"Maria." "Commissioner Dreyfus." "Yes, my darling." "I was just about to call you." "I'm on my way." "I've got the cheese and the Beaujolais." "What?" "My love, kiss the children for me." "Hold on." "Yes?" "Your wife is on the other line." "Tell her I'm out of town." "Yes, my love?" "I'll be with you in 20 minutes." "Monsieur Dreyfus." "Monsieur, a catastrophe!" "We've just had a report of a shooting at the Chateau de la Pierre Blanche." " So?" " Monsieur Ballon!" " What?" "Ballon, the millionaire?" " Yes." "That is a catastrophe." "It's not so much the shooting that is a catastrophe." "When the report came in, there were few details." "Just that someone had been shot and the address." "At first I didn't realize it was the home of the millionaire Ballon." "So?" "I made a terrible mistake." "Who did you assign to the case?" "Clouseau." "Oh, my God." "Inspector Clouseau." "Good evening, sir." " What is your name?" " My name is Henri LaFarge." "Make a note of that." " You are the butler?" " I am the head butler." "Head butler." "Cross out "butler" and put down "head butler."" "This is Monsieur Ballon." "Monsieur Ballon, it is a great honor." "Oh, excuse me." "I am Inspector Clouseau of the Sûreté." "I must apologize for my appearance." "I had a slight accident." "Would you like a bathrobe?" "No, nothing at all." "It's a little dampness." "It will soon go." "Monsieur Ballon, you reported a shooting." " I didn't." "Maurice did." " Maurice?" "Yes." "He's guarding Maria." "I was at the airport at the time the shooting occurred." "I just arrived." "Of course." "I shall have this case cleared up in a few seconds." "Would you like to examine the body?" "I would be delighted." "This way, sir." " You are Maurice?" " Yes, monsieur." "Monsieur Ballon said you were guarding someone." "Yes, monsieur." "This pen has been fired recently." " And you are?" " Maria Gambrelli." "I am Inspector Clouseau." "How do you do?" "See what else you can find." " What are you doing?" " I'm taking the gun, Inspector." " This is my pistol pen." " I know." "Get your own, please." "This is my own personal one." "Don't look in here." "Look outside." " What did you say?" " Nothing, monsieur." "You can go." "Now, then..." "Please." " You found the body?" " Yes, monsieur." "A friend of yours?" " Any idea who killed him?" " I've no idea." " She killed him." " What?" " That's not true." " She says it's not true." " She is lying." " You watch your tongue." "I heard four shots." "You heard four shots." "You did not see four." "I am sorry." "You did not see these four shots." "No, monsieur." "Then you could not possibly know who fired those shots." "The door was locked from the inside." "What does that prove?" "When I broke it open, I found Miguel where you see him and Maria with a gun in her hand." " With a gun in her hand?" " Still smoking." "Did you have the gun in your hand?" "Was it still smoking?" "I suppose so." "But I don't know how it got there." "I really don't!" " Ridiculous!" " I will decide what is ridiculous." " You surely don't believe..." " I believe everything." "And I believe nothing." "I suspect everyone." "And I suspect no one." "I gather the facts, examine the clues, and before you know it, the case is solved." "There is much here that does not meet the eye." "That is quite obvious." " What was that you said?" " Nothing, monsieur." "All right, you can go now." "Yes, monsieur." "But do not try to leave." "Everyone in this household is under suspicion." "Yes, monsieur." "Now, supposing you tell me what happened." "He was having difficulty with the buttons." " Buttons?" " The buttons on my dress." "That is very strange, because there are no buttons on this dress." "That is because he was having difficulty with them." "So he just tore the dress off." "He attacked you?" "Oh, no!" "I would have helped him, but he couldn't wait." "The buttons are probably all over the room." "He was so impetuous." "A passionate Spaniard, you know?" "And he tore your dress off?" "Yes." "Then suddenly someone opened the door." "Miguel leapt up and..." "That is the last I remember until Maurice came in and found me with a gun." "Yes." "There is, if you will excuse me, something here I do not quite understand." "What don't you understand?" "I don't understand when you say that you don't remember." "I guess I was unconscious." " Unconscious?" " I have a bump." "Bump?" "Where?" "Let me see." "Oh, yes!" "I don't know how it happened, but it is so painful." "That is beautiful perfume you're wearing." " It's bath oil." " Is it?" "I really can't figure it out." "Someone must have hit me." "You have received a mild concussion." "You have cream on your nose." "What?" "Oh, it's nothing." "It's from that thing over there." "You're all wet!" "Is it raining?" "No." "That stupid driver of mine parked too close to the fountain." "You should get out of these clothes." "You'll catch your death of pneumonia." "Yes, I probably will, but it's all part of life's rich pageant." "We police have to put up with a lot of things because of our duties that in private