"That anonymous telephone call was right!" "It sure was, 99." "Say, listen." "You don't happen to have a crowbar on you, do you?" "Oh, sure, Max." "Right here." "So this is the warehouse for KAOS's smuggling ring." " I know what they've been smuggling." " What, Max?" " Paper." " That's impossible, Max." "No?" "Well, then they sure know how to pack cookies." "Max, look!" " Do you know what that is?" " A cookie jar?" "No, Max." "It's an Etruscan urn." "That must be worth a fortune." "I'll bet it was stolen from a museum." "Sure, and then KAOS smuggled it over here to sell to a private owner." "That must be one of the ways that they're financing their operations." " This place must be full of treasures." " ( door opens )" "Shh!" "( footsteps approaching)" " Hello?" " Who is it?" "Is that you, 86?" "This is 74." " He sounds like 74, Max." " Yes, but you can't be sure." "Advance and be recognized." "Let that be a lesson to you." "Never let your guard down for a minute." "It could be a fatal mistake." "Of course, everyone's entitled to one fatal mistake." "Why did you jump me, 86?" "I told you I was 74." "Well, I thought it might be a trap." " But you saw my face." " Not until I hit you." "What are you doing here, 74?" "The Chief sent me." "He figured you might need help." " That's ridiculous." " Get your hands up." "Well, just don't stand there." "If you came to help, help." "( gunshot )" "You call that helping?" "Smart:" "Siegfried!" "( German accent ) Good evening, Smart." "( theme music playing )" " It's Siegfried." " Yes, my old friend and bitter enemy." "Tell me, Siegfried, why did you shoot your own man?" "Nitwit." "To save your life." "But you and I are sworn to kill each other on sight." "Why would you want to save my life?" "Because I'm leaving KAOS." " Leaving KAOS?" "Why?" " I'm fed up." "20 years I have been with them-- stealing, robbing, lying, killing, murdering-- and what did I get out of it?" "Nothing!" "Just a lot of fun." "Smart, listen to me." "Go and tell your Chief I am ready to cooperate with CONTROL." "Also, I will sell them some of KAOS's top secrets." "All right, Siegfried, I'll tell him." "But I don't think the Chief will trust you." "Give me one good reason why he shouldn't trust me." "Because you're a rotten, vicious, cruel, cunning, maniacal murderer." "All right, that's one." "Now give me another." "I don't like it, Max." "I just don't like it." "But we have to face the facts, Chief." "Siegfried did save my life." "Why would he do that?" "He's a vicious, cold-blooded KAOS executioner." "He says that he's leaving KAOS and he's willing to cooperate with CONTROL." " What?" " That's right." "He's fed up with KAOS." " Why?" " Well, last year was his biggest year." "He killed 37 people." "And they didn't even give him a Christmas bonus." "If Siegfried is on the level, Chief, think of all the valuable information we can get from him." "You may be right." "Max, where does he want to meet?" "In the same warehouse." "Well, all right, but if it's a trap and we get killed, you're fired." "Max, you know, I'm frightened." " Why, Chief?" " I'm beginning to sound like you." "Max, I don't care if Siegfried did save your life." "We shouldn't be buying information from him." " He's a murderer and a traitor." " Chief!" "Siegfried, I'm sure the Chief didn't mean anything personal by that remark." "Now look, Chief, if Siegfried has something of importance to sell," "I think it's imperative that CONTROL buy it." "How can you believe a man who'd sell out his own friends?" "Dummkopft." "Who else can you sell out?" "You can't double-cross enemies." "He's got a point there, Chief." "All right, Siegfried, what have you got?" "It's all there." "Ow!" " What is this?" " A catalog." "You pick out what you want to buy." " What is that, Smart?" " Just a little something that our financial department dreamed up." "It lists all the prices on information that's for sale." "It's called a Blue Book." "Anything interesting over there, Chief?" "I have