"I deliver perfection..." "and don't brag about it!" ":" "D" "When we were kids, me and Rudy liked to play cops and robbers." "Only trouble was, neither of us ever wanted to be the cop." "Now, we're grown-up and the truth is, we're on a bad streak - a 15-year bad streak." "Until now." "Yeah." "Rudy knows this guy, who knows a guy whose brother works for the security firm who's given us the tip-off for our one big job." "The one that'll set us up for life." "This time, we even went out and bought a gun." " Everybody down!" "Now, move!" " Get yourself down." "Open the door." "Any buttons get pressed, you get hurt." "Don't look up, don't look at my face!" "Don't look up!" "Don't open the case!" "Ahh!" "God!" "Shoot the lock!" "Jimmy, shoot the bloody lock!" "Have you shot it yet?" "Er..." "What's going on?" "Oh..." "You're not leaving me?" "Jimmy Hands!" "If you leave me here..." "Aw, Jim!" "Jim?" "Jimbo?" "Stop!" "Police!" "Get down!" "Don't move!" "# I said yeah # # I said yeah #" "# Is what they say # # Is what they say #" "# Can you hear?" "I said yeah # # Said yeah #" "# Is what they say # # Is what they say #" "# Do you believe I would take # # something with me #" "# And give it to the policeman?" "#" "# I wouldn't do that #" "# And if I do that, I would say #" "# "Sir, come down and put the charge on me" #" "# I wouldn't do that #" "# No, I wouldn't do that #" "# I'm not a fool to hurt myself #" "# I was innocent # # of what they done to me #" "# It was wrong... #" "AC0027 Hands." "Transferred from Wormwood Scrubs." "This is a respectable establishment, Hands." "As long as you respect us, we don't kick your bollocks in." "# Give it to me one time # # Huh #" "# Give it to me two time # # Huh, huh #" "# Give it to me three time # # Huh, huh, huh #" "# Give it to me four time # # Huh, huh, huh, huh # # 54-46 was my number #" "# Right now someone has that number #" "# One more time # # 54-46 was my number, was my number #" "# Right now,# #somebody has got that number #" "# Oh, yeah, I said yeah # # I said yeah #" "# Is what they say # # Is what they say #" "# Oh, I say, "Help me now" #" "# Is what they say # # Is what they say... #" "Lucky, that's me." "If you gotta be in Long Rudford, cell 15 is definitely the place to be." "It's quiet, south facing, you've got your view, it's lovely." "Hold up!" "There's a cow!" "There's another one!" " There's some sheep!" " What colour are they?" "They're sort of whitish." "Do us a favour and count them." "Oh, right, yeah!" "Good one, yeah!" "All right, come on." "My little boy, he loves the countryside, loves it." "All the fresh air, animals and that." ""Aminals" he calls them." "Yeah, aminals." "Right..." "Hands." " Gumbell." " Thanks, sir." "That's nice." "It's from Julie." "Oh, right." "# There is nothing you can name that is anything like... #" " Sir." " Carry on." "AC0027 Hands, sir." " On your feet, Hands." " "Stand up, Hands" works better." "This is Mr Mortimer, the Governor." "You get into trouble very quickly." "You arrive from Wormwood Scrubs, 5pm, at half past, you're in the block." "The film never did it justice." "South Pacific, the musical." "I heard you singing Nothin' Like a Dame." "You know..." "Mitzi Gaynor." "Nowhere near as good as Stella Budd." " Stella Budd?" " In South Pacific." "My dad had the original soundtrack recording." "South Pacific." "Very impressive." "Thank you... sir." "You'll find this less than impressive, sir." ""March 1982, on probation for car theft."" ""June '84, six months."" ""Attempted hold-up of a... hot-dog stand."" ""July '88, betting shop." "March '91, jewellers."" ""Now, five years into a 12-year sentence for armed bank robbery."" "This doesn't make happy reading, Hands." "Remember, one knife, one fork, one spoon." " That's it?" " That's it." "I like a challenge." "Guscott will show you what to do." "Hello, Rudy." "Sorry." "Sorry about this." " It's fine." " Sorry." "Sorry." "Stop apologising will you, you freak?" "S-Sorry." "AC0027 Hands." "Thanks." "Annabel Sweep." "Welcome to the prisoner support unit." "You must be one of these do-gooders." "That's me." "Come to help unfortunates get back on the straight and narrow?" "Nothing gets past you." "You must be of those master criminal types." "Bank robber." "Bank robber." "Wait till I tell my friends." "They'll be impressed." "We are considered elite criminals." "Is that why you became a bank robber?" "To impress women?" "That was a by-product." "OK, then." "I'll explain something to you, Jimmy." "Nine out of the ten prisoners I meet get out, screw up and are back inside within six months." "It's my job to help you break that cycle." "Right." "I suggest that you attend some of our Addressing Offending Behaviour courses." "We need to define the problem, Lenny." "Tell me what you think the problem is, Darren." "You are watching Gardener's World, Lenny." "It's about tomatoes, Darren." "But I want to watch London's Burning, it's about a fire in a school, Lenny." "Let's discuss our problem more, Darren." "I'm sure we can reach a compromise." " You'd really say that, Lenny?" " No!" "No, I'd say..." "Let's maximise..." "Let's generate alternatives." "Good." "Do you have any particular alternatives in mind?" "Oh, yes." "I have a question, Annabel." "Welcome to Anger Management." "If there's a certain someone who's got all this anger that he can't get rid of, that's bad for that someone, right?" "Your point being?" "Wouldn't it be better for that person to... forgive and forget?" "Well, if there is to be closure..." " Closure!" "Ha!" " Closure." "You left me, Jimmy." "Turned around, walked away, didn't look back." "You abandoned me, mate." "After all we'd been to each other." "Point of information." "We're talking money, bank, robbery." "Oh!" " Oi, I got captured!" " We all got captured." "That's why we're in prison." "Sit down, please." "Thank you." "I got 12 years, James." "I lost my flat..." "I lost my job, I