"It's..." "Monty Python's Flying Circus." "Well, where is he?" "Well, what is it, dear?" "It's from the BBC." "They want to know if I want to be in a sketch on telly." "Ooh, that's nice." "Why, it's acting, isn't it?" "Yes." "Well, I'm a plumber." "I can't act." "Oh, you never know till you try." "Look at mrs." "Brando's son next door." "He was mending the fridge when they came- and asked him to be the wild one." "What do they want you to do?" "Well, they just want me to stand at a counter- and when the sketch starts, I'll go out." "Oh, that sounds nice." "That's what they call a walk-on." "Walk-on?" "That's a walk-off, that's what this is." "Where is he, Georgie?" "He should have been here hours ago." "He bloody should have been." "What else did it say?" "It just says" ""We would like you to be in a sketch." "You are standing at a counter." "When the sketch starts, you go off." "Yours faithfully, lord Hill."" "Oh, well, you better be off, then." "Well, what about the cat?" "Oh, I'll look after the cat." "Goodness me, mrs." "Newman's oldest" "Never worried about the cat" "When he went off to do the sweet bird of youth." "All right, then, all right." "Bye-bye, dear." "Bye-bye, and mind you, don't get seduced." "It'll make a change from plumbing." "Dad, Frank's got a television part." "You missed him." "Good morning." "I'm a bank robber." "Please don't panic." "Just hand over all your money." "This is a lingerie shop, sir." "Fine, fine." "Fine." "Adopt, adapt and improve." "Motto of the round table." "Well..." "What have you got?" "We've got corsets, stockings, suspender belts, tights, bras, slips, petticoats, knickers, socks and garters, sir." "Fine, fine." "Fine, fine." "No large piles of money in safes?" "No, sir." "No deposit accounts?" "No, sir." "No piles of cash in easy-to-carry bags?" "None at all, sir." "No luncheon vouchers?" "No, sir." "Fine, fine." "Well..." "Adopt, adapt and improve." "Just a pair of knickers then, please." "Well, that was a bit of fun, wasn't it?" "And a special good evening to you." "Not just an ordinary good evening, like you get from all the other announcers, but a special good evening from me..." "To you." "Well, what have we got next?" "This is fun, isn't it?" "Look, I'm sorry if I'm interrupting anything, that any of you may be doing at home, but I want you to think of me as an old queen..." "Friend." "Well, let's see what we've got next." "In a few moments, it's a tree- and in the chair as usual is Arthur Tree- and starring in the show- will be a host of star guests as his star guests." "And then at 9:30, we've got another rollicking half hour- of laughter-packed squalor, with yes, it's the sewage farm attendants." "And this week, Dan falls into a vat of human dung, with hilarious consequences." "But now it's the glittering world of show business, with Arthur Tree." "Hello, hello, people, and welcome to it's a tree." "We have some really exciting guests for you this evening" "A fabulous spruce back from a tour of Holland;" "three gum trees" "Making their first appearance in this country;" "Scots pine and the conifers;" "and elm tree bole" "There you go, can't be bad" "An exciting new American plank;" "A rain forest and a bucket of sawdust" "Giving their views on teenage violence;" "And an unusual guest for this program" "A piece of laminated plastic." "Hi there." "But first, will you please, please welcome" "A block of wood." "Well, block, nice to have you on the show again." "Well, thanks, tree." "I got to pay the rent." "Super." "Well, what have you been doing, block?" "Well, I've just been starring- in several major multimillion- dollar international films- and during breaks on the set, I've been designing a cathedral, doing wonderful unpublicized work for charity." "Finishing my history of the world, of course, pulling the birds..." "Photographing royalty on the loo, averting World War III-- can't be bad-- and..." "Learning to read." "The full renaissance bit, really." "Super, super." "Well, I've got to stop you there, block, I'm afraid, because we've got someone- who's been doing cabaret in the new forest." "From America, will you welcome, please, a Chippendale writing desk." "Thank you, mr." "Tree." "I'd now like to do a few impersonations- of some of my favorite Englishmen." "First off, Long John Sliver." "Arg, Jim Boy, arg, arg." "And now, Edward Heath." "Hello, sailor." "Now, a