"MORTDECAI:" "As you may well know, I am many things." "An arts dealer, an accomplished fencer, fair shot with most weapons." "I am loved and respected by all who know me..." "Slightly." "But I have always felt there's something missing, you see." "Some final piece of my personal puzzle." "I needed something bold, distinctive." "Ah, thank you." "The work of art with which" "I could declare to the heavens," "I am Lord Charlie Mortdecai, and this little bit of magic is my mustache." "I see." "Shall we to business then, Fang?" "Would you mind?" ""Find," you said." "Mmm, and find, I have done." "The Qianlong vase." "Very, very rare." "Low-fired with an immersion glaze?" "None of the southern" "Yangtze ceramics are low-fired." "But you know that." "You're testing me." "(GROANS)" "I'm so terribly sorry." "Mosquito." "You see it?" "(MORTDECAI CHUCKLES)" "Why don't you test the vase instead?" "I am sure that you will agree it is a bargain at two million pounds." "Everyone knows you're broke." "You will take one million." "Ooh." "Golly, that was a big one!" "(CHUCKLES)" "Well, have it your way, Fang." "One million pounds." "I trust that you have, um, brought the treasuries?" "I think I'll keep the money." "And the vase." "(MUMBLES)" "You cheated me in our last deal." "(STAMMERING)" "I paid three million for that tapestry, then found out it is worth only one!" "(GRUNTS)" "(CHUCKLES)" "You took from me." "Now I will take from you." "Now, you look here, Fang!" "Fat." "Fang Fat." "I'm an art dealer, not a charlatan." "A rogue, perhaps, a scamp or scoundrel, I will grant you." "But never an outright mountebank." "Enough!" "You owe me." "I believe a finger would be fair." "Don't you?" "No!" "Oh!" "Jock!" "I wouldn't, mate." "I really wouldn't." "(MORTDECAI YELPS)" "Jockie, thank heavens!" "Where have you been, man?" "Right behind you as always, sir." "(PEOPLE SCREAMING)" "(SCREAMING)" "Ahh!" "(GRUNTING)" "MORTDECAI:" "Jock!" "(GRUNTING)" "Well done, Jockie." "It's a privilege, sir!" "(SCREAMING CONTINUES)" "(SCREAMS)" "Jock, you're ablaze!" "(GRUNTING)" "Well, I think our work here is done." " Time to go, sir." " Ah." "(SIRENS WAILING)" "MORTDECAI:" "Jock laid out the state of our financial affairs." "Basically, they involved debt." "Massive, crushing debt." "We hurried back to Mortdecai Manor, where my beloved wife, Johanna, having heard of our financial distress, was arriving home to sell off some of my prized possessions." "Even my horsey picture was on the block." "But I was hopeful my new moustache would cheer her up." "JOHANNA:" "Darling!" "Oh, God, I missed you terribly." "MORTDECAI:" "Johanna." "Love of my life." "Apple of my eye." "I so wish you had been there." "(SIGHS)" "Can you imagine the two of us in that frigid city, only our passions keeping us..." "Whoa!" "(LAUGHING) What is that?" "Just a little something I cooked up whilst you were away, my darling." "I do believe it was Maggie Thatcher who said that kissing a man without a moustache is rather like eating an egg without salt." "Oh, don't point that thing at me." "Told ya." "I have put no inconsiderable thought and effort into this endeavor." "You see, the domain of a man's upper lip is his sovereign ground..." "You have five minutes to shave it off." "Every Mortdecai man before me had the same." "Why can't I?" "Oh, I happen to be terribly fond of it, and I have had every intention of seeing it through." "You mean it's going to get bigger?" "It will come to fruition, yes." "(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh, darling..." "MORTDECAI:" "Mmm." "You really won't shave it off?" "Oh..." "I can't, my duck." "Not at this juncture." "It's not even fully corked." "It's a baby." " Jock?" " Yes, madam?" "Please, will you make up the guest bedroom for Mr. Mortdecai?" "Already have, madam." "And I shan't be having dinner downstairs this evening." "I'll just have a supper tray in my room." "Very good, madam." "JOHANNA:" "Oh..." "I do believe Jock has informed you that we are staring down the barrel of insolvency." "What do you plan to do about it?" "Right." "Yes, well..." "That..." "Well..." "Quite." "First thing we're doing is selling off that Sheridan." "(MOANS)" "Oh, my sweet little love beast," "I am sure that we will come up with the necessary funds by the end of the month." "What is today, the fifth!" "The 26th, sir." "All right." "That gives us six..." "Four days, sir." "Jock?" "Please can you take the Sheridan up to London in the morning?" "I'm entering it in the Autumn Masters Auction." "Right you are, madam." "Come, come." "Let's not be rash." "JOHANNA:" "Oh, hello, Poppet." "We cannot go about selling off family heirlooms willy-nilly." "I'm afraid I shall have to put my foot down, darling." "Sorry?" "With your permission, of course." "(SIGHS)" "Bugger it." "Oh, there he is." "Mmm." "She'll come around, Jock." "How could she not?" "She's only human, sir." "MORTDECAI:" "A quick aside about Jock." "In addition to being my manservant and thug, he also maintains an enviable rate of sexual intercourse," "which can be occasionally problematic." "Recently, after we'd concluded the sale of a painting to a wealthy turkey farmer... (GUNSHOT)" "What was that?" "Get your head down, sir." "What have you done now, man?" "Ohh!" "Onward, Jock!" "Onward!" "Don't shoot, farmer!" "Dad!" "What the hell are you doing?" "Jock!" "Jock, wait!" "Jock!" "I have me own apartment!" "Crikey, man!" "The farmer's daughter?" "I only gave her the once-over." "Where do you find the time?" "Sorry, twice-over." "MORTDECAI:" "Dear, sweet, simple Jock." "Every man should have a Jock, don't you think?" "Meanwhile, not far away, our fortunes were about to become intertwined with one of the art world's greatest mysteries." "And a dead hag." "(ARROW HISSING)" "(GASPS)" "Bull's-eye." "GARDENER:" "Miss Bronwen?" "Everything all right?" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "Get back behind the tape!" "Excuse me." "This is a crime scene." "Hello?" "Who is this guy?" "You and your men have done an admirable job stomping all over the place." "Your services are no longer required." "Sorry, Inspector Martland, sir." "Sorry, sir." "I had no idea, sir." "(CAMERA CLICKING)" "Can I have all Thames Valley police officers back in their cars, please?" "There's been a jurisdictional change." "That painting could be anywhere by now, sir." "Yes, I suppose it could." "You know we're going to have to ring him, don't you, sir?" "No, I do not know that, Maurice." "No one knows the filthy underside of the art world better than he, sir." "He is the filthy underside." "(SIGHS)" "Why did it have to be art?" "MORTDECAI:" "Inspector Alastair Martland." "Ml5." "Martland and I met at Oxford." "Once in a while I provide him with some off-the-record help with the seedier side of art collecting." "And in exchange, he gives me a wide berth to ply my craft." "He is also desperately in love with my wife." "Rather annoying, really." "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" "What?" "Inspector Martland, sir." "What does that blighter want?" "Tell him to ring back when my marriage isn't falling apart." "No, he's here, sir." "He is?" "Oh, all right." "Wheel him in." "(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)" "Don't get up." "I wasn't going to." "Beware the carafe on the top shelf." "It contains water." "Ignoring some of the more inviting bottles on the drinks tray, he reached underneath for the big decanter, and poured himself a gross amount of what he thought was my Taylor '31." "Score one for Mortdecai, for I had filled it with an invalid port of unbelievable nastiness." "Oh, excellent." "Score two." "MARTLAND:" "Bit of cheese to go with that?" "I should think the special one, Jock." "What is that infernal thing on your lip?" "Is there a purpose to your presence?" "You're