"If we're going to have a relationship, Brian," "I need to know what goes on in your head." "This is gonna be a short call." "You can't just think about me all the time." "You can't make a living just thinking about me." "What do you think about when you're not thinking about me?" "Chips." "You can't just think about chips." "Hey, Nick." "Think fast." "Argh!" "Stop playing with that, you idiot." "Not you, Brian." "What were you playing with?" " What's this?" " What's it look like?" "Either fresh broccoli or old ham." "Don't put it back." "If I don't put it back, we'll have to wash the container." " Just cos Mum's ill, you're not in charge." " No, but I can hurt you." " (Phone)" " Any bets on what this is?" "Don't." "It's just going to be Brian." " What if it isn't?" " Then it'll be for Mum." "So you'll have to find a pen and paper, write down every detail of their message only so Mum can lose it." "Then when they call back she'll say, "You rang?" "I never knew."" "You'll end up looking like a prat, cos you answered the phone." "I'm warning you, no good will come of it." " It might be for me." " Yeah, right." "Hello?" "Oh, hi, Grandma." " You're eating that?" " I'm hungry." "So is it broccoli or ham?" "Fish, I think." "Or cheese." "OK, I'll tell her." "I'm sorry to hear of your loss." "Did you know we had a 93-year-old Aunt Margaret?" " Grandma says she just died." " Oh, my God." "How?" "Kick boxing." "She was 93, Nick." "I hope I'm that active at her age." "No one talk to me, please." "I've had a completely rotten day." "Couldn't be worse than Aunt Margaret's." " That was Grandma on the phone." " No bad news for 20 minutes." "And no requests for money." " And no." "Nothing else, either." " Look." "I've made you a snack." "How are you feeling?" "I've got the chills and it's getting worse." "How much worse?" "Should I think about dating again?" " God, I hate the flu." " I hate it more." "You get to lie around." "I have to deal with the kids, play nursemaid." "There's nothing in the fridge and of course I feel your pain." "Come closer." "I'm too weak to reach out and smack you." " What the..." " I'm taking your temperature." "Next time you stick something in my mouth, I want dinner and a film first." "Susan, I'm sorry, but I've got some bad news." "Afraid Aunt Margaret has passed away." " Oh, no, not Aunt Margaret." " Yep." " Are you OK?" " Not my Aunt Margaret." "Yours." "My Aunt Margaret died four years ago." "Those bloody kids can't take a message." "We'll have to go to Leeds for the funeral." "No." "I don't want to go up there." "I didn't even like my Aunt Margaret." "She was a kleptomaniac." "When I was a kid she used to come to the house and take things." " She probably admired your taste." " The cat?" " She took my roller skates." " Did you catch her at it?" "No, too fast." "We lived on a hill." "How would you feel if no one turned up to your funeral?" "When I die I'm not going to have a funeral." "Just get a black bin liner and leave me on the kerb." "Don't be ridiculous." "There are laws against fly-tipping, you know." "When you said we should go, are suggesting you come with me?" "Of course." " But then I'm ill." " III." "Hm." "You're ill." "So, Mikey." "Michael, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey." "My son." "My boy, eh?" "Don't make me do anything we'll regret." "It's just a bit of father and son time together up in Leeds." "Just the two of us." "Have a bit of fun." "Take in the sights." " Go to a funeral." " If you like." "Sorry, Dad." "It's just too traumatic." " It's only a funeral." " I meant the father-son time." "Janey, what about a little shopping spree in Leeds?" "There's a Harvey Nics there now." "Uh-uh." "I remember Aunt Margaret." "No." "Last time she came here, you were a baby." "Grey hair in a bun, cold blue eyes." "When I wouldn't let her take my dummy, she swung me round by my teeth till I let go." " Yep." "That's right." "You do remember." " Remember?" "I'll need therapy for years." "That's not the reason." "So..." "Mikey." "Mikey, Mikey, Mikey." "Come on." "I'll give you three quid." "All right." "I'll have to go on my own, I suppose." "I'll go with you, Dad." "I think I'm free on Friday." "I'll just check my schedule." "I'm free." "Much as this might surprise you, Nick, I don't want you to come." "Come on, Dad." "You obviously need company." "And obviously I don't want it to be you." " Why go to a funeral?" " It's not that." "It's Dad." "We're getting older." "I'll be moving out, he'll