"♪ Thank you for being a friend" "♪ Traveled down the road and back again" "♪ Your heart is true" "♪ You're a pal and a confidante" "♪ And if you threw a party" "♪ Invited everyone you knew" "♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me" "♪ And the card attached would say" "♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪" "(♪ guitar strumming)" "(high voice) ♪ Puff the magic dragon" "♪ Lived by the sea" "♪ And frolicked in the autumn mist" "♪ In a land called Honah Lee" "♪ Puff the..." "Thank you!" "That was..." "very odd." "If I increase my steroids by 100 milligrams," "I can sing just like Barbara Mandrell." "Would that get me on the show?" "No." "But if you're ever in prison, I bet it'd get you everyone's dessert." "Oh, this is terrible." "The Ladies Auxiliary puts me in charge of the variety show, and we can't come up with one decent act." "It's too bad we're not back in St. Olaf." "Why?" "They have a lot of talent back in St. Olaf?" "No." "It's lunchtime there." "I could really go for a smoked kipper hero." "All right, who's auditioning next?" "I'm next." "Ma!" "What the hell are you doing here?" "I gnawed through my leather restraints and outran the new guard dog." "I'm here for the audition." "Forget it." "You force your way into the show every year, and every year, it's a total disaster." "You can't sing, you can't dance, you can't tell jokes." "I'm sorry, you can't be in the show." ""You can't be in the show." "You can't be in the show."" "Who are ya" " Ricky Ricardo?" "For your information, I'm not here to audition." "Why are you here?" "I realized I had no talent, so I decided to become an agent." "Why Ryan O'Neal hasn't come to the same conclusion, I'll never understand." "Anyway, I'm proud to announce" "I'm the exclusive worldwide representative of the Donatello Triplets!" "Hit it, my magnificent little songbirds." "♪ I don't wanna take it anymore" "♪ I'll just stay here locked behind the door" "♪ Just no time to stop and get away" "♪ 'Cause I work so hard to make it every day" "♪ Ooh-ooh" "♪ Ooh-ooh" "♪ And it's hard to say" "♪ Just how some things never change" "♪ And it's hard to find" "♪ Any strength to draw the line" "♪ Oh, I'm just burning, doing the neutron dance" "What do you think?" "They're adorable!" "Love 'em!" "They're perfect for the show." "Take five." "Go wait in the van." "It's not professional to have them here while I'm negotiating." "Negotiating?" "Sophia, this show is for charity." "The word "charity" is not in a good agent's vocabulary." "Ma, thank you very much for your time, but there are plenty of other talented people here willing to do the show for free." "Who's next?" "The Sklarkievich Brothers." "(Slavic accent) Hello." "I am Misha Sklarkievich." "My brother Andrzej is still in Poland." "Why don't you show us what you can do?" "Is better with my brother." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Is better with my brother." "If you change your minds, you know where to find me." "Dorothy, I have terrible news." "We don't have an MC for the talent show." "Kent Ferguson, the KTMB weatherman, has just dropped out." "You have to be kidding." "What happened?" "He's filling in for Willard Scott on the Today show." "It seems Willard ate some bad scallops on the air that he got through the mail." "He wandered over to the critics' corner and lost his cookies on Gene Shalit." "Gene thought it was because Willard disagreed with his review of The Accidental Tourist." "Willard apologized and left the studio." "Officially, they're saying he's "on assignment."" "Well, at least some good came of it." "It's about time someone threw up on Gene Shalit." "Oh, volunteering to organize this variety show is the worst idea we have ever had." "We've hardly sold any tickets, we can't find an MC and every act that we have auditioned is awful." "Dorothy, I've got some good news." "I've had a change of heart." "I'll let the triplets be in your show for free." "Why, Sophia, that's w..." "You don't know how much good this does us." "Wait just a minute." "What's the catch?" "That is so typical of you." "Why do you automatically assume because I'm trying to do something nice there's a catch?" "So there isn't a catch." "I didn't say