"First thing I'll do when I write this movie is make sure it doesn't start with a voiceover." "I hate movies that start with a voiceover." "Especially English ones." "Some wanker trying to convince you he's worth eight quid and two hours of your life because he's working class and mixed up with gangsters." "Setting up the tedious shit that is going to happen cos the idiot who's written it can't do dialogue." "Either that or he's some upper-class prick who'sjust woken up in a panic because he's late for some wedding." "And you know this guy is really just the writer." "Only, a better-Iooking version with an interesting flat and quirky friends." "I wouldn't make myself the main character." "Christ!" "Hi, my name is Chris, and I work in television which I recently realised is a job for wankers." "This, of course, means two things." "Firstly, that I am a wanker." "And, secondly, that my ex-girlfriend was right all along." "Wanker!" "So I've got this bullshit dream about becoming a writer, a house I am trying to sell to finance the bullshit dream, and a lodger who makes smells and doesn't pay any rent which... really pisses me off, because that probably makes me his friend." "And nothing in my life ever seems to turn out the way I always imagined." "Yes, you and 60 million other people, you self-obsessed wanker." "That's settled, then." "No voiceover." "No gangsters." "No me as the main character." "That's going to have to be someone else." "# TOMMY NEAL:" "Going To A Happening" "# Hey, y'all, listen to me" "# I really got something that I want you to see" "# I know a place not far away" "# Where you can move and groove" "# All night and day" "# Get your car or your motorbike" "# Run, walk you down because it's out-of-sight" "# Get your dancing shoes, we're going over here" "# There's going to be sweet news and thrills and thrills" "# Get ready, we're going to swing" "# We're going, going, going to a house party" "# Get ready, we're going to swing" "# We're going, going, going to a house party" "# Girls, get your miniskirts and wig hats on" "# And get ready to dance and swing all night long" "# Get your red dress, Sally, and don't be late" "# Grab your partner cos we're on our way" "# When you hear that music groove" "# It's going to rock your soul and make you move" "# Everybody's going to be uptight" "# We're going to dance and shout" " Bob!" "# All night!" "# Get ready, we're going to swing" " Bob!" "# Well, all right!" "(Doorbell continues to ring)" "# Get ready, we're going to swing" "# We're going, going, going to a house party" "# Oh, you know I love it" "(Doorbell) # I love it, that's what it's going to be" "# This party is going down" "# Down in history" "# Let your hair hang down" " Bob!" "# Don't be shy" " Bob!" "Bob!" "# Dance with your woman, dance with your guy" "# Get ready, we're going to swing" " Oh, you're up, then?" " Yep." "Coffee?" " Why didn't you answer the door?" " What?" "The doorbell has been ringing for the last five minutes." " You want me to answer it?" " Of course I want you to answer it." "Not now, not now." "They've gone now, haven't they?" "That could have been something important for me." " Could've been for me." "I'm expecting a delivery." " Then why not answer the door?" "I didn't hear it." "I was working." "Downstairs in the cellar." "And, you know," "I don't leave my work in the kitchen." "Sorry, Bob, what's that, then?" "Abstract expressionism." " But what's it doing in the kitchen?" " It's what I do, man." "It's art." "Art?" "No, it's a fox cub being sucked off by a rat." "Squirrel." " It's not normal." " Exactly!" "It's Dadaesque." "It's stupid." "I'm subverting human perceptions of sexuality and the animal kingdom." "By making two ferrets have sex on an ironing board?" "Jesus!" "Lt'll be bloody corpses next." "If you get done for grave robbing, I'm not bailing you out." "If I want a human body," "I don't need to rob English grave." "In my country, it's easy to find dead body." "I wouldn't do anything bad like this." "No, you just pick on tiny woodland creatures who are asking for it." "Maybe not "only"." "I'm actually thinking about tackling something a bit bigger." "Golden Honey Puffs?" " So, what's he like, then?" " What's he like?" " You're starting to sound like your boss." " Sorry." "Jesus, what is it about celebrities with you people?" "It's like being back home." " Well, I'm just interested, you know." " Yeah." "I can see that." "He's like a movie star, you know." " No, I never met one." " He's like a little kid, like a spoilt little kid." "Now, his wife, she's a sweetheart." "Oh, yeah." "She's more famous than him now, I reckon." "You know her as well, then, yeah?" "Yes." "I know her as well." " Through him or?" " You want to ask me something, Keith, ask me." "No, it's just I was wondering if..." "Oh, nothing." "Did I fuck her?" "You want to know if I fucked her?" "Did you?" "None of your fucking business." " Clint Eastwood, now there's a movie star." " What, you met him?" "Once." "It was like being in the presence of... a king." "You know that feeling?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I know that feeling." "How come you're up anyway?" "I thought you'd taken a day off." " Yeah, I had." "They just called me in." " Ah, that's not fair, is it?" "You should complain." "You don't get unions in light entertainment." " That's show business." " Nope." "TV is not a business." "It's barely a career." "It's just a way of keeping useless people out of everyone else's way." "You used to love working in telly." "No, I never loved it." "I love film." " You hate films." " I hate the ones you like." " Like what?" " I don't know, the French ones." "With all peasants, set in the past." "Or... stupid girls on bikes with big lips and fringes." "Mmm, nice." "No, not nice." "Stupid." "And those awful American ones." "Ooh, you love those." "No, not the ones you like." "Like with the hit men killing people in unusual ways, talking about who's sexiest in Scooby Doo?" " Velma." " Obviously Velma." " Once you have Velma, all you want is Daphne." " I'm sorry." "Well, it's like work and cars and everything." "You are always the same." "You want something till you get it." "And then you don't want it any more." " I don't do that." " Oh, yes, you do." "Yes, you do." "And then, as soon as you don't have it any more, you want it back again." " That's bollocks." " It's like every single girl you've been out with." "You spend months trying to get rid of them." "And then years of trying to win them back." "Bob, don't bring Miranda into this, OK?" "I didn't bring her, you did." "Miranda, this." "Miranda, that." "She's gone, man." "Why don't you find a new one?" "Because I spend seven days a week making shit TV, Bob." "I haven't even got time to put the house on the market, let alone forge meaningful relationships." " At least I've got ambition, mate." " I don't need ambition." "I am an enthusiast." " Everyone needs a personal goal, mate." " Not me." "I don't want to waste my life chasing something and then finally catch it and realise it's not really what I thought it was after all." "I did that once." "What?" "I was riding my bike one late night through the park when I saw this... big deer with horns." "Antlers." " And it's called a stag." " Right." "I wanted to have a better look, so I went after it." "I chase it through the hill, through the woods." "I must have chased it for an hour." "Eventually, it fell into the stream." "And then I caught it." " What did you do?" " Nothing." "It wasn't a deer." "It was a man on a bike." "How can you confuse a deer with a man on a bike?" "That's what he kept saying." "Fuck." "This, this..." "this wonderful story has a point, has it?" "Yes." "I think everybody would be happier if they didn't waste their life chasing personal goals." "You should put that to music." "Thank you so much." "Much as I'd like to hear more, I've got to go and make some low-quality telly." "(Thinks) I think it's fair