"We're going to get down and dirty." "All right, let's start with our first guest." " Connie Phillips from Chicago." " Hi." "We want to ask you how you feel... about this friend we've heard so much about." "I'd walk through fire for her." "She's my best friend, you know?" "Best friend." "And how long have you been having sex with her husband?" "A little over a year." "Well, he doesn't love her." "He loves me." "Does she know why she's appearing on our show?" "She thinks she's here for a makeover." "Ouch." "That's got to hurt." "I'm sure we're all wondering why you chose... to reveal this to her on national television." "Because I want her to hear my point of view." "I really want her to hear me, you know?" "Fair enough." "Let's bring her out." "Let's bring out Birdee." "Give Birdee a hand." "Hi, Birdee." " So tell us, how do you feel?" " I'm delightful, thank you." "Do you recognize the voice of the person sitting next to you?" " Hi, Birdee." " Connie?" "My... my best friend Connie?" "Absolutely correct." "Take off your blindfold." "Oh, my God!" "Hi!" "Birdee, Connie is your best friend?" "Yes, she is." "She says she loves you very much." "Yeah." "I love you, too." "The last thing she wants to do is hurt you." " Connie?" " Birdee..." "Billy and I are having an affair." "He doesn't love you anymore." "He wants to marry me." "What?" "I..." "Your friendship is very important to Connie." "She loves you very much, Birdee." " You've been sleeping with him?" " Well, yeah." "Actually, Connie told us she had sex with Bill... in your home on your living room floor." "I want to hear what Bill has to say." "Do you?" "All right." "Let's bring Bill in." "Come in, Bill." "Join us." "That's right." "Come on, come on, come on." "Bill, thank you for appearing on the Toni Post Show." " Thank you, ma'am." " Take off your blindfold." "Bill, are you having an affair with your wife's best friend?" "Yes, ma'am." "All right." "That's it." "We've got to take a break." "We'll be back with some more sizzle on the Toni Post Show." "Bernice, did you get my suitcase in the car?" "Yes." "Yeah, Mama." "We'll be there in a few days." "Well, if it's not an... inconvenience." "Oh..." "All right." "Me, too." "Bye-bye." "Don't look back, sweetheart." "It's bad luck." "Turn around." "Put on your seat belt." "Take the wheel." "Bernice, don't be a baby." "Just take the wheel." "Come on." "Come here." "OK... thank you." "Here we go." ""Dear Princess," ""I know you're confused now, and I don't blame you." ""None of this is your fault." ""This is between your mom and me." ""Not a day will pass when I won't think about you..." ""and wish you were with me." ""I love you, honey." "Be nice to your mom." "All my heart." "Daddy."" "Baby, baby, I'm aware of where you go" "Each time you leave my door" "I watch you walk down the street" "Knowing your other love you're gonna meet" "This time, before you run to her" "Leaving me alone and hurt" "Think it over" "Haven't I been good to you?" "Think it over" "What's that funny smell?" "Cows." "Is this where you were Cream of Corn?" "Queen of Corn, honey, three years running." "A feat unsurpassed in the history of Smithville." "Oh." "Maybe that was a long time ago, but believe me, honey, once upon a time, your mama knew what it meant to shine." "Before you break my heart" "Think it over" "Think it over" "Oh, you're here!" "You're actually here!" "Oh, my baby." "My babies!" "Bernice." "Look at me." "You are so pretty!" "Oh..." "You look just like my mama, you know that?" " And Bird..." " Hey, Mama." " Birdee, you take up drinkin'?" " No, I have not." "Go inside." "You mean you're stone sober?" "You look just awful." " Well, I... feel awful, Mama." " Well, you look it." "Well, I feel it." "Well... you look it." "Let me take one of those." "I got a present for you." "Come on." "Here, Mom." "Can't believe you're here." "OK." "Now..." "Oh, oh, oh, oh!" "OK, that's a present from your Grandpa and me." " How is Daddy?" " He's fine." "He has a cold this week." "We can't see him till Saturday, but... he's, uh..." "you know, he's fine." "Good." "It's a bunny purse!" "You don't like stuffed animals?" "That's all right." "We'll get you settled first." "But be very quiet." "We don't want to wake up Travis." "You remember your cousin, don't you?" "He got so excited waitin' for y'all to arrive, he just pooped out." "You see those?" "They're Scaredy-Cats." "You get it?" "Your Grandpa and I made a fortune off of them." "Birdee, lock the door." "You want to be murdered?" "Don't worry." "If they bite you, they got rubber teeth." " Did Grandma kill them herself?" " No." "They come already dead." "This way, they live forever." "Scaredy-Cats." "Yeah, Scaredy-Cats." "It's a nice room, isn't it?" "See that door?" "Leads right into mine." "Is that neat?" "OK... that about does it." "Oh..." "Got a surprise for you." "So you don't bump into doors at night." " OK." "Feet in." "Arms in or out?" " Out." "Oh." "There you go." "Snug as a bug in a rug." "Good night, baby." "Every night, I dream you're next to me" "Tenderly" "You say my name" "You know everybody's watchin' me" "What they see..." "Is me watching you" "Bad dog, Huckleby!" "Bad dog!" "Bad dog." "No." "No, no." "What a sweet dog, Mama!" "You didn't say you had a pet." "Hey, Travis." "How are you?" "All right, you're a boy again." "Sit at the table and eat breakfast." "Better do what she says." "Grandma stuffs bad little dogs." "Any calls?" "Any messages we get will be on that bulletin board." "All right, dig in here." "There." "Bernice, this is Travis." "He visited us in Chicago..." "what was it?" "Two Christmases ago?" "He chewed my Little House On the Prairie." "Where's Aunt Desiree?" "Aunt Desiree's living in Hollywood now." "Right, Travis?" " She's doing a pilot." " Oh, really?" "And what's he like?" " That's a show for television." " Oh." "Aunt Desiree's gonna be on television?" "I was on TV, too." "Fat lot of good it did me." "I am proud of both of my television daughters." "Birdee, you looked so beautiful on that TV." " Everybody thought so." " Who's everybody?" "Everybody in Smithville, that's for sure." "Honey, if you don't want people to see you, why'd you go on television?" "Because I wanted a free makeover, that's all." "You got one." "Just a different kind, that's