"[cell door slams] [theme song playing]" "[cell door slams]" " Okay, hold it steady?" " Mmm-hmm." " Like this?" " Mmm-hmm." "Where do I cut it?" "_ [speaking English] Okay, fine." "[both exclaim]" "Beef Wellington." " What's this stuff?" " Snow peas." "Nah, uh-uh." "Peas..." "Peas are round and green." " This is like a watery brown paste." " The bag said "snow peas."" "Bag?" "I'm sure it tastes good." "[woman on PA] Don't forget, ladies, your usual meal is 1,500 calories." "Beware of overeating." "Well, this is disappointing." "Oh!" "You've got the poulet à la crème." "I didn't know what that was." "And..." "I still don't." "It's chicken in white sauce." "They should call it creamy meat gruel and not get our hopes up." "[sighing] Well, I guess this is the new way of things." "That's too bad." "I really liked eating." "It was part of my daily routine." "What is that?" "Shana Tova and Hava Nagila." "Hmm?" "Mmm-mmm-mmm!" "It is good to be chosen." "You have to be Jewish to get those." " They're Jewish?" " For this meal, they are." "Huh." "My Ralph is Jewish." "I guess if I marry him, I will be Jewish, too." "What are you doing there?" "Oh, it's the, uh, you know, the flavor pack from the commissary ramen." "Helps mask the taste." " Nice trick." " You live, you learn." "Count your blessings." "You could be eating poop Wellington with the rest of the gentiles." "[laughing] Check it out." "[Taystee] Hey, yo, what's up with that?" "I understand needing to join a clique." "But Norma?" "I know, right?" " [Poussey] She ain't that bad." " It's a cult." "Oh, but Washington like that shit." "I seen her gettin' the touch and stare from Quiet Fire over there." "What's the touch and stare?" "So she touched my arm and looked at me." "Jesus, so what?" "You think Norma is Jesus?" " I didn't say that." " Norma is not Jesus." " [Janae laughing]" " I know." "And Jesus ain't the messiah." "He ain't come yet." "And Norma is bullshit. [scoffs]" "It's people like that that give religion a bad name." "[Coates] Doggett." "You're Doggett, right?" "Yeah." " Yeah." "Uh, hey, I'm Charlie." " Hey." "New here." "So, uh..." "They told me to tell you that we need to take the van into town to the hardware store, and I'm gonna go with you, if that's okay." "I mean, obviously, it's all right, because I'm..." " [footsteps approaching] - [chatter on walkie-talkie] [softly] I'm sorry." "I'm not used to giving orders." "All right." "I can help you through that." "You got the keys to the van?" " The keys?" "No." " You don't?" "Well, you're supposed to check them out at the front." "You want me just to go with you?" " Okay." "Thanks." " Yeah, no problem." "[Alex] What are you doing?" "Oh." "Hey." "This is your... cube?" "I was just trying to get some ideas for, like, how to decorate." "Put some pictures on the wall." "Great idea." "That's your family?" "It's my bunkie's." "Oh." "So, that's your side." "Right." "See, that makes more sense." "You want to get the fuck out of my cube now?" "[scoffing]" "You ain't got to be rude about it." "[priest] A life is like a church, built on the foundation of family, supported by the load-bearing arches of friends and co-workers, and filled with love." "Diane's life, like all of our lives, was defined by the love and generosity she showed to others, from the homeless she served Thanksgiving dinner to at the local shelter, to the rescue dogs she raised with patience and care," "and the love she felt for her daughter, Alex, the world traveler, of whom she was so proud." "The world is a better place for Diane, and though she's left us, her legacy of love will live on." "Is there anything anyone would like to add?" "Mmm-mmm." "[Fahri] Hey." "Need a ride?" "Fahri?" " What are you doing here?" " Get in." "[Alex] God, that was the saddest thing ever." "The priest had this... eulogy he must have printed from the Internet." "Was talking about how great it was to have all these people gathered to remember Diane when there was literally no one there." "Two waitresses from the diner and her next-door neighbor from her trailer park." "You were there." "I should have come back sooner." "[voice breaking] I should have visited." "You didn't know this was going to happen." "No blaming yourself." "You got to be strong." "Can I blame Piper for not even fucking being here?" "Yes... absolutely." "Fuck that bitch." "She didn't deserve you." "Want a bump?" "You just told me to be strong." "[chuckles]" "Yeah, but you don't have to be a puritan about it." "[laughs]" " [sniffing]" " What are you even doing here?" "I thought you were supposed to be in Paris." "Kubra had me come stateside to check out some new business." "[sniffing] Mmm." "I'm going back tomorrow." "Want to come?" " Back to Paris?" " Yes... it'll be good." "Process your grief in the City of Light." "Somehow I feel like we wouldn't be sitting Shiva." "We all process in our own way." "[both laugh]" "And there's all these new COs around here." " Mmm-hmm." " "What