"This film was restored by PATHÉ in 2013" "In those days, from Scotland to the Gobi, from the Turkish hills to the Hispanic shores, one man alone held sway over the civilized world," "Caesar!" "Each year, mighty Caesar vacationed in Rahat-Locum, a Roman colony in North Africa." "A QUARTER TO TWO B.C." "Want some good grass?" "It's Phoenician!" "Piss off!" "What's all this?" "See what's wrong!" "Outta the way!" "Don't rupture yourself!" "Move over!" "Where's the fire?" "If you're in a rush, get a camel!" "Pain in the ass!" "I'm workin'!" "No reason to piss everybody off!" "Why bitch?" "Ya ain't got a fare." "Cuz I stop at noon for chow, asshole!" "Say that again..." "Let's see if I get mad." "Gonna scare me, ya big bag?" "If I come over real close and look ya in the eye, got the guts to repeat that?" " Big bag!" " Me?" "Yeah!" "Ya know what kind?" "Me?" "A big bag?" "What's up?" "This dope's blocking' my way." "Chariot races are held in the Circus." "What a clown!" "Shut up!" "I want the street cleared by 3." "Again!" "I'm sick of this." "Move along!" "Don't gawk!" "Close up your stands!" "Caesar's guest is due." "Clear the street for the procession." "Close your shops!" "Same thing every day!" "Him and his foreign guests ruin our sales!" "Always showing' off for bigwigs from Africa." "And Gaul!" "Enough!" "Go tell Caesar your troubles." "He's getting some new lions." "Big ones!" "And I hear they're hungry!" "We'd better leave." "Didn't you hear me?" "Clear the street!" "We just told you." "I'm just gonna grab a bite to eat." "See to this guy." "Ok..." "Ok..." "The Consul will convert the Julian Severus Theater into a supermarket to increase government profits..." " Camparius!" " Americanus!" "Hot tea but hold the sugar!" "I'm on a diet." "Tax will be the same for urban and provincial Romans enabling them to proudly share in the grandeur of Rome." "To hell with Rome!" "Arab emirs at the Congress of Oat-Producing Nations today announced a rise to 18 sesterces per quintal of grain." "Many emirs are arriving for the festivities organized by mighty Caesar in honor of Cleopatra." "Kill the boob tube!" "In Bethlehem..." "It's all bullshit!" "What'll become of us?" "The price of oats is up and this supermarket will ruin business!" "So have a glass of champagnus!" "Ya don't care?" "You bet I don't." "If the supermarket puts you out of business and keeps deliveries from blockin' traffic, I won't mind!" "Slob!" "Hey, if you're so tough use your merchants' union!" "Sounds like a revolt's in the air!" "Paulus is needlin' us." "Seen TV?" "Like everybody!" "We gotta stop 'em!" "Exactly!" "Know what I say?" "Caesar's the big bad wolf cuz the Romans are lambs!" "Caesar's a lion cuz the Romans are deers!" " True!" " Smart words!" "He's smart." "Smart!" "But what else?" "So what else, smarty?" "I say we should let Caesar know that we're fed up!" "We should pick a strong-fisted leader who'll tell him so!" "That we're sick and tired and fed up!" "Right!" "Exactly!" "And it's you!" "What?" "The strong-fisted leader!" "President of the Merchants!" "But..." "We'll go see the Consul and let Ben-Hur Marcel speak for us all!" "And say it's the last straw!" "Be our leader, Ben-Hur Marcel!" "Ben-Hur Marcel's gonna talk to the Consul!" "Ben-Hur Marcel's gonna speak for us all!" "What is it?" " The masses!" " Well?" "They seem to be crabby, Consul." "I got your message!" "Citizens!" "Do you want lower taxes?" "Work for all?" "An end to inflation?" "We can do nothing for now but as soon as we can, we'll double our efforts!" "Promises, promises!" "We want guarantees!" "Guarantees!" "They're being a drag." "This can't go on!" "Rome is a democracy!" "We have rights!" "Who are you?" "Ben-Hur Marcel!" "Mechanic!" "Merchants' President!" "You're their leader?" "Too right, Dwight!" "So speak up!" "Things were fine till Caesar came." "Then the shit hit the fan!" "Caesar bestrides the world!" "We trot between the giant legs like midgets." "On what flesh does Caesar feed to become so great?" "Are Rome's walls to gird but one man?" "So we're fed up with Caesar!" "Me?" "Why not the others?" "You're alone, asshole!" "Listen, Demetrius Cassius Titus Marcus Et Ceterus..." "My designer miscut my pleats!" "I can't wear this rag to Caesar's Palace!" "I want him torn to shreds in the arena!" "A bloody ragdoll!" "Not in front of the guards..." "Screw the guards!" "Toss him in the arena with a trident in his torso!" "A sword slicing up his entrails!" "His bruised body in a net!" "His nose bashed!" "Enough of this!" "You've made me throw a plumber to the lions..." "Crucify a barber." " Indeed!" " Now a dress designer?" "So?" "You're going to damage my popularity!" "Why did a nice Gallic gal like me marry a Roman?" "Now what?" "Hail." "Demetrius Cassius Marcus Oct..." "Never mind!" " Well?" " Actually, in front of..." "What's with this make-believe macho?" "I'm