"[Jacuzzi Boys' "Vizcaya" playing]" "♪ ♪" "‐ ♪ Gonna have a smoke ♪" "♪ 'Cause the train's gonna be a slow oh ♪" "♪ Here I go ♪" "♪ Livin' so far away ♪" "♪ Viva Vizcaya today ♪" "♪ Ay ♪" "♪ Ay ay ay ay ay ay ♪ [cheers and applause]" "‐ Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts," "Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani!" "[cheers and applause]" "‐ Wow." "Whoa!" "Wow!" "Oh!" "[laughter]" "‐ Whatever." "‐ Thank you so much for coming to the show." "‐ Thanks for coming to the show." "Give it up for Kumail's white T‐shirt." "‐ Fuck you." "‐ Give it up for it." "‐ What's wrong with this?" "‐ He's just like you guys." "A real blue‐collar, middle‐class... ♪ Like my blue jeans and my white T‐shirt ♪" "‐ No, these aren't blue jeans." "These are Bonobos, motherfucker." "[laughter] I'm nothing like you." "[laughter]" "Wha‐‐what's wrong with the shirt?" "Seriously?" "‐ No, it's a great fitted... attention‐grabbing..." "‐ All I want is something that won't make Jonah make fun of me." "‐ [laughs]" "‐ Emily bought me a T‐shirt that had thumbs‐ups on it, and I was like, "No." ‐ [laughs]" "‐ Too big a swing." "Jonah can smell blood in the water." "He's tasted human flesh, and it wants more." "‐ It does." "‐ He's making fun of the shirt, Emily." "‐ It's great." "I picked it." "‐ Did you also pick up the jacket from last season?" "[laughter]" "Yeah, Kumail's dumb shirt." "The hashtag for this episode is #KumailsDumbShirt." "‐ It's not dumb." "I really was like, "No big swings." "Just go for bunts and base hits."" "I had to learn baseball to come up with that analogy." "‐ We should get the show started." "‐ All right, you guys ready for an awesome show?" "‐ We got a good‐‐ [cheers]" "We got a good lineup." "‐ Hey!" "I want to go up!" "‐ Oh." "‐ Oh." "‐ Let me go up." "I want to do some comedy." "‐ No, Lauren‐‐ I'm so sorry." "My little sister's here again." "Lauren, you can't do comedy." "You proved that last time." "‐ I don't do stand‐up anymore." "‐ What?" "What do you‐‐" "‐ Last time it was so awkward 'cause she's, like, in love with me." "‐ No, I know." "‐ And it was so‐‐" "I don't want this." "‐ Hi, Kumail." "‐ I thought you were in the car." "‐ I got out of the car again." "‐ Jesus Christ." "If you're not gonna do comedy, what are you gonna do?" "You're not doing stand‐up." "‐ I'm doing improv now." "‐ Oh, Jesus." "Well, we're not gonna be doing improv with you and you can't do improv by yourself, so thanks anyway‐‐ ‐ I don't need you!" "I have a team!" "‐ What?" "both:" "Hi, Kumail." "‐ Hey, Kumail." "‐ What up?" "‐ Let us come up." "Please!" "all:" "Yeah!" "‐ Jonah, don't do this." "Jonah, we can't do this." "It's so awkward." "‐ My mom will kill me if we don't bring 'em up." "All right, come on." "all: [chanting] Yes!" "And!" "Yes!" "And!" "Yes!" "And!" "Yes!" "And!" "Yes!" "And!" "Yes!" "And!" "[laughter]" "‐ Hi." "‐ Hi." "[girls giggle]" "Hi." "‐ How you doing, girls?" "‐ Hi." "We're fine." "Shut up." "‐ Fine." "Shut up." "‐ Fine." "[laughter]" "‐ All right, well, what's your troupe name?" "[together] We're the We Just Got Our Periods." "‐ Oh, come on, Lauren!" "‐ Except for me, but almost." "‐ Jonah, this is weird." "Hi." "Hey." "‐ Your shirt looks awesome." "‐ Yeah." "‐ Look." "Look." "‐ Oh, yeah." "‐ Oh, my God!" "You're, like, in love." "Oh, my God." "‐ Okay." "All right." "All right!" "All right!" "All right!" "All right!" "Come on." "Lauren, just do‐‐ do whatever you're gonna do and then..." "‐ Okay." "Should we get a suggestion?" "‐ Yeah, let's do it." "‐ Okay." "‐ Okay." "‐ Can we get a suggestion of anything at all?" "‐ Hurry up and give them a suggestion, please." "‐ Salad bar." "[together] Salad bar." "‐ Thank you." "‐ Ooh." "‐ Mmm." "[laughter]" "‐ The salad bar is really good." "‐ So good!" "‐ The croutons are here." "‐ They taste almost as good as I bet Kumail does if you kiss him." "‐ Oh, okay!" "‐ Oh, my God." "‐ I bet Kumail could toss my salad." "[laughter] ‐ Lauren, please!" "Lauren!" "Mom watches this show!" "‐ I don't care!" "Mom knows about tossing salads!" "[laughter]" "‐ You know what doesn't taste good?" "Skid marks, like your brother has in his underwear." "[together] Ew!" "‐ Shut up!" "Stay out of my room!" "‐ Wipe your ass!" "‐ I do!" "I do wipe my ass." "I do wipe my ass." "‐ Yeah, right." "‐ You wipe your ass with the underwear that you put on." "[girls laughing]" "‐ End scene." "End scene!" "End scene!" "End scene!" "[cheers and applause] Okay, that's good." "You guys are good." "‐ No, no, no, one more!" "‐ You're not letting us do anything!" "‐ Jonah, I told you not to‐‐" "Hey..." "don't look at me." "‐ What are you about to say?" "‐ Finish your sentence." "‐ Go on." "‐ Don't finish your sentence, Kumail." "‐ Say it slowly." "‐ Yeah, really slowly." "‐ Whatever you want to say." "‐ Feel it." "‐ Uh..." "‐ Whisper it." "[laughter]" "‐ [whispers] You guys should go sit down." "‐ [moans]" "‐ Oh, God!" "Oh, God, Kumail!" "Just don't say anything to them, okay?" "‐ Let us do one more scene." "Please!" "‐ No, you didn't‐‐ ‐ Please!" "[girls whining] ‐ We'll do, like, a serious one!" "It won't be about Kumail." "We'll do a serious one." "‐ It won't be about Kumail?" "‐ It won't be about Kumail." "‐ Or any of my stuff?" "‐ You can pick the suggestion." "‐ Okay." "Uh... funeral home." "‐ I'm so sad Jonah died." "[laughter]" "‐ This is a good scene." "‐ It was crazy how he pooped forever till he died." "[laughter]" "‐ Lauren, you know, obviously we all hate Jonah 'cause he's the worst, but... he was your brother, so you're probably gonna miss him, right?" "‐ Yeah." "‐ We're so sorry he was your brother." "[laughter]" "‐ I'm sorry, too, but the cool part is," "I didn't tell you guys, I get to fuck Kumail every day the rest of my life." "‐ Okay!" "All right!" "‐ What the fuck?" "‐ Okay, get out of here." "Get out of here, Lauren!" "‐ No, one more!" "One more!" "‐ One more?" "‐ One more, please!" "‐ No more!" "‐ One more!" "One more!" "‐ We want Kumail." "We want Kumail." "‐ All right, but you can't talk about Kumail‐‐ ‐ Just give them a suggestion!" "This is the last one!" "[together] You give it." "‐ [whispers] You give it." "‐ Please." "Please." "Please." "‐ Please." "‐ Anything." "‐ Uh... pickup truck." "‐ Anything at all." "‐ I heard "Kumail." [laughter]" "I'm Kumail." "I'm Kumail." "‐ Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "‐ I'm Kumail!" "‐ Hey!" "Stop it!" "End scene!" "End scene!" "End scene!" "End scene!" "‐ Fine." "Thank you!" "Bye!" "‐ Get out of here!" "[cheers and applause] [upbeat music]" "‐ I'm too fat to ride the "Harry Potter" ride." "[laughter]" "‐ Wait, will I be?" "‐ Hey, this is a safe space!" "‐ No, safe room, remember?" "‐ We're accepting." "‐ Other people would make fun of you." "They'd say jokes like... ‐ I heard you went to House of Pies, and now it's just called House of." "[laughter] ‐ Yeah." "Yeah." "‐ You ate all the pies is what happened." "‐ Because it's a safe place, we're not gonna say things like..." "‐ I won't have to hear‐‐" "‐ You tried to get on the 101, and it became the 405." "‐ [laughs] ‐ When you fly... you have to book two planes?" "[laughter]" "‐ But he would never do that to you." "‐ When you die‐‐ which would be terrible‐‐ you would be whip cremated." "‐ You want to talk about how you got a convertible, but you got to put the bottom down." "‐ [laughs] ‐ Like, when you date, do you like an open‐face relationship?" "I lost 50 pounds, you guys." "[cheering]" "Yeah." "I don't want to die on my son literally or figuratively, and I'm trying to lose weight." "So I lost 50 pounds, and I feel really good about it, but my body is still gross." "Like I still have tits and a..." "I have an outie now." "Like‐‐well, I always did, but now you can totally see it." "It's‐‐ Ugh, I hate it." "I went through the fucking "Total Recall" machine at LAX, and the guy's like," ""Sir, are you still wearing a belt?"" "I'm like, "No, it's my body."" "[laughter]" "My body made a belt to keep my guts from falling out." "Fucking