"(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "(theme song ending)" "(sighs)" "Honey, I think that tomorrow... (whispering):" "Please!" "(baby cries briefly)" "(gurgling)" "(both sighing)" "(whispering):" "I'm sorry, honey, I didn't mean..." "What's the matter with you?" "Are you crazy or something?" "You want the baby to keep us awake again tonight?" "I'm sorry, dear, I guess I wasn't thinking." "If I don't get some sleep soon," "I don't know what I'm going to do." "Well, honey, we'll keep our fingers crossed." "Maybe we won't hear a peep out of him tonight." "Well, I hope not." "And, honey, listen, if he does wake up," "I'd certainly appreciate it if you'd get up and take care of him." " Sure, honey, I will." " Okay." "Come on, let's go to bed." "What?" "!" "Oh, Ricky," "I'm simply asking if the baby wake up that you get up and take care of him." "Well, honey, I know it's a lot of hard work taking care of the baby, but that's what mothers are for." "Oh, and what are fathers for?" "Well, the father is the breadwinner." "See, the father is supposed to get his rest at night so he can get up fresh in the morning, go out into the world and make money for his family." "You wouldn't tell me the rules before the game started." "The next time we have a baby, I get to be the father." "Now, don't try to be funny." "(tearfully):" "I'm not trying to be funny." "You just don't know how tired I am." "You don't care anything about me." "Oh, honey, I do, honestly I do." "Then will you get up and take care of him?" "Isn't there some kind of a compromise?" "Look, I'll tell you what-- maybe the baby won't cry at all." "But if he does, whoever hears him first will get up, keep him quiet so the other one can sleep." "Now, is that fair?" "All right, you got a deal." "Okay." "Come on, let's go to bed." "(baby crying softly)" "(Crying stops)" "(louder crying)" "(Crying stops)" "(very loud crying)" "(both snore loudly)" "All right, you out-snored me, you big phony." "(crying continues)" "Shh, shh, Shh." "It's all right, honey, it's all right." "It's all right, baby." "That's okay, that's okay, honey." "(crying continues)" "Shh." "(alarm clock ringing)" "Lucy!" "Lucy, honey, wake up!" "What's the matter?" "Baby cry?" "Don't get up, dear, I'll get him." "Honey, it's morning." "Oh, oh." "Straighten up." "Uh... oh, I can't." "Lower the side of the crib." "Huh?" "Oh." "(moaning)" "What time is it?" "It's 10:00." "Oh, I got to get your breakfast." "Hey, honey, wait." "Honey!" "Honey, please don't..." "don't worry about my breakfast." "Come on, you got to get some rest." "All right." "Listen, tonight I'm going to make sure you go to bed real early." "Oh, no, we're going to play bridge with the Mertzes." "Oh, no, no, I'll call that off." "Oh, no, don't do that, that's all the fun I have." "I'll be all right." "All I need is a little sleep." "All I ask..." "Well, are you all set to play..." "RICKY:" "Honey, I don't seem to be able to find the card..." "No use trying to play tonight." " No." " She's really bushed, isn't she?" "Yes." "I guess taking care of the house and the baby is a little bit too much for her." "Well, taking care of a little baby's no easy job." "Well..." "You know what I was thinking, Ethel?" "What?" "I ought to get Lucy a maid." "A maid?" "Oh, Ricky, that's wonderful." "Well, it's a big expense, but she can't go on this way." "So you're thinking of getting Lucy a maid, huh?" "Hey, that idea might be a good thing for us, too." "Why, Fred, are you thinking of getting me a maid?" "Nope." "I'm thinking of hiring you out to the Ricardos." "Lucy, honey... wake up." "(shouting):" "Three, no trump!" "We haven't started playing yet." "Oh, hi." " Hi." " Hi." "And, honey, you know what we just decided?" "I'm going to get you a maid." "ETHEL:" "Isn't that wonderful, Lucy?" "A maid!" "I must still be asleep." "I thought you said you were going to get me a maid." "I did, honey." "You can't go on this way." "You need some help." "Oh, Ricky, you're the most wonderful husband in the world!" "Oh, honey!" "Gee, just think, honey, this is the last breakfast I'll ever have to serve." "What time is the first maid coming out?" "Well, the agency said she'd be here about 10:00." "What do you mean, the first maid?" "Well, honey, you have to talk to three or four of them before you can decide." "Oh, anybody the agency sends out ought to be all right." "Now, wait a minute, honey." "I don't want you to get started wrong." "I want you to handle this like a real businesswoman." "Well..." "You got to ask her questions, find out something about her." "Oh, I don't know." "Honey, why don't you stay around and interview her?" "Well, I can't, honey." "I got to go to rehearsal." "Well, I've never interviewed one before." "What do I ask her?" "Well, you got to ask her, uh... where she worked before, why she left, if she's a good cook, if she knows how to serve... if she's got a catcher's mitt." "Well, couldn't I just hire her, and hope that everything works out all right?" "Now, now, now, wait