to say I'm getting a bit fed up of Bob dissecting my life like one of his dead animals." "It's not that I'm sensitive to criticism," "I just resent being psychoanalysed by a man with a stuffed hedgehog." "Friends are so overrated." "Like, give me a total stranger any day." "They don't presume to know more about you than you do about yourself." "They don't know anything about you except perhapsjust enough to still be impressed." "Mr Gaspardi?" "(Mr Gaspardi coughs)" " You all right, Mr Gaspardi?" " No, Keith." "I'm in England." "It's seven in the fucking morning and you're taking me on some tour of a goddamn cemetery." "Yeah, Mr Earle sends his apologies." "I've got to be on that plane in three hours." "What is all this?" "Mr Earle has asked if I can explain on the way." "The way where?" "Well, just down there." "It's only a short walk." "What are you?" "Like a ten?" "Eh?" " Shoes." " Eight." "Great." "I mean, at least the guy who does your show is talented." " What, Jerry?" " He's great." " Yeah, I love him!" " And it's funny." "It's funny show." " No, it's not." " No, it's not." "But... it is popular." "With people who have got no sense of humour." "Well, that's why it's called light entertainment, man." "It's like light beer." "Light beer is like beer but it is also quite like water." "Light entertainment is like entertainment, but it is also quite like water." "What the fuck are you talking about?" "It's been watered down, man, for the masses." "Just because we don't think your show is funny" " doesn't mean it's not funny." " Excuse me." "How many people you know don't have sense of humour?" "Thousands." "And how many of them, they know they don't have sense of humour?" " None." " Exactly." " But they still want to watch comedy show." " Thanks." "Just because someone's got no sense of humour doesn't mean they don't want to laugh." "Face it, Chris, you are a minority audience." " Now I'm really depressed." " No..." "You should be proud." "You're putting a smile on the faces of the under-privileged." "It's like charity work." "You're making comedy for people with no sense of humour." "No, don't." "I think it will be quite traditional." "I think it would be traditional." "I believe quite... traditional to say some words." "To say a few words." "To say a few... words." "(Whistles)" "# DORIS TRO Y:" "I'd Do Anything" "# He'd go to the end of the world" "# Just to be near me" "# His love for me is so strong" "# With love like ours, we can't go wrong" "# Oh, yeah, that's why I'll do" "# Anything he wants me to" "# I'll..." "# I'll do for him" "# Anything he wants me to" "# I'll..." "# I'll do for him" "# Because I love him # I love him" "# I put no-one above him" "Mr Gaspardi, thanks for coming out so early." "Dennis, Keith just told me the news." "I didn't realise it was your mother's funeral." "It was all very sudden." "It only happened last night." "Last night?" "You like to get them in the ground quick here?" " Well, we've been expecting it, you know." " Maybe me..." "Maybe me coming over wasn't the right time." " No." "No, it's cool." " Hey, Dennis." "Please don't tell me it's cool, Dennis." "I didn't travel 6,000 miles to watch you bury your old lady, God rest her soul." "Back in New York, we've got a big fucking problem." "A problem you assured us you could fix." "You promised us Bruno." "Where is he?" " Mr Gaspardi..." " I've been here one week." "You ain't showed me nothing but the fucking sights!" "Just because you wined and dined me don't mean you get to fuck me." "Mr Donato only works with professionals, people who do what they say they're going to do." "When I get back to New York tonight, I've got to tell him... that ain't you." "(Muffled groaning)" "Bruno!" "Now, what the fuck are you doing down there?" "I think, at this point, it's traditional to say a few words." "(Muffled shouting)" "Yeah, Joe, it's Phil." "I know it's early, but I wanted to be the first to tell you." "There's been a death in the family." "(Muffled) Aaaaargh!" "What have I told you about putting dead animals on the kitchen table?" " It's not dirty." " I don't care." " It's for my exhibition." " See previous reply." "What exhibition?" "I've got a venue." "They want to put on my first exhibition." " Have they seen what you do?" " Of course." "They just want me to come with something new, something big for the launch." " Which explains this." " Nothing could explain that." "Why you always so angry?" "I'm sick of living in a bloody pet cemetery." "I don't want breakfast with Basil Brush." "I don't want to see it." "If you have to do this stuff, can you do it in the cellar?" " There's no electricity in the cellar." " Why do you need electricity?" "No reason." " What have you been doing with electricity?" " Nothing." "Hardly anything." "You're trying to bring them back to life." "These dead animals." "You'll get locked up." " I'm not trying to re-animate them." " You are." "You even know the word for it." " Only wanted to use the hair clippers." " I don't want to know." "Can I get something for you?" " No." "Can you just..." " Please." "Fuck off." "I was... going to talk to you about that." "CHRIS:" "Nothing you could ever say or do will ever make up for this." "You might have done yourself some good today, Dennis." "I'm just happy we could help out, you know?" "Mister Donato would like to talk to you about other ways which we could work together." "Oh, that's good news." "Yeah, he was thinking maybe you could fly out, spend some time as his guest." "What, fly out... to America?" "Greatest country in the world." "That would be excellent." "KEITH:" "Here, I read somewhere that over 80% of Americans don't even own a passport." "GASPARDl:" "And what does that tell you?" " They don't like going on holiday?" " They don't need to travel abroad for nothing." "Business, vacation, nothing." "You wanna ski?" "We got snow." "You wanna swim?" "See the sun?" "We got two oceans and more sand than the Sheik of Araby." " When?" " I don't know." "Soon." "We're always looking to build special relationships with reliable foreign partners." "Oh, of course, I mean, you know, we should be doing business with each other." "Who wants to work with the Germans or the fucking French, right?" " Too right." "GASPARDl:" "We got nothing in common." "Yeah, we speak the same language, don't we?" "Exactly." "You know, Dennis," "England is really like a little part of America." "Keith?" "You got any Rolaids?" " Eh?" " Rolaids." "Tagamet?" "Maalox?" " Alka-Seltzer?" "Pepto-Bismol?" " Rennie?" " Gaviscon." " Tums." "Any fucking thing." "No." "Sorry." " Are you all right, Mr Gaspardi?" " Yeah, yeah." "KEITH:" "I reckon it's a touch of the Rajah's Revenge." "We took him for a curry last night." "What about my table, Keith, you had my table?" "Not the goddamn Ivy again, Dennis." " I've had it up to here with mashed potato." " Oh, I fucking love it!" "Er, guv?" "I love it." "You know, I have never once been in there, yeah, and not sat next to someone famous." "As close as you are now." "And I'm not talking about some fucking pop star." "Guv?" "Bollocks!" " Oi!" " Here you are, here you are." "Here you are, choke on it." "I'm talking proper famous." "You know, I'm talking Brad Pitts." "I'm talking..." "Bruce Willis, you know, Michael Douglas." " Oi!" " Oh, sorry." "Sorry, guv." "Keep your eye on the fucking road!" " What's the idea with the money?" " Oh, it's nothing." "It's just I've met this girl, you know." "Yeah, you should see her, Mr G. She's only a ladyship." "Proper aristocracy and that." "Supermodel." "Here, and she does presenting on the telly." "TV presenter?" "It's just the swearing." "She don't like it." "It's a habit, you know." "So this is the brain's idea of getting me to stop." " A swear box?" " Well, it's working, innit?" "Just shut up and fucking drive." "Obviously." "KEITH:" "Where do I go?" "Look at this traffic." "That Newark flight leaves in precisely two hours and 37 minutes." " It's cool." " I