"# Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha" "# There is nothing we can do" "# Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha" "# We just have to face it, this time we're through" "# Knowing me, knowing you #" "A-ha!" "(MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)" "# Knowing me, knowing you #" "Welcome." "Welcome." "Welcome." "Welcome to "Knowing Me, Knowing You With Alan Partridge", or "The Alan Partridge Show", as most people call it." "It's easier." "That's what I call it." "I've got to tell you, there's so much packed into tonight's show that at the end, I'm sure I'll be shattered." " Or should I say "chattered"?" " (DRUMBEAT)" "You may remember that at the end of last week's show," "I sacked my house band and their leader Glenn Ponder." "That's TV." "They had to go." "So will you now please welcome my new resident house band, the Eagles!" "Or rather, no, don't." "Don't welcome the Eagles." "Glenn has put a stop to that." "This week, he obtained a court injunction preventing his dismissal prior to an industrial tribunal at the end of the series." "So please welcome not double-platinum-album-selling stars the Eagles, but Ipswich-based hotel-lobby wine-bar band Glenn Ponder and Lazarus." "(APPLAUSE)" "# Knowing me, knowing you #" "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glenn Ponder." "A-ha." " A-ha." " Knowing me, Alan Partridge," " knowing you, Lazarus." "A-ha." " (ALL MUTTER) A-ha." "Glenn, if this show was a car, what car would it be?" " I've no idea." " "Chatty-Chatty-Bang-Bang."" "(TAP ON DRUM)" "Glenn Ponder and Lazarus." "(MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)" "(EXTRA MUSICAL FLOURISH)" "See you in court." "My first guest was born within the sound of Bow Bells." "He is a cockney man." "30 years ago, he crawled from the maggot-ridden cesspit that is the East End of London to become Britain's most colourful boxing and entertainments promoter." "He spends all day on the dog and bone - phone." "He's about to come down these apples and pears - stairs." "I'm sure we're going to have a great bowler hat - chat." "So please welcome a very special antique Edwardian tea chest - guest." "That last one was mine." "Two years ago, he was cleared of garrotting a nightclub owner in Leicester Square." "Please welcome Terry Norton." "(LAZARUS) # So I wanna know" "# What's the name of the game?" "# Does it mean anything to you?" "# What's the name of the game?" "#" "Ah..." "Nice whistle." "Whistle and toot - suit." " Flute." " Sorry?" " Whistle and flute." " Whatever." "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Terry Norton." " A-ha." " A-ha." "Now, Terry..." "Sport." "You have managed boxers, wrestlers, snookers...snookerers..." " ..snook...snookerers..." " Snooker players." "..bowling, crown green and tenpin - that didn't work, but you first made your name way back in the '70s with that fabulous champion boxer, Billy O'Rourke." " Billy "The Blitz" O'Rourke." " Why "The Blitz"?" " Because he fought like the Blitzkrieg." " You can say that again." "Was he German?" "No, London Irish, out of Kilburn." "But he could take a punch, couldn't he?" "After some fights, he looked like a cauliflower." "And the other geezer looked like mashed potatoes!" "Mashed potatoes!" "Ah..." "Billy "The Blitz" O'Rourke." "Sadly, of course, no longer with us." " Oh, Billy's still alive." " Well, technically." "Now..." "Now, Terry, you come from a very humble background." "Now you mix with the great and the good." "You're a little cockney whelk sitting on a plate of oysters." "Do you ever think to yourself, "How did I get here on top of this plate of oysters?"" "Well, of course I do, Alan." "It's a combination of determination, perseverance and a good head for business." "Of course." "And, if I may say so..." "# With a little bit" "# With a little bit" "# With a little bit of blooming' luck #" "Is that fair?" "Yeah..." "Well...if you like, yeah." "You and me, Alan, we're the same." "Two working-class boys, no education, no qualifications, but through sheer determination, we've made it to the top of the tree." "I've got to pick you up there." "I went to East Anglia Polytechnic and I've got two A levels." " You know what I mean..." " And, very quickly, as for working class, my parents owned their own home, and we holidayed in Spain, so I don't think that's right." "But I imagine you know Spain quite well, what with all your connections?" "Yeah, I've got a villa out there, overlooking the Med." "Blinding." "Well, you would, just in case." " Just in case what?" " You need to go on