"I got it, it's amazing, and it is right here in my pants." "Okay, Lauren, if I show you this, do you promise not to tell Val?" "Absolutely." "You meet me in the back." "Oh, it's just a ring." "Wait!" "Wait!" "Let me see it!" "Let me see it!" "Hey, how is that for Val's birthday present?" "Oh, my God, it's gorgeous." "It's so much prettier than any of her other wedding rings." "Hi, Val!" " Hey!" " Oh, happy birthday!" "Um, okay, honey." "I know you said that I shouldn't ask you about our dinner tonight, but just so I know what " "Okay." "Look, I'm sorry." "I'm not telling you anything." "Okay, but I just need to know what to wear, okay?" "So should it be something dressy, or does the restaurant have a playground?" "Oh, ho." "Thank you, baby." "I got to go to work." "You're welcome." "Wait, wait, wait, wait!" "That's it?" "I sew a button on for you, and that's all I get?" "Make out with me, damn it." "Rick!" "Stop it!" "My God, you are so naughty and terrible and disgusting." "Noon?" "Okay, I'll meet you there." "Hey, Val, honey?" "Pretty, pretty, birthday girl?" "Yeah?" "Can I have the afternoon off?" "Oh, for what?" "Personal time, you know, I'd rather not discuss." "What are you talking about?" "We tell each other everything." "You're the one who taught me that." "You know, you're the one who said, "You can't keep things in." "It backs you up."" "Okay." "Well, um..." "It's about Rick." "It's all right." "We can talk about Rick." "You two obviously have something special." "Now he's separated, I'm not gonna stand in your way." "And, you know, this is how okay I am with it -- why don't, next week," "You and Rick and Vic and I all go out for dinner." "Oh." "Okay." "Well, we'd have to do it at 4:00 and in a different state." "Why?" "Okay." "Um, Val, do you remember that horrible, horrible fight we had, where you told me Rick was never gonna leave his wife for me?" "Yeah, I know." "I'm so sorry about that." "I was wrong." "Yeah, not so much." "What?" "You weren't so much "wrong."" "What are you talking about?" "Rick wrote you that note that said he left his wife." "Yeah." "Funny story." "Um, it turns out he didn't write the note." "Somebody else did." "Who?" "Lauren." "Who?" "Holly." "Who?" "Me!" "Okay?" "!" "Me!" "I wrote the note!" "You what?" "Come on, come on, come on!" "What?" "There's gonna be a chick fight." "Sweet!" "Love you." "Bye!" "W-why would you write the note?" "Because you really hurt my feelings, okay?" "And I wanted to show you how wrong you were." "Okay, I don't understand." "I wrote the note!" "Rick didn't write the note?" "Okay, how many times do I have to say it?" "Rick did not leave his wife." "I wrote the note saying that he did." "You wrote the note?" "Are you a blockhead?" "!" "I wrote the note!" "Rick didn't leave his wife, and I am seeing him later." "You're what?" "!" "I'm seeing him later!" "Do you think it's your hearing, maybe?" "!" "You're gonna keep seeing him, even though he's married?" "!" "Oh, my God!" "Yes!" "And, please, don't try to tell me that it's wrong, because I already know that it is." "But it is too late, okay?" "I am in love with him!" "Yeah?" "Well, you've got to get out of love with him, woman!" "No, I cannot, okay?" "I have never felt this way about anybody." "Oh, my God, you lied." "Well, when you're seeing someone that you're not suppos " "To me!" "H-how could you fake that note?" "What kind of sick, twisted, manipulative mind would come up with something like that?" "!" "Do you know what happened because of that note, Lauren?" "I came to find you, and then Vic ended up in the hospital." "And now Vic is on crutches because of you." "Because of you!" "Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" "Uh-oh!" "Methinks me went too far!" "What?" "!" "Yeah, with this story." "You know, I was just trying to throw you off 'cause of your surprise party tonight." "What?" "Yes!" "Okay, I made all