"Yes, PimmeIimm, right." "Me?" "5 foot 11, 165 Ibs, athletic..." "We could have a Iot of fun together." "My nickname's Anaconda, by the way." "And not because my skin's leathery..." "Lars, dear, are you coming?" "It's getting late and we wanted to have breakfast together at Ieast once." "Lars?" "Besides, we wanted to go shopping." " Yes, I'm coming." "EroII," "I want to show you something terrific." "hello ..." "Conny, please, I can't pilot like this." " alright, then I'II take the joystick." "Conny, what if this thing crashes?" "I've got a firm grip on the stick." "Shit!" "I don't want to calm down." "It's stupid." "Why do you always have to work the weekend shift?" "I want us to go shopping, do the garden ..." " alex, a pilot who doesn't fly isn't a pilot." " I do love the pilot in you." "But not if he's always away." " It's just for a few days." " And nights." "I'II bring back a flower from Indonesia for our beautiful garden." "A casturi?" " Yes." "God, why did I land a pilot?" "Yeah, ready for take-off." "I gotta go." " I'II take you to the train." " No need." "Just to see you a while longer!" " alex, don't make a scene." "I ordered a taxi." "It's probably waiting at the crossing." "Keep working out!" "fly carefully." "EroII?" "You coming?" "EroII!" " Yes?" "We're going shopping!" "You've had your fun, now it's my turn." " You've ordered half the internet!" "That's not shopping, it's clicking." "One's real sex, the other's masturbating!" "You know how much I Iike to hold things in my hands." "Come on!" "Turn right, then turn right ..." " Turn right, then turn right ..." "Why is the satnav on?" "You'd get to the Happy Center with your eyes closed." " Give me a little professional credit!" "I always have to applaud your software stuff." ""Good boy, EroII, great programming!"" "But when I do something ..." " It's great, you did the satnav voice." "I'm probably the only guy in the world whose wife tells him where to go even if she's not in the car with him." "Funny." "NO ENTRY FOR UNAUTORIZED PERSONS" "MEN'S REFUGE" "A name says a Iot about a person so I think it's important what we call our son." "What do you think of Severin?" "Sounds like a hemorrhoid cream." " And Torben-Maria?" "Maria?" "Our son will be a man, not a sissy." "Honking won't speed things up." " But it relieves the boredom." "Make way, my wife's doctor!" "A pregnant doctor!" "Welcome to the Happy Center!" "We hope you have a pleasant day." "What I need is a really big cupboard, with enough shelves and room for all our stuff!" "Oh, that smells wonderful!" " No, please!" "Judith said the barbeque starts at four, and we're to take some sausages and something like pork chops." "Oh, damn, they're vegans, aren't they?" "The little shits!" "They love stealing my parking space, knowing full well they wouldn't stand a chance on the road." "smile all you Iike, you cheap tart." "Next time I'II park on top of her!" "PAM TO PIMMELIMM." "PUSSY-POWER?" "Who is it?" " Pam." " What?" "Spam." "Some spam shit." "Get a move on, guys!" "Hurry up." "Maybe back in poland you need weeks, but this is Germany!" " Yes, Boss." "You've got three days to get the pipes on the roof painted immaculately." " Yeah, Boss." "This Turkish boss is more German than a German boss." "There we are!" "You're joking." "This is a parking space for the disabled." " You're pregnant." "That's a disability of sorts." "So what is your disability?" " Tourette's, you cunt." "Lame, but always cool." "Our latest scent." "I'II squirt back!" "What a beautiful brooch!" " It's celtic." "It's really wonderful." "I'm an actress, you know." "I'II be auditioning for the part of a gallery owner with an Irish father." "She doesn't know her father but the opening of some nobleman's will may explain her love for all things Irish." "well that fits!" "The brooch is celtic." "exactly!" "Which part of CeItonia is it from exactly?" "Lars, are you coming?" " With pleasure, time and again!" "One left." "Lazy bums!" "Sorry." "HeImut, what is it?" "No more beer." " I'II be a while." "You know what a drama queen Conny is." "If I leave at the wrong time, it'll take hours, and the soccer will have started." "will you pay cash or by card?" "EroII, dear!" "will you come and pay?" "You're such a bunch of wusses!" "Over and out." "How cute!" "We'd probably need this color." "Anyway, we need romper suits." "Excuse me?" "Where can I find the romper suits?" "Look!" "What do you think?" "Isn't this cute?" "I'II definitely take this one Thank you." "But that won't do yet." "How about green?" "No, maybe something teal, don't you think?" "I didn't think it'd be this heavy." "The celts are more the stocky type." " But half my breast is hanging out!" "It'd work better on a coyote skin than a delicate blouse." "But if anyone has breasts you'd want to show off to the camera, it's you." "EroII, please, it's a serious part, not a porn movie." " Okay ..." "With this design?" "I don't know ..." "well, hello!" "Hey, you." "You can be so sweet." " No, I was just ..." "I wanted to see what it's like." " And?" " It's great." "cool." "Awesome." "Can you feel it?" " What?" "Your son, of course." "He's kicking." "I'm looking forward to it, docking the pumping station ..." "Be serious for once." " I am!" "The driver of the Porsche Cayenne, license plate F-KK-966, is urged to vacate the parking space