"(RAIN PATTERING)" "(THUNDER RUMBLING)" "(YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE PLAYING)" "Jesus Christ!" "♪ You are my sunshine, my only sunshine" "(EXHALES SHARPLY)" "♪ You make me happy when skies are gray" "♪ You'll never know, dear, how much I love you" "♪ Please don't take my sunshine away" "♪ The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping" "♪ I dreamt I held you in my arms" "♪ And when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken" "♪ And I hung my head and I cried" "♪ You are my sunshine, my only sunshine" "♪ You make me happy when skies are gray" "♪ You'll never know, dear, how much I love you" "♪ Please don't take my sunshine away ♪" "(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)" "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Clementina!" "Oh, go on." "Answer it." "No!" "Don't tell me that's not working out already." "Beep." "But she's lovely, Davin." "But you've only been seeing her for like two months." "Two months and actually a week on top of that, so that's nine weeks." "What was it this time?" "Her left eye..." "Oh, God!" "This is serious, becomes slightly lazy when she laughs." "And that's it." "That is a valid reason." "What about the last girl, Claire?" "Gummy Anna?" "Yeah." "What..." "Purple." "Purple gums." "That's right." ""Hey!" "How are you doing?" Mmm-hmm." ""It's me, Anna."" "And, uh, remember the Galway girl?" "Um, how were her gums?" "Her gums are actually fine, but what was wrong with her was her endless humming." "(LAUGHS) But not songs." "No songs." "Just endless, mindless, tuneless humming." "(HUMMING)" "(CHUCKLING)" "Reading. (HUMMING)" "Driving. (HUMMING)" "Walking." "(LAUGHING)" "These things are signs." "No, they are not." "They are normal human characteristics." "You are gonna end up on your own, alone, forever." "Don't you want to find someone to love?" "Jesus, Fionan!" "Who are you, my fucking mother?" "When I find someone, I'll let you know." "Okay." "How's the wedding plans going?" "Do you actually really wanna know?" "Yeah." "I'd like to talk about it." "Still a bit stressed?" "Each detail leads to the next detail and each decision is as important as the last." "It's exhausting." "You're a strange, strange man." "I know." "Oh!" "I shouldn't be showing you this, but if I can't show my best man, who can I show?" "What is that?" "Uh..." "She looks beautiful." "I am marrying this woman!" "Huh." "Congratulations, buddy." "FIONAN:" "I haven't shown her yet," "So, please, don't give the game away." "No." "Absolutely." "I tell you what, a little bit pressed for time 'cause we've got to go through the name cards and the menu fonts so..." "Here it is." "(GASPS) (THE BRIDAL CHORUS PLAYING)" "(LAUGHING)" "Did..." "Did you make this?" "I'm a theater set designer." "Okay." "That is an enormous relief." "So, what do you think, Linda?" "What I think?" "Wow, Finan..." "Actually it's Fionan." "Oh, I'm sorry, Fionan." "Uh, one more time, Linda." "Fionan." "Fionan." "Fion-awn." "Fion-awn." "Fion-awn." "Fion-awn." ""Awn."" ""Awn."" ""Awn." Fion-awn." "Fion-awn." "Fion-awn." "Thank you." "RUTH:" "So sorry I'm late, guys." "Hi!" "Work is mental." "Don't worry." "Hi!" "Hey!" "(GASPS)" "Linda, what is this?" "LINDA:" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Fionan." "Surprise!" "No!" "Yes!" "Look..." "This is us." "This is where we enter." "Speeches take place over there." "I don't know what to say." "It's so cute." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Oh!" "It's the florist." "Oh, do you want me to..." "No, I'll..." "Hello." "Look at this, Linda." "So intricate." "Isn't it?" "Also a little mad." "I know, but..." "Well, he's certainly not your average groom-to-be." "Not your usual guy." "In what way?" "Most guys don't give a shit about details." "Usually they just nod and smile, and scrub up for the day." "Very few of them make a dolls house." "Oh, it's a diorama." "Yeah, that's the word." "And he is so metro." "Metro?" "Metrose..." "Politan." "Metropolitan." "Usually, the only plans men care about are the ones they make for their stag weekend." "Oh, no." "Fionan's not going on a stag." "Yeah, that makes sense." "That was the florist, Linda, saying the bouquets do not have to be ranunculus." "Oh!" "Did you have a conversation about ranunculus?" "I, um..." "Ranunculus." "FIONAN:" "I'm worried about Linda." "RUTH:" "Huh?" "FIONAN:" "Are you listening to me?" "I have problems with Linda." "We should fire her." "What?" "We are now a month from the wedding." "Yeah, a wedding that's gonna look like it took place in McDonald's." "Sit down." "Sit down." "Our wedding day is about me and you." "Not about place card fonts or thematic coherence." "The theme is us." "You got to focus on why we're marrying each other." "Focus on the why." "I'm so sorry." "I'm going nuts trying to make sure it's the best day in your life because..." "I already know it's going to be the best day in mine." "You don't have to try and make it perfect." "It'll already be the happiest day of my life." "DAVIN: ...but for me, the section of the book concerning Levin and agrarian reform engages the heart just as much because we stand rooted to the earth for far, far longer than we ever are in love." "So we'll leave that there." "Thanks, folks." "Hi!" "Hello." "So I was just passing through..." "Passing through?" "Okay." "Okay." "I need you to organize a stag for Fionan." "(CHUCKLING)" "Fionan's not a stag guy." "That is why I need you to organize a stag for Fionan." "Why do you want that?" "He's just getting a little bit too caught up in all of the..." "The wedding?" "Okay." "Yes." "Yes." "Yes." "Have you any ideas what we could do or..." "You go walking and hiking and, like, scaling mountains, and stuff..." "Yeah, I've still got the compass you gave me." "Oh, you still have that?" "It's a great compass." "Yeah." "Okay." "Well, I will float that." "You know, it is Fionan, so don't get your hopes up." "I am marrying him, Davin." "Yeah." "(LAUGHING)" "But get him up a mountain." "Seriously!" "Get him up a mountain." "Yes, sir." "(LAUGHING) Okay." "Thank you." "Hey, I'll see you on Sunday." "You will." "Okay." "Yay!" "Hello!" "How are you?" "How are you?" "This is for you." "Oh, lovely." "Thank you so much." "Hey, Davin!" "How are you doing?" "Great." "You all right?" "Yeah, yeah, I'm good." "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "That's the thing about walking that people don't get, you know." "It's tough." "It's pretty wild." "But you're still just walking." "but you're also climbing for bits of it." "Do you kill your food?" "DAVIN:" "Um, no." "No, I bring energy bars and bananas." "In Iceland, Uli and her family bring hunting tools when they hike." "They can source snacks, things." "Snacks!" "Ew, like reindeers and salmons?" "Yes, that is what we kill." "Jesus!" "Good." "How about you, Fionan." "What do you do for exercise?" "I walk to work." "And back." "Daily." "Oh!" "Punishing." "RUTH:" "He also gets lots of exercise arguing with our wedding planner." "Lively collaboration." "Actually, speaking of walking, men, Simon, the Kevinses, how would you feel about going on a little walking holiday, you know, to drag Fionan here away from the wedding planner and out into the fresh air?" "Like a stag?" "Rugged gentlemen alone up a mountain?" "Sounds great." "Yeah, I'd find a way to enjoy that." "Great." "Brilliant." "Simon?" "Uli knows I'm good in the wild." "You are not good in the wild." "Well..." "Fionan?" "FIONAN:" "Yeah!" "No." "No way." "No stags." "Sorry." "Fionan have you ever even been on a stag?" "No." "So not even a weekend walk?" "I don't enjoy being in exclusively male company for long periods." "And false." "All that banter." "I just..." "I mean, under what other circumstances would we five ever agree to be in a tent in the shitting rain in mid-November, all for the sake of some needless ritual?" "So..." "So what about hens in general?" "Or my hen?" "Is that just some stupid needless ritual?" "Oh no, babe, I would happily go on your hen." "I..." "You want to go on my hen?" "Well... (CLEARING THROAT) Okay, Fionan, one of my favorite things to do is have sex with a man, and even for me that's a bit too gay." "(ALL CHUCKLING)" "No, no, no, no." "Come on, guys, leave him alone." "and maybe a walking holiday is just a bit too rough and tumble for him." "Okay, Davin." "Yeah." "Okay." "Fine." "Yeah." "Stag it is." "Yay!" "Stag!" "The stag!" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Well done, bro." "(MOUTHING) Thank you." "Is this the thing that we need?" "(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)" "So you can just eat... (BEEPS)" "(BOTH YELLING)" "No?" "No." "This is our tent." "That is a tent, eh?" "Yeah." "Look at it." "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "I don't think..." "Come on." "(ZIPPING)" "Should we..." "Should we..." "Should we buy it?" "ALL:" "Yes." "Let's just go for it." "Let's do it." "Come on, let's..." "Let's pay up and get out of here." "Oh!" "Careful." "You okay?" "Yeah." "Careful." "You're fine." "You're fine." "Yeah, I'm fine." "FIONAN:" "Okay. (GRUNTS)" "It's stuck." "DAVIN:" "I'll just give it a go." "FIONAN:" "It's just kinda caught." "Give me a go." "Give me a go." "LITTLE KEVIN:" "No, don't force it." "Gently..." "LARGE KEVIN:" "We have to surprise it." "FIONAN:" "Oh!" "DAVIN: (SINGSONG) We are stuck in the tent." "(ALL CHUCKLING)" "FIONAN:" "Wait, wait, wait." "DAVIN:" "Okay, try that one." "Okay, on the count of..." "DAVIN:" "One, two, three." "FIONAN:" "Okay." "Wait, wait, wait." "Careful, careful." "ALL:" "Hello?" "DAVIN:" "We're in the forest display." "Is there another exit?" "(PUNCHING) Stop punching!" "ALL: (YELLING) Help!" "Hello?" "ALL:" "Hello!" "Oh, Jesus Christ!" "No!" "Don't panic." "Don't panic." "Okay?" "I can't breathe." "Get me out of here!" "Get off!" "Hello?" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "(ALL GROANING)" "Get off of me." "I can't breathe." "WOMAN:" "What are you doing?" "We're trying to buy a tent." "Simon, you're crushing me to death." "(GROANING) Simon!" "Hi!" "(GRUNTING)" "Yeah, it's lovely." "We'll..." "We'll take it." "FIONAN:" "You ready?" "I'm ready." "Woof!" "(SQUEALING)" "(GROWLING)" "(GASPING) Oh, don't tie me up with your rope, Mr. Stag Man!" "Oh, I love it!" "I want it all off." "Okay, if I'd known you were so into this," "I'd have tracked and shot a squirrel, or something." "Oh!" "Yeah!" "Hey!" "Yeah?" "Now you're going on a stag..." "Oh, yeah, baby." "You have to invite The Machine." "What?" "Well, he's my brother." "He's going to be your brother too." "Yeah, my brother-in-law." "No, but that's what stags are for." "For getting to know each other better." "I already know him." "Properly." "Properly I know him." "No, but you guys haven't bonded." "I know that he can be like a bit full-on, but The Machine is a good man." "You have to invite him." "(THUNDER RUMBLING) DAVIN:" "No." "FIONAN:" "Yes." "DAVIN:" "No." "No." "Yes." "This is the brother who..." "Yes." "With the..." "Yeah." "And the..." "Mmm-hmm." "No!" "No!" "No!" "We are doomed." "Well, we'll call off the stag." "Call it off!" "We can't." "She'll know why." "There is no exit strategy here." "(WHISPERING) The Machine." "The Machine!" "You have no idea what it's like to spend five minutes with this man over drinks on Christmas Eve, let alone a whole weekend up a mountain." "He is insane." "And as far as I am concerned, it is all your fault." "Why is it my fault?" "For suggesting the idea in the first place!" "Like an imbecile!" "(STAMMERING) I didn't..." "You should never dabble in social conventions that were not designed for you!" "Jesus, Fionan!" "I am at work." "I am actually about to give a lecture." "You fix it." "Okay, yeah, I'll fix it." "I'll..." "I'll call him." "I'll say it's kind of a..." "A literary walk." "Yeah, religious." "A religious pilgrimage." "A pilgrimage." "A religious, abstinent pilgrimage to various shrines." "A silent, religious, abstinent pilgrimage to various shrines." "Ancient shrines." "And say the weather forecast is really bad." "Terrible..." "Terrible weather." "And tell him the Kevins are gay." "Make them trannies." "Vestite or sexual?" "Vestite." "Do it now." "Make the call." "Now?" "I can't work until it's done." "Yeah, okay." "I can't either so..." "Give me your phone." "What do you mean?" "Why?" "No, but why can't we do it on your phone?" "Because you're the best man." "(WHISPERING) Oh, shit!" "(DIALING)" "Okay." "(RINGING TONE) It's ringing." "(BEEPS) Voicemail." "THE MACHINE ON VOICEMAIL:" "Leave a message for The Machine on the machine." "Hi, this is Davin." "I'm a friend of Fionan's who's marrying your sister." "This weekend, we are going..." "We are embarking on a silent walking retreat with some transsexual friends of ours, in the rain." "And we wanted to let you know that." "Ah..." "You can call me back if you want, but it will be just as I say, wet and silent." "And boring and weird." "Okay?" "Bye-bye." "Keep me posted." "And remember, this is all your fault." "Okay." "Dostoevsky." "ALL:" "Hey!" "Hi!" "Hey, girls!" "Hey!" "We need to go, okay?" "24 missed calls." "Oh, my God!" "Yeah." "Let's go." "Let's go." "Okay." "Davin, come here." "Where's The Machine?" "Oh, yeah, we've been playing phone tag all day, but he's got all the details." "I think he might be making his own way down?" "He's making his own way down?" "Okay." "He's making his own way down!" "Have fun!" "Okay." "You too!" "(LAUGHING) Bye!" "Bye!" "Have fun!" "Bye!" "Bye!" "Let's go!" "Okay." "Okay." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "(STOPS RINGING)" "This is actually gonna be fun." "(LAUGHING) Bye." "Okay, just..." "Just one call, I'm so sorry." "One second." "The Machine!" "Hi." "Listen, I'm just checking that you do know about the stag?" "Oh!" "Yeah." "Did he call you back?" "No?" "What..." "I can give you the address." "Yeah, I'll text it to you right now." "I know I was a little reluctant about the idea of a stag, but I think this is gonna be brilliant." "And I just have to thank my best man and best friend, Davin, for putting it all together." "Okay?" "Cheers." "DAVIN:" "Well, now that we're all here," "I can tell you that we dodged a serious bullet today." "Yes, we did." "You know Ruth's brother..." "The Machine knows about this?" "Oh, yeah." "The Machine?" "You don't want to know." "Yes, I do!" "Davin here took one for the team." "And after an elaborate subterfuge..." "And 28 missed calls and 24 messages..." "Oh, play one." "Play a voicemail." "Dare I?" "I've never actually heard this guy's voice, but the stories would make your shit turn white." "This is genius." "THE MACHINE:" "Okay, Gaybug, or whatever your little name is, it's The Machine." "I'm sitting here with an enormous raging stag boner on me right now." "If you hear me knocking, let me in." "First thought, right out of the gate..." "We are going to Africa." "Activities!" "Hardest wedgies." "Six men, three bed sheets, a pound of chicken fat." "And we don't shave his balls, we'll shave his asshole." "Then you put a