are you?" "Do you still have your you-know-what?"" "That must get tiring." "I should hang a slip of brochures on my back for "frequently asked questions about being transgender."" "[Crystal chuckles]" "Hey, uh, Michael, Benny, I'm about to make dinner." " Benny's staying for dinner?" " Uh-huh." " Hey!" "Oh, Michael, what is that?" " String cheese." "God." "Thanks, Michael's Mom." "Did I tell you he started wearing cologne?" "Oh, no." "Sprays it on like it's insect repellant." "When I told him he might want to ease up, he told me to stop "riding his dick."" "You need to shut down that attitude fast." "Oh, my." "He's got attitude, all right." "But it's more than that." "He brought a girl home last night." "Snuck her upstairs while I was watching TV." "I'm gonna need to step up my game." " But you caught him?" " They were making out." "I sent her home." "It's not gonna be that kind of household." "Well, you know, I hate to say it, but maybe it's not a good idea he spend so much time with Benny." "[stuttering] Benny?" "What does Benny have to do with it?" "[chuckles] Well, he's obviously a nice boy and all, but he's from a rougher neighborhood." "It's a different culture." "No, this isn't about Benny." "This is about Michael not rushing into sex and respecting women." "Did you tell Michael that he should find an insecure girl for practice?" " He told you that?" " Yeah... he told me that." "[Chang] Next." "Give me four shrimp ramens." "All gone." "Uh, fine, I'll take the chicken." "All gone." "All the flavors, even the one that tastes like floor cleaner... sold out." "Jesus, who bought all the ramens?" "[Piper] Nobody can stomach the new food, right?" "I've decided to invest in flavor futures." "And I have cornered the market." "This is how we get the girls to wear the panties." "You are one clever asshole." "It's all happening." "So, have you talked to the guard?" "Not yet." " Alex..." " I'll get to it." " I've had other things on my mind." " Like what?" "I caught that Lolly person snooping in my cube this morning." " So?" " So, she's freaking me out." "I see her everywhere." "You see me everywhere." "But as we've already established..." "I have not been sent by Kubra to kill you." "Killers don't look like killers if they're good at their jobs." "Alex, if we do not move this product out of here, we are dead in the water." "You know, I'm actually not sure that I'm the right person for this job." " You were a professional recruiter." " Of women." "Men are even easier." "With women, you need to build trust." "Men just need the promise of sex." "And the promise of sex is free." "And what happens when they come to collect on that promise?" "Worst case scenario, you give the dude a hand job." "Well, it sounds like you got this down." "You're lower on the Kinsey Scale than I am." "Go for it." "[pounding techno playing]" " [Fahri] No, I'm done." " What do you mean, "no"?" "I got to pick up Misty from the airport." "Tell the bitch to take a taxi. [chuckling]" "That's not how we do it." "Why not?" "I mean, she's a trained professional." "If she can't find her way back home from the airport, we got bigger problems." "Give her a chance to show us how scrappy she is." "Right?" "Up to you, Fahri." "Come on, Fahri." "Oh." " Fuck it." " Whoo-hoo!" "[all laughing]" "[exhales sharply]" "Let's dance." "[Alex sighs]" "This was such a good idea to come back here." "What?" "I thought it was ruined for me because of Piper, but fuck Piper." "She can't dance, anyway." "I'm here for Diane." "She loved to dance." "Mamazing dancer." "Did you hear that?" "I just said "mamazing."" "Mamazing." "[Fahri] Mamazing." "Oh, my God, your shoulder feels so good." " Does it always feel like that?" " [cell phone vibrating]" "[Alex laughing]" "Hey, can we do... a bump?" "I could use a little pick-me-up." "Fuck." "What's wrong?" "[club door closes]" "Yes." "So, what's up?" "She got arrested." "Hey, yo!" "[chuckles]" "You done with that new chapter yet?" "I just gave you a new chapter last night." "Yeah, but I finished that." "All right." "My bad, I get it. [laughs]" "Yo, how long it's gonna take you to finish that one?" " Ugh." " [inmate] Hey." " Are you S.R. Warren?" " Yes." "Well, I want you to know that I think there wasn't enough Rodcocker in the last chapter." "Yeah, that's 'cause Edwina left Rodcocker for Gilly." "[inmate] Yeah, but he's coming back, right?" "I mean, Gilly's a wuss, and Rodcocker is a time humper." "No, Gilly is the only one that actually loves her." "I mean, when Edwina's with Admiral Rodcocker, he not even fully present, 'cause he also be with other women in other dimensions." "Which is why he's so boss." "I just want to say, I'm also on Team Rodcocker, but I like that dude you introduced in chapter three who was made of Vaseline." "Ooh, I don't know why, but that shit was hot... but also tragic." " Yo, yo, yo." " Ugh." "But Edwina gonna stay with Gilly, right?" "Rodcocker is the reason people reading