"It's The Muppet Show, with tonight's guest star Mr, joel Grey!" "# It's time to play the music" "# It's time to light the lights" "# It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight" "# It's time to put on makeup" "# It's time to dress up right" "# It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight" "In our house we use paper plates, and every night after dinner my wife erases the dishes," "# To introduce our guest star" "# That's what I'm here to do" "# So it really makes me happy" "# To introduce to you" "Mr, joel Grey!" "# Give 'em the old razzle dazzle" "# Razzle dazzle 'em" "# Willkommen, bienvenue" "# Our show tonight will feature" "# Some stuff that looks like this" "Yoo-hoo!" "Yoo-hoo!" "# But now let's get things started on the most sensational, inspirational" "# CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI" "# This is what we call" "# The Muppet Show" "Welcome, And what a show we have for you tonight," "How would you like to see 4,000 woodpeckers performing an aerial ballet while 8 7 gorillas and two dozen elephants do the dance of the sugar plum fairy?" "Well, forget it, Because instead we've got joel Grey as a guest star," "Which, in a way, is like having all the excitement of everything I mentioned without having to clean up afterwards," "But right now, let's get things rolling on The Muppet Show, where we have "Comedy Tonight,"" "# Something familiar" "# Something peculiar" "# Something for everyone" "# A comedy tonight" "# Something appealing" "# Something appalling" "# Something for everyone, a comedy tonight" "# Nothing with kings" "# Nothing with crowns" "# Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns" "# Old situations" "# New complications" "# Nothing portentous or polite" "# Tragedy tomorrow, comedy tonight" "# Nothing of fate" "# Nothing of state" "# Weighty affairs will just have to wait" "Wait!" "# Nothing that's formal" "# Nothing that's normal" "# No recitations to recite" "# Open up the curtain" "# Comedy tonight" "Well, the show is speeding along very quickly this evening," "Oh, yes, Someone must have told 'em it's harder to hit a moving target," "Hiya, Kermit," " Oh, hi, there, Fozzie," "Listen, you better go get ready, Go in the dressing room and get ready, would you?" "Dressing room, Uh, uh..." "I had a dressing room so small all the mice were hunchbacked, Ha ha," "Please, Fozzie, no jokes right now, I'm a tired frog," "Tired frog," "I knew a frog who got so tired he fell asleep during his nap, Ha ha," "Fozzie, what is this?" " Oh, see, it's my new act, Yeah," "See, it's jokes on any subject, You tell the subject and the bear does a joke on it," "Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead," " Fozzie, please," "Please," "Take my wife..." "Please, Ha ha," "Fozzie, why don't you just go in the dressing room and get ready, OK?" "Dressing room, I had a dressing room so small..." "I heard it," " Oh," "But what do you think about the act, Frog?" "Mm?" "Well, Fozzie, um..." "It's got possibilities," "Ah!" " Yeah, Why don't you work on it?" "Oh, boy," " Alone," "Oh," "Uh, alone," "Alone," "This bear was left alone," "Would you be interested in seeing the five Temptations?" "Could you just show me a couple?" "I'm not as young as I used to be," "Two, three, four," "Two, three, four," "You know, George, I come from a very old family," "Uh, mine's older," " Oh, really?" "How old?" "Uh, my family's so old it's been condemned," "Two, three, four," "Boy, my brother is really something, He's got girls eating out of his hand," "Oh?" "Is he a lover?" " No, a waiter," "Oh," "You know, I'm really stuck on you," "Oh, how sweet, You love me?" "No, I'm just stuck on you," "Ah!" "Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pride and pleasure that yours truly, Kermit the Frog, introduces the international star of stage and screen Mr, joel Grey," "Thank you, Kermit," "I can't tell you what a pleasure it is for me to be here appearing in the Muppet cabaret," "Never have I entertained in such a place before," "So unusual, So bizarre," "The most incredible nightclub by far," "# Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome" "# Fremde" "# Etranger" "# Stranger" "# Glucklich zu sehen" "# Je suis enchantee" "# Happy to see you" "# Bliebe, reste, stay" "# Willkommen" "# Bienvenue" "# Welcome" "# Im cabaret" "# Au cabaret" "# To cabaret" "Meine Damen und Herren." "Mesdames et Messieurs." "Ladies and gentlemen," "Guten Abend." " Bonsoir." "Good evening," "Wie gehts?" "Comment ca va?" "Do you feel good?" "Ich bin euer Conferencier." "Je suis votre compere." "I am your host," " I am your guest," "Gotcha," "# Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome" "# Im cabaret, au cabaret, to cabaret" "Here life is beautiful, The customers are beautiful," "Even the orchestra is beautiful," "Have you ever seen such a beautiful orchestra?" "Well, maybe in a zoo," "Even the dancers are beautiful," "If your standards aren't too high," "# Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome" "# Im cabaret, au cabaret" "# Wir