"(ALARM BUZZES)" "(GRUNTS)" "Honey, wake up." "You sleep okay?" "Oh, me?" "Oh, never better." "Like a log." "Good 'cause your shower's ready." "(EXHALES) Oh, thanks." "(TAPPING)" "Good morning." "Morning, Alex." "(YAWNING) Morning." "Hi, mommy." "Did you sleep good?" "Mmm-hmm." "I'll wake Kenny." "Okay, but don't touch his woobie." "RADIO JOCKEY:" "It's gonna be a beautiful in Detroit today." "The weatherman says we're going to have sunny skies." "And I'll tell you what, there's a lot of traffic out there." "A lot of beautiful cars though." "We want you to roll up the window, lean back and enjoy all the good sounds that we're gonna be playing for you but, of course, though I always play..." "Alex, don't." "No!" "Ahhh!" "Damn!" "Morning, baby." "(TOY CHIMING SOFT MUSIC)" "Hi, sweetie." "How are you?" "How did you sleep?" "Hmm?" "Shall we go get daddy?" "Shall we?" "Okay." "There we are." "Good morning." "Good morning." "Morning, campers." "How's everybody?" "Hiya, Megan." "Great." "Trucks." "(SIGHS) What are we..." "What are we watching here, Kenny?" "Robots." "Thank you." "Thanks, Meg." "Okay." "Here's the joke of the day." "What's green and rides through the west?" "The lone pickle." "The lone pickle." "Okay." "They're on to me, hon." "We're all on to you, honey." "(HORN HONKS)" "That's them." "I got to go." "Okay, baby." "Good-bye." "Thanks." "Don't change a thing." "Leave that face exactly like that, all right?" "I don't want it washed by the time I come home 'cause it looks great." "(BICYCLE BELL RINGING)" "Call me later!" "(SIGHS)" "(GROANS)" "Oh, man!" "What's the record for the least amount of sleep ever?" "I think Lindbergh has it." "Yeah?" "Well, I think I beat him last night." "You heard anything, Jinx?" "If I did, wouldn't I tell you guys?" "Not necessarily." "That's right." "You didn't tell Lou until after he chipped in for gas money." "Hey, fellas, I'm telling you it's as simple as this." "If you can't sell cars, you can't pay people." "Now, come on." "Come on, relax." "I like splitting gas money four ways." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "(HORN HONKS)" "(INAUDIBLE)" "Hey!" "Hey, Butler!" "How you doing, Jeff?" "Having a good time?" "I love it!" "You know, I love coming down here, watching something go from the drawing board to the assembly line." "It's a treat." "Yeah, it's thrilling for us, too." "Yeah, real thrilling." "What's the matter, boys?" "You look a little depressed." "You worried about the Lions?" "They're slow starters." "Don't worry." "It's pre-season." "(CHUCKLING) Hey!" "We ain't worried about the Lions." "What we're worried about is the lines." "Amen." "Lines?" "Yeah." "Unemployment lines, welfare lines, food lines." "You know?" "All those lines." "Lines." "Lines." "Yeah." "You know, me and my wife went to the movies the other night." "We saw Rocky." "And I'm watching this movie and I'm thinking, there's something about this movie that reminds me of this situation at work, you know?" "Which Rocky was it?" "One or two or three?" "Uh, one, I think." "I don't know." "Who was he fighting?" "Hey, did he have a mohawk?" "Like Mr. T?" "I don't know." "I don't remember." "The point is, here's a guy who's taking a pretty bad beating, you know." "He's up against the ropes." "His eye's cut." "Was his manager dead or alive?" "All right, forget Rocky." "All right, forget I brought it up." "Get it out of your head." "The point is, when you're down, you're not necessarily out." "You know?" "I mean..." "I mean, you gotta hang tough." "I don't know." "WOMAN ON PA:" "Jack Butler, report to the staff office." "I gotta go, guys." "See you later." "Well, hang tough, baby!" "(MIMICS ROCKY'S THEME SONG) Yeah, be Rocky!" "Watch his right!" "Watch his left!" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "They're gonna knock him out, baby." "Rocky." "You think so?" "He didn't see Rocky." "(BOTH GRUNTING)" "JACK:" "Larry!" "Larry!" "(SCREAMING) Are you crazy?" "What did you do that for?" "Why didn't you tell me this morning I was being canned?" "I couldn't say anything until it was official!" "Wait a minute!" "Wait a minute, guys." "Wait!" "Jinx!" "You did it, didn't you?" "You fired these guys after all they contributed." "Jack..." "Ah, don't "Jack" me..." "After the support..." "Jack." "Oh, man." "After the devotion they gave you." "You're fired, too." "And now, they fire me." "I'm fired?" "You son of a bitch!" "(BOTH GRUNTING) I'll kill you!" "You're not fired." "Technically, you're furloughed." "Why don't you give me a break?" "I'm telling you there's blood all over my slide rule." "None of it's yours, Jinx." "Oh, come on." "Come on." "Something's gonna turn up." "You guys are terrific engineers." "You're too damn good not to catch on somewhere." "Where am I gonna catch on, Jinx?" "Where are we gonna catch on?" "Nagasaki?" "The Ruhr Valley?" "You know, you're not exactly walking out of here empty-handed." "You got your full severance, huh?" "You got your profit-sharing." "Here." "Guess what." "Surprise." "Full pro-rata refund for this month's gas." "Great!" "There's only one more thing I want." "What's that?" "Disability!" "Oh, no!" "Oh, no!" "Oh, no!" "Larry!" "Larry!" "Come on!" "No!" "Come on, Larry." "Come on." "Keep that sense of humor, buddy." "That's critical." "Hey, jeez!" "Hold it!" "Hold it!" "Larry!" "Get him off!" "MEN: * Plop, plop, fizz, fizz" "* Oh, what a relief it is *" "(MEN LAUGHING)" "Hey, Jack." "Keep in touch." "Yeah." "I will, Larry." "You all right?" "Oh, yeah." "Okay." "'Cause remember what Jinx said." "BOTH: "Keep that sense of humor." "It's critical."" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Love you, Jack." "Alex!" "Kenny!" "Come on!" "Hurry up!" "That's good." "Step two!" "Hup, two, three, four." "That's it." "Nice, boys." "You look real nice." "Does daddy know he got fired, yet?" "Yes, he knows but we're not gonna mention it to him, are we, honey?" "We want daddy to feel good, don't we?" "You hear that?" "He's coming now." "Everybody smile real big." "Hi, Dad." "Hey." "Hi." "Boy, you guys look nice." "(DOOR CLOSING)" "Do you all have dates or something?" "We heard you got fired." "Laid off." "Just laid off, honey." "Technically furloughed, sport." "You're not a bum, are you, Daddy?" "No, but I'm working on it." "Do you want my woobie?" "JACK:" "Actually, I kind of would like it." "But, instead, I'll take a kiss." "Okay." "Come on, everybody." "Let's eat dinner." "All right, we're having special dinner tonight." "What are we having?" "CAROLINE:" "Colonel chicken." "KENNY:" "Yay!" "JACK:" "We can't afford that." "KENNY:" "Let's