"This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "Danny." "Danny, we have to have a little talk." "Yeah, what's up, Burt?" "You got this whole town in an uproar." "Forty-two tickets for tailgating?" "You should've seen that mess." "It was a potential nightmare." "They can't help it if they're bumper to bumper." "It's rush hour!" "I don't make the laws." "I just enforce them." "Danny, look, please, if you wanna ride shotgun for me, you gotta have something in the barrel." ""You gotta have something in the barrel."" "I love that." "No, Danny, please, I'm talking about, you have to learn how to interpret the law." "All right, now for example, say somebody does something wrong." "Not a lot wrong, a little wrong." "Now, suppose the wrong-doer is a right guy." "Well, now, there's a fine line between right and wrong." "And sometimes, you have to let a person have the right to be wrong." "Am I right, or am I wrong?" "Absolutely." "Now, listen to this, Burt." "I'm afraid to." "Fact." "There have been two murders in the last four years in Dunn's River." "Fact!" "Both of those murders have gone unsolved." "What is the point?" "Don't you see?" "The writing's on the wall." "Those victims were killed in the same place." "Danny, what are you talking about?" "Sam Ogilvie was killed on North Street." "Old Man Jennings, they found on Melrose." "How can you tell me that they were killed in the same place?" "Look at the map." "There's North... and there's Melrose." "Those murders took place less than an inch apart." "Hello, Burt." "Oh, Chester, Dutch, how you doing?" "Fine, just fine." "Look, if you guys are here to see your parole officer," "Wally's not here on Tuesdays." "That's not why we're here." "We wanna make a deal." "Shut up, Dutch." "Burt..." "You're one heck of a guy." "Thanks, Chet." "It's been nice talking to ya." "Giving up a prospering business to help the community." "You're one heck of a guy, Burt Campbell." "What do you want, Chester?" "I beg your pardon?" "What do you want, Chester?" "Burt, I'm taken back." "What do you want, Chester?" "What could I possibly want?" "We wanna buy your construction company." "Would you put a lid on it?" "Burt, because you're one heck of a guy," "Dutch and I are willing to take Campbell  Son Construction off your hands." "Hey, hey, can you picture Chester welding girders in a three-piece suit, eh?" "I don't weld girders." "That's what I have Dutch for." "I'll be busy keeping my eye on the cash flow." "Ooo-hoo-hoo!" "Chester, you're an embezzler." "Burt, this is no time to nitpick." "Burt, do you remember when we had the big blizzard, and I had Benson dig your car out?" "Mm-hm." "Will ya give me the company?" "No, that's..." "I don't think so, Chester." "Burt, Burt, Burt." "I think that you will find this bid sufficient." "Guys look, please, I don't know..." "Chester, are you crazy?" "Tirali Construction Company offered us double that." "We'll triple it!" "Blithering idiot!" "What are you yelling at me for?" "You said it's worth five times what we're offering 'em." "Have you heard from your brain lately?" "Wait a minute, guys." "Come on, relax." "I don't know if I wanna sell." "I mean, for a couple of reasons." "For one thing, I'm not gonna be wearing this badge forever, and secondly, something you don't understand is, it's my company." "I worked my whole life to have my name mean something." "And today, all the name Campbell means, is... soup." "Burt, you'll still retain..." "20 percent of the company." "I don't think so." "40 percent!" "Burt, may I borrow one of your pistols?" "Wait, guys, wait a minute." "I don't know what to do." "Let me have a conference with my associate, all right?" "Danny, Danny." "Look, now, look," "I don't know." "I am very skeptical." "What do you think?" "About what?" "My partner and I have conferred, and we think this idea is a ridiculous idea." "Very well." "If that's the way you feel about it," "I'm certainly not going to beg." "Come along, Dutch." "Oh, Burt, please!" "Please