"ÍDogs Barking]" "[ Toys Squeaking ]" "[ Dogs Whimpering ]" "[ Guns Cocking ]" "Ah, the Heckler  Koch G-36." "Quite deadly in the right hands." "Ah, Agent One." "I have been so looking forward to this moment." "Well, in that case, I'll try not to disappoint." "You overestimate your power over women, Mr English." "I'd say that would be virtually impossible." "Sir?" "Sir?" " Sir!" "Have you got them?" " [ Gasps ]" " Hmm?" " The mission documents." "Agent One's flying tonight." "Yes, the mission documents." "They're here somewhere." "Ah, here we are." "Agent One." "Gentlemen." "I'm here for my documents." "Bough, Agent One's documents, please." " [ Clears Throat ]" " Thankyou." "Your mission documents, Agent One." "including the codes for the submarine hatch, which I've checked myself." "Thankyou." "So, is itjust France tonight, or will you be slipping over the Pyrenees as well?" "If I told you that, I'm afraid I'd have to kill you." "Oh." "[ Nervous Chuckle ]" "ÍMuttering] Oh, yes, yes." "Well, lexpectyou would." "Cheerio, Agent One." "Bonne chance." "Arrivederci." "Such class." "Such distinction." "ÍBell Tolling] To:" "Ml7 All Depts." "Urgent Agent One killed in action in Biarritz." "Submarine hatch failed to open." "Thegreatestsecret agent England's everhadsnuffedout in an instant." "Terrible." "Do you know what makes us envied the world over, Bough?" " That there's always another agent waiting to step in." " Absolutely, sir." "And every last one ofthem is gathered around that grave." "It is ourhonourandprivilege toguardthem while theygrieve." "Theirlives are in ourhands, Bough." "[ Tyres Screeching ]" "Everything in order, English?" "I thinkyou'll fiïnd it's rather more than just in order, sir." "You're now entering the most secure location in the whole of England." "ÍCowMooing]" "ÍMan]Pegasus, we fiace a nationalcrisis." "Agent One was clearly onto something, and we have to fiïnd out what." "I need another agent on this." "Who else is there?" "No one, Prime Minister." "They all died in the explosion." "All ofthem?" "Well, luckily there is one who survived." "Who?" "~ One eye on theshadows ~" "~ Protectinghis fiellows ~" " ~ From sunup tillthe moon on hisback ~ - [ Grunting ]" " ~ Sendin' villains to Hades A hit with the ladies ~" "Johnny English." "~ A stallion in thesack ~" " ~ You can'tgetyourlifie back when right fiollows left,Jack ~ - [ Groaning ]" "~ The moreyousee the lessyou know ~" "~ When others wouldleakit Hisservice issecret ~" "~ Plays God when it'syourtime togo ~" "~ Hey, fiellas Don't bejealous ~" "~ When theymade him theybroke the mould ~" "~ So charismatic with an automatic ~" "~ Neverprematurely shootinghis load ~" "Hahl" "~ Queen andcountry safie andsound ~" "~ With villains six fleet underground ~" "~ Andno one knows 'cause no one's fioundanytrace ~" "~ Ofia man fiorallseasons ~" "~ Loves 'em andleaves 'em alone ~" "~ So alone ~" "~ Andyou andl wouldn 't have a clue who's doin' what, why, when and who ~" "~ Up a creek with no canoe Watch out ~" "~ Forthe man fiorallseasons ~" "~ Loves 'em andleaves 'em alone ~" "~ So alone ~" " ~ Butsafie at home ~ - ~ Butsafie at home ~" " ~ Oh, yeah, yeah ~ - ~ Butsafie at home ~" "~ Butsafie at home Butsafie at home ~" "~ Thenyou andl wouldn 't have a clue who's doin' what, why, when and who ~" "~ Up a creek with no canoe Watch out ~" "~ Forthe man fiorallseasons ~" "~ Loves 'em andleaves 'em alone, so alone ~" "~ Butsafie at home ~ ~" "Right." "Johnny English." "I'm here to see Pegasus." "Still, no sense rushing things." "There aresome itemsyou need to sign befioreyourbriefiing." "This is your new retinal l.D. card, andthis isyourlevelnine security clearance." "Sign and date, please." "Ah." "Oh, reminds me ofthe old service issue ballpoint." "I remember every agent would carry a pen that looked just like this." "Completely innocent to the untrained eye, but click it twice" "[ Gasps ]" "Ah, English, thereyou are." "Have you seen my secretary?" "Um... she went out." "Um... shall we?" "Now, Agent One believedthat there was aplot to stealthe CrownJewels." "They've recentlybeen through a multimillion-poundrestoration, largelypaidfior bya corporatesponsor." "They're due to be unveiled tonight at the Tower of London." "The queen is insisting that the ceremony goesahead, so what we wantyou to" "Hah!" "Who" " Who" "Who is the sponsor, sir?" "Pascal Sauvage." "What, that flouncy Frenchman who owns a couple of prisons?" "Sauvage's £7 billion empire, English, operates over 400 prisons in 60 countries." " He's built 25 ofthem here." " Right, sir." "The man's relatedto the royalfiamily, fiorgoodness'sake." "Asfiaras theprime minister's concerned, he's one ofithe greatest firiends England'sgot." "Now, English, I want you at the Tower tonight, monitoring this unveiling." "Any chink in security, any weakness, howeverslight, must bepluggedimmediately." "Do we understandeach other?" " Perfectly, sir." " Good." " Oh, yes." " And, uh, English... we can't afford any mistakes-- not tonight." "The word "mistake," sir, is not one that appears in my dictionary." "THE TOWER OF LONDON" "[ Engine Revs ]" "Fantastic car, sir!" "Mr English, Colonel Sir Anthony Chevenix, head of Royal Security." "Ah, Colonel, good evening." " Snipers posted on the roof as per my request?" " Thirteen ofthem." " Windows?" " Refiïtted with bullet- and shatter-proof glass." "I shall now mingle inconspicuously