"that the joint?" "sir." "And who runs it?" "I already told you." "Refresh my memory." "Spats Colombo." "That's very refreshing." "Now what's the password?" "I come to Grandma's funeral." "Here's your admission card." "Charlie." "tell 'em you're one of the pall bearers." "Charlie." "We're all set." "When is the kickoff?" "it's Goodbye Charlie." "Charlie." "Give me five minutes – then hit 'em with everything you got." "You betcha!" "sir." "I'm Mr. MOZARELLA." "What can I do for you?" "I come to the old lady's funeral." "I don't believe I've seen you at any of our services before." "That's because I've been on the wagon." "Please!" "Where are they holding the wake?" "I'm supposed to be one of the pallbearers." "Show the gentleman into the chapel – pew number three." "sir." "if you gotta go–this is the way to do it." "Follow me!" "sir?" "Booze." "we only serve coffee." "Coffee?" "sour-mash coffee..." "Make is Scotch." "A demitasse." "With a little soda on the side." "Wait a minute!" "Haven't you got another pew –not so close to the band?" "How about that one over there?" "sir." "That's reserved for members of the immediate family." "Oups." "Hey – I want another cup of coffee." "I want another cup of coffee." "Better bring the check now – in case the joint gets raided." "Who's going to raid a funeral?" "Some people got no respect for the dead." "isn't it?" "I'll say." "that's good?" "Why?" "Because I lost a filling in my back tooth." "I gotta go to the dentist tomorrow." "Dentist?" "We been out of work for four months – and you want to blow your first week's pay on your teeth?" "It's just a little inlay – it doesn't even have to be gold –" "How can you be so selfish?" "We owe back rent – we're in four eighty-nine bucks to Moe's Delicatessen –" "– we're being sued by three Chinese lawyers because our check bounced at the laundry – we've borrowed money from every girl in the line –" "Joe." "I am right." "First thing tomorrow we're going to pay everybody a little something on account." "no we're not." "We don't?" " No." "First thing tomorrow we're going out to the dog track and put the whole bundle on Greased Lightning." "You're going to bet my money on a dog?" "He's a shoo-in." "I got the word from Max the waiter – his brother-in-law is the electrician who wires the rabbit –" "What are you giving me with the rabbit?" "we can pay everybody." "But suppose he loses?" "What are you worried about?" "This job is going to last a long time." "But suppose it doesn't?" "Jerry-boy – why do you have to paint everything so black?" "Suppose you get hit by a truck?" "Suppose the stock market crashes?" "Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks?" "Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn." "suppose Lake Michigan overflows." "Don't look now – but the whole town is under water!" "one... and you're all under arrest." "I want another cup of coffee." "Spats – the services are over." "Lets go." "Go where?" "A little country club we run for retired bootleggers." "I'm gonna put your name up for membership." "I don't join nothin'." "you'll like it there." "I'll have the prison tailor fit you with a pair of special spats – striped!" "Big joke." "What's the rap this time?" "Embalming people with coffee –eighty-six proof." "Me?" "I'm just a customer here." "Spats – we know you own this joint." "Mozarella is just fronting for you." "Mozarella?" "Never heard of him." "We got different information." "maybe?" "Toothpick Charlie?" "Never heard of him." "Buttermilk!" "huh?" "Come on!" "On your feet!" "You're just wasting the taxpayers' money." "if you wannit." "These are my lawyers – all Harvard men." "I want another cup of coffee." "that solves one problem." "Now we don't have to worry about who to pay first." "Quiet – I'm thinking." "the landlady is going to lock us out – Moe said no more knackwurst on credit – because they're on their way to jail – will you?" "I wonder how much Sam the Bookie will give up for our overcoats?" "Sam the Bookie?" "Nothing doing!" "You're not putting my overcoat on that dog!" "I told you – it's a sure thing." "But we'll freeze – it's below zero – we'll get pneumonia." "we'll have twenty overcoats!" "Greased Lightning!" "Why do I listen to you?" "I ought to have my head examined!" "I thought you weren't talking to me." "Look at the bull fiddle – it's dressed warmer than I am." "Anything today?" " Nothing." " Thank you." " Anything today?" " Nothing." " Thank you." "Joe." "I'm weak from hunger." "I'm running a fever. i've got a hole in my shoe." "If you gave me a chance we could be living like kings." "how?" "There's a dog running in the third - his name is Galloping Ghost yes!" "He's 15 to 1 as he is!" "What do you want from me?" "My head on a plate?" "we could at least" "Are you out of your mind?" "We are up the creek and you want to hock the paddle." "go ahead and starve!" "What do I care?" "Freeze!" "Anything today?" "you got a lot of nerve – Thank you!" "Joe – come back here!" "Nellie – if it's about last Saturday night – I can explain everything." "I bake him a great big pizza pie... – and where were you?" " Were were you?" "With you!" "With me?" " Don't you remember?" "He has this bad tooth – it got impacted – the whole jaw swole up – right over there." "So I had to take him to the hospital and give him a blood transfusion..." "Right?" " Right!" "We have the same type blood..." "Type O" "O?" " O." "I'll make it up to you." "You're making it up pretty good so far." "I'm going to take you out to the swellest restaurant in town." "Nellie?" "Has Poliakoff got anything for us?" "We're desperate." "it just so happens he is looking for a bass and a sax – Right?" "Right!" "What's the job?" " Three weeks in Florida – in Miami." "Transportation and all expenses all paid..." "Isn't she a bit of terrific?" "boys." "we'll wait." "it's three weeks in Florida – Sweet Sue and Her Society Syncopators – they need a couple of girls on sax and bass – are you there?" "and now she's in bed with a nervous collapse." "Tell her to move over." "What about Cora Jackson?" "yet." "Drexel 9044." "and what happens?" "and the bass fiddle gets herself pregnant." "I ought to fire you!" "Me?" "I'm the manager of the band – not the night watchman." "Hello?" "Let me talk to Bessie Malone – what's she doing in Philadelphia?" " on the level?" "Bessie let her hair grow and is playing with Stokowski." "Black Bottom Bessie?" " Schpielt zich mit der Philharmonic." "How about Rosemary Schultz?" "She slashed