" Mom, who's gonna be there?" " Yeah, who?" "Well, your Uncle Rolo, Aunt Rose, Aunt Aggie." "She's neat." "All your cousins." "It will be fun." " But what will we do?" " Yeah, what?" "Well, remember last year, you loved the tree house." "You watched the home movies Grandpa made of us... when we were kids." "Did we bring our cameras?" "There's the house." "My foot!" "Now, I know how Columbus felt: shlumpy." "Hi, Dad." "Looks like we're the first ones here." " How you feeling, Dad?" " I can't complain." " Hi, Grandpa." "Did you miss me?" " I've missed you both." "Hi, Max." "How are you?" "Hi, Gramps." "How are you?" "How are you, Dwayne?" "What you see is what you get, Levi." " Your luck changed?" " What?" "Luck?" "No, luck hasn't changed." "In fact, this is true... last week I caught a cold... and I got some of that new stuff that opens up your nasal passages... and while they were open, I caught another cold." "So, luck hasn't changed." " Is that your baby sister?" " Who else?" "Female Warren Beatty." "Takes a licking but keeps on ticking." ""I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille."" "Hi, Daddy." "How you feeling?" "I feel great." "Just seeing you makes me feel good." "Good enough." "Good work, guys." "Kind of stupid, isn't it?" "You were supposed to fill this up yesterday." "Why do I always have to take care of everything?" "Why?" "Because it's the summertime, and I'm not even supposed to be here." " But you are here." " Would you two grow up!" "See, now you got the kids into it." "Hi." "How's it going?" "Hi." "What's with Crow?" "Don't you read the papers?" "Yes, but the ones I read don't have comics." "Well, he lost his curveball." "You know pitchers, they're all head cases." " Where's Dad?" " He's out by the pool." "All right then, be that way." "Grandpa!" "Dawn." "The windmill!" "Are you going to stand there all day?" "Cy Blue." "Blue!" "Go on, get out there." "Put this on, Dad." " Don't fuss over me, Ruby." " You'll catch a chill." "It's Billi and Rolo." " You stink." " Should I put it in park, Mom?" " Well done, darling." " Thanks, Mom." "That was outstanding." "Yeah, right." "Okay." "Okay, but we do have some alternatives." "We could fire him." "We could hire a coach or..." " Grandpa!" " Hi, Aunt Ruby." "How are you, Gramps?" "Hi, Gramps." "Was that you, Kane, behind the wheel of that van?" " Billi let me drive from the gas station." " Well, I'll be darned." " Guys, come on up!" " Yeah, come on up!" "Go ahead." "Where's Rolo?" "In the van, on the phone." "Hello, Doc." "I see you're teaching the young pup some new tricks." "Well, as we used to say in good old London town... if you can't teach an old dog new tricks, get a new one." "How's the writing coming?" "Very nicely, thank you." "I've been hired to do a screenplay." "Who said nepotism was dead?" "It's not for his studio." "It's a cross between In The Heat Of The Night... and Beverly Hills Cop." "You know, high-concept with top spin." "Eddie Murphy plays an agent who stumbles onto a murder case in South Africa." "I'm quite sure it will be a big summer hit." "Black comedy?" "Sounds like a great picture." " Where's everyone?" " In the kitchen." "Come on." " You want anything, Dad?" " No, I'm all right." " We'll see you later." " You bet." "Hey, it's me, Rolo Rockwell!" "He's matured quite a bit, don't you think?" "You wouldn't believe the traffic on the LIE." "It was murder!" "It's a good thing you were on the phone all the time." "Happy birthday, Dad." " A bit overdressed, aren't you, son?" " Well, I came right from work, Dad." "How is the movie business?" "Is this a trick question?" "Don't ask." "Dad, I need your opinion." "Writers don't have opinions." "Only words." " Producers have opinions." " Thanks, Dad." "You look great, Dad." "You really do." "Cy, what are you doing?" "He's getting really old." " Who's getting old?" " Dad." "Come off it." "Dad's always getting old." "Ever since I've known him, he's been getting old." "And he's known him all his life." "The older I get, the more I'm fascinated by the aging process." "How Mother Nature plays her little tricks." "That's why I have so many babies." "It's the old anti-nature routine, huh?" " I got to make a phone call." " I think Crow's on the phone." "Where is that guy?" "I got my own phone anyway." "How can they renegotiate the contract?" "What clause?" "I never read that thing." "I've been the number-one starter for three years now." "I'm at the father-in-law's." "You okay?" "Baseball:" "It's a kid's game." "One day I'll have to retire." "Hey, everybody's got to grow up sometime." "Nobody likes getting old." "It's easy for you to say." "You can be an old producer." "You just can't be an old baseball player." "I got a busload of lawyers." "You want a lawyer?" "No, I got a lawyer." "I got an agent, got an accountant, got a business manager." "What I don't got is a curveball." "This is when I was eight." "I miss the city." "The pollution... the crime... the noise." "I'm an emotional wreck." "I really am." " Hi, Kane." " Hi, Aunt Aggie." " How you doing?" " Okay." "Gosh, you've grown up." "Thanks." "How was your ride out?" "It was great." "Mom let me drive." " No!" " Yeah, she did." " It was great." " I bet it was." "Bye." "What are you talking about?" "The company can't afford that." "You know it." "Stavros, why isn't the script ready?" "That's no excuse, the writer