"Jess, are you okay?" "Honey, you just fled to your dad's house in Portland." "What I did was a very tasteful, very understated skedaddle so I could get some much needed space from Nick, and it worked." "I'm fine." " So, you're coming back?" " I would, but..." "Ashley's out of town, and the man doesn't do well without his wife." "I can't in good conscience leave my elderly father here without someone to help him steam-clean his bowling trophies." "Hey, Jess." "I think you should go home." "Shut up, TV!" "That was the TV." " Hello?" " Go home?" "I just got here." "And I-I love that." "I love a surprise visit for no reason at all." "We had fun, but don't you think it's now, it's time for you to, you know, get back to your life." "Dad, you still need me." "I mean... we really half-assed those trophies!" "What?" "Th-they look great." "Look." "Oh, this one." "This one is fantastic." "See this one?" "This is the ball that I won that trophy with." "This ball right here." "Helen, I call..." " Oh!" "Dad!" " (screaming)" "I-I waxed the holes." "You waxed the holes?" "!" "Was I-I not supposed to?" "Not wise!" "Not wise!" " It's okay." " (whimpering)" "I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere." "(grunts)" "♪ ♪" "Oh, I'm so nervous to meet your mom." "I'm bad with women and family." "I wish she was a male stranger." "NICK:" "You guys talking about Charmaine?" " Yeah, my mom." " Charmaine is a tough lady." "My mom is just protective, okay?" "My dad walked out on us when I was a baby." " I am her only son." " Hey!" "What are you guys doing here?" " Rude." " What are we doing here?" "Yeah, what are you doing here?" " Why are you here?" " What, just because we moved, we have to justify our presence here?" "Well, you don't live here, so..." "We're allowed to be here for no reason at all." "Oh, I get it." "You're sad and lonely in your new house and you miss us." "We do not need this." "If anything, you-you people need us." "We are married homeowners." "Benefit from our wisdom." "Okay!" "I got to go." "Aly and I have an invited guest to plan for." " Oh." " NICK:" "Good burn, Winston." " You're getting better at those." " Thanks, man!" "Okay, I am off to my drug party." "Reagan's, uh, pharm rep crew is in town for a convention." "Have fun." "If you get too drunk to drive, call me, 'cause I will be, too, and we can be twins." "Wait, you're not going?" "Don't you want to meet Reagan's friends?" "Mm, we never really talked about it." "Seems like something that a married homeowner should weigh in on." "How could you not talk about such a major relationship step?" "Ugh, because we're not all couple-y like you guys are." "We don't talk about every little tiny..." "We don't gab all day like a couple of Italian grandmas hanging their laundry." "SCHMIDT:" "Talking is the lifeblood of a relationship." " Truth." " The problem is, is neither one of you wants to take the initiative." "You're both communication bottoms." "One of you needs to be the top." "What does this have anything to do with hamburger buns?" "Look, we do things in our own way, right?" "It's not like I don't want Nick to come with me." "And for the record, I would love to meet your friends." " That would be great." " So..." "All right, I'm going!" "Get off my back!" "So what are you guys doing here?" " Never." "Never in my entire life." " Okay." " Never." "Never." " My blood built this loft." "Maybe as an icebreaker we tell your mom about the time we actually arrested Jay Leno for jaywalking." "One small thing... it's a footnote, really... my mom don't know I'm a cop." "What?" " Winston, why?" " She's a-a protective single mom." "She's always freaked out at the tiniest thing." "My baby!" "I turn my head for one second." "Lord, where is my baby?" "!" " Wh..." " I went to look at bikes." "Oh!" "She still thinks I'm in sports radio." "I still record shows for her." "You got to promise not to blow my cover." " Wait, what are you doing?" " I have so much police stuff." "Now, I realize you're getting caught up in a lie against your will, but... my mom is coming to see you." "Okay?" "It won't even come up." "But if it does, you're my producer." " Bishop!" " I'm-a hide that." "I love him, I love him, I love him," "I love him, I love him..." "Pretty slim pickings at the drugstore." "All I got was, uh, Freckle Me Once:" "The Unauthorized