her wrists when Valentino died!" "We might as well all slash our wrists if we don't round up two dames by this evening." "you know the kind of girls we need." "We don't care where you find them – just get them on that train by eight o'clock." "Sig." "I wonder if I got room for another ulcer?" "get me long distance." "Sig – we wanna talk to you." " What is it?" "It's about the Florida job." " The Florida job?" "are we?" " What are you – a couple of comedians?" "Get out of here!" "Long distance?" "Get me the William Morris Agency in New York." "but you are not." "what's wrong with us?" " You're the wrong shape." "Goodbye." "The wrong shape?" "You looking for hunchbacks or something?" "It's not the backs that worry me." "anyway?" "You got to be under twenty-five –" "We could pass for that." "– you got to be blonde –" "We could dye our hair." "– and you got to be girls." "we couldn't!" "Mr.William Morris!" " Wait a minute - that's what he means." "Good old Nellie!" "I ought to wring her neck!" "Joe." "Why couldn't we do it?" "didn't we?" "And you remember when you booked us with that Hawaiian band?" "Grass skirts!" "What's with him – he drinks?" "either." "He's got an empty stomach and it's gone with his head." "Joe – three weeks in Florida!" "We could borrow some clothes from the girls in the chorus –" "You've flipped your wig!" "Now you're talking!" "Now he is talking!" "We'll get a couple of second-hand wigs – a little padding here and there – we'll call ourselves Josephine and Geraldine –" "Josephine and Geraldine!" " Yeah!" " Come on!" "if you boys want to pick up a little money tonight –At the University of Illinois they are having – you should excuse the expression – a St. Valentine's dance." "We'll take it!" " You got it." "It's six dollars a man." "Be on the campus in Urbana at eight o'clock –" "All the way to Urbana – for a one night stand?" "It's twelve dollars." "We can get one of the overcoats out of hock." "would you?" "A sax player and a base?" "Geraldine!" "and how are we going to get there?" "I'll think of something." " You think like what?" " Don't crowd me." "girls?" "we ought to wring your neck." "Jerry – that's no way to talk." "Nellie baby – what are you doing tonight?" "Tonight?" "Why?" "Because I got some plans –" "Not doing anything." " Really?" " I just thought I'd go home and have some cold pizza –" "Joe." " Good!" "Then you won't be needing your car." "you –" "Isn't he a bit of terrific?" "We could've had three weeks in Florida – all expenses paid." "Lying around in the sun – palm trees – frying fish... will you?" "Possible straight – possible nothing – and a pair of eights–" "you guys!" "Drop what?" "We came for a car." "Nellie Weinmeyer's car." "Musicians." " Wise guys!" "let's go." "Aces bets." "sir." "It's over here." "Come over her." "Want some gas?" "please?" "Put it on Miss Weinmeyer's bill?" "Why not?" "And while you're at it – fill 'er up." "everybody hands up!" "Face the wall!" "toothpick." "Come on!" "Come on." "Hey!" "Join us." "boss." "Charlie." "Long time no see." "Spats?" "What do you want here?" "I just dropped in to pay my respects." "I wouldn't say that." "You were nice enough to recommend my mortuary to some of your friends..." "I don't know what you're talking about." "And now I got all those coffins on my hands – and I hate to see them go to waste." "Spats." "I had nothing to do with it." "Charlie." "You would have had three eights." "Charlie!" "no –" "I think I'm gonna be sick." "All right – come on out of there." "Come on!" "Come ON!" "We didn't see anything – did we?" "we don't - don't I know you two from somewhere?" "Jerry." "Wait a minute." "Where do you think you're going?" "so don't ..." "You ain't going nowhere." "We're not?" " I don't like no witnesses." "We won't breathe a word." "You won't breathe nothing' – not even air." "let's blow out of here." "We'll take care of those guys later." "I think they got me." " They got the bull-fiddle." "there'll be blood all over." "Type O." "Joe?" " As far away as possible." "That's not far enough." "You don't know those guys!" "But they know us." "Every hood in Chicago will be looking for us –" "give me a nickel." "What?" " A nickel." "You going to call the police?" " The police?" "We'd never live to testify." "Not against Spats Colombo." "Wabash 1098." "We got to get out of town." "Maybe we ought to grow beards." "We are going out of town." "But we're going to shave." "and you want to shave?" "stupid." " Shave our legs?" "Hello?" "Mr. Poliakoff?" "I understand you're looking for a couple of girl musicians." "Jacksonville and Miami." "All aboard." "All aboard." "What's the matter now?" " How can they walk on these things?" "How do they keep their balance?" "come on." "And it's so drafty." "They must be catching colds all the time." "Will you quit stalling." "We're gonna miss the train." "I feel so naked." "Like everybody's looking at me." "come on." "Joe" "The name is Josephine." "And it was your idea in the first place." "Look at that – look how she moves – it's like jello on springs." "They must have some sort of a built-in motor or something." "I tell you it's a whole different sex." "we'll blow this set-up." "this time I'm not going to let you talk me into something that..." "Extra!" "Extra!" "Seven Slaughtered in North Side Garage!" "Fear Blood Aftermath!" "Josephine." "Geraldine." "Olga?" "BIENSTOCK:" "Clarinet – drums – trombone –trumpet" "here we are." "You two from the Poliakoff Agency?" "we're the new girls." "Brand new." "Mr. Bienstock." " How do you do?" " I'm Sweet Sue." "My name is Josephine." "And I'm Daphne." "bass." "Am I glad to see you girls." "You saved our lives." "I'm sure." "Where did you girls play before?" "and..." "We spent three years at the Sheboygan Conservatory of Music." "All aboard!" " You're in Berths 7 and 7A." "7 and 7A." " Thanks ever so." " You're welcome." "It's fully mutual." "Upsy-daisy." "Fresh!" "Looks like Poliakoff came through with a couple of real ladies." "You better tell the other girls to watch their language." "DAPHNE?" "I never did like the name Geraldine." "Hi!" "I'm the bass fiddle." "Just call me Daphne." " Hi!" "My name's Josephine." "Sax." " Hi!" "Welcome to No Man's Land." "You'll be sor-ry!" "Take your corsets off and spread out." "I never wear one myself." "Don't you bulge?" "she's so inexpensive – all right." "have you heard the one about the girl tuba player that was stranded on a desert island with a one-legged jockey?" "none of that