"You're so lucky you get to be in Junior G.I. Joes." "Once a week, you don't have to think about what you're gonna wear, putting on make-up." "You get to go, "Today, I'm a dude."" "And you're lucky I don't want to get blood on my uniform." "Come on!" "Come on, no kitchen violence." "I haven't even had any coffee yet." "Okay, there we go." "All right." "Go on." "Ooh!" "Hey, where were you?" "Training for the Polar Run." "Ah, the Polar Run." "A thousand people chasing five Kenyans through the streets of Denver." "The Kenyans always win, but the good news is my team, the Michigan Wolver-runners, always beats your mom's team." "The Ohio State University..." "Runners." "Who have lost the race ever since we started." "How did this stupid rivalry even get started?" "Well, your dad and I had some of our alumni friends over one year to watch the Michigan/ Ohio State football game." "Ohio State crowd came over, and they were amazed we had one of those talking picture boxes." "Oh, oh, oh, and... and Michigan actually won that year." "That's right." "Yeah, so you know it was a while ago." "Ouch." "Anyway, uh, the Polar Run was the next day, so we decided to make it a friendly competition..." "Michigan alums versus Ohio State alums... and it's been a tradition ever since." "I'm surprised you don't do the Polar Run, Eve." "You never miss a chance to do something sweaty." "Well, in Rot-C, we run for God and country, not a plastic trophy of a polar bear giving me a thumbs up." "Buh-bye!" "Bye." "Bye-bye." "You know, Mike, this might be the year we finally beat you." "Team Ohio State has been working out, and you have not been training at all." "I should work my arms out a little bit." "God knows I'll be doing high-fiving at the finish line." "You are so cute when you're overconfident." " Overconfident?" " Yep." "You know our star runner, right?" "Former college track star Cathy Thomas?" "5'5," brown hair... kind of a blur as she speeds by you to the finish line?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I remember." "But admit it, if it wasn't for Cathy, you guys would never win, so, no." "Okay, I admit it." "But we have her, we are gonna win, and I'm okay with that." "All right, I'll tell you what, let's make this year's race a little more interesting." " Oh, do tell." "Yeah, go ahead." " Okay?" "Yeah, yeah." "Winner picks our next vacation." "Done deal." "You win, we go rafting." "Let's go rafting." "I win..." "We go to New York to see "Hamilton" on Broadway." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "Revolutionary war heroes doing hip hop, and nobody stopped that?" "All right, let's go rafting." "Done deal." "I'll get it." "It's probably Cathy now." "She said she'd come by to drop off the race packets." "Ask her if she wants to come in and rest her feet." "Why, because they're smoking from the run over?" "Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!" "Hey." "Ah, hi, Cathy." "Oh, did I forget to mention that Cathy's pregnant..." "With twins?" "Congratulations." "Got to use your bathroom." "Okay, sure you do." "Go wolver-runners!" "Yeah." "Ooh, yeah." "Ho." "Well, it looks like somebody finally caught her." " Hey, honey." " Hey, Mike." "Quick question..." "Midtown or Soho?" "Well, uh, quicker question... what?" "When we go to New York to see "Hamilton,"" "where do you want to stay?" "You know, I still intend on winning this race." "Mm, yeah." "Well, without Cathy Thomas, how?" "Hey, uh, Eve?" "In here!" "How fast could you run a 5K without a backpack or boots?" "Well, that depends." "Am I just trying to win or make people cry?" "What do you think you're doing?" "Hold on a second." "Listen." "How would you like to help me kick your mom's ass by racing for team Michigan on Saturday?" "Sure." "Why not?" "Wait." "Hold it." "Wait." "That... that is cheating." "She cannot run for your team." "She's not an alum." "But she got an acceptance package from the University of Michigan, so she's like a... a pre-alum, right?" "Dad, I'm not going to Michigan." " I'm going to West Point." " I know." "And we couldn't be more proud of that, but she was accepted by U of M, and according to the bylaws of this race, which I'm making up as I go along..." "You are..." "She could race for my team on Saturday, right?" "Uh, well, what if I want her to run for my team?" "I mean, she'll probably also be accepted to Ohio State." "Well, of course she'll be accepted to Ohio State." "She's got a pulse." "Oh, my God." "The point is, she hasn't been accepted to Ohio State yet." "Eve, have you checked the website lately?" " Log on." "Maybe you got in." " Don't... no, no, no, no." "If she were accepted, she'd have a packet of some sort." "I don't see a packet." "You see a packet?" "Here, packet, packet, packet." "W... no." "I'm gonna sgo check the mail." "I'm gonna check the mail right