"Subtitles ripped by Worst" "Andy, what have we got penciled for Episode 6?" "The bogus therapy center or that bloke who's fobbing off" "St Thomas' transplant unit with buffalo parts." "Yes... hold that space" "I've just been for a dip at the sports centre in Whitbury Newtown..." "weird place!" "Woman on reception looks like she's been released into the community and a fella dishing out towels looks like he's got some flesh eating disease." "Yes well, we've done the health and safety piece already this series." "Yes but the public have a right to know... besides it's just round the corner so it will be cheap to film!" "That Nigerian trip has blown the entire budget speaking of which... here is the secret filming from inside that millionaire's villa in Lagos." "You know the white slave trader who's been claiming social security." "We had to panicky call from the housekeeper, she wants to keep her identity protected." "No way!" "No, no we have to see those lash marks on her cheeks." "It took our make up girl an hour and a half to do that." "Well the release could always get lost in the post, couldn't it?" "Yes, it happens all the time." "Hello Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre?" "Yes, can I speak to a Mr Britts please?" "Well the woman on reception told me it was Britts." "Brittas, alright yes I'll hold." "I'll arrange the interview for later this afternoon and sneak round with a secret camera earlier." "Hello Mr Brittas?" "It's Roger Ferguson here, Crusader Television." "I was wondering if we could pop round and interview you for a for a documentary we're doing?" "You'd be delighted?" "Excellent!" "Yes, 3 o'clock this afternoon?" "Ok, look forward to seeing you then, bye." "Right Brittas..." "I'm gonna have you for breakfast!" "Come on then what do you want, tea or coffee?" "That's a very interesting question Julie and one that must be taken very seriously indeed, especially as the overall well being of my staff has to be taken into account." "Because you know... at the end of the day, it's... at the end of the day it's their commitment to the customer here at Whitbury Leisure Centre that is of paramount importance" "You've lost me." "Julie you've just been handled." "You what?" "I turned your question into an opportunity to make a policy statement on behalf of Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre primary skill in media and public relations Julie." "This afternoon we have a company called Crusader Television coming to make a documentary about us." "Tell the staff... briefing in one hour please." "Is that tea or coffee then?" "Firstly, I think it's important we put tea and coffee in context." " Can we open them?" " No" " Why not?" " Dunno!" "Morning, morning everyone!" "Glad to see everyone in such high spirits this morning." "Right, as you know this afternoon a television company is coming to the centre to do a documentary about us." "You'll be sharing your lives with six million others." "I told you we needed a bigger duvet." "So it is vital that what we say and how we present ourselves comes across as positively as possible." "Oakey Dokey you can open your packs... now!" "I haven't got a pack Mr Brittas." "What's this?" "Those are your scripts." "But we don't know what they are going to ask us yet!" "Right rule number one Linda of handling the media, take the game to them, dictate the agenda." "Mr Brittas, I haven't got a pack." "Who's this?" "That is your wife and children." "My what?" "Essential for all seated interview situations, vase of flowers on one side, family photo behind." "Calming, reassuring" "Mr Brittas" "Look Gavin, I know you wouldn't have chosen carnations but we don't have a lot of time." "Also in your packs you'll find a timetable for your make over and a list of sound bytes." "Mr Brittas!" "Platform heels were only a suggestion, Linda." "We can always find you a waste paper bin to stand on." "Mr Brittas!" "If it's about the cosmetic dentistry..." "My bottom Mr Brittas does not need tucking!" "I haven't got a pack Mr Brittas." "This whole thing is absolutely outrageous, why can't we be our natural selves?" "People pick up on the slightest thing Linda." "Take me for example to all of you I'm in charge," "I'm in control." "I oversee a vastly sophisticated operation yet something is letting me down, something is sending out a signal that I'm not in charge that I may well be making a bit of a fool of myself." "Any guesses?" "Mr Brittas" "Exactly" "Tie and hanky not co-ordinated!" "Television is merciless." "Mr Brittas!" "Right go away and learn those scripts please." "What is it Colin?" " I haven't got a pack" " Er, no." "Please tell