this shit." "Yo, yo, is the Vaseline dude coming back?" "I don't know!" "I don't know what is going to happen." "And if you guys don't get out of here, I can't write it to find out." "So... if you love Time Hump Chronicles, please..." "leave." "All right." "Just, uh..." "Just hurry up, okay?" "[sighs]" " You know, I just think that..." " Uh-uh-uh." "Right." "Right." "[sighs]" "[sighs]" "[Lorna exclaims]" "Looks like I got another one!" " Hey, the..." " What'd I tell you?" "Pawns are called pawns for a reason, hmm?" "They're mine sweepers." "Uneducated militants with suicide vests." "You must protect your important people." "All of my people are important people, and I mourn them all equally." "[stammering] I mean, just 'cause you're a horsey" " or you can move diagonally..." " "Horsey."" "...does not mean you are better than the little nubby guy who moves one spot at a time." "Chapman, why are you so smiley?" "Perhaps you've noticed the food is inedible now." "If you took a shit, then your shit took a shit, and became Mayor of Detroit, that wouldn't even come close to the level of shittiness of that food." "Well, my sisters... fear not... for I possess the keys to the gastrointestinal kingdom." "Ramen flavor packets?" "You're the one who bought out the commissary." "Yes, I did." "But I'm willing to share... if you accept my proposal." "Nay... my invitation... to join me on a... miraculous adventure." " What the fuck are you talking about?" " I need your panties." "What?" "Well, I will give you the panties, but I need you to wear them." "I need your vag sweat." "And maybe some, um, colorless discharge." "I'm starting a business selling stinky panties to perverts." "That's the miraculous adventure?" "It's easy." "I give you flavor packets, and you give me something you're, uh... you're already giving away for free." "And then you get to keep the money." "And you are supporting a local business, keeping jobs right here at home." "I'm like American Apparel," " with less implied statutory rape." " [chuckles]" " It's disgusting." " [Piper] I understand." "I, too, was once embarrassed and squeamish by my personal... eau de parfum." "But then I thought, "Why should I be ashamed?" "Isn't that a part of the self-hatred that has been bred into me by the patriarchy?" "And are those same men that would shame me not the same men that would wear my panties on their faces, inhaling deeply?"" "Ladies, now is the time to be bold." "For when these men smell your panties, they are smelling your character." "Let them smell daring and courage." "Let them smell women who are unabashed and un-self-conscious." "And let them say that Litchfield..." "Litchfield is a place where women love their bodies and have love to spare." "Sisters, we may be incarcerated, but our panties will travel the world." "And in that way... long after we are gone... our smell... our smell will linger... in some... gas station in Toronto, in some office cubicle in Tokyo." "And in that way, we are known." "And in that way, we are remembered." "Do you want to be remembered?" "Yeah." "Then sweat profusely, and fart with abandon, and make a reek." " Make a reek, my sisters!" " [door opening]" "Make a reek to last 1,000 years!" "Get off the table." "Sorry." "Got carried away." "So... what do you say?" "Fine by me." "Yeah." "You had me at flavor packets." "So... [sighs] what seems to be the problem?" " I'm depressed." " Yes." "I've noticed you don't have any friends." "You have?" "But that's a good thing." "I mean, it's best to keep to yourself in here, really." "I don't want to keep to myself." "I want friends." "But everyone thinks I'm a blabbermouth." "Like, it's this thing, that everyone says about me, but I don't even talk that much anymore, 'cause I'm afraid to, because every time I talk, someone just tells me to shut up and then calls me a blabbermouth." "But I can't make friends unless I talk to people, so it's like a catch-22." "I understand." "The only place I feel like I can really talk without getting jumped on is in Berdie's drama class." "That's why I wanted to talk to you." "Is it possible to change counselors?" "Well, you..." "You can't really... switch counselors." "Unfortunately, you know." "But if you're depressed, I can write a recommendation for the administration of appropriate medication." "I don't like putting chemicals in my body that aren't found in nature." " Well, do you want to get better, or not?" " I do." "Then you gotta take the bull by the horns." "People aren't gonna want to be friends with you if you're moping around... because sad people are depressing... right?" "[scribbling]" "Take this to medical." "See what they can do." "Okay." "Hey... you want to know the secret about depression?" "It's all in your head." " Hey, what's wrong with you?" " My back hurts." "Down low?" "It's the baby pushing up against your sciatic nerve." "You should get someone to rub your feet." "You still meeting with Lady 'Stache