rough talk." "They went to a conservatory." "They went to a conservatory." "How about that talent?" "This is like falling into a tub of butter." "Daphne!" "with all kinds of goodies around." "There were jelly rolls and mocha eclairs and sponge cake and Boston cream pie and cherry tarts – no butter and no pastry." "We're on a diet!" "Joe." "Not there!" "That's the emergency brake." "Now you've done it!" "Now you have done it!" "Done what?" "Tore off one of my chests." "you better come help me." "Daphne." "Now you tore the other one." "We're terribly sorry." "will you?" "Tell what?" "they'll boot me out of the band." "You the replacement for the bass and the sax?" "and this is Josephine." "I'm Sugar Cane." " Hi." "I changed it." "It used to be Sugar Kowalczyk." "Polish?" "Yes." "I come from this musical family." "My mother is a piano teacher and my father was a conductor." "Where did he conduct?" "On the Baltimore and Ohio." "I play the ukulele." "And I sing too." "too." "either." "I'm only with 'em because I'm running away." "Running away?" "From what?" "you want some?" "It's bourbon." "I'll take a rain check." "only I don't want to." "Especially when I'm blue." "We understand." "but I'm the one that gets caught." "That's the story of my life." "I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop." "Are my seams straight?" "I'll say." "girls." "Sugar." "We had been playing with the wrong bands." "Daphne!" "How about the shape of that liquor cabinet?" "and the mob in Chicago... would I like to borrow a cup of that Sugar." "and no Sugar!" "You tore them again!" "playing square dances?" "No – funerals." "Would you mind rejoining the living?" "Goose it up a little." "We'll try." "How did those holes get there?" "Those." "I don't know .Mice?" "lets take it from the top." "And put a little heat under it." "LOST CONTROL" "MIGHTY BOLD" "TOO" "NEVER BLUE" "DON'T KNOW WHERE" "ALWAYS SHOWIN' I DON'T CARE" "DON'T LOVE NOBODY" "IT'S NOT WORTHWHILE" "ALL ALONE" "RUNNIN' WILD" "BIENSTOCK!" "Sue?" "What is it?" "I thought I made it perfectly clear I don't want any drinking in this outfit." "girls." "Whose is this for?" "now." "Speak up." "I warned you!" "Mr. Bienstock..." "This is the last straw." "In Kansas City you were smuggling liquor in a shampoo bottle." "Before that I caught you with a pint in your ukulele – please?" "and the next station we come to – your flask?" "Uh-huh." "Just a little bourbon." "Must have slipped through." "Give me that!" "Didn't you girls say you went to a conservatory?" "Yes." "For a whole year." "I thought you said three years." "We got time off for good behavior." "and the other one is men." "Men?" "you don't have to worry about that." "hairy beasts with eight hands." "They all want just one thing from a girl." "miss." "girls – from the top again." "I'll loan it to you." "good night." "Daphne." "sweet dreams and pleasant though." "Daphne." "Daphne." "you hear?" "Emely." "Toodle-oo" "How about that toodle-oo?" "boy." "Just keep telling yourself you're a girl." "I'm a girl." " You're a girl" " I'm a girl." "I'm a girl –" "Get a load of that rhythm section." "I'm a girl." "I'm a girl." "I'm a girl." "Sugar." "honey." "Honey – she called me honey." "What are you doing?" "I just want to make sure that honey stays in the hive." "There'll be no buzzing around tonight." "But suppose I got to go – like for a drink of water or something?" "Fight it." "But suppose I lose?" "Suppose it's an emergency?" "Pull the emergency brake!" "there's something funny about those two new girls." "Funny?" "In what way?" "I don't know – but I can feel it right here." "That's one good thing about ulcers – it's like a burglar alarm going off inside of you." "Sue." "You watch your ulcers – I'll watch those two." "girls." "Daphne." "Josephine." "I'm a girl – I'm a girl – I wish I were dead –I'm a girl – I'm a girl –" "Daphne..." "Daphne..." "Sugar!" "I wanted to thank you for covering for me." "You're a real pal." "It's nothing." "I just think us girls should stick together." "sitting on my ukulele." "when I think about you and your poor ukulele." "If there's anything I can do for you –" "I can think of a million things." "And that's one of them." "Sssh." "Sweet Sue." "I don't want her to know we're in cahoots." "not even Josephine." "I'd better stay here till she goes back to sleep." "You stay as long as you'd like." "am I?" "No." "It's nice and cozy." "and were trying to find out way out." "Interesting." "Anything wrong?" "no." "you're trembling all over." "That's ridiculous." "Your head is hot." "Ridiculous" "And you've got cold feet." "Isn't that ridiculous?" "let me warm them a little." "There – isn't that better?" "I'm a girl –" "What did you say?" "I'm a very sick girl." "Maybe I'd better go before I catch something." "I'm not that sick." "I have a very low resistance." "the best thing is a shot of whiskey." "You got some?" "I know where to get it." "Don't move." "Hold on." "Okey" "Up!" "Up!" "Now." "Are you all right?" "I'm fine." "How's the bottle?" "Half-full." "You better get some cups." "Cups." "this is the only way to travel." "You better put on the lights." "I can't see what I'm doing." "No – no lights." "We don't want anyone to know we're having a party." "But I may spill something." "this may even turn out to be a surprise party." "What's the surprise?" "Uh-uh." "Not yet." "When?" "We better have a drink first." "That'll put hair on your chest." "No fair guessing." "go away." "you still got that bottle of vermouth?" "Sure." "Who needs vermouth?" "we can make Manhattans." "Okay." "Manhattans?" "At this time of night?" "And bring the cocktail shaker." "Sugar." "You're gonna spoil my surprise." "what's up?" "you get a corkscrew." " OK!" "but Stella has." "... for corkscrew and paper cups." " OK." "there's a party in upper 7!" " A party in upper 7!" "A party!" "TWO!" "stop this?" "Could you use some Southen comfort?" " The Southern comfort?" "Sh-sh-sh!" "you're gonna wake up the neighbours downstairs!" "Now JOSEPHINE WILL ..." "Watch that cockscrew!" "Here's a cracker!" " No crackers in bed!" "go away and form your own party?" "Here's the cocktail shaker." "I wish we had some ice." "easy on the vermouth." "it's bad luck!" "Twelve of you will have to get out!" " Pass the peanut butter." "Anybody for salami?" "No more food!" "I'll have ants in the morning!" "have you got any maraschino cherries on you?" "Oh!" "Never mind." "Maraschino cherries?" "where are you?" "It's not my fault." "I