"huh?" "You've been at the touch tank forever." "But i haven't even touched the sea cucumber." "He's playing hard to get." "Have you done the penny crusher yet? So i crushed our house key." "i think we've done all there is to do here." "huh?" "No." "Just doing a detail job on the urchin's anus." "Good work if you can get it." "but it looks like" "I won't be able to do it much longer." "Why?" "Did the sea urchin learn how to brush its own anus?" "No." "The aquarium is shutting down." "what?" "Huh?" "Makes sense." "The aquarium is shutting down?" "I know." "But why? And this year i can't even pay my taxes." "But the aquarium can't close." "We love this place." "Right?" "right?" "we're not as touchy-fishy as you are." "Nobody is." "Have you considered making more money?" "I have." "That's why i expanded the key chain section" "To include my handmade jewelry." "They make great gifts." "they make gifts." "You just need more people in here." "We could try to rustle up some customers for you." "We do it all the time for our family's restaurant." "Do you love aquariums?" "Sure you do." "I can tell by the way you're avoiding eye contact with me." "lady with the stroller." "low price two dollars for kids under 12?" "No?" "Okay." "Then it's your fault this place is closing." "Monsters." "And..." "We cleared the entire block." "have a good one." "they tipped you eight dollars?" "Yup." "Geez." "That's a huge tip." "I-i don't get tips like that." "Of course not." "why "of course not"?" "nothing." "Never mind." "lin?" "Sometimes you can come off a little surly." "What?" "I'm not surly." "Eh." "May i suggest gruff?" "you know?" "And-and charming's what gets tips." "bob." "teddy." "That one time." "Mm." "I'm just saying if you wanted some help i could give you some pointers." "lin." "I can get tips." "Big tips." "show us what you got?" "Okay." "I will." "All right." "This late afternoon?" "thanks." "the food is good?" "it is..." "Good." "Has anyone seen the weather outside today?" "I-i hear it was..." "It was windy earlier" "And then not so windy now." "Uh-huh." "Are you okay?" "Yeah." "I was just leaning casually on the..." "I don't know where to lean." "I'm gonna go let you eat." "I'm gonna leave now." "that was horrible." "Terrible." "You made everyone so uncomfortable." "Everyone." "i get it." "is all." "so you're in good hands." "Do not ask us to work because we've been hustling" "Our little tushes off all morning." "yeah?" "Where you been?" "At the aquarium." "It's shutting down." "You mean the key chain store?" "It's an aquarium." "the little one by the ferry?" "i haven't been there in forever." "No one has." "That's why they can't pay their taxes." "aren't aquariums nonprofits?" "It's really a key chain store with fish." "And you're a body odor store with burgers." "dad." "It's too bad they're not a church or a place of worship." "Then they'd be tax-exempt." "churches don't pay taxes? So it balances out." "tina?" "i guess." "but sure." "all those windows..." "Not the heating part." "The other part." "Cooling costs?" "Ugh." "Just come with me." "And they walk you through it." "You could become a tax-exempt place of worship." "The church of aquaticism." "Make up a religion?" "I don't know. then we'll do right?" "are you in?" "Everybody lies on the internet." "It is not a big deal." "I figured that out the hard way." "Just because a man's e-mail address has tony danza in it" "Does not mean he's tony danza." "So?" "all right." "Let's do it." "Yeah." "Who's the boss now?" "what are we doing?" "making up a religion to get out of paying taxes..." "This is giving me queasy knees." "that's how you know you're doing the right thing." "Keep going." "last question." "please provide a brief history of the church." "I don't know." "all right." "Aquaticism has been making waves and touching lives" "For over 30 years." "It's been a beacon of light for lost souls ever since" "Our founders first put fingers to fish." "huh?" "first put fingers to fish" and?" "And felt a wave of fulfillment" "And connection and peace" "And a place to go after school." "could you type a little faster?" "boy." "And..." "Submit. boom." "everyone." "So..." "Is this place a church now?" "Did we save the aquarium?" "I think we