"Artie." " Artie." " What the fuck, man?" " What are you doing?" " I'm sorry." "You're a weirdo." "What the fuck are you doing in my house?" "Come on!" "I..." "I let myself in." "I still have a key." "You don't just let yourself in." "This is my fucking house!" "You trying to give me a heart attack?" " I'm sorry, man." "I don't..." " I live here." "I don't have anywhere to go, Artie." "It was either this or the Port Authority." "But what are you doing here?" "Why are you here?" "I was fired, okay?" " I was fired." " You were fired already?" "That's amazing." "You got an edge to ya." "What happened?" "How'd you get fired already?" " I was doing warm-up for Rachael Ray." " Right." " I go out, regular crowd." " Yeah." " I'm cooking, I'm cooking." " You're cooking?" "There's an older woman, and I..." "I messed with her." " I did some blue material." " Right." "It was Rachael Ray's mom." "You messed with Rachael Ray's mom?" "That sounds hilarious." "And then they yelled at me, and I'm fired, and I don't have my job anymore, and I'm back at your house." "All right." "I got the rundown." "Maybe give a man a heads up if the mother of the star of the show is gonna be in the audience." "Yeah, okay, okay." "It's... it's on them." "Listen, I got news for you." "I..." "I can't have this shit in my house, okay?" "I told you that." " I'm gonna finish it." " Yeah, you're not gonna finish it." "I'm taking this the fuck outta here." "Artie, you can't have this." "It's Mike's Hard Lemonade." "You're an alcoholic." "Dude, I'm an alcoholic." "I'm not Hannah Montana." "What the fuck?" "I can handle it." "Artie, Hannah Montana would drink Mike's Hard Lemonade, because we've let her slip into Miley Cyrus." " Right." " She used to be Hannah Montana." "She used to be pure, she used to be golden light, and now she's out there licking poles and children at the Teen Choice Awards get a look right at her vagina." "Yeah, you know, listen." "Let's get to breakfast." "We gotta sober you up." "I don't understand why we're eating breakfast here." "Why can't we eat breakfast in a strip club?" "That was..." "Oh, hi." "Hey, sweetie." "How you doing?" "Good to see ya." "Where's that smile I ordered?" "There's an ass right by your head." "Yeah, that's the point, you know." "Well, look at it." "Go ahead." "I don't see anything." "I'm just seeing you." "That is an odd choice, man..." "Between me and a woman's ass, I mean." "This isn't helping breakfast." "Wow!" "It's such a surprise that your wife wanted the company of somebody else." "Man!" "Do you talk like this around her?" " I happen to be a very sexual person." " Oh yeah?" "I just don't flap it around like a dick in the wind." "Is that your type?" "That's not your type?" "What is your type?" "If I was in the privacy of my own home with this," "I would have wonderful, consensual sex with this woman if we went out 12 to 14 times." "You can have consensual sex with any of these women as long as you give them, like, $400." "What's really weird is I was supposed to be at a baptism today." "Well, why would you want to go to a baptism?" "My roommate from college, his wife went through the whole thing." "She's getting baptized today." "Why do you still talk to your college roommate's wife?" "I don't talk to my sister anymore." " Sweetie, come here." "How you doing?" "Hi." " Hi." " Hi." " Hi." " Come here." " Oh." "My buddy here is not that experienced." " Give him an education." "You understand?" " Okay." " Whatever..." " Let's just leave it alone." "Shut up." "You're gonna love this." " Fine, but I'm doing this under protest." " What's to protest?" " Hi." "You have very strong hands." " Hi." "You're dancing with a hot chick under protest." " I don't know what to do with you, man." " I don't know what to do." "Clearly." "Don't come back until you have hepatitis C." "Okay." "Go get 'em, buddy." " Just sit down." " Sure." " It's like Jambi's house." " All right, sit down." "It's not as soft as I thought it would be," " but..." "lovely." " Open your legs." "Okay." "Now, tell me what you like." "Oh." "I like, uh... free WiFi..." "Matt Damon." "I love breakfast for dinner." "It's great." "It's, um... it's a lot." " Just relax." " Hey." "Um..." "I didn't know there was, uh..." "This is... this is the lap part then." " Mm-hmm." " You're a very good dancer." "Mmm." "Do you like that?" " Yeah." " Do you like to dance?" " I..." " Just