"[Telephone Ringing]" "[Ringing Continues ]" "Hello." "What?" "." "No, I don't work today." "I'm playing hockey at 2:00." "Whydon'tyou call Randal?" "'Cause I'm fuckin'tired!" "I just closed last night." "What?" "." "I've got a hockey game!" "." "I'm not doing it." "Jesus." "What time do you think you're gonna come in, 1 2:00?" "." "Be there by 1 2:00?" "." "Where?" "." "Swear you'll be there by 1 2:00 and I'll do it." "12:00 orl walk." "##["Clerks"]" "[ Slurping ]" "# It's a meaningless end to the story#" "# Got no time for the forgotten glory#" "# Got no choice when I know what I'm after#" "# It just brings me to laughter#" " #Just save up all your nickels and dimes # - [ Engine Starts ]" "# Let's see whatyou'llfind andyou know#" "# I guess I'm living day-to-day#" "#Just hope that you get led astray, hell,yeah#" "# I guess I'm living day-to-day#" "# Hearwhat I say,yeah#" "#Just save up allyournickels anddimes #" "# Let's see what you'll find andyou know #" "# Ijust diedfora piece ofthe pie but#" "# I'dbe glad tojust feast on some pie crust#" "# Andnowjust when I know what I'm after#" "# Itjust brings me to laughter#" "#Justsave up allyournickels anddimes #" " # Let's see whatyou'll find andyou know#" " Shit!" "# I guess I'm living day-to-day Yeah#" "#Just hope thatyou get ledastray, hell,yeah#" "# I guess I'm living day-to-day#" "# Hearwhat I say#" "# It's a meaningless end to the story#" "# Got no time forthe forgotten glory#" "# Got no choice when I know what I'm after #" "# Itjust brings me to laughter #" "#Just save up allyournickels and dimes #" "# Let's see whatyou find andyou know #" "# I guess I'm living day-to-day Yeah#" "#Just hope thatyou get ledastray#" "# Hell,yeah#" "# I guess I'm living day-to-day Yeah#" "# Hearwhat I say Oh,yeah#" "# Ooh-hoo ##" "Thanks." "Have a good one." " Doyou mind ifl drink this here?" "." " Sure." "Go ahead." " You open?" " Yeah." " Pack of cigarettes." " Areyou sure?" "." " Am I sure?" "." " Areyou sure?" "." " Am I sure aboutwhat?" "." " Doyou reallywanna buy those cigarettes?" "." " Areyou serious?" "." " How long you been smoking?" "." " What is this, a poll?" "." " How long you been a smoker?" "." "I don't know." "Since I was about 1 3." "Thirteen." "Let's see, you're about 1 9, 20?" "." " Am I right?" "." " What in the hell is that?" "." "That's your lung." "Bythis time, your lung looks like this." " You've gotta be shitting me." " You think I'm shittingyou?" "." " Here." "What's this?" "." "A trach ring." "It's what they install inyourthroatwhen cancertakesyourvoice box." "This one came out ofa 60-year-old man." " Oh, God!" "He smoked until the day he died." " Used to put the cigarette in this and smoke thatway." " Excuse me, but" "This is whereyou're heading." "Cruddy lung, smoking through a hole inyourthroat." " Doyou reallywant that?" "." " Ifit's alreadytoo late, I guess" "No, it's nevertoo late." "Put the cigarettes back, and try some gum instead." " Here." "Chewlies gum." "Trythis." " It's not the same." "It's cheaperthan cigarettes, and it certainly beats this." " Oh,Jesus!" " It's a picture ofa cancer-ridden lung." "Keep it." " I'll just take the gum." " Fifty-five." "You made a verywise choice." "Keep up the good work." "Ifyou're gonna drinkthat coffee, I thinkyou oughta take it outside, huh?" "." "I think I'll drink it in here." "Thanks." "Ifyou're gonna drink it in here, I'd appreciate it if you don't botherthe customers." "Okay." "I'm sorry about that." " Packof cigarettes." "What's that?" "." " This?" "." "How long you been smoking?" "." "Yo, we need some tits and ass!" "Yeah!" "I feel good today, Silent Bob." "We're gonna make some money." "And you knowwhatwe're gonna do?" "." "We're gonna go to that party and get some pussy." "I'm gonna fuck this bitch." "I'm gonna fuckthis bitch." "I'll fuckanything that moves!" "What the fuckyou lookin' at?" "." "I'll kickyourfuckin' ass!" "Shit,yeah." "Don't that motherfucker owe me ten bucks?" "." "You know, tonightwe're going to rip offthis fucker's head, take out his fuckin' soul." "Remind me ifhe tries to buy something." "I'm gonna shit in the motherfucker's bag." " [Girl Laughing]" " What's up, baby?" "." "What's up, sluts?" "." "Shit." "Silent Bob, you're a rude motherfucker, you know that?" "." "You're cute as hell." "I could go down on you, suckyou..." "line up three otherguys, make like a circus seal." "Ew, you fucking faggot." "I hate guys." "I love women!" "Whatyou want, Grizzly Adams?" "." "You selling, man?" "." " Whatyou want, man?" "." "You 5-0?" "." "5-0?" "." "I never even been to Hawaii." "Yeah, man." "I got hits, hash, coke, weed, and nextwe gonna have some 'shrooms." "I'll take cash, noVisa or Mastercard." "Come on, motherfucker." "Whatyou want?" "." "Hurry up!" "You're spending what, 20, maybe 30 dollars a weekon your cigarettes?" "." " Yeah." " Forty." " Fifty-three." "Fifty-three dollars a week on cigarettes!" "Come on!" "Would you give somebody that much money each weekto kill you?" "." "That's whatyou're doing now by paying forthis so-called privilege to smoke!" "We're gonna croaksometime." "It's that mentalitythat allows the cancer-producing industryto thrive." "Of coursewe're all gonna die someday!" "Dowe have to payfor it?" "." "Dowe have to actuallythrow hard-earned dollars down on the counter... and say, "Please, Mr. Merchant of Death, sir, please..." ""sell me something thatwill stink up my breath and clothes..." " andfrymylungs!"" " What, doyou think it's easyto quit?" "No, of course it's not easyto quit!" "Notwhen you got people like this mindless cretin readyto sell you nails inyour coffin!" "[Dante] Now, waitasecond." "Here comes thespeech about howhe's just doinghisjob byfollowing orders." "Let me tell you about another group ofhate-mongers thatwere just following orders." "Theywere called Nazis!" "Fuckin' Nazi." "They practicallywiped an entire nation offthe Earth, likeyour cigarettes are doing now!" "You know the people that partake in the practice ofsmoking... orthe selling ofthewares that promote it are the Nazi's ofthe 90s!" "Doyou think he cares how many people die from it?" "." " Fuck, no." " No!" "He smiles asyou buyyour cancer sticks and he says "Have a nice day"." " I thinkyou oughta leave." " You want me to leave." "Why?" "." "'Cause somebody's telling it like it is, giving these fine people a wake-up call?" "." " Yeah." " No, you're loitering and causing a disturbance." "I'm a disturbance?" "." "You're the disturbance, pal." "Here, now I am a customer." "I'm gonna buy some Chewlies gum." "I'm a customer engaged in a discussion with the other customers." "Shut upand smoke mybigfat cock!" "He's scared now 'cause he sees the threatwe present." " He smells the change is coming!" " You cansmellit." "Yeah, and the loss ofsales when the non-smokers demand satisfaction!" "Man, we demand the right to breathe clean air!" " Oh, yeah!" " Yeah!" "We're gonna chew this gum, then embraceyour slow death!" "Let's abolish this heinous act ofsmoking!" "Ifit means ruffling the feathers... ofsome convenience store idiot, so be it!" " Oh, now that's it, everybody out!" " We're not moving." "We have a constitutional right to assemble and be heard!" "Yeah, but not in here." " What better place than this, then?" "." "Ifyou wanna stamp this thing out, you start at the source." "Here!" "Like I'm responsible for all the smokers!" "In this area, you are responsible!" "You encourage the growth oftheir habit." "You definitely are the source in this area, and we're gonna shutyou down for good!" "For good, cancer merchant!" "[ Chanting ] Cancer merchant!" "Cancer merchant!" "[ Chanting ] Cancer merchant!" "Cancer merchant!" " [ Liquid Sprays ] - [ Coughing ]" "Who's leading this mob?" "." " Let's get out ofhere." "[ Coughing ] That guy." "[Woman] Freeze!" "Let's see some credentials." "Slowly!" "You're a Chewlies gum representative?" "." "You're stirring up anti-smoking sentiment towhat, sell more gum?" "." "Get out ofhere!" "And you people" " Don'tyou havejobs to go to?" "." "Get out ofhere." "Go commute." "You oughta be ashamed ofyourselves." "A bunch of easily-led automatons." "Trythinking foryourselves beforeyou pelt an innocent man with cigarettes!" "[ Coughing, Clears Throat]" "Uh, packof cigarettes?" "." "Looked likeTiananmen Square in here for a second." "Thankyou, Veronica." "You saved me from an extremely ugly mob scene." "Okay, champ, what's wrong?" "." "Alright, stupid question, but don'tyou thinkyou're taking this a bit too hard?" "." "I have enough indignities in my life and people start throwing cigarettes at me." "At least theyweren't lit." " Oh, I hate this fucking place." "Then quit." "You should be going to school anyway." "Please, Veronica, the last thing I need is a lecture." "All I'm saying is, ifyou're that unhappy, you should leave." " I'm not even supposed to be here today!" " I know." "I stopped byyour house." "Your mom told me you left, like, at 6:00 or something." "The guy got sick." "He couldn't come in." " Don'tyou have a hockey game at 2:00?" "." " Yes." "And I'm gonna play like shit because I didn't have a good night's sleep." "Why'dyou agree to come in then?" "." " Hey, I'm only here until 1 2:00." "Afterthat, I'm gone." "The boss comes in." "Why don'tyou open the shutters?" "." "Get some sunlight in here." " Someonejammed gum in the locks." "You're kidding." " Bunch ofsavages in this town." "You look bushed." "What time didyou get in?" "." "I don't know." "2:30, 3:00?" "." "Whatwereyou doing up so late?" "." " Nothin'." "Whatwereyou doing?" "." "Nothing!" "Do I gotta fightwithyou now?" "." "Who's fighting?" "." "Whyareyou so defensive?" "." "Who's defensive?" "." "Will you just hug me?" "." "Your boyfriend was just accosted by an angry mob." "He needs to be hugged." "What?" "." "What is it?" "." " She called you, didn't she?" "." " Stop it." "I justwent through a verytraumatic experience... and I haven't been having the best day so far." "Come on!" "What is that look?" "." "Fine." "I wasn't talking to anybody, especially her." "Lookatyou, being all sorts ofstandoffish." "All right, fine." "You don't trust me, don't hug me." "All right." "I see how it is." "Okay, miss pissypants, you just sit there being all suspicious and quiet." "I don't even want a hug from you at this point." "I'll giveyou a dollar." " Thanks." " How much money didyou leave up there?" "." "Like three dollars in mixed change and a couple ofsingles." "This time in the morning, peoplejust get a paper or coffee." "You're trusting." "Why doyou saythat?" "." "How doyou know they're taking the right amount of change or even paying forwhat theytake?" "." "Theoretically, people see money on the counter, no one around... theythink they're being watched." "Honestythrough paranoia." "Why doyou smell like shoe polish?" "." "I needed shoe polish to make that sign out there." " Smell won't come off." " [DoorOpens]" "You thinkanybody can see us down here?" "." "Why, you wanna have sex or something?" "." " Can we?" "." " Really?" "." " I was kidding." " Likeyou can't get enough ofme." " Typically male point ofview." " How