Silly?" "We're finished!" "We spent a lot of money on that pig, Howard!" "It's my understanding, it doesn't exist." "Well, you'll wish it existed on Thursday, when you're sitting down to a scrutty bit of lettuce and tomato." " But why can't he slaughter one of his other pigs?" " Because, clown, the other pigs are all licensed and listed!" " Steady, Charles, I'm still a police officer." " But you're not behaving like one." "Then I'll sniff around." "Sniff around?" "It will be the other side of the Pennines by now, sold to the Jewboys in Manchester." " Pork?" " Pork, nylons, anything." "I don't know what the last war was about!" " Well, how to kill it?" " That's what we want." " Does it say?" "It doesn't say." "Well, you just have to improvise." "No pig, no pig." "Come on in, Veronica." " She's 74 ..." " Come in, Mr Wormold." "Your house smells!" " Our house doesn't smell." "Poor people smell." " It's mother." "She's getting a bit careless." "I can't smell anything." "But then I can't smell anything." "German measles." "You've perfect feet." "I don't know why you've come." " Ah!" " Sorry!" "..." "Sorry." " A pig!" "A pig!" "Don't be silly, there's no pigs here!" "The idea!" "Da capo, Veronica!" "Come on!" "Da capo!" "Do you think he noticed anything?" "Thought so." "There must be easier ways of getting roast pork than this." " Take your clothes off!" " What?" "Strip." "There'll be blood." " Joyce!" " Come on ..." "It's got beyond roast pork now, Gilbert, it's self-respect!" "It's that we grow as people or just go on as we were with going on." "Got be sharp!" " Joyce..." " Our marriage is in a corner!" "I want to pull down the walls." "I want us to be free with you!" " Kill it!" " She is my friend!" " Kill her!" "Kill your friend!" "Do it for me!" "Go on, Gilbert, go on, go on, now!" " Joyce..." " Oh, my darling!" " I've cut my finger." "Coward!" "Yellow!" "You're yellow, Gilbert Chilvers!" " Joyce ..." " A pathetic cringing nancy!" "Don't you touch me!" " Where are you going?" " For a drink!" " I'll have a drink, then I'll be able to do it." " You won't!" "I should have married a man." " Well, I promise!" " Nancy!" "Oh, Mr Wormold!" "What are you doing sitting in the dark?" "Put the fire on!" " We've been asked to save power." " You are a model, Mr Wormold." " Stop in tonight." " We must catch the killer." "The man who butchers the pigs." " He doesn't have to be a butcher..." " Who knows?" " What?" "..." " You've not been crying?" "A hundred and fifty people." "One hundred and fifty people." "It'll be in the papers, of course." "They'll jump on it." ""Leading lights in dinner fiasco."" "Of course, practical socialism." "That's what it's going to be like now." "What's yours is mine." "Excuse me, while I help myself." "I'd have them bastinadoed." "I'd flay them alive." " What about some tinned salmon?" " Tinned salmon?" "Tinned salmon." "I've got the North-Western area president of "The Prudential Building Society" coming." "You don't offer Arthur Cunliffe tinned salmon." ""Civic Row Over the Paltry Fare"." " I've been trying to put me hands on a couple of chicken." "People I've dealt with for years..." " I'm not surprised!" "I'm not surprised at all." "God!" "What a nasty, piss-stained little country this is." "It's like this new Health Service." "Do you realise that any little poorly pillock is now going to be able to knock on my door and say:" ""I am ill." "Treat me." Anybody!" "Me!" "I can put my hands on two turkeys in Bradford." "Two?" "Two?" "We have got one hundred and fifty people coming, and Jesus isn't one of them!" "Two turkeys in Bradford..." "Five years of war and that's what it's come to: two turkeys in Bradford." "Well, do you want them or don't you?" "I've got them on the phone." "Look at him ... that foot fellow." "We're finished, you and me, Lockwood." "That's what's coming to the top: the scum." " No class, ... no breeding, ... no morals ..." " No pig." "I give this country 5 years." " It smells at piano." " Well, they don't have as much money as we do." "They've got a pig." " They're not the only ones." " I saw it." " Walking about the house." " Don't tell stories, or you'll get a big nose." " Bedtime!" " Shall I kiss