"(barking orders)" "Oh, no, not another manuscript on someone's Army memoirs." "But this one is rather unusual." "Fielding, ever since the Army put in that Operation:" "Shakespeare, every GI who's ever gotten past basic training is writing a book on his memoirs." "Miss Simpson, return..." ""Bilko"?" "That's a title?" ""Bilko"?" "Yes, uh, he's a sergeant." "He's the most..." "Well, take this chapter, "Busted."" ""Busted"?" "Yes, it's how Bilko lost his sergeant stripes." ""The monthly reports had just come in from Washington..."" "Captain, this is disgraceful!" "Three of your four sergeants reprimanded for unmilitary conduct." "Colonel, these men are not sergeants, they're sheep!" "Innocent sheep who are led by the nose by my fourth sergeant." "Bilko." "I know." "Quiet!" "(others talking excitedly)" "But how come every month Bilko is the only one whose records are never criticized?" "That's very simple, sir-- he never keeps records." "Captain, unless you have definite proof..." "Oh, we have, sir." "You'll notice that Supply Sergeant Pendleton has been reprimanded for unmilitary procedure." "Tell the colonel what happened, Sergeant." "Yes, sir." "Two weeks ago, Sergeant Bilko sees this picture of an Air Force flight jacket with a mouton collar, and right away he wants I should order him one." "He treats quartermasters like I'm Sears, Roebuck." "An Air Force jacket?" "Yes, sir." "BARKER:" "Go on." "Well, anyways," "I'm finishing my required requisitions for some GI galoshes, and the aforementioned Sergeant Bilko kindly offers to take them to the post office." "I see." "Sergeant, tell the colonel what was delivered to your supply depot this morning." "144 Air Force flight jackets." "144 flight jackets?" "All Bilko's size." "Oh, no." "With mouton collars." "And they're being returned at once, sir." "I assure you that Bilko won't lay a finger on one." "Good." "And what happened in Signal Corps?" "Sergeant Grover, tell us why message center received an unsatisfactory mark this month." "Yes, sir." "Last Wednesday, Sergeant Bilko came to my message center, and in a secretive manner suggested that with a few changes in the regular Signal Corps message circuit, we could put a direct wire to the rear of a certain pool room in Roseville." "What?" "!" "I said, "Sergeant Bilko, this is a most unmilitary procedure."" "And you?" "I acquiesced." "And what happened?" "What happened?" "Huh!" "Sir, it's-it's right there." "For three days, the Signal Corps in Washington has been trying to contact this post, and all they could get were the results from the Belmont Racetrack." "This is too much!" "A direct line to a horse parlor?" "And th-that's not all, Colonel Hall." "Y-Y-You'll find there that Master Sergeant Sowici has been given the severest reprimand." ""For most unsanitary and disgusting condition of Company 'B' kitchen."" "Sowici, you've always kept the cleanest kitchen-- what happened?" "Tell the colonel, Sergeant Sowici." "Yes, sir." "It was two weeks ago Friday when Sergeant Bilko, carrying a small box, came into my kitchen." "He said to me, "Sergeant Sowici, you are a gambling man."" "Which, of course, I am not, sir." "Go on." "I said, "Sergeant Bilko," ""Colonel Hall allows no gambling on this post." "I suggest you about-face and march out of here at once!"" "Good for you!" "What was in the box?" "Ten cockroaches." "Cockroaches!" "Don't say that word." "It's disgusting." "Oh, yes, sir." "I was aghast." "However, he went on to explain that with these ten c... little strangers, sir, we could have a most exciting race." "A race?" "Yes, sir, to see which of them could get to a plate of chipped beef on toast first." "Horrible!" "It certainly was horrible, Colonel." "And just at the moment when the ten little, uh, uh, strangers were scurrying across the kitchen floor, the sanitation officer came in for inspection." "Disgusting." "Bilko's little stranger won." "Never mind!" "We later found out that he hadn't fed the thing in a week, and it went for that plate of