"[DONNY HATHAWAY'S "AND THEN THERE'S MAUDE" PLAYS]" "¶LadyGodiva Was a freedom rider ¶" "¶Woo-hoo-hoo¶ ¶ She didn't care ¶" "¶Ifthewholeworldlooked¶" "¶Joanof ArcwiththeLord To guide her ¶" "¶Woo-hoo-hoo¶" "¶Shewasasister Who really cooked ¶" "¶Isadorawasthe first Bra burner ¶" "¶Ain'tyouglad She showed up?" "¶" "¶Oh,yeah¶" "¶Andwhenthe country Was falling' apart ¶" "¶BetsyRoss Got it all sewed up ¶" "¶Andthen There's Maude ¶" "¶Andthenthere'sMaude¶" "¶Andthen There's Maude ¶" "¶Andthenthere'sMaude¶" "¶Andthen There's Maude ¶" "¶Andthenthere'sMaude¶" "¶Andthenthere's...¶" "¶Thatuncompromisin' Enterprisin' ¶" "¶Anythingbuttranquilizin' Right on, Maude!" "¶" "Walter, what time is it?" "Quarter to 7." "What's so important what time it is?" "Carol isn't here, dinner is waiting, she knows I have to go to the hospital tonight to see Eleanor Halsey, and visiting hours are from 6 to 8." "Eleanor Halsey?" "I didn't even know she was sick." "Sick?" "Poor thing." "She's having a hysterectomy." "Oh, is that all?" "I mean, they do hysterectomies like tonsils today." "She'll be fine." "I'm sure Eleanor will be relieved to hear that." "Especially from a Maytag dealer." "Quarter to 7." "[DOORBELL DINGS]" "Oh, that must" "She probably forgot her key." "Oh, well, howdy, ma'am." "Happy to see you lookin' so fine this evening." "I'm trying to win me a four-year scholarship to one of the better eastern colleges." "Uh, well, before you think about college," "I think you should learn how to read." "That sign says, "No solicitors."" "Oh, oh" "This isn't a solicitation, ma'am." "Oh, no." "You see, some of us veterans from Vietnam are competin' in this here contest, and the way we win-- Vietna" "Were you in Vietnam?" "Well, so was I." "For two years, as a foreign correspondent." "Tell me, uh, what unit were you with?" "Because I know every single unit." "Um..." "Um, uh, um, uh..." "A-actually, I was" "Actually, you're selling magazines, aren't you?" "Yeah." "Yes, and you're rotten at it." "Oh, you should have seen the con men who came around after World War II." "They were artists." "They came on crutches, some with bandages." "There were even a few litter cases." "But you?" "You're a bust." "Vietnam." "God, what a lousy war." "Walter." "You know, come to think of it, Carol was late last Tuesday and the Tuesday befo" "Come to think of it, she has been late every Tuesday for a month." "It can only mean one thing." "And what's that?" "She's having an affair." "Maude, why is it the first thing that pops into your mind, an affair?" "Maybe she joined the bowling club at work." "Carol bowling?" "Yes, Carol bowling." "Or a weekly office meeting." "But why an affair?" "Well, it's about time." "Don't start, Mother." "Carol, you're late." "I know." "Well, you could have phoned." "Unless, of course, there's some reason you couldn't." "You want an excuse?" "I'll give you an excuse." "I was shipwrecked on the good ship Lollipop." "Now, if that satisfies you," "I'd be happy for a little silence." "Just plain silence." "Carol, are you angry?" "Oh, it's an affair, all right." "You don't yell like that after bowling." "I admit she's a little touchy, but why does it have to be an affair?" "Oh, Walter, when a woman wears dark glasses in the house, she's obviously trying to cover up the fact that she's been crying." "Not necessarily." "Maybe she's got a black eye." "You're such a comfort." "Good evening, Walter." "Hi, Carol." "Just get in?" "Mother, Phillip's not in his room." "Where is he?" "Oh, I forgot." "He's having dinner over at Pablo's house tonight." "Carol." "Carol." "Have you been crying?" "Carol, why are you wearing dark glasses in the house?" "Aren't you going to the hospital to visit Eleanor Halsey?" "No, that can wait till tomorrow." "Walter says there's nothing to worry about." "Carol, are you having an affair?" "Just leave me alone, Mother." "But that defies reality, Carol." "You are not alone." "Mother is here." "Carol, you have been crying." "Mother, for the last time, will you bug off?" ""Bug off"?" "No, that can't be what they meant when they wrote, "From the mouths of babes."" "No, not "Bug off."" "You wanna see if I've been crying?" "There." "You see?" "You bet I've been crying." "But, Carol, you were always such a happy child." "Sure, Maude, that's why I cry all the time." "I'm so happy." "If I got any happier, I'd be having an anxiety attack." "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "I'm beginning to get the whole story." "Late every Tuesday, crying, anxiety" "Carol, you're seeing a psychiatrist." "That's right." "Walter, did you hear that?" "WALTER:" "How could I miss?" "I mean, you were 10 feet away from me." "She was no more than six." "Wait a minute." "Sound travels at the rate" "Watch it, Walter." "Watch it." "What's the big deal about my