that." "It just ticks me off that you automatically assume there's one." "Ma, what is it you want?" "For the moment, only for you to feast your eyes on... the Great Alfonso!" "The Great Alfonso!" "Seymour." "Hello, I'm the Great..." "I'm the Great..." "Alfonso." "What?" "Pull the damn rabbit out of your hat!" "Oh, right." "Right." "Abracadabra, hocus-picus..." "Pocus." "My God, where's the damn rabbit?" "I left it in the other hat." "Sophia, he's terrible." "No, he's not." "He's terrific." "Oh, you mean the act?" "We'll work on that." "So that's it." "You're willing to give us the Donatello Triplets if we put your new boyfriend in the show." "That's blackmail." "That's show business." "Hi, girls." "How's everything going?" "Awful." "Kent Ferguson canceled." "We don't have an MC for the talent show." "We don't even have any talent for the talent show." "The whole thing's gonna be a disaster." "I'll be the laughingstock of the Ladies Auxiliary." "Oh, honey..." "Would it help if I got Bob Hope to be our MC?" "How are you going to get Bob Hope?" "Easy." "He's my father." "Rose, have you been forgetting to wash the fruit before you eat it?" "I'm serious." "Bob Hope is my father." "Well, sort of." "I mean, he could be, maybe." "Rose, what the hell are you talking about?" "There's something I've never told you girls." "I spent the first eight years of my life at the St. Olaf orphanage." "Gunther and Alma Nylund are my adoptive parents." "How come you never told us about this before?" "I loved my parents so much, I really never think about it." "But I sure did before I became their daughter." "When I was at the orphanage, I used to daydream all the time that my real parents would knock on the door and take me away." "So, like most of the kids there," "I started fantasizing about who they might be." "I had a particularly clear picture in my head of my father." "Anyway, one day, they took us all to the movies, and when Bob Hope came on the screen," "I stood up and yelled, "My God, that's my father!" "That's him!"" "Rose, honey, you..." "don't still actually believe that?" "Believing that got me through some very rough times, Blanche." "I mean, whenever I had a problem I couldn't solve," "I'd just write Bob Hope a letter or go to one of his movies, and suddenly I was able to work it all out." "All my life, I always felt he was there if I needed him." "That's why I know he won't let me down now." "I don't know whether to cry or commit you." "You just leave it to me." "I know in my heart he'll be here." "Rose, just so I get this straight, you never actually met Bob Hope?" "No." "But I'm sure looking forward to it." "(sobbing)" "And now I'd like to thank all those bake-sale participants who raised money for the religious cult deprogramming center." "I'm happy to report that Doris Levy's son Marshall is now back in law school." "Now it's time for an update on our biggest and most important charity fund-raiser of the year - the annual hospital variety show benefit." "I'd like to call on our chairman Dorothy Zbornak for an update." "Dorothy?" "Well, I'm..." "(clears throat)" "I'm very happy to report that, uh, this year's variety show is really coming along." "The first thing I'd like to discuss " "Yes, Frieda?" "I heard that ticket sales are not going very well," "I heard you have not been able to find any good talent and I heard that Kent Ferguson has canceled and we don't have an MC for the show." "I heard you've been sleeping with the Japanese guy who blows the leaves out of your driveway!" "It so happens Dorothy is doing a terrific job." "Matter of fact, she's in the middle of negotiations with some very big-name celebrities to be our MC." "Like who?" "Well, like..." "Great news!" "We've got Bob Hope for our MC!" "Nice work, Dorothy." "Meeting adjourned." "(Blanche) Goodbye, ladies." "(Dorothy) See you soon." "Take care." "Bye-bye." "Rose, how did you get Bob Hope?" "Well, I called his office." "I have to talk to you." "Not now, Ma." "What did he say?" "I didn't talk directly to Bob Hope." "Alfonso has a new trick." "Give him your keys." "Who did you talk to, his agent?" "No." "This is one of those mental tricks you're gonna love." "Who did you talk to?" "A very nice receptionist at