"This is the unholiest abandoned veterinary hospital" "I've ever seen." "I'd put the chances of seeing Canus Spectralis- ghost dog-at total max." "Somebody's here." "I smelt it but the spirit world dealt it." "Rory!" "Vampires don't even need food!" "You know I'm a stress eater." "Scare Finder Rule Number Eight:" "Don't be afraid of scares." "Doug's fearless." "He's a machine designed to, like, delete fear from itself." "Hey, everybody!" "We're live outside the door of this year's Day with Doug winner." "This superfan gets to hang with me and go on a scare find in his own town!" "Oh, come on!" "Who would bother us now?" "That kid must have a crazy luck bonus- like, a plus six!" "I automatically hate this jerk." "He should be me and he isn't." "Hey, big man!" "Name's Doug Falconhawk." "Ethan, you'll never believe who won the contest." "Are you Ethan?" "Hi... ♪ She's the girl next door. ♪" "♪ Nice but not in a heart ♪ ♪ that's pure. ♪" "♪ She's the girl next door ♪." "♪ Just for me. ♪" "♪ What you get is ♪ ♪ what you see. ♪" "♪ No more ♪ ♪ "Maybe it's Maybelline" ♪" "♪ She can give you everything ♪ ♪ you need. ♪" "♪ She's the girl next door. ♪" "♪ Nice but not in a heart ♪ ♪ that's pure. ♪" "♪ She's the girl next door. ♪" "♪ Just for me. ♪" "I dig your decorating style, Ethan." "Ow." "Ow." "Ow." "He's here." "It's real." "This is a thing that's happening." "Dude, this is off several hooks." "I don't believe what I'm seeing..." "There's an action figure of me?" "No, I made that out of other figures." "See, you've got Wolverine's groin, but no one has awesome hair like you do, so I had to sculpt that by myself." "Yeah!" "Now tiny Doug can kill a vampire." "Guys, guys..." "I know this is the most awesome thing that has ever happened ever." "But it is also a complete disaster." "What?" "Bunk!" "You couldn't name five reasons why." "Doug hunts paranormal stuff." "Erica's a vampire." "Rory's a vampire." "Sarah is a vampire." "And you're an idiot." "Five." "You got lucky." "Hmm!" "I'm pretty quotable!" "You have to stay away from Doug." "It's too risky." "Are you kidding me, dude?" "I was a geek before I became Lord of the Night." "No way I'm passing up the chance to become his assistant." "Usually the girls buy the calendars." "Oh..." "My sister got that for me." "Okay, fine." "We've got to hang out with Doug, but no matter what, we have to keep him away from Sarah." "Did you turn 11 last night?" "What's with the juice box?" "It's a new blood substitute Benny's grandma gave me." "I guess she's used to packing nerd lunches." "Ugh!" "It smells like shoe." "How is it?" "Not bad." "Aside from the fact it may cause nausea, dizziness, irritability, bloating, and sleep drooling." "So I hate it." "I know you think feeding on humans is "wrong", but do you really want to risk bloating?" "Yeah..." "I can't believe we got a ride to school in the Vamp Camper." "I can't believe you guys had your own suits." "Let's hit it." "All right, rug rats, don't crowd Mr. Falconhawk." "One line." "One line." "Uh..." "Hey, you guys go ahead to chemistry class." "I gotta swing by my locker." "This new blood is awful!" "I need a new new one!" "You guys gotta stay out of sight." "That's Doug Falconhawk." "Is that that night vision poser from that show you guys like?" "He looks like a prison hairdresser." "Yeah, serious mullet fail." "And you should be worried about him." "If he gets in my way, he's lunch." "His hair is awesome!" "Doug is like Batman." "And... all four Ghostbusters, and, like, a scientist motorcycle gang, all in one." "And, if he spots you, you won't have a chance." "Scares don't find themselves." "But you can bring them to you, if you have the right bait:" "Aloe, musk, saffron, pepper- a recipe for wicked ghost action!" "You should spike it with vervain, Doug." "It also makes for a sweet vampire repellent." "Uh..." "So I've heard." " Ah!" " Whoa!" "You're not one of them, are you, buddy?" "Hey, Rory..." "I bet Doug could really go for a latte." "That's the kind of thing a great assistant would fetch." "What's a latte?" "I don't know." "But I think a place on the other side of town has one." "Sweet!" "I'll find one." "Thanks, dude!" "Check this stuff out!" "Sasquatch footprint." "Jar of ectoplasm from a ghost sasquatch." "Werewolf claw." "Oh!" "Best camping trip ever!" "Are you sure it's real?" "I..." "It should have reverted to human form after it was cut off." "I