"Shh!" "Shh!" "What the hell are you doing down here?" "Oh, um, I thought I heard somebody breaking in." "What you doing down here?" "Uh, the same thing." "Pie's in the fridge." "Yep." "Nothing like sneaking a little pie before Thanksgiving." " Shh!" "Shh!" " Don't shush me." "This is not the first Philip Banks pie-jacking." "Son, son, I have been jacking pies since, what, Thanksgiving 1953." "Rhubarb." "Tart little thing." "1954, I got sloppy." "Got busted." "1955, we got a dog." "Sparkie." "From then on, the dog ate the pie." "Hey." "So I guess it's your nose I should've been shoving in the pan." "Well, actually, keeping his nose out of the pan would have been more of a punishment." "Get off of me." "Mother." "My sweet Mommy." "Come on, Mom." "Ha-ha-ha." "I've got a few secrets of my own." "I have been stashing away a pie or two ever since I saw the size of your sweet tooth." "Oh." "Grandma Hattie, the pie hider." "Aah!" " I suppose the dog ate this one too." " I ain't had nothing to do with it." " He ate it." " You always trying to blame somebody." " Out of here." "Both of you." " Momma." " Just out of the kitchen." "Out." " He did it." "Out." "Out." "Out." "Well, it's off to the shelter." "Oh, honey." "I think it's wonderful that you're helping the less fortunate on Thanksgiving." "I guess." "Did I tell you that Channel Four is sending a camera crew down to cover this?" "God knows that The Hilary Show could use some publicity." "There is no limit to your giving, is there, Miss Hilary?" "Thank you, Geoffrey, that's so sweet." "All set?" "I'm not going." "Wait." "Carlton, didn't you call down to the shelter and volunteer?" "I called down and put my name on a volunteer list." "But I'm not physically going down there." "But don't worry, it'll still look good on my résumé." "Carlton, if you said you were going down to help, you get down there." "But, Mom, I can't drive through that part of town." "There are homeless people down there." "Okay, fine." "But before I go, I'm taking the pennies out of my loafers." "Hey, where they at?" "Hey." "Oh, my goodness." "You get prettier every year, sweetie." "It's like looking in a mirror." "Carlton." "I'm sorry we have to go, but they're expecting us down at the shelter." " Oh, okay." " Okay." "We'll see you later." " All right." "Bye-bye." "All right, all right." "Hear that, Vy?" "They're off to help at the shelter." " Oh." " Isn't she a saint?" "A regular Mother Teresa." "How was the trip?" " Oh, well, a little bumpy." " Turbulence?" "No, no, no." "For five hours straight, Helen never stopped moving." "Well, that's why I've always had a boyfriend." "You know that's right." "Hattie girl, you look younger every time I see you." "Oh, you're just saying that." "Oh, but don't feel you have to stop." "Hi, Aunt Vy." "Hi, Aunt Helen." " Ashley." " Oh, Ashley, sweetie pie." " Hello." " How you doing?" "I guess you're gonna be rolling up those sleeves and helping us in the kitchen?" "I can't wait to get elbow deep in them turkey gizzards." "Honey, you need to get cable." "Just because I'm a woman, I'm suppose to don an apron on Thanksgiving?" "I don't think so." "Well, I guess somebody burned their training bra." "Aunt Helen, you ever heard of traveling light?" "And that's probably just her makeup." " Oh, sweetie, is it your back?" " Yeah." "I told you the pressures of that trial were gonna get to you." " Are you okay, son?" " Yeah." "I'll be all right, Momma." "Good." "Now, get that trunk out of here." "We need this space to cook in." "And I gotta get back to my stuffing." "Wait, no." "You made the stuffing last year." "That's because you were sick." "This is my natural turn." "Well, wait a minute." "It's my turn to make it after you." "Okay." "Now you're guests in my house." "I'll make the stuffing." "Besides, everybody loves it." "Funny, I don't remember voting." "Uh, no offense, you guys but none of you can hold a candle to my stuffing." "That's because it's so dry, it'd go up in flames." "All I know is, I've been making my stuffing for Philip since he was a boy." "And he always asks for more." "Oh, we all know what a picky eater he is." "Now, Will." "Will." "You grew up on my stuffing." "Now, you tell everybody who's the best." " Oh, well, come on, Mom..." " Uh-uh-uh!" "Excuse us." "Son." "Son, come here." "Let me give you a little piece of advice, huh?" "Never take sides when women are arguing." "You can't win." "Well, Uncle Phil, this is my mom." "I think it'll be all right." "Look at me, boy." "Lesson number one, whatever you say is wrong." "We're all family here, Uncle Phil." "I don't think it's quite that serious." "Well, Mom, I think that your stuffing is the best in the world." " Yes." " What?" "Oh, I mean..." "I'm saying..." "At least that's what I thought before I tried Grandma Hattie's herb stuffing." "Whoo!" "Hey, what is it in there, the rosemary that just drives me crazy?" "What?" "Um..." "Well, I mean, nothing compares to