the Consul's wife!" "I hear all that goes on here." "Careful or you'll end up in the arena!" "Enough of that!" "Go on." "It's your son..." "His son?" "MY son!" "What's wrong?" "He's dead!" "Hurt!" "Do something, you Roman!" "Give it a rest, Laetitia!" "My son?" "He was driving a chariot drunk." "Jupiter be praised." "The schmuck!" "Bring him to me." " The Highway Guards have him." " So?" "Highway Guards and Palace Guards don't..." "Free him!" "And tell the Highway Guards to shape up or I'll put a few in the arena!" "Finally!" "Go tend to your lace laurels!" "He really stuffs himself!" "3 or 4 every Sunday in the arena!" "Especially Greeks!" "He has a soft spot for Greeks." "It must be their diet." "Stuffed grape leaves, souvlaki..." "Greeks are tasty, eh, Lucien?" "It's odd..." "Turks eat like Greeks but... he's not hot for Turks." "He doesn't like Spartans much." "Too dry!" "He tears them up." "He toys with their sandals but hardly eats a thing." "Gauls are too pickled." "He won't touch Biafrans." "That's understandable." "And Romans?" "He loves them for dessert." "They're like rum cakes for him but he doesn't get many." "Only skinny common criminals fed on dry bread." "But you!" "You'll be a feast!" "Look..." "He's spotted you!" "He has a good eye." "He knows who's who!" "We could make a deal." "Listen, you let me knock you out and then fall so I can grab your keys." "I'll pay!" "Let you escape?" "You're joking?" "Now I'm all for making a little cash." "Civil servants' pay is low and fully declared." "So if ya want extras..." "Having food brought in, some packages..." "But no escape!" "I'd land in the arena in your place!" "Then again, Lucien wouldn't touch me." " Right, Lucien?" " See!" "But the others!" "The gladiators!" "They're wild animals!" "They jab a trident down your throat and twist it!" "They lop off your hands!" "They bash heads with axes!" "It hurts!" "They leave you in the sun covered with honey and ants." "Camels lick you while you slowly die, lying for hours in the hot sun." "Right, I need to clean up the arena and scatter some sawdust." "It's gonna be a bloody Sunday." "Spurting blood!" "Calm down, Lucien!" "Be patient!" "Sunday he's yours!" "A plot?" "Plenty of them!" "But we can't check everybody's ID, frisk chariots, arrest students without arousing the masses who are baying for blood." "So we'll organize our own plot." "It'll also unmask rabble-rousers." "Once Caesar survives our phony ambush, we can arrest plenty of suspects!" "Brilliant, Consul!" "We must hire a clever firebrand, loyal to us, of course." "Don't you have an agent smart enough?" "Leave us!" "My men are just cops!" "No intelligent ones there!" "Or use someone very dumb!" "That'd do." "That we can find!" "Hail, Deme..." "Stop hailing me all day!" "It gets on my nerves!" "Well?" "I got your son released from the Highway Guards." "Look at that get-up!" "Go to your room." "Don't smirk!" "Next time you'll stay in stir!" "And the town?" "All going swimmingly." "Their ringleader is in prison." " People?" " No worries!" "The guy was just a mechanic." "It's a pity to feed him to a lion." "He's the only good chariot mechanic in this damn town." "Why in Hades are we here except to please a brainless emperor who in the meantime is..." "Sorry!" "My nerves are shot to hell." "Yes, I know..." "You may go." "Shitty Jupiter-damned cape of a half-assed uniform!" "The men are fed up with all this shit." "All this... shit." "That idiot gave me an idea." "What's the mechanic's name?" "Ben-Hur Marcel." "Not very Roman, but it's just as well." "He's the man for our phony conspiracy." "Everyone heard him." "He's in jail now, for plotting against Caesar!" "Brilliant, Consul!" "She reigns over Egypt" "Each pyramid and crypt" "Sings the praises" "Of her ancestors the Pharaohs" "Neath the skies of Egypta" "There grows the calyptra" "Amid blossoms and rocks" "Glide swans and peacocks" "Let Asskisserus pass!" "Hail to the envoy of Consul Demetrius!" "Keep your own nose, dear Queen." "One too long could change the face of the world." "Divine Cleopatra, may the Gods help me to convince" "Your Luminous Majesty that although mighty Caesar holds the fate of the world in his hands, yet in the provinces as the Gauls say" ""Though smart as foxes, we're not oxes!"" "Rahat-Locum is not like Imperial Rome where roads are broad and wide, suitable for processions." "Asskisserus, you windbag!" "Full of hot air!" "But, divine Cleopatra!" "Rahat-Locum is a tiny town of narrow alleys and difficult, twisting, sandy streets." "Majestic Luminosity..." "Your Luminous Majesty should use the express highway." "Am I dreaming?" "Tell your Emperor the Queen of Egypt makes the laws!" "Pyramid builders don't use express highways amid Roman delivery chariots!" "I'll use Rahat-Locum's main avenue." "If it's not wide enough, tell mighty Caesar to raze half the city!" "Like this!" "Is