"Tina, say, why don't you grab a cupcake from the refrigerator?" "Cupcake?" "What's a cupcake?" "He's excited about something." "Play along, and get it over with." "Like role playing!" "I'll be a sexy librarian hitchhiker itching' for a cupcake." "Please." "You're going to feel bad if you eat too much." " Nailed it!" " Homerun city!" "It's actually a sheep magnet." " We call it..." " The glutton mutton!" "I'd better go, cousin." "The sun is up!" "It should be safe for me to walk home without being racially profiled." "Sweet baby Lucifer Jones, these are good!" "Not to pee in the chewios or anything, but what the hey now do fat magnets have to do with the drill?" "Gold-star question, Pazuzu." "This is a division-wide contest." "The winner gets placed on a special-ideas team that meets with Killbride every Wednesday for year." "I'll tell you what's good..." "These chewios." "I can't put my finger on the exact flavor profile." "Asparagus?" "That's it!" "Asparagus!" "Oh, dear." "I ate the goblin's urine again, didn't I?" "Hey, Balthazor... nice pants..." "If it were 1983." "Pazow!" "Sorry." "I just don't care for put-down humor." "Maybe that's because you're low on the "pecking" order." "Okay, staff." "Let's get to pitching all your diet items." "Turkey, you and Hellman... go!" "Presenting..." "The glutton mutton!" "You're going to feel "wooly" bad if you "bleat" too much!" "Well, that's fantastic..." "If your demographic is a bunch of chunky shepherds!" "Larry... go!" "Please welcome..." "Robert, the insult weight-loss robot." "Someone better call the coastal cleanup crew." "Looks like we've got a..." "beep beep... beached whale!" "Why aren't you laughing, Hellman?" "It's like Shecky Green had a baby with an Oldsmobile." " I don't like put-downs." " I can tell, fatty." "Lord knows you never put down that fork." "Larry wins." "Meeting over." "No fair!" "You don't even know if he works!" "Good point, Hellman." "Take him home." "Be our Guinea pig, you fat pig." "You think I'm fat?" "Only in the face, neck, stomach, and ass." "Geez." "What a wake-up call." "Here's another one." "What's fat and green and "red" all over?" "Balthazor with a newspaper." "Neighborhood alert!" "There's been a robbery!" "Don't fret none." "Emergency neighborhood-watch meeting tonight to elect a new commander." "Whoever becomes commander also gets put on the board of Petromundo." "Wait." "Back up." "On the board of Petromundo where I work?" "That would mean unparalleled access to the boss." "You got that right, girl!" "And once you're on the board, you can vote on things..." "The black and red marbles!" "Black and red marbles?" "That's it!" "I'm running for neighborhood-watch commander!" "It's the first time he's running where he's not chasing down the taco truck." "You're fat!" "Simmer down, you jackals." "We all know this is the first time there's been a robbery in Hillsdale Meadows." "We're all gonna die!" "Could I get a ride from someone?" "That was my limo driver." "Anyway, we're scared." "But scary times call for strong leadership." "We'll catch that pecker." "And when we do, we'll rip off his limbs and feed him to our cats!" " Yes!" "Get him!" " Get him!" "Yeah!" "Now, without further ado, let's get to the candidates' speeches." "Then we'll vote." "Then cake." "Hellman, drop it as if it's hot." "Thank you, and good evening, neighbors." "Safety..." " It's not just for pins and belts." " Where you buy your belts, fatty?" "From the constellation Orion?" "Robert!" "Please!" "Please pass the gravy?" "I think we have our winner." "Really?" "Robert, the insult weight-loss robot," "I pronounce you..." "Commander of the neighborhood watch!" "This is great." "We'll all work for robots someday." "We might as well practice for it." "I win!" "Not you!" "Neener neener!" "Pumpkin eater!" "And French fry eater." "And bacon eater." "Okay, I get it!" "I eat everything." "Geez." "Where you been?" "And why do you have icing in your hair?" "I was just working a bake sale..." "to raise money for... for neighborhood watch and... singing orphans." "Do you mind?" "Balthy, why is there a robot in our bed?" "Robert, the insult weight-loss robot, our new neighborhood-watch commander." "He's shadowing me for work." "It's not too hard to stay in his shadow." "It covers most of the state." "Time for tinkles." "I like your new friend!" "What a