""Melissa and Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience." "Charlotte, I really appreciate your honesty." "You're a good friend." "Honest." "Okay, talk later." "Bye." "Well, I'm never seeing that bitch again." "You just said you appreciated her honesty." "Obviously I was lying." "How I feel and what I say isn't always related." "That's good to know." "I just called to confirm our dinner for this weekend and she said, get this..." "That she's not sure they're going to be hungry that night." "Okay, if she's going to blow us off, she'd better put a little more effort into it than that." "No kidding." "Finally she told me the truth." "They don't want to hang out with us anymore because we argue too much." " We do not argue too much." " Yes, we do!" "No, we don't." "What we do is we disagree with volume." "And hand gestures." "Well, Charlotte said that nobody can relax around us because of all of the loud disagreeing." "Nobody can relax around us?" "!" "That's ridic..." "I am insanely relaxing." "I'm like Xanax in human form." "Well, you are a pill." "Look, I think it's time we face the fact" " that we have a problem." " We do not have a problem, honey." "The only problem is that you think we have a problem." "So you admit we have a problem." "Wow, you guys started early today." "Started what?" "Arguing." "I could hear you over Ryder's bathroom noises." "See?" "Okay, fine, so we argue occasionally." "That doesn't mean we have a problem." "Lennox, you can handle this for us." "You think your aunt and I argue too much?" "Yes." " She's totally right." " She's obviously wrong." "Hey, great news." "The air-conditioning repairman is coming on Thursday." " Why?" " To fix the air-conditioning." "Honey, it's not broken." "You just don't know how to set it." " Yes, I do." " No, you don't." "No, no." "You can't use a hammer to set the temperature." "Joe, look, it needs some work." "And so do we." "Oh, jeez." "Is this about the whole arguing thing again..." "Which, by the way, we really do not do." "We can't go more than three sentences without contradicting each other." "That's..." "But..." "That's a new dress, isn't it?" "No." "Look, all of my girlfriends that are in healthy relationships go to couples' counseling." "I think we should give it a try." "Oh, my God." "You want us to go to therapy?" "Like I gotta cry and stuff?" "Everyone can benefit from counseling." "You don't only go to the dentist when you have a cavity." "You go for prevention." "My dentist is a sadist." "Okay, bad example." "Couples' therapy is something you should do for better health." "Like getting a colonoscopy." "You really know how to sell this, don't you?" "So you don't think we should bother improving our relationship?" "I didn't say that." "I just don't think couples' therapy is a worthwhile investment for us, okay?" "Honey, you don't bring in a third party to help a couple out with their problems." "Three does not equal two." "It's just math." "Math is never wrong." "You know what I think?" "I think you're resistant to therapy because you are not open to new ideas." "That's not true." "I'm just closed to bad ideas." "Okay, fine." "I'm sure you have lots of interesting ideas about how to improve our relationship." " I would love to hear them." " I would love to share them with you." " Great, go ahead." " Okay, first off..." "Okay, as I was saying, I don't..." "What I was trying to say was I don't..." "You're going to keep doing that until I agree to go to therapy, aren't you?" " Oh, is this frustrating you?" " Little bit, yep." "Well, maybe you could talk about that frustration in our first session." "Fine, I'll go." " Yay!" " But not because you're right, okay?" "It's because I'm just trying to..." "I..." "And then, at the 10-second mark," "Cassandra's superpowers kick in." "She's reading "Romeo and Juliet" and..." "And Juliet leaps off the page." "Well, with my animation, it'll be less of a graceful leap." "More of a choppy bounce." "And then, Cassandra says to Juliet," ""listen, girl, I know he has cute floppy hair and all..."" ""But he is so not worth it."" ""Totally."" "You know, Zander, even though you're halfway across the country, it feels like you're