doesn't speak English!" "I mean, you can't speak English." "Hold on a minute, I got to change ears." "Anderson looks." "He sets and delivers, and it's low and inside." "That will load them up." "And I think we may have seen the last of Anderson." "And, yes, that's gonna be it." "Here comes Davis out of the dugout." "He's heading for the mound and he's..." " Where should we go now?" " How about the beach?" "But we don't have our bathing suits." "We'll go swimming this afternoon." "Hey, Blue, come on!" "Did you bring the list?" "Get some Brussels sprouts while you're at it." "Brussels sprouts!" "Lately, I've been depressed." "I don't know if I can do standup comedy anymore, Levi." "I keep hiding behind famous people because it's easier." "I used to be funny." "I mean, I really was." "How can a person wake up one day, and suddenly not be funny?" "I don't know." "Something's wrong with me." "Maybe I need vitamins." "You ever get like this, Levi?" "No." "My life is 90 percent memory." "Past." "That's all there is." "I'm just happy I'm regular." "Got any jokes you want to try on me?" "All right, maybe I'm old fashioned, but I don't approve of belly dancers." "I mean, why can't they dance on the floor, like everybody else?" "Got any more?" "Can I get this?" "Aggie, is that necessary?" "I want these." " Are you taking those, too?" " Absolutely." "You guys, hurry up!" " Do you have enough money?" " I paid." "Blue, come on!" "If I have to come and get you, you're going to be really sorry." "Blue, come on." "What's he looking at?" "Yeah, what's the big deal?" ""Rocket Gibraltar."" "It's yours if you want it, Blue." "Were you sleeping, Grandpa?" "I was dreaming." "Threatened to vanish completely." "Drink this, Grandpa." "Dawn and I made it fresh." "It's lemonade." "Thanks, Blue." "It's good for you, Grandpa." "It has vitamin C, I think." "Vitamin C." "Thanks, Grandpa." "Just take it up." "Okay, guys, here comes the food." "Okay, looks good." "We got a $10 million campaign." ""Olfaction." A profile of Cyrano de Bergerac's nose." ""The Nose Knows."" ""The Nose Knows!" I love it." "Cyrano de Bergerac. "The Nose Knows."" " You want to be my writer?" " Oh, no." " Your wife can't be your writer." " Oh, yeah?" "Who says?" "It just wouldn't be funny." "I guarantee it." "Well, what about Burns and Allen?" "Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis?" "I think I've outdone myself with the fish." "It's the marinade." "It's all in the marinade, darling, you know?" "What is that on top of it, Rolo?" " It looks like dill." " You like vegetable?" "Pay attention to Dwayne." "He's got a new joke." "It's about belly dancers." "You're on, Dwayne." "Dad, you're putting me on the spot here." "They're going to put tomatoes on yo-yos, so they can hit me twice." "I got it." "Oh, no, not the phone." "Yeah, Rockwell." "The date of the week." "Oh, come on." "Is your wife there?" " Who's that?" " Probably Aunt Aggie's new BF." "Yeah, that makes sense." " You think she's sexy?" " Who, Aunt Agnes?" " I wouldn't throw her out of bed." " Yeah, 'cause you got the top bunk." " Isn't my family great, Vinnie?" " It's Tony." " I'm sorry." " My name's Tony." "I knew it ended with a "nie."" "They're wonderful." "So, what's your family like, Tony?" "They're just regular people." "Like us?" "Except, you know, different." "Like, they're crazy." "Like, they're crazy in a different way, you know." "They talk different." "You want to go into the barn and fool around?" " What about your father?" " It's okay." " He's right over here." " It's all right." "Come on!" "You're his agent, why don't you do something?" "What'd you get Grandpa for his birthday?" " Nothing." " What did you get him?" "I made him a birthday card, made out of ice cream sticks, glued on with Elmer's." "Ice cream sticks?" "Yeah." "Four of them, so they form the number 77." "I didn't get him anything." " I didn't get him anything." " Not me." "Nobody did." "Go ahead, Flora, it's your pick." "What am I gonna do with this card?" " What's the score, guys?" " Thirteen-eight." " Whose favor?" " His." "Okay, it's my serve." " Hey, where's Blue going?" " I don't know." "I'm gonna take a look." "Hey, Dawn!" "Come on, you guys." " There he is." " Cy?" "Hey, that's quite a roll." "Are you okay?" " Attaboy." " Gramps?" "What do you want for your birthday?" "Peace on earth." "Peace on earth, that's all." "Peace on earth?" "We mean, what would you want for a present, Grandpa?" "I don't want anything." "A man like me doesn't need anything." "Don't need ties." "Don't wear ties anymore." "I don't need socks." "I got more socks than I could ever wear... even if I never did another washing." "There's one thing, though." "Vikings say, "Cattle die, kin die, one day even you shall die." ""The only thing that never dies is judgment of the dead."" "That's it." "A funeral." "A proper funeral." "A Viking funeral." " What's a Viking?" " I don't know." "Minnesota Vikings." "They wear purple uniforms." "No, Max, we're not talking about football players." "We're talking about Scandinavian Vikings." "Norsemen." "Seamen." "Great seamen." "Come on." "Let's sit down and face the sea." "A thousand years ago, 500 years before Columbus, they crossed the Atlantic." "They had great ships, magnificent vessels for their time." "You see, the sea was their whole life." "The sea and their boats." "And in celebrating