"For Dallas Royce, spring cleaning meant out with the old and in with the new crystal Joy Behar she'd commissioned." "You know what, Joy Behar?" "You give me strength." "You truly do." "Am I nervous about the store opening?" "You do ask the tough questions, Joy Behar." "Yes." "Yes, quite frankly, I am." "I've never tackled anything like this on my own." "And unlike you, I don't have a multicultural cross-generational female support system." "Although once upon a pledge week, I did experience such a sisterhood." "Oh, my gosh, girl." "That's a great idea." "I should invite my sorority sisters out for the store opening." "I suppose you're right." "They could stay with us." "We've got plenty of room now." "Slow down, Yakult." "Let me get a head count before we worry about the catering." "You know, maybe I should crack a window in here." "Sorry, Tess!" "Sorry!" "I was buying groceries and I forgot my wallet." "I had to run all the way home." "What was the point of me getting my license if I never get to drive?" "You drive on the weekends." "There's nothing wrong with walking." "It builds character." "And calf muscles." "Well, mine are already the size of soup cans." "See?" "So why couldn't I walk home tonight?" "Because it's dark out." "You think it's safer for me to sit alone outside a dark, empty building?" "You need to loosen your grip, George." "In some countries, I'm old enough to marry." "In some countries I could trade you for rice." " Hi, darling." "How was your day?" " Anything from Daddy?" "Over there." "A motorcycle jacket?" "You guys got divorced." "He's gonna have to do better than a motorcycle jacket." "There's a motorcycle in the garage that goes with it." "Oh." " Now I feel better." " Speaking of feeling better we're about to have a house full of guests." "My sorority sisters are coming for the opening." "We're gonna sack out here right in the living room like a bunch of teenagers." "Just six sorority dream-sacks, Carmen." "One of my girls won't be able to make it." "I didn't invite her." "On account of the fact that she's a big bitch." " Who's a big old bitch, Mom?" " You don't know her, but you know her." "She's a backstabbing, boyfriend-grabbing, style-jacking bubblegum-smacking, husband-having, heart attacking..." " What?" " Her husband had a heart attack." "Oh." "Tessa!" "Dinner!" "Mad respect, mother bird." "When your baby left the nest you didn't show up outside her school in your Prius." "You knew that it was time for her to find her own worm." "Hey, what are you doing?" "Finding my own worm." "I don't want you making dinner for me." "I'm not a kid." "I can take care of myself." " Is this because I picked you up late?" " In the city, I got around by myself." "There were buses and subways." "Well, in Chatswin we have to rely on each other a little more." " I think it's nice." " Well, I don't think it's nice." "I want my own car so I can be independent." "Well, independent people pay for their own things." " Why don't you save up and buy wheels?" " Fine, I will." " Get a job." " I will." "And clean your dish." "I was going to." "Good, there you go." " There you go." " You gonna dry it?" "That is what the rack is for, you dictator!" "A dictator would not use American." "You're not a dictator." "You just force people to do what you say." "Look, let her make her own dinner." "Who cares?" "Everything's a fight." " Something going on at school?" " I mean, I don't know." "She doesn't seem to wanna talk to me about anything." "So talk to her teachers." "I don't know, George." "A teenage daughter who doesn't wanna deal with her dad?" "That's just part of growing up." "That's normal." "Hey, Jenna-girl!" "What?" "You just called to say you love Daddy?" "Well, heh, I love you too." "I am?" "Well, you're the greatest daughter in the whole world." "I'll talk to you in the morning." "Yeah, but that's not normal." "Honestly, I think she's drunk." "Suddenly it was all very clear to me." "I'd become lazy." "Spoiled." "Dad was right." "Asking him to get me a car was just another handout." "I wasn't a Chatswin girl." "I was a New Yorker." "And I could do it myself." "I had all the motivation I needed." "I said I had all the motivation I needed!" "Dallas?" "Oh, my gosh." "That keeps happening." "I've gotta watch