"When I was born, I had a thousand legs" "Soon I'll be dancing on a different stage" "I'll go to sleep inside a silk cocoon" "And be reborn into the afternoon" "Good singing." "Really good shit." "We're not supposed to curse." "We're doing a play." "I'm just saying, it's good shit." "Deep down I know I have to turn the page" "But I wonder" "Will I miss my legs?" "I've never, ever been so proud." "Honey, there's Matty." "Oh, look at him." "Oh, he's a natural performer." "WOMAN:" "Oh." " Oh." "Shit." "I don't wanna sing anymore." "Watch this." " That's different." " Oh, no, no, no." "Come on." "Come on." "Let's get out of here." "Later, motherfuckers!" "We'll edit that out." "Still proud." "Whoo!" "Can't I just go see a nice musical without it turning into something gay?" "Hey, nothing illegal or unprotected tonight." "Promise?" " Dad, that's gross." " I'm talking about sex." "You wrap that rascal." "Make sure you put a condom on your penis." " Dad." " All right, bye, Dad." " That is a damn fine shirt you got on." " Yeah, you like it?" "Might get a girl pregnant with that shirt." "Well, I usually take my shirt off first but, you know." "If you meet some nice girls, party them hard." " I will." "See you." " All right, kiddo." "Go get them." "(OVER RADIO) We be the highest-ranking" "Super-stanking" "Filling up the bank With Benjamin Franklins" "(SCATTING)" "Watch me do my thing, the B-boy Batarang with the gold tooth swing" "I'm strange, But it ain't the same" "Propane in the game And I blow your brain" "Watch me swing and swing And hang, orangutan" "My-my beat's like a bangarang" "You got to move your feet And prove to me" "You got the beat, Reveal your inner freak" "Yeah." "A shake isn't a sauce, man." "Oh, no." "See, anything can be a sauce if you put it on something else." " Open up your mind." " Whatever, I'm not worried about it." "See, those are the kinds of girls we need to be going out with." "What would you say to that girl right there if she came up to you right now?" "Hi." "Hello." "You're terrific, appearance-wise... and I would like to take you out for a food or beverage situation." " Damn, that's smooth." " Mm-hm." " You been working on your game?" " Obviously." "It's apparent." "I've been going out with Ava eight months and feel like more of a virgin... than before we started dating, if it's possible." "Oh, it is." "You're like a super virgin." "You make other virgins look like huge sluts." "And so do you." "And we need to fix that, dude." "We are due." "We deserve adult, mature, grown-up sexual relationships." "Yes." " What toy did you get?" " I got Shelly the Crab." "Well, I got the punching crunching robot dudes." " Oh, no." " Take him out." "Hit him with the left." "Knock him out." "Knock him out." "Boom, boom, boom." " Ladies." "WOMAN:" "Dorks." "I like you a lot." "Um, especially your body and the hotness of that body." "You're a class act." "Potential wife material, if you were, like, 45 years old, all dried-up and shit." "And that's the problem." "This relationship's not progressing quickly enough..." " ...physically speaking." " Look at you and then look at me." "You know, you're beautiful, and I'm just kind of a mess." "Are you breaking up with me because I won't have sex with you?" "You call it sex, I call it a physical expression of our bond." "I haven't showered in six days." "Like Indians becoming blood brothers... or football teammates getting matching tattoos." "Except sex isn't as permanent as a tattoo." "It's, like, nine minutes, tops." "In and out, like a cat burglar." "It's just..." "That's what I am to you, a hole for you to go in and out of?" "No, no, no." "I value the person built around that hole." " What?" " I'm really sorry." "Ugh, okay." "I get it." " Are we okay?" "Yeah?" " Mm-hm." "Can I get a little hug going on here?" "(CHUCKLES)" "You can be a real asshole, you know that?" "I could get any fucking guy I want." "I am so much hotter than you." "Do you even fucking realize how hot I am?" "Whoa, whoa, not the gummy bears." "Why don't you go outside and chill out for a sec?" "Fuck you." "Why don't you guys fucking blow each other?" "It's the most action you're ever gonna get anyway." "How was your breakup?" "I can't believe we wasted so much time with them." "The high school chapter of our sexual lives is rapidly coming to a close." "We need to begin phase two." "We need to get our dicks wet by prom." "Hm." "I don't approve of that language." "I'm going crazy, dude." "Eighteen years of nothing." "I don't wanna wake up 20 years from now with regrets." ""Hey, buddy, sorry I didn't put you in more things."" " Oops." " Whoa, heh!" "Man." "That is a metric ton of weed." "Shit." "If we eat that whole brownie we're gonna immediately grow dreadlocks." "We should go to cooking school and learn how to make weed cuisine." "I'm talking, like, leg of lamb with, like, a weed reduction sauce or some shit." "Dude." "Oh, what?" "I have a genius idea." "We should save this brownie and eat it as a reward for getting laid at prom." "Okay." "So it's like our pot at the end of the rainbow?" "Except instead of a pot full of gold, it's a pot full of pot." " Yeah, I think that was implied." " I got it all planned out." "We go to prom, have sex, eat this brownie... be high for a week straight, then we go to college." "People will be like, "Those two guys are so awesome."" " "They're definitely not virgins."" " Yeah." "Then we move back here, we get, like, dead-end jobs... we retire and we fucking die." " Time it right, we make it a double funeral." " Oh, my God." "That's a great plan." "Yeah." " Isn't your dad gonna see this?" " He's a pussycat." "He'll love it." "And he's got a new girlfriend now, so he's a happy boy." "All right, man, um..." "I'm gonna head out, but I will see you tomorrow at band practice." " All right, dude." " All right." "Hey, you wanna go for a drive?" "Um, I was just gonna go to sleep after finishing this pair of tits." "No, eh, um, we should definitely go for a drive." " Yo, is something wrong, dude?" " No." "Just going for a drive." "(SIGHS)" "All right, listen, man." "All this talking we've been doing... like, about sex and the future and, like, the rest of our lives and all that shit... has got me feeling a little guilty." " Why?" " Look, you're my best friend." " You know that." " Heh." "And so, I owe this to you." "Yeah, man." "What is it?" "I'm a gay dude." "What?" "I'm a gay dude." "Like, I'm a gay?" "Like "gay" gay?" "Like, "dicks and butts" gay?" "Or like, "retarded" gay... like, "Man, Nicolas Cage movies are gay"?" "No, like, "I'm a dude who's attracted to other dudes" gay." " What?" "No, you're just a dude." " No, exactly." "A gay dude." "I mean, fuck, you're all out of shape and shit." "Oh, really?" "Yeah, no, dude, I fucking know." "Look, I'm not into curtains, I've never watched the Tonys." "I'm never gonna wear, like, a deep V-neck T-shirt, but I am gay." "When did you first realize this?" "Like, is this a recent development?" "No." "Fuck no." "You remember when we were kids, 6 or 7 years old... we used to give that guy sandwiches through the fence at school?" "Yeah, yeah." "That guy was a homeless guy." "Yeah, and I kind of had a crush on him." " You were gay for the homeless guy?" " He was ruggedly handsome." "You wanted to fuck a hobo when you were 7, that's what you're telling me?" "That's what I'm telling you." "I wanted to feel the touch of his dirty hobo hands." "This is crazy." "I mean, you've dated more girls than I have." "That's more of a you problem." "You tell Em?" "Did you tell her before you told me?