"Deb£¡" "What?" "I can't see." "I hate this side of the bed." "I can't see the TV from here." "What do you mean?" "You picked that side." "I didn't know it was gonna be my side for life." "I gotta watch TV with a big foot in the middle of the screen." "I'm trying to get the weather." "I can only get from Wednesday over." "Do you wanna switch sides?" "What?" "After seven years?" "I'II be all out of whack over there." "Maybe you'II do better with your next wife." "My next wife isn't gonna have feet." "Right." "I'II be able to watch the TV and I'II never have to go dancing." "Hi£¬ I'm Ray." "I Iive here in Long island... with my wife£¬ Debra... my five-year-oId daughter£¬ and twin almost two-year-oId boys." "My parents live across the street." "That's right." "The truth is£¬ I'd do anything for my family." "And done." "Oh£¬ no." "Debra£¡" "Honey£¡" "Somebody call my father£¡ I'm hyperventilating£¡" "Yeah£¬ it's a charity drive£¬ Linda." "We take anything you wanna get rid of." "No£¬ not him." "Hang on." "Ray£¬ can you get that please?" "I'm all boxed in over here." "Coming£¡" "What are the twins doing?" "They're playing." "michael thinks he's in a car£¬ Geoffrey just thinks he's in a box." "The kid's got no imagination." "Brought some stuff over for the church drive." "Great." "It's a little heavy." "Thanks£¬ that's sweet." "What is it?" "My weight set." "You're not working out anymore?" "No£¬ I'm losing some of my flexibility." "Having trouble shampooing." "There's a Iot of stuff here." "Lot of ugly stuff." "Who would buy this?" "You bought it for me." "How come you never wear it?" "Ray£¬ you're giving this away?" "What is it?" "Oh£¬ my God£¬ Debra£¬ what're you doing?" "What?" "It's just an old baseball." "Just a baseball?" "Just a baseball£¡" "I've had this thing for 25 years." "This is my autographed Mickey mantle ball." "Debra£¡" "Sorry." "So Mickey mantle signed it." "So?" "This is like having a bible signed by...." "It's exactly the same." "That's right." "My dad got me this when I was 10." "Remember?" "Yeah£¬ I remember." "You got Mickey mantle£¬ I got Art Shamsky." "You wanted Art Shamsky." "He homered his first Major League at-bat." "Then after that£¬ right to the dumper." "He could still become famous." "Yeah£¬ if he shoots someone famous." "I haven't thought about this ball in years." "Hi£¬ Ray." "MistIetoe." "I'm not kissing you£¬ buddy." "You're all hands." "You used to love that about me." "What's with all the boxes?" "This is my stuff." "Deb and I...." "It ain't happening." "That's too bad." "Mind if I call her?" "It's a charity drive for the needy£¬ Andy." "Great£¡ What can I have?" "It's not for the emotionally needy." "Andy£¬ did I ever show you that?" "That's my Mickey mantle." "You met the MickeIe?" "No£¬ my dad got it for me." "Pretty incredible£¬ huh?" "Yeah£¬ if Mickey really signed it." "What are you talking about?" "Didn't you see that thing on 60 Minutes?" "AII this signed stuff is like 70% fake." "Like£¬ back then£¬ the trainers would sign all the balls." "You know I saw that." "Raymond£¬ this may not be real." "That's a shame." "Yeah£¬ right." "Dad got this for me himself." "AII right?" "Maybe MorIey Safer's wrong." "Andy£¬ wanna go for a slice?" "Sure." "You in£¬ Ray?" "No£¬ go ahead." "You guys go." "AII right£¬ come on£¬ peppy." "Listen£¬ Andy£¬ can I borrow that mistletoe?" "I wanna break the ice with the woman in Homicide." "You okay£¬ Ray?" "What if they're right£¬ what if he didn't sign this?" "Come on£¬ Ray£¬ I don't even remember you ever looking at that ball." "It's been buried in the closet since we moved here." "No£¬ not buried." "Tucked away." "You don't get it." "Mickey mantle signed this to me." "To Ray." "Then he wishes me luck." "Good luck." "Then he signs it£º ¡°Mickey mantle.¡±" "Look how the ¡°Y¡± in the Ray is the same as the ¡°Y¡± in the Mickey." "You know£¬ for one moment£¬ the greatest player that I ever saw... was thinking about me." "I know it sounds stupid£¬ but this guy is the reason that I'm a sportswriter." "This guy is Mickey mantle." "actually£¬ that's beautiful£¬ Ray." "It's very passionate." "You remember what you said to me when you proposed?" "So£¬ how about it?" "Why do you insist on making this car-wreck our Christmas tree every year?" "I want a real tree." "An artificial tree saves water... saves the forest and saves the planet." "I'm a conservationist." "You're cheap." "AII right£¬ I'm saving money." "I hate this thing." "Fine£¬ then there'II be nothing under it for you." "Like£¬ I need another Totes