"Hello?" "Yeah, hold on." "Mike." "Ow, what the hell?" "I don't like people calling here this early." "I don't like wearing a hockey helmet to bed." "Merry Christmas." "Hey--hey." "Honey, can you throw me my watch?" "Nice." "All right, I'll pick you up in 15 minutes, all right?" "Watch what you're doing!" "Hey, Sommariba, do me a favor." "I'm running late." "Sign me in, okay?" "Just sign me in." "Nobody's gonna find out about it." "I do it all the time." "Put pip on." "The next couple of weeks I'm gonna be Ben Kingsley." "Frank, what are you doing?" "I'm looking for pip." "Hey, did Ruben find pip yet?" "Because he's got a lead in the French tourist case?" "This entire city suddenly drinking retard juice?" "Hey, billy bob, move your ass!" "You're blocking the whole intersection, numb nuts!" "Yeah, nice!" "Real nice!" "Hey!" "What?" "You just ran a red light back there, all right?" "And you're way over the speed limit." "Hey, you got radar on that thing?" "Buddy, I don't need radar." "Nice socks, by the way." "Let me ask you something." "They teach you to ride in academy or did you already have that particular skill?" "All right, step out of the car, sir." "I'm gonna reach down here in just a second." "Hang on, I want to show you something." "Twenty-first precinct, and your balls are hanging out." "What am I saying?" "You're a bike cop." "You don't have those." "Bye-bye." "?" "Modern day America?" "Harrigan, you fat pig!" "You know, I'd kick you in the ass if I wasn't afraid of losing my shoe!" "Hey!" "I'm on the phone with day care people over here!" "He ate my muffin!" "Where's pip!" "Took it right off my desk!" "Pip!" "Ah-- did you eat my muffin?" "I eat a lot of things during the course of a day, tommy." "If you want me to keep track that's fine." "But it would be very labor-intensive." "His stuff's on his desk." "Where the hell is he?" "Pip!" "What?" "You looking for pip?" "Yeah." "He's looking for you." "He say he's got a lead on "ironsides."" "Where is he?" "He's probably in there with my muffin!" "What the hell is this?" "Almond maple roast." "It's the newest flavor." "When did baskin-Robbins go into the coffee business?" "What took-- ahem!" "Ah, don't tell me." "Somebody stole your golf course." "Uh, these are the gentlemen from Nintendo, here to teach the squad the difference between real" "Pokemon cards and the fake." "Pokemon." "What?" "Po-ke-Mon." "I said that." "You're kidding me." "No, no, no, no." "It's an epidemic." "Right this way, gentlemen." "I want a word, McNEIL." "Now the rest of you set up a time to watch the surveillance tape." "McNEIL!" "Yeah, talk to, uh, uh, uh-- rice and beans." "Sommariba and Rodriguez." "Son, I've been a cop for 36 years." "I can't remember any more names." "What you got for me on the French tourist case." "Now you know how many times the commissioner's office has called me this morning?" "Eight!" "Well, um, we're talking to a guy that, uh, we think can lead us to a guy that we think maybe did it." "Lieutenant, I got the commissioner's office on three." "I can't wait to tell him the good news!" "We're waiting for a guy who's looking for guy who might be with a guy who's, who's finding a guy." "Where the hell have you been?" "What?" "In the bathroom." "You didn't check the head?" "I did." "I opened the door and called in." "You didn't hear me?" "I heard you." "Then why didn't you answer him?" "I didn't feel like it." "Didn't feel like it." "I wake up in the morning, my wife's yelling at me, my kids, come in here, the phone's ringing off the hook." "I decided I needed some quiet time." "Just for me." "Pip!" "Where you been?" "I was taking some-- no, no, no, no, get out here!" "Nobody answer that!" "See this!" "I am shooting the next person that takes food off my desk." "I don't know why he started calling me pip." "I'm watching this old variety show on cable the other night." "Yeah." "I don't look like either one of them." "There are two pips?" "Yeah." "Two or three." "You don't know for sure?" "Well, they were moving kind of fast, and your eyes are naturally drawn to Gladys, that's the whole point." "You need to lighten up on the mints, Elvis." "Okay, mom." "Why are you still taking those things, huh?" "I ain't no doctor, but I hear before you take painkillers, you're actually supposed to have this thing called pain." "I have pain." "Where?" "Well, there's the one in my ass-- that would be you." "And there's the one in my shoulder, which happens to be killing me right now." "Yeah, well, one day soon I'm getting rid of that box." "Yeah, let me tell you something:" "that box and a bottle of bushmills is the only thing keeping me from taking a hostage, okay?" "Showtime." "Hey!" "Ironsides!" "What's he doing?" "I think he's trying to get away." "No, no, hey, let's-- give him a head start, make it interesting." "He's going downhill, mike." "Son of a bitch." "Now we gotta run." "Bet those cigarettes would come in real handy right about now." "Yeah, yeah." "I bet this don't look too good." "Two able-bodied men chasing a legless guy down Amsterdam avenue." "Tell