"So this is where I was born" "Riverview medical Center, right here in beautiful downtown" "Red Bank, New Jersey, on the Jersey shore, mere miles from where I would grow up in highlands, New Jersey." "And then later on, I'd come to live here in my somewhat adult years." "View Askew offices are here." "Jay and silent Bob's Secret Stash comic book store is here." "So I haven't gotten really far from the hospital where I was vaginaIIy pooped into the world." "The next big time I came back here was almost 29 years after I was born, when I had my kid." "I made sure we were in Los angeles when my wife was pregnant, and I made sure that we got on a plane, got home so I couId have her right here at the same hospital I was born." "She could be born a Jersey girl." "And I went through all that trouble just so I couId use her to do an intro for this DVD." "Isn't that shameless?" "I mean, I liked fucking my wife, too, but, chiefly, it was, Iike, "We need somebody to be able to kick off the Q and A."" "And she said, "AII right."" "She gave me the courtesy rollover, pulled up a cheek, and a little back insertion, and it was all good." "And it led to this." "hello, New Jersey!" "[cheering]" "I'm Jennifer SchwaIbach." "And I'm harley Quinn Smith." "And we are here to welcome you and thank you for coming from all over the world to celebrate the 37th birthday of a very beloved husband and father and, of course, filmmaker." "And now, without further ado-- [together] Introducing Kevin Smith!" "So that's who I fuck." "[laughter]" "And that's what happens when I fuck." "When I was a kid, we'd drive past this theater all the time, and I'd be, Iike, "Is he related to Count DracuIa?"" "I want to play you jazz." "That is, Iike, a ten-year-oId's joke." "still fucking works, man." "AII the jokes from my childhood still kind of fucking work." "The eye cup jokes still works." "One of my favorite jokes-- If you're from the area" "If you're from out of here, you might not know CarveI" "CarveI Ice Cream." "Where, basically, they serve soft-serve all the time, and they show you, on the commercial," " the dude where they fu-- - [audience member] Cookie!" "Cookie Puss and Fudgie the whale, yes." "Cookie Puss, which became the unfortunate misnomer of many girls in high school." "always attached to the fucking, Iike, you know, suburban myth of "I know this chick, and she let a dog eat a cookie out of her pussy." "A cookie." "She put a fucking chocolate chip cookie in her pussy, and the dog ate it." "We call her Cookie Puss."" "And you believe that shit 'cause you wanna believe it." "You're like, "What girl is this?" "Because if she's so fucking desperate she'II let a dog eat a fucking cookie out of her pussy," "I got a shot, you know?"" "But if you watch the commercials for CarveI, they always show the soft-serve ice cream-- the hand with the cone and shit." "They pull the fucking crank, and the ice cream twirIs out and shit." "So when we were kids, the big joke was "What's this?"" "That's Tom CarveI taking a shit." "And my material hasn't gotten much better since then." "Just variations on that theme." "well, this is a big show for me because it's hometown." "I was born 37 years ago from today, a few blocks away at Riverview hospital." "[cheering, applause]" "That's kind of cool, man." "Like, 37 years later," "I'm kind of up here sweating like a pig." "But it's wild." "I mean, I don't know." "I can't tell you where I was every other birthday in my Iife, but I can tell you now where I was on my 37th birthday." "I didn't get very far." "Just a few blocks down." "I was born on August 2, 1970." "And it wasn't my birthday." "I mean, it was technically." "But before it was my birthday, it was my brother's birthday." "My brother and I are born on the same day, four years apart." "He was born in 1966." "I was born in 1970." "My sister was born August 10, 1965, which, if you do the math, my parents loved to fuck during election periods." "[laughter]" "I just picture my old man being like," ""We did our civic duty." "Now do your wifeIy duty."" "And my mother being, Iike, "Jesus, Don." ""Just can't we fucking ever vote without me having to do shit with your dick?"" "And if my father was anything like me," "I'm sure he was just, Iike, "You don't have to do anything." "I'II just jerk off and you watch." "Just" "Just look at it." "Just look at my dick."" "The most shameful part of my existence is that-- the fucking plea for, Iike, just" ""You don't even have to touch it." "Just watch me jerk off."" "But I wouldn't have a dick without one key person in the audience." "I want to acknowledge her, 'cause I would not be here tonight if it weren't for my mom." "So, Mom, where are you?" "[cheering, applause]" "But I guess for a while, my name wasn't gonna be my name." "My mom always told me that the day I was born, her and my father were gonna name me Brian David." " [Man] Yeah, Brian!" " Yes." "After you, I'm sure." "And" "[laughter]" "And I guess somebody who had a kid on the same day as my mom" "Is this right?" "Mom, where are you?" "A friend of yours had a kid also and named it Brian David." "What kind of fucking friend is that?" "Like" "Are you even friends with those people anymore?" "Are you really?" "'Cause after that, I'd be, Iike, "Fuck you!" "That was ours!"" "So she Iooked" " What was it?" "Daddy liked the name Kevin Patrick." "Did Dad like the name Kevin Patrick?" "Not a single Kevin in our family, nor a Patrick." "My grandmother used to tell me that all the time." "She's, Iike, "I don't know where they got that name."" "Aren't any Kevins in the family." "'Cause a Iot of our family members" "My sister Virginia is named after my Aunt Virginia." " My brother donald named after" " His dad." "His father." "Thank you." "Random name." "And also, since we were catholic, it was tradition to pick a name of a saint and shit like that." "So I went with" " I got named Kevin Patrick." "And Patrick is easy." "Saint Patrick." "'Cause of St. Patrick's cathedral, and everybody knows that." "And St. Patrick, the patron saint of ireland and shit." "Drove the snakes out of ireland." "Kevin" " Saint Kevin" "Not a Iot known about him." "And for a while, when I was in catholic school," "I was just, Iike, "I'm named after St. Kevin."" "And even these fucking nuns would be, Iike, "Who's that?"" "I was, Iike, "It's true." "There is a St. Kevin."" "They're, Iike, "Yeah, right, man." "I'm sure there's a Pope Smith, too."" "So after 37 years," "I decided to fucking look up some info and see who St. Kevin was, and" "and it's pretty fucking retarded." "There are" " You know, when you hear of patron saints" "If you're not catholic, you don't know about them." "If you're Jewish, you're just, Iike, "Who's Jesus?" Um" "You know, the saints are given patron-- They're given" "Saints are considered patrons of certain things." "Like, you know, St. Lawrence is the patron saint of comedy, 'cause he was a martyr." "Most of the saints were martyred because they believed in Jesus." "AII you have to do is get killed believing in Jesus." "One day, they canonize you." "You have to have a few miracles to your name, but it helps if you died in the name of Jesus." "Which means you could be fucking, die of a heart attack" "As long as you're, Iike, "Jesus"" "St. Nuts-Deep, you know." "Patron saint of dying in the midst of fucking." "So there are a bunch of them." "You know, Iike," "St. Christopher is the patron saint of the traveler." "So when people drive around-- they're CathoIic-- sometimes you'II see St. Christopher medals on their dash and shit." "My mom used to wear one around her neck whenever we traveled." "Patron saint of traveling." "It's a picture of a dude holding a baby Jesus on his shoulder, crossing a stream, where you're, Iike, "That's all it took?"" "It's not Iike, you know, he's fighting fucking Iions and swinging like Indiana Jones and shit." "It was a stream this thick, and he's, Iike" ""I'm gonna be famous for that one day."" "St. Kevin, though" ""patron saint of crows."" ""Noted as the man who did not always like the company of men."" "Which, to me, says the patron saint of homophobes, you know?" "Just" ""I don't like to be around dudes." "They got dicks."" ""But was at home with the animals as some of the legends surrounding him show."" "So the patron saint of homophobia and bestiality." "Here's some of the stories they tell about St. Kevin." ""During a drought, Kevin fed his monks with salmon brought to him by an otter."" "So, Iike, whenever people write, Iike, "Dude, don't you think fucking ScientoIogy is weird and stupid and crazy?"" "I just whip this out and" "I'm, Iike, "This is what some catholics believe."" ""When one of the monks considered making gloves out of the otter's pelt, it left and never returned."" "Who fucking remembered that story?" "Like, who wrote that story down, man?" "Somebody was just, Iike, "One time," ""he gave us a bunch of salmon that the otters brought him," ""and then one of us wanted to make it into gloves, and then the otter ran away."" "It just sounds like the patron saint of, Iike, acid flashback stories." ""Once, during Lent, while he held his arms outstretched in prayer"" "Like that, presumably." ""A blackbird laid an egg in Kevin's hand."" "I couldn't make this up." "Uh" ""He remained in that position until the baby bird hatched."" "could you imagine" " AII right." "Like, if this happens" "You put out your hand and a bird lands in it," "like, that's fucking weird." "The bird lays an egg in your hand?" "Which, at first, you're, Iike, "Oh, my God." "The bird's shitting in my hand."" "But if you have enough presence of mind to be like, "Oh, it's an egg."" "You know." "And then the bird presumably files away." "And then you stand there for the entire gestation period, waiting for that fucking egg to hatch." "I mean, I don't know much about fucking science and shit and biology, don't mother birds lay eggs and sit on them for a Iong time?" "This dude just had the power to have an egg drop in his hand and be, Iike, boop." ""Life."" ""A young man with severe epilepsy received a vision that he would be cured by eating an apple." "There were, however, no apple trees about." "Kevin, seeing the lad's need," ""ordered a willow to produce apples." "Twenty yellow apples appeared on the tree."" "That's not true." "That" "I wasn't there." "This all took place in, Iike, 600 AD." "I cannot fucking imagine that that happened and shit." "Kevin just had the world's best publicist." ""St. Kevin's dick was 12 inches long."" ""A boar was being chased by a group of hunters with their dogs." ""It ran to where Kevin sat, praying under a tree," ""and cowered beside him for protection." ""When the dogs saw the saint in prayer," ""they just laid on their stomachs" ""and would not approach the boar." ""When the hunters decided they would ignore the man" ""and kill the boar anyway," ""a flock of birds settled in the tree" ""above the praying saint." ""The hunters took this as a sign and left man and beast alone."" "What fucking hunter doesn't see a tree full of birds and isn't like, "Shit"?" "[imitates gunfire]" "Fish in a barrel." "That's my fucking namesake-- St. Kevin." "So fucking queer." "But not in that, Iike, awesome cocksucking way." "Just queer, meaning odd." "It's strange." "So who wants to start, man?" "You ready to start?" "Ready to rock it?" "[audience members whooping]" "Give it up for the first guy." "[cheering, applause]" "Firstie, don't fuck it up!" "He's got a point, dude." "Don't fuck it up." "You set the tone for the whole evening and shit." "I just wanna say Happy Birthday, first off." "well, now you fucked up already." "Thank you very much." "Let's just put a moratorium on that." "Let's all agree that it's my birthday." "Let's stop saying it." "Just to keep-- Thank you for doing it." "You're the first." "You'II be the only and shit." "Like my love." "So, no "Happy Birthdays" and shit." "'Cause fuck it." "It gets boring after a while." "Everyone's, Iike, "I just wanna say Happy Birthday."" "It's, Iike, "well, I just want you to ask a fucking question."" "But thank you very much for that." "Rock your question, sir." "Okay, ever since you voiced a character in Doogal, have you ever thought of writing a children's movie?" "Something more for-- that harley could watch on a regular basis?" "Ever since I" " Wait." "What did I do?" "Doogal." "Doogal." "Oh, Doogal." "That's right." "I did a voice in Doogal and shit like that." "Which was strange, 'cause it was real, Iike, you know" "Harvey Weinstein called me up and said," ""Do you wanna do a voice in a cartoon movie?"" "I said, "God, yeah." "I got a kid."" "He's like, "That's why I asked."" "He's, Iike, "You'II score huge Brownie points with your kid."" "I was, Iike, "Yeah, right on." "What do I play?"" "He's, Iike, "A farting moose."" "I was like, "So, typecasting?" He was like, "Pretty much."" "Have I ever thought about making a kids' movie?" "No." "Even though I got a kid, I don't really think about it." "I just assume she'II start watching my movies sooner or later." "We don't keep her from the movies 'cause the language and shit like that." "She would just be totally bored by those movies." "I've tried a few times. 'Cause I'm like, there's a joke or two in here that she might enjoy." "And I'II put it on." "I let her watch the Clerks cartoon." "Even that, she was just, Iike, "They just keep talking."" "I was, Iike, "Yeah, but there's an awesome Schindler's List joke here, you know?"" "So I don't know." "I didn't really think about building a career around making flicks for my kids." "I mean, Iike, Robert Rodriguez did that, and now he's fucking so insanely wealthy." "So I guess I should've given it some thought." "But I just don't have those kind of flicks in me." "I've been threatening for years to write a children's book, 'cause I know I got a children's book in me, and I've been saying it since the kid was born." "My wife was like, "Get around to it" ""so we can read her the book." "WouIdn't it be sweet if you could read her your own book?"" "I said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."" "Now the kid reads herself and shit." "She's like, "Now she can read the book herself, so get around to writing it."" "I was like, "Yeah, yeah." "totally." "totally."" "I'm gonna wait until she's in college and shit, and just rock her with the kids' book." "Be like, "Check it out."" "She's, Iike, "The Woof on the Roof." "I'm gonna go have some fucking sex with my roommate, so"" "Thanks, silent Bob, you know." "But in terms of doing a kids' movie," "I never really thought about it." "I don't think I have the chops for that kind of thing." "Don't think, you know, that I'm the guy that you should put in charge of a kids' movie." "'Cause there was, Iike, at one point, after Clerks got sold, when we were going around touring with studios." "They were, Iike, "What do you wanna do after your movie gets picked up?" ""Sundance Studios wanna meet with you." "Do you have an idea?" "What do you wanna do?" Shit like that." "We went into Fox, I think it was, and they were pitching us movies to direct, which I thought was weird, 'cause I'm, Iike, "Did you see the first movie?" "You don't wanna give me a movie." "You wanna let me make something of mine that I won't fuck up too badly."" "And the one they gave us was one of the ones they pitched us." "Which, ironically, there's a movie coming out called Hot Rod." "But it wasn't that Hot Rod." "It was a movie called Hot Rod with michael Jackson as the star, in which michael Jackson hung around with a little kid." "It's a true story." "This is circa 1994, so it was still kind of okay." "questionable." "people'd be like, "Wow, he hangs out with kids a Iot."" "But not Iike, "Get your kids away from him," you know." "He hangs out with a kid, and he can morph into a car, and then the kid would open the car and get inside." "And back in 1994, I was like, "I don't wanna do that."" "Now I would love to do that movie." "'Cause there's a fucking insanely good movie to make about michael Jackson with little boys entering him and shit." "And vice versa." "Uh-- [audience groans]" "Don't fuck" " Don't boo me." "I didn't fuck a kid." "[laughter, scattered applause]" "although neither did he, I guess, allegedly." "But where there's smoke, there's fire." "And where there's a hand on some kid's ass, there's michael Jackson." "But my kid has actually been, Iike, bugging me to do stories about our dogs, 'cause that's one of the things that we share a common interest in." "'Cause she's 8 and shit, and she loves me, and I Iove her, but we're on two different wavelengths." "Don't really relate to one another" "like the way I relate to my friends and shit." "I can't be sitting there talking to her about, Iike, "I got blown last night."" "You know." ""It was all right, but not one of the best," you know." ""What's 'blown'?"" ""Ask Mom."" ""And don't ever do it."" "But the dogs are something that we share a common interest in." "We got this little dachshund named Shecky." "Shecky." "And she is fascinated by Shecky." "She just wants me to make a movie about the little dachshund, because she thinks the dog is really wacky and shit like that." "She's like, "You can make a whole movie just about Shecky."" "I'm, Iike, "I don't know if anybody" ""but you and I would appreciate that movie." ""Even your mother would hate that movie 'cause she hates Shecky."" "Because I wasn't supposed to get the dog." "The dog was kind of a joke." "The dog grew out of a joke, man." "We were driving around-- me and Jen-- one day, and somebody had a dog hanging out the window." "You know, you drive around, you see people with dogs" "like this out the window." "It was a little dog-- wasn't a dachshund-- and it looked like it was belted in" "'Cause you can buy a seat belt for a dog now." "So this dog wasn't just a head out the window." "This dog was, Iike, two paws on the windowsill, one leg almost over the window." "This dude was making a turn and shit, and the dog was, Iike, hanging out the window." "We both saw it at the same time." "I said, "Did you fucking see that?" ""How fucked up is that?" ""That dog, Iike, looks like he's faIIing out of the car." "The dog's like"" "And nothing I say makes my wife Iaugh-- very IittIe-- so when she laughs, I tend to fucking, Iike, run it into the ground and shit." "Kind of like the way I run my career." "So she laughed at it and shit, and so it just grew from there." "She was like, "That's so funny." "Why does he make that noise?"" "I didn't wanna tell her that's the noise that fucking R2-D2 makes when he's shot." "So I just took credit for it, you know." "I was like, "I wrote that."" "And that was the dog" "She was just like, "That's so funny." "I was like, "Can you just see fucking Shecky hanging out the window?"" "And she fucking thought that was brilliant." "She was like, "Why is the dog named Shecky?" "I've never heard that before."" "I was like, "That's a real name." "You never heard Shecky?"" "She's like, "No." She thought it was fucking hysterical." "So every time I want to make her laugh, I'd bring up a Shecky story." "Then I was like, "We should just fucking get a Shecky."" "'Cause we got dogs, right?" "We got two yellow labs." "One is named MuIder." "One's named ScuIIy." "A little gay, but whatever." "And then we went and got a chocolate lab one day named Louie." "And so we had three dogs aIready-- three labs." "They're all kind of" "Not huge dogs, but big dogs." "NormaI-sized dogs." "The idea of having a hot dog-- a wiener dog" "Which, you know" " Look, I Iove dogs." "And that kind of looks like Shecky." "Except she's not blue." "But I always wanted a little dog." "Not so I can carry it around like Paris hilton and shit, but just to have, Iike a little dog, 'cause I thought, Iike" "There was a book we read to harley called Big Dog and Little Dog." "It's about a very large dog that hangs out with a very little dog." "Go figure." "And there was one version of the book called Big Dog and Little Dog Wearing Sweaters." "That was the name of the whole fucking book." "I used to love reading the kid that book, 'cause what a great title that was and shit." "That's the title on the very first page." "Big Dog and Little Dog are Wearing Sweaters." "Like that's their whole day-- pimpin' around in sweaters." "So I was, Iike, "We should get a little dog, 'cause then we'II finally have Big Dog and little Dog and shit." "And the wife just wouldn't hear about it." "I was, Iike, "Come on, man." "Like, a dog named Shecky." "A little dachshund named Shecky." "A wiener dog named Shecky." "How awesome is that?" She's like," ""Maybe if one of these other dogs die, sure." ""But right now, we got three dogs." ""You don't need a fucking fourth dog," ""especially if it's just for a punch line to a joke that wasn't that funny to begin with."" "I was like, "You laughed."" "So one day, the wife was going out of town." "A friend of hers was having a baby shower and shit, and she was leaving me with the kid." "And I was testing the waters and shit." "I was, Iike, "When you're gone, we're gonna go out and get a Shecky."" "She was, Iike, "Don't fucking do it, Kevin!" ""I'm serious." "I do not wanna come home to a fucking dog." "Don't buy another dog."" "I was like, "I wouldn't fucking do that." "I'm just busting your nonexistent fucking balls."" "So brought her to the airport-- me and the kid in the car." "Dropped her off on the curb, and one hour like, "Love you." "Bye."" "Door closed." "I was like, "Let's go get Shecky."" "That's what the kid is awesome for." "The kid is just an awesome little fucking devil on your shoulder that's super-supportive of all your worst instincts." "Where you're just like, "Let's get fucking ice cream."" "She's like, "Yeah!"" "So I was like, "Let's go get Shecky."" "She's like, "I'm right behind you, Pop." You know." "So we hightaiI it to the fucking maII." "You'd imagine I would've learned, because I bought a mail dog before." "mail dogs just not great dogs and shit." "First dog we got was ScuIIy." "We got her 'cause Jen got pregnant." "We were talking." "I was like, "I don't know if I'd be a good father." "I've never really taken care of anything in my Iife."" "She was like, "Me, neither."" "I was like, "Maybe we should get a dog to see-- you know," ""to train as parents and shit." "You could, Iike, breastfeed and whatnot."" "I can take pictures, put it up on the Web." "Lucrative bestiality market." "So we decided to go out and get a dog." "She's like, "We gotta get yellow labs, 'cause I grew up with a yellow lab." "yellow labs are great around children." "That's the kind of dog we gotta get."" "I was so excited, 'cause I've never had a dog in my Iife." "Had cats." "One day, a cat followed me home and shit like that, which was awesome." "We were never allowed to have pets." "I was about 13." "This cat just hung out on the front steps of our house." "It was kind of grown-up and shit." "So I kept feeding it." "finally, I said to my parents," ""Can't we just let this cat in the house?"" "They were like, "Maybe it's time he had a pet." ""He's fucking 13, and he's interested in pussy, so this counts."" "So we got that cat." "That led to another cat." "That led to another cat." "We had five cats in the house." "So we went from having no pets-- just a barren wasteland of pets-- to having five cats in the house." "We became "the cat house" in town." "Cats are great, but they're just not" "They have no use for you until you feed them." "Other than that, they're just, Iike, very independent." "They're not Iike a dog who'II come up and slobber all over your face." "Man's best friend." "Cats are just, Iike, man's complacent roommate." "So" "It went far with the cats, too, for some reason." "Like, my father, in his retired years, used to work at the post office." "He'd finally retired, and then he had nothing to do during the day." "One of the things he used to do, and hated doing but did it reIigiousIy" "There were cats outside the house 'cause we had cats inside, so other neighborhood cats would hang out near our house." "They didn't seem to be owned by anybody, and I started feeding them." "So whatever leftovers we had-- put out for the cats." "And then it gradually grew into an army of 27 cats." "No lie, dude." "Like, you hear about the famiIies" "Like, "That's a house that has 27 cats."" "That was our fucking house." "people are, Iike, "That house smells like cat urine."" "My house." "My old man, Iike, every day at 3:00 and shit like that, would kind of get this dishwashing bucket." "Big plastic dishwashing bucket." "Tupperware-type thing." "A trough, Iike, this big." "fill it full of, Iike, fucking any kind of cheap dog food we'd get at the food store, stale bread, water, any leftover meats and shit." "Grind it up with his fucking hands, bitching about it the whole time." ""These fucking cats." "I hate this shit, Grace." "I hate these cats."" "And nobody ever made him do it." "It wasn't like my mother was like, "You'II feed those cats, or no anal for you."" "It was nothing like that." "He just fucking did it." "That was his thing." "But he hated doing it." "But he did it every day." "I would always have to open the door for him." "He's like, "Go get the fucking door." "Open the door."" "And he'd fucking wrestle with this big bucket full of cat shit, bring it outside, put it downstairs." "And, Iike, out of nowhere, Iike fucking ninjas, 27 cats just appeared." "Went around the trough just fucking eating'." "It was fucking insane, dude, to watch." "And he would bitch about it the whole way. "Fucking cats." ""One day, something's gonna happen." "They'II all be gone." "I can't fucking wait." Never occurred to him" "Just stop feeding them, dude." "They're only hanging out 'cause they know at 3:00 every day, they're gonna get a meal." "Just stop feeding the fucking cats." "But I think he secretly loved it." "Then we had a big flood right when we were supposed to start shooting Clerks." "I think we were supposed to start shooting Clerks in December of '92." "'91?" "'92?" "'92." "There was a big nor'easter storm we had on the East Coast." "Our town, highlands, was kind of below sea level to begin with." "The town flooded." "We had tons of water in our house." "And killed all the fucking cats." "It was kind of sad, but it was also kind of fucking funny." "'Cause they had nowhere to go." "They all lived in our yard and other people's yards." "After the floodwater subsided" "'Cause it was up to here in my house-- the water." "We had a ranch house" "When you hear ranch house, you're like, "Wow, you had horses?" No." ""Did you have a Iot of property?" Not at all." "A ranch house is just a one-fIoor house." "So we had water up to here in our house and whatnot." "So I was sloshing around in the house in fucking water." "So anybody outside on four legs was just, Iike" " You know." "Trying to fucking keep their head above water and shit." "When the water subsided, we would be finding cats for the next month." "We'd find cats" " It's a true story." "It's sad but kind of funny." "Uh, neighbors would be like," ""We found five of your cats under our house."" "We'd be like, "well, those weren't technically our cats." "They were just cats outside that we fed a Iot."" "The neighbor's like, "Yeah, that makes them your cats." ""could you fucking get a Hefty bag and get them out of there, please?"" "There was one cat across the street" "Like, was climbing onto a fence" "Not like a chain link fence, but, Iike, covered in wire and shit." "I don't know what they call those kinds of fences." "Look like a waffle kind of." "He had one paw linked in and the other paw grasping onto the top, and he had bitten onto the fence with his mouth." "So he was Iike" " Dead." "Frozen like that." "So the rigor had set in." "My mother's like, "Get that cat off the fence."" "I was, Iike, "Why me, man?" "They're not my cats."" "She's like, "They're not my cats, either."" "I'm like, "They're Dad's cats."" "She's like, "You gonna tell your father to take that dead cat off the fence?" "He's finally got some fucking peace."" "So I had to go over and try to take the cat off." "The cat had just become part of the fence." "It was fucking rock solid and shit." "Just" "Eyes open in terror." "Just" "Looking at me like, "Why didn't you save