"In New York City on a street in the East Forties, there's an ordinary tailor shop." "Or is it ordinary?" "We entered through the agents' entrance and we are now in U.N.C.L.E. Headquarters." "That's the United Network Command for Law and Enforcement." "U.N.C.L.E. Is an organization consisting of agents of all nationalities." "It's involved in maintaining political and legal order anywhere in the world." "My name is Napoleon Solo." "I'm an enforcement agent in Section Two here." "That's operations and enforcement." "I am Illya Kuryakin." "I'm also an enforcement agent." "Like my friend Napoleon, I go and I do whatever I am told to by our chief." "Huh?" "Oh, yes, Alexander Waverly." "Number 1 in Section One." "In charge of this, our New York headquarters." "It's from here that I send these young men on their various missions." "Tommy." "Tommy." "Tomorrow night?" "That's not my brother." "What do you mean?" "This man's dog tags, his records say he's Airman First Class Tom Blenman." "I don't care about his records." "I know my brother." "And that's not Tommy." "You telegraph me in Seattle, tell me to fly here to Iowa." "You show me some stranger, tell me it's my brother." "Now take it easy, Mr. Blenman." "Is that what you're doing here?" "What about that girl he was with?" "Jill Denison?" "We've talked to her." "Then you won't mind if I talk with her." "What's going on here?" "This man impersonated my brother." "Now he's murdered." "Tommy might be dead." "You expect me to sit while you drag through some routine investigation?" " I know you're upset..." " You better believe it." "I mean to find out about my brother." "I guess the best way is to find out who killed this man first." "Had, Miss Pruit here." "That city fellow just took off like one of Snyder's hounds." "Well, I don't think any harm ought to come to him right now, Had." "Bide your time." "Well, we weren't in love or anything but, oh, well, for something like this to happen, I just can't believe it." "Why not?" "You didn't know anything about that boy." "Not his background or his family." "You didn't know he had a brother until Mr. Blenman knocked on our door." "What's wrong with dating someone you haven't known all your life?" "Well, I mean, at least you don't know what they're gonna say before they say it." "Is that right?" "Well, now you've seen what that can lead to." " Haven't you?" " Aunt Martha, please." "Now you know." "I don't know, I..." "I love to hear about people that I've read about or seen on TV, you know?" "And places that I've never been and probably never will be." "Well, Tommy..." "I mean, well, whoever he was." "I mean, he'd tell me about all the times he was stationed in Panama and West Berlin." "And even New York." "Did he have any civilian friends around here?" " Mm-mm." " None?" "Have we ever met before?" "No." "No, no." "Oh, no, of course not, I..." "Well, you just remind me of someone." "Why, that's Clint Spinner." " Well, come in, Clint." " Afternoon, Martha." " Do." " Well, Jill." "I'll be doggone if you aren't a sight for sore eyes." "Mr. Spinner?" "Mr. Blenman." " It's a pleasure to know you, sir." " How do you do?" "Mr. Spinner just bought the land west of ours." "Now, Jill, don't you go making me out no stranger." "The truth is well, I use to work that farm when I was a boy only then my daddy used to sharecrop it." "I got a little lucky, a wildcat down in Oklahoma and well, I figured that I'd just take some oil money and buy the old place." "You know, sentimental." "That new well, Clint, was it worth the trouble it took?" "It's worth every bit of it." "You can't get that kind of fresh water out of them county pipes." "They always tell me that if you ain't got a well you sure ain't got much of a farm." " Sentimental, huh?" " Sentimental, yeah." "Corny, that's me." "Say, I heard in town that you was coming out to talk to Jill about that poor young airman." "I understand now that he's not your brother." "Yes, yes, that's true." "However, he is the only link I did have with my brother." "Uh..." "I don't understand what it is that you figured she might be able to tell you." "You know I figured it might have something to do with that secret Air Force installation they have here don't you?" " Oh, you mean the S-9?" " The what?" " The S-9, that catapult plane." "Oh, is