"Chelsea?" "Yeah?" "You okay?" "I think I'm coming down with a cold." "That doesn't sound like a cold it sounds like quitting time in Bedrock." "Do I feel hot to you?" " Let me see." " Stop it." "You're supposed to feel my head." "Yeahbut those babies are my frame of reference." "Maybe I should go home." "Wellif you think that's the right thing to do." "Charlieit's the middle of the night and I'm sick." "I'm not going home." "Then why'd you say you were?" "I was testing you." "YeahwellI knew that and I was testing you." "I think we both did very well." "Tell you what you get a good night's sleep." "I'm sure you'll feel better in the morning." "Where are you going?" "I'm gonna go crash on the couch let you have the whole bed to yourself." "Really?" "You're gonna leave me here alone?" "NonoI just thought you might want your own space." "You knowwhen dogs are sick they hide till they feel better." "Probably why they're man's best friend." "Could you please stay?" "Pretty please?" "How can I say no?" "Seriouslyhow?" "Spoon?" "Try and stop me." "So whatyou're just gonna swallow that?" "Go to sleep." "What are you doing?" "Come onyou know what happens when we spoon." "I'm sick." "Obviouslyso am I." "All rightfine." "Go ahead." "This is another testisn't it?" "Two and a Half Men Season 06 Episode18" "Coming up next on Turner Classic Movies:" "The Bridges of Madison County." "I am not gonna cry." "What are you doing up?" "Watching a Clint Eastwood movie." "What are you doing up?" "Chelsea's sick." "She was coughing and sneezing all over the place." "Ohno." "Yeah.I had to wait till she finally fell asleep so I could get the hell outta there without pissing' her off." "How considerate." "What do you want from me?" "I'm not a big phlegm fan." "This isn't a Clint Eastwood movie." "Yesit is." "Even Clint Eastwood doesn't think this is a Clint Eastwood movie." "WelltoughI like it." "Sureyou do." "You're a giant fruit basket." "I'll never apologize for my femine side." "BoyI hope she gets better soon." "This sick stuff is not what I signed on for." "You're kiddingright?" "This is exactly what you signed on for." "You told Chelsea you loved her you gave her an engagement ring." "This is what it's all about." "Being there for her no matter what." "For richer or poorer better or worse in sickness and in health." "Call me crazy but I prefer richer better and health." "Wellregardlessthis could be a real opportunity for you." "Opportunity for what a massive infection?" "An opportunity to show her that she can depend on you." "That you're not just there for the good times." "OkayI hear that." " But tell me one thing." " Yeah?" "What's in it for me?" "Watch Clint and Meryl." "Learn how to love." "I'll take my chances in the snot locker." "I will not cry." "Charlie?" "You awake?" "BoyI hope not." "I feel awful." "Really?" "You look swell." "I should go home." "Nononono." "I am not falling for that again." "You stay right herelet me take care of you." "You mean it?" "Ohmando I have to mean ittoo?" "Just kiddin'." "Can I make you some tea or something?" " Yesplease." " Comin' up." " With honey?" " Sure." "And maybe an English muffin." "No problem." "Toasted crispy." "Right." "And let the butter melt into all the nooks and crannies before you put the jam on." "Anything else?" "Can I have a hug?" "Try and stop me." "Nice necklace." "Thanks." "Buy it for yourself?" "Noa girl gave it to me." "Really?" "She must like you." "Yeahshe's nuts for me." "Wellis she cute?" "I guess." "Youuhyou don't seem very happy about it." "I'm not." "Why?" "What's the problem?" "She's nine." "Nine?" "Where would you meet a nine-year-old girl?" "We're in the same math class." "Isuhis she one of those advanced students?" "Sadlyno." "But she does help me with my homework." "HeyBertaChelsea's not feeling well." "Could you make her some tea and an English muffin?" "SureIcould." "But you won't." "Is that what you're saying?" "Where are the muffins?" "In the fridge." "As always." "Don't condescend to me." "He does it to me all the time." "It's very irritating." "No one's talking to you." "See?" "Like that." "That wasn't condescending." "But that wasright?" "Right..." "Boyas