life one wouldn't normally tolerate." "Why don't we have a smoke?" "Helps to calm the nerves and enable us to think more clearly." "Lovely perfume you're wearing." "That's not perfume." "That's bath oil." " Oh, is it?" "It's very beautiful." " Thank you." "I still smell it." "Now, where were we?" "My bump." "Bump, right, that you received when somebody hit you." "At least we presume somebody hit you." "How else could it have happened?" "In the police force, first we presume." "After, we find out." "That is the way we always work." "If we work the other way..." "Goodness, it's stuffy in here." " Your coat!" " Yes, it is my coat." "But it's on fire!" "What?" "My coat is on fire!" "My goodness, I'm burning!" "Clouseau?" "He fell out of the window!" "Clouseau?" "Are you all right?" "Yes, I am perfectly all right." "Thank you." "In that case, you may go home." "Go home?" " You are relieved." " Relieved?" "I am taking charge." "Good night, Clouseau." "Good night, sir." "I'm sorry." "You idiot!" "You fool!" "It's good I was able to check my reflexes." "I might have killed you with a karate chop." "You fool!" "Just for that, you're off the case." "Back to town." " When can I have the report?" " First thing in the morning." "Thank you." "Excuse me." "Monsieur Ballon?" "I'm Commissioner Dreyfus." "Where is Inspector Clouseau?" "I am personally taking charge of this investigation." "I promise that you and Madame Ballon will be inconvenienced as little as possible, and the Ballon name will not suffer the sensationalism of the press." "He was a strange fellow, but I rather liked him." "I mean Clouseau." "Yes." "He's an extraordinary man." "Inspector Clouseau's residence." "One moment, please." "Commissioner Dreyfus." "Hello." "Inspector Clouseau here." "Get down here immediately." "You're back on the Gambrelli case." "The Gambrelli case?" "Maria Gambrelli." "The maid who killed the chauffeur." "Oh, Maria Gambrelli, the maid." "Yes, excellent." "I'll be there right away." "Thank you." "Kato, I am back on the case." "I tell you, Maria Gambrelli is beautiful." "Innocent." "That was a good workout." "You're showing marked improvement." "Every day you're getting better." "Facts, Hercule, facts." "Nothing matters but the facts." "Without them, the science of criminal investigation is nothing more than a guessing game." "You listen to me and you will learn something." "Now then, the facts in this case are..." "The body of the chauffeur was found in the bedroom of the second maid." "Fact!" "Cause of death..." "four bullets in the chest." "Fact!" "The bullets were fired at close range from a.25 caliber Beretta automatic." "Fact!" "Maria Gambrelli was discovered with the murder weapon in her hand." "Fact!" "The murder weapon was registered in the name of the deceased, Miguel Ostos, and was kept in the glove compartment of the Ballon Rolls-Royce." "Fact!" "Members of the household staff have testified that Miguel Ostos beat..." "Careful, you fool." "You've broken my pointing stick." "I've got nothing to point with now." "...have testified that Miguel Ostos beat Maria Gambrelli frequently." "Finally comes the sworn statement of Monsieur and Madame Ballon, as well as all the members of the staff, each of them with perfect alibis." "Hercule, what is the inescapable conclusion?" "Maria Gambrelli killed the chauffeur." "What?" "You idiot!" "Impossible!" "She's protecting someone." " How do you know that?" " Instinct!" "But the facts." "You are forgetting the most important fact... motive." " He beat her." " He was Spanish." " He tore her dress off." " Don't be ridiculous." "Would you kill somebody who tore your dress off?" " I suppose not." " Of course not." "No." "There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever, Hercule." "Maria Gambrelli is most definitely protecting somebody." "Find that somebody, and you have found the murderer." "I shall find the murderer before the day is out." "Maria Gambrelli will tell me who he is." "Oh, yes." " What was that you said?" " Nothing." "I see." "All right." "You can go, Hercule." "I don't understand." "Why did you reassign Clouseau to the Gambrelli case?" "That is a good question, and it deserves an answer." "What I'm about to tell you must remain in the strictest confidence." "This morning at 6:00 I received a phone call from a superior." "I was informed that certain extremely influential parties were interested in having Clouseau back on the case." "I had no choice but to comply." "Amazing." "If I were to divulge the identity of the caller, you'd realize how amazing." "But why?" "That's another good question." "And for that, I have no answer." "They're bringing in the Gambrelli woman." "Sit down, Miss Gambrelli." "Sit down, Miss Gambrelli." "Now, where were..." "Good morning, monsieur." " Good morning, Miss Gambrelli." " Good morning." " You slept well?" " No." " Wonderful." " It is not easy to sleep in prison." "It isn't?" "No, of course it isn't!" "We shall have to do something about that, won't we?" "Stupid box." "But anyway, first a few simple questions." "Is