"We are quite, quite wrong." "Once upon a time, there was a charming country house... in which lived a very happily married couple." " Edith, you know the cocktail shaker?" " Yes'm." "Well, I want you to fill two of those long-stemmed glasses from it..." " and bring them up here." " Yes'm." "And, Edith, as you're not in the navy, it's unnecessary to do everything at the double." " Very good, ma'am." " And, Edith, when you're serving dinner... try to remember to do it calmly and methodically." " Yes'm." " Now go and get the cocktails." " Yes'm." " Not at a run, Edith." "Yes'm." "What do you suppose induced Agnes to leave us and go and get married?" "The reason was becoming increasingly obvious, dear." "Yes." "We must keep Edith in the house more." " Oh, dear!" " What's the matter?" "I have an idea this evening's going to be awful." "Well, I think it'll be funny, but not awful." "Why did you ask the Bradmans, darling?" "He's as skeptical as we are." " He'll probably say the most dreadful things." " Well, I warned him." "There had to be more than three of us, and we couldn't have the vicar and his wife... because, A, they're dreary, and, B, they wouldn't have approved at all." " No, it had to be the Bradmans." " You must promise not to catch my eye." "If I giggle - and I'm very likely to - it will ruin everything." "You mustn't." "You must be dead serious, and if possible, a little intense." "We can't hurt the old girl's feelings, however funny she is." "That was her." "Oh, that's her, is it?" "I've seen her in the village several times." "She certainly is a strange woman." "The vicar told me he saw her up on the knoll on Midsummer Eve... dressed in sort of Indian robes." "Apparently, she's been a professional in London for years." "It's funny, isn't it?" "I mean, to think of people doing it as a profession." "Hmm." "I believe it's very lucrative." "What does Mr. Condomine hope to get out of her?" "Material for his book." "He's writing a mystery story, you know." " To The Unseen." " I must say that's a wonderful title." "If this evening's a success, I shall start writing the first draft tomorrow." "Used Elvira to be a help to you - when you were thinking something out, I mean?" "Poor Elvira." "If I died before you'd grown tired of me, I wonder if you'd forget me so soon." " What a horrible thing to say." " No, I think it's interesting." "Well, to begin with, I haven't forgotten Elvira." "I remember her very distinctly indeed." "I remember how fascinating she was and how maddening." "I remember her gay charm when she had achieved her own way over something... and her extreme acidity when she didn't." "I remember her physical attractiveness, which was tremendous... and her spiritual integrity, which was nil." "Was she more physically attractive than I am?" "That's a very tiresome question, darling, and fully deserves the wrong answer." " You really are very sweet." " Thank you." " And a little naive too." " Why?" "Because you imagine that I mind about Elvira being more physically attractive than I am." "I love you, my love." "I know you do, but not the wildest stretch of the imagination could describe it... as the first fine, careless rapture." " Would you like it to be?" " Good heavens, no." "Wasn't that a shade too vehement?" "We're neither of us adolescent, Charles." "We've neither of us led exactly prim lives, have we?" "We've both been married before." "Careless rapture at this stage would be incongruous and embarrassing." "I hope I haven't been in any way a disappointment, dear." "Don't be so idiotic." "After all, your first husband was a great deal older than you." "I wouldn't like you to think that you've missed out all along the line." "There are moments, Charles, when you go too far." "Sorry, darling." "If I died, I wonder how long it would be before you married again." "You won't die." "You're not the dying sort." " Neither was Elvira." " Oh, yes, she was, now I come to think of it." "She had a certain ethereal, not-quite-of-this-world quality." "Nobody would call you even remotely ethereal." "Nonsense." "She was of the earth - earthy." "Yes." "Well, she is now anyhow." "You know, that's the kind of observation that shocks people." "It's discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit." "Write that down." "You might forget it." "You underrate me." "Anyhow, it was a question of bad taste more than honesty." "I was devoted to Elvira." "We were married five years." "She died." "I missed her very much." "That was seven years ago and I've now, with your help, my love... risen above the whole thing." "That's probably the Bradmans." "It might be Madame Arcati." "Shall I go, or shall we let Edith have her fling?" "She's probably on one knee in a pre-sprinting position... waiting for Cook to open the kitchen door." " Steady, Edith." " Yes, sir." "Good evening." "We're not late, are we?" "I only got back from the hospital half an hour ago." "Of course not." "Madame Arcati isn't here yet." "No, we passed her coming up the hill on her bicycle." "I'm so glad you were able to come." "We've been looking forward to it." "I feel really quite excited." "I guarantee that Violet will be good." "I made her promise." "Fine." "Come and have a drink." "Oh, thank you so much." "Do you believe in it, Mrs. Condomine?" "Do you think there's anything really genuine about it at all?" "I'm afraid not." "But I do think it's interesting how easily..." " Thank you." " People allow themselves to be deceived." "But she must believe it herself, mustn't she?" "Or is the whole business a fake?" "I suspect the worst." "A real professional charlatan." "That's what I'm hoping for anyhow." "The character that I'm planning for my book must be a complete impostor." "It's one of the most important factors of the whole story." "Do you think she tells fortunes?" "I love having my fortune told." "Yes, I expect so." "Have you ever attended her, Doctor?" "Professionally, I mean?" "Oh, yes." "She had influenza last January." "She's only been here just over a year, you know." "Here she is." "I say, she knows, doesn't she, about tonight?" "You're not going to spring it on her?" "No, of course not." "It was all arranged last week." "I told her how profoundly interested I was, and she blossomed like a rose." "I really feel quite nervous, as if I were going to make a speech." " Go and meet her, darling." " Mmm." " Oh, good evening." " Hmm?" "I've leant my bike up against that little bush out there." "It'll be perfectly all right if no one touches it." " How nice to see you, Madame Arcati." " My dear Madame Arcati." "I'm afraid I'm rather late, but I had a sudden presentiment... that I was going to have a puncture, so I went back to fetch my pump." "And then, of course, I didn't have a puncture at all." "Perhaps you will on the way home." "Oh, thank you." " You know " " Dr. Bradman, the man with the gentle hands." "I'm delighted to see you looking so well." "This is my wife." " How do you do?" " We're old friends." "We meet coming out of shops." "Would you like a cocktail?" "If it's a dry martini, yes." "If it's a concoction, no." "Experience has taught me to be very wary of concoctions." " It is a dry martini." " How delicious." "We do so much appreciate your coming all this way, Madame Arcati." "Oh, nonsense." "It was wonderful cycling through the woods this evening." " I was deafened with birdsong." " It's been lovely all day." "Ah, but the evening's the time." "Mark my words." "Thank you." "Cheers!" "Cheers!" "Don't you find it tiring bicycling everywhere?" "On the contrary, it stimulates me." "I was getting far too sedentary in London." "That horrid little flat with the dim lights." "They had to be dim, you know." "The clients expect it." "This is the best dry martini I've had for years." " Would you like another?" " Certainly." "I must say, I find bicycling very exhausting." "Steady rhythm - that's what does it." "Once you get the knack of it, you need never look back." "On you get, and away you go." "But the hills, Madame Arcati." "Pushing up those awful hills." "Just knack again." "Down with your head, up with your heart, and you're over the top like a flash... and skimming down the other side like a dragonfly." " Dinner is served, ma'am." " Thank you, Edith." "Oh, no red meat, I hope." "There's meat, but I don't think it will be very red." "I make it a rule never to eat red meat before I work." "Would you rather have an egg or something?" "Oh, no, thank you." "We'll risk it." "It's just that it sometimes has an odd effect." " What sort of effect?" " Nothing of the least importance." "Thank you." "How do you get in touch with people on the other side, Madame Arcati?" "Through a control, of course." "In my case, a little girl." "They're generally the best." "Some mediums prefer Indians, of course, but personally I've always found them unreliable." "In what way unreliable?" "Well, to start with, they're frightfully lazy." "Also, when faced with any sort of difficulty... they're apt to go off into their own tribal language, which is naturally unintelligible." "That generally spoils everything and wastes a good deal of time." "Do you feel funny when you go off into a trance?" "In what way "funny"?" "I don't think Mrs. Bradman means funny in its comic implication." "I think she meant strange or odd." "The word was an unfortunate choice." "Oh, I'm sure I'm very sorry." "It doesn't matter in the least." "Please don't apologize." "When did you first discover that you had these remarkable powers?" "When I was quite tiny." "My mother was a medium before me, you see... and so I had every opportunity of starting on the ground floor, as you might say." "I had my first trance when I was four years old... and my