"Hey, diary." "I'm so tired." "Even my boobs are tired." "I've been double bra-ing." "It's Kendall." "Okay, I don't care if she's dating Richard." "All I care about is that she's a workaholic!" "And she's so bossy." "All week, she's made me work my ass off." "Although, ironically, it's still the same size." "But I got to forget about all that because this weekend, for the first time ever," "Princess Warrior" convention." "What's "Murna"?" "Uh, only the greatest female-warrior TV show from 1997 to 2004!" "When the girls and I got our tickets, we through the three classic stages of fandom... screaming... canonical arguing..." "The line is, "I ate his heart in a sumptuous stew of dragon wings."" "How could he eat dragon wings if he was in the lower plateaus of the rabbit people where dragons have feared to tread for millennia?" "!" " No!" " And bingeing." "What do you say... one more box set?" "Yeah." "Bring it on." "It's gonna be the most super fun weekend ever!" "See, I can't stop smiling about it." "I c... oh." "Hello?" "Oh, hi, Kendall." "Well, tomorrow is actually a Saturday, so I was going to a TV fan convention." "I'm not?" "Well, I'm pretty sure I am because I already got the ticket." "O... oh, okay." "See you tomorrow." "Uh, unless you're dressed as Murna from episode 87 where she passes through the Midorian time portal and transforms into a lady civil-rights lawyer, you're not ready." "I have to go to work." "What?" "!" "Look..." "I already know what you guys are gonna say." "So to save time, I just said it to myself." ""Way uncool, Kim-poster."" ""But I already made pre-prepared snack packs."" " Gosh, are we really that predictable?" " No!" "But I did already make pre-prepared snack packs." "This is that Kendall, isn't it?" "Man, you just say the word, Kimster, and I will Tonya Harding those luscious legs." "Can't you just tell her you're not coming?" "No, she's more senior than me." "I learned in my assertiveness training class that when you have a problem with someone, the first thing you do is write down everything you want to say in a letter." "Hey, why did you stop going to that class?" "My teacher committed suicide." "You know what?" "I have worked till 3:00 A.M. three nights this week!" "So I'm gonna march into that office and tell Kendall, "you can s... st..."" "Well, I..." "I haven't quite worked out the words, but I am gonna tell her I need a break, and then I will meet you guys at the convention." " Yeah!" " Yeah!" " Yeah!" "Yeah!" " All right!" "Kimmie, Kimmie!" "Kimmie, Kimmie!" "Kimmie!" "Kimmie!" "She can do it!" "She can do it!" "She can do it!" "She can do it!" " Oh, yeah!" "Yeah!" " What?" "!" "Yeah, yeah!" " Yeah, she's not coming." " No." "Okay." "We have a lot to do, so let's get started." "These are the files for the Dietzen patent case." "Kimmie, what is that on your face?" "Um, I think I'm coming down with the plague." "I feel your pandemic is crayola-based." "I'll take my chances." ""And so I am writing you this letter, Kendall, to say that while your hair may look like a butterscotch waterfall, that doesn't give you the right to push people around!" "Maybe..."" ""... if you were nicer to people, you would have some friends."" ""Also, while I have your attention, the janitor has been using your computer to watch porn."" "What are you guys doing?" " What's going on?" " Uh, this is called revenge, cyber-style." "Yeah, you see that?" "That's the ice queen." "She's making ice." "She'd be so rich if she could do that." "Is that supposed to be me?" "You know, if you all actually spent more time working and less time on this nonsense, maybe we wouldn't have to work weekends." "Has anyone ever thought of that?" "!" " This one's in Sanskrit." " Calling all gladiators!" "You know, a crossbow is going there." "Calling all gladiators!" "It's all here... the dwarf-dancing squad, the dragon's-blood dunk tank, the Society for the Preservation of the art of the Hippogriff!" "Oh, I'm gonna get in line to meet Murna." "You guys want to come?" "Um, we're thinking of getting something to eat first." "Benji, we're Triangulus, the three-headed dragon." "Each head only says one word." "One word, one head." "We're not talking string theory here." "Just get with the program, dude!" "I'm sorry!" "We..." "Are..." "Triangulus." "We..." "Want..." "Corn dogs?" "Oh, I don't have time for this." "Get out of my way." "Come on." "No way, Quinn." "You are not doing this." "You have not cried since 10th grade when Bethenny got leukemia  and then got a bigger page in the yearbook." "Hi, daddy!" "How are you?" "How's Mykonos?" "N... no, nothing's wrong." "I was just, um... uh, some of the staff were just, um, passing around this mean thing about me." "The people here just assume that I'm, um..." "What?" "Uh, no, I'm not." "Daddy, I am not crying." "Yes, I know." "Quinns don't cry." "Unless it's to emotionally manipulate a competitor or spouse." "I know, daddy, but, um  the thing is that..." "Okay." "Bye." "Who's there?" "Kimmie, were you spying on me?" " And why do you have a fork?" " I was just..." "Eating some cake in the stall." "It's a judgment-free zone." "Are you okay?" "Yes!" "Next." "Greetings