later?" " Yeah." " And?" "I don't know." "Why do you keep on pressuring me?" "This is my decision." "It's my baby." "And my granddaughter." "[Aleida sighs]" "I'm trying to help you." "You can't think for yourself with a thing inside you." "They're like aliens." "They take over your faculties." "I don't think it's so wrong to not want to give up my baby." "[scoffs] That's what animal hoarders say a week before their houses get condemned." "You got to realize, this is not for you." "It's for her." "A better life." "Washers and dryers in the building... math tutor... shit involving horses..." "If I really love her, money shouldn't matter." "Daya, stop being such a selfish bitch and commit to this now, because if you're still on the fence when this thing comes out of you, you're gonna keep it." "Do the right thing." "Hey, buddy." "I just got off the phone with Linda from HQ, and she had a question about this purchasing order." "Well, purchasing is not my department, actually." "You might want to talk to Cheryl or Mark, or some other human being I never even met." "[chuckling] I know." "The bureaucracy is just yeesh, right?" "But, uh, I thought you could shed some light on this." "It seems like we're giving out a lot of kosher meals, and, uh... these numbers have spiked." "But how can there be, uh..." "this many Jews in here?" "I mean... [stuttering] who are the Jews?" " I know." "It's confusing, right?" " Yeah." "We used to have them wear the Stars of David, but we had to stop doing that after World War II." " I don't remember why." " [Pearson laughs]" "Easy." "I, uh..." "Are you mad at me about something?" " No." " You sure?" "Seemed like you're a bit hostile today." "All week you've been coming to me with cuts." "You haven't approved a single new line item for expenditures." "We need books in the library." "Buddy, it's a process." "I submitted your request to Tim in HR, and Tim said he likes books." "So we're 100% behind the idea of a library." "It's just hard to justify the expenditure when we can get books as donations." "Are we gonna get the specific books that help the inmates with their case work as donations?" "What about allotments for higher education and new job training?" "I would like to see all of that happen." "Mmm." "But you are one small head on a many-headed Hydra." "[sighs] I'm gonna bring up all these things at the meeting today." "Meeting?" "In, uh..." "In Utica." "It's just a general reporting thing." "[stammering] I've been asking for a meeting." "You didn't invent the idea of having a meeting." "It's, uh..." "It's just department heads, you know." "And Huey Strath, our CEO, is in town." "[stammering] And you don't want to be there." "I mean, I am with you, man." "I mean, we need more cash-flow expenditures." "For reals, yo." "Don't worry." "I got your back, buddy." "[Caputo] I wouldn't be so quick to cut the kosher-meal program, by the way." "You may save some dollars and cents now, but it will pale in comparison to the lawsuit from the Civil Liberties Union." "You see?" "That's why I consult with you." "You have the experience to know these things." "I'm so glad we kept you around." "Was there talk of not keeping me around?" "[Pearson] See ya later, buddy." "I can't believe they let you drive." "Seems like a really bad idea." "Oh, yeah?" "Why?" "'Cause I'm little?" "Hmm." "No, I'm actually a really good driver." "And this van, it ain't nothing." "I've driven a tow truck, a dump truck." "I've even driven three different haulers for a guy I knew who stole trucks." "No, but, I mean..." "Like, it doesn't seem safe." "Oh, yeah." "'Cause I'm, like, a really dangerous inmate." "I could probably drive us right off the road at any second." "[laughs] It's true." "Vehicular homicide." "And a suicide." "And if we were to run into a king, that would be regicide." "Did you know that's what "regicide" meant?" "Nah." "You know, there really isn't anything that you can't kill with a freakin' V8, man." "Well, I mean, unless it's like an elephant or, like, a dinosaur." "Uh, hey, can you pull in here a sec?" "[Pennsatucky] Sure, for what?" "Over here." "I want to pick up my paycheck." " Okay." " Right over here." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." " You work at a donut shop?" " Yeah." "That is so cool!" " [Pennsatucky laughs]" " Uh..." "Thanks." "So, uh, do I..." "I just leave you in the van?" "Absolutely, just leave me in the van unattended." "It'll be a-okay." " Really?" " No, man." " What's wrong with you?" " Sorry." " Come on." " Sorry." "All right, well..." "I'm gonna show you." "You'll get the hang of this." "[sewing machines whirring]" "So what's the deal with you and this Alex girl?" "What do you mean, "What's the deal?"" " Is she your girlfriend?" " Yes, she's my girlfriend." "And your business partner in the panty business?" " Yes." " But you thought of it." "I did." "I did think of it, yes." "So what does she do?" "Well, aren't you Curious George?" "Why do you keep smiling at that guard?" "[stuttering] Oh, I smile at everybody." "My brother, he used to call me "Chummy Chapman."" "And you can stop interrogating me now." "You're flirting with him." "You need him to move the panties out." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Um..." "Excuse me, Officer?" "I think the tension on my machine needs to be... adjusted." "Should I talk to Mr. Turner?" " Uh, he just went to the bathroom." " Maybe you could help me." "Or should I look at that diagram again?" " What diagram?" " The one on the wall." " Yeah, okay." " Okay." "Looks like there's a knob on the front right here." "[Piper] Right... there." "Oh." " Psst!" " [Piper] No, I knew that." "And I..." "I knew it was right there, and then I forgot, and then the thread just keeps... breaking, and I have to keep..." "rethreading... my bobbin." "Ah, no." "Uh, the..." "The..." "The knob on the front, that..." "That's probably the one that... uh, reduces the tension..." "Bobbins. [chuckles nervously]" "Thank you, Officer." " [stammers] No problem." " Okay." " You think this is poison ivy?" " [gasps] Jesus." "I don't know." "Well, don't worry." "I ain't gonna rub it on you." "I don't think so." "Are you sure?" "They got that saying." "How's it go? "Leaves of three..."" "Come on, it's a thing." "I don't know." "Okay, I'm sorry." "[Alex] Fahri, we're overreacting." "I mean, yeah, okay, we fucked up." "But Kubra will understand." "There were extenuating circumstances." "The only thing that Kubra will understand is that we cost him money..." "and left him exposed." "We should have been there to pick her up." "Fuck." "Well, we can't stay in this hotel room forever." "We need to make some kind of a decision." "[knocking on door]" "Did you tell anyone we were here?" "No, I've been with you the whole time." " Then who the fuck is that?" " I don't know." " Fuck!" "Fuck!" " [knocking continues]" "Fahri, you're frazzled." "You haven't slept." "Don't do anything crazy." " [gun cocking] - [speaking French]" " [man] Room service." " [groans]" " What?" " You ordered the Croque Madame, remember?" "Oh. [laughs]" "Right." " Jesus Christ, Fahri." " [door opens]" "[Alex sighs] [door closes]" "_ [speaking English] Wherever." "I lost my appetite." "Look, these kinds of things happen." "It's the price of business." "You don't know him like I do." "[Alex] I think I know him well enough to say that he's not gonna murder us in our hotel room." "[Fahri] Want to bet?" "[Alex] Yeah." "I do." "How much?" "$5." "Are you really not gonna eat that?" "Because it smells great." "[Alex gasping]" "Oh, my God." "[Alex trembling]" "Guess you owe him $5." "So, I don't really get the sign." "What's she supposed to be?" "Stick of butter?" "[Coates] No... she's a maple log." "You can't see that?" "Mmm-hmm?" "I guess, but... it's just, like, a weird choice because it's Trudy's Donuts." "It's not Trudy's Maple Logs." "Yeah, but she has a plate of donuts." "I know, but that's so stupid, because what does a maple log know about making donuts?" "It's like a totally different species." "Well, does a donut have a self-awareness of what it means to be a donut that somehow makes it a more capable cook?" "Maybe the maple log has more insight because it can see things from an outside perspective." "What do you mean?" "I mean, if it's a donut that's making donuts, then that donut would be burdened by all kinds of personal biases and probably, ultimately, be conflicted about the whole enterprise." "Because a donut that's selling donuts is basically a slave trader." "Worse, really, because he's selling his own people to be consumed as food." "But a donut should look like a donut if that's what you're selling... okay?" "How about this?" "Why don't you do a big picture of a donut eating himself 'cause he tastes so good?" "[laughs]" " I know I'd go in." " But that's deranged." "Why?" "That's funny." "'Cause if he's eating himself, then he's committing suicide." "He wouldn't have, like, a sad expression on his face." "He'd be freakin' smiling because the taste of himself is so good that he wouldn't fear death no more." "That might be overselling Trudy's Donuts." "You know what?" "I think you're right. [chuckles]" "I am so stuffed." "How many did you eat?" "I don't know." "I wasn't looking." "Like, four?" "You want to take the rest back to camp?" "Mmm-mmm." "No, we can't take 'em back to camp." "'Cause then they'll know we stopped somewhere." "We're not really supposed to stop anywhere." "I mean, we're gonna be all right, 'cause they usually give us an hour and a half when we run an errand off camp." "And I drive really fast, so we definitely got some time." "Hmm." "Well, you know what I like to do with day-old donuts?" "What?" "[ducks quacking]" "[Pennsatucky] Try to get it to that..." "Yeah, you keep hogging it!" " Try to get it to that one." "No." " Who him?" "That one?" "Throw it right there." "No, that one." "Okie-doke." "[Pennsatucky] Oh, you