that what it is?" "Well, what it is ain't the secret." "They got it buried under one of them sliding concrete slabs right here on this farm." "What they got it pointed at, that's the secret." "I'll bet that everyone around here knows what you just told me." "Everybody knows what I know." "We was all right here when they built the thing." "However, young fellow, I think maybe you're barking up the wrong tree." "Maybe." "Guess I'm just looking for a handle." "I'm sorry to have caused you so much trouble." "I appreciate..." "Oh, incidentally, where did he do his skin-diving?" "Skin-diving?" "Yeah, they found a bunch of that scuba equipment in the trunk of his cycle." "That's ridiculous." "He couldn't even swim." "What do you mean, he couldn't swim?" "Well, he couldn't swim." "We went for a picnic down by the lake about a month ago." "And he wouldn't swim." "He was even afraid to try." " This man, what's his real name again?" " Uh, Edward Friedlander, sir." " And definitely dead." " Oh, very dead." "It was a matter of his life or mine, I chose his." "Unfortunate." "Unfortunate and incredible that he should recognize you." "I always thought you had a very common face." "May have been lucky that he slipped away from us in Berlin." "If he hadn't turned up in Iowa, we might never have known there was something going on with that Air Force installation." "And you still have no idea what that something is?" "Or who's behind it, no sir." "He was an expert saboteur." "One of the finest in the world." "And you are unable to trace the airman whose identity he assumed?" " This Thomas Blenman?" " No, sir." "Friedlander's death may force something, though." "Well, the people he worked for will want to know who killed him and why." "They can't afford not to." "Their stake is too big." "That opens up the possibility that they may expose themselves to us." "The file you programmed has been edited for viewing, Mr. Solo." "Thank you, Heather." "Did you get anything out of the girl?" "What girl, sir?" " The girl Friedlander was dating." " Oh, yes, yes." "Jill Denison." "I tell you, I only had a moment with her but I'm sure she'll be very valuable." "Yes, I'm sure she will, Mr. Solo." "A new girl?" "No, sir, no." "I mean in our organization, Mr. Solo." "Oh, no, Heather's been with us almost a year." "She used to be a stewardess." " She rooms with..." " Never mind." "Let's get at it." "Yes." "Now, this is the Denison farm, house, wheat fields, silos." "The shadowed area represents the acre requisitioned by the Air Force for the S-9 installation." "Now, this is a subterranean cross section." "The concrete roof is camouflaged to blend in to the wheat but it's timed so that it will slide open ten seconds before launch." "The plane is locked in a catapult at a 45-degree angle much like a pebble in a slingshot." "Was the impostor ever allowed to enter these underground units?" "No." "He never got closer than walking guard duty topside." "The S-9 is guarded around the clock by Air Force MPs with top security clearance." "Yet we must assume the impostor initiated a relationship with the Denison girl as a cover to allow him more time in proximity to the installation." " Yes, I'd say so." "Is the plane launched by radio signal?" "No, its pilot triggers the launch." "There's an electrical warning system trailing from the plane to ground-control security headquarters to forestall sabotage, malfunction in countdown, etcetera." " Yes." "The Iowa target area has just released a statement to the wire services." "Read it aloud, please." ""Reference:" "Murdered man who posed as Airman First Class Thomas Blenman. "" "News release, quote:" ""Police have just revealed that they have found the murderer. " Unquote." "I'm afraid your slip is showing, Mr. Solo." "You mean the murderer was burned to death on this bed last night." "He must have come back here last night after he arranged the murder." "Chain-smoked until he fell asleep." "Except he forgot to put the last cigarette out." " You can't be sure he killed the airman." " The man had a police record as a bookie." "We found this in his jacket pocket." "In his own handwriting, it shows that the airman was losing and not paying off." "So as far as you're concerned, the case is closed." "When you have a murder and you find the