"I'm Agent Rick Martinez." "Let me be the first to welcome you to the CIA." "And this is the story of America's great house of spies." "You've heard of office politics?" "Ours come with poison pills and guns." "Spy trap." "I knew this was going to be a fiasco." "I've been assigned to a special covert unit, conceived to go where others can't and to do what others won't, whether the mission's authorized or not." "We each have our own special skills, Martinez." "I lead, Billy charms people," "Casey hurts people, and you translate." "We are the ODS, last of the old-school spies." "The threat of unsecured nuclear material falling into the hands of terrorist organizations is the world's number one security threat" "Russian nuclear energy companies topping our concerns." "All right, there's Albert." "That's Albert Boskiv," "Soviet criminal insider, and our snitch." "Spent time with the Red Mob." "Whom he managed very seriously to tick off." "They put a contract out on him." "We smuggled him out of the country in exchange for him agreeing to be our asset." "That greasy gopher has a direct pipeline to all things illegal coming out of Russia." "Including nuclear materials." "Well, if he's our asset, why am I tailing him?" " Why don't I just go talk to him?" " Because you need field practice, and it's a perfect opportunity for you to spread your wings." "Take it seriously, though;" "Albert's got a dark side." "No telling what he'll do if he catches you following him." "* *" "* *" "I was looking for the Metro..." "My Russian's a bit rusty." "Does that mean he's happy to see us?" "I wouldn't be." "Good doggie." "No, no, no, no, no-- bad dog!" "Bad doggie..." "Hey!" "Thanks for taming that beast for us." "We usually like dogs, but that one was all teeth and bitterness." "Wait a second..." "You knew he had a dog?" "You were counting on that dog chasing me, weren't you?" "We work for the CIA." "We tend to be well-informed about these things." "Here's the thing, Albert-- as our confidential informant, it's been two years since you've given us anything remotely useful." "We can't justify keeping you on payroll." "We've been authorized by the United States Government to cut professional ties, so here is your severance package." "They're stinky and unfiltered-- a fitting reflection of our respect." "Hey." "Hey wait, wait." "Guys!" "I..." "I have something." "If it's not worth a two-year wait, we don't want to hear it." "This... what I have..." "It is worth many years of waiting." "Your mail's been piling up at our house." "I thought you filed a change of address." "I did, a year ago." "Oh, and you know, by the way, half of those letters are from your mom." "Did you not tell her that we were separated?" "Divorced, Michael." "We agreed to sell the house." "It's not yours to keep." "I'm just waiting for the market to bounce back." "And who knows, we could solve our problems, hug it out..." "I'm kind of busy right now, Michael." "Okay." "One last thing." "We have a lead on black-market Uranium." "You know Viktor Gershan." "Lead scientist at the Chelyabinsk nuclear facility?" "Was lead scientist." "He was laid off last year." "And our agent in Amsterdam says that Viktor's hard-up for money, and looking to sell ten kilograms of high-grade enriched uranium." "He's speaking at an energy conference in Volgograd this weekend." "This is the perfect place to make a sale." "Iran will be there, Syria..." "Is this solid intel?" "Yeah, mostly solid." "It came from Albert Boskiv." "So it's junk." "Higgins would never go for it." "You know how he is." "To get anything approved in Russia, the intel better be airtight." "I know he doesn't want to take a risk." "That's why I need you to talk to Higgins." "Soft-sell the mission proposal for me." "I am not going to lie to the director so you can run off chasing sketchy intel." "Sketchy intel?" "Look..." "Fay, we can't know if the intel is solid until we go into Russia and look into it." "And we can't go into Russia until we know the intel is solid." "You see my dilemma?" "Get us to that conference, send us on a different mission." "I need a moment with the director." "Yeah." "He's tied up all day on high-level budget calls." "It's important." "Not my problem." "You got an emergency?" "Run it through the deputy director." "So... inspection of Volgograd pesticide storage facilities." "You want to send the ODS." "Yes." "How is it a security concern?" "We have solid intel that the Russians have been transporting tons of unregulated