"You're not going in with me." "Dad, relax." "I don't even know why you came up." "Hello, Walter." "Good to see you." "You remember my daughter Natalie?" " Of course." "How are you, Natalie?" " He's doing much better." "Thank you, Natalie." "They wouldn't let me out of the loony bin without an escort." "In Treatment, S02E29 Walter:" "Week Six" "I never thought I'd be happy to be back here." "But it feels good to get out of that place, even if it's only for an hour." "So you haven't been out at all this week?" "Yeah, a couple of times." "Connie and..." "Natalie took me to lunch." "And how was that?" "It was a cute little Irish place, actually, right across the street." "You probably would have liked it." "I had stew, soda bread." "Connie cried." "I sat there wondering if everyone in the restaurant made me for a guy being on lunch-leave from the rubber room." "I doubt they were thinking that, Walter." "It's humiliating." "My own daughter has to sign me out, sit in your waiting room, sign me back in like I'm a danger to society." "I think the fear is that you might be a danger to yourself." " Can I ask you something, Paul?" " Sure." "You said that this was one of the best facilities in the city?" "It is very highly regarded." "Then what are the rest of them like?" "I'm not complaining." "You've been there yourself a few times now." "It's clean, well lit." "Why don't you just tell me what it is that bothers you about the place?" "It's the staff:" "the therapists, social workers." "Maybe I've been spoiled by you, but these people, they just..." " They're just not very bright." " How do you mean?" "Well, you're either bright or you're not." "You can't fake it." "When I talk to you I don't have to explain myself." "You listen, you understand what I'm saying, you respond right away." "If I mention a name even once, you remember it the next time." "These people..." "They're just not up to speed." "I have to backtrack all the time." "Well, I think that you and I have a relationship, Walter." "And I can imagine how frustrating it must be to cover the same ground that we have in our sessions." "Yeah, but it's not only that." "They talk to me like I'm a four-year-old... or maybe an 80-year-old who has to have everything explained to him loudly and slowly." "So you feel patronized." "Yeah, exactly." "See, that's it." "That's what I mean..." "you understand me." "Well, to be honest, Walter, that wasn't a difficult one." "I've never felt patronized by you." "You respected me, I respected you." "We're equals." "I haven't really gotten that sense from you before, to be honest." " You haven't?" " Actually I've always felt that I've kind of annoyed you, that our talking together was a waste of your time." "For example, when I draw connections between your past and your present, you've belittled them." "And me." "If you felt that way, I'm sorry." "The truth is that right from that first blink test" "I could see you were top notch." "And yet, I think I remember that you questioned my academic credentials." "And didn't you run a background check on me?" "There's that memory of yours..." "it won't let go of any details." "You can see why I might be a little surprised to hear that you're now singing my praises." "Boy, you have a hard time taking a compliment, don't you?" "Maybe you should talk to somebody about that." "Okay, since... since you have so much respect for my understanding of you... can I be blunt?" "Absolutely." "Why are you sucking up to me?" " Excuse me?" " I think you're right, Walter." "I have tried to empathize with you and I know that I've made some mistakes, but I think I have a pretty fair idea of your opinion of me." "So I'll ask you again:" "why are you sucking up to me?" "Let me show you something." "What is it?" "It's a potholder." "I made it myself..." "in occupational therapy." "Tomorrow we're gonna glue little bits of tile together and make coasters." "I don't imagine you're the best candidate for occupational therapy." "I'm used to being the glue, Paul, not playing with it." "I'm sure that's not all you're doing in there." "No, of course not." "Then there's group therapy... which isn't only a waste of time, it's disturbing." "I just sit there and I listen to strangers talking about how this one was abandoned or that one was molested, and how angry they are at their parents." "So how do you feel about being on the same floor as these people?" "Well, I guess I'm supposed to relate to them or sympathize or you tell me." "But come on, Paul." "Two months ago I was a fully-engaged C.E.O., solving real-world problems." "And now I'm sitting between one person who likes to wear diapers and another one who likes to cut herself with a razor." "There's no denying that you have it rough." "And you must be angry at me for saying that you need to be there." "No, you were just doing your job." "I can imagine you also might be angry that I wasn't able to save you from the depression you fell into." "Or from the attempt that you made on your own life." "You know, one of the shrinks there said something like that." "He said you were reckless." "Said that you'd opened up" "Pandora's box at the worst possible time." "I'm