"When I decided at the last minute to take a year off before college," "I told my mom it was because I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life." "She pretended she didn't want to strangle me." "Sweetie, that's the whole point of college:" "is to figure out what you want to do, to find out what you're good at, to discover your bliss." "But what if I don't discover it until junior year, and it has nothing to do with the classes I've already taken?" "I'd have to start over." "Or what if my bliss is something I don't even need college for?" "I'm not going to lie to you, Katie." "I'm concerned." " Why?" "Tons of kids defer." " You're not tons of kids." "You're one complicated girl who's been through a lot." "You need structure." "Are you saying that college is the only place that I can get structure?" "Because if so, Miss Matsuo..." " Katie." " I'm serious." "Here's something." "Why don't you start a diary." " Or a blog?" " Why?" "It's a daily time commitment." "It'll keep your verbal skills sharp." "And it'll force you to be introspective." "What a wonderful idea." "I was just lying to escape her vegan breath." "At least that's what I thought at the time." "But I guess not." "What the fuck?" "Here I am blogging." "Anyway, I'm going to start by telling you a secret, something I've never told anyone." "The real reason I'm taking a year off is because of a guy, an older one." "A man." "And he's the most amazing..." "Shit, got to go." "Boo!" "Boo!" "Boo!" " You're late." " You noticed." "Dan and I have one strict rule:" "we don't talk about his girlfriend... or my boyfriend." "Dan teaches film at a really good community college, so we only watch serious cinema." "I feel smarter just being around him." "One of the best things about my year off is that I get to continue my education." "He never asks for anything in return." "He just wants me to relax and enjoy it." "Dad?" " You always hold back in the end." " I'm sorry." "It's your loss." "Have..." "I got some news." "I'm moving closer to campus." "Why?" "Look at this dump." "It's ridiculous." "Looks like I'm still in grad school." "Well, did you already find a place?" "Yeah." "It's great." "And they'll let me move in on the 15th." "Well, where is it?" "It's like a half-hour away." "We're not going to see each other again." "Of course we will." "Come on, don't be so melodramatic." "No, you're not going to want to come pick me up and then drive me to your place, and then back to mine a few hours later." "That's like two hours in the car." "And someone might see us." "Come on, you know I'm right." "If my dad would just buy me that car he promised me," " then I could..." "I could come see you..." " Listen, listen, listen, listen." "We're going to work it out, okay?" "We'll work it out." "I promise you." "Come on." "Shit." "I'd never touched him before." "I was always too scared." "He came so hard." "He'll definitely call me after he moves." "So don't you think it's time to stop loafing and get a job?" "I'm not loafing, I'm blogging." " Since when?" " Last week." " What's your blog called?" " Not telling." "And you won't find out, because I use a fake name and I'm changing lots of little details of my life." "Why?" "Because if there was even a one in googol chance of anyone figuring out it was me, then I wouldn't tell the truth." "And what's the point of having a blog if you're just going to lie?" "Hey, babe." "Why do you call her that?" "She's 46." "What is on the agenda for today?" "TV?" "Internet?" "Maybe a good, long nap?" " I'm getting a job." " The grill or the fryer?" "Neither." "Something stimulating that pays extremely well." "This may come as a shock to you, kiddo, but the economy is in the toilet." "There's 20 applicants for every job." "You underestimate my powers, Earthling." "Today, a reader sent me one of those annoying self quizzes, which are just a sad excuse to talk about yourself." "What's your favourite number?" "69." "Sometimes 96." "Have you ever kissed someone and regretted it?" "Yes." "Tom Lovelace, who was 16 when I was 11." "My fist tongue kiss." "It felt like a worm." "Do you believe in the horoscope?" "No." "Sagittarians never do." "Stop right there!" "Don't even put it up." "Have I got the girl for you?" "Is that so?" "Come in." " What happened to Jonas?" " I bought him out, lock stock and barrel." "You have so many more books." "I used to buy my dad his birthday and Christmas presents here." "He's a sports writer." "Well, he used to be." "Now he just drinks." "Sam Johnson's Book Shop." "Nice to meet you, Sam." "No, I'm not Sam." "He died a long time ago." "Dr. Samuel Johnson wrote the first great English dictionary." " Is he your hero?" " Among many." " Are you a lover of books?" " I could be." " Glenn Warburg." " Katie Kampenfelt." "Three days a week, $12 an hour." "And it's butt-easy." "All I have to do is help customers while Glenn runs the online business." "Sweetie, I got to hand it to you, that was fast." "You did it." "Yup, I am indeed impressive." " Does Glenn have a last name?" " Warburg." "Is he married?" "Why?" "You think he only hired me so he could have sexual intercourse with me?" "It crossed my mind." "Your mustache is heinous." "I've only been blogging for 16 days, but I already get between 450 and 500 discreet visitors a day." "The most popular search terms that people use to find me are "high school," "college,"" ""blond," "sex," and "oral sex,"" "which means many of