be dead." "And I know which will come first." "Come on, Dad." "I just want to spend a bit of time with you." "Is that so wrong?" "All right, all right, you can come." "So do I get the three pounds?" "Harper." "Har-per." "Harper." "No." "Sorry." "You're not here." "Story of your life, eh, Dad?" "Great." "Look, I have a reservation." "I'm sorry, but there's no Harper." "Sorry, but actually, there is a Harper, here in front of you." "Oh." "Lucky me." " Dad, don't make a scene." " I am not making a scene." "We have one very small room at the back that you could both share." "I don't want a very small room at the back that we both could share." "I want the two rooms that I reserved and paid a deposit for." " Look again, please." " You've got the right hotel?" "We are part of a chain." "Maybe your reservation was in a different city." "Yes, of course, I booked the Paris branch for a funeral here in Leeds." " Excuse him." "He's bereaved." " I'm not bereaved." "I'm tired and it's late." "Would you look again please?" "Oh, yes, there it is." "Your name has just suddenly appeared, as if through a wormhole from a different dimension." "Oh, no." "It's gone again." "If you don't give me my two rooms, I shall take my business elsewhere." "That's sorted, then." "Bye-bye." "Excuse me, mate." "We'll take the one small room." " OK?" " No!" " Do you want it?" " I hate you." " That means yes." " Good." "You'll have to share a bed." "I'd rather eat glass." "I'm going elsewhere." "Are you ashamed of our love?" "And he did promise me Paris." " Mum?" " Hm?" "I brought you a bell to ring if you need anything." "I also made you a sandwich." "The cupboard was empty so I improvised, just like you." "You'll be amazed how much I've learned by watching you." "Please." "Please go away." "We've run out of tuna so I used smoked oysters." " And chutney." " (Groans)" "No, it'll build your strength." "Lots of protein." "See all the nice big chunks?" "Michael!" "I'll just leave it here for later." "So when are you going to talk to me again?" "In an hour?" "In a day?" "How about never?" "Is never soon enough?" "You just talked!" "Come on." "No bloody rooms in this bloody city?" "Come on." "Sounds familiar." "No room at the inn." "I think a room just became available." "Hello there." "Excuse me, what was that?" " Laundry." " Laundry?" "The last guest used lots of towels." "Dried himself to death, did he?" "You'll have to excuse him." "He's been... since the accident." "The only accident I had was nine months before you were born." "Shut up." "Look, I want two rooms, OK?" "They don't have to be big." "They don't need cable." "Or ceilings." "We need two rooms on this planet, in this dimension and at this present time." "I see what you mean about..." "Rita, have rooms nine and 13 opened up yet?" "Just about." "Hello." "We might not need two rooms after all." " Have a pleasant stay." " Do you really care?" " No, sir." " No?" "That makes two of us." " So what do you do?" " I work in a hotel." "You work in a hotel, I stay in a hotel." "We got a lot in common." "How high up does that tattoo go?" " None of your business." " It is, actually." "I'm a professional tattoo artist." "I'm here for the tattoo convention." "So how come you don't you have any tattoos?" "I do." "I just don't use ink." "I'm just in it for the pain." "All right!" "So you like a bit of SM?" "BD?" "Oh, SM, BD, Q." "L, M, N, O, P. All the letters." "Oh, God." "Thank you so much." "Oh, yes." "The perfect end to the perfect day." "Oh, look." "What a lovely colour scheme." "Every possible shade of cack." "Hello, Janey." "How's Mum?" "How do you know she's sleeping if you haven't checked?" "Really?" "So she's at death's door." "I'd like to say goodbye." "Switch off the telly, move your arse upstairs and go and get your mother." "I love you too, dear." "Hello, wall." " Hello, Susan." " Hello, dear." " I wish you were here." " Oh, that's so sweet." "Having a horrible time." "Horrible room, convicts have better views." "And I don't really want to guess why this phone is stuck to my ear." "That's nothing." "I'm drowning in mucus" "I have a cold sore on my tongue and I've been throwing up." "Mm-hm." "Think the romance is going out of our marriage?" "Shut up." "You went to the funeral intentionally to abandon me." "It was tricky convincing Aunt Margaret to snuff it before the onset of your cold." " I'm dying here." " Well, I'm in hell, so see you soon." "Are you trying to out-suffer me?" "Because you can't." "You've