"Is that olive loaf?" "I want olive loaf." "It's not officially olive loaf, but I smooshed together some olives and some meat." "You'll like it." "Hope's getting new baby clothes." "That guy who sells socks out of his trunk in the drug store parking lot has fabric now." "Virginia, would you give her her pill today?" "No." "It's an even-numbered day." "It's your turn." "Just shove it in her mouth." "She bites me." "I still have my mark from two days ago." "Figure it out." "Why do you have to make this so difficult?" "Don't have a lot of other things going on." "Sabrina:" "Check it out." ""Yo, my parents named me Frank, 'cause they love to shake me."" "Let me do the lady." "(As elderly lady): "I'll take a quarter pound of the chicken salad."" "But that's what she would probably say." "I know." "That's why I said it." "Yeah..." "You don't get what we're doing, do you?" "Barney (As Jimmy Stewart):" "Could an available sales associate bring a nose hair clipper to the manager's office for a price check?" "I repeat... could an available sales associate... (Knocking) Oh, good, you heard me." "What's with the funny voice?" "It's Jimmy Stewart." "I had to disguise my voice because my ex-wife is in the store." " Jimmy:" "What's she doing here?" " I don't know." "Last time I saw her she was living in Phoenix with her new husband." "But between them closing the blinds and me having to stay 100 yards away from her, it wasn't worth flying there anymore." "Wait, is that Barney Jr.?" "No, that's Trevor." "He's her son with Doug." "The man she left the man she left me for." "Any strays?" "Let me take a shot." "But I'm going to leave a couple." "You don't want her to think you care too much." "I need to look my best." "Gloria hasn't seen me since my gastric bypass." "I was skinny when we got married, but then I put on 200 pounds." "Got 'em." "Aw, Jimmy!" "(Snoring)" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey, release!" "Release!" "Release." "That's puzzling." "Thursday's bite had more marks." "Did you lose a tooth?" "Yeah." "Last night." "I got into a bit of a tussle with a piece of Taffy and I swallowed my back right molar." " The gold one?" " Yep." "So, uh, what are you going to do about that?" "About what?" "The tooth." "It's got to be worth a few hundred dollars." "You gonna, uh, go after it?" "Oh, God, you're disgusting." "You want me to go through my poo?" "It's worth hundreds of dollars." "Yeah, well, I'm 85 years old." "I'm not going to go through my poo to find a stupid tooth." "It's gone." "Mind if I go through it?" "Yeah, I mind." "Stay the hell out of my poo." "It might not even be the gold one." "Let me look again." "Oh!" "(Swallows)" "We do have fun, don't we, Burt?" ""Barney, you look great." "And I'm so glad to see you got rid of that second head."" "Jimmy: "I'm Barney saying something funny."" ""Look at me, I'm shaking hands with a boy." ""I sure am." "Shaking hands with a boy?"" "Sabrina, can you take Trevor to the break room to get him an official work shirt?" "This young buck's joining the Howdy's team." "Well, welcome to Howdy's." "And just remember, if you're honest and you work hard, you'll be mocked and ridiculed by all the other employees." "Gloria's divorced and thinking about moving back to town." "She wants to spend a little time together." "I need you guys to keep Trevor occupied." "I'm just worried he might be a little bit of a hmm-hmm blocker." "Virginia:" "Hey, check us out." "I bought way too much fabric." "We're twins." "Adorable." "Question... if Maw Maw swallowed a gold tooth worth a couple hundred bucks and doesn't retrieve it, potentially that makes it a finders-keepers situation, right?" "Oh, my God." "You're disgusting." " Why?" " We are not those people." "What people?" "Poo going through people." "People so desperate they go through poo for a couple hundred dollars." "It's disgusting." "Well, so are all those rich jerk clients you talk about." "Always flushing money down the drain." "We would literally be flushing money down the drain." "Burt, I will steal coins from a fountain," "I'll even do clinical drug trials again, as long as I'm not the placebo..." "I don't like feeling tricked, but