"The next award is for the funniest program on television, and of course it's a very difficult category, really, to define, because we all find different things funny." "One gentleman in this building has the job of deciding what will make all of us laugh." "He's the BBC television's director of programs, Michael Grade." " (FANFARE) - (APPLAUSE)" "Thanks, you're fantastic." "It is a difficult job." "How do you decide what's funny?" "What amuses you?" "I ring Sue Pollard and ask her." "You never know, the audience" "You just wait for the audience to tell you what's funny." "They write to you, they watch it or they switch it off." "You soon know very quickly if a comedy show isn't funny." "Yeah, you've got an interesting selection here." "I wonder whether there's a personal favourite in this one." "I'll read you the nominations and" "I will try and give them equal emphasis 'cause they're all wonderful shows." "The first nomination for the funniest television program is "Last Of The Summer Wine."" "The second nomination is "Bread."" "The third nomination is "'Allo, 'Allo!"" "and the fourth, "Only Fools And Horses."" "Right-oh then, in you get." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" " I don't ride." " I told you, she's pretty." "Hang on, hang on." "That feels a bit flimsy." "It's lightweight, not flimsy." "Prayers." "I don't see why we have to have prayers." "We have prayers because we're thanking god for what we are about to receive." "But we earned the money to buy the food." "I went to the market to fetch it, you cooked it." "What's god got to do with it?" "Close your eyes, Jack." "We thank thee, oh, god, for giving us the skill to earn the money to buy the food," "for giving our Jack the strength to carry it from the market, for giving me the will to cook it and for giving us all a gob to eat it." "There's nothing unusual going on in the village." "My braces." "Aah-ah!" "(GERMAN ACCENT) Why did this man give you his braces?" "It's a secret society, colonel." "Yes it is, it is "The Grand Order of the-- of the--"" " "of the Night-Owls." - "--of the Night-Owls," that is right, yes." ""The Grand Order of the Night-Owls."" "I am the Grand Master." "He is the big 'oot." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Excusez-moi, monsieur, je ne suis pas Française, mais Allemande." "Who?" " Allemagne, Deutschland" " Who is he?" " Germany, ya?" " She's German." " Oh, it's all right." " Panic over, Mike," " Rambo's cracked it." "She's German." " 'Ere 'ere 'ere." " What?" " I can speak a bit of German." " Can you?" " Yeah, I was over there at the start of the war." "Yeah, come on." "Sit down." "Sit down." "Come over here." "What" " Sit down, now listen to me" "I want you to ask her what her name is, you know, where she lives, her address and all that sort of thing." "Right, leave this to me." "Vat iz your name?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" " All right." " And... the winner is, winner of the funniest television program award is "'Allo, 'Allo!"" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUSES)" "And here to collect it all the way from France, Renée." "Well, actually..." "I mean, this would not be a prestigious award's occasion if we didn't have that immortal phrase, unfortunately" "Excuse me, hello?" "Mr. Edwards?" "Uh, excuse me, I'm sorry, uh" "I'm sorry about this." "I did not know I was supposed to be up there" "Thank you very much." "Thank you, oh" " Oh, well," " many congratulations." " Thank you very much indeed." "Thank you, uh..." "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, well, as we say in France, "flippy necks."" "You are probably wondering what I am doing in the middle of this exhibition of dining room furniture." "Well, I will tell you, but..." "Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once," "I was asked by the BBC, that is the Beasty Boys Club." "to arrange the catering for this glittering occasion and I was just about to put the plates with the sausage rolls that actually contains some meat onto a table over there when sir Grade made his announcement." "Right, it's mister Grade." "But now he has that mrs." "Thatcher on super store, how long can it be before?" "..." "Anyway, you could have knocked me up with a feather." "So-- on behalf of everybody" "On behalf of everybody in and around my little café in wartime France," "I say a very great many thanks to the young viewers who have voted us," ""the funniest comedy series on television."" "for the very first time this SOS star award has been given to us." "The BBC have a long tradition of making laughable programs." " (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" " And... and I hope, I hope, that when you see our new series which starts in the autumn, that you will feel that your thanking us has not been misplaced, so I will make sure that everybody in the café see this." "If Herr Flick has any idea of stealing it to sell after the war," "I will hide it inside a knockwurst sausage close to the portrait of the Fallen Madonna with the big-- you know what." "And so once again a very big thank you and as you say in England, "up your bottoms!" thank you." "(VOICES OVERLAPPING)" "See you later." "Gorden Kaye."