lost my woman." " What about the motor?" " Nah, a mate's got it." " Oh, good." " No, it's not good." "It's bad." "You never leave your mates behind, right?" "It's a rule, it's in the Bible!" "It is rather a breach of the old code." "Anyone friggin' run out on me, they'd never do it again." "You left me in the bank, James." "You blew the job, Rudy, not me." "What do you mean, you dickhead?" "Enough, enough, enough!" "Now, sit down, all of you!" " I said sit down, Hands." "Thank you, gentlemen." "Right." "What we all forgot to do then... was to "define the problem"." "The problem is Rudy..." "Jimmy Hands only cares about Jimmy bloody Hands!" "Has anyone ever got out of here?" "It's just a question!" "Who do you think you are, Steve McQueen?" "No." "No one's gone over the wall in years." "I could, though... if I felt like it." "Yeah, of course you could." "How?" "How am I gonna tell you that when I am not talking to you?" "OK, OK." "But this is gonna take men with balls, Jimmy, real balls." "There's no way to get out of any of the wings, they're all double-locked." "And there's two fences before you even get to the wall." " Promising so far!" " Now... what you do is, you get into the old chapel." "What?" "!" "Come here." "Come here!" "OK, that there." "That is the weak link." "They don't use it any more cos of the riots." "It's all falling down, it's got minimum security." "Break out of the old chapel, and there's just ONE fence between you and the wall." "Yeah, but you have to get into the old chapel first." "Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy!" "You can get anywhere you want when you are carrying a shooter." " A shooter?" " They get smuggled in." "You get out that gate, through the fence and blow the wall." " Blow the wall?" "!" " With jelly." "Boom!" "Boom?" "OK, just so as I'm clear..." "A bomb's gone off, we're standing in a pile of rubble, in the middle of nowhere..." "No, Rudy, it's a good plan." "It's good, it's good." " Come in!" "Excuse me, sir." "AC0027 Hands." "This is terrible, Hands." "You have been with us less than three weeks and you've spent all but two days in solitary." "Tragic." "Tragic." "Wonderful actress, tragic life." " Sir?" " Stella Budd." "Ah." "Your love of musical theatre must have given you something to fall back on when you were in solitary." "Don't know where the time went, sir." "You're very fortunate." "Most of the men don't have that." "They can't imagine what it's like to be a shady New York gambler, a devious French count or a great English naval hero." "Amateur dramatics." "Joined a group three years ago - best thing I ever did, Hands." "Think it'll work here - lift morale, broaden horizons." "I don't know, sir." "When it comes to raising morale, cons like traditional things - football, TV, porn." "The men used to do a show every Christmas - magnificent." "They think anyone into acting is..." "One year, the old chapel was packed to the rafters." "We haven't done anything like that since the riots." "And they're afraid of looking ridiculous..." " Where did you put on the show?" " The chapel." "Good acoustics, vicar liked to be heard." "Are you saying the men wouldn't be interested?" "Not at all, sir." "Scratch any con and underneath you'll find a shady gambler or a devious count or even a great English naval hero." "Oh, excellent, good!" "I've persuaded Miss Sweep to bring in a new man to start the ball rolling" " Paul." "You'll like him." "Excellent motivator, v inspirational." "...and as Brecht said," ""Nothing... nothing in this world has the liberating power of drama."" "He said it in German, of course." "OK, erm..." "Ahem..." "Well, let's start with an exercise." " An exercise?" " Yeah." "I thought we were doing a show?" "Well, Jimmy..." "Is Jimmy OK?" " I prefer James." " James." "No, Jimmy." "Jimmy's friendlier." "Call him whatever you want, Paul." "OK, what I'd like to try... is for you to think of an episode in your past and now... take that episode and hold it like a ball." "Like a... right." "Now, what have you got there?" "Roger." "Er... erm..." "Hmm..." "Oh, yes." "Oh, I say!" "It's..." "Governor present." "Hello, Paul, Miss Sweep." "How's it all going?" " Great, great." " Splendid, splendid." "Not exactly a cast of thousands." "But there's tremendous energy." "I'm glad you're here cos I was moving on to improvisation." " Oh..." "Oh, dear." " Yeah." "I realise you're the expert..." "In my experience, amateurs prefer to work from a text." "Something structured and concrete." "Yeah, right." "I see what you're saying, but I was planning to, er..." "do something a bit more real." "A play based on the men's own lives, experiences, hopes, dreams, fears." "That's a thought." "Could be a touch depressing." "Exactly." "What everyone... really wants, sir, is a bit of escapism." "Singing, dancing, good story, great songs, a hero..." " A great hero!" " Oh, yes, yes, sir, yes." "A love story, maybe." "Yes, yes!" "A passionate love story, between a beautiful, tragic woman and a... erm, well..." "I... wonder where we could find something like that." "Who'd have thought the governor had a secret dream?" "Sweet, isn't it?" "Almost as sweet as your secret passion for musicals." "Everyone has a hidden side to them." "You probably look at me and think..." "No, I don't think anything." "...he wouldn't appreciate the finer things in life." "He's just a glamorous bank robber." " You couldn't be more wrong." " I look at you and think... not stupid exactly..." "OK-looking..." "So what's she doing in prison?" "I'm not in prison, Jimmy... you are." "There is no way I am tap dancing out of here with you." "Rudy!" "Rudy, Rudy." "Do you remember the first time we were captured?" " No." " Everyone remembers their first!" "I'm really sorry, I don't." "It was, like, years ago." " I was 18, you were 17." " Oh, yeah!" "The bookies." "Yeah." "Nightmare." "Remember in the cells under the magistrates court, they