"[Knocking]" " Come on in, Klinger." " Yes, I know." "I didn't sign the morning reports." " Sir, it'd be easier... ifyou remembered to sign them instead of remembering you didn't sign them." " I'll rememberthat." " Wow!" "Look atyou." "You must have dunked yourwhole head in brilliantine, to say nothing ofyour shoes." "Just spiffed up a tad." "We've got company coming." "Don't I know it, Your Beau Brummellness." "Boy, whywould Clayton Kibbee want to come here?" " Maybe he wants to write about us." " gee, you think so?" " Wouldn't that be somethin'?" " Why, I can remember... reading Kibbee's Report from the Front during World War II." "Made it almost like being there." "Of course, I was." "What a day for us." "I haven't been this excited... since AndyVaripapa came to Toledo for a trick bowling exhibition." " You met AndyVaripapa?" " Met him?" " He gave me an autographed copy ofhis biography- - [VehicleApproaches ]" " Life Is a 7-10 Split." " [Horn Honks ]" "Uh-oh." "Must be Kibbee." "He's early." " How do I look?" " Like Cesar Romero on a rainy day." "good." "Mildred likes him." "Now let's roll out the red tarp." "Thankyou, son." "It's been a long time since I sat behind the wheel of one ofthese things." "Check the timing." "I think the engine was missing when we flew overthat last hill." "Mr. Kibbee?" "Welcome to MASH 4077." "I'm Colonel Sherman T. Potter, C.O. hereabouts." "How doyou do, Colonel?" "And just call me Clay." " Oh." "Well, thanks, Clay." "You can call me Sherman." " [ Clearing Throat ]" "Oh, uh, this is Corporal Maxwell Klinger, our company clerk." " Sir, it's an honor." " Oh, that's Clay toyou too, son." "Wow." "You're even nicer than Mr. Varipapa." "You've had a long trip." "Ifyou like, Corporal Klinger can showyou toyour quarters." " Fine." "But I think first we ought to get some of my stuff on ice." " What doyou got in the hamper?" "Six pints ofblood donated by some of my loyal readers back home." "I thought it'd make a good stoy, you know- follow each bottle from John Q Public to g.I.Joe." "One six-pack on the rocks comin' up, and I'll putyour suitcase in the V.I.P. tent." "Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, that's forV.I.P '. s." "I thought, since I was doin' a medical stoy that I'd like to bunkwith some ofthe doctors." " Doyou suppose they'd mind?" " Well, I'm sure it's all right." "Well, why don't we ask 'em?" "They're probably in the Mess Tent." "I'll betyou'd love a good breakfast about now." "I surewould, but I'll settle forwhatyou folks eat." " These biscuits are as hard as golfballs." " And guaranteed not to slice." "Who'd have thought I'd have a chance to meet a legend like Clayton Kibbee..." " in a place like this?" " It seems only apropos." "After all... the man is the consummate war correspondent, not to mention the ultimate sportsman..." " confidant ofkings" " And so manly and rugged and virile." "Remember, Margaret, it's not nice to drool on the first date." "And this motley crew is the heart of a crack medical team." "Folks, I'd likeyou to meet Clayton Kibbee, or Clay, as I- [ Chuckles ] like to call him." "[ Chuckles ] And this vision ofloveliness is  [Potter] MaejorMargaret Houlihan." " How do you do?" " Margaret, it's a great pleasure to meet you." " It certainly is." "He couldn't have said it better himself." "Mr. Kibbee, B.J. Hunnicutt." "It's a pleasure to meetyou." "As a kid, I lost some of my innocence reading your stories." "Ha!" "Well, I lost all mine writing 'em, and call me Clay." "Clay, Charles Emerson Winchester III." "I've been reading yourwork since I was yay high." "Well, that makes one ofus vey old, Charles- or can I call you Chuck?" "Uh, you c-can." "gee, I wish you wouldn't." "I'm Hawkeye." "I'm illiterate, but B.J. reads to me evey night." " Hiya." " How long areyou gonna be around, Clay?" "Oh,just long enough to finish myjob." "Whileyou're patching' up