"Man, what do I do about this Danielle situation?" "I don't get it... do I call her, do I text her?" "This is so frustrating." "Girls have it so much easier than we do." "All they have to do is walk outside and say," ""I want to have sex right now", and then they're having sex with somebody." "Preach." "Ah!" "I'm gonna ask my sister." "Thanks." "I'll just be a second." "Okay, so that's it, then." "Uh, we couldn't do long distance forever," " like you said." " And just, you know, clean." " Clean?" "Yep." " Yeah." "Uh, what about the lake house?" "I already put down a deposit." "I'm sure they'll be able to give you a refund." "Right." " The paperwork probably hasn't..." " It's fine." "I'll take care of it." " Even gone to the office..." " I'll do it." "And you'll tell everybody" " at water polo?" " Yeah." "They can find another... male." " Yeah." " And please don't write about this." " No." "No." " Okay." " On the blog, okay." " The blog is mostly for," " you know, civil rights stuff." "It's not..." " Right." "It's nobody's business." "Are you sure you're okay?" " I'm okay." "Are you okay?" " Okay." "Yes." " Okay." " Yeah." " You should go, because you're gonna miss your flight." " Yeah, I'm gonna go, okay." "Okay." "Janie and her little friends are so cute." "And your yard, it looks amazing." "I must say, your research on the perennials really paid off." "Liz, come on, let's have some real talk now." "You don't give a shit about my garden." "What's going on with you?" "Uh... you know, same old... same old Liz." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "I know I've said it before, but I really think that making partner" " is right around the corner." " Great." "You know, but I was talking about..." "The Leo stuff." "Mm-hmm." " Mm-hmm, the Leo stuff." "Yeah." " Yeah." "Uh, don't worry about that..." "Please, 'cause everything's fine." "He really made the best decision for both of us." "You know, we still really love each other." "I'm fine." " You sure?" " Yeah." "Definitely, definitely." "I mean, who has career and love figured out by 29?" "The way I see it, I'm ahead of the game, babe." "We want more bubble water!" "Oh, no, let me..." "Let me do it, let me do it." "Girls, girls, there were some fairy princesses inside, and they made you some bubble water!" "Yay!" "Bubble water!" "But I go first." "That's exactly right." "Me second!" "Me second!" "Thank you." " There we are." "A little for you." " Sarah's is the one with the treasure chest." "So, what are you girls talking about?" " Our husbands." " Oh-ho!" "I bet you're married to Mr. Tiger over there, eh?" "Hello." "Hello there, Mr. Tiger." "Pleasure to meet you." "My husband's name is Richard Kaplan." "Holy shit." "Th-that's..." " Is that a real diamond?" " It'd better be." "Otherwise, Richard is in big trouble." "The cushion-cut solitaire is such a classic." "Yeah." "He did a really good job." "I just wanted a simple band, because I use a lot of play-doh." "Katie, could you come out here for a sec?" "Yeah." "Hey, mom." "What's wrong?" " All of these girls are married?" " Yeah." "Except for my little Janie here." "I'm starting karate in the fall, because when you're single it's really important to put yourself out there." "Yeah." "I'm gonna go get those cupcakes." "Great." "Cupcakes." "So, Janie, it's unbelievable that you're already seven." "Don't remind me." "Why?" "You're not happy about it?" "Well, homework stuff is good, so I'm happy about that." "I mean, I know I've said it before, but I really think making honor roll is right around the corner." "But I don't know." "I'm in my late single digits, and I'm still the single girl at the tea party." "I try to stay positive, but, man, I'm in a dark place." "Jane, you're being so silly." "You just need to enjoy being a seven-year-old." "You'll have plenty of time to worry about icky boys" " when you're older." " Yeah, but at the same time, you don't want to wait too long." "I've heard by third grade it's a wasteland." "Okay, don't listen to them, Janie." "Look at me." "I'm way older than you, and I'm not married." "You're not married?" "!" "But you're so old." "No, I'm not." "I'm only 29." "I had a cat once who was 15, and she died!" "We had to bury her in the backyard, and my mom says she's just bones now." "But you're older than that." "You're older than Bones!" "That's not exactly true." " We have an idea." " We want to set you up." "Okay." "That's very cute, girls, but I'm not looking" " to be set up right now." " I hate to say it," "Liz, but at your advanced age of a million, it seems to me you don't have as much time as you think." "That's enough, girls." "You may be too young to understand this, but finding a man and getting married is not all that life has to offer." "And if I do get married and have a family, it will be because the timing is right for me and not because I was pressured into it by a bunch of second graders." "And by the way, 29 is nowhere close to a million." "You need to brush up on your math." "You're right, Liz, I'm not very good with numbers." "But