now." "There's nothing in the mail." "You'll just make something up." "I'm checking." "No!" "Listen, you said "yes."" "We're gonna do this." "Don't go to the computer!" "Wow." "Dad really wants you to run for his team." "I know." "If they ever lost, mom would never let him hear the end of it." "Exactly." "Dad's desperate, and you've got all the leverage." "You need to work this out so you can get something out of it." "Like what?" "I don't need anything." "Says the girl with the phone from the Obama administration." "Ha!" "I mean, the first one." "And, like, early." "Your phone is old!" "Geez." "Enjoy." "Ed hasn't gotten out of his meeting yet?" "Y-you've been here for hours." "It's okay." "I'm used to waiting." "This store is Eddie's first love." "I'm just his mistress." "That's not true." "It's okay." "I don't mind." "Mistresses are hotter." "That's right, store." "I said it." "Oh." "A thousand apologies." "Have you ordered yet, my dear?" "Yes, Ed." "I ordered." "I ate." "I went up and down the rock wall a couple times to work it off." "I'm good." "I was on the phone the whole time with our lantern distributor." "Ironically, he's not too bright." "Ed, you promised that this time, it was gonna be different, and yet, here we are again... you're spending all your time at work." "I know, I know." "So let's not waste the precious moments that we have." "Let's order some wine and have a bite." "Uh, actually, the... the kitchen's already closed..." "Is something I might say if you weren't my boss." "Uh, let me scrape something up for you." "Oh, that's... that's delightful, and I-I think you've just found our new ad campaign." "Oh, uh, I forgot to mention, Sheila quit today." " Our hostess?" " Yeah." "Well, did she give notice?" "Mm, kind of." "She was like, "I just won three grand on a scratcher." "I'm out, losers."" "So I'm gonna start looking for a new one tomorrow." "All right." "Wait a minute." "Wait, now." "How about Wendi?" "What?" "What?" "Me?" "Mm-hmm." "You've been looking for something to do." "Well..." "Hmm?" "...Jason is away at college, and my house is awfully quiet since my parrot escaped." "Mm-hmm." "I see." "That way, we'll be able to see each other more often." "Well, that sounds good." "Oh, I-I can't just hire her." "I would have to interview her and make sure she's qualified." "Can you walk and carry menus at the same time?" "Yes." "She's qualified." "There's a little more to it than that." "Yeah, you're right." "There really isn't." "Uh, you're hired!" "I'm sorry, but my client is not going to run five entire "K"" "for a pair of used earbuds you found in the junk drawer." "They're not junk." "They work perfectly fine." "I used to wear them to all your school plays." "Couldn't hear a thing." "Well, if you don't up your offer, I'll walk." "I mean it..." "I'll participate in the race, but I'll walk." "You already made a promise." "Is this a new thing for you... breaking promises?" "Don't answer that." "I think this is an opportunity for everyone to win." "Okay, okay, okay." "How about this?" "I'll throw this in." "What is this?" "This is a $20 gift card to the local Cineplex, which means you can go to a movie while a friend stays outside and enjoys a small sprite." "Ohh." "We are miles apart here, Mr. Baxter." "I don't think you understand." "Oh, I..." "Eve can give you bragging rights over mom for a full year." "All right." "You just can't put a price on that." "But I can... a new iPhone." "6S plus." "Trust me... with those sausage fingers, you're gonna love the big screen." "Look, you're pushing it." "My team is all you got." "The Kenyans don't need you, the guys in the toga outfits aren't in it to win it." "Well, we could talk to mom." "Well, go ahead." "Talk to mom." "She's not eligible to race on mom's team according to the rules." "Which you made up." "Which are ironclad." "You know what it seems like to me is you two are selling shoes, and I'm the only guy in town with feet." "Uh, Mike, strangest thing." "I was enjoying this beautiful evening by doing laundry in the garage, and I found this on your workbench." "It's Eve's acceptance packet from Ohio State." "That was supposed to be under the bench." "Mm." "What was it doing there?" "It was from Ohio State." "It belonged with the rest of the tools." "Well, you know what this means?" "Now Eve can run for the Ohio State University in the Polar Run 5K." "Another pair of feet just walked into town." "Looks like got ourselves a bidding war." "Do we?" "I run a chain of retail stores." "Your mom is a public school teacher." "Let the bidding begin." "Mom, hi." "Hey." "Uh, just got out of a meeting with dad." "We wrapped our negotiation, and, um I have some bad news." "He matched your offer." "Why is that bad news?" "It just means Eve will have to pick the parent she likes the..." "Oh, crap." "Yeah." "Dad is Eve's