"This here is the bounty hunter skit." "He's the bounty and I'm the hunter." "Hey, can you keep an eye on him for a second if I'm inside here?" "Just relax." "Just relax for a minute." "Keep an eye on him?" "Just for a minute." "Come on, man, don't just stand there, come on." "Hey, hey, hey." " Hey, give me a hand?" "Can you" " Give me a hand with this clown, huh?" " Come on." " Grow up... shut up." "You got some ID?" "You guys got some ID on you?" " Everything's totally in the van, yeah." " Totally in the van?" "You just can't cuff a man like this, buddy, you're disturbing the peace." "Oh, I'm sorry." "We were..." "He's a friend of mine, actually." "Frankly, I don't believe you guys." "You guys look like a couple of..." "lunatics or something." " Yeah, here he comes." " How you doing?" " How you doing?" "You with these guys?" " Yeah, we're doing a thing for MTV." " MTV, what, you got a permit?" " I don't have a permit." " You don't have a permit." "You got ID?" " I don't have ID on me." "I can go to the car and get ID." "I don't believe you guys." "You know, what the hell is this?" "You come here..." "You can't do this." "Where you guys from, anyways?" " From Los Angeles." " You better go back to Los Angeles." "For now, you're gonna have to go down to the station house with me." "Can I find out where these guys are going?" "They're going downtown." "Get in the car." "Get in the car." "Fellows, I got some bad news for you." "You're under arrest... for impersonating an officer." "That's a felony." "And you, for disturbing the peace... and I think there's a possible warrant on you." "A felony?" " A felony?" "No." " They're gonna take me to gaol." "I don't know, but it doesn't happen like this on COPS, huh?" "And, by the way..." "I'm Johnny Knoxville, welcome to Jackass." " Shut up!" " You son of a bitch." "Mother..." "Mother... you gave me a heart attack." "You..." "That was so good." "Oh, my God." "This is the Abe Lincoln beard of leeches." "Hey, hey, get them, get them." "Will you get them off my crotch?" "Should I lay down?" "I might have an Abe Lincoln mole of meeches." "Leeches, I mean." "Four score and seven years ago our fathers founded... upon this continent, a new nation... conceived of liberty, and dedicated to the proposition... that all men are created equal." "We are now in a..." "We are now engaged in a civil war... to test whether this nation, or any nation so conceived... and dedicated can long endure." "One's in my mouth!" "Liberate." "Penetrate." "And, boy, can I..." "He's in my ear, get him out of my ear!" "Yeah, I think you left off at "penetrate."" "They won't." "Oh, sick!" "That was a hairball of leeches." "This is my new contraption." "And it's gonna work." "This is ice barrel jumping." "One barrel, crap." "It's like we're amateurs or something." "I can do four." "Three is my unlucky number." " All right." " You... got it!" "Let's go." "Did you hurt your unit?" "I hurt my nuts." "I know you guys want me to eat..." "but that's not gonna happen." "It's not gonna happen." "Holy..." "That's all I was waiting for." "That's what I needed to see, I didn't care about the makes." "Who cares about the makes?" "I wanna see people eating crap." "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is my father, Phil." "And today we're gonna watch my nephew Dusty pass wind." "Drop my pants now?" " Yeah, drop them." " Okay." " Mike him up good." " I'll mike him up good." " Oh, Lord, what..." " God." "I think I got the wrong angle here." "Maybe you need to duct tape some of that hair off your ass." "Oh, he already started." "Oh, God." "Wait, wait, not yet, don't start yet." "Put it closer in there." "Is that all you got?" "No." "I mean, it's like I'm about to crap and it's not coming." "Well, if you got to, you got to." " How's the view from back there, Rob?" " The view's great." "I've been to three world's fairs and four goat- screwings... and I ain't never seen nothing like that." "Hey, Mum, come here for a second." " Mum!" " I can't." " Come here for one second." " I can't." " Oh, my God, he's crapped on himself." " Look, it's running down his ass." "He pooed, he pooed his pants." "Good Lord!" " Is that it for you, Dad?" " That's it for me." "Oh, did you crap on the mike?" "Hey, Lynne." "Lynne!" "Lynne, you