"Hi." "I'm Bert Rodriguez from En Pelotas Magazine, the Latin's world numero uno source for breaking sexy news." "Chronicler, if you will, of the secret history of Hollywood." "Humble memorialist of the vertiginous ups and precipitous downs of the world's greatest female porn stars because porn stars are people too." "And I don't mean objectifying them." "No, sir." "En Pelotas is about paying tribute to those Amazon creatures walking among us who make the term "sex goddess"" "sound woefully undernourished." "And in a world increasingly known for its surgical enhancements and questionable pubic hairstyles, one performer stands..." "Or is it stood?" "...taller than the rest." "And that is the "initimable"..." "And that is the ininim..." "And that is the inimitable Elektra Luxx." "Let me take you back to a time before all the acclaim, the drug busts, before the high-profile affair with Nick Chapel and the detritus of their ensuing sex tape." "Let me deposit you in the wasteland of adult entertainment in the '90s." "A dark era in which the silicone craze erupted like a Macedonic volcano and gonzo slayed the plot-driven pictures of yesteryear." "Even in that toxic environment, she managed to elevate standard mature programmers such as Sticky Sweet Volume 2 and Natural Born Killer Naturals." "Eventually earning herself an unprecedented five consecutive Fox of the Year awards from the AWN." "But if one performance perfectly captures the moment where she turned the page and went from promising sex kitten to behemothic superstar, it would have to be her turn as twin nymphomaniac sisters in the precisely titled 2 Nymphomaniac Twin Sisters." "It is here that Elektra first puts into play her look-to-the-camera theory." "The rest, as they say, is history." "Take a look." "With this seemingly harmless breaking of the proverbial fourth wall," "Miss Luxx pretty much started a revolution." "Seems immaterial now, but at the time, there were rumors she had looked at the camera awaiting direction or simply thought the camera was in another place altogether." "Nonsense." "Take a look at Dial SS for Super Sex." "Am I interrupting something?" " It's her." "It's Super Sex." " Huh?" "What do you bad boys want all that money for?" " To get some pussy." " Buy some beer." "Let's deal with the beer later." "First things first." "And here she is in The Best Girl Scout Cookies." "We're lost, totally lost." "It'll be hours before they send out a search party." "I will gather some sticks to make a fire." "I know a better way to keep warm." "We can't." "I asked your group leader, Stacey, to marry me." "So marry her." "Group Leader Stacey taught me to share and we share everything." "The success of 2 Nymphomaniac Twin Sisters was such that the producers signed her up for the hotter sequel:" "2 Nymphomaniac Twin Sisters Il:" "Wetter Than Seattle." "This is the one with the famous orgy scene in which Elektra joins herself in bed for what Adult World News called the big bang of all sex scenes." "Berto!" "What?" "You told me you took out the trash." "I did!" "I did take it out!" "It won every major award at the AWN show, including two best actress statuettes for Miss Luxx." " You didn't take it out!" " Mom, please not now!" "Please!" "The industry being as literal as it is, Elektra soon starred as the world's most jaw-droppingly curvilinear astrophysicist in The Big Bang, earning herself another nomination for best group sex scene, but losing to newcomer Venus Azucar" "in what is still a hotly debated decision." "When are you going to take it out?" "When you begin to mount the edge of the most fantastic shivering spasm, it's not bad form to look him in the eye and say:" ""I don't know where I'm going, but if you move, I will kill you."" "And if you're with a woman, you might also compliment her hair." "Nothing makes us more insecure, even with our ankles behind our ears, than our hair looking all funny." "Yes, Maria." "My husband often complains that I'm too quiet during..." "You know." "But I don't really know what to say because I'm concentrating myself." "Well, verbal reinforcement is a must." "If the man is fucking you with wild abandon, it is your duty and your privilege to encourage him." " Mrs. Turner." " Oh, well, ...if the man is already doing the..." " If he's already inside you, yeah." "Isn't it then, quite frankly, a little redundant to be talking about it?" "No, no, no." "Men are very insecure." "And it is critical that you reaffirm." "This is of vital importance." "Also, they are primarily visual creatures." "Don't keep your faces scrunched up the whole time." "That's a mistake first-timers make on camera." "At least before Botox changed the game." "Same thing in the privacy of your own home." "Men require encouragement." "I cannot emphasize this enough." " What is it, Dolores?" " It's nothing." "You've been wanting to say something." "I'm fine." "What is it?" "We're all friends." "I had this horrible experience last week with my boyfriend and..." " What's wrong with your eye?" " Nothing." "But it keeps twitching." "Oh, uh, well..." "That's just it." "I was practicing the oral technique you suggested and when it was time..." "I timed it all wrong and..." " It's okay, let it all out." " And it all went in my eye and I went blind and I had to be rushed to the emergency room." "Blind?" "I'm sorry." "You were giving on your knees." "And where was your hair?" "It..." "Well, he was holding it back." " That wasn't a problem." " And he was standing." "He was on the couch just like you said, and I was..." "I was giving him that devouring look." "I said, "Didn't you promise me a pearl necklace?"" "Obviously, in my whole life, I never said that before." "I'm very proud of you." "I didn't even get to say "necklace" because suddenly, this whip strikes across my eye and my vision goes all blurry and I fall back and I..." "So you fell off the horse." "Most natural thing in the world." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "And nothing else to do but get right back on." "The whole ride, the paramedic was snickering facts about how the prostaglandin and the citric acid in his semen was not compatible with my contact-lens solution." "And your boyfriend?" "Oh, he felt so bad for me." "He punched that ambulance driver when he was driving and he got me a real pearl necklace." " Aw." " They're Japanese." "So, yeah." "All right." "That's it for today." "Oh, Father McKinley needs the room next week, so we will start at 6:00." " Miss Luxx?" " Yeah?" "Miss Luxx, you don't know me." "My name is Cora." " Oh, you just missed class." " I'm not here for your class." "I need to speak to you about something else." "Oh, yeah?" "It has to do with" "Nick Chapel." "If you're a reporter, my answer is no." "Thanks, but no thanks." "And also, no." " I'm not." "I saw you at the funeral." " You saw me at the funeral?" "Fighting with his mother." "That was awful the way she slapped you." " You are a reporter." " No, I'm a flight attendant." " Print whatever lie you like." " It's not like that." "I killed him." "What did you say?" "Not on purpose, obviously." "I'm not a murderer..." ""Ess," murderess." "I've never killed anything in my life." "But if it wasn't for me, Nick wouldn't be dead." "Did Father McKinley send you?" "Because he doesn't own the community center." "My class is just as legal as his Bible study is." "I don't know who that is." " Have a drink with me?" " I don't know you." "Not yet." "I can tell we're gonna get along great." "Just one harmless little drink, please?" "One is my limit anyway." "You heard about the briefcase Nick was carrying with the lyrics for the new record?" "I heard it went missing." "Someone stole it from the airport?" " Yes, well..." " You stole it?" "Shh!" " Why?" " For you." " For me?" " And for him too, I suppose." "God rest his soul." "See, all the songs are about you." "How can you be sure?" "Well, one is called "Elektra Is Blue."" "Another is called "Luxx