seeing a psychiatrist?" "For your information," "I've been seeing him once a week for months." "But, Carol, you were always such a happy child." "You said that before, Maude." "I'm going in to get dinner." "Walter, what is Carol doing seeing a psychiatrist?" "What are you doing feeling so threatened by it?" "Who said I'm threatened?" "I'm not threatened." "There's nothing to be threatened about." "Okay, then, since she's in no mood to discuss it tonight, don't bring it up." "You're right, Walter." "I won't bring it up." "I'll see that she brings it up." "Walter, I know Mother's up to here with questions about my therapy" "Now, wait a minute, Carol." "I know you're too upset to discuss it." "I already spoke to Maude." "She won't bring it up." "You're a darling, Walter." "Walter, when Carol, brings up the subject be careful what you say." "Maude, she won't bring the subject up." "She will." "I promise you." "Okay, this is everything." "Let's go." "Ah." "Oh." "Lookie, lookie, lookie." "Pot roast and mashed potatoes." "Maude, you outdid yourself tonight." "Didn't she, Carol?" "Oh, yes, Mother, it smells so good." "Whoa." "Oh, pass the meat." "You bet." "Hand me the mashed potatoes." "Fantastic." "Beets." "You never told me that you got beets." "Let's go." "Now we can have a little of this here." "Mashed potatoes, Mom." "I haven't had beets in weeks." "Let me have some of that pot roast." "Country gravy." "Oh." "Oh, it's fantastic." "Now, wait a minute, Carol." "Will you please wait a minute?" "Now, how about you, Maude?" "Aren't you eating?" "Boy, what's the matter, love?" "Pain in your tum-tum?" "Aren't you going to eat anything at all, Mother?" "Well, I guess it's just you and me, Walter." "Oh, great." "Three portions to split two ways." "All right, Mother." "That does it." "I didn't bring it up." "Didn't bring what up?" "Your psychiatrist." "I didn't mention him." "I didn't say a word." "All right, Mother." "I've been in therapy three months." "The medical plan at the office pays for it." "The doctor's a graduate of NYU, and his name is Bayard Stern." "That's good." "You know, Freud was Jewish too." "They make the best psychiatrists." "Dr. Stern isn't Jewish." "Oh, really?" "Well, they make good psychiatrists too." "Anyway, that's the whole story." "Except for one thing." "I was a good mother, Carol." "Probably." "What do you mean, "probably"?" "Well, there's a lot I just don't remember, that's all." "Maude, you have nothing to worry about." "You're pro-psychiatry, remember?" "You've always been pro-psychiatry." "So no matter how Carol comes out in her therapy, know that she'll come out of it stronger, healthier and loving you all the more." "What do you mean, there's a lot you don't remember?" "Mother, I'm not gonna discuss my therapy with you." "Dr. Stern said it would get us nowhere." "Well, of course Dr. Stern would say it, because you only tell him the bad things." "The good things you don't even remember." "Carol, I was a model mother." "Okay, you were a model mother." "Remember when you were a child and we lived in Everett, Massachusetts?" "I don't remember that." "Walter, you remember that." "I didn't even know you then." "Walter, leave me alone." "How about when you were going into the first grade." "Your first day of school." "Oh, you cried like a baby." "They called me from school at 10:00 in the morning to come pick you up." "You know what I did?" "I sat there with you all day." "And the next day too." "The only mother in the class... on those tiny chairs." "I don't remember that, either." "You don't rem" "You knock your brains out for them, and they don't remember." "Mother, I don't remember anything between the ages of 3 and 10." "But that's seven years, Carol." "That's when I was the best mother in the world." "Oh, Carol, search your mind." "When you were 3, 4, 5, among all those dinky little three-foot kids, don't you remember one tall, striking woman who seemed to be hanging around a lot?" "No." "I'm sorry, Mother." "It's a block." "The whole period is one big void." "And you're trying to tell me that that psychiatrist is helping her?" "He is, whether you believe it or not." "Mother, try and understand this:" "one of the reasons I'm in therapy is so I can learn to deal with my problems alone, by myself." "I do not want your help." "But that's ridiculous." "No, it's one of the reasons" "I should have moved out of this house a long time ago." "Carol, you want to move?" "Then move." "You mean that?" "No." "Well, that's exactly what I'm going to do." "But, Carol, you can't move." "Yes, I'll start looking for an apartment tomorrow." "Carol, everything's perfect for you here." "You save money, and Walter and I are great baby-sitters for Phillip." "You have your freedom." "That's why you moved in here after your divorce." "Oh, Walter, please