all." "So, Bernice, what are your plans?" "Stop that, Travis." " My name is Aunt Birdee." " Well, stop that, Aunt Birdee." "I don't know." "You should make some." "You're starting a whole new life here." "Anything you wish is possible." "Is that marmalade over there?" "Oh, no... excuse me." "Travis, I said stop it." "If anything's possible, like Grandma says, then I want more friends." "What if they don't like me?" "Oh, Bernice, don't worry." "You're a likable girl." "You are." "You want more friends?" "Is that what you're wishing for?" "Yeah, yeah... granted." "Bernice, telephone." "Bernice?" "Hey, Daddy." "I miss you so much." "Daddy says hi." "He really misses me." "I'm sure he does, sweetheart." "I'm glad you only missed six weeks here." "I'm sure the Chicago schools are way ahead of here." "Keep it up!" "Keep it up!" "Keep that Tiger spirit up!" "Say keep... it... up!" "Sure you don't want me to pick you up after school?" " I'll walk home with Travis." " OK." "Say keep... it... up!" "Keep it up!" "Keep it up!" "Keep that Tiger spirit up!" "Say keep... it... up!" "It smells the same way..." "peanut butter and paste." "Can you smell it?" "Huh?" "All right, you look perfect." "You ready?" "Maybe I could go in alone." "Hmm." "Show 'em you're the independent type, huh?" "Yeah." "You're gonna do great." " Mm-hmm." " Go knock 'em dead." " OK." " OK?" " Bye, Mom." " Hey." "Come back here." "What's the matter with you?" " Bye, Mom." " Bye, Baby." "Yes, that's correct, Harry." ""Gave me a turtle."" "OK, "He drunk that water fast." Brandy." ""He drank that water fast."" "Very good." ""He drank that water fast."" "That's the correct answer." "Very good." "OK, Bernice." "Class, this is Bernice Pruitt." "Bernice comes to us from Chicago." "Take the desk next to Kirsten." "That'll be your seat." "Kirsten?" "Go on, honey." "Class, let's open up your books to page 76, chapter three." "Pay attention, 'cause there's a quiz on Monday." "She's got pop-eyes." "Bernice, follow along with Kirsten, OK?" "I didn't do anything." "Why is it always my fault?" "I didn't say anything about fault." "I just asked what you did, that's all." "Nothing." "People fall in love, they fall right back out." "Happens all the time." "You never told me you were having trouble." "Maybe I didn't want to hear, "I told you so."" "Besides, how could we have trouble?" "Prom queen." "Quarterback." "Pride of Smithville." "Practically left town on a float." "Maybe you were special." "Then again, maybe you're just like the rest of us, except you were riding around on flowers made of toilet paper." " You just never liked Bill." " I like all of God's creatures." "I just like some of them better stuffed, and he's one of 'em." "Just cut to the part where he started fooling around." "Well, at cocktail parties, the women that Bill worked with would never look at me." "Their eyes were always surveying the room, looking for somebody better to talk to." "I was just a beauty queen from Smithville." "I was a joke." " That's it." " No." "You were never a joke." "Yeah, I was, Mama." "You could see it in his eyes." "Honey, crying over it won't make it clean." "Life just goes on, and you got to move along with it." "Yeah." " Bud." " Weiser." " How's your dinner, Kermit?" " Good." "We seem to be the only ones enjoying it." "You ever see two such mopes?" "That's a mope, and that's a mope." " All right, Mama." " No, it isn't all right." "Look at me." "My life has no big meaning or direction or purpose, and I'm happy." "Look at Kermit here." "You think it's easy being green?" "Ribbit." "I saw that, Bernice." "That smile means there's hope for you." "I saw that, Bernice." "That smile means there's hope for you." "I got it!" "You expecting someone?" "No." "I mean, it might be Justin Matisse." "He said he might drop over after his day job." "He's helping me fix the porch." "I don't want to see him." "Hi, Travis." "Why?" "'Cause your hair's not fixed?" " He's back from California." " So what?" " And..." "Justin, come on in!" " Mama." "Hey..." "Justin." "Well, well, well, if it ain't Birdee Calvert." " It's Pruitt." "Birdee Pruitt." " Sorry." "It's all right." "Birdee, Birdee, Birdee." " Move on to something else." " I heard you'd come back." "Wonder how." " This is my daughter Bernice." " Bernice, Bernice, Bernice." "That's funny." " You smell delicious, Justin." " Thanks." " You wearing cologne?" " No, that's..." "A little paint thinner with sweat mixed in with it." "Ha ha!" "It sure smells good, doesn't it, Birdee?" "Go out on the porch, and Birdee will bring you some iced tea." "That sounds great." "Thank you." "Bye, y'all." "Bye." "Bye, Bernice-Bernice-Bernice." "Great to see you, Birdee." "You look good." "Here." "Oh, hey, Bernice." "Thank you." "There's no glass for your mother." "She went upstairs." "My daddy usually calls for one of his daily chats, and then we all turn in." "I see." "So, how do you like it down here in Smithville?" "It wasn't on any maps until we got to Texas." "We like to keep it a secret." "That way, it doesn't get overrun with people." "Seems to be working." " Your mother and I go way back." " I know." "You must." "Back home, we had a pet skunk." "Mom called it Justin Matisse." "You think that's a coincidence?" "All day long, Mom would scream, "You stink, Justin Matisse!"" "Finally, she just picked up a club and killed it." "That's a sad story." "If you liked the skunk, which we didn't." "She still has that club in her purse upstairs." "I guess that means she's not coming down." "Not until you leave." "Guess I better go, then." "Thanks for packing up my stuff." "I'll see you around." "That's what's great about a small town." "Birdee!" "What, Mama?" "Can you give me a hand?" "Huh?" "What?" "Ma..." "Mama." "Oh, honey, are you still in here?" "I had no idea." "It's a beautiful day out." "Take a look at it." " Oh..." " Go on." "Get out there." "Get the stink blown off ya." " I always hated that expression." " Don't make me use it, then." "I'm gonna turn the shower on for you." "I'm going shopping later, if you want to get out." "Mama!" "Mama!" "Mama, can't this..." "Mama!" "Mama!" "Mother!" "Justin." "Hey." " What are you doing up here?" " Building shelves." "You look terrible." "You been drinkin', huh?" "Why does everybody keep asking me that?" "Is