"Who's that?" "That's the father." "Why's he running away?" "He's not, he's going after that woman." "Why?" "Because she thinks their kids are in that house, and he doesn't want her to go in there." "Because it's haunted?" "No, because it's on fire." "We just watched a whole scene about that." "Hey, kiddo." "What're you watching?" "This awesome movie." "The fireman, he trapped his kids in a haunted house and he set it on fire." "Matthew, I really don't think he should be watching this kind of movie." "He's not." "I don't know what movie he's watching." "Christine!" "What'd she make for dinner?" "I'm starving." "Oh... no dinner." "She's out with a guy." "On a date?" "Well, it's not just a date." "A fifth date." "Oh." "Who's the guy?" "Burton." "Some attorney." "Drives a Jag." "She's way into him." "Fifth date." "You're enjoying this, aren't you?" "You think I'm going to flip out because my ex-wife is dating the same guy a couple times." "Not a couple-- five." "Five." "Five." "Give me what?" "Five." "You know, I was hoping I wouldn't have to bring this up, but tonight is our fifth-date anniversary, and I was kind of... looking forward to a gift." "I got you something." "I got you something, but it isn't wrapped." "Oh, where is it?" "In my pants." "Oh, my God!" "You can't give me the same thing you gave me for our fourth-date anniversary." "Oh!" "Hello!" "Wow." "I didn't mean to..." "Richard... no, we were just..." " Yes, I saw." "Nice." " Yeah." "I'm Burton Schaefer." "Richard Campbell." "Christine's husband." "Ex-husband." "Oh, God." "Right." "Wonder what the psychiatrists would say about that." "They'd say you were leaving." "Well I should probably head out, too." "Thanks for stopping by." "Let's do this again soon." "Richard!" "What?" "Burt can take a joke." "His name's Burton." "He must hear a lot of jokes." "That's okay." "No, I-I... we've got a big anniversary tomorrow, so I should probably go home and wrap her gift." "Nice meeting you." "I like him." "He's a good-looking guy." "Almost pretty." "Good night, Richard." "What?" "It's a compliment." "He's a very adorable man." " Hello?" " Hey, it's me." "Look, I'm sorry about tonight." "I was just trying to be funny." "Really?" "'Cause it wasn't funny." "It was like Benny Hill not-funny." "Benny Hill is hilarious." "I can't have this conversation again." "Hang on, somebody's calling." "Uh... hold on." " Hello?" " Hey, you got to see this." "A woman's having fat removed, and it fills an entire trash can." " Ooh." "Channel?" " Forty-six." "It's easily the grossest thing I've ever seen." "Oh!" "That's disgusting!" "Who would watch this?" " I-I got to go." " Yeah, me, too." "Hey, sorry, sorry." "Matthew just wanted me to see this show where they remove people's fat." " Ooh, what channel?" " Forty-six." "Oh, my God." "Why would they put her fat in a trash can?" "Yeah." "Does the trash man pick that up?" "'Cause I can't even get him to take my old couch." "All right, you know what?" "I got to get some sleep." "Wait, wait." "I called because I felt bad about how I acted." "I was a real jerk, and I'd like to make it up to you." "Fine, give me a trash can to put my ass in." "Listen, Richard, that's very nice of you, but you don't have to..." " Oh!" " Oh!" "Wow, that's a powerful vacuum." "Look, let's go out to dinner, you and Burton, me and Christine." "I'll buy." "A double date?" "Ooh, I don't know." "Isn't that kind of weird?" "Why?" "Because we're divorced?" "So what?" "You obviously like this guy." "I'd like to get to know him." "I don't know." "Oh, that's Burton." "Okay, hang on, don't move." "Hi there." "I know I just saw you, but I had to hear your voice one more time before I went to bed." "That is so sweet." "Listen, um, I've got kind of a weird proposal for you." "Yes." "No, no." "Richard's on the other line, and... he wants to take us to dinner to sort of make up for being such a jerk tonight." "What do you think?" "Is that weird?" "Uh, it's very friendly." "Well, next week we can go to my ex-wife's for dinner, you know?" "Oh, maybe she'll make her famous "I-never-loved-you and-your-former-law-partner- is-a-better-love- than-you'll-ever-be" potpie." "We can go to dinner." "Okay, fine, all right." "I'll see you tomorrow." "Night." "Hey, we're on." "Great." "I'll talk to Christine and call you tomorrow." "Okay." "Sounds like a plan." "Oh, God, this is Matthew again, I got to go." "Bye." "What?" "They're removing a 200-pound tumor from this guy's leg." " Ooh." "Channel?" " Sixty-three." "Thanks for doing this, honey." "I think it's really gonna be fun." "Do you?" "You're not going to feel a little icky about seeing your ex-wife with a serious boyfriend?" "No." "Why would I?" "If anything, it's a relief." "If Christine pairs up, then we don't have to feel guilty about our relationship." "You feel guilty?" "Did I say guilty?" "I meant lucky." "Which is basically the same thing when you're Catholic." "Luckily, you're a better kisser than a liar." "Hi." "Hi." " Oh, hi." "Sorry." " Hi." " We were just..." " Yeah, we saw." "Very classy." "So, Burton, you've met Richard." "This is his girlfriend, New Christine." " Hi." " Hi." "Actually, I'm not new." "I've been here for 28 