"What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "Are you deaf?" " We will remember them" " We will remember them" "Someone died, have they?" "Millions of brave men and women have died for you, so that you could ride your bike round here and drink Fanta." " What did they do that for then?" " I'm starting to wonder." "I don't know which school they were from." "Nigel threw a tantrum which was quite amusing, but I don't blame him really." "Hang on, hang on." "Hello, Collin." "Just on the phone." "I'm bored." "Bored, bored, bored." "I'm just on the phone to the headmistress." "Get in there, mate." "I only want a brew." "I'd better go." "The Dark Lord's arriving." "Hello, Archdeacon." " Hello, Adam." "Have you seen your review?" " No, what?" "Archdeacon." "Thank you, Colin." "Hello, everyone!" "I was hoping I'll find you all in my kitchen." "Yes, the Archdeacon's here." "Alexandra, being busy keeping murderers on our streets." "That's right, Archdeacon." "I told them all to go to church to repent." "Terrific!" "Well done Mrs Smallbone." "What is all this?" " Do you know about this?" " Reverend Christian website" "It's making quite a splash." " Do you want a hand with this, Mrs Vicar?" " No, thank you, Colin." "They send anonymous people to review Sunday services." " Did you get any of that nice cheese?" "No." " There we are." "St. Saviour's." " I wonder which service they came to." "They give marks out of 10 for the sermon." "What mark do you think they gave you, Adam?" "I bet it was 10." "I hope it was that excellent one you did about sheep." " 9?" "7?" " 8?" "1?" "What's...?" "Length of sermon: 2 minutes, which was 3 minutes too long." "The Reverend Adam Smallbone talked to his tiny and lifeless congregation about Jesus curing the blind man." "It was without scholarship or insight." "And the Reverend seemed as bored by his own words as the congregation." "He may have been hung over." "That's bullocks." "That was a good one." "No, it wasn't, Colin." "It was the worst sermon I've ever delivered." "Every other sermon I've done had lots of thought and preparation." " Really, it doesn't seem fair." "Who are these sad, green-ink losers?" "Typing away in their underpants, sniping at people without the guts to actually declare themselves?" "It's just a bit of fun, Alex." "It's digital religion." " Alex, you've got that nice cheese." " No, Colin!" " Who will have seen it?" " Everyone." " Everyone loves it." " Oh, everyone..." "A tiny clique of virtual God's bod's with nothing better to do." "Just ignore it darling." "Why do I bother?" "Well, you certainly didn't that day, did you?" "Don't worry, Adam." "Alex is right." "It's only everyone in the Church who've seen it." "And on a positive note, if you do a good sermon next time, they might upgrade you to... a zero." "Are you there, God?" "If so, just a couple of questions." "Why do you allow there to be kids who don't know what World War II is?" "Why did you send that reviewer on my one bad day?" "Is that what I deserve?" "Why is the graveyard strewn with litter?" "Why do Nazis always live till they're 96?" "Why are there no more bumblebees?" "Why do African women get raped every day by boy soldiers going to get water for their starving village?" "Is this one of your little wobbles again?" "A bit more this time." "So, why don't you be agnostic for a bit?" "All the good priest I know have been agnostic for years really." "No, I haven't" "Well, why don't you take the day off?" "Don't be the Vicar for the day for once." "I can't, it's a calling, is it?" "Can't be uncalled for the day." "Anyway, I've got to go and do a school assembly for Ellie and get cross-examined by a hall of atheist 9-year-olds." "Well, then tell them God doesn't exist." "You'll feel better." "Reverse psychology, they will all come flocking." "OK." "So, can anyone remember who came down the mountain with the 10 commandments?" "Was it baby Jesus, sir?" "No, it wasn't Jesus, was it?" "Anyone else?" "It was Moses, wasn't it?" "Are you sure it wasn't the baby Jesus, sir?" "Yes, I'm sure it wasn't the baby Jesus." "It was Moses." "But I thought the answer was always Jesus, sir." "No, Jesus is not always the answer." "I think I just heard the bell." "That's it, everyone." "Off to class." "Is this because of your -1 for sermon without scholarship or insight" " No, it wasn't because of that." "Okay?" "I'm just not in the mood to face a roomful of feral apathetic 10-year-olds." "I'm sorry." "It was just a momentary lapse of" "Cool." "Maybe I need a new career." "Maybe I should be a teacher." "I'd be a very good teacher, wouldn't