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Look, dude, she's super cool." "I don't wanna fuck up her life with unnecessary falsehoods." "Wow, fuck." " You're a gay dude." " Yeah." " I'm a gay dude." " Are you sure?" "Know what?" "I'll think about it for another 18 years and I'll get back to you." " Yes, I'm sure." " All right." "Well, shit, the whole brownie thing's out the window." " No." " Probably wouldn't have broken up... with Ava without our whole big plan." "She's hot." "Yeah, and so out of your league." "Dude, have you seen her boobs and her stomach area?" "Like, her stomach is almost as hot as her boobs." "Right?" "Can you even wrap your brain around that?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I mean, it's a tight stomach." "I don't know what to tell you." "Like, it's nice." "No, no, no." "Dude, this is fine." "It's good." " I get it." "You like dicks now." " Yeah." "You are a man who aspires to handle the scrotums of other men in his free time." "Listen, I haven't got that far." "I don't really know how I feel about scrotums." "Look, all I know..." " ...is that this has to stay a secret." " Yeah." "I'm not ready for, like, the big gay coming-out shit." " Know what I mean?" " Sure." "Yeah." "And seriously, you can tell me, like, are we cool?" "Yeah, dude." "You're my best friend, man." "Everything's..." " it's cool, man." " Yeah?" "Hey, man, um, I know I dropped a big fat fucking gay bomb on you tonight." "I don't know if things ended right or whatever... but, uh, look, dude, I don't want shit to be awkward or weird, you know?" "Not that it would be." "But, um, you should give me a call when you get this." "(GRUNTS)" "Long awkward message." "(GRUNTS)" "Sorry." "Bye." "How do they know that dog is gay?" " Michael, you left your back..." " Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Oh, God." " ...pack in the..." " So hello, Dad." "(MEN MOANING ON COMPUTER)" "How are things?" "They're wonderful, son." "How are things with you?" "Well." "They're well, thank you." "Excellent." "I'm glad to hear that." " I'm just gonna set this down now." " Sure." "Cool." "Cool." "MAN (ON COMPUTER):" "Oh, yeah." "Fuck that cock." "Yeah." "Is there anything you'd like to talk to me about?" "Oh, no." "Nothing." "Nothing at all." "MAN:" "Choke on that horse dick." "Oh, yeah." "Michael, I want you to know there's nothing wrong..." " ...with what you're doing." " I'm not doing what you think." "It's a very natural urge at your age, a curiosity." "Or, you know, it could be more than that." "And if it is, I'm 100 percent okay with that too." "No, you don't have to be okay with anything because this is nothing." "Really." " Do you wanna talk about it?" " No." "Because this is just a bunch of research." "Nothing more." "Just non-sexual research." "MAN:" "I'm living in your asshole." "That asshole is where my dick lives." "Okay." "When you're ready and you wanna talk, I'm here." "I love you and nothing can change that." "Remember that." "I'm proud of you." "MAN:" "Oh, yeah." "I'm choking on your cum." "Thanks." "Uh, could you knock before coming in here in the future?" "Of course." "You stay strong." "(BELL RINGING)" "Um, if you need space, you can put some stuff in my locker." "Thanks." "There's so much shit in here." "My dad gave me his old cameras for photography class... what I didn't tell him is for my project..." "I'm actually gonna take pictures of these cameras using my phone." " That is so sad for those cameras." " Yeah, getting old sucks." " Hey, can I talk to you about something?" " Sure." "So Matty told me about the thing." "What thing?" "The thing, about the gayness in his "payness."" "I don't know why I said "payness." That was weird." "Yeah." "Well, good." "I'm glad he told you." "He needs people around him that he can open up to right now, people he can trust." " I can be that person." " That's good." "Should I get him a gift or something?" " Balloons or a cake?" " Balloons, probably not." "A cake." "You should get him a cake and you should have it say:" ""You're gay, you're fabulous."" " Really?" " No, heh." " Don't make him feel weird." " You're right." "Nothing has to change." " Are you okay?" " Definitely." "Definitely." "I'm not feeling weird about losing my best friend to the gay side." "All good." "Keep on trucking." "We're knuckleheads." "Take it to the bank, sister." "Think about that." "Matty, you're in a band, really?" "Oh, yeah, it's a instrumental TV theme song cover band." "But we don't wanna put a label on it." "Smart." "Don't let the man tell you who you are." "Ever think about adding the popular part of music, singing?" "Well, yeah." "Little tip." "It might help you in the audition." "Good to know." " Michael, you need a pen?" " No." " I'm with him." " Oh, are you really?" "Because you weren't yesterday at practice when we needed you." "I called you and everyone was like, "Where is Michael?"" " Can I just talk to you for a second?" " Sure." "I'll turn the volume up so we can talk without anyone hearing." "So you punched the brownie?" "That's not like you." "You love baked goods." "I'm not gonna lie to you, man." "You being gay all of a sudden, like, without warning, I was a little mad." "And confused." "But I thought about the whole thing." "I've really thought about it and, you know, it's cool." "Seriously, I even stayed up and fixed the brownie." "I did major structural repairs." "That's awesome, man." "Thanks." "It looks even better." "I frosted some dicks and butts on it in your honor." " Dicks and butts?" "You're a great friend." " I'm on board." "I wanna go on this gay journey with you." "You're my best friend." "Nothing has to change." "We're still..." "We're on a mission." "We need to get each other laid by prom." "We need to get these dicks wet, bro, or whatever you call it with gay guys." "Get shit on your dick?" "Get shitty-dicked?" "There's probably a better term for it." "So we're doing this, man." "I wanna get you laid." " You're in, right?" " I'm in." "There's a lot of fish in the sea." "Lady fish and dude fish." "Straight fish and gay fish." "(BELL RINGS)" " High school dudes are weird." " Yeah, not great." "Holy shit." "This is it." "The mother lode." "Oh, dude." "Theater kids?" "No, I don't think I should talk to them right now." "Put your ass out there if you wanna get something put in it." "I just came out." "I have to go talk to other gay people immediately?" "Dude, that's what friends do." "Friends wingman each other." "And I hate that word but it's what I'm gonna do to you whether you like it or not." "Not that I don't appreciate it." "It's just I think that..." "This is an American tradition." "Having sex by prom is a story told over and over again by our greatest writers." "Huck Finn, Moby Dick, Ulysses, The Iliad, they're all about having sex by prom." " No, I don't think they are." " But it feels like they are." "What about you, man?" "You're nowhere near having sex with anything anytime soon." "I'm pretty sure I can still hook it up with Ava." "Fuck." "That guy?" "Come on." "One of us is gonna make some progress today." "Reflections, the center of Glen Ellen's gay universe." "It's good to be back at a bar." "Did you know that this is one of my top five favorite bars?" "Yeah, it is." " Oh, thank you." " Cool, cool, cool." "The only bar in town that doesn't care how shitty our fake IDs are." "Dude, this is great." "Okay." "Well, no wonder they let us in." "Dude, this is bad." "This is