"(ARCHER MOANING DELIRIOUSLY) LANA:" "Archer." "ARCHER:" "Lana?" "(LANA YELPS)" "Lana!" "LANA:" "Whoa, Jesus Christ!" "Chill out, Miggs!" "ARCHER:" "I'm sorry, it's just been so long." "LANA:" "Okay, it's been..." "ARCHER:" "Oh, my God." "You're pregnant again?" "!" "LANA:" "What?" "ARCHER:" "How long have I been down here, left to rot in this godforsaken hole?" "!" "LANA:" "Like... three weeks." "ARCHER:" "Hmm, seems so much longer than that." "LANA:" "It..." "ARCHER:" "So, please tell me that's an entire canard à la presse with a file in it." "LANA:" "Half a chicken, no file, just that weird quasi-cornbread they have here." "ARCHER:" "Ugh, why do you even bother?" "LANA:" "That's weird, I was asking myself the same thing on the way down here." "ARCHER:" "And then brought crappy food anyway?" "LANA:" "And then left?" "ARCHER:" "No, no, no, wait, come on, Lana, I-I'm sorry, but." "I-I'm starting to lose it down here." "You-you got to make him let me go!" "LANA:" "Make him how?" "ARCHER:" "Well, I hate to even ask, but..." "LANA:" "Blow him?" "ARCHER:" "Your words." "LANA:" "And then what, Archer, you want me to blow the whole army?" "ARCHER:" "How is there still an army?" "How have the rebels not wiped them out already?" "LANA:" "Because turns out, he's actually very good at commanding an army." "CYRIL:" "And as Third and." "Fourth Battalion withdraw, here comes First Armored, and now the rebels are outflanked." "COMANDANTE LAUGHS:" "Sir, it's brilliant!" "CYRIL:" "A classic pincher movement." "Just like Hannibal at the battle of Cannae." "And also Keith, in my." "Warhammer guild." "LANA:" "So, get used to that weird cornbread, 'cause you might be down here a..." "ARCHER:" "Lana, I need a woman's touch!" "(LANA GRUNTS) Oh!" "Ow!" "I'm sorry, Lana." "I said a woman, not a stevedore who lost his hand in a stevedoring accident and then got a hand transplant from an actual bear." "LANA:" "So, did you want to just do it right through the bars or...?" "ARCHER:" "I mean, we do." "And sometimes they do." "CALDÉRON:" "Hello." "LANA:" "I... wait." "So, in three weeks, you go from you're gonna execute Archer to now you guys are, like, swinger pals?" "CALDÉRON:" "Well, I wouldn't say "pals." ARCHER:" "Wow, not what you said yesterday." "CALDÉRON:" "Oh, come on, that was the pruno talking." "LANA:" "Well, I hate to break up this delightful ménage, but Presidente Cyril wants her back upstairs." "ARCHER:" "Wait, what?" "CALDÉRON:" "What?" "JULIANA:" "Why." "LANA:" "Guess." "JULIANA:" "Ah." "LANA:" "Mm." "CALDÉRON:" "Ow!" "Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!" "BOTH:" "What?" "CALDÉRON:" "Archer, do you want me to move over one?" "ARCHER:" "Eh." "CYRIL:" "Ah, Madame First Lady." "So good of you to join me." "JULIANA:" "It's not as if I had a choice." "CYRIL:" "Well..." "JULIANA:" "Nor am I still the the first lady." "CYRIL:" "Well, maybe not technically, since your husband divorced you and then was immediately deposed by me, but the situation is, as they say, fluid." "LANA:" "Ugh." "I brought her, can I go now?" "CYRIL:" "Yes, for the love of" "God, get out." "LANA:" "I meant home." "PAM LAUGHING:" "What are you, nuts?" "Cap'n Crunch here just took all the coca fields back from the rebels." "We're sitting on an endless supply." "LANA:" "Of what, coca leaf smoothies?" "(RHYTHMIC GULPING)" "Oh, my God." "That's