"Margaret, what's in that box?" " Is it food?" " No, Mom." "It's just some old toys I'm collecting for charity." "Don't lie to your mother." "I smell garlic chicken." "It's just Al's socks." "Hey, Peg." "Do I smell garlic chicken?" "No, Al." "But guess what I found in the attic." "Hey, if I wanna keep a noose upstairs, that's my business, Peg." "No, I dug up all these old toys." "They're for Marcie's toys-for-guns exchange program." "Where do kids today get the idea that a gun is something to play with?" "What is going on here?" "This is foreplay." "No, honey, this can't be foreplay." "I'm enjoying it." "And I'm in the room." "I can't believe you guys." "The whole point of this toys-for-guns exchange program is to give kids something else to play with besides firearms." "For instance, I'm donating this oil-covered Alaskan seagull." "Now, watch what happens when I pull the string." "Kids, don't drink and drive an oil tanker." "I smell fowl." "You certainly do." "Well, I'm gonna give the disadvantaged youngsters these dice." "Jefferson, why would you give a kid dice?" "Oh, these aren't just any dice." "They're loaded." "Yup, the lucky gangbanger who trades in his Uzi for these babies will learn self-esteem as he fleeces confused retirees out of their social-security checks." "Thank you." "What's Mr. Potato Head doing here?" "I don't know." "You married him." "Not that Mr. Potato Head." "The one that's actually worth something." "I'm sorry, Marcie." "I myself once had a Mr. Potato Head who meant a lot to me." "Well, my little sticky buns, what happened to him?" "Well, one night my frat brothers and I got stinko on Champale and grenadine." "Next thing I knew I was stuffing Mr. Potato Head's heinie with cherry bombs." "We lit the fuse and blew Mr. Potato Head into hash browns." "Oh, we laughed till we puked." "So, Peggy, do you have any other kids' things?" "Well, we have those child-safety seats in the garage that we never put into the car." " Why not?" " Well, we found that it was much easier just to leave the kids at home." " Let's get them." " They're out in the garage." " I'll show you where they are." " All right." " Come on, come on." " Come on, Marcie." "Can you believe that tomorrow is our five-year high school reunion?" "That means we've been out of school for, like..." "For, like, years." "I hear people are coming from all over for this reunion." "Even foreign countries like Indiana." "Indonesians are coming?" "We better brush up on our Spanish." "Hey, Kelly, whatever happened to your horny newt of a brother, Bud?" "I always thought he was cute." "He can realign my molars anytime." "Please." "I heard Bud and his hand are eloping." "So, Fawn are you still making your meteoric rise through the hierarchy of the 7-Eleven?" "I'll have you know that I am a buyer now." "Well, that's a change." "As I recall, back in school you were a seller." "Hey, Bud, I'm getting my braces off in a couple years." "Will you wait for me?" "Well, sure." "Unless another hot mama with a big, drooly overbite comes along first." "Where's Ashley?" "I thought she'd be here." "Yeah, me too." "Oh, and I've really missed her." "I wrote her all these great letters." "I can't wait until she gets here so I can give them to her." "Oh, that must be her." " Ashley!" " Kelly!" "Kelly, I have missed you so much, and I wrote you almost every day." " Here." " Oh, cool." " Here." " Thanks." "Now that we're all here, let's all look through my yearbook and trash everybody who isn't us." "Look at that geek." "He would do anything for me." "Do you remember the time that he loaned me his car and then I went joyriding in it with another date?" "And then we tried to steer it with our butts and we wrecked it, and we broke our legs?" "He was such an idiot." " I swear." " Wait, and then there's this other guy." "I can't remember his name, but what a dweeb." "Okay." "He asked me to the prom, and I said yes." "So he rented this goony maroon tux and a stretch limo." "When he showed up to my house all he found was a note that said:" ""Bite me, nerd boy."" "Oh, I just wish I could remember who that was." "That would be me." "Oh, yeah." "That would be you." "I'm sorry, Bud." "You know, teenage girls can be so cruel." "I just want you to know I apologize and I hope somehow I can make it up to you." "Really?" "Maybe we can go out sometime." "Bite me, nerd boy." "See what suckers men are?" "Sure, go ahead, make fun of me now." "But you'll come back to me when you're 25 and gravity has pulled you apart like a Stretch Armstrong." "Oh, Bud, don't feel so bad." "There was this guy in high school who was an even bigger loser than you." "Eric Waters." "Even the tape on his glasses had acne." "Anyway, he asked me out this one chilly New Year's Eve, and I said, "Sure." "Meet me on the top of the Hancock tower, stripped to the buff."" "Well, of course, I stood him up but that toe they had to amputate was a good lesson on trying to date out of his league." "What a loser!" "We did have a way with guys, didn't we?" "Yep, all we had to do was give them the move." "I wonder if mine still works." "Let me see." "There's a four-alarm down at the orphanage but that can wait." " Wanna ride on my truck?" " Sure." "Bye." "Man, I used to love Monopoly." "Buy a property, put a bunch of poor people in jail." "Now you wanna build a hotel, you gotta put up a homeless shelter." "That thimble guy lands on your property puts up a "will work for food" sign." "Ain't a damn thing you can do about it." "Yeah, they even ruined Operation." "Used to be if you butchered a guy's spleen, lose a turn." "Now they take away your medical license and you have to perform black-market liposuctions in the back of a Jiffy Lube." "Hey, you know." "I have a good idea." "Why don't we play Bottoms Up until the kids come home?" "You know what, Peg, I have an even better idea." "Why don't you and Marcie go hide." "Jefferson and I will come find you." "Good." "I love to play hide-and-go-seek." "Come