"Hey, honey." "For Amy's birthday party, we're just gonna invite the people that are in our play group, right?" " Mm-hmm." " Okay, good." "Except for Carson, 'cause he's a biter." "Oh, yeah." "And his mom 'cause she's a bitch." "Totally, those two really deserve each other, don't they?" "Oh, I love this one." "Wait a minute." "Sweetie, for Amy's first word, you put down "Dada."" "Oh, yeah, whatever." "No, not whatever, Chris." "Her first word was "mama."" "Remember, I came home from work, she put her arms out towards me." "She said, "mama."" "In the mama ballpark." "I'll give you that, but..." "I thought that if we were gonna count that..." "Which we are." "Then she did say Dada to me at the playground a couple of days before that." "Very convenient that I was not there to witness said Dada." "Well, luckily, I got it on video." "Notice the timestamp." "It's great." "That could be altered." "You're a little paranoid." "Shows you're nervous." "Wait for it, here it comes." "And..." " Da." " Boom." "Dude, she wasn't even looking at you." "She was probably pointing at a slide." "So no Dada." "Mama, first word." " Say Dada." " Say mama." " Say Dada." " Say mama." " Dada." " Say mama." "Amy, say mama, ma-ma." " Dada." "Say Dada." " Mama." "She just said kia." "Is that something?" "Something?" "That's a car." "She knows about cars!" "I think she said kiosk." "From when we got the phone covers in the mall!" " At the mall!" " Yes!" "For her first birthday!" " She's a genius!" " She's a genius." "Wanna go in?" "Go in there?" "Hey, honey." "Really, you're gonna bring the chicken suit to a play date, honey?" "Isn't that a little much?" "Babe, I don't think you're fully aware of my play date persona." "I'm freewheelin'." "Just a good time Charlie." "Ah, the kids love it." "But, parents love it too, so..." "Nah, I think maybe one parent loves it." "You." "Mama." "Oh, honey, now we're just rubbing it in." "You know what, she's kind of chatty today." "I think I'm gonna get the video camera." "Okay." "Hey, let's get a couple dadas in there, huh?" " Hey there, neighbor." " Hey." " Hey." " Headed out?" "Um, I... yes, I am headed..." "I'm just, um, just waiting for Reagan to..." " How are you guys doing?" " Great!" "We, uh, hadn't gotten our invitation to Amy's birthday party yet..." "Oh, yeah, you know, we hadn't really decided what we were gonna do yet, so..." "That's what we were hoping you'd say!" "How'd you like to have a joint party?" "For our young ones?" "Reagan, honey?" "Could really use some..." "We could share entertainment, decorations, a bounce house, the whole kit and caboodle." "Not that it's about money." "Oh, tell that to our forever-off ac." "We'd just love to share that special day with your family." "Look, I..." "Um..." "Fine, yes." "Hooray!" "So, uh, what do you say we take care of the food and drinks and, uh, we have the party at your place?" "It's like you always say, your house has the primo party flow." "Ah, God, I do always say that." "♪ joint birthday party!" "♪ Joint birthday party!" "♪ Joint birthday party!" "What are they chanting about?" "I may have just agreed to hosting a joint birthday party for Amy and Roger at our house." "Chris, oh, my God!" "I was gone, like, 30 seconds." "They ambushed me, babe." "I need you to be the hammer in situations like that, and they just..." "I'm just a get-along guy." "We're gonna reserve a clown, okay?" " Sure." " No." "They're in!" "Christopher!" "There." "Hey, ladies." " There's daddy." " Hi." " Daddy's here." " Hi." "What are you doing here?" "Yeah, just handing out some invitations to some of my playground peeps." "We'll see who's gonna make the cut." "There he is, Kenny." "Congratulations, buddy, you made it." "And, hey, Brendan." "'Sup, dude?" "Brendan did not make the cut, so just be cool." "Hey, can I ask you a question?" "Are you going to invite Finn over there and his... daddy?" "'Cause I've seen you two chatting." "Oh, Ned, yeah, Ned's a good guy." "Aww..." "Nice daddies." "Cute... nice... daddies." "Listen, this is totally awkward, but, could I ask you a favor?" "Would you be able to introduce us?" "Because I think we've kind of been making eyes at each other, and..." "I know he's recently divorced and, you know," "I haven't been on a date in a long time, 22 months." " Hmm." " Yeah." "Yowza." "Nancy's a little antsy in the pantsy, if you know what I'm saying." "Yeah, so it can definitely be a wham, bam, thank you ma'am type of situation." "One-pump chump, two-beat treat." "You know, this is very weird playground conversation." "What do you say, Chris, you think you can help me?" "Whatever it takes to just end this." " Oh, Chris, Chris, Chris!" " Okay." "Oh, my