"(Woody) cheersis filmedbefore a livestudioaudience." "Hey, aren't you phil, the tire distributor from rhode island?" "Look, lady, if you've got problems with your wheels, talk to your dealer." "I'm carla." "Remember?" "We went out a couple of times." "It must've been years ago." "I'm sorry." "I don't remember." "Yeah, i guess it's been a while." "You were still pushing whitewalls." "Maybe this'll jog your memory." "Art's hideaway adult motel?" "I'm sorry." "Look, in the tire game, you meet a lot of women." "Yeah, but you can't have forgotten." "Mirror on the ceiling?" "No." "Vibrating bed?" "Latin love basket?" "The trick with the tie?" "That was you?" "Yeah." "Oh, god, that was one steamy night." "Wasn't it, phil?" "Oh, god, i'll say." "Yeah." "Hey, look, um, i got a few hours to kill." "Why don't we hit old art's for a little reunion?" "Hey, what kind of girl do you think i am?" "I am a widow!" "Get outta here, you pig!" "You make me sick!" "¶ Making your way intheworldtoday¶" "¶ takes everything you'vegot¶" "¶ taking a break from all your worries ¶" "¶ sure would help a lot" "¶ wouldn't you like togetaway¶" "¶ sometimes you want to go" "¶ where everybody knowsyourname¶" "¶ and they're always gladyoucame¶" "¶ you wanna be whereyoucan see ¶" "¶ our troubles areallthe same¶" "¶ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ¶" "¶ you wanna go wherepeopleknow¶" "¶ people are all the same" "¶ you wanna go whereeverybody knowsyourname¶" "(rebecca) oh, brother." "I work for the stupidest corporation in america." "You'd have to." "What's the matter, sweetheart?" "All right." "Get this." "One of their restaurants, some hick dive in texas specializing in fillet au armadillo has gone belly-up, so they want to stick us with the one piece of equipment that they couldn't seem to liquidate." "Oh, i hope it's a mesquite grill." "Then i could make a mess of aunt lou's baby back ribs." "It is not a mesquite grill, woody." "It's a mechanical bull." "Well, it's just as well." "Aunt lou's ribs weren't all that good." "Come to think of it, she choked on one of them." "Just her luck it was a week before the heimlich maneuver came out." "Well, i have to say, those mechanical bulls are like the most useless thing ever put in a bar." "Now, now, norm." "Ok." "Present company excepted, ok?" "Thank you, norm." "You know, i don't know." "I think there may be a place for a mechanical bull in our recreational schemata." "It does, after all, provide modern man with a socially acceptable release for sexual tension and frustration." "Riding one of those bulls can do that, frase?" "Oh, hell, no, but if we catch a well-built young woman sometime bouncing around on the back of one, though." "Woo!" "Get along, little doggy." "Hey, sam, which tie do you think i should wear?" "And, before you judge, this one lights up." "You got batteries for that one?" "No." "Oh." "Go with that one, then." "Yeah." "Thanks, man." "You know, i--i can't afford to make a mistake, here." "Kelly's mom just flew in this afternoon, and kelly's bringing her by to meet me." "It's crucial that i make a good impression." "Wait a second, i thought you knew her mom." "No, no." "They're divorced." "In fact, kelly's mom is the only member of her family who i haven't met." "Yeah, god." "She's my last hope." "You're telling me that not one member of that family likes you?" "Well, there's her aunt martha, she likes me." "Oh, there you go." "But she also thinks she's eleanor roosevelt." "But if you get past that, she's pretty nice, what, with all her charity work." "Woody, it doesn't make any difference what kind of tie you wear." "When it comes to mothers, it's what you got underneath that counts." "Oh, well, i'm wearing clean shorts, sam." "Oh, good." "He understands." "Woody, listen to me, listen to me." "The important thing is what kind of person you are, and you are a very nice person." "Moms do not judge how you look." "Oh, here they are now." "(Sam) uh-oh." "That mom looks like she's got taste." "You're on your own, man." "I'll try to stall them." "You do..." "well, never mind." "(Sam) hi, kelly, how are you?" "Nice to see you again." "It's nice to see you, too." "Sam malone, i'd like you to meet my mom." "Oh, and i'd love to meet her sometime myself." "Who's this, your sister?" "Sam, this is my mom." "That was a tired, old line, mr." "Malone." "You're right." "I'm sorry." "No." "It still works." "Well, you know, the classics, timeless." "Hi, kelly." "I'm sorry to keep you waiting." "Nice to meet you." "Yeah, i--i was just having trouble tying this tie." "Is my face getting purple?" "No, woody." "You--you look nice, but are you ok?" "You seem a little uncomfortable." "Well, yeah." "It's the brand-new underwear." "I