even if you meet a guy today and you only date him for one year before you get engaged, and it takes you..." "One year to plan the wedding, and it takes you at least one year to get pregnant, and you want to have at least two kids, and you want them to be at least two years apart," "and you want to do all this before you turn 40... because, man, after that you're really playing with fire in terms of a whole host of fertility problems..." "Then I'd say you really don't have a lot of time to meet this perfect mystery man." "But like you said, I'm still learning math." "All right, you guys," "I've got cupcakes." "Happy Birthday, Janie." "Make a wish, sweetheart." "I think... you need this more than I do." "I'm totally not calling him back." "Good night, Liz." "Have a good weekend." "Hey, where you guys headed?" "Huh?" "What?" "Where are you going?" "Oh, Clover Club." "We'd ask you to come, but it looks like you're working." "Um, would you care if I joined you this evening?" " Sure." " Definitely." "Okay, great." " Okay." "Yeah." " Five minutes." "We'll wait in the hall." "Be right there." "You guys ready or what?" "I am so over mid-century modern." "I'm over it." "Okay, fine." "I'll sell everything I have." "No, I..." "I don't even care." "Do you want to get a cup of coffee with me sometime?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I'd love to." "But, you know, why don't we... why don't we do lunch instead?" "I'm kind of off coffee." "It's..." "I'm a Paleo guy, so..." "Oh." "Yeah." "You know?" " J... excuse me." " Yeah." "Yeah, of course." "Okay, what was wrong with him?" " He seemed great." " Oh, my God, he was on that weird Paleo diet." "Come on, Liz." "You've found something wrong with every guy here." "Yeah." "Because they all have something wrong with them." "Okay." "What about blue shirt guy?" "Uh, well, he was pretty cool, but he-he called" " San Francisco "San Fran"." " What about him?" "Uh, great taste." "He put an "x" in "espresso," though." " That guy over there." " He touched my arm in a weird way." " Him?" " E-cigarette." " That guy?" " Necklace." " That guy." " Galaxy phone." " This guy." " Too cocaine-y." "Too miniature." "Bad breath." " Him?" " No." " Him?" " No." "Then what are you looking for, exactly?" "I'm looking for, like, a nice, smart guy who's moderately attractive." "And, you know, it'd be kind of cool if he played an instrument or something." "Like a..." "like a banjo." "And he should have some money." "Because I have some money." "And... but he can't be into the fact that he has money or intimidated by the fact that I have money." "He's generous and sensitive." "Like, he's not afraid to cry, but he would... he would kill..." "He would kill someone to protect his family." "And I also want him to live in my neighborhood, because I have very limited free time, as you know." "Yeah." "Okay." "I think you're gonna have to settle yeah." "For a little bit less than all of that." "Truth." "Because that man you just described doesn't exist." "Oh." ""Truth." Who says "truth"?" "My standards are too high, they say." "Apparently he doesn't exist or something." "What do they know?" "They're just paralegals." "You're still young." "You're... attractive." "And making partner is right around the corner!" "No." "I won't settle." "If he doesn't exist," "I will create him." "If he doesn't exist," "I will create him!" "Oh, master Liz." "Now I think you are ready to make your perfect man." "Mmm." "Yes." "I've assembled the brain of Steve Jobs." "He was a clever man." "The heart of Nelson Mandela." "The fingers of Jimi Hendrix." "Oh, those beautiful brown fingers." "The sun-kissed skin of Patrick Swayze." " Uh, pre- or post-point break?" " Shut up." "And finally..." "The neighborhood proximity of that guy in my building who died last year!" "Master, this is gonna be one seriously weird dude." "Flip the switch." "The switch." "Flip the switch!" "Hi." "Hi." "I don't think we've met." "I'm Liz." "So nice to meet you, Liz." "I hope you don't mind my playing." "I majored in classical guitar at Yale and mastered the flamenco style in my travels through Andalusia." "I love flamenco." "Did I mention I'm Jewish?" "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." "I'm sorry." "I-I thought you knew." "Knew what?" "I'm gay." "You are?" "Yeah." "I'm, like, really, really gay." "But I thought I made the perfect man." "You did." "And he's gay." " It's Frank." " Hey, Frank." "You coming to fire island with us?" "Fire bad!" "Jk." "I'll be right out." "See you, darlings." "Don't worry." "He wasn't good enough for you anyway." "Thanks, Igor." "Say, uh, you seem kind of tense." "Uh, maybe you should slip off your coat and let me give you a massage." " What?" " Or we could just watch a movie and see what happens." "Hmm?" " No." "No, that's not..." " No?" "That's never, ever going to happen." "You're my employee." "Bitch." "Aw, Liz, have you been on any dates?" "Mom, no, not really." "I'm just..." "I'm just focusing on work for a while." "Why don't you let me set you up with Chip?" "Chip?" "Mom, no." "I'm