in the hole to Her Majesty's government to the tune of eight million quid, old boy." "I had no idea I was so deep in Her Majesty's hole." "(JOCK GRUNTING)" "God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God... (EXHALING SHARPLY)" "(WHIMPERING)" "(EXHALES)" "That's not natural." "What do you think?" "Ugh..." "I think this woman has need of a chiropractor." "Bronwen Fellworthy, Oxford art restorer." "Did you know her?" "Slightly." "I do recall a vague memory of her having once, involuntarily, one would hope," "releasing a fart of such frightening power and timbre that I feared she had done herself a horrible mischief." "Cheese." "MARTLAND:" "Mmm, thank you." "Three months ago, a small Spanish museum sent her a Goya to be cleaned." "Last night she was killed." "Painting has disappeared." "Sad news, particularly for her." "But I don't see what it has to do with me." "Well, if my men start asking questions, then the Goya disappears without a trace." "But you, a known trafficker of stolen art, well, you could make some inquiries." "Why would MI5 be interested in the theft of a middling Goya?" "Mmm." "(GROANS)" "Emil Strago." "Fundamentalist, revolutionary, trained in Syria, fought in Senegal." "An expert in special warfare." "He's linked to a number of terror attacks all around the world." "All right, he's unpleasant." "What of him?" "Well, we believe he entered the country with the purpose of finding that painting." " Why?" " We don't know why." "But if Strago is involved, well, suffice it to say, it's a matter of urgent national security." "And you would like me to find it before he does?" "Precisely." "I've given you a lot of rope over the years, Charlie." "But now you're dangling off the end of it." "Help me find that painting, or I'll have the magistrate open that file and prosecute at random." "MORTDECAI:" "It was a catalogue of some of my more unseemly escapades." "The file was fat and well-handled, like a Welsh barmaid." "It is apparent that you are well-versed in the stick." "But what of the well-known carrot?" "(SOFTLY) What's in it for me, as they say?" "Good God, man!" "We're talking about a bloodthirsty extremist threatening the lives of your countrymen." "Well, if you won't do it for me, do it for Queen and Country." " No!" " (JOCK CLEARS THROAT)" "All right, Queen and Country, travel and living expenses, reasonable overhead." "Ten percent, sir." "And 10 percent of the insurance money as a finder's fee." "Done." "Oh, and incidentally, I asked for some cheese, not an instrument of biological warfare." "MORTDECAI:" "Score one for Martland." " Martland..." " God." "...what else can you tell me about Strago?" "Well, he's colorblind and he's allergic to cashews." "Goody." "Every subject of the Crown and every cashew in the Kingdom shall sleep safely." "Johanna, you look lovely." "Alastair." "Ooh, you do look lovely, darling." "So absolutely lovely." "I thought that was you." "Radiant..." "MORTDECAI:" "Martland also met Johanna at school." "After a three-year courtship, he finally worked up the courage to express his feelings to her." "In verse." " Johanna, do you..." " Oh!" "MORTDECAI:" "Rotten timing for him." " Hello!" "(CHUCKLES)" " Martland." "Would you mind terribly, dear boy, the door?" "Course, I'll just, uh..." "I'll shut the door." "Now, what's all this about a missing Goya?" "Oh, it's the house." "Terribly vast." "Echo-ey, don't you know?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Well, that's classified information, I'm afraid." "You know, state secrets and what have you." "Mmm." "My husband is trying to reclaim his youth by growing that horrible moustache." "Do inform him that that ship has sailed." "Every Mortdecai man before me has had one." "And I will have you know that some members of the fairer sex do find it quite appealing." "Whom exactly?" "(SCOFFS)" "No one in particular, of course." "Metaphoric woman..." "Women." "Metaphorically..." "General..." "You know." "If you are growing that excrement on your lip to please another, know this:" "I will kill her." "Oh, Alastair." "It's so lovely." "Do come back." "It's so wonderful to have someone of reasonable intelligence to converse with." "I'd be delighted." "Do I detect a slight crack in the marital armor?" "A mere tiff, old bean." "Nothing more." "Oh, really?" "Seems like more than a tiff to me." "My wife needs to come around to a certain viewpoint." "That is all." "Well, good luck, mate." "See what you can dig up about that Goya." "Usual channels." "We'll meet in London tomorrow." "Of course." "EMIL:" "I had the painting in my hand." "Someone must have known I was coming." "Milton Krampf?" "The American?" "Well, it must have been his dealer." "(SIREN WAILING IN THE DISTANCE)" "Krampf's dealer, what is his name?" "Mortdecai." "(GRUNTS)" "MORTDECAI:" "Johanna, my darling." "My..." "My love." "My..." "My only true love." "My love beast." "My rumpus room rascal. (INHALES)" "Ooh, you have no idea the beast you are about to receive." "Mmm..." "Johanna?" "Are you all right in there, darling?" "It is I, Charlie." "Your husband." "What is it?" "Oh, moon of my delight." "This is your own personalized" "Sheik of Araby who seeks admission into your tent." "I have come to carry you off to the burning desert, and work my greasy will upon you... (SQUEAKING) ...under the tropical stars." "Send your camel to bed, damn it!" "(SIGHS)" "My Sheik, does this mean you have excommunicated that moustache of the Prophet?" "I'll trim it." "(SIGHS)" "Darling," "I am embarking on a very dangerous escapade from which I may not well return." "And it is customary in these situations for, you know," "a proper send-off." "Quick session of congress." "Sink the Bismarck, if you will." "And by the way, did I mention it is a matter of national security." "Mmm." "It's very difficult for me as well, you know, this thing that's come between us." "I know, darling." " Mmm." " No, no." "Steady yourself." "(BOTH GAGGING)" "I beg you, darling, please." "You know I have a sympathetic gag reflex." "Oh, God. (SWALLOWS) It's unbearable." "You will get used to it." "I promise." "Why should I have to?" "I'm invested in it." "Why can't you invest in saving us from financial ruin?" "Or do you want me to sort it out for you?" "Heavens, no." "You needn't worry yourself." "I have things firmly in hand." "Oh... (BOTH GAGGING)" "(JOHANNA GROANS)" "(BREATHING HEAVILY)" "My love, you are killing me." "Please." "It looked like you have a vagina on your face." "(SIGHS)" "(INHALES DEEPLY)" "Surely you mean the pubic hair above a vagina." "I simply cannot get my head around that image." "Oh, Charlie..." "However, now that you've mentioned it," "I'm unable to steer my mind away from it." "Ugh, go stuff a mattress with that thing!" "The moustache, I mean." "COMMENTATOR 1: ..." "Sheamus is able to do with a steel chair in hand." "COMMENTATOR 2:" "Here we go." " (WINCES)" " Oh..." "Jockie, what if it isn't just a tiff?" "What if this is the well-known "it," as it were?" "That'd be awful." "WOMAN:" "Jock?" "Are you coming back to bed?" "Yeah, give us a minute, love." "Hi." "Hello." "And myself sleeping alone." "How do you think this makes me feel, man?" "I dunno, sir." "Dash it all, I am resolved." "If it is money we need, then it is money we shall have." "WOMAN:" "Jock?" "That's me." "Tomorrow we shall sell off the Rolls to that vulgar American, Milton Krampf, and we will find that painting if it is the last thing we do." "Right-y-oh." "I'll call Spinoza in the morning." " Yes, do." " Good night, sir." "Jock?" "Yes, sir?" "Do you think it will be all right in the end?" "I couldn't say, sir." "Mmm... (GAGGING)" "MORTDECAI:" "My first stop was to see Sir Graham Archer, rival art dealer and Goya specialist." "A permanent fixture at" "Sedgwick's Auction House in Kensington." "I