"(audience cheering and applauding)" "Hello!" "Hello, everybody!" "Yes, we're older, we're fatter, we're greyer," "But we're back!" "We're back!" "(audience cheers)" "And for the first time ever," "We are being broadcast, simultaneously," "Right around the world." "So, bonjour, g'day," "Moshi moshi und wilkommen!" "And coming up now is a taste of what you can expect" "Over the next 10, yes, 10, weeks." "Are you ready?" "Now!" "We are revolutionising the world of cowboying." "This is all perfectly normal." "Do not let american top gear" "Lap british top gear." "Hammond!" "(wolf howls)" "Coming to get you, hammond." "(laughs raucously)" "You need a new rear exhaust silencer." "God's holy trousers!" "Calm, controlled, smooth." "Good for the patient." "Fuelled up." "I'm amped up." "I'm pumped up." "But it is" "The stig's australian cousin." "Argh!" "Argh!" "Argh!" "May god have mercy." "What in god's name is happening?" "(audience cheers and applauds)" "Now that all looks very exciting," "But we start tonight with our sensible hats on." "You see, a few years ago, we staged a race across london." "We used a car, public transport," "Bicycle and a speedboat, down the river thames." "And it was one of our more genuinely interesting tests." "Yeah, it was, but it's always troubled us," "Because the bicycle, ridden by me, won." "And the car, which is the whole point of this show," "Came home stone-dead last." "That's 'cause he was driving it." "Well." "Look, it wasn't entirely fair, was it?" "Because the car I had was a gigantic mercedes off-roader." "It's not really suitable for london traffic." "Yes, whatever, okay?" "We decided we would re-run the race," "Only this time, we'd use a car" "That was a little more suitable for city centre work." "Absolutely, the question now, though, was, which city?" "Because we'd already done london, obviously." "So, jeremy got a map and a pin," "And because he's very tall and he has monkey's arms..." "(audience laughs) -..." "That is where we ended up." "(variety of russian media broadcasts)" "May:" "This is st petersburg in russia," "The most northerly bigcityintheworld ." "And this is the car I 'llbeusing." "(quacking)" "This is the two-seat renault twizy." "It costs just £7,000" "And it's an all-electric car designed specifically" "For the narrow streets of europe's cities." "With this, I can't really lose." "Yes, he can, because I shall be using this." "It's the same sort of bicycle that chris froome used" "In this year's tour de France." "Now, it is expensive." "£9,000." "It's £2,000 more than james' car." "It's a lot for a bicycle, I know," "But it's made of special carbon fibre," "So it weighs just 860 grams." "I love this thing." "Every detail, it's just..." "Look at that, it's magnificent." "Special." "May:" "Morning." "Nice." "Yeah, I'd say." "Bloody hell!" "I know." "That's amazing." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Not good for you, I'm afraid, hammond." "I've got some medical research here." "That racing saddle will put" "Between 25 and 40% of your body weight" "On your perineum, which is the bit of you" "Between your anus and your scrotum." "And as a result, blood oxygen levels" "In surrounding areas will drop by 80%." "What are you saying?" "(stammers)" "Medical advice, cycling is good for you." "It's healthy..." "Wrong." "Gets your lungs working, non-impact." "Wrong." "Totally wrong." "Good for your cardiovascular system..." "See?" "..." "Bad for your chap." "My what?" "Your chap." "Uh, honestly, listen to this." ""cyclists aged over 40 are considered" ""at greater risk of erectile dysfunction."" "Yes, yes." "Thank you, dr clarkson." "That's fascinating." "What about the stig?" "Clarkson:" "Oh, he's just on public transport, as before, yeah." "And you?" "Well, now, you see, last time, as you know," "I used a speedboat to go across london." "Yes." "But at the end, it couldn't go on land," "So I had to run, which cost me the race." "This time, however, I've chosen a boat that can." "Hammond:" "Hang on a minute." "Isn't that a hovervan?" "It looks like a hovervan." "Hammond:" "Well, it is." "Clarkson:" "Well, now, listen, gentlemen." "Most people laughed at our idea" "When we went on the river avon in ours," "But the russians have taken our idea" "And put it into production." "It's a hovervan." "It's a hovervan!" "Are you feeling proud?" "(hammond stutters)" "This is fantastic." "Right, gull-wing doors." "We didn't think of that." "Hammond:" "It's got a proper dashboard!" "Clarkson:" "I know." "It's from a lada." "Hammond:" "Is it?" "May:" "It really does look a van." "It is a van." "It's got lada engines, two of them, 72 horsepower." "Reliable." "Hammond: 72 horsepower?" "Each." "May:" "Seventy-two?" "How do you operate it?" "Yeah, what do those two pedals do?" "Clarkson:" "These?" "May:" "Yeah." "Pitch." "Hammond:" "What pitch?" "Of?" "Clarkson:" "Propeller pitch." "How do you steer it?" "Do you steer it with the wheel?" "Ah, no." "Yes." "No, yes?" "When you're going quickly, this..." "As you can see, right, I'm turning the rudders, yes?" "May:" "Yeah." "Clarkson:" "But that doesn't work at slow speed." "How do you steer it at slow speed?" "With pitch." "May:" "So, if you're trying to turn tightly at low speed," "Which is when your rudders aren't very effective..." "Yeah." "...Do you use differential throttle or differential pitch?" "(whispers) he doesn't know." "Clarkson:" "Yes, I..." "What?" "So, which do you do?" "Both." "Are there instructions?" "Yeah, they're all in russian." "So, you're going to race us in a hovercraft" "With a fraction of the power, anyway, of the one we built," "Plus, with controls you don't understand," "And the instructions are in russian, which you don't speak." "Clarkson:" "With my confidence brimming," "It was time to prepare