first ectoplasmic manifestation when I was five and a half." "Oh!" "What an exciting day that was." "I shall never forget it." "Of course, the manifestation was quite small and of very short duration... but for a child of my tender years, it was most gratifying." " Can you tell fortunes?" " Certainly not." "I disapprove of fortune tellers most strongly." "Edith, we don't want to be disturbed for the next hour or so for any reason whatsoever." " Is that clear?" " Yes'm." "Unless it's an urgent call for George." " Unless it's an urgent call for Dr. Bradman." " Yes'm." "Well, Madame Arcati, the time is drawing near." " Who knows?" "It may be receding." " How very true." "I hope you feel in the mood, Madame Arcati." "Well, it isn't a question of mood." "It's a question of concentration." "You must forgive us being so impatient." "We can easily wait if you're not quite ready to start." "No, nonsense, my dear." "I'm absolutely ready." "Heigh-ho!" "Heigh-ho!" "To work we go." " Is there anything you'd like us to do?" " Do?" "Well, sort of hold hands or anything." "All that will come later." "First, a few deep, deep breaths of fresh air." "You may talk, if you wish." "It won't disturb me in the least." "Shh!" "It was an excellent dinner, darling." " I congratulate you." " The mousse wasn't quite right." "It looked a bit hysterical, but it tasted delicious." " That cuckoo's very angry." " I beg your pardon." "I said that cuckoo is very angry." "Listen!" " How do you know?" " Timbre." "No moon." "That's as well, I think." "A mist rising from the marshes." "There's no need for me to light my bicycle lamp, is there?" " I mean, no one's likely to fall over it." " No." "We're not expecting anyone else." "Splendid." "Good night, you foolish bird." " You have a table?" " Well, we rather thought that one might do." "I think the one there would be better." "Over here, Mr. Condomine, please." "Hmm." "This is a moment that I always hate." " Are you nervous?" " Yes." " When I was a girl, I always used to be sick." " How fortunate that you grew out of it." "Children are always much more prone to be sick than grown-ups though, aren't they?" "Little Tommy Tucker sings for his supper." "What shall he have but brown bread and butter?" "I despise that because it doesn't rhyme at all, but Daphne loves it." "Who's Daphne?" "Daphne is Madame Arcati's control." "She's the little girl." "Oh, yes." "Yes, of course." "I see." "How old is she?" " Rising seven when she died." " And when was that?" "February the sixth, 1884." "She must be a bit long in the tooth by now, I should think." "You should think, Dr. Bradman, but I fear you don't, at least not profoundly enough." "Please forgive me, Madame Arcati." "I assure you I'm deeply interested." "It's of no consequence." "Now, will you all sit round the table, please, and place your hands downwards on it?" " Come, Mrs. Bradman." " What about the lights?" "All in good time, Mr. Condomine." "Now sit down, please." "That's better." "I presume that's the gramophone." "Would you like me to start it for you?" "It's an electric one." "No, no." "Please stay where you are." "I can manage." "Now, what have we here?" "Brahms." "Oh, dear me, no." "Rachmaninoff - too florid." " Where's the dance music?" " They're the loose ones on the left." "I'm afraid none of them are very new." "Daphne's really more attached to Irving Berlin than to anyone else." "She likes a tune she can hum." "Oh, here's one - "Always."" " "Always"?" " What's the matter?" "Uh" " Nothing, darling." "Nothing at all." "Now, there are one or two things that I would like to explain, so will you all listen attentively?" "Of course." "Presently, when the music begins, I'm going to switch out the lights." "I may then either walk about the room for a little or lie down flat." "In due course, I shall draw up that dear little stool and join you at the table." "I shall place myself between you and your wife, Dr. Bradman... and rest my hands lightly upon yours." "I must ask you not to address me or move or do anything in the least distracting." " Is that quite, quite clear?" " Perfectly." "Of course, I can't guarantee that anything will happen at all." "Daphne may be unavailable." "She had a head cold recently and was rather under the weather, poor child." "On the other hand, a great many things might occur." "One of you might have an emanation, for instance." "Or we might contact a poltergeist, which would be extremely destructive and noisy." " In what way destructive?" " They throw things, you know." "No, I didn't know." "Now, are you ready to empty your minds?" "Do you mean you want us to try and think of nothing?" "Absolutely nothing, Dr. Bradman." "Concentrate on a space or on a nondescript color." " That's really the better way." " I'll do my level best." "Good work!" "Lights!" "Oh, dear!" "Is there anyone there?" "Is there anyone there?" "One rap for yes." "Two raps for no." "Is there anyone there?" "Oh!" "Is that you, Daphne?" "Is your cold better, dear?" "Oh, I'm so sorry." "Are you doing anything for it?" "I'm afraid she's very fretful." "Is there anyone there who wishes to speak to anyone here?" "Ah." "Now we're getting somewhere." "Oh, no, Daphne." "Don't do that, dear." "You're hurting me." "Daphne dear, please!" "Oh, be good." "There's a dear child." "I'm sorry." "You say there's someone there who wishes to speak to someone here?" "Is it me?" "Is it Dr. Bradman?" "Is it Mrs. Bradman?" "Is it Mrs. Condomine?" "Oh, stop it, Daphne." "Behave yourself." "Is it Mr. Condomine?" "There's someone who wishes to speak to you, Mr. Condomine." "Tell them to leave a message." "I really must ask you not to be flippant, Mr. Condomine." "Charles, how can you be so idiotic?" "You'll spoil everything." "I'm sorry." "It just slipped out." "Do you know anyone who's passed over recently?" "Not recently, except my cousin in the civil service... and he wouldn't be likely to want to communicate with me." "We haven't spoken for years." "Are you Mr. Condomine's cousin in the civil service?" "No, I'm afraid we've drawn a blank." "Try and think of someone else." "Rack your brains." "It might be old Mrs. Plummett, you know." "She died on Whit Monday." "I can't imagine why old Mrs. Plummett should wish to speak to me." " We had very little in common." " It's worth trying." "Are you old Mrs. Plummett?" "She was deaf." "Perhaps you'd better shout." "Are you old Mrs. Plummett?" "No, there's nobody there at all." "How disappointing." "Just as we were getting on so nicely." "Violet, be quiet." "Well, I'm afraid there's nothing for it but for me to go into a trance." "Excuse me a moment while I start the gramophone again." " Not "Always." Don't play "Always."" " I'm afraid I must." "It would be imprudent to change horses in midstream, if you know what I mean." "Oh, well." "Have it your own way." "Little Tommy Tucker sings for his supper." "What shall we give him... but brown bread and butter?" "That would be Daphne." "She ought to have had her adenoids out." "George, please!" " Good heavens." " Shh!" "It's trying to get away." "I can't hold it." "Press down hard." "Ought we to pick it up or leave it where it is?" " How the devil should I know?" " Well, there's no need to snap at me." " I suppose we'd better pick it up." " Leave it where it is." " Who said that?" " Who said what?" " Somebody said, "Leave it where it is."" " Nonsense, dear." " I heard it distinctly." " Nobody else did, did they?" "I never heard a sound." "It was you, Ruth." "You're playing tricks." "I'm doing nothing of the sort." "I haven't uttered." "Good evening, Charles." "Ventriloquism." "That's what it is - ventriloquism." " What's the matter with you?" " You must have heard that." " One of you must have heard that." " Heard what?" "You mean to sit there solemnly and tell me that none of you heard anything at all?" " I certainly didn't." " Neither did I. I wish I had." "I should love to hear something." "It's you who are playing the tricks, Charles." "You're acting to try and frighten us." "I'm not." "I swear I'm not." "It's difficult to think of what to say after seven years... but I suppose that "good evening" is as good as anything else." " Who are you?" " Elvira, of course." "Don't be so silly." "I can't bear this another minute." "Get up, everybody." "The entertainment's over." "Charles, how tiresome of you." "Just as we were beginning to enjoy ourselves." "Never again." "That's all I can say." "Never, never again, as long as I live." "Did you hear something we didn't hear, really?" " No, of course not." "I was only pretending." " I knew you were." "Oh, dear!" "Look at Madame Arcati." " What are we to do with her?" " Bring her round." "Bring her round as soon as possible." "She's out, all right." "Bring her round." "It's dangerous to leave her like this." "Really, Charles, you're behaving most peculiarly." "Madame Arcati, wake up!" "Time to go home!" " Now steady, steady on." " Get some brandy." "Give her some brandy." "What on earth is the matter with you?" "Get some brandy!" "Here, Bradman, give me a" " Help me." "I'll take the feet." "Lift her into the chair." "Wake up, Madame Arcati." "Little Tommy Tucker, Madame Arcati!" "Here's the brandy." "She's coming round." "Be careful, Charles." "You're spilling it down her dress." "Well, that's that." " Are you all right?" " Certainly I am, my dear." "I never felt better in my life." "Well, what happened?" "Was it satisfactory?" "Oh, nothing much happened, Madame Arcati, after you went off." "No, something happened, all right." "I can feel it." "No poltergeists at any rate." "That's a good thing." " Any apparitions?" " Not a thing." "What, no ectoplasm?" "I'm not quite sure what that is, but I don't think