sagen" "# Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome" "# Fremde, etranger" "# Stranger" "# Glucklich zu sehen" "# Je suis enchante" "# Happy to see you" "# Bliebe, reste, stay" "# Wir sagen" "# Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome" "# Im cabaret" "# Au cabaret" "# To cabaret" "Uh, another star in the tradition of the late, great Boris Klinger," "Boris Klinger?" "!" "Why, you old fool," "Boris Klinger was the worst music-hall act to ever step onto the stage," "In your opinion, maybe, but more than 2,000 people attended his final performance," "Yes, yes, Half of them brought the tar and the rest brought the feathers," "Hiya, Hilda," "Oh, hello, Fozzie," "Fozzie, have you seen my glasses?" "Glasses, glasses, Uh..." "I knew a minister once who was so religious when he read the Bible he wore stained glasses," "What is this?" " It's my new act, see," "Jokes on any subject, Yeah, pretty good, huh?" "Nothing stops the old Fozzie Bear," "I wish something would," "Wood, wood, Two bears go into the woods..." "Never mind, I've found my glasses," "Found, found, found..." "Well, joel, you know, I just can't tell you how pleased we are to have you with us here tonight," "Thanks very much, Kermit," " You know," "I understand that you come from an old show-business family, don't you, joel?" "Yes, actually..." "You appeared on stage at the ripe old age of ten, huh?" "Yes, - Yeah, mm-hm," "I understand you were also born in Cleveland, Ohio, but now you live in New York with your wife Jo, and your two children Jimmy and Jennifer," "Plus three cats, two dogs, a turtle and three Frisbees," "How do you know all that?" " Yeah, Let me ask you something," "Well, now that you're with us, why don't you, uh... why don't you just tell us a little about yourself?" "Actually, there's not much left to tell," "Oh," "Boy, what a dull guest," "Dull, my foot, Why, that young man is one of the all-time greats," "Do you hear me?" "One of the greats," "Well, you'll get no argument from me on that," "That may be the first time we ever agreed on anything in our lives," "No, We once agreed in the summer of 1 91 2, yes," "What was that?" "We agreed that Kaiser Bill looked silly in a hat," "Remember?" "No," "Ah, Turkey - land of my dreams," "All the Turkish delights - the Turkish women, the coffee, the towels," "In every way my heart belongs to Turkey," "But lo, what lovely Eastern maiden approacheth?" "Pachalafaka." "# Pachalafaka" "# Pachalafaka" "# They whisper it all over Turkey" "# Pachalafaka" "# Pachalafaka" "# It sounds so romantic and perky" "# Oh, I know that phrase" "# Will make me thrill always" "# For it reminds me of you, my sweet" "# Just the mention of" "# That tender word of love" "# Gives my heart a jerkish Turkish beat" "# I won't say "c'est bon"" "# Or "I'amour toujours"" "# For they can't express what I'm feeling" "# Even "mairzy doats"" "# Or other foreign quotes" "# Don't seem to be quite so appealing" "# But pachalafaka" "# Pachalafaka" "# Takes me back with you to passionate desert scenes" "# And it's where we'll stay" "# Till the very day" "# We find out what "pachalafaka" means" "# We find out what "pachalafaka" means" "Argh!" "You have got to do something about that Fozzie Bear," "Yes, he's driving us bananas," " Yes," "Yeah, If he don't stop with those jokes on any subject, I'll kill him," "I tell you, guys, I don't really know exactly what to do about it," "Sh!" "Here he comes," "Well, now that's a thought, see, If you don't like his jokes, don't say anything," "Oh," " Uh..." "How you doin', Kermit?" "How you doin', George?" "How you doin', George?" "Oh..." "I get it, The old silent treatment, huh?" "Gonna be quiet on Fozzie, huh?" "Uh..." "Let's see, Quiet, quiet, quiet," "Yeah, I knew a town that was so quiet, when someone turned the lights off, everybody yelled, "What was that?"" "No, no," "She had "yes, yes" in her eyes, but "no, no"s on her face," "Uh, tell you, Fozzie..." " Yeah, terrific, huh?" "Yeah," "Well, these jokes of yours are starting to bug everybody," "Bug, bug, bug..." "Bug out!" "Bug out?" "What kind of joke is that?" "Well, that was no joke, Fozzie," "That was my wife," "Hi, joel, Hey, why the hat?" "I got my new car outside, Gonzo, You wanna go for a spin?" "Sure," "Gonzo, Hey," "Relax, relax, I didn't mean actually go for a spin, It's just a phrase, like..." "You don't actually bite the hand that feeds you, do you?" "I mean, one doesn't eat one's heart out, does one?" "I mean, one doesn't talk through one's hat," "I hope not, I can talk for myself," "I think I'm going bananas," "I thought you were going for a spin," "You're in for a special treat tonight, folks, as Fozzie Bear, the comedy star of our show, displays his ready wit and nimble mind in a test of comedy that would stump the best," "You just name a subject and Fozzie Bear will instantly give you a joke," "So here he is now, the fastest fur in the west, Mr, Fozzie Bear!" "Thank you, thank you, Yeah, Mwah," "Thank you, Mwah, Love you, Yeah," "Here I am, Fozzie Bear, jokes on request," "You name anything, any word, any subject, and I, Fozzie Bear, will hit you with