"[Indistinct speaking over telephone]" "[Sighs] Yes, I understand." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "Who's mom talking to?" "I don't know, but her forehead vein is working overtime." "Okay, well, it sounds lovely, but I have to think about it." "I got to go." "I'm stirring the sauce, ma." "You have a friend named "ma"?" "No." "That was your grandma." "But grandma's dad's mom." "This is your other grandma." "Grandma has a sister?" "No!" "It's my mom!" "Both:" "You have a mom?" "!" "[Laughing] Yes." "Don't you guys remember grandma Janet?" "Oh, is she the one you said went off to live on a farm where she could roam free with all the other grandmas?" "A proud parenting moment, Deborah." "Oh, zip it." "Like you're gonna be such a good parent." "Another proud parenting moment." "Okay, the reason that we don't spend so much time with grandma Janet is because she wasn't the best mom to me when I was growing up." "Marty:" "What'd she want this time?" "She got a timeshare from Bruce in her latest divorce, and she wants us to come to San Diego and meet her special new friend." "I heard a rumor that in San Diego it's three hours earlier!" "We got to get these kids out of Jersey." "Mm." "I sure would like to meet my other grandma." "Buenas noches, Weavers." "Hey, guys." "We're actually in the middle of dinner right now." "I'm doing terrible." "Thanks for asking." "I just pulled a double shift at Salsa Castle." "It was hella loco." "And I'm pretty much single-handedly keeping the coffee shop afloat." "Working in the food industry is nothing like "two guys, a girl and a pizza place."" "If only there was something that existed to help us relax." "Yes." "A socially acceptable opportunity to get away from it all for, say, one to two weeks a year with the understanding that you'd then return to work refreshed and recharged, thus actually improving productivity." "Okay, well, what you guys are describing is called a vacation." "And it just so happens that this family is gonna be going on one." "We are?" "Yeah!" "The kids deserve to know their grandma, and we all deserve a little rr." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yay!" "Wait." "Why are you guys cheering?" "'Cause we're coming, too.." "No, you're not gonna go with..." "You know what?" "That might not be such a bad idea." "The more bodies, the less time I have to spend alone with my mom and her new special friend." "So, what do you say, guys?" "You want to be our alien buffers?" "We'd be honored." "Max:" "Wait a second." "When you said my hamster, ace, went off to live on a farm, does that really mean he's in San Diego, too?" "Oh, no." "He's dead, buddy." "When does your parenting book come out?" "[Slurps]" "?" "♪ We came from outer space and settled in New Jersey ♪" "♪ we took names like Larry Bird and Jackie Joyner-Kersee ♪" "♪ then the humans moved next door ♪" "♪ started testing all our limits ♪" "♪ so sit right down, enjoy the show ♪" "♪ we'll be done in 30 minutes ♪" "Darling, this vacation is a mistake." "Packing is so stressful." "Obviously, I need my pale pink, my medium pink, my dark pink, and my dark-medium pink shirts, but then I won't have room for my crocs." "Don't overthink it, cinnabun." "We're only going for a few days." "I've just packed my flowiest dresses and some sensible stilettos." "Okay, that's the shirt suitcase." "Now for the pants." " Hey, sweetie." " Hey." "Don't forget your bathing suit." "The ocean in California is, like, the perfect temp." "Um, nope." "Abby Weaver does not do ocean." "What are you talking about?" "The year... 2010." "The victim..." "Marty Weaver, pulled away by a vicious current." "The hero..." "A lifeguard named Jasper who has to kiss dad on the mouth to keep him from dying." "[Sighs]" "You remember that?" "You kissed Amber's first crush." "It's kind of burned in my brain." "I'm never going in the ocean as long as I live." "I didn't kiss him." "Yes, you did." "Okay, just finish packing." "[Sighs heavily]" "I feel terrible that I have to leave Jane to go on vacation with my ex." "Let's send her a picture of us packing." "[Squeals]" ""Missing you already."" "Sad face, heart, airplane." "This is a nightmare." "No." "A nightmare is what the harsh call sun is going to do to the butkus' creamy white shell." "Man:" "You accept what is beyond your control." ""I accept what is beyond my control."" "Mom, the last thing I need is to be stuck on vacation with Reggie, listening to my ex talk about his new girlfriend." "Not that I want to be with Reggie." "I've got my own stuff going on." "Don't make me go." ""I accept what I cannot change."" "Oh, God!" "Did you hear anything I just