"Please put your hands together for Mr. Bill Engvall!" "Thank you very much!" "It is great to be here in the nation's capital!" "Wow!" "It is so great to be here." "And I would..." "'Cause I was afraid I wasn't gonna be able to make it, 'cause I thought I broke my ribs, 'cause I'm an idiot." "Well, I bought my son a trampoline." "You see where this is headed?" "Well, you know the rule." "The one that puts it together gets to try it out first." "He was off at school, I got this thing all put together, I start to climb up on it, my wife goes, "Hey, hey, hey." ""Why don't you wait for him to get home from school?"" "I said, "Hey, hey, hey." "Why don't you hush?" ""Please."" "Yeah. I ain't that big a idiot, all right?" "So I hop up on this trampoline, I start jumping up and down, it all came back to me." "I said, "Oh, I remember this."" "I started doing seat drops and knee drops." "Yeah, then I got cocky." "I forgot one very important thing about a trampoline." "If you don't hit square, you go up at an angle." "And you don't come down at that same angle." "You come down at an equal and opposite angle." "Yeah, I'm 20 feet in the air, now my high-school geometry kicks in." "As I curl into the fetal position and bang off the rail onto the ground, my wife's laughing so hard, she nearly peed herself." "I learned two important things that day about a trampoline." "Number one, the springs will pull the hair out of your legs." "And number two, the dog doesn't like to jump." "It's a wonder I'm alive." "I'm always doing idiotic stuff like that." "Anybody ever set your hair on fire?" "Me, too!" "And not the hair on my head." "All right, shall we not go to the gutter so quick?" "It was the hair on my arms." "Now, I want you to think back to when you were a kid." "Do you remember the day you realized you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?" "Oh, what a great day that was." "You got to be God." "You decided who lived, who died." "I must have burned ants for an hour, just laughing." "Then I saw one on my arm." "Let me tell you something, you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own." "You can't even tell your mom, 'cause they give you that look like, "Oh, he is that stupid."" "Remember chin-up bars in elementary school?" "Yeah." "So do I." "Fourth grade, me and my buddy got this idea, we would ride our Sting-Ray bikes through the chin-up bar." "When we got to the chin-up bar, we would grab the bar, let our bike go and then just swing there." "'Cause we're idiots." "One day we were on the playground." "It had been raining." "We didn't think metal got slick when it got wet." "Never had cause to think that thought." "We're straddling our bikes, trying to look cool, and I look over at the swings, I see these two little fifth-grade girls." "I looked at my buddy, I said, "Hey, man." "Older women." ""l'll go first."" "Boy, I spun that knobby tire in the mud." "I'm flying towards that chin-up bar." "The banana seat's getting hot just from the wind blowing by it." "I hit that bar, I grabbed it, let my bike go, and my full weight hit my hands on that wet pole." "I went..." "Knocked out cold on the ground." "My friend flips out." "He goes running across the street to my house where my mom's in bed sick with the flu, runs into her bedroom and screams, "Bill's dead!"" "About the time I came to, I saw a woman in a nightgown and panties run at me, going..." "Boy, I wish I had have died." "That's what my wife puts up with every day." "Thank God she puts up with me." "I think my wife puts up with me, though, 'cause I try." "And I think that's all any guy can do, just try." "That's right." "'Cause we ain't never gonna get it." "'Cause as soon as we get close, you ladies change it." "It's like this memo goes out," ""They're getting close, change it, change it, change it, change it."" "But I try." "Like when I'm home, I try to get up in the morning, make breakfast for my family." "I make good American breakfast." "Eggs, bacon, sausage, toast, coffee." "Here's the problem." "No matter what eggs I start out to make, they always end up scrambled." "God, I can't work that yolk." "I even bought that stupid spatula off TV." "You know, the one with the forks?" "Yeah, and the announcer goes, "Even a moron can flip an egg now."" "Apparently not." "Can't have sausage anymore." "Not 'cause of any health reasons, just 'cause I saw a commercial that scared me to death." "I'm watching TV one night, this commercial comes on." "This is what the announcer said, word for word." ""The eggs are from real chickens." "The milk is from real cows." ""The sausage is from Jimmy Dean."" "Really?" "You'd think somebody would have caught that." "But I know my wife loves me." "Not too long ago, I had to get out of bed, got dressed." "She goes, "Where you going?" l said, "l got my yearly physical today."" "She goes, "Oh, I'll go with you."" "It's like, "Okay." "How boring is your day?"" "I wouldn't go with her to her physical." "God!" "Seen it." "Yeah, it's not like we're gonna break any new ground there." "It's not like I'm gonna go, "Wow, Doc, what is that?"" "But she was in the room when the doctor told me my cholesterol's getting high." "I'm like, "Good going, Doc."" "Hell, it would've been easier if he just told her I was cheating on her." "Yeah, if he tells her I'm cheating on her, I just got to take some garbage." "Now I got to eat a bunch of it." "He told me to cut out bacon, which sucks, 'cause I love pig." "So my wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon." "Yeah." "Let me tell you something." "I know soybeans are good for a lot of things." "Let's stay out of the bacon market!" "They go, "Looks and tastes like real bacon."" "No, it doesn't!" "Tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like." "She's all worried about my stress." "She goes, "You got too much stress." l go, "l don't have any stress."" "She goes, "Bill, you almost got kicked off an airplane."" "Good point." "Well, here's what happened." "I got on this airline, it was a early morning flight." "And they board us and I sit in my seat and I pull out my Game Boy and start playing it, while they're still boarding." "Yeah, I know." "God forbid I read a newspaper or Time magazine." "I got to get Scooter to level nine." "But I'm minding my own business, playing my Game Boy." "The pilot comes on and makes this announcement." "He goes, "Ladies and gentlemen," ""we're gonna be a little delayed this morning." ""They didn't put enough gas in the plane."" "Why would you make that announcement?" "Make something up!" "Tell me you ate a piece of bad fish and you got the runs." "Tell me something." "Don't tell me we don't got enough gas in the plane." "That's like number two on the checklist for," ""lt's okay to take off."" "Keys, gas." "'Cause, see, the way the process works in my little brain is the gas truck pulls up next to the plane, the pilot sticks his head out the window, and goes, "Fill her up."" "Yeah. I get the one pilot in America," ""We're going to Vegas, give me five bucks." "We'll be all right."" "So I know we're going to be delayed." "Nothing I can do about it." "So I keep playing my Game Boy." "Flight attendant walks by me, and, y'all, I might as well have been building a plutonium bomb." "She flips." "She goes, "Sir!" "Sir!" "You need to shut that off right now!"" "I'm 48 years old." "All of a sudden now I'm six." ""But if I shut it off, then Scooter'll die and I'll have to go back to level one!"" "And then she said it." "She goes, "Sir, do you know where the on/off switch is?"" "I said, "Ma'am," ""when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be a jackass." ""You just pushed my jackass button."" "So I said, "Yeah, I know where the on/off switch is." ""Do you know where the gas cap is?"" "And, you know, a body cavity search isn't that bad if you just relax." "My wife's all worried, she goes, "You're gonna have a stroke," ""you got so much stress." l go, "l'm not gonna have a stroke."" "She goes, "You need a massage." And I go, "No. I don't want a massage."" "And she goes, "Why not?" And I go, "lt's weird." ""Somebody you don't know rubbing on you."" "Hell, that's how I ended up married." "I mean, it worked out, don't get me wrong." "She goes, "Well, you need one."" "I go, "Well, I don't want one, baby."" "She goes, "Well, I already set you up one."" "I'm like, "Why do we even have these conversations?"" "So she takes me to this spa and they put me in this room and it was weird." "There's like pillows all over the floor and this weird Zamfir music playing." "And they got water dribbling over rocks, that's supposed to relax you." "Just made me have to go pee." "I finally got enough nerve to walk out of there and the door opened." "This little 25-year-old blonde girl opens the door and she goes, "Are you Mr. Engvall?" And I went, "No..." "Yeah."" "She goes, "l'm your masseuse." And I go..." "Oh, this ain't gonna be good." "I said, "Don't you got some big fat guy with a hairy back to do this?"" "She goes, "You'll be fine." l go, "l don't think so."" "So she goes, "Okay, go ahead and get undressed and get on the bed."" "And I go, "You mean just down to my underwear?"" "And she goes, "No, you need to be naked."" "I went, "God," ""l know you're testing me here." ""And you need to know, I'm just a C student." "Okay?"" "So she's holding up the sheet and she goes," ""Okay, lay on your stomach." And I went, "Oh, thank God."" "She starts rubbing my back, which felt great." "And then she goes, "So what do you like to have done to you?"" "And I went, "Okay, God, that's enough!"" "Then she starts rubbing my butt." "Yeah." "And all I could think about is, "Don't fart."" "Yeah, you've thought about