there a coaster stuck to my butt or something?" " How long will this take?" " A couple hours." "Go down and get dressed." "You'll feel better." "You must feel depressed, looking like that." "Do you always say what's on your mind, or is this my lucky day?" "I won't do you any favors by lying." "I don't need your favors." "All right?" " I just need... something." " Is that an invitation?" "Bye." "Bye." "Remember the blue beetle?" "It promised us a long, happy life." "Forget it." "Hansel and Gretel's mom was terrible." "Why didn't the witch eat her?" "You didn't tell the story right." "Your mama's gonna come get you as soon as she can." "I promise." "And stop pickin' at that doll's eyes." "That makes me nervous." "Bernice!" "Bernice!" "Come here." "What do you think you're doing?" "Do you think I'm stupid?" "What's the matter?" "What do you think you're doing?" "What did I do?" "If you have something to say, say it flat out, don't say it behind my back!" " You have something to tell me?" " No." " Tell me!" " What should I say?" "Stop playing innocent!" "I know what you told him!" " Told who?" " Your father, Bernice!" "I just got off the phone with him." "He said, "I'm sorry you're taking this so hard." "Sorry you can't get out of bed, but we have a daughter."" " What did you say to him?" " Nothing." "It wasn't bad." "I just said you were sad." "We both are." "That is our business!" "That's not his business!" "We're not sad!" "We're fine!" "We're not!" "You don't care about me, don't ask me about school." "You don't make breakfast for me." "You said you'd take care of me!" "I promised Daddy?" "Daddy promised me the world, and Daddy didn't honor his promise, and I will break every promise I make to him!" "Birdee, stop it!" "That's enough, now." "It is not a crime to tell the truth... not in this house." " Don't yell at her!" " She's my daughter." "I'll yell at her all I want." "Just take a look at yourself." "Wandering around night and day in your bathrobe?" "You're hiding out." "You're scared." "Lord, what happened to you?" " You used to be so pleasing." " I had to be pleasing, Mama." "With the town joke as a mother, I had to be." "When you'd flounce into school with your road-kill hat... and your freshly skinned bag, I learned how to be pleasing." "You're pleasing nobody." "You're miserable yourself." "And I've never been unhappy, so the joke is on you, honey." " Don't yell at her!" " I'm finished, believe me." "Come on out here, Travis." "I didn't hurt you, did I?" "'Cause I wouldn't hurt you for anything in the world." " That's OK." "Night, Travis." " Good night." "We got a beautiful day going in the Austin area, and all your favorites on your oldies station, playing all the good ones." "Excuse me." "You'll like this one." "Birdee!" "Birdee Calvert!" "Oh!" " I heard you were back in town!" " Hello." "Debbie." "Debbie Reissen." " Debbie Reissen!" " How are you?" " How are you?" " Did you come to see Dot?" " Dot?" " She runs the whole office now." "Oh, yeah, I came to see Dot." " She'll be so tickled!" " Oh, great." "Dottie, in a million years, you'll never guess who came... all the way from Chicago to see you!" "Take me off the intercom." "She guessed." "Would you like to have a seat?" " Great." "Thank you." " She'll be right with you." " I saw you on television." " Really?" " I taped it." " Yeah." "Birdee, come on in." "No calls, Deborah." " Hi." " Hi." " I didn't keep you too long?" " It's fine, thank you." "You look beautiful." "Same old Birdee." "Same old Dot." "You have no idea who I am, do you?" " No." "Sorry." "I don't." " It's all right." "When I knew you, I was five inches shorter... and 70 pounds heavier." "We didn't eat at the same table." "Polka Dot?" "Oh!" "Is that right?" "Yeah." "Nobody's called me that in a long time." " Oh, my God!" "You look fantastic!" " Thank you." " You're welcome." " Have a seat." "Oh, my God!" "I mean, it's remarkable." "Was I really that terrible before?" " Oh, no, no, I just meant..." " I know what you meant." "People change." "We get better as we get older." " Yeah." " You look exactly the same." " Well, no." "Actually, I have a..." " Oh, I know." " I heard about you and Bill." " Yeah." "He always was a ladies' man." " You all right?" " I'm fine." "I'm fine." "So much of that's staged for TV." "For ratings and... yeah." "So... you need a job." "What sort of work have you been doing?" "Um, housework." "Bill worked, and he didn't want..." "We have a daughter, so I took care of her." " OK." "How fast do you type?" " Don't type." "OK." "Computer skills?" "Don't compute." "Oh, goodness." "You'll have to give me... some sort of idea of what you're looking for, 'cause I'm not likely to find a listing for prom queen." "Well..." "I used to take pictures." "I was good at that." "So maybe I could get a job at the newspaper... or Jackson's portrait studio." "It's closed down, and the newspaper's not hiring." " I can tell you that right now." " OK." " So... hmm." " Dot, I would really like a job." "One that I could like myself for." "Even if it's just for a little while." " Birdee..." " Dot..." "I don't know how I treated you in high school." "I'm guessing it was pretty bad, seeing how you're hell-bent on putting me in my place." "And that's OK." "Just, um..." "just put me in a job, too." "I would really be grateful." "Well..." "Shoot some pictures over the weekend." " OK." "Great." " I'll look 'em over." " Great." " I'll do what I can." "Thank you." "Thank you." " Enjoy your food, honey." " Thanks." "It's not for sissies, you know... dining alone." "Got to be made of some stern stuff to do that." "Really." "The trick is to seem mysterious." "Like the choice is yours." " Impressive." " Well, you pick these things up." "Care to join me?" "Can't do that." "That'd be cheating." " Oh." " Besides, I'd rather wait." "Well, I got to go." "Remember, mysterious." "That's the key." " OK." " Oh..." "Maybe, um... order some dessert just to spite 'em." " All right." " Make me proud." " Keep the change." "Thank you." " Thank you." "Smile though your heart is aching" "Smile even though it's breaking" "When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by" "If you smile through your fears and sorrow" "Smile, and maybe tomorrow" "You'll see the sun come shining through" "You just