"D'oh!" "* On the twelfth day of Christmas *" "* My true love gave to me: *" "* Twelve Grampas grumbling *" "* Eleven Barneys belching *" "* Ten Lennys leaping *" "* Nine Carls dancing *" "* Eight Moes a-milking *" "* Seven Selmas smoking *" "* Six Flanders praying *" "* Five... golden..." "Frinks *" "* Four crawling nerds *" "* Three-eyed fish *" "* Two special Ralphs *" "* And a Maggie in a Snuggley *" "So what prank are you gonna lead off with?" "The exploding pen." "Don't think I've heard of it." "Let the games begin." "Simpson, that is a rebuilt Yugoslavian engine." "There isn't even a Yugoslavia anymore!" "Bring it back at once!" "You're the boss." "Stupid punishment." "I hate hard work." "Unless it's on pranks." "Shiny enough to see Skinner's ugly face." "Come with me." "I'll grill your cheese yet boy." "You weren't the first prankster to destroy the car I rent from Mother, and you won't be the last." "Rent?" "Rent to own." "Just 35 more payments, and it's halfway mine." "The point is, I've seen hooligans like you come and go." "You're all just a big blur of short pants and sinister smiles." "Well, maybe so, but I'm the best." "The best of your era maybe." "Are you saying there was a kid who was worse than me?" "Huh." "Way worse." "Anyway, think no more about it." "You're dismissed." "Wait!" "Wait!" "If there's someone worse" "I have to know who he is." "He?" "It's a she?" "!" "Just kidding." "It's a guy." "But let's not dwell on the mysterious figure from the past who was your superior in every way." "Out you go." "Milhouse, there was a guy who pulled even bigger pranks than me." "Wow!" "Imagine his sidekick." "Man, if he lost that giant inhaler he'd really be in trouble with his parents." "Hmm." "* Tubs are for bath time and water-splashy fun *" "* But there's one thing that must never be done *" "* Poop in the tub *" "* Poop in the tub *" "* I'm not gonna poop in the tub *" "Okay, everyone." "Snack time!" "I've got milk and cookies." "Hydroxeos?" "!" "Marge, how could you?" "!" "Those cookies are full of high-fructose corn syrup and partially hydrogenated oils." "Have you even read the books I've read?" "But this is from the Kwik-E-Mart." "You and your husband work there." "I would sooner pour the polluted water of the Ganges down their gullets than give them this carton of cow cancer you call milk." "Sorry." "I didn't know." "Marge, until you start serving healthy food the midday mommies are pulling you from snack rotation." "Hydrogenated?" "Ehh!" "Mmm-hmm." "A prankster that awesome must've made the school paper." "Hmm." "Lise," "I just discovered something weird." "Ten years ago, this paper didn't publish for two whole weeks." "Now, before the gap, look at Skinner." "Hmm." "And here he is after the gap." "Hmm, something must've happened during those two weeks to turn Skinner from cool to, as you would say, tool." "I know what happened:" "The ultimate prank." "A prank that changed Skinner from cool to tool." "Is that a backhoe behind him?" "Huh." "It is!" "Zoom in and enhance." "Mm." "Willie!" "He must know the answer." "Before you go, can you distribute these newspapers throughout the school?" "Well, I'd be a pretty lousy brother if I didn't." "Willie, I know you witnessed the most awesome prank since creation." "Can you tell me about it?" "I'll nay speak to you of those dark times, Bart Simpson." "But if there was a more awesome dude than I" "I need to know who he was, what he did and how many days detention he got." "Something happened." "Something that changed Skinner, and you." "I haven't changed!" "I've always been Swim Teacher Willie and I always will be!" "See, oh..." "All right, I'll tell you." "Years ago, the school had a pool." "I was an eager young swim coach teaching American youth the revolutionary Aberdeen crawl." "It was a talented group." "we were all set to go to the state finals." "I shaved and waxed the boys myself." "Then came the night of the wigglers." "What an awesome day!" "Yo, Skin-Man." "Little help?" "Right back at you, Jason." "Stay in school." "I will!" "I am so stoked for my daily swim." "If he stopped whistling, and looked down the world wouldn't have changed that night." "But he didn't, and it did." "Worms!" "He spent all weekend in the crip full of creepy crawlies." "Monday was teacher development day so Skinner wasn't rescued 'til Tuesday morn." "By then, he was the twisted monster you see today." "Shut this pool down, Groundskeeper Willie." "Willie." "Bart." "Monster." "So