short scene from a play by Harold Splinter." "Wasn't that just great, ladies and gentlemen?" "But wait a minute." "We've got something else I just know you're going to love." "Yes, sir, coming right up" "The vocational guidance counselor sketch." "Vocational guidance counselor" "Vocational guidance counselor" "Vocational guidance counselor" "Ah, mr." "Anchovy." "Do sit down." "Thank you." "Take the weight off the feet?" "Yes, yes." "Lovely weather" "For the time of year, I must say." "Enough of this gay banter." "And now, mr." "Anchovy, you asked us to advise you- which job in life you were best suited for." "That is correct, yes." "Well, I now have the results here of the interviews- and the aptitude tests that you took last week- and from them, we've built up a pretty clear picture- of the sort of person that you are" "and I think I can say, without fear of contradiction, that the ideal job for you is chartered accountancy." "But I am a chartered accountant." "Jolly good." "Well, back to the office with you, then." "No, no, no, you don't understand." "I've been a chartered accountant for the last 20 years." "I want a new job-- something exciting that will let me live." "Well, chartered accountancy's rather exciting, isn't it?" "Exciting?" "!" "No, it's not!" "It's dull, dull, dull." "My god, it's dull." "It's so desperately dull and tedious- and stuffy and boring and desperately dull." "Well, yes, mr." "Anchovy" "But you see, your report here says- that you are an extremely dull person." "You see, our experts describe you- as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humor, tedious company, and irrepressibly drab and awful." "And whereas in most professions, these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy, they're a positive boon." "But you see, I came here to find a new job, a new life, a new meaning to my existence." "Can't you help me?" "Well, do you have any idea- of what you want to do?" "Yes, yes, I have." "What?" "Lion taming." "Yes, yes, of course, it's a bit of a jump, isn't it?" "I mean, chartered accountancy to lion taming in one go." "You don't think it might be better- if you worked your way towards lion taming, say, via banking or..." "No!" "no, no, no, no, no!" "I don't want to wait." "At 9:00 tomorrow" "I want to be in there taming." "Fine, fine, but do you..." "Do you have any qualifications?" "Yes, I've got a hat." "A hat?" "Yes, a hat, a lion taming hat." "A hat with "lion tamer" on it." "I got it at Harrods." "And it lights up, saying "lion tamer"" "In great, big neon letters, so you can tame them after dark when they're less stroppy." "I see, I see." "And you can claim reasonable wear and tear" "Switch it off during the daytime" "As allowable professional expenses..." "Yes, yes, yes" "I do follow the strategy, but you see, the snag is- if I now call mr." "Chipperfield and say to him:" ""Look here, I've got- a 45-year-old chartered accountant with me, who wants to become a lion tamer", his first question is not going to be" ""Does he have his own hat?"" "He's going to ask- what sort of experience you've had with lions." "Well, I've seen them at the zoo." "Good, good, good." "Yes, they're brown, furry things, with short, stumpy legs and great, long noses." "I don't know what all the fuss is about." "I could tame one of those." "They look pretty tame to start with." "And these, these lions, how high are they?" "Well, they're about so high, you know." "They don't frighten me at all." "Really?" "And do these lions eat ants?" "Yes, that's right." "Well, mr." "Anchovy" "I'm afraid what you've got hold of there is an anteater." "A what?" "An anteater, not a lion." "You see, a lion is a huge, savage beast, about five feet high, ten feet long, weighing about 400 pounds, running 40 miles an hour with masses of sharp, pointed teeth- and nasty, long, razor-sharp claws," "that could rip your belly open- before you could say "Eric Robinson."" "And they look like this." "Time enough, I think, for a piece of wood." "The larch." "Now, shall I call mr." "Chipperfield?" "Uh, no, no, no, no." "I think your idea- of making the transition to lion taming, via easy stages, say, via insurance or..." "Banking." "Or banking, banking, yes, banking." "That's a man's life, isn't it?" "Banking-- travel, excitement, adventure, thrills, decisions affecting people's lives." "Jolly