"Come along." "# I'm getting tired of the city All the noise and the mess" "# Want a new beginning and a new address" "# Why don't we run away To somewhere where the birds still sing?" "# I want the green green grass And a country house" "# In a place where my face ain't known" "#And in the green green grass It'll come to pass" "# We'll have somewhere to call our own" "# We'll have somewhere to call our home #" "Well, what do you think, Tyler?" "It's just a load of grass." "No, that is land." "In the future, it'll be worth a fortune." "I've paid enough for it already." "But one day all this will be yours, as far as the eye can see." "What's that funny smell?" "That, Tyler, my boy, is called oxygen." "Horrible, innit?" "I hate oxygen." "Look around you, Marlene." "Hills, fields, woodland, streams, and God's good sunshine." "Yeah." "Ain't natural, is it?" "What do you mean it ain't natural?" "What could be more natural?" "You're breathing pure, unpolluted, fresh air." "Yes, but we're from Peckham." "Our bodies need a bit of pollution." "It's what we're used to." "Good God." "We've only been here a couple of days and I'm already starting to feel a bit gippy." "If this fresh air makes me and Tyler ill, I'll blame you." "In you go." "What in God's name are you doing?" "I'm getting my fix." "My lungs need a bit of toxic waste." "That's better." "Come on, then." "BOYCIE:" "Tyler!" "Switch that bloody noise off!" "TYLER:" "It's all right for you to listen to your Status Quo LP though, innit!" "MARLENE:" "Tyler!" "TYLER:" "This is just so unfair!" "MARLENE:" "Switch it off, or I'll come up those stairs and show you what unfair is!" "Oh, he's only young." "I was young once." "I didn't behave like that." "Yeah, I know, but you were boring." "just look at it." "It's like a bad day in Noah's Ark." "Well, as long as we don't invite Rolf Harris round for tea, we'll be all right." "So I can't play my music now?" "Great." "And do you realise there's not a single skateboard park in this entire county?" "And when I mean none, I mean so none!" "For God's sake, there are worse things in life than not having a skateboard park." "Er, sorry, yeah, like?" "How do you think the starving people in cardboard city feel?" "If they could see this place, quite relieved, I'd imagine." "It's like being in the middle of a séance at Longleat." "I've got no friends up here, wherever this is, and I can't even phone my old friends back in Peckham 'cause you've hidden my phone." "And he won't let me phone my own mother." "My own mother." "Hasn't it sunk in with you two yet?" "Phone calls can be traced, which is not a lot of good when you're on the run from a gang of violent criminals like the Driscoll brothers, who are convinced that I was the supergrass who put them in prison." "I still don't understand why they thought it was you in the first place." "No." "I mean, you didn't have any dealings with them, did you?" "Absolutely none whatsoever." "I swear." "He's lying." "All right, you'll find out eventually." "I might as well tell you the truth." "Tyler, go to your room and play some music." "But you just said..." "Do as Mummy says or Mummy is liable to lose it." "This is unreal." "So weird." "All right, I'm listening." "Well, you'll laugh." "See, the Driscolls had a contact in Albania who had a European car franchise, and because of the difference between the exchange rate in the British pound and the Albanian zog, or whatever it's called, the cars were selling at 300/o of their normal price." "So they asked me if I would be interested in a few of these cars." "And I bet you were, weren't you?" "Well, for God's sake, Marlene." "I was a car dealer." "Of course I was interested." "Well." "So we formed a little partnership." "The Driscolls imported them and I sold them." "Well, the next thing was they started arriving from Albania, but not on car-transporters, as I'd imagined." "No." "Each one was being driven individually." "Oh, and let me guess." "The drivers never went home." "No." "Nor did any of their passengers." "Passengers?" "How many passengers?" "God knows." "They were packed to the rafters with them." "I mean, each car looked like the Brady Bunch on a