chipped beef on toast" "like a bat out of..." "Never mind!" "Yes, sir." "Colonel Hall, how-how long are these three men" "going to suffer at the hands of Bilko?" "(knock at door)" "How long is this company going to put up with him...?" "Ah, Colonel Hall!" "Captain Barker, sir." "Oh, I seem to have interrupted a high-level strategy meeting." "Never mind." "Oh, these brilliant moves that spell the difference between victory and defeat." "And to think, the Pentagon gets all the credit." "How unfair." "Sir, if you'll just sign this," "I'll be off and on my way, sir." "Sign what?" "It's my citation, sir." "I'm Sergeant of the Month, you know." "You are..." "Well, it's the colonel's own ruling-- there it is written right there," ""The sergeant with the cleanest record" "gets the citation."" "Forget it!" "Forget it, sir?" "Sir, am I to be penalized for the slipshod manner" "that my other sergeants..." "Quiet!" "No offense, boys, but next month let's get our shoulder to the wheel and put it over the top, boys!" "Bil-Bilko... your fellow sergeants have been telling me some very interesting things about you." "Oh, they have?" "Oh, boys, you shouldn't have." "These little things I do for you come from the heart, boys." "Yeah, like those Air Force flight jackets?" "With the mouton collars?" "Adorable, aren't they?" "Oh, Andy, you don't have to get them for me." "I want no thanks for that money I raised for your cousin when he got into that, shall we say, little scrape in Toledo." "But that was seven years ago!" "Seven years?" "And he still remembers it." "Sir, he's an elephant, an elephant!" "Bilko!" "Oh, he's all heart, sir, all heart." "I practically had to force the ten dollars on him that he wanted for the alterations." "Pendleton!" "Oh, please don't listen to any more what they say about me, sir." "They worship me." "It'll be embarrassing." "Bilko!" "Sir?" "Sergeant Grover tells me a very interesting story about a direct line to a horse parlor." "Steve, you shouldn't have!" "Oh, why did you?" "I wanted him to get the credit, sir." "Credit?" "For a direct line" "to a horse parlor?" "Yes, sir, I thought it'd be wonderful exercise for the men in wiretapping." "It's the coming thing, you know, sir." "This little brain of mine..." "Bilko, you put in that line?" "Oh, yes, putting in the line was my idea, but collecting ten percent of the bets was Grover's idea, sir." "HALL:" "Grover!" "Well..." "Is this true?" "I thought, sir, being that we were doing all the work..." "And a magnificent job they do, sir." "I understand that you found a new and very interesting way of extracting money from Sowici." "Oh, Stanley!" "You didn't have to tell him these things!" "(chuckles)" "He worships me, sir." "I'm not the saint he thinks I am, really." "What are you talking about?" "Well, I assume he told you about what happened between us during the war?" "You gonna bring that up again?" "Well, isn't that what you told the colonel?" "About the time you were stuck in the foxhole under the broiling sun, and through machine-gun fire" "I crawled to you to give you that glass of water?" "Sowici, is that true?" "Yes, sir." "Oh." "I figured it out, sir." "Until today, that glass of water has cost me over $11,000." "Oh, let's not bother the colonel with these little figures" "that are unimportant..." "Colonel Hall, p-please, please don't let Bilko get away with it." "He-He must be disciplined." "The men thought that if you'd take away his stripes, then" "perhaps they could actually..." "SOWICI:" "Yes, at once!" "Take away..." "No, not my stripes, sir!" "Not that I care, sir, but..." "but those newspapers..." "The newspapers?" "Oh, you know how they love to hound the Army, how they love to embarrass the Army." "They'll investigate." "They'll want to know why the one sergeant with a clean record has to have his stripes removed." "Colonel, this is a private matter." "Sir, these things do leak out." "Personally, my lips are sealed, sir." "I'll say nothing." "He's right." "Colonel, he