that clear?" "But, Majesty..." "Remove this ass and his building blocks!" "I only express the orders of the Consul who is not too smart." "It's awful having to work for such a dope!" "If I could serve a sovereign like you," "Luminous Majesty!" "Majestic Luminosity!" "Musculus!" "Bicepsus!" "Tricepsus!" "Dorsus dorsalum!" "Dorsus pectorus!" "Musculus bicepsus!" "Tricepsus et pectorem!" "Who's the little dark man?" " Dark?" " Pudgy?" "The dark pudgy one." "Juvenius, Consul." "Juvenius!" "He trains badly." "He should be punished." "Indeed, Caesar." "You heard?" "I'll cast him into the arena next Sunday!" "Caesar's hard but fair." "He must be punished but not in the arena." "Put him on night duty." "As you wish, great Caesar." "He'll stand guard for a week at the North Gate where nights are harshest." "You're the harsh one!" "Don't be so severe." "Post him outside my room tomorrow night." "Do as you're told." "Add a man in case he goes off duty." "He wouldn't dare!" "You schmuck." "Do it or you'll end up in a lion's belly." "Yes, Consul." "Come with me." "We have serious matters to discuss." "Demetrius, baby, just who is this Cleopatra?" "A savage?" "They say she's a woman of power." "Girl-scout type?" "No." "Dictatorial but fairly feminine." "How ghastly!" "But for the good of Rome we must give her a perfect reception." "What do you think of these?" "My costumes for the festivities!" "Very gay!" "I hope it's sunny." "I want fabulous games!" "Chariot races, gladiators..." "I want gladiators who are big, handsome and virile and all... plus 2 or 3 not too big, not too skinny." "Some pudgies." "As you wish." "But I'd like to talk politics." "Politics!" "That bores me to tears!" "I'm busy preparing for the Armenian!" "Egyptian!" "If you say so..." "Egyptian!" "Must I worry about politics as well?" "Noble Caesar, the people are discontent." "People!" "What are the people?" "Plumbers and maids!" "Must I reign for the people?" "Aside from them is everyone else happy?" "Absolutely." "So let's run the country with the decent people!" "That's impossible." "Revolt is sprouting everywhere." "Each day state officials, judges, centurions, tax collectors are attacked by the Purple Brigades." "Public buildings are damaged daily." "Just look!" "The Courthouse..." "The Tax Center..." "The Circus..." "They've all been hit!" "The Purple Brigades even smashed your statue." "Good!" "I hated the outfit I was wearing." "I'll have it redone, with pleats down the front and a much fuller cut." "Take measures." "Send me my sculptor." "Political measures!" "Be an angel and see to all that!" "And also..." "Hush!" "That's enough!" "Having an empire's fine but I want my privacy too!" "Have I no right to live?" "The state..." "The Empire..." "Listen to me, noble Caesar!" "Our economy needs an alliance with Egypt." "Couldn't you take... advantage of her visit... and offer to wed Cleopatra?" "Wed?" "What do you mean?" "Marriage?" "Only for political reasons!" "You wouldn't have to..." "What?" "He's lost his mind!" "Me?" "Wed an Ethiopian?" "Egyptian..." "Sweetie, I know you're devoted to me, fussing over the Empire, but you need a rest!" "I mean, really!" "Frankly, you've flipped!" "Me with a broad and bawling brats?" "A nightmare!" "Ciao, Consul baby." "That's too funny!" "Go, home, have some herb tea and go beddy-byes!" "I can't get over it!" "He said "wed"!" "Of all things!" "I never heard anything so silly!" "What's Caesar like?" "They say he's very strong." "I mean as a person." "Chic with class." "That helps!" "A good host." "Nouvelle cuisine, etc." "10,000 miles for pickled dormice in strawberry jam!" "For the grandeur of Egypt," "I hope we win the chariot races." "Leave us!" "Come." "Sit down." "ID file..." ""Ben-Hur Marcel." "32." "Merchant Union President."" "A subversive group?" "We're only merchants who organize special 2-week sales with prizes and so on." "They say you're a rebel who criticizes the Empire and that you're ready to strike at Caesar." "It happened once..." "cuz they pushed me." "Never mind." "I like that." "I need a man like you." "You know of plots against Caesar?" "Being in business, I hear folks talk." "Some say, "Kick him out on his ass!"" "Or "Let's crucify him!"" ""Perch him on a pyramid!"" "But I've never heard of a plot." "You'll organize one." "A plot?" "You and your merchants will plan a conspiracy for me." "A conspiracy?" "Against Caesar!" "I'm not interested." "It's not my thing." "Makin' fun of Caesar and sayin'..." ""That shit-face?" "When he coughs, it's a fart!"" "That's one thing but..." "I mean..." "Sorry." "Sorry..." "No conspiracies!" "You must have specialists who'd love to do it." "We're amateurs!" "We'd slow you down." "You have no choice." "You do it or it's..." "Sunday with Lucien!" "In that case, I can handle it fine." "Some conspirators meet nightly in the catacombs." "If our friend Ben-Hur