"subtitle by peritta" "He is destroying my lesson plans." "I mean, I can't teach him unless I assess him, but I can't assess him if I don't know anything about him." "We're gonna "Ocean's Eleven" his ass." "So can you crack it?" "[ Stuttering ] I can crack this." "Hundred bucks, boom." "$20." "Deal." "Tell me everything you know about Elijah Foster." "All right, let's schedule our follow-up for another day, shall we, so long as you bring this one." "Of course." "I was a little worried there for a minute, but I actually think all of this is gonna work out just fine." "[ Alarm clock ringing ]" "[ Gentle music plays ]" "[ Alarm beeping ]" "[ Rock music plays ]" "[ Sighs ]" "[ Gentle music plays ]" "[ Rock music plays ]" "[ Drill whirs ]" "[ Doorbell rings ]" "Oh." "[ Clears throat ]" "Hey." "Uh, sup, Cass?" "Did you do it?" "Uh, yeah." "Did the full change, just like you asked." "Oh." "Mm." "[ Clears throat ]" "Uh, yeah, scrubbed the I.P., disabled the location services, and I changed all the passwords." "It's "CassieandDoug,"" "one word, easy to remember 'cause..." "You can change it." "[ Clears throat ]" "Anyway, you got -- do you have company?" "No." "No." "Then " "That one is for you...buddy." "[ Chewing loudly ]" "This is really nice." "♪ All the things that I've done ♪" "♪ Oh, how you'd run if you knew a single one ♪" "♪ Of all of the things that I've done ♪" "Oh, Owen." "Owen." "Owen, Owen, Owen." "Oh, are you trying to break me or something... by saying my name?" "Oh..." "[ Whispering ] Suck my dick." "I mean, look at this." "He is on JDate and Christian Mingle." "And Muslim Matrimonials." "So?" "I'm on dating sites." "You're not?" "Uh, yeah." "But we actually use real information." "I mean, something tells me that you don't own a 40-foot schooner or you even know what the fuck that is." "Yeah, we've got your profiles and your social media and your e-mails and your DM's and your IM's, and we know every single lie you've ever told." "So I think it's probably pretty obvious what today's lesson is gonna be all about." "Honesty." "Don't be a fucking liar." "Lying, like any other bad habit, can be broken." "So..." "for every truth that you tell, you get a nice, yummy bite of food that I slaved away in the kitchen for you." "And, on the other hand, for every lie..." "[ Chains rattle ]" "Okay." "No, no, no." "Cool it." "Women have been doing this for decades." "It's not like we're gonna thread your eyebrows." "God -- unless you can do that." "I mean, yeah, I can try." "Okay, hey." "Relax." "We'll start off easy." "Okay?" "All right." "What's your name?" "Owen Gilmore." "Food, please." "[ Laughing ] Oh, no." "What's your name on all 18 of your dating profiles?" "Fuck." "Yeah, fuck." "[ Wax strip rips, Owen screams ]" "Okay." "I'm looking at a DM here from @JessLevitt." "It looks like you two hooked up at Coachella." "Of course you did." "What did you tell her you did for a living?" "That's not fair." "I have no idea." "Because you told so many women so many different things?" "No, no, I..." "Just thinking ahead, did you want to do the full Brazilian or just the natural look?" "Because, I mean, you told me that you were an app developer, which was clearly a lie." "No, it's not!" "I-I did develop an app." "[ Humming ]" "Wait, wait." "Wait one sec!" "Fucking wait." "I-I did." "I tried." "I had an idea with a buddy." "It was like Tinder meets Uber." "So prostitution?" "We borrowed some money from my parents and their friends, but then we burned through it in a few months." "We had to shut it down." "Thank you for telling the truth." "Doesn't that feel good?" "Not exactly." "Oh, your chains." "Your poor chains." "Yeah." "The thing is is that there's still only one way to get that strip off." "Just bite really hard down on this." "There you go." "Okay." "[ Screams ]" "[ Muffled ] Motherfucker!" "Heads up." "He has got a lot of people " "Dude." "Oh, sorry, dude." "He's got a lot of people asking about him." "Yeah, some people like me." "Throw them some meat." "Like, we're all up in his socials, we can say whatever the fuck we want." "Here, give it to me." "Give it to me." "[ Keyboard clacking ]" "Uh, "Taking some time off to recharge." "At a spiritual retreat in Joshua Tree."" "All right, that's not bad." "Okay, but nobody uses a semicolon, and this guy definitely does not use a semicolon." "Fuck you." "I know my punctuation." "Okay, slow your burn." "That's less of a comment on you and more on Twitter, so we'll just delete that." "[ Computer chiming ]" "Okay, so that didn't work." "Um..." "We'll just say something different." "Uh, we'll just say something douchey, obviously." "Something about sand and palm trees." "No." "Once you've thrown down on the Internet, you've gotta follow the golden rule -- pics or it didn't happen." "[ Smacks lips ]" "All right, Tinder, what have you got for me?" "Too fat, too short, too much." "And DeVito couldn't even reach it." "[ Laughter ]" "And that's when Schwarzenegger turns to Pacino and says," ""No, you say hello to my little friend."" "[ Laughter ]" "How did we even get started talking about "Twins" in the first place?" "You guys!" "Unfortunately, the tour is now over." "If you enjoyed yourselves, my name is Omar." "I'll be here all week." "If you didn't, my name's Carol." "I work at Applebee's." "[ Laughter ]" "Now, get out of here!" "Go!" "I don't love you anymore!" ""Harry and the Hendersons."" "Anybody get that?" ""Harry and the Hendersons," Lithgow." "I know you like Lithgow." "[ Laughs ] Okay." "You have a nice day." "Okay." "Wow, you make it sound like you really give a shit." "I do give a shit." "I give many shits." "Hollywood is a gift to the rest of the world." "Hollywood is two miles of concrete soaked in backpacker urine." "Look, when I was growing up in my Pueblo, there was one store that stocked all movies from America, mostly late '80s, '90s -- you know, the golden age." "And while the cartels ran rampant in the street," "I would sit in my room, and I would watch these movies, and everything just floated away." "It was like nobody could hurt me." "Hollywood is my sanctuary, Claire." "Aren't you from, like, Riverside?" "No, Mexico." "Oh, that makes a lot more sense." "Thank you." "Have a nice day." "Whoa." "You get tips?" "Hey, you know we're supposed to share those, right?" "But I've never seen you get any tips." "Yeah, I know." "Fucking sexism, right?" "Ugh!" "Male privilege." "Uh, yeah, so you make movies, right?" "I want to borrow a couple of things." "♪" "Fuck yeah, Lamar!" "Fuck yeah...me." "Shit." "Here." "Why do you lie?" "Sounds like a trick question." "No, I'm " " I'm serious." "I mean, you have to be some kind of actual person under all of this." "I mean, you create all these fake profiles and you string women along for months." "I mean, you basically told me that you were, like, some successful tech guy." "No, no." "I said I developed an app." "You wanted to believe the rest." "Hey, okay, but you didn't actually stop me from believing all of that." "Well, why would I?" "You're hot, you're smart." "Would you have really screwed a guy like me?" "Well, I mean, that night," "I probably would have slept with anybody." "Yeah, I mean, I was..." "Oh, yikes." "I-I mean, I, like, I mean, anybody." "Thank you." "Maybe not Hitler." "Like " " Like just shy of Hitler." "I get it." "I get it." "[ Chuckles ]" "But on, like, a normal night." "Uh..." "I'm not sure." "I feel like even with all of this," "I don't even know who you are." "I mean, I feel like you don't, either." "[ Door opens ]" "[ Breathing heavily ]" "Honey, I'm -- Phew!" "[ Grunts ]" "I'm home!" "Oh, my God." "Dude, can you help me out with this shit?" "♪" "[ Chains rattle ]" "Okay, test shot." "You're just gonna look charming in pink." "Stay still." "We're one big, happy family." "One big, happy family." "[ Laughs ]" "Oh, my God, you're such a douche." "[ Singing in French ]" "[ Laughs ] -[ Laughs ]" "All right." "Look really high." "[ Camera shutter clicking ]" "Okay, I already put the first couple photos up on Facebook and Twitter, and we're already getting great responses, and people are falling for it." "And I'll trickle out the rest as needed." "Did you set up the video?" "Uh, yeah." "All six seasons of "Sex and the City."" "When you live in a place like Manhattan, odds are, you'll run into the one who broke your heart." "I set it to autoplay." "Great." "I will keep an eye on the video feeds, and I will be home as soon as I finish this meeting." "All right, love you." "Bye." "Odds are higher on the morning you lost a fight with a hairdryer." "[ Grunts ]" "[ Cellphone buzzes ]" "Cassandra, you're acceptably early." "Oh." "Hi, Wendy." "I tho-- I thought you were coming." "Ugh." "I had to fly to Aspen." "Gwyneth over-steamed her vagina again, and it looks like" "I'm the only one who knows how to fold it back into place." "You know, they call this an all-inclusive spa, but apparently that doesn't apply to anything south of the