"Cyrano de Bergerac stands in the shadows whispering poetry to the lovely Roxanne, but she thinks it's the good-looking guy speaking to her." "So our poor, big-nosed lug wins the heart of the woman he loves, but he wins it for somebody else." "That is so sweet and so noble, that he would sacrifice his own happiness" " to help his friend." " Other opinions?" " (all) Loser!" " OK, define "loser."" "Big dip." "It makes no sense." "I mean, he likes this girl and then he passes her on to another guy." "Dip... the biggest." "Topanga, can you refute the "dip" theory?" "Cyrano performs a totally selfless act and he does it for the sake of love." " That is so romantic." " Why?" "What does he get out of it?" "He knocks himself out spewing poetry, his friend gets the girl..." "All he can do is go home and blow his big nose." "Rebuttal from the estrogen section." "Boys don't understand passion and romance, and will never understand women." "And that's why all of you will spend half your lives confused and the other half paying alimony." "This is interesting." "The women here find Cyrano compelling and romantic, and yet the men find him misguided and... dip like." " What does this tell us?" " Women like dips?" "Sorry, Matthews, no luck." "It tells us that men have a hard time understanding what women find romantic." "Will that be on the test?" "Oh, yeah, in ways you can not yet imagine." " Here we go." " Thanks, George." "If I'd hidden it anywhere in the house, she'd have found it for sure." "Always glad to be a good neighbor and help you stash your... whatever it is." "Trash compactor." " A trash compactor?" " Yeah." "For your anniversary?" "How surprising." "That's the whole idea." "I went all-out on this one." "This is top-of-the-line." "This is two tons of pressure." "You put coal in this baby, you get diamonds." " That might have been a better way to go." " What do you mean?" "Oh, nothing." "I'm certain that you got her exactly what she wanted." " She does want this, hm?" " Oh, yeah..." "She's been talking about having a compactor in the kitchen for years." "Well, happy anniversary." "And I hope you have others." "Amy, my bride!" "Dinner reservations in half an hour!" " So Dad, what's up?" " I'll give you a clue." "17 years ago today, something very important happened." " It's your anniversary, right?" " Correct." "Gifts." "Come on, don't leave us out in the cold, man." " We need our names on that card." " I suppose there's room for all on my love bus." "And your name is...?" " Give me this." " I'm ready for dinner." "That and more." "But... are you ready for this?" " Oh, what is that?" " Happy anniversary, my sweet." "Yes!" " Wow, a trash compactor." " Yes!" "Thank you." " We were just putting our names on the..." " Cory." ""To Amy-with love from Alan." Just Alan, nobody else." "See ya!" "Well... do you like it?" "Yes, it's... it's fine." " Let's go." " Amy, call me crazy, but this is exactly what you said you wanted." "Yes, Alan." "And a trash compactor would be a lovely gift on say... a Tuesday." "You said you wanted compactor." "I get compactor." "Why Oogh wrong?" "We don't want to be late for dinner." "Oogh not sleep in cave tonight." "Harley..." " What, no kiss?" " I'm not feeling real kissy, Gloria." "How come last night you keep me waiting for 20 minutes outside your house?" "How come you sit outside my house, honk your horn and don't come in?" "'Cause maybe I saw your father waiting' by the door" " and maybe I didn't wanna say hello." " That was my mother." "Then I definitely don't want to meet your father." "All my girlfriends, they have guys who come up to the door." "That's 'cause they don't have cars." "They got cars and they got manners, so there." "You got your finger in my face." "You call that manners?" "Hey, hey, hey..." "lovebirds..." "I don't like what I'm hearin'." "Where's the magic gone in this relationship?" " If I may venture to interject my..." " Oh, cork it, Joey!" "Inserting cork." "The next words you hear will not be mine." "Because I'm 100%, absolutely, zip." "Put white on my face right now and I'm a stinkin' mime." "Cork it, Joey." "What's the matter with you, Frankie?" "You have not said anything all day." "I'm just having some quiet time." "That's good." "Some people around here could learn from that." "I'm telling you, the macaroni and cheese had more grease than Harley's hair." "I think that's how they made it, they just turned him over and wrung him out." "(both) Ugh!" "And I thought it was gonna be a