will meet you at Spinoza's in one hour." "Right you are, sir." "MORTDECAI:" "Sir Graham has been the rudest man in England for years." "Recently, he's been working his way up to the wickedest." "(YELPS)" "(LAUGHS)" "Looks like something curled up and died on your lip." "It's not herpetic, I hope." "Hello, Sir Graham, you old member." "Ooh!" "Who are you hiding in your belly?" "I see you've put your Sheridan up in next week's sale." "Hard times, old boy?" "No, no, no, no." "Just getting rid of some choice items while the market's right." "What do you make of this Bronwen business, eh?" "Huh." "Ghastly affair." "One always bemoans the loss of a great restorer." "Old bag." "She should have put locks on her doors." "You used her frequently, didn't you?" "Not lately." "She's been unavailable for three months." "The Goya she was cleaning." "Rather simple job, wouldn't you say?" "Usual dirt and grime one finds on the Spaniards." "Haven't the foggiest why it took her so long." "What's your sudden interest, if I may ask?" "A client with a mild curiosity, that's all." "Oh." "Mmm..." "We must go shooting again." "Jock has fully recovered." "Ooh." "There's only one reason you might be interested in a museum-owned Goya, and that's because there's money involved." "You are mistaken, sir." "There's a great deal of money involved." "(LAUGHING)" "I've always admired your rapacity, sir." "I say, Sir Graham, I wonder, your, mmm, protrusion..." "Might it be possible to swing the old fellow north, as it were?" "(INHALES SHARPLY)" "Who's the client?" "Terribly sorry, sworn to secrecy." "(EXHALES)" "Perhaps a brisk walk down the stairs will do some good." "Yes." "So it's that sort of Goya." "ON PHONE:" "Romanov." "(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)" "That painted lady you've been searching for," "I believe she may be in play." "I want that painting." "MARTLAND:" "Johanna!" "Alastair." "So glad you called." "I've asked for a Chardonnay." "That is your drink, isn't it?" " Oh, you remembered." " Mmm." "Thank you. (CLEARS THROAT)" "Oh, God." "How thoughtless of me." "You're on duty." "And in charge, thank you very much." "Mmm." "To what do I owe the pleasure?" "I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd pop 'round, and see how you secret agent men run the world." "(CHUCKLES) Not nearly." "Although it is terribly vital work." "It's not all chardonnay and afternoon trysts." "Is this a tryst?" "No, no." "No, no, no, no, no." "(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)" "No, no, no, no." "No, no, no, no." "No, no, no." " No, I was just, um..." " Of course you were." "How are things at home?" "(INHALES)" "You've touched a nerve." "You've sensed it, Alastair." "You always were the sensitive one." " You've got a difficult chap." " Beastly." "Bit of a moron, actually." "Maybe I should have an affair." "(CHUCKLES)" " Wouldn't that be funny?" " Hilarious." "Do you think I could keep it a secret?" " Yes!" " Well then, what's the point?" "Now, tell me, what are you and my husband working on at the moment?" "Oh, uh..." "Well, in vague terms there's a very bad man who wants what I want, and I'm trying to stop him." "And what does a missing Goya have to do with national security?" "In vague terms." " Johanna..." " (GASPS)" "You think poor Miss Fellworthy stumbled into something, and that's why she got killed." "I really can't say." "Oh, this is interesting." "Creates quite a market when a painting with a little mystery goes missing." "So much to do." "What was the name of Bronwen's college at Oxford?" "Johanna, I simply can't." "Right." "Sorry." "Oh, golly." "Look at the time." "I really must be going." "Oh." "It was lovely to see you, Alastair." "Thank you ever-so-much for letting me confide in you." "I feel that I could share anything with you." "Don't you feel the same?" "That you could share with me?" "Bronwen's college?" "You're rather monstrous." "Of course you're aware of that." " Blackfriar's Hall." " We must do this again." "(SIGHS)" "Hopeless." "MORTDECAI:" "Besides being the finest garage man in Western Civilization," "Spinoza was the best art smuggler in the business, and the eyes and ears of the art world's underbelly." "Ah!" "Hello, Spinoza, you handsome devil!" "It's a fine day to be alive, what?" "You bloody chicken, bloody monkey, so good-for-nothing pot of piss, innit?" "Spinoza, you silver-tongued scallywag." "What's the matter with you, eh?" "You one book short of a library, you maggot?" "Eh?" "You one megabyte short of a RAM?" "MORTDECAI:" "The rest was a bit rude, so I won't quote him verbatim." "But what vexed him so was a matter of some overdue bills on the Rolls, which I had now asked him to package and ship off to America on credit." "You mother-loving bastard!" "Hello." "Right." "Uh, Spinoza, I did not come here to discuss my relationship with my mother, uh, nor my relationship to your mother." "Uh, no." "We have two items of business." "Item one:" "The Rolls-Royce, which I have reluctantly agreed to sell to that thick-fingered American, Krampf." "Item the second:" "I need to ascertain whether any unsavory types have enlisted you to smuggle a painting out of the country recently." "And for your information, I am holding up a 50-pound note." "Never mind about that." "You should treat a jam jar car like this with more respect when you drive it down the frog and toad road." "It's not some Toyota Clitoris." " No, no." " No!" "Is a Rolls..." "The bloody Silver, the whacking Cloud, the bollock Royce!" "Someone shooting at the bloody car!" " Ooh." " (GROANS)" " (SCREAMS)" " Someone shooting at me!" "(GUNFIRE)" "(GROANS)" "(MORTDECAI EXCLAIMS)" "MORTDECAI:" "I'm armed!" "(MAN GROANS)" " Oh, Jock!" " Yeah." "Oops." "I should probably mention that this was not the first time I had shot Jock." "Come on, you little bastards." "Come out and get it." " (SCREAMS) - (GUNSHOTS)" "Oh!" "(SQUAWKING)" "Oh, afraid I'm all thumbs with these damn things!" " Ohh!" " (THUDS)" "Oh." "I believe I've just shot Jock." "Quite." "Man down!" "Man down!" "Could you give me the gun, please?" "This bit?" " Yes, most..." "No, no." " (GRUNTS)" "Oh, and poor Spinoza..." "You should go, sir, before the shooter circles 'round." "I'll handle things on this end." "Quite." "Cover me, as it were?" "Yes, sir." "That's the old feudal spirit, Jock." "Get in." " (GUNFIRE)" " MORTDECAI:" "Oh, dear!" "(SCREAMS) Oh!" "(SIGHS)" "Oh, Jock." " Jock?" " Yeah?" "The door?" "Please?" "(SIGHS) Right." "Gosh, it's been ages." "(ENGINE STARTS)" "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "(SCREAMING)" "(GRUMBLING IN ANNOYANCE)" "(JOCK MOANING)" "Goodness, that's awkward." "It's all right, sir." "It's all right." "It's just a cracked rib." "Please, sir, if you wouldn't mind leaving out the back." "On foot." "(STAMMERING) By myself?" "Please, sir." "Just leave." "(CONTINUES GRUMBLING)" "(GUN CLICKING)" "Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear..." "Oh!" "Give me the painting." "(STAMMERING) What makes you think I have it?" "Give me the painting!" "Ooh..." "That is a superb Hulihee sans sideburn," "I must say." "I was admiring your Franz Joseph." "Oh, thank you very much." " Oh!" " I'll have it on my wall." "Jock?" "(GROANS)" "(BRAKES SCREECHING)" " Oh, well done." " (TIRES SCREECHING)" "What should I do now?" " Run, sir!" " Again?" " Yes!" " Oh..." "Run, I shall, like a bloody gazelle!" "The Mortdecai men have always been in tip-top shape, don't you know?" "Fit as a fiddle!" "(YELLING)" "(SCREAMING)" "(PANTING) Oh, it's burning..." "I..." "I can't go on..." "(GROANING)" "Want to die..." "No, I don't." "(SCREAMING)" "Sir!" "I'm on the bonnet!" "Get in the car, sir!" "(GRUNTING)" "I don't like it!" "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "(SCREAMING)" "Oh!" "Ah!