my ass isn't the badest in the history of this school." "Who did it, Willie?" "His name is Andy Hamilton." "Andy Hamilton." "But whatever you do never tell me where you learned his name." "Or I'll kill whoever told you." "Marge, what are you doing?" "This junk food has got to go." "It's full of chemicals transfats and hard-pour corn." "No!" "Don't worry, my sweets!" "I'll put out the fire!" "Homie, no!" "That topping is a petroleum by-product!" "Ow!" ""Andy Hamilton, 53 Hyperion Drive."" "Bart, it's not always a good idea to meet your hero." "I once followed Santa home from the department store and what I saw wasn't pretty." "I can't live my life knowing there might be someone better than me at the one thing I'm good at." "Entre and par-tay!" "Crazy Glue!" "Bart, you've been pranked!" "Eh, needs a topper." "Look, somebody had left glue loosener just lying around!" "Ah!" "Here it comes." "Ay, caramba!" "Man, it is an honor to meet the guy who wormed Skinner." "You know, when I was your age we couldn't film our pranks for YouTube." "It was local news or nothing." "Potato chip?" "Hmm, wait a minute." "Are there spring snakes in this can?" "No, no, no, no, no." "Give me some credit." "It's a real snake." "Whoa!" "Don't worry." "It's defanged." "Although he can still rub poison on you with his gums." "I would really wash that arm if I were you." "Can I go home now?" "You should probably wait." "You're gonna be very sleepy for the next few hours." "Isn't this the best day of your life?" "So you wanna be" "Springfield Elementary's next Andy Hamilton?" "Then you'll have to top these awesome pranks." "The bear traps in gym class." "The fire in the drinking fountain." "And, of course the fake heart attack on an international flight." "To land a plane in Nairobi." "Some chick missed her own wedding!" "I am impressed." "Andy has the perfect life." "All he does is reminisce about his pranks." "And when his mom gets home from work she makes him whatever sandwich he wants." "This Andy sounds like kind of a loser." "How could someone so much like me be a loser?" "* Loser!" "*" "Would a loser have shown me how to put printer's ink in a bottom of shampoo?" "I've never felt so clean!" "* Looooser!" "*" "Yeah, but, uh, uh..." "Dad, Lisa's making me see things from both sides again!" "Lisa, I warned you about that." "Shouldn't Bart have all the information he needs to make an informed decision?" "Well..." "Now you're doing it to me!" "Oh!" "Mom, what would you do if someone you cared about might be a loser but they thought they were awesome?" "Are you talking about your father?" "That loser?" "No." "I'm talking about this guy who's 19, and never really grew up." "Well, when you care about someone it's not out of line to give them a gentle push in the right direction." "Got it." "Did you wash those carrots?" "No." "You could've washed them after you cut them but now they're done for!" "Oh!" "I don't like the looks of this place, Marge." "I don't see any standees for chips, standees for soda." "I don't see any standees at all!" "From now on, our family is eating health food that looks bad on the shelf but good in our colon." "Why is that man carrying a purse?" "That's a reusable grocery bag." "This store doesn't use plastic bags because they end up in the ocean and upset jellyfish mating rituals." "Stupid horny jellyfish, neutering our dudes." "Hmm." "Almond butter, soy milk non-soy dairy based soy sauce steel-cut spelt husk" "Chef Soy-R-D soy-based spaghetti, and soy balls free-range gluten ultra-Vegan invisible cheese." "You know, you don't have to read the items aloud." "I know what they are." "Okay, that comes to $790." "800 bucks?" "!" "Oh, wait." "I didn't see these blueberries." "$830." "Fine." "But we're going to a regular grocery store next week." "A week?" "Without preservatives, this food won't last a day." "Look." "Oh!" "Well I guess they can go either way." "Oh, God!" "I'm in horrible pain!" "Andy, man." "Is this the way you wanna spend the rest of your life?" "Having to borrow spray paint from a ten-year-old kid?" "I told you, okay?" "I'll pay you back when I get my allowance." "I mean not this one, but the one after next." "Oh, God." "You're right." "Look, I think I can get you a job." "Krusty owes me a favor after I perjured myself for him during a deposition." "You would get me a job?" "Thank you, man." "Um, I would keep that on for the interview." "Hey, hey!" "If it isn't my old friend... you." "Krusty, I need a favor." "For