put us in with..." "That bank robber!" "That man was a legend." " He was..." " Billy Morris." " Out of Hoxton." " Billy Morris!" "What?" "Billy Morris, legend." "I wondered why he was looking at me funny." "Look at him." "We need to get out!" "If we get a show on, we've got noise, distraction, it's perfect." "And, Rudy... it's in the old chapel." "It's in the old chapel?" "The weak link" " YOU said it." "While everyone's taking their bows, you and me exit stage left." "Forever." "Unless we can get a cast of thousands, we're going nowhere." " No." " Come on, Cliff." "Think about it." "The family would come - the boy, too." "I'm no actor, Jim." "No." "I wouldn't want to show meself up in front of him." "Music!" "You play things, don't you?" "That's years ago." "I've seen the pictures on the cell wall." "You've played in bands, you've played in pubs." "You can do the music, mate." "Think how proud your boy would be seeing his daddy on the stage!" " Yeah?" " Yeah." "Yeah, yeah..." "Assume the position." "Face the wall." "You too, Gumbell." "So, Gumbell, doing your smalls?" "Yes, sir." "Gotta look smart." "Little boy's coming up for a visit." " Whoops!" "Off you go." " All right?" " Yeah." "Have to do it again, won't I?" "What is it with you and Perry?" "Er, nothing." "Come on, Cliff, you can trust us." "It's nothing at all, no." " I'll just go ask him." " No!" "No, don't, please." "A couple of months ago," "I'm out on exercise and I gotta write this letter, so I come back to the cell a bit early." "I walked through the door... and there's Perry standing there, he's got hold of my mate's, my ex-cellmate's porn." "He's stealing it?" "No, no." "Not exactly stealing it, Jim, more like... using it." "Oh, God!" "That's an image I really don't need... need in my head." "Yeah, well, ever since then, he's been on me back, you know." "Oh, man!" "That's priceless." "Don't say nothing, will you?" "Wayne, have you thought about the liberating power of drama?" "Who the fuck is this, Rud?" "Jimmy Hands, Wayne." "Wayne, Jimmy Hands." "Hello, Wayne." "I'm catering a party." "Ten gallons for Friday night." "I don't have time for this shit-brain." "Right." "Oh, erm... how much for a wee one?" " 40... 40." " 20." "No, 20!" "That's all I've got." "20 now, 20 later." "Absolutely." "No problem." " Later, Rud." " Yeah." "Old Bill, do you wanna be in the show or not?" "Tempting but if it's the same to you, I'll stick to shovelling shit." "No." " With your voice..." " You got the looks." " No way." " Come on!" "You have talent." "No." "So another Jimmy Hands plan bites the dust." "Can I have my phone card, please?" "Jim, where are you going?" "Jimmy?" "Ah, Hands!" "How's casting going?" "Dear." "Shame about the turnout, isn't it?" "Isn't it?" "I do my best to spread the word about the liberating power of drama and then..." "OK, take a seat." "Oh!" "One phone card each." "So... who would like to play Nelson?" "Nelson the brave, the intrepid." "The legendary Nelson." "Yes, well..." "This is an opportunity to portray one of the greatest English heroes of all time." "Horatio, Lord Nelson, was Admiral of King George III's navy." "He lost an eye at Calvi, an arm at Tenerife and his heart to the most beautiful woman of the age," "Emma Hamilton." "He gave his life, finally, at the Battle of Trafalgar against Napoleon." "His last words were..." ""Kiss me, Hardy."" "So... who would like to tackle this magnificent part?" "If no one had any objections, I'd love to play George III." "Well done, Chamberlain." "Now, what about Nelson?" "Come on, lads, eh?" "The brave, the, erm... intrepid, the legendary Nelson, eh?" "The greatest English hero of all time!" "That's you, isn't it, Jimmy?" "Brave, intrepid, hero." "I'm Irish, couldn't do the accent." "Put me down for jolly tar number three." "Don't sell yourself short." "Poke you in the eye, cut off your arm, it'll be perfect." "We have our Nelson." "Er, no." "No..." "Now, the divine Emma ought to be more straightforward." "Erm, no." "Well, I have to say, I think you'd be perfect." "Thank you, but no." "We need a leading lady - a woman." "That's settled, then." "Right, press on." "Who's for Hardy?" "How the hell did I end up as Hardy?" "Who is this Hardy geezer anyway?" "Nelson's sidekick." "He hero-worships Nelson." "Oh, right." "And YOU'RE Nelson." "Rudy, it's acting, pretend." "Too right it's pretend." "Kiss me, Hardy." "There's no way I'm doing it." "It's what men in 1805... did." "I don't care when they did it, I ain't kissing him." " No way." " What?" "!" " I quit." " Wise up." "It's acting." " It's pretend." " Yeah, yes..." "Rudy, imagine..." "You'll find the true register..." "if you embody the character." "What's he saying to me?" "You've got to embody the character, you've got to be the character." "Rudy, remember..." "You don't mind, Paul?" "You know when we were up in court last time?" "When we were giving evidence?" "What were we doing?" " Getting 12 years." " Apart from that." " I don't know, lying?" " Exactly." "When we were lying, we were acting." "Acting the part of innocent men, we were embodying the role." "Right, so you're saying acting is about lying?" " Yes." " Right." "Er... actually it's about truth." "Make your bloody minds up!" "When I was in the box, like," "I used to think about me mum being run over." "I'd have these sort of sad, hurt eyes." "I'll show you." "You got 18 years." "Shut up, you toilet." "Look, er, Rudy..." "This isn't here." "There's no walls, there's no prison, it's 1805." "You are Hardy, OK?" "Hardy is you." "Let's go, come on." "Come on, let's do it." "OK, OK." " OK." " We've not got all day." "OK, I'm coming." "I'm ready." "Action." "Kiss me, Hardy." "OK." "Shut up, shut up." "Do you see?" "Cos that's now all over the wing." "Bit of an unfortunate fixation with fire... burnt down schools." "In the holidays." " That's some lifestyle." " Amy." "Great girl." "Great pilot." "And she's got