"The Carmichael Show is taped in front of a live studio audience." "I mean, I know Bobby said he wanted to talk, but this is the last place to come to have a conversation." "This is where you bring your family after you've run out of things to say to each other." "Yeah, this place stresses me out." "Every time the chef does something," "I feel like I have to clap, or I'm being rude." "What are you talking about?" "This is the one restaurant where you can be rude." "They can't spit in your food 'cause we're right here." "I hate this." "If I wanted to pretend to be impressed, every single time someone did something, I'd have a child." " Hey, y'all, thanks for meeting me here." " Yo." "Look, I got something to tell you that's gonna blow your minds." "You missed another payment on your credit card, and you need to borrow $7,000." "I mean, yes, but that's not what I was talking about." "Bobby, what happened?" "Is everything okay?" "All right, I hope you're ready for this." "Look, I was on Facebook, minding my own business." "That is the exact opposite of what Facebook is." "Jerrod, are you gonna let me finish?" "Thank you." "I was on Facebook, in everybody else's business, when I got a message that you won't believe." "Hey, Maxine, clap your hands." "You're embarrassing us!" "Bobby, just tell us." "(sighs) So, look, I got this message from some guy named Morris that said he's Dad's son, and claims he's our half brother." "Oh, my God!" "You think this is true?" "I don't know, but I'm gonna message him back so I can find out." "Bobby, don't message him back, okay?" "Aw." "Don't worry, baby brother." "I'm gonna get to the bottom of this." "You know, I'm gonna see if this really is our half brother, or this is a plot to rob us and, uh, assault Maxine." "Bobby... it's true, okay?" "Morris really is our half brother." " What?" "!" " (fire hissing)" "Hey, stop clapping!" "♪" "Jerrod, we got a half brother?" "Dad has a son with another woman?" " How long have you known?" " Not that long." "I guess I found out when I was ten, so..." "I don't know... 20 years?" "And you never said anything?" "I have so many questions." "Oh, my God!" "It is so hard to have a serious conversation here!" "Okay, so, how did you even find out?" "Yeah, how exactly did you find out?" "Well, all right, when I was a kid," "I was riding my bike, and I rode past this park where I saw Dad playing basketball with this kid I didn't recognize." "So I confronted him about it, and he had no choice but to tell me the truth." "You must have been devastated." "Actually, I was a little relieved, 'cause for a split second," "I thought my dad might've been a pedophile." "So does Cynthia know?" "No, no." "Oh, my God, so did he cheat on her?" "No, my dad is still an honorable man." "He just had a kid a year before he and my mom were married, and then he kept that kid a secret their entire relationship, that's all." "Man, I'm a middle child?" "This explains all my fears and my anxieties, and my constant string of failures." "Does it?" "I can't believe your dad has been lying to your mom all these years." "Well..." "Sometimes it's best to just keep a secret a secret." "You know?" "Don't ruin the illusion." "Uh, there are some things you're just better off not knowing." "Wouldn't you rather think that Lance Armstrong was inexplicably fast, or that Michael Jackson just really liked sleepovers, or..." "W-Woody Allen was just a really affectionate father." "No." "And are you seriously defending your dad right now?" "Of course he is, Maxine." "They're in cahoots." "They've been in cahoots for years." "Yeah, and I actually don't even understand how you can defend lying, 'cause your family is so brutally honest, that sometimes I pretend to be sick so I don't even have to go over there." "So you don't have Crohn's disease, Maxine?" "So you mean to tell me I walked five miles for nothing?" "You know what?" "Dad's secret is not gonna be a secret anymore." "We've lived this lie for way too long." "Bobby." "Bobby." "You already did that one." "Dad, Bobby knows about Morris." " What?" " We all know." "What?" "(panting)" "I know about Morris, you lying bastard." "Bobby, shut up." "Your mama's right upstairs." "I can't believe you've kept this from Cynthia your whole marriage." "I can't believe you're talking at such a high volume;" "are you trying to get Cynthia to come downstairs?" "Yes, 'cause we want Mom to know." "Well, she can't know." "Jerrod, why did you tell him?" "I didn't tell him." "Morris messaged him on Facebook." "That damn Zuckerberg." "How many lives is he gonna ruin?" "All right, look." "Everybody, take a deep breath, go outside, get in your cars and drive home." "We're not going anywhere, you lying bastard." "JERROD:" "Bobby." "Stop calling Dad a lying bastard." "Now, I know you guys think it's a good thing for Mom to find out about this, but I think you should give it some time, you know?" "Give it a couple days." "You know what they say," ""Time heals all moral impulses."" "No, I am not gonna sleep on this and change my mind." "Joe has a son." "Cynthia needs to know." "All right, what's it gonna take?" "Money?" "'Cause I'm willing to do whatever it takes to squash this thing, up to $300." "Look, I'm not spending my life lying to my mama for $300." "$500, that's my final offer." "Each?" "MAXINE:" "Bobby..." "Maxine, I was just considering it, you know?" "Our answer is no." "Joe, how