"We're in the Glasshouse Hotel in Edinburgh, and bizarrely this hotel is right next door to the theatre." "If we walked from the front of this hotel to the venue," " it would take about ten seconds." " (Man) Yeah." "But unfortunately everybody's arriving now cos it's quarter to seven, so we've got this back route." "Thank you." "Which is quite exciting." "You know?" "You know like in films where they run through the kitchen, someone holding a gun, it feels a bit like that." "And, erm, we kind of..." "Thank you." "We're gonna end up going round the back." " Minus..." " Minus five, yeah." "So are you here to make sure he doesn't get mobbed?" " Yeah, just show him the way." " (David) So I don't get raped." " Raped and pillaged." " (Laughs)" "So far, no one's made an attempt, have they?" " We've been wishing for it, but..." " Yeah, no." "(David) No, it's just so I don't get lost, really." "I just go quite quiet because I'm just trying to control my anxiety." "I get anxious about meeting people afterwards because I'm gonna let them down." "Hello." "Do you know what I mean?" "You think, "I hope I live up to their expectations."" "They want you to be really funny, and sometimes you're..." " (Man) What do you mean?" " Cos people have just seen you on stage and they've been laughing and enjoying you, and, I dunno, and afterwards you're just quite tired, sitting there signing autographs and I just feel like people are disappointed that I'm not still in character or something." "At what point between..." "Where are we, April now and you doing the swim in july, what point will you learn to swim?" "Have they given you swimming lessons?" "Have you gone into the water yet?" "No, I don't know how to swim yet, so..." "I've got to first learn how to swim." "I remember at primary school when you used to get certificates there was a little fat girl who was given a five-metres swimming certificate." "We used to have a thing at my school, in my junior school, when you'd have different races, and one of the races was the wade, which was for people who couldn't swim and they just waded across the water." "Which was quite nice, so no one got left out." "If you really couldn't swim, you waded across." "I won the glide." "Didn't you love the glide?" " What's the glide?" " The glide!" "It's that." " Oh, what, the dive?" " No." "It's like you're in the water, you kick off, and then you do that." " And see how far you can go?" " Yeah, without... (Gasps) ...doing that." " I seem to remember that." "I won the glide." " What is your greatest fear about it?" " Failing." "Failing publicly." "And then people not realising that it was really hard and thinking that I'm just some sort of fool who didn't put effort in." "I remember when we met the man who's swum it 804 times." " What, has he done it 30..." " Quite a lot of times." "Yeah." "He was talking about what he was eating on it, and it was always soup, he was telling me." "Well, us." "And he was saying, "I had a bit of oxtail, then an hour later I'd have some mulligatawny," ""then I'd have some Scotch broth."" "I thought, "Was swimming the Channel just an opportunity to have old-fashioned soups? "" "Cos now you'd have Thai chicken." "That would be nice, but it's got to go down quite easily." " Crisps." " No, crisps would be a bad idea." "That's why I think soup." "I don't want to have to chew and digest cos I'm in the water and that's gonna be weird." "Crisps is a bad idea cos you need two hands to open the packet." "Will you be stopping for a wee at any point?" "I think you just have to hold on and hope that you don't need to go." "But I'll have cameras on me - what if I need a poo at some point?" "I mean, what do you..." "I mean, I'll have to go." "I'll have to say, "Can you stop filming for a second? " because people don't need to see that." "A wee you could do and blame it on the fish." " Yeah." " But a poo..." "A poo would be awfully embarrassing, wouldn't it?" "Especially if it follows you around." "Well, you do have to... (Laughs)" "You were probably there, Matt, when we were having the discussion with Kevin" " in Ethiopia." " Yeah." "Cos Kevin just sort of said something like, "Is there anything you've ever wanted to do? "" "And I said, "Swim the Channel." And he goes, "You can do it next year for Sports Relief."" " And I hadn't really had the time to..." " I was thinking," ""Bet he wishes he hadn't said that."" "Why didn't I say something like, "Meet Helena Christensen"?" "Which is something I would really like." " In fact, much more than swim the Channel." " Yeah." ""I would like to meet and make love to Helena Christensen, Kevin."" ""You can do it next year for Sports Relief."" "You know for next time, don't you?" "Do you find you start to slip into character when the wig's going on?" "No. (Laughs) Never." "Well, I would if I was filming, but doing this show's quite different." "It's broader