smile" "These are good." "Really?" " Really." " Can you find something for me?" " Think I can." " Oh..." "Great." "Thanks." "Then you take the film, like so, and you run it through here." " Make sure this is shut tight." " OK." "Then you just follow it along, like so." "Then it comes out here, like so." "Then you separate it." " Like... so." " That's right." "Everyone's film has to be developed in less than an hour." "Otherwise, it's free." " Any questions?" " Nope." "Occasionally, we get pictures of a somewhat questionable nature." " Naked pictures?" " We never comment on them." "We just hand them over as if we hadn't seen a thing." "I understand, Mr. Davis." "But first, we make a copy." "We put them under the counter." "You can have a look anytime you want, just don't take them home." " All right." " You can sit down right there." " OK." " Birdee Calvert!" "I bet the customers will stand in line to see you again!" "We have a full range of arts and crafts... to keep our loved ones happy." "It's like summer camp, only it's all year round." "Lucky them." "Charlie, let's go..." "Here we are." "Harry..." "Look who's here!" "Told you she was coming." "All these visitors!" " Oh... so good to see you." " Well, enjoy." "Oh..." "How you keepin', Daddy?" " What's wrong with him?" " It's just a stroke." "And a little old-timers." "She means Alzheimer's." "I know what I mean." "You know exactly what's going on, Daddy." "Yeah." " Thank him for the bunny." " He doesn't even know who I am." "Sure he does." "It's just hard for him to show it." " Say hello." " Uh-uh." "Sure, go ahead." "Travis, you want to kiss your grandpa?" "I think we need a little ice cream." "That's a great idea." "Let's let Mama and Grandpa have some time together." " We'll be in the cafeteria." " You'll be OK?" "We're fine." "So..." "I'll tell you one thing, I won't sit here and tell you... what a nice place we got you in or how good you look." "'Cause we're adults, right?" "At least, you are." "Mama says you do that blinking thing with your eyes." "One blink for yes, two for no." "Can you do that?" "Hmm?" "Just on your good day, huh?" "I get it." "That was Bernice, Daddy." "You remember Bernice?" "Hmm... there it is." "That's Bernice, Daddy." "She's the best thing I ever did." "I wish Bill could be here, but, um... we're having a little bit of trouble." "But enough of that." "I'm going to write her name right down here on the bottom of her picture." "When she comes back here, maybe you could recognize her... and give her a little sign or something." "She could use one, you know?" "What, Daddy?" "Chances are I'll see you" "Somewhere in my dreams tonight" "I recall your laughter and your smile" "I remember how you made me feel so at ease" "I remember all your grace, your style" "Chances are I'll hold you" "And I'll offer all I have" "You're the only one I can't forget" "You're the best I've ever met" "You don't have a daddy, either." "Don't break that." "I've had it forever." "Come on." "It's late." "There you go." "My little burrito baby." "Snug as a bug in a rug." "You're out of luck if your nose itches." " Good night." " Night, Mom." "Well, if it isn't Birdee Calvert." "Bobbi-Claire Akins." " Patterson now." " Oh, great!" "How are you?" "I heard about your sad news." "How Bill could humiliate you like that... in front of the entire world is just beyond me." "We have a satellite dish, so we got to see it twice." " You poor thing." " What can I do for you?" "Anyway, I brought you these." "My sister's wedding reception." "Triple prints, please." "I'll come back after my hair's done." "I love this thing you're doing with your hair." "It's so... down-to-earth and natural-like." "I wish I could be more like that." "I'm fearless that way." "Oh... no!" "No, no, no!" "No!" "No!" "What's the matter with you, you piece of crap?" "Oh, crap." "Mr. Davis!" " I'm sorry, Bobbi-Claire." " Sorry?" "You think that does it?" "These pictures were irreplaceable!" " When I was loading the paper..." " Look!" "There's nothin'!" "There's not a blur, not a face with red eyes!" "You think Debbie-Lynn gets married every day?" "Debbie-Lynn?" "Isn't this her fourth or..." "It is her fifth, Miss High-and-Mighty, but they each had very different themes." "Now there's nothing to show for it!" "At least I caught it before the other ones got ruined." "Oh, yes." "You are just little Miss Employee of the Month." "Mr. Davis, I hope you make sure that this never happens again, and I believe you know what I mean." "What?" "Oh, dear." "Am I gonna have to fire you?" "She'll cool off." "It must be hard carrying around all that hair, you know?" "Well, if she sends a bill, I'll have to dock you, Birdee, for at least half." " I'm sorry." " Come on." "Let's get this back on-line." " Go get back on-line." " Shut up." "You were the first girl I ever kissed." "I knew that." "Playing spin-the-bottle." "Yep." "And you stuck your tongue in my mouth." "I didn't know you were supposed to do that." "I was mortified." "Thought you were an epileptic, so I went home and told Mama you had a seizure in my mouth." "I was over the moon for you back then, Birdee." " You knew that." " No, I didn't." " Why didn't you say anything?" " Coward." " Chicken?" " Chicken, pure and simple." "You and Bill were up here." "I was somewhere else." "What if I'd asked you out?" "I don't know what I would have said." "I'm not the same person I was back then." "What if I asked you out now?" "Is that what you're doin'?" "That's what I'm doin'." "I would have to say no." "I'm a married woman." "What's the matter with you?" "Not on a date, though." "Just dinner." " Married people eat, right?" " I don't know." "I don't know." "What about I take you out for a great fish dinner?" "I'm glad we're not having steak." "I'm a little rusty at roping steer." "You're not so hot at this, either." "Relax, Birdee." "Just sit back and let the fish come to you." "You know who'd love this?" "Bernice." "Hey... breathe." "I'm breathing." "Just listen." " So what have you been doing..." " It kills you to be quiet." "It kills you to answer a personal question." "I went to California." "You didn't like it?" "I'm here, ain't I?" "Yes, you are." "Yes, I am." "You know those people who publish calendars?" " Uh-huh." " They'd love your pictures." "So