God, what is..." "Honey, this is, like, 90% Gene and Terry people here." "Yeah, no kidding." "Hey, guys, guys." "I thought that we agreed that you were" " only gonna be inviting family." " Yeah." "This is just family." "Between my side and Terry's, birthday boy's got, oh, eight great-grandparents, four grandparents, two parents, uh, eight uncles, six aunts and, uh, more cousins than we can count." "Our family loves making babies." "And then we don't die!" "Oh, Roy, how are you?" "Oh, my God." "Oh, look at this old-timer." "Not caring for the feet." "His shoe is touching the cheese." "I can't take it anymore, honey." "I have to go say something." " Brinkleys!" " Yeah?" "Oh... oh, Ava, wow." "Very fancy." "Christopher." "Your wife's right here." "Of course I'm gonna bring it on such a special day for us!" "Missy is almost finished putting out the classy appetizers for our v.I.P.S, a.K.A. Amy's guests." "Missy has been given very strict instructions not to serve any of the Gene and Terry people." "Missy, what are our red flags again?" "Pleated khakis, polar performance fleeces, denim shirts with looney tune characters." "That's right, the off-brand guests can help themselves to their best value potato discs and diet Dr. Popper." " Okay." " My meal is just the beginning." "I cannot wait for the two of you to open Amy's gift." "Please, honey, don't go too crazy, okay?" "Or crazy at all." "That's an option." "I am taking this very seriously." "I mean, you may be the parents, which is very important, of course." "But I am the godparent." "God." "What is he doing with Sushi?" "Missy, we have a breach!" "Why does Ava think she's the godmother, honey?" "I mean, your sister's the godmother." "Oh, you know what must have happened?" "Well, uh, both my girls are doing great." "All right, I love you." "I'm Amy's godmother, right?" "Yes." "Chris!" "Oh, my God." "I'm sorry, I hadn't slept." "I just..." "I just assumed that at some point that Ava would bring it up to you and that you would set her straight." "Like, now-ish." "You need to learn how to say no, Chris." "No." "Hey, look, I'm a people pleaser." "It's what I bring to our relationship." "The chill factor." "You know why you get to bring the chill factor?" "Which, by the way, that stinks." "Agreed." "Is because you always know that I will be there to say no for you." "I always have to be the bad cop." "You gotta admit, you're good at it." "I'm sick of it." "You need to be the bad cop every once in a while." "And you can start by going and telling her that she is not the godmother." "Listen, why tell her?" "The issue only ever comes up if you and I die at the same time." "And let's face it." "If you and I go together, in all likelihood, Ava will have died with us or she'll have been the one who killed us." "No, you are gonna go tell her, because until you step up," "I'm out." " Out?" " Starting now." "Right now, I'm just gonna..." "I'm just gonna enjoy this party." "I'm just gonna go with the flow." "Things get messy, prissy Chrissy can get his hands dirty." "Prissy Chri... wow, that just rolled off your tongue." "Excuse me." "Hi, there, sir." "Welcome to our home." "Why don't you just feel free to kick those shoes off over there." " Hey." " Hi." "Yeah, we're just having a little funny face contest over there." " I'm totally winning." " Are you?" "Hey, listen, one of the Gene and Terrys is watching TV inside." " Oh." " Yeah." "Yeah, at a birthday party, so..." "Oh, you know what, I'm fine, honey." "But, you kn... if it's bothering you, then, you gotta do something about it." " Hey." " Thanks." " Hey, buddy." " Hey." "Listen, um, sorry about the whole Nancy thing..." "Oh, no, no, no, no." "We went out last night." "It was amazing, really." "I mean, she is so beautiful and she's vulnerable and sweet." "So thank you." "Really." "Oh, gosh, that's great, man." "You're welcome, buddy." "That's... that's ra... that..." "Oh... that's a deep hug, man." "All right, good news." " Hey... whoa." " You gotta get Ned off my jock." "Wait, what?" "I thought it went great." "Oh, no, it totally did." "I mean, I got what I needed." "He got the job done, if you know what I mean." " Yeah, I do." " I mean, he got his." "Then I got mine." "Look, I'm glad that you both got... yours." "But then he wouldn't leave." "He stayed until lunchtime, just wanting to chat." "And then he made tea." "So listen, Chris, I need you to talk to him for me, please." "Oh, jeez, Nancy, I don't know." "Reagan, honey, do you have a take on this?" "I do not." "Cannot wait for you guys to open Amy's present any longer!" "Amy." "Familia." "Becoming a godmother has been so meaningful for me." "It's... it's