give me that company!" "Please let me have the company, Burt." "Oh, please." "Pretty please!" "What do ya say?" "Should I hose him down?" "Come on, big guy, get up!" "You're making a fool of yourself." "Look guys, I know what you're thinking, that I'm a murderer, right?" "No, I can live with that." "Ditto." "That I escaped from prison?" "Don't be silly." "Psshh." "That Chester is a lowlife." "Well..." "Shut up." "Look, I know I'm asking for a break that I don't deserve." "But I'm turning my life around." "I got a wife now, and I wanna have a family." "This is my only shot, Burt, and I'm gonna make good on it." "I give ya my word." "Come on, Dutch, please." "I don't want..." "I'm in a very funny position here." "Chester... eh?" "I'd like to confer with my associate again." "Absolutely, confer." "Thank you, Burt." "I mean that." "Thank you." "I told you this would be a piece of cake." "Danny, look, I don't know." "I just..." "I don't trust him." "I know he means well, and I know we could keep an eye on him, but still..." "You know what I mean?" "Uh-huh." "But your mother, she'd never forgive me if I let this poor guy go on to welfare." "Uh-huh." "Chester, right?" "Yeah, Chester." "But he's a crook." "He's an embezzler." "But he's family." "Do you know what I mean?" "Not at all." "It's like talking to a wall." "Excuse me, I..." "Look, guys..." "You got a deal." "Oh, thank you, Burt." "Thank you." "Oh, Chester, don't do that." "All right, now, on one condition here, Dutch." "You're the president." "It's a deal." "President?" "Burt!" "The guy has an IQ lower than his shoe size." "Burt, ya won't regret it." "Chester, pay him." "All right." "This is an I-owe-you." "I-owe-you?" "You're not gonna pay me anything?" "What, you're serious?" "Where would I get that kind of money?" "Hey, Burt, don't worry." "We ain't got the money yet, but... we'll earn it." "That's right!" "Come on, Dutch, let's get down to the pier and get that steel shipment." "Whoa, wait." "What steel shipment?" "The cheap stuff from Hong Kong." "The buildings will look the same." "They'll just..." "sway a little." "El!" "Aah!" "Oh, oh!" "Oh, El." "Let me take over for a while." "Oh, no, no, no, no, no." "You insult my manhood." "Why, El?" "Let a woman huff and puff and strain her little arms, while Carlos El Puerco Valdez, he sit around and do nothing?" "No, no, no." "Well, at least let me take one oar, and I'll sit beside you for a while." "Oh, that's all right." "You know, I..." "I did miss you while you were sleeping, my little chilly pepper." "El, think we could just dip into our food supply again?" "Ay, querida, there is only two breath mints left." "I see..." "Well, could we just have a little sip of water?" "The canteen, she is empty." "She is?" "Yeah." "Oh, El, why didn't we plan this better?" "We should've had a big yacht standing by, you know, just in case the revolution failed." "Oh, no, no." "That would be negative thinking." "Uh, true." "But we would've had food and water, and we would've had some warm clothes." "Oh, El, I am so cold." "Here, hold me." "Ah, no, no, no, we can't do that." "No-no-no, we are not married." "I only want to keep warm, El." "Yes, but you might lead me to the impure thoughts." "Oh, no, no, no, no." "How could I desecrate you, my Madonna?" "No." "Well, you could desecrate me a little." "No, no, no, no, no, we cannot sin, being so close to death." "Death?" "Well, it doesn't look good." "Just think about it, you know?" "A few more days in this scorching sun, and your tummy is gonna swell." "Your hair will frizz up." "Your eyeballs will be burned and pop out of your head." "And you'll probably die." "My hair will frizz up?" "Well, mine does." "Oh, El, look!" "It's the light, the dawn." "Oh El, after the darkness came the dawn." "First we freeze, and then we fry." "There's got to be land out there somewhere." "There just has to be." "Sure." "Well... there will be." "In the meantime, El, we have to keep our spirits