right here in my room." "Just with a four-second delay." "Yeah, I totally know..." "What..." "I was just messing with you." "Hey, babe." "Ryder said you were on the phone." "Hey, Emerson." "Yeah, I am just finishing up a session with Zander." "He's my..." "He's my creative partner." "Oh, the ex." "Dude, what's up?" "Hey, I know this could be awkward." "New boyfriend, old boyfriend." "But listen..." "I'm not jealous." "Lennox told me it's strictly professional between you two now." "Ah, that's interesting." "Lennox told me absolutely nothing about a new boyfriend." "Yeah." "You know, I meant to tell you." "I was just waiting for the right time." "Apparently out of nowhere is the right time." " Zander..." " No, no." "It's fine." "I get it, you know." "You're in college now." "It's good that you're meeting all the new freshmen." "Actually, I'm her philosophy T.A." "Oh, wow." "You know, dating a teaching assistant is really not allowed at my school." "But, hey, that's probably a rule that was created for no reason whatsoever." "Listen, we should really get going." "Okay, well, have fun you two lovebirds." "Or should I say one sweet, innocent lovebird and one much older predator." "Good-bye!" "Okay, this is not a judgment about the therapist, but I just want to point out that all the magazines here suck." "Joe, you promised you'd have an open mind." " Right." " And when we go in there," " you'll participate, right?" " Yep." "And you'll use more than one syllable?" "Done." "Look, Dr. Kathryn Miller is the best therapist in the city." "She even saved my friend Rebecca and Phil's marriage and that was after Phil became felicity." "I'm just going to throw this out there." "That's not going to be our issue, okay?" "Thanks for pointing that out, though." "And you can stop with the sales pitch, Mel." "I'm here." "Don't I get a sticker or something for just showing up?" "Yeah, Joe, that's why we're here." "For the stickers." "Oh, you must be..." "Joe?" "Katie?" "Actually, I go by Kathryn here." "Oh, you guys know each other?" "It's a funny story, actually, honey." " We..." " Dated." "Briefly." "Years ago." "She beat me to it." "If this is a problem," "I'm happy to waive my 24-hour cancellation fee." "No, don't, you're the best therapist in the city and it was tough to get certain people down here." "Well, if neither of you have an issue," "I'm comfortable putting the past aside." "I mean, what happened between Joe and me was so long ago." " Years ago, actually." " It's insignificant now." "Yeah, it was a blip." "It was a blip, really." "Not even a blip, actually, more like a..." "You know, a... blip!" "Then we're good." "This is not a big deal." "I can't tell you the amount of times we've run into someone" "I've hooked up with..." "I mean, happens all the time." "Like, all the time." "Okay." "Okay, Mel..." "Mel, thank you." "Let's save something for the session, shall we?" "So we were in the parking structure and I suggested going up a level but Joe refused, and I park in that structure every day." "I mean, every day." "You know, I'm noticing a pattern here." "What I'm hearing is that Joe is, by nature, very strong-willed and not open to new ideas." "What do you think about that, Joe?" "You really hit the nail on the head, Katie." "I mean, you are an amazingly perceptive person." "So you agree this is something you need to work on?" "Absolutely." "Absolutely." "100%." "And thank you." "Thank you so much for pointing that out to me." "I don't know why no one else has ever said that to me before." "Are you kidding me?" "I said that." "I said that yesterday." "I think I would have remembered if she had said something that insightful." "Clearly not." "Perhaps you're both right." "Sometimes it's difficult for couples to really hear each other." "Wow, that is another great point, Katie." "I'm sorry." "Dr. Miller." "You know, this has been such an eye-opening experience for me." "I mean, I guess sometimes it really does take a third person to come in and help two people out with their problems." "I mean, you know, three is greater than two." "It's really..." "It's really just math." "Right?" "Yeah." "You know, Mel, one syllable responses are not always the