hope so." " Keith, have you got a back way?" " Yeah." "Take it then, son, will you?" "I'm sorry, man." " What can I say?" " Nothing." "I don't want you to say anything." " All I want to hear is when you are leaving." " Leaving?" "Yes, this house goes on the market today, whatever happens." "As soon as it's sold, I'm off and so are you." " Where are we going?" " We're not going anywhere." "How are you going to show these real estate dudes around if you go to work?" " I'm not." "You are." " Me?" "Yeah." "You are going to sit there and listen out for that bell." "When it rings, you open the front door and invite anyone you see standing there inside." " And show them the house?" " No." "Don't show them anything." "Let them in." "You go and sit far away" " and let them get on with it." " Got it." "Open the door and let 'em in." " Why wouldn't I?" " Because you have your music loud." " What music?" " Your music." "Your hideous music." " I know how loud you have it." " No." "Not any more, man." "That machine swallowed my disc." " You've broken my CD player?" " No, I didn't break anything." "It ate my music." " So it's broken?" " No, it plays." "It just doesn't play everything." " Meaning?" " It's stuck." " Great." " Well, it plays." "It just..." "It plays only one track." "Sorry?" "Over and over." "I think something... got fried when the fluids leaked out of the weasel." " What weasel?" " No weasel." "Right, so that's my radio and CD player." " Wasn't my fault." " Just forget it." "Really?" "Take it as the latest favour I've done you in the last five years." "Five years?" " That's when you moved in for the weekend." " Thank you, man." "I really appreciate that." "You've been a good friend to me." "Well, just do me this one last favour and we're quits." "OK?" "The end." " Only, this time, don't fuck it up." " I won't." "(Door slams)" "I promise." "# JOHNNY DEVIGNE:" "I Smell Trouble" "# Hold on, baby" "# You got, my, my" "# Please don't go" "# How can you leave me, baby?" "# Knowing I love you so" "# You know, I smell trouble, baby" "# Since daylight" "# I thought how our love, baby" "# Was out of sight" "# Yeah" "# Yeah, yeah" "(Rings)" "Good morning." "Marcus Craigie-Halkett, Curzon and Keen." " I have an appointment with Chris." " Brilliant!" "He's not here." "Come in." "I see." " Are you expecting him any time soon?" " No." "Right, well, perhaps I should come back..." "No, no, no, no, no." "I'm inviting you in." "I'm going to let you get on with it." "If you need anything," "I'll be sitting far away." "Right." "OK." "Come in." "CHRIS:" "People say, "Write about what you know."" "Which is why my script is still on page one." "I don't know anything." "If I did, I wouldn't still be working on a TV show where ordinary people are embarrassed in public by a desperately unfunny Welshman with a vibrator." "Unlike me, TV's Jerry Davis is totally fulfilled." "He loves hisjob and probably would have sold his soul to get on the telly." "Maybe that'sjust what he did." "Bob says, one day, people will have to pay for their vanity and empty material goals." "But he was varnishing a pelican when he said it." "(Dance music on stereo)" " Don't worry, Mr Gaspardi, we'll get you there." " Yeah?" " The Flying Machine, this is." " Yeah." "I'd rather go by plane, if it's all the same to you." "I've only had it a couple of weeks, as it happens." " It's a Merc." " I know." "Five-litre." "Nought to 60 in six and a half seconds." "All leather inside." "Even in the old seatback storage pocket." "Put the old hand in there." "Have a feel." "Nice." " Yeah, nice to drive." " I don't drive." "Even nicer to be driven." "# Going to take you higher and higher..." "What music is this?" "Do you not remember this one?" "(Turns volume up) DENNIS:" "Keith." "Keith." "Keith..." "Turn it down." "All right." "So, Mr Gaspardi, what do you use?" " What?" " Your piece?" "I don't carry a firearm." " Get away!" " I'm a businessman, not a soldier." "Here you are..." "Get on that, look." "Glock 17, that." " Cute." " And reliable." "You can freeze it." "Heat it to four hundred degrees, yeah?" "Bury it in shit and it will still fire underwater." "It won't jam." "It won't rust." "And it won't go off in your face." "DENNIS:" "Shit!" "Hi, Colin." "Chris, what are you doing here?" "I'm covering for Sean, he's sick again." "How's Jerry?" " On the phone." " (Chris laughs)" "What are we doing?" "Straightforward IV." "Jerry and two guests - a student and one of the organisers." "What's the story?" "Arrange work placements for students from low-income families." "They got some money after last year's Comic Appeal." "Oh, sorry." "Can I hear this, please?" "Hello, Jerry." "I was just telling Colin..." "Well, don't just tell Colin." "He's not doing the interview, is he?" "I'm the presenter, yeah?" "And I've not been briefed." "No-one's given me any questions." "What's going on?" "I'm just covering for Sean." " It's not his fault he's sick." " I'm just..." "A bad workman blames his tools." "You know, unlike other people." "Yeah." "OK, I'm just going to do some questions for you right now." "I'm sorry no-one has spoken to you about this." "No buck-passing." "I'm not going to go telling tales." "Just get your shit together." "All right, Colin?" "Yeah, I've just got to grab a new battery." "Yeah, erm..." " Jerry, we're interviewing..." " We're interviewing her?" "I mean, you're interviewing her, obviously, but..." "OK." "It's not obviously, right?" "I don't work like this." "OK, matey." "You've got to say what you mean." "Say what you mean." "Talk to me, man." "Choose your words." "That's the business we're in." "Words and pictures, yeah?" "It's about precision." "OK, John?" "Professionalism." "Erm..." " Let me start again." "(Mobile ringtone)" "Hello?" "(Retches)" "Oh, are you all right, Mr Gaspardi?" " No, I'm not all right." " Here you are, look." " It's all right, I ain't used it." " No, no, I'm fine." "Fucking hell!" " Here, what's going on?" " Shut up!" "Turn that fucking music down!" " All right, all right." " Just drive!" " Well, where?" " Just get me..." " It's all right, we're moving, we're moving!" " Keith, pull over!" " We've only just pulled off." " Oh, not in the seatback storage pockets!" "What are these questions?" " You don't like them?" " Do you?" "Listen, if you want to rewrite any or add some of your own, that's absolutely fine." "Write the questions and do the interview?" "Do you want me to hold the camera as well?" " No, I just thought if..." " No, I'll hold the camera." "Hey, nice, nice one!" "Look, I don't write questions, OK?" "I don't do that." "Do you watch the show?" "Do you know what I do?" " Yeah, of course I do." " I don't just present, yeah." "I do comedy." "I'm a presenter but I'm not just a presenter." "I'm a comedian." "I'm like a comic presenter." "Everyone knows." "Don't they, Colin?" "I do funny stuff." "OK, Dave?" "And these questions, they ain't funny." "OK, Jerry." "I think..." "I think... that this interview isn't necessarily about being funny." " You what?" " Well, it's more about the charity and last year's donation and talking to one of the students..." "Oh, here we go." " What's that?" " I think it's our guests." "I'm not talking to a dwarf." " What?" " I'm not interviewing a dwarf." "No-one told me anything about interviewing dwarves." "I think it's "midget" these days, isn't it?" " I thought they were meant to be poor." " Who?" "The kids." "I thought they were fucking urchins." " You know, poor." " They're underprivileged." " This one is a dwarf!" " Stop saying that." "Oh, you are hip-deep in shit." "Right." "Keith, Keith, get us a bowl." " I ain't got a bowl." " Get anything." " Anything like a bowl?" " A bucket." "Just any fucking thing." "(Retches)" "Here, guv." " What's that?" " Travel sweets." "That's no fucking good." "He's already been sick." " You said you wanted a bowl or something." " A bowl, yes." "Not a fucking tin of travel sweets." "DENNIS:" "Sometimes I don't understand