"Hey, very elegant." "Thank you." "All this trouble just for Larry and Louise?" "Old Chinese proverb say, "It never hurt to impress boss."" "Who said that?" "Confucius?" "No, Charlie Chan." "Now, while you fix me a drink, I will take my cake out of the oven." "One angel food cake coming up." "I think your angel food cake went to the devil." "Arthur, what are you doing in there?" "I popped in to say hi and found your cake flatter than a pancake." "Thanks to you." "You stepped on it." "I did not." "My feet weren't even in there." "Shall I tell a few jokes?" " What for?" " To get a rise out of it." "Sorry." "When you cast your spell, you probably faced west when you should have faced "yeast."" "Get it? "Faced yeast."" "I really break you up, don't I?" "Arthur, it isn't that I'm not glad to see you." "It's just that, well, we're having company." "So why don't you pop in tomorrow after Darrin's gone, and we can have a chat?" "Not before I whip you up a new dessert." "Never mind the dessert." "You've said hi, now bye." "Oh, no, not an angel food cake." "That's so cafeteria." "Let's see." "How's the cake?" "Didn't pan out." "It fell a little." "French pastry." "Perfect." "Something special." "I'll make a delicious napoleon." "A scrumptious napoleon Now gets a chance" "Hi, there." "Where am I?" "I demand to know, where am I?" "Why I am here?" "Uncle Arthur, I'm a little surprised to see that you're still here." "If you want a real surprise, turn around." "Uncle Arthur, what have you done?" "Well, I thought I'd whip up a little napoleon, and I got a big one." "I'm too much." "Yes, I am." "Mr. Napoleon I'm afraid there's been a slight mistake." "Can I help you?" "No, sweetheart, go away." "Go away." "There's been a slight mistake." "It's partially my fault." "Arthur, it's peachy to see you, but Samantha and I are expecting guests." "So if you don't mind..." "Who is he?" "Guess." "He looks like Napoleon." "I am Napoleon." "Can't fool you, can we?" " Is this one of your practical jokes?" " If it were a joke, I'd be laughing." " May I say something?" " You keep out of this." "Samantha, you're not going to tell me that this man is actually Napoleon Bonaparte." " Okay, I won't tell you." " But he is." "Well, make up your mind, do you wanna know or not?" "I demand to be heard." "Quiet." "I can't believe it." "Yeah, it is kind of hard, isn't it?" "What is he doing here?" "He's our dessert?" "Sam." "Well." "Shall we call you Monsieur Bonaparte or just plain old Napoleon?" "Call me Emperor." "Not too friendly, are we?" "I don't believe it." "In our living room, in person, sits Napoleon Bonaparte." "Yeah." "You're the only living human being who can say he's had Napoleon Bonaparte as a guest in his house." " It's ironic." " Ironic?" "Yes." "Who can you say it to?" "I thought a little humour might humour you." "Sam, how did it happen?" "Well, it's sort of technical." "Well, when a witch or a warlock casts a spell involving an object in this case a French pastry the name of which may also be used to identify a human being the kinetic vibrations run the risk of zonking across the atmospheric continuum." "And the ectoplasmic manifestations which might not ordinarily occur..." "Sam." "Sam?" " Yes, dear?" " I'm sorry I asked." "Just go inside and get rid of him." "Yes, dear." "I'll try." "You stay here." "I'll go with you." "As your biggest fan, I wanna watch." " But if..." " Go." " Mr. Bonaparte..." " He wants to be called Emperor." "Fine." "Emperor I'm afraid we're going to have to send you away." "I refuse to be sent anywhere unless I know where am I." "I brought you here." "I'm a warlock, and my niece is a witch." "Now, Uncle Arthur, please, no need to give away the family secrets." "Will you please hurry up and send him back where he came from?" "I can't reverse Uncle Arthur's spell." " He has to do it himself." " Don't you know anything?" "Yes." "I know that my wife and I are expecting company." "And if you and your sidekick aren't out of here, I'll break your neck!" "Just try it, buster, and I'll turn you into a tiny Eiffel Tower." "That I'd like to see." "Uncle Arthur, will you please reverse your spell?" "Only for you." "Not for him." "Okay, Emperor, on your feet." "Stand up." "All the way." "Oh, sorry." "You're taking French leave From where you're at" "That's funny." "He should be gone." "Maybe you're using the wrong arm gestures." "You're a lousy warlock." "How would you know?" "I'll take one more zap at Nap." " That's Larry and Louise." " Uncle Arthur, please hurry." "Don't rush me, Sammy." "I can't function under pressure." "Maybe you can function under a punch in the mouth." "One more word and I'm leaving." " Sorry." " That's the word." "Emperor, would you consider hiding in a closet?" "Absolutely not." "Well, then would you meet us halfway?" "Will you not say how you got here or who you are?" "As your guest, I will oblige." "Because as a Frenchman, I