"RICH:" "What are you looking at?" "MATT:" "How much do you weigh?" "Two pounds." "What does that have to do with anything?" "Nothing." "Been to the gym recently?" "I have a squirrel named Jim." "Does that count?" "Hey, why are you in such a rush?" "You're up to something, man." "I don't like it." "Okay, Rich, I don't normally say this kind of thing but I've always enjoyed your company." "Enjoyed?" "Why are you using past tense?" "You're scaring me, man." "I want you to have this." "You've always admired it and I don't think I'll be needing it any more." "Wow, I love this." "Hey, I'm a bandito." "Okay, eyes front, don't look behind you, all the best." "Holy shit nut!" "(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING)" "(YELLING)" "I'd run if I were you, Rich." "That bull looks horny." "(BULL ROARING)" "(RICH WHIMPERING)" "# Its not long now till its over" "# Nothing much changed, we're just older" "# But if I see you again back in detox" "# Put my remains in my snuff box" "# So, get here in time when our day comes" "# You thought it was gold but it was bronze" "# Get here in time when our day comes" "# You thought it was gold but it was bronze #" " Can you speak French?" " Absolutely not." "Keep 'em guessing." "That's what I always say." "(APPLAUSE)" "REFEREE:" "Two hundred and twenty-four." "You're missing out." "It's a language of love." "If I spoke French, women would find me hugely attractive." " You think so, do you?" " Mmm." "Yeah." "RICH:" "I do." "I goddamn do." "Look at Bryan Adams." "Foul." "What the hell is going on with your eye?" "Last night, I was making some beer from one of those homemade brewing kits you gave me for Christmas..." "And I guess I drank half a pint that was still fermenting." "(YELLING)" "Next thing I know, I'm seeing bright lights and it's stinging like shit." "And now I can't see out of this eye." "I'm half blind." "Congratulations." "Tell me, how does it feel to be the biggest prick in London?" "That hurts, man." "That really hurts." "Where's your humanity?" "On a thousand mattresses from here to Greenland." "(CHEERING)" "Yes!" " Well done, man." " Give me that." "Mmm." "Thanks very much, Ken." "Thank you." "(MATT CHUCKLING)" "Matt, could you show me out of here?" "It's Ken, actually." "But it'd be my pleasure." "(MATT WHIMPERING)" "Hey, check her out." " Not bad." " She looks French." "I think I'll try out my love language." "Well... (SPEAKING IN FRENCH)" "Yeah, whatever that means." "RICH:" "Mmm." "Bonjour, je m'appelle Richard." "Hi, je m'appelle Desi." "Ah, c'est très bien, Desi." "Mmm." "Qu'est-ce que c'est que ça que c'est?" "Que ça que c'est que ça?" "Que c'est que ça que c'est que ça que c'est que ça." "Que c'est que ça que c'est que ça." "Que c'est que ça." "Que c'est que ça." "Que c'est que ça!" "Que c'est que ça que..." " Que c'est." " Nice work." "Hey." "I just ran out of words." "Look, this thing takes a little practice, that's all." "Watch and observe." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Private room." "Ten minutes." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "(SPEAKING ITALIAN)" "(WOMAN SNORING)" "(SPEAKING PASTICHED SWEDISH)" "(SPEAKING PASTICHED RUSSIAN)" "(CHUCKLING)" "(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) Napkin!" "(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)" "(STACCATO SHOUTING)" "(SLURPING)" "(GRUNTING LIKE A MONKEY)" "(SQUEAKING LIKE A MONKEY)" "(SCREECHING LIKE AN EXCITED MONKEY)" "(EXCITEDLY GRUNTING LIKE A MONKEY)" "What's up with you?" "You look like a dog with two dicks." " Is that good?" " Very good." "Well, I think I did it." "I met the love of my life." "I'd like you to meet her." "Grendel?" "Grendel, I recognise..." "Grendel, I'd like you to meet my best friend Matt." "Oh, yes." "(GRENDEL CHITTERING)" "Do you two know each other?" "(GRENDEL SCREECHING LIKE A MONKEY)" "No, no." "No, no." "No." "No, no, no." "(GRENDEL CHITTERING)" "Shut up!" "You're putting me off." "No, no." "Not me." "No, no." "(GRENDEL SQUEAKING)" "No, not my type." "Very nice though, yeah." "Mmm, yeah." "Whisky!" "(CHITTERING ON SCREEN)" "Huh." "Well..." "I wouldn't mind getting my hands on a blonde like that." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "(GRUNTING LIKE A MONKEY)" "Very good." "Very good." "Good morning, gentlemen." "ALL: (MURMURING) Good morning." "Apologies for being late." "I had a meeting with our local vicar..." " Oh." "...and he's asked me to perform a guest sermon next Sunday." " Well done." " Isn't that an honour?" "Play the first clip, please, Felix." "Hello, Mrs Granger, it's Malcolm again from Meals on Wheels." "ELDERLY WOMAN:" "Oh, I was hoping it would be you, Malcolm." "What have you got?" "MALCOLM:" "Well, I've got hotpot and jam roll." "Whatever are you doing, Mrs Granger?" "MRS GRANGER:" "How do you fancy putting your jam roll in my hotpot, Malcolm?" "MALCOLM:" "Mrs Granger!" "MRS GRANGER:" "There's 10 grand in that biscuit tin, Malcolm." "Think of all the scratch cards you could buy with that." "MALCOLM:" "Well," "Let's fuckin' hope age does come before beauty." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "(MALCOLM AND MRS GRANGER MOANING)" "MALCOLM:" "Are you gonna keep your scarf on, Mrs Granger?" "MRS GRANGER:" "Of course, I am." "It's real mink." "(MEN GROANING)" "MAN:" "Oh, heavens." "Oh, no." "Oh, heaven." "All right, Felix." "Truly tragic." "You know, I saw a magpie yesterday." "And I understand they're also being wiped out." "Really?" "Crying shame." " Isn't it just?" " What can you do?" "What can one do?" "MEN: (MURMURING) What can one do?" "So, I don't know if I'm diving headfirst into this relationship with Grendel or what, but it looks like this one could be the one." "But I don't want to rush into it." "I mean, she's so beautiful." "But she seems to be the only woman not disgusted by my eye." "I mean, I need somebody that's not gonna puke every time she sees me." "So I should marry her, right?" "Do you want to order food?" "Yeah, I guess I'll have the rabbit omelette." "(RICH FARTING)" "Oh, I just farted." "(CLEARING HIS THROAT)" "(SIGHING)" "Sorry." "(BABY CRYING)" "What's this?" "Got anything else?" "(HEART MONITOR BEEPING)" "(MOANING LOUDLY)" "All right, then?" "(SIGHING)" "You'll need a mop." "Hi, I want you to feel comfortable, so please feel free to sit" " anywhere you'd like." " I'll sit here." "I need to talk to you." "Well, I need to talk to you." "Okay." "I need to get something off my chest." "(INTENSELY) Well, jump right in!" "(CALMLY) But you don't have to talk if you don't want to." "Well, it's my friend Rich." "He's about to marry this girl called Grendel." "And I just know she's not right for him." "Please continue." "I'm intrigued!" "Okay, I'll get down to brass tacks." "If he marries her, she gets her hands on his royalty cheques." "And I just can't let that happen." "(CALMLY) You do realise... (INTENSELY) You're going to have to talk to your friend!" "(CALMLY) Which is a terrible idea." "Yeah, but I don't know what else to do." "He won't stop talking about her." "I just know this will end terribly." "(INTENSELY) You have to tackle this problem head-on!" "(CALMLY) Leave the country." " What?" " Go to a cave for several years." "Join a monastery." "This is ridiculous." "You're an idiot." "I know exactly what to do." "(CALMLY) Well, I know exactly what to... (INTENSELY)... do!" "(CALMLY) Brad, cancel all my appointments for today and, uh... (INTENSELY)... send in the next client!" "Oh, and Brad, if you're getting lunch, I'll have a strawberry milkshake." "(INTENSELY) Uh, make that rabbit!" "You're quite an enigma, sir." " Really?" " We have walked almost two miles and yet you have spoken but three words." "Hmm." "If I were bolder, I'd say you were in love, sir." "Ah, a swing!" "How charming." "You made this, didn't you, Master Berry?" "I would be honoured if my lady were to christen the rope fully I have erected." "Oh, yes." "(GIGGLING)" "(HORSE HOOVES CLATTERING)" "MAN:" "I say, over here!" "Sir, it's Rupert!" "Look, on the horse." "Yoo-hoo!" "RUPERT:" "Hello!" "A friend of yours, I presume?" "My fiancé." "Fuck you!" "(SCREAMING)" "(SPLASHING)" "Yahoo!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "I'll bet you rustlers are hungry, aren't you?" "ALL:" "Yeah!" "Are you ready to partake in the best all-you-can-eat western super-jumbo all-you-can-eat buffet and fixins bar?" "ALL:" "Yeah!" "Hold on there." "Before we go in and fill our gizzards up, there are a few simple instructions we're gonna have to follow." "First, we can't all go stampedin' to the buffet bar willy-nilly." "That'd be against state and federal regulations." "Now, each of you has been given a pre-designated number you will find underneath your seats." "Now, each number has a letter by it." "All those with an A on their card will proceed to the mashed potater line right next to the Calamity Jane statue." "All B's will go to the salad bar that's southwest of the covered-wagon sausage pit." "Now, if you have a C, you are a lucky cowpoke because you're going to the Smoothie General Store next to the Briar Rabbit." "MAN:" "Did he say rabbit?" "WILLIE:" "All right, everybody?" "(EVERYONE CHEERS)" "Texas Willie ain't done yet." "(GROANING)" "Each letter, once done with its predesignated area shall then proceed to the area two letters above." "Therefore, mashed potater people will go to the Smoothie General Store." "Now, is everybody ready to eat some of the best grub this side of Pecos County?" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Hold on!" "Just three more rules!" "MAN:" "Dipshit!" "MAN:" "I'm gonna grab me a rabbit." "I might go to the cinema this evening." "You know those two air hostesses?" "They asked me if we fancied a game of mixed doubles tomorrow." "Have you seen my reading glasses?" "Shut the fuck up!" "You can see I'm blind, you bastard!" "You do it on fuckin' purpose!" "I thought you were a friend." " Where are you going?" " I gotta piss." "Don't wake Quickfinch!" "(FARTING)" "Shh." "To blow that trumpet would be the last foolish thing you would ever achieve, Wormwood." "Ah, Mr Rich." "What the hell happened to you?" " Well, I started..." " Don't tell me." "You visited the Blue Leopard during happy hour." "(BOTH SNICKERING)" "Ha." "Funny as my crotch." "Actually, you wouldn't just nip off for some... (GROANING)" "Oh, yes, sir." " As you were, sir." " Well, last night I was making beer from one of those homemade brew kits that Matt gave me for Christmas." "And I guess I drank a half pint that was still fermenting." "(YELLING)" "'Cause next thing you know, I saw all these bright lights and my eye was stinging like shit!" "And now I can't see out of this eye." "I'm half blind." "Sir Charles." "Sir Charles!" "Sir fucking Charles!" "I'm half blind!" "Indeed." "(ECHOING) Tell me, Mr Rich, how long does it take the Earth to rotate around the sun?" "A year?" "Excellent." "Fuck nuts!" "How the hell did you do that?" "You're like some magic wizard magician guy." "Sir Charles, how do I ever repay you?" "The pleasure's all mine, sir." "Talking of pleasure, two twins and a snake?" "Any preferences?" "Wow." "I'll take the snake!" "I'm a great kisser." "(GIRLS GIGGLING)" "I say, I have a snake that would put that to shame." "You want to see it?" "Mmm, yes you do." "Could you imagine if Neil Kinnock was in a film with Al Pacino?" "It would suck!" "Like you, man!" "You suck!" "You suck!" "Really?" "Okay, forget that." "What bugs me, what really, really bugs me..." "Is that I'm a retard!" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "I'm a retard who sucks!" "You suck, man!" "I'm a retard." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "You suck!" "Guess what?" "You suck!" "Hey, where'd you get those wheels?" "Daytona?" "(IMITATING A REVVING ENGINE)" "Five cars riding' round a track!" "Go, go, go!" "(SNORING)" "You call that playing football, man?" "You suck!" "Shut up!" "No, you shut up." "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)" "Hey, nice gay music!" "Which one of you's king of the gaylords?" "MAN:" "Do you want a smack in the mouth, pal?" "No, but maybe you could play for me some Judy Garland." "See you later, gays." "Maybe at the Gay Pride..." "Oh, I suck." "# Never to late to pretend, my love" "# Never too late to say I'm sorry" "# Everything goes dark #" "I mean, the song's fine." "It would take care of itself, but what are we gonna wear on Top of the Pops?" "What?" "Our clothes?" " Who gives a shit?" " I do." "We're not getting any younger." "I mean, you're not, and that's for sure." "I got a couple years' grace at a push, but you're almost fucked, wouldn't you say?" "Well, I'm no Phil Collins, but I do my best." "Yeah?" "Well, your best may not cut the mustard, mon ami." "I don't need this shit." "Neither do I. I gotta piss." "Never too... too late." "Too late." "(BANGING)" "That was quick." "Word of advice." "It's the one without the shoes on the end." "You haven't changed." "Holy fuck!" "Adam Ant." "Jesus, how long has it been?" "Two years?" "Thirty-five." "You been back to Dartmoor?" "No, no, not voluntarily." "You?" "No!" "Hey, that Prince Charming number is great." "And the kids love the pirate shit." "Tell me about it." "Hey, listen, uh, I'm worried about my friend Matt." "You know, we're on Top of the Pops tomorrow." "Anyhoo, he dresses like shit." "Could you have a word with him?" "Yeah, of course." "Thing is, he's as touchy as an actress so try and be constructive, okay?" "Right." "Let's get back to work." "Who's the