Marcel were to contact them..." "Good idea!" "You'll go there and infiltrate the terrorists." "Then report to us and I'll decide." "Yes but..." "what if they don't want me?" "Lucien!" "I see." "Ok..." "Here we are." "What do I owe you?" "8 sesterces." "Thanks." "Ok, Lucette?" "Some guys are kooks!" "Well, baby?" "How much?" "20 in the chariot, 25 out." "Son of a bitch!" "Pardon me?" "Givin' me a hard time?" "I don't give it away!" "Yeah..." "Ok." "You're cute but I can't take anymore!" "Going, dolls?" "We're washed out!" "From the baths!" "Time for bed, Crocus!" "See you, sweetie!" "A closet queen with a mask!" "Hi, you!" "Hi, Reginus!" "Good crowd?" "Wild!" "Come in!" "Here already, baby?" "Here we do as we please!" "No one'll deck us!" "We hug and squeeze In our homosexualis discothecus" "Let the disco play!" "Come shake your plexus!" "It's all very gay In the Homo-Disco-Texus!" "Citizen!" "Got 2 or 3 sesterces for a drink?" "How do I get into the catacombs?" "The door's not far." "Careful!" "Some odd guys hang out there." "'Night, dolls!" "'Night, Ma!" "Take care." "Hello, you!" "Hi, ladies'n'gents!" "I'm lookin' for friends." "But I don't know..." "They said I'd find..." "They're here to plan something special." "Yes, it's special!" "I don't know if... it's in the catacombs." "Well, it's... downstairs." "Care to take a peek?" "Come in!" "What's wrong, kitten?" "Shy?" "No, but they said it was a secret." "It's not secret!" "It's just discreet." "But everyone knows." "Cops come here too!" "Hello, fellas!" "Hi, men!" "Go on in!" "What a dodo!" "What'll it be, kitten." "Champagne?" "Right." "Shit!" "Here, kitten!" "'Evening!" "Hi!" "Are they all conspirators?" "Pardon?" "They're all conspirators?" "What?" "They all are?" "Sure!" "And you too?" "You're one too?" "Isn't that obvious?" "Come on." "I can't hear..." "You don't look like one." "I haven't been for long." "I'm not really one yet." "I want to but I don't know where to begin." "It's easy!" "I can show you the ropes." "That's kind." "This wasn't my idea but a guy forced me into it." "But now you're willing to participate?" "Sure!" "But I'm not really active." "Can't passive roles be fun too?" "Let the others do all the work." "That'd suit me!" "But I could give a helping hand." "It's just I don't have the knack." "Don't worry." "Everything will be made easy for you." "That'd be nice!" "Shall we dance?" "Sure." "Come on." "What's wrong?" "They can't stand." "This fool made them smoke!" "My arrival was scheduled for 5 PM." "It's 2 AM!" "I know, my Queen!" "What does our guide say?" "Oh, him!" "Hasch-Minafer!" "Cleopatra's the most beautiful!" "She's the best!" "What have I done to Osiris to deserve this?" "Draw and quarter him at once!" "I can't alone but once the guards wake, I'll do my best." "Like it?" "Nice..." "But a bit sissyish." "He's so funny!" " Make yourself comfortable!" " I'm fine." "Thirsty?" "Champagne." "It's good." "We need to decide who does what." "Sit down." "Relax." "Let's not rush things." "We've plenty of time." "I'd rather work fast." "Pick the right moment and..." "bang!" "You're hot stuff..." "The 1st part is hard but... once we begin, we have to go all the way." "And no improvising!" "Just a little?" "With an ordinary customer, maybe." "But with Caesar, it has to be done just right." "You know?" "I see you do." "This can go." "True, Caesar is an exceptional person, yet he's a man like all others." "In certain realms, he must be treated only as a man and nothing more." "For Man..." "Man is weak, my young patrician." "True, it's not his fault but a question of mentality." "But once Man is aware of his weakness, aware of his frailty and aware of his ugliness..." "For he is ugly!" "Man is ugly!" " You do agree?" " Yeah!" "Oh, thankless Nature who had Man modeled in the image of strength rather than grace!" "All that is male is force and ugliness." "Walls." "Rocks." "Swords!" "Whereas all that is female is gentleness and tenderness." "Flowers." "Rivers." "Music!" "You're too young, my young patrician, to have known Woman in all her splendor." "Sure, but I get by." "What poet, with tragic lucidity, will describe the male in all his horror?" "It's a horror." "All of this is a horror!" "Head!" "Arm!" "Leg!" "Horrors!" " A man's leg is ghastly, isn't it?" " Yeah!" "Is an arm beautiful?" "And breastless torsos!" "They're unbearable!" "Oh, heinous partition!" "Oh, infamous distribution!" "Only Woman was given all by the Gods!" "Woman is a copy of Man, but we are only a caricature!" "For we men are..." "We are..." "We are ugly!" "We're so ugly!" "Now you see that though his power be great," "Caesar is nothing but..." "Caesar is nothing but a poor little guy" "Poor little guy!" "Don't exaggerate!" "He's still Emperor of Rome." "He's not just anybody!" "He's guarded!" "It'll be hard to stab him in the mug or blow up his ass!" "But who'd want