little lipstick on the ring piece." "That might be a job for those trannies you mentioned." "Let's think global here." "Facebook, Twitter, anything that will host it for like five minutes and..." "Boom!" "The whole world's looking at Fionan's dolled-up kicker." "Are you with me?" "Listen, Gaybug, it is insane that you have not called me back yet." "I've done 22 tours of duty, my man." "I'm gonna get nuclear on your ass if you don't..." "Davin!" "Davin!" "Davin!" "Just..." "What the fuck did you do..." "Yeah!" "Is it..." "The Machine!" "Konnichiwa, fucksticks!" "Fionnuala, which one of these dick slices is your Commander in Chief?" "A what?" "Who's the point man?" "Is that a sports thing, Machine, or..." "Your best man, Groom Job!" "(STAMMERING) It's him." "Kevin?" "Davin." "Gavin?" "No, Davin." "No, Gavin." "No, Davin with a D." "No, Gavin with a G." "So, Muggins here has to drop everything in his life and drive 220 miles on the fly because this little cum-sock can't answer a fucking telephone!" "No, because..." "No, because..." "Why aren't you standing?" "Be..." "Listen, The Machine..." "And the kicker?" "My sister, that is to say the fucking bride-to-be, has to call me her own self, to fill me in on this little circle-jerk!" "Okay, wait a second because..." "Do you have any idea, how many rules of stag protocol you have ass-mangled in that one move?" "That is a heinous dereliction of best man duty!" "You see, the brother-in-law, ese?" "Comprende?" "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "I oughta pluck every pubic hair on your girly ass, from your balls to your brow, right here in this place, with my teeth." "Oh!" "Um... (STAMMERING) I actually tried to call you." "Where's your phone, soldier?" "What?" "Give me your goddamn phone, shit-bird." "Sorry, just a sec." "There you go." "When did this take place?" "Just now." "Why did this take place?" "The phone is a really bad phone." "And I've been having a bit of difficulty with it, and I really just got so frustrated with it that it..." "I was just..." "I, um... (STAMMERING) I..." "I flipped it in the jar of water." "His phone has been on the blink." "I had to call Fionan because I couldn't get through to Davin." "He's been quite un-contactable." "Look at your fuckin' face, Gavin!" "You must be spitting feathers." "Let me hose that down." "(GRUNTS)" "Because..." "At ease, folks." "I am here now, and that is the main thing." "Reportin' for do-tee." "(CHUCKLES)" "(YELLING) That actually really hurts, The Machine." "Good to see ya." "Thanks for coming down." "Yeah, no problem." "God!" "THE MACHINE:" "Okay." "Sound off." "Who have we got here?" "Who's this little choirboy?" "Umm, Simon." "(LISPING) Hi, Simon." "Why do I know you?" "FIONAN: (STAMMERING) The Machine, this is my brother Kevin." "Oh, that makes us huggers." "Get in here, bro." "(LAUGHING) Good to see you." "Get down there!" "What the fuck is that?" "Uh, yes, The Machine, this is Kevin's..." "Dad?" "This is also Kevin!" "You're both called Kevin?" "BOTH:" "That's right." "That's ridiculous." "What do you call each other?" "BOTH:" "Kevin." "Insane." "Okay." "Big Kevin, Little Kevin." "But I'm actually not that big." "Noted." "Enormous Kevin." "Tiny Kevin." "Okay." "Housekeeping done." "(EXCLAIMING)" "Chief bridesmaid?" "Hit me with the itinerary." "(INHALING) I'm a download it before I make party." "I mean, I'm good, but even I couldn't decipher the code on your voice message." "Religious walking retreat," "I presume is the pub crawl from hell." "Am I right?" "That I got." "But the tranny twist?" "I was all like, "What the fuck are we talking here?" ""Bangkok?" "Saigon?"" "And then I cracked it." "Fellas, are we going to Cardiff?" "Look at you parched little lizards." "Bar Wench, a tray of shot glasses and a bottle, yesterday." "This little single-cell-organism is getting fucking married to my sister." "What the fuck are we going to do?" "There's nothing we can do." "I mean, what the fuck can we do?" "Fionan, I'm letting you know right now" "I'll make my excuses." "Oh, fuck you." "I didn't sign up for this." "Go fuck!" "Had I known that he was even a possibility..." "Oh, come on, Simon." "Fuck you, Fionan!" "This is your shit!" "(SHUSHING)" "Fionan is getting married." "Like it or not, you are on his stag." "Show a bit of loyalty for fuck sake!" "Also, you have to drive us home." "Thanks." "Good man!" "Scatter!" "Well, I'm going to bed." "Uh, me too." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Park it, sisters." "Mandatory shots." "Ah, we were just on our way to bed, The Machine, before you arrived." "We've a long day of...of walking tomorrow." "Walking whence?" "From pub to pub?" "No, walking." "Walking." "Like proper hiking." "No, incorrect." "Actually we are, The Machine." "Walking and camping and..." "And praying." "Mountain praying." "Just a lot of..." "Got a lot of stuff..." "And camping." "Okay." "FIONAN:" "I just wanted to, you know, get out in the wild." "What the..." "You rampant homosexualists." "Wow!" "Okay, The Machine, Kevin and Kevin here are literally gay." "So they have an excuse." "But suddenly you three little geeks wanna start chewing cock?" "Okay." "I'm sorry about the confusion." "Clearly this isn't..." "This isn't your thing." "So, um, I can offer to pay for your petrol..." "Ten-hut, Private Gay-vin!" "You just narrowly survived your own court-martial and now you say that I go AWOL on duty?" "You've got the balls of a baboon boy!" "Yes, it is alarmingly shit, but if that's what fun-bags wants to do, to get out in the wild, then fellas, I'm in." "Hey!" "I'm all in." "Okay." "Good." "Yeah." "Brilliant." "So, you little gerbils snuggle down in the sawdust and I'll see you at the crack." "This is a doozy of a stag town." "Disappear from my night." "Morning!" "(SHUSHING)" "(WHISPERING) Let's go." "Let's go." "Jesus!" "THE MACHINE:" "Earthlings." "Que pasa?" "The Machine!" "There you are!" "And there you all are." "Five little hobbits heading out from the shire." "This way?" "But, The Machine, you don't have any gear!" "That's not a recognized bridle path!" "(SNORTING)" "(MEN MUTTERING)" "No signal." "Wow." "We're out there." "Ah, me neither." "Rural." "Me neither." "That's my only compass." "At least it isn't dead from some idiot dropping it in a pint." "Oh, would you have rather I let what was unfolding unfold?" "Here, let's put all our phones in this Ziploc, so we are free of the urge to keep checking all the time." "Is that wise?" "Yeah." "Let's go offline for like..." "Like two whole days." "Two whole days!" "I'm not sure that's wise." "Come on." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Anyway, I've got this here compass to keep us on track." "Plop!" "(EXHALES) No, no, no." "Why did you do that?" "No, no, no, no." "Um, that was incredibly rude and annoying, and also we need that." "We don't need it." "Boom!" "We need a compass to find the way!" "We need to get lost." "You put that compass in the bag and Susan here will be all like," ""Let's check the compass." "Let's check the compass."" "Unacceptable." "The compass dies... (BLOWING RASPBERRY) We're reborn." "But it's dangerous!" "(LISPING) Of course it's dangerous, Simon." "We're going off-path." "That compass was handmade, you fucking oaf!" "Well, if that's your beef I'll buy you a new one." "No, you imbecile!" "It had sentimental value." "It was given to me by..." "By someone." "Ah, your old geography teacher, Mr. Kennedy?" "Your husband?" "I'm sorry." "Your ex-husband?" "Jesus, can you please refrain..." "You do not need that compass." "You need to roam free." "(MOUTHING)" "All in." "I don't even have a lisp." "THE MACHINE:" "♪ One love, one need" "♪ In the night" "♪ One love, we get to share it" "♪ Leaves you, baby" "♪ If you do not care for it ♪" "(VOCALIZING)" "Jesus." "This song." "I know." "Not digging the tunes?" "SIMON:" "Nope." "Why not?" "I can't abide U2." "Lies." "Excuse me?" "You actually do like U2." "You don't like their music or you don't like Bono?" "That would be a firm negative in both cases." "THE MACHINE:" "All right." "Fingers on buzzers, yes or no." "With or Without You." "Without you!" "New Year's Day." "No." "Mysterious Ways?" "Negative." "Bad?" "Very bad." "Pride." "Shame." "Vertigo." "Vertig-no." "The Machine, if it's by U2 I'm not gonna like it." "Have you seen them live?" "Once." "You didn't cry?" "I left." "No!" "(WHISPERING) He left." "You are Irish, right?" "Jesus, what's that got to do with it?" "(INTERRUPTING) Private Gav!" "Fight your own war." "You know, cyborg, one day, at some point in your life you're gonna find yourself listening to a U2 song" "with tears pouring down your cheeks." "And on that day, for it will come, my friend," "I want you to remember this face." "What the fuck is wrong with him?" "Come on, The Machine." "Chill out." "This face!" "I'm gonna be there, cyborg." "Well, I'm going back." "I'm going back." "No, no, you're not." "Simon, Davin, come on." "Just go, go, go." "Go." "THE MACHINE:" "I was reading this thing in The Guardian about the difference between mushrooms and toadstools." "Apparently, there's only one toadstool that isn't poisonous." "And it either is red or it isn't red." "I can't remember." "So, Fionan, have you told them your story?" "DAVIN: (SIGHS) I..." "I had a panic attack and they asked me to leave." "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)" "There's been a lot of talk about this next song." "Memorial..." "I think that's a grave." "This song is not a rebel song." "This song is Sunday Bloody Sunday." "(LAUGHS) Oh, good, a concert." "(PANTING) Simon, I'll make a deal with you." "When you design a website that has the same raw emotional power as a U2 song, then you can climb up here and shout out the HTML code." "Send." "I do a little more than design websites." "And I don't even write HTML code." "That's, like U2, stopped being important about 20 years ago?" "In fact, like U2, it's now something that can be replicated by a piece of software." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Brain or heart?" "What?" "Pick an organ." "Brain or heart?" "(SIGHS) I get one?" "You get one." "Brain." "Okay." "Do you prefer machines to humans?" "Sometimes, yes." "What do you drive?" "I drive a 2012 BMW X5." "Show me the keys." "Throw them up." "When you've finished desecrating that famine memorial, and you come down, I'll let you inspect them." "Are you afraid that I will laugh at how you throw?" "Because if that's what you're worried about, let me assure you that that is 1000% what I'm gonna do." "No, don't." "Simon, Simon, don't." "No, no, no." "Oh." "Fuck!" "(KEYS JANGLING)" "(LAUGHS)" "Are you kidding me?" "Oh." "Oh, Jesus, no!" "They..." "They're gone, they're gone!" "They're gone!" ""Well done, Simon!" Why didn't you catch them?" "Because you threw them like an idiot." "(GRUNTS)" "What does your brain say you should do?" "My heart agrees with you." "Okay." "That's a big rock to be starting with." "Good, good." "I'll help you." "I'll help you." "(PANTING) Okay, maybe we should just pitch camp here for the night." "Yeah, let's stop for the night." "I saw a nice, little lake over there, if anyone wants to clean up." "And we are extremely filthy." "Fine." "You guys go, I'll pitch the tent." "I..." "I'll pitch the tent, Fionan." "Bit more experienced in that area, so you go on with them." "No, no, no!" "I know you can, but we're losing the light and we need to get it up fast, so I'm happy to take it on." "I have a number of the relevant proficiency badges from the scouts." "The number of what?" "Proficiency badges?" "Proficiency badges." "Um, okay." "Seriously, just..." "Just hand it over." "Give it to me." "Here it is." "Okay." "Lads." "No." "Let's have this one play out." "Okay, I'm gonna take a pick..." "Oh." "Oh, yeah." "All right." "It's gonna be like that, is it?" "Certainly appears to be like that." "I think you're being a bit of a child now." "Respectfully, Bun, you're the child here." "What?" "Why?" "Why..." "Just..." "DAVIN:" "Give it to me." "Just give it to me." "Bun?" "Davin's nickname." "When we were in primary school, someone threw a bun at his head in the canteen." "And it stuck." "The nickname, that is." "And the bun." "Just give it to me." "Oh, my God!" "Is that an eagle?" "That was so easy." "It was too easy." "(SIGHS)" "Okay, fine, you can co-pitch it!" "But I hold the plans!" "I don't need plans." "Why don't you get the little ground pegs?" "Bun." "Hey." "(CHUCKLES)" "(GASPS) It's freezing!" "LITTLE KEVIN:" "Your sister's great!" "I love Ruth." "My brother is a lucky man." "THE MACHINE:" "He didn't just get lucky, Tiny Kevin." "It's more like he broke the whole fucking casino." "You two boys looking forward to the big day?" "Well, actually, I won't be there on the big day." "I thought you two were coupled up?" "Six years." "Explain." "Yeah, it's my dad." "He's never really been able to get his head around the whole gay thing." "Continue." "(SIGHS)" "He's never really been able to accept my homosexuality, and my partner, which is Kevin." "And?" "My dad's an old man from a previous generation." "It's different times." "And?" "He says he won't be coming to the wedding if I'm at the wedding." "He doesn't approve of me." "And?" "Have you ever met him?" "It's a really tricky situation for Fionan." "I mean, I've lived with this, but it's his wedding." "You know, I..." "I mean, if my Dad doesn't go, does my mum go on her own?" "It's..." "It's a nightmare for Fionan." "Yeah." "Fionan needs to man up and bring it to the old boy." "End of story." "(FIONAN PANTING)" "How do you want your steaks?" "Fionnualicakes!" "Just talking to the Kevs here about the wedding plans." "I'm cooking my own if anyone wants theirs done by me?" "Well, why don't we ask them who they'd prefer to have cook their steaks?" "Me, who did a course in barbecue science or..." "THE MACHINE:" "Neither of you two clowns are going near my meat." "I'd rather eat it raw." "You're not getting in there." "That's liquid ice." "No sneaky boners." "And I'm looking at you, Photoshop." "SIMON:" "He's gone." "Yeah!" "Whoo!" "No." "THE MACHINE:" "Hello, boys!" "(LAUGHS)" "He's back." "THE MACHINE:" "Whoa!" "Where's Adobe Illustrator?" "He..." "Oh, you mean Simon?" "He's..." "He's gone to bed." "(LAUGHS) No, that's cheating." "No, no, no, leave him alone, The Machine, honestly." "It's the same rules for every man." "No, he's going through a hard time at the moment." "How so?" "His business is struggling." "I didn't know that." "I had a good look at his situation and it's not great." "Not great how?" "Well, they're in deep shit." "And the poor guy can't sleep." "He's taking Valium and Xanax." "And they're worried about the house." "Did you know that?" "No." "Come here." "Hey, The Machine, seriously." "Honestly, The Machine, just leave him." "SIMON:" "The Machine?" "(THE MACHINE SHUSHES)" "What's going on?" "SIMON:" "The Machine, go back to the fire." "THE MACHINE:" "It's just me and you now." "How you doing?" "Huh?" "What do you owe?" "Owe what?" "What are you talking about?" "Well, your company's