"You're aware of the serious nature of the charges brought against you?" "Yes, sir." "All right, begin and speak loudly, please." "This is for the record." "Well, the whole thing started on Friday the tenth." "I got off work early so I could pick up my son and his friends from school." "Ah, gym." "Where huge kids with pituitary problems are pitted against the weak." "What the..." "I got you." "You have to go to tickle jail." "Your ball is set at one gumdrop." "What the hell is going on?" "What happened to the Langley Falls Fighting Buffaloes?" "We're now the Langley Falls Prancing Buffaloes." "Honey, could you fetch me the gym teacher and two cups of coffee?" "He'll want bourbon in his." "I am the gym teacher." "No, n-no, you're confused." "You're a home economics teacher." "Now, scoot back in the fake kitchen and sew something tasty." "Sillyboots, we're just finishing up a game of Tickle-Play." "Hi, Dad." "Well, did my boy's team win at least?" "Oh, there's no winning." "We don't like to foster a competitive atmosphere, but we laugh a lot." "Now everyone hug and share a secret." "I'm afraid of moths." "My therapist says I'm a bad kisser." "What's happened to America?" "Your whole generation has gone soft." "How are you going to become men if you're not tackling each other and ruining your knees for life?" " But Tickle-Play is fun." " And easy." "Plus we get trophies just for playing." "Life isn't fun or easy or what the Asian kid said." "It's tough and brutal." "Life sounds mean." "Damn right." "You don't get a trophy in life just for showing up." " Glitter!" " No!" "No glitter!" "How do you expect to become men if you never do anything hard?" "Simple." "We'll get safe, easy jobs." "And we'll keep quiet, so we don't ruffle any feathers." "Eventually, our female friends will realize we're the best they're going to do, and they'll browbeat us into marrying them." "And then we'll get cake." "I see one tear, Fatty, and I'm doing it again." "Good, you're not busy." "I need somebody to talk to." "I just..." "I just love her so much!" "Who?" "The cashier at Booze Town." "You have a crush on the liquor store girl?" "Oh, heavens, yes." "That's why I need you to pretend to be my girlfriend so she'll get jealous and want me for herself." "Roger, I-I'm not sure that'll..." "Hayley, you gotta help, you just gotta." "Okay, I'll go down there with you." "God bless you." "You're an angel." "Now go dress like a woman." "I have heels if you need to borrow." "How's it coming, boys?" "Have you pummeled each other into manhood yet?" "I can't reach it." "Don't get sun on me!" "What in the name of Red Grange is going on out here?" "We were pretending the football was a panda egg." "But then it rolled into the sun." "There's melanoma out there, Mr. Smith." "Moth!" "Moth!" "It's going to leave dust on me." "Leave him." "He's as good as dead." "Boys, get out here." "Now." "The sun's rays will bake you to a leathern Willie Nelson crust." "But being outside is hard." "That's the point." "There are three simple rules of manhood." "A man is tough, a man takes charge, and a man never quits." "Let's set the rules to a soulful a cappella melody." "A man takes charge, a man is tough." "A man is tough." "There she is, Hayley." "Let's do a walk-by." "You got it,"lover."" "God, baby, your back is so toned." "Oh, my lats." "Yeah, the electric can opener broke." "I've been opening them manually." "With these big, strong hands?" "Ah, they make me feel so safe." "Thanks." "Cans again." "I'll tell you the cans I like." "Oh, Sassy hands!" "Don't just one cheek, girl." "Other side." "So?" "Do you think it worked?" "Something worked." "Hayley, I'm no longer in love with the booze girl." "I'm in love with you." "Shh..." "I stole you Dentyne with my big, strong hands." "Good, you're not busy." "Steve doesn't know how to be a man." "Who's going to take over when I'm enjoying a glorious Reagan-style slide into dementia?" "What do you think?" "You're the smartest person I know." "I mean, I've always respected you, even when you were drinking and doing all that coke." "Oh, Stan, thank you." "Hmm?" "Oh, oh, God." "Oh, oh, not you, Francine." "God, no." "No, I was talking to the photo of George W. Bush." "Look at you." "A perfect specimen of a man, swaggering across your ranch." "God, Tim Purcell always got the best coke." "That's it." "That's how I'll make them into men." "Francine, bring those beautiful lips over here so I can kiss them." "Oh, Stan." "Never mind, I can reach it." "Mmm." "Rise and shine, boys!" "Tell Sally Swim suit-Dream you'll take a rain check on those kisses." "Dad... it's 5:00 in the morning." "Let's move." "The dawn of manhood has arrived." "George Bush," "Ronald Reagan," "Mr. Jolly..." "All ranchers." "All men." "Welcome to the Smith Man-Ranch." "You're cowboys now, but when we're done, you'll be cow-men." "So if any of you boys want to cry or wet yourselves, this is your last chance." "Good." "Okay." "This guy