strokes, in a way." "So, I don't really..." "It's kind of weird, cos in this show you've got to go from one character to another in five seconds so the whole idea of getting into character is quite different to how you would be if you were filming it." "Goodbye, fans." "(# Little Britain theme)" "Beautiful, isn't it?" "(David) Can you stop thinking about it for the next two minutes?" "(Matt) Yeah, it's all right, OK." "Hi." " (Man) How was the crowd, David?" " It was great." "Manchester, Friday night." "Fantastic." "They really enjoyed it, I think." "They were very appreciative." "And it's good, cos when they're laughing, it makes you feel funny, and then you sort of are funnier." "If no one's laughing you feel very unfunny." "It's weird." "Anyway... (Man) Must be your worst nightmare, isn't it, no one laughing?" "Yeah." "But no, I really enjoyed tonight." "(Seagulls crying)" "(Matt) Did you hear that Disney World has been closed down?" " (Man) No." " Yes, it's true." "Health and safety found a five-foot mouse running around." " See, that's why we don't really tell jokes." " (Man laughs)" "I mean, just to put this into perspective, viewer, it's freezing on this boat, it's really cold." "It's a beautiful day, no complaints, here we are in sunny Brighton, it's fantastic, but it's very, very cold, and I can't really feel my face very much." "So what it must be like for them, I don't know." "Cold." "Well, I do know - cold, is what I'm saying." "Very, very cold." "(Man) So how well do you know David?" "I've met him three times, quite a big fan, actually." "Er..." "Well, me and Dave met in 1990, and we've been writing together and working together since '94." "So, er, we have a sort of... probably quite a brotherly relationship, in a way." "David is an incredibly disciplined person, incredibly determined, and when we write, he's the guy who's very good at driving it, "Come on, come on."" "He's always very punctual and very organised and he's, like I say, he's very disciplined and determined." "So if anybody could pull this off I think it could be him." "Oh, I've just thought of a funny idea." "Have you got a pen?" "I just wanted to write down a..." "Got a pen?" "just completely self-absorbed." "just completely wrapped up in that." "What about me?" "I thought of something funny, I wanna write it down." "He's just, "Ooh, swimming."" "(Man) I could see him as the next James Bond." "He'd make a great James Bond, would David." "He's always been interested in the james Bond." "He's always had the... seen all the films, got all the DVDs or videos and the books on it." "So he could enter Mastermind, and his subject james Bond, and I'm sure he'd get... (Man) So he quietly fancies becoming james Bond?" " Well, I..." " I don't know whether he does." " I think..." " We'd like him to be james Bond." "We'd love him to be, I'd love him to be the new james Bond." " Bring it on." " Bring it on, sir." "(David) Hello." "(Man) Good morning." " (David) There he is." " Hello, I'm Mike." " (David) David." "How are you?" " Very well." "How are you?" " Why have I got to get into cold water?" " (Laughter)" "Is there some reason for this?" "(David) Are the rubber ducks in there to make it nicer?" "(Man) Thought you'd be pleased." "(David) Yeah, well, that'd be lovely." "If you're a very proficient swimmer in an indoor pool, that counts for nothing when you get into cold water." "Your performance is just absolutely destroyed" " by the impact of cold on nerves and muscle." " Yep." "The average response is the inability to control your breathing." "A wave comes across and you're breathing away at 66 breaths per minute, the chances of you taking water in and drowning are significant." "You're happy, you know what's gonna happen?" "You know what these are?" "I wouldn't say I'm happy but I know what's gonna happen." "How do you feel, David?" "Well, I like all the attention, until I've got to get in there." "I feel like I'm in the credits for, like, Six Million Dollar Man or something like that." " You know what I mean?" " (Steady beeping)" "This is the medical emergency kit." "When we go into very cold water, the potential for death is really very high." "I mean, there's a bag full of it here." "What happens is, if his heart stops beating because of the cold, then they're gonna have to restart the heart, and these are the drugs that are gonna help." "(Man) In five, four, three, two, one, go." "Feet in." "Down we go." "Well done, David." "That's good, that's very good." "And here's the period just here where he goes into the water." "You've got a big increase in his heart rate here, shown there." "The heartbeats are coming closer together." "And he's taking big, fast breaths." "That's hyperventilation, that's more ventilation than he needs." "That's pretty dangerous, because if you're in choppy water or you're starting to try and swim, that's when you