"Ray, I got great news." "I could use some." "I just got an e-mail saying all my Groupons are set to expire this weekend." "Okay... forget all that." "I got two tickets to a charity dinner with the president." "Of the United States." "Of America." "Why are you not reacting?" "I'm sorry, man... you know," "I want to go, but me and the president, we got history." "History?" "!" "Back when I worked in Chicago," "Barry and I played in a pickup game once." "Words were exchanged, elbows were flying, punches were thrown." "Bottom line is I beat up a president." "Word must've got around because Iraq put me on their $300 bill." "Great." "Now I got to pick somebody from my family." "No matter who I choose, the other three are gonna be mad at me." "You don't know that." "Do some sniffing around first." "All right?" "One of 'em might hate politics." "I mean, maybe the other ones had plans." "I know I do." "I got 72 hours to squeeze in mountain bike riding, skydiving, rock climbing and a bunch of other stuff that guys like to do in erectile dysfunction commercials." "I hope you're right." "If I can't eliminate some of these people, it's gonna get ugly." "You know my family." "There's one piece of pizza left and we'd..." "Get into a big fight and throw that piece of pizza on the ground and stomp on it so nobody can have it." "Can't throw the president on the ground and stomp on him." "I did." "Oh, Mom, don't worry about it." "We'll clean up." "Well, not Adam, his chronic fingertip pain is back." "Oh, please." "Chronic fingertip pain?" "It's okay, baby." "We don't have to change people's minds." "NATHAN:" "So..." "TGIF, huh?" "I mean, not now." "It's gonna be Friday in three days but still, anybody got any fun unbreakable plans?" "Nothing." "You know what, I was looking for something to do on Friday." "If you find anything, let me know." "Okay..." "Um..." "Anybody else just bored, frustrated and/or fed up with-with politics?" "I mean, man, no, thank you." "I'm fed up with politics." "If I wanted to hear a bunch of rich old men yelling at each other, I'd drive through another golf course." "Well, I got to say, it's kind of refreshing to hear from somebody who doesn't want to waste their time on all this politics nonsense." "Well, it is a waste of time." "It's not like an Average Joe like me could change anything, unless you could somehow get in the same room with the president." "Now, that would be cool." "Nathan, what is going on?" "You are so nervous and distracted." "You're like one of those pill-popping teens in the "Just Say No" commercials." "Nathan?" "Did you say yes?" "Okay, fine." "My-my boss gave me..." "Two tickets to this President Obama dinner on Friday night." "You're having dinner with Obama?" "What's he making?" "No, Dad, he's not making dinner, he's speaking." "And I..." "I got a plus one, so..." "I got to pick one of you, but I know that..." "Whoever I pick, the rest of you are gonna get mad at me." "Nathan, stop." "That's ridiculous." "Nobody's gonna be upset about who you choose." "I mean, what kind of jerk would fault a son for taking his mother?" "TOM:" "Hold on a second." "What makes you so sure he's gonna pick you over me?" "Okay, f-for the record," "I haven't picked anyone to go with me yet." "Oh, that's right." "Uh, he hasn't picked anyone." "DEBBIE:" "Look, if it makes it any easier, Adam and I are out because of the pact." "The pact?" "Yeah... well, when we were dating, we both made a vow that if one of us couldn't do something, then the other wouldn't either." "No resentment." "That's why I've never been down the giant slide at the water park." "Adam's afraid of heights." "Well, first of all," "I am not afraid of heights." "I have vertigo, which is exacerbated by wind and water..." "And, secondly, this is the president." "Are you breaking the pact?" "I'm just saying that surely some pact that I made while being airlifted off the top of a dumb water slide could be reconsidered." "Okay, so there's no pact." "So every time we go to the water park," "I've been floating around a lazy river dodging empty juice boxes and old Band-Aids for nothing?" "Wait, I-I'm sorry Adam, why did you have to be airlifted?" "Why didn't you just climb back down the stairs?" "I have a rare condition called panic paralysis." "When I get nervous, I can't move." "Let's just say I may have invented planking when I lost my virginity." "Okay." "Go ahead." "Break the pact." "But you just decided to go up against the girl whose high school nickname was Debbie Don't Lose." "And you know why?" "Because Debbie..." "Don't..." "Lose." "I'm in this game." "I