"( theme music playing )" "i suspect that this meat that i am trying to eat passed the winning post at longchamps some time ago-- probably in last place." "this ill-fitting uniform that i am wearing has landed me in serious trouble." "i put it on to escape the germans only to to be captured by the fanatical communist resistance." ""why do you not tell them that you are the well-known and jolly cafe owner rene artois?" i hear you say." "because my friends, they think that rene artois is a collaborator and he is on their hit list." "and very near the top." "shut up." "this old forger and safebreaker and incompetent pianist is also, you will note, disguised as a german officer." "but he is even less convincing than i am." "may i now have the fork, please?" "i would like to eat my peas." "use your knife, like you usually do." "look out, somebody is coming." "now to business." "tie his other hand to the pillar." "what?" "but-- look, if this is going to take long, would you put that food back in the oven?" "there is nothing worse than cold horse." "prepare his back." "what?" "( jacket rips )" "if you had asked, i would have taken it off." "you can drop the phony french accent, von smittelhoffen." "a german lieutenant must have much information for us." "i know absolutely nothing of any use to you." "you will reveal everything." "well, we are half-way there already." "ma'amselle laroque was formerly a lion tamer." "laroque?" "laroque, that name rings a bell." "are you one of the nancy laroques?" "you clearly know more about me than is good for you." "are you in the gestapo?" "no, no, definitely not-- and if i may say so, my friend over there who is very old and frail, and suffering from a severe hiatus hernia, finds this whole interview most distressing." "good." "we will beat you till he talks." "beat away, i will not talk." "i will not besmirch the honor of the von becksteins." "hell hitler." "thank you, erich von stroheim." "now, von smittelhoffen, if you wish to save yourself a lot of pain, you will tell us the date of the german invasion of england." "no, no, no, no." "do not tell them." "well, hitler keeps these things to himself." "you know hitler." "you know how he is." "but i did hear someone mention the second sunday in epiphany." "wait a minute-- what is this mark on your right shoulder?" "oh i'm glad you asked me about that-- it is a birthmark." "i was born in a snowstorm." "the doctor could not come out, he had asian flu." "so madame triconfort, who was my mother's home help at the time, assisted at the confinement." "she used the tongs that were in the coal bucket." "that is how i got this birthmark." "what is the next question?" "it is a perfect gooseberry." "it even has the little hairs on it." "i have seen this before." "it was on the shoulder of my childhood sweetheart." "( romantic music plays ) it was a hot august day, on a riverbank in nancy." "the scent of the flowers in the fields filled the air that we breathed." "he was fishing." "i sat beside him." "he let me hold his worms." "we kissed a gentle kiss, and the ice cream that i was holding melted on his shirt." "chocolate ripple." "correct." "he removed his shirt to cleanse it in the bubbling stream, and for the first time, i saw the mark-- this mark." "but his name was rene artois." " my name is rene artois!" " ( music ends )  i cannot believe it." "tell her, tell her i am rene artois." "i am saying nothing." "long live the third reich." " hell hitler." " shut up." "are you sure it is him?" "we vowed to love each other till the end of time." "and then, on that warm riverbank, he took my most treasured possession, my medal for gymnastics." "he broke it in half." "i still have my half." "and i have mine." "oh!" "see, it fits." "rene!" "barbara." "denise." "denise, i'm sorry." "destiny has drawn us together." "i will never let you go again." "in this position, this is not very good news." "who is in there?" "who is driving?" "who has damaged my little tank?" "clarence, come out of that tank at once." "are you the drover of this tink?" "of course not, you fool!" "i am outside it, am i not?" "clarence, come out!" "show yourself." "good morning, lieutenant." "madame edith." "what are you doing in my little tank?" "i think something backed into me." "a woman drover." "i might have goosed." "madame edith, public conveniences do not back into people." "and unauthorized peasants are forbidden from entering german tanks." "we just popped in to look at your controls." "we must have pressed a button." "i have a knife." "i will kill him." "keep talking while i creep round behind him." "stay where you are." "oh, i am so sorry." "it is not too bad." "i will get it painted for you, if you let me have it for a couple of days." "what about the possoir?" "it is an absolute shimbles." "i cannot think what possessed you, madame edith." "lieutenant, i have to confess, i was on my way to rescue rene." "rene?" "where is he?" "he has been captured by the communist resistance." "the communist resistance?" "they are ruthless." "they think he is a collaborator." "he is on their hit list." "gruber:" "oh dear." "rene, my friend." "this is terrible." "i will take full responsibility for this occurrence, officer." "and who is going to pee for the possoir?" "i am fully comprehensive." "send the bill to berlin." "is there anybody there?" "there's nobody about, carstairs." "the place looks like the marie celeste." "i didn't know you had a classical education." "i saw the film." "i'm fed up with being