favorite." "But lucky for you, you're mine." "Or you could be." "Okay, all right, all right, all right." "Um, along with the phone of her choice, I will throw in a full data plan, headphones, designer case." "Is that in the ballpark?" "Uh, we can see the ballpark from here." "Oh, look, there it is!" "It's way over there." "I can almost walk there." "If only I had a pair of nice, new boots." "You know, hang on." "Why do I suddenly feel like I'm bribing you?" "Because I'm Eve's agent." "She'll do whatever I say." "Come on!" "Help me help you." "Don't pretend that's what this is." "Fine." "Help me help me." "By getting you these boots?" "Look at that!" "We're at the ballpark!" "All right." "All right, done." "Yes!" "Good." "Hey, hey, hey, what are you shaking about?" "No shaking." "Stop the shaking." "Uh, mom countered your offer." "We already shook on my offer." "Oh, dad, you should know by now I can't be trusted." "I'm buying the boots." "No, no, no, don't buy the..." "I'm buying the boots!" "Don't buy... don't pre... buy the boots." "Buy the boots!" "I'm buying..." "I bought the boots!" "I bought the boots!" "Yes!" "Whoa!" "What's going on?" "Oh, nothing you need to worry about." "Just go run some more." "Your agent went rogue." "Jerry Maguire here is showing herself the money." "All right." "Everybody, stop." "I-I know I got caught up in all this, but I don't like the idea of taking a bribe to race." "That's because you haven't heard any of the bribes yet." "It's not right." "I'm going to West Point." "I'm going to be a soldier, and soldiers do things without expecting anything in return." "Mm." "The patriotism card." "I love it." "Okay." "What am I bid for this honorable warrior?" "No bids, Mandy." "I told dad I would run for free..." "Good." "No." "Wha and I'm keeping my word." "What?" "I'm sorry, mom." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Heh." "Wait." "What just happened?" "An agent's worst enemy... integrity." "Enjoy your meal." "Sorry for the wait." "Hi." "Wendi, where have you been?" "I had to seat four tables." "Oh, I was upstairs visiting my Eddie." "Uh, yeah." "It's just that, Wendi, every time I-I walk into the room, you're not here." "Oh, well forgive me for spending a little bit of time with Mr. Alzate." "You know, the owner." "You are the hostess." "This is the hostess stand." "Do you know why they call it that?" "Yeah, it's because it's where the hostess stands." "The whole point of me taking this job is so I get to spend a little more time with my boyfriend." "No, no, no." "Not the whole point." "There was a little piece of the point that had something to do with you being a hostess, okay?" "I might have to talk to Mr. Alzate about this." "Oh, you should." "You should tell him your side of the story, and then tonight, while I am lying next next to him naked in the glow of beeswax candles, I'll tell him mine." " Hey, honey?" " Oh, hey." "What's wet, angry, and looks really funny in a helmet?" "What?" "You on a raft trip." "This is gonna be great." "Still have to run the race, Mike." "You have to run the race." "With Eve on my team, I can pretty much saunter..." "Till I get tired." "Then I can mosey on to the finish line." "Well, whatever happens, I am really proud of Eve and the way she stuck to her principles." "Yeah, we raised a good one there." "Three good ones." "Let's not muddy the water." "Her talking about right, wrong, and honor was, uh, really quite inspiring." "Yeah, it really was." "You know, I don't know about you, but for me, it kind of makes our silly squabble about this whole race seem meaningless." "I'm not letting you out of the bet." "Damn it." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "You got to get dressed." "We're leaving right now." "I didn't get in." "No, no, no, honey." "Your dad registered you for the race." "No, I didn't get in to West Point." "I logged onto the website." "I didn't get in." "Hey." "Are you all right?" "I'm fine." "You want to talk about this?" "No." "You want some ice cream?" "I'm not going to West Point, mom." "The whole plan for my entire life is gone." "Ice cream isn't gonna make me feel better." "Cake?" "Let's just stop the dessert talk, can we?" "Come on." "Come on." "We're Baxters." "We can get through this." "Yeah, yeah, who's with me?" "I'm not." "Nobody's with you." "And... and please don't ask her right now." "I just don't want her to feel bad." "Evie, Evie, 91% of applicants to West Point don't get in." "Is that supposed to help?" "I've been beating those numbers my whole life." "I know." "I know." "I'm so sorry." "No, you're not, mom." "You never wanted me to be in the military anyway." "So, congratulations." "You got your wish." "Listen, Eve, I know you're upset, but please don't take this out on your mother." "Oh, you're right, dad." "I should be taking it out on