did." "What do we got here?" "Aquaticism..." "All right." "What?" "Nothing." "That was easy." "What should we do next?" "Manipulate the stock market?" "what's this?" "thank you for your application." "an agent will be in contact" "With you to arrange an inspection"?" "my god!" "but we can do this." "What if we can't?" "We could get in serious trouble." "grown-up?" "What?" "even though he's right." "you only ten minutes?" "can't you?" "Um..." "Just got to" "Give this aquarium a church-over." "Plus a believable bible and a brief" "But compelling religious service." "right?" "We're gonna skedaddle." "no." "Gene and louise and i will help." "We'll help every step of the way." "It means we stopped helping." "watch this;" "watch what i do." "Charm school's in session." "I call this the tiny tap with a hon." "hon?" "Great." "hon." "i guarantee it." "Okay." "So you touch customers." "Yeah." "And i say "hon." "But it's different if i do it than if you do it." "What?" "That's sexist." "Try it." "Try it on me." "Okay." "Ew." "What was that?" "What?" "I just touched your shoulder." "It's like you put a wet lizard on me." "Do it again;" "do it better." "Say-- and say "hon." okay." "Hon. Ugh." "What?" "You know what?" "Don't touch anybody." "Okay." "Did i say the "hon" right?" "Or... fine." "I'm gonna go wipe something down." "Ew." "With your wet hands." "wh-what are you doing over there?" "Making a religion." "What?" "Doing homework." "Oh." "what?" "Nothing." "this place looks" "Pretty much like an aquarium" "With a couple of religious signs slapped up." "right? But it-it's not;" "it's a church." "we're trying to get it registered as a church." "Flanley?" "Is that your name?" "Yes." "Is that..." "Mexican?" "No." "Huh." "Would you like to meet our youth group?" "okay." "This is the aquaticism youth group." "The groupers." "They should talk." "Now." "we're the groupers." "Our youth group is very active in the church." "it's a wonderful church." "So wonderful." "And such a church." "you can ask me anything" "In front of the youth group." "um..." "I need to see some aquaticism literature." "we just finished the literature." "reading it." "It's so good." "it's a little preachy." "Uh..." "Yep." "Ye-- see it?" "Yep." "i got a glimpse of it." "Did you see the drawings?" "Ooh-la-la." "And that formatting." "great." "For the easy questions." "great." "you were..." "Horrible. i had an idea." "We go with "fun teasing guy." "just fun teasing." "I-i can do that." "But tell me what you think i should do." "You give 'em the business." "like this." "watch me." "slow down." "Your stomach called." "It said your mouth needs to chew your food." "My stomach called." "lin." "Eh." "it worked on teddy." "Bob." "Charm school." "Do it." "Go do it." "okay." "h-how's everybody doing?" "Pretty good." "We're celebrating marty's birthday." "Mm-hmm." "He wanted a burger." "Mm-hmm. it may be his-his last one." "Right?" "do you think that's funny?" "What?" "No." "I'm gonna die soon?" "sir." "Just a smidge." "Send over the girl that touches you." "Get outta here." "Okay." "Lin!" "when you say does your church have do we... have all those things." "So much." "Almost too much." "have we shown you the touch tank yet?" "we can come back to that question." "And a bunch of the other ones." "Let me tell you about this touch tank." "That you really did but hoped no one saw-- just a quick pick" "You can put your hands in the tank And it's like you're a starfish in a tide pool." "And nothing bothers a starfish in a tide pool..." "Except me touching it." "You should give it a whirl." "no." "no." "agent flanley." "get in there." "for a second." "that is brisk." "Pick up a cucumber." "oh." "Ooh." "Sorry about that." "Sorry." "I touched your sea cucumber." "Oh." "are they supposed to be this ugly?" "or is it sick?" "Who's to say? And they move very slowly." "But you know why sea cucumbers are great?" "i don't know why." "Because they eat the stuff that no one else in the ocean wants." "And what they poop out is cleaner than what they take in." "these ugly- slash-beautiful creatures constantly making things better" "Than when they found it." "I think we could all learn from the sea cucumber." "Let me tell you something." "You would not