good." "Shall I put you- in touch with the bank?" "Yes..." "No, no, no." "Look, it's a big decision." "I'd like just a couple of weeks- to think about it, you know?" "Don't want to jump into it too quickly." "Maybe three weeks." "I could let you know definitely then." "Well, this is just one of the all-too-many cases- on our books of chartered accountancy." "The only way that we can fight- this terrible, debilitating social disease, is by informing the general public of its consequences, by showing young people..." "Perhaps I could do it, just for a bit..." "That it's just not worth it." "So please, give generously to this address:" "Well, that was fun, wasn't it?" "No, it wasn't, you fairy." "Oh, hello, sailor." "Here, you wouldn't have got on one of our voyages." "They were all dead butch." "That's not what I've heard." "There is an epic quality about the sea, which has throughout history, stirred the hearts and minds of Englishmen of all nations." "Sir Francis Drake, captain Webb, Nelson of Trafalgar- and Scott of the Antarctic, all rose to the challenge of the mighty ocean." "And today, another Englishman may add his name- to the golden roll of history:" "mr." "Ron Obvious of Neaps End." "For today, Ron Obvious hopes to be the first man- to jump the channel." "Ron, now, let's just get this quite clear" "You're intending to jump across the English Channel." "Oh, yes, that is correct, yes." "And just how far is that?" "Oh, well, it's 26 miles from here to Calais." "That's to the beach at Calais?" "Well, no, no, provided I get a good lift-off- and maybe a gust of breeze over the French coast," "I shall be jumping into the center of Calais itself." "Are you using any special techniques- to jump this great distance?" "Oh, no, no." "I shall be using- an ordinary two-footed jump, straight up in the air- and across the channel." "I see." "Ron, what is the furthest distance- that you've jumped so far?" "Oh, 11 foot, six inches at Motspur Park on July 22." "But I have done nearly 12 feet unofficially." "I see..." "Ron, Ron, aren't you worried," "Ron, aren't you worried jumping 26 miles across the sea?" "Oh, no, no, no." "It is, in fact, easier- to jump over sea than over dry land." "Well, how is that?" "Well, my manager explained it to me." "You see, if you're five miles out- over the English Channel, with nothing but sea underneath you, there is a very great impetus- to stay in the air." "I see, well, thank you very much, Ron- and the very best of luck." "Thank you, thank you." "The man behind Ron's cross-channel jump" "Is his manager, mr." "Luigi Vercotti." "Mr. Vercotti... mr." "Vercotti." "Mr. Vercotti." "What?" "Mr. Vercotti..." "I don't know what you're talking about." "No, we're from the BBC, mr." "Vercotti." "Who?" "The BBC." "Oh, oh, I see." "I thought..." "I thought you were the..." "I like the police a lot." "I've got lots of time for them." "Well, mr." "Vercotti" "What is your chief task as Ron's manager?" "Well, my main task- is to fix a sponsor for the big jump." "And who is the sponsor?" "The Chippenham Brick Company." "They pay all the bills, in return for which" "Ron will be carrying half a hundredweight of their bricks." "I see." "Well, it looks as if Ron is ready now." "He's got the bricks." "He's had his passport checked and he's all set to go." "And he's off on the first-ever cross-channel jump." "Will Ron be trying the cross-channel jump again soon?" "No, no, I'm taking him off the jumps, because I've got something lined up for Ron next week, that I think is very much more up his street." "What's that?" "Ron is going to eat Chichester Cathedral." "Well, there he goes, Ron obvious of Neaps End, in an attempt which could make him- the first man ever to eat an entire anglican cathedral." "Well, I think, David, this is something- which Ron and i are really keen on." "Ron is going to tunnel- from Godalming here to Java here." "Java." "Yeah, I personally think this is going to make Ron- a household name overnight." "And how far has he got?" "Well, he's quite far now, Dave," "Well on the way." "Well on the way, yeah." "Well, where is he, exactly?" "Yeah." "Where?" "Oh, well, you know, it's difficult to say, exactly." "He's, you know, in the area- of..." "Ron, how far have you got?" "Oh, about two foot, six, mr." "Vercotti." "Yeah, well, keep digging, lad, keep digging." "Mr. Vercotti, are you sure there