enjoy it." "It may be our last." "You know, I know this sounds crazy, but I actually feel great." "I don't know why." "I don't know why but I feel great." "I do, you know, because I don't know." "Now I'll have the time to do some work around the house I've been wanting to get to." "And, you know, we're in pretty good shape." "Yeah, we are?" "Oh, wow." "Wait a minute." "What?" "You think I'll never get another job again?" "(CHUCKLES) Don't worry about it." "I already put the word out." "What would you say if I did, too?" "You did too what?" "(SIGHS) That I put the word out." "I mean I have a couple of years' experience in advertising." "I have a college degree." "There's not reason why I shouldn't try to get a job myself." "Wait a minute." "Excuse me." "Have I been missing something?" "I mean, has your phone been ringing off the hook?" "Well, no, Jack." "You think you're gonna get a job before I do?" "Oh, Jack." "This isn't a contest." "No, hon." "This'll be good." "I think we'll make it a contest." "It'll be fun." "I'll bet you 100 to 1 you don't get a job before I do, okay?" "Jack." "Okay?" "Come on, doll face." "Give me a dollar." "I don't have a dollar." "Oh, you wanna bet but you don't have a dollar?" "Hey!" "I don't wanna bet." "Hey!" "I thought somebody said they wanted to bet." "Why don't I get the kids?" "I don't bet!" "I don't take bets!" "I don't believe in bets." "Well, you're betting now." "Alex!" "Kenny!" "Come here!" "I hope you know it's coming out of my severance pay, too." "Come on, guys, hurry." "This is gonna be fun." "Guess what?" "I'm making Mommy a bet." "Daddy's betting Mommy $100 to just her $1 that she doesn't get a job before me." "Wow!" "Kenny, hold the money." "I better hold it, Dad." "Money makes him crazy." "JACK:" "Good point." "It isn't healthy." "Well, it may not be healthy but it's fun, right?" "ALEX:" "Dad, can we bet, too?" "Absolutely." "Come on." "Yay!" "JACK:" "Take the money, Caroline." "Jack, I don't want the money." "Look, you won." "A bet's a bet." "(SIGHS) Jack, I don't take bets and I don't want your money." "Look, aren't you being a little hard on yourself, honey?" "No!" "It's fine." "I mean, you have applied to everything on wheels from Toyota to Schwinn." "You're gonna get a job any day now." "Really." "(GASPS) Oh, I'm gonna be late on my first day." "I wanna make a very good impression." "How do I look?" "(CHUCKLES) You look great." "You're gonna make a great impression." "Now, do you wanna go over that list one more time?" "No!" "I don't want to go over the list!" "Okay, let's go over the list." "Now remember." "When Kenny starts talking to his breakfast, that means he's finished." "Right." "Right." "And Alex has to be at school at 7:30." "Pick up is 1:00 sharp." "1:00." "Now, when Megan starts rubbing her little ears, it means it's time for her nap." "Now, don't let her sleep past 11:30 'cause then she won't go down for afternoon nap which is at... 1 o'clock, okay." "Now, wait a minute." "Will she rub her ears again?" "No, just in the morning." "And please don't let her sit around in her wet diapers, okay?" "Obviously, hon." "Now, Kenny." "He'll pretty much take care of himself, won't you, honey?" "I mean, just keep him busy, you know." "Give him his tinker toys or his coloring book." "See, I think Alex will be a little helper, won't you, honey?" "Sweetie." "All right." "Just relax." "You're gonna be great." "There's nothing to this, you know." "Hon, we got it covered." "Right, guys?" "Okay." "Oh!" "Boy, I'm gonna miss you guys." "Look, now take it easy on Daddy." "Remember he's a rookie." "Bye, Mom." "Bye, honey." "Yes?" "Mommy?" "It's a jungle out there." "(SCOFFS) Very funny, Jack." "What?" "I don't know where he gets this?" "You know, on second thought, I think I will take this money." "I might need it for lunch or something special." "Actually, a lot of men would love to have this kind of time to spend with their kids..." "Hon, hon." "You're looking at one." "I'm telling you." "I'm a regular Phil Donahue here." "Yes, you are." "(SIGHS) Okay." "Come here." "Go get 'em." "Oh, thanks for the loan." "(THUNDER CRASHING)" "ALEX:" "Dad, you passed it." "JACK:" "Passed what?" "We're right on time." "But, Dad!" "You're doing it wrong." "Mommy doesn't do it like this." "We're gonna do it the Jack Butler method." "What is this?" "This is nuts." "(HORNS HONKING)" "Why are they all honking?" "Because you're doing it wrong." "Tell me I'm doing it wrong?" "I know how to do this." "(INAUDIBLE)" "Hi, Jack." "I'm Annette." "Hi." "You're doing it wrong." "See?" "This is what I tell all my new mommies." "We enter from the south, and we exit from the north." "And then we do just the reverse when we pick up." "This way our little ones don't have to walk between the cars to get to the learning facility." "Okay, move it out." "Remember." "South to drop off, north to pick up." "(CHUCKLES) Pick them up." "Okay, that's a good system." "(HORN HONKS)" "South to drop off, moron!" "(HORN HONKING)" "(ELEVATOR DOOR OPENING)" "Actually I'm very excited to be going back to work, especially here with Ron." "Ron?" "And who would Ron be?" "Oh, Ron Richardson." "Everyone here at the Richardson Frankel Agency calls him "Mr. Richardson."" "Well, he asked me to call him "Ron."" "And when was that?" "In what context?" "In the context of my interview at lunch." "Lunch?" "Well, now, before we go in here, let me give you some advice." "Keep your mouth shut and your ears open and you just might learn something." "(ALL CHATTERING SIMULTANEOUSLY)" "You wanna knock it off!" "(ALL QUIET DOWN)" "Ron, what is your position?" "Thank you." "My father founded this agency on Schooner Tuna." "It's the cornerstone of all our accounts." "So my position is, somebody better figure out a way to sell some tuna fish pretty damn quick." "(MAN COUGHING)" "We have people to do that." "Sorry." "Habit." "(CHUCKLES) Everybody, please welcome Caroline Butler." "Hi." "ALL:" "Hi." "Hi, Caroline." "Since you probably the only one in the room that got a decent night's sleep, maybe you could have a fresh opinion." "Do any of these layouts, anything make sense to you?" "Uh..." "I'm not qualified to judge anything, really." "It's my first day." "You ever eat tuna fish?" "Well, yes." "You're qualified." "Okay, well, let's see here." "Well, this is very good." "It's a mermaid?" "Original." "RON:" "Caroline." ""Yum yum tuna bits." That's very funny." "Cut the crap." "(SIGHS) Right." "Look, do you want me to be really honest with you, Ron?" "No, lie to him." "He likes it." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Well, frankly, none of this stuff would influence me, all right?" "(ALL JEERING)" "How nasty." "Come on, Ron, she doesn't know her tuna fish from a Cheerio." "Damn good thing we don't have the Cheerio account." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Well, when was the last time any of you people were in a supermarket?" "(ALL CHATTERING) Harriet Housewife." "MAN ON PA:" "Good morning, shoppers." "We have some specials in the store this morning we'd like to let you know about." "Over in the frozen foods section we have some..." "JACK:" "Hey, Kenny, where are the eggs?" "Over there, Daddy." "(MAN CONTINUES ANNOUNCING INDISTINCTLY)" "I have the right of way." "Right." "Sorry." "Here, we'll settle out of court." "Oh!" "Weirdo!" "WOMAN ON PA:" "Irv, clean-up on aisle four!" "IRV ON PA:" "Aisle four." "Check." "Irv, clean-up in produce!" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Got it." "(CRYING) Kenny, did I tell you not to touch the grapefruit." "Next." "May I have a half-pound of ham?" "Boiled, baked, smoked, salt-cured, sugar-cured, prosciutto, or Westphalian?" "Forget it." "Just tell you what." "Just give me a half-pound of salami." "Italian, kosher, hard, pork, beef, cotto, or what?" "Uh..." "WOMAN:" "Just get bologna, mister." "I'll tell you what." "Just give me a quarter-pound of cheese." "American, blue, cream, cottage," "Gouda, Edam, Provolone, Romano, Swiss?" "You have your entire Cheddar family." "Can you run the hams back one more time?" "(ALL PROTESTING) Oh, come on, make up your mind!" "Stay right here, okay?" "I'm coming back." "Half-pound of salami, half-pound of Swiss, half-pound of the ham, two celery." "I think these are on special." "Doesn't matter." "Sorry." "Forget about it." "Let me check." "Irv, are these Kotex maxi pads on special?" "Never mind, Irv." "Sorry." "Forget it." "IRV ON PA:" "Kotex, 19 cents off." "Thanks, Irv." "All right, Ken." "My baby." "Who are you?" "Steven." "Mom!" "Kenny!" "Mom!" "Ken!" "Mom!" "Here, eat this spaghetti." "WOMAN ON PA:" "Irv, spaghetti on aisle nine!" "Kenny!" "Mom!" "IRV ON PA:" "Spaghetti, aisle nine, check." "Kenny!" "Hey, I'll trade you, my kid for yours." "Thank you." "I don't have any kids!" "WOMAN:" "Could you double bag that, please?" "Did you seen my little girl?" "Yeah, she's adorable." "She's lost." "You left a child in a shopping cart?" "Irv, one lost child." "IRV:" "Lost child alert." "There she is!" "(SIGHS IN RELIEF) There's your daddy." "She's yours, and I'm Joan." "Hi, thanks." "Caroline told me you'd be around." "Yeah." "Can I give you a hand?" "You can give me both of them." "(CHUCKLES) I don't know what the hell I'm doing." "WOMAN ON PA:" "Irv, clean-up aisle seven!" "Irv, we were never in aisle seven." "I'm telling you." "Honest." "Not so easy, is it?" "Boy, I'll say." "Might even be the toughest job in the entire world." "Bends your back, it drives you nuts, and it makes your boobs droop." "So, don't be ashamed about asking for help." "Mommy training can be very, very tricky, and I can help with sitters, and shopping, and menus, and even if you just want to talk." "Here's my number." "All right, thank you." "I'm sorry." "What's it say underneath here?" ""Anytime."" "JACK:" "Okay." "(TIRES SQUEALING) Kenny!" "What are you doing?" "(LAUGHS)" "(SINGSONG) He's married." "(SINGSONG) So were we once." "(DOG BARKING)" "JACK, KENNY AND ALEX:" "* Oh, Susannah" "* Oh, don't you cry for me" "* I've come from Alabama" "* With my banjo on my knee" "Where is everybody?" "Up here." "* Oh, Susannah" "* Oh, don't you cry for me *" "Hi, everybody." "Mommy's home." "Hi, Mommy." "Hi, Mommy." "How was your day?" "Oh, it was, uh..." "It was terrible." "(SIGHS) I mean, I wasn't there five minutes and I was thrown into this meeting with people yelling and screaming at each other." "And then they were screaming at me." "And there's a secretary that hates me for no reason." "Want me to go down and kick a little ass, honey?" "Yeah, Dad!" "Yeah, Dad!" "The only one that was even civil to me was Ron." "Ron?" "Yeah, you know, Mr. Richardson?" "I mean, he actually asked for my opinion." "And when I told him honestly how I felt about something," "Ron liked what I had to say." "He did." "Ron and his group are flying to the plant tomorrow." "And they're gonna tour it and I was invited to go." "Is that an unbelievable first day on the job, or what?" "I can't believe it." "How about you guys?" "I can't believe it." "ALEX:" "I can't believe it." "We can't believe it here, hon." "None of us can." "We're stunned." "CAROLINE:" "Honey, I can't believe this." "Oh, well, I didn't want his feet to get wet." "ALEX:" "Somebody must've died." "Why?" "There's a limousine out front." "Oh." "Hey, you didn't say anything about a limousine last night." "Oh, Ron said he was sending a car, but he didn't say anything about a limo." "Well, tell him I'll be right down." "Ron?" "Oh, Ron." "Hey, Ron." "Maybe..." "Whoa." "(WHISPERS) Damn it." "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "Well, hello down there." "Why don't you run and tell your mommy that Mr. Richardson is here?" "Stay right here." "I'm not supposed to let strangers in the house." "(CHUCKLES)" "(WHIRRING LOUDLY)" "(LOUDLY) How you doing?" "You must be Ron Richardson." "I'm Jack Butler." "Nice to meet you." "(LOUDLY) Pleased to meet you." "Huh?" "I say, I'm pleased... (WHIRRING STOPS) ...to meet you." "I'm just waiting for Caroline." "Well, Ron, you know women." "(CHUCKLES) Yeah, I'd like to think I do." "You want a beer?" "It's 7:00 in the morning." "Scotch?" "Not during working hours." "Oh, I'm sorry, pal." "No problem." "Come over here, Ron." "Let me show you what I'm doing." "I'm taking advantage of some of the time off to add a whole new wing on here." "I'm gonna rip these walls out and, of course, rewire it." "Yeah, you gonna make it all 220?" "Yeah, 220, 221, whatever it takes." "Well, you sound like a pretty handy guy." "Yeah, well, I like to do a bit of everything, Ron." "I write poetry, I paint, sculpt." "Oh." "Oh, Caroline, don't you look nice?" "Thanks." "I'm sorry if I kept you waiting." "Oh, not at all." "I was just having a little chat here with your hubby..." "Jack." "Jack." "Yeah, he's quite a guy." "So, I guess we better get going." "CAROLINE:" "Mmm-hmm." "Okay." "Jack, a real pleasure." "Ron." "(EXHALES)" "Very nice outfit, honey." "Thank you." "(SIGHS)" "Honey, if you call and I'm not here," "I'll be at the gym or at the gun club." "How'd you like a little trim on that mustache, Ron?" "(WHIRRING)" "RON:" "Yeah, Humphries is tough." "He's probably the toughest client we've