"Oh, the play's about to start." "I don't think I can do it, Christine." "The fall productioof" ""Twenty Untalented Rich White Kids Boring Me to Death" nearly killed me." "Stop it, Matthew.We're doing this for Ritchie, okay, and he's gonna ***stage so we need to appear interested." "I suggest counting backward in your head from 10,000." "It got me through my marriage." "It will get me through this-- no offense, Richard." "None taken." "Oh, God, look at this." "It takes place in Scotland." "Oh, God, in 1849." "Oh, God, it's based on a poem." "Richard, come on, he's only a little boy." "It's not so hard to show our support." "What, he's the lead?" "They gave him lines?" "What the hell were they thinking?" "Look, I don't care if he stinks, okay?" "The important thing is he doesn't know he stinks." "So we're just gonna cheer him on, just like we cheered him on when he failed at clarinet, when he failed at soccer, when he failed his yellow belt test for karate." "Don't they give you a yellow belt just for being able to tie the belt?" "they do, Matthew, but not when you tie it on your head." "Man, he stinks." "That's why we're gonna tell him he's great." "Maybe it's not good we keep telling him he's great at everything." "What if it gives him an overinflated, unrealistic opinion of himself?" "talk to Elisabeth Hasselbe's family." "there they are." "The tragically supportive Campbell family, here once again to cheer on The Little Engine that Couldn't." "well, I just hope Richard doesn't embarrass himself too badly tonight." "There is a lot of stake." "there's a child talent agent in the audience." "Who would let their child be a talent agent?" "No, the agent's not a child; she represents children." "Is she serious?" "it's actually a very big deal." "Two years ago, a sixth grader got a three commercial contract." "She now has her own place in Laurel Canyon." "Wound up suing to divorce her parents." "And that's just one of the many success stories." "Leave it to this place to corrupt something as pure and simple as a school play." "Of course you're gonna say that." "Your kid stinks." "excuse me." "For your information, he does not stink." "And even when he does, we are here as a family to support him, because that's what families do." "They stick together." "10,999, 10,998, 10,997, 10,996... the new adventures of old christine Season 04 Episode 08" "It's okay, Elizabeth." "I'm here." "You can go now." "In Heaven, your legs won't be mangled, and your lungs... they will be strong." "She's gone." "I will hear you in the song of every bird and feel you in the kiss of every raindrop." "Don't go, don't go, Elizabeth." "Stay with me." "Oh, my God, he was fantastic." "Unbelievable." "What did you think?" "I can't talk yet." "Wow, that was a good play?" "Ritchie played the heck out of that... shepherd." "Where did you go?" "Oh, I had to slip out." "It's just so much easier for me to lie to him when I haven't seen the performance." "I'm gonna say that he was moving." "Do you want to take "incredible" this time?" "Matthew, he was incredible." "Okay, Christine, that leaves you "superb" and "fabulous." "" He was fabulous, and he was superb." "Save it for when he gets here." "I need you to listen to me." "He was good." "Excuse me." "Are you Ritchie Campbell's mother?" "I wish." "I'm Ritchie Campbell's mother." "I'm Heidi Baker." "I own a talent agency, and I thought your son was wonderful." "Has he done a lot of acting?" "No, he's been in five plays, but this is the first time he's acted." "But it runs in the family." "I was in the industry for a little while, so..." "What industry?" "The business." "The gym business?" "Show business." "I did a very well received student film in college." "You talking about that video of you taking off your top at the Orange County Fair?" "That's called a location shoot, Richard." "And,actually, it won an award." "Well, not an award, per se, but the, the director got a,a B minus." "Anyway, I'm casting a national commercial, and we're looking for a child Ritchie's age who can act." "I think he'd be perfect." "Let me know if Ritchie's interested in auditioning." "Oh, he is." "No, thanks." "We're not doing that." "We could do this." "We're never doing that." "Okay, well, we'll discuss it." "What are