"ANNOUNCER:" "In the last episode of Soap," "Burt and Saul tried to beam themselves home but wound up instead in ancient Rome." "Trying again, and this time hard, they wound up in front of a firing squad." "Jessica, who's gotten Donahue to go, is happy, except she doesn't know that Chester, who's looking for work, can be found looking for women and playing around." "And Eunice is happy enough to shout, because Dutch from jail is getting out." "Danny, whose life wasn't worth a darn, has been helped by Millie to escape from the barn." "He's very happy she saved his life, but now she wants to be his wife." "And Billy Tate's staying after school to make up some work, but he's no fool." "His teacher's cute, so have no doubt, he's not making up, he's making out." "Confused?" "You won't be after this episode of..." "Soap." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate... and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates... and these are the Campbells... and this is..." "Soap." "Burt!" "Burt!" "This is the worst." "This is absolutely the worst." "Now I know why they call it "mess"." "Ma really outdid herself this time." "Do you need more room?" "No, I'm fine, thank you." "Could you pass that down, please, honey?" "How can you eat that?" "Hey, after eating prison food, this garbage tastes good." "Anyone for seconds?" "Eunice?" "Stuffed." "Corinne?" "Late lunch." "Chester?" "Couldn't possibly, dear." "S-slight touch of flu." "Oh." "Daddy?" "I've got a meeting of the Big Three." "I'd hate to throw up all over Ike." "Well, at least Dutch likes my cooking, don't you, Dutch?" "Hey, it's terrific." "Thank you." "I don't know why everybody says it stinks." "Where's Billy?" "Oh, he's working late at school." "Lucky." "Where's Tim?" "He's missing his dinner." "He's upstairs, praying." "Could you ask him to pray for a cook?" "Darling, no offense, but we really must replace Benson quickly." "Well, darling, I am trying." "I've interviewed several people." "But, you see, those that cook don't clean, and those that clean don't speak any identifiable language." "What's that stuff down there?" "I have no idea." "Pass that down anyway, will you, please?" "Maybe we should get a tractor." "Ow!" "Maybe tomorrow I'll cook." "Oh, no." "No, the last time you cooked, the dog went to the A.S.P.C.A." "and demanded to be put to sleep." "Dutch, what are you doing?" "What do you mean?" "That's a salad fork." "You're eating your entrée with a salad fork." "Sorry, we didn't have salad forks in prison." "We didn't even have forks in prison." "Now that you mention it, this one is much better." "It's bigger." "That's a dessert fork." "He's eating with his dessert fork." "Hey, I got nine forks here!" "That's because several of them are mine." "Daddy, give him a break." "He just got out of prison." "Does he do everything like he eats?" "Darling, maybe you'd better slow down, just a little bit." "I'm sorry, honey." "It's just that in prison, if you don't shovel it in as fast as you can, they take it away from you." "Arnold." "Who is this man?" "Major..." "Oh, Daddy, surely you remember Dutch." "Are you insinuating that my mind is gone?" "How dare you ask me such a ridiculous and insulting question?" "Of course I know Dutch." "What I want to know is, who is that?" "What do you think you're doing with that, bud?" "That's my arm." "Let go of my arm, you idiot." "Hey, uh, I'm sorry." "It's a force of habit." "In prison," "I always used to get the last roll." "It's a tradition." "Here, big guy." "You want some butter?" "Jessica..." "Hey, I know it's, uh, hard for you having me here." "I make mistakes." "I eat too fast and I talk rough, and it hurts." "It really hurts because..." "I love Eunice..." "and all the rest of you a lot, so all I got to say is, please bear with me, because..." "being a part of this family is the best thing that ever happened to me." "I promise, someday I'll make you proud." "Now, if you'll excuse me," "I really got to go to the can." "BOB:" "Well..." "Well, you too." "Yeah, all..." "All the luck in the world." "Yeah, I hope you're real happy, though." "Yeah, I'll never forget you, kid." "Goodbye." "I..." "I should have married her." "Bob, look, you did the right thing." "I mean, there's no way to tell if that baby's yours or not." "I don't know." "I don't know." "I-I guess I'll always wonder if it looks like me, you know?" "The hair, the eyes, the grain." "Danny." "Oh, thank God." "Danny." "Danny?" "Danny?" "It's Danny Dallas." "Uh, tall, masculine one." "Let him in." "Are you all right?" "Let me look at you." "I'm fine, Ma, really." "Oh, Danny, Danny." "It's all over now, Ma." "I'm home." "Let's just forget it ever happened." "Hi." "Danny?" "I'm Burt." "And you." "Oh-ho." "You must be Jodie." "Uh, everybody, this is Millie." "Millie." "Right." "The outfit had me thrown there." "Oh, "Jodie." What a laugh." "Millie." "Boy, it's really nice to see you again." "We never met." "Hi, I'm