it all right if I smoke?" "Yes, of course." "Have one of mine." "Thank you." "Well, have one of mine." "Thank you." " Very, very kind of you." " That's all right." "Allow me." "Thank you." "Other way round." "Tastes very bad when you do that." "Well, now..." "Are you comfortable?" "They should have chairs like this in the prison." "Yes, most certainly." "The furniture is deplorable, extremely bad taste." "Terrible." "One might as well sit on the floor." "It's really time somebody did something about it, don't you think?" "Sure." "I will do something about it this very moment!" "Give me the prison superintendent immediately." "Yes, sir." "Sometimes it's necessary to cut though the red tape and strike at the heart of the matter." "Prison is bad enough without uncomfortable furniture." "Yes?" "Superintendent, this is Inspector Clouseau." "When are you going to do something about that terrible furniture in your prison?" "We are not savages!" "This is not the Middle Ages." "You are running a house of correction, not a torture chamber." "That made him think." "I suggest you take the matter under serious consideration." "To cope with the modern criminal, it is necessary to use modern methods." "You can't have a contemporary prison without contemporary furniture." "Yes." "That's my opinion anyway." "And the same to you, Superintendent." "Filthy swine." "You're not like a policeman." "In your dossier..." "I always keep my important documents under lock and key because one can never be too sure." "Now, here..." "Excuse me." "Stupid of me." "Now..." "Miss Gambrelli, your dossier contains some very, very interesting facts." "It seems you have known Miguel Ostos for quite some time." "Yes." " Were you in love with him?" " Yes!" "You were in love with the man that raped you?" "That what?" "Testimony of Georges Duval, gardener." "Referring to Ostos, you described him, and I quote, as "that crazy Spaniard who raped me in my father's field."" " He did not rape me." " He did not force you?" "You see, I tripped over a root and I grabbed Miguel to keep me from falling." "Somehow we both fell." "I cried a little bit afterwards, but that wasn't because I was sorry it happened." "It was something he said." " He insulted you?" " No!" "He lit a cigarette, took a long puff and..." "Why do so many men smoke afterwards?" "No wonder tobacco companies get rich!" "I admit, I'd never thought of it quite that way." "Last night was to be our last night." "It was all finished." " You were leaving him?" " Oh, no!" "He was leaving me!" "Poor Miguel." "He was really in one of his moods last night." "First he babbled in Spanish, and then he cried." "He really broke down and cried." " You don't say." " I do say." "When I tried to console him, make him feel better, suddenly he was tearing off my clothes and cursing like a madman." "Very strange." "Very strange." "There's something I don't understand." "Ostos was leaving you, and yet, by your own account, he was behaving like a jealous madman." "You see, I thought if he was leaving me, he'd suffer, thinking that I was alone." "And so I told him there was someone else." "It was a lie." "I admit that." "But only out of kindness!" "I'm sorry." " Nothing at all." "Stupid tailor." " Beautiful suit." "Yes." "But don't worry." "A few stitches and you'll never know." "Miguel?" "Hercule?" "Must I go back to prison?" "Unfortunately, yes." "But don't give up hope." " What do you want?" " You sent for me." "Of course I sent for you!" "Good-bye." "Good-bye, Miss Gambrelli." "There's no doubt in my mind she is shielding someone." "Do you think you can break her down?" "Given enough time, I could have her eating out of my hand." "Anyway, we have no time." "I must catch this man before he leaves the country." "But if you don't know who he is..." "She will lead me to him." "Release her." " Release her?" " Of course!" "How can she lead me to him if she's still in prison?" "But Commissioner Dreyfus..." "I will assume complete responsibility." "Release her immediately!" "I will apprehend this culprit within 24 hours." "Get me out of here." "Quickly, or I shall scream." "Look, I've got Africa all over my hand now." "Balloons." "Do you have a license to sell these balloons?" "License?" " Yes?" " Good morning, monsieur." "Good morning, Georges." "Is there something I can do for you?" "Why, yes." "And perhaps there's something I can do for you." "What could you possibly do for me?" "Do you remember the night of the murder?" " Is that a rhetorical question?" " What?" "Come along, Georges, what is it you want?" "I saw you climbing down from Maria's room." "You have sharp eyes." "Yes, and a big stomach." "So hard to keep it filled." "Prices these days." "Are we going to discuss the national economy, or will you come to the point?" "The point is 100,000 francs." "You know, for the groceries." "Then perhaps my eyes will grow small again." "Yes." "We'll certainly have to do something about your stomach." "Go away!" "Nice doggie." "Excuse me." "I just happened to be passing." "You have been cutting