on, Peggy, I know just the place." "One thousand one..." " ...one thousand two..." " One thousand two..." " ...one thousand three..." " ...one thousand three..." " ...one thousand four." " ...one thousand four." "Thanks for being my escort tonight, Bud." "You're welcome." "And now that my escort duties are over I'm going to escort myself to that redhead over there." " See you." " You'll be back." "And you'll be begging me for a little flesh and metal." "It feels good to be back in the old gym again." "Look, the hoops are in the same place." "Look, there are the bleachers." "And there's the clock." "And there's you." " Come on." "Let's sit down." " Okay." "Big problem." "There's six chairs and five of us." "Well, maybe one of us will show up again later." "Oh, gosh." "You guys, this is so much fun." "You know, I think we should have a five-year reunion every year." "Look at all these losers." "To think that I slept with every guy in this room." "What was I thinking that night?" "Oh, my God." "Hang on to your thigh cream, girls, prime veal at 4 o'clock." "Where?" "No, no, guys." "There." "He is cute." "If I wasn't rocking Bud's world tonight I'd be wearing him like a wet retainer." "You guys." "You guys." "He's coming this way." "Act cool." "He looks important." "Think I can nonchalantly get my underwear off by the time he gets here?" "You're wearing underwear?" "You really have changed." "Hi, girls." "Remember me?" "Aren't you the guy who was standing over there just a couple minutes ago?" "Maybe I can refresh your memory." "Does the Hancock tower ring a bell?" "No, but I think there's a time and temperature sign up there." "Although I can never figure out which is which." "I can." "I watched it go down to minus 10 degrees that New Year's Eve you stood me up." "I'm Eric "Nine Toes" Waters." "Eric Waters?" "God, you..." "You look so different." "It's amazing how your looks can improve with nice clothes contact lenses, and 10 million dollars." "Ten million dollars?" "Oh, my God, he's the ex-husband of my dreams." "Look, you guys." "Look at all the loser things Eric used to do in high school." "Computer club." "Future businessman of America." "Look, class valedictator." "Who would've thought that a geek like that would've ended up successful?" "Hey, Kelly, you thinking what I'm thinking?" "Why don't things fall up?" "No." "I'm thinking we should have a contest." "A duel for Eric's affections." "You're on." " Fine." " Okay." "Chose your weapons." "Damn, I knew I should have brought my wet T-shirt." "Okay, I'll tell you what we'll do." " We'll use the move at 40 paces." " Fine." " Fine, go ahead." " Okay." "All right." "Move over." "You've seen the rest, now check out the best." "Wow, he ignored both of their moves." "Yeah, it's like he's deaf or something." "This has never happened before." "We need advice from an expert on rejection." " Can I have this dance?" " For the 15th time:" "Is this a cool hickey or what?" "It's much better than the ones you make at home with the Dustbuster." "Bud with these braces I could make a hickey that would never heal." "Look, Bud, Kelly and I can't get anywhere with Eric Waters." "You're somebody who keeps trying even though he gets rejected you know, time after time after time after time" "Yeah, I get the point." "Okay." "We need to get through to Eric." "What should we do?" "Look, before you do anything I'll go talk to him." "I'll see if there's any hope at all." "I'll go with you, Bud." "No." "You stay here." "I'd rather admire you from across the room." "Way, way across the room." "All right." "Al, right hand blue." "What is it about this game that's so sexy?" "I'm touching Peg's rear and for once it feels pretty good." "I feel someone touching my rear." "I think it's Al." "He's not as strong as Marcie, but he knows what I like." "I love all these hands groping my tush." "This game is just like sex except I have a partner." "I hate this game." "No one's touching my rear, and it's way, way up in the air." "Oh, and they have us neutered." " Kelly, I need to talk to you for a sec." " But" "Okay, but just don't touch me." "Look, I talked to Eric, and he really likes you." "He does?" "Oh, my God." " He wants to meet you alone." " He does?" "Now, he's drawn this map so you know where to go." "Be there in an hour and don't tell anyone." "Even you?" "Yeah, yeah, especially me." "I can never know." "Oh, thank you so much, Bud." "I owe you bigtime." "I'm not gonna, like, pay you or anything, but I owe you." " Ashley, I need to talk to you for a sec." " Okay." "Just don't touch me." "Look, Eric told me he really likes you." "He does?" "He wants to meet you alone under the bleachers." "You know, back where they retired your number." "Thanks, Bud." "And I want you to know out of all the nerd boys I humiliated you cried the best." "Thanks." "I'll remember that." "You just remember, under the bleachers, 15 minutes." "Okay, got it." "One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi." "How many Mississippis are there in 15 minutes?" "Thanks, Eric." "I had a really good time." "Right back at you." "Nerd girl." "Well, we sure got our revenge." "Well, I certainly got mine." "I still don't know what yours was, though." "Where did that map lead to you gave Kelly?" "Twenty thousand, two hundred and thirty Mississippi." "Twenty thousand, two hundred and thirty-one Mississippi." "God, that Bottoms Up was great." "We should do that every night." "Right, Al?" "Isn't that typical." "He falls asleep, and I wanna play again." "Have you seen my Mr. Potato Head?" "I can't find him anywhere." "Gee, I think I saw Jefferson with it a minute ago." "Oh, look up in the sky." "It's a bird." "It's a plane." "It's Mr. Potato Head?" "I'm starting to get the feeling that Eric's not gonna show up." "Bud is gonna pay for this." "Oh, it was a mighty fine day in the life of Bud Bundy." "Well, I guess I'd better find me a ride home." " What?" " It's hickey time." "No." "No, no!"