"Joe:" "Happy Birthday, Mel." "Wow, something smells good." "I think I'm having a nose-gasm." "Oh... oh... achoo!" "Okay, is the birthday girl ready to start her special day?" "Yes, she is!" "Okay, here we go, here we go." "And Happy Birthday." "Cake for breakfast!" "Cake for breakfast!" "Did you make a wish?" "Yes, but it already came true... cake for breakfast!" "It is the most important meal of the day, honey." "You have all your food groups covered right there." "I mean it's got, you know, your frosting group." "It has the white flour group." "And." "Of course, the most important of all..." "The candle group." " Is it wrong to suck the frosting off?" " Yes." "Eh, too bad." "It's my birthday, I can do whatever I want." "Aw, I have the most wonderful husband in the whole world." "He bakes me a fancy cake, he..." "Wait, where's my present?" "Do you want it now?" "Or do you want to save it for later?" "Present now!" "Present now!" "Okay, alright, hold on." " Here it is." " Ooh!" "Joe:" "Ooh!" "Oh!" "It's one of these... things." "What is this?" " Well, honey, that is a..." " Oh, no, no, wait!" "don't tell me." "Is it a waitress taser?" "You know, they're about to take your food away and you're like, "wait, I'm note done with that yet!"" "(Taser sound)" "No, no it's not..." "Oh, is it one of those new Swedish corkscrews?" "I saw it on Good Morning America." "You know, it's called the Grrgle." "Yeah, let's test it out." "Because the only thing better than cake for breakfast is wine for breakfast!" "Honey, honey, come here look, I'm just gonna tell you." "Okay, that right there, is a lifehammer." "A life who?" "It's a lifehammer." "You keep that in your car, alright?" "And if there's an emergency, like say, you know, your car plunges off the road into a lake because you were putting on makeup instead of driving with this little thing right here you can cut the seatbelt" "and then you can smack open the window with that and you can escape." "It's cool, huh?" "Aw, I love it!" "Now give me my real gift so I can us my lifehammer to cut the ribbon." "No, that is the real present." "Look, honey, I love you." "You know?" "And if you were ever in a horrible, horrible accident, I'd want you to survive." "You know, no one has ever cared enough about me to buy me a lifehammer." "That was really thoughtful, Joe." "It is." "So thoughtful." "Thank you." "I can't wait to be trapped under water." "(Theme music playing)" " ♪ It's all good ♪ - ♪  all good  ♪" " ♪ it's okay ♪ - ♪  okay  ♪" " ♪ it's all right ♪ - ♪  all right  ♪" "♪ as far as I can see ♪" " ♪ it's all good ♪ - ♪ all good ♪" " ♪ it's okay ♪ - ♪  okay  ♪" " ♪ it's all right ♪ - ♪  all right  ♪" "♪ I guess you're stuck ♪" "♪ with me ♪" "I'm so glad you like it." "I paid extra to have one with the floral pattern on it." "I got one, too." "You do?" "Yeah, I do." "Well, I have the executive lifehammer." "It's leather, with brass accents and a laser pointer on it." "So now, you and I, we are the safest couple that I know." "Yeah." "Yep." "You know, safety is what every new bride dreams of." "Because better than diamonds... is safety." "You bet it is!" "Now if you'll excuse me I have to go get sweaty with a guy in a garage." "That sounded really weird." "I have to go train a client." " See ya." " See you." "Aw, what's the matter?" "I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but this is the worst gift I've ever gotten." "I mean, we're barely married and this is how Joe sees me?" "Not as his hot sexy wife, but as someone the police diver is looking for." "I wouldn't get too upset about it." "There might be something else later." "Oh what?" "A tool belt?" "A fire extinguisher?" "A carbon monoxide detector?" "Oh no, wait, that's the fifth anniversary gift." "All I'm saying is, this is just the beginning of your birthday." "Hold on, Missy." "What does that mean?" "What?" "Nothing." "All I'm saying is that your birthday goes all day." "And in to the night." "Ooh... you know something." " I've got to get to class." " No, no, no, hold on!" "Sit down, you're not going