cooped up in that damn cupboard." "let's have a drink." "i don't know whether you've noticed, but those froggies aren't doing much about getting us home." "say when." "when." "you know, i've been scratching the old brain box." "steady on." "why don't we go out, find a jerry, give ourselves up, and get into a proper prisoner of war camp?" "yes." "at least we'd get letters from home." "and red cross parcels." "and they have a proper escape committee run by professionals." "we'd probably get a decent cup of tea, as well." "and they put on plays and things." "that's right, yes." "i always fancied playing heathcliff in "wuthering heights."" "yes." "you wouldn't be bad." "mind you, they don't have girls." "you'd probably have to shave off your mustache and play cathy." "customers." "quick, attend to them." "edith:" "give them a drink." "oh, it is the british airmen!" "what are they doing down here?" "you should be upstairs, in the cupboard." "what's she going on about?" "i think she wants to take you upstairs and rip her blouse open." "she looks a bit desperate." "look out, there are two germans coming." "i will smash them over the head and hide their bodies in the cellar." "put it down." "come in, welcome." "we have a table for you by the window." "shall we surrender to them?" "good heavens, no." "we're officers, they're privates." "we should only give ourselves up to officers." "this one really is keen, isn't she?" "sorry, old girl, some other time." "go-y walkie, find-y jerry." "give-y uppy." "she's not chinese, you know." "come on, carstairs." "quick." "find officer crabtree, he speaks their language." "he certainly doesn't speak ours." "how dare you try to bluff a senior gestapo officer with a pair of tens." "i have won." "am i allowed to see your hand, herr flick?" "no, you have lost." "i get your gestapo pen and pencil set." "helga." "i am here to report in accordance with your orders, herr flick." "first, you may kiss me." "von smallhausen, pull down your bandages." "ooh, that sounded like a real smacker." "get out." "was that kiss satisfactory, herr flick?" "no. you smell of diesel." "lieutenant gruber gave me a ride in his little tank." "sit." "did you gain any information about the plot to blow up hitler?" "no, but i am making progress." "he allowed me to manipulate his gears from third to top." "this, i am informed by lieutenant gruber, is a rare privilege." "this is good." "what else?" "he also demonstrated to me his gun, but whilst showing me how to put one up the spout, he caught his fingers in the breech-block." "it is a dangerous mechanism, and results in many painful accidents." "do you have time for our usual game of poker?" " of course." " shall i deal?" "why bother?" "now that i know you are a close friend of the bravest man in france, i should give myself to you." "heh heh heh." "unfortunately, i have to blow up a train, the 12:30 express from paris." "could you not wait for the goods train at 4:15?" "until the next time." "i cannot even remember the first time." "rene, what happened?" "the mark of the hairy gooseberry has saved our lives." "i was able to explain to them all my brave exploits that i carried out under the guise of a cowardly cafe owner." "so we are in the clear." "let's get back to the cafe." "unfortunately, she has decided that i am her destiny and she will not let us go." "why do you worry?" "she is an intelligent woman, with beautiful boobies." "but think of the life i would have to lead-- blowing up bridges and trains, dodging bullets, sleeping in hedges, living in ditches." "this is no life for a coward." "especially one with a good business." "come on, let's go." "the welfare committee of the communist resistance, of which i am the chairperson, has had a meeting." "by a show of daggers we have decided that i will be allowed to marry you, and the wedding can take place on saturday." "oh, that is good news." "we will commandeer the church of saint paul in the rue de vallee." "we will kidnap the priest, and we will break into the dress shop of madame lenare, and steal the wedding dress which is displayed in her window." "for you, a morning suit and top hat will be acquired by forcing the back door of the 500 franc tailors in the high street." "i see all the normal arrangements have been made." "who is doing the catering?" "or will it just be sandwiches on the run?" "i can hardly wait until the moment when we are one." "look, denise, perhaps i had better go home." "it would be unlucky for me to see you in that wedding dress, particularly in view of the way you are acquiring it." "perhaps you are right." "and if you were here, the bonds of my self control would surely burst, and i would throw myself upon you as if i were one of the caged lions that i used to train." "yes, well, there is that as well." "now look, you have a good week, blowing things up, and i will see you at the church on saturday." "it will be so." "until then." "( growls ) oh, yes." "( growls ) she's very keen." "she is demented about you." "surely, there must be somebody else that she fancies?" "there was but one man in her life, and he let her down." "he was dead as he hit the ground." "heart attack?" "she threw him off the eiffel tower." "that is enough to give anybody a heart attack." "see you saturday." "good morning." "it's that undertaker chappie going to the cafe." "fairfax:" "i hope the old girl hasn't snuffed it." "at least if she has, we get a bed." "i'm not sharing with you again." "we'll take it in turns." "anyway, we're