flowers." "You've been cutting something." "There's blood all over your shears." "That's very strange." "Facts, Hercule, facts." "Behind them lies the whole fabric of deductive truth." "Hercule, let us examine these facts." "One... she was found with the murder weapon in her hands." "Two... the murder weapon was fresh with blood." "Three... there were no fingerprints on the murder weapon other than hers." "And four... all the members of the Ballon household staff have perfect alibis." "Now then, Hercule, what do these facts add up to?" "Maria Gambrelli killed Georges the gardener." "You are an idiot!" "Only a fresh-faced novice would come up with a conclusion like that." "Whoever killed Miguel killed Georges the gardener, and he did it to cover up the first crime." "He's trying to lay the blame at the foot of this poor servant girl." "Who do you suspect?" "I suspect everyone." "I suppose that is possible." "Possible?" "What do you mean, possible?" "I deal in certainties." "I have only to break her down, make her admit she's protecting somebody, and then force her to divulge his identity." "There can be no more cat-and-mouse." "No more subtle interrogation." "For her own sake, and for the sake of justice," "I will resort to any means short of brute force to drag it out of her!" "True, she will suffer." "But in the end, she will be free and we will have our killer." " He released her again?" " Yes, sir." "Shall we settle this thing now, or do you intend making me late for the recital?" "We can't just fire her." "She's given us no cause." "Cause?" "We are up to our necks in dead bodies." "What are you waiting for, the last act of Hamlet?" "If you're going to compare the Ballon household with a Shakespearean tragedy," "Macbeth would be more appropriate." "Darling, my cue ball." "That was Madame Ballon." "Follow her." "When you've discovered her destination, call me immediately." "Inspector Clouseau." " Good evening, Monsieur Ballon." " Good evening, Inspector." "There are one or two questions I would like to ask, some points that need clearing up." "Certainly." "You play billiards?" "Billiards?" "Yes, I have played some billiards." "I find it makes for a more relaxed and friendly conversation." " Yes." " Take a cue." "Cue, yes." "That will do." "Very strange." "You'd be better off with an ordinary cue." "That's a bridge." "The bridge cue!" "Yes." "I much prefer the good old-fashioned plain cue." "Yes, yes." "I'm most terribly sorry." "I'm dreadfully sorry." "That's all right." "I've broken a few in my time." "Try this one." "This is my favorite cue." "You'll find that it's great for curved shots." "You had some questions?" "Yes." "I had hoped to have a talk with your wife." "Well, she's out." "You just missed her." "On the contrary." "She just missed me in the driveway going out." "Monsieur Ballon, did you not state that on the night of the murder you had just arrived from London on the 11:00 flight?" "Yes." "Why do you ask?" "It was canceled due to bad weather." "I arrived on an earlier flight." "I put it to you directly, Monsieur Ballon, that it was you who murdered Miguel Ostos." "Don't be ridiculous." "You can just..." "That's it." "These curved cues can be difficult." "Pull." "I disliked Miguel intensely, but I'm not in the habit of killing people merely because I dislike them." "I beg your pardon." "I may as well tell you the whole thing." "The night that Miguel was killed," "I arranged for him to meet the 11:00 plane." "I arrived on the 9:00." "He would be on his way to the airport while I was on my way home." "My wife was at a dinner party." "This would give me a whole hour alone in the house!" "For what?" "For Maria." "What?" "Does that surprise you?" "Then I submit, Inspector Ballon, that you arrived home, found Miguel with Maria Gambrelli, and killed him in a rite of jealous rage." "I admit to the affair, but to kill for her..." " Would you kill for her?" " Of course... not." " It's still your shot." " Yes!" "I'm dreadfully sorry, Monsieur Ballon." "I appear to have grazed your billiard table." "Telephone, monsieur, for Inspector Clouseau." "That would be for me." "Yes, this is Inspector Clouseau." "All right, you stay there." "I will come over immediately." "Monsieur Ballon, I wonder if you could oblige." "I have to meet my assistant, and I am without a car." " I'll have Pierre drive you." " Excellent." "I suppose this is the end of our game." "Mind putting my cue away?" "Have Pierre bring the car around." "The car is ready, monsieur." "I'm dreadfully sorry, Monsieur Ballon." "Don't concern yourself, Inspector." "Maurice will do it for you." "Let go of my back." "Thank you, monsieur." "Whoever invented that rack should have his head examined." "Well, we will continue at another time." "A pleasure at any time." "I suggest you have your architect investigated as well." "Madame Ballon is in apartment 12, second floor." "If I'm not out within ten minutes, send reinforcements." " Good morning." " Good morning." "I'm the game warden." "Do you have a hunting license?" "Hunting license?" "He