Super Deluxe."" "There's also one called "All Natural Sex Vixen."" "One's called "Emotional Quicksand With Her Ankles Behind Her Ears."" "And there's a working title "He's So Juvenile, She's So Adult."" "Nobody's ever written a song about me before." "Well, this guy wrote 15." "Can I see them?" "You can have them." " Thank you." " Don't mention it." "This is so generous of you." "You committed a crime because you thought it was unfair for me to never know these existed?" "I couldn't live with myself knowing." " How can I ever pay you back?" " Don't be silly." "No, I mean it." "I mean, if there is anything you ever need..." "Well, there is one thing." "Name it." " I need you to seduce my fiancé." " Excuse me?" "It's the only way I can forgive myself and marry him." "I see." "You thought I would just go ahead and do this?" "Well, I figured with your line of work, ...you wouldn't mind." " I wouldn't mind?" "Morally speaking, in a professional sense." "My Benjamin, he's the guy, you know?" "He's intelligent, he's kind, he's loyal." "And I just am so insanely guilty over cheating on him," " I can barely look him in the eye." " So tell him." "Why would I tell him?" "I didn't even consummate anything with Nick." "He talked about you while I was giving him a blow job." "And then he hits his head, and it's just not the kind of thing you tell a fiancé." "Is it?" "Well, I mean, I know that I will never ever do it again." "But how can he ever really be sure?" "In his mind, he'll always wonder if, given the chance, would I do it again." " So you thought if I seduced him?" " Well, just the one time." "I would catch you in the act, he would feel terrible." "I would forgive him, case closed." "I'm not even considering this, but how do you know I'm his type?" "We rented one of your videos and I could tell he was into you." "You know the one where you play the nymphomaniac twins?" "I fell asleep, but when I woke up, you ended up in bed with yourself." " How did you do that anyway?" " Movie magic." " Didn't it freak you out?" "I mean..." " I didn't write the thing and I'm retired." "Not to mention, I'm a mother-to-be." "Oh, you can barely even tell." "Not in a million years, you look fabulous." "That was not my point." "I didn't mean to upset you." "This whole plan is ridiculous." "Just forget the whole thing, okay?" "I think I just needed to hear myself say it out loud to realize how crazy it is, but I'm fine now." "I'm back to my good old self." "Well, I should be going now." "Holly?" "Holly?" " Elektra?" " What are you doing here?" "Waiting for my girlfriend." "We're going to Mexico for the weekend." " What happened?" " Just too many martinis." " So I heard you quit the biz, huh?" " Yup." " And you're teaching at a commune?" " No, I teach at a community center." " Cooking class, right?" " No." " Taxidermy?" " No." " What is taxidermy exactly?" " Like how to stuff animals." " With food?" " When they're dead." "No shit." "Look, I want you to be completely honest." " Am I the reason you quit?" " What are you talking about?" "You walked off the Cowgirls set during our big scene, remember?" "That?" "No, Holly, of course not." "Nothing to do with you." "Because my whole oral-sex hang-up was connected to memories of my dog." "I'm pregnant." " Oh, my God." " I know." " Is it yours?" " What?" " Is the father gonna be around?" " I'm gonna raise it on my own." " You are?" " Mm-hm." "That is so inspirational." "I wish you were my mom." "Not in a weird way." "I'm just..." "I'm so thrilled." "Thanks." "Have fun in Mexico." "It's not a romantic weekend." "Just my best friend." "Okay, have a blast." "Have you ever had a best friend that you wanted to be closer to?" " What?" " Nothing." " I hope you don't throw up too much." " Likewise." "Oh, hey." "I'm Bert Rodriguez, sex blogger." "Once again, you are tuned into the frequency of the erotic, the wavelength of all things carnal, voluptuous, bawdy and epicurean." "Never lecherous, always ardent." "I'm referring, of course, to the world of En Pelotas Magazine." "We now resume part two of the greatest-living-porn-star series, profiling the meteoric rise and illustrious reign of world-class professional supernova Elektra Luxx." "We will bring you up to date with Elektra today and address shocking rumors that have been sweeping the adult film industry like wildfire." " Did you see it yet?" " What do you want?" " Did you see it?" " See what?" "I'm kind of busy here." "There's like 15 comments in the comments section." "I'm in the middle of a live stream." "What are you doing?" " Check it out." " Don't touch my laptop." " I'm not gonna break it." "Look." " Give me this." ""Me likey the hottie in the gallery." "Dang, I was wrong about you being gay." Signed, Pork Grind." "I hate this creep." " What gallery?" " Keep reading." ""This girl is perfect." "Keep these coming, En Pelotas." Signed Trilobite." "What did you do?" "Olive, what is that?" "You wanted original content, right?" " You broke into my site." " Desperate times, desperate measures." "How did you guess my password?" "Like "Captain Marvel" was so hard to guess?" " You had no right!" " What's the big deal?" "This is totally perverted!" " Where did you get those panties?" " I have a ton of panties like that." "I seriously doubt you have a ton of panties that say, "All you can eat."" " Okay, maybe not a ton." " I'm gonna be sick." "I think I look hot." " There's something wrong with you." " It's no big deal." ""No big deal," she says." "Look, what I mean is you're a dear guy, brah, but no A.F. Einstein." "You call me "brah"?" "I'm not your "brather," I'm your brother." "Your blog shows potential." "You have to take it to the next level." "You have no idea what I am trying to do here." "There is a philosophy." "There is a sensibility and an aesthetic that completely escapes your vulgar..." "Your articles are cool." "You won't gonna generate traffic unless you show skin." "That's what these weirdos read the blog for." "I was doing you a favor." "A favor." "How is my little sister getting half naked and posting pictures doing me a favor?" "You need original amateur content." "Isn't that what you told Trixie?" "What business is this of yours what I told Trixie?" "Maybe you wanna see her naked." "You're a perv like your readers." "I asked Trixie about this before we were friends," " when she was just a checkout girl." " Because you like her." " She's Swedish." " She's not Swedish." " Yes, she is." " Her family's from Orange County and what if she was Swedish?" "See?" "This is why we're not gonna have this conversation." "You don't know the first thing about anything important." " Like what?" " If it wasn't for Swedish movies in the 1960s, practically all movies today would be about robots, okay?" " You're full of shit." " You don't know history!" "Eroticism is in their blood." "They're like a hotbed for modern sexual culture." " You..." "Look it up." " Whatever." "All I know is you need original content, perky tits and smooth legs, not plastic hags with stretch marks." " Plastic..." "Stretch..." "God, who are you?" " I'm gonna be a famous Internet pinup." " Not on my blog." " Yes." "Watch me." "You have no idea what kind of comments I've gotten." " Want me to read them to you?" " Put that down." "This is expensive." "Cora?" "Are you gonna be all right?" "I'm just gonna take a nap and then I'll be totally awake." "Maybe not the best idea." "I hear a lot of people drown like that." "You're funny." "And a fine, fine human being for bringing me home." " Thank you." " Anytime." "But you better go now before Benjamin gets here." "I love him so much." "I really screwed up this time." "I think maybe you should turn off the water before I leave." "Good idea, so I don't have to pee." "Right." "Right-o, buffalo." "What are you looking at?" "Just keep walking, keep walking." "Don't even think about it." "Elektra, so stupid." "Yeah?" "Hi, uh, I just walked past you on the stairs." " Have we met