millions..." "from his big scam." "Spot of creative accountancy." "Earl Grey OK?" "Erm... yeah." " So..." " So." "Can we get a couple of minutes with your boy?" "In private, like." "We don't keep secrets in this cell." "Roger looks after me." "Well, fair enough, then." "We were wondering if Darren could help us with a problem." "What sort of problem?" "A lock problem." "I take this is indicating that you've lost interest in long-term imprisonment?" "We're thinking of leaving, yes." " Yeah." " I'll do it." "Darren." "There's a gate in the old chapel." "No doubles lock" " I've noticed that." "And you reckon you could do it?" "Schools and that, they're easy to get into." "But try burning down a high-tech office block - it's a challenge." "I'll make you a key as long as I'm in." " If you make a key, you're in." " I'm in." "What?" "We can't take him with us, he's a menace to society." "Hear that, Rog?" "I'm in, which means I'm out." "I'm in, I'm out, I'm in, I'm out..." "Mate, MATE!" " You'll come, won't you?" " No." "You'd have no problem on the run with your millions." "You'll get caught and you'll get another five years, if you don't, a life on the run is no life." "Escapes are dangerous." "There are big walls to be considered, heights, falls, Darren, don't do this." " What's that?" " Cuttlefish." "They've used it for millions of years." "It'll take a perfect mould." "We'll need an impression of the key and a piece of metal." "Something with a low melting point - lead, tin, pewter." "Not much." "I'll ask Perry, he might throw in bolt cutters." "Oh, yeah, and matches." "Loads and loads of matches." "Do it." "But it's so risky." "Seven more years." "That's seven Christmas trees." "Or 2,500 nights alone in a double bed." "364 lonely Sundays." "12,770 cups of prison tea." "Do it, Rog." "It's so romantic." "You're not going to spoil it, are you, Jim?" " Spoil what?" " The show." "Sorry, I can't help thinking that you're planning something." "Now, Cliff, the first rule of sharing a cell - keep yourself to yourself." "I won't ask you what you're in for, then." "Second rule, never ask a man what he's in for." "What you in for?" " I jumped a yellow light." " Hmm?" "This bloke in the band says to me," ""Drive the car across town."" "I thought it sounded a bit funny, but... he wasn't the sort of bloke you say no to." "Anyway, I jumped a yellow light." "Got pulled by the police." "Turns out the car was packed full of weed and pills and stuff." "I got five years." "If only I hadn't jumped that bloody light." "Er, yeah..." "Well, it's getting there." "No, it's not working." "Excuse me, sir, do you mind if I try something a bit different?" "Very well." "I thought we'd just jazz it up a bit." "Yeah, go on, Cliff." "I'll count you in." "A one, a two, a one two three four." "Good grief!" "Darren!" "I can't believe I'm letting this happen." "Get in there you little..." "Go on, in." "This had better work, you nutcase." "To build the set, they'll allow us tools, timber, everything the escape artist could possibly desire." "The shape of the top of the wall means we can't use a grappling hook with the rope ladder." " So we tie the end of to a pole." "And we lean the pole up against the wall." "That's a 30ft wall!" "Where do we get a pole that size?" "Darren." "We can use one of the masts." "And the rope ladder?" "Rigging." "Brilliant." "We can hide the kit under the stage, our wooden horse, you could say." " There's still the fence." "Five minutes." "Bolt cutters?" "That's a tricky one." "They're hard to hide." "Just the head - we can make the handles here." "I know a bloke on the outside, he used to smuggle diamonds by carrier pigeon from Spain." "Carrier pigeon?" "Wouldn't the bolt cutters be a bit... heavy?" "One vital difference - dead pigeon." "How do you think all the ganja gets in here?" " All right, Lenny." " Hi." "That screw's trying to get his hands on my prize tomatoes." "Lenny, I need a favour." "There's something I need to hide," "I was wondering if I could dig it in." " Is it organic?" " It's a pair of bolt cutters." "OK, they could do with a bit of iron." "Greedy bastard." "Hi, Lenny." "Enhanced Thinking Skills, 10am, where were you?" " Relaxing." " We might be acting together, but if you don't show me respect, you're off the courses." "Come on, Lady Hamilton, the role was made for you." "It'll be fun." " I don't have time for fun." " What happened, Annabel?" "Did you wake up one morning and go, "I'll work in a prison."" "How sad is that?" "A little bit less sad than being an amateurish bank robber." "Amateurish?" "You don't get 12 years for being an amateur." "That's exactly why you get 12 years." "Lenny, let go." "Lenny, think about..." "Right, I've got a hostage." "You come in here and I'll kill her!" "Lenny, let Annabel go or this tomato is ketchup." "I'm telling you, ketchup!" "Let go of my pomodoros!" "Bastard!" "Now look, Lenny, no..." "Stay there, you bastard!" "Don't come in here!" "Lenny..." "Jimmy and I, we can't help noticing that you're really outnumbered." "What am I gonna do now?" "You might have to start..." "Generating alternatives." "Sorry." "I'm not going down to chokey, I can't." "If you give yourself up now, there's a chance..." "You too, Hands." "You OK?" "Yeah." "Thank you." "Move, Hands!" "This achieves what, exactly?" "What it achieves is a very pleasant glow right here." "I'm sure you get the same feeling with your courses." "What I do is intended for the men's benefit, not mine." "Grown men?" "Grown criminal men, dressing up, singing and dancing." "Where's the benefit in that?" "Don't you believe in rehabilitation?" "No, I don't." "Doing this job for 20 years has proved it." "Excuse me." "# Stay with me, be with me #" "# Say you'll always # # sail the world with me #" "# Till the end of... #" "Can't you see we're rehearsing?" "!" "It's Hands, sir." "Ah, good to have you on board again, Hands." "Or should I say "Horatio"?" "I