"[sultry music]" " Hey, guys." "Pay day!" "[whimsical music]" "["Flintstones" footsteps] [grunting] [money flapping] [boink]" " Ah." " Thank you, Santina." " You're welcome." " Let's see what the damage is this time." " [chuckles] [dramatic music]" "Oh, no!" "Do you believe this?" "So much of my hard-earned paycheck is gone due to income taxes." "I was hoping to spend this money on goods and services that would help stimulate the economy, but that's not gonna happen now." " I think we spend too much on education." "Sure, we need first grade, and second grade, but third?" " I think there needs to be more babies in the world, but we should cut all programs to feed them." " Well, I think it's all Congress's fault!" "Those phonies are more gridlocked than their beloved Beltway!" " Whoa!" " Don't you say that!" " What are you gonna do about it?" "What are you gonna do about it, huh?" "[all shouting at once]" " Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Regardless of your own individual political leanings, it's obvious America has lost its way." "Especially under this left-wing, pinko commie regime." " [snorts]" " But we can't just argue and charge at each other." "After all, is this what the great Americans who came before us fought for?" " No, you're right, Scott." "The Founding Fathers" " Nah, I'm not talking about the Founding Fathers, you dunce!" "I'm talking about the real Americans who built this country:" "Paul Bunyan, Johnny Appleseed," "Calamity Jane, Pecos Bill, and John Henry." "Is this what they would've wanted?" "[banjo music]" " Well, I guess we'll never know, because they're not here to tell us." "[grandiose music]" " Then I guess I'd better summon them." " What?" " [echoing] Great heroes of American lore," "I summon thee!" "[lightning and thunder] [intense choral music] [orchestral fanfare]" "♪ ♪" " You have the power to summon things, and you never mentioned it?" "Why haven't you summoned your dead wife?" " Look, Pecos Bill has a rope!" "[rope swishing]" " Yee-haw!" "[electronic music]" " It's "Comedy Bang!" "Bang!"" "♪ "Comedy Bang!" "Bang!" ♪" "Tonight's guests:" "Kaley Cuoco." "♪ "Comedy Bang!" "Bang!" "Comedy Bang!" "Bang!" ♪" "Lifestyle Coach Karen." "♪ Comedy Bang!" "Bang!" "♪" "And America's Folk Heroes Make America Great Again!" "Featuring me, "Weird Al" Yankovic." "♪ "Comedy Bang!" "Bang!" "Comedy Bang!" "Bang!" ♪" "And your host, Scott Aukerman." "♪ "Comedy Bang!" "Bang!" "Comedy Bang!" "Bang!" ♪" "♪ Ah, ah ♪" " Hey, there, welcome to "Comedy Bang!" "Bang!"" "We have a great show tonight." "Kaley Cuoco is here." "as well as Lifestyle Coach Karen." "I'm Scott Aukerman." "And you know, if you're ever down in the dumps, just ask yourself one question:" "do I need to take a shit?" "I mean, let's face it:" "sometimes that's the problem." "Well, let's say hello to our good friend "Weird Al" Yankovic." "[jolly music]" "♪ ♪" "Thank you, Al." "I like how not annoying that song is." " Thank you, Scott." " Hey, so what's been going on lately?" " Well, as you know, Scott, there's an election going on, and, uh," "I don't know who to vote for." " Oh, well maybe I could help." " Oh, that'd be great." "Okay, um...[clears throat]." "Who do you think:" "Jim or Tim?" " I think definitely Jim." " What about Meg or Peg?" " Oh, no-brainer." "Peg, of course." " Larry or Gary?" " I think I'm gonna have to go with Gary." " And lastly, um, Otis or Philbert?" " Eh, gonna have to go with my gut on this one and say Philbert." " Excellent--well, this was very helpful, Scott." "Thank you." " Oh, no problem." "Can I ask, what is this election for?" " Oh, uh, the aquarium is having its annual ballot to pick names for its newest fish." "[bubbling]" " Oh, wow." " Whatever names win, we have to live with for at least the next four years, which is the, uh, average lifespan of a fish." "[clock chiming]" " All right, Al." "Well, we'll check back with you later." "[chuckles] Well, I am so excited to introduce some of the true heroes of American folklore here with us tonight:" "Paul Bunyan, Johnny Appleseed," "John Henry, Calamity Jane, and Pecos Bill." "all:" "Hi, Scott!" " Oh." "I am so excited to meet you guys, and let's be honest:" "America could really use your help in getting back on track." " Well, we're ready to do what we can, Scott." "Throughout history, there has, of course, been only one thing that has made America great..." "Loki's Scepter." " Eh, what?" " The scepter, with it's intercosmic