doyou figure?" "." "Show some bedroom proficiency, you thinkyou're gods." "What aboutwhatwe do foryou?" "." "Women as lovers are basicallythe same;, theyjust have to be there." " Be there?" "." " Making a male climax isn't at all challenging." "Insert somewhere close, preferably moist, thrust, repeat." "How flattering." " Now, making a woman come, therein lies a challenge." " You thinkso?" "." "Awoman makes a guy come, it's standard." "A guy makes a woman come, it's talent." "And I actually dateyou?" "." " Something wrong?" "." "I'm insulted." "Believe me, Don Juan, it takes more than that to get a guy off." "Just being there, as you put it, is not enough." "Hmm, I've touched a nerve." "I'm astonished you trivialize my role in our sex life." "Itwasn't directed atyou." "I was making a broad generalization." "You're making a generalization about broads." "Those are my opinions based on the fewwomen whowere goodly enough to sleepwith me." " How many?" "." " How manywhat?" "." "How many different girls haveyou sleptwith?" "." " Didn'twe have this discussion once before?" "." " We might have." " I don't remember." "How many?" "." " Includingyou?" "." "It better be up to and including me." "Twelve." "You sleptwith 1 2 different girls?" "." "Includingyou?" "." "Yes." " Ow!" "What'dyou do that for?" "." "You're a pig!" "Why'dyou hit me?" "." " Doyou know how manydifferent men I've had sexwith?" "." "Do I get to hityou afteryou tell me?" "." " Three." " Three?" "." " Three, including you." " You only sleptwith three different people?" "." " I'm not the pig you are." " Who?" "." " You!" " No, who are the three, besides me." "John Francin and Rob Stanslik." " Wow." "That's whyyou should feel like a pig." "You men make me feel sick." " You'll sleepwith anything that says yes." " Animal, mineral orvegetable?" "." "Vegetable, meaning paraplegic." "They put up the least amount ofstruggle." " After dropping a bombshell like that, you owe me big." " Name it." " I wantyou to comewith me on Monday." " Where?" "." "To school." "There's a seminar about getting back... into a scholastic program after a lapse in enrollment." " Can'twe ever have a discussion without that coming up?" "." " It's important to me, Dante." "You have so much potential that's going towaste in this pit." " I wishyou'd go backto school." "Jesus, wouldyou stop." "You're making my head hurt." "Shit!" "Why'reyou getting up?" "." "Unlikeyou, I have a class in 45 minutes." "Willam?" "." "Hey, Ronni." "Howyou been, man?" "." "What, doyou work here now?" "." "No, I was visiting my man." "Dante, this is Willam Black." "This is Dante Hicks, my boyfriend." " Howyou doing?" "." "Just the soda?" "." " No, and a packof cigarettes." "Sowhereyou been, man?" "." "Still going to Seton Hall?" "." "No, I transferred into Monmouth this year." "I was tired ofmissing him." "That's beautiful, man." "So,you still talkto Silvan?" "." "I just talked to her on Monday." "We still hang out on weekends." "Oh, that's great." "Well,you two lovebirds take it easy, okay?" "." "Bye." "Take it easy." " [Ronni] That was Snowball." " Whydoyoucallhim that?" "Silvan made it up." "It's a blowjob thing." "What doyou mean?" "." "After he gets a blowjob, he likes to have it spit back... into his mouth while kissing;" "it's called snowballing." " He requests this?" "." " He gets offon it." " Silvan can be talked into anything." "Why doyou saythat?" "." "Likeyou said, she snowballed him." " Silvan?" "." "No, I snowballed him." "Yeah, right." "I'm serious." "You sucked that guy's dick?" "." "Yeah." "How doyou think I knew" "You saidyou only had sexwith three different guys!" "You never mentioned him!" " Because I never had sexwith him." " You sucked his dick!" "Wewent out a few times." "We never had sex, butwe fooled around." "Oh, myGod." "Why did you tell me you only had sexwith three guys?" "." "Because I did only have sex with three guys." " It doesn't mean I didn't just gowith people." " Oh, myGod, I feel so nauseous!" " I'm sorry, Dante." "I thoughtyou understood." " I did understand!" "I understood thatyou had sex with three guys and that's all you said!" " Please calm down." " How many?" "." " Dante, let it go!" " How many dicks haveyou sucked?" "." "Shut up a second and I'll tell you.Jesus!" "I didn't freakout like this when you told me how many girlsyou fucked!" "This is different." "This is important." "Howmany?" "Well?" "." " Something like 36." " What?" "." "Something like 36?" "." " Loweryourvoice." " What is that anyway-- "something like 36"?" "." "Does that include me?" "." " Uh... 37." " I'm 37?" "." " I'm going to class." " Oh, myGod." "Thirty-seven!" "My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!" " In a row?" "." " Whereyougoing?" " Hey, listen,jerk." "Until today, you never even knew... how many guys I slept with becauseyou never even bothered to ask." "Then you act all nonchalant about fucking 1 2 girls." "I never had sexwith 1 2 guys!" " No, butyou sucked enough dick!" " Yeah, I went down on a few guys." " A few?" "." " One ofthose guys was you." "The last one, I might add." "Which, ifyou're too stupid to comprehend, means that I've been faithful toyou sincewe met." "All the other guys I wentwith before I metyou." "Ifyou want to have a complex, go ahead." "But don't lookat me like I'm the town whore becauseyou were plenty busy beforeyou met me." "Why did you sucktheir dick?" "." "Why couldn'tyou sleepwith them like any other decent person?" "." "Because going down isn't a big deal." "I used to like a guy, we'd make out, and sooner or later I'd go down on him." "But I only had sexwith the guys I loved." "I feel sick." "I loveyou!" "Don't feel sick." "Everytime I kiss you, I'm gonna taste 36 other guys." " I'm going to school." "Maybe later you'll be a bit more rational." " I'm 37!" "I just can't" "Good-bye, Dante!" "Hey, try not to suck any dick on thewaythrough the parking lot!" "Hey!" "Hey, you!" "Get back here." "I thought that placewas supposed to be open at 1 1 :00." "It's 1 1 :20." "I've already called his house twice." "He'll be here soon." "Hey, it's not like it's a demanding job overthere." "I'd like to get paid to sit on my ass and watch TV." "I walked in the other day, that son ofa bitch was sleeping." " I'm sure hewasn't sleeping." "Areyou calling me a liar?" "." "Areyou calling me a liar?" "." " No!" "Hewas probably just resting his eyes." "What the hell is that, "resting his eyes"?" "." " Like he's some airtraffic controller?" "." " Actually, that's his nightjob." "Wise ass too, huh?" "." "Go ahead." "Keep cracking wise." "That's whyyou'rejockeying a register in some fuckin' local convenience store... instead ofworking at a steadyjob." "I've got no time to bullshit around here, waiting forthat son ofa bitch." "Make sure he gets that." "The number's 81 2." "My name's Wynarski." "I wanted a movie tonight." "Ifyou tell me the title ofthe movie, he'll hold it foryou." "Don't hurtyourself, buddy." "I'll go to Big ChoiceVideo instead." "[DoorOpens, Closes]" "You forgotyour keys." " Guy ain't hereyet." " You're kidding!" "It's almost 1 1 :30." " I've been here since 1 1 :00." " I hate itwhen I can't rentvideos!" "I would'vewent to Big Choice, but the tape I want is right in thatwall." "Which one?" "." " "Dental School."" "You came forthat too?" "." "That's the movie I came for." " I have first dibs." " Says who?" "." "Says me." "I've been here for halfan hour." "I'd call that first dibs." " Ain't gonna happen, myfriend." "I'm getting that movie." " Like hell you are." "I'll betyou 20 bucksyou don't get to rent that tape." "Twenty bucks?" "." " Twenty bucks." " All right, asshole." "You're on." " [Engine Starts]" "You're late." " What the hell areyou doing here?" "." " The boss called." "Arthurfell ill." " Why are the shutters closed?" "." " Someonejammed gum in the locks." " Bunch ofsavages in this town." "That's what I said." "IfI'd knownyou were here, I'd have come even later." " Whatsmells likeshoepolish?" " Go open the store." " Hey, you see a set ofkeys around here?" "." " No time for love, Dr.Jones." "Fucking kids." "Some guyjust came in refusing to pay late fees." "Said the storewas closed fortwo hours yesterday." "I tore up his membership." " Shocking abuse ofauthority." " I'm a firm believer in the philosophy ofa ruling class... especially since I rule." " Is the pelican flying?" "." " Don't screwwith it." "It makes us looksuspicious." "I can't stand a voyeur." "I'll be back." " [Randal] You wantsomething to drink?" "I'm buying." " [Dante] No, thanks." "Whowas on your phone this morning, like 2:30?" "." " I was trying to call for halfan hour." " Why?" "I wanted to useyour car." "Snack cake." "You don'twanna know." " You call Caitlin again?" "." " She called me." "You tell Veronica?" "." " One fight a daywith Veronica is all I can stomach, thanks." "What doyou fight about?" "." "We don't fight about anything." "Shewants me to leave here and go backto school and get some direction." " I bet the most frequent topic ofarguments is Caitlin Bree." " You win." "I'm going to offeryou some advice, myfriend." "Let the past be the past." "Forget Caitlin Bree." "You been with Veronica how long now?" "." " Seven months." " Chick's nuts aboutyou." " How long you date Caitlin?" "." " Fiveyears." "Chick only madeyou nuts, man." "She cheated on you how manytimes?" "." " Eight and a half." " Eight and a half?" "." "Party atJohn Kay's, senioryear;" "I get blitzed, pass out in his bedroom." " Caitlin comes in and jumps all over me." " So that's cheating?" "." " No." "In the middle ofit she called me Brad." " She calledyou Brad?" "." "That's not cheating." "People say crazy shit during sex." " One time, I called this girl "mom."" " I hit the light, she freaks." " She thought I was Brad Michelson." " What doyou mean?" "." "Shewas supposed to meet Brad in a dark bedroom." "She picked thewrong one." " She didn't even know I was at the party." " Oh, my God." " Great story, huh?" "." " That girl was vile toyou." "Interesting postscript to that story." "Doyou knowwhowound up in that bedroom with Brad?" "." " Your mother?" "." " Alan Harris." " Chess team Alan Harris?" "." " The two moved to Idaho together." "They raise sheep." " That's frightening." " Takes different strokes to move theworld." "In light ofthis lurid tale, I don't see... howyou could romanticize your relationshipwith Caitlin." "She brokeyour heart and inadvertently drove men to deviant lifestyles." "Therewas a lot ofgood in our relationship." "Aside from the cheating, wewere a great couple." "That's what high school was about:" "algebra, bad lunch and infidelity." "You thinkthings will be different this time?" "." "Theyare." "When she calls me now, she's a different person." "She's frightened, vulnerable." "She's finishing college and about to enter the real world." "That's scaryfor anyone." " Shit, I gotta place an order." " Talkin' to myselfhere." " I'm listening." "She's leaving college and" " And she's looking for support." " I thinkthis is leading our relationship to a new level." "What aboutVeronica?" "." "I thinkthe arguments