"PAUL:" "The road of life is always under construction." "The journey is hard, but once you reach the top, the view is amazing." "And that view is even more beautiful when you have someone to share it with." "(KNOCKING)" "Mr. Blart." "PAUL:" "For six days." "My beautiful wife of almost a week let me know by letter that she had what I like to call "some regrets."" "Her doctor called it "uncontrollable vomiting."" "Oh, honey." "Her lawyer, "Dissolution of marriage."" "That's okay." "I needed a little time to myself." "Like the song says," ""I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me."" "I spent the next two years losing myself in the sweet escape of keeping the West Orange Pavilion Mall safe." "At least I still had the one thing that never seemed to let me down." "Security." "Are you lost, son?" "Anyway, come with me." "Thank you." "You're very welcome." "Uh, Andy, now give the fake cop a hug." "We're actually, uh..." "We're certified, ma'am." "We, uh, take a test and everything." "It's pretty vigorous." "All right, uh, hug him, Andy." "Well, it was nice to see you, little man." "You know what, ma'am, he doesn't want to give me a hug." "And it's okay." "No, he wants a hug." "I don't think he does." "Hey." "Okay, Andy, hug him." "Honey." "Want to come in?" "Sweetie." "You're embarrassing Mommy." "He doesn't want..." "No, he's not embarrassing me." "He's fine." "Hug him." "He doesn't have to hug me." "Aw... (GROANS) (GASPS)" "I saw white." "I saw white." "I'll get him again, ma'am." "I'll find him." "PAUL:" "And on the home front, I always had Mom." "Oh!" "There's my paper." "(HORN BLARING)" "PAUL:" "That is, until she got drilled by a milk truck." "Didn't know they even had those anymore." "Hmm." "(SIGHS)" "I guess I was the last one to get the memo." "Paul Blart had officially peaked." "Or had I?" ""Congratulations, Officer Blart." ""You have been selected to join..."" ""Congratulations." "You have been accepted to UCLA."" "Maya!" "Come down here!" "I got some great news!" "Me, too!" "Honey, we've been invited to the Security Officers Trade Association Expo and award ceremony in Las Vegas, Nevada!" "Vegas?" "Wow." "Yeah, I think I'm finally being recognized for, you know, getting the mall out of that jam." "Dad, you saved the mall." "They should honor you." "I'm so proud of you." "Thank you." "You know, times have been tough, but no matter what happens, as long as I have you by my side, I'm gonna be okay." "But enough about me." "What's your great news?" "Yeah, um, I just remembered that we have leftover baked ziti." "What a day!" "♪ This is gonna be the best day of my life r My life" "♪ This is gonna be the best day of my life r My life" "♪ This is gonna be This is gonna be" "♪ This is gonna be" "♪ The best day of my life I" "(GROANING)" "Whew!" "(SIGHS)" "Oh, yeah." "All right." "Can I help you with your bags, sir?" "Oh, no." "That's how they get you." "(CHUCKLES)" "I'll be fine on my own, thank you." "No problem, sir." "Lift with the legs." "With the legs." "(GROANING)" "We're moving." "Here we go." "(GROANS)" "Nice little break in the day." "Oh, we're going again." "We're going again." "(GROANING)" "Legs." "Paul Blart?" "Yes, sir." "I thought that was you." "Donna Ericone, Mall of America." "Man, we still talk about your Black Friday save." "Thank you." "I don't know if you heard." "There's gonna be a surprise keynote speaker tonight." "Word on the street, it's gonna be the officer who's gone above and beyond the call of duty." "What?" "I got to be honest, I..." "I had a feeling, but do you really think that, I mean..." "Who else?" "Yeah." "Unless RoboCop walks into the room." "Yeah, I would definitely stand down for RoboCop." "He's not real." "No, I know he's not real, but I would stand down for him." "He ain't real." "Just don't tell anybody I told you." "Told me what?" "About the key..." "You got me." "You done gone and got me." "(LAUGHS)" "(GROANS) That was in the throat." "That was in the throat." "See you tonight." "Yeah, okay." "Roger that, Officer Ericone." "That was straight to the throat." "That didn't even glance off the chest." "It went right up." "MAN:" "May I help the next guest?" "Oh, we're next." "Here we go." "Yes." "Yello-ha!" "Good afternoon." "Welcome to the Wynn Resort." "Checking in." "Absolutely, Mr. Blart." "(CHUCKLES) Mr. Blart." "You're probably thrown by the travel wear." "Actually, it's "officer."" "Okay, sorry about that." "Uh... (CLEARS THROAT) Yes, Officer Blart." "Uh, I see we have you in a partial mountain view, and you requested a bottomless bowl of Peanut MM's." "Yeah, it's strictly medicinal." "(CHUCKLES) Unfortunately, I am cursed with hypoglycemia." "Sugar level drops, so do I." "(WHEEZING LAUGH)" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Uh, your room isn't ready yet." "But you can leave your luggage here, and I will have it delivered to your room." "Dad, I'm starving." "Can we just go get some lunch?" "Hold the mayo." "Hold on a second here." "Uh, you probably didn't know this, Heath, but if you check the Grand Ballroom and see which group is booked there this evening," "I think your tune may change a wee bit." "(KEYBOARD KEYS CLAC KING)" "Mini Kiss." "The cover band." "Yeah, I'm not with them." "Um, is there a manager I could speak with?" "(HISSES) You know, she's not available right now, so..." "You're taking my legs out from under me here." "Is the Terrace Café open for lunch?" "Yes, it is." "I'm out." "(SOFTLY) Bring it in, Heath." "Little tighter, bring it in." "Yes." "Just a little bit closer range." "I can't let this out." "But it seems to be that I'm going to be dehveflng the keynote speech tonight at the security officers' convenfion." "Oh, you know, I think they canceled that." "Um..." "Oh, they didn't." "But it was downsized to Conference Room C." "Nope,F." "(GROANS) Okay, here's a map of the property." "Okay." "There you are." "Thank you." "No, that's yours to keep." "Oh, don't need it." "It's already been scanned." "(BUZZING NOISE) Locked and loaded." "Thank you." "Time for some lunch." "Sir?" "Yeah?" "Your daughter and the restaurant are that way." "Hmm." "Yeah, you had that upside down when I scanned it." "That's why..." "It's on you." "Was I lying about the conch fritters?" "You were not." "They're amazing, with just the right amount of zip." "Oh, yeah, you got to love the zip." "Oh, I do." "I mean, I was born to zip." "♪ I put my hand upon my hip When I zip" "♪ a' You zip a' We zip a'" "(LAUGHTER)" "LANE:" "I can't believe you know that song." "Oh, uh, hey, sir." "You actually forgot your valet ticket." "Thank you." "It's free." "Yeah." "I'm gonna go." "You were born to zip?" "Since when do you use the word "zip"?" "I always use the word "zip."" "I don't like it." "Hipster talk." "Everybody's zipping." "You need to slow it down, young lady." "Look,Dad, you're gonna have to get used to the fact that I'm a big girl now." "Okay, first of all, we're all big." "We're Blarts." "Wide hips, thick ankles and a low center of gravity." "That's how the good Lord made us." "That's why we're no good at running hurdles, and we never will be." "What is that?" "This?" "Oh, it's my..." "My vibrating fork." "It forces me to eat slower." "You think I eat fast at home?" "On vacation, I'm like a cheetah chasing a faster cheetah." "(FORK BUZZES)" "Okay, see?" "Look at that right there." "(SIGHS)" "It's just fuel." "(QUIETLY) It's just fuel." "Oh, here you go." "Mr. Blart." "Shanghafl" "Sorry." "Sorry to startle you, sir." "That's okay." "You just..." "You hit the trip wire is all." "Okay." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Well, I'm Divina Martinez, the hotel's general manager, and I wanted to apologize about the confusion regarding the convention." "And good news, I upgraded your room." "It has a view of the Strip." "It's ready right now, and I wanted to give you the keys personally." "(CHUCKLES)" "Oh, uh, sorry about that." "Although, I must say, you have very soft hands." "(SPUTTERING)" "Air bag!" "Excuse me?" "(SIGHS) I sense what you're doing, Divina." "What am I doing?" "Truthfully, being a bit transparent." "I'm sorry, I don't follow." "(GROANS) Look, I understand it's the 21st century, and a woman can go after hers just like a man." "Dad, I'm pretty sure she wasn't..." "Tadpole, this is grown-up stuff." "Okay?" "Look, I know it takes two to tango, but my dancing shoes are currently out for repair." "Sir, I'm sorry if I..." "Apology not needed." "Just know I'm working my way through a maze of personal fire, and until the flames of chaos subside," "I'm just not ready for public consumption." "I understand, sir." "Have a great stay." "It's not just me, right?" "I mean, she was relentless." "Relentless." "Hola, mi amor." "What troubles you, my pet?" "I just had the strangest exchange with that guy over there." "(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)" "Yeah." "He accused me of hitting on him." "Huh." "Funny." "They say overweight people use humor to achieve affection." "You know what, that makes sense." "(MAN LAUGHS)" "Excuse me, Ms. Martinez?" "Our VIP guest has arrived." "Thank you." "Okay." "Welcome back to Wynn Las Vegas, Mr. Sofel." "We have the accommodations you requested all ready for you." "If you need anything at all, please, don't hesitate to call either myself or our head of security, Mr. Furtillo." "You guys took me for a lot of money on my last visit." "Well, I hope you're able to turn that around this time." "Oh, I plan to." "I got to say, I don't know how this is an upgrade." "I'll tell you what, Maya, you take the bed." "I will take the rollaway." "Dad, this is yourconvenflon." "You can't sleep on the rollaway." "I certainly can, okay?" "I once fell asleep raking leaves." "We'll figure it out later." "I got to get going." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Okay." "Thanks for telling me Victoria's secret." "What do you think you're wearing, younglady?" "Um, a bathing suit?" "Maybe for an elf." "Decorum." "De-cor-um." "I was just going to hang out by the pool." "Yeah, well, not in that, you're not." "(SIGHS) Fine." "Then I'm going exploring." "Hold up." "You got your extra phone battery?" "Yes." "Flashlight?" "Always." "Hot pepper spray?" "Check." "Pocketknife keychain window smasher?" "I do." "Baby road flares?" "Yes, I've got it all!" "One more second here." "There." "(CHIRPS)" "I've set it to monitor, so I can hear everything that's going on." "Oh, no way." "I already feel like a SWAT unit." "Maya!" "Security is a mission." "(SIGHS)" "Not an intermission." "(GROANS)" "Well, let's see if I bankrolled the right NSA agent." "(BEEP S)" "(WHIRRING)" "How's that?" "So far, so good." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Excuse me, guys, uh, but we have a complaint about the noise." "That's why we have you." "Gotta say, Henk, nice uniform." "Right?" "Look at that." "(LAUGHS) Smiley." "You don't want to know what it took to get the real deal." "No, I don't." "Ah, okay." "They've moved several of the pieces in the last few days." "Here's the new locations of all 13." "(BEEPS)" "Perfect." "All right, I want to be in and out inlessthan nine hours, people." "ROBINSON:" "Sync up." "Sync." "VINCENT:" "Let's go!" "(CHEERING)" "Yes, shooter, yes!" "Yeah!" "What's all the hoopla, friend?" "This guy's crushing." "I'm literally running out of room for my chips." "He's on the greatest run I've ever seen!" "Sir, you're gonna have to place a bet if you want to stand at the table." "Oh, I don't know how to play craps, but I'll tell you what," "Lady Luck's certainly been in my corner as of late." "So I am in, okay?" "What do I do?" "Oh, it's easy." "Give me $60." "We'll place the six." "$60." "60 bucks." "Wow, this is exciting." "I got to be honest, very exciting." "Whew!" "Sir, can I get you a drink?" "Oh, uh..." "You know what, how much for a root beer?" "'Cause I'm currently very invested in Mr. Wynn's casino." "Well, actually, it's complimentary." "Complimentary." "I love it!" "Root beers around the horn!" "What do you..." "Just one is fine." "Just one." "MAN:" "Sir, come on." "This table's really hot." "Give me 20 bucks for the hard six." "Okay, $20." "Give me $20 for the hard eight." "$20." "Give me $25 for the horn high yo." "$25." "Give me $20 on the field." "That's all I have." "The field is out there." "No more bets." "All right!" "I've never felt more alive!" "MAN 1:" "Whoo!" "Shooter, come on!" "Number..." "MAN 2:" "Seven out." "Craps." "(ALL GROANING)" "WOMAN:" "Loser!" "MAN 3:" "Fat guy ruined it." "You lost everything." "MAN 4:" "Oh, you suck!" "MAN 2:" "Get your bets down, C and E's, horn bets, high-lows." "Get this game going." "Your root beer, sir." "Thank you." "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)" "Yeah, I would love that." "That's a very good choice." "Nice." "Gold." "(COUPLE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)" "Yeah, exactly." "It was him." "You guys..." "Oh." "Let's go." "MAYA:" "How long have you worked here?" "Not too long." "Uh, is that your dad?" "(SIGHS)" "I wish I could say no right now." "I'll be right back." "(EXASPERATED CHUCKLE)" "D Hey!" "ad?" "See you later, Tom and Rita." "You guys are awesome." "Take care." "I'll see you at the reception." "I'm not gonna go." "I'm not gonna go." "I'm not gonna go." "Dad, are you spying on me?" "Spying?" "No." "No, no, no." "I, uh..." "Dad,youTe embarrassing me!" "I'm sorry you feel that way." "I'll..." "I'll leave you alone." "Please." "MAN:" "Blart!" "Saul Gundermutt, head of the Security Officers Trade Association." "I catch you at a bad time?" "Uh,no.No,no." "It's a pleasure, sir." "Ah, pleasure's mine." "And I just want you to know that I got you sitting at my table tonight." "I got to say, sir, I am just so excited." "I'm gonna be honest, I did hear rumblings." "(CHUCKLES) Rumblings?" "About the keynote." "(LAUGHS) Oh, yeah." "Well, with good reason." "(CHUCKLING) Nick Panero's giving it." "Great guy, great 9W" "Yeah, Nick Panero." "Those..." "Those were the rumblings." "(HOARSELY) That is just terrific." "It really is." "That's..." "I'm so happy." "You know, maybe I could meet him sometime." "Pick his brain..." "Ah!" "Here's your chance." "Blart, Officer Nick Panero and Officer Gino Chizetti." "Hey, Officer Panero." "Hold the applesauce, hotshot." "I heard of you." "Rumor has it you thought you were giving the keynote tonight." "He thought he was giving it." "You thought you were giving it?" "No." "You know what, I never said..." "NICK:" "Man, you gotta stop bringing up that Black Friday thing, Blart." "It was, like, six years ago." "You got to let it go." "I never brought up Black Friday." "I..." "I heard you're pretty good on one of those things." "I've been known to dabble." "I, uh..." "I really shouldn't." "MAN:" "Actually, sir, you can't." "I'll need a valid driver's license if you want to take it for a test drive." "Yeah, I'm all-access, if you'll peep the laminate, okay?" "Let me just nudge her out of whisper mode." "(BEEP)" "Oh..." "Ooh..." "Mmm..." "Okay, well, I see you know your way around a p133." "I do, I do, but this gal's a bit tired." "I got a modified i2 Commuter myself." "Still gonna need a valid license, though." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "How's that?" "Is that valid enough for you?" "(PAUL LAUGHS)" "(HUMMING LIVELY RHYTHM)" "That was pretty valid, huh?" "Oh, yeah." "Please be careful, sir." "It's about weight distribution." "Make sure both your hands are firmly on the grips." "Oh, I guess you wouldn't want me doing this!" "Aah!" "(CHUCKLES)" "Oh!" "Yeah!" "Please don't." "Whoo..." "(BRAKES SQUEALING)" "Oh!" "(LAUGHS) Missed." "Oh!" "SAUL:" "Oh!" "Blart!" "You see that?" "That's not good." "(WHIMPERS)" "(GROANS)" "(WOOZILY) Still got the laminate." "(SEGWAY SPUTTERING)" "Dad, are you okay?" "You should really get checked out." "Pumpkin, my body's fine." "It's my ego that took a hit." "It turns out I'm not giving the keynote tonight." "Well, you know what?" "You should call a cop, because you got robbed." "(CHUCKLES)" "Well, thanks, kitten." "Technically, I don't need a cop." "It's a figure ofspeech, Daddy." "No, no, I know." "I'm just saying, you know, just that cops think they're all that, and I don't like it." "I do not like it." "Oh, boy." "We got a meet-and-greet in 15." "Aah!" "I was wrong!" "The body does hurt." "(GROANING) Ooh, lactic acid!" "(GROANS)" "Honey, you're not even dressed." "Come on." "Hmm..." "As exciting as that sounds," "I think I'm just gonna take a bath and a nap." "I'm kind Of tired." "Oh." "Okay, yeah." "I mean, no, you should, uh..." "You should get some rest." "Well, I'll come back and get you for dinner at Bartolotta, 'cause we got reservations at 6:00." "It's supposed to be the real deal." "Gotcha." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "(DOOR OPENS) Hey,Dad?" "I'm really sorry about the speech." "I'll see you later." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "NICK:" "I got this one guy against the wall." "He's really sweating." "He knows it's over." "Then out of the corner of my eye I see this other guy, and then I turn to him and I say, "Hand over the yogurt."" "it was over that fast." "(SNAPS FINGERS)" "Lights out." "Lights out." "Hey, how much you pay for that belt?" "I don't know." "It was a gift from my daughter." "You got a guy?" "'Cause I got a guy." "No..." "No, I don't have a belt guy." "That's crazy." "What, you don't got a belt guy?" "No, I don't have a belt guy." "Khan Mubi." "Nice to meet." "Khan Mubi." "Nice to meet." "Aw." "(G ROANS) Nice to meet you." "It's been a heck of a day, and that embrace certainly helped." "So thank you." "Oh, first one warmed me up, this one brought it home." "I think you kissed the shoulder." "All right, thank you." "(LAUGHS)" "My pleasure." "Okay." "It's time to go." "It is." "And I think the doors are open, so... (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "Wow!" "What's the latest, friend?" "The Big Sticky Mess." "A grenade launcher that shoots glue foam." "Marbles." "You can't run with these under your feet." "You can't even stand." "The Vitru Sonic Taser renders your assailant incapacitated for five seconds at a time." "(LOUD CLUNK) Ow!" "Hey,paul" "Hey,saul What you got there?" "Oh, it's getting revealed tomorrow at the luncheon." "It's a prototype." "I'm not supposed to show anybody, but since you're into gyro-performance vehicles, take a gander." "Things will never be the same." "(ELECTRONIC DING)" "Oh, no!" "Oh..." "Are you kidding me?" "Oh, great." "WOMAN:" "Are you okay?" "Oh, thank you so much." "(OTHERS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)" "(BEEP)" "Okay, here we go." "Thanks." "See you." "Have a good day." "Hey, check it out, guys." "When you want them to pay the price, you reach for The Finisher." "The most effective non-lethal beanbag firearm on the market today." "Why don't you give it a spin?" "Me?" "Yeah." "It's easy." "(SIGHS) okay" "(CLEARS THROAT';" "(CLEARS THROAT';" "(EXHALES SHARPLY)" "PAUL:" "Laser focus." "(TAKES DEEP BREATH)" "Exhale, pull the trigger." "Predator." "The adjustments are off on the sight." "I can tell, it's a little off here." "That's the problem." "(EDUARDO CHUCKLES)" "Paul Blart, Mall Cop." "Yes, sir?" "Eduardo Furtillo, head of security of Wynn Las Vegas." "Oh." "Pleasure to meet a fellow brother-in-arms." "You know, uh, a fun fact for you, you might not notice, but Mr. Furtillo here, being the head of security, is in a black coat while..." "I'm sorry, son, I didn't get your name." "Jenkins." "...Jenkins is in a purple coat." "See, there's a hierarchy of coat colors based on their security responsibilities." "Black, gray, pine, and then, last, purple." "Sorry, no offense." "You're wearing a polyester shirt with Spanx underneath." "(QUIETLY) Yes." "Good catch." "I see you admiring the non-lethals." "Yeah." "Iguessthey don't trust you with the real stuff, huh?" "(STAMMERING) No, they do, but we choose not to." "I mean, what are you really guarding anyway?" "(CHUCKLES) Cell phone covers and Cinnabon?" "There's also three ATMs and a Dave  Buster's that just is off the hook after 9:00." "Itjust gets crazy." "Huh." "By the way, as a professional courtesy," "I'm happy to keep my eyes peeled for any irregularities while I'm here, so..." "Hey." "Closer." "Hmm?" "Closer." "Since I was named head of security five years ago, we have not had so much as a towel go missing." "Your mother must be very proud of your accomplishments." "Ooh, that got real." "Wow, that was impressive." "Was it me, or did he smell like tobacco and vanilla?" "'Cause I got a..." "I don't know if it's cologne..." "Let's just get some yogurt." "(BEEP)" "Maya?" "Honey, I've been thinking about the menu, and I don't care, I'm going double parm." "So... (KNOCKS)" "Sunshine, you still in the tub?" "Honey?" "Get me security!" "LANE:" "That's so cool, you got into UCLA." "You must be stoked!" "Uh, not really." "I haven't been able to tell my clad." "Why not?" "That's huge!" "Don't you think he'll be excited?" "I don't think he can handle it." "My parents were thrilled when I got my GED." "Wow." "That is so cool your parents support you like that." "Yup." "Third time was the charm." "(LAUGHS)" "I'm not kidding." "Was closer to four, actually." "(ELECTRONIC DING)" "Oh, no." "I got to go." "I was supposed to meet my dad for dinner." "Okay, cool." "Maybe I'll see you later." "Yeah." "I hope so." "Yeah, okay." "My daughter's missing." "She's not answering her phone." "Mr. Blart, I want you to know that we will get to the bottom of this, despite our differences." "(QUIETLY) Differences?" "We need to establish motive." "Do you have a lot of money?" "Define "a lot." I mean, there's..." "Any." "No." "Actually, I don't have a lot, no." "All right, are you an important man?" "Well, you know, that depends who you ask." "I got to be honest." "Could this be some domestic situation?" "Your wife got angry?" "I'm not married." "Your girlfriend found out you..." "No girlfriend, I don't have a girlfriend." "(EXHALES)" "Does anybody love you?" "Yes." "My daughter, and she's been kidnapped." "You know, since she's an adult, normally we're not gonna file a missing persons report till she's gone for at least 24 hours." "Well, let me tell you something." "I've been in the security game for over 16 years, and I've seen things that you would not comprehend." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Understand this." "We are pulling the trigger, boys." "Now, I need you to establish a perimeter and lock down the premises." "(RINGING CONTINUES)" "You going to answer that?" "We're losing precious time!" "This is Officer Blart." "I need to keep this line..." "Hmm?" "(QUIETLY) Yep." "No, no." "Okay." "I see." "Yes." "No, no, I can't..." "I can't... (CLEARS THROAT)" "I can't talk about it right now." "Okay, okay, okay." "Now, we're gonna talk..." "We're gonna talk about it later." "We're gonna talk about..." "I gotta get going- I'm going." "(PEN CLICKS)" "(CLEARS THROAT) Yeah, that was my daughter." "She's calling from the restaurant." "She just..." "She just called." "(STAMMERING) She's good." "(LONG SIGH)" "My agents are highly trained professionals that do not have time to let you play out your little fantasies about being a real cop, Mr. Blart." "Totally understand." "I get it." "Yeah, you're right." "It is Officer Blart." "(QUIET CHUCKLE)" "(DOOR OPENS)" "(DOOR CLOSES)" "Hey,Dad." "I ordered your favorite." "Oh, really?" "Well, you know what?" "I've lost my appetite." "What has gotten into you?" "You lied to me." "You said you were taking a nap." "Well, I was going to, but..." "Mmm, you never called me once." "You leave the bath filled, which could have caused water damage, candles lit, which could have burnt down Las Vegas, Nevada." "I'm sorry." "It's just that Lane invited me to go out to the pool..." "Lane?" "Lane?" "That's what this betrayal's about?" "Chicken Chow Lane?" "Dad, people are looking." "What happened to her, Maya?" "What happened to the pristine girl who could never tell a lie?" "What happened to my little George Washington?" "George Washington?" "He could never tell a lie." "He was full truth in a powdered wig." "I think you're overreacting." "Oh, really?" "And when were you gonna tell me about that?" "Where did you find this?" "Please, Maya," "I'm a highly trained security specialist." "You can't expect to keep secrets from me." "I didn't think I'd get in." "(SIGHS)" "I didn't even know you applied there." "What happened to Central Jersey Applied Technical Junior College?" "We're talking about UCLA here." "Yeah, I thought we were talking about CJATJC." "Dad, you don't understand." "I have a chance to go to California." "Maya, California, it's too far away." "Well, think about it this way." "You could come visit me in the wintertime when it's really cold in Jersey." "Oh, of course I can, if I want some smog on my earthquake flakes!" "You know what?" "I've decided." "I'm going." "Wait, wait." "You just decided?" "Mmm-hmm." "Well, you know what?" "Decision overruled." "Judge Blart now in session!" "I know you've lost a lot lately, and you're scared," "(VOICE BREAKING) but what you're doing right now is so wrong." "I'm going to UCLA." "Uh, Maya, Maya, you get back..." "Maya." "Paul?" "I catch you at a bad time?" "I want you to meet the wife." "Oh!" "Okay." "Nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you, yeah." "Are you here with your wife?" "Uh, daughter." "Oh, yeah." "It's our last trip together before she goes off to college." "(GASPS) Ouch." "Oh..." "Crusher." "Gosh, ours just went last year." "Yeah." "It was just as depressing as Idaho." "Yeah, the silence was unbearable." "I mean, the house was like a cold tomb of loneliness." "Anyway..." "I would get so sad." "Oh, honey." "When you would leave for work..." "Mmm-hmm." "I would just fire up the Sarah McLachlan, walk into her closet and smell the sweaters that she left behind." "(SIGHS)" "(WHISPERS) Yeah, I smell them." "I smell the sweaters." "Well, at least I have this little angel to get me through." "Oh..." "I mean, can you imagine trying to get through it alone?" "No, I couldn't do it." "Oh, could not do it." "I could never do that alone." "Mmm." "I love you." "Love you, too." "Can't wait to meet your wife." "(SLURPS)" "Oh, yeah, that'd be terrific." "Yeah." "Vegas, baby!" "Let's hit the tables!" "(LAUGHS)" "Have her call me if you want to gethernafls done or whatever." "(SIGHING) All right." "VINCENT:" "Problem?" "They've already upgraded the lock on Mr. van Gogh to the dual control." "You said the upgrades weren't scheduled till tomorrow." "Because that is what the security e-mail said." "Now, I do have a guy on the inside who was supposed to alert me if the schedule changed." "Obviously, he didn't." "Options." "We disable both controls at the exact same moment with a thermal lance." "Now, it can be done, but that's gonna push us back." "Okay." "Let's switch out all the other pieces before the rest get upgraded." "Then we can focus on the van Gogh." "It's number one on our buyer's list, and I am not leaving without it." "Everybody listen up." "We're going now." "Now, we're leaving the van Gogh for last, so Nadia will coordinate the new order." "They say Las Vegas has the best security in the world." "Well, we're about to find out." "Bring me your guy on the inside." "NICK:" "What'd I do, huh?" "WOMAN:" "You don't get it." "You just do not get it." "Get what?" "I said you had nice hair and nice teeth." "Officer needs assistance." "WOMAN:" "Don't you get it?" "You smell like peat moss and curry, and I think I'm gonna throw up." "You don't want to go out with me?" "Whoa." "Seems to me like two nice people are trying to board the peace train, but she seems to have derailed." "Look, this hairy, drunk rent-a-cop confused "go away" for "hit on me."" "Hey..." "Ma'am, Officer Panero here, who, in my professional opinion, doesn't seem drunk, has at least three years' training in distress recognition." "I'm sure he sensed that an attractive lady sitting by herself most likely seemed a bit lonely." "So before you retreat behind that wall we all put up, just know that Officer Panero was here for you." "Maybe I overreacted." "And he's giving the keynote tonight." "(MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY)" "Pleasure to be here." "SAUL:" "He's blotto." "Sort of like someone's mother last Columbus Day." "Will you let it go?" "it was a half box of wine." "She's very patriotic." "Well, there's no way Panero can go on." "We need a leader right now that can step up, take the reins and inspire us." "I understand." "I tried contacting Officer Ferguson from TSA, but he must have his phone off." "I mean, my hands are tied." "Paul?" "Can you step up to the plate and save us?" "I'm gonna need my dress whites." "(PHONE BUZZING)" "(SIGHS)" "Oh, come on." "(PHONE CHIRPS)" "(KNOCKING)" "Your uniform, as requested, Officer