"It says here I'm gonna meet a handsome man, with "bags of personality"." "I told you." "I'm married." "I still can't believe you got somebody to marry you." "Don't be too amazed, you haven't seen her." "Bloody hell, Kimberley, are you still doing that timesheet?" " Hurry up!" " It's complicated, Mr Stokes." "Are you having a laugh?" "Is she having a laugh?" "You know it gives me a headache if it's too hard." "Funny, that's what the wife said to me yesterday." "I said, "Don't flatter yourself, love." "That's not hard."" ""It died years ago." "That's rigor mortis!"" "Andy Millman as Ray Stokes, in a scene from BBC1's new sitcom," ""When the Whistle Blows"." "The catch-phrase is "Are you having a laugh?"." " Did you, Germaine Greer?" " Oh, for goodness' sake, why me?" "Why do you make me watch this stuff?" "This was sexist, misogynistic, Neanderthal garbage." "It was nothing but really nasty sub carry-on innuendo." "And it seems that this talentless Millman individual also wrote the script?" "Wrote?" "It's supposed to've had a writer?" "I think he needs a defender." "Mark Kermode." "I think Germaine's being flattering about it." "It was horrible." "I get the idea, they all seems to like it." " No, they're slagging you off." " I'm being sarcastic." "Everyone involved should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves." "Why did Germaine Greer and all these feminists burn their bras?" "What was going on there?" "It was a symbolic gesture, to suggest emancipation from a patriarcal society." "But a bra is supposed to help, stop them from getting backache." "You couldn't tell'em at the time, they were furious." "Bet they're kicking themselves now, with their boobs all saggy around their ankles." "Sorry, can we concentrate on the matter at hand?" "The weird thing is, the worst the reviews are, the better the ratings." "Strange, think about these people who make great programs but don't get half your audience." "I thought it would be great to work with them, 'cause they get the critical respect." "Then I thought, no!" "I much prefer working with you." "Because you've..." "You've sold out." "We're all making a fast buck now, which is great." "I don't wanna be doing this for the rest of my life." "I do wanna be doing this for the rest of my life." "D'you know how exhausting it is, getting panned by the critics every week?" "I've got no respect, and why should I have?" "I'm not an actor, I shout a catch-phrase." "D'you know why I got into acting in the first place?" "Robert De Niro." "D'you think he'd be impressed with wigs and shouting the same thing every week?" "He's got a body of work he can look back on, be proud of." "Get me something I can be proud of." "Has anything classy come in?" "Funny you should say that." "BBC, doing more of those modern adaptations of Shakespeare." "Doing King Lear." " Who's playing Lear?" " Robson Green." "Get me some real Shakespeare." "Get me any play." "Play with sorts of an actor whose career's struggling." "They always pretend it was their first love, they do a bit of theater, and it gives a bit of cred'." "Get me a play." "The play is the thing." "Well then a play Bar, alright?" "I'm gonna put this in an e-mail so you remember as well." "I've got the worst management in the world." "D'you know what I mean?" "I'm successful now." "I'm still surrounded by the D-Team." "Not the A-Team." "It'd be hard, though." "They're hiding in the L.A. underground, so..." " Not the A-Team." " That's what you said." "No, they're fictional characters." "I don't know." "Thought it was a bit weird you mentioned them." " I didn't." "I meant the phrase." " What phrase?" "The A-Team, it means the best possible people for the job." "But the six million dollar man, was that a phrase?" "It's very specific to him, cause he cost 6 million dollars." "No, that could have been a phrase." ""Oh, look at him." "He's a right old six million dollar man, ain't he?"" "When would you ever say that?" "If you saw a man that could run fast and see really well with one eye." " What's the chance of that?" " I don't know." " I didn't make up the phrase, did