"Hi, diary." "So, this Friday is Valentine's day." "Obviously, that's a day that's been great for me in the past." "♪ It's the beauty in your smile♪ ♪ You're the split in my banana ♪" "♪ I got to tell you, you're my gal♪ ♪ Please be my girlfriend, Hannah ♪" "Oh." "Wait." "I'm not Hannah." "Mine!" "But... pfft... this year, seeing as I now have a gorgeous boyfriend, hopefully Valentine's day is a lot less crappy." "Well, it's true what they say." "There are definitely things that you will only ever see in New York." "Like, for instance, did you see that pot-bellied pig as we came into the building this morning?" "Richard, that was a rat." "I shouldn't live here." "Hey!" "Happy Valentine's Day!" "Oh, James!" "You shouldn't have." "That's so kind." "Aww." "Sorry, buddy." "Maybe next time." " They're so beautiful." " Good!" "So, do you guys have big plans this evening?" "James has arranged for us to have dinner at his new restaurant tonight." "Yeah, I actually got the chef's table." " It's in the kitchen." " Nice." "There's literally no spot in the restaurant closer to the food." "It... it's, like, right there." "It's like do-do-do-do-do-do." "What?" "Huh?" "Oh, ah." "Open your mouth!" "Ooh, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "In your mouth!" "Aah." "Sounds charming." "Anyway, you know, I..." "Yeah." "I got to go, actually." "It's a big night at the restaurant... a lot of fish to debone." "He's the king of boning." " And deboning." "I can do 'em both!" " Yeah." "I got to go." "Okay." " See you later, Richard!" " Cheers, Jimmy." "Yeah." "Don't debone anything I wouldn't." "So, things are going really well for you two." "Yeah, they are." "We're doing so many couple things." "The other day, we went and bought exercise equipment, brought it home, and then went, "hmm, we don't really need to."" "You know, I really have you to thank for all of this, Richard." "I-I never would have met James if it wasn't for you." "It's funny how things all worked out, isn't it?" "Uh, okay, so, I think I'm gonna do a victory lap around the office with these." "I don't mean to brag, but my first boyfriend was imaginary," " so this is a justifiable celebration." " Yeah, okay." "Great." " Yeah, do want to come?" " Uh, no, thank you." "I need to delete some Facebook photos of myself and what I thought was pot-bellied pig." "Nice flowers." "Yeah, I know." "Kendall..." " Look what I got." " Wow, flowers." "So, has that merger deal been signed by avenitt yet?" "No, but they will sign." "It's an excellent deal we put together." "You know what, Kimmie?" "It shocks me to say this, but working with you isn't nearly as soul-draining as I expected." "♪ Kimmie and Kendall, ♪ ♪ We're such a good team ♪" "♪ We do the merger Like, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪" "♪ Lawyers ♪" "Wow, you got flowers, too." "Who are they from?" " I have no idea." " Oh, I get it." "You ordered them for yourself online and put the sender name as "Jonathan Taylor Thomas."" " Been there." " No, somebody sent them." "I just don't care who it was." "I don't need a man." "I like being single." "I'm concentrating solely on my career now, and the partners are noticing." "In terms of this promotion, I am a Jimmy "choo-in."" "So, I was wondering whether I could share with you my Valentine's surprise for James." "I just..." "I want to know if it's sexy enough." "I don't want to hear it, but I do need a joke story to tell my doorman." "I have such trouble relating to people in the service industry." "Go ahead." "Okay." "So, James has arranged dinner... unh!" "But after that, I thought I'd take him back to my place..." "And do a little sexy performance." "♪ In sleep he sang to me ♪" "♪ In dreams he came ♪" "♪ That voice which calls to me ♪" "♪ And speaks my name ♪" "♪ And do I dream again?" "♪" "♪ For now I find ♪" "♪ The phantom of the opera is there ♪" "♪ Inside my mind ♪" " * Mind... *" " Oh, my God!" "Stop!" "You need some serious help." "We're going out." "Really?" "I knew I should have done "les Miz." I just didn't want to cut my hair." "Kendall, what am I supposed to do with this?" "I don't need my butt flossed." "Kimmie, just buy it." "Now, what's happening with the gruesome twosome?" "You mean the Leonardo D-cup-rios?" "James likes them just the way they are." "No, I mean your roommates." "Where are they gonna be?" "Oh, I got that all figured out." "I bought this 2,000-piece cat puzzle." "It should keep them occupied for hours." "Kimmie, stop trying to solve all of your problems with cat puzzles." "Well, Kendall, they live at the apartment." "I