most helpful." "She's good." " Zander." " Surprise." "What are you doing here?" "I was really hoping for," ""hey, have you been working out?"" "'Cause I have." "Wait... what... you have class in 10 minutes." "In Vermont." "You know, I think you're going to miss it." "I actually came into town for my aunt's funeral." "Oh." "Oh, my God." "I am so sorry." "Come in." "Thanks." "I appreciate it." "Actually, it was my aunt's cat's funeral, but..." "You know, now that he's gone, it's really just a matter of time before the old lady lets go too." "Anyways, point is, I'm here." "What about your midterms?" "They let you make 'em up." "I think." "You know what..." "I'll just tell the Dean that" "I was sad." "Gets you out of anything at art school." "Right, okay." "So listen, len." "The untimely passing of my aunt's cat has got me thinking." "Should you really be dating your teaching assistant?" "I mean, should anybody?" "Really?" "'Cause... ugh." "Oh, gee." "You know, the death of a cat affects us all in different ways." "And some that are none of your business, Zander." "Yeah, yeah, uh-huh." "Understood." "So aren't you just like a little bit concerned that he'll treat you differently than the other students?" "Because, you know, you treat him differently." "What, you think he'll give me an automatic "A"" "because I'm his girlfriend?" "Not automatic." "I mean, I'm sure you'll have to work for it." "Excuse me?" "No." "No." "Mm-mm." "No, see, the..." "What I meant was..." "Is that he's..." "He's older, you know." "And he might abuse his power." "I'm 18 and he's 23, okay?" "There is nothing wrong with that." "Lennox." "Oh, what did Mel and Joe say when you told them you were dating your T.A.?" "Shh!" "They'll hear you." "Oh!" "You haven't told them yet because you know what you're doing is wrong... ha!" "Oh, Zander." "I didn't know you were in town." "So what exactly is Lennox doing wrong?" "Well, Mel, I hate to rat Lennox out." "But she's been..." "Smuggling food out of the dining hall." "Oh, that's not wrong." "In politics, we define wrong as "will anyone really notice?"" "You know, speaking of which, at the budget meeting today" "I yelled out, "dibs on the bagels!"" "Here you go." "All right." "Save me one." "Hey, Joe, we need to talk about this morning's therapy session." "Happy to." "Can't wait for the next session." "Yeah, well, that will be Tuesday the 14th of never." "What was that little "teacher's pet" routine of yours?" "What are you talking about?" "Come on!" "You spent the whole time bending over backwards trying to kiss her butt." "It was like watching the Cirque du Soleil of ass-kissing." "Whoa, wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Hold up, hold up." "Are you jealous?" "Of a tall, beautiful, highly-educated professional woman you used to date?" "Please." "Oh, come on." "It was a long time ago." "It meant nothing, you know, and after a short period of time," " I broke up with her." " You broke up with her?" "Yeah, she wasn't what I was looking for, so I ended it." "You broke up with her." "Yes, I broke up with her, all right?" "It didn't matter to her and it didn't matter to me." "And I thought it didn't matter to you, but apparently I was wrong." "Wait, so if this wasn't about Kathryn, then... okay." "I get it." "You were trying to beat me at therapy." "Honey, please." "It's not a competition." "Okay?" "But if it was, probably would have been a shutout." "You know, therapy is not about who wins and loses." "It's about doing what's best for the relationship." "But if it was a competition," "I would smoke you like a Cuban cigar." "Yeah, well, we'll just have to see next time, won't we?" "Clearly we need help." "Yeah." "Oh, hi, Mel." "Have you been here long?" "Oh, don't worry, I didn't hear anything you said to your last patient." "Just the "wah, wah, nobody loves me" part." "Actually, I was in there by myself." "Kidding!" "You know, Mel, I am impressed that you're continuing to see me even though you know I dated Joe." "A lot of people wouldn't be able to handle that." "It shows a lot of maturity." "Well, I'm impressed that you're okay hearing about me and Joe after he dumped you." "I have to say I am not on the best