got, but you know, I think you've got two things going for you." "Number one, your experience as a homemaker." "You're fresh from the trenches of consumerism." "And..." "Oh, thank you very much." "Oh, boy." "And number two, you've got a..." "Well, let's just say you're an extremely attractive woman." "Oh, well, thank you." "And my husband thanks you, too." "You know, I'm glad you brought up..." "What's his name?" "Jack." "Jack." "Um..." "What do you mean?" "I mean, we're gonna be working long, hard hours and you might be coming home pretty late at night." "And, well, if there's gonna be a problem," "I want you to tell me about it right now." "(CHUCKLES)" "Well, there's not gonna be any problem, see?" "Jack supports everything I do." "As a woman, in my career, as an executive, he supports me." "And if we can agree that you are an executive, then you can stop cutting my steak." "(CUTLERY CLATTERING) Oh." "(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) Sorry." "Dad, I don't think we can fit anymore." "Sure, we can." "Let's get some more in there." "You know, when your dad was in the Army, we had to run a tight ship." "There were no ships in the Army." "Just put this laundry in there." "Dad, can we fix lunch?" "Sure." "Anything but, uh, tuna." "What have we got here?" "Wait a minute." "Let's save a couple steps here." "Give it everything, I guess." "(WATER SLOSHING)" "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "Butler?" "Hi." "You got a problem with your horizontal hold?" "I don't know." "Your wife says you do." "Well, she ought to know." "Come on in." "(SHATTERS)" "I'll be right back." "I get 45 bucks an hour." "(CHUCKLES)" "Oh, Megan!" "You're making me crazy here, baby." "You're making me nuts." "MEGAN:" "Da-da." "Yeah, yeah, I love you, but you're making me crazy." "Stay." "Hey, Kenny, go keep an eye on your sister." "Play with her or something, all right?" "Go watch TV." "ALEX:" "You want some chili?" "No, thanks." "Hey, where's your mom keep the vacuum cleaner?" "You mean jaws?" "(CHUCKLES) Your mom calls the vacuum cleaner "jaws"?" "Yeah." "Where is it?" "Over there." "(JAWS THEME SONG PLAYING)" "(SCOFFS) Jaws." "(CHUCKLES)" "(WHIRRING)" "Exterminator." "I can't hear you." "Exterminator." "What?" "Exterminator!" "Go to the front door." "Okay." "(RIPPING)" "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" "Come in." "I'm here to adjust the pilot on your water-heater." "Okay by me." "Hi." "Anything wrong?" "No, no." "Fine." "Fine." "(SMOKE ALARM BUZZES)" "(WHIRRING)" "(SCREAMS)" "ALEX:" "Dad!" "Dad!" "Dad!" "Dad!" "KENNY:" "Dad!" "Dad, my woobie!" "Now, look..." "Run, Kenny!" "Run!" "Whoa!" "(TIRES SQUEALING ON TV)" "(BURSTS)" "(COUGHS)" "(MEGAN GROANS)" "(MEGAN HICCUPPING)" "You crazy?" "You fed a baby chili?" "(HICCUPS)" "(DOG BARKING)" "(TIRES SQUEALING)" "(HORN HONKS)" "(NASAL VOICE) Where's mommy keep the extra diapers?" "Hey!" "Cowards." "(MEGAN CHUCKLES)" "Oh." "Holy mackerel!" "Aw, man." "(SIGHS)" "(EXHALES)" "Sorry I'm late." "(SIGHS)" "Well, I'm glad somebody had a good day." "Have a seat." "I'll call you when he's ready." "Thank you." "MAN:" "How about roasted eggplant?" "I don't know." "Does your wife like seafood?" "Yeah, but seafood smells up the kitchen, and it can take hours to get rid of that odor." "No." "How about something simple?" "Oh." "I've got a Hamburger Wellington that's out of this world." "Well, great, let me have it." "Okay, start with two pounds of ground round, lean and mean." "Brown it in some butter." "Yeah." "Pardon me." "Could you use margarine in that or butter?" "Well, butter's my personal choice." "Yeah, but butter can scorch." "Higgins, you're next." "Oh, why don't you go ahead, and I'll go after you?" "Well, you were here first." "Oh, that's okay." "I have no place to go, and besides that, there's not a job available anywhere in this city." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Okay, Butler, I guess you're next." "I'd sure like to have a copy of that when I come back." "Yeah, sure." "Okay, drain all the excess fat." "Yeah, okay." "(BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING)" "CAROLINE:" "Well, you're mad, aren't you?" "I'm not mad." "I'm not mad." "It's just not where I want to be right now." "Mmm-hmm?" "Well, Jack, I can't not go." "I mean, please do it for me, would you?" "You know how many of these things I went to for you?" "A lot." "We'll stay 10 minutes." "10 minutes." "Ten minutes?" "(SIGHS) Fifteen tops." "Oh." "All right, okay." "Fair enough." "But if we stay longer than that, we pull the old Aunt Emily." "Okay, the Aunt Emily, right." "Wow!" "What a house!" "Yeah." "Probably mortgaged to the eyeballs." "CAROLINE:" "Not this one." "His great-grandfather, Commander Richardson built it." "JACK:" "Yeah." "A hand-me-down." "Oh, thank you." "RON:" "Jack, you must be pretty darn proud of our little Caroline, huh?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, we're very proud of her, and the children are, and we're all real proud of her at home." "She earned that promotion." "I can assure you, Jack." "It was a little promotion." "I forgot to tell you about it." "(CHUCKLES) It was no big deal." "ANNOUNCER ON PA:" "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Richardson Frankel Annual Corporate Olympics!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Butler, you're a sportsman." "I was kind of counting on you to take part in this." "You know, spouses are eligible." "Yeah, I don't know." "Oh, come on." "Nobody takes it seriously." "It's just good clean fun." "I know, Ron, normally, I'd say yeah, but I'll tell you, we got to get over to see Caroline's Aunt Emily." "She's..." "Dying." "Sick." "Dead?" "Well, why don't you stick around for a few minutes anyway and you can watch with the rest of the wives." "(LAUGHS) I'm sorry." "I mean, families." "Huh?" "I'll tell you what, boys, run down to the car and get Dad's sweat pants and shoes and stuff out." "Hey, all right." "I'll stick around for a while." "Okay." "(GIRLS CHATTERING)" "It looks like we've got ourselves a little competition this year." "Butler over there is a real jock." "Oh, boy." "That's all we need." "Yeah." "(GROANS)" "Relax, Butler." "You're not gonna win anyway." "Why not?" "Is he that good?" "He's the boss." "It's his tournament." "You get it?" "Yeah, but, I don't work for him." "No, but your wife does." "(GUN FIRES)" "(INAUDIBLE)" "(WHISTLE BLOWS)" "(WHISTLE BLOWS)" "(WHISTLE BLOWS)" "What's he doing?" "Winning." "(INAUDIBLE)" "You threw it, didn't you?" "ALEX:" "You did good, Dad." "Thanks." "I owe you one, Jack." "(PANTING)" "Come