"♪ In the not too distant Future ♪" "♪ Next Sunday AD ♪" "♪ There was a guy named Joel ♪" "♪ Not too different From you or me ♪" "♪ He worked at Gizmonic Institute ♪" "♪ Just another face In a red jumpsuit ♪" "♪ He did a good job Cleaning up the place ♪" "♪ But his bosses Didn't like him ♪" "♪ So they shot him into space ♪" "♪ We'll send him cheesy movies ♪" "♪ The worst we can find La la la ♪" "♪ He'll have to sit And watch them all ♪" "♪ And we'll monitor his mind La la la ♪" "♪ Now keep in mind Joel can't control ♪" "♪ Where the movies begin or end La-la-la ♪" "♪ Because he used those Special parts ♪" "♪ To make his robot friends ♪" "♪ Robot roll call ♪ ♪ Cambot!" "♪" " ♪ Pan left ♪ - ♪ Gypsy!" "♪" " ♪ Hi girl!" "♪ - ♪ Tom Servo!" "♪" " ♪ What a cool guy ♪" " ♪ Croooow!" "♪ - ♪ Wisecracker ♪" "♪ If you're wondering How he eats and breathes ♪" "♪ And other science facts La la la ♪" "♪ Then repeat to yourself ♪" "♪ "It's just a show I should really just relax" ♪" "♪ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♪" " Oh Larry, I brought you a little something from the mad scientist convention this year," "Little gift, little tchotchke for you," " Oh, what is it, you?" " It's the Isaac Asimov body splash," "It's part of the foundation trilogy gift set," " Oh, and it's pretty too," "It smells like space!" " Yes, and it also goes with the mad scientist masculine hygiene," " Oh, let me try that!" " Later, later," "It's time to get Joel on the old horn here, give him our experiment this week," "Would you like to do the honors?" " Oh, you are something special," "[GASPS]" "[GRUNTS]" "Come in, Joel, you tree rotating skanky boy," " Not bad, not bad," " Hey, sirs," "Hey, Cambot, bring it in a little bit," "I'm ready for this week's invention exchange," "This is called the Cairo-Gyro and if you happen to suffer from back, neck, or pelvis pain, you strap it on and let it go," "It does the work for you, watch," "What do you think?" " Mmm," "I'd like to strap that on you, Larry," " Yeah, that'd be a nice way to unwind," "[GIGGLES]" " Oh, stop it," " I'm sorry," " Here's our invention this week, Joelette," "As you know, the old squirting joke flower has lost its ability to shock or surprise," " We souped it up though," "We came up with the burning boutonniere featuring the flame-flower," " I'd like to see anyone that isn't surprised by that, Joelenne," "Yes," "[LAUGHING]" " I cannot believe you guys, That is so hateful," "BOTH:" "Thank you!" " Well, our burnt offering this week, Joel, is a little scientific nugget called The Corpse Vanishes," " It features Bela Lugosi stewing in his own mediocrity," " Yes, but first another one of those space stinkers," "Commando Cody and the Bridge of Death," " Enjoy," "[BUZZER]" " Movie sign!" "[♪]" "TOM:" "Another republic cereal?" "JOEL:" "Yeah, used to my head-cranker," "I showed it to the professors," "CROW:" "How'd they like it?" "JOEL:" "I think they liked it," "And they had this flame-flower thing, it was very weird," "TOM:" "Radar men from the moon!" "They liked the head-cranker, huh?" "George Wallace, Aline Towne, Roy Barcroft," "William Bakewell, Clayton Moore," "With Peter Brocco, Bob Stevenson, Don Walters," "Tom Steele, Dale Van Sickel, Wilson Wood, Noel Cravat," "Baynes Barron, Paul McGuire, Ted Thorpe," "♪ And written by Ronald Davidson ♪" "♪ John MacBurnie, Fred A, ♪" "JOEL:" "Okay, that's good, That's fine," "CROW:" "Make him read the small print," "JOEL:" "Yeah, what's that symbol mean over there?" "I always wondered about it, TOM:" "It means Golden Club," "JOEL:" "Golden Club turkey?" "TOM:" "Uh, yes, JOEL:" "Okay," "TOM:" "This is in fact a Golden Club turkey of a movie," "Chapter Three, Bridge of Death," "CROW:" "I think it's about dentistry," "JOEL:" "Yeah," "CROW:" "Hey, how come Ted's so big and Commando Cody is so small?" "JOEL:" "Oh Crow, that's a common movie device called foreshortening," "CROW:" "Oh," "JOEL:" "Yeah, they use it all the time," "CROW:" "Instead of butter," "TOM:" "That's like someone's throwing their [indistinct] up," "JOEL:" "It's a Whamo Magic Window," "TOM:" "Evil [indistinct] men continued to use the constant heat ray, which sounded like a Chevy horn," "CROW:" "Hey, surf's up!" " Whoa, maybe we can get out along that side," " What about that tank?" " We may be able to take care of it," "JOEL:" "What about the camera crew?" "TOM:" "They were annihilated, the entire crew was annihilated," "But they got the shot," "JOEL:" "Flash him, he's got his high beams on," "CROW:" "The blood stream," " Let's try this one," "CROW:" "Quick, up this hill," "Try not to look like Mr, Peanut," "JOEL:" "Or Mr, Salty," "CROW:" "Or Mr, Drip," "TOM:" "Or Mr, Bubble," " Give me a hand grenade," "TOM:" "Hand grenade?" "CROW:" "Hand grenade," "TOM:" "Eat shrapnel tire, boys," "JOEL:" "Boy, that really hurt 'em," " He must've gotten off," " Let's move out of here," "CROW:" "What a couple of retreads," "Remember, signal your intent, use your mirrors, put it in reverse, mind your space cushion," "TOM:" "Space cushion?" "CROW:" "It's what they're sitting on," " That does it, Ted," "Let's get back to the rocket ship," "TOM:" "Okay, JOEL:" "Don't bang into anything," "TOM:" "Meanwhile," " Too bad you lost that ray gun," "JOEL:" "Jim never drinks coffee on our home planet," " ,of getting one," "We couldn't possibly attack their city with any of our weapons," " That isn't the worst of it," "They've already tracked us halfway to the ship, so they know about where we are," "CROW:" "Spacemen just don't look at home in a breakfast nook," " One blast from that ray gun will pop this ship like a toy balloon," " Maybe we'd better get back to earth," "JOEL:" "What do you think, mmm?" " I think so," "We've accomplished the most important part of our mission," "We discovered that Redick is planning to lead an invasion from the moon as soon as the saboteurs finish opening up our defenses," "And it's up to us to get the information back to earth," "How soon can we take off?" " Well, I've gotta build up the pressure in all the tanks and warm up the jets," "Maybe a couple of hours," " Then get started," "I'll fly out and scout around until you're ready," "CROW:" "Oh, and the woman will clean up," "How progressive," "[TOM HUMMING]" "Uh?" "Mmm," "Uh?" "That's not one of ours," "Hmm, I'd better-- hmm," "CROW:" "Hey Joel, what's that he's cranking?" "JOEL:" "I think it's some kind of radio," "TOM:" "It's his crotch mounted cordless phone," "JOEL:" "That guy's speaking into a cruller," "CROW:" "Maybe he's Danish," "TOM:" "If it's the moon, it's a cheese Danish," " ,our scout car was attacked," " Splendid," "I'll send another car out after it at once," "Stay there and keep watch," " Yes, sir," "JOEL:" "Hiiiiiiii!" "Oh, my shoes are untied," "CROW:" "He's wearing hand thrown pottery," "My suit's more comfortable and I'm willing to fight about it," "TOM:" "Our own Commando Cody is wearing a stylish frock with metallic pointed, almost gothic styling," "His power things are very flattering, never ever making him look pudgy of bloated," "Mr, Crow?" "CROW:" "Thank you," "Mr, X, on the other hand, is wearing a white cotton space-shift with almost a nymph-like quality to it," "It is belted and gathered at the joints to give it a lighter than air feel," "You too can feel one sixth your own weight in this space-shift by Dundee," "JOEL:" "Alien train supplied by Tyco," "TOM:" "Oh, he didn't come out of his tuck in time," "CROW:" "I'll take that, Mr, Bond," "TOM:" "Nipple, nipple, tweak, tweak, fly, fly, fly!" "JOEL:" "Oh I hate that, my shoe's still untied," "CROW:" "How come he doesn't land on his head?" "JOEL:" "He knows better," "TOM:" "He'd stick there like a lawn dart," " ,found our ship, I took care of him, but I'm afraid he already reported us," "How much longer before we can take off?" " One of those tanks is headed this way!" " How 'bout it, Hank?" " I won't guarantee the results but we can try," "Here it goes, all jets," "CROW:" "Well, one jet," "JOEL:" "Here it comes," " Looks like we may make it," " If we get out of range of their ray gun in time," " Shut off that induction valve!" "CROW:" "Fire in the hole, JOEL:" "We're hit!" "Everybody lean," "TOM:" "Medic, oh!" "Looks like the Macy Parade gone awry," " Particulate compartments," " Right," "TOM:" "Kablooey," "CROW:" "Taking a lot of flack," "JOEL:" "Kind of reminds me of Das Boot," " Looks like we're in the clear," "TOM:" "Das "Moon" Boot, JOEL:" "Yeah," " Things are sort of messed up in there, but nothing serious," "CROW:" "Just everything's broken," " Okay, Hank," "You can start for the Earth now," "Make a 180 degree turn," "TOM: 180 degrees?" "JOEL:" "For savings!" "[CROW HOWLS LIKE A WOLF]" "[♪]" " Very well," "TOM:" "A princess phone, how cute," " Patrol car reported that the spaceship has escaped," " Ship must not be allowed to land