NBC." "I am focusing all me powers on this metal object." "That's idiotic!" "No, be patient." "It's a very good trick." "You're basing this whole thing on a conversation you had with a telephone operator at NBC?" "We're going to have to go and tell everyone it was all a big mistake." "Voilà!" "Oh, will you..." "I thought you'd be..." "Just go." "Go." "All my keys are bent." "Don't just stand there." "Applaud the man." "How'd it go, Dorothy?" "Awful." "When I told everyone at the club that Bob Hope wasn't going to be in the show, they actually booed me." "Ohh." "I've never been so humiliated in my entire life." "Aw, come on." "You've been humiliated plenty." "Remember when you tried out for cheerleading in high school?" "Ma, why do you constantly look for ways to amuse yourself at my expense?" "Because we don't have cable, and I can't crochet." "This is who I am, Dorothy." "Learn to live with it or medicate me." "I still can't believe that Rose caused all this trouble." "Unbelievable." "This whole fantasy about Bob Hope is sick." "Sick." "If she's gonna have fantasies, they ought to be the normal, healthy kind - like sweaty Argentinean cowboys whipping things while they ride naked on the back of Brahma bulls." "I have to remember to stop using your towels." "This Rose/Bob Hope thing reminds me of a similar situation back in my village." "Florence Pontevecchio used to fantasize that Alberto Bolognese was her brother." "Who was Alberto Bolognese?" "He was the boot maker in the village." "What's so special about that?" "Did I say it was special?" "I said it was similar." "I'm having a cup of tea, talking." "The two of you have a look on your face like you paid for Phantom of the Opera tickets." "Excuse me for not being Somerset Maugham." "Better I should say nothing from now on and sit here like a pincushion!" "Hi, girls." "Did Bob Hope call?" "Rose, will you stop being an idiot?" "Bob Hope is not gonna call, and he is not gonna MC our show." "Why, what do you mean?" "I said he'd be here, and he will." "Rose, Rose, this is not Miracle on 34th Street." "You are a grown woman holding on to childhood fantasies." "Bob Hope is not your father." "He has no idea who you are, and he's not about to come anywhere near this place." "That's not true." "He's here in Miami." "It's right in today's paper." "She's right - he is in a golf tournament here." "Apology accepted." "Rose, what the hell are you talking about?" "That doesn't mean he's gonna be in our show." "Don't you see, Dorothy?" "He's here in Miami because he knows I need him." "This is all working out." "I can feel it." "Dorothy, I think I might have a way to get Mr. Hope to be in our show after all." "Why don't we go to the golf tournament, find Mr. Hope and explain our situation?" "He's always doing charity events." "I guess it's worth a shot." "Yeah." "You don't have to go through all that trouble." "He'll be at the show." "What you need is faith." "And what you need is a psychiatrist who enjoys a challenge." "Excuse me, you guys got any extra shaving cream?" "Sure." "Oh, this is so weird." "I've never been in a men's locker room before." "Neither have I. I really like the new carpet they..." "Me neither." "This is ridiculous." "This is never gonna work." "Listen, the caddy said Mr. Hope just finished his round of golf." "He's gotta be in here somewhere." "What if he is?" "He's not about to do a favor for three people who look like Sam Snead with a hormone problem." "Look, you two stay here." "I'm gonna check out the rest of the locker room." "I'll start with the Jacuzzi." "You don't know where the Jacuzzi is." "Yeah, it's just down the hall, second door..." "I'll ask somebody." "This has been a nightmare." "Oh, don't worry, Dorothy." "It's all gonna work out." "Because Bob Hope..." "Bob Hope won't let us down." "Right." "Rose, Rose, I have known you for over five years." "In that time, I have heard the most bizarre stories" "I have ever heard in my entire life." "There was Clovis the two-headed mule who skied backwards on buttermilk." "It was cottage cheese." "The point is, Rose, this Bob Hope story is odd, even for you." "Bob Hope's gone." "We just missed him." "Oh, what?" "I saw him getting into a limousine and driving