something that would be invaluable to you-- the head of the KAOS Ladies' Auxiliary." "You can have her for 1500." "1500?" "It's listed here for 1250." "Yeah, this one is special." " Why?" " She's my sister." "Und I will give you the location of 20 KAOS agents for 500 apiece." " Make it 400 and it's a deal." " Sold." "All right, Siegfried, but before we pay," " we'll check out your information." " Chief, look out!" "Well, Chief, what have you got to say now?" "Siegfried just saved your life." "I know, Max, you're right." "I'm sorry for what I said earlier, Siegfried." " That's quite all right." " Well, Chief," "I think we'd better get out of here and check this information." "Siegfried, we'll meet you back here in exactly two hours." "Under the circumstances, I don't think it's such a hot idea to meet back here again." " He's right, Max." " We should meet someplace where KAOS would not be able to find me." "My apartment." "We'll use my apartment." "Here are the keys." "We'll meet you there in two hours." " Splendid, Smart." " Let's go, Max." "( door shuts )" "Shtarker, get up!" " It worked, Siegfried." " Ja." "Und we are one step closer to realizing our glorious plans und killing Maxwell Smart." "You should have seen the look on their faces when they thought that Siegfried saved the Chief's life." "And Smart went for it?" "He swallowed it hook, line and sinker." "I happen to be a most convincing actor." "You should have seen me in the KAOS workshop when I starred in "Killing of the Shrew."" "Uh, "The Taming of the Shrew."" "Don't tell me how to kill!" "Thank you, Lily." "Pucker up." "Shtarker, we don't pucker here." "Und Lily is my personal secretary." "This goes for you too, Lily." "We also don't..." "( smacks lips ) here." "Now go." "Practice your shorthand." "You never know." "Someday I may even want to dictate a letter." "Now once I gain" "CONTROL's confidence," "I will be in a position to execute" "Operation Big-K." "Big-K?" "The robbing of Fort Knox?" "But, Siegfried, this is impossible." "Fort Knox is too heavily guarded." "Und the more heavily guarded it is, the better." "I do not understand." "I will explain when the time comes." "Oh, hello, Siegfried." "Been waiting long?" " No, just got here." " Keys." " What keys?" " The keys to my apartment." "Oh, yes!" "All right, Siegfried, the information you gave us concerning the whereabouts of those 20 KAOS agents checked out." "Yes, and each and every one of them is in custody right now." "Und believe me, you got the cream of the crop." "What do we do now, Chief?" "The decoding machine and Siegfried's sister." "Oh, yes, where is the decoding machine, Siegfried?" "It's in the airport terminal disguised as an insurance machine." "That way our agents can decode their messages coming and going." "Say, that's a great idea, Chief." "They don't even have to come into town." "Saves a lot of time." " Und cab fare." " And cab" "Max, I'll go in my car and pick up the decoding machine." "You and 99 go in your car and pick up his sister." " I suggest you all go in one car." " Why?" "My sister works in the decoding machine." "Siegfried, you wait here, Max, 99, let's go." "One question, please." "Are you going to take my sister dead or alive?" " Alive." " Good." "Then give her my love." "All right, we're CONTROL agents and this is a raid." "You're under arrest." "Let's go, lady." "Who's there?" "That's got to be Shtarker." "Get over here!" "Now-- und remove your foot from that wastebasket." " I can't." " What do you mean you can't?" "My foot's a size 11, and the wastebasket's a nine." "Foot up!" "( echoing ) Ah, you found the hidden tape recorder." "Of course I found it." "Und you, you clumsy, you ruined a perfectly good take." " Sorry." "I'll get it right next time." " You'd better." "This will be conclusive evidence that I really intend to leave KAOS." "Now let's go over it once more." " Ready?" " Ready." "Okay." " Who's there?" " ( maniacal laughter )" "Stop it!" "Did you come here to laugh or to kill?" "I