believe the crap" "That people try to pass off as religions." "Yeah." "how gullible does everyone think i am? What you've got here..." "Is special." "It is?" "It is." "It's beautiful and thoughtful." "It's answering questions i didn't even know i had." "bro." "here you go." "These are all the tax documents you need" "As an official place of worship." "You're all set." "Really?" "You remember where you parked?" "do you need help to your car?" "do you validate?" "Only spiritually." "okay." "I guess." "Good-bye." "i... i can't shake the feeling" "That i somehow belong here." "look at this." "Your church has some neat activities lined up." "Singles mixer tomorrow." "That sounds fun." "Oh." "Is that tomorrow?" "judy." "All the singles... um... i-i'd love to dip my toes off the clock." "just as roger." "It's not my name; it's just what i would come back as." "I'm kidding." "Not about coming back." "I'm coming back." "But about my name." "My name is roger." "So many jokes all of a sudden." "i guess i'm nervous." "I'm not!" "Can i interject?" "roger." "If that's your name." "I had trouble following your very funny joke." "i can't wait to meet more of the congregation no." "Crap." "We don't have a congregation." "Right." "Crap." "But we're all single!" "lying about having a fake church is probably immoral." "And lying to the irs is definitely illegal. am i right?" "come on." "We're saving a small-time aquarium." "And saving souls." "Maybe." "You don't know." "really bad idea." "what?" "mother." "it sounds fun." "Singles mixer for a good cause." "Let's go." "Why not?" "because it's fraud?" "Right?" "Anybody?" "What?" "Don't you want to say you saved an aquarium?" "You owe it to the fish." "With all those poops you've flushed i'll go." "what do you say?" "Are you kidding?" "I was born single." "But she can take a cab." "she can still see shapes." "you're all devout aquaticists." "Did i hear something about a singles mixer? But i'm always stacking backups!" "huh?" "It's awkward and sad." "That feels right." "We might be good here." "C-can i ask you something?" "Where did you find this amazing jewelry?" "It's like fish but jewelry." "I love it." "You love the jewelry?" "Yeah." "Nobody loves the jewelry." "i make it myself." "You made all these?" "Did you go to jewelry school or something?" "No." "Did you go to irs school?" "You wish." "now i'm worried." "This might be going too well." "That guy is having way too much fun." "Isn't that good?" "No." "He's never going to leave." "He's gonna want to come back week after week" "To services that don't exist." "How long do we have to keep coming to this place?" "Are we gonna have to raise our children in this church?" "we got to make him" "Reconsider a life of aquaticism." "you are really starting i'm n... i'm..." "I-i am feeling it." "Aquaticism isn't for everyone. challenging." "Challenging?" "How so?" "you have to..." "Submerge yourself in the jellyfish tank." "you do?" "Yeah." "D..." "Judy." "do you." "Yeah." "Don't jellyfish sting?" "you better believe it." "They sting and sting and sting and sting ow." "ow." "It's awful! Except your penis." "But it's the only way to show you're truly dedicated." "you can't go and you have to sleep in your jeans." "that's aquaticism for ya." "Have fun at the mixer!" "That should do it." "hello." "I'm bob." "Hello." "I'm linda." "I noticed you sauntering over here." "i noticed you drinking over here." "a lot." "Seems like a single fella like you is using his charm on me." "Is that what i'm seeing?" "I might be making yeah." "I love sandwiches." "you smell like you do." "interesting." "You got a toothbrush at home or you still shopping around?" "use yours?" "was it?" "My charm alarm is ringing off the hook." "Should i let it go to voice mail and we keep talking?" "it's an alarm that has voice mail?" "I don't..." "Get it." "single people at this mixer it was casually at services." "teddy." "I'm bob." "it's rather tight." "It's from prom." "Not my prom." "who wants a drink?" "You?" "You?" "You?" "bob?" "You want a drink?" "You look like you could use one." "i don't... calm down." "bob." "It's fun." "it's fun!" "He's... so i didn't like that." "I'm gonna go..." "Look at some fish." "my god!" "I love this song!" "who