hate it." "And my tits are sweating right now." "Like..." "I don't know if you've noticed," "I've barely done shit since I walked out here." "Small stage." "Walked over here a little bit." "Walked over here a little bit." "My Fitbit, if I was wearing one, would tell you I haven't done dick today." "‐ What‐‐What store were these shoes on sale at?" "Look, that's where you go‐‐ Oh, shit, $13?" "‐ Hone‐‐ [both laugh]" "‐ $13?" "Like for 27‐‐" "‐ Tony, your shoes look like you took 'em off a dead guy." "[laughter] They really do." "‐ First of all, don't‐‐ ‐ Tony can't be judging shoes if those pants came the rips already, so... ‐ Exactly." "‐ Ask the park ranger here." "He'll tell you." "‐ First off, let me tell you... ‐ Only you can stop forest fires." "‐ I'm gonna give y'all a ticket." "I'm gonna give you a ticket for them shoes." "I'm I'm gonna give you a ticket for them ripped pants." "‐ I'm a wrestling fan." "Any other wrestling fans?" "[cheering]" "Like, not a lot, so... the rest of you, fuck you and your fake sport." "I love wrestling." "We lost some key guys last year in 2015." "We lost some crucial guys, some Hall of Famers, some old‐timers." "We lost Rowdy Roddy Piper." "We lost the Ultimate Warrior." "We lost Hulk Hogan... [laughter]" "To racism." "And I don't know if you know the whole story of why Hulk Hogan was in the news last year, but it turns out he made a sex tape." "Oh, my God." "I want to fucking get in line to never, ever see the Hulk Hogan sex tape." "And during the Hulk Hogan sex tape where the controversy arose, is apparently he says the N‐word a bunch while he's having sex with the lady." "He says the N‐word." "Which, who hasn't had sex, right?" "It's super racist." "No, it's fucking not." "You're not doing it right, Hulkster." "And what I love about that story is it was recorded four years ago, and we're just hearing about it now, proving my point that no one wanted to watch the fucking Hulk Hogan sex tape." "It was sitting on some wrestling nerd's pile of shit to watch for, like, four years." "He's like, "Well..." ""I made it through all those 'Doctor Who's." ""That took longer than I thought." ""I guess I'll watch Hulk Hogan fuck a lady." "Oh, my God!" "He's racist!"" "[laughter]" "And if you're surprised Hulk Hogan's racist, you've never looked at Hulk Hogan." "That dude looks racist from a long ways away." "'Cause that fucking mustache is made of racism." "I bet if you watch the sex tape‐‐and don't, but if you did, you'd find out it's not even" "Hulkster being racist." "It's his racist‐talking mustache." "He was, like, having sex with the lady and his 'stache is like, "N‐word." "N‐word." "N‐word."" "He's like, "Brother, trying to have sex here."" "[laughter]" ""Should have shaved off my talking, racist mustache when I realized it hated Mexicans last year."" ""Don't get me started."" "You guys have been fucking awesome, man." "Thank you." "[upbeat music]" "‐ Can I, uh, smack your butt?" "‐ Go for it." "‐ That wasn't even on camera." "‐ Just a horrible smack." "Thank you." "‐ Very muscular." "Unsettling." "‐ Please everybody welcome Jay Larson." "[cheers and applause]" "‐ I do crush at the grocery store." "I do... crush at the grocery store." "Question‐‐ who returns the carriage?" "That's a mystery to you guys?" "You don't know what that means?" "When you go shopping, do you return the carriage in the parking lot, or you tuck it behind a bush like... and then, like, make that excuse like," ""It's someone's job." "I'm keeping them in‐‐"" "You know what I mean?" "Who returns it?" "[applause]" "Who‐‐All right." "That was so long." "We got it." "Who, like, tucks it behind a car or like on a curb?" "‐ Whoo!" "[scattered applause]" "‐ Whoo!" "[laughter]" "I know what you're all wondering." "[whispers] What do you do, Jay?" "I don't do either of them." "I wait till someone else pulls up, and I go," ""Hey, you using a carriage today?"" "And they go, "Yeah." And I go... [laughter]" "They don't know what to do." "It's coming at 'em