do you live with yourself?" "Well, how does anybody live with themselves?" "I mean, we could all be helping Syrian refugees right now but we're not, and we're better for it." "Lies is like chlamydia, Dad, okay?" "Even though you think it's harmless, eventually it turns into cancer." "What?" "Chlamydia can turn into cancer?" "Um, can't chlamydia turn into cancer?" "No, that's HPV." "(whispering):" "Thank you." "Lies is a lot like HPV, Daddy." "(sighs)" "Y'all need to understand the situation I was in." "I was a teenager." "We barely knew each other." "It was one night, and she got pregnant." "So I offered to do the right thing, but she said no, she wanted to keep it." "Then I offered to do the other right thing, you know, help her raise him, but she didn't even want me a part of his life." "You had three decades to tell her the truth." "I know you think that my mom should know, but it's really the liar who takes on all of the burden of this." "I mean, look what it's done to my dad." "You can just see the self-loathing in his face." "Look at this man's eyes." "His eyes used to sparkle." "These lies are just weighing them down," "I mean, look at his posture." "And that's just the outside." "Do you know what these lies are doing to him inside?" "It's slowly coagulating and turning to the tumor that's gonna end this man's life." "Yeah, I'm surprised I'm still alive." "If anything, knowing he's wronged her has made him a better husband." "I mean, love isn't what makes you treat someone nice, it's guilt." "Any time a woman says," ""He treats me like a princess,"" "just know that man has done some terrible things behind her back." "Joe, it is one thing for you to lie to your wife." "But you've asked your son to lie to his mother." "I mean, what do you think that's done to Jerrod?" "I think it's made him into the complicated man that you love today." "You know what they call people who have no daddy issues, Maxine?" "Boring." "Joe, think about how much worse this is gonna be for Cynthia if she finds out from someone else." "I mean, God forbid, she meets Morris at your funeral?" "I mean, imagine that, the worst day of her life made even worse by being blindsided by news like this." "How long are we gonna talk about my death today?" "CYNTHIA: ♪ I've got the world on a string... ♪" "All right, everybody, shut up." "♪ Sitting on a rainbow. ♪" "I thought I heard voices." "What are you all doing here?" "♪ Got that string around my finger... ♪" "(grunts)" " ♪ What a world ♪" " Ha, ha." "♪ What a life ♪" "♪ I'm in love. ♪" "(both laugh)" "Oh, Joe, we still got it." "Yeah, we do." "What are you all doing here?" "Well, uh, you know, I told them we have pie, and they... they love pie, so they are over here to get some of that pie." "Oh." "Well, I guess I better get you all some pie." "Thank you." "All right, you got two options." "Get the hell out, or shut up and stuff your face with pie." "(groans)" "I couldn't even look her in the eye." "Well, just look at the pie." "I don't think I can do this." "Jerrod, get your girl." "It doesn't really work like that, Dad." "All right, everybody, just act normal." "Maxine, I made this gluten-free crust for your Crohn's disease." "(clears throat)" "It was difficult to figure out, at first, how to make it taste not disgusting." "But all I had to do was add an alarming amount of sugar." "Thank you." "Oh, it's just gluten, Maxine." "Yeah, Maxine, relax." "CYNTHIA:" "Oh, Bobby?" "You got an eyelash." "Close your eye, let me get that for you." "All right, I got it." "Go ahead, make a wish." "Well, Mama, I wish you had the foresight to see the snakes" " in the grass..." " Just blow the lash!" "Okay, I'm gonna get the rest of y'all's pie." "What the hell was that?" "That wasn't normal." "I got to admit, all right, this just feels wrong." "Now it just feels like we're conspiring against Mom." "I never noticed how nice she was." "Has she always been this nice?" "Yes." "Mom is an angel, Jerrod." "Jerrod, I made you some chocolate cake." "I know you don't like blackberry pie." "Ma, you didn't even know I was coming." "Well, if you stay ready you don't have to get ready." "Oh, man." "Ma..." "I'm-I'm so sorry." "H-Hey, hey, do we have any more of that, uh, the whipped cream that we got?" " Yeah, I think so." " Well, let's go get it." " Go get... oh." " Ah." "♪ I got the world on a string ♪" "♪ Sittin' on a rainbow... ♪" "Get out now!" "♪ Got this string upon my finger ♪" "JOE AND CYNTHIA:" "♪ What a world, what a life ♪" "♪ I'm in love. ♪" "(sighs) You got up early." "Couldn't sleep?" "No." "I'm all messed up." "Every time I close my eyes," "I just keep seeing my dead dad in a casket with my mom standing over him, crying." "And then Morris comes up to her and introduces himself as my dad's firstborn son." "And then my mom looks me square in the eyes, with tears in hers, and she says, "I thought you loved me."" "Then she takes out a gun and shoots herself in the head and she falls on top of my father's cold, dead corpse." "But what about you?" "You sleep okay?" "No, I had the same dream, but when your mom pulled out the gun, she shot me." "(knocking at door)" "Hey, Maxine." "Hi, Joe." "Well, I can't stand here and talk to you 'cause I got a..." "Crohn's flare-up." "Stop lying, Maxine." "You don't have Crohn's disease." "What's up, Dad?" "Rough night." "Yeah, it was for me, too." "Now, be honest with me, son." "Watching