pesticides into Western Europe by rail." "It's an environmental disaster waiting to happen." "Thank you." "This is our "lamp shade" design, very popular as disguises go." "It's hard to go wrong with this one." "Consists of 942 individually placed follicles-- provide the natural variations usually overlooked in traditional facial hair replication, which is why my mustaches look so absolutely convincing." "Your cover I.D. kit." "Memorize it." "Oh, no." "No, no, no, no." "That has to go." "What?" "!" "It's beautiful." "It's absolutely convincing." "Yeah, until it peels off at the first big sneeze." "Aah!" "That took 70 hours to weave." "Look, forget disguises." "They're not worth the risk." "Especially when spying in Russia, you do not want to end up eaten by wolves." "Wolves?" "In Volgograd?" "That's right." "Sometimes I forget." "You're barely out of nappies." "Follow me." "Memorial Wall." "One of those stars is for an operative who flew low-level communication intercept missions over southern Russia." "His plane went down within months of Gary Powers' release." "KGB caught him, accused the U. S. of spying." "We, of course, denied such a thing." "Then he was disavowed by the agency." "I don't understand." "What do wolves have to do with the story?" "The agency knew that our man had survived the plane crash." "The official story told to his family was that he was likely... eaten by wolves." "In truth, he wasted away in some Russian prison." "But that was then... right?" "Cold War's been over a long time." "Trust me..." "In Russia, the wolves are still out." "And they're as hungry as ever." "A whole new identity." "Who are you?" " I am, once again, the pride of Scotland, as co-owner of a successful wind farming company." " With me." "Billy and I will be attending the energy conference as partners." "Isn't that right, laddie?" "Please, don't-don't do that." "It-it's..." "Have you got your cover memorized?" "Quiz me." "Where are you from?" "Kansas City." "Job?" "I sell life insurance;" "specializing in annuity vesting." "Parents' names?" "Glen and Sheryl." "How'd they meet?" "Wow." "Was that in there?" "No." "I'm just curious." "Oh, uh... they met through friends." "No, no." "No, no." "They-they met at a bar." "They-they met at a bar through friends..." "And off to the fingernail factory he goes." "You know what I don't get?" "If I sell life insurance, then what am I doing at an energy conference?" "You and Casey won't be going to the energy conference." "You're running backup on this mission." "Handle communications." " Backup?" " You and I will be attending a separate conference at the same hotel." "Russian brides?" "Yeah, you two will be lovelorn losers looking for brides." "And I will be keeping my fingers firmly crossed for both of you." "* *" "Welcome to the land of love." "Right this way, gentlemen." "Follow me." "This will be big success." "I have never seen such a handsome group of men." "Lucky women." "Lucky, lucky women." "2:00" " Isn't that...?" "Udi from Mossad." "Yeah, I saw him, too." "And that's not all." "That guy in the blue leather jacket at the hors d'oeuvre table?" "Ah, Jean Pierre." "That jackass from French Intelligence." "Face in the trough, as usual." "And I've seen others." "No signs of Victor." "It's like a bloody spy convention." "Word must've gotten out." "All right." "All clear, we can talk." "How's it going?" "I'm good for phones." "And I got to say," "I hate working backup." "Listen, Martinez, if you want to do this kind of work, you got to stop worrying about the job you're not doing, and focus on the job you're expected to do." "But my job is to do nothing." "Exactly." "Now, come on-- let's get going." "Lucky, lucky women are waiting for us in the bar." "Yeah." "* *" "* *" "Hi." "Do you speak English?" "Yes, I speak very, very good English." "I..." "Hi." "Speak English?" "Not a word?" "Perfect." "Come on." "Good one for you." "You." "Come." "Hi." "Hello." "Hope to float next year." "Anyway, that's me there." "Colin Bailey." "And remember, you can't go wrong with Scottish wind farming." "362 days of pelting rain and howling wings." "And the finest golf on the planet." "Look forward to hearing from you." "Edwin." "Colin." "There's our man Victor." "Right behind you." "Just landed a contract with our Norwegian friends, so the drinks are on me." "What are you having, mate?" "Vodka." "One for me and my boy, and another for, uh..." "Victor, here." "So, Victor, what type of work brings you to the conference?" "I am