slow day." "What?" "You thought we were talking about your hair?" "No... no..." "Everyone knows your hair's not greasy." "Why don't you test it and tell me?" "Wow, dry as a bone." "Sorry, inner ear problem." "Here's a quarter, baboon." "Call your parents - say goodbye." "Uh, Harley, you know, in many countries, what I said about your hair, it might be considered a compliment." "For example, Greece." " That's funny." " Yeah, yeah, he's a pretty funny guy." " So I guess I get to live, huh?" " Ha!" "There's that humor again." "I will miss that." "Oh, Harley..." "Are you sure you gotta beat him up?" "Yeah, you don't wanna do something ugly to us in front of this beautiful... angel of the hallway." "Harley, why would you waste your time pounding us when you could be spending it with Claudia Schiffer's cuter sister?" "Oh, I don't know that I would say cuter." " Turn it off!" " Turning it off, sir." "Oh, come on, Harley, go easy on 'em." "Do it for me." "Very well, Gloria." "I will not lay a hand on them." "Frankie, remember that pi?" "ata I promised you for your birthday?" "Here's two." "Feliz Navidad." "Bye-bye." "Look, I've got an idea." "How about you give us a five-minute head start and then you hunt us down?" "That way it's more fun for you." "OK, the way I see it, you guys got two options." "One - you die." " I'll take number two." " Yeah, number two is looking good to me." "Number two is, you do me a favor." " Done." " Happy to." "You just name it." "I, Frankie Stecchino, am in love." "Where's this going?" "She's a goddess stepped down from heaven." "The most beautiful creature I have ever seen." "Her voice is like the tinkling of bells." "And her eyes also tinkle like bells." "Well, that's real sad and tender and..." "what do you want from us?" "Help me woo her." "What?" " Woo her." " What?" "I've watched you guys." "You're a good little talker." "And you..." "girls seem to have a thing for you." "I want you guys to coach me." "Frankie, I don't know if we're the guys to help you woo her." "What?" "Have you talked to Harley about this?" "I mean, he could probably help you out more than us." "So... you do not feel able to do me this favor?" " It's probably not such a great idea." " Yeah, you're probably right." "All right, pi?" "ata boys, which one of you has the prize inside?" "I don't wanna die before I know what woo is." "(clears throat)" " Hi." " Hello." "Well, I helped Morgan straighten up her room and..." "I cleaned out those gutters." "You know..." "Boy, you were right, they really needed it." "Ohh... ha..." "So, how you doin'?" "Oh, wow..." "I think I'll just take out this garbage." "I'll just get this garbage and..." "I'll... just... take it out." " Alan." " George." "That looks suspiciously like a fluffy, non-compacted bag of garbage." "Yeah, well, I haven't gotten around to installing the you know, the trash compactor." " Will you be?" " Not in this lifetime." "Ah..." "I'm aware that it was an appliance, but it's not like it was a toaster." "It's a very expensive appliance." "I would've never have gotten it for her hadn't it been a very special occasion." "Heck, it cost more than her engagement ring." "Not an argument I would recommend using." "You know what I'm saying." "Perfectly." "She asked for a trash compactor and you went out and got it." "Kind of a no-brainer." " No-brainer?" " Well, it was a real time-saver, wasn't it?" "I mean, you didn't have to sit around thinking about her." "Racking your brains about what she would like, what would make her feel good." "What were the things about her that you love." "Whoo..." "I missed that exit completely." "You think there's time to back up?" "On the husband highway, there's very little forward traffic." "Just a million well-intentioned men backing up frantically." "You've been down that highway before, huh, George?" "Yes, I have." "Before it was paved." " Hey, Cor." " Hi." "Shawn." "Aah!" "Eric, you know Frankie Stecchino." "Frankie, this is my brother Eric." "Sure, Eric, I stole your lunch everyday, ninth grade." "Don't tell me - tuna on white." " Wheat." " Right, right..." " Those were days, huh?" " Excuse me." "What's the enforcer doing in our house?" " We have it under control." " It's fine." ""Under control?" Frankie Stecchino sprinkles guys like you on his pizza." "Eric, please, everything's fine." "OK." "Just remember, no sudden movements, no shiny objects in front of his face." "OK?" " It was nice seeing you again, Frankie." " Nice to see you