for the disabled." "I told you not to park there." "It's embarrassing." "The bags!" "The bags." "It'd be nice, if you got back ..." " "Before your son was born." Yes." "We'd Iike to return this, please." " Yes." "Have you got the receipt?" "Without one I can't take it back, I'm afraid." "My hands are tied there." "You know very well, we only just bought it here, because this brooch explains her love for all things Irish." "Yes." "I'm sorry, but like I said ..." "I can't find the receipt." "Just please take back this celtic junk." "Excuse me?" " Are you crazy?" "Do excuse him!" "My husband can be quite emotional." "I will keep the brooch of course." "And you could get me that Irish scent from the cosmetics department." "EroII, dear." "Okay." "I will." "Please don't leave your valuables unattended." "Have a nice day shopping!" "Shit." "DISABLED PERSON'S PASS" "There you are." "Here's my pass." "What do they care?" "I can't get out." "I can't walk." "I have to see the doctor." " Okay, I'II hurry." "I hope so." "ChantaIIe!" "That's my car!" "Wait!" "ChantaIIe!" "Shit, you bastards!" "Why so upset?" "You're driving!" "HeImut?" "HeImut, are you there?" "Gotcha!" "Are you crazy?" "What are you doing down there?" "There were men in the corridor." "I just wanted to make sure." "You always go overboard." "EroII, for the security of our men's refuge, all caution is necessary." " Yeah ..." "You're right." "So, was it bad?" " God!" "I can tell you." "First Conny buys a lump of silver they forgot to clean after they dug it up." "On the escalator she notices that this celtic piece of junk pulls down her blouse so far you can see her tits." ""I didn't think it'd be this heavy!"" "So we start looking for a blouse that keeps her boobs under wraps." "Just like my wife." "exactly the same!" "Women!" "finally she finds one with the right cut, but it's too transparent." "So we buy a new bra, even though the Victoria's Secret boxes are piling up." "still, you made it." "Every time you think you've made it, there's a shoe shop nearby." "God, they're it!" "I was afraid they'd gone." " cool shoes, right?" "I have the same model over here with a golden bow, if they don't fit." ""Good!" I think. "hopefully she'II buy the ones with the buckle." But no, she says:" "Right, I'II take them both!" " You should've heard me." ""If you're seriously thinking of going home with that pile of shoes, you can forget about sex!" And off I went." "You threaten your wife with not sleeping with her?" "EroII, are you gay?" "No!" "But if you get harassed by your wife at every opportunity ..." " Harassed?" "Do you know what it's like trying to write complex software at the computer while someone's nibbling your ear all the time and groping you in such a way it makes you wonder she only has two hands?" "What kind of relationship is it, if you can't say what you want or not?" "How can a man say he's not in the mood?" "Just imagine the commotion!" "A real man is always in the mood." "It's like a brand essence." "A unique selling point." "It's about honor, you know?" "You know that!" " Sure I do." "Sometimes my ..." "alex is so turned on I can hardly stop her." "Turned out beautifully ... your restaurant." " Grazie!" "Prego." "Listen, the babe over there, is she your daughter?" " No." "Cousin, sister-in-Iaw, niece?" "No." "In that case, she's got the hottest pair of hooters I've seen in a Iong time." "Hooters?" " You know ..." "And that saucy fuck-me look must be good for business." "Maria ... is my wife." "could you put some chili oil on the ... pizza?" "That's fine." "Maybe a little more." "I just want some peace." "Conny doesn't get it." "Within 3 minutes she goes from "You don't find me attractive" to "You get me down"" "to "I'm posting on Facebook that you made me kill myself."" "She'd do that?" " absolutely." " A bit excessive." "You know, EroII ..." "That's why we need the men's refuge." "A sex and women-free zone, where we men can be men." "entirely without unique selling points." "Pizza, you bunch of pansies!" "So, been making out on the couch?" "well here's some lovely grub." " With triple meatballs?" "Number 1 7, as ordered." "One for dear uncle HeImut." "You all good?" "Fine." "Boy, am I hungry!" "Enjoy!" " Enjoy." "Mmh, good!" "Are you sure that ..." " Yes!" "Just checking." "Turn it down." "Turn it down!" "Anne, my darling, where are you?" "I Iooked everywhere for you." "But I had a sudden meeting that took priority." "Yes, I'm really sorry, but maybe I can sell the sheikhs 200 chemical toilets." "Yes." "Yes, but ..." "Anne ..." "Just convert it in baby clothes." "Yes, you see?" "My little dove, just hop in a taxi and we'II discuss everything this evening." "Yes, so do I." "Even more than you." "Yes, bye, bye." "The incessant yapping!" "apparently women talk three times as much as men do." "Three times?" "That'd be good." "Thirty times as much!" "I counted 26,000 words a day once." "They put everything through the verbal mangIe." "Mmh, great this number 1 7." "Right, men!" "I'II tell you this, if I see any paint drips later on, you'II start all over again." "Okay, BoIek and LoIek?" "Sure, Boss, no drips." "Now what?" "This is a men's refuge!" " Yes," "I know that." "hello with five O's, Sexy Lars speaking ..." "PimmeIimm, right." "5 foot 1 1 , 1 65 Ibs, with a few extras that I'd love to show