gets it." "You..." "You filled our yard with cows?" "Good eye." "Nice ranching." "I got a great deal on these things." "They tenderize themselves." "Well, good luck, Steve." "We're going to Pancake Pete's." "It's Strawberry Saturday." "Nope, you're staying right here." "I cleared it with your parents." "Slim, that's your cowboy name..." "Your mom said your therapist thought it was a great idea." "Banzai, your parents I couldn't understand." "I assume they're on board." "Tubs, your folks seemed not to care much either way." "Almost surprised they had a kid." "Now let's get to work." "Not on Strawberry Saturday." "Your parents said I could hit you." "Hey..." "Hey, you." " Oh, hi, Roger." " Not you." "Hey..." "Hey, you." "Oh, hey, Roger." "Made you this." "It's a diorama of us... riding the gondola at the Venetian in Vegas." "Oh, wow." "I made you out of Twizzlers 'cause you're thin and sweet." "That's very nice." "Thanks, Roger." "She likes it." "What was that all about?" "Oh, it's silly." "Roger's got a little crush on me." "Look, he says I'm the prettiest girl in the house." "Roger." "Last time I checked, I lived in this house, too." "Stop!" "Stop!" "This is not what I pictured when I was at the rope store." "It's hard." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Maybe you'd rather go inside and bake a soufflé." "Oh, God, yes." "Thank you." "Dad, are we done?" "Yeah, Mr. Smith, can we have some food?" "Oh, absolutely." "Can't expect a rancher to ranch on an empty stomach." "Boys..." "Who would you say loves the calf the most?" "Oh, I do!" "Rosey calms my dark places." "Terrific." "Then it'll be you who kills her." "What?" "A man kills what a man loves, before it weakens him." "You can't make me kill Rosey." "You boys sure you don't want some Rosey?" " Mm-mm." " No, no thanks." "Mmm." "I'm eating the face right now." "Mmm." "Good cut of face meat." "Her eyes said..." ""Why?"" "Yeah, you can still see the look of betrayal." "Can't grill that off." "Uh, what are you doing?" "Just sketching you nude wearing the Heart of the Ocean." "I'm flattered, but this infatuation, it's getting a..." "Wow, Frannie, look at you!" "Thanks." "Just trying to look pretty 'cause, you know," "I live in the house." "Check you out!" "Bam and the bam!" "The bop and the woo!" "I thought you were drawing me." "I was, but I never realized your mother had the wa-bam!" "Uh, excuse me, Mom." "I was just about to take Roger to Red Lobster." " You were?" " Uh-huh." "Did you know they have a new dipping sauce?" "They do?" "There isn't anything about it in the Fresh Catch." "That's their e-bulletin." "I know that!" "I was the one who told you about it!" "Fronting like you're on the cutting edge of Red Lobster news." "Anyway, I thought you and I could go." "Sure, Roger." "Or you and I could go to a bar." "Get rocked on Goldschlager like grown-ups." "Oh, but Hayley's not old enough." "You know, I once made my own Goldschlager by mixing Red Hots, mouthwash and some tinfoil from a chocolate Easter egg." "Surprisingly not good." "Boys?" "What's going on?" "Why aren't you working?" "We don't like working." "We like watching cartoons." "Men don't do what they like." "Men get wives and jobs to keep them from what they like." "Look, Dad, we don't want to be men." "We're not tough, we don't take charge, and we love quitting." "And a yard full of cows isn't gonna change that." "Mm-hmm." "We're going on a cattle drive?" "That's right, son." "Making you ranchers in the backyard was never gonna make you men." "What you need is a rite of passage." "Mr. Smith, my unicorn is broken." "We'll just take these cows across town and drop them off at the slaughterhouse." "Just imagine how good it'll feel to finish the job like men." "$500 a head?" "I don't know about that, Banzai, but we'll do all right." "We'll do all right." "Tough riding." "But nothing like a little Rosey jerky to keep me going." "Boys?" "I can't believe you killed her, Barry." "You're a cold son of a bitch." "Uhp." "Doorbell's ready." "Hello, ma'am, we're from the Department of Agriculture." "It seems you were sold some cattle tainted with mad cow disease." "My husband's taking them to the slaughterhouse right now." "Good Lord!" "We have to stop him." "Ma'am, if you have any of that tainted beef throw it out." "It's crucial no one eats it." "It... drives them mad." "You boys see these owls?" "Get out of here, owls!" "Stop pecking at my face!" "I will not buy your encyclopedias!" "I can't read your language, I can only speak it!" "Okay, that's weird." "You know, this would never happened if we went to my house after school." "But no!" "You guys are too creeped out by my mom's wooden foot." "You know most people throw away the oof." "Never understood it." "None for you, owls!" "All right, boys, on to the slaughterhouse." "I think it's possible there just might be something wrong with your dad." "Oh, yeah?" "There's something wrong with your dad, too." "Your dad left