not going out with Dr. Fringle's son." "Why not?" "You went to Camp Machanga together." "Yeah, well, we have no chemistry." "Oh, how do you know that?" "You haven't seen him in years." "Chip's a real catch." "He's smart, he's got a good job, and he's a real gentleman." "Liz, you've just, you've got to just try it." "Okay, fine, I'll go out with Chip." "Yay." "That a girl." "So, um..." "How's your dad?" "He is good." "D-do you ever watch t..." "TV?" "No." "Uh, the weather's..." "The weather, wow, it has been..." "I have prepared three topics of conversation for this date." "Would you like to hear one?" "Sure." "Please select from the following subjects:" "Politics, a business trip I took to Minneapolis, or quotations from popular movies." "Um..." "let's go with movies." "You have selected movie quotations." "In the 1994 new line cinema hit, The Mask, star Jim Carrey's catchphrase was..." ""Somebody stop me."" "Can I get another Manhattan, please?" "Or..." ""S-s-s-s-s-s-smokin'."" "Why don't you tell me about, um, accounting." "What's that like for you?" "The practice of accounting, or the measuring and processing of financial information..." "Uh... no, no, no." "Uh, I meant, what is it like for you?" "The Egyptians and Babylonians had early bookkeeping systems as well." "The profession of accounting was developed in the 19th century..." "The word "accountant" is derived from the French word compt-e-r." "And that leads to me, and my job at Ernst  Young where I am in the top 21% of management accountants." "I apologize." "I have been monopolizing the conversation." "Please, Liz, tell me about you." "I'm do corporate law and a little bit of pro bono work on the side." "I analyzed your trial statistics based on what I could find in the public record." "You are in the top ten percent of lawyers at your firm." "I predict you will soon make partner." "Do you really think so?" "Yes." "It is right around the corner." " How is your steak?" " Um... it's a little rare." "I'm more of a well done kind of..." "Oh, God." "Wow." "That is... that's a flame." "Is that better?" "Wow." "It is, thank you." "Your eyes are very unique." "I am having trouble processing the color." "Color processed." "They are green." "Liz, I remember the first time I saw you at Camp Machanga." "I have had a crush on you since you won the long swim." " Wait, you remember that?" " Yes," "I have never deleted the memory." "Would you like to hear the dessert menu?" "Uh, no, thank you." "I'm full." "We are fine." "A girl as sweet as you does not require dessert;" "You are sweet enough already." "I meant that figuratively." "I was using sweetness as a metaphor." "I hope I did not suck the romance out of the compliment by overexplaining the logic behind it." "No, you didn't at all." "That was very sweet." "Do you want to dance?" "Yes, but I only know one move." "The robot." "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha." "All right, let's see what you got." "Hey, is there room in there for me?" "You do not know how long I have waited for this moment." "I will initiate sex now with your consent." "Wait, wait." "Um, do you have something, uh..." "Condom applied." "Initiating sex sequence." "Three, two, one." "Oh." "That was great." "Okay." "Uh, we're done?" "Orgasm achieved." "Um... but..." "Sex sequence complete." "All right." "Uh..." "I'm gonna go to the bathroom." "Do you want a..." "Glass of water or something?" "Actually, I should probably get going." " You're leaving?" " Listen, Liz, tonight was fun, but I just got out of a long-term thing." "I am not ready to jump into a new relationship." "When did I say anything about a relationship?" " I will exit now before it gets weird." " I didn't say anything about a relationship." "You said "relationship"." "Maybe I'll see you around." "Bye, Liz." "Oh, Liz." "Thank God you're home." "Okay." "I've been..." "I've been trying to get in touch with you all week." "Okay." "Here's the deal." "Um, I really, really like this girl," "Danielle, but I don't know if I should call her or text her." "Uh, I keep panicking and hanging up." "Do-do you think she can see that?" "I mean, it-it never goes to voice mail, so I'm not sure if sh..." "Liz, are you crying?" " Mm-mm." " No?" "I... okay." "So if I text her, I..." "You're..." "Definitely crying." "All these people who are way younger than me are already married, and mom said that I should just settle for someone." "But why are you listening to any of these people?" "You never listen to anyone." " I know, but..." " No, you're actually the smartest person I know." "Everyone should be listening to you." "I don't..." "I don't get it." "Can I... can I ask you what to do about this..." "Girl?" "Well, for starters, phones do show when you call, even if you hung up before it went to voice mail." "Aw." "Shit." "It's okay." "We're gonna figure it out." "I... yeah?" "Yeah." "So showing up at her house is a..." "It's a definite..." "like, there's no way that's good." "Don't do that." "Don't do that." "Uh..." "I don't want to talk about it."