"You Ali G have been found guilty of the charges of graffiti and dealing and boning too hard and being the baddest gangster, that Staines has ever seen." "I by the power invested in me by the state of Berkshire sentence you to death by 5 billion volts of the electric." "Pull the switch!" "Aghh, Julie, Julie, me Julie!" "Me Julie." "Aghh!" "All your electricity has done is given me more power to do Electric Boogaloo." "Booyakasha." "Easy now." "Me dedicate this show to all the people on Death row in Britain." "Me has read your letters and whatever you has done you don't deserve to fry." "Because and me don't want to scare people out there, but electricity ain't just used to power windmills." "It is also used to fry innocent gangsters." "So I is making a plea now to President Blaires, please stop elocution in this country." "There is a long history of injustice in this country:" "The Birmingham six, the Guildford six (wronly convicted as IRA-terrorists)" "(actually Guildford Four) and me meself was a member of the Staines seven" "who was all made to do gym in our pants for walking on the all weather pitch wiv non regulation trainers and I would do it again tomorrow, you will never crush the Staines seven!" "Anyways in me quest for justice me got to fly out to the USA and they even let me go Economy class." "SO check this." "Peace." "Over 15 murders happen in the US every second." "That is a well scary percentage." "When the coppers can't handle it they call this special branch called the FB Aii!" "So what actually is the FB?" " The FBI is the..." "Aii." " The FBI is the Federal Bureau of Investigation," "It's about 80 yrs old and was created in the early part of this century." "What is integeration?" "Interrogation really means questioning a suspect." "When I need to find some info from like Little Ric or whatever," "I take his head, put it down and do a guff on his head, then he will speak." "Do you think you could use this technique?" "You know, when we are trying to interrogate a suspect we use a certain amount of psychological pressure." "But if that failed,would you not consider guffing on his head?" "No." "I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but not as often, as movies make you think." "I might suspect that you're engaging in criminal activity..." "How would you know?" "Well say, one of my informers would tell me..." "One from Berkshire police?" "No." "Someone on the street, that I know tells me, you are selling drugs out of your apartment." "That ain't true!" " No, but if one tells me that your selling drugs." "Who?" " Just for example." "One of your friends tells me, that you're selling drugs." "And then another one" " Was it Dave?" "Then we can take that information and go to a judge and say we have reason to believe that Ali is selling drugs." "I ain't!" " No." " Who's been grassing me up?" "So, do you do stuff with the Mafia?" "Yeah, organised crime we refer to it." "Day to day kinds of crimes, that the Mafia is famous for is stealing shipments." "For real" " So if you and I highjack a truck full of Tommy Hillfiger sportswear... if you and I steal that merchandise and sell it on the street..." "Why is you talking about this on camera?" "You know that we is being filmed?" " Oh no, sure, but it happens all the time" "I mean you and I make $25,000 a piece." "You want to talk about this afterwards or..." "I'm just using this as an example." " Ah alright." " To make a point." "So what is third degree murder?" "If I come home and I find you there, in bed with my wife..." "That ain't never gonna happen!" "I swear!" "I don't know what your wife look like, but I swear I would never do that to you, even if you were my worst enemy." "I would never do that!" "Hyper... hypothetical." "I'm so angry, that I take my gun out and I shoot you and then my wife." " Well, I shoot you first!" "You don't have a chance cos i'm faster than you are." "For real." "I is busy boning your Mrs.!" " And I have a gun and you don't." "So that's murder." "I have no right, to murder you." "Because your..." "Cos I is slipping one in." "Check this." "We is now in a place called Hogans Alley, part of the FB training thing innit?" "Yep, this is FBI's academy training complex." "It was opening in 1987." "Now we teach you, how to knock to the FBI doors." "What?" "Kick it in the fucker?" " No you can't kick, don't kick!" "Once again, you are employee of the FBI." "That's in the movies." "Lets say theres someone and I say:" "Get down!" "And theres another... and then..." "It's a bog in here?" "!" " From here, one gets you in the back." "This is not a real person." "Just