"Sweetheart, I'm starting the pancakes." "Be right there." "Tabatha, I hate to smother another creative urge, young lady but oatmeal is for eating not for finger painting." "Just a minute." "Could you wait a minute, please?" "Someone's at the door." "We're going to Dr. McDonald's." "And he's gonna weigh you, so put some of that food inside." "Gas company." "I'm just gonna check the meter out here." "Oh, fine." "Always inform people of my presence." "Don't wanna be taken for a prowler." "That's a good idea." "If I'm gonna get shot, I want it to be for a good reason." "Yes." "Would you excuse me?" "I have someone on the phone." "Oh, for Pete's sake." "Can you hang on for just a moment, please?" "Eat." "Who was that on the phone?" "I don't know yet." "Would you like your lawn mowed?" "Well...." "Darrin, there's a boy here." "Do you want the lawn mowed?" "I'm very cheap." "Tell him no thanks." "It has to be reseeded." "I can reseed it if you tell me how." "If I knew how, I'd do it myself." "Got something burning?" "The pancakes!" "Sam!" "What was that with the pancakes?" "Why...." "Oh, Darrin, I simply have to answer that phone." "Hello." "I'm sorry to have kept you waiting." "Is this what?" "The Institute for Domestic Harmony?" "Boy, have you got a wrong number." "Sam, millions of wives all over the country manage to cope with pancakes in the normal way." "Why can't you?" "I told you." "I didn't want them to burn." "I see." "You wanted me to burn instead." "All right." "All right." "Next time I won't answer the phone." "And anyone who comes to the door can go hang." "You've always got some excuse, haven't you?" "I have to get Tabatha ready to go to the doctor." "Now, I said I'm sorry." "What more can I do?" "You can live up to your promise." "I try." "Not hard enough." "Darrin, why don't you go to work?" "I'll go when I'm good and ready." "Which, fortunately for both of us, is right now." "Okay." "Now, remember, when we get to Dr. McDonald's office it's one balloon and one lollipop, okay?" "Two balloons and two lollipops." "How about no balloons and no lollipops?" "One balloon and one lollipop." "Thought there was supposed to be somebody home." "Search me." "You sure this is the right place?" "One-six-two." "One-six-two." "Well, let's get started." "They'll probably show up before we leave." "I told you to go at the doctor's." "I don't get it." "They were supposed to be here hours ago." "I hope they got lost." "Are you gonna start that again?" "Sue me." "I like real grass." "I'm telling you this stuff looks real." "It even feels real." "You don't have to water it, weed it or mow it." "I happen to like the way grass smells when it's freshly mowed." "Well, you wouldn't if you had to mow it." "Hi, Mr. Stephens." "That's a groovy-looking lawn you got there." "Thanks." "It is?" "Wait till Daddy hears what a good report we got from the doctor." "He's going to be very proud of his little girl." "Big girl." "Yeah, that's right." "You did grow three-eighths of an inch." "Now, here, take one sip for Mommy." "And one sip for Daddy." "Oh, Sam." "I know that tone." "Better make it two sips for Daddy." "You're home early, sweetheart." "Sam, if you're looking for an argument, I'm too tired." "Pardon?" "I'll admit I went a little bit overboard about pancakes this morning." "But that's still no reason to rub my nose in it." "In the pancakes?" "No, in your witchcraft." "I'm even willing to believe that you were trying to save me some money." "But I would like it clearly understood that either I can afford something or I can't." "If I can't, I can't." "Well, that certainly makes sense." "But nothing else you're saying does." "What on earth are you talking about?" "That." "Where did that come from?" "Sam, please." "Cut it out." "You mean you think I did this?" "No, I think thousands of elves arrived each with a blade of grass, and planted it." "Very funny." "Well, this isn't." "Darrin, I had nothing to do with it." "Then who did?" "This isn't even real grass." "That only proves that even a witch isn't perfect." "One of us has to be big about this." "I'll admit I was hard on you this morning if you'll admit you were trying to get back at me by zapping in that lawn." "Pass the lamb chops, please." "Afraid I'll get sore?" "I promise I won't." "The lamb chops, please." "You're entitled to an emotional upset just like any other woman in the world." "Another act of defiance, huh?" "Why couldn't you just ask me to pass it?" "What's the difference?" "I might as well be hung for a lamb chop as a lawn." "Sam, believe me, you'll sleep