a minute." "The most important thing in hiring anybody is to establish the relationship" "right from the start." " Oh." "You've got to be firm." "Let her know who's working for who." " Oh." "Yeah, don't give her too much time off." "Make sure she understands what her hours are and what her duties are." "Be tough." "Well, I better go." "I'll call you later, see how you made out." " Okay." " Bye." "(no sound)" " Hey. .." "(screaming)" "Oh, Ethel." "I was practicing interviewing the maid." "Oh." "Ricky said that I should be firm with her." "Well, what are you going to say?" "Well, I..." "Here, you be the maid." "Now, first, I want to get a look at you." "Eh." "Now, I want you to understand just what kind of a job this is." "It's no cinch." "You'll cook and clean, do the laundry and the ironing and help take care of the baby." "You'll have Thursdays off and Sunday afternoons only." "I expect you here at 8:00 in the morning and you mustn't leave until after 8:30 at night." "Do you understand?" "Hey, that was good, you were real firm." "Well, it's the only way." "You see, you have to establish the relationship right from the start." "(door buzzer)" "There she is." "Well, I'll see you later." "Now, be firm." "Yeah." "(door buzzer)" "Good morning, I am from the employment agency." "Are you Mrs. Ricardo?" "Yes." "Uh, there are a few things that I think that..." "First there are some things that I think we should discuss." "That's right." "Now, I must have Wednesday afternoons off and every weekend." "I can't possibly come before 9:00 in the morning, and I must leave before 7:00 at night." "Oh." "Of course, you have an automatic dishwasher?" "No, we don't." "A dryer?" "No." "Uh, but we have a..." "we have a garbage disposal and a washing machine." "Well..." "And a television set, 21-inch screen." "I'll take the job." "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you." "May I help you off with your coat?" "Yes." "Oh, that's a very pretty hat." "Yes." "Well, now I'll see what I've gotten myself into." "Oh, yes, go right ahead." "Just don't wake up the baby." "Baby?" "!" "Well, he's just a little one." "He, he really isn't very much trouble." "Who takes care of him?" "I do?" "Including his laundry?" "Oh, yes, yes, I do everything for him." "I take full charge of the baby, always." "Oh, well, that's all right." "Yes." "Where's the kitchen?" "In there." "Oh, I forgot, what is your name?" "Mrs. Porter." "Oh, and what do I call you?" "Mrs. Porter." "(phone rings)" "Ricardos' residence." "Huh?" "Just a minute." "Are you in to a Mrs. Mertz?" "Ask her which Mrs. Mertz." "Which Mrs. Mertz?" "The one you owe two months' rent to." "Hello, Ethel." "Oh, this is Mrs. Mertz' scullery girl." "I'll ask the downstairs maid to ask the upstairs maid if madame can talk to you." "All right, all right." "How you doing?" "Well, it isn't exactly the way I dreamed about it." "What's the matter?" "Oh, I'll come down later and tell you about it." "She's fixing my lunch now." "Fixing your lunch?" "That doesn't sound bad." "Well, I think maybe it'll work out all right." "I'll be down later." "Good-bye." "Lunch is ready." "Oh, all right." "Well, you don't want me to bring it in there, do you?" "Oh." "Oh, no, of course not." "I'll eat in the kit... uh, in the breakfast nook." "What's the matter?" "Don't you like peanut butter sandwiches?" "Oh, yes." "Yes, I like them very much as a rule, but..." "I tell you what, I think I'd rather have some of that roast beef that's in the refrigerator." "That snivelly little leftover?" "Why, there was half a roast..." "Oh, yeah, that was the one." "Why, it hardly made a good mouthful." "Well, there's a head of lettuce, if I could..." "If I didn't have the salad, I'd have starved to death." "There's some jelly up in the..." "All gone?" "Some milk?" "All gone?" "Well, I've got to eat, too, you know." "Oh, I know, I know." "Yes, of course, surely." "That's the way to eat a peanut butter sandwich." "That's what's good for you-- a nice, pure thick peanut butter on dry bread." "Good, huh?" "I'll make you another one." "I'll make you another one." "(knocking on door)" "Hi." "Oh, pardon my answering the door dressed like this, your highness." "If you'll excuse me, I'll go put on a formal gown." "If you'll excuse me, I'll go put on a formal gown." "Oh, shut up." "What's the matter?" "Oh, Ethel, let's face it, I'm not the type to have a maid." "Some people are cut out for champagne and caviar." "I'm more the beer and pretzel type." "What's the matter?" "What happened?" "Oh, she walks all over me." "She gets most of the time off, I have to take care of the baby," "I have to do his laundry, and she's eating me out of house and home." "What am I going to do?" "That's easy, fire her." "Fire her'?" "Oh, I don't know." "Well, you certainly can't keep her." "You just said you're not the type to have a maid." "Well, I'm not the type to fire one, either." "Lucy Ricardo, are you afraid of the maid?" "Afraid?" "Me?" "Yes!" "Lucy, you go right up there and fire her." "Come