retired." "Retired?" "!" "But you still come to the conferences." "Like to keep your hand in the business?" "Something like that." "You know what I think, Victor?" "I think you retired too early." "You don't fold your tent till you've got enough stashed away to be able to drink this instead of that." "It's not a well-paying profession, as you know." "Oh, it could be." "Hmm?" "If one had, for example, a tangible asset that could be converted to cash." "In your mind, what would be comfortable cushion to have?" "$250,000." "Depending on the quality of the tangible asset in question, of course." "I think you gentlemen right." "We should talk more about retirement plans, before you leave." "That would be our pleasure." "Kansas City?" "Is nice place?" "Yes, it's, it's very nice." " What is there to see?" " Oh, lots." "Lots." "Um..." "Art galleries, museums, the Royals." "Royals?" "The Kansas City Royals." "Baseball team." "I would love to see baseball one day." "Hm." "You will take me to a game?" "Yeah." "I-I mean, sure." "Why not?" "You don't like me, do you?" "Sure I like you." "I like you a lot." "You seem like... a very nice person." "Well, it's nice to meet you." "Jean Pierre-- how someone that inept has managed to stay alive all these years, I'll never know." "Bonjour." "Ah!" "Ça va, Jean Pierre." "What brings you to beautiful Volgograd?" "Thought I would do a little shopping." "Same with us." "What a coincidence." "Put your money away, Michael." "The merchandise you want has already been sold." "To me." "In fact, it is being gift-wrapped this very minute up on the sixth floor." "So, mes amis... bonsoir." "It doesn't make any sense-- why would Victor want to make a deal with us, if he already had a buyer?" "If you can't trust an unemployed nuclear scientist desperate for money, then..." "What?" "Come on." "Slow down!" "What, what are you thinking?" "Victor wants both of us to try and get the uranium." "See, you got adrenaline on your side right now." "I don't." "He's not selling it to anybody." "He's using it as bait." "Victor's working with Russian Intelligence." "It's a spy trap." "Yeah, and we walked right into it." "Spy trap?" "We're certain the ODS has not yet been compromised, correct?" "So far." "But they already made contact with Victor." "Exposure risk remains high." "This should never have happened." "Oh?" "The mission was completely misrepresented." "Fay pulled a fast one on me." "What can we do about the ODS?" "It's already being done." "We have a highly placed agent in Volgograd." "A car will drive the ODS out of the city." "The less said about the details, the better." "Well, that's, that's good news." "Glad I can put a little sunshine into your day." "To make this extraction work, the agent will be exposed." "Seven years of hard Agency work to place this agent, gone." "Poof." "Just to clean up after a screwup." "Yes, but..." "You can go." "Car'll be here in less than two hours." "Then off we'll go, mission unaccomplished." "Doesn't sit well." "At least we know the Russians have the uranium." "And you find that comforting?" "They may be using that uranium as bait right now, but eventually it will get sold to the wrong people." "It's love of the ruble, not love of the motherland, that drives Russia these days." "Uh..." "Irina." "Hi." "I... brought us some drinks." "I hope that's okay." "Uh, yeah." "These are, uh, these are my friends here." "Good night." "Um..." "What... what should I do?" "Maintain your cover." "You like?" "Yeah... yeah, yeah, you look... very nice." "Don't you want me?" "Did you really come here to find a wife?" "Yeah, of course." "Then let me show you the wife I would be for you." "Irina, I..." "I can't take you to the States." "Why not?" "It's not you, it's... it's this." "I..." "I made a mistake coming on this tour." "I, I..." "I don't want to find my wife like this." "I'm sorry." "It's all right." "No, I, I feel terrible." "No." "You are a good man." "You could have told me all this 20 minutes from now." "Fay!" "Oh, you know that pesticide thing in Volgograd?" "Spy trap." "Don't worry, we're pulling them out." "Did they confirm the uranium?" "I believe so." "Does uranium qualify as a pesticide?" "Adele, I should have been straight with you, and I apologize." "Oh, no apology, please." "No, I owe you one." "I know you owe me one, but I'm not going to accept it, because if I do, then I'd be forced to forgive you." "And I'm not ready to do that." "Which makes this, right now, a little awkward-- socially." "Yeah." "Is