anywhere, sister!" "Sister?" "Missy?" "You know I don't like nicknames." "What is my real gift, Lenny-penny?" "And don't bother lying because you have a "tell."" " What's a "tell"?" " Every time you lie, your nose twitches." " No, it doesn't." " Yes, it does." "Alright, so, spill it!" "What's my real gift?" "Uh... (Sighs)" "I promised somebody I wouldn't say anything about anything." "Well, tell that to your twitching nose." "Spill it!" "What do you know?" "Nothing, nothing." "Then why are you covering your nose and avoiding eye contact?" "I am not." "I'm looking right in the corner of your eye, where you still have a little bit of sleep." "No, that's frosting." "Come on, is it a plane ticket?" "Will I need to pack a bikini or a parka?" "Swim fins or stilettos?" "Oh, this is exciting." "It's like a little game show!" "Okay, calm down." "Look, I cant tell you what your gift is because it would totally betray Joe's trust." " But..." " Oh, good, there's a "but." Go on!" "Okay." "If you guess, I will nod." "That way I can say truthfully that I didn't tell you." "Okay, let's see... it's probably something I've hinted that I want." " Which is anything shiny." " I look good in shiny." "Ooh, ooh!" "Is it the Harry Winston bracelet that" "Angelina Jolie wore last year to the Oscars?" "Try to keep your guesses in the under-one-million-dollar range." "Hey, I can't help it if I have expensive taste." "Ooh, is it the Birkin bag I saw on" "Gwyneth Paltrow that would look so much better on me because she is just too skinny and it makes her head look huge?" "Okay, I don't have all day." "Would you please just guess a custom-made wedding ring?" "Shut up!" "Is it a custom-made wedding ring?" "How'd you guess?" " Where did he hide it?" " Whoa, stop that!" "You can't say anything to Joe." "You don't know anything about this." "Oh, of course." "I'll act surprised." "I'm good at this." "Watch." "(Gasps) Joe, I love it!" "See, I even squeezed out a little tear." " No, that's frosting." " Oh!" "Even better." "Hey!" "Hey, it's the birthday girl." "How was work?" "Wonderful." "I was showered in birthday love and..." "Cake for lunch!" "No, you know, I was thinking." "Rather than me cooking an amazing meal for you tonight why don't we do something different?" "I'll take you out for your birthday." "I thought we could try that new Thai place." "I love you." "I love you." "I love you." "You're the most wonderful man in the whole world!" "And I love my underwater hammer." "I just love everything about you." " You told her." " I did not." "Technically." "Lennox!" "She just guessed that she was getting a ring, okay?" "She's a really good guesser." "She guessed that all on her own?" "Really?" "I am not taking questions at this time." "Don't be mad at Lennox." "She resisted for close to thirty seconds." "Well, I was going to give it to you tonight, but okay, fine, I can give it to you now." "I mean, it's been right in front of you all week." "Oh, how did I miss it?" "Because I hid it between leaves of kale." "The last place I would ever look!" "Genius!" "You know, I have my moments." "Mmm... velveteen." "Like petting a fancy little puppy." "Yeah." "Well, you know, honey, I felt really bad when we got married and you didn't have a super nice wedding ring." "That just didn't seem right to me." "So!" "I designed this and had it made for you." "Joe, it's..." "So..." " So..." " I know." "I've been working with a professional jeweler for the last couple of months on this thing." "So that you would have a ring like no one else's." "Well, I definitely have one of those now." "Yeah, you see, honey..." "The moon, there, represents you." "Right, you're mysterious and seductive." "The sun represents me, brilliant and powerful." "And the tide, right here, represents the never-ending rhythm of our love." "Wow." "It's like a meaning jambalaya." "It is." "It was a lot of pressure coming up with something like this." "I mean, something that you were gonna wear every day for the rest of your life." "Oh, Joe, I love it." "I love it so much." "Oh, Lennox, I hate