"Hundred bucks a plate." "They cannot pour a decent cup of coffee." "Your refined palate for coffee." "Coffee is coffee already." "Really?" "Take a sip." "Doesn't it taste like garbage?" "I don't know how garbage tastes." "It tastes like cof..." "Shut up." "But I have smelled garbage, and I'll tell you what-- this here coffee-- it smells like coffee." "Let's do this thing, huh?" "I'm hearing that someone lifted jewelry from a heist the other day." "You know about that?" "I don't know..." "Don't lie to me like I'm Judge Judy!" "Young people today take no responsibility." "It's the decline of the two-parent household." "What are you talking about?" "My old man left when I was ten." "I turned out fine." "This kid's just a punk." "Okay." "Okay, okay." "I lifted a couple of necklaces, but I still got 'em, I swear." "I got a buddy." "He's keeping 'em in the safe." "All right, you're taking us there." "I don't want no more, uh, little fandangos here." "Wrap up our package." "With what?" "Do I care with what?" "Rope, chain, whatever." "What, his cumberbund?" "We don't got nothing." "You just told us about this." "But if you'd have told us... I'll send you an e-mail next time!" "We're in a commercial establishment, right?" "Find a utility closet." "They got rope, string." "I think he'd be perfect." "His name is Carlo." "The eyes, the hair." "Where you been?" "What do you care?" "Who is it this week?" "It's Connie Tadero's sister." "Can I ask you something?" "I don't want to disturb..." "No." "How are you?" "Not bad." "How you been?" "Um, give us a minute." "Please." "Look at this." "I got a plate of gravy and no macaroni." "My wife's idea." "Low-carb diet." "Oh, yeah." "I tell ya, I meet Dr. Atkins, I'm gonna kill him." "So, how's that thing?" "That thing is good." "We're taking care of it now." "Good, good, good." "Now listen, Beans, not for nuthin', but you know I think you're aces." "You're one of my best earners." "Thanks, Angelo." "I always saw you as kind of a father to me, you know?" "That's why I want you to hear it from me first." "I'm making Mickey Valecci the new captain." "That's, uh...good." "Mickey's good people." "I knew I could count on your support." "Yeah, well, you're like a father to me." "I'll take care of that thing now." "Uh huh." "Enjoy your meat." "All right, Beans." "Hey, I found some duct tape." "I said to make sure he doesn't go anywhere, not wrap him like a Cuban cigar!" "You said, "Wrap."" "It was a figure of speech!" "Why is he in his underwear?" "The tux has to be back;" "he used his mom's credit card." "I'll drop it off on the way;" "it's no big deal." "We kidnap him and make stops along the way?" "Brilliant!" "How you gonna get him out?" "How can he walk looking like a mummy?" "He can hop." "Show the man your hop." "Go on." "Hop up and down or I'll stab you in the leg." "I mean it!" "He can hop." "We got Carmine "The Beans" Pasquale and his crew with Jimmy Amoroso in the trunk." "I think we're the ones that get a big gift." "Attention:" "Crappy Mart shoppers, the store is closed." "Oh, what is this?" "You, let's go." "I'm buying smokes." "Smokin'll kill you or I will." "Now beat it." "What's going on?" "Where's the safe?" "You robbing me?" "No, that's already been done." "We're here to take back what's ours." "I want you guys to know I didn't have nothin' to do with of this." "Asalamalakem." "Bada-bingo!" "Aw, you broke my safe, dog!" "Oh gees." "fbi!" "Freeze!" "I'm not doin' nuthin'." "All right." "Okay." "Look, Carmine, kidnapping, accessory to a jewelry heist, coupled out with your rap sheet, you're looking at 20 years." "Twenty-five..." "Unless you want to play ball." "I could do 20 years standing on my head, boys." "As I'm sure you could." "You know, Carmine, I've got to be honest, lt's devastating." "Tragic." "If Angelo Marcello is worried you'll talk, he might hear you're upset about getting passed over for promotion." "You know how rumors fly." "Like rockets." "To the moon." "Do you take your show on the road?" "Go to schools?" "Keep kids off drugs?" "Because your little puppet show, very entertaining." "Yeah?" "Who do you think is pulling strings?" "Clearly, Angelo Marcello is pulling the strings." "And if he thinks that you're talking, you're going to be doing a lot more time six feet under." "Unless, unless, and I'm just thinking out loud here, but um... unless you actually do talk, then we can at least help you out." "Six accused members of the Marcello crime family, including mafia boss Angelo Marcello, were found guilty today of twelve counts of extortion and racketeering." "Prosecutors credited the victory to testimony of longtime Marcello crime family member," "Carmine "The Beans" Pasquale." "Pasquale is now believed to have entered the Federal Witness Protection Program." "Let's go live not being able to see her great-grandson no more," "Grandma Florentino is gonna be heartbroken." "Oh, please!" "When she came from the old country, the statue said," ""Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses..."" "Know why they huddled?" "She was beatin' the crap out of everybody with that wooden spoon." "You know what, Carmine?" "The place may change, but you'll always be a jerk." "Will you guys shut up?" "Oh!" "You do not talk to me like that." "You know what this is?" "Rap music." "It breeds disrespect like a fungus." "The names these guys have:" "Slim Shady, Puff Daddy." "He goes by P-Diddy for short." "For short?" "Why?" "It takes all day to say "Puff"?" "Oh!" "I'm exhausted." "Look who's talking about names." "They call you Carmine "The Beans."" "Yes, because I grind my own beans for coffee." "A nickname has to be married..." "What?" "You're no longer known as "Carmine The Beans."" "You're George, Linda, and Patrick Cheeseman." "Cheeseman." "What is that, French?" "Who's Patrick?" "Who's George?" "Because I ain't no "George."" "I ain't no "George," either." "I think Linda's a beautiful name." "I always wished my mother had named me Linda." "Should've named you "Chatty Kathy."" "I ain't no "Patrick." They call you "Pat" for short." ""Pat" is a girl's name, and I ain't no name that goes both ways." "Look, we have driver's licenses, birth certificates, bankcards, social security cards, and supermarket rewards cards." "They're all made out to George, Patrick, and Linda Cheeseman." "Well then, I'm going by "Rick," because I ain't no "Pat."" "So, Agent Banks, where we moving to?" "Mr. and Mrs. Cheeseman, I'm Special Agent Tuttle." "Welcome to Utah." "Okay, the arrangements have been made for you to stay in a hotel tonight, then provide you with a vehicle." "How many wives you got?" "You're not a Mormon?" "I am." "The Church hasn't practiced polygamy for 1 00 years." "It's the offshoot groups that still have plural wives." "You'd have to shoot me." "Having one is bad enough." "It'd be nice to have more than one." "Give me a break from you." "I'll grab your bags." "We're right out here." "Take a break." "Fine." "Go ahead." "Find me somebody else." "Preferably someone without a mustache and a bad attitude." "This looks like a whole lot of nothing." "Actually, it was a desert wasteland when the Mormon Pioneers arrived in July of 1 84 7." "Under the leadership of President Brigham Young, the entire area..." "You work for the Park Service or the fbi?" "Patrick, there's a lot to do... lt's Rick!" "There's a lot to do just a day's drive from here." "We've got the Grand Canyon, there's Hollywood, Disneyland..." "Disneyland." "My old man promised to take me and you know what?" "Took off and never came back." "I haven't had much desire to visit there ever since." "I'm afraid it'll bring up too much repressed anger." "Yeah?" "So, take a Prozac like a normal person." "So, what's the neighborhood we're moving into like?" "I received a page." "I have a family emergency." "We'd like to excuse Bishop Harrison who's had to attend to a very important family matter." "Our concluding speaker will be Brother Chris Moore." "Brother Moore." "lt's okay." "Hang on, Brother Moore." "Let me try and get this a little higher for you." "Brothers and sisters, I'm