death..." "Yes, you could say celebrating, they used them both." "The families of the great Vikings... took the body of their loved one and put it on a ship." "They covered it with straw." "And as the sun was setting, they cast the boat into the water." "They built huge bonfires on the beach." "The priest blew into a ram's horn." "Then the men would light the tips of their arrows in the bonfires... and shoot them at the ship." "It must have been so beautiful." "Fire on the water." "Legend has it that if the color of the setting sun... and the color of the burning boat are the same... then that Viking has led a good life." " And in the afterlife he will go to..." " Viking Heaven?" "Yes, that's it." "Exactly." "Something like that." "All night long, the Viking men, women, and children... watched the burning boat in the water." "When dawn came, only ashes were left." "Complete obliteration." "Carried by the currents to the four corners of the earth." "Fresh." "Beautiful." "Vanished completely." "Like a dream." "Kane, help me." "Now, isn't that better than being buried in the earth?" "Absolutely." "Definitely the best way to go." "Buried in the earth, the body decays." "It lies there dead, rotting... while slimy, starving worms suck you to the very bone." "Not a pretty picture, is it?" "No." "We all like the Viking funeral idea better." "I hate worms." "Come on, men." "Nothing's so good as a midnight pee in the ocean." "Nothing's as good as a midnight pee in the ocean." "Go back to sleep, Cy." " I got one question." " What's the question?" "Can we give the Rocket Gibraltar to Grandpa for his birthday present?" "What are you talking about?" "What is the "Rocket Gibraltar"?" "Go back to bed, Blue." "Go back to bed, Blue." "You're waking everybody up." "We'll talk about it in the morning." "I'll call you tomorrow." "Bye." "I'll see you all tomorrow." "Bye." "I'm telling you, Rose, that girl has no shame." " Let's face it, she's a tramp." " Do you really think so?" "Do you remember when Dad caught her in the barn with four basketball players?" "I thought that was you." " Hey, where you going, son?" " To get Grandpa his birthday present." "Hey, that's a good idea, Cy Blue." "Hey, that reminds me, I've got to get him something." " What did you get him?" " I don't know yet." "Dad, have you seen Blue?" "He's back there." "Said he's picking out a present for your Granddad." "Okay, so, I'm having dinner with Charles Manson last night... and he says to me, "Dwayne, is it hot in here or am I crazy?"" "That's a historical joke." "I'll let you know when there's a funny one coming." "Blue, Dawn, wait up!" "I wish our bikes could just fly, like in E. T." "Max." "Real cute, Max." "Don't you get it?" "E. T. was a movie, we're real." "I think it's Freudian." "Nymphomania is like hysteria." "Aided and abetted by some abnormal glandular condition." "So what does that mean?" "That I'm sick in the head or sick in the body?" "What do you think?" "Which one, Crow?" "I didn't hear what you said." "Where is everybody?" " Morning, Daddy." " Good morning, Aggie." " How's my sweetheart?" " Good morning, sir." "Sir?" "Didn't you see Leave It To Beaver?" "I'm doing Eddie Haskell." "It seems we have a dog in the house." "A dog, Dad?" " I heard one moaning last night." " That's impossible." "Moaning and barking." "Well, didn't anybody hear it?" "Oh, yeah." "Come to think of it, there was an awful racket." "Aggie." " I didn't want for Vinnie to think that..." " Tony!" "Okay, Tony." "I didn't want to hurt his feelings." "To think I was faking passion or anything." "So I added a little bit of extra." "I don't remember barking, though." "What's the big secret?" "Blue says we should fix up the Rocket Gibraltar... and give it to Grandpa for his birthday." "What would he want this cruddy old boat for?" "He says Grandpa can use it for his funeral." "Is Grandpa gonna die?" "No, Grandpa's not gonna die." "Is he?" "He's not gonna die." "Don't worry about it." "What is it, Dwayne?" "Which do you prefer?" "Ring Dings or Orange Milanos?" " Orange Milanos." " Oh, good." "Here." "It might float." " How can we fix this up?" " At least it's something new." " Let's do it." " Yeah." "It might be fun." "Okay, you guys... all in favor of fixing up this cruddy boat for Grandpa's birthday... raise their hand." "Great." "It's anonymous." " Hey, where's he going?" " Beats me." "See, Kane, I told you to spell it "ET."" "It's still gonna take some work, smart ass." "That's right." "Kane's being realistic." "Let's go." "I hope Dad likes that book." "What the hell do you get him, anyway?" " I did like the shape of that hat." " The color was all wrong." " Well, it's too expensive, anyway." " What's too expensive?" "I need to go to the beach." "How can anybody stand to wear clothes in this heat?" " We could go to the topless beach." " That's great." "I forgot my hat, anyway." " Fred Astaire tapes." " That's the ticket." "Okay, guys, we don't have all day." "Man, this tool box is heavy." " You got it?" " Yeah, almost." " This is gonna be good, guys." " Come on." "Pump, Blue, pump." "Go." " Hey, Max, wait up." "Wait up!" " Where'd Emily go?" "She went to the library." "Watch it." "We got to get power for the sander from the house down there." "Now, unravel the extension cord." "Tie it together." "What do I do with this again?" "Take the two ends... tie them together... then