"Hey, Lily." "Good morning." "It's afternoon." "What's wrong with you?" "Nothing." "I'm great." "You're hung over." "No, I'm not." "No." "Don't try to play me." "I've seen lots of women wake up with hangovers." "[groans] [throws beer cap on metal tray]" "Please keep it down, okay?" "Hey!" "What's up, sleepyhead?" "[plates clanking]" "Who wants a smoothie?" "No, thank you." "Oh, damn." "[yelling] Sean!" "I though you were gonna fix the ice maker!" "[pounding ice]" "Honey, did you hear me?" "It's frozen solid!" "In the name of God, please stop it now!" "What's wrong with you?" "I don't know." "I think I might have a touch of the flu." "The booze flu." "What?" "Lily, were you drinking?" "No." "Can't I be sick without being hung over?" "Oh, my God!" "She's hung over!" "Please don't yell at me." "It hurts." "I thought you said you were studying with Alison." "I--I was, but her sister came home from BU, and she had some friends over, and... one thing led to another, you know?" "I had a drink." "Oh, a drink." "You had one drink?" "Okay!" "Okay!" "Okay!" "I had, like, two drinks." "Mm-hmm." "Aah!" "No!" "Okay!" "I had lots of drinks!" "Lots of drinks!" "But--but it wasn't my fault, because it was an older people's party and that's supposed to be cultured and sophisticated." "And the thing about sophisticated drinks is that you can't even taste the alcohol." "Lily, I can't believe you." "Lily... was I dreaming, or did you come in our room last night and puke in Henry's barrel of monkeys?" "Oh, thank God." "I thought there were monkeys in the toilet." "Oh, my God!" "What is wrong with you kids?" "You kids?" "I wasn't even awake when she came crawling in." "Yeah, well, let's keep it that way." "So go do some chores, all right?" "I'm watching you." "You know, we thought we could trust you, Lil." "You can." "Believe me, you guys," "I have absolutely no desire to feel this way ever again." "Oh." "Oh." "Well, as long as you understand that," "I guess we can just forget about this whole thing, huh?" "That would be so great." "Mm-hmm." "Well, we're not gonna forget about it!" "This is a special day, Ed-- you know, the first time a young lady comes home rip-roarin' drunk." "We should really save this moment for posterity." "Get my video camera." "It's, uh... it's at my house." "Why?" "Why's it at your house?" "Hey, you don't need the actual video camera, Sean." "You just made a really powerful point." "Ohhh..." "[Claudia] Guys, talk about that later." "Lily, go back to bed." "All right?" "I'll bring you some aspirin." "Thank you, Mommy." "I'm sorry." "Oh." "Whoa." "Yeah." "You can get me later." "Why is Lily allowed to park her car on the porch?" "[Sean] What?" "** [theme]" "How the hell did this happen?" "Uh, well, i-it was dark, and" "You were drunk!" "It's not that bad." "Oh, no, no." "I always wanted to make this a carport." "Get inside!" "Okay, I don't believe that I did that, and frankly, I'm a little insulted that you're jumping to conclusions." "Maybe it was a tornado, then." "Lily, why don't you tell us what you remember." "Okay, fine." "I'll tell you exactly what happened." "** [party music] [indistinct chatter]" "That certainly is an interesting story." "Yeah." "But you seem to have left out the part about how you actually got home!" "[sighs] I can't believe I did that." "You know, you could've been killed." "Or you could've killed somebody else." "I know." "I--I know, and I swear on my life that I will never do that again." "Oh, I'm gonna make damn sure of it." "Gimme your keys." "Uh-huh." "Gimme the keys." "How long before I get these back?" "Well, until I'm confident that you'll never do that again, which right now" "I think would be never." "Okay?" "You know, as a matter of fact, here, keep the keys." "Yes." "You can have the keys." "You know why?" "'Cause I'm sellin' the car!" "What?" "!" "Yes!" "I'm sellin' the car!" "In which case, I'll probably need to give the keys to the guy who buys it, so give me back the keys!" "You're selling the car?" "But--Mom!" "You