don't think i got all the stickers off." "Woody, this is my mother mrs." "Gaines." "Mother, this is woody." "Hi." "I'm woody." "Then i must be mrs." "Gaines." "Oh, hi." "I'm woody." "Uh, listen, to tell you the truth, mrs." "Gaines, i was real nervous about meeting you." "Oh!" "Whatever for?" "Well, you know, it's just that the rest of kelly's family hates me." "It's probably because i'm a bartender with no real future." "Just a poor country bumpkin who's dumber than cotton." "Woody, i think you're a very nice young man." "Really?" "Well, then forget all that bad stuff i said." "Now, woody, kelly tells me you're resistant to coming to her sister's wedding this weekend." "Mom, woody's self-conscious." "He always feels that he sticks out like a sore thumb and makes a fool out of himself." "Why is that, woody?" "Well, there has been a precedent set." "Although i think your gazebo would've burned down whether i'd been there or not." "Well, woody, we'd all like you to be there." "In fact, you're invited to the rehearsal dinner, as well." "Saturday night, 7:00, kelly's father's house." "You've met mr." "Gaines, haven't you?" "Met him?" "Heck, i almost broke his big toe." "Woody, you didn't know daddy was standing behind us when you pulled the van out." "Yeah, i did." "I just thought he took a smaller shoe." "Well, we're looking forward to seeing you." "Now come, kelly, dear." "We have to do something about those nut cups, and you know that could take all afternoon." "Mother, i'm still favoring jordan almonds." "Who raised you?" "Oh, i almost forgot." "Sam." "Yeah?" "You're invited to come saturday, too." "After all, you're almost a member of the family." "Mother, sam was the one who introduced woody and me." "Actually, no, i didn't." "You didn't?" "No." "Well, gee, it would be rude to uninvite you now, so i--i guess we're stuck." "Well, we'll see you." "Come on, you cowboys!" "As long as that dumb thing's set up back there anyway, don't you wanna prove how macho you are by climbing aboard?" "Come on, rebecca!" "We do not need a mechanical bull to prove how macho we are." "Ok?" "We are just as much men sitting right here on this bar stool, which, by the way, needs to be repadded." "My tush hurts." "Really." "Face it, rebecca." "This dump is filled with wussy wimps." "You just hold on there right now, carla." "I, for one, have a very good reason for not, uh, riding on that bull." "Right." "He's afraid his keys are gonna fly out of his pocket." "Oh, yeah?" "You--you guys can go ahead and make fun and all, but, uh, you know, you get on that thing, the keys fly out of your pocket, it hits you in the eye, you'll never enjoy a view-master again, i tell you." "Ah, baloney, clavin." "You're just a chicken." "[Clucking] [all clucking]" "all right!" "Keep your corns on." "I'm the only guy in this watering' hole, obviously, who is man enough to take on that mechanical beast." "Normie, watch my keys for me, will ya?" "Safety first." "What are friends for, cliff?" "Well, i just got an idea for a little practical joke on cliffie." "What's that?" "What do you say we move his car." "He'll think it's stolen." "Ok, where do you want to move it to?" "Uh, new hampshire." "Yeah, come on, follow me in your car and drive me home." "Guys, hurry up." "Cliff has strapped himself on the bull." "And it's bucking so hard, he can't get off." "How the hell did that happen?" "[Cliff yelling] come on, norm, you know cliff." "He insisted we start it on the highest level." "Cliff insisted on that?" "[Cliff shouting] well, someone insisted." "Let's not split hairs." "Come on." "¶[Classical music playing] [people chattering]" "oh, woody, can you believe it?" "You know, this is the first time i've seen my parents together since they split up when i was a little girl." "I bet that was real tough on you." "Yeah." "Sometimes i think that's why i'm so cynical." "I like the fact that you're hardboiled." "I think that's what gives us our chemistry." "Thanks, sweetie." "Boy, i tell you, mr." "Gaines." "I sure would like to live in a place like this." "Yes, a home in the suburbs is nice." "No, i mean in this room." "Well, mr." "Malone, you've gotten tiresome." "I'm gonna stand over there now." "Hey, sam, you know, i was looking in the dining room earlier." "And why the heck do they have 2 forks at everybody's place?" "Oh, well, now, woody, that's 'cause, uh, well, if you drop one, you--you got yourself a spare." "Well, that makes sense, but now why is one smaller than the other?" "Well, that's in case you drop that one, too, it won't make as much noise." "Woody, could you come here?" "My cousin patsy wants to say hello." "Do i know her?" "Yeah, you remember." "She was in the gazebo, but she's ok now." "No, i'm