"?" "I'm goin' down to South Park?" "?" "Gonna have myself a time?" "?" "Friendly faces everywhere?" "?" "Humble folks without temptation?" "?" "Goin' down to South Park?" "?" "Gonna leave my woes behind?" "?" "Ample parking day or night?" "?" "People spouting "Howdy, neighbor"?" "?" "Headed on up to South Park?" "?" "Gonna see if I can't unwind?" "?" "So come on down to South Park?" "?" "And meet some friends of mine.?" "This Saturday, Pox presents the musical event of the new millennium." "You all remember playing the recorder in elementary school." "Well, this Saturday, in Oklahoma City, over four million third grade students from all over the country will gather in one place and at the same time play "My Country 'Tis of Thee" on their recorders." "It's the largest third grade recorder concert ever!" "Special guest conductor, Yoko Ono." "And woodwind virtuoso Kenny G will lead this fantastic event." "This Saturday at 11:00 Eastern, 10:00 Central, the world will be watching." "Okay, children, we still got some time to practice the song before we load up the bus and head out for Oklahoma." "Now come on, there's gonna be over four million third graders from all over the country there, and I want to make sure that South Park is the best, okay?" "Recorders up." "And-a one, and-a two, and-a..." "?" "Of liberty...?" "You're late." "?" "My father...?" "What the hell was that?" "Goddamn it," "I don't think you children have been working on your fingering!" "That's not true, Mr. Garrison." "Kyle was working on his fingering with his mom all night long." "Shut up, fat ass!" "No, seriously." "Kyle's mom says" "Kyle's getting really good at fingering." "Shut up, Eric." "There's gonna be four million children playing this song at the same time on their recorders, and so help me God," "South Park Elementary is not gonna be the only ones that don't know the song." "Try again!" "Recorders up." "And-a one, and-a two, and-a..." "Okay, that's sounding great, kids." "Sure, if you like the sound of a peacock getting its neck broken." "Okay, kids, we have some news." "Uh, there's been a terrible flood in Oklahoma, okay?" "So the four million recorder children's event is being moved to Arkansas." "Arkansas?" "What's Arkansas?" "Is that a state?" "The trip shouldn't take any longer, but I'll hand out these updated contact sheets so that your parents will know where you are, okay?" "Mr. Mackey, can I talk to you for a second?" "Okay." "Mr. Mackey, I can't go to Arkansas." "Somebody's gonna have to fill in for me." "What?" "We can't find anybody to fill in for you." "Why can't you go to Arkansas?" "Arkansas is where I grew up." "My parents live there." "My... father still lives there." "Well, don't you wanna see them?" "I haven't seen my father for 23 years." "Uh, perhaps you should sit down, Mr. Garrison, okay?" "Mr. Garrison, I know this is very difficult, okay?" "But I must ask- is there a history of sexual abuse in your family?" "Some, yes." "There was my uncle," "Richard - he... he molested me." "When was that?" "Saturday." "Last-last Saturday." "He's a paraplegic, but it didn't..." "Okay, and... and your father?" "He molested you when you were a boy?" "Mr. Garrison, I think when we get to Arkansas, you need to see your father." "You need to face this demon in your closet, okay?" "Don't look at me." "I'll go on your bastard trip, but just don't look at me!" "That was pretty cool." "Okay." "Okay, how about this one, Kenny?" "Uh-uh." "No?" "How about this?" "Nope." "Hmm, interesting." "Let's see." "How about this?" "Cartman, what the hell are you doing?" "We're trying to find "the brown noise. "" "It's this one pitch, this certain frequency that makes people lose bowel control." "What's "lose bowel control"?" "That's a scientific term for crapping your pants." "Oh, brother, here we go again." "Cartman, there is not a sound frequency that makes people crap their pants." "Yes, there is!" "The French experimented with it in World War II." "Nuh-uh." "How about this one, Kenny?" "Uh-uh." "There is no brown noise, fat boy." "That's