fly-drive holiday." "And they all brought luggage." "Well, of course they did." "They had a long..." "Oh, no." "What was in their luggage?" "I don't know, but one day I got too close to a duffle bag and went into a trance." "I dreamt there were all these strange people and animals running about." "And when I woke up, there was." "They were immigration officers and the drug squad sniffer dogs." "They accused me of being Mr Big." "They should have come and had a word with me." "Anyway, they said if I didn't tell them the truth, they'd arrest me." "Well, I hadn't done anything illegal, and I wasn't about to go to prison for 1 0 years for somebody else's crime." "So I told them the truth." "It was the only thing I could do." "Yeah, of course it was." "So, you don't think the Driscolls can trace us?" "Well, how?" "We're in the wilds of Shropshire." "The only time the Driscolls have been outside London is in the back of a prison van." "No, they'll never find us here." "We're in the safest place on earth." "There's a man!" "Where?" "No, that's not a man." "It's just that yokel." "What's his name, Egon?" "Oh, yes, your farm manager." "You never told me we had a farm manager." "That's because I didn't know we had a farm manager." "I've just been looking through this sales contract." "There's an employee's clause in it." "My lawyer didn't spot that." "I mean, what makes him think I want to be a farmer?" "Well, maybe because you bought a farm." "We've got to do something." "You said we've got to join in, otherwise the locals might get suspicious." "Yes, I meant join in with their customs, support the community, show we are sympathetic to their problems." "And hopefully, they'll accept us as one of their own and maybe even like us." "Yeah, that'd be nice." "But first things first." "I'm gonna sack him." "Grand morning." "Beautiful day now, sir, eh?" "Yes, lovely." "Sleep well, sir?" "Now..." "What?" "Oh, yes, thank you." "Now, it's Egon, isn't it?" "Elgin, sir." "Oh, yes, Elgin." "Elgin Sparrowhawk, sir." "Yes." "Now, you see, Elgin..." "I'm the farm manger, sir." "Yes, yes, I know." "When we met the other night," "I was rather tired from my long journey and I hadn't quite taken everything in." "For instance, when I bought Winterdown Farm," "I wasn't aware that it came complete with a farm manager." "Oh, yes, sir, that's me, Elgin Sparrowhawk." "Yes, we've done that." "But now things have changed." "I am the owner, and I don't know the first thing about farming." "That's where I come in, sir." "I'm the farm manager." "Will you stop that?" "I takes care of everything." "Well, me and him." "This is Bryan." "Morning, sir." "I'm Bryan." "Bryan's your stockman." "I'm your stockman, sir." "Yeah." "Bryan's been here for years." "Been here for years." "Oh, I see, so Bryan works for me as well, does he?" "I don't believe this is happening." "Look, I'm sorry to disappoint you both, but I don't think that I am cut out for farming." "No, sir." "But the way I sees it, sir, is that you're not just any old sort of farmer." "No, I'm a second-hand car dealer sort of farmer." "With respect, sir, I see you as a gentleman farmer." "That's right." "A gentleman farmer." "That's what he is." "Yeah, that's what they're saying in the village." ""He's a gentleman farmer, that's what he is."" "Really?" "Gentleman farmer, eh?" "What is a gentleman farmer?" "You've seen the pictures in Horse and Hound and the Country Life." "I mean, it's all hunt balls and the county set." "You and your good lady." "Oh, she's a wonderful woman." "Very impressive, ain't she just?" "Yeah." "You'll be mixing with nobility, royalty even." "You're made-to-measure for the county set, Mr Boyce." "Or, should I say Farmer Boyce." "Farmer Boyce, eh?" "Well, let me have a little think about this." "Right, 2:00 this afternoon, I want you to gather in the main house." "2:00 it is, sir." "Do you want us both to gather?" "Yes." "It is a staff meeting." "Right you are, sir." "You'd better tell the others." "Others?" "Bloody kid." "I get the impression he thinks we're a bit stupid." "I know." "Keep it up." "Who is this Bryan bloke, then?" "He's my stockman." "What's that mean?" "A stockman looks after