you are lonely, disgusting pigs." "I also know a lot of you are just normal people who want to read the true-life confessions of a tee..." "What?" " It's me." " Come in." "Boyfriend invasion." "Stand by." " I thought you had band practice." " Casey had a midterm." "You know, Wong, I don't know which is worse." "Watching you eat or watching you at work." "I'm perfectly able to do anything I want..." "None of you care that I cheat on Rory, but for some reason you hate that it's with an older guy who has a girlfriend." "Well, I had no clue about Martina until after the third time Dan and I fooled around, and I found her birth control in a bathroom drawer." "By then it was too late." "I was in it." "Hold on..." "Oh, God." "Oh, wow, you're so hot." "Oh, God, I love you." "Oh, God." "Oh!" "Oh, God..." "I think I just came." "Was I supposed to pull out?" " Six o'clock." " Hey, so it is." "$288 cash with a two-dollar bill for good luck." "Good first week?" "Amazing." "And I almost finished Who Has Changed and Who Is Dead." " Thank you for the recommendation." " You're very welcome." "You know, it's the first book I've read since second grade that was..." "You know, like, wasn't for school." "Yeah, that's the way it is these days, I guess." " So sad." " I know." "I can't imagine life without great books." "It's as close to the angels as I get." "What do you mean?" "Well, for me, reading is a transcendent experience." "What does that mean, exactly?" "What, "transcendence"?" "It means beyond the physical realm." "It's a spiritual experience." "I get it from great literature, great paintings, classical music, all the arts." "What about classical art films, like Fellini or Buñuel?" "Sure." "Cool." "Dan didn't even call to say goodbye." "If I don't get a car now, I'll never see him again." "Look at the size of that blue-gummed dummy." "So, what's up?" "Well, it's been really, really hard ever since all my friends left to go to college." "And I just..." "I've been sitting at home all the time." "I have no ride." " I can't get anywhere." "And I'm just..." " Tell the witch to buy you a car." "No, she won't do it." "She thinks I'm so much like you, she thinks I'm just going to drink a bunch of beers and hit a tree." "Sanctimonious cunt." "If she had her way we'd all be drinking holy water." "Out of the pope's jockstrap." " Did you come up with that?" " No, you did." "No wonder." "What about peckerhead?" "Why can't he squire you around?" "Well, because we broke up last night." "How come?" "He's been pressuring me to, you know, like, go all the way, and I'm just not ready yet." "Shit." "Must have done something right." "Daddy... my whole life, you said you would buy me a car when I graduated." "Please keep your promise." "Please, Daddy, just this once." "Please." "And you promised me you'd stay my little angel forever." "You'd never grow up." "Now look at you." "Tits and everything." "Hey, Joel Seidler here." "I'm not sure if you remember me." "I'm tall and muscular, and I played football." "No, wait, that's my diametric opposite." "I'm the short, depressed Jew who tutored you in math." "Anyway, I'm a senior at Princeton now, and I'm taking a semester off." "I heard that you were around." "Call me or text me, whatever." "I'm back, bitch!" "Thank God Jade's home from visiting her grandmother in Greece." "Jade's pretty much my only female friend now." "There was a rumor last year that Jade and I were dykes." "I have no idea why." " I want your tits!" " I want your ass!" "I want your skin!" " I want your ass!" " I want your ass!" "If he lived here, let's face it." "We'd end up hating each other's guts." "This way it stays perfect forever." "You fall in love every time you go on vacation." "I know." "I'm a rock star." "I met him like my second day in Corfu." " I told you Dan moved away, right?" " Yeah." "He hasn't called me since." "It's humiliating." "You didn't fool around with him, did you?" "No!" "Hello!" "He's 32 and he has a girlfriend." "And you have fucking Rory." "I can't believe you're all really out there." "I'm used to only being famous in my own mind." " What are you doing?" " Oh, nothing." "Just wasting time." " Come with me." " What's wrong?" "Just come." "Not you." "And put some clothes on." "We have neighbours." "Dad's dead, isn't he?" "Bad news, hon." "Your starting salary just didn't past the smell test with me, so I had a friend of mine in law enforcement do some digging." "Is this your boss?" "Glenn's a rapist?" "Sexual assault's a much broader category." "The particulars can vary, but, yeah, it's basically sexual contact without consent." "You have to quit your job right away." "What am I supposed to say?" "Start with this." "My mom's boyfriend has a partner at a really big law firm." "She thinks it'll look impressive on my résumé if I ever want to be an attorney, which I might." " So I really have to quit." " Oh, I'm so disappointed." "So am I, really." "You're a very special girl, Katie, and a joy to be around." " And I'll miss you." " Thanks." "You too." "Bye, Glenn." "Do you have some clean underwear?" "God, please be Dan." "Please, please, please be Dan." "Please be Dan." " Hello?" " Catherine?" "Katie, actually." "I don't know if you remember me." "My name's Paul Spooner." "I interviewed you for admittance to Tufts." "Oh, no, of course I remember you." "Hello, Paul." "Oh, you know, I got in." "I just decided to defer a year." "I know." "That's actually why I'm