Lindsay Lohan Story." "Anyway, I got all your stuff... your bandages, your hydrogen peroxide, your gummy peaches..." "You're making too big a fuss out of this." "I mean, I've had so much worse." "This is just a bruised toe." "It's your index toe." "Very serious." "That's the toe you point with." "You've been great to me." "You've taken care of me." "Now I'm gonna do something for you." "I'm gonna get you a ticket." "Oh, here it is." "Portland to L.A." "Dad, I am not leaving you like this." "Recovery is the most vulnerable part of the process, and this house is full of stairs and sharp corners." "And you know how slippery your bathtub is." "I won't stand up!" "I'll just roll out!" "Dad, I'm sorry, but I need to show you a little tough love." "Get in bed." "Do it." ""She was born on the freakiest of Fridays..."" "Okay, we're in 42 markets, big show coming up" " with Stephen A's brother Stephen..." "B. - ..." "B." "our lead-in is a cooking show" " called The Ugly Dumpling..." " So funny." "Hey, is all of this necessary?" "That's just in case it comes up." "Which, like I said... (chuckles) it won't." "Mm..." "I feel like it might." " Mother-in-law troubles, huh?" " What?" " Second mom drahm?" " Hey, seriously why are you still here?" "That's your most pressing question right now?" "Not why did I sign up for this ill-advised talk radio alternative reality?" "Guys, we're trying to prep, okay?" "So if you're gonna be in our home, please, step back from the mic." "That's radio lingo for when someone's on the microphone and you don't want them to be;" " you say, "Step away from..."" " I got it." "CHARMAINE:" "Baby!" "You are a radio personality!" "You just can't leave your front door open for any ol' Menendez brothers to walk into." " Ooh...!" " (chuckling)" "(grunts, chuckles)" " This is Aly." " Hey!" "Long time listener, first time visitor." " Oh. (chuckles) - (chuckles)" "Radio." "She referenced radio." "Uh, yeah, Mom, you know, we talk about work all day long, so..." "Well, it's not work when it's with your girl." "Now, Aly, tell me, do you two ever sing the call letters to each other to fall asleep?" "Mm, mm-hmm." "Yep." "♪ KQWP... ♪" "Oh, I thought you two moved." "♪ ♪" "(whistles)" "Whoa, drug companies have a lot of money." "_" "Well, this is great." "I feel like you finally brought me to your home planet." "Yeah." "I'm really glad you came." "All right." "So tell me about these pharm reps I'm about to meet." "I mean, I don't know what I can really tell you about them." "We sort of became friends at these conventions, and we go from city to city with each other." "It's kind of like camp friends?" "Except everybody's, uh, slept together a whole lot." "It's exactly like camp friends, I guess." "All these people have had sex with each other?" " Mostly, yeah." " Mostly." "And with you?" "You had sex with the... yeah?" " Why wouldn't you?" " Yeah." "Oh, you guys are like groupies, but for yourself." "I dig it." "Are we gonna have to, like, talk this out right now?" "Or..." " I'm good." "Are you good?" " Yeah." " I'm cool." " Okay." "Ah, I'm not a talker." "Talking's not my thing." "Great." "This is why we work." "'Cause we're not like Schmidt and Cece." "We don't have to write each other a love poem every time I go into the other room." " Oh, pass." " JACK:" "Reags." " Hey." " Hey." " How are you?" " Oh." " Oh." " (laughs)" "Off the ground." " Jack." " I'm Nick, and I-I might win a raffle tonight." "(laughing)" "So, Reagan, you gonna save me a pas de deux tonight?" "Okay." "(laughter)" "What's going on?" "What are you guys laughing at?" "I don't get the joke." "Well, you do know that she was a professionally trained ballet dancer?" "You never told me you were a ballerina." "I sort of shattered both of my ankles in this thing" "I refer to as "The Crackening."" "Your ankles?" "Like, both your ankles?" "And both of my knees and a little bit of my pelvis." "What?" "I could be the Queen of Egypt and your mom wouldn't know, because all she wants to do is talk about the radio show that doesn't exist." "That's on me." "Maybe I should have made my fake radio show less intriguing." "It's 7:12 and you know what that means." "Traffic on the 12 with Linda." "(clears throat)" "(higher voice):" "It's just way too much damn traffic out here." "I can't get to work." "(laughs) Linda." "Your big