"CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "You know when you find a bee and it's crawling on its last legs?" "I rescue them." "Give it honey." "It's the only thing they eat." "It makes sense when you think about it." "yeah!" "No point just talking to it." "Give it honey." "They're very much a one recipe species." "but... crawling bee?" "As opposed to rehabilitate it?" "!" "you murderer." "We depend on bees." "We need the bees." "So in future I should lure it back?" "Do I get a syringe of honey?" "How do I feed it?" "A teaspoon of honey." "Don't tread on it." "You should be arrested." "LAUGHTER" "You should be locked up...in a hive." "that a bee in his entire lifetime makes a tiny amount of honey?" "just the minutest amount." "But there's lots of them." "You don't have to give much honey to this bee before the world is making a net loss." "That's true." "It's useless." "If you only get one teaspoon of honey from a whole bee's lifetime suddenly there's no honey at all!" "apart from anything else." "Like showing a very tired mason a whole cathedral!" "LAUGHTER" "May..." "APPLAUSE" "let's say you're in between Alan and Dara. what you can do is get what I would term too much honey and you see the bee and you pour molten honey..." "No!" "Hear me out." "OK." "I carry on with NO!" "I've now heard you out." "Yes." "And it's no better." "That's much worse than what I did!" "You're being humane?" "Yeah!" "You're not." "You get a kick out of it." "Drowning the bee ironically in honey..." "You can't drown bees!" ""Is this too much honey?"" "are you?" "but I will follow you and..." "It wasn't him wanting to drown them." "it was!" "He's a bee drowner." "I'd smash them with a hammer." "Get the shoe!"" "Splishy!" "Splashy!" "Very good." "productive debate." "I did one of those Royal Command Performances many years ago." "Anthony Newley wrote a song for the end that we had to do. the super starry stadium that showbiz calls home." "Newley." "Brilliant." "# The London Palladium... # I'd throw myself in the orchestra pit." "Who's with me?" "And you do that thing..." "Is there a word for it musically?" "BLEEP .." "Yeah!" "For what I'm about to mention?" "# That showbiz calls home Have a banana!" "# That showbiz calls home And I love it!" "# That showbiz calls home!" "# What is that?" "The annoying coda." "Yeah." "I don't know what we're talking about any more." "I've lost track." "Who's this Newley man?" "Anthony Newley." "Anthony Newley." "He used to sing with 100 syllables." "# Aa-oh-aaah... # exactly!" "but a very early Artful Dodger." "He was one of the first." "# Aa-oh-aah... # wrote Goldfinger." "because Tony Newley told me himself..." "Ah-oh-aah...!" "Danny." "He won the Oscar for Goldfinger in '64 or '65." "if you ever win... and you will..." "He said the first thing you want to do is go straight to the toilets and look at yourself in the mirror." "I was in the toilets and I'd just won for Goldfinger and Henry Mancini came in" "'Where did you get that melody?" "It's brilliant.'" "Oh!" "He won last year for Moon River." "# Moon river... #" "I just won for..." # Goldfinger!" "# just left him with that." "He wrote the MUSIC for Goldfinger?" "Yeah." "I thought you meant the film." "dear?" "it might benefit you to commit suicide." "Why?" "then get brought back looking the same." "Do it again... get frozen again." "Why not just freeze yourself?" "Why top yourself AND freeze yourself in the hope they'd cured suicide?" "Some day medical science will have moved on to have found some way of dealing with massive gunshot wounds to the head!" "Then I'll score because I'll look great..." "Is the idea that every decade you have a couple of good years?" "Why would you even do that?" "come back in another 100..." "You're not getting my point!" "LAUGHTER" "You started it with serial suicide!" "Why do you have to top yourself first?" "!" "Because you get frozen when you're dead!" "Not when you're alive." "They freeze you when you're alive." "When you're alive?" "!" "Yeah." "How can you be so shocked?" ""When you're alive?" "!" "Kill yourself first!" "like with people's organs." "I don't think they're allowed to freeze you when you're alive." "the freezing would kill you." "I'm thinking..." "But with Alan's plan you'd already be dead." "And then they take your brain out - that's something else he said - and 100 years on they put the brain back in. "You'd look great." "LAUGHTER" "It's going to work!" "Why would you not want Private Gwilym Jenkins of the Royal Welsh Regiment guarding your rose bushes?" "Sean?" "He's a goat." "Is the right answer!" "APPLAUSE Very good." "Very good." "he's a beauty." "You knew that or it was an inspired guess?" "I knew that." "Various regiments were conjoined a few years ago." "And there he is." "Isn't he fine?" "Looks like Satan." "From the royal herd at Windsor." "He's..." "What?" "He said he looks like Satan." "you know." "He does a bit." "You're right." "There's a regiment in Norway where there's a general who's a penguin." "You're right again!" "He was honoured." "of all places." "Or inspected the troops." "with a thing round his neck..." "Looking up the kilts." "Could be." "No." "What was this thing round his neck?" "They