this up to throw you off." "I don't need the afternoon off to have sex with Rick." "I need it to buy balloons!" "So you're not seeing Rick?" "No, ho ho!" "You didn't write the note?" "Oh, what am I, sick?" "Oh, thank God!" "Oh!" "Huh!" "I thought my friend was a horrible, horrible person." "No, my only crime is that I'm such a good actress." "Yes, and I hope you are, too." "Because now that I've blown it, you're gonna have to act surprised." "Yes, 'cause I'm having a surprise party." "Yes!" "Oh, my God, I had no idea." "Yes." "Okay, now that's the face that you will use tonight." "So can I have my personal time?" "Balloons, streamers?" "Yeah." "Go, go!" "Okay." "Just remember..." "Okay." "There is no surprise party." "That liar is totally going to be with Rick!" "Okay, Lauren is a genius." "Did you see that?" "She turns this around and pulls a surprise party out of her ass." "If only she'd pull some morals out of her ass." "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "There she is!" "There she is." "Okay, we have to get a surprise party together by tonight." "Yes, yes." "Here's some money." "God, I just love you." "Tina, shut up." "We are not helping her." "I am telling Val." "No!" "No, no!" "Wait!" "Do you think I really want to be seeing a married man?" "No." "Then stop it." "Then help me, okay?" "If we throw this party for Val, then I won't be able to see Rick tonight, which is perfect, because he's going out of town tomorrow for a month." "A month, Holly." "That gives me all that time to get over him." "Unless you want to disappoint your sister on her birthday." "She did raise you." "Okay." "Fine!" "I will help you with the surprise party if you promise not to see Rick tonight." "Okay." "Yes." "I promise." "Now you guys go get a piñata." "I'll get some booze and some deli platters, and I'll meet you here later, okay?" "Hmm, would you believe I've got my deli on speed dial?" "Hey, Rick?" "I'm on my way." "So, Gary, what are you doing tonight?" "I thought I'd watch the game." "Right." "Did you get into the Pinot Grigio?" "You're not giving it up." "I love it." "Hey, man, I thought you said" "Holly already sewed that on for you." "Aw, she did, but she's in such a hurry to make out all the time, her workmanship suffers." "Well, look, with all due respect, bro," "I think that suit is getting a little tired." "Maybe you should kick it in." "You know how expensive suits are?" "I'm lucky I was an abnormally big kid in high school." "Dude, if you need some clothes, man, my boy, Dante, he owns his own high-end clothing line downtown." "I'm sure he'll hook you up." "He's always looking to get his stuff out there." "Well, does his stuff cost more than...free?" "Dude, don't worry about it." "I set him up last week with two young-and-tenders." "Man, he owes me." "Let's just say that." "Thanks, bro." "Hey, dude, I have a question." "Mm-hmm?" "What are "young antennas"?" "No, "young-and-ten-ders." Young-and-tenders." "What the hell is a "young antenna"?" "Why would I say "young antenna"?" "Crazy white boy." "I don't get it." "Ooh, let's get Val this one." "You know what it looks like?" "It's a rocket ship, you dirty bird." "You know what has been bugging me?" "Lauren asked Val for the afternoon off, right?" "But that was before she came up with the surprise birthday party idea." "So I ask you, Tina, what did she need the afternoon off for?" "Do you think?" "That's exactly what I think!" "Lauren's the dirty bird!" "Lauren?" "Yeah?" " Are you with Rick?" " Yeah." "Oh, God." "Did you two..." "No." "Good, then don't!" "Yeah." "Don't worry." "Oh, God!