"let's get out of here and go to the bar." "yeah, i'd like to get there before all the hot chicks are taken." "are you comin', lou?" "yeah, i'll get a beer." "hey, rich..." " did you-- - oh, this?" "that's just piss." " you pissed your pants?" " sure." "you know, there's a bathroom back there." "urine is rich in pheromones." " what?" " pheromones, you idiot." "didn't you ever learn science?" "when i pissed my pants just now, i released millions of pheromones." "and that... triggers attraction in the female." "yeah, but you pissed your pants." "and i suggest you do the same." "now let's go." "i have to get to the bar before this dries." ""lucky louie" was taped before a live audience." "oh, jesus." "were you up all night watching stolen cable?" "yeah." "i was watching "an officer and a gentleman."" "i was waiting for the nude scene so i could jerk off and go to bed... but they cut it out." "fucking tbs sucks shit." "honey, your day is so fucked." "why?" "it's sunday. i-- yeah. i'm working today, you have lucy all day and you forgot." "so..." "good luck, dummy." "papa, what are we doing now?" "we're eating our breakfast." "i'm done eating breafkast." "what is your problem?" "i made a snowman." "papa, listen to me." "i have things to say." "why don't you go play in your room, okay?" "i don't wanna play by myself." "how about lisa?" "you wanna play with her?" "okay!" "good." "hi, ellen." "lucy was wondering" " if she could play with lisa today." " hi, lisa." "oh, well, lisa and i were just on our way to church." " mommy, can lucy come to church with us?" " yeah, papa, can i?" "oh, well, honey, we're late as it is, and lucy isn't really dressed for church anyway." "oh, no problem." "hold on." "here we go." "all right." "all right, here we go." "all right, all set." "thanks a lot, ellen." "so i take it you're not coming." " you know, ordinarily i-- - mm-hmm." "yeah, okay." "see you." "hello?" "anybody home?" " hey." " hey." "wh-- what are you doing home so early?" " i swapped shifts with teresa." " why?" "to give dummy a break." "where's lucy?" "uh, she's with lisa and ellen." "oh, louie, you pawned her off on ellen?" " i'll go get her." " +, actually, they took her to church." "what?" "no." "yeah, i thought maybe i dreamt it, but no, i actually did it." "louie, what the fuck?" "!" "you don't just send our daughter to church!" "what's the big deal?" "i was tired." "but we have never even discussed whether or not we want her to have church in her fe." " well, do we?" " no!" " just take it easy, kim, all right?" "it's just one day in a church." "it's not gonna alter her dna." " mommy!" " lucy!" "mmm." "church was scary!" "oh, honey." "i am sorry, but nobody told me that lucy had never been to church before." "there was a man stuck on a tree and his name was jesus and he scared me!" "oh, baby, it's okay." "i didn't like him!" "sweetie, it's all right." "jesus isn't real." "he's just pretend." "okay?" "he's just a funny pretend man." "he's just silly." "ellen, thank you so much for taking care of her." "i'm really sorry that louie dumped her off on you." "it's okay." "lisa, let's go." "mommy, it's sunday." "lucy, ow!" "wake up." "it's time to go to church." "lucy, we don't go to church." "it's scary, remember?" "but i want to. i wanna give jesus band-aids and slippers." "how does she even know that you go to church on sundays?" "because she's smart." "that's why we should have been there her first time." "come on, let's go to church now." "i'll wait for you in the kitchen." "ugh, get off, you fucking anus!" " hi, lisa." " hi, lucy." "hey, ellen." ""and david put his hand in his bag and took thence a stone and slung it and smote the philistine in his forehead." "and the stone sank into his forehead and he fell upon his face to the earth."" "i think the boredom is working on her." "good. give it a little longer." ""...and smote the philistine and slew him, but there was no sword in the hand of david."" "stop that." "what?" "don't eat in church." "they're all up there eatin' jesus, why can't i have this?" "i have to go to the bathroom." "i'm going to the bathroom." "would you like to confess?" "huh?" "we don't usually take confession during mass, but i saw someone in here." "do you need absolution?" "uh, no." "i'm sorry, i'm not catholic." "i'm just, uh, hiding." "hiding?" "from what?" "uh... my wife." "sounds like you're carrying a burden." "would