me they're going to film my new methane generator." "I'm sorry about that accident the other day Mr Brittas, if I'd known there was going to be a wedding ceremony..." "It's alright Colin it'll be in." "And the children's corner, my snake breeding program has exceeded wildest expectations." "Colin please relax they are a vital part of the program." "However, I do have to tell you that..." "TV prefers the bland, the inoffensive, the camera friendly people like yourself with distinctive, characterful looks can often be cruelly distorted." "And you wouldn't like that would you?" "I wouldn't Mr Brittas, no." "Right so, as a special favor," "I've hired a double to stand in for you." "Thank you Mr Brittas." "Welcome to Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre how may I help you?" "Steady with those arms Carole." "Too many gestures distract." "Welcome to Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre, how may" "Welcome to Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre, how may I help" "I'm sorry" "Carole watch me." "Welcome to Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre, how can I help you?" "Got it?" "Welcome to Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre, how may I help?" "I'm sorry Mr Brittas." "Carole there's only one thing for it... turn round please." "Yes Mr Brittas." "Right, give me your arms." "Yes Mr Brittas." " What are you doing Mr Brittas?" " There you go." "Right, again please." "Welcome to Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre, how may I help you?" "Perfect." "Yes but my hands..." "Mr..." "Colin, what are you doing?" "He's just having a swim." "It's against all the regulations." "He's nearly four." "He's a rat!" "He is not a rat!" "He is an Agunati." "Good lad!" "They spread disease, he should never have left children's corner." "We will have to tell Mr Brittas, the water will have to be changed." "Oh, please don't do that Linda he lives for his morning swim." "He's cooped up all day in his pen dreaming of his lake in the Andes" "I'm sorry Colin if you don't, I will." "Look, the only way they infect the water is if they do their..." "Oh!" "Must be the bit of black pudding I gave him for breakfast." "I was just thinking how lucky we are we've got good staff relationships a subsidised canteen with at least two vegetarian options." "and uninterrupted views of interesting parkland and shrubbery." "Mr Brittas I can't do this, it's so contrived." "Nonsense." "It sounded fine." "Let's go from the top again please and Tim, a little bit more passion on stacking the safety floats." "Mr Brittas, I think it's time we changed the water in the pool." "No, it's..." "I think it's time we roped off the ducklings, and you've come in far too early." "No, I really mean it!" "Now what page are you on?" "I'm nowhere Mr Brittas, we must change the pool water." "Linda, as soon as we start ad libbing the whole thing falls apart." "I'm not ad libbing I'm trying to..." "Right..." "let's take it again from the top of scene three please." "Come on... out you go, come on!" "Welcome to Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre, how may I help you?" "Hi, I'm Colin..." "Colin Wetherby." "Yes, and I'm Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine." "Actually I'm Brett Daniels, I'm standing in for him today." "Ah, you must be the model." "Come with me." "Mr Brittas, Mr Brittas!" "You're doing fine Carole." "Can I have my bag please?" "Yes of course." "Colin, this is Brett, he's going to be your double today." "Hi." "I'll just have a quick dip and a workout before I'm on call," " alright?" " Of course." "That's what the camera likes Colin." "This is shameful Mr Brittas!" "You can't just dump Colin like this." "No-one said anything about dumping." "He's simply being enhanced a bit when he's in vision." "And on sound." "Hi, I'm Colin." "I've just unblocked cubicle three and I've put alpine fresh in the urinals." "Now if anybody wants me, I'll be outside in the car park waiting for the chicken droppings delivery." "Does he really say things like that?" "Oh, yes, yes." "Brett, this is Tim, this is Linda." " Hi." " Hi." "This is Gavin" "Hi!" "Hi!" "I'll just get myself ready then Mr Brittas, if it's ok" "I might catch ten minutes on the tanning bed." "Yes that's fine B." "Mr Brittas, I'm not standing for this." "Nor am I." "Personally, I think Brett should be given a chance!" "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, Colin." "I don't understand." "I won the most beautiful baby at the Bishop Auckland cattle show." "That's me at school, teachers pet three years running." "What's that?" "Ah it was a game she had, if we