"(Tires squealing)" "Punch it, Private!" "♪" "Ahh!" "(Tires squealing)" "Private." "What was that!" "?" "You could've broken the track record!" "(Chirping)" "PRIVATE:" "Oh, you're welcome, little guy." "Sorry, Skipper." "I guess nice guys really do finish last." "Yup, that's just nature's way, young Private." "VOICE:" "Yee-haw, hole in one!" "Intruder alert." "Mister, I ain't no intruder." "I am the Amarillo Kid." "Should I know you?" "Only if your name is..." "Mr. Tux." "Oh!" "Kowalski, my alias portfolio." "Let's see, there's two-bit hood Jack the Knife, international playbird Diego Garcia, wealthy industrialist" "Lincoln Douglas." "I'm not seeing a Mr. Tux here, Skipper." "Perhaps it was the time I woke up in that Kyoto hotel room on a bed of counterfeit Deutsche Marks." "I'm Mr. Tux." "(Western-style music playing)" "(Laughing)" "Oh, yeah." "Well thanks, young Private, I think I got this." "Ha!" "Well, Mr. Tux." "Been a long time." "Longer than a yeller snake in a bowl of red bean chilli." "What?" "See, Mr. Tux and me, we have some unfinished "bidness."" "Our Private?" "Your business is all finished, isn't it, Private?" "a long, long time." "Yeah, that's right." "Longer than a yeller..." "Zip it, Kid!" "You're wasting your breath." "I'm a different man, now." "Man?" "But Private's so..." "Private-y." "What's this about?" "Mr. Tux knows what it's about." "I told you." "Never again." "Never say never." "Unless it's when you're saying never to say..." "Never." "Heh." "Armadillos are all just whacked out from the scorching desert heat." "Well, Private." "What an unexpected dimension this adds to your character." "Yeah, that's..." "I don't like it!" "I like my men one-dimensional." "Works better for me." "Hmm?" "Oh, heh." "Sorry, Skipper." "I was young and foolish." "(Spitting)" "Sorry." "Went down the wrong oesophagus." "Here's what we got." "Two eggs, two flapjacks, two strips of bacon." "One smiley face." "Might make you change your mind." "What do you say, Mr. Tux?" "Mr. Tux left nothing but a trail of broken hearts and shattered dreams." "Tell you what, you sure shattered my dreams." "Like a big old china plate." "Of dreams." "No, I will not play your cursed game, Amarillo Kid." "Well, we'll just see about that, dramatic pronouncement n' such Mr. Tux." "What does he mean, game?" "It was brutal combat, Skipper, and I was the best." "But I walked away before it destroyed me." "Uh, guys?" "I think you're gonna wanna get out here." "(Snorting and snickering)" "SKIPPER:" "Hey, what's the deal?" "I'm just warming up on the locals before I whup Mr. Tux." "Wait, you mean the "brutal combat" was...?" "Mini golf." "(Spitting)" "Sorry again." "I thought he said, "mini golf."" "No, that's right." "Miniature golf." "(Spitting)" "With the windmills and the neon coloured balls?" "And the little pencil-y things?" "Oh, you betcha." "Now, if you don't mind, watch me sink this putt." "Oh, he's made this interesting." "Everybody be interested." ""Made it interesting?"" "You mean you're betting this nutball?" "Technically, I'm losing everything to this nutball." "But I can't let that distract me from my game." "Julian, he's hustling you." "Oh, really?" "Well, what makes you think so?" "Look out, clown's mouth." "MARLENE:" "I don't know, call it a hunch." "Not to worry." "I have already doubled down, so all I need to do is make this shot." "Doubled down?" "But what have you got left to bet?" "Nothing that is too valuable." "Only my "loyalest" subjects." "Yeah, me!" "Look, this isn't fair, Kid, that shot is impossible." "Impossible for him, maybe." "But not for Mr. Tux." "I think I might stuff 'em and put 'em next to my jackalope." "Maybe put little antlers on them, too." "Call 'em "lemur-lopes."" "Wait!" "(Dramatic music)" "(Clown laughing)" "(Bells dinging)" "(Whimpering)" "I swore, I swore I would never, ever, ever play that infernal game again." "(Spitting)" "Okay, my bad." "I really should just put this mug down." "Private." "What could be so