soon as I get my licenseI am so outta here." "Sure." "You can drive your girlfriend to Gymboree." "At least I have a girlfriend." "At least I have a girlfriend." "So what's the deal?" "DoesuhChelsea have a cold?" "I'm not sure." "Coldflusomething disgusting." "Maybe she has an STD." "What?" "It means "sexually transmitted disease."" "I know what STD's are." "Your uncle helped invent them." "You knowthey can be prevented by using a condom." "I know we could've prevented you by using a condom." "Now we gotta use a hammer." "I don't understand." "Go get me a hammer and I'll show you." "Okay." "You must be so proud." "Ball peen or claw hammer?" "Do me a favor when he comes backjust do it." "Okayhere we go." "Room service." "Chelsea?" "Honey?" " Don't come in." " Wasn't even tempted." "I got your tea and muffins." "I have diarrhea." "I can't eat now." "I may never eat again." "Would you mind going to the drugstore for me?" "For youI'd go to the ends of the earth." "Coming back's a whole other question." "What?" "I said"What do you need?"" "WellI need Pepto and we're almost out of tissues and I need some decongestant some cough syrup something for canker sores and wet wipes." "For your hands?" " No." " Got it." "And I'm probably gonna need some tampons." "Ohgreat." "There's gonna be bloodtoo." "You're really being wonderful about all this Charlie." "Ohit's nothing." "It's what a guy does when he loves somebody." "Should've known." "The second you give 'em a ring they fall out of warranty." "HeyRussell?" "What's good for canker sores?" "You got canker sores?" "Nomy girlfriend." "What do you recommend?" "Tennis shoes." " Excuse me?" " Put 'em on and run away." "There's a lot of broads out there." "Find a clean one." "I" " I can't run away." "I'm kind of engaged to her." "OhCharlieno." "Yup." "I bit the bullet." "You bit the big one." "Heyjust because you blew three marriages doesn't mean I can't make this work." "You're a funny guyCharlie." "And that's not just the Oxycontin talking." "Here you go." "Cank-B-Gone." "What else?" "Uhlet's see." "Cough syrup." "Regular or codeine?" "Don't you need a prescription for codeine?" "What are youa cop?" "Here." "I'll give you the kid stuff." "What else?" "Uhtissues throat lozenges decongestant Peptowet wipes." "Geezwhere'd you find this one?" "A hospital parking lot?" "Come onRussellhelp me out." "Okay." "Okayhere you go." "A dam for every river." "A plug for every jug." "OhrightI almost forgot." "She also needs tampons." "Ohlucky you." "What size?" "How should I know?" "Is there some kind of a condom-tampon conversion chart?" "Nobut that's an amusing idea." "Actuallyit's not about sizeper se." "It's more about flow." "Okayseethat's a piece of information I could have gone the rest of my life without knowing." "Here you go." "Here's a variety pack." "This'll handle anything from a little drizzle to a monsoon." "Listenis it too late to change my mind about the codeine?" "The first one's free." "Okaygot all your stuff." "Took you long enough." "I just went shopping for wet wipes and tampons." "I'm allowed to take my time." "I'm sorry." "Are you mad at me?" "No." "No." "Why would I be mad at you?" "'Cause I'm sick and you have to take care of me." "Are you kidding me?" "I love taking care of you." "I just..." "love... it." "YeahI can see that." "Listencould you go over to my place and get me some clean clothes and feed Sir Lancelot?" " Who?" " My cat." "He's not gonna feed himself Charlie." "Are you sure?" "Maybe you've got mice." "And you're probably gonna have to change the litter boxtoo." "Change it into what?" "You got to scoop out the poop and put in fresh litter." "Ohthis just keeps getting better and better." " Charlie?" " Yeah?" " I love you." " Great." "Aren't you gonna say it back?" "I'm gonna go pan for cat turds." "If that doesn't say "I love you" nothing does." "I promiseI'm wearing it." "Wait a sec." "OkayI sent you a picture." "Now what's the answer to number four?" "Ohyeah." "That's what I had." "What you doingAlan?" "My taxes." "I promised myself I wouldn't wait till the last minute this year." "Yeahand you promised me you'd only stay here for a few days so