Daddy?" "Please yourself." "I did see a pig!" "It was all stinky." "Veronica!" "Joyce..." " I want to use the toilet." " You can't." "Go somewhere else." " Where ?" " Anywhere!" "Stay here!" "Henry!" "Henry!" "Drink!" " Me?" " My birthday this year." "No." "I'm due back." " Been round the farms?" " Farms?" " You smell a bit rustic." " Pigs, I'd have said." "I've got to go to the toilet." " How much do you want?" " I beg your pardon?" "You've got something ... we want." "Something ... that belongs to us." "Something ... with four legs." "And a little ... curly ... tail." "Shall we adjourn?" "Hang on." "I haven't been." "Don't move." "I've got it cornered." " Out of my way, nancy!" " They're downstairs," " Dr Swaby, Mr Lockwood..." " Downstairs?" "I'm not dressed!" " It's their pig." "We stole their pig." " Their pig?" " We stole their pig." " We?" "You!" "Betty!" "..." "Who is this, then, Betty?" "Betty..." " It was stashed." "Whoever it belonged to, it was theft." " You're a professional man." "You've got letters after your name!" " We were hungry." " Hungry?" "Nobody's hungry." "Who's hungry?" "Who's your butcher?" "I can't satisfy everybody." "She is in very good condition." " Did she have a little bit of tummy upset?" " Yes." "The important thing is:" "the property has been recovered." "The status quo has been restored." "You are happy, the police are happy ..." " It's all been a big mistake." " Mistake?" "I want this man crucified!" " You crucify him, Wormold crucifies you..." " He's got us by the scrotum." " Did she take to you?" "I found her very affectionate." " Yes, yes, I did too." "Henry!" "Now listen, you ... tapeworm!" "You've been caught out in a nasty cheap little crime." "I'd like to see you put away for a long time." "I'd like to see you drummed out of whatever miserable association you chiropodists belong to and I'd like to see you hounded out of this town with your tail between your legs." "However ... in Westminster Abbey, tomorrow morning ... young couple are getting married of a purity and a nobility ..." "scum like you just can't comprehend." "As a gesture to them, we're going to say nothing about this, but take a tip from me:" "leave this town ..." "We don't want you." " Let's get the pig and get out of here!" " We can't ..." "We're being watched." "Dr Swaby, Mr Lockwood, Mr Allardyce!" "Oh, and Inspector Noble!" "This is an unexpected pleasure." "I gather there's been some silly silly misunderstanding about this ... this animal." "Well, we're all civilised people and I'm sure we can talk it over." "Mother, give Dr Swaby a cocktail snack." "Mother..." "Excuse me." "Come on in, mother!" "Hand them around!" " 74 and never misses a trick." " No pig ..." "No pig." "I think little Veronica is going to startle us one of these days." "I'm going to throw caution to the winds and have a sweet sherry." "Anybody else?" "I went by train to Lytham two years ago, to see my sister-in-law." " I travelled all by meself and I changed twice." " Dr Swaby's not interested in your holidays, mother." "Gilbert, I don't think we want that animal in here while we're having our cocktails, do we?" " Let's get the pig, and go!" " We can't, Wormold's outside." " I'll have to kill it here." " Here?" " Now?" "Slaughter it here?" "What a splendid idea!" "We'd be only too pleased." "All our facilities are at your disposal." "Bring Sutcliff, fetch Preston!" "I'm going to need lots of hot water." "Seven nines are sixty-three." " We could ..." " What?" " Let her go." " Yes!" " Where?" " I don't know." "Just set around somewhere ..." "In a sty." "Not kill her ... just keep her." "They'd go mad." " All right." " I've got a car ..." "Grab hold!" "Come, Betty!" "Come, Betty!" "Betty!" "Come!" "Don't worry, Betty." "Silly twit." " Oh, more sherry, Inspector?" " Don't mind if I do." " I wonder what he thinks we're doing?" " Playing cards, it's a perfectly normal activity." "Bridge!" "Oh, why didn't I think of it?" " Do you play, doctor?" " No." "The Royal wedding is exciting a great deal of interest." " Do you mind if I ask you something?" " Certainly." " Have you any history of ... mental illness?" "There might be some noise." "Put wireless on." "We don't need the