"Hey. looking good." "I'm having an insect invasion." "New York roaches are getting way too bold." "I just found one wearing a pair of my shoes." "Look at you two." "with the cologne and the tightness." " Where are you going?" " This new club downtown." "Yeah. it's where the old club downtown used to be." "Oh. oh. great!" "Okay. just gimme two minutes." "Both:" "Ooh!" "What "Ooh?" I love gay bars." "I always go to gay bars." "There's not a gay bar in town I haven't been to with you guys." "Okay. just figured out what why I'm alone and dateless on a Saturday night." "You have a boyfriend." "Call Josh." "No. he'll just want to see some chick flick and then talk about it." "I wanna-- I wanna go with you guys." "No." "I'm sorry." "We're having a meeting of the He-Man Woman Hater's Club." "No girls aloud." "Right." "Spanky?" "Me. too. neither." "Hmmph." "Fine." "I don't need you two to have fun." "I have a big night planned." " Ant traps are under the kitchen sink." " Thanks." "Uh." "Val?" "Hey." "Hi." "Oh." "I'm sorry." "I was just doing a little some-- something for the security camera." "Little gift for the boys in the basement." "Shut up." "I do the same thing." "I hate to disappoint you both." "but that's not a security camera." "that's a smoke detector." " Val. do you know Jack?" " No." "Val. the lunachick who got in a catfight with Grace and tore her clothes off?" "Speaking." " I am such a big fan of your work." " Ooh. thank you." "Thank you." "Hey. you guys want to go have a cookout on my fire escape." " 'cause I got a new hibachi?" " Ooh. tempting." "No. we're going to a club." " Oh. really?" " It's all you can eat after midnight." " I didn't know they served food." " They don't." "Well." "I guess I'm the only loser with nothing to do on a Saturday night then." "Get off. get off. get off!" " And then there were two." " Nighty-night." " Hey." " Val?" " Long time no see." " Yeah." "I" " I think the last time I saw you." "you were smashing my face into the carpet." "Well. it looks like that burn above your eye went away." "Actually." "I just stopped plucking in that area." " I just got ditched by two gay guys." " Oh my God!" "Me too." " Really?" " Yeah." "Hey. well. do you want to kill bugs and watch infomercials?" "I'm wearing pointed shoes." "You're on!" " Really?" " Yeah." "Oh. good." "I like your hat." "I got one in faux fur." "( theme music playing )" "Oh my God." "They're pulling her whole face off." " Ew. ew. ew!" " Oh." "I love this show." "Can you imagine doing that to your face?" "I would never do plastic surgery." "It's gross." "I know." "It's so demeaning." " Pathetic." " Totally." "I might do my eyes." "Well. sure." "That's medical." "I'm also thinking of getting a butt lift." "Not surgical. just pay some guy to walk behind me and carry it." "If I'm not married by the time I'm 35." "I'm doing my boobs." "That's not medical." "Sure. it is." "I want to marry a doctor." "My ex-husband wanted me to get a boob job." "and so I got rid of him." "Well. that and the fact that he was sleeping with his dental hygienist." "Why is it always the hygienist?" "What is it?" "Is it the white uniforms?" "The latex gloves?" "I think it's because they're whores." "Well. hey." "Lady La-La." "What are you doing in here?" "Oh." "Stan's been socking down the herbal Viagra again." "and this is the only room in the house he doesn't know about." "Shh." "Karen. guess what?" "Tonight I met the one-- the man I want to spend the rest of my life with." "Hey!" "There is only one man in your life." "and her name is Rosario and don't you forget that." "His name is Bill." "look." "And he gave me a picture of himself." "Isn't that a great idea?" "I'm gonna start passing out pictures of myself to people I meet at clubs." "Honey." "did you even read this?" "Well." "I read the picture." "And it said. "Mommy." "Mommy." "gimme some of Jack." Ah!" "He is the head of some group called "Welcome Back Home."" "Well." "I'm sure it's a typo." "He must mean. "Welcome Back." "Homo."" ""It's never too late to get back on the straight and narrow"?" "Honey. this is a cult." "Yeah." "like the Moonies or the homeless." "Yes. they're trying to make gay people straight." "Good Lord." "Don't they know what that'll do to the fall line?" ""Renounce your homosexuality"?" ""Make the choice to be straight"?" ""Gay is not the way"?" "Jennifer Jason Leigh." "these people are freaks!" "Yes. and it looks like your new sweetie has turned his back on homosexuals." "and not in the good way. no." "Don't listen." "Bill is not straight." "I mean." "look at us." "Karen." "We're lovers." "Lord." "I wonder if Stan's exhausted himself on the body pillow yet." "Wait." "They're having a meeting tomorrow." "We have to go." "What this organization is advocating is morally wrong." "and it is my responsibility to shine the mirror of truth upon them." "Honey." " Okay." "I want to make out with Bill." " Okay." "Ooh. he's so cute. isn't he?" "I know." "I know. honey." "but it's a