was shooting crows?" "He was disguised as a hunter in order to watch the Ballon house." "Give me ten men like Clouseau, and I could destroy the world." " Where is he now?" " I don't know." "After I got his release, he got a phone call." "He ran out of his office saying he had a lead that would crack the case." "This case is so full of cracks, one more won't make any difference." " Francois." " Yes, Commissioner?" "I just cut off my thumb." "You say you followed Maria Gambrelli to this godforsaken place?" "She took a taxi this far, then I followed her up the pathway to the entrance to Camp Sunshine." " Camp Sunshine?" " Yes." "I would have called you, but I perceived Dudu the maid also enter the camp." " Up the path, you say?" " Yes, but, Inspector..." "You return to the Ballon residence and look for more clues." "I will try to see what is afoot at this Camp Sunshine." "Hurry up, man." "There's not a second to lose." "Good afternoon." "I am Inspector Clouseau of the Sûreté." "Have you anyone registered here by the name of Maria Gambrelli?" "Gambrelli." "Yes, I believe she checked in about an hour ago." "Yes." "Gambrelli. 11:45." "Where can I find her?" "She could be most anywhere, but my guess would be the recreation area." "Thank you." " Can I ask you something?" " Yes." "Have you been swimming?" "Why, yes!" "How did you know?" "It is my business to know." "Where do you think you're going?" "I do not think, sir." "I know where I am going." "I am going to the recreation area." " Not like that, you're not." " What was that you said?" "You're not going to the recreation area like that." "I am Inspector Clouseau of the Sûreté." "How do you do?" "I'm Turk." "I am here on official business" "Looking for someone at the recreation area." "Not unless you take off your clothes." " You, sir, are under arrest." " What for?" "For making lewd and suggestive remarks to an official." " Lewd and suggestive remarks?" " Also for indecent exposure." " Doesn't anyone wear clothes here?" " No." " What?" " This is a nudist colony." "A nudist colony?" "Right." "Nobody gets in unless they take their clothes off." "What, all of them?" "All of them, right down to your mustache." "Are you the one who called the police?" " Someone reported a murder." " Murder?" "Tell the men to search the camp." "One of your men is already in the camp." " One of my men?" " Yes." "Inspector Clouseau." " I'm so sorry." " Murder!" "Beg your pardon." "Clouseau!" "Over here." "Quick." " Listen." "That's Dudu." " Dudu?" "She's dead." "Dead?" "Dudu?" "Come out!" "Out!" "Round up everyone!" "Get me that idiot, if you can find him." "Straight away, sir." "If someone has been murdered here, please let it be Clouseau." " What are we going to do?" " We can't leave without our clothes." "I'm getting cold." "Just look at those goose pimples." "Clouseau!" " I know how you feel." " I'm having a nightmare." "It's nothing to what would have happened if they had caught us." "What do we do now?" "You keep down, then they can only see the top half of me." "Perhaps they will think I've just come from the beach, from a swim." "We can't just keep driving around." "Please." "No." "I will take us to my apartment and somehow try to get us inside." "Whatever happens, try to keep calm." "I assure you she's not in the house." "Sorry, but it is necessary that I see for myself." "She has not been in the house all day?" "She left before I did this morning and she wasn't here when I got back an hour ago." " Henri can verify that." " Henri?" " The head butler." " I'd like to talk to Henri." "Well, he could've verified it." "Only a few more blocks now." "I feel like I'm losing my mind." "I'm going to start screaming and won't be able to stop." "Please, try to hold on to yourself." "Control yourself, please!" "You are off the Gambrelli case." "You will report for duty to the Department of Records." " Department of Records?" " In Martinique." "Tomorrow morning, or you can forget your pension." "That is not fair." "I was only doing my duty." "And I am right, you will see." "Maria Gambrelli is not a murderer." "There is something personal in this." "Yes, deeply personal." "I hate you." "Every little bit of you." "Now get out!" "You want me to leave?" "You are making a terrible mistake." "If Maria Gambrelli is not a murderer, and I say she is not, you are sending an innocent girl to the guillotine." "Excuse me, Francois." "And another thing!" "Martinique?" "He's on his way." "What about those influential parties that wanted Clouseau on the case?" "Whatever they do to me now, it is not half of what he has done already." "Besides..." "I feel certain I know who is behind those influential requests." " Ballon." " Ballon?" "It's obvious he was having an affair with Maria Gambrelli." "Most likely." "At first I couldn't understand why anyone would want a man like Clouseau to be in charge of a murder case, especially a case of this importance." " But why would Ballon?" " He wouldn't." "Unless he was protecting someone." "If you were protecting someone, who would be the perfect