need some..." "Get some toilet paper." "Come on, go get it." "Come on." "He's your son." "He's your son, go get it." "It's right there, I'll show it to you." "I'll show it to you, come on." "There." "There it is." "No, no, no!" "Please, God." "No." "I don't want it." "Okay, take it towards the bathroom." "Take it towards the bathroom." "Go." "No!" "Who is it?" "You wanna see it?" " You wanna see it floating?" " God!" "Sick." "Don't even think about touching that camera." "It's gone." "Bottle skating." "It's not a bottle." "When you asked for these, what'd you ask for?" "Bottles, right?" " Bottles." " I call them bottles." " That's a bottle?" " Water bottle." "A bottle's made out of glass." " I call it a jug." " It's a jug." "Nice fall." "Nice fall." "Did I go a couple?" "I hit my knee." " What you got?" " A little water bottle." "It's not a bottle, it's a jug." "That was really good." "My job on this show is to be naked, not kill myself." "This sucks so bad." "I'm so bummed right now." " I don't wanna do this." " Does bunny need a hug?" "Come on." " Come on." " Can I have one, too?" "It's okay." "All right." "Today, me and Ehren are riding on this enormous hill... on this horrible tandem bike that has no brakes." "We're dead." "Oh, shit!" "That's the only bush Ehren's been in, in months." "Oh, my God!" "Holy..." "Holy shit." "That was so... up." "Oh, man." "It's there, man." "You see it?" "Bitch!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, son of a bitch!" "Oh, crap!" "Oh, my God!" "Why?" "Why me?" "Oh, son of a bitch!" "Oh, God!" "Excuse me, man." "Excuse me, dude." "Oh, God!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, crap!" "Oh, my goodness." "Oh, goodie." "Oh..." "Oh, God!" "Damn!" "Oh, man!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, man." "Son of a bitch!" "He hit me right in the chin." "I'll see you at the office." "These documents need to be done on time, let me tell you that." " I can't believe he's making it." " He's rocking it out, dude." "Today we're going to a sperm bank for the first ever Jackass spermathon." "The events for which the contestants will be judged will be:." "sperm count, potency of the sperm, volume, and speed." "Let the games begin." "Stephanie will be our nurse today." "She will be transporting... the samples from the contestant to another nurse." "Now we're gonna draw the names to see who goes first." "All right, first..." " Preston." " I have the pole position... which probably is an advantage in this situation." "I'll have to set the pace time." "That might be hard." "I think I can handle it." "My dad was a Marine Corps champion at Parris Island." "Since one of the events today will be a speed round... who can deliver the fastest..." "Loomis will have a stopwatch, and he'll time the entrants... from the point they walk in the door to the point they walk out of the door." "This is yours." "We'll see you in a few minutes." " I just need to frisk you first." " Oh, rock on." " What's that?" " That's Little P." "All right, you're clean." "You're supposed to put it through there, fool." "This way." " Time?" " Five minutes and 50 seconds." "I'm a little nervous 'cause, you know, I'm with a bunch of dudes... and, frankly, I don't think I can do it around these guys." "See you later." "Did you walk in there erect already?" "No, it was kind of hard." "That was more minutes getting it..." " Up." " ...up than getting it out." "We're at 11 and a half minutes." "I think we're bound to be here all day." "Come on, Kosick, come on." "Where is he?" " Time?" " Damn!" "Thirteen minutes, 29 seconds." "I wonder if that's a bad thing or a good thing in the long run." "Good luck." "Break a leg." "I wonder if they can, like, smell each other when they go in there." " Doesn't really look like that much, huh?" " I couldn't get it up." " I'm tired." " Johnny "Pisces" Knoxville." "But I got to tell you guys, I got a secret weapon for speed:" "American Grizzly." " Thank you." " Put it in the drawer when you're done." " Read the instructions, too." " Read the instructions over the sink." "Paging Dr. Stateman." "Dr. Stateman, please." "Look at you." "Gross." "I feel kind of weird being in the same..." "Paging Dr. Bender." "I gotta come to terms with