was only trying to make it sound good." "We don't ad lib here, Shtarker." "We stick to the lines." "Now do it again!" "And do it right!" " Who's there?" " It's me, Shtarker." "How did you find me, Shtarker?" "You forget-- we have ways." "So, Siegfried, you have betrayed KAOS." "What are you going to do to me, Shtarker?" "What are you going to do to me?" "Stupid!" "Before I answer that," "I want to know one thing-- have you told CONTROL about Operation Big-K?" "Oh, no!" "I would never divulge" "KAOS's master plan of the century." "Then you pull the trigger, we rub some blood on my head," "I lie down on the floor, and you leave, right?" " Right." " Okay." "I'll turn on the recorder, and we'll do it." " Tell me, Siegfried." " What?" " How was I?" " Pathetic." "Well, Siegfried, your information checked out." "We picked up the decoding machine and your sister says she'll never speak to you again." " Siegfried..." " ( gasps ) Max!" " Siegfried's dead!" " Who could have done it?" "Anybody." "Wait a minute, Chief." " We'll have an answer in a minute." " How, Max?" "My secret tape recorder." "Shtarker:" "So, Siegfried, you have betrayed KAOS." "Siegfried:" "What are you going to do to me?" "Shtarker:" "Before I answer that, I want to know one thing-- have you told CONTROL about Operation Big-K?" "Siegfried:" "Oh, no, of course not." "I would never divulge" "KAOS's master plan of the century." "Shtarker:" "That's all I wanted to know." "Goodbye, Siegfried." "( gunshot )" "Well, that's it, Chief." "They found out he was betraying them and they had him shot." "Operation Big-K-- if we could only find out what that meant before Siegfried was killed." "Chief, look, he's moving!" "He's not dead!" "You're right, 99." "He's still alive." "The bullet just grazed his forehead." "Where am I?" "What happened?" "Smart!" "You're all right, Siegfried." "One of your men tried to murder you." "Ja, I remember now." "It was Shtarker." "He wanted to know if I told you about Operation Big-K." "Big-K?" "That's the one we want to know about, Chief." "What is it?" "Those dirty double-crossers!" "Ja, I will tell you." "Money's not important." "This is for revenge." " Good." "What is it?" " $10,000!" " 5,000." " 9,000." " Six." " Eight." " Seven." " Seven!" "I don't bargain." " Go on." " K stands for Knox" " Fort Knox." "KAOS plans to hit Fort Knox tomorrow." "A full-scale attack." "Plan 45-E." "By tomorrow night, the United States will be bankrupt!" "This is the Chief." "Magenta alert." "I want every available agent to draw full weapons and leave for Fort Knox immediately to head off a KAOS attack planned for sometime tomorrow." "Right." "Now, Max, here's what I want you to do." " Chief, 99 and I are ready." " No, Max, I want you to stay with me to conduct the awards ceremony at the CONTROL Chiefs' Convention tomorrow." "99, I want you to pick an agent to stay with you and guard CONTROL headquarters." " You'll be our skeleton security unit." " 99:" "Right, Chief." "Und now, gentlemen, we are ready for our final phase of Operation Big-K." "But, Siegfried, it is impossible to attack Fort Knox." "Who said anything about Fort Knox?" "Big-K stands for Big Knockout." " Big Knockout?" " While all the CONTROL agents are waiting for us at Fort Knox," "I will drop a gas pellet at the CONTROL Chiefs' Awards Ceremony which will knock out-- get it?" "Knock out?" " all the Chiefs!" " Ah!" " Shtarker, we don't "ah" here!" "Now while they are unconscious, you kill the skeleton security unit, und we will kidnap the CONTROL Chiefs from all over the world in one swoop!" "Think of it, gentlemen-- und Lily-- a $10-million ransom!" "Splendid!" "Ooh ooh ooh, I'm sorry." "I forgot that we don't... here." "Well, once in a while it doesn't hurt." "Well, Siegfried, the Chiefs of CONTROL are really gonna be surprised when we spring you on them." "Ja, they'll be knocked out." "Just a figure of speech." "You're sure to win the Chief of the Year award this time, Chief." "Oh, thanks, 99." "I guess this is