for our important race." "If I'd come out and my bike had been nicked, then, I'd have been furious." "Clarkson:" "We'd start atthevostochnyyachtclub" "And, from there, we'd race for 18 miles," "All the way across stpetersburg," "To the finish line onyelaginisland," "Outside a palace called..." "Yella-goose oosh-grooss?" "Stroos. (mutters)" "That's all in russian." "That's all in russian." "(quacking)" "(counts down in russian)" "Right, this is it." "Goodbye, stig." "Forward into glory." "Here we go." "Defending the honour of the car, sort of." "I don't know what any of that means!" "Right, junction." "I've got my feet clipped in the pedals." "I simply cannot stop." "May:" "Stupid boy." "Hammond:" "Wrong gear." "(snickers)" "(mechanical whirring)" "More power." "Move!" "Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait." "Oh, christ!" "Oh, no." "Oh, no, that's..." "A rock, a rock, a rock." "Well, we're just going into those reeds and this does nothing." "Back!" "It's..." "Shit, shit, shit." "Forwards again on that one." "This is..." "I'm busy." "I'm very busy." "I think that's on..." "Bump!" "Ow!" "That's probably ruined my sausage a bit more." "(children chattering)" "Clarkson:" "Go over there!" "Go over there!" "(stammers)" "Oh, god strewth!" "Now it's just going round in circles." "Pitch, pitch, pitch." "Right, now I want to go that way." "It's cool." "Christ on a bike!" "I'm stuck in my own wake!" "(tram bell ringing)" "(beeps)" "(beeps)" "May:" "As my three opponents..." "Clarkson:" "Come on!" "...Well, two of them, settledintothe race," "I was getting to know my car." "So, what is a twizy exactly?" "Well, it's a metal cage, this frame," "And there are plastic panels hung all over it." "There are two seats, one behind the other, like a tandem." "Underneath me is the battery pack." "That powers a 17-horsepower electric motor, driving the rear wheels." "Acceleration?" "Well, it can't actually go fromnaughtto60" "Because its top speed is 50." "But it does have a claimedrangeof60miles ." "And as an extra treat..." "Scissor doors." "Have you got scissor doors, sir?" "No." "Nyet." "Hammond:" "However, the twizy isstoneage technology" "Compared to my bicycle." "Now, I actually have electronic gears on this thing." "So when I hit the button on the handle bars," "The derailleur, the thing at the back that changes gear," "Moves across with a robocop-like noise." "And to make the whole thing asstreamlinedaspossible," "It's been shaped in jaguar's wind tunnel." "It even directs the air around the front forks and around the drinking bottle" "So it doesn't hit the rider's shins," "Which are very un-aerodynamic." "Ha-ha." "There's may." "Yes!" "(hammond laughs)" "No." "Hammond, here's what 17 horsepower will do." "Yee-haw!" "Oh, god." "Clarkson:" "On board the only petrol-powered vehicle in the race," "I'd discovered thesolutiontomyproblems, asever,was morepower." "If you go quite quickly, the steering works well." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Now I'm heading for the wall!" "No!" "I'm in the power slide!" "I'm doing a skid!" "Out of the way, birds." "I can't steer!" "Stig, meanwhile, hadfinishedwithhistram" "And was now heading fortheundergroundstation." "(horn honking)" "(hammond laughing)" "And we're back in front." "It's going to be like this all the way." "Clarkson:" "On the river, I finallyhadhms awkward under control." "Come on, hovervan." "Catch the may!" "And there's another hovervan." "My, they're popular!" "22 miles an hour." "Keeping a bit in reserve." "Long way yet to go." "(horn toots) -hammond:" "Oh, really?" "Really?" "Overtakes a bicycle with ease." "Getting some speed on." "Oh, hang on." "I think that's him." "Oh, no, there he is." "Come on, van!" "That, I believe, is james may." "Where is hammond?" "I don't see..." "There he is!" "Richard hammond is in sight and he's behind me and slow." "Oh!" "Clarkson:" "Seconds later, I also took james." "(laughing)" "May:" "Cocking nora." "Yes!" "Let's go win this race." "By this stage, stig had found a metro station." "And in this weird, subterraneanworld," "He was distracted by manywondrousthings." "Can I take him in that gap?" "Making a lane." "Yes." "The interesting thing about the twizy" "Is it is a genuinely small car." "It's a genuine city car." "See, there's a tram." "I hate trams." "They're trains running down the road." "Trains can't stop." "Whoa!" "(grunting)" "Chuffin' tramlines." "Still, could be worse." "Oh, no, I don't want to go on the tram tracks!" "I'm on the tram tracks!" "I don't want to..." "Ahhh!" "There's one coming in the way." "Oh!" "(grunting) ah, fuck!" "(horn honks) -shit." "(groaning)" "How's my bike?" "Yeah." "Oh, that's not good." "The derailleur's come off." "Just sheared." "Do you know what?" "I think st petersburg has beaten me already." "When the news reachedmy colleagues," "They were suitably saddened." "(laughing)" "I mean, the one thing you have to avoid on a bicycle" "In a city with trams is tram lines." "The fruit- and nut-powered richard hammond has not only ruined his testes," "His penis and his anus, but he's fallen off." "This is a proper three-way race to the finish now." "(audience cheering and applauding)" "James, hang on." "James, how can you call this a car" "When it's got no heater," "The boot is the size of a ladybird's clutch bag" "And the doors and windows are optional extras?" "Yeah, but I like it 'cause it's simple." "James, it can't even do naught to 60." "Yeah, but it's better than his hovercraft." "It is not!" "Well, it's less deadly." "Hovercraft isn't deadly." "Yes, it is." "Listen, hammond, two points..." "Number one, I'm the only person in that race" "Who is representing the holy trinity of oil, coal and gas." "The holy trinity?" "Yes, holy trinity." "And number two," "Every single