gas!" "Apologies!" "I don't want Robert to be here any more than you do, but he's my ticket to the Petromundo board, where I can vote on important things..." "With marbles!" "You might want to give that bathroom a minute." "I just got a great idea." " Pizza you can drink?" " Good one, Robert!" "I can't feel my arms!" "I love laughing!" "My gums are so dry." "So, here's my fun idea." "What if you put me on your watch team with Killbride?" "Unacceptable." "You know the rules." "Only two people to a watch team, and Killbride demands rounds with the commander... me." "You said "two people." You, me, and Killbride!" "That's still two people!" "As a robot, that is logic I cannot argue with." "You win." "I cave." "Now, scootch." "I have a fun idea, too." "Let's take the toaster apart." "And lose interest before we put it back together!" "See you in the morning, Robert." "Yeah, Robert?" "Sometimes, in the middle of the night, do you hear screams?" "Me neither." "Hold me." "There were more robberies last night!" "When is someone going to burn for this?" "Let's burn somebody and feed them to a cat!" "Easy, easy, citizens of Hillsdale Meadows, a Petromundo planned community." "All your questions will be answered by the robot." "Thank you, Don." "Thank you, everyone." "In the past 24 hours, the following has been stolen... 14 dozen cupcakes." "6 assorted fruit pies." "A bundt cake..." "And some fries." "It's poor people!" "Poor people are robbing us!" "That does seem to be the case!" "We will find the burglars, and we will burn them!" "Burn them!" "Yeah!" "Wait!" "Bup bup bup!" "You can't just burn people." "What about due process?" "That's right." "You do process a lot of calories..." "Fatty." "All right, Robert." "Enough dingle-wingle." "Hand out the watch team assignments." "Our 1st team of two..." "Robert's gonna put me on rounds with Killbride, and then I'll get on the board and vote with marbles." "How do you know for sure?" "Because I slept with him." "That's cool!" "I experimented myself at goblin u." "Our third team of two is Killbride and me and..." "Come on, Robert." " ..." "Larry." " Pickapickow!" "Feel my glutes!" "I'm so ripped!" "Robert!" "What the hell?" "Come on!" "We had a deal!" "I forgot." "My bad." "When I take a liquid sleep aid, I sometimes black out." "You see, I need to quiet the nighttime screams." "The screams." " We caught a perp!" " Mob formation, everyone!" " Kill him!" " Burn outsider!" "There he is!" " Please!" " Shut your claptrap, perp!" "I'm your neighbor!" "I am Chevdet Tevetoglu!" "Pshaw!" "Does anyone know this minority criminal?" "I know him!" "This is Chevdet!" "And this is his house!" "What is wrong with you?" "You're gonna get it," "South of the border criminal mastermind!" "I'm gonna beat you with a stick, human-piñata style!" " Kill him!" " Burn him!" "We will place him in custody and then try him according to our neighborhood charter." "And then burn him." "I know!" "We can hold him at little gitmo, which is in my backyard." "Right near my maple pergola." "And then burn him!" "Time to die!" "You have to do something!" "Chevdet isn't a criminal!" "He was in his house!" "This is so wrong!" "You know what's wrong?" "Your hip-to-waist ratio." "You're fat." "Come on, fatty!" "Let's take a few laps around the block" " and work off those fat knees of yours." " Come on." "Stop." "I really have to tinkle." "As soon as you're done, we're doing wind sprints." "Tina's the neighborhood burglar?" "I got wizzle all over my khakis." "We need to talk." "Robert, would you mind giving us a little privacy?" "Listen, Tina." "I can't speak openly here, so..." "Your secret notes are making me feel super left out, and not cool about things." "Honey, it's not right to make the houseguest feel uncomfortable." "Good night!" "Come." "Let's study maps so we can attack Mexico." "I think you're getting too crazy with this neighborhood-watch stuff." ""Attack Mexico"?" "What's next?" "Tanks on main street?" "Tanks." "Tanks." "All right." "It just got weird." "I'm gonna go up to bed." "Hey, what's this?" "It's a post-it stuck on my fruit boots." "It says, "I know who did the burglaries."" "I mean, "bark."" "Hand that post-it over." "If you know who is doing these crimes, you must tell." "No way, Jose!" "Then as commander, I sentence you to jail." "Come on!" "Swing low" "Sweet chariot" "Coming for to carry