holiday...quickly." "I think you're leading me down a dark alley." "The last place I'd like to be with you is down a dark alley." " Why's that?" " Sorry?" " Why's that?" " I just wouldn't." "Now, Terry, you've promoted boxing, snooker, bowling, crown green and tenpin, that didn't work - but now you're launching a new promotion next month." " Tell us about that." " That's right." "I'm bringing back the beauty contest, because times may change, fashion, whatever, but people will always want to look at lovely ladies." "That's from the 20th century back to the ancient Greeks." " Aristotle Onassis." " Exactly." "I mean, whatever the women's libbers say - Germaine Greer, Esther Rantzen..." " That lot..." " ..you can't change human nature." "You can't, but I'll tell you something," " I used to support the women's libbers." " Really?" "When they said "burn your bras"." "(BOTH LAUGH)" "I'm getting a bit of stick from the loony left, but who cares?" "Absolutely." "You cannot say anything these days." "I was commentating a football match with Cameroon." "I made a harmless remark about a rain dance." "What happens?" "I get hauled over the coals." "Not literally." "I imagine that's the kind of thing the Cameroons do." "I'll probably get in trouble for that now." "Please, please." "Don't write in saying that's racist." "It's not." "It doesn't matter what they say." "Next month on Sky Television, it's Miss Great Britain, and nothing can spoil that feast." "Absolutely, and we're going to eat some of that feast later, because Terry has very kindly cooked up a tray of lady vol-au-vents, which I will be eating, or compering, later." "What I mean is that tonight I'll be master of ceremonies for the final heat of - it's my home town" " Miss Norwich!" "(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)" "Now, Terry..." "Murderer!" "You killed my son!" "That was what the mother of the garrotted nightclub owner of Leicester Square said to you as you left court, having been cleared of the murder of her son, her only son, the garrotted nightclub owner of Leicester Square." " Did those words hurt?" " Of course." "Yes, I was in Leicester Square that night, but, as was proved in court, I was hailing a cab when it happened." "Absolutely." "Well, we've got a reconstruction of that night, using professional actors who have appeared in "The Bill" and "Minder"." "Now, Terry, that night in Leicester Square, was it something like this?" "Taxi!" " Is that how it was?" " Yeah, more or less." "Because at the time there were people who said it happened like this." "Taxi!" " That's how it didn't happen." " What's that?" " That was how it didn't happen." " No, no." "That is a couple of ponces mincing about talking rubbish." "Touched a nerve." "Intriguing." "I could have gone down for this." "It was dealt with in court." "It's over." "It's dead and buried." " Rather like the garrotted..." " Don't muck about." "You're getting out of your depth." "You could end up drowning." " Calm down." "It's just a chat show." " You want to get involved in this world?" "Nightclub owners who get garrotted?" "Ammonia in the boat?" "I'll get you involved, son." "You want to get sucked in?" "I'll suck you in so far you get blown out the other side." "Wipe that soppy look off your gormless face!" " You want to get sucked in?" " I don't." "Right." "Tell the ladies and gentlemen what that was." "That was a couple of ponces mincing about talking rubbish." "Yeah." "Thank you." "Now, are we going to have a beauty contest or what?" "Beauty contest, please." "I'll see you later for that." "Thank you for that nice chat." "Ladies and gentlemen, Terry Norton, an innocent man!" "(APPLAUSE)" "It's time now for one of the hit bits of my show," ""Knowing Me, Alan Partridge, Knowing You, Another Alan Partridge", in which I meet another man whose name is Alan Partridge." "It really is that simple." "Two weeks ago, an Alan Partridge in Preston wrote and asked to come onto the show." "I booked him to appear tonight." "One week ago, he died." "Well, I telephoned his family and told them that I'd honour the booking if they so desired." "They agreed, saying it is what Alan would have wanted." "Please welcome, with his widow and family, Alan Partridge." "(APPLAUSE)" "(LAZARUS PLAY THEME IN STYLE OF FUNERAL MARCH)" "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, another Alan Partridge." "Rest in peace." "A-ha." "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Mary Partridge." " A-ha." " A-ha." "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you..." "I've forgotten your