"Guys?" "Guys." "Josh is inviting a boy over for casual sex." "Really?" "Well, that is interesting, but also..." "who wants to smash a pinata?" " You made a pinata?" " Yeah, I made a beautiful pinata." "Why'd you make a pinata?" "What?" "What do mean 'why'?" "I mean why did you make a pinata?" "Would you ask a bird why it sings?" "(Phone beeps)" "Would you ask a divorced man why he joined a pottery class?" "It doesn't need to be questioned." "Ok, what's in it?" "It doesn't matter!" "Free your mind of all that nonsense and just focus on what's real, which is that we have a pinata." " Alright, alright!" " Ok, no, actually, no." "I thought you'd be excited." "You're not excited." "I don't want to smash it with people who aren't excited." " No, I think I'm excited!" " You're not excited!" "I need a moment to get my head around it." "It's a bit of a shock!" " Ok." " Ok!" " Yeah, I'm excited!" " Claire, are you excited about the pinata?" " Sure." " Yeah?" " Ole!" " Arriba!" "It is full of secrets." "You and Claire have been keeping secrets, and I don't like it." "I think we shouldn't keep secrets, so I have taken all our secrets and I put it in here, mine, Josh's, Claire's and John's." "What secrets does John have?" "John hates foreigners." "John!" "That does not suit you." "I hope that by airing all these secrets," "I will become the most honest member of the group and therefore a better person than both of you." "Alright, fine." "Stand back." "Go, go." "♪ One, two, three, four" "♪ Ooooh, ooooh ♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah" "♪ Ooooh, ooooh, ♪ Oh, yeah" "♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it" "♪ Ooooh ♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it" "♪ Ooooh ♪ I left better behind to be" "♪ Fine" "♪ Make my Mama turn another blind ♪ Eye" "♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah" "♪ I left better behind to be fine. ♪" "Arggh!" "Arggh!" "(Phone rings)" " Arnie?" " Joshie?" "We're trying to smash Tom's pinata, but it won't break 'cause it's a shit pinata!" "He finished the pinata?" "Oh, thank goodness." "I've been the only one he can talk to about the pinata." "Do you know what that's been like?" "Bad!" "That's what's been like!" "You guys are hitting it weak on purpose to protect your secrets." "I just cannot talk to you at the moment." "Ok." "I love you." "Have fun." "Ok, love you." "Have fun at maths camp." "(Laughs mirthlessly)" "Fun at maths camp!" "Tom, Claire, laugh at Arnold with me." "(All laugh mirthlessly)" "Maths camp!" "Ha, ha, ha!" "Bye." "Oooh!" "I got one." "One of mine." "That's annoying." "Annoying that it's one of mine, but that's ok, because I'm open with my friends, trusting..." "Just read it!" "'I knew Josh was gay when he was 18 because I found gay porn on his laptop, but I did not say anything because I didn't have the courage to bring it up.'" " No..." " Josh, you stole my youth." "I thought it was a phase, ok?" "Like Gangnam Style..." "Can you not be texting sex friends when my feelings are being crushed, please?" "!" "I have invited him over and I instantly regret it." " What's his name?" " I don't know." "Yeah." "What's in a name?" "It's not fair!" "Gay guys get everything!" " Oh, you get plenty." " Whoo!" "What's this?" "Oh!" "Yes." "So, Josh, you remember when you lost your passport in Thailand?" " (Laughs)" " Yes!" "And we looked all through your room and you asked me if I had it and I said I definitely did not have your passport." "Yes." "And then you had to go to an embassy in Bangkok and wait for three..." " Yes, I remember!" " Let me finish." " (Laughs)" " Let me finish." "While you also had diarrhoea." " (Claire laughs)" " Yeah." "Yeah, I found it." "It was in my bag in my passport..." "in my passport wallet." "Fine!" "Give me one!" " (Laughs)" " Claire!" "'Claire once told Tom that no-one in the world makes her laugh as much as Josh.'" " Oh, that's nice." " Tom, what the fuck?" "!" "He was never