before?" " I don't think so." "Huh." "Can you, uh?" "I feel really weird talking to the door." "You mind opening up?" " Hey." " Hey." "I was waiting for my Realtor." "I'm looking for an apartment on another floor." "Oh, yeah?" " Can I be honest with you?" " Okay." "I was gonna ask you if I could come in and take a look, you know, see if I wanted to buy or not, but that would be a total lie." " Lie?" " I'm just looking for an excuse ...to get into your place." " Why is that?" " Life." " Life?" "Life is funny, you know." "I took one look at you and said to myself, "Elektra, life is fleeting." "And if today is a day you wanna be bad, why not be real bad?" "With that hunk of flesh with the muscles and the crooked smile."" " You think my smile's crooked?" " With a sort of sinister sexiness." "Don't take this the wrong way, you're a very forward woman." "Forward and backward too, if you catch my drift." "You just don't waste any time, do you?" "I know what I like." "And when I like it, I like it right away." "So we can keep talking here." "You can always wonder "what if," or you can pull me inside and do to me everything you ever wanted to do with a woman in bed." "Right there, right there." "Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me." "Just like that." "Don't come yet." "Don't come yet." "God, you know how to fuck me." "Oh, I'm gonna come." "I'm gonna come." "I'll be right back." "Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph." "We're not alone." " What are you talking about?" " There is a dead chick in the bathtub." " Who is this?" " I'm Elektra, you hussy." " Who the hell are you?" " No." "Who is this?" " Obviously, he's your fiancé." " This is not my fiancé." " Yes, he is." "She's still drunk." " I'm not her fiancé." "Yes, you are." "You're both drunk." "Your name is Ben." "I'm sorry, sweetheart." "My name is Dellwood." "Dellwood Butterworth." "And you can call me Dell." " What is he doing in here?" " He lives here, you idiot." " Actually I don't..." "I don't live here." " So, what are you doing in here?" "Well, to be honest, I, um, broke in." " What?" " Is this a robbery?" " I'm calling 911." " This is not a robbery." " You just said you broke in." " And then he raped you." "Whoa!" "Hold up, lady." "Hey." "Whoa." "Now, if anything, ...it was the other way around." " Excuse me?" "You couldn't wait to get my clothes off." " You said you were Ben." " I said no such thing." "I am a great many things, but a liar I am not." "Well, you better be gone when the real Ben gets here." " As soon as I get what I came for." " I'd say you made out pretty well." "Coincidentally, you happened to break in here today?" "I don't buy that." "I refuse to believe God's sense of humor could stoop this low." "To tell you the truth," "I am a private detective, hired by the band to find the missing lyrics." " What?" " For the new album." "I've been tracking your whereabouts since the funeral." "You knew what I was doing all along and still took advantage of me?" "Let's define "advantage" here." "You are a stunning woman." "You came on to me." "You asked, please take care of you because you were just raring to go." "I'm a gentleman." "And I'm only human to boot, darling." " You are a scumbag." " No, listen." "In my line of work, certain lines get crossed." "But I didn't even know you were in the apartment." "Honest." "When I left you at the bar, you were soused." "I meant to come back here before you got home." "Not much of a detective then." "Oh." "Huh." "Well, I was hired to find these and I found them, didn't I?" " Those songs are rightfully hers." " They're not." " You'd be in trouble if it wasn't for..." " If it wasn't for?" " Was that all for show before?" " Take a wild guess." " All of it?" " Most of it." " You liked a bit of it then, didn't you?" " Well, I am not a robot." " You liked more than a bit." " Don't push it." "Can I buy you a coffee?" "I mean, it's only fair." "You know, all those songs are about me." "You know, I've never even listened to the band." "Mostly into bluegrass, some electro." " This Nick Chapel, was he talented?" " Very." "I tell you what." "I don't think anyone's gonna know how many of these things he wrote, so if you have coffee with me," "I'll let you keep the one you like the best." "Is that a deal?" "I suppose it could be." " You gotta shake on it." " I think we're beyond a handshake." "So you just jump on any girl that comes on to you?" "Well, not just any." "Well, mostly, yeah." "I mean, look at the way she's put together." "Hello?" "Hello?" " Hi, sweetie." " Hi, honey." " Ben." " Hi." "Mitch." "This is Beatrice." "Your fiancée was nice enough to let us take a gander." " Thinking of buying on the 7th floor." " Our Realtor never showed." " His car hit a train." " Just brutal." "Well, look." "Thanks a million." "A little out of our price range, but we'll run the numbers." " Good luck." " Benjamin." "Mitch." " Hey." " What's up?" " You were talking in your sleep." " What did I say?" " "What does 10 bucks get me?"" " That's it?" "Yeah, what were you dreaming?" "I don't know." "Really?" "Yeah, I think..." "I think I was back at school in the cafeteria and I wanted to know what 10 bucks got me." "So, what did you get?" " Frozen yogurt." " No shit." "You were humping the pillow." "And a pony." "Frozen yogurt and a pony." "Well, listen up, pony girl." "I just met two venture capitalists in the lobby." " Oh, yeah?" " Mm-hm." "Loaded." " Margaritas?" " No, like, rich." "They saw us at the beach this morning and they are totally smitten." "They were mosquitoes." "I got bit right on my ass." ""Smitten."" "You need to have your ears looked at." "I love my ears." "By a doctor." "Doctors are like mimes, but they talk." "They wanna take us to dinner." "How can you be hungry after that guacamole?" "You don't have to eat it all." "The point is, they gave me 200 bucks to go to the bathroom." " Gross." " Not to watch me go to the bathroom." "Just like a tip to powder my nose prove a little interest in our company." " What company?" " Our company." " We don't have a company." " Female company." "Okay, no need to get upset." "Well, get dressed so that we can make some easy money." "Aren't we supposed to be on vacation?" "Yes, this way, we get all expenses paid." " Okay, but isn't that, like, working?" " Technically." "And again, who's been whining all month about being fired from her job?" " I don't know." " That was a rhetorical question." " Are you saying I got fired?" " You told me you got fired." "I told you I got escorted from the premises." " I quit before they kicked me out." " Whatever." "The producers said that I was never gonna work in that town again." "It's a cheesy line." "He means he's gonna make sure you never get another job in the business." "He didn't say "business," he said "town."" "There are a million other towns besides Chatsworth." "Be that as it may, one of the banker guys recognized you from one of your movies." " Which one?" " He didn't say." "But he said he stumbled upon one of your movies in a hotel." "He's a liar." "I never did a movie in a hotel." " No, he saw your movie in the hotel." " What hotel?" " How am I supposed to know?" " It is an innocent question." "Why do you make it so goddamn hard to have a simple conversation?" "How am I making it hard?" "I am just sharing my point of view." "Or should I go along with every one of your opinions?" ""Yes, Bambi, no, Bambi, whatever you say, Bambi."" "You should be grateful that I try to bring something to our discussions." "I am, but sometimes the thing that you could bring is silence." "Holly." "That sounded harsh." "I'm sorry." "Are you pouting?" "Oh, I see." "You're bringing silence to the discussion." "You've proven your point." "You win." "Come on." "You're not gonna let me go by myself, are you?" "There's two of them." "Please?" "Doesn't feel so good when I'm rhetorical, does it?" "Fine." "Stay." "Thanks." "I forgot I'm babysitting tonight." " Charlotte?" " How