"This programme contains some strong language" "APPLAUSE" "Good evening." "Welcome to Have I Got News For You." "I'm Adil Ray." "In the news this week, in Surrey, one man reluctantly heeds the call to serve the nation in Theresa May's government." "As the Mayor of Watford drives into work, he's berated by an angry resident who's been campaigning against badly-placed street signage." "And footage has emerged from Pippa Middleton's wedding which reveals that it was unwise of her to sneak away from the reception for a quiet lie down." "On Ian's team tonight is a very funny comedian." "But more importantly, he's another non-white face." "Well, it's the end of the series and the show was a bit down on its diversity quotas." "Please welcome Phil Wang." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "And with Paul tonight, a Labour MP who said after last week's election, it's clear the Tories are the losers." "And they were." "Except in terms of vote share, number of seats and who won the election." "Please welcome Angela Eagle, MP." "APPLAUSE" "And we start with Ian and Phil." "Take a look at this." "That's Theresa May, leaving the country." " That's the head of the Unionists." " Michael Gove, out of the doghouse." "Yeah." "And back in again." "Jeremy Corbyn, having his cake and eating it." "This must be the humiliating victory of the Tories." "Who, I believe, are still in power, but by the time of the repeat, they probably aren't." "They're trying to stitch up a deal." "Or form a coalition, as I think it's formally known." "It's quite a complex process." "You go in with a big bag of money and you say, "Would you like it?"" "And they say, "No, we'd like some more."" "And this takes days." "But it may well be over." " Is it over?" " No, it's not over." " It's not over?" "Good." " They've said it's an ongoing thing, they've set the date of the Queen's Speech." "Meanwhile, the DUP, who, let's face it, are the Wahhabists of Protestantism." "Is that right, is that factually correct?" "Yeah, that's absolutely correct." "I am your average socially liberal, lesbian, feminist, vegetarian humanist, who's in a civil partnership with a catholic." "And, obviously, I'm looking forward to this DUP alliance with a great deal of..." "They're not the only ones who tried to do a deal with the" "DUP, are they?" "I mean, Labour had a bit of a go." " Gordon Brown was quite keen." " We had a little word..." " You had a little word, didn't you?" " ..but the arithmetic, it was wrong." "I'm just checking there's no humbug involved in this." " The Queen's Speech has been delayed." " ANGELA:" " Two days." " For the first time in history." " Yes." "And the Queen's going to miss Ascot." " Oh, no!" " AUDIENCE:" " Aw!" "Exactly." "Proper sympathy at this time." "She was favourite to win the 3.30 on Wednesday." "You know, they're going to have to ditch so much of the manifesto, I don't think the Queen's Speech is going to last very long." "It will just be about her royal visits this year." " Which ones are they?" " Well, Trump's not coming any more, is he?" "CHEERING" "No, I think he should come." "It's spoiling our fun." "The world's clown should come and see us." "We can laugh as much as anybody else." "Now, whatever the deal is, we mustn't call it a coalition, apparently." " Why is that?" " Well, the Tories said that if people didn't vote for them, there would be a coalition of chaos." "An alliteration is one of the things you've really got to watch out for." "Well, the idea of calling it a coalition, it upset one Tory MP by the name of Robert Syms." "As you can see from this Twitter exchange." "This is from youlittlequilt on Twitter." "And here's Robert Syms' reply." "OK, and talking of leaders." "So, Arlene Foster." " Yes." " Look familiar to anyone?" "Yes, I've had to take legal proceedings, in fact, because in the current issue of Private Eye, they've compared the leader of the DUP to a much-beloved family entertainer." "Let's have a look." "APPLAUSE" "There's very little similarity, and it's barely libellous." "PAUL LAUGHS" " I sued you once." " Did you?" "Did you win?" " Yeah." "As though I didn't know." "Was the settlement a year's subscription to Private Eye?" "So, what are the things we know about the DUP?" "They're against evolution." "They're biblical literalists." "One of their early slogans, "Save Ulster from sodomy."" "It's no worse than "strong and stable", come on." "Helpfully, someone on Twitter called Pearly Queen tweeted this." "APPLAUSE" "The DUP is actually the noise you make when