were good in class we got to wear a paper bag over our heads." "And at secondary school?" "I was in all the school plays you know," "Phantom of the Opera," "The Man in the Iron Mask," "Moby Dick!" "Aah..." "Romeo and Juliet." "I played Romeo, we did a modern version set in the East End." "There I am Romeo the bank robber with a sawn-off shotgun and a... stocking over my... head." "Oh my God!" "All these years and I thought..." "Loss of self-esteem, Colin?" "Happens to us all sometimes." "Main thing is to keep your dignity and rise above it." "It just happened to me." "I went on a revenge reconciliation week." "Hit it off with this man, he seemed like my soul mate, same star sign, same childhood trauma." "On the final night we went back to his room for some..." "Shiatsu." "And after we finished Shiatsu I went into the bathroom and... found his wallet lying open on the floor." "He wasn't who he said he was at all, he was a damn journalist come to investigate our Guru, he'd used me!" "He had a secret camera hidden in his briefcase." "Anyway..." "I conquered my feelings, put it all behind me." "I can honestly say I've completely, got over him" "A spot!" "Oh my God I've got a spot!" "What is going on here?" "You know you're not allowed to faint in a place that might cause an obstruction." "He's broken out in spots Mr Brittas." "Look how they are sweating!" "It's fever." "Mr Brittas, Mr Brittas come quick please, please!" "Not now Carole." "Come with me Linda." "Now come on Brett." "Come on, let Mr Brittas have a quick look at your face." "Go away!" "Oh come on, let's just have a little peep, go on." "Brett, show me your face, there's a good model." "Uuurrgghh!" " That is ghastly!" " Yep, it's a tragedy!" "He's got a fever too!" "We'll have to check the whole centre." "I'd better call your agent, they'll dock your fee for this." "LINDA:" "Oh my God!" "Colin what have you done?" "Hello!" "No you're fine!" "Marvellous." "Ah!" "SCREAMING!" "It's OK ladies... just checking... yes, fine." "Well it's definitely everyone who used the pool." "Right, have Tim and Linda round up everyone who's used it today and quarantine them in squash courts two and three." "Hadn't we better close the centre down?" "Why Gavin?" "Well, we've clearly got an outbreak of some sort of highly contagious disease." "No we don't!" "It's just a minor incident, which we must contain and manage in such a way so as not to cause panic and hence spoil the enjoyment of other people." "Module 3, we did it after coffee and doughnuts." "Right." "TIM:" "In you go, you've been great, come along now, let's go." "In you go, in you go." "What the hell is going on?" " Um." " Fire drill." " Fire drill" " Yes, fire drill!" "In there, let's go, ok that's it." "So what do we say if people ask about the pool being closed?" "Operational reasons." "Why have the swimmers been locked up in the squash courts?" "Our monthly random verruca check..." "And the hysterical banging on the doors?" "They're rehearsing the Whitbury Carnival while they wait." "Look as far as everyone else is concerned everything is normal and it's business as usual." "Right, scabies, shingles, tropical viruses, hello... sudden rash of pustules accompanied by fever, tropical viral infection transmitted only in water usually prevalent in swamp areas." "Bobula fever." "Bobula fever?" "Usually originating in rodents" "Incubation period 24 hours to 7 days, outlook if treated in time full recovery possible, if not oh, there's a page missing!" "We don't have any rodents in the pool, unless we've suddenly got very slack in issuing leisure cards." "Nah, we can rule out Bobula fever." "Um, Mr Brittas." "Colin's got something to say." "Thyrotixicosis... pardon?" "There might have been..." "Yes Colin?" "one or two rodents who might have got into contact with the pool, a little bit." "It's just the Agunati's were getting so cooped up in children's corner and..." "How much contact exactly Colin?" "Enough for them to learn butterfly." "Colin Wetherby, I'm surprised at you!" "You of all people." "Not only have you put the lives of the entire population of" "Whitbury at risk, but you've also broken Leisure Centre regulation 38b concerning amphibious and semi-amphibious wildlife." "These things spread like crazy, it'll be up the M3 round the M25 and on mainland Europe by the weekend." "I don't think so, Mr Brittas, the road works in the" "Surrey section are terrible." "I'll deal with you later Colin." "I want those animals disposed of now please." "It's because you're not camera friendly isn't it?" "That's why Mr Brittas wants you put down." "If you were peacocks or tigers, glamorous animals, that