mean... at least, that's what Wikipedia says." "Wikipedia!" "Wow!" "Is that an undead detector?" "It's picking something up!" "Something close!" "Gear up!" "What's up, fools?" "Uh, here!" "Ha." "Look, Doug." "It stopped beeping." "Must be broken." "Bummer!" "Hey, gopher!" "Where you been?" "Scoring you a latte!" "It's a type of coffee." "Ah!" "Let's roll!" "Ooh!" "Yeah!" "Doug..." "loves biscotti." "Oh!" "I'm on it!" "Sarah?" "What's up?" "This junk tastes like a punch in the mouth, and it's kind of making me mad." "Benny's grandma's out of town at a sorcery convention for a week- or... however long it takes to summon a demon." "Well, I guess everyone wants me to go eat rats again!" "Old, rat-biter Sarah." "Fine!" "I'll be in the graveyard eating rats like a loser!" "What?" "!" "Keep moving!" "The Falconhawk Forest Fry." "This is what I dig in to whenever I'm in the bush looking for El Chupacabra." "Canned spam, canned beans, and pineapple chunks- from a can." "Awesome!" "The pineapple is wicked caramelized!" "Eat up." "We'll need all of our energy" " for an all-night terror stakeout." " Stakeout?" "I'm not just here to cook, bud;" "We're gonna find some scares." "Where?" "Where bodies lay, scares will play." "The graveyard." "No!" "Why not?" "Um... because... uh..." "my house is haunted." "It is?" "You should recycle instead of littering in our green spaces." "Sorry." "This slop is making me nuts." "And slow!" "I can't even catch a rat." "Go bug the nerd king." "He can just science you up something new." "How come you never told me this place was haunted?" "I'm your friend!" "Boo!" "Scared ya!" "Hey, Jerry!" "How's the best producer in the world?" "Hold on." "I'll let you guys listen in on some show biz chatter." "Makowski, the ratings on your last episode were like a disease!" "You're putting people to sleep!" "It's all, "Ooh, what a squeak that floor made!"" "Or, "Oh, man!" "I hope that table didn't move!"" "Unless the Scare Finder actually finds something this week, you can kiss your joke of a show goodbye!" "Your show's in trouble?" "But... it's, it's awesome!" "The last episode rocked!" "It was weak." "It's always weak!" "I've never even actually seen anything!" "And this ghost grid, it's never found a ghost!" "But, uh why'd he call you "Makowski"?" "My real name's Doug Makowski." "Falconhawk is made up." "Oh." "Rory's here with your biscotti." "Maybe that'll get this..." "party going." "I need... blood." "Help me!" "Sarah, Doug's gonna see you!" "Oh, no." "I'm paralyzed by terror." "What good is a camera that sees vampires when there's no vampires to see?" "Holy cow!" "A vampire!" "What?" "No, this is just a..." "girl I know who just showed up to leave." "Oh, give me a break!" "A vampire!" "A vampire!" "Looks like I broke your hero." " Now, can you science me some new blood?" " He saw you!" "Yeah, and he really looked like he was gonna do something about it." "The guy is a total poser." "A real vampire." "The haters on my blog can eat it!" "Ooh..." "Sarah's in trouble." "Yeah." "Doug IS awesome!" "The best I could do is a Danish." "Did I miss anything?" "This episode is gonna be awesome." "This is bad-." "Uh, hey, let's not say things we can't take back." " There's an audio feed." " Okay, Makowski, we're going live with this, but it better be ratings gold." "We're interrupting Biggest, Bravest Babies." "This is huge, Jerry." "The world's first televised vampire kill." "This bloodsucker's dead- again!" "Guys, we gotta do something." "Do you think Doug would... kill Sarah?" "Even if he doesn't, the whole world's gonna know she's a vampire." "This town will be crawling with guys like Doug." "Plus, spooky government scientists." "What do we do?" "Doug's our hero, and I don't want to use any of my arcane power to rip his soul from his mortal form." "Yeah, good thing you're bad at magic." "If Doug wants a show about vampires, we'll give him one." "White Chapel, the sleepy little town where the horrors are wide awake." "Nightmares don't dream." "I am the Scare Finder!" "I'm on the trail of a real vampire, an undead abomination who brazenly attacked me only moments ago!" "Uh..." "You never hunt a hunter." "I can't believe you are running from this loser." "Why don't you just take him out?" "I'm too weak from this fake blood, and I'm not a killer!" "It's Ethan." ""Meet me at the warehouse."" "Great." "Spock has a logical plan." "Eww!" "You