man on the case?" "A fool." "A detective who is a complete and utter fool." " Clouseau?" " Of course." "If Maria Gambrelli is convicted," "Ballon is up to his ears in a very nasty scandal." "Clouseau was his insurance policy against such a scandal." "Well, he has gone." "I feel like a child again." "It's an interesting theory, but what if you are wrong?" "I know it's an extremely remote possibility, but what if Ballon is not protecting Maria Gambrelli?" "What if she's innocent, as Clouseau claims?" " Ridiculous." " But a possibility." "What if Ballon is protecting someone else?" "Or what if Ballon himself is the guilty party?" "That's a sadistic thing to suggest." "But if only for the sake of discussion, what if you are wrong, and Clouseau, a complete and utter fool..." "I'd be ruined." "It's something to consider." " Francois?" " Yes, Commissioner?" "Would you please call for a doctor?" "Are you ill?" "I seem to have stabbed myself with a letter opener." "Kato, you fool." "Get off of me!" "Get off of me." "What are you doing?" "Not now!" "Kato, release me, you fool." "Inspector Clouseau's residence." "Give me that telephone, you idiot!" "Inspector Clouseau here." "This is the Commissioner." "You are back on the Gambrelli case." "Well, Kato, I'm back on the case." "Now to set the trap, catch the killer and prove to the world that Maria Gambrelli is innocent of murder." "Hello, this is Inspector Clouseau." "Connect me with my assistant immediately." "I'm ashamed of myself, Kato." "I forgot the first rule of self-defense." "No matter what the circumstances, always anticipate the unexpected." "Had you been a real assassin, you might have killed me." "We must accelerate our training program." "You must attack me whenever and wherever I least expect it." "And you must give no quarter." "Understand?" "Hello, Hercule?" "This is Clouseau." "I am back on the case." "Right." "Release Maria Gambrelli at once, and make a reservation for two tonight 8:00 at the Café Olé." "Right." "Bye-bye." "Kato, unpack my things and lay out my new blue suit." "I'm going to have a lovely hot soak in a nice warm bath, and I will plan out my strategy." "He released her again." "And he's taking her out to dinner." "Every paper in Paris has the story, including the Christian Science Monitor." "And he gave them the story." "You see, he claims she's protecting her lover, and the best way to force him into the open is to make him jealous." "Jealous." "That nincompoop." "That megalomaniac." "He's setting the science of criminal investigation back 1,000 years." "And I can't do anything about it." " Why not?" " Why not?" "What if he's right?" "What if he is?" "I'm finished, washed up." "Sanity and reason become things of the past." "Madness reigns." " Just relax." " With Clouseau loose in the world?" "You go about offering irresponsible suggestions like that, and you'd better find yourself a good analyst." " Just lie down." " Just lie down." " And relax." " And relax." "Don't you think I want to relax?" "I'd give my right arm for a good night's sleep." "I haven't closed my eyes in three days." "I've only eaten a chicken leg and some clear broth since Wednesday." "I'm cracking up." "I'm coming apart at the seams." "Look at my eye." "I used to have a good eye." "I had two eyes, I mean." "Doctor, there is no hope." "There is no hope unless I can get rid of Clouseau." "I must get rid of Clouseau." "What's wrong?" "I'm not going to let you look at me going up the stairs, you naughty thing." "To take off your pants." "I'm just unlocking the door." "You split up your pants so you could lure me into this apartment of yours." "Well, this is my apartment." "I know this is your apartment." "How about a little lure?" "Nothing lure." "You lure a-loo." "Lure a-loo, loo, loo, loo." " Do you know..." " What?" "I know this is your apartment, but that won't help you in the least bit." "Why won't that help me in the least bit?" "The answer, Mr. Police Inspector..." " Jacques Clouseau is the name." " I've given up sex." "I've given up sex." "Promise me." "What, darling?" "Afterwards, you will not smoke." "I give you my word as an officer and a gentleman." "Also a policeman." "Policeman." " Jacques?" " Yes, darling." "Carry me." "All right, my darling." " Jacques." " Yes, my darling?" "I swore I'd never..." " Sorry, my darling." " I swore I'd never do it again." " Yes, darling." " And I resolved to be so strong." "Yes, darling." "We all pay for our sins." "Could you open the door, my darling?" "Anything worth waiting for is worth..." "Oh, darling." "My darling, my dear sweet darling." "My sweet darling, just let me..." "Jacques, it may be somebody important." "What could be more important than this?" "Look what you're doing." "Look at my sleeve!" "It's all right." "It looks better that way." "Go to the door." "Probably somebody important." " Don't go away." " Darling, hurry." "Hurry, yes." "Darling!" "Coming, my lovely little darling." "That's very strange." " Darling." " My darling." "This is too much for a simple policeman." "Wait." "Wait, my