"THE MIDDLE Season01 Episode01 hello?" "Hello?" "Can you hear me?" " some people call this the middle of nowhere..." " can you hear me?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "You know,one of those places you fly over on your way from somewhere to somewhere else, but you wouldn't live here." "folks,right now we're flyingover the great state of indiana,if you'd like to take a look." "well,look down next time,and you'll see us down here in the middle-- orson,indiana,heart of the heartland,proud home of little betty snack cakes, the demolition derby for the homeless and the world's largest polyurethane cow." "so how'd I end up in the middle of the road in this getup?" "Here?" "No." "Bars!" "I got bars." "guess it all started a couple of weeks ago,and no,I'm not an actual superhero, not unless you count getting my kids out the door for school every morning." "I made breakfast!" "Come on,we're late!" "Let's go,let's go!" "That's my youngest--brick." "You know how you think giving a kid a cool name will make him cool?" "it doesn'T." "Okay,now listen." "Today at recess,I don't want you wanderingaround alone on the perimeter." "All right?" "Makes youan easy target,you know?" "Like--like the gazelle thatgets separated from the pack." "You've gotta find yourselfa group ofidsand just stand near them." "You know you're my hero,right,mom?" "Thank you,honey.Eat your pancake." "It's still frozen" "Well,lick it.It'll last longer." "Hey,mike,have youseen that envelopewith my driver's licenfrom the D.M.V.?" "I need it for work." "Why is this place such a mess?" "that one over there would be axl." "since he hit 15,he hibernates in his room and only comes out to paw through our food and shoot offsa rcastic comments." "Oh,we're out of chips." "nice job,mom." "Yeah,I can't hear youif you don't have pants on." "Mom,where's my homework?" "Okay." "when did this happen?" "Mike,look at this.Look at this." "This is--I haven't had mydriver's license picture takenin seven years,okay?" "Here's the old one." "Lookat this." "What happened to me?" "Uh,well,back then you wereall young and shinyand wonderingwhat your life's gonna be." "And now,well,now you know." "mom!" "Hey,come in hereif you want to talk to me." "Axl,put some pants on.Here." "Okay,maybe it was just a bad picture." "I mean,yikes." "Mike,does it ever bum you outthat I'm not youngand shiny anymore?" "Well,sure,honey.It's a huge bummer,but what are you gonna do?" "Oh,shoot!" "I wantedhips for my lunch." "She didn't buy any." "sue,grab a pancake.We're late." "That's sue." "She's been going through a bit of an awkward stage... for the past 13 years." "Mom,the dryer atemy leg warmers again." "I told you,you can't put wetthings in the dryer anymore." "Well,I need 'em,'cause guess what?" "I'm trying outfor show choir this week." "I know,I know-- that's not an expression parents should have on their faces when their daughter tells them she's trying out for something." "But see,sue had a long history of things she tried out for-- a long and... painful history." "yo debo ser aceptada en el club espal porque soy senos." "Show choir." "Wow,super." "That--that shouldbe fun to try out for." "now listen,dad's gonnafix the dryer again,but right now I just needeverybody to go." " LetetO." "L's go!" " mom." "That driver's license picture was a big wake-up call from the D.M.V." "Somehow the life had been sucked right out of me." "But who or what had sucked it?" " Mom!"Mom!" "Mom!" "Mom!"" " Mom,he's not givingmy bag back!" "Mom!"Mom!" mom!" "Mom!" "We did teach 'emthe word "dad," dn't we?" "we're a 2-job family." "Mike manages a bunch of boneheads down at the quarry." "oh,for cryin' out loud." "And my latest job I'm too smart for is selling cars at orson's last surviving car dealership." "What a month,huh?" "frankie,don't let himintimidate you." "He may be the kingof sales around here,but he's been rejectedby the elks lodge twice." "I'm not gonna say by who." " It was me." " really?" "I told them thathe's a pedophile." " No." " Yeah." "He's not." "He's not a pedophile.he's not." " Wait,bob." " What?" "Okay,this check can't be right." "This is lower than the amountI spent on gas to get here." "Ain't nothing wrongwith the check,frances." "That there is your base salary,and that's what it's gonna stayuntil you sell a carand get a commission." "Now ek le weeftin the month." "You sell a car,or youmay be out on your keister." "Yeah.Yeah." "I,um... but listen,I mean,my keister's havinga little cash flow problemright now." "I may not have sold a car yet,but I've come real close." "See that buck up there?" "He came real close to not being hit by a bullet." "You see what I'm saying?" "By the way,did you ever getnea w driver's license?" "We gotta post them,and that old onedidn't look a thing like you." "Oh,yeah.Now that's you." "I see myselfas kind of a matchmakerfor people and vehicles, and I just have a feelingabout you and this little cutie." " Why don't we take itfor a test drive and-- frankie,you have a call on line one." "Your son's school is on line one." "Hurt,or