couldn't pin a medal on him." "Some seal of office." "A seal as well?" "!" "LAUGHTER a penguin..." "But other regimental mascots include..." "The Irish Guards?" "Leprechaun." "A big dog." "BILL:" "A goldfish." "One of those Irish dogs." "indeed." "The Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders?" "A big cow!" "A haggis!" "No." "Pekinese." "A tiger!" "A big tiger!" "Arrr!" "it's further..." "It's about the same size as the Irish wolfhound and the goat." "The bonsai panther!" "Wales!" "there." "And the Worcestershire and Sherwood Foresters?" "A bottle of sauce." "A wood louse!" "A man dressed as a bottle of sauce." "With his face out like that." "Chaffinch." "Not a...!" "I read that the current North Korean leader... he demands that his duvets are filled with the softest down known to man." "known to man is the chin of a sparrow." "000 sparrow chins stuffed into his duvet." "No..." "Do they shave a live sparrow or do they kill a sparrow?" "Just a tickle under the chin." "Chuck it under the chin." "Stephen fills his duvet with the softest man known to sparrows." "LAUGHTER" "I do." "I do." "Who painted this picture?" "Aaaaow!" Yes?" "Van GOFF." "HOOTER" "We're after..." "I'm going to go Van GOTH." "HOOTER" "Wha...?" "!" "Van GO!" "Van GO?" "HOOTER" "Here's Jimmy!" "Cezanne." "LAUGHTER" "At least you don't lose points for that." "Van HO." "Closer..." "Van HEUGH." "What?" "listen." "We can help you out with that name." "Jack." "Were you aware there's a Dutch version of QI?" "Yes." "Would you like to see the presenter?" "Not really." "He will tell us how the name is pronounced." "Pretty good." "Sho shexy." "Come on!" "The correct Dutch pronunciation is Vincent Van HOCH." "don't try this at home." "Stephen!" "Let's have the next word." "And it's..."grog blossom"." "Would you like to explain what it is?" "This is actually the kind of mould that you get on the inside of a barrel of beer that you have to clean out before you use it again." "Phill?" "I'd like to do it in the style of the out of work actors they had on Call My Bluff." "They'd do their definition in an effort to beg for work." "FLAMBOYANTLY Imagine if you will..." "..a lone figure walking across Hampstead Heath... for he is making his way back from an evening at the inn where he has partaken of mead and other lascivious beverages." "LAUGHTER" "Adorning the chin of said stout fellow were known as..." "Marty Fitch - 01 287 469." "Available for panto." "..grog blossom." "Bravo!" "Excellent." "The true understanding of evolution shows that nature is horrific." "birdsong..." "Mrs Alexander's All Things Bright And Beautiful." "Yes." "Instead it is a vicious struggle for survival... hard life." "Unless they live in zoos." "A life they wouldn't expect in the wild." "Maybe they could let them out of the zoo for a little bit and let them back in the circus." "Mmm..." "I miss a dog pushing a pram." "LAUGHTER aren't you?" "No!" "You are." "You'd have to do the elephant's back story. "This is the elephant's last chance for a career in show business." The elephant in tears." "and the elephant staring at a big pile of ivory." "LAUGHTER" "You are a sick puppy." "Give it some piano keys!" "These?" "Tactless." "my grandad was in show business as well." "it seems that both girls and boys will take more pain from a woman." "They did calibrated tests of putting fingers in a clamp and..." "What?" "!" "..both men and..." "Who volunteers for that?" "But you get to keep the clamp." "Say stop when you can't take it any more."" "women could turn it further." "if there are pleasant pictures on the wall you can take more pain." "That's what art does for us all." "There's a wonderful thing called Stendhal Syndrome." "they faint." "Did we cover that?" "No..." "LAUGHTER" "That's the beauty." "We can do the questions again and again." "That rings a bell. anyway." "you're making friends(!" ") I fear..." "I think Jack better suffer for that one." "women's ability to take different levels of pain alters so they said women were not a reliable test of painkillers..." "This is not good enough" ""and you must factor it in." I've just come back from America." "They have fantastic drugs." "You can buy shedloads." "but in the haemorrhoid aisle." "it is astonishing." "The size of those Walgreens and huge pharmacies." "Unbelievable." "Absolutely staggering." "Is it embarrassing walking down the haemorrhoid aisle?" "It's bad enough if you have to ask for the stuff." "Apparently." "He likes to walk down the haemorrhoid aisle." Yeah!" "dear." "What about exactly an hour?" "Where did the hour...?" "Why did they decide on an hour?" "What was that?" "Why an hour?" "Why not make half an hour an hour?" "24 is divisible in so many ways." "Very factorisable." "Divisible by 2 and 3 and 4 and 6 and 8." "5 and itself." "Only in one dimension." "you can do anything you like." "Bill." "Oh!" "I'm sorry." "it was to have as divisible a system as possible." "you can have decimalised time." "I'm going to make my own." "I've got to cross two of these off!" "Yeah." "Let's have a vote!" "Which ones to cross off?" "3 and 8." "last night..." "You can't have 1 to 10." "We'll never have elevenses ever again." "Nineses!" "Nineses?" "!" "Nineses!" "So how many hours are in your day?" "20. 