umbrella." "Ray£¬ darling£¡" "Merry Christmas£¡" "Merry Christmas." "Did RockefeIIer Center turn it down again this year?" "It's a shame." "Here£¬ Ma." "Debra says thanks for the clothes." "What clothes?" "It's your junk." "Like that ratty moth-eaten gray sweater." "Moth-eaten?" "Marie£¬ I Iove that sweater." "And I don't wanna see any wiId-eyed weirdo... marching around in my clothes." "welcome to my world£¬ Frank." "holidays are a very stressful time for your mother." "How are things at your house?" "Yeah£¬ we're busy£¬ too." "As a matter of fact£¬ we were cleaning things out this morning... and look what I found." "Remember this?" "Look at that£¡" "God£¬ I remember when I brought this home for you." "What were you£¬ like£¬ 10?" "You ran all around the neighborhood showing it to the other kids£¬ right?" "Yeah." "So Mickey mantle really signed it." "Who told you that?" "You did£¡" "What£¬ Mickey mantle didn't sign this ball?" "This isn't real?" "It's a real ball." "I don't believe this." "So you never met him?" "No." "What's the matter with you?" "No£¬ nothing." "It looks like I'm the only normal one here." "How could my father do this?" "He knew what that ball meant to me." "Ray£¬ I'm sure it wasn't intentional." "He probably didn't even think about it." "That's right." "He just thought it was okay to lie to his kid." "Look£¬ everybody does that sometimes." "No£¬ I don't." "No?" "What about£¬ No£¬ kids£¬ that's not a store." "¡°That's a toy museum.¡±" "And my favorite one is..." "¡°Daddy's just teaching Mommy how to wrestle.¡±" "That's my favorite one£¬ too." "But no more." "I'm not gonna lie to my kids anymore." "Yes£¬ you will£¬ Ray." "No£¬ I will not." "I'm not gonna do to them what my father did to me." "From now on£¬ only the truth." "When my kids look back at me£¬ I want them to be able to say..." "¡°Okay£¬ I'm all screwed up from that guy£¬ but he didn't lie.¡±" "What a lovely thought for our children£¬ Ray." "Can I have this doIIy£¬ Daddy?" "No£¬ honey£¬ we're gonna give these toys to other kids for Christmas." "Okay?" "But you said Santa brings all the toys." "I said Santa?" "Doesn't he£¬ Daddy?" "Daddy?" "would you mind repeating the question?" "Doesn't Santa bring all the toys?" "To be honest" "Don't you dare£¡" "What£¬ Daddy?" "Who wants cookies?" "tell me about Santa£¬ Daddy." "The answer£¬ I think£¬ honey... comes down to the basic nature of reality." "Hokey-dokey?" "No." "I don't know how to tell you this£¬ but" "Before Santa brings all the toys£¬ honey... we're just gonna be Santa's helpers because... he has so much to carry this year... and he's out of shape." "That's nice." "So why don't you just go and play with your toys from last year... and I'm gonna have a nice long talk with your Daddy... about the nature of his reality." "Okay£¬ here we go." "How could you do that to her?" "What?" "I didn't do anything." "You were about to." "Ray£¬ I know you're upset with your father... but how can you think about outing Santa?" "would you rather she heard it on the streets?" "please£¡" "I'm sorry to have to do this£¬ Debra... but Frank is absolutely insisting he get his ratty old sweater back." "which is probably the best thing that ever happened to the needy." "Go£¬ take it." "What's the matter?" "Nothing's the matter." "No£¬ nothing at all... except Ray was just about to tell ally the truth about Santa claus." "You what?" "No£¬ I didn't tell her." "My own son£¬ an atheist?" "Not an atheist£¬ Mom." "I don't believe in lying to my kids." "Stop being foolish." "Now you go in there and tell ally all about Santa claus... his flying reindeer£¬ his sled and all the rest of that malarkey." "I don't think that that's the right thing." "What's the matter with you?" "Nothing's the matter." "I'm just protecting her." "Protecting her from what?" "We didn't have that Santa claus discussion... until you were 14 years old." "Yeah£¬ but I knew about Santa when I was eight." "What did you wait till I was 14 for?" "Your father wanted to cover sex and Santa all at once." "Sort of get it over with." "Don't think that hasn't had repercussions." "There you go£¬ Marie." "Thanks£¬ honey." "ally is 5 years old£¬ you Scrooge." "Of course£¬ we lie." "We all lie." "That's what holds us all together." "So you go in and lie to your daughter... and I'II go home and feed the man I Iove." "Ray£¬ come on." "Are you still thinking about that baseball?" "No£¬ I'm thinking about a Iot of things now." "Like what?" "Remember that guy that you went out with before me?" "Eric Butterpants." "Eric