do you know?" "I told you I've been following you." "Her aunt Addie is recovering from an accident." "Doctor has a thing for her mother, drove her home the other night." "You have no problem carrying on a conversation all by yourself." "May I ask you something?" "I get the feeling you're gonna ask anyway." "Why didn't you try to prove Nick Chapel was the father of your child?" "You worried about the DNA test?" "No, I didn't feel like having my name dragged in mud all year long." "You don't appreciate questioning that begins with:" ""What first attracted you to the millionaire Nick Chapel?"" " Can I ask you something?" " Divorced, twice." "Usual complaint." "I'm married to the job." "That, and I was told I suffer from a quasi-quixotic desire to set the world straight." "I started as an independent out of Cairo, Illinois, birthplace of wife number one." "I've been moving around ever since." "A friend roadied for some Scottish metal act." "I fell in the rock 'n' roll crowd." "I get asked to do strange things, including forging birth certificates for underage groupies after the fact." "A sort of creepy request that does little to elevate my opinion of men." "But the hours are flexible." "There's always free beer." "In any case, I don't expect you to absorb all this in one sitting." " Am I making you nervous?" " Yes." " Why?" "We already went to bed." " Well, for starters, ...you're just about perfect, darling." " Only almost." " And I have very good taste." " I don't like people with taste." "Girl after my own heart." "I only meant good taste in women." " Well, in that case..." " Secondly, you teach a class." "And I've always been terribly intimidated by teachers." "Particularly sexology teachers." "Is that even a word, "sexology"?" "Oh, yeah." "There's a word for everything these days." "You teach a course on how to act like a porn star in bed." " That's a great title by the way." " Thank you." " How'd you come up with it?" " Came to me in the shower, which is where most of my ideas come from, which is why I'm so clean." " You just made that up, didn't you?" " I do like the resonance of it though." "You know what I mean?" "I've always liked people who can describe the world in their own way." "Well, now you're just blowing smoke up my ass." "An expression I never understood entirely or wanted to." " Still, can we do this again sometime?" " The coffee part or the other part?" " Let's start with the coffee." " I don't know, you talk a lot." "I don't have to." "I can just sit here and not say a word." " I thought you said you didn't lie." " Too late to choose the other part?" "I'll see you around." "Oh, what about the song?" "I told you, you could pick one." "Right." "I'll take this one." "Thank you, Dellwood." "Good luck to you." "As I said, Miss Luxx, call me Dell." "Just leave me alone!" "Eleanor." "Goddamn it, wait." "Don't take the keys." "Why does she always have to be so dramatic?" "I'm sorry." "Nothing I ain't seen before." " I'm Jimmy." " I know." " Has she said something about me?" " I've heard her crying." "What is it with me and elevators?" "Power has been going on and off all day." " You've heard her crying?" " I'm right above you guys." "She's been talking amazing amounts of shit behind my back." "But she's the one cheating on me, you know, with her mother's gardener." "Would I make that up?" "It sounds like a bad porno." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I didn't..." "No apology necessary." "I've never seen your work, but I pass no judgment." "I can't believe this." "This is kind of like a bad porno too, you know." "You know, like, a naked guy stuck in an elevator with a chick who, no offense, is hot as balls." " Things could be worse." " Sure." "It could be a naked guy who talks a lot." "I'm sorry." "I..." "I'm just having a..." "That was so rude." "You're..." "You're sweet." "I followed her out to her mom's estate a few weeks back." "I'm not proud of it, but I get jealous." "Her mom's loaded and they fight all day long." "You should have seen Eleanor, strutting past these gardeners like she has a bell for an ass." "Puts these guys in a trance." "Leaves blowing all over the driveway." "It's a sickness with that girl." "The second I saw her, she just knocked the architecture right out of my legs." " Love." " Love." "When we're not in love, we're miserable wishing we were in love." "And when we are in love, we're miserable that love isn't enough." "You said it." "It's not like we don't have enough information." "Every song and book and movie out there is about love." "Still, it fucks up just about everybody." "You don't have a sister by chance?" "I do, actually." " Cute?" " Twin, identical." "No kidding." "Like in that movie you did?" "How would you know?" "You've never seen my work." "That's okay." "I was a little offended." "So, what does she do?" "She's a criminal." "The irony is she never got caught doing anything when we were kids." "I was always grounded, mostly for chasing the neighbor's chickens till they passed out." "You look like crap." "How are you holding up?" "I wanted to bring you a book, but they wouldn't let me, so I brought plain old cash." "They don't allow books." "You can dip a page in acid, sell off little squares for a bunch of money." "I keep trying your lawyer." "He never calls me back." "Is he doing anything?" "He's a goofball." "He says they'll move me, and that's a good thing." " What about the appeal?" " Tell me about Hollywood." "Is it decadent and wonderful?" "I don't really know." "I work in the Valley." "But there's an endless supply of empty warehouses." "You're getting more and more famous." " Yeah, I guess." " Don't be so modest." "Staff members started taking my picture while I shower." " They can do that?" " They do whatever they want." " Oh, I'm so sorry." " I don't mind so much." "They just sort of stand there, stare, drool and leave." "You're not spending it all up your nose?" "No." "Look at me." "Trying to be a good example." " You eating?" " Yeah." "You?" "Get up every morning at 5:30 for breakfast." "It's either pancakes with no syrup, French toast with no syrup, three kinds of eggs, or shit on a shingle." "That's chipped beef and gravy on toast." "We got lima beans three times a day." "The Honor Ranch planted a bumper crop of lima beans, so we got them coming out of our ears." "Lima-bean stew, in Jell-O, creamed lima beans." "Jesus H." "You got a big following with the Mexican girls." "They even asked me to make a movie in here, but I turned them down." " Did they try anything?" " They tried." "I had a couple of them." "The lisp is a bit of a magnet." "It gets worse when I get nervous." " You can barely hear it." " It's okay." "The cost of doing business around here." " Celia." " They put me in the quiet room." "Eight days one time, 12 days the next time." "No matter who you think you are, you never get used to that." "I gotta get you out of here." "Don't kid yourself." "I'm not getting out of here for a couple of years." "But when I do, I am never coming back." "I'm moving to some beach somewhere away from all the assholes." "I wanna drink myself silly, eat shrimp cocktail and get my nipples tanned in the breeze." " Oh, you hear about the old man?" " No." "Mom wrote saying the cocksucker died last Christmas." "Heart attack." "Might've made it, but the ambulance taking him to the hospital ran a red light, got plowed by a truck, finished him right off." "Like someone up there wanted to make sure the job was done." "Celia." "Good riddance, huh?" "Yeah." "Wasn't so bad." "So she ever get out?" "Three years ago." "Haven't heard from her since." "Oh, hey, this is yours." "You can use my phone." "Call the locksmith." "Yeah, well, it's already been like 30 minutes and..." "Okay, I see." "Yeah, will do." "Thank you." "Mm-mm." "Can I ask you something?" "You can ask." "What if I showed you what a good neighbor I can be?" "Then you should go." "What if I refuse?" "I have a gun under