Blart." "Thank you very much." "Uh..." "Here you go." "Um... lam the general manager of this resort, so I don't take tips." "And I don't normally deliver dry cleaning either, but I just..." "I wanted to clarify that I was not making advances towards you earlier, nor would I, ever." "Look, I understand you have no control over this." "Integrity is a bewitching gumbo, but I'm preparing now, internally, to give the keynote." "So if you don't mind, okay?" "Uh..." "Look, this is crazy." "I..." "I'm actually dating someone." "Oh, please, ma'am, I practically invented the fake boyfriend thing." "What?" "Listen, you have no bearing on my life whatsoever." "Your lip is sweating." "It's sweating." "(BEEP)" "There is an audience out there of security professionals that paid good money to hear you speak." "They want to hear you." "That's not true." "They didn't pay anything, but they do deserve your best." "They deserve it." "They deserve it." "Yeah, come on, man." "Just loosen up, baby, loosen up." "Coming at you!" "I'm gonna be coming." "Bring it to them, bring it to them." "(WINCES) I'm getting tight." "I'm getting tight." "I can't breathe, man." "Oh... (EXHALING LOUDLY)" "(WHEEZING)" "(COUGHING)" "That's orange chicken." "Oh, what am I gonna say?" "What am I gonna say?" "I got to get air." "I got to get air, I got to get air." "I got to get some air." "I got to get air, I got to get air." "(PLAYING SOFT LOUNGE MUSIC)" "Whew." "Whew." "Whew. (SIGHS)" "This is nice." "And pulse back in range." "Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)" "(SIGHS)" "Whew." "Thank you." "(BREATHES DEEPLY)" "(BIRD SQUAWKING)" "Get out of here." "(CLEARS THROAT) Shh." "(SQUAWKING CONTINUES)" "All right." "(CLEARS THROAT) (SQUAWKS)" "Hey!" "Nope,nope, move along." "Get away." "Move along." "(SCREECHES)" "(HISSING)" "Get away from me." "Hefeweizen!" "(HISSING)" "(SCREECHING)" "Get out of here!" "Get out of here." "(GRUNTING)" "(MIMICS HONKING)" "Get out!" "(GRUNTING)" "(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)" "(SCREAMING)" "My God!" "Is there someone you can call?" "Can you help me?" "Can you call backup?" "I hurt my neck, I hurt my neck." "Okay." "(SQUAWKING)" "Hey, thanks for all your help." "(PANTING)" "Oh, there you are." "We're about to announce you." "Okay." "Come on, Maya." "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)" "Oh, thanks." "Cool party." "Whose suite is this?" "The housekeepers are all good friends of mine." "They let me know when the high rollers check out early, so... (PHONE CHIRPS)" "You okay?" "Uh,yeah." "Everything's great." "Oh, uh, I'll be right back." "I got something for you." "I think you're gonna like it." "WOMAN:" "Yeah!" "SAUL:" "Very kind, very kind." "Ladies and gentlemen, I know you're here to see Nick Panero deliver the keynote speech." "However, due to circumstances beyond our control," "(CLEARS THROAT';" "we've had to bring in a different speaker tonight." "(CROWD GROANING)" "Yeah, I know, I'm disappointed, too." "So, instead, how about a nice, warm Expo welcome for Officer Paul Blart." "(LIGHT APPLAUSE)" "(CLEARS THROAT';" "Thank you, Officer Gundermutt." "Is it warm in here, or am I ordering my next uniform from Rochester Big and Humid?" "(CHUCKLES)" "(MAN COUGHS)" "(CLEARS THROAT';" "I am, uh, honored to be here, uh, in the presence of the greats from the past." "Just looking at these faces reminds me of the questions so many people ask." "Why do we do it?" "Why walk a beat knowing that on a typical day you'll get zero pats on the back?" "But you know what you will get?" "A whole lot of ridicule." "What are you doing here?" "I thought Mini Kiss was playing." "What are you doing here?" "I get it." "We're easy targets." "People call us heavy, skinny, lumpy." "They point out our bad skin." "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "What is it that we all have in common?" "In the words of Joseph Conrad, who wrote some really long books about sailing and stuff," "(CLEARS THROAT';" ""We live as we dream." ""Alone."" "(OVER VOICE MAIL) Turns out I am giving the keynote after all, so it'd mean a lot if you could be there, peanut" "(SIGHS)" "(KEYPAD BEEPS)" "(SIGHS)" "ROBINSON:" "You were supposed to tell me if the schedule got moved." "MAN:" "Let's calm down." "And no one told me anything." "(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Oh, I'm sorry." "Bye." "Get her." "And yet, when people ask me, "Why do you do it?"" "lhavetolaugh." "(WEAK CHUCKLE)" "'Cause they think I have a choice." "I don't." "I, like you, didn't choose security." "Security chose me!" "(LIGHT APPLAUSE)" "(BREATHES DEEPLY)" "(WHIMPERS)" "Every morning, I pull my pants on one leg at a time, and I slip on my soft-soled shoes, and I hear the same calling you do." ""Help someone today." (PHONE BUZZING)" "(APPLAUSE)" "Come on, Dad." "(BUZZING CONTINUES)" ""Help someone today."" "Sounds easy, doesn't it?" "But if being a security officer was easy, anybody could do it." "Anyone can do it." "Takes a certain breed." "Someone who has Spidey-senses when things are going wrong." "(PHONE BUZZING)" "(WHIMPERS)" "Oh, sure, you can meet all kinds of people in this line of work." "Your shoplifters, your pickpockets, your freeloaders stealing a nap in a Brookstone massage chair." "They're the worst." "Don't get me started." "And there's the old lady who can't find her car in Parking Level F 'cause she doesn't have a car." "And there is no Parking Level F." "It only goes up to D." "(PHONE BUZZING)" "And all of a sudden you're asking yourself," ""Why do I do it?"" "Till the little boy, tears in his eyes, is tugging on your sleeve." "He says to you," ""Mister, mister, mister." ""Can't find my mommy."" "(GASPS)" "(WHISPERS) That's why you do it." "Yeah." "Yeah." "(SNIFFLING) PAUL:" "I Will close With this." "If you believe the purpose of life is to only serve yourself, then you have no purpose." "Help someone today!" "Jackpofl You nailed it!" "You nailed it!" "Way to go, Blart!" "You go, Paul Blart!" "Maya, look, I know you're mad at me." "Oh, Dad!" "But..." "But hear me out." "Look, I feel just terrible." "I need your help!" "Yeah, and I need your help." "This is what I'm trying to say." "Dad!" "I saw something in the Presidential Suite" "I guess I wasn't supposed to see." "And now they're after me." "Who'?" "I don't know." "Angel, please don't worry." "I know exactly what you're dealing with." "It was just somebody trying to intimidate you." "Trust me, they're all bark and no bite." "(POUNDING ON DOOR) (SCREAMS)" "They're coming for me!" "Oof." "Misread it." "Okay, sweetheart." "Stay on the phone with me." "I'm on my way!" "(SCREAMING)" "Maya, use your pepper spray!" "Maya, Maya, what's happening?" "(CLATTERING)" "Maya?" "Maya!" "(WHISPERS) Thank you." "Who is this?" "This is Officer Paul Blart from the West Orange Pavilion Mall." "Who am I speaking with?" "Oh, don't you worry about that." "Well, that's not fair." "I already told you my name." "Now, where's my daughter?" "Your daughter." "Wow, you don't know when to shut your mouth, do you?" "(GROANS)" "Listen, I don't think you have a clue to who you're messing with." "Actually, I don't need a clue." "You just told me." "And if you decide to go to the real cops, attempt to track this cell phone or make any attempt to come after me, oh, boy, I am so crazy," "I'll put you and your daughter in a world of pain." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, here's a few things you don't know about me." "First off, pain is my copilot, so no problem there." "And second off... (GROANS)" "(TILE SCREECHING)" "Hello." "Hello?" "(SNORING)" "Hello?" "Hello?" "(SNORING CONTINUES)" "(KEYPAD BEEPS) Strange." "Okay, let's go." "Get rid of this." "(MUSIC PLAYING) Hey, yo, have you guys seen Maya?" "Who's Maya?" "I introduced you to her." "She was the girl I was talking to right over there." "Dude, he's hammered." "She was on the phone and went that way." "That way?" "Yeah." "Enjoy." "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "Maya?" "Maya?" "(DOOR CLOSES)" "Maya?" "Looking for someone?" "Okay, clear this place out." "This location's been compromised." "Bring those two to the villa." "(SNORING)" "(COUGHS)" "(WEAKLY) Sugar." "Sugar." "Daddy, look at the beautiful flowers." "Can I draw on them?" "Not now, honey." "Daddy's on the phone." "Go with Mommy." "(SLOWLY) Must get sugar." "Come on, sugar." "(WHEEZING)" "(GASPS)" "MAYA:" "Please, sir, please." "Just let us out." "We're not gonna cause any trouble." "We're not gonna say anything." "Please, sir." "Please." "Sir, please let us out!" "(GROANS)" "What the heck is going on?" "I think they're stealing art from the hotel." "From the what?" "From the hotel." "What is that?" "Oh, I got this for you." "Here." "It's either this or sunblock." "Maya." "(DOOR OPENS)" "(PAUL BELLOWING) (GROANING)" "Have sweet mercy!" "(THUD) Oh!" "Oh,my!" "(PANTING)" "Oh, lam so sorry, ma'am." "Nope, my fault." "I startled you." "I..." "I just feel terrible." "Oh, no." "I deserved it." "Can I help you up or get you some medical attention?" "Not necessary." "This just shifts the focus away from my arthritis." "(SIGHS)" "You're sure?" "I'm fine." "Are you gonna want turndown service?" "No, thank you!" "Officer, how can I help you?" "I need to know who's staying in your Presidential Suite." "Okay, first of all, you need to slow things down a bit." "And, secondly, that's actually against resort policy." "So..." "DMNAI I got this, Heath." "Sir, I can help you down here." "VVeH,lguess I've been overruled." "Now, what can I do for you?" "I need information on who's staying in your Presidential Suite." "It's urgent." "What's going on?" "I can't divulge that at this moment." "It's top secret stuff, okay?" "Just... (CLEARS THROAT)" "Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Blart, but, unfortunately, I won't be able to give you that information, because it is against protocol." "See?" "I told you I feel no admiration for you, so sorry, there are no special favors." "You're breathing in double time." "Just tell me who's staying there." "I can't say no to you." "He's a high roller who books his rooms through his company." "Norbertine Shipping out of Hamburg, Germany." "Shipping." "Thank you." "You're so..." "Oh, come on." "Oh, no." "I think I can short this and get us out of here." "Or maybe we should just do what they say." "We've seen what they look like, Lane." "They're not gonna let us go." "Can I help you?" "Oh, hey." "Um..." "Muhr..." "Uh, Muhrtelle." "Uh, it's pronounced like "turtle" or "girdle."" "No, Muhrtelle. (STAMMERS) I got it right away." "I'm pretty good." "Why are you back here?" "No, I'm from shipping, so..." "I'm from shipping." "Yeah, I know." "I'm from corporate, so..." "If you could give me a moment," "I'd like to place a telephone call." "No,no,no,no." "Uh, no need, really." "Okay, actually, I'm..." "I'm from Internal Affairs Shipping." "Yeah." "Corporate sent me here to check up on you and your coworkers." "Random selection." "No need to get too nervous." "Is it okay I eat my lunch?" "Sure, yeah." "You might as well." "Um, I'm just gonna fire some questions at you, though, vis-a-vis this particular shipment here." "Now, where exactly did..." "Wow, that is the brownest banana I've ever seen." "That's borderline black." "I wouldn't eat that if I were you." "That's... (GRUNTS) You're eating it." "He's eating it." "I'm gonna throw up a little bit, I think." "I think that's poison." "(CLEARS THROAT SOFTLY)" "Oh, that's sickening." "(LOUD CHEWING) (RETCHES)Ohm" "I, uh..." "Where did this ship from?" "I don't know." "Some man brought a bunch of these down from the Presidential Suite." "Mmm-hmm." "You mind, uh, opening it for me?" "Internal Affairs, so I just..." "Do you have anyidenflficafion?" "Don't you worry about that, Turtle." "I'll ask the questions here." "MAN:" "Wait." "I want to ask a question." "(SEGWAY SQUEAKING)" "What do you think you're doing with that crate?" "I was just simply just checking that..." "Am (GROANS)" "Someone's messing with the shipment!" "VINCENT:" "Radio." "Unacceptable." "Kill him." "A mall." "Home-court advantage." "Bingo." "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "(SILENCED GUNSHOTS)" "Huh?" "Huh?" "(GRUNTS)" "(SILENCED GUNSHOTS)" "Oh!" "Oh, pain!" "(GRUNTS)" "(PAUL SCREAMING)" "Ow!" "Oh, this is it." "I'm going down." "(BURBLING)" "(COUGHING)" "Took care of some cop." "F or good'?" "Don't worry about it." "He's gone." "He sleeps with the fishes." "Literally." "ExceHenL" "(GROANS)" "(BURBLING GROWING LOUDER)" "Not today, death!" "Not today!" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "Sir." "We ask that guests dry off before entering the casino." "Oh, absolutely." "I..." "I should have thought of that." "Why don't you come with me, sir." "I'll get you a dry towel." "Oh, that would be great." "On second thought, I think I'd rather air-dry." "Because you're not who you say you are..." "Ramos." "Excuse me?" "The buttons on your uniform are rivet brass, made by Cintas uniform supply, which stopped using that particular type of metal, due to humanitarian reasons, 18 years ago." "Since there's no way you're a day over 30, and the Security Association restricts the hiring ofanybody under the age of 18, there is no way you are a security guard here." "You're right." "Headbutt!" "That's a very good defense." "One more!" "I'm definitely done." "Not this time!" "That was the last one." "You have my word." "All right." "Hey, what's going on?" "(SCREAMING)" "Hey." "Sorry." "Guy's drunk." "Well, Why'd you let him run off?" "I'll make sure I get him back to his room." "You do that." "(GASPING BREATHS)" "(PANTING) Security's been breached." "Of course." "Eduardo's in on it." "Fool me once, shame on me." "Fool me twice, shame on me." "No, that's me twice." "That doesn't work." "RAMOS:" "Hey!" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "(PANTING)" "(QUIETLY) Oh, gosh." "Come on." "RAMOS:" "Hey!" "(GASPS)" "(GRUNTING)" "(TREMBLING BREATH)" "(CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)" "That..." "That's Paul Blart." "Yam!" "Pdloveto see you up there." "I would if I had a good hamstring." "I don't got a good hamstring." "It's all right." "(GRUNTS)" "(GROANS)" "WOMAN:" "Who is this guy?" "What's going on?" "Ooh!" "(CROWD WHOOPING)" "Aah!" "(CROWD GASPING)" "(GRUNTS)" "(GRUNTS)" "Oh, sorry." "Big man on a rope!" "(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)" "Oh, sorry." "This whole thing's like a pool inside, like an indoor pool." "It's unbelievable." "Unbelievable." "Take a dip!" "Yeah!" "Whoa!" "(PAUL LAUGHING)" "Yeah!" "Sorry." "Tuck and roll." "(STRAINED GRUNTING)" "This ain't real." "(WILD CHEERING)" "Thank you, Paul!" "(BURBLING)" "(PEOPLE WHISTLING)" "What a guy!" "Aah!" "(GRUNTS)" "(PANTING)" "Come on, man." "I know you're in here." "(SHOES SQUEAKING)" "(PANTING)" "(ELECTRICAL CRACKLE)" "(MUMBLING)" "(ELECTRICAL HUMMING) Okay." "(CONTINUES PANTING)" "it looks like we've come to a fork in the road." "What?" "(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)" "(EXCLAIMS)" "Oh." "A little too much club." "(PANTING)" "Oh." "Okay." "(QUIET BEEPING)" "(WHISPERS) There you go." "Yeah." "(LOUD RUMBLING) (YELLING)" "(OVER RADIO) Ramos, it's Henk." "Where are you?" "RAMOS:" "Le Réve theater." "Some cop may be onto us." "Wait." "Big guy?" "Mustache?" "Snug pants?" "Yeah, that's the one." "HENK"." "I thought he was dead." "This guy's like a cockroach." "Where are you?" "HENK:" "We're about to move the Botero." "Roger that." "(QUIETLY) Henk, Ramos, Botero." "Who are these guys?" "(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)" "Come on, Paul, think for Maya." "Think!" "RAMOS"." "All this for stupid art." "Who is Art?" "Come on, think." "(GRUNTS)" "Windershins!" "It's about the art!" "They're stealing art from the hotel!" "(MIMICS HENK'S ACCENT) Ramos, this is Henk." "Did you get the new locations yet?" "Henk, you didn't tell me where you are." "We're in the casino." "Stop calling me." "Vincent wants you, out." "Let the games begin." "(SPUTTERS)" "Found our friend." "(GROANS)" "Didn't see it." "Didn't see it." "That's clean glass." "Okay." "So?" "I'm gonna need about 20 minutes, Vincent." "Move as fast as you can." "(SCREECHES) (SCREAMING)" "(HISSES) Yah-yah-yah!" "(BIRD HISSES)" "(GUN CLICKING)" "(SCREECHING) on!" "on!" "No,no,no!" "(BIRD SCREECHING) (SOBBING AND YELLING)" "(MIMICS HENK'S ACCENT) Vincent." "Vincent, this is Henk." "Where are you?" "Waiting for the van Gogh." "Where are you?" "I'm on my way." "I'm coming for you, Maya." "(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) (MUSIC PLAYING)" "(PANTING)" "Could you press one, please?" "Good crowd tonight?" "Oh, yeah." "Did you guys play Beth?" "No." "Great hair." "Thanks." "It's not mine." "Oh." "(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)" "Told you we should play Beth." "Not now, Frank!" "(RATTLING)" "This hotel is solid." "This gift is adorable, but..." "The globe lights up with copper wiring." "My father insists that I keep an extra phone battery on me." "Stand back." "(LOCK CLICKS) (GASPS)" "(WHISPERS) That should do it." "Shh." "Come on." "MAN: (OVER RADIO) The helicopter is fueled and ready." "Perfect." "What are you doing?" "From the hotel gift basket." "What is that in your hand?" "Oatmeal cookie." "I'm deathly allergic." "What are you trying to do to me?" "Sorry." "Get rid of it." "Double back." "Doubhng." "We can't get out through there." "Pocketknife keychain." "Just in case." "In case what?" "I get kidnapped by bad guys and held hostage." "It's happened before." "What?" "Room 3402." "Charge it, please." "(PANTING)" "(CRACKLING)" "Hey!" "Can you help us?" "Absolutely." "(WHIMPERS)" "(WHIRRING)" "Five more minutes, Vincent, and then we are done." "Secure the painting and let's get out of here." "We've got less than three hours to meet our buyer." "Roger that." "All right, Vincent, since you took something precious from me," "I'm taking something precious from you." "It's a bad day to be bad people." "DIVINA:" "Paul, mi amor!" "(PANTING)" "(SILENCED GUNSHOTS)" "No!" "(GRUNTS)" "(YELLS)" "Van Gogh is traveling." "ExceHenL" "I want the truck waiting in Juérez in one hour." "(SILENCED GUNSHOTS)" "(GRUNTS)" "(SQUEAKING)" "Yeah!" "Enjoy the ride." "(SQUEAKING)" "(SHOES SQUEAKING)" "(QUIET PANTING)" "See you." "(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)" "(PANTING)" "Where's that phone?" "Come on." "(MUTTERS QUIETLY)" "(PHONE VIBRATES)" "Please tell me Blart is dead." "Yeah, if by dead, you mean taking out your crew one by one, and being in possession of one of your prize paintings." "Which one?" "I'm gonna say..." "I don't know, sunflowers?" "That's a van Gogh, you idiot." "Yeah, you know what?" "Well, it's van gone if you don't ramp down the hurtful words." "What do you want'?" "I want to make a deal." "A swap." "A trade." "Suggesting we make an exchange." "You see, I have the painting..." "I got it." "Meet me at the Grand Hall, alone." "Time to even the playing field." "(WOOZILY) Oh, come on, man." "I'm sorry." "MAYA:" "You know what?" "I made my decision." "If we live, I'm not going to UCLA." "Are you sure?" "Yes!" "I can't abandon him." "He's never been alone." "We've always lived with my grandma." "Until a milk truck took her to a better place." "And then there was those six days of marriage." "I mean, he still sleeps with a night light." "LANE:" "Really?" "Is that bad?" "No." "No, a lot of people are like that." "Yeah, a lot of six-year-olds." "You, come with me." "Have Robinson take him to the helipad." "Let's go." "Maya." "Let's g0!" "VINCENT:" "Eh-eh-eh." "That's far enough." "Maya, you okay?" "I'm okay." "VINCENT:" "Well done, Blart." "You thinned my manpower significantly." "Must be getting pretty..." "Lonely out there." "You scared?" "Not following you." "Your fear of being alone." "First your wife dumps you at the altar." "Mmm, wrong." "She was with me six days." "Oh, great." "So she got to sample the merchandise and was glad she kept her receipt." "And then your mom kisses a bus." "It was a milk truck, but I'll give you that one." "And now your daughter can't wait to get away from you." "That's not true, Dad." "Well, she's following her destiny, and I support it fully." "(IMITATES BUZZER) Flag on the play, sloppy." "She says you can't be alone and that you're doing everything in your pathetic power to keep her under your thumb." "I didn't say that exactly, Dad." "It's okay, sweetheart." "See, Vincent, I'm fiercely independent, yet I'm not a big fan of being alone." "I'm a contradiction." "I told you I was crazy." "And I told you that I'm crazy." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "You can't out-crazy me." "My crazy will take your crazy, shove it in a metal tube, fill it with rats, then blowtorch it until the rats have no way to escape except eating their way through your crazy." "Wow!" "Wow." "You are oblivious to the avalanche of insanity lam about to unload." "You don't know what I will do to you!" "You don't know what I'll do to you!" "I will spin around until I throw up on you and your friends." "I simply don't care!" "I'll stick your face in maple syrup and make you sing gospel!" "How does that blow your hair back, Blart?" "I will crawl inside you and lay eggs like a baby spider!" "I welcome it!" "I've got two different colored eyes!" "Shows you how I live my life!" "I will bring a folk guitar to a pumpkin fight, because that's the way I was brought up!" "Okay, you lost me on that last one." "Because that's how crazy I am!" "Now, give me back my daughter!" "Give me my painting!" "(BELLOWING)" "(SIGHS)" "Pick it up." "Pick it up before he ruins it." "MAN:" "Get back!" "Did you honestly think that I was gonna be thwarted by some sweaty, sluggish non-entity like yourself?" ""Non-entity."" "See, I knew you couldn't be trusted, so I took out an insurance policy." "Allow me to introduce you to a few of my associates." "Gino Chizetti," "Staten Island Industrial Complex." "Saul Gundermutt," "Philadelphia Farmers' Market." "Khan Mubi," "King's Landing Walmart." "And last but not least," "Donna Ericone, Mall of freaking America." "You got to..." "You got to fan out, guys." "He can't see you." "Fan it out, fan it out." "VINCENT:" "Oh, oh, wow!" "You have your own superhero." "What's with the cape?" "Why are you wearing a cape, Khan?" "I came straight from a haircut." "Vincent, you just don't get it, do you?" "Fool me once, shame on you." "Fool me twice, shame on me." "VINCENT:" "Are you sure about that?" "You see, I have a little insurance policy of my own." "See, I thought I took all of you out, what... (SIGHS)" "Non-lethal." "I get it now." "Shame on you." "(SIGHS)" "(SIGHS)" "We are trained to detect, deter, observe, and report." "But one day, six years ago, a man did more than that." "And I am that man!" "We are that man!" "And so I say to you, sir..." "Foot Locker!" "(ALL BELLOWING)" "VINCENT:" "Give me the gun." "Finish them." "Go!" "There's a lip on that carpet." "Someone's gonna have to call that in, get that changed, okay?" "Foot Locker!" "(TASER BUZZING)" "(ALL BELLOWING)" "(GROANING)" "(GROANING)" "Dad!" "I'm going to the helipad!" "(BELLOWING)" "(PAUL GRUNTING)" "(GRUNTING CONTINUES)" "(COUGHING)" "(MAN SCREAMS)" "Saul!" "Help me!" "Help me!" "(GROANS)" "Get back here." "(GRUNTING)" "(BELLOWING)" "(GROANS)" "(BELLOWING)" "(YELLS)" "What?" "What?" "Mmm-hmm." "(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)" "Oh, no." "You couldn't stay out of the way, could you?" "Eduardo, I knew you were part of this." "How is it a man like you could win the heart of a woman like Divina?" "What are you talking about?" "My daughter's been kidnapped!" "Come on, man!" "Look!" "We'll never get to them on time." "Hey, Blart." "I heard you need a little backup." "Fun fact for you, there's no helipad up here." "But there is over there." "Got it." "We don't have much time." "Thanks, Nick." "No hard feelings." "(BELLOWING)" "PANERO:" "Hold on, Paul!" "(ALL GROANING) Oh, boy." "(GROANING)" "SAUL:" "Do not look down!" "DONNA:" "Don't look up, either!" "(GROANING)" "Knotjump!" "(SCREAMING)" "Coming in hot!" "(GROANING)" "Dad." "Come on." "Hey!" "(SILENCED GUNSHOTS) (SCREAMS)" "You finish loading." "I'll finish this." "(RUSTLING)" "UP YOU go, missy." "VVhoa!" "VVhoa." "All right, guys." "Who took my show hair?" "I think Maya's just seen her future." "(GASPS)" "Nice punch." "Now, don't move." "(GROANING)" "PAUL:" "You don't move." "Whoa." "Looks like we got ourselves a sticky situation." "Ooh." "That doesn't sound like something that can be fixed here." "You done?" "I am." "Great." "So am I." "(SHENCEDGUNSHOT) (GASPS)" "(GROANING)" "(SCREAMING)" "Oatmeal!" "(SCREAMING)" "Always bet on Blart." "Dad!" "(SIGHS)" "PAUL:" "So Paul Blart hadn't officially peaked after all." "Eduardo and I got past our differences." "I told him that if he ever wanted to go where the real action was, there would always be a job for him at the West Orange Pavilion Mall." "Officer Blart." "PAUL"." "He turned me down immediately." "But I did get to meet the man himself..." "Mr. Wynn." "...who was appreciative that I saved his art collection." "Very appreciative." "Holy crawfish!" "With all things going my way," "I figured it was time to make a decision that would change my life forever." "Paul?" "You..." "Look at me now." "Yeah, okay." "You are a fearless man, a loving father, a strange, misshapen superhero." "Thank you." "And my heart is yours." "Okay, Divina, listen very intently." "Mmm-hmm." "Some people think that holding on is what makes one strong." "But in reality, our only power is in letting go." "But I love..." "Ta-ta-ta-da." "That's just it." "See, it's easy to fall in love, but hard to find someone to catch you." "Besides, you don't love me." "But I..." "What you love is the mystery." "That's all I am to you." "You know, I'm a lone cowboy." "A renegade." "A Rocky Mountain steed." "But truth be told, Divina, I'm none of those things." "I'm a simple man." "Now, the qualities you seek, they're in him." "That man, sitting right over there." "That man, just longing to catch..." "He's crying right now, isn't he?" "Yep, he's Crying" "That's a full-on cry." "But he's the real deal, Divina." "He swung in on a rope like a knight in shining armor, and he rescued my daughter and me, and he loves you." "Now, go to him." "Go." "You're right." "But don't kid yourself, Paul Blart." "You are a Rocky Mountain steed." "That actually felt really good." "I might have made a colossal mistake." "Colossal." "SAUL"." "Ladies and gentlemen, to commemorate his long career of undying loyalty, honor, and acts of heroism, above and beyond the call of duty, twice, the Security Officers Trade Association is proud to bestow on Officer Paul Blart" "its highest and, really, only award, the Safety Medal of Honor." "(APPLAUSE)" "PAUL:" "The road of life is hard." "But once you reach the top, the view is amazing." "Look, I've given it a lot of thought." "And I'm gonna be really happy at Central Jersey Applied Technical Junior College." "Really?" "Yeah." "So they don't have a football team" "OT a campus." "I mean, who cares?" "The last couple of days really reracked my priorities." "Well, if you want to stay home with me and keep me company, maybe for a year or two until I get settled, then I have to say," "I think you're crazy." "You're going to UCLA." "And, besides..." "Holy crawfish!" "That's exactly what I said." "I said that." "Now, go." "Have fun." "Not too much fun." "(SIGHS)" "(SOFTLY) All right." "But as for this renegade, some of us are meant to ride alone." "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "All by "UL" "Whoa!" "What do we have here?" "a' ...gravity" "♪ And it's time to go down" "♪ I'm going to fly on my own two feet" "♪ From a cool Mile High" "(TIRES SQUEAL) (HORN HONKS)" "MAN:" "Whoa!" "Hey!" "Sorry." "♪ I'm gonna fly on my own two feet" "♪ From a cool Mile High, I can see every dream" "You know what you just did?" "You jaywalked in a business district, sir." "Actually, it's, uh, "officer."" "Oh, I apologize." "I should've recognized the steely-eyed gaze of a fellow brother-in-arms." "(CHUCKLES)" "You're still giving me a ticket?" "Nope." "I'm gonna give you my phone number." "In case you want to grab a drink sometime." "I don't drink." "But I do ride!" "(NEIGHING) (GROANS)" "(CAR ALARM BLARING)" "Are you okay?" "Nope." "But I've never been better." "♪ I'm gonna fly" "♪ Yeah" "♪ There's a cold rush" "♪ As I'm staring down the barrel" "♪ Cocky" "♪ With legs of steel" "♪ Concealed dynamite" "♪ All you need is gravity" "♪ And it's time to go down" "♪ Three, two, one... ♪ I'm gonna fly on my own two feet" "♪ From a cool Mile High, I can see every dream" "♪ Waited my whole life I take a deep breath" "♪ Now open the gates" "♪ I was born to feel this screaming wind against my face" "♪ a' I'm gonna fly a'" "(MUSIC PLAYING)"