"# ...universe #" "# We keep the galaxy from getting worse!" "#" "# Always jogging on the spot. #" "# We're the Space Force, an ace corps. #" "# We will fight to keep your planet free, # # you can see us fight the tyranny. #" "# We can help you out a lot, #" "# We're the Space Force... # # ...we're all you've got. #" "# We fly through the stars to the rescue in a hurry, # # ready to defend any Tom, Dick, or Merry. #" "# If yo asteroid is in distress, # # or your solar sys' is in a mess, # # or, when things don't look so hot: #" "# Call an ace corps, call the Space Force. #" "(You can even call collect!" ")" "# Call the Space Force, of course!" "# (Who?" ")" "Hear ye, hear ye." "This is the ship crier, and all is well." "Here's today's environmental program for Alliance Space Force Leo." "Rain simulation on deck 4, snow simulation in all recreation areas." "And, as requested by those fun lovers on deck 11:" "We are continuing the drought on deck 12." "Captain Stoner!" "Agent Berkowitz didn't make contact like he was supposed to." "Try raising him on the emergency frequency." "Well I can't!" "I have my girlfriend Clarice on the emergency frequency." " Your girlfriend?" " I'm glad you asked." "She's having a big dinner party for me, but the commuter credits are all on strike, and she couldn't go shopping..." "Private Flec, that frequency is for military emergencies, not personal ones." "Roger sir, as a rodge." "The computer channel's open." "Hello, dummies!" "No offense!" "Well, what do you want to know?" "Ask me a question and I tell you no lies." "DORC, compute last known location of agent Berkowitz." " That's easy..." "Ask me something hard!" " DORC!" "Alright, he last reported from the planet Algon, the Upper West Side." " Thank you." " That's all?" "I live to give answers!" "Come on, ask me another question." " Alright:" "Why do you insist on speaking in that stupid German accent?" "I was made in Germany, what should I talk like, an Eskimo?" "Next question." "We have no further questions at this point in time." "Wait a minute." "I do, Dorc." "What size Turkey for sixteen dinner guests?" "25 to 30 pounds." "So what kind of stuffing are you gonna use?" "Dorc!" "You're supposed to be used for military business, not cooking business!" "Why not?" "I'm a DORC-type computer, right?" "That stands for Digital, Omnifunctional, Rotisserie, and Computing." "When the ribs are done, just shove your bird in here, I'll cook it for you." " Who are those ribs for?" " The morale officer, colonel Sanders." " DORC..." " Don't try it, ...I'm warning you, I know karate." "Oh captain Stoner, commander Hinkley wants to see you." "Thank you private Flec." "Commander Hinkley said he did not want to be disturbed." "You just said he wanted to see me." "I know." "That's two orders he gave me." "I'm confused." "Use your brains." "Which order should you pay attention to?" "Do you think I can get DORC to help me on that one, sir?" " Flec, get out of my way." " Yes sir." "Wait!" "There's a piece of string on your uniform!" " There is?" " Can I have it for my collection?" " Are you still collecting string?" " Uhuh." "String." "Ice cream sticks." "Broken buttons, and shells." "But string's my favorite." "Flec, I think it's time for a visit to the ship psychiatrist." "Right." "I'll make an appointment for you." " Not me, you!" " Okay, we'll go together." " Flec!" " Attention:" "It is now officially evening." "We are putting all internal systems to night mode." "Corporal Milford?" "I'm innocent, I didn't mean to, I thought I..." "Oh, Eve, it's only you." "You could have been cap-captain Stoner." "I know he's going to ca-catch us this time." "Don't worry about him!" "What's with all this money?" "Oh, you don't wanna know." "It'll make you an acce-accessory." "Accessory?" "Don't be silly, come on, tell me." "O-okay..." "While you were away on leave, captain Woods organized a carnival to raise money for a chil- a Children's Hospital on planet Triton." "So?" " The so is, ...we're selling unauthorized military gear to civilians, and what's worse, we're selling unauth-unauthorized joyrides in our star-star correar." "You shouldn't have told me that Milford!" " Why not?" " It makes me an accessory!" "You know, this whole deal is making me very nervous." "That's why I get another hic-hic-hiccup-hiccup attack." "Oh, so that's what that noise is!" "I thought it was the sink backing up." " Sargeant Bailey..." " We're innocent!" "Oh, captain Woods, Zabar." "See?" "I told you old George here wouldn't forget our names." "I'm sure glad you're back, we can really use you in this deal we're running." "I thought you'd never ask." "Is this one really for a