wants to touch the crabs in my touch tank?" "look at this!" "It's called a tuscaloosa twister!" "whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Ooh!" "So violent and uncomfortable-looking!" "Yep!" "mort!" "Dancing away! so positive?" "probably!" "then i am ready." "You're taking off your shoes." "That's fun." "you're taking off your..." "Shirt." "Yeah." "I'm sure there's a reason for that." "There we go." "i have a question." "Why did you take off all your clothes?" "Because i am ready to face my fears." "I am ready to join aquaticism!" "Oh." "I am ready to get into that jellyfish tank!" "Yeah!" "Let's all get tanked!" "i know." "i don't." "But i want to experience it." "I want to join the church. um... stinging season." "I don't know if i'll have the nerve another time." "It's-it's got to be now!" "so do i go into shock?" "Is there a medic on hand?" "there's a mortician." "Hello!" "I'm not sure what's happening." "Okay." "Here we go." "One!" "Two!" "Aquaticism!" "It's fake!" "It's fake!" "It's all fake!" "It's not a real religion!" "We lied to get out of paying taxes!" "they're not stinging me." "did you just say it's all fake?" "No." "Come on out." "Your skin's gonna get all pruny." "seriously." "Did you just say aquaticism is a fake religion?" "Can you please just get out?" "!" "We can talk about this outside the jellyfish tank!" "judy!" "Irs guy!" "Get out of the tank!" "So is this whole place fake?" "!" "too?" "because i'm not even getting stu... god!" "Oh!" "there are some children here for you." "Did you order three children?" "i didn't." "But send them down." "must be nice." "you guys are here because...?" "We heard you're not gonna prosecute judy for tax fraud." "the aquarium is still closing but better than going to jail." "Yay." "So we came to give you this "we're sorry" card." "We didn't mean for you to get hurt." "We just wanted you to believe the church was real." "And then you joined it." "And then we didn't know what to do." "we must have done quite a job to make a smart guy like you" "Believe in our fishy shtick." "there were red flags." "everything was a red flag." "Even our red flags?" "Yeah." "I guess i was just blinded..." "By judy." "she's just really great." "you had a crush on judy? But i guess i was into judy." "You should call her!" "Go to her." "Nah." "She doesn't want to see me." "i'm very busy." "Excuse me while i apply my medicated lotion." "could you not do that?" "It's just the smell." "I'm sorry." "right." "I guess i'll just itch and be in pain." "kids?" "don't give up on judy." "But you two sea cucumbers took it in." "And maybe pooped out love." "Or at least a date." "Possibly? That case is closed." "Thanks for coming!" "Yes!" "A ten-dollar tip!" "Look at this." "look at this ten-dollar bill." "huh?" "You're like a runaway charm train." "excuse me." "Hello." "And welcome." "Right this way." "huh?" "Getting the big tips." "Kinda." "And i swapped it out for a ten." "The poor schmuck needed a win." "right?" "just kidding." "Right?" "you think you might want to give roger a chance?" "i'm sure he was just being nice." "He doesn't want to go out with a tax cheat like me." "We're just gonna take a little trip to the beach." "That's all." "judy." "Roger?" "I thought i smelled that lotion." "i-i didn't get a chance to say some things" "The last time we saw each other." "those paramedics were in such a rush." "I had a thought." "That's why i came over." "You could keep this place in business" "By renting it out for parties." "Like the aquaticism party." "But with less tax fraud." "You think that would work?" "it's a thought." "Might help your bottom line." "That's accounting talk. maybe?" "not just where we're both trying" "To drink out of it at the same time..." "Okay." "Let's do it!" "The two-cup thing." "Or the one." "Either one." "I'm open." "Great!" "we could do the two now and then..." "Is this going well?" "I can't tell." "This is going really well." "i didn't get what you saw in this place." "But i-i kind-kinda get it now." "Mm-hmm." "You guys want to stay for a little while" "And kinda jellyfish out?" "that one's dead." "you want" "To look at that one?" "On it!" "look at this!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!"