you doing?" "Richard, that woman was a professional who wanted Ritchie." "The only other professional who ever wanted Ritchie was that guy who ran that clinic for special boys up in Maine." "You okay?" "Yeah, something just came over me." "I'm fine." "So, did you guys like the play?" "What the hell is wrong with me?" "That was so fun." "Did you see all those girls talking to me?" "It was awesome." "Awesome." "Plus, I got to wear makeup." "I'm gonna go see if my lips are still red." "Such a mixed bag with that kid." "You know what," "I think I'm gonna give that agent a call in the morning and set up an audition." "Thought we were gonna discuss it." "That's what we're doing." "You're not discussing, you're informing." "It's an informative discussion about what I plan to do with my kid." "he is my kid ,too." "Well, he's in my house right now, so finders keepers." "Don't fight it, she's using the nonsense defense." "Richard, how many things is he really good at?" "He's not sporty, he's not crafty, he's not arty.He's just sucky." "And you know that I love him completely." "I don't want him to be a child actor." "They grow up too fast." "When I was little, I was approached to be on Sesame Street, but my parents wouldn't let me." "See, because they were smart." "Actually, it was because I had a Christian aunt who thought that talking monsters were the work of the devil." "Think you may have cost me that round." "Richard, come on, let him have just one audition, just to see if he likes it." "He's gonna hate it." "Why don't you just ask Ritchie what he wants to do and take it from there?" "You know what, no offense, but you're not a parent, so why don't you just let us handle it, okay?" "That's actually a really good idea." "What did she say?" "I wasn't really listening." "Let's let Ritchie decide." "If he wants to try it, then we'll let him do it." "If not, that will be the end of it." "Oh, okay, that's a good idea." "Ritchie." "Hey, Ritchie, buddy, come here a second, sweetie." "So, Mommy and Daddy were just talking about how great you were in the play tonight." "Did you have fun?" "Yeah, so much fun." "Oh, good." "Okay, so you are gonna be so happy to know that there was a lady there who thought you would be perfect for a TV commercial." "Oh, cool." "Yeah, right, so want to do that?" "No, thanks." "What, why not?" "But you were so good and you liked it." "I think I'll just stick with karate." "I'm okay." "He may need to know karate." "Well, that's it then." "Ritchie decided for himself, and I think that was the right decision." "I'll see you tomorrow." "Bye." "Did you see that?" "I'm a man, anwhat I say goes." "No, I didn't see that." ""That's right, woman, listen to your man." "Now, make me some food and sex me up" "" None of that happened." "Yeah, that happened." "You're a man, too, so you're like," ""Oh, I'm a man, so I agree with what all the other men say." "" Great.Okay, then 10:00 this morning." "Yeah, well, we're looking forward to it." "Okay, bye." "Looking forward to what?" "Who was that?" "I'm taking Ritchie to the audition." "I thought you and Richard agreed to do what Ritchie wanted." "I know, but I was up all last night thinking about it, and you know what I realized?" "Kids are stupid." "I know our dad said that out loud, but these days," "I don't think you're supposed to." "No, I mean that they just don't know what's good for them." "You know, Matthew, I love him so much." "He is the smartest, cutest, most wonderful little guy, and I want so badly to see him succeed at something." "It would be so good for his self-esteem." "God, I remember when Mom said stuff like that to me." "Except I'd be sitting on the edge of the bathtub holding her ashtray... so it was kind of neutral for my self-esteem." "You know what I resent most about our parents?" "Unless you had to hold that ashtray," "I don't want to hear about it." "I mean, they never encouraged us to do anything." "Remember that summer that we spent at dance camp?" "You know, I've never actually told anybody this, but my instructor, Mrs.Knoller, said..." "That you could have been a professional dancer." "You tell everybody that." "Yeah, right, well, 'cause it's true." "And you were good, too" "I mean, come on, what does your jazz instructor say