telling you, boys, we can't miss." "I got it straight from the c.E.O.'S secretary." "We buy osher electronics a.S.A.P.," "We triple our money by wednesday." "Excuse me, i, uh, couldn't help overhearing you." "Yeah, why is that?" "Well, i was eavesdropping." "Sam malone." "Conrad langston, and these are the boys." "Yeah, how are you?" "So you, uh, you boys are onto a sure thing, huh?" "Well, you know, sam, on wall street there is no 100%." "But, uh, like i always say, if there's no risk, then where's the fun?" "Well, that's funny." "I always say, if there are no women, where's the fun?" "[All chuckling] but then again, we're on your turf here." "So, sam, are you interested in buying in?" "Well, as a matter of fact, conrad, i happen to have about $500 just burning a hole in my checking account here." "Well, sam, you know, the shares are $1,000 each." "Well, i hate to hog a whole share by myself." "Anyone want to go halfsies?" "All right, $1,000 it is." "I'll just have to, uh, tighten my belt a little bit or eat it." "Welcome aboard, sam." "I'll go call this in for you." "Yeah." "Come on, boys." "(Sam) see you later, boys." "The boys." "Ladies and gentlemen, hors d'oeuvres are being served in the salon." "Oh, food on a stick." "Man, i'm starved." "Are you enjoying yourself, woody?" "Oh, yes, ma'am." "You know, you're nice, woody." "You're not the type of boy kelly usually dates." "Of course, you're not as well-bred as they are, but i'm delighted with her choice in you." "Well, imagine how proud i feel." "Although i wonder if perhaps kelly's a little young for you." "Well, yeah, she is a little young, but, luckily, i'm real immature." "Actually, i was thinking that you might have the maturity to appreciate older women, like myself." "No, i don't think of you as old." "Why, thank you." "I just think of you as the woman who gave birth to my girlfriend." "How sweet." "Woody, kelly tells me that you're very concerned whether or not i will like you." "Well, yeah, you are kind of my last hope in the family." "Do you?" "Like me?" "Yes, i do!" "[Exclaiming]" "mrs." "Gaines!" "Jiminy cricket!" "Criminy's sake!" "I don't mean to use foul language, mrs." "Gaines, but, i mean, you've really upset my apple cart." "(Mr. Gaines) photo opportunity." "Before we sit down to eat, what say we get one nice big group shot?" "How are you doing?" "Oh, fine, fine." "Hey, listen, you're probably wondering why i've got lipstick on." "You're probably thinking it's something strange, but it's not what you think." "It's, uh, mrs." "Gaines was just helping me see what i'd look like as a woman." "Ever done any modeling?" "(Mrs. Gaines) woody?" "You stand over here, right in front of me." "All right, everyone." "Straight ahead." "1, 2... whoop!" "Something wrong, woody?" "No, no, no." "Uh, it's just where i come from, everybody goes "whoop!" Before they take a picture." "Everybody." "1, 2, 3." "(All) whoops!" "What say we all adjourn to the dining room?" "You, i'll see inside." "Hey, sam, can i ask you something?" "What, another etiquette question?" "Yeah, yeah." "Uh, last one." "What do i do if kelly's mom tries to go to bed with me?" "Kelly's mom?" "I'm shocked." "And more than a little impressed." "She got me alone." "She said she wanted to get to know me." "And then she gave me a kiss." "Well, now, woody, maybe she's just being, you know, motherly." "Sam, she pinched my... back pocket." "Well, now, you know, in certain parts of europe that's considered a sign of respect." "I think you'd like europe, actually." "Sam, come on, man." "Well, all right, uh, here's a simple rule i live my life by ignore the problem, it'll go away." "Yeah, ignore it." "That's-- that's-- that's bound to work." "Ok, thanks." "Gentlemen, won't you join us?" "Yes, thank you very much." "And, woody, dear, you'll be sitting on my right hand." "Were you born in europe, mrs." "Gaines?" "[Cliff shouting]" "so, frase, how's cliff's blood pressure?" "Well, the way his arms are flailing about, i couldn't get close enough to check it." "I'd say by the way he's been bellowing all afternoon, he's still alive." "How do you like that?" "For once, the bull is throwing clavin around." "Well, ma'am, i'm sorry, but, uh, there isn't much more we can do for him today." "Why?" "C-can't you just pull the plug or something?" "But you got that bull butted up right up against the plug." "Besides, if we did kill the power, the bull would stop too abruptly." "It might send that mailman right through the wall." "Tell me when the lights go out!" "Carla, get away from that fuse box!" "¶[Classical music playing]" "did you know that when i was your age i used to be a dancer?" "Oh, really, mrs." "Gaines?" "Oh, yes." "You don't get thighs like these