"CHOIR: (SINGING) Oh, happy day, happy day" "WOMAN: (SINGING) Oh, happy day" "Oh, happy day, happy day Oh, what a happy day" "Oh, happy day, happy day" "Oh, happy day, happy day Oh, yeah, yeah" "Oh, happy day, happy day Oh, what a happy day" "Jesus, Jesus Oh, my Jesus" "Jesus, Jesus Oh, my Jesus let me see the way" "Oh, happy day, happy day Oh, yes it is" "He taught me how" "To walk How to walk" "ALL:" "Fight and pray" "Fight and pray Yeah, yeah" "And then rejoice happy day, happy day" "Happy day" "Happy day Oh, oh, oh, oh" "Oh, happy day, happy day" "Well, look what rolled in." "You know, at first, I thought you was old-ass Raisinet riding on a skateboard." "I'd like to come over there and choke the life out of you right in front of Jesus." "Sweet Lord, give me strength." "Don't make me have to whoop nobody's head in church." "Ignore him, Lord." "Ignore all his prayers." "He ain't nothing, never did nothing." "Give him a stroke or something." "Do you, Sherman Klump?" "Yes, I do." "Indeed, I do." "Oh, happy day, happy day Oh, yeah, happy day" "(GUESTS CLAPPING)" "Happy day, happy day." "Happy day, my ass." "(ORGAN PLAYING)" "GRANNY:" "Oh, he look handsome." "Oh, my baby's finally getting married." "Never thought I'd live to see the day." "Finally." "Oh, here she comes, here she comes." "I'm gonna cry." "I promised myself I wasn't gonna cry." "Now I'm gonna cry." "Yeah, all right." "Dynamite." "You may be seated." "Oh, thank God." "Oh, thank God." "I always knew he'd find the right girl." "Always knew." "You see the Indian in her cheekbones?" "Sherman, Sherman." "Sherman." "Sherman, Sherman, Sherman." "Sherman !" "Oh, Lord." "Stop behaving so stupid." "Dearly beloved, we have gathered here today to join these two people in holy matrimony." "Praise the Lord." "PREACHER:" "The eminent scientist, Professor Sherman Klump and his longtime sweetheart, Denise Gaines." "Oh, Sherman." "PREACHER:" "If anyone has any reason why these two should not be wed, let him speak now or forever hold his penis." "Oh, Sherman." "That's it, son." "Show them what the Klumps are made of!" "Sherman, put that away." "Sherman, calm down, baby." "Save it for the honeymoon." "Surprise!" "Hey, Sherman, calm down, boy." "What's wrong with you?" "(GRUNTING)" "This is some scary shit." "Yeah, like The Outer Limits." "No, don't hurt yourself, baby." "You are coming with Buddy." "No!" "No!" "See you later, Chunky Butt!" "(LAUGHING EVILLY)" "No!" "And then I wake up in a cold sweat." "How often do you have this dream?" "More and more lately." "You seem to be very fond of this girl, Denise." "My God, she is so special to me." "But how's she gonna love me when I got Buddy Love inside me?" "I wanna be perfect for her." "Perfect?" "No one is perfect, Sherman." "You need to understand that Buddy Love is a representation of the uninhibited, hedonistic id." "He is not a real person." "Buddy Love is real !" "Well, he was real, and he does take control of me sometimes." "You will never learn to control him..." "BUDDY:" "Sherman!" "... untilyouaccept the fact that he is a part of you." "Yeah, and the best part, too!" "And I'll tell you something else, punk!" "All these diplomas on this wall don't make up for the fact that you got a little Vienna sausage in your drawers." "Is that why they call you a shrink?" "Shut up, fat..." "(BUDDY LAUGHING EVILLY)" "Sorry." "Yeah, yes." "Session got a little out of control." "You see, we all have a little Buddy Love inside us." "Yeah." "But we can't let him rule our lives." "You're in charge, Sherman." "Can you say that for me?" "I'm in charge." "Can't hear you." "I'm in charge." "Can't hear you !" "I'm in charge!" "Sorry about that." "Yeah." "Klump in charge." "I'm in charge." "He's right." "I am in charge." "Klump in charge." "Yes, indeed." "Good afternoon, ladies." "Yeah." "Hey, Professor Klump." "How's it going?" "Fantastic." "How about yourself?" "Yeah." "Klump in charge." "Afternoon." "Good day." "Hi." "How you doing?" "Wonderful day." "Beautiful day, isn't it, Professor?" "Bite me, old hag." "(BUDDY LAUGHING EVILLY)" "What?" "I said, he likes me." "Look at him wag." "Hey, little fella." "See that little tail wagging?" "Have a good day." "I'm in charge." "My goodness." "Kind of hot today, huh, Professor?" "You have no idea how hot it is." "Hot!" "Nice and hot!" "Oh, Professor." "I loved your lecture the other day." "Oh, thank you." "Thank you so much." "You're the man." "You're the man." "I'm in control." "Yeah, keep telling yourself that, bubble butt!" "(LAUGHING EVILLY)" "It is theoretically possible to isolate the elements of an individual's genetic makeup and separate them." "Now someday, we may be able to" "Locate an unhealthy risk factor in our DNA and remove it." "SHERMAN:" "Excuse me." "Beg your pardon." "I'm sorry." "Excuse me." "(MUFFLED YELLING)" "Whether this is advisable is another question entirely." "STUDENT:" "Oh, my eye!" "Oh, Professor Klump." "Oh !" "Professor Gaines, how are you?" "I was hoping I might be able to sit in on your lecture." "I'm sure we can accommodate you since you were so quiet coming in." "Well, it's very hard to be quiet when you're lecturing on genomic extractions." "I think it's very exciting." "Oh, I agree completely." "Something about the way the nucleotides cohere with the target sequence." "Yeah." "I always say, if you can't be with the nucleotide that you love, cohere with the one you're with." "Yeah." "Anyway as I was..." "(BELL RINGING)" "I want those lab reports on my desk." "No excuses." "I'll see you next time." "Professor Gaines." "Oh, Professor Klump." "Yeah." "Yes, I was..." "I was wondering if you had a..." "Ahem." "Dean Richmond, we were..." "Just having a little chat." "Don't be bashful, Professor Gaines." "Pound for pound, this big lug's the greatest scientist on the planet." "And let's be honest, pound for pound, he is a planet." "That's said with love." "Did you get those goo-goo clusters I sent you?" "Yes, I did, thank you, but I'm on a diet right now, so I can't eat them." "And it's working beautifully." "No, I'm telling you." "When I came in, with this light and in that outfit, you could really think for a second that..." "Anyway, you said you had something to show me." "I am so excited about this, Dean." "You will be, too." "You got that?" "Come on." "Jason, where's our patient?" "Right here, Professor." "Come on, boy." "(DOG BARKING)" "SHERMAN:" "Now this is Buster." "Buster suffers from acute arthritis and diminished vision, which are both signs of advanced aging." "We're gonna see if we can fix all of Buster's problems right now, aren't we, Buster?" "Yes, we are." "This little experiment makes use of Professor Gaines's brilliant research on gene targeting." "Now, if I've composed this formula properly, this should be most impressive." "All right, Buster." "Jiminy freaking Cricket!" "DENISE:" "Sherman, this is amazing." "You've just discovered..." "The fountain of youth." "This is huge." "Do you have any idea what you've done?" "This is unbelievable." "We're rich." "We're gonna have every pharmaceutical company in the world" "Lining up to throw money at us." "Of course, it all has to be properly tested first." "Exactly, yes." "He makes an interesting point." "Here's another." "Shut up!" "Besides, look at the little fella." "He can lick his own winky again." "(DOG BARKING)" "There's not a guy in the world who wouldn't wanna do that." "Klump!" "Dean Richmond !" "SHERMAN:" "The effect is only temporary." "I'm sorry, sir." "You're sorry?" "Oh, my goodness." "I'm just trying not to think where that tongue has been !" "(GROANS) You all right?" "Klump, party of six, please." "Yes, and we're hungry." "Mama, you know, you really look good." "Have you been losing weight?" "Oh, thank you, baby, no, but I'm getting ready to start a new diet." "Have some of this ambrosia." "I don't even like ambrosia." "Don't tell me you don't like ambrosia." "You had some before, and you liked it." "Have some adventure!" "Oh, now I'm a child." "I don't know what I like." "... fortheall-girls soccer team." "Let me get that for you." "Oh, my baby's so gallant." "PAPA:" "Sherman, come here." "And it's called "all the pork you can eat" diet." "You can have all the pork you want." "You can have ham, bacon, sausage." "I got the wrong thing." "Take that." "Thank you." "Now I got a full portion." "Whatever you wanna eat, just as long as you have three glasses of grapefruit juice afterwards because the grapefruit juice breaks down all the unwanted..." "Get away from there!" "Stop that!" "Baby!" "Honey, get the baby." "PAPA:" "He's a boy, and boys don't be doing stuff like that." "Hey!" "Get your ass..." "What?" "Please teach that boy manners." "He ain't gonna be acting like no hooligan with me." "That was a spoon or fork?" "That was a spoon." "All right." "PAPA:" "Boys will be boys." "Boys will be boys." "Oh, this looks fabulous." "Yeah, it looks really good." "How about getting another bottle of red over here?" "PAPA:" "Get some more wine." "Hey, Ernie, maybe you wanna pace yourself and take it easy, huh?" "Pace myself?" "Hey, this is a cerebration for Daddy retiring." "We owe it to Daddy to get shit-faced, and I'm gonna get shit-faced." "By the way, congratulations, Mr. Klump." "She's so polite." "Look here, Denise, you have to stop that "Mr. Klump" stuff 'cause I've been hearing that for the last year or so, and I'm starting to feel old." "I ain't an old man." "You is an old man." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Shit, Grandma, what's wrong with you?" "If it isn't the Alzheimer's Express right on schedule!" "Stop that!" "Hi, Mama." "ERNIE:" "She drove right on my bunion." "Y'all have to excuse me for being late." "If you weren't my grandmother, boy..." "If you weren't my grandmother!" "Me and Isaac started getting kind of frisky in the car." "Had to give him a little appetizer." "MAMA:" "Mama." "I just lost my damn appetite." "Mama, your dress is undone." "Let me zip you up." "Hurry." "Zip her up in the back before she starts looking like one of them Zulu hags on the cover of National Geographic." "MAMA:" "Cletus, what's wrong with you?" "That's my mother you talkin' about." "Like that movie, Shaka Zulu." "You know something, Cletus?" "Come on." "Come on right now!" "I'm gonna tell you something." "I got a razor in this bag." "PAPA:" "Oh, yeah, I'll tell you what." "That ain't even no bag in your hand." "That's your titty." "Cletus!" "Oh, Jesus!" "She's an old bag with old bag titties." "MAMA:" "Cletus, you out of your mind?" "He called your grandma's titty a bag." "Death !" "MAMA:" "Cletus Marcellus Klump." "PAPA:" "If it isn't the world's oldest living Negro?" "Hey, how are things going on the Underground Railroad, Isaac?" "Oh, Cletus, please, be nice to Mr. Isaac." "Good evening, Mr. Isaac." "Come on and have a seat." "Good evening, Mr. Isaac." "How you doing tonight?" "PAPA:" "Isaac know I'm playing." "I play with Isaac all the time." "You know I'm messing with you." "Oh, yeah, you say what you wanna say, but Isaac's still like a Brahma bull when it comes to relations, right, baby?" "You know what they say?" "You're as young as you feel." "Well, I must be 197." "Klump, funny you should say that." "Denise and I have been doing some research on aging, which has proven to be promising." "(ERNIE JR." "BELCHING)" "MAMA:" "Baby, don't belch in public." "Grandma don't wanna hear a Ii that nastiness." "He bringing the bass, huh?" "You plan to eat, you gonna be belching, cover your mouth." "Hey, look, your grandpa ate a whole plate of beans, you don't see me doing the ol' butt trumpet, do you?" "Thank the Lord." "MAMA:" "We don't have to hear all that nasty imagery." "Butts and trumpets." "I'm gonna tell my grandson what I wanna say." "Hey, can we get some toothpick?" "Some toothpick!" "If I wanna put a trumpet in my ass and run around this restaurant and blow," ""Hallelujah, Yankee Doodle," that's my business!" "All I'm hearing is trumpets and asses." "I don't wanna hear that." "Hey!" "You watch it now." "You reach over here again, you gonna pull back a nub." "Oh, Cletus, she's fiery." "I like that." "Tell me, don't touch the chicken." "Don't be hitting on people." "I don't be getting hit on, Sherman, you know that." "Better eat up, Isaac, 'cause you gonna need your strength." "Yeah, later on, me and Isaac gonna watch" "Mating Season on the Serengeti." "Don't take a lot to get Isaac going." "Time out!" "Let me call a time out on that." "Lord, my, my." "I don't wanna hear about you old-ass geriatrics." "Oh, yeah, Cletus?" "Me and Isaac might be dried-up geriatrics, but ain't nothing wrong with Isaac's love tackle." "MAMA:" "Mama." "Oh, snap now." "GRANNY:" "What's the matter, Cletus, cat got your tongue?" "Step on a nerve, Cletus?" "I get you." "Got you, got you." "Got ya!" "These potatoes sure are scrumptious, aren't they?" "Ain't that a kick in the head." "Yes, they're scrumptious, aren't they?" "Potato, my ass." "Ain't that a kick in the head?" "What that piece of spaghetti remind you of?" "Oh, Grandma, now, come on." "That's enough now." "Sure enough." "Maybe Mr. Johnson, perhaps?" "Oh, Lord have mercy." "Let me tell you, old woman." "What I do in my bedroom is my business." "You understand?" "Only thing you do in your bedroom is pull the lint off your scrotum." "ERNIE:" "Now it's getting thick." "See?" "That's the last straw." "(ALL TALKING)" "I think I'm gonna propose a toast." "Let's make a toast." "To Daddy." "ERNIE:" "Hear!" "Hear!" "After 35 years of hard work in the construction business..." "ERNIE:" "Thirty-five years!" "... Daddy'sgonnafinal get a chance to relax." "PAPA:" "Finally gonna get to relax." "This is true." "Damn right." "And I'd like to say in front of everybody here tonight..." "When you gonna stop jiving and tell everybody you got laid off?" "MAMA:" "Oh, my God." "DENISE:" "He's choking." "(GASPING)" "ERNIE:" "Hey, somebody put the "Hemlock" on him?" "MAMA:" "Put your arm up!" "The "Hemlock move."" "Give me a knife and straw." "I'm gonna give him a tracheotomy." "I seen them do it on E.R." "(FARTING)" "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "It's all right, folks." "Everything's under control." "Cletus." "No, Cletus." "Where you going?" "Sherman !" "Cletus!" "ERNIE:" "Dad, where you going?" "Daddy!" "Now you see what you did, Joe College?" "You done messed up the whole party." "Jason, I just know I'm not the one saying all those awful things." "It was him." "JASON:" "You may be right, Professor." "Take a look at this reading." "Right there." "Recombining with the gene that governs testosterone production." "Buddy Love." "I told you." "That's Buddy Love." "Don't panic." "All right." "We should be able to get rid of him." "According to Denise's theories, we should be able to isolate that gene and extract it." "No, no way." "Professor, what you're talking about is extremely dangerous." "Those traces of Buddy must've been in your system this whole time." "You've been able to keep them under control." "Not anymore." "He's back now." "He's coming back 'cause he knows I'm happy and he wanna ruin everything." "Yeah, but he is not a he." "He is a gene." "He's just part of you." "Oh, no, he's not." "Am I interrupting?" "(STAMMERING) Oh, not at all." "We were just doing some last-minute tests on Buster." "Yeah." "Sherman, can I talk to you in private for just a second?" "Sherman, I got a call today, and, well, I've been offered a full professorship at the University of Maine." "University of Maine?" "But, Denise, that's in Maine." "Yeah." "Well, that's a fine department over there in Maine." "It is gonna be a tremendous loss to Wellman, though." "Well, I haven't decided to leave just yet." "You haven't?" "Well, no, I mean..." "There's something very important to me here, and I'm not so sure I can just leave it behind." "Well, Denise, you can finish the research we started on your own." "Sherman, I'm not talking about research." "Really?" "Sherman, you're very special to me." "Oh, well, I didn't think you and I would ever..." "Because of..." "How can I put it?" "Because I'm..." "Big." "Yeah." "I was gonna say fat, but, yeah." "Big is better, yep." "Sherman, that doesn't matter to me." "What matters to me is that you're kind and decent." "You are the most brilliant man I've ever known." "Speaking of which, I shouldn't keep you from your research, so, I'll talk to you later." "Okay, I'll see you soon." "My goodness." "(BUDDY LAUGHING EVILLY)" "Professor?" "You okay?" "Yeah." "I just don't wanna hurt her, Jason." "Then you won't." "Hey, you can control Buddy." "You know, it's funny how you get used to certain things in life, you know?" "You get used to being overweight." "I know I did." "You even get used to people making fun of you." "Somewhere along the line, I got used to being alone." "And I just don't wanna be alone anymore." "Denise!" "Denise!" "Oh, Sherman, the flowers are beautiful." "But what are you doing down there?" "Please, come inside." "Just a minute." "Let me do something first." "Come here, guys." "Denise, I just wanna say that working alongside you this past year, getting to know you and be close to you, it's been the most wonderful time of my life." "ALL: (SINGING) The most wonderful time of his life" "How lovely." "I'd just like to say that it doesn't matter if you wanna take that other job or if you wanna stay here." "What matters to me most is that you're happy." "Denise, I have something that I wanna ask you." "He wants to ask you" "Denise..." "DeniseGaines..." "Yes, Sherman?" "Denise, will you..." "Well, ask her!" "Denise, will you..." "BUDDY:" "Hey, Sherman." "You hear me, Sherman?" "Denise, will you..." "Will you let me come up there and put my beef in your taco?" "Put the beef in your taco" "What?" "(BUDDY LAUGHING EVILLY)" "Oh, no, no, no, no!" "That's not what I meant to say, Denise." "That was a little joke." "A little joke." "I wanted to see if you wanted to go out and get Mexican food." "That's why I said that." "Well, I am kind of hungry, but I'm..." "Yeah, you are, huh?" "I bet you could stand for a big ol' Whopper right now." "A big ol' Whopper right now" "You're sick!" "I got to tell you, I'm a Jumbo Jack man myself." "Yeah, and I'm loaded with secret sauce." "Yeah !" "Come on !" "Back that thang up!" "Yeah !" "Come on !" "Come on !" "Yeah !" "Yeah !" "Come on !" "Make it funky!" "(SHERMAN EXCLAIMS)" "(MUSICIANS EXCLAIM)" "You're gonna ruin my lawn, you pervert!" "Put on the good ass!" "Sherman, I don't know what's gotten into you, but I don't like it at all !" "BUDDY:" "Way to go, Sherman!" "Oh, my goodness!" "BUDDY:" "You