it." "I hate it so much." "I'd rather wear the lifehammer." "What do I do?" "I'm trapped." "Now I have to wear this hideous thing forever." " Come on, the ring's not so bad." " Really?" "Have you seen it up close?" "Yeah, what's going on with this thing?" "It's gold, it's platinum..." "And what is that metal right there?" "Is that wrought iron?" "It's like a little jail for my knuckle." "Joe doesn't know me at all." "I love Joe, but I gotta say..." "I hate this ring." "Well, you hated Joe at first." "So, really, when you think about it, that ring is a great symbol for your relationship." "Come on, Joe poured his heart and soul into this." "Yeah, and his liver and his pancreas and the kitchen sink." "What do I do?" "I don't know." "If you tell him you don't like it, it's really going to hurt his feelings." " I know..." " I thought you liked surprises." "Yeah." "Good surprises." "You know, like finding money in an old pair of pants." "Not rings that make it look like I won the Super Bowl of blech." "Come on, Aunt Mel, just wear the ring, for Joe." "Yeah, I know, you're right." "I can do it." "I can lie." "I can lie everyday for the rest of my life." "That's how much I love Joe." "Yeah." "You know what?" "In this light it doesn't look half bad." "It's unique." "It makes a strong statement, it has a beauty all of it's own." "See, it's growing on you already." "Ha!" "Fooled you!" "If there was an Oscar for best real life acting..." "It's called lying, Aunt Mel." "I'd like to thank the academy." "But not really." "Boom, that's two." "All right I'm ready to go out for my Happy Birthday dinner." "Hey, hey, I am ready too." "Almost, your tie is crooked." "Oh." "Hey, you're not wearing the ring." "Well, yeah, it's just so new." "And so... expressive." "And I wanted to save it for a special occasion." "Isn't your birthday a special occasion?" "Yeah, you're right." "I don't know what I was thinking." "Yeah, there it is." "Look at that!" "Twenty-four carats of love, baby." "Yeah, and if some guy tries to mug us in the parking lot, one punch with this diamond studded bad boy and he's out cold." "(Laughs)" "I'm so happy you like it, honey." "I mean, I have to admit, I'm pretty relieved." "I was nervous, 'cause I've never designed jewelry before." "Get out!" "I never would have guessed." "Yeah, well, I just really wanted to create something beautiful that, you know, would just make you happy." " Well, you outdid yourself, Joe." " So you really love it, huh?" "Yes." "Yeah, you know, it makes a strong statement." "And it has a beauty all of it's own." "And is unlike anything I have ever seen before." "That's so sweet." "Come here." "So go on." "What's your favorite part?" "My favorite part?" "Well, you know, I wouldn't want to pick a favorite part because that just wouldn't be fair to all of the other awesome parts." "They would just feel bad about themselves." "Well, that's okay." "You can just compliment all of the parts." "I can take it." "Well, okay, first..." "I like..." "What was that for?" "Well, you know, I just wanted to thank you for the ring and..." "You know, sometimes, there are no words." "Guess who delivers?" "I do." "I was thinking the Thai place, I'm gonna put in the order." "Okay, well, you do the ordering of the take out, and I will do the ordering in here." "Hey-o, that sounds good to me." "All right, here we go." "You sure you don't want any of my pancakes?" "Come one, I've never seen you turn down my pancakes before." "Oh, no, I'm still a little queasy from the Thai food last night." "I probably should have stopped eating when I found the band-aid in the pad Thai." "Okay, throwing out all of the leftovers." "No, wait, but everything around the band-aid was so good." "Okay, yeah, you're probably right." "Anyway, I'll see you tonight, honey." "Hey, hey, hey." "Are you wearing the ring?" "Of course!" "I'm going to make my coworkers jealous!" " I love you." " Love you." "Crap." "(Sighs)" "Crap, crappity crap, crap." " Ooh, dibs on those pancakes." " Go ahead, your Aunt didn't want them." "So, how did everything