murderer dead, that's usually the case." " What about my brother?" " That's the Air Force's problem." " He's one of their folks." " No, he's one of my folks." "He's my brother." "I'm not gonna let officials bury his disappearance in some cabinet." "I'm with the newspaper." "You making some sort of accusation?" "No, that's not it at all." "Mr. Blenman..." "You can print that Mr. Blenman's mad." "And I'm not leaving until I find out what's going on." "And I don't care where I have to look." "Or who I have to push." "Oh, excuse me, sir." "I was just turning down the bed." "Fine." "Have a good night, sir." "Thank you." "Open Channel D." "Channel D is open." " Had, Miss Pruit here." "You get everything done?" "Yes, I turned down his bed." "Put his Gideon Bible aside the bed." "Yes, the little doohickey is in the showerhead." "No, when they find him, it will look as if he had a heart attack." "The bookmaker was obviously killed and his records forged to close the case on the impostor." "I trust you were appropriately indignant." "Yes, sir." "Particularly to the newspapers." "I needn't remind you you're inviting an attempt on your life." "Isn't that the idea?" "Report any such attempts immediately." "Unless they're successful." "Yes, sir." " Who is it?" "Jill Denison." " Oh, I'm terribly sorry." "I didn't realize..." " No, no, please." "Come in." "Please." "I had a little accident here." "I was lucky I wasn't in the next room there." "One of those lather-shave balms got to too close to the heater and it sort of exploded." "Does that make any sense?" "No." "But nothing makes any sense to me." "Not, not, not Tommy or..." "Or that gambler that they found dead or you." " Me?" " Yes." "I mean..." "Oh, please don't misunderstand." "I mean..." "Well, maybe I'm just a country bumpkin but..." "Somehow I can't..." "I mean, I just can't seem to get it through my head that you are really the man that you say you are." "Does that make any sense?" "Well, it's an interesting idea, yes." "I don't think anyone here is telling the truth about anything." "I mean, not the police or you or even Tommy." "I mean, he wasn't being truthful with me." "Jill, you said something about the police not being entirely honest in this." "Well, I just can't believe that the gambler I mean, well, the bookmaker that they found dead ever really knew Tommy." "I mean, well, Tommy wasn't a gambler." "Well, at least he wasn't that kind of gambler." "What kind of a gambler was he?" "He didn't bet on horses or baseball or anything." "But..." "Well, it was just something about him that..." "Well, you and him..." "I know that you said that he wasn't your brother but..." "Well, there's just something about the two of you that's alike." "Although there really isn't." "Is something wrong?" "No, no, no, it's..." "Really, it's just right." " What is?" "That little smudge on your nose." " Oh." " No, I'll get it." "What are you gonna do?" " Stick out your tongue." " Huh?" "Come on, stick it out." "Close your eyes." "What did you mean when you said that smudge was just right?" "Oh, not really the smudge." "You." "Clean as a country morning." "Mr. Blenman..." "Larry." "Short for Laurence Sylvester." "Gee, I love that perfume you're wearing." "I'm not wearing any." "That's soap." "Oh." "Well, actually, that's what I meant." "Oh, I know I'm supposed to say something clever, but I..." "Jill, I'm a big city salesman." "I meet an awful lot of girls who "say something clever."" "You make me sort of miss someone I've never met." "Does that make sense?" "I wish you wouldn't lie to me, Mr. Blenman." "Laurence Sylvester." "Well, I don't believe that you're a salesman in the big city." "Jill, if you go down the lobby and wait two minutes I'll get dressed, I'll drive you home." "I'll tell you all about myself." "I have my own car, Laurence Sylvester." "Laurence." "It's kind of late." "And besides I want to." "Want to what?" " Drive you home." " Oh." "Yes, well, uh..." "I'll meet you downstairs." "I can't get it open, Laurence." "I see Freud's on my side." "Two minutes." "Larry." "Uh..." "How long will you be staying if well, if you don't find your brother?" "Oh, I'll find him." "If we run out of gas, remember it's your car, not my idea." "That's crazy." "I just had it filled this afternoon." " What's the matter?" " There's