didn't invite them." "everybody out." "Everybody out!" "Sugar." " I'm just going to get some ice." "Sugar." "Now the rest of you." "Out!" "don't be a flat tire." " Have a Manhattan." "Ssh." "Pipe down." "We'll all be fired." "will you?" "It's 2 o'clock." "The party's over." "Everybody go home." "over here." "Before it melts." "Put it here." "you're gonna get yourself into a lot of trouble." "Better keep a lookout." "anyway?" "I guess." "maybe." "I wouldn't be on this crummy train with this crummy girls' band." "Then why did you take this job?" "I used to sing with male bands." "But I can't afford it any more." "Have you ever been with a male band?" "Who?" "Me?" "brother!" "Rough?" "I'll say." "You can't trust those guys." "I can't trust myself." "I have this thing about saxophone players." "Especially tenor sax." "and I come to them." "That so?" " Every time!" "I play tenor sax." "thank goodness." "That's why I joined this band." "Safety first." "Anything to get away from those bums. and the next thing you know they're borrowing money from you and spending it on other dames and betting on the horses –" "You don't say?" "all squeezed out." "and it's the same thing all over again." "You see what I mean?" " not very bright." "Brains aren't everything." "it's not going to happen to me again." "Ever." "I'm tired of getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop." "Ice!" "What's keeping the ice?" "The natives are getting restless." "How about a couple of drinks for us?" " Sure!" "You know I'm going to be twenty-five in June?" " You are?" "That's a quarter of a century." "Makes a girl think." "About what?" "like a husband?" "That's why I'm glad we're going to Florida." "What's in Florida?" "Millionaires." "Flocks of them." "They all go south for the winter." "Like birds." "you're gonna catch yourself a rich bird?" "as long as he has a yacht and his own private railroad car and his own toothpaste." "You're entitled." "Josephine." "and shoulders like Johnny Weismuller." "I want mine to wear glasses." "Glasses?" "Men who wear glasses are so much more gentle and sweet and helpless." "Haven't you ever noticed it?" "now that you've mentioned it those long tiny columns in the Wall Street Journal." "That bass fiddle!" "She sure does know how to throw a party!" "Hot diggity dog!" "happy days." "I hope this time you wind up with the sweet end of the lollipop." "– so the one-legged jockey said –" "What did he say?" "baby." "I ride side-saddle.' s-s-s-sh." "I think I make a ... let's rub some ice on her neck!" "girls." "Stop it." "Joe – Josephine – help!" "What's happened?" " Search me." "I mean – I'll see." "All right!" "What's going on around here?" "BIENSTOCK!" "Are we in Florida?" "DOWN AMONG THE SHELTERING PALMS" "WAIT FOR ME" "DON'T BE FORGETTIN' WE GOT A DATE" "OUT WHERE THE SUN GOES DOWN ABOUT EIGHT" "BURNING" "YEARNING" "TO BE DOWN AMONG THE SHELTERING PALMS" "WAIT FOR ME" "I'll carry the instruments." "Daphne." "Isn't she a sweetheart?" "How do you do?" "Zowie!" "there they are - more millionaires than you can shake a stick at." "I'll bet there isn't one of them under seventy-five." "Seventy-five." "That's three-quarters of a century." "Makes a girl think." "I hope they brought their grandsons along." "let's." "miss." "May I?" " Help yourself." "I am Osgood Fielding the Third." "I am Cinderella the Second." "it's a girl with a shapely ankle." "Me too." "Bye-bye." "thank you." "Aren't you a sweetheart?" "It certainly is delightful having some young blood around here." "I'm Type O." "I've always been fascinated by show business." "It's cost my family quite a bit of money." "you invest in shows?" "Showgirls." "I've been married seven or eight times." "You're not sure?" "she's getting rather annoyed with me." "Wouldn't wonder." "she packed me off toFlorida." "Right now she thinks I'mout there on my yacht – deep-sea fishing." "Mr. Fielding." "You're barking up the wrong fish." "how about dinner tonight?" "I'm sorry." "I'll be on the bandstand." "which of these instruments do you play?" "Bull fiddle." "Fascinating." "Do you use a bow or do you just pluck it?" "Most of the time I slap it." "You must be quite a girl." "Wanna bet?" "sort of a contortionist." "She could smoke a cigarette while holding it between her toes." "Zowie!" "But Mama broke it up." "Why?" "She doesn't approve of girls who smoke." "Mr. Fielding." "Bye-bye?" " This is where I get off." "no." "You don't get off that easy." "driver." "Once around the park." "Slowly." "And keep your eyes on the road." "Mr. Fielding?" "Please." "It won't happen again." " I'll say!" "thank you!" "Zowie!" "girls – here are your room assignments." "My glasses – where are my glasses?" "Josephine and Daphne in 413 – Dolores and Sugar in 414..." "Me and Sugar?" "What did you expect - the one-legged jockey?" "Rosella and Emily Room 415" "I wish they'd put us in the same room." "we'll see a lot of each other." "414!" "That's the same room number I had in Cincinnati – my last time around with a male band." "What a heel he was." "Saxophone player?" "What else?" "And was I ever crazy about him." "so he threw it right in my face." "a young one." "What makes you so sure?" "My feminine intuition." "Are these your bags?" "too." "doll." "I suppose you want a tip?" "it's nice to have you with the organization." "Bye-bye." "what time do you get off tonight?" "Why?" "and as soon as there's a lull... sonny?" "Wanna see my driver's license?" "will you?" "That's the way I like 'em – big and sassy." "And get rid of your roommate." "that dirty old man!" "What happened?" " I just got pinched in the elevator." "now you know how the other half lives." "Look!" "I'm not even pretty." "just as long as you wear skirts." "It's like waving a red flat in front of a bull." "lets get out of here and let's blow." "Blow where?" "we were going to beat it." "How can we?" "We're broke." "We could find another band." "A male band." "Right now Spats Colombo with his chums are looking for us in every male band in the country." "But this is so humiliating." " So you got pinched in the elevator." "So what?" "Would you rather be picking lead out of your navel?" "all right!" "But how long do you think we can we keep this up?" "the flying fish... you're after Sugar." "Me?" "After Sugar?" "and whispering and giggling and borrowing each other's lipstick..." "I saw you!" " What are you talking about?" "Me and Sugar?" " You and Sugar!" " We're just like sisters." "and I'm going to keep an eye on