from cracking coconuts." "I'm allergic to coconuts." "Well, maybe you just haven't had them husked in the right manner." "If you'll excuse me, mrs." "Gaines, i'm having trouble swallowing." "Well, boys, guess what?" "Our stock deal happened just like we knew it would." "All right!" "How about that!" "That's great." "Sam, you didn't invest any money with conrad and the guys, did you?" "I sure did." "A bundle." "[Laughing] sam." "What?" "Maybe you should think about taking some food home." "Why?" "Sam, we just found out the company falsified their profits." "The s.E.C. Suspended trading." "Stock's worthless." "What?" "Sam, connie and the guys are known as "the hard luck 5."" "Yeah, we invest in something, down it goes." "Say, fellas, what say we fly to vegas and lose some serious money, huh?" "We'll bet red all night." "You gonna finish that?" "No." "Mrs. Gaines, thank you for helping me adjust my napkin, but it's really not necessary." "By the way, i don't usually wear it tucked in quite so far." "Is there something about me that makes you nervous, woody?" "Oh, i don't know." "The things you say, y-your hands your coconut-cracking thighs." "Then you have no problem with my feet." "Mrs. Gaines, stop it!" "I'm not having sex with you!" "I won't have sex with you!" "I won't!" "I won't!" "I won't!" "No sex!" "Do you hear me?" "Now i want both hands and both feet on the table right now!" "Kelly, am i using the wrong fork or something?" "(Cliff) someone, get me off!" "$5. $5!" "You know, carla, if cliff actually broke the world record, it would be good publicity for the bar." "Yeah, but i can't find any record in here at all for mechanical bull riding." "Look under "stupidest stunts."" "Here it is." "First page." "I've lost kelly forever." "She's never gonna want to talk to me again after what i've done." "Come on, woody." "Look, i'm sure lots of guys yell out at dinner parties that they won't have sex with their girlfriends' mothers." "Yeah, you're probably right, mr." "Peterson, but that still doesn't help ease the pain." "Hi, woody." "Kelly." "Are you ok?" "Well, i thought you'd never want to see me again after what i did." "Well, i admit, i was a bit peeved at first, but i can understand." "You know, i--i'm just sorry that mother gave you the wrong impression." "What do you mean?" "Woody, maybe i should have warned you about her." "Mother likes to flirt." "But it's all innocent fun." "She says it keeps her young." "You mean she was just goofing around with me?" "She's flirted with all my boyfriends." "Of course, nobody's been rude about it like you." "All right, wood." "Way to go." "So i've blown it." "Now i've blown it with every single member of your family." "You haven't blown it with one very important person, woody." "I know." "Your crazy aunt martha." "Of course, she thinks i'm winston churchill." "No, woody, with me." "Don't you see?" "It--it doesn't matter what my family thinks." "I love you." "Besides, mother still likes you." "As a matter of fact, she wanted to come here and apologize in person." "But i thought it might make you nervous, so i had her write you a note instead." "Oh, that was real nice of her." "Woody, i've got to run." "I'm just supposed to be out for a few minutes picking up cold cuts." "It seems like a lot of food disappeared." "We don't know what happened." "Good night, sam." "[Muffled] good night, kelly." "So, smooth sailing, huh, wood?" "Yeah, i am so relieved." "(Norm) all right." "Well, i mean, i should have known that, uh, mrs." "Gaines wouldn't be interested in me." "[All chuckling] i should have known that a nice classy lady like her would never be interested in a naive indiana farm boy." "Well, i have to admit it is kind of silly, isn't it?" "Woody and mrs." "Gaines, it's about the most ridiculous thing i ever heard." "[All laughing] hey, man, you think that's funny, wait till you hear this." ""Dear, woody," ""kelly thinks i'm writing you an apology." ""What i really want to say is i ache for you," ""my strong young coconut." ""I live for the moment" ""when i can harvest your lusty fruit." "Love, roxanne."" "Is she a crack-up, or what?" "[All laughing] ma'am, a textbook rescue." "We have the walls covered with mattresses." "All we have to do is cut the power, and he'll land there safe as a baby." "All right, let's not waste any more time." "Let's do it." "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "According to this book here, if clavin can stay on that bull for 5 more hours, he's gonna break the world record." "Hey, clavin, do you want to get off, or do you want to be world champion?" "[Cliff yelling] i want, i want, i want to get off!" "For the l-love of god, get me o-off!" "He's gonna go for it!" "[All cheering]"