I?" "No." "And that way you'll have a roomful of feral athletic 10-year-olds 6 times a day." "I think you should take that terrible review with some encouragement." " Please don't talk to me like I'm one of your kids." " Well, then stop behaving like one." " Tie your laces up." " Sorry." "Sorry." "Lovely shoes, Ellie." "Are they new?" "No." "They're very good." "They're like little boots." "Well, thank you for coming today, Adam." "It's always... interesting." "Now, if you forgive me, I need to sort out a new venue for the party on Friday." "Oh, I thought you were using that fancy gastro pub." "No, they pulled out with only a week to go." "Oh, no!" "Why don't you use the church?" "Yeah, use it." "Well, it's a fund-raising event for the school, for the new library." " I can't give you any money." " Doesn't matter." "Go on, use it." "Might as well be used for something people enjoy." " When is it, Friday?" " Yeah." "Yeah, it's only the homeless meal." "I can shift that." "Well, that would be a life saver, Adam." "Thank you." "Tell you what." "Why don't you make it a Vicars and Tarts party?" "I might turn up as one of the other." "Excuse me, sir?" "Can I have a word?" "Yes, officer?" " Are you a vicar?" " Yeah." "Can you prove it, please?" "Got any ID?" "No, but I am a vicar." "Are you a policeman?" "Yes, I can confirm, that this is Adam Smallbone, the one and only, much cherished and respected Vicar of St. Saviour's." "Can I ask to carry some ID in the future, please?" "Whoever it is going around impersonating a vicar has gotten pretty ballsy." "He blagged his way out of a fine for a litter offence on a high street." "And harassed the Bishop of London on a coffee morning with questions about the Da Vinci Code." "Is it actually illegal to impersonate a vicar?" " Well, it's certainly wrong." " Adam has been doing it for years." "It's just a joke." "Nigel, I've got a job for you." "On Friday, Ellie is doing a school fund-raising" "Vicar and Tarts party, here in the church." "So, can you oversee it, please?" "Are you sure this is an appropriate use of a church, a Vicars and Prostitutes party?" "Well, Nigel, when you run your own church, you can make that decision." "Well, I'm not happy about this." "Father Walters down the road, he held a Rave in the Nave." "It finished at 9:30." "But nonetheless, things got stolen and men urinated in the font." "If it's a success, Nigel, you will get all the credit." "I hand the entire thing over to you." "I'm gonna do some hospital visits." "I'm gonna be very busy all day." "So, don't phone me." "Hello?" "Who?" "Who is ill?" "Well, has she seen a doctor?" "Well, the doctor probably is the first one to call if she can't actually breathe." " 5 pound 5 p." " Oh, I've only got 5." "Is that alright?" "Can I give you 5 p. next time?" "No, come on, you know me." "I'm the Vicar." "I'm always in here." "I'm normally in a dog collar." " Yeah, right." "You're the second one to try this on today." " What?" "At least that one looked like a vicar." "What are you talking about?" "You won't lend me off 5 p.?" "Are you seriously going to make me choose between my fags and these cakes?" "If you're a vicar, what are you doing smoking fags?" "Because I like it." "Okay, that's fine." "Okay, I put them back." "My fags, please." "Shit." " Hello." "How are you feeling?" " Brilliant." "I just won 60 quid on Poker Party by bluffing every hand." "Oh, good." "Is the crisis over?" "What have you done today?" "Stole some Jaffa cakes, ate them all, and then I watched seven episodes of Channel 5's "Farmer Wants A Wife"." " What's that?" " Louise Redknapp helps farmers choose a partner." "And then I had a wank." " And have these things restored your faith in God?" " No, they haven't." "Farmers keep choosing the wrong women." "Wank was quite nice though." "Sorry I wasn't right here to help you with that." "I had to do section 9 procedural applications for a Somali family's tribunal tomorrow." "Good for you." "You think you will win?" "Yes, of course I'll win." "What are you going to do now?" "Watch some repeats of Top Gear." "What channel's it on?" "Louise had sex with the animals, or is it someone else?" "Not in the episodes I saw." "Got a face on you today, Vicar." "Yes, I'm experiencing a large amount of ontological despair." "Yeah, are you?" "Sometimes I stand outside the church here on Sunday, saying good-bye to 10 or 12 people." "And do you know what I feel like?" " No." " Remnant." " Remnant of what?" "Of an illusion that people used to believe in." "Adam, why are you being such a dickhead?" "I know, that deep down, of