waste of time. all right?" "It's like exercise or reading to your kids." "The man thinks he's straight." "There are no straight men." "only men who haven't met Jack." "Yeah." "Well." "you can count me out." "If you think I'm gonna spend my Sunday morning with a bunch of self-loathing closet cases" " You get to be a lesbian." " Wake me by 11:00." "So." "Val. what are you doing Tuesday night?" "Tuesday night?" "Oh." "I'm going to a movie and then out to dinner." " With you. silly person!" " Oh. yay!" "Wow!" " Yay." " Wow!" "If these walls could talk." "So. how was girl's night out?" "I dunno." "I got hit on by a guy named Beverly." "which. you know. in England." "is a very common name for-- for women." " Bye." "Val." " 'Night. guys." " Bye." " Bye." "Wow." "So. no bruises." "no cuts. no torn clothing?" " What the hell happened?" " We had so much fun." "I don't think that I've laughed that hard since you and-- that's odd." "My music box is missing." "What?" "The music box my Dad gave me for my Bat Mitzvah." "Did you borrow it?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "I took it to the bar with me." "Nothing says "Hey. there" like a pop-up ballerina." "It was here." "Val even-- even commented on it." " You don't think she..." " What?" "...stole it?" "I mean. she has tried battery on you." "why not theft?" "Well." "I hope you're happy." "Thanks to you." "I didn't sleep all night." "Well." "I've got news for you. mister." "Val did not steal my music box." " She is my friend and I trust her." " Okay." "Which is why we are breaking into her apartment." "so I can prove to you that it is not there." "Great. just give me a minute to get my black leotard and suction cups and I'll meet you on the side of the building." "Hurry up." " ( door slams )" " Grace!" "Understand what you're doing?" "This is breaking and entering." "We can't go to prison." "We're too pretty." "Relax." "I'm the president of the tenant's board." "I'm allowed to go into any apartment in which I suspect a gas leak." "But you don't suspect a gas leak." "Man. you're not gonna last two minutes in the slam." "Wow!" "Now we know who's buying everything on eBay." "Okay. come on." "Let's start looking." "Man." "look at all these snow globes." ""Greetings from Times Square."" "Aw." "Grace." "look." "It's snowing on a hooker." "Okay. put the hooker down." "You're so convinced she took the music box. find it." "Actually." "Grace. you know what I'm more convinced of?" "That I don't care." "Then why would you call my friend a thief?" "I take it back." "What are you. a child?" "There's no takesies backsies." "Okay. so start looking." "It's a brown music box that plays "Hava Nagila."" "Well. you're not going to find it." "And why?" "Because Val did not take it." "( "Hava Nagila" playing )" "Well. unless you've been using musical suppositories." "I think we've found it." "Oh." "God!" "Hey." " Surprise!" " Surprise!" "What are you two doing here?" "Um. uh-- we thought you had a gas leak." "Then why do you yell surprise?" "Well. we didn't say it was a nice surprise." "My Lord." "look at these people." "Just because they stopped being gay doesn't mean that they have to stop having taste." "Look. there he is." "There's Bill." "Jack:" "lsn't he dreamy?" "Yeah. he's a slice of ice cream cake." "When do I get to French kiss a girl?" "Come on. come on." "Patience." "Clarice." "The best way for me to get close to Bill is to act like a straight guy." "That way I can win him over and release his inner homo." "I haven't seen this many closet cases since the Academy Awards." "Well. hello." "You must be the newcomers." "I'm Kevin." "and this is my wife Jodie." "We're one of Welcome Back Home's biggest success stories." "Four years and counting." "Can you believe that we actually used to be gay?" "What?" "You two?" "I'm plotzing." "Help yourself to the buffet." "Forget what you think you know about corned beef hash." "And try the deviled eggs." "My Kevin made 'em." "They're world famous." "My secret is chopped scallions." "Honey. was that two men or two women?" "Jack!" "You're here." "Oh my God. it's Bill." " Take it out of the head voice." " Oh my God. it's Bill." "Jack." "I'm so proud of you for coming." "As a former gay man myself." "I know how difficult it can be to take that first step." "Welcome back home." "Uh. dude." "I came home a long time ago." "Uh. this is Karen." "the old ball and chain." "I used to dig chicks." "Hah!" "Yeah." "Oh. well. welcome back home to you. too." "I'm sorry. when I saw you at the bar last night." "I assum" "Oh. no-no." "I was just trying to get my bud." "Will." "back on the straight and narrow again. yeah." "He's a big fat flamer!" "He's in love with me. so-- me." "I like the ladies." "Right. babe?" "Wow." "Wow. that is just a beautiful thing to see." " Isn't being married great?" " Yeah." "Is there anything better?" "Yeah. riding on the back of a Harley with Angelina Jolie." "Oh!" "That's why I brought her in." " See. she needs a