"Have mercy." "What's that, Jody?" "Yeah, you can pick me up at 8:00, baby." "Yes, lord." "Your red tube top." "Asking out magazines, Will?" "I don't know." "Even paper products have some standards." "What's that, Jody?" "No, that's as tall as he'll ever be." "Hilary, you know I don't like wearing costumes." "But, Dad, I'm coming to Hilary's party as a ballerina." "That's the one thing I wanted to come as." "And it's taken?" "So sorry." "Please, Daddy, I want my Halloween party to turn out really good." "Couldn't you wear a very tailored clown suit or something?" "Go on, Uncle Phil." "You just throw a hairpiece on and come as Mr. T." "Yeah, Dad." "We're all wearing costumes." "I have some bad news for both of you." "You're not invited." "Why not?" "Every time I have a party, you spend all night hitting on my girlfriends." "Wait a minute, Hilary." "Everyone in the family is invited." "Besides, I'm sure Carlton and Will have dates." " Yeah, of course." " Oodles." "I guess all things are possible." "We better get going." "I need to get my costume and the mall closes in eight hours." "We all need costumes." "Let's go." " Won't this be fun?" " No." "Come on, Philip." "Get in the Halloween spirit." "So, what's that, Carlton?" "You do not have a date for tonight." "Like you do?" "Who are you taking, Page 42?" "Carlton, all I have to do is walk in a mall, and I get any girl I want." "It's the law of nature." "It's called the survival of the handsomest." "Will, I don't even have to step into the mall." "Girls surround me in the parking lot and rip the doors off my car." "Would you like to put your money where your mouth is?" "A betting man." "I bet you that I get a date... and you don't." "This is a sucker bet, Will." "Within an hour, I'll have a gorgeous date and a great Halloween costume." "You better buy the mask first." "Okay, we'll meet back at the car at 5:00." "And, Carlton and Will, good luck." "All right, Will." "Let the great pick-up contest begin." "Carlton, this is gonna be about as much of a contest... as Mike Tyson versus Fred Savage." "Welcome to Croissants Aplenty." "I'm Cindy, your waitress." "What's up, Cindy?" "I'm Will and this is Carlton, my geek." "Cindy, we need a woman's point of view." "Which one of us do you find more attractive?" "May I take your order?" "I'll have the goat cheese and the prosciutto croissant." "Y'all got any ribs?" "Okay, back to the bet." "A "date" is defined as a female who arrives at the party by midnight tonight." "And let me clarify something for you, Carlton:" "She has to be a human being." "I saw you looking in the pet store." "Hilary, I really don't think this store's gonna have my ballerina costume." "Ashley, you don't want to come to my Halloween party as a boring ballerina." "But, Hilary, I want to come in something pretty." "There." "You're Charlie Chaplin." " Who is Charlie Chaplin?" " He was a silent movie star." "So take a hint." "Let's get my outfits." ""Outfits"?" "How many costumes do you need?" "At least five." "I'm going as a runway model." " Anything I can help you with, sir?" " No, I'm just browsing." "Actually, I'm supposed to be shopping for a Halloween costume." "What's this?" "It's one of those things for finding your lost keys?" "Yes, but this one is totally new." "Are you constantly misplacing your keys?" "Just touch the button on the locator unit, and the keyring emits a gentle beep tone..." " to alert you to the whereabouts." " Nice, but what's new about that?" "Suppose you misplace your primary locator unit." "Just use the equally handsome secondary unit... and listen for the primary unit's own distinctive warbling." "That's a great idea." " What's this?" " It's a Dynatronics audio habitat enhancer." "I could use one of those." "What does it do?" "It produces a pleasant ocean sound, drowning out unpleasant noise pollution." " You have that problem in your house?" " Boy, do I!" "My wife's nephew." "The first week he moved in with us... there was nonstop drumming in the house." "Ashley, honey... where is your violin?" " Big Sal has it." " Big Sal?" "He owns this great store where you don't need any money." "You just go in and give him something you don't even want anymore..." " and he gives you this ticket." "Then..." " A