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Hello!" "(GROANING)" "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "Jockie!" "Advise?" " Get in the back seat, sir!" " Okay!" "Whoa." "Ha!" "Foreigner!" "(YELPS) No!" "Out you go!" "(HORN HONKING)" "(BOTH GROANING)" " Oh, Jock!" " Oh." "Don't worry, sir." "I'm all right." "I am all right." "No, no, man!" "My little sproutling." " What?" " Has it been compromised?" "(SIREN WAILS)" "MORTDECAI:" "Well done, Jock." "JOCK:" "It's a privilege, sir." "Didn't take long for you to make a mess of things." "Oh, you listen here, you do-gooder!" "Your Emil Strago just killed my garage man and physically assaulted my person." "He seems to think that I have the painting." "What have you found?" "Well, I will tell you that there is more here than meets the eye." "No painting takes three months to clean, so I believe that Bronwen was working on the Goya and discovered something underneath." "(SIRENS WAILING)" "I should like to see her studio immediately." "In the cars, quickly." "Maurice, Oxford." "Yes, sir." "GARDENER:" "I've been helpin' out Miss Fellworthy goin' on five years now." "Just keepin' the place tidy and whatnot." "You have been grossly overcompensated." "Her lover was no help." "Lover?" "Bronwen?" "Yeah, a Duke." "No help whatsoever, randy bugger." ""Love... your..." "Bunny."" "Love your Bunny?" "(EXCLAIMS)" "A child!" "She spawned a child!" "The woman bred!" "What an odious thought." "Ugh." " Mmm." " Don't imbibe the crime scene." "I found her here, sprawled over the table, with an arrow out of her back." "Course you did, man, because the assailant fired from here." " No, from the window." " With a spear gun." " With a crossbow." " He was left-handed." " Jesus Christ." " Ha!" " Is this how she was found?" " (GROANS)" " What are you doing?" " Oh, no." "To the left a bit." " Like this?" " Sorry, I meant to the right." " Like this?" "Like this?" " (GROANS)" "Are you quite finished buggering around?" " No." " (MAURICE WHIMPERS)" "Because I have a question for you, old bean." "Will I be given a badge, nestled in some sort of cheap, leather encasement, just like on telly?" " Maurice?" " Sir?" "Show him the photographs." "Excuse me." "These were found in her camera." "Yeah, like I told the lady earlier today," "Miss Bronwen would take photos of each stage of her work, bless her." "Which lady?" "Well, the lady with the hair and brain." "I may have (CLEARS THROAT) mentioned Bronwen to Johanna at lunch today." "You were luncheoning with my wife?" " Let's look at the photographs." " Yes, let's look at the photographs." "Horrible composition." "Lighting positively medieval." "This one taken by accident, utterly useless..." "Ooh..." "Hang on a tic." "That is not your Goya." "What do you mean?" "That is not the same painting as the others." "Where have I seen that hand before in the background?" "Finger pointing down." "Ring." "(GASPS) Good Lord!" "It couldn't be!" "Couldn't be what?" "To the library, chaps!" "Ah!" "There has never been an accurate reproduction because it vanished after the unveiling, but" "I do remember that there was an etching or some such hint of..." "Ah, there it is." "The Duchess of Wellington." "Bronwen has found the lost Goya." "Goya was commissioned by Charles IV of Spain to paint her in 1792." "Uh, she was said to be his greatest masterpiece." "Unfortunately, she was also said to have been the King's mistress." "The Queen was unamused." "Humiliated, she ordered the painting to be burned." "But instead it was stolen and secreted away." "(HORSE NEIGHING)" "Some say that Goya himself engineered the theft." "For 200 years, the painting was sought by collectors, craved by the mighty, and became the stuff of legend." "And is the legend true?" "Does it matter?" "The truth is nice, but a rumor is priceless." "What does Strago want with it?" "If it does exist, it belongs to Spain." "If anyone tried to sell it, they'd be arrested on the spot." "Yes, well, that is where the story gets interesting, you see." "The Duchess pops up again in France in 1943, looted from some sealed room in an unpronounceable chateau by the jerrys." "Hermann Goering was said to have been obsessed with the painting, and there are rumors that he inscribed on it the codes to his numbered Swiss bank account." "Untold riches and all that, what?" "But when the allies captured Goering..." "Out of the way, out of the way." "...there was no mention of the painting." "It had vanished once again into history, and the secret bank accounts along with it." "What are we talking about here?" "Hundreds and hundreds of millions, surrounded by all that" "Gruyere, chocolate, and fine wines." "Well, that's what Emil's after." "The fine wine?" "No, the fortune to fund violent worldwide revolution." "Right!" "Multiple attacks over the years to come, countless lives are at stake." "That painting should be destroyed." "Yeah." "Fingers crossed, chaps, you find it first." "I'm off for a wee." "Ah..." " (UNZIPS)" " Mmm... (HUMMING)" "Mmm... (URINATING)" "(EXHALES)" "(SIGHS)" "(CHUCKLES)" "I'm deeply, deeply flattered, young man." "However, I myself do not swing that..." "Oh, Golly!" "I have read about this." "Ohh." "I sunk into an uneasy slumber, interspersed curiously with erotic dreams." "Lady Mortdecai, the Duke is expecting you." "This way." "(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV)" "Her Lady Mortdecai to see you, Your Grace." "The Duke of Asherboroughdon." "Your Grace." "So kind of you to see me." "Lady Mortdecai." "(LAUGHING)" "You'll forgive me just a moment, I'm sure?" " Of course." " (LAUGHING)" "Lady Mortdecai." "Johnson!" "Who is this woman Mortdecai and what does she want?" "Hmm?" "Well, I don't know." "I don't know." "Why wasn't I told?" "She's so damned attractive." "(STAMMERING) Hello?" "Hello?" "Oh..." "Water bailiff." "Had to speak to the water bailiff about my water." "Fishing tomorrow, you know." "Hate it." "Sit." "Bloody nuisance." "(GRUNTS)" "Your Grace," "I understand you were close with Bronwen Fellworthy." " Yes." " I'm very sorry." "(SCOFFS)" "Her gardener gave me your name, and I wondered..." "The painting she was working on in the end... (PHONE RINGING)" "What?" "No, I can't understand a word she says." "I've been trying to get rid of her, but she's so damned attractive." "Sorry." "You were saying?" "You served in the War then, Your Grace?" "Poor old gal." "Done to death with malice aforethought and so forth." "Poor Bronwen." "The painting, Your Grace." "Did she ever mention The Duchess of Wellington?" "Oh." "Beautiful woman." "Bronwen?" "Must to the lavatory." "Would you care to come and take a peek at it, eh?" "(CLICKS TONGUE)" "An exquisite invitation, Your Grace, but I'm afraid I must decline." "Let's get back to the Duchess." " Bunny has it." " I beg your pardon?" "During the War." "Nazi bastards." "Bunny rolled it up in a carpet and didn't tell a soul." "Bunny is a soldier in your unit?" "7th Army, 2nd Division." "Captured Goering." "First man in the room." "Do you think that Bunny still has the painting now?" "Must to the W.C." "Do have a look, eh?" "(CLICKS TONGUE)" "I'm afraid I must be going, Your Grace." "Thank you very much for your time." "And you are?" "The water bailiff, Your Grace." "Fishing tomorrow's been canceled." "Thank heaven." "(SNORING)" "(MUMBLING)" "Oh..." "What's that?" "Funny." "Ah!" "Hmm?" "Oh..." "Mmm?" "Ah..." "Oh!" "Right." "I demand some explanations." "No, no." "Change that." "I need a restorative." "How 'bout some finger sandwiches?" "Just the usual, you know." "Egg cress, prawn mayonnaise, possibly a gallon of your finest whiskey just to start the day properly." "You know how it is, gentlemen." "Oh, I see." "Actually, make that caviar." "Some warmed blinis, creme fraiche, boiled egg whites, and vodka so ice cold you need gloves to handle