"After a weekend with Sam, it's always sad driving him the 37 minutes back to Kim's house" "Still, there was one positive." "Elliot's a bit territorial." "So if I got any physical contact from Kim..." "Your collar is messed up." "On the way home, Elliot made me pull over for car sex." "I know I shouldn't exploit her insecurities." "But car sex really appeals to my exhibitionist side." "Here we are." "That bitch better watch her hands." "Hi, Kim." "JD, you have fuzz in your hair." "I know." "I put it there." "I need to tell you guys something." "It didn't matter what Kim had to say." "Elliot was already in car sex mode." "To save time, I'll just take off my underwear here." "Whatever is good for you." "Nothing could stop this train." "You know." "Unless Kim was dating Elliot's stupid ex-boyfriend." "You know what sucks?" "I have to hire a new Chief or Surgery." "And I just can't fathom giving any of you tiny-brained scalpel jockeys a leadership position." "Honestly, so far, this is the only candidate who I'm seriously considering." "The guy has the opposable thumbs so you automatically know he can handle the job." "And I was just thinking if you slap a diaper on him and maybe tape some glasses to his face, sure as shooting he'll look professional enough." "Do you know what?" "I'm gonna call the gentleman." " I'd be great at that job." " Then go for it." "Chief of Surgery?" "Baby, one of the most amazing things about you is that when you want something badly enough, you always make it happen." "Remember when you first started working here." "And I had no interest in dating you, what did you do?" "I made it happen." "And what about when I had no interest in marrying you?" "I made it happen!" "Go make this happen." "I'm doing it." "Even though you didn't use to like me," " I'm your world now, right?" " My whole word." "That's what I'm talking about." "No, thanks." "So how's married life?" "You have to make compromises." "Like my wife's allergic to raccoons." "So I had to throw out my comforter." "How was your honeymoon?" "Did you know that Kelso stayed in the Bahamas too?" "I love you." "I love you too." "Let's never leave." "Yeah, we saw him." "Yeah, I'm sorry." "I was so blitzed with rum drinks I could barely remember where I was." "I feel horrible." "Oh no, stop it." "At first, you were like the third wheel from hell, but then we made you do stuff." "Made you pay for our meals." "Got you in a couple bar fights." "On the beach, we bet you you couldn't eat a starfish." " And?" " I owe you a buck." " So you had fun with it?" " Oh yeah." "Good." "Folks, I'm sorry but we have to close." "Our pastry maker was just admitted to the hospital with a highly contagious intestinal virus." "What the hell." "I'm already in it." "I need to check myself in." "For what?" "For that." "So we've been dating about a month and I just didn't want to say anything until I knew it was gonna go somewhere." "Well, we hit a little speed bump when I first found out that Sam was your baby." "Yeah, he got drunk and asked me to sell him on the black market." " She wouldn't, but..." " Oh that's sweet." "I just don't understand how you two even met." "Did someone introduce you?" "I love you." "Sweetie, it was over a year ago." "You and I weren't even together." "I figured at most they could end up friends." "Well, you also told me he was great in the sack." "Kim, I will kill you." "He's not, sweetie." "[mouthing] You are." "S08E16:" "My Cuz" "See you then." "They're coming by for lunch so we can hear everything out" " and get past all this weirdness." " Sean's coming here?" "You don't realize how much it sucks to spend time with someone you used to sleep with." "You used to sleep with Kim, and I have to see her every week." " That's totally different." " How?" "I don't know." "I'm not some genius that knows why things that seem the same are actually very different." "Be crazier." "Did you put on that Cologne I hate to punish me?" "That's insane." "Insanely true." "Go." "Now, I know I gave all of you 5-1 odds, but no one stitches an orange faster than me." "No one." "I am a... god." " Done." " Damn it!" "Good." "This is where you interns are located." "Here I was worried you were out taking care of sick people." "Finished." "Oh crap." "Leave." "I'll take that." " I heard you were looking for me." " Yes." "I want officially put my name in for the Chief of Surgery." "That's a good one." "Laugh all you want but I'm still getting that job." "I know we don't always get along personally." "But in my defense, it's because you're a huge jackass." "I'm the best cutter in this place." "And you know it." "When you put it that way, you compel me to consult with a decision committee." "Say, Perry?" "Yes, Perry." "Listen, I was wondering." "Can Dr. Turk here be the new Chief of Surgery?" "Well," "I haven't hit the bottle yet today, so I'm not that drunk." "The answer is no." "Not in this lifetime." "Sorry there." "I did everything possible." "Strength." " How are you feeling?" " Not great." "But now, when I hurl, I've been trying to say the names of my favorite novels so that's fun." "Look." "I'm sure I just have an enterovirus, so order me 40 cc of..." "No, you are not a doctor here anymore." "You will not treat yourself." "I'm sticking the interns on you." "Come on!" "What happened to your sleeve there, Tex?" "I sewed on orange on to it." "I'll take the foreigner." "I'm so happy!" "I dropped Sam off at the daycare upstairs and they seemed