heard your father." "But, Dad" "End of story!" "Oh, my God." "So, is this a bluff?" "How far are we gonna take this?" "Her car's on the porch!" "I know where her car is." "But selling it?" "Don't you think that's a little bit drastic?" "That's exactly what this situation calls for." "I agree." "I just-- I don't want us to be hypocrites." "You know, when we were kids, we drank." "Yeah." "Yeah." "And when we were kids, we were idiots." "Remember?" "I had a mullet in high school." "I drove a Chevy Nova." "It's just--I mean, you know how these things work." "I just don't want this to backfire and then have her rebel." "Yeah." "Well, she can rebel on the bus." "You know, we could set a better example." "Meaning?" "You're drinking beer." "Eddie's drinking beer." "There's beer on the table." "Yeah, that's from last night." "I'm just saying." "Maybe we've created a culture of drinking." "I think the real problem is that you've created a culture of driving." "You're always driving places." "Look... hey, do we have drinks?" "Sure." "Yeah, we have a few drinks." "All right?" "But we're adults." "We can handle it." "I mean, everybody drinks!" "Yeah, but we also own a bar." "Yeah, where we serve a lot of other things besides alcohol, like, um... corn nuts." "Would you look at this?" "Beer can, beer can, beer bottle." "Okay." "Look, first of all, in fairness, I haven't had time to take out the recycling." "Okay?" "And secondly," "I am sure that last week," "I--yeah." "Uh-huh." "I had a ginger ale." "Wow." "I'm sorry." "I was totally out of line." "So we enjoy a few drinks." "What's wrong with that?" "Not a thing." "You know what I'm sayin'?" "We're adults." "We're over 21." "We can drink and Lily can't, and she knows it." "You know, that's the problem with teenagers." "You can't trust 'em." "Why?" "!" "Why do you have to betray our trust?" "!" "I was playing Internet chess last night." "You are headin' down the wrong road, pal." "I'm rea-- I'm not goin' down any road." "Uh!" "Uh!" "I'm gonna be all over you like white on rice." "You turn around..." ""Oh, who's that?" "My shadow?"" "No!" "It's Dad!" "All right?" "!" "Watch your step, buddy!" "God, I hate this." "You really think we set a bad example with alcohol?" "No." "We're very responsible bar owners." "We installed a..." "a breathalyzer." "[beeping] .20." "Free pitcher!" "Yeahhhh!" "[thud]" "That was not good." "That guy had a designated driver." "Yeah, I think you're confusing "designated" with "ambulance."" "Well, what do you want me to say?" "You set a bad example." "No!" "No, that's not the point, Ed." "The point is, we never drive drunk." "You know?" "And she did!" "And that's completely unacceptable, and...someday she's gonna thank me for sellin' that car." "But if she doesn't, who cares?" "You know?" "I'm just tryin' to keep her alive." "And then we'll take the money from sellin' the car, and I'll put it in her college fund." "How much do you think you can get for it?" "I don't know." "Five grand." "I could do better than that." "Okay, so how much do you think I can get for it?" "Five grand." "I said I could do better." "Okay." "How much do you think you could get for it?" "Tell you what." "I sell the car," "I keep anything over seven thou." "Okay, fine." "Go for it." "Okay." "Is there still insurance for the" "Don't burn the car!" "Okay." "I found a bunch of stuff online about how to talk to your kids about alcohol." "This one has really good advice and talking points." "Talking points?" "Yeah." "You know, what to say." "Oh." "Like words." "Right?" "Sean." "Here." "Read this one." "This is, uh, a contract you make with your kid." "We don't need a contract." "Come on." "It's all about maintaining an open dialogue." "Baby, we have an open dialogue." "Yeah." "We do." ""I'm takin' your keys!" "I'm takin' your car!" "End of story!"" "That's not an open dialogue, honey." "That's an angry monologue." "Yeah, well, I'm angry!" "So am I. But we have to channel our energy into something productive." "Now, here's where