it." "Oh!" "Oh!" "And don't forget the herringbone spoon." "We're not savages, after all, are we?" "Ooh!" "Welcome to Russia, Mr. Mortdecai." "MORTDECAI:" "And you are?" "Roman Romanov." "Romanov." "Sir Graham's client." "So I have him to thank for this." "Oh, that's unpleasant." "Mmm..." "Where's the Goya?" " I don't know." " But you know about art." "A bit." "You have a Turner of the Loire, which cannot be right because the original is hanging in the D'Orsay." "Terribly sorry." "A magnificent Callow of about 1840, a polychrome James Bourne, rare, a pair of rather flashy Varleys from his last period, and the finest Edridge I have ever seen." "(CHUCKLES) Yes." "Where is the Goya?" "Well, where is the last place you saw it?" "Have you looked under your couch?" "Yeah, because when I've lost something, sometimes I say to myself, "Charlie, where could it be?"" "Oh, God!" "That wasn't nice!" "Oh, no!" "No." "For 17 years," "I pursued this painting." "You know why?" "Because I want, I will have." "This will be easier and much less painful if you please to tell me." "Where is the painting?" "But why does everyone seem to think... (SCREAMING)" "(BREATHING HEAVILY)" "Oh!" "You pretended to be gentle, but you weren't!" "Oh!" "Milton Krampf tells everyone he is getting painting." "You're his dealer, so you have painting!" "I am very sorry." "I simply don't know." "Dmitri, please to fetch 12-volt high-tension car battery." "I am afraid you are barking up the wrong Englishman, comrade." "Vladimir, please to take Mr. Mortdecai's trousers down." "(YELPS)" "Perhaps we can work something out." "What if I find it for you?" "Say, 30% finder's fee, what?" "Open your balls." "I shan't!" "What does that even mean?" "I'll go to 20%." "Balls." "(WHIMPERING) 10% seems exploitive!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "(UNZIPS)" "That's not cricket!" "(GRUNTING)" "(RUSSIAN MUSIC PLAYING)" "Oh, Jock... (MORTDECAI MUMBLING)" "(LAUGHING)" "Jump!" "Oh, dear, sweet, resourceful Jock." "It's my manservant." "It appears he's requesting my immediate self-defenestration." "(RUSSIAN MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)" "(GASPS)" "Balls!" "Forgive me, Vladimir." "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "No balls." "(GROANS)" "(GROANING)" "Thank you so much, Vladimir." "Oh, I see... (GRUNTING)" "Hello!" "I'm outside." "Come on, sir." "I wish to use your telephone!" "Head toward the bike." "Oh, I love motorcycles." "They're very fast." " Sir?" "Sir?" " Mmm?" "What, Jock?" "Your trousers." " It's a little unseemly." " The trousers..." "Jock, you know, it's entirely possible that I've bumped my head..." "You think?" "Have you heard the expression, "Open your balls"?" "No, sir." "It made me feel dirty." "(SHOUTS)" "JOCK:" "Hang on, sir!" "Bloody good show, Jock!" "You really are a cut above!" "Where would you like to go, sir?" "The only safe ground is English soil." "To the Embassy, chop-chop." " Oh!" " Jock?" "(MORTDECAI YELPING)" "JOCK:" "Keep your head down, sir!" " Hang on, sir!" " MORTDECAI:" "Okay!" "(TIRES SCREECHING)" " Jock?" " Yes, sir?" "Will it be all right in the end?" "I couldn't say, sir!" "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "No, not the stairs!" "(MORTDECAI SCREAMING)" "Oh!" "A bit of noise, sir!" " MORTDECAI:" "Ahh!" " JOCK:" "There we go!" "Ahh." "(YELPS)" "Oh, it was dashed exhilarating." " (CHUCKLES APPROVINGLY)" " Where to, sir?" "Well, it was long ago, and she was underage, but I do believe the embassy is that way." " Right you are, sir." " Right." " Jockie?" " Yes, sir?" ""Open your balls"?" "I have no idea." "Is it that you actually know and don't want to tell me?" "Yes, sir." " MARTLAND:" "Yes?" " They've got him." "Ambassador's residence in Moscow." "They're putting him on the next flight to Heathrow." "Thank you." "Oh, and his wife is on line six for you, sir." "Thank you!" "Thank you, Maurice." "Maurice?" "Shut the door." "Yes, sir." "Hello, Johanna." "We've found him." "He's on his way home." "(SIGHS) Thank heavens." "This place is an absolute mausoleum on one's own." "Do you feel unsafe?" "A bit." "I could park outside for the night." "Oh, I couldn't ask." "But how about tomorrow?" "Do come in, of course." "Say, 8:00?" "You, me, and Charlie?" "Well, of course, Alastair." "Wouldn't do, the two of us here alone, would it?" "No, I suppose not." "Still, if he can't make it, he can't make it." "May I bring anything?" "Perhaps there is something you could bring." "A bottle of Chardonnay?" "A complete regimental listing of the British 7th Army, 2nd Division, June of 1945." "Very well, Johanna." " 'Til tomorrow." "Ta!" " (HANGS UP)" "Well, maybe he won't be able to make it." "Uppy, uppy, Jock!" "You are uppy, sir." "Am I?" "Where are we?" "You should see the other fellow." "(LAUGHING)" "The fact that you're as drunk as a fiddler's bitch in no way obviates the fact that you very nearly caused an international incident." "A man your age has no excuse for looking or behaving like a fugitive from a home for alcoholic music hall artistes." "I will have you know that I am not an alcoholic." "I am a drunk, and there is a vast difference." "In my defense," "I was not drinking until the plane." " And in the car, sir." " And a bit in the car." "And the Ambassador's residence." "(STAMMERING) Ah!" "And at the Ambassador's residence." "The only advice I offer is you do not apply to another of our embassies for help if and when you outrage the laws of the United States, once you are there." "Stop!" "Stop!" "Are you suggesting that I go to the Colonies?" "Perish the vile thought." "I couldn't possibly." "The sale of your Rolls-Royce to Krampf will offer you a perfect cover." "Find out if he's got that painting." "Get behind the gates of his estate and poke around a bit." "The car has been loaded upon a cargo flight to Los Angeles, and is halfway across the Atlantic." "You will follow." "California?" "Oh, icky!" "Your bags have been packed and checked, and your flight leaves..." "Ah, now." "(CHUCKLES)" "JOCK:" "On your feet, soldier." "Hang on to me." "I should like to ring my wife because she's probably quite worried about me." "Oh, don't worry about her." "I've been keeping her filled in." "I say, old bean!" "Go to America and see Krampf." "Do what it takes to bring the painting back, and leave Johanna to me." "Jock?" "(WHISPERING) Come here." "I'm frightened." "Do you think that Johanna is thawing on the subject of the moustache?" "Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)" "WOMAN:" "Hi." "Hello." "Sorry, there was a queue." "(BABY COOING)" "(WOMAN SIGHING)" "Good God, man!" "Jockie!" "Focus, man!" "There are but five days to insolvency." " Two, sir." " No, today's, what, Monday?" "Thursday, sir." "Ah, well done." "Carry on." "Oh... (LAUGHS)" "Ah, Jock." "Dear, sweet, sperm-heavy Jock." "Behold this America, this new colossus, this fair land of the free!" "What kind of hell-place is this?" "Ooh!" "I feel as though we've made a wrong turn and arrived on the set of a pornographic film." "Have we taken a wrong turn and arrived on the set of a pornographic film?" "Checking in?" "I am Mortdecai, Lord of Silverdale." "I should like to request a bucket of ice," ""Do Not Disturb" sign, and a bulldozer." " Checking in?" " Yeah, we're checking in." "I suspect I may need to redecorate." "Room 326, overlooks the pool." "So all I must do is show up, and I'm presented with a credit card." "No wonder your country's in financial ruin." "Do you need help with your bags?" "No, I do not need help with my bags." "I have a fucking manservant." "Strange country." "Ow!" "Hello." "MAN:" "Hold it." "Thanks." "Hey." "Hello... (MAN AND WOMAN MOANING)" "(GROANS)" "Ahh!" " (WOMAN MOANING) - (MAN GRUNTING)" "(GROANING)" "(PANTING)" "It's like listening to bloody