you." "Are you decent?" "Come in." "You girls have seen a brown bag with a white stripe and my initials?" "A what?" "with all my resort clothes." "we haven't." "then one of my suitcases." "Where's my ukulele?" "... now a ukulele?" "There must be a sneak thief around here." "Sugar." "A bunch of us girls are going for a swim." "You want to come along?" "you betcha." "Daphne." "You haven't got a bathing suit." "She doesn't need one." "I don't have one either." "That's it!" "She doesn't have one either." "You don't?" "Josephine?" "I'd stay in and soak in a hot tub." "On a day like this it's lovelier!" "let her soak." "Come on." "Daphne." "I've got suntan lotion." "bye-bye." "BY THE SEA" "BY THE BEAUTIFUL SEA" "YOU AND ME" "HOW HAPPY WE'LL BE" "BESIDE THE SEA" "BY THE BEAUTIFUL SEA "" "Daphne!" "Cut that out!" "What do you think you're doing?" "Just a little trick I picked up in the elevator." "Oooh." "Look out!" "Here comes a big one." "I had no idea you're such a big girl." "you should have seen me before I went on a diet." "and your arms... that's from carrying around the bull fiddle around all day." "But there's one thing I envy you for." "What's that?" "You're so flat-chested." "Clothes hang so much better on you than they do on me." "Daphne!" "let's play ball." "OK." "Junior." "Time for your nap." "Nah." "I wanna play." "Junior." "Scram." "This beach ain't big enough for both of us." "Get out of here." "Mummy!" "Mummy!" "I LIKE TEA." "HOW MANY BOYS ARE STUCK ON ME?" "1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7..." "I'm terribly sorry." "are you?" "I don't think so." "I wish you'd make sure." "Why?" "and sue me for three quarters of a million dollars." "no matter who you are." "Thank you." "Who are you?" "really ..." "Sugar!" "Come on!" "Honestly." "Cheerio." "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" "Not very likely." "You're staying at the hotel?" "Not at all." "Your face is familiar." "Vanity Fair..." "That must be it." "please?" "You're blocking my view." "Your view?" "Of what?" "They run up a red-and-white flag on the yacht when it's time for cocktail." "You own a yacht?" "the big one?" "I don't think anybody should have a yacht that sleeps more than twelve." "your wife?" "my flag steward." "your wife?" "my cocktail steward." "if you're interested in whether I'm married or not ..." "I'm not interested at all." "I'm not." "That's very interesting." "How's the stock market?" "up." "you made like a hundred thousand dollars." "Could be." "Are you play the market?" "too." "For your own amusement?" "are appearing at the hotel." "Sweet Sue and Her Society Syncopators." "you're society girls?" "we're just doing this for a lark." "does that mean you play that fast music. jazz?" "Yeah." "Real hot." "I prefer classical music." "I spent three years at the Sheboygan Conservatory of Music." "Good school!" "And your family doesn't object to your career?" "coming-out parties  Inauguration balls   opening of the Opera ... – ... riding to hounds  and always the same Four Hundred." "it's amazing we never ran into each other before." "I'm sure I would have remembered anybody as attractive as you are." "and helpless..." "I beg your pardon?" "I have this theory about men with glasses." "What theory?" "I'll tell you when I get to know you better." "What are you doing tonight?" "Tonight?" "I thought maybe you could come to the hotel and hear us play." "but it may be rather difficult." "Why?" "when the tide goes out." "Oh?" "It's on the account of the shells." "That's my hobby." "You collect shells?" "you might say we've all had this passion for shells." "Tthat's why we named the oil company after it." "Shell Oil?" "no names." "Just call me Junior." "it's time to change for dinner." "I'll catch up with you later." "OK." "No!" "young lady?" "What are you staring at?" "This happens to me all the time in public." "his picture was in Vanity Fair." "Vanity Fair?" "please?" "you're in the way." "He's waiting for a signal from his yacht." "His yacht?" "It sleeps twelve." "This is my friend Daphne." "She's a Vassar girl." "I'm a what?" "Or was it Bryn Mawr?" "and they found her strangled with her own brassiere." "we have to be very careful whom we pick for a roommate." "I think I'd better be going." "It's been delightful meeting you both." "you will come to hear us play?" "If it's at all possible." "do come." "Don't disappoint us." "It'll be such fun." "And bring your yacht." "Daphne." "How about that guy?" "I saw him first." "I'd watch my step." "I would never have met him." "I can't wait to tell Josephine." "Josephine." "she'll be surprised." "right now." "We don't have to run." "we do!" "YOO-HOO!" "I guess she's not in here." "I can't imagine where she can be." "I'll come back later." "you wait." "I have a feeling she'll show up any minute." "Josephine predicted the whole thing." "Yeah." "This is one for Ripley." "Do you suppose she went out shopping?" "Shopping!" "That's it!" "Something tells me she's going to come through that door in a brand new outfit." "RUNNING WILD" "LOST CONTROL" "RUNNING WILD" "MIGHTY BOLD" "TA TA TA DEE DEE DEE" "CAREFREE MIND ALL THE TIME ..." "JOSEPHINE!" "I didn't hear you come in." "DON'T KNOW WHERE" "ALWAYS SHOWING I DON'T CARE... girls?" "Josephine!" "The most wonderful thing happened!" "What?" "Guess." "They repealed Prohibition?" "you can do better than that." "I met one of them." "One of whom?" "and he's got a yacht." "You don't say!" "he's got a bicycle." "Daphne." "tell me all about him." "not one of these grabbers." "if you don't want to lose him." "collects shells." "Shells?" "Whatever for?" "the old shell game." "you're bothering us." "you're going to meet him tonight." "I am?" "maybe." "maybe?" "I saw the way he looked at you." "He'll be there for sure." "I hope so." "Josephine?" "What does it say in your crystal ball?" "Sugar!" "Is Sugar in here?" " Yes." "you got the key?" "I'm locked out and I'm making a puddle in the hall." "girls." "What are you trying to do to that poor girl?" "Putting on that millionaire act." "And where did you get that phony accent." "Nobody talks like that!" "lowest and meanest..." "I'm not afraid of you" "I'm a tiger!" "when I didn't mean any harm." "I'm gonna press the suit myself." "Telephone!" "Answer the tele...phone." "this is 413." "I'll take it." "you slapped my face?" "Who is this?" "This is her roommate." "Daphne can't talk right now." "Is it anything urgent?" "it is to me." "Will you give her a message?" "Tell