with the guests." " Let me know when Her Majesty arrives." " Very good." "Shall I mingle with you, sir?" "Oh, yes, Bough." "Once you've checked the roof." "[ Screaming ]" "Help!" "Help!" "Well, hello." "Hello yourself." "Johnny English." "Lorna Campbell." "A Bloody Mary, please, not too spicy." "So, are you here in some professional capacity?" "I worked on the restoration ofthejewels." " lntriguing." " And yourself?" "If I told you that, I'm afraid I'd have to kill you." "I'd like to see you try." "Monsieur Sauvage, on behalfof Her Majesty, may I welcome you to the Tower." "Merci, monsieur." "So, are you here alone, Mr English?" "That's how I choose to live my life, Miss Campbell." "Women want safety, security." "I can offer them nothing but danger." "Some women fiïnd danger very attractive." "Women like you, Miss Campbell?" "Women like me expect men like you... to fiïnd that out foryourself." "Hmm." "Madame." "Oh, it's for me, actually." "Could your rustle up some ofthose cheesy niblets?" "Now, where were we?" "You obviously haven't met our host, Monsieur Sauvage." "No, thank God." "You know, I think I'd rather have my bottom impaled on a giant cactus... than exchange pleasantries with thatjumped-up Frenchman." "Asfiarasl'm concerned, the onlything the French shouldhost isan invasion." "[ Snickers ] Sorry, can I help?" "Pascal Sauvage, jumped-up Frenchman." "Lorna Campbell. I've been so looking forward to meeting you." " Enchanté." " [ Muttering ]" "But ofcourse!" "You'reJohnny English." "I've heard all about you." "And between you and me, I'm not so keen on the French myself." "Butplease don't tellthem that." "Let mego andsearch fioryournibbly cheese bits." " No, no, no. l-- - l insist." "The French are, after all, fantastic waiters." " The best in the world." " Well" " But-But" " Wait here, and I will wait on you." " No, really." "There's no" "No." "Please, please, please!" "Hmm." "Les Français." "llssont very..." "n'est-cepas?" "Ladies and gentlemen, mesdames est messieurs, bienvenus, welcome tonight to this wonderful occasion." "As westandhere in the TowerofiLondon, the most famous prison in the world, where these wonderful jewels willrestsafiely... under lock and key, I want to thankyou... for giving me this wonderful experience... to contribute to the restoration ofthesejewels." "It was, as we say in France, le top, le best of." " [ Feigned Chuckle ]" " And what a beautifiul" "[ Screaming ]" "[ Grunts ]" "ÍWoman Screams] lt's Colonel Chevenix!" "He's got a nasty wound, sir." "Who hit him?" "The assailant." "He ran in here." "Bough, you guard the door." "Aha!" "[ Grunting ]" "ÍPounding, Grunting]" "For God's sake, Bough, don't come in." "The man's a maniac!" " [ Guests Gasp ]" " You don't firighten mel" " ÍGlass Shatters]" " Missedl" "ÍGuests Gasping]" "[ Grunting Continues ]" "ÍKarate Yells]" "ÍBody Falls]" " ÍGuests Gasping] - l've managed to subdue the assailant." "Thepanic's over." "Everything's undercontrol." " ÍApplause] - [ Chevenix Groans ]" "Thankyou." "And now, ladies and gentlemen, we should compose ourselves for the arrival of Her Majesty... and return to the site ofour great nation's... magnifiïcently restored CrownJewels." "[ All Gasping ] I know." "I feel it too." "The verysymbols ofiourislandnation, so close we could almost reach out and-  ~ ~ ÍTrumpet Fanfiare]" " Praysilence fiorHerMajestythe Queen." "ÍQueen] Oh, where are thejewels?" "ÍPegasus] lt'san unmitigateddisaster, English." "I couldn't agree more, sir." "Well, we need to get these jewels back, English, and fast." "Tellme about thisassailant." "When theysearchedthe room, there wasno sign ofihim." "Well, the man was clearly a professional." "He must have escaped while the queen was being sedated." "But he's the only lead we've got." "We have to fiïnd him." "Come in." "This is-- This is Roger from Data Support." "Please sit down." "He'll produce a likeness based on your description." "So tell us, what didthisman looklike?" "Um... well... he was... big." " Hair colour?" " Um... orange." " Orange?" " Mmm." "And curly." "Well, frizzy, actually." "Frizzy sort ofthing." " Frizzy." " An eyepatch." "Broken nose." "Very few teeth." "Two, I wouldsay, at the most." "And a scar on his cheek... in the shape... ofa banana." " Which cheek?" " Both cheeks." "They sort of met in the middle." "Are you sure about this, English?" "ÍGasps] Oh, yes, that'shim." "An uncanny resemblance." "Why, it'sjust as if he's in the room with us." "ÍHorn Honking, Tyres Screeching]" "WowlLookat this, sir." "Got allthe bellsand whistles." "Never mind about the gadgets." "Just focus on the case." "[ Horn Honks ]" "[ Engine Revs ]" "Oh, uh" "Good morning, gentlemen." "Thankyou very much for waiting." "Now, the question that faces us this morning is a simple one." "Namely, how did the thieves gain access to this highly secure environment... andthen escape with thejewelsafterwards?" "A simple question, but one which lbelieve hasa complexanswer." " Actually, sir" " Uh, please, Bough." "My mind is at work." "Now, what you must grasp, gentlemen, is that the master criminal... seesnot a room but a series ofiopportunities." "Should I go in through the window?" "Possibly." " Should I drop down from the ceiling?" " Actually, sir" "There's one thing I think we can be fairly confiïdent about, that is that they didn't come up through the floor-- l've got you, sir." "That's all right." "Just