my bed." "Prove it." "Go home to your wife, slick." " I didn't mean anything by it." " I know." "And please leave the robe." " Can I ask you something else?" " You can ask." "When you look at Eleanor, does she strike you as the cheating type?" "No." "You think maybe I'm just imagining all this stuff with the gardener?" "I hope so." "What is this?" " What are you doing?" "No." " Just let me finish this song." " No." " Olive, Olive." " No." " Back off!" " I'm fulfilling my manifest destiny." " Back off!" "No!" "Get off!" "To the good life." " Yeah." " Thank you." " You made it." " Please, come sit." " How are you feeling?" " Much better." "Thank you." "I am Michael Ortiz." " I'm George." " Holly." "You know, you're a lot taller in person." "And you must be the adventure capitalists." "Now, how is that different from regular capitalists?" " That's very clever." " You are funny." " She's funny." " I'm funny." "Would you like something to eat or drink?" " Oh, yeah, let's take a look." " All right." " I didn't know you wore glasses." " I'm blind as a bat." "I have a water retention problem around my ankles." "Ever get that?" "It feels like there's an alien under your skin." "It's not intestinal." "Did Bambi tell you what she's been going through?" " Is your stomach bothering you?" " I'm feeling fine." "She was up all night with Montalban's revenge." "You mean Montezuma's?" "After that actor from Fantasy Island, right?" "She's making another joke." "It's all these beans these Mexicans serve." "Thank God I don't have a problem with gas." "Bring me beans and beer, everybody steer clear." " Holly." " Yes?" "Come with me to the ladies' room." " I don't have to go." " Keep me company." "I just got here." "Did Bambi tell you about her grandmother Lupita yet?" " No." " I don't think they wanna hear this." "Why not?" "You go take a piss and I'll tell them the story." "Do you know that Bambi's real name is Bambola de la Concepcion Paradis?" "It is not." " You're of Spanish descent?" " Half Spanish." "Just the really filthy words like that." "Yeah, the only Spanish that I know is mas cerveza and grande frijol." ""Big bean," it means." "Do you know that?" "Don't look like you have a big bean." " Holly." " There's only one way to find out." "Anyway, Bambi's grandmother was a total babe in the South African nation of, um..." " What was it again?" " South America." " Yeah, where was she from?" " Venezuela." "She won Miss Venezuela like two or three times and caught the eye of a general." "And these Hispanics are constantly, I don't know, changing dictators and overthrowing governments and..." "I don't know why I'm telling you." "You guys are both from "Hispain."" "So anyway, this general had a real hard-on for Lupita, a young poet's wife." "He sent her elaborate gifts, which she returned until finally, he had her husband arrested on fake charges and then she made an appointment to see him." "He made her wait all day before she was let into his office." "Your husband is a fool." "It's none of my business if you live with a fool, but if you wanna see him, you'll bend to my wishes ...like the precious flower you are." " You can't do this." "Your husband will rot in that prison until you give yourself to me." "That will never happen." "Your words, not mine." "Exactly one month passed with no word from her husband when her brother was dragged from his classroom by the general's secret police." "The newspaper said he was part of a conspiracy to kill the dictator." "You're tougher than your brother." "We broke him in half a day." "You could help him if you wanted to, if you weren't so proud." "I think maybe you like this." "Maybe you've never been touched by a real man." "Don't you wanna know what a night of passion with a real man can do?" "To tell you the truth, I'm not even mildly curious." "I am the most patient person I know, Lupita." "You ever read the Bible?" "Listen to this." ""I am the door." "By me, if any man enter in, he shall be saved."" "That's St. John." "You can be like St. John and be that door for me, Lupita." "Let me enter you." "Let me be saved by you." "It took another six weeks and the arrest of her father for Lupita to finally break." "She agreed to see the general and do anything he asked her as long as her family was spared." "I may not be the most honorable man, but I keep my promises." "You will go to hell for this, you know that." "I'm sure the sky will fall, snakes and spiders raining on people." "Maybe not like that, but justice is coming." "We will all pay for our sins." "Till then, we do the best that we can." "I didn't do all this to hurt you." "I did this because I can't help myself around you." "It's your own fault for being God's most perfect creature." "My mother once told me:" ""If you're going to be a whore you might as well be a high-priced whore."" "She'd be very proud of you today." "Yes." "Yes." "Because I am not a whore." "And the next day, she was arrested and executed by a firing squad." "Is that true?" "That is the true story of Bambi's grandmother Lupita." " Well, she's a real firecracker, huh?" " Yes." "I have to run to the little girls' room because I'm bleeding like a stuck pig." "Be back." "Ticktock." "Yeah?" "It's me." "Benjamin who?" "Benjamin, my fiancé." "He's coming up." " Who is this?" " Cora." "Where are you?" "Downstairs in the car." "He said to wait for him here." "How did you find me?" "Father McKinley, but there's no time." "Listen up." " Wait." "There's someone at my door." " It's Benjamin." "He recognized you from the video, so he asked me how I knew you, and I decided to come clean about the Nick Chapel incident." "It went wrong and somehow I told him that you slipped me some Quaaludes." "What?" "And you and the detective are blackmailing me." "You what?" "It was stupid but just go along with it." "He's mad as a hornet." "So you brought him to my place?" "He's a mild-mannered man." "He's a birdwatcher for fuck's sake." "He recognized you." "Your eye color is a match for the Green-cheeked Conure." " The what?" " It's a type of parrot." "Go along with it." "I am begging you." "I will do anything you want me to for the rest of my life." "You name it, I'll do it." "I'm begging you." "Miss Luxx, do I look like a jerk to you?" "Let me rephrase that." "Miss Luxx, I am not a jerk." "Under different circumstances, you'd see right away." "I'm one of the least jerk-type guys around." "And I figure you've met your share." "Am I right or am I out of line?" "In the world that you've chosen to sell your wares, to apply your talents, to present yourself as a commodity, a vendible, you've met some not-so-nice guys." "Am I correct, Miss Luxx?" "You can call me Elektra." "Can I?" "Because I don't really know you, now, do I?" "Well, no." "What we do know is you're a phony." " Excuse me?" " Is it not your job to fake the most intimate emotions?" "Pleasure?" "Joy?" "You're a phony." "Objectively speaking, yeah?" "Among colloquials." "And if you knew my Cora like I know Cora, and how could you?" "You can't, but if you did, you would know that she is a life enthusiast." "Well, I assure you that I've never..." "Someone looking to broaden her horizons." "Moral?" "Yes." "Not infallible." "And here you come, a sex-industry celebrity, charitable with your Quaaludes and your drummer boyfriend, and he preyed upon the fact that it was his song we listened to on our engagement night." "Did you know?" "No." "Yeah, we did." "His famous song." "His power ballad." "What's it called?" ""Set Me Free or..."" ""Set Me on Fire or Set Me Free, Silky Marie."" "Yes." "And you throw a lot of sand in her eyes, don't you?" "Pixie dust." "And suddenly, she wakes up in a bathroom 20,000 feet in the air with a drug casualty in heavy turbulence and you have the nerve to blackmail her." "What kind of person are you?" "Just so we're clear, you will never get another penny from us." "I refuse to become your mule, whatever it's called in blackmailer's parlance, in