years." "I'm just new compared to her." "Well, let's eat quickly, 'cause I have to get back to the home." "Well, I'm new, too, so I guess you can just call me New Burton." "New Burton." "Isn't that a town in Connecticut?" "Yeah." "So, Burton, I just want to say sorry about the other night." "We both said some things we regret." "I don't remember saying anything." "I accept your apology." "Let's just forget about it and have a good night." "Good evening." " Hi." " Hi." "I will be back in a moment to take your drink orders." "Thank you." "You okay there?" "Yeah, it's my... it's my new date night underwear." "It just got to fifth base." "Really, I want you to feel free to say anything around me." "Christine, you look great tonight." " Oh, thank you." " Yeah." "Your makeup's really doing its job." "So what's everybody having?" "I'm sorry... my makeup is doing its job?" "What... what does that mean?" "What?" "It was a compliment." "You look good." "Richard, you don't compliment a person's makeup." "You compliment their face, not the thing that's covering up their face." "That's like... that's like talking about somebody's girdle." "That looks like it's doing its job, too." "You know, people in love-handle houses should not throw stones, buddy." "You guys, stop." "I'm sure you're making Burton uncomfortable." "No, no, it's fine." "Actually, I'm very comfortable." "It reminds me of my honeymoon." "Minus the flying ashtrays and Moroccan police." "No, you're right" " I promise we won't be sniping at each other all night, right?" "I'm sorry, too." "It's a bad habit." "Can we just start this whole night over?" " I like that idea." " Yeah." "So, Burton... what sort of law do you practice?" "I'm an immigration lawyer." "Mostly Mexico and Central America." "I like it a lot, you know?" "Helping people find a better life and get a little piece of the American dream." "Of course, we still have a long ways to go..." "But, anyway, most recently, I've been down in Tijuana, trying to reunite this family." "The mom's been working here, and the kids are down there, and well, she's..." "It's really... it's really sad." "I always get a laugh at that part." "No, I'm sorry." "It's just when you said, "Tijuana,"" "it reminded me of this story that Christine and I have." "No, no, Lord, please do not tell that story, okay?" "I am trying to make a good impression." "Wait, now I've got to hear the story." "What is it?" "We were in this bar." "Christine was drunk-- which, by the way, is how most of our stories start." "Oh, that's lovely." "Thank you." "She stole the waiter's whistle and started giving everyone shots." "No." "I didn't steal the whistle." "Gosh, I bought it... by showing the waiter my bra." "And?" "My underwear." "And?" "The top of my butt." "Which, by the way, is how most of our stories end." "Uncle Matthew... what does my mom do when she goes out?" "Uh, what does she tell you she does?" "She just says she's going out." "Okay, well, if you have to know..." "When your mom goes out, she she fights crime." "Why does she get all dressed up?" "Well, that's her disguise." "She brushes her hair and puts on clean clothes so no one will recognize her." "You know what, Ritchie?" "No more questions about your mom." "Okay." "What makes some people gay?" "Your mom's on a date." "And you couldn't say anything, because he knew... you were wearing his hat." "Yeah, they never run out of stories." "Not ever." "Ever, ever, ever." "Last one had a twist, though." "They were sober." "I didn't see that coming." "Remember Vermont?" "No, Richard, don't." "I think they're... they're mad." "Burton, are you getting mad?" "Why would I be mad?" "It's like watching an alcoholic travel show." "Ah, we got to do this again real soon." "I'm at my mother's next week, so it would have to be the week after that." "Yeah, or never." "Oh, right." "Or never." "Wait." "You're really mad?" "No, it's... it's fine." "It doesn't matter, all right?" "I'm just..." "I'm gonna go get the car." "You know, I think I'll go with you." "Uh, well, we'll be right there." "Ass!" "Me?" "What?" "You were laughing, too." "At least I didn't do the duck walk for the waiter." "Richard, that got a laugh." "And you know damn well if I'm getting a laugh, I'm not gonna stop." "This is your fault." "How is this my fault?" "Because you kept telling those tired, old stories, and making Burton feel completely left out." "He's a lawyer." "I'd think he'd be used to being left out." "Ass!" "Christine." "Christine?" "Christine?" "Christine, wait, wait." "Are you actually mad at me?" "You spent the entire evening trying to sabotage my relationship." "Why would I do that?" "I don't know, Richard." "Maybe that's a question you need to be asking yourself." "Richard, I really like this guy." "I feel good when I'm with him." "And he's the first guy that I've met since we broke up that I can really see myself staying with." "Oh." "Well..." "That's good." "That's great." "I just hope he forgives me." "Hi." "Hello." "Oh, I am so sorry you had a terrible time." "Well, you know, we've been together for six dates now." "You've got to take the bad with the good." "Will you forgive me?" "I mean, we just..." "We get