""Notwithstanding the provisions of subsection 3, section A, clause 214 of the Administrative Procedures Scotland Act 1978, it is proposed that in so far as the implementation of the statutory provisions is concerned, the resolution of anomalies and uncertainties" "as between responsible departments shall fall within the purview of the Minister for Administrative Affairs"." "What does it mean?" "I'm sorry?" "What does it mean?" "Oh, er, well, Minister, it means "notwithstanding the provisions of... "" "Don't read it to me." "I've just read it to you." "What does it mean?" "What it says, Minister." "May I remind you, Minister." "you are seeing a deputation from the TUC in 15 minutes, from the CBI half an hour after that, and from the NEB at 12 noon." "What do they all want?" "They're all worried about machinery." "Machinery?" "Yes, for inflation, deflation and reflation." "What do they think I am, a Minister of the Crown or a bicycle pump?" "When am I going to do all this correspondence?" "You do realise you don't actually have to, Minister." "Don't I?" "Not if you don't want to." "We can draft an official reply." "What's the official reply?" "It just says "The Ministerthanks you for the letter"." "Then we say something like "The matter is underconsideration"." "Or even, if you feel the same "under active consideration"." "What's the difference?" ""Under consideration" means we've lost the file," ""Under active consideration" means we're trying to find it." "You just transfer all the letters to your Out Tray, put a brief note on the margin if you wish to see the reply and if you don't, you never see or hear of it again." "If I transfereverything from here to here, without even reading it, that's all I have to do?" "Yes." "It will be dealtwith?" "Precisely." "Properly?" "Immaculately." "What's the Minister here for then?" "Er... to make policy decisions, Minister." "When you've decided the policy, we can carry it out." "How often are policy decisions needed?" "From time to time." "Bernard, this government is here to govern." "Not merely preside like our predecessors did." "When a country is going downhill, it's time for someone to get into the driving seat, put his foot on the accelerator." "I think you mean the brake." "Ah, Humphrey." "A moment of your time, Minister." ""The official visit to the UK of the President of Buranda"." "Where's Buranda?" "Africa." "I've never heard of it." "Yes, it's fairly new, Minister." "It used to be called British Equatorial Africa." "It's the red bit on the left hand side, below the Mediterranean." "Oh, there!" "But why's this come to us?" "This is for the Foreign Office." "No." "Not exactly." "There are administrative problems." "Her Majesty's due to be up at Balmoral at the time, so she'll have to come to London." "I thought state visits are arranged years in advance." "This isn't a state visit, it's a Head of Government visit." "Usually the President of Buranda is Head of State." "But he's also Head of Government, Minister" "But if he's coming as Head of Government, why does the Queen have to see him?" "Because she's the Head of State, Minister." "The Head of State must greet a Head of State, even if he's not here as Head of State." "It's all a matter of hats, Minister" "Hats?" "Yes." "He's coming wearing his Head of Government hat." "He is the Head of State, too, but it's not a state visit because he's not wearing his Head of State hat, but protocol demands even though he's wearing his Head of Government hat," "he must still be met by the Crown." "Why are we having an official visit from this tin pot little African country?" "Minister," "I beg of you not to referto it as a tin pot little African country." "It's an L.D.C. What?" "Buranda is what used to be called an Under- developed Country." "However, this term was widely regarded as offensive... so they became known as Developing Countries and then as Less Developed Countries or L.D.C.'s." "We are now ready to replace the term L.D.C. with H.R.R.C." "What's that?" "Human Resource Rich Countries." "Which means?" "They're grossly overpopulated and begging for money." "And Buranda is an H.R.R.C?" "No, Minister." "Don't be that strict." "Is it one of the "have" or "have not" countries?" "We don't use that term any longer." "But if we did, Buranda would be a "will have" nation." "Will have?" "Will have a huge amount of oil in a couple of years from now." "Oh, I see." "Why didn't you say so at first?" "It's not a T.P. L.A.C. At all." "T.P. L.A.C?" "Tin Pot