a car following us without lights." "Well, how do you know they're following us?" "Because that gas tank didn't empty itself." "They left us just enough to get us alone out here." "Who's they?" "There's no time to explain now." "Out." "Where are they?" "We can't see them but they can see us." "They're using black-light emissions and special finders to pick us up." "Wynken, Blynken and Nod one night Sailed off in a river of crystal light" "Hm?" "The silo." "We used to play in here when I was a little girl." "We weren't supposed to." "Who are those men?" "Why do they wanna kill us?" "I don't know, Jill." "Why are you sending it down?" "If they come here and find it up, they'll know somebody took it up." "If they come here, we'll be trapped." "Not much choice, is there?" "Now, look, Mr. Laurence Sylvester Blenman." "Would you please tell me who you really are?" "Napoleon Solo." "I represent an organization designated as the U.N.C.L.E." "U.N. C..." "U.N.C.L. E?" "Well, isn't that some sort of a spy or secret service organization?" "Yes, something like that." "U.N.C.L.E. Works for all nations." "One of our responsibilities is to suppress any activity that might be a threat world peace." "In Iowa?" "Anywhere." " Frightened?" " Yes." "I mean, no." "I mean, well, because I'm with you." "Does that sound childish?" "Not at all." "I consider it a beautiful compliment." "You remind me so much of Tommy." "Or whatever his name is." "His name was Edward Friedlander." "And he was one of the most expert saboteurs in the world." "You killed him." "Yes." "I had to." "I said you two were alike, I guess that was it." "You were both on different sides but you were both..." "Oh, what's the word?" "The word is "professionals."" "Yeah." "Oh, I don't think I'll never be able to understand what this world's all about." "Well, maybe, maybe he was a bad person but I'll never believe it." "I mean, to me he was he was so full of dreams and so brave and so very much alive." "And, oh, very much like you." " The elevator...!" " Shh." "Hey." "Hey." "They've gone." "It's all right." "You can come out now." "Hey, it's all right, you can come out now." "Jill." "Jill." "Jill, come on, wake up." "Come on." "Come on, wake up, come on." "It's the real Tom Blenman." "He was killed and his body hidden here so Friedlander could take his place." "How far is the lake from here?" "About 15 miles." "Why?" "He was drowned." "Rope burns on his hands." "I don't understand either." "We better try to find a way back to town." "Come on." "Mr. Spinner's place isn't far." "He'll help." "Want some fresh water from Spinners new well?" "No, all I want is to get safely in the house." "Oh, let's not tell Spinner what happened." "We'll say we had some trouble with the car and got messed up." "I'd rather not involve anybody else in our troubles." "Jill, Mr. Blenman?" "Mr. Spinner, our car broke down and..." " Well, come on in, come on in." " Thank you." "I declare, Jill." "You look like you been assorting wildcats." "Why, you sure are a mess." "Well, what did you kids do, try to push it on your hands and knees?" "Yeah, just about." "Listen, can we get a cab?" "A cab?" "Well, shucks, there ain't no sense in that." "I got a whole garage full of automobiles just sitting out there doing nothing." "I'd invite you to stay but I got an oilman up from Dallas." "He's kind of an oddball." "Don't like people to know his comings and goings, you know the type." "Now you kids just stay right here." "I'll have the coupé brought right around." " Make yourselves at home." " Thank you." "That's funny." "I don't think I've ever seen Mr. Spinner so..." " Well, I mean..." " Nervous?" "Lipstick." "On a cigar?" "This doesn't look like any oilman from Dallas I ever heard of." "Well, I don't think that we ought to be meddling in Mr. Spinner's affairs." "All set." "Car will be around in front in a minute." "Oh, uh, you have any news of your brother?" "Yeah, I have." "I'm afraid it's bad news." "Don't believe I understand." "Oh, well, I'm sorry." "I'd rather not say anything until I talk to the sheriff." "Oh, there's the car now." "Is that where you're going now?" "To the sheriff?" "Yeah, that's right." "Come on." "Now, you two drive careful." " What are you doing?" " Later." "Drive up a hundred yards." "Then get out, walk