this intended to make me worry about you?" "Don't worry about me." "Not right now." "No, right now... you need to worry about Higgins." "* *" "Can I ask you a question?" "Um, why are you here?" "You don't want to hear this." "No, I do." "I want to go to America." "Life is hard here." "America, to me, seems like such a hopeful place." "There are plenty of other guys who would marry you right now." "Who, them?" "I'm desperate, but I'm not crazy." "Uh..." "Irena, I have to, uh..." "I have to go." "I mean, I got to..." "Irina." "Oh, no." "What?" "It's my ex-boyfriend." "Wait, hey..." "I think it's time for you to go home." "Alec!" "Alec..." "All right, we're good." "We're good." "We're good." "Okay." "Okay." "Car's here-- we only have a couple minutes." "Forget about the car." "There's been a glitch." "Come on." "This is..." "That's not good." "Hey" "Did they let you go?" "I just got to pay a fine." "Stick to your story and we're out of here, get me?" "Excuse me." "Please, pay fine over there." "Sir." "So I have gone over file that you filled out." "And you came from Kansas City to look for Russian wife?" "That's right." "And where do you work?" "Central Kansas Life Insurance." "Top employee three months in a row." "Nice." "Yeah." "You live on Dodson Avenue?" "1701 Dodson Avenue." "It's close to downtown." "Easy commute." "Hmm." "Is, uh... the number-- the number you call for work?" "Yes." "Good." "Please call." "Call my work?" "Access code is 810." "Welcome to Pizza Barn." "Can I take your order?" "Hello?" "I must have dialed the wrong number." "No, you didn't." "You dialed correctly." "Which one is work then?" "Insurance company in Kansas City or pizza restaurant in Boise, Idaho?" "So everything good here?" "Sir, you're finished." "Please go." "Your friend stays." "Go." "Sure." "Are you certain 100% his cover's blown?" "Sky high." "But it was just the captain though?" "Local cop, no Russian intelligence?" "Not yet, but it's just a matter of time, Michael." "The kid knew his cover inside and out, but technical services screwed him six ways to Sunday with a bad work number." "When we get back," "I am putting my thumb straight through somebody's throat." "Have you notified HQ?" "My next call, but what are they going to do?" "They'll either disavow or make a trade." " We need to get him ourselves." " I got it covered." "You sound surprisingly confident, Malick." "I'm not." "So you work for" "Central Kansas Life Insurance Company which is also a barn for pizza?" "Come on, help me understand this." "I lied." "Okay." "I don't have a job." "The company fired me, like, a year ago." "But I couldn't come here and expect one of these women, one of these beautiful women would want to come home with a guy who's living off of unemployment benefits." "There is an energy conference in town." "It has brought much excitement and money to Volgograd, which we need." "But it has also brought the GRU." "The..." "GRU?" "Russian intelligence." "And they would be suspicious of any American who comes to Volgograd telling lies." "Wait a minute." "You think I'm some sort of spy?" "I don't know what to think." "And that is causing me, um distress." "Have we had any calls from the GRU?" "Nothing yet." "Assuming that the Russians are willing to make a trade for Martinez," "What might we expect them to ask for in return?" "We're currently holding their Chechnyan field director." "An agent with personal ties to Putin." "A former KGB officer who managed to worm his way into Lehman Brothers." "So it would be a lopsided trade." "Definitely." "So common sense dictates that we walk away." "Are we seriously considering disavowing?" "Every option has to be considered because we're screwed." "And we're screwed because someone fed this department a reckless soft sell." "Let's try and get Collins, Malick and Dorset out of Russia with the bride tour." "Be sure to paper customs channels ahead of them." "Make it rain money if you have to." "And Martinez?" "We buy some time." "If the Russians contact us, we ignore the first call-- say we don't know what they're talking about in the second call, and hope there's not a third." "So many love matches." "So much romance." "It make my heart soar." "Come with me." "My buddy is in jail." "I cannot help you." "I have a business to run." "Fine." "You want to talk business, let's talk business." "Because if this isn't fixed," "I am now not taking home a bride and my buddy in jail is not taking home a bride." "And that's two commissions you'll never