"Done!" "And you buy the next round." "How do you always beat me at grading tests?" "It's easy." "It's multiple choice." "I just repeat the pattern of AC/DC in the answer key." "Why AC/DC?" "Because they rule." "Oh my God." "Paula Cooper." "We were in acting class together." "Here we go." "It's just your acting class stories are sort of sad." "Why?" "How can I put this gently?" "Because now you're a teacher." "Paula was the star of the class, okay?" "And every day I would say to myself, "Calvin, today--"" "Would you really say Calvin?" "Well actually, back then I called myself Cal." ""Cal, I'd say, today's the day you're gonna talk to her."" "And I never did." "One of the great regrets of my life." "So not talking to that cute girl right there sitting alone at the end of the bar with no ring on her finger is one of the great regrets of your life?" "Maybe the greatest." "What are you doing?" "Just go talk to her." "Just walk up to a girl in a bar." "Who does that?" "Guys." "Nah." "I mean, I wouldn't even know how to start a conversation." "Hey, Paula!" "Cal?" "Cal." "Sleepy?" "Dopey?" "What?" "Oh, I thought we were naming dwarves." "Are you okay?" "You look even more tired than usual." "No--no, I keep late hours." "Oh, interesting." "Late hours." "That's right, Princes Fancy-Pants." "I keep late hours." "Umm, grumpy." "Gail, Barbra, I've reserved a lecture hall for Tuesday afternoon." "And I'm gonna order some pizza." "And we'll get started around 5:00." "What time do you think we'll be done, so I can tell my husband?" "About 7:00, but, um, tell your husband 9:00 so you can see your lover." "I don't have a lover." "Are people saying that?" "No--no, I was just having a little fun." "Obviously you're not having an affair." "I mean, look at you... clearly... clearly so happy in your marriage." "So Ginger, Posh, Scary," "I hear you guys are having a pizza party." "Did my invitation get lost in the mail?" "It's not a party." "It's a meeting of the curricuculum committee." "We act as the liaison between the faculty and the board of education to evaluate appropriate courses of study." "Okay, so let me see if I get this right, you and these two ladies get naked and roll around." "Really, Tina, I don't think there's any reason to bring up Gail's college experimentation." "Oh come on!" "That was funny." "Whoa." "So Gail was a lesbian." "I can't wait to tell my classes." "There he is." "There's the man." "I told Dick all about the girl from last night." "He's very excited." "No, I'm not." "He wants to hear all about it." "No, I don't." "So how'd it go?" "You know I don't kiss and tell." "No, I know you don't kiss." "I found out she's still acting." "She's a lead in an Off-Broadway production of Romeo and Juliet." "But they're gonna close the show because they can't find an audience." "What are you gonna do?" "I'm gonna go down there and surprise her with a bouquet of flowers." "That's great." "Showing up to a play with a bouquet of flowers." "No one's ever done that since every single night in history." "You know, you gotta do something to set yourself apart." "Send her a ham." "No, you gotta use what you got, okay?" "What makes Calvin Babbitt different?" "He collects dolls." "You're a teacher." "Okay?" "You've got access to hordes of students that'll pretty much do anything that you tell them to do." "I'm not following you." "One word, academic field trip." "You bring a class." "I'll bring a class." "Instant audience." "No, Jeff, just let me do this my way, all right?" "Your schemes always get me in trouble." "First of all, they're not schemes." "They're capers." "And you seemed pretty happy when you got free admission to the United Nations." "Yeah, until the guards found out I'm not the crown prince of Zimzambia." "Come on." "Calvin, trust me." "Dick, what do you think?" "I'm still thinking of Gail as a lesbian." "Oops, I'm sorry." "Oh no." "Hang on." "Hang on." "Tina." "Are you eating at Headlights?" "Headlights?" "Oh, is that what this restaurant is called?" "I don't understand." "Can you imagine having to wear a uniform like that?" "It's so degrading." "What are you doing here?" "Starting my shift." "Hey, your bus is outside." "Listen, I was wondering if you guys could do me a favor." "If you'd run by Home Depot." "I need six sheets of quarter-inch plywood." "Dick, this