supposed to fucking hear that!" "I mean, what a fun game!" "This is a nice time we're having." "Ok." "Alright." "Josh." "'Josh thinks Claire's mum is a bad cook.'" "She's a great cook!" "'Claire thinks she is good, but she is not.'" "Oh, yeah." "I hate you." "Oh, my God." "He's coming over." "He said yes." " I did not think he was gonna..." " He's coming over?" "!" "I need you guys to come and tell me if my room smells weird." "(Sniffs)" " It smells fine!" " 'Fine'?" "Yeah, it just smells like you." "Like me?" "I have a smell?" "Not a bad smell." "(Claire laughs)" "Maybe I should light a scented candle." "No?" "No!" "Too creepy, too romantic." " What does he look like?" " Nice enough." " Show us!" " Show him." " Show us!" " Come on!" " Oh!" "Oh!" " Aww!" "Yeah, yeah." "He looks like a serial killer." " What if he's dangerous?" " If he's dangerous, I'll scream." "How will we know if it's a good scream or a bad scream?" "You'll... know!" "I don't make any noise during sex, ok?" "If you hear any noise, any at all, that isn't muttering apologies, then you should interject." " You don't dirty talk?" " No." " He can't dirty talk with that voice." " Yes, I can!" "I could, yes." "Er... suck it!" "Yeah, suck it." " (Imitates Josh) 'Suck it, suck it.'" " Eugh!" " 'Suck it!" "'" " Oh, it's really weird." "(Deep voice) Suck it, fag." "Suck it, fag boy." "You suck it, fag... fag boy." "Will he be ok with you calling him that?" "Yeah, I'm..." "I'm appropriating..." "I'm misapp..." "What am I doing?" " Reappropriating." " I'm reappropriating." " 'Suck it, fag boy' is empowering?" " No, Thomas!" "You're not allowed to say it!" "Arggh!" "I don't get to say anything." "This is stupid, yeah?" "No, I think it's brilliant." "I just wish we could stay on this couch and I'd wear a big jumper and we could make fun of people." "I just don't understand what your problem is." "Very frustrated today." "Well, you're not communicating!" " He's nervous." " About what?" "Like..." "I just sort of..." "wish he was a glazed ham, and instead of hooking up, I could just eat glazed ham." "Shall we guess why you're being weird?" "Do you feel weird kissing someone when you have a boyfriend?" "Yes." "But you're allowed." "He wants you to." "It's brilliant." "Are you worried that the stranger will be ugly, a creep, or a catfish?" "Yes." "Are you worried the stranger will think you're ugly and a creep?" " Yes." " Nervous about having bad breath?" "Well, I am now." " Well, you don't." " Not yet." " Gross!" " Gross!" "Not from sex, just if you, like, maybe eat some cured meats or..." " (Knocking at door) - (Barks)" "Go!" "Get!" "MAN, ON TV:" "It is feared that up to 270 people are dead after a passenger jet..." " Hi." " Hello." "Hello." "Erm, so I realised I, erm..." "yeah, I don't know your name." "It's Ben." "Let me guess, you're a Quentin or a Sebastian." "No, I'm Josh." "Yeah." "This is John." "Hello, dog." "Yeah, I have..." "Do you want a drink?" "I have wine." "Just spare, just spare in the cupboard, because I am an adult." "No, I don't drink." "There was a plane crash. 270 dead." "That's irresponsible." " Yeah." " Can we turn off the news?" "Yeah." "Shit!" "Sorry, yeah, right!" "Yeah, it is, erm... it is not hot." "No. ok, erm..." "Tom, where's the remote?" " Terrorism is a factor..." " TOM:" "One thousand apologies." "Search for the black box recorder..." " Who's that?" " That's Tom, my housemate." " Is he hiding from me?" " Yeah." "Yeah, I made him hide." "Erm, you said you had pizza." "How was... how was your pizza?" "Mmm." "I never ordered it." "Well, what did you eat?" "I mean, you need to eat!" " I didn't eat dinner." " Ok, well, I can make you a snack." "That's a thing..." "that's a thing I can do." "Ok." "Wonderful!" "Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!" " Sorry." " That's ok." "Oh, I have puff pastry." "I can make a puff pastry pizza." "I don't think I've had anyone offer to cook for me before a hook-up." "Er, yeah, ok, so, what it is, is it's, erm, puff pastry, but I was gonna turn it into a pizza." "It's a child's afternoon tea." "It's not, like, a grand romantic gesture." "I mean, maybe light a candle, but an oven?" "You know, I feel like Ted Hughes." "Yeah, no-one knows who that is." "(Snorts) Ted Hughes." "He was married to Sylvia Plath." " No." " She wrote Daddy?" "She gassed herself in the family oven." " It was a joke." " That is a horrible joke, isn't it?" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Where's your bedroom?" "Er... oh, erm.." "Yeah." "Mmm, hey, what's this?" "Ants kept coming in." " Well, are you gonna fix it?" "!" " I did." "Eugh!" "Oh, Tom!" "Why is everything in your room so sticky?" "!" "So many questions." "Oh, how long do I have to be in here?" "I feel itchy!" "Ok, so, if you're gonna be in here the whole night, you need to respect that this is my space and you chose to enter it." " What are we gonna do all night?" " I'm not going out." "I know, Tom." "Relax." " We could... make out." " Oh!" "Kidding, obviously." "Mmm, no!" "Jesus, Tom!" "It is the worst person!" "You have a girlfriend!" "This didn't happen, ok?" "Here." " What the hell is wrong with me?" " Yeah, you're really off the rails." " Erm..." "I'm gonna need some help." " Yeah." "What can I do?" "I need you to undo my little cuff buttons." "Thank you." "So, what do you do?" "Really?" "You wanna know what I do?" "Only, I thought it might be better than silence whilst you undo my little cuff buttons." "I'm a journalist." "Go on, yeah." "I thought we stopped doing that." "No?" " Journalism?" " Yeah." "You thought we stopped doing journalism?" "Yeah." "I mostly write for people who can take off their shirts on their own." "Do you know what I love?" " BuzzFeed!" " (Laughs) Fucking..." "Where do you live?" "Northside." "Not far from here." "Do you have any siblings?" "I have two siblings, a brother and a sister." "My sister just had a baby." "We don't know who the father is." "She's forgetful." "I'm an only child." "Do you have any pets?" "All the questions you're asking sound like we're in English language classes." "Yeah, I just don't know you well enough to know what questions lead somewhere interesting." " I have a cat." " Ah, that's a shame." "(Cuckoo clock chimes)" "So, I invented this game called Penis or Not Penis." "No, thank you." "That sounds like a stupid game." "Ok, one of us thinks about a penis, or something other than a penis, and then the other person has to guess whether they're thinking about a penis or not penis." "Oh, my God." "How long does gay sex take?" "I heard the shower, which, from what I understand, means they've had full intercourse at least once." "Tom, what are we even doing?" "I just don't know." "I don't know." "Hanging out, being awesome." "I feel like I just spent a month locked in a room to come back here to get locked in another room." "Eugh!" "You're being boring." "What?" "I'm being boring?" "You don't even want to leave the house!" " Whinge, whinge, whinge." " Oh, whatever!" " Whinge, whinge, whinge." " Fuck off!" " Josh is having fun." " Josh is having sex!" "I'm having fun." "Yeah, well, you are very easily entertained." "You're like a puppy." "You could be more easily entertained." "You could create entertainment." "You could very easily find sex on the Internet if you wanted, but you just keep waiting for more, and I just don't think there's any more, babe." "First you're like, 'Oh, my life's in Germany, ' so you go to Germany." "Then once you're in Germany, you're like, 'Oh, I'm so lonely.'" "Meanwhile I'm here," "I'm trying to create a lovely game of Penis or Not Penis for us, and you're just sitting there, complaining again that you're not somewhere else." " Penis." " Yes." "Yes!" "ok, fine, if we're gonna do this, I want stakes." "First one to ten wins and then the other person has to do a dare." "Great." " Penis." " Arggh!" "Penis!" "My housemates thought