talk some sense into her." "Maude, she's a responsible adult." "If she wants to move, let her move." "I knew I could count on you." "I have a good mind to go to see your Dr. Stern tomorrow and tell him he's breaking up my home." "Where are you going?" "To phone some friends about an apartment." "Carol." "If you leave this house under these circumstances, you need never come back." "All right, then, I won't." "Walter..." "What did I say that for?" "Well, you were such a lousy mother all these years," "I guess you figured you'd go all the way." "You really are a comfort." "Ow!" "What do you mean, I was a lousy mother?" "Why are you biting?" "I was the best mother in the world, and you know it." "Uh, this is Dr. Bayard Stern's office." "Yes, I know." "I'm 11:00 Wednesday." "I've been 11:00 Wednesday for three years now." "I don't have an appointment." "Oh." "I want yours." "But" "But-- See, the terrible thing is that I really don't have any plan of action." "But, then, how could I have?" "I mean, I didn't know who was going to be here." "I mean, there was no way I could know who would be here." "You do see that, don't you?" "I see that, yes." "So give me the hour." "No." "I'll buy it from you." "No." "I will make you rich beyond dreams of avarice." "I don't care." "You didn't understand that, did you." "No." "No, neither did I." "I read it in a book somewhere." "Uh, tell me, is Dr. Stern usually on time?" "Yes." "He's very punctual." "On the dot." "Um..." "Listen." "Obviously this means a great deal to me or I wouldn't be here." "You do know that, don't you?" "Uh, yes." "Then, pussycat, listen to me." "I want you... to want me... to have this hour." "In a way, I do." "But not because you think that I might do you great bodily harm." "Oh, no." "No, that's not it." "Because, of course, I wouldn't." "I mean, you do know that, don't you?" "Yes, I know that." "Don't scream." "I won't scream." "I wouldn't hurt a fly." "No, I know that." "I know that." "Believe me, I wouldn't hurt a fly." "Oh, hello-- Oh, excuse me." "I was expecting Mrs. Manley." "Yes, I know." "She had to run." "She did?" "Now, look, she might be back when she thinks about it, so hurry up, doctor." "We may not have too much time." "I, uh, suppose you're wondering who I am." "Well, patients usually do discuss some of the people they're closely involved with, so I do have a guess." "Oh?" "Well, take your best shot, doctor." "Mrs. Findlay." "Carol's mother?" "Bull's-eye." "Now, Mrs. Findlay, if the reason you came to see me is to discuss your daughter," "I would have to have her permission first." "I mean, that is part and parcel of our therapeutic relationship." "You do understand that, don't you?" "Oh, certainly, certainly." "Now, here's what I wanna talk to you about." "No, no, no." "Now, wait a minute, Mrs. Findlay." "You don't understand." "There is no way we can have this meeting without Carol's prior permission." "Look, doctor, why don't I just lay it on the line?" "All right." "In order to get rid of me, you are either going to have to carry me out bodily, kicking, scratching and-- All right, all right." "Enough." "Enough." "I get the idea." "And believe me, I am a pragmatist." "I didn't know." "All my daughter mentioned was that you weren't Jewish." "I see you don't use a couch." "No." "No, I don't believe in them." "Freud used a couch." "But then, he dealt mostly in sex." "Whereas you deal mostly in home-wrecking." "I don't think I quite understand that, Mrs. Findlay." "Doctor, my daughter Carol threatened to leave home last night." "Obviously, you put her up to it." "Oh, no, no." "Carol is perfectly capable of making her own decisions." "I mean, what makes you think I have such control over her?" "Because she has always been a rational, clear-thinking person like her mother." "But last night when she told me she was leaving home, that was not my Carol." "Doctor, the things she said-- What are you writing?" "Oh, it's just a notation." "Go right on." "Uh, doctor, I've seen enough movies to know that when a psychiatrist picks up a pencil, he is not leaving a note for the milkman." "Now, what is it?" "Well, all right." "It's just that I've noticed that ever since you've been here, you have never referred to Carol as "Carol."" "I mean, several times you've used the phrase, uh, "my daughter."" "A moment ago, you said, "my Carol."" "But it's never been just plain "Carol."" "Well, what's that supposed to make me?" "Over-possessive, I suppose?" "No, no." "I didn't say that." "Oh?" "Well, then, scratch out the three "my Carols,"" "the two "my daughters,"" "make it five "Carols,"" "and you'll come out even." "Mrs. Findlay, since you're here," "I really do want you to feel comfortable." "Now, there is no need to be on the defensive." "On the defensive?" "[SCOFFS]" "What have