a coca leaf smoothie." "CHERLENE:" "And they're gross." "It basically tastes like a fart of itself, but it's better than the cocaine donuts and whipped cocaine she was eating." "(PAM BURPS)" "PAM: 'Cause that's just empty calories." "LANA:" "Well, and cocaine." "PAM:" "Which, if I'm being totally honest, I maybe might have a problem with." "LANA:" "No." "CYRIL:" "And, Lana, the rebels still control the airport." "It's their HQ." "So, unless you want to walk, you can't go home." "MALORY:" "And why on Earth would you want to?" "(LANA SIGHS) CYRIL:" "Uh..." "MALORY:" "Why bother going back?" "The U.S. government stole your livelihood, forced you to become a criminal." "And I hate to say it, but it's not like you have a man waiting for you." "LANA:" "I..." "You know..." "MALORY:" "Whereas here we have everything we need." "It's like San Marcos has been waiting thousands of years for us to arrive." "Lana, this could be our..." "LANA:" "Don't." "MALORY:" "Zion, yes, there, I said it." "(PAM BURPS) PAM:" "Wait, they got weed here, too?" "LANA:" "That's not what the song's about!" "CHERLENE:" "Told you." "LANA:" "But I just this second realized why you want to stay down here." "Cyril's just the Vader to your." "Palpatine." "MALORY:" "Is that a reference" "I should get, or...?" "LANA:" "Seriously?" "MALORY:" "Well, I'm sorry, Lana, I didn't go to rabbinical school." "LANA:" "It's from..." "No, you know what?" "Never mind." "But, spoiler alert, Vader ends up killing Palpatine." "CYRIL:" "Hey." "CHERLENE:" "But only for three days, right?" "And then he moves the rock and comes out of his cave stronger than ever." "PAM:" "Then he shuts off the tractor beam, releasing the Jews from captivity." "LANA:" "What?" "CYRIL:" "Hey." "MALORY:" "Wait, yes, now that sounds familiar." "LANA:" "It cannot possibly." "MALORY:" "Gospel of Luke?" "CYRIL:" "Hey." "LANA:" "Oh for..." "Ray, you used to be a preacher, you want to back me up here?" "RAY:" "I actually don't know." "My church didn't really do the." "New Testament." "LANA:" "The one with Jesus" "Christ in it." "RAY:" "I mean, I take your word for it, but..." "CYRIL:" "Hey!" "Will you idiots get out?" "!" "I'm trying to talk to the first lady!" "CHERLENE:" "Of what, this country or country music?" "'Cause I'm first lady of both!" "CYRIL No, you're not..." "CHERLENE:" "Outlaw country!" "(JAIL DOOR BANGS SHUT) (CHERLENE SIGHS)" "CALDÉRON:" "Oh, my God, my beautiful and also multi-talented wife!" "You are here!" "CHERLENE:" "I know, right?" "It's like, finally." "ARCHER:" "As in..." "this is a good thing?" "(PLAYS RANDOM NOTES) CHERLENE:" "Duh!" "I'm finally gonna get the outlaw country cred I deserve." "CALDÉRON:" "Oh, my God, you've always deserved it." "ARCHER:" "Wait, how does being in jail...?" "CHERLENE:" "Paging Dr. Black, Dr. Man In Black!" "Johnny Cash was in Folsom Prison and San Quentin, so..." "ARCHER:" "Yeah, to visit." "CHERLENE:" "Hmm?" "ARCHER:" "He just played for the prisoners, dummy." "He wasn't actually in prison." "(PLAYS "WOMP WOMP")" "But don't worry." "We're gonna get out of here and go join the rebels." "CALDÉRON:" "Yes, then you and." "I, my beautiful wife, will live a simple life in the hills, scratching shit food, like yams, out of the ground with a, uh, yam-scratcher." "CHERLENE:" "Okay, A... start counting backwards from a million years, and when you