orangutans!" "Oh, really, why?" "Why?" "(TELEPHONE RINGING)" "Hello, American?" "The rooms here are made of cement." "Very good in case of an air raid." "But for those of us trying to get a bit of rest after an arduous crossing, a bit of an acoustic nightmare." "So would you please stop grunting like wildebeests and allow me to get some sleep, man?" "Please!" "Please!" "JOCK ON PHONE:" "Sorry, sir." "We'll try and keep it down." "Good God, Jock!" "Put that thing away, man!" " (GRUMBLING) - (SLAMS PHONE)" "(RINGING)" "Hello?" "Oh, apple of my eye." "The love of my life." "Everything here makes me think of you." "Who is this?" "It is I, your beloved." "(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)" "Your husband, Charlie." "Where are you?" "Oh, a terribly vulgar place called Los Angeles." "Apparently located in the far West colonies." "Well, what are you doing there?" "Well, I'm delivering the Rolls to that grotesque" "Milton Krampf and retrieving a certain something in the process." "Stay away from Krampf's daughter." "She's a well-known nymphomaniac." "Is she?" "How do you know such things?" "Johanna, we seem to be out of ice." "Should I send for some?" "It's my husband on the line." "MARTLAND:" "Oh, is he still alive?" "Has he got the painting yet?" "Is that Martland?" "I'll just be a moment, Alastair." "That Judas!" "That Ajax!" "That Paris!" "Or was it Agamemnon?" "Oh, you know who I mean." "That ghastly chap who stole Helen of Troy and started all that nasty business in Greece." "(JOCK AND WOMAN MOANING ON PHONE)" " (WOMAN SHOUTS)" " JOCK:" "Done!" "Finally!" "Charlie?" "Why are people achieving climax in your immediate vicinity?" "(STAMMERING) Well, I think I'm staying in some sort of cement brothel, my love." "Say that again." "You look here, I will have you know that" "I too am capable of being desirable to a certain type of woman!" "Charlie!" "Yes, oh, yes!" "Some women go blind batting their lashes for mustachioed men such as I!" "Charlie Mortdecai, you are on very dangerous ground!" "Tell me the name of that nympho daughter of Krampf's!" "Perhaps she would render an opinion on the issue!" "Hmm?" "Never mind." "I've found a cold Latour which we might enjoy..." "Johanna?" "Oh, balls." "MORTDECAI:" "Jock and I set off to deliver the Rolls to my client, Milton Krampf, ruthless billionaire, art collector, and the rumored possessor of the lost Goya." "I was hot on the scent, and a teensy bit curious about his nympho daughter." "(MORTDECAI SIGHS)" "(DOG GROWLING)" "Ah." "Oh." "Ooh." "(SIGHING)" "Yes..." "Right." "We must secure the painting, escape this nightmare posthaste and you should interrupt me as soon as you can." " Yes, sir." " Oh!" "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "Lucky saddle." "(CHUCKLES) Ah!" "Yes!" "The fine life-giving drinks tray manifests itself." "A mint julep, sir." "Anything will do, I thank you." "I'm Georgina Krampf." "Oh!" "How do you do?" "(GASPS)" "You must be Mortdecai." "Yes, indeed I am he." "Are you not having a little something to drink?" "No, I never drink alcohol." "I don't like to blunt my senses." "How awful." "Oh, I feel wonderful." " Ooh!" " Feel me." "Hmm?" "Feel?" "Oh." "Oh, yes." "No, not there, stupid." "Here." "Ah!" "(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Ooh." "Ooh..." " Charlie Mortdecai, you son-of-a-bitch..." " I was not squeezing the breasts..." "The Rolls." "MORTDECAI:" "Huh?" "Oh." "(MORTDECAI LAUGHING)" "MORTDECAI:" "So, I was a mule!" "Right." "You know, Bronwen called me when she discovered the Goya, and I called Spinoza, and then he arranged for everything, including the smuggling of the painting in your Rolls." "Yes, but someone found out about the plan, and now Bronwen is as stiff as my Uncle Richard's hatband." "Art restoring is a nasty business." "You are a nasty business, sir." "Just look at her." "Isn't she a beauty?" " Yes, she is." " My God..." " She's exquisite." " So good..." "The expert brushstrokes, the smooth lines..." "MILTON:" "Doesn't she look like my mother?" "Can you see a resemblance?" " I never met your mother." " No, not in her, in me." " She's got prominent lips like me..." " Ah!" "...and those far-searching eyes..." " Don't you think so?" " Mmm." "Mmm." "Oh, yes." "Do you mind?" "Mmm." "I was just looking for something... else." "Mmm." "Okay." "Um..." "Uh, Branspath?" "Okay." "Thank you so much." " In my study, please." " Very good, sir." "Thank you." "No hard feelings." "(MORTDECAI LAUGHS)" "I hope you'll stay with me tonight." "I'm throwing a party." "I'm gonna unveil the Duchess, and watch every art world snob in town drool all over her." "We'll have your things sent over from the hotel." "Go upstairs and freshen up." "You smell like a horse!" "And if you're quick about it, you might have time to couple with Georgina before dinner." "She's been through half the staff already." "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "Sir, you're staring at your liquor." "So I am." "Jock, I fear we are in the eleventh hour, man." "Our very future rests on getting our hands on that blasted painting." "And therefore it's imperative that we devise a plan." "And it will have to be a fiendishly clever plan." "Well, sir..." "I've been thinking..." "And I mean dizzyingly complex, replete with feints and distractions and calibrated movements of the Swiss watch type." "What?" "Thoughts?" "During the party, we steal it while no one's looking." "Ingenious." "Once again?" "You go down, get your face seen a bit..." "Mmm." "Then you meet me 'round the back later, we climb up the side of the building, break through the window, grab the painting." "Oh, diabolical." "(STAMMERS) Let's review it a few more times, shall we?" "It's just the old smash-and-grab routine, sir." "Of course it is." "This is just the old smash-and-grab business." "Smash-and-grab." " Jock?" " Yes, sir?" "I am so very proud of you." "Thank you, sir." " And, Jock?" " Yes, sir?" "You know, I've always been rather fond of you." "Thank you, sir." " Jock?" " Yup?" "Will it be all right in the end?" "How the fuck should I know?" "(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "Unremarkable." "Keep the Englishman busy." "I create distraction." "No problem." "Ooh!" "Hi." "Oh!" "That's my bottom. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)" "Dance with me." "Starburst!" "Oh!" "So much!" "So much to look at!" "Hmm." "Have me." "Oh, my dear, I'm so tired." "And so married and so tired." "And so married..." "Oh!" "And I'm married and tired, you know." "I..." "Just..." "Whoa!" "Oh!" "(WOMAN CLEARS THROAT)" "MORTDECAI:" "Darling!" "(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Whatever brings you here?" "This is not a breast in my hand!" "I was unhappy with our last conversation, so I got on the next plane." "Surprised?" "Oh, pleasantly." "Aren't you going to introduce us?" "Johanna, my dear, this is Milton Krampf's nymph..." "Daughter Georgina." "And she was, well, we were having a discussion about three..." "Sometimes, you know, how it's like a... (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)" "(MORTDECAI STAMMERING)" "Whew!" "Uh..." "My, my, look at the time!" "Uh..." "Carry on!