said?" "No!" "I was listening to my self-help book." "It's about accepting people as they are, flaws and all." "So I should accept the fact that I have a mother who's making me go on vacation with my ex, even though it constitutes cruel and unusual punishment." "Oh, sweetie, if you think that's cruel and unusual punishment, wait till grandma tries to do a body shot off of you." "["Holiday road" plays]" "Larry:" "Keep it moving!" "Move out of the aisles!" "Luggage up!" "Bodies in!" "Excuse me, sir." "I can't believe they took my medium-hold pomade." "Those animals." "Where will we put our legs?" "This is savage!" "Everyone has their own tray table." "The flight attendants look like daytime talk-show hosts." "This is perfection." "I accept the people I love will disappoint me." "This gon... gonna be the whole..." "The whole ride?" "I mean, it's okay." "It's totally cool." "I'm just..." "I'm asking..." "The whole ride?" "[Chuckles] Jane is so funny." "[Cellphone beeps] Oh, that's just the guy I'm seeing..." "Zak." "Great." "College guy?" "Mm-hmm." "[Laughs]" "Classic Zak." "Will you get my back?" "Dick, we're inside. that you can never have enough sunscreen, and homegirl looks like a porcelain doll." "Wife, this was a huge mistake." "Vacations are full of new things I hate." "Husband, vacations are for letting go." "Oh, look!" ""Leave the stress of work behind with a relaxing couple's massage at the Cortez spa."" "That sounds fantastic." "Miss!" "I can't fasten my tummy rope!" "A-and... and my wife and I would like to move to the front." "I don't know if you've noticed it, but the seats are much bigger up there." " And who the hell are you?" "!" " I'm 8c." "That's a ridiculous name." "And you're not sitting there!" "Tell her, plane slave!" "Sorry, 8c." "I think you might have to go." "Janet:" "Sweetie!" "Debbie:" "Oh!" "Hey!" " Oh, come in." "Come in." "Come in." " Hey, Janet!" "[Laughing] Hi." "You look terrific." "Oh!" "Oh, Abby, you're so blond!" "[Chuckles] Amber, you grew boobs." " Ma, please!" " Lighten up." "It's a compliment." "[Chuckles] Hi." "Hello." "Come in." "Hi." "Hi." "Ah, hello." "[Door closes]" "These are your neighbors?" "And you must be Debbie's estranged, slutty mother." "A pleasure." "Okay, so..." "I'd like you all to meet my new special friend." "Benjamin, sweetie, they're here!" "I accept you." "I accept this, no exceptions." "Hi." "I'm Benjamin." "Debbie, meet your new brother." "I'm Debbie Weaver." "Nice to meet you." "Debbie:" "Mom, I don't understand this." "Well, this is Benjamin." "He's 10 years old, and I adopted him four months ago." "Together:" "Hi, Benjamin." "Are these my new cousins?" "Well, technically, you're their new Uncle." "Hi." "I'm your Uncle." "Want to see my toys?" "Lead the way, Uncle Ben." " [Gasps] Did he just call him..." " Yep." " Like the..." " Rice guy, yes." "[Sighs] Mom, when did you..." "Why did you..." "What government let you..." "I knew this was gonna be something of a shock." "That's why I wanted to tell you in person." "You may not know this, but I wasn't exactly a picture-perfect mother when Debbie was growing up." "Larry:" "Oops." "Was that an elephant I heard walking into the room?" "Well, I'm different now." "When I divorced Bruce, I gave up smoking," "I started spinning, I gave up gluten, and..." "Voilà !" "..." "I was reborn." "Mm, yeah." "She also told me she was reborn the morning after she met Charles Barkley, and by "met" I mean..." " Yep, got it." " Okay." "But I knew that there was still something missing." "So, I adopted your Uncle Benjamin." "Oh, my God." "Marty, hallway, now." "Larry:" "Ugh!" "These outfits are so itchy." "This Tommy from Bahama is a sadist." "Where are you all from, exactly?" " New Jersey." " New Jersey." " New Jersey." "[High-pitched voice] Nice!" "We're learning!" "Janet, sweetie, you're all out of sunscreen." "That is a human child!" "She has no right to ruin his life!" "Okay, but..." "This is the same woman who spiked the punch at my sweet 16 to get the shy kids dancing." " All right, but..." " The same woman who met not one, but two members of journey," " and by "met," I mean..." " We all know what you mean!" "Please stop doing those." "Please." "Look, maybe you're right, okay?" "Maybe your mother's still that wild party girl she always was." "[Scoffs]" "But our kids want to know their grandmother." "All right?" "So let's just take a deep breath." "[Inhales deeply] All right?" "[Exhales slowly]" "We'll go change into our bathing suits, and we'll go get to know your, uh, new, um..." "Your new brother." "Fine." "I'll go change." "I'm proud of you." "[Sighs]" "But I am gonna prove that my mother