pawnshop?" " You took her to a pawnshop?" " Yeah, it was really hard, too." "You don't have many pawnshops in Bel-Air." "That's really a shame." " I had to go all the way to East LA." " East LA?" " They gave me a great deal." " They gave you a set of drums." "And..." "I made them throw in a little gift for each of you." "Close your eyes." " Vivian!" " I want my present." "Okay, open." "What a lovely antique necklace." " What is this?" " Daddy, it's a diamond." "No, it isn't." " You don't like it?" " No, I do not." "Can I have it?" "How dare you pawn her violin!" " She don't even like playing it no more." " She will learn to like it later." "A young woman who can play a violin is an accomplished young lady." "A girlie that can play the drums can write her own ticket." "Will, I want the best for Ashley." "When I was a kid, I loved classical music, but my parents couldn't afford lessons." "I used to stand out in the parking lot of the Philharmonic... hoping to catch a spare note on the night air." "Philip, when I met you, you were into James Brown." " He liked James Brown?" " He even wore his hair like him." "He had hair?" "You know, it is possible to like both classical music and James Brown." "I could not agree more." "So let's let Ashley play whatever she wants." "She spent an entire year on the violin." "So if she wants to try something new, let her." "You tell him, Aunt Viv." " And as for you, young man..." " Love you." "The next time you decide to visit a pawnshop, don't." " Are we clear on that?" " Yes." "Master William, there is a young gentleman downstairs... with a rather large radio who is here to see you." " He claims his name is Jazz." " Yo, word up." "Send him up." " Now, who is this Jazz fellow?" " I heard the boy at a club." "He was all of that." "He will be Ashley's new music teacher." "Mr. Jazz." "It's nice to meet you, Jazz." "How do you do?" "I'm Mr. Banks." "You got that right." "Man, you're loaded!" "Yo, what's up, J.?" "Come on, let's just leave them alone." " I asked him to take her to her lesson..." " I know, baby." "Tell Mama all about it." "Ash, how about letting Jazz get busy one time?" "Excuse me, I'm looking for that store with the safari clothes." "I can't remember the name, but I think there's some produce in it." " Banana Republic." " That's it." "Thank you." "You have a beautiful speaking voice." "You're probably a dynamite singer." "Well, I'm okay." "You want to record your own song?" "$8.95." "I really have to shop for a Halloween costume." "That's too bad, because you're the first person I've met... who I think could make a professional, quality recording." " Hi, may I help you?" " I think so." "You look like a woman with good taste." "Tonight is my sister's Halloween party... and I was wondering if you can honor me by... showing me that pen." "Certainly." "This pen was manufactured in France." "It has a 14-karat gold nib and it's hand-lacquered." "The price is..." "Do I look like the kind of man who would quibble about a few dollars?" "That's very nice... because most of my customers would be shocked at a pen that costs $300." "Aren't these dancers great?" "You like dancers?" "I think dancers are the sexiest guys in the whole world." "Word?" "Yo, baby, peep this." "Hi, Shauna." "I'd like to try these on." "Hilary, hi." "I didn't even see you come in." "I was just getting my overview of your new stock." " It is all wonderful." " Wait till you see what I've held for you." "Thank you!" "It is so important to have friends in retail." "I've tried to explain that to my little sister." "Hilary, I'd love to meet her." "When are you gonna bring her in?" "She's right here." " Ashley, say hi to Shauna." " Hello." "Anyway, I need some outfits for my Halloween party tonight." "That should be fun." "As long as my cousin Will doesn't ruin it." "You should have seen what he did at our last party." "Oh, my God!" "Philip, don't make a big thing out of it." "If this is how he feels comfortable, he's not killing anybody." "Philip, aren't you going to introduce Will?" "Introduce him." "Steve, David, Henry... this is Will, my nephew by marriage." "Will, these are my partners in the law firm of Furth, Winn  Meyer." "Earth, Wind  Fire." "When's your next album coming out?" "Will is