on Earth," "JOEL:" "Set it for stun," "CROW:" "Why does the Earth have a shadow?" "TOM:" "Why are there clouds in space?" "CROW:" "Why are we watching this?" "TOM:" "Daddy, what's Vietnam?" "JOEL:" "I told you to never call me here," " ,rocket ship has escaped and is headed back to Earth," "He has all the information about our planned invasion and must not be allowed to tell it to the authorities," "Will you have a ray gun completed by the time he lands?" " I'm afraid that is impossible, Your Excellency," "CROW:" "All the hardware stores are closed," " That ship must be destroyed before anyone can get out of it," "JOEL:" "Set that on stun," " You heard the orders," " Yeah, but it might not be that easy," "There might be guards at the landing field," " Nevertheless, you will carry out instructions," "I will furnish you with a bomb," "You can devise some means for placing it under the ship the moment it lands," " How do we know when they'll get here?" " I'll pick up their approach on my radar," "You can be in position when they land," "JOEL:" "I can't believe those thugs are taking orders from a guy dressed in spandex," "CROW:" "Eh," "Hey, great spot for a picnic," "Did you bring the basket?" "TOM:" "Yeah, I brought it," "Fried chicken, right?" "CROW:" "Crouch down like me," "JOEL:" "We supposed to run like this the whole way?" "CROW:" "Yeah," "JOEL:" "Couple of dumb cops," " Yes, Got to blast 'em," "TOM:" "There's gum under this one," " ,get out of the ship," " Here she comes," "JOEL:" "Look at the lines on that beauty," " Coming in for a landing," "JOEL:" "Just keep turning and switching knobs 'til we get her down," " Calling landing fields, Calling landing fields," " Landing fields to rocket, come in," " We're coming down," "Field clear?" "CROW:" "Walkie-talkie picking' up, pal?" " Alright, Hank, make your 180 degree turn," "JOEL:" "Everybody lean," " You take the one on the right," "JOEL:" "The big one?" "CROW:" "He's not my type," "TOM:" "Oh!" "There's gunplay," "CROW:" "I wanna hear a ricochet," "JOEL:" "Why is it darker on the Earth than on the Moon?" "TOM:" "A humanist question, or a question a human might ask?" "JOEL:" "They're at the Cadillac ranch," "CROW:" "He's at a bang bang," "TOM:" "What kind of a welcome party is this?" "CROW:" "I hope this doesn't happen at the hotel," "Did you call ahead?" "Pa-too-ee," " Let's get over to the car," "TOM:" "Yeah, the bullets don't hurt over there," "JOEL:" "Get over here," "TOM:" "Okay, sir," "Well, you'd notice by all the [indistinct]," " They're taking off in a car," "I'll go after 'em, you guard the ship," "JOEL:" "I'll go after 'em and leave you guys stranded," "CROW:" "Thanks," "Let's hold each other," " They're after us, step on it," "CROW:" "Hey, you almost lost him in that last edit," "TOM:" "Meanwhile, hundreds of miles away," "CROW:" "Good driving," " He's hanging onto us, Give it all you can," "TOM:" "Nothing's worth driving like that," "JOEL:" "They don't even have their belts on, I bet," "TOM:" "Nice shot of me," "Whoa," "Another good shot of me, I look like Gene Hackman," " Stop on that bridge," "JOEL:" "He's got an idea," "CROW:" "Hey, wait, Didn't you see the "bridge of death" sign up there?" "TOM:" "Oh, litter, That'll do it," "Cody hates it when we litter," "JOEL:" "Uh, you shouldn't drink before you have a car chase," "TOM:" "Let's put this garbage here," "Cody'll see it, he'll stop, we'll get away," "We'd better go," "[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]" "CROW:" "I want to see how it ends," "JOEL:" "Come on, let's go," "CROW:" "I want to see this," "Oh, come on," "TOM:" "Think Cody'll survive?" "[HUMMING]" " Hey, whatta ya reading?" " Oh, it's the latest edition of "Tiger Bot Magazine,"" "They have a big full color spread of Data from Star Trek," " Data, wow!" "He's dreamy," " Says here he's getting bigger than Kirk Cameron too," " Wow!" "Hey, hey, look at that schematic there," "Wow, look at that brain," " Wish I had me one of those positronic brains," " Wow, Data's got all the candy," "Hey Servo, uh, who's the dream date this week?" " Let me see, says here," "Tweaky," " Tweaky!" "What a coaster," "He hasn't worked since Buck Rogers," " I know, what a putz," "Bidi-bidi-bidi, wanna dance?" "Buck," "[LAUGHS]" " Yeah," "You know, that guy couldn't interface without a load pan adapter," "Such a shrimpy little bot anyway with those ineffectual arms and that stupid bubble head, and," " Funny, Crow," " Whoops," " Oh, great!" "Look, here's the spreadsheets on Data," "Let's see, turn ons, electricity, quiet walks in the holodeck, cray supercomputers," "Let's see, turn offs, switches," " Yeah, - ,fat Klingons in sweatpants and Shatner hanging around the set telling old war stories," "Oh, here, and Tandy products," "Okay, pet peeves, yes, definitely," "Favorite actress, Julie Newmar," "Favorite Scotch, James Doohan," "Secret fantasy-- hey, wait a minute, look at this!" "His secret fantasy says right here," ""I'd really love to be a human," Oh, man!" " Aw, how predictable," "The old Pinocchio syndrome," " This is the kind of clown that gives us bots a really bad name," " Yeah, what a sellout," " And speaking of sellouts," "[♪]" "TOM:" "I just want to read the article on Data," "JOEL:" "I don't want you reading this stuff," "TOM:" "Hey, you're paying for that," "CROW:" "Hey, litterbug, litterbug," "TOM:" "[indistinct]" "JOEL:" "♪ A corpse is a horse ♪" "♪ A corpse a corpse Unless it, ♪" "CROW:" "It's The Little Rascals music again," "JOEL:" "Yeah," "Hey, look at the shadow I cast, you guys," "CROW:" "Wow," "TOM:" "I think you're casting credits, too," "CROW:" "Hey, do the rabbit," "JOEL:" "Naw, I can't do that," "CROW:" "Eh, looked more like Abe Lincoln," "TOM:" "Or Abe Vigoda really," "TOM:" "Wallace Fox, I'd like to hunt him down and skin him and make him into a little rug," "JOEL:" "I'll get it," "CROW:" "Hey, why is the groom looking at us?" "TOM:" "He's never been in a movie before," "JOEL:" "Hey Doc, he's gonna see us," " ,lawfully wedded husband, to love, honor and obey, until death do you part?" " I" " I do," "[CRIES OUT]" "CROW:" "Nice die," "TOM:" "You may now bury the bride," " Take her into the anteroom," " Yes, sir, CROW:" "And keep it quiet," "People want to take their gifts back if they hear about this," "[CHATTERING]" "JOEL:" "It ruins so many wedding nights when the bride dies," " Please, this is no time for interviews," " Shall I telephone for the ambulance?" " No, the undertaker, She's dead," "CROW:" "Whoa, must be the father of the bride, Gloomy Gus," "TOM:" "Sensitive guy," "JOEL:" "Oh man, that's so sad," "Look, they're taking the cake back," "TOM:" "Thank you, I love cake," "Ooo, the frosting is delicious!" "Alright, we got the cake, now step on it," "CROW:" "Step on the cake, ew," "TOM:" "No, the car-- you!" "JOEL:" "Bing," " Hey, all of you can go now," "TOM:" "Wow, life savers, thanks," " Gee, thanks," "JOEL:" "Lucky guy," "CROW:" "Hey, the red ones are missing," " Good evening, Dr, Rayburn, I'm from the Forest Mortuary," " Forest Mortuary?" "But two of your men just drove away with the body a few moments ago," "TOM:" "Huh?" " There must be some mistake," "They weren't our men," " Well, I've heard of ambulance chasing but this is something new," " New?" "It's sensational," "Another kidnapping of a dead bride, what a story!" "JOEL:" "What a sensitive pair," "CROW:" "Yeah," "TOM:" "Body of dead bride disappears," "Audience baffled by free floating headlines," "Trite headline device used to enhance plot," "Producers hope to work in calendar flipping before the end of the film," " And a few minutes ago, one of the men who helped remove the body of the," "TOM:" "Equally trite radio announcer device," " ,was apprehended by the police," " Go on, Keep talking," " But I told you I was standing on the corner minding my own business when along comes the stiff wagon," "A guy pokes his head out of the window and asked me if I wanted to make a couple of bucks," "CROW:" "And some Lifesavers," " Two, At least all I could see," " What'd they look like?" " I don't know, It was dark," "I didn't pay no attention to faces," " You notice the license?" " What with two bucks staring me in the face?" " Come on, tell the truth, What'd you do with the corpse?" " I didn't do nothing with it," "JOEL:" "He's gonna need that two bucks to buy a new hat," "CROW:" "Yeah," "TOM:" "Shadowy corpse thief escapes," "Trite headline device still ineffective," "Building still large," " As District Attorney, Mrs, Wentworth," "I assure you there won't be any trouble," "You can proceed with the wedding as planned," " Well, we want some assurance besides words," "We want protection," "JOEL:" "Aw, you shoulda discussed that with your daughter earlier," " And if I'm any judge of the appearance of your daughter, she looks as healthy as she is beautiful," " Oh