debt." "What have you been telling him?" "It was Big Kevin!" "(LAUGHS)" "Okay, look me in the eye and just tell me what you owe." "I'm not telling you what I owe." "Why not?" "Why would I tell you what I owe?" "Why wouldn't you tell me what you owe?" "Just give me a number." "Come on, do it." "Do it." "No." "No." "Higher or lower than three mil?" "What?" "Lower." "2.5." "Lower." "Two?" "Lower." "1.5?" "Lower." "You're in for a mil?" "No." "You're still way off." "Okay, what, lower than mil?" "What, 800?" "No." "700?" "650?" "Oh, my God." "Six?" "550?" "Five?" "450?" "Four?" "375?" "No!" "Look, okay?" "I owe just under 250,000 euros." "And that's with everything leveraged to the hilt!" "I'm finished, okay?" "Are you happy now?" "Okay." "That wasn't so hard." "Was it?" "Honestly..." "I know how you feel." "You do?" "Believe me." "Like, so how much do you owe?" "Like, half a million, or what?" "Something nuts?" "North of that." "What, 800,000?" "Due north." "A million?" "Keep traveling north." "1.5 million?" "Northward." "One and three-quarter million?" "Mush." "Two?" "Two million?" "Bingo." "My money." "All of my money." "I don't have any money." "(LAUGHS)" "Oh!" "Oh, my God!" "Isn't that insane?" "(LAUGHING)" "Do you want a beaker of whiskey?" "I..." "I do." "You do?" "Of course you do." "Let's go out and join the lads." "Oh." "Oh, they're coming out." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Yeah, so, um..." "Yeah, turned to be..." "It was..." "It was..." "Yeah, yeah." "Hey, Simon." "Hey!" "Come on." "(SIMON SIGHS)" "Here you go, Facebook." "Right." "THE MACHINE:" "You know what, fellas?" "You couldn't put a price on this." "THE MACHINE: (WHISPERS) Oh, come on." "(MOANS)" "Oh, my sweet God, no." "(ALL EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)" "Oh, no." "You are not masturbating in here!" "Why not?" "I can't sleep." "Because it's disgusting is why." "Just ew!" "If I don't pulley one through, I'm not going to sleep." "No way." "Not here." "Don't." "Okay, look, two options." "A, I crack one off nice and quick, just a straight-up, very functional little number into a sock or whatnot, and we all get to sleep." "Or B..." "I fall asleep and my mind supplies me with fantasies that require me to grind against the nearest object, in which case, that is you, but we're almost family now." "So that's, you know, A or B, you call it." "(SIGHS)" "Outside, surely." "Outside." "That's the compromise here." "Also, here, look I have a little hash if you can't sleep." "I find that usually does the trick." "It's not an either-or, is it?" "Outside!" "Outside." "Outside." "(SIGHS)" "Two minutes." "He's an animal." "That doesn't matter." "He would be flattered to hear that." "(SIGHS)" "THE MACHINE:" "I am flattered." "Hugely." "Oh." "THE MACHINE:" "Oh." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, sweet mystery." "Oh, my lady!" "Oh." "Don't neglect the balls area." "(TENT SWISHING)" "Jesus Christ!" "THE MACHINE:" "Oh, my God!" "Oh!" "THE MACHINE:" "Come on!" "(MOANS)" "Further away!" "Further away!" "Jesus!" "(FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING)" "(SIGHS)" "(OWL HOOTING)" "(MEN SNORING)" "Fire!" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "Fire!" "Fire!" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "It's on my ass!" "It's on my fucking ass!" "Fuck!" "Is everyone okay?" "Oh, my God, did you see that?" "See it?" "We were inside the tent, The Machine!" "Inside the fire!" "That was so beautiful!" "It was like voodoo magic." "Okay!" "Okay." "What the fuck did you do?" "Yeah." "Suppose a hot rock must have landed on that little fucker." "Didn't see it." "But there's a nudge left, Big Kevin." "Enough for a few more so that's a result." "Result?" "We nearly fucking died, The Machine!" "THE MACHINE:" "Perfectly aware of that, slick." "And I will grant you that, you know, from a certain perspective that I had an involvement in it, but let's move on." "Now, lodgings..." "You just destroyed our property." "Officially it belonged to the girl guides, but..." "You can't just do that!" "Do what?" "Act like that!" "Like..." "Like..." "Like..." "Like what?" "We nearly died!" "Fionan, you're repeating yourself a tiny bit." "You wanna grab a seat?" "I would fucking kill you right now, if I could." "I hate you so much." "We all do!" "We hate you!" "You're ruining this whole thing!" "What is this whole thing?" "A stag!" "Finally!" ""Finally"?" "What?" "Oh, my God!" "Look at it." "THE MACHINE:" "Okay, this is just a bit freaky." "But that looks like a pair of boobs." "Those bright stars, that's your nipples right there." "Big beautiful boobs." "Go to sleep." "(THE MACHINE PANTING)" "How did you do that?" "Got up early." "Couldn't sleep." "Thinking about our heritage and what it means to me." "You didn't source some fabric and stitch us a new tent, did you?" "No, Bilbo Baggins." "I did not." "We should get moving." "Mordor awaits." "FIONAN:" "But it doesn't make any sense." "DAVIN:" "What do you mean, it doesn't make sense?" "That it's spelt..." "It's spelt "C"." ""Segue"!" "It doesn't make..." "Why is it..." "It's S-E-G-U-E." "So I call it, "Siege"." "Sometimes things are different to the way they're spelt!" "Oh, my giddy aunt!" "That, my friends, is fucking bull." "Um..." "Oh!" "No!" "No, no, no, no, no." "Oh!" "Oh, I can't watch." "Oh, Jesus." "(BELLOWING)" "Do not look me in the eye, Mr. Bull." "FIONAN:" "He made it." "Of course he made it." "Come on!" "Okay." "Let's go through the woods." "FIONAN:" "Ow, ow, ow!" "This is what happens when we turn off our phones." "Oh, Jesus, Kevin!" "Savage!" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)" "(PANTING)" "(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)" "THE MACHINE:" "Okay, okay, okay." "Now, this I will grant you, is a slightly different proposition." "Does anyone want to touch it there and see what we're dealing with volts-wise?" "No." "No." "Can you feel anything?" "Oh, I can hear it." "Fuck!" "Oh!" "(CHUCKLES)" "Whoo!" "How was it for you, Enormous Kevin?" "It's unbelievably electric." "Oh, you can't get under it." "And we can't get over it." "Wait now." "It's a straight-up vault, boys, I'm telling you." "Let's see." "(GRUNTING)" "We can do this." "Stand back, lads." "Watch yourselves." "What you need is, you need a little bit of a run up into it." "You gotta commit." "You gotta come in at pace." "With a bit of zip." "It's physics." "Okay." "Yeah." "No." "(ALL SCREAM) (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)" "Oh, Jeez!" "Oh, my God!" "Somebody help!" "The Machine, are you okay?" "One of you has to help him." "(THE MACHINE GRUNTING) Go!" "No!" "Not my face!" "Okay." "That..." "That's... (THE MACHINE SCREAMS) Okay, okay, come on!" "Go, go, go, go." "(SCREAMING)" "(GRUNTING)" "(PANTING)" "Oh, God!" "FIONAN:" "You all right?" "I didn't make it, boys." "No." "No." "I'll follow you, you go on." "Go, go, go." "DAVIN: (CHUCKLES) Yeah, but it isn't meaningless, is it?" "It seems to me that it takes for me liking something in order for you to like it." "And when you have to like it, you have to like it more than me." "You have to beat me at liking it." "It's just so ridiculous." "FIONAN:" "Yeah, it is." "I'll give you that." "DAVIN:" "Seriously, now I'm sure that you'll think like that." "FIONAN:" "Okay, I will." "Give me an example." "DAVIN:" "Example?" "An example?" "An example?" "FIONAN:" "Example." "Example." "DAVIN:" "Okay, okay." "The Sopranos." "FIONAN:" "Okay, you saw that show first." "DAVIN:" "Yes." "It doesn't mean you