you." "well, my meat whip, for instan..." "certainly I'm married." "Yes, with a woman of course, or do I sound like a keister bandit?" "An open relationship, my dear." "Say, you have a sexy voice." "Where are you from?" "Frankfurt!" "Oh, in East Germany." "No need." "I'II call you." "Yes, bye." "A man doesn't have to go along with everything." "A little bit of class is important." " A little bit." " Tiny little bit." "Fun fight!" "What's going on there?" "Sounds like man-kiII-man." "Or fucky-fucky." "Stop it." "Stop it!" "Lars, Lars!" "What's going on here?" "We uhm ..." " It's what we do here." "For fun." "And you?" "Who are you?" "Aykut oral." "The estate's new facility manager." "What I say goes, get it?" " Shit ..." "And this ... is my friend." "A cranked 55 combination wrench made of an uItrahard chromium-vanadium alloy." "If you're not gone in a minute ..." "Beer?" " Cigarette?" " Pizza?" " Beer's cold." "We have an icebox." " Nice and spicy." "HeImut, founder of this basement." " Lars RudoIph, my pleasure." " EroII." "Are you Turkish?" "Man, I'm so sick of that question!" "Do I Iook like a Turk?" "Do I?" " A little." " I'd been meaning to ask." "I'm German!" "More German than sausages!" "I'm even allergic to kebab." " What?" " But you're name's Turkish." "Yes, that's the problem." "My mother wanted to call me Kevin." "But I almost rolled off the changing table, so my Dad shouted, "He rolls!"" "Now I'm constantly being taken for a Turk!" "should I get a federal eagle tattooed on my forehead?" " Listen up, Kevin!" "What's so bad about being taken for a Turk?" "I assume you're Turkish?" "What else?" "I do lots of business with these ..." "with your brothers." "They're a wonderful people." "I do a Iot for intercultural understanding." "What kind of business?" " Big business?" "Houses ... small ones." "Where you ..." " Port-a-johns!" "Yes, alright, port-a-johns!" "It's an international business." "Crapping connects us all!" " exactly." "Anyway, I discovered this room, and we've been meeting here ever since." "Just hanging out." " Doing stuff men do." "tickling each other?" "No, that was ..." " CIose-combat training." "Nothing to do with sex or anything." " No!" " We have soccer." "But it's true!" "We can't just ..." " Fuck that!" "Occupying boiler rooms is strictly prohibited." "You have to leave." " We're no danger to anyone." " Listen, the couch alone, made of a PVC compound ..." "The smoke knocks you out, then everything burns down." "And look at you!" "You're made of synthetics." "I can see it from over here." "You're one big potential flaming inferno!" "But I'II go easy." "Just leave and that's it." "No, this isn't a normal basement!" " It's our home!" " Our life!" "Go to a bar." "Which bar?" "Listen, Aykut, there used to be smoking lounges and gentlemen's clubs, where men could withdraw from women." "Those were the days!" "Nowadays our women do as they please, and we have to talk about it with them afterwards." "Aykut ..." "You know what it's like, right?" "No." "What do you mean, no?" "No means ..." "Turkish men don't know that kind of thing." "It's just because you German wusses aren't real men!" "No Turkish man would accept that kind of thing." "With us a man's the boss around the house." "The woman obeys." "Period!" "My wife?" "A new head scarf once a year and that's it!" "Amazing." "And if I want to burp at home ..." "I burp!" "Now scram, guys!" "Damn." "We felt so good here." "Here's a suggestion." "I'II give you four days." "You're out by Wednesday." "Four days?" "And get rid of this escape-route obstruction!" "Just like the rest of all this crap." "And while you're at it, mop the floor!" "It's been mopped ..." "Man, was that faIafeI-farter lucky I didn't clobber him." "I came this close!" "He had that uItrahard thing with him." " I couId show him something uItrahard, that mufti!" "He threw us out." "It's a disaster." "A total disaster!" "So it's time they all got to know us." "We're the Three Musketeers!" "Those who mess with us will meet their WaterIoo!" "historically not quite correct, but basically you're absolutely right." "If the enemy blacks out the sun, we will fight in the shadow." "What?" " If the enemy blacks out the sun, we will fight in the shadow." "This basement was the start of a wonderful friendship." "MAILROOM HAPPY-CENTER" "With that lot it's worth the trouble." " Yeah." "Guess how many are mine." "None?" "Bingo!" "I even have to pick one up!" "Sorry, I ..." "Anne, where are you?" " Shit!" "To the shoe store?" "The two of us?" "Conny goes mad, if this gets mixed up." "She was blacklisted by ThaIando once!" "It's a disaster!" "Guys, I have to go to the shoe store." "1 00 euros for an excuse, the clock's running!" " If I may," "I'd Iike to show you both something." "Something better than any excuse." "Something wonderful." "This stays between us." "Now don't say anything." "Just enjoy it." "Ah, it's Susi from the SauerIand!" "dildo Baggins speaking!" "Yes, PimmeIimm, right." "You've got what?" "How big?" "well hello there!" "A latex dong with WiFi!" "Crazy." "I'd advise you not to eat anything beforehand." "See you there." "Right, guys, you start thinking up a strategy to save the men's refuge." "I have to log in to another network." "Lars!" "So now what?" "I mean, two musketeers is just silly." "Yeah." "I'm going home." "Maybe Conny's