was reading in for you, I hope you don't mind?" "No, no." "It's good to be on board again, sir." "Especially as it's a bit sooner than I expected." "You have Miss Sweep to thank for that." "Or should I say, "Lady Hamilton"?" "If I didn't know better, I'd think you might have ulterior motives." "OK, let's take it from the top." "From the beginning." "# Used to think # # that men were fools #" "# I thought that women were a snare #" "# That I would always live alone #" "# I never thought that anywhere # # I'd find a love to call my own #" "# Suddenly here you are #" "# Suddenly my heart's aflame #" "# Here you are #" "# Here we are #" "# And life will never # # be the same... #" "What are you doing?" "It's in the script." "That was brilliant." " It was awful." " Well..." "Maybe not brilliant, but good, definitely." "Annabel, when you come in with your "suddenly here you are", you come in much stronger, yeah?" "# SUDDENLY here you are #" "Er... here we go..." "Yeah, on the harmonies, you got to listen to each other much more carefully - you were out that time, Jim." "This is ridiculous." "I should never have got involved." "I'm glad you did." "I'm glad I did." " Have you seen these lyrics..." " I don't mean this." "I've been thinking..." "Let's go again from "Suddenly"." "And Jimmy... arm." "Yes." "# Suddenly here you are #" "# Suddenly my heart's aflame #" "# Here we are #" "# Here we are # # and life will never be the same... #" "What are you doing tonight?" "I'm planning a quiet night in." "TV dinner for one." "Oh, yeah?" "So I take that to mean there's no Mr Sweep." "There's an ex." "Now he's an ex-ex." "There's something I've got to say." "Before you say anything inappropriate, remember I am an employee of the prison service and you are an inmate serving time." "What do you want to say?" "I think about you all the time and I don't what to do about it." "It's not like I can offer you a lift home or ask you out for dinner." "You can ask." "Would you like to go out to dinner?" "I'm free in about five years." " All right, lads." "Are you having trouble?" "Yeah, it's a letter to Julie, things have been a bit rocky, you know?" "I was thinking, if I could write something, you know, from the heart, it might..." " You couldn't give me a hand, Jim?" " Me?" "No, mate." "I know what I want to say, I just..." "I just haven't got the words, you know?" "Sure you can't help me?" "Not me." "But I know a man who can." "Wait there." "Look, chaps, this is not really my... forte." "Get on with it, Rog." "What about all that poetry?" " Erm..." " "Dear Julie..."" ""Darling..." "Julie."" ""Darling Julie..." That's good." "Erm..." "OK, er..." ""Darling Julie..."" "You love her, so why don't you just say it?" "That's the problem though, innit?" "I... don't know how to." "Well, say..." ""I think about you all the time and I don't know what to do about it."" "Yeah, possibly." "What about "I miss you"?" " Yeah." " Yeah?" ""I, er..." "I wanna lick you all over," "I wanna make you..." "shine with my love."" ""I wanna fill you full of my seed and watch you swell with images of me."" ""I wanna give you some back-a-yard ooh-la-la."" "Well..." "I don't think that really is my Julie's cup of tea." " No?" " Thanks, Rudy." "What would I say to Amy?" "I'd say..." ""I-I-I'm..." "I'm not a kid," "I-I-I don't believe in, er... love at first sight or that love conquers all..."" "This is good, you should get this down." ""...in fairy tales, I don't believe in happy endings."" ""But I do believe a man and women can make each other... happy."" "That's really good." "Do you hear that?" "I knew he'd come up with something." "Thanks." "How'd it go again?" ""I'm not..."" " "Dear Julie..." - "Darling Julie..."" "I've, er..." "I've arranged for a car to be waiting." "It's gotta be a proper motor, Rog." "Can't be some pissy tin can." "Any particular make in mind?" "Yeah, black man's wheels." " What?" " BMW." " Oh." " Seven series, though, yeah?" "Green, blue?" " Blue would be nice." " Yes." "No, I'll tell you what, silver." "A silver Beamer, seven series." " Look nice outside the house." " OK." "Amy won't let me down." "John Tombes." "He's an evil bastard." "# Four months at sea... # No." "# Four months at sea # # is more than a man can stand #" "# Four months at sea # # and not a sign of land #" "# Hard tack, dried beef, # # a life of pain and dirt #" "# Salt bread, dried beef # # and not a sign of skirt... #" "Land ahoy!" "Oi." "Oi." "What a 'orrible noise." "Old Bill, you still here?" "Hello, Kenny." "There are some familiar faces." "Back again, Arthur?" "Ward, are you sure?" "Rudy." "Well, well, if it ain't Jimmy Hands." "How's life treating you, Jimmy?" "A bit samey, John." "You know how it is." "Hi." "Your face is new." "What you in for?" "We're in the middle of a rehearsal, it's a little bit intense." "You're welcome to stick around and watch or..." "George can arrange for you to be taken back to the wing." "I'll watch." "Right, first positions." "Let's go from the top." "Could be a little bit dis..." "Fine." "OK." "Jimmy, arm!" "Cliff." " # Four months at... #" " No." "Now." "# Four months at sea #" "# Is more than a man can stand... #" "Do you know what people have been saying, Jimmy?" "They been saying that that Jimmy Hands really knows his onions." "I don't really." "All right, Kenny, Ward?" " All right, Jimbo." " All right, Jim." "Go on." "I'm doing 25 years, Jimmy." "Now, how can I put this..." "I get very, very depressed." "It's come to my attention that you're plotting something that can help my depression." "No, no, I'm not." "I swear." "Have you got room for your new best friend on your trip?" "Have you got room for your new best friend on your trip?" "OK, I'm putting one together, but there's four of us." "Four's complicated." "Two's smart." "Just me and you." "OK." "OK, John, OK." "OK." "Hello!" "Hello!" "Hello, love." "Here, mate, come and sit here." "That's