soldiers, I'm gonna write about it." "Clay is doin' a follow-up for his readers on six pints ofblood they've donated." " What a marvelous idea." " I think so." "It'll let the folks back home... feel more involved in this campaign, and they'll donate more blood." "Listen, boys." "Clay thought he'd like to get his medical info firsthand." "Okay ifhe bunks with you guys?" " Sure." " As long as my snoring is offthe record." "I consider it a welcome respite to share my tent... with someone who actually appreciates the finer things oflife." "Ah, you betcha." "And tonight, you can all help me appreciate... a bottle oftequila I picked up in Juárez." " It'll knock the clocks right offyour socks." " A man after my own liver." "Tequila." "Heh, heh." "Oh, bueno." "And when that's all gone, you'll love our bathtub gin." "It leaves a ring around your throat." " Oh!" " Come on." "Wanna see where we live?" "Looks like work before play." " What's up?" "Somebody run a light?" " I found him on the side ofthe road." "Both him and the motorcycle got beat up pretty bad." " How is he?" " Compound fracture, abrasions and who knows what else." " goldman, get a litter." " On its way, Doc." " What do you want me to do with this heap?" " Heap?" "This old beauty?" "Do me a favor." "Leave it here." "All you motorcycle nuts are nuts." "This bike is a classic." "These and Sherman tanks... were the most important vehicles in World War II." " And the bikes were tougher." " Is he gonna need blood?" "Yeah, I think so." "Looks likeyou gotyour first customer." "[ Clicks Tongue ]" "I guess I'm not much of a motorcycle rider, huh, Doc?" "Your riding's okay." "You gotta work on your falling down." " Where'd you get that bike?" " I swapped a Korean 1 0 parkas for it." "Those things are great hill climbers." "Vey big on the race circuit." "It's in pretty bad shape, butyou might be able to fix it up." "Doc, I don't want anything more to do with it." " Areyou kidding?" " Hey, that motorcycle almost killed me." "I'll be happy to take it offyour hands." "How much you want for it?" "It's on the house." "Consider it my thanks foryour help." "Ifyou can fix it up, more power toya." "great." "Eveybody should have a hobby." "By the way, yours should be resting." " What's the prognosis?" " I predict complete recovey ifthe carburetor isn't shot." " Uh, McKegney's gonna be fine too." " Hi, Doc." "greetings." "As winner of our falling offthe motorcycle contest... you've earned a free interview with Clayton Kibbee." " How are ya, son?" " The Clayton Kibbee?" "Shoot." "I've read your stuff. [ Laughs ] Well, how come you wanna talk to me?" "Well, the blood you just got was donated by my readers back home." "I want them to know what a fineyoung man you are." " Who, me?" " Betyourbuttons." "Hey, you've just received a wound in the service ofyour county." "That's news." "I wanna hear all about it!" "Now what kind of a mission were you on?" " Well, my C.O. wanted some papers sent up to H.Q" " Uh-huh." "and I thought it would be fun to take my bike for a spin, so I volunteered." "And you went into a dangerous area?" "Well, how did you get injured- a sniper, infiltrator?" "No." "I hit a rock, and the bike came down with me under it." "Oh." "Sory, kid." "Sounds like the only place for this stoy is in PopularPratfalls." " Don't wory." "I'll do somethin' with it." "What's your full name?" " Thomas Anthony McKegney." " And will you mention I'm from Livingston, Texas?" " Yeah." "Sure." "You betcha." "Well, thankyou, Thomas." "good luck toya." " Hang in there, soldier. [ Clicks Tongue ] - get some rest, huh?" "So, uh, what's the headline gonna be- "I Was a Klutz behind Friendly Lines"?" "Hawkeye." "Ah, would you excuse me for one second?" "Uh, it's, uh, a call to the wild." "Why, sure. good luck." "Ah, Lieutenant Lacey- no doubt curious about tonight." "I got it all planned." "We'll meet at the Motor Pool