of terms with a lot of the guys that gave me the old heave-ho." "That's what Joe told you, is it?" " What do you mean?" " Oh, nothing." "Your face didn't really look like, "oh, nothing."" "Well, not to dredge up the past, but I was definitely the one who broke it off." "Not Joe." "Oh, okay." "Well, I guess, you know," "Joe probably shaded the truth out of pride." "The therapeutic term for that is "lying."" "Okay, but it's not that big of a deal, right?" "'Cause Joe promised he's gonna work on himself." "Yes, but what if he's lying?" "Since apparently he has no problem lying." "But you said in our last session that Joe was making real progress." "Yes, but that's before I knew about the lying." "Okay, could you stop saying lying for a sec?" "Listen, Mel," "I'm not saying this as your therapist, but woman to woman," "I'd say that Joe's revisionist history about who broke up with who is just, well, very telling." "Telling like telling a fun story, or..." "Telling of a larger issue." "I'm just glad I spotted the warning signs early and got out when I did." "Look, I know things didn't work out with you and him, but Joe and I have a great relationship." "And that's why you came to see a therapist..." "To talk about how great your relationship is?" "Our relationship is solid." "We just came in for a little tune-up." "Listen, Mel, if I could give you a piece of advice about Joe..." "Run!" "Run while you still can." "But, well, Joe loves me." "And if he can't be honest with you now, what's gonna happen in the future?" "Hey!" "I'm here, I'm here." "I'm so sorry I'm late." "What did I miss?" "Nothing." "We haven't started yet." "Oh, good." "I just remembered..." "I have a thing." "You have a thing?" "What thing?" "A big thing." "A thing we can't miss." "And we have to go right now and never come back." "But wait, what?" "!" "I can't believe I forgot about it until just now." "Bye!" "But I..." "I..." "I just paid for parking." "It was like eight dollars." "Oh, my goodness." "Check out this drivel your fellow student wrote on the hegelian dialectic." ""Mr. Hegel's cool ideas never truly go out of style."" "Uh, you know what, babe?" "I really don't think you should read that to me." "You're right." "Just hearing it could kill brain cells. "D."" "Oh, wait." "No, his parents are alumni." ""C."" "Ooh." "Here's an interesting test by Lennox Scanlon." "Oh, you know what?" "I..." "I can leave the room while you grade it." "No, no, no." "You don't have to do that." "Your smokin' hot presence won't sway me." "Okay, well, just don't tell me my grade." "Shh, shh, shh." "I'm reading something." "Something very intelligent that bears out my choice in girlfriends." "Uh-oh!" "What's uh-oh?" "You didn't answer the question on the back of the page." "There was a question on the back?" "Lennox, relax..." "I know you know the supposed contradictions between being and not being." "We talked about this." "Right?" "Yeah, but..." "Check. "A."" "What are you doing?" "I'm just giving you the grade you deserve, babe." "Um, okay." "And just act all surprised when I hand back the tests." "Like it's your birthday." "Hmm..." "So, then... what do you want to do, Ms. Burke?" "Well, you know, I thought I knew until this afternoon." "Oh, you mean about the air-conditioning?" "Um, I..." "I don't know." "What do you think, Wayne?" "I say dump it." "You know I've always told you the truth." "You're better off replacing it with a new system that doesn't have so many issues." "But I like this one." "I mean, even though it can be loud and annoying and sometimes I want to smack it..." "Huh?" "I mean, I'm comfortable with this one, you know?" "I mean, the current air-conditioning unit." "I don't know." "You stick with this one, it's just gonna cause you a world of pain." "But what if this system is the one?" "You know, for my house." "I mean, I don't appreciate people telling me" "I should get rid of something I've lived with for so long and can see spending the rest of my life with." "This isn't really about the air conditioner, is it?" "How 'bout I come back in a week or two after you've had a chance to collect your thoughts..." "On air-conditioning." "Yeah?" "Hi." "I have something for