it, haven't you?" "Yeah!" "'Cause when you're standing up and you got gas, you can kind of clench it in." "But when somebody's rubbing your butt cheeks east and west, yeah, you know one of those icky dog farts is gonna sneak out." "So then she goes, "Okay, roll over on your back."" "And I'm like, "Here it comes."" "And I'm thinking of anything." "I'm thinking of Grandma in her panties, my dad scratching himself with a salad fork, you know." "So I roll over, everything's fine." "Until she takes her hand in the sheet and starts going like this." "I'm like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!" "What are you doing?"" "She goes, "l'm gonna rub your legs." l go, "They're fine."" "She goes, "They seem kind of hard." And I go, "You have no idea."" "So then she comes around the top of me and starts rubbing my chest, which was great, except that her boobs are like..." "She's like, "So you're a comedian." l go, "No, bobblehead doll."" "I walk outside, my wife's like, "How was it?"" "And I go, "Awul!" "I'm more stressed now than I was when I went in there."" "See, I relieve my stress by buying stuff." "I go to Cabela's or Bass Pro Shops." "Yeah." "Here's the problem." "I'm an impulse buyer." "I'll like, "Oh, look, I bought a deer feeder."" "Then I think, "Oh, man, I got to get it home."" "And that drives my wife crazy." "'Cause she's very much a list shopper." "Like, she hates it when I get on airplanes." "Because the airlines now have this magazine called SkyMall magazine." "That is my crack." "I know it's just crap." "But it's crap I gotta have." "I bought a escalator for my house." "Just 'cause it conveniently fits underneath the bed." "That's how they get you." "You ever been flipping through that magazine, not paying a bit of attention?" "And all of a sudden this will catch your eye." ""Tired of your knees touching when you sleep?"" "Well, now that you mention it, yes, I am." "And they sell some stupid stuff in there." "Have you seen that rubber thing you put on your shoes?" "And it says, "You can aerate your own lawn."" "Okay." "How big a loser are you?" "Stomping around your yard, "l'm saving money."" "Don't get me wrong, it works." "She got really mad at me when I bought a digital fly swatter out of that magazine." "Well, come on, it keeps track of swats, hits, and kills." "And the best part is, you could hook it to the Internet, and you could see where you rank nationally as a fly swatter." "I did see one item in that magazine that made me laugh out loud." "It's "House shoes with headlights."" "I couldn't believe it, either." "House shoes with headlights." "My first thought was, "Who buys these?"" "Then the other night I was walking to the bathroom, I stubbed my toe on the bed." "You know what I got now?" "House shoes with headlights, baby!" "They are awesome!" "The other night I took the trash out, my high beams hit a deer, he just stood there." "Sometimes I like to beat my wife to bed and I'll just lay naked on the bed in the dark room except for my house shoes with headlights on." "So it's like a movie premiere. lt's like," ""Hey, hey, hey." ""Coming to a theater near you." ""King Kong."" "She goes, "Put on your underwear, it's more like Smallville."" "Yeah, she gets on me about my shopping, yet she ordered us a catalog that's just stuff for our dogs." "Forty-two pages of dog stuff." "She bought a dog feeding dish that's this high off the ground." "I said, "Why did you buy that?"" "She goes, "So he don't have to bend his neck to eat."" ""l just saw him licking his own ass." ""Excuse me for thinking he's limber enough to eat."" "She goes, "Well, it helps with his digestion."" "I go, "His digestion's just fine." ""l pick it out of the backyard every morning."" "God, she loves them dogs, boy." "I love them, too, but they're just dogs, all right." "We had to take our dogs to be boarded recently." "I don't know if you've had to do this, but it's like checking them into a spa." "I walk our dogs in, the little girl behind the counter goes, "Hi." ""Just a few questions." ""What do your dogs like to sleep on, linen or wool?"" ""Concrete's good."" ""Well, what kind of water do they like?"" ""Clear." ""Put it in a toilet, they'll freak."" "And then she actually asked me this." "She goes, "Would you like to purchase a toothbrush" ""for your dogs for the weekend?"" ""Tell you what, you teach him to hold it, I'll buy the toothbrush."" "See, we got four dogs." "We got two wiener dogs, those are her dogs." "Yeah, they're cute till they have to go to the vet." "Then it's like a billion dollars." "I took our two wiener dogs to our vet." "Our idiot vet goes, "That dog's gonna have back problems."" "I'm like, "Well, no kidding." ""He's got a eight-foot back and two-inch legs." ""Hell, I could have figured that out." ""Here's another one, Doc Obvious." ""That's a boy dog and he's about a quarter inch" ""from dragging his transmission on the sidewalk."" "He goes, "Well, you need to talk to that dog" ""and tell it not to jump off the bed." l was like," ""All right." ""Soon as we get home, me and that dog gonna have a little sit-down."" "Then we got my dog, Duke, he's a basset hound." "He's the perfect dog." "Yeah!" "He eats his own turds." "Perfect dog, right there." "Goes outside to poop, cleans it up." "You can't teach that." "That's just a gift." "Best part about it, my wife doesn't know he does it." "She loves to let that dog lick her in the face." "Right there, that's why my wife and I have never had an argument." "She starts getting on my back and all I say is," ""Duke, Mama wants some loving."" "I took Duke to the vet and told the vet that Duke eats his own turds." "I said, "lsn't that kind of weird?"" "And he goes, "No, a lot of dogs do it."" "He said, "Here, just sprinkle this stuff on his food" ""and it'll make him stop." And I said, "What's it do?"" "And he goes, "lt makes his turds taste bad."" ""l'm sorry, Doc. I'm a little slow here." ""Did you just say the phrase, 'lt'll make his turds taste bad'?"" "Hey, if you've sunk to eating turds, you've never uttered the phrase, "Oh, my God, this is nasty."" "And we got a German shepherd we found on the side of the road." "She's psycho." "Now I know why she was on the side of the road." "Yeah." "Nothing's free." "But I love that dog." "That dog saved my heinie one night." "One night my wife and I were sound asleep in bed, her dog was trying to jump up on the bed after I just talked to it." "So I just grabbed the little wiener dog and flung him out in the backyard." "Well, about 5:30 that morning, I heard this squealing and screaming coming out of the backyard." "Good God, I hopped out of bed in my underwear, put on my headlight house shoes, ran out in the backyard, and a coyote had jumped the fence." "Yes, and had my wife's wiener dog pinned down on the ground." "I'm like, "Oh, hell." ""l appreciate what you're doing." ""Could have done it a little quieter, couldn't you?"" "About that time, I felt this whoosh by my leg." "That German shepherd ran out in that backyard, hit that coyote broadside." "That coyote did three flips and jumped the fence." "I looked at that German shepherd, I said, "Come on, you're sleeping in the bed."" "Funny thing was, for about two weeks after that, my wife and I'd be sitting at the breakfast table having coffee." "We'd look out in the street and there'd be two or three coyotes sitting in our street, looking in our backyard." "And you know the conversation went like this," ""What?" "No, hell no." ""Don't go in there." "That little dog's a setup." ""l ain't lying." "Ask Joe what happened to him." ""Hell, he won't eat nothing but soy bacon now."" "God bless you, Washington, I appreciate it!" "Y'all ready to keep this party rolling?" "Please bring out my good friend, Mr. Ron White!" "Bill Engvall." "Give it up for Bill!" "Thank you so much for coming out tonight." "Thank you." "No, you can't, sir." "Stop begging for booze." "My wife and I took a tour bus into town, and my wife had never been to Washington DC before." "And we were crossing the Potomac and she said, "What's that building?"" "And I said, "Well, it was a Hooters during the Clinton administration..." ""Then they turned it back into the Lincoln Memorial" ""and now it's a Cracker Barrel, so welcome."" "I almost got ran over today by a mobile paper-shredding unit." "I'm in Georgetown." "They got them on every street, these gigantic evidence getter-ridder-of-ers." "Can you call them up if you got a body you don't need around?" "My wife had been in Europe for three weeks, and she left two days after Valentine's Day." "And for Valentine's Day, I was going to take her to see Brokeback Mountain, and it was sold out, so we're going to go see it tomorrow." "And Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal are both amazing actors." "And if you've seen the movie, don't ruin it for me." "I don't want to know which one plays the sheep." "In fact, I'm actually writing a movie right now about my recent bout with erectile dysfunction, called Broke Dick Fountain." "Getting ready to film this movie, everybody's like," ""You gotta go on a diet, man." ""You gotta lose some weight." "You got to be better." ""You gotta be thinner." "You gotta look better."" "And I'm like, "Look better?" "I'm 50 years old," ""l've been drinking like a fish for 30 years." ""What do you want?"" "Been on this diet, man." "I'm getting dieting tips from skinny people." "My mother weighs 80 pounds." "Here's her tip." ""Drink a lot of water." ""You'll be less hungry."" "You know what happens if you drink a lot of water?" "You're less thirsty." "Just as I suspected would be the case." "I still look okay sometimes, 'cause I wear really expensive suits, and