hasn't changed." "You just watch." "And now I'm less proud." "[Inhales sharply]" "Awesome sand hole, Max!" "Thanks, Uncle Ben." "Sweetie, just call him "Ben"!" "Max, get my back." "I just got your back, Dick." "I can't keep getting your back." "I feel good, Debbie." "For the first time in my life," "I feel like I'm doing stuff right." "Yeah." "Speaking of doing things right, what do you say we blow off these kids for a while and hit the beach bar?" "[Laughs] Huh?" "Come on... you and me." "Tempting." " Old times?" " Tempting..." "But I'm sober now." "Mom, look at our hole!" "[Laughing] Oh, that is awesome!" "Let me in here." "Hey, butterfly shake." "Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh." "Deborah, get my back." "[Janet giggles]" "[Sea gulls squawking]" "Whee!" "You see?" "I don't know about this." "It's not bad!" "Look, we're just gonna put your toes in, all right?" "I got your hand." "Come on." "We're not gonna swim or anything, right?" "No, we're just gonna feel the waves on our feet." "Okay, here it comes." "You ready?" "Right now." "Ah!" "[Laughing] It's cold." "This actually isn't so bad." "Right!" "You see?" "The ocean is just a wonder..." "Ow!" "Ohh!" "Aah!" "Broken shell, broken shell." " Aah!" " No, no, no!" "I am not doing this anymore!" "Wait!" "A-Abby?" "Abby!" "[Cellphone beeping]" "[Breathing heavily]" "Hey." "I'm just looking for a, um..." "Cool rock..." "To bring to zak." "Oh, well, I'm trying to find... seashells to make Jane a necklace." "Good call." "The last person to wear a seashell necklace was David Cassidy." "I'm sure she'll love your timely gift." "And I'm sure zak will love his fantastic memento..." "The cool rock." "[Soft, instrumental music plays]" "Oh." "Oh, yes." "Husband, this is exactly what you needed to learn how to enjoy the vacation." "Sir, I can't massage you if you won't let me touch you." "You've been giving oiled-up rubdowns to randos all morning." "I'd be safer rubbing my body with raw chicken!" "Husband, just let the woman do her job." "This feels amaz..." "Ooh, yes." "Sir, if you could just let me pull this back." "Get off!" " Just relax." " Wife!" "[Groans] Just relax." "Lady, let..." " Please?" " ..." "Go of it!" "Wife, sheet up!" " What?" "Larry:" "We're leaving!" "These women are perverted." "I don't know what your game is, sister, but I'm not playing!" "[Ben giggles]" "Careful on the dock, champ." "Thanks, Uncle Ben." "You're gonna be fine, sweetie." "The boat doesn't even leave the dock." " Seriously?" " It's a vintage boat." "We enjoy the view and drink iced tea." "It sounds lovely." "Ugh." "Oh, really." "Every time I think vacation can't get any more stupid, more vacation happens and proves me wrong." "That's it, Larry bird." "I'm sick of your attitude..." "Airplanes are death traps and massage parlors are slut houses." "I get that you can't handle being out of your element for three days, but some of us need this weekend." "There's no reception." "Jane's gonna be so worried." "We've been texting each other every 15 minutes on the 15." "God, it's weird that you guys wait so long in between texts." "Zak and I text each other every 10 on the 10." "We're like traffic updates, but hot." "I wonder if there's cell reception on the upper deck." "There's an upper deck?" "[Soft jazz music playing]" "The bartender's eyeing you." "I'm sure he'd meet you in the bathroom if you offered to..." "All right, enough, Debbie." "Enough." "I know what you're trying to do." "Why can't you just accept that I've changed?" "Because you don't change." "I've been fooled before." "We both know that before long you're gonna get tired of Benjamin just like you get tired of everything else." "Any day now, you are gonna decide to give him back." "You're gonna give me back?" "!" "Oh, sweetie!" "What did she mean, give me back?" "I don't want to go back." "What did I tell you about the first moment I saw you?" "That you knew your whole life had changed forever." "And?" "And that you knew I'd look great in orange." "[Laughs]" "You're stuck with me for life, kid." "You understand?" "Yeah." "[Chuckling] Yeah." "Benjamin, sweetheart, I'm really sorry." "Sometimes adults say things that they don't mean." "My bad." "[Indistinct conversations]" "Hi." "Hey." "Just taking a photo of this tiny drink umbrella to send to Zak." "[Cellphone beeps]" "That's great." "Jane loves umbrellas..." "Big umbrellas, drink umbrellas," "Rihanna umbrellas." "'Ellas, 'ellas." "[Cellphone beeps]" "What are we doing?" "I'm... taking a photo of this umbrella, and you're riffing on umbrellas?" "Maybe... us being friends would go better if we were the kinds of friends that didn't constantly