my lucky year." "You look ravishing." "Well, thank you, Siegfried." "You look pretty nice yourself." "I meant Miss 99, Smart." "Thank you, Siegfried." "I didn't know that you were from royalty." " I'm not." " Then why are you wearing the sash?" "Oh..." "( speaks German )" "I burned a hole in my shirt when I was ironing it." "Max, your flower looks marvelous." "( sniffs ) There's nothing like the scent of a fresh flower." "Uh, yes." "Well, Chief," "I think I'll go down to the lab and check my notes out." " You've got your notes right there." " Uh, yes, but they're in invisible ink." "Thank you, and good evening, Chiefs of CONTROL." "This is Max "CONTROL Award" Smart." "I wouldn't say there are a lot of Chiefs here tonight, but the only thing that's missing is a wigwam." "( laughing )" "Okay." "Now I'd like you to meet" "Mr. Harper from the accounting firm of Price, Sloan  Stern who tabulated the votes." "Oh, pardon me." "Oop!" "Oh!" "Right this way, Mr. Harper." "Terribly sorry about the blindfold, but this is a secret organization, you know." "Just sit down anywhere." "I think you'll find a chair more comfortable." "Now for the awards." "The first award is for Top Achievement of a CONTROL Scientist." "Envelope, please." "And the winner is..." "Dr. Hans Svenson, for 25 years of experimental research in the field of hormones." "Are you accepting the award for Hans Svenson?" "I am Hans Svenson." "I don't know what he gets for a house call, but it's worth it." "Now for our next award." "The next award is for Excellence in Judo and Karate by a CONTROL Chief." "Envelope, please." "And the winner is..." "from Tokyo," "Chief Sususi Sakamoto." "There you are, Chief." "I understand that your hands are like lightning, that when you hit a man they move so fast they can hardly be followed with the human eye." "That is true." "Well, I find that a little hard to believe, Chief." "I wonder if you could give us a little demonstration of your speed." "If Mr. Smart would be kind enough to help me out..." " ( audience applauds )" " I'd be most happy to." " Ready?" " Ready." "( shouts )" "Would you care to see it again?" " No, thank you." " ( audience applauds )" "And now for the Defector of the Year award." "Outside this room is a KAOS traitor, one of their top agents, who is now cooperating completely with CONTROL." "Although he is not going to get a Golden Pistol, he has received honorable mention for the Benedict Arnold Medallion." "So let's bring him in with a nice round of applause." "Gentlemen, this is Siegfried, the man whose information can help us destroy KAOS all over the world." "I wouldn't say there are many Chiefs here, but the only thing missing is a wigwam." "( laughing )" "Thank you." "Gentlemen, ladies," "I have spent over half my life working for KAOS, starting out as an office boy und part-time killer, but tonight I have reached the pinnacle of my profession." "Tonight you are about to see the tops in dirty tricks." "It's almost time." "And now... good night!" "Gentlemen!" "Our $10-million babies are ready." "Come in." "You can start collecting the bodies." "Sorry, but this isn't collection day." "I hope you realize, Smart, you just ruined a terrific plan." "How did you find out?" "It was really quite simple, Siegfried." "I knew something was wrong the minute you smelled my flower." "Because, you see, it was a fake flower, so I knew that you were wearing a phony nose." "Like this." "The old gas-mask- in-the-false-nose trick." "So I merely went down to the lab and got myself a CONTROL nose." "My compliments, Smart." "Well, this looks like the end of the line for you, Siegfried." "You'll get the gas chamber for this." "Und all because of my mother." " Your mother?" " All of this could have been avoided if not for my mother." "Because when I was a little kid, my mother wouldn't get me a sled!" "Why wouldn't she get me a sled, Smart?" "Why?" "I don't know, Siegfried." "You think maybe it was because we lived in Florida?" "( theme music playing )"