city in the world underuses its waterways." "They've all got jammed-up roads," "Congested trains, packed buses" "And, right in the middle, a river with nothing on it," "Apart from a couple of ducks." "Yeah, that's because everyone is terrified" "That there might be somebody on it in a hovercraft." "Well, yes, I agree waterways are underused," "But the hovercraft is not the answer." "It is!" "No, it isn't," "So let's do the news." "Um..." "How?" "How can we do the news when it's over there" "And we're, all three, over here?" "See, normally, we say, "let's do the news"" "And, well, two of us do and one's over there." "He starts it and then we join." "Yeah, but if we're all here..." "No, we can't..." "Um." "(audience laughs)" "I know." "While we and the cameras move over there," "We'll show some footage of a squirrel." "(audience laughs)" "Right, the news..." "(audience laughs)" "Shh, shh, shh, shh." "And first of all, bad news, I'm afraid," "Because britain's motorway network" "Is gonna get a new type of speed camera," "Which is grey and invisible." "And unlike any other motorway speed camera we've seen in the past," "This doesn't just come on when the limit is lowered for some reason," "But it's on all the time, constantly." "Really?" "Yeah, constantly." "That is funny, isn't it?" "Because I seem to remember the tory party saying" "They were going to "end the war on the motorist."" "I remember that." "Yes, but you can end a war by brutally killing everyone." "Hertfordshire police said," ""it's not in the public interest to tell anyone where the cameras are."" "So, fair enough, we'll pay the fine." ""see, I paid it into a bank account," ""but I'm not gonna tell you which one."" "Work it out, yeah." "I'll tell you the really bad news" "Is that they're already up and running in kent," "By the way, these cameras." "And steve harley, out of cockney rebel," "Has been busted by one of them." "No!" "Yes, he's 63 years old." "He's eking a meagre living out of," "Let's be honest, only one hit single." "And now, they've nailed him." "How fast was he going?" "70." "But somebody in a motorway control room, in polyester trousers," "With appallingly-smelly armpits, had decided" "That the speed limit at that particular moment," "For no good reason, should be 40." "40?" "40." "40 miles an hour on a motorway?" "Yes, that was the speed limit that was prevailing when he was caught." "Hammond:" "How much did he get fined?" "£1,000." "1,000 quid, for that?" "£1,000." "But I have an idea." "You know, if you download a song?" "Hammond:" "Yeah." "Yeah." "The artist gets 49p." "Now, why don't we download" "Come up and see me makeme smile?" "I love that song." "Everybody loves that song." "You can't trust someone who doesn't like that song." "What are you doing, james?" "Well, I've already got it, but I can delete it and download it again." "Imagine everybody did it." "He'd wake up tomorrow and realise," ""I'm number one!" "Where did that come from?"" "He wouldn't know." "Well, if he's not watching top gear." ""why am I number one, all of a sudden?"" "That would cheer him up." "And the great thing is if he does go to number one," "Then he'll have enough money to help other people out" "With their speeding fines." "We could call it the..." "The make me smile foundation." "Oh, that's a beautiful idea!" "He could take out a small ad in the papers." "He could say," ""caught speeding?" "Come up and see me."" "It could work." "Beautiful idea." "Now, boris johnson, who is a mayor," "Has decided he wants to make london" "An ultra-low emission zone." "Well, that's easy." "You just get rid of all the buses." "And he's back on his high horse." "No, 'cause this time, I'm backed by fact." "Are you, really?" "Yes, I am," "Because the levels of nitrogen dioxide pollution" "Are measured constantly in oxford street," "Which is right in the middle of london." "And I've got the graph here" "From the week before last, okay?" "Now, you can see here." "7th, this is the peak." "Yes, that's the 7th of January." "8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th..." "The day of the bus strike." "Yeah." "So, there you are." "You wanna save the world, burn a bus." "(audience laughs)" "Let us move on." "Yes, let us." "I think we should talk about the cars" "That we're looking forward to this coming year." "Good idea." "Yes." "Tell you what I'm looking forward to this year," "Coming up?" "Clarkson:" "What?" "Well, let's have a look at it." "The ariel nomad." "Look at that." "Come on!" "Oh!" "It's just scaffolding." "No, it is brilliant, is what it is." "It's from ariel, the same people who made the atom," "Remember, the car that ripped his face off?" "I remember it." "It grew back, sadly," "But this thing is kind of an off-road version of the same thing." "It's got a 2.4-litre engine now" "And it's got all those body panels there." "They're made out of the same material" "They use for traffic cones and boat fenders," "So that thing is indestructible." "Which is a pity." "It's brilliant!" "I love it!" "Look at that!" "Yes, but what are you going to do with it?" "Well, drive it about." "You can drive it on the road." "That goes on the road." "Yeah, but you can drive a tractor on the road." "I know." "Or one of those massive cranes" "That do 8 miles an hour." "I like those, too." "I want one." "I'm gonna have one." "It's brilliant." "You are like a rural simpleton," "You know that, don't you?" "What do you mean he's like a rural simpleton?" "Anyway, the car I'm most looking forward to driving this year" "Is a hybrid, actually." "Is it?" "Da-da!" "There you go." "Look at that." "That's the new honda nsx." "Been waiting years for this." "It's got three electric motors," "One for each of the front wheels" "And then one at the back," "To supplement the twin-turbo v6, 