grateful for the opportunity to stand before you this..." "Hang on." "It's moving, it's good." "It's coming." "Thank you." "Sorry to hear about Bishop Harrison's dad." "When are they leaving for the funeral?" "First thing in the morning." "They're worried about how his mom's going to handle the farm alone." "He'll be gone 3-4 weeks to sort things out." "With the bishop gone, does that mean we won't have church?" "No, sweetie, with the bishop gone, your daddy's first counselor to the bishop and he'll be in charge." "He certainly had things under control today, didn't he?" "Thanks for the support there, Jewels." "Anytime, bro." "Exactly when are your parents getting back from the Philippines?" "Two years, ten months." "You got a countdown?" "Technically she is my aunt, but I despise her like a sister." "There's a "SOLD" sign on the Cooper house." "When did that happen?" "I don't know." "It has been vacant for a while." "Be nice to have someone in there." "He had eight stitches." "Yes, I just got off the phone with his wife." "With Bishop Harrison gone for who knows how long, the inmates are running the asylum." "Michael James in charge?" "Please." "Mom." "Sister Johnson's on the phone." "Hold on, Robin." "Mary Jo, did you hear?" "Eight stitches." "What?" "Are you sure?" "When?" "Run to the Cooper's house and see if there's a "SOLD" sign." "Mom." "I wonder who's moving in." "This place is a shoebox!" "It's a great house, George." "We got a satellite, right?" "Actually, we cover the house, but amenities are extra." "The government pays three grand for a military toilet seat, but they can't pop for HBO?" "I can't believe it." "Why not send us to the Amish?" "Because they sent us to the Mormons." "Yeah, same difference." "Honestly, no, it's not." "Right--because the Amish wear black shirts and ride in buggies, but the Mormons wear white shirts and ride bikes." "Completely different." "Okay." "Look, George... I hate that name." "Mr. Cheeseman." "Worse." "This right here is your first month's stipend." "You'll get a few more until you're on your feet." "What do I do for a ride?" "You'll get that red minivan." "Are you kidding me?" "l think it's real cute." "You would." "You drove an AMC Pacer when we met." "I loved it." "I was heartbroken when it got stolen." "You still think it got stole?" "I paid Butch 20 bucks to drive it into the river." "Why are you complaining?" "I bought you a new lroc-Z." "Oh!" "Hi." "I'm Chris Moore." "These clowns are stealing my stuff!" "We're your neighbors." "We're just here to help." "Oh." "Don't break nuthin'." "George, you've got to understand people here are friendlier than what you're normally used to." "Yeah, here two days, and no one has flipped us the bird." "I don't want friendly." "I just want to be left alone." "Hi." "Hi." "I wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood." "Thank you." "Please come in." "Thanks." "Um, I'm Louise Means." "I'm Linda Cheeseman." "This is my husband, George." "Nice to meet you, George." "These are for you." "Thank you." "Have a seat." "Oh, thanks." "So, where did you move from?" "Omaha, Nebraska." "You have a slight Eastern accent." "We're from the eastern side." "So, anything you want to know about the neighborhood or the neighbors?" "I got a question." "You're not going to come knocking on my door 8:00 AM Saturday, are you?" "Why would somebody do that?" "Come on. I know you people." "It's what you do." "You go door-to-door, knock, knock, knock, talking to people, preaching your Mormon Bible." "Meanwhile, inside are staying down trying not to make a noise, so you think we're not home." "So, you're not members?" "Members of what?" "Louise hasn't wasted any time burning up the phone lines letting people know they're not members of the Church." "I just hope she hasn't offended them." "We'll do a little damage control." "We'll show them the rest of us are just regular, normal people." "Um, we can see you've got a lot of unpacking to do." "We didn't want to intrude." "We just wanted to come over and introduce ourselves--say "Hello."" "No, it's no intrusion;" "it's very nice of yous." "Something to drink?" "Oh no." "No, let us get you something." "Okay, great." "Thank you." "I'll get you a beer." "Uh, no." "That's okay." "You said okay." "All right." "Whatever." "How bout you, Toots?" "Um, no, no, I'm fine thanks." "What're you thinking?" "She's not going to be drinking while she's pregnant." "Why not?" "You did." "Actually, we don't drink at all..." "alcohol." "ls that a Mormon thing?" "Yes, we don't drink alcohol." "We got coffee." "Hey, that website I would get my imported coffee from, what was that called?" "I don't know." "I'll Google it." "It's okay, because we don't drink coffee, either." "We'll, go to the kiddy menu." "I'll get you a Coke;" "and you a Diet Coke." "You're not going to believe this." "Um, there's some members of our church that um, choose to drink cola drinks, but Michael and I, we happen to not drink cola drinks." "What do you do for liquid refreshment?" "What, is your mother still nursing you?" "Thank you so much." "Yeah." "Goodnight." "Goodnight." "Nice to meet yous." "Thanks, you too." "Bye-bye." "That was interesting." "Yep." "Uh, hello, ma'am." "I'm Rick Cheeseman." "We just moved in down the street." "I'm Blanche Brinkerhoff." "Nice to meet you." "Blanche, Louise Means is on the phone." "I'll call her back." "I was just walking around meeting the neighbors and uh, I was wondering, do you know those people with the satellite dish?" "That's Bishop Harrison's." "I knocked, but nobody answered." "They're out of town." "Really?" "I see." "Hey, you wouldn't happen to have a ladder and some power tools, would ya?" "I still have homework." "Which you wouldn't have if you hadn't been on the phone." "If I still lived in California, I could see my friends and not worry about making time for phone calls." "And making time to get up earlier to do your homework, because now it's time for bed." "Good night." "I hate this place!" "You know, we need to make an effort and reach out." "Really?" "I was thinking more along the lines of a padded room with a big lock, and the only contact is to slide food through this tiny, little slot." "What?" "I'm talking about dealing with your sister and her attitude." "I was talking about the Cheesemans and their not being members." "What do you mean?" "Well, I've just been thinking." "I know what it feels like to be the minority." "My dad moves us down to the South, and suddenly, I'm the only Mormon in a high school filled with born-again Christians." "I mean, I was voted most likely to burn in hell." "I think dealing with your sister comes in close second to eternal damnation." "Didn't I get you Dr. Phil's book on teenagers?" "You said were going to open it." ""Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives."" "Seriously honey, I know she's your sister, and I love her." "I do; but something has to be done." "Okay." "All right." "I'll, uh, I'll talk to her." "I promise, I'll..." "A little tough love." "You will?" "Sure." "Okay." "Thanks." "And about the Cheesemans, why don't I call Linda tomorrow and see if they want to come to dinner?" "Yes, yes." "Good." "That would be nice." "I just, I don't know, I gotta do something, with the bishop gone-- gotta step it up a notch." "Don't worry." "You're doing a great job." "Don't stress." "The Cheesemans will fit in just fine." "Excuse me, uh." "How you doin'?" "That's my paper." "Oh yeah." "Here you go." "You live here?