about you?" "I don't remember." "No, come on, sure you do." "No, come on, that was a long time ago." "Matthew, come on, what did he say?" "He said he couldn't take his eyes off me when I moved." "Yes!" "Right, exactly." "Because we were great." "And then, don't you remember Mom asked if we wanted to continue dancing?" "We both said no, and I decided to lose my virginity, and you studied to become a wizard." "It was not a wizard; it was a Dungeon Master." "Get it right." "Oh, sorry.well," "I knew it was the opposite of losing your virginity." "Anyway, listen, the point is, don't you wish that Mom had made us continue dancing?" "I mean, really, Matthew, don't you miss it?" "Don't...don't be one of those parents who tries to live their failed dreams through their kids just let it go." "No, it's not about me." "It's about guiding Ritchie to do something that he's good at, you know?" "I mean, there's no worse sin than wasted talent." "What about murder?" "Well, yeah, okay, yeah." "What about murder, Matthew?" "Why do people murder?" "Because they didn't get encouragement from their parents." "Okay?" "Don't make Ritchie a murderer, Matthew." "Come on... let's dance." "I don't want to." "Sure you do." "You love the dance." "I'm going to pass you the dance now." "Do not pass me the dance." "I'm passing it." "Take it!" "Damn it, I love the dance." "And damn it, I can't take my eyes off of you when you move." "Oh, yeah." "Right." "This is going to be fun." "You get to audition for a real commercial." "Are you excited?" "I said I didn't want to do it." "Oh, sweetie, you didn't even try it yet." "Come on." "You know what, I bet this is going to be like tempura." "Remember, how you tried tempura and now you like it?" "Well, I bet this is going to be exactly like that." "Kind of like a self-esteem tempura." "Matthew, how can I say that better?" "Better than "self-esteem tempura"?" "I don't think that there is a way." "Am I going to have to miss my yellow belt test?" "Sweetie, I think that you are going to like this even more than you like karate." "Remember when you didn't like raisins?" "Well, this is going to be like a self-esteem tempura with raisins." "You beat it." "Hi, it's..." "Campbell's the name." "You can sign in here, and when you're done you can wait over there with the other stage mothers." "Oh, I'm not a stage mother." "I'm a good mother." "Okay, you can wait over there with the other good mothers." "Oh, hello, Christine." "Is this where you're working now?" "Oh, pick up your legs so she can clean." "No, no, no, don't." "I'm not the maid." "Why would you think I was the maid?" "I know you have a job, and you're wearing a uniform." "I just put two and two together." "But this isn't a uniform." "This is from TJ Maxx." "And we're here because the casting agent specifically asked for Ritchie." "Oh, Christine, no." "Show business is a cruel mistress." "It spits out the weak and it destroys the unprepared." "You know, it would be a great story, though." "Son of a janitor makes it big and buys his mother a two-bedroom home." "I have a two-bedroom home." "I'm sorry." "Well, I guess being a therapist, it's the first job I ever had that really speaks to who I am." "So what do you do?" "I'm in Ritchie's class." "I went to pick Ritchie up at school today." "They told me you had taken him out early." "Where'd you take him, Christine?" "It was a surprise." "For your birthday." "We went to the commercial audition." "Surprise." "Ritchie, Matthew, go to your rooms." "I need to talk to Christine." "Okay, Richard, I know that you're mad..." "Mad?" "Mad doesn't begin to describe how I feel." "Happy?" "Christine, we agreed he wasn't going to go to that audition, and then you went behind my back and took him anyway." "No, no, we didn't agree." "You said you didn't want him to go," "I said I wanted him to go, so we went." "You don't get to do that." "yeah, I think I do." "It was a tie." "Didn't you ever hear of that expression, tie goes to the mother?" "That's not an expression." "Yeah, I think it is." "No, it's "tie goes to the runner." "" Well, we disagree, which is a tie, so I win." "You... don't... can't..." "Okay, Richard, I know what I did was wrong." "I should have respected your wishes." "Thank you." "However..." "You might