wireless." " Am I too late?" " Come in." "Take his pinny." "I must say I am looking forward to the wedding." "I read in the paper they are going to spend the honeymoon in Broadlands." "Unfortunate name." "Could be an institution." "Of course, it's what we do best, isn't it, pageantry?" "Carriages passing the streets, the Household Cavalry." "The bells ringing out." "Oh, England!" "It's like a fairy tale." "Gangway!" "The water hot?" "With a bit more leisure I'd make black pudding." "You got a razor?" "I'm sorry." "Sorry?" "I thought you called yourself a medical man." "First requirement of a medical man is to have no feelings." " I want a hand." "We've got to get it upstairs." " All right." "I'm dressed up." " I have a hernia." " Oh, my brother-in-law has a hernia." "What a charming man." "I teach the daughter piano." "I think one day she's going to surprise us all." "So sensitive." " Right, when I've seen to the carcass, I'm leaving." " I leave first." " I'm the one he's watching." "I leave first, but empty-handed, right?" "You can take the pig." " We're not taking the pig!" " Do you want the pig, or don't you?" " Joyce, ..." " Can I go to the toilet?" " Of course, mother." "There's no need to ask." "Seventy-four ..." " Eleven elevens are ..." " Go to the toilet, mother!" "We'll wait 5 minutes." "Get the pig ready!" "Do you have a hat and coat?" "Think yourself lucky, the pair of you!" "You've got off very lightly indeed." "But he was fond of her." "You were fond of her, I can tell that." "And don't be too upset." "We're as much in the wrong as you are." "If this got out we'd all be ruined." "Oh, really?" "I think you'd better sit down." "I think we've got some talking to do." " Joyce !" " Shut up !" "Sit down!" "Pillock!" " Perhaps, you'd like a little sherry now?" " Very well." " Now you've found a way to our door, I do hope you'll come again." " Yes, I will." " I'm bound to say, Mrs Chilvers, you've got up in my estimation." "You've got more about you than your husband." " Oh!" "Oh, incidentally, if you ever want your mother put in a home, I'm really on the board of several of them." "Oh, do you hear that, mother?" "Oh, how caring!" "Well, I'll be on toe." "Right, Gilbert!" "..." "I think sexual intercourse is in order." "And now they are man and wife." "For the people who have come from afar, the wedding for the family has become the wedding for entire British people." "Everyone gladly sharing ..." " Are you busy?" " No." "... as serving ..." "Are you any good at painting?" "common humanity which unites us all." "Should I start at the bottom?" "The bottom or the top?" "Oh, I think it's perhaps better if you work your way up ..." "Maurice." "They wanted Elizabeth, they wanted Philip ..." "Seldom any bride and groom received such a tumultuous expression of good will." "Somebody at the door." "Take no notice." "We're busy, aren't we?" "The joy of princess and people ..." "... for both the day has been an ordeal ..." "Frightening in its intensity yet unforgettable in it's splendour." "And now the tension was leaping..." "As the great day draw to a ..." " I love you, Mrs Forbes." " I wondered if you did." " Will you marry me?" " Possibly." "Only I'm still waiting to hear from Kuala Lumpur." "Anyway we can cross that "t" when we get to it." "... and this British observance of public duty   that is the tradition of which ..." " Maurice?" " Yes." "You'll have to be less keen on your job." "Shall I draw in the stocking tops?" "... when so many have enjoyed in this peak of human experience ..." "Don't be coarse, you ..." "Wipe your mouth." "You've got it to stop." "It's a lovely hotel." "The toilets are immaculate." " They would put us right next door to the toilet." "What are you doing, Gilbert?" " Nothing, nothing." "Still, toilet or no toilet." "In ten years time, that'll be us." "My Lord Mayor, the aldermen, distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen." "And it is my great pleasure to propose to you now the toast in honor of the happy couple!" "The happy couple!" "Subtitles by:" "Vitaly (vipo) (Leningrad (USSR)" "Gush Dan (Israel))." "Made mostly by listening with some help from the script." "Editing program: "Subtitle Edit"."