your word means nothing." "Come onyou're driving me to Chelsea's." "Why don't you drive yourself?" "Because I just chugged a half a bottle of codeine and this bourbon might make me a bit of a threat on the road." "Ahgood call." "Herekittykitty." "Herekittykittykitty." "OkayI got her clean clothes." "Great." "Now I just got to feed the damn cat." "Come onSir Lancelot." "Come out and eat your kibble." "Son of a bitch!" "I'm pretty sure if you just put the food out he'll find it and eat it when he's hungry." "Really?" "You'd think if he was that smart he'd just crap in the toilet instead of a litter box." "Ohuhdid you change the litter yet?" "No." "I was actually gonna offer you $20 to do it." " I'll take it." " Deal..." "I would have done it for ten." "I would have given you a thousand." "Big cat." "You know what I just realized Alan?" "Cough syrup and hard liquor don't mix?" "Nothey're delightful." "I'm thinking that sooner or later Chelsea's gonna want to move in with me." "Yeahif you marry her that's a chance you take." "And she's probably gonna want to bring Sir Craps-a-lot." "You never know." "He might want to get his own place." "I'm guessing he will before you will." "OhLord." "This cat's been eating more than kibble." "This turd's got feathers." "You knowthere's a real chance that someday without any kind of warning whatsoever" "Chelsea will up and decide to get sick again." "And we're on the air with codeine and bourbon." "Go aheadcaller." "I'm just sayingI don't think I can go through it again." "I'm not cut out to be a caregiver." "Wellyou might not think so but you're doing it." "I meanyouCharlie Harper are unselfishly taking care of the woman you love." "Maybe sobut... it's getting harder and harder to love her." "You don't mean that." "OhAlan if you'd seen and heard the things I have in the last 24 hours it'd turn you gayer than a French horn." "Excuse me but I have witnessed childbirth." "I saw my son's enormous head poke out of what used to be one of my very favorite places." "Thanks for the image." "I'll never be able to watch the kid pull on a sweater again." "Trust me.If you hang in there and show Chelsea that you'll stick by her even when she's not at her best she will love you more deeply and intensely than you ever could have imagined." "And you know this how?" "How else?" "Chick flicks." "This is not a kitty cat." "This is a mountain lion." "Look." "You need some more orange juice?" "Nothank you." "It was so nice of you to bring some up without me even asking." "Don't tell Charlie." "It's taken a long time to train him not to expect anything from me." "Yeah." "He really is crazy about youyou know." "You think?" "Are you kidding?" "Charlie doesn't go near sick women." "I meanphysically sick." "Around here one sneeze will get you cab fare and a complimentary travel mug." "I have noticed he's trying very hard." "Just rember when it comes to nurturing Charlie's like a dog playing the piano." "You can't fault him if he hits a few bum notes." "You just got to applaud the effort and hope he doesn't whiz all over the keys." "I understand." "ThanksBerta." "Just so we're clear this ain't no hotel." "You need more towels you get 'em yourself." "Sorry about that." "You really can't expect much from her." "I won't." "Here." "I got you clean clothes and underwear." "The cat's fed and the litter box is turd free." "Thank youCharlie." "You have been so wonderful through all of this." "I havehaven't I?" "I just want you to know I am definitely gonna make it up to you." "Chelseato be honest that's the only thing that's kept me going." "Uh-ohwhat?" "OhCharlieI'm so sorry." "Nonoit's okay." "At least it's not wicker." "Excuse me a sec." "OkayI am going to go to the pharmacy and get your medicine." "If you get it from Russell count the pills." "Will do." "Hope you feel better." "Thanks." "Charlieyou don't mind Sir Lancelot being heredo you?" " Nonot at all." "I love cats." " Good." "Don't scratch the door Sir Lancelot!" "Did you clean my litter box?" "Ohcome on." "I've been sick." "Fine." "I'll just use your facilities." "Not in the tub this timeokay?" "Your houseyour rules." "I'm not gonna make it." "Yesyou are."