"Bruce Willis is dead." "What?" "Bruce Willis, he's a ghost." "Why would you tell me that?" "I don't know." "Makes me feel good." "Thanks a lot." "Oh, Million Dollar Baby." " Yeah." "You seen it?" " No." "She dies." "What?" "She breaks her neck and she dies." "You're a mean little dude." "Gentlemen, I am proud to announce that my comrade and I have reclaimed the high score in Hell Hunters." "That's probably 'cause you're the only ones at the bar who still play that game." "So there we are, face to face with a brain-thirsty mob of zombies." "It looks hopeless." "That's when I spot the zombie fuel truck." "But before I take aim" "I blast it." "And it blows up." "It's like we're one mind with two bodies." "Neither of which will ever get laid." "Hey, thanks for that break, Jason, I needed it." "Seems like all I've been doing lately is working on Russ Thompson's campaign." "Who's Russ Thompson?" "He's the democrat running for Manhattan Borough President whose campaign I've been working on." "We're going to his fundraiser tomorrow night." "I'm pretty sure we've been through this." "This may shock you, but I don't listen to a lot of what you say." "I put a flyer on the bulletin board." "We have a bulletin board?" "You guys have to come support Russ Thompson, all right?" "We cannot let him lose to that republican douche bag Jack Clark." "Look, I'm as big a Democrat as the next guy who doesn't vote." "But..." "I can't go." "I gotta go do a recognize tomorrow night." "A "recognize"?" "What are you talking about?" "Whenever my boss starts dating a new girl, he likes me to show up at the restaurant and pretend to recognize him." "Makes the girl think he's still famous." "Glad to see your econ major's paying off." "But, I mean, why are you still working for that lunatic?" "Because that lunatic is my ticket to rock immortality." "The guy made Rolling Stone's list of all-time top record producers." "Didn't his last album totally tank?" "Yeah, but what do you expect?" "It was the Bachman-Turner Overdrive without Bachman or Turner." "Okay, so no Barry." "Bobby, you're coming, right?" "No, because I'm not a Democrat." "What are you?" "I'm an unregistered." "Oh, please, you'll get hungry around 6:00 and beg me to come for the free food." "Jason, I assume you're in." "Um, actually, I have a prior obligation." "What is it?" "It's a personal thing." "Uh-oh." "Someone has a date with an ugly chick." "What?" "Aw, come on!" "Prior obligation." "Personal thing." "What is it?" "Is she hairy?" "I don't have a date with a hairy girl." "N-n-n-no, of course you don't." "Because she's... hairless?" "You guys, it's a personal thing." "And it's none of your business." "Well, wait a minute." "I could put the hairy chick with no hair down as your plus one." "It's about time." "She'll be here any minute." "I'm sorry." "Okay, do you want the standard routine or the "I'm from the Nobel Prize selection committee"?" "Now, just keep it simple." "Okay, you stop me." "You beg me to take a photo." "I will generously allow it, demonstrating to my date that not only am I very famous, but magnanimous towards my fans." "Quickly, here she comes." "Oh!" "Whoo-hoo-hoo!" "You look ravishing, Kathy." "Sherry." "Very good." "Waiter, a sherry for Kathy." "Oh!" "What" " Nick Dresden, the big music producer!" "Oh, wow." "I don't want to embarrass you, but you are, like, a rock god." "Hey, do you think that maybe I could just get a photo with you?" "Bugger off, you wanker!" "So what'd you think of Thompson?" "I thought he had some really good ideas." "Like, those chunks of melon wrapped in ham?" "Yeah, that's why I'm voting for him." "So I just ran into Jason and his date." "And?" "Hairy or hairless?" "Actually, neither." "Pretty good-lookin'." "She does have a penis, though." "Wait, what are you talkin' about?" "Jason was having dinner with a dude." "So what?" "So there." "And there." "And there." "Whoa." "Are they sharing a dessert?" "Creme brulee." "Wow." "No wonder he didn't want to tell us where he was going tonight." "But wait, that doesn't mean that he's" "Look, I'm not saying that he's definitely" "No, we don't have any concrete evidence that he's" "Yeah." "Although..." "We've known all along!" "I mean, think about it." "We saw the signs." "In eighth grade, when we all went to see Jurassic Park, who snuck in to Sleepless In Seattle?" "He used to design clothes for his G.I. Joes." "Yeah." "So, it's official." "Jason's gay." "What do we do now?" "I think we have to tell him that we know." "I mean, why make him go on living a lie?" "I agree." "Let's make him feel really safe and comfortable." "I think I know how we can get him to open up." "We'll just tell him our stories." "What stories?" "You know, the gay stuff everyone does when