"For Dalia Royce, packing light, had never been a strong suit." "But she knew one piece of baggage she wasn't bringing." "Mommy, off me!" "Dalia, vacationing on your boyfriend's yacht in turks and Caicos sounds exciting, but that destination is déclassé." " No, it's not!" " Yes, it is." "Off!" "Dalia." "If you truly think you can enjoy your little getaway while I'm here all by myself in this big house with no weekend plans and no human companionship, then you just go right ahead and have a great time." "Thanks, mommy, I will." "Sometimes, when you find yourself alone in a big, old house with no weekend plans or any form of human companionship, it forces you to rekindle relationships you've given up on in the past." "Dallas' relationship with her mom was complicated by a number of things..." "One of which had six-inch heels and a back-combed bouffant." "Every day is h blessing?" "Georgia?" "It's me..." "Dallas." "Now, I don't want to get into a whole to-do with you." "I was just calling to talk to mama." "Well, Dallas, you'll be pleased to know that you can talk to mama whenever you want to now." "You won't even have to pick up a phone." "She passed about an hour ago." "You know her last words to me were," ""did your sister call?"" "And all I could say was, "nope."" "So, had you rung up a tad earlier, mama might have survived." "The doctor said she died of a broken heart." "Actually, I said coronary artery disease." "Funeral is Sunday." "Meanwhile, George was processing his own loss." " So, that's it?" " That's it." "But I thought you liked Nora." "I do, just not in that way." " But..." " It wasn't meant to be." "Man, you seem so indifferent." "I hope..." "I hope no one ever feels that way when they break up with me." "Well, I'm an adult, Tessa." "Things are different for us." "You know, sometimes things work out." "Sometimes they don't." "And for the most part, that's... that's okay." "Okay." "Whatever you say." " Dud in the sack?" " Kind of, yeah." " You done?" " Yeah." "It's too bad, too, 'cause she potential." "Just not in the sack." " Right, not in the sack." " Shame." "But silver lining..." "I got my wingman back." "And just in time to join me on a grouper." "Are you into groupers?" "Uh, I mean, maybe when I was in college, but I got a kid, man." "I mean, unless you were gonna let me..." "No, no, no, I couldn't." "Grouper's a dating service, George." "Oh." "It's where a guy and two of his single friends go on a blind date with a girl and two of her single friends." "Oh, okay!" "So kind... kind of like a triple date." "Exactly!" "Javier did one with me a couple of months ago," " and now he's engaged." " Really?" "She is hideous." "But, you know, for him... not bad." "Well, it actually sounds fun." "Uh, who's our third?" "Are you out of your mind?" "Sheila would murder me for even having this conversation." "Did she send you?" "Are you wearing a wire?" "No!" "I'm not wearing a wire." "But why are you wearing pumps?" "Yes, why are you wearing pumps?" "Okay, plebs." "This is actually a kitten heel." "Sheila asked me to break these in for her so she wouldn't develop calluses." "Now, fortunately, we wear the same shoe size, so it works out well for everyone." " Does it?" " Yeah, it does." "You know what, Fred?" "You can always say no, but we just figured that you might need a shot of testosterone in your life!" "Boys." "My boys!" "You know I love you." "And I think about you all the time." "Nothing would make me happier than to be your wingman, but Sheila would bag and trade my testes like..." "I will protect and defend your testes if Sheila finds out." "Finds out what?" "It's... it's just drinks, Fred." "You're... you're not doing anything wrong." "Okay." "I'll do it." " Yes!" " Yes!" "But I have to wear flats." "My feet are starting to bleed." "Dallas?" "Were you s-shrieking?" "I don't believe so." "Why do you ask?" "Uh, I don't know." "I just heard this high-pitched shrieking, and then I opened the door to find you standing there creepily, and I was, I guess, just wondering if you were the source." "Well, it's possible you heard my inner shriek." "Is there something going on that I should know about?" "No." "Not at all." "But I did kill my mama." "You what?" "Killed her dead." "Mama died due