if you drape $5000 worth of clothes over a pile of crap, it looks all right." "Look bad naked though." "Ain't no hiding that, is there?" "The only person that knows what I look like naked right now, which is the worst I've ever looked, is my wife." "And she has to have sex with me." "And she makes me wear the suit." "And she has to have sex with me." "And she makes me wear the suit." "I cut a little hole right here." "I come in low under the radar." "Washington DC... I guess the Department of Homeland Security is here in Washington, DC, is that true?" "One of the most useless organizations on the planet." "They came up with a..." "Now, I really didn't even have an opinion about that and I don't care if you do." "But my mother called me one time, and she was scared because the heightened state of awareness went from yellow to orange, and she said, "Son, I don't know what to do."" "And I'm like, "Mama, nobody knows what to do."" "Does anybody in this room know what to do different when the heightened state of awareness goes from yellow to orange?" "No, you do not." "Because it is useless." "It means nothing!" "Nobody knows what to do different if it changes from one to the other." "Yeah, now I get it, that's a heightened state of awareness." "If I'm in line to get on a plane, and the guy in front of me needs two loads of phlegm to pronounce his name, I'm checking his shoes for fuses." "And I don't care who knows it, either." "And it's not being racist, it's profiling." "I went on the computer and I found out there are five heightened states of awareness." "I'd only heard two, yellow and orange." "Turns out there's five." "Blue, green, yellow, orange, red." "Apparently, when the heightened state of awareness is blue, you don't even need sunscreen." "You could walk outside naked." "My wife said, "Well, why don't you come up with a better system?"" ""All right, give me 10 minutes."" "Here's the Ron White Heightened State of Awareness System." "It's only got two heightened states of awareness." ""Go find a helmet."" ""Put on the damn helmet."" "That way I can answer my mother's questions." ""Ron, it's Put on a Damn Helmet Day, what do we do?"" ""Put on the damn helmet, Mother."" ""Thank you, Son, we're so proud."" "My wife usually travels with me and we kind of hop from Indian reservation to Indian reservation doing these casinos, and last fall, we were doing a run across Florida, and this is how well my mother hears at 70 years old." "She calls me." "She asks me where l'm at and we're at the Hard Rock Casino in Hollywood, Florida, on the Seminole reservation." "And she asks me where l'm at." "I hear my dad in the background go, "What'd he say?"" "And she goes, "He said in Hollywood," ""you need reservations to get a cinnamon roll."" "That's close enough, Mom." "I lost my ass at that casino." "Usually I do okay gambling 'cause I'm just a straight blackjack player." "Right, but I started watching these Texas Hold'em tournaments on TV." "And the only thing that's dangerous about that is, after a while, you start to think you can play that game for real." "But you sit down in one of those big poker rooms, you find out really quick that they don't let you see everybody else's cards." "I'm sitting there going," ""How am I supposed to know how much to bet?"" ""Where's that little odds thing that tells me how I'm doing?" ""l got a question."" "Our second stop on that tour was Fort Myers, Florida." "And my wife and I wanted to go to Sanibel and Captiva Islands, which is basically Margaritaville." "You know, that's where Jimmy Buffett lived when he wrote those songs, and very pretty, very romantic place." "And the only way to get to Sanibel Island is to cross a little rickety bridge." "I mean, a bridge... I've never seen such a rickety bridge in my life." "Just a rickety bridge." "And the toll to cross this little rickety bridge is $6, to cross a little rickety freaking bridge." "You know, and I... I expected there to be a troll and some billy goats." "Six bucks to cross a little bridge." "And I..." "You know, and I make a lot of money, folks." "Not doing this." "I sell shrimp out of a van." "And the bridge is such a piece of crap that the speed limit on it is five miles an hour, and I got a ticket." "This cop says, "You have any idea how fast you were going?"" "I was like, "l don't know, eight, nine." "I don't know." ""My foot slipped off the brake, I..."" ""l clocked you doing over 1 1 mile an hour." ""Over twice the legal speed limit."" ""Take me to jail. I'm begging you." ""l'll make a million dollars telling this story" ""if you'll take me to jail for going 1 1 miles an hour."" "Then you get to the place where you pay your toll, folks." "And there's a little sign." "You can go there, still there today, there's a little sign, right before you get to the tollbooth, and it says, "No coins or cash."" "I'm like, "What do they want you to give them, a hand job?"" ""l've never been good with my left hand." ""Honey, if you just sit in the back seat." ""Sir, if you just walk right around there, sit down right there."" "Whenever we're in that part of the country, we stay at the Don CeSar Hotel." "And my wife and I travel on a big tour bus with three dogs." "We have two Scottish terriers because if you drink enough Johnnie Walker products, eventually, they just send you the dogs." "We have 240 head of Scottie on a little ranch up in Wyoming. lt's a..." "We got these little monkeys with cowboy hats and vests riding Shetland ponies." "They got little toy guns." "One of them is the sheriff." "Cutest thing you ever saw." "Actually, we have two Scottish terriers and their names are Birdie and Bogey." "And somebody the other day said," ""Oh, that's cute." "They're named after your golf game."" "And I was like, "No, if they were named after my golf game" ""they'd be 'Double Bogey' and 'Where the hell is that ball going'?"" "Which is kind of a long name for a pet, you know?" "And then Sluggo, he's my bulldog, and... lt's apparently talk-about-your-pet night here at the Warner." "Sluggo was in the backyard the other day, and I was picking up dog turds 'cause I couldn't get Bill's dog to come over." ""Come on, let Duke spend the night."" ""No, he'll come home full."" "So I'm picking up dog turds." "And while I'm picking them up, I realize seven people work for me full-time." "And as I'm picking up these dog turds, I'm reevaluating everybody's position with Ron White lnc. in my head, so that next week I will not be the dog turd picker-upper." "I haven't decided who it's going to be yet." "It's either going to be my pool boy or my tax attorney." "And I'm leaning towards the tax attorney." "But I'm picking up these dog turds, and I see one that is huge." "And it's massive even by Sluggo's standards, which are legendary." "And I'm staring at this turd." "I'm admiring it, really." "And after a while, I started to think it says something on the side of it." "I run in the house and I get my glasses 'cause I can't read shit without my glasses." "And it does." "It says, "Midland Park Golf Course."" "Sluggo had eaten and shat whole a golf glove, Velcro and all." "I rinsed it off and I've been using it for three weeks." "But my wife and I, we look for pet-friendly hotels when we're out, because we travel with this menagerie." "And there is no more pet-friendly hotel on the planet than the Don CeSar." "They're, like, over-the-top pet-friendly." "They have a pet concierge that comes to your room to tell you about the services they offer your pets while you stay at the Don CeSar Hotel, and I sold a lot of shrimp last year, so I'm like, "All right, let's hear it." "What do you got?"" "And the guy goes, "We offer your dogs a massage" ""because we would like for your dogs to be as relaxed as you are" ""during their stay at the Don CeSar Hotel."" "I'm like, "All right," ""but I'm going to tell you right now, that fat one right over there," ""he's gonna want a happy ending."" "They have aromatherapy for your pets." "I'm like, "What are you gonna make it smell like?" ""Ass?" ""That's what he likes." ""Do you have an ass candle back there?" ""Give him a hand job and light an ass candle" ""and see if that's not the most relaxed dog" ""at the Don CeSar Hotel."" "He'll sleep on that cushion for nine hours." "I know this animal." "Do you think it's weird that at 49 years old one of my testicles is just a little bit bigger" "than the other two?" "Last..." "In fact, three weeks ago, I did a run that was... I live in Atlanta and I did The Tonight Show on Wednesday night, and then I did Billings on Thursday, and my manager sold it to me on sort of, "lt's a good routing."" "You know, part of that Atlanta-LA-Billings run that encompasses the entire United States." "And on Friday night, I was in Anchorage, Alaska, which is real handy, and someplace you really want to see in February if you get a chance." "And..." "Then on Saturday night, I'm in Fairbanks, Alaska, and my manager's prediction that there wouldn't be a lot of snow in Fairbanks in February was off by about seven and a half freaking feet." "The most boring town I've ever been to in my life." "Sorry if you're from there." "It is a borehole." "And I was stranded there for three days." "Count them, one, tick." "Tock." "Tick." "Stranded there with the Eskimo people." "Not a great-looking group of folks." "And I mentioned that onstage and they got pissed off." "And I didn't see why they got so mad." "I didn't insinuate that they had no character." "I mentioned that they weren't attractive." "I thought they knew." "Apparently, I let some big cat out of the bag." "Have you seen their teeth?" "They could make keys." "You don't have to be in Fairbanks very long before you figure out what that nose-rubbing deal is all about." ""l'm good."" "Anyway, I got this scathing letter from the head Eskimo," "Frosty, or whatever his name was and..." "Halfway through the letter, he said he would have me know that the Inuit tribe is one of the purest races on the planet." "And I'm like, "That's kind of what I'm talking about."" "Nobody will have sex with these people." "And then later in the letter, it said there are less lnuits every year, which I guess means it's getting to where they won't even have sex with each other." "Somebody suggested that I watch a movie on the way to Alaska, and I did." "It was called Grizzly Man." "And you could go rent this film or buy it." "It's worth the watch." "It's very entertaining." "This guy, a ne'er-do-well out-of-work actor, tries to reinvent himself as a filmmaker, and he moves into grizzly country in Alaska, and shoots this amazing footage, which was later compiled by Werner Herzog, and made into this movie." "And..." "But, like, halfway through the movie, he snaps and believes he has become at one with the grizzly bears." "And not only do grizzly bears, he says in this film, have the capacity for intellect, they have the capacity for sympathy." "And then one of them eats him." "Funniest film I've ever seen in my life." "I laughed till I thought I was gonna throw up." "The bear ate him." "That's rich." "And I just thought it would be funny if at any point in this guy's life, his father, like my father, ever said, "You're never gonna be shit."" ""Well, you're wrong, Papa." ""Tomorrow morning when this bear pushes me through his bowels," ""l'm going to become a steaming pile of bear shit." ""l hope you're proud, Daddy." ""You have no idea what I've been through" ""to make your dreams come true." ""l had to be digested." ""Do you know what that's like, Daddy?" ""l suppose you don't."" "Yeah. I get chastised publicly and in the media for my position on the death penalty, and they don't even know the half of it because in the Moussaoui case, I'd want to be the guy that set the execution date," "and I'd set it for 1 :00 a.m., the day they set clocks forward." "Just so I could walk in there and go," ""Well, looks like you got about another hour, Moussaoui." ""Nope, spring forward, asshole."" "And there is one piece of legislation floating around right now that I endorse publicly and with all my heart and I hope you do, too." "I believe if you're a convicted sex offender in this country, when you get out of prison, you should have to put a sign in your yard or on your door that says you're a convicted sex offender," "'cause I don't care about your rights anymore." "And I'd also like to know where to get one of those signs, 'cause I'd like to keep some kids out of my yard." "Thanks for playing along." "I hope you enjoyed it." "You guys were fantastic." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pride to welcome to the stage, the best comedian that ever lived, Jeff Foxworthy." "Ron White, everybody!" "I got to tell..." "I really appreciate Ron for being a part of this." "He had to leave a New Year's Eve party to be here tonight." "I'm not saying Ron drinks, but I hugged him and my vision is blurry." "Speaking of blurry vision, I got to point this out." "I saw a billboard here in Washington DC advertising for the vision correction surgery." "The billboard claimed that they have the cheapest lasik in town." "The billboard claimed that they have the cheapest lasik in town." "And I'm thinking, "lf you're gonna be operating on my eyeballs" ""with a laser beam, I don't want the cheapest in town."" "I want somebody that takes a little pride in their work." "I don't want to be walking around hanging on to a German shepherd by a harness, bragging, "l just saved a bundle on my lasik surgery."" "And if they decided to go with "cheapest in town,"" "what slogan did they pass up?" ""Hey, some of our patients actually kind of see a little bit better."" ""lf it doesn't work, think of the money you'll save on light bulbs."" "I mean, I like saving money." "I just don't think medical procedures are where you want to do it." "I don't want the cheapest vasectomy in town." "Climbing into a truck behind a convenience store and the guy going, "You got the 20 bucks?"" ""All right, listen, bite down on this rag so you don't scream." ""l can't have the neighbors calling the police again."" "A couple of slogans with a vasectomy I wouldn't want to hear, like, "Half off."" ""Buy one, get one free."" "I don't even know how that would work." ""Everything must go!"" "No, most of it better be staying, Rufus." "I am thrilled to be here tonight, at the..." "Thank you." "Last year we did the Blue Collar TVthing, last year." "And then at the end of the year, I had written a book called the Redneck Dictionary." "It was words you thought you knew the meaning of, all right." "Some people have that fine piece of literature on the back of their toilet, I see." "But it had words in it like "asinine."" "I'll give her face a two and her "asinine."" "Or "wisdom."" "My brother had two kidney stones but he "wisdom" both out." "Or "letter carrier."" "If she's going to pack all that stuff, I say, hell, "letter carrier" own luggage." "But anyway, because of the book, I was doing a lot of book signings." "And one of the last ones I did, I did a five-hour book signing at a Wal-Mart one Saturday afternoon, and during that five hours, I had a revelation." "And that is, there's not a whole lot of supermodels shopping at Wal-Mart." "It's pretty much just us rednecks." "You know, and we don't wear stuff 'cause some magazine says it's the latest style." "We wear stuff 'cause it's comfortable, and if you can't look at it and keep your lunch down, that's your problem." "But as kind of a spokesman for this portion of the population, I got to thinking, you know, it has reached the point where we do need a few redneck fashion tips." "And I know a lot of you are sitting out there and you're like, "Jeff, I don't know" ""when it comes to fashion, if I'm a supermodel or a redneck."" "So I came up with a few ways to help you tell." "If the most expensive thing you ever bought at the mall came from the food court," "you might want to pay attention." "If your bra is a darker color than your shirt, you might want to pay attention." "If your wife has ever dusted the furniture with your best pair of underwear," "you might want to pay attention." "If people can see your butt crack 24/7, you might want to listen up." "If you've mastered the art of putting on makeup with your non-smoking hand" "while driving with your knee," "you might want to pay attention." "And if your thighs stop moving 30 seconds after you do," "some of this might be aimed at you." "All right, here we go." "Redneck fashion tip number one." "Certain things should not be sold in certain sizes." "If your rear end looks like two full-grown raccoons wrestling in a 50-pound bag of feed corn," "say no to spandex!" "Tight ain't always right." "And the only place dimples are cute are on your face." "This woman came up to me at the book signing." "She had the biggest butt I have ever seen in my life." "And you've seen these kind of people." "There're like from the waist up, they're built kind of normally." "And then from the waist down, it's like an explosion took place." "You know, just huge." "I mean, from a distance, she looked like a poodle riding a Hippity Hop." "You know, like..." "And there's no telling how big her butt really was 'cause she had it packed in these jeans." "I mean, it was crammed in there." "I could hear the zipper crying." "You got the feeling some night some guy was gonna get her home, get that top button unbuttoned, and that thing was gonna come flying out of there like a Navy life raft, you know." "But the thing that was intriguing about it was she had this attitude like she was the hottest thing on the planet." "And I love big girls that think they're sexy." "'Cause I think guys look at them kind of like we do those rodeo bulls." "You know, we're like, "l bet I could ride it," ""but I'd probably get hurt."" "So anyway, I signed her books for her, and when she went to walk away, she wasn't just walking." "She was strutting." "I mean, you know, like popping it." "And I'm watching her 'cause I'm scared she's gonna knock over some little kids or something." "And my brother leaned over and tapped me on the arm." "He said, "That looks like two blue Volkswagens" ""trying to pass each other on a gravel road."" "Certain things should not be sold in certain sizes." "If your stomach blocks your view of your shoes, cover it up!" "The only people that should be wearing belly shirts are the people that don't have bellies." "And there's no shame, no shame in having a spare tire." "Just keep it in the trunk so other people don't have to look at it." "And, you know, those little baby spare tires are kind of cute." "Tractor tires aren't." "Especially when they have hair on them." "Certain things should not be sold in certain sizes." "And this goes to a lot of dads and uncles out here." "Your shorts are supposed to be longer than your underwear." "Especially if you wear tighty whities." "Nobody wants to be at the family picnic and look over at Uncle Fred sitting in a lawn chair and see anything that looks like a baby bird." "And talking about shorts, I gotta comment on those little cotton shorts that have the words printed on the back of them." "First of all, guys, if you can't read without moving your lips, do not stare at these shorts in front of your wife or girlfriend." "And for God sakes, don't pretend you've had the cheap lasik surgery and you can only read by using Braille, you know?" "But these shorts bring up my second fashion rule, and that is there has got to be an age limit on certain articles of clothing." "Got to be." "And with these little cotton shorts with the words on them, I think the age limit is what?" "Fifteen?" "Sixteen?" "All I'm saying is that if the veins in the back of your legs look like the street map of Greater Pittsburgh, you ain't nobody's baby doll." "If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota van after a hailstorm, you're not Juicy." "You might be a terrific grandmother, you're not Juicy." "And this age-limit rule also applies to low-cut tops on women." "And you know what I'm talking about, these women that insist on showing their cleavage" "30 years after anybody wants to see it." "And they're always well-endowed." "I mean real well-endowed." "They are the kind of women, if they go to hug you, and you're not chewing gum, your ears are going to pop." "But that cleavage line's like three feet long, and it's got these little wrinkles coming off of it." "Looks like you're looking down into the Grand Canyon out an airplane window." "And what is it?" "There's some women, the older they get, just, the less modest they are." "And everybody's done this, where you're sitting there in the morning having a cup of coffee with Granny." "And she's not wearing anything, but a paper-thin nightgown and a smile." "Then she'll bend down to pick up something out of the floor, and suddenly you're staring at something that looks like those long balloons four days after the birthday party." "And they ain't floating up to the ceiling, they are on the floor." "Hell, you could step on them and they wouldn't pop." "Fashion rule number three." "Tattoos are not for everybody." "When I was a kid, the only people that had tattoos were old guys that had been in the Navy." "You know, and theirs were kind of blurry." "In fact, you couldn't even tell what they were." "You were staring at it, going," ""Well, it's either a naked woman or Willie Nelson" ""using post-hole diggers."" "But it was the old Navy guys and Hells Angels." "But they had the scary tattoos." "You know, like on their knuckles, like "love" and "hate."" "My cousin had that, and then one summer he got a job in the carnival, and he got his pinkie chopped off." "Now his hands say, "Love hat."" "Ooh, that's intimidating." "And I don't have anything against tattoos." "I don't have one, myself." "If I did, it would be right there next to my watch, it would say, "Your wife's birthday is August 2," ""your anniversary is September 18," ""don't let Ron White drive your car again," you know." "All I'm saying with tattoos is you have to plan ahead just a little bit." "You know, because I think a lot of tattoos are cool when you're young and your skin is taut." "But as you get older, that skin's gonna start sagging." "You know, ladies, like that little hummingbird." "It's real cute when you're 20." "But that bird is going to fly south for the winter." "And 20 years down the road, you don't want your grandkids crying, going, "l don't want to stay with Grandma," ""she's got a buzzard on her back!"" "'Cause when that skin starts sagging, suddenly that dolphin is a beluga whale." "And that rose is Rosie O'Donnell with a mouthful of leaves." "And something else to think about." "You know it's going to be real hard for your kids to take you seriously when you tell them," ""Say no to drugs," and you got a pot plant tattooed to your neck." "Fashion rule number four." "If you've given birth more than five times, a tank top is not an acceptable substitute for a bra." "There was this lady at the book signing, and I don't know what had happened to her to cause this particular breast configuration, but she had one under each arm." "She looked like a watermelon delivery boy." "Tank tops aren't good on anybody, especially those low-cut ones." "You know, if your skin is the color of Cool Whip and you have a mole that looks like an oatmeal pie," "let that be your little secret." "Guys, if you have back titties... I didn't know if you would know what I was talking about there." "The kind of guys that are walking through the mall and nursing babies are going, "Num-num, num-num."" "Also, if your back's so hairy, you've been shot more than twice with a tranquilizer gun, say yes to sleeves." "I hope Larry is listening to some of this." "Fashion rule number five." "It is okay to wear a T-shirt with nothing written on it." "I don't know what it is about rednecks." "We never have to write a résumé, because you can learn everything you want to know about us by reading our clothes." "You give me a redneck man's T-shirt drawer, I can tell you what kind of truck he drives, what radio station he listens to, who he roots for in NASCAR, what he likes to hunt, who his favorite college football team is," "his philosophy on life, and where he went on vacation the last 21 summers." "And you give me his windbreaker, I'll tell you what kind of cigarettes he smokes." "Also, with T-shirts, guys, if you weigh more than 400 pounds, it's not okay to wear a T-shirt that says, "No Fat Chicks."" "You ought to be wearing one that says, "l whipped anorexia's ass."" "And do not wear an "l'm With Stupid" T-shirt if you're by yourself." "And if you do, well, I'd say that's right." "Fashion rule number six." "God invented closed-toed shoes for a reason." "Why is it the people with the nastiest feet always wear flip-flops?" "You know what I'm talking about?" "If you have so many corns you have to put up a scarecrow, say no to the flip-flop." "If your toenails are so long you can swoop down on a lake and catch a trout," "say no to the flip-flop." "If you have a toenail that's three different colors and none of them are nail polish," "say no to the flip-flop." "My next fashion rule, and this is for some of you younger folks out there, if your mother still drives you to school, you ain't no gangster, pull your pants up." "The back pockets of your pants should not be behind your knees." "And I don't know why I have to look at the underwear of every teenage boy in America." "You know, when I was in school, if other people could see your underwear, it was because two bullies had cornered you on the playground and they'd yanked it up to your neck." "Which is why as adults, most men won't even consider wearing a thong 'cause those are memories we're trying to repress, you know." "And my last fashion rule." "Husbands and wives should never dress alike, unless you're going to a Garth Brooks concert or a Halloween party." "I have only dressed like my wife one time in our 20-year marriage, and it was the biggest mistake I'd ever made." "You cannot describe this little adventure without the word "cluster" in it." "She wanted to go hunting with me to see what it was all about, so I got her a camouflaged outfit, and she never shut up." "She never shut up the entire time." "We're walking through the woods and she's like, "lt is so dirty out here." ""l cannot believe leaves and sticks are everywhere." ""Can you believe how dirty it is?" "Nobody ever cleans this up?" ""Oh, God, look at that." "I got mud on my new boots." ""Oh, I hope that comes out." "I love these little boots." ""You know, they were originally $129," ""but I got them for $59.95." "You wanna know why?" ""They're last year's boots." "I don't think anybody'll know." "Do you?" ""Oh, God, there's a bug on my pants." "Get him off, get him off." ""Get him off." "Well, don't kill him, he's just a little bug." ""He's probably looking for his bug family." ""Here, hold my binoculars, 'cause I gotta straighten my hat up." ""Are my bangs even?" ""Are they really even or are you just saying that?" "Are they even?" ""Does this coat make me look too fat?" ""l don't like this coat." "I liked it when I first put it on," ""but now I think it makes my hips look fat." ""Don't you think so?" "Where are all the deer?" ""You said there were going to be deer out here." ""l don't see one single deer." "is this going to take a long time?" ""How come you're putting your gun in your mouth?"" "You guys have been great." "God bless you, thank you for this." "You guys are awesome." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "All right, y'all, keep it going for one of my dearest friends in the world and the next president of the United States," "Larry, the Cable Guy!" "All right." "There goes Jeff." "All right." "Thank you." "Thank you, I had to get my underwear out of my crack." "All right." "Git-R-Done." "Thank you." "That's right, that's all I do." "I come out and I go," ""Git-R-Done." "That's $100." "Get the hell out of here."" "All right, yeah, excuse me." "Well, thank you so much." "Good to see you." "I didn't think I was gonna make it here." "I was in Pennsylvania doing a thing for the Playboy Channel down there." "I was filming Amish Girls Gone Wild down there for the Playboy Channel show." "It's kind of tough to get their bonnets off, but once we did, they warmed up pretty good." "I'll tell you." "That's right." ""Yeah, churn that butter, honey, churn that butter." ""Oh, that's good right there."" "I'm kind of irritated, though, we was driving back in the car and had a accident." "I'm gonna sue Geico Insurance." "We had a accident and they sent out an actual lizard to handle the claim, for God's sake." "What in the world?" "I was madder than a Keebler Elf getting demoted to fudge packer." "I tell you what, I couldn't believe." "That's upset there." "That's upset right there." "That's right." "I like to travel. I was up in Canada, up there at the Calgary Stampede." "I like the rodeo." "I tell you, I wish I could do that, but I'm too out of shape for that." "But my sister did it for a