my sexuality." "I gotta know what I'm all about." "It's got hair in it." "How long was that?" " Six minutes, nine seconds." " Yeah!" "Oh, I'm in second." " All right, Wee Man." "You ready?" " Yup." "Follow Nurse Stephanie." " Here I go." " Have a good time." "And, begin." "I was not even half- cocked." " Oh, yeah." " It was like..." "It's like wet spaghetti." "Yeah, it was terrible, like, what the..." "'Cause I could hear Wee Man giggling outside... and that wasn't helping anybody." " Six minutes, three seconds." " Six minutes, three seconds." " Not much." " Not much." "But it's something." "Got dirty stuff in my mind." "I'm ready to go." "Thank you." "Have you been shaving your chest lately, Pontius?" "Oh, yeah, I did. 'Cause Manny does." "As soon as the door closes, that's when time goes." " I'm gonna get naked." " Hurry up." "Success!" "Every last drop." "Ten minutes, 52 seconds." "It doesn't look like much." "It's up on the sides." "It's moving." " Did I have more than Pontius?" " I think I'm in love." "Oh, yours is, like, chunky." "I'm gonna be so bummed... when they announce my sexually transmitted diseases." "Oh, here comes the doctor with the results." "Who's Johnny?" " Johnny, that's me." " You're the last." " I got the lowest count?" " You're the worst." "Not far behind is Preston." "Who is Chris and Rick?" " It's 118, and Rick..." "Who's Rick?" " Right here." "You give him this, he's 144." "Rick won!" "Rick's got good sperm." "Now he's just got to find someone to put it in." "I'm Dave, and this is full- pipe skating." "Going to the airport?" " LAX?" " Yeah." "Can you help me with my other bag?" "My back is bad." "Today, I am gonna do a little snow surfing." "You were so heavy coming down." "Excuse me." "Hi, I'm Steve" " O, and this is the crapper sled." "Here, get into it." "One, two..." "What are you doing?" "You know, I'm done with this, seriously." "Fine." "Pick him up by yourself, if you're so sick about it." " You make me sick of it." " I'm done." "Help me!" "Is anybody there?" "There we go, there we go." "Squirt him!" "Now get in there." "Get in there while Greg's there." " My face in the pee?" " Yeah, face in the pee." "Careful, guys." "Oh, Party Boy." "Oh, Party Boy." "Move him all the way up." " Hey, buddy." " I'm just loving this." "Oh, the pee..." "It's going way faster." "There you go, there." "Oh, his head's all in the urine!" "Yeah!" "Oh, that was so perfect." "The dog peed right in there." "That's perfect." " Stop, please." "Come on, don't do this." " Come on, dude." " Just give him a kiss." "Give him a kiss." " Just one kiss." "Come on." "No!" "Come on, dude." "Knock it off!" "My tongue slayed his ear." "All right, let's do it." "Let's do it!" "Brace yourself." "Just stay loose." " Hey, hey!" "Get out of here!" " Whoa!" " Get rid of that dog." " Get him out of here." "He's a maniac." "Hi, we're snow tubing." "It's awesome, huh?" " Doggie style." " Make way." " You fit in there?" " I'm Ryan Dunn." "This is a stupid idea, rolling down a hill." "Yes." "Let him go." "See you later, buddy." "Oh, my God!" "What was that?" " Are you all right?" " I told you that was a bad idea." "You all right?" "I told you that was a bad idea." " Oh, I can't even see." " You look like" "I didn't even go far." "All right, this is called nutball." "It's a game I used to play as a young child... a young boy, frolicking with my friends." "The object is to sit across the room from one another... and loft this racquet ball in the air and whoever can't take getting hit... in the bull's- eye anymore would be the loser... and the other gentleman being the victor." "Okay, resume play." "That was a bouncer." "See, I don't have as much dong to protect me." "I'm all balls." "He got the wiener." "I got a little... one down." "That's a bouncer, though." "That resonates nicely." "I gotta knock out Johnny fast." "I'm the veteran." "I'm the crafty veteran." "Hey, let me move over to this side." "I lose." "Hey, nutball's cool with me, dude." "This is to see who has to play with Steve" " O... throwing the bone across the room... which weighs, like, four or five pounds." " Draw another one." " Let's see what this next one is." "I have absolutely eliminated every last competitor... and now I'm drawing from the bowl