relax, okay?" "Enjoy." " Yeah?" " Okay." "Yeah." "Oh yeah." "There's so many signs that say "no touching."" "Oh, that's okay." "Your friend ordered off menu." " What's your name?" " My name's Peter." " Mmm." "Pete." " Short for Pete." " Okay." "No, no, no." " Give it up, Pete." " Do you like that?" " It's just I'm a ticklish boy." " Isn't this fun?" "You having fun?" " Yeah." "Yeah?" " Pete." " Pete." "I'm sorry." "Sorry." "Sorry." "Hold on." "Sorry." "This is... this is degrading." " Degrading?" " Just..." " For who?" " For you." "For me?" "You are... you're being degraded, right?" " Excuse me?" " You're grinding on me for... for cash." "What the fuck do you do for a living?" "I'm a..." "I'm a stand-up." "I do comedy." " Oh shit." "A fucking comedian?" " Yeah." "Oh." "Okay, so you-you..." "You stand up on stage at a bar and show your comedy titties to strangers," " and that's okay?" " It's my passion?" "No one's a fucking bigger degenerate than a comic!" "I used to date Jim Norton." "He owes me fucking $4,000." " I..." " He can't even afford to get his own parking spot in Manhattan." " You got a parking spot?" " No." "I make $1,400 a night." "How much do you make?" " Uh..." " What are you gonna do when you're 60?" "Tell jokes at fucking Yuk Yuk's in Calgary?" " What?" " You think you're funny?" "You think you're funnier than Katt Williams?" "I don't do that kind of humor." "I'm..." "Every motherfucker and their mother has a one-hour special." "There's more demand, because people have an appreciation for the art form." "It don't mean dick!" "Comedy died with Richard Pryor." "You know what?" "I'm done talking to your ass." "We got three more songs, and I don't wanna hear nothing else no more." " Okay." "I'm sorry." " Three more songs." "Spank it, you Jim Gaffigan rip-off!" "What?" "I'm gonna give you some balls before you leave here." "Okay, that didn't feel good." "See you later." "Oh..." "God." "Shit." "So, where to now?" "I feel worse." "You liked that?" "What are you talking about, "liked that"?" "Of course." " You don't like that?" " It was depressing." "She yelled at me." "Where the fuck are you from?" "I mean, I can't believe it." "You never been to a legs and eggs before." "I'm a bad friend, Artie." "I should be with my friend today." " I should be at the baptism." " Fine!" "I'll go to the baptism with you." "You want to go to a baptism?" "I'm a comedian." "I work 45 minutes a night." "I got tons of hours to kill during the day." " Hey, Artie." " Yeah, gimme the..." "Hey!" "Jimmy Norton." " How you doing?" " Good to see you, man." "Good to see you, buddy." "Are you going for the breakfast?" "It's the best time to come." "Always come before noon." "The girls need you more than you need them." "You really fucking drive down prices before noon." "Good news." "We're on our way to a baptism." " Oh." "Pray for me, will ya?" " Of course." " Nice meeting you." " Nice to meet you." "Is there air conditioning under that tent?" "No, it's outside." "It's like a wedding." "Pay attention." "You might get something out of it, you know?" "I gotta pay attention?" "I'm beginning to feel like I'm on the opposing team's court." "Thank you, Lord, for this..." "Dude, I'm freaking out." "When do they bring out the Nikes and Kool-Aid?" " After the service or before?" " Hey." "These are good people." "They're loving people." "They'll be very nice to you." "Just try to blend in." " Pete?" "Hey." " Hey, Skowie." "What's up, man?" "I'm so glad you could make it." " Nice to see you." " You too." " Ellen, hi." " Hi." " Nice to see you." " So good to see you." " Hi." " Hey, how you doing?" "Artie Lange." " How you doing?" "All right?" "Yeah, okay." " Nice to meet you." " Take care of yourself." " All right, take care." " Elf?" " That's my friend Artie, yeah." " He's in Elf." "We love that movie." " Yeah." " It's a great film." " We rent a movie every Friday." "We call it "movie night."" "And who's this?" " Can you say hi, Penny?" " "Hi, Petey."" " "I'm Penny."" " Hey." "Can I hold her?" " Yeah." " Yeah, of course." "Watch the head." "Oh my goodness." "Uh-oh." "Uh-oh." " I know." "Yeah." "Just pull her dress down, Peter, in the back." "Yeah." "Hi." "This is amazing." "I'm so happy for you." "Getting baptized." "This is huge." "It's been an eventful year." "I just think this is a really good time to hit reset and just rededicate myself to the Lord." "Wow." "Okay." "All right, just..." "Just behind... behind her head." "You always want the butt." "The butt and the head." "Okay, okay." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay, all right, Peter." "Okay, look at that." " Okay, we'll take her back." " Yeah." " Okay." "Thank you." " Okay." "All right." " My God." "My God." "Okay." " There we go." " Okay, sorry." " There he is." "Peter." " Speaking of." "Nice to see you." " Good to see you." " Nice to see you, Steven, Ellen." " Hi, Pastor." " Thanks so much." "I'm so excited." " Big day today." "I hope that's not a new dress." " Now that is a comedian." " He's so funny." " Pete, we should catch up." " I would love to." " You wanna...?" " Yeah, let's walk over to our office." "Yeah, sure, great." ""Bye, Peter." "Bye, Pastor."" " Bye, Penny." "See ya, Skowie." " Thanks again for coming." "So, what's up?" "How are you?" " I'm..." "I'm fine." "I'm..." "I'm good." " You sure?" "Yeah." "I'm good." "Why?" "Just, you know, you hear things." "I don't know what people have been saying, but..." "Hey, that's... that's fine." "We don't have to talk about it." "I just wanted to bring you in and offer you some support, and I'd love to lift you up in prayer, if that's okay." "Yeah, of course." "That..." "that would be great." "Great." "So..." "Heavenly Father, we want to thank you for this glorious day and this opportunity to sit down with our brother Peter and help him through this trying and wicked, debaucherous time." "You are with us... especially when we need you the most." " Yes, Lord." " And as Pete has lowered himself to begging on the streets of Manhattan... pleading with strangers for money," " for food, Lord, we ask..." "Yes?" " Sorry." "I..." "I'm not begging on the streets." " That... that's not..." " Julie Chaney said she saw you panhandling in the West Village." "You were wearing ragged clothes, and..." " No." "No, no, no." " It was very sad." "I..." "I'm doing stand-up." "I'm handing out flyers." " Okay." " So, I'm not..." "Dear God, we ask that you forgive Peter for sins, for laws he may have broken, especially laws involving arson, also the laws that don't involve arson." " Okay, no." "I'm so sorry." " And we..." "Again, I haven't broken any laws." "Okay, Adam Johnson, he reads the police blotter, and he told me that there was a fire at your house, and you fled the scene." "You burnt down a garage." "I didn't..." "Okay, no." "That's..." "That's another misunderstanding." "There... there wa..." "I had a garage sale," "Jess and I, and there was a fire, but I didn't flee the scene." "I left with some things..." "Okay." "...and the fire was extinguished." "Are you doing drugs?" "Am I..." "No, I'm not doing drugs." "Okay, Stacey Chase said she saw you tweet about having the munchies." "Hashtag-FlamingHotCheetos." "I smoked some pot, yeah." "Can we..." "I wanna get back out, so..." " Okay, let's just finish this up then." " Yeah." " All right?" "Lord..." " Yeah." "Pete's marriage has fallen apart." " Yes, Father." " And we know it's because" "Jess had an affair." "Oh, sorry, I thought you were gonna stop me again." "That one's correct, yes." "Lord, forgive Peter for forcing his wife into the arms of another man." "Is it true that you walked in on her with two men?" " No." " Kevin Sparks has a porn addiction that he's dealing with, and he said he saw a video of you two on a cuckolding website." " That wasn't us." " That wasn't you." "Can you wrap it up?" "Amen." "I..." "I have to say it." "Amen." "You know, Jess is here today." " She is?" " Yeah." "She's here." " How you doing?" " Hey." " Having a good time?" " Yeah." "How about you?" "Are you kidding?" "Look at me." "I'm Christian mingling." " I'm Artie, by the way." " Stephanie." "Hi." "Nice to meet ya." "You with anybody or hanging out?" "Oh, just hanging out." "Hey, uh... how does this work?" "I thought they only baptized babies." " Well, I mean, some churches do." " Yeah." "We prefer it when people can make their own big decisions," " so we do it with adults..." " Uh-huh." "Oh yeah." "...kind of like John the Baptist with Jesus." "Oh." "Oh, right." "Okay." "Good guy, John the Baptist." "Not a lot of career options with that name, John the Baptist." "It's like my cousin, Joe the Foot." "He's a foot?" " He's got one foot." " Oh." "I'm gonna go sit down." "See you." "So, I'll see you later then for sure, right?" "All