I?" " It's not a phrase." " See you down there." " See you later." "Lisa, before you go, could you sign a picture for me?" "What's your name again, love?" "Don't worry about it." "If you can't remember my name, it doesn't matter." "I've just forgotten 'cause there's so many people." "Right." "So, have you forgotten his name, then?" "Or do you remember the actors, but not the little people?" "I've been doing your hair and make-up for five weeks." " I'm very sorry, I just..." " It's fine." " Doesn't matter." " Got a terrible memory." "Don't worry about it." "Sorry." "God, what a bitch!" "It's all the same with some of these people." ""I'm on the telly so I'm more important than the fucking crew!"" " Makes me sick." " What can you do?" "I don't know her name!" "Andy, by the way." "Can you sign me a picture?" "Can you sign that?" "This one?" " Who to?" " Just to me." "What should I put, though?" ""To..."" "To me, and..." ""Best wishes" or whatever?" "What, d'you not wanna sign that?" "A pleasure." "I was just thinking..." "I don't wanna spell your name wrong." "How do you spell it?" "It's just the usual." "Okay, let's go for it." "Can't write with that, though." "Let me go..." "I've got a magic marker." " I've got a magic marker!" " Have you?" "In my bag." "Thanks." "Let's start with me, first." ""Andy Millman..." Work backwards." ""Best wishes"." "I mean that." ""To..."" "And then your name..." "Oh, right!" "Sorry, before we do that..." "Sorry about this." "I must..." "Hold on." "Let me do this and we can get on with it." "Good." "Do you wanna get this soon, I'm really conscious of time," "I've got to get back on the set." "I know." "What's your name?" "Well, you'll see what it is now, because Andy... is about to write it down." "Stop blowing." "You don't know my name, do you?" " It's not that I don't know it." " Yeah?" "What is it then?" " Well, in this context..." " Oh, forget it!" "Honestly, forget it." "Doesn't matter." "I've got to get back to the set." "Just unbelievable." "Un-fucking-believable." "She was upset." "Yes, she was." "You knew I didn't know her name, I said to you "I don't know her name"." "So why did you give me the magic marker?" "You needed one..." "That was an excuse to leave and ask someone her name, wasn't it!" "That's clever!" "I'd never have thought you'd do that!" " What're you doing?" " Smell that." "Nice." "Fabric conditioner." "I like smells." "I once saw this bar of soap, and it smelled so nice I bit into it to see how it tasted like." "Tasted of soap." "Reception say they've got a guy here who says he knows you?" "Oh God, who is it?" "He says he went to school with you." "Steve Sherwood?" "Who is it?" " It's what he said." " He's here now?" "Can he come through?" " Can you send that guy up?" " Who's that?" "He was the coolest kid in the school, everyone wanted to be like him." " Even you?" " I suppose so." " What does he do now?" " Something big in the City." "You could still do that." "I don't wanna be like him now, do I?" "I'm doing really well." "He probably wants to be like me, if anything." "He definitely doesn't want to be like you." "Andy Pandy, you little fat puff!" "Hold on, hold on." "You're with a pretty girl." "There can only be one explanation." "Are you a prostitute, darling?" ""Pretty girl"..." " So you're doing alright." " Not bad, yeah." "Is this the missis?" "Why do you protest so much?" "You find the idea so repulsive?" "She's an attractive lady." "Stop it!" " We all thought you were gay at school." " No, you didn't." "Why?" " You never had a girlfriend." " Not in front of you, I didn't." "So you had a girlfriend." "Not 'til he was 28." "And she looked like Ronnie Corbett." "Why do you think I'm gay?" "You don't, do you?" "I'm not." " You are an actor." " That is the gayest profession." " I think "Rent" boys is gayer." " Well, I wouldn't know." "Oh course it is, if..." "You tell me, you seem to know all about "Rent" boys." "I'm not gay." "I've never have been, I've never will be." "Nip that in the bud." "Why are you sitting on that little chair?" " What'd you want?" " The play." " I talked to one of