missed." "Man, you suck." " I'm not a duck." " This duck?" "This duck?" "Come on, duck." "Get your donut!" "[laughing] [quacking]" "Come on, duck." "Catch your donut!" "[quacking continues]" "I like your idea, Linda." "Let's get some paint supplies on the next order." "Really?" "Painting the walls pink reduces violence." " Is that scientific?" " I don't think it is." "Well, a couple of gallons of paint costs less than hiring more guards in Max." "Well, in that case, I say let's try it." " What was your name again?" " Linda." " I like the way this one thinks." " Absolutely." "Linda's been a real rock star when it comes to cost-saving initiatives." "Well..." "So, uh, Danny, how is everything up in Min security?" "Not bad." "Not bad." "The, uh, meal plan has been implemented." "Everything running pretty smoothly so far." "Well, except for our Jewish problem." " Jewish problem?" " Probably not the best choice of words." "There's a program for kosher meals that we feel is being abused." "I have a plan to address it." "Also, I've located a new source for soap." "Is it the Jews?" "[laughing]" "Does anyone else have something?" "Keep them coming, people." "There are no bad ideas." "Well, I wouldn't say that." "Uh, I had an idea." "And it's not a cost-saving initiative." "Actually, it'll cost us money." "Not much." "Okay." "The, um..." "The prisoners need books for the library." "Danny, we already discussed that." "I told him, he could get the books as donations." "No, I know, um..." " But I was speaking with Caputo..." " Who's Caputo?" "Our man on the ground." "And what department is he in?" "He's, uh, in the prison..." " uh, working... there." " Okay." "Anyway, he was thinking it would be important for the inmates to get legal books to work on their cases." "Also, we haven't talked at all about implementing a job-training program." "And the idea behind job training is?" "To help the prisoners get jobs after they get out of prison." "Probably should wait till Jones gets back to talk about that." "Yeah, that's more of an outreach issue." "That's not really operational." "I don't know when else I'd bring it up." "Well, I think it's a nice idea." "But sounds like something for a little further down the road." "[Jack] That's all for today." "Thank you, everybody." "Hey, Cheryl, can you go talk to Edward in HR?" " Am I fired?" " He'll walk you through it." "Okay." "[sighs]" "What was that all about?" "The one day Strath is here from Atlanta..." "There are issues we need to deal with now, or it's gonna cost us way more down the road." "I mean, this stuff with kosher meals..." "I mean, you might be saving dollars and cents, but, pfft, what if there's a lawsuit?" "You think Strath gives a shit?" "He's gonna be running some other corporation before anything comes to bite him in the ass." "What he wants and needs is something he can show his shareholders at the end of this quarter." "I know." "But isn't there any big picture here?" "I mean, Caputo and I are the only ones on the floor" " dealing with these people face-to-face." " Because you're good with people." "If I wanted someone with sucky people skills," "I would've hired your sister." "[chuckles]" "Working in a women's prison doesn't mean you have to act like a woman." " You get my drift?" " Yeah, I get it, Dad." "It's all right." "It's a process." "But remember, you're the boss." " Right." " Not Mr. Caputo." "Yes." " Who's the boss?" " I'm the boss." "That's right." "All right." "I brought you some pictures of the house, but I wasn't allowed to bring them in." "I can... describe it to you, though." "No, it's all right." "I know you're nervous and all, but... you should know that I still want you to have the baby." "Well, that's..." "[Dayanara] But..." "I got one condition." "I want you to write to me." "Not all the time." "'Cause I know you'll be busy with her and your life and everything." "But I just want to know that she's okay since I can't visit, 'cause it wouldn't be good for her, so..." "You keep saying "her." Do you know it's a girl?" "No, my mother thinks she is, so..." "You know, 'cause of the way my belly hangs." "Daya... of course I'll write to you." "That was... always part of the plan." "And I will send you some of her drawings, so you can see if she inherited your artistic talents." "Aw." "'Cause George, he can't even draw a straight line." "I mean..." "Good runner, though." "Very athletic." "Uh, how much will he be involved?" "Well, he is in prison, so... not much." "I'm really glad that you..." "That you thought this through, because when you said "but," I was, like..." " I was afraid... [laughs]" " What?" "I was afraid you were gonna ask for more money." "More money?" "The arrangement with your mother." "She didn't tell you." "No, she didn't tell me." "I'm happy to pay you a little stipend if it helps you get back on your feet." "No." "[chuckles] This isn't right." "Dayanara, I have the means, and I really want to help you