"( metallic clank )" "( door buzzes )" "Is that all of them?" "Yes, sir, Spinoza and Dr. Ratton will be right in." "Splendid." "Thank you for showing them in." "Heh, well, you have to compliment them every once in a while, otherwise they get mad and ask for more money." "( door buzzes )" "Gentlemen, Dr. Ratton and I have asked you here for a very vital reason." "The only organization that stands in the way of our total world domination is CONTROL." "They have one thing that gives them an edge." "Do any of you know what it is?" "Maxwell Smart, Secret Agent 86." "( all laughing )" "No, gentlemen." "The one thing that gives CONTROL the upper hand is Hymie, their robot." "We have tried in every conceivable way to get Hymie away from them, but we have failed." "Our only other alternative was to destroy him." "But we have not had the means..." " until now." " ( metallic clank )" "You look very familiar." "Have we met before?" "That's possible, but I usually wear glasses." "There." "Does that help?" "No no." "But don't worry, it'll come back to me." "Dr. Ratton created Hymie, so it seemed only fitting that he should create the means to destroy Hymie." "There he is, gentlemen, the world's most powerful and vicious robot-- Groppo." "Dr. Ratton, the control unit, please." "He has been constructed to seek out and destroy Hymie." "And now, with your permission-- a small demonstration of Groppo's strength." " ( unit clicks ) - ( servos whir )" "Now if two of you gentlemen will pick up that steel bar and hold it in front of Groppo, please." "Groppo, what would you do if this steel bar was Hymie, the CONTROL robot?" "Just a sample of what Groppo can do." "Now I am sure you all have questions and perhaps suggestions." "That is why you were invited." "I want you to put Groppo through his paces, test him in any way you like." "You first." "I don't think that's wise." "Don't be ridiculous." "Why do you think I sent for these four men?" " How many?" " Four." "These three and those two." " Smart." "Maxwell Smart" " Shh." " Agent 86!" " Shh." "Thanks a lot, blabbermouth." "Now everyone in the room knows." "A bad mistake, 86-- and your last." "I don't think so." "Stay right where you are." "I'll take that." "Dr. Ratton, over there." "Groppo, open that door." "Now destroy the building." " No, Groppo!" " Stop!" "No!" "Live it up, kid." " ( crashing, smashing )" " Groppo!" "( theme music playing )" "I'm glad the Chief assigned me to this case, 86." "Between us, I'm sure we can stop this Groppo." "Groppo is a nice name." "I'm looking forward to meeting him." "Hymie, Groppo doesn't want to make friends with you." "He wants to destroy you." "He hates you." "People hate." "Robots love." "Hymie, you're in danger, real danger." "Oh, Hymie's pretty powerful." "I'm sure he can take care of himself." "42, you don't seem to understand." "Next to Groppo, Hymie is a Tinkertoy." "Why just look at him." "He's old, used up," " worn out, and he squeaks." " ( squeaks )" "No offense, Hymie." "I always thought you liked me, Max." "But I do like you, Hymie." "You're my best friend." "I'm crazy about you." "I want everything in the world that's good for you." "But I wouldn't consider myself a true friend unless I pointed out your faults as well as the good things." "You understand?" "( kiss )" "Hymie, men don't kiss each other." "In other words, you don't think Hymie has a chance against Groppo." "42, Groppo has all the latest innovations." "I hate to say it, but Hymie is depreciated." "But Hymie's unique." "According to the latest CONTROL Blue Book, we could trade Hymie even for a 1956 Edsel." "No offense again, Hymie, but you understand." "I told you, men don't kiss each other." "A simple nod will be enough." "( metal grinds )" "Well, 86, what do you think we ought to do?" "Well, the first thing we have to do is give Hymie a complete overhaul." "We have to make him better, stronger, faster and smarter than Groppo." "I'll get Dr. Harris on the phone and tell him to get to work on it right away." "Hymie, you'd better hop down to the lab." "( squeaks )" "Hymie!" "You can walk if you want to." "We're going to start by installing the super-strength extensor and flexor springs in the lower legs and work up from there." " Max." " What is it, Hymie?" " Hold my hand." " Of course." "Oh, sorry about that, Hymie." "Now you just relax." "You're not going to feel a thing." "They gave you a shot in your gearbox to numb it." "I know." "Now just lie there and think pleasant thoughts." "All right." "It will be nice to have Groppo as my very own friend." "I thought I was your friend." "You are, but it's not the same." " Why?" " Because," " well, I'm different." " Don't be silly, Hymie, just because you're a robot" "Yes." "People point at me, stare at me." "Sometimes they won't wait on me in stores." "I get lonely." "And even you" "Me?" "What did I do?" "Why don't you ever