you let god shoulder it for you?" "no, i-- thanks, father, but i'm not really religious at all." "you don't believe in god?" "no. do you?" "um... yes." "sorry." "i believe in hell, though." " you do?" " oh, yeah." "i worry about hell. i have nightmares about it." " really?" " yup." "tell me about it." "well, i have this dream where i'm in a hallway in hell and this demon walks up to me and he says, "hey, suck my dick," you know?" "and so... so anyway, i'm blowing the demon for a while and then-- and then when i'm done, this dude who's, like, in charge of hell, he walks up to me and he says," ""hey, man, you didn't have to blow that guy, you know?" "he just hangs out here." "he's not part of your official damnation." "i mean, you're gonna be here for eternity and you're gonna have a lot of demons you have to blow, so don't be freelancing in the hallways."" "and i feel like an idiot, because the demon came fire ants all over my face, you know?" "hello?" "yes, that's very..." "vivid." "yeah." "i'm sorry, man." "it's okay." "look, obviously, you're carrying a lot of guilt." "now maybe if you told me what's bothering you today-- what burden drove you in here?" "you know what it is?" "i'm a shitty father." "i was supposed to take care of my daughter, but instead i let the neighbors take her to church." "can you believe that?" "and she got really into it." "and now my wife's stuck out there too." "god damn it, i'm such a dick." "first of all, i wish you wouldn't sin in the confessional." "oh, sorry." "it's okay." "you had some guilt and you just unburdened it." "now how did that feel?" "good." "i take it you don't know your "hail marys" or your "our fathers."" "no." "well, then in the name of the father and of the son and the holy spirit, i absolve you of all your sins." "wow." "that felt great!" " so you went to confession?" " yeah." "you're not even catholic, are you?" " no." " well, what's kim?" "is she catholic?" "i think catholic or jewish. i don't know." "how do you not know that?" "well, she told me when we were first dating, and then i forgot and now i'm afraid to ask." "eh." "she's probably jewish." "yeah, religions are all bullshit." "they're for a bunch of nitwits who don't want to admit that we're all just a bunch of slimy fish who grew legs;" "for morons who can't accept the fact that there's no god." "of course there's a god." "what proof is there of that?" "who do you think made you, asshole?" "what the fuck does that mean?" "where did you come from?" "my mother's cunt." "okay, where'd she come from?" "her mother's cunt." "and her mother's cunt before that." "and it goes back like that from cunt to cunt to cunt to cunt... all the way back, till eventually you get to that slimy fish with no legs." "okay, where'd the fish come from?" "his legless mother's cunt." "you see, everything and everybody comes from their mother's cunt." "hold on." "with all these cunts, i mean, they had to come from somewhere." "where did they come from?" "i guess they all come from one big, giant cunt." "yeah." "and that's god." "maybe. maybe." "papa, can i have another pancake?" "sure. i'm glad you like 'em." " hey, you want another one?" " oh no, thank you." "are you sure?" "i've got plenty left." "oh, i know, but they're very filling." "i think you overdid it with the nuts a little." "i just don't think pancakes should be crunchy." "yeah, i can see that." "so i made pancakes, right?" "it's all right." "god's listening." "i got up early, i made pancakes from scratch." " i was st trying to make her happy." " okay." "lucy loved the pancakes." "they're good." "but kim says-- she goes, "pancakes shouldn't be crunchy."" "can you believe that shit?" "no "thank you," just "shouldn't be crunchy."" "did you tell her how you felt?" "yeah, boy, you could tell you've never been married." "okay, well, i'm not sure what you want from me here." "well, can you absolve me like bore?" "but where's the sin?" "i guess i'm confessing that my wife... oh, i wanna just punch her right in the face." "all right, harboring violence in your heart." "that's good, yeah, 'cause i really do wanna punch her in the face." "all right." "in the name of the father and of the son and the holy spirit, i absolve you of all your sins." "sweet." " hi, poops." " hey, tina." " i'm going for a walk." " yeah?" "okay." "i just wanna get some exercise." "i won't be long." "is something wrong?" "yeah, he's