"Have you seen Eeanor's new face-ift?" "Oh, face-lift, please." "More like a face launch." "Kitty, isn't that your daughter-in-aw?" "Oh, yes, yes, that's Dharma." "We gave her a junior membership to the club as an anniversary gift." "I will make a Montgomery of her yet." "Who's that with her, your maid?" " No." " I think it is." "Now, what is her name?" " Cicily." " Ceia." "T's not her." " You didn't even ook." " Ooked and it's not her." "Dharma." "Celia." " Hey." " Come join us." "Oh, God." "What's shaking, girfriends?" "Come, sit." "Sit." "Sn't it wonderfu that Dharma brought your maid to the country club?" "Is it safe to leave our stuff at the table?" "Fine." "Exactly what are you doing here?" "Lunching at the club, darling." "We had errands to run for Ceia's wedding and this was convenient." "You're getting married?" "Yes, but 'm not taking any time off." "Wait until you meet her fiancé." "He is H-O-T, caliente." "Look who it is." "T's my favorite wife and my favorite mother." "And Celia, who Dharma brought to lunch." "We, that's a need to know." "Bye." "And then the discussion turned to the menu for Ceia's wedding." "At which point your wife..." "That's me." "...invited the busboy..." " As a food professional." "...to join our table." "Who else knows better what people eat and what they leave on their plate than a busboy?" "Gregory, please, would you explain to Dharma why it is inappropriate for her to invite my maid to have lunch at my country club?" "But first, explain to your mother that her maid is also a human being." "Oh, for God's sakes, know she's a human being." "Dharma has got to understand it's easier if we maintain separate social lives." "Don't you expain anything." "'M not taking to your mother." "Please, Dharma, I try to respect your life, your values." "Don't go among your friends and chop down trees, and hand out meat." "Am I not right, Gregory?" "Mother, reay don't..." "You see?" "Now it's awkward." "Because you're making it awkward." "There is no reason why Celia can't be your empoyee and your friend." "The woman, obviously, does not want to be my friend." "Oh, you're upset because she didn't invite you to the wedding." "Oh, pease, that's ridicuous." " You two need me anymore?" "Bye." " No." "You are." "You're upset." "Don't hide your feeings, Kitty." "I am not upset." "I am surprised." "The woman has worked for me for..." "For 15 years." "The least she can do is extend an invitation." "'M sure she didn't invite you because she didn't think you'd go and didn't want it to ook ike she was hitting you up for a gift." "Oh, we, suppose that's possibe." "You know what?" "Why don't you go find Ceia tell her you really care and that you'd ove to share in the joy of her wedding." "You know what?" "' do it." "Don't want that woman at my wedding." "T's supposed to be a happy day." "Come on, 'm begging you, Ceia." "For me?" "Oh, all right, for you." "But you keep that sour puss of her out of my pictures." "That's okay." "Don't think she shows up on film anyway." "And so I would be very honored if you'd come to my wedding this Saturday." "Really." "This Saturday." "That's awfuy short notice, isn't it?" "She'd ove to." "Dristan is Dristan in Spanish." "Yeah, but it's pronounced "Dristan."" " Drristan." " Drrristan." "Drrristan." "Stop it, both of you." "Now where are we?" "According to the map, we're on Eisenhower Street but the signs say Benito Juárez Boulevard." " Juárez." " Juárez." "Swear 'm gonna knock your heads together." "Montgomery." "Oh, hi, Pete." "Oh, man, 'm sorry, I completely forgot." "Can it wait till Monday?" "Excuse me, fellas." "Do you know where St. Catherine's Church is?" " Dharma, put that window up." " Relax, Kitty." "Hey." "Kitty." "We're in a very dangerous neighborhood and 'd prefer not to be on the evening news." "Now just leave that window up." "Hey, you put the child lock on." "Okay. 'm on my way to a wedding." "Can you bring the papers there?" "Great." "T's St. Catherine's." "T's on the corner of Cesar Chavez and Fourth." "Lost gringos, little help?" "Ceia, what's wrong?" "Everything is a mess." "The people who were supposed to park the cars, they quit." " Why?" " They thought they heard gunfires." "And they ran away." "Gunfire?" "It was firecrackers from the Chinese kids." " They're taking over this neighborhood." " Don't worry about it." "Everything will be fine." "Greg and I will take over." " What?" " T' be fun." "We get to wear vests." "No, no, no, Dharma, you are a guest." "No, no, no, Celia, don't worry about it." "Go on." "Go get married." "We' miss the ceremony." "Oh, come on, Greg, this can be our gift to