just in trouble?" "'Cause if it's just in trouble,can call him back?" "yeah,this is frankie heck.Is everything okay?" "you said you weregonna pick him up." "No,you said y were." "I even put a post-iton your thermos." "Is that what that means?" "there's birthday cake in the break room." "It's angel food." "Feel that?" "Uh,take a left right here." "Pretty smooth,huh?" "That's 150 horsepower." "And did I tell y aboutour recession deals?" "Oh,get in the right laneand pull over,pull over,pull over!" "quick,quick!" "Get in,get in,get in!" "brick,honey,how do you like those seats?" "They're amazing." "They also comewith optional leather trimand preferred suede inserts." "And if you buy today,I'llthrow the inserts in for free." "Are you crazy?" "That's a $600 value." "At least you're still my hero." "Awthanks,pal." "I made dinner!" "Thank you.Sure." "Hey,underpants,you thinkyou're too good for us?" "we are a family,and we aregoing to eat togetheras a famil this is... okay,quick,let's hear abouteverybody's day." "Mine sucked.Next." "Well,ahem,I'm trying to decidewhat number I should dofor my show choir audition." " oh,my god." " What?" "Does it really matterwhat song you pick?" "'Cause there's no wayyou're gonna make it." "Mom!" "Mike." "Axl." "You know,your brother'sjust trying to say you shouldjust choose whatever you want." "Now me,I like a quick-ong-quick,leave 'em wanting' more." "You have a meetingwith my teacher monday." " What?" " It's imperative thatyou both be there,she says." "imperative!" "Who's he whispering to?" "Why does he do that?" "I thought I told youto knock that off." "I like it.It soothes me." "Okay,what teacher's meeting?" "I didn't even get a note." "Oh,my god,you're so weird." "Mom!" "Mike." "Axl." "Yeah,well,from whatI can tell,it is monday." "Okay,we both work monday." "Sorry. sorry.sorry." "Did I tell youhank at the quarryfound his finger today?" "Oh,really?" "That's good." "Mom,dad...are you guysdisappointed in me?" "You know,'cause I never make anything?" "Oh,sureI'm disappointed,hon." "This is,like,the 12th thingyou've tried out for." "I mean,I love not havingto go to the events." "I'm thinkingmaybe I won't try outfor show choir... if you guysdon't think I should." "Of course she shouldn'T." "Show choir in indianahas always been huge." "Next to basketball,its combination of singing and broadway-caliber choreography is the most cutthroat competition around." "I didn't want to see her get hurt,but then I looked at her young and shiny face not beaten down yet by busted dryers and mean bosses with guns..." " go for it." " Hmm?" " You really--you really think so?" " No." "Dad?" "This could be your year." "Okay!" "cool." "We are so screwed." "Brick isa very quirky child...maybe clinically quirky,even." "We have no ideawhat you mean." "We knew exactly what she meant." "happy birthday to you mrs." "Rettig?" "Mrs.Rettig,I want to tell yousomething funnyI did the other day." "Well,that may be becauseyou haven't spent much timere in the classroom." "Are we supposed to?" "I mean,isn't thatthe point of school--that between 8:00 and 3:00,he's your problem?" "If he,you know,eats his napkin at dinner,we don't call you and ask youto come over to our house." "Look,I would loveto spe more time here,but I work." "I'm at work right now." "brick's a very bright boy,but we feel he could benefitfrom a seriesof more formal tests-- okay,look,brick isn'tyour typical kid,but he is funny and sweetand probably a genius." "Okay,so he doesn't fitinto your cookie-cutter mold." "But that doesn't meanthat he needs fixing." "Our oldest son had a completelypointed head until he was 6." "Like a candy corn." "And so what,we got some funny lookswhen we took him to the mall?" "You know what we did about it?" "Nothing." "And eventually,it justflattened out all on its own." "I think what we'retrying to say here is,thanks for your concern, but our brick doesn't needany special anything." "He's fine." "His best friendis his backpack." "I just hope he's weird enoughthat our insurance covers it." "How happy are youwith your car?" "First a busted dryer,now a bu kid." "I needed to sell a car now more than ever." "And if ehlert caht me sneaking in and out,he'd nail my keister to his wall." "Mr. Ehlert was looking foryou,frankie." "Where you been?" "Here." "Right here." "Just,uh,workingwith this fine womanwho's interestedin this fine car." "Actually,I interestedin this car." "Get outta town." "But I was just wonderingif a convertible istoo wild for me." "Are you kidding me?" "Wild on the outside,but dependable on the inside." "Yeah,you know what?" " I considermyself a matchmaker..." " frankie,call on line one." " For people and vehicles..." " it's your husband." " And you look likethe type of person-- he sounds pretty mad." "He's at axl's school.He needs you to go back and pick up "brick." ""Oh,come on!" "No,he issupposed to pick up brick!" "Axl is at football until 5:00!" "Tell him to readhis damn thermos!" "Oh,look,look,I can alwayscome back another day." "No!" "No,I'm a mom,too." "I know what it's like." "All