you look like a serial killer." "That's a big leap, isn't it?" "(Josh laughs)" "To decide that I don't just look like a murderer, but that I've murdered multiple times." "(Laughs) Yeah." "When you saw me, did you think that" "I looked cuter or less cuter than in my pictures?" "I thought you were out of focus in your picture, but that's just your face." "You've got an out-of-focus face." " Really?" " What did you think of me?" "Er, equi-cute." "I like your face, though, to be clear." "I am enjoying it." "Yeah, I just prefer not to bring it up, if that's ok." "People often ask if I'm an only child, but mostly what they're actually asking is," "'Do you realise you're being a jerk?" "'" "No, you know that's not an only child thing, ok?" "I'm lovely." "Lots of people say that." "They say, 'Josh is just lovely.'" "When I was little, my parents had me tested for Asperger's." "Oh, yeah, I can see that." " Not penis." " Damn it!" "(Laughs)" "Ok." "Mmm." " Not penis?" " Penis." "This is dumb!" "You can lie!" "It's an honesty system." " I wanna write it down." " No, no, no." "It's full trust." "There's too much at stake for trust." "It doesn't make a difference." "I can just write down 'penis' and then not think about penis to trick you." "There is no way that you can tell if someone is thinking about penis or not." "You can't." "I can." "That's why I'm winning." "(Laughs) Ok." " Not penis." " Boom!" "Penis!" " (Knocking at door)" " Yeah?" "Hey." "Sorry to interrupt." "Can I please have permission to go to the toilet?" "Yes." "Thank you, kind sir." "(Claire laughs)" "Yeah, Tom lost a dare, yeah." "Tom's a babe." "No." "(Phone vibrates)" "Who's that?" "Boyfriend." "It's my boyfriend." "Ok." "Right." "We're open." "How long have you been together?" "Erm, a few months." "How long do you think you'll be together?" "(Laughs) Erm..." "I don't know, yeah." "I think he wants to be together forever, which scares me a lot." "I don't, erm... want to be together with anyone forever." "Is he more in love with you than you are with him?" "No, not at all." "I'm less capable of love, maybe, but I'm definitely very into him." " Do you have a boyfriend?" " No." "Have you ever been in love?" "In high school I was actually in love with my best friend, Eddie, even though I was convinced he was straight." "One day he kissed me and we started having sex." "Yes!" "Hot!" "I've always regretted not having gay sex when I was a teenager." "Eddie would always say that he wasn't gay, that he just wanted to practise." "Mmm." "He wouldn't touch me outside of sex for the first few weeks." "I mean, that is the dream, isn't it?" "To have sex with Eddie and then get all tortured that he doesn't love you back." "Mmm, kind of." "Gradually we got closer and closer, and one night at a party I was sucking his dick in a bed..." " Whoo, whoo!" " Yeah." " Yeah, boy!" " This dick..." " Whoo!" " This dickhead..." " Yeah!" " Guy, walked in and started shouting and telling everyone to come and see." "Eddie told everyone... that he was passed out and that I raped him, which was unhelpful." "We never spoke again." "He committed suicide when he was 19 and I didn't find that out till three years later, but since your question was, 'Have you ever been in love?" "'" "And not, 'Will you please tell me a deeply horrific story?" "'" "I'll just answer, yes, I think so, to a boy in high school." "I don't know what to say to that." "I've never told anyone that." "Why me?" "I assume I'll never see you again." "(Phone vibrates)" "Tell me something you've never told anyone else." "In Year 5 I stole my teacher's brooch." "Why?" " For the rush of the crime." " What happened?" "She told the whole class that it was her dead mother's and that if the thief gave it back, she would not be angry." " Did you give it back?" " I buried it in the dirt." " You're a monster!" " Yes." "Wow." "Now answer the question like an adult." "Nope!" "No, just run through some things in your mind