your vulgar patois." "I've never hit a woman, but if you start bothering my fiancée," "I will kick your ass something serious." "Same offer goes for your detective bitch." "I may look like I have zero combat rating, but trust me," "you don't wanna tussle with me." "What kind of person am I?" "I wish I had a clue, little one." "I didn't say that." "Girls, lunchtime." "You come back here." "They put me in the quiet room." "Eight days one time, 12 days the next time." "No matter who you think you are, you never get used to that." "Please don't go, Dad." "The rock-music world is in shock with the news that Nick Chapel, drummer for the rock band Midnight Love Parade, has been found dead in the lavatory of a commercial airliner." "You're so pretty, you could be a movie star." "Come on, don't be scared." " Don't be scared." " Fuck." "Shit." "Oh, my God." "Hello, Elektra." "What are you?" " Are you?" " Yes, I am." "The actual Virgin Mary?" "That whole thing is blown out of proportion." "Mary is fine." "I'm hallucinating, right?" "Am I dying?" "Is it a tumor?" "No, I'm really here." "All right." "I'm gonna close my eyes and when I open them you won't be here." ""Snow white, sinful, everything fits tight." "Nipples like 12-penny nails dancing in the light."" "This doesn't strike me as hit-single material." "It's a first draft." "Needs a little work." "The entire lyric is about your breasts." "He wrote one about my ankles too." "But he didn't mean it like that." "It's just his way of..." "Mary, what are you doing here?" "You're not happy to see me?" "Oh, I am." "Just..." "I never imagined I'd actually be talking to you." "Well, sure you did." "You used to talk to me every night." " I did?" " "Dear Mary, Mother of Sorrows, does anyone hide as many deep secrets as I hide inside?"" "And you were listening?" "I'm here, aren't I?" "Hm." "Dear Mary, Mother of Sorrows," "I've had kind of a tough day, week, year." "I'm sorry to burden you with my problems." "I'm sure you have more important people..." "Don't." "People always do that." "They ask for help and then say there's someone else I should be helping." "I'm here." "Ask me anything you wanna know." " Anything?" " As long as it isn't the capital of South Dakota." " Anything?" " Anything." "Past, present or future." "Just one question, please." "People tend to abuse this privilege." "Will my baby be healthy?" "She's perfectly healthy." "She?" "Strictly speaking, I'm not supposed to do that." "Actually, I came to give you a message." "What message?" "Something good is going to happen to you." "That's it?" "Today." "That's the important part." "Today." "Isn't today almost over?" "It's not over yet." "I had such high hopes for my life when I was little." "I just really thought it was all gonna turn out different, you know." "It's how you do things, not necessarily the things you do that make you who you are." "What's your heart worth?" "What?" "A person's worth what their heart is worth." "You know that, don't you?" "Don't confuse me even more." "You're not confused." "You're just afraid." " I am so afraid." " Of what?" "A harmless little baby?" "But what am I gonna tell her when she grows up?" "That her mom made her living spreading her legs on camera?" "What kind of example is that?" "I can just picture the other moms sneering and their husbands making passes, or maybe not even." "Maybe the baby weight never comes off, and I'm just some fat ex-porn star collecting unemployment, charging for appearances at fan convention..." "For one generation, it was the assassination of a beloved president." "For another, the killing of a peace-loving musician." "For the one after that, the suicide of yet another peace-loving musician." "But for my generation and that of my peers, the shocking announcement of Elektra Luxx's sudden retirement from the adult-film industry defined the end of an era." "A loss, not of innocence, not exactly, but a potentially insurmountable loss, nonetheless." "I am Bert Rodriguez from En Pelotas Magazine, the adult Latin world's numero uno source for breaking sexy news and it is my duty, sad as it may be, to put into context what is no longer rumor" "but ice-cold fact." "For weeks we've held our collective breath and prayed that the rumor mill was simply just milling." "But we must now face her unexpected, Garboesque decision to walk away from the spotlight." "Roberto?" "What?" "I'm working." "That checkout girl is here again." "Let's take a break." "Thanks, compadre." "Trixie, with an X." "Yep." " That Walton kid is cute." " He's an innocent." " Don't drag him into this." " Into what?" "Just saying he doesn't need to grow up any faster than he already has." " The world has enough grown-ups." " You're in a funky mood." "Oh, yeah." "I'm sorry." "I just can't seem to shake it." "You know, I even went to the cemetery to remind myself that she's not dead." " And?" " Oh, it didn't help." "I'm thinking of starting a support group, not just online but in person." "Like kindred spirits going through it together." "Let's talk about something else." "I would if there was anything else." "So you wanna see the pictures?" "Because I'm really nervous about showing you these." "What pictures?" "I told you I was gonna get test shots." "Test shots?" "Yeah, to see if I had what it takes." "You know, the "it" quality that..." "Did Olive put you up to this?" "No." "I've decided I wanna become an Internet pinup." "Oh, wow." "Okay." "Well, this is a lot more eclectic than you made it sound." "I look fat, don't I?" "No, not at all." "You look, very..." "Wow, I can almost see your kidneys in this one." "Yeah, the photographer said that's a key pose if you wanna make it out of the amateur world." "You look very contemplative here." "Yeah, it was a heck of a pose to hold." "You don't think I look a little bit like a squid?" "No." "No, not at all." "But, Trixie, I don't know if you should necessarily be going around and showing these to just anyone." "I mean, they're very personal, for lack of a better word." "You look beautiful." "It's not that." "You..." "Every part of you is..." "It's very well-lit and it's very well-manicured." "Are you blushing?" "Yeah, it just got hot in here, right?" "Are you a little, um, flustered?" ""Flustered." No." "I'm..." "Just feel a little strange, don't you?" "Just a little clammy maybe." "The a.c. hasn't been working and, um, this whole Elektra Luxx thing has really hit me harder than I've let on." "Can we not talk about Elektra for a second?" "Look at me." "I'm real and I'm here." "Yeah, I know." "I'm not that out of it." "Here." " Feel my heart." " Very strong." "Beats all the way from here" "to here." "So it does." "Oh, God." "Can't you see, Bert Rodriguez, you ridiculous man?" "I have zero interest ...in becoming an Internet pinup." " You don't?" "The only reason I come down here is so that I can see you." "That's silly." "Trixie." "Yeah." " No." " Yeah." "But you said you never had a best guy friend before ...and that meant a lot to you." " Well, what can I say?" " But what about these pictures?" " They're for you." "For me?" "So you went to some weirdo photographer, some '70s throwback who specializes in nude figure modeling to take pictures just to show me?" "No, actually, Olive took them." " Olive?" "Bane-of-my-existence Olive?" " Yes." "I'm feeling a little fuzzy." "Oh-oh." "No." "You're not gonna faint before you kiss me." "I'm not planning on fainting at all." "I'm just saying that I'm feeling a little woozy because" "I haven't eaten..." "Bert?" "Bert?" "Oh, fuck." "Well..." "Well, you never know where things will take you, do you?" "I listen to your voice every day, Bert." "I recorded one of your goofy streaming chats and edited it so that instead of talking about different pubic hairstyles worn by porn stars, it says:" ""You're an uncontaminated blossom in a wilderness of evil."" "Don't ask me what it means." "All I can say is that every morning," "I wake up to that voice like