come my way, Bough." " That'll bring me right over the hole, sir." " There's no need to panic." "Can you see the bottom yet, Bough?" "Notyet, sir." "Theshaft appears to be narrowing." "I'mjust a little bit worried lmightgetstuck." "Trust me, Bough." "You won't get stuck ifyou just keep moving." "Yes, sir." "ÍBough Grunting] I'm okay, sir." "Are you at the bottom now, Bough?" "No, lam in fiact stucknow, sir." "Oh, for God's sake, Bough." "Stay there!" "I'm coming down." "Uh, I'm not especiallysure that'sagoodidea, sir." "Don't worry." "Be carefiul, sirl" "Gently does it." " [ Screaming ]" " Sir?" " Are you all right, sir?" " Yes. I landed on something quite soft." " That was me, sir." " Oh, good." "What now?" "There's no way back up there, that's for sure." "But this must lead somewhere." "I'm slightly uncomfortable in the dark, sir." "There's nothing to worry about, Bough." " lt may be pitch black, but we can still see." " Can we, sir?" "How?" "The Bedouin monks of the Al Maghreb mountains... developed a system ofsonic chanting." " l see, sir." " The sound oftheir chanting... would bounce back offany obstacles, and using their highly tuned ears... they could paint a mental picture ofthe path ahead." " Brilliant, sir." " However, you must always sing in E-flat." "~ ~ [ Humming ]" "~ E-flat, E-flat, E-flat ~" "~ Thankyou for the music The songs I'm singing ~" " ls it working, sir?" " Extremely well, thankyou, Bough." "~ Thanks for all thejoy that-- ~ ~" " ÍThud]" " Ow!" "You all right, sir?" "I think I can see something, sir." "Oh, yeah." "Come on." "ÍQuiet Chattering]" "ÍMan] Here is the long one." "ÍMan #2] lt isa long one." "Careful." " l knew it." " Shall we call for backup, sir?" "What?" "And watch some fat-bottomed bobby make our arrest for us?" "I don't think so." "Good morning, gentlemen." "Ml7 at your service." "Observe, Bough, the dull incompetence ofithe criminalmind." "It can never hope to match our level oftechnical expertise." " [ Tyres Screeching ] - [ Coughing ]" " You've got it." " ÍBough] What do we do now, sir?" "Watch and learn, Bough." " They're too far ahead of us." " Have faith, Bough." "They're heading south." "[ Nuns Screaming ]" " There they are, sir!" "Just as I thought." " Hang on tight, Bough." " [ Bough Groaning ]" " [ Horns Honking ]" " We're never gonna catch them in this." " Take the wheel, Bough." "I'm getting in the Aston." " Sir?" "ÍTruckHorn Honking]" "Change places, Bough." "I'm getting out the other side." "Sir?" "Set, Bough." "Take me up." "Swing me out, Bough!" " Whoa." " Down." " [ Horn Honking ]" " Up!" "Up!" "Sorry!" "Bough, pull out!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Those idiots are right behindus." "Fasterl" "[ Horns Honking ]" "Uh-huh." "ÍBeeping]" "ÍHorn Honking]" "Drop me here, Bough!" "Ow!" "Oh." "No!" "No!" "No!" "ÍBough] Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no." "ÍEngineStarts, Revs]" "[ English ] They're turning into the Brompton Cemetery." "Get here as soon as you can." "I'm going in." "In a wheelchair." "But Geoffrey overcame these terrible disabilities... with that simple resilience and sunny optimism... that so warmed all of us who knew him, spending the rest of his life in the service... ofthe poor and disabled ofthis parish." "It's very good." "Really very good." "No, no, please go on." "I'm sorry to interrupt." " lt's veryentertaining." " Who's that?" "That priest act ofyours should keep the other prisoners entertained for hours." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "Where are my manners?" "Johnny English," "British Secret Service, and you are all under arrest." "I must say you've done this whole thing very well." "The attention to detail is excellent." "You, the grieving granny, you're very convincing." "Oh, look." "Real tears." "Do you get paid extra for that?" "Ahh, what we're all here for." "I know!" "Why don't we take a look inside?" " ÍMourners Gasp]" " Oh, you've nailed it down!" "Why wouldyou do that?" "I know you're gonna come back in two weeks and dig it up again." "~ ~ [ Hums ]" "Now, what are you playing in this little vignette ofdeceit and villainy?" "I'm the hearse driver." " You're the hearse driver?" " Yes, sir." " You're the hearse driver?" " Yes, sir." "AhlAhal" "There you are..." "Gunther." "Uh, Ido hope he hasn 't made a nuisance ofihimselfi." "I'm Doctor, um..." "Bough, ofthe Lunatic Response Unit." "I'm afraid Gunther here wasn't supposed to be released until 2028." "Isn't that right, Gunther?" "Yes, yes, there'sbeen the most monumentalcock-up." "Um, ifyou'll excuse me, with the deepest respect, utmost sympathy." "Uh, he hasn't urinated on anyone, has he?" " No." " No, no." "That's a blessing." "Are you gonna give me the gun, Gunther?" "There." "That wasn't too diffiïcult, was it?" " Are you going to come home now?" " [ Speaking Gibberish ]" "ÍSpeaking Gibberish]" "Oh... in the van!" "Yes, we are going in the van." "Yes, yes." "Vroom, vroom." " Vroom, vroom." "Vroom, vroom." " Yes." "Yeah." " [ Gibberish ]" " Yes." "He's waving good-bye." "Good-bye, everyone." " Good-bye." " Good-bye, Gunther." "Mind the nice dead people." "There we go." "[ Squeaks ]" "Oh, we'lljustgo to thepath here." "There." "Bigstep." "It's a graveyard. lt's where they bring people" "Yes, all right." "You can stop now." " For appearances, I'll just hold your arm." "Just keep walking." "In fact, run, run, run!" "I can't