really, mother," "I think you're making much ado about nothing," "CROW:" "Hey, I thought Shakespeare wrote that," " Not in the least," " Well, if we have protection," "I'll feel much better about it," " You'll have it alright, Mrs, Wentworth," "JOEL:" "Boy, what a couple of ugly hats, call the fashion police," " ,wait, I'll pick him up," " That's the Wentworth mother and daughter, isn't it?" "Is the wedding called off?" " Certainly not," "And there isn't gonna be any trouble either," " That's what all the rest of them thought," " I can't answer for Miss Wentworth's health but your paper can print one thing, and that is that there'll be no more theft of girls' bodies," "CROW [WOMAN'S VOICE]:" "Well, we shall see," " Yeah, this will get you and Sandy into the wedding and I want plenty of photographs," " Ho ho, don't worry, boss," "I got enough film to cover the Russian front," "TOM:" "But he'll get chocolate on the pictures," " ,to take me off the society column," " Oh, quit beefing, You're getting a break," "This is the most exclusive wedding of the year," " What if the Wentworth girl drops dead too?" " You'll still tell me what she's wearing along with the rest of the fancy pants," "JOEL:" "That's cold," " Get me the guest list and don't bother about anything else," "JOEL:" "Let me get that for you, - ,with the police, and they'll be plenty more thereabouts," "And if the bride holds up this time, there won't be any snatching," "Now get going," " What if I get a clue," " Oh, I wouldn't let that bother me, sweetie pie," "You wouldn't know a clue if it bit you!" " I'll remember those words, stooge," "CROW: [MAKES SOUNDS LIKE THE THREE STOOGES CURLY]" "♪ I'm getting buried In the morning ♪" "♪ Buried dead Getting buried, ♪" "JOEL:" "Good one, - ,nervous mother," "After all, I'm the one that's getting married," " Oh, I just can't help it," "I'm so afraid something will go wrong," " Oh, forget it, Nothing can possibly happen," "TOM:" "Shhh, donk, Dadadada," " Oh, Allen!" "It's perfect," "JOEL:" "Oh hi," "You're gonna make a perfect dead bride," "TOM:" "Keep a section of the dress," "You'll need them for your toes," "JOEL:" "Same fabric in the coffin," "JOEL:" "I get your car for you, sir?" " ,and this wedding won't wait for us," " Can I help it if we had a blowout?" " Serves you right," "Why don't you buy some new tires for this bug?" " You know, I've been thinking of getting-- hey, are you kidding?" "ALL:" "Oh!" "Doh!" "JOEL:" "I can't believe he went for that blowout story," "He really is a stooge," "[CROW IMITATES CURLY]" "TOM:" "Keep your space cushion, check your blind spot, hands at ten and two on the wheel," "CROW:" "Five minutes, Mr, Lugosi," "JOEL [IMITATES BELA LUGOSI]:" "I'm going to jump out of this truck and scare the pants off everybody," "Blah!" "Blah!" "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "CROW:" "Land shark," "It's Nelson Eddy," " You mustn't come in here, It's bad luck!" " Aw, not even a peak?" " Not even one, You'll see me soon enough," " You see?" "TOM:" "Oh, CROW:" "Simp," " Oh girls, do you mind if I have these last few minutes alone with Alice?" "[ALL GIRLS TALKING TOGETHER]" "[ALL COMMENTATORS IMITATING GIRLS]" "JOEL:" ",she's gonna die anyway," " Well, mother, you're about to lose me," " I hope not forever, dear," " 'Course not," "What are you talking about?" " Do you feel all right, dear?" " Certainly, I never felt better in my life," "You should forget all that silly nonsense about those brides dropping dead," "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "JOEL:" "Telegram," " For Miss Wentworth," " Oh, thank you," "CROW:" "Seems like a nice enough fella," "ALL:" ",at first!" " From Dwight," " No doubt," "TOM:" "It's a box lunch," "I love corn beef," " Wear this next to your heart, darling," "All my love," "[SIGHS]" "What an unusual orchid," "CROW:" "That's the package, - ,saw one like it before," "It's lovely," " It's beautiful!" "ALL:" "It's deadly!" "JOEL [IMITATES LUGOSI]:" "Now for my famous metamorphosis illusion," "I entered the back of the hearse, no one's looking, and," "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "CROW:" "Pizza delivery," " The minister is ready, Mrs, Wentworth," " Thank you, CROW:" "Get out of here," " Say a little prayer, darling," "JOEL:" "I'll readjust that, CROW:" "Muzza wuzzawuzza," "Fuzza wuzzawuzza," "How's that?" "JOEL:" "Mmm, coulda been longer," "Do you promise to love, cherish, obey, until death do you, huh?" "[CRIES OUT]" "CROW:" "Nice die," " Alice, Alice, Alice!" "Oh, darling, darling, are you alright?" "[ALL COMMENTATORS MUMBLING]" " It happened again," " I just got the picture of the month," "TOM:" "For dead bride magazine," "JOEL:" "Oh man, they're taking the deli tray away?" "I think that's so scary," "CROW:" "Yeah, but we can sell it to the Feinberg wedding," "JOEL:" "Speaking of selling," "[♪]" "JOEL:" "Paunch, John, follow 'em," "TOM [IMITATES LUGOSI]:" "Peak-a-boo, my little lamb chop," "CROW:" "What a bonehead," "JOEL:" "Can I get your door for you?" " I just told the news to Keenan, did you get anymore pictures?" " Did I get pictures?" "I covered everything except a close-up of this pretty posy," " Why, that looks like the one the bride wore," "What are you doing with it?" " Presenting it to you, sweetheart, as a token of my devotion, Take a smell," " Who ever heard of an orchid with a scent?" " Well, that one has," "Maybe it's a clue," " What a peculiar sweet odor," "JOEL:" "Oh, that's me," " Yeah, make a swell romaine salad," "JOEL:" "What a strange sense of flavor," " Hey, Pat?" "You're not gonna pass out too, are you?" " No, no, I'm okay," "TOM:" "It's just the pace of this movie that's got to me," "JOEL:" "Need a push?" "TOM:" "Okay," "That's nutty," "CROW:" "Hey!" "It's a hotrod," " You stay right here," "JOEL:" "I gotta scare 'em away," "CROW:" "Good heater," "JOEL:" "You know, that wouldn't happen if he had thrush pipes on it, I'm sure of it," "[IMITATES LUGOSI] Peak-a-boo, I see you," "Are you frightened yet?" "Grab the spare tire, the toolbox, and the deli tray," "Then we short-sheet the bed!" "I love these frat pranks," "TOM:" "Oh, so that's how they do the vanishing corpse trick," "There's a secret panel in the back and they take it out," "I feel like I've been taken," " What kind of a gag is this?" "No driver, no license plate," " Maybe it isn't a gag, maybe it's a decoy," "ALL:" "Nah!" "CROW:" "Yeah, but don't bother putting it out," "TOM:" "Wuh-oh, JOEL:" "What's going on here?" "Check it out," "TOM:" "Two abandoned hearses in one day?" "What are the odds of that happening?" " Calling all cars, Calling all cars," "Another abduction of a girl's corpse," "Brunette, 22 years of age, stop and search all trucks and suspicious looking cars," "CROW:" "Be on the lookout for my toupee," " That's all, Burnside," " Carlo?" "We're taking a look inside this rig," " Sure thing, officer," "JOEL:" "But I don't have any dead bodies in back or anything if that's what you're talking about," "I don't mind showing you," "Come around to the back here, nothing wrong here," "Check it out," "TOM:" "What's that then?" "Hey, I'm in here!" "JOEL:" "Hey, they should check underneath them," "CROW:" "Looks like a driver's license photo," " Alright, go ahead," " Change that headline to read, "Is Wedlock Challenged?"" "Then set up an editorial attacking the DEA's office for playing marbles while some madman runs away with the bodies of dead brides," "[JOEL'S MUFFLED SPEECH]" " Send up the proofs right away," "CROW:" "And get me a ham on rye," " So, it's you," "Well, of all the rotten stories that have ever been turned into this office, yours takes the prize," "No guest list, and we don't even know what the bride wore," " She wore this orchid," " Listen, Miss Hunter, I have a great responsibility," "I'm a public servant," "Parents are calling in The Chronicle frantically with tears in their voice, begging for news of their daughters," "I have a daughter myself who's about to be married," "Maybe she'll drop dead too," "But she won't drop dead from an orchid," " I didn't say that," " Well, then what are you talking about?" " Every one of the brides that died and disappeared were wearing one of these orchids," " How do you know?" " Well, I checked," "TOM:" "It's my job," " Look at these pictures," " Alright, perhaps it's a coincidence," "It still doesn't spell anything," " Then where did the Wentworth girl get this orchid?" "The bridegroom didn't give it to her," "JOEL:" "Huh?" " ,a dozen people gave it to her," "Her mammy, her pappy," "JOEL:" "The guy she went out with," " Besides, this orchid has peculiar odor," "That's unusual," "JOEL:" "That's me, - ,why don't you follow it up?" " Is that an assignment?" " It's a notice that you're through if you don't bring something in," " Okay, Mr, Keenan," "TOM:" "Meanwhile, back at the Adams