much better if you'll just admit it once and for all." "Darrin I would like to make a statement." "You mean you're ready to tell the truth?" "Yes." "Well, I'm listening." "The truth is I am up to here with that stupid grass." "I would like desperately not to hear another word about it." "And I would like to go to sleep." "I see." "Okay, I won't say anything more." "Thank you." "Except for this." "Even if you won't admit it, I forgive you." "That's very generous." "If it's all the same to you, I do not want to be forgiven for something I didn't do." "And I am going to bed." "Will you take care of one thing first?" "Get rid of it." "All right." "Thunder, dunder Seven-day wonder" "Look below and see this blunder" "Spirits all who roam the night" "Take this greenery from my sight" "See?" "Don't you feel better now that you've admitted it?" "Sorehead." "Thanks." "Hate to bother you so early, but what happened to it?" "I...." "What?" "Our grass." "Grass?" "Who...." "Who are you?" "Well that's who we are." "Artificial grass?" "Like he never heard of it." "That turf we laid down yesterday is worth 2000 bucks." "What'd you do with it?" "Well, let me...." "Who told you to put it--?" "Why did you deliver it here?" "Because you've got the wrong number on your house is why." "Oh, no." "Oh, yes, indeedy." "Well, naturally you're surprised." "Frankly, so am I. You see, I thought that my wife put that" "That is, when we realized it was a mistake my wife took it away." "Your wife?" "Your wife picked up 1500 square feet of grass?" "Well, not her personally." "Naturally, she had help." "You don't care about that." "You just want your grass back, right?" "That's right." "I'll see that you get your grass back." "You know something, you're not making much sense." "Oh, he is to me." "He's got it stashed somewhere, and he's gonna sell it." "That's ridiculous." "You check with me later, and I'll give you further details." "Who was that at the door?" "Wrong number." "What?" "I mean, wrong address." "Sam, I've been thinking." "Last night I jumped to a conclusion." "I was wrong." "I'm sorry." "Who was at the door?" "Just a couple of men looking for" "Sam, the truth is, that grass was put in by mistake." "It's worth $2000, and I'm responsible for it." "I see." "Sam, they're coming back." "They expect to find that grass." "You realize, of course, that I'll have to use witchcraft to get it back." "Of course." "And suddenly that doesn't bother you?" "Sure it does, but what else can I do?" "I don't know." "Why can't you cope with the situation like any other mortal husband?" "Your average mortal husband doesn't have a wife who can remove the lawn." "And she doesn't have a husband who is inconsistent." "This is no time to start an argument." "I see." "When would be the best time?" "Are you going to cooperate or not?" "I haven't made up my mind." "The other alternative is to pay the $2000 and you cut down on your household expenses." "I just made up my mind." "Oh, Sam." "Oh, thank you." "And I'll make it up to you." "I promise." "I'll even be nice to your mother." "I may get ill, but I'll do it." "You can begin by not insulting her." "I didn't insult the old warhorse." "It's okay." "Go on, go on." "Hallow, fallow, rooster's cry As the sun climbs in the sky" "Spirit of light, bring back the lawn" "That these mortal fools did spawn" "What--?" "What's wrong?" "I don't know." "Are you sure you've got the right spell?" "Positive." "Someone must be counteracting it." "But who?" ""Let the dumb cluck bail himself out."" "Signed, The Old Warhorse." "Oh, Darrin." "Well, that's the last time I try to be nice to her." "The way I got rid of those guys was by telling them I'd check with my wife." "What do I tell them next?" "My wife's checking with her mother?" "Sweetheart, I'm sorry, but you shouldn't have offended her." "If she doesn't take off that counterspell, I can't do anything about the lawn." "You see who it is." "I'll keep trying to contact Mother." "My name's MacLane." "I live up the street." "Oh, and my name's Darrin" "I know, I know." "What'd you do with my grass?" "You're the one who" "Yeah." "They told me they installed it here by mistake." "And why have you got my numbers on your house?" "Oh, well, they're not the same." "It's loose." "See?" "Funny coincidence, isn't it?" "Not to me, it isn't." "Where'd it go?" "The whole thing's a mystery to me, the whole thing." "But you're welcome to look around." "I'm sure I don't have it." "But the company told me they delivered it here." "Wait a minute." "Before you make allegations you better