what I pay you for!" "Here you go, guv." "Keith." "Keith, do yourself a favour and piss off with them sweets." " Do not show me that fucking tin again, all right?" " All right, sorry." "DENNIS:" "What is it with you?" "You're fucking..." "No, Rapunzel." "No, No." "No!" "You horrid, dirty man." "Come on, Rapunzel." "Come away." " You prick!" " Get me to the airport." "Yeah, do you want me to get you a doctor, Mr Gaspardi?" "No, I want you to get me an airplane." "Yeah." "Keith, put your foot down, eh?" "I am going to..." "Oh... (Engine fails to start)" " Oh, shit!" " What?" " We've run out of petrol." " Oh, no." "No, you've got to be joking." " I'm really sorry, guv." " I just..." "I just don't believe you." " Where are you going?" " I got a can in the back." "I'll get some." "Hurry up!" "I'll fucking iron him out." "I'm so sorry about this, Mr Gaspardi." " Dennis..." " Five minutes." " I've gotta go." " Don't worry." "All right?" "We're gonna make it." "Not the airport." "I gotta..." "I gotta... find a comfort station." " A what?" " A convenience." "What?" "A john." "A fucking men's room." "Well, look, if you're gonna puke, just go down in the gutter." "I ain't gonna puke." "I've gotta..." " (High-pitched) I've gotta do twos." " Eh?" "Twos!" "A fucking crap, you dim bastard." " Oh, shit!" " Yeah!" " Jesus!" " Dennis!" " I know, I know..." " I gotta go!" "The bush." " What?" " Yeah, yeah." "Go on." "Go... go behind the bush." "Are you fucking crazy?" "I ain't gonna go behind a goddamn bush." "What do you think I am?" "Fucking six?" "Well, I'm sorry, Mr Gaspardi, but nobody shits in the Benz." "(High-pitched) God dammit!" "Hi, Barnaby Winbow, Basil and Monk." "I believe we have an appointment for a valuation?" "This way." "My fucking medication..." "Hello, there." "I'm Chris, the producer." "How are you doing?" " Colin, our cameraman." " Hello!" " Is that Jerry Davis?" " Yes, yeah, it is." "He'll be back in a minute." " He just had to take a call." " Paul is Jerry's biggest fan." "Hey!" "He's so funny." "Yeah." "Yes, he is." " Keith's taken the bloody keys." " Screw the keys!" " I'm not leaving the motor unlocked round here." " Screw the car and screw you, Dennis." "Marcus?" "Barney!" "How's it hanging, big guy?" " Pretty well, pretty well." "How's Suze?" " Oh, God, no idea." "Just flown back from Múnchen, Bavaria." " Deer shooting?" " Boar, actually." "Bloody good fun." "And none of the Bambi guilt." "(Laughter)" "Do you two know each other?" " Oh, yes." " Rather!" "I thought you might be enemies, you know." " Oh, no." "Went to school together." " This is real estate, Chris." "Brother agents aren't the enemy." "(Laughs)" "I'm not Chris." " I'm Bob." "(Doorbell)" " All right?" " Wow!" "You agent boys are keen." "Come on in." "BARNEY:" "Seriously, Marcus, she's gonna bloody leave you." "MARCUS:" "Not likely." "We've set the date." " Is he all right?" " He's fine." "Would you like to start in the living room?" " Rest room." " Toilet." " Follow me." "MARCUS:" "As long as they can see a ring in it." "BARNEY:" "Dangling the golden carrot?" " 18 of the buggers." "Out of the fucking way!" " Oh, bloody hell!" " Whoops!" " Are you all right, Barney?" " It's my ankle." "I've gone over on my bloody ankle again!" " Oh, not the Whistler ankle?" " Yeah." " Don't worry about the table." "Really." " I'm not worried about the bloody table!" " Who was that bloody idiot?" " He's with him." " Really?" " Yes." "This is..." " Dennis." " This is Dennis and Dennis' friend." "They're from..." " What?" " You two, where you from?" "Eltham and New Jersey." "BOB:" "Nice." "Very nice." "Well, er..." "Take your time." "Have a good look around." "And just value away." "This is really nice." "Normally, I don't get many visitors." "GASPARDl: # O, say, can you see" "# By the dawn's early light" "# What so proudly we hail..." " Can I get anyone a coffee?" " Not for me, thanks." " A bis-quit?" " Actually, I'm done here." " You haven't seen upstairs yet." " Well, I've got a good idea of the conditions." "Tell Chris I'll pop a valuation letter in the post tonight." " Try and lean on me." " I'll get his other arm." "Up you come." "(Straining) # And the rockets red glare..." "Three!" " God!" "Are you all right, buddy?" " No." "It's an ambulance job." " Right." "Where's the phone?" " It's in the hall." "What do you think you're doing?" " Well, I'm going to find the phone." " You ain't going nowhere." "Jerry, we're set up and ready to go." "Can't we just do the interview and talk about it later?" "But everything is the wrong way round." "A good producer sorts these things out before the shoot." "Oh, come on, this wasn't my item." "I'm covering for Sean." "But you're not, are you?" "If Sean were here - if only!" " I wouldn't have been put in this position." "A good producer doesn't put their talent in this position." " What position?" " The one of having no questions." " You've got questions." " No good questions, no funny questions." " I've been asked to do a different interview." " How is it different?" "I was told... my agent was told that I was going to be interviewing underprivileged children." " Students from low-income families." " Whatever." "Well, you are." "Look!" "I'm not prejudiced, all right?" " I never said you were." " I have a real problem with dwarves." "Whatever, midgets, OK?" "It's a recognised condition." "I didn't know that." "Yeah, well, it's true." "I don't go on about it because I don't want anybody's sympathy or whatever." "I just get on with my life." "All I ask is... just for a little bit of sensitivity." " I understand." " It's inconvenient, I know." "But..." "I have to live with this thing, man." "(Thinks) Incredible as it seems, in his own mind," "Jerry isn't a fucking idiot." "Look, Jerry... maybe I've got a solution." "He's a people person, and highly convincing in his role as a thorough professional." "He's one of the many people who spend their lives trying to play a character... (Toilet flushes) ...and failing badly." "What the fuck is going on?" "We might ask you the same question." "This one's looking me up and down like he knows me." "I have never seen you before in my life." "What the fucking hell were you looking at, then?" " You know perfectly well what I'm looking at." "BOB:" "Let's all chill." " We're all friends here." " You!" "Shut the fuck up." " What do you think you're doing?" " This one was asking questions." " What?" " He called you a fucking idiot." "No, no." "Bloody idiot." " Who the fuck are you?" " I hardly think that's any of your business." "How dare you barge in here, pointing guns and ordering people about!" " Listen to me, faggots." " Yes, we have been listening." "Meaning what?" "Look, I don't know who the hell you think you are..." " They're brother agents." " I don't believe it." "Which agency are you with?" "You've been listening, yeah?" "You've been listening to me in the washroom?" " What choice did we have?" " Faggots!" "BOB:" "I think everybody should just count to ten." "You are a disgrace to your profession." "Don't think for an instant I won't be contacting the authorities." "And I'm including the NAEA." "You'll never win another instruction in this town again." " You should do some of your little spins." " Hi, guys, we've had a bit of a chinwag." "The upshot is that instead of doing a straightforward, boring old interview..." " Thanks very much." " No, I don't mean that." " So, we're boring, are we?" "Come on, let's go." " No, no, not at all." "No, I'm joking." " Sorry, carry on." " Right, OK." "I've got enough trouble with him." "Yeah, erm..." "We were just thinking of ways Paul could show off his skills, you know, make the interview more visual." "And some ways to have some fun." " Great." " Is that cool?" "Yeah, OK." "Brilliant." " Argh!" " Secure that fucking gat!" "I'm gonna shoot these pricks." "No-one is going to shoot no-one." "Shut the hell up!" " Look at the wall!" " I said quiet." " He shot our wall." " Fuck the