to see, once the stakes are high... who gets annihilated by the bone." "That would be Ehren." "Steve" " O's the winner." "Hey, Chris, can you see the bug on my lens?" " Yeah." " Why don't you kiss him?" " Eat him up?" " Eat him." "I'm a vegetarian." " Did you eat him?" " I swallowed him up." "He flew away." "It's so fun." "It's way more fun than snowboarding." "Come on, Kosick, it's one of the last shows." "Just shave your head." "...you, man." "Dude, you look good bald already, you know that, so..." " You think I should do this?" " Do what?" " Shave my head." " Of course you should." "Or, you know, you know what he does?" "He gets bald and puts the..." "And he gets the thing bald." "And he gets a toupee and he bends over... and his toupee falls off in front of people." "There's the skit." " Let's shoot." " Okay." "So, we need to start massaging the scalp." "Sorry." "Hey, Rick, if you want to back out, that's fine." "Does that hurt?" "That's it." "We got to get Kosick a nice toupee." " Is this right?" " Perfect." " Doesn't feel like it fits." " It fits perfect." "Looks like Duran Duran." "Excuse me." "I'm Chef Dave and this is the omelette." "I want everyone not in a HAZMAT suit back against the wall... so Dave can make an omelette." "Let's start out with..." "How about the onion?" "Those are always good to start the day with." "'Cause there's a lot of vitamins in here, and of course... you don't need a knife the way we're going to cook this omelette today." "All the vegetables were washed ahead of time to ensure cleanliness." "A little bit of tomato." "Always remove all stickers." "Mushrooms." "Can't go wrong with mushrooms." "They go in any omelette." "If you're going to use real sausage... you might want to go with blood- borne sausages." "They're the best." "Get them while they're hot." "These are cold, fake sausages." "Get a few different colours for variety." "You want a rainbow in front of you when it comes time to eat." "Next up, we're going to need some butter in there." "Lubricates the whole meal." "Not yet." "Milk adds to the fluffiness of the omelette." "How much cheese you use matters how much you like cheese." "How much do I like cheese?" "A lot." "Today we're going to make a three- egg omelette." "Down the hatch." "Bottoms up." "Cooking is such a pleasure." "You know what?" "That's not going to make much of an omelette, is it?" "I'm going to need an extra one." "There we go." "Get a good shot of that, man." "Yeah." "That's what I call a good- size omelette." "Yes, coming along nicely." "Johnny, can you smell that at all through that suit there?" "It's just completely enticing." "Here, let me take the final temperature: 160." "See how the milk is just bringing, it's just giving a fluffy quality to it?" "All right, looks like we're about done." "It ended up more of a scramble... but that's okay." "I like scrambles, too." "Omelettes are my favourite, though." "I'm sorry there's not an extra plate..." "Johnny, I would have loved to offer you some." "No." "I'm good." "Love to start my day with this." "Would you like some?" "All right, that about wraps up our show this week." "Next week, pizza." "We're going to do bloody windshield today." "And the windshield will need to be broken." "That's bad." "I gotta think that's good." "Excuse me, can you help me clean this off?" "We don't car wash." "Oh, dude, there's a cop." "One second." "Oh, man, my parole officer is not going to like this." "Oh, God!" "It's a dog?" "Yes, yeah." "Dog." "My stomach is... up." "Please." "Hey, thanks a lot, man." "You really helped me out." "I just hit something." "Can you give me a hand wash?" "Sure." "I need it quick." "It's very suspicious that you guys are going to let him... go through your car wash like that." "Let's go, andale, andale." "Let's go." "I gotta go." "You gotta help me, man." "I just need some water to get this off with." "I had an accident." "That's..." "I don't know." " Is this from you?" " No." "Sir?" "Dude, they're calling the cops." "Ever since puberty, I've dreamed of posing for Playgirl magazine." "Today we're taking my vanity shots, and hopefully I will be accepted." "I'm not gay." "I mean some guys think that just because you're lubing a guy down... with lotion that you're gay, but, I