550 horsepower, weighs virtually nothing." "£100,000." "But if you think about it," "That's, what, a tenth of the price of a mclaren p1." "That's just fabulous." "I don't like it." "Well, that's 'cause you're a rural simpleton." "No, it doesn't look right." "It does look right!" "Is it exciting enough?" "No, I do like it." "I think it looks great and sounds interesting," "But I thought you would be more interested in this," "The new ford gt." "Hammond:" "Oh, yeah." "May:" "That's more you." "Clarkson:" "Nah." "Why not?" "No, I know." "I've been there and I've sort of done that" "With ford gts." "Yeah." "They'll fit it with a burglar alarm" "That will go off every time you fall asleep" "Or when your child's doing some important solo work" "In the school production." "It'll be, "woo-woo-woo!"" "Jeremy, this is weirdly specific." "Stuff that happened to you." "I know what will happen and then you'll drive home" "And you'll get a phone call from somebody, saying, "your car's been stolen."" "And you'll say, "it hasn't, I'm driving it."" "They'll go, "we don't believe you." "What's your mother's maiden name?" ""did she like boiled eggs done for three minutes?"" ""I don't know." "well, we're gonna shut the engine down"" "And you're at the side of the road and get hypothermia" "And then the alarm will go off again." "No." "And apart from anything else, I'm sort of done now," "As you know, 'cause I'm mature and wise," "With mid-engined cars." "I mean, that does look great, but it's just not for me." "Now, that's nearly the end of the news," "But before we conclude, I need to say something, actually." "I'm sure a lot of you saw the patagonia special" "And I want to admit, here and now, in front of everybody," "I made a terrible, terrible mistake." "Nobody knows I'm gonna do this," "Not the producers, nobody," "But I wanna get it off my chest now." "Right in the middle of the programme," "I said that the condor is the largest flying bird in the world." "It isn't." "It's the wandering albatross" "And I'm deeply, deeply sorry." "Well done for getting that off your chest." "You feel better?" "(audience applauds)" "No, if you make a mistake, own up to it and move on!" "Fair enough." "Right." "Now, we must move on to this," "The lamborghini gallardo." "It is the company's best-selling car." "In fact, of all the lamborghinis ever sold," "Over half of them have been gallardos." "Now, though, sadly, it's gone" "And in its place, there is a new car." "Here it is." "It's called the huracan," "After a famous spanishfightingbull." "It costs £187,000." "And it's brand-new, fromthegroundup." "Oh, well, that's a problem right there." "I could've sworn this car was bright green," "But according to the options list, it's verde mantis." "Other colours available include "arancio borealis," ""grigio nimbus and marrone alcestis."" "How's a premiership footballer" "Gonna get his head around that?" "Anyway, to business." "(engine revving)" "Oh-ho!" "Besides having to take over thebatonfromthegallardo," "The huracan also needs to hold its own in a game of top trumps" "Against the ferrari 458 and the mclaren 650s." "To do that, there are some very big boxes to tick." "Naught to 60 needs to be around three seconds," "Which it is." "Top speed needs to be around 200 miles an hour," "Which it is." "And horsepower needs to be around the 600-mark," "Which it is." "All of that is thanks to a heavily-reworked version" "Of the gallardo's 5.2-litre v10." "And as those revs climb," "The jackhammer choir really kicks in." "The huracan also has a brand-new,state-of-the-art" "Twin-clutch gearbox, whichis superb." "And that's a good thing, because the one in the gallardo was..." "Um, well, it was crap." "It was awful!" "This, though, this is a joy." "And there's more hi-tech weaponry at this car's disposal." "It has carbon ceramic brakes,as standard." "The back end is sculpted" "So it doesn't need a stuck-on rear spoiler for downforce." "And, like most lambos, it has a four-wheeldrivesystem." "But not just any four-wheel drive system." "It has three gyroscopes on board," "Like you get on a fighter jet," "And they're busy monitoring everything that's going on." "They send all that information" "Back to the four-wheel drive brain" "And it then decides how much power to send to each individual wheel." "My head hurts just thinking about how all that works." "The result is, you can corner atsensationalspeeds." "I'm glued down." "The grip is astonishing." "It's almost undefeatable." "If slithering about isyourthing," "You can have fun inthehuracan..." "Ye gods!" "...But you need an enormous pairof gentlemanballoons" "And your own personal airfieldto playon." "And, for me, this is where theproblemsbegin." "This huracan has been designed, on the road," "To feel tame and user-friendly." "You don't get that special lamborghini mentalist feeling," "Unless you are out here," "With an entire airfield under your wheels." "And that's a bit of a heartbreaker, actually." "And while we're on it, there'sanotherissue." "And it's a big thing." "Basically, bear with me on this, it's the looks." "I know it's bright green and low" "And there's a bull on the front," "But I just don't think that the huracan is special enough" "For a lamborghini." "Lamborghinis should be jaw-dropping," "That's why they make the best bedroom wall posters." "And I just don't see it with this." "I think the problem is, this has been designed to sell many, many times" "And to still look good in ten years' time." "And I think, for that reason, they've played it safe." "Lamborghini, like every car company," "Has got to shift units tosurvive," "But I think, with the huracan," "They have thrown the baby outwiththe bathwater." "I've had some good times," "No, great times, in lamborghinis, on top gear." "And if the