Pavlov's dog." "A voice my clit recognizes instantly." "You tantalize me, Bert Rodriguez." "I wanna swallow you whole and spit out the bones." "Do you wanna tell me what the hell it is you think you're doing?" "Going with the flow?" "Being funny?" "The idea is to show these guys a good time." " You mean your idea." " Yes, Holly, my idea." "Seeing as your idea is some bizarre attempt at teaching these guys a lesson in morals, I say go with mine." "And who made you boss?" "Was there a vote?" " What is with you?" " I was gonna ask the same question." "What am I doing?" "Trying to make us some money." " Pimping me out." " Pimping us both out." "Seeing as that's what we do for a living." " There's more to it than the money." " Like what?" "Maybe you've been getting pawed at by pigs for so long that you're actually starting to like it." "Rest assured it's all an act." "Well, that's what you say." " Who else is gonna say it?" " Now you're just trying to confuse me." "Because you know it's an act." "You're trying to hurt my feelings." "How do I know that?" "How do you know that?" "Because you know me better than anybody, Holly." "You're my best friend." " Am I?" " What is that supposed to mean?" "Friends aren't supposed to be embarrassed of each other." " Who says I'm embarrassed?" " Nobody." "I'm the one who's embarrassed." "You're embarrassed of me?" "You've got a lot of nerve." "You can be embarrassed of me but I can't be of you?" " I never said I was." " You don't have to." "I can tell." "Oh, stop it." "It's not true." "Your word against mine." "Why would I be embarrassed?" "Because I'm not the sharpest stool in the shed." "Where does it say I wanna hang out with the sharpest tool in the shed?" ""Tool," sorry." "No need to apologize." "So you struggle with big words." "Big deal." ""Tool" is not a big word." "Well, it's not an everyday word." "Unless you work at a hardware store." "Maybe I should get tested." "Tested for what?" "To see if I'm acoustic." " Autistic?" " That." "Holly, you're not autistic." "What the hell is wrong with me?" "I never understand what anybody's talking about." "It's like the entire world got handed an instruction manual except for me." "I think sometimes you're easily distracted." "Mostly around you." "What do you mean?" " I think I'm distracted by you." " Great." "It's my fault again." "Not like that." "It's just because you're..." "You're so pretty and smart and generous and funny and kind." "Well, I'm not all that kind." "I know how much patience it takes to hang around me." "I do." "I love you, Bambi." "I love you too." "Okay." "What do you say we take a deep breath, we go back out there and we show these guys..." "No, not like I like you, I mean..." "Which I do." "I'm in love with you." "I know you don't feel the same way, but I couldn't go on another second without telling you." " I think you're a little drunk." " I've never been this sober in my life." "Holly, we're not even gay." " Neither are you." " That's my point." "No, it's not about being straight or gay, okay?" "I just..." "Yeah, I love you." "I've never been clearer about anything." " This is ridiculous." " I know." "Are you serious?" "But I mean..." "I don't under..." "I mean, this is retarded." "What are we supposed to do, go out on a date?" "Maybe." "So you wanna have sex with me?" "I mean, I dream about it almost every night." "Holly, you're making me blush." "I'm telling you the truth." "So the dream about the pony?" "I'm afraid of ponies." "But I am wet with indecent happiness for you." " Really?" " Really." " What about men?" " What about them?" "I'm gonna need penis once in a while." " Who doesn't?" " Who doesn't?" "Look, I'm not saying yesterday I'm sucking cocks like a madwoman, and today I forgot about the whole thing, it's just..." "The person that I wanna be with night and day is you." "The rest will sort itself out." " This is crazy." " I know." " It doesn't make sense." " Doesn't have to." "No, we might really regret this in the morning." "I don't care." "I don't care." "Sorry, I couldn't wait any longer." "My mother-in-law's probably cracking jokes about how it's taking me so long in here." ""Beans, beans, beans." "What is this country's obsession with putting beans in everything?"" " Howdy, partner." " Hey." "Where's your mom?" "She dropped me off." "She was late for a date." " By the way, your elevator is broken." " Still?" "How was your day?" "Disaster." "You?" "Same." "What happened?" "Just perfected a skill for pissing everybody off these days." "A skill is a skill." "Don't knock it." " Smoke?" " I thought you quit?" "Another resolution I couldn't keep." "Thank you." "I tracked down my dad." "He's in Arizona State serving a nickel stretch on a robbery charge." "Are you gonna visit him?" "I'm gonna start with a letter, go from there." "Yeah, that's a sensible thing to do." "Fathers are way complicated." "Can I ask you something?" "Anything." "If you only retain 23 percent of what you learn in high school, what's it for?" "It's like a test run for life." "You know, how to deal with people." " Mean people." " Mostly mean people." " Were you popular in high school?" " I was a total misfit till I was a senior, ...then I got a little too popular." " What changed?" "I was a late developer." "Intellectually speaking." "You are a riot." "Look, I know you've heard this before, but if you peak in high school, you're done." "The less you fit in now, the better chance you have at a happy life." "What was your day disaster?" " Totally child inappropriate." " Sex, drugs, murder?" " No drugs involved." " Jesus!" "Are the cops gonna come busting in any second?" "That's freaky." "Probably your mom forgot something." "Mrs. Turner?" "Do you realize your elevator isn't working?" "Yes, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry to bother you at home." "May I come in?" " Um, of course." " All right." "Charlotte, this is my friend Mrs. Turner." "No." "No, it isn't." "Charlotte." "This is Rebecca Linbrook." "I've read all your novels." "Aren't you a little young for them?" "Rebecca Linbrook, the mystery writer?" " That's me." " I read one of your books." "The one that got turned into that movie with what's-his-name as the detective." "Alan Rickman." "The ending was way better in the book." "Have to agree with you there, young lady." "Why did you tell me your name was Mrs. Turner?" "Well, uh, may I?" "Yes." "You have to understand I haven't done my own research for years." "I usually hire someone else to do it for me." "But there was something intriguing about your ad." "The ad in the paper about your class." "And I felt compelled to check it out myself." "I'm not sure I follow." "She's been coming to your class posing as a student to write a character based on you." " You have?" " In so many words." "I'm not sure how I feel about that." "Well, awful, I should think, when I tell you what sort of character I was looking for." "What sort of character?" "Something lurid, I bet." "A fallen woman." "A future murder victim, perhaps?" "Charlotte, please." "A desperate woman on a downward spiral." "She was once a very famous adult-film star." "Now she's being cast in mother roles which, of course, her ego can't take, so she decides to start a class at a community center, unwittingly attracting a stalker with ties to her past." "I never got cast in mother roles." "Maybe he's a jilted ex-boyfriend or the deformed janitor at her old high school." " She has a twin she never talks about." " I have a twin sister." " I spoke with her." " You spoke with my sister?" "I always wanted a twin sister." "I used to check under my bed." " I didn't tell her what it was about." " Why did you speak with my sister?" " Like I said, character background." " I think you better go now." "Oh, no, no, no." "There's no reason to be scared or uncomfortable." "I'm telling you all of this precisely because I am not writing a character based on you anymore." "You're not?" "Absolutely, categorically