her I'd like her to have a little supper with me on my yacht after the show tonight." "I'll tell her." "Your yacht?" "The New Caledonia." "That's the name of it." "The Old Caledonia went down during a wild party off Cape Hatteras." "just the two of us." "Just the two of you?" "What about the crew?" "that's all taken care of." "I'm giving them shore leave." "and tell her I got a new batch of Rudy Vallee records." "That's good thinking." "Daphne's a push-over for him." "Push-over for whom?" "What is it?" "Who's on the phone? zowie!" "I'll give her the message." "What message?" "What motorboat?" "kid." "Fielding wants you to have a little cold pheasant with him on his yacht." "he does!" "you and him and Rudy Vallee." "fat chance!" "Call him right back and tell him I'm not going." "you're not." "I'm going." "You're going to be on the boat with that dirty old man?" "No." "I'm going to be on that boat with Sugar." "And where's he going to be?" "He's going to be ashore with you." "With ME?" "That's right." "Josephine!" "I WANT TO BE LOVED BY YOU" "NOBODY ELSE BUT YOU" "I WANT TO BE LOVED BY YOU" "BOOP-BOOP-EE-DOO" "I WANT TO BE KISSED BY YOU" "NOBODY ELSE BUT YOU" "I WANT TO BE KISSED BY YOU" "ALONE" "I COULDN'T ASPIRE" "TO ANYTHING HIGHER" "THAN TO FILL THE DESIRE" "TO MAKE YOU MY OWN" "BA-DOO-DA-LEE-DUM " POO!" "I WANT TO BE LOVED BY YOU" "NOBODY ELSE BUT YOU" "I WANT TO BE LOVED BY YOU" "ALONE" "your boy friend is waving at you." "You can both go take a flying jump." "he's your date for tonight." "So smile." "the whole personality." "Why do I let you talk me into these things?" "Why?" "the two musketeers." "Don't give me the musketeers!" "How'm I going to keep the guy ashore?" "Tell him you get seasick on a yacht." "Play miniature golf with him." "no." "I'm not getting caught in a miniature sand trap with that guy." "Hi!" "Which of you dolls is Daphne?" "Bull fiddle." "It's from Satchel Mouth at Table Seven." "doll." "Buster." "I got a passkey." "I COULDN'T ASPIRE" "What are you doing with my flowers?" "Just borrowing them." "You'll get them back tomorrow." "BA-DOO-DA-LEE-DUM " POO!" "I WANT TO BE LOVED BY YOU" "NOBODY ELSE BUT YOU" "I WANT TO BE LOVED BY YOU" "BA-DEEDLIE-DEEDLIE DEEDLIE-DUM BOOP-BOOP-EE-DOOP" "you suppose he forgot?" "you know how those millionaires are." "These came for you." "For me?" "It's Shell Oil." "No!" " Yes!" "he's going to pick me up at the pier." "No!" " Yes!" "yes." "on a millionaire's yacht." "If my mother could only see me now." "I hope my mother never finds out." "and I intend to keep it that way!" "Good luck." " Thanks." "an empty yacht." "I'll throw up!" "we could..." "I'll be!" "He does have a bicycle." "Who? and tango till dawn?" "Mr. Fielding?" "What?" "You're dynamite!" "You're a pretty hot little firecracker yourself." "Ahoy there!" "Ahoy!" "Been waiting long?" "it's who you're waiting for." "Thank you." "And thank you for the flowers." "I wanted them to fly down some orchids from my greenhouse but unfortunately all of Long Island is fogged in." "It's the thought that counts." "I seem to be out of gas." "Shell Oil and everything." "Uh... it seems to be stuck in reverse." "Uh..." "I just got this motorboat." "It's an experimental model." "It seems like they're on the wrong track." "You mind riding backwards?" "It may take a little longer." "It's not how long it takes." "It's who's taking you." "Yes." "it's more like" "It's just regulation size." "We have three like this." "Three?" "the company is laying a new pipe line." "My dad is more interested in railroads." "Baltimore and Ohio." "Which is the port and which is the starboard?" "... would you like a glass of champagne?" "Love it." "Which way?" "Oh!" "You have an upstairs and a downstairs!" "Yes." "That's the hurricane cellar." "Another nice thing about this yacht - lots of closet space!" "where do you suppose the steward set it up?" "In here." "they always serve me in the small salon." "like a floating mansion." "It's all right for a bachelor." "What a beautiful fish!" "I caught him off cape Hatteras." "What is it?" "It's a member of the herring family." "A herring?" "Isn't it amazing how they get those big fish into those little glass jars?" "They shrink when they're marinated." "Champagne?" "I don't mind if I do." "as we say at sea." "Bon voyage." "Look at all that silverware!" "water polo." "Water polo?" "Isn't that terribly dangerous?" "I'll say." "I had two ponies drowned under me." "Where's your shell collection?" "on Thursdays I'm sort of lost around here." "What's on Thursdays?" "It's the crew's night off." "we're alone on the boat?" "Completely." "in the middle of the ocean." "and the Coast Guard promised to call me if there are any icebergs around." "It's not the icebergs." "But there are certain men who would try to take advantage of a situation like this." "You're flattering me." "I'm sure you're a gentleman." "harmless." "how?" "but I have this thing about girls." "What thing?" "They just sort of leave me cold." "like frigid?" "it does nothing to me." "Have you tried?" "Have I?" "I'm trying all the time." "See?" "Nothing." "Nothing at all?" "Complete washout." "That makes me feel just awful." "it's not your fault." "It's just that every now and then Mother Nature throws somebody a dirty curve." "Something goes wrong inside." "You mean you can't fall in love?" "but I'd rather not talk about it." "Would you like a little cold pheasant?" "What happened?" "I don't want to bore you." "you couldn't possibly." "... too." "... she took a step toward me ... no!" "Yes." "Type O. But it was too late." "Talk about sad." "no feelings." "Like my heart was shot full of Novocain." "poor boy." "and what good is it?" "Mint sauce or cranberries?" "How can you think about food at a time like this?" "What else is there for me?" "Is it that hopeless?" "... what a waste of money!" "Have you ever tried American girls?" "Why?" "Was that anything?" "Thanks just the same." "a good doctor." "flat on my back." "I'd kill myself." "Don't say that!" "There must be some girl someplace that could..." "I'd marry her like that." "Would you do me a favor?" "what is it?" "but could I take another crack at it?" "if you insist." "Anything this time?" "I'm afraid not." "Terribly sorry." "Would you like some more champagne?" "how do you dim these lights?" "that's the radio." "It's like taking somebody to a concert when he's tone deaf." "You're not giving yourself a chance." "Don't fight it." "Relax." "Like smoking without