punch him in the face." "What you lookin at?" "What you lookin at?" "Shut up!" "Take that look off your face!" "What is your job?" "I'm the assistant director, in charge of all criminal investigations of the FBI." "I know your ain't supposed to talk about it, but everyone wants to know." "What is studio 54?" "It's a night club in New York City." "For real,but what's in the basement?" "You know what I is saying?" "I don't know what your..." "You know, long bodies, massive eyes, funny noses, you know, dong done in a knot, you know, big long fingers." "Is this from the X-files?" "Do you get calls in about aliens and all that kind of thing?" "No, I've never got one." "Because me mate Ricci C he was coming back from the Staines station and he was going past the Elmsley Center and he suddenly felt this fing grab him go up his exit hole." "The next day he found himself in dis trolley near the buses." "How do you explain that?" "I don't know anything about it." "I'm sorry." "Young people out there if they want to join the FB, what should they do?" "They should stay away from drugs, go to college and study hard." "And if they got none of those three, is they got a chance?" "They don't have much of a chance." "Selecta." "This week on the wheels of steel mixing and mashing it up Steve Tha4orce AKA DJ Manslaughter." "Easy now." " Easy now where you ging wid them... (Talks in patwa)" "Definitely." "(?" ")" "Thank you very much." "Our guest tonight is an Egyptian man who I got on cos I hear him pay you 20 grand and put you up in the Ritz, every time you ask a question." "Might be a nice little earner." "Big it up for..." "Mohammed Al-Fayed!" "Hi." "How are you doing?" " Big up yourself!" "Lovely to see you." "Please sit down." "Sit down." "So tell me Alf, how much is you worth?" "Last year my tax contribution was 118 million." "I bet you is so rich, you always supersize your Burger King Aii?" "I bet you always go large, even if you ain't that hungry." "You just say, 40p whatever give it to me!" "That's right." "That's all right." "Is you rich enough Mohammed, that you have someone to clean your balls?" " Its possible." "It s possible?" " Yeah." "Cos I know that me need a whole work force to clean mine." "And that ain't cos they is dirty that because they is so big!" "I'll send you my own cleaner" "For real?" " They have a special hoovers." "Where they suck your balls off." "I fink I'll just have a bath actually." "I don't know whether you know, but Neil Hamilton came on this show and cos I like you I wanna tell you what he said." "He said he saw you wearing knickers and a bra and singing" "La la la, I wish I was a girl." "He is the one doing that, not me." "He's famous for doing that." " Really?" "Well known yeah!" "So what would you say, if you saw him now?" "Nothing, for me he is nothing..." "Well please welcome on Neil Hamilton!" "I got you sussed!" "?" "You thought he was coming on." "You're joking." "I saw him in the court for 5 weeks, no problem." "Is it true you is after a British passport?" "Not really very important." "So how come, you ain't got one?" "Because the bloody politicians have no conscience, have no dignity, have no honour." "Right?" " Right?" "I tell you what." " Yep Because I like you Mo." " Thank you." "I'll put you in touch with me mate Dave, he can get his hand on loads of passports." "This one is 70 squid." " Right, 70 quid." "This one is 30 squid cos you have to pretend to be Bangladeshi." "Yeah I'll take this one" " It's gonna cost you." "How much, £50?" " Yeah for real." "Cost me now 100 pounds, to come here." " Easy." "You can come every week." "Thank you." "Now Mo what ways has you thought of improving Harrods?" "It's now the ultimum place in the world." "You don't know that, it has already been improved." "Have you ever thought of selling everything for a pound?" "Cos it is a very good way to get custorners in." "There's a shop in Eggham that does that and it's always full." "Maybe next sale I will do that" "Do you shop at your own store?" "Only after hours." "Can I give you a tip?" "Try Argos, same thing... for quarter of the price." "Ladies and Gentlemen big it up for Mohammed Al Fayed!" "Now drug ain't just a four letter word, they is out there on the street and thats something we all need to know about." "That is way me spoke to Professor John Henry from the" "National poisons information service about the dangers of drugs." "Flavour." "We is gonna be talking about the drug ting." "Let's start from over here." "I mean that's Morocco Black innit, or?" " Yes" "Have to be a bit stupid if you didn't know that." "How much would