me from the flood?" ""You could've opened your door, man." "You feed us." "There's a responsibility." "We were yours."" "I'm like, "You weren't mine." "We have cats inside." "I'm sorry." "We couldn't take all"" "Having a discussion with a dead cat on a fence." "So never had a dog." "So, finally," "Jen gets pregnant and whatnot." "I'm, Iike, what a great idea." "Get a dog." "I can finally do dog, Iike I never had." "So we went to the MenIo Park mail, go to the pet store, and we're like, "Do you guys have any yellow labs?" "We're looking for a yellow lab puppy."" "The lady's like, "Oh, we have one." "Over there."" "We go down the line." "There's all cute little dogs and shit." "And there's this one dog which kind of looks like it was painted to be a yellow lab." "The biggest dog in the place," "like it had gotten there when it was a puppy, and people just kept passing it over and passing it over." "So it was in this little cage that they put the puppies in, but was now, Iike, kind of an adolescent dog." "So it was like this." ""Can you take me out?" "You have any interest in a fucking yellow lab?"" "So we're like, "Let's look at that dog."" "Opened the cage, that dog, Iike" "Like we'd invented fucking breathing and dog food." "The dog was all over us." "Just so in love instantly and shit." "It was the only one there." "We were kind of impulse buying." "We're like, " AII right, I guess we should get her,"" "but she's bigger than a puppy."" "And I'd never had experience with puppies." "But I was like, "Is this how big they come out?"" "Jen's, Iike, "No." "usually they're small and lovable." "Not like this."" "So we got her anyway and took her home." "Tried her on for about a week." "After a week, we were both like, "This sucks."" "Like, this thing's needy and shit." "Like, wants to eat, wants to go out, wants to play." "Let's get another dog." "That way, this dog could play with that dog and leave us the fuck alone." "excellent training for parenthood." "So we decided to go get another dog." "This time, we weren't gonna buy it at the mail." "'Cause this one was slightly retarded." "Aside from just being oversized and whatnot," "ScuIIy's just not right in the head, man." "She's just really fucking dumb." "Some dogs are kind of goofy dumb, but yellow labs are supposed to be real smart." "They're the dogs they train to drag blind people around." "This dog you would never want to hook up with a blind person." "Or a living person." "Just not" "Not real good at anything and just always has a dopey fucking expression on her face." "Like, full of love but just full of shit, too." "Just reaI" " Just-- [silly noises]" " You know." "That's my impression of ScuIIy." "Just dumber than a box of rocks." "So we decided, I guess, maybe the mail dog's a bad idea, man, 'cause this one's stupid, and she shits where she shouldn't." "You're supposed to train them to do that." "We didn't know that." "But that's not what made her stupid." "She was just fucking born retarded." "I don't think she was a yellow lab." "We kept asking the person at the pet store," ""Are you sure this is a yellow lab?"" "She's like, "Oh, yes." "Lab-Iike." "It's yellow."" "She's definitely some kind of crossbred dog." "Not full lab." "'Cause then we finally met what a real lab is." "We decided not to go back to the pet store and get another dog." "We decided to look for a breeder's kennel." "There's one in middletown, on the highway, I always pass." ""Breeders kennel." "Certified Puppies." "Pedigreed Puppies."" "So we went in to get that dog." "Now, I was fucking blown away when we bought ScuIIy, because the dog was 600 bucks." "I was just, Iike, who the fuck pays for dogs?" "Because don't they just throw that shit away at the A.S.P.C.A. or whatever?" "Like, at the kenneI" "If the dogcatcher picks up a dog, they hang out for a week." "If they don't get adopted, they chuck them out." "You'd imagine we can just go get one for free." "Jen was just like, "yellow Iabs" ""They don't chuck out yellow labs." "You gotta go buy dogs like that."" "So when I went to the pet store and bought ScuIIy, and they said, "600 bucks,"" "I was like, "You're out of your fucking mind." "I can go get fucking 16 dogs for less than that, man." "Ones they're just gonna burn in a week, so"-- [audience members] Aww!" "I hate to break it to you, but that's what they do with those dogs." "Everyone's just, Iike, "Oh, the puppy kennel and shit."" "If they don't fucking get rid of them, they're, Iike" "But all dogs go to heaven, so it all works out." "So I was like, "600 bucks, man!" "Come on."" "She's like, "This is training for parenthood, so 600 bucks" "What are you worried about?" "600 bucks is nothing."" "I was like, "Yeah, you're right." "600 bucks, I guess." "Whatever."" "So I was going into the kennel expecting to pay roughly the same fucking thing." "Maybe less, because this dog would be smaller than ScuIIy, 'cause ScuIIy was already almost half grown-up." "So we went in, and they had these beautiful little lab puppies that are, Iike, this big and shit like that." "You could just put them in your mouth, you love them so much." "I Iove you." "Bunch of them skittering around and shit." "Just all dopey, running into one another, playing and shit." "Jen found one, picked it up." "Said, "Oh, I Iove this one."" "It was a little boy." "We had a girl, so we're like, "Let's get a boy."" "We had a ScuIIy." "Let's get a MuIder." "So she was like, "This is the one I want."" "I was like, "Right on."" "So took it up to the counter, slapped it up there." ""How much?"" "Chick was like, "$6,000."" "I was like, "You are out of your fucking mind, man!" "I just bought a dog for 600 bucks just like this!"" "She's like, "Not like this." "This is a pedigreed dog" ""bred by two completely separate" ""Not inbred, doesn't come from a puppy farm." ""They will have no hip dysphasia." ""They will be able to make your coffee in the morning." ""This dog was bred for success." ""This is the perfect fucking dog," ""and you pay for quality." ""That's what this dog costs." "If you don't want it, fine." "Somebody else will buy it."" "And Jen I hadn't known too long at this point." "We were only in the second month of our relationship." "So I'm looking over at her, and she's, Iike" " You know." "I don't wanna be the guy who's like, "You can't buy that fucking dog!" "Let's get out of here!" You know." "So I was just like, "AII right." "Fucking fine."" "So I shelled out for the fucking dog." "Worth every penny." "Just insane-- insane how fucking good that dog is." "MuIder is an amazing fucking dog." "MuIder's the most human fucking dog, I think, that has ever fucking lived." "You know, Iike they talk about Lassie." "Be, Iike, "Timmy's in what?" "Timmy's in the well?"" "Lassie's a made-up character." "Fucking MuIder is real." "Based on a made-up character, but..." "But just so insanely fucking smart." "And so empathetic and shit like that, knows your moods and whatnot." "We can fucking get MuIder away from doing bad things just by going "Ooh."" "MuIder use to do something remotely bad, and we'd be like, "Ooh," and he'd be like, "Oh."" "And not fucking cower in fear" "like he's gonna get hit, but just be-- you know, MuIder would be jumping up on the couch, and we'd be like, "Ooh."" "We didn't even yell," "like, "MuIder, get off the fucking couch!"" "We'd just be like, "Ooh," and he would be like..." "And just sulk in shame and shit." "Like, "I'm better than this."" ""You're right." "I shouldn't be up on the fucking couch." ""That's my bad." ""Can I do something to make it up to you?" "Here's your $6,000 back."" "He's just a fucking good dog, man." "real fucking good." "You know, so good that he makes the other one" "look even fucking worse and shit." "Where you're just like," ""Oh, you're just" " You are fucking" ""You are a golden gift from the Lord himself." ""What the fuck happened to you?" "Take a page out of this guy's book."" "And for years, we had ScuIIy and mulder." "And ScuIIy we had fixed and shit because we didn't want to have any puppies." "MuIder we didn't have fixed because he never showed an interest in sex whatsoever." "And if you spend your whole life with ScuIIy, it's easy to know why." "Because I'm sure he's just like, "I'm not gonna fuck her." "She's retarded."" "Never showed an interest in sex, and we never had to have him fixed." "MuIder got to keep his nuts and shit." "And I guess for labs you're supposed to get rid of their nuts because it heIps" "I mean, if they have their nuts, cancer kind of breeds better or something." "I don't know." "You hear some shit." "But I was like, "Let him have his nuts." "He's got nothing else in life." ""He's not allowed on the couch," ""We're always 'oohing' at him and shit." "Just let him keep his goddamn balls."" "And it was never a problem." "He never tried to fuck ScuIIy, never showed an interest." "Other girl dogs walked past and shit, he was never like "uhh," you know." "Just asexuaI as a motherfucker." "The only time he showed any interest in sex whatsoever," "eliza Dushku came to our house with a dog and it was her dog, and it was a boy dog..." "Yeah!" "And MuIder was all over that fucking dog, man." "Not just sniffing its ass, but just like..." "And we were like, "MuIder's gay."" "You know?" "He has no interest in ScuIIy, he wants to fuck this boy dog." "But I'm sure he was just like, "My options are limited." ""It's fuck her or fuck him." "And I'II fuck him because that sucks."" "Never showed an interest in sex beyond that fucking dog, and that dog wasn't around very much, so it never occurred to us to get him fixed or anything like that." "We just thought he was over it, because at this point he was seven, almost eight years old." "And so we thought he was beyond sex." "When we got Louis-- Louis was a girl dog." "Louis was like a fucking post-New Year's Eve party purchase on January 1st." "This is the danger of opening a mail on New Year's Day." "Sitting around, kind of hung over-- me and Jen and Shay talking about dogs and like, "WouIdn't it be great to get a chocolate lab?"" "[imitates inhaling]" "[stoned voice] "It would." ""'Cause it wouId be like a reverse Oreo thing going on."" "And after two hours of fucking drunken, hung-over, high discussion about getting another dog," "Jen was just like, "Let's do it!" "We're adults now." "Let's get another dog."" "And I was like, I can't believe she's saying this." "It would have been more-- less shocking if she had said," ""Let's me, you, and Shay fuck right now."" "I would have believed that." "For her to say, Iike, "Let's get a third dog,"" "I was just like, "What are you, fucking high?"" "And she was." "Louis turned out okay, and Jen was like," ""That's it." "Three dogs." "No more," and shit." "So Jen takes off." "I say to harley, "Let's go buy Shecky."" "We go to the pet store-- same pet store where we bought Louis the mail dog-- they had one dachshund girl." "And I didn't want to get a boy because, you know, they fucking piss all over and shit like that." "It's like, "Let's get a girl."" "So we went and got a girl and shit." "And we're playing with her." "You know, you get to test drive it in the store." "playing with the dog, and the kid's like, "I Iove her." "I Iove Shecky!" and shit like that." "I was like, "I Iove her, too." "This is gonna be awesome." "Thank God your mother's not here."" "Jen called on my cell phone to tell me she had landed." "Because she was only going to San Francisco." "So I was like, "hello?" She was like, "Hey, I'm here."" "I was like, "Great." "You're safe?" "Was it a good trip?" She's like, "Yeah."" "In the background you just hear "Yip."" "And she was like, "What was that?" "And I was like, "That's MuIder." ""It didn't sound like MuIder." "And I was like, "No." "It totally is."" "She's like, "Where's harley?" I was like, "harley's here."" "And harley's like, "I Iove you, Shecky." "And she's like, "Did she just say 'Shecky'?"" "She was like, "You're not fucking buying another dog, are you?"" "And I was like, "well, not yet."" "She's like, "You went to the fucking pet store." "You're at the pet store right now."" "I was like, "No." "We're just looking."" "She's like, "You can look all you want, Kevin." "Do not bring another dog home."" "I was like, "I won't, man." "I won't."" "She said, "You're buying it, aren't you?"" "And I was waiting for the chick to hand my credit card back." "'Cause my wife's got big ears and they're finely tuned, man." "She can hear the swiping of a credit card." "And she's like, "I can't fucking believe you."" "I said, "It'II be fine." "Don't worry about it, man." ""I'm not really going through with it." "It was just an exercise for the kid because it's funny."" "And she's like, "Don't bring that dog home."" "I was like, "I won't."" "Hung up, put the dog in a box to travel home." "immediately, it just started yelping." "And I was like, "Fuck." "Why is this dog so needy?"" "So I was like, "You gotta hold Shecky, harley," ""because she's all barking and shit, and she don't want to be in that box." "She's scared, maybe, or something."" "She's like, "well, I don't want to hold it." "She's scratchy."" "And I was like, "I thought you had my fucking back an hour ago, man."" "You wanted Shecky and we were gonna have fun and make fun of her and shit, you know?" "Because that the whole reason to get a hot dog dog-- just to point at them and be like, "Isn't that fucked up?"" "We didn't even get a real dachshund." "We got a miniature dachshund, which I didn't know." "I just saw the sign that said "dachshund."" "I was like, "Give me that."" "And when I got home, and Jen was just like, "This is really small."" "I was like, "well, it's a puppy."" "She's like, "well, it's two months old." "It should be bigger than this."" "I'm like, "I don't know." "They're wiener dogs." "How big can they get?"" ""Look at her." "Isn't it fucked up?"" "She's like, "Give me the receipt."" "She's like, "This is a miniature dachshund."" "I'm like, "What does that mean?" "Aren't they all small when they come out?"" "She's like, "It means it'II never get bigger than this." "I was like, "You're fucking shitting me." "You see how small this dog is?"" "You can literally put Shecky in your mouth." "Not the whole dog, but just the head would be popping out like..." "So I was like, "Jesus Christ."" "I fucked up and I got a dog that's never gonna get big." "A defective fucking weird little dog." "boundless fucking energy, won't leave the other fucking dogs alone." "Won't leave us alone and shit like that." "Loves fucking MuIder." "Loves to jump up and grab MuIder's ears." "She jumps up, grabs his ear, bites, and then falls to the ground." "So MuIder spends most of his day like this." "You know, just" "And MuIder tries to put on a mean face." "Every once in a while you'II see him put on a mean face where he goes "Uhh,"" "but she don't buy it." "So she lives to torment the dog, is constantly biting his face, constantly biting, jumping, grabbing his hair, falling down, and yanking hair out of his body and shit." "And he was has this look of, "Dude, I'm in my golden years." ""You really had to bring this home?" "This is fucking horrible."" "But MuIder got his fucking revenge in a weird way because Shecky was too little to get fixed when we got the dog." "You see where it's going, don't you?" "And suddenly, the dog that never showed interest in sex in his life turned into Jason Mewes overnight." "It was fucking crazy." "MuIder never had anything but disregard for that little dog, except to try to swat her away and shit." "One day, Shecky went into heat." "And I didn't know what that was, because ScuIIy was fixed, Louis was fixed." "I had never seen a dog go into heat and shit." "Started seeing little blood drops around the house." "And I was like, "What is it?" "And she was like, "She's in heat."" "I was like, "Ew, she's having a dog period?"" ""well, fucking stick a tampon up there, man."" "But you couldn't stick a tampon in Shecky." "It would just blow her up three times the size she is." "She's like, "That's not how it works." "We have to get this dog fixed."" "And we took the dog to the vet." "The vet's like, "You can't fix her now." "She's in heat." "You gotta wait till heat's over."" "I was like, "God damn it."" "So we're running around with towels, cleaning up after Shecky and shit when she makes her little blood droplets." "But MuIder smelled fucking sex in the air, you know?" "That's how it works, I guess." "I had never seen him behave Iike" "I swear to God it was JekyII and Hyde." "He went from being the calmest dog in the world to just being humping anything that that dog was near, including trying to hump that dog." "He spent two weeks trying to-- desperately trying to fuck that dog." "Now, MuIder stands about this tall and he's a fuII-grown yellow lab." "Shecky is as big as this microphone." "No, really." "This is not a bad artist's rendering." "You put two legs here, two legs here, and a tall that stands up and crooks at the end, that's fucking Shecky." "So something that big tried to fuck something that small." "And you couldn't stop him, man." "He was a man on a fucking mission and shit." "You put him outside the door-- the first time he ever did it-- he started fucking scratching on the bedroom door all desperately." "You open the door and be like, "Can I help you?" "He'd shoot past you and immediately go to fucking Shecky and stick his nose up her ass." "And we're like, "Dude, stop it." "That's just not" " You can't do that." "That dog's too little" and shit." "He didn't know the meaning of too little." "He did not accept it and shit." "He just hunted that fucking dog." "And everyone kept saying, "You gotta keep him away." "Keep him away from fucking Shecky because she's in heat" and whatnot." ""Since you can't get her fixed, keep her in her cage."" "So we'd put her in her cage." "She had a little cage like this that she slept in at night, and the little latch that closes it." "But open and shit." "Not a plastic thing." "It just looked like a little jail cell." "Put Shecky in it, and we're like," ""At least if she's in the cage, he can't get to her, so we can let MuIder back into the room."" "Right to the cage." "He started humping the fucking cage, man." "And Shecky's pinned on the other wall, Iike..." ""What the fuck's going on?" "What is that red thing?"" "It's true, man." "I had never seen MuIder's red thing." "I saw it a bunch over the two weeks, man." "My man was just always unsheathed and ready to go." "And I don't know how it fucking works, but it looks like it's already sticky with cum to begin with." "I don't know if dogs reach a point where "Uhh" and there's an orgasm, or it's just like, "It's always cum time, baby." "Let me just get it up there."" "AII over that fucking cage, man." "It was insane." "We were like, "MuIder, show some fucking dignity."" "He's like, "I fucking" "You don't know how badly I want to."" "Like, "I wish."" "He's going, "You can 'ooh' me to death right now," ""and it wouldn't affect me." "I know better than this," ""but I need to fuck that little dog, man." ""This ain't me." "This is fucking nature." ""You can't fucking stand between me and pussy." "Not now, not for the next two weeks." "You better shoot me now because I'm gonna fuck that little dog before it's all over." "We left fucking him and her in her cage, in the room, had to go out and shit, came back, the cage is just caked in fucking semen." "almost as if he was standing outside the cage, just like, "Look at it."" ""I'II be back in an hour."" "And she would have fucking-- I don't know what it was-- because, again, I've never watched a dog come." "It's like there's dog porn where he's like... and shoots on another dog's back." "It's just" "generally that happens inside, and you know what happens." "But she had shit matted all over her that was awfully cakey and fucking white." "So it was just a fucking horror show for a while." "And then, fucking one day, we came home and somebody didn't put Shecky in the fucking cage." "Nobody saw it, don't know what the fuck happened." "Shecky, whose vag I had never noticed, was dragging 4 inches down to the floor behind her." "Shecky had the biggest Iabia I've ever seen in my Iife." "AII of a sudden, you could find Shecky easy because there were snail trails to follow." "It was fucking crazy." "And I was like, "What's all this?"" "And then the trail led to fucking Shecky, who's just fucking laying there Iike-- [panting]" "And she's got lips hanging out longer than her tail, man." "I'm like, "Has the dog always had this big a pussy?"" "And Jen was like, "Let me s-- Oh, my God!" "He fucked her!"" ""MuIder, why'd you fuck her?"" "And MuIder's just sitting there like," ""You don't have to fucking berate me." ""I'm hating myself right now." ""You don't understand how much I hate that little dog, but I had to fuck it." ""You guys let her out of the cage, and we did it." "And sorry, but I'II do it again if you don't stop me."" "And Jen got" " Jen's a real feminist and shit." "She just don't like men very much, which is" "I think she only married me because my dick's so small," "I might as well not be a dude." "Might as well be a chick." "She hates men, and she's always looking for more reasons to hate men, and she's like, "He raped that little dog." "Just like all men do." "He's a little rapist."" "And I was like, "When a dog fucks another dog, it's not really rape." "That's what they do and shit." "I don't think Shecky--"" ""You think Shecky wanted this?" "Look at her!"" "To be honest, she didn't look like she wanted it." "The dog looked fucking sheII-shocked like you read about." "It was just like, "Something as big as me entered me?" ""Left, came back, kept making up its mind whether to come in and go," ""and dropped a load and walked away." "What the fuck?"" "And MuIder was just sitting there like," ""There's fucking payback for biting my ears all those times."" "But just full of shame." "You could tell he hated himself." "Sometimes you fuck someone and you're like," ""Oh, God." "Why did I fuck that person?"" "And you'II go back and do it again because they're willing to give it up for free and shit." "And you're Iike" " Every time you're in the middle of fucking," ""I hate myself for fucking this person, but I wanna come."" "That's what MuIder was." "He was just a beast that wanted to fucking come and shit." "Hating every minute of it, just like, "I can't stand that little dog, but I'm sorry, I had to bust a nut in her."" "And it was fucking horrifying, just horrifying to look at." "And then the horrifying notion set in that maybe he impregnated her." "At first, I was just like, "That can't happen." "He's a lab, she's a dachshund."" "I talked to a dog trainer friend of mine." "He was like, "What are you, fucking stupid?" ""You think breeds can't cross breeds?" ""It's a dog, man." "A dog fucks another dog, little dogs come out."" "And I was just like, oh, my God." "I don't want to see the product of this unholy union." "'Cause you have a lab, a good-sized lab, and a tiny fucking miniature dachshund." "I just pictured a little dog-- a tiny dog body, massive lab head." "So big it can't even support it." "Just always... head pinned to the ground, and the body just kind of walks around it." "Never able to move, just looking at me with these eyes of like," ""Why'd you let him fuck her?" "kill me now."" "So we were worried that we were going to have to take the dog to get an abortion, which brought up all sorts of unethical and ethical questions where I was just like," ""Look, I'm pro-choice, but this is kind of" "ShouIdn't we ask her how she feels?"" "So he fucked that little dog, man, and it made life really uncomfortable in our house for a Iong time because it's not pretty when you're fucking sitting on the bed, and the little dog jumps up on the bed," "and then it takes about two minutes for the rest of her to get on the bed, because her lips are still dangling on the floor and shit." "And then she kind of goes back to normal afterwards." "She doesn't dwell on it as much as you do." "I would just obsess on it and think about, Iike, "That's so fucked up, man." "How'd it happen?"" "I mean, I know how it happened, but like, "Why weren't we here to videotape it?"" "'Cause if it's gonna happen, I wanted to fucking see it." "And I did feel a little bad for her until fucking later in the week" "I caught her fucking coming on to the dude." "Because for a while, it just seemed like he was agro and crazy for her and shit." ""Do you fucking smell that in the air?" "That sex?" "I want to fuck."" "And you could, after a while, smell the fucking scent Iike-- you know, dog, female dog, give off that weird scent, and it was fucking powerful." "It didn't make me want to fuck her, but it was-- it was pretty fucking powerful." "I thought it was just him attracted to the scent and she wanted no part of him." "He'd fucked her, he'd got it out of his system." "I was like, "We don't have to keep her in the cage anymore because it ain't gonna happen again." "She knows how to defend herself now." "She knows what to expect." "If he starts coming at her with the red thing, she's gonna run away." "Sitting on the bed, watching TV, typing on the computer." "I Iook over, MuIder's laying on his fucking little dog bed." "Shecky, you always hear padding around." "She's got these nails, walks on the wood floor, and she's got a little bell on her collar, so you hear her coming." "walked right over to MuIder and fucking presented." "So bizarre." "walked over to him, turned her ass to him, just went like this." "And not even came over to him, "Hey, you want to play?"" "literally stuck her ass up in the air at his fucking face." "So sexy that I was like, "I might fuck her, dude,"" "If my wife came over to the bed to me, and was just like, "hello."" "I'd be like, "Oh, Jesus Christ!"" "I grabbed Shecky and I was like, "Get in the fucking cage, you slut." "Stop it."" "And then, fucking she went out of heat, and they acted like nothing happened." "So, fuck, you'd imagine that they would fucking hold a little bit of ill feelings toward one another or just like," ""Remember that time when you fucked me and you're just so big and I'm so little, and, Iike, you thought like I would just disappear essentially, or I'd become like a condom for your cock."" "A German condom, you know." "But they just went back to normal." "She went out of heat and shit, and suddenly that little dog just behaved the same way that she always behaved with MuIder and shit-- just jumping up and grabbing his ears, and he was always like this." "He'd look at me with those forlorn eyes." "I'd be like, "Fuck you, buddy." "That's your girlfriend."" "So I've talked to my kid about doing that as a movie, but it doesn't reaIIy" "I don't know if it wouId work." " Thank you." " Thank you, sir." "How are you, sir?" "excellent." "How are you, sir?" "Very well." "A little sweaty, but okay." " Same here." " Right on." "First of all, I will suck your dick off if you answer my question." "[audience whoops]" "Where were you when I was single, man?" "Like" "Where were even the male overtures of "I'II suck your cock for something simple."" "Right on, man." "Now I'm married." "It'd be weird." "I'm not gay, but for you anything." "That's kinda cool." "You don't" "Look, cock sucking and gay are not the same things." "My question for you is what is your favorite moment in your entire career-- Iike, working in movies, writing scripts, writing comic books, acting" "Do you have a moment where you look back on your entire career up to this point and say, "Now, that was awesome"?" "Yeah." "Shit." "Tons." " I mean-- - [audience member] Now suck him!" "[laughter, applause]" "AII right, Iet's go." "Let's go." "technically, he's right, dude." ""Yeah, sure" is definitely an answer to that question." "So you're saying you really want your dick sucked right now is what you're saying." "I'm kinda-  [audience groans]" " What?" "I'm preoccupied at the moment." "However, if you can kind find somebody else to suck off," "I would love to sit here, watch, and jerk off." "No." "No." "I won't do it." "Just one dude." "Just sit up here, just" "This place would fall fucking silent, dude." "It would be amazing." "You know how many copies of the DVD we'd sell?" ""I liked that