"It's WiIIsenio..." "Smith!" "Tonight, on The Willsenio Smith Show... a boy making a videotape for his mama." "Give it up for him." "Hi, Mom, it's me." "You know, Aunt Viv told me... that you finally came into the '90s, and you bought a VCR." "So I thought I'd make a little tape for you." "Well, I've grown a little bit since you've seen me, about an inch and a half." "Check this out, I got some chest hairs now." "Look." "See?" "Digger One there." "Oh, that must have been sweater lint." "Well, anyway, hold up." "We'll be right back after these messages." "Have you ever felt, you know, not so fresh?" "No, just kidding, Mama." "Hold on, check it out." "Got an A+ on my Spanish test." "Man, muchos brainos en el cabeza, si?" "Man." "But, yo, I better vámonos... 'cause you know how Uncle Phil gets if anybody hold up dinner." "will!" "That means, "How much is the espadrilles?"" "Hey, yo. I don't know how to say, "l miss you, Mom. "But I do." "All right." "Adiós." "Oh, cut it, Ash." "hilary, your makeup's here." "No, it's one of your friends from philly, too cheap to buy an airline ticket." "No, this is my new exercise bike." "I'm gonna use it to develop my huge legs." "You know, I figure I'II need them... to support my massive chest and my 24-inch pythons." "This equaI-opportunity thing has gone just a little too far." "I can't believe they're letting girls play on my intramural baseball team." "Next thing you know, they'II be letting us vote." "Don't even get me started on that issue." "Women have their place, but men are the cornerstone of civilization." "Not only are we good at men-things, but we're good at women-things, too." "I can't believe you're serious." "hilary and I couId do a so-caIIed man-thing a Iot better... than either of you could do a so-caIIed woman-thing." "would you care to place a little wager?" "I bet you couldn't...." "assemble an exercise bike." "Oh, my goodness." "We got one right here!" "well, we could do that a Iot better than you could...." "Sew a dress." "I saw it on The Brady Bunch." "You're on." "Another planet, man." "I ain't sewing no dress." "In other words, you can't sew no dress." "well, what?" "Are you crazy?" "We'd do a dress like that." "And that includes a full smocking and smart pIeat." "Then it's set." "The loser has to help alice in the kitchen." "I mean Geoffrey." "Hi, Ed." "Evening." "well, is Grandma here yet?" "How does she look?" "If I was 50 years old..." "I'd definitely take her out for a bucket of chicken." "Hi, sweetie." "Hi, baby." "Your mother loves her room." "She's been clapping the lights on and off for the Iast 20 minutes." "Ever since Grandpa died last year..." "I've been trying to get Grandma to move out here with us." "So I want everybody to cheer her up." "I don't want her moping around in some old housecoat all day." "Zeke." "Mama." "It's so good to see you, baby." "Mama." "You look so fluorescent." "Don't I though?" "I am three pounds lighter, a whole lot tighter... and I'm dressed to chill." "Go, Granny." "well, Mama, I've got a busy day planned for you tomorrow." "They're having a solitaire tournament out at the Bide-Away Retirement villas... and after that there's a pudding buffet." "Sounds like fun, but I don't think I can take all that excitement." "Hey, hold up." "I don't know, Granny." "Last week they served tapioca." "Man, the cops had to break that joint up." "Mrs. Banks, I bought all the fixings for a North-CaroIina dinner." "Geoffrey, I'm impressed." "But while you're cooking it, would you mind making me up a salad?" "I'm slimming." "Mama?" "You mean you're not cooking at all?" "well, you know...." "Okay, you basset hounds." "If you leave me to it, I can bake a pie... and still get in a bike ride before supper." "Now, go on." "Get out of here." "Get away." "Shoo." "Go, Granny." "Evening." "Evening." "Yo, what up, Ed?" "Granny, have you two met?" "This is Mr. Ed Downer." "Ed, this is Mrs. Hattie Banks." "A woman known far and wide for her mean sweet-potato pies." "well, if it's half as sweet as she is, maybe you might save me a slice." "Yeah, that's a good line, Ed." "I'II have to use that one myself." "well, Ed, are you from around these parts?" "No, my wife passed, my daughter wanted me out here... and wouldn't take no for an answer." "Since my Joe passed, my son wants me out here, too." "But I don't think so." "Don't let this jogging suit fool you." "I'm no spring chicken." "well, maybe not... but you a Iong way from the stewing pot." "You know, Iike my dad always said:" ""Women are like CadiIIacs..." ""they don't even begin to rev up until they hit 70."" "Yo, E. Another dope line, man." "We're gonna win this bet, will." "I Iove the neckline, and