going to give ourselves up, so it doesn't apply." "my, my. those peaches look most appetizing." "we will have two." "how much is that?" "do not pay." "we are the conquerors." "if we wish to consume a couple of peaches, we may do so." "go away!" "you are far too lenient with these peasants." "yes, general." "i will be more stern in future." "good." "we are in danger of becoming a laughing stock." "i agree." "the french are becoming very cheeky." "putting smoke bombs down my chimney is more than cheeky, colonel." "you are too easy-going." "you must be much more severe with them." "is this understood?" " yes, general." " good." "let it be done." "here come some jerry officers." "shall we do it?" "yes, let's." "excuse me." "we're british airmen." "we wish to surrender." "impertinent peasants!" "you are being very cheeky." "ooh, ah, ow!" "i say, steady on, that hurts." "that was excellent." "that will teach them." "oh!" "make a note of his number and we'll report him to the geneva convention." "carstairs:" "i say, look, there's the itai officer." "what's itai for "i surrender"?" "most of those ice cream sellers speak a bit of english." "come on." "we, british." "surrender, surrender." "don't shoot, it's a fair cop." "what do we do now?" "walk the other way." "mamma, monsieur alphonse, the undertaker, is here to pay his respects." "i am 5'2"." "tell him to go away." "dear madame fanny, i bring flowers to the beautiful lady who may, pray god, soon be my mother-in-law." "what is he saying?" "has rene kicked the bucket?" "we do not know, mamma, but it is possible." "the communists have him, and he is on their hit list." "better dead than red." "in anticipation of this distressing news, i have the honor to ask for your daughter's hand in wedlock." "oh!" "what will become of me?" "there is a granny annex over the mortuary." "permission not granted." "you may live here, or anywhere you want." "what would satisfy you?" "a cottage with roses around the door, a personal servant and a handsome chauffeur to push my wheelchair." "you drive a hard bargain, but i agree to your terms." "oh, well, you have my permission." "oh, thank you, mamma." "we will lay the first brick immediately the war is over." "no, no, no, no." "the foundations must be laid immediately after the wedding." "getting laid after the war will be no good to me." "i agree." "yvette." "rene." "back from the dead." "i thought you would never again walk through that door." "me, too." "oh, rene, hold me, crush me in your vice-like grip." " oh." " oh." "oh, how i have missed the smell of garlic and hair oil." "oh, promise me you will never leave me again." "well, i am certainly available until saturday." "where is edith?" "she's upstairs with your mother-in-law." "tell her i have returned from the grave." "rene, will you tell her today that we plan to marry?" "i will tell her that there are marriage plans afoot." "now go quickly." "rene." "mimi." "is this a ghost i see before me, or just a figment of my tortured mind?" "no, it is your own lovable rene." "ah." "let my lips find your lips." "let my arms find your arms." "let my heart beat in time with your heart." "well, this may not be easy, but we can practice." "i cannot hear your heart at all." "you are listening to my appendix." "thank you for your blessing, mamma." "do it quickly, my children." "we intend to." "good, good." "i was young and impetuous at your age." "and it lasted until i was-- nearly his age." "edith, rene-- he is down below." "i am not surprised, he is not the type to go to heaven." "no, he has been released unharmed." "drat." "monsieur alphonse is overcome" " by the good news." " it is my dicky ticker." "quick on the bed with him." "aaahhh!" "so, i turn my back for one minute, and this is what happens." "do you not realize you can be seen from the belfry of the church by the verger when he is oiling his mechanism?" "he has a dicky ticker." "in bed with your mother, i am not surprised." "forgive me, monsieur, it was the shock." "i am now fully recovered." "good." "edith, sit down." "now, edith, what i am about to say to you may come as a surprise." "it has been arranged for me to marry at the church of saint paul, in the rue de vallee, next saturday morning." "oh, rene." "ah." "edith, the person that i am to marry, my bride to be-- this is not easy for me to say." "be kind, rene." "i will leave the room." "do not worry, rene, my dearest heart, words are not necessary." "this is the moment i have been waiting for, for what seems like a lifetime, but is in fact, nine and a half weeks." "edith, do not make this difficult for me." "under threat of death, i have to marry the head of the communist resistance." "you have to marry the head of the communist resistance?" "edward "scarface" sablon?" "no, he is the paris branch." "i am talking about the nouvion west sub-area." "they are affiliated to paris, but they work independently." "pardon me, but will you come to the point?" "who are you going to marry?" "i am to wed denise laroque." "no." "no." "yes." "if i do not do this terrible thing, i am a dead duck." "no man has ever said no to denise laroque and lived." "ah!" "my dicky ticker." "madame edith, madame, do not distress yourself." "ah!" "do you not see-- all of our dreams can now be fulfilled." "ah!" "oh, i see you have told her that you are to marry me." "do not worry, madame edith, i will make him a wonderful wife." "what?" "you!" "rene, what have you got to say for yourself?" "oh, my dicky ticker!" "( theme music playing )"