go last night?" "You, know, actually, it really didn't go that great." "I mean, I thought I was getting something for Mel that she was really gonna love, and it turned out I was wrong and it literally made her sick." " She said that?" " Yeah." "As a matter of fact, she said that she felt so nauseous that she thought she was gonna throw up." "Because of the ring?" "No, because of the bad Thai food we..." "Why did you just say the ring?" "No reason." "You know what, I'm actually late for... not being here." "Lennox, she didn't..." "She didn't like the ring?" "Ugh!" "People should really stop telling me stuff." "It's not fair to anyone." "Especially me." "What did she say about the ring, Lennox?" "Nothing." "Nothing you'd want to hear." "Show me your nose." "Well, she might have said..." ""Oh my God, my husband doesn't know me, it's horrible."" "She said that I don't know her?" "She said it was horrible?" "No, no, no, she didn't say horrible." "She said hideous." "Thanks for telling me." "On the bright side, Aunt Mel promised to pretend to like it." "She's willing to lie to you everyday, for the rest of her life." "How sweet is that?" "No!" "Joe, I'm so sorry." "I was running the garbage disposal and it just slipped off." "I tried to turn it off, but it just kept grinding and grinding." "Until there was nothing left but sparkling beauty and thoughtful symbolism." "I can't believe it's gone." "Ooh, no, I can't do it." "Wait, yes I can." "No, I can't." "Oh!" "Why am I such a good person?" "Oh, hey, honey." "I didn't hear you come home." "Yeah, I was just washing the dirt off my birthday present." "You know, why couldn't the gang at work give me a gift card?" "Because gift cards don't get dirty and they don't die when I forget to water them." "Yeah, so, did everyone go nuts for the ring at the office there, huh?" " Did you get a lot of compliments?" " Are you kidding?" "Everyone noticed, lots of comments." "Have you posted any pics of it yet?" "No, you know how obnoxious all of those bragging selfies are." "Like, look at my ring, bitches!" "You know what, let me take a picture of it now." "No, no, no, the lighting in here isn't that great." "Oh, it's okay, honey, let's..." "Let's just get one of you showing the world exactly what you think of that ring." "You know, how much you love it because your husband really put his heart and soul into making it, you know, just to show you" "how much he loves you." "Lennox ratted me out, didn't she?" "Why do we tell her anything?" "You think I don't know you?" "You said the ring is horrible." "And then you lied to me." "I wasn't lying." "I was just trying to spare my sweet, adorable husband's feelings." "Now look, the sweet stuff's not gonna work on me." "All right?" "Look, you looked me right in the eye, Mel, and told me things that were not true." "But it was just a white lie." "A dazzling, sparkling white lie wrapped in a platinum setting that would look great with any outfit I wear." "Wait a minute." "So, you pretend to like things you don't." "Is that what you did last night when we were in bed, huh?" "When you called my name out like that?" "How do I know you weren't just screaming to make me feel better?" "I would never do that!" "Oh, come on, Mel." "You called out my middle name, twice!" "That's how good the sex was!" "I've never called out a guy's middle name before." "I don't think..." "Oh, hey, I hate to break in to this super none-of-my-business conversation but I just wanted to remind you that if you don't leave now you're going to be late to that movie that you guys were so excited to see." "Go to a movie?" "In the middle of a fight?" "I don't think so." "No, no, no, we have to go to this movie, honey." " We can see it tomorrow." " No, we have to see it tonight." "In fact, she's right, we have to leave now." "Why?" " I can't tell you." " Well, it's because..." "Nothing, I'm done saying stuff." "Okay, what is going on?" "Listen, we have to go to the movie right now." "Okay, and then we're gonna get there but we're going to be a little early for the show so, we're