inhaling." "So inhale!" "Daphne..." "Huh?" "You're leading again." "Sorry." "Well?" "I'm not quite sure." "Would you try it again?" "like somebody was barbecuing them over a slow flame." "Lets throw another log on the fire." "I think you're on the right track." "because your glasses are beginning to steam up." "I never knew it could be like this." "Thank you." "and now you're making a chump out of all those experts." "now really!" "Where did you learn to kiss like that?" "I used to sell kisses for the Milk Fund." "remind me to send a check for a hundred thousand dollars to the Milk Fund." "Good night." "Good morning." "How much do I owe the Milk Fund so far?" "Eight hundred and fifty thousand dollars." "Let's make it an even million." "I forgot to give you your receipt." "Jerry." "Everything under control?" "Have I got things to tell you!" "What happened?" "I'm engaged." "Congratulations." "Who's the lucky girl?" "I am." "What?" "Osgood proposed to me." "We're planning a June wedding." "What are you talking about?" "You can't marry Osgood." "You think he's too old for me?" "Jerry!" "You can't be serious!" "Why not?" "He keeps marrying girls all the time!" "But you're not a girl." "You're a guy!" "And why would a guy want to marry a guy?" "Security." "you'd better lie down." "You're not well." "stop treating me like a child." "I'm not stupid." "I know there's a problem." "I'll say there is!" "because I don't smoke." "there's another problem." "Like what are you going to do on your honeymoon?" "but I kinda lean toward Niagara Falls." "you're out of your mind!" "How can you get away with this?" "Joe." "I'll tell him the truth when the time comes." "Like when?" "Like right after the ceremony." "I'll have those alimony checks coming in every month." "it's just not being done!" "this may be my last chance to marry a millionaire!" "will you?" "Just keep telling yourself you're a boy!" "You're a boy." "I'm a boy." "That's the boy." "I wish I were dead." "I'm a boy." "what am I going to do about my engagement present?" "What engagement present?" "Osgood gave me a bracelet." "these are real diamonds." "they are real!" "What you think my fiance is a bum?" "I guess I'll have to give it back to him." "do we." "Just a minute." "Sugar." "Come in." "and I just had to talk to somebody." "I don't feel like going to sleep." "a slug of bourbon." "for good." "Did you have a nice time?" "Nice?" "It was suicidally beautiful." "Did he get fresh?" "it was just the other way around." "You see he needs help." "What for?" "mint sauce and cranberries." "I wish I'd been there." "as soon as he gets up his nerve." "That's some nerve!" "Daphne got a proposal tonight." "Really?" "From a RICH millionaire." "That's wonderful." "Poor Josephine." "Me?" "if we could only find somebody for you." "doll!" "Hey!" "that's us!" "Register over there." "South Side chapter." "Thanks." "Spats." "We was laying eight to one you wouldn't show." "Why wouldn't I?" "We thought you was all broken up about Toothpick Charlie." "we all got to go sometime." "Yeah." "You never know who's going to be next." "Spats." "Report to the Sergeant-at-Arms." "What for?" "Orders from Little Bonaparte." "get your hands up." "What's the idea?" "Little Bonaparte don't want no hardware around." "you're clean." "You're not." "It ain't loaded." "Next." "What's in here?" "number three iron." "What's this?" " My mashie." "Spats." "Where did you pick up that cheap trick?" "boys." "Spats Columbo if I ever saw one." "copper." "What brings you down to Florida?" "so I thought I better be around in case anybody decides to sing." "Big joke." "where were you at three o'clock on St. Valentine's Day?" "Me?" "I was at Rigoletto." "What's his first name?" "And where does he live?" "you ignoramus." "in a garage on Clark Street?" "Clark Street?" "Never heard of it." "Ever hear of the deluxe French Cleaners on Wabash Avenue?" "Why?" "they had blood on them." "I cut myself shaving." "You shave with your spats on?" "I sleep with my spats on." "and we know it." "You and who else?" "Me and those two witnesses whom your lawyers have been looking for all over Chicago." "or any witnesses?" "Us?" "We was with you at Rigoletto's." "Honest." "Spats." "One of these days we're gonna dig up those two guys." "dig 'em up!" "I feel like such a tramp." "... taking jewelry from a man under false pretenses." "don't you?" "It's just going to break his heart when he finds out I can't marry him." "So?" "It's going to break Sugar's heart when she finds out I'm not a millionaire." "That's life." "You can't make an omelette without breaking an egg." "What are you giving me with the omelette?" "we're really cooking." "Joe." "What?" "Something tells me the omelette is about to hit the fan." "Daphne." "Going up." " Hold it." "please." "but ain't I had the pleasure of meeting you two broads before?" "no!" " You must be thinking of two other broads." "You ever been in Chicago?" "Us?" "We wouldn't be caught dead in Chicago." "Third floor." "sweetie.?" "Never you mind." "we'll be in touch." "we'll call you." "they're on to us." "They're going to line us up against the wall and..." "I'm just going to die of shame." "Shut up and keep packing." "Joe." "you idiot." "But they're from Osgood." "He wanted me to wear them tonight." "I'll never find another man who's so good to me." "you know what we're going to do?" "and grab a boat to South America and hide out in one of those banana republics... if we get out of the hotel alive." "Did we forget anything?" "and there's also Sugar." "Sugar?" "Get me Room 414." "what are you doing?" "Making a telephone call." "Telephone call?" "Who's got time for telephone call?" "We can't just walk out on her without saying goodbye." "Since when?" "You usually leave 'em with nothing but a kick in the teeth." "That's when I was a saxophone player." "Now I'm a millionaire." "mail her a postcard." "Those gorillas may be up here any minute!" "Room 414?" "This is the ship-to-shore operator." "from the yacht." "Hello." "my dearest darling." "So good to hear your voice again." "I may throw up." "I never closed an eye." "... and I wiped the steam off your glasses..." "I wanted to swim right back to you." "Yes." "Now about our date for tonight... right after the show." "I'm afraid not." "I can't make it tonight." "I'm sailing right away." "Where to?" "South America?" "Oh." "That is unexpected." "the board of directors decided on a merger." "A merger?" "How long will you be gone?" "I'm not coming back