they're kids." "I think that's a great idea." "Yeah, yeah." "You go first." "Yeah, and then I'll go." "I'll go last." "'Cause I'm sure mine will be the gayest." "Okay, um" "You guys remember when we went to Camp Middlewood in 1989?" "And I used to get the prickly heat on my legs." "And I always wore that shorty robe?" "Yeah, your kimono." "So anyway, I'm coming back from the showers one time." "I'm in that robe." "And I got baby oil on my legs because of the prickly heat." "Go on." "I--I go into my cabin." "And, uh, there's my bunkmate, Sheldon Dratch." "Now, Dratch used to always do this joke where he put his hand on your chair just before you sat down, and then he'd poke you in the butt." "Right, right, right, yeah." "So I go to sit down." "Dratch puts his finger under me." "All I got on is the shorty robe and the baby oil, you know?" "So, I mean, I sit down, and, well" "Bloop." " Bloop?" " Bloop?" "Bloop." "So, uh, for how--how long?" "Oh, just, like, a second." "Like, a couple seconds." "You know, actually, now that I think about it, it was really just an accident." "I mean, it's not exactly a gay story" "Dude, you got Dratched!" "Ha ha ha." "Yeah, all right." "We'll see who's laughing when you guys tell me your stories, huh?" "You guys don't have any stories, do you?" "It's 11:00." "Where is he?" "Maybe Mr. Creme Brulee invited him in for a casual gay encounter." "You wouldn't think it would take so long." "I mean, there's no foreplay, right?" "Not that I know." "I don't know!" "Shut up." "Hey, guys." "Hey, girl." "You're lookin' fierce." "Can I get you a glass of chardonnay?" "Then we can dish." "Uh..." "I'm good." "Uh, so... how was your evening?" "It was fine." "Did you, uh, satisfy your obligation?" "Okay, what is going on with you guys?" "All right, all right." "Look, I'm just gonna come out and say it." "We think that you're hiding something from us." "And we know about the guy you had dinner with tonight." "How do you know about that?" "Were you following me?" "No, no." "I just happened to be at the restaurant and I happened to see you two." "And he happened to take some pictures." "Who I have dinner with is none of your business." "Look, Jase." "Whatever it is, we're cool with it." "All right, you don't have to keep who you are a secret from us." "We're your friends." "No matter what." "All right." "I guess I knew I'd have to tell you guys someday." "I kept it hidden for so long." "My parents don't even know." "Hey, it's cool." "It's cool, okay?" "You just let it out." "All right?" "Just let that right out." "Okay." "Okay." "I'm..." "I'm... a Republican." "Hoo!" "Wow." "What a relief!" "Just to get it out there." "That's your secret?" "Yep." "Wow." "A gay Republican." "What?" "I'm not gay." "Why would you think that?" "Well, you spend more on shampoo than I do on food." "And then tonight I catch you having a romantic dinner with a dude." "It wasn't romantic." "He runs Jack Clark's campaign for Borough President." "I'm working with him." "You're a Republican?" "Since when?" "I suspected back in middle school." "But it wasn't till the '96 election that I knew for sure." "You were so in love with Clinton." "But I just wasn't feeling it." "At night I'd lock my door and download Bob Dole's platform." "Okay, I just threw up in my mouth a little right there." "Man, it's not that big a deal." "We'll just avoid talking about politics when Jason's in the room." "Yeah, just like we avoid talking about spiders when Bobby's in the room." "Dude, stop it!" "Right now!" "I'm sorry, you can't expect me to just accept this." "You're right, I don't." "That's why I never told you." "So it's better to lie to me all these years?" "Who are you?" "Don't you think you're blowing this a little out of proportion?" "It's just politics." "It's not just politics." "It's about core beliefs." "And now, I'm finding out we stand for completely different things." "Like what?" "Like I care about compassion." "And taking care of people." "Oh, and protecting the environment." "I'm for all those things." "I just don't think a bloated government is the way to get to them." "Listen to you! "Bloated government"?" "And this is why I don't vote." "So what are you saying?" "That if I'm a Republican, we can't be friends?" "I don't know." "Maybe." "Oh, come on, Ben." "After everything we've been through together, you're gonna let this one little thing get between us?" "It's not a little thing to me." "So." "Barry's got a funny camp story." "So you still mad at Jason?" "I'm not mad at Jason." "I'm mad at the selfish, hateful Republican ideology that fills his cold, dead heart." "What are you doing?" "Sending out campaign materials for Russ Thompson." "Hello." "Hello." "May I sit?" "Free country." "No thanks to