name." " Liam." " Liam." "Liam Partridge." "Son of Alan." "A-ha." " (BOTH) A-ha." " No, not you." "Just you." " A-ha." " Tell us, what was he like?" " Well, he liked a drink." " He didn't suffer fools gladly." " No." "He'd quite a temper on him." " Right..." "But he did um..." "He did like this show, didn't he?" "Oh, yes." "It was his second-favourite television programme." "Right..." "So what was his first?" " "Baywatch"." " Right." "About the beach people." " He liked the girls." " Don't we all?" "Let's hope there are girls in heaven, if..." "..if that's where he's going." "From what you say, it seems a little unclear." "But who knows?" "Perhaps there are girls in purgatory or hell." "But no one leaves us empty-handed, so..." "I don't know why I'm doing that voice." "(JAUNTY) No one leaves empty-handed, so I'm very pleased to present to Alan this lovely headstone for Alan's grave." "It's a granite-marble mix in Normandy grey, and it's covered in DuboSeal, which means any graffiti from vandals can just be wiped clean." " Do you like it?" " It's lovely." " He was born in 1931." " What have we got?" " '32." " Right..." "One year out." "Not bad." "If it's a problem, we can get it re-ground." " That'd be great." " Right." "But the only problem is..." "We can do that, but it'll take a couple of weeks." " It's only one year out." " He'd like the right date." " He would?" " He would like the right date." " He'd got quite a temper." " Well, he's hardly likely to display it now." "But if you want it reground, we'll get it done." " It's what he would have wanted." " We'll do it!" " Thank you." " Right." " Sorry." " What?" " Sorry." " Right." "Well..." "Ladies and gentlemen, Alan Partridge, his son Liam and his lovely widow Mary!" "(APPLAUSE AND FUNEREAL MUSIC)" "Well, as we heard, Alan was quite fond of pretty ladies, so it seems entirely appropriate that in his presence we hold now the grand final of Miss Norwich." "Mary, you've agreed with Liam and your Uncle Pete there to stay a little bit longer and judge tonight's contest." " Yes." " Take up your positions, please." "Glenn, would you like to judge Miss Norwich?" " I'd love to." " Well, you can't." "Now, if you're watching this at home in your Parker Knoll armchair, hit the recline button, sit back, relax, as we go girl crazy with a bit of harmless fun - that's all it is." "Please welcome the finalists for Miss Norwich." "(APPLAUSE)" "The first contestant is Susan Atkinson." "She's 20 years old." "Her vital statistics are 34-24-33, so she's slightly bigger at the top." "She's a shop assistant for Saxone shoes, and she tells me the most popular shoes are plain black lace-ups with six eyes." " Contestant number two is Donna Cookson." " (CHEERING AND WHISTLING)" "Donna..." "Donna is 20..." "Come on!" "Keep it down." "Donna used to dance in a nightclub, but it was closed down after a fire." "Contestant number three is 21-year-old Lisa Thornton." "(APPLAUSE)" "Lisa..." "Lisa is a nanny for a professional couple, whom she tells me make adverts and live in a converted barn." "Sometimes she has the house to herself and likes to use the CD system to dance around to pop music." "She's the shortest of tonight's contestants." "Contestant number four is Maria McNulty." "(APPLAUSE)" "Maria is an Irish Roman Catholic." "She says that before each beauty contest, she says a quick prayer." "She has a 36" bust." "Ave Maria." "And our final contestant tonight is Siobhan Gluckowski." "(APPLAUSE)" "Siobhan works in William Hill bookmakers, so what are her odds tonight?" "I'll tell you." "They're 50-1." "She's a rank outsider." "Siobhan also has a Polish grandmother who doesn't speak any English." "And those are tonight's finalists." "Well, we've looked at their bodies, now let's look at their minds." " Susan Atkinson, you work at Saxone shoes." " Yes." "Do you get a lot of competition from Dolcis?" " Yeah, we do." " Great." "Lovely." " Donna." "Donna Cookson." " (CHEERING AND WHISTLING)" "You certainly seem to have a lot of fans out there." " Are you enjoying the competition?" " Yes." "And er...do you watch this show?" " No." " That's all right." "OK." "That's fine." " Lisa Thornton, do you have any hobbies?" " I like swimming and dancing." " I've always wanted to meet you." " Really?" " I like your moustache." " Yeah." "It, like, really suits your face." "Yes, I keep it trimmed with nasal scissors." "You look like Rhett Butler in "Gone With The Wind"." "Well, frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!" "Of course I do." "Of course I give a damn." "You're lovely." " What's your ambition?" " Well, I'd