to my neglect." "Like a fern by the furnace." "Was that the medical diagnosis?" "Who are you..." "Dr. Quinn?" "Mallomar?" "I guess." "Mallomar can take your taste buds on a joy ride, but it can't offer companionship to your own mama's funeral, now, can it?" "I don't think so." "Neither do I." "Dallas, do you need someone to go with you to the funeral?" "Because I can ask my dad." "Tessa!" "I couldn't ask you outright, but I accept!" "Oh!" "Just the thought of facing my family all alone, it makes me feel, well..." "Well..." "So weird!" "But that is coming from you, right?" "Just out of curiosity, how come we didn't take your very comfortable Mercedes on this extremely long road trip?" "You mean the Yankee mobile?" "No, sir." "Not in the south." "Come down here in some foreign car, get strung up." "Sounds like a really welcoming place." "See, it's sarcasm like that that'll get you strung up." "Pretty much anything will get you strung up where I come from." "Good to know." "Anything else I should know about your neck of the woods?" "I've never been this far south before." "Well, mama used to always say," ""grits are just like normal folk, only more so."" " Grits?" " "Girls raised in the south."" "Don't worry, T-Bone, they're gonna love you down here." "Sop you up like a biscuit." "A little extra hair, and you'll fit right in." " I packed some for you." " Some extra hair?" "Yep." "You never know how much the occasion's gonna call for." "We're going to a funeral." "You're right." "We'll hit the hair barn at the next intersection." "Okay." "Now, before the ladies get here, we should discuss some scenarios." "Okay." "All right." " Scenario number one..." " Mm-hmm." "They're big 'uns." ""Big 'uns"?" "And we haven't ordered cocktails, in that case, we use the phrase" ""oh, look, they don't have turkey sliders."" "That is code for "abort mission."" "They actually have Turkey Sliders, though." "Now, if they are new chunk city and we have ordered cocktails, in that case, I say we just talk about all of the STDs that we have." "Well, that makes sense to me." "What?" "!" "That cannot make sense to you." " That is the worst plan I've ever heard." " Oh, boys." "Uh" "I don't think it's gonna be an issue." "By the time we arrived at Dallas' family home," "I'd had motion sickness, $60 worth of rest-stop food..." " Hubba!" " Well, look who it is!" "Come here!" "Oh!" "Oh!" " And a full-on southern-gal makeover." " Whoo-wee, chicken bone!" "I got things in my colon weigh more than you." "Who's this?" "Uh, Hubba, this here is..." "Ooh!" "I'm sorry!" "So sorry!" "Um, I'm Tessa Altman, and I'm from New York." "And we are trained to do that." "She's scrappy." "Like her." "Little gingersnap." "Little..." "Little firecracker." "Little..." "Hubba, I swear you would think that it was the 4th of July instead of my sister's funeral." "Now, you keep your damn voice down." "Uh." "Wha...?" "Well, I-I can't believe." "Could it really be?" "Doesn't seem." "And yet, it is." "Unless I'm..." "Nope, not dreaming." "It's piggy." "Emmaline, I go by my birth name now." "Georgia, Savannah, Sunset-Laemmle, get out here." "This little piggy has run all the way home." "♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a lover ♪" "Rivalries die hard in the south." "And this one was no different." "Well, rock my soul in the bosom of Abraham." " You came!" " Well, of course I came." "And I surely hope you don't blame yourself." "You told me it was my fault." "That's true." "It was." "She killed our mama twice, you know." "That's not possible." "Once when you did not invite mama to the birth of Dalia Oprah." "And then again when you divorced Steven and tarnished the family name." "And then this last time when you actually killed her with your tardy-ass phone call." " That's a total of three times." " That's right." "She killed her mama three times." "And, Lord, if she would have seen this little bald girl marching into her Christian home!" "Bald girl?" "I'm, like..." "I'm, like, wearing 14 pounds of human hair." "Would have killed her again." "Oh, where are my manners?" "Would either of you homicidal maniacs like a sweet tea?" "♪ Oooh, oooh ♪" "Sweet tea?" "♪ Oooh ♪" "♪ oooh, oooh ♪" "I want to switch." " No, you don't." " Yes, I