cattle, sheep, that sort of thing." "But I thought you didn't want to be a farmer." "What gave you that idea?" "Little things." "Like this morning when you said, "I don't want to be a farmer."" "Oh, yeah, well, that was this morning." "I've been reading up about it since then." "There could be money in this business." "I've been doing a lot of thinking." "Are you all right, darling?" "It's what Dad was saying earlier about poor people." "I started thinking about all those programmes you see on the telly about the Third World and I started to feel guilty." "I mean, I'm lucky." "Got all the essentials a person needs in life." "Food and water, warmth, a skateboard." "Those people got none of that." "So I thought, when I get to my new school, I'll start up a charity project." "Oh, darling, that's lovely." "Yeah, I'm gonna call it Skateboards For Africa." "Oh, I wonder what Bob Geldof would say." "Yeah, that's just what I was thinking." "Oh, yes, I am rocking." "He is mine, isn't he?" "Of course he's yours." "Can't you tell?" "Hello, sir?" "It's me, Elgin Sparrowhawk, farm manager!" "Yeah, don't worry about him." "He's as daft as a brush." "He don't seem very friendly." "I was talking to the dog." "It's the, uh, the staff meeting, sir." "Bryan and I are gathered." "Oh, yes, yes, I'll be right with you." "Wait in the kitchen, would you?" "Oh, ma'am, this is Bryan, here." "Afternoon, ma'am." "Afternoon." "Ooh, see what you mean." "Yes." "Ain't it just, eh?" "Yeah." "Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is supposed to be a farm." "Yes." "Is there a problem, my little boll weevil?" "Well, when we were driving round your land this morning, did you notice the animals?" "No, not really." "A couple of hairy things run past." "Exactly, two or three rabbits." "But we didn't see any cows or sheep or horses or pigs, did we?" "No." "And other than grass, did you spot anything growing in your fields?" "Like wheat or corn?" "No." "So it looks like you're going to be a farmer with 800 acres of nothing but grass." "Right." "Let's see what Ant and Dec have to say about this." "So, you got any hills round here?" "Well, there's a fish market in Ludlow." "No, hills." "You know, high things." "Oh, hills!" "Oh, we got lots of them." "There's Malpin Hill just over the field there." "Does it go down?" "Well, that depends which direction you approach it from, you know." "You get your bearings right, it goes down." "Almost to the bottom, doesn't it?" "Oh, nearly." "Right." "Thanks." "Oh, Elgin, Bryan," "I'm so glad you could make it." "There are one or two points I wish you to clarify." "Do take a seat." "Now..." "Afternoon, sir." "Afternoon, madam." "This is jed." "Yeah, I'm jed, sir." "jed's your ploughman, sir." "I'm your..." "I'm your ploughman." "I've been here for..." "ALL:" "Years." "Oh, I see." "So, I've got a ploughman as well." "Good, 'cause there are a few questions" "I would like to ask, so do sit down." "Ain't it just?" "Now, how can I put this?" "When I bought this farm, I thought it had cows." "Well, that's right, sir." "Lots of cows, sir." "So, where are they?" "There." "Yeah, but I can't see them now." "Oh, that was then, sir." "When?" "When that picture was taken." "Yes, but where are they now?" "I mean, are they out there hiding behind that tree?" "Behind the tree." "Course not, sir." "You'd see them." "Cows are no good at hiding, sir." "I tried it." "Yeah." "So, where are they?" "They're gone." "I can see that." "God." "But where have they gone?" "Sold." "Yeah." "You see, the old squire, he got rid of everything." "He knew it was all coming to an end." "Ah, the drugs weren't working." "So I've got no cows?" "Nope." "No sheep?" "No." "No pigs?" "Ah!" "He never sold any pigs." "So I've got pigs?" "No, he never had any pigs, sir." "And have we got any of those things that grow in the fields?" "What do you call it?" "What, you mean crops, ma'am?" "Yes." "No." "Gone." "All gone." "It seems I am a farmer who has no horses, no cows, no sheep and no pigs." "That about sums it up, sir, yeah." "So, you are a stockman who looks after flocks and herds that don't exist." "That's about it, ma'am." "Yeah." "And you are a ploughman who