right." "This is free, I hope." "Right?" " Hey." "Hi." " Oh, my God." "Pete." "Sorry, I..." "I wasn't expecting to see you." " Well..." " I thought you weren't going to church." "Well, no, I'm here to support Ellen." " Ellen?" " Yeah." "I thought you hated Ellen." "I mean, I kinda do, but she invited me, so..." "I'm here for Steve." " Where's Leif?" " Oh, he's not here." "He's..." " It's..." " What?" "It's over." " Oh, my God." " Yeah." "I thought it was this whole other thing, and then he said he was leaving his wife, but he was still with her, so..." "Are they..." "Are they still together?" "One assumes." "I'm so sorry." "Then she called and threatened me, so she has my number, which has been really fun." "Wow." "I've spent a lot of the past week... fantasizing about you guys breaking up, but now I just feel terrible for you." "That's weird." "I was so worried about you this whole time, and it seems like you're doing better than all of us." "I don't know." "It's... not exactly what I thought out there, you know?" " Really?" " I don't..." "Hello, everyone!" "Good afternoon." "Before we begin today's journey," "I want to invite all of you to a game of TAG." " He still does this?" " And no, I don't mean we're gonna run around and chase each other." "Laughs every time." "No, I mean some T-A-G, "Time Alone with God."" "Let's take advantage of these beautiful grounds." "I want everyone to take a walk and clear your minds, open your hearts to what's about to happen." "So, I'll see you all in a few minutes" "Please return at the sound of the triangle." " Jess..." " Pete, listen," "Could, uh, could we do this whole "walk in the woods" thing together?" "I..." "I don't wanna be alone with God, you know?" "It gets in my head, and then I go to a bad place." " Hold on, Artie." " I-I... uh..." "Yeah." "I..." "I need to smoke." "I need a smoke." "Jess." "Hey." "Do you, uh, do you mind if I walk with you?" "Time alone with God, right?" "Feels familiar." "Yeah, I feel like a tourist." "Like, this used to be our life, you know." "I'm sorry, I feel like I need to do this alone." "Oh." "So..." "I'm sorry." "No, I just..." "I have a lot to think about." "You know, being back here and seeing all these people just reminds me of what I used to have and what I want." "I don't know." "Excuse me." "Okay." "Hey." "How you doing?" " Hey." " Hey, uh... you mind if I bum one of those?" "Yeah, thanks." "Not a big woods guy, so thank you." "These things are valuable here." "Ah." "Thank you." "Oh, that feels good." "The cigarette after lunch is like one of the 40 best cigarettes of the day." " Can I ask you something?" " Sure." "Come on." "Time alone with God?" " Come on." "Come on." " That's your question?" "I don't know." "Staring into leaves and shit, all this spirituality." "I mean..." "You want to know how I'm buying into all this?" "You seem like a reasonable person." "You seem rational, right." "You..." "Yeah, I wanna know if it's real or if it's bullshit, because if it's real, I gotta talk to ya." "I don't know." "I need more details." "I just do." "Leave me alone!" " Hey!" " Just get out of here!" " Get away from me!" "Stop it!" " Hey!" " You're scaring me!" " Jess!" "Oh God." " Huh?" " What?" "Leif?" " What are you doing here?" " I can't believe you followed me here." "You're not answering my calls, Jess." "Of course I'm not answering your calls." "I don't want to talk to you." "I had to follow you to talk to you." " What is he doing here?" " This is our church." "We're members." "We belong here." "Okay." "Fine." "I understand that." " Peter, Jess..." " Ow." "I have to say I'm so, so sorry." "I made a huge mistake." "I came here to tell you" " that I talked to my wife." " You said it was done before." "I'm so sorry it took so long, but she is a scary human being." "She would grab me, be physical with me, and toss me around, and I had to take it." "I don't know what abuse is, but I'm pretty sure she abused me." "I met his wife." "She wasn't that scary." "You're a fucking hippie douche bag." "What were the last seven months, Jess?" "This started seven months ago?" "It wasn't serious for that long." "Oh, just casual adultery?" "You're in the program, right?" "What makes you think I'm in the program?" " Well, I'm looking at your face." " Oh!" "You look like you snorted the Big Book." "Oh!" "Thank you, sweetie." "I run into Don Rickles in the woods." " Are