really bad." "This is like a more depressing version of a regular bar." "That guy over there looks like he's having a great time." "Come on." "Come on." " Hey, guys." "How's it going?" " Hey, guys." "Are you guys new?" "You're probably new." "Everyone here is a regular." "I'd recognize you if you were new." "Yeah, yeah." "This is Matty." "I'm Michael." "He's gay, I'm not." " I'm Jared and I'm very gay." " Yeah, we noticed." "Do you guys go to Glen Ellen?" "It's cool." "I go to Valley Springs." "Go Panthers." "I feel like I know the scene there... and you guys seem like GHS kids." "Boo, Huskies." " Yeah, yeah, we go to Glen Ellen." " Awesome." "So do you wanna fuck later?" "(LAUGHS)" "Holy shit." "Dude, that guy is ready to fuck now." "What's wrong?" "He has a ring in his eyebrow and glitter on his everything." " So?" " He was too gay." "Don't be homophobic, bro." " Come on, now, what's your type?" " I don't think I have a type." "Of course you do." "What is it?" "Look, we should just chill out, like, have a beer, relax." " Can we do that, please?" " Yeah, yeah." " Hi, again." " Hey, Jared." "It's gonna be a no for the fucking." "Shh, gonna get some E. Want some E?" " You want some." " Don't want any ecstasy." "I'll get you some E and then we'll talk." " E for enthusiasm." " Yeah, certainly." " This is useless." " You're super lucky." "Look, when you're gay, you get nonstop sex all the time... no strings attached." "It's amazing." "I'm not gonna just have sex with anyone because I'm gay." " I'm gay, I'm not a whore." " I'm back with your ecstasy, boys." "We were very specific." "We don't want it." "Have you even tried it before?" "Oh, my God." " You're really good at dancing." " I don't think I'm dancing." "Jared, get out of here." "Leave those guys alone." "Mr. Vernon, you're here?" "Yeah, so are you." "We're all here." "Chris, you remember Michael and Matty from school?" " Hey, guys." " Mr. Dennis." " You used to be in my fourth period." " You gave me a C." "So you're not gonna talk about this to anyone?" "Oh, no, no." "Of course not." "I think it would be a good idea if you guys went home." "I can't really talk to you while you're underage drinking." " Of course." " Yeah." "And it'd be nice to keep this quiet on both ends, if that makes sense." " Totally understand." " Yeah." "I really look forward to not making eye contact with you tomorrow at school." "Dude, Mr. Vernon." "I had no idea." "Yeah, and Mr. Dennis?" "You think they've done it at school?" "Come on, man." "By the way, I appreciate the sentiment." "But this is the worst and only gay bar I've ever been to." "(CAR HORN HONKS)" " Oh, fuck." " What the F?" " Oh, fuck a duck." " Oh, shit." "What were you doing?" "I'm driving, man." "Not my fault you drive the smallest car in the universe." "What is that?" "Is that like a Diet Kia?" "You could have injured us." "You even care?" "You just said "could have."" "You've officially acknowledged that no harm has been done." "Okay." "This thing is trashed." "I'm gonna need a new thing." "Look at this." "Now, this is the time when we get our insurance information." "Um, uh, uh, uh." "No." "I'm gonna go ahead and leave now, okay?" " Dude." " What the fuck?" "Come on." "Hey!" "Hey, stop." "Yeah, you're not gonna run me over." " Be cool." " He just wants to talk." "Chill, man." "I'm totally chill." "Super chill." "I'm very cool." " You smell like an old tent." " What's wrong with you?" "I have a Baconator and I wanna get home and eat it." "The fuck's a Baconator?" "It's a really delicious sandwich from Wendy's." "Dude, just give me your information." " Mike, we should call the cops." " We can't call the cops." "We're underage and we had a bunch of beers." " Did you just...?" "Did you push me?" " Maybe." "Okay, then it's gonna be go time." " Which is..." "It's okay, it's just..." " Oh, shit." " What was that, dude?" "You tripped me?" " Heh, yeah, I did." "You tripped me?" "Who the fuck trips people?" "I do." "I took a vow recently that I would stop punching people." "Because I was doing that too much." "I'm trying to be less violent in general." "So okay." " He did trip you, like, really well." " I know, dude." "But whose side are you on?" "(ROCK BAND PLAYS THEME SONG TO I DREAM OF JEANNIE)" " All right." " Ha, ha." "Dude, that was actually pretty dope." "I think we're ready." "That's the audition song." "Yeah, yeah." "Well, Mike... we've actually been having some discussions..." " ...about the direction of the band." " What's that mean?" "Well, we've been talking." "And we think it's about time we add some songs with vocals to the set list." "Like Cheers and Charles in Charge." "Saved by the Bell." "Saved by the Bell:" "College Years." "Yeah, the list goes on and on." "And more importantly, Mr. Vernon told me:" ""You're not playing prom unless you have a singer."" "Yeah, well, that's not what we are." "That's not what we do." "So..." " I mean, who would even sing?" " You would." "What?" "No, I can't." "You have a beautiful voice." "You were the star of that musical in third grade." "Thank you." "But no." "No, no way." "I mean, I'm not gonna sing in front of people." "Why do we have to change up things?" "Everything's fine the way it is right now." "(DOOR CLOSES)" " Hey, fags." " Shit, it's your brother." " Time's up." "Get out of the garage." " It's not 5:00 yet, Lars." "Yeah, well, we're starting early." "Got to nail down this Daughtry medley." "Oh, that's a medley?" "I thought that was one incredibly long, incredibly shitty song." "Nice try, Matty." "But you can't rile me up." "We're so focused and tight right now." " Me, Brandon and Chad." " I'm Mark." "You're 30 and you play with high school kids." "And our band rules." "Now get the fuck out of the garage so we can practice." " Fine." " Come on." "I wanna show you my lizards." "All right, Mikey." "I have compiled a list of songs that have vocals." "I want you to learn the lyrics." "And next time we're in here, we'll rock them out." "Okay, so this club is called Club Monsoon." "And it looks like it's on the Eastside." "Am I gonna end up with a glow stick up my ass?" "Yes, but the man holding that glow stick just might be your future husband." " Hello, welcome to Club Monsoon." " Hey." " For two?" " Yeah." "Glow sticks." "Do you think these guys know they're living a cliché?" "How are you supposed to meet anybody?" "I think you just dance with them until their dick accidentally slips inside of you." "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON RECORDS)" "All right." "Excuse me." "Sir, a little bit of space, a little bit more space." "Okay." "Okay, all right." "My fault for being here." "Two mojitos, please." " Can we hit that?" " It's not what you think it is." " That isn't some of that dank Kush?" " No, it's salvia." "It gives you the best dream of your life for 15 minutes, and then it's over." " Is it safe?" " Well, it's legal." "Whoa, you guys got to be in your underwear to be in the foam room." "No shirt, no shoes, no pants." "That's our policy." "Shirt?" "I'm not even wearing a face." "Woo-hoo!" "Above and beyond, gentlemen." "(DJ PLAYING TECHNO MUSIC)" "It's a waterfall!" "This is the best waterfall I've ever seen!" "Yeah!" "You guys are such good dancers." "Music is shooting out of his body." "It's magical." "What if there was no clocks ever?" "What would you do?" "What would you do?" "If there was no clocks, no time." " Build a clock." " Uh-huh." " Jared!" " Jared!" " Okay." " Somebody's not wearing panties tonight." "(ALL LAUGHING AND