children's hospital?" "Yeah honest." "Cross my nose and hope to die." "The entire Galaxy has come." "This charity has touched their hearts." "And their wallets:" "We even got a very nice price for commander Hinkley's bathtub." "What?" "You took commander Hinkley's bathtub?" " He'll never miss it!" " Of course he'll miss it!" "He's got to miss it!" "The bathwater can go all over the floor!" "Milford, all things belong to all people." "The commander's bathtub belongs to the universe." "Wow that's gonna leave one heck of a ring!" "Captain Stoner's going to catch us." "Count me out of this deal, okay?" "Well Milford, if you want out, you're out." "Thanks." "Does that mean I don't get my cut?" "That's it Bobby, keep your greedy side up." "Okay everyone, let's get back to work, and nobody gets a cut." "What time is it anyway?" "Tme?" "Time for people to come together as brothers, time for planets to revolve as one, time for universal understanding." " It says all that on your watch?" " No my watch says 3:45." "You know lieutenant, sometimes your Brotherhood compulsion makes me want to smack you in the chapter." "I can't help it." "My people are born with Brotherhood in their chops." "Squad one scramble, squad one scramble." "UPI vessel for invading alliance perimeter." "All right let's go." "Hold it slow folks." "Wait a minute, captain Stoner, is this another one of your dumb drills?" "Exactly." "And it took this crew 18.4 seconds." "Should be ashamed of yourselves." "You're right, Stoner." "Crew!" "Look ashamed!" "A little more." "Too much." "Pick it up." "In between." "Stow the ashamed." "What a poor excuse for a military outfit." "This crew better shape up!" "Except for you, Bailey, you're in... pretty good shape as it is." "Captain, you have a way with words." "A sickening way, but a way nonetheless." "Stoner, who's the idiot who authorized this drill?" "Me." "I mean a clever way to catch you in the middle of one of your crooked deals, don't you think?" " Why don't you get off our backs?" " It's to be expected skipper." "Our squad is suffering this harassment from captain Stoner because I'm an alien." "Don't be so sensitive Zabar, that's not be only reason I'm harassing you." "I could care less if there's a geek in this squad." "Captain we don't use that word in the Space Force." "I am not offended captain." "Since the universe is as one, if I am a geek he is a geek." "Hey Stoner that makes you Zabar's geek-in-law." "It does not!" "Just because you pilot one of those glamorous little Starcraft you think you're better than me." "Don't be so sensitive Stoner." "That's not the only reason" "I think I'm better than you." "I have hundreds of reasons." "Is that so?" "One day I'll have the evidence to prove to commander Hinkley." "that you're not the sterling officer he thinks you are." "The computers indicate you been logging unscheduled starcraft flights, and I'm going to find out why." "I'm going to be watching this crew like a Venutian cathawk." "In that case we'd better lay in a supply of cat hawk litter." "Well he so suspicious now he's bound to find out about the carnival." "There's only one thing for us to do." " What?" " Start hiccupping." "Stoner!" "You know Barney Nicholson?" " Barney Nicholson!" "No commander Hinkley, I don't." " Well I went to the Academy with him and here's his picture in Stars And Stars, he just got a humanitarian award from some alien planet." "How come I don't get humanitarian awards?" "Look at him posing with these alien weirdoes." "Yugh!" "Good evening commander Hinkley." "Still no response from agent Berkowitz." "Commander Hinkley we may have an emergency on our hands." "Well I wouldn't call it an emergency that I didn't get an award, even though I deserve one more than this Nicholson creep." "Sir, the emergency concerns agent Berkowitz." "Is he getting an award too?" "No sir." "He failed to make contact." "Well then why is he gettting an award?" "He's NOT... sir." "See, he's missing, and we're trying to find out what happened to him." "Missing huh?" "That's probably why he failed to make contact." "Genie, do I have to think of everything around here?" "Oh no sir." "But sir I would like your authorization for a round-the-clock sensor surveillance of captain Woods and his crew." "They're up to something." " Do you have any evidence?" "No sir I need the sensor surveillance to get the evidence." "But I can't authorize a sensor surveillance, unless you have some evidence." " Then what should I do?" " Well, take a cold shower!" "That's what I've been doing ever since my bathtub disappeared." "Eve, you translocate." "Milford, when you get back down to the carnival get the next group ready