believe I've done this." "I mean, I really cannot believe I've done this!" "You see, 200 years ago, my family should have inherited the throne of England, but they were cast aside." "Well, in a few very short days, it will be back where it belongs." "With me." "Shall I try it on?" "Yes?" "No?" "Maybe?" "To make you king, we need the archbishop of Canterbury to do that." "The archbishop of Canterbury... isbeing taken care ofi even as we speak." "TARGET acquired" "TARGET LOCKED" "There's onlyone thing, sir." "What are wegoing to do about English?" "If I were you, I wouldn't worry too much about English." "He is no threat to us." "I had his flat bugged." "[ Karate Yells ]" " [ Yells ] - [ Duck Squeaks ]" "Clearly, the aptly named English is a fool." "He might be a fool, but he's a fool who keeps showing up." "Well, the next time he shows up, eliminate him." "Thankyou." "Dieter Klein and Klaus Vendetta, sir." "Released from prison six months ago." "327 convictions between them." "Armed robbery, grievous bodily harm... and combined parking fiïnes of more than 400" "Uh, yes, all right." "Thankyou, Bough." "I think we get the picture." "The point is, sir, that Vendetta and Klein... are both in the employ of Monsieur Sauvage." " Pascal Sauvage?" " Precisely, sir." "But you're not suggesting Sauvage is involved?" "I think he's more than just involved, sir." "I'm convinced he's up to his French neck in it." "Don't be absurd." "Sauvage employs thousands of people." "Just because two ofthem are villains doesn't mean that he is." "I want him discounted from this investigation immediately." "Yes, sir." "Allright." "Tonight lshallbe atSauvage's reception fiorthe newFrench ambassador." "Any developments, you can reach me there." "Apart from that, I don't want you within a hundred miles ofthe man." "Absolutely, sir." "Requisition order:" "Ml7 quartermasters for immediate supply;" "one military transport plane, fully fueled, with permission for nighttime city over flight;" "two night camouflage parachutes, plus reserves, plus neoprene bodysuits, twice, in black." "I've never liked the navy blue." "And a 40-inch chest for me 'cause I need the sleeve length." " Morning, Felch." " Morning." "Oh, and two Special Forces signet rings, primed and colour-coded." " What's all this for?" " For tonight's operation." "We're going to break into Sauvage's headquarters." " But Pegasus said" " Let me worry about Pegasus." "I know that Sauvage is behind all this, and tonight we're going to get the evidence." " ls something wrong, sir?" " Did that sound like Felch to you?" "[ Whispers ] Bough" "[ Whispers ] You, upstairs." "[ Grunts, Groans ]" "Ow." "Can you see him, Bough?" "He's on the upper level, sir." "Got him." "And like a coiled viper..." "he strikes." "ÍBough Groans]" "So what you're saying, sir, is there must have been two ofthem?" "Oh, at least, Bough." "Possibly four." "I wonder why I didn't see them." "You mustn't dwell on your mistakes." " You must learn from them, then move on." " Yes, sir." " So where were you, sir?" "Just drop it, Bough!" " Aah!" "What is it, sir?" " That bike." "You get things sorted out for tonight." "Well, well, we meet again." "Mr English." "What a pleasant surprise." "I wondered when you might show up again." "On the contrary, Miss Campbell. lt is not I who keeps showing up. lt's you." "Do you like sushi?" "Hmm?" "Oh, sushi!" "I practically live offthe stuff." "You might say the mysteries ofthe Orient are no mystery to me." " Sake?" " Ah." "Sake." "[ SpeakingJapanese ] Cheers." "May all your daughters be born with three bottoms." "Now then, perhaps you can explain how it is... that I run into you at two crime scenes... and then can't fiïnd any record ofyou on a single government computer." "Shouldn't you ask the government that?" "I am the government and I'm asking you." "Let me." "Mmm." "You're brave." "They say that sea urchin's the ultimate acquired taste." "Hmm. lt's a personal favourite of mine." "I think people are put off by how it feeds through its bottom." "Would you excuse me for a moment?" "[ Gagging ]" "[ Shouting lnJapanese ]" "Excuse me." "Sorry. I'm from Ml7." "Sorry. I'm a secret agent." " Everything set, Bough?" "Just about, sir." "Actually, sir, do you mind if I run through the plan one more time?" " No, no." " These are the two buildings here." "This one is ourtarget, Sauvage's headquarters, next to CityHospital." "Ijump fiirst andland on thesouth side ofithe roofi, abseildown 14filoorsand cut through this windowhere." "ÍEnglish]lthen landon the eastside andabseildown 12 filoors." "Whereyou wait fiormysignal that I've disabledthe alarm system." " Yes." " You them break into this window here, workyour wayalong thesecure corridor andpenetrateSauvage's office." " Yes, yes." " ls that okay, sir?" "It's been okay ever since I thought up the idea, Bough." "Oh, I nearly forgot, sir." "Your laser beacon." " My what?" " Your laser beacon!" "It'll guide you onto Sauvage's building." "Your dependence on hardware really does amuse me, Bough." "I've been dropped into the Kalahari Desert... carrying nothing more than a toothbrush and a packet ofsherbet lemons, and I still found my way to Bulawayo before Ramadan." "So thankyou, Bough, but no thankyou." " [ Buzzer Sounds ]" " Bough, go!" "Geronimo!" " [ Buzzer Sounds ]" " Fandango!" "UghlAi-yi-yi." "Right." " [ Beeps ]" " Alarm's disabled, sir." "Roger that, Bough." "[ Grunts, Groans ]" "This is worse than I thought, Bough." "Sauvage has got some kind of laboratory set up here." "God knows what kind ofsick operation he's running." "ÍDoorOpens]" "My God, what have they done to you?" "They've taken some of my blood." " Bastards!" " lt's only for tests." "Ofcourse it is." "Come on, my friend." "Let'sgetyou out ofihere befiore theytake anything else." "[ Groaning ]" "Ah!" "Good evening, Dr Frankenstein." "This way, please." "Come on." "I haven't got all night." "And you, you angels ofdeath." "About turn." "Come on, let's go." "Come on, come on." "Keep moving." "Come on." "Over there. I know what you're doing here." "And you." "Come on." "Quicker." "Quicker." "Over there." "Now then, perhaps you could direct me to your evil paymaster." " What are you talking about?" " You know exactly what I'm talking about." "Where is the offiïce of Pascal Sauvage?" "Are you coming over here in a minute, sir?" "I'm from Ml7." "This has been a test ofyour emergency response systems, and I have to say you've all done extremely well." "Right." "Well, I'll leave you to it." "And, uh, get well soon." "Oh, God!" "Sir." "Sir." "[ Exhales ]" "Did you just land on the wrong building?" "I did a precautionary sweep ofthe immediate environment." "Right." " And everything was fiïne." " Good." "Okay, let's go." "I will be downstairs at the reception" " That's far enough." " Well, good evening." " Perhaps you'd like this as well." " What is it?" " Let me show you." " Aah!" "Well executed, Bough, but completely redundant." " How do you mean, sir?" " Super-strength muscle relaxant." "When he wakes up, he'll be as floppy as a damp old sock." "ÍMen Conversing, indistinct]" "What's this?" "That's the face of the archbishop of Canterbury." "ÍEnglish] What are they doing?" "ÍEnglish] What's thisgot to do with the CrownJewels?" "Bough." "[ Beep, Whirring ]" "ÍBough] English." "A people whose empire once covered... one quarterofithesurface ofithe earth." "Alas, no longer." "My friends ask me, "Pascal, how can you be so interested... in such a backward, grotty little country?"" "My answer is simple:" "the queen." "The queen hasmorepower in hertiny whitegloves... than any other head ofstate in the entire world." "She can declare war ormakepeace, and most intriguingly... she can seize any piece of land which takes her fancy." "Oficourse, the queen neveruses... the enormous power afforded to her." "But imagine someone who would use that power." "Imagine, say, me." "But how could he do that, sir?" "How could he make himself king?" "The archbishop." " ÍSauvage Continues, indistinct]" " ÍDoorOpens]" "Ow." "Hands up." "There's a good fellow." "Heavily armed for a late night at the offiïce." "You fool, English." "You'll never get out ofthe building alive." "I'd save your breath for my questioning." "I'm not telling you anything." "Incorrect." "Sodium pentothal." " l won't lie to you. lt's a truth serum." " [ Groans ]" "Now then, why does Sauvage want to have himselfcrowned?" "You have no idea what's going on here, do you?" "[ Chuckles ] lt would be funny if it wasn't so "pablibblit."" "What?" "[ Mumbling Gibberish ]" " He's talking gibberish, sir." " l can hear that." "[ Groans ]" " He's collapsed onto me, sir." " l can see that." " You don't thinkyou could've got the syringes mixed up?" " What?" "Given the guard outside truth serum and given Klein the muscle relaxant?" "Aah!" "Don't be ridiculous, Bough." "I think I know my right from my left." " Sir?" " Oh, bugger it." "Bough, take "flodd."" " Take what, sir?" " "Flodd." "Schlage."" " l'm not quite getting that second word, sir." " "Schlaaaagh!"" " Write it down, sir." " "Schlaaaagh!"" "Yes!" "[ Muttering Gibberish ]" ""C." C-A" " Uh" "Car!" "Take the car!" "We came by plane." "[ Muttering Gibberish ] Bugger off!" " Hold it right there." " [ Groans ]" " What's wrong with them?" " l'm not telling you." "Wrong answer." "What is it with you two?" "Huh?" "[ Groaning ]" "Let's get outta here." "Sorry, but who are you, exactly?" "Special Agent Campbell." "I'm attached to Interpol in Paris." "We've been watching Sauvage for months." "Why?" "Because every major convict released from a Sauvage prison in six months... has been employed by one of his companies." "We believe he's recruiting them for a major criminal conspiracy." " Wejust don't know what yet." " ÍEnglish Mumbles Gibberish]" " What did he say?" " Pegasus!" "We have to report to Pegasus!" "Oh, no, sir." "No, no, no." " How do we get out of here?" " Hey, you two!" "What you did to me really hurt." "Yeah." "Sorry about that." "How do we get out of here without being seen?" "Okay." "Left by the fountain, right by the fiïre exit, to the elevator at the end." " Thankyou." " Oh, my God." "Nicejob, Bough." " Left, sir." "Left!" " [ English Muttering ]" "ÍBough]Sir, you can'tgo to Sauvage's reception in thisstate." "The effect ofthe drug has practically worn off." "I'm "fline"" ""schline"-- uh, "gline"" "~ ~ ÍOrchestra]" " Monsieur." " Ah." "Thankyou." "ÍGlass Shatters]" " Would you like another?" " Please." "Thankyou." "[ Groans ]" "What in God's name" "Ah, Foreign "Sebretarary."" "Um-- [ Moans ]" "Aah!" " ~ ~ ÍUp-tempo]" " Shall we dance?" "[ Groans ]" "Excuse me, sir." "I'm very sorry to interrupt" "Pascal, how nice to see you again." " Enjoying the party?" " Oh, splendid affair." "I was until I was informed that your man