you, kid, anything." "Anything at all." "Although I won't read screen plays." "That's for your protection." "And you can't ride on my private jet." "And I won't give a struggling young comic his first chance." "I won't give a broken-down hack his last chance." "I won't buy you kids booze." "The judge was very clear on that." "Now, what can I do for you?" "Oh, I don't sign footballs unless you're dying and it reverts back to me after six months if you're not dead." "As my new second assistant you've gotta drive me from my office to the stage." "And if you see anybody I screwed over on the way avoid them." "Whoa!" "Ex-wife!" "Former writing partner!" "Bookie!" "Dog I abandoned!" "A.A. sponsor!" "Love child!" "Tiddly." "Wink." "Tiddly." "Wink." "Didn't Andy start work today?" "Yes." "Tiddly." "Then why is he standing in our driveway?" "Wink." "You were supposed to be at work!" "I tried, man." "But he was like, "Do this thing!"" "And I'm like, "Why, dude?"" "And he's like, "I'm your boss!"" "And I'm like, "I quit."" "And you're like, "You're supposed to be at work, man!"" "Then I'm like, "What?"" "You quit after one day?" "Yeah." "But today wasn't a total loss." "On the way home, I got this." "An ice cube with a fly in it." "If that was in your drink you'd be like, "I'm not drinking that!"" "I stuck my neck out for you, and you screwed it up!" "We're not losers!" "No, you two are winners." "Big winners." "When I grow up, I wanna marry a big winner like you guys." "Shut up!" "* Doggies and kitties don't last forever *" "* But they do a lot better than fish *" "* Flush, flush, fish fish, fish, flush *" "It's healthy snack time!" "Is it?" "We've got sulphite-free grape juice and home-made organic, non-gluten fair-trade zucchini cupcakes!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "They don't rise by themselves so I was up all night blowing air bubbles into them with a straw." "Mmm!" "Delicious." "What percent milk-fat, unsalted butter did you use to grease the cupcake tray?" "None percent." "I used a non-stick pan." "Don't you know that non-stick pans are made with P.F.O.A.s?" "Oh, boy." "Here it comes." "There is only one thing more dangerous than P.F.O.A.s, Marge." "Plastics made with B.P.A." "Never ever let your child near any product with the number..." "Seven!" "Good lord!" "They've been sucking seven!" "Oh!" "All right, Andy." "It was not easy to get your job back." "You did me a solid, man." "And I promise you, I will not leave this job unless I flake, or it becomes bogus." "No, that's not good enough." "I want you to shake my hand as a fellow prankster and swear you will try your best." "Psych!" "Psych!" "We have a deal." "Marge?" "Sorry I'm late." "I was working overtime." "So we'd have extra money to buy fruit salad." "Honey, what are you doing?" "Nothing!" "Nothing!" "It's okay, you can tell me." "I found your stash." "You found the precious!" "I know, I know." "I've eaten your transfats your red dye number 2." "Even this." "Oh, Marge, I'm seeing a brand-new side of you." "Me." "More Lard Glug, my sweet?" "I never wanna stop." "Did you know that Lard Glug contains neither lard, nor glug?" "From now on we'll only make the kids eat healthy." "I can't believe Andy's lasted a week." "Yeah, to congratulate him, I got him the most grown up thing I can think of." "A Caesar's Salad." "Excuse me, I'm looking for Stage 6." "I've got a delivery for a Mr. Andy Hamilton." "Right over there." "Ah, thank you." "Louie, have you seen Andy?" "I think he's gonna ruin the show!" "Eh, he's about 20 seasons too late." "Now to dive in this pool of clear blue water." "Put me down!" "You're ruining the bit!" "No!" "I won't see you end up like Skinner." "Twisted and deranged." "Watch the Krusty Show, they tell me." "You'll forget your troubles, they tell me." "Uh, how much do you weigh?" "Oh, 180, maybe 190." "Plus I'm wearing about 30 pounds of pancake makeup." "And I'm always packing heat." "Plus the owner's manual for my Cadillac." "I wanted warm water, not worm water!" "What's going on?" "Krusty needed a bit." "And I got a great one." "Thanks to my new head writer, Andy Hamilton." "Bart, thank you for believing I could grow up." "My pranking days are over for good." "What's gotten into you, man?" "Andrew, I wanted to show you something in the makeout room-- uh, makeup room." "I'll be right there in a minute, babe." "Looks like I just bought some property on Boner Way." "So now Andy's a TV writer." "Loser." "* Loser, loser *" "Loser!"