crystal core, has been responsible for American exceptionalism since the nation's founding." " Which is why we must steal it from Loki and return it to its resting place inside George Washington's mouth on Mount Rushmore." "Only then will this country be great again." " Do you mean Loki from the Marvel movies?" " No, we mean the actual Norse god of mischief." "We don't know anything about the Loki you just mentioned, and--and this has no reference to him at all." "[twinkling]" " Oh, okay, um..." "You know, I guess when you said you knew what could fix America, I thought maybe you meant hard work or ingenuity..." " Nope, sorry." "It's all about the scepter." "[churning]" " Looking for me, folk heroes?" "[laughing]" " It's Loki!" "Seize him!" "[dramatic music] [lightsaber whirring] [rope swishing]" " [laughing]" " Hammer plasma blast engage!" "[loud booming]" " Ha ha!" "Nice try, John Henry." " Homing seeds." "Lock on and destroy!" "[rattling]" " Ha ha!" "Not fast enough, Appleseed." "[wind blowing] all:" "Ah!" "Zatuvian dust!" " I'm blind as a dang bat!" " Farewell, folk heroes." "[laughing]" " [gasps]" " Blast!" "He escaped." " Don't worry, Scott." "We won't give up." "America will be saved." " Okay." "Well..." "Let's get to our first guest." "I haven't done any research on this topic, but I believe she only appears on television shows with the word "Bang" in the title." "Please welcome Kaley Cuoco." "[doo-wop music]" " ♪ Kaley Cuoco ♪" "♪ You're driving us loco ♪" "♪ You're cooler than Yoko ♪" "♪ And hotter than hot cocoa ♪" "♪ Please tell us a joke-o ♪" "♪ I think I'm having a stroke, oh, Kaley ♪" " Wow." "Very nice." " That was beautiful." " Thank you, Al." " Thank you." " And he asked you to tell a joke, so go ahead." " Oh, oh, I don't" "I don't do jokes unless they're written for me." " Thank you so much for being here." " Thank you, I'm so glad to be here." "This is great." " It's so nice to meet you." "So now, Kaley, you're on "The Big Bang Theory."" " Mm-hmm." " With a bunch of nerdy dorks." "Is it kind of a change of pace to be here with Al and I?" " [laughing] [inquisitive ping]" "Yes." "It is." " Why were you laughing like that?" " I don't--I" " That's so strange." " Yeah, it doesn't feel normal, 'cause I'm used to being around guys in sweaters, and long, curly hair, and..." " Yeah." "Pretty manly." " Yeah." "Yeah, you are." " Yeah." "Mm-hmm." "This interview is going great." " [laughs]" " It really is going great." " Yeah." " I'm not uncomfortable at all." " Great." "So, Kaley, I have to ask, do you ever play pranks on" " Scott, sorry, do you mind if I do something a little unorthodox here?" " Uh, sure, yeah." "Go ahead." " You know, my schedule's been so busy lately," "I haven't had time to just sit for a second and finalize my will." " Your...will?" "Really?" " Yeah." " You're gonna do that now?" "[squeaking]" "I guess, if this is the only time to do it." " Okay, great, thanks." "And you know, who knows?" "Maybe there is something in this will for you two." " Oh, well, full steam ahead." "Have at it." " All right, I hereby leave my surround sound dodecaphonic Hi-Fi stereo system, complete with the full vinyl collection of Metallica original prints, to..." "Scott-tie Pippen!" "[bullhorn blares]" " What?" " What?" "Scottie Pippen's my favorite basketball player." "I have to leave him something." " [sighs]" "Yeah, I guess I understand." "I mean, I would feel terrible if I didn't leave something for New York Knicks shooting guard John Stark in my will." " Thank you." "Okay." "So you get it." "Now, my money, my money..." "Who am I gonna leave my money too?" "It is a lot, so I need to think about it." " All right, here we go." " How do you spell "Al"?" " A-L?" " Al, my money will hereby go to Scottie Pippen." "[bullhorn blaring]" " What?" " Come on!" " You guys!" "I feel bad for him--how he was always in the shadow of Michael "Air" Jordan his whole career?" "It's sad." " He's fine!" "He won six NBA championships." " Okay." "Well, now he gets a few more things, okay?" "I am now done." " That's it?" "Really?" "Your stereo and all your money go to Scottie Pippen?" " Listen, I said maybe there's something in there for you, but the more I think of it, I just met "Weird Al,"" "and I don't like you." "[dramatic musical sting]" " That kind of stings." " Let's put that awkwardness behind us and continue with this even more awkward interview." " Okay, I will. [chuckles] [pleasant