you." "Stuffing envelopes?" "Yes." "You too?" "Yeah." "Trying to get a thousand letters out by tomorrow." "I'm gonna get a thousand out today." " Are you?" " Uh-huh." " Good luck to you." " And to you." "Ow!" " Ooh, paper cut?" " No." "Ow!" " Cut your tongue?" " No." "Guys!" "Guys, what's the big deal?" "What's the big deal?" "Look, if he had his way, the rich wouldn't pay taxes and Alaska would become one giant gas station." "That is such a crock." "You can't even argue your point without resorting to hyperbole." "Ooh, big word from someone who wants to eliminate the Department of Education." "Stop it!" "If this is the way it's gonna be around here..." "I may just have to get a job!" "You know, Nick, there are times I wish" "I'd never responded to your ad in The Village Voice." "There are times I wish I'd never responded to certain ads in The Village Voice myself." "Barry?" "Who's that?" "It's a friend of mine." "Do I have to remind you that this is a place of business?" "Bobby, what are you doing here?" "We got a real problem at home." "Jason and Ben are at each other's throats." "Barry?" "Is your friend here to ask my advice?" "Yes, Nick." "My friend is here to ask your advice." "Allow him to enter." "And welcome to Oz." "So... flatmates having a bit of a row?" "They are." "Your Majesty." "Let me tell you a little story, boys." "Led Zeppelin." "1975." "It was the opening night of their Physical Graffiti tour in Manchester." "Robert Plant was angry at Jimmy Page for hiding his show scarves yet again." "They both refused to play." "But luckily, I remembered they loved deep-sea fishing." "So I hired them a boat." "Put them on it." "And let them catch a marlin." "By showtime, they were right as rain." "So the point you're making is that by getting them together to do something they loved, it reminded them of what their friendship is really about." "No." "The point I'm trying to make is, I know Jimmy Page and Robert Plant." "So here's the deal." "You guys need to make up." "And one time Led Zeppelin caught this fish." "So we think you should play this game together." "As sound as your argument is, buddy, our issues run pretty deep." "And I don't think playing a video game is gonna help." "Just humor us, okay?" "All right, let's get this over with." "Fine." " There's one over there." " Got it." " No, heads-up, 3 o'clock." " Yeah, check." " Oh, whoa, whoa." "Here they come." " Go, go, go, go." "Nice shot!" "Good eyes." "It's like they're having make-up sex." "See?" "Guns aren't always bad." "Yeah, when you're using them to shoot zombies." "Or defending your home against an intruder." "Or when you accidentally shoot your mailman." "Hey, hey, hey." "Eyes on the prize." "These zombies aren't gonna kill themselves." "They're also not gonna wait two weeks while I get a gun permit." "Okay!" "You know what?" "Game over, all right?" "This isn't gonna work." "Thanks for trying." "That's one thing we can agree on." "Excuse me, I'm so" "Barry?" "Yeah." "It's me!" "Sheldon Dratch from camp!" "Sheldon freakin' Dratch!" "You have no idea how happy we are to see you." "Hey, yes!" "Ben, Jason, Bobby." "Wow!" "This is so great." "Gosh!" "Barry, what's it been?" "15 years since I've seen you, huh?" "You have not changed a bit." "Bloop!" "But right, you know what?" "Let's all take a seat." "We'll catch up." "Come on, Barry, you sit next to me." "Old times." "Boom." "W-w-wait, you gotta show me how that works one more time, Sheldon." "Sure, sure." "You see, the natural oils in my finger--bloop--dissipate the foam." "So you just pop your finger right up in there?" "Yep." "Right up in there." "Okay, guys, we've taken up enough of Sheldon's time." "I'm sure he's someplace to be." "Not really." "We don't see a ring on this finger, huh?" "Just hit the road, Jackass." "Same old Barry." "All right, well, I guess it's getting late." "I better scoot." "But listen, I just wanna say how great it is that the four of you have stayed so close for so long." "Real quick, what's your secret?" "Well, we get along really well." "We have a lot of history." "I don't know." "What do you guys think?" "I don't know." "We're... kind of the brothers we never had." "Yeah." "We know each other better than anyone else." "And we just--I guess we just try not to let stuff get between us... usually." " Yeah." " Yeah." "Usually." "Well, you're a lucky bunch of guys." "I hope you realize that." "Seriously, get out." "All right, I'm out." "Boom, boom, boom." "Great guys." "All right." "So, you wanna go splatter some zombie brains, you fascist?" "I could do that." "Commie." "Isn't it weird?" "Sheldon Dratch just happened to show up here?" "Not really." "I looked him up in the phonebook and invited him." "Got any more movies you wanna ruin for me?"