pirate?" "Don't call him a pirate." "He's a pop star." " Mmm." " 'Ello, shipmate." "Your friend tells me you're on Top of the Pops tomorrow." " Congratulations." " Thanks." "Word of advice." "Do you own any other suits?" "No one does that Perry Como look any more." "Perry Como!" "Okay, so I'm taking fashion advice from Long John Silver." "Okay, now, my dickheaded friend may think you're cool with your fancy dress." "I think you look like Captain Birdseye." "And if you wanna grab hold of my cat-o'-nine-tails" "I suggest you walk the fucking plank, n'est-ce pas?" "(GRUNTING)" "Don't go!" "Prince Charming!" "Do you realise what you just did?" "That was Adam Ant!" "You asked Adam Ant to walk the plank!" "He's a pirate!" "You don't ask a pirate to walk the plank!" "Well, what do you ask a pirate?" ""Arr, can I have a biscuit?"" " What a dickhead!" " I thought he was your pal." "Oh, we just shared a cell." "(PLAYING PIANO)" "# Never too late to say I'm sorry" "# Never to late to pretend, my love" "# Everything goes dark!" "#" "Arr." " Matt." " What?" "I'm gonna do it." "What, go for a piss?" "Well, you know where it is." "No, I'm gonna take the plunge." "I'm gonna marry Grendel tomorrow." "Good God, man, you've just met the woman." "I know, but when it's right, it's right." "And I want you to invite everyone I know to the wedding." " Just me, then?" " No." "I also invited your dad." "It's a shame you two don't..." "Now, why would you do a stupid thing like that?" "Hey, go easy, Rambo." "What's the big deal, anyway?" "Really, Berry, you know the rules." "(GROANING)" "Whisky!" "Uh, maybe we should talk about the hors d'oeuvres." "Does pheasant go with rabbit?" "RICH:" "Let's discuss." "Or maybe deer goes better with rabbit." "I don't know." "Anyhoo, thanks for this great stag night, Matt." "You're really making my marriage something special." "Just about there." "You're the best friend I've ever had." "When I came to London, I was real lonely." "I didn't know what I would have done if I hadn't have metted you." "What?" "Oh, nothing." "Good." "Hey, this is that song." "(APACHE BY THE SHADOWS PLAYING)" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, I'll admit, this is a classic riff." "Hey, check me out." "(MATT BELCHING)" "That's more of a bass, you idiot." "Who gives a shit?" "I'm jammin'." "No, look, see what I'm doing?" "I'm using the right chords." "C7 back to F." "No." "No, no, no, no." "There's no way a guitar that small could emit such a classic sound." "Now you're just being an arsehole." "And I quit the band." "Fine." "I'll go solo." "Hey, check this out." "(WOMEN GIGGLING)" "RICH:" "Yeah." "Jam it!" "Treat it like a Russian jumbo jet, huh?" "Whoo, take it to prison." "Huh?" "Read it like a book." "I'm on chapter 20." "Ooh, baby!" "Yeah!" "Matt, are you dead?" "(INAUDIBLE)" "To your good health, Mr Rich." "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Ken, I am starting to freak." "Where is Matt?" "And Grendel?" "And Matt's dad?" "What am I gonna do?" "I think you need a drink, Mr Rich." "Thanks, Ken." "You're the best." " Yeah!" " All right?" "Rich, may I introduce Matt's dad?" "John Halliday Berry." "Wait, you're Matt's dad?" "Made a dreadful mistake in Bangkok 30 years ago." " But Matt hates you." " And I hate him." "But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." "Whisky!" "Where is the little bastard anyway?" "I don't know, but he better get here soon." "He's got my fucking ring." "(MATT MOANING)" "(GRENDEL SCREECHING LIKE A MONKEY)" "MATT:" "Oh, yeah!" "That's the ticket." "Oh, yes." "Nearly at the station." "Oh, yes." "One stop." "Look out." "(CUTLERY DROPPING)" "MATT:" "Oh, shit." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "MAN:" "Just like Charles." "Just a bit of fun." "Yeah." "# I can't be in love if it's plastic" "# To live on my own just seems tragic" "# But we'll raise our swords high when our day comes" "# You thought it was gold but it was bronze" "# So, get here in time when our day comes" "# You thought it was gold but it was bronze" "# Get here in time when our day comes" "# You thought it was gold but it was bronze" "# Get here in time when our day comes" "# You thought it was gold but it was bronze" "# Get here in time when our day comes" "#You thought it was gold but it was bronze" "# Get here in time when our day comes" "# You thought it was gold but it was bronze" "# Get here in time when our day comes" "# You thought it was gold but it was bronze #" "(MATT SINGING THEME IN FRENCH)"