try and prove how great our new relationships are." "Just a hunch." "Oh, thank God." "Deal." "Good." "[Imitating Jerry seinfeld] So, what's the deal with the tiny umbrellas?" "!" "Did you just do Seinfeld?" "[Normal voice] Yup." "That wasn't totally terrible." "[Imitating Jerry seinfeld] And what's the deal with the straw?" "!" "That's really good." "Thank you!" "Abby, could you please come look at the ocean with me?" "I know it's big and unpredictable, but it's also splashy, and it's a lot of fun." "I like splashy." "What else you got?" "[Sighs] Well..." "What else I got is, it would break daddy's heart if I'm the one that kept you from enjoying the ocean because it is my job, as your dad, to give you good memories, not scary ones." "And if I wound up the guy who ruined the ocean for you, well, I-I don't know if I could forgive myself." "So, you got to help me out here." "Cheap trick, dad." "You know my soft spot for father-daughter schmaltz." "So, does that mean we're good?" "[Sighs]" "Let's do this." "All right." "You get me every time." "Husband." "Look, um..." "You're right." "I'm sorry." "Uh, I ruined your time." "I'm terrible at vacation." "Yes, I know." "But I realize it's not your fault." " It's not?" " No, you're the supreme leader." "You're used to being in control." "But I have a plan." "I love a plan." "Hi." "Where's Benjamin?" "He's having a farting contest with his nephew." "I didn't mean to hurt his feelings." "I..." "I know." "I know." "[Scoffs]" "It's not fair." "My whole life, I wanted the mom that Benjamin has." "I'm sorry." "I was just so young." "I didn't know what the hell I was doing." "I know it's crazy to adopt at my age, but, you know, I-I love him..." "Just like I love you." "I'm telling you, Debbie," "I don't know how you turned out so great." "I have no idea." "I guess I just thought that it'd be nice if there was one person on this planet that turned out wonderful because of me, instead of in spite of me." "[Sighs]" "Don't screw it up, mom." "I won't." "All right, open your eyes." "We're flying, Jackie!" "I'm doing it!" "I'm vacationing!" "Yes, you are!" "I'm doing it." "I'm almost at the edge of the boat!" "I'm not scared of the ocean!" "I'm vaca..." "Whee!" "[Gasps] Husband!" "[Shrieks]" "I don't know how to swim!" "Larry!" "Husband!" "Jackie, go get a crew member." "Marty!" "Zabvronians are like sponges!" "We just soak up water!" "I got you, Larry!" "I got you!" "Come on!" "Get up!" "[Shouting in distance] Okay, ocean..." "Prepare to get owned." "Marty:" "Get up!" "Get up!" "Dad!" "[Both gasping]" "Hey!" "Ah!" "Thank you, baby!" "You saved us!" "Hey." "All right, we're good." "[Chuckles]" "Larry, did you just pee?" "You didn't?" "Oh!" "Get..." "Abby:" "Daddy and Larry were screaming." "The deck was slippery beneath my feet." "I could feel the cold spray of the sea." "I could sense the waves rising by the second!" "Every part of me said, "turn back, Abby." "Turn back."" "[Gasps]" "Well, I once went swimming in the ocean with Tony danza." "And by "swimming," I mean..." " Oh, we know..." " We know what you mean." " We know." "Husband, your vacation is almost over." "But I love it now." "Peeing on Marty was a real game-changer for me." "I think when I let go of my bladder," "I also let go of my need to be in control." "I'd like to put a three-bedroom house on boardwalk." "You don't have to say how many bedrooms." "Amber, don't tell the thimble how to rule his kingdom." "Well, the thimble is going to have to go without..." "Marvin's garden, because I am buying." "It's not "Marvin's garden." It's "Marvin gardens."" "Why do you always say "Marvin's garden"?" " Is it?" " Yes." "[Imitating Jerry Seinfeld] You always say that!" "Oh, you're so weird." "Thank you." "[Cellphones vibrating, beeping]" "But it's not." "It's one Marvin garden." "Say it." "I'm gonna call it..." "For what it's worth, I think my mom..." "Our mom..." "Is gonna be a really good mom to you." "Thanks." "Listen, I got a few tips for you." "If your mom makes brownies, do not eat them." "Got it." "It is not okay for your mom to sleep until 2:00." "Makes sense." "If a man named Carlos comes to your house, do not let him in." "Who's Carlos?" "He might be my dad." "[Door opens]" "I don't know what happened, but I'm a golden God." "Hi." "Oh." "Hi." "Anyone see you?" "I don't think so." "Are you ready to do this?" "So ready." "We're so bad." "[Chuckles]" "[Squeals]" "[Both exhale sharply]" "[Cellphone beeps]" "We did it." "We've been in the bathroom for an entire mile." "Mile-high club." "[Both squeal]" "[Sighs]" "Want to go again?" "Larry bird!" "You're so naughty." "[Cellphone beeping]" "[Sighs]"