nice." "When I find it, I'll just make you crap yourself till you look like Karen Carpenter." "Who's Karen Carpenter?" "Mr. Garrison, are you all right?" "Mr. Garrison isn't here right now." "Okay, Mr. Garrison, you're just having a hard time dealing with the memories of your father's sexual abuse, so you switched personalities to Mr. Hat, okay?" "Oh, good one, Sherlock." "You figure that out all by yourself?" "Okay, I think the best thing for Mr. Garrison to do is to go see his father." "No!" "No, you moron!" "Mr. Garrison can't let the memories in!" "Just leave us alone!" "Okay, Mr. Hat, you need to let me talk to Mr. Garrison, okay?" "Why would he wanna talk to a second-rate, dopey-ass, elementary school psychologist?" "What did you say?" "!" "You heard me, jackass." "There's monkeys that make better counselors than you." "Why, you son-of-a-bitch!" "Whoa, Mr. Mackey and Mr. Hat are fighting." "I'm gonna kick your ass, okay?" "Be quiet back there!" "Uh, no!" "You may have won this time, Mr. Hat." "Okay, I want everyone to stay together, okay?" "Nobody move." "School?" "Excuse me?" "What school are you from?" "Oh, uh, we're from South Park, Colorado." "All right, South Park School, you go over there next to the kids from New York." "No, no, don't put the Florida kids in the building." "Hey, look at the freakin' Eskimos in their little hats and gloves." "Yeah, huh." "Whoa, look at this kid's coat." "Hey, kid, what's-a-matter?" "You a freakin' burn victim or somethin', what?" "Who the hell are these guys?" "I didn't know they was inviting rednecks to this event." "We're not rednecks." "Yeah, that's Texans, butthole." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, you look like a bunch of queefs to me, huh?" "You guys, what's a queef?" "Kenny?" "I don't know." "Oh, brother, you guys don't even know what a queef is, huh?" "Of course we know what a queef is, you queef." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, what is it then?" "Uh..." "Why, don't you know?" "Are all redneck queefs from Colorado as stupid as youse?" "All right, dickhole..." "I need everyone's attention, please." "We will now all be moving in an orderly fashion to our assigned hotels." "Please follow your group leaders to check in." "Yeah, see ya later, queefs." "I can't find the word "queef" anywhere." "Well, keep looking." "We got to find out what it means before we see those New Yorker kids again." "Well, let's try the dictionary." ""Queazy, Quebec, queen, quelch. "" "No "queef. "" "Dammit!" "Hey, I found it, you guys!" "I found it!" "You did?" "What's it mean?" "What's it mean?" "I told you guys, here it is, right here." ""The brown noise. "" "Ah!" "Dammit, Cartman." ""An oscillation of sound that causes the bowels to loosen. "" "See, that means crap your pants." ""The brown noise is believed to be 92 cents below the lowest octave of E-flat. "" "What does that mean?" "Who cares?" "Come on, we have to find out what "queef" means." "Keep reading." "I can do this." "I have to do this." "Hello, Dad." "Oh, hello, son." "Can I... come in?" "Uh, sure, of course." "Your mom's out at bridge night." "You want a beer or somethin'?" "No, I don't think that will solve any of our problems, though you seem to think it did." "W" " What?" "I have a lot of demons that I need to face, Father." "I need to know some things." "O" " Okay, like what?" "All right, all right, let's just cut right to it." "I've come to ask you about the sexual abuse, Dad." "What?" "!" "I have to know why!" "Right here and now, we're gonna talk about this!" "What the hell are you talking about?" "I never sexually abused you." "I know." "I wanna know why not." "What?" "!" "Was it that I was ugly?" "Oh, my God!" "I wasn't good enough for you, was that it, Dad?" "Well... no!" "Sure, you could go off and screw any whore on Ryland Street, but when it came to your own son, you were just too busy!" "All right, everyone, quiet, please." "There are over four million of you, so we must have quiet." "At this time I would like to introduce the woman who is making this all possible:" "Yoko