ass on the bus, stop playing." "Babe, how will I ever break through to your mom if I keep lying to her?" "This is crazy." " That's on me, too." " I know it's on you." "You're the only person it could be on." " And that is my bad." " I know it's your bad." "Aly." "You have seven identical stripe long sleeve shirts?" "Yeah." "I-I know it's strange." "Um, it-it was a deal." " Buy five, get two free." " Oh." " You still got the receipt?" " Of course I do." "BB Taxx has the same items, four for $20." "Wait." "Are you a DDS?" "DDS since '73." "What?" "Are you both secret dentists?" "CHARMAINE AND ALY:" "Deep discount shoppers." " OG price, $350.98." " Ooh." " BB Taxx price," " Uh-huh." " $72.99" " CHARMAINE:" "Ooh." " $72.99!" " Ooh." "And someone didn't limit their price match to California." "Arkansas prices, y'all." "What do you say we get back in our cubbies" " and keep this fashion show going." " Okay." "I don't know why I'm just putting this together, but you two are very cheap." " You're about to feel..." " You dunno what you're talking about." " ... my cheap purse on your temple." " You do not know." "Easy now." "What do you think, Nick?" "Should she take it?" "Take what?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "Reagan's big promotion." "Her promotion?" " Should she take it?" " I never..." "I didn't hear about it until right now." "It's just VP of North American sales." " VP?" " It's not a big deal." "It's just like a heartbeat away from president of North American sales, so..." " Seems like a pretty big deal." " Reagan, it's huge." "You get to travel all the time." "So many hotel points." "Mo' points, mo' problems, that's what I always say." "It's exciting finding out this way." "Most people would probably tell their boyfriend when they first found out about it, but that's cool." "We don't talk, that's why we work, and that's cool... and, uh, I'm really bothered by this." " Nick." " (gasps)" "(ringtone plays)" "Hey, Jess, it's me again." "Sorry to call you again." "I just..." "I just really wish you would call me back." "I'm having a problem, and..." "I feel like you really like when I'm, you know, I'm having a problem." "Not that you, not that you like it, but, but that-that you like, you like talking about it." "Anyway, I'm just coming apart here." "I'm-I'm really a hundred percent falling apart, and I really wish you would call me back." " (phone beeps)" " All right." "Hey, Schmidty, what's up?" "Just checking in." " Okay." " (phone beeps)" "Oh, hold on, I got another call." "All of a sudden my phone's blowing up." "Hi." "This is Nick Miller." "Who am I speaking to and why are you calling?" " Do you not have my number saved?" " Who is this?" " Who is this?" " Who am I speaking to?" "It's... it's Cece." "Cece, why are you both calling me?" "How do you not have my number saved?" "I work for you." "Cece, I already got Nick." "Let me patch you in." "How am I supposed to learn to do a patch if you never let me try?" "Nick, as the only person who takes our advice," " how you doing?" " Well, you were right." "Reagan and I never talk." "We helped you." "Cece, we helped him." " I know, I heard." " No." "You messed everything up." "You stupid idiots made me realize that I need more than that." "Now I got to go back to this party with her friends and pretend like it doesn't bother me." " Those look fantastic." " CECE:" "Oh, honey, that sounds so rough." "I said ho... one second, my man." "In the middle of a conversation." "(Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata" plays)" "Dad, I know you got out of bed." "No, I-I didn't, I didn't." "I-I-I've been, I've been sleeping." "I found these little crummies in the kitchen." "You only gave me a salad and tea." "I-I-I-I wanted some fish sticks." "Fish sticks are mostly pork and you know it." "Now, I'm gonna trim your nails." "Oh, no." "Wait, wait, wait." "Uh, uh, uh," " it's-it's a little too short." " (clippers snap)" "It's too... ow, ow!" "(screaming)" "I have a good thing going with your mom right now, and I don't want to ruin that." " We should just tell her the truth." " CECE:" "Hey-o!" "Problem alert." "Well, if you need help, you've come to the right place." "Share, share." "Please." "Tell us what seems to be the problem." "Here's what you're doing, and it's not okay." "You're inserting yourself into a family