take in the water that once you get to about 1.5 litres of water, which is not really a very large breath in," "you're at the lethal limit for drowning." "(David) It's actually, oddly, it feels slightly hot." "It feels like burning, slightly." "Well, once you get to the extremes of cold and heat, they do feel quite similar." "OK, let's get David out, then, in two, one..." "That's it." "Well done, up you come." "That's a really good effort." "Well done." "That's got you shivering, anyway, look." " Well done." "There we are." " It wasn't too bad." " That wasn't too bad, was it?" " I wish I wasn't shivering, though." " That makes you feel very uncomfortable." " I just want to be more used to it than that." "The thing about it, once you're in and exercising, the exercise will suppress the shivering." "The interesting thing is, he was only in there five minutes, and if you look at the level of shivering that he had, it was absolutely enormous." "That's five minutes." "He's gonna be out there for 12 to 14 hours." "So that gives you some idea about how cold it's gonna be." "(Man) Shall I move back or should he move forward?" "We begin our journey in the delightful seaside town of Oldhaven, home of the unconvincing transvestites, Emily and Florence." " Morning." " Afternoon." " Two ladies on a bicyclette, that is all." " Not men." " Definitely not men." " Pay no heed!" "They pedal, but the tandem is on a slow-moving track... blah, blah, blah." "Eventually, a house comes into view, the bike stops." " What a delightful afternoon!" " Oh, yes, Florence, there's nothing I enjoy more than cycling on the prom in our ladies' dresses and booties and lace gloves and... shit." "I like to wear some ladies' clothing now and again." " (David) I beg your pardon?" " In fact, I'm wearing some now." "The plumber easily opens his boiler suit to reveal bra, stockings and suspenders." "(Plumber) Well, what do you reckon?" "(Deep) Pervert." "I think it's fine just to be walking, walking, walking, and if we're walking on the spot and the thing's moving, I go, "Nearly there."" " It's stupid, we're not moving." " Why would you stop and say "Nearly there"?" " You don't need it to stop." " I say that because it's a technical thing." "We've said that the thing stops and I don't know why we've written that." " By the way, I like your dress." " Do you?" "Yeah." "You look lovely in it." "Ooh!" "He said I look lovely!" "Oh-ho-ho!" "Oh-ho-ho!" "Oh-ho-ho!" "Oh... (Hacking cough)" "(Gruff) It's all right, flob it out, yeah?" "Good man." "Pardonnez-moi. (Giggles)" " It's all right, I know the game, guys." " I'm sorry?" "Yeah, I like to wear ladies' clothing now and then." "In fact, I'm wearing some right now." "Zzzip." "What do you reckon?" " (Both, deep) Pervert." " Oh." "See, this would be fine for Matt." "Matt could get in this one." "That's what I was picturing." " Yeah." "We..." " Is it stretchy?" "We should take this back and see if it fits Matt." "If it does..." "I mean, it'll fit him in some way, won't it?" "It's not that tight." "Is it in two pieces?" "Or is it in one?" "It's got a kind of lined..." "It is, it's attached to that." "I don't know if it'll fit." " You can try, can't you?" " Might do, but... (Man) What do you think of it, David?" "Quite like it." "I've always said I quite like dressing in women's clothes, so I quite like it." "Well, you know, I feel quite comfortable, it feels quite nice." "It's not like a pervy thing, it's just nice." "It's just the fabrics, women's fabric, you know, the silks and... they just feel nice so close to the skin." "(Women laughing)" "But I wouldn't like to wear one of those..." "you know, a G-string." " Have you never tried a G-string?" " Ooh, no, a G-strong?" "Some of our final gigs we're doing, we're doing three nights at Nottingham Arena and the final one isn't sold out, so it's about us trying to sell the tickets." "OK." "So..." "He's always out on the town, forever in the newspapers and magazines, do you enjoy that?" "I like it cos then I can see what he's been up to." "Oh, he's been out with Edwina Currie this week." "Oh, he's been out with Baroness Thatcher that week." "Who's he dating now?" "So, I like it cos I can catch up with it." "Well, the funniest ones were, Martine McCutcheon I was once dating though I'd never met her, which I quite like." "And it said, "His previous girlfriends include Kate Moss."" "I thought, "Ooh, I've done well." "I didn't realise that."" " Am I OK to..." " Yeah, sure." "Nottingham tonight." "Who are your favourite characters to play?" "Which comedians do you like working with?" "Do you ever look back and think, "That was a bit close," or feel like you went too far?" "I think if it's still funny, it's all right." "What better note to finish on than Will Young?" " Will Young's trousers being pulled down." " Thank you." " It's lovely to meet you." " Nice to meet you too." "They