"Oh, Peg, I'm so excited." "It has been so long." "So very, very long." "But in just a few brief moments a brand-new baseball season officially begins." "Well, Al, as long as I live I will never understand your fascination with baseball." "Well, if you'd promise not to live too long I'd tell you." "I mean, baseball is so boring." "How come they don't have a Harlem Globetrotters baseball team?" "They do." "They're called the Mets." "Hey, hey, hey." "Do I smell trail mix?" "Fresh from under the sofa cushions." "Grab a seat." "Button." "Oh, hey, before I forget Marcie wanted to invite you to an April Fools' party tomorrow." "Really?" "Man, I love April Fools' Day." "Peg, remember Mrs. Quinn, our Music teacher?" "Yeah." "One April Fools' we faked a love note from her to the female Gym teacher." "And the school board suspended her license." "Just three days before her retirement." "And her husband divorced her, left her penniless." "Well, one April Fools' Day, I called the operator said I couldn't get through to the zoo because their lion was busy." "You get it?" "Dad." "Great news, Dad." "Kelly and I wanna start up our own business." "So you'll loan us $5000?" "Well, sure." "Jody, Buffy, let me truck on over here to the wall safe." "Nobody look." "Well, strike me blind and call me Charlie." "It's been took." "Quick." "After them." "I'll wait over here by the ball game." "I didn't even know we had a wall safe." "Too bad it's gone." "Your brains were in it." "Now, kids, if your father had been a successful shoe salesman" "Or husband, or lover or anything." "what business would it have been?" " A photography studio where lonely guys could get pictures taken with pretty girls." "Hey, now, that's not a bad idea." "How did you come up with that?" "Well, Saturday night and everyone was out partying and everything so obviously Bud was upstairs in his room looking at underwear ads." " Look." " And I figured" "It's not important how she got the idea." "The point is we need $5000." "Well, a good panhandler can pull in $500 a day." "Five hundred dollars a day?" "We'll have Bud and Kelly's open in no time." "Hey, wait a minute." "It was my idea." "We're gonna name it after me." "There's already a place called "In-N-Out."" "The game's starting." " Who are those guys?" " They're just a bunch of VIPs nobody cares about." "That's the owner of the team." "He's introducing a new guy who just bought 10 percent of it." " That's him." " Huh, that's who?" "That's him, Walter Traugott." "I gotta go." "Wait a second, Jefferson." "Come back here." "What's wrong?" "Was it something Peg did?" "Because if it was, she'll be in the basement until the All-Star break." "Now who am I gonna watch the game with?" " Another thing about this baseball" " No." "Now, why does that guy get to walk to the base?" "Because he got four balls." " Well" " Don't even say it, Peg." "If your mouth must open and close, do it on this." "If you paid as much attention to me as you do to this..." " ..." "I probably wouldn't mind so much." " I do pay attention to you, Peg." "No, he was safe." "Al, I think I broke my tooth." "He was safe." "Safe." "Safe." "Safe." "Please, Marcie, I am not in the mood for this tonight." "But, Jefferson, it has been almost eight hours." "Look, there's something I have to tell you." "Tonight I was watching the ball game with Al and who do I see on the TV?" "Walter Traugott, the new owner of the team." "Odd that the owner would be at the game." "Mount me." "Look, there's something else I have to tell you." "I haven't been completely honest with you about my past." "You mean you're not permanently disabled and can work?" "No." "Not that." "Look, my real name isn't Jefferson D'Arcy." "I used to work for the CIA." "And a few years ago I was involved in a covert operation that sent a lot of bad people to prison for a long time." "But there was this one guy that got away." "The only person in the world who can blow my cover." "Walter Traugott." "Well, thank God." "I thought you were gonna tell me you dated Cher." "Well, I did, but" "It wasn't part of the job, it was just my turn." "Now, I know you'll be upset." "You'll probably go through the classic