like to work in television." "Really?" "Great." "Well, we should have a chat." "After the show." "You're all staying at the Holiday Inn?" "Well, the other girls are, but I'm staying with my mum." "Right." "OK." "Right..." "You could just go to the hotel for a drink." "We'll get you a taxi home." "I'll speak to your mum." "OK." "Lovely." " We'll have a chat afterwards." "Good luck." " Thanks." " Right." "OK." "Do you like animals?" "Do you?" " (BOTH) Yes." "Fair enough." "Right, um..." "Well, we've done them all, so while the judges make up their minds," "I'm afraid you'll just have to listen to Glenn Ponder and Lazarus." "(LAZARUS PLAY "THE WINNER TAKES IT ALL")" "(MUTTERS) Number three has the best personality." "That's what matters..." "Number three." "It's the best personality..." "Look, it's a majority decision..." "Right, shut up!" "OK." "Right, Glenn." "Thank you, Glenn." "Well, we have a unanimous decision." "The winner of this year's Miss Norwich beauty pageant is contestant number three, Lisa Thornton." "A-ha!" "(APPLAUSE AND FANFARE)" " Lisa, are you pleased?" " Oh, yes!" " Oh, I didn't think I'd win." " Why not, for heaven's sake?" " I thought number two would win." " You shouldn't think that." "This could be the start of a glittering career." "See you later." " Who are you waving to?" " That's my fiance Andy." "Right." "Hi, Andy." "Um..." "Miss Norwich, soon to be Mrs Norwich." "Don't wave any more." "Well, I said before that if this show was a car it would be Chatty-Chatty-Bang-Bang." " (DRUMBEAT)" " So..." "So now let's slip that car into another pig's ear - gear - a more serious pig's ear - gear - in a new regular feature of the series, in which I tackle the big political issues of the day" "in "Partridge Over Britain"." " You can go now." " (MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)" "Next week, the voters of West Chalfont in Buckinghamshire go to the polls for a by-election caused by the death of Conservative MP Sir Morris Christopher, who tragically died last month after choking on scampi." "So, let's meet the candidates." "Firstly, knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, on my left, and I imagine to the left of most people in West Chalfont, the Labour Party candidate." "She's a teacher." "She's divorced." "She is Charlotte Fraser." " A-ha." " A-ha." "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, the Liberal Democrat candidate." "He's a practising lawyer, he sits on Chalfont Council's education committee and he's black." " Ronald Biggs." "A-ha." " A-ha." "In the middle, me, Alan Partridge." "A-ha." "And on my right, the Conservative Party candidate, Adrian Finch." "Adrian has been married for 14 years and has three lovely children." "Adrian, you're also a big fan of steam engines?" "Yes." "That's right, Alan." "Full steam ahead for the by-election." "Lovely." "Lovely sense of humour." "Adrian Finch." " The Partridge meets the Finch." "A-ha." " A-ha." "Lovely." "The final candidate who we have to have on - he's paid his deposit, that's democracy - is Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III of the Bald Brummies Against The Big-Footed Conspiracy Party." " A-ha." " (BRUMMIE ACCENT) Bald Brummies!" "There's a time and a place for fun and it's not on this show." "We'll open it up to my studio audience." "Throughout the questions, I will remain impartial at all times." "I will remain Pontius Partridge." "So, any questions for the panel, please?" "Yes, the woman with the high head." "I'd like to ask the panel, in view of the rising crime rates, would they consider the reintroduction of capital punishment?" "Fair point." "Charlotte Fraser, Labour." "We see old women's faces in the paper." "Surely the best solution is to hang hooligans by the neck until the spinal column is severed, starving their body of oxygen." " Isn't that the best way?" " Absolutely not." "Hanging is barbaric and the hallmark of an uncivilised society..." "OK, what about lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair..." " We're spoilt for choice." " That's not really the point..." "Firing squad?" " The head slap?" " The head slap?" "Please don't do that, Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III." "There is no evidence to show that capital punishment would reduce the crime statistics." "It would reduce it by one, wouldn't it?" "Adrian Finch, capital punishment..." "there's a gibbet, will you pull the lever?" "Well, whether I pull the lever or not is not the question." "Yes, it is." "The whole issue of capital punishment, of hanging... is one which