invite me to your club?" "I'll tell you why: because they don't allow my kind there, that's why." "Hymie, that's ridiculous." "Why, I just never invited you to my club because, well-- well, I just never thought you were programmed for golf." " I could learn." " Oh, yes, well, in that case, we'll go out this weekend." " How about that?" " All right." "You're not going to go anyplace unless you take good care of yourself." " I'm just fine." " You're not fine." "You're sluggish." "You're rundown and out of tune." "You go around all the time half-charged." "If you're not careful, terrible things could happen." "Like what?" "You could end up as a cab in South America." "Excuse me." " Screwdriver." " Screwdriver." " Wrench." " Wrench." " Oil can." " Oil can." "You are certain all the adjustments have been made?" "Positive." "He's been programmed completely pro-KAOS and anti-CONTROL." "He'll also continue to search until he finds Hymie." "How can he find Hymie when we cannot?" "I've homed him in on Hymie's wavelength, and there isn't another one like it." "Nothing can go wrong?" "He will never wear out, he will never run down, and he will obey anyone who holds this unit." "Amazing, Dr. Ratton, amazing." "Just think" "KAOS is the only organization in the world with the ultimate weapon." "And to make sure it stays that way..." "Groppo, destroy Dr. Ratton." "No." "No no, Groppo!" "No, Groppo, no" "Groppo... seek out and destroy Hymie." "Let nothing stand in your way." "( beeping )" "Well, that does it." "Now let's stand him up." "Careful." "Has anybody got a mirror?" "Thank you." "Well, what do you think, Hymie?" "Cute as ever." "Yes, we know you're cute, Hymie." "But you never tell me." "You're cute." "You say it, but you don't really mean it." " I do mean it." " Don't yell." "I'm sorry." "How do you feel?" "I'm all right." "Hymie, test your arms." " How?" " Make a muscle." "Hymie, will you stop that?" "You want to dent your head?" "I'm sorry, Max." "I couldn't control myself." "( sighs ) I was afraid of that." "Try walking around the room once, Hymie." "What in the world is the matter with him?" "His new springs are so powerful, his reflex circuit hasn't adapted yet." "How long will that take?" "It's hard to say." "He'll have to go into training." "Of course, he responds very quickly, so it shouldn't take very long." "I'm sorry, Doctor, but we don't have the time." "As soon as Groppo's remote control is fixed, he'll be coming after Hymie." "I'll have to find a place to hide him." " Wait a minute, I know just the place." " Where?" "A ghost town out on Highway 81." "Max, that's a tourist trap." "Hundreds of people go there every week." "Not that one, Doctor, the one CONTROL built right across the street from it." "CONTROL built a ghost town across the street from a ghost town?" "Yes." "In that way no one would be suspicious in case we needed one of our own." " Oh." " All right, Hymie, we'll go over to my place, pick up a few things, and then we'll be on our way." "Come on." "Okay, Hymie, pick up your suitcase and let's go." "We're late." "I don't know if my shock absorbers can stand this much longer." "Don't worry, Hymie." "I'll teach you how to use those new springs." "( faint beeping )" " What's that?" " I don't know." "Watch out!" "Come on, Hymie, let's go." "( beeping continues )" "All right, Hymie, we're going to start off by taking a few laps around the town." "But I must warn you before we start that I happen to be one of the greatest long-distance runners in the history of the world." "So you're not expected to make a good showing." "Just try to keep up with me." " I'll try, Max." " Okay Hymie, let's go." "On your mark... set" "Not "sit," Hymie-- "set."" "Sorry, Max." "All right, let's go." "On your mark, get set, go." "Come on!" "Come on." "Come on, Hymie, run!" "Let's go, Hymie." "Now you're rolling, Hymie." "Come on, run!" "Come on, Hymie, run!" " Time." " 9:37 exactly." "I know what time it is, Hymie." "Will you stop already?" "What's the matter with you, Hymie?" "You've been moping around all day." " I'm all right." " Sure, you're mechanically perfect." "But there's something wrong up here in the old gearbox." "What is it?" "I'm lonesome." "Lonesome?" "Who are you lonesome for?" "For my friends at the office." " What friends?" " Shirley the intercom," "Sid the coffee machine," "Trudy the noiseless typewriter," " Rex the elevator" " Listen, Hymie," "I'm sure your friends will understand that this is a very important mission." "If you don't snap out of it," "Groppo is going to make scrap iron out of you." "Not if I reason with him." "He's probably just as lonesome as I am." "Hymie, where are you going?" "A while ago I happened upon some buttercups in a nearby field." "I thought I'd pick up a few to brighten up the cabin." "Buttercups?" "Other than this aversion to violence," "Hymie is functioning well?" "Well, as