border, so..." "Anyway, are you prepped?" "Yes, just, uh, one quick question." "Do you think it's smart to throw Elijah into something like this so" "Just make sure he answers all of the questions and stays afloat." "I can't sell a bloated corpse." "Oh, actually, that's not true." "I have." "Summer 2011." "Mm." "No names, but let's just say the child star plus drugs plus anger management issues equals a whole lot of billable hours." "Okay, when I get back, we really need to work on your sense of humor." "[ Screen blips ] And whatever you do, do not let him speak for himself." "I mean, we want Elijah talking, but we don't want Elijah talking, yes?" "Got it." "Good." "[ Screen blips, door opens ]" "Steph, you're an absolute lifesaver." "Oh, and if you can tell Chef Paul that Elijah wants a burger well done and fries on the side, yeah, he'll know what I mean." "How will the chef ever crack your code?" "Oh, we go back." "Thanks for meeting me at the No." "It's sort of like my place." "I can't really deal with a stuffy conference room, you know?" "So..." "How are you?" "Tell me about yourself, every detail." "Oh, um, okay." "I " " It's normal, like, boring." "Impossible." "You're an interesting woman." "You must be doing interesting things." "[ Chuckles nervously ]" "Travel, friends, men?" "Uh, you know what?" "We should probably just get prepped." "I mean, Internet interviews seem really casual, but, like, one wrong answer, and they're just gonna pounce." "Yeah, I've been doing interviews since I was 12, ever since I was on "EastEnders."" "And I played Dex." "Overdosed and fell out of a moving lorry?" "I must have missed that one." "You know what, though?" "Typing is so boring." "So why don't you just -- you tell me what you want to say, and I'll just clickety-clack down for you?" "Hmm." "Yeah?" "Uh..." "You know, I think it's just a little bit easier if I just do it it myself." "You know, like, brain to fingers." "No need for translation." "Totally." "I totally get that." "But you've got that burger coming, and it's -- it's messy, and it's, like, food and typing." "It's just -- it's gonna be weird." "[ Sighs ]" "Since when are relationships scored on a 10-point scale?" "No point playing if they don't start with at least seven, honey." "And that's when I realized, just like a summer can't magically change herself into a winter for fall fashion week, a woman can't change herself to fit society." "And since he was diagnosed, how does that sit with you?" "Uh, yeah, it's fine." "I mean, they said he was gonna be okay, so..." "At some point, you might want to at least consider opening up in here." "It's been over six months." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I'm good right here." "You can ask me anything you want." "How did it make you feel when your father was diagnosed?" "[ Timer dings ]" "Look at that." "The session's over." "We really should discuss your tendency to compartmentalize these feelings." "I'm a little bit concerned for you, frankly." "I said the session..." "is...over." "[ Both moaning ]" "We gotta hurry." "I have to meet my brother at 3:00." "He's such a fucking child." "It's like every single time he expects me to just drop everything." "He knows that I don't have a life." "Okay, babe, you're kind of killing my boner here." "Right." "Right." "Sorry." "Okay, here's a pretty standard question." "Would you rather fight a hundred duck-size horses or one horse-sized duck?" "Duck's hollow bones wouldn't support an equine body structure." "It would collapse on itself." "[ Chuckling ] That's " "That's actually a really great answer." "It's actually a really stupid question." "Tell them that." "Okay." "Next one..." "Why do you do that?" "What?" "You left that part out." "Censorship is the death of art." "Okay, it's an Internet interview." "It's not really art." "How many of my other answers have you changed?" "Look, let me see." "Well, no, no." "I never " " I never said that." "Well, look, look, the guy that said he hates me in "Hall of the Mountain King,"" "I said he should stick to cat videos." "But you wrote, "I wish you'd give it another shot, but I understand."" "I understand?" "The meaning is effectively the same." "But you're presenting me to the world as something I'm not." "That's asking me to lie." "I'm asking you to do a little P.R." "Six of one, half, isn't it?" "Three?" "Six of one, half dozen of the other." "[ Cellphone buzzes ] A lie is a lie." "Look." "I've been many things in my life." "Actor, lover, loyal