sorry..." "should I not have told you that?" "But I'm sure that must have been unsettling for you to hear." "What do you think he meant by that?" "Well, I didn't trust it." "I didn't trust him." "I told him that if it hadn't have been for you, that I'd gone off the deep end a lot sooner." "I also told him that his staff wasn't in your league." " You're doing it again, Walter." " What?" "Bullshitting me." "Now what is it that you want from me?" "Out." "I want out." "And you're hoping that if you flatter me enough that I'll sign off on your release, is that it?" "I'm climbing the walls, Paul." "And it's another week before I can go before a judge." "Look, I understand that a week may seem like a very long time." "God, another day is an eternity." "Whatever you need me to say or sign, I'll do it." "But please, call Dr. Wells." "He'll listen to you." "Before I do that, we need to talk more." "What do you want to know?" "What do I want to know?" "Isn't that what you said to me last week in the hospital?" "And then you proceeded to tell me that you had food poisoning." "Drop the façade, Walter." "It's a waste of your time and mine." "You're just saying what you think I want to hear." "I was ashamed." "And I didn't want Natalie to know." "Why don't you tell me what it's really been like this last week." "Hell." "I have nothing to do." "There's one TV and the group votes on what crap they want to watch." "There's a piano that no one can play." "They give us chores, but it's make-work." "I'm not doing anything." " So how do you pass the time?" " Walk the halls." "It's 9:00 a.m." "I pace, stare out the window." "Hours go by." "I think to myself," ""It must be getting close to lunchtime"." "I look at the clock." "It's 9:15." "When you stare out the windows, what do you think about?" "I think about how much I could've already gotten done if I still had my job." "You're used to being busy." "I can imagine it's..." " It's a pretty difficult adjustment." " I can't adjust." "I'm not comfortable just wasting time." "That's something that we might work on while you're there." "You want me to work on wasting time?" "No, what I mean is sometimes when people are hospitalized the lack of day-to-day pressure can cause a relief." "It finally gives them a chance to... to contemplate." " I don't follow you." " Well, to reflect." "To reflect on what's come before, what lies ahead." "I think you've been running so hard for so long that you haven't had the chance to check in with yourself." "Natalie said something like that." "She said I should "listen to my inner voice"." "I told her the last thing you want to do if you're in a nuthouse is start hearing voices." "When you walk the halls, what do you find yourself thinking about?" "I'm just anxious." "I think about money." "I think about my net-worth numbers." "They've gone down quite a bit." "But..." "I think about is Connie keeping up with the bills, is the car battery dead in the garage... what happened to those... those poor kids... who drank the formula?" "I think about their families... how they're coping with it... what's going on..." "Do you think about them often?" "What do you think?" "You said that you had some sessions with the staff..." ""shrink"." "What did he talk about?" "They want to rehash the crisis, the firing." "I keep saying, "Could you just read my file?"" "And as you were retelling the story, can you... remember what emotions came up for you?" "Have you ever given a deposition?" "You say as little as possible and wait for it to end." "You mentioned that Pandora's box had been opened." "You've talked about some of those issues?" " Like what?" " I don't know." "Your family history, your history with the Donaldsons, your anxiety about separation." "Not really." "They didn't ask, I didn't tell." "Did they ask you about the night you tried to kill yourself?" "Of course they asked about that." "They had to, didn't they?" "Yes, they did." "I've been where they are." "We'd acquire a company." "I'd go out there for the visit." "The local... manager would walk me through it:" "how dedicated everyone was, how nothing need to change." "And the whole time he's making his pitch, I'm running numbers." "They were emotionally involved." " I was there to evaluate." " So these doctors, you feel they're just..." "making clinical evaluations?" "They're just thinking about how much to medicate me, or... how much coverage I have." "Do you think they might be assessing anything else?" "Whether I'll try it again." "That's what everybody's going to worry about for the rest of my life." "Isn't it?" "Do you want to talk about that?" "Pretty street you live on." "I never noticed that before." "It's always been dark when you've arrived." "It's... nice to see the spring come." "Now I have a chance to plant my garden." "Smell the roses." " Can I ask you something?" " Of course." "What would you have done if you were me?" "I've thought about that." "I can really understand... what that pain was like, how it must have seemed unbearable... without end." "And how, in that moment, you thought you'd found a solution..." "A way out of a hopeless situation." "But, you know..." "I think that... the worst night