do." " No." " Mine's got a clicking jaw." "Every time she chews, I can hear it." "She's got, like, a mechanical pencil in her face." " That's her jaw?" " That's her jaw." "Mine is married." "Yeah, she's just here for support, like Fred." "So the cooler has his hooks in the only eligible one?" "He got..." " Linda." " He... he got Linda!" "My jaw may click, but my hearing's just fine." "Tonight, our spirits are low." "But our hair is high." "Well, mostly." "Are you kidding?" "I had trouble clearing the doorway." "I can barely hold my head up." "Sunset-Laemmle, say grace." "Oh, why does she always get to say grace?" "She ain't holier than me." "Dear Lord, thank you for the fried food we are about to receive, and also thank you for the broiled peanuts and... and the shrimp and grits," " seeing as those were her favorites." " Let's eat." "Before we do so, I would like to say a few words." "Heaven surely shines a little brighter tonight knowing that my sweet mama has entered its gates." "Amen." "Let's eat." "I..." "I would also like to say a few words myself." "Mama, as your firstborn, we shared a special bond you didn't share with any of your subsequent children." " Amen." " Mama." "You were the wind beneath my wings." "You were the apple of my eye." "You were the cream in my coffee." "You were my Blood Diamond, mama." "Well, I think it's clear you both loved your mama very much, and equally so." " You were my November Rain." " You were my Hunt For Red October." "I never left her side." "She never left my heart." " She was my best friend." " She was my twin!" "Okay, well, let's eat." "I don't want the boiled peanuts to get cold." "Oh, they're already cold and weirdly slimy." "I hate them." " Hubba?" " Thank you." "Mama lived and died with me by her side, and everybody in this family knows of my dedication to her." "But did... did y'all know about the things that mama did for me, huh?" "How she cheered me up when I was sick?" "Mama was my Patch Adams!" "She was so patient." "She taught me how to do things that she..." "She was my Mr. Miyagi." " Dallas!" " What?" "!" "Stop trying to out-eulogize me." "This whole family knows that you did not give a pickled rat's ass about mama." "Is that what this is?" "Now, look here, we may have been estranged, but that does not mean mama was not the cherry in my coke because she was." "She made me who I am." "She was my Geppetto!" "Meanwhile, back in Chatswin, there was only one couple on the group date who'd found the recipe for love." "And what I like to do is add just a dash of cinnamon to the peach reduction to infuse it with a "what the huh?" "!" flavor." "Fred, you're reckless." "Well..." "And married, you know?" "I'm sorry?" "My man Fred here..." "He's matrimonious, as in off the market, unavails." "Is that true?" " Uh, I'm afraid so." " Fred, no." "You know what?" "Maybe we should call it a night?" "Ladies, thank you for a wonderful evening." "I'm sorry it didn't work out for any of us." " Fred." " Yeah?" " I'd really like to keep in touch." " Oh." "Even if it's just as friends." "Um, we could swap recipes." "I'll send you peach crumble." "I'll send you ooey-gooey-chewy cookies." "Oh, that sounds wonderful." "Those were some beautiful things you said at dinner tonight." "Tessa, can I be honest with you?" "My mama was a narcissistic, punishing, alienating sea-bitch." "She came from the...?" "Sea." "I always felt so." "So all those things you said at dinner..." "That's how mama liked it..." "Everyone fighting over who loved her more." "And every time I walk through this door, it's like I'm 8 years old again, trying to prove myself." "Dallas, take it from someone who has... mommy issues of their own." "If you don't talk about it, it never goes away." "I think you owe it to yourself to have an honest conversation with her about your feelings." "But it's too late." "Is it?" "You never supported me." "You pushed me into marriage before I was ready." "You criticized every choice I ever made." "Go on." "She can handle it." "And I really could have used your support when I went through that nasty divorce with Steven." "I'll never understand why you had to make everything a competition between Georgia and me." "I suppose the answer to all these questions now lies at the bottom