hot." "They're like, "Aah." Throw 'em off their game." "I don't worry if they can receive it." "Once they do, it's a transference of energy." "I've affected their lives." "I'm just sharing, guys." "I'm just a guy who gets life." "Who are you?" "You guys are just walking through it." "Walking through life." "I'm living it." "You guys think you get it." "You don't." "What's your favorite way to drink water?" "‐ From a glass." "‐ From a glass." "Look at this loser." "[laughter]" "No." "My favorite way?" "Out of a garden hose." "What?" "[imitates squeak] It's like you're stealing." "You got to wait for it to cool out a little bit." "You know, it comes out hot initially." "Let it cool down." "You just got to know yourself a little better, you know?" "You'll get there." "Are you really taking advantage of life?" "That's what you have to ask yourself." ""Are you taking advantage?"" "When was the last time you had an Arnold Palmer?" "[laughter] ‐ Last week." "‐ Last week." "I'm gonna be a waiter." "You're just you." "No offense." "And you're gonna order an Arnold Palmer, and I'm gonna let you know if you truly get life and get Arnold Palmers, okay?" "Hey, man, can I get you something to drink?" "‐ Uh, Arnold Palmer." "‐ Nope, doesn't get it." "[laughter]" "You be the waiter." "Ask me if I need something to drink." "‐ What would you like to drink?" "‐ Let me get an Arnold Palmer." "70/30." "[laughter] 70/30!" "You want some redemption?" "What's the 70?" "‐ Uh..." "lemonade?" "‐ [laughs] No!" "No!" "70% lemonade is a lemonade!" "[laughter] 30% iced tea can't stand up to all that acid." "Walking through life." "Walking through." "‐ Sometimes when I go to the bathroom, my pants will be down and the kittens cutely get in my pants and they, like, will sit and play in my pants, but then they've been peeing." "‐ What the fuck?" "‐ Wait, so they want to be like‐‐ they want to be like Daddy..." "‐ They're like Daddy." "And pee at the same time." "‐ Your cat pees your pants?" "[laughter]" "‐ My cat peed my pants." "It wasn't me." "‐ [laughs] It happens now." "‐ Yeah, right." "[laughter]" "‐ There's a kitten." "Open the door." "‐ Life's about getting it." "I was driving with my buddy Mike." "We're pulling up to an intersection." "Mike's in the passenger seat." "I'm driving." "Pulling up." "I see a friend of mine." "Old friend." "Haven't seen in about eight years, okay?" "Okay, his name's Claude Charge." "You can look him up." "He's a comedian." "Dad invented Gatorade." "It's a side note." "Not a big deal." "Just a side note." "Claude's on the corner." "I haven't seen him in a long time." "He's drinking out of a coffee mug." "He's got flip‐flops on, T‐shirt, shorts, talking to a guy." "They're looking across the street at a building under construction, and there's a brand‐new" "Toyota 4Runner up front." "That's what I see." "Real quick I do some human math." "I'm like, "Oh, Claude drinking out of a coffee mug." ""Must live in the area." "That's probably his neighbor." ""They're probably upset about the building under construction" ""'cause Claude got a brand‐new Toyota 4Runner." "His dad invented Gatorade." "He's got the cash."" "This is the human math my brain did." "Okay?" "Now, I haven't seen him in a while." "I'm not gonna say, "Hey." I don't‐‐it's not‐‐" "What's the point?" "You know what I mean?" "I go back to talking to Mike." "Light's red." "In the rearview, I see Claude walk behind my truck, okay?" "Then I see him in the side view, and I'm like, "Man, I wonder how close my hypothesis is," you know?" "Like, am I on point with this?" "But I don't want to be like, "Hey, ask him."" "I'd like to make it interesting." "You know what I mean?" "'Cause I'm 70/30." "So this is what I did." "I go, "Hey, bro, you can't park there, man."" "And he goes, "Yeah, I know, that's not my truck, man."" "And I go, "Yeah, but..." "you can't park there."" "And he goes, "It's not my truck, bro."" "And I go, "Move your fucking truck, bro!"" "And he goes, "It's not my fucking truck, bro!"" "And