isn't a spade?" "Mr. Vercotti, what do you say to people- who accuse you of exploiting Ron- for your own purposes?" "Well, that's totally untrue, David." "Ever since I left Sicily," "I've been trying to do the best for Ron." "I know what Ron wants to do," "I believe in him- and I'm just trying to create- the opportunities for Ron, to do the kind of things he wants to do." "And what's he going to do today?" "He's going to split a railway carriage- with his nose." "The only difficult bit for Ron- is getting out of earth's atmosphere." "Once he's in orbit, he'll be able to run straight to Mercury." "I am now extremely hopeful- that Ron will break the world record- for remaining underground." "He's a wonderful boy, this, and he's got this really enormous talent, this really huge talent." "That's a bit sad, isn't it?" "Shh, it's satire." "No, it isn't, it's just zany madcap humor." "Oh, is it?" "Good morning, I'd like to buy a cat." "Certainly, sir." "Got a lovely terrier." "No, I want a cat, really." "Oh, yeah." "How about that?" "Well, that's the terrier." "Well, it's as near as dammit." "Well, what do you mean?" " I want a cat." "Listen, tell you what." "I'll file his legs down a bit, take his snout off, stick a few wires through his cheeks" "There you are, lovely pussycat." "It's not a proper cat." "What do you mean?" "He wouldn't meow." "Well, it would howl a bit." "No, no, no, no." "Have you got a parrot?" "I'm afraid not, actually, guv, we're fresh out of parrots." "Tell you what, though, I'll lop its back legs off, make good, strip the fur, stick a couple of wings on- and staple on a beak of your own choice." "No problem, lovely parrot." "How long would that take?" "Oh, let me see" "Stripping the fur off, no legs..." "Harry?" "Yeah." "Can you do a parrot job on this..." "Can you do a parrot job on this terrier straight away?" "No, I'm still putting a tuck in the Airedale- and then I've got the frogs to let out." "Friday?" "No, I need it for tomorrow;" "it's a present." "Oh, dear, it's a long job, you see, parrot conversion." "Tell you what, though, for free." "Terriers make lovely fish." "I mean, I would do that for you straight away." "Legs off, fins on, stick a little pipe- through the back of its neck- so he can breathe, a bit of gold paint." "Make good." "You'd need a very big tank." "It's a great conversation piece." "Yeah, all right, all right." "But... only if I can watch." "Oh, I thought that was a bit predictable." "It's been done before." "Yeah, we did it for Caesar's christmas show." "No, you didn't." "You did Jack and the beanstalk." "Here, what was that picture?" "Shh... next." "Good morning..." "mr." "Phipps?" "That's right, yes." "Do take a seat." "Right, sir." "Now, could you tell us, roughly, why you want to become a librarian?" "Well, I've had a certain amount of experience- running a library at school." "Yes, yes, what sort of experience?" "Well, for a time I ran the upper science library." "Yes, yes." "Now, mr." "Phipps, of course you do realize- that the post of librarian carries with it- certain very important responsibilities." "I mean, there's the selection of books, the record library and the art gallery." "Now, it seems to me that your greatest disadvantage is- your lack of professional experience, coupled with the fact that being a gorilla- you would tend to frighten people." "Is he a gorilla?" "Yes, he is." "Why doesn't it say on his form- that he's a gorilla?" "Well, you see, applicants are not required to fill in their species." "What was that picture?" "Mr. Phipps, what is your attitude- towards censorship in the public library?" "How do you mean, sir?" "Well, I mean for instance, would you stock "Last Exit to Brooklyn" or "Groupie"?" "Yes, I think so." "Good." "Yes, well, that seems to be very sensible, mr." "Phipps." "I can't pretend that this library- hasn't had its difficulties." "Mr. Robertson-- your predecessor" "An excellent librarian, savaged three people last week- and had to be destroyed." "I'm sorry, sir." "Oh, no, don't be sorry." "You see, I don't believe- that libraries should be drab places, where people sit in silence- and that's been the main reason- for our policy of employing- wild animals as librarians." "And also they're much more permissive." "Pumas keep Hank Janson on open shelves." "Yes, mr." "Phipps." "Mr. Phipps, I love seeing the customers- when they come in to complain- about some book being damaged- and ask to see the chief librarian- and then you should see their faces, when the proud beast leaps from his tiny office," "snatches the book from their hands and sinks his fangs- into their soft..." "Mr. Phipps-- Kong" "You can be our next librarian." "You're proud, majestic and fierce enough." "Will you do it?" "I don't think I can, sir." "Why not?" "I'm not really a gorilla." "I'm a librarian in a skin." "Why this deception?" "Well, they said it would be- the best way to get a job." "Get out, mr. librarian Phipps, seeing as you're not a gorilla, but only dressed up as one," "Trying to deceive us in order to further your career!" "Next?" "Ah, mr." "Pattinson, sit!" ""Dear mirror view," "I would like to be paid five Guineas- for saying something stupid about a television show." "Yours sincerely, mrs." "Sybil Agro."" ""Dear David Jacobs, East Grinstead, Friday." "Why should I have to pay 64 Guineas each year- for my television license when I can buy one for six?" "Yours, sincerely, captain R.H. Pretty." "P.S.-- support Rhodesia, cut motor taxes, save the Argylls, running-in please pass."" ""Dear old Codgers" "Some friends of mine and I have formed a consortium- and, working with sophisticated drilling equipment, we have discovered extensive nickel deposits- off western Scotland." "The Cincinnati Mining Company."" ""Good for you, ma'am!"" ""Dear old Codgers" "I am president of the United States of America." "Yours truly, R.M. Nixon."" ""Phew!" "Bet that's a job and a half, ma'am."" ""Dear sir, I am over 3,000 years old" "And would like to see any scene with two people in bed."" ""Bet that's a link, ma'am."" ""Bet that's a link, ma'am."" "Vera, vera, darling!" "Wake up, my little lemon." "Come to my arms." "Oh, Maurice, what are you doing here?" "I could not keep away from you." "I must have you all the time." "Oh, this is most inconvenient." "Don't talk to me about convenience." "Love consumes my naughty mind." "I'm delirious with desire." "What's that, Vera?" "Oh, nothing, dear, just a trick of the light." "Righto." "Phew, that was close!" "Now, then, my little banana, my little fruit salad." "I can wait for you no longer." "You must be mine, utterly." "Oh, Maurice." "Vera!" "How dare you!" "Roger!" "What's the meaning of this?" "Oh, I can explain everything, my darling." "Who's this?" "This is Maurice Zatapathique, Roger Thompson." "Roger Thompson, Maurice Zatapathique." "How do you do?" "How do you do?" "How could you do this to me, Vera, after all we've been through?" "Damn it, I love you." "Vera, don't you understand?" "It's me that loves you." "What's happening, Vera?" "Oh, nothing, dear." "Just a twig brushing against the window." "Righto!" "Come to me, Vera." "Oh, not now, Roger." "Vera, my little hedgehog, don't turn me away." "Oh, it cannot be, Maurice." "Hands off, you filthy bally froggie." "Oh, Ken, Ken Biggles!" "Yes, Algy is here as well." "Algy Braithwaite?" "That's right, Vera." "Oh, god, you know, we both still bally love you." "Oh, Biggles!" "Algy!" "Oh, but how wonderful!" "What's happening, Vera?" "Oh, nothing, dear, just the toilet filling up." "Righto!" "Excuse me, could you tell me- where is mrs." "Vera Jackson, please?" "Yes, right and right again." "Muchas gracias." "Righto!" "Oh, Vera" "Remember Acapulco in the springtime." "Oh, the Herman Rodrigues Four!" "Vera!" "I distinctly heard- a Mexican rhythm combo." "Oh, no, dear, it was just- the electric blanket switching off." "Oh... well, I'm going for a tinkle." "No, you can't do that." "Here, we haven't finished the sketch yet!" "Dash it all, there's only another bally page." "I say, there's no one to react to." "Don't talk to the camera." "Oh, sorry." "It's no good you coming in." "He's gone and left the sketch." "Yes, he went for a tinkle." "I think my wife is beginning- to suspect something." "I felt that ending was a bit predictable." "Yes, indeed, there was a certain lack of originality." "However, it's not necessarily a good thing just to be different." "No... quite, there is equal humor- in the conventional." "But on the other hand, is it what the public wants?" "I mean, with the new permissiveness, not to mention the balance of payments- and the undeniable fact that..." "I agree with that completely." "That's it, I'm getting out of this show- before it's too late." "Too late!"