there is no amount of gold that's worth rummaging through that lady's butt custard." "Oh, check it out." ""I like to stick my nose in this chicken's butt 'cause it really relaxes me."" ""I have to be careful." "I can't sniff too hard" ""or I'll suck this chicken right in my gigantic nose." ""I did that once with a cornish game hen." "I think it's still up there."" "You're pretty good at this." "What are you, like, 32, 33...?" " 34." " 34." "(Chuckles)" "Hey, what's so funny?" "Oh, we're just doing that thing that you stink at where we make up what people are saying." "He made a pretty good joke about your big nose." "My nose is normal sized." "I'm sorry, what?" "I couldn't hear you over your nose." "Ooh." "Yeah, that... that joke's a stinker even I could smell with my normal size nose." "(Laughing)" "Lean to the left, then lean to the right." "Oh, hey, Jimmy." "Trevor's teaching me how to Dougie." "You should try it." "It's pretty easy." "But don't lean too far to the side, 'cause your nose might tip you over." "You know, like a construction crane." "Construction crane." "You're hilarious." "He is, right?" "This nose stuff is good." "That young man has tapped into a very rich area for comedy." "Hey, listen, we need to chat for a minute, just bro to bro." "I-I think you're funny, but I need you to back off a smidge with the nose insults, okay?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I didn't know you were sensitive about it." "You've got a big nose, I've got big ears." "It's no big deal." "Where I grew up, guys make fun of each other about that kind of stuff." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, no." "Yeah, of course." "It's only a thing because you're doing it in front of Sabrina." "And I, you know, I kind of like her." "Oh." "Mm-hmm, yeah." "So..." "Well, we have a bigger problem then." " I kind of like her, too." " You're 13." "So?" "You have a big nose." "We all have our faults." "I guess we'll just have to see which one she's willing to overlook." "Plus, I'm funny, and I can do the Dougie." "What up now, son?" "Whoo-whoo." "Whoa, somebody's been to the beauty saloon." "Gloria thought it made me look like Matthew McConaughey." "(Imitating McConaughey):" "All right, all right, all right." "It's not as good as your Jimmy Stewart," " but you keep working at it." " Yeah, well, I got to get going." "Gloria doesn't like me to dillydally, when I'm supposed to be dallying her dilly." "If you know what I mean." "I think I do, but I wish I didn't." "Hey look, Jimmy's nose is here." "The rest of him should be coming along any minute." "Well, at least I don't have big ears, Dumbo." "You going to fly away with those big ears, big ears?" "Plus, my parents aren't divorced." "What up now, son?" "Whoo-whoo." "My God, Jimmy?" "!" "Jimmy, he's just a kid." "No, it's fine." "A lot of people tease me about my big ears and my parents' divorce." "I just... need to get stronger." "Hey, hey, hey, it's okay." "It's okay." "(Clicking and beeping)" "What are you doing?" "Just making sure the tooth's still in there." "What?" "I started thinking about the hot tub." "How we found it 20 years ago, and we've never had the money to buy a pump for it." "Every time we had any cash, some expense would come up and we couldn't buy a luxury item." "Anyway, I was thinking, if we got that tooth and sold it, we could finally fix the hot tub." "And then we could sit out here under the stars, you and me together." "Just like we always dreamed of." "So you changed your mind." "Well, when I think of it as money, it feels wrong." "But if Maw Maw swallowed nights under the stars that I could enjoy with you" "I would go through her yucky-yuck to get it." "You would?" "But if we're really going to do this, we can never tell a soul." "No one can know that we really are poo going through people." "Let me ask you a question." "You're not one of those kids who take judo or karate or anything like that, right?" "No." "Good. 