haven't seen the last of me, Sherman!" "Oh, my goodness, what'd I do?" "Denise!" "Denise!" "BUDDY:" "I'm gonna pee on myself." "I'm gonna pee in your pants!" "(BUDDY LAUGHING EVILLY)" "Okay, Buddy, it's time for you to go." "(EXCLAIMING)" "(SHOUTING)" "That's sexy." "(SOULFUL MUSIC PLAYING)" "Hey, what you playing that for?" "I thought it'd be soothing." "It'd be soothing if you turned that shit off so I can sleep." "Oh, Cletus, you haven't even looked at me." "I know what you look like." "We married for 44 years." "I look at you every day, all day long." "I know just what you look like." "Cletus, please, look at me!" "Damn." "Now here we go." "You got a show tonight?" "What you got that on for?" "Well, if you don't know after 44 years of marriage," "I don't know what to say to you." "You should say good night and take that damn rag off that lamp before we burn something down." "Hell." "There!" "What about Viagra?" "Viagra don't work for me." "I've been taking them like MM's." "Look, Cletus, maybe it's psychosomatic." "I seen on Oprah once that this happen to men after they get fired." "I mean, retired." "You know, sometimes you lose your self-esteem." "Lose self-esteem?" "I ain't lost no self-esteem." "You're always yapping about it." "You won't never let up!" "Forget it!" "You're like a broken record." "Every time I turn around, "Cletus, how you feeling now?" ""You got the groove now?" Every time I walk in the room..." "I don't even wanna hear it." "... youshakeyourass , trying to get me stimulated." "Go to sleep, please." "Let it happen naturally." "Never mind, Cletus!" "Never mind !" "I mean, I'm sorry to yell and scream, but you got too much pressure on me!" "You want tenderness?" "Ease up on the pressure." "Too much pressure for me." "GRANNY:" "Slow it down, Isaac." "No, no, baby, I'm over here." "Now, there they go." "GRANNY:" "Now, you're fine now." "Isaac, you're a champion." "That's your old-ass mother." "My mama has a healthy libido." "PAPA:" "Gotta slow it down !" "I ain't taking nobody to the emergency room tonight!" "Somebody break their leg, gonna stay broke this time!" "GRANNY:" "Isaac!" "Bingo." "Pokeno." "Professor?" "Professor?" "Hey." "Professor?" "Hey, Professor!" "Wake up." "Oh, Jason." "My God, what happened?" "Buddy." "I had to get rid of Buddy." "What?" "He had to go." "You could've killed yourself." "I mean, who knows?" "This could affect your coordination, your neurological system." "It could even affect your intelligence." "We don't even know if this is gonna work." "Only one way to find out." "Okay, Sherman, what is this about?" "Denise." "I'm so glad you came." "You know, I almost didn't come." "Wei I, I'm awful glad you did." "Listen to me, Denise." "Listen." "You know, fireflies, when they're searching for a mate, the way they find one another is they emit a pheromone, and I've synthesized it into a spray form." "Wait a minute." "You brought me out here for an experiment?" "Denise, wait, please!" "Just hear me out!" "Please, don't leave." "Sherman, why did you act that way the other night?" "Well, Denise, when I found out that you might be leaving, it just got me all messed up inside." "I said some things I really didn't mean at all." "It was like there was another person inside me who didn't appreciate how wonderful you are to me and how special you are to me." "And..." "Butthatsideofme  is gone now." "I got rid of that person forever." "You'll never see that ugly face again." "I just want you to know that for sure." "That's why I wanted you to come out here tonight." "Just bear with me, please." "Hope my little friends might be able to say it better than me." "Yes, Sherman Klump, I will." "Will you really?" "Really?" "Really." "Yes." "I will." "I really will." "You will?" "Yeah !" "Yeah !" "(LAUGHING)" "Yeah, yeah, yeah !" "Come on, Buster." "Time to go home." "That's right." "That's right." "Time to go home." "Now wait." "Sit." "Good boy." "Wait for Uncle "J." Stud." "JASON:" "Buster!" "Hey, Buster, where'd you go, boy?" "Here's a good boy." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Sherman, Sherman, Sherman !" "My baby's finally getting married, married, married !" "Oh, Sherman !" "GRANNY:" "I'm so happy for you, Sherman." "You're finally gonna get some." "(TELL ME SOMETHING GOOD PLAYING)" "(EXCLAIMING)" "Come on now, dance with me, girl." "You look fantastic." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "If you two can stop getting all jiggy with it, perhaps I can give you something to really cerebrate." "Oh, yes, sir." "Yes, Dean, what's that?" "Oh, nothing much." "A letter from Phleer Pharmaceuticals," "Largest drug company in the world." "I told them about your little discovery, and they made a preemptive offer." "Not too shabby, eh?" "A hundred and 50 million dollars!" "Oh, my God, Sherman !" "A hundred and 50 million dollars!" "Oh, my goodness." "Isn't that wonderful?" "Now, remember, that money belongs to Wellman." "All you have to do is prove to Phleer the formula works at the press conference I set up." "Yeah !" "Of course." "$150 million..." "Mymind'sall  scribble-scrabble." "MAMA:" "Oh, Mama, I can't wait to see what she looks like in my old wedding dress." "I can't wait to see, Mama." "She gonna..." "(MAMA EXCLAIMS)" "(MAMA CLAPPING)" "Oh, seeing you in that dress take me right back to the time I got married." "It's beautiful." "Oh, you look wonderful." "Show Mama what you look like." "Mama, look at this." "Oh, you look so lovely." "Oh, be careful now." "She looks fabulous in it, don't she, Mama?" "Look at her." "Denise, you still remember what I told you about marital relations?" "Oh, Mama." "Denise, look." "Try this pie." "I made it with Snickers." "Now, don't be shy." "GRANNY:" "Come on, let me hear it." "Oh, that's pretty." "Okay, if you get bored with your man, it's perfectly okay to picture someone else's head on his body." "GRANNY:" "Right." "You got a little waist, girl." "That's right." "That gentleman, Stone Phillips, on NBC." "You know, Granny, I really don't think I need to do that." "GRANNY:" "Isaac, you don't need to hear this." "It's private." "It's private!" "We gonna talk girl talk now, baby." "From time to time, I have fantasies about Stone Phillips from NBC." "Mama." "Mama, quiet." "It's true." "It's the same dream all the time." "I'm in a tobacco barn." "Stone Phillips is my coworker, and he don't never have on no shirt in the dream, and I don't never have on no pants." "It's the nougat that makes it chewy." "And I stand on this ladder," "Stone Phillips get a little peek of heaven I got up my skirt." "I invite him up the ladder, he come up the ladder and throw me on the tobacco." "And we start going at it like two mice." "Stone, Stone, Stone." "Oh, I think that's a wonderful fit." "I do, too." "Oh, you're so sweet." "Sherman and Denise!" "Sherman and Denise!" "Marriage, marriage, marriage, marriage, marriage." "They gonna get married, Mama." "MAMA:" "I'm so happy." "Welcome back." "MAMA:" "Marriage, marriage, marriage, marriage." "WOMAN: (SINGING) Nutty, nutty, nutty my love for you" "I can't believe my dreams come true" "I've finally found somebody whose heart is true" "And best of all you're nutty, nutty, nutty for me" "Whoa, whoa, whoa Whoa, whoa, whoa" "MAN:" "Well, well, well, we've seen quite a bit of each other today." "Now strip down to your shorts." "Right." "I suppose you thought I was gonna object to a strip search, didn't you, Chief?" "BUDDY:" "Keep your clothes on, please." "Don't nobody wanna see that!" "(BUDDY LAUGHING)" "Here's my wallet." "Why don't you check for yourself?" "Yeah, hold that stomach in, Robert!" "(LAUGHING)" "What's his problem?" "I don't know, but enough is enough." "Excuse me, sir." "Young man, will you please keep it down just a little bit 'cause we're trying to watch." "Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the theaters." "Hello, fat ass!" "Maybe we should get going." "I don't feel too good all of a sudden." "Let's go." "Come on, let's go somewhere else." "Sherman, who was that?" "I don't know." "I didn't get a good look at him." "Sherman !" "Sherman Klump!" "You still been hitting them Happy Meals." "You haven't changed an inch." "You remember me." "Buddy Love." "We used to both chase that girl, Carla, at the same time." "You ever hit that?" "Miss Purty and I were just friends." ""Just friends." I guess that means you didn't hit it, huh?" "Who's your new friend?" "She sure is fine." "Yes, fine." "What's your name?" "Sherman, suddenly I don't feel so well." "Can we leave, please?" "Yes, let's go, please." "Can I talk to Sherman for one second?" "Then you can have him." "One second, please." "I gotta talk to you." "We gonna have a little boy talk." "Excuse us." "Sherman, how you doing, baby?" "What do you want here?" "A little respect." "You left me all by myself in that test tube without a card or a letter, and now I want a divorce." "And this is a community property state, so I want my share." "Want your share of what?" "The youth formula we invented !" "You mean, the youth formula that I invented." "Oh, no way, Buddy, no way." "Who you grounding, fat boy?" "You grounding me?" "I haven't grounded..." "I was hoping we could do this like gentlemen." "Come on, Sherman." "You're gonna make me do something nasty to you, Sherman." "I'll