chime]" "So, Kaley, what is your workout routine?" "Because I think that" " Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Scott?" " Yes?" " Look over there." " Oh." "Where?" " Can you see?" "It's the paparazzi." "Oh, my God." "It's so annoying." "Everywhere I go, these guys are following me around." "It's like, respect my privacy!" " Oh, Kaley, that's not the paparazzi." "Those are just the cameramen shooting the show right now." " Can you please just leave us alone, all right?" "I am hanging out with a friend, and no, he is not my new lover, you parasites!" "Is this how you earn money?" " Yeah." "I pay them to shoot "Comedy Bang!" "Bang!"" " Oh, they remind me of the paparazzi who are always surrounding me on the set of that play I'm in, "The Big Bang Theory."" " Those are cameramen for your show, and these are cameramen for my show." " Okay, fine." "Scott, you know what?" "If you say they're trustworthy, then I'm gonna believe you." " Okay, great." "Can we move on?" " Yeah." "I do Pilates." " I thought so." " Oh, yeah, this one's gonna be worth a pretty penny." "[camera shutter clicks] [dramatic music]" " All right, we'll be right back." "[chaotic music]" " Ah!" "[dog barking]" " Why are you posing?" "♪ ♪ [patriotic music] male narrator:" "Loki's Scepter." "For centuries, it has inspired Americans to achieve." "It was there at the signing of the Declaration o' Independence." "When Washington crossed the Delaware." " Onward, men!" "narrator:" "During Lincoln's address to Gettysburg." " Four score and seven years ago... narrator:" "And many, many more important moments in American history." " Like to thank our fans for supporting us." "narrator:" "Loki's Scepter." "Truly the source of America's greatness." " So I decided to stop showering altogether." " Oh, I mean, other than the smell, you can't really tell." " Thanks." " Hey, welcome back." "We're here with Kaley Cuoco, and, uh, Kaley," "I wanted to ask you" " Scott!" "We have a new plan to get that scepter from Loki." " Oh, right, the scepter that, uh, apparently" "America's greatness is contained within?" " Right, and to get it back, we will use the gems of Atlantis!" "[grandiose music] [whooshing]" " Loki will be drawn to their energy like a tractor beam, and then once he's here, we grab the scepter." " Yes!" "Ha ha!" " Excuse me." "Is this the "Comedy Bing Bong" television studio?" " Whoa, Republican presidential candidate Bill Boatrip?" "Senator, what are you doing here?" " Well, I heard that some of America's greatest heroes were here, and I just wanted to come pay my respects." "You know, I believe that our nation needs to return to the strong conservative values espoused by these neat fellas and gals." " Oh." " What do we have here?" "Looks like an interesting collection of stones." "Just gonna take a closer look." "["Looney Tunes" music] [dramatic music] [laughing]" "Fooled you again, folk heroes." "[maniacal laughter] [shimmering]" " Tarnation!" "Loki now has his scepter and the gems of Atlantis!" "all:" "No!" " Well, so much for that, huh?" "Um, hey, Al, did I mention I'm starring in a new movie?" " Seems like you're spending a lot of time off making movies when you should be working on "Comedy--"" " Roll the clip!" "male announcer:" "Scott Goldman loved to hang out with his bros." " Hey, Sam, can't believe you're getting married, man." "Congratulations, huh?" " Oh, thanks, Scott." " Just promise me one thing:" "you'll shave before the wedding day." " Come on, you know Christine likes the beard." " You look like if pubes had an official spokesperson." " You look like a less likable Charles Manson." " You look like your face (bleep) Chewbacca." " Seriously, you look like Willie Nelson's ball sack." " You look like Marmaduke's owner's lint brush." " You look like upside-down The Weeknd." " You look like Dumbledore's asshole." " You look like Teen Wolf during Movember." " You look like Borat's mustache comb." " Seriously, you look like Cousin Itt's bush." " Okay." "announcer:" "But Scott's whole world was about to look a little different." " Hey." "Honey." "What's wrong?" "Wha... [touching music] [laughing]" " Yeah!" "Yeah!" " It's blue--it looks like Cookie Monster's taint." "[laughing]" " Oh, you." " It looks like Grover's dick." "It looks like Papa Smurf had a baby with Little Boy Blue." "[laughing]" " Okay, that right there is the two little feet." " [laughing] It looks like it wants to hop in the basket on Elliot's bicycle and go