sales personnel,the doughnuts are here." "Now you're suspendedfor three games?" "What the hell isthe matter with you?" " What did he do?" " He called his football coacha moron." "You always call him a moron." "He called for a bombon 4th and 1." "You think you'resome sort of a big shotjust 'cause you play ball?" "Well,the smart-mouth attitudegoes today." "Whatever." "That's it!" "Go to your room." "No,wait.You like your room.Go to sue's room!" "moron." "Damn it." "If only he had,like,a car or a tv or a cell phone,something good we couldtake away from him." " I know." " Mom,you're my hero." "That's nice,honey,but we're trying to think upa good punishmentfor your brother." "You'll need a costume." "costume.Huh?" "I'm doinga book report on superwoman." "You have to comedressed like her mondayso I can show and tell youas part of my project." "You can also comeas jungle girl, damn it,brick,you've gottatell me thesingsarlier." "I did!" "I've been telling youall week you're my hero." "Didn't you listen?" "Whatever!" "Honey,okay,listen,I'm sorry." "Honey,come back here." "oh,let him be." "What is happening?" "I used to think I wasa pretty good mom,and now..." "God,I really--I don't know." "Hey,come on.You're a great mom." "so brick is weird,and suehas no recognizable talent,and axl's flushing his futuredown the toilet." "All kids are screwed up." "Yeah,not the donahuesacross the street." "No." "Those kids are awesome." "I know." "I did it.I made show choir!" "You did?" "Yeah!" "You sure,honey?" "Is it actuallywritten down somewhere?" "Yes,yes!" "And theyalready rotated me in,so I gotta learn everythingsuper quickfor our first competitionthis friday." "Oh,my god!" "This is huge!" "Oh,honey,that's great!" "sol'm proud of you." "Thanks,dad." "All right,well,I'd betterget my homework done,because I am goingto be so busy." "oh,yay!" "Either sue does have some talent or we have one crappy show choir." "This called for a celebration." "sue,I'm just so proud of you." "I never thoughtyou'd make anything." "Here's a dollar." "Thank you!" "Hey,come on,everybody!" "It's gettin' kind of cold." "We should all get insideand eat together as a family." "move that bus!" "Oh,my." "and now,ladies and gentlemen,fresh fromtheir knockout performanceat hoosier villageassisted livingin terre haute...yay!" "The orson swingsations!" " do you see sue?" " No." "Where the hell is she?" "she's on the crew." "What?" "Oh,that's great!" "The only thinglamer than show choiris being on the crewfor show choir." "Where's sue?" "She's in the--the middlish rowbehind the pregnant girl." "why didn't she tell usshe was only on the crew?" "I don't know." "She does look real happy,though." "That's my daughterright there." "Go,sue!" "mom!" "One more." "One more." "sue,the box." "the box." "no wonder my face looks the way it does." "The swingsion disaster got sue kicked off crew." "So when brick said it was the day of his book report... today's the dayof my book repor" "I was at the end of my rope.But what could I do?" "I was the no-show mom whose kid's best friend was his backpack." "I put on my spanx and went." "anybody call for superwoman?" "That's next nday." "okay,okay,come on.Back to the story." "hi,bob." "Frankie,yeah,it's me,bob." "Listen,that gail woman--she came back to purchase a car." "She's looking for you." "But that dummy pete--he's moving in for the kill." "He's plying her with snow cones." "I don't think she canhold out much longer." "She's on her second grape." "No,no!" "That is my customer!" "Listen,don't let her move.I'm gonna be right there,okay?" "mn it." "And the braking systemis just,like,so great." "Because it,you know,like,it stops really well,and it's got this,I mean,integrated steering wheelthat-- that,like,you know,you turn it,and--and honk if peopleget in the way," " and it just--frankie,are you okay?" "You seem a little...stressed." "Oh,no.I'm fine." "I'm perfect." "Uh,where was I?" "Oh,the horn!" "You're going to love the horn." "Listen to this." "isn't that great?" "I am a matchmaker." "Did I mention that?" "For people and,um,wait." "see?" "Isn't that fabulous?" "You know,I'm a mom,too." "I know what it's liketo balance work and kids.I've got three." "I've got three,too." "Isn't it hard?" "It's really hard." "I'm just stretched so thin.I feel like I can't doanything right." "Oh,I know." "Some days,I swear I just feel likegetting in the carand driving and driving...yeah." "And never coming back." "Do you ever feel like that?" "Only every day!" "we made it!" "Yeah!" "Pedal to the metal,baby,all the way!" "What was that?" "What was what?" "I think we hit something." "Is something wrong with the car?" "Maybe you'd better check." "No,I'm sure it's fine." "I--no--yeah,no,no.I'll check.Okay.Okay." "Yeahi don't see anything." "Sorry!" "I gotthree kids in jail!" "What?" "No way!" "You're notgonna get away with this!" "I've got your licenseback at the office!" "Oh,I bet that's not evenher real license." "Yeah,the picturewas too good." "***" "** b c d e" "f g" " ** - ** h i" "j" "k l" "m n o p q r s t u v w x y z"