long time, and..." "She did." "She was good." "They ended up retiring her." "Nobody could stay on her for eight years." "I tell you what, she was..." "She was mean." "She was mean." "I'll tell you, the cowboys called her a mother bucker for many years." "I'll tell you, she was, she was a mean one." "But I'm going to tell you what." "This is such a thrill to do this." "And I'm gonna tell you something, though, this ain't all roses up here." "I got some women trying to get money from me right now." "They threatening to release these sex tapes I made with them about 1 7 years ago," "and it just really upsets you, you know?" "You finally make a little money and then you got relatives coming out of the woodwork." "You know what I mean, don't you?" "Pissed me off." "Tell you what, though." "I'm trying to get in shape a little bit." "I put on 22 pounds over the holidays, and I guess that's a lot for Arbor Day, I guess." "I ain't sure, but..." "Trying to lose a little bit of weight, though." "My Japanese neighbor's starting to call me "Gutzilla."" "So I got to do something with that." "But I blame a lot of that on the holidays and stuff, and I always try to make my New Year's resolutions to not gain weight, but I didn't do that this year." "I made two different ones, and I've kept them so far." "Well, one. I ate a booger yesterday." "All right, I didn't do that one, but I couldn't help it." "It was dry air and it was a good one, too." "You know what I mean?" "Well, you can't help it." "You don't want to but you're like, "Oh, oh, what the hell?"" "You know, I..." "But I said I was going to eat more and get fat." "And I have done that." "So that's a good thing." "But you know what irritates me?" "Did you ever read the label on your Butterball turkey over the holidays?" "Anybody speak English at all, or am I way off on the turkey deal?" "You don't eat turkey?" "Or..." "My turkey said, "Sweet, young, and juicy"" "right on the daggum label." "That ain't right." "I had my pants unsnapped before we ate the meal this year." "I'll tell you that much." "That's right." "But I do like food." "I'll tell you what, I enjoy it." "The Waffle House." "That's one of my favorite places right there." "I like the Waffle House." "Smothered and covered, by God." "You're a Communist if you don't eat it smothered and covered." "But don't eat it too late, 'cause you'll eat it smothered and covered and it'll come out scattered and splattered, I guaran-damn-tee." "It ain't funny." "Good Lord, I could have bent over and pooped through a keyhole in there." "It was ridiculous." "I was madder than a one-legged waitress working at the lHOP, I tell you what." "Here's your pancakes." "But it's good to be in old DC." "I used to date a gal from here a few years ago, and..." "I did." "We ended up breaking up." "It was mutual." "Her and her husband told me to get the hell out, so I did." "Dated another gal a few years ago, and she scared me." "She come up to me one morning." "She said, "Well, pretty soon" ""you're gonna hear the pitter-patter of little feet around the house."" "I'm like, "Oh, Lord, she's pregnant."" "She ended up leaving me for a midget." "I used to date a little midget girl as a matter of fact, about that tall." "Good Lord, I loved her." "I was nuts over her." "I tell you, I was." "I loved her." "That's right." "We didn't date too long." "No, she irritated me." "She kept sticking her nose in my business." "You know what I mean?" "Just..." "Let's see, but I did, I got married about seven months ago." "Yeah." "And, oh, don't..." "Hey, don't clap." "We're already having trouble." "And apparently you can't talk dirty to your wife's sister on the telephone, I guess." "Didn't really read the rulebook on all that." "But I love her, though." "You can tell when you in love." "I didn't think I ever could, but God bless her." "She's the only girl I ever made love to with my pants completely off." "I'll tell you, there's a..." "There was a connection there from the beginning." "I'll tell you what's really cool about her, she looks like my favorite country singer." "That's a turn-on right there." "You see your singer on TV and then you married somebody that look like... I mean, we was walking down the street the other day." "I was so daggum proud, people was like, "Look, there's Travis Tritt!"" ""Look at that, right there, it's Travis Tritt!"" "That's right." "She looks a little like him from the back like this." "I'll tell you, a little T-R-O-U-B-L-E coming my way." "We got us a baby on the way, August 4." "We pretty excited about that." "We..." "Yeah, that's going to be pretty cool." "Going to be cool." "We ordered her from China." "So hopefully she'll get here then, you know, if she ain't here by the 4th, then I blowed 20 bucks on a cake that says, "Welcome, Ling Chau,"" "all right, I'll tell you that." "No, but she is going to have a baby." "I'm so proud." "She wants a little boy, I want a 16-year-old Polynesian girl." "That's what I want, right there." "Hopefully we can figure that whole thing out, right there." "You know." "But I'm from a small town." "You got to create things to do." "I like to fish and hunt and throw rocks at whores." "We used to do that a lot." "But that was a church function, there." "That was, but..." "Fishing. I love fishing." "That's a lot of fun, there." "I tell you what, I was standing on my porch the other day, looking at some stars through my telescope, 'cause my neighbor'd put her top back on," "and my buddy goes, "You want to go fishing in the morning?"" "I'm like, "Daggum." "Git-R-Done."" "Right, and he said, "Well, we need to be on the lake at 5:00 a.m."" "Come again?" "5:00 a.m.?" "You couldn't get me on a cheerleader at 5:00 a.m., I'll tell you that." "What in the world?" "Well, you could, but she'd have to bring her own rod, I guarantee you that." "There'd be nothing working on me at that hour, there." "Went trout fishing one time and didn't get nothing for seven hours." "And then I farted in my waders and four trout come up for air." "Daggum." "If I'd have had one more bowl of chili, I'd have got 10 of them daggum things in there." "I just wasn't prepared." "I wasn't prepared." "Wasn't prepared." "But I do love to fish, and I'll tell you what." "They got all kinds of fish." "You ever heard of Orange Roughy?" "Yeah." "You... I didn't even know that was a fish." "I thought that was what you took after you ate a bag of Cheez Doodles." "Good Lord." "Went fishing in Miami one time and caught a Cuban." "That's funny." "Good Lord." "It was unbelievable." "There was a whole school of them down there, I couldn't believe it." "But I felt bad." "I had my limit and I had to throw the little feller back." "I felt bad about it." "You ever do this?" "You ever throw firecrackers in the water, watch the fish come up?" "That's fun, right there." "We was throwing M-80's in, fish flying up." "That's right." "We blew the aquarium at the dentist's office all to hell, we done that." "I thought it was funny, I did." "But we was kids, we was about 25, so we didn't know what we was doing then." "Went fishing one time, for catfish using shrimp as bait, which makes no sense at all." "Does that make any sense?" "No." "Fishing for a fish that's $2 a pound with a fish that's $9.99 a pound?" "I ended up eating the bait, that's what I did." ""How come you ain't fishing for catfish?" "We got shrimp."" "I like to hunt." "That's one of my favorite things." "Need to be careful, though." "My brother's not a very good hunter." "He shot himself in the head bowhunting one year." "And this was the final straw with him." "I took him bird hunting one time." "There's birds everywhere." "He don't get nothing." "I got 23 daggum birds." "And I go, "What's wrong with you?"" "He goes, "l don't think I'm throwing the dog up high enough."" "What the hell?" "And we ended up getting thrown out of the zoo over the whole deal." "I mean, it was unbelievable." "I didn't know them penguins could fly like that." "They pretty good." "Them people, the anti-gunners, irritate me." "But I'm gonna tell you something." "I was reading in the paper the other day, there was an article in there said," ""Cholesterol kills more people in this country than guns."" "Tell you what, they want to save lives, they ought to put a seven-day waiting period on Popeye's chicken." "That's what..." "I tell you right there." "That's right." "That's right." "That's what's killing folks, right there." ""l want a bucket of chicken." "Fill out these forms."" "And PETA irritates me." "I got three words for PETA, chicken fried steak." "That's right, I like that." "I like meat." "I tell you, that's good food, right there." "That is good food." "That's right. I like eating meat." "I like rump roast." "You ever eat that?" "I was eating rump roast one time, I said to my butcher, I said, "Why do they call rump roast 'rump roast'?"" "He said, "Nobody'd eat it if they named it 'cow ass."'" "I like getting all my hunting stuff at the Bass Pro Shops." "That's where you get all..." "That's a good store, ain't it?" "Git-R-Done, that's right." "I like that." "They trying to get more women shoppers in there now, so they just opened up a Victoria's Secret at our Bass Pro Shop a while back, and, oh, it's nice." "I got my wife some crotchless waders." "Yeah." "Some beef jerky, edible under-britches." "I bought so much stuff, they even threw in a French Tickler with a scope on it." "I like doing all that shopping stuff." "I enjoy it." "Wal-Mart's my favorite store to go to." "I like the Wal-Mart." "That's right." "All the uptight, political correct folks, they don't like Wal-Mart." "They don't pay good wages at Wal-Mart." "Well, I got an idea." "Don't work at