20 hours of daylight?" "OK." "A hoorar." "A hoor!" "A hoor?" "!" "Hoor!" "A strumpet!" "That is a whore." "20 strumpets!" "Yeah." "Aye!" "It was 12 hours because the Babylonians..." "What do they know?" "They had a base 12 counting system." "But we have 10 fingers." "Yes." "And 10 toes." "And you could count off the sections of time by using your digits." "two... then?" "About six?" "Yeah." "There could be a line in merchandisable metric clocks." "It's the Bill Bailey QI metric clock." "Metric clock." "Yeah." "That's fine." "That'll do me." "We've just done an hour on that topic." "By whose system?" "I think you'll find it's an hour and a bit." "That can only mean one thing - time to move on!" "Where does the extra square in this diagram comes from?" "Those two are the same size." "But there's a white square of bits missing." "How can that be?" "Because some of the triangles..." "Have a look at it happening." "that one goes there and there." "like so." "can it?" "Yet my eyes tell me it is." "It's not even longer?" "No." "It's the same." "there it is." "It is a cheat." "That's witchcraft!" "It is." "it was a magician who discovered this." "subtle cheat." "not straight. so the two triangles are not similar." "One has a bigger area? isn't it?" "Curry's Paradox." "Simply a trick." "The gap appears as the hypotenuse is imperceptibly bent." "Curry's Paradox." "That's nice." "Should you buy the insurance?" "LAUGHTER" "Or just risk it?" "There are the lovely Osmonds." "Aren't they lovely?" "What teeth!" "They were rubbish." "a long-haired lover from Liverpool." "the one they kept in the attic." "Who had terrible teeth." "He had one massive one." "And he wrote all the songs." "He groaned them into a tin can." "It was connected by a piece of string." "Aaaeiiee!" "# Wild horses...nyah!" "Nyah!" "#" "# Crazy horses!" "#" "HOWLING" "You're very bad." "# Paper roses!" "#" "Graham?" "Aa-oooh!" "Behave." "Pull yourselves together at once." "The Church... of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints..." "What a great idea!" "Aaa-ooyah!" "That's a great idea for Dr Who." "Dr Who goes into the attic and finds the elderly secret brother of the Osmonds!" "And that's how they kill off David Tennant!" "Aaargh!" "That's the Christmas show." "Played by Bill Bailey!" "I was buying ties the other day..." "I thought you had them selected. you could have said you spent the day tie boxing." "I know..." "And we laughed(!" ")" "This is the gold you miss if you're not on the street where Stephen is." "I regret it." "At the time..." "It's very nice." "I bet you when he came round..." "LAUGHTER" "When he picked himself back up off the floor... sir?" "Any more of them?" "All right!" "Come up." "I've gone!" "Yeah." "I wish you came in here more often." "Why did it take 300 years to give the giant tortoise a scientific name?" "A scientific name?" "i.e. the Latin name." "It turned out to be Geochelone... giant tortoise?" "We'll leave it with that." "I..." "I was going to say something that now is unusable." "man." "They thought..." "LAUGHTER but closer." "That's so sweet." "But I couldn't get that concept." "Will it be further away or...?" "Further away would be a minute one." "Would they mistake a quite far away normal one for a miniature one?" "Or would...?" "The thing that you're saying is that the tortoise..." "They go that way." "I wouldn't think it was giant." ""It's just one there." "my God!" "It's over there and it's massive!" On a huge beach with no other points of reference." "That's not the reason." "Are they particularly litigious?" "I will sue you." "it wasn't that." "They had another property that was most unfortunate for them." "The tortoises did?" "Yeah." "They were edible." "They were SO edible." "Anyone..." "Anyone who saw one couldn't stop to think of a name for it?" "They had to eat it straightaway?" "One of those..." "I don't know what they're called." "Just get one." "They're very good." "either." "No-one can be bothered." ""Shut up with your Latin." "Eat them!" "No Latin name for Maltesers." "LAUGHTER to Europe." "we're going to take it." "Leave it." "We're taking it back." "There's a ferry coming in to Dover and a bloke going..." "Leaving the door where the tortoise was kept." "there's nine." "We'll eat eight." "But absolutely..." "Come on... and there's one tortoise left." "sir." "Let's just go back and get some more." "We are..." LAUGHTER" "I'm too full. there were dozens of them." "He collected every species in the world and ate that one." "all the beetles... mutton and butter and say how much better they are than all of those things." "No-one had ever eaten anything better." "And the liver and the bone marrow." "Every part of it was delicious." "Whereabouts are they from?" "The tropics." "Are there flights?" "They are now protected!" "All 12 species!" "they can't be. "We've protected them." "No need to look." "Burp!" "however." "Let me tell you about a very extraordinary one." "That bloke is befriending that one." "my pretty." "I'm trying to think of a name for you." "Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2010" "Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk"