"All right, Manger Babies." "We are on right after the weather report." "So, if anyone has to go to the bathroom, tell me now." "Well, it looks like that storm brewing in Big Bend will miss Heimlich County... and plant a big sloppy kiss on the Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex." " Sorry, Big D." " Thanks, Nancy." "On a personal note, I will be on vacation next week." "So, Nancy, I'd like to be the first to wish you a happy 40th birthday." "Why, thank you, Berle." "For 40-year-old Nancy Hicks Gribble on weather and Don Ringle on sports... this is Berle Arlington bidding you... good night and God bless." "And clear." "Hey, beautiful!" "Prepare yourself to be whisked, as in olé." "I am taking you to the La Grunta Resort for a birthday weekend you will not forget." "I think I'd rather celebrate my birthday quietly at home." "Too late." "Your credit card is already billed." "Now, let's go pamper you." "DALE:" "The odd thing is I hate dirt, but I love mud." "It's hailing!" "I've got to get back to the station." "This is sweeps-worthy weather." "Our Weather Watcher in Rumpert says the hail is now dodge-ball size." "We gotta go live!" "You okay?" "You, puppet girl, can you read?" ""And the National Weather Service predicts the storm will..."" "Slow down!" "The words are going too fast." "Damn it." "She's wearing blue." "...for two more days before finally clearing." "It's a good color on her." "Anyways, it's going to keep raining and hailing and thundering and lightning-ing... for a while." "So, hug your babies tight." "LUANNE:" "And back to you, Mr. Arlington." "BERLE:" "Call me Berle." "LUANNE:" "Berle." "I got here as fast as I could, Tom." "I am ready to go on." "Hey, Nancy, we are going to shake things up a little." "I am making you the late night weekend weather girl." "Luanne is going to take over the morning weather slot." "I used to think these lines gave me integrity as a weather journalist." "But who am I kidding?" "They are just wrinkles." "I blame the mirror." "I've seen a mirror turn an ordinary man 10 feet tall." "And another turn the same man 3 feet short." "That man was me." "I am getting old, Dale." "And I am in a younger, prettier business." "Oh, God!" "I need a face-lift or a time machine." "And your smoking is not helping." "Cigarettes are hell on skin." "You know I can't quit." "What do you think, Dr. Mark Seldon?" "Can you take care of my baby?" "Absolutely." "I am very good." "I just want to look like me, 20 years ago." "What's this face-ectomy going to run us?" "$5,000." "It will take us 20 years to save that kind of money." "And then you will have to make her look 40 years younger." "And we'll never be able to afford that!" "Why would Nancy want a face-lift?" "There's nothing wrong with the face God gave her." "I am with you." "But my baby gets what my baby wants." "There is no procedure, however gruesome, I could ever deny her." "How're you gonna pay for it?" "Are you taking Dale's Dead Bug public?" "Good idea." "But nope." "I filed a $5,000-dollar suit in small-claims court... against one Reynolds Penland, Chairman and CEO... of the Manitoba Tobacco Corporation." "I will allege the second-hand smoke from his fine product has wrinkled my wife... jeopardizing her job because she is unattractive to weather-watchers... and her marriage because she is unattractive to me." "You know, who you ought to be suing is the Arlen school system." "How one of their graduates could come up with a plan this dumb is beyond me." "No." "My plan is brilliant." "I could be suing those cigarette moguls for billions." "They will never show up in court to save a measly five large." "They pee wine that costs more than that." " I will get a default judgment." " Brilliant." "Four, three, two, one." "9:00 a.m. On the dot and the dastardly coward didn't show." "I will just take my money now and skedaddle." "Oh, poo!" "Your Honor, I am Jeremy Toblik... lead counsel for the Manitoba Tobacco Corporation... and its CEO, Reynolds Penland." "It appears this case has been removed to Federal District Court across the street." "Where they will write my check?" "Mr. Gribble, the Manitoba Tobacco Corporation has just counter-sued you... for $1.3 million dollars." "Have a nice day in court." "You weren't supposed to show up!" "PENLAND:" "Don't underestimate this guy." "He's the only customer in our database... who has earned every single item in our gift catalog." "You've got to smoke 90,000 cigarettes just to get the satineen jacket." "Now, let's be honest." "He should be dead by now." "I am not putting you on the stand." "Don't worry." "We are placing Gribble under electronic surveillance." "Observation." "Best-case scenario, we catch Gribble playing lovey-dovey with his wife... and destroy his credibility." " I don't want to know about this." " It can't be traced back to you." "We hired a local P.I. And we are paying him out of our snack-cake division." "[Dale panting heavily]" "The lawyers subpoenaed my records." "That's the first step." "The second step will be to kidnap everyone I've ever known... and erase their memories." "The third step will be to kill me!" "Dale, they are suing you." "They are not gonna kill you." "Wake up, Hank!" "These people kill 400,000 of their own satisfied customers every year!" "Dale, do yourself a favor and just drop the case." "Maybe they will go easy on you." "How do you know maybe they will go easy on me?" "They got to you, didn't they, Hank Hill?" "Or should I say, Reynolds Penland?" "Peel off your fake face, Penland." "Come on, peel it off." "Like this." "From the bottom up." "Penland, you just bought yourself an assault charge." " Dale Gribble?" " Yes!" " Got a package for you." " Goody-goody." "What'd I get?" "It's Smoking Sammy Salmon, the singing Manitoba fish." "This is a corporate Christmas present not available to the public." "Enjoy." "Look, Nancy!" "It's Smoking Sammy Salmon, the singing Manitoba fish." "Wow!" "Luanne is one hot fudge sundae with two big scoops." "Wait!" "This will cheer you up." "LUANNE:" "It's the five-day forecast." "[Singing] Manitoba is the brand to smoke" "You'll enjoy it toke for toke" "Don't worry" "Keep smoking" "A bug!" "A grotesque, flying water beetle." "Will you excuse me, Nancy?" "They are bugging me!" "My God!" "I can't!" "Dale!" "Come in." "I was just, you know, drinking beer." "What?" " I am being bugged." " What?" "I am being bugged!" "By the Manitoba Tobacco Corporation." "Was it like when the Norwegian Secret Police planted a bug in your person?" "No." "These guys are amateurs to be trifled with." "In the spirit of aikido..." "I will turn their bug against them... and feed it a steady diet of strategic disinformation... i.e., I will insult Nancy's appearance so convincingly... they will offer me a large out-of-court settlement." "I get it." "And Nancy will pretend to cry." "No." "No pretending." "Nancy's a terrible actress." "Remember how her Eliza Doolittle "did little" for the critics?" "For my insults to be effective, Nancy must remain completely in the dark... her reactions real and unscripted, like a Dean Martin roast." "I got a new dress for work today." "Baby." "Come here and let me get a good look at you." " I love the dress." "But what's with the face?" " What?" "I am just saying you might want to get a skycap to help you... with those bags under your eyes." "DALE:" "Nancy, dearest, your smoke-ravaged face is making me nauseous." "Would you mind putting this Kroger bag over your head so I can make love to you?" "NANCY:" "Get out!" "The man's an animal." "The only person the jury's going to hate more than him is me." "I don't know how much more of this I can take." "When he's not coming up with a new way to tell me I am ugly... he's talking about how much money he's going to make off of my disfigurement." "You are not disfigured." "You are very pretty." "Hank, tell her how pretty she is." "Well, you've got beautiful eyes, and a great figure, and you got..." "Thank you, Hank." "That's more than enough." "Hi, everybody." "Wow!" "Mrs. Gribble, you look terrible." "Here." "Try this new moisturizing cream." "I use it on days when I don't look my best." "It's not even opened." "She sure looks tired." "Yes." "But still doable." "If I am going to win this thing, I've got to bump it up a notch." "Nancy is highly allergic to lemon." " Bill, hand me a..." " Lemon?" "Yes." "NANCY:" "Oh, my God!" "And as we move west toward El Paso, watch out for high winds." "So, ladies, if you've just done your hair, you'd better beware." "I just came to support Mrs. Gribble and to give her some more make-ups." " You sabotaged my face!" " What?" " Look at me!" " Good God." "Now, Manitoba Cigarettes have cost you your job, too?" "Tom the station manager said... he didn't want to see my ugly face anymore!" "So, now nobody wants to see your ugly face." "That is it!" "I don't deserve this." "You used to be a kind, loving man." "And now you are a foul-mouthed monster!" " Yeah, yeah." "Go on." " Don't you touch me!" "It's over." "I am leaving you." "My horrifyingly grotesque wife is leaving me because of my... smoking." "Dale, I've tried real hard to stay out of your relationship." "But your relationship just moved into my house and won't stop crying." "Drop the suit and apologize before it's too late." "Man, you are a little-picture guy." "Once I win and Nancy gets her face-lift... everything will be as smooth as her new skin." "[Singing] Beef-A-Roni's fun to eat" "Beef-A-Roni's really neat" "Beef-A-Roni's quite a treat" " Hooray!" " Yippee!" "For Beef-A-Roni" "I can't take it anymore!" "Nancy's gone!" "She is gone and it's breaking my heart." " She's coming back." " No." "No, she's not!" "You are living a lie." "She's never coming back!" "They never ever do!" "You think they will but they won't." "Bill, you are scaring me." "Weren't we just having fun?" "Yes." "Believe me, I want you to get a divorce." "That way you will be here all the time." "Secretly, I was happy your stupid plan backfired... so that I wouldn't be alone anymore, but this isn't right." "Go back to your wife!" "Here!" "Take the money!" "And go, go on!" "Get back out the door and get out of here!" "Get out!" "Hank, maybe I should talk to Nancy for just a moment." "She doesn't want to talk to you." "You broke her heart, Dale." "Tell her I just want to tell her I am sorry... and if she will let me talk to her, I will tell her myself." "Tell her." "I will do my best." "But it's not going to be an easy sell." "HANK:" "Nancy?" "NANCY:" "Make him go away." "No sale." "I need my Nancy!" "She won't talk to me." "What am I going to do?" "Wait." "I know what I am going to do." "All right, brain trust." "The trial's tomorrow." "Don't play patty cake with me." "Could we lose this thing?" "We erased the tapes, so they can't hurt us." "But the love affair between juries and tobacco companies has cooled." "Could we lose this thing?" "TOBLIK:" "Yes." " Are you Nancy Hicks Gribble?" " Yes." "It's a subpoena." "Now Dale is dragging me into court to humiliate me publicly." "I can't get involved." "Good day, madam." "It's a legitimate offer." "Why couldn't he just..." " Mr. Gribble, I am Reynolds Penland." " Wait." "If you're here, who's that?" "Gribble, I am offering you the deal of the century." "$75,000." "In return, we accept no liability and you keep your mouth shut." "You have no idea who you're up against... if you think I can begin to keep my mouth shut." "I don't want your chump change." "I am going for the big prize." "Mr. Gribble, again I say this not only as an officer of the court... but as a caring human being." "Please do not represent yourself." "May I continue?" " Legally I cannot stop you." " Thank you, Your Honor." "Mr. Gribble, I hold in my hand..." "People Magazine's Fifty Most Beautiful People issue." "Are you familiar with this Time Warner publication?" "No." "May I remind you that you are under oath?" "And the subscription label on this magazine... bears the name of your optometrist." "I will ask you again." "Are you familiar with this Time Warner publication?" "Possibly." "Objection." "How is this relevant?" "Your Honor, I intend to establish... the witness's impossibly high standard of beauty." "I will allow it." "But I want to see where this is going." "Sit still and get on with it." "Thank you, Your Honor." "Mr. Gribble, referring to Page 16... in this magazine... can you identify the individual picture thereon?" "Jennifer Aniston." "Do you or do you not find her beautiful?" "The really hot girl next door?" "Yeah." "Beautiful, no." "Page 19, Denise Richards." "I cannot get past her wretched acting to see any beauty." "Mira Sorvino, Mina Suvari, Chloe Sevigny?" "Speak English, please." "Cindy Crawford?" "Mole!" "Very well then." "Julia Roberts." ""A horse is a horse, of course, of course."" "You are telling this court under oath... that you find none of these women beautiful?" "Are you a homosexual?" "No!" "You cannot have it both ways, Mr. Gribble." "Either you are a homosexual... or the most beautiful woman in the world is in this magazine!" "The most beautiful woman in the world is in this courtroom." "Not you." "The prettier woman next to you." "Would the woman in the sunglasses and hat... please remove her sunglasses and hat?" "Do you know this woman?" "She is my wife." "She is my lover." "She is the mother of my child." "She is my raison d'étre." "But is she beautiful?" "Now where is he going with this?" "Your Honor, please direct the witness to answer the question." "Let me remind the witness and his attorney... that the entire basis of his damage claim rests upon his wife's appearance." "One of you answer the question!" "She is the most beautiful woman in the world to me." "And I want her back more than anything." "If anything, I owe Manitoba money for the loveliness... my second-hand smoke has bestowed upon my Nancy." "She thinks she needs a face-lift." "But it couldn't be further from the truth." "Your Honor, the defense moves for dismissal!" "Case dismissed." "Now, all of you, get the hell out of my courtroom." "I am so sorry, Nancy." "I just wanted to make you believe you were ugly... so if you testified you wouldn't have to lie." "That's so romantic." "It's romantic and cunning." "I am the whole package." "Will you forgive me?" "Cock-a-doodle-doo, Heimlich County." "Nothing but blue skies ahead." "There, I signed your wife's new contract." "And I said I was sorry." "Now, are you going to drop... that age-discrimination suit against the station?" "Not so fast, Hollywood." "What's in it for me?" "What do you want?" "I don't know." "I hadn't thought about it." "File cabinet." "Get him a file cabinet." "I should have asked for a weather chopper." "DALE:" "Weather chopper!" "And a file cabinet." "LUANNE:" "Hug your babies tight."