at 8:00 and drive each other crazy." " Hawkeye, I'm afraid I can't make it." " Can't make it?" "No." "I'm gonna have to take a rain check." "Your lips tell me "No, no." but there's "Please, please" in my eyes." "I'm sory, but Clay invited me to have a drinkwith him this evening." "Clay?" "A drink- ofwhat, prunejuice?" "Hawkeye, I figured you'd understand." "I can go out with you anytime." "Clay is only gonna be here for a few days." "He is so charming." "He's known so many famous people." "Oh, I know, like grover Cleveland, Voltaire, Pocahontas." " Don't tell meyou're jealous." "Jealous?" "[ Laughing ] No, please." "I won't even dignify that with a comment." " Oh." "Hoo!" " Marco Polo, galileo, Rasputin." " Does it say anything in there about distributor points?" " It's no use." "These manuals don't say anything about choppers except the ones that fly." "Well, you can close the book on this motorcycle." "Stupid points." "gentlemen, it's a beautiful evening." "Why aren'tyou enjoying it?" "Eh, this heap." "I fixed the gas tank, trued the wheels,jery-rigged the clutch." "It needs points." "I haven't noticed an all-night parts store in the neighborhood." "Looks like this is one Indian headed for the happy hunting ground." "An Indian Scout." "I rode one ofthose covering the march into Berlin." " Boy, was it fast." " I'll bet." " Had the same problem too." "The points were shot." " No kiddin'?" "Yeah." "But I got my stoy in on time." " Had a little trouble with the M.P.s." " Tagged for speeding, huh?" "No." "They couldn't catch me." "Theirjeepwouldn't start." "Seems theywere missing some distributor points." " You see, this thing uses the same kind." " Klinger" " Considerthem kiped, sir." " Now on yourway, Klinger... would you ty and reach the press train at Munsan?" " I wanna file my stoy on that first pint ofblood." " Done." " Clay, I don't know how to thankyou." " Ah, forget it." "When you get it runnin', you can give me a ride." "I must confess to feeling a bit left out." "Eveybody in camp has met Mr. Kibbee except me." "Oh, you'll like him, Padre." "A real man's man." "He can charm the pants off anybody." " Wouldn'tyou say, Pierce?" " Hi, guys." "Well, we'll soon see." "get me another drink." "Make it a double." "Myword." "That's him." "I wonder ifI'd be intruding ifl justwent over and introduced myself?" "gee, I don't know, Padre." "I mean, uh, the man's sparking'." "Oh, no." "No." "It's nothing like that at all." "No." "They" "Theyjust have mutual friends back in the States." "go ahead, Father. go on over." "Well, I would like to ask him about the Louis-Walcott fight he covered." "What a terrific idea." "Colonel, why don'tyou take Father Mulcahy over..." " and sit him down and just introduce him to Clay?" " Well, why not?" " Come on, Padre." "I'll do the "how-do's."" " Woman, myspecialbottle." " It's not a drink." "It's an experience." " [ Laughs ]" " [ Clears Throat ]" " Oh, Colonel." "Just happened to be in the neighborhood." "got someone here who wants to meetyou." " Father Francis Mulcahy, this is Clayton Kibbee." " Well, this is a pleasure  um, no, no- a privilege." " Ha!" "No, the pleasure's all mine, Father." "You know, I thinkwe might have a mutual acquaintance-you know the Pope." " Oh, th-the Pope." "Well, um, only by reputation." " Ha-ha!" "Well, he's a nice fella, and he always has good cigars." " Sit down." "Let's have a drink." " Don't mind ifwe do." " Well, Mr. Kibbee" " Oh, Father, please call me Clay." "Well, call me Francis, Clay." "You know, I've neverforgotten a wonderfularticleyou wrote... about the first Louis-Walcott fight." "Thankyou, Francis, you I rishman." "I never met one that didn't love god, a good drink and a good fight." " [ Both Laughing ]" " In that order." "Ooh, having a good time, or has the conversation grown dull?" "Oh, yes, thankyou, Doctor." "The four of us are having a wonderful