wall!" " We are selling that wall." " He said shut it!" "One, two, three, it's hands behind your head." "DENNIS:" "You all right, Mr Gaspardi?" "You wanna tell them my full name, Dennis?" "Excuse me, my colleague and I are real estate agents." "Now, whatever this is, we are not a part of it." "You're part of whatever I say until I tell you different!" " Oh, this is madness." "We didn't do anything!" " Don't fucking start!" "BOB:" "I think we all just got off on the wrong foot." "If I, or my colleagues here..." " We are not his colleagues!" " He isn't even the vendor!" "GASPARDl:" "Shut it!" " What's going on?" " They were asking questions." " This fucker wants to know my name!" " You've just told them mine." "Look, I can assure you, we haven't the slightest interest in your business." "Business?" "What business?" "He means names, noises, nothing." "Why you looking at me when you say that?" "You said names looking at him, and noises looking at me." " No, I'm..." " What noises?" " No noises." " No, no, we didn't hear any bloody noises." "Apart from that stuff you just said in the toilet." " Fuck!" "MARCUS:" "Idiot." "What I do is my business." "Yeah, I needed to use the facilities." "So what?" "Like you don't use the can?" "You don't need to do that in England?" "Look, your friend here has got it all wrong." " Let me explain." " Oh, yeah?" " Shut up!" " Dennis, let them explain." "They're full of shit." "While you were in there, they were listening." " We were not." " What choice did we have?" "You think it's funny to listen to a guy while he is at the latrine?" "GASPARDl:" "Hey!" "Who told you to move?" "I'm listening to everything you're saying." "I just want to put my finger in the wall." "Get back!" "(Groans)" "Dennis, clear out of the kitchen." " What?" " Clear them out of the fucking kitchen!" " Right, out, all of you!" " I can't walk on this ankle." "DENNIS:" "Get up." "MARCUS:" "He can't." " Up!" " I can't." " Pick him up!" " Pick him up?" "He must be 300 pounds." "Well, 280." " Dennis!" " What?" " Get them the fuck out of that room!" " Fucking crawl." "He can't be moved." " Just get them to cover their ears." " What?" "Now!" "# O, say, can you see" "# By the dawn's early light" " You heard him." "# Proudly we hail" "# At the twilight's last gleaming" "(Groans)" "OK." "Happy, everyone?" "Happy, Col?" "Yeah, camera at speed." "Lovely." "Cue Paul." "And cue Jerry." "Cue Jerry." "Cue Jerry." "JERRY:" "Go on, then." "Question one." "Sorry, Col. Can you just cut for a second?" "JERRY:" "OK." "What the fuck are you doing?" " I thought you were ready." "Oh, I am ready." "For the first question, I am ready!" "Sorry about this." " You want me to feed you the questions?" " I don't want feeding anything, mate." "I just need you to read in the question for me." " Right, OK." " Fucking hell!" " You can't get the staff these days, can you?" " Sorry, I thought you'd memorised them." "Memorised them?" " He thinks I'm a genius." " I thought it's why you gave the sheet back." "What do you want me to do?" "I can't do an interview and read in those bloody questions." "Just read them in for me." "I can't do everything." "Happy, Col?" "Yes, speed." "OK, Sarah." "Can I just start by asking you what last year's donation has meant to everyone at the centre?" "Jerry." " What?" " Are you happy to go?" "I'm not answering the fucking questions, she is!" " I was waiting for him to repeat the question." " So was I." "OK, stop." "Listen." "Person, we pick up the question afterwards, OK?" " I am not in shot." "Colin, am I in shot?" " No, you're clear." "No, I'm not even in shot!" "But I still assumed that you would be..." "I'll ask the questions." "Well, if you don't mind." "If you're not too busy." "I'm not in shot." "Look." "We'll pick up your questions afterwards in a single close-up, yeah?" "Thank you, Colin." "I'm glad somebody is on the case." "Jesus Christ!" " Excuse me?" " Shut up." " The water..." " Fuck the water." "Keep your hands over your fucking ears." "For God's sake, let him put his finger in the wall or whatever he wants to do!" " I've just told you, keep your fucking hands..." " I have got my hands over my ears." "I can't hear!" "(Gaspardi groans) MARCUS:" "Oh, for heaven's sake!" " You all right, Mr Gaspardi?" " Dennis!" " Turn the goddamn water off!" " You, shut the water off." " How?" " Just do it!" "(Doorbell)" " What are you doing?" " Going to get the door." " Put your finger back in that wall." "Leave it!" " I've got to answer the door." "I have to answer the door." "I've got appointments." "They know I'm here." "If I don't answer the door, they will never leave." "Seriously, this could be bad for you." "(Doorbell continues ringing)" " Dennis!" " What the fuck's going on out there?" " Nothing!" "Nothing." "It's cool." "All right, but you just get rid of them, all right?" "Now, either of you two move, and I'll put one right in your fucking nut." "Do you understand me?" "Come on, then, you fucking freak." "Come on." " You ring it." " It's always me." "BOTH:" "Hello!" "Hey." " We're from Swain and Swain." " Brilliant." "I don't know what that is." " Formerly Swain's." "On the High Street." " We have an appointment with Chris." "Oh, I'm afraid Chris is not here." "I'm his best friend, Bob." "Hi, Bob." "I'm Prue Swain." "Bruce Wayne?" " And I'm Robin." " Batman and Boy Wonder." "How cool." "Excellent." "Come on in." "OK, guys... what we need now is Jerry's reverses." " So, it's shots of Jerry asking you questions..." " Oh, fuck." "...and shots of him listening to the answers..." " Just get on with it, will you?" "They don't need to know what's going on." "You don't care, do you?" " I'm just explaining what we are gonna do." " She doesn't care." "I don't care." " Colin, do you care?" " I'm happy to go." " See, nobody cares." "OK?" " Yeah." " Speed." " Question one?" "OK, Sarah, what has last year's donation meant to everyone here at the centre?" "Sarah, to everyone here at the centre, to you and the little ones, last year's donation, what has that meant?" "What has that really meant to everyone here, well, at the centre?" " Well, it's..." " Not just in a financial sense but... in a real sense, in a very visceral level." "Well..." "You know, I think the real question here, in a nutcase, is, has this money enabled you to do things you wouldn't, under the circumstances, have previously been able to do?" "Yes." "CHRIS: (Thinks) While Jerry is as good as anyone on television at dressing up as Satan and upsetting members of the public, when it comes to interviews, he's a bit out of his depth." " Next question." " Of course, anyone can find themselves in that situation." " What counts is how you get out of it." " (Coughs up phlegm)" "That's when you see people for who they really are." " All right?" " No." "No, I'm not." " What's this?" " How do you mean?" " Where did they come from?" " It was him." " It wasn't my fault." " He let them in." "And you let him?" "What do you want me to do?" "Shoot him on the fucking doorstep?" "What do you want, a fucking lesson?" "Excuse me, I don't know what's going on here but we'd like to leave." "Don't you fucking start!" " Who's in charge here?" " I am." "Now shut it." "If we are to be taken hostage, I should like to know who is in charge." "Prue..." " Shut it!" " What?" " Prue, please don't." " Don't what?" "Quiet." " Don't start." " Don't!" " Don't?" " Don't!" "Don't stand up to them?" "Don't attempt to extricate ourselves from the situation?" "Shut that fucking bitch up!" " Prue, for heaven's sake!" " Oh, my God, you're a bloody coward!" "Please, darling, not in front of the kidnappers." "You what?" " Nothing." " I'm not a kidnapper." "Oh, I'm sorry, I..." "Do I look like a fucking kidnapper to you?" "Does it really matter?" " Yes, frankly." " Buddy, leave it." "No." "I mean, what are you talking about?" "You are holding us against our will." "We've been kidnapped." "Ergo you are a kidnapper." "Now you listen to me, you fucking