darling." "You beautiful, wonderful..." "There's a little pin here." "What is it?" "Kato!" "Kato!" "God!" "Don't worry, my darling." "It's only Kato." "Poor fool." "I killed him." "Don't worry, you didn't." "He's all right, my darling." "Nothing can happen to us now." "Nothing can disturb us." ""Trail of death follows Inspector Clouseau."" "Four people." "The doorman, two customers, and a Cossack." "Most regrettable." "Regrettable?" "Including the Ballon murders, this brings the total to eight!" "That just goes to prove what I have said all along." "What you have said all along qualifies you as the greatest prophet since General Custer said he was going to surround all those Indians!" "Maria Gambrelli did not kill those four people." " Which four people?" " The last four people." "Someone else killed those people." "I was with her all the time." "Whoever he is, he is the same man who killed the first four people." " A doorman, a Cossack?" " Innocent bystanders." "The murderer was after me." "Fortunately he missed." ""Fortunately" is not the word." "Nevertheless, it proves that my theory is correct." "Because of some misguided loyalty," "Maria will not divulge the name of her former love." "That man is so jealous, he will kill rather than lose her." "Are you saying this man Maria Gambrelli is protecting, her former lover, killed eight people because he was jealous?" "Insanely jealous." "So jealous, he made it look like Maria was the murderer?" "He's a madman, a psychotic." " What about the maid?" " The maid?" "Was he jealous of her, too?" "He strangled her." "It's possible his intended victim was a man and he made a mistake." " A mistake?" "In a nudist camp?" " Nobody's perfect." "Idiot!" "Nincompoop!" "Lunatic!" "I will have your murderer for you by tonight." " What?" " I have a plan." "What sort of plan?" "A plan that cannot possibly fail." "Now remember, at 8:00 sharp you pull the master switch just as I am about to name the murderer." "I leave the lights off five seconds." "Just long enough for the murderer to leave the room." "Understand?" "You're quite clear?" "Now we synchronize watches." "In seven seconds, it will be precisely... 2:43." "2:43?" "Your watch must've stopped." "I've 7:46." "Yes. 7:46, yes." "No." "Now it's nearly 7:47." "All right, 7:47." "Are we synchronizing on 7:47?" " That's what you said." " No, I said it was "nearly."" "I've now ten seconds to 7:47." " I've got ten seconds after 7:47." " You'll have to put your watch back." "All right." "Five seconds... four... three... two... one..." "Now." "Strange." "The second hand is not moving." " It's ticking." " It's moving now." "What?" "Yes." "Yes, it is." "I know that." "I can see that it's moving now." "Now I've 7:47 and 23 seconds." "Let's synchronize on 7:47 and a half." "Five... four... three... two... one..." "Now." " My watch has stopped." " Your watch?" "Remarkable coincidence." "It stopped completely." " Look, take my watch." " But what about you?" "Don't worry." "I'll keep talking till the lights go out." " But we won't be synchronized." " It will be all right." "I'll find a way." "Don't worry." "Very kind of you." "There's no need for you to stand." "Please sit down." "Now then, I expect you're wondering why I've asked you all here." "Whatever the reason, it's a damn nuisance." "We usually have dinner at 9:00." "You've stopped everything." "You will not be inconvenienced for long, Monsieur Ballon." "Your clock has stopped, Monsieur Ballon." "Yes, but if you want to know the time, it is exactly 7:50." "You are slow." "It's 7:52." "No, my love." "This watch has not lost a second since the day you gave it to me." "I didn't give it to you." "I have 7:55, monsieur." " That is what I have." " You're both fast." "No." "My watch is right." "I'll prove it to you." "Would you tell me the right time, please?" "7:54." "Thank you." "Yes?" "It's for you, Inspector." "It's for me." "Yes?" " What time is it?" " What?" "Your watch has stopped." "Where are you?" "I'm in the basement." "I had the operator call this number." "I can't pull the switch at 8:00 if I don't know what time it is." "It's 7:54." " 7:55 now." " 7:55 now, yes." "I just realized something." "I still won't know when it's 8:00." " Count." " What?" "Count." "Count." "You mean seconds?" "Yes, that is exactly what I mean." "Don't dare call me here again." "Now then..." "Now then, I will tell you why I have called you all here tonight." "One of you is a murderer." "36, 37... 