going to go to Bel-Air Academy with Carlton." "Good for you, Will." "I used to fence at Bel-Air." "Really?" "How much do you think we could get for that stereo?" " These hors d'oeuvres look tempting." " Don't mind if I do." " Will, there are other people at this table." " You're right." "Any requests?" " Sweetie, would you say grace, please?" " Yes, Mommy." ""Hey, there, Lord My name is Ashley Banks" ""My family and friends Want to give you some thanks" ""So before this dinner's All swallowed and chewed" ""Thank you, God, for this stupid food"" "The easy-to-read digital display keeps constant track of your pencil supply." "As you remove the pencils from the sturdy ABS plastic container... the powerful micro-computer brain continuously updates the LED read-out... and when the number reaches your preset re-supply level... the pencil monitor alerts you to the shortage... and reminds you to take action." "Only three pencils remain." "Proceed to stationery store immediately." "I'll take it." "I better get moving." "I'm sure my wife has picked out her costume by now." "Boys..." "I'd love to go to the Halloween party tonight... but I can only go with one of you." "Okay." "Tough luck, Carlton." "Beat it, see you, scram, sayonara, peace out." "And so long, screwy." "Not so fast." "I don't even know you." "Count your blessings." "Now do you see, miss?" "This is an example of the difference between the two of us." "While Carlton snaps at every opportunity to take a cheap shot..." "I'm the kindest, gentlest soul you'll ever want to meet." "Melinda, I'm nice to all people." "Young and old." "A couple weeks ago, Carlton's grandmother visited." "Who kept her company?" "Not Carlton." "Me." "It's 3:00 in the morning, Will." " How did you see me?" " Mama knows." "Look, Granny, please don't tell Uncle Phil." "I'm just a little bit past my curfew." "How much is a little?" "Let's just say I went out after I was supposed to be in." " Don't do it again." " All right." "What are you doing up so late?" "Child, I had to get up and get breakfast started." "I don't know what you all got that Geoffrey for." " Five-card draw?" " Yeah, I'm with it." "Granny, I really like you." "You and Grandpa, you have fun." "You tell jokes." " You all bust me up." " Thank you, son." "Hey, look, Granny, it's late, everybody's asleep." "You can level with me." "Uncle Phil's adopted, right?" "Now, we're real proud of Zeke." "Did you know he won The Young Farmers of America Pig Raising trophy?" "No." "I didn't know that, but I'd love to have some details about that." "Won it four years running." "They had to retire his slop bucket." "Slop bucket?" "I can't wait till he wakes up." "Respect your elders, son." "See, I beat you." "You know, he was the first Black President of the Young Farmers." " Was that like a big thing?" " Oh, my, yes!" "I beat you again." "That was awfully sweet of you to play cards with her." "Sweet?" "Well, some would say that, but... it was just me being my thoughtful self." "Reality check." "This guy is far from thoughtful." "He's the most selfish, irresponsible person I have ever met." "A few weeks ago, I went on a car trip, and this guy caused all kinds of trouble." "Plans for Palm Springs." "One:" "Work on golf swing." "Two:" "Review SAT practice book." "Three:" "Ask Mr. Furth about a summer internship." "Four:" "Get the stick out of your butt!" "Way to go, Will." "You almost made us crash." "What are you think you're doing here anyway?" "Come on." "Just relax." "Pretend I'm not even here." "Gladly." "What you eating?" "For crying out loud." "Can I have some?" "All right, Will." "I'll share my snack with you on one condition." "When we get to Palm Springs, you'll behave like a proper gentleman... and try to maintain some sense of decorum and etiquette." " Understood?" " Yeah." "Good." "What do you say to an Oreo?" "I say, "What's up, Carlton?"" "He hid in the back seat?" "It got worse." "Because of his antics, we got arrested and thrown in jail." "He's only telling one side of the story, Melinda." "When we were in jail, this boy cracked." "I had to do everything in my power to try to hold him together." "This is terrible." "I'm ruined." "I'll be kicked out of the glee club, I won't get into Princeton." "I won't