to do that?" "Stab his face or blow up his behind?" "Who?" "Us!" "Aren't we plotting to kill Caesar?" "Am I dreaming?" "It'll be hard to corner him." "But once we get him, we can choose poison, stabbing, drowning in his bath, smothering or whatever we decide." "Later we forget we ever met!" "Yes!" "Centurion!" "Guards!" " Help!" " Caesar!" "Arrest him!" "This hoodlum wants to kill me!" "To the dungeons with him!" "It's not me..." "Mr. Caesar!" "To the arena!" "To the lions!" "Hold me up, angels." "I feel dizzy!" "He wants to kill me with a sword!" "Put me on the cushions!" "I'm going to faint!" "Give me some air, baby!" "Watch the arch!" "We can't go under it." "It's too low." "What'll I look like now, arriving at Caesar's court this way?" "All the Roman Empire is watching me." "Not at this hour." "We can't get through there either." "There!" "I told you so!" "Smear honey on these bearers and throw them to the ants!" "I'll do it." "Once we find some honey." "Bravo!" "Where's the principal street?" "For who?" " For everyone!" " For me, the principal street has the most bars but that one's the chic street." "Where are they going?" "Straight ahead!" "By Osiris!" "Straight!" "They don't understand a thing." "Shit!" "Not straight!" "Turn!" "Turn!" "Turn!" "Drawn and quartered!" "And thrown to the pigs!" "Patrician, could you help Cleopatra?" "Certainly!" "Just do as I say." "Forward!" "Straight ahead!" " The wall!" " Now turn!" "Stop!" "Imbeciles!" "Morons!" "It's fate." "To hell with fate!" "This is too much!" "I spent 3 hours doing my toes, hair and nails." "All for Egypt!" "I rehearsed my arrival a month!" "Now I look like shit!" "Don't worry, divine Cleopatra." "Nobody saw you." "Right?" "We're lucky in our misfortune, my Queen." "Great Roman patrician, where is Caesar's palace?" "I can't go there in this condition!" "How can I?" "My chariot's a wreck!" "Don't worry, divine Cleopatra." "I got a pal who specializes in chariots." "If you'll get in my taxi..." "My monkey and 2 falcons!" "Yeah." "I know..." "Don't worry." "I'll see to everything." "Not too rough a ride?" "Looks like he's out." "I'm a mess!" "You're ok." "The bathroom?" "That way..." "What is it?" " That!" " What?" "My grandpa!" "Pharaoh Sesostris Amenofis Nyopartiefet... called Sesostris for short." "Listen to this." ""I place this portrait in the babe's cradle on the Nile." ""Blessed be the finder." "The boy will be Pharaoh of Egypt!"" "The baby placed in the cradle on the Nile was my brother Aminemefet!" "Grandpa raised me." "7 years earlier, he'd put my brother in a foster home." "Take this baby to Palestine." "He's the future Pharaoh." "I want him wet-nursed by my old Hebrew friends," "Rachel and Simon Goldenberg." "Great Pharaoh, why does your grandson have to be suckled by a Hebrew nurse?" "Politics." "Though he is not of Jewish blood, he will be of Jewish milk!" "Just after Aminemefet got there," "Herod massacred all boys under 6 months of age." "He feared the King of the Jews would take his throne." "Rachel set my brother afloat on the Nile." "Don't be so pushy!" "Get in line like everyone else!" "They persecute us too, ya know!" "We never heard of him after that." "I must learn why this portrait is here." "Your mechanic must know what's become of my brother." "Who are the others?" "Nobody!" "There's no conspiracy!" "Caesar invited me in." "For a drink?" "Yes!" "How could I know it was Caesar?" "His noble face is on all our banknotes!" "He wore a wig and mustache!" "I didn't recognize his kisser." "Let me yank out his nails and 4 or 5 teeth." "I'll break an arm or two!" "No, I work with my hands!" "I'm not an egghead like you." "Lucien loves tender broken arms." "Lock him up!" "We'll go and search his garage for accomplices!" "Come out." "You're surrounded!" "Give up!" "We're here in force!" "Ben-Hur's in jail!" "You're under arrest!" "May we know why?" "For conspiracy against Caesar and Cleopatra!" "I am Cleopatra." "Queen of Egypt." "And why not Caesar's wife while you're at it?" "I am Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt!" "I demand the honors worthy of my rank." "Cleopatra in a garage at 6 AM?" "Sure!" "And where're your chariot and your tiara?" "Her tiara is in her chariot with a monkey and 2 falcons." "A monkey and 2 falcons!" "Yes." "A monkey and 2 falcons." "Run this drunk in, along with the dame!" "I spent a whole day on skin care, a bubblebath and massage." "I went to town, I even spring-cleaned for that Indian!" "Egyptian!" "She's Egyptian." "Egyptian!" "Indian!" "What's the difference?" "All I know is she's late." "That idiot's going to screw up my party!" "Can't you find out where she is?" "You and your Rosetta-stone cops!" "My nerves!" "They're shot!" "And I was attacked in my room at 2 AM by a bloodthirsty terrorist!" "Your door has 24-hour guards!" "Yes but..." "What?" "What are you insinuating?" "Have you