really good with him, didn't they?" " There were good." "It was good." " Oh, good good." "Good things are good." "So it's good." "Stop saying "good", Sean." "You sound like an ass." "You said it too." "He said "good"." "No I didn't, Sean." "Can you believe this guy?" "I need to talk to Kim." "Let's divide up." "I vote yes." " You said "good"." " Nobody cares, Sean." "Nobody cares." "Am I gonna have an office this fancy when I'm the Chief of Surgery?" "It's dangerous to try to reason with delusional people so I'm just gonna go about my business." "Okay, I'll go." "But only because it's time for my peer recommendation." "Right here, buddy." "I get embarrassed when people say nice things about me." "Handle your business." "Dr. Turk should be chief because he's skilled technically, super-efficient." "He's got an awesome dong." "He's great with laparoscopic procedures." "Patients love him..." "What was that middle one?" "Laparoscopic?" "So, you are the best he could muster up?" "No, I'm not the only one." "We all want Turk." "You want him to be the Chief of Surgery?" "That depends." "Does he get a special chief hat, like a Police Chief?" "If you give him the job, and I make him a hat, will you force him to wear it?" "I was thinking like an old-time scuba diver helmet." "Hello." "You need a new colon." "Is that a maybe?" "You're ready to do this?" "Let's hear some crap out." "I feel guilty because we used to be friends and now I resent you so much for having a baby with JD that sometimes I dream about you dying." "Also, if you ever even touch JD, I have sex with him in the car in front of a random creepy bicyclist that JD thinks I don't see." " That sounds healthy." " I think it is." "Look, if it makes you feel any better," "I used to dream about you dying all the time." " Really?" " Yeah." "Seriously." " What are the women talking about?" " I'm not psychic, Sean." "But they better not be all chummy chatting about which one of us is better in bed." "They're women." "They don't talk about that." "JD's better at sex." "Sean's better at foreplay." "JD's great at foreplay." "He just takes the "play" part literally so you've got to embrace all of his games, you know, his..." ""Nooks and Crannies", "Upsy Daisies"." ""Who's in There?", followed after by "What's in There?"" " "Mr. Peep Tries on Hats"." " Love that one." "It's not fair that we still have to be in each other's lives." "I know." "But I also know the girls aren't gonna let up until we make peace." "So what do you say we change the tone a little bit and both say something nice about each other?" "I'll go first." "Look at you." "There's no way around it." "You're a beautiful man." " Thank you, JD." " Now you go." " I never agreed to that." " Beautiful son of a bitch." "We need to stop seeing each other as enemies." "Sean, you and I have had sex with the same women." "Therefore, we're wiener cousins." "And where I come from, this right here..." "Stronger than family." " That's ridiculous." " Is it ridiculous, fellas?" "Nurse Roberts." "Both of them." "One night." "May she rest in peace." "Cuz?" "I'm not hooking fingers." "It won't be official." "We touched, it counts." "I'm just putting an IV in, okay?" "Sir?" "Sir?" "Are you okay?" "One-nothing, Bobbo." "Good one." "Hold still." "Damn it, we're even." "That wasn't a vein, was it?" "That's okay, sweetheart." "You're probably just nervous." "So why don't you go get a cup of water to relax and we'll try it again." "Thanks." "I'll be right back." "Take your time." "The Grapes of..." "The Grapes of..." "Wrath!" "I'm so proud of you for working things out with Sean." "What can I say?" "He's my wiener cuz." "Kim and I are bajingo sisters." " You always wanted one of those." " I know!" "There's Sammy." "It's okay." "It's okay." "As a parent, you realize there are things much more annoying than your child crying in your ear." "Someday, he'll lie to your face." "Who placed that IV?" "Another intern did it." "Or he'll relentlessly pester you for a toy he wants." "You're gonna give me that job or what?" "He's a little sad." "Can you take him?" "He never cries when Sean holds him." "Still, nothing really matters as long as you know in your heart that your child loves you the most." "Better, little man." "Bye, guys." " What was that?" " Don't worry about it." "So Sam stopped crying the second Sean picked him up, huh?" " It's harsh." " I know." "JD was a little quiet last night." "But I'm proud of him, he's really handling it well." "Your plan to sex up my old girlfriend so you can turn my baby boy against me is over." "Hey, buddy." "No, what's wrong?" "What's wrong?" "It's okay." "How are you doing this?" "Are you a sorcerer?" "I heard you were hiring Dr. Turk as the new Chief of Surgery." " Told her the good news." " It's not happening." "I have tried to communicate that message to you every single way I know how but you won't hear it." "Honestly, the only option I have left is to concentrate really hard and see if I can shoot my actual message right into your big bald head." "I know you don't want to give me the job." "My god." "It worked." "This is a terrific day for science." "Time to call in the closer." "A word." "Why do you always have your wife fight your battles for you?" "I do." "Get him, woman." " What are you doing?" " I'm doctoring my file." " What are you doing?" " I'm making this special hat in case Black Doctor gets the Chief of Surgery job." "I need you to guard this door while I take