can't just kick them out." "God." "I can't believe I'm doing this." "I'm having some single ladies around to my place for a party tonight." "Invite your friends." "That way, you can be alone with James." "That would be purr-fect." "You know what?" "I actually think this party is exactly what those two need." "They could use a little female empowerment." "Hmm." "Oh, and, Kimmie, do you mind if I give you a piece of advice?" "I think I know what you're gonna say... shave." "Well... yes." "But, also, this is your first Valentine's Day, so don't get carried away." "The worst thing that you can possibly do is get all caught up in the moment and say something stupid, like, "I love you, Jake Gyllenhaal."" "Trust me." "You'll regret it." "You know what they should sell here is unicorn onesies." "They literally make you horny." "We'll take everything." "Oh, man!" "I am so pumped for this party!" "Hey, remember when we were 14 and we went to that party at Denise's house" " and her parents told her she was adopted?" " Yeah." "She should have known, though, since both her parents were men." "I'm surprised you and Benji don't have any plans for tonight." "I thought you might have some romantic nerd stuff cooked up, like, uh, sniffing books or reducing fractions." "No, he's still allergic to me." "He has an appointment with his allergist on Monday." "But until then, we have to keep our distance." "Hmm." "Well, what about you, Marika?" "Anybody on the horizon?" "So, Valentine's Day." "Got any plans?" "Me?" "Oh, I'm going to this chick Kendall's house." " How about you?" " Um, I'm gonna go to this bar, the iron skirt, with some girlfriends." "You should come by." "I'd love to see you there." "Nope." "No." "Nobody on the love sonar as of present." "Kimmie, what are you still doing here?" "I thought you were having dinner with James." "He's not under your desk, is he?" "No, um, I was just looking over these contracts before we sent them out, and then I noticed that the trademark is about to lapse." "Snarling Hannah was supposed to take care of this." " Yeah, I've been saying this for months." " Yeah." "You know, snarling Hannah is only good at one thing, and that is snarling." "You know, unless you're doing an Elvis impersonation, that skill is completely useless." "It doesn't matter whose fault it was." "I now have to fix it." " Can I do anything to help?" " No, my client." "It's my responsibility." "I just hope this doesn't make me late for dinner, and James hates me, brashly decides to go off to war and then gets lost in a jungle, is befriended by a whole pride of lions," "and eventually loses the ability to speak in English." "And by the time I track him down with the help of my pygmy guide, all he can say is..." "But... that's not gonna happen, is it?" " Okay, well, good luck." " Yeah." "It's gonna be okay." "Please let it be okay." "Hello, ladies!" "Welcome." "Hi." "Whoa!" "Nice place!" " Smells like style." " And tiny tuna-apple melts." "Ladies, let's start." "Everybody take a seat!" "This is gonna be so much fun." "Hi." "Hello." "Welcome." "I'm hilary from covert enchantments, and I am your host this evening on learning how to play our most important instrument." "Anybody know what it is?" "I'm gonna answer for you." "It's ourselves." "Great!" "Let's get this symphony started." "Okay, let's kick things off by introducing you..." "To the big boys." "What is going on?" "Uh, I think we're at a tupperware party, except our vaginas are the kitchen cabinets." "Up next, check this out, ladies." "You're gonna love this." "It's a hoot." "I'm gonna introduce you to a very distinguished gentleman." "Prepare yourselves to meet..." "Big Ben." "Wow, you know, I..." "Didn't realize that big Ben glows in the dark." "Kendall, it's Kimmie." "Why aren't you answering your phone?" "Okay, look, remember when I said we should have an emergency code word and you said that was a stupid idea but then I said, "we should probably have one anyway"?" "Well, I just have one word for you right now..." ""Crumpet." I repeat, "crumpet."" "This is not a drill." "Call off the crumpet, Kimmie." "How do you know about crumpet?" "Well, because immediately after you came up with crumpet, you told me about crumpet." "So, yeah, anyway, listen." "I was halfway home." "And I thought to myself, "why should Kimmie"" ""and James miss out Valentine's day?" ""I don't have any plans for this evening," except for maybe analyzing my hairline and comparing it to a picture of me from three months ago."" "So, listen." "I've got this." "I want you to go." "But you-you really don't