my contacts..." " You mean Barry from EastEnders?" "And he's got a friend who's an actor, he just had a meeting with Sir Ian McKellen, who's directing a new play." "So I called, and you've got a meeting with McKellen on Wednesday." "Really?" " I don't lie to you." " There are some nice birds around here." "Suppose so." "Andy, we'll be ready in about 5 minutes." "Five minutes is all I need." " What?" " Steve Sherwood." "What's your name?" "Suzie." "Nice to meet you, Suzie." "What time do you finish here?" " About ten o'clock." " Do you mind if I give you a call?" "Sure." " Okay." " What's your number?" "Speak to you later." "Player!" "Respect, man." "Darren Lamb, agent to Andy Millman." " Steve Sherwood, a friend of mine." " You're a friend of his?" "I don't think so, this guy's an absolute player." "Respect again." "If we're talking about the honeys, there's a chick I've got my eye on, actually." "Who?" "Her." "Maggie." "Maggie?" "Forget it!" "From what I've heard, she's pretty easy." "She's not that easy." "Good luck." "How would you approach her?" "Just walk straight up to her and say..." ""I've been admiring you from afar, and I haven't said anything, but I would love to take you out one night." "See if we have as good a time as I think we will." "Would you like to have dinner with me some time, Maggie?"" "Don't think about it, just do it." " No, don't do it, please." " He says "do it"." "Get over there, go on." "Oh, look at him." "Just to let you know that I've been watching you secretly, without you knowing." "I'd be very keen to spend the night with you and see... if you enjoy it as much as I know I will." "And... happy to pay for it, as well." "You know, for dinner." "If you wanna..." "If you eat dinner, obviously you eat dinner." "Are you asking me out?" "You wanna cook me dinner ?" " I can cook if you want, yeah." " Can you cook?" " Yes." " Okay, then." "Really?" "Okay, cool." "I'll give you a call, shall I?" " See you later." " Bye." "What'd she say?" " She said yes." " Really?" "Oh, my God." "It's worse than I thought." "She's hit rock bottom." "Yes, she has!" "D'you know what, I've never seen him even try and chat a woman." "I wouldn't do it in front of you, would I?" "I'm beginning to think he might be a bit gay." "Join the club." "Don't join any club, 'cause I'm not." " You could chat a woman?" " If I wanted to, yes." "Go on, then." " I don't wanna." " We've both done it." "Go on." "This one coming up." "Hi." "Do you know..." "what time you finish tonight?" "I don't know, about ten-ish I think." "Just wanted to know what time you finished." "Cheers." "I was unlucky." "She answered me and everything, ten o'clock, she said." "Still..." "Sparkling." "...she definitely noticed." "Tilly, I thought she was interesting." " Andy, do sit down." " It's a pleasure to meet you, Sir Ian." "Please, no titles in the workplace." "Good." "Not much theatre work of late?" "That's fine." "You're in good hands here." "How do I act so well?" "What I do is..." "I pretend to be the person I'm portraying in the film or play." "You're confused." "It's perfectly simple to..." "case in point." "Lord of the Rings." "Peter Jackson comes from New Zealand, says to me:" ""Sir Ian, I want you to be Gandalf the Wizard."" "And I said to him:" ""You are aware that I am not really a wizard?"" "And he said: "Yes, I am aware of that."" ""What I want you to do is to use your acting skills to portray... the wizard." "For the duration of the film."" "So I said okay." "And then I said to myself:" ""How will I do that?"" "And this is what I did." "I imagined what it would be like to be a wizard, and then..." "I pretended and acted in that way on the day." "And how did I know what to say?" "The words were written down for me in a script." "How did I know where to stand?" "People told me." "If we were to draw a graph of my process, of my method, it'd be something like this." "Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian, action..." "Wizard: "You shall not pass!" Cut!" "(j'ai beau googler lord of the rings, ya rien avant "you shall not pass" dans le