would be quite a different matter." "I just can't do it." "Right well I've phoned Whitbury Hospital tropical disease unit and they're sending round a consultant with a batch of anti-Bobula serum." "Excellent Julie!" "So, what are you gonna do if the press get hold of this?" "You know how they made a mountain out of a molehill when the centre burned down." "All handling our friends in the media Julie." "Nip it in the bud with some swift positive action." "Hello, Whitbury Evening News?" "News desk please." "Hello Gordon Brittas, Manager of Whitbury Leisure Centre." "I'd just like to quell any rumours you might have heard about there being an outbreak of contagious disease here at the leisure centre." "Oh and by the way, it's definitely not Bobula fever." "There you go, piece of cake!" "I'm from the Whitbury Evening News may I speak to Mr Brittas?" "Business as usual, everything is normal!" "TELEPHONE RINGS" "Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre." "everything's normal, business as usual." "Excuse me, I think I left my wallet here." "Operational reasons, everything's normal." "I was in earlier, I think I left my wallet in the changing room or the swimming pool." "Swimming Pool!" "You were in the swimming pool?" "Today?" "We'll stick him in court number three!" "Everything's normal, business as usual." "JULIE:" "Oh, there's another one turned up." "Yeah, it's a mystery to me Julie how it got out." "We've obviously got a leak, have all staff report for fresh security clearance first thing in the morning please." "Right, so what do we do now?" "Well, there's only one thing to do Julie, we'll have a press conference, that'll knock it on the head!" "At 10.28 this morning, a minor incident occurred here at" "Whitbury Newtown Leisure Center." "Our staff fully qualified in such minor incidents, took appropriate steps to deal with the minor incident." "Why is the pool closed?" "Why have you cordoned off areas of the building and why have you lost an entire swim class since this morning?" "And why do you people in the media always focus on the negative side of things." "When so much of what happens in this leisure centre is a success story." "Last year 600 people visited this centre and nearly 500 returned home without any loss of life or serious injury." "Right end of conference please... right out you go!" "I can't get in Angie, they said it's closed 'til further notice." "Yeah, something very fishy going on here..." "Yeah ok, keep me posted" "Right, I think this is a job for Brian Watkins," "Whitbury Area Health Authority!" "if it does the trick..." "OK let's fire her up!" "Thank God for the Japanese!" "Right, I'll start with a camera piece outside the centre." "Oh no... spots!" "Blimey!" "Sorry we are closed today." "Oh Whitbury Hospital?" "You must be Doctor Simpson." "Er... yes, yes, that's me." "Well you've not come a moment too soon, bit of a crisis going on here." "Really?" "You have got the serum haven't you?" "Serum, yes..." "It's in the car." "I'll have a look round first." "Feel free, the bulk of the casualties are down that corridor there." "Casualties... right!" "By the way, I'd prefer it if you didn't say anything to the media just at the moment please." "Mum's the word!" "Business as usual, everything's normal." "If you need anything, give me a shout." "No, no..." "I'll er..." "I'll be fine." "Carole, try and use your arms a bit more, you're looking terribly wooden." "Hello Roger, I've found you now, found where you live, where you work, where you park your car." "Before you turn on the engine, take a quick look on the back seat, I've found you a present." "Does Colin know you've got this?" "Oh, he's got another sixteen of them Julie." "Julie, while I think about it, this afternoon's looking a touch congested, better postpone that Roger Ferguson." "Roger Ferguson the reporter he's coming here?" "He's coming to the centre to do a documentary my darling." "Well it's a bit late now he'll be on his way." "You can't let him in here, he's a muck raker, he'll tear this place apart." "My darling, what is there to tear apart?" "This place is a jewel in the crown of our nation's sports and fitness heritage." "No, I met him on my therapy week, he goes round impersonating people he's even got a secret camera hidden in his briefcase." "Whoa... well that's a different matter." "Using false ID to enter centre premises is a serious breach of the regulations." "Carole, get Gavin, Tim and Linda to be on the lookout for someone with a false ID, carrying a briefcase" " Fortyish" " Fortyish" " Brown hair." " Brown hair." " Calvin Klein underpants" " Calvin Klein underpants" "Come in, we've