my wingspan." "If I keep breaking things we won't open tomorrow." "I'm here because of your "help wanted" sign." "Do you like it?" "It's 2600 dollars." "But it's an investment piece and you'd have it forever." "Oh." "No." "I guess I misunderstood." "I thought you were hiring." "I am." "I haven't gotten around to putting up a sign." " Do you have a resume?" " No." "Any references?" " You." " Oh." "And in what way are you like a crystal?" "In no way." "Hold on." "Let me think." "Uh..." "We both have hard exteriors and inner light." " Not like a crystal." " Wait." "Look, I may not be all that much like a crystal but I need a job." "And I promise I will work really hard if you give me a chance." "I wanna be an independent, self-sufficient woman." "Like you." "And you do have to start somewhere." "Right, Joy Behar?" "That doesn't look like Joy Behar and there's a really strong chemical smell in here." "We agreed on better ventilation." "We agreed on a semi-formal store uniform which Dallas would provide." "And most importantly, we agreed on a generous hourly wage that meant I would be able to afford some kind of used car in the not-too-distant future." " What's this?" " Your advance." "Your signing bonus." "And a little extra for a moisture-rich mani." "Those hands are gonna be cradling delicate crystals on the regular." "Maybe I'd have some wheels even sooner than I thought now that I'd taken matters into my own hands." "Splurge on the paraffin treatment." "Get up all in those little cracks." "Thanks for seeing me on such short notice." "My door is always open." " Except when it's closed." " Understood." "When it's closed, I really do appreciate a knock first." " Okay." "Got it." " I mean, ha, ha..." "Who knows what could be going on in here?" "That certainly is none of my business." "I actually wanted to talk about my kid, not you." " Understood." "That's not uncommon." " I wanted to check in see how everything is going, socially, academically..." "Everything's great." "Why do you ask?" "Oh." " We're still talking about Tessa." " She just seems distant lately." "Prickly." "So you're worried something else may be going on?" "Drugs, hard drugs, sex, sex to pay for the drugs." "Secondary health concerns as a result of the two?" "No." "No, none of that." " I'm not worried about that." " Don't be." "I don't think that's it." "If anything comes up, just keep me in the loop." "I'll also lean on Malik for information." "If there's one thing everyone knows about him, it's that he's a snitch." "Uh, okay." "Well, thanks." " And George?" " Yeah?" "I'm glad to see you have your antennae up." "If there were anything going on with Tessa I'm pretty confident you wouldn't miss it." "Oh." "Well, thanks." "I appreciate you saying so." "Hey, what's this?" "Oh, that." "That's the soul-crushing poem Tessa wrote about the giant hole inside her caused by the absence of her mother." "That's not good." "I was trying to figure out a way to fly the coop, while Dallas was busy filling her empty nest with some chicks she hadn't seen in a while." "Uh, uh, uh, cheep-cheep!" "Okay!" "We've still got it, y'all!" "Ha, ha." "Your husband is gonna lose his mind with us making all this noise down here." "Well, actually..." "And when I found that great, big, giant pair of panties, I knew." " You said they were an MIL?" " An MIL!" "That's just not right." "A dog is always looking for a bone." "Testify, Teeny." "And I'll tell you something else." "I was not gonna grow old with some dog." " Getting bit up on by fleas." " Dallas, I would get so scared being all alone in this big old house." "Don't you?" "Maybe it hasn't hit me yet." "Or maybe I'm being extra strong for Dalia." "That's the same way I felt after my husband passed." "Hello, Dallas." "Room for an uninvited guest?" "I think I'll just help myself to one of these cake pops." "Hello, Tulsa." "Cheep, cheep." "Zebra?" "Why, I always pictured you more as a snake." "I don't wanna bicker." "My heart can't take the stress." "Grieving as I've been, Dallas I was surprised that you didn't reach out to me." "Well, maybe I was busy dealing with my own situation, Tulsa." "Still, being a divorcée isn't nearly as tragic as being widowed." " Wouldn't you girls agree?" " Yeah." "Ever since he's been gone, I've