Family home," "CROW:" "Oh, that must be Stanley, their garage door opener," "Always trying to help people do things right," "[GIGGLE] Everything, uh, ow," "JOEL:" "Bring it in," "Hey, there's Billy Barty and Cloris Leachman," "TOM:" "What's with the noise?" "You trying to wake the dead?" "CROW:" "He doesn't have any pants on underneath that thing," "TOM:" "I'm glad it's shut then," "JOEL:" "It's a soapbox racer," "CROW:" "Don't open it," " My little family," "You're also very fateful," " Master, the Countess is waiting," " Upstairs?" " There," " Oh, we must hurry, Mike?" "JOEL:" "That's one scary name, Mike," "CROW:" "Mike," "JOEL:" "The evil henchman, Mike," "TOM:" "Sends shivers up my diode," "CROW:" "Well, here comes Meals On Wheels," "JOEL:" "Let me help you with that there, mmm-hmm," "CROW:" "Oh Mike, posture, posture," "TOM:" "He has stone walls painted on his drywall," "[MOANING]" "CROW:" "She's practicing for her role as Camille," " Are you suffering, my beloved," " Terribly!" "You must hurry," "[MOANS]" " I'm so sorry," "But I was detained," "Please forgive me," " Forgive you?" "You loiter and waste time, while I wait here dying," "Dying!" "TOM:" "Well, it'd make for a shorter movie," " I will not let you die," " Better death than agony like this," "JOEL:" "No wonder it's taking them so long, look how long it takes them to dress," " Look at me, look at me!" "CROW:" "Uh, no thanks, I just ate," " Now, will you hurry?" "JOEL:" "See, he's still not done bundling up," "TOM:" "Why is he putting on gloves?" "She's dead, What's the point?" "JOEL:" "Maybe he's a performance artist," "We don't know," "CROW:" "Hey, do you think he's a real doctor?" "I don't see no diplomas on his wall," "TOM:" "I think he went to Scare U," "[MOANING]" "Free ear piercing with death," "CROW:" "He's doing the ear piercing with a conductor's punch, though," "TOM:" "Yee," "JOEL [IMITATES BUGOSI]:" "Yes," "That felt good," "Ah," "CROW:" "All that just for a little maple syrup," "JOEL:" "Now we can have the rich taste of bride any time we want it," "CROW:" "You know, it's not just for breakfast anymore," "JOEL:" "Right," "[GROANING]" "TOM:" "He never calls anymore," "He just comes over and shoots me with big needles," "CROW:" "She's a quart low," "[GROANING]" " Courage, my dear, Courage," "[GROANING]" "TOM:" "Don't throw the cotton ball," "CROW:" "Now you might feel a little sting," "[SCREAMS]" "Okay, a big sting," "JOEL:" "Lovely, lovely," "[GASPING]" "JOEL:" "Lovely, lovely," "TOM: [SINGING TO THE TUNE OF "WHIP IT" BY DEVO]" "♪ When a hunchback Comes along, ♪" "JOEL:" "♪ You must whip him ♪" "TOM:" "♪ He's playing with your Corpse, ♪" "JOEL:" "♪ Unless you whip him ♪" "TOM:" "♪ He will not go away, ♪" "JOEL:" "♪ You must whip him ♪" "TOM:" "♪ Whip him whip your hunchback ♪" "CROW:" "Well, that'll straighten him out," " Why do you beat my son so hard," " Because he's a beast, an animal," "And someday I should like to destroy him," "TOM:" "It's just a hunch, JOEL: [LAUGHS] Good one," " My poor son, Why was he ever born?" "CROW:" "'Cause you didn't play safely," " Can you bear to look at me now?" "CROW:" "He can even look at you bare," " You're beautiful," "And I shall always keep you that way," "TOM:" "Hasn't he heard of cryogenics?" "CROW:" "Or saran wrap," "JOEL:" "Or Tupperware?" " Does she live?" " As long as she can be of any use to us," " She's pretty," " Mmm," " Very young," " All of them must be," "Come, my dear," "JOEL:" "Let's get out of here too," "TOM:" "What did they call her?" "[♪]" "[GASPING]" " Oh, man!" "[MOANING]" "[PANTING]" " Whoa, no!" " Oooooo," "Tag, you're it," " Hey, wait wait, Wait, wait, wait," "Come here, come here, you guys," "Come on back here," " What do you want?" " What's going on?" " Face, tag!" "You're it!" "[ALARM BUZZING]" " Oh you!" " Movie sign!" " None of the florists I checked with ever saw an orchid like that," " Well, that's not surprising, This particular," "JOEL:" "I tricked you guys," "TOM:" "You really skunked us," "CROW:" "You cheated," "TOM:" "Next time we play TV tag," " No," "But if you wish to find out more about it," "JOEL:" "Read about it at your library," " ,name of Lorenz," "He was the one who originally hybridized this plant, over in Europe somewhere," " But I just can't go to Europe, just to," " That isn't necessary," "He lives up at Brookdale now," "TOM:" "Oh, how convenient," " Thank you, Mr, Smith," " You're quite welcome," "JOEL:" "He lives at a mall?" "[BELL RINGING]" " Looks like that box got a coffin in it, Jack," " Sure it does, JOEL:" "A box full of box," " What do you suppose he wants with a coffin?" " Search me," "He's such a strange, spooky guy," "The further I stay away from him, the better," " Me too," "CROW:" "What a goofball," " I'll take charge of this," " Go ahead, Take it away," "Glad to get rid of it," "JOEL:" "Something stupid this way comes," " Taxi, lady?" "CROW:" "No, it's a suitcase," " Right this way," "Where to, Miss?" " To the home of Professor Lorenz," " Lorenz?" "I'm sorry, I can't take you there," "I'm outta gas," " You mean, you won't take me?" "TOM:" "Usually the "out of gas" thing comes later in the relationship," " Is this the only taxi in town?" " Yes, ma'am, it is," " Look, I've simply got to get to the Lorenz place," "I'll make, JOEL:" "Listen, dope," "You take her with you," " That truck's going up there, You might get a ride with him," "That is, if you don't mind riding with a coffin," "CROW:" "Are you kidding?" "I love coffins," "Point me at it," " Would you give me a lift to the Lorenz place?" " What do you want to go there for?" " To see the professor," " Does he expect you?" " No, but I," " Then we can't take you," "TOM:" "Jeez, welcome to Snotty-dale," "JOEL:" "She's determined to get on that truck," "TOM:" "Oh, I love those skirts," "Really attractive," "CROW:" "♪ I'm a little teacup Short and, ♪" "Hey!" "Boss, the plane, the plane!" "I mean, uh, the babe, the babe," "JOEL:" "I think you have to be under 43 inches to ride on that ride," " Get off and stay off!" " Look, I've got to see Professor Lorenz, it's important," " I said you couldn't ride," "CROW:" "But she's got a ticket to ride," "TOM:" "She don't care," "JOEL:" "It's an eTicket though, and you know how short those eTicket rides are," " ,you got my bag!" "Oh," "TOM:" "Doh," "And then frustration set in," "JOEL:" "Sheesh," "TOM:" "She looks as fresh as a country lane after a fresh spring shower," " Would you mind giving me a lift?" " Certainly not, Where are you going?" " I'm trying to get to the home of Professor Lorenz," " Well, you're in luck, That's where I'm going," "JOEL:" "Hey, so are we!" "TOM:" "Yeah, yeah," "Professor Lorenz, yeah, come in, yeah, yeah," "CROW:" "Great," " My name is Dr, Foster," " I'm Patricia Hunter," "JOEL:" "I'm Joel, TOM:" "I'm Servo," "CROW:" "And I'm Crow," " No, I'm a reporter," "TOM:" "I'm a robot, JOEL:" "I'm a human being," " You're his doctor, I presume?" " Not exactly, Lorenz is a doctor himself but he has no license to practice," "JOEL:" "Making him a quack, - ,working with him," "We're trying to find a cure for his wife," " Oh, I see," "What type of people are the Lorenzs?" "JOEL:" "Human, - ,find them very interesting," "Professor Lorenz is a man of unusual accomplishment," "But his wife is rather peculiar," "I expect you'll find them both a bit eccentric," "JOEL:" "I like that," "Eccentric, Think we'll see Stanley?" "TOM:" "No, I think-- no," "It's Janie, the garage door opener," "[JOEL LAUGHS]" "CROW:" "He hates those jokes," "TOM:" "He started it," "CROW:" "He was frightened by a garage door as a child," "JOEL:" "You know, he used to play at the Ice Capades," "CROW:" "Why, nobody eats the-- oh, I didn't see it down there," " Toby, tell your master I'm here," "TOM:" "May I take your skirt?" "JOEL:" "Is it just me, or is he really small?" "CROW:" "It's called foreshortening," " ,isn't he?" " I told you they were eccentric," " I'm inclined to believe you," "TOM:" "Excuse me," "Hey, you up there," "You, up there!" " Get out, you gargoyle," "Get out!" "CROW:" "You're no prize yourself, babe," " Good evening, Dr, Foster, Come right in," " Good evening, Professor Lorenz, Countess," "May I present Miss Patricia Hunter," " How do you do," " We have been expecting you," " So, you found my bag in your truck," " Yes, There it is," " Miss Hunter's a newspaper woman, and," " I came here hoping you might grant me an interview," " An interview?" "About what?" " No one asked you to come here," "You are not welcome!" "ALL:" "Nice tag!" " ,my dear," "I'm sure Miss Hunter meant no harm," "Please forgive my wife, she's not well," "Come, you'd better retire," "CROW:" "Good punch for a southpaw," " So, that's what you call being eccentric," "Well, I have another name for it," "CROW:" "I call it "bitchy,"" " I do not like that girl," "She's here for no