see a lawyer, and furthermore" "Hey, Mr. Stephens, what happened to that beautiful lawn you had yesterday?" "Oh, you better tell me what happened to my lawn, buddy." "Now, wait." "Don't do anything that you'll regret later on." "These things are never solved by physical force." "I warn you, I fought as a middleweight in the Navy." "And I make it a rule never to fight out of my class." "Good grief." "You have to change your rule because I'm gonna bust you right in the bazoo." "Just you wait." "I'm not only gonna get you for theft I'm going to sue you for assault and battery." "Sweetheart, you all right?" "Yes, and thanks, Sam." "You're a great referee." "Any luck with your mother?" "Oh, she's just being obstinate." "What are we gonna do?" "I was thinking about that between punches." "We've got to try something drastic." "Come on." "Darrin, I'm not sure this makes sense." "Why not?" "Your mother's counterspell only applies to our lawn." "It won't stop you from putting that grass where it was supposed to go in the first place." "But how are you going to explain how it got there?" "That's the best part." "I won't." "That big ox will." "Okay." "Let her rip." "Hallow, fallow, rooster's cry As the sun climbs in the sky" "And the spirits of the day are seen Change this lawn to verdant green" "You see?" "It worked, it worked!" "I'm off the hook." "Pretty good job, huh?" "It's beautiful." "This artificial grass is great." "Maybe we should get some..." "...for our lawn." "Sam." "Well, I meant the regular way." "You know, if I didn't know it was artificial I would be willing to bet" "Sam, it is real grass." "What?" "Oh, my goodness." "Maybe you used the wrong spell." "Or maybe I can't produce artificial grass, only the real thing." "What kind of sense does that make?" "Quick, before somebody" "Elvira, we've got our lawn." "Come here, quick." "Elvira, where are you?" "I'm coming, I'm coming." "When did they put it in?" "It must've been while we were arguing." "How about that." "Is that terrific?" "I told you before, and I'll tell you again." "I like real grass." "Are you gonna tell me that doesn't look real?" "Not to me, it doesn't." "It even feels real." "Is that clever?" "They have crabgrass in it to make it look more realistic." "It even smells like real grass." "Here, look at it." "Feel it." "It's your grass." "You feel it." "Boy, are you stubborn." "While they're inside, make artificial grass." "I'm not sure I can." "Try." "Well, all right." "Let me think a minute." "We may not have a minute." "I think I've got it." "I hope." "Philisin, Follisin, spirits that fly Let me give it another try" "Replace this velvety carpet of green" "With artificial grass of waxen sheen" "Nothing happened." "Well, it's a little hard to tell." "For your information, this is genuine artificial grass." "Honey, that's great." "I knew you could do it." "Now, let's get out of here before" "Elvira." "Come out here and really look at it this time." "This is better than the samples they showed me." "Bend down and feel it." "Well?" "This feels like real grass?" "You won't admit it, huh?" "I'll only admit one thing." "You've been drinking too much beer." "Stubborn, that's what you are." "Stubborn." "I think we started a family feud." "Sweetheart, I have news for you." "That feud started the day they got married." "Did I ever tell you you're not only talented, but lovable." "Darrin, please, there's a robin watching us." "So what?" "Let him get his own girl." "Darrin, this is silly." "No, it isn't." "It's the least I can do to make up for yesterday." "Well, okay." "I think I'll pour the coffee while I'm waiting for the pancakes." "No, you don't." "Not in my restaurant." "I'll get it." "Darrin." "He's in a very generous mood this morning." "Sweetheart, guess who's back." "Oh, hi there." "I noticed your lawn didn't look any better than yesterday." "Don't you want me to reseed it?" "Okay, pal." "You got a deal." "Gee, thanks a lot." "I'll do a real good job." "I got this book on how to do it." "See?" "I see." "Well, I'll start right after school." "Bye." "Bye-bye." "Cute." "So are you." "That was very sweet." "Well, what's the sense of kidding?" "I'm a sweetheart sweetheart." "Now, Darrin." "Darrin, you'd better stop." "You'll be late for" "The pancakes!" "Oh, my gosh." "Are they ruined?" "I'll take a look." "How do you feel about charcoal-broiled pancakes?" "Sweetheart, why don't you sit down and let me make breakfast." "Okay, okay." "Thank you, Sam, for letting them burn." "Don't you worry, sweetheart." "I've learned my lesson." "I love you."