been so alone." "Didn't your husband die, like, five years ago?" "That's right." "This weekend marks the fifth anniversary of his death." "Which is why I was surprised that you chose to exclude me in such a hurtful manner." " Invitation must've got lost in the mail." " That's what I figured." "Which is why I decided to surprise you." "Surprise." "Where'd you get all that?" "Is it meth money?" " Is that why you're always so pale?" " Can you guys keep a secret?" " I can." " I got a job." "And an advance." "And between this and the money I had in the bank I have enough to buy an old scooter I found on Craigslist." "My mom says that scooters scramble your ovaries." "They don't." "But wouldn't you be safer in a car?" "Yeah, sure, if I had it like that." "I'm not Dalia Royce." "Look, kids like us have to work." "We're not just gonna get stuff handed to us." " My parents bought me a 328i." " I have 35,000 dollars in trust." "Oh." "Then it's just me." ""Girl turns 3 on a store bought cake." "Extinguished the candles but not the hate."" "Yeesh." "Heavy stuff." "Dark days, man." " Do you feel like Thai?" " No, I don't feel like Thai." "I might do a satay if you're gonna order." "Tessa is in pain, and I don't know how long she's been keeping it from me." "I tricked myself into thinking it was about the car, but it's clearly this." "Yeah." "You know what, why don't I just get the order in?" "I just think we'll both feel better with food on the way." "I really wanna hear about this." "Just give me a couple of seconds and I'm right with you." " What am I supposed to do now?" " A fat noodle?" "You like a fat noodle, George?" "Pork Ladna?" "That sound good?" "Hello." "What if she wants to see her?" "I can't believe we're in East Chatswin." "We are slumming it." "East Chatswin doesn't look like a slum to me." "There's a garden gnome." "Want a cig?" "Lisa, we don't smoke." " When in Rome, am I right?" " No." "Look, there it is." "Anyone can advertise on Craigslist, is that right?" "Any crazy person can post an ad, luring unsuspecting innocents into their lair?" " This doesn't look like a lair." " Good lairs never do." "On the outside, they look regular." "That's how a good lair lures you." " If it doesn't lure, it's not a lair." " Lisa, hold yourself together." "I'm gonna ring the bell now and buy myself a scooter." "Maybe there is no scooter." "Maybe there's some psychopath inside waiting to make a suit out of our skin." "Or a sundress." " Or a sundress." " Ad said contact Doug." "No psychopaths are named Doug." "Doug's not home." "I'm Lucien." "He asked me to take care of you." "Hello, Helen." "Thank you for meeting me." " You're looking well." " My goodness, look at all the wrinkles." "Well, yeah, that's what happens when you grow up." " Oh, here comes the high horse." " I didn't come here to fight." "No?" "What did you come here for?" "We have a couple of delicious soups today." "Uh, there's a country vegetable." "A tomato basil." " A hearty lentil..." " Could you give us a minute?" "We're in the middle of something." "I would do a tomato." "Okay." " So how is she?" " Your granddaughter?" " She's good." "Yeah." "She's great." " Sole physical custody, George." "Oh." "Quite a victory." "It was really something to see." "I'm the bad guy?" "Alex falls apart, I pick up the pieces and somehow I'm the bad guy?" "Aren't you even curious?" "Isn't she?" "Tell me how to reach her." "I have a right to know." "Her daughter has a right to know." "You made the decision, George." "Now you have to live with it." "Just like we did." "Right." "Know what?" "She's a great kid, Helen." "She's smart and she's funny and she's strong-willed." "She's really strong-willed." "And she looks a lot like Alex." "So..." "Just tell her that for me." "There really was no going home again and Dallas was discovering it too." "Look, girls." "A must-have for Oscar season." "The Billy Crystal." "Other sisterhoods may have traveled." "Some people spend money on just about anything." "After all, Steven spent years subsidizing you." "But this one didn't." "Dallas." "Have you seen Tessa?" "She's not at home and I really have to talk to her." " I thought she might have stopped by." " I was expecting her." "But she was a no-show." "I must say, not the best way to start a