'Cause if you keep making fun of me, and, yes, I'm saying this to a 13-year-old," "I'm going to have to kick your ass." "You lay one finger on me, and I tell Sabrina you love her, and that you wait outside the bathroom door and listen to her pee." " I don't do that." " It'll be your word against mine." "And nobody's going to believe a guy that beat up a 13-year-old." "Okay, fine, I won't beat you up." "Just don't tell Sabrina that I like her." "God, man, why can't you just get a girl your own age?" "I'm new in town." "I only know Sabrina." "We can fix that." "If I can find you a girl your own age, would you stop making fun of me?" "If I stop making fun of you, who am I going to make fun of?" "All right, that makes 1,274 to 1,346." "Left hand's making a comeback." "I can work with that." "Hey." "How about her?" "Nice." "Mid to late puberty, hormones going wild, that's all me." "Go over and find out if she thinks I'm cute." "Why me?" "If I do it it's weird." "Not as weird as you listening to Sabrina pee." " Sabrina..." " Okay, okay, okay." "God." "I'll go." "Uh, hi." "I'm sorry to bug you." "I have a friend who thinks you're real cute." "He's a great kid, new in town." "If you go out with him, I'd be thrilled." "I could drive you guys on a date." "Do you like movies?" "I could take you to the movies or out to the lake." "I have a great van." "What the hell's going on here?" "Oh, no, no, no, no, no." "Hey, no." "Nothing bad." "Wow." "I'm not talking to your little girl for me" "I'm talking to her for my friend, the bag boy over there." " What?" "!" " Oh, no, I didn't mean... (Groans weakly)" "(Thudding)" "Judy..." "We have to find that girl." "I think I'm in love." "Spatula, colander, rubber gloves, bleach..." "You're gonna be sifting through excrement, aren't you?" "I beg your pardon!" "I have no idea what you're talking about, and I resent the "implination"!" "I got some menthol rub to put under our noses, so we won't have to smell the poo." "Oh, man!" "We got medium gloves." "I hope you don't rip 'em." "How would I rip them, as you will be the wearer of them." "As you will be the doer, doing the deed." "Why should I do the deed?" "You're blood-related." "It's almost like going through your own." "That's stupid." "(Sighs)" "Okay." "Flip a coin." " Call it in the air." " Heads." "Nope." "You lose." "I'm still not doing it." "It's tails!" "You have to!" "No, I don't." "Why did you suggest a coin toss?" "Because I had a 50-50 chance of winning..." "I took a shot." "Unfair." "Unfair!" "Unfair!" "Fine." "Flip it again." " Heads." " Tails." "Here's the gloves." "No, not doing it." "Stop doing that!" "Okay, fine, I'll do it." "(Doorbell rings)" "I couldn't stop thinking about the fact you bought a spatula." "I think you're gonna want a slotted spoon." "So how come you're not in school?" "How come you're a dropout who works in a grocery store and can't get a girlfriend?" "I was just trying to make conversation, man." "Trevor:" "There you are." "You can run but you can't hide." "Hey..." "Remember me from the store?" "I'm Trevor." "Yeah!" "Hi!" "I'm Judy." "Wanna hang out, maybe watch movies at my friend's house?" "He says he has a VHS player." "Whatever that is." "I would but..." "My dad's super-strict." "He keeps tabs on me with the GPS on my phone." "And I have to be at practice for the next two hours." "You know I once caught a fish... this big?" "I cannot believe how sore I am from one day of running." "You need to stop acting like a 13-year-old girl and just tell Sabrina you like her." "Will you shut up, mom?" "I told you I'll tell her when I'm ready!" "(Gentle grunt)" "(Singsongy):" "Somebody got their period." "If I tell Sabrina too soon, it'll mess up my plan." "Trust me..." "I've been watching her." "Things with Sabrina and Wyatt are always best when he's away at school and they don't see each other much." "Oh, look..." "Wyatt sent me a kiss with a video text." "(Smacking)" "But when they're in the same city, they start to fight." "But I like it with a little hair." " Well, I don't." " But I do." "I don't care!" "I'm getting my chest waxed!" "Christmas break, he'll be here for a whole month." "Week three, I make my move." "Burt:" "Sounds like a solid plan." "I apologize for the "period" comment." "Thank you." "And for now, I just have to deal with Trevor." "Just be careful..." "Blackmail never ends." "Remember that woman I caught cheating on her