sailing over the moon." "[laughter]" "Looks like "Muppet Babies."" "[laughter]" " Does he always talk like this?" " What?" "You mean, like, funny jokes?" " Well, the same funny joke, but just in many different iterations." " Oh, yeah, yeah, he used to be a--a punch-up guy for, you know, big Hollywood comedy movies, so, you know." " There's something very wrong with his brain that's making him talk this way." " Looks like the first generation Cabbage Patch Kids." " Scott." "Let me" " Ah." "What's wrong, Doc?" "I mean, you look like Claude Monet's puke." " Okay, what does that mean?" " You look like" "Jenna Jameson, but in scramble-vision." " Do I look blurry to you?" "Can you see me?" " Sweetie?" " No, it's all getting dark." "Scott, you're going blind!" " You look like Johnny Cash's closet:" "nothing but black!" " Honey?" " You look like Disney's titular cauldron." "[dramatic music] announcer:" "But it's always darkest before the dawn." " W-wait." "Wait." "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait." "This looks like..." "Mario and Luigi's inbred love child?" " Scott!" " It looks like... if Luciano Pavarotti boned David the Gnome!" "[laughter]" " Yes!" "Yes!" " Oh, wait, wait, wait." "You look like, uh, if Rivers Cuomo shat out Waldo!" "[laughter]" "Oh!" "Oh!" "I love you!" " Well, I'm glad you had a good day." "But you're still gonna die." "[dramatic music]" " Doc?" "Y-you look like..." "Darkman?" " Oh, God, the jokes aren't even funny anymore." " [sobbing] [monitor beeping]" " I'm really gonna miss you, Scott." " You look like Niagara Falls drank Old Faithful and took a piss." " I love you so much, Scott." " You look like the Ninth Ward during Katrina." " Yeah." " You look like... a white light..." " Scott?" " You look like the pearly gates." " Scott" " No!" " [gasping]" " Scott." " [gasps] [monitor flatlining] [both crying]" " ♪ It was like a miracle ♪" "♪ Since you gave your heart to me ♪ announcer: "Things That Look Like Other Things."" "Coming this fall." " We'll be right back." "[electronic music]" "So, um, how you doing?" " I don't care." "[phone clicks]" " Hey, welcome back." "We're here with Kaley Cuoco, and, uh" " Ah." "Boy, this country's doomed." "Maybe I'll move to Panama, sell bananas." " Johnny, what about your apples?" " (bleep) apples." "[dramatic musical sting]" " I'm sick of your horseshit attitude, Appleseed!" " Out of my face, Bunyan." " Babe!" " Doing something!" " Hey, hey!" "That's it, I'm through with you assholes." "[grunting] [dramatic choral music]" "Yah!" "[whirring] all:" "The Cube of Triderian." " John Henry's blow revealed its location!" " Okay, what's that?" " An ancient totem from the eons of Spheros." " The relic left by druids of Khaleesor." " The pivotal instrument in Oderon's century-long crusade?" " We'll use it to teleport Loki back here for the final showdown." " All right, guys." "Well, knock yourself out." "I have to get to our next guest." "She is a lifestyle coach." "Please welcome Karen." "[offbeat music] [burping]" " Ah!" " Hi." "So nice to meet you." " Oh, my God." "Such a pleasure." " Kaley." " How are you?" " Oh!" " Yah!" " Karen." " Yes." " So nice to meet you." " So nice to meet you." " Tell us about yourself." "I don't really know a lot about your system." "You're a lifestyle coach." " I'm a lifestyle coach." "I'm a guru, I've traveled the Earth many times over." " What kind of lives do you style?" " Everyone's life." "What is a life?" "And that's a question I get" " No, like clothes-wise." "You style them, I'm assuming." " No." "I don't style, um, the outside." "I style the inside." " Wow, yeah, I mean, my outside is fine." "It's just the inside I think is really ugly." " I'll even notice the way your shoulders are kind of up here." "You're like, "I'm fine," right?" "But" " I don't know that that's accurate." "I mean, they're just--really?" "Is that what I look like, Al?" " He did that a little bit." " Do you see that?" "He's kinda-- "Help me!"" " "I'm Scott Aukerman." "This is me." "I'm Scott."" " It's dead on!" "[laughs]" " I literally don't think my shoulders could go down any further from this." " And see, this is an example of what I do, is I--I lock into those little idiosyncratic ways in which our bodies go..." "[rusty hinge]" " Okay." " And that is what I'll help someone do." "And then the next thing they know, they go," ""Oh, God, I'm starting a franchise." "I changed my body language, and now I own Chipotle."" " What