freaking Wal-Mart." "How's that sound, right there?" "Yes, I like..." "Well, you can get anything you want at the Wal-Mart." "They just opened up in our Wal-Mart two dentists' offices." "We did. I ain't kidding with you." "Lying, crying, I ain't shed a tear." "We got two dentists' offices in there." "Got a regular dentist and an express dentist for folks with 15 teeth or less in there." "We got the whole deal." "The whole deal in there." "You ever see the door greeters in there?" "Good Lord." "Wal-Mart been around since, what?" "1950s, 1960s?" "The door greeter been in there since 1852 in there." "And you walk in, you know, he's like," ""Can I get you a buggy?"" "Boy, if you ever robbed a Wal-Mart, one thing you ain't got to say is," ""Nobody move!"" "You ever shop at the Wal-Mart after 2:00 a.m.?" "It's almost everybody in there got some sort of leg disease or something." "It's almost like the Wal-Mart turns into the Monty Python's Ministry of Silly Walks after 2:00 a.m." "Good Lord, look at that guy on aisle two over there." "Hell, look at that guy by the ice cream." "Good Lord, let's get the hell out of here, let's get the hell out of here." "What's going on at the Wal-Mart in here?" "Hey, did you ever say something to somebody at the Wal-Mart, and then after you said it you thought," ""Shouldn't have said that."" "I do that every trip in there." "But there was this feller, standing in line there." "Evidently busted his neck." "Had one of them halos." "You ever see that?" "Look like a scaffold around the head." "It's bolted into your temples?" "Well, this dude go like this." "I go, "What's wrong with you?" He goes," ""Think I lost my car key."" "I said, "You'd lose your head if it wasn't screwed on."" "Was that wrong?" "'Cause I was really laughing after I said that, I got to tell you." "Oh, this is embarrassing." "I was bagging my own groceries at the grocery store the other day 'cause it was busy, and some old woman come up and patted me on the head and said, "l think it's wonderful they hire people like you."" "I was like, "Thank you."" "Then I wet my pants and run her over with my cart, that's what I did." "Thank you, thank you, thank you." "I'll tell you, my favorite store is the Home Depot." "I like that store, right there." "That's a good store." "That's a big store in there." "Good Lord." "I'm glad they sell hot dogs on the way in." "You may need something to survive on if you get lost in there." "But the worst thing about them hot dogs at the Home Depot is they go right through you." "Good Lord, I had a couple of bites of the wiener dog in there, and I had a brown snake playing peek-a-boo with my butt crack in there at Home Depot." "It ain't funny." "I'm walking like this through the Home Depot in there." "Looked like the March of the Penguins in there." "All I could think of was that commercial, "What can brown do for you?"" "You know what I mean?" "That's all I thought." "What can brown do for me?" "Make me look like a jackass at the Home Depot, what it do for me." "Then I had to stand there with my butt cheeks squished together like this, hoping nothing would shoot out of there, act like I'm looking at something, you know." "You ever do that?" "You be playing a game or something?" "It hits you and you're like, "Oh, Lord."" "You know that people are like, "Larry, get over here!"" ""Hold on, I'm looking at this weird bug over here." ""l ain't never seen a bug like this in my whole life." ""Oh, that's a big bug."" "But do me a favor, if you ever go to the Home Depot, tell them idiots in the plumbing department to mark it better that them toilets is for display purposes only in there." "Good Lord, I felt like an idiot going to the toilets on them stools in there." "But the good news is, somebody's gonna get a plunger half price, all right?" "That's the good news." "So there's a silver lining in everything in this world." "Hey, did you ever read that story about the feller that glued his hind end to the toilet seat?" "You read that?" "Some feller goes into Home Depot and there were some kids in there, pranksters." "And what they done is they put some industrial glue on the toilet lid." "Well, this feller don't know, and he walks in there to take the Browns to the Super Bowl, and he sits down on this stool and glues his hind end to the toilet lid." "And he sued Home Depot." "And..." "But he didn't sue 'cause he got glued to the seat, he sued 'cause nobody'd come in there quick enough and help him." "Well, who in their right mind is gonna help somebody like that?" "What would you do, you go into Home Depot and hear somebody in there and see his feet." "Yeah, oh, yeah." "Oh." "Oh." "Oh." "Help me!" "Help me!" "I can't get off." "Help me get off." "You ain't going in there, either, I guarantee." "They ended up having to cut the whole stool out of the floor and put him on a wood cart," "still sitting in the fecal position," "and wheel him out of the Home Depot, in front of God and every shopper in there." "That's a pathetic one-man parade right there, I'll tell you what." "Looked like he was crowned king of the Home Depot poopers in there." "How you all doing?" "Good to see you." "How are you?" "Good to see you." "Hi, everybody." "Here's a Tootsie Roll." "Take some Tootsie Rolls for the kids." "How are you?" "Good to see you." "What's going on?" "But the thing that irritated me was, it was the Home Depot, for Pete's sake." "You mean to tell me out of that big old 25-acre store, they didn't have one item to unglue him from a toilet seat?" "That's pathetic." "And that's why I poop at Lowe's." "Git-R-Done." "Thanks so much, everybody." "I appreciate it." "That's right, thank you." "All right." "What do you say we bring the boys back out?" "Mr. Bill Engvall!" "Mr. Jeff Foxworthy!" "Mr. Ron "Tater Salad" White!" "Well, looky there, boys." "We got stool men now." "You know what, it's funny." "We travel all over the country, and we all been doing this for a number of... I never considered you a spinner." "This is the same guy, yesterday afternoon, we're at the Lincoln Memorial, and he said, "l had no idea he was that big."" "And Bill said, "He's not even standing up."" "You know, we travel all over the country doing these shows and stuff." "And it's funny, being a comedian, people always come up to you, they go, "Hey, tell me a joke."" "Which is weird, 'cause nobody walks up to a plumber and says, "Hey, fix my toilet."" "So I thought what'd be fun is do what we do every night." "Like, we finish a show." "And you're jacked up from the show, you can't go to bed, so we sit around down at the bar, or Waffle House or whatever, and we just tell jokes to each other, and I thought it might be fun if we tell our favorite jokes tonight." "All right." "Yeah." "Yeah, just joke jokes." "You guys..." "All right." "I got to tell you, I'm dizzier than hell here." "The doctor says to this feller," ""You got..." "I got bad news and worse news."" "He says, "Oh, what's the bad news?" He says, "You got 24 hours to live."" "He says, "What's the worse news?" "l forgot to call you yesterday."" "All right, I got a 24-hour-to-live one." "Guy gets up in the morning, 6:00 a.m., goes to the doctor, the doctor tells him he's got 24 hours to live." "I bet this is the same doctor." "Y'all want to sit next to each other?" "So, that night when the guy's going to bed, he tells his wife, he said, "l've only got a few hours left."" "He said, "l want to make love to you just as many times as I possibly can."" "And so they do it once, twice, three times." "And then they fall asleep." "Well, about 4:30 in the morning, the guy taps his wife on the shoulder, he goes, "l want to make love to you one more time."" "And she goes, "You know, that's easy for you to say, Jerry." ""You don't have to get up in the morning."" "It's a different joke." "That's good." "Ronnie, you got a joke?" "Nope." "All right." "His mind's like a lazy Susan." "If you'll just bear with us, it'll come back around here in just a minute." "This guy's taking flying lessons." "He's talking to his buddy, and he says, "The first day in the air" ""the instructor informs me he's an eighth-degree black belt" ""and a homosexual," ""and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances" ""l have to jump out of the plane."" "And his buddy goes, "Well, did you jump?"" "And the guy goes, "Yeah." "A little at first."" "I like that." "This woman goes to the doctor and says she's got a digestive tract problem, and the doc says, "Well, tell me about your daily routine."" "She says, "Well, I get up at 6:15 every morning," ""l make my family breakfast, and at 8:15, I have a bowel movement."" "He goes, "Well, let's take a x-ray and see what the problem is."" "So he takes an x-ray and goes, "Well, there's the problem right there." ""You got three worms in you." "We're gonna have to operate."" "First worm goes, "Did you hear that?"" "He goes, "Well, I'm gonna hide behind the heart."" "Other worm says, "Well, I'll hide behind the liver."" "And the third one says, "l don't know about the rest of you fellas," ""but I'm catching the 8:15 out of here."" "That's funny." "All right, let me try one more, here." "All right." "One more, here." "All right." "Guess the show is running a little long for some of us." "All right." "l didn't know it was gonna take this long, sorry." "This feller goes hunting with his buddy, and he got the scope up and he goes, "Oh, my Lord," ""l can see your house from here, and your wife's cheating on you" ""with another feller." He says, "l've had it with her."" ""Shoot her in the head and shoot him in the private parts."" "And he said, "l'll get that in one shot."" "I got to admit, the preacher told me that last week." "This