need to speak to the president." "Our states are legalizing marijuana and our schools are outlawing cursive." "Somebody needs to get a message to our young people:" "More working, less twerking." "The president doesn't want to hear your whining." "I'd talk to him about normal stuff, like when he goes down to the kitchen for a midnight snack, does the Secret Service go with him?" "And does he have to put pants on?" "Dad, you're-you're not speaking..." "I need the president's ear for one minute to talk about a tax credit for vegans." "(all talking at once)" "Nobody is speaking to the president!" "It is a charity dinner, that's it!" "We're all gonna get dressed up just to sit in our car for two hours 'cause traffic's gonna be mayhem." "Then we're gonna have to just be in the back of a huge ballroom, you know, in a seat that's not even facing the stage." "The best view we'll have of the president is the reflection on our spoon." "We're gonna be surrounded by a bunch of rich, snobby people who are gonna be complaining that the wine stinks." "And it will because it's nothing but a glorified airplane meal." "I have half a mind just to rip this thing up myself." "Who even wants to go to one of these?" "NATHAN:" "Here's the deal:" "I've decided I don't want to be the bad guy with this whole presidential dinner, so I am leaving the decision entirely up to you." "Yeah." "Power to the people." "The petty, backstabbing people." " What if we have a big huge fight about it?" " Not my problem." " What if we can't choose someone?" " Not my problem." "When do you need to have an answer?" "That one is on me." "Um, I'd say by tomorrow afternoon at the latest." "So, good luck hashing it out." "Call me if it gets physical." "I'd give anything to see somebody take a swing at Mom." "Well, you heard him." "We need to figure out a way to decide." "So I guess first person to touch the treadmill wins." "I touched it." "I win." "Whoo!" "What should I wear?" "Sorry, dear, but that is not how we're gonna decide this." "Whatever we do, it has to be completely fair." "I propose that we each make a case for why we should go and then we'll vote and the person with the most votes wins." "Oh, that'd be a great idea if this were the United Nerds of America." "Why don't we all just look between our legs and whoever can say Nathan came from there wins." "I might have a shot in that competition." "Maybe I should just take you." "You're probably the only one who can be an adult about this." "Ooh, President Obama?" "No, thanks." "I'm a Republican." "We're drawing names." "Great." "I don't need to know how you got there." "Just tell me when it's over." "Same thing I say to my waxer." "Nathan, will you do the honors?" "Come on." "Just pick a piece of paper." "No, I don't want to be the target of your anger." "Have Mikayla do it." "No way!" "I've got a birthday coming up, and my biggest donors are in that bowl." "You're just gonna have to find somebody among yourselves who you trust." "NATHAN:" "Ray, I'm sorry they pulled you out of that Groupon karate class." "I know you were looking forward to..." "Catching a fly with chopsticks." "I actually misread the schedule." "It was tai chi. (exhales)" "Which will come in handy if I'm ever attacked by a snail." "Okay, Ray, pick a name." "One last time, I'm begging you to reconsider." "Okay, shut up, Adam; we've made our decision, just deal with it." " And the winner is..." " Anarchy, that's what's winning out here." "Anarchy, stupidity and..." "Adam." "...awesomeness!" "(chuckles)" "Winner, winner, presidential dinner." "Okay, you know what, maybe Adam was right;" "maybe we should've voted." "I" " I agree." "Perhaps we were too quick to shoot down your wonderfully democratic idea." "Wait, wait, wait." "No, we already..." "Yeah, we should do it Adam's way." "I'm going to the dinner." "Nathan, tell them I won." "This can't come as a shock to you." "You know how this family changes the rules to suit their needs." "Pretty sure we invented "Connect Five."" "Mom, let's go." "We got to decide who's gonna see the president before they have another election." "Good luck on your presentation, Tom." "I don't need luck." "I'm one of those guys who good stuff happens to purely by chance." "Uh, sorry I'm late." "I tried to land on your doorstep, but it's windy out there and my shoe got caught in the oak tree." "Not a bad adventure for 22 bucks." "You guys jeopardized Ray's safety by dragging him into this?" "We needed him." "In case of a tie, Ray is our deciding vote." "Sorry, man." "It's okay, man." "It's interesting to see how white families do