me lie to your mother all these years really messed you up, didn't it?" "No, actually, I think it's given me a healthy amount of cynicism that's protected me my entire life." "It-It taught me to question everything and to accept people's flaws." "If anything, watching you lie to Mom all these years did more to help raise me than any good parenting you tried to do, so..." "Thanks, Dad." "I can't keep doing this." "I can't keep asking the whole family to lie every time they see her." "I mean, ruining you was one thing, but Bobby and Maxine, they don't deserve this." "Yeah, you're right." "They are good people." "Yeah, you know what, I thought about this and I'm gonna tell your mama everything." "Really?" "Are you really gonna do it?" "Yeah." "I should've done this a long time ago, but thanks for, you know, always being there for me." "You mean... lying to Mom about your bastard son for 20 years?" "Yeah, being there." "Hey, Dad." "If Mom does leave you," "I don't want you to think for one second that I'm gonna spend a single Christmas with you in your lonely studio apartment, okay?" "I-I just want to put that out there, but, uh, good luck, man." "You are one cold son of a bitch." "But that's on me." " Cynthia." " Joe!" "I got those seedless tangerines you like." "The ones with seeds, they were cheaper, but I got the ones you like." "Cynthia, we need to talk." "What's going on, Joe?" "I need you to sit down." "Why?" "Joe, you scaring me." "Please, just sit down." "Now, I'm gonna tell you something, but I'm-I'm just nervous that it's gonna change everything." "Well, hold on, before you say it, is it something that I absolutely need to know?" "Because things are so nice now, Joe." "We got those seedless tangerines." "You need to know this." "Now, you know, I've been wanting to tell you for a while, but every time I tried, I just, I got so scared 'cause I-I thought it would ruin everything and-and..." "Well, shoot, I was just so stupid back then, just young and stupid." "And, well... (groans)" "I guess I'm just making more excuses for myself." "Joe, I-I don't like the way that it sound." "And I don't even want to know what this is about." "You know, I'm gonna go ahead and make us some lunch." "Cynthia." " Joe." " I have a son." "He was born a year before we got married." "Now, I-I-I know I should've told you from the beginning, but I didn't know how you would react and..." "Cynthia, I am sorry." "I know you got questions for me." "No." "I don't have any questions." "I don't want to know anything." "What do you want for lunch, Joe?" "Cynthia." "Don't!" "Don't come near me, Joe." "No!" "You are not the one to comfort me, not... not when you're the one that did this." "(crying):" "What do you want for lunch?" "I know we can get through this." "All I need you to do is just tell me what-what I can do to make things better." "Joe, do you want mustard on your sandwich?" "Cynthia." "Mustard." "Well, Joe?" "You want mustard on your sandwich?" "Mustard, Joe." "Yes or no?" "Yes or no?" "Yes." "(quietly):" "Okay." "Here it is, Joe." "Go ahead and eat your sandwich." "Cynthia, what are you doing?" "(crying):" "I don't know." "I don't know what I'm doing." "I'm doing what you did to our whole marriage, pretending that everything is normal when it isn't." "Joe, I don't even know who you are." "I mean, you're not the man I thought you were." "My best friend would never do this to me." "Cynthia, I'm sorry." "(crying):" "No, j-just... just go, Joe, go." "Get out." "(crying)" "Daddy, I'm putting my foot down." "You got to tell Mom." "It's the right thing to do and I'm not leaving till you tell her." "I just told her." "She's crying in the kitchen." "Oh!" "Cynthia?" "!" "I'm ready to talk now, Joe." "Okay, 'cause I thought for a minute you were gonna kill me." "Good." "Think that." "You've made me that woman, Joe, that woman that everybody pities and whispers about when she walks through the grocery store." "I don't know how to be that woman." "I'm always the woman who's doing the whispering." "Cynthia, I am so sorry." "And... anything you need, you just tell me." "What's his name?" "Morris." "That's a terrible name." "What do you think Mom and Dad got to tell us?" "I'm worried that they're getting a divorce." "This is a bad-news restaurant." "Well, my parents told me they were getting divorced at TGI Fridays 'cause they knew no one would notice if I made a scene." "Did you?" "Oh, big time." "Hey, kids." " Hey, Mom and Dad." " Oh, there... there they are, looking good." "Mom and Dad." "Lovebirds." " Mom and..." " Knock it off." "Listen, everybody, we're gonna get through this." "Just because your father lied to me for 35 years, it does not make him a bad man." "It makes him a flawed man who will probably have difficulty getting into heaven, but that is not my burden to carry." "Well, I'm gonna deal with that when I get there." "I can be very persuasive." "So, how are we gonna handle this?" "Gonna joke about it?" "Sweep it under the rug?" "Just let me know, I don't have strong feelings either way." "No, we're gonna be very honest, very open." "I mean, all families have things to deal with." "You know, my husband has a son that isn't mine." "So, there it is." "Know who you're sitting with." "We love each other, we're a strong family and we're gonna get through this." "She slept with my brother and we're still together." "Okay." "Well... let's eat."