course, that if God made his existence clear and irrefutable, it would overwhelm us and deprive us all of free will and independence." "But right now, just for once." "Now I feel like being overwhelmed." "Because I am underwhelmed by everything else." "By the thoughtlessness, carelessness and neediness of everyone else." "If I'd been in charge of creation, I think I'd have... kept the flowers and the waterfalls and the butterflies and Louise Redknapp, and.." "I'd have left out the malaria, AIDS , earthquakes, cancer and dementia." "Quite frankly, I think I'd have done the whole thing fuck sight better." "Is this because of that shit review you've got?" "You can't be like this." "You're the Vicar." "You're too important to people." " No, no.." "Yes, you are." "I'm tired of having to tell everybody what they want to hear all the time." "I spend my whole life having to be good, and yet" "I can never actually tell anybody what I really think." " How's that good?" " It's not." "You should be telling people what you really think." "OK, Colin." "I really think you come round to the vicarage too much." "Stop it." "It's irritating." "How do you like that?" "Is that helpful?" "I tell you what else I really think." "I really think I fancy that headmistress." "Oh, yeah." "You're right." "I fell much better." "You bastard." "Hello, headmistress." "Hello, Adam." "I wasn't expecting you today." "No, it's my day off actually." "I was just passing." "I thought I'd come in and spread a smile?" "I just wanted to say, that I think..." "You run a really excellent school, Ellie." "Cos we are all so busy running around and... it's easy to never take stock and appreciate the things we've achieved." "I think you've achieved really extraordinary things here." "Adam, are you wearing aftershave?" "Yeah, just a little." "It's my day off." "Since it is my day off, I was just wondering if we could grab a bite of lunch together?" "There's a few ideas I have about curriculum enrichment that I wanted to share with you." "And also, just to give me a chance to say thank you for..." "Putting up with you?" "Have you been to Nando's?" "Adam, I'd love to chat, I would, but I have a staff meeting this lunchtime." " OK, no problem." " Send me an email." "Just an idea." "How's all going for Friday?" "How's the party?" "It's great." "Fine." "Thank you." "I hope you will be going as a tart." " What do you want, Adoha?" " Adam, you're in your pants." "I just read that terrible review you got on that nasty website where they said you were boring." "You must be upset, sweetheart." " No, I don't give a monkey's arse." " That's the spirit." "Chin up." "Now, I want to talk to you about the flowers for Uma's funeral." "Do you smoke, Adam?" "No." "Good." "Now, I was thinking of doing a standing spree of lilies and gladioli for Uma." "You're always banning about the flowers, Adoha, but you've got to understand that I really don't care what you do with them." "If you're going to be like this, I shall talk to your assistant." "Yes, talk to Nigel." "If you've got the strength." "I don't mean Nigel." "I mean that other man that everyone likes." "I know this bloke." "He used to do a prayer for the youth club football matches." "And they loved him." "I don't have time for this, Adam." "I need to find an HDMI multiple adapter for the amp tonight, and guavas for the fruit punch." "See, people don't need me." "It's just about wearing a costume, this job." "That's all it is." "If this fake vicar makes people feel better about their lives, then what's wrong with that?" "Let him get on with it." "If I can find him, I might even ask him to come a do a sermon." " I'm sure, he'd score better than -1" " Shut up, Nigel." "You'd have got -10" "Adam, is there something you actually want?" "Because I'm a little busy." "I'm keen that tonight is a success." "And that it has a religious aspect to it." "What?" "It's a party, Nigel." " Have ever you been to one?" " How very jolly." "It's a party is in a sacred place," "I think it will be appropriate to start to start the evening with a small prayer." "And I need to think of a prize for the best prostitute." "Start what with a prostitute, Nigel?" "Hello, Archdeacon Howard." "There's a Vicars and Tarts party in the church this evening." "Nigel is organising it." "Only because you asked me to do it." "I think it's a rather clever idea, fun way to make money for the church, Adam." "Yeah, thanks." " Should I come?" " We would love you to come." " Who is going to be there?" " Sorry, actually you can't come." "It's sold out." "That's bad luck." "You'll have to go