ponce." "If you kidnap someone, you don't just hold them against their will." "You take them somewhere against their will." "Then you ask for money or whatever." "We haven't taken you anywhere." "We are not kidnappers." "Ergo... you are a cunt." "Now listen to me!" "Buddy, for the love of God, leave it!" "Can I get anyone anything?" "I think I'm going to be sick." "PRUE:" "How did I marry the most spineless man ever?" " Tea?" "Sunny D?" " How?" " Seriously, Robin, how?" " Lovely Golden Honey Puffs?" " I'm not going to tell her again." " Do you do anything but threaten people?" "I mean, who are you?" "Yes!" "What is all this?" "This... is an unfortunate but potentially dangerous situation." "This guy has got a gun and he will use it if you do not listen and do exactly as I say." "I take it you're in charge?" "You can take it that you are not." "And that is all that should be important to you right now." " (Groans) You!" "You!" "Put some music on!" " What?" " You heard him." " Do it!" "Say it!" "# BARRY GRAY:" "Theme from Stingray" "OK, Paul, do you want to come and get into position, please?" "What?" "Well, remember, I need a shot of you asking Paul about his ambition." "Otherwise, you know..." "To explain why he's been skating around." "Remember we discussed it?" "We fucking did not!" "Yeah, otherwise it won't make sense visually." " It's just one question." " OK, let's just do it." "OK." " Speed." " Thank you." "OK, so, Paul, I hear you are about to embark on a career as a movie stuntman?" "Can you tell us about it?" "And finally, I have been reliably informed by a little... er... by a bird, that young Paul here has high ho... high ho... high ho, high ho... opes of earning a living doing tricks." "Stunty..." "St... stunty sort of tricks for money." "Is that right?" "Sarah?" "(Theme from Stingray on stereo)" "(Music finishes)" "(Groaning)" "(Gaspardi mutters to himself)" "You all right in there?" "(Remembers woman's voice) Honey, you just got to relax and it'll happen." "What did I tell you about how to relax?" " I don't remember." " Yeah, you do." "It ain't dirty." "Now, what do we always say when we want to relax?" "# O, say, can you see" "# By the dawn's early light" "# What so proudly we hailed" "(Strains) # At the twilight's last gleaming" "(Phone rings)" "(Gaspardi continues singing)" "# Theme from Stingray" " Dennis!" " Yeah?" "Why do you hold the gun like that?" "I'm not going to tell you again." " But why do you hold it like that?" " You see them holding guns like that in films." " Dennis!" " Ooh, I love going to the cinemas." "Do you even know how to hold a gun?" "What the fuck do you know about it?" " Who else loves going to the cinemas?" " I shoot every month." " Leave it!" " Have you hit anything holding it like that?" "Deliberately, I mean." "Dennis!" "What the fuck's going on out there?" "Nothing." "It's cool." "Everything is under control." "(Doorbell)" "(Phone rings)" " Good morning." " Hello." " We're here to talk to you about Jehovah." " Hallelujah!" " Is he the fat one?" " I beg your pardon?" "Well, you'll have to come in and point him out." "I'm afraid I'm losing track." "We believe that the Kingdom of God is a..." "# Does the Star Spangled Banner yet wave..." "DENNIS:" "Don't stand there." "Stand in the corner." "And keep the fucking noise down, right?" "Don't say a fucking word." "ANSWERPHONE:" "We're not here." "Leave a message." "Unless that's Mrs Cox about the missing cat again, which, I'm really sorry, I still haven't seen." "And neither has Bob." "CHRIS:" "Bob, it's me, pick up the phone." "Get out of the cellar and answer the phone." "How are you gonna hear the doorbell if you can't hear the phone?" "I'll be back there in about an hour, depending on the traffic." " OK, Bob?" "Bob!" " Fuck off, you fucking no-good prick!" "(Phone rings)" " Thanks very much." " Oh, it was our pleasure." "It's fascinating to see how television actually works, isn't it, Paul?" "Yeah, fascinating." "Yeah." "Listen, thanks, Sarah." "Very nice to meet you." " Yeah." " And cheers, Paul." "Good luck with everything." "Um..." " Yeah." " Yeah." "OK." " Great." " Take care." " Bye-eee!" "Bye-bye." " See you." "They're off." "See you later." "JERRY:" "No, no definitely." "I was absolutely superb." "I'll see you tomorrow, Mum." "I love you lots." " Thanks." "We're going now." " Who?" "When?" "Jerry, would you mind signing something for Paul, please?" "Sign for small..." "Paul?" " Pen?" "Does anybody have a pen?" " You can use mine." "Can somebody give me a pen?" "Thank you." "Sign..." "Jesus, fuck..." " (Burps) Take care and..." "look after..." "(Mobile rings)" "Oh, look, I've got to get this." "Probably the agent calling." "Goodbye." " No, you cannot!" " Thanks." "Thanks again." " Bye." " You know..." "JERRY:" "You listen to me, you little fat man!" "I don't give you fucking..." " Wanker." " Yep." "# It dives under the sea into the world below..." "Turn the goddamn music off." "Why don't you just put the fucking radio on?" " It's fucked." " What?" "(Shouts) The CD is broken." "(Shouts) So is the radio." "Jesus, this fucking country!" " It's Japanese." " What?" "The CD player, it's Japanese." "It wasn't made in fucking England." "I don't give a shit about the hi-fi, Dennis." "I'm more concerned about why you're putting holes in the ceiling." "What do you want?" "A lesson?" "I'm controlling the situation." "I can see that." "You would see that if you weren't in the khazi every five fucking minutes." "I've been poisoned, Dennis." "Poisoned by fucking English cuisine!" " Indian." " Whatever." "Turn the music off!" "BOTH:" "He can't!" " I told you, it's fucked." "(Music stops)" "JEHOVAH'S WITNESS:" "Ah, that's much better." "Thank you." "Who the fuck are they?" " Who?" " The broads!" "The two fucking dames, Dennis!" "I don't know." "The freak let 'em in." "Again?" "It's not my fault." " What, are you selling tickets?" " How is it my fault?" "You're the guy with the gun!" "You're Mr Al Pacino gangster, Dennis!" "Take some goddamn responsibility!" "I told him not to let in any more fucking estate agents!" "MARCUS:" "They are not estate agents." " Who the fuck are they?" " We've come to bring you the Good News." " I could do with some good news." "Dennis, where's Keith?" " I don't know." " Call him." "My mobile's in the car." "So is Keith, for all we know." "Now, why don't you go outside and get one or the other or both?" "Get me to the airport so I can get out of this country." "Oi, stay cool, yeah?" "Don't tell me to stay cool, Dennis." "I've been fucking poisoned." "You've got the shits." "You're not gonna die." "Would anybody like a pork scratching?" " Shut the fuck up!" " Let me see your hands!" "Mr Porky." "Keep your goddamn hands where I can see 'em!" "JEHOVAH'S WITNESS:" "Excuse me, is there really any need for blasphemy?" "Apparently so." "DENNIS:" "What?" " Taking the Lord's name in vain." "You should be ashamed of yourself." " Shut up, you fucking bitch!" " How dare you talk to Miss Amies like that!" " I should smack him right..." " (Screams) All right!" "Everybody, just relax!" " Could I just nip to the loo?" " No!" "Dennis." " Give me that gat." " What?" "I want the goddamn gun." " Oh, now you want the gun?" " Yes, I want the gun." "Don't fuck with me, Dennis." "Don't fuck with me now when I'm sick and furious and covered in puke." "You!" "Go upstairs, get me a change of clothes." "Go with him." "Get up, freak." "What are you fucking looking at?" "Do you know, I really have no idea." "Really?" "(Hostages gasp)" "CHRIS:" "The only films you should be allowed to watch when you are a kid are the ones with all the sex and violence." "They're harmless." "Come on, freak." "It's the ones with all the hope and happiness that do the damage." "Take horror movies, for instance." "At least they prepare you for real-life situations." "Like when your engine won't start and you're trying to escape from a hideous monster." "You just need to think next time, yeah?" "That's