is a school trip." "We can't do that and get your cannolis." "Okay, fine." "You know, I miss field trips." "It's so unfair, leave one kid in Amish country, suddenly they label you irresponsible." "No one remembers I got apple butter." "Do we have a head count, by the way?" "Of course we do." "It's 40... something." "All right, so kids, once we are on the bus, there will be no bathroom breaks, okay?" "So if you have to go, go now." " That includes you." " Cool." "And I also want to remind you that there is an academic purpose to this field trip." "So it's not all just fun and games." "I'm just kidding." "It's a field trip." "It's all fun and games." "Excuse me, Mr. Cahill, may I speak to you in the hallway, please?" "This isn't about the field trip, is it?" "Of course not." "Please, that's ridiculous." "Okay, this is about the field trip." "Now, as you know, Ben Dougan's parents did not sign his permission slip to go see Romeo and Juliet." "Okay, so that knocks my head count down to 45...ish." "Mr. Dougan has insisted that none of the students go see this play." "So I'm canceling the trip." "What?" "Why?" "Well, Mr. Dougan believes that the subject matter of this play is inappropriate for teenagers." "And since he is the president of The Concerned Parents Association," "I believe that too." "Did you tell him yet?" "Yes." "Did he cry?" "I bet he cried." "Did you cry?" "Come on." "Emma, you can't be serious about this." "We are dead serious." "Mr. Lenk, down." "Now, on a positive note with a few quick phone calls, your field trip has been changed to The Botanical Gardens." "My idea." "Come on." "You're gonna send an English class and a Drama class to The Botanical Gardens." "You might as well send us to a ball game." "Can we go to a ball game?" "This is not up for discussion, Mr. Cahill." "End of discussion." "Mitch, you do know that you're just a math teacher?" "Yeah, well, I like to think of myself as the Sheriff of this place." "Still just a math teacher." "You'll think differently when that badge I ordered arrives." "Man, I am so excited about this trip." "Oh yeah, Calvin, listen." "You know, I got a good feeling about Paula." "I mean, this is the chance for me to erase one of the greatest mistakes of my life." "I'm sorry, you said, "Listen."" "Oh yeah, that was it, just listen." "Shoot." "It's gone now." "Never mind." "Let's go." "Oh wait." "The kids." "Listen." "Um, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't tell anybody what you saw last night." "No--no--no." "Of course not." "It's just that I don't want Principal Wiggins or anyone else around here judging me." "I don't think anyone would judge you." "Really?" "Well, what do you think about the women that work there?" "Oh, you mean the whore--tresses?" "Sorry." "I'm really not judgmental." "Neither am I, Mary Poppins." "You know, I have had my own fair share of demeaning jobs myself." "I once worked for this sicko who made me wear a swimsuit and climb a ladder." "I was a lifeguard." "You know, there are other ways to earn money." "I have a friend who" "Cleans chimneys and dances on rooftops?" "She tutors after school." "And does she make 200 bucks a night?" "$200 for dressing like a whore--tress." "You know what?" "I don't care if some prude on her pedestal wants to judge me." "I don't judge you." "So you admit you're a prude, which is exactly why you didn't ask me to your party, for your prissy little committee." "If it was prissy committee, we wouldn't have an adulteress and a lesbian." "I thought it was gonna be totally stupid." "But it was like a really good episode of Laguna Beach." "Calvin, do you hear these kids?" "I know it's not why we came, but I think we might have accidentally taught them something." "This is great." "During the balcony scene Paula winked at me." "That's weird 'cause I think Romeo winked at me." "I never should have doubted you." "I'm there for you, brother." "All right, kids, listen up, please throw away all of your programs and ticket stubs in the trash." "There can be no proof that we were actually here." "Uh, why can there be no proof?" "Oh yeah, did I forget to tell you this?" "Wiggins might have mentioned that we were absolutely forbidden to see this play." "I'm gonna go grab some Skittles." "What?" "Why didn't you tell me?" "How could I?" "You were so excited