Superman story from the first one," ""but this dude, Iike, got up and sucked another dude off," ""and it was fucking riveting." ""And the fucking Clerks guy just sat there and jerked off onto their faces."" ""His kid was crying backstage." ""His wife had a puzzled expression." "I think his mother just left."" "Anyway." "Since it's not going to happen because you seem fucking unwilling..." "I don't have any volunteers." "[audience member] Ask him a new question!" "He doesn't have to ask a new question." "It was a good question." "Just he, you know" "He buried the lead a little bit." "He was just like, "I'm gonna ask this question and then try to forget about the offer for cock sucking."" "actually, you didn't bury the lead." "You came up right in front and said," ""I will suck your cock if you answer this."" "That's not burying the lead, that's starting strong." "You finished weak, though." "'Cause finishing strong would have been Iike-- [slurping noises]" "Anyway, what was my favorite moment of my entire career?" "Is that it?" "The big moment?" "The moment that I was like, "Ah."" "honestly, every day has been kind of like that since the moment that we got into Sundance." "Even when we were making Clerks, it was kind of cool." ""I can't believe I'm doing this because I don't normally do this kind of shit."" "Clerks ll was a big highlight for me." "And I know some cats didn't dig on it." "Most cats seemed to dig on it." "It kind of worked." "I Iove that fucking movie, and it was just such a great experience from the moment I started writing it to the moment we fucking took it to Cannes, got a standing ovation." "Even the theatrical release I was happy with." "Just couldn't have been better." "But just full of wonderful things from day one." "It was awesome, under great fucking circumstances." "We got to make it really cheaply, so nobody was around to fuck with us, nobody was just like, "Put J-Lo in it."" "Nothing like that." "Went off and shot it." "The only sad thing is we didn't shoot it here." "We shot some of the stuff here." "AII the Quick Stop stuff, obviously." "But the majority of it, all the stuff that was shot at the movies, we shot in Long Beach." "Just outside of Long Beach." "Buena Park, it's called." "Right across the street from Knott's Berry Farm in california." "Because we were looking for a place to shoot" "We needed a fast food joint, because otherwise, we were gonna have to build one from scratch." "And building a fast food joint would have been cost prohibitive based on our budget." "So we had to find a cIosed-down fast food joint which, in the United States of America, is fucking impossible to do." "You cannot find a closed fast food joint, man, because fucking the moment one of them shutters, if they ever shutter, another one swoops in and buys it, and fucking opens up and shit." "We had one place, actually, out here which we were looking at, and we're like, shit, it's closing, we're gonna go get it, and a fucking Wendy's just pimped in and were like, "Fuck you." "We're gonna Biggie size it," and just took it over." "instantly!" "Just fucking right out from under us." "So there was a delay in shooting because we couldn't find a fucking fast food joint to shoot at." "And finally, we found one in Buena Park where somebody built a Burger King off the beaten path." "You know how you go to Great Adventure and shit out here, and as you drive down the strip" "Whoo, Great Adventure." "You drive down the strip, there's, Iike, mcdonald's, there's a bunch of mini malls, gas stations, people put up attractions and shit like that because they know you gotta pass it to get to Great Adventure," "so you're going to patronize their bus-- better chance of patronizing their business." "Same thing in Knott's Berry Farm." "There's this big street and there are a bunch of shit that has been built up around Knott's Berry Farm." "Knott's Berry Farm is apparently the first amusement park in America, and places have built up around it." "Because they see people come crowd to that place, they're like," ""Fuck it." "We're gonna build shit."" "So they built a medieval Times there, they built a Pirates Adventure Theater, you got your fucking McDonaId's, you got a hollywood Wax Museum and shit Iike" "Everyone builds on the strip, all these little tourist traps before you get to your main destination." "This Burger King looked at the strip, and was like, "Fuck it." "We're gonna build over there."" "And they went to a street buried behind another street where you can't even fucking see it from Knott's Berry Farm." "So there's no chance of you driving into Knott's Berry Farm going like, "I feel like a Whopper, man." "Where's the nearest Burger King?"" "You'd be like, "while we're here..." "Fuck it." "Let's just go to the park."" "You would never see this joint." "ironically, from the Burger King you can see Knott's Berry Farm." "It was like a dude was so fucking confident, he's just like, "I don't need to build it "near Knott's Berry Farm." ""It's Burger King." "They'II fucking come." ""So I'm gonna build it over there where it's cheaper." "And watch, watch them flock."" "And he built this massive fucking parking lot around it the size of two fucking football fields." "little Burger King, huge parking lot, as if he was just like," ""build a Iot of parking, 'cause they're coming." ""We need as much parking as Knott's Berry Farm because everyone loves a fucking Whopper."" "And then it went out of business." "slowly went out of business and shit." "Left this Burger King to fucking rot." "We were like, "Can we have it?" "And they're like, "We're gonna knock it down, build condos." "But if you can get it done in a month and a half, it's yours."" "Gave it to us real inexpensively." "Went in, turned the place into Mooby's." "That's where we shot most of the flick." "But when we were scouting out the joint," "I saw that there's a fucking motel right next to it." "Days Inn motel." "I was like, "This is kinda pimp,"" "because I saw a sign that said "Rooms $40 a Night."" "And I was like, "40 fucking dollars?"" "How horrible must it be in there?" "40 bucks doesn't buy you a Iot and shit, but 40 bucks-- that just sounds like a hooker hotel to me." "The kind of place where you're like, "I'II give you 20 bucks for half an hour,"" "and they're like, "sold."" "So, we were there-- it was me and Scott Mosier and Laura GreenIee." "And I was just like, "Laura, you know how we get the trailers for the actors" ""to hang out in between takes and shit like that?" "You know, the two-bangers--"" "These two little kind of apartments and this trailer thing." ""What if we just got rooms at the Days Inn because it's only 40 bucks a night." ""If you did the math, is that roughly gonna be what it wouId cost us to rent those trailers for a month and shit?"" "She's like, "Let me run some numbers."" "She ran some numbers, she was like," ""We can get a bunch of rooms." ""It would be roughly aggregate the cost of what it wouId be to rent some two-bangers and some trailers and shit like that."" "She's going, "plus, if we're getting a bunch of rooms, they'II probably give us a discount."" "So she went over there, talked to them and shit." "They wound up giving us the rooms essentially for $20 a night." "So it turned out we were going to go to the Days Inn and shit." "So I was talking to Mewes about it." "Mewes was living with us at the time." "And he said, "Are we getting our own trailers this time," " or are we in two-bangers?" " What?"" "I said, "No, dude." "We're getting hotel rooms."" "He's like, "hotel rooms?"" "And I was like, "well, technically it's a motel because you drive up to it." ""HoteI-- there's a building, you enter, take an elevator up to your room" ""and shit like that, they put a mint on your pillow." ""motel is just like you and the hooker pull up," ""open your door right off your car, get inside," ""close the fucking dirty curtain, and do your horrible Shecky-Iike business."" "So, um, I was like, "Yeah, it's a motel."" "And he's like, "Do I get my own room?"" "I was like, "Yeah, you'II totally get your own room and shit."" "He was like, "That's awesome."" "So I was packing up my shit, brought my DVD player, a bunch of DVDs, all my clothes and shit, because my plan was I was going to live down in Buena Park during the week," "shoot the movie, and on weekends come home and shit like that." "Just didn't want to fight traffic back and forth every morning." "also, we decided to take one of the motel rooms and set it up as the editing bay-- bring the Avid editing system down there, set it up, so between takes and at the end of the day," "I can just go edit the movie." "And it operated as a little studio and shit." "The little fake movies next to the real Days Inn and you could take a 30-second walk from one to the other." "So I was packed up and ready to go and shit, and I told Mewes, "I'm going down the night before and shit."" "He's like, "Can I go with you?"" "And I was like, "I guess, but you don't shoot for the first week."" "He's like, "But I wanna go get situated."" "And I was like, "AII right." "Right on."" "So I fucking come out of my room and shit, bring all my shit downstairs, there's fucking Mewes sitting on a pile of his shit at the front door," "like a child at Christmas." "He's like, "You ready?"" "And I was like, "Yeah, dude." "What, are you going to follow me down?"" "He's like, "Yeah, I'm gonna bring my car and shit." "I'm all packed."" "I was like, "What?" ""You're taking this awfully seriously, dude." ""It's a Days Inn motel." "I don't want you to get your hopes up."" "He's like, "No." "I'm fucking psyched, dude." "This is gonna be awesome." "It's like going to camp."" "I was like, "Right on."" "So we went down, drove down to Buena Park." "It was at night, so there was no traffic and shit, got in, got our room keys, fucking loaded up." "You know, unloaded the car, brought the shit to our rooms." "He opens his door, he's like, "This is amazing."" "And he loaded his shit in his room and shit." "And then I was-- immediately went about taking the sheets off and fucking putting my sheets on because I don't want to sleep on the sheets everybody came on." "I want to sleep on my sheets that I came on." "So I'm unpacking, trying to hook up my DVD player, and there's a fucking knock at the door." "I open it up, and it's Mewes, and he's like, "You wanna go to Target?"" "I was like, "It's 9:00 at night."" "He's like, "I know, but I need some home furnishings."" "I was like, "I guess." "I couId pick up some toothpaste."" "And so he was like, "Let's rock it." "Let's go."" "So we drove to the Target, which is down the street and shit, and I grabbed a fucking hand basket because I didn't need much." "Mewes grabbed two fucking carts, bungeed them together and shit, and just started fucking shopping like he was on a game show and he had to fill two cartons in two minutes, you know, to win the grand prize." "The dude just went nuts just going down aisles, Iike," ""Need this, need this, need this."" "Just buying fucking everything." "Dude bought a fucking rubber plant." "You know, motel rooms come with rubber plants." "He wanted a better one." "You ever go to Target and see the bad wall art that they sell, and you're like, "Who the fuck would buy it?"" "Mewes bought two paintings." "And I use the term loosely." "He just bought some fucking wall art, bought a bunch of shit." "The weirdest thing I saw him buy was incense." "I was like, "What's that for?" "To take the fucking reeking stench out of the room?"" "And he's just like, "No, man." "It's just to find my center."" "Got back to the fucking place and shit." "Mewes' bill was really fucking high." "It was $300 worth of shit the dude bought." "He went to work on his room," "I went to work setting up my DVD player again." "Knocks on the door." "He's like, "You wanna come see my pad?"" "I was like, "Right on."" "walked down the hallway and he had turned it into" "Remember the episode of The Brady Bunch where Greg got, you know... got his own pad and shit?" "It was that minus the fucking love beads." "Open the door and shit, and he's got his fucking music playing, he's got his incense burning, fucking new wall art, a rubber plant and shit like that, fucking set up his TV and whatnot." "He just changed it around and shit." "It was like an apartment without a kitchen." "And he was so fucking happy and proud with it and shit." "And I was like, "I just want to remind you, dude." "You don't shoot until next week."" "He's like, "I know." "But look, I'm done."" "As if the feng shui really fucking mattered." "He had to get that right before he could concentrate on being like, "Uh, okay." "Good-bye, horses," you know." "So I spent that night" "I'm like, you know, I really should watch Clerks before I start shooting Clerks ll because I hadn't watched it in a while." "So I popped that in, stayed up till about 4 in the morning watching that and trying to see where my head space was then versus where it is now, and do we try to make it look like that or not?" "You know, just kind of like the Iast minute before the new movie began, just kind of engrossing myself in the old movie." "And so I slept for about two hours, call time was 6." "Fucking...knock at the door and shit." "Fucking stumbled to the door, opened it up, and there is Mewes, who's not working that day or that whole fucking week, bright eyed and bushy tailed." "He's like, "Good morning!" "You want a breakfast burrito?"" "I was like, "No, dude." "I'm good." "What are you doing up?"" "He's like, "I'm up, man." "The truck's here, the food's out there." "They got some coffee." "You want some coffee?"" "I was like, "No, dude." "I'm fine." ""I don't drink coffee." "I don't" " What the fuck are you doing awake?"" "He's like, "It's day one, man." "Day one on Clerks ll." "I'II see you down there." Fucking pumps away, just..." "Just a fucking cheerleader." "And fucking, you know," "I finally took a shower and stumbled downstairs, get to the set, say hi to everybody and shit." "Mewes is greeting people he's never met before." ""How are you?" "I'm Jason Mewes." "I'II be playing the role of Jay."" "You know, as if" "The cats are like, "We've seen the movies, dude." "We know who you are."" "But he was just so fucking invigorated, just so fucking rah-rah and shit like that, and remained that way through most of the fucking time we were shooting and whatnot, and really took his apartment seriously." "In a big, bad way, dude went back to Target, bought himself a chair." "Like a chaise longue kind of chair that you take to the beach and spread out and sit there and catch waves?" "He set it up in front of his room." "And basically, we had these rooms on the second floor of the motel, and they overlooked the parking lot or the Mooby's, and we did that because we didn't want anybody coming on their vacation or going to Knott's Berry Farm" "going, "What the fuck is going on?" "Why is that dude's dick tucked back?"" "Just so that there'd be no Iookie-Ious and nobody to have to explain shit to." "So Mewes is on the second floor with this fucking chair outside his fucking motel room door, hanging out." "Just hanging out, smoking cigarettes, talking to people as they walk by." ""Hey." "How are you?" "What are you doing today?" "I'm playing Jay in the movie Clerks ll. "" "Dude went and got himself a hibachi, a little hibachi." "As if he'd watched every TV show about people who buy their first house and was like, "I need a chair outside, and I need a barbecue grill."" "And even though we had catering on the set, the dude sat there with his little hibachi, fucking heated it up and shit, and would make fucking food for the cast and crew." "Fucking insane, you know?" "Just really weird behavior." "If I hadn't known better, I would been like, "What are you, on heroin?"" "But I knew he wasn't anymore." "But he would be sitting up there, and you'd be down directing and shit." "He'd be up on the second floor of the motel and shit, fucking cooking and be like, "You want a dog?" "You want a dog?" "You want a burger?" "Burger, burger, dog?" "Coming up."" "Whip 'em down to you." "Just a real fucking go-getter." "AII about it and so fucking energetic, and really pumped everybody else up." "He would organize activities when the day was done and shit." "On most movies, people are done shooting, they want to go home and shit." "Mewes would organize poker games." "Fucking one night, he was like, "We all have to go out to medieval Times." "You're paying, but we all have to go."" "Just way into it." "Way into the whole Clerks ll fucking experience and way into his fucking apartment, was dreading when we were fucking gonna wrap the show because we were there, essentially, for about three, three and a half weeks, four weeks of shooting." "Then we would wrap and go to Jersey to shoot for about a week of all the exteriors of Quick Stop and shit like that." "So we were getting close to the end of the shoot." "And I remember talking to him and just being like," ""You know we're out of here soon." "Did you start packing?"" "He's like, "What do you mean?"" "I was like, "well, we have to leave." "When we're done, we're leaving."" "He was like, "really?"" "I was like, "well, you didn't think you could stay here, did you?"" "He was like, "Can you buy these places?"" "I was like, "What, take the fucking motel condo or something?"" "I said, "You don't even have a kitchen in this motherfucker."" "He said, "I got a hot plate." "plus, there's a fucking Mooby's right next door."" "So he's like, "Here I can fuck anybody I want and shit." "I couId do things that I can't do back at your house." "I don't have to ask anybody for permission and shit like that."" "He said, "I just like it here."" "And he's like, "What do you think?" "Can I just get this place?" "How much do you think it wouId be a month?"" "And I said, "You want to rent this place like an apartment?"" "I was like, "You could probably get an apartment" ""back in Los angeles for roughly what you would pay for this." "Maybe it wouldn't be-- You'd have a bathroom." ""You'd have to deal with the fact that you had a kitchen."" "But he was like, "I don't know." ""I'm kinda thinking about staying." ""I'm used to it." "I kind of like it." ""This is my home now, and I kind of" "I got my groove on in this joint."" "I was like, "well, I guess you can ask." "The problem is it becomes expensive once we leave."" "He's like, "What are you talking about?" "I thought you said it's 20 bucks a night."" "And I was, "It's 20 bucks a night now because we paid for a bunch of rooms because the production's here, because we took up at Ieast 20 rooms." "But once we leave, it goes back to its normal price."" "And he's like, "well, how much is it normally?"" "And I was like, "It's 40 bucks a night."" ""40 bucks a night for this shit hole?" "Fuck it!" "Let's go."" "So that was cool." "During the making of that movie, he was just a real fucking spirit bunny and shit like that." "It was kind of charming." "And then we were done with the movie." "Of all the little problems, there was nothing insurmountable and shit." "We wrapped the flick, we showed Harvey Weinstein the movie, and Harvey was like, "I just got two notes."" "He's going, "I think it's really funny, but I got two notes."" "He's going, "You show Rosario kind of like, from here up."" "I was like, "We shot her in cowboy, cut her off at the knees."" "He's like, "Did you ever shoot her from head-to-toe?"" "And I was like, "well, no." "Not really," ""because they're not really doing that much of a dance."" "He's like, "well, you got to shoot her head-to-toe." ""That's how you shoot a dancer." ""You got to see their full body." "Shoot a dancer head-to-toe." ""I'II put you on the phone with Rob marshall." ""He made Chicago." "He'II tell you the same thing."" "And I was like, what an awkward call that would be." "I'm like, "Hi, is this Rob marshall?"" "He's like, "Yeah, is this Clerks guy?"" "I'm like, "Yeah."" "He's like, "well, you're supposed to show a dancer" ""from head-to-toe."" ""Look, I got to go, bye." You know?" "Such a bizarre fucking phone call I'd have to sit through." "I was like, "I don't know if we should." "I was like, "honestly, they're not doing much of a dance."" "She's wearing fucking, Iike, cords." "So, what you're seeing from the knee down isn't that fucking sexy." "It's not Iike they're wearing outfits" "like they wore in Chicago, bare-Iegged and shit." "She wearing fucking cords." "I said, "We're seeing the real important part of the scene."" "The true money, as it were, and whatnot." "It's not Iike she's doing some wicked shuffle with her feet that we're missing." "He's like, "I think you should re-shoot." ""I think you should shoot her head-to-toe."" "I was like, "I guess we could talk about it." ""What's the other thing?"" "He's like, "There's that conversation about the pussy troll."" "I said, "Yeah, yeah." "Fucking pillow pants."" "He's like, "Yeah, pillow pants."" "He's going, "I really think" ""You have this whole conversation about this thing," ""and they're sitting there talking." ""I really think you need to show that thing."" "And I was like, "You do know they don't exist, right?"" "He's like, "Yes, I fucking know they don't exist." ""But you can't just sit there" ""and have a fucking conversation about a pussy troll" ""and not show it." ""They sit there for two minutes talking about this thing," ""and we never get to see it." ""That's just bad cinema." ""You need to put it in there, particularly for Europeans." ""They want to see shit." ""They don't want to hear you talking about a pussy troll." ""You got to fucking shoot a pussy troll and put it in that movie."" "I was like, "I don't know how the fuck we're expected to do that" ""because it doesn't exist."" "The reason that scene works is because whoever is watching the movie, first, they have an idea in their head of what a pussy troll is." "And their idea is going to be way better than anything I couId show them because in their head, they can make up all sorts of weird nonsense and shit." "I put it out there" "What am I going to do, shove it out like one of those troll dolls?" "Be like, "This is a pussy troll."" "With my hand holding it on camera and shit?" "It would look like that scene in Spiderman, where Spiderman and the Green goblin are on the top of the building talking to one another." "You got two dudes, you can't see their mouths." "They're just wearing masks." "They're just talking like this." "It just looks like people were holding action figures." "Going, Iike, "Join me, Spiderman," ""so we can be fucking cool buds."" ""I don't want to do that, Green goblin."" "So, I was just like, "I just don't" ""The reason I feel like that scene works is" ""you have two guys in that scene." ""There's one guy in the scene who, with all of his heart," ""believes that there is such a thing as a pussy troll." ""And then you have the other guy," ""who represents everybody else in the world," ""just reacting to him the way that most people would." ""Just like fucking sheII-shocked, you know," ""jaw dropped, Iike, 'This dude's fucking insane.'" ""That's what's funny about It." ""The minute you show it," ""you're lending credence to the first guy" ""because there's a small portion of the audience that's like," ""'God damn it, is that what a pussy troll is?" "'" ""You run the risk of lending the idiot credibility." ""So I don't think you should show it."" "He's like, "I'm going to demand you show it." ""You should fucking do it." ""I'm going to make you do it and give you the money." ""You need to show it." "I think it'II make it even funnier."" "So he left, and me and Mosier were really sweating it," "like, "What the fuck do we do, man?" ""I don't want to show the pussy troll." ""It's funny because you don't show the pussy troll." ""It's just chatter, something to fucking talk about."" "I was like, "Maybe we just fucking dress up Mewes as a troll."" ""And just build a giant wooden Iabia around him." ""Just have him sit under it, going Iike--"" "And, you know, Mosier's all laid back, smooth." "He's like, "could work."" "So I hit up Mewes, I was like," ""Dude, we might need "to go back and do a little re-shooting."" "He's like, "What?"" "I was like, "We're going to need to shoot the pussy troll."" "He was like, "Those things exist?"" "I was like, "No."" "I was like, "But we might need" ""to dress you up like a pussy troll," ""and then fucking paint you green." ""Put a little fucking tutu on you, and a mean face," ""and fucking teeth, fangs, and weird hair." ""And build a giant wooden pussy around you" ""to fucking dance in."" "I was like, "We won't hold on it long, just a few seconds."" "He was just like, "I'II do it if I can keep the giant wooden pussy when you're done."" "Then we were at the fucking premiere." "Mewes comes up to me, goes "Dude, what happened?" ""Wasn't I supposed to play the pussy troll?"" "And I was like, "Yeah, dude, but didn't we ever talk about that?" ""We didn't wind up re-shooting it, obviously." ""You've seen the movie." "There's no pussy troll in it." ""You're not in there as the pussy troll." ""We didn't do it."" "He's like, "No, I get that." "It just kind of sucks."" "I was like, "The movie?"" "He's like, "No, but it wouId have been nice."" "I was like, "You think that would have been funny?"" "He's like, "I just wanted the giant wooden pussy for my-- for the door of my apartment."" "He wanted to just put it right outside his door." "So you'd come, you'd show up, go to knock on the door, and be like, "I get it." ""He's obviously a fan."" "So, that was just a great fucking experience." "Went to Cannes, got a standing ovation for it, and it was just a wonderfully wonderful, blessed experience." "Every part of that was fucking great." "How are you, sir?" "I'm pretty good." "Look, you kind of came dressed in costume." " Thanks." " So did I." "well, I can't beat that guy's offer, but-- [audience member] Do it!" "[audience member] Go!" "I read on the boards a while back, and the guy who asked the first question reminded me about it." "But I heard you had an interesting encounter with Anakin skywalker?" "With Anakin Sky" " Hayden Christensen?" " Yeah." "I did have a moment with Hayden Christensen." "It wasn't really an encounter because I never met the dude." "When we were doing Clerks ll, we put trailers out on the Internet." "First trailer we did that had dialogue, not the teaser one, was that moment where Kevin Weisman, who played the Lord of the Rings fan, was doing, "My name is Anakin." "My shitty acting is ruining saga."" "So that was in the trailer." "And we'd fucking mixed, up at SkywaIker ever since Dogma, before, where we mixed all our movies up there." "So I get a call from somebody at SkywaIker, and they were just like, "We got a problem."" "I was like, "What is it?"" "They were like, "Hayden Christensen" ""saw that trailer for Clerks ll online, and he's pissed."" "And I was like, "really?"" "They're like, "Yeah, he called up, and he was mad." ""And he was demanding that we sue you."" "I was like, "Why?"" "He was like, "Because you made fun of him, and he feels like it made him look bad."" "I was like, "I wrote a fucking stellar review" ""of Attack of the Clones, man." "Didn't he ever see that?"" "I was all for that dude." "Other people attacked him, said he was a whiny emo kid." "But I said that was what the role called for." "I thought he was great." "I was like, "Why is he fucking mad at me?" "Doesn't he know I'm a big Star Wars fan?" "He was like, "He fucking felt like you went after him." ""So, he's asking fucking George to sue you." ""But George is like, 'What are you talking about?" ""'You can't sue somebody for making a joke and shit." ""He's making a big stink about it." ""Can you fucking drop him a line, and tell him something that'II make him feel better?"" "I said, "Yeah." So I wrote the dude an e-maiI that I sent to this dude at SkywaIker." "I said, "Here are links to some nice shit" ""I said about his performance in other places." ""But just tell him it's all jokes, dude." ""If you see the movie in context, it's very pro Star Wars." ""RandaI, who's kind of the hero of the movie," ""is all for fucking Star Wars, and he doesn't come down" ""on fucking Hayden's portrayal of Anakin skywalker." ""The other dude, who's the guy" ""who's made to look like an idiot" ""and he fucking pukes" ""is a big Lord of the Rings jerk and shit." ""That dude's the dude saying the bad shit." ""I understand we're trying to have our cake and eat it too." ""But, at the end of the day, RandaI's kind of for him," ""although he never says he is," ""But he's anti Rings," ""so that makes him pro fucking Star Wars trilogies. "" "The dude's like, "You're really back-pedaIing right now."" "I was like, "I kind of am."" "I just never expected this to come out of someone because it was just so fucked up, so strange." "Darth Vader, the biggest bad-ass in the fucking galaxy is the dude who's like," ""I'm going to sue you for making fun of me."" "I just have this picture of him seeing that trailer and being like, "No!"" "[cheering, applause]" "I fucking love me some Revenge of the Sith." "But that was the silliest moment in that movie." "There are things you can attack about that movie that I'II defend and shit, but there is no defense against" ""No!"" "Just because you've never heard Darth Vader be like that." "Even when he loses at the end of Empire Strikes Back, he's just pimped out on the bridge and shit," "looking out the window, Iike, "I'II get him, sooner or later."" "But fucking to see him break down like a whiny emo bitch," ""No!"" "That was kind of indefensible." "But, so, yeah." "That was the Iast I heard about it." "We said we weren't gonna take it out," "Fucking Lucas films and SkywaIker were like," ""We're not asking you to take it out."" ""We think it's funny."" "plus, they'd seen the movie because we mix there." "They're like, "We get it." "You're fucking pro Star Wars." ""Not like you're coming down against it and shit." ""You're just taking a shot and it's a kind of funny shot."" "But that was that." "It's kind of strange, though." "Kind of weird." "Now I'm kind of afraid to run into the dude." "Have that mean face on me." "And he's a pretty man, too." "He's one of those really pretty dudes." "So if he's looking at me with a mean face," "I'II be like, "You're so cute." ""What can I do to make you smile, Hayden?"" "But that was it." "Never met him." "Never ran into him." "Just heard that he was a whiny, little fuck who didn't like us making fun of him." "But, you know, fucking, there were peopIe" "Entourage, a show on HBO, taking two shots at me in the past." "An episode where they went to Sundance and shit, where Ari gold was just like, "If it weren't for me--"" "There was a Harvey Weinstein type character," " I forget what his name was, but" " Harvey." "It was Harvey?" "That's some brilliant writing." "He's just like," ""If it weren't for me, Harvey would be stuck" ""making Kevin Smith movies his whole career."" "It was like, ooh, I felt like I got tagged on that one." "But I Iike that show, so I was like, "They fucking said my name."" "My wife, she don't like the show." "She won't watch it." "But I was like, "You got to fucking look." ""I'm Kevin Smith, man." "And she's like, "They're making fun of you."" "I was like, "I don't care." "I Iike the show." ""They said my name on the fucking TV show."" "I Iove hearing my name on TV." "I grew up watching TV, so hearing my name on TV," "I'm like, "The magic box said my name."" "[applause]" "So they did that once on Entourage, and then, a couple seasons later, they did it again." "This time, it was a little more." "They tried to jab the knife in a little bit more." "They were talking about" "They were shooting Aquaman 2." "There was a possibility of the main character, what's his name?" "Vinnie Chase." "Chase, Vincent Chase." "Vince Chase had done Aquaman, and they wanted to rush the sequel into production." "They were" " He didn't want to do it because he wanted to shoot the fucking Medellín movie." "And so, they were like," ""well, it's going, and you got to be in it."" "And he's like, "Who's directing it?" "Because Jim can't be ready--"" "Jim Cameron, in Entourage, directed the first one." "He's like, "Jim can't possibly be ready to shoot 2."" "They're like, "Not going with Jim Cameron." "They're going with michael Bay." "Him and his entourage of buddies were like, "Jesus, no."" "They're like, "well, who's writing it?"" "They're like, "Kevin's writing it."" ""Like, Kevin walker?" "Andrew Kevin walker?" ""The dude who wrote Seven?"" "Because he wrote the imaginary Aquaman in the movie." ""Is Kevin writing it?" They're like, "Kevin Smith."" "And they're like, "Fuck."" "At that moment," "I was just like, "They said my name, man." ""That I was fucking writing Aquaman 2 and shit."" "My wife, again, was like, "You're a fucking idiot, man." ""They're mocking you, you fucking fool."" "I was like, "What?" And I rewound it." "I was like, "Oh, I'm never working with fucking Vincent Chase, ever."" "But I took that in stride." "I thought that was kind of a cool thing." "Every knock is a fucking boost, as long as they fucking get your name kind of right." "Even if they were like, "Kevin Smith," ""he fucking takes nine cocks in the ass," ""three in the mouth, you know?" ""One under each armpit, and does this."" "I'd be like, "They said my fucking name!"" "So, you know, I've been made fun of." "Didn't fucking-- I didn't call up fucking HBO," "like, "I'm canceling my subscription."" "I immediately called up my agent." "I was like, "Get me on Entourage, dude," ""so I can bitch-sIap Ari gold."" "[audience member] Yeah." "Ran into Jeremy Piven at the Independent Spirit Awards-- not this year, but last year." "Said hi, he said hi." "We chit-chatted for a second." "Never once, was I Iike," ""Hey, man, why'd you make fun of me?"" "I was like, "Right on." ""You guys said my name." "That's fucking cool."" "So I don't understand why Hayden got all out of sorts about it." "The weird thing about Entourage, though, is people do think that show is fucking real." "They fucking believe it, Iike, you read about and shit." "Because I had people coming up to me for the next six months, going, "Dude, you're doing Aquaman 2." ""That's awesome."" "And I would be like," ""Do you remember seeing Aquaman 1?" "So I don't know." "Didn't know why that dude got out of sorts, but he did." "hopefully, that's in the past." "[applause]" "Hey, Kevin." "When's AffIeck going to do SModcast?" "AffIeck on SModcast?" "And be candid." "[cheering, applause]" "He'd be good, man." "Because he's good on the fucking commentary" "would he be candid, though?" "talk about some real shit, with J-Lo and Gwyneth?" " Oh, he'II never do that." " No." "You won't get that." "That AffIeck's gone, man." "That AffIeck is there, in private." "If you talk to him and shit, he's still fucking same old AffIeck." "But publicly, that AffIeck hasn't existed in quite some time." "The one who's really candid, and he's just like, "Let me tell you who I hate."" "Because it used to be fun." "We'd just do it together." "He'd read my interviews, I'd read his." "I'd be like, "That's awesome." "You fucking dropped science and fucking called this person a fool and shit like that." "That dude's gone." "The public face of that dude." "You just can't do it anymore." "I can get out there and be like, "This person's a jackass."" "And the only people that read about it are people online." "AffIeck calls somebody a jackass, it winds up in every fucking trade publication." "It winds up in the rags and the fucking tabloids." "It winds up fucking everywhere," "Top story, Entertainment Tonight." ""AffIeck called somebody a jackass."" ""AffIeck at war, day 1 ."" "But I remember that transition." "I remember watching him give an interview, and I was like, "Dude, what happened?" ""You're not dropping any cool fucking stories." ""That one story about this dude." ""You should tell that story." "That's fucking funny."" "He's like, "I can't do that anymore, dude."" ""It's just, I'm too high-profiIe." ""If I say something about somebody," ""I'm going to get in trouble, I'm going to hear about it." ""There's no end to the fucking problems." ""I got to write an apology note." "Fuck that." ""I'm just not into it anymore."" "So, I do kind of miss that dude." "When we were doing Jersey Girl, we did a" "No, no, no." "That was not a pause for applause." "I was wiping sweat off my nose." "It wasn't like, "When we did Jersey Girl"" "That was me pausing to go, "When we did Jersey Girl"" "Jesus Christ, I'm so hot." "We were promoting the flick, and we did an interview with" "What's the chick's name?" "She does the CBS News now?" "Katie Couric." "I'm getting old, dude. 37, you forget shit." "Katie Couric was on the Today Show at the time." "She sat down for an exclusive with AffIeck." "and they shoehorned me into that interview." "It was so uncomfortable because I'm like," ""This broad don't want to talk to me."" "She just wants to talk to the famous dude." "But I guess it was a 2 for 1 deal." "Or he was like, "I ain't doing it by myself." "You got to be there to fucking deflect, so it's not all about Jennifer Lopez and shit." "So, we're sitting there, doing the interview." "I remember, the interview is kind of very facile and superficial and polite and nice." "And he's kind of, "Aw, shucks."" "And I'm not saying this in a way of, Iike, he should have fucking come out with fucking guns blazing." "But it was just like, what a waste of time for everybody" "I certainly didn't want to be there." "I know that broad didn't want me there." "He wanted me there because he didn't want to do it by himself, but he didn't want to do it in the first place." "But he had to do it to promote the movie." "Nothing good comes out of this." "It's not Iike you have a real fucking chat and fucking cool shit comes out, and you're like," ""What a fascinating fucking interview." ""Yes, he torpedoed his career," ""but it was a great interview."" "It was just so fucking stupid and shit." "But I also remember thinking, if he gave this broad half an inch, she would suck the fucking balls off of his body." "She was so into him, man." "Like, everything he said, she was Iike" "I was like, "This is a newswoman," "like a hardcore journalist."" "And she's just like, "You're cute, you know that?"" "And he's like, "Stop it."" "She's like, "You are adorable, Ben affleck."" "I'm like, "Haven't you spoken to fucking sitting presidents" ""and fucking Kissinger and shit like that?" ""And you're just blowing this dude because he's famous." "And, yeah, he's handsome, but still, you know," "like, show some fucking dignity, man."" "And I remember, we were doing some B-roII of us walking along the boardwalk in Asbury Park." "It was, IiteraIIy" "Again, I'm breathing." "It was literally like being the third wheel on somebody's date." "kind of walking and talking and shit."" "And those two were walking." "She was linked arms with him and shit like that." "And I was the fat friend just following behind." "[Man] Hey, how's it going?" "Why does Mewes call you Moves?" "Why does Mewes call me Moves?" "There was a time, believe it or not, when I fucked more people than Jason Mewes." "It was a Iong, long time ago." "Because when I started hanging out with Mewes, he was a virgin, and he was like, "I'm straight-edge, dude." ""No booze, no drugs, no chicks."" "I was like, "I don't remember" ""that being part of the straight-edge code, dude."" "The last part, and shit." "He was all kind of shy around chicks and whatnot." "finally, he started getting laid, later in life." "Then once he started fucking, he never stopped." "Dude's fucked a Iot of people." "I remember talking to him after he got out of rehab the Iast time he went to rehab." "And he was at my house for about a month." "Every day, I would talk to him after he got out, and I'd just be like, "How do you feel?" "How you feeling?" ""Do you feel like you want to use drugs?" ""Are you tempted?" "Have you come across anybody that's offering you drugs?"" "And he could just talk to me." "Just always talking it out." "So he can kind of put it on Front Street." "It was the one month anniversary of him getting out of rehab." "He'd been clean and sober for a month." "He was staying at my house." "And he was going out quite actively at night." "Just going out and partying and shit." "But not doing drugs." "He would go out to clubs with his friends." "It was him, and Jack Osbourne, and this dude Mike McGinnis, and this dude MiIo." "They would go out and shit and go to clubs, go to the Spider club." "Everyone around him would be drinking." "They'd be drinking Red bull and shit." "Red bull really should change their campaign to" ""If you just quit heroin, Red bull's for you."" "Because I swear to God," "Mewes drank more fucking Red bull than I've seen anyone drink of any liquid in my fucking life." "Just Iike-- [imitates pop top opening]" "Just banging' them." "And I was like, "Dude, how--"" "I watched him drink two six-packs of Red bull." "They come in four-packs, but I don't know how he did it." "In the span of 20 minutes." "I'm like, "Dude, how does your heart not fucking explode?"" "He's like, "Come on, dude." "I fucking used to do heroin."" "I was like, "I guess you're right."" "So him and his boys would go out and go to clubs and shit, and go dancing." "They would hang around people who drank and did drugs" "They didn't do drugs, but they drank at clubs." "And he wouldn't partake in shit." "They called their little group "Project falcon,"" "which is a little gay, but..." "They'd be like "We like to go to clubs" ""and act a fool and shit like that and dance and mack on girls." ""But we just don't need to drink to do it and shit."" "They all moved in together." "When he finally moved out of my house, he moved in with those dudes." "They called it the falcons' Nest." "A little gay." "But anyway, we're talking to him one month out of rehab," "I was like, "So how do you feel, dude?" "It's been one month." "What's it been like for you?"" "He's like, "It's been pretty-- it's been pretty good."" ""I feel okay." "It doesn't seem to affect me." ""I was afraid I'd come out of rehab and wouldn't do things I used to." ""But I do, I just don't do drugs, and I don't drink." ""I can still hang out with my friends." "And since they're clean, it all works out and shit."" "I said, "How is it with you and the girls?"" ""Because I imagine girls are drinking, and you fucking kiss girls," ""and they've had booze on their fucking breath." ""Do you get a taste for it?" "And you're Iike" ""Like the shark in Finding Nemo?"" "So he's like, "No, it's like, basically, I kiss them." ""Sometimes I taste booze in their mouth." ""It doesn't make me want to eat their head or something." ""But it doesn't make me want to drink or anything."" "I was like, "How is the girl situation?" ""How you been doing in that department since you got out?"" "He's like, "That's where I'm having a bit of a problem."" "I was like, "It's tough getting back in the saddle, right?"" "He's like, "The opposite, dude."" "I was like, "What do you mean?"" "He's like, "I've been out for 30 days, I've had sex with 28 different girls."" "Damn!" "I was like, "Get the fuck out of here, man!" "How is that fucking possible?"" "He's just like, "I don't know." "Chicks just dig the Mewes, man."" "But there was a time in his life where he was not the guy." "He was the guy who didn't know how to fuck broads, and didn't fuck any chicks at all." "And I would tell him about my limited experiences and stories, and he would be like, "God damn it." "You got the moves, man."" "Like I knew what I was doing." "Years later, he put me to shame with his fucking numbers." "I got a few notches on my bedpost." "He's got no more bedpost, it's whittled down from fucking multiple notches." "It's real weird because he gets tight when you talk about it." "Now he's in a relationship." "Mewes has been dating this girl Jordan for a while now." "And he's Iike-- he might as well be married and shit." "called him up when he moved into his new apartment last year." "I said "Dude, we're doing a signing at the store." "You coming down?"" "He's like, "I can't." I was like, "Why not?"" "He's like, "I'm waiting on a stove delivery."" "And I just flashed to that dude, you know, that I've known for 16 fucking years." "Last thing in the world" "I thought would ever come out of his mouth." "WouIdn't have been nearly a surprise if he was like," ""Moves, I just want to suck your dick just once."" "I would have been like, "That makes sense to me."" "Hearing that dude go "I'm waiting on a stove delivery."" "Never in a fucking million years did I expect to hear that from him." "So he's pretty fucking married now." "So when you talk about his fucking numbers, he's like, "Dude, just don't talk about that" ""because it makes me look like a slut."" "And I was like, "And?"" ""That's what you was, sir."" "He's like, "Not anymore." "Now, I'm good."" "I was like, "Right on."" "But that's why he used to call me "Moves."" " Thank you." " Thank you, sir." "[applause]" "My question is if you could ever do a remake of a movie, what movie would it be, and why?" "I don't think I'm that guy." "There's one that I thought about." "Not redoing it myself, but I thought that" "Man For All Seasons is one of my favorite movies." "It was made in the '60s, and not a Iot of people have seen it." "One of the best movies ever made." "It won an Oscar, Best Picture." "But a Iot of people aren't familiar with it." "Now, there's such a stellar pool of British acting talent that's worId-renowned, that everybody knows and recognizes," "I always thought, Wow, it'd be cool to remake that movie now with a bunch of British actors and stuff." "But why bother?" "The first one was fucking great." "paul ScofieId is brilliant in that movie." "Robert Shaw is brilliant as Henry VIII." "Why bother?" "The only reason to do it is to get people to take another look at that play." "But they could always just read the play." "It's a tough call." "There's one-haIf of the equation where I Iook at the Man For All Seasons thing, and that'd be kind of interesting." "alan Rickman as fucking Thomas More." "How pimp is that, man?" "You get Tim Roth or Gary oldman as the young Henry VIII." "And you get helen Mirren as alice, his wife." "Not King Henry's wife, but Thomas More's wife." "could be a pimp film, but first off, they wouldn't let me make that movie." "You get in the room." "I mean alan Rickman might vouch for me, but he'd be like," ""He loves to do butt-fucking jokes." "You'II have to excuse him."" "That's my alan Rickman." "He does that a Iot." "But no, nothing that I want to see-- that I want to remake." "But I'II go watch remakes of movies, totally." "That's why I Iike sequels and shit." "I Ioved doing Die Hard, I Ioved being in it." "But I Iove seeing Die Hard, even if somebody else had played that part." "I'm like, "John McCIane's back." "That's fucking awesome."" " [applause]" " totally." "I would watch" " I would watch a movie every year with John McCIane in it." "Just because I Iike that character, man, they keep bringing characters back." "Even when they made Batman  Robin and everyone was like, "This sucks!" "And everyone's skating around." "It's gay"." "I'm like, "It's fucking Batman, dude!"" "Like, if this is as good as it gets, fine." "At least I get to see some dude in fucking ears and shit, even if he whips out the Bat Credit Card," "like I'm" " I'm fucking there for it and shit." "Superman, you know, when they announced Superman Returns," "I was fucking all up in it and shit." "I was like, "Guy who made X-Men is going to make Superman?"" "That's fucking brilliant." "I'm there with fucking bells on and shit." "You know, if somebody had told in the beginning of the summer, that summer when the movie came out, that you're going to like X-Men 3 better than Superman Returns," "I'd be like, "You're out of your fucking mind, dude!"" "Come on, Ratner versus fucking Singer." "Singer all the way." "And I saw both movies, and I'm like," ""Brett Ratner is a fucking genius, because..."" "Superman Returns was fucking boring, man." "It was a really boring movie." "And I'm not" "And I'm not, Iike, talking to some dude who's like, "I'm better than Bryan Singer."" "Look, Bryan Singer is a better filmmaker than me." "Fucking throw a rock, you'II hit a better filmmaker than me, but that movie was fucking boring, I don't care." "Bryan Singer is a very talented man, but he made a very fucking boring movie." "And I can salute him to the degree that, you know, he obviously got to make the exact fucking version of a Superman movie, he wanted to do." "He had built up enough credibility with X-Men 2." "They fucking fired, 200, 250 million dollar budget at him." "And he's like, "Fuck it, I'm going to make the art house version of Superman"." "The whiny, emo Superman movie." "You know, where nobody" "Superman doesn't throw a single fucking punch." "Like you're going to sit there." "Remember the first movie, where you would believe a man can fly." "This movie is going to be" ""You won't believe how fucking boring this man is."" "It was fucking astounding to me." "I was like, I couldn't fucking believe it because I remember reading like, he's dovetaiIing off of Superman 2." "Like he's honoring the Donner versions of Superman." "So Superman 1 and Superman 2, which Donner didn't direct but kind of directed because a Iot of the stuff was in his version of Superman, that he was going to do." "So I was like, "That's fucking genius, man!"" "So the reference to Kryptonian criminals, it'II be kind of set in that world." "and yeah, it won't be Christopher Reeve and Margot Kidder anymore, but, I mean, the guy they got to play Superman" "looked just like Christopher Reeve, except, you know, he wasn't in a wheelchair and shit." "[audience groans] [scattered applause]" "Why" " Why is that boo?" "I wasn't mocking him." "Is that dude in a wheelchair or not?" "I rest my fucking case." "He's dead." "Six feet under!" "Oh, that's right." "I forgot about that part." "Because in my heart," "Christopher Reeve's still alive." "[audience members] Whoo!" "He did, he looked just like Christopher Reeve, minus the wheelchair or the casket, whatever." "But he looked like him." "My point is he fucking looked like him." "Stop booing." "What am I, MuIder?" "You're like "Ooh."" "I thought it was going to be awesome, man, and then I saw it, and I was like," ""This is fucking eight kinds of not awesome"." "Just wait and everyone was just like," ""Oh, wait till he fucking saves the shuttle, the shuttle scene is brilliant and shit."" "It was all right, but it wasn't-- it wasn't all that." "It was just, I had big problems with that movie." "Aside from being bored, it was just like, you could drive fucking plot hoIes-- trucks through the plot holes in that movie." "it just didn't make sense, and yet Lex Luthor-- yet again, brilliant criminal mind-- it was just like, "I got a real estate scam," you know." "It was like some Midwestern huckster, which I guess he kind of is, because SmaIIviIIe's supposed to be in what, Kansas?" "So he is in the Midwest." "And he is a huckster." "well, I guess they were right." "But come on, dude." "Like yet again, another real estate scam." "Superman 1, 2 and Superman Returns, the dude is always just like, "Land!"" "You know, it's like, Lex Luthor in the comics is much more pimp than that." "More sinister." "But the thing that bugged the fuck out of me about the movie is they made a very big deal about connecting it to Superman 2." "Like, presumably, the chronology of the movie goes" "Superman beats Zod, you know, and his compatriots." "and then takes off, you know, not immediately after." "but takes off into space to go look for other Kryptonians." "That's what we learn in Superman Returns." "End of Superman 2, he kisses Lois Lane, and she forgets everything that happened, which is fucked up because Superman doesn't really have that superpower in the comics." "But if you try arguing that with people, they're like, "Hey, dude, Superman doesn't exist and... any of the superpowers he has in the comics don't happen in real life, either."" "For some reason, you can make a better argument about, Iike," ""A dude can do this and take off into the air"" "than a dude kissing somebody and making them forget everything and shit." "Like, one seems logical to me, the others seems stupid." "And you talked to other people, they're like," ""They're both stupid, you idiot," like..." "It's all just made-up bullshit." "But, so anyway, he kisses Lois, she forgets about everything that happened." "and then, you know, he walks away, and she goes," ""Jimmy, what's happening in the world?"" "You know, and everyone's looking at her, Iike "What are you, fucking stupid?" "Superman just" " You want to care to step outside, general?" "He just fought the fucking Kryptonian criminals and put them down and shit"." "So, after that, as we learn in Superman Returns, he took off and went into deep space" "looking for anything left of Krypton or any other Kryptonians and shit because, presumably, he feels lonely." "He is the only one of his kind and shit." "He comes back in Superman Returns." "You know, tells his mom what he was doing and shit," "like she didn't already know." "And, you know, we learn that he couldn't find anybody else out there, and he's by himself and he's lonely, and that leads to the fucking whiny, emo Superman that we see through most of the movie." "Where he's just like, "Nobody understands me."" ""I'm just going to hang out outside Lois' window and look"." "Which was kind of creepy." "But anyway..." "Lois Lane, PuIitzer Prize-winning journalist, okay?" "I'II go with the fact that she can't differentiate between this and this." "I'II let that ride because I've been reading comics for years, and I'm like, "Right on, man, the fucking glasses."" "She just can't see." "She can't believe that clark Kent would be Superman and shit." "So the glasses she's just stupid over." "I'II go with that." "What I have a hard time going with is" "PuIitzer Prize-winning Lois Lane has a kid and doesn't know who the father is, even when the kid pitches a piano across the fucking room." "Which he does in that movie." "And you're led to believe that it's the first time he's ever done it, because she has this reaction on her face like," ""Did he just throw a piano at somebody?"" ""Like, maybe this kid is Superman's kid"." "Like she has this dawning, you know, face-- expression on her and whatnot." "So Superman gets the crap beat out of him on a rock island and shit." "And then fucking faIIs in the ocean, and then he's sick and in the hospital, which is fucking dumb anyway." "So he's laid up in the hospital, and Lois Lane comes in to see him in a very poignant scene and whatnot, and crawls onto the bed with him and whispers something to him that we can't hear" "but you're lead to believe is" ""You're not alone." "You have a child." ""My child is your child," ""and so obviously there is a Kryptonian like you." "he's haIf-human, haIf-Kryptonian, but you're not alone, Superman"." "And then he gets peppy again and gets out of his fucking bed and starts whipping around the world and smiling and waving at the camera and taking off again." "You know, and everything's back to the way it was in the Donner universe of Superman movies and shit." "And what bugged me about that is why didn't Lois Lane march into the hospital room and be like, "When did you rape me, Superman?"" ""Because I just saw my kid "pitch a piano across the fucking room," ""and it makes me think your part kid" ""my kid is part your kid and part my kid," ""but I don't remember us fucking ever." ""So when did that happen?" "Did you slip me his fucking super-roofie or something?" "Because--"" ""I would have remembered something like that unless you truly are faster than a speeding bullet."" ""And I'm pressing charges." "I'm filing charges because you raped me and I hate you now," you know." "So, you know, that was a movie where I was stoked to see a sequel slash remake, but didn't quite pan out for me." "hopefully the next one is fucking brilliant." "And I saw an interview where Bryan Singer gave, where he was like, "The next Superman movie is going to be total Wrath of Khan. "" "Which is great terminology, you know, for those of us who are familiar with the Star Trek movies, and I'm sure that's a Iot of us." "Because the Superman sequel is to Wrath of Khan as Superman Returns