time." "Oh, that's nice." "I always love to see the generations mingle." "Come on, Hawk." "Sit down." "Let me pouryou a drink." "No, thanks." "I'm driving through post-op later." "Wouldn't want to run somebody out ofhis bed." " Thought Winchester had the shift?" " Well, Charles wanted... to go sleep early, and since I had nothing to do tonight, we traded." "Clay, I got hold ofyour press train." "The phone line's open forya." "Thanks, Max." "Thanks." "You folks, excuse me." " I'll be right back." "Ooh, Hawk" " Yes." " You can show me where the phone is." " Right." "Okay." " I likeyou, Pierce." "You're a good kid." " gee, thanks, Dad." ""So there he was, trapped behind enemy lines with information that could save the lives..." ""of a company full ofbuddies he had been laughing with the night before." ""Escape was impossible, but 'impossible' is a word that has lost its meaning..." ""forThomas Anthony McKegney, because suddenly in the road ahead there was a motorcycle" ""a two-wheeled, 30-horsepower ticket to freedom." ""McKegney leapt aboard and took offlike a Sabre jet." ""Tommydodgeda rain ofenemybullets..." ""except forthe one that found his rear tire, sending him into a skid..." " that threw him almost a hundred feet."" " Wait a second." "Wait a minute." ""The injured boy was taken to the 4077 MASH, where two doctors..." ""who like to call themselves 'Hawkeye' and 'B.J.' put him back together- giving him a transfusion ofyour"- underline "your"- "blood." ""There's a pint ofnewAmerican type 'O' pulsing through McKegney's veins today." ""He'll be back laughing with his buddies in a week..." ""and don't bet he won't volunteer for dangerous duty again." ""For that first pint ofyour blood, mission accomplished." "From the front lines, Clayton Kibbee." You got that?" "good." "Wire it out tonight." " And thanks." " I didn't realizeyou wrote fiction." " Aw, come on." "I just enliven the facts a bit." " You enliven through your teeth." "What areyou complaining' about?" "You came offsoundin' pretty good." "That's not the point." "You make this sound like some glorious escapade- something evey American boy should aspire to." "In caseyou haven't noticed, this is ugly." "It is not exciting." "Underline "not."" "Well, you got that wrong, son." "Back home is not exciting." "It's the wartheywant to readabout:" "the romance, the heroics, the glory." " That doesn't exist." " That's why I'm here." "I make it exist." "[ Clicks Tongue ]" " I couldn't believe it." " [Engine Running Loudly]" "Kibbee had that kid yelling "geronimo" and crashing through enemy lines..." " with Old gloy clenched in his teeth." " Hand me that wrench." "I mean, he's- he's writing this up like it's an adventure stoy- makes Korea sound like a Boy Scout jamboree." "Yeah, he's a heck of a writer, all right." "Knows his way around a motorcycle too." "Hold this." "I'm tellin' ya, ifhe had his way, he'd make evey subscription to Boys'Life... come with a 90-day trial draft card." " I don't believe it." " Neither can I." "I think I got a frozen link in the chain." "Hand me that screwdriver." "What?" "So, uh, Beej, what doyou think of MacArthur... personally drinking the Yalu dy and marching his troops into China..." " and putting that screwdriver where it'll do the most good?" " That's got it." "Hereyou go." " And then he says, "Oh, don't wory, son."" " Pierce, enough." "I'm sure Clay included only those elements necessay to the stoy." "Oh, theywere necessay to the stoy." "Unfortunately they never happened." "He doesn't tell ya how to practice medicine." "You shouldn't tell him how to write." " I don't get this." "What areyou taking his side for?" " I'm not" "Pierce, you're imagining things." "I'm not take" " Whywould I take his side?" " Margaret?" " Oh." " I have this special bottle of Bordeaux for us for tonight." " [ gushes ]" " How wonderful." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I- Well, I have a lot to do." "I, uh" "Where are those... medicine things?" "[ Whispers ] Stop it." " Excuse me." " [ Chuckles ]" " good mornin', Hawkeye." " Hi." "I just heard you gave another pint of my blood to one ofthese boys." " Yeah." " I wish someone had told me about it earlier." "Well, it's nothing serious." "It's Private Belson there." "According to the report, he caught some shrapnel." " Shrapnel?" " Yeah." "Well, now we're talkin' war." " Hey, Private Belson." " Yeah." " I'm Clay Kibbee." " The newspaper guy?" "guilty." "Now tell me." "What happened?" "Oh, yeah." "Well" "Come on, son." "You can tell me." "Don't be modest." "Was it an ambush?" "Well-Well, you see, m-my buddy and I were tying' to catch some fish." " And an enemy patrol found ya." " Mmm, not really." "See, we go fishin' down at this pond, onlywe didn't have any rods... so we tossed in hand grenades." "They explode, and the fish float to the surface." "Wonderful." "Fresh fish filleted." " thinggoes off.next to me." " You were luckyYou were the one who got away." "Hey, you don't have to tell this right down to the last detail, do ya?" "Oh, you don't have to wory." "I don't think the real stoy has any chance of getting out." "You just let that blood we gaveyou helpyou heal, son." "[ Sighs ] Thankyou." "Dateline, Korea: g.I. wounded in amphibious attack." "Bites off entire school of enemy frogmen." "Hey, that's pretty good." "You're gettin' the hang ofthis." "I don't believeyou." "Don'tyou feel any responsibility at all forwhatyou write?" "Of course I do." "Look." "I came here to cover a war, and that's what I'm gonna do." "IfI'd wanted to do a fishin' stoy..." " I'd have gone to Wisconsin. [ Clicks Tongue ] - [Vehicle Engine Running]" "[ Others Applauding ]" "[B.J.] Yahoo!" "Hop on, Hawk." "I'll take you for a ride." "No, thanks." "When I'm feeling suicidal, I'll have seconds at dinner." "Ah, come on, Hawk." "Where's your gumption?" "Ifyou're offering' rides, I'm game." " Right." "I oweyou one." "Hop on." " Thanks, but how about lettin' me solo?" " Areyou sure?" " I told you I rode one ofthose all through World War II." " Areyou sure?" " I told you I rode one ofthose all through World War II." "Okay." "Watch the brakes." "They grab a little." "Ah, well, thatwon't bother me." "I never use 'em anyway." "[Engine Revs ]" "[ Others Cheering, Whistling ]" "[ Cheering, Whistling Continues ]" "[Man ] Yea, all right." " How about that guy, Hawk." "Isn't he something'?" " Yeah." "He's too good to be true." " Here's toyour motorcycle, Beej." " I'm for that." " Now that you've fixed it, let's hope it doesn't kill you." " You have no spirit of adventure." "Hmm." "Call me pedestrian." "I've just never had the desire to pull a handlebar out of my ear." "[Margaret Laughing]" "Yeah." "Then I went underground with the French Resistance." "In Marseilles they gave me the key to the city." "Didn't unlock a thing... but I did use it to py open a wine cellar." "[Margaret] You've ledsuch a fascinating life." "Somehow, it's just not the same anymore." " Why not?" " [ Quietly] Oh, hell... in the old days, ya had reasons to fight." "not like this- this, uh, policeman's tea partywe're in now." "I thought all wars were the same." "Well, let me tell you." "The other one certainly gave me better stories." "Uh, listen up, folks." "We just got some good news." "They've confined the offensive to one small area, so for the time being... there won't be any casualties coming ourway." " All right." " good news." " I guess my "No Fighting" sign worked." " Mmm." "Rise and shine,J.B.