again, tuna." "Yeah." "OK, guys, teach me in the ways of love." "All right, Frankie." "This girl you like, you ever try to talk to her?" "Oh, I uh..." "I..." "I..." "I..." "You can not let her psych you, man." "You just gotta walk right up to her" " and tell her you like her, OK?" " Ohh..." "OK." " Let's pretend that this is her." " Mmm... could the pillow be her?" "Anything you want, big guy." "Ah, there she is." "Ooh... she looks very pretty today." " I'd better go." " Ah... come on." "Come on, tell her how nice she looks." "(whispers) I can't take my eyes off you." "I can't take my eyes off you." "Thank you, Frankie." "That's real nice." "(whispers) I just wanted to tell you how pretty that dress is." "I just wanted to tell you how pretty that dress is." "Oh, this old thing." "There you go, you can do this." "No, no, no..." "I could never do this by myself." "You guys have to come with me." "Frankie, I think she's gonna notice two guys hanging around you." "I mean, what are you gonna do, put us in your locker?" "Stay with me here." "Frankie, it's not like there's a back way out of here." "I know, I checked." "Frankie, you're talking to yourself." "Not really." "See, I uh..." "Mmm... oh..." " She sound familiar to you?" " Quiet!" "This is hard for me to say." "This is hard for me today." "Because I've watched you for so long." "And I've always dreamed of telling you how I feel about you." "Because I've watched you... so long." "And I've always dreamed of..." "something." " What are you saying?" " I love you!" " I love you." " You do?" "I've always loved you." "I think about you all the time." "If you were my girl, I would treat you like the magic princess that you are." "You know, your friend never talks to me like this." "Perhaps he is not racked with the love that consumes his entire being." " You wanna go get a burger?" " I would love to." "Shawn, I just figured out who that girl was." "Hey, she likes him." "We did it." "Oh, we did it all right." "We just fixed up Frankie with Harley Keiner's girlfriend." "That's not possible." "Ah!" "Ah!" "Oh, boy..." "Oh, boy..." "Oh, boy...!" " We're in such trouble here." " No, nobody saw us." "No witnesses." "And without witnesses, it's all just circumcised evidence." "Shawn, we just helped Frankie snake Harley's girlfriend." "I mean, we gave him love lessons, we hid in the locker, we told him what to say." "How is that not trouble?" "OK, let me think." "Uh, protective custody, plastic surgery..." "Ah!" "We dress up as girls, pretend we're our out-of-town cousins and say we haven't seen ourselves." " No, that'll never work." " Oh, yeah?" "Tell my Uncle Mary." "Harley!" "How are ya?" "Didn't I tell Frankie to dispose of you guys?" "Yes, and he did." "He killed us - big time." " And now we're the angels of ourselves." " And it's time for us to float away." "Float... float..." " Either of you angels see my girl?" " You mean Gloria?" "No, we haven't seen her." "No, there's no reason we could have seen her." "We were in the locker the whole time." "The whole time what, boys?" "Come on, Shawn..." "Float... float..." "You know, Frankie, it's OK you don't have a lot to say." "Still waters run deep." "I'm an ocean..." "an ocean of love for you." "No one ever said anything sweet like that to me before." "I cannot believe my eyes." "I am betrayed by my best girl and my most trusted flunky." "Maybe you just need some time alone." "My world is shattered." "I feel so... vulnerable." "Think I'm going to have to kill somebody." "OK, everybody outta here!" "Everybody except you two." "Us two, I guess, huh?" "Frankie..." "Hmm..." "Gloria..." "Imagine my surprise." " Harley, I can explain." " I look forward to hearing it." "I went behind your back and stole your girl." "I know this is a betrayal of a sacred trust, but I have no choice." "I am but a pawn of love." "How could you do this to me?" "You wanna know how?" "I'll tell you how." "All it took was somebody saying something nice to me for a change." "Making me feel special for a change." "I make you feel special." "I get you stuff." "What did you ever get me that made me feel special?" "Tires!" "Steel-belted." " Three!" " The guy came back!" " You never think about what I like." " I ain't got that kind of time." "Maybe you should've made some time." "Maybe if you cared about me and thought about me, instead of all the time thinking about you." "If I thought about you, who'd think about me, huh?" " Guys!" " What?" "!" "You know, every couple goes through this." "I