did it again!" "Captain, I am running this post." "Yes, sir." "You men will return to your duties." "You heard the colonel." "On the double." "Hi-yup." "Hut, two, three, four." "Hut, two, three, four." "Hut, two..." "Oh, my citation, sir-- if you'll just sign this," "I'll be off and on my way, sir." "No." "Oh, it's just a little memento I want for the twilight of my life, to remember being with you, sir..." "No!" "No?" "All right, sir, for the time being." "Thank you very much, sir." "(Bilko humming)" "What's the matter?" "Poor little sergeants feeling badly?" "You look gray, positively gray." "Tattletale gray!" "Now, look, Bilko, someday those stripes are gonna come off," "and when they do..." "(others talking)" "Quiet, you miserable stool pigeons!" "Ran to the colonel, huh?" "What good would it do you?" "Suppose he had taken my stripes off." "Ha-ha!" "Why, in 24 hours, the colonel would personally be sewing those stripes back on my sleeve." "The colonel?" "The colonel would be sewing the sleeve?" "A double stitch!" "A double stitch?" "Single stitch." "Just baste them lightly, it doesn't..." "Quiet!" "I was only clowning with the men, sir." "Quiet!" "Bilko, that does it!" "I see you understand only one language." "At ease, Private Bilko." "OTHERS:" "Private Bilko!" "Pri..." "Really, sir, I'll have to change" "Quiet!" "all my stationery, sir." "Quiet!" "These men are your superiors now." "You're in their hands." "In our hands!" "(devious chuckling)" "Now, now, now, now, wait." "Okay, get into your fatigues!" "Now, wait a minute." "Bilko in fatigues!" "(laughing)" "You know, he may get the O.P.A. medal!" "O.P.A.?" "Yeah, Oldest Private in the Army." "(laughter)" "Oh, wouldn't that be neat?" "Ah-ha." "Oh, funny, funny!" "Get into your fatigues!" "Yes." ""Yes"?" "Come back here." "Yes what?" "Yes, Sergeant." ""Yes, Sergeant."" "Eight years I been waiting for you to say that to me." ""Yes, Sergeant."" "Make him say it to me." "Say it to him!" "Yes, Sergeant." "(laughter)" "Having fun, uh-huh." "Remember what I told you fellas." "24 hours?" "No, I changed my schedule." "In 12 hours." "Two for flinching." "Hey, hey, Sowici, maybe we pushed him too far." "Ohh..." "You know that brain of his." "Now, wait a minute, we got him just where we want him." "We got to stick together to keep him there." "We got to stay united, you know, a stone wall against him." "ALL:" "A stone wall!" ""...a stone wall against Bilko."" "This is exciting." "Does Bilko get his stripes back?" "Wait a minute, wait." ""The news of Bilko's fall swept the post."" "I don't believe it." "Sarge, a private?" "Just temporarily." "12 hours I'll get those stripes back. -(Pendleton grousing)" "Goofing off already, dogface?" "Get these 24 typewriters off the truck and into my supply room on the double!" "Yes, Sergeant Pendleton." "Yeah, and that's only the beginning." "See what I'm up against?" "What is this?" ""24 typewriters delivered as per Special Bulletin 15-A."" "Well, I'm..." "What?" "Bulletin 15-A." "Clickety-clickety-click." "This is it!" "What's it?" "What, sir?" "I may do this in six hours." "Get me Henshaw." "Henshaw, on the double!" "(barks order) Oh, you're here." "Look, get right down to the supply room, you understand?" "Here's what I want you to do." "You get me a typewriter..." "PENDLETON:" "Relax, fellas, take it easy." "I got a Private Bilko coming in to do the dirty work." "Oh, Kadowski, hang this Air Force flight jacket right here, so Bilko can eat his heart out while he's working." "Hey, Pendleton, check me out, will ya?" "Hey, who gets the typewriter?" "Bilko?" "Bilko don't get a thing..." "You got to give it to him-- Bulletin 15-A." "15-A?" "Operation:" "Shakespeare?" "Yeah, hurry it up, will ya?" "Yeah, yeah." ""Typewriters are to be made available to encourage enlisted personnel in pursuit of literary efforts"!" "(chuckles):" "Sign, will ya?" "Oh, sure." "Thanks." ""Literary efforts"?" "Yeah..." "That means he's writing a book!" "PALMER:" "Book?" "Who's writing a