calling." "You don't by any chance need a job, do you?" "That is so, so weird." "I had one until, like, 10 days ago, but then I had to quit." "My boss turned out to be a convicted sex offender." "That's terrible." "Well, even more terrible for the gal he sexually offended." "Yeah." "I got a new job!" "Hey, can I call you back?" "That's wonderful." "What is it?" "I'm a nanny." "I get paid $12 an hour, and I get the use of a car." "A car!" "I get a Volvo!" "I'm getting a Volvo!" "What?" "What's with the face?" "Well, did you tell him you have no experience?" " Of course not." " Honey." "What?" "What?" "What?" "!" "Why are you so fucking negative?" "!" " Catherine." " Katie." "Oh, my God, you are so cute and tiny." "Come in." "I'm Margaret Spooner." "It is a pleasure to meet you." " You are a godsend." " Oh, cool." " You have no idea." "I'll show you around." " This house is amazing." "Oh, thank you." "I'm an interior designer, so I love it." "You just missed Paul." "He works for a big hedge fund, so he travels all the time, but he'll be back on Friday." "So Paul said that you have some experience with newborns." "Oh, not much, but yeah." "Well, I had zero when Kyle was born." "Okay, you smell that?" "That is newborn poop." "Kind of like butter popcorn when they're nursing, which Kyle is." "Go ahead." "Your first lesson." " Pick him up." " Really?" "Yeah." "Just make sure you cradle his head." "That's it." "You got it." "Hi." "He likes you." "Stop being mad at me for not posting." "I had a very busy week learning how to take care of a baby." "Hey!" " Hey, super nanny Katherine Kampenfelt." " How was your flight?" " It was interminable." "Where's Maggie?" " Feeding Kyle." "Come on, let's get reacquainted." "So tell me everything." "How was your first week?" "It was awesome." "Margaret is such a great teacher." "Kyle is such a good baby." "Way more mature than my boyfriend." "I can't tell you how relieved I am this worked out." "Remember how much fun we had at our interview?" "Honestly, not really." "I thought Tufts was just my safety school." "Well, that explains why you were so cocky." "Hey." " Hi, sweetie." " Hi." "Oh, sorry." " Your pay." " Yeah, but it's only 3:15." "Okay." "Well, I'll see you guys Monday." "Remember when my ass looked like that?" "Bye." "Last night was the fifth Friday in a row that Dan didn't call me." "And since I'm not allowed to call, text or even e-mail him, there's nothing I can do." "My grandmother once told me, "Never make a big decision while you're bleeding, because there's a pretty good chance you're nuts." But I don't care." "I'm tired of waiting." " Hi." " Hey." " I have an evil scheme." " My favourite kind." "Oh, God, please answer the phone." " I did not know you were religious." " Only when I'm jonesing for a bonesing." "Hello?" "Wrong number." " Okay, what did you just say?" " "Where's the clog that we ate yesterday at the beauty parlour train station bathroom?"" " Genius." " Yeah." " Wrong numbers always come in twos, right?" " Right." " I have one more chance." "Maybe he'll answer." " Why does he let her answer the phone?" "She grabs it." "She's this crazy, jealous French bitch from hell." "That's why I can't contact him." "Hello?" "Hey, it's me." "Call me when you get this." "It's really important." "Okay, bye." "Got it!" "Okay." "Want to watch some porn?" "Bye, Jadey." "Please don't be mad at me." "I'm not." "Martine just ran out to buy cigarettes." "What's up?" "I got a car." "A Volvo." "Hello?" "Yeah." "I can come see you whenever you want me to." "Remember what I did last time?" "How I touched you?" "I want to do it again." "But this time with my mouth." "Let me." "Please." "Wednesday, I'll text you the address." "Paul made a ton of money today because he predicted a stock would tank." "He brought home Belgium chocolates and champagne." "All day I was so excited about my date with Dan my heart felt like it was going to explode." "I loved the whole world." " We need protection." " No." "No, we don't." "Are you sure?" "Daddy!" "Cigarettes?" "Since when?" "Yeah." " It was a mistake." " Oh, come on." "One's not going to kill you." "No, I meant that." "Well, my period just ended." "That's not what I meant." "Is it my age?" "You know my birthday's at midnight." "Here's the thing." "I care about you a lot, but..." "Okay before you dump me, let me say something." "Martine treats you like shit and I think you should dump her and go out with me instead." "Now I know my age freaks you out, but we can do it in a really cool, healthy way." "I promise." "I wouldn't have to meet any of your friends, and I wouldn't make you meet my mom." "We could keep the whole thing a secret." "It would just be us right here, making love and watching art films." "And then when I go away to college, we break up really maturely." "Stay friends forever." "It's perfect." "It would be." "Is that a yes?" "I can't." "Why?" "Martine and I are engaged." "Since the middle of October." "What do you have with her that you don't have with me?" " Katie..." " Answer the fucking question." "There are things that... that people close to each other in age share." " Like what?" " Martine and I are intellectually compatible." "Why did you have to fuck me before you told me the truth?" "You're such a liar!" "So is that why you moved?" "So you could live together?" "She lives here?" " Where were you?" " What happened to your study group?" "It ended an hour ago." "Where were you?" " A