CHEERING)" "This is the best night of my life!" "It was fun." "It was fun, right?" "Not too bad." "Not bad at all." "Just hanging out in there, just doing stuff." " Not different from what we usually do." " What are you talking about?" "We were dancing naked with a bunch of dudes in a room full of foam." "Like that one time when I made us take tango lessons..." " ...because it'd help us meet girls." " It's not." "This is different." "Different than anything we've ever done in our lives, ever." "Well, at least, you know, we're still doing it together." "Yeah, but, dude, is this my future?" "A bunch of trips to Club Monsoon?" "Is that so bad?" "They had, like, cool furniture and lights and stuff." " It was like Europe in there." " Not all of Europe is gay." "Whatever." "Dude, the important thing is we're still friends." "We've got the brownie, all that stuff." "Everything is better with lasers and smoke machines." "You love lasers and smoke." "That was a paradise for you." "Am I wrong?" "I know you." "I know you better than anyone." "Dude, it was amazing." "It was like Europe." "It was also in the future, and also, it's a horror movie." " What are you doing?" " I got locked out of my house." "Can I come in?" "She was just texting on her phone throughout the entire movie." "And I was so mad I was just throwing popcorn in her face without realizing it." "You haven't been listening to anything I'm saying, have you?" " No, yeah, I am." " Wait a minute." "Are you high?" " No." " You totally are." "I can tell." "You're never this quiet for this long." "Yeah." "I smoked salvia tonight." "Holy shit." "Was it awesome?" " No." " You seem kind of traumatized." "It's okay." "You don't have to tell me about it right now." "You can tell me about it whenever you want, really." "You can talk to me about anything, whenever you want." " You're patting me on the head like a dog." " I am doing that." "Heh, I'm sorry." "Wait." "You are drunk." " Heh, yeah." " I knew it." " You're all chatty and shit." " I killed a bunch of my dad's bourbon." " Nice." " And then you came over." "And now we're here, with cheese and bread." "You, me, cheese, bread, here." "(BOTH CHUCKLE)" "Life sucks." "Yeah, life sucks." "But I guess sometimes it doesn't." "Wait, wait, wait." "What are we doing?" "I don't know." "What are you doing?" "I don't know." " What are you doing?" " Oh, hey." "Uh..." " I should go, heh." " Yeah, heh, you should." "Yeah." "My clothes are over there." "So can you turn around?" "Okay." "Should we talk about what happened last night?" "We were fucked up." "We are, in general, fucked up." "If it had to be with a girl, I'm glad it was with you." "Thank you?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Yeah." "Bye." "Reading?" "I love books." "Books are like word movies." " What do you want, Michael?" " Nothing, just two friends hanging out." " Talking, swapping stories." " You just spit on me." "Did I?" "Sorry, that happens when I start talking too fast." "I think some of it got in my mouth." " Do you wanna go to prom with me?" " What?" "No." "Okay." "I know I dumped you and that was probably painful... but I realized that was a mistake and I think we can get past that." " I'm going with Anthony." " Really?" "Or Lucas or Damien." "You know, there's a lot of balls in the air right now, so..." " There are?" "What happened?" " I'm dating around." "Dating around?" "You don't..." "You don't date around..." "That's not..." "You were..." "You know, you were..." " We didn't even get past third base." " We never got past second." "It's an imprecise metaphorical system." "It's open to interpretation." " You just spit on me again." " Sorry." " I have to go." "I'm late for color guard." " You can't guard colors." "It's a stupid name." "It should be called flag spinning." "Hey, welcome to Catch a Burger." "Those are sweet cargo shorts." " Thanks." " May I take your order?" "I'm Pete." "Yes, I would like a Bacon Symphony and a large order of fries." " Okay, 5.66." " Here you go." "And can I give your change to the Catch a Burger Courageous Kids Program?" " No, thank you." "I'll just take the change." " I guess you can't afford the 34 cents." "Or you wanted to put it to better use than Courageous Kids." "I mean..." "Yeah, you know what?" "I'll give my money to the kids' program." "Sure." "For $2, I can make you a Catch a Burger Courageous Kids Ambassador." "Thank you, but I'd just like to eat my food." "Yeah, yeah." " Hey, do you have parents?" " Yeah." "Everyone has parents." "Not the Catch a Burger Courageous Kids." "They're orphans, man." " That's what makes them so courageous." " $2?" " It's $2." " Yeah, I have $2." "Thanks so much." "Just put it in the box." " Fill out one of those guys for me." " Can I order while he's doing this?" " Yeah, yeah." " Okay." "You know what would be really cool?" "If you'd do what he's doing preemptively." "It's 2 bucks, really help a lot of kids." " I haven't ordered." " Big man is doing it... and he looks like he has fucking no money." " Okay." "Let's do it." "Yeah." " Thanks, bro." " I met you at the place before." " Yes, I struck you with my truck." " Hey, do you guys have little brothers?" " Um, I have an older brother." "No, I'm talking about the Big Brother program." "You're the right age." "I've done it for three years." "And it has been the best experience of my whole life." "Really changed me, you know?" "I gotta tell you about my brother, Pirom." "He's from Cambodia." "Came over here on a boat when he was a baby." "He lost his father when he was 2." "(SCOFFS)" "Now he plays the fucking cello, man." "Heh, imagine that." "That guy's incredible." "That guy's like a drug dealer for the concept of charity." "Um, I think I owe you an apology for my behavior the other night." "I was not in a good place." "Um, I'd just taken my dog to the vet because he ate an entire soccer ball." " Oh, man." " Yeah." "Well, I'm sorry too." "My buddy gets really nervous sometimes." " Or all the time." " Well, I'm very intimidating." "Yeah, I'm the toughest guy you're even gonna meet outside Reflections." "Okay?" "Right here." "All right." "You, uh, you like that place?" "You like that scene?" "Um, it was interesting." "Yeah, it was my first time there, so..." "Is that a place that you often, uh, are around or, uh, inside of?" "Not much on ambience." "But they do have this one incredible craft beer that you gotta try." "It's not to be missed." "It's called Bud Light." "It's so good." " I'm Greg." " I'm Matty." "Nice to meet you." " Nice to meet you." "PETE:" "Let me tell you about Pirom." "(PHONE RINGS)" " He came over on a boat..." " Do you wanna watch this one more time?" " Yes." " Okay." "Em." "Em." "Hey." " Can you do me a huge favor?" " What?" "I need a ride." "Well, thanks for driving me to the shop." "Heh, no problem." "I got in an accident the day I got my license... and my parents totally freaked out so I know what it's like." " How many accidents have you been in?" " Like, five or six." "Wait, seriously?" "Should I be driving with you?" "Oh, shit, I got a text." "Hold on." "Whoa, whoa, no, no, no." "(LAUGHING)" "I'm kidding." "I've only been in four." " You have nothing to worry about, heh..." " Watch the road, please." "Wow." " Hey, have you talked to Matty recently?" " No." "He's been acting really weird." " Really?" " Yeah." "I mean, I know it's not an easy time, but, um, I don't know." "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "No English?" "Can you...?" "The bumper, bumpero is no good." "It needs