book?" "Bilko." "Bilko's writing a book?" "About what?" "About what?" "What else?" "The Army!" "Hey, hey, what's up?" "What's up?" "!" "Bilko's writing an exposé of Fort Baxter!" "I hope he keeps my name out of it!" "Oh, I guess he'll just mention those guys that were mean to him." "Ah, he's bluffing." "He's bluffing!" "Oh, sure, like the guy who wrote The Naked and the Dead." "He was bluffing, too, huh?" "I got to see Grover." "Yeah, I heard about it." "It's sweeping the post." "Yeah, well, what's he gonna write in it?" "I heard he was calling it Monsters I Have Known." "I understand it's gonna make Confidential look like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs." "No." "Well?" "Let's go see Sowici." "Well, what are you getting panicky for?" "It's only a book." "I hear it's like No Time For Sergeants." "Except that when Bilko's book comes out, some sergeants will be doing time." "You started this, Sowici." "You said, "Let's go see the captain."" "I always liked Ernie." "(mocking):" ""I always liked Ernie."" "Why don't you shut up, you stupes?" "Go ahead, let him write his book." "He's got nothing on us." "Take a break." "Has he?" "No, but you don't know." "No, but I just..." "No, but nothing." "So what are we worried about?" "Go ahead, let him write his book." "We got to stick together." "We got to be a stone wall against him." "ALL:" "A stone wall..." ""The stone wall was shaky," ""but could Bilko shatter it in just six hours?" ""Back in his room," "Private Bilko was getting ready for his first work detail."" "(typewriter keys clacking)" "What kind of a book are you writing, Sarge?" "Book?" "Who's writing a book?" "But everybody says you're writing an exposé on the inside secrets of Fort Baxter." "How can I write a book?" "I don't even know how to type." "The whole post is in a panic." "They think that you know" "the ins..." "I know what they think." "The think I know every skeleton in every closet on the post." "I don't... but it's time I found out." "How?" "How?" "Psychology." "Excuse me." "Sergeant Pendleton is waiting to tell me all." "Uh, excuse me, Sarge." "I-I don't want to be stupid, but just by using psychology, you can make people spill out their secrets?" "It's like turning on a faucet, and out it comes." "Well, The FBI in War and Peace." "I wonder if Bilko's book will be a bestseller." "I heard the Book of the Month Club is interested." "Ah, you guys make me sick." "He ain't got a thing on me." "Not a thing." "My conscience is clear." "(Bilko whistling)" "Oh, aren't you a little late for your detail, Shakespeare?" "Ah." "Ah, you like it, huh?" "You like it." "Nice." "Eat your heart out!" "You're gonna work, Bilko." "You're gonna get back to your bunk too tired to write lies about anybody." "Andy, please." "You're getting shrill." "Ah, you don't..." "You haven't got a thing you can prove with that book you're writing." "Book?" "Who's writing a book?" "What is this nonsense?" "Oh, incidentally, I need a new typewriter ribbon." "Already?" "!" "What are you so panicky about?" "You act like you're frightened to death!" "Me?" "Me, afraid?" "Oh, you got the wrong place, Mac." "Take a look at these stacks." "Everything double entry." "Go ahead, examine 'em." "Double entry, huh?" "Yeah, since '43." "Well, I guess after what happened, you had to change your system, didn't you?" "Excuse me." "I have to get back to..." "Now, wait a minute." "What-What-What..." "What do you mean, after what happened?" "Nothing." "These things happen." "You can't stop 'em." "I have to help the boys..." "Hold it a minute." "Hey, fellas, take a break." "How did you find out?" "Find out what?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "They promised me it would all be hushed up." "Andy, you're hysterical." ""Andy," they said, "no one will ever know."" "I know nothing." "I don't know..." "How long does a man have to suffer for one little mistake?" "I don't even want to listen." "And now you're gonna print that?" "Print what, Andy?" "Ernie, give me a break." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Oh." "No, you don't know." "As if you didn't know that I outfitted an entire regiment headed for Africa in fur coats and snowshoes." "Well, these things happen, Andy." "You can't help yourself." ""Wrong Way Pendleton," they called me." "Well, it's a natural..." "I thought they were going to Alaska." "Look, a mistake is a mistake." "Yeah." "You..." "You print that in your book, Ernie," "and I swear, I'll deny it." "Print?" "What do I have to print?" "I'll deny the whole thing." "Oh, it's just a mistake." "You can't prove any..." "How do you like your cuff?" "Not too snug." "Watch that." "It was during the war." "They gave me the wrong zone number." "Is there enough drape for you?" "Give me a sweep to it, a sweep." "I've already been laughed out of three companies." "If it happens..." "Do you want the collar Hollanderized?" "No." "I think you keep it fluffy." "Keep it just..." "I think..." "Fluffy!" "Pendleton!" "Well, it was his size anyway, sir." "Excuse me." "I have to see Grover." "So, you cracked, huh?" "And now you want me to be nice to him to save your hide." "But Steve, a regiment with fur coats landing in Africa." "If he prints that, I'm..." "Just too bad you can't control that big mouth of yours." "Now suffer for it." "Stevie, 3,000 guys crossing the Sahara Desert on snowshoes." "Well, you was always a weakling, Andy, but this time, he's up against a rock." "He won't get anything from me." "(Bilko whistling)" "Well, well, well, if it isn't the author." "I got about 100 miles of wire for you to string." "Oh, don't be silly, Steve." "Oh, incidentally, you never did let me put that long-distance call through to Paris, did you?" "Paris." "That'll be the day." "Oh, excuse me." "Is this the chair that was empty during the alert on Pearl Harbor Day?" "Oh, so that's it." "No." "I was just curious." "I wonder why Fort Baxter had to get the news of Pearl Harbor from the local milkman." "You struck out again." "I wasn't even on duty." "I was in town." "In town?" "During an alert?" "You heard what he said." "Get him Paris." "Here's the number." "Ernie, have a heart." "Open circuit overseas." "Emergency." "Paris, France." "Get me Pigalle, 6-3-6-5." "Tell him it's a candy store, but they'll call her." "Ernie, it was just an ordinary alert." "Who knew...?" "Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, wait a minute." "It's 3:55." "Time for the fourth race at Rockingham." "But I took that wire out of..." "(Bilko clears his throat)" "Fourth race." "Check." "Ready on your call to Paris, Sarge." "Hey, that was quick." "Hello." "Let me..." "Yvonne!" "Comment ça va?" "It-It..." "It's Bilko." "Sergeant Bilko." "Oui." "No, no, no." "Ernie Bil... (with accent):" "Chocolat." "Ah!" "Now she..." "Oh. (speaking French)" "Where is Grover?" "Please." "I'm on long distance, sir." "Oh, you men are going to pay for this once Sergeant Grover hears about it..." "Here's the results of the fourth race at Rockingham." "It was first, Crying Tony, paying 640 and..." "Oh!" "Grover!" "Get back here." "Bilko, put down that phone." "Voulez-v...?" "Uh, excusez-moi, Yvonne." "Capitaine-- he wants me." "The..." "le Capitaine." ""What is Capitaine"?" "Uh, uh... beaucoup chocolat." "Yeah." "Well..." "She wants to talk to you, sir." "Put down that phone!" "I've got to go now." "Yeah." "Au revoir, Yvonne." "(smooches)" "All right, baby." "Well, Sergeant Grover." "Excuse me, sir." "I have to see Sergeant Sowici." "Grover!" "You tell Sergeant Sowici that he can have Bilko for KP." "He'll know what to do." "Yes, sir." "Oh, Ernie, it's gonna be murder on that KP, but I'll talk to Sowici." "Don't say anything to him." "Just say one word." "One word?" ""Tomatoes." -"Tomatoes"?" "Just say that-- "tomatoes."" "On the double." "(barking orders)" "Tomatoes?" "You got something on Sowici about tomatoes?" "No." "But he'll tell me something." "Why, you guys nauseate me." "You nauseate me!" "Pearl Harbor Day." "I can see it