"All right, let's get started." "Um..." "Oh, first off, we're supposed to be pushing cardstock this week so..." "let's push cardstock this week." "Uh, also?" "what is this?" "Tape recorder." "For what?" "For recording." "Michael is on vacation, and he has asked me to record all meetings and to type up the transcripts." "Okay" "Karen, any news from that warehouse?" "Yeah, the deal closed yesterday with six-month commitment." "Oh my god, Dwight, what are you doing?" "What?" "You're not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office." "I'm not..." "Dwight, you know what?" "Just back off," "Okay." "It's making me uncomfortable." "This is sexual harassment, by the way." "Oh my god." "He's got a knife!" "I do not have a knife." "No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck." "Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar!" "Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby's bonnet." "I am not!" "Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in!" "Dwight, get his autograph for Michael, quickly!" "Jim Carrey did not just walk in." "Okay?" "Dwight, what is that on your stomach?" " Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?" " Oh my god, Karen, you're right." " That is Animal from the Muppet Babies." " You can't see my stomach..." "I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw!" "The Office 3x12 "Back from Vacation" Original Air Date:" "Jan 4, 2007 (NBC)" "Hey mon!" "Hey, you have a bunch of messages." "And, that's nice." "Hannah quit while you're gone." "I guess she'd memo to file some complaints she had about being a working mother." "And- so, you might also have to be deposed." " Relax" " Okay" " Relax." "Okay, I'll get to all of that later." " It's kinda serious." "Aren't you going to ask me how Jamaica was?" "Say it." "Ask me." " How was Jamaica" " It was so good!" "Hey Mon!" "At Sandals, Jamaica, when somebody says "hey mon"" "Everybody says "hey mon" back." "Oh, Michael, I'm glad you're here." "Stanley, you know what?" "It is really good to see you, too." "My bonus check was $100 less than you promised." "Okay, well, payroll is in charge of all of that." "They said I should talk to you." "Well, I am just getting settled in, so I am gonna..." "I am not doing a lick more work until I get my full bonus check." "You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers." "Mon." "Don't you wanna talk about it?" "Nope." "I still haven't found an apartment yet." "I'm living in a hotel." "Yesterday I saw a "For Rent" sign, down street from Jim's" "And he said he didn't think it would be such a good idea." "He said it would be like we were living together." "In different houses." "Two blocks away." ""Feelin' hot, hot, hot!"" ""Feelin' hot, hot, hot!"" ""Feelin' hot, hot, hot!"" ""Feelin' hot, hot, hot!"" "That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing." "It's good." "You know, I had never been out of the country before now." "Got to see how Jamaicans live." "It is great, you know?" "They just relax." "They party all the time." "It's kind of an impoverished country." "Yeah." "Gosh... great." "You know what?" "Pam," "Make your note." "I want us all to start having pina coladas every day at three." "We can't today." "We're doing inventory." "Inventory was at the end of December." "We couldn't do without you, so we postponed." "I specifically went on vacation, so I would miss it." "Inventory is boring." "In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like taking care of inventory." "Why do you think so many businesses moved to the Caymans?" "Tonight, we are going to have an inventory luau." "I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder-Mifflin warehouse inventories." "So, party planning committee." "Get on it." "By end of the day?" "That's impossible." "The Jamaicans don't have a word for "impossible"" "Yep, It' English." "It's impossible." "Michael, there is no way that we can do it in time." "How hard is a luau." "All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, sucking pig, some fire dancers." "It's all you need." "Come on in." "Settle in." "Settling..." "Settling..." "And... settled." "Good." "There is something" "I would like to show, everybody." "See this sign?" "No shirt, no shoes, no problem." "This is an attitude" "I would like all of you to have right here." "So what, if we have to say like doing inventory" "No, problem!" "Oh my god, is that Jan?" "What?" "Where?" "On the left." "No, that's a German woman named..." "Urkel Grue." "Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it could get us both in trouble." "So officially," "I did not see her." "But I did see Jan there." "In our room." "At night." "And in the morning." "And that's all I'm gonna say." "Sex." "Sex." "We had sex." "I had sex with her." "I had sex with Jan." "Hey dude." "Just got from Jamaica." "Big whoop." "I was in Hotlanta." "That whole town is whack." "Yea, that sounds amazing." "But you know what?" "The lady, Jan Levinson wanted go to Montego bay." "You took the ice cream?" "I don't buy it." "Well, I'm looking at a photo, right now." "And, I'm telling you, it could be a Maxim." "They wouldn't give you a subscription to Maxim." " Oh, no?" " No." "Okay, well..." "Check this out." "I'm sending you some e-mail." "You got it?" "What a" " No." "I got nothing." "Check it again." "It'll refresh." "Yeah, Mike, still nothing." "Okay, wait a second," "Wait, I just got it from somebody else." "Wow!" "This is god damn!" "I don't like you've had this picture." "Darryl?" "Hey." "Hi, where is Darryl?" "He's in the office." "Hey, man." "How's it going?" "Alright, what's up, Mike?" "Yeah, it's great." "Okay- um" "So, did you get any e-mail from me?" " Yeah" " Okay" "Well, that was supposed to go to Packer, not "packaging."" "Did you already forward it to a whole bunch of people?" " Un-huh" " Okay" "Um- well, did you get the second email that I sent, explaining that the first email was a mistake and that you should delete it?" "Yep." "And you sent that out to everyone?" "Mike, I'm very busy down here." "Yikes." "Already sent it to you, my friend" "Fantastic" "Boring." "Call me if she rolls