I go, "Move your fucking truck, bro!"" "And he goes, "It's not my fucking truck, bro!"" "And I go, "Claude, what's up, man?" "And he goes, "Jay?" I go, "Yeah."" "Light turn green, I took off." "[laughter]" "And my buddy Mike goes, "Dude!" "Who was that?"" "‐ I go, "Bro, that's the heir to the Gatorade fortune."" "And he goes, "Why did you do that?"" "I go, "'Cause he's just walking through life" ""thinking everything's fine and dandy." ""And I just took him to a point of anger and hatred." "And that's what friendship's all about."" "I'm Jay Larson." "Thank you guys so much." "[upbeat music]" "‐ You know what's dope about this?" "Look at the board." "Like, it's‐‐" "‐ It's real." "‐ Yeah." "‐ It's a cardboard box." "‐ Back in the '60s, this probably looked dope, and then the '80s hit, and all this turned brown." "You know what I mean?" "Everything just got real in here." "I don't know where that's from." "I don't know what that is." "How many of y'all like board games like "Monopoly"?" "[scattered cheers] Four people?" "I like "Monopoly" 'cause you got a chance to be, like, like, the 1%." "See what they live like." "You know what I mean?" "You could make all this money and shit." "But I created something, you know what I mean?" "For people in that lower class, that lower percent." "It's called "Nopoly," you know?" "[laughter]" "The hood edition." "Look at that!" "Almost like "Monopoly," but, you know, it's different." "You know what I mean?" "You got Jail, but now they added Prison." "And instead of Free Parking, you go to Yo Mama House 'cause you always can kick it at your mama house." "Ain't no Community Chest 'cause ain't no community in the hood." "It's every man for himself." "Got the top ten most dangerous cities to live in in the United States." "It's baller." "I'm gonna do some rounds for y'all." "I need somebody." "I need a volunteer." "You know what I mean?" "Come on up, brother." "Give this man a round of applause!" "What's your name?" "‐ Josh." "‐ Josh?" "Nice to meet you, Josh." "Thank you for playing." "You get one die instead of some dice, 'cause in the hood, you don't get many chances to advance." "[laughter]" "Now here's your character." "You're gonna be a nigga with a stick." "You know?" "There right there." "And I'm gonna be a nigga with a stick." "Also, every time you roll, you got to pick a chance card." "‐ Okay." "‐ 'Cause when you from the hood, when you leave the house, there's a chance you might not come back." "Let's do it!" "Three!" "‐ Should I pick the card and then do it, or move first?" "‐ Move." "Run!" "Run!" "[laughter]" "Compton!" "‐ "You were set up by the police, go directly to jail." ‐ Wow." "Welcome to the system, you know?" "One." "Richmond, California." ""You made a million dollars legally."" "Unh!" "[laughter]" "‐ "But you didn't pay taxes, go directly to jail."" "[laughter]" "It's hard out here for pimp." "It's jail." "Everybody get out of jail." "Detroit, Michigan." "[exhales sharply]" "‐ "You get out of jail, but you go back because you're black."" "‐ Dang." "This game is real, ain't it?" "Whoo." "Five." "One, two, three, four, five." "Birmingham." "Ugh." "[laughter]" ""Bang!" "You got shot at a Bar Mitzvah."" "[laughter]" ""Shalom, nigga." "You dead."" "[laughter]" ""You win." I win!" "[cheering]" "Thank you for playing this game." "[applause]" "Thank you, "Meltdown." I'm out this bitch." "[cheers and applause]" "‐ That's our show." "Thank you so much." "‐ That's our show, everybody." "Give it up for the white T‐shirt." "Give it up for the white T‐shirt." "[chanting] White T‐shirt." "all: [chanting] White T‐shirt." "White T‐shirt." "White T‐shirt." "White T‐shirt." "White T‐shirt." "White T‐shirt." "White T‐shirt." "‐ That's how alcoholism starts, guys." "Every show you need to do it." "Heard of Chris Farley?" "‐ Oh, the fat guy." "‐ You son of a bitch." "He was‐‐" "He was a fat guy." "‐ Like you had brought him up in a very respectful fashion." "‐ You're wearing a white T‐shirt to host a television show?"