producers got my e-mail," "There shall now follow a montage showing that." "Whoa!" "This is just so exciting!" "Oh!" "That's absolutely brutal!" "(screams)" "The most alive thing I've ever driven." "It's beautiful." "Now, as a car, this huracan is probably" "Better than all those other lamborghinis," "But those cars are better lamborghinis." "The other lamborghinis made you feel special," "Even in traffic." "This doesn't." "And that's a loss." "What we have here is a lamborghini" "That I respect for its engineering," "But love it?" "Quiver at the very sight of it?" "I'm afraid not." "(audience cheering and applauding)" "This is annoying." "This is really annoying." "Why?" "Because I completely agree with you, for once." "Do you?" "Yeah, it's..." "I don't know." "Lamborghinis should be mad and stupid" "And have rockets coming out of their exhausts." "And this, I don't know, it just doesn't float my boat." "I know, but it's almost as though they actually want to sell cars." "And that is idiotic." "No, no, seriously, because you know james and I" "Have always said that, one day, we'll open a pub?" "Yes." "And it'll be the best pub in the world," "Specifically because we won't allow anyone in it." "Not anyone?" "No, nobody at all." "Nobody." "Now, I know an accountant would say," ""that's a ridiculous business plan,"" "But it will be good, because it won't be cluttered up with people with smelly bottoms" "Wanting scampi in a basket." "Yeah, but what's this got to do with lamborghini?" "Because lamborghini should be making cars that they want to make," "Not cars that their accountants think will make a few quid." "Yeah, I think maybe the problem here" "Is that lamborghini is owned by audi." "And would you drink in a pub owned by audi?" "God, no." "No!" "So, would you drive a car designed by wetherspoons?" "No." "No, I wouldn't do that, either." "Anyway, listen, we've got to find out how fast this goes round our track." "And that of course means handing it over to our tame racing driver." "Some say that his favourite football formation is 8-8-19." "And while we were off air, his icloud was hacked" "And now everyone in the world has seen his helmet." "All we know is he's called the stig!" "(audience cheers)" "And he's off." "Tinybitofwheelspin andthenthe gyros" "And computers tell thefour-wheeldrivestuff todo itsthing!" "Flying through thefirstcorner," "Stig really working hard" "At the wheel of kermit'swashbag ." "(soft music plays)" "No dramas through chicago." "Now, hammerhead." "All-wheel drive cars canpushwidehere ." "Stig using a very delicate portersteer." "No whiff of understeer." "Just flying round there and out the other side." "(soft music plays)" "Okay, follow through." "A chance to really get theten-cylinderhammerdown ." "Wow!" "Whatever stig did duringhisholiday hasmadehim extracommitted." "Just two corners left." "Turningin ,withprecision." "Ooh, he's gone a bit sidewaysup to gambon." "Skates it through there and across the line." "(audience cheering and applauding)" "This is amazing." "This is truly amazing, because it did it..." "It did it in 1.15.8, which means it goes" "Right the way up there." "Look at it." "Hammond:" "Wow." "It's quicker than the mclaren mp4-12c." "It's quicker than its big brother, the aventador." "And that means everything we've been saying is completely wrong." "Well, no, no, because I still think..." "That is good, but it would be better if it was slower," "But had knives sticking out of the wheels." "No, you're right, because this part of the board is where" "Ferraris and serious stuff should live" "And lamborghinis should be here," "Which, interestingly enough, is where the gallardo is." "Yeah." "Anyway, we must now put a star in our reasonably-priced car." "Now there are many, many well-known eds in the world these days." "There's harris, millband, balls." "(audience laughs)" "There is." "But..." "But my guest tonight" "Is the best and the newest ed of them all." "Ladies and gentlemen..." "Ahem!" "Ed sheeran!" "(audience cheering)" "Ooh, upcoming star, how are you?" "Hello." "Ed sheeran is here!" "He's here." "Thank you so much for coming." "Now, obviously, you're a massive global megastar now," "But is it true, what, five years ago, you were busking" "On the london underground?" "No." "(audience laughs)" "No, I, eh..." "Did you ever sleep on the london underground?" "Yeah, well..." "Ah, so I knew there was something you'd done" "On the london underground!" "No, it was..." "Yeah, it was just..." "I would, if there wasn't a place to stay, which, often..." "Often, it was too late for me to call anyone for a sofa," "I would stay out till about 5:00am" "And then get on the circle line" "And just kind of lean up, before sitting down" "And then get up around 12:00 and then go and..." "And just go round and round, 'cause it is warm down there and..." "It's great." "It's great." "There you go, there's a top tip." "And did you not once sleep" "In the heating duct at buckingham palace?" "No, no." "There's another no." "No, it was outside of buckingham palace." "It wasn't in buckingham palace." "You see, this is what I find fascinating, 'cause five years ago," "You were trying to find somewhere warm to sleep in london." "Yeah, but it wasn't like..." "People have really taken it out of context." "The daily mail have taken the quote and been..." "No!" "(audience laughs)" "No, I won't believe that the daily mail makes stuff up." "It's not..." "It wasn't, like, a massive hardship or anything." "It was, literally..." "I wasn't living anywhere in london." "I was sleeping on people's sofas" "And sometimes they didn't have sofas to sleep on." "And that was..." "It wasn't like a common thing, but it did happen, yeah." "Because you were gigging a lot in those days," "I mean, working your bottom