38, 39..." "Before I name the killer I will explain to you the facts that led me to discover his... or her... identity." "Now then, the night..." "The night the chauffeur was killed..." "What was the chauffeur's name?" " Miguel." " "Miguel," yes." " Miguel." " "Miguel."" "Miguel!" " Well, this Italian..." " He was a Spaniard." "This Spaniard, "Manguel,"" "he was furious with Maria Gambrelli." "He tore her dress off." "He protested violently." "My foot!" "I'm terribly sorry." "I beg your pardon." "I did not notice." "Excuse me." "He tore her dress off." "And at that precise moment, the door opened... and somebody shot him." "Maria could not see who the killer was because she was unconscious." "The reason was that she had received a bump upon the head." "A what?" "A bump." "There is only one way she could have received a bump like that." "She was hit upon the head by an object." "The object was the knob on the closet door." "Somebody was hiding in that closet." "When they opened the door, she received a bump upon the head." "For heaven's sake, come to the point." "Don't tangle with..." " You clumsy idiot!" " I'm terribly sorry." "I'm coming, Maria, my darling." "My darling..." "Careful, monsieur, with me." "Do not tangle with me." "I am a trained expert in karate." "My hands are lethal weapons." "Now then..." "There is something I am interested to know." "This room looks..." "What happened?" "You fell off the sofa, you stupid..." "I know I fell off the sofa." "There's no need to tell me." "Everything I do is carefully planned, Madame." "I know that." "Now then..." "What was I saying?" "Listen, you daydreaming fool, what are you doing?" "Can't you pay attention when I'm talking?" "You're not listening to me." "With the greatest respect, I heard every word you said." "Would you tell me what it was that I said?" " You were talking about the closet." " Yes?" "When the closet door opened, Maria received a bump on the head." "From that you inferred someone had been hiding in the closet." "Listen, next time I may test you without warning." "So pay attention at all times!" "Yes, monsieur." "Now then, whoever was in that closet opened the door and knocked Maria unconscious." "Whoever the man was that was in that closet had a reason to be in that closet." " How do you know it was a man?" " Because we found his fingerprints." "And they were your fingerprints." "Why not?" "It's my house." "I've often been in that closet." " For what reason?" " Last time was moths." ""Muths?"" " Moths." " Yes, "muths."" "Maria was complaining of moths." "Is that right, Maria, that you were complaining about "muths"?" "Yes, I did complain about moths." "You mean moths!" "The flying moths." "Yes, of course." "But what I do not understand is that in a household of this size that moths should be brought to the attention of Monsieur Ballon, not one of the servants or the local moth exterminator." "However, for the moment we will pass over that and we will continue to concentrate on another type of... local exterminator." "212, 213, 214..." "Maria Gambrelli, even though she now realizes it was a mistake, is not the sort of woman to have an affair with a man and then expose him." "We cannot condemn her, because she does not believe this man was a killer." "But this man was not only a killer, he was an unprincipled villain who would rather see Maria go to the guillotine than lose her to another man." "He was in the closet when she came into the room with the Spaniard." "He shot the Spaniard and put the gun in Maria's hand." "You don't know what you're talking about." "Benjamin, shut up!" " You have something to say?" " He has nothing to say." "No, but she has." "Why don't you ask her?" "How dare you!" "She was having an affair with my husband." " Liar!" " You are a fine one to talk!" "Your husband was having an affair with my wife!" "What about you and Simone?" " What about you and Georges?" " Liar!" "You killed him." "I saw you go to the greenhouse just before Maria." " Why should I kill Georges?" " You were having an affair with him." " I should kill him for that?" " He was carrying on with her." " I saw you kill Dudu." " Liar!" " I saw you!" " Why should I kill Dudu?" "Because you discovered she was having an affair with Pierre." " That's not true." " She told me." "She told you because you and Dudu were blackmailing the Madame." " She saw Madame kill Miguel." " Shut up!" "What?" "Georges saw Ballon climbing out of Maria's window after the shooting." "I didn't kill him." "I was the one in the closet." "My wife expected to find me with Maria, and shot Miguel by accident." "I put the gun in Maria's hand." "I arrest you for putting the gun in Maria's hand." "Keep out of this." "You pompous ass." "What about Henri?" " What about Henri?" " You killed him." " Why should I kill him?" " Shut up!" "I saw you drag his body into Maria's room." " It was you?" " Yes, it was." "298, 299..." "Turn on the lights." "Let me in!" "No!" "Stop!" "Come back, you fools!" "Come back." "Clouseau, stop them." " Stop them." "The bomb." " The what?" "The bomb?" "It was meant for you." "What do you mean it was meant for me?" "A doorman, two customers, and a Cossack." "And now, six more innocent people." "They were all murderers except Maurice, who was a blackmailer." "Compared with you, they were all saints." "Commissioner, what are you doing?" " I hate you, Clouseau." " Commissioner, please." " I hate you." " What are you doing to me?" "Let go of me." "Commissioner, let go of my leg." "Hercule!" " Get him off me." " Commissioner..." "Commissioner!" "Jacques." "Jacques, are you all right?" "It's all over now, darling." "You're free."