plug it in." "Hope this works." "All right!" "I really don't care if you call me a nympho." "It's a sure guarantee I'll never do a porno." "Come again?" "You really don't understand anything about acting, do you?" "A nympho who's an actress couldn't do a porno... because then it wouldn't be acting." "It would be real." "That's the most depressing thing I've ever heard." "Hey, Rose, check it out." "Look at that girl strut." " She's a healthy girl." " She's a sexpot." "She's a sexpot" "Hit a man's weak spot" "She can't help what she's got" "'Cause what she's got is real hot" "You can dress her up, but you can't take her anywhere." " Soup's on." " We got the food." " It's about time." "I'm starving!" " Me, too." " Emily, can I have something to drink?" " Help yourself." "Have a nice trip, Blue?" "Have any apples?" "Can I have a red one, please?" "Sit by me, Emily." "Look at these." "Yeah, just like Grandpa's model." "What you got, Blue?" "This one's pretty." "I like that picture." "Man, who made these sandwiches?" "They are really good." " Dawn and Flora." " Good work." "Hey, look at this sail." " Hello, Blue." " Hi, Gramps." "I was hoping you'd come along." " Want to stay for lunch?" " Sure." "You know, when people hear me talking to myself... they think I'm crazy." "Well, I know that I'm not crazy, so I don't care." "Niagara Falls." "I like fish." "I like to catch them, cook them, and eat them." "Our lunch." "You're gonna like this." "A couple of bay leaves." "A little salt." "Stir." " Do you think we'll have it ready in time?" " We better." "Guys, I saw something we could use for a mast." "It's about time." " Hooray." " Can I have the sand paper?" "Stop looking around and get to work." "Come on." "Can you give me that pillow over there?" "Please?" "Hey, Dawn." " Ain't that the best food you ever tasted?" " Yeah, it's real good." "Man is smarter than fish." "Man eats fish, fish don't eat man." "What are you saying?" "Except for the what?" " Shark in Jaws." " Shark in Jaws?" "You got me there." "The shark in Jaws is the exception that proves the rule." "There's plenty more, you know." "Do you want another one?" "Eat some more." "Okay, come on." "Let's go in." " No, I don't want to go in tide pools." " We'll play Frisbee, then." "Come on." "I don't want to play Frisbee." "Oh, no." " Crow, you want to play Frisbee?" " No, I'm gonna go jogging." " It will get your mind off baseball." " No, I never throw anything plastic." "You know, this must be one of the best books ever written." " Something you wrote?" " Unfortunately not." "Have you ever read it?" "No." "I faint at the sight of blood." " Billi, you really ought to get some sun." " I don't like the sun." " Then why come to the beach?" " I like the beach, I just don't like the sun." "Right." "Well, that explains everything." "Where is everyone?" " They're playing Frisbee." " I detest Frisbee." "If anyone wants to know, I'm going to play golf." "That's nice." "If I could just avoid these damn sand traps everywhere." "Hey, guys, I got the sail!" " All right!" " Help me unfold it." " Hey, where'd you find those?" " You guys put yours down." " Great job, guys." " Where'd you find it?" " Put it in the boat." " It was just down there a little ways." "Somebody untangle that rope." "Okay, you ready?" "Keep it upwards." " Down, don't you mean?" " Down." "Well, I meant..." " Got it?" " Okay, it's going in." "Watch it." "And in!" "All right!" "Okay." "Come on." "Let's help them with this." " Kane, can I paint it, too?" " Yeah." "Sure." "There's an extra brush." "You're good." "I'm having so much fun at this job." "I'm so glad I was nominated to supervise the operation." "Heave ho!" "I'll help Orson." "We're really doing it!" "Grandpa?" "Blue?" "Where are you going?" " What's the little turd up to now?" " He's just weird." " Blue's got this thing." "He's psychotic." " Definitely." "No, I mean he's psychic." "He knows stuff." "Where are you going?" "Blue, what are you doing?" "It's Grandpa, Dawn." "Something happened to Grandpa." "Grandpa?" "He's not up there, Dawn." "Oh, my God." "Grandpa?" "Dawn, what are we gonna do?" "The most important thing is not to panic." "Yeah, that's it." "Don't panic." "Understand?" "Yeah, don't panic." "Right, now, I saw something like this in health class." "The most important thing is not to panic." "I'm not panicking." "Okay." "Now, help me roll Grandpa over." "Run into the kitchen and get me a glass of water." "And call Dr. B. His number's up next to the fridge." "Dr. B wasn't there, but I talked to some lady." "She said she would tell him." "What the hell am I doing here?" "You fainted, Grandpa." "Yeah, you fainted." "Help me." " Hi, Grandpa." " Hi, Gramps." "So what was the big hurry, Cy?" "I had to go to the bathroom." "You could have peed in the field." "But I wanted to use the bathroom." "What's going on?" "Yeah, what is going on?" "Come on, you guys, leave him alone." "We'll tell you later." "Yes." "That's right." "We ordered the large tent." "Okay." "I think the blue-and-white striped one is fine." "Just a minute." "Let me ask my brother." " Rolo?" " What?" "Should we get the striped tent or the polka dot?" "The polka dot." "The striped one is fine." "Okay." "Tomorrow morning." " Hi, everyone!" " Hi, Dr. B." "Great." "Bye." "Can I fix you a drink?" "Thanks, that's very kind of you, but I've had enough already." "Everywhere I go today, everybody's having a party... and they keep offering me liquid refreshments." "It's too hot a day to say no." " Where's the old geezer?" " He's up in his room resting, Doc." "Sure you won't have a little martini?" "Well, maybe on my way out, Rosy." "Keep it chilled." "Hi, Doc." "Hello, Doc." "What have you got for me today?" "I'm just going to look you over." "See how you're behaving." "This radio mike is a great idea." "Not to mention that it came from a girl." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, if this doesn't work, Kane, you're the fall guy." " That radio mike cost Dad $120." " It will work." "Take off your shirt." "Careful." "Watch out." "Don't worry." "It's all under control." "Come on." " Yeah!" "Great shot!" " Nice, Kane." "One more." "All right." "Now, put your shirt on." "Turn it up higher." "Pear Brandy, Doc." "It worked!" "Twentieth century." "What will they think of next?" "Are we celebrating something?" "Yeah, the two docs." "To the pair-a-docs." "To the paradox!" " What are you children up to?" " Quiet." " Turn it down." " It's Princess Di." "Hi, Mom." "Bloody hi to you, too." "What's going on up there?" "We're planning a surprise." "Yeah, that's it, a surprise for Grandfather." "Why don't you surprise us and get cleaned up and dressed for supper?" "Okay, Mom." "We'll be down in five minutes." "There's something I've always wanted to ask you, Hank." "You've never quite forgiven me for marrying Helen, have you?" "To tell you the truth, at the time..." "At the time, I thought she was making the worst mistake of her life." "I said, "Helen, how can you marry that idealistic..." ""card-carrying pencil pusher when you could have me?" ""Damn fine doctor, a man who loves you..." ""a man who wants to give you everything you want in life." ""Now don't say you don't love me, because I know you do."" " And what'd she say?" " She said..." "You remember how young she was." " She was..." " 17." "You were twice that." "She always had that wisdom." "She said:" ""Hank, I am going to marry Levi..." ""not because I don't love you, because I love you very much." ""But it's because I love you that I'm marrying Levi."" " She said that?" " She did." "Confused me to no end." "And then she said, "The reason I'm marrying Levi..." ""and not you has nothing to do with love." ""The reason I'm marrying Levi is that he needs me and I need him." ""It's that simple."" "That's what she said." "Sounds like Helen." "Do you hear an echo in here, Doc?" "There it is again." "An echo." "Every time we..." "It's gone now." "I must be hearing things." "You know, not a day went by..." "Not a day goes by that I don't think of Helen." "Our wonderful, lovely, wise Helen." "She was only human." "And I couldn't save her from the cancer." "You're a fine doctor, Hank, but you're not God." "Not yet." "Come on." "Let's not get gloomy." "It's almost your birthday." "One more drink and I'm off." "How long have I got, Hank?" "Don't con me." "Not now." "How long?" " Like you just said, Levi, I ain't God." " Please." "Two weeks, maybe three?" "Maybe shmaybe." "Your guess is as good as mine." "What's it all about, Hank?" "How the hell should I know?" "You're the poet." "I'm only the doctor." "Would you believe two years?" "Two months?" "Two days?" "Now, get some sleep." "I'll see you tomorrow." "He's gonna be all right, isn't he?" "Sure, son." "He just needs some rest, that's all." "By the way, how's that arm of yours?" "I read about it in the paper." "The arm's all right, it's the damn shoulder." "I got a rotator cuff problem." "Rotator cuff?" "I never heard of it." "But then again, I'm from the Bob Feller-Dizzy Dean generation." "Anyway, good luck with it." " Are you sure Dad's gonna be all right?" " Sure, I'm sure." " He's not gonna die, is he?" " Die?" "Your father will outlive us all." "Ruby, I never told you this, but... your father's a hypochondriac." "He is." "He's the worst I ever met." "He just wants the attention, that's all." "Tomorrow he gets all the attention, right?" " Right, Dr. B." " Good." "You'll see." "Tomorrow he'll be up and dancing around like Fred Astaire." "Thanks, Doctor." "Come on." "Kids, nobody's eating the hamburgers and the hot dogs." "Do you know how I slaved?" "I got shrimps." "Who wants shrimps?" "Who's that?" "Aunt Aggie's new boyfriend." "What about the guy that was here last night?" " That was last night." " Okay." " Pass the salad." " Please." "Please, pass the salad." "Butthole." "Your old man wants to say something." "Something you've probably heard many times before." "But maybe these little bums will find this funny." "I'm talking about the 1950s." "A long time ago." "Thirty years ago, when I was a blacklisted teacher and writer... trying to feed my growing family, I, believe it or not, turned to comedy." "In the dark days of McCarthyism, the Cold War, and I Like Ike... when you were just little boys and girls, just like them..." "I became a comic." " Yeah." " Any requests?" " Garden of Eden." " No." "Now, that was a long time ago." "I remember all the trouble in the Garden of Eden." "The trouble that started when Eve bit into that piece of fruit." "I had the same problem myself, down in Mexico." "But there's something that always bothered me." "You take Adam and Eve." "Adam was an incredibly handsome man." "And Eve was an indescribably beautiful woman." "So where did