Spurs supporter, temporary honorary mayor of Herongate, but I'm not a fucking liar." "That's not what this is." "Maybe I'd be better off doing it myself." "I didn't need P.R. in England." "It's a much smaller market, and if you're trying to make the jump over " "You know a couple of things about a couple of things." "No, no, no, no, no." "Not the key." "Hello?" "Earth to Cassandra." "[ Sighs ]" "You know what?" "You're right." "We're liars, but we're actually lying to help you." "And your L.A. game is really great, but your P.R. speak sucks." "Yeah." "You want to be yourself?" "You " " You want to do the Internet yourself?" "My mom thinks she can do the Internet." "That's my foot!" "[ Laughs ]" "It's not a selfie!" "This is -- it's a footie!" "When you think you know what you're doing, but maybe you don't..." "I'm not sure if I got -- I think I just got cut off," "I'm not su-- Maybe " " I might " "I feel like my eyes are crossing." "...that's what you get." "There's 20 more just like that." "But, hey, if you think you can master" "Snapchat and Twitter and Reddit and harness COBRA and eWom to define and prioritize your brand, then, yeah, you should totally do this yourself." "I mean, you're talented, you've obviously got some integrity, and you don't seem like a total asshole." "So maybe you won't come across like an idiot and get laughed off the Internet." "I really, truly hope you make it work." "♪" "Oh, fuck." "[ Cellphone buzzing ]" "Claire, stranger danger." "Stranger danger!" "♪" "[ Ticket machine whirring ]" "God, why won't you work?" "Just take it!" "Just take..." "Okay, just drive, people." "Just drive." "Oh, my God!" "[ Camera shutter clicks ]" "[ Vibrator thuds, drawer closes ]" "Go, go, go!" "And I'm talking inches." "It was Aristotle who said..." "[ Exhales sharply ]" "It's easier to change a dress than it is to change a man." "[ Object clatters ]" "Hey!" "What the fuck are you doing in my house?" "Out you go!" "You're lucky I don't call the police." "I mean, who do you think you are, sneaking into people's houses with your sneaky eyes and your sneaky shoes?" "What's going on?" "What's going on here is I caught this little freak red-handed." "Cassie, this is Doreen, my friend." "She lives down there." "I piccolo less-- oop." "I had guitar lessons, and my mom asked asked Doreen to drop off some of her cookies for you." "Okay, yeah, but why were you inside my house?" "I could put them in the kitchen if you want." "Unless you don't want me going in your kitchen for some reason." "You know what?" "This was just a huge misunderstanding." "It is so nice to meet you, Doreen." "We've met." "You cut your hair." "No." "Come on, D. Let's get back." "Hey." "You're not making that for me, are you?" "Third Thursday of the month." "Oh, shit." "I forgot." "Are you sure you don't want to come with me?" "No, I want to start Owen on these emotional connection worksheets." "Of course you do." "Okay, well, give him a slap on the ass for me." "I will." "Oh, by the way, a package came for you." "[ Cellphone buzzes ]" "Hi, Wendy." "Cassandra, where have you been?" "[ Music plays on TV ]" "[ Grunts ]" "I am so sorry." "It was really tense, and I completely understand if I'm fired." "Congratulations are in order." "Most successful AMA since the man with two penises -- and he had two penises!" "Uh, so..." "It went well?" "Whatever magic you did, it made Elijah sound like a real person." "It's already trending." "You might very well prove yourself useful." "Take the night off." "Tomorrow, the real work begins." "So you might as well..." "[ Laughs ]" "And that's when I realized" "I might be able to swap out a sandal, but I'd never get Mr. Big to overcome his fear of commitment." "[ Chains rattling ]" "If I wanted something real..." "I don't think that's real." "And that meant only one thing." "[ TV shuts off ]" "[ Panting ] [ Light switch clicks ]" "♪" "Are you hungry?" "I've got, like, this whole tin of carbs that I..." "♪ I gotta break out ♪ [ Cookie tin clatters ]" "♪ That's why I'm leaving this town ♪" "♪ They always say things are getting better ♪" "♪ Not when or how ♪" "♪ I gotta break out ♪" "♪ That's why I'm leaving this town ♪" "♪ The only way things could get better ♪" "♪ Is to get out now ♪" "Next time on "Cassandra French's Finishing School"..." "Oh, my God!" "Fuck you." "I fucking hate you." "You want to believe that all guys are shit, that you can fix all of us." "Ow!" "But it doesn't work that way." "subtitle by peritta"