tune-up." " Yeah." " Rrmm. rrmm!" " Ah. party on!" "Well. that's what we're here for." "to support you in your new life." " Girls. we got a slider." " What's that?" "Come on." "Karen." "You're just in time for the make-up seminar." " We're all gonna get cheekbones." " Oh. well. that's nice. honey." "And. uh... when are we gonna learn about bras?" "Well. well. well." "Alone at last." "In a heterosexual straight kind of way. you know?" "So. yeah." "you want to watch the game?" "What game?" "You know. foot-- skipball?" " I'm back." " We missed you." " I hope you like Sunny D." " I Sunny do." "Oh. wait a sec." "Ah. that's for you." "For you." "Are you gonna...?" "Okay." "Val." "I-- I don't know how to say this. but... where did you get the... snow globes?" "They belonged to my ex-husband." "He loved them more than anything." "So. naturally." "I made sure that I got them in the settlement." "So you sort of got him by the globes." "I squeezed 'em real tight and I shook 'em. shook 'em. shook 'em!" "Yeah." "Globes are fun." "You know what else I love?" "This music box. where'd you get that?" "Oh." "I got that with-- with a big kitty." "they came as a set." " How long have you had it?" " Oh. for like forever." "Oh. what's it play?" "This old Irish song that I love." " Sweet." "Can I hear it?" " Sure." "Gosh and begorra." "gosh and begorra" "Gosh and begorra." "my Irish eyes" "It's "Hava Nagila!"" "It's not an Irish song!" "It's an ancient Hebrew song about... something Jewish!" "My dad gave this to me for my Bat Mitzvah." "You stole it!" "Grace." "I am hurt." "How can you say something like that?" "Read the back." "Is your Hebrew name Rachel?" "Give it to me." " No. it's mine!" " It's mine!" " It's mine!" "It's mine!" " Hey. hey!" "All right!" "Can we take a breath. okay?" "God. you two." "I swear." "when you get together." "I know what it must be like to be the father of" " Get off me!" " Come on." "Grace-- oh!" "My globes." "What a great play." "Up high." "See. before. when I was gay." "that high five might have sent a tingle up my thigh straight to my home entertainment center." "But now that I'm straight." "it's just a couple of guys celebrating the ball doing something good." "Exactly." "Welcome Back Home teaches that physical contact between two men is okay." "as long as there's nothing behind it." " That's us. right?" " Sure." "Yeah." "( grunting )" "How do you do it." "ladies?" "How do you stay straight with so many fine looking chicks around?" "Well. we try and keep our love life fresh." "so we don't do it that often." "Oh. you're lucky." "Jack just wants it all the time." "And I want to please him." "but" " I don't know." "Whenever we're making love." "I just can't stop thinking about..." "Rosario." " Who?" " She's our maid." "but she's so much more!" "Yeah. whenever I see her up on a stepladder dusting." "my eyes just travel up those thin supple calves to those thick." "trunk-like thighs." "I just-- oh." "I should stop." " No. go on." " ( all talking )" " Hey. that was a great game." " Yeah. so. want to hit the showers?" " What?" " You know." "like they're doing." "Jack." "I don't think that's appropriate." "Whaddya talk?" "It's just a couple of naked straight guys soaping each other down." "Okay." "I" " I have to say something here." "The backslapping and the head rubbing was one thing." "but the ear blowing and the butterfly kisses are not standard NBA practice." "And now this shower thing?" "What do you imply?" "You're coming on to me." "What?" "I am shocked and appalled!" "But are you interested?" "You think that you can just come in here and use this group." "this group that puts people back on the path of righteousness." "as some kind of dating service?" "I just need a yes or no." "No." "And I want to make something crystal clear to you and to everyone else in this room." "Excuse me. we are here to lead normal. heterosexual lives." "Man and woman are meant to be together." "So anyone here who has a misguided notion that Welcome Back Home is some kind of a-- a gay pick-up joint." "you can just leave right now." "Well." "look at 'em go." "I haven't seen a stampede like this since Pamplona." "Oh!" "Oh my God." "listen to me." "I'm a funny lesbian." "I'm Ellen." "As long as it's a heterosexual soap down." "Attagirl." "I'm so sorry I kicked you" " that second time." " Yeah." " But you did get in the way." " I know." "It's my fault." "I should know to wear a sports cup around you two." " Can I ask one small question?" " Yeah." "I would alternate ice and heat on them until the feeling comes back." "Different question." "Why did you bend over backwards defending this woman." " when it was so clear that" " I know." "I know." "I know." "She was fun." "And I need more women in my life-- besides you." "It was big of you to forgive her." "I thought the hug was a nice touch." "Screw forgiveness." "When she was hugging me." "I stole her watch." "Grace. you crafty little-- okay. this is my watch." "( theme music playing )"