matter." "We can handle this on our own." " We're here if you need us." " Yeah, watch your front," " 'cause we've got your back." " We got your back." "I just want you to know that I respect that." "I'm perceiving that." "Um..." "I'm digesting that." "It's in the machine." "It's working its way down." "And okay." "I think you're right." "I think it'll be really good for you to be honest with your mom." "No." "See, um, you're gonna come clean." "I'm gonna stay dirty." " Why?" " CHARMAINE:" "Aly," "I found a roly-poly in these pants, they gave me 89% off." " Oh." " (laughs)" "That's sweet." "Um..." "Charmaine, I have to tell you something." "I don't work in radio." "I don't." "I'm actually a cop." "What?" "Man, you wearing a wire?" "Okay." "(whispering):" "Sorry." "Well, I appreciate you telling me the truth." "The job is dangerous." "But I do salute your courage." "(exhales) Okay." "Um... you can salute me, too." "'Cause, uh," " I'm also a cop." " What?" "!" "Uh, uh, uh, I'm-I'm not a super successful morning radio shock jock." " There's no radio show?" " No." "I'm a..." " I'm an officer of the law." " What?" "!" "That's not how you reacted when Aly said she was a cop." "Being a parent is like wearing your heart outside your body, and now you're telling me that my heart is on these streets by himself?" "Sampling drugs with a knife to see if it's really cocaine?" "My heart... knows what cocaine tastes like?" " Oh, man." " (door slams)" " That's on you, man." " Please shut up." "REAGAN:" "It isn't a dream job." "Sure, it comes with a great salary and a vaccination for the coming elk flu, the flu that you're gonna be hearing about for the next decade." "But it also requires too much travel, and I'm gonna turn it down." " Are you happy now?" " No." "I'm not happy." "'Cause this is the kind of talk I wish we had before." "These are the important talks." "This is so unlike you." "Why are you being the girl in this argument?" "I don't know, Reagan." "I don't know." "But I do know you're being heteronormative." "Okay?" "I know that word..." "it's in the Zeitgeist, and I know that word, too." "I don't know why I'm acting this way." "ANNOUNCER:" "If you're out there, Nick Miller, you're our raffle winner!" "Well, I can't say I'm surprised." "I did spend $190 on tickets." "$200." "I spent $250 on tickets." "That's it." "I spent over $300 on tickets." ""Deciding which house to go to for Thanksgiving," ""she was stuck in a real parent trap."" " Enough." "Enough." "Enough." " Oh, you're right." " This chapter's dragging." " Jess, please." " Let me move on." " I-I need my freedom." "I need my judge shows, my fish sticks." "My-my naked time." " Oh, please don't expand on that." " No, it's a good thing." "Ashley showed me how to embrace my body." "And I... every day, for about a half an hour," "I walk around here naked." " Fabulous." " Did you sit on this chair?" "Jess... now I'm gonna show you some tough love." "I want you to go back to California." "(sighs)" "Wh-what's going on?" "It's Nick." "I..." " What?" " I'm-I'm in love with him, and I can't..." "I can't do anything about it." "I'm sorry." "He's really happy with someone else." " I couldn't go back there." " Hey, hey, hey." "It's okay." "You don't have to." "You can stay here as long as you want." "You've been taking care of me, now I'm gonna take care of you." "You know what, I'm gonna read you one of my favorite books." "See?" " Oh..." " Before the Web:" "The Story of Telephone Operators." ""She sat by the switchboard," ""anxiously awaiting..." ""the phone call." ""Ring." "Ring." ""Ring."" "I don't even understand what we're arguing about." "I'm mad about the promotion." "And that you have been sitting on it for a month and not telling me." "I thought that you liked that we have our own thing." " I don't know, maybe I..." " That we were two... independent, different people and we live our lives and then we come together and we hang out." "I just want more, I guess." "I want to talk about stuff, and I know while I'm saying this" "I hate that I'm saying it, but I feel it." "Nick, we're talking about stuff right now." "No, we're not talking about all the stuff." " We're talking about some of the stuff." " How much stuff is there?" "There's piles of stuff." "There's piles upon piles of stuff." "Like, I want to talk about..." "I want to