movie!" " Is everything all right?" "Have you been crying?" "Rory, come down." " What did you see?" " What?" "The name of the movie, what was it?" "Sex With a Paranoid Guy." "It was a comedy." "Now go home, you freak." " Where were you?" " Fuck you!" " Are you okay?" " He was older." "He's a 32-year-old guy, and I'm madly in love with him, okay?" "!" "Did you have sex with him?" "You did." "Hey, hey, hey!" "Never hit a girl!" "Never hit a girl!" "Get the hell out of here!" "Get out of here!" "You want to go to jail?" "!" "You want to tell me what that was about?" "Just go, please." "Okay, okay, okay, okay." "Mark?" "Thanks." "Turns out they were engaged the whole time." "They moved in together." "I'm such a retard." "Oh, sweetheart," "I wish you would have told me about it sooner." "I could have warned you." "Never get mixed up with someone if there's a third party involved." "You almost always lose." "You didn't sleep with him, did you?" " Of course not." " I'm sorry." "Had to ask." "Aren't you going to wish me a happy birthday?" "Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry." "Happy birthday." "So, what do you want to do to celebrate?" "I don't know." "Thank God my name's not really Katie and I'm 100% invisible to the world, or I'd be so humiliated by my life right now" "I'd probably kill myself." "Do you stay friends with your exes?" "Only if they can handle us being platonic." "Hasn't happened yet." "Do you pee in swimming pools?" "That's the only place." "What's your favourite thing in your bedroom?" "My heart." "What's your least favourite thing in your bedroom?" "My heart." "What are you listening to these days?" "A voice in my head telling me that something wonderful is going to happen any minute." "It just has to." "I know the prices are outrageous, but you just can't beat the organic produce." " Absolutely." "The meats are to die for." " Yeah." "I know." "The other day I got a leg of lamb." "I'm telling you it was this big." " Hang on one second." "Is he down?" " Yup, boom." "Oh, good." "Did I mention you look adorable?" "Oh, well, I don't feel it." "Barely got two hours of sleep last night." "Excitement about Santa's arrival, or boy trouble?" "Boy trouble." "Well, good riddance, whoever he is." "You can do better." " Couldn't do worse." " I have a nephew." " Onwards and upwards." " Cheers." " I thought we were the bad guys." " Well, no, no, no." "People are people." "You know, red, white, purple." "We're all shit." "You know what else the Apache enjoyed?" "Sodomy." "Most of Custer's seventh brigade, second cavalry, they were found buck naked, all torn up inside." "Well, Ollie, listen, it's been a riot." "Cornflower blue." "You're a real blond, aren't you?" " Oh, yeah." " You're real naughty too." "Not tonight." "Not..." "Not..." "Not feeling it tonight, turtleneck, okay?" "Now let me go before I scream." "You better slow down there." "That stuff will kill you." "I still have to drive home." "You having fun?" "At my own party?" "Not a chance." "We've got to stop meeting like this." "Maggie will get suspicious." "Really?" "Hey, Merry Christmas Eve." "It's Joel again." "You never call me back, so I assume you're either really busy or you hate Jews." "So here's why I keep calling." "The third week of school I tried to jump out of a dorm window." "And I remember you spent some time at a mental hospital, and I thought you might be able to relate to what I'm going through, and then we could be friends." "My bad." " Thank you so much." " You're welcome." "Oh, Dad." " What did I do to deserve this?" " You knocked up Mom." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, these will keep my nuts warm." "Thank you, kid." "How was dinner with your family?" "Oh, thank you for asking." "My..." "Don't ever spend Christmas Eve with old Hindus." "It was like Gunga Din meets the Brothers Grimm." "I couldn't get out of there fast enough." "Oh, here." "I know what my baby girl likes." "Thanks." "It's beautiful." "I used to be your hero." " Bet you don't even remember that, do you?" " Not really." "I used to come home from work, you'd just go crazy." "You'd grab my hand, show me your latest Barbie or whatever." "Then the witch kicked me out." "Right before Christmas, too." "You latched on like a goddamn pit bull." " Wouldn't let go." " Seriously?" "Screaming your lungs out." "I can't believe I don't remember that." "Happy New Year!" "Right after Rory and I broke up, Jade found a new boyfriend." "I had no one to celebrate with last night." " Honey?" "It's me." " Come in." "Oh, God." "Dad's dead?" "Oh, my God!" "Congratulations!" "I don't even know what to say." "She's marrying the mustache." " Oh, no!" " I knew you'd understand." "Come over, please." "First I..." "I got to tell you something." "Shit." "Hold on." "Okay, what?" "Okay... so the night we broke up I took two sleeping pills." "And Jade was over trolling on 4chan with my roommates." "So, any resolutions?" "Well, I found out my boyfriend's boning my best friend." " I thought you and your boyfriend broke up." " We did." "Now it's permanent." "I'm never going to speak to either of them again." " Smart choice." " What about you?" "I am going back to work part-time." "Wow, really?" "So soon?" "Yeah, well, I feel great." "You know, I got my body back." "Why not?" "Paul's pissed." "If he had his way I'd stay home forever and be a broodmare." " Do you know what that is?" " Like a sad horse." "Close, yeah." "One