on." "Let's go." "You sure you're okay?" "Yeah." "Come on." "All right." "(SIGHS)" "RON:" "I did it!" "I did it!" "I did it!" "I did it!" "NIKKI ON TV:" "Kevin." "(SCOFFS) Please..." "Please kiss me once more." "KEVIN ON TV:" "You know what that's gonna lead to, don't you?" "I know." "I want it to lead there." "I want to feel alive again." "I can't believe people actually watch this stuff." "VICTOR ON TV:" "So, I'm not the father of the child?" "Well, that's some consolation." "Just who is the culprit?" "NIKKI ON TV:" "You don't want to know." "Wait." "Let me guess." "Probably the deceased Mr. Cashman." "Ha!" "Wrong, Vic." "Wrong!" "Nikki doesn't even love you." "Come on, Vic." "Open your eyes, buddy." "She's been making out with your friend, Kevin." "You mean Kevin Benton?" "That's exactly who I mean." "Watch." "She's gonna blame it on you now." "You threw me at him." "You let him know it was perfectly fine to take me to San Francisco, only he took me to bed first, and it's your fault!" "Did I tell you?" "I knew it." "Wake up, Vic." "She already buried one husband." "KEVIN:" "Do you think that I'm gonna let that get into the record for everybody to see?" "Or for the child to find out later on?" "NIKKI:" "All right then, we'll just have a no-fault divorce." "We don't get along." "It's certainly true enough." "No, Nikki, I won't do it." "Listen, I've been thinking about this." "Dad." "Yeah?" "This is cold and the cheese isn't hardly melted down." "Okay." "Come here." "KEVIN:" "I've got a stake in this kid." "And I'm gonna stick around and make sure that he's okay." "There you go." "NIKKI:" "All you're really interested in is the baby." "Is the baby more important than Caroline?" "That's right." "My own flesh and blood." "Oh, Kevin, you're such a fool." "That's right, Nikki, I'm a fool." "Daddy, Daddy, my woobie's ripped." "Ken, you know what?" "Maybe it's time to get rid of the woobie, all right?" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Okay." "All right, all right." "Give me it." "It's more than just pride, Nikki." "There you go." "Good as new." "Okay, listen, I'd appreciate it if you guys kept it down, okay?" "Because Nikki's gonna get the results of her blood-test back today." "NIKKI: ...have other children with Caroline." "Is it Kevin's baby?" "We're not sure." "Kevin's a skunk." "Kevin gets all the girls." "He sure got Nikki." "(TELEPHONE RINGS)" "KEVIN:" "My mother doesn't love my father, but still we've managed to make a life together." "So you can just forget about this annulment and divorce..." "Yeah." "Hi, Joan." "How you doing?" "Uh, it's got to be Kevin's." "Victor?" "How could it be Victor?" "No." "He got a vasectomy." "It didn't take?" "Are you kidding me?" "Hold on a minute." "Ken, give me that sword." "Dad!" "Dad!" "Dad!" "Okay, I'm gonna bet a 25-cent Wheaties rebate and I'm going to raise you a Van De Camp's Pork and Beans and an Ovaltine." "(CHUCKLES)" "Well, I'm gonna see your 25-cent Wheaties rebate and raise you two Tender Vittles dollar-offs." "Okay?" "That's it for me." "I'll fold." "Jack, why are you dealing me this garbage?" "I'm out." "This is so much more fun than bridge, Jack." "Thanks so much for thinking of it." "Girls, girls." "Come on." "Are you gonna play cards or flap your gums?" "Flap my gums." "It's getting ugly in here." "Hey." "Come on." "All right, all right." "I will see you your Tender Vittles and I'll raise you a 50-cent Yoplait and a $2.00 rebate on a Domino's Pizza and a two-for-one Sunpure frozen entree." "How about that?" "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "This is serious poker." "Any of you ever try those Sunpure frozen entrees?" "Oh!" "My dog wouldn't eat them." "I love them." "I do." "I'm calling you with a 25-cent new and improved Ban roll-on and two 50-cent triple-ply Hefty bag offers." "What do you got?" "(LAUGHS) She's bluffing!" "WOMAN 1:" "Oh, this is it." "Are these any good?" "Uh, well..." "You got two pair..." "You got plenty." "Hi, kids." "(ALL EXCLAIMING) Hi, Mommy!" "Caroline!" "Hi, girls." "Pizza, huh?" "Oh, no." "Don't get up." "Don't get up." "Is it that late already?" "We were just finishing here." "Don't be silly." "Don't get up." "Pizza." "Well, I've got a ton of work to do." "I..." "I'll go upstairs." "Listen, we better go here." "It's 7:30." "7:30?" "Tomorrow." "We'll play tomorrow, am I right?" "WOMAN 2:" "My family's starving." "Yeah, sure." "Family's starving?" "Take some pizza home to them." "No." "No, I don't..." "Joan, don't forget your coupons." "Excuse me." "Joan, come on." "I think I'm in trouble." "Room service, madam." "(SIGHS) Thanks, but Ron gave me this tuna presentation to do and I'm really way behind." "Well, you've got to eat something, honey." "Well, if I wanted something to eat, Jack," "I would've come down and had something to eat with you and your girlfriends." "All right." "Let's get into it." "Get into what, Jack?" "Get into this." ""The house is a mess, Jack." "The kids are a mess, Jack." "You're a mess, Jack."" "I leave anything else out?" "Want to talk about the beard?" "All right." "The beard's in its transitional stage right now, that's all." "When it comes in it's gonna look great." "It's gonna look like that movie star, uh, what's his name?" "Orson Welles?" "No." "I... (LAUGHS) Oh, Orson Welles." "Oh, I get it." "Fat jokes, right?" "That's real funny." "Yeah, I've put on a couple pounds." "So what?" "Come on." "What else do you have?" "You want to talk about this shirt for a second, Jack?" "All right." "You've been wearing this shirt around the house for about two weeks now." "It can walk around by itself." "Why don't you retire that thing to the dry cleaning hall of fame, huh?" "Because it's a comfortable shirt." "Jack, take a look at yourself." "You've really thrown in the towel, honey." "My brain is like oatmeal." "I yelled at Kenny today for coloring outside the lines." "Megan and I are starting to watch the same TV shows and I'm liking them." "I'm losing it." "Honey, I know what you're talking about." "I've been there myself, all right?" "Well, if you were so unhappy, why didn't you say something about it?" "Because I wasn't unhappy." "Look." "Maybe I was a little confused, maybe I was a little frustrated, but I knew what I was doing was important because it means something to raise decent human beings." "What saw me through was pride." "I had pride in this house." "I had pride in my kids and I had pride in being Mrs. Jack Butler!" "Where are you going?" "I'm going downstairs to sleep on the fat couch if I can get through the door." "Make sure and take pride