it." "All right?" "Sit down, Gumbell." "You may kiss your visitor at the start and end of your visit." "Physical contact is not permitted and may result in your visit being terminated." "You been a good boy, then?" "Ritchie boy, yeah?" "What's up, little man?" "Hey?" "Your dad's a musical director, yeah." "I'm doing the music for a big show." "What, in here?" "You didn't get my letter?" "I sent you a long letter all..." "lovey-dovey and that." "Hmm, yeah." "I got it." "Is anything going on, Julie?" "No, Cliff!" "No, no, no." "Only..." "You know what it's like in here, love." "You imagine all sorts of stuff." "Don't cry, Ritchie boy." "No, no." "What's the matter, hey?" "Here, look." "What's this?" "A lion?" "Yeah?" "I went to the zoo with Uncle Alan." "Let the boy alone, Gumbell." " Leave him, will you?" " Sit down!" "Just tell me there's nothing going on." "Everything's gonna be all right, isn't it?" "Yeah, course it is." "Yeah!" "Course it is." " Visit terminated." " No, I was just..." " All right, Cliff?" " Yeah." " Good visit?" " Yeah!" "Great, lovely." "Take me with you, Jim." "Take you where?" "Everyone knows what you're up to." "Take me with you." "Please." "No, Cliff." "What is this, The Great Escape?" "You're working late." "If I were you, I wouldn't hang around here one second more than the absolute minimum." "Stuff to do." "Catching up." " Come on." " Jimmy!" "Your table awaits." "Come on." "Mr Phillips." "Come in, come in." "Beans and sardines." "Yum!" "For starters... hubris pomodoros." " Lenny's gonna go mad." " I'll tell him they were for you." " Jimmy, I really should go." " No, no." "Hold on." "Do you fancy a nightcap?" " What's that?" " Chateau Long Rudford." " Is this hooch?" " I've been saving it." "Cheers." "Oh, Jesus!" "Yep!" "That's absolutely disgusting." "It's vile, isn't it?" "Cheers!" "If I could, I'd like to take you to the Skandia restaurant," "Howard Street, Belfast." "It's been there years." "My dad used to take us there for a treat." "He loves musicals, my old man." "He used to take me and my mum to the Grand Opera House, we'd see a show and then go for a meal in the Skandia." "It was a big thing for us when I was a kid." "I'd like to go one day." "I... didn't give you a fair chance, Jimmy." "No, no." "You've been fair." "Working in a prison... you get to think everyone has an angle." "It's understandable." "There's a lot of bad people in here." "I think I'm beginning to lose my judgement." "Are you a bad person, Jimmy?" "There's something I've got to tell you." "I thought you already had." "No, there's something else." "Extra rehearsals?" "Good evening, Mr Barratt." "Come on, Hands." "Don't push your luck." "Nelson's tunic, made from a donkey jacket." "Great." "Really good initiative." "Fantastic." "For the officers... epaulettes." "Really well done." "And... eye patch!" "Made from a plastic spoon." "That is good." "King George's crown." "Oh!" "Very... very regal." "The admiralty hats will be made from newspaper." "And Nelson's hat..." "Jimmy!" "Is made from donkey jacket material and card." " Here..." " Oh, yes!" "Yeah, that's great... and... my hat?" "Well, we can only manage one star hat and Hardy gets a newspaper." "Yeah." "So he gets the best hat and I get the crap hat?" "He gets the eye patch, all the best lines... and he gets the woman, Paul." " It's the lead role." " Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh..." "Rudy, come on." "It's only a hat." "Nice one, that's great." "Leave them in the wings, please." " Paul, sorry, excuse me." " Yep." "Bit of a problem, Archer's had to drop out." "Why?" "Why?" "What's the problem?" "Voice - it's gone." "John's agreed to step in for me." "OK, have you learnt the lines?" "What do you think?" "Course I have." "I hope so." "Go to make-up, then." "I do hope you're bleedin' joking." " No, I'm not." "Now." " Yeah, John... in you go, steady, yeah?" "Excuse me." "The press office are v excited." "A great opportunity to present the prison in a positive light." "For opening night, there'll be a few critics and maybe a TV crew." " Wow!" " Mr Mortimer..." "This scene where Hardy kisses Nelson." "I thought that was settled." "It's not the kissing, sir, it's more..." "Rudy's raised some questions about Hardy's characterisation." " He has?" " Yeah." "The way it's written - and it's good, sir - but Hardy goes on and on about what a top geezer Nelson is." "And I was thinking, "What about Hardy?" "Who is he?"" ""Where's he coming from?"" "Well, he's..." "He-He's a..." "Rudy's suggested that you might want to have a look at Hardy." "Perhaps tweak it a little?" "Would it help to make him more aware of Nelson's flaws?" "Nelson doesn't have any flaws." "Nelson's the hero." "Yeah, but... that may be seen as a one-dimensional take." "Er, Nelson is also a man." "That could introduce a level..." "Yes, yes, yes." "It's a bit late." "It's the dress rehearsal, after all." " Still..." "See what I can do." " Thank you very much..." "No, you're in the middle." "Get over there." "# Four months at sea... #" "# Four months at sea # # is more than men can stand #" "# Four months at sea # # and not a sign of land #" "# Hard tack, dried beef #" "# A life of pain and dirt #" "# Hard tack, dried beef #" "# And not a sign of skirt... #" "Land ahoy!" "That's my line." "Mr Perry, sir." "I knew they were up to something." "Wait a minute." "Put them back." "Put everything back exactly the way it was." "Sir, shouldn't we confiscate this?" "Our boys would like that." "That way they get away with a month in solitary." "If we wait till they go over the wall, they're bang to rights and get ten more years." "I'll show them who's the star of this poxy show." "You've been charged with fighting, Hands, have you anything to say for yourself?" "Nothing that would make any difference, sir." "So could you just give me my 14 days or whatever it is so I can go and contemplate the error of my ways." "Fighting