I got to be on the defensive about?" "I mean, I" "I carried my daughter inside" "Did I say "my daughter"?" "No, I meant Carol." "You know, my daughter." "Anyway, I carried her inside me for nine months." "I raised her." "I loved her." "I lived with her father-- A wacko you couldn't believe." "two years longer than I should have because of her, so you take back that word "defensive,"" "because I am taking back the right to call my daughter" ""my Carol" anytime I feel like it." "Mrs. Findlay, what exactly did you hope to accomplish by coming here." "I don't want Carol leaving home." "Not out of anger." "You mentioned her father." "That was your first husband?" "No, that was my second." "Oh, I see." "Right now, you're married to your third?" "No, Walter's my fourth." "Oh." "You know, life is trial and error, doctor." "Actually, the only reason I married in the first place was to get out of the house and away from my mother, you know." "You write that, and they'll call you "Lefty."" "Mrs. Findlay, uh, your mother..." "Was she a tall woman?" "Doctor, I have no intention of going through my life history with you." "I did not come here for therapy for myself, so there is nothing on my heart that I have to unload to you." "And if you can't see that, then I think you're a terrible psychiatrist, and I think you ask ridiculous questions." "She was 5'11" and a half, in stocking feet with a voice that shattered glass." "Where on earth is Mother?" "Walter, I'm talking to you." "She knows I'm moving tonight." "She knows I wouldn't leave without saying goodbye." "I think she's being darned inconsiderate." "Well, it's about time." "Don't bug me, Carol." "Do you know how late you are?" "You wanna know where I've been?" "All right, I'll tell you where I've been." "I've been climbing Mount Rushmore with the Pope." "Is that enough?" "Is that okay?" "Mother, have you been crying?" "No." "I have a black eye." "I think she's having an affair." "When a woman wears dark glasses" "Don't do this to me, Walter." "Oh, ooh..." "I think I'm having an anxiety attack." "Carol, that's your department." "Mother, are you seeing a psychiatrist?" "I don't wanna talk about it." "You couldn't be seeing Dr. Stern." "He would have wanted to talk to me first." "I said I don't want to discuss it." "Well, how can I help you if you won't talk to me?" "I'm your daughter." "And I'm your mother." "How about the time I wanted to talk to you?" "I know." "I should have let you, but I just couldn't." "It's different, my leaning on you." "I've always done that." "So wouldn't it be nice if just this once you could lean on me?" "It doesn't come easy, Carol." "I know that." "You've always maintained that hard, crusty exterior, but inside..." "Mush." "Mother, please let me help you." "Well, I did see Dr. Stern today." "You couldn't have." "He would have asked my permission first." "I know that's part and parcel of the doctor/patient relationship." "You did see Dr. Stern." "I don't know how you manage it, Mother, but leave it to you." "I finally get somebody I can talk to, wouldn't you know, you'd get to him." "But I didn't get to him." "What are you talking about?" "First, you say you did." "Then you say you didn't." "I didn't get to him." "He got to me." "Carol, I saw the man at 11:00 this morning, and I've been crying all day." "But you were talking about me." "Why should you be crying?" "That's it." "I wasn't talking about you." "Carol, do you recall when you told me that you don't remember anything that happened from the time you were 3 until you were 10?" "That huge chunks of childhood were completely blocked out?" "That you don't even remember having seen your mother during that period?" "Well," "I talked to Dr. Stern about my mother too." "Oh, Mother, you don't remember, either?" "No, it's worse with me." "I remember." "Oh, boy, do I remember." "Carol, I wanna ask you something." "Do you love me?" "What kind of a question is that?" "It's a hell of a question." "That's what kind of question it is." "Well, of course I love you." "You're my mother." "No, I didn't ask you if you love me because I'm your mother." "I asked you if you love me." "Well, how can I separate the two?" "You are my mother." "Yeah, but what if I weren't?" "Mother, you're impossible." "Carol, you have exactly 10 seconds to answer." "How can I answer that question?" "Five." "There's no possible way-- Four." "All right." "I love you." "I would love you no matter who you were." "I love you." "Now, does that make you happy?" "Very happy." "Now, can we change the subject?" "Certainly." "Let's talk about you." "What are the things you love about me?" "[¶¶¶]" "¶Ooh-ooh-ooh¶" "ANNOUNCER:" "Maude was recorded on tape before a live audience." "¶Oh,yeah¶" "¶Andthen There's Maude ¶" "¶Andthen There's Maude ¶" "¶Andthen There's Maude ¶"