must be addressed...um..." "on a moral level by the public in general before we can make any absolute moral decision." "Good point." "Very good point." "You see?" "It's not simply yes or no, is it, Ronnie Biggs?" " Well, yes, it is." " Good." "No, I'm disagreeing with you." "It is a yes or no question." "Well, no one really cares." "Yes, no, maybe - it's not life or death." " Well, yes, it is." " Yes, but it's boring." "Right." "OK." "The phone lines are open." "We have a call." "David Silk from Leeds." "David, are you there?" "Are you wearing any silk?" " No, I'm naked." " What's your question?" "Which of the candidates will tighten up the laws on immigration?" "Immigration - it's a political hot potato." "Charlotte Rampling, catch." " Fraser." " Sorry." "Yes." "Yes, immigration is one of those questions that comes up time and time again, and it's interesting because it seems to be mostly when..." "Excuse me!" "He's trying to speak." "You're such a rude woman." " Go ahead." " Yes, um..." "Wh-What we must do, absolutely, is put in place a system of um..." " Head slapping?" " No, a system of..." " Head slapping?" " Please, I am trying to answer the question." " A system of..." " Head slapping?" " You're put..." "You're putting me off." " I know." " A system of..." " Head slapping?" " A system of..." " Head slapping?" " ..system of...system of..." " Head slapping?" "Head slapping?" " ..system of...system of..." " Head slapping?" "Ignore him!" "Ignore him!" "Um..." "The Government, aren't they bringing out a White Paper?" " Sorry?" " Aren't they bringing out a White Paper?" " Are they?" " Yes, they are." "Right." "Yes, we're bringing out a White Paper, which should end all discussion." "You have to do better than that." "I'm trying to help here." "You're in danger of losing the safest Conservative seat in the country." "Get a grip." " Full steam ahead..." " You said that earlier." " It wasn't funny then." " He's run out of steam." "You see?" "He's quick." "Get on the ball!" "Um..." "Charlotte..." "Don't tell me..." "No, it's gone." "Fraser." "Do you want to talk about women or something?" "No, I'd like to talk about immigration, as I was before you interrupted me." "It's interesting that people very rarely mention that our immigration laws are some of the most stringent in the world." " Ronald, you'd bear me out." " That is the case." "Statistics show that more people emigrate than immigrate into..." "Shh!" "Shh!" "Shh!" "I've never done five." "Great." "Six..." "Let's have another question from the studio." "Yes, the woman..." "Yes, the woman with this business." "What would the panel do to create more cycle lanes..." "No, that's a terrible question." " The gentleman with the spectacles." " Yes, I'd like to ask..." "Hang on." "Are you a slaphead?" "I'm sorry?" "Are you a bald Kojak big foot hater?" "I just have question about sport." "I'm sorry." "My mistake." "Please go ahead." "Thank you." "I'd like to ask the panel their views on the possibilities... (BRUMMIE ACCENT) ..of the Bald Olympics coming to Birmingham!" "All right, Dad!" "Bald Brummies!" " Bald Brummies!" " What..." "Who are you?" "Who are you?" "I am Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III." "No, you're not." "I'll tell you exactly who you are." "You're Martin Dwyer." "You're Entertainments Officer for Warwick University Students' Union." " He's not your father." "Who's he?" " (BRUMMIE ACCENT) David Harrison." "Don't do that voice any more." "It's not funny." " (SOUTHERN ACCENT) David Harrison." " What does he do?" "He's a tutor in political science." " And what are you studying?" " Law." "What do your parents think of all this?" "They're not that keen." "Everyone likes a bit of fun, but you're just wasting people's time." "Get yourself a girlfriend." "Well, I think we know a little bit more... (BRUMMIE ACCENT) Bald Brummies!" "We're back!" "He's a slaphead!" " You are a bloody shit!" " Oh..." "You're a bloody buggering shitting buggerhead." "Please..." "I think he's just lost the safest Conservative seat in the country!" " Full steam ahead!" " You bugger!" "Please..." "Don't." "This is not political debate!" "If you're going to fight, do it in the car park!" "Stop it!" "Please!" "Get security!" "Get security!" "Right." "I'll have you!" "I'll have both of you!" "Come here!" "Come here!" "I'll have you!" "Right, I'll have you!" "Right..." "Right!" "And on that bombshell, it's time to say knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, my guests." "If you want to write in, then do so." "Good night and a-ha!" "# Knowing me, knowing you #"