"(CAT PURRS, MEOWS)" "(FAST, LIVELY FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYING)" "(SCREAMS)" "(GIGGLES)" " (PUSS YOWLING)" " El Gato!" "(YOWLS)" " (SWORDS CLANGING) - (THIEVES GROWLING)" "(PUSS GRUNTING)" "Villains." "You think you can beat Puss in Boots?" "(GRUNTING)" "Honestly?" "Not really... (SHOUTS)" "I would've run away already but I'm afraid you'll stab me in the butt." "(CHUCKLES, GRUNTS)" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "Now, let us see what they have." "Oh." "What is this?" "A storybook about me?" "This can only be a wonderful thing and in no way menacing." "(PUSS SHOUTS)" "(GRUNTING)" "Okay, maybe a little menacing." "(MALE VOICE) Once upon a time, a cat was trapped in a book." "Hello?" "Where are you?" "I am everywhere. (VOICE ECHOES)" "You may call me... the Storyteller." "Did you say I'm trapped in a book?" "Yes." "And in this book, I control everything." "Almost." "For I am compelled by Eldritch forces beyond my Ken to offer some choices to you." "Choices that affect your destiny." "I am not following you." "(STORYTELLER SIGHS)" "It means that sometimes I'm going to let you choose what will happen." "Ah." "And now your first choice." "Choose now!" "Will you fight a god, or would that be rather odd?" "If so, perhaps you'd rather be in pitched battle with a tree?" "Huh?" "Are you kidding?" "Why would I choose to fight a god?" "You choose to fight a god?" "So be it." "What?" "!" "Who are you, Storyteller?" "I must know." " I must know your true identity." " I'll never tell." "Wait, I have to fight a god?" "What if I do not want to?" "(GRUNTING)" "You have no choice." "(GRUNTS) Huh?" "(THUDDING)" "But, Taranis, we are friends!" "Taranis will not listen to your lying talk-words." "We fight now, little fox." "Fox?" "I am clearly a cat." "Taranis apologizes." "(GRUNTING)" "Ha. (GASPS)" "(PUSS GRUNTING)" "I have your magic wheel." "Whoa. (GRUNTS)" "Oh, no." "Without it, I am powerless." "(PUSS GRUNTING)" "I know." "(PURRING)" "(SCREAMING)" "Ow!" "(GRUNTING)" "Curse you, cat-fox." "(WHIRRING)" "(PUSS GRUNTING)" "Curse you!" "(ECHOING)" "I am calling that a victory." "I cannot be beaten." "Oh, no?" "You will see, Puss in Boots, that you are at the mercy of my whims." "And the only way to escape from this book in which you've found yourself so disastrously trapped..." " Yes?" " Is..." "Yes?" "To get to... the end!" "The end?" "The end." "I accept your challenge, Storyteller." "STORYTELLER:" "So, Puss in Boots, will you with a giant talk, or will you now be Goldilocks?" "How can I possibly make such a difficult decision?" "I do not want to wear that wig." "But that giant, he looks somehow familiar." "I'm going to say this very clearly." " I choose the giant." " Your choice is made." "(PUSS SIGHS)" " TOBY:" "Fee, fi, fo, fum!" " (RUMBLING)" "I smell a cat and I want some gum." "Toby, why are you a giant?" "Who is this Toby?" "I am a fearsome giant." "I have stepped on so many people." "Not always on purpose." "Sometimes it's just, like, "oops," and they go "squish"!" "Anyway, I want gum!" "(GRUNTS) Fiendish." "This Storyteller uses my own friends to populate his diabolical world." "Apparently, he's too lazy to come up with new characters." "STORYTELLER:" "It's not laziness, it's recycling." "I said I want gum!" "(ECHOING)" "(PUSS GRUNTING)" "I am afraid I have no gum, but there may be a peppery-mint in here somewhere." "But I must warn you, things stored in my hat tend not to remain at the peak of freshness for..." "(GRUNTS)" "(STRAINED) Perhaps the other choice would have been better." "Can we go back?" "STORYTELLER:" "Yes." "I grant you a