finished?" "Keep your remarks to yourself." "That's not the problem." "Where's Cleopatra?" "Hail, Demetrios!" "Hail, Caesar!" "And Cleopatra?" "Still no news, Consul." "Such incompetence!" "The Queen of Egypt is roaming a land we claim to control in a chariot with camels, a monkey and 2 falcons and nobody's noticed her?" "A monkey and 2 falcons?" "Yes!" "A monkey and 2 falcons!" "Even a gross Gaul knows Cleopatra always has a monkey and 2 falcons with her." "A monkey and 2 falcons?" "Yes!" "A monkey and 2 falcons!" "Is he retarded or what?" "At a garage we just picked up a dame who says she's Cleopatra and her pal spoke about a monkey and 2 falcons." "A garage?" "She said she's Cleopatra?" "Yes, noble Consul." "You arrested her?" "Of course." "Is it her?" "I don't know." "He doesn't know!" "Everyone knows we've lost Cleopatra." "He finds one but he can't tell a Queen of Egypt with a monkey and 2 falcons from a local whore!" "A woman in an evening gown at 6 AM..." "At 6 AM?" "Such taste!" "Where is she?" "The arena prison." "By Jupiter!" "My chariot!" "Where'd you get this?" "It was in my cradle." "By Osiris!" "I was found abandoned on the Nile." "It was in the cradle." "Ben-Hur Gaston, my adopted dad, taught me to be a mechanic." "He put that on the wall." "But you never read it?" "Hieroglyphics are Greek to me." "If this papyrus was in your cradle, you're my brother!" "She's kiddin'?" "No." "The papyrus says it's true." "You read papyrus?" "It says you're her brother named..." "Aminemefet!" " Your brother?" " Yes and heir to the throne of Egypt!" "Your resemble Grandpa!" "Stop shitting' me!" "You're my sis?" "Yes!" "Shit!" "A brother and sister!" "What a feast, Lucien!" "Coming!" "Who's there?" "The Consul!" "Is that her?" "Absolutely." "Divine Cleopatra!" "Forgive me." "I throw myself at your feet." "An incredible error." "A police screw-up." "They're fools led by a fool!" "I agree." "Divine Cleopatra, how may I be forgiven?" "Begin by letting us out of here." "Certainly!" "Move it!" "He means you!" "My chariot!" "Make way for Cleopatra!" "Not you." "What are you doing here?" "Let me present my brother..." "Pharaoh Aminemefet!" "If you don't mind, Mr. Commoner!" "And him?" "My chief general!" "Divine Cleopatra..." "Back to canned cat food, Lucien!" "Are you nuts?" "7!" "Red!" "The Romans really know how to have fun!" "Politics keep us too busy." "And money!" "And the Oat-Producers' Congress!" "We've no time to play!" "Very true!" "Who'd defend our interests except us?" "We need an agent who's young, dynamic and trustworthy to be our Western sales rep!" "We need a guy to stand up for us." "An energetic guy." "The merchants have Ben-Hur Marcel." "So let's ask Ben-Hur Marcel!" "He's a civilian." "No, he's a pharaoh!" "That's the last straw!" "I repainted the royal apartments, washed the mosaics, got new rugs and flowers and she stays in a garage!" "She's at her brother's." "What a political change." "If Ben-Hur Marcel is Pharaoh, you'll deal with him." "Cleopatra's visit is meaningless." "You won't need to wed her." "What a relief!" "It's easier to get along with... a pharaoh than a pharess, eh?" "What's he like?" "Sort of pudgy." "Really?" "Listen, sweety, the country's future and politics come before personal interests." "So I'll see this pudgy boy." "I'll go see him." "I mean, I'll go see the young Pharaoh." "That?" "Yes, Caesar." "I'll get grease all over me!" "Let Caesar pass!" "Tell me, young patrician..." "What?" "It's him!" "The killer!" "Guards, seize him!" "Careful!" "He's armed!" "Not again!" "What is this?" "He tried to kill me!" "He told me to!" "You told him what?" "Me?" "Nothing!" "You'd better hold your tongue!" "You can't talk to Pharaoh that way!" "Seize this man!" "What is all this?" "Guards, seize that one too!" "You can't." "He's my pal!" "Seize him!" "This is incredible!" "Guards, seize these guards!" "What?" "Guards, grab these guards!" "What's going on?" "It's weird, my Queen." "What's going on?" "Mighty Caesar, I presume?" "Obviously." "Where did she spring from?" "I am accustomed to warmer welcomes." "She's divine Cleopatra!" "Glad to greet you, divine Cleopatra." "About time!" "The pleasure's all mine, Caesar." "This is my brother," "Pharaoh Aminemefet." "Impossible!" "He's the one!" "He told me to do it." "Believe me now?" "He could tell everyone how he met you!" "So?" "Yes." "That's true." "Would you like a drink?" "No." "Thank you, divine one." "I just came to officially invite you to the Circus Games on Sunday." "With pleasure, mighty Caesar." "The contestants are prime quality." "I hear your gladiators are very good." "I hear your chariot driver is very skilled!" "Don't let me interrupt you." "There may be a change to the program." "Askisserus knows Egyptian customs and, in international games, the Pharaoh, when present, heads the Egyptian team." "Exactly." "So Ben-Hur