is to Star Trek The Motion Picture because Wrath of Khan is a brilliant fucking pimp movie that you can even sit a non-Trek fan down to watch and they're like, "This is bad-ass!"" "Star Trek The Motion Picture is so fucking boring." "It is, Iike, half an hour, 45 minutes of glory shots of the Enterprise." "That's it." "Like because it's the first time they made a big-budget version of it, and they always had a little model on strings and shit." "And said, Iike, "We're going to show shit off."" "And it's just nothing but a neverending series of-- [imitating soundtrack music]" "[continues]" "Just constantly pimping shit and you're like," "would you fucking shoot a klingon or do something, man?" "This is fucking boring." "So Superman Returns is to Star Trek The Motion Picture as the Superman Returns sequel, I assume, will be to Wrath of Khan, which means hopefully Superman will get to punch somebody." "which means hopefully Superman will get to punch somebody." "[Man] And what do you think of the Escape From New York remake they're doing?" "Doesn't that" " The Escape From New York thing just seems too soon to me." "Like, I was talking to Len Wiseman, the guy that did Die Hard 4, and he was like, "They asked me to direct Escape From New York, "" "he's like, "I just don't want to be known as the sequel remake guy."" "I'm like, "plus, it's just too soon, man."" "Like, "You pop that movie in, it's still watchable."" "You don't sit there going, Iike, "Ugh!" "This was made in the fucking '50s" and shit like that." "You know, it's like, this was made," "I mean, granted, when I was a kid, and some people here probably weren't born." "but still, you can pop it in and watch it, and it doesn't-- since it was a quasi-futuristic movie, you're not sitting there watching people wearing parachute pants and going "What the fuck is that?" you know?" "I don't know." "Just to me, it didn't seem like a movie that fucking merited remaking by any stretch of the imagination." "But who knows?" "I mean," "I thought about Dawn of the Dead the same way." "When they announced they were remaking Dawn of the Dead," "I was like, "What a terrible idea," "Dawn of the Dead is a brilliant movie."" "And Zach Snyder made a pimp fucking version of Dawn of the Dead." "So" "So it all depends whose hands it faIIs into." "Maybe it'II fall into very talented hands, and you're going to be like," ""This is a genius fucking duplicate version of Escape From New York. "" "[Man] But no angerment over not Kurt russell in that?" "I don't know." "That doesn't bother me." " And he's mad about it?" " Yeah." "He just got to be in a Quentin Tarantino movie." "He should be happy." "Fuck him!" "I don't know, especially having played the character twice-- if somebody-- 30 years down the road, if somebody was like," ""Somebody else is going to play silent Bob,"" "I wouldn't be like, "What?" "No." "That's my role." "I'm coming."" "It would be like when they were making the Batman movie, and Adam West was kind of trying to be in it, and people were like, "Come on, dude." ""We're going a different way altogether." ""plus, you're in your 50s by now." "Let it ride."" "It wouldn't bother me at all if they tried to recast silent Bob." "So I don't know why he's pissed about the Snake PIissken thing." "How many times can he do it?" "especially after fucking Escape From L.A., which was fucking terrible." "You didn't like Escape From L.A. ?" "When he's surfing at one point?" "Yipes." "Took everything we knew about Snake PIissken and fucking made a joke of it." "John McCIane surfed on a truck." "John McCIane surfing on a plane is believable to me." "I bought that." "I remember reading that script, going" "I stopped on that page, and I was like "John McCIane on the wing of a jet of a plane." "No, I'II go with it."" "It was a weird" " It was weird being in the room with that dude, too." "I wasn't there when he was doing this on the plane, but that was fucking pimp." "That was actually a pimp experience because some cats asked me how-- how I got in the movie, and I'm like, "honestly, I don't--"" "You know what it was?" "An Evening with Kevin Smith has been the best audition tape I ever made in my Iife, because after An Evening with Kevin Smith," "I started getting offers for, Iike, Catch and Release and Die Hard all came off of that because" "The reason I got into Catch and Release is because Susannah Grant saw An Evening with Kevin Smith and was just like, "I think you have" ""a wonderfully human side to you" ""that people don't often see as the mute character you normally play."" "So I was like, "Right on."" "And Deb AquiIa cast that movie, so she cast Die Hard as well, and she was like "Hey, we got a small role for a dude who just hangs out in his house" ""and he's on the computer all the time and he's a little overweight and doesn't really go out."" "I'm like, "Just bring the camera to my house because..."" "Because let me tell you, there ain't going to be any acting involved." "We went in, met with Len Wiseman, who's a cool guy, and we bonded over Ain't It cool News." "He's like, "They hate me there." I was like, "They hate me there, too."" "They hate everybody there, except for Fincher." "You know, they seemed to like Fincher until he made Zodiac, and then they're like, "Fucking Zodiac's boring."" "Like, dude, you can't win with AICN and the talkbacks." "They just hate." "That's their fucking reason for being." "So we bonded over that, then I gave a reading." "And it was a fine reading." "It wasn't very good." "But what I did was they sent me pages-- sides, they call them-- from the script, and you're supposed to come in with those memorized." "And the sides were kind of weak." "It was just kind of really bad, almost Iike" "I was almost like Potsie from Happy Days." "That was the writer's idea of a nerd, was just like, "Gee shucks, Mr. McCIane," you know." "So I was just like, "I think I can do better than this."" "So I took them, and I rewrote the lines." "[laughter]" "Because fuck it, I didn't think I was going to get the job anyway." "So I'm like, "If I'm going to go in there," "I'm not going to embarrass myself with this shit on the page,"" "also I'm not a talented actor." "An actor can take shit that's written on the page, deliver it exactly as it's written on the page, and make you fucking believe it." "You sit there going, Iike, "Oh my God, this is happening right now, this shit's real."" "clint Eastwood really hangs out with a monkey." "Like it's" "But I'm not a good actor." "You know, because I can't take the words as written and fucking say them and have them sound real." "They sound stilted and fake coming out of my mouth." "So I just change it up and just put it in my own parlance, if you will." "My own patois." "And it sounds a little more believable and shit, but that's not true acting." "When I was doing Catch and Release," "Tim OIyphant would make fun of me for doing that all the time." ""Tim OIyphantastic" as we call him." "He would just fucking berate me all the time." "I Iike Tim." "Tim was a good cat, but he's a very odd guy." "I had a real weird relationship with him." "Because I liked him in Go, and I liked him in... there's a couple of movies I saw him in." "I thought he was kind of pimp and shit." "And we met, I met him on the set and we got along really well." "But every once in a while he would just, Iike, take these shots at me and shit, where I was like, "What am I?" "In fucking sophomore year" ""and you're the fucking jock," ""and I'm the fucking fat dude in school," ""and you're going to use me as a target when other people are around, but when nobody's around, we're friends?"" "Which is kind of revealing about my childhood, the more I think about it." "But he would just take weird shots." "I think it might have had something to do with-- my character was easily likable." "I was the fat comic relief in that movie." "I had all the jokes, so the studio liked the dailies." "And the studio was kind of coming down on weird shit about Tim, Iike "We hate his hair."" "They really concentrate on the male lead because that's what's going up on the trailer, on the poster, and Garner's perfect." "And so they go over to this guy and this dude's-- they're trying to pick him apart and be like," ""Change his hair, he's coming across too gruff, he's not strong romantically."" "Whatever." "AII the criticism he was kind of hearing." "I wasn't hearing shit because "He's doing exactly what we need him to be-- fat and funny."" "So, I guess there was a bit of that, but fucking every once in a while," "Tim would just kinda come out of nowhere and remind me that I wasn't an actor." "There's a scene in Catch and Release where me and Sam Jaeger, who plays Dennis, are in the back lot of our house, flyfishing, you know, casting our rods." "And I've had a few drinks or something like that." "And he kind of reminds me of that, and we have a painful discussion, a discussion that becomes kind of painful for him." "Maybe it was painful for the audience as well." "But he takes my pole away." "And he goes, "You know what?" "You've had too much."" ""I guess the best defense is a good offense"" "or something like that." "But it just didn't sound right coming out of my mouth, so I just changed it up a little bit." "And so he takes my pole away from me, and he's like, "You've had a little too much."" "And I said instead, "Oh, so that's your big move." ""You're just going to take my pole like that?" "I guess the best defense is a good offense."" "And so Suzannah says, "Cut."" "Tim is standing on the porch of the house that's right next to the back alley." "And he just gives the old golf clap." "And I Iook over." "And he's just like, "Wow!" coming down the steps, owning the moment because Tim likes to control the room in a big, bad way." "If everyone's not fucking focused on OIyphantastic, you know, he'II get them there and then you're all like," ""Why are we listening to this dude?"" "But anyway, he's making a big show about coming down the stairs." "He's like, "That is acting." ""AII this time I didn't know." "You've defined it for me, Kevin Smith."" "He goes, "Acting is the subtle art of saying out loud what just happened."" "So Sam takes your pole, and you say," ""So you're just going to take my pole."" ""That's brilliant," you know." "And some of the crew was like "Ya ha ha ha."" "And, not to be outdone, I was just like," ""You know what, Tim?" "You're right." ""You know who I Iove in Deadwood?" "Ian McShane."" "So I'm not an actor by any stretch of the imagination." "So when they hand me the Die Hard pages and they say, "Come in and read this,"" "I just can't read it because I'm like, "Nobody sounds like this." ""Or if they do, I can't pull it off." ""You guys should get the guy who played UrkeI" ""because he's good at doing this nerd shit." "So I'm going to fucking rewrite it."" "And so I brought in a new set of pages, and I gave Deb and Len a set of pages." "I was like, "Here are the new lines."" "True story." "I was like," ""You just pick up from here and I've got mine memorized."" "And Len is looking at Deborah AquiIa like," ""Did he just bring us a rewrite?" "I thought you said he was cool."" "And she is just like, "Just wait."" "So we ran through it, and, you know," "I wasn't particularly good, but then Len and I sat around talking for two hours afterwards, just shooting the shit, because he's a real nice guy and possibly pretty." "One of these dudes that's a director, and he's a very successful director, and he's good-Iooking, and you're like, "Fuck!"" "It just helps when directors are ugly because you're like," ""Yeah, but we're talented."" "So, never thought about it." "Two months, I figured they'd cast it, that was it." "Got a call two months later, and they're like," ""Okay, so here are your dates for Die Hard, "" "and I'm like, "I got the part?" "They're like, "Yeah."" "And I was like, "How the fuck did that happen?" "They're like, "I don't know." Deb was like, "I was there." "I don't know why you got the part."" "She's like, "But here's where you're shooting." "So yeah, come on out."" "So I went out to shoot Die Hard, and the beautiful thing was they were shooting right around the hill from me." "I Iive in the hollywood hills and-- now I do-- and universal Studios was where they were shooting, even though it's not a universal film." "Quick five, ten-minute ride from my house." "And they were very, you know, fucking insistent." ""You have to be here at 7 a.m. 7 a.m. is your call time." "We'II get you done in a day and get you out of here." "Shoot all the warlock scene and shit." "So I was like, "Dope."" "So I was there, fucking first time in my Iife ever early for anything." "I was there at 6:45 because I was like," ""I'm ready for Die Hard, " you know." "So I meet the producer, one of the-- the producer on the movie." "He's like, "How are you doing?" "Thanks for doing this."" "I'm like, "Thanks for having me." "This is fucking pimp, this is awesome."" "And he was Iike" " I was like, "How are we doing?" "Are we going to get ready to start soon?"" "And he's like, "well, you'II find that this movie" ""kind of works on a different time schedule than most." ""I know you make movies," ""but we kind of move at a different pace, different clock." "We call it BWT."" "And I was like, "Right on." "Is that Bruce willis time?"" ""Yes, Bruce willis Time." ""So we'II start when Bruce is here." ""But in the meantime, why don't you go over to Makeup, start getting your make-up done?"" "I said, "Right on."" "I go over to Makeup, Justin Long comes in." "I meet him, and he's a cool cat." "We just kept talking, get to talking right away and we have an instant kinship and whatnot." "friendly, funny fucking guy, and we start going over our dialogue." "The dialogue thing was really strange because when I got there, there's a set of sides, you know, in my trailer." "And I go to the sides to start going over my lines and shit." "And I'm like, "These lines seem really fucking familiar."" "And I realize, it was all the shit that I had said in audition." "Had just become the sides." "And then I was like, "Oh, I get it." ""I got the job because they liked my rewrite." "but didn't want to pay me for the rewrite."" "suddenly, shit started getting clearer, you know." "So I meet with Justin and shit, and he's just like," ""Did you see the new sides?"" "He's going, "We get new sides here every day, but this is the first time these sides are actually pretty funny."" "I was like, "They are, aren't they?"" "So we start going over our lines and shit." "And all of a sudden, the hush fucking faIIs over the room, and Bruce willis enters the fucking trailer." "Just pimps into the fucking trailer." "He's like, "Good morning, Die Hard-ers." "Who's ready to live free or die hard?"" "And if I couId have fucked a man ever, it wouId have been him in that moment." "He was just everything you wanted him to be, man." "He just knows how to fucking be Bruce willis." "He is Bruce willis, but he knows how to be Bruce willis, right?" "immediately comes over after those words fail out of his mouth." "He's like, "Mr. Smith, excellent to meet you." "Thank you for doing this."" "I'm like, "Thanks for having me, man." "This is fucking awesome."" "He's like, "Let me ask you a question." ""Why do they call Lindsay Lohan 'Fire Bush'?"" "And I was like, "I'm not sure." "I guess she's got red hair, so maybe that's why they--"" "He's like, "I wasn't talking to you." "I was talking to him." "Justin was like, "I was in Herbie. "" "And I was like, "Oh, yeah." "Sorry."" "And I was like, "Fuck!" "I fucked up in front of Bruce willis!"" "I assumed he was asking me about Lindsay Lohan's bush, but he was asking somebody that knows Lindsay Lohan." "Like fucking, I'm an idiot!" "Justin was like, "I don't know." "Red hair, Iike what he said."" "And he was like, "AII right." "I was just wondering." "I read that." "It's fucked up."" "Anyway, see you guys on the set, men."" "So we go through the rest of hair, make-up, and wardrobe." "Me and Justin are running our lines and shit, and two hours later, they finally call us to the set to do what's known as a "blocking rehearsal."" "That's where you and the other people in the cast stand around and figure out where you're going to stand in the scene, not so much-- they use it for running dialogue, but on big movies," "they don't care about rehearsal." "They just expect everyone shows up, knows what they're doing professionally as an actor or performer and just fucking goes right into their trade and shit." "Me, on my flicks, we rehearse for, Iike, a month and change, make sure everyone knows the dialogue before they show up on the set." "So we go over to the stage." "simple scene." "Three dudes taIking" "Bruce willis, Justin Long, myself." "I see Len Wiseman for the first time since I met him months ago, and the dude who was just spry and wide-eyed and fucking fresh as a daisy and was like, "I'm getting to make Die Hardl" "I Iove Die Hardl"" "Just slumped in a director's chair." "If he would have had a fucking cigarette in his mouth, it wouId have been dangling from his fucking lips, just fucking barely alive." "Looked like he had just come out of fucking 'Nam and he had a necklace of human ears around him." "Just like, "I've been in the shit, man."" "And I was like charlie Sheen in Platoon, ready to fucking take on the Vietcong, and he was either fucking Tom Berenger or WiIIem Dafoe." "I wasn't quite sure." "But he's like, "I've see it all, motherfucker." "Heads explode like grapefruits."" "You know, just" "He'd been making Die Hard for a little while at that point, so I was like, "How are you feeling?"" "He was like, "How do I Iook?"" "I was like, "You look good." "You look good." "Everything looks good."" "He's like, "I've got a peptic ulcer."" "I was like, "really?" "Have you always had an uIceritic condition?"" ""First time." "Just diagnosed."" "We start the rehearsal." "A blocking rehearsal shouIdn't take more than the length of any scene." "You got a five-page scene-- five-minute blocking rehearsal." "Maybe you run it again once for, Iike" "I tend to run a private scene, and then I tend to run a-- you know, for just me and the actors-- and then I bring in the cast and crew and shit, and run the scene again so everyone" "all the keys can see where people are going to be standing, what's going to be needed and shit like that." "This scene was ten pages, max." "So you're talking about a ten-minute blocking rehearsal." "And really, we probably wouldn't run the whole scene because they don't tend to do that." "It's just about where we're going to be when shit begins." "And Len is kind of getting his energy back because I keep joking with him, and he's kind of springing back to life." "He's like, "Let me show you what I did." ""I got you a chair, a gaming chair." "And I picked this chair out myself."" "'Cause Len used to be in props and set design before he became a filmmaker, so the look of things is very important to the dude." "He's like, "I got this chair." "It's a gamer's chair." ""It's, Iike, the best one ever fucking made." "Look at it." "Doesn't it look" "like the fucking captain's chair on Star Trek?" ""It's pimp." "It's just awesome." "And this is where you sit the whole time."" "And I was like, "really?" "The whole scene I'm sitting here?"" "He's like, "You don't fucking move because you're the warlock." ""Why would the warlock get up?" ""You don't want these people in your fucking house." ""They just showed up and shit." ""So you sit here, and fucking everything happens" ""because I'm going to come in with a shot on you Iike this," ""come up and reveal your face." "That's why I picked out the chair." "It's awesome."" "And I was like, "Right on, dude." "You're the director." "Anything you say."" "So Bruce comes over, Justin comes over." "He's like, "You ready to rock this?"" "And Len's like, "Yeah." "Let's do a rehearsal."" "So Bruce comes from the upstairs part of the basement." "He comes in with the character that plays my mother." "A lovely woman from baltimore." "She's like, "Freddy, your fucking friends are here."" "And I'm like, "Aw, Mom, blah, blah, blah."" "They come down the stairs." "First, Bruce is washing his hands." "Justin comes to me." "I'm sitting in my chair." "It was kind of awkward yelling over my shoulder at her." "But the way he wanted to shoot it, it wouldn't have mattered." "He would have held me in the foreground, her in the background." "So we run the scene, and Justin's standing in front of me, talking down to me and I'm talking up at him." "Bruce comes from the second platform." "Then he comes over, and he's Iike" "Why would McCIane come to this guy?" "And I didn't want to say anything." "But Len gets up, and he's just like," ""well, because this is his place," ""so I Iike him in this chair." "We've got all my shots designed around this chair."" "And he's like, "Len, Len." "It doesn't make sense, okay?" ""I'm a cop, he's a criminal." "Why would I go to him?"" "And I'm like, "I'm not really a criminal, am I?" "I just thought I was a hacker."" "And Len's like, "A hacker is a criminal."" "He's like, "It makes no sense." ""John McCIane doesn't walk up to this guy." ""also, we're coming in his house." "Don't you think he'd get up out of the chair?"" "Which kind of made sense." "He's like, "I'm not going to walk around" ""and talk to this guy." ""Make me his focus, 'cause otherwise I'm coming to him, hat in hand, and I just want him to kind of come to me, and that makes more sense and shit." "And Len's, Iike, "Yeah, but all my shots are designed around the chair."" "And Bruce is like, "well, you know what, Len?" ""You're the director, and so it's your movie," ""and you do what you're gonna do," ""but I just don't think it's smart." ""I think it's kind of dumb." ""But I'II do whatever you want me to do" ""because you're the director, Len." "But it just doesn't seem very bright."" "So what should be a 10-minute blocking discussion" "Launches into a 20-minute discussion about whether or not I should get up from the chair." "At which point, finally the director in me kicks in, where I'm just, Iike," ""We just have to find a solution to this problem so we can move forward with the next step." "So I was like, "You know what?" "It doesn't matter, dude." ""I'II totally get up." "Like, if it speeds things along." "Let's just figure out the rest of the dialogue," "let's put the dialogue up on its feet, and see what it sounds like."" "And he was like, "Yeah, okay, Iet's do that."" "So we start the scene again." "They come in." "I get up out of my chair." "He comes down." "Justin comes down." "We start arguing and shit." "Bruce comes down, he's like, "Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho." ""What's all the Myspace jokes in the script all of a sudden?" "Where'd this all come from?" "I was like, "I don't know."" "He's like, "This is" " The world's ending as far as we know, man." ""Thomas gabriel has got us up on the ropes," ""and we're going into the third act," ""and it makes no sense that we stop and start telling jokes" ""about Myspace and Goth chicks, and it's just corny, man." ""Like, this is Die Hard." "We gotta keep it Die Hard." "Die Hard's not funny."" "And I'm like, Die Hard was really funny." "But I don't want to say that because he's on a roll." "He's like, "We gotta keep it tough, man." ""Like, I don't want to become jokey and shit like that." ""We're sitting here, making a Iot of jokes," ""when we should be moving the plot forward" ""and trying to figure out who the fuck Thomas gabriel is 'cause we've never had that moment."" "He's like, "Here's the problem, Kev." ""We've been shooting this movie for three months." ""Every time we have a problem on the movie," ""every time we hit a plot hole, something that doesn't make sense," ""all we've been saying is" ""'You know what?" "We'II put it in the warlock scene" ""'because this is our big expositionaI scene" ""'where we talk about shit" ""'and reveal the villain's motives and shit like that," ""'and handle a bunch of things that we haven't handled" ""because we've been blowing shit up and whatnot'." ""So we've been doing this for three months," ""talking about we'II just dump it in the warlock scene." ""We get here on the day of the warlock scene," ""and nobody has written any of these things into the movie." ""And I give a shit because I'm the producer of Die Hard," ""and, by the way, I'm the only person" ""who's been involved in all four Die Hards," ""so I'm trying to be the gatekeeper of the mythology of Die Hard, and I think it's very important--"" "And he's just talking, talking, talking." "And the whole time, I'm just thinking," ""That's David fucking Addison, man."" "Like, that's-- [applause]" "Motherfuck John McCIane." "David Addison is trying to explain the process of filmmaking to me, and I'm like, "This is awesome!"" "He can say anything he wants, man." "Like, this is fantastic." "Bruce willis is talking to me." "And it's kind of processing." "I'm hearing what he's saying and all the plot points that they haven't touched on, how they have to really set up what a bad-ass fucking Thomas gabriel is in the movie, and his history, which they haven't touched on." "This discussion goes on for 45 minutes." "A blocking rehearsal that should've been 10 minutes, we're now in minute 50, 55, or something like that." "So finally I step up, and I'm like," ""Look, if you guys give me 20 minutes and a laptop," ""I will figure out all the fucking problems" ""that we need to figure out." ""I understand what we need to say about Thomas gabriel." ""Just fucking get me a laptop, man, and we'II make it happen." "I swear."" "And he's just like, "You heard the kid, Len." "Get him a laptop."" "So we're standing outside the stage doors, and Bruce is like, "Here's the things" "I want to get across about Thomas gabriel, okay?" "Thomas gabriel, Joint Chiefs of Staff." ""I want you to use words like RAND Corporation." ""There's a bunch of shit" "Make him sound like a bad-ass." ""Right now nobody fucking knows" ""because Tim's playing him like a pussy." "So it'd be nice to--" And right then and there, as much as I Iove Bruce WiIIis" "I Ioved him even more, you know?" "I said, "Get out of here." "OIyphantastic?" "Fucking no."" "He's, Iike, "We just gotta build him up, you know?" "With Rickman, he came in like a bad-ass and whatnot." "And this time around, we just need a little more help, so I wanna tell a bit of a back story about him so that going in you feel like this dude's serious, and so these are the things I wanna hit." "Skip, go with him and help him out."" "Now, Skip is this dude who's been hanging around the set the whole time, and he's a little taller than me, but dude looks like a brick shithouse." "Just huge." "But not Iike a flabby brick shithouse." "He's fucking" " He's a brick" "No, he's a brick shithouse." "Not made of wood." "Just fucking rock solid." "He's got guns, huge fucking guns and shit." "Just big-time muscles, earrings in his ear and shit." "Dude looks like a customer you don't wanna fuck with, and I'm, Iike, that must be Bruce willis' bodyguard and shit." "So I start following Skip back to the trailer, and I'm like, "So if you're here with me, who's guarding Bruce?"" "And he's like, "I don't know, who guards Bruce normally?"" "And I was like, "Aren't you Bruce's bodyguard?"" "He's like, "No, I'm Bruce's writer."" "And I was like, "You're a writer?"" "I was like, "Dude, you could bench me."" "And he's like, "Where is it written" ""that you gotta be flabby and out of shape to be a writer?"" "I was like, "Touché, Skip."" "So I was like, "Dude, I didn't know you were the writer, man."" "He's like, "Don't worry." "I'm one of the writers." "There's at Ieast 20 of us."" "He's like, "You're one of 'em." "Did you see all your dialogue in there from the audition?"" "I said, "I saw that."" "He's like, "I watched your audition tape." ""Len said he wanted your performance" ""from the fucking audition tape," ""so I just transcribed everything you wrote, and now it's in the movie."" "I was like, "That's fucked up." "I wrote a movie."" "He's like, "I think you wrote seven."" "I was like, "excellent point, Skip."" "So I was like, "You don't mind me doing this?"" "He was, Iike, "No, shit man." "Rock it, dude." "That's