new job." " And she had such great references." " Wait, she works here?" "And she didn't show up?" "Now I'm getting worried." "Maybe Malik knows where she is." "Cheep!" "Okay, Malik." "Hey." "You have any idea where Tessa is?" "She went to East Chatswin to buy a scooter with Lisa." "I told them not to." " Don't tell her it was me?" " East Chatswin." "Great." " I'm gonna go find her." " I'll come with." "No, you can't leave all your friends." "You know, I'm starting to realize I only have one true friend in this whole store and he's on his way out." "Come on." "I can't believe he sold this to you without any gas." "I can't believe you pushed me into a shirtless stranger's living room." " Sorry." "I have strong survival instincts." " So let me get this straight." "You get a job and go to East Chatswin and buy a scooter without permission?" "You told me to do both of those things." "You said, "Get a job." You said, "Buy some wheels."" " I meant four wheels, not two." " Didn't make that clear." "You have to be real clear with teenagers." " Would you let me, Dallas, handle this?" " I'm trying to help." " If you wanna help, drive Lisa home." " Copy that." "Let me guess." "Malik." "Well, thank you, Dallas." "Thank you for inviting your sisters all this way so you could ditch us to hang out with your new boyfriend." " He's not my boyfriend." " Then maybe I'll make a move." "He's an architect." "I've been looking for someone to lay hardwood downstairs." "That's a great idea." "But first, you're gonna need to pull up that musty carpet." "I've seen your downstairs and it needs some work." " I thought she had tile down there." " Teeny." "Close your tiny teeth." "Honestly, Tulsa, I'm not sure George is ready to take on a project that size." "Don't be silly." "I've actually lost weight." "In fact, I'm down to an SIM, when just months ago, I was an MIL." "If you're implying what I think you're implying no two people deserve each other more." "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll take my cue from menopausal icon Joy Behar and storm out, leaving my invited guests in the lurch." "Are you gonna let me keep it?" "You're so busy operating independently, you're not thinking things through." " Yes, I am." " Tessa, you need a license to drive this." " Fill her up, please." " I don't work here." "Dalia?" "Does your mother know...?" "Well, as always, rules only apply to me." "All right, look." "I know what you're really upset about." " I, uh..." "I read your poem." " What poem?" "Ahem." "The poem you wrote about your mother." "What?" "Oh." "George, don't read into that." "That was just for a grade." "Kind of hard not to read into it." "I mean, you never talk about her." " I don't know how you feel." " Look, I..." "I don't know what you want me to say." "I never think about her." "Ever." "I don't know her." "You can't really miss somebody you don't know." "And besides, George don't take this the wrong way but you're all the mom I need." "You're trying to butter me up so you can keep the scooter." "Did you just say I can keep the scooter?" "Because that's what I heard." "We'll see." " We'll see?" " Wanna go for a no?" "No." "Dalia." "I just got a troubling phone call from George Altman." "Said you took that motorcycle your daddy gave you and took it for a spin." "He's lying." "He's a known liar." "Well, I asked Carmen to look into it and she said the bike felt warm to the touch." "She's a known liar." "She steals from us." "Listen here, girl." "I know you're hurting." "I am too." "But these expensive gifts from your daddy..." " ...aren't gonna make the pain go away." " I know." "That's why I want a Hangover monkey." " A monkey?" " I want one of those monkeys like in the movie The Hangover." "Dalia, you can't just throw Hangover monkeys at the problem." "Mom." "Those monkeys are really cute." "Those monkeys would always be there for me." "You listen up." "I may not be a monkey but I will always be here for you." "There are few people in life who truly have your back, Dalia Royce." "And I hope you know your mother is one of them." "You swear there was nothing to that poem?" " If there was, you would tell me?" " I would tell you." "I promise." "Dad was gonna let me keep that scooter." "After all, it was already in motion."