she promises never to drive if she's drunk or to ever get in a car with a drunk driver." "And then this is the part where we promise that if she ever finds herself in that situation, we'll pick her up anytime, anywhere, no questions asked." "At least this way we know she's safe." "Okay." "Okay, fine." "Lily!" "Get your ass down here now!" "Sean." "For an open dialogue!" "Hey, Finnertys." "Hey, Brad." "Oh." "Lil." "I was comin' to see you." "You, uh, recovered from all that studying last night?" "They know, Brad." "[chuckles] Know what?" "They know I went to the party." "They found my car parked practically on the porch." "Oh." "Yeah." "Sorry about that." "What are you sorry for?" "You don't remember?" "Do you remember, Brad?" "See, memory is a strange and fluid animal." "What happened, Brad?" "Well, it--it..." "it was late." "Whoa!" "Lily." "Brad!" "What are you doing here?" "You called me to come get you." "I did?" "Yeah." "You said you were too drunk to drive." "Ha ha ha!" "I don't remember that." "Ha ha!" "Lily." "Keys." "Keys." "Yeah." "Keys." "[giggles]" "Ohh!" "[drunkenly] Brad, now that you're here, you can take me home." "Yeah." "Let's go." "Okay." "Where are my keys?" "Wow!" "So--So I didn't do it!" "I didn't drink and drive!" "I am so responsible!" "Whoa." "Wait a minute." "You drove?" "Yeah." "And were you drinking?" "My whistle remained un-wet, Mr. Finnerty." "Well, if you weren't drinking, you really suck at parking." "No." "Look, I--I got-- I got distracted." "Yeah?" "By what?" "Again, we're in the realm of our strange and elusive friend memory." "Brad!" "Okay." "W-We were on our way home... [drunkenly] Who is the sweetest boy I know?" "[laughs]" "Lily." "Mmm..." "This is very... dangerous." "[laughs]" "10 o'clock, 2 o'clock." "10 o'clock, 2 o'clock." "Mmm..." "Mmm... 12 o'clock, 1 o'clock." "[exhales excitedly]" "I don't know how I'm gonna thank you for comin' to get me." "[chuckles]" "Oh...oh, but I do." "[laughs] [tires screeching] [crash]" "I, uh, think I parked a little close to the house." "Oh, no one'll notice." "Yes!" "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, Brad!" "I didn't drink and drive!" "Oh, yes." "Yes, you came off beautifully." "But I get to keep the car." "Says who?" "I didn't drink and drive!" "No, but you drank a lot, and you were foolin' around with the guy who was driving, and that's just as bad." "There are just no mothers against it yet." "There are now." "It's a nice car." "Yeah." "What's your name?" "Jeff." "Jeff." "Can I be honest with you, Jeff?" "I've been sellin' cars for 10 years." "This is too much car for you." "I see you in a nice hatchback." "Oh...no." "I'm lookin' for a Mustang." "Whoa!" "Easy, tiger." "All right!" "You really fight for what you want." "15 years in the business." "I know when to back down." "This car's so cherry." "We had to roll the odometer forward." "Nobody would believe we were sellin' it for such a low price." "What is the price?" "Whoa!" "Jeff, we just met!" "Buy me a drink first." "I'm just kiddin'." "[chuckles] Oh." "Yeah." "Let's go talk to the big guy inside." "Okay." "You work out?" "You know, I--I do a yoga tape." "It's working." "Oh." "Thanks." "Don't mention it." "I gotta try to lowball my boss, so I'm gonna start out at 10,000 and see how he reacts." "Oh, I can't afford that." "Well, then you're lucky to have me on your side, because this guy might flip out when he hears what I'm offerin' you." "Sean!" "Have a seat." "You want coffee or anything?" "No." "What's goin' on?" "Yell at me." "Why?" "What'd you do?" "I promised this guy he could watch Claudia take a shower." "What?" "!" "Are you out of your mind?" "!" "Jeff, I'm fighting for you." "There's no friggin' way, man!" "All right, let's take this into the kitchen." "Jeff." "Water or anything?" "No." "Thank you." "What?" "!" "What is the matter with you?" "!" "Calm down." "Just needed to get a rise outta you." "I'm tryin' to jack up the price on the car." "Oh, God." "You shoulda warned me, Ed." "You know, this