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "We're neighbors...over there." "That...house." "Yeah, well uh, my wife and I were thinking about coming over tonight or sometime or..." "Do you mind, uh?" "What?" "Oh yeah." "Sure." "That blonde girl." "That's your wife?" "Nice." "Hey, you got one like that, who needs twelve?" "Ugh, this coffee is awful!" "Really?" "What do you mean "really?" You think I'm lyin'?" "Nah, I believe you." "No, no you don't." "You're questioning me." "It wasn't a question." "If there was a stenographer here writing down our little jovial repartee here, she would have typed, "Really" with a question mark." "I've had a lot of stuff read back to me that I said that I didn't remember saying." "I meant I was surprised that it was bad." "How could you?" "Don't you drink it?" "Nah, I don't drink coffee." "Let me guess." "You're Mormon." "Yeah." "Maybe that's why Mormons don't drink it." "Because no one knows how to make a good cup." "You know what, just give me the paper and a Pick Six." "A pick six of what?" "Numbers." "Winners." "You've got to be kidding me." "Besides not making good coffee," "Utah ain't got no lottery either." "They got no horse track." "They got no lottery." "They got nuthin' up here." "How far away is Vegas?" "I don't know, but don't talk about Vegas." "These people are the good, church-goin' type." "That's another thing." "I'll go in there, I'll eat their crappy, white-bread food, but I ain't holding' hands, and I ain't singing' no "Kumbaya."" "Take those off." "These people invite us to dinner." "You're gonna be pleasant." "I'm just sayin', if they bring out the Bible Pictionary--gone." "A perfect game for you;" "no words--all pictures." "That's very funny." "Let me tell you something." "Let me tell you..." "Hi." "The kids are already started." "Everybody, this is the Cheeseman family." "Uh, George, Linda, their son Rick." "Kepi, Laura, a couple of friends." "How ya doin'?" "Nice to meet yous." "You remember Kate." "Hi, so glad you could make it." "And uh, several of the children here." "We've got more running around here someplace." "Shocker!" "Hey, we brought you somethin'." "Oh, thanks." "You shouldn't have, really." "We wanted to." "lt's not booze or nuthin'." "Yoohoo!" "You shake it." "lt's good, right?" "Yeah." "So George, what did you do in Omaha before the move?" "I was in waste management." "Then that's what brought you out here?" "In a manner of speaking, yeah." "How 'bout you, big guy?" "What's your story?" "How's that?" "I haven't seen black people in Utah." "Did you get lost on your way to somewhere?" "No." "I'm not black;" "I'm Tongan." "I don't keep up with the whole politically correct thing." "You know, I mean, first you're Negroes." "Then you're blacks." "Now you're African Americans." "Now you're the Tongans?" "I don't think it's as catchy-- whatever." "No." "I mean I'm from Tonga." "It's a South Pacific island." "Oh, like "Survivor." l love that show." "I bet it's very clean there." "We moved here for my husband's health." "The air is better." "Yeah, there's no cigarette smoke." "Let me ask yous, is that like the body is a temple sort of thing?" "What's that?" "The no smoking." "Oh yeah, yeah." "It's a health code that the Church practices." "I'll tell you something." "I have seen some of the biggest, chunkiest people I have ever seen in my life waddling around Utah." "That was rude to say!" "That's not rude." "It's just, it's the truth." "You've given up smokes;" "you've given up booze." "Maybe should think about giving up baked goods." "Chungaloones over here." "We should have made fruit salad." "No, no." "I don't mean yous." "Fifty, a hundred pounds overweight, that's not a big deal." "I am talking about fat people." "People walk down the street, and you go, "Fat guy!"" "Look at this guy." "He is a fat guy." "Guy on Jerry Springer--1 7 00 pounds." "What does he do for Halloween?" "White sheet over his head and he goes as one of the Alps?" "What?" "This is Michael with Bishop Harrison a few years ago." "Let me ask yous two, are you like what, assistant ministers?" "Well, uh, we're what you call "counselors to the bishop."" "Like the consigliere." "We also have full time jobs too." "Our work at the church is voluntary." "That's right." "That's right." "I know you don't have anything lined up yet." "I mean--l could go into work and talk to my manager about you if you'd like." "Oh, that'd be great." "This is so nice." "Look at all this you got here." "You even saved your kid's hospital id tag from when they was born." "You know what?" "If you're interested, there are a ton of scrapbooking stores around here." "It's really popular." "There's stores where people come to save their junk?" "Oh yeah, they do very well." "Besides, it's not junk." "It's preserving memories." "Preserving memories?" "What are you going to preserve?" "What, old cocktail napkins with guys' phone numbers on 'em?" "Okay." "Who wants desert?" "Sorry about my dad;" "he's kind of got a big mouth." "You know what?" "He's hysterical." "My family is so boring with their domestic-tranquility lifestyle." "Your brother seems like kind of a cool guy." "Yeah, whatever." "He was my last resort." "I lived in California before my parent's moved to the Philippines." "My dad had to become a mission president over there." "So jacked up." "I didn't want to go, so I had to come here." "Your dad was a mission president." "What's that?" "Those guys that come to your door to talk about the Mormon Church." "Mormon missionaries." "Yeah." "Well, the mission president is the really old guy in charge of all those young guys." "I thought it would be cool to give the Mormons the Jehovah's Witnesses' addresses and the Jehovah's Witnesses the Mormons' addresses." "Have 'em go at it-- like religion's version of the Bloods and the Crips." "Do you ski?" "No." "I might do something, if I don't want to die of boredom." "At least you have a satellite dish to entertain you." "You saw that?" "Your secret's safe with me." "Hey, no boys in the room." "You know the rules." "That was at home." "I didn't know that applied here." "Same family, same rules." "I'm sorry, sir." "I didn't mean to disrespect." "You didn't know." "Listen, we've got cake." "Come on." "I'm watching my weight." "Watch it downstairs with us." "Let's go." "Rick, have you thought about going out for sports at the high school?" "Uh, no, probably not." "Really?" "You seem like the kind of guy they could use." "Yeah?" "Like what kind of sports?" "You know, the regular ones." "Baseball, basketball, wrestling..." "Wrestling?" "You mean like, you know, busting heads, fightin'?" "Well, it's not like on TV." "No, no, no." "It's fighting." "The beauty is, it's sanctioned by the school." "They let you!" "Beat the crap out of kids, and I don't get calls from some p.o.'d vice principal sayin'," ""Your kid beat up this one, he threatened this guy over here."" "No fuss." "I'm not involved with you." "I love it!" "Love it!" "But it's not fighting." "No, no, it's not fighting at all." "Wink, wink, nod, nod." "I getcha." "Brother Cheeseman, will you read us a story?" "Oh, so you're a brother already?" "You know what, sweetheart?" "George is visiting." "Let's leave him alone." "Yeah, I can uh, yeah, I can read a story to children." "What is this?" ""The Three Little Pigs?"" "I don't need a book." "I know this story!" "You ready to hear it?" "All right." "Once upon a time there were three little pigs:" "Antonio, Joseppi, and Fredo." "Antonio, he lived in a straw house." "And Fredo, nice brick house with the cobblestone driveway and the lights underneath that show the trees at night-- adds to the curb appeal." "One day, Antonio, in the straw house, is sittin' around, picking' his teeth, watchin' television, when he hears a knock on the door." "It's a soft knock." "The door's made of straw." "Outside he hears, "Big Bad Wolf," ""l'm here to collect my protection money."" "This is money that the wolf charges them every month not to eat them." "Protection money." "They'd give money in an envelope." "Antonio was just sick of it." "He doesn't want to pay the wolf." "So Antonio says, "Forget it!" "I'm not payin' you anymore!"" "Now, this of course, makes the wolf very irate." "So, he says, "l am gonna huff, I am gonna puff, and I am gonna b-b-b-b-blow your house down!"" "Antonio is very, very upset, and the wolf huffs and he puffs...blows it down." "Now, Antonio is losing his little pig mind, running around screaming and yelling." "His house is ruined." "He's got no insurance." "He runs to his buddy Joseppi's house." "Boom, boom, boom." ""He blew it d--" -"Yes, he blew it down!" "Come on inside, sit down, have an