easy." ""You wanna take my job for a while, that's great." "I get paid either way."" "So, you know, I sit down at the laptop, and I start writing and shit, and I'd pass it over to Skip." "He's, Iike, "That's kind of what he said." ""That makes sense." "I Iike this." "You might want to take that out."" ""Yeah, Iet's take that out." "What do you think?"" "He's going, "I'II tell you right now." "He ain't gonna like you calling him cue ball."" "I was, Iike, "really?" "I let him call me Ben and Jerry's and Dumptruck and shit."" "And he's, Iike, "It's okay for Bruce to make fun of you." ""You cannot make fun of Bruce." "particularly about the hair thing."" "And I was like, "AII right." "Look, I Iove Bruce willis."" "He was like, "We all do."" "So I'm writing." "WiIIis comes into the trailer and shit." "He's like, "What you got?"" "I was like, "Here, check it out,"" "and he was, Iike, "AII right, this is what I'm talking about." "Thomas gabriel sounds like a bad-ass." "He was going, "You should do this on every movie." ""Get hired, do a little part, rewrite the whole fucking thing." "Ha ha ha."" "Heh heh." "So he was like, "You might wanna make some trims on the speech 'cause he's going" ""You know, I want you to tell the story" ""about who Thomas gabriel is" ""because we're going to you for this information, but, you know, you got a page-Iong monologue here."" "And I was like, "Is it too long?"" "He's going, "It's an action movie, dude." "plus, you're not John McCIane."" "That's a good point, good point." "He was like, "Just trim it down." "I Iike it 'cause it's got that same emotion as, Iike, the indianapolis speech in Jaws. "" "I'm like, "Dude, it ain't that good."" "He's, Iike, "I didn't say it was that good." ""I said it's got the same type of emotion, type of vibe to it." ""But this is what I'm talking about." "Just finish it up, man, so we can get it over to the studio."" "So he leaves, and Len comes in, and fucking Skip's there." "I'm like, "Why do we have to give it to the studio?"" "He's like, "well, everything has to get approved by Fox." ""Everything has to go through the fucking heads of Fox because it's their franchise."" "I was like, "well, it's Bruce's franchise."" "Like, "Yeah, but Fox owns it." ""That's the reason it's PG-13," ""because they agreed to make the movie" ""only if it was PG-13 because they don't have a Iot of faith in the franchise because it's been a few years and shit like that."" "I was like, "This is PG-13?"" "They're like, "Didn't you notice nobody cursing?"" "And I was like, "I just thought they were being polite 'cause it's my first day."" "So I finish up, get the pages to Len." "Len's like, "This is great." ""I couId totally work with this." "totally great." "Give it to Bruce."" "Bruce is like, "This is what I'm talking about." ""Let's get this to the studio, get 'em to approve it so we can start shooting immediately."" "And that was about...noon, 1 :00, 'cause it was just about to be lunch." "Then lunch goes by, and nobody at the studio calls back 'cause you assume everyone's off eating lunch or whatever." "Then they don't call back at 2, 3, 4, 5." "Starts getting dark." "6:00, 7:00." "Nobody has fucking called from the studio." "And it's just like, what, don't they understand that this is a priority?" "Meantime, everyone else has just started having a barbecue." "Like, Bruce had his chef, Iike, whip up some chicken cutlets." "He's like, "Kev, you Iike chicken?" "My boy just cooked up some chicken." ""This is my own chef." "This is excellent chicken recipe." ""Take some chicken." "You're gonna like it." "Who wants chicken?" "Anybody want some Bruce willis chicken?"" ""pull up some chairs, man." "Let's pull up some grass." ""I got some grass in front of my trailer." ""You can hang out here." "Bring some chairs over." "Justin, sit down." "Let's all sit around and bullshit." "Let's talk."" "CongeniaI as fuck." "We're just having, Iike, hang out, sit down in front of Bruce willis' trailer and whatnot, buIIshitting about the movie biz, eating Bruce willis chicken." "I was like, "This is good chicken."" "He was like, "You know what I got for dessert?" ""Tasty Kake." "Got it sent from back home." "Had it sent." "You like Tasty Kake?"" "A big deal, because in Los angeles, on the West Coast, they don't have Tasty Kake." "I was like, "tell me you got some fucking butterscotch krimpets."" "He's, Iike, "Hoo, I got-- I got butterscotch krimpets," "I got jelly krimpets," "I got peanut butter candy kakes." "Anything you can shake a stick at."" "I'm like, "Bruce willis, I Iove you."" "And he's like, "I know, everyone loves Bruce willis."" "Sitting around, having a grand old time." "Len's looking better." "vitality coming back to his face and shit." "ulcer not bothering him." "Everyone's in a happy mood and shit." "Nothing getting done whatsoever." "Nothing getting done." "And finally the studio calls and shit, and they've got issues with the pages and whatnot." "And I hear from Len and Skip, and Len and Skip fill me in, and they're just like, "Studio's upset" ""because they think most of the humor has gone out of the scene," ""and they want the scene to be funny." ""It's a funny scene for them, and now it's all serious and shit."" "And I'm like, "Yeah, but Bruce wants to keep it Die Hard. "" "And he's like, "Yeah, but this is gonna be the battle" ""between Bruce and the studio." ""It's always a constant battle because Bruce, as he says," ""he's the fucking gate keeper of the Die Hard mythology," ""and the studio just wants to make" ""a commercial movie and whatnot." ""You know, Bruce is at odds because he's the only guy" ""that's been involved at every level" ""with every version of fucking Die Hard," ""and nobody else even working at the studio right now was even working at Fox" ""when they made any of the other Die Hards, so you're gonna see two mighty titans clashing and shit."" "So Bruce gets a call from the head of the studio on his cell phone and shit, and his assistant brings the phone over." "He says it's blah blah." "He's like, "AII right." "Hey, did you get 'em?" ""Yeah, but you don't understand, man." ""It's like, that other shit is too silly." ""What's Myspace?" "It's just too silly." ""This is important, man." ""It's leading into the third act." ""Because the world's ending." "Yeah, but nobody knows that." ""We know that, but the rest of the world, you know," ""the Washington Monument, Congress just blew up." ""As far as they know, the whole world's coming to an end," ""we're gonna sit around and make some jokes about goth girls?" ""Makes no sense." "What he wrote is fucking good." "Now it makes sense."" ""Uh-huh." "AII right." ""well, Iet me ask you a question." "Who's your second choice to play John McCIane?"" ""Okay, then." "Len, we're gonna shoot the pages, man."" "And I was like, "That is fucking dope."" "So the producer comes over." "He's like, "Len, it's 8:30 at night." "I've let most of the crew go." And Len's like, "You're right." ""You know, we should just start fresh in the morning with this whole thing, figure it out then."" "And he's, Iike, "You can come back, can't ya?"" "I was like, "Oh, shit, I wouldn't miss this for the fucking world." "Of course I can come back." He's, Iike, "Right on."" "So I go back to my trailer, collect my shit and whatnot." "Get a knock on the door." "Like, "Bruce wants to see you in his trailer."" ""Right on." Rocket over to his trailer, walk in." "There's Len, Bruce" " Bruce's assistant," "Skip, and" "What's his name?" "bill Wisher?" "The guy that wrote Terminator 2, with Jim Cameron, william Wisher." "At one point, he came in while I was doing rewrites and shit, and I recognized him." "This is bill Wisher, man." "This is the dude that wrote T2, okay?" "T2, one of the greatest action movies ever made and shit." "He walks in, I'm sitting there at a typewriter rewriting his shit, and I felt like bill Wisher caught me fucking his wife, you know?" "He's just" "And I was like, "Dude, you know what?" "I'm sorry I'm up in your kitchen."" "He's, Iike, "Oh, Kevin, there are," "like, 20 other writers on this movie." "It doesn't matter."" "I was like, "Right on."" "So bill Wisher's in the trailer and shit." "So I walk in." "We were just standing there." "He's still got his fucking makeup on." "bloody makeup and shit." "He's, Iike, "Kev, you a drinking man?"" "He's got a couple of Scotches, glass of Scotch." "I was, Iike, "No, I don't really drink."" "He's like, "I am."" "Sits down." "He's like, "AII right, so tomorrow the game plan is this." ""We go in, we shoot the pages," ""we shoot two versions of the speech," ""the Iong one you wrote" ""and an abbreviated version we can show the studio," ""and that's how we're gonna roll." ""And they can't say fuck to us anymore 'cause this just makes sense." "This is good." "We all agree this is good?"" "He's, Iike, "Yeah, yeah." Everyone's, Iike, "Yeah, yeah."" "He's, Iike, "AII right, then that's what we're gonna do." "You wanna see the Rocky premier tonight with me?"" "And I was, Iike, "What, me?"" "He was, Iike, "Yeah, me and Justin are going over to see the premier of Rocky." ""StaIIone, man." "You know, boxing and shit like that over at the Chinese." "A little old, but whatever, so am I." "You wanna go?" And I was like, "You know," "I would totally go, but I just have--"" "He's, Iike, "Don't worry about it." "I get it." "You don't wanna see Rocky. "" "I said, "No, I do want to see Rocky," ""and I'd really like to see Rocky with you," ""but I just, you know, I just got the kid to go to bed soon, and just--" He's like, "It's fine, man." ""I'II see you in the morning." "You did a good job today." "Thanks for coming on." "Okay."" "I Ieft, walking back to my car with Skip, and I was like, "We didn't do a fucking thing today, did we?" "We didn't" " Nothing was shot."" "And he was like, "well, I heard B unit shot some of the truck falling down the elevator shaft."" "But I was like, "But that's B unit." "A unit?"" "He was, "As you saw, we did absolutely nothing."" "I was like, "That is fucked up." "How much do you think it cost?"" "He was like, "I know exactly what it cost-- $375,000."" "I said, "Who told you?" "You just came up with that figure?"" "He was like, "Producer told me." "Like, that's what the average day costs," ""and that's a quiet day" ""because we're just sitting on a stage, just three guys talking." "should be easy, right?"" "And I was like, "It should." He was like, "Never is." "welcome to Die Hard." "See you tomorrow."" "So I go back the next day and shit." "This time I don't show up at 7 a.m." "because fuck it, nothing's going to happen on time." "No, I set my watch to a little BWT as well." "Get there, get into Wardrobe, get into Makeup and shit like that, go on stage to start blocking again." "Three minutes in, exact recap of the day before, except it doesn't have to do with where I'm standing." "He goes, "Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second." ""We're going to this guy," ""presuming he knows something about Thomas gabriel." ""He tells us everything about Thomas gabriel." ""If he knows, why isn't he trying to stop Thomas gabriel?" "Len, this makes no sense."" "And I finally get some nuts up, and I'm like, "That's what you told me to write yesterday."" "And he goes, "Me?" "No." "That must have come from the studio." "That doesn't make sense."" ""Oh, hold on." "Now I get it." ""Yeah." "well, of course." "That's what" ""He needs to know everything." "That's what I meant to say." ""He needs to know everything about Thomas gabriel" ""because that's why we're going to him for the information." ""basically, it's this word right here." ""It's the way this word kind of comes out." "You say, 'Because'," ""and it shouldn't be 'Because'." "It should be 'In spite of', I think." ""I think it's in the delivery." "You know what?" "You'II handle it when you actually perform it."" "And I was like, "If we ever get to perform it."" "So we finally get through a block of rehearsal" "We start-- We're about to start shooting." "You know, they're kind of giving us our tape marks and shit like that." "Doing last looks and whatnot." "Bruce comes over." "He's, Iike, "I just wanted to thank you for the work you did yesterday." ""I wanted to apologize for the way things have been running" ""'cause, you know, you're a director," ""and I respect your body of work immensely," ""so I understand that you're coming in here, this probably seems unprofessional."" "And I'm sitting there going, "You're such a great actor, Bruce willis," ""but you're not great enough to make me believe that you've actually seen a single one of my movies."" "Like, I know you've never seen anything I've ever done." "This dude's lying out his teeth." "He's never seen Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy." "He don't watch movies like that at all, but it was very sweet of him to say, Iike, "You know, you're a great director, and I respect your body of work." "I Iove all your movies." You know, he's just bullshittin' and shit like that." "I know he didn't see a single fucking one." "I couId've been, Iike, "AII right, dude, what's a stink palm?"" "He would've been, Iike, "What a--"" "So we roll the first fucking take, and finally there's some fucking film on the warlock scene in Live Free or Die Hard." "And once we start going, it fucking moves, 'cause like I said," "Len is rocking three fucking cameras on a dialogue scene, on three dudes sitting there, talking to each other." "Just" "Cameras doing all this shit, whatnot." "I'm like, "It's bugging me, Len." "Can you move it?"" "He's, Iike, "No." "That's the difference" ""between my movies and yours." ""This happens in mine." "Yours, pretty much this."" ""Um, and willis is just Iike" ""He likes having a guy who's in the scene who's also writing the scene" or something like that." "He's having a good ol' time with that, 'cause he'II come over to me, just like, "I wanna say something." ""I don't want to call you fat guy." "I want to come up with, Iike, different, Iike what else?" "What else could I call you?"" "And I was like, "You could call me Dairy Queen."" "He's like, "Dairy Queen." "That's funny." "What else?"" "I said, "Ben and Jerry's."" "He's, Iike, "Ben and Jerry's, man." "That's pretty funny."" "I was like, "Dump truck." He's like, "Dump truck."" "I was like, "You can call me Tubby, Lunch Box."" "He's like, "Lunch Box."" "Right then and there, I'm like," "I know this dude never saw one of my pictures." "So, you know, we get into the back and forth in this scene, and he loves whipping out his variations, man." "He's, fucking, Dairy Queen, Ben and Jerry's, fucking calling me all these names and shit like that." "Having maybe just a little bit of good time doing it." "little too good of a time, where I'm just like," "AII right, calm down, Bruce willis, 'cause this is really starting to hurt my feelings a little bit." "And I got real fucking comfortable." "I didn't geek out on him." "I just waited for the proper moments and shit." "Like, um, we're in the midst of a take, and we're talking about Thomas gabriel." "And I'm just like, "He's scary." ""He's scary, man." "He's dangerous scary." "He's so scary, he's scary like, did you ever hear Return of Bruno?" "He's that scary."" "And he goes, "Ha ha ha ha." ""AII right, that's for dump truck." "Ha ha ha ha ha!"" "So, uh, and that was my time on Die Hard." "It took what should have taken," "I don't know, a day to shoot, Iike, fucking 10 pages, wound up taking five days to shoot three people having a conversation." "Um, at the end of it, dude gave me a big hug and shit like that." "And I was out of Bruce willis' life." "I think I saw him again at the premier, would be the next time I saw him." "And, you know, it's always very hectic, and we said hi, and he fucking gave me a hug and shit like that." "But that was it." "It's not Iike we became best friends or anything like that." "until 4th of july." "I'm sitting in a hotel room, Vegas, palms hotel." "'Cause I went out to play a tournament-- poker tournament with AffIeck." "And donked it out of the tournament, and then AffIeck wanted to go play some big stakes shit, and I was just like, "You know what?" "I'm gonna go back to my hotel room."" "And there I am in the midst of Sin City, you know, where you can throw a rock and find something to gamble on, whether it be horses or somebody's back," "like, there's always gambling to be done in fucking Vegas and shit, and there I am, in my hotel room in Vegas, playing online poker." "Even worse, the free version of online poker." "Phone rings, and I'm looking at this number I don't recognize." "I'm, Iike, "hello?" "Kevin." "Bruce willis."" ""How's the game, man?" "How the fuck are you?"" "He's, Iike, "Good." "Just enjoying the anniversary" ""of the birth of our nation's independence." ""Barbecue, Sun valley, you know, it's all good." ""We're doing some fireworks in a little bit." "Great day." "How about you?"" "I was, Iike, "Just I'm hanging out in Vegas." ""Hey, man, congratulations on the opening." ""It was a strong opening." ""Looks like it's gonna be the highest grossing of all the Die Hards. "" "He's, Iike, "It is, it is." ""It's gonna be the best one, biggest one yet." "Which is great." "Turned into a great movie."" "I said, "It did turn into a really pimp movie." "congratulations."" "He's, Iike, "well, we worked hard on it." "You know, you were there."" "I was like, "For a little bit."" "He goes, "Let me ask you something." ""You're from Jersey, I'm from Jersey." ""You write, direct." "I act." "We should do something together."" "[clunk] [applause, cheering]" "apologies to the sound department." "I" " Like, I'm lying in bed face down, and somehow was able to shit my pants up." "I was, Iike, "Oh, my God, dude." "I would love to that." "I'm gonna start trying to think of something right now."" "He's like, "well, you do that." ""I think it makes a Iot of sense." "We should do it, man." ""In the meantime, you have a great day and drop me a line."" "I was like, "I totally will, man." "Good-bye, Bruce willis."" "And I hung up, and I just laid there on the bed, going "That was fucking surreal." "That was a real surreal moment."" "But then I got sad because I was, Iike, I got nothing." "I got absolutely nothing that Bruce willis would be interesting in being in." "Like, hey, dude, you wanna play fucking silent Bob's uncle?" "You know, just" "probably more appropriate to be Jay's uncle, but I got nothing." "Nothing, not a fucking movie in me that makes sense for Bruce willis to be in." "It's weird, it's Iike-- you know, TantaIus, the lake, Hades and shit?" "Where a guy's buried up to his waist in water, and he's fucking burning and thirsty, but the moment he goes to take a drink, it disappears." "Bruce willis said he would Iike to be in a movie that I wrote and directed." "I have no fucking movie for Bruce willis." "None whatsoever and shit." "I got desperate and shit." "I was playing video games at home." "I'm like, Dig-Dug, starring Bruce willis." "There are giant monsters under New York." "There's only one man who can stop 'em." "One man with a pump." "Bruce willis is Dig-Dug." "But that's my fucking Die Hard story." "[applause]" "[Man] Hi, Kevin." " How are you, sir?" " Awesome." "Uh, New zealand." "Whoo!" "Yeah." "[applause]" "I just wanted to know if there was still any chance of Manchild being picked up by Showtime, and how was your experience working on that show?" "Um, I don't think Manchild will ever see the light of day, which is kind of sad because it's turned into a really funny fucking show." "Um, but Showtime, when the boys, the CuIIen brothers, who made the show," "Robb and Mark turned it in, Iike, they tested it twice, tested through the roof the first time, and then the second" "I think it was Showtime didn't believe it." "Like, the studio held the test." "Sony made the show, and Showtime was supposed to air the show." "So Sony didn't" "Showtime didn't believe the Sony test numbers, so, Iike, "We're gonna have our own test."" "So they tested the show again, and it went even higher." "So it was, Iike, we thought it was a no-brainer." "It was, Iike, obviously the show's getting picked up." "You gotta clear out these months because you're gonna be working on this fucking TV show now." "And I was like, "Right on."" "And then" " Excuse me." "They decided to put the Duchovny show on the air instead." "Californication, which I haven't seen, so I can't speak for it, but they decided to go with that instead." "They had one slot, and they were like," ""We're gonna go with Californication. "" "They told the boys, the boys told me that the network said," ""You made a great pilot." "We're just going another way."" "And I was like, "That's fucking weird 'cause it's a funny show."" "And the sad thing is the show can't go anyplace else 'cause it's really vulgar." "In terms of, Iike, uses coarse language and whatnot." "It'd be like trying to take The Sopranos and putting it on AE." "It's just a show that's like, it can only live in one of two places." "Either Showtime or HBO, and Showtime doesn't want it, and they won't let HBO have it, even if HBO did want it." "So it's kind of fucked in this weird netherworId of this place where we did one pilot of a show that everyone assumed was getting picked up and suddenly wasn't." "And it was weird, it was sad because it was really fucking good." "And I thought I was actually pretty good in it, but it was a frightening show to make because they wanted to do" "At the head of every episode, start with us on surfboards out in the middle of the Pacific, atlantic?" "[audience member] Pacific." "Where are we?" "atlantic?" "The other one." "In the Pacific because we were all avid surfboard enthusiasts and shit like that, and that was written into the script." "And I remember, right before we shot the pilot, I was like," "I have never been on a surfboard my whole fucking life." "I didn't even know how to" "It didn't call for us to do" " Hang ten and shit, but, you know, we were supposed to be sitting on surfboards, having a conversation." "At one point, my character is supposed to, Iike, light a cigarette, and drink a little bottle of fucking whiskey and shit, all while balancing on a surfboard." "And I was, Iike, I don't fucking know how to surf." "I've never touched a surfboard in my Iife." "So I took the kid over to the valley to go buy a used surfboard at a surf shop, and when I bought it, the dude looked at me, and he was just like, "You ever surf before?"" "I was like, "First time."" "He's like, "Yeah, I thought so."" "I was like, "What do I need?"" "He's like, "well, you're gonna need some Sex Wax."" "I was like, "Tee hee."" "He's like, "You're probabIy" "Where you gonna do it, in the ocean?"" "I said yeah." "He's like, "You're gonna wanna wear some booties" ""'cause the ocean's pretty nasty, and there's some shit down there that can bite you."" "And I was like, "What?" I was like," ""I imagine we're just gonna shoot it, you know, in a pool on a green screen."" "He's, Iike, "Nah, you're probably gonna shoot in the ocean" ""'cause nothing looks like the ocean, man." ""They can't just fake it." ""And plus, you're right here by the Pacific." ""You're gonna be in the ocean, you should get these booties and shit."" "And I was like, "I will."" "Took the surfboard home to the pool, tried to get on it." "Kid sitting there watching." "Kid wanted to get on the surfboard right away." "I was like, "Let Daddy do it first, show you how it's done."" "Like, could not fuckin' sit on a surfboard." "I wasn't even, Iike, trying to walk on it and fucking balance." "I'm just talking about a dude sitting his fat ass on a surfboard." "could not fucking do it without it going "foon."" "Turning right the fuck over and shit." "And the kid just sitting there going, Iike, "Can I try now?"" "And me going, Iike, "You gotta let me rock this, man." "I don't think it's safe for you 'cause I can't do it."" "meanwhile, the surfboard is almost as big as the pool itself." "I used to remember surfboards," "like, you see 'em in fucking cartoons." "They're usually the size of a person, but this one was fucking really long and shit." "Me and the kid and the wife and everyone I know could've sat on this surfboard if the pool was big enough." "So I try that out for a while, then they called and they said," ""Hey, we're actually gonna have surfing practice." ""We're gonna send you out there with a real surfer," ""and he's gonna teach you guys balance, and see how you handle yourselves on the waves and shit." "And I was like, "Right on." "I gotta tell you, I'm a little nervous."" "They're all like, "Why?"" "I was like, "'Cause you're out in the water, right?"" "He was like, "Yeah."" "And I was like, "I'm terrified of sharks."" "And he's, Iike, "You saw Jaws when you were a kid?"" "I said, "Yeah."" ""'Cause I gotta tell you, man." ""If you were bitten by a shark in Santa Monica," ""you'd be the first person in history to get bitten by a shark off the pier in Santa Monica."" "And I was, Iike, "That doesn't help me at all."" "'Cause that doesn't say that I'II never get bitten by a shark." "That just says I'II be the first guy who has been bitten by a shark, so that means it's possible."" "He's, Iike, "Kevin, there are no sharks out there." "You don't have to worry about it."" "I was like, "I don't know, dude." "I'm really fucking nervous and tight about it."" "He was, Iike, "well, that's what the rehearsal's about," ""where you can go out and rehearse it and see how it feels" and whatnot." ""Put you in a wetsuit."" "And I was like, "A wetsuit?" "really?"" "He was, Iike, "Yeah, so that way," ""if something does bite you, they gotta go through your wetsuit." "Ha ha"" "I was like, "That ain't funny."" "He was, Iike, "We're gonna send somebody over to measure you up for a wetsuit."" "Which is a kind way of saying" ""They don't sell your size on the rack."" "So some broad came over, measured me up, and fucking, you know, had to measure me in all sorts of horrible places." "Wetsuits are very tight fitting and very unforgiving, as I'm sure you're aware." "So it's not a simple matter of, Iike, yeah, you know," "I'm size 48 regular, something like that." "She's gotta, measure every inch of your fucking body, right up to your fucking dick." "Around your fat fucking thighs and shit like that." "Because this thing has to be form-fitting." "So she's calling out numbers, and the dude who's writing the numbers down, 'cause the chick's measuring me, and her assistant is writing shit down." "She'II call out a number, and the dude has an expression of, Iike, "You're kidding."" "Like he's never heard that fucking number before in relation to a wetsuit and shit." "and I don't know how they found enough fucking neoprene, but they eventually built my fucking wetsuit from the ground up." "I'm sure they cleared out all the neoprene that was available on the West Coast for at Ieast a month and shit." "Chick turns back up with my fucking wetsuit." "She's like, "Try it on."" "Take it into my closet, fucking pull it on." "Most unforgiving piece of fucking clothing ever and shit." "Zip it up." "Look in the mirror, which was a real mistake." "Because I just look Iike" "I immediately flash to that scene in Batman Returns when the Penguin's in the sewers, and he rips off his little tuxedo, and he's like, "Crank the AC!"" "And he just looks like this fat egg." "And knowing that Danny DeVito had padding to help him look like that." "I Iooked like the Penguin in Batman Returns with no help whatsoever." "Just a very fat man in a very tight-fitting fucking suit, and had to walk out in front of the fucking wardrobe person, who was, Iike, "It's perfect." "Perf" ""Looks good." "Turned out" " excellent." "It turned out really well." "Okay." "Take it off." "Now."" "So, put it on and shit, went to do surfing rehearsal and shit." "talked to the CuIIen brothers." "I was, Iike, "Dude, this suit is fucking unforgiving." "I gotta wear, Iike, something on top of it." "Layers." "I'm a Iayers guy." "I don't know if you know this or not, but, Iike, it's August." "I'm wearing the trench coat right now." "Like, that's how I Iive my Iife." "Layers." "That hides the flab." "And Mark's just, Iike, "Dude, everyone knows you're fat."" "And I'm like, "Yeah, but I trick myself into