you." "Now you're just attacking anybody who talks." "My whole life, you said if I worked hard and played by the rules that everything would be okay." "But it's not." "It was all a lie." "Oh, no, no." "Hold on, sweetie it's..." "It's all right." "It's all right." "The world doesn't work the way you said it does." "So what the hell am I supposed to do now?" "I don't know, but we'll think of something." " It's gonna be okay." " No, it's not." "Eve, you have other options." "It..." "Mom, I really don't want to talk about this right now." "Come on." "Come on." "Give her some time." "How could she think I'm happy about this?" "I mean, I know I was scared for her to be a soldier, but I would give anything right now, anything, if they would let her in." "Honey, she's just upset, okay?" "Yeah, but honey, so are we." "I mean..." "I mean I just want to comfort her." "She won't let us comfort her." "I just want us all to be miserable together." "Well, that dream is going to have to wait." "How are you keeping it together?" "I'm not keeping it together." "I'm angry, and I feel so helpless." "Someone's..." "I feel like they're hurting our kid." "I hate feeling like that." "Mike, squeezing a little tight." "So what do we do?" "We don't do anything." "This is something only time can heal." "This really, really sucks." "This really sucks." "Maybe we could get her a puppy." "She doesn't want a dog." "I mean, I could use a puppy." "I'm not getting you a puppy." "Bunny?" "Ed?" "You... you wanted to see me?" "Yes, come in, Kristin." "Yeah." "I just want to check and see how things are going with Wendi." " Well, uh..." " Enough said." "Fire her." "Excuse me?" "You heard me." "Give her the boot." "She's up here constantly." "I can't get any work done." "I'm..." "I'm sorry, Ed." "I-I don't really feel comfortable firing your girlfriend." "Now, look." "Eddie, you in there?" "Yes." "Come in, sweetheart." "You're right." "I'll take care of it." "I'll take care of it." "What do you mean, Wendi's not working out?" "Y-you want me to fire her?" "You want to fire me?" "No, I-I wh..." "I-I just... she said she won't take your crap another minute." "Kristin, is that true?" "You know, I'm trying to defend you, but she won't budge." "Uh, yeah, Wendi." "Uh, it looks like we're gonna have to let you go." "Won't you give her one more chance?" "Ed..." "Of course not." "Your mind is made up." "You Baxters are stubborn people." "So, that's it?" "I'm fired?" "I'm sorry, darling." "We'll just gather up your things." "I'll talk to you later." "Go ahead." "All right." "I have a few choice words that I want to share with my restaurant manager here." "Okay." "That was painless." "Maybe for you." "She's gonna hate me now!" "Yeah, well, thank you, but I'm the one who's gonna have to hear about it later." "I mean, who do you think's the real victim here?" "Me, Ed." "It's still me." "Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man." "What's the most painful feeling in the world other than sliding off the seat of your schwinn onto that bar?" "Seeing your kids hurting and not being able to do anything about it." "My instinct is to try to control everything, you know, preferably with a universal remote, but there's no fast-forward button when your kid is suffering." "You've got to watch it real time, like hulu." "Now we ask God to grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change." "Then we take his name in vain when the guy in front of us stops short at a yellow light..." "Come on." "Everyone knows yellow means punch it!" "Now, accepting our powerlessness is tough, and it's especially brutal when it comes to protecting our kids, but those are the times you have to take a deep breath, trust in God, and not do anything stupid." "If you're determined to do something stupid there's a difference between drywall and a stud." "What?" "I don't know." "Look who's getting along." "Ah, well, I'm glad you two patched things up." "Yeah." "Oh, Eddie." "Women are not vindictive and petty." "No, of course not." "That has not been my experience at all." "So what, uh..." "what brings you by?" "Apparently, I don't need a reason to come by." "That's what I told her." "I felt so awful about what I did." "I mean, here you are, just trying to spend some more time with your soulmate, and I wrecked it by firing her." "You did what you felt you had to do, so let's not second-guess this thing, all right?" "I-I just..." "I felt bad because you're always talking about how... how lonely this big office is." "Where you going with this?" "So I told Wendi that you guys could actually spend more time together now that she's not slaving away in the restaurant." "What is that, now?" "We are gonna make this office more like a home... like our home, and the first order of business is to get rid of all this... stuff." "Now, that was painless."