espresso, relax."" "They're freakin' out." "Next thing you know-- boom, boom, boom." "Who do you think it is?" "Big Bad Wolf." "Exactly." "The Big Bad Wolf." "Wolf says, "All right, I'm a huff." "I'm a puff, and I'm gonna-- b-b-blow your house down!"" "There's sticks all over the street." "People are slipping and falling-- like a John Woo film." "It's crazy!" "Now these two pigs are out of their...minds." "Don't know what to do." "They run to their buddy Fredo's with the big brick house." "Boom, boom." "He blew down our house." "Fredo says, "All right, come in."" ""Help." "He's gonna cut us." "He's gonna eat us."" "Fredo's like, "Please, have an espresso?" ""Calm down." "Relax." "I'll take care of it."" "Fredo is as cool as a cucumber." "Walks over to the phone." "He dials some associates and hangs up the phone." "The next thing you know..." "big black Cadillac limo pulls up in front of Fredo's brick house." "Two Goomba pigs in dark suits get out." "They say," ""Excuse me." "You the Big Bad Wolf?"" "He says, "Yeah."" "They pick him up by his lapels and start bangin' him against the side of the house, cracking' his brain against the wall!" "Then the pig reaches into his pocket, pulls out his 9mm, puts it against the wolf's temple--badabing!" "They blow his brains all over his suit." "Boom!" "Uh, George, I think we're..." "This is the best part." "I think we probably..." "This is the best part!" "Trust me!" "Then Antonio and Joseppi they go, "Fredo, who was that?"" "Fredo goes, "Ah, those guys?" "Those are my cousins, The Guinea Pigs."" "Guinea Pigs..." "Never mind." "The End!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Good kids, good kids." "Hey, tell you what kids, here." "Go get yourselves some ice cream." "That's fine." "Seriously." "What, it's ice cream?" "They get an allowance..." "garbage and things they do..." "Eh, it's thirty bucks." "It's no big deal." "Well..." "Hey, how are you?" "Good to see you." "So, what's goin' on with that thing?" "I looked into the thing." "And?" "I talked to the guy;" "he said it's early 20th century, maybe you'll get $200 - $300 at auction." "Stinkin' "Antiques Road Show"!" "Getting everybody's hopes up like that." "My Aunt Adeline--87 years old." "She's up in the attic." "She's looking for things to bring." "Unbelievable!" "What about that other thing?" "Don't worry about that other thing." "We're gonna find Carmine, and we're gonna kill 'im." "Kill 'im twice." "...his glorious resurrection and ascension into heaven, and ready to greet him when he comes again." "We offer you in thanksgiving this holy and living sacrifice." "Excuse me." "Father, not for nuthin', but it's just the two of us?" "Nobody else?" "There was an altar boy once, but he left for college." "My husband said yous guys was comin' over." "What?" "I can't... I... I said, "My husband said yous guys was comin'..."" "Hey, where'd you go?" "I came home from church and went to the store." "You get the capicola?" "Excuse me;" "I'm trying to have a conversation here." "With who?" "These are the seven-thirties." "If you'll...just stand there, I'll do that." "We're not a "big box" here." "I like to call it a customized store." "So, you'll find seven-thirties, three-eighties..." "Brother James." "President Perry, good to see you." "How are you?" "I'm fine." "My wife has me fixing the gate, and I'm looking for some specific hinges." "Yes, yes." "Hinges, I can take care of that." "Let me introduce you to George here, first." "He just moved in a few weeks ago." "This is President Perry." "He's a stake president, we call that." "He's a sort of the leader of many of the local congregations." "Like a president." "Like president of the Mormons?" "Something like that, yeah." "What, you want to be the teamsters now?" "The Mormon Jimmy Hoffa?" "Did I mention that George is from Omaha?" "My son served a mission to Omaha." "Bet he knocked on your door." "Well, if he did, I didn't answer it, Mr. Hoffa." "The hinge aisle, President, is just over in this area." "l'll take care of this." "Great." "Nice to have met you." "Wife's got 'im working." "Yeah, what?" "Can get this cut in half?" "Here." "You don't got a saw at home?" "All right." "You want it exactly in half?" "Preferably." "As close as you can get." "You have used one of these before?" "Yeah, but not to cut wood." "Kate." "Oh, Louise, you startled me." "I'm sorry." "I'm just out for my morning stroll." "I noticed when the postman put the mail in, the postcard from your in-laws in the Philippines." "Oh." "It's nice to see things are going well for them." "Thank you." "Yeah, you know, normally I'm not one to pry into other people's affairs." "No, of course not." "I thought you should know, the other night I was taking a walk, and um, minding my own business, of course..." "Of course." "with the Cheeseman boy." "And?" "He's not a member of the Church." "Ah." "Who knows what his values are." "I mean, to encourage them to socialize." "I mean really." "Well, I thought that you and your husband, with him being in a position of leadership, would want to set the standard for the community, you know." "You know what, Louise?" "We are setting a standard." "We had the Cheesemans over for dinner." "It's called "friendshipping."" "You know what?" "You should try it sometime." "l see." "Hmmm, I hope so." "Patricia?" "Yeah, it's Louise." "The end of your first big day." "Bringin' home the bacon." "My old man used to say success comes in a pair of overalls and works eight hours a day." "It feels good." "Do you feel that?" "lt feels good." "Yeah." "All right." "I'll see you tomorrow." "Eight hours a day, forty hours a week!" "How do you people do it?" "Huh?" "Good afternoon, ma'am." "I'm looking for the owner." "Yes, I'm the owner, Francis Eastlack." "Mrs. Eastlack, I'm Brigham Smith from Scrapbookers Local 327." "From where?" "Scrapbookers 327." "It's the local scrapbooking union." "I didn't know scrapbookers had a union." "Well, you're supposed to." "You're also supposed to pay your union dues." "Union dues?" "Yes, ma'am." "How many employees do you have?" "Six." "Two full time and four part-time." "Well, as you know, it's $50 a month per person." "That's for the full-timers." "For part-timers we have to charge double dues because we find that they exert a bigger suck on the pension and health programs." "So, that's two workers at $50 a month, four at a $1 00 a month." "That's $500 a month you have to pay." "l have to pay?" "Yes, ma'am." "I thought employees paid for things like that." "What kind of money do employees make?" "Minimum wage." "And it looks like you're doing pretty well here." "It's a beautiful store." "Well, yes." "That's why you're responsible." "Let's talk about back dues." "Now, unfortunately, I'm not able to wipe out an entire 1 2-month period of back dues." "However, what I can do is I can only go back three months." "So, that's this month plus three months of back dues." "That would be $2,000 you have to pay." "That's a lot of money!" "is it Mrs. Eastlack?" "is it really?" "Don't you think it's in everyone's best interest?" "You wouldn't want a strike now, would you?" "Strike?" "Oh yes, ma'am." "Your employees parading up and down that beautiful sidewalk, carrying large signs, and screaming about how unfairly they're being treated." "We are very fair." "Exactly." "That's why you have to pay the $2,000." "Well, will you take a check?" "Do you have a driver's license and a major credit card?" "What can I get you?" "Yeah, could I get a pound of your capicola?" "I'm sorry?" "Capicola." "Produce section is back there." "It's not produce; it's ham." "We have boiled ham." "I don't want boiled ham." "I want capicola ham." "Hey, uh...do we have any uh..." "cappuccino ham?" "Capicola!" "Yeah, that." "It's a ham." "We have boiled ham." "I don't want boiled ham." "I want cap...never mind." "Oh great!" "Name brand." "What is this, detergent?" "What happened to the Pop-Tarts?" "Hey, Kate." "Linda." "Hi." "Are you okay?" "Oh, hi." "No. lt's nuthin'." "I'm fine." "Honestly." "Oh, honey." "Honey, what is it?" "Back home l had my friends and