be admitted to the bar." "Neither will I. The cops took my fake ID." "Come on, man, don't give me that my-dog-is-dead face." " Come on." "Let's sing." " I'm not singing." "This is just retarded." "Come on, man, let it go." "You'll feel better." "Melinda, I've been charitable so far, but now's the time to take off the gloves." "You don't know what a date with Will is like." "One evening, not so long ago, Will was walking a young lady home..." "Yo, I told you, babe." "A date with me is a night to remember." "What'd you think of dinner?" "Dinner?" "It was just a Slurpee." "I did that for you, baby." "Keep that body of yours slim, trim, and ready for action." "Well, your hamburger and fries sure did look good." "Baby, that's man food." "It's getting awfully late, Will." "Shouldn't we take a cab?" "Well, that's awfully expensive, baby." "Let's just walk down this dark alley." "All right, punk." "Your money or your girlfriend." " My brother, you're making this too easy." " Will!" "Unhand her." "And who are you?" "Banks." "Carlton Banks." "One second, Melinda, please." "Carlton, what the hell was that?" "That never happened." "It could have." "Besides, when we made this bet... there was nothing in the rules that said no lying." "Well, you know, two can play at that game." "Hey." "What were you two talking about?" "I was just asking Carlton how long he's been a pathological liar." "And he said ever since he was the Emperor of China." " You mean, the story wasn't true?" " Of course not." "I'll tell you what a typical night with me is like." "Master William, you have a visitor." "A Mr. Jackson." "Come on, G. I don't have time for these interruptions." "I got homework forever." "Tell Michael I'll have to work on his dance steps later." "That's Bo Jackson." "Yo, what's up, babe?" "Watch the handshake, man." "There goes baseball season." "My fault." "What you need, man?" "I'm throwing this formal dinner party... and Bo don't know what to serve." "No problem." "Let me hook you up with my resident fun expert." " Hey, yo, Heav." " You rang?" "Bo Jackson, Heavy D." " Yo." " Yo, Bo." "Tell Heav your problem." "I'm throwing this formal dinner party." "And when it comes to cooking, Bo don't know diddley." "I think that's pronounced diddley, diddley." "Heav, show Bo around the kitchen." "No problem." "Follow me, your running backness." "Thanks so much for letting me be your close and personal friend." "Back at you, babe." "Hello." "Hey, Will, what's up?" "This is Malcolm." "Yo!" "What up, home?" "I'm going on this date tonight." "And I really want to impress this girl, and I was wondering if... maybe I could tell her I know you?" "Malcolm." "Look, I understand your instinct... but you shouldn't try to impress a girl with who you know." "It's much better that she like you just for yourself." "If she gets to know the Malcolm I know, I don't think she'll be able to resist." "Thanks a lot, Will." "I don't know what I would do without you as a close, personal friend." " Peace, man." " Hey, peace, babe." "Master William, you have another visitor." "Come on, G, please." "I got to get my homework done." "Terribly sorry, sir, but he's otherwise engaged." "But I happen to be his close, personal friend." "Will, I got a serious problem." "Tonight I'm supposed to go in the studio and finish up a record." "I can't find the lead singer." "This is real important to me." "I need your help this time, man." "First of all, let's check our ego at the door." " Q, I saved your butt before." " I know." "That Thriller thing." "Q, as always, you need a singer, I'll get you a singer, man." "Yo, what's up, man?" "This is Prince." "I got Quincy Jones over here." "Dude is in pain." "Could you come right over?" "All right." "In a minute, babe." " Who was that?" " Oh, a close, personal friend." "Mr. Al B. Sure." " What's going on, man?" " Yo, what's up?" "I'm glad you could come on such short notice." " I need a big favor." " Anything for you." " Quincy Jones, Al B. Sure." " AI B." "Hey, Quincy Jones." "What's happening?" " Yo, y'all get to work on that track." " Let's do it." "Will, 8:30, I've got to see A Different World." "I'm sorry." "Yeah, man." "I love that show." "Really?" " Hey, yo, K." " What?" "What's happening, babe?" "I want you