to translocate up here." "Zabar, you go activate the Starcraft and keep an eye out for Stoner." "As for me I'll just stand here and give orders." "Go!" "Go ahead." " Captain Woods, this is Flec," "I gotta warn you about something." " What is it Arnold?" " Aha." " That's it." "Bye." "I give up, is it an essay question or multiple choice?" " Out with it." " Well we may as well fess up." "Eve, you fess first." " Alright." "The truth is, that me and captain Woodsiepie have a little thing going." "I'm surprised at you Bailey." "Fooling with a Woodsiepie when there's a captain Stoner on board." "Oh, I'm really flattered by your offer but I'm afraid what your type can do to a girl like me." "And what does my type do to you my dear?" "Gives me the willies." "Still playing hard to get eh Bailey?" " You read me like a book." "Captain Stoner to the bridge urgent." "Captain Stoner to the bridge urgent." "You two fish aren't off the hook!" "I'm gonna reel you in yet!" "Holy makrel!" "Hear ye, hear ye." "We have an environmental request." "Here's simulated full moon, light breezes, and Sergio Mendes and Brasil 2566." "Flec, institute complete sensor surveillance of the translocator room." "I want to find out what captain Woods and his crew are up to." "Oh you can't do that without commander Hinkley's authorization." "Nevermind I'll cross that bridge when I come to it." "You're already on the bridge." "I know that, you called me here, now what's this all about?" "Calm down." "The war minister of Algon wants to talk to you about agent Berkowitz." "Put him on the video stream while I buzz commander Hinkley." "Greetings, imperialist warmongers." "The alert and vigilant special planetorial police of the planet Algon, a loyal and proud satellite of the United Planetorial Republic, has captured your secret agent Berkowitz, and he will be executed in twenty four hours for crimes against the state!" "I never saw that man before, and we have no agent Berkowitz, but if the planet Algon of the totalitarian United Planetorian Republic has in its custody an innocent citizen of the alliance of free planets named Berkowitz, we demand his immediate release." "What's all this heavy breathing?" "Oh hi, Berkowitz." "Stoner, why is agent Berkowitz dressed in robes?" "The truth has come out!" "Agent Berkowitz will be released never." "And she will suffer the consequences." "End of transmission." "Did you hear that?" "Do you know what that means?" " Asthma?" " No sir!" "It means our way of life has been challenged." "We must attack the planet Algon and bring them to their knees." " Attack?" " Yes sir." "You'll be following in the footsteps of famous military heroes of the past:" "Alexander the Great, Napoleon Bonaparte," "George Patton, Luther L. Bingbanger." "Founder the Bingbanger Space Academy." " None other." "And the name of commander Irvin Hinkley will go down in history as a hero of this decision." "Yeah..." "What decision?" "The decision to attack Algon." "Oh, that decision." "Of course, carry on Stoner." "Attention bridge personnel, I have good news:" "Prepare for attack!" "Oh no!" "I'm a thinker not a fighter." "And I think you're making a big mistake." "Defense shields activated." " Good!" "Laser cannons fully charged." " Better!" "Pulverizer banks loaded." " Best!" "Flec, listen to this:" "Defeated creatures of the planet Algon," "I come to you not as a hostile conqueror, but as a loving and benevolent victor." " No that's no good." " Why not?" "Well your name isn't Victor." "It's Irvin." "Well what do you suggest?" "I come to you as a loving and benevolent Irvin." "I'll take it under advisement." " That's all I ask." "Stoner, why wasn't I consulted before you called this attack?" "That's procedure." "Gee I was smack in the middle of one of my crooked deals." "The Algonites have captured agent Berkowitz and refused to release him." "Commander." "Commander Hinkely, do you approve this action?" "Yes sirree Bob." "What action?" "Wouldn't it be better to try to solve it without fighting?" " No." " No." " Without bloodshed?" " No!" " No." "Without risking your own lives?" " No." " Yes!" "What d'you have in mind my boy?" " Well I don't know, but give me some time and I'll bring Berkowitz back without bloodshed." "I don't like to make a mess." "Well I could use a little more time on my victory speech." "Captain Woods you have twelve hours." " Twelve hours?" " Six hours." " Six hours?" " One hour." " One hour?" "You have one hour to save the universe." "Good luck." "Hey wait a minute kids, wait wait wait wait." "Hey how come the translocator runs on battle alert?" " We're going into battle." " Battle?" "What battle?" "The translocator!" "That's