crazy." "Okay, we each have up to a minute to make our case." "Mom, why don't you go first." "Okay." "Ray, dim the lights." "Mikayla, put the spot on me." "("America the Beautiful" playing)" "November 5, 1955." "A cold mist fell." "In the distance, a bald eagle shrieked." "(cawing)" "My little brother ran in, sweat taking over his face, as he gave me the news." "(high-pitched): "Sis, President Eisenhower!" "He's driving through town!"" "I couldn't believe it." "Our small town?" "We ran through the streets as fast as we could to get there." "Ike's coming!" "Ike's coming!" "15 seconds!" "What?" "!" "13." "Okay, I'll-I'll skip the part where I get chased by a dog." "When we got there, the cars were driving so fast that we could barely hear a distant horn." "Toot, toot." "Time." "(sighs) I didn't get to meet him." "50 years of regret." "Please vote for me and..." "God bless America!" "Her time was up." "Disregard that last sentence." "The confetti did not happen." "Dad, it's your turn." "Ray, lights." "A reason you should vote for me is that I'll ask the questions we all want the answers to." ""How many carry-ons are you allowed to bring on Air Force One?"" ""What country is your second favorite?"" ""Do you still get mail for George Bush?"" ""How much is the electricity bill at the White House?"" ""Is it included in the rent?"" "And, then, uh, I repeat that for all the other utilities." "Debbie, you're up." "(clears her throat)" "Ladies and gentlemen," "I would like to present to you a combination of home video and security footage from July 13, 2003." "(helicopter whirring on video)" "Just promise we won't do anything the other person can't or doesn't want to do." "No resentment." "Promise." "I promise!" "Okay, it's a pact." "(helicopter whirring)" "Don't forget my shoes in the cubby!" "(Debbie stops video, clears her throat)" "And I didn't... forget his shoes from the cubby." "I rest my case." "Well, Adam, I guess you're up." "Okay." "I refuse to do this exercise in futility because I know that even if I win, you'll just go back on your words and change the rules again." "And since I know that none of you are gonna vote for me, anyways," "I'd like to use my time to argue why you three should not go." "Liar!" "Liar!" "Pants on fire." "You may use the remainder of my time to reflect on how you've betrayed not only me, but the entire notion of democracy." "Thank you." "Okay, we're good." "Let's vote." "I'll tally the votes." "Adam." "Adam." "The majority vote, the person going to see the president with me is..." "Adam." "Yes!" "We all voted for Adam?" "No." "I-I only voted for him, because I thought everybody would vote for one of you two." "Well, that's what we all thought." "I kind of liked his presentation." "Okay, fine, we'll revote." "This time, nobody vote for Adam." "RAY:" "Okay." "If I may..." "I think..." "Uh-oh." "I got to go!" "Oh...!" "NATHAN:" "Okay, no, there's no revote." "The booths are closed." "You had your chance and you blew it; now I'm stuck with Adam." "You don't want me there." "No, because I don't want to spend the entire night listening to you complain about your sprained eyelids, or your belly button fatigue, or ghost tongue syndrome." "Yeah, GTS." "All right, you know what?" "Forget it." "I don't even want to go, all right?" "I'm not about to force someone to have dinner with me." "I had enough of that growing up with an anorexic cat." "You see, this is why I couldn't trust you guys to handle this." "Us?" "You're the one who should have made the decision." "Yeah, instead of making us do your dirty work." "Fine." "You want me to choose?" "I'll choose." "I'm taking Dad." "Really?" "Thank you, son." "Wait." "Dad?" "You picked Dad?" "NATHAN:" "Yeah, of course I'm taking him." "Look at him." "The man checks the mailbox five times a day." "He's got nobody to talk to." "Telemarketers have him on a do-not-call list." "I mean, poor guy." "I mean, he needs something to spice up his miserable life." "Miserable?" "!" "Screw you!" "And for your information," "I'm the happiest I've ever been." "Every day I wake up to the sweet sound of not your mother." "Keep your plus one." "I don't need your pity." "Fine." "You know what?" "I thought that Debbie deserved to go, anyway." "Deb, what do you think?" "You in?" "(sighs) Thank you, Nathan." "You know, I was hoping all along that you would ask me..." "So I could say no." "NATHAN:" "Wait." "Now you're not going?" "I was never going." "See, I made a pact with my husband, and I plan on keeping it." "Really?" "You would turn down the president for me?" "Of course I would." "I love