at all." "You're not?" "and ... that kind of a merger." "What is she like?" "that's the way the oil gushes." "all those little people who invest their life savings." "I think I do." "I knew you would." "I only wish there were something ..." "I could do for you." "first thing tomorrow I'm going to call my broker and have him buy fifty thousand shares of Venezuelan oil." "Smart move." "... and they flew them down this morning." "... they should have been delivered by now... will you see if there are any flowers outside?" "I haven't had white orchids since I was a debutante." "What's this?" "that. just a little going away present." "Real diamonds." "They must be worth their weight in gold." "Are you always this generous?" "Not always." "But I want you to know I'm very grateful for what you did for me." "I didn't do anything." "It just happened." "we're ready to cast off." "we'll be through here in a couple of weeks." "my darling." "but the navigator is getting his tail out of here." "lets shove off." "my bracelet." "What happened to my bracelet?" "your bracelet?" "It's our bracelet." "All right." "What happened to our bracelet?" "Don't worry." "We did the right thing with it." "you're not pulling one of your old tricks." "nothing up my sleeve." "It's on the level this time." "You..." "Where's that bourbon?" "Sugar?" "I'm thirsty." "How did you get that bracelet?" "You like it?" "I always did." "that's what he call high finance." "I would take that bracelet and throw it right back in his face." "Daphne." "and the only one who ever gave me anything." "Sugar." "there'll always be a Shell station on the corner." "I'll bring this back when it's empty." "and you're making like Diamond Jim Brady!" "How are we going to get out of here?" "How are we going to eat?" "we'll starve." "There you go with that WE again." "Not that way." "We don't want to run into Spats and his chums." "Your hands clean?" "Okay." "Button my spats." "boss." "and the word is that Little Bonaparte is real sore about what happened to Toothpick Charlie." "they used to be choir boys together." "or I'll burst out crying." "and had it gold-plated." "Little Bonaparte is getting soft." "He doesn't have it here any more." "Used to be like a rock." "That's too bad." "I think it's about time for him to retire." "Second the motion." "How are we going to retire him?" "Little Bonaparte and Toothpick Charlie will be singing in the same choir again." "we'll make sure there are no witnesses." "it's the two broads from the elevator." "join us!" "What's the matter with those dames?" "Maybe those dames ain't dames!" "same instruments." "...and here's your Valentine's card." "Two musicians from the garage!" "so we'll finish the job here." "Come on." "All right." "So what do we do now?" "First thing we gonna do is to get out of these clothes." "Yoo-hoo!" "What happened?" "but we lost 'em in the shuffle." "Where were you guys?" "We was with you at Rigoletto's." "you stupid idiots... we'll get 'em after the banquet." "They can't be too far away." "Thank you." "fellow opera-lovers." "... you made the right choice." "only we ain't paid no taxes." "we had our little misunderstandings." "Let us now rise and observe one minute of silence in memory of seven members from Chicago northside chapter who are unable to be here on account of being rubbed out." "Spats." "Up!" "Easy now." "You know when you come out?" "For he's a jolly good fellow Which nobody can deny"." "OK." "I promised to bring back a piece to my kids." "there comes a time in the life of every business executive when he starts to think about retirement." "No!" "NO!" "NO!" "I've been considering several candidates." "South Side Chapter." "Now some people say he's gotten a little too big for his spats  but I say he's a man who'll go far." "Some people say he's gone too far but I say you can't keep a good man down." "that wasn't very good for public relations." "that sure was careless." "I almost caught up with them today." "You mean you let them get away twice?" "Some people would say that was real sloppy... to forgive divine." "so we baked you a little cake." "My birthday?" "It ain't for another four months." "now all together..." "For he's a jolly good fellow...." "Big joke." "Let's get out of here." "Get those two guys!" "What happened here?" "There was something in that cake that didn't agree with them." "My compliments to the chef." "And nobody leaves this room till I get the recipe!" "You want to make a Federal case out of it?" "Yeah!" "They slipped right through our hands." "they can't get away." "Did you hear that?" "but they're not watching yachts." "you're going to call Osgood." "What'll I tell him?" "Tell him you're going to elope with him." "conventions." "all right." "There's also the ladies' morgue." "I'm through with love." "I'll never fall again" "Said adieu to love." "Don't ever call again" "For I must have you or no one" "And so I'm through with love" "I've locked my heart." "I'll keep my feelings there" "I've stocked my heart with icy frigid air" "And I mean to care for no one" "Because I'm through with love" "Why did you lead me to think you could care?" "you had your share ... of slaves around you to hound you and swear devotion to you" "Good-bye to spring and all it meant to me" "It can never bring the thing that used to be" "For I must have you or no one and so I'm through with love" "I'm through with love" "Josephine!" "Bienstock!" "that's no dame." "Sugar." "No guy is worth it." "Grab that broad!" "Josephine?" "It's all settled!" "Osgood is meeting us on the pier." "We're not on the pier yet!" "going to be my bridesmaid." "pleased to meet you." "Come on!" "She's so eager!" "Wait for Sugar!" "Another bridesmaid?" "Flower girl." "Sugar!" "What do you think you're doing?" "I'm not very bright." "Let's go!" "one of those no-goodnicks you've been running away from" "I know." "Every time!" "not the cole slaw in the face and the old socks and the squeezed-out tube of toothpaste." "pour it on." "Talk me out of it." "it's white lace." "I can't get married in your mother's dress." "we're not built the same way." "We can have it altered." "no you don't!" "I'm going to level with you." "We can't get married at all." "Why not?" "Well." "I'm not a natural blonde." "It doesn't matter." "I smoke." "I smoke all the time." "I don't care." "I've been living with a saxophone player." "I forgive you." "I can never have children." "We can adopt some." "Osgood!" "I'm a MAN!" "nobody's perfect."