English... and his curious boyfriend here have spent the evening... breaking into my offiïce and assaulting my staff." " ls this true, Bough?" " Well, we-- we" "What do you think you're up to?" " Sir, if I could just offer" " Go home, Bough!" "Now!" "I gave you direct orders not to meddle with Sauvage." "What do you do?" "Break into his offiïce and assault two of his staff." "Then you march in here, loaded with God knows what, and insult the foreign secretary." "I haven't encountered such behaviour in Whitehall in 30 years." " But" " There are no "buts," English." "You're offthe case." "Your security clearance is hereby cancelled." "After a three-month leave ofabsence, you will return at your old grade." "And I hope never to hearyour name again." "ÍThunderRumbling]" "ÍSauvage] English hasseen too much." "We go to plan "B."" "Get rid of the fake archbishop... and green-light the visit to Her Majesty." "Then this pathetic country can humiliate itself... by crowning me offiïcially." "THE QUEEN'S residence AT SANDRlNGHAM" "That's a letter ofabdication... renouncing your claims to the throne... and the claims ofyour entire family." "Sign it." "Never." "[ Yelps ]" " [ Gun Cocks ] - [ Whimpers ]" "ÍDog Barks]" " [ Rings ]" " Yes?" "Prime Minister, sorryto callso late, but I'm afiraidthe queen isabdicating." "What?" "Abdicated?" "But that'snotpossible." "I only wish that were true." " Let me talk to her." "Maybe shejust" " Pascal, she's gone." "Mypeople have spent the last 10hours... trying to track down the rightful heir to the throne... and they've come up with a name, which they've double-checked." "Who is it?" " lt's you." " No!" "~ ~ [ Whistling ]" "ÍRadioAnnouncer]ln the wake ofithe return ofithe CrownJewels... to apolicestation in North London," "PascalSauvage hasrequested that his coronation... take place this Thursday." "In the House, theprime ministersaidhe waslooking fiorwardto the ceremony... andhe believedthat MonsieurSauvage willmake a fline king... and will bring all that is best about modern Europe to our ancient institutions." "ÍDoorbellRinging]" "Get your car keys." "We've got work to do." " Miss Campbell." " Sauvage is heading back to France." "He's invited 13 ofi the richest criminalmasterminds in the worldto meet him there." "I'm sorry, Miss Campbell." "I'm offthe case." "It's been reassigned." "I know." "Reassigned to me." " l want you with me." "Just leave me alone." "Are you gonna sit here in this grotty flat feeling sorry foryourself?" "Or are you gonna get out there and save your country?" "I'm gonna sit in the flat." "Johnny, this is ridiculous." " l'm a spent force." "Spent, my ass." "Ow." "Will... you..." "please... stop?" "[ Groans ] I'll just be a minute." "NORTHERN FRANCE" "It'll be nightfall in an hour." "Then we can strike out for the chateau." "The fact is, the moment Sauvage gets that crown on his head, he'll be able to do whatever he likes with the country that I love, and that is why you and I have got to stop him." " Relishing the thought?" " Something like that." "I suppose you've made love to lots ofwomen, haven't you,Johnny?" "Uh-- Uh, well, you know, one does one's best." "It'sjust" "Well, it's been three years since my fiïancé left me, and since then I haven't made love to anyone." "But then I met you... and I felt this..." "hunger... deep down inside." "I wanted to say things to you, I wanted to do things to you... that I haven't wanted to do in a very, very, very long time." "[ Gulps ]" "What, uh" "What sort ofthings are we talking about?" "Things like punching you in the face, kicking you in the backside for being such a pompous, know-nothing asshole." "But then I started to see beyond the idiot that everybody else saw." "I started to see the man on the inside... who was determined to do his duty, no matter what or who lay in his way." "And I began to feel other things for him, to want to do other things for him." "Things... involving plastic toys and soft cheese?" " What?" "[ Scoffs ]" " What?" "What?" "You're toying with me." "You're telling me to stop in the gentlest way you know how." "No." "N-N-No" "You're such a special person... not to take advantage of me while I'm vulnerable." " N-No" " Well" " So thankyou... for being such a gentleman." "Not at all." "I know what you're thinking, Miss Campbell." "Ifwe don't pull this off, God knows what might happen to England." "Actually, I was thinking there must be a better way in than that pipe." "Well, there isn't." "I've analysed it from every angle, and this is the best option." "I'll go in fiïrst, and if it's a clear way through, I'll call down." "Íohnny." " Be careful." " l'm always careful." "Ohh." "[ Gagging, Coughing ]" "[ Fart ]" "ÍToilets Flushing]" " [ Tapping On Glass ]" " Gentlemen." "In a few hours time... I will become the next king of England." "[ Whispers ] Oh, no." "Hyah-- [ Gagging, Coughing ]" " How did you get here?" " Up the ladder." "Pull yourselftogether." "It's only a bit of poo." "Oh!" "Oh, it's cold!" "It's cold!" "What is the one commodity... the world never seems to run out of?" "Criminals, gentlemen." " ÍGuestsMurmuring]" " Lawbreakers." "Every nation in the world struggles... with the issue ofovercrowded prisons." "So, what do we do with allthese villains?" "Findthesolution to thatproblem... andthegovernments ofithe world wouldpayyou through theirnose." "Fortunately, I have found a solution." "We empty every