get to zero that still won't happen." "CALDÉRON:" "Aw." "CHERLENE:" "And B... how... how do we get out of here?" "ARCHER:" "Well, we're, uh, still fine-tuning it, but..." "CALDÉRON:" "We have no plan, whatsoever." "CHERLENE:" "Okay, good, because" "I didn't want to step on anybody's toes, but byoink." "CALDÉRON:" "Whaaaaat?" "ARCHER:" "Where did you get that?" "CHERLENE:" "Let's just say," ""I honestly don't know." ARCHER:" "Fair enough." "CHERLENE:" "Cyril says the rebel headquarters are..." "Wait, is it "are" or is it "is"?" "ARCHER:" "It's "where," idiot!" "CHERLENE:" "The airport!" "Jesus!" "CALDÉRON:" "And you, sir, will keep a civil tongue in your head when you are addressing the First Lady of the government-in-exile of La República de San Marcos!" "CHERLENE:" "And also country music." "ARCHER:" "I facetiously beg milady's pardon." "CHERLENE:" "Oh, milady facetiously grants it." "ARCHER:" "Oh, goody." "Now let's steal a car, go join the rebels, then come back here and crush Cyril's stupid army." "CALDÉRON:" "You make it sound so easy." "ARCHER CHUCKLING:" "Well, it's Cyril." "I mean, unless he's got a nuclear warhead in his pants..." "CHERLENE:" "Which he totally does." "KRIEGER:" "Which, guys, can we talk about this?" "KRIEGER CLONE 1:" "The time for talk is kaput, Klon-Bruder." "Now is the time for action!" "KRIEGER CLONE 2:" "Clone bone!" "CHERLENE:" "And by that I mean his... you know..." "ARCHER:" "Yeah, we..." "CHERLENE:" "Let me finish!" "Penis." "No, you ruined it." "And by "it," I meant the moment." "Not his penis." "ARCHER:" "I..." "CHERLENE:" "Penis." "ARCHER:" "Will you shut up?" "!" "I know what I'm doing!" "CALDÉRON:" "Yes, but don't do what you are doing!" "(CALDÉRON AND CHERLENE YELP) (ARCHER CHUCKLES)" "CALDÉRON:" "Are you crazy?" "!" "This car is worth one quarter of" "$1 million!" "CHERLENE:" "Well, was." "ARCHER:" "And did you ever think maybe your fleet of priceless cars is the reason you're fighting off a rebellion?" "CALDÉRON:" "I'm fighting the rebels because that is what we do!" "My father fought the rebels, his father fought the rebels..." "CHERLENE:" "So, like a family business." "ARCHER:" "That manufactures oppression." "CALDÉRON:" "Well, and cocaine." "In fact..." "CHERLENE:" "Stop!" "(ARCHER AND CALDÉRON SCREAM)" "(TIRES SCREECHING) ARCHER:" "What?" "!" "CHERLENE:" "That." "(ARCHER GASPS)" "I mean, if you think we have time." "(TIGER ROARS) ARCHER:" "I..." "Is there a tiger?" "CALDÉRON:" "Of course there is a tiger." "Where did you think you are," "Tegucigalpa?" "(ARCHER GIGGLES GLEEFULLY)" "(TIRES SQUEALING) CYRIL:" "And so, by the power self-vested in me, I now pronounce us man and wife, and I may also kiss the bride." "(CYRIL KISSING, JULIANA GRUNTS)" "PAM:" "Yay!" "MALORY:" "Ugh, second worst wedding ever." "RAY:" "Yeah, but at least nobody died." "PAM LAUGHING:" "Yet!" "(CLEARS THROAT) Inappropes." "MALORY:" "What is wrong with you?" "PAM:" "I'm trying to make that a thing people say, like," ""Damn, dawg, that's inappropes!" Plus, I think I'm addicted to cocaine." "MALORY:" "Well, but look on the bright side." "With any luck at all, it will save me the trouble of killing you myself." "PAM SNIFFLING:" "Damn, dawg..." "RAY:" "Inappropes." "PAM:" "Yay!" "ARCHER QUIETLY:" "Yay!" "Yay!" "(TIGER ROARS) They should've sent a poet." "Oh, and some meat." "Do we have any