Aunt Helen's mushroom and bacon stuffing." "Ain't that right, Uncle Phil?" "Tsk, tsk, tsk." "Will?" "Well, Aunt Viv." "I mean, when I first tried your apricot stuffing I was like, "Whoo!"" "Ain't that right, Uncle Phil?" "Heh." "You gonna leave me hanging out here like this, huh?" "How about y'all make them all?" " That's a good idea." " Hey, yes." " Okay, I'm for that." " I guess I'll get to cook this year." "And you can judge which is best." "The both of you." "Oh, my God." "Have you ever seen so many fashion don'ts in one room?" "Okay, Hill." "Look, here's the plan." "We get in, do our good deed and get out." "Great." "Wait, I don't see the camera crew anywhere." " Excuse me." "Could you help me?" " The food's over there." "But I'll save a seat for you." "Beauty is such a curse." "Relax." "You have to be patient with these people." "Understanding." " Excuse me." " Hey, pal." "Can't you see I'm talking?" "I'm Larry Wilmore." "The shelter manager." "Manager?" "Carlton Banks here." "Wow, you're awfully young to have such an important position." "And fit too." "You work out, don't you?" "So, Lare, listen." "I've taken the liberty of drafting up a little letter of recommendation." "So if you'd be kind enough to put your John Hancock..." "The film crew called and they said they're gonna be a little delayed." "But in the meantime, Sylvia over there will give you your jobs." "Oh, don't be silly." "I already have a job." "I'm a famous talk-show hostess." "Well, not exactly famous but I would be if more people watched my show." "But really, how famous was Oprah before she was famous?" "Sylvia." "Uh, Hilary and Carlton need their assignments." "And I suddenly need my medication." "Excuse me." "We'll talk later, Lare." "Okay." "Here you go." "Oh, no, thank you." "I'm already fully accessorized." " Come on." "Come on." "Come on." " Come on." "Come on." "Come on." "Oh, man." "He can't catch a cold." "Phil, I need you and Will to move that luggage upstairs." "Relax." "Relax." "Right after this play, sweetheart." "That should give us at least another half hour." "You know, I once told her that the Fiesta Bowl was a three-day event." "I didn't have to do anything all weekend." "Nicky, we are learning from the master." "Holidays are the reason they should've passed the ERA." "Give it a rest." "Ooh." "The student has become the teacher." "All right." "Vy, I'm gonna need this area to chop up my onions." "No, no, no." "Not before I chop up my parsley." "I don't want your onions ruining my stuffing." "Believe me, you don't need my onions to ruin your stuffing." "Children, please." "Just like you, moving in on somebody." "You're the one to talk." "I had my own room before you came along." "Why don't you let that go?" "You hold on to things like a rottweiler." "Now, why did you have to go there?" "What are you talking about, "holding on to something"?" "I'm glad I never had daughters." "Just push your little onions right over there." "You can't make no..." "Did you move that luggage yet?" "We'll get it right after this play, Aunt Viv." "Now!" "What'd I do wrong?" "You didn't believe." " Come on, let's get this big piece first." " All right." "Count of three, Uncle Phil." " Okay." "Take it easy now." " All right." "Ready?" "Okay." "One, two..." "Oh, come on, man." "Look at this stu..." "I don't believe this guy." "Mommy, Daddy's fallen and he can't get up." "What happened?" "Philip, what happened?" "Oh, my back." "My back went completely out." "Oh, honey, I'll call the doctor." "Why didn't you lift?" "Uncle Phil, you never said, three." "I did say three." "I said, one, two, three." "No, you didn't, Uncle Phil." "You said, "One, two." But then when..." "I said, three." "Oh, God." "I just need to lie down." " Here." "Let me give you a hand." " Don't touch me." "Philip, honey, what happened in here?" "Oh, my poor baby." "Can I get you anything?" "I'll take a gin and tonic." "Could somebody put a pillow under my legs, please?" "Of course." "Oh, my stuffing." "Honey, I just talked to Dr. Selkin." "He can't see you until Monday morning." "His physical therapist is available tomorrow." "Oh, well, I guess I just have to wait, then." "Oh, honey, just lay here." "If you need anything, I'll be in the kitchen." "You cannot trust those women." "Oh, no, but, Viv..." "Viv..." "Vivian, you just..." "Get away from me." "Look, Uncle Phil, you're obviously in pain, man." "Why wait until tomorrow?" "I say we hop in the car, head down to one of them acu-pressure places." "I don't think so." "Yeah, yeah." "You're probably right, Uncle Phil." "And, you know, tonight, while we're all in the dining room having turkey and four different kinds of stuffing and mashed potatoes and sweet potato pie, cranberry sauce..." " Ooh, ooh, ooh." "And little tiny onions swimming in a sea of cream sauce." "Yeah, you gonna be right here on the couch." "But that's all right." "Don't worry about it." "I'll have a word with Geoffrey." "Have