family." "Out here I got nuthin'." "Not even good meat." "Oh, sweetie." "But you've got a wonderful husband and son." "My husband?" "He's more like that college roommate when you couldn't wait for the end of the semester so everybody could move out." "Except with him I ain't never graduating'." "Oh, hey." "Thank you." "Oh." "You people are so nice." "There's such a good feelin' about you." "Look, Linda, would you like to come to church with us on Sunday?" "I mean, just come out and meet a few more people." "You could make new friends." "Yeah." "Okay." "He hit someone." "Uh-huh." "So what?" "It's wrestling." "Yeah, I know it's not fighting." "Wink, wink, nod, nod." "I get that, all right." "What do you mean, "No I don't"?" "You callin' me stupid?" "You know, I may drive a minivan, it's short, but it ain't yellow." "Who was that?" "The high school vice principal." "What's his problem?" "Eh, he's upset that he's only number two." "You know, Buzz Aldrin never got over it either." "Oh, and your kid hit some other kid." "I don't know." "What?" "It was wrestling tryouts." "Oh, did he make the team?" "I'll get the update from him when he gets home." "So you know, Michael and Kate Jaymes invited us to go to church Sunday." "What?" "I don't go to my own church." "I'm gonna go to somebody else's?" "It's not like we're gonna convert." "This is a different world." "I would like to know people." "I'm sure they are curious about who we are." "Who are you talking about, neighbors or the extraterrestrials?" "Carmine Zindeli Pasquale, this Sunday you are gonna get dressed, your son is gonna get dressed, and we are goin' to church like a happy, normal family." "Fine." "Steve and I are going skiing." "Do you want to go with?" "Third wheel?" "I'll pass." "Another fun weekend for me here in Happy Valley." "If there was four of us..." "Kopi Luac?" "Oh, hey." "Yeah, it's this special coffee my dad likes." "He wanted me to order it." "He's a freak about this stuff." "He grinds his own coffee beans." "Wow!" "Yeah." "What happened to you yesterday?" "Yeah, Kate told me." "You guys came to church?" "Uh-huh." "I faked a massive stomachache." "Sorry you had to suffer through it." "No, everyone was real nice." "I kinda liked it." "You're kidding me." "It was cool." "Your brother asked me to a paintball thing the guys from church are having in the mountains." "I'm gonna go." "Great." "Let's go guys." "Manja." "ls this my package?" "lt came today." "And this is the first I'm hearin'?" "What, are you that desperate for a coffee fix?" "Pineapple?" "Pineapple?" "Who puts pineapple on a pizza?" "Canadian bacon and pineapple." "It's very popular here." "Folks said to try it." "You don't put pineapple on a pizza!" "It's like putting pepperoni in a fruit cocktail!" "It's something you don't do!" "I wanted to try something new." "I though we were havin' manicotti." "I needed something easy, I'm goin' out tonight." "There's a women's night at the church." "What church?" "The Mormon Church." "With the Mormon Church?" "You were there Sunday." "So?" "There's something tonight." "Kate invited me." "...Fruit on pizza?" "What, you gonna be a Mormon now?" "No, but now I have friends." "It's nice to socialize." "With them?" "With June Cleaver?" "It's Nick at Night with these people." "And what's wrong with that?" "They have values!" "Hey, take those off." "Leave the kid alone, will you?" "It would be nice to have some dinner conversation." "He's got nothing to say!" "You got something to say?" "Bop!" "Nuthin'!" "Some guys from Church are havin' this paintball thing in the mountains." "Kids your age?" "It's the guys." "It's some father and sons." "Michael asked if we wanted to go." "You have got to be kidding me." "You wanna go runnin' in the mountains playin' Hide and Seek with Mormons?" "What's the matter?" "It would be nice, yous getting together and doin' something fun like that." "Why do I wanna go?" "I got a house." "It's freezing cold outside." "I'm not goin'." "That happened with the Donner Party." "Them people--they froze." "They ended up putting themselves on their own pizza." "You know what, this is... I'm outta here." "Forget it." "I'm gonna go get something to eat somewhere else, and not in the woods." "Let me get this straight." "You're telling me you are the largest wholesale distributor of scrapbooking materials in the entire state of Utah?" "And most of Idaho." "No kiddin'." "Where you were from again?" "Save All Memories of the Children." "What is that?" "You heard of "Save the Children?"" "Well, we save all the memories." "What our organization does, in a nutshell, is we raise money for underprivileged children all around the globe, so that they can keep a scrapbook." "These little tikes, they're gonna grow up, they're gonna' become doctors and lawyers and such, and with these scrapbooks, they're gonna be able to refer back and see how far they've come." "That's very considerate." "I agree." "How else we gonna know about these kids?" "You've seen them." "It's truly sad, with the bloated bellies and the flies flying' around them." "How we gonna know bout 'em if there ain't someone there takin' pictures while the flies are buzzin'?" "We'd be more than happy to donate scrapbooking materials." "I appreciate that;" "I really do." "Thing is, we already got us a government contract to purchase the scrapbooking' supplies." "All we're looking for quite frankly, and there ain't no way to sugarcoat it, is financial donations." "It's for the children." "Yeah, Salt Lake City to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil." "This Friday." "Do ya got something in the morning?" "I'll take that." "First class." "One seat." "And, no." "One way." "Yes." "You know, Rick, after dinner we'll check out the paintballing equipment if you'd like." "Hey, thanks." "And thanks for letting me stay for dinner." "Oh, it's our pleasure." "But shouldn't you call your parents so they know you're here?" "Oh no, that's fine." "They got into another fight." "Dad took off and Mom drank a whole bottle of white zinfandel." "She's facedown, you know, wasted." "So this works out fine." "So you ever actually played paintball before, Rick?" "Oh, no." "Really?" "Not everyone's Rambo." "Some people lead civilized lives indoors." "It's a shame your dad couldn't make it with us." "He told me about his doctor's appointment." "He told you he had an appointment?" "Yeah, that's why he won't be coming paintballing with us." "I thought this was going to stay in the family, but I guess we can confide in you." "Why, what's wrong?" "Well, Dad--Dad's got to get a colonoscopy." "Oooh, wow!" "What's a colonoscopy?" "Look on the Internet." "No, no, no, no." "It's just a doctor's appointment, honey." "Look Rick, I don't want you to worry." "It's probably nothing, really." "I had an uncle;" "he had a colonoscopy." "It was a buffalo head nickel that he'd swallowed when he was two years old." "They got it back too." "Mint condition." "Thing tripled in value." "There isn't a paintballing merit badge yet, but some are working on it." "I like to use this space to practice." "We'll set up targets." "Have you ever actually shot a gun before, Rick?" "Well, uh..." "Well, it's pretty easy." "Use the rifleman approach-- the Chuck Connors." "Keen-haw, keen-haw." "I like that." "Some prefer sort of the delicate Princess Leah sort of a feel." "You know what I mean?" "You're right." "That's pretty cool." "Look at that, yeah." "I was thinking of having that painted soon." "I'll put up some targets to shoot at." "How bout that?" "Hey, it's pretty fun." "Ahhh!" "Yeah, you're right." "That was fun." "Yeah." "Hey." "Hey." "What's your problem?" "You've been acting weird all day." "My problem is when friends come and spend the night hanging out with my brother." "So?" "You was hangin' out too." "A good time is not to hang out with my brother." "I had a good time." "If a good time is hangin' out with my brother, you've got problems." "You said you had the problem." "l did." "Shhh." "Look, my brother is a complete dork." "And his wife is this little homemaking Nazi." "Your brother