"Jackie, now how you gonna play me?" "You left me in charge here." " How come you can't trust me?" " Because I grew up with you." "Now, did you do everything on my list?" "Well, yeah, Miss Daisy." "I cleaned the windows." "I cleaned the floor." "I even cleaned the ceiling." "Hey, look, you are talking to one tired freshman here, Miss Boss Lady." "Well, I am impressed." "As well you should be." "Shame on you not trusting me." "Now, you kick butt in that game." " All right, bye." " Bye bye." "Hey." "Good job, Harold." "Hey, you know, Agnes." "I don't know why your daughter doesn't call you." "Hey." "Break time's over, Sol." "Look, sweetheart, you can't spend every moment with Nicky." "You have to get over this separation anxiety." "You went through it with Carlton." "Yes, and look at how well he turned out." "You must be very proud." "Vivian, sweetheart I love you and I miss you." "And that's why we're going to have lunch this afternoon at La Teau." "Oh, I'd love to, honey." "But I don't think Nicky is ready for restaurants yet." "I was talking about us, Vivian." "We're going to kiss." "We're going to have a romantic, baby-free good time." "Uncle Phil, I think you should be more concerned with a cholesterol-free good time." "And one of you will babysit." "Big poopy." " What did you say?" " Oh, I said:" ""Beg, puppy" to my pretend dog, Ernie." "Fetch, Ernie." "He's gone now." "Philip, honey, can I speak to you a minute, please?" "Is this a good idea, honey?" "Do you think we can rely on them to take care of the B-A-B-Y?" "Who's Bobby?" "The baby." "Mom, his name is Nicky." "I'm staying home." "Come on, Geoffrey will take care of the baby." "Come on, let's go." "You only have four and a half hours to say goodbye." "Not to worry, madam." "I'll care for the child as though he were my very own." "We'll draw straws for the little bugger." "Short one loses." "Oh, that would be you, Carlton." "Har-de-har-har, but I've got a class." "Well, wait a minute, I've got a job." "I've got a match." "I've got..." "A date with Mr. Stinky!" "Two cappuccinos, please." "Well, I'm hoping you like it dark, hot, sweet and with a spoon in it." "Could you hurry it up, please?" "I told that guy over there I'd buy him some coffee." "Poor Todd." "Trying to raise his baby all alone, hold down a job, go to school." "I think it's just adorable." "You do?" "I'm the same, baby." "I mean, I'm holding down a job and going to school." "About that baby part, if you ain't doing nothing later, I'm..." "Will, you've gotta help me." "I took Nicky shopping, but I can't try anything on." "I mean, he just lies there watching me get undressed and making these tiny little drool bubbles and..." "He reminds me of Trevor." " So you take him." " Wait, wai..." "Whoa, hold up, girl." "I'm working this place by myself." "Jackie's at an away game." "And I ain't got no time for no " give me my bottle and change my didy."" ""Wipe my booty."" "Oh, Will, your little boy is just adorable." "Well, like padre, like nino, you know what I'm saying?" "All right, break it up." "Move on." "Nothing to see here." "Show's over." "Beat it!" " Hi." " Hi, hey." "I'm Candace." "Could I get a picture of you and your son together?" "Oh, yeah, sure." "How do you manage being a single father?" "Doesn't it get lonely?" "Well..." "You know, the nights is kind of bad." "You know, because I have to be both Mommy and Daddy to little Willie Junior here since..." "Since Tirisha died." "That's it." "I'm not gonna stand another minute and listen..." " Hey!" "Isn't that who played Greg Brady?" "!" " Where?" "Hey, Greg, wait up!" "You are quite a guy, Will." "Just tell me everything about you." "You mean, you want to be our friend?" "Yeah." "Hey, little Willie, we made a new friend." "And she can sleep over any time she wants to." "Hi, honey, your dad and I just had the most romantic lunch." "Romantic?" "I don't mean to be critical, Vivian but you did mention the baby, what, three or four dozen times?" "It was so romantic when you asked that strolling violinist to play my favorite song." "Yes." "And what did you request?" ""The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round."" "Vivian." "We used to go to a restaurant and not even be able to make it to the table." "You remember the cloakroom at Mario's Peruvian?" "Excuse me, but when did I get old enough to hear this?" "Excuse me." "Geoffrey, where's the baby?" "The baby?" "The baby." "Actually, Miss Hilary insisted on taking him out for the afternoon." "And since the poor girl's still so depressed about Trevor I hadn't the heart to refuse." "Hi, everybody." "Geoffrey, could you give me a hand?" "I left the most important thing in the car." "Hilary." "You left the baby alone in the car?" "Mother, I