Veronica and I are having are some kind ofmanifestation... ofa subconscious desire to break upwith her... so I can pursue a more meaningful relationshipwith Caitlin." " Caitlin's on the samewavelength?" "." " It's safe to sayyes." " I thinkall four ofyou better sit down and talk it over." "All four?" "." "You, Veronica, Caitlin and Caitlin's fiance." " Doyousell video tapes?" " Yeah." "What areyou looking for?" "." " "HappyScrappy Hero Pup."" " Uh, one second." "I'm on the phonewith the distribution house." "Let me make sure they got it." " What's it called again?" "." " "HappyScrappy Hero Pup."" " [ Child ] HappyScrappy" " She loves it." " Obviously." "This is RSTVideo calling." "Customer number 4352." "I'd like to place an order." "I need one each ofthe following tapes:" ""Whispers In TheWind," "To Each His Own,"" ""Put ItWhere It Doesn't Belong," "My Pipes Need Cleaning,"" ""All Tit Fucking, Volume Eight," "I Need YourCock,"" ""Ass WorshippingRimJobbers, " "MyCuntAnd Eight Shafts, "" ""Cum Clean," "Cum Gargling Naked Sluts," "Cum Buns III,"" ""Cumming In Socks," "Cum On Eileen,"" ""Huge BlackCocks With PearlyWhite Cum,"" ""Girls Who Crave Cock, " "Girls Who Crave Cunt, "" ""Men Alone II:" "The K.Y. Connection," "Pink Pussy Lips,"" "oh, yeah, and, uh, "All Holes Filled With Hard Cock."" "Yep." "Oh, wait a minute." "Whatwas that called again?" "." "Yes, I'dlike to check on a misprint in today's edition." "Today's edition." "It says, "Bree towed Asian design major."" "No, everything's spelled fine." "I was just wondering ifthe articlewas a misprint." "Idon'tknow, like a typographicalerrororsomething." "Maybe itshouldsay, "Caitlin Bray" or "Caitlin Bre"with one "E"." "I'm a curious party." "A curious party." "I'm an ex-boyfriend, and, well..." "I talk to herall the time and she nevermentionedthis engagement." "That's whyi'm thinking maybe it's a misprint." "Are you sure?" "." "Maybe there's a vindictive printerworking foryou." "Meaninglike, someone who askedherout once andgotshot down... andthis is his revenge by putting this bogus article in the paperwhen it went to press." "Hello." "Hello?" "." "[ Sniffing ]" "Not on me, she says." "So I had to spank it to get it on." "So I pull it out, and I bust a fat-ass nut all over her belly... and I got out ofthere just as her unclewalks in." "I tell you, itwas a close call." "I don't care ifshe's my cousin, I'm gonna knockthose boots again tonight." "Lookwho it is." "The fuckin' human vacuum." "Scumbag, what areyou doing?" "." "Just hanging with Silent Bob and his cousin." " He'syour cousin?" "." " He's from Russia, too." " Noway." "It's true." "Silent Bob, am I lying?" "." "See, and Silent Bob nevertold a lie in his life." " What part of Russia?" "." " I don't know." "Do Ilook like his fuckin'biographer?" " Olaf, what part of Russia areyou from?" "." " Moscow." " He only speaks Russian?" "." " He speaks some English, but he cannot speak it good like we do." " Is he staying here?" "." " Nah, he's moving to the big citythis week." " Hewants to be a metal singer." "[Girl]No way." "Iswear." "Olaf, metal." "That's his fucking metal face." "Olaf, girl nice?" "." " [ Speaks Russian ]" " That's fucked up, man." " What did he say?" "." " I don't know, man, but this guy's a character." " He reallywants to play metal?" "." " Yeah, he's got his own band in Moscow." " It's called "FuckYourYankee bluejeans" or something." "That doesn't sound metal." "You gotta hear him sing." "Olaf, "Berserker."" " Come on, man, "Berserker"!" " Does he sing in English or Russian?" "." "In English." "Come on, "Berserker." Girls think sexy." " Aah." "Aah." " Watch, he's gonnasingit." "It's too funny." "# My love foryou is like a truck, berserker #" "#Would you like some making fuck, berserker #" " That's fuckin'funny, man." " Did he say, "making fuck"?" "." "Wait, there's more." "Olaf, sing." "# My love foryou is like truck, berserker #" "#Would you like to smoke some pot, berserker #" "[Science Fiction Movie Sounds, Man Screaming]" "[Sounds Stop]" " Come on, you fuckin' slut." " Cut it out!" "# My love foryou is ticking clock, berserker #" "#Would you like to suck my cock, berserker ##" "That's beautiful, man." "Hold on to the counter and I'll pull." "Usually I just turn the can upside down." "Maybewe oughta soapyour hand up." "They oughta put a warning on these things, like they dowith cigarettes." " I think it's coming!" " [Falls On Floor]" "Thanks." "I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital." "I'll throw this out as a precautionary measure." "[ Chuckling ] Stings a little." "A littleword ofadvice:" "Sometimesyou got to let those hard-to-reach chips go." " [DoorOpens]" " Thanks." "You know, that article's accurate?" "." "Caitlin really is getting married." " You knowwhat I justwatched?" "." " Me pulling a can offsome moron's fist?" "." " Return OfTheJedi." " Didn'tyou hear me?" "." "Caitlin is really getting married." "What didyou like better:" "Jedi orthe Empire Strikes Back?" "." " Empire." " Blasphemy." "Empire had the better ending." "I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds outVader's his father." "Han gets frozen, taken away by Boba Fett." "It ends on such a down note." "I mean, that's what life is:" "a series of down endings." "All Jedi had was a bunch ofmuppets." "Therewas something else going on in Jedi." "I never noticed it till today." " They build another Death Star, right?" "." " Yeah." "The first onewas completed and fully operational before the rebels destroyed it." "Luke blew it up." "Give creditwhere credit's due." " The second onewas still being builtwhen they blew it up." " Compliments of Lando Calrissian." "Something just never sat rightwith me that second time around." "I could never put myfinger on it, but something justwasn't right." "Andyou figured it out." " The first Death Starwas mannedbythe ImperialArmy." "The onlypeople on boardwere Storm Troopers, dignitaries, Imperials." " Basically." " So when they blew it up, no problem." "Evil's punished." " And the second time around?" "." " Itwasn't even done being builtyet." " Itwas still under construction." " So?" "." "A construction job ofthat magnitude would require... a lot more manpowerthan the Imperial Army had to offer." "I'll bet they brought independent contractors in on that thing." " Plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers" " Notjust Imperialists." " Is thatwhatyou're getting at?" "." " Exactly." "To get it built quicklyand quietly, they'd hire anybodythat could do thejob." "You thinkthe average Storm Trooper knows how to install a toilet main?" "." "All they know is killing." "So they bring in independent contractors." " Why areyou so upset?" "." " Those innocent contractors brought in are killed... casualties ofa war they had nothing to dowith." "Look, you're a roofer." "Somejuicy government contract comes yourway." "You got a wife and kids, the two-story in suburbia." "This is a government contract which means all sorts ofbenefits." "Along come these left-wing militants who blast everything... within a three-mile radius with their lasers." "Youdidn'taskforthat;" "youhadnopersonalpolitics." " You'rejust trying to scrape out a living." " I don't mean to interrupt..." " but what areyou talking about?" "." " The ending of Return OfTheJedi." "Myfriend is trying to convince me that independent contractors working on the Death Star... were innocentvictims when itwas destroyed bythe rebels." "I'm a contractor myself." "I'm a roofer." ""Done And Ready Home Improvements."" "Speaking as a roofer, I can tell you a roofer's personal politics..." " comes into play heavily when choosing jobs." " Like when?" "." "Threeweeks ago, I was offered a job up in the hills." "Beautiful house." "Tons ofproperty." "Asimple re-shinglingjob." "Theytoldme ifl couldfinish it in one day, I woulddouble myprice." " Then I realized whose house it was." " [Dante ] Whose house was it?" " Dominic Bambino's." " Baby Face Bambino?" "." "The gangster?" "." "The same!" "The moneywas right, but the riskwas too high." "I knewwho hewas, and based on that, I turned thejob overto a friend." " Based on personal politics." " Right!" "The nextweek, the Foresie family put a hit on Baby Face's house." " Myfriend was shot and killed." "Didn't even finish re-shingling." " Noway." "I'm alive because Iknewthe risk involvedin thatparticularclient." "Myfriendwasn'tso lucky." "Anycontractorworking on that Death Star knew the risk involved." "Iftheygot killed, it's their own fault." "A roofer listens to this, not his wallet." "They say so much, but they never tell you ifit's any good." "Are either one ofthese any good?" "." " Sir?" "." " What?" "." " Are either one ofthese any good?" "." " I don'twatch movies." "[ Sighs ] Well, haveyou heard anything about either one ofthem?" "." "I find it's best to stay out ofother people's affairs." "You mean you haven't heard anybody say anything about either one ofthese?" "." "Nope." "[ Sighs ]" "Well, what about these two?" "." " They suck." "[ Sighs ] These are the same two movies." " You weren't paying any attention." " No, I wasn't." "I don't thinkyour manager would appreciate it" " I don't appreciateyour ruse, ma'am." " I beg your pardon?" "." "Your ruse." "Your cunning attempt to trick me." "I was only pointing out thatyou weren't paying any attention towhat I was saying." "And I hope it feels good." " You hopewhat feels good?" "." " I hope it feels so good to be right." "There's nothing more exhilarating... than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?" "." "[ HeavySigh ] Well, this is the last time I rent here!" "You will be missed." " Screwyou!" " Hey,you're not allowed to rent here anymore!" " [Jay] Yeah!" "Screw me?" "." "You'll never believewhat this unruly customerjust said." "Wait." " She in here?" "." "This guy's going through all the eggs." "Look." "This has been going on for20minutes now." " What's he lookingfor?" " Saidhe has to findtheperfect dozen." " Perfect dozen?" "." " Each egg has to be perfect." " The quest isn't going well?" " Obviouslynot." " Look at all the cartons that didn't make the grade." " Why doesn't he mix and match?" " I told him that, and he yelled at me." " What'd he say?" "." "He said it was important to have standards." "He says no one has any pride anymore." "It's not likeyou laid the eggs yourself." "I give him five more minutes." "Afterthat, I'm calling the cops." "I don't needthis." "I'm not evensupposed to be here today." "Two packs of cigarettes." " I'm as puzzled as you." " I've actually seen it before." " You know him?" "." " No, but I knowthe behavior." " Let me guess." "He's looking fortheperfect carton ofeggs?" " [Randal] How'dyou know?" " I'llbetyou a million dollars he's a guidance counselor." " [Dante ] Why doyou saythat?" "I saw it happen in Food City, like lastyear." "Different guy, though." "Stock boysaidhe'dbeen looking through cartons ofeggs forhalfan hour... doingallsorts ofendurance tests andstuff." "I askedhim whynobody called the manager." "He said it happens... two, three times a week, sometimes more." " Get out of