and wife are good people, and probably your mom and dad too." "You want nuthin' to do with them?" "That's another problem you got." "Technically, that's just an extension of the problem." "Shhh!" "Well, then you got one really big problem." "All right, I'm goin' to lunch." "Hello." "George, it's Special Agent Tuttle." "Hey, how you doin'?" "[faking bad phone connection ]" "We need to talk." "Come on." "I just started lunch hour." "That's perfect." "Let's go." "is your car parked out front?" "All right, fine!" "Fine!" "I did the scrapbooking thing." "Big deal!" "You're doing scrapbooking?" "See, that is so cool." "This going straight thing has worked for you." "It's opened up a myriad of hobbies and interests." "When I got married, we started scrapbooking." "Then we took scrapbooking and combined it with genealogy and made books..." "La, la, la, la, la." "You see this?" "This is my "don't care" face." "Now, we're not here for the scrapbooking thing?" "What are you doin' here then?" "All right." "Agents in Atlantic City collared a Rocky Delfurio on a calling card scam." "Do you know him?" "Yeah, he's like, he's an old-timer with Gagliano's crew, right?" "Right." "He wanted to cut a deal in exchange for information." "Everybody's a stool pigeon." "He actually had a lot to offer, George." "He lead investigators to an area in the Pine Barrens." "There were an old farm and well, it had been dried up for years." "There was a concrete slab placed over the top of it." "It was at the bottom of the well... they found the remains of your father." "I'm so sorry, George." "At the time your father was involved in some importing operation." "A guy named Jimmy lanucci tried to muscle in." "Your father and lanucci had some words, and one thing lead to another." "Ianucci's been doing a 1 2 to 1 5 on another wrap in Tallahassee." "He's up for parole in six months but he's not going anywhere now." "The office sent me all of your father's personal effects to give you." "There's a gold necklace with a gold crucifix." "A gold ring." "A gold chain with a squiggly thing." "A money clip, no money." "Gold, though." "A gold watch." "Gold bracelets." "Something else gold, I don't know what that is." "Your father's billfold with driver's license and credit cards." "And a travel brochure to Disneyland" "with three plane tickets to Los Angeles." "There you go." "Thanks." "So you got that doctor's appointment this weekend?" "Uh, yeah." "You know, I'm sure it's nothing to worry about, really." "Rick, he told me everything." "He's concerned." "What are you talking about?" "Look, I know it's a sensitive subject, and I want you to know I feel for you." "I had an uncle who had a colonoscopy." "So?" "Look, I want you to know if anything unusual comes up that we are here for you." "Look." "I'm not having a colonoscopy." "You're not?" "No." "You know, George, you're over 40." "I mean, this is the time..." "We are not having this discussion!" "Ignoring the situation isn't going to make it actually..." "You know what, I'm sure your doctor..." "All right, you know what?" "I lied." "I made it up." "I got no doctor's appointment, no colonoscopy, nuthin'." "I made it up so I wouldn't have to go out with you into the woods to play army patrol." "Happy?" "Okay." "You know, Rick is really excited." "Let me ask you a question." "Why do you care about me and my family, huh?" "What is your..." "You get me this job, you bring me to church, you invite us to dinner, and now you inviting me into the woods." "What, you need more converts?" "There aren't enough Mormons in this state?" "No, no, George, it's not anything like that, really." "I just--l consider you a friend." "I want you to feel like part..." "Oh no, I do." "I do." "Every time we go walkin' people close their drapes when they see us." "Part of the community?" "Ah, see, you know, there's a saying about Mormons by Mormons, and it says that the Church is true, the people aren't--necessarily." "And what does that mean?" "But I suppose you think you're great?" "No, George, I don't think anything about myself." "I'm sorry." "I just--l just happen to think that you're a great guy." "You have a great family, and I want you to feel happy here." "That's all." "Five." "We're going in!" "Put your bike down!" "In an approved parking place!" "The guy said I should test drive this thing before this weekend." "So you're going?" "Yeah. I got you one too." "Give it a shot." "All right." "There's a safety on it." "Right here." "Here?" "Push that button." "All right." "Show me what you got." "Just go?" "Go!" "What's all this?" "You look like Darth Vader and G.l. Joe had a kid." "Hey, Dad's going paintballing too!" "Really?" "That's good to hear." "You know what?" "It's gonna be cold." "You know how to start a fire?" "l set a few." "Okay." "Hey, how you doin'?" "Oh, hey." "We're the missionaries from" "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints." "Got it." "Who were those people you were talking to?" "Oh, that was the Mormon missionaries." "Are you kiddin'?" "Who are they preaching' to?" "Everyone's already Mormon." "We're not." "They're gonna be comin' here, talking to us?" "No, I took care of it." "I told them this wasn't where l lived." "I gave them another address to someplace else." "I love it." "Okay guys." "Okay guys." "Listen up." "You got your teams." "You know the rules." "First team to get the other team's flag and brings it home wins." "Let's move." "All right, let's go." "Hey, I gotta go to the bathroom before we get started." "All right." "Take care of it." "Well, where'd you put it?" "Are you kiddin' me?" "It's pretty much anywhere." "I mean as long as it's away from camp." "No, no--you're not hearing me." "It's morning time." "I gotta go to the bathroom." "Oh!" "I got a fire in the hole here!" "All right!" "They're your woods." "Wherever I want." "Wherever I want." "I want four walls, a newspaper, and my toilet seat that plays "That's Amore."" "That's what I want." "Aw!" "Who clipped you guys?" "I don't know." "It was a blur." "Never even heard it comin'." "You must have seen it." "This act does not go unpunished." "Give me a name." "Give me the name!" "I'm hazy." "Give me the name." "Robby." "You're a good kid." "Let's go." "Why're you cryin' kid?" "Because I want to keep playing." "What's your name?" "Robby." "Robby, huh?" "If I wanted to shoot you Robby, you'd be dead already, right?" "That's a nice gun you got." "What is this?" "Granola." "Granola?" "You're a kid." "You should be eating candy and popcorn and crap." "I like it though;" "I like the granola." "I'll tell you what I'm gonna do." "I'm not gonna shoot you." "But you tell us where your home base is so we can capture your flag and win." "It's the other side of the hill." "Don't lie to me kid!" "I'm not lying." "My sixth sense tells me when people are lying, especially little kids!" "I'm gonna ask you one more time!" "Where is your home base?" "I'm not lying." "All right." "I'm gonna shoot you." "Your day's over." "Okay, it's on the other side of the stream down by the cliffs." "Okay." "Good." "Don't be stupid." "Ah, man!" "Now I can't keep playing." "Yeah." "That's the point." "But, I didn't shoot you, did I?" "Let's go." "Hey, what should I do with this?" "Leave the gun;" "take the granola." "Punk." "You have fun?" "Yeah, I did." "It was great." "It was fun, huh?" "Did you see me drinkin' coffee so the Mormons wouldn't see me?" "Yeah, that's not all you was doin'." "See that kid?" "Comes around the big boulder and sees me squatting' there?" "The look on his face." "I love it." "You know what?" "I got a good idea." "Why don't we go home, get cleaned up, and take your ma to dinner?" "Yeah, where?" "Know where l wish we could go?" "Naples." "Route 45." "Get a big panzorotti." "Baked or fried?" "Who you talking to?" "Deep-fried." "Remember?" "But you know what?" "I'll bet nobody's got no Naples, and nobody knows nuthin' about no panzorotti." "Isn't that a sports car?" "No." "That's a Maserati." "I said panzorotti." "It's like, picture this." "Take a pizza, fold it, throw meat and cheese inside, deep