that cost you on the street." "About 60,70 pounds.." "Aii!" "Your probably being ripped off." "You could get it cheaper." "0k." "What is the name for it?" "We all know its called the bionic, the puff, the black, the herb,the sensey, the cronic, the sweet Mary Jane, the shit,the bomb, the ganger, the refer, the bag,the budha, the home grown, the hill," "the mowemowe,the method, the pot, the shake, the wacky... spliff, zero, maroc, orange bud but is there any other terms that parents should be aware of?" "Puff, blow lots of names, draw..." "And what is its effects?" "You can go paranoid, which means you think, people or things are coming at you." " Aiii." "It makes your heart race, blood pressure can go low, so you can feel a bit woosey sometimes." "Its got a lot of medical effects on the body." "And is there any negative effects?" "Well those are negative effects." " For real." "In the long term, there are negative effects." "For starters, would you recommend this as a good first smoke?" "I wouldn't recommend it, no." "So far this stuff is all legal." "No it's not." "No but if you has got it in your home, then that is cool innit?" "No it is, it's all illegal, it's all against the law" "But if you is using it for personal use or whatever you is... it is legal if you've got half a kilo or something like that?" "I wouldn't like to try that on." " Alright." "What if it's your religion?" "Then you have to convince the court." "But lets say someone don't look like a rasta, but they is got a couple of Bob Marley records, is got one of those hats with dreads attached or whatever." "Do you think that that would get them off in a court?" "Don't think so." " Alright." "And which drugs is class A?" "Class A drugs are hard drugs like Heroine and Cocaine." "Does class A guarantee a better quality?" "Nothing to do with quality, you can have total crap." "Ok, so what is these?" "Chemical name is 3 4 metholine dioxin methanephetamine which is why a lot of people call it ecstasy." "Ain't the most worrying thing, that it make you enjoy house music?" "Yeah you enjoy music." "Yeah." "Is there a chemical inside it dat actually make you dance like a bell end?" "Yes it makes you dance." "What is that chemical called?" "Well it's the it is the ecstasy" "How many E's can you take in one night and still be safe, if you has to do it." "Some people can take two or three E's without problems." "Because I is never ever taken any drugs and you can test me piss but I is got a mate called dangerous Dave, and I ain't gonna say his family name but he say, that he has taken 22 E's in one night." "Did he have a headache?" "Did he feel..." "Well he said he found it difficult to get to sleep, but the next day he was really buzzing and the people on the Eggham to Ruislip bus said that he drove it better than he ever did before." "So do you think that it can actually help you?" "It wouldn't help you to drive a bus." "Do you think it's right to give animals an E?" "Well if you want to know more about a substance" "I'd rather you gave it to a rabbit or a rat rather than testing it on yourself." " For real?" "What if they look sad?" "Do you think it's right to give your animal an E then?" " I don't think it would help." "Because me mate Jazzy F once fed one to his dog and it went mental and started barking and then tried to bone the cat." "Is that kind of thing possible?" "It's quite possible, yes." "Don't forget one tablet is a lot for a dog." " For real!" "Which is the type of acid that actually make you fly?" "No acid makes you fly." "But..." " Acid can make you think you can fly." "But ain't there one cos me made Dave said, he took this type and he flew all around the room and then his mum told him to get some ciggies from the shop and he actually flew there down the Eggham high street" "and was back in like five seconds or whatever, but he forgot to buy the ciggies." "Well that's the answer, isn't it?" "You think things are happening you may think you can fly but your feet are still on the ground, if you're not careful, you may trip up and hurt yourself." "So with the whole thing here what is the lesson the real lesson that people out there really need to know?" "Substances, chemicals, drugs, effect the way your body works." "For real?" " Your body is beautifully constructed." "Thank you." "It works very very well." "If you take any of these things, you run a big risk of making it work not so well." " Aii." "Now it time for Borat the Kazakhstani journalist, who has come over to learn about British customs." "He should have just asked me mate Dave, him spent three days there with there hands