have to do this." "I know I don't have to, but I want you to go." "Go and enjoy Valentine's day that's an order." "Ooh." "Okay." "Richard, thank you." " You're like a real-life cupid." " You're welcome." " Nice outfit, by the way." " Oh, thank you." "Low cut, high cut, price cut!" "Now, when you do find that Mr. right," "I find these scented candles to really help set the mood for an evening of romance." "And if you're kinkier, you can use the hot wax on your partner." "Ugh, gross." "If I wanted to feel the burn, I'd just try and bench 250." "And Benji's allergic to wax..." "And honey and pollen..." "and flowers, milk, wheat..." "Basically anything associated with the human experience." "You know, it's amazing he can survive outside of a plastic bubble." "Okay, ladies." "Time's up." "How are we doing on those penis pictures?" "Mine looks more like a thumb." "Mine kind of looks like a clam." "Okay, mine is a cat penis." "I'm sorry." "Is that wrong?" "It's..." "it's just I've seen more of those." "No, any penis is accepted, and yours actually is..." " The best one." " Yes!" "What?" "!" "No!" "What about mine?" "I'm pretty sure that's not a penis." "Yeah." "That's what I said when I saw it." "The winner..." " Is Helen-Alice!" " Oh, really?" "!" "I get a prize?" "It's true what they say... you can never go wrong with putting gel pens and glitter glue in your purse." "I hope you get to use these someday... on a human." "Ohh, yeah." "Maybe I will, if I ever have to arrest anyone, but in a very delicate fashion." "Hey, H.A., is all this sexy-time stuff too much for you?" " 'Cause we can bolt." " No, you know, Marika, when I first saw those intimidating phalluses," "I thought, "yeah, I want to leave."" "But this sexy stuff is really very interesting." "I learned that if you put enough glitter on it, anything can be beautiful." "I'm sorry." " I'm here!" "I'm here!" " Oh!" "Hey!" "Happy Valentine's day!" "You look gorgeous!" "Sorry I'm late." "No, no, no." "It's fine." "I'm just glad you're finally here." "The busboys were starting to think I made you up." "Hey, Julio!" "She's real!" "Real." "Real." "Oh, this is our head chef, Augusto." "Hello, beauty." "So nice to meet you." "And for a starter, we have the persimmon salad." "But, now, please excuse me." "Tonight we are so busy," "I'm getting rammed from every orifice, huh?" "Oh." "All right." "Um, oh, you want some bread?" " Oh, yeah." "Please." " Yeah." "Oh, look." "You have cute, little dipping sauces." "I do." "Dip!" "Dip!" "♪ Dip-dip-dip, dip-dip-d-dip-d-dip ♪" "♪ Dip-dip-dip, dip-dip-d-dip ♪" "You call this amuse-bouche?" "!" "My bouche is not amused!" "I'm sorry it's so loud back here." "I didn't even think of that." "It's great." "I love being amongst all the action." "Yeah, I know." "It's like my new office." "You know, actually, they say it's haunted." "Yeah, by, like, lobster ghosts... and a few crabs." "Hmm." "Crabs..." "I've heard they can haunt you." "Oh, no!" "That is not how you déglacer, huh?" "!" "That is de-garbage!" "Oh, lord!" "We need chicken!" "James!" " Can you give me just a second?" " Yeah." "I'm... sorry." ""Hope you're having fun."" ""I just tried cooling lubricant on my hand!" "It was cold!"" "Uh, Kimmie?" "Aw, shoot." "There's no easy way to say this." "Um, Augusto needs me to work." "It's just for like an hour or so until the dinner rush is over." "That's okay." "Uh, I probably don't want to have a full stomach if, later, I'm gonna ride the love roller coaster." "Cool!" "Well, you must be this hot to ride!" "Um, you know what?" "Oh, I have some stuff that I need to set up, so why don't you meet me at my place when you're done?" " It should time out perfectly." " Kimmie, you are the greatest." "Uh, you are." "Let..." "let me give you at least a kiss real quick." "All right." "Mwah." "I love you." "Darn it." "James!" "I've got to..." "Sorry." "Uh, yeah." "Kendall, dear, can I set up the purchase room in your bedroom?" "Yes." "Yes." "Go." "Don't touch my trophies!" "Okay, ladies, let's keep the party going!" "What's next?" " Let's play "never have I ever."" " Oh, yeah." "Okay." "So, somebody's gonna say something, and if you've done it, raise your hand." "Screw raising your hand." "Take a drink." "Okay, that sounds fun." "Um..." "Never have I ever..." "Wished for video stores to come back as a thing." "Ugh, guilty!" "Little-known fact about me..." "I love the smell of vhs tapes." " No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" " That one was for you." " It has to be sex-related!" " Yeah." "Oh." "Okay, um..." "Never have I ever... had