a great joke about it," "Don't be afraid, just yell 'em out and I'll yell 'em back, Come on!" "Amoeba," "Huh?" "He said "amoeba,"" " Hm," "Uh... amoeb..." "Sorry, no foreign words, Next," "The word is only foreign to you," " That's right," "Anybody else?" "Over there?" "You said any word," " And he said "amoeba,"" "Right," " Right, Amoeba, Uh, uh..." "Could I come back to that?" "Fake," " Fake, He's a fake," "Fake," " Fake," "Fake?" "Fake?" "Fake, am I?" "OK, That does it, Give me that word again," "Amoeba!" "Right, Amoeba," "Two amoebas walked out of a bar," "One amoeba says to the other, "Say, is that the sun or the moon?"" "And the other amoeba says, "I don't know, I don't live around here,"" "He did it, He's OK," "He certainly did, What does "amoeba" mean, anyway?" "I don't know, I don't live around here either," "Now the Muppet Players are proud to present a little-known classic of Arthur Conan Doyle entitled Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Disappearing Clues." "Sherlock Holmes here, Watson there," "Oh, Mr, Holmes, I'm so glad you're here," "It's murder, Mr, Holmes, Murder," "Just calm down, my dear lady," "Dr, Watson and I will have this case solved in no time, Right, Watson?" "Of course, Holmes can solve any crime by a simple process of deduction," "Yes, sir, The body of Lord Bottomley is right over there," "Great heavens!" "Don't look, Watson, It's too horrible to gaze upon," "What manner of fiend could have done this?" "Actually, I'm Fielding, the butler, Lord Bottomley lies over there," "He's been shot, Holmes," "Yes, yes," "Hm, Give me a moment," "Mm-hm," "Of course!" "I arrest Fielding, the butler, for the murder of Lord Bottomley," "Amazing," " Preposterous," "Elementary, The butler's fingerprints are on this glass," "Here is a photo of the butler committing the murder," "The weapon in question, registered in the butler's name," "And finally an eyewitness, the maid, who will seal his doom," "Excuse me, miss," "So you see, Watson, pure deduction on the face of the evidence brings us to the only possible conclusion, and that is that the butler did it," "But, Holmes, there is no evidence, so your logic is wrong," "Logic is never wrong, Watson," "If there is no evidence that the butler did it, and I certainly didn't do it, then the inescapable conclusion, Watson..." "Yes, yes?" " ... is that you're the murderer," "Mm, He's tough," " And the other inescapable conclusion is that, with no evidence and no killer, there was no murder," "Ah," "Gesundheit." "Tonight, the great Gonzo has dug deep into his limitless repertoire to bring us an act never before seen on any stage anywhere in the world," "And with his luck, it never will be seen again," "Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest of all Gonzos," "Tonight, dear patrons of the arts," "I will, with this sledgehammer, demolish this vintage automobile to the music of the "anvil Chorus,"" "After which I will eat the crankcase a cappella," "Yokels!" "Rubes!" "What do you know about great art?" "That does it, I'm giving up performing," "Hey, Gonzo," "You can call me "Great,"" "Listen, uh, Great," "I was just watching your act, you know, from offstage, and a couple of things occurred to me, as one artist to another," "Do you think I should wear a top hat?" "It's more than a top hat, Gonz," "I think it's the basic act, actually," "I think what you need is some pizazz, You know what that means?" "Let me show you," "# Just give 'em the old razzle dazzle" "# Razzle dazzle 'em" "# Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it" "# And the reaction will be passionate" "# Give 'em the old hocus-pocus" "# Bead and feather 'em" "# How can they see with sequins in their eyes?" "# What if your hinges all are rusting?" "# What if, in fact, you're just disgusting?" "# Razzle dazzle 'em" "# And they'll never catch wise" "# Give 'em the old razzle dazzle" "# Razzle dazzle 'em" "# Back since the days of old Methuselah" "# Everyone loves" "# The big bamboozler" "# Give 'em the old three-ring circus" "# Stun and stagger 'em" "# When you're in trouble go into your dance" "# Though you are stiffer than a girder" "# They let you get away with murder" "# Razzle dazzle 'em and you got a romance" "# Give 'em the old razzle dazzle" "# Razzle dazzle 'em" "# Give 'em an act that's unassailable" "# They'll wait a year till you're available" "# Give 'em the old double whammy" "# Daze and dizzy 'em" "# Show 'em the first-rate sorcerer you are" "# Long as you keep 'em way off balance" "# How can they spot" "# You got no talents?" "# Razzle dazzle 'em" "# Razzle dazzle 'em" "# Razzle dazzle 'em" "# And they'll make you a star" "Well, with an act like that, anybody can get applause," "Hey, joel, we really wanna thank you for being with us on the show tonight, and I want you to know you'll always be willkommen here," "Dankeschon, Herr Kermit, It was mein pleasure," "Keep working on that accent, it might come in handy," "Thank you all for joining us, and join us next week for The Muppet Show." "The Muppet Show." "More!" "More!" " Not so loud," "They may hear you,"