want to know that they picked him." "There was a room full of kids and they picked him." "Over everybody else... including Lindsay's and Marly's kids." "He got the job?" "Yeah." "I mean, do you remember the last time he was picked first for anything?" "He was never picked first for anything." "He was never even picked last for anything." "A chair got picked before him in dodge ball." "And he was so good." "I mean, you should have seen it." "And he was so proud of himself." "I bet he was." "My boy got picked." "God, he was so happy, Richard." "He was doing cartwheels down the hall." "Let me have my moment, Christine." "Is Ritchie ready?" "Yeah, he's just upstairs getting dressed." "He is so excited about doing this commercial." "He's been jumping around his room all morning." "Okay, I'm ready to go." "Oh, honey, what's going on?" "I have my yellow belt test today." "No, no, honey, you're filming your commercial today." "You're going to have to miss your karate test." "I don't want to miss my karate test." "I want to get my yellow belt." "No, you wanted to do the commercial." "No, you wanted me to do the commercial." "No, honey, it's not about me, it's about you." "I want to do karate." "Okay, I know you want to do karate, but I want you to do the commercial." "Do you understand?" "I don't." "Look, pal, we just think doing the commercial is a better choice for you, because you're really good at it." "You!" "You guys tell me I'm good at a lot of things." "Yes... but thiss a different good." "A good, good." "A real good." "A very good." "I don't care." "Okay, well, Ritchie, you know what, you're just going to just have to trust us." "Because we're the parents and we think we know what's best for you." "That's not fair!" "Well, honey, life isn't fair." "Now go upstairs and change your uniform." "(groans) I know what I'm doing, Ritchie." "What am I doing, Richard?" "Sometimes parents have to make choices for their kids and kids don't always like it." "But it's still the right thing to do." "Yeah, but he loves karate." "He's terrible at karate." "Of all the things he's terrible at, he's the most terrible at karate." "Well, fortunately, he inherited my artistic talent." "Talking about your porno again?" "Okay... that is so gross, Richard." "It was a student film." "About a topless girl." "Boy, man..." "This is the big time?" "On my film, there's just one guy with a camera and bucket of ice." "Oh, sorry." "I know you don't like my show biz stories." "Those are not stories." "They're repressed memories." "Are you Mr. and Mrs. Campbell?" "Oh, yeah, close enough." "I'm having trouble directing Ritchie." "What do you mean?" "He's making this odd, stressed-out face.It's hard to describe." "He is?" "Yeah, that's it." "He seems really unhappy about being here." "Oh, yeah, that's because he's really unhappy about being here." "Well, if he's not ready in two minutes," "I'm going to have to swap him out with another actor." "What are we going to do?" "Well, I don't know." "On my movie, I got cold feet so they hid my shirt." "What happened on that movie, Christine?" "I'm fine, I'm fine." "Listen, I thought we decided it was our job to force him to do stuff that he doesn't want to do." "Is that what we decided?" "I thought this was supposed to be about Ritchie, not about us." "Well, of course, it's not about us, but think about it-- we can't just let him quit." "This could be the start of a real career based on his wonderful talent." "You're getting ahead of yourself." "But he's good, Richard, you know." "And this commercial could lead to TV and to movies and to Broadway." "This could be my big chance." "Whose big chance?" "His big chance." "You said "you." "" No, I meant him." "Come on, Richard, don't you understand?" "I could be on Broadway!" "Who could?" "Oh, my God." "Is it possible that this is all about me?" "I guess anything's possible." "Oh, no, you've got to be kidding me." "I thought I was doing this for Ritchie." "How does this always happen?" "This is your fault." "How does that always happen?" "Ritchie?" "Ritchie?" "I think we're done." "I need another kid." "Go, go, go." "Way to go, sweetie." "You're doing great." "Such a good dancer." "He gets it from me. the new adventures of old christine Season 04 Episode 08"