in some of that fat, porky!" "(TELEPHONE RINGING ON TV)" "VICTOR:" "Yes?" "NIKKI:" "Victor, it's Nikki." "Yes." "Hello, Nikki." "Honey, are you okay?" "(TELEPHONE RINGS)" "Hello." "Joan." "Hi." "How are you?" "Oh, forget it." "Come on." "That was days ago." "No." "No." "It was very insensitive of us." "Caroline had every right to be angry." "We're not talking." "Or doing anything else." "I'll be right there." "(POUNDING ON DOOR)" "I came as fast as I could." "You sure did." "You look great, Jack." "I do?" "Mmm-hmm." "What do you think of this shirt?" "Let me tell you about flannel." "It gets me hot." "Joan..." "Do I look fat or, uh..." "Overweight at all to you?" "I like a man with a little meat on his bones." "That's two." "Okay." "How about the beard?" "I mean, uh..." "Caroline hates the beard." "I know." "Oh, my God." "(THUNDER CRACKLING)" "(GASPS) Jack!" "Jack." "How could you?" "And Joan?" "Joan, you're supposed to be my friend." "He's too much man to be left alone, Caroline." "Really?" "Honey!" "Honey!" "What are you..." "Please, Caroline!" "Come on, it was just one kiss!" "I'll bet." "Honey, what about the kids?" "The kids are just outside." "I've thought of the kids." "The kids won't hear a thing." "(SOBS) Shoot me." "Shoot me." "You're right." "God knows I'm guilty." "I deserve it." "Tell me something, Jack." "What did it?" "Huh?" "The boredom?" "The repetition?" "The days, one flowing into the next?" "The loneliness?" "Well, I did it, Jack." "I did it for eight years." "Don't you think I know?" "Say good-bye, darling." "Oh, no, no!" "(GUNSHOT)" "What?" "Oh, shit!" "I love this shirt!" "Oh, God." "Couldn't hold on, could you, Jack?" "I was coming by to call you back." "Holy cow!" "What'd you use?" "A .38?" "Uh, 38, 39..." "Whatever it took." "Bye, darling." "Tough luck, Jeff." "Jack." "You bet." "Jack, Jack." "The name's Jack." "Jack." "Jack." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "I can't, Joan, I can't." "You can't do this to me." "Do what?" "It's time for our poker game." "The girls will be a little late." "There's no game today." "The game's called off." "Why?" "'Cause there's a death in the family." "I'll explain to you later." "(ROCKY'S THEME SONG PLAYS)" "Stay!" "Get in there and clean the kids' room." "Three, four... (SHOUTING)" "* Feelin' strong now" "* Workin' hard now" "(CAR HONKING)" "Hey." "Come on, pal." "Hey." "South's the drop-off, north's the pick-up." "Let's get it straight next time, all right?" "Come on, move it." "Move it." "Let's go." "Let's go, monkeys." "I want all of you up." "Let's go!" "I want this area cleaned, I want the animals fed." "I want you to report for chow 0700." "Move it, monkeys, move it." "Let's go!" "Dad!" "The baby." "Come on." "They're asking about you on The Today Show with Gene Shalit." "Let's go." "Running late!" "Oh!" "Yeah." "Okay." "I'm fine." "Yeah." "I'm moving out." "I'll be there in a minute." "Good luck." "Listen, ace." "You and I have to have a man-to-man talk here about your woobie." "Your woobie's looking bad, bud." "Now wait a minute." "Now, listen to me." "I understand that you little guys start out with your woobies." "And you think they're great." "And they are!" "They are terrific." "But pretty soon, a woobie isn't enough." "You're out on the street, trying to score an electric blanket, maybe a quilt." "And the next thing you know, you're strung out on bedspreads, Ken." "That's serious." "Now, give me the woobie." "No." "Kenny..." "Come on, man." "No." "Okay." "Give it to me for a couple of days." "If it doesn't work, you got the woobie back." "Please." "You got a lot of guts." "Can I have a moment to myself, please?" "Absolutely." "You got it." "You had to do it." "Okay." "Oh." "A little tired, huh?" "Yeah." "A little." "Excuse me." "How about this food?" "Hmm." "Very good." "You sent out for Chinese food, huh?" "No!" "Kenny made this." "Nuh-uh." "Listen, you're doing a really great job with the kids, honey." "I appreciate it." "With everything." "You really are." "Thanks." "Well, I'd take this time to carry you upstairs and let you tell me all about it, but I think that might take too long." "Mmm." "(MAN COUGHING)" "How's it going in there, huh?" "Like having your gums scraped." "You're on." "So soon?" "Didn't take Humphries very long to shoot down every idea we had." "Looks like you're the ace in the hole, kid." "Well, I'm ready." "Okay." "You've got my attention." "Shoot." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Well, these are the last two campaigns for Schooner Tuna." "First, you gave away four glasses with every can of tuna." "Now as I recall you were stuck with 60,000 of these, right?" "What is this?" "This is your life?" "Now, bear with me." "Next came 100 free trips to Hawaii." "Now, who knew there was gonna be a hurricane that month?" "You were stuck with 100,000 of these flower leis." "I hope to hell you're making a point." "Well, I am making a point, Mr. Humphries." "The point is," "Schooner Tuna is one of the three most expensive tunas on the market." "Now, if we want to beat our competitors the time for these gimmicks and giveaways is over with." "Now, I don't mean to be disrespectful, Mr. Humphries but housewives need your help, not your gimmicks." "Show them that you really care about their problems, and you'll win their loyalty." "Now, this is what I propose." ""Schooner Tuna sympathizes with those hit so hard by this trying economy." ""To help you, we are reducing the price of our tuna by 50 cents a can." ""When this crisis is over, we'll go back to our regular prices." ""Until then, remember, we're all in this together." ""Signed, Howard Humphries, President, Schooner Tuna, the tuna with a heart."" "Well, you've got a plane to catch." "I'm really sorry..." "Damn well right, you're sorry." "Yes, I am." "Where in the hell have you been hiding this little girl?" "She's not just selling tuna, son." "She's selling America." "Right!" ""The tuna with a heart." I love this bleeding-heart shit." "That's American!" "That's what that is!" "That's what I think." "Well, there's more." "More?" "There is?" "Yes." "(LAUGHING HEARTILY)" "Caroline, congratulations!" "Thank you, thank you." "I'm so impressed with you." "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "Hi." "I'm here for Mrs. Butler. 