still away, then I can get some work done." "Let's meet up tomorrow." "I'II do some brainstorming at home." "Yes." " It's Aykut." "Aykut oral, the facility manager." "hello ..." "I got your number from the directory." "There's only one EroII here." "Yes, I hope so." "Seeing as otherwise everything comes in pairs." "About the basement ..." "I'm really sorry, but you have to clear out sooner." "But we agreed ..." " This Monday the painters are coming." "You'd best get your stuff out tomorrow morning." "To avoid any hassle, see?" "Otherwise we're in big trouble." "I see." "Sure." " And another thing." "If you don't ..." "See you there!" "It really turns me on, you on the phone all concentrated ..." " Conny, please!" "Don't you think I'm sexy anymore?" "Yes, I do, but ..." "Am I too fat, or what?" "Nonsense!" "shall I put my red things on?" " Conny, please, just leave me alone!" "HeImut, there's a problem with the basement." "I'm on my way to yours." "HeImut?" "What are you doing here?" "Sorry." "I'm sorry." "But this is where HeImut lives, right?" "The pilot?" "Isn't it?" "Yes." " Yes, so ... is he in?" "No." "A Iast-minute roster change." "On-caII duty." "He'II be back in a few days." "Anything else?" "No, no." "Have a nice evening." "You come home reeking of cheap perfume." "Your phone's always ringing." "probably some Eastern European hookers." "And now this rubber pussy in your bag!" "Think of the baby." "I am thinking of our baby." "That's why I say, get out!" " What?" "Anne ..." "Not that!" "You're exaggerat..." "Anne!" "God, Anne!" "What will I do without ...?" " Piss off!" "Come on." "Hey, are you fagging up to me?" "Sorry." "It's just because you were crying." "Crying?" "Me?" "You're shitting me!" "Not till Chuck Norris gets his period!" "I got something in my eye." "It hurts." " You shouldn't excite a pregnant woman." "That could put her into labor." " The Greek word for uterus is hysteria!" "And she is hysterical, the stupid cow!" " Lars, cut it out!" " But it's true." "Here." "It's got hair on it!" "How retro!" "Are they real?" " As real as mine." "cool, right?" "Want to borrow it?" "What?" "I STAND EVERYWHERE PORT-A-JOHN" "It's his pussy, okay?" "I don't have anything like that." "I mean, I do." "A real one." "Back home." "With lots of woman round it." "You can read the rest on Facebook." "Get back to your home, you peeping Tom!" "Right, I'm off." "Anne can beg as long as she likes." "She knew she married a really potent guy." "She just has to cope with it." "I'II spend the next few days in the men's refuge." "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." " What?" "HeImut!" " What are you doing here?" "You almost broke my ribs." "well, why are you hiding under the sofa?" " I thought you had a roster change and were on your way to the airport." " It changed again." "When I heard your message" "I thought I'd guard our men's refuge." "Then I heard steps so I hid here." "I thought it was" "Aykut oral." " Aykut oral?" "He should be called Aykut anal, that asshole." "How were you going the defend our basement from down there?" "Tactics." "I was gonna ... it was ..." "I got fired." "Last year." "What?" "During a check-up they found out my sight was impaired." "suddenly you're an old man who's not allowed in the cockpit." "well, I wouldn't like to be flown by Stevie Wonder either, to be honest." "And that's why you're here?" "My alex was so proud of having a pilot for a husband." "She loves the uniform." "I even wore it at our wedding." "Yes ..." "I couldn't bring myself to tell her I'm nothing anymore." "But if we get kicked out here, my cover's blown." "I can't always stay in a hotel." "That oral called me." "We have to leave by tomorrow." " What?" "The little macho piggy!" " Now of all times, when Lars has nowhere to go either." "Anne's thrown him out." " What?" "I wasn't thrown out." "No, I wanted to go back in, but EroII talked me out of it." "Excuse me?" " Sure!" "actually pulled me away!" "You were crying." " You're crazy." "He's crazy." "I don't cry." "You had tears ..." " Stop bickering!" "I'II get us a beer, and then we'II consider what to do." "Here's to good suggestions." "So who was the haIf-naked guy at your place?" " Guy?" "The one collecting slugs in the garden." "officially I'm away on duty." "So I sublet the place to save on costs." "He's here for the trade show." ""Home and Garden." An ambience guy." "You leave a complete stranger alone with your wife?" "He's harmless." "Because he's gay." "Wears a gay pinky ring!" " But you didn't know that." "Or did you write, "Looking for a gay gardener to catch slugs and not bang my wife"?" "You can." "Oh, God!" "Conny wants to kill herself." "Shit!" "Conny!" "What do you want?" "Don't do it!" " Why not?" "At least I won't bug you any longer." " I didn't mean it like that." "Come on." "You're just saying that." " No, really ..." "I'm sorry about what I said." "I didn't mean it like that." "You don't love me anymore." "Of course I Iove you." "Even as a little girl I thought, "If you ever want to leave this dump, find a man and make him happy."" "I need to feel I'm being looked at, being desired, being loved!" "It's deep down inside of me." "always has been!" " That's good, Conny." "I do look at you." "And you just don't notice how much I desire you." " Yes?" "So ... do I make you happy?" "Conny, please