not." "What changed your mind?" "I needed a femme fatale." "A tragic figure." "And you just kept changing my perception of the character so then I became interested in you." "I became intrigued with how positive you remain even having led such a sordid life." "It takes more than willpower." "It takes gusto to remain that stubborn." " I can't tell if you're making fun of me." " I don't think she is." "Look at her eyes." "Charlotte, um, will you let us talk in private for a moment?" "Sure thing." "Nice meeting you, Miss Linbrook." "Nice meeting you too, Charlotte." "Quite honestly, I'm afraid of children." "They're everywhere." "I know what you mean, but Charlotte's all right." "So how can I help you?" "Do you have any Scotch?" "Sorry, I don't." "That's all right." "I'm a lone wolf, Elektra." "I've become more and more secretive the older I get." "It's not really my nature." "It's this rotten fame as a novelist." "I've learned to talk a lot, but I never really reveal anything about myself." "To be quite honest, I've had a bit of a day." "I had a terrible fight with my daughter, whose boyfriend lives below you, technically her husband now." "That's how you came onto the radar." "I saw you coming out of that limousine with that rock star." " Wait, Eleanor is your daughter?" " Yes." "Yes, and I love her desperately, but she's just so spoiled." "It's just impossible." "Stop." "I don't know what it is, but everybody has this bizarre compulsion to tell me their problems." "I know I look wise and enlightened, but I cannot help you whatsoever." "I am a total mess myself." "I know." "I know." "You're pregnant and you're broke and you're in terrible debt with the IRS and you don't have any real career prospects." "Well, you don't have to put it like that." "How do you feel about self-help books?" " I hate them." " Same here." "They only help the person that writes them." " I couldn't agree with you more." " Right." "With all due respect, you are going somewhere with this, right?" "Oh, yes, I want to write a book about your class." "About my class?" "When a woman reaches my age, Elektra..." "Well, when a woman my age writes mysteries, everybody automatically assumes that you're a lesbian, but in my case, there's this cruel irony in that when one finally figures out how the equipment works," "then all the men are dying or they're chasing teenagers." "In fact, none of my friends would ever guess that I am dating my Filipino landscaper, Lamberto," "20 years my junior." "And by "dating," I mean we mostly stay in bed." "And all of that is due to you, my dear." "I want to write a self-help book that actually helps." "I've already spoken to my publisher about it." "What did they say?" "He wrote you an advance." "That's a lot of zeros, isn't it?" "That's just the start." "Are you?" "Is this real?" "Oh, of course." "Of course, sometimes good things happen to good people." "Today, something good is happening to you." "What did you say?" "I sell a lot of books, Elektra." "And when a world-famous author decides to dip her feet into the waters of the self-help arena, well, let's just say that my esteemed publisher will move mountains to make sure it's a bona fide hit." "Especially something as titillating and spiritually healing as:" "How to Act Like a Porn Star in Bed." "Swell title, by the way." "Thank you." "It came to me while I was in the shower." " We're gonna have to change it." " Oh, yeah?" "Yes, something a little catchier with a little ring to it." "Maybe:" "Women in Ecstasy." "Woman in Ecstasy." "Yes, how's that roll off your tongue?" "I like it." "Yeah?" "You know, they say all it takes to survive bad fortune is decent manners." "But good fortune, that takes character." "You're going to be a very rich woman, Elektra Luxx." "Better make sure your head's on right." "As right as it's ever gonna be." "To Women in Ecstasy." "To Women in Ecstasy." ""When you begin to mount the edge of the most fantastic shivering spasm, it's not bad form to look him in the eye and say:" "'I don't know where I'm going, but if you move, I will kill you.'" "And if you're with a woman, you might compliment her hair." "Nothing makes us more insecure, even with our ankles behind our ears, than our hair looking all funny."" "Chapter two: "How to Seduce Just About Anything that Moves."" "Which is a good place for us to stop." "You will have to buy the book to find out." "Oh, hey, Jean, how lovely of you to come." "Of course." "I started talking dirty to my husband in the act." "It's completely changed the way we communicate." "Not just in the bed, all the time." "Turns out I have a real flair for coming up with the filthiest things." " He can't get enough." " That is great, dear, whatever it takes." "Thank you." " Lamberto." " Excuse me, sir." "The only merchandise she's signing is the book." " Bert?" " Hi, Elektra." "Oh, he's okay, Lamberto." "How are you doing?" "Very good, very good." "How are you?" "You look so curvaceous." "Oh, well, I'm about to explode." " How is the website doing?" " Very good." "We have a new layout for easier site navigation." " My girlfriend, Trixie, designed it." " You have a girlfriend?" "Six months." "She helped me through a hard time." "Would you like to meet her?" " Yeah." "Of course." " Yeah?" "Yeah." " Hi." " Hi, Trixie." "I'm Elektra." " I've heard so much about you." " You can't prove any of it." "Oh, it's all good, don't worry." "Yes, Elektra, well, first off, congratulations on this epochal event." "Your debut, it's sure to be a bestseller." "We have links on our website to almost every online retailer ...that carries the book." "Yeah." " That's so nice of you." "Go on, ask her." " What?" " Well, now that you're pregnant, there's been unprecedented chat-board speculation since you're so famously naturally endowed as to exactly how much bigger your breasts have gotten." "And we conducted a poll guessing actual measurements, but I promised I'd make an inquiry." "If it's not too offensive to ask." "Yeah, uh, Miss Luxx, he means it in the most innocent way." "Water..." " You wanna take a water break?" " No, no, no." "That's not what I mean." "Oh, you want us to get you some water." "No, no, no." "I don't need any water." "I think my water just broke." " Your what?" " My water just..." "It broke." "Holy Jesus, her water broke." "Oh, my God." "Are you gonna be okay?" "Call a cab." "Put this in the trunk flat, not folded." " Yeah." "Excuse me." " Oh, my God." " I have a car." "I can bring it around." " Dell?" " I'll get you to a hospital." " Sure?" "Yes, I'm sure." "Come on, work with me." "Please don't drop me." "Elektra Luxx, I would die a happy man before I drop you." "Let's go get this baby born." "Come on, people, work with me here." "Watch Elektra Luxx in her farewell to the adult-motion-picture industry." "You wanna play games?" "I like games." "When I ask you a question, you'll know." "Doing everything you want her to be doing." "Lose everything." "Except the boots, captain." "Women." "Good." "I was tired of sheep." "She's a special agent in the Old West in a town with no rules." "Barkeep, bring me a stiff one." "What about the parole board?" "I am the parole board." "I see." "Are you man enough to ride this saddle?" "Assigned to protect a murder witness." "She'll do whoever it takes to get the job done." "Gosh, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse." "Try me instead." "I taste better." "Hot dog." "I will turn you into manure." "I bet you can't even spell it!" "Come here." "You were right." "Tastes like honey." "The harder things get in this mission, the more she comes through and she's not coming alone." "Whoa, Nelly!" "My daddy's home." "So join Holly Rocket," "Venus Azucar," "Follow me." "Sabrina Capri," "Jimmy Cojones, ...and the legendary Elektra Luxx" " Giddyup, horsy." "in a film by award-winning director Alan Lickman." "Even Reverse Cowgirls Get the Blues." "Coming soon as an exciting digital file to download everywhere."