mean, you're going through it," " my parents are going through it." " Your parents do this?" "Well, not quite as loud, but yeah." "See, my mom's mad at my dad because he got her a trash compactor for their anniversary." "What a yutz!" "Oh, yeah, that's a long way away from tires." "So your parents, they gonna split up?" "No." "I mean, they'll work it out." "They always do." "How?" "I don't know." "But they always do?" "Yeah." " Mrs. Matthews?" " Yes..." "I'm a school chum of your son." " Eric?" " No, the little squirrelly one." " Oh, Cory." " Yeah, that's him." "My name is Harley..." "Harley Keiner." "Oh, the Harley Keiner that everybody's afraid of?" "You flatter me." " What can I do for you?" " Yes, well, your son..." " Uh..." " Cory." " Cory." " Mm-hmm." "He indicated that you and your husband were having a spat similar to the one that I'm presently going through with my own better half." "Now, I would go to my own mother for advice, but, you see, it's four in the afternoon, so she's out cold." "Well, I don't see how I can really help you." "Please, ma'am, I got nobody else to go to." "No!" " Leave my mom alone, Keiner." " Eric, what is the matter with you?" " Do you know who this is, Mom?" " Yes, I do." "And everything is under control." " More tea, Harley?" " Just a smidge." " OK." " Hey there, Eric." "Harley Keiner's drinking tea in my kitchen." "What's going on?" "It's personal and I don't think Harley wants to talk about it in front of you." "Oh, he's getting in touch with his inner thug?" "Eric." "Mrs. Matthews, you've been married a few years, you probably have some insight." "What do women want?" "Oh, it's pretty simple, Harley." "All women really want, is to be appreciated." "Do you think that maybe Gloria feels a little unappreciated?" " Who knows what she thinks." " You should, you're her boyfriend." "Ah, jeez, Mrs. Matthews, I'm not so good with feelings and emotions and all that Ricki Lake stuff." "Feelings and emotions is what it's all about, Harley." "I'll bet you Gloria thinks a lot about you." "Well, who could blame her." "Then you should think about her." "How you feel about her, how much you appreciate her." "She's my girlfriend." "Isn't that enough?" "I mean, why does she need to be appreciated all the time?" "Because that's how you show people you care about them." "By thinking about what they want." "What would make them happy and..." "By the way, who..." "who are you?" "Just a fella who took a wrong turn on the highway of love." "Been there." "So, Harley, you gonna talk to Gloria again?" "No." "You were correct when you said I should think about what she wants." "And what she wants now is Frankie." "This is how it is to be." "I shall have to wait my turn and another chance for love." "Thanks, Mrs. M." " You're a lucky guy." " Yeah, I know that." "But really, who are you?" " Harley Keiner." " Oh, thank you." " Listen, take me." "Just don't kill them." " It's OK, baboon." "Death takes a holiday." "Well, nice meeting you, Harley." "Oh, uh... the... teacup." "Good eyes." " What was he doing here?" " He had a girlfriend problem." "He didn't appreciate her enough." "Something that happens to you young guys, but not us seasoned veterans." "We know never to take the people we care about for granted." "We like to show them that every day together is a gift." "Happy anniversary, darling." "18 pearls." "One for every year we're married." "That is so sweet." "But we've only been married 17 years." "One for the year we weren't married." "Oh, yeah, that was a good year." "Wait, what does that mean?" "Guys, what does that mean?" "Aw, get a room." "Hey, Matthews, I was just grading the Cyrano papers and I liked your work." "Well, that's not surprising, since I am Cyrano." " Uh-huh." " No, I'm serious." " See them?" " Yeah." "I did the whole Cyrano bit." "I put them together." "Wait, you're saying you were in love with her, but you stepped aside for the other guy?" "No, no..." "I just hid in a locker and helped Frankie woo her." " What?" " Woo her." "Oh, well, job well done, Matthews." "So, you think maybe there's some extra credit in this for me?" "No, but tell me what you learned." "All right." "Love is something you can never take for granted." "So if you find someone you really, really care about, never buy her tires or major appliances." "Matthews, a very mature understanding on the mystery of love." "You are wise beyond your years." "Cory, you gotta come quick." "The girls volleyball team is running laps." "Oh, baby!"