that does nothing but give birth." " Do you want to have more kids?" " No." "How's it going?" "Wow, you're even prettier than I remember." "And you're just as sweet." "I can't believe you finally decided to hang out with me." "I hope I don't destroy your social standing." "Stop it." " What made you finally call me back?" " Your text made me laugh." " Hey, you're legal, right?" " Yeah." "You should order wine." "They won't card me here if you do it." "So anyway, long story short, they've been fucking ever since." " What a roll you're on." " I know." "I have the worst luck with guys." "Yeah, I would say the worst taste." " You're the one who picks them, right?" " Yeah." "Anyway, it seems like your problems go way beyond guys." " I mean, you're confused about a lot." " Well, who isn't at our age?" "And that's why the most important thing is to develop self-awareness." "I'm pretty much the most fucked-up person I know, and I'm working really hard to understand myself." "Are you?" "Working really hard to understand you?" "Not really." "When you're ready." "Right." "Hello?" "Who is this?" "Affie?" "What is it?" "Is it my dad?" "Affie, what's wrong?" "!" "You can see him now." "When he fell, an artery in the sac around his brain ripped open." "They fixed it and stopped the bleeding, but now all they can do is wait and see." "I used to pour my dad his beers for him." "Even though I get how sad and inappropriate that is, at the time it made me feel really special." "And I'm still an expert at pouring beer so that the foam doesn't spill over." "Oh, one more..." "One more thing." "My dad and I, we used to play this game together when we were watching TV, and I would ask him if I could have some of his beer." "So he would reach over to grab his mug, and when he did I would... flop my mouth down on his beer belly and..." "And he would get all mad, like I had tricked him." "And..." "I would just laugh my head off." "Yes." "Hi, my name's Amy Graham." "I'm a student of Professor Gallo's." "I hate bothering him at home, but it's... really, really important, and I lost his phone number." "Oh, I'm sorry." "He's not home." "Darn it." "Okay, okay." "But I'll be happy to give him a message." "Will you please tell him there's been a death in my family, so I can't finish my paper on time." "Which paper?" "The one he assigned." "All right." "I'm sorry." " I mean, for your loss." " That's okay." "Merci." "Bye." "During the week of work I missed," "Margaret kept her resolution and got a job redoing a zillionaire's media room." "For the next month she'll be working weekdays from 9:00 to 3:00." "So Kyle doesn't get too traumatized by the change," "Paul's going to eat lunch at home every day." "Well, I can't believe how okay you seem." "He had cirrhosis for a long time." "I knew he was going to die." "I was pretty much prepared for it." "The arrogance of youth." "Don't say that." "No, no, I mean it as a compliment." "An ironic one, but if young people weren't so arrogant, they'd really be in trouble." "What do you mean?" "Look, life kicks your ass." "If young people knew it, they'd crawl into the basement with a crack pipe and never come out." "Wouldn't take risks or fight for lost causes, or even start a career." "I mean, why bother, right?" "You think you're okay with your dad's death?" "Not a chance." "It won't even hit you that he's really gone until you're in your 30's, which happens to be the most difficult decade of life." "That is when the shit really hits the fan." "What are you grinning at?" "You." "Tell me more." "I want to know everything." " Hey, you haven't quit yet." " Not yet." " See you later." "Thanks." " Yeah!" "Hey, hey." "Hi, sweetie." "I'll be right back." "Here's your salary, and a little something extra." " Thanks." "Bye." " Bye." ""Dear Miss Kampenfelt," ""since you expressed a desire today to learn more about adult life," ""here are 10 bitter truths for your reading pleasure." ""Number one:" "Complete honesty is a complete lie." ""Two: marriage is sacred only to those who have never been married." ""Three: money is more integral to happiness than romantic love."" ""Four: every human being is a contradiction." ""Some hide it better than others." ""Five: never underestimate the tendency of human beings" ""to act contrary to their own best interests." ""Six: were it not for the fear of getting caught," ""most of us would behave like savages." ""Seven: all sex has consequences, most of them dire."" ""The older you get, the faster time flies until months pass like days." ""There's no such thing as living happily ever after." "Everything gets worse."" "He wants to fuck you." "He has, like, the most perfect, beautiful wife on the planet." "And that's why it's not going to happen?" "Because he doesn't want to?" "What about you?" "I would never do that." "You don't know me." " You're self-centered." " Ooh, news flash." " You're promiscuous." " I can't help it." "It feels good." "And plus, I owe it to my fans." " You're an incipient alcoholic." " No, I'm not." "Hey, what does that mean again?" "It means you're not an addict yet, but you're well on the way." "Okay." "I want to ask you something," "You don't have to answer, but... were you molested when you were little?" "Because you remind me of a friend of mine from school." "She was abused." "A little." "I mean, it just depends on..." "The summer before my parents got divorced," "I was like 6." "My dad had disconnected the