the fabric's great." "And the color really brings out my eyes." "How are you doing, Granny?" "What do you think?" "Six years of Oprah, and this is still a shock." "It's a bet, Grandma." "Don't tell me what happens if you lose." "In fact, I don't want to know what happens if you win." "Oh, hell, just let's never mention it again." "Son?" "And I use that term loosely." "What's going on?" "Dad, it's not what it looks like." "will and I are making a dress." "That's exactly what it looks like." "Look, carlton, Iet's just go upstairs and pick out some accessories, man." "Work it, honey." "Seat." "handlebars." "pedals." "Hey, we're doing great." "Give me." ""tools needed: pIiers and a wrench with a ratchet head."" "Sounds like somebody with a bad haircut." "What else?" "Oh, goody!" "Listen to this:" ""Do not overexert yourself or work to exhaustion."" "We have to stop, ashley." "Oh, no, carlton." "carlton, man." "Is this the saddest sight that you've seen, man?" "Other than your girlfriend in biker shorts?" "We are doing just fine, thank you." "As a matter of fact, as soon as we put it together, we'II be done." "When did you see my girlfriend in bicycle shorts?" "Last Thursday, while she was playing tennis." "Magnificent server." "Speaking of serving, your parents are expecting you on the patio for brunch." "Mama, we'd Iike you to meet our next-door neighbor." "Mrs. Sweeting, this is my mother, Mrs. Banks." "Thanks?" "For what?" "I just got here." "How do you do?" "Yes, well, we had a nice long chat while we were walking up the driveway... and it seems you two gals have a Iot in common." "Oh, isn't that nice?" "What?" "I crochet." "I play cards." "Did I mention I crochet?" "Excuse me, I just remembered I have some pantyhose soaking upstairs." "Mrs. Sweeting, may I ask what you're making?" "An afghan." "That's what I make, afghans, only afghans." "Not scarves, not tablecloths, not doiIies." "I think I'II go translate the Dead Sea scrolls." "well, I'II go with you." "You can never learn that stuff too early." "while you two ladies get acquainted..." "I think I'II go check and see what Geoffrey's doing in the kitchen." "Bitchin'?" "Is he going surfing?" "I thought we were gonna have lunch." "well, I wish I couId stay." "It's so nice getting to know your friends... but will and I have to go...." "Bungee jumping." "Oh, that's right." "Nice meeting you, Miss Sweet Thing." "Come on, honey." "philip, I'II be out in a minute." "I have slipped into something that will knock your socks off." "My socks are already off." "Just come out naked." "well, what do you think?" "What's that?" "After 22 years of marriage you still have to ask?" "No, dear, I'm talking about this note here." ""Dear Vivian and Zeke, I'm going over to my new friend's to play cards."" ""Love, Mama."" "Your mother went over to Mrs. Sweeting's?" "I don't believe it." "I hate to say I told you so." "Then don't." "help me turn down the bed instead." "I mean, why shouldn't they hit it off?" "They're both about the same age." "So are you and Mick Jagger." "philip, can I help you with your shirt?" "You know, the important thing is, Mama's got a new friend now." "philip, your mother is fine." "She really, really is." "Stop worrying." "And this nightgown cost $160." "No, she's not fine." "believe me, Vivian, this chipper act is strictly for my benefit." "I'm gonna wait up for Mama... and see if she needs anything before she goes to bed." "philip." "There's something I'd Iike before I go to bed." "I'II bring you some sugar cookies." "God, this dress-making is a breeze, isn't it, will?" "You said it, carlton." "Hey, man, what do you think of this for Cher?" "It's a little formal, isn't it?" "Not only are men bad at sewing, they're also terrible liars." "Hey, what do you know about men?" "A Iot more than you know about women." "When was the Iast time you called a girl for a date a week in advance... showed up in a nice suit with a bouquet of flowers... and took her out for a romantic, candIe-Iit meal?" "Never." "Come on, look, women don't like that mushy stuff." "They like a man to take control." "Yeah, control of themselves." "A guy's idea of an icebreaker is sitting next to me in the cafeteria... and belching my name." "There's nothing like love to build up a good appetite." "Oh, good morning, Mr. SIugabed." "Hi, honey." "Good morning, Mama." "I fixed your favorite, pecan waffles." "No, thank you, Mother." "I'm not very hungry this morning for some reason." "How was it when you were growing up, Grandma?" "When I was your age, sweetheart, there was no hanky-panky." "Not at my age, either." "although I don't think... there's anything the matter with a little hugging and