good," " We have nothing to fear," "JOEL:" "But fear itself," "TOM:" "♪ The weather started Getting rough ♪" " I'm sorry, Professor, if we're intruding," " Not at all, Dr, Foster," "This is our evening for work," "Please, be seated," " Thank you," "TOM:" "My wife tends to slap everybody," " What do you wish to interview me about," " Orchids," " Orchids?" " Yes, I understand that you're an authority on the subject," " They were once my hobby, but I haven't grown any for several years," "Which species are you interested in?" " A very rare one, of the Stanhope type," "A horticulturist told me that you're the original hybridizer of it," "CROW:" "Nobody calls me that and lives," " Yes, I have one in my bag," "I'll show it to you," "TOM:" "I got it off a dead bride," " Where did you get it?" " Oh, um, a friend of mine gave it to me," "You see, I'm doing an article on orchids for my newspaper, and I thought that you'd be willing to supply me with some special data," " I'm sorry, I can't spare the time tonight, Miss Hunter," "You see, I have very important work to do with Dr, Foster," "CROW:" "The real doctor," " I understand," " If your interview can wait until morning," "I'll drive you back here then," "If that's agreeable with Professor Lorenz," " It's quite agreeable but I would suggest that you both stay here as my guests," " Thank you very much, but I prefer going to a hotel," " Just as you wish," "CROW:" "Why, I happen to have a hotel right behind this curtain," " I think it would be foolish to go out in such storm," " The professor is right, Miss Hunter," "Perhaps we had better remain," "However, if you insist," "I'll gladly drive you back to the village," " I'm afraid that would be an imposition since you've so much work to do," "TOM:" "Yes, it would," " Thank you, I'll stay," "JOEL:" "But I don't like it," " Toby will show you to your rooms," "TOM:" "You'll be sleeping with the monkey-boy tonight," " Toby, take up Miss Hunter's bags," "JOEL:" "He's a bellboy too," " Goodnight," " Goodnight, I'll meet you in the study soon," " Very well," "CROW:" "These kooks are coming out of the woodwork," " Why did you ask her to spend the night here?" "JOEL [IMITATES LUGOSI]:" "She's got legs and she knows how to use them," " Very special reason," "TOM:" "He's been injecting her with young and pretty, now he should start injecting her with smart and nice," " Thank you, JOEL:" "Is it appropriate to tip?" "CROW:" "Long as you write him again," "TOM:" "Think if you tipped him, he'd fall right over," " I guess you sleep very good, maybe," "[SINISTER LAUGH]" "JOEL: [CHUCKLES] He thinks that's funny?" " Few times I've stayed overnight here," "I've slept unusually well," " Must be wonderful to have nerves like that," "Tell me, just how well do you know these people," " Why actually, not very well," "I've only recently moved into the village," "You know, a young doctor trying to establish a practice," "CROW:" "And a mustache," " Well, I must be keeping you from your work," "Goodnight, doctor," " Goodnight," "TOM:" "Oops, wrong scene," "JOEL:" "I think she's looking for the other two Andrew Sisters," "CROW:" "Patty and Maxene?" " What do you want?" " Yes, you are beautiful," " How did you get in here?" " So young," "Such lovely skin," "TOM:" "You'd look good rotating on the spit," " Sometime you too will be a bride," "CROW:" "Fresh," "Hey, I was gonna make espresso," "Where'd you go?" "TOM:" "People rarely walk out on international coffees," "JOEL:" "He's taken all her toiletries," "Oh, that little guy, he probably just wants some attention," "He really likes her so," "Maybe he's out in the yard playing on a swing set," "I can't confront him, though," "Yes, yes, let it be known I love him," "Doc, Dopey, Sneezy," "TOM:" "This is much better than my own passage through the sock drawer," "CROW:" "While the reporter sleeps, a pasty film covers her mouth," "JOEL [IMITATES LUGOSI]:" "I just love to watch her sleep," "Look at how pretty her hair looks," "Her pajamas are darling," "Sure, I love my wife, but the upkeep on her is unbelievable," "It's outrageous, seven corpses a week," "If only she could cut back," "Now I'll walk backwards," "Yes," "TOM:" "I've gotta go back here and talk to the lion and the witch," "CROW:" "She awakes with the worst breath of the day," "JOEL:" "But it's his breath," "CROW:" "Ew," "TOM:" "Maybe I was just imagining things," "[♪]" "TOM:" "Meanwhile, back at the mutant heap," "Stanley gets ready for another grueling day at the asbestos factory," " I know where you're going," "[GROANS]" "CROW:" "Hey, don't be short with me," " Some day, the master will catch you," "[GROANS]" " Then you'll be sorry," "TOM:" "What's he gonna do, straighten his spine out?" "JOEL:" "Boy, somebody sure woke up on the wrong side of the slab this morning," "Dig my shadow?" "[TOM GIGGLES]" "JOEL [IMITATES LUGOSI]:" "No, this man is a different story," "No, his hair is all wrong," "Maybe I get rid of the mustache definitely," "It's a crime to hide those classic features," "He sleeps so peacefully," "It's a shame to hide him," "I must walk backwards," "TOM:" "Night of the Living Shadows," "CROW:" "Hey, I brought you some cheese bread and a little glass of milk," "JOEL:" "Now, if I had my way," "I'd do her hair completely differently," "I'd toss her hair back and rope it off with a little chaparral," "It'd be just so lovely," "See, she's lost a lot of protein," "I'd give her a kind of a protein wash and then a rinse and then maybe we'd," "[SCREAMS]" "CROW:" "I don't think she wants a wash," "TOM:" "Make sure you get all those clothes on," "Yeah, get everything," "Get the shoes, the housecoat," "CROW:" "You might say that she's dressing for distress," "TOM:" "Smartly done, but she just does not know how to accessorize," " Dr, Foster?" "Dr, Foster?" "CROW:" "Dr, Denton?" " Dr, Foster?" "Dr, Foster?" "TOM:" "Dr, Scholls?" "Dr, Pepper?" "CROW:" "Kinky," "JOEL:" "Oh, they look so good," "So peaceful, They never looked that good," " Dr, Foster," " What's wrong?" " I just saw someone in my room," "A horrible looking creature," "CROW:" "Aw, that's just Stanley, the gnarled but lovable garage door opener," " He disappeared back there," "JOEL:" "Oh, you've got some nice outfits in here," "Love that Teddy," "CROW:" "Teddy bear?" " Well, he's not here now," "Where did you see him?" " Leaning over my bed," " 'Course, you might have been dreaming," " I'm positive I wasn't," "Earlier in the evening," "Mrs, Lorenz suddenly appeared and then disappeared," "Do you suppose there's another entrance to this room?" " Oh, I doubt it," "Why don't you try to go back to sleep," "No one's going to harm you," "I'm sure it was just a nightmare," " I think this whole place is a nightmare," "ALL:" "So do we," " ,his wife were actually sleeping in coffins," "I saw them," " We often find it difficult to explain the peculiarities of some people," "CROW:" "They're foreign, you know," " I'm awfully sorry to bother you," " There's no trouble," "If you're frightened, call me again," " Goodnight," " Goodnight," "TOM:" "Goodnight," "CROW:" "What a fright-light," " What is the trouble?" "JOEL [IMITATES LUGOSI]:" "Nothing dear, go back to bed," " He has disturbed our guests," " [indistinct]" "He is a menace to us," " Yes," "CROW:" "But he's good with the kids," " It seems the time has come to dispose of him," "TOM:" "Disposable hunchbacks?" "JOEL:" "This closet is huge," "I could fit a ton of new outfits in here," "TOM:" "It's a drive in closet," "CROW:" "Her jammies are really slinky," "TOM:" "Silky to a fault," "CROW:" "I've got a bad feeling about this," "Joel, I gotta sense there's a long basement scene coming up," "TOM:" "Even got its own annoying music," "JOEL:" "A love theme to the basement," "TOM:" "The chilling love theme from The Corpse Vanishes," "Billions sold in Europe," "CROW:" "There's the cast of Carnival Story," "TOM:" "Little leg of the dog that bit him," "[CROW HUMMING WITH SOUNDTRACK]" "Gotta get that on tape," "Hey, lady, slow down," "Hey, art exhibit my nose, Hey, come back here," "Hey, lady," "JOEL:" "Character actor, Burgess Meredith," "CROW:" "Hey, posture," "TOM:" "I guess Stanley didn't see the "no diving" sign that day," "CROW:" "His eating habits are atrocious," "Hey, that's what I'm on about, litter bug!" "JOEL:" "Let this be a lesson to you guys," "Always lift with your knees, or your gonna end up like Stanley did," "TOM:" "We don't have knees, Joel," "CROW:" "Is this a walk on role for him?" "TOM:" "No, it's a walk on, and on, and on role," "CROW:" "Well, no one can hold a candle to his performance," "JOEL:" "I think they could, but no one would really want to," "CROW:" "Maybe they could douse him with something flammable and then hold a candle to him," "Saved a lot of money on the lighting in this," "JOEL:" "Stanley's having some midnight delight," "TOM:" "It's