you." "Oh, is it unsolicited advice on how to live my life?" "'Cause I'm all stocked up." "No, no." "It's just some new artwork for our web series." "Shouldn't you be getting back to school?" "Yeah." "I've got my meeting with the Dean tomorrow, so I'm working on my look of despair." "How's this?" "Stick out your lower lip a little bit." "Yeah, there you go." "Come in." "But hey, you know, while I'm here," "I just want to say" "I'm really sorry about yesterday." "When I implied that you're getting special treatment by dating your T.A. I was way off base." "'Cause you're like the most principled person I know." "Don't say that, please." "No, it's true." "And I just say that because I really care about you." "As a friend." "Not as a girlfriend." "'Cause, you know, that's where we're at right now, because you're... because you're with someone else." "Right?" "Yes, I am." "I should be getting back to Vermont." "Right." "So, bye." "I gotta go." "Hey, Mel." "I got a guy in the garage waiting for a training session, but I saw your car in the driveway so I just wanted to come say hi." "Oh, hello." "Hey, um... are you okay?" "'Cause you seemed a little..." "Upset this afternoon." "Oh, I was." "But, you know, I'm okay now." "This helped." "All right." "Hey, Joe, can I ask you a quick question?" "Sure." "What's up?" "Are we gonna make it?" "Of course." "What are we talking about?" "Be honest." "Do you think we have a future together?" "As a couple?" "Where's this coming from, Mel?" "Well, uh... when I talked to Kathryn today she told me something very interesting." "She said that she broke up with you." "Is that true?" "You know what?" "Now that I think about it that..." "That is what happened." "So then why did you tell me you dumped her?" "Man, it's hot in here." "The A.C. guy ever come over today or what?" "Don't change the subject." "Look, Mel, um... there's a perfectly good explanation for all this, okay?" "And once you hear it, it will answer all of your questions." "I lied." "How could you do that?" "Do you want a relationship built on lies?" "Wait a minute, now." "It's not lies." "It was a lie." "And you wouldn't have even known about it if I hadn't told you." "You didn't tell me." "Point taken." "Why would you lie to me?" "It's not what you think, all right?" "I..." "I lied to, um..." "To what, Joe?" "I lied because I didn't want you to think you were dating somebody's cast-off." "That's why you did it?" "Yes, yes." "Okay?" "Because you deserve the best and I'm not always that." "And you know, I..." "I guess I thought that if you knew that she dumped me that you'd think less of me, and, you know, I kind of..." "I..." "I want to be seen as perfect in your eyes." "Oh, Joe." "I'll never see you that way." "Thanks a lot." "No, it's just that, you know," "I guess I'm not done trying to impress you yet." "Oh, and I hope you never are." "Hey, you know, I don't think it's so bad that we argue." "We don't argue." "Who says we argue?" "Okay!" "We disagree with volume and drive each other insane." "But you know, we get it all out." "We don't hold anything back." "Yeah?" "I'm actually kinda holding something back right now." "It's got nothing to do with arguing, though." "Don't you have a client to train?" "Yeah, I told him to warm up for ten minutes on the stairmaster." "That means we got nine whole minutes, baby." "Come on." "Hey Wayne." "I'm sorry to bother you, Ms. Burke." "Yeah, wayne, I thought we weren't going to talk for a couple of weeks." " This couldn't wait." " What is it?" "Your air conditionner is perfectly fine." "That's why I'm here." "But you told me to dump it." "You said it was outmoded and would cause me nothing but pain and heartache." "I lied." "I've been getting a lot of pressure from the suits to sell the new systems." "That's where all the profit is, but, then I felt terrible, because, well, our relationship is more important than moving some new condenser." "But the air conditioner's not working properly." "Nah... you just don't know how to set it." "I can show you." "Wait, wait, wait, so you're saying my system is fine and wonderful?" "Yeah." "This could be the last system you ever buy." "It should last a lifetime." "Bless you!"