of the sea." "Oh, down in the bubbly blue..." "Where you came from, sea-bitch." "Okay." "That'll do." "Congratulations, Dallas." "You did it." "Yeah." "I guess I did." "I should have never exchanged my particulars with that woman." " She has my particulars!" " Fred!" "Relax!" "I took a toke." "It was laced with Linda, and I got high off her flow." "Now I'm coming down." "I'm legit tripping." "And half of me thinks shorty's gonna blow up my spot." "She is." "She's gonna blow up my spot." "You handled that nicely." "E-mail..." "I have to change my e-mail." "Okay." "All right." "She's trying to reach you cross-platform!" "No, don't click on it!" "Fred, look at the subject line." "It's a cookie recipe." " Relax." " Okay." " You've got nothing to worry about." " Okay." "Hi, Fred." "I promised to show you my warm, drippy cookies, and I'm about to." "I'm about to show you how I like to put them in my mouth." "Oh, don't you dare!" "Oh, don't you dare, Fred!" " Ohh!" " Listen to me!" "Don't you dare!" "Fred!" "It's so hot." "Oh, I didn't expect it to be so... hot." " Hmm." " You are perfect." "I love you." "Ooh." "Can you believe how drippy and molten the insides are?" " Mmm!" "Ohh!" " I can't watch!" " Oh, Fred, these cookies." " I can." " Mmm!" " Ohh." "Lick your lips." " Don't lick them." " Ooh." "You lick your lips." "Mmm." "Yes!" "Ooh." "Aah!" "Ooh." "Ooh." "Fred!" "What's going on here?" "Why do you have a friend over?" "It's a school night." "Hello, Mrs. Shay." "What kind of trouble are you boys getting into?" "[Voice shaking] No kind of trouble at all, dear." " We were just, uh, watching..." " Snuff porn." " Saved it." " Noah!" "That kind of filth may be fine in your household, but Fred has not been exposed to that." "It is not appropriate for him." "Remember, he is quite a bit younger than you are." " What?" "!" " He looks up to you." "Because I'm taller." "Come on, there's no way that Fred is younger than me." "Well, I'll tell you what's not getting any younger is the rump I'm roasting for Sheila's dinner." "I'll, uh, just start by clearing the table." "Start by reming this cumbersome laptop." "Putting it in is drawer and swallowing the key." "Hope everyone likes little potatoes!" "How old do you think I am?" "Okay, here's the plan." "I cough up the key, we unlock the drawer, you dispose of the evidence." "Sheila's never the wiser." "Okay." "Dad!" "It's already unlocked!" "What..." "looking for something, boys?" "Uh, uh..." "I see your knuckles are bloody, my love." "Are they?" " Did you have an accident of some sort?" " I'll go get a band-aid." "Don't you go anywhere!" "Uh, hey, what's that stubborn matter you're scraping from beneath your nails there?" "Some of it's dirt." "Some of it's semi-sweet morsels." "And the rest of it... is Linda." " I've got homework." " Aah!" "My sweets are the only treats you should be sampling, Fred Shay." "Remember that." "And help Linda remember that, too, since I suspect her short-term memory may be..." "Spotty from now on." "Ooh." "Kitty has claws." "But she's alive, right?" "Don't worry." "I didn't touch a hair on her head." "I just tripped and fell after pooping in her mailbox." " Ooh." " She's been warned." "Well, made it through the funeral." "And I can't thank you enough for being ol' dirty bastard to my Mariah." "You're very welcome, Dallas." "Hey, do you want to come in or something?" "No, thanks." "I think I've had enough turmoil for one day." "I don't need to see your daddy and his new girlfriend canoodling." "Oh." "No, they broke up." " Oh, really?" " Yeah." " How sad." " George seems fine about it." " Oh." " Good night." "Hey." "You made it back in one piece." "I need a hot shower and a triple bypass." "Hey." "Hey." " You okay?" " I'm okay." "That gal of yours is pretty special." "Yeah." "Hey, uh, I'm sorry about your mom passing, Dallas." "I wanted to... offer my condolences." "Oh." "Back at you." "May Nora rest in peace." "Heard you stamped out your latest flame." "Yeah, well, you know, relationships are complicated." "Yes." "And she's a great girl with a warm heart, and I wish her the best." "Dud in the sack?" "Well, they can't all be Dallas royce." "No, sir, they cannot." "Fred could be your father." "Okay?" "He could be your [Bleep] father."