just made a Star Trek reference." "Yeah, and you recognized it." "I gotta... go..." "Text me if you want me to come eat this guy." "This is by far the weakest fight preparation in the history of showdowns." "We're not gonna fight Doug;" "He needs to think he was wrong about what he saw, so we're gonna put on a show like something out of those Dusk novels." "Oh, there's Sarah." "Okay, go get into position." "Hey." "I'd..." "laugh at you if I didn't want to bite someone's face off." "Okay, um, here." "Put these on." "I have my own, thanks." "They need to be fake." "Trust me." "And this." "Is this some sort of blanket?" "With sleeves." "And..." " ...here's your tiara too." " Ethan, what are we doing?" "What geeks do best, ha-ha!" "Live action role-playing." "Okay, now I'm scared." "I've tracked the nefarious throat-muncher into this abandoned warehouse- clearly ground zero for local vampire activity." "Well, sorry, bats, but you're not the only bird in town anymore." "Triggerus chillius." "Holy cow!" "A werewolf!" " Frozen!" " You trespass, human, on ground that is not yours." "Maybe I can gain his trust." "I'm tracking a vampire, your eternal foe!" "You track my forbidden girlfriend?" "And my future vampire wife." "Another vampire!" "Well, at least it's a fair fight now." "I am Fangstorm, the vampire." "If you have harmed my love, then I will totally vampire... you." "Bonnie prefers me," "Greg, the werewolf mechanic with... a good heart." "I think I've stumbled- hunted my way- into a supernatural love triangle." "Bonnie and I have an arranged marriage." "The tradition has lasted for like, a million years, and..." "and it's really important!" "No, stop!" "Stop this madness!" "I've been tracking a vampire princess?" "Huh..." "I would have thought vampire royalty would be better dressed." "I heard that, you jerk!" "Fangstorm, Greg, please, don't make me choose between love and this super ancient tradition of our people." "This is so stupid!" "Your character wouldn't say that!" "I, Fangstorm, challenge this dog to a wicked spin-kick fight." "Dude, I'll throw you at him!" "What?" "No, it'll hurt!" "Ah!" "Dude, are you trying to bite me?" " I am Fangstorm!" " Now!" "Go get Doug!" "I beg of you, please, Mr. Falconhawk, you can't let them kill each other." "You're the only human who can help." "Do I keep my hunter's instincts in check and play peacemaker?" "Or do I bag myself a vampire and write my name in the history books?" "Yeah, I'll do that one." "Sarah, did you have to kick him so hard?" "Ethan!" "Shh!" "Ethan!" "Benny!" "What is this?" "Um... hi, Doug." "Hey." "Heh-heh..." "I'm sorry, Doug, but when you showed up, we thought it would be awesome to be on TV." "I was live!" "I'm ruined!" "How could you do that to a guy?" "I just wanted to make a fan's day." " And maybe shoot a vampire." " Yeah, maybe." "On camera." "Instead, I get "punk'd" by a Dusk convention." " Sorry, Doug." "We just..." " I don't know why you would want to destroy your own hero, just to get on TV!" "Dressing up as monsters?" "Rigging my camera so that this girl would show up as a vampire?" "Kids weren't like this before NewbieTube." "Here." "You might as well keep these worthless things." "All packed up, Mr. Fal... con... hawk..." "Fresh latte in the cup holders." "Thanks, Rory." "Some scares just aren't worth finding." "Thanks for helping me and protecting White Chapel's secret." "You did the right thing." "Kinda like a hero." "Oh, and I'm never being Bonnie again." "No matter what." "I'm sorry, guys." "I can't talk right now." "Everything I ever believed in was a wig." "Camper won't start." "You're not a real mechanic, are you?" "Or was that part a lie too?" "Worst episode ever." "White Chapel -the boring town with the One-trophy high school and the lukewarm lattes." "No scares to be found here;" "Only lies and pranks." "And the only reason for you to visit this place is if you want to have your show cancelled too." "Well, he's not bitter at all." "You see that?" "We got on TV!" "But this isn't the end of Doug Falconhawk." "Starting next month, I could be coming to your town and pulling a wicked prank on you and your friends!" "onhawk:" "Prank Blaster!" "Nice." "I can't wait to watch Doug prank blast some chump!" "As long as he stays away from us!" "♪ She's the girl next door. ♪" "♪ Nice but not in a heart ♪ ♪ that's pure. ♪" "♪ She's the girl next door. ♪" "♪ Just for me ♪"