so." "Curious." "I feel as if something tremendous had taken place." "Charles pretended he heard a voice to try and frighten us." "It was only a joke." "A poor one, if I may say so." "Nevertheless, I'm prepared to swear that there's someone else psychic in this room apart from myself." "I don't really see how there could be, Madame Arcati." "I do hope I haven't gone and released something." "However, we are bound to find out within a day or two." "If any manifestations should occur or you hear any unexpected noises... you might let me know at once." "Oh, of course we will." "We'll get in touch with you immediately." " Well, I really think I must be on my way now." " Wouldn't you like something before you go?" "Oh, no, thank you." "I have some Ovaltine all ready in a saucepan at home." "It only needs hotting up." "Good-bye, Mrs. Condomine." "It was sweet of you to take all this trouble." "Well, I'm so sorry so little occurred." "It's that cold of Daphne's, I expect." "You know what children are when there's anything wrong with them." " We must try again some other evening." " That would be lovely." " Good night, Mrs. Bradman." " It was thrilling." "It really was." "I felt the table absolutely shaking under my hands." " Good night, Doctor." " Congratulations, Madame Arcati." "I'm fully aware of the irony in your voice, Dr. Bradman." "As a matter of fact, you'd make an excellent subject for telepathic hypnosis." "A great chum of mine's an expert." "I'd like her to look you over." "I'm sure I should be charmed." " Well, good night, everyone." " Good night." "Good night." "Thank you." "Next time we must really put our backs into it." "Good night." "Be careful, Mrs. Condomine." "She might hear you." "I can't help it." "I've been holding this in for ages." "But do you really think she believes " "Of course not." "The whole thing's a put-up job." "I must say, though, she shoots a more original line than they generally do." "I hope Mr. Condomine got all the atmosphere he wanted for his book." "He would have got a great deal more if he hadn't spoiled it by showing off." "I'm really very cross with him." "I suddenly felt a draft." "There must be a window open." "No, they're shut." "Perhaps it was one of those whatchamacallims Madame Arcati was talking about." " Elementals?" " No, it couldn't be." "She distinctly said it was the wrong time of the year for elementals." "Well, the old girl went pedaling off down the drive at a hell of a speed." " We had a bit of trouble lighting her lamp." " Poor thing." "I've got a theory about her, you know." " I believe she's completely sincere." " Charles, how could she be?" "Well, we must be going." "I've got to get up abominably early tomorrow." "I have a patient being operated on in Canterbury." "It's been a thrilling evening." "I shall never forget it." " It was sweet of you to include us." " Good night, Mrs. Condomine." "Thank you so much." "Are you sure you won't have a drink before you go?" "Quite sure, thanks." "I must do a little reading up on the whole business, just for the fun of it." "We'll let you know if we find any poltergeists whirling about." " I should never forgive you if you didn't." " Come along, darling." " Well, darling?" " Well?" "Would you say the evening had been profitable?" "Mmm." "I suppose so." " What's the matter?" " Matter?" "Yes." "You seem odd somehow." " Do you feel quite well?" " Mmm, fine." " I think I'll have a drink." "Do you want one?" " No, thank you, dear." "Brr!" "It's getting very chilly " "Oh, my God!" "Charles!" "That was very clumsy, Charles dear." "Elvira, then it's true." "It" " It was you." "Of course it was." "Charles, darling." "Charles, what are you talking about?" "Are you a - a ghost?" "I suppose I must be." "It's all very confusing." "What do you keep looking over there for?" "Look at me." "What's happened?" " Don't you see?" " See what?" "Elvira." " Elvira?" " Yes." "Elvira dear, this is Ruth." "Ruth, this is Elvira." "Come and sit down, darling." "What, do you mean to say you can't see her?" "Look, Charles, you just sit down quietly by the fire, and I'll fix you another drink." "Don't worry about the mess on the carpet." "Edith can clean that up in the morning." "But you must be able to see her." "She's here." "Look." "Right in front of you here." "Look, Charles, if this is a joke, it's gone far enough." " Now sit down and don't be idiotic." " What am I to do?" "What the devil am I to do?" "Well, I really think you might be a little more pleased to see me." "After all, you conjured me up." "I didn't do any such thing." "Nonsense." "Of course you did." "That awful child with the cold came and told me that you wanted to see me urgently." "It was all a mistake, a horrible mistake." "Stop talking like that, Charles." "As I told you before, the joke's gone far enough." "I've gone mad." "That's what it is." "I've just gone raving mad." "Now sit down." "Why are you so anxious for me to sit down?" "What good will that do?" "I want you to relax." "You can't relax standing up." "African natives can." "They can stand on one leg for hours." "I don't happen to be an African native." " You don't happen to be a what?" " An African native." "What's that got to do with it?" "It doesn't matter, Ruth." "It really doesn't matter." "We will say no more about it." " Look." "I've sat down." " Here." "Drink this." " Would you like some more?" " Yes, please." "Very unwise." "You always had a weak head." "I could drink you under the table." "There's no need to be aggressive, Charles." "I'm doing my best to help you." "Sorry." "Now, drink this, and then we can go upstairs to bed." "Get rid of her, Charles." "Then we can talk in peace." "That's a thoroughly immoral suggestion." "You ought to be ashamed of yourself." "What is there immoral in that?" " I wasn't talking to you, Ruth." " Who were you talking to then?" " Elvira, of course." " Oh, to blazes with Elvira!" " There now." "She's getting cross." " I don't blame her." "Now look here, Charles." "I gather you've got some sort of plan behind all this." " I'm not quite a fool." " Ruth, Elvira is here." "She's standing a few yards away from you." "Yes, dear." "I can see her distinctly - under the piano with a zebra." " But, Ruth " " I am not going to stay here arguing any longer." " Hooray." " Shut up." " How dare you speak to me like that!" " But listen, Ruth, please " "I will not listen to any more of this nonsense." "I'm going upstairs to bed now." "I shall leave you to turn out the lights." "I won't be asleep - I'm much too upset - so you can come in and say good night to me if you feel like it." "Well, that's big of her, I must say." "Be quiet!" "You're behaving like a guttersnipe." "That is all I have to say." "Good night, Charles." "That was one of the most enjoyable half hours I've ever spent." " Oh, Elvira, how could you?" " Poor Ruth." "This is obviously some sort of hallucination, isn't it?" "I'm afraid I don't know the technical term for it." "Well, where have you come from?" "Do you know, it's very peculiar, but I've sort of forgotten." "Are you to be here indefinitely?" "I'm afraid I don't know that either." "Why?" "Would you hate it so much if I was?" "Well, you must admit it would be embarrassing." "I don't see why really." "It's all a question of adjusting yourself." "Anyway, I think it's horrid of you to be so unwelcoming and disagreeable." " Now look here, Elvira." " I do." "I think you're mean." "Well, try to see my point of view, dear." "I've been married to Ruth for five years and you've been dead for seven." "Not dead, Charles." "Passed over." "It's considered very vulgar to say "dead" where I come from." "Passed over then." "I don't believe you love me anymore." "I shall always love the memory of you." "Well, I really am a little hurt." "You called me back, and at greet inconvenience I came... and you've been thoroughly churlish ever since I arrived." "Believe me, Elvira, I most emphatically did not call you back." " There's been some mistake." " Perhaps it was your subconscious." "You must find out if you're going to stay or not, and we can make arrangements accordingly." " I don't see how I can." " Well, try and think." "Isn't there anyone that you know that you can get in touch with over there... or on the other side or whatever it's called who can advise you?" "No." "I can't think." "It all seems so far away, as though I'd dreamed it." "Oh, Charles." "What is it?" " I want to cry, but I don't think I'm able to." " What do you want to cry for?" "Well, it's seeing you again, and you being so irascible like you always used to be." " I don't mean to be irascible, Elvira." " Darling, I don't mind really." "I never did." "Is it cold being a ghost?" "No, I don't think so." "What happens if I touch you?" "I doubt if you can." "Do you want to?" "Oh, Elvira." "What is it, darling?" "Oh, it certainly does seem strange seeing you again." "That's better." "What's better?" "Your voice was kinder." "Was I ever unkind to you when you were alive?" "Often." "Oh, how can you?" "I'm sure you're exaggerating." "Not at all." "You were an absolute pig that time we went to Cornwall and stayed in that awful hotel." "You hit me with a billiard cue." "Mmm." "Only very, very gently." "I loved you very much." "I loved you too." "No, I can't touch you." "Isn't that horrible?" "Hmm." "Perhaps it's just as well if I'm to stay here for any length of time." "I suppose I shall wake up eventually, but I feel strangely peaceful now." "That's right." "Put your head back." "Like this?" "Can you feel anything?" "Only a very little breeze through my hair." "Well, that's better than nothing." "I suppose if I'm really out of my mind, they'll put me in an asylum." "Don't you worry about