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, God!" "All right, where is he?" "He's gone." "Lauren, I know he's here." "No, he's not here." "Okay, then, where is he?" "In the hospital." "What?" "Why is he in the hospital?" "I gave him a heart attack!" "Wait." "What?" "He's dead?" "No." "No, he's gonna be fine." "It's just -- he came over, then we started to " "Lauren, you promised me you weren't gonna see him." "No." "I promised you I wasn't going to see him tonight." "And is it tonight?" "No, it's today." "Brava!" "Oh, my God, you guys, it was so scary!" "One minute, he was just looking at me, and the next minute, his eyes..." "Oh, Lauren." "Sweetie, calm down." "It's gonna be okay." "Okay." "No, what are you doing?" " Calling Val." " No, no Val!" "I have to call Val." "I mean, this is big, and I'm only 19." "Hello?" "Holly?" "Okay, slow down, honey." "Ooh, Lauren's?" "Why ever would I come over to Lauren's?" "A heart attack?" "Oh, dear, that sounds so serious." "Okay, I will come right over and console Lauren." "I'm on my way." "You got to get up pretty early in the morning to fool ol' Val." "Okay." "A sonic plaque remover and a white jean jacket?" "Guys, I'm gonna cry." "Yeah, that'll work." "Oh, my gosh, you guys, I had no idea!" "Oh, Val, thank God you're here." "Where's all the food a-and the booze and the party people popping out?" "Val, I know that you think that this is a surprise party, but it's really not." "Rick had a heart attack." "Okay, I get it." "I come here, and then you guys take me to the real place where all the guests are." "What, are you taking me to the "hospital"?" "Wah, wah, wah!" "Okay, I'll get a cab." "No, Val." "Rick was really here, and he really had a heart attack." "But you're kidding, right?" "No." "Listen, I called the hospital." "Rick is gonna be fine." "But I'm not so sure about..." "that one." "Wait a minute." "This morning you told me that there was a surprise party and that you weren't seeing Rick." "Both untrue." "She's seeing Rick, and he's still married, and she wrote the note." "Yeah." "See, when you got all mad at her, she panicked and made up the surprise party -- an evil genius." "So it's not just Rick who is a liar and a cheat." "Oh, please, don't." "Okay, can't you understand the horrible guilt that I have been living with?" "And now I've got guilt about sending Rick to the hospital with a heart attack." "I could have killed him!" "You know what?" "I have put up with a lot of crap in our relationship, but this is the lowest thing you have ever done." "I never want to see you or speak to you again." "Nobody's gonna yell "surprise," Val." "Then goodbye." "Yo, Vince!" "Come on, bro!" "Come on out." "I want to see the new threads." "Hey, did Dante come through for you big-time or what?" "Yeah, yeah, man!" "Look at you, rocking the sophisticated urban wear." "Yeah, I'm just not sure that " "You're not sure because you're not wearing the chapeau." "Bam!" "That's what I'm talking about, man." "Now you're styling." "Look, Gary." "Uh, listen, I cannot thank you enough." "Hey, anything for you, bro." "You're the best, and I mean that." "What, is it the color?" "Because we can always exchange it for the burnt sienna." "Um, no." "No, the color's nice." "It's just that, you know," "I..." "I work with people who have...eyes." "What, a-are you saying you don't like Dante's suit?" "I mean, I know " " I know that's not what you're saying." "Well..." "Yeah, that's kind of what I'm saying." "It's, uh, it's just not my style." "By "your style," do you mean "no style"?" "Aw, come on, dude." "You can't get upset because I hate the suit." "Oh, ho, ho!" "Oh!" "So now you hate it?" "I see." "I see." "Oh, you hate my choice of suit." "You hate my style, my taste?" "!" "You know what?" "Your hair is so..." ""Footloose"!" "You did not just drag Kevin Bacon into this!" "Yes, I did, buddy, and the gloves are coming off, my friend!" "Oh, so is this ugly-ass suit!" "Well, you may want to reconsider, being that it matches your ugly ass!" "Okay." "And then she chokes and dies." "Mmm." "Okay." "Stupid Lauren." "Stupid Rick!" "Stupid Rick's aorta!" "Surprise!" "Oh..." "yeah." "Whatever." "Yeah." "Sure." "Why not?" "You are never