"What's wrong with her?" "Oh, don't worry about it, honey." "Let's just go inside..." " Is Ellen mad, Mama?" " Is she mad?" "Uh, yeah." "Why?" "She's just a little bit upset... about racism." "Don't worry about it, baby." "Just go to your room." " Okay?" "I'll be right in." " Okay." "I did not expect that from Walter and Ellen!" "I mean, that is some loud sex!" "I know." "Jesus." "How come you don't sound like that when we have sex?" "Yeah, what about that?" ""Lucky Louie" was taped before a live audience." "What are you doing?" "I'm fucking you." "Just relax." "Relax." "It's kinda taking a long time." "Yes, it is." "Louie honey, it's okay." "We're trying to get pregnant." "Just wrap it up." "Relax." "Oh, I know what this is." "Are you trying to make me scream like Ellen?" "Louie honey," "I just got off a double shift." "Seriously, release the doves." "All right, I'll come." "I appreciate that." "Hey, how's it going, Walter?" " Fine." " Ellen and Lisa?" "We're good." "Hey, cool trash can." "Look, I'm sorry to ask you this." "It's none of my business." "I shouldn't be asking you this, but... what are you doing to make Ellen so happy in there?" "Excuse me?" "Sorry, just... you guys seem to be having a great time lately, and I'm interested in, you know, tips, pointers, kinda... for Kim, for me for Kim." "What are you talking about?" "Come on, man, whatever you're doing in there," "Ellen is loving it." "I mean, we can all hear her moaning through the walls all week." "I've been out of town since last Thursday." "Did you have a good trip?" "Was..." " Hey, Rich." " Hey, Lou." " You got a package for me?" " Yeah, we got your package." "Look, man, are you having drugs sent to our house?" "'Cause don't do that." " Have 'em mailed to your own house." " I can't." "My mom opens my mail." "Anyway, this isn't drugs." "It's urine." "So, you're a piss dealer now?" "I sell clean piss as an added convenience for my drug customers." "This piss... is liquid gold." "Well, don't have it sent to my house, okay?" "What is that?" "It's Ellen." "Ooh, that Walter sounds like a master cocksman." "Apparently, it ain't Walter." " Ellen's cheating on him." " That's reprehensible." "Ooh, you like that, you little whore." "What is that guy doing to her?" "He's destroying her." "Oh, shit!" "Yeah, but what is he doing?" "At first I was gonna go with doggy-style, but you know what?" "I think it might be classic missionary, but on a hard surface." "You can hear him compressing her ribcage." "And there's definitely ass play involved." " And she's blowing him." " Mmm mmm!" "Wait a minute." "He's fucking her and she's blowing him?" "That's physically impossible." "Well, for you." "Oh my God." "Poor Walter." "That guy never had a chance." "Walter's just the beginning." "A guy with a skill set like that running around... if Kim's pussy hears about this it's over for you." " Bye-bye, Rich." " Whatever." "I'll be out here for a couple minutes." "Yeah, suck it, Ellen." "Yeah, suck my big beautiful black cock." "We have something to talk about." "What's that, Walter?" "What's been going on here while I'm away?" "What are you talking about?" "What am I talking about?" "You know what I'm talking about." "I really don't know." "Well, the whole building is talking about it." "The neighbors can hear you screaming through the walls." " Who hears me?" " Louie." "Oh, that man needs to get himself a job and stop listening to other people's business." "Ellen... who are you fucking when I'm not around?" "You'd better say something." "Huh?" "Huh?" "Right?" " Did you just yawn?" " No." "Honey, look." "I'm ovulating." "Let's just do this." "It's gonna be good." "Just watch." "Can I watch from over there?" "Louie..." "Wait." "Mmm!" "That's kind of interesting." "Holy shit." "Good, right?" "Holy shit." "That was amazing." "That's never happened before." "Pretty intense, huh?" "No, I mean that has never happened before." "Well, you're welcome." "I think I just had my first orgasm." "What?" "Come on, you've had orgasms before." "Well, I thought I had." "It seemed like you were having orgasms." "Yeah, I thought I was." "It would always feel really good at the end, but nothing like this." "This was so much better." "I had no idea." "I mean, I always thought those big female orgasms were bullshit, like in the movies." "I just never realized it could be more like..." "So ain't that some shit?" "Yeah, right?" "I mean, you were trying all this different stuff, and I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden it's like..." "That's right." "I did it." "I made you scream, and not only that," "I changed your life." "Yeah, and it only took you seven years." "Oh, yeah." "It's okay." "I'm glad it happened." "You did a good job, honey." "You go get yourself a treat from the fridge." "I thought you might be needing this stuff." "Wow, look at all of these." "Thanks, Tina, but I think it's a little early for swapping baby clothes." "I'm not even pregnant." "Hey, you're trying, right?" "That means it's your turn to keep all this shit at your house." "Oh my God." "Lucy used to sleep in this all the time." " Ooh!" " Yeah." "Everything okay, slugger?" "Well... something happened last night." "I had this orgasm that was like," ""Jesus!" You know?" "But that's not the weird part." "The weird part is I think it was my first." "No, I mean that." " I've never had an orgasm before." " Oh, I knew that." " What?" " I knew that you weren't coming." "No, you didn't." "How could you possibly know that?" "I don't know." "It's obvious." "The way you walk." "Everything, you know?" "You're very un-coming." "But hey, you unlocked your box." "Good for you." "This is so fucked up." "I just had my first orgasm at 37?" "What does that mean?" "It means congratulations." "Start living your life." "You know what they say?" "There's