talk about why we don't have nicknames for each other?" "I mean, why don't we call each other Mr. Cub and Sparky?" "Who's Mr. Cub?" "You're Mr. Cub?" "You think I would be Sparky?" "If we had nicknames it would not be those." "You just call me Nick, is my point." " That's your name." " I know, but I would like to talk about nicknames." "It doesn't matter." "All this matters." "This is the stuff." "I want to talk about why you have a second apartment." " We talked about that." " And it was weird then." "We barely talked about it." "I also want to talk about the fact" "I've never been at my best sexually with you." "I've been, like, a seven, but, at other times in my life," "I've been an eight-and-a-half." " Okay." " But you've only seen a seven." "So you think of me as a seven in bed." " But I'm an eight-and-a-half." " I'm really tired." "Can you just write it all down and I'll fill it out and I'll get it back to you." "All right, then just answer me this, and then we'll be done." "'Cause this is important." "If we weren't together and you were offered this same promotion, would you take it?" "Yes, I would take it." "Then you should take the job, Reagan." "Okay, I'll take it." "Are we cool?" "Yeah." "Dream job." "Good, I'm so happy for you." "This is awesome." "Uh, okay. (clears throat)" "But before we go to bed tonight, can you please just do something about your raffle prize?" " His name's Stewart." " Why did you bring it home?" "I don't know, I won." "(grunts)" "Hey, thought I might find you here." "Oh." " Hiding your maybes?" " (chuckles)" "Sometimes I hide mine in a garbage can." "A new one." "Don't try to talk me out of worrying about my son." "I won't." "I just want you to know you're not alone." "I'm out there worrying about him, too, but we have got each other's backs." "How's that dress gonna fit you when you ain't got no legs?" "Oh." "I need to tell you something." "No, no, just... let me go first." "This job has given me so much." "Purpose, pride, my future wife," "CPR certification..." "against my will, I might add, because I truly believe that it is witchcraft, but that's not the point." "I have tried so many things." "But being a cop is the first time" "I've ever felt a calling." "I'm proud of you." "Yeah." "I-I will deal with my fears." "Um... but there's one more thing." "Oh, my God." "Mom, you've been a cop this whole time?" "No." " You're not a cop." " It was your dad's." "He's a cop." "Wherever the hell he is." "Wow." "Um..." "You know, that's the first thing you ever told me about him." "So you know I got a lot of practice worrying about someone coming home." "Maybe that's the reason I'm so overprotective with you." "He left this behind, among other things." "I just use it to get out of tickets." "And one time I did use it for a discount on a..." " a rental car." " Oh." " Take it." " No, I don't want it." "You're my dad." "You're my mom and my dad." "I know that." "And I'm not saying he's not a piece of crap, either." "But you should have this." "We can talk about this later, but what was the rental car company you used?" "(sighs)" "Well, I don't think me and Reagan are working out." "Really?" "Oh, bub, I'm so sorry." "Come lay your head on my bosom." "Come here." "No, I'll do hers if I was gonna do either, but... well, I'm really glad you guys are here." "Tell us everything." " But first, say that one more time." " Oh, you really want me to?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "Oh." "Uh, I'm really glad you're here." "We're really glad that we're here, too." "Very happy about it." " All right." " One more time." "The part about you being glad that we're here." " Making me regret it." " One more time." "I feel like we talked about everything." "I'm gonna grab a beer." "(Australian accent):" "I like American football a lot." "And you know who I like, I like that Tom Brady." "Uh, I like the way he looks, I like the way he smells." "Nick, shut up, man!" "I'm at..." "I'm at work." "Mi-mi-mi, mi-mi-mi." "Chacho. (deep voice):" "Chacho." "This is traffic on the 12." "Linda?" "Move!" "Get your ass out the way!" "I'm trying to get to work on time." "Linda, you okay?" "I'm fine." "It's the reason why I'm late." "I'm in traffic behind a damn Camry." "If he don't move his ass out the way..." "Linda, all right, that's enough of you." "(laughs)" "PG-13."