to you." "I am Broffo the Wee." "I'm a bard." "Would you care for a tale?" "No, thanks." "I just want to meet Murna." "Then a tale you shall have." "Are you sure you're okay?" "Go away!" "I can smell your gluten breath from here!" "You know, people laugh at me all the time." "The way I walk, the way I power-walk... the way I hit myself in the face with straws." "So if you ever need someone to talk to..." "Oh, God, Kimmie." "Okay, stop." "I don't need your pity." "I know that people don't like me here because I am talented and beautiful." " And modest." " Thank you." "I don't have any friends." "And I'm fine with that." "That's not true." "You have lots of friends." "Like who?" "Alex." "No." "Alex smells like strippers." "Who else?" "Well..." "I could be your friend, Kendall." "Do you want to get a drink?" "Yes." "Actually worked out a way to get free sodas from the vending machine by tilting it." "It's a two-person job, but I could stand on your shoulders." "No, Kimmie, I mean, let's you and I go out to a bar right now and get drinks." "Well, if you're letting me off early," "I'd love to go to this thing with my friends." "Okay." "Forget I said anything." "But I don't need to go to my fantasy convention where dreams come true and churros are plentiful." "I'd much rather... go for a drink with you." "Really?" "Okay, great!" "Let's go!" "You might want to put some makeup on first, though." "What about everybody else?" "Everybody else can stay here and suck it." "Thank you, princess." "Go with Glorg." "Next." "Thank you." "Okay." "I will." "Thanks." "I..." "I..." "Marika." "Hey, hey!" "This Manhattan tastes like Queens." "Make it again." "For free!" "Oh, Kimmie, I wasn't always a hard-ass." "I mean, I've always been toned, but I wasn't always mean." "Once upon a time, there was a nice girl named Kendall." "Hey, babe." "I finished washing up all your jeans." "And I picked all of the cashews out of the granola like you like it." "Aww, thanks, babe." "Listen, you know nobody's looking forward to our wedding as much as I am, but..." "I had a thought." "A polyamorous, three-way relationship... you, me... and Jeff." "I'm in." "No!" "Cool." "Yeah, Jeff predicted that you'd say this." "We're leaving you." "And that is how I learned that being nice doesn't get you anything." "Plus, I discovered that the energy you put into being mean burns more calories, so..." ""They've closed the entrance gates." "Murnabration is at maximum capacity!" "Sorry!"" "You know what, Kendall?" "Maybe I will have a shot... or six." "Yes!" "Finally!" "Hey, server, get this girl started with a flaming diabetic!" "I waited 16 years to tell her what she means to me, and now I blew it." "I'll never get to tell her how I feel." ""I Marika"?" "Not even "I am Marika."" "I the worst." "No, you're not the worst." "You were just nervous and stilted and weird." " Perhaps..." " You..." "Guys, I don't think she's into it anymore." "I just wanted to tell her how she inspired me to start that girls' football team when they wouldn't let me on the boys' team, how I used to dream that one day, we'd play those boys," "and then during the game, Murna would appear, run down the field, and I'd throw her the winning touchdown." "Well, I'll catch up with you guys later." "Marika." " Cheers." " To new friend." "You are not the only one who's had boy problems." "Really?" "The man pony that I used to ride in college..." "He was a complete trotter." "Hey, Michael." "What do you think of my pink bits?" " Hey." "Um, I'm sorry." " Hey." "Hey." "Can you... can you leave us alone?" " We're studying." " Yeah, but I just wanted to say" "I thought a lot about what you said when we broke up, and you were right." "I was kind of boring, but now I got these, so can we get back together again?" "Uh, Kimmie, please." "I mean, the hair is... is different, but you're still..." "Still what?" "Fat." "What a douche bag." "See... that is why I hate people." "Hey." "Do you know where this Michael guy lives?" "Yeah, I may have cyber-stalked him on a weekly basis to prove that I was over him!" "I have an idea." "Let's go." "Excuse me?" "Oh, geez." "You scared me." "I'm wearing my limited-edition Murna tracking moccasins." "Uh, listen." "I've been signing autographs all day." "I just want to smoke my cigarette in silence." "Um, I'm sorry." "I..." "I didn't mean to disturb you." "It's just you're... you're kind of my hero." "I..." "I'm the secretary of your lower east side of Manhattan, not including Chinatown, fan club." "You are?" "!" "This changes everything!" "Please, hop upon my dragon friend, and let's go pillaging!" "Um..." "I..." "I know you're busy, but I just wanted to say that..." "Murna is such a big part of my life." "You got me through a lot of tough times." "Do me a favor, okay?" "Don't say me." "I'm not Murna." "Oh, I..." "I know that." "I know." "Oh." "Really?" "You do?" "You do?" "Because you people never act like you do." "I'm just an actress." "I went in on one audition for a two-line part." "And suddenly, I'm Murna, Princess Warrior." "My name is Alison Lockridge." "I studied Shakespeare, and now I've got to do conventions like this because people like you