changing." "Come back." "You can't just do this." "My bumper's messed up." " Does anyone here speak English?" "EM:" "What's going on?" "I'm screwed." "No one here speaks any English and..." "So you're just gonna drive around with a big old red bumper... on your little periwinkle car?" "It's gun metal and it might not be so bad if I drive at night." "No, they messed up your car." "That's unacceptable." "Excuse me." "(IN SPANISH)" "You don't have to, uh..." "Don't yell at him." "Heh, thank you." "(ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)" "This shit is so much better than that American shit." "These guys are Mexican." "They are hardcore." " Oh, who's this guy?" " Oh, yeah, that is the Super Gato." "GREG:" "He's like a man-cat thing." "MATTY:" "Shit." "When he beats somebody, he pours milk on him... and then he, like, licks it off." "He calls it "licking the leche."" " No, I'm not into that." " It's not okay." "That's weird." " What about this gentleman right here?" " Yeah!" "Yeah!" "That's El Scientifico Loco, it's the mad scientist." "He's my favorite." "He's like the Mexican version of Stephen Hawking." "And he rolls around in his little chair, acting like a bitch." "And then he gets bullied and just rises up and regulates." "It's awesome." "Dude, how are you a gay guy?" "I don't know." "I just am." " How are you a gay guy?" " I don't know, man." "(ALL CHEERING)" "(BOOING)" " This is fun." "Like, it's a good time." " Yeah." "I enjoy hanging out with you, man." "You know, you're like a good friend-type dude, person thing." "Thank you, man." "(BOTH LAUGH)" "Yes." "Um, yeah, it's easy to get a quick lay... but the friendship part is hard to come by." " Yeah!" "Yeah, that's it." " Fuck him up!" "Oh, shit." " Fuck, yeah!" " Fuck you, cat!" "Here comes the robot voice." " What?" " Here comes the robot voice." "Hold on." "And... (SPEAKS SPANISH IN ROBOTIC VOICE)" "Yeah!" "(ALL APPLAUDING)" "Yes, you are el campeón." "Yeah, you are el campeón." " Oh, shit." " Bring it in right here." "Okay, yeah." "I shouldn't have had a drink." "I shouldn't have had a drink." "Yeah, okay." " Meet me in the parking lot." " Yeah, yeah." "You got it, man." " Hey, Dad." " Hey." " Whoa, what is that?" " That is your mom's anniversary gift." "Another reminder that I got life by the balls." " Check it out." " Is that one of those rotisserie grills?" "No, it is the Ronco Showtime Rotisserie." "I nailed it." "She is gonna love it." "You know why?" "Women love kitchen stuff." "I mean, as much as we like to deny it in this PC day and age, it's true." "Men like cars, men like trucks." "This, it's like a truck to her." "Oh, I thought I heard voices." "Oh, my God." " No, you did not." " Oh, I did." " Is that the Ronco Showtime?" " Yes, ma'am." " Set it and forget it?" " Set it and forget it." "Ha, ha, oh, my God." "Daddy, you are so thoughtful." "Come here." "Ha, ha, oh, I am gonna make the best chicken for you." "The skin is gonna be so crispy." " Oh, I love crispy skin." " It is going to be crispiest skin." "Chicky, chicky, chicky." "Oh, my gosh, I'm just so excited." "I'm gonna go print out my Internet recipes." " All right." " Oh, Matty, your father is something else." "Okay." "(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)" " Hey, Matty." "What have you been up to?" " What are you talking about?" "Last couple days I haven't seen you." "What you been doing?" "Nothing." "Just, like, hanging out at home and stuff." " Why are you being so weird?" " I'm not being weird." "You have an intense, crazy guy look in your eyes right now." "No, I don't." "All right, I'll see you at practice." "I got to run." " Where do you have to run?" " I'm gonna assume you're joking now." "You're hilarious." "(MAN PLAYING GUITAR)" " And then: boom, boom." " Yeah." " You're late." " Yeah." "Sorry, guys." "You pumped to sing?" "Actually, I might still need more time." "We don't have very much time." "The audition's in a few days." " I'm having trouble with these lyrics." " Dude, it's the Golden Girls theme song." "Everyone knows the lyrics of that." "That shit's iconic." " Ready, Josh?" " Yeah." "Let's go." "(PLAYING GOLDEN GIRLS THEME)" "Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba" "Thank you for being a friend" "Sing a little louder, Mike." "Travel down the road" " Can't hear you." " Can't hear shit." "Dude, let's just sing." " Come on, Mike." " No, man." "No, no, no." "Stop." "Stop." "Stop." "Look, this is not what we are." "We are an instrumental TV theme song cover band." " Yeah." "We were, until now." " I wanna play prom, Michael." "I wanna play this song and I wanna fuck some chicks." "My fucking is directly linked to your singing." "Let's do what we usually do." "Look, there's no way we're gonna win if we don't do the Golden Girls theme song." " We're all in agreement?" " Fucking A." " Yeah." "MATTY:" "There you go." "Maybe then we just shouldn't do it at all." "What are you...?" "You seriously doing this right now?" "Yep." "You can't force me to sing." "I'm not a singer." " Jesus, man." "Grow some fucking balls." " I am." "These are my balls." "Me leaving." "Those are my balls." "Then I wouldn't sing and we're not even gonna audition now and it just sucks." "You had a vision." "You stuck to your guns." "My entire life is shit." " You know I asked Ava to prom?" " No." " Yep." "Yep." " No." " She is no longer interested, Michael." " I know." "I never should have broken up with her." "She's got the face of an angel." "The body of an angel." "She is like an angel that you really wanna have sex with." "Yeah, I wouldn't feel that bad." "She's not really an angel." "Yeah, she is." "I'm gonna tell you something because I want you to feel like... you can just really get over her." " Okay?" " Okay" "Ava was hooking up with Anthony before you broke up with her." " What?" " She was cheating on you." "Damn it." "Damn it." "Well, at least she's super uptight... and, you know, she won't let anyone get past second base." "Yeah, she wasn't that uptight with Anthony." "What?" "Did she have sex with him?" "I'm sorry." "No." "Thanks for telling me." "They also had anal sex." " What?" " No, I'm just kidding." "I just thought that would make you feel better about the regular sex thing." "(SIGHS)" " That actually kind of worked." " You're welcome." "Yeah." "I'm never gonna touch another girl again." " Here we go." " I am so mediocre." "You're not that mediocre." "Heh, you're gonna be fine." "Ava is my friend, I think." "But even when you guys were going out, I don't think she ever really appreciated... what she had with you... as much as someone who you deserve even better, I think." " Thank you." " I mean it." "You want to go for a drive?" "Okay." "I can't believe we go to the same place." "What do you mean?" "I've been going there since I was a kid." "Well, it's just boys go to barbers and girls go to, like, stylists." " Really?" " Isn't that...?" "That's how barbering works." "What?" "Does my hair really look that bad?" "No." "It looks great." "It's, like, lustrous." "It's like a horse's mane." " In a good way." "Yeah." " Thanks." "No, I just didn't know that Giovanni had this ability." "He's, like, 100 years old." "Giovanni is the best and I'm proud to be his only female client." "Okay?" "So here, imaginary cheers to Giovanni, clink." "To Giovanni." "(CHUCKLING)" "He's here." "What?" " What are you doing?" " What are you doing?" "Making out with a dude." "What does it look like?" "But why do you have to do gay stuff with the asshole who hit my