do something nasty." "Sherman !" "See you soon, Sherman !" "Sherman !" "What the hell are you looking at?" "Oh, thank you, Sherman." "What else did I get from Sherman?" "What does this say?" ""Phleer Pharmaceuticals." $150... $ 150million." "(EXCLAIMING)" "I think Buddy's going shopping." "Professor, I got here as fast as I could." "I've got to hide this formula before Buddy gets to it." "Good idea." "I found something I think you should look at." "When I left here last night, everything was fine." "I mean, this was not here." "Good Lord." "Buddy must've recombined from the genomic sequence I extracted." "This doesn't make any sense." "He's just a fragment of genetic information." "He's nothing without a strand of DNA to graft himself onto." "Where did he get it?" "Just a second here." "Buster!" "Thank you so much." "Leanne Guilford." "President of Acquisitions." "Buddy Love, president of Love Industries." "Allergies?" "No." "Do you have a dog?" "Yes, I do." "A Yorkie." "She's driving me crazy right now." "Bitch." "Excuse me." "It's a female dog that you have, and she's in heat, right?" "Yes." "How did you know that?" "Let's just say I have a sixth sense about those things." "Is this her?" "Yeah, little Courtney." "Nasty." "Mr. Love, maybe we'd better do this another time." "No, this is the perfect time." "Let's do this right now." "This is the perfect time to talk about my youth formula." "We are already committed to purchasing Professor Klump's formula." "Professor Klump's formula?" "That's if it works." "Let's just that although he's a brilliant scientist, at times, he can be unstable." "Yes." "Interesting." "Yes, now, my formula works and can be yours for the price of $149 million, if you act now, pretty lady." "Forgive me for being blunt, but you don't expect me to just take your word for it, do you?" "Oh, no, not at all." "Just say when, and I'll make it available to you." "All right." "If Klump can't deliver and you can prove your formula's better..." "Yes?" "... Phleerwouldhaveto seriously consider it." "Is that right?" "I've got to go to a meeting." "Can we reschedule for later?" "We certainly can." "Good." "How about Wednesday, 7:00?" "Perfect." "Wednesday at 7:00." "Bring the formula." "Yes." "Excuse me." "Where's your restroom?" "Down the hall, to the left." "Thank you." "You finished with this?" "Sure." "(SNIFFING)" "What the hell you looking at?" "MAN:" "Good God !" "What "good God"?" "I went on the paper!" "Genetic anomalies can occur in any living organism through..." "Come on now, people." "Spontaneous mutation." "Now what is it that our genetic codes can determine about us?" "Miss Tate?" "They can determine whether you have blue eyes or pouty lips or a cute butt." "Stuff like that." "Right, right, precisely." "Very good." "But what about random nucleotide polymorphisms, Professor?" "Excellent question." "Random nucleotide polymorphisms." "Random nucleotide polymorphisms..." "Random nucleotide..." "I ain't got a clue." "(SHERMAN SHOUTING)" "JASON:" "Who knows?" "This could affect your coordination, your neurological system." "I mean it could even affect your intelligence." "What was I talking about?" "Genetic anomalies." "Yes, genetic anomalies." "As I was saying..." "Think you're pretty smart, huh, Molly?" "Not gonna beat me again." "(GROANS)" "That makes five times in a row now." "(DOOR OPENING)" "Hey." "Can I talk to you for a second?" "Jason, yes, please, come in." "Look, I know you think you're feeling fine, but I ran some more tests anyway." "Really?" "Yeah." "When you extracted Buddy, somehow it altered the gene that regulates neurotransmitter activity to the cerebral cortex." "Jason, all these big words are really perplexing to me." "Can you talk in plain English?" "You're losing your intelligence, sir." "Yeah." "Yeah, I know." "I know." "I can feel it." "I can't even beat Molly, and she's the dumbest hamster we got." "Jason, my presentation's in two days." "Now what am I gonna do?" "SHERMAN:" "Oh, my goodness." "Buddy." "Oh, thank God." "PAPA:" "Hey, how's it going there, Sherman?" "Yeah, Daddy, you startled me." "What's that you got there, son?" "The youth juice." "My formula." "I was wondering if I could keep it here for safekeeping." "Oh, yeah, leave it in the refrigerator." "Ain't nobody gonna bother it." "You all right?" "You look a little strained." "What's going on?" "Well, Daddy, you know, I kind of got a lot on my mind." "Really, I do." "I guess I've been a little worried about my presentation and all." "Worried about your presentation?" "You ain't got nothing to be worried about." "We gonna be watching you on TV, supporting you, and you should be proud." "We proud." "I know I'm proud." "I tell you that." "You ain't got nothing to be worried..." "You're gonna be doing just great." "I didn't hit you that hard." "Don't act like a little bitch." "By the way, Sherman, how many people can say that they raised a genius?" "I can." "Worried about his presentation?" "That's a good one there." "Is this supposed to be that hard?" "Yeah, let it set a while." "Don't worry if it burns a little bit." "That's natural." "All right, you the expert, Chantal." "Work your magic, girl, 'cause Denise's mother is coming to this bachelorette party, and if she's as stunning as Denise, I got to be sparkling." "Honey, you gonna blind their asses." "When you walk in that door, they gonna think you're Tyra Banks." "Oh, did I tell you the news?" "Leon got one of them penis pumps." "Penis pumps?" "What'd he do with it?" "Supposed to pump it up or something." "Does it work?" "Just on the tip." "Now that thing look like a portabello mushroom." "Isaac all natural." "Soon as I walk in the room, ten-hut." "GRANNY:" "You know, I'm thinking about having a little work done myself." "The other day, I got out the shower, and I bent down to reach for a towel, and I felt a sharp pain in my chest." "Shot through my chest and up around my back, down my spine." "I thought, "Oh, Lord." I thought I was dying." "I bent over and looked, and I was standing on my own titty." "You ain't have to get no breast reduction." "Just be more careful." "Both feet, too." "Both feet on it." "All right, what the hell you old hens cackling about?" "You ready to go?" "No, not quite." "I'll be ready in a minute." "She still got to set up a few more minutes." "Have some more wine, girl." "Girl, I don't know if I should." "I already had two glasses." "Oh, go on, live a little." "Make your hair look better." "Have mercy." "PAPA:" "Yeah, just like I figured." "You sit up here all day, getting sloshed and talking about us men." "Cletus, have you ever heard the expression, "mercy hump"?" "Say what?" "'Cause that's what you been getting all these years, mercy humps." "Stop it." "You out your goddamn mind." "Let me tell you something." "He ain't got nothing but a limp doodle." "(EXCLAIMS)" "CHANTAL:" "Sorry." "Gotta get you." "MAMA:" "Cletus!" "Look what you've done!" "You girls are crazy." "I'm leaving." "I don't believe it." "Oh, Cletus, Cletus, wait!" "Cletus!" "Oh, Cletus!" "Cletus, I only told her 'cause she got so much experience in sexual matters." "I ain't nothing but a big damn joke to you, ain't I?" "Tell the whole world !" "My husband ain't nothing but a big old pile of worthless crap!" "Cletus!" "Cletus!" "I'm just glad they're back in town so you can finally meet them." "I'm extremely nervous because I really want to make a good impression." "Sherman, there's no reason for you to be nervous." "My parents are very down-to-earth people, and they're gonna love you." "I guess it's not like they're rocket scientists." "Well, actuality, they are." "Daddy!" "Sweetheart!" "Great to see you." "You must be Sherman, the genius who's marrying my daughter." "I guess that's me." "They think I'm old." "They think I'm worn-out, huh?" "I'm gonna show all of them." "Screw the golden years." "And here's to youth !" "(GROANING)" "That's some nasty mess." "I don't feel no..." "(CHOKING)" "(COUGHING)" "Damn, that was some nasty stuff!" "I feel as strange as hell." "Hey, get your ass..." "Who the hell are you?" "Who you put..." "It worked." "It worked !" "(PAPA'S GOT A BRAND-NEW BAG PLAYING)" "MAN: (SINGING) Papa's got a brand-new bag" "(CHATTERING)" "(GIRL CHATTERING)" "Oh, what a beautiful bird." "Crackers has been in our family more than 50 years." "50 years." "He's older than I am." "Sherman, your fly." "Your fly." "Yeah, he can fly all over." "No, no, no, zip your pants." "Oh, my goodness." "Excuse me." "I felt..." "I felt a little breeze." "So, genomic extractions." "Fascinating." "But the whole concept of removing faulty genes must have you in an ethical quandary." "Excuse me." "Ethical?" "Oh, yes, I don't know much about "Ethicals,"" "to be perfectly honest with you." "But the "Quandary"..." "I don't like the Japanese cars." "I don't like the Ethical Quandary." "I'm a Volvo man myself." "Well, yeah." "Sherman is known as the leading expert in genomic extractions." "Give us a little preview of the speech you're going to make at the press conference." "Say what now?" "I know we would never be able to keep up, but is there some way that you could explain it in layman terms?" "Oh, you'd like me to explain to you?" "Yes." "Well, I would love to." "I would be honored." "It's really quite simple." "This corn, for instance..." "This piece of corn here can represent a strand of DNA." "And these little, the individual, the bumpy things that go..." "The Green Giant calls them "niblets." Niblets." "These niblets represent each gene, and they determine everything about you." "For instance, Mrs. Gaines, let's say if a person was to have big titties, like you." "DENISE:" "Sherman !" "I'm sorry." "Big titties." "No, breasts." "Scratch it." "Get off you." "On me." "Now, I have a big ass." "Never mind that." "What we're attempting to do here is to extract the bad, bad genes." "Extract that titty out." "And ass comes out." "And just leave the good genes, which is very simple if you think about it." "Just ignore that." "Please ignore those." "Those are the bad genes." "What I'm really trying to do is go deep, deep down into the gene structure, which oftentimes is much more difficult." "(CRACKERS SQUAWKING)" "Crackers!" "Oh, goodness!" "I'm..." "I 'mso, so sorry about that." "My pants got caught in the thing and they pulled it on out." "His wings is twitching a little bit, so he's all right." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Buddy Love." "Mr. Love." "Leanne Guilford." "Yes, Miss Guilford." "How are you?" "You forgotten we have an appointment right now?" "I had a hard time getting a cab." "I'm on my way." "I'll wait for a few more minutes and then I'm leaving." "Very good." "I'll see you soon." "All right." "Yes!" "(BUDDY EXCLAIMS)" "BUDDY:" "This is great!" "Sir, please don't do that." "It's kind of dangerous." "You work her!" "Work her!" "(BUDDY BARKING)" "Dynamite!" "Yeah !" "Hey, let me have a seven and seven." "Coming up." "You about the finest-looking thing I seen in a long time." "Well, thank you very much." "You pretty damn foxy yourself, baby." "A lot of young men are intimidated by an older woman." "Is that right?" "Well, let me tell you something." "You look pretty damn young to me." "In fact, let me tell you something, baby." "You just about the..." "You..." "Yeah, you look good." "Pretty fine." "Foxy fine and young." "Excuse me one second." "Yes, yes, yes." "Get away from my woman." "Mind your own business, Willie." "What?" "It's over between us." "He just won't accept it." "Willie, she said it's over between y'all." "Besides, you getting the wrong idea." "Outside." "Say what?" "Outside." "I'm tired of this shit." "Who you pushing?" "Not again, Willie." "Willie, what's wrong with you?" "PAPA:" "All right, enough is enough !" "This is going too damn far!" "You gonna make me have to put my foot in your ass." "I'm gonna tell you straight up." "I don't wanna have to hurt you, Pops!" "Pops?" "I'll "pop" your ass." "Would you please put your clothes back on?" "You'll hurt yourself." "You look like a roast chicken." "That was a lucky shot." "Okay, that's it." "Come on, fool." "Get your ass up." "Come on." "You're crazy." "What the hell is this?" "Am I supposed to believe that you know bujitsu?" "Sayonara, sucker." "All right." "Meter reads 3.90." "Here's 4.00." "Keep the dime." "Jerk." "The lovely Miss Guilford." "Where you on your way to?" "Home." "Home?" "What do you mean?" "We got business to talk." "All you seem to be is talk." "I'm starting to think you don't even have a formula." "Oh..." "We're gonna stick with Klump." "Stick with Klump?" "I just got off the phone with my research people in Langley, Virginia." "They're working out all the minor kinks." "We gonna have a formula any moment now." "Hey!" "Klump's formula sucks!" "All right, little man." "I've been real patient." "I told you I'd mess you up." "(SCREAMS)" "Oh, you scared now, huh?" "Bring your little butt back here." "I'm tired of your..." "Damn." "He done loosen my tooth, too." "So that's where Sherman's been hiding it." "Klumpville." "Chunkytown." "Big-ass City." "Cletus." "Cletus." "Lord have mercy." "Where have you been all evening?" "I've been so worried." "Wait." "Don't turn on the light." "Leave the light out." "Oh, Cletus, I'm so sorry about what happened tonight." "Yeah, well, Anna, you remember when we first met?" "Of course I remember." "Back at the state fair." "Why?" "Yeah, the state fair." "You was working the cotton candy." "Standing looking like an angel." "Had that pink sugar swirling all around you." "I turned to my brother, and I said three words," ""Might-y fine."" "You must've ate 1 6 cotton candies that night, Cletus." "Yeah, well, I was interested." "I was interested." "I was damn interested." "Close your eyes, Anna." "I got a little surprise for you." "Oh, Cletus." "Oh !" "Here I am." "I'm ready, and I'm waiting." "Oh, that some nasty stuff." "Okay, what you got for me?" "It wouldn't be a surprise if I told you." "Oh, you always been such a sexy devil." "Oh, Cletus, I'm on fire." "Oh, Cletus." "Hurry, Cletus." "Hurry, Cletus." "Hurry, Cletus." "Hurry." "Hurry, Cletus." "Yeah, yeah." "I've been waiting so long." "Cletus, I'm on fire." "I know you've been waiting, baby." "Oh, Cletus, this is so romantic." "Yeah, Cletus here now." "I'm on fire." "Anna Pearl, Anna Pearl." "Yeah, I'm gonna put your fire out." "It's okay, baby." "It's okay." "Anna, it's me." "It's me." "It's Cletus." "I'm just young again." "Oh, Lord, Cletus, what have you done to yourself?" "I took some of Sherman's youth juice, and it's incredible." "I got enough for both of us, too." "Damn." "Don't worry about it." "I got some more in the garage." "I'm not taking that mess." "I don't want no magic formula." "What's wrong with you, woman?" "Don't you wanna be young?" "No, I don't wanna be young." "Cletus, we're supposed to be who we are, and I'm just fine with who I am." "But, obviously, what you're trying to say is that you're just tired of the fat, old woman that you got married to." "Oh, no, Anna." "That's not what I'm saying." "That ain't what I'm saying at all." "Downstairs." "Anna, please, no, baby." "I think you better sleep downstairs." "But I was just..." "Downstairs, Cletus." "I don't wanna hear it." "Oh, Cletus, I'm so disappointed in you." "I just feel so god-awful terrible about what happened to Crackers." "Imagine what your parents must think about me." "Sherman, you were acting really strange tonight." "Yeah, I know, 'cause I drank that wine, and I had cold medicine early on." "And mixing cold medicine and wine that don't mix." "Well, cold medicine or not," "I'm really worried about you." "And I really think you should get a checkup." "All right." "I will." "Yeah, I will." "Okay." "Go home and get some rest, and first thing in the morning," "I'll make an appointment to get a checkup." "Good." "See you tomorrow." "See you tomorrow." "Sorry about Crackers." "I'm sorry." "Okay." "Okay?" "Okay." "Pervert." ""Beef in your taco."" "I'm a pony!" "I'm a pony!" "Mommy, I'm scared." "MALE NARRATOR:" "Now back to the midnight movie." "A huge asteroid, approximately 1 ,000 square miles in size, is still on a collision course with Earth." "Wellman College, Professor Sherman Klump is attempting to plant a nuclear explosive device deep within the asteroid core, which, if effective, will destroy it." "SHERMAN:" "Houston, come in." "This is Professor Klump on the asteroid's surface." "MAN ON RADIO:" "We read you, Professor." "What's your status?" "We've done dug the hole and planted the nukes." "Good." "Then get back in your shuttle and get the hell out of there so you can blow that rock to bits." "Sherman, you've got 30 seconds before that asteroid hits." "Better hurry." "The world's counting on it." "(SHERMAN SHOUTING)" "1 5 seconds." "Sherman, start the detonation sequence now." "Hello, Houston." "We got a big-ass problem." "DENISE:" "Sherman, you've got to blow up the asteroid." "Press that button!" "I can't reach it." "PAPA:" "Sherman." "Sherman, I am your father." "Search your feelings, Sherman." "There's a force deep down inside you." "Use it." "Use your force, Sherman." "Of course." "(FARTING)" "Yes." "The force is strong with you, my son." "Goddamn." "What the hell was that noise?" "I think something crawled up your force and died, Sherman." "(FARTING)" "FEMALE VOICE ON PA:" "Ten seconds to impact." "My God." "He didn't plant those charges on the asteroid." "Then where did he plant them?" "Okay." "Good-bye, Mr. Asteroid." "(SHERMAN CHUCKLING)" "This is gonna be good." "Yeah." "Wait a minute." "Did I land on the wrong..." "Oh, shit." "Oh, no." "I done blowed up the wrong one." "Good-bye, Sherman." "Denise, please don't..." "It was an accident." "Denise..." "I'm sure it'll just make a little splash in the ocean." "That's all." "See, just a little, tiny..." "Oh, that ain't tiny at all, is it?" "I am an idiot." "Oh, thank you, Granny, so much." "You are too sweet." "Yeah, that's a little special present for your wedding night." "Oh, fabulous." "Romantic and fabulous." "MAMA:" "Oh, Mama!" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "DENISE:" "Thank you, Granny." "Maybe something I wouldn't have chosen for myself." "Thank you." "Well, I didn't choose it for you, baby." "I got it for Sherman." "He's gonna be the one that's gonna appreciate the hell out of it, trust me." "Girls, I gotta go check on the rest of my surprise." "Y'all excuse me for a moment." "MAMA:" "Girls, I saw the most fabulous game the other day." "It's called Bachelorette Bingo." "Let's play." "Oh, this is so fabulous!" "(MAMA LAUGHING)" "(WOMEN CHATTERING)" "This is Miss Ida Mae Jensen." "I'm calling to confirm a male stripper fantasy, the Muy Caliente Vida Loca special." "(SNIFFING)" "Goddamn." "Yeah, that's right." "Well, where they at?" "We all ready here." "No, no." "Oh, never mind." "I see him over here now." "Okay." "Yes, we will enjoy." "Thank you." "Now, that's what I call the Muy Caliente El Negro special." "(CLEARS THROAT) Hey." "Well, hello there, stripper man." "Now, you know, I ordered the special, and you supposed to be dressed as a fireman." "Stripper man?" "Oh, stripper..." "Oh, yes, stripper man." "Well, I decided not to do my fireman dance tonight, because last time I did it, things got so heated up, kind of scorched my suit." "So I decided to do my cat burglar dance." "And I slip through the back door and I'm kind of poking around, 'cause I'm a method stripper and I want to get the right frame of mind so I can give y'all some good stripping." "You know, work it for you." "You know, you look just like Ken Norton in Mandingo." "Oh, really?" "Oh, Ken Norton..." "Oh, Mandingo." "Ken Norton." "Really?" "I guess this is the closest I'm gonna ever get to Ken Norton." "Well, thank you so much." "Thank you." "Thank you." "I wonder if you could give me a little private dance." "Oh, okay." "You want a private..." "You wanna slow down?" "Stop, stop, stop!" "I'm gonna need some space here." "You want a private dance." "Okay, I can do that." "But first I'm so thirsty." "I got a craving for some, for some red fruit punch." "Red fruit punch?" "I ain't seen none in the house, boy." "But today I seen some out in the Frigidaire, out in the garage." "Oh, there may be some in the garage?" "Well, after I quench my thirst," "I'm gonna come give you a dance." "I'll be moving like this." "You like that, don't you?" "Yeah, that's like Soul Train." "That's la vida loca." "Make this face here like I'm tearing it up." "Oh, good Lord." "You like that?" "Oh, my precious Lord." "Don't move now." "I ain't going nowhere." "I'll be right here for the Soul Train." "I'll be right back." "For the Soul Train!" "I'll be right back." "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "Oh, my goodness, is there a fire?" "Yes, ma'am, I'm afraid there is." "I don't smell no smoke." "(THONG SONG PLAYING)" "There's a fire in my pants and it's getting muy caliente!" "Oh, Lord, have mercy!" "A strip..." "Oh,my !" "My mother must've arranged this." "Where are you?" "Oh, bingo." "Bingo." "Chunky Butt, thank you so much for making this easy." "I thought this was gonna be difficult." "Chunky Butt made this a nice, easy task for me." "Yes, yes, yes." "Perfect." "Now I gotta find something to cut this with." "Maybe a little fertilizer or something." "Oh, this is gonna be perfect, Chunky Butt." "I think this will help spruce up your presentation quite a bit." "MAMA:" "Oh, Lord." "I didn't know there was gonna be stripping'." "MAMA:" "Mama!" "Mama!" "(LOVE IS A MANY-SPLENDORED THING PLAYING)" "MAN: (SINGING) Love ls a many-splendored thing" "It's the April rose" "That only grows" "Ln the early spring" "Love is nature's way" "Of giving" "A reason to be living" "The golden crown" "That makes a man" "A king" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "Oh, we gonna have the whole room smelling like ass." "Shake it, shake." "And it's like I was never here." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Hey!" "You scared me just now." "I thought you was a monster." "What are you..." "Hey, what..." "Stripper man, stripper man." "You're not supposed to be out here." "This must be your lucky night." "You're supposed to be in the house." "I'm fitting to teach you every trick I know." "I seen the way you was ogling me inside." "No, no, no, no." "I'm ogling you, too." "(SHOUTING)" "Oh, stripper man." "(YELLING)" "Oh, I feel so vulnerable." "Come on." "Let's get it on right now, right here, right now." "Oh, stripper." "Wait." "Just calm..." "Relax a second." "Now, listen." "We gonna get it on." "But not out here." "You don't wanna get it on out here, do you, in this nasty, stink garage?" "Let's go in the house in a warm bed where I can give you the shimmy." "I'll meet you back in your room in five minutes." "I ain't failing for that trick." "I'm gonna get that knot out your back." "You gonna have to give me a little sugar right now, or I'll scream." "No, no, don't scream." "Don't scream." "No, no, no." "Wait, wait, wait." "I'll give you a little kiss." "A little peck on the cheek." "Just to hold you over 'til I meet you up in the room." "Ain't gonna hurt nobody." "You're so cute." "Come here." "I want a little sugar." "Oh, God." "Oh, Ken Norton." "(BUDDY EXCLAIMING)" "(VOMITING)" "(CRYING)" "MAN:" "Folks, we want to get everybody into the presentation, so please have your press credentials ready." "Well, if it isn't ol' Chunky Butt." "Buddy, what are you doing here?" "I just came down for your big presentation." "You're not nervous, are you?" "No, I ain't nervous." ""No, I ain't." "No, I ain't." That's interesting." "Starting to sound kind of ignorant." "But don't worry." "If this professor thing don't work out, there's always room for another brother down at the car wash." "They could put a big beach towel on your ass, and you can stand in the doorway as the cars come out and dry 'em a side at a time." "That's your future." "Buddy, I notice since the split-up that I ain't really, I haven't really felt like myself." "I was wondering if you've been experiencing any changes." "Not at all." "I feel great." "Never felt better in my life." "Business is really starting to look up for me, Sherm." "Hey, you better run !" "Come here!" "Come here, pussy!" "You're a pussy!" "That's what you are." "I'll kill you !" "I'll kill you !" "Come here, you pussy!" "Sherman coming on in a minute." "Well, what channel's Sherman gonna come on?" "Anybody know?" "Have some of these brownies." "They're still warm." "Don't drop 'em on my floor now." "All right, everybody." "Sherman getting ready to come on TV now." "Everybody gather around." "You know, fame is gonna pass." "And the only thing that's permanent is family." "Ain't that right, Daddy?" "Oh, shit!" "Get your ass out that chair!" "How many times, Ernest, I gotta tell you to stay out my damn chair?" "Man." "You work on them cars all day gonna put the grease all in my chair, smear the grease there." "Gotta sit on this grease." "My gray pants still got grease all over 'em 'cause of you." "You happy?" "You got your chair." "Enjoy." "Stay out my damn chair." "Ernest, will you please tell your father to be quiet?" "Sherman's coming on." "GRANNY:" "What channel Sherman come on?" "Tell me what she just said, I'll come over there and whup your ass." "GRANNY:" "That's the channel." "Watch the damn TV." "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen for coming out." "My name is Professor Sherman Klump." "I'm a professor here at Wellman College." "Look at him." "Joe College." "Look how dashing he look." "He look just like Billy Dee." "Boy look handsome." "Billy Dee!" "Billy Dee!" "Billy Dee!" "Billy Dee!" "Billy Dee Klump." "As you all know," "Ponce de Leon searched his entire life for the Fountain of Youth." "And today we will complete his journey." "So, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you all, the Wellman College youth formula." "Maybe I need to take some of that." "It don't cure ugly." "Does Cletus know I'm strapped?" "Well, come on." "Shoot." "I'm strapped, nigga." "Come on." "Shoot." "Tell him." "I'm strapped." "And if you miss, I'm gonna finish you off." "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say nothing at all." "Well, she messing with me." "Stop the violence." "Stop the violence." "And don't say nothing." "I'm trying to watch Sherman." "Okay, cool, cool." "Boy, wound I like to throw some hot grease on you." "SHERMAN:" "This is Molly." "Molly is a one-year-old, and Petey is four." "Petey is our candidate for genetic "transmografication."" "Petey here, Petey is our candidate for genetic transmofilectesy..." "Genetic transgromanation." "The youthification." "That ain't a word." "ERNIE JR:" "How come Uncle Sherman's talking funny?" "He's starting to sound like you, Dad." "He don't sound right, do he?" "What do you mean, "sound like me"?" "What's that?" "ERNIE:" "Sherman up in a ivory tower just 'cause he went to college." "I could've gone to college if I took that damn elastic appitude test." "Hey, shut up." "What the hell's wrong with Sherman?" "You be breaking me down in front of my seed on the regular." "The reason we, he..." "We gonna make him young." "So I say, let's get it on!" "I'm gonna just give a drop of this to Petey." "We watch and see what happens." "(SQUEAKING)" "Isaac, you watching that?" "Hey, that ain't right." "Hamsters will be hamsters, huh?