kissing." "could we change the subject, please?" "Zeke, are you feeling okay?" "Your face is longer than Arsenio hall's." "I'm fine." "well, he tossed and turned all night." "Or was that me?" "Look, I'm fine." "Can we just eat, please?" "Hattie, thank you for making breakfast." "You know, you were out so late last night, I thought you would sleep in." "Honey, I've been going to bed with the chickens all of my Iife." "But, you know, when you're out having a good time... the Iast thing you think about is the bed." "well, I'm glad to hear that." "I don't know what's gotten into Dad... but if he's dieting again, I'm moving to a hotel." "philip?" "You've been acting strange all day." "Now, if it's about last night, I am not upset anymore." "No, that's not it." "Why isn't it?" "Mama wasn't playing cards with Mrs. Sweeting last night." "She was out with Ed, the handyman." "I saw them kissing good night." "Sweetheart, I understand why you're upset... but your parents had a Iong, wonderful marriage." "But your mother's been alone for almost a year now." "Can you imagine how lonely she must be?" "If she's found someone, can't you just be happy for her?" "No." "philip, think about it." "If you die tomorrow, what would you want me to do?" "Jump in with me and bring the kids." "You don't mean that." "You're right." "Leave the kids." "philip, if you want your mother to move to california... that means accepting her friends." "Now, I think it wouId be a nice gesture to invite Ed to dinner." "You've got to be kidding." "philip." "I know it's hard to be rational and mature... when it comes to dealing with your own mother, but please try." "I don't want to." "please, baby, for me." "If I promise to jump in with you?" "philip, Hattie's friend has been here almost an hour." "eventually, you are gonna have to say something to him." "Like what?" "Nice suit." "Pass the salt." "What's your favorite wrench?" "Anything." "Honey, as long as it's to Ed." "Can you do that for me, please?" "I'II try." "Just wait until you've tasted Geoffrey's ham-hock souffIé." "Why don't you sit here Mr..." "Ed?" "It's Downer, sweetie, Mr. Ed Downer." "Something sure does smell delicious." "That would be Granny." "So, Ed, Hattie tells us that you grew up on a farm." "That's right, a horse farm." "My daddy had a horse." "Mr. Downer, what breed did you raise?" "AppaIoosas." "They have the most beautiful spotted coats." "My dad had a spotted coat, then he had it cleaned." "Did you have any other animals on your farm?" "Of course, we had chickens, cows, and a great old dog named Brownie." "My dad loved brownies." "He once ate a whole pan-fuII." "That explains a Iot." "So what happened to your farm?" "My son's there." "I passed it on to him, Iike my dad got it from his parents." "My dad had parents." "We called them Grandmom and Grandpop." "Zeke, honey, it smells like my dessert is ready." "would you go check on it for me, please?" "smells like sweet-potato pie." "My dad Iiked" "Sweet-potato pie!" "You miss your father a Iot, don't you, Zeke?" "Somebody has to." "What do you mean by that?" "I was standing right there." "I saw you kiss Ed good night, and now he's sitting in my daddy's place." "You're the one who invited him to dinner... and I'm glad you did." "Don't you feel anything for Daddy, anything at all?" "You really want to know how I feel?" "I'II tell you." "I'm angry, Zeke." "Angry?" "Why, Mama?" "Because he promised he'd never leave me." "Crazy as it may seem, I believed him." "One morning last month, I woke up early... went downstairs singing... got a big breakfast on the stove." "suddenly, I realized I was the only one there to eat it." "Remembering is easy, Zeke." "It's the times that I forget he's gone that I can't stand." "Oh, Mama, I am so sorry." "It's just that I lost Daddy... and when I saw you with Ed, I thought I was gonna lose you, too." "You're not gonna lose me, Zeke." "Of course you may have to Ioan me out on occasion." "You can let go now, Zeke." "As soon as Ed leaves." "This is perfection." "You'II notice the smooth motion, graceful lines, and elegant style." "And the bike looks great, too." "will, you have to admit, hilary and I have built the perfect exercise bike... while carlton is probably upstairs, trying to unstitch your dress... from some major body parts." "She who laughs last." "carlton, if you please." "carlton Banks is wearing an elegant, yet masculine, cotton-siIk combination... designed by will St. Le carlton." "well, what do you think?" "Baby, come to Mama." "You want some fries with that shake?" "Honey, you can carry my lunchbox home anytime." "Hey, man, you gonna let them talk to you Iike that?" "Yeah, I kind of like it." "english"