care of some business." "Why should I?" "You know why." "The bond that can't be broken." "That was 20 years ago, but..." "I'll honor the code." "You seemed so happy in the Bahamas." "How come you left?" "I thought it was a nude beach." " It was a church, Bob." " So?" "Fine." "I'll go." "Hey, stop him!" "It was time to go." "Oh, good." "Someone already gave him the shot." "Can I have that?" "I want to put it on something I'm making." " I don't think that's okay." " It's a hat." "I'm gonna hang on to this." "See, he's fine now." "But when I get close." "Doesn't make any sense." "Unless of course someone is shocking him by pressing a remote control button." " What's that in your hand, Sean?" " Yogurt." "What's at the bottom of it?" " Peach." "Peaches." " Give me that." "You're clean." " See what he did to my last yogurt?" " I know." "Calm down." "And he said "good" yesterday, I heard him." "You know what?" "Give us a minute to talk." "Come on." "What the hell are you doing?" "I don't know." "Look, after my parents divorced, my dad really wasn't around for me." "And I promised myself I was gonna be a better father than he was." "Now, Sam cries like I'm some kind of stranger." "And I like that Sean has a relationship with him, I do." " Thanks, man." " I'm not talking to you, Sean." "You are a great dad." "Then why can't I hold him?" "Hi, guys." "If you don't stop treating yourself, I'm gonna have you strapped down." "Naughty." "And you..." "Just give Turk the job already." "He's a natural leader." "Plus I'm about to spit out a second kid, I could use the extra cash." "I knew damn sure you were gonna go ahead and make this personal." "Am I supposed to give him a job because you and I are such good friends?" "I wouldn't ask you if I didn't know he was right for it." "Bob, who's the best all-around surgeon in this place?" "Turkleton, hands down." "Kiss more butt, Bob." "And you're giving me lip for making this personal?" "The only reason you're not giving Turk this job is because of your personal feelings for him." " That's just not true." " Liar." "The Adventures of Huckleberry..." "The Adventures of Huckleberry..." "Don't puke on me, Bob." "Sorry." "Just a burp." "I know you're just trying to cheer me up." "No, trust me." "There have been times when I wanted to tell people you're a terrible dad." "But you're not." "You spend tons of time with Sam, call him every night so he can hear your voice." "You write him all those stories about unicorns." "Seriously..." " How do you come up with so many?" " They just come to me." " I got to get them out, you know?" " No, I don't know." " They're magical." " They're not." "Whatever is making Sam cry, it's not about you." "It's about him." "Babies are sensitive to all kinds of things." "Bright lights, temperature, new smells." "The Cologne I've been wearing to try and punish Elliot!" "Thanks for the shower and the loaner clothes." "Look at that face." "It's like he got all of our best features." "No, he got your chin." "I'm having a moment." "Bob, would you please close the back of that thing up?" "Calm down, Perry." "It's for the ladies." "I'm sure they're grateful." "Why did you check yourself in to the hospital for a glorified flu bug?" "In my defense, I thought I might also be dealing with some issues from eating raw starfish." "You know what I realized when I was treating myself?" "I miss being a doctor." "Now is your chance to get back to the game there, big guy." "Am I wrong to not hire Gandhi?" "I thought it was gonna be something doctory." " Of course you're wrong." " He bothers me." "Everybody bothers you." "Hell, you used to bother me when I was the Chief but I kept moving you up because you were the best man for the job." "Now, the question is," ""Is Turkleton the best man for the job?"" "Some pretty good stitches you got going there." "I used to be terrible at it, but Dr. Turk made us practice with oranges every day to get better." "Nice butt." "Thank you, darling." "Suck it, Perry." "Elliot came over later." "Even though it was better, I wouldn't say the awkwardness was totally gone." "Weird flashback, like the ghost of couples passed." "It's your house, It's your house." "It's so silly..." "Ladies should sit." "That's kinda weird." "We're the guests." "The guests." "The guests will sit on the couch." " That's where guests sit." " Can I get you guys anything?" "Wine, maybe?" " I'll have a yogurt." " Don't start." "You know what we should do?" "Sam's napping." "Let's watch this video I've been making of him." "There are moments in your life that make you realize what you've been missing." "Whether it's an old job..." "Or the best person for a new job." "Congratulations." "You're the new Chief of Surgery." " Say "Thank you"." " Thank you." "I told you." "I told you, baby!" "I told everyone." "Climb!" "I told everyone!" "Hail to the Chief!" "So there he is with his little red wagon." "And that's my cousin's puppy." "As I sat there, enjoying images from my son's young life," "I realized I was seeing these moments the same way Sean and Elliot were." "For the first time." "But truth is, no matter how hard I tried, I was gonna miss a lot of them." "Because even the best part-time father in the world... is still a part-time father." "I think I'm gonna move here." "Great." "I'm not wearing that." "It's not up to you." "Fine." "It is kinda cool." "I want it back." "Too late!" "Chief coming through!" "Salute!" "There it is!" "I'll just wear my other one."