thinking they don't know" ""because-- because I'm wearing layers." ""AII I'm saying is I can't just sit there on a surfboard," ""you know, wearing this fucking wetsuit with my gut on my knees." "Like, it's not" " It's unflattering."" "He's, Iike, "You think a shirt's gonna help that?"" "I was like, "It's gonna help me and my state of mind, thinking, Iike, maybe people are sitting there, going," ""Oh, the shirt's awfully big and bunchy."" "You know, Iike, maybe they won't put together that that's me under the shirt." "So he's like, "AII right," "I guess we can get you something."" "And they're like, "What about a Kings jersey?"" "'Cause it's set in L.A." "I was like, "That's totally fine." "I'II rock a hockey jersey." "That'II be awesome."" "He's like, "Good, you ready to rehearse now?"" "I said, "Yeah."" "So we got out on the ocean with the surfing instructor." "It's me, paul Hipp, um, John Corbett, you know, from Sex and the City, and John Corbett's really committed to the part." "'Cause John Corbett, beautiful man, beautiful head of hair." "First time I meet him, he looks like GaIIagher." "Just bald with a ring of hair around here, and I was like, "God damn it, Iike, for years I thought you had hair."" "And he's, Iike, "I do have hair." "I shaved this for the show." "What's your excuse?"" "I was like, "Genetics."" "And James Purefoy, who was on Rome, played Mark Antony, he was the other guy on the show." "So we get out there with the surfing instructor, who's like a pro." "The guy's been in videos, shit like that, won awards, competition surfer, and he makes a living off of it and shit." "He was real lovely and patient." "But he has this horrified look on his face," "like, "I got to work with the fat one?" "Fuck."" "So he just gets me up onto the surfboard, and he's holding the surfboard." "He's like, "I'm gonna let it go, so you just gotta find your center of balance."" "I'm, Iike, "AII right." He let's the board go." "I go right underwater." "He's, Iike, "You didn't find your center of balance, Kevin."" "I was, Iike, "You would think it wouId be easy to find" ""because I spend most of my time on my ass and I pretty much don't fall over there."" "He's like, "well, the trick is" ""to just kind of be at one with the ocean and shit." ""It's a really powerful aura out here," ""and it kind of blends with yours." "That's what helps you keep your balance."" "I'm, Iike, "Come on, dude, just tell me how a fat man sits on a surfboard, and let's move on."" "He's, Iike, "It's gonna be difficult, you know?"" "He's, Iike, "Let's work on a paddle." "Let's get you down on the board and do the paddle."" "He's, Iike, "Just lay down on the board."" "So I'm like, "AII right."" "And I go to lay down on the board, and the board goes right over my head." "Back in the ocean, I'm face down in the drink again." "He's just like "We're going to need two more rehearsals."" "By the time we're ready to shoot the show, we go out on the water and shit." "thankfully, for most of the dialogue, they slip these skiffs under us, these floating skiffs, so we're sitting on surfboards that are sitting on things that float in the water, and that's easy enough to maintain your balance on" "because it's like sitting on a very wide raft, but still there's a Iot of motion in the ocean." "Shit's moving around and whatnot." "And after we do that all day, they're like "Okay, we're going to pull the skiffs away," ""and we're going to do it with nothing." "Go to do a wide shot."" "And I'm like "You're taking the fucking skiff?" "Don't take the skiff." "The skiff's my Iife."" "Like, "Without the skiff, I'm going to fucking drown, man." "I'm going to go right in the fucking water."" "Like, "No, man." "You've got your center of balance" and shit." "They take the skiff, and me on the skiff, when I'm acting," "I'm able to fucking, Iike, light a cigarette, drink, talk with my hands, moving and shit like that, gesticuIate." "When it comes to me just sitting on the surfboard," "I'm like this." "AII the dialogue comes out fucking stiff." "suddenly I ain't lighting cigarettes or drinking or nothing." "None of the continuity matches up." "They've just got a wide shot of four dudes, and the other dudes are talking, and I'm like, "Uh-huh."" "Because I'm fucking terrified that there's something out there." "They literally took us out into the fucking ocean." "Granted, you could see the beach from where we were, but it was still too far away, and we all know that shark attacks happen in, Iike, 3 feet of water." "At least that's what I've seen on Shark Week, so" "And I tend to believe it." "And I was just fucking" "And also, it's a very unforgiving suit to begin with." "I'm looking at myself in the trailer, and one thing I notice when I put it on, because it hikes right the fuck up based on the measurements, is I Iook like I've got camel toes." "There is no proof of the existence of a cock anywhere." "I just look like a man-- a fat egg man with a pussy." "Like Humpty Dumpty's butch wife, you know?" "Just" "So I'm Iike" " For the first time in my Iife" "Never thought about it." "always seen it in movies and shit." "Never once considered it." "First time in my Iife, I'm like," ""I have to stuff something down my fucking pants."" "You know, something that's going to look dick-Iike so that when I'm sitting out there" "I don't look like a dick with no dick, so I started looking around in the trailer." "Fucking nothing." "You can never find a cucumber when you want one." "Start cruising the fucking Craft Service table and shit." "They got fish, whole fish," "like gefilte fish kind of thing, and I'm like "It looks like a dick."" "Am I so desperate to not seem dickIess that I will stick a fish in my pants?" "Not there yet, you know, so-- so I didn't do it, and I just suck it up." "I don't have any socks because I don't wear socks, so I can't roll up socks and stick them down." "I've got nothing, so I'm like "Fuck it."" "I'm just going to be proud of the fact that I have no dick and just blame it on the suit." "So we're out there shooting the scene at one point, just sitting on our skiffs." "Boat's a few feet from us." "And I hear" " paul Hipp goes "Hey, man, did you see that?"" "Which is something you never want to see or hear in the middle of an ocean, and I'm like, "See what?" "What are you talking about?"" "And he's like "That over there."" "And I Iook out, and something is looking at me from the bottom-- from the ocean." "It just popped its head up, and it's fucking staring at me." "Something with fucking eyes." "Now, I don't have my glasses on because my character doesn't like his glasses, so I immediately start running through the catalog of all the things that can pop up out of the ocean and look at you." "and, of course, my mind immediately flashes on the Jaws poster-- that view of the shark from below where his eyes are here and his mouth and shit and there's a chick above him, and she's a tiny morsel compared to the meal that I am." "And also I've seen enough Shark Week to know that, Iike, sharks will pop their heads out of the water and fucking try to eat seaguIIs and shit." "Like, never mind the ones that are air" "Jaws will just jump up and fucking take something down." "We're like, "I am never leaving the house again," "let alone going in the ocean,"" "but the ones that" " I've seen video of fucking sharks that put their heads up, trying to get a seagull, and the seagull's like "Aargh,"" "and the shark's Iike" "And you're like, "Jesus Christ, man." "Like, they can come out of the water."" "They just haven't gotten it together to get on land yet, but they're coming." "So I'm just like, "What the fuck is it?" "What is looking at us?"" "And fucking soon I'm peering and squinting and looking." "I'm like, "It's a fucking seal."" "A seal has poked his head up and is fucking staring at us." "And everyone's like, "That's so cute,"" "and I'm just like, "Somebody shoot it now because--"" "I know they're cute and shit, but look, he's looking at us, and I don't know what's going to happen next." "I don't want that thing swimming under my feet and me thinking it's a seal and really it's a shark, or a fucking-- a very rabid seal." "Look, I saw Arrested Development." "I know what a seal can do." "I was like, "So somebody blow that thing's fucking head off because I'm fucking terrified."" "At this point, I'm really glad" "I didn't stick the fish into my fucking suit." "So I'm like, "Can we cut?" And they're like, "Why?"" "I'm like, "There's a seal out there."" "They're like, "Are you fucking serious?"" "I'm like, "AII right, just whatever." "Go on."" "And the seal fucking disappeared and shit." "The rest of the day, all I do is fucking look into water that I can't see beneath because it's so fucking murky, just waiting for the fucking thing to resurface again and shit." "Never saw it again until I was heading back to the car." "We were all done shooting, walking with my surfboard to the car." "It was the only pimp moment in the whole experience because I felt like I was in Endless Summer and shit, just walking around with my surfboard." "And there's, Iike, you know, an inlet where all the boats dock and shit like that, so I'm walking along the paved path there, and I Iook over, and the fucking seal pops his head up again," "and then he just starts swimming, kind of following me, and then popping his head up to make sure I'm there and shit, and then goes back down." "And he's walking the length of the distance with me, and I'm like, "I fucking knew it." "He wanted blood."" "And he's waiting for me to come back." "But it was a cool experience." "I wish they'd picked up." "They didn't pick it up, sadly, but fortunately for me," "I don't have to go into the ocean ever again because that show would have put me on the ocean every fucking episode, and I was like, "Can't we switch it up "where some weeks we're, you know," ""going to play putt-putt golf and shit?" ""Some day-- weeks we're bowling." "Must it always be surfing?"" "They're like, "No, man, it's surfing." "Surfing's a man thing."" "I'm like, "I'm barely a man." "please don't put me in the ocean."" "I'm afraid of seals." "So that's the one upside to it not happening-- no ocean for me, and I never have to put on a fucking wetsuit again as long as I Iive." " cool." "Cheers." " Thank you, sir." "How are you, sir?" "AII right." "Uh..." "I" " I'm, Iike you, getting older, and, you know, stuff starts hurting." "Can you tell us the anal fissure story?" "Anyone know what an anal fissure is?" "Yes." "Yes." "Ouch." "I had no idea." "I'm a big shitter." "Love to shit." "Big fan of shitting." "One of my favorite fucking pastimes." "almost like to shit more than I Iike to eat and fuck because I can do it by myself and it feels really good, and I get a Iot of shit done while I'm shitting." "I spend a Iot of time on the toilet." "I'm one of those people who sits down, takes a shit in the first 30 seconds, spends an hour reading." "Been doing" " I think it has a Iot to do with" "like, I grew up in a house with one bathroom, five people sharing one bathroom and shit, and when I started getting my own places and whatnot," "I was just able to max and relax without someone being like, "I need to use the bathroom." "Get up."" "I remember being a kid, being in the bathroom, my mom yelling "Get up!" "I got to go!"" "And then she'd go to the bathroom." "I'd sit down again." "I was like, "That is so fucked up."" "So I'm a big shitter and big in size and also a very poor diet-- you know, no roughage and shit like that, no veggies, no greens." "Don't drink enough water, as I should." "So I tend to get bound up and whatnot." "So I've always had hemorrhoids." "Hemorrhoids have been a fucking prevalent problem with me for years." "I'd sit down on the bowl and wind up pushing." "You're supposed to sit down, shit, and go." "Some days you sit on the bowl, and you're just Iike" "You know, just fucking straining and stressing to get shit out" "like you're fucking passing a child and whatnot." "And apparently that's not healthy and not the way you're supposed to go about shitting and if it's not coming out you're supposed to get up and walk away and come back when it's ready to come out," "but I spent a Iot of Iife in the earlier years just going-- you know, grabbing down on the bowl, bearing down and shit," "like, almost like you're going to shit your own guts out." "You know." "So that's caused hemorrhoids, and, you know, so I'm used to hemorrhoids." "They come around every once in a while and shit like that, but I had a hemorrhoid that I didn't know how else to explain it, but it felt like it broke, and suddenly I started feeling weird rectal pain," "like, that I'd never known before in my Iife." "It was really strange, Iike I would be walking around." "I'd be like, "Ow."" "feels like somebody just stabbed me in the fucking poo hole with a knife." "You know." "You ever get that feeling?" "people are like, "What, poo hole?" You know?" "I was like, "It just feels fucking weird, and it kind of hurts and shit like that."" "And I was just like "I got to talk to somebody that knows a thing or two about rectal torture,"" "so I called my brother." "[laughter]" "Because he's got more experience in the subject than I do, right?" "So I'm like, "Dude, does your ass ever really fucking hurt?"" "And he's just like "You're kidding, right?"" "I was like, "Yeah, but, I mean, I don't know." "I just feel like I've got--"" ""Have you ever gotten your asshole cut or something?" "It feels like I got a cut on my asshole,"" "and he's like, "Yeah, sometimes it's gone, you know" ""I've felt something akin to what you're describing," ""and I just grab some Desotin and rub it in, and it kind of helps."" "I was like, "Desotin?" "Like baby lotion?"" "He's like, "Yeah, totally helps."" "I was like, "AII right, man." Give it a fucking shotsky." "Got some Desotin, rubbed it in." "I was like, "Ow!" "Fucking ow!"" "You know, didn't fucking help." "Did nothing but fucking hurt, and I was just like," ""I don't know what's fucking going on here." "Because I can't see." "Like, even if I squat over a mirror, this is in the way, and it's even worse if I can fucking suck this in and see past it." "The view just makes me want to put a bullet in my head." "Because I'm like, "Jesus Christ." ""It's nothing but fIab and tiny ball hairs, and where's my asshole?"" "You know?" "It's just fucking soak me down, rub me around in flour, and find the wet spot." "So I'm like, "I can't--"" "I said, "I've got to do the unthinkable, the thing that I never in a million years thought I would fucking ask for, and I fucking turned to my wife, and I was like, "I need you to look at my asshole."" "And her eyes just fucking Iike" ""Wait, don't you usually want me to look at your dick?"" "And I'm like, "No, this ain't a sex thing." "It hurts, and I need you to look at it,"" "and she's like, "I mean, I can do that if that's what you want."" "I said, "I don't want it," ""but you're the only person I know who I can ask" ""who I'm intimate enough with that it wouId be kind of okay if you looked,"" "and she's like, "AII right." "Uh, you mean now?"" "And I was like, "Yeah, now." "It fucking hurts, man." "I'm in pain and shit."" "So I lay down, drop my fucking drawers and shit," "lay down on the bed face down, fucking grab both cheeks, and crane as far fucking left and right as I can to get that shit spread open, just to give her a nice fucking view." "And I'm like, "You see anything?"" "She's like, "A little too much, yeah."" "I was like, "Anything look weird?"" "She's like, "You know you got a Iot of hair in your asshole?"" "It was like, "Yeah, I know, but do you see anything," "like am I bleeding?" "Is there a cut?"" "She's like, "I don't know, Kevin." "There's a Iot of folds down here."" "I was like, "This is fucking useless." "You just--"" "She was like, "Why don't you go to the doctor?"" ""I don't want to go to the doctor, man." ""I don't want to go to no proctoIogist." "I saw Fletch, you know." "I don't want to be doing like, º Moon River º" "So I was like, "I can't fucking do it, man." "I can't commit." "Maybe it'II just fucking go away."" "I was like, "You know what I should do is stop eating because every time I take a shit, it seems to hurt more."" "But it doesn't hurt when I'm shitting." "When I'm shitting, it feels okay." "But when I stop shitting, suddenly it really fucking hurts." "It, Iike, aches to the point where I had to go and lay down." "I would take a shit, and I would go lay down for three hours, and that, after about three hours, the pain would subside, so I was like, "Maybe I should just stop eating altogether" ""and see what happens" ""because if I'm not shitting, there won't be that after-shit pain that I've been dealing with."" "So she's like, "That's unreasonable." ""Maybe you should fucking eat more" ""so your digestive tract is in more activity," ""and maybe it's just not used to" ""because you went on an aII-Iiquid diet for a Iong time," ""and maybe it's not used to shitting a Iot anymore, and maybe that's the problem is just seeing more activity."" "I was like, "Yeah, maybe you're right, so I should eat more."" "Stupid fucking dumb idea." "Just really retarded as all fuck because I would shit more, and it wouId fucking hurt me fucking more." "I was just in total fucking agony, and I couldn't understand it, and I'm a fairly smart individual, but I was like, "I don't get it." "I don't understand what's going on and shit."" "I don't understand what's going on and shit."" "In the midst of this," "I got a fucking jury duty notice." "terrible." "And, you know," "I ducked jury duty for a Iong time because we were making movies, and you can always use the excuse" ""I'm working and I can't get off."" ""I'm in a different country."" "This one I've kind of reached the drop dead where I had to do it, or else they weren't going to-- they'd arrest me or some such shit." "Whatever." "The one where you got to do it or else you're in trouble." "So I was like, "Fuck," "I have no interest in doing this."" "I can't imagine sitting because I couldn't sit." "I was just laying on my stomach for fucking weeks and shit, sitting there rubbing my asshole," "like I was massaging my ass" "My fingers stank so badly because all I would do is massage my asshole all the time because it hurt so much, and I was like, "Maybe if I just fucking relax it, it'II be okay."" "Like, there was one night" "I think it was Christmas-- no, Thanksgiving, my favorite fucking holiday in the world, dude." "I Iove fucking turkey and mashed potatoes." "I couldn't wait for Thanksgiving." "CouIdn't even fucking get through the meal because I sat down, I was in agony." "I started tearing up and shit like that." "I am not a drinking man, but I was like, "Give me a belt of Scotch, please."" "Like, never tasted Scotch in my Iife." "Threw a glass back." "I was like, "Nope, it's not helping."" "Jen was like, "I got some fucking codeine left over from when I had my neck operation,"" "and I was like, "Codeine?"" "She was like, "Yeah." "It's either that or fucking Percocet."" "I was like, "Percocet?" "Mewes used to use Percocets." "Give me the Percocets."" "Because I've seen that dude when he was fucked up, and let me tell you, he felt no rectal pain." "So I popped a couple Percocets, did another belt of Scotch and shit." "malcolm was in town." "malcolm was just like, "I got some weed."" "I was like, "Give me the weed, man."" "Like, I got fucking stoned." "The fucking Percs, the booze, and, you know, I felt like I was Fat elvis." "Percs, booze, and weed did nothing to dull that pain." "I was still fucking in agony and shit, and I would just go cower in my bed." "Didn't want to be around people and shit, so the thought of doing jury duty was like fucking hell on earth." "I was like, "Sitting in a box" ""for fucking however long a case is?" "I can't do it, man."" "And gall, my mother-in-Iaw, my assistant, Jen's mom, was just like, "You got to do it." "If you don't do it, you're going to be in trouble this time."" "So I go to the L.A. courthouse and shit." "Sitting in the jury pool." "And you always hear these stories about, Iike, "Oh, I was there all day." "They didn't pick me." "I got home." "They didn't call me for another two years."" "I was like, "Right on." "Maybe that'II be me."" "So I bring some shit with me, and I'm in the jury pool room, and everyone's sitting in chairs, and I'm just leaning against the wall, trying to find a comfortable position, because what you learn very quickly when you have some rectal pain" "is that the sphincter is the fulcrum of your whole body." "It's weird." "Like, you never really think about the asshole." "You're like, "Just shit comes out of it," ""and sometimes, if a girl's really happy with you, you get to fuck her in it."" "It becomes the-- It is the fucking focus point of your whole being." "You move this arm, it reverberates in your sphincter." "You move this finger, it reverberates in your sphincter." "Move your head." "Everything is connected to that." "Like, if I was a marionette, that's where you would work me from." "You know, fucking" "Not the puppet kind, but just like with the strings and shit." "Everything operates from the asshole." "So I couldn't stand without feeling the fucking pain." "So I'm leaning against walls, and it's fucking hurting." "And finally I hear him say my number, which was like 35 or something like that." "I was like, "Fuck!"" "So they pull me into this courtroom, and we're sitting in the audience part of the jury." "Like, not in the jury box, but where the audience sits during a case." "And they're pulling people up." "And I become prospective Juror #3." "So they got 12 people up there." "And they go through the voir dire process where the lawyers ask you question and shit like that." "They start-- two lawyers talk, and then they start picking off people." "You know, Iike, "Number 4 you're released from duty."" ""Number 12, you're released from duty." "Thank you."" ""Number 10, we're not going to need you." "Thank you very much for your time."" "And then they fill the box in with more people, they go through more questions and shit like that." "And Iike-- "Let me ask you this question." "Um, lawyers." "How do you feel about lawyers?"" "And I said-- the first two people in front of me are like, "Look, I fucking hate lawyers." "Like, lawyers should all burn in hell" and shit." "You know, what's the best-- a good" "What do you call 5,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?" "A good start." "Like, all that shit, right?" "So everyone's coming down on lawyers, and I'm just like, "I'm gonna go another way completely."" "So they get to me, and the judge is like," ""Juror #3, have you ever used a lawyer, uh, retained a lawyer and how do you feel about lawyers in general?"" "And I said, "Let me tell you." "I retain a lawyer all the time." ""I got a lawyer who works for me and shit." "Does all my contracts." ""And I Iove lawyers because my lawyer helps me make money." "So-- and he's a good guy." "We get along really well."" "He's like, "Okay."" "Stupid fucking answer." "Dumb answer." "The answer should have been," ""AII lawyers should burn in hell."" "Because the first two people were like," ""Juror #1 , you're excused." "Juror #2, you're excused."" "I'm like, "Fuck!" "Why didn't I go the same way?"" "Why didn't I just say, "Lawyers are bitches." "They're worse than hitler"?" "You know?" "Just something really fucking terrible 'cause it wouId have gotten me fucking excused and shit." "He comes down to the final 12." "He's getting ready to lock the fucking jury, and I'm like, "I can't fucking do this, man." "I can't fucking sit here through this trial."" "Like, it's impossible for me to do this." "I'm in such agony, sitting on these chairs." "I keep shifting from fucking side to side." "And prospective Juror #2 is looking at me like," ""Get off me, dude." Like, you know." "immediately wants out of the case because she can't imagine me leaning on her for the entire duration of the case." "So the judge goes, "Okay, before I lock this jury," ""I've got to ask everybody," ""is there anything you wish to express to counsels that may preclude you from being involved in this case?"" "And I'm like, "This is my moment." ""If I don't say something now, I'm here." "Like, I'm fucked." "So this is going to be embarrassing, but fuck it, I'm going to do it."" "And I raised my hand." "He's like, "Juror #3?"" "And I was like, "Your Honor," ""um, I have what feels like a broken hemorrhoid right now." "And I'm in real bad pain, so I hate everybody."" "And he just looks at me and he goes, "Good to know, Juror #3." "Okay, well, this jury's locked." "Thank you and--"" "Okay, well, this jury's locked." "Thank you and--"" "I was like, "Fucking, no!" "No!"" "And the case immediately fucking begins." "And it turns out it's a case about two lawyers suing one another." "So fucking me saying "I hate lawyers"" "would have been the right way to go." "I tried to out-think it and shit, got caught in the box because they want" "I'm sitting there, going "I Iove lawyers."" "And they're like, "We want him."" "So I'm like, "Fuck!"" "And it's not even a cool case." "You know, you watch Law and Order and shit and "Hang 'em High" McCoy is up front and fucking sending people to chamber and shit." "And just pulling shit out of his ass that's compelling." "You like watching it, even though it's just a dude talking, because he's so smart and shit." "Court cases are so fucking boring, dude." "This one lawyer was, Iike, um, what do they call it?" "Not cross examining, because that's when the other person does it." "He's talking to his witness." " The witness is up on the stand." " [audience member] Direct!" "He's doing direct." "Thank you very much." "I watch so much Law and Order, you'd think I'd know." "He's on direct and shit, and he's talking to his fucking client." "about, Iike, you know, this case about where she was represented by this other lawyer and how she wasn't paid properly." "It's a two-hour fucking story that neither of them tries to make interesting at all." "And, Iike, I'm all about, Iike, entertain me." "I'II listen to your bullshit if you throw a fucking dick joke in there somewhere." "Just fucking throw something in there." "It is just boring, droning talk." "And meanwhile my asshole fucking hurts like you wouldn't believe." "And I'm shifting constantly." "Juror #2 is looking at me like I'm trying to cop a feel." "But I'm just like, "help me!" "It hurts!" You know?" "So Day One ends, and I'm like," ""Maybe they'II wrap this case up real quickly."" "They didn't." "And we were heading into Day Two, so I went home, and I was just like, "I know what I gotta do."" "I can't eat." "Because the moment I eat," "I shit, and then it really starts to hurt." "So I'm not going to eat in the morning." "That way, I won't have to shit, and everything'II be okay." "So go back to the court case." "Next day." "Brought a pad." "Didn't fucking work." "It still hurt." "But I'm sitting there, and suddenly midway through the morning, it starts feeling habitable." "Not good." "But just like," ""Oh, it doesn't feel" "like somebody's got a fucking ice pick up my ass." ""Like it feeIs-- I feel somewhat normal." ""It's just a dull, throbbing pain and not a sharp fucking somebody's-twisting-a-knife pain."" "So I was like, "Maybe it's calming down."" "Maybe it's feeling better and shit."" "So we get a break at lunchtime." "I was like, "I'm not going to eat."" "Because if I eat, then I'm going to have to shit, and if I shit, it's gonna hurt." "So I'm just" " I go outside and have a cigarette." "Now, when I smoke, I have to shit for some reason." "There's some kind of" "I don't know if it's the nicotine carcinogen fucking hits your sphincter, and your sphincter's like," ""AII right, Iet's dump."" "Like, in the morning I wake up, have a cigarette, immediately I go take a shit." "But I was so bored, I was like, "I want a cigarette."" "Because I couldn't eat, so I couldn't fill my mouth, so I was like, "I need to smoke."" "Went out and smoked, immediately had to take a shit." "And I was like, "Fuck!"" "Went to the fucking bathroom." "Tried to find the most remote bathroom where fucking people, criminals weren't shitting and pissing at the time." "Found