Celia." "What about the Sex for Seniors video?" "Give it to your mom." "T' freak her out on so many eves." "Here we go." " Hi. ' take it from here." " You're the vaet?" "You don't get one of these vests for juggling taters." "All righty." "Gregory, what are you doing?" "We're vaet parking cars, Mother." "T's our gift to Ceia." "For God's sake, say something, Edward." "Leave the seat where it is and don't monkey with the radio." "No, no, no, Greg." "You can't just hang the key anywhere." " There's a system." " What's the system?" " Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces..." " How is that gonna work?" "When the people come out, just see what sign they are and you grab their key." "Thank you." "Aries?" "That's right." "And you're driving a Taurus?" "T's a wonder you got here at a." "Park it near a Saturn." "T' hep baance him out." "Hey, guys." "Wasn't that a beautifu ceremony?" "What are you doing here?" "We're friends, she invited us." "What do you think of our outfits?" "T's a sma word after a?" "T's the traditiona wedding garb of Ceia's country." "We, it's amost traditiona." " We're wearing underwear." " Yeah." "So are we." "Dharma, Dharma, why don't you let me park this?" " Why?" " Because it's a Ferrari." "You have to know how to drive it." "Have you ever driven one?" " No." " So, why should you get to drive it?" ""Because 'm a guy" isn't gonna work, is it?" "Not unless you have to park it with your penis." "' Be back in a fash." "Oh, yeah, baby, growl for mama." "Hey, is it all right if I leave my car there?" "I gotta..." "I gotta get a camera." " Give me the papers." " Yeah, just like that." "What the hell are you doing?" "T's a ong story." "Dharma wanted to help out Celia..." "Excuse me." " Welcome." " Thank you." " Greg?" " Ynez." " Didn't know you were coming." " Few in for my aunt's wedding." " How have you been?" " Fine." "I thought you were going to college some day, maybe be a lawyer or..." "I did." "I am." "Really." "'M just doing this as a..." "As a gift for your aunt." "Hey, pal, the change that was in my ashtray, I want it back now." "Pete." "T's okay." "Maybe some day your dream will come true." "That's my wife." "Oh, this is my husband, Fernando." "Fernando, este es Gregory." "Nice to meet you." "T's great to see you again." " You too." " Thanks." " Who's that?" " Oh, Ynez." "Ceia's niece." "She spent the summer at our house years ago when I was a kid." "Ynez?" "Today-l-am-a-man Ynez?" "Pete, have you met my wife, Dharma?" "She was your first?" " Yeah, yeah, she was." " You go, boy." "How was that?" "It was a long time ago." "Don't remember." "Oh, yeah, right." "I was an inexperienced teenager, she was a little older and it just..." "It happened." "That's not what you tod me." "What about the pool house and, "Gregory, no más. 'm exhausted."" "'M gonna ki you." "Why?" "T's okay." "T's wonderfu your first time was so passionate." "And so international." " Was she a virgin too?" " Don't know." "You'd have to ask her." " Okay." " Honey, no." "Figure of speech." "Dharma, listen, I..." "This is very good." "What did you say it is?" "Chimi ho hos." "The national dish of your country." "Chimi ho hos." "Don't think so." "No, it is." "'M sure your mother used to get up early and pound the corn meal and mix it with the vegetables that grew in that rich volcanic soil." "My mother was a dentist." "Well, you have lovely teeth." "Hello, how do you do?" "'M Kitty Montgomery, employer of the bride." "Oh, so you're Kitty Montgomery." "You know, don't speak Spanish." "What was that?" "Oh, Celia speaks of you often." "Oh, all good I hope." "Oh, yes, really good." "So how are you all acquainted with my lovely Celia?" "Oh, she and I taught high school together in our country." "'M sorry." "Ceia taught high schoo?" "Yes." "Literature and mathematics." "And she also fought with Yolanda and Marta in the resistance." "Really." "Exactly what..." "What did she do?" "You know, don't know the word for it in English but, she would hide up in a tree and shoot people with a rifle." "Sniper." "Yes." "Sí, sí, sniper." "I understand that knockout was a guest in your house for a while back." "Yes, lovely girl." "She taught Greg to tango." "She sure did." "They used to do it in the living room while his mother and I watched." "What?" "You mean tango." "I was talking about when they had sex." "Ynez had sex with my son?" "Excuse me." "My friend would like to know who your son is." "Oh, he's the feow outside parking cars." "El valet." "You know, if 'm gonna get my car, I should probably do it now." "Where have you been?" "Napa." "Oh, my God, Greg, et's forget about buying