you what ain't gonna look too good-- if he gets away." "Pull over, man!" "Get out of the way!" "Police, police!" "Ironsides." "Ah, man." "Pull over!" "Hey!" "Ah!" "Watch it!" "You crazy or something?" "Here you go, young man." "You want another one?" "Thank you, thank you." "Man, you stink." "You're disgusting." "Oh yeah." "When was the last time you had a bath?" "I take a lot of baths." "I got a lady friend takes care of me with a sponge." "Oh, dream job." "Where's Kaleel o'hala?" "You looking for a black man, so you come after me?" "I know what that is." "I read it in the newspaper." "That's racial profiling." "Damn straight, it is." "Yeah, see, I'm looking for a black guy, I don't go asking elderly white women." "I go right to other black guys." "Saves a lot of time." "It's like the Puerto Rican day parade." "Who am I gonna pick up for smoking weed at that particular event?" "Little hint, not Italians, okay?" "Then again, come march 17th, who am I gonna run in for beating up his own cousin and puking up green beer all over fifth avenue?" "Another little hint, not Puerto Ricans!" "Where is he?" "Hey, we need you." "What's this?" "Your turn's coming up." "You got to watch the tape from two to three, okay?" "What tape?" "We got somebody in the building on 69th." "They're throwing cans of van camp's pork and beans out the window, trying to hit their neighbors." "Van camp's pork and beans?" "Okay, I'm just spit balling here, but, sounds like it might be the work of an anti-Semitic person or group." "The pork?" "We set up a surveillance camera at the building yesterday, so now we have to watch the tape." "Lieutenant wants us all to take one-hour shifts, so I've put you down from two to three, if that's okay." "Why don't you put me down all day, eight to four?" "Really?" "No." "I found out where o'hala's hanging out." "We need you guys to come back us up." "Mikey." "Yeah." "Wife's on three." "Okay." "Downstairs in five?" "Yeah." "Hey, Rodriguez." "Stop talking so much." "You're bugging me." "All right, you take care of yourself." "Hey." "Hey." "Can you come home tonight?" "Why?" "What's wrong?" "Mikey's sick." "Is he okay?" "He's running a fever." "Flu's going around school." "What time?" "Oh, it'll be late." "Better late than never." "Mm-hmm." "Are you smoking?" "What?" "You sound like you're smoking." "I sound like I'm smoking?" "You're making that sound." "I haven't had a cigarette in over two weeks." "Okay." "See you later." "Okay." "Bye." "What?" "Your girlfriend called." "She said she hopes you're not mad, but she's gonna call your wife and tell her everything." "When?" "I'm kidding." "She did call, though." "Don't forget to pick up your tickets to the ballet." "Ballet?" "Mm, I love those skinny little broads." "Glad you guys find it so funny." "All right." "Let's just hang and see what happens." "Okay." "Hey." "Almond joy?" "I got the small ones." "You all right?" "Can I ask you something?" "Yeah." "Do I look okay?" "Yeah, you look fine." "I look all right?" "What do you mean?" "Yeah." "Last night I'm getting in bed." "Yeah?" "And my wife said-- what?" "She says my ass looks fat." "I'm not getting involved." "I'm asking you as my best friend." "Does my ass look fat?" "Well, how should I know?" "I never look at your ass." "Okay, look." "I'll get out the car, walk around front." "Yeah?" "You just take a look at the ass." "What, wha?" "Just tell me what you think." "Pip." "Hey!" "Get in the car, pip!" "Pip." "I don't believe this." "Get in the car, pip." "Well?" "You know, this is, this is how it starts probably." "You know, it starts with us talking about your gigantic ass here in a car, and then in about a month we're sitting on a couch somewhere holding hands and watching "the wizard of oz" on dvd wide screen." "What?" "Gigantic?" "Oh, no, no, man." "No, that's not, sorry, buddy." "That wasn't what I meant to say." "You're not fat, man." "You're not." "You know, you're, uh, you're, uh, big boned." "Big boned." "That's a good thing, man." "There's a lot of good-looking big boned people." "You know?" "What the hell am I saying?" "You know what?" "We're not talking about your ass ever again." "Don't bring the ass up in the car!" "You're worried about how big it is, stop eating." "Look." "Thank god." "We got them." "Move." "Here we go." "Hey!" "Okay, stop!" "Hey!" "Hey you, Kaleel!" "Freeze!