all you ugly people come from?" "Now." "I'm a peaceful man." " How peaceful are you, Levi?" " I'm so peaceful I'm not even antibiotic." "But, seriously, folks." " I know a girl who was pure, really pure." " How pure was she, Dad?" "She was so pure, she was considered a fanatic in the Virgin Islands." "Was she dull?" "Was she dull?" "She had to go topless just to be a wallflower." "Come on, let's go." "Let me tell you something else about this lady." " Where are you guys going?" " You'll see." "I guess they don't like comedy." "More." "This girl's got a sister, and the sister is not pure." " Has this girl been around?" " Has she been around?" "She knows six house detectives by their first knock." "She's crossed more state lines than a Greyhound bus." "You see, she wants to love everybody." "Problem is, that she does it to one person at a time." "Women are getting bigger." "But if you don't think women are getting bigger... when was the last time you heard of one of them drowning?" "Hey, Dad, what about water pollution?" "Yes, water pollution." "Let me tell you how bad water pollution is." "Half the scuba equipment that's being sold is being sold to the fishes." "Is your wife Irish?" "I don't know if she's Irish." "I think she's Irish." "Every time I eat her cooking, I turn green." "I don't want to say she's getting fat." "But this morning, we had to let out the sofa." "The Fourth of July." "There's an interesting holiday." "Try explaining to your kids they can't buy fire crackers... while the government's buying H-bombs." "This next tune's going out to Levi Rockwell... celebrating his 77th birthday in Sagaponack." "Oh, yeah." "It's back." "The voodoo curveball is back!" "Kane, look at Crow." "He's got his curveball back." " Where?" " He was there just a minute ago." "Honest." "He got his curveball back." "I'm not kidding." "Yeah, and elephants can fly." "No, really, I saw it." "Go back to sleep." "You have to learn to tell the difference between what's a dream and what's real." "Now, go back to sleep or I'll make you go back in the house." "Good morning, Amanda." "Good morning to you, too." "My God." "Do people actually look this good so early in the morning?" "I'm in love." "That's nice." "Have you told your husband?" "It is my husband." "What do you mean?" "Never mind." " 'Morning, glories." " 'Morning." "Hi." "She's in love." "And with her own husband to boot." "Crow's got his voodoo curveball back." "Miracle of miracles." "Maybe now he'll stop being such a pain in the neck." "Here." "'Morning." "Your sister's glowing... because Crow has got his voodoo curveball back." "It's too early for sexual innuendoes and double-entendres." "I'm very happy for you, Rose." "Really." "Whatever it is." "I just hope you and Mr. Black, Mr. Stud had a very enjoyable evening last night... while some of us were trying to sleep." "Don't blame me, Jack, it was Crow." "I was up all night, too." "'Morning." "Don't look at me like that." "It wasn't me who was barking." "I swear." " Quiet, Blue." " How?" "You have to say how?" "How, Cy?" "How will we get the Rocket Gibraltar here for Grandpa's birthday?" "Kid's got a point." "I'll ask Mom." "We've got a trailer hitch on our van." " There's an old boat trailer in the barn." " Great idea." "I want to get dressed." "I don't know about you guys." "I'm going back to bed." "Crow, you old boy, I got something for you, buddy." "Here." "It's just what I need." "I think the orange juice growers of America must have invented these things." "Excuse me, Mo." "The New York Times doesn't have a comic section." " Is that number two?" " Well, number two is the killer!" "The secret of a really great..." "Ag, what is it?" "Ag, what's the matter?" "Listen, you, if you've done anything to hurt my sister, I'm gonna..." "No, it's not that." " What is it?" " I just miss Mom." "Every time I see this bowl, all I can think of is poor Mom." "You don't even remember her." "Nobody ever talks about her." "It's like she never even existed." "Aggie, we all miss Mom." " Yeah, I miss her all the time." " Can we go visit Mom's grave, please?" " Today?" " Yeah." "Right now." "The party's almost taken care of." "Please, Ruby?" "Why not?" "Anything to stop this childish display of sentimentality." " Dwayne, lighten up." " I'm just kidding." "Dad's still asleep." "But we'll leave him a note." "I think it's a perfectly charming idea." "Beautiful Sunday, bouquets of flowers, remembrance of things past." "A grave, depression, death." "I'm just kidding." "Poor Grandma." " What?" " Poor Grandma." "Oh, yeah, poor Grandma." "Bad worms." " Worms?" " Yeah, worms." "What do you mean, worms?" "Really icky worms." "They ate up Grandma." "What did he say?" "Worms." "Kids, this is where your Grandpa's going to be buried when he dies." "But what if he doesn't want to be buried there?" "This is our family plot, Orson." "One day we'll all be buried here." " I still say we ask them." " Are you kidding?" "We can't ask them." "They don't understand anything." "I hate them." "Max, you said that already." "But what are we gonna do?" "Poor Grandpa." "Worms." "Work!" "Yes." "I know it's Sunday, damn it, but, no..." "We're already three weeks behind and you haven't even started yet!" "What?" "What do you mean you got director's block?" "Who do you think you are?" "Nic Ray?" "Looks like my ride's here." "Well, so long, old guy." "Hey, I want to leave this with you." "Don't get up." "If you get a minute, you might want to watch me, you know." "I will." "Goodbye." "Keep the ball down, stay ahead of the batters." "You bet." "Happy birthday." "I can't believe you're leaving right before Dad's party!" "I haven't got time to party, I got to go play ball!" "Besides, I wish you'd all wise up." "This isn't Levi's party." "Look at all this." "This is your party." "Watch the game!" "It's dedicated to Doc." "So long!" "Bye!" "Come in." "Hi, Dad." "Sit down." "I got to have someone sit down with me... when I listen to Billie Holiday, otherwise I cry." "Getting sentimental?" "No, it's just that... sometimes I lose control." "Happy birthday." "Oh, dear, dear." "Presents." ""To Dad."" "Sorry, Dad." "It's the room and the music." "They still remind me of Mom." "Why, this is wonderful." "Jackson Pollock." "The man was a pompous ass." "But, oh, his work." "You couldn't give me..." "Look." "My, oh my." "Will you come down in a little while?" "Yeah, I'll be along in a little bit." "I just want to look at this for a minute." "Thanks, Ruby." "You must be especially..." "How do you say?" "Careful to empty the ashtray of the guests." "This you must do every 10 minutes." "I don't wish to see cigarette buttocks all over the nice fresh grass." "What are we gonna do?" "Well, does anybody have any ideas?" "Go ahead, Cy." "You are the boy genius." "Cy, you can put your hand down now." "I think we should ask Grandpa." "He'll know what we should do." " That makes no sense." " Sure it does." " Sure it does." " What are you?" "An echo?" "What if Grandpa told our moms and dads he wanted a Viking funeral?" "They'd have him committed in two seconds." "No, they wouldn't." "They love him as much as we do." "Maybe even more." "If he told them, they'd have to help us move the boat to the house." "Brilliant, Blue!" "Hi, Daddy." " You all look like you've seen a ghost." " Are you okay, Dad?" "I'm fine." "I couldn't be better." "Dwayne, would you turn that record, please." "Well, now, tell me, how's my birthday party going?" "Fine." "Everyone's having fun." "Happy birthday, Dad." "I love you all very much." "Love you too, Dad." "I must be getting old." "What do you got there?" " It ain't a tie, Dad." " Thank God for that." "I don't have much use for ties anymore." "Let me see what we got here." "I'll read this later." "Should I give you a hint?" "Honey, you're beautiful, but don't sing." "I'm just kidding." "Fred Astaire movies." "Well, I'll be damned." "Fred Astaire, Rita Hayworth." "You said if you could be like anybody else, you'd be like Fred Astaire." "Actually, it was your mom who said that." "She said that if she could marry anyone but me... it would have to be Fred Astaire." "Mom loved to dance." "I suppose I should go down to my own party." "But I think I'll stay here a little while longer." "Billi, could you put that on?" "It's always good to wait till the last minute before you make your entrance." "More dramatic that way." "Don't look at me like that." "I mean, if you insist upon staring at me..." "I'm gonna have to ask you to leave." "Why don't you just go downstairs and have some fun?" "You all still know what fun is, don't you?" "You'll come down soon, though, won't you?" "Sure." "I'll be down." "I just want to stay here and enjoy Fred and Rita..." "Billie and Jackson." "I'll be down to blow out the candles." "Strawberry shortcake?" "Yeah, strawberry shortcake, Dad." "Hurry up, all right?" "Come on, hurry up." "The party's already started." "Jeez, look at this place." "We'll never get the Rocket into the backyard now." " They're probably drunk by now, anyway." " What a zoo." "These people must be desperate for fun." "What happened to you?" "Everyone's been worried sick." " Now, upstairs and get washed." " Mom." "What's the matter?" "We didn't get Grandpa's present because..." "That's all right." "It doesn't matter, darling." "It does." "We got him something real special." "Kids, come on, get with it, everybody's waiting for you." "Who's everyone?" "Come on, get upstairs, change your clothes." "Let's have some fun." "We hate fun." " There's plenty of food." " We're not hungry." "What's this gang up to?" "They're not hungry." "They hate fun, and they're not joining the party." "As long as you are members of this family... you're expected to attend your grandfather's birthday party... which your parents have spent weeks organizing." "I want you to go upstairs, get dressed, and when you come back..." "I expect you to party hearty." "Come on!" " Is he?" " I think so." "You mean you can't tell?" "How should I know?" "I'm not a doctor." "You touch him." " What's she doing?" " Turning up the sound loud." " No." " I'd say he's dead." " Now he'll never see our present." " You're right." "Grandpa?" " I'll get Mom." " Wait." " What are we gonna do?" " They're gonna bury him in the family plot." "There's only one thing we can do." "Get him out of here, and put him on the Rocket Gibraltar." "Yeah, right." " Dad?" " Mom, wait outside." "Are you crazy?" "We need some private time with Grandpa." " He's listening to David Bowie." " Grandpa's listening to David Bowie?" " He's his favorite singer." " His favorite singer is Billie Holiday." " David's his favorite new singer." " Yeah, that's it." "Come on, that's why we need some privacy." "He's really getting into it." "Yeah." "He's