you in the program?" " Yeah." "It's not helping me, obviously, and clearly something's helped you." "I..." "I'm looking for something, but I can't buy into this." "I mean, come on, you know about the higher power." "That's the one part I could never buy into." "Why not?" "Because what is..." "That's so vague." "Higher power?" "What does that mean?" " It's the easiest part." " So, what is it?" "Be specific." "It's about letting go and not holding onto something." " It's just letting go." " Letting go of what?" "I mean, I don't know." "Like, look around." "Who made all this?" "You think that just happened?" "That's the best argument, I guess." "I don't know, but to me, we could be on the set of Jurassic Park." " You know?" " And that would be cool?" "Yeah, but it wouldn't be God." "It would be, you know, teamsters and a couple of guys in the Carpenter's Union who Spielberg knows." "My point is, there's an explanation for everything." " This could be man-made." " It's not." "Oh." "Convince me." "I need a real relationship!" "You're off on another planet." "Explain our love." "I was in a trance and now I'm out of it." "We just had good sex together, and that was confusing to me, 'cause I'd never had an orgasm before, and that's what was really messing with my mind." "But it was just an orgasm!" "Our 11-hour sessions are one of the deepest, most ritualistic experiences of love I've ever had, and I need that with you, forever." "My friends think I'm like a wicked fucking idiot who had sex with the hand-turkey guy!" "You're not even a real artist, okay?" " I'm an idiot for fucking you!" " Thank you." "That all hurts, and I thank you for having the courage to give it to me, but whatever person you need me to become," " I will become that." " I don't want you to become that." " I want you to be that!" " I will be that after I become it!" "It's over, okay?" "Jess, we can't end an argument negatively." "What, is she..." "Is she always like that?" " What do you want me to say?" " Give me the courage." "It's like quantum physics, right?" "Like string theory." " Yeah?" " You ever notice how the further down you get into the sub-sub- subatomic particles the more mystery there is, the less we understand?" "I don't get it on the most just basic and most surface of levels." "What I'm saying is that it's all the same thing." "Science and religion and all of that, it's all the same." "It's just us trying to understand it all." "Science is trying to photograph it, and people go to church to try to feel it." "Honestly, I'm trying to pretend that I understand what you're talking about, but in high school, I thought the blue part of the globe was the sky, so I'm not deep." "I don't understand what the hell you're talking about." "I know that it's hard to not have anything to believe in," " but it's easier if you try." " Uh." "Eh." "I..." "I guess, but, look, I've done a lot of bad things." "I've probably done a lot worse than you." "Oh, come on." "Now, you know, I'm calling the bullshit." "What did you do?" "That's not a first-time-we-meet conversation." "Well, maybe it's a second-time-we-meet conversation." "Well, you know, I..." "I'll try it." " I'll give it a shot." " Okay." " You believe me?" " Yeah, I believe you." "That's where girls go wrong." " Come on." " Oh." "All right." "Wasn't that lovely?" "You'll notice there are no babies being baptized today, that's it's not just for water safety." "It's because we practice a believer's baptism." "And unlike, say, the Catholics, who are sprinkling babies all Willy-nilly we have a three-week course." "So, Glen." "You need to leave Jess alone." "Do not interfere in our destiny, Peter." "Do you pledge your life to the service and love of Christ?" "I do." "Welcome home, brother." "Oh yeah!" "Praise Jesus!" "Yee-haw-yoo!" "We all need forgiveness." "We all need redemption." "We all need to come home, right?" "That's what this is about." "All of us stray from the path sometimes." "Your wife tried to Shania Twain me, by the way." "What does that mean?" "It means she tried to fuck me." "Just like the church, we represent God, welcoming you home." "Sure, you've made some mistakes, you've done some things you're not proud of, you made some choices that you regret." "Church is still here." "God forgives you." "All you have to do is ask." "Isn't that good news?" " Ellen." " Let's do this." " You ready to come