Ono!" "..."My country 'tis of thee. "" "You heard her." "We'll start the rehearsal in a few minutes." "Those New Yorker kids are gonna be here any second, and we still don't know what queef means." "Well, we can still pretend like we know what it means." "No, they'll catch on." "Hey, wait a minute, I've got a great idea." "Let's make up our own word." "We can make up a word and then use it." "And then they'll act like they know it, and we'll bust 'em." "Yeah, that'll make 'em look stupid." "What word could we make up?" "How 'bout "finkleroy"?" "No, no, not finkleroy." "How 'bout "geebo" or-or "mung"?" "Yeah, mung!" "Mung's good." "Shh, here they come." "Well, hello there, queefs." "All bundled up nice and warm, are we?" "You know what you guys are?" "You guys are nothing but mung." "What did you call us?" "We're not mung; you're mung." "Oh, so you know what mung means, huh?" "Of course we know what mung means." "Yeah, d'you think we wouldn't know what mung means?" "We busted you." "Y" " Yeah." "Mung isn't even a word." "We made it up." "You guys are even stupider than I thought." "Mung issoa word." "It is?" "Yeah." "It is." "Uh-huh." "Yeah, mung is the stuff that comes out when you push down on a pregnant woman's stomach." "Ew!" "Oh." "You guys didn't know that?" "Come on, guys, let's get away from these rednecks before we get "redneckasitis"" "or somethin'." "You dumbass, Cartman." "Yeah, next time you make up a word, don't make up one that already exists!" "It's so nice to see you, son." "I'm so proud that you're part of the four-million child recorder blow." "Yes, I hope it's okay if I stay here a few nights, Mother." "I" " I have some things" "I really need to talk to you about." "About what?" "Mother, did you know that Dad never sexually molested me?" "That-that can't be." "He never did, Mom, not once." "That's not true!" "Your father loved you... often." "He never did, Mom, and I think you knew he never did." "No, no, if I knew I would've made him do it." "You stood by and let it happen." "You saw him come home drunk and then just go right to sleep." "I'm not listening." "Face it, Mother, he never abused me!" "Wh-What's going on?" "Mother won't hear the truth." "He says you didn't molest him as a child." "I didn't!" "You knew I didn't." "No!" "I didn't know." "I'm not listening." "You can't close your eyes forever, Mother." "Mother, wait." "All right..." "We must have..." "Okay, children, we need to pay closer attention to the sheet music." "Remember, if you get lost, just follow along with Mr. Kenny G, here." "Hey, that's it, Kenny." "Maybe Kenny G can show us where 92 cents below the lowest E-flat is." "Then we'll know the brown noise." "Yeah!" "And-a one..." "Stop, stop, stop it!" "That was a terrify!" "That was a horribly!" "What we gonna do?" "What the hell is that lady talking about?" "I have no idea." "Uh, Mr. Garrison, Senior?" "Uh, that's me." "Uh, my name is Mr. Mackey," "I'm your school counselor, okay." "What can I do for ya?" "I wanna talk to you about your son." "I'm his therapist, okay." "Oh, brother." "Look, I didn't sexually abuse my son when he was younger." "Y" " You didn't?" "No!" "He's upset because Ididn'tmolest him." "Oh... hmm." "Well, I guess that's a little different." "A little!" "Yeah." "He thinks if I don't molest him, it means I don't love him." "Well, now, uh, what's he supposed to think, Mr. Garrison?" "I mean, look at all the media- all the magazine ads and television ads talking about sexual molestation, okay." "He sees all that and assumes that you didn't molest him because of some flaw in his looks or personality." "I didn't do it because it's wrong." "I know, I know, but I'm afraid this problem has run very deep through Mr. Garrison's mental state." "I'm worried that if you don't something, well, it could kill him." "Hold on a second, are you actually suggesting that I have sex with my 41-year-old son?" "There comes a time in every father's life when he must ask himself" ""How far will I go to save my son's life?" Okay?" "Well, I won't have sex with him!" "Well, I've