Burt." "Burt." "Just being friendly." "Oh, that's very nice of you." "See that?" "It was very nice of me." "Uh, Millie, this is my mother, Mary." "Oh, how do you do?" "I'm pleased to meet you, Millie." "Come in." "Who is she?" "She's the, uh..." "kidnapper's girlfriend." "And, Millie, this is Chuck." "Hi, Chuck." "Hi, Millie." "And that's Bob." "Are you quite through?" "You believe this?" "I need to be laughed at in my own house?" "Come on, Bob." "Yeah." "Well, I was going to invite you upstairs to kill off a fifth of Johnny Walker, but you blew it, lady." "I'm afraid I'm not doing too well." "It's, uh, really hard to tell here." "Why don't we all sit down?" "Yeah." "Sitting is very good." "Yeah." "You have a lovely home, Mary." "Yeah, you do." "I do." "Uh, Burt and Mary." "We do." "All of us do." "It's a very nice place here." "Mint?" "Oh..." "Burt!" "Just kidding." "Cigarette?" "Mint cigarette?" "Menthol?" "These have been used." "Would anyone like some coffee?" "Millie?" "Oh, no, thank you." "It repeats on me." "Fine." "So, uh... tell us a little more about yourself, here." "Uh, Burt..." "I don't think..." "I mean, what do you do?" "I mean, now." "I'm clean." "I mean, I'm trying to go straight." "I don't want to be part of anybody getting bumped off again." "That's so important." "This is sweet." "What?" "Your family, sitting around together, chatting." "It's..." "It's really, really lovely." "I never had that." "Me neither." "What?" "Until now, I mean." "Now I have that." "Families are wonderful, especially with relatives." "Go ahead." "Well, I just..." "You know, you people..." "I'm sorry." "Can I use your bathroom?" "I won't take anything." "Upstairs, on the right." "It's just that..." "you're all so wonderful." "She's a little nervous." "I saw that." "She's really a very nice girl." "But she's the kidnapper's girlfriend." "I know, I know." "But she saved my life, Ma, and I owe her." "I promised I'd take care of her, and I can't go back on my word." "Please, Ma." "Just for a little while, okay?" "Okay." "I'll show her the guest room." "Thanks, Ma." "Welcome home." "So how's it going?" "Not bad." "Pretty good." "Can't complain." "Do I smoke?" "No." "Oh, good." "I hate it." "So, uh, what's new?" "I've been meaning to ask you, whatever happened with that spaceship?" "Spaceship?" "What spaceship?" "Are you saying I saw a spaceship?" "Hey, wait, are you insinuating that I saw a..." "What is a spaceship?" "Who told you anything about a spaceship?" "Burt... you told me you saw a spaceship!" "That's the most ridiculous thing I ever said!" "Let's see." "I think I got everything." "Red pills, green pills, purple pills," "Dramamine, brandy." "Are you flying home with a rock group?" "I hate flying." "Well, you'd never know it." "Let's see." "I'll take one of these at the airport, then I'll ask the person next to me on the plane to slap me around a little when we pull into Houston." "Once, I mistimed my pill and wound up in Guatemala." "What time is your flight?" "I forget." "You hate me, don't you?" "No." "Listen, occasionally I forget what flight I'm on." "You know what I mean." "For making Alice leave." "Yeah, well, uh... you brought me my kid, though." "It's pretty hard to hate you." "Oh." "I always try too hard to do the right thing." "When I was pregnant with Carol," "I read everything that everybody ever wrote about being a mother." "I tried so hard to be the best mama there ever was." "Then what happened?" "My child goes and runs off with a cowboy." "A fake cowboy." "What do you call a male bimbo?" "Cowboy's close." "So forget the books." "Go with your instincts." "Give her your love and hope for the best." "Oh, that's my cab." "Take care of our little girl." "Goodbye, Wendy." "Send lots of pictures." "Okay." "Goodbye, Jodie." "Goodbye." "Uh, Mrs. David?" "What?" "Oh, my suitcase!" "Bye." "Well... here we are." "It's just you and me, kid." "Shh, shh, shh." "Come on." "No, no, no." "♪ Come on, come on ♪" "Come on, no." "Shh." "Come on, come on." "See?" "What?" "What?" "Shh." "Come on." "Mrs. David!" "Wendy's crying!" "Mrs...." "Mrs...." "Okay." "Hi." "No, no, no." "Stop." "Stop." "Come on, Daddy's here." "Come on." "Here we go." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Come on." "There you go." "All right." "All right." "All right." "That's a girl." "See?" "Huh?" "You're okay now." "You know why?" "♪ Your Daddy's here ♪" "♪ Little girl ♪" "Yeah." "Okay." "Yeah." "You're Daddy's little girl, huh?" "See?" "You cry, I sing." "You wet, I dry." "You hurt, I heal." "Okay?" "Yeah." "That's a good girl." "That's a girl." "Oh, God, Wendy." "What's going to happen when you're 16 and you want to borrow the car?" "Or you're 21, hmm?" "And you bring home some goof who wants to marry you." ""Hey, how you doin', Mr. Dallas?"" ""Hey, you know," ""I know you're a homo and everything, but, uh..." "I really want to marry Wendy, you know?"" "Oh, look at that." "Three months old, and