I like pretty pictures." "That's who I am." "You don't get voted most popular and best smile... if you have an edge." "You do have a great smile." "Don't show it to me." "Come here." "Hey." "Come sit by me." " Want to help?" " Nope." " Don't smile, now." " I'm not." "Let's see his smile." "He's got a great smile." "Hold on." "He won best smile in his school." "Get it?" "Hit the ball, Popeye." "Big Dolores!" "Can't you do this in the backyard?" "It's embarrassing." "Ha ha!" "Honey, they're dead." "How can they be embarrassed?" "I hated this when I was your age." "One day, all this will be yours." "Hey, what's wrong?" "How was school?" "Fine." "Nah-ah!" "Big Dolores is gonna murder Bernice." " Quiet, Travis." " Who's Big Dolores?" "She's the meanest, dumbest girl in school, but she keeps passing 'cause even teachers are afraid of her." "She has her own gang, too." "It's called..." "Big Dolores." "What's she got against Bernice?" "Bernice hit her in the face with a volleyball... in front of the whole school." "Now Bernice is gonna die." "Did you hit somebody in the face with a volleyball?" " It was an accident." " Did you say you were sorry?" "She'll kill me anyway." "That whole family's no good." "I think it's glandular." "Whatever gland produces meanness, they got it." "Mama, nobody's gonna kill anybody." "I'll just have a talk with her mother, and we'll iron everything out." "Don't talk with her mother." "I'd rather die." " Don't worry." "You will." " Travis?" "Travis, come down here and be a tree." "Travis, come here." "Go be a tree." "Mom, promise me you won't have a talk with her mother." "They'd really have it in for me after that." "Don't be so dramatic." "Nothing's gonna happen." "You're right, Mom." "It'll be a normal day." "Oh, yes." "Old Man Linton's make-out spot." "I thought we were going out for ice cream." "What would your mother say?" "She'd probably say, "Way to go, Justin."" "Really." "Yeah." "Uh-huh." " What an incredible night." " Mm-hmm." "Place sure hasn't changed much, has it?" "No." "Not at all." " Not that I came here much." " No." "Of course not." "Bill was always in training." "He said it put him off his game." " Hmm." "I see." " Got riled up the night before." "He didn't look so happy on TV, either." "Oh, God!" "Doesn't anybody watch public television anymore?" "I couldn't keep my eyes off of you." "Which part captivated you more?" "Was it the part where..." "let's see... where I appeared downtrodden and pitiful, or was it the part where I looked stricken and grotesque?" "I personally prefer the part where I looked pathetic." "I liked that one." "I preferred the part where you appeared available." " Grow up." " Don't you feel young over here?" "Just sitting in this truck?" "At Old Man Linton's?" "God!" "I feel like I'm 16 again." "Oh, get real, Justin." "I never kissed a man before Bill." "Who said anything about kissing'?" "Did I say that?" "But I still love to dance" "You know we used to dance the night away" "Birdee Calvert." "Back when we were beautiful" "Please, Daddy, come and get me before it's too late." " I don't feel so good, Grandma." " Ohh..." " You're going to school, Rocky." " Man, it's not fair!" "Come on, Travis." "Paper wings" "Autumn ending" "You made me feel that thing was heaven-sent" "Four-eyes." "Bookworm." "Popeye." "Angels will sing" "Fight!" "Fight!" "Fight!" "But how could I expect to fly" "With only paper wings?" "I tried to fly, but fell" "'Cause I had only paper wings" "Hey." "How was school?" "Huh?" " Hey, weasel." " Fine." " What happened?" " She lived." "I can turn the gray sky blue" "I can make it rain whenever I want it to" "Oh, I can build a castle from a single grain of sand" "I can make a ship sail on dry land" "Ooh, but my life is incomplete, and I'm so blue" "'Cause I can't get next to you" "Can't get next to you, babe" "Next to you" "I just can't get next to you" "No matter what I do, I can't get next to you" "Ahh, yeah!" "Whoo whoo whoo" "Whoo whoo" "Chick-a-boom, chick-a-boom, check 'em out, look out ...what I need, gotta get next to you" "Can't you see this little fact?" "Gotta get next to you" "Take me back where I belong" "Back to Travis County" "I've been gone for way too long" "Mr. And Mrs. Whitehead were 100 years old when I knew 'em." "Uh... hi." "Hi." "Miss Ramona." " Did you want to dance with me?" " Oh, no." "You go dance with someone your own age." "I never!" " Sorry I bothered you." " Well, all right, then." "Excuse us, honey." "Birdee?" "Birdee Pruitt?" "It's me..." "Suzy." " Oh, my God!" "Hi!" " Hi!" " How are you?" " Well... ha ha!" " Oh, my God!" " Baby's due in six weeks." "I can see that." "I thought you'd moved to Houston." "I'm just in for the weekend." "Your mama said you were in town." " Yep, I'm here." " You look wonderful." " Oh..." " Seriously." " Well, thank you." " Aren't you clever?" "That's the way to get Bill to come crawling back." "Oh, I don't... that's..." "Would you look at Polka Dot?" "The doughnut's best friend." "Oh, look." "There's Justin Matisse." "He lost that job in California." "Wouldn't work fast enough." "Oops, he's headed this way." " Hey." " Hey." "Honor me?" " What?" " I want to dance with you." " Justin, I can't." " Excuse us." "Justin, I can't dance anymore." "Dancing's just a conversation between two people." "Talk to me." "Yeah, I started feelin' funny" "When you walked through that door" "And it ain't happened yet" "But I keep feelin' that it'll happen" "If I keep comin' back for more" "You can do it, now." "Whoo!" "Wow." "Oh, we got it now." "Come on, now." "Come on, Birdee." "Some kind of something happening" "I'm not sure" "But I know it ain't been a year now" "I'm feelin' it more" "Whoo-hoo!" "I started feelin' funny when you walked through that door" "Well, it ain't happened yet" "But I'd be willin' to bet" "If it happened once, I'd keep comin' back for more" "Thank you very much, folks." "We're gonna take a short break now, but we'll leave you with some fine tunes on the jukebox." " Thanks for the dance." " Hey, hey, hey." "What?" "And the whole world is on your case" "I would offer you a warm embrace" "To make you feel my love" "Evening shadows and the stars appear" "There's no one there to dry your tears" "Just breathe." "...for a million years" "To make you feel my love" "I know you haven't made your mind up yet" "But I would never do you wrong" "I've known it from the moment that we met" "No doubt in my mind where you belong" "Hey, be kind." "It's a work in progress." "It's beautiful." "It's a door." "Come on in." "This is it." "Nineteenth-century Texas pine." "Love that smell." "Feel this." "It's tongue and groove." "Excuse me?" "They're cut and matched perfect to fit together." "You, um... want to see the porch?" "It's this way." "It'll have a great view when the trailer's gone." "This will wrap all around the house." "This is nice." "They call that a swing." "Maybe you could hang it." "Yeah, I could." "This is from Mom and Dad's old place." " Yeah?" " Mm-hmm." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." " It's comfy, huh?" " Yeah." "This'll be a nice house, Justin." "Who was your architect?" "You kiddin', huh?" "That's half the fun." "You go around Smithville painting houses, and you can do this?" " Yep." " You could do so much more." " I guess so, huh." " You know what I meant." "I know exactly what you meant." "The American Dream." "You find something you love, then you twist and torture it..." "Trying to find a way to make money at it." "Spend a lifetime doing that." "At the end, there's not a trace of what you started out lovin'." "What did you start out lovin'?" "Don't remember." "For me, it was doing things right, that's all." "That's why I came back, so I could live the way I wanted." "I figured out of everybody, you'd understand that." "I do." "I envy you." "Everything you love..." "is right here." "Not everything, Birdee." "Hey, hey." " Justin, I can't..." " Shh." "You are so beautiful." "I'm not afraid of living alone" "I was alone before he came" "Don't have the strength to fight anymore" "This time's not the same" "So tell me why I keep holding on" "To something I just cannot see" "What makes you stay" "When your world falls apart?" "What makes you try one more time when it's not in your heart?" "At the end of your world" "When you can't find any hope" "You still look at him and say" "I just can't walk away" "Tell me, what makes you stay?" "I'll talk to you later." "Bye." "Mama?" "Kitchen!" " Where's Bernice?" " They ate hours ago." "She had a face on her like a bucket of worms." " I don't know what's going on." " What's this?" "Nothing." "I just invited Justin over for dinner." "He sounded like he needed some cheering up." " I don't want to see Justin." " Justin is my friend." "If he's down in the dumps, and I feel like cheering him up, that's my business." "This is not the time for your matchmaking stunts." "Matchmaking?" "What an imagination." "Oh, come on, Birdee." "Come on." "Join us." "You don't have to say anything." "You could just sit there." "Maybe you could quietly chew or something." "There's nothing you can do about it, sweetie." "I'm going upstairs to sleep." "All right." "Birdee, this has never been a rude house." "Strange, perhaps, but never rude." "I would like you to welcome our guest." "I'm still your mama." "Move it!" "Hello, Bernice." " These are for you." " Thanks, but I'm allergic." " Hey, Miss Calvert." " Hey, Justin, glad to see you." " How you doin'?" " Good." "I don't want these." "Bernice." "Thanks, anyway." " Hey, what's goin' on?" " Hey, Justin." "Oh, my goodness!" "You've been cookin', Miss Calvert." "I hope you enjoy it." "Yes, indeed." "Come on, let's all sit down here now." "That's fine." "You're not joining us?" "I forgot I ate earlier with the children." "This memory's really goin'." "Oh..." "Hmm..." " Sorry about last night." " I'm sorry about this morning." " I know you have a crush on me." " A crush?" " Birdee, this ain't high school." " You know what I mean, Bill." "Justin." " What?" " My name is Justin." "It ain't Bill." " I'm sorry." " You know, Birdee..." "You used to be so..." "I don't know..." "Audacious." "Bold." "People would stop to watch you come down the street." ""Here comes that Birdee Calvert."" "Their eyes would light up." "You could see it on their faces." "Look at me." "You think you've lost that." "I can still see it." " Bill can't see that." " You know nothing about Bill." "I know that Bill could let you go." "Damn, Birdee!" "When are you gonna face the fact that he ain't comin' back?" "Get out of here!" "My daddy is coming back!" "He loves me, and he wants my mother." "He'll kill you if you come around here." " Tell him!" " Be quiet." " You better go." " Yep." "Why don't both of you go out?" "Bernice and I will stay here." "That's all right." "When you're tired of waiting, call me." "I hope I'm still around." "Thanks, Miss Calvert." "You just amaze me, Birdee." "Your love life has always been a disaster area." "They ought to have big orange cones all around you." "What can I say?" "I'm my own crown of thorns." "Hey, you think life goes on forever?" "You think behind every chance there's another one?" "It's the worst kind of extravagance, spending chances." "Get out of here, Don't come back!" "Bernice!" "Bernice, stop it!" "What's the matter with you?" "Why didn't you tell him he loves us?" "Oh, God, Bernice, because I don't know." "I don't know if Daddy loves us or if he's coming back." "He loves me, even if he doesn't love you!" "Oh, I just sent him away." "What more do you want?" "I want my Daddy." "He left because you didn't love him enough." "No, Bernice, your daddy didn't love me enough." "You know this is all your fault." "Whoa... whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Aunt Birdee, help!" "Please?" "Somebody?" "I've fallen over, and I can't get up!" "Help!" "You know, that is the prettiest one." "Birdee Calvert." "She looks like she belongs in a bar." "Hello, Birdee." "It's about time you said hi." " Hey, Mike." " You being good?" "I'm trying to be, but it doesn't seem to be working out that way." "Uh, can I get a vodka tonic, extra lime, please?" " Sure, you may." " Thanks." "Senior citizens in a convalescent home." "Raquel, what do you want to say to Damius?" "You know how I get calls really late?" "Just say it." "What?" "When they call me..." "It's on me." "They call me to dance." "I'm really an exotic dancer." "Raquel... you shouldn't have done this on TV." "I mean, "Birdee." What kind of name is... what..." "You know what happens to birdies?" "They're cat