guy's mother-in-law comes to live with him." "And she's been living there for about a week." "And he comes home one day and she's laying on the floor." "And he calls 91 1 and the ambulance comes and gets her and they take her to the hospital, and he's out in the waiting room and the doctor comes out after a while and the doctor said," ""Well, I got some good news and some bad news."" "Guy said, "All right, well, give me the bad news first."" "He goes, "All right." "Your mother-in-law is not gonna die."" "He said, "She's had a massive stroke."" "He said, "ln fact, she's probably gonna live 20 or 30 more years."" "He said, "The problem is, this thing has rendered her unable to speak."" "He said, "She just makes this horrible screeching noise like a parrot now."" "He said, "lt's also" ""disabled her from using her arms and she can't feed herself."" "He said, "For the next 20 or 30 years," ""you're gonna have to feed her baby food three times a day."" "He said, "Also, it's made her incontinent." ""You're going to have to change her diapers" ""and clean her up every single day of your life."" "And the guy said, "Oh, my God," he said, "What's the good news?"" "And the doctor goes, "l'm just kidding with you, she died."" "That's a good one." "Oh, my God." "It ain't right, but you laughed at it." "Mr. White?" "There's a cruise ship and there's a magician that works on the ship, and the captain had a parrot." "And he liked to go to the show every night." "But the parrot understood the show, and because he could talk, he would give away everything, you know?" ""Oh, he's putting it in his sock."" ""He put it up his sleeve."" ""lt's in his hat."" "And the magician just hated this bird, and one night he just snapped and he pulled out a pistol and he shot the bird and the bird ducked and the bullet hits a propane tank and blows the cruise ship to a billion pieces." "The only survivors were the parrot and the magician, and they're floating out in the ocean on two little pieces of wood, and the parrot goes," ""All right, I give up, where's the damn ship?"" "All right, I got a ship joke." "Back in the 1800s, this wooden warship was out cruising the ocean." "And the guy in the crow's nest says," ""Captain, there's an enemy ship on the horizon."" "The Captain turns to his assistant and says," ""Bring me my red shirt."" ""All right."" "He goes and gets his red shirt." "The Captain puts it on, the battle ensues." "It goes all day long, and they don't lose one sailor." "About 10 minutes later the assistant comes up to the Captain and says," ""Hey, I got to ask you something."" "And he says, "Before the battle started, you said, 'Bring me my red shirt."'" "And he goes, "Why a red shirt?" And he goes," ""Because if I happened to be shot, and was bleeding," ""the crew would not notice the blood and they will continue to fight on."" "And he goes, "Wow, that's awesome."" "Next morning, the guy in the crow's nest goes," ""Twenty enemy ships on the horizon."" "The Captain goes, "Bring me my brown pants."" "All right, we got to share this with them." "We've been on the road for 20 years just making fun of people every night." "And so the producers of the movie thought it would be really funny..." "They contacted our wives without our knowing it, and they got them to go through our photo albums, and to send them pictures of us that we weren't necessarily really proud of." "And they've got a big Rolodex of them, and so every night they've been showing us more and more of them." "So for your amusement, here are some of our real-life photos." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Yeah, baby." "Yes, sir." "Wait a minute." "is that shirt tied in a knot?" "is that a shirt?" "I thought it was a prison mattress." "First there was the Bee Gees, then came the heebie-jeebies." "That was the look that killed disco, right there." "Where was this taken?" "At my apartment complex." "The Bridgeview Apartments." "And there was no bridge and there was no view." "Looks like..." "No, there's a view." "There's a view." "Looks like a stunt double for one of the dudes in Eight is Enough." "No, he looks like that girl from One Day at a Time." "Oh!" "Oh, my God." ""Please, please help me, Captain Hook."" ""Help me, Captain Hook."" "Dude, you gotta kill your wife." "This is one of Disney World's least favorite characters." "Fruity." "Laugh it up, laugh it up." "Oh!" "Oh!" "That's when I was doing Larry, the Cable Girl." "There is more carpet on your toilet than there is in the rest of the house." "His first time ever using an indoor toilet," "Larry lost a foot." "That toilet was used a lot." "We got a restrictor plate on that toilet." "is that two scales in this bathroom?" "My sister's pretty big, I'll tell you that much." "We had to total it up." "They only went to 300 each." "Here's your sign." "is this one of the stories that includes the phrase," ""And then we started drinking tequila?"" "What you don't know is the pool's empty." "And probably cleaner than Larry's toilet." "I'm getting a divorce." "That look has the look of this, "l have got to fart so bad."" "Looks like the assistant manager at the Lazy Eye Institute." "Can I help you?" "That's the originator of the website" "Guess what's under the cake?" "Not a whole lot." "Larry always found it easier to pick up chicks in his Pep Band T-shirt." "You were in the Pep Band?" "I know. I caught flak, people calling me a sissy and a pansy, but I loved the baton." "I always have." "Oh, my God." "The couch is like something from the Jimi Hendrix collection at Sears, too." "That ain't no couch." "That's my sister taking a nap right there." "Oh, God." "Oh, God almighty." ""Son, if you play your cards right, this Chrysler K-car will be yours."" "You know, I knew I left something out of the redneck fashion tips." "It was the denim one-piece jumpsuit." "I remember the one thing you didn't want to get while you was wearing that was the runs, 'cause you couldn't get it off." "Look like Shaun Cassidy's stand-in or something." "Evel Gay-nievel." "She had great legs." "If you'd have seen the legs on this chick, you'd have gone, "Well, you know, maybe."" "The senior prom." "You know that joke I did about the long balloons four days after the birthday party?" "Oh, that's beautiful." "I think it's great the way they cut the walker out of the picture there." "That's my grandmother, you better watch out." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Hey," "Jeff gets ready for a two-month prison sentence and practices while sitting on a door lock." "I'm actually kind of wondering why you left the one-piece jumpsuit out of your fashion tips now." "Looks to me like you got one on there, Jeffie." "Talk about having money." "All these years you never shared with us that you were employed at Wendy's." "Well, you know, you keep jobs like that under wraps." "You don't want people to, you know, feel bad about themselves." "Who is the guy in the window?" "That's the manager." "He looks like, like two minutes earlier he said," ""All right, if you're gonna fart, go out in the parking lot."" "I had a cheeseburger tucked up under my hat there." "Oh." "Oh." "Now, that picture meant a lot to me." "Explain that." "We were on a band trip, and we went to New Orleans." "This is..." "That's the closest you got to a naked woman as a teenager, wasn't it?" "What is today?" "This is actually Bill with his first tromboner." "What instrument did you play, Bill?" "Trom..." "Trombone." "Well, they got your mom's picture in the window." "That's nice, too." "Put me through college." "If they would've put that on a bottle of Scotch, they'd have found me a lot sooner." "Your head and the orange are the exact same shape, look at that." "I think I was a good-looking kid." ""Erlene, get back in the trailer now."" "And people always ask," ""Where do you come up with them redneck jokes at?"" "What look were you going for here, Jeffie?" "We were trying to make funny pictures where we pulled our pants low and, you know, your shirt where it made you look like you were real long-waisted or something." "Good God." "You're an idiot." "Wait. I take that back." "You're an idiot." "This girl is not gonna smile until the check clears." "You are having way more fun than she is." "Larry celebrates the arrival of his first blow-up doll." "More wine coolers!" "Who is that?" "I don't know, but she had a tattoo on her hind end said," ""Downgrade, watch for other truckers."" "Hey." "Look at his shorts." "It really is a small world after all." "Look at that." "I don't want to say nothing, but you work a consistent look." "I was trying all kind of different stuff, you know?" "Not really." "No." "What happens at the family reunion stays at the family reunion." ""What do you mean you want cab fare?"" "The best part of this, you have put a blanket over to protect the good Naugahyde on the chair there." "It was a nice place." "I like his Daisy Pukes." "No, they doctored that up." "Oh, yeah." "Just find a good spot and let the boys come to you." "Do you see what I mean about the consistent look?" "No, they did that to that." "l had the..." "What's..." "Oh yeah, yeah," "they did something to it." "They, yeah." "What's with the glasses?" "You look at that photo and the glasses bother you?" "What about the two sailors in assless chaps?" "Did you notice them, Bill?" "He's got a point." "Oh, my God." "That's when Larry was the casting director for the movie Babe." "It's such a cute daggum sheep, though." "Look at it." "Look at that face." "How could you not love that?" "Room service, I'm gonna need some beers and a bag of oats." "You guys have been great." "God bless you." "Thank you so much." "Thank you very much."