here." " No, I kid you not." "They call it shell shock." "Seems it only happens with guidance counselors." "Theyusedto make a big dealofit, but theyjustletitgo now... because theyalwayspayforwhatever theybreak, andtheyneverbotheranybody." "Why guidance counselors?" "." "Ifyourjobwas as meaningless as theirs, wouldn'tyou go crazytoo?" "." " Come to thinkofit, my guidance counselorwas kinda worthless." " See?" "." "It's important to have ajob that makes a difference, boys." "That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination." "[Young Girl] Pack ofcigarettes." "Did you ever notice that all the prices end in "9"?" "." "Damn, that's eerie." " Doyou know how much the average jizz-mopper makes per hour?" "." " What's a jizz-mopper?" "." "The guythat cleans up the nudie booths after each guyjerks off." " "Nudie booth"?" "." "Yeah, nudie booth." " You ever been in a nudie booth?" "." " Guess not." "Oh, man, it's great." "You go into this booth, and there's glass between you and these chicks." " And they put on a show foryou for like ten bucks." " What kind ofa show?" "." "Thinkoftheweirdest, craziest shityou'd like to see chicks do." "These chicks do it all." "They insert things into any opening on their body." "Any opening." " Can we not talkabout this now?" "." "Thejizz-mopper's job is to clean it up after each guy shoots a load." "Practically everybody does it right on thewindow." "I don't know ifyou know this, but cum leaves streaks ifyou don't clean it right away." " I will never come to this place again." " Excuse me?" "." "Using filthy language in front of the customers." "You both should be fired." "Oh, I-I'm sorry." "I guess we kinda got carried away." "I don't know ifsorry can make up for it." "You've highly offended me." "Well, ifyou thinkthat's offensive, checkthis out." "Oh!" "[ Screaming ]" " I thinkyou can see her kidneys." " Why doyou do things like that?" "." " You know he's only going to come backand tell the boss." " Who cares?" "." "That guy's an asshole." "Everybody that comes in here is waytoo uptight." "This jobwould be great ifitwasn't forthe fucking customers." "Jesus!" "I'm gonna hear from the boss tomorrow." "Wouldyou loosen up?" "." "You'd feel a lot better ifyou'd just rip into the occasional customer." "Why?" "." "I-I don't botherthem and they don't bother me." "Liar!" "Tell me there aren't customers that annoythe piss out ofyou on a daily basis." " There aren't!" " How can you lie like that?" "." "Why don'tyou vent?" "." "Ventyour frustrations." "Come on." "Who pisses you off?" "." "Well, I guess it isn't customers in particular." "Maybejust a group of customers." "Well, let's hear it." "Well, the Milk Maids." "The Milk Maids?" "." "The women thatgo through everygallon ofmilk, lookingforthatlaterdate." "As ifsomewhere beyondall the other gallons, is a container ofmilk... that won't go bad forlike a decade." "You know who I can do without?" "." "The people in the video store." " Which ones?" "." " All of'em." "Whatwould you get for a six-year-old boy who chronicallywets his bed?" "." "So, doyou have any new movies in?" "." "Doyou have that onewith that guywhowas in that movie thatwas out lastyear?" "." "They never rent qualityflicks." "They always pickthe most intellectually devoid movie on the racks." "Oooh!" "NavySeals!" "It's like, in ordertojoin, they have to have an I.Q less than their shoe size." "You think you get stupid questions?" "." "You should hearthe barrage that I get." "What doyou mean there's no ice?" "." "I've got to drinkthis coffee hot?" "." "So, how much is this thing anyway?" "." "Doyou sell hubcaps for a '72 Pinto hatchback?" "." "Ooh!" "Mini-Trucker magazine." " See?" "." "You vented." "Now don'tyou feel better?" "." " No." " Why not?" "." " Because my ex-girlfriend is getting married." "Jesus, you got a one-track mind." "It's always Caitlin, Caitlin, Caitlin." "Veronica!" " What happened to home by 1 2:00?" "." " Boss hasn't shown upyet." " How comeyou're not in class?" "." " Lit. 1 01 got canceled." " So I stopped home and I broughtyou some lunch." " What is it?" "." "Peanut butter and jellywith the crusts cut off." "What doyou think it is?" "." " It's lasagna." " Really?" "." "Oh, you're the queen." "I'm glad you calmed down a bit." "Hi, Randal." " Thirty-seven?" " Shut up!" "Yes, I've calmed down." "I'm not happy, but I'll be able to deal." " [SuckingSound]" " Why don'tyou go back to thevideo store?" "." " You had to tell him?" "." " I had to tell someone." "He put it into perspective." " What did he say?" "." " He said at least hewasn't 36." "And that madeyou feel better?" "." "And he said that most ofthem were college guys I never even seen or met before." " The ostrich syndrome:" "Ifyou don't see it" " It isn't there." "Yes." " Thankyou for being rational." " Thankyou forthe lasagna." " Couldn't get the shutters open?" "." " No." "I called the locksmith." "He said the earliest he could be here is tomorrow morning." "Bummer." "Well, I gotta head backforthe 1 :30 class." "What timeyou get finished?" "." " 8:00, but I have a sorority meeting till 9:00." "So, I'll seeyou whenyou close then." "Can we go out for coffee?" "." " Sure." " Good." "Seeyou when you close." "Enjoythe lasagna." "[DoorOpens, Closes]" "[ Sucking Sound ]" "[ Drum Beats ]" "Ifyou're really feeling dangerous tonight..." "Smokeyandthe Bandit III is the movieyou must rent." " I don't know." "Burt's not in it." " He wasn't in E.T. neither, but that was a great movie." "Can you go next door?" "." "I gotta make a phone call." "Smokey and the Bandit III, thumbs up, right?" "." "Best Burtless movie ever made." " Oh, what a cute cat." "What's his name?" "." " Lenin's Tomb." "Hello." "Is Mr. Snyderthere?" "This is Dante." "Did he say he was on his way here?" "." "To the convenience store." "Yeah." "The other guy called out sick." "Mr. Snyder asked me to cover till he came in." "He said he'd be here by 1 2:00 and it's already 1 :30... so I was justwondering if" "Excuse me?" "." "Vermont?" "." "No, that can't be." "I just talked to him this morning." "He left atwhat time?" "." "He reallywent toVermont?" "." "When the hell was someone going to tell me?" "." "He promised me he'd be here by noon!" "Jesus, when does he get back?" "." "Tuesday?" "." "You've gotta be fucking kidding me!" "I've got a hockey game at 2:00, and the steel shutters arejammed closed." "And he's in Vermont?" "." "I'm not even supposed to be here today!" "[ Sighing ]" "So I'm stuck here until closing?" "." "Oh, this is just great." "I can't fucking believe this." "Th" "No." "No, I'm sorry." "I didn't mean toyell atyou." "Yeah, I know." "No, I-I'll be all right." "Well, that's all I can do, right?" "." "Yeah." "All right, thanks." "Bye." "Vermont?" "." " Canyou fucking believe this?" "." " He didn't mention that toyou this morning?" "." "Not a word!" "Not a fucking word, that slippery shit." " So, what?" "." "You're stuck here all day?" "." " Fuck!" " Why'd you apologize?" "." " What?" "." "I heard you apologize." "Why?" "." "You had every reason in theworld to be mad." " I know!" "Jesus!" "That seems to be the leitmotifin your life." " Ever backing down." " I don't back down!" "You always back down." "You assume blame that's notyours." "You come in on your day off;" "you buckle like a belt." " You knowwhat really pisses me off?" "." " That I'm right aboutyour buckling?" "." " I'm going to miss the fucking game!" " Becauseyou buckled." "Shut upwith that shit." "It ain't helping!" "Don'tyell at me, pal." " I'm sorry." " See?" "." "Thereyou go again." " I can't believe I'm going to miss the fucking game." "At leastwe're stucktogether." "You got a customer." "What?" "What doyou want?" "I can't fucking believe this." "Yeah, hello, Sanford." "Dante." "I can't playtoday." "I'm stuck atwork." "Yeah, I know I'm not scheduled today-- Forget it." "Point is, I can't playtoday." "Neither can Randal." "He's working too." "Wait a second." "Dowe have to play at the park?" "." "Hold on." "You feeling limber?" "." " Pull my laces tighter, man." " I've got to tell you, myfriend... this is one ofthe most ballsiest moves I've ever been privyto." "I neverthoughtyou capable ofsuch a blatant disregard ofstore policy." " I told him I had a game today." "It's his own fault." " No arguments here." " Insubordination rules." " I justwant to play hockey like I was scheduled to." " I'm gonna grab a Gatorade." " Ifyou grab a Gatorade, then everybody's gonna grab one." " So?" "." " Who's gonna pay for these Gatorades?" "." " What doyou care, you shoe polish-smelling motherfucker?" "." " I have a responsibility here." " I can't have everybody grabbing free drinks." " What responsibility?" "." " You're closing the store to play hockey." " He's blunt, but he's got a point." "Will you let me maintain some semblance ofmanagerial control?" "." "No, I'm sayin' ifyou're gonna be insubordinate, might as well go the full nine... not pussyoutwhen it comes to free shit to drink." " He's right." "As ifwe're going to have a run on Gatorade." " Fuckin' A." "All right!" "Jesus, you fuckers are pushy!" " I hear Caitlin's marrying an Asian drum major." " Design major." " Can we not talk about this?" "." " Fine by me." "Butyou're living in denial and suppressing rage, motherfucker." " You going to lockthe store?" "." " I don't know." "You're going to lockthevideo store?" "." "Lookwhoyou're asking here." "How'rewe gonna blockthe street?" "." "We're not playing in the street." "Then where arewe gonna play?" "." "[Yelling, Wheels Rolling]" " Foul, man!" "Hit Sanford!" " Pass it!" "[Yelling]" "You got nothin'!" "You got nothin'!" " When is this period over?" "." " Eight more minutes." "What, are you shitting me?" "." "I wanna get cigarettes." "Just wait a few minutes." " I'm gonna break my crazy neck on this ladder." "Now, lose the skates, Dorothy Hamill, and open the fucking store!" " Dante, where areyou?" " He's busy!" " In a second!" "Fuck "in a second"!" "Oh, look atyou." "You can't even pass." " [Dante ] I canpass!" " How about covering the point?" "." "Man, you suck!" " Who areyou to make assessments?" " I'll assess all I want, pal!" " Dante,you in orout?" " Don't pass to this guy." "He sucks." "You suck!" " Likeyou're any better?" "." " I can whipyour ass any day, pal." " Easyto say over there." " Give me a stick, pretty boy!" "I'llknockyourfucking teeth out andpass alloveryourass!" " You open?" "." " Yeah, you open?" "." "[Together] No!" "All right, there's a stick over there." "You're shooting against this goal." "Hey, Redding!" "Come on." "Get this fucker!" "[Drum Roll]" "[Electric GuitarStarts]" "Give me another ball." " There are no more." "What the fuck you talking about?" "." "How many balls you bring?" "." "I brought the orange one and... the orange one." "Hey, any balls down there?" "." "[Jay]About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry." " You only brought one ball?" "." " I thought Redding brought all the balls." " [Redding]Dante had the balls." " Nobody has another ball?" "." "Shit!" "We got what, 1 2 minutes ofa game and it's