meat?" "(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS) CALDÉRON:" "Literally tons." "ARCHER:" "No, I didn't mean another animal." "I meant like a steak, or some..." "CALDÉRON:" "Typical American." "You think meat comes from the supermercado, all wrapped in a nice plastic wrap." "ARCHER:" "Yeah, you're describing meat." "CALDÉRON:" "No, no, no." "Meat is blood and bones and sinew!" "ARCHER:" "Well, now you're describing not-meat." "CALDÉRON:" "Meat is whatever the tiger says is meat, because" "God made him the boss and all the other animals his food!" "(TIGER ROARS) ARCHER:" "Hang on, buddy." "And thank you, George Bore-well, for that clunky analogy in defense of totalitarianism, but I'm not feeding Shane an elephant." "CHERLENE:" "Who the hell is... (GASPS) Oh, my God, he's totally a" "Shane." "So let me bounce this off you guys..." "KRIEGER:" "What say we don't launch this giant nerve gas missile at, uh... where did you say you were launching it?" "KRIEGER CLONE 1:" "Wouldn't you like to know?" "(HEARTY LAUGHTER) KRIEGER:" "I would, actually." "Come on, you guys are acting a little... insane." "KRIEGER CLONE 1:" "Do you know what's insane?" "!" "KRIEGER:" "Yeah, this." "All of it, everything." "The rocket, uh..." "I'm not really comfortable with the clone-bone." "KRIEGER CLONE 1:" "You're not doing it right." "Now move, so I can begin the launch sequence." "KRIEGER:" "Over my dead... body, man that was a jinx, huh?" "(COCKS GUN) No, no, no, wait, wait, wait!" "ARCHER:" "Hang on!" "As amazing as it would be, we can't take Shane with us." "CHERLENE:" "Yeah, we can, watch." "BOTH:" "No, no, no, no!" "No, don't!" "(LOW RUMBLING GROWL)" "CALDÉRON:" "Okay, okay, okay, okay." "ARCHER:" "Carol, listen to me very closely." "CHERLENE:" "Why, you gonna walk me through your organic method of vaginal hygiene?" "ARCHER:" "My what?" "CHERLENE:" "You're a bigger pussy than Shane!" "Come here, boy!" "(SMACKING LIPS) (TIGER ROARS, CALDÉRON SCREAMS)" "ARCHER AND CHERLENE:" "Shane!" "(CALDÉRON SCREAMS)" "CHERLENE:" "Do something!" "(CALDÉRON SCREAMING)" "ARCHER:" "Like what?" "KRIEGER CLONE 1:" "Get him!" "(GRUNTING) KRIEGER CLONE 2:" "We're coming, brother!" "KRIEGER CLONE 3:" "Hiy...!" "(GUNSHOT) (KRIEGER CLONE 3 SCREAMS)" "KRIEGER CLONE 2:" "No...!" "KRIEGER CLONE 1:" "Brother...!" "(THUDS) You bastard!" "Brother, the launch sequence!" "KRIEGER:" "No!" "(KEYBOARD CLICKING) (STRAINED GRUNTING)" "(GUNSHOT) KRIEGER CLONE 1:" "Don't stop!" "(FOUR GUNSHOTS) (GRUNTING)" "KRIEGER CLONE 2:" "Almost..." "there." "KRIEGER:" "Oh, come on!" "KRIEGER CLONE 2:" "Shut... up." "SEXY ROBOT VOICE:" "Launch sequence initiated." "KRIEGER:" "No!" "KRIEGER CLONE 1 SOBS:" "No!" "(THUDS) (STRAINED GRUNTING)" "(CHOKING) KRIEGER:" "Ha-ha!" "It doesn't work with a bow..." "tiiiiiiiiieeeeee!" "(LOUD THUDS) ARCHER:" "Shane!" "Shane...!" "CHERLENE:" "Shane...!" "(CALDÉRON SCREAMING) (TIGER ROARS)" "(SCREAM STOPS ABRUPTLY)" "ARCHER:" "Shane?" "(TIGER SNUFFLES)" "(LOW, CONTENTED GROWL)" "CHERLENE:" "Well, we should've guessed that was gonna happen." "(CHUCKLING) ARCHER:" "W... we should've?" "CHERLENE:" "Well, or at least could've." "I mean..." "ARCHER:" "Yeah, I-I-I guess, uh..." "I guess a leopard can't change his spots." "CHERLENE:" "Uh..." "I don't know that much about leopards." "ARCHER:" "That was actually a proverb." "CHERLENE:" "That was actually