home?" " Wait!" " Wait what?" " Jess!" "Jess!" " I need this!" " No, unacceptable." "I'm next." "I'm second." " Jessica, this is not okay." " I need this, Pastor." " Jessica, come on!" " Please, please, let me do this." " Jessica, what are you doing?" " Please, let me come home." " Please." " This is a ceremony." "These people took a three-week course." "Monday and Tuesday, 9:00 to 4:00." "But you know I know all the basics." "Just let me do it." " You've already been baptized." " I know, but I've strayed too far." "I need to come home." "Okay, Jessica, I don't think that you are in the right place for this, personally." " Get her outta there!" " Shut up, Ellen!" " You shut up!" " Just dunk me and let me be risen!" "Jessica, we are all aware in this congregation that you've been unfaithful to Pete." "You cheated on him with an art teacher." " Jess!" "Sweetheart!" " Hey." "Don't do it." "That's bullshit!" "Baby, you don't need God." "You just need me." " Sir." " What are you doing?" "This is very inappropriate." "You need to get out of the pool." "I can't." "Sweetheart, I love you so much." "I'm so sorry." "I'm so sorry!" "I get this, though." "This is a cool ceremony." "Congratulations." "Jess!" "I love you," "I need you, and I want us to just go home." "That's what I want." "I want to go home." "You don't need God." "You're God, and I'm God." "God is love, and together, we make God." "Let's go home and make some God." "We can do it as God." "Okay, none of that is true, and most of it didn't make any sense." " How do you know, Officer?" " Officer?" "I'm a pastor." " So am I." " Really?" "Of what?" "Pastor of life." "I love you so much, Jess, and I want to be with you for the rest of my life." "I've known that since we met." "I've made too many mistakes." " That's okay." " I've strayed off my path." "Uh, Jess!" "No!" "Wait!" "Jess, hold on." "I've made mistakes too." "Hold on." " Sir, would you hold this, please?" " Sure." "Wait." "You don't have to do this." "I forgive you." "Okay." "Okay." "Steps." "Jess, we've both strayed from the path, but I forgive you." "Please forgive me." "We need to go home." "It's not about your forgiveness." "It's something I have to do for myself." " I want to come back." " I can't go back with you." "Jess and I are together now." "What are you talking about, man?" "Help me!" "Help you?" "I'm not gonna help you get back with my wife!" " We're a family." " I thought you were a comedian now." "I don't have to be a comedian." "It's a hobby." "I can make you laugh." "I can make our kids laugh." "You don't want to be with him, Jess." "You weren't happy." "We can put the genie back in the bottle." " You can't put genies back in bottles!" " Shut up!" " They're out being genies!" " Shut up!" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "I chose Jesus!" "Oh!" "Woo!" "Hallelujah!" "Oh!" "She is risen!" "That did not count." "That did not count, everyone!" "None of this counts!" "Jess, you don't understand." "I..." "I have nothing." "I have..." "I have no job." "I have no money." "I..." "I have no prospects." "I have nowhere to stay." "I need to be with you." "God will provide a way, Peter." "He always does." "What about Tampa, though?" "Jess?" "I already put down a deposit!" "Jess!" "God!" "She wasn't that great." " See?" "This is church." " Yeah." "I'll tell ya, this ain't bad." "Oh, that's good stuff." "Thank you, Lord." "I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately on the happiest moments of my life, and I thought of a big one." "You ever make plans with someone you do not want to hang out with and then they cancel?" "Does wet money work, man?" "What a rip." "It's not enough, anyway." "I can't really help you out with the hotel, but my brother will wire me money... in the next couple days." "I just gotta give him a call." "He's a bitcoin guy." "Do you ever think about who existed in your environment before you came upon it?" "Like, for example, we are here, but... who was here before... we got here?" "Who was here before this hotel... was here?" "Maybe the Indians?" "Maybe... pioneers?" "Could be Vikings." "There were no Vikings... in upstate New York." "Are you still mad?" "Don't eat French fries with your foot." "I'm really excited about our friendship, man." "We're not friends." "We're broke... together." "That's how it starts." "Would you be uncomfortable if I put on some adult fare?"