over?" "." "Fuck!" "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" "I'm not even supposed to be here today." "I still get free Gatorade, right?" "." " Be careful." " I'm trying." "You know, the insides of those has got stuff that can giveyou cancer." " So I'm told." " Yeah." "I had a friend that chewed glass for a living." "In the circus." " And he got cancer from chewing fluorescent bulb glass?" "." " Nah." " Got hit by a bus." " Oh." "Can I helpyou?" "." "Well, uh, that depends." "You got maybe a toilet in here?" "." " Yeah, but it's for employees only." " I understand." "But I, uh, thought maybe you'd let me use it anyway." "I'm not soyoung anymore and I'm, how doyou say, a little incontinent." " Sure." "In the back, through the cooler." " Thankyou, sonny boy." "Say, uh, what kind oftoilet paper you got back there?" "." " Thewhite kind." " I didn't ask about the color." "I mean, is it rough or is it cottony?" "." " Actually, it's kinda rough." " Oh, boy!" "It's gonna knock the hell out ofmy hemorrhoids." "I thought maybeyou could let me have a roll ofthe soft stuff." "I seeyou sell the soft stuffbackthere." "Yeah, but" "Come on, boychik!" "What's the difference?" "." "You said yourself you have the rough stuffing the back." "Yeah, sure." "Go ahead." " Thankyou, sonny boy." "You're a lifesaver." "Say, young fella, I hate to botheryou again... but, uh, maybe I could have something in the back there to read?" "." "A paper or something?" "." "Sometimes it takes me a while... and I like to have something to read while it's going on." "[Dante] Yeah, sure, go ahead." "Thankyou, sonny boy." "You got a heart of gold." " Think maybe I could have a magazine?" "." " I said go ahead." "One ofthe magazinesyou got in the back behindthe counter." " The porno mags?" "." " Yeah!" "I like the cartoons." "They make me laugh." "They draw some of the biggest titties you ever saw." "Not this one." "Maybe the oneyou got underneath this one." " They got biggertitties in there." " Here." " Now leave me alone." " Oh, thankyou, sonny boy." "I appreciate it." "Hell ofa game." "One ball?" "." "I close the store, they come all theway here, for one ball?" "." "Hockey is hockey." "At leastwe got to play." "Twelve minutes is not a game.Jesus, it's hardly even a warm up." " Bitch, bitch, bitch." "You want something to drink?" "." "Yeah, a Gatorade." " Hey, what happened to all the Gatorade?" " Exactly." "They drank it all." " No way." " "It's not like we're gonna run out"." " Know what Sanford toldme?" " I can't believe Caitlin's getting married." " Julie Doyer died." " Yeah, right." " No, I'm serious." " Oh, my God!" "Sanford's brother dates her cousin." "He found out this morning." " How?" "." "When?" "." " Embolism in her brain." "Yesterday." "Jesus!" " Shewas swimming in the pool in theYMCAwhen it happened." " She died mid-backstroke." " I haven't seen her in like twoyears." "Correct me ifI'm wrong, but wasn't she one ofthe illustrious 1 2?" "." "Yeah, number six." "You've had sexwith a dead person." " I'm gonna go to herwake." " No,you're not." "It's today." " What?" " Posten's Funeral Parlor." "Nextshow's at 4:00." " Shit!" "What about tomorrow?" " One night only." "She's buriedin the morning." " You gotta watch the store." "I gotta go to this." " Wait, wait, wait, wait." " Has it occurred toyou that I might be bereaved as well?" "." " You hardly knew her." "True." "But doyou know how many people are gonna be there?" "." " All her old classmates, to saythe least." " This is beneath even you." "I'm not gonna miss what's probably gonna be the social event ofthe season." " You hate people!" " But I love gatherings." "Isn't it ironic?" "." "Stop being an asshole." "Someone's gotta watch the store." " Ifyou go, I go." " She meant nothing toyou!" "She meant nothing toyou neithertill I told you she died." " I'm not takingyou to this funeral." " I'm going withyou." " I can't close the store." "You just closed the store to play hockey on the roof." "Exactly!" "Which means I can't close it for another hourjust sowe can both go to a wake." "You were saying?" "." "Thanks for putting me in such a tough spot." "You're a good friend." " Shewas prettyyoung, huh?" "." " Twenty-two.Just like us." " Embolism in a pool." " What an embarrassing wayto die." "That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died." " How did he die?" "." " He broke his neck." "That's embarrassing?" "." "He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick." " Shut the hell up." " I swear." " Stop it." " Bible truth." " Oh, myGod!" " Come on." "Haven'tyou ever tried to suckyour own dick?" "." " No." " Yeah, right." "You're so repressed." " Because I nevertried to suck my own dick?" "." " No, becauseyou won't admit it." "As ifa guy's a fucking pervert 'cause he tries to go down on himself." "You're as curious as the rest ofus, pal." "You've tried it." " Who found him?" "." " My cousin?" "." "Mom found him." "Itwas a mess." "Hewas on his bed, his legs doubled over himself." "Mom freaked out." " Made it, huh?" "." "Dick in his mouth?" "." "Yeah." "Balls resting on his lips." "Wow." "He really made it." "Yeah, but atwhat a price." " I can never reach." " Reach what?" "." "You know." "What,your dick?" "." "Yeah." "Likeyou said, I guess everybody gets curious and tries it sometime." "I nevertried it." "Fucking pervert." " I knew this was a bad idea to close the store." " Listen toyou." "I can't help it." "At least on the roof, I could see ifanybodywanted to go in." "Nobody's there." "It's 4:00 on a Saturday." "How many people ever come to the store at 4:00 on a Saturday?" "." "Let me in!" "[Organ Playing]" "[Bells Tolling]" " [ Door Closes ]" " I can't fucking believeyou." "I'm tellingyou, itwasn't myfault." "You knocked the casket over, for Christ's sake!" " I was just leaning' on it." " Itwas an accident." " Like someone knocks a casket over on purpose!" " So the casket fell over." "Big deal." " Herfucking bodyfell out!" "I put her back in it." "It's not like it matters ifshe breaks something." "Just go open thevideo store." " [Jay]Open the videostore!" "Shut the fuck up,junkie." "[ Farting ]" " Would you just go open thevideo store?" "." " Yeah, you cock-smokin' clerk." "How manytimes have I told you not to be dealing in front ofthe store?" "." "I'm not dealing." "What'reyou talking about?" "." " Haveyou got anything, man?" "." " Whatyou want?" "." "Yo, what's with this motherfucker right here?" "." "Can't a guy publicly masturbate without being persecuted?" "." "Help, help, I'm being repressed!" " Let me borrowyour car." " I don'twant to talk toyou." " Fine.Just let me borrowyour car." " Why should I loan you my car?" "." " I want to rent a movie." " You want to rent a movie." " [ Sighs ]" " What's that for?" "." " You work in a video store!" " I work in a shittyvideo store." "I want to go to a good video store so I can get a good movie." "[Cat Meows]" "And a packof cigarettes." " Cute cat." "What's its name?" "." " Annoying customer." "Fucking dickhead." "Can you imagine being halfway decent to the customers sometimes?" "." " Let me borrowyour car." " May I be bluntwith you?" "." "Ifyou must." "We are employees ofQuickStop Convenience and RSTVideo, respectively." "As such, we have certain obligations that, although they may seem cruel and unusual..." " does mean manning the store until closing." " I see." "So playing hockey and attending wakes are standard operating procedures?" "." "There's a difference." "Those are obligations that couldn't have been met at any other date." "Now, renting videos, that's gratuitous, not to mention illogical... being thatyou work at a video store." " Areyou open?" "." " Yes." " I don't care foryour rationale." " It's gonna have to do, being it's my car up for request." " Can I helpyou?" "." " A pack of cigarettes." " What's your point?" "." " My point is, you're a clerk, paid to do a job." "You can'tjust do anything you wantwhileyou'reworking." ""Space alien revealed as head ofTime-Warner." "Report stock increase."" "They print any kind ofshit in this paper." "They certainly do." "Three dollars." " Your argument is that title dictates behavior." " What?" "." "The reason you won't let me useyour car is because I have a title and job description..." " and I'm supposed to follow it, right?" "." " Exactly." "I saw one one time that said..." ""The nextweek, theworld is ending."" "In the nextweek's paper, they said..." ""Wewere miraculously saved at the zero hour... by a koala-fish mutant bird."" "[ Laughing ] Crazy shit." "So I'm no more responsible for my decisions here than, say, a death squad soldier in Bosnia?" "." "Now that's stretching it." "You're not being asked to slay children or anything." " Yeah, notyet." " And I remember one time" "I'm gonna breakyourfucking head, you fucking jerk!" " I'm sorry." "He meant to hit me." "Yeah?" "." "Well, he missed." "Here, let me refundyour money and we'll call it even, all right?" "." "I'll never come in here again." "And ifl seeyou again, I'm gonna breakyourfucking head open!" "What the fuckdidyou dothat for?" "." "Two reasons." "One, I hate itwhen people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines." " Oh,Jesus." "And two, to prove a point." "Title does not dictate behavior." " What?" "." " Iftitle dictated my behavior as a clerkserving the public..." "I wouldn't be allowed to spitwater at that guy, but I did." "My point is that people dictate their own behavior." "Even though I work in a video store, I choose to go rent movies at Big Choice." " Agreed?" "." " You are a dangerto both the dead and the living." "I like to think I'm a master ofmy own destiny." " Please get the hell outta here." " You know I'm your hero." "Sounds to me like somebody needs to hit the gym." " Excuse me?" "." " I heard you strain when you picked up that milk." " It onlyweighs seven pounds." " I didn't strain." "I sighed." "I don't thinkso." "Thatwas a grunt." "A deep inhalation ofoxygen to aid in the stretching ofmuscles." "I'm a trainer." "I knowwhat that sound signifies." "You're out ofshape." " I don't thinkso." " I do." "You made the same noise reaching across the counterfor my cash." "Your muscles are thin, sadly underutilized." "Theyare not!" "Yes, theyare." "You're out ofshape." "What areyou talkin' about?" "." "There's no fat on my body." " No fat!" "No tone either." "You don't get enough exercise." " You open?" "." " Yes." "Just the paper." " Thirty-five." "Hey, uh, let me askyou a question." "Think this guy's out ofshape?" "." "I don't know." "Can't reallytell from here." " I am" " I am not!" " He is." "How much can you bench?" "." " I don't know." " I'd say about 60, 70, tops." "I know I can bench more than that." "I think the lady called it." "My ex-boyfriend was about his size... but hewas much bulkier." "He could lift 250, 300 easy." " Three-fifty, four." " Noway!" "Feel that." "Hey, that's tight." "Solid." "Yeah." "Now feel this." "Roll upyour sleeve, chief." " Oh, for God's sakes!" " See, you're ashamed." "You knowyou're out ofshape." "Here." "Take my card." "I can getyou on an aerobics/freeweights program." " Areyou