Little African Country." "No, Minister." "Oil." "Wait for a moment." "I've got a marvellous idea." "The Queen doesn't have to come down from Balmoral." "Are you proposing that Her Majesty and the president should exchange official greetings over the telephone?" "No." "No." "No." "No." "that perhaps you'd like them to shout rather loudly?" "No." "The visit shall take place in Scotland." "At Holyrood Palace." "Out of the question." "Why?" "It's not our decision." "It's a Foreign Office matter." "I don't think so." ""Notwithstanding the provisions of subsection 3 blah blah... it is proposed blah... the resolution of anomalies and uncertainties blah... shall fall within the purview of the Minister for Administrative Affairs." "Oh, yes but..." "Don't you see?" "It's brilliant." "We save the Queen a pointless journey, and there are three Scottish by-elections coming up soon everyone of the marginal." "We'll hold them straight after the visit." "Minister, we do not hold Head of Government visits for party political reasons, but for reasons of State." "My plan shows that Scotland is an equal partner in the UK." "She is Queen of Scotland too." "You Know." "And it is full of marginal constit..." "I mean depressed areas." "Minister, I hardly think that we can exploit our Sovereign by involving her in what some might call a squalid vote grubbing exercise." "You want a better reason, right?" "Indeed we do." "Then tell me why he's coming." "For exchange of views on matters of mutual interest." "Now tell me why he's coming." "Off shore drilling equipment." "We're hoping he's going to place a huge order with BG." "And where is he going to see all this off shore equipment?" "Aberdeen." "Clydeside." "Yes." "How many oil rigs have you got in Haslemere?" "But the administrative problems..." "That's what this whole department was created to solve." "But Scotland's so remote." "Not all that remote." "It's that pink bit about two feet above Potter's Bar." "Very droll, Minister." "So, it's going to be Scotland." "That is my policy decision." "That's what I'm here for, right Bernard?" "Right Humphrey?" "Good, thank you." "What's he got against the idea Bernad?" "I mean realy." "Well, Sir Humphrey likes going to Foreign Embassies, with his white tie, tails, medals." "It will all be on a much smaller scale of expectation in Scotland." "You mean no room for Humphrey?" "Probably not." "Only for the Permanent Secretary there." "Has Sir Humphrey got lots of um...?" "Yes one or two, Minister." "He's been recommended for the KBE for the next honours list" "How do you know?" "I thought honours were a closely guarded secret." "More coffee, Jumbo?" "Thank you, Humpy." "Any luck with the Foreign Secretary about this" "Scottish nonsense?" "Afraid not." "Can't budge him." "Your Minister nobbled him first." "No chance of getting it back to London?" "No, I'm afraid the Cabinet are utterly united." "All these marginal seats, d'you see?" "Shameful." "Political." "Typical." "Inevitable." "And so blatant." "I mean issuing writs for three Scottish by-elections to poll on the day after the visit." "Can you imagine Harold MacMillan doing a thing like that?" "Yes." "Yes, so can I, actually." "Now, about the arrangements for Scotland." "The reception I mean." "Do we know who's going?" "Yes." "I'm afraid the Burandan Consulate in Edinburgh is rather a hutch." "I shall have to carry the flag for the Civil Service all by myself." "Oh really?" "Well, you have my sympathy." "God knows what they'll be serving up for the Scots and Burandans." "Haggis in missionary sauce, I shouldn't wonder." "Actually, between ourselves, the visit will probably never happen." "Never happen?" "Why?" "Rumblings in the interior." "Oh dear..." "Oh, I see what you mean." "From our man in Mungoville." "Isn't that rather serious?" "Buranda's a friendly African country with a Common Wealth connection." "Our information is it's likely to turn into a hostile L.D.C." "With a Cuban connection." "What will the Government do?" "The same as always..." "Damn all!" "We are just getting reports of a coup d'etat in Buranda, the West African State, formerly British Equatorial Africa." "Earlier report suggested that the Commander in Chief" "Colonel Selim Mohammed has been declared President." "It is not known what's happened to President Alam, who was due to pay an official visit to Britain next week." "There is still no sign of agreement..." "Did you see that?" "Get me the Foreign Secretary." "Shall we scramble?" "Scramble." "No, it's