one on a different floor altogether in the courthouse." "Took a shit." "felt fine while I was shitting." "The moment I fucking pulled up my pants, it was just a deafening, fucking pain." "Like, just fucking turned me over on my side in a dirty stall where I'm almost fucking Trainspotting it into the toilet." "Just such fucking agony and shit." "And then stumble out of the fucking room," "Ieaning against walls and whatnot." "And get back to the courtroom, and they're like, "We're back in session."" "And I was like, "Great."" "And go up to-- stumbIe to the jury box, and the bailiff's there, and I'm like," ""Look, would you mind terribly if I leaned on the jury box instead of sitting in my seat?"" "And she's like, "Why?"" "She's like, "Oh, you're the hemorrhoid guy." "Uh, yeah, that's fine by me." "Go ahead, Iean right here, hon."" "I was like, "Thank you."" "So fucking session begins again." "The dude is still on direct with his clients, still boring as sin." "I'm fucking leaning against the jury box at this point." "The other jurors keep looking over at me," "like, "Why's he get to hang outside?"" "I'm trying to find another position." "Every angle I go, it fucking hurts more and more and there's only one angle, or one position to be in where it feels okay." "So I'm like, "Fuck it." "I'm going to do it."" "And I just lay down on the floor in the courthouse, man." "I just hit the fucking deck, and I'm like, "Oh, oh."" "And finally there's some fucking rectal relief." "And I'm like, "Ohhh."" "And so I'm still listening to the boring-ass testimony and finally able to not concentrate on my fucking rectal pain." "But I can't see anybody because I'm below the jury box, off to the side." "And the people in the audience, the gallery behind us, are Iike" "But I don't care, dude, 'cause it was fucking relief." "And all of a sudden I hear the judge go," ""Um, hold on a second." "Did we lose somebody?"" "And he's like, "Juror #3, what happened?" "Where'd you go?"" "And I was like, "I'm down here, Your Honor."" "And he stands up and he's like, "Oh, there you are." "What's" " What's going on?"" "I said, "I'm in such pain right now." "I can't" " I'm sorry." ""I know I'm supposed to be standing up," ""but I can't" " I can't even do that." "I can't sit, I can't stand." "It just hurts so much."" "He's like, "Oh, yeah." "That's right." "You're the guy with butt problems." Um..." "He's like, "well, as long as neither counsel has a problem with it," ""I'm okay to let it go." "Um..." ""I would ask, however, if you could just" ""I think it's important that you see the witness as she gives testimony." ""And look at her face." "Um, Iike, can you do that?"" "I was like, "I can barely move."" "And he's like, "Just drag yourself forward two feet."" ""And I think you'II be able to see her face while you're doing it."" "I was like, "honestly, Your Honor," ""I couId care less about seeing her face right now." "I'm in so much pain."" "He's like, "well, what can we do for you?"" "And I was like, "Can we get, Iike, a ten-minute recess or something like that?"" "He's like, "Yeah, totally." "Ten-minute recess, starting now."" "So jurors have a room," "like off to the right or some-- the courtroom, the jury pool room, where you're supposed to sit and deliberate when the case is over." "Where the 12 angry men fucking fight with each other and shit." "And I was a fucking" "I was the angriest of the 12 angry men that day." "I assure you." "Because I was in such pain." "So I go in, and there's a men's room and a women's room." "And the men's room, I go into the men's bathroom side, fucking open my pants, put some toilet paper down there, pull it up, tons of blood." "So I'm like, "Oh, my God." "What the fuck's going on down there, man?" "Something is eating me in a bad way."" "So I go out into the room, and I try laying down on the conference room table, but it's too hard and shit." "And then I go to the ladies' room and they got one of those menstrual couches there." "Like, you know, when you go to the department stores and shit and the ladies' bathroom has a couch in it." "Where you're like, "Why the fuck do they have a couch?"" "Is because you get cramps real bad." "Sometimes you gotta lay down." "Maybe they did it more in the '70s than they do now." "But that's where I saw it." "I remember my mother taking me to the bathroom and being like, "Why do you have a fucking couch in here?" "This is awesome."" "So I went and laid down on that couch, and I tried laying on my fucking side, and it hurt." "And I tried laying on my fucking back, and it hurt." "And I'm just laying on my stomach and shit." "And I think it was Juror #6 came in." "You know, presumably to go take a squirt." "And, um, she walks past me, and she goes, "Oh." "Juror #3." "Um, how are you?"" "And I was like, "Not good."" "I was like, "I know you're trying to use the bathroom but I'm sorry, I can't get up." ""Just" " You go in there." "I'II cover my ears and pretend to not listen."" "She's like, "I'II just use the bathroom outside."" "I was like, "Right on." "Sorry." "Thanks."" "So I'm just laying there, hating life." "BaiIiff comes back, and she's just like," ""How you doing?" I said, "Not fucking good." "I'II be honest with you, ma'am." "This is really bad."" "I said, "And look, I know you guys need me out there and I really want to do my civic duty"-- and I had to not laugh 'cause I said "duty"" "And I said, "But I just can't move, man." ""Like, right now it's not feeling" ""like I'm in utter agony, but I'm just" " laying on my belly's the only way to do it."" "And she's like, "well, what else can we do?"" "I said, "Look, if you really want me out there," ""you know, you guys could just carry this couch into the courtroom" ""like CIeopatra-styIe." ""And, you know, as long as I can lay there, and listen to the case, I think I'd be okay with that."" "And she's like, "That's not really how it works around here."" "And I said, "Yeah, but I don't know what to tell you."" "And she said, "well, what about" "let me talk to the judge, see what the judge says."" "And I was like, "Thank you."" "So I'm laying there and shit." "She comes back after a few seconds." "She goes, "The judge would Iike to speak with you." "Can you make it out there?"" "I was like, "I don't know if I couId."" "She's like, "I think you might want to come out for this discussion because we're gonna end earlier today."" "And I said, "Okay, can you help me out?"" "And she's like, "AII right."" "Gives me a hand up and shit." "I'm leaning on her." "It's like I've had a fucking leg blown off." "Gets me out into the fucking courtroom, and I'm leaning on the jury box again." "And the whole place is cleared except for both defense and-- and what's the other one that's not defense?" "Defendant?" " [audience member] Prosecution!" " Prosecution, thank you." "It's late." "The prosecution and defense lawyers are there." "Their clients are there, the judge is there." "The stenographer's there, the bailiff's there, and I am there, leaning on the jury box, trying not to fucking pass out." "And the jury goes-- the judge goes," ""Juror #3, so what's going on?"" "And I said, "Like I said earlier, Your Honor," ""I think I got a hemorrhoid that just busted open" ""or something." "I can't see back there." "but it just" " I know it hurts."" "And he's like, "well, is there anything you think we can do about this?"" "And I said, I said, "Just, honestly, Your Honor," ""it feels like somebody slid a knife up my ass." ""And I don't know what that feels like," ""it's never been done to me, but I'm pretty sure this is how it wouId feel."" "And the stenographer's Iike" "And the judge is like, "You realize we're on the record, right?"" "And I was like, "It doesn't matter." "Don't care." "Hurts so much."" "And he was like, "What if I couId send you home right now?" "would you be able to get into a doctor?"" "I said, "Yeah, I couId get into a doctor today."" "He's like, "I'm going to give you my number," ""my personal number." ""I want you to call me tonight or tomorrow morning" ""and let me know about your condition." ""If it improves, then, you know, we'II start the case with you again tomorrow." "If not, then I guess I'II have to excuse you from the case."" "And as he's writing that number down," "I'm like, "Don't give me a choice, dude," ""because I'm never going to call you." ""You know, I'm just going to call you to be like," ""My asshole blew up the moment I walked out of-- out of the courtroom and shit."" "So he gives me the number." "I say, "Thank you, Your Honor."" "So I get an appointment for a proctologist." "finally I break down and do it." "And, um, go in, and the first thing I notice in the office is that I am the youngest person there by 60 years." "I am surrounded by a sea of old men and shit who are in the deep, deep, deep twilight of their years." "You know, basically ten minutes from the fucking grave." "And all looking at me like, "What are you doing here?" "You look pretty young and shit."" "And I'm real nervous and tight about going in, 'cause I'm just, you know, I don't like going to doctors," "like most people don't." "But I really don't like going because I don't like people looking at my dick except my wife, and she won't look at it." "The irony is the dude that will look at it," "I don't want him to see it 'cause I don't want him looking at me, going like, "You call that a dick?" "Look how small it is."" "So I'm sitting in the office, the doctor's office waiting room, terrified and shit." "And I Iook over, and I see Sidney Poitier sitting there." "Mr. Fucking Tibbs, you know?" "And suddenly I felt a little better." "I was just like, "If this doctor's good enough for Sidney fucking Poitier, maybe I can trust this guy."" "It was fucked up." "I almost wanted to go over and be like, "Dude, you were in Sneakers, man." "What's up with your asshole?"" "And the doctor comes out to get him." "He's like, "Sidney."" "And he comes out, and the dude's kind of older." "Looks like he's about 70 or something, white hair." "definitely not in my demographic because that's the other thing I'm worried about." "I'm always worried that I'm going to go into a doctor's office where the doctor's like, "Hey, silent Bob."" "And then fucking does an examination and then goes out into the world." "He's like, "Do you know silent Bob's dick is so fucking small?" ""I couId barely see that shit with that little doctor thing in my eye."" "So I see the old guy come out." "I'm like, "Right on." "This dude ain't gonna know me from fucking Adam," ""so I don't care if he's looking at my asshole or seeing me with my pants off."" "The nurse goes, "Mr. Smith, we're ready for you."" "I was like, "Right on." She takes me in another door." "I sit in the room, as well as I can." "And the doctor comes in, and he doesn't look up right away." "But the thing that I see immediately is he's not the other doctor that was Sidney Poitier's doctor." "presumably, that guy has his fingers in Sidney Poitier as I'm sitting there." "This is another guy who looks like he's about 39, 41 ." "So he comes in with his clipboard." "He's like, "Okay, Mr. Smith, how-- how are we doing today?"" "And I know that look, man." "'Cause I see it a Iot in my Iife." "And it's the look that says, "It's silent Bob."" "And I was like, "Fuck, I just got made, man." ""And he's gonna see my dick." "And I'm in rectal pain." "And fucking, this couldn't be fucking worse."" "And he's like, "well, how are we feeling?"" "I said, "I'II be honest with you, man." "I just" " I'm in pain, dude." "Something happened back there."" "I said, "I get hemorrhoids a Iot." ""It felt like maybe a hemorrhoid blew up or something like that." ""I know there's blood, and it just feels" "like somebody's sticking a knife up my ass."" "And he's like, "well, Iet's get you on the table and check it out."" "So he puts me up on the table." "He's like, "You can take your pants off."" "And gives me a little dressing gown to put on." "And he's like, "Now, I just need you to lay on your side."" "I lay down." "I'm on my side and shit." "And he puts on the gloves." "And I'm like, "I can't imagine anything going near or in my asshole at this point."" "I can't imagine." "I'm not one of those guys who's like, "I don't want shit in my asshole."" "I've had a finger or two up my asshole." "At this point in time, nothing." "Don't want nothing." "Not even if they're like, "This is the cure for fat." "Just let me stick it up your ass..."" "[laughter, applause]" ""And you will be a thin person forever."" "I'd be like, "I'm sorry, not now."" "You know? "One chance only."" ""Fuck it, I'II be fat." "Get it away from me."" "So, the dude-- Like, I'm laying on my side." "I feel the dude lift up my ass cheek." "But it's two attempts." "One with one hand... and then the second hand comes into play." "And I can't see him, but it feels like a reaI" "You know?" "Two hands to lift one cheek." "And I'm bracing myself, dude." "I'm holding on to the table, digging in with my nails, waiting for the fucking-- where I'm just going to fly off the fucking table and shit." "And suddenly he just lets my asshoIe-- my cheek down." "My asshole closes again." "He's like, "Okay, we're done."" "And I was like, "You're kidding me." "Like, really?" "I'm fixed?"" "He's like, "Oh, no." "You're not fixed."" "I was like, "But you don't have to do anything, probe any deeper?"" "He's just like, "No." "I couldn't do that right now." "You'd leap off the table."" "I was like, "That's what I was thinking."" "I was like, "What's going on back there?"" "He says, "Very simple." "You have an anal fissure."" "And I was like, "What is that, man?"" "And he's just like, "Ah, it's a cut in your sphincter."" "I was like, "Jesus Christ, how did that happen?"" "And he's like, "I don't know." "How did it happen?"" "I was like, "I don't know, dude."" "He's like, "Ah, it could come from any number of things."" "He's going, "It looks like you strain a Iot" ""while going to the bathroom." "You might have broken a hemorrhoid open or something."" "He's like, "It's very common." "If you're sitting in a room," "I was like, "Get out of here." He's like, "Oh, totally."" ""well, how come fucking nobody ever says 'Ow, my ass hurts!" "'?"" "He's like, "Because it's, you know, it's the rectum, and people don't really like talking about sphincter problems and shit."" "And he's a doctor, but I couId tell he was digging on the fact that I speak very coIIoquiaIIy." "Like, you know, I'm busting-- I say shit, I say ass, I say fuck." "And you could tell he likes being a little naughty." "Like, normally he gets old fuckers in there and shit." "They're like, "My prostate hurts" and shit." "And he's finally got somebody around his age whose work he knows, obviously, based on our exchanged look." "And he's clearly like, fucking digging on the fact." "He's like, "people aren't around?" "Fuck!"" "You know, just Iike" "Likes talking like a grownup for a change." "And I was like, "What do you do for this sort of thing?"" "And he's just like, "Um..." ""there's really not much." ""It's the kind of thing that has to heal itself." "I'm going to prescribe a couple things to you."" "And I was like, "well, why does it hurt so much?" "Why does it hurt after I shit?"" "And he's like, "well, you see," ""what you got here is a situation" ""where you've got a cut in your sphincter." ""It's obviously climbing up deeper than what I can see on the surface." ""I'm seeing the opening here, but it probably travels up a bit more."" "He's going, "And, um, as you-- as you void your boweIs--"" "And I was like, "Shit?" He was like, "As you shit,"" "he's going, "It's moving past the scar," ""but that's affecting the scar." ""But in the moment you don't feel it." "You're feeling the after-effects."" "He's going, "Because your whole sphincter and colon are spasming to kind of protect the wound."" "And I'm like, "I don't quite understand that."" "He's like, "Think about it like this." ""If I took your hand and I cut you with a razor," ""the first thing you would do is clutch it to your body." "You know, to put pressure on the wound."" "He's going, "That's what your colon and sphincter are doing right now." ""You've got a cut, and something runs across it" ""or rubs it the wrong way." "It's tensing up." "" And it's problematic" ""because it's an involuntary tension." ""You have no control over it." "And it will keep doing it." "It's like make a fist and keep making the fist until your fist bleeds."" "He's going, "That's what's going on down there right now."" "And I was like, "That is so fucked up."" "He's like, "Yeah, it's not pleasant."" "I said, "But wait a second, dude." ""Like, if I've got an open wound in my ass, isn't that-- how fucking unhygienic is that?"" "I was going, "Because I've got an open cut, and shit is going past the open cut."" "And he's just like, "well, that's something where you might not know this but,"" "he's going, "shit doesn't have nearly the amount of bacteria in it that the human mouth has."" "He's going, "Your saliva is more viral than your feces before it leaves your body."" "I was like, "Get out of here." He's like, "It's true."" "He's going, "If I cut your hand with a razor-- "" "And I was like, "This dude loves the razor-cutting metaphor."" "He's like, "If I cut your hand with a razor," ""and you licked it, you know, sucked on the wound," ""um, it wouId be a higher chance of infection than if you took shit and rubbed it into the wound."" "And I was like, "Get out of here."" "He's like, "It's absolutely true."" "He's like, "Your mouth is far more viral." "It has far more germs in it than your feces has."" "And I was like, "But I've always heard that, Iike, a dog's mouth was cleaner than a human's mouth."" "And he's like, "Uh-huh."" "I was like, "But a dog licks his asshole." "Is that why?"" "And the doctor's looking at me like," ""Uh, I don't even know how to respond to that."" "He was like, "I don't think one has to do anything with the other, Mr. Smith."" "And I was like, "Right on." "I was just kind of spitbaIIing."" "I said, "What do we do next?"" "He's like, "well, I'm going to give you two creams," ""prescribe you a couple creams right now." ""You're gonna use them." "One's topical." ""And one you can kind of push in" ""as much as you can and stuff." ""One you do three times a day, one you do when the pain is bad."" "The pain one is a dulling agent where it kind of-- it will put your asshole to sleep." "And you could tell he loved saying "asshole."" "Like, he's Dr. asshole." "That's his job-- to deal with assholes." "And in his office all day, he never gets to say "asshole."" "AII he says is, "rectal," "colon," "sphincter."" "But finally, here was somebody he could be like," ""Rub it in your asshole, dude."" "Just really let his hair down and shit." "So he's like, "You're gonna rub it on your asshole when you're feeling a little pain, and the shit will dull the ring."" "He's going, "unfortunately," ""this one's topical, so if the cut" ""if the fissure is running way up," ""you're not going to be able to dull that." "You're still going to feel that."" "And I was like, "Am I still going to feel it whenever I take a shit?"" "He's going, "Afterwards, it's really going to hurt you."" "I said, "I've been averaging about three, four hours of being completely down after I take a shit."" "He's like, "That's not going to get any better." "But you use this cream, and it's definitely going to help."" "I said, "What am I looking at?"" "He's like, "This cream, you put on the perianal area."" "He's like, "Use this." ""In about four weeks, you're going to feel 50% better."" "And I was like, "What?" "Where do you pull those numbers from, man?" ""Those are bad numbers." "What do you mean four weeks, 50% better and shit?"" "He's like, "Yeah." "It's pretty much how it works." "These things, they just have to heal themselves."" "He's going, "I couId go in there and sew you up, but you really don't want that."" "And I was like, "But four weeks, 50% better, man?" ""Where's fucking-- Where's Star Trek, dude?" ""Where's Bones McCoy?" ""I saw fucking Star Trek.:" "The Voyage Home and shit," ""and he was in an elevator with a sick person," ""and the person was dying." ""He put a little wavy wand over him" ""with the lights on it and went 'Boop', and the dude was fucking healed and shit."" "I was like, "You're telling me" "Granted I know we can't do that shit" ""where you could fucking heal me with a wavy wand," ""and I can go out and shoot KIingons-- but you can't" ""The best you can do for me is a cream where in four weeks I'm going to feel 50% better?"" "He's like, "That's the way it is." "Just rest, try not to fool with that area too much."" "I'm like, "What are you implying?"" "So I went home, started rubbing the fucking cream in, and I'II be damned if he wasn't right." "It took me four fucking weeks to feel fucking whole again, man." "And that was just whole enough to kind of not lay on my stomach anymore." "And it's stiII" "Now I'm fucking real, real careful around that are." "Because I used to be a real haphazard wiper, man." "Not thinking twice about it." "Sometimes I'd be wiping my ass, toilet paper would break, fucking nails would cut into me and shit." "I'd be like, "Whatever," you know." "My asshole's tempered in steel."" "Now it is the most delicate area of my fucking body, man." "I used to be a big fan of anal and shit." "Not pressing it, but laying a chick who's willing to give it up, I'm like, "Right on."" "I won't go near a chick's asshole anymore, man, except to rim job." "But I won't try to stick my dick in because it fucking hurts, dude." "It hurts when you've got a cut on the outside of your asshole." "I can't imagine what it feels Iike-- whole fucking cock running up there and shit." "It was crazy." "I Iearned a Iot in that day." "And what I Iearned, the most important lesson of my Iife" "If you don't have good rectal health, you've got dog shit, nothing." "Thank you all for coming out." "Good night!" "Hey, it's me." "Just in case you didn't get enough of me over the course of nearly four hours." "What a show, huh?" "Boy, can I sweat." "A Iot." "See those sweat stain marks and stuff." "That's what they used to call me in high schooI" ""Hey, Sweat Stain."" "And it was a grade up from "Hey, Fat Ass," "Lard Fuck,"" ""Huge balls," which I thought was complimentary for a while, but apparently not." ""FOP" they'd call me a Iot." ""Fat Overweight Penis."" "I thought" " At first I was like, "I'm foppish." "AII right, I'II take that." "Like the British."" "And they're like, "No." "It means 'Fat Overweight Penis."'" "I was like, "Thanks." "A Iot."" "Speaking of thanks, this is the part of the show" "well, the show's over." "The P.S. of the show where I would Iike to thank a few people, which I never get a chance to do." "usually, by the time the show's over," "I'm like, "Fuck you." "Good night."" "Or I'm just tired." "I don't want to thank anybody." "I'm done talking." "I've shot my wad." "I've got nothing left to say." "But apparently, based on this, I still have things left to say." "although, to be fair, it's months later." "Months after that fucking show, man." "Back in Los angeles, kickin' at home." "Not in Jersey in the cold, coId" "It would be cold right now." "Where I am-- not so bad." "But anyway, enough about me." "Some thanks." "I want to thank everybody who came out to the show." "Without you we wouldn't have had an audience and whatnot." "And for the astute viewer" "well, maybe not for the astute viewer." "For the non-astute viewer, if you're watching those crowd scenes, you see a Iot of empty seats-- because it said "sold out" on the marquee." "And you're like, "How could it be sold out?" "Look at all those empty seats."" "The astute viewer would realize those empty seats are the people that are lined up, waiting to ask questions." "So if someone on the IMDB message board is like, "hardly sold out."" "You can get in there and be like, "Fuck you." "Get a life." "Get some pussy." "You won't worry about inane details like this."" "So thank you for the audience." "Thank you to the audience for showing up." "Thanks to Jen and harley for introducing me." "Thanks to Zak and Joey who shot the whole thing, put it all together and made me look thin, from what I understand." "Very thin." "They were in post." "I was like, "Can you make me look thin?"" "And they just cranked an anamorphic thing on it, and suddenly I Iook like fucking Scott Mosier-- all thin and whatnot with a Iong neck." "I Iook like the alien from Close Encounters coming out." "Be good." "I know that was the other movie, but you get the idea." "Thanks to the Weinstein Company for ponying up the dough to do it." "It was really awfully sweet of them because that meant somebody essentially paid for my birthday party." "That was my birthday party." "How strange." "Most people go out, do a bunch of coke off a hooker's ass." "Not me." "I got up on stage for four hours, sweated balls, talked about my dick and my ripped asshole, which, if you're still curious, is okay, but it's left a mark." "There's a ripple effect going on there." "A Iot of extra skin, Iike scar tissue." "I can't see because, you know, "A", I can't see, but "B", even if I sat over a mirror and whatnot," "I only have two hands and there are about 19 rolls that I'd have to clear, so I still can't see my asshole." "But in my mind's eye when I feel it and touch it, when I'm like... it feels like there's some weird scar tissue." "feels like I got a set of nuts in my ass, to be honest with you." "But whatever." "But the biggest thanks of all go out to the good folks at Panasonic, particularly my main man Ed Janda, the guy who got us all the equipment to shoot the show." "So a big thanks to them." "If you want to thank them in your own personal way, go out and buy a shitload of Panasonic products, man." "They're all fine products." "Made by the Asians, right?" "So they're way better than anything you can fucking find in this country, I assure you." "They know how to make a fucking camera over there and whatnot." "And Ed Janda's the man who gave us the hook-up, so big props to Ed Janda." "And then I'd Iike to just thank all the little people, which I don't mean in a condescending way." "I mean because everybody compared to me is little because they're all thinner and whatnot." "So I thank them all for making me feel bad about myself every morning I get up." "If it was a world of fat people, I'd fit right in." "I'd feel normal." "But because of the little people, it makes me feel insecure." "It makes me feel like I gotta fucking" "I gotta measure up somehow." "It drives me." "It pushes me and whatnot." "So at night it makes me sleep in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, going, "Why?" "Why do I have a fat gene?"" "But in the morning, it makes me get up and do a hard day's work, which, as you could see, is just me standing on stage going like, "I met Bruce willis."" "So there it is, man." "Thanks for watching." "Thanks to all the people I mentioned." "GaiI stanley, who runs my Iife." "My mom, who gave birth to me and was there." "My brother, who I share a birthday with." "The dogs, who didn't come, but I might be sitting around watching this-- because I kick back and watch myself on TV all the time" "I know you're laughing, but it's fucking true." "And I might be watching, and the dogs might hear all these names but not hear their own, so I throw" "MuIder and ScuIIy-- those are my dogs' names." "A little gay, but whatever." "Louis, Shecky." "Thanks for Shecky, who gave me an hour-Iong fucking story." "That dog was worth the price of admission just because I got that fucking huge" ""that little dog got fucked" story." "So, thanks to everybody and we'II see you on Evening with Kevin Smith iv." "Ten hours." "It's going to look Iike-- come in a suitcase like that." "Fucking" " What is it called?" "Blade Runner, the ridley Scott Definitive disc." "Comes in a little fucking suitcase and shit." "A vaIise, if you will." "subtitled By J.R. Media Services, Inc." "Burbank, CA" "Shecky wanted to say good-bye." ""Bye." "Bye." "My pussy's gaping."" "Wanna see it?" "Check it out, man." "Look at that shit." "Huge." "Fat puss." "Watch her do a dance." "I'm telling you, man." "Get a wiener dog." "They're awesome."