over." "Hey" "You okay?" "Yeah" "You sure?" "Yeah" "Yes." "Um- just- it's like- it's stupid fight with Karen." "You want to talk about it?" "Really?" "I have a special assignment for you." "Who's the target?" "A sensitive email has been released to the office." "It contains a file..." "A picture... the filename is "Jamaican Jan Sun Princess."" "What's it of?" "Not important." "Unless you're willing to tell me everything," " I cannot accept this assignment." " Okay, forget it." "Okay, I accept it." "So, I don't know," "I just feel we've been dating a month, right?" "Same street?" "I think that might be a little close, a little bit much." "Hmm." ""Hmm," what?" "How far away does she live now, like ten minutes?" "Yeah, I guess." "Honestly, I think you should go easy on her." "No, I didn't mind helping Jim with his problem." "That's what friends do." "I... help Phyllis all the time." "Just yesterday I untangled a piece of tape from her hair." "So, yeah." "Hey." "Thanks, a lot." "Oh, don't worry about it." "I mean, it's better than listening to Michael play a conch shell, which is what I was doing." "Oh, also?" "Michael went to Jamaica with Jan..." "Yeah, how have we not talked about this already?" "I mean, what happened there?" "Kidnapping?" " Hey, I need to talk to you." " Not now." "Not ever." "It's about you and Jan." "Oh, none of your business." "But so the truth is- um" "It seems from that photo that you two have been intimate relationship" "That photo was my personal property" "And if you are telling me that you want my computer to steal that photo," "And I'm going to call the cops." "I have nine different people emailed me that photo, including my ex-wife." "We wanna talk, you know" "Well, this is probably the ice-breaker you need" "You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR." "I bet you'd love all of details." "Wouldn't you, Skeevy little perv." "All right, if you are having a relationship with your superior, you must disclose it." "No, no, no." "I am not dating Jan." "She was very clear about that." "Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on earth." "Got enough?" "Weirdo?" " Alright." "Thank Michael." " Okay" "Hey, we only have three hours, people, to plan the whole luau" "You're not helping." "What are the ingredients for poi?" "I called every grocery stores in Scranton, and no one sells whole pigs." "Did you try to petting zoo?" "Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam." "Just a second." "Michael, it's Jan on the phone waiting." "Oh, God!" "No, no, no, no!" "Hang up." "Hang up." "Tell her I'm not here!" "Don't." "Don't." "I ran out of gas." "I hit a deer!" "I hit a deer with my car." "No, I hit a cat." "Tell her I hit a cat." "He'll call you back." "Okay." "Great." "Do you think she bought it?" "Okay." "Okay." "Michael hit a deer?" "Michael," "Michael, there's an emergency in the warehouse." "An accident?" "Somebody hurt?" "No, it's nasty photograph." "Oh, god." "No, no, no." "Mike, you are a rock star, man." "You are the man!" "Well done!" "Alright, Okay." " That corporate booty" " He likes to hit it!" "Hello, hi." "Attention everyone." "Um- apparently, there is an e-mail circulating around," "That contains very PG-13 rated picture of me." "And, a woman." "Jan" "No, Kevin." "A woman." "Maybe, Jan. Maybe..." "Urkel Grue." "My point is that," "If you get it, I would ask you to just delete it." "sight unseen" "Let's be very professional." "Alright?" ""Feeling... feeling hot hot hot."" "What are you doing out here?" "I live living, you know." "Jan calls, she's coming in here later to talk to you." "Did she say what's about?" "That's all she said." "People in the party, ha-ha-ha!" "I think you drop this." "You sure?" "Definitely." "I have disconnected the office T1 line." "I have ordered that that can be taken down." "And destroyed all print-outs from the bathroom." "There are copies in the bathroom?" "Oh, well- a lot- of them." "I think I owe you one." "Sorry?" "For taking sense into to Halpert." "The Day's Inn room 228 was starting to get really depressing." "Yeah, I know." "Don't worry about it." "I mean, he was being ridiculous." "Yeah." "But thanks." "Seriously." "Sure." "Oh, yes!" "What did I tell you!" "I knew he turned it off!" "You see that?" "This is the greatest time of my life!" "Who did this to you?" "Where is he?" "What?" "No... it's not..." "it's nothing." "It's hot in here." " Yeah" " Yeah" "Thanks." " You don't need to stay here." " I know." "So you're PMS-ing pretty bad, huh?" "Hello, everyone?" " Hello, Michael?" " Hello" "Hi, Jan." "You look... tan." "I was in Scottsdale visiting my sister." "Yeah?" "How was it?" "Very sunny." "Family is important." "Michael, I would like to speak with you." " In your office" " Okay" "Why am I here, Michael?" "Uh, I..." "In the last year" "I've gone through a divorce, an identity theft, a husband who would not... communicate." "This is neither here nor there." "My psychiatrist thinks that I have some self-destructive tendencies and that for once, I should indulge them." "Are you following me?" "Uh, uh, yes." "I think I owe it to myself to find some kind of happiness." "You know, I mean, I mean even if it means lowering my expectations, or... or redefining the word itself..." "Okay, yeah." "This is the thing, you know." "I am attracted to you." "I" " I don't know why, but I am." "And I need to follow my instincts." "At least that's what Dr. Perry thinks." "Who's Dr. Perry?" "I..." "This is the point, okay?" "You're wrong for me." " In- in... every way." " Well, not..." "But I still find myself wanting to... be with you." "And I, to you, in addition, feel, the same feelings, that you are, as well." "Good, good." "So, um- thanks for coming by." "Thank you for taking your time." "Well, thanks for coming over." "I appreciate..." "Wait 15 minutes, find an excuse, and meet me at your condo." "Jan." "You complete me." "Oh, God." "Hey." "Remember when we were planning our honeymoon?" "You wanted to go to Hawaii, and I wanted to go to Mexico." "Yeah." "I was definitely right." "Oh brother." "What am I gonna do?" "I'm gonna hang it up at home." "I don't have a lot of art."