got me to talk to." "And all I have is you." "I'm really sorry about this but I think I've reached a point where things couldn't get worse." "Oh, yes, they could." "(Knocking)" "Hey..." "Oh." "Hey." "I was expecting someone else." "So was I, but your mother swears you're ours." "Good one, Dad." "Good one." "No, I've got a date with the lovely Rita." " Who?" " The bird from downstairs." " She'll be here soon." " Shouldn't you get ready?" "I am ready." "(Knocking)" " You again." " There's a little problem with my room." "What?" "Guy before not checked out yet?" "Oh, he's checked out, all right." " So what's the problem?" " I'm staying here tonight." " Oh, you miss me already." " Yes, Nick." "Nothing to be ashamed of." "Come in, roomie." " Welcome to the love shack." " Yeah." "Otherwise known as the Hotel de Smell." "At least it's got two beds, I suppose." "Look, Dad." "Your bed's broken." "Children." "Children, dears." "Can Mummy have a cup of tea?" "Children?" "Tea, please!" "Children!" "Don't ever ring that again." " Not very nurturing, are we?" " Enjoying your break?" "Actually, I'm not." "I'm bored and I'm starving." " I thought Michael made you..." " Don't remind me." "I hate being ill." "You have to let others do everything and they always cock it up." "Oh." "Oh, no." "I'm not ready yet." "Stupid Brian said he has some pills that might help." "You trust pharmaceuticals from someone called Stupid?" "No, they're really good..." "I hear." "From what you've heard, will they make me giddy and light-headed?" " No." " Then forget it." "(Phone)" "Not now." "We're busy." "Well, up yours, mate." " What was that?" " Some stupid psycho, ranting." "She hung up on me!" "She..." "I don't..." "Great." "I don't believe this." "This is a bloody nightmare." "It's not that bad." "We'll just share a bed." "That is the bloody nightmare, you pillock." "Dad, relax, man." " I can stay at Rita's place." " Really?" "What if she doesn't want to..." "Please, man, you underestimate me." "Please." "Please, man, that is impossible." "(Phone)" "If that's Janey ringing to apologise, tell her it's too late." "Damage done, OK?" "Hello." "Cool." " Right." " Was that Janey?" "No, that was Rita." "She has to work tonight." "(Giggles nervously)" " But we can snuggle up." " Oh, for God's sake." "Come on, Dad." "How do you think I feel?" "I mean, I really care about... whatshername." "And now she cancels our date for work." "You think she's going to give up her job to sleep with you?" "Well, if you put it like that, yes!" "I'm tired, it's late and I just want to go to bed." " All right?" " I know what'll cheer you up." "Let's find a pub." "You and me." "The boys." "Tired." "Bed." "Late." "OK?" "Can I have some money?" "I'll drink for the both of us." "I'll just go and wash my feet." " Room service!" " What the hell?" " You ordered champagne." " No, I didn't." " And chips." " Nick!" "Oh, my." "Been busy, I see." "No, no, no." "This is not what it looks like, OK?" "Don't worry." "We're very discreet around here." "For God's sake!" "Please, this is my son!" "I'm not here to judge." " Nick, did you order this?" " Well, you know..." "I thought it was going to be a special night." "Want me to open this or should I leave you two alone?" "Take your chips and your champagne and get out, please." "Don't worry." "He's just in a hurry to get to bed." " I understand." " No, you don't understand!" "There is nothing to understand, all right?" " You could do better." " Don't I know." "Any more surprises, Nick?" "Have you hired a gypsy violinist to serenade us?" " No." "Do they do that?" " Oh, look..." "I'm tired, all right?" "I'm very, very tired." "I've got a funeral tomorrow and I just want to go to bed." " OK?" " (Nick) Cool." "Please." "(Grunts, groans and sniffs)" "(Chuckles)" "Stop it." "I have to warn you." "I like to spread out." "There will be no spreading tonight, OK?" "If you so much as touch me, I'll kill you." "Come on, Dad." "Relax, man." "It's not the first time we've shared a bed." "Remember that night in Cardiff?" "What?" "You were six!" "You threw up all over me." "Good times." " (Laughs)" " What?" "You." "You and Rita." "Rita!" "What?" "I'm so sorry it didn't work out between you." "Me, too." "Me, too." "Between you and me, I'm pretty horny." "Nick." "Nick, don't do that." "Nick, take your hand off my..." "Whoa!" "(Both scream)" "Oh, hi, Rita." "Rita, this is Dad." "Dad, Rita." "This is Nick's mum." "Couldn't you at least pretend to be a bit jealous?" "OK." "Sorry." "Sorry, I