far as I can tell, he's as strong and as fast as Groppo." "I just don't know what to do about his mental attitude." "I do." "What is it, Harris?" "Several of Hymie's emotional elements have cross-fused, causing all evil impulses to be totally rejected." "Hymie is permanently programmed for good and nice." "Well, we can take care of that very easily." "All you have to do is program him to be mean and then change him back again afterwards." "It would be impossible to change him back." "Hymie would be mean the rest of his life." " Well, we can't do that to Hymie." " We have to." "The future of the whole world is at stake." "We've got to convert him first thing in the morning." "If you don't mind, I'd like to be the one to tell him." "Of course, 86." " When?" " Tomorrow, right after breakfast." "It's not the kind of a thing you tell a fellow on an empty crankcase." "( beeping )" "( telephone ringing )" " Hello?" " ( ringing continues )" "Sorry about that, Harris." "Hello." "Oh, hi, 13." "Where?" "So close?" "Okay, we'll keep an eye out for him." "That was Agent 13." "He says that Groppo was spotted out on the highway, headed in this direction." "According to the way he was traveling, he should be here by morning." "You know what that means, Max." "Yes, I know what it means." "We've got to reprogram Hymie." " Right." " You stay here." "I'll go in and prepare him." "Hymie, get up." "I have to talk to you." "Harris, 42, come here." "Listen to this" ""Sorry to leave like this, but I thought about what it would be like to be mean and evil and what it's like to be good and nice." "I've decided nice is nicer." "Love, Hymie."" " He's run out." " Not only that... he burned his control card." "Well, I guess that means we've had it." "No, it does not." "Not yet, we haven't." "Hymie was pushed into this by the forces of greed and evil." "It's up to us to stay here and see that those forces are wiped off the face of the earth forever." "I will fight Groppo." " You can't." " You're right." "How about you, Harris?" "You look in pretty good shape." "42?" "Well, I guess it's me again." "86, you're a brave man." "I know that, 42." "I'm also fearless, cunning, resourceful, and have the biggest mouth in the world." "( rooster crowing )" "Harris, have you got my boots ready yet?" "Here they are, Max." "Your boots are now outfitted with nuclear-powered" ".45 caliber bullets, ready to go." "I haven't had time to test the recoil, so be careful when you fire them." "And these cufflinks are powerful grenades." "It's sunup." "Groppo should be here at any minute." "Yes, and when he gets here, I want you two to get out of sight and keep out of sight." "It's remarkable how you can take time to think of our safety, even when your own life is at stake." "Yes, I know, 42." "Besides," "Groppo might get mad if he thinks we're ganging up on him." "All right, now you all know what to do." "We don't know where Groppo might be hiding, so the minute anybody sees him, just sing out." "Okay, let's go." "( Max yelps )" "I found him." "Okay, Groppo, that's it." "You're under arrest." "Assault with a deadly weapon, operating without a robot's license" "and pushing." "Hold it, 42." "I'll use my cufflink grenades." "( chewing )" "( gulps )" " ( grenade explodes ) - ( belches )" "If there's anything I hate, it's a showoff." "Hold it, Groppo." "Don't come any closer." "These may look like boots, but actually they're deadly weapons." "Give him both barrels, Max." "Got any other ideas, Harris?" " Here, try this." " A slingshot?" "It worked once for David." "I hope Groppo remembers the story." "Forget it." "( beeping )" "Hymie." "Groppo!" "Hi." "The last time we met," "I didn't have a chance to introduce myself." "I'm Hymie." "I've been looking forward to this." "Would you like to sit down and cool your tubes?" "How about a nice glass of kerosene and oil?" "A quick charge?" "Okay, you think of something then." "Perhaps we have some mutual friends" "Ethel the PBX board?" "Frances the coffee machine?" "Bruce the elevator?" "Okay, tough guy, let's see you get out of this one." " Hey!" " ( grunts )" "What do you think you're doing?" "Nice is nice, but enough is enough." "( Groppo tumbling )" "( splashes )" "Well, Hymie, that's it." "That's the end of Groppo." "Max, you saved my life." "Oh, that's all right, Hymie." "What made you change your mind?" "What made you come back?" "I couldn't help myself." "I was sure I could reason with Groppo, make him understand, be his friend." "But when he started to hurt you, the oil rushed to my head." "I'm sorry it had to end this way." "Oh, don't worry about it, Hymie." "Groppo was evil." "One good thing came out of it though, Max." "I know that you're my friend now." "You really care about me." "Well, of course I care about you, Hymie." "You saved my life." "Please, Max." "A simple nod will be enough." "( theme music playing )"