to meet a couple of close, personal friends of mine." "Quincy Jones, Al B. Sure." "Kadeem Hardison." "Man, this dude knows everybody." " How'd you guys meet?" " How'd we meet?" "I'm a big Giants fan and Will is a big Philadelphia Eagles fan." "It was the biggest game of the season." "The Giants were up by five." "Randall Cunningham had been knocked out of the game by Lawrence Taylor." "The Eagles were desperate." "They had nowhere to go." "They knew that there was only one man in Philadelphia... to be called on in this situation." "They looked at the stands." "There he stood:" "Will Smith." "He came down, got in the game... threw a 72-yard touchdown pass to himself... in street clothes." "When the game was over, the crazy crowd mobbed and pulled him... they ripped him, pulled him." "He broke away." "He ran and gave the game ball to this little kid... standing on the sideline with tears in his eyes." "That little kid was me." " I love you." " I love you, man!" " Straight up, man!" " I know." "All right, chill." "You know, fellas... straight-up." " I feel a lot of love in this room." " Yes, brother." "And I just want to say I feel real happy... to have such good, close personal friends as you guys." "We're lucky to know you, too." "Come on, y'all, let's sing." "Here." "Yeah, that was a kind of slow night for me." "So come on, what's up?" " Come to the party with me." " No, come to the party with me." "Guys, you have both made such good cases for yourself... it makes it even harder to choose." "So, I'm going to have to go with basic... raw, physical attraction." "What time should I be there, Carlton?" "Excuse me." "Let me see that hat." "Okay, but I don't think it works with that outfit." " Did you pay for this?" " No, I guess I forgot to." "But you just had to have to it?" "Me?" "You've got to be kidding." "Derbies went out six months ago." "Let's take a little walk to the security office." "You can give me your fashion dos and don'ts there." "I knew I should have gone as a ballerina." "Okay, people, let's go." "Let's move along." "There's no show." "Let's go." "Move along, please." "Welcome back to Croissants Aplenty." "I didn't order..." "What kind of a croissant is that?" "It's peanut butter." "And it's on the house." "Looks like it's been on the floor." "You look a little down." "Did you lose the contest to your friend?" "Yeah." "Who'd have guessed it?" "Especially in a place this well lit." "Strange things happen on Halloween." "Don't remind me." "I got to go to that party tonight on the solo tip." "Don't feel too bad." "There's bound to be at least one other guy there without a date." "Yeah." "You know, Cindy, you're probably right." "Master William, there were three phone messages for you." "From a Miss Karen, a Miss Judy, and a Miss Trisha." "What did they say?" ""How desperate do you think I am?"" ""Not on your life."" "And, "Ha ha ha ha ha..." ""ha."" "So, why did the security guard stop you, Hilary?" "It seems I fit the description of a shoplifter they've been trying to catch." "What was the description?" "I don't know exactly, but it's fair to guess that "stunning" was part of it." "Eugene said he was sorry." "Who is Eugene?" "The security guard." "Hilary invited him to the party." "Why did you do that?" "It seemed to speed up the paperwork." "Before the party starts, I think I'll go up and get some rest." "Wait a minute." "Philip, you didn't get a costume." "You went to that silly gadget store." "I didn't buy a silly gadget." "I bought a stapler." "Only three pencils remain." "Proceed to stationery store immediately." "Everyone go get ready." "I'm going to put my costume on now." "What is it, Hilary?" "A gorgeous Yves Saint Laurent dress." "Scary." "I just got off the phone with Melinda, my date." "She's coming as Mrs. Santa Claus." "I hope that doesn't conflict with what your date will be wearing." "For your information, I have a date." "What's her name?" "Janet Girlie." "Geoffrey, isn't this a fabulous party?" "The entire Brat Pack is here, plus two Twin Peakers." "Oh, Miss Ashley." "You look absolutely splendid in your costume." "I wanted to come as a ballerina... but I guess a short guy with a mustache is the next best thing." "Carlton." "White face and lipstick." "Boy, you're