up." "Ha-ha!" "Yeah." "♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪" "♪ Gently down the stream Merrily, merrily ♪" "♪ Merrily, merrily Life is but a dream ♪" "I know that." "♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪" "Stay behind the line." "Okay, mister, that's it." "I'm closing." "You're a ringer." "What?" "You're a pro, a hustler." "I'll take three more balls." "Hey, pal, I told you, I'm closing." "You can't close." "Article two, paragraph one of the Carnival Act," ""As long as you got prizes and patrons, you gotta let 'em play."" "Really?" "Yeah." "You're wiping me out, pal." "What do you want from me?" "Look, I told you, I'm not leaving till I get a little information." "Jodie, Jodie, this is Fluffy, the carnival's half man, half dog." "He responded when I showed him the picture of Carol." "You know her?" "I think you're supposed to give him a treat." "You know this girl?" "Have you seen her lately?" "Here, here, give him that." "Give it to him." "What was that?" "Certs." "You give a dog Certs?" "What, I'm supposed to carry around a box of Liver Snaps?" "Hey, hey, hey, hey, are you talking to me?" "Listen, listen, boy, you wanna fetch?" "You want to fetch?" "You want to fetch?" "Listen, tell me where the girl in the picture is." "She's in China." "Look, Maggie, this isn't gonna work out." "I don't think so." "Listen, uh, thanks for your time, huh?" "Here ya go, here ya go, boy." "All right, listen, three more balls." "Let's go." "Come on, go pitch baseballs." "They got some new teddy bears in there today." "I told you, I'm not leaving till I get a little information." "But don't you understand?" "I'm a carnie." "We live by a code." "You could burn my eyes out." "You could stick my head under water." "You could even audit me, but I'll never talk." "How about if I give you your dolls back?" "What do you wanna know?" "Look at the picture." "Do you know this girl?" "Maybe I do, and maybe I don't." "Look pal, I don't give a damn about your code." "That's my daughter we're talking about." "Either you give me the information, or I'll stuff these dolls down your fat throat." "She was working with Zippo, the fire-eater." "What about the baby?" "Oh, you mean Wendy?" "That's my little girl." "Cute kid." "She worked real well with the midgets." "All right." "Last I heard, they was runnin' a tamale stand somewheres." "First cowboys and clowns, dog people, and now she's with a Mexican fire-eater, and she almost got custody because I'm gay?" "Listen, where did this normal American couple run off to?" "Albuquerque." "Where in Albuquerque?" "You go up to Highway 40." "You come to cross in the road." "You take the right cross." "You stay on your left." "You go as far as you can." "You can't miss it." "Other than that, I'm not tellin' yous nuthin'." "Let's go." "Wait, hold it." "It's for Wendy." "El." "Hm?" "Yes, Red?" "Isn't there anything left to eat?" "Well, there's just one Tic Tac." "You take it." "No, you take it." "No." "All right, we'll share it." "Mm-hm." "Ah..." "I..." "I will bite her in two." "Oh!" "I feel like such a stupid-o." "You know, I lose the revolution." "I lose our way, and now I lose our last Tic Tac." "Don't fret, El." "I doubt that it would have tided us over, anyway." "I also lost my three Juans." "El... tell me the truth." "We're going to die soon, aren't we?" "Yes, Jess." "Are you saying, "Jess, Jess" or "Yes, yes" or "Yes, Jess"?" "Jess?" "Yes?" "Sí!" "Oh, dear." "I was hoping not to die again so soon." "This vacation hasn't been very much fun for you, has it?" "Well, I don't have any regrets, really, except that I had hoped to buy some baskets." "Oh, El, I am so hungry." "Oh-ho." "If only we could just catch a fish." "Aah!" "You know, I have been praying all my life, and never have I got results like that before." "Oh!" "Aah!" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I thought it was a catch boat." "Here, let me get that from ya." "Oh!" "It's a beauty!" "My first catch!" "Mom!" "No!" "Billy!" "Billy!" "Oh, Billy, can it be true?" "Oh, no, it can't be true." "I'm just wishing it." "I'm just imagining it..." "Mom, mom, it's me, Feel me, feel me, I'm real." "Oh, Billy, you're made out of rubber." "No, it's a wet suit." "How did you get here?" "Well, that's a long story." "But how did you get here in the middle of the Atlantic?" "Now, I know your swimming couldn't have improved that much." "No, Mom, I'm staying at the Club Med Martinique." "We're just a few yards from the beach." "See?" "Aah!" "Matinique!" "Ah!" "I knew it was around here some place!" "See that?" "I got us here without a compass." "El Puerco, lord of the sea!" "Mom, do you know this guy?" "My manners." "I'm so sorry." "This is my dear friend," "Carlos Marcello Davíd Escobar Rodriguez El Puerco Valdez." "El, this is my son, Bill." "Your son is a shiny, bald black man?" "Billy, I am so proud of you, taking time out of your vacation to come and rescue us." "No, I'm not vacationing, Mom." "I left home to find you, only the plane couldn't land in Malaguay because of the revolution." "I would like to express the gratitude of a grateful nation." "But I... don't have a nation at this moment." "However, I soon will." "So for now, let me kiss you in a manly way." "Ha-ha, no, that's okay." "Thanks." "However, from this moment and henceforth," "I dub you..." "General Billy," "Sobrino del Puerco." "What does that mean?" ""Nephew of the Pig."" "Oh, how sweet." "Hey Gwen, come on out." "I got something to eat." "See you next week, Gwen." "Hi." "How ya doin'?" "Okay, Dr. Yalowich." "Take care." "Hi!" "When did you come in?" "Is that all you have to say?" ""Hi, when did you come in?"" "What's the matter?" "Who the hell was that?" "Dr. Yalowich, he's a regular." "A regular what?" "Client." "What's the matter with you?" "You're asking me what's the matter with me?" "I'm trying to keep you safe, and you're in there making love with a Quarter Pounder!" "He doesn't even touch me." "We play a game called Fast Food." "I'm the grill girl." "He just lays there, and I turn him over every few minutes." "That's all." "Oh." "Well, don't I feel foolish?" "And here I was thinking it was something ridiculous." "Danny." "How can you do that?" "It's my job." "Indiscriminate sex with anybody who's got the money?" "No, not indiscriminate." "If I don't like a guy, I don't take him on." "You don't believe me, do you?" "Hey, it's no concern of mine how you make your living." "I think you're jealous." "Jealous!" "Ha!" "Oh, that's funny." "Very, very funny." "Jealous." "Me, jealous?" "Boy, that's a laugh." "I'm laughin'." "Ha." "Do you wanna make love to me?" "I'm a cop, Gwen." "I'm a good cop." "I'm honest." "I'm clean." "I try and make this town safe for everyone." "Yes." "Okay." "But I can't." "Look, could you just promise me to shut down operations until this whole thing blows over?" "You're the first guy who ever asked me not to do what they normally pay me to do." "Promise me." "Okay, I promise." "I won't hook until you say it's okay." "Great." "That's a big load off my mind." "You really do?" "What?" "Wanna make love?" "Yeah, but I can't." "I mean, I can." "I just, uh... won't, ya know?" "No." "You see, I would be committing a crime." "I'm a cop." "Yeah, I would have to arrest myself, and frankly," "I don't think I could do it." "You know, knowing me, I'd probably try and set an example, and I'd throw the book at me, and then where would I be?" "I could just give me a reprimand." "Now that Billy has rescued Jessica and El, will they all make it home safely to Connecticut?" "Will Jess and Billy become bilingual?" "Now that Chester and Dutch are in the construction business, will it give their lives a new foundation?" "Now that Danny and Gwen are thinking of making love, will Danny have to throw the book at himself?" "Will Jodie and Maggie have any luck at the tamale stand in Albuquerque, or will they just get heartburn?" "These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of SOAP."