off." "Yeah, I haven't stopped yet." "It's still..." "But you were travelling down to exeter, to get..." "How much did you get for performing in exeter?" "That was the worst thing, yeah." "It was an £80 train ticket to exeter" "And I was getting paid £50 for the gig" "And I arrived and I soundchecked with the sound engineer." "And he was like, "doors are at 7:00."" "Got to 7:00, I was on at 7:30." "It was empty." "He said, "oh, you can wait 15 minutes, see if people turn up."" "Empty." "15 minutes later, "yeah, you can wait another 10 minutes."" "We ended up waiting about an hour." "No one turned up, so I just played to him." "What did he say?" "You know, it was all right." "And then I was like, "cool, see you later, mate,"" "Got my £50 and went and I'd missed the last train home." "But I'd just bought, from ebay, a pokemon onthegameboy color." "And I'd just..." "And I'd just got that." "So I sat at the train station, until the morning," "Until the next train, playing pokemon." "It was great." "Clarkson:" "But you see, that's..." "It's where you learn it all from." "So now you've got to the point from, you know," "Playing pokemon onexeterrailwaystation," "Have you not just sold out wembley" "For, how many nights is it?" "Three nights." "Just you?" "In front of a crowd of 80,000-90,000?" "Around that, yeah." "Does that make you nervous?" "I was more nervous about today, doing the lap." "Genuinely, genuinely." "'cause I mean your whole life is..." "Obviously, you've met de niro now." "Yeah?" "Clinton?" "Yeah." "And then, today, you met james may." "Yeah." "So, you've completed the circle." "Can I just talk a little bit about your early life," "Before we get on to the cars, if we may?" "'cause I was slightly staggered." "You had a number of illnesses when you were little." "(whispers) not just your hair." "(audience laughs)" "Glaucoma?" "It probably could have led to that." "I had a big birthmark on the side of my face" "That I had to get lasered off." "And weird eyes." "Weird eyes." "And you had to play sports wearing some..." "Well, my view on it is that I was a very weird kid in primary school" "And I probably didn't have a lot of friends," "But, I think, god looked down and went, "you need some help"" "And gave me a guitar and it worked out." "And here you are." "Yes." "Good old god." "The second half of my life is much more fun" "Than the first half and I'd rather that way round," "Because half of the popular kids in school," "I mean, you know, are... (audience laughs)" "Fucked their lives up." "(audience laughs)" "Now, we'd better get on, I'm afraid, to the elephant in the room." "Yes." "Um, ed can't drive." "(audience laughs)" "And I don't just mean you have no driving licence." "We've had that before, okay, with johnny vegas" "And jack whitehall, more recently." "But how much can't you drive?" "Or how much couldn't you drive before you got here today?" "Before today, I'd never sat in the driver's seat" "Or put my hand on a steering wheel ever." "The reason I said yes to top gear is that" "I thought it would be funny, the first time that I drive." "It is..." "This must be the first-ever televised driving lesson." "I think, like, so many 17-year-olds around the world" "Would want the stig to teach them how to drive and that's what happened." "I think it is very, very ballsy to come here, saying," ""I don't mind being filmed for my first ever lap."" "You have actually bought cars for people," "Sound engineers and so on." "Yeah, I bought..." "Basically, every year I give people who work for me a christmas bonus" "And this guy who works for me was," "Basically, every year, spending his christmas bonus" "On things you should spend your christmas bonus on, which his family." "But he would always go on about wanting a porsche 911 carrera." "He'd be like, "oh, that's my dream car, if I could just see that," ""but, you know, I'm doing up the bathroom next,"" "So this year, I just got him the porsche." "You bought him a 911?" "Carrera?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Didn't you buy another sound engineer a smart car?" "Oh, no, yeah." "I bought my guitar tech a smart car," "But that was another..." "What's he done wrong?" "How does he feel going, "oh, brilliant"?" "I see these people day in and day out," "And they always talk about the thing that they want most." "He's got really low ambition." "We need to have a word with him." "Are you sure he's doing your guitars properly?" "'cause if he thinks a smart's a good enough car," "When he could have said a 911!" "It's different strokes for different folks." "You're right." "Now, moving on to your lap." "How was it out there?" "It was interesting." "It was interesting." "I had some very funny bloopers," "Which I'm sure you're gonna show." "We wouldn't do that." "Yes, we would." "Who'd like to see ed's first-ever driving lesson on television?" "Audience:" "Yes!" "We've got one or two clips we'd like to show for you" "First of a few slip-ups." "Let's have a look at those." "So this is..." "Whoa, that's the second to last corner," "But you missed that by a long way there." "Sheeran:" "That looks great." "Clarkson:" "Oh, my god, isthatthe follow..." "Theygo throughthe tyres!" "You're not going to hold it." "Youdid!" "Oh, wait, wait, wait!" "Argh!" "Not again, not again at the followthrough?" "The same!" "What staggers me about that is, when the car is sliding," "Particularly going through there, which is about 80 miles an hour." "So, it's sliding like that." "Most people just give up," "But you, actually, were wrestling with the controls in there." "That wasn't planned." "I just didn't know to take my foot off the accelerator." "You just kept it on?" "Yeah, I wasn't like, "oh, I'm gonna sort this out" ""and show everyone that I'm really good at driving."" "It