him mix you up, like, a turkey smoothie." "Well..." "Well, now, Will, I..." "I am in pain." "Yeah, that's right, Uncle Phil." "Let's get in the car, let's head down there." "Okay, okay." "Careful now." " All right." "On three." " Count of three." "Okay." "Ready?" "One, two, three." " Oh, come on." " Aah!" "That time, you definitely said three." "Hey, can you hook me up with some more potatoes?" "Move it along." "Everyone gets the same amount." "But I'm a growing boy." "Just because somebody stunted your growth doesn't mean you need to take it out on me." "Is that a short joke?" "Why, did it go over your head?" "Now, that was a short joke." "Look, you mangy little rapscallion..." "Hey, Mr. Wilmore." "I'm just giving the customers what they want." "How about some more turkey, young fella?" "Just tell me when." "What are you doing?" "This food has to feed everybody." "For somebody who wants to go to Princeton, I'd expect more common sense." "Hey." "Maybe you ought to look into community college." "Hold on, there." "I ain't done yet." "Wait." "Ain't you that beautiful lady from before?" "Oh, yes, I am." "Damn, baby." "Look like somebody hit you with an ugly stick." "Sylvia, you can tell Mr. Wilmore that I quit." "Is that what you want me to tell the news crew when they show up?" "You wouldn't." "Try me." "This isn't fair." "Oh, please don't be mean to me." "Well, I guess you don't have to be any kind of actress to be a talk-show host." "Great, a critic." "I don't see why you're making me clear dishes." "You wanna wash?" "That's a good one." "No, I was thinking of something more along the line of hostessing." "I could greet the people as they come in with a smile and hand them their menus and take them to their seats." " Clear." " I'll split my tips with you." " Clear." " Are you all right?" " Yeah." "Now, come on." "Come on." "Take it easy." "Take it easy." "Hey, hi." "Let's go here and let's lay you down on the couch so you can get comfortable." " Okay." "All right, we're gonna go down on the count of three." "You ready?" "I'm gonna go ahead and let you take your own count." " Don't touch me." " All right." "Hey." "How you doing?" "May I help you?" "Actually, it's for my uncle, you know?" "He needs a deep-tissue massage." "As you can see, the brother do got some deep tissue." "You know what I'm saying?" "You know?" "What about you?" "Oh, no, no." "I'm cool." "I'm all right, thanks." "I'll give you the massage personally." "Actually, I do got a kink right in here, you know." "Very tight." "Is dinner ready yet?" "Not quite, honey." "Almost." "Well, can't you just hit me with a little somethin'- somethin'?" "Not until dinner, honey." "Aw, man." "Yes." "I make this stuffing for all my men." "And they always come back for more." "Yeah, because they forgot their shoes." "You're just jealous, Vy." "Jealous because I'm fine." "Fine." "Fine." "Well, I've been told that I'm very sexy." "Nine hundred numbers don't count." "Geoffrey." "What do you think?" "Who's more desirable?" "It's a tie." "You both lose." "Oh, Ashley, honey, would you like to help?" "Help set women back a hundred years?" "No, thank you." "Oh, shut up, Ashley." "Just my luck." "There's some fire that's delayed the news crew." "They might not make it here." "Oh, you just can't catch a break, can you?" "You do understand." "Oh, who asked you, anyway?" "Hey, uh, I didn't get you in trouble with the old man, did I?" "Move it along, rat boy." "And I didn't mean anything by the short crack." "Isn't there a vending machine you should be kicking over or some other havoc you should be wreaking?" "Oh, I see." "Just because I'm in a place like this, I should be committing crimes?" "What kind of a narrow-minded elitist view of the world do you have?" "You come down here once a year, give a guy a couple slices of turkey and all of a sudden you think you're better than he is?" "I didn't mean anything by it." "I had you going." "You're a gullible little fellow, aren't you?" "Today is your lucky day." "You get a choice of body oils." "We have cinnamon, honeysuckle and our holiday special, cranberry." "Do you have anything a little lower in cholesterol?" "Baby, you could use Pennzoil, olive oil hell, you can even buff me up with some Turtle Wax." "I don't care." "Just work it, girl." "Oh, this is heavenly." "Oh!" "Oh, that's definitely the right spot." "Oh, that is definitely my spot." "How you living over there, Uncle Phil?" "I believe the correct term is large." "How about you?" "Oh, it is all good." "Would you like the special?" "Baby, I will take the special with a side of coleslaw and some extra biscuits." "One special coming right up." "Will, we're getting out of here." "Uh, yeah, Uncle Phil." "You go ahead and warm the car up." "I'll be out in about 10 minutes." "Now!" "Call me." "You call me." " I can't believe I let you talk me into this." " No big deal." " Freeze." "Oh!" "Yeah, maybe this is a big deal, Uncle Phil."