film)" "Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian." "Okay, you get it?" "Now, you would be pretending to be John in this play." "And how would you know what to say?" "Well, the words would be in the script." "And you would learn the words." "You wouldn't have the script on the night." "And that goes for everybody." "No script on the night!" "You learn the words." "You'll speak them as if you were saying them for the first time." " I didn't think we'd have the script." " Nobody won't." "Because if you did, it would break the illusion, and the whole thing is illusion, do you see?" "You are not really John!" " No, I know." " You are pretending." "And that... is acting." "What's the..." "What's the play about?" "It's a new play by Charlie, Charlie Haywood." "As I said, you'll do the part of John, and you're in love with Fran." "And the whole centerpiece of the play is... the emotional confrontation when the two of you address those unspoken feelings that you've been bottling up." " That sounds challenging." " I hope so." "And I don't know, is it anything you'd be inter..." "Definitely, yeah." "So let me introduce you to the team." "There's Fran, who's your lover... played by Leslie." "Leslie, this is Andy." "You're Fran?" "Fran's a man?" "Can be, 'cause Fran Healy of..." "Travis." "What?" "And our clever little writer, Charlie." "Who's a woman." "I'm Fran's lover in this?" "Can I have a quick look at the... script?" "No one said anything about..." "And I don't know if you..." "I just wanna..." "We thought we might do a little workshop for some of the lines, to get it up on its feet, kicking it around a bit." "Do you have time for that?" "Can I get you something?" "Some water?" "Cup of tea?" "George, will you get Andy a cup of tea?" "Yeah, no problem." "George, 'course." "Alright?" "Moron." " You're talking to me?" " Yeah." "Why didn't you tell me it was a gay play?" "The play that you got me." "A Month for Summers." "It's a gay play, I've gotta play gay with another gay." "Acting all gay all through the play, it's..." "It's so gay." "Do not worry." "Do you know why?" " Gay, my friend, is all the rage." " What does that mean?" "Let me tell you." "It will show you are sensitive." "That you are versatile." "Alright?" "Case in point, Mr Thomas Hanks." "People weren't interested in Tom Hanks." "Suddently he does the film "Phildelphia"." "He played a skinny little bent fella." "Remember?" "After that, everyone loved him!" "Or those two guys from Brokeback Mountain." "They're not even gay!" "And I was watching... and they were getting off on each other, I was sick to the stomach!" "They were so convincing, even though I was like "They're not really queer!"," "I was still repulsed." "'Cause of how good they were." "When did you go and see Brokeback Mountain?" "I watched on DVD with Barry." "I don't know." "John..." "I love you." "I know." "Yes, that's lovely." "Thanks." "Hi, can I just check there are some tickets for my colleagues from the BBC," "Damon Beesley, plus one, and Ian Morris, plus one." " Yeah, we got them." " Great." "Andy Pandy!" "You remember these boys from school?" "Knobby, Bossog, Gotwin." " You're not here for the play, are you?" " Yeah, we got tickets." "No, not your type of thing." "We're looking forward to it." "What's it about?" "It's all feelings and emotions, I'm just here for..." "Oh, no." "Oh, God, look at that." " Poufters at twelve o'clock." " What can you do?" " They're your audience, is it?" " No way!" "Fans." " Thanks for sorting our tickets, love." " No worries." "Why're you sorting the Village People out tickets?" "This is guess whooo?" " Bunny!" " Christ." "I couldn't miss my little genius fast grown-up play!" "You do hang around with all the butch boys, don't you?" "Hello." " I'm Bunny." " He was..." "How's the wife?" "Gone." "I'd been living a lie and she knew it." "But now..." "I'm able to go and enjoy some serious cock guilt-free, yumma-yumma-yumma!" "Break a leg!" "Okay, I gotta get changed." "Come down for a few beers if you want, but don't hang around for this shit." " How're you doing?" " Good." "I've just been talking to