gonna guess what Lauren did." " She " " Worse!" "She wrote the note that said Rick left his wife." "Yeah!" "She started having an affair with him and landed him in the hospital with a heart attack." "Uh, well..." "Um, is Rick okay?" "Mmm, he's fine." "But she is dead to me." "Val, you have to come talk to Lauren." "Hmm, let me think about it -- no." "Val, I know that you have every reason in the world to be angry with her." "But she really needs you." "She is in a bad way." "No, Holly." "I am done, okay?" "I have put up with her." "I have taken her late-night calls." "I held her hand." "I have no more energy for this." "But she's in pain." "Mmm!" "So am I. I'm on empty." "Yeah, I never want to see that girl again." "That's too bad." " Is she still mad?" " No." "Get out of here!" "Oh, I meant "yes."" "Let's give them some space." "Okay, Val, I don't know why I do such horrible things, like lie to my best friend and give married men heart attacks." "You know, maybe it's 'cause I don't know." "Maybe I'm just still that fat little girl." "Don't pull the "fat card."" "This has nothing to do with you being a fat kid." "Okay, Val, I know that it is hard for you to understand why I do such sick and twisted things, and it's because you don't have to." "You're all strong and confident and perfect." "Did you ever know that you're my hero?" "You're everything " "Stop it, Lauren." "No, I can't." "And I'm not gonna till you tell me you love me again!" "Lauren." "Oh, of course, you can't!" "How could you?" "!" "I'm a terrible person!" "Okay, you go now." "Lauren, do you really understand what you did?" "I mean, 'cause you keep making jokes about it." "No, I'm only making jokes to cover up the in." "I believed you." "I trusted you." "How am I ever gonna " "No, please, okay?" "I just -- I couldn't give it up." "Rick made me feel beautiful and charming and funny." "He made me feel the way" "I bet Vic makes you feel every day." "That is so sad." "I know!" "You are beautiful and charming and funny." "And?" "Thin." "Val, I swear, I am never going to lie to you again." "Was that a lie?" "Val, no one knows me like you do!" "I can't believe Gary blew a fuse." "I told him a thousand times," ""You cannot run the cappuccino maker and the X-Box at the same time."" "Gary?" " Surprise!" " Surprise!" " Surprise!" " Surprise!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh!" "I had no idea!" "And I mean it!" "I'm serious." "I had no idea." "This is my real surprise face." "Oh, my God, you really were surprised." "Oh, it's a good thing you have a strong heart, unlike you-know-who." "You should totally give her the ring now!" "No, no." "There's too many people." "I want to give it to her when we're alone." "I want it to be perfect." "What's more perfect than in front of the people she loves... and Tina?" " Come on." " Really?" "Yes!" "Do it now!" "Okay." "Uh, honey?" "Honey?" "Sit down." "I have a little something to give you." " Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" " ...he had teeth like a lion " "Vic has something he wants to give Val, so shut your mouth!" "Go ahead, Vic." "Um, okay." "As you all know, when Val and I got married, it was a little spur-of-the-moment." "And, um, well, since then, it's always seemed like our relationship has been missing something." "Uh, honey, I've been waiting for the perfect moment to do this all day, but the truth is, any moment with you is perfect." " Aw!" " Aw!" " Aw!" " Aw!" "So, Val, I want to ask you in front of all the people that you love... and Tina." "Val, will you already be married to me?" "It's beautiful." "Just like you." " Aw!" " Aw!" " Aw!" " Aw!" " Yes." " Yes?" "I will already be married to you." "Pretty moving stuff." "Yeah." "Makes you think." " I'm sorry." " I'm sorry." "Tina, hug me!" "I'm not really a huggy person." "You've hugged me before." "Now it feels forced." "Just hug me!" "Come here, you!"