don't quite pick up on what you've just said." "You just go, "Oh, we pulled Will Young's trousers down." "OK, thank you! "" " (Knock on door)" " Have we cleared the Dictaphone away yet?" "Has it been found?" " The Dictaphone's still there?" " Still running." "Ignore everything that's been said now that you've left the room." " (Woman) Cheers, guys, thank you." " Cheers, bye-bye." "Oh, my God, that's awful." "Oh, my God, that's awful, cos I've just slagged her off." "(Laughs) Oh dear." "(Laughs) That is quite funny, innit?" "You've got to laugh." "(Matt chuckles)" " (Chatter) - (David) This is the best bit." " No, the best bit's to come yet, mate." " The what?" "Best bit's to come yet, we've got to have the cameras off." "What's the best bit?" "Where will you be greasing?" " Between the legs?" " Yeah." "So can you lift your bits up, please?" "That's it." "That's my boy." "Can I have a bit more there, please?" "I do get quite a lot of chafing there." "OK." "(Laughter)" "Oh, dear." "What we do for Sport Relief, eh?" "That's right." "Come on, let's raise a lot of money." " That'll be all right." "OK?" " Thank you very much." "(Woman) Are you ready to order food?" "I think so." "What, erm... what, erm..." "flavour milkshakes have you got?" "We've got chocolate, strawberry, vanilla." "We can do banana as well." "We want potato wedges with cheese, Professor?" "Yes, indeed." "Lots of cheese, if we can." "Right, OK." "Am I gonna get very fat?" " No, and..." " Cos I'm gonna be in my trunks, you see, in front of millions of people, I don't want to look too fat." "There's absolutely no chance of getting that fat." "Because the training load is so high, it's gonna be a real struggle to put any fat on." "But in general, the successful open-water swimmers do tend to carry some fat or a lot of fat." " The fatties." " The fatties." " The big fat fatties." " But importantly as well, they're more buoyant as well, so with fat comes buoyancy, so you get a better body position." "So everything you put in your mouth is gonna be a bonus when you're crossing the channel." " Not everything." " Not..." "Well..." "You keep that to yourself. (Laughs)" " Sorry, that was for you, wasn't it?" " Thank you very much." " Now it begins." " Oh, God." " This is quite thick." " This is pretty thick." " Whoo." " That is nice, isn't it?" "It's got some calories in there." " Bison burger." " Lovely, thank you." "Full rack of ribs" "(Sizzling)" "Avoid the bread, avoid the salad." "Basically avoid anything that's good for you." "Mmm." "The ribs themselves carry quite a lot of fat, there's not a lot of meat on there." "That's disgusting." "That is disgusting." "(Laughing)" "Look at these." "Phew." "Chocolate mousse." " That's quite nice." " OK, good, good." " I have a really sweet tooth as well." " Really?" "(Laughter)" "(Photographer) Looking at each other for a bit." "That's it." "(Man laughs)" "I feel that hopefully, I thought, "This is a big, dramatic thing."" "You've never really seen anybody kind of off the telly attempt something quite as stupid as this." "So I'm hoping that people go, "OK, must be something important,"" "and then give some money." "They didn't tell me all the bad bits at once." "Like, the middle of the Channel, there's loads of sewage." "I only was told that after six months of training." "If they'd told me straightaway, I might have gone, "Ooh, I won't bother."" " Are you not a fan of poo?" " No. (Laughs)" "I like it in comedy, but not..." "Greg said I might have a bit of Mars bar occasionally." "Well, can I recommend..." "I like a Topic." "Erm, Twix is nice." "Erm, MS do these wonderful little chocolate éclair sweets." " Oh, yes." " Which are delightful." "Or something that lasts a long time, like a Murray Mint." "A bonbon." "A Channel bonbon." "No, so, it's quite hard to actually eat when you're treading water." " jolly Ranchers, they're nice." " Yeah." "Are you worried about jaws?" "I'm not, because there hasn't been a great white shark in the Channel, so I think I'll be all right." "There'll be lots of jellyfish." "So I might have to get stung by that." "It's not gonna be very pleasant." "It's gonna be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life." "Yeah, so, erm... this is it, it's like nine o'clock the night before." "So in six and a half hours, erm... gotta start getting ready to do it." "And I'm actually quite excited now, actually." " I'm quite elated." " (Mobile phone beeps)" "That's, erm, one of my showbiz pals texting me to wish me luck." "I hope it's someone famous." "Richard Madeley." "So the nerves have gone now?" "Well, I'm nervous, but they've turned into excited nerves, you know, now." "I was just horrible waiting, but now I know it's gotta happen," "I've gotta do it, so, you know, I just need to get ready, and... pack my bag and go and do it and then this whole nightmare will be over." "(Laughs)" "(Sighs)"