husband?" "That's why we never have to pay tolls on I-80." "That's a woman?" "!" "(Shudders):" "Ooh." "Eh, just have to do it until Christmas." "Besides, I could use a little exercise." "You!" "You!" "What are you doing?" " Why are you chasing these girls?" " Uh..." "Is that my daughter's phone?" "Uh..." "Where the hell is my daughter?" "(Dance music playing)" "You're lucky I didn't kill ya!" "Ya big-nose pervert!" "It's not that big, man." "Dude, did you not see the sock on the front door?" " Judy..." " Daddy!" "I doubt..." "I doubt very much you will be seeing young Judy again." "Fine." "I was sick of her, anyway." "Find me a new one." "And this time, I want one with a little more junk in the trunk." "An Asian... blonde." "A blonde Asian with junk in her trunk." "Find her." "What's with all the ruckus?" "I have to tell Sabrina that I love her." "How about this:" "Sabrina, all the time we've spent at the express check-out Lane," "I've been checking you out, but I've never expressed how I feel." "I think it should rhyme." "Chicks dig rhymes." "That's true." "What are you gonna wear?" "You should go shirtless." "With maybe a necklace or a hat." "Something to take her eyes off your slight belly." "How about I put on a shirt?" "That'll work." "And make sure you have a toothpick sticking out of your mouth." "It says you have good hygiene." "Whatever you say, make sure it has some flair." "You are a special boy." "And she needs to know that you're special." "Maybe start with that." "I am a special boy, and you should know that I am special?" "I like it." "You know what?" "I think I'm gonna write her a letter instead." "Where is my word jumble?" "She's close." "It's showtime, honey." "Stop!" "I can't let my wife do this." "Plus, I don't want to sit in a hot tub with a woman who's sifted through poo." "Stop!" "I can't let you do it, either." "Burt... you know what this means?" "We're not those people." "Oh, my God!" "We're not those people!" "We're not those people!" "(Toilet flushing)" "Please don't tell Gloria." "It'll just be one more thing she has to fix about me." "It's so much pressure!" "I have to change my hair for her, and wear these weird "metal-y" eagle-wing shirts." "This is just like when we were married." "Barney, you gotta be yourself, and have somebody love you for the toy-collecting, normal shirt wearing, flat-haired store manager that you are." "Somebody's going to." "'Cause that store manager's great." "You got a little something... right here." "Jimmy:" "There comes a day in every man's life when he has to stand face-to-face with the woman he loves and tell her how he feels." "I'm not that man." "I chose to slip a note in her locker." "You know what?" "I'm proud of you." "It must really feel great." "What must feel great?" "I broke if off with Gloria." "She was no good for me." "She went back home." "So Trevor's gone, too?" "There also comes a point in every man's life when he has to run like a little girl to retrieve a love note from a locker." "Luckily, I've been on a little girl's track team for the last two weeks." "Come on... come on... (Grunting)" "Aah!" "(Whimpering)" "(Gasps)" "Sometimes in life, you gotta bite the bullet and let the chips fall where they may." "And if you're lucky, things might turn out good." "I could see how my words were touching Sabrina, and could feel all my hopes coming true." "Hey, Jimmy..." "Yes?" "This is the sweetest love letter from Trevor." "Trevor?" "Yeah, well, I mean, it had to be him." "His spelling is terrible." "He spelled "captivating" with a "K."" "He rhymed "heart" with "Paul Blart."" "Paul Blart had a humble courage." "It's so cute that he had a crush." "He wrote a lot of sweet things." "When Trevor gets older, and he works on his spelling, he's gonna be irresistible to women." "Luckily, I didn't have to tell Sabrina how I felt before I was ready." "(Sighs)" "But pretty soon, I'm gonna have to, so I needed to start practicing." "You're dating a guy named Wyatt..." "Did you ever stop to think "why it?"" "Seems like you guys always argue..." "And now I'm just stuck on a rhyme for "argue."" "Bargue, sargue, fargue..." " Burt:" "Largue..." " Largue... feel like I've heard that."