prison on the entire planet, we take the resulting tidal wave ofihuman scum... and we put it here." "[ Gasping, Murmuring ]" "The moment I am crowned king, I willturn England into the largestprison... in the history ofithe world." "210,000square miles... ofiprime realestate... convenientlyseparated firom true civilization... by20miles ofiocean..." " andsoon to be available..." " Come on." "fiorthe entire world to dump itshuman waste in." "According to currentprojections, we willnot run out ofiprison space fiorthe next S00years." "So, tonight one, and only one, ofyou... willleave here owning 49percent... ofthis venture." "So that's his little game." "We must get hold ofthat DVD." "But how,Johnny?" "There's only two of us." "You're young, Miss Campbell, and inexperienced." "What you seem to have forgotten is that..." "ÍOverP.A. Speaker] nobody knows we are here." "At ourdisposal we have the vitalelement ofisurprise." "Now, my plan is simple but effective." "lshalldrop firom thegallery at this endofithe room andtakeSauvageprisoner." "You willthen enterfirom the fiardoor, cutting offanymeans ofiescape." "Then, using Sauvage asa hostage, we'llget the hellout ofihere." "Clear?" "Get 'em up, you French ponce." "But, Mr English, I'm gobsmacked!" "What an unexpected surprise." "Surprises are very much my speciality, Sauvage." "I think we've seen enough ofthis." "I know exactly what you're planning, and I'm here to put a stop to it." "My bottom will be king of England before you are." "Wrong again." "Perhaps you'd care to look behind you." "Oh, please." "[ Weapons Cock ]" "Lorna!" "I'm sorry,Johnny." "Well, I'm afiraid that we'llhave to... conclude the floor show for tonight." "Not so fast, Sauvage." "You may have taken me, but you'll never take England." "Not as long as I have breath in my body... ora bullet in mygun." "[ Click ]" "You know, Mr English, I'm going to miss you." "Really." "You're very entertaining." "I thankyou." "Take them away." "ÍRadioAnnouncer] Goodmorning, everybody, and welcome to the breakfiastshow." "ÍSpeaking French]" "As the crowdsare gatheringhere fior the crowning ofiourfiirst French king... since theyear 1066, callhere at London FM with the top ten thingsyou most love about the French." "We haven't had any callsyet, uh, at all, but the linesarestill open andl'llgiveyou that numberagain" "0-2-0-7-- zero, deux, zero, sept" "This is not good, Johnny." "We've got to think ofsomething." "ÍJohnny] Wait a minute. I'vegot an idea." "Hop!" "Hop!" "And hop!" "And hop!" "And stop!" "Now, are you familiar... with the shaman throat warblers ofthe Guatemalan delta?" "What?" "It has long been their belief... that a whistle pitched at the precise resonant frequency ofa metal lock... will vibrate the levers in such a way that the door will simply swing open." "Unbelievable." " And kneel." " [ Groaning ]" "Right." "Here goes." "[ Whistle:" "Ascending Tone ]" " [ Sighs ] - [ Whistle Continues ]" "[ Tone Goes Silent ]" " l can't hear anything." " l'm into ultrasonic." "Will you just stop all this and face facts?" "We've failed." "The only thing that can save us now is a miracle." " [ Rasping Tone ] - [ Lock Clicks ] lt worked!" " Ohh!" " Sir?" "I don't know why you hauled yourself up that dreadful poo tube, Bough, when there was a perfectly good ladder right beside it." "Now, Sauvage may have fooled the country... with his fake archbishop and his secret agenda, but he hasn't fooled me." " So, here's the plan." " [ Gasps ]" "~ ~ ÍOrchestra, Chorus.:" "Majestic]" "~ Let allgoodpeople rejoice ~" "ÍChorus] ~ Rejoice ~" " ~ Rejoice ~" " Aaah!" "~ Let allgoodpeople rejoice ~" "~ Rejoice ~" "~ Rejoice ~" "~ Rejoice ~" "~ Rejoice ~" "~ Rejoice ~" "~ Andsing ~ ~" "Sirs, you are hereby called to witness the anointing... ofiyourone true lord andfiuture king Pascal." "Pascal, areyou willing to take the oath?" "I am willing." "Then be thou anointed... with this holy oil." "And do you, the chosen bishops of England, Scotland and Wales, ascent to this anointing?" "For Scotland, I do." "For Wales, I do." "For England, I do not!" " ÍCongregation Gasping, Murmuring]" " English!" "That man must not be crowned king because he is... a fraudster, a charlatan and a thief." "No, please." "Let him speak." "It is this man, Pascal Sauvage, who stole the CrownJewels, who forced the queen to abdicate... and who wouldkillanyone whogot in his way." "It is the end, Herr English." "[ Yells ]" "ÍEnglish]He has cheated, connedandmanipulated... thisgreat country fiorhis own ends." "He's fiooledyou alll" "What's more, this whole ceremony is a sham... because that man standing in front ofyou... is not the archbishop of Canterbury." "ÍCongregation Gasps]" "English, a wordofiadvice.:" "Don'tgo there." "Shut it, Frenchy. I'll go wherever I damn well please." " Nowtake it off." " What?" "Your face is made of plastic." "Remove it at once." "I have no idea what you're talking about." "Right. I'll just have to remove it myself." "Come onl ÍGrunting, Muttering]" " Maybe it pulls up from the front." " ÍArchbishop Groaning]" "Come on, you!" " Aaah!" " Thankyou very much." "Must be a join here somewhere." "Fascinatingperformance asalways, MonsieurEnglish, but I'm afraid we must move on." "Nobody's moving anywhere until I'm fiïnished with this piece of low-life." "Doyou ordoyouyou not... have tattooed on your bottom the words," ""Jesus is coming-- look busy"?" " ÍCongregation