not secret, it's on the news." "Martin." "What's all this about Buranda?" "What's all what?" "There's been a coup d'etat." "How do you know?" "It was on the news." "Didn't you see?" "Don't you know?" "You're Foreign Secretary!" "For god's sake." "Yes." "But my TV set's on the blink." "Your TV set?" "Don't you get telegrams?" "No, they always come in later." "I get all the foreign news from TV." "You're joking... aren't you?" "No." "What about this official visit?" "We've got to make sure this still happens." "How can we?" "Who's the new President?" "We must find out." "And make sure he comes. whoever he is." "There are three by-elections hanging on it." "I know that." "Let me know if you hear anything more..." "No, you let me know." "You're the one with the telly." "You've heard the sad news?" "Yes, disaster." "No." "No." "No." "No, just a slight inconvenience." "The wheels are in motion." "Now it's really perfectly simple to cancel the arrangements for the visit." "Cancel the visit?" "You'll do no such thing." "We have no choice, Minister." "I've just been speaking with the Foreign Secretary." "We are reissuing the invitation for the new President." "But, we haven't recognised his government." "The wheels are in motion." "But who is he?" "Mohammed something." "We know nothing about him." "What's he like?" "Humphrey, he's coming here on a official visit." "We're not putting him up after the Athenaeum." "Minister." "Buranda is in total confusion." "We don't know who is behind him." "We don't know Whether he's Soviet backed, or just a ordinary Burandan with an eye for the main chance." "We cannot take diplomatic risks." "The Government has no choice." "But Her Majesty..." "Her Majesty will cope." "She always does." "But who is he?" "He might not be properly brought up." "He might be rude to her." "He might take liberties." "He will be photographed with Her Majesty and what if he turns out to be another Idi Amin." "The repercussions are too hideous to contemplate." "We'll find out about him." "We can't." "All that we know is that he's an enigma." "Humphrey, I don't care for that word." "Enigma?" "And there are reasons of State which make this visit essential." "Buranda is potentially and enormously rich." "It needs oil rigs and we have idle shipyards on the Clyde." "Moreover, Buranda is essential to our African policy." "The Government doesn't have African policy." "Well, it has now." "And ifhe is Marxist backed, who better to win him over to our side than her Majesty?" "Moreover, the people of Scotland has been promised the important state occassion can not go back on ours words." "Not to mention three marginal by-elections." "Not to mention..." "It has nothing to do with it!" "Of course not." "Yes?" "It's the Foreign Secretary." "Martin?" "Yes Yes." "The visit's on." "Oh, splendid." "The new President of Buranda has announced his intention to visiting this country next week, in accordance with his predecessor's arrangements." "So, the Foreign Office is getting the facts at last?" "Well, not exactly." "Martin's driver heard a newsflash on his car radio." "So, the visit's on." "That is my recommendation to the PM." "Another policy decision, Bernard." "Quite a lot of them after all, aren't they?" "Burandan Airways!" "They are doing well." "How many planes do they have?" "None." "You derisible,What about that one?" "That one was chartered from Freddie Laker last week and repainted specially." "Actually, there's one 747 that belonged to 9 different African airlines in one month." "They called it the Mumbo Jumbo." "When does my plane leave?" "I've booked you on the sleeper." "You'll be at the House tonight." "Oh, lord." "And now we are about to catch our first glimpse of President Selim Mohammed of Buranda." "I know him!" "That's Charlie." "Charlie?" "We were at L.S. E. Together." "He's not Selim Mohammed, he's Charles Umtali." "Are you sure?" "You don't forget a name like Charlie Umtali." "Have we anything on this Bernard?" "In the brief it stated that Colonel Selim Mohammed was converted to Islam some years ago." "We didn't know his previous name, so we couldn't find out much about his background." "I know all about him." "He's a red hot political economist." "Got the door first, wiped the floor with everyone." "That's all right then." "Is it why?" "What I think what Bernard means is that you know how to behave when you went to an English University." "Even if it was the L.S.E." "You said red hot, were you speaking politically?" "Partly." "You