"* Good morning, USA!" "*" "* I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day *" "* The sun in the sky has a smile on his face *" "* And he's shining a salute to the American race *" "* Oh, boy, it's swell to say *" "* Good... * Good morning, USA *" "Aah!" "Dad, check it out!" "I got a B-plus on my essay about my personal hero," "Legolas from Lord of the Rings!" ""Le-go-las."" "Yeah." "He helps Aragorn conquer..." ""A-ra-gorn."" "Yeah!" "He's an elf, and-and he..." "Hey!" "That's not a hero, Steve!" "A hero is someone you worship and emulate." "I assume you got such a high grade because your teacher thought you were trying to come out to her and wanted to be supportive." "But Legolas is cool!" "He can shoot arrows, his feet scarcely make imprints on the snow..." "They've got to be real!" "Okay?" "Heroes have got to be real people!" "I'm, um," "I'm ready to pretend I'm going to school, if someone wants to pretend to see my bus outside." "These are my heroes, son." "Real heroes." "Ronald Reagan and the 1980 "Miracle on Ice"" "U.S. hockey team." "1980 was the best year of my life." "Ronald Reagan became president, and the U.S. hockey team overcame enormous odds to beat the Russians and win Olympic gold." "And my Cabbage Patch Kid Woodrow was born in the cabbage patch on September 1." "He's not one of my heroes." "He's-he's just been my best friend since, like, forever." "These men saved me!" "I was born into an upper-middle-class white family in the suburbs." "No one gave me a chance." "But I saw these men, these underdogs, rise up and beat the odds, and they inspired me to climb out of the cul-de-sac and make something of my life!" "That's what a hero is, Steve-- someone whose example you can follow." "Heh, look at that!" "Can you believe me and this group of jagoffs won the gold?" "What are you talking about?" "That's me, Chex LeMeneux!" "See?" "That's my finger, and there's my perfect, apple-shaped bottom." "Well, love to stay and chat, but I already had half this coffee, and matters are afoot." "Aah!" "You lazy, selfish, no-good drunk!" "How dare you claim to be one of the greatest men ever to walk this earth!" "I know who Chex LeMeneux is, and you're not him!" "That's 'cause you're not seeing me in my outfit." "Eh?" "Recognize me now?" "Mustache, courtesy of an L.L. Bean mannequin, name of Frederick." "Ah, an alien and a mannequin." "What were we thinking?" "We were young." "Take off that jersey!" "You're besmirching the team!" "I'm not telling you, I was the agitator, the enforcer, the goon." "In that game versus Sweden," "I was inside one of their forwards for, like, a minute." "He still writes me." "I don't write back." "What am I afraid of?" "I said take that off!" "Fine!" "You don't believe me?" "I'll prove it to you." "You know how I go out of town once a year?" "No." "I don't like to think about you;" "it's confusing." "That's when the team gets together to reminisce." "Our next gathering is in a few weeks." "Why don't you come with me and see for yourself?" "Fine!" "I'll go, and I'll call you on your nonsense!" "Good." "I normally take my barber as my plus one, but lately, Phil's been on this corduroy kick." "I-I mean... wh-what do you do?" "Wh-What's... what's to be done?" "* She say I'm Mr. Ro... *" "* Mantic... *" "Hey, Francine!" "Give Reggie some sugar." "Hey, Reginald!" "What are you doing here?" "Oh, I got back from a CIA mission last night." "Stan said I could pop in and make myself at home." "You know, use y'all's laundry, shower, maybe spark up a..." "I'm sorry, I don't..." "Oh, I thought you partook." "ever mind." "Boop!" "Press delete." "Anyway, these mother-zeroes at the CIA got me running around." "I just got back from Tangiers." "That is some country-ass country!" "You know what they never heard of there?" "Hi-damn-C." "Got some yak juice squirting out of some goat." "Tastes like butt coming out some teat." ""You want some figs?" "You want some cheese?"" "Hell, no!" "It's 150 degrees!" "Can I get a damn ice cube?" "Um..." "FRANCINE'S