gonna decide to go across the street and grab a drink at the new hotel." "Where there will be sixty people hiding in a dark banquet room ready to jump out and scream "Happy Birthday!"" "A surprise party?" "Let the record show, I said nothing about the party." "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go hide in the dark with your weird friends." "Seriously?" "You planned a surprise party?" "Wait, but my birthday was yesterday." "I know!" "It was part of my strategy." "Ooh, just like the kale." "Again, genius." "Well, I've been working on it for like six months." "I love surprise parties, I've always wanted one!" "I know, I know." "Guess who I just got a text from?" "Sarah Milstein who just got off the plane." "Miltie?" "My freshman roommate?" "I love her!" "I know." "And the highlight of the evening, honey, an ice luge for the vodka bar." "An ice luge?" "You mean where the drinks go round and round and round and come out chilled at the bottom?" "Oh, I love those!" "A surprise party?" "An ice luge?" "Joe..." " You really do know me." " Yeah, well, most of the time." "All right, just hurry up and get ready so we can "go see the movie."" " We can fight later." " No, no, no." "Why would I want to fight with my thoughtful, wonderful husband?" " You really mean that?" " I do, of course I do!" "I swear on this big, ugly ring." "You don't need to be that honest." "Come on, let's get ready for my party." "There's an ice luge with my name on it." "Actually, it does have your name on it." "For real?" "This is already the best party ever!" "That was so fun and crazy!" "You know how I know?" "Because I can't remember a thing about it." "Wait, wait!" "Did Sarah Milstein skinny dip in the ice luge?" " Yes, she really did." " Classic Miltie." "I can't believe she's leaving her husband for her chiropractor." " She's what?" " Nothing." "I did not tell you that." "Good night." "I love my cute, big-mouthed niece." "That one will never be a mob wife." "Hey, how come you didn't let me take home the last of the ice luge?" "Because, honey, it was a puddle and you were drinking vodka out of a bucket." "I love bucket vodka!" "I love all vodka." "Ooh, ooh, ooh, if we get a puppy, let's name it vodka." "You sure about that?" "Not, Merlot?" "No, you're right." "You're right." "Merlot is better." " Oh." " Aw." "You know me so well." "I have the best husband in the whole world." "You threw me the best birthday party, ever!" "I mean, you really threw me off the scent with that horrible lifehammer." "That was a great decoy, right?" "No, but seriously?" "don't get rid of that thing." "'Cause it could honestly save your life one day." "And the ring?" "So freaking thoughtful!" "Yeah, no, I missed the boat with that one." " What?" " You don't have to wear it, honey." "No, I'm wearing it right now." "You... you really see a ring on that finger?" "'Cause if you do I'm..." "I'm even happier now that I just drove home." "No, I told you I'd wear it and I always keep my promises." " You're hiding it?" " No, I'm not hiding it." "I'm keeping it close to my heart." "That way if I ever need to feel the depth of your love I just go like this..." "Whooo!" "You really do know me." " Good morning." " Good morning!" " What's all this?" " This, is another special breakfast." "Because it's my birthday week?" "Oh, honey, come on, we both know you're going to be riding this birthday train for the entire month." "Oh, you're right." "You do know me." "All aboard!" "Alright, in this dining car we've got eggs Florentine." "We've got potatoes Anna." "Thank you, Anna." "Whoever you are." "And we have a Belgium waffle with creme fraiche." "Oh, say it like you're French." "(French accent) We have the Belgium waffle with the creme fraiche." "If I didn't want to jump this waffle, I'd jump you." "And to top it all of, honey, a little freshly squeezed passion fruit juice with a splash of champagne." "What?" "No cake?" "I'm kidding." "I'm kidding, so kidding." "Aw, this is wonderful!" "Yeah, there actually is a little cake left over from yesterday." "Oh, thank God!"