in print." "3,000 guys on snowshoes." "So you want me to be nice to him, so he won't write about you in his book?" "I'm gonna be nice to him, all right." "You see that pile of potatoes over there?" "You see that load of pots and pans over there?" "You see that mop?" "And that ain't all." "While he's down on his hands and knees scrubbing and peeling," "I'll be sitting right here in front of him eating his favorite foods." "Crêpe suzette... in flaming Napoleon brandy." "Sipping champagne, his favorite year." "And he'll be right in front of me, his eyes popping, while he's kneeling and peeling and drooling." "He said we should mention to you about tomatoes." "This is murder." "That Bilko..." "PENDLETON:" "Stanley!" "Stanley, he'll ruin us!" "Tomatoes?" "PENDLETON: 3,000 soldiers wearing earmuffs in a jungle." "Tomatoes?" "We'll be ruined." "He couldn't know about that." "That was 13 years ago in New Guinea." "PENDLETON:" "He knows everything!" "Even the general admitted that they looked like peaches." "Tomatoes." "BILKO:" "Well, Sowici, ready to go to work." "Oh, Ernie, just in time." "Ernie!" "What?" "Be my guest." "What are you fellas doing?" "Sit down here." "What is this?" "Go on here." "Sit down." "Say, this is very nice." "What are you...?" "For you." "Crêpe suzette?" "For me?" "W...?" "For you." "In-In burning Napoleon brandy, just as you like it." "But why?" "Why for me?" "Why?" "Why?" "Tell him why?" "ALL:" "# For he's a jolly good fellow #" "# For he's a jolly good fellow #" "# For he's a jolly good fellow #" "BILKO:" "# Low... #" "ALL:" "# Which nobody can deny. #" "(clamoring)" "Quiet!" "I just can't believe it." "All three of you men begging me to give Bilko his stripes back." "Six hours on the nose." "I heard that." "Just kidding, sir." "Just making a little remark." "Very clever, Bilko." "So you're writing a book, and all three of these trembling hulks are afraid of you now." "I don't know where this rumor started-- writing a book." "Really, sir." "All right, write your book." "Write all the nasty rumors and mistakes you can think of." "And add one big chapter." "How you bragged that you were gonna get the colonel to pin on your stripes, but you found out that he was made of sterner stuff." "Sir, I admit that..." "All right, get back to your duties." "Thank you, sir..." "Colonel, may I say in parting, there is no animosity, and I'll always be proud of the fact and think of it with great affection that I served under a commanding officer who was first in his graduating class at West Point." "(Hall laughs)" "Bilko, if you're writing a book, you better get your facts straight." "I was 17th in my class." "Oh, I know, sir, but you would have been first if..." "Excuse me, sir." "I must go." "If what, Bilko?" "Nothing." "J-Just a chance remark I happened to make." "Your point?" "Nothing at all, sir." "I meant nothing by it." "Bilko, you wouldn't dare." "Sir..." "You wouldn't dare!" "I-I don't know what you're..." "Bilko, I was only 23 at the time." "They told me it was strong lemonade." "I know, sir." "You were just a baby, just a baby." "Bilko, in my condition, how could I know it was ladies night at that Turkish bath?" "Believe me, sir, you can trust me, sir." "I won't say a word." ""Did Colonel Hall sew on Bilko's stripes?"" "Did he, sir?" "Did he actually do it, sir?" "Wait." "Wait." "The answer's right here." ""Now the truth can be told." ""No, he did not sew on those stripes." ""Bilko's colonel had too much honor, too much self-respect to do a thing like that."" "The end." "Shall we publish it?" "Not a chance." "It's too unbelievable." "Send this back to the author with this rejection." ""Colonel J.T. Hall-- Fort Baxter, Kansas." ""Dear Colonel Hall, we've read your manuscript," ""but feel at the present time we cannot publish another military memoir..."" "ANNOUNCER:" "Harry Clark as Sergeant Sowici." "Jimmy Little was seen as Sergeant Grover." "Ned Glass appeared as Sergeant Pendleton." "Nicholas Saunders was seen as Captain Barker."