Goldilocks do-over." "Thank you." "But this does not mean we are friends." "Understood." "Hmm." "Ah-ha!" "This is the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears." "I have but to go through the events of this story and I will reach the end." "Easy-peasy, ham and cheesy." "(GROANS)" "Too hot." "(SHUDDERS) Too cold." "Ah." "Just right." "Too tall." "Too wide." "Just right." "(GRUNTING)" "Oh, no, it broke." "(GRUNTING)" "Too hard." "Too soft." "Just right." "Then I go to sleep in this bed and await the arrival of the adorable family of bears..." "Papa Bear, Mama Bear and Baby Bear." "Nothing could be more simpler." "(DOOR OPENS)" "(GROWLING)" " (SHOUTS)" " STORYTELLER:" "Hold it!" "You have another choice to make." "Should these bears be friends or foes?" "Make your choice and let me know." "PUSS:" "This seems like a trick question." "Friends..." "Did you say "foes"?" "I said "friends."" "I know." "Just kidding." "Your choice is made." "Well, hello, there!" "We've got company!" "Is that a friend for me to play with?" "Howdy there, amigo. (LAUGHS)" "Samuel T. Bearinger." " My wife, Gladys." "She's a peach." " Who's my cuddle bunny?" "(EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)" " Oh, you simply must play with Sam Junior." " (GROANS)" "Hello, friend for me to play with." "We gonna play horsey rides." "Do not make me the horsey." "You the horsey!" "(PUSS GRUNTING)" " Horsey ride!" " So, how was traffic?" "Oh, not bad." "I picked up those acorns you wanted." "That's nice." "You know, Madeleine stopped by today." "Is her hip better?" "Why are you so interested in Madeleine?" "Nothing." "(PUSS SCREAMING, GRUNTS)" "(GROANS)" "(YOWLS)" "Ah." "Kitty don't wanna play no more?" "STORYTELLER:" "I think I'd also like to see the angry bears." "PUSS:" "What?" "(ROARING)" "(PUSS SHOUTS, GRUNTS)" " (ROARING) - (YOWLS)" "(PUSS GRUNTING)" "(ROARS)" "Oh, my... (FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYING)" "BEARS:" "Mmm?" "(PUSS GROANING)" "Ah-ha!" "(PUSS YOWLS)" "Huh?" "Ha-ha!" "(GASPS)" "(GROWLING)" "STORYTELLER:" "You know, I think I'd also like to see an interpretive dance." "PUSS:" "What?" "(SLOW CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)" "PUSS:" "What is this?" "What are we doing?" "I am not even in this." "I kinda like that." "STORYTELLER:" "Obviously I am just messing with you." "I'm sorry, was that not clear?" "PUSS:" "Ugh." "Fine." "I will watch their ridiculous dancing." "But this must be just as painful for you as it is for me." "STORYTELLER:" "Ugh, you're right." "I didn't think this through." "PUSS:" "Oh." "This part is actually pretty good." "I like that." "Well, surely that is it." "You'll let me go now." "Yes?" "STORYTELLER:" "What?" "No." "This is a book of stories, plural." "You have to get to the end of all the stories to get out." " Oh, no." " Oh, yes." "Who are you, villain?" "I must know." "You will never find out." "I will." "And I will escape from your book." "This I swear!" "(STORYTELLER CHUCKLES) Yes, we'll see about that." "Uh-huh." "Here comes another story now." "And whatever you choose, this one won't be so easy." "Two tales you must choose between..." "Pirate Cat or Evil Queen." "Ooh." "Pirate stuff." "It is just the best!" "There is no way I am going to choose the Evil Queen." "I heard you say "choose the Evil Queen." So be it." "No!" "I did not." "Your choice is made." "(SIGHS)" "The prince!" "The prince is here to awaken Snow White." "Uh..." "I see." "I am the prince." "Thank you." "Hmm..." "You are less tall than usual." "Are you Dwarves?" "Should there not be seven?" "Don't believe everything you hear in the