never know where you're with Charlie." "He's sort of person who follows you into a revolving door and comes out first." "No deep commitment?" "Only to Charlie." "I see." "A politician, Minister." "Very droll, Humphrey." "It'll be a couple of days." "Can't do much harm." "Always remember, Minister, you wanted him here, not me." "It is after half past, Minister." "When am I going to do all this correspondence?" "Well, Minister..." "Well done, Minister." "Better out than in." "22:30 Edinburgh train will leave from Platform 7..." "Who is it?" "Bernard." "Come in." "Bernard, what's the matter?" "Would you read this, please?" "No, I will not." "But it's top priority." "You always say like that at everything." "This is an advanced copy of President Selim's speech tomorrow." "We just got it from the Brianda Embassy" "I know about these speeches:" "Happy to be here, bonds of shared experience," "Ties between our two countries, am I right?" "Oh, yes." "That is all in it, but..." "I'm certainly not going to read it tonight." "I think you should, Minister.." "I've underlined the important bits in red ink." "I'll just distribute some copies around the train." "Around the train?" "Yes." "To Sir Humphrey, the Foreign Secretary, the Press Officer all on the train..." ""Burandans feel" ""a special affinity with the..." ""Celtic peoples" ""in their struggle for freedom." ""We too had to fight to break free from the chains of British colonialism"." "Bristish colonialism?" ""The people of Buranda urge the Scots and the Irish" ""to end the English oppression, cast off the imperialist yoke" ""and join the fellowship of free nations"." "Good God!" "Yes." "Well, Minister." "We would appear to have been caught with our trousers down." "Humphrey, he can't say this in front of her." "I don't like to say I told you so, but I told you so." "Egg all overourfaces." "Not egg, Minister, just imperialist "yoke"." "Three Scottish by-elections on Thursday." "Oh, yes." "It is indeed a catastrophe." "A tragedy." "A cataclysmic, apocalyptic, monumental calamity." "And you did it." "Humphrey, you're paid to advise me, advise me!" "This is not I like trying to advise the Captain of the Titanic after he's struck the iceberg." "There must be something we can do." "We could sing Abide with Me?" "Yes?" "Minister." "The Foreign Secretary would like a word." "Ah, Foreign Secretary." "Have you read this...?" "Yes." "My Minister is concerned that our government will have egg all over our face." "Scotch egg, presumably." "Why is he doing it?" "Maybe it's for home consumption." "He's just taken over." "Perhaps he's trying to persuade the other African Leaders that he's a pukka anticolonialist." "Yes?" "Yes, Bernard?" "The Press Officer would like a word." "Oh dear!" "Room for a little 'un?" "Do you think it's good idea to issue a statement?" "Well, Minister, in practical terms we have the usual six options." "One, do nothing." "Two, issue a statement deploring the speech." "Three, lodge an official protest." "Four, cut off aid." "Five, break off diplomatic relations." "And six, declare war." "Which should we do?" "If we do nothing, we implicitly agree with the speech." "Two, if we issue a statement, we just look foolish." "Three, if we lodge a protest, it will be ignored." "Four, we can't cut off aid because we don't give them any." "Five, if we break off diplomatic relations we can't negotiate the oil rig contracts." "And six, if we declare war, it might just look as if we were overreacting." "In the old days we'd just send in a gun boat." "Oh yes." "I suppose that is absolutely out of the question?" "Yes?" "Minister..." "The Permanent undersecretary of the Foreign Office is coming down the corridor over there" "It'll be like the Black Hole of Calcutta." "May I come in, Minister." "You can try." "This is all we needed." "Welcome to the Standing Committee." "Sir Frederick, you see this bomb-able speech?" "what are we going to do about this?" "Well, Minister, Foreign Secretary..." "I think..." "I think we know what's behind it, don't we, Humpy?" "Humpy?" "I think Sir Frederick is suggesting that the offending paragraph may be" "Shall we say, a bargaining counter." "You mean he wants something?" "Well, if he doesn't why send us an advance copy?" "See." "Why don't you find out what it is he wants?" "The Embassy staff are all new, we've just seen the speech." "And no one knows anything about this President." "Except me." "Except you how?" "They were at University together." "The old boy