and when you get to a bit that makes you go, 'Oh, fuck' or makes you feel weird in your tummy, tell me that." "Ok, I'm an only child, right?" "Only child issues, of course." "No, listen, thank you." "So, my dad..." "Father issues, is that it?" "Will you stop categorising me, ok?" "I will not be categorised." "I'm sorry." "You're an untamed bouquet of emotions." "Well, so my dad, he's not very good at communicating with me, so instead he just talks about chores..." "No, that's not a thing." "No." "Well, is he a bad dad?" " He's a good dad." " Did he ever hit you?" "I mean, he is actually just so lovely." "You are bad at this." "Yeah!" "It's just it's complicated, ok?" "Like, I..." "I don't know how to articulate it, 'cause anything I would say about him I would then disagree with, ok?" "So, right, so, my dad broke up with my mum." "Whatever." "Er, and then she became bipolar." "Well, maybe she was always bipolar." "I don't know." "I don't really understand that bit." "And I definitely think he made the right decision, but sometimes I accidentally think my mum's mental illness is my dad's fault." "Ah, but I don't actually think that." "I have a cerebral aneurysm." "Oh, fuck off!" "You really kept that in your back pocket!" " Yeah." " Yeah!" "But you should know that I don't know what that is." "Is it a bad thing?" "Yeah, I'm guessing here it's bad, yeah?" "It's a bad thing, yeah." "It's basically a weak spot in an artery in my brain, and..." "I don't know, it's not precise science, but perhaps one day I could be doing something and the aneurysm will rupture and I'll die." " Yeah, that is a bad thing." " Mmm." " That is the worst thing!" " Yes." " Good evening." " Oh, my God." "You have to leave." "(Tom laughs)" "Um, actually I can't for 15, 14, 13, 12..." " Get out!" " 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4..." " Three, two, one!" " Two, one." " Fare thee well." " Fare thee well!" "Feel free to serial-kill them, by the way, if that is actually something you enjoy doing." "No, I wouldn't want to take an only child's friend so close to Christmas, would I?" "Oh, ok, so I just really need you to explain to me what you mean by a weak spot in your artery." "I think 'weak spot' is quite clear." "Aren't you just so terrified?" "When I turned up here and saw you," "I thought, 'What if I die in his bed?" "'" "He'd have to meet my mum." "Then I wondered if my mum would approve of you." "Yeah, I don't think she would, to be honest." "One time I put peanut butter on my face and let John lick it off." "Yeah." "Not as a sex thing, thank you!" "It just made me giggle." "Man, I would not have been able to do that if I had a cerebral aneurysm!" "'Ce-ree-bral'." "'Ce-ra-bral' is incorrect." "See, my mum would be so disappointed." "Yeah." "Do you really wanna be wasting time on semantics?" "No." "I'm not getting dressed as a hint for you to leave, ok?" "I just can't sleep without clothes on, so I'm getting dressed." "You started looking at me weirdly ever since I told you my brain could explode at any moment and I might die." " Yeah!" " Yeah." "Yeah, I think that's fair." " Goodnight." " I have to leave early in the morning." " It was nice to meet you." " It was nice to meet you." "(Kisses)" "ARNOLD:" "Should I go to the mall?" "What do you want to do at the mall?" "I don't know." "Just look around." "Maybe buy something." "I could just not go, though." "Well, what would you do if you don't go?" "Mmm..." "Probably get something to eat." "I could have a nap." "I'm also quite tired." " What time do you come home?" " Three-ish?" "Three-ish?" "I don't know." "Ok, well, what are the pros and cons of going to the mall?" "Ok, pro, it'd be fun to buy something." "Mm-hm." "Con, I just don't know if I can be bothered." "Yeah, no, don't go to the mall." " No, I won't go." " No." "I'll go home, but not yet." "I'll stay here for a bit." "Ok, yeah, good." "Glad we had this chat." " Good meeting." " Good meeting!"