tends mile upon mile of fields where nothing grows." "You could put it like that, ma'am." "And what is it you do?" "I'm the manager." "This is like getting an e-mail from the Tweenies." "Then how in God's name am I supposed to be a farmer, when all I've got is a million square acres of bloody grass?" "That's the beauty of it, sir." "You see, what you have here is what's known in bohemian circles as a blank canvas." "It's there to be started again but to your own design." "You're like God looking down on his domain." "And Farmer Boyce said, "Let there be barley."" "And lo, there was barley." "I see." "And how much is that going to cost?" "Well, that depends how grand your vision is." "But don't forget, you get what we calls European Grants." "They're grants, sir." "From Europe." "Afternoon all." "Afternoon, Mrs Cakeworthy." "She was at it again last night." "No." "I said to her, if you don't pats them cors in dratz and lippit in them there stumpz," "it'll be yer own fault." "Ah." "I'll just hang me coat up." "That's Mrs Cakeworthy." "She's the housekeeper." "Oh, I see." "We've got a housekeeper as well, Marlene." "What joy." "And I suppose she's been here for years as well?" "Ah, years." "Now, what you got here is your west field, perfect for corn." "Rich soil." "Very fertile, ma'am." "Right." "Let's get started." "Tomorrow I want you to go to a garden centre and buy some packets of seeds." "Wheat, corn, and barley." "Yeah, no, sir, no, no." "That is not the way to do it, sir." "Livestock, sir." "Always starts with your livestock." "See, we have a saying round these parts." ""Flock before crop."" "And you know why, Farmer Boyce?" "Farmer Boyce." "No." "Go on." "Well, you got hundreds of acres of grass out there doing nothing except growing." "Yeah, that's all it does, innit?" "just grows." "Ain't got no social life or nothing, has it?" "Don't even taste nice." "So, you brings in your livestock, your bull, your horses, your cows and your sheep." "And your livestock chews the cud." "That's farming talk for eats the grass." "Then they recycles the grass into manure with which we fertilise the field, ready for the planting of the crop." "Then you get a good bull." "He breeds with the cows and makes calves." "Your herd increases, your natural fertiliser increases and your crop production..." "Increases." "A gift from Mother Nature, sir." "God's goody-bag." "Right." "Tomorrow we'll go out and buy some cows." "Yeah, no." "No." "No, no, not the cows, sir." "Why not?" "You see, sir, you put a herd of cows in a field, and then after a while they gets used to their new home." "You know, they starts looking round and saying, "Well, this is nice." "Ain't it, girls?"" "Nice grass, nice surroundings." "They gets confident." "Bit cocky!" "Starts having a laugh." "ELGIN:" "I've seen it happen, sir." "See, then you bring the poor bull in." "Well, he's new to the area, ain't he?" "He's johnny-come-lately." "He sees all these women already there, and he starts feeling a bit sheepish and embarrassed." "He don't know where to look." "And then the cows start laughing at him in a cow sort of way, like they're in a discotheque on a hen night!" "You're confusing me, Bryan." "You've got a bull feeling sheepish and cows on a hen night." "That's a country thing, ma'am." "And then the cows start looking round and they're saying, "Oh, look at his stupid trousers and that shirt!" ""Bet he's got a loyalty card from Oxfam." Things like that." "But if you gets the bull in first, well, that becomes his territory, doesn't it?" "That's his nightclub, and if he wants to dance the lambada or the twist" "or the salsa, then he can!" "Bryan." "Then when the cows arrive, they're the newcomers, not him." "So it don't matter if they say to him, "Ooh, you remind me of the star of that film." ""Oh, what was it called?" "Shrek. " Or, "Oh, give me a call when it grows"!" "He don't care, does he?" "'Cause he knows they're nothing but a load of old slappers anyway!" "All right, all right, Bryan." "That's how it is!" "You got to get things in the right order!" "Take it easy, Bryan." "Take it easy." "All right, Bryan." "We'll get a bull." "Leave it to me, sir." "Right." "Come on, you