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Kaleel!" "Freeze!" "Police!" "Police!" "You've got nowhere to go, pal!" "You okay?" "Yeah." "I just pulled a hamstring." "You sure?" "Yeah." "Tomorrow you're going to a doctor." "Pulled a hamstring." "It's catching up with you, man." "You can't be smoking, drinking, and self-medicating every day!" "You're living with two women, mike!" "This stuff is biblical!" "You're going for a checkup." "Tomorrow." "You know what?" "If there's something wrong on the inside, why is it I look so good on the outside?" "Because you're Satan." "Could be." "I know you did it, Kaleel." "But, it's cool." "I'm not pointing any fingers." "It's not your fault." "Your parents." "Those are the ones I blame." "Probably a couple real jerk-Offs, right?" "They're dead." "You kill them?" "Died when I was a baby." "I believe you." "Just saying." "Whoever it was raised you did a lousy job." "They're the ones." "They're the one deserves a chunk of lumber off the back of the head." "Yo, you watch your mouth about my grandma!" "I don't talk to no police." "Ma'am, please, please!" "Go ahead and shoot me!" "That's what you want to do anyway, isn't it?" "Good for nothing police." "Ma'am, we need to talk to you about your grandson." "You shot him, didn't you?" "This time, no." "That boy is nothing but trouble." "I hope he's dead." "'Cause if he ain't, the next time I see that little crack-headed son of a bitch, I'm gonna kill him myself!" "Well, actually, he was hit by a subway train." "He-he-he is dead." "Oh, oh, oh no!" "Oh, sweet je--oh, lord!" "No!" "That's it, let it out, let it out, let it out." "Let it out, let it all out." "Okay, we gotta go." "I'm very frustrated, Kaleel." "I know you did it." "You know you did it." "But you ain't telling me you did it." "So you're forcing me to take a very drastic course of action here." "I don't want to, but you leave me no choice." "Yo." "Kick my ass from here to Paris." "I don't care." "I know you don't care." "And that's why what we, uh, decided to do is-- we brought your grandma down, and, uh, we're gonna kick her ass instead." "You don't believe me, right?" "Pip." "We start with mostly, uh, soft tissue stuff, and then, of course the longer you don't talk, well, the rougher we have to get." "Lord!" "You a knicks fan?" "Please, lord!" "Yo, who is that?" "You don't know?" "I ain't telling." "Yo, you messing with me, man." "Well, actually, Kaleel, I, uh, I think we're messing with your grandma." "Mike, grandma's out of control." "We need some help." "Well, I guess I could go in there and put a couple shots in." "You're gonna be okay here, right?" "McNEIL, you can't do this." "I mean, this is wrong." "And when internal affairs finds out, you're going down, not me." "We're about the same size." "What are the odds?" "Okay, okay, I did it." "You ready?" "Yeah." "Good." "Okay, mike, get some rest, okay?" "All right, man." "Nice work today, mike." "Yeah." "Remember, if anybody asks, I was here all night." "That's right." "Drive careful, guys." "Hey, headed home?" "Yeah." "Grab a chair." "I only got a sitter till midnight." "So... couple months from 40, Jan." "Knock on wood." "What's that supposed to mean?" "It means what it means." "I pulled a hamstring." "Don't give me this, Michael." "You had some sort of a cardiac episode today-- come on, stop." "Don't start." "That normal people go to the doctor for." "Stop hounding me." "Hounding you?" "Let me explain something." "You know, when you've been on the job as long as I have, after a while, all these days, they start to feel just exactly the same, you know?" "Knock down one bad guy, another one gets back up right in his place." "So, you learn to have some fun." "Oh, fun." "You know, 'cause the money we get paid, you don't have fun, what's the point?" "Yeah, and, I mean, hey, let, let me see if I get "fun."" "I can't catch the bad guy, so I should go out drinking every night." "Oh, here we go." "Or maybe I should go play around with my girlfriend in the city while my wife is out in the burbs asleep." "What are you, eight?" "Wake up, Michael." "You got a tough job." "You can't handle it?" "Turn in your badge, get some work as a crossing guard." "Yeah, maybe I will." "I hear they got a great dental plan." "You don't have the right to screw up your children and disrespect a good mother just 'cause you hittin' middle age and your hairline's receding." "Hey, I'm turning 40." "Middle age is like 52." "Oh, really?" "How many guys do you know that live to be 104?" "And let me tell you something." "The rate you're going, 52 is gonna be a lucky roll of the dice, and I don't need to be sitting at your funeral." "Now, you got problems, you blame it on the booze, or the pills, or your guilty Irish conscience, because it's not the job, Michael." "I watched you tonight." "I think the only thing you really love is being a cop!" "I didn't mean to come at you so hard." "I'm a little pms'd." "Goodnight." "Hey." "Oh, you're up." "Yeah, I guess." "Got the, uh, the guy that killed that French lady today." "That's good." "How's little Mikey?" "He's asleep--benadryl." "Good." "Want to fool around?" "Sure." "Take a shower." "You smell like egg rolls." "Sommariba, are you awake?" "Too bad--look, you were in that Pokemon meeting this morning, right?" "Okay, how do you tell the fakes?" "Hold them up to the light." "Okay, I got a, I got a charizard." "Yeah?" "And I got a, uh, let's see," "I got a jiggleypuff." "J-I-double-g, I-e-y, puff." "Can't do this to me." "I am not a P.O.W." "This is not Vietnam!" "Hey, how do I know if this is a tape?" "This could be a still photo for all I know." "Get all the bike cops." "Round them up, bring them in here, make them watch the tape." "This is why I became a cop." "Here it is, right here."