been waiting for you." "Hey!" "I'm a doctor." "Get his briefcase." "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "There's no camera in there." "Right, strip him!" "Help!" "For the last time my name is Geoffrey Simpson, Senior" "Consultant at Whitbury Hospital viral diseases unit." "What more do you want?" "You've got my ID card, my driving license, my video club card..." "Don't push it sunshine!" "So far you've been caught trespassing, using our car park without a prepay ticket and falsifying identity documents." "I could have you banned from this leisure centre for the rest of your living days." "Leave me alone." "Shut up!" "British Home Stores Mr Brittas." "Just wait until I let my lawyers loose on this." "Gordon, what on earth is going on in here?" "My darling we have found your reporter friend, trying to pass himself off as a doctor." "Oh, that's not him!" "Linda off you get, off you get!" "Sorry about that Doctor Simpson." "We upped security a bit this morning." "Had a couple of bum bags go missing." "Right." "We've got enough serum for about forty it's fast acting a mixture of morphine, opium and trimoxyl and that should keep the fever down, but before they'll have a high and experience delirium for about six hours." "Ooh..." "I think I'm coming down with it too Gordon." "Any overflow, I'll arrange ambulance transfer to" "Whitbury Hospital." "Well at least we've located the source of the outbreak," "I'm afraid we had a touch of rodent infestation." "No, no, no... it didn't start here." "The Foreign Office have been trying to trace eight people in the Whitbury area who stayed at the Peanut Hotel in Lagos over the last two weeks." "They've all got the disease and one of them must have used your pool." "Hang on a minute Mr Brittas, if this is the real Doctor Simpson, who's the other chap roaming the centre at the moment?" "Roger Ferguson!" "The journalist..." "Crusader Television." "He's one of the eight we're looking for." "He was filming in" "Lagos last week, flew back on Tuesday night." "Yes, I remember now, he said he was going to Nigeria." "I remember seeing his hepatitis jab on his backside..." "His back!" "Yesterday!" "What?" "Could it be that bulgy guy with a bathing cap, the one who kept asking all those questions?" "If he used the pool he would be the one who introduced the disease." "Then what are we waiting for?" "Oh no you don't he's all mine!" "Oh my darling, I'm glad you feel as strongly about trespassers as" "I do, but I'm afraid this is a job for..." "Helen?" "JULIE:" "I see you got over him then." "Oh yes, Julie." "Time's a great healer." "I've got it Mr Brittas." " What?" " The hidden camera tape." "I'll throw it in the incinerator." "No Gavin." "We're gonna have a staff viewing." "I think it will be very educational for us see the centre through someone else's eyes for a change." "Come on!" "Right!" "Away we go." "On the outside this looks like an ordinary modern sports complex, that can be found in any town across the country, but on the inside, it's quite a different story." "This week on the Ferguson File, we go under cover at..." "Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre." "Well I'm in the centre now posing as a health and safety inspector." "Ah staff room, let's see who's in here." "Just one man..." "Hello." "Oh, get out!" "A member of staff there clearly showing signs of mental stress or even derangement." "Ah yes... coming to the squash courts now." "Very strange noises coming from somewhere." "My God!" "People clearly being detained here against their own free will." "They're all affected by some appalling disease." "There's no doubt about the Ferguson file has hit on something major here." "People clambering to be let free." "Much as I'd like to help them." "I'll have to carry on and finish this report in the best interests of the general public." "This is great" "Out of order." "Obviously something to hide in here." "Everything seems to be normal." "Apart from fruit and veg..." "not very hygienic oh well," "1990's, public toilet and the place is infested with rats." "And this place is open to the public it's a national scandal." "Ah, come to some sort of storeroom now, after what I've seen this place will probably" " leave a lot to be desired." " SCREAMING." "I've only been five minutes inside Whitbury Newtown Leisure" "Centre, and I've witnessed severe infestation, a major outbreak of a major disease, fires raging..." "Is there anything else that can possibly happen now?" "What the?" "This is Roger Ferguson," "Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre, unbelievably still alive." "Alright, so he caught us on an off day!"