that." "Just relax." "Poor Ruth." "Mmm." "Nuts to Ruth." "Good morning, Edith." " Good morning, sir." " Feeling fit?" "Yes, sir." "Thank you, sir." " How's Cook?" " I don't know, sir." "I haven't asked her." "You should." "You should begin every day by asking everyone how they are." " It oils the wheels." " Yes, sir." " Greet her for me, will you?" " Yes, sir." " Good morning, darling." " Good morning, Charles." " It certainly is." " What certainly is what?" "A good morning." "A tremendously good morning." "There isn't a cloud in the sky, and everything looks newly washed." "Anything interesting in The Times?" "Don't be silly, Charles." " I intend to work all day." " Good." " It's extraordinary about daylight, isn't it?" " How do you mean?" "Oh, the way it reduces everything to normal." "I'm sure I'm very glad to hear it." " You're very glacial this morning." " Are you surprised?" "Yes." "I take back what I said about it being a good morning." "It's a horrid morning." "You'd better eat your breakfast while it's hot." "It isn't." "Now look here, Charles." "In your younger days, this display of roguish flippancy might have been alluring." "In a middle-aged novelist, it's nauseating." " I don't see what I've done that's so awful." " You behaved abominably last night." "You wounded me and insulted me." "I was the victim of an aberration." " Nonsense." "You were drunk." " Drunk?" "You had two strong dry martinis before dinner, a great deal too much burgundy at dinner... heaven knows how much port and kümmel with Dr. Bradman... while I was doing my best to entertain that madwoman." "And two large brandies later." "I gave them to you myself." " Of course you were drunk." " That's your story, is it?" "I wasn't in the least drunk, Ruth." "Something happened to me last night." "Something very peculiar happened to me." " I really don't wish to discuss it any further." " But you must discuss it." "It's very disturbing." "I swear to you that during the séance I was convinced I heard Elvira's voice." " Nobody else did." " I can't help that." "I did." "You couldn't have." "And later on, I was equally convinced she was in the room." "I saw her distinctly and talked to her." "After you'd gone up to bed, we had quite a cozy little chat." "And you seriously expect me to believe that you weren't drunk." "I know I wasn't drunk." "If I'd been all that drunk, I should have a dreadful hangover, shouldn't I?" " I'm not at all sure that you haven't." " I haven't got a trace of a headache." "My tongue's not coated." "Look at it." "I haven't the least desire to look at your tongue." "Kindly put it in again." " Please'm." " Yes, Edith?" "Cook wants to know about lunch, ma'am." " Will you be in to lunch, Charles?" " Oh, please, don't worry about me." "I shall be perfectly happy with a bottle of gin in my bedroom." "Don't be silly, dear." "Tell Cook we shall both be in, Edith." "Yes'm." "I'm going into Hythe this morning." "Is there anything you want?" "Yes, a great deal, but I doubt if you could get it in Hythe." "I've put Alka-Seltzer down on my list." "Women!" "What I think of women." "Your view of women is academic, to say the least of it." "Just because you've always been dominated by them... it doesn't necessarily follow that you know anything about them." "I've never been dominated by anyone." "You were hagridden by your mother till you were 23." "Then you got into the clutches of that awful Mrs. Whatever-her-name-was." " Mrs. Winthrop-Llewellyn." " I'm not interested." "Then there was Elvira." "She ruled you with a rod of iron." "Elvira never ruled anyone." "She was far too elusive." "That was one of her greatest charms." "Then there was Maud Charteris." "If you wish to make an inventory of my sex life, dear..." "I think it only fair to tell you that you've missed out several episodes." "I'll consult my diary and give you a complete list after lunch." " Charles." " Yes?" "Alcohol will ruin your whole life if you allow it to get a hold on you, you know." "Once and for all, Ruth, I'd like you to understand... that what happened last night was nothing whatever to do with alcohol." "I grant you, it may have been some form of psychic delusion... but I was stone-cold sober from first to last and extremely upset into the bargain." "You were upset indeed." "What about me?" "You behaved with a stolid, obtuse lack of comprehension which frankly shocked me." "Instead of putting out a gentle, comradely hand to guide me... you shouted staccato orders at me like a sergeant major." "You called me a guttersnipe." "You told me to shut up." "And when I quietly suggested that we should go upstairs to bed... you said, with the most disgusting leer, it was an immoral suggestion." "I was talking to Elvira." "If you were, I can only say it conjures up a fragrant picture of your first marriage." "My first marriage was perfectly charming and I think it's in the worst possible taste for you to sneer at it." "I'm not nearly so interested in your first marriage as you seem to think I am." "It's your second marriage that is absorbing me at the moment." "It seems to me to be on the rocks." "Only because you persist in taking up this ridiculous attitude." "My attitude is that of any normal woman whose husband gets drunk and hurls abuse at her." " I was not drunk!" " Be quiet." "They'll hear you in the kitchen." "I don't care if they hear me in the Folkestone town hall!" "I was not drunk!" " Did you call, sir?" " No!" "Charles dear, if you weren't drunk, how do you account for it?" "I can't account for it." "That's what's so awful." " What did you have for lunch?" " You ought to know." "You had it with me." "Let me see." "There was lemon sole and that cheese thing." "Why should having a cheese thing for lunch make me see my deceased wife after dinner?" "You never know." "It was rather rich." "Why didn't you see your dead husband then?" "You had just as much of it as I did." " This isn't getting us anywhere." " No, of course it isn't." " Charles dear?" " Yes?" "Perhaps there's something pressing on your brain." "If there were something pressing on my brain, I should have violent headaches, shouldn't I?" "Not necessarily." "An uncle of mine had a lump the size of a cricket ball pressing on his brain for years... and he never felt a thing." "I know I should know if I had anything like that." " He didn't." " What happened to him?" "He had it taken out, and he's been as bright as a button ever since." "Did he have any sort of delusions?" "I mean, did he think he saw things that weren't there?" "No, I don't think so." "Well, what the blazes are we talking about him for then?" "It's sheer waste of valuable time." "Well, I just brought him up as an example." " How do you feel now?" " Physically, do you mean?" "Altogether." "Apart from being worried, I feel quite normal." "Good." "You're not seeing or hearing anything in the least unusual?" "Not a thing." "What's the matter now?" "She's here again!" " What do you mean?" "Who's here again?" " Elvira." "You've absolutely ruined that border by the sundial." "It looks like a mixed salad." "Charles, pull yourself together." "It's all those nasturtiums." "They're so vulgar." " I like nasturtiums." " You like what?" "They're all right in moderation, but in a mass like that, they look beastly." "Help me, Ruth." "You've got to help me." " What did you mean about nasturtiums?" " Never mind about that now." "I tell you, she's here again." "You've been having some nice scenes, haven't you?" "Please mind your own business." "If you behaving like a lunatic isn't my business, I don't know what is." "I expect they were about me, weren't they?" "I know I ought to feel sorry, but I'm not." "I'm delighted." " How can you be so inconsiderate?" " Inconsiderate?" "I like that." "I've done everything I can to help." "I've controlled myself admirably." "And I'd like to say here and now I don't believe a word about your beastly hallucinations." " Ruth, please." " Don't come near me!" "Let her have a nice cry." "It'll do her good." " You're utterly heartless." " Heartless!" "I wasn't talking to you!" "I was talking to Elvira!" "Very well." "Go on talking to her then." "Talk to her till you're blue in the face, but don't talk to me." " Help me, Elvira." " How?" " Well, make her see you or something." " Oh, I'm afraid I couldn't possibly manage that." "It's technically the most difficult business - frightfully complicated, you know." "It takes years of study." "I don't care how technical it is." "You've got to try." "You are here, aren't you?" "You're not an illusion?" "No, I was afraid not." "Yes, but" " Well " "No, I don't mean to be rude, but you must see " "Yes, you must make me a promise in future you'll only come and talk to me when I'm alone." "Well, that's better than not seeing me at all." " Charles." " Yes, dear?" "I'm awfully sorry I was cross." " But, my dear " " I understand everything now." " I do really." " You do?" " Of course I do." " Look out." "She's up to something." " Will you please be quiet?" " Of course, darling." "We'll all be quiet, won't we?" "We'll be as quiet as little mice." "But, Ruth dear " "Now, I want you to come upstairs with me and go to bed." "The way that woman harps on bed." " I'll deal with you later." " Very well, darling." "Come along." " What are you up to?" " I'm not up to anything." "I just want you to go quietly to bed and wait there till Dr. Bradman comes." "No, Ruth, you're wrong." "She'll have you in a straitjacket before you know where you are." "Listen, Ruth." "If I promise to go to bed, will you let me stay here for five minutes longer?" " I really think it would be much better " " No, now bear with me." "However mad it may seem, bear with me for just five