find you so attractive." " Get on with it." " Yes." "Remarkable." "And very nice material." "Now, your name is Henri Richard." "You're my cousin from Paris, and we have invited you to stay for dinner." " I don't believe this." " You don't believe this?" "More coffee, Henri?" "Larry?" "Larry?" " More coffee?" " Excuse me." "Yes, please." "Henri, something's been puzzling me all evening." "Is it possible that you and I have met?" "I don't know." "How old are you?" " Forty-seven." " Then it is not possible." "Somehow I find your face very familiar." "Would anybody care for brandy?" "Napoleon brandy?" "I'm not sure." "I'll check." "That's it." "He looks like Napoleon." "Napoleon who?" "Napoleon Bonaparte." "Henri's a dead ringer for him." "Hasn't anyone ever told you that before?" "Never." "Although, it flatters me to be compared to the greatest man of all time." "I hate to quarrel with my host, but he looks like Napoleon." "And that gives me a great idea." "Darrin, you know our Zoom Detergent account?" "What about it?" "I've just had a brainstorm for their new TV commercial." "We dress Henri like the Emperor Napoleon, and he says:" ""Put Zoom Detergent in your dishwater and you'll never meet your Waterloo."" " No, it won't work." " Why not?" "Well, first of all, Henri's not an actor." "Big deal." "Lots of commercials are done by nonprofessionals." "In the second place, he has to leave as soon as he can." "We'll shoot the commercial tomorrow." "And with all those residuals, you'll make a bundle of money." "And you'll be famous throughout the world." " I will?" "In Europe too?" " Wherever there's television." "But I don't understand." "What is it, television?" "So the answer's no." "But my answer is yes." "I accept your proposal." "Great." "It's turned out to be a great night for all of us." " Terrific." " Come on, Louise." " We're going home." " What for?" "So I can get the ball rolling for Napoleon's commercial." " I'll let you know the time and studio." " Larry, wait." "Good night, Sam." "Thanks for a deliciously productive dinner." "We'll see ourselves out." "Come on, Louise." "Oh, I'm sorry, Samantha, but business is business." "Henri, see you tomorrow." "Henri:" "Emperor, shame on you." "No pointing." "I do not permit pointing." "You knew we didn't want you to accept Larry's offer but you ignored our wishes." " Yes, that's quite true." "And I know why." "He's got a yen for Louise." "Yeah, well, I'm sure after two centuries, you must be starved for affection." "Madame, I assure you, my motive was not to conquer a woman." "Then what was your motive?" "To conquer England." "If once again I can become famous in Europe then once again can I rebuild my forces." "Sam, do something." " Well, I..." " No." "No one must do nothing." "I now proclaim:" "If any of you tries to interfere with my arrangement with Monsieur Tate I shall tell him my Cousin Samantha is a witch." "Oh, is that ruthless." "How do you think I got to be emperor?" "Well, go ahead." "Tell Monsieur Tate." "Who'd believe a man who thinks he's Napoleon?" "I am Napoleon Bonaparte, Emperor of France." "England, I beat you yet." " Sam." " Coming." " Hi, sweetheart." "How do you feel?" " I don't know yet." "Have you heard from your Uncle Arthur?" " No." "I guess he's still mad." " I feel terrible." "Well, you'll feel better after breakfast." "We're having crêpe suzette." " Crêpe suzette?" " Yeah, it was Napoleon's idea." "Why didn't you tell him he can eat what we eat, or he can go without?" "Well, I didn't wanna argue with him." "You know how huffy he gets." " Maybe that's Uncle Arthur." " Ringing the doorbell?" "Good morning." "I'm here to escort Henri to the studio." "He's due onstage in an hour." " What's the matter, don't you trust us?" " I trust you." "But I sense in my associate a certain reluctance for this entire enterprise." "Now you mention it, after sleeping, I sincerely..." "Hold it, Darrin." "As senior vice president, I sincerely disagree with you." "If you sincerely disagree with me, you can sincerely quit your job." " Any questions?" " Yes." " Shoot." " Would you like some crêpe suzette?" "I predict total disaster." "Oh, now, sweetheart, be optimistic." " Sam, you know what I wish?" " What's that?" "I wish just once these things would happen to someone else." "Not always to me." " Great set, huh, kids?" " Yeah." "It's a room in Napoleon's palace." "Larry, are we supposed to believe that he used Zoom Detergent?" "No." "But we're supposed to believe if he had his palace would have been cleaner." "Where's Cousin Henri?" " He's in his dressing room." " Good." "Mr. Tate, Mr. Bradley's here." " Member of the board." " And a tough man to please." "Come on, Darrin." "Let's soften him up a bit." "Good luck." "Uncle Arthur, what are you doing in there?" "You've heard of the man behind the camera." "I'm the man inside the camera." "You get out of there immediately." "And