wai..." "Let me ..." "Oh, man, attack him!" "Since when does Messi play for Bremen?" " Since I bought him." "4-0." "For a blind guy you don't half play bad." "Practice makes perfect." "So how do we defend here?" " How should I know?" "I'd have to buy Dante." "I mean, how do we defend the refuge?" "How do we defend the Iast bastion of manhood?" "Let's do something radical." "I won't immoIate myself." "My skin's far too delicate." "I'II tell you what." "We'II form male chains!" "Everyone will report about it." "What are you on?" "male chains!" "There's just three of us!" "Men must be capable of solidarity too!" "Anne?" "Anne." " Jessie!" " Jessie." " Yes," "So, any chance of us getting down tonight?" "You wanted to sign yourself out?" "Okay." "I won't call then, if I bother the two of you." "When did you get this "friend"?" "well, that's great ... for you." "Yes." "Yes." "Okay." "Bye." "The same to you!" "Women!" "The feminization of the world progresses unceasingIy." "Quota for women, magazines for women, parking spaces for women, sitting down to pee, romantic comedies everywhere ..." "They'II force us to play women's soccer!" " I'd rather join the paralympics." "But look, who is leading the country?" "A woman." " well, "woman" ..." " Yes!" "Men are being made a laughing stock." "Just look at advertising." "These guys are all softies." "They're not men!" "Are they?" "There are no more men." "One by one we're being debaIIed." "That's true." "It's all going according to some big secret plan." "Thanks, Sweetie, for coming so quickly." "It wasn't that quick ..." " I might've taken the pills and could be dead by now." "You know, I've been thinking lately," "I should change something in my Iife." " How do you mean?" "I read an article in the paper about letting go." " So?" "You shouldn't cling to everything you think is precious." "only people who are able to let go can be happy in the Iong run." "Sounds reasonable." "D'you think I should let go more?" "well ..." "In a way, yes." "You know what?" "I'II start first thing tomorrow!" "I'II pack a huge stack of return packages, and then I'II let go of everything." "So listen, will you spend the night here?" "Yes." "Mayday, mayday!" "Nightcap?" " No thanks." "I've already brushed my teeth." "Hey, Lars?" "Do you have to sleep here?" " No, I just want to." "You have to." "Night, John-Boy." "Bye, see you later!" " Bye." "holy shit!" "Here, darling." "You forgot this." "Return it too." "Thank you." "oral and the celtic chick!" "Lucky it wasn't your turn yet, or you'd have to go right back to the end of the line." " Yes, that was lucky." "Don't forget it's our game evening with Sonja and Sören." "You wanted to get some food in." " I know." "But nothing Turkish." "Sonja gets heartburn easily." "Marion, I know that." " I know you know." "I thought you wore the pants at home!" "What was it? "Put her in a headscarf and that's it."" "Headscarf my ass." "You're one of us, buddy." " Just today." "That's what it looked like." "We'II be expecting you." "You know where." "Listen, what made me sleep on the floor?" " Gravity." " I was thinking all night about what we're going to do." "while you were snoring?" "And you were whining." ""Anne, my dear Anne, please," "let me in!"" " You're one ball short of bonkers." "Men, there's light at the end of the tunnel." "Conny killed herself." "You can be so crude!" " I'm just me." " while you were being you" "I caught our Turkish facility friend red handed!" "His wife doesn't have a headscarf." "She's not even Turkish." "He's with a chick from the jewelry shop." "He has to take boxes to the mail just like the rest of us." " No!" "He's the janitor, he has the power to throw us out and he's planning to." "If he stops throwing his weight around because we know the score ..." "We can get him on board!" " That's the plan!" "Now we know he's just a schmuck like us ..." "I'm not a schmuck, you're the schmucks." "Who calls PimmeIimm?" "Aykut's on his way to talk it over." "This feels like a software update for our refuge." " It's a brilliant plan." "You're my man!" "solving problems is my job." "Right, lads, now we've solved the refuge problem, you no Ionger need me." "You see, I've got ... a ding-dong date!" "His mind's on other things." "It's like an addiction." "Is our code word "Giant ding-dong"?" " We'II see about that." "Do I know you?" "You look different on the website." "Tourette's, you cunt." " That's your code name?" "The disabled parking lot!" "Then I found you on the internet." "really?" "Right, little man, Iet's get to it." "You like to play the active, dominant part?" " Oh, yes!" "I'm no stranger to that." "I Iike it." "You'II like this too." "Okay ..." "And you're going to love this!" "Okay!" "What was up with Conny yesterday?" "OvuIating or something." " OvuIating?" "I don't have much time." "What do you want?" " Today's a very special day." "We're offering you a place in our men's refuge, brother." " And don't say you don't need it." "We know better." "slow down, here." "Just because I take some boxes to the mail for my wife, doesn't mean I'm a wuss like you lot." "And where's your stallion?" " stallion?" " Do you really think anything can be kept secret round here?" "With this building density?" "especially your friend the sperm donor, as my wife Marion calls him ..." "suddenly his