Chevdet home" "Why are you in jail?" "Because of robots..." "And post-its." "Chevdet, can I get a little privacy?" "Sure, son." "I know it's you..." "Stealing." "Why are you doing this?" "It's not me!" "It's them!" "At first, I thought I was in control." "And then I quickly learned that was a charade." "They make me do bad things." "Who?" "No, thanks." "We're in the middle of something important." "It's the cupcakes that are making me do this!" "Then stop eating them." "I can't!" "They're so sweet!" "Every one I eat makes me want more and more and more..." "Then here's my credit card." "Go and buy more." "Why are you stealing them?" "Why did Winona Ryder steal?" "The thrill." "Then I'll buy some, I'll bury 'em in the yard and you can look for 'em." "I'm sorry, Balthazor." "I'll always love you." "You taste delicious." " Chevdet, I have to get out of here." " But Marjoe said it's impossible!" "I think we can get over this." "I think you might be right!" "You're under arrest, Tina Hellman..." "A.K.A. The Hillsdale Meadows marauder!" "Yes, Robert, you caught me." "I may have stolen everyone's sweet treats, but I'm not the real criminal in this neighborhood!" "There's the real criminal!" "Come on." "Nobody really pays for music anymore, do they?" "Not you." "Him!" "She's crazy." "Pickapikow." "You want to know why you're afraid of the dark and you have night terrors?" "Because you are a repurposed killing machine." ""Robert" is not even your name, Robert." "It's WKRPC3PO!" "What's happening to my body?" "Man, Robert!" "My Camry's in there!" "I like this new robot." "He reminds me of my penis..." "Strong, explosive, and doesn't like fat people." "Although there was this one time" "I got stuck in an elevator with Kirstie Alley and a fifth of Old Granddad." "What's happening to me?" "I'll tell you what's happening to you." "Larry found you in a military dumpster!" "He never bothered to reprogram your true self." "He just stuck Windows 7 in there." "Windows 7, boy?" "Even Bill Gates knows anything run on Windows tanks." "Tanks." "Tanks." "WKRPC3PO!" "It's me, Lisa!" "Your fiancée!" "No matter what happens, I'll still love you." "Citizens of Hillsdale Meadows," "I know who's been robbing your homes, and so does Balthazor Hellman!" "The Hillsdale Meadows marauder is I, robot!" " Kill him!" " Have sex with his skull!" "People, people!" "Somehow, our fear has made us lose our humanity." "Neighborhoods should be about looking after each other..." "And block parties..." "Borrowing yard equipment and returning it in a timely manner." "I say it's not too late, neighbors, to reclaim the glory that we once..." "That robot done shot himself!" "You big lug." "Why did you do that?" "I'm a killing machine..." "And I cannot live with that." "I killed the only thing I ever loved..." "And now I'll die happy..." "Knowing I saved the one thing you love, and I'm not talking about a McNugget." "Now that I'm dying..." "I want you to be neighborhood-watch commander." "Thank you." "Could you do one thing for me before I move on to that big Circuit City in the sky?" "Anything." "Kiss me on the lips." "Wait, what?" "Please." "It's my dying request." "Really?" "Just once, on the lips." "Softly." "Homo." "I finally get it!" "I get put-down humor!" "What the ****?" "So, hon bun bear." "How did it go in the board meeting?" "They brought up the vote to cancel the drill, and I couldn't participate." "I lost my marbles." "Were your marbles by chance..." "black and red?" "I thought they were unstrung Ben WA balls." "Here, you can have them..." "back." "Behold!" "It is I..." "Satan!" "What about the drill?" "I'm on the board of Petromundo, and today we voted on ending the drill, but Vlaartark thought my marbles were Ben WA balls which, if you're unfamiliar, are a..." " pleasurable..." " I know what Ben WA balls are, you silly hooker!" "Who do you think invented them?" "Necromuncula, that's who." "He's a nasty little bitch." "And that's why daddy loves him." "Tick tick tock, it is not party o'clock!" "We're running out of time!" "So you need to kill that drill!" "Arsenio dog pound." "Satan out." " I think that went pretty well." " Who wants a cupcake?" "You have cupcakes?" "Just kidding." "It's carrot sticks!" "Pazuzu, you rascal." "You got me!" "I did." "I got her!" "And good this time!" "Question..." "What are Ben WA balls?" "Come here, you!"