see." "Believe me when I tell you that I could end five of these marriages in less than a minute." "You want me to start telling these simpletons how many of their hot Russian brides are already married here in Russia?" "Or point out how many of them already have kids they're hiding, and they're planning on springing on them, right when they get back to the States?" "They will not believe anything you say." "They are not like you." "They are blind with love." "Okay..." "My stomach is upset." "It's where I keep my worry." "My friend is in trouble, and you are going to fix it, because if you don't, I will rip you in half!" "Okay." "Now let's get this going." "Um, what did you say in there, anyway?" "He asked me if I believed you came to Russia to find a wife." "I told him you did." "And that you found one." "She's no dummy." "She just talked her way into America." "Let's go." " Good luck with your happily ever after, yeah?" " Yeah." "Here are your visa packets." "Have them notarized and you can start your fairy tale." "Hear you're getting married." "We are most definitely going to Vegas for your stag do." "It's a scam marriage." "All the more reason to celebrate." "Casey, tour guide cooperated?" "He's agreed to put your passports in the stack." "He'll rubber stamp them at the airport." "Good." "How much time do we have?" "How much do you need?" "15." "We're going back up." "What?" "We came here for the uranium, we're leaving with the uranium." "Michael has strong feelings about the threat of loose nuclear materials." "Plus, Fay's ass is on the line." "She stuck her neck out for us on this one." "We go back empty-handed, she may be out of a job." "We'll hold the bus." "Gentlemen, come in." "Can I get you both a drink?" "Oh, no." "No, thank you." "How about we get the show on the road?" "Sure." "Here it is." "Where is money?" "Nice." "You know, we should go up there." "They may need us." "You're probably not wrong." "But, if we leave this bus, it's gonna leave without us." "You go." "I'll hold the bus." "That's really ten kilograms, huh?" "What?" "You've got something stuck in your teeth." "No, it's still there." "Really?" "This is bothering you now?" "I can't help it." "Sorry." "Apologies." "That kind of thing really creeps me out." "What are you talking about?" "There's nothing in my teeth." "Don't move." "Good God, laddie, you didn't have to kill him." "Two wives." "Excuse me?" "This is my business." "Two seats on the bus will cost you two wives." "Should I break his neck?" "The man does have to make a living." "Visa packets, and visa packets." "Congratulations." "Our grandchildren are going to love this story." "* *" "* *" "Come in." "You wanted to see me?" "You know, they say disappointment can wear away at the soul." "And this job specializes in disappointment." "I'm ready for whatever punishment you see fit." "I'm not going to fire you." "I'm not even going to punish you." "You're too valuable to me." "If I punish you, I'm cutting off my right hand." "I'd rather you cut off your right hand." "You're great at your job." "You just have one flaw;" "one blind spot." "Deal with it." "Since when is our house on the market?" "We agreed to move on, and that means selling the house." "We've dragged our heels long enough." "I thought maybe securing ten kilograms of weapons-grade uranium from the Russians and making you look brilliant in the process would have bought some good will." "Stop, Michael, please." "Just making a joke." "This isn't a joke." "I almost lost my job over this." "It's like I decide things, and it's good, and then you affect me." "I can't keep doing this." "Okay." "We'll sell the house." "So that's where we are." "I promised her she could stay." "It's the least we can do." "A little tricky." "I mean, technically, this doesn't fall into the category of political asylum." "All she's looking for is a better future." "Nothing more than what we all want." "And she's adorable." "Don't you think?" "She... uh..." "Yeah, I guess." "Well, I'm thinking she would be happy living in Phoenix." "Yeah." "So..." "Okay, thank you." "You okay, Martinez?" "Yeah." "It's just..." "I could've been one of these stars." "We all could have." "Well, I think we deserve a night of havoc and debauchery in honor of our shotgun marriages and speedy divorces." "Agreed." "And drinks are on me." "To what miracle do we owe this burst of generosity?" "Don't ask questions." "It's a free drink." "I'm coming into money." "Decided to sell my house." "Hold the elevator."