sex." "Oh." "Okay." " Is she... she's for real?" " I told you." "Okay, I'll go." "Never have I ever kissed a girl." "Ooh!" "I can do this one." "Yay." "Oh, come on!" "As if you have never kissed a girl!" " Uh, I haven't." "H.A., when did you?" " Ages ago." "My cousin at Christmas." "My other cousin dared us for $50 each." "It was primarily a financial decision." "Okay." "Oh, James, good evening." "Tonight for dessert, we shall have..." "Kim Boubier." "Yes." "James, hey!" "Where are you?" "I am so sorry." "We're completely slammed, and I don't think I can make it back." " At all?" " I don't know." "I mean, it's gonna be a few hours at least." " Pork loins up on 12." " Uh, can I do anything?" "What if I called in a bombe-glacé threat?" "James!" "Chicken, huh?" "The poulet." "Yeah, okay." " Honey, I got to go!" "I got to go!" " Vite, vite!" "Yeah." "Kendall was right." " Hey." " Hey." "What are you doing back here?" "Oh, um, things didn't go as planned, and I..." "I didn't want to sit at home with all the decorations up." "When you're all alone, cupid kind of looks like a creepy dude in a diaper." "So, you didn't go to dinner?" "Oh, I, uh..." "I don't... really want to talk about it." "I just..." "Came to see what was happening here." "Okay, sure." "Um..." "Right." "Well, I think that we're going to be okay." "I mean, the trademark extension date goes work fine anyway for..." "Kimmie, what I'm saying is incredibly boring, but, uh, it shouldn't bring you to tears." " Are you going to be okay?" " Hmm." "Yeah." "Look, um, right." "Why don't you sit down?" "I'm going to make a copy of these, and then, uh, we'll go over it together, okay?" "Sure?" "Okay." "Helen-Alice sure has been up there awhile." "For a small girl, she's buying up big." "You know, I can't believe that you have never kissed a girl." "A sporty girl like you?" "Uh, I don't really know what sport you'd be referring to." "It's not like I lettered in tonsil hockey." "Oh, come on." "You can tell aunty Kendall." "Uh, nothing to tell." "Uh, I never have, never wanted to." "I was just, uh, too busy fighting off dudes, I guess." "You know, um, when I was a little girl, my mother always said that I was gonna grow up and meet a man and get married and live in a big house and have lots of babies." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Ugh." "Yeah, every time I say that, I just throw up a little bit in the back of my mouth." "The point is, I never wanted that." "That is not who I am." "What I want is a life and a career and, hopefully, fingers crossed the financing comes through, my own helicopter." "And I don't feel bad about wanting that because I'm not ashamed of who I really am..." "And you shouldn't be, either." "I don't think I really know what you're getting at." "Well, how do you know you don't want to kiss a girl if you've never tried it?" " I don't think that matters." " Oh, for God's sakes!" "It's not that big of a deal!" "Here." "See?" "Now, what did that feel like?" "Nothing." "Fireworks." "This is for you." "I didn't want you to have a horrible Valentine's, so I went out and got it for you." "There wasn't much selection at the bodega across the street." "It was either this or a frozen pizza." "I just wish something in my life would go right today." "Maybe I should have got the frozen pizza." "Oh." "Richard?" "What are you... doing?" " Sorry, um..." " That's not what I meant!" " No, I..." " Why would you even try that with someone you're just friends with?" "I can't believe you just tried to do that!" "Kimmie, I..." " Hey." "Hey." " Marika!" "You came!" "Wow!" "What was that for?" "It's for the last 28 years of my life." " Let's get that drink." " Yeah." "Kimmie!" "Look, Kimmie." "I'm sorry about earlier." " I didn't mean to..." " It's okay." "Yeah, I know." "You didn't mean it." "You just got caught up in the spirit of Valentine's day." "It's okay." "I..." "I know the feeling." "No, I did mean it." "I just didn't mean for the timing to be so wrong." "Look, I-I know you're with James now and I know this makes no sense and the last thing I want to do is mess up your life, but I just need to let you know how I feel before it's too late." "Richard, what are you saying?" "I-I'm saying that..." "Come here, Boubier." "Oh, um..." "Sorry." "Sorry." "Well, uh, I'll just... wait, uh... ____" "Is everything okay, Kimmie?" "♪ Sing once again with me ♪ ♪ Our strange duet ♪" "♪ My power over you ♪ Grows stronger yet ♪" "♪ You'll give your love to me ♪" "♪ For love is blind ♪" "♪ The phantom ♪ ♪ Of the opera is now ♪" " * My mastermind * * You mastermind *"