on home and stay off the roads." " Why?" " Because I think Spinner knows what happened to us." "If he does, he's not about to let us get away." "He's probably arranged to have us cut off on the way to town." "Don't worry, Jill." "He's not about to have any trouble too close to home." " Are you gonna go back there?" " Just do as I say, there's no time." "Go on." "Actually, I could have let them go to the police." "You know they have no reason to suspect me." "It is better to be sure." "Nothing will be wrong?" "In a couple of minutes, now, that car should explode and burn." "The police will know it was not an accident." "Not tonight, they won't." "And tomorrow tomorrow we'll be drinking champagne with your brother the new prime minister." "That is if your pilot does his job as well in the morning as I have done up until now." "He has sworn his life to success." "He will not fail." "You are quite efficient." "They should have been far enough away by now that we couldn't have heard that." "Could be my imagination but it won't hurt anything to check around outside." "Jill, over here." "Why did you come back here?" "When the car..." "I thought you might need help." "You might have been killed." "You knew that, didn't you?" "I didn't think about it." " You know how to use one of these?" " I think so." "You don't have to hit anything." "Just keep him busy." "I'll try to make it around the back." "All right." "Jill?" "Well, I see Halloween is a little early this year." "Take it easy." "After all, we're still alive." "I think this tunnel leads from Spinner's well." "The well was just a camouflage to hide the entrance." "That guy in the flying suit, I'd say the S-9 was on the other side of that concrete." "What are they doing?" "I think they're feeding some sort of gas into the base area installation on the other side." " Gas?" " Yeah." "To take care of the Air Force men standing guard there." "It's probably the same stuff they installed in my shower." "I see the two of you made it." "I'm sorry to disappoint you." "That's all right, Jill." "Think nothing of it." "The guards should be dead by now." "Let's get to work on that wall." "The wall!" "Get it down!" "Our digging will not alert the installation's warning system." "As you can see, we bypassed their electrical circuits." "The Air Force won't know that anything is amiss until our pilots is off and winging H- bomb and all." "Winging to somewhere in South America, I take it?" "That's right." "Some friends of mine are standing ready to take over down there." "When the government has been blasted out of existence my friends and I will merely have to walk in and take over." "While the rest of the world watches, huh?" "How long you think you can hold on to that power?" "Who knows?" "However, you are lucky." "It isn't everyone who gets to see the inside of their tomb before they're buried." "It won't be long now." "All right, now, hold this." "Hold it tight." "Even if we do get free, what can we do against all of them?" "There's a whole company of Air Force men sitting beside us." "They can help us if we can just blow the whistle." "What are you doing?" "Cut me loose." " When there's time." "All right, now whatever you do, don't scream." "No, I'm all right." " No, really I am." " All right." "Hey, lieutenant?" "Look what I found." "Allow me." "Hey, who are you?" "I am the guy what brung her." " Mr. Solo?" " Yes." "Will I ever see you again?" "I mean if I ever went to New York on a visit, would you...?" "I mean, would you kind of have a date with me?" "I promise." "Cocktails and dinner at a fine restaurant." "A Broadway play." "Dancing." "Whatever you like." "Oh." "Oh." "Napoleon Solo with his country bumpkin who smells of soap and has never had anything stronger than apple cider." "What would your sophisticated lady friends think?" "Well, I think that they would be very envious of you." "Oh." "You lie so beautifully." "No." "Unfortunately most of my lady friends have kind of a patch-together look." "Twice a week at the beauty salon." "False hairstyle, false hair color false hair..." " Would you please shut up and kiss me?" " Goodbye." " Goodbye, Jill." "You should have slapped his face." "But he only kissed me on the tip of my nose." "Well, I hope he can do better than that when you visit him in New York."