a tiger." "SEXY ROBOT VOICE:" "MINUTES TO LAUNCH: 180." "KRIEGER:" "Huh." "That is a lot longer than I thought it would be." "ARCHER:" "Okay, when we get to rebel HQ, they might be aggressive at first, but..." "CHERLENE:" "They wouldn't if we had a damn tiger." "(ARCHER SIGHS)" "ARCHER:" "No." "We're-we're not going back." "Unless..." "No." "CHERLENE:" "What if..." "ARCHER:" "He had his chance!" "JULIANA:" "A what?" "CYRIL:" "A charivari." "Also called a shivaree?" "You know, it's that thing where everybody bangs pots and pans outside our room as we... consummate." "(CHUCKLES)" "JULIANA:" "Oh... n-no." "We're not doing that." "LANA:" "Ha-ha!" "Ow!" "Ray, my feet are already killing me." "RAY:" "Sorry." "MALORY:" "He's probably not used to leading." "RAY:" "You know..." "MALORY:" "You, on the other hand..." "lead away." "PAM:" "Mind if I cut in?" "COMANDANTE:" "No." "MALORY:" "Yes!" "PAM:" "Screw you guys." "Hey, Krieger!" "KRIEGER:" "What the hell is going on?" "PAM:" "Cyril's the new dictator..." "CYRIL:" "President." "PAM:" "Shut up, and he just married crazy tits, and I need a dance partner." "KRIEGER:" "Wh...?" "So nobody noticed that I've been missing for three weeks?" "RAY:" "Um..." "CYRIL:" "No." "MALORY:" "Well, I certainly didn't." "PAM:" "We figured the vampires ate you." "MALORY:" "The what?" "LANA:" "Wait, what?" "KRIEGER SIGHS:" "They're not vampires, they're my clones." "Or I'm their clone, or..." "MALORY:" "Oh, please, you and your clone nonsense, it's all a bunch of..." "LANA:" "Holy shit." "CYRIL:" "Why was I not informed of this, Krieger?" "PAM:" "If he even is Krieger!" "CYRIL:" "Huh?" "RAY:" "What?" "PAM:" "The real Krieger could be down there!" "KRIEGER:" "Oh, for... that is just..." "I won't even dignify that with a response." "Uh, uh... (SNAPPING FINGERS) LANA:" "Pam?" "KRIEGER:" "Pam!" "PAM:" "Uh-huh." "KRIEGER:" "I've got a concussion." "And this regular tie means nothing, I don't like bow ties so I switched." "LANA:" "Well, you certainly sound concussed." "PAM:" "He sounds like a vampire!" "I say we tie him up and let the sun sort it out!" "LANA:" "You need to hush." "SEXY ROBOT VOICE:" "MINUTES TO LAUNCH: 150." "MALORY:" "What is that?" "PAM:" "What is going on?" "CYRIL:" "Tell me that robot's not talking about launching this rocket, Krieger." "PAM:" "Or should we say." "Count Krieg..." "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow, cut it out!" "Ow!" "Goddamn it!" "Ow!" "LANA:" "Thank you." "PAM:" "Vampire lovers." "KRIEGER:" "Yeah, so, here's the thing..." "ARCHER:" "This is it, rebel headquarters." "Now, remember, let me do the talking." "CHERLENE:" "Got it." "ARCHER:" "I'm serious." "CHERLENE:" "I got it." "ARCHER:" "Look at me." "CHERLENE:" "I got it!" "Jesus!" "ARCHER:" "Okay." "Then here we go." "(REBELS SHOUTING IN SPANISH) REBEL SOLDIER:" "Pinche cabrón!" "CHERLENE:" "Ow!" "ARCHER:" "Goddamn it!" "You said you'd let me do the..." "(GRUNTS)" "(CHERLENE LAUGHING) REBEL SOLDIER 2: ¡Espere, espere!" "¡Mira, mira!" "♪ Es la cantante!" "♪ ♪ CHERLENE:" "It's all about me ♪" "♪ this time... ♪ ♪ Aw... ♪" "MALORY:" "So." "You're saying this gigantic rocket is not only full of deadly nerve gas, but also aimed." "God knows where?" "KRIEGER:" "Well, that statement presupposes the existence of God, but..." "MALORY:" "Krieger, I am about two seconds away from telling." "Pam