minutes longer." "Very well." "What is it?" "Sit down." " All right." "There." " Now listen." "Listen carefully." "Have a cigarette." "It'll soothe your nerves." " I don't want a cigarette." " Then you shan't have one, darling." "I want to explain to you calmly and without emotion... that beyond any shadow of doubt, the ghost or shade or whatever you like to call it... of my first wife, Elvira, is in this room now." "Yes, dear." "I know you don't believe me and you're trying valiantly to humor me... but I'm going to prove it to you." " Promise you'll do what I ask." " Well, that depends on what it is." "Ruth, you see this bowl of flowers on the table?" "Yes, dear, I did them myself this morning." " Very untidily, if I may say so." " You may not." "Very well." "I never will again, I promise." "Elvira will now carry the bowl of flowers over to you and back again." "You will, Elvira, won't you?" "Just to please me?" "Well, just once, please." "Thank you." "Now watch carefully, Ruth." "Yes, dear." "Go on, Elvira." "Take them over to Ruth." "How dare you, Charles?" "You ought to be ashamed of yourself." "What on earth for?" "It's a trick." "I know it's a trick." "You've been working up to this." "It's all part of some horrible plan." "It isn't." "I swear it isn't." "Elvira, for heaven's sake, do something else." "Certainly." "Anything to oblige." "You want to get rid of me." "You're trying to drive me out of my mind!" " Oh!" " I'm not going to put up with this any longer!" " You must believe me!" "You must!" " Let me go immediately!" " That was Elvira!" "I swear it was." " Let me go." "Ruth, please!" "Charles, this is madness, sheer madness." "It's some sort of autosuggestion, isn't it?" "Some form of hypnotism." " Swear to me it's only that." " Hypnotism, my foot!" "Oh, my dear Mrs. Condomine, how nice of you to call." " I do hope it isn't inconvenient." " Inconvenient?" "Good heavens, no." "Come inside." "Oh, do go into the sitting room, Mrs. Condomine." "You're just in time for a cup of tea - that is, if you don't mind China." " Not at all." " I never touch Indian." "It upsets my vibrations." "Well, do come and sit down." "Good egg." "I'll have this made in a jiffy." "Madame Arcati, I'm profoundly disturbed, and I want your help." "Splendid." "I thought as much." "Now, fire away." "Well, it's most awfully difficult to explain." "Well, facts first." "Explanations afterwards." "It's the facts that are so difficult to explain." "They're so fantastic." "Facts very often are." "Come now, take the plunge." "Out with it." "You've heard strange noises in the night, no doubt." "Boards creaking, doors slamming." "Subdued moaning in the passages." " Isn't that it?" " No, I'm afraid it isn't." "No sudden gusts of cold wind, I hope?" "No." "It's worse than that." "I'm all attention." "I know it sounds idiotic... but the other night, during the séance, something happened." "I knew it." "Probably a poltergeist." "They're enormously cunning, you know." "They sometimes lie doggo for days." "Poltergeist!" "Poltergeist!" "Pretty poltergeist!" "Oh!" "Now carry on." "I'm all ears." "You know my husband was married before." "Yes." "I had heard it mentioned." "His first wife, Elvira, died comparatively young." "She was convalescing from pneumonia, and, one evening... she began to laugh helplessly at one of the BBC musical programs... and died of a heart attack." "Just a moment, please." " Now, where did she die?" " In our present house." "I'm beginning to see daylight." "She materialized the other evening after I'd gone." "Not to me, but to my husband." "Capital!" "Capital!" "Oh, but that's splendid!" "At last!" "At last!" "A genuine materialization!" "Please sit down, Madame Arcati." "How could anyone sit down at such a moment?" "It's tremendous." "I haven't had such a success since the Sudbury case." "Nevertheless, I must insist upon you sitting down... and controlling your natural exuberance." "I fully appreciate your pride in your achievement... but I would like to point out it's made my position in the house untenable... and I hold you entirely responsible." "Oh, forgive me, Mrs. Condomine." "I'm being abominably selfish." " How can I help you?" " How?" "By sending her back immediately to where she came from, of course." "Well, where is she now?" "My husband's driven her into Folkestone." "Apparently she was anxious to see an old friend of hers who's staying at the Grand." "This whole business is very difficult for Ruth." "We must be fair." "Well, she should learn to be more adaptable." "She probably will in time." "I doubt it, Charles." "She's got a hard mouth." "It's her mouth that gives her away." "Her mouth's got nothing to do with it." "I resent your discussing Ruth as though she were a horse." "I" " I take it your husband was devoted to her." "I believe so." "Husband devoted." "It was apparently a reasonably happy marriage." "Oh, tut, tut, tut." "You say she's visible only to your husband?" "Yes." "Visible only... to husband." "Audible, too, I presume." "Extremely audible." "Extremely... audible." "Do you love her?" "Yes, of course." "As much as you loved me?" "Don't be silly." "It's entirely different." "You always behaved very badly... and I'm grieved to see that your sojourn in the other world... hasn't improved you in the least." "The time has come for me to admit to you frankly, Mrs. Condomine... that I haven't the faintest idea how to get rid of her." "Do you mean to sit there and tell me... that having mischievously conjured up this ghost or spirit or whatever she is... and placed me in a hideous position... you are unable to do anything about it?" "Well, honesty is the best policy." "But this is outrageous." "I - I ought to hand you over to the police." "You go too far, Mrs. Condomine." "I go too far?" "Indeed." "Do you realize what your insane, amateur muddling has done?" "I have been a professional ever since I was a child, Mrs. Condomine." ""Amateur" is a word that I cannot tolerate." "It seems to me to be the height of amateurishness... to evoke malignant spirits and not be able to get rid of them." "I resent your tone, Mrs. Condomine." "I really do." "You most decidedly have no right to." "You are to blame for the whole horrible situation." "May I remind you that I came to your house on your own invitation." "On my husband's invitation." "The whole thing was planned in order for him to get material... for a mystery story he's writing about a homicidal medium." "Am I to understand that I was only invited in a spirit of mockery?" "No, no, no." "Not at all." "He merely wanted to make notes of some of the tricks of the trade." "Tricks of the trade?" "Insufferable!" "I've never been so insulted in my life!" "I feel we have nothing more to say to one another, Mrs. Condomine." "But, Madame Arcati, please." "Your attitude from the outset has been most unpleasant." "Some of your remarks have been discourteous in the extreme." "And I would like to say, without umbrage... that if you and your husband have been foolish enough to tamper with the unseen... for paltry motives and in a spirit of ribaldry... whatever has happened to you is your own fault." "And to coin a phrase... as far as I'm concerned, you can stew in your own juice!" "Good afternoon, Mrs. Condomine." "What on earth are you doing here?" " I've been calling on Madame Arcati." " Whatever for?" "To get rid of me, of course." "To get me exorcized." " Is that true, Ruth?" " Is what true?" "That you went to Madame Arcati to get Elvira exorcised." "We discussed the possibilities." "There's a snake in the grass for you." "I'm afraid Elvira's sitting here." "Oh, to blazes with Elvira!" "You know, Charles, she's absolutely ruined this room." "She's done nothing of the kind." "It's all a question of taste." "My poor darling Charles." "As far as taste is concerned, your second marriage was a disaster." "Just look at that awful picture and that terrifying dress." " But what's the matter with it?" " What's the matter with what?" "I think it's very charming." "Really, this situation is impossible, and you know it." "If only you'd make an effort to be a little more friendly to Elvira... we might all have quite a jolly time." "I have no wish to have a jolly time with Elvira." "She's certainly very bad-tempered, isn't she?" "I can't think why you married her." " Where is she at the moment?" " She's on the" " Mmm?" "In the chair." "Oh, you are sweet, Charles darling." "I worship you." "I want to be perfectly frank with you, Elvira." "Hold on to your hats, boys." "I admit I did see Madame Arcati with a view to having you exorcized." "I think if you'd been in my position, you would have done exactly the same." "What did Madame Arcati say?" " She said she couldn't do a thing." " Hooray." "Don't be upset, Ruth dear." "We shall adjust ourselves, you know." "You must admit it's a unique position." "I can see no reason why we shouldn't get a great deal of fun out of it." "Fun?" "How can you, Charles?" " You must be out of your mind." " Yes, I thought I was at first." "But now I must admit I'm beginning to enjoy myself." "Oh!" "This is intolerable!" "For heaven's sake, don't get into another state." "I have been doing my level best to control myself since yesterday morning... and I am not going to do it anymore!" "I don't like Elvira any more than she likes me." "And what's more, I'm sure I never could have - dead or alive." "Lf, since her untimely arrival the other evening... she'd shown the slightest sign of good manners, the slightest sign of breeding..." "I might have felt differently toward her." "As it is, all she's done is try to make mischief between us... to have private jokes with you against me." "First thing tomorrow, I'm going up