a seven corpse meal," "CROW:" "Oh!" "[TOM LAUGHS]" "JOEL:" "Now, I would do something completely different," "You see, teasing the hair takes protein out," "Using protein 21 religiously helps put back some of the protein that shampooing takes out," "It's one heck of a shampoo," "TOM:" "Joel?" "JOEL:" "Yeah?" "TOM:" "That's really irritating, JOEL:" "Okay, Sorry," "TOM:" "Stop it," "JOEL:" "Pretty," "[CLATTERING SOUND]" " Uh?" "JOEL:" "Hmm?" "TOM:" "These brides are really piling up in here," "CROW:" "Stop slouching," "Or slumming, as the case may be," "[CROW SCREECHING TO TUNE OF SOUNDTRACK]" "[TOM JOINS CROW]" "JOEL:" "Uh-oh," "[GROANS]" " Don't be afraid, Angel," "I would not hurt you," "[GROANS]" "CROW:" "No, he doesn't want to hurt him," "It's just high impact chiropractics," "JOEL [IMITATES LUGOSI]:" "That felt great," "Now I clean up with a little lava," "CROW:" "Real lava," "TOM:" "Here we go, Joel, JOEL:" "Nope," "CROW:" "Oh," "TOM:" "Carry me back to the old satellite," "CROW:" "Carry me too, JOEL:" "Nope, I can't carry you," "You've got wheels, CROW:" "Oh, come on, carry me," "TOM:" "You have legs," "[WHISTLING]" " Well, so," "What can I do for you today, big boy?" " Just, uh, give me the usual," " All right, you want the ears left on?" "[CHUCKLES]" " Right," " Eh, little barber joke there," "Well, okay, Now-- oh say!" "Did you hear about the Mason boy?" " Uh, Jimmy, the oldest?" " Yup," "Got uh, got caught in the family thresher machine," " Oh no," "[WHISTLING]" " Dad had to pull him out with the come along," " Yeah, well the good news is now he gets to play center over at the new high school," "Turn please," " On the basketball team?" "[WHISTLING]" " Looks like the Dixons are marrying off their youngest," " Oh, Pixie, She's a super gal," " Oh yeah," " Yeah, I remember her when she was just a little darling," "You know, she's marrying the Fenton boy now," "He's trouble," "Lean left, No, your other left," "[CHUCKLES]" "Yeah, he's taking hydraulics over at the Vo-Tech," " Didn't that refrigeration course pan out for him?" " Well, it did until the Freon accident," "JOEL AND TOM:" "Oh no," " Mmm, Yup, yup," "Eh-uh, whatta ya want me to do with this cyst?" " Oh, just comb over it, okay?" "You know, I saw the Fentons go over to the hot fish shop, you know?" " Oh," "Oh, they do a nice job over there," "Oh, the relish tray to die for," "We gotta bring the girls down there," "They just love it," " Yeah, they love that place," " Was that your ear?" " No," " How about that?" " Ouch!" "[LAUGHING]" " There goes your tip," " Yup," "Well, hey, you know, I was, I was up the Crazy Days over at Baskerville, you know, the other day for that clown parade thing they do, Joel," "Yeah, you heard of that, Yeah, sure," "They get the Lions Club together with the Kiwanis from Ellsworth, there's about 150 of them there for this clown jamboree, you know?" "And well, you know, about 150 clowns running wild in the street with the big clown suits and the fake mustard and all that stuff," " Yeah, they do a wonderful job," " Oh, yeah," "Well, I know how much you boys like clowns, you know, and well, these boys, anyway, they took a few tall cold ones and that wasn't even enough," "They had a few road sodas with him, you know what I mean?" "And well, they ended up rolling that fire engine right there in the main street," "Gasoline and clown white all over the road," " Oh," " Yup," "And you know, those clown shoes burn like black tires," "Yup, Big black stinky cloud hanging over the whole ugly scene," "Why, they're still picking up clown noses," " Wow," " Oh," " Yup, And they called the coroner from up at Bixby," "You know, he's got that ambulance from the war, you know," "He's the only one in town," "And they still managed to cram all 200 of them clowns into that little, bitty wagon," " That's um," " Yup," "Sad thing," "[♪]" "JOEL:" "I think it's a pretty good haircut," "TOM:" "I think your head looks like it was chewed on by a rat, Joel," " Morning, Miss Hunter," " Good morning," "CROW:" "Well, that's where I got the idea," " Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were up," " Up?" "I've been up all night with dead people," " Dead people?" "What do you mean?" " Come in, and I'll tell you," "TOM:" "Not much of a party," " What kind of a place is this?" "Last night I had the most horrible experience of my life," " Well, what was it?" " I saw lots of girls in crypts down underneath this house," "CROW:" "Oh, don't knock or anything, Bela," " What was that you were saying, Miss Hunter?" " Why have you a mausoleum in the basement?" " Mausoleum?" "What the hell are you talking about?" " You know what I'm talking about," "TOM:" "Can the balloon juice, Prof," "I know what I'm talking about, - ,creature," " My dear, you must've had a bad dream," " Now look, Professor, This was no dream," "TOM:" "This was no boating accident," " Shortly after I called you and told you about that horrible creature in my room," " Is that true, Dr, Foster?" " Well, I don't recall anything about it, Miss Hunter," "You must be mistaken," " Well, if I was dreaming, it was the darndest nightmare I ever had," " Well, I slept very soundly myself," " Miss Hunter was rather upset, I think, when she retired," "You see now, in dreams, our minds play strange tricks on us sometimes," "JOEL:" "Yeah, like the little wiener between the fingers trick," " Oh, Professor?" "That orchid I brought up here to show you is gone," "I couldn't find it in my bag," " That's too bad," "Perhaps you forgot to pack it," "Will you be down soon?" " Yes, right away," " Are you coming, Doctor?" " Of course," "CROW:" "Joel, why don't you wear nice things like that," "JOEL:" "Well, I got shot into space," "There wasn't any time to pack," "CROW:" "Oh," "What's wrong with her?" "TOM:" "She's in love with the hunchback," "Can't eat, can't sleep, all she wants to do is be with him," "Be with him!" " Shall we go into breakfast?" " No thank you," "I've got to get back to the city," "Will you drive me to the station, Dr, Foster?" " I'll be glad to," " But what about the interview?" " Well, that'll have to wait until some other time," "I just remembered an appointment at the office, so I've got to catch the next train," "If you'll excuse me, Countess?" " Yes, I will excuse you," "JOEL:" "And then I'll slap you," " Professor, do you also make a hobby of collecting coffins?" " Why yes, in a manner of speaking," "I find a coffin much more comfortable than a bed," "CROW [IMITATES LUGOSI]:" "It's a water coffin," " Many people do so, my dear," "Is it so strange that I accept one while waiting for eternal rest?" " No, I suppose not," "Well, thank you for your hospitality," "Goodbye," "TOM:" "Wait, it is strange," " I trust we will meet again," "It has been so nice meeting you," "JOEL:" "What a sweet couple," "CROW:" "Kooky," " Don't tell me I'm still dreaming," " Well, what do you mean?" " That gravedigger, he's real, isn't he?" "JOEL:" "What gravedigger?" " Oh, he's real alright," "But I hardly think he's a gravedigger," "More likely laying the foundation for a house," " You're a trusting soul, aren't you, Doctor?" " Is that a crime?" " No, on the contrary, I envy you," " Are you trying to make me believe you're one of those hard boiled reporters that we read about or see in the movies?" " No, but working on a newspaper, one becomes cynical and suspicious," "CROW:" "Aw, she writes for Crappy Dick," "What a bucket of bolts," " I've enjoyed meeting you, Miss Hunter," "I hope to have the pleasure of seeing you again," " I have a hunch you will, Doctor Foster," "TOM:" "You have a hunch too?" "I guess it's contagious," " ,just why did you come up here, or is it a secret?" " It is, but somehow I feel that I can trust you," " You can," " You've heard of the case of the vanishing brides?" " Why, surely," " I think I have a clue," " You don't mean that you suspect," " Yes, I do," "I wanna show you something," "What are these?" " Why, they're orchids, of course," " You bet they're orchids," "And they didn't grow in my dreams," "They're exactly likely the one that disappeared from my bag," "TOM:" "They grew in, [indistinct]," " I found them on the floor beside my bed this morning," "The person who came into my room last night must've brought these with him," "That seems like a logical explanation," " There's no question about it," "Honestly, Doctor, don't you remember meeting me in the hallway last night," " No, I don't," "And if I did I-- I must've been asleep," " Either that, or you were hypnotized," " Yes, that's quite possible," "CROW:" "He may still be," "TOM:" "[indistinct]," "JOEL:" "Looks like a train, but he'll need proof," " Well, watch your step," "And if you discover anything, call me," " That's a promise," " Goodbye," " Not goodbye, au revoir," "CROW:" "No, not au revoir, ciao," "No, not