open?" "." " [Dante] Yes." "I'm not out ofshape." "Excuse me." "Haveyou been here all day?" "." " Yeah, since 6:00 this morning." " He's got those love handles." "I don't have love handles!" " We'reyou working here about 4:00?" "." " Yes." " It's probablyfrom being around all this food every day." " Oh, I know." "Ifl had towork here all day, I'd be bloated and out ofshape too." " I'm not out ofshape." " Can I haveyour name, please?" "." "Dante Hicks." "Why?" "." "What's this all about?" "." "You're Dante Hicks?" "." "Oh, myGod." "I didn't even recognizeyou." " Because he's out ofshape!" " Do Iknowyou?" "Yeah." "Doyou remember Alyssa Jones?" "." "She used to hang out" " With Caitlin Bree!" " I'm her sister." "You're Alyssa's sister Heather?" "." " Yeah." " You, uh, sayCaitlin Bree?" "." " Yeah." " Pretty girl?" "." "A little tallerthan her?" "." "Gorgeous body?" "." " Yeah." " And you're Dante Hicks." "You went to the same school." "You played hockey." " Yeah, how didyou knowthat?" " You still goin' outwith her?" "." " No, she's getting married." " Toyou?" "." "No." "To an Asian design major." "Aw, shit!" "Don't take this thewrong way, but, uh, I used to fuck her." " What?" "." " Yeah, about two, threeyears ago." "Whileyou twowere dating." "I drove a blackTrans Am." " You're Rick Daress?" "." " Yeah." " You knowhim?" " Yeah." " Caitlin used to talk about him all the time." " Really?" "." "Yeah,you were the guy with the blackTrans, and the big" "Wait a second." "You used to fuck Caitlin Breewhile I was dating her?" "." "Yeah, man." "All the time." "That girl's like a rabbit." "[ Chuckles ] She told me this timeyou went to a motel with a hot tub and mirrors." "The Glades motel?" "." " Shit, she toldyou that?" "." "A buddy ofmineworked there and watched thewhole thing." "They used to film people." "They didn't even know about it." "Holy shit!" "When did all this happen?" "." "Aw, man, don't let it botheryou." "Thatwas a long time ago." "I'm surprised you didn't know about it, Dante." "Everybody in school knew about it." "Even in my class." "Jesus Christ!" "What next?" "." " Hereyou go." " What's this?" " A fine for $500." " What?" "." "Five hundred bucks?" "." "Forwhat?" "." "Forviolation of NewJerseyStatute, Section 2A, Number 1 70/51." "Any person who sells or makes available tobacco... ortobacco-related products, to persons underthe age of 1 8..." " is regarded as disorderly." " What areyou talkin' about?" "." "According to the N.J.A.C... the NewJersey Administration Code, Section 1 8-5/1 2-5... a fine ofno less than $250 is to be leveled against... any persons reported selling cigarettes to a minor." " Ididn't do that." " You said you were here all day." "I didn't sell any cigarettes to any kids." "An angry mother called the state division oftaxation... and claimed that a QuickStop employee... soldherfour-year-olddaughter apack ofcigarettes at 4:00 today." "The NewJersey Division ofTaxation called the Board of Health... and sent me down to issue a fine." "You claimed you wereworking here all day." "Hence, the fine is yours." "The fine is doubled due to the incrediblyyoung age ofthe child." "But Ididn'tsellanycigarettes toanykids!" "You sold cigarettes to a four-year-old?" "." "What a scumbag!" "That's sick, Dante." "I didn't sell cigarettes to any kids!" "I swear!" "The due date is on the bottom." "This summons cannot be contested in any court oflaw." "Failure to remit before the due date... will result in a charge of criminal negligence... and a warrantwill be issued foryour arrest." " Have a nice day." " But Ididn'tsellany cigarettes to anykids." "Hey, wait a minute!" "Forget it." "I don'twant to deal with a guy that sells cigarettes to four-year-olds." "Can I, uh, giveyou a lift somewhere?" "." "Sure." "How 'bout the beach?" "." "I like thewayyou think." "Jesus!" "What next?" "." " [Woman] Dante?" " What?" "." "Caitlin!" " When did you get home?" "." "Just now." "I can't believe it." "I haven't seen you in so long." "Dante, you have a customer." "I just saw Alyssa's little sister outside." " Shewas with Rick Daress." " Let's not talk about her." " How'd you get home?" "." " Train." "It took eight hours." " I can't believeyou're here." " Excuse me." "Doyou have" "Uh, yeah." "Back behind the oil." "How long you staying?" "." "Until Monday." "Then I have to take the train back." "Packof cigarettes." "Hey, congratulations." "I saw the announcement in today's paper." "You know, she's marrying an Asian design major." "So I'm told." "Man, it's fuckin' slow!" "## [ Hip Hop]" "You'rejust gonna close the store like that?" "." "I wanna talktoyou about something, and I don'twanna be disturbed." "Something I read in the tabloids." "You saw it." "Verydramatic, I thought." " It is notwhatyou think." " Oh, it's notwhat I think." "What is it, worse?" "." "You're pregnantwith the Asian design major's child?" "." "What's goin' on here?" "." " I am not pregnant." "Wereyou gonna tell me, orwereyou gonna send me an invitation?" "." "I was gonna tell you, butwewere getting along sowell, I didn'twanna mess it up." "You could've broken it to me gently." "You could've started by telling meyou had a boyfriend." "I toldyou I had a girlfriend." "I know." "I'm sorry, butwhen we started talking, itwas like I forgot I had a boyfriend." " And then he proposed last month." " And you said yes." "Well, kind of." "Sort of." "Is thatwhat theyteach you in that school ofyours?" ". "Kind of," "sort of"?" "." "Everybody knows about this except me!" "Doyou know how humiliating that is?" "." "I would've told you, and you would've stopped calling me, like a baby." " How doyou know that?" "." " Because I knowyou." "You prefer drastic measures to rational ones." " Soyou're really getting married?" "." " No." " You're not really getting married?" "." " [ Scoffs ]" "The story goes like this." "He proposed to me, I told him I had to thinkabout it... and he insisted that I wearthe ring anyway." "Then mymother told the paperwewere engaged." " Oh, how like her." " Then my mother called me this morning... to let me know that the announcementwas in the paper." "That's when I hopped a train to come back here, because I knewyou'd be a wreck." " Thanks forthevote of confidence." " Was I right?" "." ""Wreck" is a harsh term. "Disturbed" is more like it. "Mildly disturbed," even." "Oh, I love a macho facade." "It is such a turn-on." " What smells like shoe polish?" "." " Soyou came here towhat?" "." "To comfort me?" "." "The last thing I needed was foryou to think I was hiding something from you." " Butyou were!" " No, I wasn't!" "Not really." "I told you I'd been seeing other people." "Yeah, but not seriously." "Christ, you're readytowalk down the aisle." "I thinkthat constitutes something more than just seeing somebody." " What's going on?" "." " I'm giving him his ring back." "What?" "." " [ Sighs ] I don'twant to marry him." "I don'twant to get married now." "I'm on theverge ofgraduation." "I want to go to grad school afterthis, and then I want to start a career." "I don'twant to be a wife first and then have toworry about... when I'm gonna fit in the other stuff." "I have comewaytoo far and studied too damn hard... to let my education go towaste as a housewife." "And I know that's what I'd become." "Sang's just signed with a majorfirm, and he's gonna be pulling in a huge salary... which would give me no reason towork." " He's verytraditional." "Wait a minute." " His name is "Sang"?" "." "Past tense?" "." " Stop it." "He's a nice guy." "Well, ifhe's so nice, why aren'tyou marrying him?" "." " I just toldyou." "There's more to this, isn't there?" "." "Oh!" "Why, Mr. Hicks, whatever doyou mean?" "." "Tell me I don't have something to dowith it." "You have nothing to dowith it." " Oh,you lie!" " Look how full ofyourselfyou are!" "I just believe in giving credit where credit's due... and I believe I'm the impetus behindyour refusal towed." "IfI'm so nuts aboutyou, then why am I having sexwith an Asian design major?" "." "Oh,Jesus." "You're so caustic." "I had to knockyou down from that cloudyou were floating on." "When I say I don'twant to get married, I mean just that." "I don'twant to marry anybody." "Not foryears." "Who's asking?" "." "I don'twant to marryyou." "Well, good." "Keep in that frame ofmind." "Well, let's date." " Oh, I thinkSang and..." "Veronica... they'd love that." "We can introduce the two ofthem." "They may hit it off." "You're serious?" "." "You wanna date again?" "." "I wanna be your boyfriend, yes." "It's just the shock ofseeing me afterthreeyears." " Believe me, you'll get over it." " Gimme a bit more credit." "I think it's time we got backtogether." "I'm more mature,you're more mature." "You're finishing college." " I'm already in thejob market." "You work in a market, all right." "Cute." "Tell meyou wouldn't wanna go outwith me again... after all the talking we've been doing." "The keyword here is "talk," Dante." "I thinkthe idea, orthe conception ofus dating... is a lot more idyllic than what actually happens when we date." "What arewe supposed to do?" "." "Pretend overthe phonewe're dating?" "." "I don't know." "Maybewe should just seewhat happens." " Let me takeyou out tonight." " On a date?" "." "Yeah, a real date." "Dinner and a movie." "Oh, the "Dante Hicks Dinner and Movie" date." " I think I've been on that one before." " Doyou have a better suggestion?" "." "Well, how 'bout the "Caitlin Bree..." "Walk On The Boardwalk, Then Get Naked Somewhere" kind ofprivate date?" "." " I hearthat's kind ofa popular date." "Jerk!" "God, here I am, throwing myselfatyou... succumbing toyourwily charms, and you're calling me a slut in so manywords." "What about Sing?" "." "Sang." " Sang!" " He's not invited." " He'syourfiance." "I'm offeringyou my body, andyou're offering me semantics." "He's just a boyfriend, Dante, and in caseyou haven't gotten the drift... ofwhy I came all theway here from Ohio" "Duh!" "I'm about to become single again." "And yes, allow me to placateyour ego." "You are the inspiration forthis bold and momentous decision... thatwill probably get me ostracized from both school and home." "You ask mewho I choose." "I chooseyou." " So, what areyou saying?" "." " You are such an asshole." " I'm just kidding!" " I can already see this is not gonna workout." " I'll ask Randal to close up when he gets back." "Where is he, anyway?" "." "I thought he'd be atyour side like an obedient lapdog." "Hewent to go rent a movie." "He isn't backyet." "Ah, screw it." "I'll close up and leave him a note." "You are too responsible." "But no, I have to go home first." "They don't even know I've left school yet." "And I should break the disengagement news to my mother... which is gonna cause quite a row considering she loves Sang." " Who doesn't?" "." " Well, me, I guess." "[ Sighs ] So I shall take my leave ofyou... but I will return in a littlewhile... atwhich time,yes, I would love to go for dinner and a moviewithyou." "What happened to thewalk and the nakedness?" "." "I'm easy, but I'm not that easy." "Seeyou later, handsome." "Yes!" "## [ Hip Hop]" " [DoorOpens]" " Hey, what'd