lame-stream media, man." "I know this story." "I kiss Snow White, she awakens and we are married." "The end." "(YOWLS, GRUNTS)" "No, no, no." "She despises me." "I will not kiss her." "Not even to escape this vile book." "So you condemn her to eternal slumber?" "What a big meanie." "(ALL SHOUTING) Meanie!" "Big meanie!" "I am not going to kiss her." "No way, no how." "STORYTELLER:" "We'll see about that." "It's choice time." "Harken now, your choice is this..." "Evil Queen or Awkward kiss?" "Even though Señora Zapata despises me," "I cannot leave her trapped in that coffin." "I must kiss her and set her free." "Your choice is made." "Let us do this!" "(PUSS GRUMBLING)" "Fine." "(GRUNTS)" "I will do the kissing." "But that does not mean we are getting married." "(GROANS)" "(HEART BEATING RAPIDLY)" " (PUSS YOWLS)" " My hero!" "We are getting married!" "(GRUNTS)" " PUSS:" "Whoa!" " (GIGGLING)" "Oh, darn." "(BELL TOLLING)" "STORYTELLER:" "And so, with that, madame and cat were well and truly wed." "They named their children Marla, Milton, Blanca, Frank and Ted." "(FARTS)" "A house of stone they called their own, and there they laid their heads." "And here they'll stay for all their days together till they're dead." "PUSS:" "Wait, what?" "That's right, Puss in Boots." "You will remain with her for all eternity." "(STORYTELLER LAUGHING)" "Maybe, we could go back and try the other choice?" "Pretty please?" "I will take pity on you, Puss in Boots." "(GRUNTING)" "Kissing Señora Zapata was a disaster of epic proportions." "I will find the Evil Queen who cursed Snow White and make her reverse the curse." "(CHUCKLES)" "Reverse the curse." "Reverse the curse." "This is fun to say." "But, wait." "How will I find this Evil Queen?" "STORYTELLER:" "Uh, leave that to me. (CLEARS THROAT)" "And so, after months of searching..." "Ah, a shortcut." "Prince Puss found the Evil Queen." "(SCREAMS, GRUNTS)" "THE DUCHESS:" "I'm just saying maybe we could occasionally have a conversation about something other than who's the fairest." "Like, I don't know, art, music?" "Silence!" "(GASPS)" "Dulcinea is evil?" "You have gone too far, Storyteller." "Magic mirror over there, who's the fairest of the fair?" "Ugh!" "So we're doing this routine again, are we?" "Yes, we are." "Because I am vain as well as evil!" "I know, I know." "DULCINEA:" "I'm so evil." "Like, really evil." "I'm so evil I don't even have my book." "Yes, whatever, fine." "Of course you're the fairest of the fair." "You're always..." "Ay, chihuahua." "Mama like." "What?" "THE DUCHESS:" "Fairest art thou not, forsooth." "Not pretty as that cat in boots." "We say "handsome."" "(GIGGLING)" "(DULCINEA GROWLS)" "You must be destroyed!" "(GRUNTING, PANTING)" "(SCREAMING)" "I do not want to hurt you. (GRUNTS)" "You're not going to." "Demon wing and hangman's tree, let there now a dragon be." "No matter how bad a day is, it can always get worse." "(GROANS)" " (ROARING) - (GRUNTS)" "(GASPING)" "Aw, is the pretty kitty in trouble?" "Handsome!" "(GROWLING)" "You're pathetic!" "You should just go live in a barn and catch mice." "How did you know my retirement plans?" "(GROWLING)" "You are nothing but a sad little kitten with an adorable accent and tacky boots." "No one speaks ill of my boots!" "(GRUNTING, SHOUTS)" "No!" "(GASPS)" "No!" "You!" "What have you done?" "That mirror was the source of all my power." "It's not right." "You're fairer than me so you have to die!" "Pay no attention to the words of the magic mirror, Dulcinea." "You, my dear, are the fairest I have ever seen." "Aww." "STORYTELLER:" "What a lovely moment." "(SIGHS) This guy." "Am I right?" "Tell