infernal about mini golf?" "(Kowalski spitting)" "It wasn't the game." "It's what it did to me." "(Western-style music playing)" "I started playing for fun." "But I was good." "I was too good." "Pretty soon, every young punk who thought he could hit a straight putt came looking for me." "And then one day, a young armadillo was playing me tough." "(Western-style music playing)" "And I started to worry..." "That for the first time, I might lose." "So I did the unthinkable." "(Sad music playing)" "That was it for me." "I just walked away." "So you quit the game?" "Yes, forever." "Over an ice cream cone?" "It was a double scoop!" "Couldn't you just buy the girl another ice cream, or, you know, I don't..." "It wasn't just the ice cream, it was me!" "The pressure of the competition was making me tart." "And churlish." "And yes, I'll admit it, at times, even a bit..." "Snippety." "Well, Private, as utterly ridiculous as that sounds to all of us, we're behind you 100%." "(Banging loudly)" "You know what I'm here for." "Sorry, armadillo, Mr. Tux is retired." "Permanently." "Don't make me take Rico off his leash." "(Growling)" "I got a date with destiny, Mister." "You don't mess with destiny." "Or Texas." "Both..." "What do you say, Mr. Tux?" "Fancy a little game?" "I warned you, Kid!" "Rico, find the armadillo, do something horrific." "Oh yeah." "VOICE:" "Self destruct sequence initiated." "A thermo fusion reactor!" "Yeah, 'bout that?" "I took the liberty of changing the deactivation code." "(Snickering)" "So no one gets out of here until I've had my game with Mr. Tux." "You think you can manually override the self-destruct sequence?" "Probably not." "Private, I know you swore never to play again." "If he wants Mr. Tux, I'll give him Mr. Tux." "Now you go get him, Private." "We all believe in you." "(Screaming)" "JULIAN:" "Live from Central Park Zoo, in, you know, Central" "Park, hello and welcome to the Zoosters Cup." "I will be your whispery announcer guy." "You're gonna give me your best game, Mr. Tux, or this whole animal farm won't be worth more than a toothless sidewinder on Easter Sunday!" "And the trash talk is inscrutable." "He's gonna blow up the zoo?" "Ooh!" "High stakes, exciting." "Shh, they're about to tee off." "Quiet in the gallery!" "The instruction manual is around here somewhere, I know it." "Here we go, got it!" "No, wait, this is for the microwave." "Ohh, we have a popcorn setting?" "(Snickering)" "Yee haw!" ""Press and hold the start button for five seconds." "Then toggle... "" "I'm pressing the start button!" "That's the menu button." "Oh, well, which one is..." "So, our two mini golf gladiators enter the final hole all tied up." "Not like in ropes, but, you know, like, in scores." "A hush has fallen over the crowd and I, oh, am I right in the way here, a little bit?" "(Spitting)" "It was worth a try!" "You hit that shot and you beat me, Mr. Tux." "Guess you'd best not miss." "Count on it." "(Air hissing)" "Oopsie." "(Snickering)" "Hey, what was that?" "No fair!" "I decide what's fair." "And Mr. Tux needs to sink that shot!" "SKIPPER:" "Private, I know I throw the encouragement around like candy." "This time I mean it." "'Cause I have no choice." "Quick, what is he doing?" "But that's the opposite direction." "JULIAN:" "Here we go, for the match and the bragger's rights." "MAURICE:" "And all of our lives." "I can't watch!" "But I must peek." "(Snickering)" "It's all over!" "I'm the best!" "I told you, I'm fancier than a peacock in a crow flock." "Yeehaw!" "No, Kid." "You might wanna take back that "yeehaw!"" "Huh, what the...?" "(Cheering)" "He did it!" "And the stinky penguin wins!" "Yay for the Private in a bowtie!" "Well, Kid, you wanted my best game." "How's it taste?" "Like a tall glass of loser?" "(Gulping)" "Kinda." "SKIPPER:" "Nice job, young Mr. Tux." "That last shot, I mean, wow!" "The ball had totally stopped!" "How did you do it, Private?" "Well, let's just say..." "Nice guys don't always finish last."