got me going to church again." "Well, not "going" going." "I just have a spiritualist come to the house once a week and we pray together and then he gives me a massage." "Enough of me." "May I present to you..." "Amy." "Isn't she glorious?" "I had it commissioned by famed Neo-Victorian painter, Daniel Beauregand." "He doesn't usually do babies." "No kidding." "The question now is where to hang it." "Maybe not even here." "I mean, uh, maybe, a museum, perhaps?" "Like the Getty." "Or that's probably too close, maybe, like, uh, a east coast... museum or just, like, Bermuda would be good." "No, this is my goddaughter we're talking about." "It has got to be someplace here, prominent." "I think that it should go above the fireplace." "I do." "That way, we can see it all the time and..." "It can see us." "I mean, of course, unless you have a problem with that, honey?" "No, I do not, honey." "Yes!" "I'm gonna go get my camera, and then I want to take a picture of Amy." "Be right back." "It's one of those ones where the eyes follow you..." "Wherever you..." "Yeah, I think I just saw it lick its lips." "Oh, look at this, huh?" "Ooh." " What's going on over here?" " Check it out." "This total Gene and Terry lady, she's doing her laundry here." "Yeah, she claimed that her kid had a real blow-out diaper, which were her words." "Oh, don't smile about..." "It's making you crazy." "You know what?" "I think that we are seeing the real Chris here." "What do you mean?" "Yeah, maybe this, like, cool, take-it-easy dude, maybe he only exists because I have always been the reactor in the family, and I've kept the heat off of you." "Maybe all these years, I have allowed you to think that you're someone that you're not." "No, no, no, no." "I think that now that I'm making you deal with all this stuff, we're seeing the real you, honey." "And the real you looks a lot like this." "Oh, no." "Hey, it's time to sing the birthday song to the birthday boy and the birthday girl." "Yay." "♪ Joint birthday party, ah" "♪ joint birthday party, huh ♪" "♪ joint birthday party, ho" "I thought we were gonna sing Happy Birthday twice." "Once for each kid." "That's fine, honey, it's fine." "And, as is our birthday custom, let's all hold hands as we sing." "Wait, what?" "No, no, no, I'm not gonna... hey, man..." "Don't grab people's... ♪ Happy Birthday to you" "♪ Happy Birthday to you" "♪ Happy Birthday dear" "♪ Amy" "♪ Happy Birthday to you" "That's okay, baby." "It's fine." "Don't be sad, mommy's here." "Her party dress is ruined." "She wore it one time, boom." "All because we had to eat that garbage people sheet cake out there." "Oh, Chris, will you calm down?" "Are you kidding?" "Has society broken down?" "Sir?" "What is this, mad Max?" "Oh, now." "Did you hear the bad news?" "It's okay, Ter." "Guys, Yoinks the clown didn't show." "The kids are so sad." "Roger's only gonna turn one once." "I wanted to be there for his first clown." " It's gonna be okay." " For you!" "All you care about is getting your deposit back." "My father was a depression baby!" "Oh, you have an old-ass father." " Big deal." " Wh..." "Our daughter's first birthday is ruined." "We're never getting this back." "You know what?" "I got this covered." "Here you go." "Excuse me." "Chris, hey." "I've been looking for you." "Um, so I'm getting, like, uh, mixed signals from Nancy." "For the first time since Betsy left, I felt alive last night, and it's not just 'cause of the love-making." "Was it not?" "It's the tenderness and the spooning." "Listen, uh, as much as I love to hear about other dudes spooning," "I gotta level with you here, Ned." "Oh, God." "No, no, no, no." "No, no, no." "No, no, no." " She doesn't..." " No... d-don't." "Please... please don't, please don't." " Please don't, no, no, no." " No." "Ohh!" "Don't you cry while I'm holding a baby." " Look at me, right here." " I'm stupid." "It's good, it's great." "She had the best time of her life, she said." "Yeah?" "So just be happy and congratulations and be happy, okay?" "So are we... thanks." "Okay." "A dryer sheet?" "Are you [Bleep] Me?" "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we have a special treat for you." "Give it up, give all up..." "For the birthday chicken!" "♪" " I'm naked in here." " Oh, you're not the first." " Babe." " Yes?" "That was pretty awesome, babe." " It was, wasn't it?" " Yep." "You know what?" "Pretending to go with the flow, there ended up being some actual flow going." "I, my friend, am a good-time Charlie." "I mean, damn it, you took my persona." "You're actually better at being a good-time Charlie than me." "I am better." "And you, honey, are a pretty hi-larious, uptight guy." " Thank