Ayse is called Marion." "Did you get the nibbles for the game evening with Sonja and Sören?" "lovely spare ribs?" " You have to leave." "Today." "Okay." "You're the boss." "You decide." "If you really ..." "I can't." " You can't what?" "I'd lose my job." " What?" "But you're the boss!" "Right." " Maybe I exaggerated a little." "Exaggerated?" "Three months ago I was only a janitor." "Then I got this job as facility manager, plus a company apartment." " That's great." "I'm in my trial period." "If they find out what's going on here, I'm history." "So you're a schmuck at home and a schmuck at work." "You're probably not even a real Turk!" " careful!" "What sets me apart from you is that I don't hide in a basement like a damned Ioser!" "Who's a loser here?" "I don't feel the need to pretend I'm an iPhone although I'm only a Nokia 621 0!" "He means that in the men's refuge we don't pretend to be anything we're not." "EroII is the most honest soul I know, except when he's deceiving Conny." "What do you mean?" " Don't say you don't want to have sex." "I can't tell you anything!" "A man should decide for himself if he wants to have sex or not." " Oh, yeah?" "What if she goes berserk?" "When she threatens to take these?" "Taxodom?" " exactly." "Taxodom." " Vitamins?" "bullshit, they're sleeping pills." " I used to take them on intercontinental flights." "They make you fit." "Your wife uses vitamin pills to force you to have sex?" "Great!" "Conny?" "These were in the garage." "Could you mail them, please?" "Eroll Müller is unavailable right now." "Leave your business or private message." "Shit!" "EroII, if you get this, call me back, please." "It's really very urgent." "This was Lars." "call HeImut!" "The one time I need you assholes!" "Calculating route ..." " How can you calculate my route?" "Shut up, Conny!" "Hey, Ayran ..." "Aykut?" "How are things?" "Like I told your friends, you have to leave." "End of discussion." "Sure, boss, you're right." "And we will." "But this is about something else." "I need your help." "Many people do." "Get an appointment." " No!" "I really need your help." "Now!" "As a neighbor?" "As a friend?" "As a man!" "How did that happen?" " I tripped?" "Can we discuss this somewhere else?" "This is a damn emergency!" "A man in need requires the help of another man!" "A fine mess!" "What were you doing?" "I made a lame joke and ..." " What joke?" " Never mind." "Just get me out." "Are you crazy?" "What if you slip?" "For the price of that wheel you could go on holiday for 6 weeks." "Saw there." "Over there!" "I thought you'd pick the lock." "After all, you're a Turk." "I Iike you Turks." "especially your women." "A joke." "Wait, I'II just check my email." "Hang on." "How cool is that?" "MOVEMENT SIGNAL" "What's that?" "I'II call you back, okay?" "Yes, bye." "What the hell?" "You lousy little asshole!" "Thanks." "And how will we get that thing off?" "gently?" "Have you gone completely insane?" "A joke." "Funny." "really, very ... funny." "MULTIPURPOSE GREASE" "Right then!" "Just a moment." "It's all very delicate down there, very sore and very sensitive ..." "You cannot be serious, Aykut oral!" "Don't ... don't break it." "That hurt!" " I couId've left it on." "Be glad your dick didn't come off." " Where is it anyway?" "Just look at it!" " No, man, I've seen far too much as it is." "Aykut, all this ..." "please, it has to stay between us, okay?" "If not, I'II break every bone in your body." "Just what I wanted to hear." "Keep going, keep going." "Very good." "Keep going." "Thanks again." "You're welcome." "Hey, what is this?" "Marion, darling!" "What are you doing?" "The question is what were you just doing in the garage?" "Fixing something." " And the sperm donor?" "He was helping me." "He was helping you?" "That's not what it looked like to me!" "Your smoke alarms give a great picture!" "It's not what it looks like." " No, of course not!" "You just have to look closer." "But wait ... you can't see anything!" "Now piss off, you sick control freak!" "Is the fine gentlemen interested in our men's refuge after all?" "I know all about it." "I met Aykut." "Where were you?" " well ..." "What are you doing?" "The machine overheated." "Don't they give pain relief too?" "absolutely." "That's great." "The horror!" "Now I have to find something that goes with it." "Yes!" "I'm telling you, what a mess." "well, luckily I had this paypal voucher, you know?" "But of course they no Ionger had the red blouse in my size." "Meike, I'II call you back, okay?" "EroII?" "What's going on here?" "What do you think?" "If it's a way to rap me for buying another pair of shoes, don't worry!" "I'm in control of my consumer behavior." "You're as much in control of that as you are of your sexual behavior." "How do you explain these?" " What about them?" "Don't you want to save me?" "call an ambulance?" "Pump my stomach?" "EroII, please!" " please what?" "I didn't know what else to do." "I just wanted you to take me seriously." "Sometimes women overreact ... a little." "Sometimes?" "A little?" "I just get very emotional when I feel unloved and rejected by you," "left alone at home," "left at the Happy Center, not knowing where you are or if you'II come back at all." "Conny sometimes you really go overboard." " To me my fears are real, you know?" "Conny, please." "I'd really like to