network." "That was 25 years ago." "He may not even remembe rme..." "I don't really think I could..." "I think you ought to see him, Frederick." "No, Minister." "I think you carry more weight." "Well, we are all agreed then that the mountain shall go to Mohammed?" "No." "No." "No." "Jim's going." "That's what I meant." "All right." "But you'll have to come with me." "Of course, Minister." "I'd hardly let you do it on your own." "Oh, Jim, come in." "How nice to see you again." "Charlie..." "Long time no see." "You don't have to speak pidgin English to me, Jim" "This is Sir Humphrey Appleby, my Permanent undersecretary." "Your Excellency." "How do you do." "Do sit down." "I've always thought that Permanent undersecretary is such a demeaning title." "I beg your pardon?" "Sounds like an Assistant Typist or something, whereas you're really in charge of everything, aren't you?" "Well, not quite everything." "Charlie, I suppose I should congratulate you on becoming Head of State." "Oh, thanks." "It wasn't difficult." "I didn't have to do any of the boring things, like fighting elections or by-elections." "Jim, of course I'm delighted to see you, but is this purely a social visit, or is there anything in particular you wanted to talk about?" "Because I do have to put a finish in touches of my speech." "Ah..." "Well, yes..." "Actually, we have seen an advanced copy..." "You liked it?" "Charlie, may I speak frankly?" "I mean we're old friends, aren't we?" "Of course." "You must realise that that bit about colonialist oppression was a bit... well... um, very..." "Well, actually profoundly embarrassing." "That passage where you urged the Scots and the Irish to er..." "I wonder if you could um, give it a miss?" "Give it a miss?" "Yes." "But, this is something I feel very, very deeply to be true." "Surely the British don't believe in suppressing the truth?" "Good heavens no." "I wonder if there's anything that might persuade you, President." "to consider recasting that sentence and transfering the emphasis from the specific instance to the abstract concept without, of course, in any way, impairing the conceptual integrity of the theme." "Yes..." "May I change the subject?" "Jim, while you're here may I sound you out on a proposal" "I was going to make to the Prime Minister?" "What proposal?" "Our little change of Government has quite unnecessarily alarmed some of the investors in our oil industry." "Only temporarily of course, but it does mean thatwe need a little British investment to tide us over." "To restore confidence, you know." "How much?" "Fifty million pounds." "Ask him on what terms." "On what terms?" "Repayment of the capital not to start before ten years." "And interest free." "Fifty million pounds... it's a lot ot money." "I see, well in that case..." "But that doesn't mean we can't talk about it?" "Hey, Humphrey" "Interest free?" "Ten years?" "Assuming that the interest would be a 10% he's asking for a free gift of fifty million pounds." "It would appear that you're rightly asking for a free gift of about fifty million pounds." "But it's to your advantage." "We would use the loan to buy oil rigs built on the Clyde." "Ah, well." "He's asking us to give him 50 million pounds so that he can buy our oil rigs with our money." "Reasonable to me." "Reasonable, Minister?" "Lots of jobs, Humphrey." "Charlie, supposing it were possible to do this deal, would you find it possible to make the necessary cuts in your speech today?" "Yes, but I'd have to know now." "Blackmail!" "Are you describing me or my proposal?" "Your proposal, naturally." "No, no, not even your proposal." "I think we can come to agreement, don't you Humphrey?" "Minister..." "Could I have a word with you?" "Yes?" "Will you excuse us, Your Excellency?" "Is anything wrong?" "Is anything right?" "He's offering us a way out." "A way out?" "He's calling us to give a gift of 50mp." "A way out?" "It's a loan." "You call it what you like." "We'll neverget it back." "You're proposing to buy your way out of political involvement with fifty million pounds of public money?" "It's diplomacy." "It's corruption, Minister." "K.B.E." "Humpy." "You mean..." "Yes, I see." "I suppose we don't want the Soviets to invest in Buranda, do we?" "And I suppose it could be argued that we have a responsibility to the..." "T.P. L.A.C.'s." "Yes, quite." "Oh, good." "Mr. President, I think we can come to terms after all." "Well, you know my price." "And you know mine." "Everyone has his price." "Yes, Minister."