subtly." "I gotta stop hitting that brandy after dinner." "And besides, I have important news about how to reverse my spell." "You do?" "What's that?" "I can't reverse it." "Terrific." "That was really worth coming to tell me." "But don't worry." "I'm working on those arm gestures and I'm still in there pitching." "And striking out." "And no more bloody marys at breakfast either." "Will you please get out of here?" "All right, Sammy, but in times of stress we shouldn't lose our sense of humour." "Yeah, swell." "That's it." "I'm getting back on my liver pills." " Sam?" " Oh, yes?" "Did I see you talking to a baseball player?" "Who, me?" "What would a baseball player be doing in Napoleon's palace?" " I guess I'm keyed up." " Yeah." "Mr. Bradley, this is my wife, Samantha." "Oh, well, it's a pleasure, Mr. Bradley." "And may I say, I use Zoom Detergent constantly." "Well, I should hope so." "All right, Tate, let's get this show on the road." "All right, Mr. Bradley, I'm handling it personally." "All right." "Come on." "Let's get this show on the road." "Napoleon, onstage." "This is my new spokesman?" "Yes, sir." "Anything wrong?" "Okay, okay, it isn't exactly as I envisioned it but let's see if he can sell detergent." "All right, boys, rehearsal." "All right, just sit right over here, Napoleon." "That's it." "And read what it says on those cards." "Action." ""If you want your home to be your palace, use Zoom Detergent." "Zoom is the economy cleanser my empress, Josephine would never be without."" "Wait a minute." "This guy stinks." "Am I right, or am I wrong?" " Well..." " I'm right." "He's an insult to a great American product." "You with the cards, out." "Tate." " Yes, sir?" " He stinks." " So does the commercial." " Wait." " The whole thing is off." " Wait." "Is this better?" "If you want your home to be your palace, use Zoom." "Henri, forget it." " But why?" " The commercial's off." "I protest." "On what grounds has this been done to me?" "On the grounds, to put it kindly, that you're wrong for the part." "I am wrong for the part of Napoleon?" "Henri, take it easy." "Stop calling me that." "I am not your cousin." "I am Napoleon Bonaparte, Emperor of France." " Putting us on, or has he flipped?" " He's putting us on." "No more lies." "Now is time for truth." "I am Napoleon." "I think he means it." "Sam, your cousin is sick." "Now, Henri, don't be a sore loser." "My name is not Henri." "My name is Napoleon." "This nut needs a psychiatrist, and so do you." "If you don't come up with a better commercial I'm taking my account to a different agency." "Darrin, I'm holding you personally responsible." " What did I do?" " You married Samantha." "And this nut is her cousin." "Mr. Bradley, wait." "Well, what do we do now?" "I don't know." "How about leaving the country?" "I know what I'm going to do." "I'm going to send a messenger to Larry Tate and tell him you are a witch." "You have no messenger." "Did I hear someone call for a messenger?" "That's a very nice horse, Uncle Arthur, but will you get him off my carpet?" "I have it." "Hooray." "It's a little late, but hooray." "I'll believe it when I see it." "You are a cynic." "And I refuse to "cynic" to your level." "Emperor, are you ready to embark?" "The sooner the better." "Monsieur Stephens, I'm glad to have met you." "Likewise." "Cousine Samantha, it's been a great plaisir." "Is this gonna take long?" "Well, thank you, Emperor." "And bon voyage." "Sammy, I've figured it out." "To reverse the spell, all I gotta do is pitch it with a little reverse English." "It had nothing to do with those rotten arm gestures." "Would you please get on with it?" "Oh, sorry, shorty." "Would you care to step over to the fireplace, please?" "Watch this, Sammy." "In reverse." "Don't you know anything?" "Bat wings and lizard tails." " I was just gonna say that." " You..." "Listen, fella." "In the future, when these minor incidents occur don't make such a fuss." "Please." "Now all I have to do is think of a new commercial for Zoom Detergent." " You will, sweetheart." "You will." " How do you know?" "Because you're very talented." "Thank you." "Same to you." "Do you know what I'm happy about?" " No." "What?" " England is safe." " There's a lovely roast in the oven." " Roast beef." "Honey?" "This isn't a roast beef." "It's a roast chicken." "I'm something else." "Sam, get rid of that delinquent warlock." "Testy, isn't he?" "Uncle Arthur, out." "Good." "Aren't you gonna invite me to dinner?" "I'm sorry, Uncle Arthur, but under the circumstances, I don't think so." "That roast is big enough for eight people." " And it's going to be eaten by two." " Selfish." " Good riddance." " Yeah, I wonder." " Oh, for..." " Uncle Arthur?" "You come back here with our dinner." "I thought you'd reconsider." " If only I could bust you..." " Relax, Darrin." "Loosen up." "After all, a roast for eight shouldn't be "eighten" by two." "I kill me."