two." "We can't stand around here all day talking to Farmer Boyce." "He's a busy man." "Lovely to see you again, ma'am." "Yes, indeed." "Oh, ain't it just?" "Come on, you two, out with you." "I feel like I'm living in that Tarzan film Lord of the Jungle." "With them three, it's more like Lord of the Rings." "They're weird people round here." "No, we've just got to get used to them, Marlene." "We're city people and they're country folk." "We just have different ways, that's all." "I think in time you'll come to realise that there's nothing strange about them at all." "Kettle's boiled." "The tars and the fars and bo's putz a pitz asunder with a five amp fuse." "just been up to Honeymeade Farm, sir." "Bryan's given him the once-over and he's a beauty." "His name's Rocky, and he lives up to his name." "He's a big beast." "He's a county champion, got cups and rosettes from everywhere." "Won Bull of the Year 2003." "BOYCIE:" "So, how much is this gonna cost?" "ELGIN:" "Well, if you're lucky, you might get him for £1 5,000." "I'll put my seat belt on, sir." "£1 5,000?" "I hope we're talking roubles." "He's won a lot of medals." "Yeah, so has my mate's Uncle Albert, but I wouldn't give 1 5 grand for him, either." "1 5,000 is very cheap for a prize bull, sir." "People pay up to 1 00,000 for a real good one." "You see, the value's in the stud." "Huh." "All right." "Well, we'll play it by ear." "So, who owns this bull?" "A chap called Bill Garner, sir." "Owned a farm round here for years." "All his children have emigrated." "He can't run the farm on his own, so he's selling up." "I told him we'd meet him down the local pub." "His old eyes lit up." "Likes a tipple or two, does old Bill." "Does he, now?" "Do you want me to do the negotiating for you, sir?" "Because I'm local and I knows how it works." "And I am a car trader from South London and I have my own tactics." "I will weaken his resistance with my hospitality." "In other words, I will not make my final offer until he's well and truly legless." "Dear old Bill Garner." "He won't know what's hit him." "Well, we certainly did the business today, Egon, my friend." "Elgin, sir." "What?" "Elgin, sir, Elgin Sparrowhawk, farm manager." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "So, what did I finally buy that bull for, eh?" "£1 8,000, sir." "Yes!" "Is that good?" "Oh, yes, sir." "If you're Bill Garner it is, yeah." "Yeah." "Oh, he was putty in my hands, wasn't he?" "Yes, sir." "Well, good night, Egon." "Goodnight, sir." "# Here we go rocking all over the world #" "Egon!" "Marlene!" "Marlene, my darling." "It's me, Boycie." "What do you want?" "Hi, honey." "I'm home." "I'm somewhat locked out." "And you can bloody well stay locked out." "You are not coming in this house in that state!" "I have been stuck in this place for the past eight hours all on my own with Tyler and Earl." "You only went out to buy a bull." "How long does that take?" "Well, they were very long and demanding negotiations, during which I became unexpectedly rat-arsed." "But I'm very tired now, my little meerkat." "Well, you can sleep in your car!" "Uh..." "Thank you, my love!" "Thank you for that advice." "Marlene?" "What?" "I haven't heard the last of this, have I?" "No." "Sodding skateboards." "Don't he pong?" "I hate bulls." "What do you think of him, ma'am?" "I'm worried he's going to stink this farm out." "No, the cows love that smell." "Bovine Old Spice, that is." "Farmer Boyce'll be pleased to see him." "Yeah." "Well, I'd better go wake Farmer Boyce up." "ELGIN:" "Problem, ma'am?" "I can't find my husband." "I thought he slept in the car last night." "Oh, no, no, I locked the car, took the keys with me." "Didn't want him driving in his condition." "That means he's been out in the wild all night." "Something might have eaten him." "I hate the country." "# I'm getting tired of the city All the noise and the mess" "# Why don't we run away To somewhere where the birds still sing?" "# I want the green green grass And a country house" "# In a place where my face ain't known" "#And in the green green grass It'll come to pass" "# We'll have somewhere to call our own" "# We'll have somewhere to call our home #"