to see Paula." "With your boyish grin and your girlish jacket." "I knew I shouldn't have listened to you." "Calvin, it's taken care of." "As far as Wiggins knows, we went to the Botanical Gardens." "I even had the bus driver go and get us some leaves and spores to sprinkle on everybody." "You always do this to me." "I don't know why I listen to you." "Calvin, thank you so much." "That's why." "Oh, gotta go." "Here comes Romeo." "Good morning, Mr. Babbitt." "So did you seal the deal last night?" "I may not have sealed the deal, but my elbow brushed up against the deal... twice." "That is a weird visual image, but I'm proud of ya." "Look, I don't approve of your methods, but you get results." "Paula's coming over tonight, and I'm gonna fix her dinner." "I hope you have a big enough pan." "I've got a big enough pan." "What are we talking about?" "I've got no idea, but good times." "Good times." "Good morning, Mr. Cahill, Mr. Babbitt." "Mr. Babbitt, Mr. Cahill, good morning." "Did the children enjoy The Botanical Gardens?" "Uh, very much, I mean, children and flowers, it's like homeless people and shopping carts." "I love that place." "What did you think of the Latasius Lily?" "Amazing flower." "Blew me away." "Changed my life." "Ha--there is no such thing as a Latasius Lily." "I think the only flower you saw was a Lie-us, lie-us, pants on fi-us." "What's up?" "I know you went to see the play." "You're right, Emma." "We did go see the play." "Admit it." "Emma, you should have seen these kids." "They loved Romeo and Juliet." "Never the less, it is a serious infraction." "And a concerned parent has demanded there be a hearing tomorrow afternoon." "Hearing?" "I have to go to a hearing?" "That's great, Jeff." "Don't worry." "We're just gonna get a slap on the wrist." "Right, Emma?" "Or more likely you'll be suspended for three months without pay." "Three months?" "So some crazy parent complained." "Emma, it's your decision." "Yeah, and if I have to choose between an outraged parent who can make a lot of noise in the community and you two clowns" "Let's just say, the circus is leaving town." "Three months suspension?" "Yeah, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "Road trip!" "What up?" "What up?" "Hey, welcome to Headlights." "Oh, are you here to fill out an application?" "'Cause I can tell you right now." "No--no--no--no." "I'm just looking for someone." "Alice." "What are you doing here?" "Well, I just wanted to prove to you that I'm not a prude." "And that I'm not at all uncomfortable in a place where scantily clad large-breasted women serve heaping portions of fried things to predominately fat men." "And kids eat free." "I'll have a beer, please, in a dirty glass." "And then I'm gonna take one of these fat men home with me." "No, you're not." "No, I'm not, but I will have a beer because I'm not a priss or a prude, and I know how to have fun." "Your elbows aren't even touching the table." " Yes, they are." " No, they're not." " Well, now they are." " They're still not." "Well, it's disgusting." "It is, yes, but if you know how to have fun then you will put them down." "How 'bout a shot?" "But it's a school night." "Said the prude." "All right." "I'll have one." "Take four." "They're small." "There's something floating in this." "I know." "I won't charge you for that." " Anything else?" " Yes." "I'll have a roll of Bounty and a bucket of disinfectant." "Move." "Morning, Alice." "I don't know if you've heard this but" "Calvin and I are facing a possible three-month suspension." "In some ways I feel responsible." "Don't care." "Stop shouting." "Move." "Hey Tina, I don't know if you've heard this, but" "Calvin and I are facing a possible three-month suspension." "Don't care." "Stop whining." "What's the deal with the English chick?" "Alice?" "She's all right." "And like you, she's kind of into me." "Oh, you mean not at all." "Exactly." "Right." "Because I was at a bar with her last night." "And she got wasted and cleaned out the whole place." "She drove people away?" "No--no--no, she actually cleaned the whole place." "That reminds me of Calvin." "We used to get drunk together." "God, I miss him." "He's right there." "He's kinda not talking to me." "Oh, lover's spat?" "Whose fault is it?" "You never can really assign blame to these th" " Me, it's all