food or target practice." "Birdee." "Birdee." "Birdee!" "It's a good name." "Have some coffee." "Pace yourself." " I'm fine." "I'm gonna go home." " You sure?" " Mm-hmm." " OK." "Don't let me get like that, for God's sakes!" "Pretty pathetic, huh?" "Uh-huh!" "Poor woman." "Husband leaves her on national television." "I know." "We cried." "Do not believe everything you see, all right?" "If I believed everything I saw down at the photo shop..." "I'd believe Miss Bobbi-Claire got herself some new titties." "I got one word for y'all:" "Polaroids." "Polaroid... oh, come on!" "Bobbi-Claire, don't leave." " Come on!" "You won!" " Take it easy, Birdee." "Que sera, sera, people." "Birdee, are you OK?" "Whatever you do, please don't say anything." "Don't be clever, don't be smart, 'cause I can't take it tonight." "Sit on that." "The tiles are always so cold in this bathroom." "Everything's so wrong without Bill." "I know." "I miss him so much." "He used to call me "baby."" "I never thought I'd like that, but I did... with him." "Sure, you do." "I miss his hands." "I miss the way he would put them on the small of my back... and lead me into a room." "It made me feel so safe." "I miss all that." " Of course you do." " Uh-huh." "You know, it's so easy to believe him, but you know what?" "I think it's me." "I do, because..." "He used to look at me, and I'd see myself in his eyes, and it was like he saw me." "And I was audacious, Mama." "I was." "And then..." "Things started to change." "The harder I'd try to be what he wanted me to be, the less I saw myself in his eyes." "One day I looked, and I was gone." " I still see her." " No, Mama, no." "No, it's happening with Bernice, too." "It's happening with Bernice." "She doesn't look at me the same way." "It's like there's a wall between us." "There's a wall, and it's killing me, 'cause the one thing I said when I grow up, if I ever had a daughter of my own, she would know her mother loved her, and I would hug her," "and I would tell her nice things, and I wouldn't just let the daddy do all the hugging." "And I know." "I realize that it doesn't matter who or what or when or where the hugging happens." "Sometimes you just need a hug." "And it just hasn't worked out that way." "You know, I..." "I've seen you hug your daughter." "She knows you love her." "Yeah, mothers love their daughters." "Even if they show it poorly." "Hi, Julia." "Here's the talent show list." "It's up!" "The audition list is up!" "I hope I'm near the beginning." "I'm so nervous." "Bernice!" "Ber..." "Bernice!" "I was gonna do a poem." "They don't like too many poems." "Hey..." "Hey, Birdee." " Hey, Chris." "How are you?" " Fine." "What's up?" "I was wondering if you could..." "Bernice!" " Bernice, honey!" " Isn't that your mom?" "Sweetheart!" "Let's go." "Could you give this to her?" "She forgot it." " I'll make sure she gets it." " Thanks." "Good to see you again." "When the rain is blowin' in your face" "And the whole world is on your case" "I could offer you a warm embrace" "To make you feel my love" "When evening shadows and the stars appear" "And there is no one to dry your tears" "I could hold you for a million years" "To make you feel my love" "Hey, Daddy." " Do you remember who I am?" " Hello." "Hi." "Isn't she beautiful?" " Yes, sir, she sure is." " That's my daughter..." "Birdee." " She's marked for happiness." " How do you know that?" "If you'll look at her, child, you'll see it." "By God, you're right." "I see it." "Hey, honey, your mom called a while ago." "She said she'd be home soon." "You want me to tuck you in?" " Yep?" "How tight?" " Tight." "OK." "Snug as a bug in a rug." "You're just like your mama." "She used to love me to tuck her in real tight." "I'm not like her." "We're different." "It's like we're not even relatives." "Ah, well... yeah." "Yeah." "I know what you mean." "Relatives are trouble." "I couldn't agree more." "I ever tell you about Walter, my brother?" "No?" "Well..." "What you have to go through with your mama, the suffering, that's what I had to suffer with Walter." "One day, we were playing down by the river, and we came across the most beautiful anthill you ever saw." "And bein' Walter, he immediately kicked it... and stomped on it, just scattering it to the four winds." "I just started howling." "I was just..." "I yelled for my mama." "I grabbed her and dragged her down there, just crying and carrying on." "Anyway, my mama was trying to calm me down, so she said," ""Wait, wait." "They're not finished, not by a long shot."" "And we waited and waited, and sure enough, those little black specks started scurrying everywhere, just working hard to build their home back." "And I said, "Why did they do it?" "I'd just give up." "I mean, it's hopeless."" "And my mama said, "Yeah, if there was just one ant." ""But there's lots of ants down there." ""They're all relatives." "They're family, just like we are."" "Well, that's what families are for." "That's why they invented families... so "hopeless" didn't get the last word." "So if ants can do it, I figure we can do it." "You know, my Birdee has a lot more strength than she knows." "And... one of these days, she's going to realize that." " I love you, Grandma." " Oh... oh, honey." "Honey." "My cup runneth over." "Say, haven't you got a birthday comin' up pretty soon?" "Want to tell Grandma what you wish for?" " No?" " No." "No?" "Well, never mind." "I'll figure that out." "I have my magic ways." " Good night, honey." " Good night." "Oh, Birdee!" "When did you get home?" "Oh, a while ago." "I went to go see Daddy." " That's nice." " Yeah." "You were always Daddy's girl." "Not just his, Mama." "Thank you." "Well... you're most welcome." "I'm gonna get some tea." "You want some?" "No, I'm OK." "Thanks." " Grandma?" "Grandma?" " Mama?" " Grandma!" " Mama." "Mama?" "Mama, what's up?" "What's wrong, Mama?" "Oh, God, Mama." "Bernice, go dial 911." "Mama... this isn't happening to me." "Come on." "Not now, Mama." "Don't do this to me now." "Don't do this to me now." "Wake up, Mama." "Mama, wake up!" "Wake up!" "Mama." "Mama, please!" "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "No, no, no, no..." "Privileged to have known Ramona Calvert all my life." "She doesn't need to be idealized in death... beyond what she was