was, literally, just like, "ah!"" "How do you actually walk about when they're that big?" "Shall we have a look at the fastest lap?" "Everybody ready?" "Audience:" "Yeah!" "Play the tape." "Come on." "Here we go." "Yes, wheelspin froman automatic." "Oh, it is wet, isn't it?" "Yeah." "Come on." "Clarkson:" "It will and here it comes." "Down to the first corner and around it." "Still can't believe that youhadneverdriven a carbeforethismorning." "And you're around at..." "Slightly wide, but never mind." "We're off towards chicago now." "Come on, come on, come on, yeah." "Yep, yep, yep." "Clarkson:" "Like it." "Neatandtidythroughthere ." "No real problems at all, and with tyre..." "Yes, the tyres are squealing." "Surprise." "Keep your hands on thewheel,thatisimportant." "And this is the hammerhead," "Designed to catch out the unwary and the new." "But it hasn't got you!" "Right, now, this is it." "This is coming up to what wecallthe followthrough, 'cause if you get it wrong, that'swhathappens." "(exhales deeply)" "Lifting?" "No, you'renotlifting." "Nobody's ever had tyre squeal" "On their first-ever drivinglesson." "Through the tyres, can he dothis?" "Yes ,lookinggood ." "Oh, crikey, a little bit of brake action there" "Or that could be automatic, onthecar 'spart." "Second to last corner, catches most people out," "But not you, not today." "Into gambon..." "And, oh, there was a burstof acceleration." "And there we are, acrosstheline!" "(audience cheering and applauding)" "Right, now..." "It looked slower than it felt." "It looks..." "It does." "It does." "It's not a fast car." "There are faster ones available on the market." "Where do you think you've come on our..." "As long as I beat jack whitehall, I'm happy." "Two things..." "One, jack had driven a car before he got here," "Although he had no licence." "And the track was what we call mildly moist for him," "Barely wet, but it was very wet for you," "So it obviously slows you down." "All right, so, he did a 1.54.5." "And you, ed sheeran..." "You were... 1.50..." "4..." "Audience:" "Ooh!" "...3." "(audience cheering and applauding)" "And in wet." "You've done it!" "Yeah." "That is..." "Are you genuinely amazed by that?" "'cause I am." "I guess so," "But, like, that one was the best time that I did it." "And the times before that were probably about 2.30." "So, um..." "Well, with that level of improvement," "We should just give ed a driving licence now." "Audience:" "Yes!" "Ladies and gentlemen, ed sheeran!" "(audience cheering and applauding)" "Now, tonight, we are staging one of our important races," "Between the car, public transport, a bicycle" "And jeremy's rather fanciful belief" "That we should travel everywhere on rivers." "Yes, we are racing across st petersburg in russia." "And when we left the action, jeremy was in the lead," "In his uncontrollable hovercraft." "James was second, in his tiny, electric renault." "The stig was somewhere or other on a metro train." "And I had fallen off my bicycle and broken it." "Okay, this is good." "Flat out on water." "Remaining range, it tells me it is 40 miles, that's plenty." "Bit of a jink around him." "Oh-ho!" "Now, you're probably thinking, "what's the point of that tiny little car?" ""look at the size of that road he's on."" "Yes, yes, of course." "But we're not in st petersburg proper yet." "We're still on the outskirts." "When we get near the middle, there's gonna be a small alleyway." "Something built before cars were invented." "Things wide enough for a horse." "And then, I shall sweep to victory." "(automated voice speaking russian)" "Hammond:" "The stig, james and jeremy were battling" "In what they thought was a three-horse race." "But I had other plans." "So, you speak english?" "I do." "And you don't speak english." "A little bit." "Little bit." "Can you interpret?" "Absolutely." "I've broken my bike." "Fell off my bicycle." "Okay." "(man speaking russian)" "Can I borrow your bike?" "No." "Hammond:" "Oh, please." "Please, I'm in a race..." "The hovercraft has gone past now." "I'm late." "I have to go to my work." "Um, if we give you a lift to work, can I borrow your bike?" "(translating in russian)" "Okay." "Really?" "Can we?" "Yes." "Really?" "What a gentleman." "Hammond:" "As a producer took thekindyoungmantowork," "I was getting to grips withhiswheels." "Okay, this isn't as fast as the other bicycle, I'll be honest." "I'm doing 16 miles an hour instead of 22." "And it's killing me." "Hammond would have struggled to catch up with me" "On his £9,000 tour de France bike," "But on some funky old piece of russian pig iron" "That he's borrowed from a local, he's got no chance, has he?" "Let's be honest." "Clarkson:" "On hms petrol, I wasn't worried about hammond's recovery" "Because my lead was immense." "And I was going like a bat out of hell." "Power!" "Right through the middle." "But then, I hitthecitycentre." "We've got hydrofoils coming in at speed from the left and the right." "Two ferries and a water taxi." "Oh, my giddy aunt, there's one over there." "Oh, shit." "(horn blares)" "In traffic like this, thehovervanwas amenace." "Turn!" "Turn!" "Oh, god." "I'm totally out of control." "Holy mother of god!" "Turn!" "Turn!" "Turn!" "No!" "Oh." "Not very..." "I'm crashing into st petersburg now." "Power!" "Come on, hovervan." "Oh, there's swimmers." "Oh, please, turn!" "May:" "I too had reached thecitycentre" "Where the tiny twizy wouldcomeintoitsownin  theancient,narrowstreets." "Oh, cock." "The main roads wereeightlaneswide ." "And the side roads weren'tmuchthinner." "Small wonder there are noparkingregulations in st petersburg." "There's no need." "Look at it!" "We could have done this in a stretch lincoln continental" "Or a hummer or something." "Worse!" "Worse!" "Just worse." "Ah!" "I will not give up." "I