Butterman£¬ Ray." "So you do remember him£¡" "Yeah." "What about him?" "You always said to me that you were glad that he broke up with you... because otherwise you would have never met me." "So if he had never broken up with you... would you have been gladder?" "You're really crazy£¬ you know that?" "No£¬ how do I know I'm the one that you wanted to end up with?" "Here's a hint£¬ Ray£º our three kids." "Yeah£¬ our three blond kids." "I think that's the baseball talking." "How can I be sure of anything?" "You don't believe in anything anymore?" "That's right£¬ unless I see it with my own eyes." "Merry Christmas£¡" "Is ally here?" "I understand there are doubts about me in this house." "There are now." "Come on£¬ Robert." "No£¬ you have me mistaken for some other party... for I'm the jolly old Saint Nick£¡" "Mom told me what you did." "Nice." "ally£¬ look£¬ it's Santa claus£¡" "God£¡" "Santa?" "Yes£¬ it is really I... and I came to see you£¬ ally... because I heard you were a very good girl this year... and you're gonna get everything you want." "unlike some other people." "hold the ho's." "I wanna talk to you for a minute." "I'm sorry£¬ I'm with a client." "And you may call me Mr. claus." "Where's ally?" "holy crap£¡" "What are you doing here?" "I'm Santa claus." "You're Santa?" "AII right£¬ will you guys cut it out?" "She's confused enough already." "What's to be confused about?" "I'm the real Santa£¡" "Who is this imposter?" "well£¬ you couldn't both be Santa." "You must be Santa's helpers." "Right£¡ He's my helper." "helper£¬ why don't you warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around?" "I bet you can't even name the reindeer." "RudoIph..." "Donner£¬ BIitzen...." "Those are the main ones." "We rotate them so they wear evenly." "Cupid£¬ Ajax... and Lefty." "Now we know the truth." "It's uncle Robert." "No£¬ little one..." "I've only assumed the body of a life form that you would accept." "Robert£¬ you're Santa£¬ not a Klingon." "And that's Grandpa£¡" "That's very good£¬ ally£¬ this is Grandpa." "Guys£¬ you couldn't fool her£¬ okay?" "Come on." "pulling the beard off Santa£¬ the nerve of this guy." "You wanna do some good£¬ go work the corner with a bucket." "Just for that£¬ no toys." "Why did they do that?" "Honey£¬ it's just because Grandpa and uncle Robert..." "Iove you so much and they just wanted you to have a wonderful Christmas." "That's good." "You think she's better off now?" "They were just trying to help£¬ Ray." "Let them help by paying her shrink bills... when she's having nightmares about two Santas and a reindeer named Lefty." "Hey£¬ Ray." "Dad£¬ do me a favor." "Don't come over and make up stories to ally£¬ okay?" "Come on£¬ I'm her grandfather." "That's what I do." "I tell stories." "It's in the manual." "Like you told me stories£¬ right£¬ Dad?" "What is it?" "You know how much this thing meant to me?" "Come on£¬ Ray£¬ it's only a ball." "You're right£¬ Dad." "That's all it is now." "What's the matter with you?" "You know how much it meant to me to have a Mickey mantle... and what did you do?" "You brought home a fake." "What was I supposed to do?" "I didn't know Mickey mantle." "And you wanted his autograph." "So I went back for five games... and I stood by the stadium door... and mantle never came out." "So you just got some trainer to sign it." "No£¡" "I signed it myself." "You signed it?" "Yeah." "I knew how much you wanted the thing... so I practiced his signature over and over." "Not a bad job£¬ huh?" "If I couId have gotten hold of the Mick's checkbook... we'd be having this discussion on a yacht." "Why didn't you just tell me the truth?" "I didn't want you to be disappointed." "You're my kid." "I don't blame you for being ticked off." "I'm sorry I signed it." "What're you doing?" "I want it now." "You mean that even though you know that ball's a fake... it still means something to you?" "Yeah£¬ Dad." "Then this Christmas... you're gonna love the rolex I got you." "ally£¡" "Santa?" "Hi£¬ ally." "You must be the real one." "I know how much you believed in me... and I just wanted to come by and say..." "¡°Thanks for the support.¡±" "welcome." "I have to go now." "I have to fill all the stockings... and eat all the cookies and in general... this is one of my busiest nights of the year." "will you tuck me in£¬ Santa?" "Yeah£¬ sure£¬ I'II tuck you in." "Anything else that you need?" "A jug of water?" "A trip to the bathroom?" "No£¬ thank you." "Okay then." "Sweet dreams." "always." "Santa." "Yeah?" "See you next year." "Bye-bye."