ciao, aloha," "No, not aloha, aufiderzein!" " Alright, print the story on page one," "[JOEL MUFFLED SPEECH]" " ,fingers crossed that this paper isn't sued for libel by some of these phony suspects that the police are bringing in," "[JOEL MUFFLED SPEECH]" ",get me a [INDISTINCT] outta the guy they just brought in," " I don't want photographs, I want real clues," "If the DA's office can't pick up the madman who's stealing the bodies of these dead girls, maybe we can," " Okay, I'll throw it in the wastebasket," "JOEL:" "The script?" " No, have it developed, [indistinct] Where's Lefty?" " Over at Central Station," " The only thing he gets over there is a game of gin rummy," "Tell him to get back here," " Well, I got something," " I'll say you have, you're fired," " What do you mean?" "You can't do that to me," " Listen, just because the bodies of dead girls disappear is no reason you can do a vanishing act," " But you gave me the assignment," "Yeah, I suppose I did," "Alright, where have you been?" "What've you uncovered?" " Well, hey, not so fast," "Listen, Mr, Keenan, last night I went through the most gruesome experience of my life," " You should talk," "All of my life has been a nightmare," " Well, you can rest easier now, because I've seen plenty," "If I can only prove I wasn't dreaming," " Dreaming?" " I had a dream last night myself," "I dreamed you gave me that raise you been promising me," "TOM:" "Thank you, Shecky," " ,go on with your dream story," " Well, there's a certain Professor Lorenz that lives upstate," "He knows all about orchids but insists that he doesn't grow them anymore," "Yet, I found these in my bedroom this morning," " Listen [indistinct] you didn't go off someplace and get married, did you?" " No, I didn't," "But I saw the bodies of those other missing brides," " Alright, Now take it easy," "Stop breathing hard, Pat, and tell me all about it," "Did you really see any bodies?" " Yes, and no," " I see, Just a bit of ectoplasm," "JOEL:" "Yeah, on the front of your jacket," " ,only, Oh, I can't explain it," " Yeah, you know something the same way I am," "I see brides everywhere, hear wedding bells ringing in my ears," " And I saw a dead man too," "ALL:" "And his hair was perfect!" " Very well," "JOEL:" "Hubba, hubba, what a suit," "Let me clean that off, - ,I'm sorry," "She's busy, she's with Mr, Keenan," " It's very important that I see her," "I'm Dr, Foster," "I wonder if you'd mind announcing me," "TOM:" "And now, right here in our very office, a very talented young Doctor, please welcome," " ,insists on seeing Miss Hunter," " Tell him he can have all of her time from now on," " That's the Dr, Foster I was telling you about," "Maybe he has more evidence," " Alright, send the saw bones in," " Hey look, if you don't mind," "I'm going out for a nervous breakdown," "TOM:" "Funny!" " Well Doctor, you almost beat me here," " Yes, I drove down," " Dr, Foster, Mr, Keenan, my editor," " Very nice to meet you, Mr, Keenan," " How do you do?" "This cub reporter of mine has been telling me a weird story about a certain Dr, Lorenz up in your neighborhood," " It's weird alright, but I'm confident it's true," "After you left, I looked around the station to find out if Lorenz had any other coffins assigned to him," "I found the consignment alright, but instead of a coffin, it was a box filled with this stuff," "CROW:" "Olive loaf," " So what?" "That's ordinary garden moss," " It's moss, alright, But not ordinary," "This is a special type used by florists and hybridizers for growing orchids," "It's called ozmondin," "ALL [MUMBLING]:" "Ozmondin?" " ,he does grow orchids like these," "And the same kind were worn by every one of the brides that died," " Well, maybe it is a clue," "But how do I know that the rest isn't a cockeyed nightmare?" "CROW:" "Or a night-eyed cock-mare," " ,you don't remember talking to her," " I could've talked to her while in a somnambulistic state, under the influence of hypnotism," " Aw, now wait a minute," "Are you trying to tell me that this Professor Lorenz is a hypnotist as well as a horticulturist?" "JOEL:" "And a ventriloquist," " My short acquaintance with him has convinced me that he's a man of unlimited talents," "He's strange, peculiar," "I've even suspected him of being insane," "But the fact remains, he's not only a doctor, but a physicist and a scientist of great ability," "TOM:" "And a horticulturist," " ,this hotheaded wife of his?" " I hesitate to bring her into the case at all," "Professional ethics forbid a doctor talking about his patients," " Oh, forget about your ethics, Doctor," "After all, we're after a criminal," "How does this woman fit into the picture?" "Come on," "JOEL:" "Just clearing him up a little bit there," " ,curious fact about her is that although she has the appearance of a young woman, her heart and arteries indicate that she's at least 70 or 80 years old," " Well, that doesn't explain anything," "It certainly doesn't explain why," "TOM:" "It's tidy, now," " ,should steal these dead girls," "JOEL:" "Nice and clean," " It's possible they may still be alive," " Alive in a cataleptic state?" "TOM:" "Iowa?" " Alright, alright, What are your other deductions?" " Simply this," "These young girls, whether dead or alive, are being used by Lorenz in some manner, as human guinea pigs to sustain his wife in a youthful state," "TOM:" "Bride juice," " Oh, that's preposterous," " It's nothing of the kind," "Scientists are finding out every day that glands and hormones have a lot to do with life and health, JOEL:" "Yeah!" " The glands in our bodies help determine the condition of our teeth, the texture of our hair," "CROW:" "The cut of our jib, JOEL:" "Learning is fun," " ,I wouldn't dare print such a fantastic story," " I bring you the biggest story of the year and a chance to get this newspaper a real scoop, and you call it fantastic?" " Alright, I'll put Doyle on it to track it down," " I'm afraid you won't get very far," "Professor Lorenz is a clever man," "Clever enough to withstand any investigation and destroy any evidence," " Why not track the fella?" " How?" " Well, he steals dead brides, doesn't he?" " Aw, now look, Pat," "Do you want to be a June bride?" " Well, sure, I mean, that is, no, not yet," "JOEL:" "Oh," " Anyways, Lorenz knows me," " Alright, then stop talking nonsense," "This paper can't assume the responsibility of such a harebrained scheme," " Oh, please, Mr, Keenan," "You can't pass up an opportunity like this," "[♪]" "CROW [WOMAN'S VOICE]:" "Cigars, cigarettes, tiparillos?" " Give me a bourbon with soda," " There she is," " Cigarettes?" " Eh, she's cute," "CROW:" "Well, if you're into that sort of thing," " Well, would you like to dance?" " Later, Business before pleasure, you know," "JOEL:" "Do you really think it'd be a pleasure to dance with him?" " Miss Woods, Dr, Foster," " Good evening, Miss Woods," " How do you do?" " I've something important to tell you," " I'm all ears," " Let's go to your dressing room," " Okay," " I won't be long," " Alright," "JOEL:" "Let's powder our noses," " Peggy, I've landed a good part for you," "A chance to prove your talent," " Really?" "What is it, a picture or a play?" "JOEL:" "Call girl," " My paper's going to stage a phony wedding and we want you to be the perfect June bride," " Now wait just a minute," " With bride's maids and flowers and all the trimmings," " What is it?" "A circulation stunt?" " No," "You've heard of the case of the vanishing brides," " Sure," " Well this is a plan we had to track the person," "CROW:" "What is it?" " ,who's been stealing their bodies," " Are you kidding?" " Certainly not," "The job will pay you plenty," " How'll I collect if I'm dead?" " You won't be dead," "All you have to be careful of is not to smell any flowers," " All I do is lie six feet underground and push them up, nix," "Count me out!" " Listen, Peggy, I'm offering you a chance to get your picture on the front page of every newspaper in this country," "CROW:" "And in the obituary," " ,Broadway producers and Hollywood studios will be offering you contracts," "Why, it's the chance you've been waiting for!" "TOM:" "That's really a load of hooey," "[GROANS]" "CROW:" "And there she is," " She's the most unusual type," "JOEL [IMITATES LUGOSI]:" "She's just my type, B-positive," " She'd make a charming addition to our family," " June 20th," " A date we shall not forget," "JOEL [IMITATES LUGOSI]:" "A date that will live in infamy!" "[SINISTER LAUGH]" " Fagah, what are you doing in this part of the house?" "TOM:" "What'd he call her?" " I keep hearing my son's voice calling for me," " Your son is better off where he is," "Go back to your work," " Master, you shouldn't have done it," "He didn't deserve to die!" " Do what I say and don't come up here again!" "CROW:" "Or it's community theatre for you, babe," " Yes, Master," "TOM:" "Lorenz