cable." "He was going to write this book on worst sports injures in history," " and he didn't want to be distracted." " That's a good idea for a book." "Well, he never wrote it." "Anyway, since we had no TV, my mom sent me next door to watch at the Solagee's." "And Mrs. Solagee would always make me these yummy prune Hungarian cookies, and I'd get to watch cartoons." "But then when we were alone, Mr. Solagee would put me on his lap, and he'd touch me." "He would squirm around the whole time." "God." "You know, it actually felt kind of good." "My friend Joel thinks I need therapy." " What do you think?" " He's probably right." "I agree." "Surprise, surprise." " I'll find you someone good." " A lady, okay?" "Juliet Is Dead wants to know what Joel meant when he said I was in a mental hospital." "When I was 13 I stole a bunch of my mom's Ambiens and climbed to the window of a 26-year-old lifeguard I had a massive crush on." "When he told me to go home," "I started crying hysterically and locked myself in his bathroom." "They kept me in the psych ward for three days." "Been pretty much anti-therapy ever since." "And now I'm thinking that maybe what Mr. Solagee did... really affected me." "Maybe that's why I like older guys so much." "I just always that it was because my dad was such a dick." "I'd like you to write a letter to Mr. Solagee." "He's really old." "He's probably dead." "It's not for him." "Kyle had night terrors again last night." "Even after I picked him up, he cried for another half-hour." "Scared the shit out of us." "Well, what do you think's causing it?" "Well, I think it's that Maggie went back to work, but she doesn't want to hear about that, of course." "So, what are you going to do?" "Just give him some extra love, and hope that she comes to her senses." "She's so lucky to be married to you." "I don't know why she wants to go back to work so quickly." "It's ridiculous." "You know what?" "It's not till tomorrow, but what the hell?" "Happy Valentine's Day." "It's a locket." "Until you have a kid of your own," "I figured a picture of Kyle will have to do." "Thank you." "I love it." "God, you're beautiful." "So yeah, I mostly just hang out with this kid, Joel Seidler." "He's kind of funny." "Look who it is." "Hey, honey." "What time did she say the samples were coming?" "No, no, no, no, no." "I need something way more specific than that." "Yes, please call back." "All right, fine." "I'll call you back." " Well, well." " Hey..." "Martine's out of town for the weekend." "Hey, why didn't you tell me your dad died?" "Because I hate your guts." "Oh, God!" "Okay, slow down, slow down." "I want it to last longer." "You can do it." "You can." "You can." "That was a big mistake." "Yeah." "I'm in love... with somebody else." "Oh, and suddenly age matters?" "Yeah, it matters, because I'm 14 years older then you." "I'm not 23." "And I'm not married." "And I'm not your boss." "Why are you freaking out?" "All we did was kiss." "Oh, stop." "Stop pretending like you don't know what's going on." "That's why he hired you." " He's a fucking scumbag." " And what are you?" "You need help." "I know." "I'm in therapy." "Good, well, hope you tell him all about Spooner." "It's a she." "And I didn't." "But I told her all about you." "That's great." "Thanks." "Well, you can tell her this next time you go: you can tell her that I ended it." "No more." "We're not doing this ever again, you understand?" "One of us has to be strong enough to end it." "Since I'm the adult I guess it'll be me." "Don't call me again either." "Good morning!" "Gotcha." "Okay, so you..." "So you don't like that." "I thought I didn't want it to happen, but maybe I did." "When I'm with him I feel so special." "I forget everything." "Dear Dr. Sherman, first off," "I want to thank you for making time in your busy schedule to see my darling Katie." "She really is something, isn't she?" "One of a kind, all right." "As much as she enjoyed your session together," "I have decided to send her to a different therapist, one who specializes in young women and their many food-body issues, a national epidemic." "Thank you so much for your time." "Yours truly..." "Caroline Kampenfelt." "Katie, Joel." "Hi." "I just wanted to tell you that you're a monster." "I've been a really good friend to you, and this is how you repay me?" "By never calling me back." "Besides me, how many straight guys are there in the whole world who like you enough to be your friend without there being anything sexual?" "I'll give you a hint:" "zero." "I'm only three years older than you, but I'm so much smarter it's ridiculous." "You have no inner life." "Why was I crying so hard?" "Who cares what Joel thought of me?" "And then I thought," "Oh, wait, maybe it's just hormones." "No, thanks." "Okay." "What's going on?" " What do you mean?" " You never say no." "Why not?" "I'm pregnant." " Holy shit." " Stop." "I'm not keeping it." "And there's a decent chance it's not yours." " Then why'd you even tell me?" " Because you wanted me to get high." "Yeah, well, if you're just going to kill it, why not get high?" "I might change my mind." "Maybe." "Oh, man." "How many others are there?" "Two." "You're a fucking whore." "You're not even worth it!" " Hello?" " I'm sorry, I might have the wrong number." " I'm looking for Joel Seidler." " Who is this?" " Katie Kampenfelt." " Oh, Katie." "You know he's clinically depressed, right?" "Of course." "We talk about it all the time." "Well, he made another attempt." "Pills this time." "Very female." "I was the one who found him." "Worst moment of my life." "Is he okay?" "Physically, yes." "Mentally, who the hell knows?" " He's at St. Jude's." " Can I visit him?" "No, honey we got to get his chemistry straightened out first." "Will you let me know when he can have visitors?" " Of course." "Absolutely." " Thank you." "I'm so happy you finally called." "I can't believe I miss him so much." "If only he had left that silly card where it was." "What?" "What silly card?" "I wasn't sure whether to tell you." "What?" "What are you talking about?" "One day I was cleaning the house, and in his closet I found the underwear you gave him for Christmas." "I put them away and threw the box in the trash." "Later, when your father found out what I had done, he was furious at me." "In the middle of the night, he rose." "I asked him where he was going." "He said, "To pick through the garbage, like your cousins back in Calcutta."" "I woke up minutes later." "The room was very cold." "I found the back door wide open." "Your father slipped in the dark and fell on the way to retrieve your card." "But he never even opened my cards." " He didn't care about those things." " That's precisely what I thought." "But no." "I found them in his desk." "All from you." "You have an appointment with Dr. Sherman Saturday at 10:00." " I know you only went once." " What?" "That's non-negotiable." "Yay!" "Happy birthday." " Thank you." "I love it." " Oh, good." "It's gorgeous." "Thank you so much." "Oh, come on." "You didn't have to do that." "I know." "Let's see." "Very cute." " Aww, that's sweet." " Very sweet." "Thank you." "Whoa, looks like somebody wants to join the party." "Oh, no, no, I'll get him." "So, what's it like being 43?" "Hi, honey." "Same as being 18." "Just, when you get up, your back is a little stiff, that's all." "There we go." "Good boy." "Just your back?" "This is your real present." "Oh, yeah." ""To Paul on his 43rd birthday." ""Napping on the sofa, your baby boy napping in his bouncing chair." ""Two separate lives, lying so close for a while" ""until you both wake up and become father and son again." ""May you always be like this." ""Sleeping close and awaking close," ""sharing nearly all of your lives." "I wish I could share them too."" "It's beautiful." " Really?" " Yeah." "I'm sorry." "It's okay, it's okay." "You understand, right?" "I'm sorry." "It's going to be okay." "Okay." "Oh, God." "Being pregnant is like being seasick, and you can't get off the boat." "The smell of bubble gum, deodorant, scented candles makes me want to vomit from my toes." "Hello?" "I'm pregnant." "And the baby's yours." "So I thought maybe before I got an abortion, you'd like to discuss it." "Dwayne, you know better." "You got to call me during my office hours, okay?" " Good night." " Wait..." "You don't need antidepressants, because you're not clinically depressed." "You're grieving." "There's a world of difference." "Not just for your father." "When I was in the second grade I liked to gross boys out by eating flies and ants." "Even a daddy longlegs once." "In junior high I stopped taking showers." "My mom would say, Why do you want to treat your body with such disrespect?"" "I had no idea why." "But now I do." "You probably thought I forgot, but I remember everything you did to me." "Sometimes I thought maybe you forgot." "But you were a grown man at the time you molested me." "If you are a Christian, and I think you are, then you know what awaits you." "Yours truly, little Katie next door." "Katie." " Miss Matsuo." " How's the grand experiment?" " Excuse me?" " Life without semesters?" " Oh, it's great." " Good." "Actually, I just lied to you." "It's really, really hard." "I'm sorry." "That's okay." "You know, I..." "I think it's getting better." " I think I'm going to be okay." " Well, you take care." "Well, if it isn't one of my favourite people in the world." "That's me." "What's wrong?" " Just wanted to come say hi." " I don't believe that." "Come on in." "Tell me what's going on with you." "I need some advice." "Okay." "But I want to talk to you about something first." "I didn't quit for the reason I said." "My mom's fiancé found out that you're a convicted sex offender." "That occurred to me." "I wanted to tell you the truth, but my mom would have grounded me until the end of time." "She was afraid for you." " Well, hello, I'm a girl." " But you're here now." "What changed?" "I need your wisdom." "But I want to know what your crime was." "Why?" "I need to know." "It was a long time ago." "Please?" "May I have one of those?" "You smoke?" "I'm what is known in Nicotine Anonymous as a periodic." "I start and stop." "Right now I'm undecided." "Have a seat." "There it is." "Where do I begin?" "When I was your age, Katie, I was a very angry, nasty piece of work." "I was rarely clean or sober." "I had hair down to here and a full beard, believe it or not." "And when I was 19 years old I got busted for selling drugs." "So in order to avoid jail time I enlisted in the Army." "And I just stayed high all the time." "Well, surprise, surprise, I get busted and dishonorably discharged and sent home." "And I stayed out of trouble for a very long time, until one night I got shit-face drunk and showed up at the house of a woman I knew who was a prostitute." "Not one that I could afford, but she had a soft spot for vets." "And the last thing I remember was, she pulled out a bottle of rum and a tab of acid." "So when I woke up in jail the next morning," "I had no choice but to take her word for what happened." "And the word of the... emergency room doctor, of course." "I did not... rape her in the way that most people would define that term, but it was a very, cruel... sexual assault, and I paid the price." "Now, tell me what's wrong with you." "I'm pregnant." "I'm just..." "I'm too young to have a baby." "And I know..." "I know I should get an abortion." "But days keep passing by, and I don't make the appointment." "I just..." "I think I'm scared to go alone." "I think it's more than that." "I think you're afraid to go at all." "And for good reason." "Because if you do this, there's no telling how you'll feel about it later." "You're afraid you'll regret it." "Maybe." "But, you know, very few people ever regret having had a child." " Is that true?" " Absolutely." "You want some more wisdom?" "No extra charge." " Please." " Stop drinking and smoking immediately." "And you must never see any of these men ever again." "Dump Paul?" " No, no, he'll freak out." " Please, please, Katie, listen to me." "When a married man is having an affair with a beautiful, young girl, no matter how much he feels for that girl, he's always relieved when it's over because he knows he's been playing a dangerous game," "and he's lucky to escape alive." " He doesn't love me?" " Not the way you think." "But if I dump Paul, then I lose my job." "Well, you could always come back and work here." "Yeah, my mom would kill me." "You don't need her permission anymore." "You're an adult." " She'd kick me out of the house..." " You know what?" "There just happens to be an empty room above my garage, and you're welcome to it, rent-free." "You have to start making your own decisions, young lady." "Now, come on." "I got to close up." "And I'll give you a lift." "Read any good books lately?" "No." "Not even a bad one." "But I've sort of been writing." "I thought you'd be proud that I have a blog." "I like that it's creative and that it's verbal." "What I don't like is that it's public." "Your generation is addicted to attention." "I know." "It's like we all want to be famous, even though we're not good at anything." "Precisely." "You sure I can't give you a lift?" "I like to walk." " All right, then." " All right." " Thanks for all the advice." " You're welcome." "Something else you might consider." "I can understand how you feel, how you think you're not ready to be a mother." "But... have the baby anyway." "What's the harm?" "I'll raise it as my own, and you can come and go as you please." "You can be as much of a mother as you care to be." "If I don't do what you want me to, then could I still work here and live with you?" "Of course." "I want to thank everyone who wrote to tell me I'm a baby killer even though I haven't even decided what I'm going to do yet." "If I move in with Glenn, it's the beginning of my adult life." "On my own for the first time." "It's a perfect time to stop blogging." "Can I do it?" "Just live without describing everything I do?" "Can I cancel my reality show and become a better person?" "Do human beings ever dream a whole new life and make it come true?" "Or do they always go back to the way they were?" "I guess there's only one way to find out." "Say goodbye to all of you  and just live." "Really live." "My name is Carol Granthum." "I'm the mother of Amy Granthum, whom you know as Katie Kampenfelt." "A few minutes after posting her final blog, someone called Amy from a blocked number." "The call lasted a minute and 38 seconds." "A few minutes later Amy got in her car, drove away and never came back." "No one's seen or heard from her since." "She hasn't withdrawn any money from the bank or even used her cell phone." "The police believe the person who called Amy that night could very well hold the key to her whereabouts." "I'm writing because I need your help." "Please keep reading." "I have hired a private investigator." "He's questioned everyone in Amy's life." "He showed them her blog." "To hide her identity, she changed names and details." "Her boyfriend Aiden says everything Amy wrote about him is true." "He has a terrible temper, but he insists that he would never harm her." "Dan is not actually a college professor." "He manages a video store." "He says Amy's description of their relationship was mostly accurate, but that she never told him she was pregnant." "The couple she works for dispute only the most important fact of the blog." "The husband denies any sexual involvement." "Jake Seidler is devastated." "He regrets the cruelty of his last voice message." "Amy's best friend Noelle is a drug addict." "She has a blocked phone number, but she says that she did not call Amy on the night she disappeared." "Roy Olson, her boss, says word Amy wrote about him is true except that he never offered to raise her child." "If any of you exchanged e-mails or phone calls with Amy in which she shared any information that might help us to locate her please, please write to me here." "Amy is a wonderful girl with a remarkable spirit." "She's my life, my whole heart." "Since her disappearance, on nights when I can't sleep I read and reread Amy's postings." "I read all of your e-mails and comments too, even the most vicious of them." "I ask myself:" "Who would want to hurt my daughter?" "I hear the answer:" "everyone."