VOICE:" "Dear Reginald, I didn't want to interrupt you, but I really had to go to the bathroom." "Love, Francine." "Did you put my dress in the dryer?" "Oh, yeah, I did." "It was no problem." "I just threw it in with my jeans." "You shrunk it!" "I was gonna wear it tonight!" "I'm going to dinner with my boyfriend Ian." "Ian is gonna like that tight on you." "Showcase your bits!" "Just stay away from me!" "Whew, she hate me," "Like the deserts hate the rain." "How much did that fake sign set you back?" "Not bad for La Quinta." "A sign-in table- nice touch, Roger." "Hello, Chex." "I see you didn't bring your barber this time." "I guess you'll never ask me to be your plus one!" "You're fat, Helen!" "Chex!" "Who wants their neck sliced open?" "!" "That's..." "Jim Craig." "And Mark Johnson." "There's Mike Eruzione!" "Just in time, Chex." "They're about to show some of our old game footage." "All right!" "I can't believe it." "Roger is my hero." "Aah!" "Stan, who the hell are you talking to?" "Are you just sitting in the dark watching me?" "Oh, God, were you yanking it over my sleeping form?" "Oh, you sick..." "What the...?" "You always get what you want, don't you, Helen?" "Bravo." "Little more cereal?" "Top off your java?" "Oh, looks like that article continues on page ten." "Dad, he's still the same Roger!" "Just because he won a hockey game 30 years ago, he's suddenly your hero?" "Yes, Steve." "What did your hero Legoman ever win?" "It's Legolas." "You mispronounce it just to aggravate me." "Ooh..." "I am steaming, boy!" "Ooh..." "Roger, I am so sorry for how I treated you all these years." "Stan, don't worry about it." "I want you to punch me in the face." "I'm not gonna punch you in the face." "I want you to hurt me to make up for how I treated you." "Here, take my gun and shoot me through the cheek." "Stan, I am not going..." "Sorry again about the whole cheek thing." "I didn't mean to..." "Nonsense!" "You just gave me another hole for your glory to shine through." "A glory hole in my face." "You're so great." "May I?" "Hayley Mills!" "America's original sweetheart." "Come on." "It's been a whole week." "You still mad at Reggie?" "Look, how about a peace offering?" "You like music?" "You like Shaggy?" "Shaggy!" "No." "Yes, you do." "Everybody likes Shaggy." "That's why he playing the fairgrounds." "Me and you are going." "You don't seem to get it." "I don't like you." "I want to change that." "I want to be your friend." "That's why I'm taking you to Shaggy, Hayley." "Hayley!" "So, Mike Eruzione and I decided to pull a prank on our teammates." "Uh-huh." "The night before the game with Czechoslovakia, we sneak into the locker room and rub muscle ointment inside all the helmets, right?" "Uh-huh." "So, the next day, on the ice, the guys started sweating, and their scalps started to burn." "Oh, man!" "But the best part was," "Eruzione and I forgot which helmets were ours and put on the ointment ones by accident." "So, he's going crazy, with his head all burning up." "And, of course, I couldn't feel a thing 'cause of all the steroids I was on." "Steroids?" "Rob McClanahan, the U. S. hockey team is on a roll no one expected." "How are you playing so well?" "Well, you know, we're all about the team." "We focus on fundamentals and listen to what Coach tells us." "I'll kill your mother!" "The team was on steroids?" "Not the team; just me." "Yeah, I couldn't get on the ice without my old Uncle Roy... d." "I don't believe this." "Believe it." "That's why my penis is so small." "But you know what?" "Worth it." "This is the only thing I need to dangle to get the ladies." "You cheated." "Yes, of course, I cheated." "It's what I do best." "That and this." "* Doo doo doo doo doo *" "* Byoo-byool *" "* Doo doo doo doo doo *" "* Byoo-byool *" "Thought I heard you in here." "Having a good old-fashioned night cry, huh?" "You want Mr. Cry-ceratops?" "That's right." "Feed him your tears." "Yes." "You're good with him." "Roger was on steroids the whole time." "The team