caught up in our old stuff." "Yeah, you know, speaking of that old stuff, there seems to be a lot of it." "Should I be threatened?" "Oh, God, no." "It's just a bunch of dumb stories from a million years ago." "I want to make new stories." "With you." "Yeah, then we can take your new boyfriend out to dinner and rub in his face." "Oh, please, Burton." "I mean... if you let me, I promise I can make it up to you." "How are you gonna do that?" "Well, I can think of, uh, five ways just like right off the top of my head." "The first two you are truly gonna love." "And the third is mostly for me." "Well, let's start with the third and then work our way backwards." "Wow." "...and so the good news is Christine really, really likes him." "Well, it is good news." "That's what I said." "I'm happy for her." "Yeah." "Maybe they'll get married." "Hey, wouldn't that be swell." "Watch." "I'm going to get blamed for this, too." " How is he?" " what they say?" "We don't know yet, but it looks bad." "It might be his toe." "His toe?" "Oh God." "Which one?" "The one that went to market or the one that ate roast beef?" "Hey, a toe injury is not funny, Richard." "It's true." "I lost the nail on my pinky toe." "It never grew back." "Now I have to paint the skin." "Richard?" "Richard, have you seen the medical shows?" "I mean, toe injuries can lead to very serious complications." "In some cases, death." "Oh, forgive me." "I didn't realize I was speaking to a medical professional, Doctor..." "Shove It." "Janice P. Shove It, M.D." "That's very mature." "Oh, you want to talk about mature?" "You just tried to kill my boyfriend." " You know, I was there, and it wasn't..." " It was an accident." "Oh, there are no accidents, Richard." "I mean, maybe you didn't mean to do it, but you still did do it unconsciously." "Unconsciously?" "Like in a coma?" " I think she meant..." " You are unbelievable." "Don't you mean sub-believable?" "You know what I mean, you toe-killer." "All right, stop it." "That's enough." "I can't take it anymore." "You're not even making sense." "You're just saying words." "You see?" "Even your girlfriend thinks you're an ass." "Well, you're an ass, too, Christine." "Me?" "What did I do?" "Well, it's both of you and this messed-up dynamic you have." "You get going and it's like no one else exists, and it's not just tonight." "It's all the time." "With the constant phone calls and the daily visits, the obnoxious reminiscing." "It was only a matter of time before someone got hurt." "You are supposed to be divorced." "Why can't you act like it?" "Christine, you have to understand, we have a kid together." "We're always going to be connected." "Oh, don't pull that." "This has nothing to do with your kid." "This is the two of you unable to separate from each other." "I'm leaving." "I'll go with you." "No." "You stay here, Richard." "I'm serious." "You two need to figure out what your deal is, because until you do, I don't think there's any room in it for me." "I need the keys." "I need money for parking." "Yes." "Nice work, Dr. Campbell." "Thanks." "Okay." ""Remove Adam's apple, including the core." "You'll end up with money and friends galore."" "Well, I'm noreally in it for the money and friends." "I'm a healer." "So why does my Mom go on dates?" "Well, because sometimes grown-ups like to go out with people their own age." "You're her age." "Why don't you date her?" "Well, most people like to date outside their immediate family." "And it's a law." "A good law." "What do you do on a date?" "Well, you, uh, talk." "And you laugh." "Sometimes you... wrestle." "Oh." "What's intercourse?" "Something to do with golf." "You should ask your mom." "Does Mom golf?" "She's been known to hit the links." "Did you get through to Christine?" "No." "She must've turned off her cell." "Thanks." "So what do you think?" "Do you think she's right?" "Do we have a weird dynamic?" "No." "I mean, sure, we're closer than most divorced people, but I think that's healthy." "I guess." "But I don't want our old relationship to get in the way of our new ones." "I don't either." "Maybe we need some boundaries." "Yeah." "Like, I guess I shouldt call you every night before I go to bed, huh?" "Maybe I shouldn't just drop by unannounced." "And, of course, no running over each other's dates with a car." "Seems a little extreme, but okay." "And we won't call each other every time there's something gross on TV." "Well, I mean, what if it's something that concerns Ritchie?" "We have to talk then." "Right." "Of course." "We'll talk then." "But only then." "Yeah, I think that can work." "And you should probably stop thinking of me when you're having sex with Burton." "Richard, I didn't even think of you when I was having sex with you." "I don't want to play with you anymore." "God, this is big, you know?" "Things are going to change a lot with us." "I know." "But it's got to be done." "There are other people now." "Yeah." "And by the way, I think it did bother me seeing you with someone else tonight, but it doesn't mean I'm not happy for you." "Oh, thank you." "And, about you and New Christine..." "Thank you for being happy for me." "Transcript:" "Raceman" " Synchro:" "Amariss"