will not be tolerated, do you understand?" " Never, under any circumstances." " Yes, sir." " What about the show, sir?" " I don't know, Hands." "It was going to be a night you'd never forget." "Your swansong, sir." "Scenery's all ruined." "Half the cast are in the block." "What is it, Mr Perry?" "As you know, sir, I've had my reservations..." "Indeed, Mr Perry." "...but having seen the dress rehearsal," " I'm not so sure." " Oh?" "Really?" "The production is very impressive, sir." "Well." "Well, that's v kind, thank you." "I recommend we proceed with the show." "Good for morale." "Good." "Good." "That's settled, Hands." "You may return to the wing." "Cliff?" "Oh, shit!" "Shit!" "Cliff!" "Oh, Jesus!" "Cliff!" "Is there someone there?" "Help!" "Rog!" " What?" " He's hanging in there." "Oh, Jesus!" "He was..." "He was harmless." "Perry taunted him and bullied him every single day." " I know." " Everyone knew." "No one did anything." "I did nothing." "I did nothing." "I'm sorry." " I don't know what to say." " I'm gonna get him." "I'm gonna get Perry back for Cliff." "Sorry about Cliff." "Here." "They let me out of chokey this morning." "Well done, Lenny." "Do you know what the Italian for tomato is?" "No." "Pomodoro - apple of love." "Don't worry, I won't say anything." "Land ahoy!" "Land ahoy." "Very good." "Land..." "All set?" " What's the plan?" " Got your scripts?" "Just before Nelson dies, that's when you two leave the stage." "Roger and Darren will be waiting for me." "You deal with them and me and John will go out." " Sounds good." "Anything else?" " Yeah." " Don't hurt them." " No worries, Jim." "Jim, could you help me with these buttons?" "Excuse me lads..." "I'd just like to say good luck." " All right, Jimmy?" " Yeah, good, Rudy." "Ah, Guscott!" "There you are." "I've been thinking about what you said about Hardy." "Take a look at that and see what you think." "Nelson says, "The king won't..."" "Hardy says, "You're always like this."" "I like that, sir." "That's better." "Where's my wig?" "Anyone seen my wig?" "Sorry, Annabel, no." "Ten minutes, everybody." "Ten minutes." " Ten minutes." " Paul, mate!" "Look what Mortimer's got me saying now." "Yep." "I can't actually read that cos I can't find my glasses." " Ten minutes." " No, but I'm gonna need..." "Good luck." "# Four months at sea # # is more than men can stand #" "# Four months at sea # # and not a sign of land #" "# Hard tack, dried beef #" "# A life of pain of dirt #" "# Dried beef, hard tack #" "# And not a sign of skirt... #" "Land ahoy." "# Polish up the cannon, # # tar the mizzen beam #" "# Swab and scrub the quarterdecks #" "# Keeping up the pressure, # down upon our knees... #" "Go!" "Go, go, go." "I told you the key would work." ""See Naples and die."" "Isn't that the saying, Hardy?" "I may as well be dead." "Bonaparte has the freedom of the sea and they won't let me at him." "If the men see you like..." "You're always like this, Horatio." "It's always about you." "Wait!" "I'm enjoying this little sideshow." "I've gotta go, I'll miss my cue." "Give me the key." "All right." "Oh!" "The king will be here in a moment." "I trust our royal leader is in good health?" "See for yourself." "He comes now." "He comes now." " Now, you say?" " Sir." "He comes NOW!" "Mind you, he has been looking a bit iffy lately." "Rumours, Nelson, rumours." "I know all about rumours." "They talk about me, you know?" "# I used to think that love had rules #" "# That each side # # played a written part #" "# I used to think # # that men were fools... #" "Quiet!" "Take those." "#... men were fools #" "# I thought that women were a snare #" "# That I would always live alone #" "# I never thought that anywhere #" "# I'd find a love to call my own #" "# Suddenly here you are #" "# Suddenly my heart's aflame #" "# Here you are #" "# Here we are, # # our life will never be the same #" "# The world's at war and men will die #" "# I see it clear with just one eye #" "# Stay with me, be with me #" "# Say you'll never let me go #" "# Sail with me, leave with me #" "# Say you'll always # # sail the world with me #" "# Till the end of time #" "What do you think you're doing?" "Are you that stupid?" "Annabel..." "What's going on, Jimmy?" "You seem a little... distracted." "What?" "!" "Don't fucking lie to me!" "Are you doing what I think you're doing?" "Annabel, I, er..." "I can't believe it!" "You idiot." " Would you calm down?" " Calm down!" "I trusted you!" "Anger management?" "Bastard." "If you go ahead, I'm not afraid to go to Perry." "Perry already knows." "It's so obvious, I'm surprised you didn't see it." "But when we go over the wall, Perry's career is over." "You could be out in two years, Jimmy." "You're gonna wreck your life." "What life?" " OK, er..." " Yep." "Annabel, erm..." "never fall for your co-star... always ends in tears." "Thank you, Paul." "Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Bombarded to the rear!" " Bombarded to the rear!" " One more broadside..." "Argh!" " You're hit." " The white flag!" "The French have surrendered!" "We are victorious..." "but our valiant leader has fallen." "Gather round, men." "We've gotta go and polish up the old mizzle muzzle thing on the old deck." "The day?" "How went the day?" "Come here, you prick." "Get in there!" "# You gave your life #" "# That we, the living, might be free #" "# The land you love so much #" "# You gave the Nelson touch #" "# Kiss me, Hardy #" "# Kiss my dying brow #" "# I need to know # # her love for me is true #" "# With one last kiss #" "# Be Emma for me now #" "# My love, my soul, # # my darling bride #" "# Kiss him, Hardy #" "# Kiss his dying brow #" "# He needs to know #" "# The love for him was true #" "# It ends without her by my side #" "# It ends #" "# It ends #" "What is that?" "Clever bastards." "Two prisoners, Sterile Area 10." "Deploy C and R. Come on." " Go!" "Go!" " It's a long way down, Jim." "Jump, John, jump." "Where's