mean, it's enhancing his look." " It makes him look better." " Let's get this going." "Lay out on the chair like..." " you're getting a suntan." " Yeah, that's good, that's good." " Tell him what you want to see" " I don't know what to do, man." " I've never photographed a man naked." " I mean, you've seen girls naked, right?" "This is so gross." "Can we get one with the finger in the mouth?" "No, that's good." "Go with it, shoot the pictures." "I'm trying." "Soles of your feet together and your arms over your head." "We can..." "Sorry." " I want one like this." " Oh, that's perfect!" "Make- up." "This is the sort of thing that you don't want in a photo shoot." "Like these blemishes, like, I mean, most of this can be taken care of... in Photoshop." "But this one is good to just bring it down a little bit." "A lot of the times you get frustrated with these long make- up jobs." "I think the photographer- subject relationship is a little tense right now." "Why are you shooting this way?" "You really got to get in there and work it." "Shut up!" " Hold your finger up like it's a gun." " Full male nudity!" "Wrap your legs all the way over and then put your arm behind your head." "Do we want to get some bunny ears?" "I'm lucky to have such a strong staff behind me... contributing different ideas for the shot." "Get on your knees, Chris." "Just make love to the camera." "Oh, Rick, you gotta get in there." "Oh, the tree fell down." " I'm in there, shut up!" " I'm staying right here." "Rick, come on." "The thing is..." "Sorry, dude." "There we go." "It's okay." "It's okay, dudes." "We're shooting for Playgirl." "All right, bye." "Well, I just got off the phone with Playgirl magazine... and, apparently, I'm not what they're looking for." "In my left hand I have some pudding, in my right hand I have a diaper." "When combined..." "I have poo diaper." "Hey, you guys got anything to eat leftover from lunch?" "I didn't even get lunch today." "I'm hungry." "That's a diaper." "So hungry." "That's a diaper, homeboy." "So hungry." " What are you doing?" " Riding bikes." "Got the condiments." "Oh, you sick..." "Mustard." "Mike!" "Help me!" "We're back here in Nipomo, California at the Gary Leffew Bull Riding School... for the backwards bullride." "...riding this one backwards." "Go on, shorty, go on." "Go on!" "Come on, shorty, come on." " It's easy as..." " Ready?" "I don't know..." "Do you wanna do this?" "He didn't seem to like that too much." "It's easier than hell to ride him." " Is it going to be that bull?" " Yeah, same bull, yeah." " Not all at once." " I hope they pay you a lot to do this..." "That looked cool." "You can't tell me that didn't look cool." "No, it looked good." " How far down on the side there?" " Quite a ways, yeah, quite a ways." " Little bit more." " Okay, when do I go down?" " Just sit in, just sit down." " Like that?" "Yeah." "Just drop down a little bit at a time." " We got you." " Put you hands through the rope first." "Drop your feet down so he doesn't push you off." " Drop your feet." " Drop my feet?" " Straight beside his neck." " Get a rope through, John." "Both your feet down and get your foot out of the gate." " Put it right down in there with him." " Okay." " Get ready, buddy." " Now, all you gotta do is sit back." "Okay, wait." " Ready?" " Wait, wait, wait, I'm not ready." " Ready?" " Wait, get your feet down." " Okay." " Drop them all the way down." " Let's go." " Hook him, hook him, hook him." " Hey, that wasn't eight seconds." " Do it again." "I gotta see the replay on that, that was cool." " You rode him perfect." " Yeah, let's see." "My goods are just bouncing up and down on his back." " You look good." "Yeah, I gotta see this." " Oh, my goodness." "So what's in the canister we're using today?" "Well, what we're using is liquid argon." "It's a inert gas." "Not hazardous to people, but will displace oxygen in the air." "If it displaces oxygen... are we in any danger inside the car with it in here?" "Well, since you numbnuts closed all the windows, then... yes, we are in imminent danger." " Hi, I'm Rake Yohn." " I'm Johnny Knoxville." "And this is a chemical spill." "Excuse me, sir." "Can you please stand back?" "We got about..." "Be cool, we gotta drop it off at the fourth