I got you married already." "And to some jerk, yet." "Doesn't he know you're Daddy's little girl?" "Doesn't he?" "Huh?" "Okay." "Let's go to sleep." "There you go." "There." "Great." "♪ You're sugar, you're spice ♪" "♪ You're everything nice ♪" "♪ Because you're Daddy's little girl ♪" "Oh, God." "Oh!" "I hate traveling with you." "That's the last time I travel with you." "Saul, you told me you knew what to do, and what do you do?" "You beam us to death." "I know what I did wrong." "Look, right here, see?" "I hit the retro button." "A common mistake." "Oh, yeah?" "Common mistake?" "Ancient Rome and Mexico in one day?" "How do you pack for a trip like that?" "Look, I can do it." "What are you going to do?" "You want to see your wife again?" "Or do you want to live with the silver shrimps?" "Your choice." "Come on, let's go." "I'm not going." "What do you mean, you're not going?" "I'm not going to go." "I'm going to stay here." "What are you talking about?" "Please, Saul." "Why?" "I was on two quick trips, and I'm exhausted." "I'm too old to travel." "You're coming home with me." "I'm not going to hear another thing about it, now..." "Burt, Burt." "I've been here 4000 years." "This is home." "What home?" "This is an alien spaceship." "In my village, we had an expression." ""Home is where you tie your goat."" "No, come on, Saul." "You're going to love it down there." "I know, I know." "It's a terrific place for someone a few thousand years younger." "Girls walk around without their bras now." "Burty... home is where you're comfortable, and I'm comfortable here." "I'm not thrilled, I'm not excited, but at my age, thrilled and excited is dangerous." "Now, go on." "I'll beam you down." "You're not going to come with me?" "No." "This is goodbye?" "This is goodbye." "Bye, Saul." "Goodbye, Burt." "Saul?" "I want you to have this." "Your watch?" "Yeah, it's the only thing I got to give you." "If I give you my belt, my pants'll fall down, so..." "It's a Timex." "Still on warranty." "Oh, good, good." "Up here, that'll be good." "For you." "Bye, Saul." "So long, Burt." "Oh, listen, Burt, you want to go by Palm Springs before you go home?" "No, I just want to go home." "Okay, buddy." "Bon voyage." "Shalom." "Bye-bye, Burty." "I'm here." "That's a hell of a shot, Saul." "Mare!" "Mare!" "Mare, I'm home!" "Burt!" "Yeah." "Burt!" "Burt!" "What am I doing?" "What am I running for?" "I live here." "He goes." "He goes." "This..." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Mary sees two Burts, she's going to drop dead." "I'll call." "I'll call first." "I just hope I don't answer." "Hi." "Hi." "Nice weekend?" "Fine." "Great." "Good." "You?" "Good, good." "Great." "Fine." "Good." "Here's your Spanish Inquisition." "Great." "Good." "Bill, this is crazy." "I know." "This is insane." "I know." "We have to talk." "I understand." "Now, I'm your teacher." "Yes, you are." "And you're my student." "Yes, I am." "And this is a classroom." "Yes, it is." "And we are in a classroom." "Yes, we are." "We can't do this." "No, we can't." "We'll have to meet at my place." "Yes, we..." "What?" "Well, we have to discuss this." "Yeah." "We have to know exactly what we're getting into." "I agree." "I agree totally." "I totally agree." "What do you mean?" "Well, I mean, I don't know if you can handle this." "I don't know if I can handle this." "I can handle it if you can handle it." "Handle what?" "I..." "I've thought about this all weekend." "Am I being unfair to you?" "Am I being crazy?" "Oh, Mrs. Walker, I think there's a..." "Bill, we're investigating the possibility of a relationship." "Please don't call me Mrs. Walker." "I'm sorry, Lillian." "Leslie." "Leslie." "I'm sorry..." "Leslie." "I mean, it's not like you're old enough to be my mother or anything." "We're only a few years apart, really." "I mean, if I were 30 and you were 40, who'd care?" "But it's just that people'll think," ""Why the hell can't she find someone a little more right for her?"" "I'm not right for you?" "Why?" "Just because" "I can't drive at night yet?" "I just want you to understand what all of this means." "I understand enough to know... that I like being around you, and to shut off something nice like this because of what might happen is dumb." "Okay." "Here." "What's this?" "Wars of the Roses." "If we're going to be seeing each other, uh... you're going to have to do your homework." "I don't go out with dummies." "Okay?" "Boy, if all my classes were like this," "I'd be in medical school by now." "See you." "See you." "ANNOUNCER:" "Now that Millie's met the Campbells, will she decide a life of crime is quieter?" "Now that Real Burt and Alien Burt have met, will they decide it might be nice to dress alike?" "What will happen between Billy and his teacher, and will he get marks for it?" "These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of..." "Soap." "ANNOUNCER:" "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience."