"In the last episode of Soap, much to Detective Donohue's surprise," "Jessica decided to have an affair with him, and the next morning, much to everyone's surprise," "Chester returned home." "Sally was surprised when Burt showed up at her apartment to find out why she told those surprising stories about him, and Burt was surprised to find out it was because Ingrid Swenson was blackmailing her." "Corinne came home with her beautiful healthy baby that she had after a surprisingly short pregnancy." "Tim hasn't been surprised with the news yet, since he's now living in a cave." "Surprised?" "You won't be after tonight's episode of..." "Soap." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "[SHOUTING AND ARGUING]" "[SIGHS]" "He's washing up and getting settled in." "What's gonna happen with us?" "I don't know." "I mean, just a few hours ago, we were discussing marriage." "Well, I wasn't married then." "[SIGHS]" "Do you love him?" "Yes." "See you." "I love you too." "I loved him first." "Do you love him most?" "I loved him longest." "You didn't love him lately." "I love you both." "I'd love to clean the living room." "Benson..." "I love you." "Really, I do..." "But Chester's my husband." "It's funny." "You hired me to find him." "I didn't." "I found you." "[♪]" "JESSICA:" "Chester..." "In here." "Chester, I wanted to talk..." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "I didn't know you were in the bath." "Jess, come on in." "No, thank you, Chester, I bathed this morning." "No, I meant come in the bathroom." "Oh." "Well, we could talk later." "No, come on, Jess, I've missed talking to you." "Oh." "Well..." "How are you, Chester?" "Oh, Jess, you have no idea what I went through." "It was awful, just awful." "Oh, Chester." "But let's not talk about that." "Let's talk about happy things." "What did you want to tell me?" "I thought you were dead, Chester." "Well..." "I..." "I know you did, Jess." "Everyone thought you were dead." "Chester." "Is that what you wanted to tell me?" "Well, that's part of it." "You..." "You..." "You see, Chester, we all thought you were dead..." "And, well, I mean, you know, when you think a person is dead, then you start doing things as if they are not there, which of course, being dead, they are not." "Yes?" "And so..." "I..." "I thought you were dead, and I did things that you do after your husband dies." "Like what?" "Like..." "Have a funeral." "Oh, that's nice." "Who came?" "Nobody." "They all had headaches." "And?" "And what?" "And what were you going to tell me?" "Oh, uh... nothing." "Oh, come on, you silly." "You're acting like it's the most terrible thing in the world." "How terrible could it be?" "[FORCED LAUGH]" "Terrible." "Oh, well, it's not as if you're going to tell me that you took up with another man." "Oh, come on, Jess." "The only thing that could be so awful is if you gave away all my clothes, or you took up with another man." "Both." "You gave away all my clothes?" "Oh, Chester." "You were joking about the affair, weren't you?" "No, Chester." "You had an affair?" "Oh, Jess, how could you?" "I thought you were dead, Chester, and, well, of course, it's not true, because, I mean, here you are, and you're not, but I didn't know it." "Who was he?" "Well... it's not important." "I have a right to know, Jess." "I'm your husband." "[MUFFLES WORDS] Detective Donohue." "What?" "Detective Donohue." "Detective Donohue?" "The silly-looking little guy?" "He happens to be wonderful." "[CRACKING UP] I'm sure he is, Jess." "I'm sure he is." "Oh, Chester." "I'm sorry, Jess." "I'm just relieved that it's him." "For a second there, I was really worried." "I just wouldn't want to lose you, Jess, that's all." "Hi, Billy." "[MUMBLING]" "I don't believe it." "Lisa, hi." "How's everything?" "Sit down." "How are you?" "I'm fine." "I'm great." "I've been far, far away." "When you stopped coming to school last year," "I figured you moved." "I did." "You look terrific." "You look terrible." "Thanks." "Hey, this is incredible." "You want a Coke, fries, carrot cake?" "I look terrible?" "You look sad." "Sad?" "I'm hysterical." "Seeing you again is great." "What do you mean, I look terrible?" "Well, you used to look nervous and happy." "Now you look nervous and sad." "No, that's because whenever you saw me," "I was nervous around you," "I'd drop things, stutter, and fall down a lot." "You don't do that anymore?" "No." "So you moved." "Yes." "Where to?" "Utopic Euphoria." "Let me get a pen." "No, Billy," "Billy, I moved to another plane, another dimension." "Here, here's my address." "You sure you don't want anything to eat?" "Thanks, no." ""The Church of the Golden Ray." "Reverend Sun Ray Sun, founder."" "I'm a Sunny." "Oh?" "Hey, why don't you come with me." "You could see the church, understand our way of life." "No, I have a class in 10 minutes." "Don't you have a class to go to?" "Oh, my life is a class." "I've thought of you often," "Billy." "I never even knew you thought I was alive." "Well, that's because I was in another world, but now, I'm in Reverend Sun's world." "I love it." "I love everything." "I love you." "Me?" "All things." "Sunnys know how to love and feel." "You seem so troubled." "I am... sort of." "I just don't have anyone to talk to, anyone who'll listen to me." "I mean, my parents will." "They sort of have their own problems, and I don't want to add to them." "The Sunny will listen, Billy." "I'll listen." "You will." "Come." "Come with me." "But I have a class..." "I love you." "That I can make up tomorrow." "Three minutes." "Don't put your fingers on the glass." "Glass?" "Look at this." "Oh." "[GRUMBLING]" "I am sorry." "She's sorry." "Why is there glass?" "Because if it was brick, it'd hardly be worth the trip." "Uh-huh, and why can't I touch the glass?" "Might I get a shock?" "No, I get a smudge." "Lady, you've got any idea how many times a day I gotta clean this?" "I'm sure I don't care." "You've now got two-and-a-half minutes." "No smoking, no swearing, no spitting." "I never spit." "I don't spit." "I live in Connecticut." "Dutch, oh, Dutch, oh, my God, look what they've done to you." "[NO SOUND]" "I said..." "[SHOUTING] My God, look what they've done to you!" "[LOUDER] I said, My God, look what..." "Lady, please, you're gonna wake up the whole prison." "Lady, pick up the phone." "Phone?" "I have to talk to him on the phone?" "No, you could sit there and holler and annoy everybody, or you could pick up the phone like a person and talk nice." "Dutch." "Eunice." "Dutch, oh, Dutch." "Oh, my God, look what they've done to you." "What?" "Behind glass." "My Dutch, behind glass." "Dirty screws!" "Eunice, please, relax, honey." "Relax?" "My man is being treated like an animal, and you want me to relax?" "Boy, you look good, sweetie." "Oh, Dutch, I can't bear being without you." "I'm going nuts in here without you too." "Dutch, you have no idea what it's like out here." "Yes, I do, Eunice." "I was out there." "You've got no idea what it's like in here." "Oh, Dutch." "There's no privacy." "There's no quiet." "There's no women." "You can't take a shower by yourself." "The food is lousy." "Women?" "You want women?" "Oh, honey, I want you." "I need you." "I need you too, Dutch." "I need to touch you." "I need to touch you too." "Oh, Eunice." "Oh, Dutch." "I don't believe this." "Hey, lady." "We're in love." "Yeah, but you're kissing glass." "I mean, what is it with you outsiders?" "The first thing you do when you come in here, you start to kiss the glass." "Sorry." "Sorry?" "That's sick, that's sick!" "Please, it is all we have." "That's it, Eunice, I can't take this anymore." "I'm breaking out of here." "Oh, now, listen, Dutch, just please try and be patient." "I think I found a lawyer, and he says he can get you off if you'd just turn State's Evidence." "Are you crazy?" "Do you know what they do to squealers in here?" "Dutch..." "It's our only chance, Dutch." "Now, just think." "You'd be free." "Free." "Will you talk to him, Dutch?" "Oh, Eunice." "Oh, Dutch." "Again with the glass." "Listen, lady, your time's up." "I love you, Eunice." "I love you, Dutch." "Hey, how about it?" "Hold your water, screw." "Eunice, relax, I've got to live here." "All right, but just promise me you'll talk to the lawyer, okay?" "Okay, okay." "Okay." "Um, if he... breaks out and gets caught, how much longer would he have to stay in?" "Five more years." "See, honey?" "So I'd think twice about anything if I were you, okay?" "Yeah." "[♪]" "I can't believe I let you talk me into this." "Sally, relax." "Everything is gonna be fine." "Oh, fine, fine." "Your mother's gonna walk in, kiss you, and kill me." "I'm leaving." "Sally, you promised." "She's probably not even coming." "What makes you think she's coming?" "I called her and told her that Danny was very sick." "She's a mother." "She'll come." "What about Burt?" "Where's Burt?" "We sent him to the store." "When he comes back, he'll find her here." "What if they meet each other coming up the driveway?" "They'll kill each other." "And she'll walk in and kill me." "I'm leaving." "Here she comes." "Get her in the kitchen." "Come on, come on." "Hi." "I got here as soon as I could." "Where is he?" "Is he throwing up?" "Uh, maybe." "Hi." "What are you doing out of bed?" "You're sick." "I'm not." "You told me he was sick." "I lied." "You lied?" "Ma, it was the only way that we could get you here." "We spoke to Burt, and we believe him." "Fine, you live with him." "You've got to see him, Ma." "You've got to listen to him." "Now, I've been with him since you left, and I believe he's telling the truth." "Forget it." "Okay, I've got all this..." "Hey, Mare." "What are you doing here?" "As if you didn't know." "No, no, they told me to go to the store to get some traps and cheese, because there are rats in the attic." "They're wrong." "The rats are in the living room." "Ma, wait." "Listen to him, please." "And then you can leave if you want to, but, Mom, just give him a chance, just listen to him." "Want some cheese?" "I mean, the market was low." "I had to get Camembert." "For rats..." "If they were French rats," "I'd be in no trouble at all here." "Mare..." "Mare, I never slept with Sally." "Is that what you have to say?" "Yeah." "First, you told me that you slept with an old, fat woman, then you told me you slept with Sally, and now you tell me that you slept with no one." "Burt, one of the tricks to lying successfully is to not keep changing your story." "But, Mare, I'm not lying." "I swear, I told you the truth." "Really?" "When?" "Well, both times, actually." "When I told you I slept with Sally, that was the truth, because then, I thought I did, but now, when I tell you I didn't sleep with Sally, it's the truth, because I found out I never did." "Come on, Mare." "Where are you going?" "To the movies." "At least there, along with a story," "I get some popcorn." "Ma?" "Ma, we... we've got a surprise for you." "Some surprise." "I can't wait to see what you're planning for Christmas." "Mrs. Campbell, please believe me, everything I've told you is a lie." "She has a lovely sense of humor, doesn't she?" "[STAMMERING]" "I never had an affair with Burt." "There was no 18-year-old." "I made it all up." "Ingrid Swenson's been blackmailing me." "Ingrid Swenson?" "You see, Mare?" "I told you." "I'm supposed to believe her?" "Get serious." "It's true." "She wanted me to destroy you, and she was blackmailing me." "You see, I..." "I made a film that I'm not very proud of that she got ahold of." "And what?" "Threaten to give it to Pauline Kael?" "[LAUGHING]" "It was a porno film." "Sure." "Look." "I'll prove it to you." "This is it." "Please," "I have no interest in looking." "I do." "Otherwise, you won't believe me." "Oh, please, Mary," "I really want you to believe me." "Now do you understand?" "Weren't you cold?" "The lights were hot." "Anyway, she had this film, and she was blackmailing me to try to break up your marriage." "Did you know the man in the mask?" "Eventually." "Mary, Burt loves you." "You have no idea how much." "There's no way in the world he could ever be unfaithful to you." "God knows I tried." "[STAMMERING]" "But I never..." "I never did, Mary." "Sally, thanks." "Yeah." "Guys..." "You never...?" "Never." "With anyone?" "No." "Oh, God, I thought..." "Oh, I know." "I hated you." "I have never hated anyone so much." "I saw that." "That's because I love you so." "I know." "Oh, Burt..." "Come on." "[♪]" "[BABY TALK]" "Utchie-gutchie, utchie-gutchie!" "Eeugh." "[HIGH-PITCHED] Whoo, wittle baby," "Gwandma wuvs you very, very much." "Yes, she does." "Why are you doing that?" "[NORMAL VOICE] Benson, this is my grandchild." "So?" "Oh, it's baby talk." "Well, I don't hear him talking that way." "Oh, Corinne, he is the most beautiful baby," "I think, in the whole world." "Me too, but I'm partial." "Grandpa, what do you think of your great-grandchild?" "Is it a boy or a girl?" "Daddy, it's a boy, silly." "It's hard to tell without a uniform." "At ease." "I just wish Tim could be here." "He doesn't even know the baby's been born." "Corinne, maybe somebody should go to his cave and tell him he's a father." "You see, that way, he'll know." "Otherwise, I mean, he won't, and why should he come and see his son if he doesn't know that he has one?" "That's a good idea, Ma, but... but Tim doesn't believe it's his baby." "Well, considering how good-looking that baby is," "I don't believe it either." "[BABY TALK]" "Oh, Lord, I can't take any more of this." "[BABY TALK]" "Ma... why don't we all go downstairs and let him sleep." "He's had a very busy day." "I'll say he had a busy day." "I've changed him six times." "[BABY TALK]" "[SCARY MUSIC PLAYING]" "[DIABOLICAL LAUGH]" "Now that Jessica has a lover and a husband, what will life be like for her, besides busy?" "Now that his high school love is going to introduce him to the Sunnys, what's in store for Billy?" "Now that Burt and Mary are back together, what will Ingrid Swenson do next?" "Now that Eunice has convinced Dutch not to break out, will she break in?" "And now, as if the Tates don't have enough trouble, what the devil is going on in the nursery?" "These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of..." "Soap." "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience." "[♪]"