house." "Don't..." "Yeah, we got a problem here." "We're gonna need a clean- up team right away." "We're at a junkyard in downtown LA... where today that big magnet is gonna pick me up... in this suit of armour." "Maybe." "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Nothing went right on this one." "This was like the metallic bread suit." "So, we're back in another scrap metal yard." "And we constructed a new magnet suit." "And Mr. England here is going to try it out." "I'm Steve" " O. I'm gonna go secure the streets of Albuquerque, New Mexico." "Everything okay here, sir?" "This isn't really the place to stand, right here." "Right." "Can I get you to move it over a little bit?" " Sure." " All right." " I've never been told anything before..." " Don't worry, you're not in trouble yet." "Just want to move you over a little bit." " How you doing there?" " How you doing?" " Alan." "Right on." " Are you..." "Hey, no." "I'm Final Frontier." "What's with Powell?" "Is that Powell?" "No, Polowski." " What's your first name?" " Sergio." "Sergio, okay." "Okay." "I'm pretty sure that I'm here to relieve you." "See, he ain't supposed to be here." "Man, you're not supposed to be here till 5:00." "I'm not supposed to be..." "This guy's not supposed to be here." " Who ain't supposed to be here?" " God." " What's your name there?" " Johnny." "Johnny?" "Right on." "I'm Sergio." "I'm supposed to ride around with you and you're gonna train me for a while." "So, I don't know, if you wanna just do a couple of laps." "So they told you I was going to train you?" "Yeah." " This is my first day." " First day?" "They've already got you training on your first day?" "God!" " Good Lord." " Yeah." "Here, why don't we get me in there driving now." "Yeah, I just want to learn as much as I can." "All right, let's rock and roll." " How's it to handle these speed bumps?" " It doesn't handle the bumps..." " very well." " Oh, man." "You got to be real careful with this thing, okay?" "Oh, yeah." "No, I don't want to get us in trouble." " Don't go on the sidewalks." " Okay." "Johnny, I'm all done, man, for the day." "Thanks a lot, man." "I appreciate it, dude." " No problem at all." " Well, I'll be seeing you tomorrow." " Okay." " Cool." "That was awesome, dude." "This is Steve" " O and this is Dave England... and this is ice block skating." "You know who's the best at this?" " I am." " Hey, try it again." "Don't touch him, step on him." "Phil gets off work in 15 minutes... and I have 20 paint balls up in this bitch." "And he's gonna... die." "Oh, my God!" "That... hurt." "Phil, I'm going to take it out on you now." "I just got a shot in the foot." "Phil, I got shot in the foot." "I was just testing it out." "It felt like this." "Today, Jack Polick and I are doing the bloody carpet." "We have a bloody mess here... and we're having a carpet cleaner come over... and see if he'll clean it up for us." "Yeah, come on in." "We got this big spot over here." "I don't know if it's gonna come out or what." "What is it?" "My roommate Steve." "His dog, I think, is in heat or something." "You'll be able to get it out, won't you?" "We can try it, we can try our best." "Honestly, before I even do anything, we really have to make a note, because..." "I'm going to have the hand..." "It looks more real from this side." "Hi." "...is it?" " Jack, can I talk to you downstairs?" " Yeah." "Excuse us." "You know, it's funny." "Couple of days..." "Couple of days ago, I was watching Discovery Channel... and you know this guy... that killed a lot of people and put them in the fridge." "Sorry, I'm not telling this happened here, but I'm just telling..." " Yeah." " ...dude." " Please, I'm taking care of it." " You do not want it here." "I got pepper spray, I got pepper spray here!" "I got pepper spray." "You did it." "It's okay." "He's all right, he's all right." "Just go upstairs." "Let's just..." "Just get up there." "You know, I've got to call my boss, man." "You know, this situation here..." "I know, it's all right." "Let's just get this done." "He'll stay out there." "What do you mean when you say, "You did it"?" " What was that?" " What?" " What you mean when you say" " I mean, his dog, or..." "You know." "It's his dog." " Jack, what's going on?" " What?" " What's