car?" "He's actually a really good guy." "That was a really rough night for me, I'm sorry." "And what are you doing here with my ex-girlfriend?" "That's weird." " Hi." " Hey, I'm Greg." " I'm Em." " Not a thing." "We're just having..." "We're just..." "We're having a chitchat here." "Two friends talking?" "What's the big deal?" "And what does it even matter if you're gay anyway?" " Um, it's the principle." " This why you're avoiding me?" "You've been hanging out a lot with, uh, Gay-ass Greg?" "Yeah, maybe not Gay-ass Greg." "Maybe just Gay Greg or even Greg." "Um, yeah, dude, actually we have been hanging out quite a bit." "To be 100 percent honest, you've been so fucking weird about all this shit... that I don't know if I wanna hang out with you 24/7 anymore." "Look, man, deal with your own shit for once." "Take control of your life and stop focusing so much on mine." "I'm starting to miss straight Matty." "Straight Matty never would have snuck around behind my back." "Wake up." "I was never straight." "I don't need this pressure from you, man." "Like, I don't need to get laid by prom or any of that shit." " What about the brownie?" " I don't wanna eat your shitty brownie." "Don't talk about the brownie like that." "Bro, seriously, chill out about the brownie." "(SINGING) I'm not Superman I'm not Spiderman" "I'm just trying to be the best I can" "So let me be a hero for your heart." "You're the only one for me You lift me up, you set me free" "I'll never leave you standing all alone" "MAN:" "Moments of Memory forever!" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Yeah?" "Uh, I got a new DVD in the mail today." "A TV show called The L Word." "I thought maybe we could watch it together." "Uh, yeah, maybe later." "I'm gonna go skate right now." "I have some stuff to think about." "All right, let me know if you ever wanna talk more." "Or if you wanna talk less." "I don't wanna smother you." " You're not." " Well, good." "I know life seems complicated sometimes, but I usually find it gets simpler... if you just focus on the things that have always made you happy." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Yo." "Yeah." "MATTY:" "Hey, man." "MICHAEL:" "Thanks for coming." "Of course, man." "MATTY:" "What's up?" "What made you think of coming here?" "MICHAEL:" "Go-karts." "We love go-karts." " True." "I always find that things get simpler if you just focus on the things... that have always made you happy." "Oh, cool." "Cool." "When was the last time we came here?" "Like, uh, six years ago?" " Yeah." " What did the guy say?" "Kicked us out and he said something." " "What did I tell you about bumping?"" " Heh." "No bumping, man!"" ""If you come back here, I'm gonna call the cops!"" " (WHISPERING) It's the same guy." " Oh, heh." "You'd think he would have moved on by now." "MATTY:" "You think he remembers us?" "MICHAEL:" "No way, dude." "We were 12 when he last saw us." "Hey." "Two, please." "Go sit in there." "Starting the safety instruction seminar." "So, what exactly can you do to avoid being brutally mutilated... on the racetrack today?" "That's a dark way to start the session." "I've seen these things crush people's feet." "I've seen them tear off people's fingers." "Once saw a little girl get her hair stuck in the motor." "(SCREAMING AND GRUNTING)" "Bye-bye, scalp." "Does it have to do with bumping?" "No bumping." "Bumping is a one-way ticket to injury land, U.S.A." "And if the carts don't injure you, I will." "I will come out there and punch you in the face... so you don't injure any of our other drivers." "That's how much I care about the rest." "Wait, wait, wait." "Let me get this straight." " We should or we shouldn't bump?" " Looks like we got ourselves a comedian." "Well, let me ask you this, Mr. Comedian." "Is this hilarious?" " It's kind of funny." " Go-kart accident!" "Stuttgart, Germany, 2007." "Doesn't even look like a real leg." "It's not real." "It's a mock-up that I made because no one took photos that day." " Makes sense." " You bump once, I kick you the F out." "You bump twice, what happens?" "Trick question." "You can't bump twice... because if you bump once I've already kicked your ass out... and you're at home sitting on your couch alone... watching the Food Network, wishing you hadn't bumped." "Whoo!" "Hey!" "Keep your hands on the wheel!" "(SCREAMS)" "Put your legs back in the cart!" "This is your last warning." " Get over here!" " Why, hello, old friend." "Would you like to partake in some light bumping?" "I would say that we should definitely do that." "Okay, then." "We should bump." "Gonna bump the shit out of you!" "You're done, bro!" "No bumping!" "No bumping!" "(LAUGHS)" "I remember you motherfuckers." "You bumped more than anyone, I told you never to come back." "You're dead!" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "(BOTH PANTING)" " Why didn't we run to our cars?" " I don't know." "I just panicked." " Yeah, me too." "He was fucking pissed." " Yeah." "He was more pissed than I've ever seen him before." " I don't think we can go back for 10 years." " No way." "Dude, I'm sorry about saying all that..." "Like, all that stuff wishing you were straight and all that." "Oh, it's okay, man." "I'm sorry that I said your brownie was shitty." "Oh, no." "I know that." "It's not." "It's amazing." "So..." " Yeah." " It's actually still in the freezer... by the way." "You think this Greg guy is the one?" " He could be your brownie guy." " Man, I don't know." " Have you touched his balls yet?" " Come on." " You like balls." "You're a ball guy." " I never said that." " You said that." " I think you made that up, actually." " Yeah, yeah." "I did do that." " Yeah." "What about you, man?" "What do you got going on?" "Me?" "I got..." "I actually got someone I'm thinking about." "Nice." "Are you...?" "You're not...?" "You're over Em, right?" "You're..." "I mean..." " Dude." " What?" " Seriously?" " What?" "You're seriously gonna do this?" "You're gonna call dibs after you've broken up... and you're not into persons with her sexual organs?" "No, I'm not calling dibs." "I mean, I just..." "Like, I feel like it's weird, you know?" " Tell me it's not weird." " It's not weird." " It's not weird." " I think it's a little weird." " All right." " I'm gonna go." "I'm meeting up with Greg..." " ...but this was super fun." " Good to see you, man." " Great to see you, man." " Well, what if I call dibs on Greg?" " That makes no sense." " No." "I'll see you later, brother." "All right." "Actually, I'm parked over there too." " Yeah, that's happening." " So she's not an angel." " Okay." "Let's go." " Yep." " Thanks for hanging out with me..." " Heh." "...and dealing with my shit recently." " It's been fun." " Yeah, it's been fun for me too." "Why is this the only spot that people drive up to?" "Because it's Glen Ellen." "This abandoned construction lot is the most romantic place in town." "So you brought us here because it's romantic?" "Oh, yes, I did." "I did." "Those beautiful Porta-Potties and the broken glass... and used condoms really just get me right in the mood." "Heh, that's good." "Wait, Michael, I need to tell you something." "What?" "After Matty and I broke up, we hooked up one more time." "When?" "After you guys went to that club." "And we..." "We had sex." " What?" " Yeah." " You what?" "You, what...?" " Yeah." "Heh, I know." "I was drunk and we both had really weird nights." " How can that happen?" " It just did." "Wha...?" "He's gay." "He's gay." "Well, you're not the only one