will not give up." "22 miles an hour there." "(grunts)" "And I think I'm gonna be sick." "Clarkson:" "Meanwhile, backon theriver..." "(horn blares) -holy moley!" "(horn blares) -and another one!" "In order to avoid deathby hydrofoil," "I decided to leave the river and use st petersburg's canals." "This is a canal." "It's what I need." "They were much quieter," "But there was now anotherproblem." "No, don't!" "(groans)" "To get under the low bridges, I hadto deflatethe skirts." "That meant coming off the power and coasting." "Which went well." "Sinking." "Sinking now." "Oh, my giddy aunt." "Oh, christ almighty." "This is lower." "This is even lower." "Two and a half meters, that's pretty much the height of the props on the back." "No, no, no, no!" "Don't rise up." "Don't rise up." "Oh, my..." "No, no, no." "May:" "In the twizy, I discoveredthat" "No matter how wide thestreetsmay be," "A jam is still a jam." "See, look, small cars don't make any difference." "If I was on the bike, I'd be down there." "But no car is narrow enough for that." "Hammond:" "While james satmotionless," "I was now entering thecitycentre... (sighs)" "I can still do this. (grunts) ...Where I discovered that cyclistsarecompletely invisible." "Oh, you're not gonna..." "You didn't even..." "Honestly, not even an attempt, was there?" "(horn honks) -ah!" "Wait for me, numb-nuts." "(automated voice speaking russian)" "Clarkson:" "On the underground, stighadnoticedthat" "Many of his fellow passengers wereholdingonto strangethings." "And so, atthenextstation," "He decided he should haveone,too ." "(music playing)" "May:" "I'm on the tram lines and in a traffic jam." "Come on, come on, come on." "Terrified that I'll see richard hammond" "Turning up any second on his stolen mountain bike." "Man stopped in the bus lane, looking under his car," "Probably for a cyclist he's run over." "Yeah, don't worry about me." "I'm just a cyclist." "I'm just a pigeon." "Don't you worry yourself, chum." "Clarkson:" "Like all cyclists, hammondwasbecomingfull  ofrageand aggression." "Hammond:" "Come on!" "Really?" "Clarkson:" "Whereas in my un-air-conditioned hovervan," "I was becoming hot, botheredandstuck." "Oh, sweating." "Sweating a lot." "Not certain this was a good idea." "I really am not." "Oh, now this one is tight." "Lower." "Oh, oh, oh, christ." "Bloody hell!" "Scary!" "No, no, no, no, no!" "(mobile phone ringing)" "Oh..." "Not now, not now, not now!" "I'm in a big problem!" "What?" "(automated voice speaking russian)" "May:" "Oh, shit." "I should have actually gone to the right." "Right, u-turn." "Concentrate, may." "Hammond:" "Thanks to james' famously poorsenseofdirection," "I was now in with a shout," "Especially as I could take a shortcut through the winter palace." "Wow!" "Thank goodness james has got a twizy to fit in this place." "Little corner cut, that'll save me a minute or two." "Water coming up." "Over the bridge." "Clarkson:" "In the hovervan, I was finally free of the canals" "And back on the now traffic-free river." "Right, I got a lot of time to make up now." "Come on!" "Power!" "We were now entering thefinalstagesofourrace." "And at this point, because all of us were all over the place," "Any one of us could win it." "May:" "Coming past." "I can have that." "I'll have that." "Whoa!" "Heavy turn." "Full thrust." "I will not give up." "I will not give up." "Come on!" "Really giving this thing the electric berries here." "Buffeting." "That is 144 horsepower right there." "(chuckles)" "(grunting)" "What the fucking hell are you?" "You great gangly fuck-knuckled twat," "Greasy haired scumbag." "Fuck you!" "May:" "That's more like it." "A narrow side street." "We can win this, van." "Come on!" "May:" "Come on, come on." "I'm very close." "Ah!" "There it is." "There's the end point." "Where is this unpronounceable palace?" "Where is james may?" "Where is the stig?" "(hammond panting)" "There it is." "Yes, there is the finish line!" "Oh, wait a minute." "Have I got to get up that bloody thing?" "I have, haven't I?" "Somewhere around here I'm looking for a big white palace." "Right, here we go!" "No!" "No, no, no." "Come on!" "Clarkson:" "Stopping." "Stopping." "Hammond:" "Oh, god!" "It's hammond." "Bloody hell." "(laughs)" "(grunting) not again!" "Clarkson:" "Please tell me..." "Have I won?" "Where do we..." "He's here?" "Clarkson:" "Oh, christ, look behind you." "Oh, jesus." "(may laughing)" "(panting)" "Clarkson:" "Well, there we are." "Proof that the car is..." "It's better." "Clarkson:" "It's better." "It was worth it." "May:" "I'm afraid, even when it's comedically small," "French and electric, it's still better." "I've ruined my penis and £9,000 worth of bicycle." "Clarkson:" "Yep." "I've just realised something." "Hammond:" "What?" "Three of us are here." "Yeah." "Oh, hang on." "Yeah, I completely forgot." "Where is the stig?" "Where is he?" "(metallic clanging)" "(audience cheering and applauding)" "James may has restored the reputation of the car." "Yes." "Thing is, though..." "The thing is, though," "If you don't want to drive around" "In a little philishave, with optional doors," "You'll have to buy what came second," "Which, of course, was the hovercraft." "Oh, no, hang on a minute." "I would have won that by 20 minutes," "If I hadn't fallen off." "Yes, but you did fall off." "Twice, in fact." "Yeah." "Hammond, in an 18-mile journey, you consumed two bicycles." "I did, yeah." "All we learned from you is that you're a spanner" "And it's difficult to draw any meaningful conclusions" "From the stig's journey." "So, in that whole film," "We've learned absolutely nothing, at all." "And on that bombshell, it is time to end." "Thank you so much for watching." "See you again next week." "Good night!" "Good night." "(audience cheering and applauding)"