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "(GROWLING)" "A beast..." "A beast..." "Ooh." "Oh." "Yes, yes, yes." "Good hungry doggie..." "Weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie..." "Weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie..." "I met a beast..." "Krampf's window is the second one on the left." "No, no." "I met a beast!" "Get on that ladder!" "And what, pray tell, might you be doing whilst I'm engaged in thus heroics?" "(DOG BARKING)" "Oh!" "Beast!" "Beast!" "Beast... (GROWLING)" "Oh, how I long for the rain and indifference of Europe." "Well done, Jock!" "JOCK:" "It's a privilege, sir!" "(DOOR SLAMS)" "Ah..." "Well then, Mr. Krampf." "I suppose since you're here and I'm here, it's time for you and I to talk turkey." "Oh, I see." "Oh, I see." "Bad news for you, Strago." "There are no bank codes on that painting." "I think we both know that there are." "Invisible ink, no?" "Stop right there!" "Sit down." "Sit!" "I..." "I warn you, Georgina." "You have no idea what you're getting involved with." "Despite his man purse, Strago is very dangerous." "Darling, they are in cahoots." "How do you know?" "Oh, that's gross!" "We are in love." "Drop the gun!" "Emil!" " JOHANNA:" "Alastair!" " Do it now!" "(GRUNTS)" "(MEN SHOUT)" "Good show, Martland!" "Bit redundant, really, as he's dead." "Alastair, what are you doing here?" "MARTLAND:" "I followed you." "Wouldn't do to have you walking into all this mess on your own, now, would it?" "Jock, give me the painting." " Sit down!" " Drop the knife!" "I will shoot you." "Yes, most likely by accident." "None of you will ever know what it's like to make love to a man with principles." "Well, in my case," "I can safely say you are correct." "However, I never went to Eton where buggery is rampant." "Oh, you were at Eton, weren't you, Martland?" "Yes, yes, I was." "Yes, I was!" "Please don't be sick!" "Please don't be sick!" " (WOMAN SCREAMING) - (RETCHING)" "It's the shellfish!" "(PEOPLE CLAMORING)" " You have it?" " Go!" " Do you have it?" " Go!" "I go, I go, I go!" "Valet!" "Oh, I don't like that." "I don't like it." " Close your eyes, sir." " Right." "Give me the keys." "Keys to the Rolls." "Come on, let's go." "Well, at least none of us had the shellfish." "(GROANS)" "(JOCK VOMITING)" "Jock, please!" "(GAGGING)" "My sympathetic gag reflex." "Have you lost your bearings, man?" "Shellfish at a catered affair?" "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "And I will have you two know that" "I had a firm grasp on things before you showed up." "Oh!" "You certainly had a firm grasp on something!" "(GASPS) You dare to cast aspersions?" "I am not the one entertaining at all hours" " with a failed poet!" "Oh!" " (TIRES SCREECHING)" "At least my focus at university wasn't plagiarism!" "Oh, stay out of it!" "(GROANING)" "JOCK:" "Oh, I've got a sensitive tummy!" "There's more, there's more, there's more..." "No more, no more, no more." "I swallowed it." "At least I have the good taste to hide my indiscretions and not parade them under everyone's nose!" "So you admit there were indiscretions?" "I admit nothing!" "Then I deny nothing." "Oh, shut up!" "(SCREAMS)" "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "(ALL GRUNTING)" "Questionable attack, Jock." "Spirited, though." "I'm done." "MARTLAND:" "There's their car!" " MORTDECAI:" "Where?" " MARTLAND:" "There!" "Now we wait." "Thirty seconds." "Twenty-nine..." "Twenty-eight..." "GEORGINA:" "Don't count." "(LIQUID DRIPPING)" "(SIGHS)" "Better out than in." "All right..." "I shall secure the perimeter." "Why, this is an outrage!" "There's not an ocean vista within miles of this establishment." "Please don't be tiresome." "Jock!" "Are you quite finished with your barrage of insults?" "Now we heat the surface, reveal the codes and transfer the money." "Get the blowtorch." "(GAS HISSING)" "(JOCK GRUNTING)" "Nobody make a move." "I really wouldn't, you know, he's trained and sexually frustrated." "MARTLAND:" "Those bank codes won't fall into the wrong hands again." "Back away from the painting." " Oh, don't do that!" " For heaven's sake." "For England!" "(ALL EXCLAIM IN FEAR)" " MARTLAND:" "Oh, dear." " (SCREAMS)" " Everyone out!" " Okay." "(ALL CLAMORING)" "MORTDECAI:" "The local authorities were displeased." "Strago and Georgina fled, leaving the rest of us to answer some rather pointed questions." "I recounted the sordid tale as best I could..." "This may be a customary greeting in America." "I don't know." "All the while, my thoughts were only of home." "If indeed Johanna and I still had a home to go to." "(DOOR BUZZING)" "I'm not sure if Jock has mentioned it, but I am very, very sorry about everything." "(EXHALES)" "Darling?" "Please?" "(MORTDECAI SIGHS)" "I suppose that we will have to open the house to tours." "I'll have Jock fix up the servants quarters for us." "Do you think that Jockie will stay on without pay or lodging?" "Don't be daft." "This isn't finished yet." "That painting was a fake." "MORTDECAI:" "A fake?" "How do you know?" " A chap called Bunny's got the real one." " Bunny?" "Bronwen lied from the start." "She never found the lost Goya." "She painted it." "Of course!" "Bronwen makes a fake, and calls Krampf." "Am I interested?" "(STAMMERING) I'm wildly interested." "MORTDECAI:" "Krampf calls Spinoza." "Georgina finds out about it and tells Emil, who goes to steal the painting from Bronwen." "But Spinoza's already there." "He boffs Emil on the bean" " and takes the painting." " (LAUGHING)" "Spinoza then secrets the painting into the Rolls and I unwittingly smuggle it to Krampf." "The Duke told me that Bunny has the painting, but I can't find him." "Which Duke?" "Of Asherboroughdon." "Bronwen's lover." "Bunny." "(GASPS) "Love, your Bunny!" Oh!" "The note in the studio." "It was not from a child, it was from him." "The Duke is Bunny." "(CLICKS TONGUE)" "(GASPS) And it wasn't his tadger." "Come again?" "The Duke kept trying to get me to go into his lavatory to look at his John Thomas." "Oh." "Randy bugger." "Only that wasn't it at all!" "He was trying to show me the real painting." "The Duchess of Wellington is in Bunny's loo." "Oh!" "Ooh!" " Oh, my." " Oh, my." "Oh, my." "Oh, my!" "(FUNERAL ORGAN PLAYING)" " Oh, my." " Oh, my." "Well, the water bailiff won't bother him now." "Mmm." "Terribly sorry for your loss, madam." "How very kind." "Would you mind ever so much if we used the lavatory?" "It's this way." "(BOTH GASP)" "Oh, you beautiful breadwinner." " Mwah." " (BOTH GAGGING)" "Darling, please, you are killing me." "Right." "Out the window with it?" "Quite." "However..." "I do have the slightest of queries." "What do we do next?" "Hmm." "Because if Martland should get his grubby hands on that painting, he would destroy a magnificent work of art." "And we will be out a finder's fee." "If it falls into Strago's hands, he will unleash his unpleasantness to disastrous effect upon the world." "And if we try to sell it to Romanov, he will kill us and simply take it instead." "And yet we must find a way to pay eight million in back taxes." "Mmm." "Quite, quite, yes, indeed, quite." "Quite a conundrum, this." "I shall need a moment to think this through, I'm afraid." "Yes, do." "Do think." "Just bear in mind, I'm standing on a loo, holding a dead man's Goya." "Our painting is entered in Sedgwick's Friday auction, is it not?" "Yes." "Perfect." "We are going to enter the Goya into the auction, disguised as our Sheridan." "But it's already at Sedgwick's." "It's been authenticated." "We'll make a switch." "But first we must convince our buyers that the Goya's back in play." "They won't take our word for it." "They'll want to see it themselves." "Then we'll show it to them." "What the situation requires now is a well-spun rumor." "Sir Graham." "A message for you, sir." "What is all this nonsense?" "You know I'm not interested in your flaccid Sheridan." "Darling?" "(GRAHAM GASPS)" "Interested now?" "Very." "But I watched it burn." "It's Mortdecai, sir." "Chatter is he's found a dashedly clever way to move it on the open market." "The auction starts at 5:00 p.m." "I want that painting." "The auction got it." "Good luck!" "(CHIMES)" "I believe he still owes me a finger." " Hello, pookie." " Hello, darling." "I nicked one of their passkeys." "MORTDECAI:" "Well done." "We're Lot Seven." "I shall need 30 seconds to make the switch once it's announced." "Do not delay." "I know this building like the back of my hand." " You