to London to interview the Psychical Research Society." "And if they fail me, I shall go straight to the Archbishop of Canterbury." "I shall be back on the 6:45." "You and Elvira can have the house to yourselves... and joke and gossip with each other to your heart's content." "It's clouding over." "You have a genius for understatement." "Edith!" "Cook." "What on earth's happened?" "Where's Edith?" "Charles." "Nothing to worry about, Mrs. Condomine." "It's only a slight strain." "Oh!" "I'm so relieved." "But who was in the ambulance?" "That, dear, was the gardener." "Men are much worse patients than women, you know." " Particularly highly strung men like your husband." " Is he highly strung, do you think?" " I'm afraid he's been overworking lately." " Overworking?" "He's in rather a nervous condition." "Nothing serious, you understand." " What makes you think so?" " I know the symptoms." "What symptoms?" "Oh, it's nothing to be unduly alarmed about." "A certain air of strain, an inability to focus his eyes on the person he's talking to... a few rather marked irrelevancies in his conversation." "I see." "Can you remember any specific example?" "Oh, yes." "He suddenly shouted, "What are you doing in the bathroom?"" "And then a little later when I was writing him a prescription... he suddenly said, "For heaven's sake, behave yourself."" "How extraordinary." "And how is poor Edith?" "She'll be all right in a few days." "It's only a slight concussion." "How does it feel now?" "All right." "Is this darn sling really essential?" "I had hoped to drive into Folkestone this evening." " Be much better if you didn't." " You could easily wait and go tomorrow." "I can't stand another of those dreary evenings at home, Charles." "It'll drive me dotty." "Besides, I haven't seen a movie for seven years." " Let me be the first to congratulate you." " What's that, old man?" "Charles, do try to be sensible." "I implore you." "Sorry." "I forgot." "You can drive the car if you go very slowly and carefully." "Use your right arm as little as possible." "Thank you." " Good-bye, Mrs. Condomine." " Good-bye." "I'll pop around and see you again tomorrow morning." "Thank you." " Good-bye." " Good-bye." "Charles." " Yes?" " Where's Elvira?" "She's slipped out of the front door with Dr. Bradman." " Are you sure she's not here?" " Yes." "Quite sure." " Good." "I want to talk to you." " Oh, dear." "You're not going to start making scenes again, are you?" "This is a fight, Charles." "It's a duel to the death between Elvira and me." "Melodramatic hysteria." "The poor little thing comes back trustingly after all these years in the other world " "Elvira is about as trusting as a puff adder... and a good deal more dangerous into the bargain." "Dangerous?" "She came here with one purpose and one purpose only." "And if you can't see it, you're a bigger fool than I thought you." "What purpose could she have beyond the natural desire to see me again?" "After all, you must remember she was extremely attached to me, poor child." "Her purpose is perfectly obvious." "It's to get you to herself forever." " That's absurd." "How could she?" " By killing you off, of course." "Killing me off?" "You're mad." "Doesn't it strike you as peculiar that you, Cook, Edith and Webb... all met with violent accidents on the same day?" "Yes, but why should she want to kill me?" "I could understand her wanting to kill you, but why me?" "If you were dead, it would be her final triumph over me." "She'd have you forever on her beastly astral plane, and I'd be left high and dry." "She's probably planning some sort of spiritual remarriage." "I wouldn't put anything past her." "Ruth." "For heaven's sake, stop looking like a wounded spaniel and concentrate." "This is serious." "I'm going to see Madame Arcati." "I don't care how cross she is." "She's got to help us." "Even if she can't get rid of Elvira... she must know some technical method of rendering her harmless." "I'll be back in half an hour." "Tell Elvira I've gone to see the vicar." " This is appalling." " Never mind about that." "Remember now, don't give yourself away by so much as the flick of an eyelid." " Look out." " What?" "I" " I merely said it was a nice lookout." "What is a nice lookout?" "The-The weather, Elvira." "I find it very difficult to believe that at this particular moment... you and Ruthie can't think of anything more interesting to talk about than the weather." "Ah, but the glass has gone down and down and down." "It's positively macabre." "Charles and I were not discussing the weather, Elvira." "I was trying to persuade him not to drive you into Folkestone this evening." "It would be bad for his arm, and you can easily wait and go tomorrow." "However, as he seems determined to place your wishes before mine in everything..." "I really have nothing further to say." "I'm sure I hope you both enjoy yourselves very much." "Are you ready?" " What for?" " To go to Folkestone, of course." "I just want a glass of sherry first." "I don't believe you want to take me at all." "Of course I want to take you, but I still think it would be more sensible to wait until tomorrow." "It's a filthy night." " Oh, how familiar all this is." " In what way familiar?" "All through our married life, I only had to suggest something... for you immediately to start hedging me off." "I wasn't hedging you off." "I merely said that I thought..." "Oh, all right." "We'll spend another nice cozy, intimate evening at home... with Ruth sewing away at that hideous table center... and snapping at us like a terrier." "Ruth is perfectly aware the table center is hideous." "It happens to be a birthday present for her mother." "If you don't behave, I shan't take you into Folkestone ever." "Oh, please, Charles, don't be elderly and grand with me." " Please let's go now." " Not until I've had my sherry." "Besides, the car won't be back for half an hour at least." " What do you mean?" " Ruth's taken it." " She had to go and see the vicar." " What?" "What's the matter?" "You say that Ruth has taken the car?" "Yes, to go and see the vicar, but she won't be long." "Oh, Charles." "Oh, Charles." "What are you behaving like that for?" "What have you done?" "Done?" "I haven't done anything." " Elvira, you're lying." " I'm not lying." "What's there to lie about?" " What are you in such a state for?" " I'm not in a state." "I don't know what you mean." " You've done something dreadful." " Don't look at me like that, Charles." " I haven't." "I swear I haven't." " The car." "That's it - the car." "No, Charles." "No." "Ruth was right." "You were trying to kill me." "You've done something to the car." "Oh, oh, oh." "Ruth!" "Ruth!" "Hello." "Yes?" "Speaking." "Yes?" "The bridge at the bottom of the hill." "Yes, yes." "I'll come at once." "Ruth." "Well, of all the filthy low-down tricks." "Ow!" "Ruth!" "Stop it!" "Get away from me!" "Leave me alone!" "Oh!" "Leave me alone!" "Oh!" "Ruth!" "Leave me alone!" "Oh, Ruth!" "I didn't mean it!" "Ow!" "Come in." "Thank you, Edith." "Oh." "Hello." "Oh, hello, Mr. Condomine." "Um, I hope you won't consider this an intrusion, Mr. Condomine... but I felt a tremendous urge - like a rushing wind - so I hopped on my bike, and here I am." "I reproach myself bitterly, you know." "I threw up the sponge." "In a moment of crisis, I threw up the sponge... instead of throwing down the gauntlet." "Yes, well, whatever you threw, Madame Arcati, I'm afraid there's nothing whatever to be done." "Oh, but there is." "There is." "I found a formula." "It came to me last night, Mr. Condomine." "It came to me in a blinding flash." "I'd just finished my Ovaltine and turned out the light... when I suddenly started up in bed with a loud cry." ""Great Scott!" I said. "I've got it!"" "And at 3:00 in the morning, with my brain fairly seething..." "I went to work on my crystal for a little." "Pluck up your heart, Mr. Condomine." "All is not lost." "Well, I'm very glad to hear it, but I think we should leave things as they are for the present." "I" " I-I" " Mr. Condomine?" "If you'll pardon my bluntness, Mr. Condomine, I think you're a blithering idiot." "You're at liberty to think whatever you please." "Oh, well, have it your own way, Mr. Condomine... but I warn you that it's no good locking the stable door after the horse is gone." "Hmm!" "Charles, I can't stand this house another minute." "Really, Elvira, I'm surprised at you." "I don't care how surprised you are." "I want to go home." " Now don't be childish." " I'm not being childish." "Ruth has hardly left my side for a minute." " Well, is she here now?" " No." "She's upstairs lying down." "The funeral exhausted her." "This whole thing has been a failure." "A dreary, miserable failure, and, oh, what high hopes I started out with." "You can't expect much sympathy from me, you know." "I'm perfectly aware that your highest hope was to murder me." "Don't put it like that." "It sounds so beastly." "Anyway, it was only because I loved you." "The silliest thing I ever did in my whole life was to love you." "You were always unworthy of me." "That remark comes perilously near impertinence, Elvira." "I sat there on the other side day after day just longing for you." "I did." "Really." "That was why I put myself down for a return visit... and had to fill in all those forms... and wait about in drafty passages for hours." "If only you'd died before you met Ruth, everything might have been all right." "She's absolutely ruined you." "I hadn't been in the house for a day before I realized that." "Your books aren't a quarter as good as they used to be either." "That's entirely untrue." "Ruth helped me and encouraged me in my work, which is more than you ever did." "I should