up his batty on his way back from Morocco last year." "Check it." "Jagshemash." "Every Englishman must have a hobby." "Some like to collect the stamp some like to make the jam, but the most fun is to kill a little animal with a shot gun or rip him up with a wild dog." "This why I come to the countryside to find out about English hobby," "Dzienkuje." "Hello you are here on a hunt?" "Yes, yes I am." "Why do you not have horse?" "I can't afford one to be quite honest." "Why not?" "I'm retired now." "You are a retard?" " Yes." "Like a mongoloid." "So you hunt a lot?" "I hunt a lot, yes." " You are a real man?" " Yes, I am." " We say man who do not hunt in Kazakhstan is like a man with no... how you say?" "You'd say no bollocks." " Yes, bollocks." "I shouldn't say that." " You have big bollocks" " Yes" "Probably." " You have big bullocks?" "No I don't think so, not now." " Can I touch them?" "No!" " Why not?" " It's private." "You are English Policeman?" " I am, yes." "Hello." " Hello." "And do you believe in the hunt?" "I have to remain impartial in my job." "Yes, because you are English policeman." "The greatest policeman in the force." "And they say everything's cricket in England, don't they?" "Everything is Cricket..." "This is Cricket?" "Just a saying." " They play?" " Cricket?" " Yes, Cricket!" "Listen, Cricket is a gentleman's sport" " Yes" "Everyone has the right to be gentlemanly in England as such." "And they play cricket today?" "No, no, no I'm confusing you now." "Yes." " Forget Cricket Sorry that was just a saying." "And people they do protest against the cricket?" "Forget the cricket, the cricket is purely a saying." "Yes, you just said cricket." " Yes I just said cricket, forget about it." "Nothing to do with hunting." "So why did you say this?" "!" "Why do you like to hunt the fox?" " I do not hunt the fox." "I think people that hunt the fox are the scum of the earth." "In Kazakhstan.." "Do you kill bears?" "Yes, often" " He kills bears." "Do you kill bears?" "That's evil." "No, in Kazakhstan we shoot animals, we do not hunt ihe fox." "Well you shouldn't be talking to us, because we love animals." "We love, we love animals too." " Why do you shoot them?" "For fun." "You evil bastard, piss off." "You've got no bloody brains, piss off." "I do not kill fox." "But you kill bears!" "There is no more bear in Kazakhstan" " Cos your killed them all." "In Kazakshtan we love animal" " Good for you." "Most popular programme on TV is animal programme." " Good" "Is called dancing dog and cat." "They dress the dog like a family royal like prince Elizabeth, one with crown and they dance one..." " Do they treat that animal well?" "Yes they treat very well and they give a food and only the floor is... a bit hot, so they jump." "It is a great." "We love in Kazakhstan to kill animal." "A hunt is so much fun." " It is much fun, it is much fun" "It is great feeling when you kill an animal" " It is, it is." "It make you feel like a real man." " It makes you feel big." "We like to shoot a dog in Kazakhstan." " You shoot dogs?" " Yes." "Well in England we rather like dogs." "So we don't." "But why do you like them?" "In Kazakhstan they think is crazy." "Thank you very much" " OK, bye, bye, bye." "Dzienkuje" " Safe journey" " Thank you, dzienkuje." "Having got to know Mo a bit:" "I is feeling his injustice" "I is gonna try and help him out now to get a British passport." "Now as far as I can see your inability to rap is your main obstacle to getting a British passport." "So lets sort it out: right here right now, you and me Mo, is gonna be like a pair of rappers." " Excellent." "I is Snoop, you is Dr Dre." "I is Chuck D you is Flavour Flav," "I is the Method Man, you is the Old Dirty Bastard." "You are the dirty bastard." "DJ give me the beat" "Here come the shop keeper" " Mohammed" "Him the libel case winner" " Al Fayed" "Him got a nice face" " Al Fayed" "His name is Mohammed" " Al Fayed" "He got a big winky" " Al Fayed" "Na na'na ninky" " Al Fayed" "He got a nice face." " Al Fayed" "Now Mohammed cos we is good mates now." "Next time I go into Harrods, and I see something that I like, I got one question:" "Can I nick it" " You can't nick it" "Can I nick it" " But for you is ok" "Can I nick it" " Yes ok" "Good cos I was gonna do it anyway." "Go MO you go mo yo go mo yo go mo slow mo Free style" "Mohammed Ali," "I am Mohammed and you are Ali " "That's true Mo" "Shake your batty shakey shakey hay hay" "Big him up!" "This man is the greatest Egyptian rapper." "If you don't give him a passport at least give him a recording contract." "Me saying good night." "Bo."