isn't the first time you and I have had issues about Claudia in the shower." "You're the one with the issues." "You got no beer." "Yeah." "Claudia made me get rid of it." "She thought havin' all that alcohol around was, you know, sendin' a bad message to the kids." "So I go thirsty because your kids can't hold their liquor?" "Hey...you'll live." "If I can do it, you can do it." "Claudia thought that if we got rid of the booze and we signed this, uh, contract with Lily, then she'd see how serious about this issue we were." "What do you think?" "I think Claudia's a smart and strong woman, and I back her all the way." "Yeah?" "How's that contract working out?" "Like crap." "Yeah." "You know, I mean, last--last night." "Okay?" "I had to go pick Lily and her friends up at some party." "* Oh!" "Oh!" "* [screaming and laughing]" "It's like by taking away her license to drive we gave her some kind of license to drink." "Where'd they get the liquor?" "Yeah!" "That's what I want to know." "The problem is..." "you know," "I can't ask her that question." "It's like my hands are tied, you know?" "You can't deal with teenagers, and you know why?" "'Cause they have no concept of accountability." "Me?" "Yeah, that's right." "You, pal." "Huh?" ""I'm immortal." "I can drink all I want!" "I'm gonna live forever!" "Whoo!"" "I didn't drink anything!" "Yeah!" "Well...that's right." "And you'd better not do anything." "All right?" "'Cause I'm watchin' you, buddy." "Huh?" "Fly right." "All right?" "Well, look what we have here... behind the spinach." "What are you talkin' about?" "Oh." "Oh, this is rich." "Yeah." "Claudia makes me throw out all the beer, but she keeps a nice little stash of Chardonnay for herself." "You really threw out all the beer?" "No." "There's a couple in the cheese drawer." "Ahh, whatever." "I got a fish on the hook out there." "He's been dangling long enough." "You wanna help me seal the deal?" "All right." "Sean, you're bein' unreasonable!" "What, are you crazy?" "!" "Huh?" "Car's my pride and joy!" "There's no way in hell I'm gonna give it away!" "It's a fair price!" "Come on!" "What are you talkin' about?" "You think I'm stupid?" "You want everyone in the neighborhood to go," ""Oh, there's the stupid idiot who threw away his Mustang for no money!"?" "I'm not stupid, Ed!" "I am not stupid!" "Despite what everybody in the neighborhood says, I'm smart!" "And I'm your older brother!" "All right." "Relax, Fredo." "You know, puke smell's not that bad unless you turn the heater on." "But if you had to," "I'd recommend that you open all the windows first." "But don't let the inside get wet because that's when you can really smell the pee." "[mouths]" "Jeff, will you excuse us for a second?" "Yeah." "What are you doin'?" "Well, for every person I talk to about the car," "Lily pays me a dollar." "You know what?" "I'm gonna have to think about it." "No." "No." "Jeff." "Jeff." "20 years in the business, I never seen a deal this good." "[chuckles]" "All right, listen." "Um... here's ten bucks." "Don't talk to anyone about the car." "What car?" "* Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "*" "Whoa, ho, ho, ho!" "What the hell's goin' on?" "What do you think?" "I was drivin' Miss Wasted." "[chuckles drunkenly] Thank you, Mommy." "What are you thinkin'?" "It is the middle of the day." "Where the hell were you?" "Uh!" "No, no, no." "No questions." "* It's in the contract *" "Uh, uh, well, you know what?" "I'll make it a statement, then." "Tell me right now where the hell you were, young lady!" "[drunkenly] * Oh!" "Oh!" "*" "Jimmy, what are you doing?" "Just chillin'." "What's in your hand?" "Beer." "Mm-hmm." "You know, I just--I've been getting yelled at for drinking, so I figured, what the hell?" "I might as well grab a brewski." "You know?" "Are you under the impression that I'm not gonna yell at you now?" "No." "I just...thought maybe if I had a little buzz, it would take the edge off." "Hey!" "Gimme that." "God." "You know, enough." "Enough, Claudia, enough." "All right, I'm gonna march right up there." "I'm gonna find out where she was and who got them the booze." "I know it's frustrating!" "I'm frustrated, too!" "But the website said it might take time." "Baby, we've tried it." "Now, parents have been yelling at their children for thousands of years, and it's always worked." "You're right." "Let's go yell." "Lily, we need to talk to you." "[chuckles drunkenly]" "What's up, guys?" "[chuckles]" "Your mother and I have decided to break the contract." "Okay?" "We did it to make you more responsible, but it's just made you less." "[sounding sober] That's not fair." "You can't do that." "Yes." "We can." "We are very concerned about your drinking, and if you continue to" "Is this math?" "What?" "You're drunk, and you're doing math homework?" "[laughs] That's not mine." "Wait." "This is..." "this is trigonometry." "Let me smell your breath." "Get off my case!" "You smell like cappuccino!" "I don't know what you're talking about!" "You are not drunk, young lady!" "[slurred speech] That is ridiculous!" "I have been drinking a lot!" "Okay, where were you tonight?" "!" "Down at a bar that serves underage kids!" "Oh, yeah?" "What bar's that?" "The..." "Blue..." "Pirate Bar." "There's no such bar!" "Okay, fine!" "Fine!" "You're right!" "I haven't been drinking!" "You know, as a matter of fact, I haven't had a drink since Brad drove me home and I" "I got sick and stupid, and... and people I don't even remember meeting are calling me "carpet face"!" "Do you have any idea how worried we've been?" "[sighs] I know, but what--what was I supposed to do?" "I needed a ride, and you took away my car for no good reason." "We had a very good reason." "Okay, one good reason." "Can we get past that?" "Please?" "Yeah, maybe in a few years." "Well, how am I supposed to get around?" "Lily, we're your parents." "Okay?" "We're not your designated drivers." "You're 16 years old, and we just want you to be safe." "So if you're out and about and you need a ride, give us a call, and we'll try and be cool." "Okay?" "Okay." "Okay." "All right." "Enough of this stupid contract." "That was my math homework." "[knock on door]" "J-dawg!" "What's up, homey?" "Hi, Brad." "Are youokay?" "I'm doin' amazing, man." "What's up, Brad?" "Well, Mrs. Finnerty," "I need to go to the Office Depot for some blank discs and a new mouse pad... [laughing] and I'm loaded." "So?" "So you got the deal where if kids are drunk, you'll give 'em a ride." "Right?" "No." "No." "The deal is, if you're out somewhere and you're drunk, we'll give you a ride home." "Oh." "Yeah, you can drop the acting." "They know I was fakin' it." "What?" "We--We were supposed to fake it?" "Yes." "You mean I chugged a whole glass of cooking sherry for nothing?" "Okay." "I sold the car." "Great." "All right." "How much did you get?" "Eight grand." "Wow." "I didn't know that car was worth eight grand." "Had a little help from my crippled son." "Who?" "Oh, God." "Okay." "You can stop limping now." "I kinda like it." "Here's your cut." "Thanks, Ed." "You know what, Lily?" "We're gonna put this in your college fund." "Thank you, guys." "You're welcome, carpet face." "Come on, Brad." "I'll make you some coffee." "[chuckling] Carpet face." "[sighs] So, the Mustang's gone, huh?" "Yep." "I'm gonna miss it." "Yeah." "Hey, listen." "I told your dad" "I sold it for eight thousand." "The truth is, I sold it for ten thousand." "Am I supposed to be happy for you?" "No, you're supposed to be happy for you." "I'm gonna take the extra two grand plus my own thousand and put it in a car fund for you." "Oh, my God!" "I'm gonna get another car?" "When you're 18 if you keep your head on straight." "You understand?" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Thank you, Uncle Eddie." "All right." "Get outta here before I get emotional." "Uncle Eddie, I thought that you sold the car for $15,000." "Look...here's a fiver." "Be a friend." "Cool." "Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc." "Burbank, CA"