- or don't they do that in this man's army anymore?" "Who is that?" "Clay?" "What areyou doing?" " I'm offering you a little nightcap." " I'm asleep." " Make it an eye-opener." " I don't want an eye-opener." "I wanna be asleep." " I want to talk." " [ groaning ]" "I came all the way over here to see a war... and tell me- what do I see?" " Dirty socks." " Ah!" "Will you go to bed?" " You'll see things much more clearly in the morning." " I've got a better idea." "Why don'tyou and I get on your motorcycle and ride up and see the real war?" "Forget it." "I've seen the real war... and ifl could have, I would have walked out in the middle." " Now go to bed!" " Shh!" "Shh!" "You'll wake up eveyone." "[ Whispering Loudly] go to bed!" " All right, then." "I'll go to bed." " good." "[ grunts ]" "[ Yawning ]" "Okay." "Up and at 'em, tiger." "gotta make rounds." "Let's go." "When I'm president, I'm gonna pass a law against mornings." "It's gone." " [Hawkeye ] What's gone?" " Mymotorcycle." "It's gone!" " Well, you couldn't have missed a payment already." "Where is it?" " I don't know." "Maybe somebody borrowed it." " That lunatic stole my bike." " Who, Kibbee?" "He wanted to see the war, and now he's done it." "Hey, we better find him before something happens." "You're damn right." "I spent two days workin' on that bike." " [ B.J. ] You know where we are?" " I think Korea." "great." "We're out in the middle of nowhere... goin' somewhere lookin' for someone who's who-the-hell-knows-where." "Well, look on the bright side." "You'll probably get shot too." "[ Breathing Heavily]" "[VehicleApproaching]" "## [ Singing Weakly]" "Uh, Hold it." "Hold it." "Hold it." " ##[Continues ]" " I think I hear a battle cy." "Ifthat doesn't make the enemy surrender, nothing will." "[B.J.] Overthere." "##[Stops ]" " Oh." "Hi, guys." " Hi." "I'd offeryou a drink, but I ran out." " Yeah." " And I sat on my spare bottle." " What a waste of good booze." " Yeah." "I knew somebody'd come along... sooner or later." "I was kinda hopin' it would be the North Koreans." "[ Straining ] Wouldn't that have made a great stoy?" "I'd have to letyou know after I read it." "Severe laceration ofthe gluteus." "Yeah, I can see his cheeks are flushed." "He's lost a lot ofblood." "You got enough glass in your butt to make a rearwindow." "gonna have to remove it before I can bandageyou." "It'll hurt like hell." "I better giveyou some morphine." " Nah." " [ Together] Nah." " B.J." " Hmm." " I'm sory aboutyour bike." " Oh, yeah." "Where is it?" "Over there." "## [ Sings ] god!" "Uh, I think I got my patient under control, ifyou wanna check on yours." "[ Clatters ]" "[ Strains ]" "Uh, as long as you're not in any pain, just ty to hold still, will ya?" "I gotta get this glass outta here before it works its way into an artey..." " in which caseyou'll be in big trouble." " Right." "When we get back to camp, you're gonna need a pint ofthat blood you brought." "What kind ofstoy you gonna dream up for this one?" " [Glass Clinks ]" " I got a real fresh angle foryou." "It's called "the truth."" "Why don't you tell 'em some drunken old daredevil stole a motorcycle... and fell on his ass while he was out tying' to get some gloy?" " [ Glass Clinks ]" " Hurts, huh?" " How come I never read about that- pain?" " [Strains ]" "Just once I'd like to seeyou write about that... instead ofwrapping eveything up in gloy." "There." "That's the last of it." "What the hell is so glorious about that, huh?" "[ Clicks Tongue ]" "Ow." "[ Strains ]" "I think I'll giveyou the, uh, morphine now, okay?" ""As for the last two pints ofblood, there's no big finale, no heroes." ""They helped an old soldier who'd had visions of gloy..." ""but finally got it through his thick head how tragic and inhumanewar can be." ""Maybe he'll know better next time." "From the front lines, Clayton Kibbee."" " That's an ending to a Clayton Kibbee stoy I neverwould have bet on." " What a guy." " Indeed." " He broke my motorcycle." " Sounds like I actually got through to him." " Wait." "There's more." ""Next week, Clayton Kibbee's inside stoy:" "The exciting reunion... with myvaliant French comrades in the jungles oflndochina."" "Ah." "Ah." "There."