in another world." " Sure." "He loves it." " He does?" "Yeah." "Get hip, Ma." " We'll be down in a few minutes." " Okay?" "But come down soon, and bring your grandfather." "We're about to light the candles on the cake." " Do you promise you'll hurry up?" " We promise." " That was close." " Well done, you guys." "Outstanding." "We've got to hurry." "We've got to get Grandpa out of here." "You three, go get the bows and arrows, and gasoline and stuff." "Somebody get some ties out of the closet." " Boy, he's heavy." " Come on." "Hold on." " I'm losing him." " Just hold on." " But he's too heavy." " Wait, I can't hold on anymore." " Is he hurt?" " I don't think he felt a thing." "You guys hang here." "I'm gonna check outside." " What for?" " A getaway car." " Worms." " Nope." "No worms." "My God, it's adults." "And they're dressed." "Cy, hurry!" " Cy, get in quick." " Come on, hurry up." " You know where the brakes are?" " One of these pedals down here." " Let's move." " Come on, let's go." "Excuse me, please." "Streisand's great, but she's not right for it." " It's time to get Dad and roll out the cake." " Good idea." "I hope the kids are dressed." "No worms." "Where the hell's my van?" " They're gone." " What?" "They're gone." " What'd she say?" " She said they're gone." " Who's gone?" " They took my van!" " Somebody took my van!" " Who?" "Monsieur Henri, what happened to your accent?" "No worms!" " I can't believe it!" " Calm down." "Now, who's gone?" " The kids." "Dad." "They're not in the house." " Sure?" " I'm sure." "I checked everywhere." " That's terrific." "Their bikes are there." "Maybe the kids took the van." "Where would the rascals go?" "Do you suppose Dad took them for a ride?" " Great party." "Congratulations." " Doc, he's not up there." " Where the hell is he?" " We're trying to find out." " Their bikes are still here." " We know." " Must have gone out somewhere together." " Where to?" "I don't know." "On a joy ride in that van!" " You think Dad went driving with the kids?" " I think Kane..." "I got to tell you something." "Levi's heart couldn't withstand a long pee much less an escapade in a bumpy van." "What?" "Your father has an aneurysm in his aorta." "He's had it for some time." "He'll be lucky if he lasts out the month." "I didn't want to tell you." "I'm sorry." "I've got to get back to the hospital." "When you find him, give him this." "It's an old picture of your mother." "Call me if you need me." " Let's get the Rocket down here." " What about the bonfire?" "We'll get Grandpa in the boat, then we'll gather driftwood." " Okay, guys." " Come on, let's go." " I'm trying." " Come on." "Come on, let's push." " Let's try the harbor." " No, let's try Sag Main Beach." "Almost got it." "Just a couple more inches." "Let's get Grandpa." " Where could they be?" " I don't know." "But now that I think about it, they've been acting really strange all weekend." "You know, it's things like that, that makes me glad I don't have kids." "What could Dad be thinking?" " Almost there." "Come on." " Yeah, we got him." "Here's some wood over here." "I got a big one." "Pile it on." " That ought to do it." " Can we light it now?" "Not until we get the boat in the water." "Come on, let's get it." "Happy birthday, Grandpa." "This is your present from us." "No worms, Grandpa." "Let's go." "Okay." "Come on." "Ready?" " Come on, guys." "We can do it." " Push." "Okay, stop." "I told you, I left my registration in my pocketbook." "You need to have your registration..." " I wasn't talking to you." " Good afternoon." "I suggest you all get back in your cars." "I can explain everything." "We were in the middle of a birthday party when we discovered..." "Come on, Kane, get it all around." "When can we light the fire?" " When can we?" " Soon." "Come on." "Faster." "Let's go." " Now can we light the bonfire?" " Yeah." "We have to get the boat in the water." "Come on." "We almost got it." "We're almost there." "Okay, let's light the bonfire." "Where should we go now?" "We'll look from the dunes." " Who's going to shoot the arrow?" " Orson and me." " Come on!" " Sorry." "Get this in the water." "There they are." "That's them." "What the hell are they doing?" "There's a weird little boat." "Do you see Dad?" " My God!" " What?" "Let's go!" "Get the arrows, quick!" "Come on, Kane." "You can do it!" "Stop!" "Quick, come on!" "Their whole life was the sea, the sea and their boats." "And in celebrating death, yes, you could say celebrating... they used both." "The families of the Vikings would put the body of their loved one on the ship... cover it with straw... and then as the sun was setting, cast it away into the water." "They would light huge bonfires on the beach... then the Vikings would light the tips of their arrows in the bonfire... and shoot them at the ship." "It must have been so beautiful." "Fire on the water." "Legend has it that if the color of the setting sun... and the color of the burning ship were the same... then that Viking had led a good life, and in the afterlife... he would go to Viking Heaven." "Yes." "All night long, the Viking men, women, and children... watched the ship with the body that burned on the water." "By dawn, all that was left was ashes." "Complete obliteration." "Carried by the currents to the four corners of the earth." "Fresh and beautiful." "Vanished completely." "Like a dream."