said all I can say." "I know it's difficult, but family is about compromises, okay." "Don't lose your son over this, Mr. Garrison." "Don't lose your son." "Okay?" "Am I the only sane person left on earth?" "Tomorrow the world will be tuning in as over four million children play "My Country 'Tis of Thee"" "on their recorders." "It is by far the largest gathering of little plastic recorders in human history." "Yoko Ono has..." "Well, Mom said I could sleep in the guest room tonight." "Good night, Dad." "Good night." "Words to live by." "Guess I'll just go on up to bed now." "Uh-huh." "Don't really have pajamas." "Guess I'll just sleep in my boxers or something." "Should be fine." "Uh, I'll leave the door open a little in case you need to see me about anything." "Won't be necessary." "I'll just... just be going up to bed now." "Gue-guess maybe I won't even wear those boxers." "I'm not going to molest you!" "You don't love me!" "I wanna die!" "Goddammit!" "I wish we could find a way to get back at those New Yorker kids." "Yeah, they think they're so cool." "You guys!" "You guys, we found it!" "We found it, you guys!" "Calm down, Cartman." "You found what?" "The brown noise!" "Kenny and me found the brown noise!" "Here, look, look, okay, let's see, okay." "Okay, okay." "Ready, Kenny?" "Ready." "Ooh, ooh!" "No way." "I don't believe it." "I'm seriously, you guys." "Come on, watch." "Okay." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, I crapped my pants!" "That's amazing." "I told you guys." "Dude, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "That they should bring back Chicago Hope for another season?" "Totally!" "No, that we could use the brown noise to get back at those asshole New Yorker kids." "Yeah!" "Yeah, dude." "They should bring back another season ofChicago Hopethough, seriously." "Hey, what's the matter there, Garrison?" "You look kinda sad." "Oh, I'm havin' some troubles at home." "Well, come on, tell us about it." "We always help each other out, don't we, fellas?" "Yeah!" "Yeah, that's right." "Yeah." "All right, it's just that..." "I mean, we're all family men here, right?" "Sure!" "Sure are!" "I am, I know that." "Well, can I ask you guys a difficult question?" "Absolutely." "Of course." "Come on, Garrison." "All right, would you have sex with your son to save his life?" "Oh, this is one of them scruples questions, ain't it?" "No, no, I got a better one." "Would you have sex with your mother to save your father's life?" "Ooh!" "Oh, yeah." "Hmm." "Oh, like if someone had a gun to your father's head and said," ""Have sex with your mother, or else I'll shoot 'im"?" "Yeah." "Ooh, that's a tough one." "Hmm..." "No, no, wait, uh, you don't understand." "How 'bout if someone made you have sex with your motherandfather to save your own life?" "No!" "No!" "No way." "But if it was to save my mother's life," "I think I would have to have sex with my father." "Yep." "Me, too." "Well, I think that goes without saying." "Actually, I'm just talking about a son." "Well, personally," "I would have sex with my son to save my mother's life." "It depends." "How big a gun are we talkin' here?" "Uh, he doesn't have a gun." "The father doesn't have a gun?" "No!" "Nobody's got a gun!" "I think if someone said" ""Have sex with your mother, or else I'm gonna kill your son, "" "but he didn't have a gun," "I wouldn't do it." "He could have a knife, though." "Yeah." "Right." "Sure, a knife." "If a killer put a knife to my throat and said," ""Have sex with your father" ""or else I'm gonna kill your mother while having sex with you, "" "I would have sex with myself." "That makes sense." "What's he talking about?" "What'd he say?" "How do we write the note, Cartman?" ""Lowest E-flat... "" "I think it looks like this." "All right, now all we do is wipe out the last note on their sheet music and change it to the tone Cartman played." "Come on." "There!" "That should do it." "Sweet." "I can't wait to see 'em crap their pants in front of everybody, you guys." "Okay, let's get back to the room." "What's this?" "Revised