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(DEVICE BEEPING)" "(ROARING)" "What in blazes..." "Look at that!" "That's cool." "That's real cool." "Look at that!" "Petey!" "Down, boy." "(SQUEAKING)" "Petey!" "Shoot him !" "Shoot him !" "(PETEY ROARING)" "(EXCLAIMING)" "No, no." "No." "Please, I'm not that kind of guy." "Oh, my God." "I have to turn the channel." "I don't want my baby seeing that." "That man ain't never gonna be right again." "Somebody need to take Isaac's pressure." "Oh, what's wrong with this?" "Something like that will ruin a man." "MAMA:" "Cover the baby's eyes." "That's too much excitement for my baby." "Turn the channel." "I can't even turn." "That's nasty." "That's what that is." "MAMA:" "Turn the baby's eyes." "And he don't need to know what it is, Mama." "Now, was that supposed to happen?" "It's the lovely Miss Guilford." "Mr. Love." "What a wonderful day we're having, huh?" "Why am I not surprised to see you here?" "Well, I figured since it turns out that Professor Klump ain't your man after all, you might wanna talk a deal." "All right." "Have your formula ready for presentation on Friday." "Friday it is." "See you Friday." "Lovely dress." "I'll wear something sharp." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Oh, Dean." "I'm just trying to figure out what went wrong here." "I just don't understand." "It must've been some sort of contaminant or something." "The deal with Phleer is off." "I just spoke to Leanne Guilford." "But that doesn't bother me." "After all, what's $1 50 million?" "(GASPING)" "Dean Richmond, I am so sorry." "I'm really trying to get to the bottom of this, because this was not supposed to happen." "No, that's not what bothers me." "Deals will come and deals will go." "Wellman will always be Wellman." "But I'll tell you what does bother me." "On the way over here, a cute little boy pointed at me and said," ""Oh, look, Mommy, there goes the hamster's bitch !"" "Dean, whatever it's worth," "Petey is back to normal and feeling just fine." "Oh, yeah?" "Do you think he'll call?" "Dean, I just want to tell you, I'm sorry." "Stop speaking !" "I just want to go on record as saying that..." "I've been looking forward to saying something to you for 1 2 years." "And here it is." "You're fat!" "(GIGGLING)" "And dumb." "And fired." "Sherman." "It's not your fault." "I ain't never..." "I'm never gonna be the same again, am I?" "I'm afraid not." "Since you've separated from Buddy, 26% of your brain cells have been damaged." "When that increases to 78%, your speech and memory..." "I know." "I'll be a total idiot." "Don't you think it's time you told Denise?" "Oh, no, Jason." "I can't do that." "How can I tell her I'm losing the very thing that made her fall in love with me in the first place?" "Hi." "Sherman, what are you doing here?" "How you doing?" "Your mama told me I might be able to find you here." "I've been looking all over the place for you." "I've been leaving messages everywhere." "I went by your place." "Yeah, well, I had a lot on my mind." "You know, I walk around, going around, getting time to think." "I wonder if I can talk to you about something." "Look, I know you're upset about what happened." "But we can get right back to work with the youth formula, and I think the problem..." "No, not science." "Denise, I'm not..." "This isn't about science." "We can start completely over." "We can find another university." "After the wedding, we can even..." "That's what I'm talking about the wedding." "Denise, I don't think there's going to be a wedding." "Well, not right away anyway." "I mean, my head's just kind of messed up right now, and I don't think it'd be fair to you." "What?" "I made a mistake." "And I have to work that mistake out." "I have to live with that." "Me, not you." "See, you're so pretty, and you're so smart." "You just got your whole life ahead of you." "I just don't want to mess things up for you." "I'm sorry, Denise." "I think I'd better get going." "PAPA:" "You all right?" "Oh, I just don't understand, Cletus." "And he won't tell me why." "Anna, listen." "Sometimes a man do some crazy things, you know?" "Not that he's trying to hurt nobody." "He's not trying to tell you he don't love you." "It's just..." "Sometimes you get kind of confused, you know?" "You hear what I'm saying?" "(CRYING) Yes, Cletus, I hear what you're saying." "I'll talk to the boy." "Everything was so fabulous." "You cut out that crying now." "It's all right." "Stop all that crying." "Go clean your nose up." "Go wash your hands." "Snot all over the place looking nasty as hell." "What's this on me?" "Goddamn, look what you put on me, Anna." "What's this on me for?" "PAPA:" "Yeah, you know something, Sherman?" "The very first building I ever worked on was on this site right here." "Yep." "Isn't that something?" "It was a bakery." "Yeah." "Tore it down two years ago." "Thirty-five years later, I wind up working on the thing, building it up all over again." "Ain't that something?" "I expected the building I worked on was permanent." "But I was wrong, 'cause it ain't." "That's not permanent." "You know what's permanent, Sherman?" "You know what's permanent?" "I'm gonna tell you." "What me and your mama got." "That's permanent." "That ain't going no place." "You know what I mean?" "If you get you a woman that really, really loves you, you've got to hold on to that, Sherman." "Yeah, that's true, Daddy." "Yeah, I knows I sure do love Denise." "Well, then y'all gotta get back together then." "Get back together?" "Daddy, that's it." "Yeah." "Get back together." "If we get back together, that'll make everything okay." "Dynamite." "Go call the girl." "Say what?" "Not Denise." "Buddy." "If me and Buddy get back together, that'll make everything fine between me and Denise." "Hey, you just took the wrong off-ramp." "I can use the youth formula." "I'll feed it to Buddy." "It'll make him so young." "(EXCLAIMS) I'll turn him back into goop." "And I ingest..." "I eat it!" "I eat it!" "That's it." "Daddy, that'll work." "I wouldn't have even thought about that." "This is fantastic." "What are you gonna eat?" "Sherman !" "Damn !" "(SIGHING)" "Hello, Sherman." "I heard you were here." "Give me a minute, Dean, and I'll be on my way." "Trespass all you like." "It goes so well in court with grand theft." "I beg your pardon." "You're trying to sell the youth formula under a different identity." "Who do you think you are?" "Dean, you just don't understand, really." "That's always possible." "Then help me out if you don't mind." "Explain it." "Why is Buddy Love meeting with Phleer?" "Oh, my goodness." "I gotta hurry up." "Not so fast, pal." "I'm not letting you out of my sight until both our names are on that contract." "I'm going to be stuck on you like a giant hamster on my..." "Where you go, I go." "I have no time to stand here and argue with you." "If you wanna come along, I'll explain it to you on the way." "BUDDY:" "Ladies and gentlemen and distinguished guests, it is show time." "Now I'd like to present to you exhibit "A."" "His name is Zeke, and it is very clear that Zeke has been getting his ass whipped by Father Time for many, many years." "(COMPUTER ALARM RINGING)" "Oh, my God, Sherman." "Sherman !" "Sherman !" "Sherman !" "Hey, hey, hey, Denise." "Thank God." "PAPA:" "What the hell's going on?" "Papa Klump, have you seen Sherman?" "He's in trouble." "Oh, tell me about it." "First the boy acting crazy and called off the wedding." "Then he talking about eating some guy." "I don't know if it's something I need to talk to the boy about." "Wait." "Eating somebody?" "Yeah, he said he's gonna eat some man." "Of course." "Buddy." "Yeah, that's the guy." "What's going on between the three of y'all?" "What's this, a kind of ménage á trois?" "I know where Sherman is." "Ladies and gentlemen, if Zeke dropped dead right now, who would care?" "I would." "My point exactly." "Exactly." "That no person, no matter who they are, no matter how hopelessly disgusting their case may be, should be left without a second chance." "And that is why I would like to introduce New You, a fully copyrighted product being offered to you by the good people of Love Enterprises." "Now, if you'd be so kind, Zeke, would you drink this up, please?" "It's kind of like Mogen David, but fruitier." "Wait!" "I'm sorry to interrupt, ladies and gentlemen !" "But I cannot go on living unless I have this man inside me right now." "Steady, sailor." "What the hell is going on here?" "Well, if it isn't Professor Sherman Klump, the inventor of Jumbo the Horny Hamster." "Please!" "Buddy, I am sick and I am tired of your S-H..." "I. Thank you." "T-E." "My shite?" "Oh, really?" "Well, what you gonna do about it, Shamu?" "Tell you what I'm gonna do." "I don't have no time to play no games with your ass." "You got time to play a little catch, don't you?" "Oh, you bastard." "Buddy." "(WHISTLING)" "(CHATTERING)" "Buddy, Buddy." "Buddy." "Get it, Buddy." "Buddy!" "(TEASING)" "Hey, Buddy." "Fetch." "(LAUGHING)" "What the hell is that?" "Who's dumb now?" "Oh, Sherman." "Oh, you sneaky son of a bitch." "Oh, Sherman !" "Oh, no!" "Oh, shit!" "Everybody calm down." "This is a part of the demonstration." "Just calm." "Relax." "Everything's under control." "What the hell are you looking at?" "This is an impressive package for a toddler." "All right, Mr. Toddler." "Nothing to see here, folks." "This mutant is about to dissolve into liquid, and then the fat man is going to suck him through a straw." "Sorry, Buddy." "I just want my life back." "You don't owe him any..." "What?" "Come here." "Oh, you rotten son of a..." "Oh!" "I'm hit!" "I'm hit!" "Forget it, fat ass." "I ain't going back inside of you." "Mmm." "Got milk?" "Thank you, baby." "He's getting away." "Dean, I want that formula." "Bring