the other one?" "Where's your partner?" "Come on, Tombes, who is it?" "Who is it?" "Don't be silly, I don't talk to screws." "All right, OK?" "Yeah, OK." " Did Tombes buy it?" " Yeah." "He's gone." "I knew he'd fall for it." "Here's Annabel's wig." "Get dressed." "Leave our clothes by the ladder." " Right." " I'll get Rudy." "OK, Daz?" "# And when we anchor in the harbour #" "# There'll be crowds along the quay #" "# They'll be singing songs # # of joy and victory #" "# And although we beat Napoleon, # # the best is yet to come #" "# So come on and sound # # the trumpet, beat the drum #" "# We'll beat the drum #" "# Home, we're going home #" "# Home, we're going home #" "# And we'll soon be free # # of these wooden walls #" "# It's a prison set on the sea #" "# Can you hear how loudly # # freedom calls?" "#" "# We're coming home, # # we're coming home #" "# We're coming home #" "# We're coming ho-oooo-me... #" " How are Roger and Menace?" " Fine." " Are they all right?" " Fine." "Come on." "Did you see my solo, Jim?" " What?" "!" " Did you see my solo?" "Yeah, you've got a real future." "Come on!" "We are gathered on this ship to honour our valiant leader..." "Lord Nelson, Admiral of the fleet." "Down the block, I was thinking..." "What?" "!" "I was thinking love is like tomatoes." "You've got to give it the right start, a good seed and a good place to grow." "But if you don't feed it, water it, care for it, it just dies." "Oh, and you got to watch out for end rot." "What are you talking about?" "She's a lovely girl." "If you go now, you'll lose her." "Thank you, Lenny." " Thanks." " Oh, yes." "Jimmy, don't do it." "It's not just about me." "I've got people depending on me - friends." " I've got to go." " Go where?" "You'll always be on the run, that is not freedom." "I can't do any more time, Annabel." "I just can't do it." "You can, Jimmy." "You CAN do it." "They got Cliff, they're not gonna get me." "Goodbye, Annabel." "Sort this out." "Unit 14, proceed to..." "One still at large." "Right, lads, come on." "I'm not going down there." "No way." " Come on!" " You go first then." "Roger's done climbing." "He's climbed mountains." " Thank you, Darren." " Have you?" "Spot of exaggeration." " I'll give it a go." " Good man." "Back, lads." "Come on." "Keep going, keep going." "You're doing well." "You all right?" "Ah!" "Oh, dear." "Better get the audience out." "And let's keep this under our hats, shall we?" "Could you please leave the hall as quickly as possible?" "I thought we were going to mingle with the inmates." "Sorry, madam, mingling's off." "Right, Rudy, you're up." "OK." " Oh, yeah, good luck." " Yeah..." "You're not coming, are you?" " Er..." " Oh, Jesus Christ, Jimmy!" "Are you mental?" "We're nearly out." "The only thing we've done that's worked and you're gonna walk away from it?" "It's Annabel, isn't it?" " So..." " So..." "Yeah." "OK." "OK, OK..." "Are we set?" "Well, wait for Jim." "Jimmy's not coming, boys." "What?" "He's not coming?" " No." " Annabel?" "Yeah." "But we can still do this, right?" " Yeah." " I mean we can..." "Roger?" " OK." " Yeah?" "OK." "No one's gonna believe I'm a girl." "Look at these legs." "Darren, you embody the role, OK?" "You just be the part." "BE the girl." "You, my friend, are a girl." "Say it." " I am a girl." " Right." "You're a sexy girl." "OK." " Are we good?" " OK." " They'll spot me." " It'll be all right." " OK?" " OK." " This is it, boys." " Right." "I'm on the main gate now." "I think it was marvellous, actually, the way they all got together was very enterprising you, darling?" " Hmm." "Heads up." " Good night." " Good night." "Good night." " Night." " Thank you." " Good night." " Good night." "Thank you." "Officer, may I say how much we enjoyed the show, marvellous!" "Are you planning any further productions in the near future?" " Good night, sir." " Thank you, again." "Terrific." "What's that?" "What's that?" "That ain't a Beamer, Rog." "I don't know, er..." "We'll just go, come on." " Amy?" "Amy!" " Rog?" " Amy!" " Amy!" " Rog!" "Yes!" "Where's Hands?" "Where is he?" "Where have you been, Hands?" "He was with me." "We were discussing the show." "Yeah, they were with me." "Is there a problem?" "Mr Perry, sir, we're... three short." "Get them back to the wing." "Come on, lads." "Get a move on now." "Nice work." "Come on, Hands, you as well." " Oh, wow!" " Yeah!" "# It's good #" "# To be wise #" "# When you're young #" "# Cos you can only #" "# Be young but for once #" "# Enjoy yourself #" "# And have lots of fun #" "# Serve God and live, my friend #" "# And it will never dull #" "# Enjoy yourself #" "# It's later than you think #" "# Enjoy yourself #" "# While you're still in the pink #" "# The years go by #" "# As quickly as you wink #" "# Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself #" "# It's later than you think... #" "Sorry." "I'm sorry." "Whoa!" "Ladies and gents, get your star maps here." "A guide to the homes of the rich and famous." "Find out where the movie stars live." "Star maps!" "You want a star map?" "# Those three were given free #" "# By the Maker #" "# Go to school, learn the rule #" "# Don't be no faker #" "# It's not wise #" "# For you to be a footstool #" "# So, enjoy yourself #" "# It's later than you think #" "# Enjoy yourself #" "# While you're still in the pink #" "# The years go by #" "# As quickly as you wink #" "# Sunny #" "# Yesterday my life # # was filled with rain #" "# Sunny #" "# You smiled at me # # and really eased the pain #" "# Now the dark days are done #" "# And the bright days are here #" "# My sunny one shines so sincere #" "# Sunny one so true, I love you #" "# Sunny #" "# Thank you for the sunshine bouquet #" "# Sunny #" "# Thank you for the love #" "# You brought my way #" "# You gave to me your all and all #" "# Now I feel ten feet tall #" "# Sunny one so true #" "# I love... #" "And then it goes... on, but..."