8:00 flight." "Right." "She'll be right out." "Okay." "Why do you have to go to California?" "'Cause that's where we're gonna make the tuna commercial, honey." "Can't you go tomorrow, Mommy?" "No, I can't." "Because everyone else is going tonight." "And I have to go." "But you know what?" "I'm gonna be back before you go to your first meeting of the knights of the round table." "I promise." "Bye, honey." "Bye, sweetie." "Wait, guys, stay right here." "Alex, Kenny, watch her for a minute, okay?" "Let me talk to you." "Two hours notice, and you're off to Los Angeles like that." "(SIGHS) Jack, there is nothing I could do about it." "I convinced a man today to spend $11 million on one of my ideas." "I got to go!" "Besides, honey, there's gonna be other Halloweens, you know." "I know there'll be other Halloweens but I'm thinking about this Halloween." "Caroline, these kids, in a couple of years, are gonna outgrow this thing." "Oh, really?" "You don't seem to have outgrown it, Jack." "All right." "I admit it." "I like Halloween." "Yeah, well, so do I, honey." "Remember I was going to dress up as a prison matron tonight?" "Point is, Megan just got two new teeth." "I'll bet you didn't know that." "Alex is playing football." "Remember Kenny's security blanket?" "He doesn't have it anymore." "Doesn't use it." "It's gone." "You know, if you were here I was gonna suggest you go as a ghost." "'Cause even when you're here, you're not here." "Caroline, we really have to get going." "Hey, Madison Avenue, lighten up." "All right, Jack." "What do you want me to do?" "Not go?" "Not try?" "Not succeed?" "Of course not." "I want you to succeed." "And..." "You gave me some real good advice once." "So now let me give you some of mine." "It's real easy to forget what's important." "So don't." "Jack, I'm gonna be back in less than a week." "Can't we please talk about this then?" "Come on, everything's gonna be all right." "Little woman's off again, huh?" "Shut up, Annette." "Please, Megan." "Please." "Daddy will buy you a T-bird." "Okay?" "You want a T-bird?" "Please." "Put your bum down there, honey." "Okay?" "I know, but..." "Ken, is she here?" "KENNY:" "I think she's here now, Dad!" "Okay, honey." "Please, for Daddy." "Meg, please." "Okay?" "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "Hi..." "Who are you?" "What?" "Who are you?" "I'm your babysitter!" "Excuse me." "Wait." "Oh, Jack." "Hi." "How are you?" "Hi, kids." "Remember Uncle Jinx?" "They're big now." "Yeah." "Listen, now, what this is about is it's a..." "It's a review board." "Now, it's just a formality." "They're gonna ask you a couple of questions..." "Jack, if you could back me up" "I think I can get you back on at half salary." "What are you talking about?" "You didn't say anything about half salary on the phone." "Mr. Latham, Mr. Butler, you can go in now." "According to our records since you and your associates left, production in your division is off by 23 percent, and costs are up 19 percent." "You have any explanation for that?" "I'm a little confused here." "I'm no longer with the company." "I don't know." "You might ask Mr. Latham." "We have." "JACK:" "And?" "I'm sorry, Jack." "I covered for you guys as long as I could." "You covered for us?" "Yeah." "That's a lie." "That's not true." "Come on, Jack." "Larry and Stan were in here." "Now, they already admitted that I covered for them." "Now, come on." "It's time for you to be a stand-up guy." "Larry and Stan would say anything you wanted them to say." "They need their jobs." "You want me to be a stand-up guy?" "Okay, I'll be a stand-up guy." "I need my job, too, but what's going on here is wrong." "If I did such a bad job, why did production go down and costs go up after you fired me?" "Huh?" "Look, I don't know what this guy told you." "I don't know what he does with his books." "I'm a car maker, I make cars." "I'm not an accountant." "But I'll tell you something." "I take a lot of pride in my work." "Dad." "Oh, no, son." "Son, you're gonna have to get out of here now." "This is a meeting." "Just a minute, Alex." "Daddy's talking." "I know it's not real popular right now, you know, taking pride in your work." "But I did, I cared." "You fired me for it." "If you ever talk to my kid like that again I'm knocking you out." "Forget the paper." "There we go." "There we go." "That's it." "(KIDS SHOUTING)" "Will you forget the... (SNICKERING)" "Schooner Tuna commercial, take 24." "MAN:" "And action." "I'm Howard Humphries, President of Schooner Tuna." "All of us here, uh..." "Cut." "Cut." "MAN:" "Cut it!" "Caroline!" "Caroline." "There's an emotional element missing." "I..." "Oh, for God's sakes." "What does he want now, Caroline?" "Wait a second." "I'll take care of this." "Can't you control him?" "(WHISPERING)" "Fine, fine." "MAN:" "Okay, folks." "One more time." "MAN 1:" "Quiet please!" "MAN 2:" "Speed." "Caroline, how about a little dinner after all this is over?" "No, I don't think so." "I'm too tired." "As soon as this is over I want to go back to the hotel and soak in a hot tub." "That's all I wanna do." "That..." "Yeah." "That sounds like a great idea." "(BUZZER SOUNDING)" "MAN:" "Quiet!" "Schooner Tuna commercial, take 25." "My fellow Americans..." "JACK:" "I actually thought I had a job there for about 30 seconds today." "Jack." "Forget about it." "The most important thing is that you didn't get fired." "That's right." "That's right." "Good way to look at it, I guess." "Listen, you guys get in now and go." "And I'm gonna get a cab." "We sprang for dinner." "You can't walk out on us now." "Come on, get in." "Where are you taking me?" "Come on." "Get in the car." "Got him!" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "(WOMEN WHOOPING)" "Oh, my god!" "(LAUGHS)" "These aren't the same guys from the space shuttle, are they?" "Hey, Flash!" "Don't look now, but I think he's looking at you." "No, he's..." "Okay, okay." "Bet you don't know where this has been." "There you go." "Where's he putting it?" "Where's he putting it?" "No, no." "Don't tell me." "Don't tell me." "Don't tell me." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Hey, wait, Flash!" "Wait for me!" "Hey, Joan!" "Hey seriously..." "We're going to jail." "(LAUGHING) Who cares?" "All right, girls." "Next time, I'll call you." "All right?" "Don't bother calling me." "Seriously, it was fun." "I'll see you." "Here." "Take this." "I don't think I'm gonna need it." "What is it?" "What is it?" "That dancer's telephone number." "(ALL CLAMORING)" "ANNOUNCER:" "Will all passengers be sure they have their baggage checked before boarding the buses." "JACK:" "Annette." "Mrs. Turner, please come to the desk." "Will Mrs. Turner please come to the desk?" "So that's why you offered to sit with the kids." "(GIGGLING)" "You knew where they were taking me, didn't you, Annette?" "Daddy?" "Hi." "Come on, I'm taking you guys to bed." "Can we call Mommy?" "No, we can't." "She's in California." "I want to talk to Mommy, too." "Come on, guys." "Go to bed." "We'll call her in the morning." "Well, it's only 8:30 in California." "Good point, Annette." "All right." "(SIGHING)" "(WHISPERING) Okay, be very, very quiet." "Okay, okay." "Okay." "Right, right around here will be fine." "Incidentally, I really appreciate this very, very much." "Oh, I'm quite sure you do." "DJ ON RADIO:" "Enjoy all the good sounds..." "* Strangers in the night" "* Exchanging glances" "* Wondering in the night" "(TELEPHONE RINGING)" "Hello." "Alex who?" "I don't know, some guy." "Let me see." "Is Caroline Butler there?" "(WHISPERING) She's in the tub." "Who is this?" "It's her husband." "Who the hell is this?" "(DISCONNECTS LINE)" "Who was that on my phone?" "Um..." "Wrong number." "(LAUGHS)" "Ron, what are you doing?" "Well, somebody has got to pour the champagne." "You've been drinking, a lot, haven't you, Ron?" "(LAUGHS) Moi?" "Yep, a lot." "I think I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, now, okay?" "Why?" "There're no kids to go home to tonight." "Ron, get out." "We could make a great team, Caroline." "Really?" "What the hell's that supposed to mean?" "Well, basically, you dump Jack, you marry me, and it's Richardson," "(SIGHS) Frankel and Richardson." "Come on, what're you trying to tell me, that you're in love with me?" "(CHUCKLES) Oh, hell, no, but the client is." "All right, Ron, this is my official warning to you." "Get out!" "You are so adorable when you're angry." "Ron, get out." "(CHUCKLES) No, I'm not kidding." "Ron!" "Oh, don't be coy!" "(GRUNTS)" "Oh, trying to play hard to get, huh?" "(TELEPHONE RINGING)" "Aren't you gonna answer that?" "That's the fourth time it's rung in the last hour." "Oh, do you want me to answer it?" "Yeah." "Oh!" "Okay." "Okay." "Here we go!" "Hello!" "Okay." "Nobody there, I guess." "(SHATTERING)" "Oh, well, you probably want to be alone, huh?" "Yeah, okay, good." "All righty." "Well, you try to get some sleep now, okay?" "Don't worry." "My lips are sealed." "WOMAN ON TV:" "Hmm." "Won't be so bad when I get your bangs rolled." "Horrible." "I don't think I'll be called upon to defend my honor." "WOMAN:" "I doubt it." "I promised Jack I wouldn't say anything." "Now, remember, this is in strictest confidence." "Of course!" "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "Oh, good." "Another grownup." "What happened?" "Dad's making some minor changes." "Hi, Joan." "Just a little work around the house." "Kenny!" "Don't paint your sister." "Hey, Butler!" "Guess what!" "You had quite a burst of nervous energy last night." "Yeah." "You should have called me." "Hey, Butler!" "Yeah?" "I think I found your problem." "What is it?" "This shoe." "Oh..." "Kids." "Doris, this is a friend of mine, Joan." "DB." "Hi." "Kitchen's clean." "Hi, Joan." "I'm gonna check your basement for bugs." "I sure hope I don't find any." "I'm a little grimy and sweaty here." "Joan, I'm gonna go upstairs and take a shower." "You can get a drink." "You know where we keep everything." "Or watch television." "Whatever you want." "(HUMMING)" "Oh, wow!" "Hey, Jack!" "I love what you did to the bedroom." "(SOFTLY) Damn." "Thanks." "It's amazing what you can do with a Sears card." "That's from their safari collection." "You've got a problem." "Okay." "All right." "A, she's an attractive woman." "B, she wants you, Jack." "She wants you bad." "C..." "I don't even want to think about C." "D..." "Kenny would talk." "Alex..." "Alex would be okay." "Kenny would talk." "He'd crack." "M, I'm a free agent." "N, I could be in the middle of it," "I could have a heart attack." "I could die." "Caroline walks in, sees me there." "I die and get caught." "Joan?" "Caroline!" "What are you doing in my bedroom?" "Huh?" "This is my bedroom, isn't it?" "Yeah." "What are you doing here?" "Is it too early for a drink?" "All right, Y..." "Why did I get rid of that woobie?" "Z, you're not going to do anything." "'Cause you, my friend, are in love with your wife." "Joan..." "Jack." "Caroline?" "Well, now that we have the names straight." "Would you mind explaining to me why I come all the way home to talk to you and I find another woman in our room?" "Oh, look who's talking." "I called your hotel." "Richardson answers the phone, and I hear champagne chilling in the background?" "You heard that?" "Aha!" "Now, I'd appreciate it if you just don't talk to me right now because I'm doing my best to calm down." "(DOORBELL RINGING) All right?" "Excuse me." "I have a household to run." "(GASPS) Oh, Jack!" "Oh, Jack." "I'm in a lot of trouble." "Look." "I'm not talking to you!" "No, no, please." "Listen to me." "I cut the department to the bone and they caught me." "I've gotta have you back." "I'll do anything." "Dad, is Mommy home?" "Not now, kid!" "I'm talking here!" "I warned you, Jinx." "Oh!" "Gee!" "One punch." "You want a company car?" "Caroline!" "Ooh, I've caught you at a bad time here." "Hey." "Don't hit me, Jack." "I like what you've done with the place." "Gonna get a new tube." "Ron!" "Caroline." "I'm begging you." "Humphries' gonna pull the whole account unless you come back to work." "I told this guy last night 10 times that I quit!" "What'd he do, make a pass?" "I just got a little out of hand." "And she belted me." "You quit your job?" "I didn't like that job." "I'm gonna get another job, a better one." "Anyway, I miss my family." "I thought you loved that job." "Thanks." "How about three days at the office and two days at home?" "Thanks." "(CHATTERING)" "Jack, will you listen to me?" "Management wants you back." "Jack." "Thanks." "Basement's clean." "Okay." "Oh, thanks." "Look, he's offering me full salary and a company car." "What do you think?" "Are you kidding?" "Take it." "Okay look, Bert, tell him I don't make a move without Larry and Stan." "He doesn't make a move without Larry and Stan." "Oh, you got a deal." "Who are Larry and Stan?" "Thanks." "You really hit him?" "Don't you think I know how to take care of myself?" "Hurt your hand?" "No." "Missed you." "I missed you, too." "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" "My fellow Americans," "I am Howard Humphries, President of Schooner Tuna." "All of us here at Schooner Tuna sympathize with those of you hit so hard by these trying economic times." "In order to help you, we are reducing the price of Schooner Tuna by 50 cents a can." "When this crisis is over we will go back to our regular prices." "Until then, remember, we're all in this together." "Schooner Tuna, the tuna with a heart." "(ALL CLAMORING)"