denial, guilt, depression, anger, acceptance syndrome." "That is preposterous." "Admit it." "It's all my fault." "I should just kill myself." "Or kill you, you son of a bitch." "But I love you, whoever you are." "What do we do now?" "I don't know." "But if Traugott finds me, I'm as dead as network TV." "Maybe it's just a coincidence that Traugott's in Chicago." "I mean, Chicago is a big town." "It's not like he's gonna come through the window and get you." "Jefferson." "Gabby." "Oh, my tooth." "Jefferson, I can't stand to hear Peg in so much pain." " You have any Novocain?" " No." "Al, it's getting worse." "How about some duct tape?" " Hello?" " Hello." "Yes, Golden Sunset Retirement Home?" "Yes, I'm with the phone company." "We've got a man working on your phone lines so would you not pick up the phone for the next five minutes or so or he'll be electrocuted." " Okay?" " Okay." "Bye." "Hello?" "Oh, I love April Fools' Day." "Hello, Chicago Memorial Hospital?" "Yes." "Coronary Care unit, please." "Room 410." "I don't understand it." "Well, we both look desperate and homeless." "Yet they give you all the money and spit all over me." "Why is that?" "You don't get it, do you?" "Look." "This is not a fun-house mirror." "This is actually what you look like." "Now, on the other hand, this is what I look like." "And that is why we're opening Kelly and Bud's." "Spare change?" " Al Bundy?" " Yes, officer?" "I'm innocent." "I was abused." "No, Mr. Bundy." "My name is Walter Traugott." "Oh, the baseball-team owner." "Yeah, I saw you on TV last night." "What are you doing here?" "I've got something to discuss with you of a rather personal nature." "Well, don't worry about it, Troggy." "Your secret's safe with me." "I'll just go close the blinds and you can try on anything you like here." "For season tickets, I'll call a friend of mine over at Victoria's Secret and you can coordinate." "Thank you." "No, Mr. Bundy, I came here to ask you a question." "Specifically, do you know the man in this picture?" "Or this one." "Or maybe this one." "I'll cut to the chase." "This man is one of the most dangerous people in the world." "Joey Bishop?" "I always suspected that." " That one." " Him?" " Why, that looks like" " Like who, Mr. Bundy?" "Hey, now, If you're a cop, I don't talk to the law I don't listen to the law, I don't watch L.A. Law." "Let me level with you." "The man I'm asking you about is a spy, Mr. Bundy." "A dangerous spy." "And we want him." "This is my card." "I'll be in Chicago for two more days." "Not that you'd put financial gain above your country's national security but there is a reward for information leading to the arrest of this man." "Oh, rewards mean nothing to me." " How much is it, by the way?" " Fifty thousand dollars." "I'll be talking to you." "All right, Peg." "I made the appointment with the dentist." "This better still hurt when we get there because dentists aren't cheap." "Hey, guys, what's up?" "Oh, nothing." "Or as they say in the Kremlin, "nyet."" " Al." " Peg, please just go wait in the car." " I'll be right there." " Promise me, Al?" "Yes, I promise, Peg." " You swear to me, Al?" " Damn your hide, yes, I promise." "Wait in the freaking car." "Jeez, the things that women make you say to show them you love them." " What do you want, buddy?" " Oh, nothing." "It's just that I didn't get a chance to talk to you much yesterday and I was just, you know, wondering what was up, you know?" " Nothing." " Me neither." "So ever been a spy?" "I beg your pardon?" "Okay." "Okay." "Let's get right to the point." "Who won the World Series in '76?" "The Reds." " What?" " Interesting choice-ski, comrade." "Look, shouldn't you be taking Peggy to the dentist?" "Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you?" " Do you know what I'm gonna do?" " What?" "I wanna play Name the American Presidents." " You gotta be kidding." " Afraid not." "You go first." "Okay." "George Washington." " Eisenhower." " John Adams." "Eisenhower." "Thomas Jefferson." "Eisenhower." "James K. Polk." "Dwight D. Eisenhower." "Al, we have run through the presidents 15 times." "Just one more question." "Big 'Uns magazine Hooters of the Month." "November '88." "Kimberly Nicholson." "Born 