to get a wooden stake." "PAM:" "Yay!" "KRIEGER:" "I'm not a vampire!" "MALORY:" "Doesn't matter to the stake." "KRIEGER:" "Then yes!" "It's full of nerve gas, and I don't know where it's aimed!" "LANA:" "What?" "What's the range on this thing?" "KRIEGER:" "I don't know, 2,000 miles?" "(MALORY GASPS) MALORY:" "How far away is the." "Upper East Side?" "KRIEGER:" "I don't know, 1,980-something miles?" "(MALORY SCREAMS)" "CYRIL:" "Okay, this is a presidential order from the president." "Shut it down!" "KRIEGER:" "I can't!" "PAM:" "Can't, or won't?" "KRIEGER:" "Can't!" "PAM:" "Oh." "I didn't hear you." "LANA:" "Ray, can you override the launch sequence?" "RAY:" "Um..." "SEXY ROBOT VOICE:" "Launch sequence accelerated." "RAY:" "No." "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "MALORY:" "Oh, for God's sake." "SEXY ROBOT VOICE:" "Minutes to launch: 90." "LANA:" "Cyril..." "CYRIL:" "Uh, it's actually Señor Presidente, but..." "LANA:" "Shh, hush." "Now I know you've had a fun time as dictator, and we all enjoyed this little break from him, but Cyril... and if you tell him I said this, I'll break your frickin' arms... it's... ugh..." "Archer time." "CYRIL:" "Wha...?" "Oh, all right." "LANA:" "Krieger, I assume the whatever..." "PAM:" "Doppelkriegers." "LANA:" "I assume they had a lab, so take Ray and see if you can find some info on how to shut this damn thing down." "We'll go get Archer." "PAM:" "Ooh, and Cherlene!" "LANA:" "Ooh, and no." "Because she isn't here." "CYRIL:" "Oh!" "Damn it, Archer!" "Damn you!" "You can't even let me pretend to be magnanimous while inwardly gloating!" "MALORY:" "Oh, shut up." "What does the note say?" "LANA READING:" "So, airport?" "PAM:" "But the note says not... (MUMBLING) CYRIL:" "Well, I guess that settles that!" "I mean, it's not like we can just waltz into enemy territory and..." "Well, I certainly can't." "LANA:" "Can't, or..." "CYRIL:" "Both, either, all." "They'd shoot me on sight, Lana." "And if you want Archer so damn bad, you can go get him your... (TIRES SQUEALING)" "Huh." "I didn't think she'd actually do it." "MALORY:" "Then you're an idiot." "CYRIL:" "Oh, I'm the idiot?" "MALORY:" "Yes." "(ARCHER GRUNTS) ARCHER:" "What the...?" "Holly?" "HOLLY:" "Archer?" "SLATER:" "Rando?" "ARCHER:" "Slater?" "HOLLY:" "Who the hell is Rando?" "SLATER:" "Him!" "HOLLY:" "That's Sterling Archer!" "CHERLENE LOUDLY:" "A-hem!" "And I am Cherlene?" "The Queen of Outlaw Country?" "SLATER:" "What the hell are you doing here?" "ARCHER:" "What the hell are you doing here?" "HOLLY:" "I could ask you the same question." "I am asking you the same question!" "ARCHER:" "We came to join the rebels." "SLATER:" "What?" "ARCHER:" "What's the FBI doing in San Marcos?" "With a cocaine smuggler?" "(HOLLY SIGHS)" "HOLLY:" "I'm not FBI, and he's not a..." "SLATER:" "Well, technically, I am, but..." "HOLLY:" "We're both CIA." "ARCHER:" "What?" "!" "CHERLENE WHISPERING:" "C..." "I..." "A." "SLATER:" "And we're also the rebels." "HOLLY:" "And you are in a mundo of caca." "LANA:" "Okay!" "Listen, stop, listen to me!" "ARCHER:" "Lana?" "!" "LANA:" "Holly?" "LANA:" "Holly?" "What's the FBI doing..." "ARCHER:" "These dickheads aren't FBI, Lana, they're CIA!" "And also the rebels!" "Huh." "Thought that would get more of a reaction." "LANA:" "Yeah, no, that is, um... news, uh... but my water just broke, so..."