and your mother." "I mean, we're family now, so it's okay." "All my mother cares about is getting paid." "I can't do this." "This is a lie." "Wait, what do you mean?" "The baby isn't George's." "But he..." "Yeah, I had sex with him." "Well... he had sex with me." "We had sex, but it isn't his." "I was already pregnant by..." "That really doesn't matter." "[sighs]" "Well..." "I just wanted what was best for the baby, and you seemed kind, and the life you could give her is the life that I want her to have, so, it's like..." "I can't lie." "I just, I..." "I can't lie for money." "I'm sorry." "I feel so sick right now." "[sighs]" "Thank you for telling me the truth." "[sighs]" "This line is longer than ever today." "Well, they're raising prices, so everybody's stocking up." "So, they make the food inedible, then they jack up the commissary." "You got it." "God bless America." "You know, Benny's at our house for dinner tonight." "Yeah?" "I guess they're really becoming friends." "Wow!" "That must be hard on you, seeing as your son is so impressionable and mine uses such crass language." "I'm sorry." " I shouldn't have accused you." " No, you shouldn't have." "It's just that I... was hoping I could be there to help shape him, you know?" "Teach him how to shave or change a tire." "[chuckles]" "I might have changed, but I'm still his father." "And how do you think I feel?" "I'm supposed to be taking care of shit." "Worst thing I could imagine is my son becoming a thug." "But he could." "And I can't stop him." "[Chang] Fuck you." "Next." "It's done." "Now, you should know, the story took an unexpected turn during the trial by lovemaking." " Edwina... blindfolded." " What?" "She didn't know one membrane from another." "What?" "Who does she choose?" "Oh, man." "Don't blame me." "I'm but a lowly instrument to the muses." " I quit." " What do you mean, you quit?" "I can't show my face in the halls." "Those meals aren't fit for human consumption." "That's not true, and you'll get used to them." "This is the same meals that they serve in all the prisons in the country." "[voice breaking] Is that supposed to make me feel better?" "Healy, don't get me wrong." "I knew there would be compromises, and I love being forced to improvise." "But I can't play a piano if you cut off my hands at the wrists!" "I don't know what to tell you now." "I've already gone out on a limb for you." "You can't just jump from job to job as you please!" "[voice breaking] It's killing me." "I'm sorry, Red." "My hands are cut off, too." "Red..." "Red, your jacket." "[inhaling]" "What are you doing?" "When?" "Oh." "Sometimes the inmates sneak cigarettes, so I smell their clothes and..." "What can I do for you?" "Oh, uh..." "I talked to Soso earlier today." "You wrote her a recommendation to get on antidepressants?" "Yeah, she was feeling blue." "Well, I don't think it's a good idea to jump right to medication, at least not before talking through the problem." "I did talk through the problem, and I decided to take action before things got worse." "You also told her nobody likes sad people and that depression's all in her head." "So?" "When someone's feeling vulnerable, they need their pain acknowledged, not be made to feel worse for having it." "Well... [sighing]" "Look... no offense to you..." "but she's my counselee, and I don't need to take advice from someone like you." "Someone like me?" "I have a Master's in social work." "And I have a Master's in psychology." "[sighs] Healy... the last thing I want is to step on your toes." "But I think it would be better if I took on Soso, at least for a little while." "I think she might do better with another woman." "[laughing]" "So, it's a woman thing." "It's always a woman thing." "And I guess you feel that you understand her better because she's a minority, too." " I didn't say... that." " Didn't have to." "You know what?" "You want her so bad... go ahead." "That's fine." "You don't have to be resentful." " It's about what's right for her." " Oh, of course it is." "Oh." "Is that all, ma'am?" "That is all, sir." "Thank you." "[sarcastically] Thank you." " Hey." " She went back to him... for sex." "That's so cheap." "Everything in this book is all about sex." "That's because it's meant to be." "It's smut." "It doesn't have to be." "[slurring] She had a chance for love, but she blew it." "Are you drunk?" "You know, there's no such thing as love, really." "[mumbles]" "Love is just sex without the money shot." "That's why everybody loves Rodcocker." "'Cause he gives them a 10-gallon money shot!" "You need to get off the ground before you get a shot, and I ain't talking about money." "Don't touch me!" "I'm fine." "You're not fine." "You're tanked." "And you need to go to AA like I said and get some help, woman." "Like you said. [scoffs]" "Why I got to do what you say?" "I don't need to talk about how I need a drink." "I need a reason not to drink." "Is AA gonna make me feel useful?" "Tell me