Murmuring]" " Are you insane?" "Well, let's fiïnd out, shall we?" "Go on, over." "Let's have a look." "[ Screaming, Gasping ]" " [ Laughing Hysterically ]" " Excellent!" "All right, so I was wrong about the archbishop's bottom." " But there's more." " But not, I'm afraid, today." "Sergeant, please take this man away." " But begentle with him." " Doyou think that's it?" "You think I don't have more evidence?" "My loyal subordinate is standing by with a DVD... which shows Sauvage's hideousplansfiorthis country." "Get him out!" "Get him out of here!" " Play it, Bough!" "Play the disk!" " Play it!" "Now!" "~ ~ ÍUpbeat Pop]" " [ Lip Synching ] - ~ You'reso hot teasingme ~" "~ Soyou're blue, but lcan't take a chance on a chick likeyou ~" "~ lt'ssomethin ' lcouldn 't do ~" "~ Well, lcan dance withyou, honey ifiyou thinkit's fiunny ~" "~ Doesyourmotherknow thatyou're out ~" "~ Andlcouldshout withyou, baby Flirt a little, maybe ~" "~ Doesyourmotherknow thatyou're out ~" " ~ Take it easy ~ - ~ Take it easy ~" "~ Betterslowdown, girl That'sno waytogo ~" "~ Doesyourmotherknow ~" "~ ~ [ Continues ]" " Oil" " Heyl" "[ Mutters ln French ]" "Well, shall we?" "[ Sighs ]" "ÍArchbishop] Then asSolomon wasanointedking... byZadok thepriest andNathan theprophet, so be thou anointed... and consecrated king... overallthepeoples... whom the Lordthy God... hathgiven thee togovern... andofiallyourpossessions, wherevertheymaybe." "And so, in the name ofthe Father... andofitheSon... and ofthe Holy Ghost," "I crown you" "ÍCongregation Gasping]" "[ Groans ] Damn it!" " Give it back!" " Nol" " That is my crown!" " Never!" " Give it back!" " Never in a million years, Sauvage!" " Give it to me!" " Get off." "Merdel [ Shouting ln French ]" "Give it back!" " Stop!" " Shut up!" "[ All Gasping ]" "All this stupid little country have to do is stand in line... and do what it's told for one miserable day!" "But can it do that?" "My fragrant French ass, it can!" "ÍGunshot]" "Merdel" " [ Gunshot ]" " Aah!" "Give it!" "The crown, eh?" "The crown!" "Go!" "[ Shouting ln French ]" "Andso, in the name ofithe Father... andofitheSon andofithe Holy Ghost," "I crown you... king." "What" "Arrest that man... and lock him away." "ÍCongregation Cheering]" "~ God save the king Long live the king ~" "~ Godsave the king ~" "~ ~ ÍChorus Continues]" "~ Amen, amen, amen, amen Amen, amen ~" "~ ~ ÍContinues]" "~ Ahh, amen, amen Amen, hallelujah ~" "~ Amen ~" "ÍCheering, Applause Continue]" "~ Godsave the king ~ ~" "Words can hardly expressjust howmuch we appreciate everythingyou've done." "Nothing more than my duty, ma'am." "And in return, is there anything that your queen and country can do foryou?" "Well, since one isasking, ma'am" "ÍRadioAnnouncer]ln celebration ofiherreturn to the throne, the queen hasdeclaredAugust S a nationalholiday... andhas confierreda knighthood on the unnamedMl7agent... responsible fiorfioiling theplot ofiFrench businessman PascalSauvage." "MrSauvage isnowawaiting trial fiorhigh treason, a crime which still carries the deathpenalty." "lfifioundguilty, he'saskedthat his brain be donatedto medicalscience... to fiurtherresearch into the causes ofihypermanicschizophrenia." "Meanwhile, the unnamedEnglish agent hasleft the country... andhasalreadyembarked on hisnext challengingmission." "SOMEWHERE in THE SOUTH OF FRANCE" "ÍLorna] SirJohnny English." "Her Majesty did seem very grateful." "She's not the only one." "Mmm." "You are full ofsurprises." "Aaaah!" "Johnny!" " Oh, f" "~ One eye on theshadows ~" "~ Protectinghis fiellows ~" "~ From sunup to the moon on hisback ~" "~ Sendin' villains to Hades A hit with the ladies ~" "~ A stallion in thesack ~" "~ You can'tgetyourlifie back when right fiollows left,jack ~" "~ The moreyousee the lessyou know ~" "~ When others wouldleakit hisservice issecret ~" "~ Plays God when it'syourtime togo ~" "~ Hey, fiellas Don't bejealous ~" "~ When theymade him theybroke the mould ~" "~ So charismatic with an automatic ~" "~ Neverprematurely shootinghis load, ha ~" "~ Queen andcountry safie andsound ~" "~ With villains six fleet underground ~" "~ Andno one knows 'cause no one's fioundanytrace ~" "~ Ofia man fiorallseasons ~" "~ Loves 'em andleaves 'em alone ~" "~ So alone ~" "~ Andyou andl wouldn 't have a clue ~" "~ Who's doin' what, why when and who ~" "~ Up a creek with no canoe ~" "~ Watch out fior the man fiorallseasons ~" "~ Loves 'em andleaves 'em alone ~" "~ So alone Butsafie at home ~" "~ Butsafie at home Butsafie at home ~" "~ Queen andcountry safie andsound ~" "~ With villains six fleet underground ~" "~ Andno one knows 'cause no one's fioundanytrace ~" "~ Ofia man fiorallseasons ~" "~ Loves 'em andleaves 'em alone ~" "~ So alone ~" "~ Andyou andl wouldn 't have a clue ~" "~ Who's doin' what, why when and who ~" "~ Up a creek with no canoe ~" "~ Watch out fior the man fiorallseasons ~" "~ Loves 'em andleaves 'em alone ~" "~ So alone Butsafie at home ~" "~ Queen andcountry Safie andsound ~" "~ With villains six fleet underground ~" "~ Andno one knows 'cause no one's fioundanytrace ~" "~ Ofia man fiorallseasons ~" "~ Loves 'em andleaves 'em alone ~" "~ So alone ~" "~ Andyou andl wouldn 't have a clue ~" "~ Who's doin' what, why when and who ~" "~ Up a creek with no canoe ~" "~ Watch out fior the man fiorallseasons ~" "~ Loves 'em andleaves 'em alone ~" "~ So alone ~" "~ Butsafie at home ~" "~ Oh-Oh-Ohh, yeah ~ ~"