fry it, done." "Oh, you mean a calzone?" "No." "No." "Look at me." "Does it not look like I know the difference between a panzorotti and a calzone?" "Maybe I don't know the difference." "Bingo!" "Nathan." "I'll tell you, today's your lucky day." "You're gonna learn." "Get me an apron;" "I'll show you how to make panzorotti." "I'm gonna show you once, so pay attention." "All right?" "All right." "First thing you do, you turn the dough into crust." "Roll it out nice." "Make a nice ball." "Nice thin crust; that's the key." "Throw in your red sauce, around the edge, not too much." "You throw in your sausage, your pepperoni, then your..." "What is this?" "A pineapple." "Pineapple." "Now it's garbage." "Fold it over." "You make your seam." "You throw it in your deep fryer." "Nice and brown." "Like that, right?" "Then you stuff it in your face." "Yeah, Mike is covered in paint, and we find the kid." "Dad makes him tell where his base is." "No loyalty, this kid." "Total stool pigeon." "Boo hoo, I just want to keep playing the game." "He told us everything." "I would've blasted him right off." "You see?" "That's the problem with kids today." "It's all about the violence." "Be smart." "True coercion is an art form;" "it all starts up here." "So we find the flag, we grab it and start booking it for camp." "I'm glad you twos had a good time." "We did, didn't we?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I was thinking maybe...spring comes, it gets a little warmer up in the woods, the three of us, we go, do like a camping weekend." "For real?" "I don't think so." "You two go." "I have a house." "Why do I wanna go?" "Ah, very funny." "We'll start out slow." "We'll finish dinner, go home, open windows, and we can snuggle up in the same sleeping bag." "Hey, too much information people." "I'm headin' to the bathroom, kinda like Dad in the woods." "We're not goin' there." "You already did." "Um, um!" "This is so good!" "My compliments to the chef." "What do you think?" "Tomorrow we get all dressed up and the three of us, we go to church together like a family." "Not for nuthin', but what's gotten into you, George Cheeseman?" "I don't know." "That's for me to know and for you to find out." "Give to your people the joy of continual health in mind and body with the prayers of the Virgin Mary to help us." "Guide us through the sorrows of this life to eternal happiness in the life to come." "I told you it's a hi-tech world, and we gotta get an it guy?" "The jamook who every time I got a problem with my computer tells me to turn it off and on." "I get to thinking, that special coffee" "Carmine always says he can't live without..." "Uh-hmh." "I get the computer geek to go on the Internet and do some research." "There's a half dozen or so home addresses in the U.S." "for somebody ordering that special coffee." "But there's only one out West just started ordering the same time Carmine goes into hiding." "I want you to handle this personally." "Already bought the plane tickets." "I'm goin'." "And I'm bringin' Rocco Mancusso with me." "This time tomorrow, Carmine Pasquale will be a dead man." "This stuff's pretty good." "I think they call it "fry sauce."" "It tastes like ketchup and mayonnaise." "Thought you were on a diet." "I'm working on it." "Look at this." "What do we got here?" "What?" "There." "The van." "It's the wife." "Look at this." "She must work out." "Oh, look at this." "The groceries;" "a nice, happy family." "Not for long." "Hi, babe." "Hey." "You need some help?" "There he is." "That's him, that rat fink Carmine Pasquale." "Come on, let's go." "What, are you nuts?" "It's Little Nicky." "Do you got everything?" "CALL THE FEDS!" "He made us." "Come on." "Let's get outta here." "Move over this thing!" "On the left." "What?" "Would you go left?" "All right!" "Me shut up?" "What are you gonna do?" "Straight." "Well, this is a stroke of genius." "He's just disappeared." "All these houses look alike to me." "How can we lose 'im?" "Right there." "Quick, quick!" "Make a right." "Rest assured, you were our last resort." "Good to see you." "Are Rick and Linda coming?" "No." "By myself." "Are you okay?" "You seem a little rushed." "I'm fine." "Listen, do you have like a...a basement?" "No, no, we have Sunday School, however, that's starting." "Listen, we also have a church social next week." "This is a Mormon church." "Yeah?" "So what?" "It's supposed to be some kinda cult." "What are you talking about "cult"?" "Would you come on?" "Hello." "Are you brethren visiting with us today?" "Uh...yeah, yeah sure." "Good, good, good." "Come on." "Now, here's our Sunday School class." "I'd like to welcome everybody out to Sunday School today." "Do we have any visitors with us?" "We've seen you here before, but would you mind standing up and introducing yourself again?" "I don't want to." "Come on. lt's easy." "It's the thing we do." "I'm George Cheeseman." "George Cheeseman?" "Thank you, George." "And you two brethren back there, I don't believe we've met you before." "Go on, please, introduce yourselves." "Yeah...my name is uh..." "Robert de Niro." "Rocco Mancusso." "Pleased to meet you." "Nice to have you." "Why didn't you use a made-up name?" "You took mine." "Okay, lets all turn to John chapter eight." "You know what?" "I left my Bible in my other church." "Me too." "Come on." "Open up!" "Give me the keys." "l don't have the keys." "Oh!" "There they are." "Where?" "They're in the car." "We got you now, you rat fink!" "Carmine Pasquale, you're a dead man!" "Hey, it's the missionaries." "Hi, Elders." "fbi." "Freeze!" "They know where we are now!" "George, relax." "We've got them in custody." "They're willing to make a deal." "You see this?" "You can't trust nobody." "But it's perfect." "Now we're spinning a story that they got picked up before they got to you, and you're completely unaware of this." "If Angelo thinks he's failed, he'll send somebody else, and that we use as leverage." "Of course, he's gonna send somebody else." "What happens when somebody else gets here?" "We are dead!" "George, we're going to protect you." "Right." "Trust me." "You got this Mormon family, Catholic family, living next door to each other." "So each family has a little four-year-old kid." "One's a boy; one's a girl." "It's summertime." "The kids are playin';" "they turn on the sprinkler." "They figure, "Eh, we'll strip down to our birthday suits," right?" "They're running around." "Little boy looks at little girl and goes," ""Oh!" "Look, there really is a difference between Mormons and Catholics!"" "All right." "I just got one more thing-- l wanna..." "What are you gonna do?" "Hey, uh, folks, if I could have your attention." "Now, I know you don't drink, or smoke, or have fun." "Of course, I'm kidding." "But I would like to raise a toast with my caffeine-free Diet Pepsi and share with you an old Italian toast." "It goes something like:" ""Chi trova un amico, trova un tesoro."" "Which means, "He who finds a friend finds a treasure."" "Chindan." "Chindan." "Put your cups down!" "That's not appropriate." "For heaven's sakes, that's the appearance of evil." "Well, uh, thanks for having us guys." "This was great." "Oh, you're leaving?" "Yep, we gotta go." "Saturday night mass." "Wanna to stay for desert?" "I left the ricard pie on the table." "Enjoy." "Oh, thanks for coming." "Listen, about the other day, do you think we could talk later?" "Um, yeah." "Sure." "Okay." "Good to have you." "Yeah, thanks." "You guys take care." "Yeah, sure." "When in Rome." "See ya." "See ya, Rick." "Thanks for comin'." "That was nice." "Yeah." "Aside from the food, that was great fun." "You know, I've never heard a toast at a church dinner before." "That was a first." "Well, George is a good guy." "Yeah, they're good people." "According to a spokesman for the fbi, notorious mob figure Carmine "The Beans" Pasquale and his family, known to neighbors as George, Linda, and Patrick Cheeseman, were in the Witness Protection Program for just over a month," "when this apparent mob retaliation took place." "Investigators say... lt's all over