music for tomorrow?" "Chip, did you get revised music for tomorrow?" "What?" "Miss Ono has made revisions again." "We've got to get these copied four million times and make the revisions to the projected music." "Come on, hurry!" "Dad?" "I" " I'm just fast asleep, not hearing anything." "Oh!" "Whoa!" "Oh, Dad!" "Oh, goodness gracious!" "Don't stop, Dad, stop!" "Wow!" "How could you?" "Well, Mom, Dad, I guess I better be going." "The concert's gonna start soon." "Are you sure you can't stay one more night, son?" "No, I think all my work here is done." "Dad, I don't know what to say." "I feel closer to you than I ever have." "Well, I just hope thatnow we can put the past behind us and-and try to be a normal family again." "We sure can." "Well, I've got a worldwide telecast recorder concert to get to." "We'll be watching on TV." "Make us proud, son." "I will." "Good-bye, Mom." "Good-bye, Dad." "?" "Gray skies are gonna clear up?" "?" "Put on a happy face...?" "You did the right thing, Papa." "I didn't do squat." "Here you go, a hundred bucks." "Oh, that's okay, keep your money." "Thanks." "Live from Oklahoma City, four million third-grade students from all over the country, playing "My Country 'Tis of Thee"" "on their recorders." "Dude, I can't wait till those New Yorker kids play the brown noise and crap their pants." "We have to watch them." "We can't miss it." "Are we all ready to play?" "Thanks." "Okay, let's see the music." "This is gonna be sweet!" "Oh, no, dude, look!" "It's the music we changed." "Uh-oh." "Dude, if four million people play the brown noise at the same time..." "One, two, three..." "No!" "No!" "No!" "Stop, stop!" "Aren't those our boys?" "Oh, no!" "What are they doing?" "BOYS No!" "Tom, I'm standing in New York City, but it could just as well be any town on earth, right now." "The desolation, the damage is exactly the same in every city the whole world over." "It's been just under 20 hours since everyone on earth pooped their pants, and people still roam their damaged homes with disbelief and loss." "Rick?" "Alan, I'm standing at ground zero." "Here, the damage is greater than anywhere." "Like the rest of the world, everyone here has crapped their pants." "Some, crapped themselves to death." "And still others, ruined perfectly good pairs of pants." "A nation mourns and tries to rebuild, but the big question that remains is:" "How did this happen?" "Well, I'd say other than making everyone in the world crap their pants, our event went over really well." "Really rell?" "!" "Really rell?" "!" "You're gonna be..." "I tell you again." "All right, come on, everybody, we've got a long bus ride back to Colorado, okay." "Well, that whole experience sure did suck." "Yeah, but you know, I learned something today." "We were so worried about how cool we looked to those New Yorker kids that we forgot - we're already totally cool." "Even if we don't know what queef means." ""Queef" is a vaginal expulsion of gas, okay." "Huh?" "Here they are." "Yeah!" "Oh, brother, let's just get out of here." "Hey, not so fast." "We know it was you guys that changed the music and made everyone on earth crap their pants." "Uh..." "Yeah, we knows all about it." "Oh, no!" "Yeah, me and the guys, well, we was talkin', and well... well, we just want you to know that we think you're pretty cool." "Huh?" "You do?" "Sure." "I mean, everybody on earth sh - themselves 'cause of you, and that's pretty cool." "I mean, that's pretty amazing." "Yeah, we was wrong about you guys." "We're sorry." "Well, that's fine, that's fine." "Next time, just remember that we're all pretty cool on the west side, too, if you know what I'm saying." "Yeah, see you guys later." "Come on, boys, you're holdin' up the bus." "Oh, wow, look, it's Kenny G himself." "Thank you for a wonderful concert, Mr. G." "G- Good-bye." "Oh, well, thank you." "Y'know, it's funny, you kiss just like my dad." "Well, Miss Crabtree, this certainly has been a great trip." "Let's head home." "Which way should we go?" "Second star to the right and straight on till morning."