1969." "Turn ons: fast cars, walks on the beach and young Rod Stewart." "Turn offs:" "Men who smoke, war and old Rod Stewart." "Right?" "What's that?" "I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention." "All right, let's say you're an American." "Of course I'm an American, Al." "Look, what is going on here?" "Walter Traugott came into the store today, told me you were a spy." "Said he'd give me a $50,000 reward if I turned you in." "Did you?" "Do I look like I'm in Rio without the wife and kids?" "Although there is a plane leaving at 6." "All right." " All right." "Look, Al, I was a spy." " Thank you." "But for us." "Traugott's the bad guy." "Besides, Al, you have known me for three years." "You know I'm an American." "Well, so am I, that's why it's so hard to turn down free money." "I've got another reason for you not to turn me in, Al." "Because you're a Bundy and if you put a D where the N is, you're a buddy." "If you put the N where the D is, I'm a bunny." "What's your point?" "Look, I'm not gonna turn you in." "There are three things a Bundy will never be: rich, a snitch or regular." "So relax." "Your secret's safe with me." " Thanks, Al." " One last question." "Who was the vice-president under President Eisenhower?" "I have no idea." "You are an American." " Al." " Oh, yeah, the dentist." " All right, let's go." " I've already been, you kumquat." "Here's the bill." " How am I supposed to pay this?" " Don't look at me." "If only it were that easy." "Dad, got some bad news." "The traditional Bundy greeting." "The police confiscated our beggings." "And we're being sued for impersonating the homeless." "You know what the worst part is?" "That it's too late to adopt the Menendez boys?" "No." "The photo studio would have been a success." "Panhandling." "This is what we get for listening to Mr. D'Arcy." "Yeah." "Boy, I wish we had something on him." "Fifty thousand dollars." "Fifty thousand dollars." "Fifty thousand dollars." "Hi, Al." "Hey, I got some great stuff for the April Fools' party tonight." "Check it out, fake vomit." "And fake doggie doo-doo." "Humans." "They really know how to party." "I've been thinking about it and I can't go to the party with you." "Why not?" "Oh, it's the lame April Fools' gags, huh?" "Well, that and I could get killed hanging out with you." "See, I don't wanna go that way." "I wanna go the way all Bundys go." "I wanna hang myself in my own basement by jumping off my workbench." "Not that I have it planned out or anything." "But nobody knows who I am, Al." "Unless you told." "Now, why would I do that?" "Who would I tell?" "Paging Mr. Traugott." "Paging Mr. Walter Traugott." "Now, that page could have come from anybody." "Mr. Al Bundy paging Walter Traugott." "What?" "Jefferson, now, I swear I didn't have nothing to do with that." "I see now what I have to do." "But I didn't have nothing to do with that." "You would think after a few years you could count on a friend to take him at his word." "But I guess you just never know who you can really trust, hey, buddy?" "That's bunny." "With two N's." "Don't grovel, Al." "Look, if you have to say anything I want you to take a deep breath and tell me who's the best damn April Fooler in the whole world?" " April Fool?" " That's right." "April Fool." "What about that guy that came to my store?" "Walter Traugott?" "He's an old friend of the family from D.C." "I sent him into your store with that story, Al." "And you bought it hook, line, and sinker." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, you better not use your phone for the next five minutes because someone's gonna be working on your lines." "Nice try." "Come on, let's go to the party." "But you mean none of that spy stuff was true?" "Oh, come on, Al." "If I was really involved espionage couldn't I have just made one phone call and had Traugott taken out?" " I guess." " Well, then, what do you think?" "And that's a ground out to third." "Oh, my God." "Ladies and gentlemen Walter Traugott fell to the ground from an upper deck luxury box." "And now some other scores around the league." "In the fifth, Milwaukee is leading the White Sox 6 to 1." "And in Los Angeles, the Dodgers still suck."