me." "Will somebody turn that damn thing off?" "Listen, Calvin, look," "I really think we should present a united front for this hearing." "So I designed us some armbands." "You know I love armbands." "Those are just coffee sleeves." "I'm not talking to you, all right?" "The only person I'm gonna talk to now is our union representative." "Boys, I just heard from Local 390 that you got some trouble." "Dick, you're our union rep?" "Yeah, I woulda been here sooner, but I was waiting for them to refill the pepper bar at Quiznos." "Mr. Dougan, why don't you have a seat inside, huh?" "Okay." "Now, Mr. Cahill and Mr. Babbitt, I just want to explain how this works." "The complaining parent, Mr. Dougan, will make a statement." "You'll have a chance to respond." "At which point I will pretend to deliberate before I decide against you." "Sounds fair." "Come on." "Emma, there's gotta be a scenario where we get out of this." "Oh yes, there is, no, it involves a unicorn coming in and whisking you off to marshmallow land." "Is this where the curriculum committee meets?" "Tina." "I wanna help out because I care about the faculty, and the school, and all that crap." "I see." "I've seen a lot of crazy behavior in that bar, but drunk or sober," "I've never seen anyone clean like that." "Oh, is that what I did?" "Oh, thank God." "Because when I woke up I couldn't remember anything, and I smelled like bleach." "You know, I know it was hard for you to come down there last night, and I wanted to say that I might have misjudged you." "Thanks." "You know, maybe you can fill in a blank for me." "I seem to have a memory of a crowd of people cheering, "Go, go, go."" "Was I doing shots?" "No, you were swiffering the kitchen." "Look Alice, the only reason I'm working there is to pay off my student loans." "And as soon as I do, I'm outta there." "So I don't know why I want you to know that, but I do." "Do you still want to join the committee?" "I'd like to be asked." "Well, I'm asking." "Absolutely not." "Oh, um, and one more thing, we don't have to be friends or anything, but if you ever wanna come over some time and maybe we can have some drinks." "I'm not cleaning your house." "Never mind then." "Look, I don't care if it was written by Shakespeare." "That doesn't change the fact that Romeo and Juliet is a play about gang violence, teenage sexuality, and defiance of parental authority." "Look, that stuff may be in there but that's not what the kids take from it." "All they remember is that two teenagers fell in love and then killed themselves." "Mr. Dougan, I just want you to know that I share your indignation, and I hope these teachers get what's coming to them." "Thank you." "Are you a parent too?" "Oh no, I'm not allowed to have children." "Okay, Mr. Cahill, Mr. Babbitt, do you wanna say anything?" "I do." "Emma, Mr. Dougan didn't sign his permission slip, so his kid didn't go." "But you're telling me that he has the right to deny 46 or 47 other kids the ch-- well, maybe 48, who knows-- the chance to do something that they could never experience in the classroom?" "That's just wrong." "Because sometimes when you get off your ass and do something that you wouldn't normally do, your elbow can graze against something pretty exciting." "You should really know that Calvin had nothing to do with this." "It was all me." "So if you're gonna suspend someone, it should be me." "Hold up." "Maybe I didn't know about it." "But even if I did, I would have gone anyway." "So suspend me." "Look, no one is getting suspended." "What?" "I don't like these guys." "I mean, you know that, right?" "But we're talking about Romeo and Juliet here." "And if I bend on this, then all you kook parents will come out of the woodwork." "So as much as this hurts, case dismissed." "I am president of The Concerned Parents Association." "I can make your life hell." "I'm the principal of a public school." "I'm already there." "And that is the power of your union, boys." "All right, I get it." "That's the last time that I push you to do something that you don't wanna do." "Good." "Thank you." "But you will still push me a little bit, won't you?" "Oh, all the time." "You may have gotten out of this one, but you'll slip up again." "And when you do, I will be there." "Once again, Mitch." "Just a math teacher." "Sheriff math teacher."