will have your time." " Oh." "Mmm." "Good luck." "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen." "Welcome to Sedgwick's" "Autumn Master's Sale." "We shall begin with Lot One." "Barnyard Friends." "A lovely Helen Allingham, depicting two horses, an ass, and several cocks." "There's a lovely sky here." "Shall we start the bidding at 17,000 pounds?" "Seventeen thousand pounds, thank you very much." "Stealthy, man, stealthy." "Oh." "Like a jungle cat." "Oh!" "Ahh!" "Hello, Vladimir." "So good to see you out and about." "Tell us where painting is, or you have big hole in your head." "You will have hole in your balls!" "Why is Dmitri obsessed with testicula?" "(GROANS)" "Your mother and father only met once." "And money changed hands." "(GROANS)" "Probably less than a 20." "And they say she was dressed as a man at the time." "I wouldn't, mate." "I really wouldn't." "Sold to the gentleman in the fuchsia ascot." "Moving on to Lot Two." "All right." "There." "You won't be needing this anymore, will you?" "Will you?" "Huh?" " Ahh!" " Ooh!" " (DMITRI GROANING) - (YELPS)" "My God. (GROANS)" "(GROANING)" "Oh, dash it all, Jock, man, your hand!" "(GRUNTING)" "It's all right, sir, I've got another." "You know, remarkably, this is not the first time I've shot Jock." "JOCK:" "Sir, the switch." " Mmm?" " The switch, sir." "Oh, quite right." " (SCREAMS)" " No time to dally." "Ugh." "(WAILING)" "(GRUNTING)" "(LAUGHING)" "JOCK:" "I'll meet you inside, sir." "And we move on to Lot Four." "Fernand Just Quignon's Lavender Field." "Isn't it charming?" "(AUCTIONEER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)" "(LOCK CLICKS)" "(DOOR BUZZING)" "AUCTIONEER:" "Thirty-five thousand pounds." "Forty thousand pounds?" "40,000?" "45, isn't it?" "Forty-five, thank you, sir." "45, 50, back on the..." "Give me the painting." "(SWORDS CLATTERING)" "What painting?" "Oh!" "I see that you have been schooled in the fine art of fencing." "(MORTDECAI CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)" "Alas, so have I." "An essential part of every gentleman's education." "And as a gentleman, I should warn you that my coup d'arret is still whispered about in hushed tones to this very day." " Ooh!" " (YELLS)" "(YELPS)" "I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it!" "Oh, oh, oh!" "Twenty-five thousand pounds." "(DOOR BUZZING)" "AUCTIONEER:" "Lot Five." "Smiling Woman in a Chair." "(DOOR BUZZING)" "(YELLING)" "Sold for 210,000 pounds." "And now, moving on to Lot Six." "(YELPS)" "(SCREAMING)" "Ha-ha!" "Oh." "Ha-ha!" "(GRUNTING) Oh!" "Oh, dear." "(GASPS)" "I would like to humbly and unreservedly offer my deepest... (YELLING)" "Truce?" "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" "AUCTIONEER:" "Ladies and gentlemen, if you would please remain calm." "(EMIL YELLING)" "Ladies and gentlemen, if you would please remain in your seats, I would be grateful." "Ah!" "(AUCTIONEER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON PA)" "Where is Mortdecai?" "Well, come on, then." "(SIRENS WAILING)" "(GRUNTING)" "(SCREAMING)" "God." "(STRAINING)" "Going on to Lot Seven." "Colonel Blucher" " with Hounds near Twineham." " But quietly." "Quietly." "A lovely Sheridan offered by the Mortdecai estate." "Shall we start the bidding at 100,000 pounds?" "One hundred thousand pounds." "Thank you, Sir Graham." "(GRUNTING)" "Fang wants finger." "Must go and bid." "Must go and bid." "Must go and bid." "Where is Mortdecai?" "Tell me." "He's not here, mate." "He sent me." "MAN:" "Where is he?" "JOCK:" "It's just me, mate." "Oh, God!" "Dear, sweet, heroic Jock." "Two hundred." "Very good." "Do we have three?" "Three." "Yes, well, in future, if you could please use your paddles." "I will take your finger." "(WHIMPERING)" "(BOTH SPEAKING CANTONESE)" "(SOFTLY) I couldn't help overhearing some discussion about your finger." "Oh, don't worry about that, sir, I've got nine more." "I feel simply awful, man, but I must get to the auction." "I'll be all right, sir." "We need eight million." "AUCTIONEER:" "Now, can we go to 500?" "500, ladies and gentlemen." "(SOFTLY) There he is." "Now don't cause a panic." "Just get him." "AUCTIONEER:" "Five hundred thousand." "Five hundred thousand." "(SOFTLY) Hold." "Hold." "AUCTIONEER:" "Thank you, madam, 500,000." "Do I have 600?" "600,000 pounds, ladies and gentlemen." " Bid." " Oh!" "What?" "(SHOUTS)" "A bid from Lady Mortdecai, who seems to be bidding on her own painting." "Just taking the horse for a trot out to London and back, are we?" " Oh!" "Yeah." " Very well. 600 then." "(WHISPERING) I'll make it up to you, Jockie." "Oh, I know you will, sir." "You always do." "(JOCK GRUNTING)" "(GROANS)" "Well done, sir." "It is a privilege, Jock." "AUCTIONEER ON PA:" "Are we all done at 900, 000?" " Go bid!" " Oh!" "AUCTIONEER:" "Fair warning at 900, 000 pounds from Sir Graham." "Last chance." "And we are..." "Darling." "Yes, Lord Mortdecai?" "Would you also like to make a bid?" "Ten million pounds." "(ALL GASP)" "AUCTIONEER:" "Ten million pounds from Lord Mortdecai himself." " (SCREAMING) - (PEOPLE GASPING)" "(SOFTLY) Move!" " MAN:" "Come on!" " Twenty million, you swine!" "Twenty-five million." "EMIL:" "Twenty-five and a half!" "26 and a quarter!" "Thirty million." "Final offer!" "AUCTIONEER:" "Is that our final bid?" "Are we all done at 30 million pounds?" "Sold." "(APPLAUSE)" "There you are. 2,642 pounds." "I do beg your pardon." "Uh, maths were never my strong suit." "But there was mention of 30 million, so you take that." "Uh, less commission, carrying, handling, and transfer taxes, left a total of just over eight million pounds." "Which I am sorry to report has been..." "Garnished by Her Majesty's government in settlement of your tax bill, Charlie." "Can you think of a good reason why I shouldn't arrest you right now?" "I eschew discomfort?" "JOHANNA:" "Any blame here should fall on me." "Dear Alastair, if I led you to believe there was anything between us, it was merely to find out about the case and protect my husband." "Can you forgive me?" "Of course, Johanna." " Charlie?" " Mmm." "It was a damned good try, old bean." ""Of all sad words of tongue or pen," ""the saddest are these, 'It might have been'."" "Thank you, Maurice." "MORTDECAI:" "Poor Jock." "He was frantic with worry." "But I knew everything would be all right in the end." "(INHALES DEEPLY)" "Magnificent." "Do you think the codes are really there?" "They most certainly are, darling." "And I gave them to the authorities." "Anonymously, of course." "We may be flat broke, my darling, but we are not desperate." "I do hope Romanov doesn't come down too hard on Sir Graham, when he finds out he bought the wrong fake." "Lights." "(CLICKING)" "That is disappointing." "Very disappointing." "Open your balls." "Bollocks." "Now, tell me about that tramp on the horse." "Oh, my darling," "I tried desperately to be unfaithful to you," "I really did." "But I just couldn't do it." "It's a terrible moment when you find yourself falling in love with your own spouse, isn't it?" "Now, that is the look that softens every bone in my body, except one." "Do you mean you are ready?" "I see no obstacle to such a course." "My love, surely you recall" "I have already been circumcised." "(SIGHS) Mmm..." "Charlie?" "Mrs. Mortdecai, as you well know," "I am a man of few words." "(CHUCKLES)" "I deeply, deeply love my moustache." "But" "I have discovered that I love you" "more." "Proceed." "Would you really do that for me?" "For you, there is nothing I would not do." "Well, in that case, Mr. Mortdecai," "I should be very pleased if you would keep it." "Really?" "I mean... (MUMBLES)" "Mmm..." "Oh, darl..." "Your gag reflex." "Try me." "(CHUCKLES APPROVINGLY)" "Pookie." "I have never been so... (BOTH GAGGING)" "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)"