been going for these walks lately." "he says he's trying to lose weight, but i don't know." "are you guys having trouble?" "no. if anything, he's been easier to get along with." "he got up with lucy the other day, made pancakes." "i don't know what's wrong with him." "have you smelled his penis?" "what?" "he disappears, he's in a good mood, and you saw that sweater he was wearing." "smell his penis." " ellen." " hi, kim. is louie here?" " no. why?" " i was running late for church and i was wondering if you wanted to share a cab." "oh, thanks, but we're not going anymore." "oh. i just thought-- because i've been" " seeing him there a lot lately." " you have?" "yeah." "i mean, he's usually in the confessional." "he's confessing?" "smell it, honey." "if you don't, i will." "sometimes... sometimes when we go to parties she starts telling these long stories that just go on and on." "i can see-- just the pain in people's faces, but she's totally oblivious to it." "it's like she's never seen somebody interested, so she doesn't know what it looks like." "she thinks the normal face people make when they're listening is like this... i can't see you." "and also, this is not a sin of any kind." "oh, yeah." "okay." "um, i wanna confess that i really just wanna-- louie, what are you doing in here?" "!" "what the hell?" "get out of here!" "what is he telling you?" "!" "what's going on?" "!" "tell me!" "he's my husband!" " ma'am, if you could just-- - wait a minute." "it's none of your business what i'm telling him." "are you fooling around on me?" " is he?" "!" " maybe if you two step into my office-- no no no. this is my time. tell her to leave." "okay, you know what?" "both of you, go home." "hey, you're black." "so?" "nothing." "it's just interesting." " louie!" " look." "you're not catholic either, are you?" " no, i'm jewish." " ah." "okay, look, this is none of my business, but if there's ever been two people on earth that need to talk to each other, it's you." "go home, sit down and lk." "please." "he didn't sound black." "i hope i didn't say anything, you know-- come on!" "okay, she's down." "why were you confessing those things to a priest?" "because i can't tell you those things." "why can't you tell me?" "it would start a fight." "it wouldn't be worth it." "we've been married for five years." "things just build up that you can't say." "i know you have some buildup." "well, yeah, i guess so, but we should be able to talk to each other." "i know." "well, maybe we should." "why don't you tell me something that you don't wanna tell me?" " yeah?" " yeah, go ahead." "okay, fine." "two days ago rich called and i told him i would tell you, but i didn't tell you." "actually, rich calls a lot more than you're aware of." "and i don't tell you because i don't want to." " okay." " you go now." "okay, um... i'm really proud of you that you became a nurse, but sometimes, you know-- you're just a nurse." "you're not the first nurse." "it's not like you're a doctor." "just sometimes you get a little-- i mean, i could be a nurse. so what?" "hmm." "okay." "your balls are weird." "wha-- what-- what do you mean?" "how are they weird?" "they're weird, the weirdest balls i've ever seen." "it's just the way they hang." "weird." "i'm just kinda sick of your weird little balls." "maybe we shouldn't do this. it's not-- no no no no." "let's keep going." "we're confessing." "all right." "sometimes when we're fucking i pretend you're blowing me." "actually, every time." "i feel bad, 'cause it's like i'm cheating on your pussy with your mouth." "okay." "noted." "you know what?" "it does bug me you never got me an engagement ring." "cheap motherfucker." "you go now." "okay, uh... let's see... okay, well... i'm out." "i mean, that's it." "there's nothing that you don't know." "same." "wow, i feel empty... like a shell." "me too." "and i know so many things about you i wish i could un-know." "but it feels good." "it's peaceful." "yeah, i mean, i got nothing to hide from you now." "it's great." "we should do this again." "yeah, in another five years." "mama." "oh, god, lucy's up. we're both fucked for the day." "mama, i wanna go to rachel's house, and then she said that then we can have danny come over." "oh, and i have to tell you about this dream that i had." "it was about me and this pony-- yay!" "tv!" "i wanna watch "the funnies,"" "'cause i love mr. funny and"