no orgasms in heaven." "But all this time has gone by... years and years." "I wanna go back and fuck all my old boyfriends again." "You should." "You deserve it." "No, do what you were doing last time." "I am." "This feels different." "Not to me." "I think your dick was different." "I'm using the same one." "Maybe the angle was different." "All right, all right." "No, that's not right." "I can see your bald spot, and I couldn't see it before." "That's not helping me right now." "Okay, just switch with me." " Okay." " Okay." "All right." "Okay." "No no no no no." "You stay still." "Let me try something." "Okay?" "Okay." " Take it easy." " Stay still!" "Don't..." "Jeez!" "Quit... quit slamming your snatch into me so hard!" "You're gonna rip my dick off, you fucking lunatic!" "Just forget it." "It's not working anyway." "Good, 'cause... ow!" "What did you do?" "You have to remember what you did." "Why is it all on me?" "Because you were the one doing the fucking." "You fucked me." "You made me come." "You need to do it again." "Well, I don't know what I did." "Let's just try again tomorrow." "Wait a minute." "I didn't finish yet." "Why should you get to finish if I haven't?" "Since when is that the rule?" "Since I started having orgasms." "And no jerking off!" "Nobody's coming in this house tonight." "How was that?" "It was great." "Yes, it was." "In fact, I'm thirsty." "It's a nightmare." "I have to make her come, or I don't get to." "Welcome to actual sex." "I hope you enjoyed your free ride." "I've been having sex all week without coming." " Yeah." " I'm so backed up I cry come." "I cut myself shaving and come came out." " When I sweat..." " Hey, stop it, huh?" "My back is killing me 'cause we're doing all these angles and positions." "Yeah, well, there's a reason for that." "You're just being too technical about it." "I mean, it's not about what you're doing." "It's about why you did it." "The thought behind the thrust." "You know, like with me, all right?" "I'm so lucky to have Tina that all I can think about when we're doing it is" ""Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you."" "Then all that gratitude pours out of me into her and makes her pop." "So you just think, "Thank you, thank you"?" "Yeah." "What were you thinking when you accidentally made your wife come for the first time?" "I was thinking..." "I was thinking," ""Scream, you fucking bitch!"" "Well, there you go." "That's good." "It was aggression." "I guess that's what you need." "You gotta, you know, hate her a little." "Hate her?" "A little." "I guess it makes sense." "I mean, she hates me, and I come every time." "How's this?" "Yeah, it's good," "I guess, but no." "All right, we're not giving up this time." "I'm gonna try something." " All right." " Okay." "You fucking bitch!" "What is that, dirty talk?" "No, I was trying to recreate where I was mentally in my head" " when you came." " Really?" "So when I had my first orgasm in my entire life, you were thinking, "You fucking bitch"?" "Yes, I was." "I'm sorry." "Well, at least you were trying something." "I mean, I don't know what the hell to do." "I'm a 37-year-old nurse with no idea about my own body." "Well, maybe it's not about your body." "Maybe it's in your head." "What were you thinking when you came?" " I don't know." " Come on, what were you thinking?" "I don't know." "In my head there was just like nothing." "Like just an empty room with whiteness." "And what were we doing?" "Oh, no, you're not there." "Nobody's there." "No you, no Lucy, no number 8 bus, just nothing." "So in order for you to come, you have to pretend I don't exist?" "Yeah, that's it." "Shit!" "What?" "Well, you came, and I wasn't even in the universe." "I guess that kinda hurts my feelings." "You said "fucking bitch," and I'm fine." "She wasn't cheating on me." " What?" " You heard me." "Yes, I did." "I find it offensive that you assume Ellen is cheating on me just because she's making loud sexual noises when I'm out of town." "Sorry." "How am I supposed to compete with a big piece of vibrating plastic?" "Goddamn made-in-China motherfucker!" "Yeah, well, the only way Kim can have an orgasm is if she pretends I don't even exist, and she's in an empty room alone in the universe." "Wow." "Why is it so complicated?" "You know, back in my daddy's day, all they did was make love to their wives or not." "It wasn't all this." "I know." "So why's it so much harder for us now?" "I guess because... they didn't care whether their wives came or not." "Right." "They really were "the greatest generation."" " Lucy's asleep." " Okay." "I just started my period." " Yeah?" " Yep." "So no baby this month." "Well, good." "I don't think we should have another baby yet." " You should go back on the pill." " What?" "You need to be having regular, frequent, sustainable orgasms, just like me." "Oh, Louie, no." "Look," "I mean, let's stop worrying about all this coming stuff." "I mean, I know I was wound up about it, but it's too much pressure." "I'll just repress my memory of that orgasm." "Please, I was fine with the way it was before... you'd come fast, and I'd get to watch my shows." "No." "That's unacceptable." "We're gonna figure this out." "I promise you with God as my witness we will solve the riddle of your pussy." " Okay." " Good." "You sure this isn't just you trying to put off having another baby?" "No, this is me just trying to fuck you a lot." "Oh, honey, we don't have to do this." "You know, my period." "No, I want to." "I think it's important we get started immediately." "Please, I haven't come in 10 days." "Okay." "I just came." "Mmm." "Oh my God, Walter." "That was amazing!" "That's the best it's been since we've been married." "Glad you liked it." "And where did you get the idea for me to pretend you didn't exist?" "Well, I'm thirsty."