you rent?" "." ""Best of Both Worlds"?" "." "Hermaphroditic porn." "Starlets with both organs." "You should see the box." "Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame." " And you rented this?" "." " Hey, I like to expand my horizons." " I got fined for selling cigarettes to a minor." " Noway." " Five hundred dollars." " You're bullshitting'." "No, I'm not." "Holy shit!" "I didn't even thinktheyenforced this." " Living proof." " I thoughtyou never sold cigarettes to kids." " I didn't." "You did." " Really?" "." "Yep." "A little girl, maybe fouryears old." " Holy shit!" "That girl?" "." " Yeah, as opposed to hundreds ofother children... you've sold cigarettes whileworking here." " Then how comeyou got the fine?" "." " 'Cause I'm here." " You're lyin'." " No, I'm not." " Why aren'tyou screaming at me right now?" "." " 'Cause I'm happy." "You're happy?" "." "You're happyto get a fine?" "." " I'm happy." " No, I'm happy because Caitlin came to see me." " Now I knowyou're lyin'." " I'm not." "Shejust left." " What'd she say?" "." "She's not marrying that guy." "Shewent home to tell her mom." " You're kiddin'." " I'm not." "Well,you've had quite an evening." "Shewent home and she's getting ready and we're going out." "I feel so ineffectual." "Is there anything I can do foryou?" "." "Watch the storewhile I go home and change?" "." "What happened to "Title dictates behavior"?" "." "Well, this is myway ofspitting water at life." "All right." "You want me to bring theVCRover sowe can watch this?" "." "No, I might be leaving early to go outwith Caitlin... in which case, you're gonna lock up the store tonight." "All right, butyou're missin' out." "Chicks with dicks." " I'll buythe book." " [DoorCreaking]" " Oh, he's so cute." "What's his name?" "." " Peptic Ulcer." "[ Laughing ]" "[Woman Moaning]" "Well, Randal Graves... scourge of thevideo renter." "Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Asian Design Major herself, Caitlin Bree." "You saw that article?" "." "God, isn't it awful?" "." "My mother sent that in." " I take it she likes the guy." " You'd thinkshe's marrying him." " What areyou watching?" "." " Children's programming." "What'dyour mom saywhenyou told her you weren't engaged anymore?" "." "She said not to come home until after graduation." "Wow!" "You got thrown out for Dante?" "." "What can I say?" "." "He does weird things to me." " Ooh, can I watch?" "." " You can hold me down." " Can I join in?" "." " [ Clicks Tongue] You might be let down." " I'm not a hermaphrodite." " Hey, few are." "So what makes you think you can maintain a relationship with him this time around?" "." "Awoman's intuition." "Something inside ofme says it's time to givethe old boya serious try." "Wow!" "Hey,you know, you and I have something in common." "We both eat Chinese." " [ Scoffs ] Dick." " Exactly." " So where is he?" "." "He went home to change for the big date." " God, isn't he great?" "." " No." "This is great." "Oh, lord." "Can I use your bathroom?" "." " There's no lights backthere." "Why aren't there any lights?" "." "There are, but for some reason they stop working at 5:1 4 every night." " You're kidding." " Nobody can figure it out." "The boss doesn'twant to pay the electrician to fix it... 'cause the electrician owes moneyto thevideo store." " Such a sordid state ofaffairs." " And I'm caught in the middle... torn between my loyaltyforthe boss and my desire to piss with the lights on." "Well, I'll tryto manage." "Oh, hey, Caitlin?" "." "Break his heart again this time, and I'll kill ya." "Nothing personal." "You areveryprotective ofhim, Randal." "You always have been." "Territoriality." "Hewas mine first." "Oh, thatwas so cute." "[ Sighs ]" "[People Screaming on TV]" "[Clock Ticking]" "[BedSqueaking, People Moaning On Video]" "Who eats cock?" "." "Bunch ofsavages in this town." "Hey, Caitlin's in the back." "You mightwant to check on her." " She's been back there a long time." " There are no lights backthere." "I told herthat." "She said she didn't need any." "Why don'tyou gojoin her?" "." "Make a little bathroom bam-bam." "Oh, I loveyour sexytalk." "It's so kindergarten." " "Poo-poo," "wee-wee."" " Fuckyou." "[DoorOpening]" "[Woman Moaning On Video ]" "[Woman on Video ] Oh, help." "Stop, stop." "How did you get here so fast?" "." "I left like an hour ago." "Doyou always talk this weird afteryou violate a woman?" "." "Maybe the Asian design major slipped her some opium." " Could be." " It has never been like that before." "Likewhat?" "." "When you just lay perfectly still and let me do everything." "Am I missing something here?" "." "Okay." "I went backthere and Dante was alreadywaiting for me." " Hewas?" "." " Itwas so cool." "He didn't say a word." "He didn't have to." "[ Sighs ] Hewas just... ready." "You know." "And, like, we didn't kiss ortalkor anything." "Hejust sat there and let me do all thework." "You dog!" "I didn't even seeyou go backthere." "The fact that there weren't any lights on made it so" "God, thatwas so great!" "My legs are still shaking." " Itwasn't me." " [ Scoffs ]" "Yeah, right." "Whowas it, then?" "." "Randal?" "." "Was ityou?" "." " I was up here thewhole time." "You two better quit it." " I'm serious." "Oh, sowe didn'tjust have sex in the bathroom?" "." "No." "Stop it." "This isn't funny." "I'm not fooling around." "I just came in from outside." "This isn't fucking funny, Dante." " I'm not kidding." " Whowent backthere?" "." " Nobody." "I swear." " I feel nauseous." " Areyou sure therewas someone backthere?" "." "Well, I didn'tjust fuck myself!" "." "Jesus Christ!" " God, I'm gonna be sick!" " You just fucked a total stranger?" "." " Shut the fuck up!" " I can't believe this." " Call the police." " Why?" "." " No, don't!" "There's a stranger in our bathroom!" "He just raped Caitlin!" " She said she did all thework." " Will you shut the fuck up?" "." "Who the fuck's in our bathroom?" "." "[Woman] Who is he?" "[Dante]Idon'tknow." "Hejust came in andaskedto use the bathroom." " What timewas this?" "." " I don't know." "What time did hockey end?" "." "Um, like 3:00, 3:30." " What timewe get back from the funeral?" "." " Four, I think." " Wait." "Whowas working here?" "." "Just me." "I thoughtyou just saidyou went to play hockey and then went to a funeral." "Yeah, we did." "Then whowas operating the store?" "." " Nobody." "Itwas closed." " With this guy locked in here?" "." "Well, everything happened so quickly, I guess I forgot hewas backthere." " [Man]Can we take itnow?" " Go ahead." "Was he alivewhen Caitlin" "No." "I place the time ofdeath about 3:20." "Then how could she-- You know." "[Coroner] The bodycan maintain an erection after expiration, sometimes forhours." "Didhe have the adult magazine when he came in?" "Uh, no." "I gave it to him." "He asked me for it." "I can't say for certain until we get him back to the lab, but my guess is... hewas masturbating, his heart seized and he died." "That's when the girl found him." "[ Sniffing ]" "Uh, something smells like shoe polish." "This has got to be theweirdest thing you've ever been called in on." "Actually, I once had to tag a kid that broke his necktrying to put his mouth on his penis." "What about Caitlin?" "." "[Coroner]Shock trauma." "She's gonna needyears oftherapyafterthis." "Myquestion is:" "How didshe come to havesex with a deadman?" "She thought it was me." "What kind of convenience store doyou run here?" "." "[ Engine Running ]" "[ Siren Blaring ]" "[ Siren Fading ]" "I knew that motherfucker's gonna kill someone someday." "Doyou thinkshewas talking about my cousin?" "." "## [ Humming "Theme from Jaws"]" "Salsa shark." ""We're gonna need a bigger boat."" "Man goes into cage, cage goes into salsa." "Shark's in the salsa." "Our shark." "Oh, what?" "." "What's with you, man?" "." "You haven't said anything for, like, 20 minutes." "What the hell's your problem?" "." " [ Sighs ] This life." " "This life"?" "." "Why do I have this life?" "." "Have some chips." "You'll feel better." "I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than slavewages... working on my day off." "The goddamn steel shutters are closed." "I deal with every backward-assed fuck on the planet." "I smell like shoe polish." "My ex-girlfriend is catatonic afterfucking a dead guy... and my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks." " Thirty-seven." " My life's in the shitter right now... and ifyou don't mind, I'd like to stew a bit." " [Man] Youopen?" " Yeah." "[Randal] Aw, that's allbullshit, man." " You knowwhat the realproblem here is?" " I was born?" "." " You should shit or get offthe pot." " I should shit or get offthe pot." " Yeah, you should shit or get offthe pot." " What areyou talking about?" "." "I'm talking about this thing you have." "This inability to improveyour station in life." " Fuckyou!" " It's true, man." "You sit there and blame life for dealing'you a cruddy hand... never once accepting responsibility forthewayyour situation is." "What responsibility?" "." "All right." "Ifyou hate this job and the people... and the fact thatyou have to come in onyour day off, why don'tyou quit?" "." " Like it's that easy." " It is." "You just up and quit." "There's otherjobs." "They pay better money." "You're bound to be qualified for at least one of'em." "Sowhat's stoppin' you?" "." " Leave me alone." " Oh, you're comfortable, right?" "." "This is a life of convenience foryou, and any attempt to change it... would shatterthe pathetic microcosm you've fashioned foryourself." "Oh!" "Likeyour life's any better." "I'm satisfied with my situation for now." "You don't hear me complaining." "You, on the other hand, have been bitching all day." "Thankyou." "Why don'tyou go back to thevideo store?" "." " It's the same thing with Veronica." " Leave her out ofthis!" "You dateVeronica because it's convenient and she's low maintenance." "But meanwhile, all you ever do is talkabout Caitlin." "You carry a torch for a girl you dated in high school." " In high school, forGod's sakes." "You're 22." " Leave me alone!" "Ifyou want Caitlin, then talktoVeronica and bewith Caitlin." "IfyouwantVeronica, then bewithVeronica." "But don't pinefor one and fucktheother." "Man, ifyouweren't such a fucking coward" "Ifl wasn't such a fucking coward." "It must be great to have this ability to simplifythings thewayyou do." "Am I right orwhat?" "." "You'rewrong!" "Things happened today." "Things that probably ruined mychances with Caitlin." "Oh, what, the dead guy?" "." "She'll get overfuckin' a dead guy." "Shit, my mom's been fuckin' a dead guyfor 30 years." "I call him "Dad."" "Caitlin and I can't be together." "It's impossible." "Melodrama comin' from you seems about as natural as an oral bowel movement." "What doyou want me to say?" ". "Yes, some ofthe things you're saying are true"?" "." "That's thewaythings are." "They're not gonna change." " Make 'em change." " I can't, all right?" "." "Jesus, will you leave me alone?" "." "I can't make changes in my life like that." "Ifl could, I would." "But I don't have the ability to riskcomfortable situations... on the big