away." "They said he's going to the airport." "That can't be." "The show is tomorrow tonight." "He wouldn't leave before that." "He knows I'm depending on him." "There must be some other explanation." "Maybe..." "Maybe I'm just a foolish old woman who's lived a silly fantasy her whole life." "Oh..." "Honey." "Now... now, honey." "Oh, honey." "All right, that's it." "We gotta get that antique dealer off the membership committee." "♪ And what he knows you ain't got time to learn" "♪ These boots are made for walkin'" "♪ And that's just what they'll do" "♪ One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you ♪" "(applause)" "The Donatello Triplets, ladies and gentlemen." "I'll bet those boots have more miles on them than " "Uh..." ""..." "Joan Collins' waterbed."" "(muted laughter)" "Her waterbed." "And now I have a real treat for you - straight from Poland, the Sklarkievich Brothers!" "(applause)" "Where's your brother?" "Oh, do the best you can." "Hey!" "Hey!" "So?" "Do we go on next?" "Ma, I can't let him." "Hey, I let you have the Donatello Triplets." "A deal is a deal." "Sophia, Alfonso will only embarrass himself." "Please." "If he was worried about being embarrassed, he wouldn't walk around with that much hair in his ears." "Besides, he called his old vaudeville partner, and they've perfected one of their old tricks." "(thud/booing)" "I know, I know." "It's better with your brother." "Well, it can't get any worse." "Alfonso, you're on." "Well, it looks like I'm in the show after all." "Girls, something terrible has happened." "Gee, and everything was going so well up until now." "Look at these programs." "Bob Hope's name is still on 'em." "Who's in charge of the programs?" "I forgot." "I guess I figured he was gonna come." "We have to make an announcement and refund everybody's money." "And I guess now is as good a time as any." "Well, this is all my fault." "Let me do it." "Oh..." "And now my beautiful assistant will step into the magic box." "Alfonso, I need to make an announcement." "Yes, well, take your time." "I forgot the magic words." "Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Rose Nylund, and I'm responsible for what's happened here tonight." "Uh..." "Because of a silly childish dream," "I let you all down." "I had this crazy idea that I had a special connection to a very special person, and that's why on all your programs it says that the guest celebrity for tonight's show is..." "Presto!" "Bob Hope!" "(cheering and applause)" "Hey, I know this show is for charity, but that's the smallest dressing room I've ever had in my life." "Oh, my God, you're really Mr. Bob Hope." "Being this close to you is the biggest thrill of my life." "If you were any closer, there wouldn't be room for my car keys." "Mr. Hope, could we impose upon you to entertain for a few minutes?" "Will I entertain?" "I didn't put this makeup on to go bowling." "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bob Hope!" "(cheers and applause) Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Did you hear..." "Did you hear that Ronald Reagan has just moved back to Hollywood?" "Just what Hollywood needs - another unemployed actor." "(laughter)" "Do you know Reagan left office with the highest popularity rating since FDR." "He was more popular than Tammy Bakker at a Maybelline convention." "(laughter)" "I can't believe it." "How on earth did he get here?" "You know how Alfonso kept talking about his old vaudeville partner?" "It turns out it was Bob Hope." "Isn't that a kick?" "Since Ron and Nancy moved back to California, we've had earthquakes almost every day." "Do you think God could be a Democrat?" "(laughter and applause)" "But earthquakes don't bother the president." "If Sam Donaldson couldn't shake him up, nothin' will." "(laughter)" "Oh, Rose, I think we owe you an apology, honey." "You were right after all." "You don't owe me any apology." "This was a lucky coincidence." "I'm just glad it all worked out." "Boy, but I have learned one lesson - no more silly daydreams for me." "Now, Nancy Reagan has mixed feelings about moving back to California." "She's afraid her husband might not have as much free time to spend with her anymore." "(laughter)" "Thanks, Dad." "(applause)"