me the man who made it." "I'm ready to make a deal." "Hmm?" "Right." "I'm naked !" "I'm naked !" "I'm naked !" "I'm naked !" "I'm naked !" "There he is." "What the hell is happening?" "(SCREAMING)" "What the hell was that?" "Buddy." "All right, that's it." "Slow the car down !" "Slow down !" "We can't help Sherman wrapped around no light pole." "We've got to get to him." "He and Buddy have to be combined immediately." "(WOMAN SCREAMING)" "Where's the little snot now?" "What the hell are you looking at?" "Come on." "What?" "What?" "Don't feel right." "Starting to feel a little light-headed." "If you quit now, you're gonna be empty-headed." "Come on, Klump." "Let's get him." "Get a hold of this, chubby." "(BUDDY SHOUTING)" "You got a big ass!" "What?" "Follow that ass." "Aw, hell." "Now, what's all of this?" "Move out the way, damn it!" "Wait a minute." "I think I see him." "(FARTING)" "BUDDY:" "Goddamn." "Oh, no." "Don't even think about it." "Don't you do it." "(FARTING)" "Oh, you're doing it." "(SHOUTING)" "Stop!" "(BUDDY YELLING)" "All right, tubby." "Let's see how long you last without me." "What?" "What?" "That's it?" "He's gone?" "(STAMMERING) Ah, I..." "(IMITATING SHERMAN STAMMERING)" "Oh, that's marvelous." "The deal is dead, you know that?" "I've been calling you a moron for years." "Now you're finally..." "I'll just get a cab." "(SHERMAN SHOUTING)" "Oh, Sherman !" "I raised a genius." "DOCTOR:" "No one is perfect." "SHERMAN:" "I want to be perfect for her." "DOCTOR:" "Perfect?" "JASON:" "About time you told Denise?" "DOCTOR:" "Accept the fact." "That's your future." "DOCTOR:" "You will never learn to control him till you accept the fact he is a part of you." "Sherman." "You okay?" "Gone..." "He'sallgone." "Buddy?" "He evaporated?" "Gone." "And me no smart." "Never." "No more." "Sherman, that's okay." "I mean, we'll figure something out." "There has to be something that we can do." "I want to say I'm..." "I'm sorry." "I never..." "I didn't want to hurt you." "You understand?" "I thought that if you knew that Buddy was a part of me," "I thought that you wouldn't have me then." "Sherman." "Now, hear me." "Hear me out now." "I should've had more faith in you." "Should've had more faith in myself." "But I..." "Sherman." "Sherman, what's wrong?" "Sherman?" "Can't you hear, son?" "Sherman, look at me." "Who am I?" "Pretty lady." "Oh, honey." "Oh, that's nice." "It's gonna be okay." "Nice." "I'll take care of you." "Oh !" "Come on." "Let's get the boy home." "Nice lady." "PAPA:" "Come on." "Let's get him home." "Come on." "Go home now." "Thank you." "Oh, look at the pretty water." "Oh, my God." "It's Buddy." "His DNA dispersed in the water molecules." "Sherman, quick." "What the hell?" "Drink this." "No." "Dirty water." "No." "Come on, honey." "You have to drink this." "Please." "Drink dirty water." "Look at me." "What's my name?" "Denise." "You're Denise." "Oh, yes." "Drink some more." "Denise." "Come on." "Drink some more." "What's two times two?" "Two times two is four." "Four times four?" "Four times four is..." "Sixteen." "Sherman, yes." "Drink some more before Buddy disperses." "Come on, boy." "What's your mama middle name?" "Oh, hell, no." "That ain't it." "Get a lot now." "Get a lot." "That's enough." "Pearl." "He said Pearl !" "He said Pearl !" "Anna Pearl." "Sherman, what's the square root of 2,000,602?" "That's a hard one." "4,41 4.4263855." "Oh, yes!" "Oh, Sherman, yes!" "Oh, fabulous!" "Oh !" "Dynamite!" "Dynamite!" "That's so lovely." "This go out to the new Mr. and Ms. Sherman Klump." "Hear!" "Hear!" "Come on, y'all." "Take it down." "(SINGING) A one" "Ln a million" "Chance" "Of a lifetime That sounds good" "And I" "Whoo!" "Ernie, this mine." "This mine, Ernie." "Yes, indeed." "You surely are one in a million." "And I am finally in charge, all right?" "All the way in charge." "Sherman Klump in charge." "You know I saved Sherman's life." "Cletus Klump, stop all that bragging." "Come on." "Dance with me." "Excuse us." "I'll get right back at you." "DENISE:" "Okay, you guys, you ready?" "(WOMEN SCREAMING)" "You know what this means, don't you?" "ERNIE:" "Piece of happiness to call my own." "And life's worth living again" "Anna Pearl, you are looking foxy fine tonight." "Oh !" "Yeah, you got me feeling like I'm 20 years old again." "Oh..." "Oh!" "Oh, Cletus, is that your..." "Mmm-hmm." "You damn right." "Hercules, Hercules, Hercules, Hercules!" "One in a million" "Million Make that a billion" "No, a trillion Oh, a zillion" "You, you" "Oh" "Oh, Lord, Lord" "You, you, you" "I love you, Joe College!" "(MACHO MAN PLAYING)" "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey" "Macho, macho man" "Macho man, yeah" "I've got to be a macho man" "Macho, macho man, yeah" "Klump?" "Aw, shit." "The prop's falling apart." "(CREW LAUGHING)" "You get the heart pumping with the red wine." "The better the circulation." "Pumping heart, red wine." "One and one is two." "Powerful erection." "Powerful erection !" "Oh !" "Cletus!" "(CREW LAUGHING)" "You bitches done ruined everything." "I just told you, bitch !" "I'm gonna kick your ass now!" "I'm ogling you, too." "(CREW LAUGHING)" "What have I done?" "What have I done?" "What have I done, O Lord?" "(YELLING)" "Hurry, Cletus." "Hurry." "Hurry, Cletus." "Oh, Cletus." "Lord, hurry." "Cletus, my "areolas" is gonna pop." "See you tomorrow." "See you tomorrow." "Oh, happy day Oh, happy day, happy day" "Oh, happy day Happy day" "(DOESN'T REALLY MATTER PLAYING)" "WOMAN: (SINGING) Doesn't matter what your friends are telling you" "Doesn't matter what my family is saying too" "Lt just matters that I'm in love with you" "Lt only matters that you love me too" "Lt doesn't matter if they won't accept you" "I'm accepting of you and the things you do" "Just as long as it's you" "Nobody but you, baby, baby" "My love for you" "Unconditional love too" "Gotta get up, get up, get up get up, get up, get up and show you that it" "Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing" "'Cause I'm in love with the inner being" "No, it doesn't really matter what they believe" "What matters to me is that you're in love with me" "Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing" "'Cause I'm in love with the inner being" "No, it doesn't really matter what they believe" "What matters to me is you're nutty, nutty, nutty for me" "You're so kind" "Just what I asked for You're so loving and kind" "And you're mine" "And I can't believe you're mine" "Doesn't matter if you're feeling insecure" "Doesn't matter is you're feeling so unsure" "'Cause I'll take away the doubt within your heart" "And show that my love will never hurt or harm" "Doesn't matter what the pain we go through" "Doesn't matter if the money's gone too" "Just as long as I'm with you" "Nobody but you, baby, baby" "Your love for me" "Unconditional I see" "Gotta get up, get up get up, get up, get up and show you that it" "Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing" "'Cause I'm in love with the inner being" "No, it doesn't really matter what they believe" "What matters to me is you're in love with me" "Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing" "'Cause I'm in love with the inner being" "No, it doesn't really matter what they believe" "What matters to me is you're nutty, nutty, nutty for me" "Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing" "'Cause I'm in love with the inner being" "No, it doesn't really matter what they believe" "What matters to me is you're in love with me" "Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing" "'Cause I'm in love with the inner being" "No, it doesn't really matter what they believe" "What matters to me is you're nutty, nutty, nutty for me" "You're so kind" "Just what I asked for You're so loving and kind" "And you're mine" "And I can't believe you're mine" "Doesn't matter what they say" "Because you know I'm gonna love you anyway" "Doesn't matter what they do" "'Cause my love will always be with you" "My love for you" "Unconditional love too" "Gotta get up, get up get up, get up, get up" "And show you that my love is true" "And it is just for you" "Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing" "'Cause I'm in love with the inner being" "No, it doesn't really matter what they believe" "What matters to me is you're in love with me" "Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing" "'Cause I'm in love with the inner being" "No, it doesn't really matter what they believe" "What matters to me is you're nutty, nutty, nutty for me" "Nutty, nutty, nutty my love for you" "I can't believe my dreams come true" "I've finally found somebody whose heart is true" "And best of all you love me too" "Nutty, nutty, nutty my love for you" "I can't believe my dreams come true" "I've finally found somebody whose heart is true" "And best of all you're nutty, nutty, nutty for me" "Whoa, whoa" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa" "Nutty, nutty, nutty my love for you" "I can't believe my dreams come true" "(GIGGLES)" "I've finally found somebody whose heart is true" "And best of all you're nutty, nutty, nutty for me" "Nutty, nutty, nutty my love for you" "I can't believe my dreams come true" "I've finally found somebody whose heart is true" "And best of all you're nutty, nutty, nutty for me"