to one of your posh clubs for knobs instead." "Have you got a seminar on listed building health and safety signage?" "That's how you spend your evening, isn't it?" "Learning about fire exits?" "You quite literally have no idea how I spend my evenings." "Do I detect a certain lack of Esprit de corps today, Adam?" "No, my venerable friend." "I love the vocation." "Love the people." "Are you being like this because of that terrible review you got?" "Now, listen." "Someone is going around East London impersonating a vicar." "Not you, Adam." "Good evening, everyone..." "Good evening." "If I could just have your attention for... uno momento." "I know this evening is a bit of fun for a good cause." "But I did think it would be appropriate, since we are in a God's house, to start the evening with a brief prayer." "Prayer, prayer." "Come on, we're late." "Why wouldn't you let me dress as a whore?" "Just for a change?" "Because it was one of the most upsetting things I've ever seen." "Oh, for God's sake." "Yes, I am a vicar." "And yes, I can prove it." "Is Adam alright?" " God knows." "What makes you say that?" " Well, he's dancing for one." " It's not the most dignified thing I've ever seen." " That's his normal dancing." "He's having one of his bi-annual crises." "Though I must say this is a particularly bad one." "He believes in God." "He's just not sure if God believes in him." "I have to put up with this occasionally." "It's all part of being a vicar's wife." "He's wearing a lot of unusual aftershave." "And he invited me to Nando's." "Did he?" "Never bloody invited me there." "If he come on to you again, you have my permission to do what I do in these situations." "Hello, Ellie." "I think you'll find your clothes tonight are a little surplus to requirement." "I hope, as a woman you're not going to make a habit of it." "Adam, this is just embarrassing." "Your lovely wife is a friend of mine." "So stop behaving like a child." "Or you prefer a more adult operation?" "Me too." "Do you want to go for a quick one in the vestry?" "Go home, Adam." "You're making a fool of yourself." "Am I?" "Err am I?" "Err.." " Yes, go on." " Oh, dreary me." "Alex is married to a foolish vicar." "Well, that won't do it, will it?" "No, no, no.." "What a nightmare..." "When she is so in control of everything else." "Poor Alex." "Oh, fuck off home, Adam." "You're drunk." "Go home before you say something you'll really regret." "No, I'm drunk." "Say, you fuck off." "Don't you tell me to fuck off." "I am the Vicar." "You fuck off." "Go home now." "Yes, OK, I will." "I love you baby." "And if it's quite alright," "I love you baby." "Excuse me, is anybody here the Vicar?" "You lot, again." " What do you want?" " What do I want?" "I'll tell you what I want." "I want all of you locked in prison." "I want zero tolerance, is what I want." "I want you all to be locked up with ankle tags." "And then you all to be made clean all the litter all over London." "While reciting war poetry." " Looking for a fight, Vicar?" "Yes, that's what I want." "Hey, what's going on?" "Come down, will you?" " You're the parish Vicar, are you?" " Of course I am a bloody vicar." "Why don't you stop asking me that?" " Right." "Come with me, please." " Yes, I will come quietly officer." "Lock him up, man!" "Come on, lock him up!" "In the front, please." "We arrested the bloke impersonating a vicar." "He gate-crashed a bar-mitzvah." "Hello, vicarage." "Hello, Colin." "I think I'm in trouble again." "Me too." "I wouldn't worry too much, Colin." "They're not even sure it's illegal." "We haven't got much time." "Get in the car, please." " For what?" " Get in!" "It's great being a vicar, isn't it?" "Everyone respects you." "I always knew your life was bliss." "She's only got a couple of hours to live." "We've been looking for you all evening." " Sorry, what do you want from me?" " She's about to die, father." " She wants her last rites." " I'm not sure I'm the right man." "I've been having a bit of a crisis." " I'm not sure I'm strong and able." " You're not strong and able?" "This woman's in great pain." "She's been hanging on." "She wants release." "Now, are you her vicar or not?" "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying," ""Whom shall I send?" "And who will go for us?"" "And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"" " What?" " It's Isaiah, 6." " It was read at my ordination." " I'd love to see the photo some time." "Now, shall we go in?" "After you." "Through my eyes I've seen thy salvation, which stands prepared in the presence of all people." "I'm fine, thanks."