never should have won that gold medal." "I don't know what to do." "Do I tell people the truth?" "That one of the greatest moments in American history has been a lie?" "That's it." "I have to go ask the one true hero I have left what he thinks I should do." "Ronald Reagan." "But he's dead." "Dead, but not unreachable." "Like Gandalf the Grey when he came back as Gandalf the White!" "Oh, son." "Every day with you is a punch in the nads." "And that's my situation, Mrs. Reagan." "So, I need to know:" "What would Ronnie do?" "Well, let's ask him." ""Medal... back."" "Reagan wants me to give the medal back." "Come on, son!" "When will these idiots leave me alone?" "People coming here all hours of the day wanting to talk to Ronnie." "Why do you keep lying to them?" "You don't get paid to ask questions, Paul." "You're a secret service man." "Now, service me." "Just spoke to the pilot." "We should be landing at the International Olympic Committee Headquarters in Switzerland in a half hour." "So, Roger, you're okay with giving your medal back?" "Look, when Stan first told me, sure, I might've been a tad upset." "But then I decided if the good name of Chex LeMeneux is gonna be tarnished, then let it be Chex LeMeneux who tarnishes it." "Stan, if you would, just let me hold her one last time." "Good-bye, old friend." "I never thought it would end like this." "I always thought I'd end up selling you for meth." "But there's nothing noble about this." "Excuse me, I need to use the restroom before we land." "Uh, uh, I don't want you to take the medal in there." "I know you don't wash your hands." "You don't have to every single time." "The only time my hands get dirty is when I drop my sandwich in the toilet bowl." "I'm surprised at Roger's attitude." "I was, too." "I think he genuinely feels bad about this whole thing." "He can't ever totally make up for what he did, but it seems like he wants to try." "He finally seems to understand the difference between right and wrong." "Roger?" "Roger, where are you?" "!" "We have to push on if we're gonna make it to the I.O.C." "Reagan wants me to return the medal, and that's what we're going to do." "But Roger?" "If he survived, he'll meet us there." "If he didn't, he'd still want us to make things right." "Shouldn't we spend at least two minutes looking for him?" "The Smitheses takes the precious from us." "Precious is ourses." "Oh, what a beautiful ringses." "Wait, this turns people invisible?" "Who needs to be invisible in the middle of nowhere?" "Where were you when I farted at Danny's wedding?" "You having a good time?" "You enjoy that funnel cake I got you?" "So, I'm trying to give up soda." "It is hard, my Lord, it is hard!" "Listen, thanks for this, but I'm pretty tired, I'm gonna go." "Hey!" "Yo, man, apologize to the lady!" "Reginald, it's okay, just let it go." "Check your skank, you tiny marsupial!" "Hold my chain." "Yeah!" "Ooh, have some!" "Say you're sorry to the lady." "I'm sorry." "Say it so all these nice people can hear you." "I'm sorry!" "Whoo!" "All right!" "Wow, no one's ever stood up for me like that before." "No?" "Well, it's not easy to beat down a fool and still look..." "* Cute as a button. *" "Master wants to take the Precious from us." "You mean the medal?" "He plans to destroy our precious!" "Okay, first of all, say it, don't spray it." "Second, I agree with you." "We must kills Master and gets the precious back." "Wow, look at you!" "You are brassy." "We leads them through the tunnel to the jugenherberger." "She likes to drink the nectar." "When they go in, they won't comes back out!" "Roger, you're alive!" "What happened to your hair?" "What?" "Nothing." "It burned off in the crash." "I like it." "Do you like it?" "No." "It looks really bad." "Well, you." "Hey, how crazy was that plane crash, huh?" "Luckily no one died but the pilot." "What happened to you?" "Well, landed in a tree, was impaled on a branch, pulled it out, turned it into my walking stick." "Very proud of that." "Lost it-- devastated." "And