Marcel..." "Aminemafet will represent your country." "Normally, yes." "Very good!" "I'm honored but that doesn't suit me." "Sunday I'm busy and I can't take a union man's job." "You've no choice." "It's the custom." "The custom?" "That's a bummer!" "On patrol and sentry-duty, a Roman guard sweats under his armor." "Armpitus!" "The trooper's deodorant for soldiers of taste." "Live today from the Rahat-Locum Circus." "We're here for the Circus Games being given by Caesar," "Master of the Western World, for Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt," "5'8", 104 pounds, out of Amenofistofelet of the 18th Dynasty by Adtorsis." "21 on the Gallic chariot!" "She rules Egypt!" "Each pyramid and crypt" "Sings praise to her ancestors" "Cleopatra!" "Beneath the sky of Egyptus Grows the eucalyptus" "Amid blossoms and rocks Glide swans and peacocks" "Cleopatra!" "Emperors!" "Caliphs!" "In hieroglyphs" "Let her name be writ Should Champollion find it" "One day in Egypt And thereafter transmit" "This inscription:" "She's glad to be Egyptian" "What's this?" "What's what?" "This mad circus?" "But it's your circus!" "What're these sideshows doing, these things in my circus?" "It's advertising!" "What?" "I ordered a grandiose celebration!" "Caesar, the coffers are empty." "We had to find a solution." "Pardon me for involving you in such a farce." "Tomorrow, I'll have it all moved." "Never mind." "We're all in the same boat." "Stay alert!" "Watch for my signal." "Are you in love, ladies?" "Make your gladiator glad!" "Wear Frivolitus!" "Ready to go, boys?" "We'll eat those Romans alive." "We'll make mincemeat of the Egyptians." "How's Ben-Hur Marcel?" "Fine!" "But a bit tired from tuning up his chariot." " Have you seen it?" " No, not yet." "You should." "It concerns you most of all." " Worth a detour?" " And how!" "Divine Cleopatra, mighty Caesar, hail!" "Ladies and gentlemen of Rome, foreign friends, today's games offered by mighty Caesar to divine Cleopatra will allow us to designate but one victor!" "First event, the chariot race!" "The chariots are ready to start!" "They're coming onto the track." "I'll give you their names and numbers before the draw." "The Greek entry driven by Efistalopoulos for King Simonides' stables has been scratched and will be replaced by chariot 2." "Now they're off and it's an admirable sight!" "A remarkable ballet of machines, men and horses in perfect harmony!" "The haughty herd of hammering hooves makes the dust dance like stars in the sparkling air of the multi-hued arena." "What's going on?" "The chariots are lining up before mighty Caesar, 5'9", 180 lbs, son of Nero, grandson of Caligula, a fine line that has given the empire so many leaders." "Ladies and gentlemen, in all my 40 years with Imperial Roman TV," "I have never seen such a thing!" "What's wrong with them?" "Mighty Caesar, consider the race over." "We abandon the competition." "We cannot race against Ben-Hur Marcel." "He is our master." "We ask you to declare him the winner." "This is absurd!" "Firstly, where is this Ben-Hur Marcel?" "My brother's good!" "Not bad!" "The chariot is illegal." "It meets Egyptian specifications." "Now!" "The Arab world respects Egypt's rules." "So we beg you, mighty Caesar, to declare Aminemefet the winner!" "They can't!" "They can." "They control all the energy, you idiot!" "What?" "The consul means we should be diplomatic with our powerful guests." "But they're going too far..." "Really!" "What do I do?" "Declare him the winner." "I declare Ben-Hur Marcel..." "Aminemefet..." "Aminemefet the winner!" "Divine Cleopatra, mighty Caesar, Romans, foreign friends," "Aminemefet of Egypt has won the chariot race." "But now he must confront gladiators, animals and other stuff." "Gladiators, to your places!" "The gladiators the young Pharaoh will face are, if I may say so, the crème de la crème of the Empire's fighters." "We are about to see the myrmidon Placius, trained by Valerian, the Thracian Mauritius who beat" "Homo Placus Miserias Ventris in 1 minute 27 seconds 6 tenths, and the fantastic, colossal and indeed scary Secutor Flavian Magister, of whom they say "Even when absent, he terrifies!"" "Those about to die in agonizing convulsions, writhing in pain in a pool of blood..." "Skip the details." "Those about to die salute thee!" "Fate will now designate Aminemefet's opponent." "Divine Cleopatra!" "Mighty Caesar!" "Aminemefet's fate lies in your hands!" "Divine Cleopatra..." "The honor is yours!" "5 and 2, 7." "6 and 3, 9." "Caesar, what opponent do you choose?" "I'll give him a tough one." "Secutor!" "Caesar has chosen Secutor." "He looks in shape." "The short guy?" "I'll waste him." "Yeah, you'll waste him but next Sunday some guy'll waste you!" "Weird job you do, getting beaten up all the time." "Caesar doesn't give a damn." "What's going on?" "Ya got no coverage!" "No social security!" "No