tried." " What's that?" " Flu medicine." " Flu medicine?" " From one of Janey's friends." "Susan, you are not supposed to take unprescribed medication." "I don't think they write prescriptions for these!" "Oh, my God." "Oh, look." "There's Uncle Bill." "Hello, Uncle Bill." " I'm going to pay my respects." " Susan!" "Susan!" " What are you doing?" " Signing the guest book." ""David Beckham and Victoria Adams."" "I thought we'd give them a bit of a thrill." " (Susan giggles)" " Hello." "That's my wife." "She's laughing on the outside, but deep down she's crying." "(Laughs hysterically)" "Well, we have to remember," ""Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."" " Matthew 5:6." " Nick, 6'2"." "So where's the food, man?" "Coping with death is never easy for some people." "In my case, neither is coping with life." "Ben!" "Ben!" "Ben!" "Ben!" "Susan, I'm right here." "You don't have to whisper like a frog on heat." "But you were right!" "You were right!" "Aunt Margaret was a kleptomaniac." "You remember those cufflinks I bought you all those years ago?" " I try not to." " Uncle Bill was wearing them." "He said Margaret gave them to him." "Maybe she did." "You're not the only person to have bought them." "One of them was missing the zirconium stud that got lost when little Nick swallowed it and we had to put him on the colander." "All right." "Yeah, I couldn't eat pasta for a year." "It was so sweet." "It was like panning for gold." "This is not a memory I want to relive at this moment." "But Aunt Margaret stole them and gave them to him." "What do you want me to do?" "Wrestle a bereaved octogenarian to the ground to retrieve a cufflink that passed through our son?" "My relationship with your aunt was based on lies and deceit." "You didn't have a relationship." "I might have if she hadn't been a thief!" "Calm down!" "This is the medication talking." "You're right." "You're right." "I'm going to reconnoitre." "You're not going to..." " You're..." " Ben." " No, don't tell me." " I just did." "No, no." "You're Sophie's boy." "I'm Vivienne's boy, actually." "Don't you think I know my sister's name?" "Katie, you remember Sophie's boy." "Oh, yes!" "It's Ralphy, isn't it?" "It is." "It is." "Hello." "Hello." "Father Boyle." "Look who got out of jail." "Boo!" "Sorry, Mum." "I just had to do it." "Look." "Look what she's wearing." "Mum, she's dead." "I don't think she's going for a fashion statement." "No, no, on her wrist." "Your father bought me that on our first anniversary." " I've looked for it for years." " Uh-uh." " She's not going to need it." " Don't go there, Mum." "Cover for me." "I'm going in." " Mum?" " What?" "Where did you get those pills?" "My name is Harper, all right?" "Ben Harper." "I swear." " Don't take the Lord's name in vain." " I didn't take it in vain!" " But you were thinking it!" " Shut up!" "Nick, would you tell them what my name is, please?" "Tallulah." " What sort of an answer is that?" " What kind of a question is that?" "My name is Harper, all right?" "I'm telling you." "Ben Harper." "Now you're lying to a priest." "Ralph, you're going to hell." "Too late." "I'm already there." "Excuse us." "Great funeral." "Tallulah, Morticia." "I'm leaving you two now." "You embarrass me." "Shame on you both." " What have you done?" " It was the medication." "Oh, God!" "I was paying my last respects and it leapt into my hand." "I don't care if it pole-vaulted up your arse." "Put it back." "It's the bracelet you bought me on our first anniversary!" "Remember?" "We had no money, but you bought it for me anyway." " I feel so guilty." " Shh!" "Susan..." "This is not the one I gave you." " Yes, it is!" " It's not the one I gave you." "Ah, look. "To Archie, love Ralphy."" "Oops." " At least Ralphy had good taste." " You have to put it back." "No, no, no." "You took it, you put it back." " (Coughs) I have the flu." " You're frightened she'll catch it?" "Look at the face of the sad little clown." " Give me the pills." " No!" "Give me the pills!" "Give me the pills and I'll put it back." "Fine." "Fine." " I'll stand guard." " You will sit there." " I..." " Sit!" "(Sobs)" "They were so much more than nephew and aunt." " Got it?" " I can't get it on." "Just unhook the clasp!" " (Sobs)" " Come along." "Come along." "It'll be OK." " Is he all right?" " Yeah." "I swear, I just can't take them anywhere." " So what's for supper?" " Pasta." "Ah, good." "That sounds... safe." "Hand me the colander." "Shall we order takeaway?"