living out all your fantasies tonight, huh?" "So, sore loser, is your date here yet?" "She'll be here." "Will, for your information, the skeleton over there is Elizabeth McGovern... and the unicorn standing next to her is Kevin Bacon." "And they both wish you would stop hitting on them." "Why did you come as Elton John?" "I'm supposed to be Superfly, Hilary." "Well, your super fly's open." "Trick or treat!" "Can I take a look inside those bags, please?" "What kind of outfit is that for a Halloween party?" "I'm going as Comfortable Man." "Is that a comic-book hero?" "Sort of." "He has superhuman bill-paying powers... so he gets to dress however he likes." "Love that costume, Daddy." "Oh, no." "Well, Philip, do you know who I'm supposed to be?" "I don't care." "You look fantastic." "What are you looking at, clown?" "Oh, look." "There's Kiefer Sutherland talking to River Phoenix." "What happened to your date, Carlton?" "Did she hit her head and her eyesight come back?" "She's powdering her nose." "I can understand your bitterness, Will." "The party's almost over, and you lost the bet." "Ladies and gentlemen..." "Cinderella." "Hello." "Is my prince here?" "Hello, Will." "Do I know you?" "Give a guy your last peanut-butter croissant... he forgets you in a minute." "Cindy?" "The waitress?" "That's right." "Baby, that hairnet was doing nothing for you." "Will, can I be your date tonight?" "Baby, forget tonight." "Let's block out the next 50 years." "Why did you decide to come?" "Well, when the two of you showed up at the restaurant..." "I thought you were just a couple of macho clods." "But when you came back, you were so sweet." "I guess I'm a sucker for a sad puppy." "This doesn't affect our bet, Will." "I still found a date first." "Stop it!" "Let go of me, you creep!" "Eugene, what are you doing?" "I thought... our agreement was you could come to my party... but you couldn't falsely arrest anybody." "This isn't a false arrest." "This is the shoplifter I mistook you for." "This girl's a kleptomaniac." " My silverware." " That's my watch." "My date." "Let this be a lesson to all of you." "You don't have to break the law to have a happy Halloween." "Good night, now." "Will, may I have this dance?" "Yeah, baby." "Your prince is in effect." "Where do you live?" "I live with my stepmother and her two daughters... in Encino." "So, do you work every night?" "Yeah." "I have to stay at the cafe and wait for everyone to leave, and sweep up." "Where'd you get this fly costume at?" "Well, I was sweeping up, and an old lady came in... and she..." "It's a long story." "Oh, no." "I didn't know it was so late." "I've got to go." "Cindy, wait!" "I'm sorry, Will." "Her slipper." "Could it be?" "I've been touched by magic." "Oh, my God." "I can't believe I dropped my shoe." "Maybe I should try some of those insole thingies." "Listen, here's my number." "Call me tomorrow." "I can't believe Carlton went to sleep." "Why couldn't he help us clean up?" "If you found out the only person in the world that would go out with you... was mentally deranged, you'd go to bed early, too." "Trick or treat!" "I'm sorry, we're out of candy." "How come you guys came so late?" "We were watching Matlock." "I got something better than candy." "A scary story." "It was a cold, dreary, wintry night." "October 31 was the date." "There was a couple of little kids dressed just like you... trick or treating in Bel-Air around 8:00." "Now, normally Bel-Air was safe and sound." "But this year, things were ill." "But, as on every Halloween, the parents sent their kids out... not knowing this year it wasn't chill." "There was a rude awakening in this Bel-Air town... no more tranquility or peace." "Not Jason, Michael Myers, or Freddie Krueger... but this monster was called the Bel-Air Beast." "This monster was dreadfully ugly... and he bothers you when you're all alone." "A face like nothing you've ever seen before... and he reeks of Polo cologne." "He stalks his victims slowly, with the world's most terrible breath." "But he doesn't use an axe or a chain saw... he talks his victims to death." "So if you see this monster... run and don't look back, kids." "This monster's called the Bel-Air Beast... and, oh, my goodness, there he is!" "English"