Medicare!" "And because you die out there, not even a pension plan." "I'd change jobs." "What you say is true." "Ya ought to fight back." "Ya need a guy to defend your interests!" "He's hard to find." "Come here." "Hey, fellas!" "That's enough!" "What're you up to?" "Mighty Caesar." "I've talked to my comrades." "We feel our labor classification is unjust." "From now on, we want official gladiator status with social and fiscal advantages." "If not, we strike." "Right, guys?" "They're punch-drunk!" "Go fight!" "I'll give you what you want but fight!" "Get it in writing!" "We want that in writing!" "The Consul must meet your union rep." "The Consul must talk to our union rep!" "And who is your union representative?" "My colleagues and I have democratically elected Ben-Hur Marcel." "That pudgy thing'll drive me crazy!" "I'm fed up!" "Guards!" "Force the gladiators to fight!" " Well?" " No hassle!" "Go!" "No, mighty Caesar!" "We won't budge." "As the Roman security force, we're made to do the dirty work." "That's why we're hated." "We beat up students, we beat up workers, but we won't beat up strikers." "We're working for Ben-Hur Marcel from now on!" "Long live Ben-Hur Marcel!" "I don't feel at all well." "My gala is a bust!" "My arena, plastered with soap ads!" "My guards turned into sandwich-men!" "I'm covered with ridicule!" "They'll still be laughing in the 20th century!" "Get hold of yourself, mighty Caesar!" "I'm sick of that pudgy thing!" "Get rid of him." "Rid me of him!" "If you love me, get rid of him." "Calm down!" "Your wild beasts won't betray you." "They don't want welfare benefits!" "They don't?" "Straighten up!" "Be the mighty Caesar!" "At times, it's very hard." "Ok..." "Gladiators, is that your last word?" "Absolutely!" "What do I do?" "Explode or what?" "I'll hang on." "I'm Emperor." "Aminemefet, the winner!" "Romans!" "Respect for democratic principles forces me to yield to popular demands." "But the games are not over!" "The wild beasts are waiting!" "Aminemefet has won the gladiator event." "He'll now face a wild beast." "Divine Cleopatra!" "Caesar!" "Your play!" "A double 5!" "I love your hair." "You use a rinse?" "It's natural." "But I use cyclamen-juice shampoo." "I must try it." "Isn't it nice, Tatoous?" "Not bad, my Queen." "Well?" "A double 6!" "I get to choose." "What is Divine Cleopatra's choice?" "The lion!" "Cleopatra has chosen the lion!" "Yes!" "It's him!" "Lucien the Lion!" "Like 9 out of 10 beasts," "Lucien prefers Caninus!" "Caninus!" "The big feast in a little can!" "For silky fur, use Hairsheenus!" "The shampoo with that jungle aroma!" "We're on TV live!" "For free!" "Caninus, a feast for your pets!" "That lion's eaten so much, he can't get off his ass!" "Even the lion..." "Even the lion..." "Cleopatra!" "Caesar!" "I never saw this happen before!" "So..." "Aminemefet, the winner!" "Aminemefet, the winner!" "That does it." "Poison me!" "I want to die!" "Give me hemlock, with a little sugar." "You must congratulate the victor!" "Never!" "It's the tradition." "You must embrace the winner." "Embrace him?" "No, that's not possible." "I'd rather die!" "Come on, embracing a pudgy fellow won't kill you." "A pudgy one?" "He does seem rather nice." "I said so before!" "I must look like I was hit by a sphinx!" "A mess, eh?" "Look at my crown..." "I get so upset with myself." "Come on up!" "Congratulations, valiant young Pharaoh!" "And I love your outfit too." "Very attractive!" "Here's the trophy that will always remind the world of your great victory." "Thank you." "No, that's enough..." "Friends..." "My friends!" "Long live Ben-Hur Marcel!" "My message to you is but 1 word." "Reconciliation!" "You all think Caesar is shit." "Ya think the Consul and his men are shit." "Emirs, cops and the army are shit." "They think you're shit!" "And both sides are right!" "Cuz ya let 'em take ya for shit!" "Since we're all shit, why fight?" " Stop drinking, dear." " But, mommy..." "And don't mommy me!" "Being a mechanic wasn't my calling." "I just followed my dad." "Being Pharaoh suits me fine!" "Rubies are nice but can't go with everything." "8 days in Mesopotamia, I didn't bathe even once!" "A little lamb?" "Dancing girls?" "Coffee?" " Now that..." " A drop of coffee, yes." "You must tell me who does your gowns..." "Bethlehem is jammed with tourists and it's impossible to find an inn room." "A carpenter and his pregnant wife were forced to sleep in a stable where the woman gave birth to a son." "Such crap on TV!" "A kid in a stable!" "Big deal!" "Look!" "Isn't he sweet?" "Wait till he grows up!" "At least it's a boy!" "Can't they show sports?" "A kid born in a stable in Bethlehem!" "That's gonna change the world?" "What did I say?" "How'll a kid born in a stable change things?" "The divine child is born!" "Play your cassettus and transistory!" "The divine child is born!" "Let's videotape some History!"