the news." "Hello." "President Perry." "I knew there was something suspicious about them." "What if that explosion had happened when we were nearby?" "It could have been a tragedy!" "Brothers and sisters, I bring you condolences for this incredible tragedy." "You knew this family and their effort to get a second start in life, and I understand many of you here embraced them, as you should, as neighbors." "Now, I have other news." "With Bishop Harrison's recent loss, he and his family have decided to permanently relocate back East to assist with his parents' farm." "We therefore need to release Bishop John Clayton Harrison as bishop of the Mountain View Ward with Michael Isaac Jaymes as first counselor and Kepi Vakasiwola Viahani as second counselor." "Those who can offer a vote of thanks for their service, please join me in doing so." "Would the following individual please stand;" "as I read his name, we ask for your vote." "As the bishop of the Mountain View Ward," "Michael Isaac Jaymes." "All those who can accept Michael Jaymes as your bishop, please indicate." "No, I don't think so pal!" "What?" "George, we're trying to keep a low profile." "I gotta pay for meals in coach." "He says I look like I'm goin' to a Barry Manilow concert." "George, you're in disguise." "Keep it low-key." "You could have done better on these getups." "It's temporary." "Your plane leaves in 1 5 minutes." "Okay." "Now, be assured." "Angelo Marcello thinks you're dead." "I wish I was dead with these clothes." "You have no imagination." "Are you sure nobody suspects a thing?" "No." "Everybody has bought this, including your neighbors." "We've kept a tight beat on the community and what people are saying." "You might be interested to know your friend, Mike Jaymes, was called to be the new bishop today." "Really?" "Well, not for nuthin'." "He's good people." "I can see why." "Apparently not everybody can." "What do you mean?" "In the Mormon Church, when called to any position, everybody in the congregation has to vote on it." "Now, 999 times out of 1 000 everybody votes in the affirmative." "What happens on the 1 000th time?" "Once in a while people will vote against it." "So, so what?" "Somebody didn't want to vote for Mike?" "Actually about half the congregation." "What?" "I've got to admit, it's almost unheard of." "How could anyone have anything bad to say about Mike?" "We're here tonight for you to voice your concerns." "I asked Brother Jaymes not to attend --to allow everyone to speak freely." "I have known Michael Jaymes for years." "We're not going to find anyone with more dedication." "You know, I think I speak for a lot of people here when I say he may mean well, but at what expense?" "What if one of us had been killed because Michael Jaymes invited a mobster to wander the halls of our church?" "But he didn't know." "The federal government sent them here." "There should be a law against that." "Or some law notifying us that these people are moving in." "It's the Witness Protection Program!" "If we know they're here, they're not protected." "Then who is going to protect us?" "That mobster thug scared my son to death and ate his granola!" "Exactly." "Michael Jaymes invited a wolf into our little flock of sheep." "That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." "Oh!" "Can I, uh, say somethin' here?" "Thank you." "Um, well, we're not dead." "That little magic show you saw yesterday was courtesy of the fbi." "They did it to trick some people I used to know." "And we're movin' away from here now." "But the Feds have big ears, and I heard what was going down here with uh...with Mike Jaymes and what some of you think about him, that you believe he's responsible for bringing in a wolf amongst your sheep." "And my life these days has been all about saving my own skin and looking out for number one." "Actually, my whole life's been that way." "But I figured when I heard about this sit-down today, it's a good opportunity for me to stand up for someone who done right by me." "Someone like Mike." "So... I just wrote down some notes." "You know I heard one time that the Mormon Church is true, but the people ain't." "I don't know if the Mormon God is the one true God." "I'm not a praying' man." "I have heard many people say their prayers." "But I can tell you, if there is one ounce of truth in the Mormon Church and I relied on the people in this room to find out about it, I'd never know." "Some of you people wouldn't give me and my family the time of day." "That aside, you do have one good thing going for ya," "Michael Jaymes." "That guy cared more about me and my family than I did." "And he showed me what's really important in life." "If he can do that with a guy like me, imagine what he could do with people like you." "So, I don't know if it counts, but Mike Jaymes has my vote." "Hey!" "What, we need an engraved invitation?" "I smell dinner;" "I don't know about you guys." "So, the Feds have their undercover guy." "He's worked in with Angelo's crew, he tells 'em that what went down was real," "Angelo believes we're dead." "So did everyone else." "It had to be that way." "But when we heard about what happened... I hadda come back and say my piece." "So any idea where you're heading now?" "None." "As long as they don't put pineapple on their pizza, I'm fine." "And good coffee." "I don't know." "Coffee almost got me killed this time around." "I'm thinking there's something to this whole Mormon health code thing." "Oh, hey." "President." "Hi." "l wanted to tell you." "What?" "Congratulations, Bishop." "Ha, ha, ha." "Everybody sustained me?" "No." "But I never said everybody had to." "All I wanted to know was why they didn't." "But you're where you need to be, Bishop." "The rest will come around." "Look at you." "The Mormon Jimmy Hoffa over here!" "If I were you, just in case you ever disappear, leave a note saying to look for you under the goalposts at the B YU stadium." "Okay." "He has no idea." "I don't know if you can write, but if you can, here's the address to my parents' home in the Philippines." "Your brother's kickin' you out?" "Nah. I decided I'm going to live with my parents." "It's sort of trying to find a solution to my problems." "I thought it was a big problem?" "Then it might get a little smaller." "Oh!" "Let's go!" "I gotta go." "Thanks for everything." "Good luck with the baby." "Thank you." "All right." "Come on, get in." "Good luck with everything." "Be good." "Be safe." "You take care of yourself." "Oh, hey." "One more thing." "Mike, could you do me a favor?" "Yeah, sure." "Can you deliver those?" "But, I need you to do it personally." "What are they?" "Refund checks." "Thanks." "Aloha, Bishop." "See ya." "Take it easy." "Bye." "I love these." "You put the little bubble on the picture, like it's a comic strip." "Oh, that's cute." "How long have you been open?" "My husband and I opened about a month ago." "These are great." "Three, four, five, five is ten." "Thank you very much." "Come again." "Bye-bye." "Ah, Mormon missionaries." "I tell you what, here, it's on the house." "Oh, thanks!" "Where you from?" "Utah." "Oh!" "Really?" "Looks like you haven't had a decent meal." "How bout comin' over to the house for dinner." "You won't hear complaints from us." "We won't hear any messages either." "We're just gonna eat." "It's a start." "Forget about it." "I'm Elder Carpenter, and this is Elder Martin." "How you doin'?" "I'm Donald Clayton." "This is son Jordan, my lovely wife May." "Get me May." "I'm inviting Mormons over..." "on purpose." "You're kidding!" "l don't know what got into me." "Give 'em our address, and make it the correct one this time." "So you guys like Italian food?" "Love it." "Great." "We're having Chinese." "It's Tuesday." "Tuesday's Chinese food at our house." "She makes a great stir fry." "Mom makes good stir fry." "Not better than mine." "No, she's the best." "And what she does-- what do you call that thing?" "The big metal..." "The wok." "She shakes it with her whole body." "It's like watching a Chinese hula girl." "No, it's nice, and the food's delicious!"