you." "Almost as much as I'm gonna love holding this over your head for the next 30 years." "My other high school nickname." "Debbie Don't Drop It." "So..." "Last?" "Mom, don't give me..." "You picked me last." "Well, look, just..." "Last?" "Mom, do you want the ticket or not?" "(yelling):" "Last?" "!" "Fine." "I'll just go by myself." "All I wanted to do was make everybody happy, but that is impossible, 'cause you people can't be happy until somebody is miserable." "Well, now I'm miserable." "And that makes you happy." "And-and then that makes me happy." "But my happiness makes you miserable again." "And the cycle repeats itself." "And that's how white families do crazy." "Nathan Miller." "Okay." "Here you are, but we can't let you enter until all members of your party are present." "Oh, it's-it's just me." "But we have you down for a plus one." "Yeah, but the thing is, everybody refused to go with me 'cause they thought I was crazy." "Why did they think you were crazy, sir?" "Oh, just 'cause my plan." "You had a plan... sir?" "Oh, I had a great plan." "I was gonna have my family do the dirty work for me, and they all insisted that I pull the trigger." "Sir, do you want to come with me, please?" "There's been some kind of misunderstanding here." "I can't believe how much the government knows about people." "I mean, I get that you might know about what schools I went to, but the fact that you know that my first kiss was with Julie Porter." "That's amazing." "Your first kiss was with your sister's Raggedy Ann doll." "Julie was your first human kiss." "Are there cameras in...?" "Everywhere." " Even in the...?" " Everywhere." "I'm sorry." "I'm a little turned around down here." "Which was is it back to the dinner?" "Just head straight down the corridor, take a left past the bathroom." "You'll find a service elevator." "Take that to the mezzanine." "Yup." "Roger that." "POTUS is on the move." "I'll secure the building." "Okay, and can I just use that bath...?" "Forget it." "I'll figure it out." "For the record, I rocked Julie Porter's world, and she's got Raggedy Ann to thank for that." "(knocking)" "AGENT:" "Sir, I'm gonna need to ask you to finish what you're doing in there and exit." "It's a matter of national importance." "I just got in here." "You again?" "!" "I thought I told you to go up to the ballroom." "Sorry." "I've been drinking water all day." "I don't want my face to be puffy in case I took a picture with the president." "PRESIDENT OBAMA:" "Problem in here, Mike?" "AGENT:" "No, sir." "Just trying to remove an individual from the stall, sir." "Well, don't rush the man." "Take your time, sir." "I can wait." "Thank you, sir." "So, how are you doing tonight?" "Me?" "Uh... uh, you know." "The same old, same old." "Just making small talk with the leader of the free world." "Guess you're gonna have an exciting story to tell your date." "Oh, uh, it's just me." "I" " I couldn't get anybody to come with me tonight." "Really?" "Well, I'll have to look at my poll numbers again." "Oh, no, no, no." "It was my family." "I was just try..." "I was trying to make everybody happy, and I ended up pissing everybody off." "Welcome to my world." "Are you about done?" "He's being nice, but you're pushing it." "PRESIDENT OBAMA:" "Don't peek at the man, Mike." "We're getting flack for spying too much as it is." "That's funny." "You know, if there's one thing" "I've learned since taking office, it's that you can't make everybody happy." "From healthcare to which hip-hop artist you befriend." "Oh." "Yeah, you're right, sir." "It's impossible to make everybody happy." "And you know what?" "I'm done trying." "Hold on." "Just because you can't make someone happy doesn't mean you shouldn't try." "Trying to achieve the impossible, that's America." "It's why we're great." "Oh, that's good." "Mike, write that down." "I'm gonna say that tonight." "Thank you, Mr. President." "Any time." "So, uh, are we close, or do I need to draw up an exit strategy for you?" "Oh." "Uh, no, no, no." "Yeah, I'm good." "Actually, sir, do you mind doing me one more favor?" "What is this?" "Toilet paper?" "Mom, when you're in a bathroom, you make do." "Just read it." "I think you'll like it." ""Dear Carol, as you can see," "I'm also a fan of cursive."" ""Love, Barack Obama."" "(giggles)" ""Debbie, your brother told me" ""how you honored your pact with your husband." "I wish the North Koreans had your integrity."" ""Adam, we all have fears." "Get your butt down a water slide."" ""Tom, the electric bill for the White House is about..."" "(sneezes)" "Oh, damn it." ""Barack Obama.""