is my body language saying?" " That you're open, and that you're ready to receive." " I am!" " Yes!" " A little too open, Al." " Al, please." " Oh, sorry." " Well, that's fascinating." " Yes, it is, but what I'm actually here to talk about is something very special." "I'm here today to talk about Karen Water." " Oh, okay." " Which is a new product that I'm so excited about." "People are writing in, they're calling in, they're talking to their families and their pastors about it." "It's been reported that within the first 30 days of drinking Karen Water, people either meet someone or start a franchise." " Okay." " I've had infertile women go," ""Not anymore!" " Do you think they're just pointing at the water, saying, "Not anymore, I'm not gonna drink this anymore, because it made me infertile"?" " That's what I was thinking." " No, I've met with women who go," ""I'm infertile, what do I do?" And I go," ""Here's what you do, sweetheart."" "Three weeks later, they go," ""I'm three weeks pregnant."" " Three weeks pregnant?" " Are you legally allowed to say that?" "I mean, that's a big statement." " Well, when you've had women that have given birth, and you catch the baby and you go, "Oh, my God." ""It's a Karen Water baby-- I can tell by the weight and the softness of the skin."" "They almost slip out of your hands, it's dangerous." "I actually should put something on here: "Babies become dangerously soft when conceived."" " Yeah." " It's water, though." "I mean, you're kind of-- not to be offensive, but water is water." " I'm used to it." "I hear that all the time." " Yeah." "How is your water different from other water?" " Karen Water is different because it's-- number one, molecule-free, okay?" "Number two, publicly blessed." "I bless every single bottle publicly, in the town square." "I gather up-- I'll have the governor." "I'll have the mayor." "Hell, who cares?" "And number three, every bottle of Karen has a strand of my hair in it." "And that's actually certified." " Of your hair?" "Really?" " Of my hair." "I have some to spare." " Yeah, no, you have a-- a wild mane, but I don't know that I want to be drinking water with hair in it." " It's actually-- it seasons it gently, and also it's a way to ensure that I'm with you, that as you're drinking it, you go, "Karen's really here, and she cares,"" "and physically, I am with you." " Okay, so, uh, are you licensed to do this?" " [chuckles] [shushing]" " That's not really an answer." "What" " Am I licensed to sell it?" " Are you making fun of me?" "I'm just" " No!" "No, I just didn't know that you were... a police chief, here to put on the shackles and go," ""What?" "A woman selling water?" Get out the..." " It doesn't have anything to do with you being a woman." "It's just literally you're a human being selling water." " Well, if I put pants on, maybe you'd let me sell water." " Okay, Karen, I--I'm gonna regret this, but give one last pitch for your water, right to your camera." " We're running out of time." "Okay?" "The oceans are on fire, and the NBA is running out of basketballs." "But it's not too late for you, friend." "Call now and order Karen Water, and tomorrow, you'll stop waking up screaming." " All right, we'll be right back with more" ""Comedy Bang!" "Bang!" after this." "[upbeat music]" " I wanted water!" " Yeah." "Hey, welcome back." "We're here with Kaley Cuoco and Karen, and, uh" " It is time!" "Activate... the cube!" "[dramatic music] all:" "Ah!" "♪ ♪" " What?" "Where am I?" "No!" " Let the battle begin!" "[lightsaber whirring] [metal clanging] [intense screaming]" "♪ ♪ [loud booming]" " Apple grenade!" "[chomps]" "♪ ♪" " Ah!" " Yes!" " Stand aside." "It's twister time." "Whoo!" "♪ ♪" " Wait!" "Look." "[simmering]" "He's dead." "I guess your grenade thing got to him after all." " Well, that's great." "I mean, as long as he's dead, that's great." "all:" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" " Whoo!" "Whoo!" "[country music]" " Yeah!" " Whoo!" "♪ ♪ narrator:" "And so, the scepter was placed in a stasis field to contain its power." "Then it was time for the journey to Mount Rushmore, where America's folk heroes placed Loki's magic scepter in the mouth of George Washington." "And from that point forth," "America was truly great again." "[rock version of "America the Beautiful"]" "♪ ♪" "[suspenseful music]" "♪ ♪ [upbeat music]" " ♪ Money in the bank ♪" "♪ Money in the bank ♪ [engine revving]" " The wolf dead."