Leachman, ladies and gentlemen, give her a big hand, Lorenz Leachman," " Well, everything's all set," "She's young and pretty," " Yeah," "What assurances have we that this Lorenz guy will show up to make the snatch?" " And what happens if he does kidnap this fake bride?" " Well, the private chapel and the neighborhood will be covered with guards and well," "Lorenz hasn't a chance to escape," " Providing he shows up," "And if he doesn't, I'm sucker and out 500 bucks," " And if he does, you have an exclusive story with big juicy headlines," "JOEL:" "Big, tender, sloppy headlines," "Slathered with sauce," "Chomp, Juicy to a fault," " Well, blushing bride, here's where you go on for your big scene," " Or big flop, My knees are shaking," " There's nothing to be afraid of," "Here's your bouquet and the phony orchids," "Now don't forget to put on your hat," " Leave that to me," "You got plenty of photographers out there?" " Certainly," " And what about the cops?" " How many times do I have to tell you?" "Nothing's going to happen to you," " Oh, Miss Hunter," " Yes?" "JOEL:" "Doesn't smell weird to me," " Uh, I wanted to ask you," "In this ceremony, shall we use the word "cherish" or "obey?"" " You mean, for the bride?" " Yes," " Well, just for this once, let's put the old fashioned word in, "obey,"" " I've marked the words here," "Just read the ceremony slowly, solemnly," " Yes, I understand," " I hope what you're doing isn't wrong," " It's all in good cause," " Well, I suppose it is," "Well, if you need me, you'll find me in my study," " Thank you, You've been grand, Reverend," "CROW:" "And really creepy," " What do I do now?" " Just march down the aisle and don't forget to faint at the altar," " Well, here goes nothing," "TOM:" "And the rest of the film," " How's everything going?" " Alright so far, I guess," " Good," " Ceremony's about to begin," " I certainly hope somebody shows up besides these ham actors I'm paying," " You know, it seems to me that if Lorenz were ready to strike, he'd have sent an orchid," " Just a minute," "JOEL:" "Hey, it's Lee Harvey Oswald, you guys," " Did you say orchid?" " And I'll take you with it," "JOEL:" "Oh, they nabbed him," " There you are," "TOM:" "Well, there's a second actor theory," " It looks like you're right," "CROW:" "No actors in this scene," "[PIANO NOTES]" "TOM:" "They just don't look conspicuous enough, do they?" "JOEL:" "They're the mother and father and father of the bride," "TOM:" "Ah," "CROW [CRIES]:" "So sad," "[TOM AND CROW CRYING]" "JOEL:" "Hey, come on," "It's not a real wedding, you guys," "Don't cry," "CROW:" "We know, it's the script that's upsetting us," "JOEL:" "Mmm-hmm," "It's the Notre Dame fight song," "CROW:" "He makes a lovely bride," " It looks just like a real wedding, doesn't it?" " Yes, Too bad it isn't, ours," " Is that a proposal, Dr, Foster?" "CROW:" "It's the best I can do, you know I can't gesture," "JOEL:" "He asked me!" " ,speak to you in his study, Miss Hunter," " But," "Oh, you mean, the real Minister," " Yes, ma'am," " Thank you," "I'll be right back," "TOM:" "Oh man, did I really just ask her to marry me?" "What was I thinking?" " You wanted to see me, Reverend?" "[TOM GROANS] [SCREAMS]" "JOEL:" "It's the sleeper, and that's illegal submission hold," "CROW:" "Two points," " Where's Pat?" " Minister sent for her," "JOEL:" "Well, what's he gonna do, his horticulture, hypnotism, or ventriloquist act?" "TOM:" "Oh, probably ventriloquism," "Always a crowd pleasure," "JOEL:" "She's in the right position for it," "CROW:" "Say hello to the folks, Bobby," "Hello, Bobby, hello," " I'll be right back," "JOEL [IMITATES LUGOSI]:" "She'll be perfect for my experiments," "CROW:" "She's acting a little wooden," " Oh Pat?" "TOM:" "Everyone on stage for the big Cossack number," "Five minutes, JOEL:" "Hmm?" "CROW:" "What the,?" "Cheap door," "TOM:" "A midget in a stairwell," "You can't really get much shorter than that," "CROW:" "He makes it seem like we're in an airplane," "[♪]" "JOEL:" "There's that Laurel and Hardy music again," "[GUNSHOT]" "TOM:" "Oh1 Nice shot," "CROW:" "Trying to kneecap Bela," " Please, Master!" "Don't leave me," "JOEL:" "Oh, that's cold," "Oh great, Tony, You shot a midget," "I hope you sleep well tonight, Real nice," "CROW:" "I didn't know," "JOEL:" "They got a new garage door opener," "TOM:" "Cloris is the only one left," "JOEL:" "It's the old fashioned kind of garage door opener," "TOM:" "An old woman?" "JOEL:" "Yeah," "CROW:" "Hey, don't bruise the goods," " Toby, my son, Where is," "TOM:" "Table for one?" " Toby's gone, He was careless," " You shouldn't have left," " [indistinct] Where's the Countess?" " Waiting, as usual," " Hurry up, Let's go," "CROW:" "She's the worst mother in the world," "JOEL:" "Oh, that's a great lab," "Nice dirt floor, real sanitary, you know?" "[GROANING]" " There was trouble?" " Yes, but we'll be finished before anyone finds us," " But the brides," "What will we do without them?" " We have to leave them here," " Which means I will perish!" " [indistinct]" "In the meantime, we take this one with us," " What are you waiting for?" "JOEL:" "He's gotta dress again, takes a really long time," " Well, my dear, CROW:" "He looks good for being in a truck, in a bag," "JOEL:" "Nice quaff," " I would have preferred that you would be a bride, but it really doesn't matter," "You'll serve our purpose just as well," " Now both of my sons are gone," "You betrayed me, Master, [GASPS]" "JOEL:" "That's the price you pay for being a sideshow pass around," " I have work to do," "TOM:" "He's really not a good man," "Turn off The Little Rascals Music too," "JOEL:" "Time for the ear piercing," "CROW:" "Get that paper punch," "TOM:" "It just never heals well with a dead person," "CROW:" "Hey Cloris, what's up?" "Oh yikes!" " No!" "No!" " You betrayed me, Master, You shouldn't have done it," "CROW:" "He got the point," "TOM:" "Due to the nature of this film, no one will be admitted during the tragic punching scenes," "[MOANING]" "CROW:" "Hey, you've got a, TOM:" "You've got something," ",on the corner of your mouth, you might want to get that, yeah," "CROW:" "Why you, I oughta," "JOEL [IMITATE LUGOSI]:" "These frat parties are awesome!" "I'm wasted," " You stay here and cover this room," "CROW:" "Quick, everybody up here," " Your hand is unsteady," "TOM:" "Of course it's unsteady, I've just been stabbed by a second rate character actress," "[GROANS]" "CROW:" "Quick, through here everybody," "And in through here," "Down here," "Right," "In through here," "[SCREAMS]" "CROW:" "Nice swoon," " Pat!" "Pat?" "Pat?" " Is she dead?" " No, just scared to death," "[SIGHS]" " Alright, break it up, We've got headlines to write," " Do I get a byline?" "[CHUCKLES]" " After this, you can have a clothesline with my shirt on it," "JOEL:" "That old clothesline joke," " I now pronounce you man and wife," "JOEL:" "And man," " Finally make a newspaper woman out of you and then you have to go and quit," " And to think that this was the cause of it all," "[LAUGHS]" "TOM:" "[indistinct]," "JOEL:" "We better get out of here," "I sense, [ALL YELLING]" " Okay, it's that time, It's the end of the movie and it's time for some ram chip action, okay," " Wow!" " You know what to do, Tom Servo, why don't you tell us about it buddy?" " Okay, Mr, Patronize," "We say something good about the movie and something bad about the movie and then we get a ram chip," "Right, To Sir With Love?" " Yeah, and I think I'm going to start with Crow while you adjust your attitude, alright?" "Okay Crow, give me a good thing about the movie, give me a bad thing about the movie," " Good thing about the movie was, we got to meet an entire family of mutants," " Right, and the bad thing?" " Bad thing was, they're so stupid they tried to commit inconspicuous murder on the most conspicuous day of a woman's life," " You, my friend, get a ram chip," " Ah!" " There you go, alright, good," "Oops, fell out there," "Okay, anyway, Tom Servo," "Now, tell me a bad thing about the movie," " Well, it was painfully long, the color was nonexistent, it was a bad print, it was really hard to watch" "Bela Lugosi's already mediocre career," " Okay, okay, that's good," " ,total obscurity," " Okay, that's good, Now just give me a good thing," " A good thing, hmm, um," " Get a ram chip," " Um," " Just give me a good thing, pal," "What's wrong?" "Can't you think of a good thing about the movie?" " A good thing, something is wrong," "[PANTING]" "Easy," " Whoa!" " Oh, man," "Crow, you gotta go get my tools," "Tom Servo is toasted, This one's fried," "Anyway, scientists, what'd you think of that one?" " Hey, it blew up one of those little drone things," "I'll make a note to get more movies just like that," " Yes, Here Larry, file this," " Yeah," " Well, bye for now, my little space biscuit," "[♪]"