here we are." "Luckily, I know this mountain from all my I.O.C. ski trips." "In fact, I know a shortcut to the top." "Fantastic!" "That's great, Roger!" "They goes up, but they won't comes back down." "What did you say?" "I asked if you wanted to buy some weed." "I said it in a weird voice so your dad wouldn't hear." "But now he did." "So, you blew the deal." "It was good weed, Steveses." "It's just through here!" "Roger?" "Something's not right." "Shh, listen!" "It's coming from up there." "He'll never escape her clutches." "Where are we?" "The youth hostel, silly!" "Yes, we are dancing!" "Wonderful!" "I am Olga." "Welcome to my jugenherberger." "I will make you drink so much, you will never want to leave this place." "No, no, I need my wits." "And now, Hachenscherflaggenschlager." "The precious is mine, mine!" "He... betrayed me." "It's over." "He's won." "Circa 1980 Ronald Reagan!" "Don't give up, Stan." "You must take the medal to the I.O.C." "and destroy it by throwing it into the Olympic torch." "I won't let you down." "Wow, look at me, talking to my hero." "This could not possibly get any better." "Oh, no?" "How about sharing a Nathan's hot dog with the Gipper?" "When I wake up, there'd better not be a weiner slapping me in the face." "Get up!" "The time for beer bongs is now!" "You lying, thieving, cheater!" "You're going to get what you deserve!" "Where do they keep the British tourist girls?" "Look, girls, a present!" "No!" "They're so horny-y-y-y!" "So, we're at the restaurant, and Ian plucks a hair out of my head and puts it in the spaghetti to try to get us a free meal." "You know what the problem is?" "You dating a boy." "What you need to be doing is dating a grown-ass man." "Well, it's late." "I better head home." "Good night, Hayley." "Good night, Reggie." "I had a great time tonight." "Whoa, girl, that's the cognac talking." "I'm all up in your head right now." "You're a little bit excited, you saw Reggie get a little loose today." "I know what I'm doing." "Hayley, I'm seeing someone." "Oh, you-you never mentioned that." "I didn't think it was relevant." "We were hanging out as friends." "Look, do I know if it's going to work out with my lady friend?" "No, I don't." "But I have to respect Rhonda." "If I didn't, I'd be just like those boys you run around with down at the school yard." "Wow, that's really honorable." "She's a lucky lady." "But I want you to know two things." "I sleep with my door unlocked, and this just happened." "Whoo!" "She got the drop on old Reggie." "Caught those full in the face." "Those were guns, Reggie be dead." "There it is!" "No!" "Precious is mine!" "Yeah, so, that's not real fire." "It's a fan blowing luminescent plastic strips." "Hey, what you guys doing?" "Sir, brace yourself." "I have some sad and shocking information about the 1980 men's U. S. Hockey Team." "I have discovered that one of the players was on steroids." "Which is why I've brought this back to you." "We didn't earn it and we don't deserve it." "Yeah, I'm not taking that." "What?" "Huh?" "Yay!" "Listen, man, we're the Winter Olympics." "No one gives a crap about us." "The Miracle on Ice franchise keeps the lights on in this place." "But Ronald Reagan himself told me to come here and return this." "Oh, Reagan knew about the steroids." "He did?" "Oh, yeah." "But he also knew how huge that victory was for the U.S., so he "persuaded" us to look the other way." "That's why we have the Ron Reagan Memorial Hot Tub." "Get your asses in this tub right now!" "I can't believe it." "Both my heroes betrayed me." "Oh, Dad, Reagan and the hockey team made mistakes just like we all do." "But the good they did still inspired you to become who you are today." "It's okay to have heroes." "Just don't follow and worship them blindly." "Yeah, I suppose heroes are just normal people who..." "Oh, !" "Roger, what did you do that for?" "!" "You already have the medal!" "I don't know." "They did it in the movie." "I mean, if we're gonna go for it, let's go for it."