would never do that." "How irresponsible do you think I am?" "Well, then where's the baby?" "I don't know." "Mom, you have to see these earrings I bought." " The little diamonds spell out..." " Hilary!" "How did you know?" " Hey, hey, hey." " My baby, come to Mommy." "Coming, Mommy." "Well, wait a minute, Will." "How did you get hold of the baby?" "Wasn't Hilary supposed to watch him?" " Hilary?" " What?" "Oh, God, it's not like I left him at Sizzler Dad." "Last time I do you people any favors." "Don't worry, Nicky, Mommy's got you now." "The only way I'm gonna get attention here is if I start wearing diapers." "No, Uncle Phil, you got at least five years before you need them." "Vivian." "After what you did, I don't even know how you could look me in the eye." "Easy, like this:" "Hey." "Look, I won't let you use Nicky for evil anymore." "Next time I'm going to the authorities." "Thanks for the warning, Captain Weenie." " Will Smith?" " Yeah." "Well, hello." "Buy you lunch today, Daddy?" "Yeah, sure." "Man, this is an embarrassment of riches." "But what about me?" "You just an embarrassment, man." "Hi, guys." "Jackie, what's up?" "Let me get that." "How was the game?" " We won." " Ta-da." "So, what's been going on here?" "Anything unusual?" "No, no, actually, it's been pretty quiet." "Good, cool." "So before I forget, would you sign the school paper for me?" "Right next to your picture." "Oh, yeah, sure, I don't see why n..." "No!" "Oh, boy, are you in trouble." "And I'd like to say, "Hey, I'm here for you" but, heck, I'd be lying." "Look, it's just this little blurb in some dumb school newspaper!" "Freeze." "Don't be coming over here with no attitude." "This ain't my fault." " Whose was it then?" " Well, yours." " What?" " You heard me." "I'm saying, you know I can't be trusted." "You wouldn't have left me here, none of this would ever happen." "That's it." "I didn't come all the way here from Philly to hear this." " I am tired!" "Get out of my face!" " Don't be up in my grill!" " You need to shut..." "I'm out of here!" " Excuse me, excuse me!" "You know what?" " You ain't never gonna change!" " Never gonna change!" " I'm getting the last word!" " I'm getting the last word!" " Oh, no, you're not!" "Oh, yes, I am!" " Oh, no, you're not!" "Oh, yes, I am!" " Damn!" " Damn!" " Will, hi." " What?" "!" "Hey, how are you doing?" "That's right." " A beautiful woman here to see me!" " I should've told you I'm on the paper." " Hope you're not mad." " Mad?" "No, I ain't mad." " Then why are you yelling?" " I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "I got..." "I got a slight hearing problem." "Deficiency, you know, from my night job at the target range." "Oh, you poor thing." "Listen, I got a class now." "Could you meet me here tomorrow morning, say, around 9:00?" " Yeah, sure." " Cool." "Because I'd love to see that baby again." "I think he has plans." "Oh, well, that's too bad because I was thinking maybe the three of us could do something really special together." "And then while he's taking his little nappy, who knows?" "Well, he just a baby." "How important could his plans be?" " You're so cute." " I know, I know, ain't I?" "Okay, so I'll meet you here at 9:00 and you won't be sorry." "Oh, I know I won't be sorry because I got me a woman!" "All I need is me a baby." " Hi, baby." " Hello, dear." "Are you talking to me?" "Of course I am." "I know I've been ignoring you lately." "So would you let me make it up to you?" "Maybe." "Oh, all right." "I've seen you both naked anyway." "Sweetheart, I have rented us a suite at the Bel-Air Hotel for tonight." "Now, Carlton is gonna take care of Nicky so I can take care of you." "All right, that's it." "That's it." "I'm tired of this." "Y'all two need some time alone, okay?" "You gonna leave Nicky here." "You gonna go get a fly hotel suite." "You gonna chill." "You ain't coming back here till tomorrow." "Come on, let's go pack." "Philip, this is so wonderful." "I have been working so hard, taking care of the baby night and day." "Yes, well, you just lay back and relax and let Daddy take care of you." "Dim the lights, Vivian." "Yes, baby." "You know, sweetheart." "For the longest time, I've had the feeling that the fire in our marriage had gone out." "But now I know that the flame still burns." "Can't get enough of your love, baby." "Vivian?" "Vivian." "Vivian." "Okay, look, Nicky, this is very important." "Come on, repeat after me:" ""Da Da"?" "Oh, man." "Oh, hey, sorry, my man, it's only 9:00." "Place doesn't open up till 10." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I kind of lost track of time since I pawned my watch." "No, I don't need to bother you with my problems." "No, hey, hold up, man, it's cool." "Here, have a seat right here." "There you go." "Got a little something for you on the house." " Thank you." " Hey, least I can do, man." "You're my inspiration." "Caught you." "Oh, no, it's Captain Weenie and his bag of tricks." "You're despicable." "I went to check up on my little brother this morning and what did I find?" "A zucchini." "A zucchini, Will." "Well, I've had enough of your twisted charade." "Hey, man, what are you doing?" "Taking you down, mister." "I'm calling Mom and Dad at the Bel-Air Hotel." "You got change for a dollar?" "Oh, no, see, you gotta buy something." "Okay, give me a pack of gum." "Sorry, we're closed." "Well, there's a world of change out there, mister and I'm going to find it." "Good morning, Will." "I'm so glad you could make it." "And little Willie too." "Yeah, we came here straight from church." "What's up with that special something'-somethin' you promised me?" " Okay, close your eyes." " Okay." "Now, I knew you wouldn't agree to this if I hadn't kept it a surprise." "A surprise?" "What you talking about?" " Surprise!" " Hey, man." "Will Smith, you are live here on the Hart File Show." "I'm your host, Jake Maxwell." "And this is ULA's Father Of The Year." "Guess you're pretty excited, huh, Will?" "Sorry, we're closed." "Be open at 10." "Yeah, you better wake up, Vivian." "Olive Oyl is looking awfully good right now." "Oh, sweetie, I am sorry I fell asleep last night." "But guess what." "I'm wide awake now." "Quit it, quit it." "I am not in the mood." "Just move." "You're blocking Bluto." "I'm gonna go freshen up." "Why don't you turn on some more of that music." "Oh, yeah, right." "Will Smith, what's it like being a single father here in L.A.?" "You know, I'm saying, you know, it ain 't easy." "You know, being a single father like me." "But little Willie..." "Will..." "Willie Junior here makes everything worthwhile." " Did you see my...?" " Let's dance, Vivian, huh?" " Oh, Philip, what in the world...?" " Nothing." "Nothing." "That's my baby." "That's my zucchini." "Daddy Will, the Hart File wants to make your life a little easier." "So here's a year's supply of baby products for your son." "Oh, this is ridiculous." "What does he know about babies?" "This is his idea of a baby." "Get that fruitcake out of here." "Hey!" "Listen, I don't deserve all this stuff." "That's right, young fella, you deserve a whole lot more." "So how's about a holiday in Hawaii?" "Oh, look, I can't..." "I'm sorry, did you say Hawaii?" "Will, if it's not too painful, could you tell the folks at home a little bit about Tirisha?" "Who?" "Tirisha, your son's mother." "That Tirisha." "Yes, she's dead now." "I met her after I got back from fighting them oil fires, in Kuwait." "You know, and my hair, my eyebrows and everything had just started growing back." "General Powell said to me:" ""Yo, homey, you need to get down with a little R and R because you're looking a little singed."" "So in China..." "He sent me to China." "And then that's where we met." "It was in a little-known province called Rae Dawn Chong." "And..." "Well, sayonara." "Come on, Will, could you tell us more of your touching story?" "I'll just take him out." "But, no, no." "Hold..." "Hold up a second, man." "Look, by a show of hands here how many of y'all got a sense of humor, huh?" "All right, look, I ain't no father of the year." "I'm not even a father." "I made all of this stuff up." "And I'm kind of good at that." "This is my cousin Nicky." "And I don't deserve all these gifts." "But this dude here, this guy here, I mean..." "He's the real single father with the real problems." "Give him all the stuff." "Hawaii too?" "No, homey, I thought I'd hang on to Hawaii, you know..." "Hawaii too." "And that's another heartwarming moment from the Hart File." "Are we off?" "Somebody get me a drink." "You creep." "Just wait till you see what I write about you in tomorrow's paper." "But, baby, I..." "See?" "I can tell the truth." "I'm saying, you know, maybe there's a little hope for me yet?" "Very little." "Will, I'm out of here." "I just want to say thank you one more time." "Hey, no problem, man." "It actually makes me feel good to do something for somebody who needed it." "I was starting to feel stank claiming that as my baby and everything." "Yeah, I know what you mean." "See this ain't my kid either." "Aloha." "Oh, see, that's so wrong." "You know, Will, if you had pulled a stunt like this when you were in high school God knows what I would've done." "Why, I might've done something like this:" "I went to check on my little brother and you know what I found?" "A zucchi..." "A zucchini." "What?" "I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you found." "A zucchini, Will." "Good luck, Captain Weenie."