I have a future?" "Give me somebody to spend that future with?" "You got me." "For whatever future we got, you got me." "[voice breaking] That's not enough." " I'm lonely." " [Taystee sighs]" "I'm always gonna be lonely." "[scoffs] Gilly couldn't find love, and he's the purest soul in the universe." "P... it's just a dirty story." "Please, stand up." "Come on." "Come on." "[grunts] Let's go." "[Taystee sighs] [sobbing] You're right." "I need help." "Then... you gotta get it." "[Poussey sobbing]" "You got to admit you can't do it alone." "You're right." "Hey, uh, Jackson, right?" "Kowalski." "Close." "Have you seen Caputo?" "He's gone." "He leaves early on Thursdays." "Why?" " [guitar tuning] - [cell phone vibrating]" "Shit, I gotta take this." "[Caputo shushing]" "Hello?" "Hey, buddy." "Just got back to camp." "And I thought I'd see you, but you're, uh... you're not here." "Yeah, I..." "I leave a little early on Thursdays." " How'd the meeting go?" " It went fine." "Are they springing for any new expenditures?" "Don't worry about it." "Just worry about staying at your job until your shift is complete, all right?" "Uh, yes, Pearson, of course." "And I've asked you not to call me "Pearson."" "You call me "Danny," like I've asked you multiple times." "Yes, Danny, sir." "Just Danny." "Thank you." "See you tomorrow, buddy." "See you tomorrow." " Do you want to run through the set?" " [sighs] No." " Can we just jam a little?" " Yeah." " Actually, I'd like to sing." " Yeah, let's do it." "[band playing rock music]" "♪ Hey, buddy ♪" "♪ Hey, buddy ♪" "♪ You want your back scratched, buddy?" "♪" "♪ Mouth full of marbles ♪" "♪ Mouth full of lies ♪" "♪ I can see through you like a window ♪" "♪ But you're a ceiling, not the sky ♪" "♪ You say you're not the warden ♪" "♪ But you're the fucking warden ♪" "♪ You say you're not the warden ♪" "♪ But you're the fucking warden ♪" "♪ You say you're not the warden ♪" "♪ But you're the fucking warden ♪ [woman on PA] I used to like to say little positive quotes in the morning." "But now there's some concern about legal clearances." "So, good morning." "So, you met with him." "What did he say?" "I told him that I have a kink and that my kink is servicing other people's kinks and that I'd give him 5% if he got the goods to a drop-off point." "Hmm." " No hand job?" " No hand job... yet." "Though if it comes to that, I'm passing the baton to you." "The fleshy, pink man-baton." "What?" "[softly] She's staring at me again." "She's... staring at you?" "All right, let's settle this." " No." " Oh, yes." "This whole thing ends right now." " Hey." " [Lolly] Hi." " Lolly." " Hi." "Hey." "Hey, my friend, um, Alex thinks that you're staring at her." " Are you staring at her?" " Oh, yeah." " Why are you staring at her?" " 'Cause she keeps staring at me." "[scoffs]" "That..." "That makes a lot of sense." "Thank you." "You see?" "She's harmless." " Yeah, but... [sighs]" " She's harmless." "It's all in your head." "Okay." " Okay?" " You're right." "Harmless." "Kubra..." " I want to explain..." " Everyone wants to explain." "Like the reasons you do anything changes how they affect me." "You actually thought you could run from me." " We weren't thinking straight." " I see." "Did you think I sought revenge for missing an airport pickup?" "Let me set the record straight, because that would paint me as a rash and an impulsive man, which I am not." "He missed the pickup, and he wasted my time and money on stupid-ass ideas about businesses to invest in." "But that's not worth a death sentence, right?" "To err is human." "However, when a fucker gets so lazy he no longer bothers to buy burners to make calls on, that... is too fucking human." "I can't tolerate that." "I'm trying to run a business here." "Do you understand?" "Yes, I understand." "And I need everyone to pull their weight, and I need everyone focused." "You don't seem very focused now, Alex." "Am I right to say you are not feeling very focused?" " [softly] No." " Speak up!" "[yelling] Am I right to say you are not feeling very focused?" "No, I'm not very focused." "Of course not." "Because you're not taking care of yourself." "But you'll get that back." "You need to dry out." "I'll find you a rehab center, somewhere near Northampton so you'll be close to home." " Thank you." " You're welcome." " [breathes deeply]" " You see?" "I can be forgiving." "Fahri wasn't your friend." "I am your friend." "And I have lots of friends." "Remember that." "Whoa!" "[exhales]" "The third orifice is a wormhole?" "[laughs]" "Sorry, no spoilers, but... they just explained how the time humping works." "Have you read this yet?" "Mmm-mmm." "[Maureen] Huh, well... might be a long time before you can." "There's a waiting list now, which is unfair, because, you know, some people are rereading it, even though there's people like you who haven't read it for the first time." "Oh, I don't mind waiting." "I'm a patient person." "[show tune playing]" "_"