you Google the DUP. "Dup!" "Ugh, God."" "Theresa May has learned her lesson about how she presents herself, hasn't she?" "She wouldn't do that slightly annoying thing of not answering a question and just repeating the same phrases over and over." " Would she?" " No." "I'm pleased that people from across the party have agreed to serve in my cabinet and we're going to be getting on with the job of government." "A cabinet that will get on with the job of government." "Bringing that talent together to ensure that we can get on with the job." "But what I'm doing now is actually getting on with the immediate job." " INTERVIEWER:" " How are you feeling?" "I imagine you are feeling rather shell-shocked." "What I'm feeling is that, actually, there's a job to be done." "And I think what the public want is to ensure that the government is getting on with that job." "This is a government getting on with the job." "It's kind of sad no-one's turned up to her dinner party, though." "There was a very strange word in there, did you see that?" "She said "talent"." "How desperate are you when you reappoint Michael Gove?" "Did you see what Tom Watson said?" "Is this the deputy leader of the Labour Party?" "That Tom Watson, yes." "Tom Watson alleges Gove was brought back on Rupert Murdoch's instructions." "He's written a formal letter to Theresa May, saying..." "Well, Gove was writing for The Times." "And, you know, if you owned the paper, you'd be desperate to get rid of him." "APPLAUSE" "Is that a professional editor's view you're giving us there?" "Yeah." "The number of people I've put into the Cabinet..." "Bloody hell!" "He sent him..." "Tom Watson sent a letter?" " Yes." " Politicians must be the only people writing letters still." "Is that why stuff takes so long to get done?" " Can they not just e-mail?" " No, it has to be written on vellum." " What is vellum?" " It's goat's skin." "It's like very, very classy Basildon Bond notepaper." "OK, you've confused me more now." "It's like Snapchat with animal skin." "APPLAUSE" "Boris Johnson..." "He's, of course, delighted with Michael Gove's return." "Did you see what he said?" " Was it not true?" " Well, he tweeted..." "Which is Boris speak for, "I hope you die."" "So, Angela, you're a big fan of Boris, aren't you?" " Great fan of Boris." " Yes." "Well, let's have a look at Angela assessing his credentials just after the referendum campaign." "Oh, Boris is fun, he's great, isn't he?" "Bouncing around, sort of going to be the next Prime Minister." "And all of that." "And they never actually put him..." "They've just made him Foreign Secretary?" "APPLAUSE" "I thought there might be lip-readers in the audience." "I was going to ask you that." "What did you say when you turned round?" "That's unrepeatable on a family show." "So, we saw Theresa May saying she's getting on with her job." "What else does she have to do to convince voters?" "Oh, she had to sack her advisers." "This was a London resident." " Let's take a look." " Theresa May said on the steps of Downing Street when she became Prime Minister, she talked about the underprivileged, those who had a sense of burning injustice." "Has Theresa May ever been to Aldi?" "Has she ever been Lidl?" "In her life." "Let's be real." "If she can tell me what Lidl looks like from the inside," "I'll listen to what Theresa May's got to say." "APPLAUSE" "I think it's a fair point." "Angela, have you been inside Lidl?" " Yep." " Can you tell us what it looks like?" "Well, it's a supermarket." "But what kind of supermarket?" " Tell us." " Well, it's a kind of Italian..." " Isn't it Italian or Spanish?" " AUDIENCE:" " Oh!" " I think it's German, isn't it?" " German, a German supermarket." "I think if I saw Theresa May in Lidl, I'd feel less confident about the country." "APPLAUSE" "Looking at the whole Conservative election campaign, was it a debacle, a catostrophe..." "A catastrophe or a shambles?" " A "catostrophe"!" " "Catostrophe."" " There was a lot of tossers involved." " All of those things." " All of those?" "Absolutely all." "It was the worst election campaign I think I've ever seen anybody run." " What, including yours to challenge Jeremy?" " Thank goodness." "APPLAUSE" "Sue him, sue him right now!" "To be fair, mine didn't last as long as this did." " No, no." " And I didn't have Lynton Crosby's extremely expensive advice." "No, no, clearly." "So were you thrilled when the exit poll came out?" "Did you think, "Yes, Jeremy, you proved me absolutely wrong," ""well done"?" "I was thrilled." "But I