of your life has passed, Walter." "You've survived it." "You've been given a second chance." "And the void that you felt, maybe the void that you still feel can be filled... and that there's a possibility of renewal." "You know, I tried to fight it." "I kept telling myself, "Snap out of it, Walter." "Snap out of it"." "I kept thinking that..." "I'd come up with some way to stop feeling." "Stop feeling what?" "To stop feeling." "Period." "I've always been able to will myself out of bed." "Even if I was dead tired or sick..." "I was always able to work." "Ring the bell, I answered." "But not this time." "It's like... there's the Walter Barnett that I knew, who could... stand up to any pressure." "And then... there's this other Walter who I never knew existed... who crumbled... who couldn't handle the pain." "These two Walters, one strong, the other weak... are there... any other differences between them?" "I don't know." "Like I said, I don't know this other one." "The other one, you mean..." "The one without a job?" "You said anytime the bell rang, you answered." "Maybe part of the reason you couldn't snap out of it this time was because for the first time in your life... you weren't on call." "You weren't on duty." "What do you mean?" "You pride yourself not just on your ability to work, but on your ability to work yourself beyond the brink of exhaustion." "The first day that you came in you didn't even think that your panic attacks were worth mentioning." "In the time that I've known you," "I've never heard you mention a hobby," " a day off, a night out." " You met me in the middle of a crisis." "And my guess is, before this crisis there was another crisis and before that there was another one." "And it stretches right back... to childhood, to Vietnam, to the Donaldsons, to Connie's rehab." "Connie's rehab?" "What?" "I never said anything about that." "You didn't, but when I spoke to Natalie at the hospital..." "She had no right to embarrass Connie like that!" "She wasn't trying to embarrass Connie." " She assumed you'd told me." " Why would I have done that?" "That's what people do in therapy." "They talk about their lives." "If your wife has a problem with substance abuse..." "Substance abuse?" "It was chardonnays." "And a few pills." "She's not a..." "Connie is a great wife." "She made a fine home." "She took care of the kids." "She watched the home front like a hawk." "The problem started..." "It's my fault." "What was your fault?" "I was away so much." "I was always traveling." "The doctors never understood what it was." "It was... maybe a hypoglycemia, or lyme disease, something chemical." "She gets in a mood and..." "she slides downhill." " And you were there to catch her." " I'd be halfway around the world." "I'd get a call from the boys or her mother." "I'd be on the next flight back." "I've always been her rock." "Until now." "Now I've let her down." "I've let everyone down." "You're a human being." "I'm not supposed to malfunction, Paul, that's for other people." "But not Walter Barnett." "He's a superman." "Isn't that what your wife used to call you?" " That's just a figure of speech." " But it's a pretty telling one." "You've been everyone's rock..." "your entire life." "You make it sound like that's something bad to be responsible." "I'm just wondering about the toll that it's taken... the pressure or maybe even the need to always be the hero." "Need?" " Do you think I look for this?" " That's not what I meant." "You think I'm like a fireman who goes setting fires so I can put them out?" "That's not the point." "Then what is your damn point?" "Come on, you know everything." "Just tell me what you fucking think." "I don't think you want the crisis." "But I do worry you have no idea what to do when you're not in one." "You're angry at yourself... for crumbling under this pressure." "But I'm amazed you've held everything together for as long as you did." "Thanks a lot." "The Walter you know... has been on the front line since his brother died... on call, taking care of everything, everybody, sleeping with one eye open." "But without a mountain of responsibility, that Walter is completely lost." "He doesn't know how not to be in charge." "He's forgotten how to play." "He can't just sit and be." "Maybe that's why you're climbing the walls at the hospital." "Then get me out of there!" "And if I did... what would happen to the other Walter?" "What are you talking about?" "The Walter you said you didn't know existed, the little boy who had his childhood taken away from him when he was six years old..." "He's been sitting there... all this time in the dark... scared half to death... hoping that somebody would notice him... maybe comfort him." "And maybe..." "Maybe this is his chance." "Your chance... to find out who that boy is..." "To reconnect with a part of yourself that you've had to deny your entire life." "Am I making any sense to you?" "You want me to connect to that part of myself that... that fell apart, that... crumbled under pressure?" "Why would I do that?" "Because, Walter, I don't think that's the part of you that crumbled." "I think that's the part of you that wants to live." "I'm sorry..."