you." " Yeah." "You wanna open your presents?" "Let's open your presents." " Okay." " Okay." "Can we open the one from my sister first?" " Yeah, sure." " All right." "Let's see what she has to say." "Happy first birth..." "Hey, Amy." "Happy Birthday." "We wish we could be there to see our beautiful niece and goddaughter on her special day." "We love you, sweetie." "They think they're the godparents." "Oh." "Oh, it's me who..." "Ava..." "Oh... well... great." "'Cause it probably means a lot to the... voice from that card." "And I don't care." "Oh!" "Gah!" "Aah!" "Uhh!" "Hi." "Honey, I'm so sorry." "Ava, I-I..." "I'm sorry that I-I said that you could be the godmother." "It's just that..." "I'm not great at saying no to people." "Chris, you're such a sweetheart." "I think that's why I went to you to ask to be the godmother instead of going to Reagan." "Because I knew you would want someone else." "Oh, honey." "Someone dependable and stable and not "unfairly maligned in the tabloids"" "for "trying to run over Deion Sanders."" "I'm assuming your sister's a different kind of gal?" "Yeah, she is." "She sounds boring." "Well, no, I mean, she's my sis... yeah." "Let's face it." "I'm never gonna have a baby." "And when Amy was born, I..." "I just thought being godmother would be the next best thing." "Sweetie, that's just a title." "I mean, who's more important, really?" "You're the one who's here every day." "You're babysitting, you're catering parties," " you're commissioning... art." " Art." "And my sister, she lives on the other side of the country." " Yeah." " I mean, she hasn't seen Amy since she was, like, two months old." "She might be the godmother, but, come on, you are special auntie Ava." "Aww, you guys." "Yep." "Group hug." " Okay." "Oh!" " Ooh!" " Okay." " I can't quite..." " Oh, boy, there you go." " Whoa." "Come on back up." "There we go, let's get a hug." " Oh, excuse me." " Oh, you guys, there it is." "Yeah, sweetie, that's my boob." "Aww, special auntie Ava." "Well, then, special auntie Ava," "I think that there might be a little birthday girl in there who is due for a diaper change." "Ugh, is she still doing that?" "I'm just kidding." "What is it, a pee-pee?" "Who knows?" "Either way, I love that girl." " I love changing diapers." " Okay." " Yeah, cool." " Sorry, kids." "Babe." "Yeah." " It's after 6:00." " Huh?" "Those people are still hunkering down up there." "Oh, God." "All right, that's it." "Nope, that's it." "All right, it's enough." "I'm gonna go crack some skulls." "No, no, no." "I got this." "Okay, everybody, time to go." "Yeah, sorry." "Loved having you, but the party's over." "Oh, but Chris, come on, we're having so much fun." "Everyone's having so much fun." "Fluff and fold, forget it, okay?" "Hey, old man foot cheese, we're done, all right?" "Yeah, and..." "and bedroom/bathroom guy adios." "And take the magazine with you." "Nancy, honey, I love you." "Ned brews tea and he likes to spoon." "I suggest that you try to make this one work." "Okay, bye, everybody." "Bye." "Let's keep the good-bye train rolling." "Thank you, bye, bye." "That's ours." "Yeah, down and out." " Thank you." " Yes, thank you." "Thank you guys so much for hosting." " This was amazing." " Yeah." "Hey, never too early to start planning for birthday party numero dos!" "Nope." "You guys." "The Brinkleys, you're nuts." "Not gonna happen." "We're not going to do that." "We're laughing, but we're saying "no," and it's real." "It isn't either." "You're just too much." "This was a horrible mistake." " Okay." " Dudes!" "One of the worst experiences of our life, if not the worst." "Okay?" "There we go, and..." " Wow, did that feel good." " Doesn't it, though?" "Just to say no." "Yeah, I'm loving it." "Just "no."" " No." " No!" "No, no, no, no, no." "Am I your special auntie Ava?" " Yeah?" "Auntie Ava..." " Ava." "She said Ava." "Amy said Ava." "Oh, my God!" "Is that her first word?" "Yes." " Yes." " Yep." "Say it again, sweetie, say Ava." "Ava." " Ava" " Ava." "Oh!" "Guys, it's so great to see you so happy." " I am so happy." " Yay." "Listen, we're not gonna keep that painting, okay?" " What painting?" " Oh, good." "Honey, this way." "Ava." "Ava." "Oh, sweet girl." "Happy Birthday." "Mwah!" "I just wanna tell you that this last year has been the very best year of our lives." "Hmm." "Do you wanna bounce?" "Do you wanna bounce?" "Do you wanna bounce?" "Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy." "Oh, jeez, what..." "Really?" "What, do they think that we can't see them?" "Are you kidding?" "They want us to see them." "Oh, gross." " Oh, Nancy." " Okay, don't... no." " Amy, don't look." " Amy, look over here."