on, now, who's the boss?" "You or her?" "I am." " Who gives the orders?" " I do." "Well, are you going to let someone, a stranger, someone you pay money to, boss you around?" "I should say not!" "Well, what are you going to do about it?" "I'm going to go right up there and tell her she's through right now." "I'll show her who's the boss." "She's got a lot of nerve." "Mrs. Porter." "Yes?" "May I see you for a moment?" "Mrs. Porter, there's something I'd like to say to you." "Well?" "Uh, could I have glass of water, please?" "Thank you." "Mrs. Porter!" "Well?" "Could I have some more water, please?" "Well, you haven't finished that." "Oh." "I guess I'm kind of thirsty from all that peanut butter." "(laughing weakly)" "Oh, hi, honey." "How's my lady of leisure?" "All rested up, huh?" "No." "Why, what's the matter?" "I don't like having a maid." "I'm just not cut out for it, Ricky." "I feel like I'm working for her." "That's worse than doing all the work myself." "Well, we only got her because we thought it was going to be good for you." "If you don't like her, we'll let her go." "We'll fire her, huh?" "Sure." "Good." "I'll go down and see Ethel, and after you fire her, call me." "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey." "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "This is your project-- you hire her, you fire her." "Oh, I tried to and I couldn't." "Well, why not?" "I got waterlogged." "Huh?" "You'll do it for me, won't you, Ricky?" "Honey, I haven't even met her." "Well, that's perfect." "I'll introduce you." "I'll say, "Mrs. Porter, this is my husband."" "You say, "How do you do?" "You're fired."" "Now don't be silly." "I told you I want you to run this house like a business." "Well, if you're afraid..." "Me?" "Afraid?" "(laughing)" "Why, I could go in there right now and fire her just like that." "Well, go ahead." "I will, I'll tell her, go right in there now." "That's telling her." "Well, I was waiting for you to introduce me." "Oh, sure." "Besides, if we don't lower our voices, nobody will have to tell her-- she'll hear us." "Hey... hey, that's it." " What?" " Um... (loudly):" "It's too bad, but I think we're going to have to let Mrs. Porter go!" "Did you say we have to let Mrs. Porter go?" "!" "Yes, I'm going to let her go right after dinner!" "It just isn't working out." "Well, I guess you have to let Mrs. Porter go, then." "Yes." "Um, I'm going to let her go, but I'm going to give her a good recommendation and a week's pay." "A whole week." "A good recommendation." "A week's pay." "A good recommendation!" "(door buzzer)" "(no sound)" "Mrs. Porter, what are you doing here?" "I went out to empty some trash and the back door locked me out." "I knocked, but with all that yelling, nobody could hear me." "You must have had some fight." " Hi." " Hi." "What's the matter?" "Oh, I can't stand it upstairs with that maid, and I haven't got the nerve to fire her." "Well, somebody's got to fire her." "Yeah." "Ethel, will you..." "No!" "Guess there's not much chance that she'll quit, huh?" "With an easy job like that, why should she quit?" "Yeah." "Hey, wait a minute-- what if she didn't have such an easy job?" "What if she had to work her head off cleaning up all the time?" "Yeah." "How can we make my apartment look like a pigpen?" "Oh, that's easy-- let Fred stay there for a while." "No, come on, now, help me, what can we do?" "Well, let's see..." "I could have Fred bring up a lot of junk from the basement." "Tell him to bring up everything that's messy." " Okay." "Let's see, then we have to wait until Mrs. Porter goes marketing, and then we'll mess the place up." "And after she gets it all cleaned up, we'll say we get it that dirty every day." "That ought to do it." "That ought to do it, yes, sir." "Oh, hurry up." "Come on!" "(laughing)" "How does it look?" "Oh, boy, that's beginning to look good." "How you doing in the kitchen?" "Oh, fine." "I made a paste out of peanut butter and mustard and molasses and I smeared it over everything out there." "Oh, this I got to see." "Come on and look at it." "I really did a fine job, wait till you see it." "Oh, no, oh... oh, Ethel." "Isn't that great?" "Oh, I wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it." "Oh, look at that." "Oh!" "Well, let's see now." "We forget anything?" "Well, we could always throw a dead horse in the corner." "(laughing)" " Hey, hey!" " What?" "I found these old feather pillows." "Here." " What are they for?" " What are they for?" "Why, to spread the feathers around, of course." "How do you go about doing that?" "Well, there's only one way." "Oh!" "Hey, what's going on here?" "Hey, are you crazy or something?" "What are you doing?" "It's a scheme to make Mrs. Porter quit." "Oh, no." "What's the matter?" "Well, I felt sorry for you, so I called her up an hour ago and I fired her." "(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "ANNOUNCER:" "Mrs. Porter was played by Verna Felton." "I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production."