all." "You never stop learning." "If I'm interviewing under-privileged children, fine." "If I'm interviewing freaks... interviewing dwarves, that's also fine." "But I need to know beforehand, yeah?" " Or I'm going into that battle naked." " You're right." "I mean, if I haven't properly been briefed, Chris, how can I do my job?" " You can't, you can't do your job." " Exactly." "I can't do my job." "You're not going anywhere, are you?" " Not on that thing." " Yeah." "Why not hop in the van and you can ride back with me and Jerry?" "Great." "Cheers." "Fuck." "It's not there." " What?" " The car." "It's gone." " Keith." " How do you know?" "It wasn't locked." "It could have been nicked." "That's my fucking Benz." "He comes back, figures we hailed a cab and heads for the airport." " Eh?" " Just call him." " My mobile's in the fucking car." " Use the landline." " I can't." "I can't." " What?" " You got a problem using someone's phone?" " Yeah, like you in the khazi." " What did you say?" " It's broken." " What?" " The bloody telephone!" " He smashed it up." " What are you?" "A fucking idiot?" " They were gonna use it." " I was gonna use it!" " To call an ambulance." " To call the Old Bill." "Dennis, go and get me a phone." "Where?" "I don't know." "Go to the mall." "Buy one, I don't give a shit!" "Just get me a goddamn telephone!" "ROBIN:" "Would you like to borrow mine?" "It's right here." "Look." " I didn't know he had that." "GASPARDl:" "Are you telling me you destroyed a landline and you don't pat this guy down for a cellphone?" "Why is it I have to do every fucking thing?" " Listen to me." " Fuck off!" "Why don't you listen for a change?" "I am sick of listening to you." "I have been listening to you all week." "I am bastard sick of the sound of you!" "You miserable Yankee twat!" " Be careful." " No, you be careful." "Now, you listen." "You go and get a fucking phone." "You haven't stopped complaining since you got here." "(lmitates him) I need the rest room." "I want a latrine." "The fucking latrine?" "You wanna have a crap in this country, call it what it is." "It's a fucking toilet." " You said it." " What?" " I ain't gonna tell you again." " No, you're not gonna tell me again." "No fucking American tells me what to do in my own country." "Especially not one covered in puke and sings to himself on the fucking shitter!" "You!" "Drop the cellphone." "Listen to this. (Clears throat)" ""Television is the monster of modern civilisation," claims fundamentalist cleric." ""On the Day of Judgment, the severest punished will be the picture makers."" " Can you fucking believe that, huh?" " Yeah." "Yeah." " So, got everything you wanted?" " Yeah, more or less." " Release form?" " Bollocks!" " Oh, hello." " Hello!" " Hi!" "How are you?" " Is that for me?" "You look very pretty!" "This way." "So, what's with all the dead animals?" "What are you, some kind of pervert?" "I'm an artist." "Jesus, no wonder this country is fucked." "MARCUS:" "Oh, and I suppose America isn't?" " I'm not British." "Who is in this country?" "You've got more niggers in London than the East Coast." " Racist." " Don't give me that shit!" "You people practically invented it." "Britain is a proudly multicultural society." "Why?" "Because you let them drive a couple of buses?" "Just because you eat goddamn curry don't make you fucking Gandhi." "All the peoples of the world are as one in the eyes of Jehovah." "Yeah, well, I see the world through these eyes." "And what I see is a bunch of dead people in a dead fucking country." "(Doorbell)" " Leave it." " But I need..." "You don't need to do nothing but what I tell you to do." "You open that door one more time and I will put you down just like I did him, clear?" "(Groans)" "Put some music on." " You plugged it out." " Well, plug it the fuck back in again!" " And give me the goddamn remote!" " He's got it." "(Doorbell)" "(Stingray theme blasts out)" " Jesus!" "What the fuck!" "Fucking Japs!" " Change the goddamn song." " I can't." "Do it!" "Do it!" "Or, so help me Christ, I'll shoot you through the fucking heart!" "# Stingray!" "(Music changes)" "# Aqua Marina theme from Stingray" "# Marina" "# Aqua Marina..." "That was a very nice interview, Jerry." " Yeah?" " Oh, it was very nice." "You know the three secrets of being a good presenter, Colin?" "No." "What are they?" "Number one - adaptability." "Never let anything throw you, no matter how difficult the situation." "# Close to..." "# My heart" "(Toilet flushes)" "Has anybody seen my brontosaurus?" "(Music starts over again)" "Number two - determination." "Never let up until you get the answer that you want." "# THE CHANNELS:" "Anything You Do" "# When we walk down the street" "# I feel like I'm a king" "# And you're my queen" "# Anything, baby, that you do" "# I wanna do with you" "Oh, hello again." "Yeah, I'll see you later." " Interrupt?" " Yes." " Just wondering..." " Yes?" "...if you would... if you'd like to sign my release form." " Oh, I thought you were going to ask me out." " What?" " On a date." " No!" "Are you sure?" " Yeah." " Really?" "Well, you know..." "No, I don't." "That's why you have to ask." " Yes, but..." " Go on, then." "Well, I just..." "You know." "Sorry." "Look, I'm already running really late and I've got to go." "Listen, it's been entertaining." " Bizarre and disappointing, but entertaining." " Right." "I think you're cute." "All right?" "I think your orange friend is a twat." "But I've got a job to do so I've got to get back." "I want you to come out!" "With me, I mean." "Not in a gay way." "Not that there's anything wrong with that." "It'sjust, you know... it would be disappointing for me, as a potential sexual partner." "Not that you're a slut." "You'd probably need a drink first before we... before we took things to the next level." "Until then, just one drink, or lots of drinks, whatever you fancy." "There's nothing wrong with a few drinks, come on." "I mean, in moderation." "Not with the..." "All right, then." " What?" " Yes." "You've got my number." "Oh, OK." "Wait, wait." " Do you wanna have dinner or something?" " No." "There is a new film I want to see." "Do you like French films?" "Yes!" "Yes, I do." "I love them... very much." "Especially... ones with peasants in them." "OK, then." "And three - composure." "Never ever... let them see you lose your cool." "Who the fuck are you?" "I'm Kenny Tinsel." "Has anyone seen my bronto..." "This is 206?" "204." " Quiet!" " Oh, silly Kenny." " You walk into other people's houses?" " I'm meant to be next door." " Ridiculous." " You talking to me?" "You're in no position to lecture others on social courtesy." "I did not just walk in here." "I was invited." "Same as you." "And I would have been out of here a long time ago if it wasn't for all of you sticking your goddamn noses into other people's business!" "# The Lord is my shepherd..." " Shut that bitch up!" " Anyone fancy a game?" " What a great idea." "# He makes me down to lie..." " Put it down." "Put your hands behind your back." " I can't." " What did you say?" " What sort of a game?" " I can't." "Drop it now!" " Please, honestly, I just can't." " How about a quiz?" "You drop that fucking box!" "Yes." "A quiz." " I don't wanna be in this place any more." " For God's sake, just do it!" "(Gunshot) # He's the friendly dinosaur from the past" "# Who won't smash your kid or gore us" "# So everyone shout hello" " How do!" "# To Brian the Brontosaurus" "Will there be any natural history questions?" "# DONI BURDICK:" "Open The Door To Your Heart" "# Walk right on in" "# Let your love come running to me" "# Open the doors to your heart" "# Open the doors to your heart" "# And let love come running in" "# Let your love come run to me" "JERRY:" "Sounds gruesome like Ursus Arctos?" " He's not even there." " What's Ursus Arctos?" " Bob, you bastard." " What?" " Ursus Arctos." " It's a bear." "Bear?" "Seven letters?" "COLIN:" "Read it again." "The last fucking time you let me