you!" "Uh, I'm not comparing dads." "I'm just saying yours is in his underwear swatting at invisible owls." "Oh, yeah." "Let me look into that." "Dad, is everything okay?" "Couldn't be better." "Nature... have you ever seen anything more beautiful?" "Well, my son is a sissy with a Japanese friend" "But they're gonna be men when the cattle drive ends" "Just one last canyon we must cross" "And we'll serve these cows with a barbecue sauce" "Nothing like a cattle drive, as every father knows" "Prairie dog and jackrabbits stop and say hello" "Hey, Stan!" "Hello, friend!" "Join me on the yodel, fellas." "Come a-ti yiyippy yippy yea yippy yea" "Come a-ti yi yippy yippy yea" "Great job, Stan." "Terrific." "Come a-ti yiyippy yippy yea." "Dad, why are you dancing with a beer box and a Filet of Fish wrapper?" "Happy trails, friends." "All right, boys, all we got to do is cross that river, and we'll be home free." "Dad, that's not a river." "That's a highway!" "Steve, take off that lobster costume and start wrapping our gear in plastic." "We don't want it to get wet when we cross." "This is crazy, Steve." "Your dad is gonna kill us all." "Your dad shot your mom in the face with a flare gun!" "I'm-I'm sorry, Snot." "I don't mean to keep going there." "We gotta stop him!" "All right, relax, relax." "We'll, we'll just relieve him of command." "Huddle up." "Okay, Barry, you're gonna approach him from the front, complaining of a tummy ache." "When he reaches out to hit you," "Toshi and Snot, you guys grab his arms and pull them back as hard as you can." "I'll then take this rock and keep striking him until he's quiet." " You guys ready?" " Ready." "I am so frightened." "He's much bigger, than you made him look in the dirt." "Damn it." "Who are we kidding?" "We're not men." "We're puny little bunnies and that's all we'll ever be." "All right, men, saddle up!" "I'll blaze the trail, you follow with the cattle." "Meet ya on the other side!" "H'yah!" "Dad, no!" "Those logs are gonna fall!" "Let's call a teacher!" "There's no time." "He may be crazy, but he's my dad." "Moths." "Why did it have to be moths?" "H'yah!" "I can't watch." "Hang on, Steve!" "I can't... hold it." "Now we can forget about this stupid cattle drive and go home!" "No." "Rule number three:" "a man never quits." "We're gonna bring these cattle to slaughter!" "Toshi, I-I think, I think this is yours." " Oh, mine had the white band." " Mine is a hat." "Wow!" "Hayley, look at you." "Ding-ding." "Technical knock out." "Francine, doesn't she look terrific?" "Neh." "Come on, look at that body." "Young." "Firm." "Everything's where it should be." "I guess she is the prettiest one in the house." "Oh, really?" "'Cause all I see are... tissue-boobs!" "Fakies!" "Well, you know what I see?" "Crow's feet!" "Age-defying make-up!" " Hag!" " Tramp!" "Ladies, please, no violence." "Get off of me, you cow!" "I'll spit in your lazy eye!" "I had that corrected!" "I can still tell!" "I can't condone this." "You love each other, remember?" "These are here if you want 'em." "Bite her, Hayley!" "Scratch her eyes out, Francine!" " What are you doing?" " Perfect." "I think I got enough." "Enough?" "Enough for what?" "Why, for mother-daughter-catfight-dot-com." "You submit footage of your best mother-daughter scratch-fest, and they send you a free T-shirt." "You..." "You set all this up?" "The liquor store girl?" "The diorama?" "Just for a T-shirt?" "Mm-hmm." "I think I'm gonna get a medium." "I know I'm a large but I'm gonna get a medium." "We..." "We became animals." "Oh, and for the record." "I'm the prettiest one in the house." "There it is!" "Stop!" "See, I told you we had time for ice cream." "We just couldn't eat it there." "You boys can't do this!" "No boys here." "Only men." "Let's get these doggies home!" "H'yah!" "No!" "Stop!" "We did it!" "Those cows will infect the entire herd." "You've tainted the whole beef supply!" "Maybe it won't spread." "I, sir, will not stay at a Red Roof Inn." "So, that's how it happened." "My fever went down about a week later." "Sir, in all my years of attending beef safety hearings, that is the wildest story I've ever heard." "Your irresponsible actions resulted in 100,000 head of cattle being put down." "It's clear to me that you deserve punishment to the fullest extent of the law." "Wait!" "Frank, that fat child has an opinion." "Maybe Mr. Smith is crazy, but Mr. Smith also taught me to be tough." "That's right." "Mr. Smith taught us about never giving up, and acting like men." "Maybe a cattle drive through a city wasn't the best idea, but my dad showed us what it means to take charge." "And when we needed to we were ready." "Thanks to him." "Still..." "Toshi, tell 'em!" "I didn't understand a word of that funny talk... but it was clearly a touching tribute to you as a mentor, Mr. Smith." "You taught these boys manhood." "And that's worth all the cows in the world." "All charges dropped." "Thanks, Dad." "You made me proud, son."