talk about this." " Gangbang me!" "What, by myself?" "Just make a little effort!" "Conny ..." " EroII!" " Conny, stop, please!" "Give me a hand with this thing." "You turn me on so much!" "Great, this plantation of yours." "I can't smoke pot at home because my wife would know right away I don't fly anymore." "But I always bring my alex a botanical gift." "Here." "CrassuIa Ovata from South Africa," "Mangifera Casturi from Indonesia and SedIum AdIum from Qatar." "Just to be clear," "I'm not gay!" "Why would you be?" "I'm just saying." "Before people start gossiping." " Who would?" "Marion." "She's started telling everyone that I gave him a blowjob." " Me?" "while I was releasing your thing from the vacuum." "There's no need to shout it ..." "You didn't tell your wife, did you?" "I wish I had." "Then she wouldn't think I'm gay now." " She's nuts anyway." "That's my wife you're talking about!" "I'm a completely normal hetero, with completely normal desires." "This is all your fault, you perverted swine." "That bit of swinging." "You probably can't even get it up anymore without that perverted stuff." "What?" "What did you say?" "You can make Viagra from my blood, you camel driver." "Ask Conny!" "Why Conny?" "EroII's Conny?" "You had a thing with EroII's Conny?" "well I ..." "Yes and no." "I was going to watch soccer with EroII, but he couldn't get the update sorted for his lolita bridal Fashion web shit." "And since he was never there anyway, Conny and me got together to study her part." "You slept with your friend's wife?" " It's not so terrible." "You're such an asshole!" "Now listen here, you mufti!" " What's going on here?" "well?" "Go on, tell your friend." "Hey, hello, EroII." "What?" "Web design for lolita bridal Fashion?" " Yeah, the whole server crashed." "It took me weeks." "Why?" "It took you weeks." "Away from home." "You came home late." "HeImut ..." "And one evening Lars showed up at your Conny's door." "hello there!" "Your lord and master not home?" " No." "Did you plan to meet?" "Come in." "I'm doing abs, legs and buns." "I'm a little sweaty." "Tummy-Iegs-butt?" "So the machine overheated." "Is that true?" "Yep!" "That's our Lars!" "God, it was a special offer." "You can't say no to that." "So we ..." "During the game?" "No, at haIf-time." "The game was just too exciting." "It happened very quickly." "I don't believe it." "You're my friend!" "Yeah, sure, but I'm also me!" "And while you, dickhead manager of Port-a-Johns, were screwing my wife ..." " You were at work." "I know." " That's what you think." "I wanted to watch a game in peace without Conny fumbling about." "Lars called." "He'II be late." "He has a meeting." "I was just about to take a bath, but you can wait here if you Iike." " Okay." "And you marched in?" "Yep!" "Anne told me all about her suffering." "How much she misses you around her." "She was crying bitterly, so I just had to hug her." "What?" "I just hugged her." "I thought nothing of it." "My Anne?" " Yep." "Hang on ... my Anne?" "He slept with my wife!" "It happens in open relationships." "That's no reason to take off her bathrobe ..." "So she was naked?" "And why not?" " Why not?" "Because I never specified the open relationship ... in writing." "verbally?" "So now we're even." "It's all grand." "Are you cr...?" "Stop this bullshit." "You'II hurt yourselves!" "Keep out of this!" "Fucky-fucky?" "Stop it, guys!" "Think about the baby, man!" "Forget the baby." "It's Anne's baby." "Not mine." "I'm infertile!" "What?" "You're what?" "Yes, damn it!" "My sperm ..." "They don't move." "They just hang about." ""As lively as sardines in oil," the doctor said." "Add to that a wife who's desperate to be pregnant and who's a doctor ..." "I expected to be exposed any time and that Anne ... would leave me." "Back in October of last year, were they already ..." "like sardines in oil?" "So you knew Anne had cheated on you?" "Yes." "But not with whom." "Hang on a minute!" "It's June now, so ..." "holy shit." "Does that mean I'm the father of your child?" "We can assume so." "Man, EroII, congratulations!" "Oh, man!" "He slept with Conny, I have a brawl, and now I'm having a baby with your wife?" "You don't intend to tell Conny that you knocked up Anne, do you?" " No." "Okay." "Then let's make a deal." "We bury this whole "EroII knocks up Anne" story deep within us." "Why so keen all of a sudden?" "Because ..." "Because I'd still be the baby's father." "Anne doesn't know I'm infertile." "You know, guys ..." "I'd love to be a dad." "until now I saw it as a cuckoo's egg." "I feared I'd hate the baby." "But now I know you're its father ... it feels much more like my own again." "EroII, please ..." "deal?" "deal." " Come here." "Besides, I don't want to hide out in this crappy dungeon anymore." "We've been kidding ourselves." "Crappy dungeon?" "Come on, Lars, it's our men's refuge!" " Sorry, guys, you can count me out." "I'm going to my Anne to ask her forgiveness." "To be honest, being a little bourgeois could be cool." "It's why I moved here!" "Yeah, I've got something to sort out too." "Guys, listen, what's going on?" "Everything's fine!" "EroII ..." "Man!" "Now what happens with our men's refuge?" "Yeah ..." "We're slowly running out of members." "Anne, hi." "It's me." "It can't just be over." "I mean ..." "How long have we known each other?" "How