in the world with confused feelings, Michael." "I'm not..." "I'm not confused." "I definitely wouldn't have sex with a gay guy." " Okay, now you're just being an asshole." " You're an asshole." " I can't do this." " Michael." "Michael." "Shit." " Oh, hey, Michael." " Oh, is Matty home?" "Yeah, he sure is." "We're just getting ready to sit down to dinner." "You wanna join us?" "Yes, I would." "Okay, great." "Well, come on in." "What you got there?" "This is a private thing." "Oh, mmm." "LARS:" "Mom, this chicken's incredible." "The skin is so, like..." " Crispy?" " Crispy." "Right, you're damned right it is." "That is the Ronco Showtime Rotisserie doing its thing." " It's just fucking great." " Lars, language, please." " Oh, this is a great meal." " Heh." "And all because of a great gift." " (BOTH MOUTHING) Are you okay?" " I hate you." "Why don't we thank your mother by saying our favorite part of the meal?" "I'll go first." "The chicken, but more specifically, the skin." " How did I know you were gonna say that?" " Lars?" " Skin." " Ha, ha." " Matty?" " Oh, yeah, skin." "Pat?" "(CHUCKLES)" " Michael?" " My favorite part of this meal... is how Matty fucked a girl..." "LARS:" "Ha, ha." "PAT:" "Michael, language." "Well, that's not really the answer to the question." "I am kind of curious." "Is that true, Matty?" "I'm sorry, can I, uh, be excused to speak with Michael in the other room?" " Well, we are having a family dinner." " Why don't you let them talk it out?" "(WHISPERS) Dwayne." "Dwayne, ask him." " (BOTH WHISPERING) What the fuck?" " You had sex with Em." " So what?" " So I like her a lot." " She was my girlfriend." " You're gay." "Shh, shut up." "You don't deserve her." "You don't deserve any girl." "Why did you do that?" "Why are you even at my house?" "What the fuck are you doing here?" "You're gay." "I need you to shut up for the rest of dinner." "Can you do that for me?" "What?" "You don't like that movie?" "MATTY:" "I don't believe it." "DWAYNE:" "When you're married..." " Hi, Matty." " Hello." "Welcome back." "Okay, boys." "Family meal." "Anything going on with you two?" "Yeah, a lot, actually." "Today was a crazy day at PacSun." "We got these huge new shipments in." "I had tons and tons of board shorts, so I took a look at the different styles." "And I said to Laurie, I said, "Laurie..."" "I will sell all of these laced-up board shorts today." ""Not this week, today."" "And she was like, "Yeah, right, Lars." "No way."" "And by the end of the day, get this, Dad, I sold all of the lace-ups... and some of the non lace-ups." "So I was like, "Suck it, Laurie."" "(ALL LAUGH)" "PAT:" "Don't say "suck it." But fantastic." "MAN:" "Great work, son." "Ambitious, just like your dad." "LARS:" "I got something else that I really want to share with you guys." "First off, I wanna thank you for keeping me so humble on this journey." "I know it's been tough, but something really great happened to me today." "(MOUTHS) You are an asshole." "I just found out my band, we're playing the prom." " Matty's gay." " That is great." "Congratulations." " Daddy?" " Wait." "What did you say?" " Nothing." " Matty's gay." " Shut the fuck up." "PAT:" "Language, mind..." " What is he talking about?" " You have a gay son." " Oh, language." " Gay is not a bad word." "Debatable." "Everyone just cut the bullshit." "What is going on?" "It's a milestone in my musical career, Dad, is what's going on." " Matthew." " Matty, is this true?" " No." " Matthew, answer your mother." " I said no." " He's not gay." "No." "Why don't you excuse yourself to your room and I will meet you there?" " Michael, this dinner is over right now." " Fine." " Seriously?" "DWAYNE:" "You heard me." "It's gonna be awesome." "I know it's the prom but I think I can get you two in." "MAN:" "One, two, three, four!" "(CELL PHONE CHIMES)" " Did you out Matty to his parents?" " Hold on." " Did you tell them that he's gay?" " It's complicated." "Did you think for a second about what that meant to him?" " Let me explain." " Any idea what's happening to him?" " Wait." " He was your best friend, Michael." "Your best friend." "You are a terrible person." "(SIGHS)" "Oh!" "Damn, dude." "This looks good, right?" " It is perfect." "I think we're good to go." " Cool." "(CELL PHONE RINGS)" "This is totally not my business, but I thought you really liked that guy." "Yeah, I just can't do that anymore." "Him specifically or...?" "Just all of it." "Matthew, we found the most darling cuff links." "They're little pigs." " Why would I want those, Mom?" " I'm sorry, I gave you the wrong jacket." "Let me get you the right one." "Well, get this off." "It's two sizes too small." "Silly, heh." "There we go." "Uh-oh." "Yes, yes, yes." "Now you look good enough to eat." "(BOTH CHUCKLE)" "Yes, heh." "Very handsome." "Oh, Matthew." "This reminds me of your dad when we went to our prom." "You went to the prom with your husband and you're still together?" " We sure are, 32 years." " Congratulations." "I wish I could say the same, but old Linda is still playing the field." "That's okay." "It's fun being single." "Live it up." "Thirty-two years?" "Wow, maybe you can give me some advice." "I'm dating a Colombian man." "We have very little in common." "We hardly understand each other... but the sex is really amazing." "He's only willing to see me on Tuesdays." "Now, what is that about?" " It might be a, uh, cultural thing?" " Well, then there's Gene." "Gene's very bright, he's got a skin condition... but that's not a deal-breaker for me." "And the sex is ridiculous." " What do I do?" " High school prom, we're getting fitted for." "And then there's Claude." "He's 5'6", he owns a sailboat and he's my mailman." "The sex is amazing, but only on the sailboat." "You know, when it's rocky?" "But I think that's because Claude is a little lazy." "What do I do?" "I'm not even really sure what we're talking about." "You're not kidding." "Relationships are hard." "They are complicated." "Although you two kids seem to have it figured out, right?" " You look so cute together." " Yes, we do." "We got it all figured out." "Oh, hello." "I gotta go help this hot number." "Wish me luck." "Welcome." "She is a live wire, heh." "But she's right." "You two kids make the most adorable couple, heh." "Matthew, look at you." "You're going to the prom with the most beautiful girl." "Yes." "Beautiful girl, prom, we're doing it." "(CHEERS)" "I have to go to the bathroom." "Matthew." " Is anything the matter?" " No." "Okay, well, you know that you can always come to me to talk, right?" " About anything." "Anything at all." " Yeah." " You tell me, okay?" " Everything's great, Mom." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Michael, I don't wanna tell you how to live your life, but it's 4 p.m." "You haven't left the house except to go to school for days." "Okay." "This time I'm not taking no for an answer, mister." "Sit up." "You look at me and you talk to me." "Now." "What's wrong?" "It's just... why can't things stay the same?" "Do you remember when your mom and I split up?" " Yeah." " What happened?" "You cried and built a lot of birdhouses." "And then what happened?" "You took me to Disney World for two weeks... and even I thought it was too long." "And then what happened?" "You became friends with Mom again." " And why do you think we did that?" " For me?" "No." "We did it because we loved each other very much, and that's a rare thing." "History is a powerful thing, Michael." "Home is a powerful thing." "No more sleeping until 4." "(POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)" "What's up, daddy longlegs?" "What are you doing here?" "I just needed a drink and, uh, I knew this place would let me in." "I hear that." " Are you crying, man?" " No, dude, but close." "How are things with you and Matty?" "Yeah, uh..." "Matty is not answering my calls as of late." "What?" "Why?" "I mean, I get it." "It's not easy to come out of the closet and then stay there, you know?" "When I came out, my best friend... he basically disowned me." "And he was a water polo player." "It's the faggiest sport there is." "I mean, those guys, they wax their assholes." "When I came out, my best friend stopped sharing sodas with me... stopped giving me rides to school, de-friended me on Facebook... and then moved to Germany." "The moving part was unrelated to me coming out." "He claims." "Yeah, I don't wanna be one of those guys." "I've been just a huge jerk." " Have you talked to Matty?" " I tried to, he won't talk to me." "Maybe you need to try a little harder." "Find out where he's gonna be." "You need to corner him and make him hear what you have to say." "Boom." "(POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)" "So this is it." "This is it." "Prom." "Whoo!" "Could you guys get a little closer together?" "Closer." " Closer." " Really?" "Okay." "Perfect." "Okay." "So far, so good." " Really?" " Yeah." "Hey, Matty." "What do you think you're doing?" "Dude." "JOSH:" "Wow." "Michael, did you bring a bearded dude to prom... or am I just, like, ripped out of my fucking mind right now?" "Both." "Uh, this is Greg." "Cheers, buddy." "Gonna shine my light Till you feel it in your soul" "Yeah, I'm not Superman I'm not Spider-Man" "I'm just trying to do the best I can" "So let me be a hero for your heart" " You okay?" " No." " Nervous?" " Yes." "It's okay." " I'm gonna shit myself." " Not gonna shit yourself." "You look good." "You can do it." "Go, come on." "Go, go, go." "Hey, Lars." "Lars." "I gotta do something important right now." " It'll take five minutes." " No can do, Mikey." "We're destroying it." " This is our moment." " I know." "Please." " Get the fuck off the stage." " Yeah." "Hey, potty mouth." "You get off the stage or I'm cutting the power off." " Shit, it's the principal." " Go." "Don't kill our momentum, bro." "Thanks." "Hey, everybody." "I, uh, I'm sorry to interrupt your prom." "I just wanted to sing a song... if you don't mind." "This song is about dealing with change... which I am not very good at." "Um..." "I've done a lot of stupid things the last couple of months and, um..." "Uh, yeah, I think I'm learning to be better at it." "So here we go." "(SINGING) When I was born, I had a thousand legs" "Soon I'll be dancing on a different stage" "I'll go to sleep inside a silk cocoon" "And be reborn into the afternoon" "When I have wings I'll fly into the sun" "Up in the sky I'll be the only one" "Deep down I know I have to turn the page" "But I wonder" "Will I miss my legs?" "Will I miss my legs?" "MAN:" "Gay!" " Were you talking about me or the song?" "MAN:" "You!" "(MEN LAUGH)" "Okay, good, actually, uh... because that ties into something else I wanted to mention... while I'm up here, that even though I'm not gay..." "I'm a straight man, I brought a guy to prom tonight." "Really cool guy." "I did that... because it shouldn't matter who you bring to prom... and it shouldn't matter who you're attracted to in life... or who you fall in love with." "Just bring whoever you want to prom." "And as for the gay thing... gay people are just people who have sex a little bit differently... and I'm sure that it still feels amazing." "So yeah, call me gay." "I don't care." "Doesn't bother me one bit." "MAN:" "Gay!" "(PEOPLE LAUGH)" "Okay, well, I got through to you, then, I guess." "So, uh, thank you guys for listening." "Enjoy your prom." "That took big King Kong-sized donkey balls." " Thanks." "Thank you." " You got it." " Hey, man." "Are you sure you're not gay?" " Yeah, pretty sure." "Because a lot of people are gonna think you're gay after tonight." "I know." "It's okay." "Oh, man." "I let her out of my sight for one second." "Check it out." "Here comes Ava." "She's gonna be so pissed." "Oh." "GREG:" "Okay, that girl is a freak." " I need some air." "Hey." "Hey." "MATTY:" "Hey." "Hey." "I liked what you said up there." "Um, it's not enough." "It doesn't make up for everything." "It's a start." "I know I was, like, super weird in there earlier." "But, uh, I'm really glad to see you here." "It's good to see you too." "Even if it is at a prom, because they are terrible." " Heh." " A prom is like one gigantic wedding... between 500 idiotic teenagers." "Yeah, it's bad." "The first day when we were talking about Matty coming out?" "I should've gotten him that cake that said, "You're gay."" "It would have been better than all the stupid stuff I did." "There's still time, you know." "There's a bakery around the corner..." " ...that specializes in gay apology cakes." " Really?" "Where is it?" " Just kidding." " Heh." "I know you're fucking with me this time." " Always fucking with me." " I'm sorry that I stopped calling you." " I'm really sorry for freaking out on you." " Don't be sorry." "And if there's anything that I can do to help you, you let me know." "You're doing it right now." " Think we could ever hang out again?" " Yeah, I'd like that." "Actually, I have to go do one more thing tonight." "Something I need to do before this gets wrapped up." " Good luck." " Go." "Yo." " You leaving already?" " No." "I, uh, was just gonna grab this and then find you." " Heh, you brought the brownie to prom?" " I bring it everywhere." "It's like my baby." "I'm sorry about all the stuff I did." "I actually brought this here tonight... because I want you and I to get rid of this together." "This brownie represents the old me... who was just afraid things wouldn't stay the same... and that we wouldn't be friends." "I know it's stupid, but that's how I felt." "You and I need to destroy this thing tonight." " Fuck, no." " What?" "This brownie is fucking beautiful, okay?" "And what you said tonight on-stage... that was..." "Dude, that was so awesome." " Heh." " Yeah." "I think I'm gonna come out to my parents." " Really?" " Yeah." "I mean, I think it's gonna be all right." "That is great, man." " So are we gonna eat this thing or what?" " Right now?" "Yeah, I mean, it's amazing." "I mean, look at the artistry on all these dicks." " You frosted veins on this one shaft." " I used a pastry bag with a special nozzle." "And this one over here, the pubes are gorgeous." " I wanna put the pubes in my mouth." " You love pubes?" " You're goddamn right I love pubes." " Cool." "I love this brownie." "And I love you, in a totally non-gay way." " Well, I love you too, non-gay." " Let's bring it in." " Oh, man." " Non-gay." "Extremely non-gay, not interested at all." " What are you doing?" " I'm picking you up." " Put me down." " Don't punch me, you know I'm sensitive." "EM:" "Hey." " They're okay." " Is this the, uh, famous brownie?" "How old is this thing?" "Oh, super old, but I kept it in the freezer, so it's cool." "And I only poured beer on it a couple times and I cried on it once." "That's cool." "Is there enough for four?" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Oh, my God, I'm so high." "What should we do now?" "I mean, we cannot go back into prom like this." "There's only one place you can go when you're this high." "This is the best night of my life!"