down." " Not been your day, boy, has it?" " Sounds gruesome." "Grizzly." "Col, can you do us a favour?" " Um..." " Seven letters." "Begins with G." "Grizzly bear." "Can you drop me off at my place first?" "Well, excuse me." "Hello!" "Look what you've done." " Leave it!" " Hallelujah!" " The great battle has begun." " Quiet!" "Here is He who comes from Eden." "All His raiments stained in blood." "Behold Jehovah!" "The great Satan is upon us." "And Io, there was a great flood and the tearing and rending of unbelieving flesh!" "Hallelujah!" "You do know... you are going to have to replace that?" "That's great." " Thanks, Colin." " Good luck with selling the house, mate." " Yeah." "Cheers." " Colin, I won't be long." "I've gotta do a wee-wee." "You don't mind, do you?" "Cool bananas." " Where is it?" "Up?" "Oh, great." " Yeah, it's down the hall, through the kitchen." "Bob?" "Bob?" "Fucking hell." "It wasn't my fault." " I didn't invite them." " Get in here." "Bob, what's going on?" "Please, I don't know what these people have done to upset you, but I am an innocent party." "I only came in here to use the facilities." " Bob, who is this?" " If you wanna know anything, you talk to me." "Did you have a nice, nice day?" " No?" " Bob, shut up." "GASPARDl:" "That's right, shut up." "JERRY:" "Please, sir, I am a TVpresenter and I must use the toilet!" "Jerry, don't say another word." "JERRY:" "Oh, please." " You're here to take charge, are you?" " You're the boss." " That's right." "You." "Tie 'em up." "(Doorbell)" "Hi." "Are you all right?" "I'm..." "I'm looking for Jerry." " Come in." " I don't wanna come in." "Is he coming out?" "No." "He's staying." "For tea." "Righty-ho." "Cheers." "Don't go, don't go." "Come in, you're invited." "Oh, thanks." "I've got to get all the kit back." " We've got cake." " What?" "We've got some cake." "For tea." "Um, no, I better not." "The wife will kill me." "Come on." "Go on." "You'll like it." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "What sort of cake?" "Nice cake." "Yeah, all right, then." "(Airport tannoy announcement)" "GASPARDl:" "All right, listen up." "This guy just did his job." "For his sake, you do yours." "Anybody tries to leave this room, he dies." "Is that clear?" "Fucking TV presenters." " What?" " My glasses." " Excuse me?" " I can't see anything without my glasses." "What do you think I am?" "A fucking idiot?" "If I'm not wearing my glasses, I won't make it to the end of street, never mind the airport." " You try anything..." " OK." "I promise." "(Thud)" "(Gunshot)" "CHRIS: (Thinks) Unlike movies, life is annoyingly short on happy endings." "Broken friendships don't get mended." "The bad guys always get away with it." "And everyman wankers like me never save the day with an act of selfless heroism." "There was a time when I'd be sat here waiting for one of those hope and happiness moments." "But not any more." "Now I know better." "That stuff really does only happen in movies." "# THE SAPPHIRES:" "Gotta Have Your Love" "# I've got to have your love" "# I'd like to have your love" "# I've got to hesitate, baby cake" "# You're the one that I take with me now" "# I've got to have your love" " Hey!" " Hey!" "What are you two doing here?" "Oh, charming!" "Well, we were going to lend our support to London's latest artistic sensation." " But now, we won't bother." " I didn't think you'd come." "Not come?" "What and miss the... the debut smash of the country's foremost cat-shaver?" "The show's great, Bob." " I think you are a genius." " Well..." " Me, too." " Here's to Bob and his remarkable art." "And to their previous owners without whose carelessness none of this would be possible." "Zivjeli!" "Ziv... jeli!" "Hey, police called around again today." " Your American never did turn up, did he?" " They should just let it go." "You can't blame them for being concerned about your safety." " It's not like he's coming back." " He might, you know." " He liked you." "You made a real friend there." " Will you shut up?" "I'm just saying, he's a villain." "They always come back for the last scene in the films." " Rubbish films." " That's how I'd write it." "Just ignore him, Bob." "I think you were very brave." "Thank you." "Well, I didn't do anything." "I just showed him a few special moves and he ran off." "A modest, brave genius." "We should really have you stuffed." " Not in there." " Isn't some more of your work through there?" " No." " Yeah, yeah." "It says in the programme there's three rooms of this shit... sorry, genius." "No, it's a bit of a cock-up." "It's only these two rooms tonight." "But there's something very special I want to show you." "Over there." " Oh!" " Blimey!" " Christ." " Is this it?" " You've changed my mind about the house." " Again?" "Yeah, they've optioned my script." "Brilliant!" "I don't know what that is." " It means they bought it to make into a movie." " Yeah, maybe." "Actually, it's not that bad." "Christ, don't get carried away." " Oh, don't be so sensitive." " He's very sensitive." " I know." " I'm not fucking sensitive." " And angry." " I just wasn't that keen on the main character." " Why?" "What's wrong with him?" " I don't know." "He's just a bit..." "Indecisive?" "No." "He's just a bit..." "Self-obsessed?" "No." "He's just..." " A bit of a wanker?" " Ah, exactly!" "# Please believe me" "# I've got to have your love # Oh, baby" "# I've got to have your love # Oh, baby" "# I've got a need for you" "# Yes, I do" "(Gunshot)" "# THE YUM YUMS:" "Gonna Be A Big Thing" "# All the lovin' in the world" "# Can't match the love and patience of this girl" "# Sweetest thing from a sugar boy" "# She can't be replaced" "# She fills him with joy" "# My heart's been arrested, and they've thrown away the key" "# And I'm locking up my love" "# Until he comes for me" "# A big thing, a big thing" "# A big thing, yeah" "# Till you've been high enough" "# A big thing # Big thing" "# Big thing # Big thing" "# Bigger then moving up" "# Ripe for love, gonna write my book" "# Tell the world my lovin' rules" "# And when the news gets around" "# That I'm his girl" "# I'm gonna treat those round" "# My baby gives me fever and he holds the remedy" "# And whenever we're together, that's my opportunity" "# A big thing, a big thing" "# A big thing, yeah" "# Big thing # And that's a fact" "# A big thing # Big thing" "# Big thing # Big thing" "# And we don't care to stop" "# My heart's been arrested and they've thrown away the key" "# And I'm locking up my love" "# Until he comes for me" "# A big thing, a big thing" "# A big thing, yeah" "# Bigger than all of us" "# A big thing # Big thing" "# Big thing # Big thing" "# Bigger than all of us" "# My baby gives me fever and he holds the remedy" "# And whenever we're together, that's my opportunity" "# A big thing, a big thing" "# A big thing" "# Big thing # And that's a fact" "# A big thing # Big thing" "# Big thing # Big thing" "# No, we don't care to stop" "# A big thing, yeah, yeah, a big thing, yeah, yeah..." "(Gaspardi groans)" "BOB:" "Bis-quit?" "DENNIS:" "Well, I'm sorry, Mr Gaspardi..." "but nobody shits in the Benz." "JEHOVAH'S WITNESS:" "We're here to talk to you about Jehovah." "BOB:" "Is he the fat one?" "JERRY:" "I'm not talking to a dwarf." "CHRIS:" "What?" "MARCUS:" "No, no, we didn't hear any bloody noises." "BOB:" "Would anybody like a pork scratching?" "Mr Porky." "GASPARDl:" "I've been poisoned, Dennis." "Poisoned by fucking English cuisine." "DENNIS:" "Ergo... you are a cunt." "BARNEY:" "He isn't even the vendor!" "KEITH:" "Travel sweets." "DENNIS:" "Well, that's no fucking good, is it?" "He's already been sick." "CHRIS:" "What have you been doing with electricity?" "BOB:" "Batman and Boy Wonder." "How cool!" "CHRIS:" "Art, no." "It's a fox cub being sucked off by a rat." "CHRIS:" "I want you to come out!" "With me, I mean, not in a gay way." "JERRY:" "Young Paul here has high ho..." "high ho... high ho, high ho... opes of earning a living doing tricks."