own it!" "DAVIN: (SCOFFS) I'm not saying that I own it." "I'm saying that your opinion of it was informed entirely, I think, by what my opinion was." "(CHUCKLES)" "And just to be clear, I'm not saying that I saw it first." "You didn't decide that you liked it, until I decided that I liked it." "I thought the first few episodes were weak." "That show emerged fully formed!" "According to you!" "Okay, give me another example." "Another example is the example of risotto." "Yeah." "Okay." "For a long time I thought I was allergic to Arborio rice." "I thought they were little nuts, Davin." "Let's talk about Mulholland Drive." "Let's talk about Mulholland Drive." "To me that's kind of the whole point of it." "Listen to yourself." "I am listening to myself." "Okay, what about Vespas?" "I get a Vespa, you get a Vespa." "Right." "Well, bad news, Davin." "I go to Goa, you go to Goa!" "You love Goa, you're moving to Goa." "You own an Indian province?" "Congratulations!" "When did that happen?" "Do you know what?" "I think I'm gonna start to hate something that I actually like just to see if you start liking it." "And I'm gonna pretend to hate it." "So you'll have to continue having to pretend to like the thing that you hate." "Sorry, what?" "I don't know." "I'm cold." "Risotto!" "What is it?" "It's a bothy." "It's an old communal shelter." "We build a shelter inside the shelter." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "You're right." "I got electrocuted in my mouth." "In..." "In the tongue." "I sure was sore." "Mmm." "Glad to be of service." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Yeah." "Bun, yeah?" "Yeah." "Yeah, stupid nickname." "I can see why you'd like it." "Not that many Buns in the world." "Nope." "Ruth dated a Bun." "Long time ago." "It was brief." "After she broke up with him, she came to me." "This fella Bun was really cut up." "She felt very guilty about it." "Wanted to know if she could make it better." "What could I say?" "Takes a man a long time to get over that kind of thing." "Yeah." "Not that many Buns in the world." "That's what I call a best man." "(WHISPERING)" "You know, it wouldn't be a stag without some element of boldness." "that I didn't think there would be a right time." "But, uh... (ALL GASP)" "What is that?" "MDMA." "What, like the bank?" "Um, this is a drug." "Like Ecstasy." "Yeah." "I've never really done that shit." "I think you'd like it." "It connects people to their softer, more feminine side." "Go on, The Machine." "Go on." "ALL:" "Come on." "BOTH:" "Yay!" "I don't feel anything." "(LAUGHING)" "Well, it's in the post." "Funny taste, innit?" "It's like sherbet dip." "THE MACHINE:" "I feel like a blanket." "We don't have any blankets." "Oh, no, no." "I..." "I actually feel like a blanket." "Like, I resemble a blanket." "All furry." "Do you want me to lie on you?" "That's really kind of you, but no." "Okay." "So..." "What's your story, The Machine?" "Like, do you have a family?" "I did." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Oh, no, they're totally alive or whatever." "I didn't know you're having problems." "I know you didn't." "Anything I can do?" "Well, the first thing you can do is not mention a word of this to Ruth." "I do not want her going up the aisle thinking that I've just been fucked back down it." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Sure, The Machine." "Oh, Jesus." "I have got to turn it around before your big day." "Somehow!" "I mean..." "I can't pitch up solo!" "Just..." "So, what happened, The Machine?" "Well..." "As I'm sure most of you overheard the other night, right now, financially, I am up shit creek with a turd for a paddle." "Two million." "I was under some serious pressure." "And the drinking, well, it was...it was on an upward trajectory." "I was invited to the races in Deauville, in France, on a bit of a corporate." "I had two horses come in and we were poured back onto the plane from Paris." "I needed to go to the toilet that badly." "And the seatbelt light wasn't going off." "And the stewardess is all, like," "(MOCKING) "Uh-uh, le turbulence," ""le seatbelt, le turbulence!"" "And I'm, like, "Ze piss!" "Maintenant!" "Ze piss!"" ""Le turbulence!"" "So I just kinda get up and, you know, go!" "Well, I did a bit of a Gerry Depardieu on it, if you know what I'm talking about." "You urinated into a bottle on an airplane?" "Depardieu had a bottle?" "(LAUGHING)" "I got arrested, thrown off an airplane," "I got thrown in the fucking clink for 24 hours," "I got back to Ireland by land and sea." "And when I got back home, Rachel had changed the locks!" "And now I can't see the kids." "Okay." "So..." "What did you say to her?" ""Rachel, why are you being such a dick about this?" ""You've a massive stick up your hole about this one issue!" ""I love the shit out of you" ""and you know that!" "Yeah?"" "What were the exact words you used?" "That's verbatim." "'Cause I wrote it down so that I'd totally nail it." "Did you apologize?" "I don't think I busted out an actual apology per se, but she should know that I am totally filled with regret, or whatever." "(GASPS)" "You can't say the words, can you?" "What?" ""Sorry"." "You can't "sorry."" "That's ridiculous." "Say it then." "No." "Why not?" "'Cause I'm not feeling it." "Hey, I know..." "Davin?" "You stand up and be his lawfully wedded wife." "Absolutely not." "Shut this shit down, Kevin." "You have one week to turn this thing around." "Bun, get up." "Okay." "Come on, Bun." "Okay, now..." "Look at your beautiful wife and tell her that you're sorry and mean it." "Okay." "That's Gavin." "Davin." "Bun!" "Pretend!" "Just pretend." "This is very gay." "You have one week." "Be a man." "Yeah, okay." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Rachel..." "Why are you being such a dick..." "No, no, no, no, no, no." "Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)" "Yeah, okay." "Rachel..." "The seatbelt light was never..." "No, no, say it." "Come on." "Mistakes were made." "There has to be music." "I need it in my ear holes." "Please!" "Just someone sing me anything!" "Just something, anything!" "He's right." "What are we doing taking this stuff without music?" "It's highly irresponsible." "♪ Oh, row, the rattling' bog" "♪ The bog down in the valley-o" "♪ Oh, row, the rattling' bog" "♪ The bog down in the valley-o" "♪ Now, in that bog there was a tree" "♪ A rare tree, a rattlin' tree" "♪ And the tree in the bog" "♪ And the bog down in the valley-o" "♪ Hey, oh, row, the rattling' bog ♪" "(ALL SINGING IN FRENCH)" "♪ The Camptown ladies sing this song" "♪ Doo-da, doo-da" "♪ The Camptown racetrack's five miles long" "♪ Oh, de doo-da day" "♪ Goin' to run all night" "♪ Goin' to run all day" "♪ I bet my money on a bob-tailed nag" "♪ Somebody bet on the bay" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Whoo!" "Okay, Davin." "Don't be a pussy, it's your turn." "No, no, no, no." "I can't sing." "Come on!" "Come on, Gav!" "Uh, okay." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "♪ On Raglan Road" "♪ On an autumn day" "♪ I saw her first and knew" "♪ That her dark hair" "♪ Would weave a snare" "♪ That I might one day rue" "♪ I saw the danger" "♪ Yet I walked" "♪ Along the enchanted way" "♪ And I said let grief" "♪ Be a fallen leaf" "♪ At the dawning of the day" "♪ On Grafton Street" "♪ In November" "♪ We tripped lightly along the ledge" "♪ Of a deep ravine" "♪ Where can be seen" "♪ The worth of passion's pledge" "♪ The Queen of Hearts" "♪ Still making tarts" "♪ And I'm not" "♪ Making hay" "♪ Oh, I loved too much" "♪ And such by such" "♪ Is happiness thrown away" "♪ On a quiet street" "♪ Where old ghosts meet" "♪ I watch her walking now" "♪ Away from me" "♪ So hurriedly" "♪ My reason" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Right, I can't remember the rest." "That was deadly, Bun." "What are you doing?" "We passed a lake." "Way back." "More of a pond really." "Where's he going?" "He's going for a swim." "I need water around my body." "Fuck it." "This is so fucking insane." "Why don't we walk there in our clothes and then take them off?" "Because, Fionan... (LAUGHS)" "(SIGHS)" "Wait for me!" "(ALL WHOOPING)" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Whoo!" "(CHEERING CONTINUES)" "(ALL PANTING)" "This isn't familiar to me." "I could have sworn the lake was here." "Yeah." "Me too." "Well, it isn't." "Oh, God, I'm high." "Where's The Machine?" "Maybe he's found the lake." "Well, what are we going to do?" "We just need to find The Machine." "He's at the lake." "Find The Machine, find the lake." "Okay..." "The Machine!" "ALL: (SHOUTING) The Machine!" "Shit, what do we do?" "Okay, we just need to go back." "Okay." "Okay." "Wait!" "Which way is back?" "It's this way." "It's this way." "It's this way." "Come on, which way is back?" "It's that way." "Okay, it's this way." "I came from this way." "No, you came from that way." "I was behind you." "Oh, brilliant, so which way did you come in?" "I don't know." "Possibly that way." "No, that way." "Oh, come on." "Okay." "We're going to go this way." "You're totally winging it, Kevin." "Shut up, Fionan." "Oh, my God!" "No, it's this way." "It's this way!" "Okay." "(SQUAWKING)" "What the fuck was that?" "Um..." "Guys, we're lost." "Look at the moon." "Does the moon move?" "I mean, is it a reliable instrument?" "Yes." "No..." "The moon is not a reliable instrument?" "I don't know." "You're the one who just said yes." "I don't know." "We were just here." "We were just here." "This is where we were." "No, we weren't." "We were just somewhere that looks exactly like this." "Okay, maybe we should just shelter here until daylight." "We are naked." "I am aware of that." "(GROANING IN DISTANCE)" "I'm fucking freezing." "Okay, I think we should just keep moving and stay warm." "Hey, let's do the emperor penguin." "Yes." "Yeah. yeah, yeah." "Go in front of me." "Go in front of me." "Right, right, okay." "Okay, now, move." "Close, closer." "Go!" "Go, go." "SIMON:" "Keep alternating... (GROANS)" "FIONAN:" "Enough." "Oh!" "I got, like, eight minutes' sleep." "I simply cannot be dealing with this madness any longer." "Oh, God." "Where did you get to?" "Well, good morning, Fionan." "Did you kill an animal?" "But I may have borrowed some of its clothes." "I've just decided that your Indian name is "Sulks Like A Baby."" "How long have you been up there?" "Since daybreak." "Gentlemen, we are in it now." "The bothy is nowhere to be seen." "I'm just trying to play it as it lays, hombre." "What does that even mean?" "Look." "Look at what you've done to us!" "We could have died of pneumonia last night." "But you didn't." "I see, you improvised a shelter, which is good." "Because you got us lost." "We all got lost, Sulks Like A Baby." "Fionan, it's fine." "No, it's not fine." "I have to deal with this nut job for the rest of my fucking life." "Hey, hey, calm down." "Just leave him alone." "I beg your pardon?" "Just..." "Leave him alone." "Let me get this straight." "You're mates now, you and him." "I think we need to accept that we are where we are, and we've all contributed a little bit to that." "So let's ease up on the theatrics and move on." "Jesus, Davin." "You're a joke." "You're a total fucking pussy." "You know he never wanted you here, right?" "You know he screened your calls?" "I'm sorry, it's true." "I'm sorry, that is true." "But it was per your insistence, and it was your decision." "So, can we leave that now?" "FIONAN:" "No." "We can't leave it now." "Because the other problem we have here is that you're fucking full of bullshit." "What are talking about, Fionan?" "I think you're overtired." "I think you need to sit down." "Breathe." "Try not to speak." "Typical!" "Well..." "You're so fucking superior!" "You always have to retain the upper hand no matter what." "You act like you understand something that nobody else can possibly understand." "Always just a little ahead of us all." "Jesus, the size of your ego!" "I mean..." "He's never even been in love." "Fionan." "At ease, Tiny Kevin." "You don't know what you're talking about, Fionan." "Six months, Davin." "Your longest ever relationship." "You had so many chances." "Six fucking months." "That is none of your fucking business." "What kind of man never lets himself fall in love?" "Even that Neanderthal man is in love!" "Whereas you always beat a retreat." "You let yourself experience nothing." "You haven't the faintest idea what it actually feels like, because you've never had the balls to be in love." "You're such a fucking idiot." "FIONAN:" "I beg your pardon?" "You're wrong, Fionan." "I was in love." "Oh, which one?" "Una?" "Clare?" "Fucking..." "Little Brenda?" "No, no, the one, uh..." "Phew!" "About Christmas, six years ago?" "Six years ago?" "Yeah." "Christmas?" "You're so fucking stupid sometimes." "You're telling me Ruth broke your heart?" "No, actually, she fucking smashed it to smithereens." "I was a mess." "I was a pitiful mess." "My heart... (SOBBING)" "My heart was..." "And you just..." "You just cruise in there and sweep her away." "Simple as that." "I didn't know." "Of course you didn't fucking know!" "You told me you broke up with her." "Yeah, well, there you have it!" "Did you know?" "Yeah." "You actually hid it from me." "Why didn't you tell me?" "The damage was done." "What the fuck does that mean?" "Why didn't you tell me?" "Because you started seeing her." "That was, like, a year later!" "Well, maybe I didn't feel I could tell you any of that shit." "Jesus!" "Are we actually friends at all?" "What the fuck is going on?" "I mean..." "Wait, okay." "Okay, oh, Jesus, Davin." "Are you still in love with her?" "Oh, Jesus." "(WHIMPERS)" "(GROANS AND YELLS) Fuck!" "This is my fucking stag!" "This is my fucking stag and you tell me that you're in love with Ruth!" "The love of my life!" "And now, now, after all these years, you decide that this, this, is the best time to tell me." "You..." "You fucking..." "Ahh!" "No!" "(WHIMPERING)" "FIONAN:" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Stop!" "(BOTH GRUNTING)" "(SNICKERS)" "(BOTH GROANING)" "Let's just stop." "Let's just stop now!" "Oh, Christ!" "One of my lenses has rolled back into the back of my eye!" "Good!" "Kevin, will you be my best man?" "Yeah, will you, Kevin?" "'Cause there's no fucking way I'm doing it." "Guys, you're being ridiculous." "Okay, The Machine, what do we do now?" "I think it's pretty clear what Fionan and Davin need to do." "Never see each other again?" "Seriously, Davin, grow a set of balls and ask your friend to forgive you for being such an idiot." "Yeah, and then we can go, 'cause it's getting really cold." "Apologize now!" "Say sorry!" "No." "Fionan!" "Nope." "Apologize for what?" "Jesus Christ, Davin!" "Come on." "Fuck off!" "Shake hands!" "Shake hands." "(GROANS)" "(BREATHING HEAVILY)" "Gentlemen, we're on the move." "Follow me." "Right." "Well, we can't all go." "I'm naked." "Simon has ivy." "I have one tiny piece of ivy over my balls." "It's worse than being naked." "Well, I am simply not going." "Right." "You lads stay here." "What is he doing?" "(CHUCKLES) Eggs." "Genius." "He's having breakfast." "Mmm. (CHUCKLES)" "(SNARLING)" "Easy now." "(DOG BARKS)" "Easy, boy." "Easy, easy." "Okay, okay." "Oh, my God." "Fuck." "Okay, whoa..." "Whoa, okay." "(ALL SCREAMING)" "(BARKING)" "SIMON:" "Apparently, if you forcibly insert your finger into the dog's anus, it will stop attacking!" "God." "He's dead." "All right, come on." "(MUMBLES)" "Kevin!" "Oh, my God." "Why is he doing that?" "THE MACHINE:" "Easy, easy." "Easy, easy." "I just know I'm not going to be any good at this." "(ALL SHOUTING) Jesus." "Easy." "Throw me a weapon!" "What the..." "I'm sorry." "(BARKING CONTINUES)" "Haughey!" "I'm gonna crush you, you hippie bastards!" "I'll shoot the shit out of ye!" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "Jesus!" "(ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)" "We're all going to die!" "I don't want to die!" "(LAUGHS)" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "(PANTING) I'll tell you one thing, boys." "I am looking forward to this wedding." "(BOTH CHUCKLING)" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Good God." "Is he letting us on?" "DRIVER:" "Rear of the bus." "Rear of the bus." "Hi." "(ALL SHUDDERING)" "Stay off my land." "Absolutely." "Goodbye." "Oh, yes!" "(RATTLING DOOR HANDLE)" "Can you open this up, Simon?" "(SIGHS)" "I don't have the keys." "(ALL GROANING)" "Oh, my God, oh, my God." "Jesus, Jesus." "Oh, my God." "Fuck it." "You know what?" "It's a car." "It's a car." "It's just a fucking car." "It's just a fucking car." "It's a car." "Simon..." "Just a fucking car." "Simon..." "It's a car." "(GRUNTS) Get there... (CAR ALARM BEEPING) (SCREAMS)" "Oh, fuck!" "Oh, Jesus, no!" "Uli is going to destroy me." "How do you turn the alarm off?" "I don't know." "(ALARM TURNS OFF) Are you fucking kidding me?" "You're out here destroying your jeep with a fucking boulder, and I'm inside pinching a loaf?" "Why didn't you wait till I came out?" "Wait, how did you do that?" "Oh, yeah." "Here you go, chief." "I found them the morning after." "(SNIFFS)" "(CHUCKLING)" "Seriously, The Machine, you really are quite mad." "(LAUGHS)" "(CHUCKLES) Yeah." "See you boys at the wedding." "(ENGINE STARTING)" "(CELL PHONE BEEPING)" "Seven new messages." "Hey, Dad." "Yeah, it was..." "It was interesting." "Listen, I just need to say something." "Um, the two Kevins are coming to the wedding." "And I'd really like you to come, too." "Yeah, I know that." "Of course, you're still invited." "Well, that's up to you, Dad." "But that's what's going to happen." "Okay?" "Okay." "Well, look, have a think about it and I'll talk to you soon." "Okay, bye." "(SIGHS)" "He's alive!" "(CHUCKLING)" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey." "RUTH:" "Thank you so much." "Hey!" "Welcome back." "Thanks." "Don't forget the rings, yeah?" "(TAPPING ON DOOR)" "Rach..." "Please." "I'm sorry." "How hard was that?" "Oh, God." "(GLASS CLINKING) (PEOPLE CHEERING)" "(DAVIN CHUCKLES)" "DAVIN:" "Hello, everybody." "I'm Davin and I'm the best man." "(ALL CHEERING)" "I don't have any brothers." "Or any sisters, for that matter." "ALL:" "Aw..." "So, my friends have been my siblings." "I love them like brothers and sisters." "And I've fought with them, and laughed with them, and grown up with them, and learned from them." "And no one more so than the man who has been married here today." "Fionan." "(STUTTERS) Fionan." "I've relied on him so much over the years, and he's always been there for me." "Even when I've expected far too much from him, he's been able to see through my idiot ways and he's helped me to find the man that I'm supposed to be." "So, I say, congratulations, Ruth." "You picked a doozy." "Yup." "I'm so proud to call this man my best friend, and," "with your permission, my brother." "(CHUCKLES)" "Marriages are not made in heaven." "They're made here on Earth." "But you only have to take one look at this amazing woman to know that for my friend, Fionan, this is as close to heaven as he's ever gonna get." "(ALL CHUCKLING)" "So, I ask you, ladies and gentlemen, to raise your glasses with me to Fionan and Ruth, the bride and groom." "ALL:" "To Fionan and Ruth." "(GLASSES CLINKING)" "(PEOPLE CHEERING)" "(SIGHS)" "She looked absolutely gorgeous." "Thanks, mate." "Hi, Dad." "Hello, there." "You must be Kevin." "Mr. Quinn." "Derry." "Please." "Uh, may I get you a drink, Derry?" "No, let me get you one." "That's very kind of you." "Well, it is a free bar." "(CHUCKLES)" "I'll give you a hand, Derry." "Yeah, that's very kind of you." "What would you like?" "LITTLE KEVIN:" "Thank you." "(GLASSES CLINK)" "Davin." "Hey, there." "Did you just call me Davin?" "I did." "I called you Davin." "So, look." "I got something for you." "You got me a present?" "Well, yeah." "Wow!" "(DAVIN READING)" "Can I have your attention, please?" "(ALL CHEERING)" "This is a really special moment for me." "The most amazing day of my life." "And now, my brother, The Machine, my oldest friend, is giving us a present of a song." "Get up here." "Go on, The Machine." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Thank you." "Ladies and gentlemen, my name..." "Well, my real name is Richard." "(WHISPERING) Richard?" "The reason I'm called The Machine is..." "Well, maybe another time, yeah?" "Ladies and gentlemen, this song is about the bride and groom." "And about love." "But it's also a song about Ireland, and the men and women of Ireland." "In recent times, we've taken a hell of a beating." "What with the economy, and Europe tearing us a new one." "And the church being total arseholes about everything." "(LAUGHTER)" "But we've got to forgive ourselves." "Forgive each other and learn to love ourselves again." "'Cause the thing is we're Ireland." "And that, my friends, is deadly." "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "I also want to dedicate this to a bunch of comancheros" "I once had the honor of riding with out on the edge of the world." "I love those hombres." "(PEOPLE CHUCKLING)" "(BAND PLAYING ONE)" "♪ Is it getting better?" "♪ Do you feel the same?" "♪ Will it make it easier on you now" "♪ If you've got someone to blame?" "♪ You said one love" "♪ One life" "♪ When it's one need" "♪ In the night" "♪ One love" "♪ We get to share it" "♪ Leaves you baby if you" "♪ Don't care for it" "(ALL CHEERING)" "♪ Did I disappoint you?" "♪ Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?" "♪ You act like you never had love" "♪ And you want me to go without" "ALL:" "♪ Well, it's too late" "♪ Tonight" "♪ To drag the past out into the light" "♪ We're one, but we're not the same" "♪ We get to carry each other" "♪ Carry each other" "♪ One" "♪ Have you come here for forgiveness?" "♪ Have you come to raise the dead?" "♪ Have you come here to play Jesus" "♪ To the lepers in your head?" "♪ Did I ask too much" "♪ More than a lot" "♪ You gave me nothing now" "♪ It's all I got" "♪ We're one, but we're not the same" "♪ Well, we hurt each other" "♪ And we're doin' it again" "♪ You said love is a temple" "♪ Love the higher law" "♪ Love is a temple" "♪ Love the higher law" "♪ You ask me to enter" "♪ But then you make me crawl" "♪ And I can't be holdin' on" "♪ To what you've got" "♪ When all you've got is hurt" "♪ One love" "♪ One blood" "♪ One life" "♪ You've got to do what you should" "♪ One life" "♪ With each other" "♪ Sisters" "♪ Brothers" "♪ One life, but we're not the same" "♪ We got to carry each other" "♪ Carry each other" "♪ One" "♪ One" "(VOCALIZING)" "♪ Make it, make it, make it"