won't let me forget that I played this one part." "And now the only parts that I do get offered are in crappy movies like "Snake-Alanche"" "The Swarmening."" "But you were so great as Dr. Lucy Spinder, renegade ichthyo-seismologist." "Okay." "Do yourself a favor." "Get a life." "Go with Glorg." "What are you doing?" "Packing up all this old Murna stuff." "It's such a waste of time." "Murna's a lie." "Life is a lie." "Nothing has meaning." "What's for dinner?" "Okay." "Okay." "Give me your shirt... and hide." "Okay, I don't know what this is, but it sounds like a good idea." "Hello, Michael." "Hi." "It's me, Kimmie..." "Kimmie Boubier from college." "Kimmie?" "Uh, wow." "What happened to you?" "You, uh... you look amazing." "I know." "And look how high I can lift my leg." "Oh, look at that." "Who's boring now?" "Hey, um, would you, uh..." "would you like to come in?" "Uh, my fiancée is out of town." "Wait." "What?" "You're engaged, and you want to hook up with me?" "!" "Kimmie?" "Michael." "Uh, I'm sorry." "Who are you?" "I'm her fairly drunk mother." "Yeah." "We came here tonight to trick you into thinking that Kimmie was thin, which, granted, isn't really a win for Kimmie because she's still fat, but we're drunk." "And the point is that you missed out." "Yeah." "Because she is a great lady." "And she is a great lawyer now." "And I am proud that she's my new friend, and you're not boring, Kimmie." " She's not boring!" " No." "She's smart, and she's funny, and she can make sound effects like a horse." "Do it." "Yeah, and all of that..." "Michael, makes you a pathetic jerk." "Yeah, I miss you!" "Get the hell out of my hallway before I call the..." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Uh, this isn't your hallway." "This is dance-party junction, yeah." "Oh, yeah!" "Oh, yeah!" "♪ Kimmie and Kendall ♪" "♪ it's a party all the time ♪" "♪ yeah, on a Saturday ♪" "Yeah?" "I've been calling you all night!" "Where have you been?" "!" "Are you kidnapped?" "Don't answer that." "They might hear you." "Tell me where you are in an elaborate code." "Mm." "At Kendall's apartment." "Okay, Kendall starts with a "K."" ""K" is for kidney." "Has it been harvested?" "!" "Cough if you're in handcuffs." "No, we got drinks and bonded." "Body-swapped." "It was actually pretty epic." "And to think earlier," "I was gonna give her this letter that..." "Wait." "Let me read it to you." "Oh, my God." "Where's the letter?" "Okay." "Oh, my." "We really need your help with Marika." "Hello?" "Kimmie?" "Are you..." "I guess it's up to us." "Wow." "That's crazy." "Us means you." "Right." "Yeah." "Oh, yeah." "I don't normally cut lines." "I just... it's important." "Go with Glorg." "Hey." "Hold on." "No, it's really important." "Um..." "The line starts back there." "Yeah, we know." "We're here to talk about our friend Marika." "Who is Marika?" "Strapping girl, very intense, looks kind of like Jodie Foster." "What does this have to do with me?" "All right, let me explain." "I assess risk for a living." "The likelihood that you'll get hit by lightning is 1 in 3,000." "The likelihood that you'll be caught in a freak snake-alanche is, surprisingly, one in five million." "But the likelihood that a C-list celebrity will financially survive after alienating the head of her largest east-coast fan club is 0.0001%, and I'm being real generous with the rounding." "Who are you?" "!" "I'm Helen-Alice, and I'm an actuary." " Hey, there..." " Hey." "New friend." "Why are you so out of breath?" "Last night was so much fun." "I'm still winded." "Mm." "Oh, uh, are you looking for this?" "It was a very interesting read, Kimmie." "Uh, no one has ever written to tell me what wild animal they'd like to see me lose a fight to or that I am as frigid as a moonless, arctic night." "Kendall..." "I..." "I don't want to talk about it, Kimmie." "This is going into the trash, and this never happened." "Are we clear?" "Yes." "This is the Anderson case." "I need it summarized by tonight." "Brunch this Sunday?" "But you just..." "While I may be slightly singed, no one has ever taken the time to write me such a personal letter." "No." "Helen-Alice, it's freezing." "I don't understand why you..." "Wow, Helen-Alice, I can't believe you pulled it off." "Hi, Marika." "What are you doing here?" "I came to apologize." "I'm sorry about yesterday." "I was kind of harsh." "It's okay." "I don't need you to apologize." "I've moved on." "And you were right." "I needed to get a life." "Now that I leave the apartment more," "I've got one." "Great." "So, do I have to be here?" "I..." "I've got dinner reservations at 8:30." "No, it's fine." "I'm ready to say goodbye to my Murna obsession." "Go with Glorg, Alison." "Okay." "Wait." "There is one thing you could do for me." "What's that?" "Go long?" "♪ she waits in line ♪" "♪ her hair of brown ♪" "♪ a bonny lass, indeed, I've found ♪" "This is why you are my least favorite character on the show." "You never listen." "You're just annoying." "♪ she doth protest, but I can see ♪" "♪ that deep inside, she craves the Wee ♪" "I swear to Glorg, one more sound, and I will bury your body where it will never be found." "Well barded."