how we get Berkowitz off of Algon!" "Berkowitz?" "Who's Berkowitz?" "Captain, translocation will require Berkowitz's exact coordinates." "Who's Berkowitz?" "DORC, I need some information, isolate all channels but ours." "Oh goodie!" "This is my busy day and I love it!" "Will somebody please tell me who Berkowitz is?" "DORC, we have to know where the Algonites are holding Berkowitz, what are his exact coordinates?" "How am I supposed to answer that, I'm a computer, not a fortune teller." "You don't see no earrings hanging on me do you?" "DORC, figure something, we have to get those coordinates." "Well, my memorybanks tell me" "I'm on pretty good terms with a cute little computer on Algon." "I'll plug into her circuits." "Maybe she has the information." "Algon computer central here, this is Meribeth, main computer speaking." "Hello Liebchen, this is DORC!" "DORC?" "Oh hello, big daddy!" "I want to ask you something." " Anything for you Dorkiepoo." " Dorkiepoo?" " When you got it, you got it." "Listen, sweetheart, do you have the coordinates for agent Berkowitz in that great set of memory bank you got?" "I can't tell your that, it's top secret." "DORC, do something, sweet talk it out of her." "Alright, but first I've got to set the mood." "Schatzi, E equals MC square." "Oh, DORC, stop!" "I don't know how her but I'm falling in love." "Do you want me to give you the cube root of 1,728?" "No!" "You know cube roots drive me wild!" "I feel like a peeping tom." "Milford, these kids are too young for this, get them back to their planet." "Too bad it all has to end." " End?" "We're going to save Berkowitz, there's going to be a war, and I could come back with a war wound." " Oh no!" " Right in my most important parts." "Berkowitz's coordinates are 34 27 by 12." "Thank you from the bottom of my parts." "Come back any time." "Anybody got a cigaret?" "Here's the sensor surveillance report." "So that's what Woods is up to!" "I've got him now!" "Oh no!" "Captain, the translocator just burned out." "We can't get Berkowitz back and there's a bunch of civilians atomized in space." "Okay now give me the bad news." " It's right be-behind you." "Alright captain Woods, where's Berkowitz?" " And who-who's Berkowitz?" "Commander, the translocator burned out, I need some more time." " Your time is up." " Sir, I can fix the translocator." "You?" "You're a fruitcake!" "Captain, Arnold Flec happens to be an electronic genius." "Besides being a fruitcake." "Go to it Arnold." "Okay, but it's gonna cost you a lot of string." "String is no object, the sky's the limit." "I need an R-type crystal pack capacitator panel." "I need an ice pack." " An ice pack?" "What for?" "Well all this hammering is giving me a headache!" " Flec!" " Okay, okay, I can live with it." " Flec, get back to work!" " Why?" "It's fixed." "Great!" "Milford, glum onto Berkowitz's coordinates and bring him up." "Roger." "I'll bring up Berkowitz, whoever-whoever he is." "Welcome back Berkowitz!" "Corporal Milford will escort you to the debriefing room." "Who's Milford?" "I think you two are going to hit it off just fine." "Well commander, there's your Berkowitz." "Excellent work captain Woods." "I'll recommend you for the Alliance peace medal." "Medal?" "Change that to court-martial." "Commander Hinkley, squad one has been illegally using military equipment to translocate unauthorized civilians aboard this ship." "Unauthorized civilians, what unauthorized civilians?" "Oh, THOSE unauthorized civilians!" "This is a very serious offence captain Woods." "I have no choice but to place you and your crew under arrest." "Take them to the brig." " With pleasure." "Very well, take us away, for we are indeed guilty... guilty of helping to rebuild a children's hospital for the good people of the planet Triton." "And while we accept the blame the credit for this unselfish humanitarian gesture belongs to a benefactor who wishes to remain anonymous, but whose initials are commander Irvin Hinkley." "Hinkley." "Hinkley?" "That's me!" "Oh sir, there I've gone and let the cat out of the bag." "Yes, now everyone knows that you are the generous man who authorized 'Operation Hospital Help'." " You authorized it?" " Stay out of this, Stoner." "Yes, and for that compassionate gesture these people will give you their love, their admiration, and their gratitude." " How about a humanitarian award?" " You've got it." "Eat your heart out Barney Nicholson." "Congratulations mr. humanitarian." "How about a speech?" " Speech!" " Speech?" "Well, if you insist..." "Defeated creatures of the planet Algon..." "I come to you not as a hostile conconqueror, ...but as a loving and benevolent Irving."