money and the fabulous prizes!" "Who areyou kidding?" "." "You can so." "Jesus H. Christ!" "I can't!" "Soyou're gonna sit there and be miserable 'causeyou don't have the guts to face change?" "." "My mothertold me once that when I was threeyears old... my potty lid was closed... and instead ofme lifting it, I shit my pants." "Lovely story." "The point is, I'm not the type ofperson... who'll disrupt things just so I can shit comfortably." " [DoorOpening] - # Noise, noise, noise Smokin'weed, smokin'weed#" "# Doin' coke, drinkin' beers # Pack o' "rass," my good man." "Time to kick back, drink some beers and smoke some weed!" "Done poisoning theyouth fortoday, huh?" "." "Hell, yes, whateverthat means." "Now it's time to head overto Atlantic, drinksome beers... get ripped and, hopefully, get laid." " [Dante]Oneseventy-nine." " Paythe good man." " Yeah, you close soon?" "." " In halfan hour." "Yeah, we get off the same time every day." " We should hang out." "You get high?" "." " Ishouldstart." "Wanna come to this partywith me tonight?" "." "There's gonna be some pussythere." "With you?" "." "I don't thinkso." "Oh, lookatyou." ""I don't hang outwith drug dealers."" " Nothing personal." " I work,just likeyou, dude." "You're more ofa crookthan I am." "How doyou figure?" "." "Hey, I can't believe-- You can't roll a joint in here!" "Relax, bro." "What I mean is, you sell this shit forthe highest price around." "$1.79 for uh, what is this shit?" "." " It's notmystore." " These ain't my drugs." "I just sell 'em." "The difference is, you exploit a weakness." " What's that mean?" "You take advantage ofpeople who can't stay awayfrom an addiction." " How much is a Pepsi here?" "." " Onesixty-nineplus tax." "At Food City, it's 99cents, plus tax." " So?" "." " So, people come here, see $1.89 for a Pepsi." "It's like, 99cents over Food City, but I don't feel like driving there, so I'll buy it here." "That's exploiting a weakness, too, isn't it?" "." "Yo, what happened with that old guy?" "." " He died in the bathroom." " I heard hewas jerkin' off or something." "I don't know." "I wasn'twatching." "He probably saw that Caitlin chick." "I know I felt like beating' itwhen I saw her." "Oh, come here, bitch." "You like this?" "." "Huh?" "." " This whatyou want?" " Knock it off." "That used to be my girlfriend, all right?" "." "Oh, you used to go outwith her?" "." "Yeah, well, I thought we might be starting again." " Don'tyou already have a girlfriend?" "." " [Dante] Yeah, Veronica." " Didn't I see her carrying a plate offood here?" "." " Yeah, lasagna." " And what, you're gonna dump her forthat Caitlin chick?" "." " Maybe." "I don't know, dude." "That Caitlin chick's nice, but I see thatVeronica girl... doin' shit foryou all the time." "I saw her rubbing' your back, fuckin' comes and brings yourfood." " Didn't I see her change yourtire once?" "." " Hey, I jacked up the car." "All she did was unloosen the nuts and put the tire on." " Well, I know she does a lot foryou." " She's my girlfriend." "I had some girlfriends too, but all theywanted from mewas weed and shit." "Shit, my grandmother used to say, "What's better?" "." "Fuckin' a good plate with nothin' on it?"" "No, wait." "I fucked up." ""What's a good platewith nothin' on it?"" "Meaning?" "." "I don't know." "She was senile." "Shit, she usedto fuckin' piss herselfall the time... and shit herself." "Come on, Silent Bob." "Let's get the fuck outta this fuckin' gyp joint... with this fuckin' faggot Dante." "You cock smoker." "You know, there's a million fine-lookin' women in theworld, dude... but they don't all bring ya lasagna atwork." "Most of'em just cheat on ya." "[Jay] Come on, limp dick!" "[Silent Bob] Yeah,yeah,yeah." "He's right." "I love her." "So that's it." "He doesn't loveyou anymore." "He loves Caitlin." "And he told you all ofthis?" "." "Pretty much." "All except the latent homosexuality part." "That's just mytheory." "Uh" " I don't knowwhat to say." "Don't hold it against him." "I mean, hejust never got Caitlin out ofhis system." "It's notyourfault." "It's Dante." "L-Look." "I don't know thing one about chicks." "So ifyou gotta cry or something, I can get outta here." " I'm not sad." " You're not?" "." "No." "I'm more furious." "I'm pissed off." "He's been killing timewhile he gets the balls to tell mewhat he reallyfeels." "Then he can't do it." "He has his friend do it for him." "Wait, he didn't ask me to do this." "After all I've done forthat fuck." "Now hewants to bewith that slut?" "." "Fine." " He can have his slut." " Doyou thinkyou can give me a lift home tonight?" "." " I'm gonna talkto that asshole." "Wait." "Veronica, I don't think" "[ Sighs ]" "What am I worried about?" "." "Alls he ever did was complain about her." "He'll probably be happy I got the ball rolling." "I'm just looking out for his best interest." "That's what a friend does, am I right?" "." " I did him a favor." " Ooh, NavySeals!" "Ow!" "What'd you do that for?" "." "Ifyou didn'twanna go outwith me anymore, why didn'tyou say so?" "." "Instead you pussyfoot around and see that slut behind my back!" " What areyou talking about?" "." " You've been talking to her on the phone forweeks!" " Itwas only a few times." " Then you pull that shit this morning... freaking out because I've gone down a couple ofguys." " Oh, a couple?" "." " I'm not the one trying to patch things upwith my ex... sneaking around behind your back!" "Ifyou think37 dicks are a lot, justwait and see, mister." "I'm going to put the hookers in Times Square to shamewith all the guys I go down on now!" "Will you let me explain?" "." " Explain what?" "." "Howyou've been waiting until the timewas right, and thenyou were going to dump me for her?" "." " It isn't like that!" " Damn right it isn't like that!" "Because I won't let it be." "You want your slut?" "." "Fine, the slut isyours." " Idon't want Caitlin." " You don't knowwhatyou want!" "But I'm not going to hold your hand anymore until you figure it out!" "I've tried with you, Dante." "I've encouragedyou toget out ofthis fucking dump andgo back toschool... to take charge ofyour life and find direction." "I even transferred so maybe you'd be more inclined... to go back to college ifl was with you." "Everyone said itwas a stupid move, but I didn't care." "Because I loved you and wanted to seeyou... pull yourselfout ofthis senseless funk thatyou've been in... since thatwhore dumped you oh so manyyears ago." "Nowyou wanna go backto her so she can fuckyou over some more!" " Idon't wanna go back" " Of course not!" "Not now!" "You're caught, andnowyou're trying to snake out ofdoing whatyou wanted to do!" "Well, I won't letyou." "I wantyou to follow through on this soyou can find outwhat a fucking idiotyou are!" "Andwhenshe dumpsyouagain-- Ipromiseyou, Dante, she will-- Whenshe dumpsyouagain..." "I want to laugh in your face soyou realize that... that was whatyou gave up our relationship for!" "I'm just glad that Randal had the balls to tell me sinceyou couldn't!" " Randal?" "." "And having him tell me, thatwas just theweakest move ever." "You're spineless!" "Veronica, I loveyou!" "Fuckyou!" "[GongRinging]" "Dante?" "." "[Rock MusicStarts]" "[ Grunting ]" "How's your eye?" "." "The swelling's not that bad, but the F.D.S. stings." " How's your neck?" "." " It's kinda hard to swallow." "You didn't have to choke me, you know." "Why did you tell Veronica that I was gonna dump herto go backwith Caitlin?" "." " I thought I was doing you a favor." " Oh,Jesus." "You're always saying howyou can't initiate changeyourself." "I thought I'd giveyou a hand." "Thanks." "You still didn't have to choke me." "Oh, please." "I'm surprised I didn't kill you." "Whydoyou saythat?" "." "Whydo I saythat?" "." "Randal-- [ Sighs ] Forget it." " No, really." "What did I do thatwas sowrong?" "." "What don'tyou do?" "." "Sometimes I thinkthe only reasonyou come towork is to make my life miserable." " How doyou figure?" "." "What time didyou get toworktoday?" "." "Like 1 0:00, orten after." "You were over a halfan hour late." "And then all you do is come in here." "Yeah, to talktoyou." "Which means thevideo store is ostensiblyclosed!" "Oh, it's not like I'm miles away." "Unlessyou're out rentingvideo at othervideo stores." " Hermaphrodites." "I rented it sowe could watch it together." "You get me slapped with a fine." "You arguewith the customers, and I have to patch everything up." "You get us thrown out ofa funeral byviolating the corpse." "Then to top it all off,you ruin my relationship." "I mean, what's your encore?" "." "Doyou, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank?" "." "You knowwhat the real tragedy about all ofthis is?" "." "I'm not even supposed to be here today!" "Oh, fuckyou!" "Fuckyou, pal!" "Jesus, thereyou go, trying to pass the buck." "I'm the source ofall your misery." "Who closed the store to play hockey?" "." "Who closed the store to go to a wake?" "." "Who tried towing back his ex-girlfriend... without even discussinghow he felt with hispresent one?" "You wanna blame somebody?" "." "Blameyourself." ""I'm not even supposed to be here today." You sound like an asshole!" "Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here." "You're here ofyour own volition." "You like to thinktheweight oftheworld rests onyour shoulder..." "like this placewould fall apart ifDantewasn't here." "Jesus,youovercompensate forhaving what's basicallya monkey'sjob." "You push fuckin' buttons." "Anybody could waltz in here and do ourjobs." "You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic... so much more important than it really is." "Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante, and badly, I might add!" "I work in a shittyvideo store, badly as well." "You know, that guyJay's got it right, man." "He has no delusions aboutwhat he does." "Us, we like to make ourselves seem so much more important... than the people that come in here to buy a paper or, God forbid, cigarettes." "We look down on them as ifwe're so advanced." "Well, ifwe're so fuckin' advanced... what arewe doin' workin' here?" "." "Hey, the floor looks pretty clean." "I put the cat next door." " Need a ride home?" "." " No, I got one.Just pulled up." "You workin' tomorrow?" "." "Same time." "What aboutyou?" "." "I'm callin' out." "Goin' to the hospital and visit Caitlin." "And then I'm gonna try to talktoVeronica." "You wanna grab a bite to eat or something... whenyou're donewith that and I get offwork?" "." " I'll giveyou a call, letyou know." "All right." "Hey, good luckwith Veronica." " Ifyou want, I can talkto her, try and straighten this" " No, thanks." "I think I can handle it." "We have a lot ofshit to talkabout." " Hell ofa day." "To saythe least." "Want me to do anything before I get out ofhere, man?" "." "Why don'tyou wrangle for me?" "." " [ Scoffs ] No." " Come on.Justwrangle out the door." " No." "No, no, no." " Come on." "# Here comes Wrangler #" "# He's one tough customer #" "# He knows what he likes when he sees ## [ Laughing ]" "You're closed." "What, you forget something?" "." "Oh, I'm sorry." "We're closed." "[Gunshot]"