a house." "Let's save up for one of these." "Dharma, just park the car." "Oh, the car doesn't ike to be parked." "The car likes to go fast." "How fast were you going?" "Don't know." "But I got a little nosebleed." "How could you, Greg?" "How could you tell people stories about us?" " What?" " Hi, 'm Dharma, Greg's wife." "I just really wanna thank you for bringing him into manhood." " You told this to your wife?" " It kind of came up in conversation." "I told Fernando I was a virgin on the day we got married." "He wants to kill you and divorce me." "What?" "That's ridicuous." "Maybe you should explain to him that the emphasis on physical virginity has been forced upon him by patriarchal culture and it shoudn't be confused with spiritual purity." "That' work." "Now I demand you go in there and tell him the truth." " Ynez, I..." "I..." " Be a man." "Then maybe some day you' be more than a parking vaet." "What does she mean, tell him the truth?" " Nothing." "Let's go home." " Oh, Greg." "Well, when I told Pete the story I kind of left out that I finished a bit before Ynez did." "Oh, that's okay." "Actually a lot before." "Really?" "How much before?" "Well, she came over and she was slowly unbuttoning my shirt." " Yeah." " Right then." "Wow." "Why don't you te Pete the story that way?" "T's so much cuter." "Dharma, men don't swap cute stories about sexual inadequacy." "Well, no matter what, I think you should go in there and tell her husband." " Don't want to." " Greg." "You're gonna have to do it sooner or ater and since sooner is your specialty." "Hey." "Ease up, quick draw, it was a joke." "Anything?" " That's the ast one." " Okay." "Oh, when you tell the story, be sure not to rush it." "Hello, darling." "Are you ready again?" "Because I am." "Oh, hey, Kitty." "Wanna pu some G's?" "No, thank you." "Sucking a butt." "What's the matter?" "Nothing." "F you're trying to ki yoursef, hop in." "I can make it a lot quicker." "Dharma, tell me, truthfully am I a bad person?" "No, but when you blow smoke out of your nose, you're scary ike a dragon." "Celia has been in my house for years." "She knows every intimate detail about my life and don't know anything about hers." "Kitty, you gave her a good job which helped put her daughter through college." "She has a daughter?" "You know, Kitty, it's not too ate to get to know Celia and try to be friends." "Don't know. 'm not ready." "Why don't you get in, we' go for a spin, think about it." " In this?" " Oh, yeah, come on." "Hop in." "It is rather sporty." "Sporty?" "No." "Jogging bras are sporty, Kitty Montgomery." "This is a Ferrari." "Dharma." "Excuse me, señor?" "Let me explain." "Oh, why did I take French?" " Can anybody here help me translate?" " I can." "What would you like to say?" "Would you please tell this man that...?" "Yes?" "That although he thinks I walked in his garden and picked his flower that in truth I did not." "He wants to know then why you boast of picking the flower?" "Because when men tell tales of their youth they will claim to have picked flowers that they never even smelled..." "Saw." "Say saw." "Are you saying you have never been to the garden?" "Because then you are a liar." "No, no, no, I was there." "T's just that in my enthusiasm for the beauty of the garden." "L..." "I finished my visit before I even opened the gate." " What?" " No, I got that." "Okay." "How's this?" "Here's the fower, and here's me..." "Hey, how'd it go?" "Great." "I learned the Spanish word for whoops is whoops." " Dharma." " Hi." "'M so gad you're here to share this day with me." " Me too." " Having all my friends here makes it so special." "Good evening, Mrs. Montgomery." "Celia, Kitty has something she would like to say to you." "Yes." "Well..." "What she wants you to know is that she really cares about you." "And she wants you two to have a closer relationship." "She wants to be buds." "What did you really want to say?" "Celia, whenever we are not home and you have a day off feel free to use the pool." "Thank you, Mrs. Montgomery." "No guests and don't run the heater." " Of course, Mrs. Montgomery." " And..." "And thank you for letting me share this special day." "Flowers." "See you Monday, Mrs. Montgomery." "Bye, Celia." "Hugged my maid." "That's great." "You shoud do it every time she vacuums." " Come on." " Where are we going?" "Let's get to Nevada and back before they toss the bouquet." " May I drive?" " No." "'M sure she just parked it somewhere safe that's far away." "'M sure of that." "You're a Sagittarius, aren't you?" "Dear Lord, this is better than sex." "Oh, this isn't sex." "This is forepay." "This is sex."