going on, Jack?" " Nothing, it's all right." " Do you see that... cleaning guy?" " What?" "Yeah." "Quiet, will you?" " You're not taking care of..." " ...taking care of it." " You're not taking care of..." " Shut up." "I don't care whose mess it is, get him out." "Or you're next." " Yeah." " Okay." "I need to call my boss." "This situation, I need to report it back" " No, no, no, it's okay, man." " Let him go, Jack." " Just let him... business." " One sec, we're" " He'll keep it to himself." " Here, I'll help you out." "Hey, listen, turkey, this isn't..." " It's okay." " I'm going to leave a voice mail to you" "It's all right." "It's okay." "You don't..." "No, you don't have to call in." "What the..." "Come on, why is he still here?" "Dude, what did I just say?" "I think it's best if you just go." "Just go ahead." "Get out." "Get out, man." " Just go." " Where's the money?" "I'll pay you right now." "How much is it?" "If you know what's good for you, you'll keep this to yourself." "Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is Dotty Barnett." "And today I am 90 years old." "Look at her tush, mama." " No, don't you talk like that." " You've got a lovely tush, ma'am." " Thank you." " That's not nice." "You're welcome." "Say, I love..." "Can I, do you mind?" " What's that?" " I just want a couple of French fries." " What are you..." "Don't do that, Irving." " I want it." " That's not right." " Oy vey." " Go find a place to sit down." " Oy vey." "That's embarrassing." " You all right?" " Yeah." "Okay, Irving." " I'm all right." " Okay." " I'm all right." " All right?" " You don't want an ambulance?" " No, no ambulance." "Leave me alone." "I just want some soup." "Hi, I'm looking for some sunglasses." "Something very contemporary." " And handsome." " Handsome and contemporary." " And snazzy." " Snazzy?" "Yeah." "Are they good in..." "Can I look at them in the sunlight?" "Sure." "Has that sign always been there?" "The..." "What sign?" " Can I get the sunglasses back, sir?" " Oh, yeah, I forgot." "Look how pretty she is, Dorothy." "Look how nice her breasts are." "You know, you got to be a dirty old man." " He's getting worse all the time." " Dorothy." "Look at that butt." "Nice tush." "Hey, there." "How are you?" "Could I offer you some weed or pot?" "Marijuana?" "Here comes that son of a bitch Renaldo." "Where were you when I called you the other night?" " I don't want to talk to you." " I called you, you old putz." "Oh, no, no, no." "Oh, you little son of a..." "Thank you." "He started it." " Enough." " He's a bad person." "I know, it's enough." " He's not a good person." " Never call me again." "I want my $200." "Oh, my God." "What did you have for dinner, ma'am?" "I'm Raab Himself." "This is duck hunting." "He's dead!" "He's dead!" "We killed Quack" " Quack." "It went up his butt." " Oh, my God!" " Let me see, let me see." " It's right in the middle of the ass." " Oh, my God." "Where do you get the balls?" "Yeah..." "Damn it!" "Thank you." "I want to go right over here." "Damn it." "No, you stay there." "I got it." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Dorothy." " Are you okay?" " Dorothy, stand me up." " You want me to get an ambulance?" " No." "No ambulance." "You want me to get you something to drink?" "No." " I'm calling you an ambulance." " No, I need some shade." " You sure, you" " Just stand me up." " You're sure you're gonna be okay?" " Oh, I'm good." "Oh, man!" "I'm Steve" " O, and this is the double back." " I love you." " Yes, I love you." "I love you." "So, here we are today, on location... filming Shaquille O'Neal's new rap video." " This is..." " Wee Man." "God, that's the gayest way to introduce people." "All right." "You say it all." "The things the Jackass guys do, I do every day." "You can see I'm out here wrestling with them, I haven't been hurt yet." "I am the man of steel." "You see this?" " What was that?" "That was piss?" " He pissed in that." "Shaq loves Wee Man." "I carry all the weight around this show." "The highlights so far have been some poo- diving in the kiddie pool... a lot of Shaq humping Wee Man." "He deserved it though, he's been trying to hump me and wrestle me all day." "These guys are crazy." "Little kids, do not try this at home."