me about it." "Who is he, anyway?" "I do not know." "But I will find out." "This I swear!" "Not likely, me Bucko." "And now, I think it's time to give you a choice." "Will you kiss the Evil Queen, or would a handshake be more keen?" "Well, the handshake would be more gentlemanly." "Uh..." "But, no." "A kiss." "A kiss would make a better story." "Very well." "Before we do this, there are some things you should know." "Yes?" "Yes. (CHUCKLES) Eh..." "First, I ate some blue cheese earlier today, so I apologize for my breath." "Second, I am real and you are not." "What makes you think you're real?" "I think I am real, therefore I am real." "I... think?" "Stop wasting those lips on words." "(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)" "♪ There's a cat So much in love that ♪" " ♪ A rainbow tickles his toes ♪ - (BOTH CHEERING)" " ♪ A lucky kitten ♪ - (BOTH LAUGHING)" "♪ Solidly smitten ♪" "♪ Flying and sighing ♪" "♪ He goes ♪" " ♪ La, la, la, la-la-la ♪ - (SIGHS)" " ♪ La-la-la ♪ - (CHUCKLES)" "This must be the end of the tale, no?" "I mean, we had a romantic kiss, and you cannot get any more ending-y than that." "STORYTELLER:" "No, of course this isn't the end." " What?" " (STORYTELLER LAUGHING)" ""The end."" "Why am I laughing?" "This isn't funny." "That was only the end of this story." "There will be another and another and another, forever!" "(GROWLS)" "(SPUTTERS, COUGHS)" "(BLEATING)" "No!" "No Little Bo Peep." "I have had enough of you, Storyteller." "Whoever you are, I am going to get you!" "(STORYTELLER LAUGHING)" "Oh!" "Oh, no." "Oh, no." "I hope you don't hit my disembodied voice with your stick." "Show yourself. (GRUNTS) I demand it!" "Whoa!" "(GROANS)" "(GRUNTING, SHOUTS)" "What?" "STORYTELLER:" "Oh, uh..." "Don't bother looking in there." "It's nothing." "You..." "Wait a minute, this is just a painting." "What is this place?" "Well, well, so you've found me, Puss in Boots." "And now you know that I am..." "Fartholomew Fishflinger!" "(LAUGHING)" "It has been you this whole time?" "But you sounded so different." "Mm-hmm." "I can sound like anyone." "(GIGGLES)" "PUSS:" "I am a fancy-pants cat and I think I am better than everyone." "(PUSS GROWLS)" "DULCINEA:" "I'm a goody-two-shoes and I don't know my book is dumb." "(GIGGLES, CLEARS THROAT)" "(MIMICS MALE VOICE) Uh, I'm Steve and I smell like old dumplings." "Uh..." "Okay, if you knew Steve, that was so totally him. (GIGGLES)" "Wait, when we last fought, you had turned from a mouse into a disembodied soul." " Why are you back in mouse form?" " Oh, I'm so glad you asked. (GIGGLES)" "It all began months ago." "As my soul floated up from San Lorenzo," "I saw before me a..." "Hey, wait." "Do you really care, or are you asking out of politeness?" " Politeness." "En Garde!" " (YELLS)" "(GRUNTING)" "Oh, you should have stayed in the story." "Think of what fun it would have been." "It was no fun at all." "I was maimed and beaten in every way imaginable." "Oh, I didn't say fun for you." "(LAUGHING)" "(GRUNTING)" "(GROANING)" "(LAUGHING)" "PUSS:" "Ah-ha!" "Just as Dulcinea's power came from her mirror, your power comes from your pen." "What?" "Uh, no, it doesn't." "This story is over!" "(SCREAMING)" "Hmm?" "Hmm?" "Uh-oh." "No!" "(SQUEAKING)" " (PUSS GRUNTING) - (SCREAMS)" "We will meet again, Puss in Boots." "(LAUGHS) You can count on it." "(GRUNTS, GROWLS)" "Huh?" "(PUSS SCREAMS)" "Some stories are best left unread." "(WHISTLES)" "Ooh!" "The Adventures of Puss in Boots." "Hmm." "Never heard of him, but this could be interesting." "(SCREAMING)" "(FAST, LIVELY FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYING)"