think that's probably what's wrong with it." "All you thought about was going to parties and enjoying yourself." "Well, why shouldn't I have fun?" "I died young, didn't I?" "You needn't have died at all if you hadn't been idiotic enough... to go out in that punt with Guy Henderson and get soaked to the skin." "It was not a punt." "It was a little launch." "I don't care if it was a three-masted schooner." "You had no right to go." "You behaved abominably over Guy Henderson." "There's no use pretending you didn't." "Guy adored me." "And anyway, he was very attractive." "You told me distinctly that he didn't attract you in the least." "Well, you'd have gone through the roof if I'd told you that he did." "Anyway, you seem to forget why I went." "You seem to forget that you spent the entire evening making sheep's eyes... at that overblown harridan in the false pearls." "A woman in Cynthia Cheviot's position would hardly wear false pearls." "Well, they were practically all she was wearing." "Yes, I'm pained to observe that seven years in the echoing vaults of eternity... have in no way impaired your native vulgarity." "That was the remark of a pompous ass." "I'm sick of these insults." "Please go away." "There's nothing I should like to do better." "You've got to get hold of that old gal again and set her to work." "I won't tolerate this another minute." "For heaven's sake, don't snivel." "She's got to get me out of this." "I want to go home." "I quite agree, and the sooner the better." "On looking back on our married years, Elvira..." "I see now with horrid clarity that they were nothing but a mockery." "You invite mockery, Charles." "Something to do with your personality, I think - a certain seedy grandeur." " Now once and for all " " You never suspected it... but I laughed at you steadily from the altar to the grave." "All your ridiculous petty jealousies and your fussings and fumings." "You were feckless and irresponsible and morally unstable." "I realized that before we left Budleigh Salterton." "Nobody but a monumental bore... would have thought of having a honeymoon in Budleigh Salterton." "And what is the matter with Budleigh Salterton?" "I was an eager young bride, Charles." "I wanted glamour and music and romance." "What I got was potted palms seven hours of every day on a damn golf course... and a three-piece orchestra playing Merrie England." " Pity you didn't tell me so at the time." " I did, but you wouldn't listen." "That was why I went out on the moors that day with Captain Bracegirdle." "I was desperate." "You swore to me that you'd gone over to see your aunt in Exmouth." "Mmm, it was the moors." "With Captain Bracegirdle." "With Captain Bracegirdle." "With Captain Brace - I might have known it." "What a fool I was." "What a blind fool." " Did he make love to you?" " Of course." " Oh, Elvira." " Only very discreetly." "He was in the cavalry, you know." "All I can say is that I'm well rid of you." "Unfortunately, you're not." "With any luck, I soon will be." "Ah, Mr. Condomine." "Well, I can't say I'm entirely surprised." "I'm afraid I've broken your " "Do come inside." "Oh, take off your coat." "Just sling it over the bannisters." "Madame Arcati, I want you to meet my first wife, Elvira." "Oh." "Oh, my dear." "How do you do?" "No, she's not there." "She's, uh, in the doorway." "Are you happy, my dear?" "Tell the silly old bag to mind her own business." "Was the journey difficult?" " Are you weary?" " Oh, she's dotty." "This is wonderful." "Wonderful." "I almost have contact." " I can sense the vibrations." " But, Madame Arcati, she's gone in there." "How fascinating." "Very interesting." "I smell ectoplasm strongly." "What a disgusting thing to say." "Well, go on, Elvira." "Don't be a spoilsport." "Give her a bit of encouragement." "Oh, all right." "Not that I approve of these Maskelyne and Devant carryings-on." "Yes, yes." "Again." "Again." " Oh!" " How's that?" "This is first-rate." "It really is first-rate." "Absolutely stunning." "I'm so glad you're pleased." "You darling." "You little darling." "Oh, stop her fawning on me, Charles, or I'll break something." "Madame Arcati, Elvira and I have discussed the whole situation... and she wishes to go home immediately." " Home?" " Well, wherever she came from." "Oh, you don't think she'd like to stay a few days longer... while I try to get things a little more organized?" "No, no, no." "I want to go now." "You said something about a formula." "What is it?" " Oh, very well." "If you insist." " I most emphatically do insist." " Oh, Charles." " Shut up." "All right." "I can't guarantee anything, you know." " I'll do my best, but it may not work." " What is the formula?" "Nothing more than a little verse really." "It fell into disuse after the 17th century." "Oh, I shall need some pepper and salt." "Ah." "Yes." "We ought of course to have some shepherd's wort and a frog or two... but I daresay I can manage without." " Is this enough?" " Yes, thanks." "Now, let me see." "Ah, yes." "Sprinkle it, will you?" "Just a soupçon." "There, right in the middle." "This is going to be a flop." "I can tell you that here and now." "Oh, steady, steady, steady." "And now a few snapdragons out of that vase." "There's a good chap." "If that Mr. Emsworth of the Psychical Research Society could see me... he'd have a fit, he would really." "Now then, sit down, Mr. Condomine." "And rest your hands on the table, but don't put your fingers in the pepper." "I shall switch out the lights myself." "Oh, shucks!" "I'd almost forgotten." "One triangle... one half circle... and one little dot... there." "Merlin does this sort of thing at parties and bores us all stiff with it." "It's a waste of time." "She's a complete fake." "Anything's worth trying." "I am as anxious for it to succeed as you are." "Don't make any mistake about that, but I'll lay you 10-to-1 it's a dead failure." "Now, Mr. Condomine... if your wife would be kind enough to lie down on the sofa." "Go on, Elvira." "This is sheer nonsense." "Don't blame me if I get the giggles." "Concentrate." "Think of nothing." "That's right." "Quite right." "Now, you won't be frightened, dear, will you?" "It's absolutely painless." "Arms at the sides, legs extended." "Breathe steadily." "In, out." "Is she comfortable?" " Are you comfortable, Elvira?" " No." "Yeah, she's quite comfortable." "I shall join you in a minute, Mr. Condomine." "I may have to go into a slight trance, but, if I do, pay no attention." "Hold on to yourself, Mr. Condomine." "Concentrate." "Oh, dear." "It's the pepper." "Ghostly specter, ghoul or fiend, nevermore be thou convened." "Shepherd's wort and holy rite banish thee into the night." " What a disagreeable little verse." " Be quiet, Elvira." "Is there anyone there?" "Is there anyone there?" "One rap for yes." "Two raps for no." "Is there anyone there?" "Good stuff!" "Is that you, Daphne?" "I'm sorry to bother you, dear, but Mrs. Condomine wants to return." "Now, then, Daphne." "Did you hear what I said?" "Can you help us?" "Hold on to it, Mr. Condomine." "It's trying to break away." "What on earth's happening?" "What's the matter, Madame Arcati?" "Oh, she's in one of her blasted trances again... and I'm as much here as ever I was." "Are you hurt?" "Wake up." "Oh, leave her alone." "She's having a whale of a time." "If I ever do get back, I'll strangle that ruddy little Daphne." "Oh." "What happened?" " Nothing." "Nothing at all." " Yes, it did." "Something happened." " Yes." "You fell over." "That's all that happened." " What, is she still here?" " Yes, of course." " Something must have gone wrong." "Oh, make her do it again properly, Charles." "I'm sick of being messed about like this." "Be quiet." "She's doing her best." "Something happened." "I sensed it in my trance." "I felt it." "It shivered through me." "Once and for all, Charles." "What the devil does this mean?" "Well, I can't think how I can have been such a duffer." " I only hope you're on the right track now." " Oh, not a doubt of it, Mr. Condomine." "I think I may confidently promise you that, next time... we shall be able to kill two birds with one stone." "I can't feel your simile is entirely fortunate." "Mind my crystal, Mr. Condomine." "Ah!" "Well, now that we've returned to the scene of the crime, as it were... everything will be plain sailing." "Are they gone?" " No." " Oh." "Are they gone now?" "No." "Are they gone now?" "Hickory rod and birch in bud... toad in the hole and toad in the mud... broomstick, bracken and Halloween... make these furious spirits seem... nothing more than a ghastly dream." "Are they still here?" "Yes." "End of Round 6." "Oh, well, cheer up, Mr. Condomine." "Rome wasn't built in a day, you know." "This is definitely one of the most frustrating nights I've ever spent." "Hmm." "The reply to that is pretty obvious." "I'm sure I don't know what you mean." "Oh, skip it." "Thank you, Mr. Condomine." "Oh, if you'll excuse me, I'll just have another of those delicious sandwiches." "I'm as hungry as a hunter." " Would you like a glass of beer?" " No, thank you." "Better not." "Now look here, Charles, this has gone far enough." "We've stood up, we've lain down." "We've concentrated, we've sat interminably... while that tiresome old woman recited extremely unflattering verses at us." "We've endured five séances." "We've watched her fling herself in and out of trances until we're dizzy." "And at the end of it, we find ourselves exactly where we were at the beginning... and I'm exhausted." "Well, I'm just as..." "exhausted as you are." "I've been doing all the blasted table tapping." "Looks as if Elvira and I will have to stay together indefinitely in this house." "You're not going to stay