in life." "A complicated woman and a generous one, proud, and yet humble enough to help many of her neighbors quietly." "The mother of two fine daughters, and the wife of one good man." "She doesn't require any fancy words from the likes of me." "All I need to say is, we'll all miss her." "And I know, even seated next to our father..." "Daddy came back for us!" "He came back." "Thank you, Grandma." "May she rest in peace." "In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit..." "Amen." "May God be with you." "And also with you." "Daddy, I knew you'd come back!" "I knew it!" "Take it easy." "You're chokin' me." "Let's get a look at you." " What are you doing?" " Taking it home." " OK." "Hey." " You doin' all right?" "Yeah." "Thanks." "Want to see Mama?" "Hey, Travis." "Mind if I sit down?" "Birdee, why don't you sit down?" "That can wait." "OK." "Would you like any sugar or cream with that?" "I'm fine." "Want anything, sweetheart?" " I'm good." " Yeah?" "OK." "You got a telegram." "I waited my whole life to get one." "Still ain't had one." "It's from your mom." "She must care about you a lot to send you a telegram." "It's for Aunt Birdee." "Even so." "What you thinkin' about?" "Whether Aunt Birdee wants me." "Yeah, she does." "My grandma's dead." "I know." "Birdee, don't make me feel bad about this." "Only thing I'm guilty of is falling in love." "I didn't want it to happen." "I didn't seek it out, Birdee." " It just happened." " Oh, I'm sorry." "Are you talking about me or Connie?" "You seem to fall in love easily, so it's natural to be confused." " Here you go, Daddy." " I told you to play outside." " I will when you stop fighting." " We're not fightin'." " Nobody's fightin' here." " Nope." "Never did, did you?" "Lies always came really easy to you, didn't they." "Real easy." "Almost as easy as discarding your wife and child." "Kind of like a to-do list." "Wife's gone... check." "Daughter's gone... check, check." " Birdee, you left." "Remember?" " No." "You left long before I left you." "This isn't about who left first, Birdee." "We're not in love anymore." "You said you weren't gonna fight." "Bernice, if you don't get out of this house, you'll wish you had." "Don't you ruin anything!" "Look, if you fell out of love with me, you should've left long ago... instead of skirting' around behind my back." "Maybe I'll go there one day." " Where's that?" " California." "To see my mom." "I'm sure she'd like that." "Yeah." "How come you're out here all by yourself?" " Where's that crazy Bernice?" " She's inside with her father." " Everything's OK, right?" " Yeah." "What you feel like doin'?" " Want to go for a walk?" " Aren't you going to say hi?" "Don't you know?" " I came over to say hi to you." " Hi." "God, I would've stayed with you forever." "I would've turned myself inside out for you." "Birdee, I wouldn't have let you." "People grow." "They change." "They have to." "You don't think I know that?" "I know that I'm not what I once was." "I know that." "But neither are you." "You're sad, you're weak, and you're... you're shorter," "if you want to know the truth." "But I haven't changed so much that I'd lie to someone I loved." "I'd walk through fire before I'd let them feel they were nothin'." "And I would never break up anybody's home." "Because I am not a quitter." "I care about my family." "I'm in love with Connie." "This is my chance for a fresh start, and I'm takin' it." "Then you should take it." "If that's your chance, then you should take it." "You're right." "You and Connie deserve each other." "You were lucky to have me." "But you know what?" "I think I already got the best part of you." "She's standing right out there, and she's waitin' for me." "What's left over doesn't look so good anymore." "So why'd you come back?" "You want my permission?" "You want my condolences?" "Why'd you come back?" "I didn't want to do this today, but I want a divorce, Birdee." "I'm coming with you, Daddy!" "Bernice?" "I'm going with Daddy." "Bernice, what do you think you're doin'?" " I'm going with you." " Honey, that's impossible." " But I'm going with you." " You gotta stay with your mama." "Birdee, you gonna help me out?" "You told me you wanted me with you, remember?" "Listen, honey, I've got to go." "Don't do this to yourself, OK?" "Don't make a scene." "Go on back inside." "Go ahead." "Stop it, Daddy!" "Bernice, you know I'd take you with me if I could." " You can!" " Try to understand, baby." "Connie and I need this time to ourselves, to make a go of it." "Then I'll come back for you." "I promise, I promise!" "Now, go on inside, please!" "You want me!" "You wrote it in a letter!" "Please..." "let me in!" "You want me!" "I'll always want you, Bernice." "You're my little princess." " No." " But your mama needs you." " No!" " And you need her." "No, I don't!" "I need you!" " I love you, princess." " Please!" " I gotta go." " No!" "No!" "Daddy!" "Daddy!" "Please!" "Daddy!" "Daddy!" "Daddy!" "I want my daddy!" "Why did you pretend that letter was from Daddy?" "What an imagination you have." "You know, I always thought that I was going to be... special." "But I'm not." "I'm just..." "just an ordinary person." "And that's OK." "Because you make me special." "Don't you know that?" "Don't you know you are everything in this world to me?" "And we'll make it through this because... we are a team." "Birdee and Bernice, the coolest chicks in Smithville." "Don't ever think about leaving me again." "Because I need you." "I love you." " Me, too." " Good." "Bad dog!" "Very bad dog!" "Anything interesting come in while I was at lunch?" "No, sir." "Oh!" "Oh, no!" "Look at these." " Birdee?" " No!" "What's wrong with this stupid machine?" "God, I tell you, I'd..." "When you love someone" "You'll do anything" "OK, Mama, stop pushing'." "You'll do all the crazy things" "That you can't explain" "You'll shoot the moon" "Put out the sun" "When you love someone" "You'll deny the truth" "Believe a lie" "There'll be times that you believe" "That you can really fly" "That your lonely nights" "Have just begun" "When you love someone" "And when you love someone" "You feel it deep inside" "Y'all ready?" "Go ahead." "I want to talk to Bernice for a second." "Aah!" "Vroom!" "You're stuck with us now, buddy." "What are you lookin' at?"