think everybody was astonished." "On all sides." "And I thought, "Well," ""I think I'll get down to the count and see what's going on."" "Well, where were you?" "Well, normally at the end of an election campaign, you dash home because you've been up for 17 hours, you've knocked on as many doors as you can, you're absolutely exhausted." "You go home, you have a quick bath." "You get your suit on." "You turn on the telly to see what the exit poll is, so you can see what the result is actually going to be." "And then you digest that for a bit and then you go to your own count to" " see what's happening." " PHIL:" " How do you have a quick bath?" "Well, you have to." "Baths take ages." "The rest I understood..." "How have the Europeans reacted to the confusion and uncertainty" " in Britain?" " Hasn't Macron offered to let us back in?" "He said, "You can just drop it, just drop it all now." ""We all feel so sorry for you"." "We'll have to wait and see what this strong and stable government we've got, that's just about to start the Brexit negotiations next week, is going to do." "But let's face it, she's taken over a week to try to negotiate with ten DUP members." "APPLAUSE" "And they all speak English." "Did anyone see how Macron tricked Theresa May" " into looking a bit stupid this week?" " Yeah, the Mexican wave thing." "At the France/England game." " Yeah, he lured her into a Mexican wave." " Oh." "Let's have a look." "France beat England 3-2 that game, but Jeremy Corbyn is claiming it as a great victory for England." "Macron did also say to Theresa May that the door is always open." "The dirty devil." "She's in the age range, though, isn't she?" "APPLAUSE" "Yes, this is Theresa May remaining in No 10 with her job being to unite the country." "It's not clear to the Conservatives how Labour managed to get so many young people to vote for them." "An issue which will be thoroughly examined by the 1922 Committee." "According to The Guardian, at the first meeting of Labour MPs since the election, Jeremy Corbyn was greeted with cheers, a 45-second ovation and desk banging." "Which no-one in Labour has done since John Prescott and his secretary." "With an eye to future success," "Jeremy Corbyn has carried out his important reshuffle." "There were few surprises, although he did move the marrows to a sunnier patch, plant more tomatoes and scatter some slug pellets." "LAUGHTER" "Someone from the allotment." ""Jeremy will be back on Tuesday."" " Paul and Angela, take a look at this." " Yes." "Yes, this is a man with an ear trumpet." " Fondue." " Fondue." " Cheese." " Cheese." " Cheese." "Scientists have discovered that cheese can help restore hearing, that's what the theory is." "So the US Army are testing this by force-feeding some of their troops" "Stilton and cheddar to see whether it mitigates the hearing loss from standing next to those very loud explosions that you tend to get when you're in the Armed Forces." " Does it work?" " Don't know, they're testing it!" "I think, in practice, they're testing everything, alphabetically." "Now we're on cheese." "Next week, it'll be Dalmatians." "How does cheese cure deafness, what's the...?" "Well, has it been certain that it does?" "There's some kind of enzyme or some... thing in cheese that helps." "You're such an expert on this, how do you know all this?" "It's..." "When you've been a minister and a MP..." " Cheese!" " ..for so long..." " I was the Minister for Allotments once, actually." " Were you?" "Yeah, but, erm..." "You pick up vast amounts of irrelevant information." "Hang on, you were Minister for Allotments?" " Yeah." " What did that involve doing?" "Winning World War II!" "So, how does cheese cure deafness?" "Cheese contains a chemical compound which seems to protect against and even reverse the damage to nerve cells in the ear caused by loud noises, apparently." "But what's the problem with this cure?" "There is a problem with it." "You have to eat a lot of cheese." "A hell of a lot of cheese." "That's absolutely right, you do have to eat a lot of it to do any good." "About 5lbs of cheese, in fact." " A day or an hour?" " Well, you tell me, you were Minister of Cheese or whatever it was at some point!" "But this would suggest no-one in France is deaf." "Which I'm not sure is true." "Now, another politician who used to be interested in cheese was former Minister for the Environment Secretary, former Justice Secretary, now Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Liz Truss." " Yes." " Let's remind ourselves." " Yeah." " APPLAUSE" "That speech." "We import two thirds of our cheese." "That is a disgrace." "APPLAUSE" "It's like Morecambe and Wise, I just want it on all the time!" "This is the news that cheese may improve your hearing." "As part of the experiment, American soldiers are going to be supplied with large chunks of Parmesan." "That's one way to make America GRATE again." "APPLAUSE" "Also this week, the inventor of the Hawaiian pizza has died." "It was a very emotionally-charged funeral." "Papa John was crying his eyes out and, as always," "Sloppy Giuseppe was a complete mess." "And so to Round Two, the picture spin quiz." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "BUZZER" "This is Donald Trump's Cabinet meeting in which he's instructed them all to praise him, one by one, and say what a great job he's doing." "It's the eeriest thing you've ever seen." "It's really gross." "Let's have a look." "Mr President, er, I..." "A privilege to be here." "Deeply honoured and I want to thank you for keeping your commitment to the American workers." "I want to thank you for getting this country moving... again and also working again." "We thank you for the opportunity and the blessing that you've given us, to serve your agenda." "Thank you, Mr President." "It was a great honour, travelling with you around the country for the last year and an even greater honour to be here serving in your cabinet." "AUDIENCE GROANS" "It's like everyone's made Donald cry at his birthday party and the parents have forced them to sit down and say sorry." "Do you think they're watching that in North Korea going," ""Oh, that's a bit sycophantic"?" "What's been the latest development in the Russia enquiry regarding Trump?" "They're getting closer!" "Step-by-step, the whiff of Trump is in the air." "As his minions are slowly pushed aside, they will find one very sad fuckwit on a golden throne." "Crying at images of himself as he realises the world has completely misunderstood him." "That's exactly the right answer, well done!" "APPLAUSE" "That's what's going to happen." "Donald Trump is to be probed..." "Yes." " ..for..." " I hope they have a running start for whoever does it!" "Hundred yards." "..for obstruction of justice, is what they call it." "Finally, yet another leader of a country has been openly mocking Donald Trump." "Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull, what's he been doing?" "He did a sort of impression of him, but he didn't know he was being filmed." "He did an impression of Donald Trump and everyone laughed" " and now he's in trouble." " Yes." " Kind of." "He did an impression of the summit." "But he did it at a meeting full of journalists..." "Suggests he hasn't been Prime Minister very long." "Or he's very proud of his impression?" " Indeed, yeah." " Wants to get it out there." " Shall we take a look?" " Yeah, go on, then." "You see, that's a straightforward libel." "Yes, this is another event-filled week for Donald Trump and his family." "According to the Sun," "Donald Trump convened a meeting in which..." "It's what's commonly known in the White House as orange-nosing." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "BUZZER" "This is a wildlife documentary." "This is an iguana running away from snakes and it was a very brilliantly photographed bit of footage and you've got to spend hours, months, weekends, days, forever trying to get this stuff, and somebody complained because there's a cutaway to another iguana," "a sort of close-up thing and they said this is cheating somehow, as if you can make an iguana..." ""Sorry, love, we missed that, can we do it again?"" "So, I don't understand why people are confused about how films are made." " There was a stunt double iguana, is that what...?" " No." " Oh." " There wasn't." " Oh, OK." "That's why I didn't use the word "stunt double iguana"." "It was one iguana filmed being chased by snakes and then they had perhaps a close-up of an iguana looking happy and that was another iguana." "But it was one iguana..." "LAUGHTER" "Am I the only one that finds this incredibly simple to understand?" "We've got an iguana now, but that one's not the same one!" "Bin it!" "How could they tell it wasn't the same iguana?" "Well, because, I don't know, maybe it had a hat on or something, I don't know." ""Up the Gunners", I don't know." "He had a badge, I don't know." "Is it true Arsene Wenger's leaving?" " No, I think it was a protest registered by the snakes." " Yeah." "Because they're shown in this film to be incompetent." " Very poor light." " There are hundreds of them chasing one baby iguana and they're so useless, they don't get anywhere near him." "And the iguana escapes." "And I think they protested, saying it's rigged." "The footage is completely faked, we won the encounter." "And David Attenborough really should just resign." " Can we see the footage?" "It's so good." " It's great." "I mean, it's a fantastic piece of film." "You want to see the fakery row, the scene involving the lizards and the snake?" " Yeah." " OK, let's have a look." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "I'd like to say I'm proud of the part I unconsciously played in the set-up of that joke." "Now, see one of the Must-See Moments at last year's Baftas, what did it beat?" "It beat Ed Balls' dancing." "Yes, now, that was faked cos he had magnets on his feet and there was somebody underneath the floor moving them like that." "That's right, it was Ed Balls' Gangnam Style dance." "Now this is probably going to annoy Paul even more." "But this isn't the first time the BBC's been accused of faking footage." "Frozen Planet showed footage of newborn polar bears which turned out to be in an animal park." "You know the Teletubbies aren't real?" "There's tiny versions of the same thing inside the costumes." " They weren't tall enough for telly." " Now you're just being silly." " Exactly." " I'm sorry, they are real." "You were doing so well up until that point." "I know, I just lost it, I got angry, I started lashing out." "This is the shock news that the iguana versus snake scene in Planet Earth II might have been faked." "I don't see what all the fuss is about." "with the BBC filming several iguanas." "I mean, they've used at least two different Attenboroughs over the years and no-one's ever complained." "Time now for the Missing Words round which, this week, features as its guest publication Toastmaster, the magazine for public speakers." "We start with..." " PHIL:" " Elections." "APPLAUSE" "The answer is..." " Let's take a look." " Yeah." "That's horrible." "I got one of them for Christmas." "Next..." "I am a failure." "We used more than one iguana." " ANGELA:" " Strong and stable!" " Yeah." "Hi, I'm Michael Gove." "Well, the answer is..." "Next..." " PHIL:" " Diced bread?" "Sliced bread is the best thing since sliced bread, apparently." "Yes, that's true." "Scientists have conclusively proved there's no difference between white and brown, but you try telling that to Ukip." "Next..." " PHIL:" " Humans that the dogs can keep as pets." "No, the answer is..." " ANGELA:" " Of course(!" ")" " This is a new designer doghouse that costs up to £150,000." "There are various models on offer, including this Roman one." "What?" "!" "Which, as you can see, has four outside urinals." "Next..." " PHIL:" " Pronounced "quinoa", not "quin-ower"." "Impossible to talk while up to your eyes in barbiturates." "Unless you know differently, of course?" "The answer..." "Next up..." "Is it Melania?" " It's the Mysterious Fish, is the weirdest mascot ever seen." " Oh." "A Japanese baseball team this week this week unveiled their new mascot." "Let's have a look at it." "APPLAUSE" "And finally..." " PHIL:" " A slightly smaller hedge." "Basil Brush." " We'll get there eventually." " Boutros Boutros-Ghali." " We'll get there." "You just keep going." " Fruitjuice Fruitjuice-Barley." "No, bit more." "It's a person related to her." " Her husband?" " Oh, close, I'll give you it." "It's her son's face." "Let's have a look at her son." " Yeah, that's fair enough." " Yeah, and now let's have a look at her hedge." "I think that's pretty good." "The hedges were sculpted by Michelle Foley, who created likenesses of her partner, Andrew, and her 21-year-old son, Brennan." "According to the Sun..." "Draw your curtains, mate!" "So, the final scores are..." "It's four points to Ian and Phil" " and five to Paul and Angela." " Well done, well done." "APPLAUSE" "Yeah." "On which note, we say thank you to our panellists," "Ian Hislop and Phil Wang, Paul Merton and Angela Eagle." "And I leave you with news that at a secret research lab, as two government visitors are shown a new deadly and completely undetectable poison, they're both struck by the same tempting thought." "After Tim Farron's resignation leaves a vacancy at the top of the party, the Lib Dems' most qualified candidate puts themselves forward." "And having been praised effusively by his Cabinet," "Donald Trump fails to receive similar respect from his motorcycle escort." "APPLAUSE" "Goodnight." "APPLAUSE"