indefinitely in this house." "With you then." "We shall have to be with you." "Oh, I don't see why." "Why don't you take a cottage somewhere?" "You called us back." "I've already explained till I'm black in the face that I did nothing of the sort." "Madame Arcati says you did." "Madame Arcati is a muddling old fool." "If she can't get us back, she can't." "That's that." "We must try to think of something else." "She must get you back." "Anything else is unthinkable." "There's gratitude for you." "You called us back, and you've done nothing but try to get rid of us ever since we came." " Hasn't he, Elvira?" " He certainly has." "And now, owing to your idiotic inefficiency, we find ourselves in this mortifying position." "We're neither fish, flesh, fowl nor..." "whatever it is." "Good red herring." "Are the girls getting despondent?" " Yes, I'm afraid they are rather." " Oh." "We mustn't give up hope." "Chin up, never give in." "That's my motto." "This schoolgirl phraseology is driving me mad." "Now, then." "Now, then what?" "What do you say if we have another séance and really put our shoulders to the wheel?" "Make it a real rouser." "If we're not very careful, she'll materialize a hockey team." "Charles, I implore you not to let her have another séance." "Now listen, Madame Arcati, before you go into any further trances..." "I think we should discuss the situation a little." "Good." "An excellent idea." "Well, fire away, Mr. Condomine." "Well, my wives and I have been talking it over... and they're both still absolutely convinced that I somehow or other called them back." "Very natural." "And I'm equally convinced that I did not." "Well, neither of them could have appeared unless there had been somebody - some psychic subject - in the house who wished for them." " Yes, well, it wasn't me." " Perhaps it was Dr. Bradman." "I never knew he cared." "Great Scott!" "I believe I've been barking up the wrong tree." " How do you mean?" " The Sudbury case." " I don't understand." " There's no reason why you should." "It was before your day." "I wonder." "Oh, I wonder." "What was the Sudbury case?" "I wish you would explain." "It was the case that made me famous, Mr. Condomine." "It was what you might describe in theatrical parlance as my first smash hit." "I had letters from all over the world about it, especially India." "What did you do?" "I dematerialized old Lady Sudbury... after she'd been firmly entrenched in the private chapel for over 17 years." " How?" "Can you tell me how?" " Chance." "A fluke." "I happened on it by the merest coincidence." " What fluke?" "What did you do?" " All in good time." "Wait." "Now, who was present during our first séance?" "Only the Bradmans and Ruth and me and yourself." "To be sure." "To be sure." "But the Bradmans aren't here tonight, are they?" " No." " Quickly." "My crystal." " Here." " Thank you." "Drat the thing, it gives me the pip." "It's cloudy again." "That's better." "It's there again." "It's there again." " I'm beginning to understand." " I wish I was." " What's there again?" " It's a bandage." "A white bandage." "Hold on to a white bandage." " I haven't got a white bandage." " Shh!" "She's too good, you know." "She ought to be in a circus." "Be you in nook or cranny, answer me." "Be you in still room or closet, answer me." "Be you behind the panel, above the stairs, beneath the eaves... waking or sleeping, answer me!" "Well, that ought to do it or I'm a Dutchman." " Do what?" " Shh, shh, shh!" "Wait." "It's near." "It's near." "It's very near." "If it's a ghost, I shall scream." "Did you ring, sir?" "Bandage." "A white bandage." " No, Edith." " I'm sorry, sir." "I could've sworn I heard the bell or somebody calling." "I was asleep." "I don't rightly know which it was." "Come here, child." "Oh." "Well, go on." "Go to Madame Arcati." "It's quite all right." "Who do you see in this room, child?" " Oh, dear." " Answer, please." " You, Madame." " Go on." "The master." " Anyone else?" " Oh, no, Madame." " Look again." " I don't understand, sir." "Oh, come child, don't beat about the bush." "Look again." "Do you see anyone else now?" " Oh, no, Madame." " She's lying." " Madame." " They always do." ""They"?" "Where are they now?" "By the piano." "She can see them." "Do you mean to say she can see them?" "Probably not very clearly, but enough." "Let me go." "I haven't done nothin' nor seen anybody." "Let me go back to bed." "Get her a sandwich." "I don't want a sandwich." "I want to go back to bed." " Oh, nonsense." " Here you are, Edith." "A big, healthy girl like you saying no to a delicious sandwich?" "I never heard of such a thing." " Sit down, dear." " Please, sir, I " "Now go on, Edith, do as Madame Arcati says." "If she's been the cause of all this unpleasantness..." "I shall give her a week's notice tomorrow." "You may not be here tomorrow." "Now look at me, Edith." "Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo." "Oh, dear." "What's the matter with her?" "Is she barmy?" "Here, Edith." "This is my finger." "Look." "Have you ever seen such a long, long, long finger before?" "Now it's on the left." "Now it's on the right." "Backwards and forwards it goes." "Very quietly." "See?" "Backwards and forwards." "Tick-tock." "Tick-tock." "The mouse ran up the clock." "Be quiet." "You'll spoil everything." "Tick-tock." "Tick-tock." "♪ Rumpty-tumty tiddle-lee-um Hi, ditey-oh-toh ♪" " So far, so good." "She's off, all right." " Off?" "She's a natural, just the same as the Sudbury case." "Really, it's the most amusing coincidence." "Now then, if you'd ask your wives to stand close together, please." " Yes, yes." "Where?" " Over there by the window." "Right." "Ruth, Elvira." " I resent being ordered about like this." " I'm afraid I must insist." "I don't like this." "I don't like any of it." "I feel peculiar." "It would serve you right if we flatly refused to do anything at all." "Are you sorry for having been so mischievous, Edith?" "Oh, yes, Madame." "You know what to do now, don't you, Edith?" "Oh, yes, Madame." "I believe it's going to work, whatever it is." "Oh, Charles." "This is good-bye, Charles." "Make her stop for a minute, Charles." "There's something I want to say before I go." "You should have thought of that before." "Too late now." " Well, of all the mean, ungrateful " " Charles, listen a moment." "Lights." "I saw Captain Bracegirdle again, Charles." "Several times." "I went to the Four Hundred with him twice while you were in Nottingham." "And I must say that I couldn't have enjoyed myself more." "Don't think you're getting rid of us so easily, my dear." "You may not be able to see us, but we shall be here all right." "I consider you've behaved atrociously over the whole miserable business." "They've gone." "They've really gone." "Splendid!" "Hurrah!" "We've done it." "That's quite enough singing for the moment, Edith." "Hadn't you better wake her up?" "She might bring them back again." "Wake up, child." "Wh-Where am I?" "It's all right, Edith." "You can go to bed now." "But I was in bed." "How did I get down here?" "I rang, Edith." "I rang the bell, and you answered it." "Did I drop off?" "Do you think it's my concussion?" "Now off you go, Edith." "Thank you very much." "Thank you very much indeed." "Oh, sir, whatever for?" "Oh, sir!" "Well, what on earth did she mean by that?" "Golly!" "What a night." "I'm ready to drop in my tracks." "I'm deeply grateful to you, Madame Arcati." "I don't know what arrangements you generally make... but I trust that you'll send in your account in due course." "Good heavens, Mr. Condomine." "It was a pleasure." "I shouldn't dream of such a thing." "Would you like to stay?" "There's a spare room, you know." "No, thanks." "Each to his own nest." "I'll pedal home in a jiffy." "It's only seven miles." "Oh, I'll collect my tackle later on." "Perhaps you'd give me the pleasure of lunching with you one day." "When you come back, I shall be delighted." "Come back?" "Take my advice, Mr. Condomine, and go away immediately." "But" " What, you don't mean " "This must be an unhappy house for you, Mr. Condomine." "There must be memories both grave and gay in every corner of it." " Also " " Also what?" "There are more things in heaven and earth, Mr. Condomine." "Just go." "Pack up your traps and go, as soon as possible." "You don't mean they might still be here?" "¿Quién sabe?" "As the Spanish say." "Hmm." "I think I will take your advice, Madame Arcati." "Thank you very much." "Well, good-bye, Mr. Condomine." "It's been fascinating." "From first to last, fascinating." "Oh, don't bother to see me out." "I can find my way." "Cheerio once more." "And good hunting." "Ruth?" "Elvira?" "Are you there?" "Yes, I know darn well you are there." "I just want to tell you there's no use your hanging around any longer... because I'm going away." "I'm going a long way away." "Somewhere where I don't believe you'll be able to follow me." "I don't believe ghosts can travel over water." "Is that quite clear, my darlings?" "You said in one of your more acid moments, Ruth... that I'd been hagridden all my life." "How right you were." "But now I'm free, Ruth dear... not only of Elvira and Mother and Mrs. Winthrop-Llewellyn... but free of you too." "And I should like to take this farewell opportunity... of saying that I'm enjoying it immensely." "Oh." "Thank you." "You were very silly, Elvira, to think I didn't know all about you and Captain Bracegirdle." "I did." "And what you didn't realize was that I was extremely attached to Paula Westlake at the time." "Good-bye for the moment, my dears." "I expect we're bound to meet again one day, but until we do..." "I'm going to enjoy myself as I've never enjoyed myself before."