Leslie." "We think it would be better if at the end of Act Two, you were to kiss each other." "You know?" "Leslie and you kiss each other at the end of Act Two." "Why?" "It's just too obvious." "No!" "Dear, don't forget, you've finally been able to express your feelings toward each other." "For the first time in twenty years." "I think a kiss would be... a sort of physicalisation of this emotional liberation." "You know?" "Your freedom to show the world what you are." "Not the whole world, though." "Let's give'em a clue, but let's keep it subtle." "If he just leans over you," " and kisses you..." " ...on the cheek." "Shake hands." "Curtain comes down, bravo!" "Encore!" "What a brilliantly directed play!" "Thank you, dear, but..." " He must kiss you on the lips." " He can't." " Why's that?" " Cold sore." "Yeah." "Opening night." "Sod's law." "You can't see it's under the..." " Don't you worry about that." " I do worry about that." "We'll sort that out." "Old theatre trick." "George, can you get us some vaseline?" "Hello." "Alright?" "Come in." "The crib." " It's big." " Well, yes." " I brought you..." " Thank you." " Is that red or white?" " Red, but I drink anything." "No, I got a bottle of red myself, so..." "So, obviously, we're both fans or red." " I quite like white." " I drink anything, me." "Do you want..." "Let me take your coat, it's quite hot in here." " 'Cause of the cooking." " It's a nice smell." "Yeah, no, it's what I was going for, sort of oriental." "Just hang it up here." "Come on, Fran, you're like an old lady!" "I stopped to pick up this shell." "Look." " It's beautiful." " It is." "Do you remember the first time we came here?" " With Paul." " Yeah." "Oh, bloody sea!" " Why are you so scared of the sea?" " I'm not scared of the sea." "It's just..." "When it gets in your shoes, the salted water just rots away the stitches, and they fall apart..." "And you have to throw them away." " You're still talking about the sea?" " 'Course, what else?" "You're mad." "I'm going back to the beach house." "Fran, wait for me!" "You gotta go like that." "I like the sound of it." "I know, but you can't have a proper cuisine's dinner in Ibiza." " You okay?" " Yeah, just..." "Just waiting for the system to refill." "There's a..." "I just left a bit of..." "It didn't flush away completely, so..." "Anyway." " Are you gonna sit down?" " No, 'cause it's on my mind to be honest, so..." "I wanna get it sorted." "Is that alright?" "Let's have another go." "Oh, for fuck's sake!" "Don't worry about it." "You know, I don't to have to see it." "I don't want you to have to worry about it." "That's just mashing it up." "You kept the shell." "'Course I did, you gave it to me." "It wasn't mine to give." "I kept it anyway." "Near the knee." "John..." " I love you." " In the play." "I know." " I'm going to kiss you." " No point." "Silly." "Sometimes I don't know what you're talking about." "We do, we agreed." "If any nonsense happens, I'm going home." "Let's just have a lovely evening and appreciate the stars and the moon." "As agreed." "Okay?" "So..." "Just run to the next... bit." "Not gonna happen." "What the fuck's that?" "What're you doing?" "It's like Deliverance in here!" "What're you playing at?" "I said I wouldn't do the kiss." "McKellen comes to me five minutes before and drops that bombshell on me:" ""Oh, we'd like you to do the kiss!"" "Not my cup of tea, mate." "And then all that..." "and him, a knight of the realm." "D'you wanna do the end bit without that?" "Oh, he's got the hump." "No understudies, I'm afraid." "It's the end of the run." "Sorry about that." "We're nearly finished anyway." "To be fair, there was about five minutes to go, wasn't there?" "All you missed was..." "We find out that me and Fran, we both have had it off with Paul, we mentioned earlier." "Paul killed himself 'cause he was racked with guilt about... doing it with both of us behind everyone's back." "So..." "She's writing all this down?" "That's not gonna be good, is it?" "Are you having a laugh?" "Is he having a laugh?" "Not my audience, so what?" "Subtitles:" "Nathbot, Quarkienette"