long have we been together?" "The thing we were always very good at was talking." "We just have to ... talk again." "If you Iike," "I'll look after the baby and you go on working." "I'll stay at home." "I'd love that, Anne." "Listen, what do you say" "I go round the back and start digging the sandpit?" "That's what I'll do." "shall I?" "Okay, I'll ..." "I'll just wait here." "Right here." "With Lars, really!" "well, you stopped giving me the feeling you found me sexy." "You used to tell me how you loved sleeping with me." " Not all the time!" "How should I know how often you want it?" "I thought men wanted it all the time." " You did it just for me?" "What's wrong with that?" " The fact that it's not true." "Other men would be glad." "I found this in your jacket." "Now tell me what does this thing have that I don't, apart from hair?" "It's Lars's pussy." " You share a pussy with Lars?" "Yes." "Even yours." "You know what, Conny?" "I think it's high time we split up." "Now listen here, if you split up with me, my lawyer and I will sue you for your last shirt!" "Take my word for it." "I've gotten used to a certain standard of living, and I won't give it up." "Here, my last shirt." "It's yours." "You can have the house too." "But my van ... you won't get that." "I STAND EVERYWHERE PORT-A-JOHN" "Now what?" "What is this?" "Anne?" "Anne, is that you?" "help!" "It's not that funny!" "Aykut!" "Stop!" "Dude!" "Why's your crapper attached to my quad?" "You okay?" "No." "Nothing's okay." "That was it." "I'II send Anne this apology and then I'II delete my account on this swingers' site." "There." "Bye-bye, PimmeIimm." "incredible." "I have to get Anne back somehow." "I Iove her. 1 4 years, that's ..." "It's not nothing." "I've got to try." "Impressive, your openness." " If one of us has always been honest, it's you." "bullshit." "Just because you never told us you got fired?" "That's not what matters." "Then what is?" "We can talk about everything." "Okay, Iet's talk." "My wife alex's name isn't AIexandra." "It's alexander." "I Iove a man." "I'm gay." "The slug collector!" " Yes." "I knew it all along." " really?" "Sure!" "A pilot, the pornstache, a napkin with your dinner ..." "And all this time you acted like...?" "So you don't have our problems!" "It's the same shopping bullshit only with a dick!" "There's one more little detail." "What else?" "I Iike Werder Bremen," "but I Iove Bayern Munich!" "No, you don't!" " That sucks!" "AII this time you act the Werder fan ..." "God, Anne ..." " I need your car." "My car?" "Why?" "It's started." "My waters broke." "So, are you coming?" "Anne!" "I'm so glad." "And if you love me, then say ..." "Okay, I'II take that as a "Lars, you do have the potential to become a decent guy."" "Everything's under control." "Don't panic." " The bag, the bag?" " Bag?" "Breathe, breathe!" "What's this?" " That just leaves that one." "Ah well ..." "I think it sounds like a good start." "Come here, my little janitor." "I'm a facility manager!" "I know." "But alex, that's what I was so afraid of." "I was afraid you'd leave me because I'm not a pilot anymore, because I don't fly anymore, because I don't have a uniform anymore." "I'II think about it." "Now let's smoke a joint, get high and fly off into a pensioners' life." "Now give it a go, EroII." "It's running." " Great." "So, later, right?" " Have a good trip." "Watch yourself." "Look who it is!" "Just wanted to say goodbye." " Goodbye." "Take care of yourself." "I'II leave you three men to it." "Bye, EroII." " Bye." "You know, people never leave completely." "Part of you will always be with us." "You think she knows?" " Nonsense." "She's just sentimental." "The hormones and things, right?" "The hormones." "Okay, hold him." "Go on." "He's heavy!" "Right." "Yeah, right." "Take good care of him." "Or I'II do a paternity test and get him out of here." "AII the best." " Stay in touch." " I will." "Oh, and EroII ..." "You can't stay away for too long." " Why not?" "I've talked to Anne about a second child." "Follow the route, and turn half-right in 400 meters." "You have reached your destination." "An important announcement." "Frau Mannhofen's husband has been missing for four days." "He is disoriented and needs help." "He's wearing a hat and a gray cardigan." "MEN'S REFUGE" "Why did I land a p...?" "Why did I ...?" "Sorry." " He forgets that line?" "Anne!" "Anne, I'm so glad!" "If you love me, say ..." "Oh, shit!" "Sorry." "Wrong turn." "Sorry." "I apologize." "Won't happen again." "We'II just put all these ..." "cool." "Wait, keep it running." "No, no." " Yes!" " Cut!" " How can you be so stupid?" "Fuck!" "Sorry, once more." "Scene 63, take 6." "I've got wind." " I need to take a crap." "Sorry, it was just ..." " I was too ..." "PimmeIimm, right." "Sorry, I have to interrupt." "Some woman's yapping here." ""Your balance is 5 euros." "dial this number to continue your conversation."" "And ... action!" "If we're rolling no one can wipe." "This pause is getting long." " I was thinking ..." "I was looking at the room, remembering ..." "I thought you'd gone blank, the pause was getting long." "I said I'd made a change." "You were on your knees!" "Isn't that enough?" "Are we still running?" " Sure." " Yeah, Iet it run." "Can't keep up the tension." " You'II manage." "I'm here." "Wanted to say goodbye." "Goodbye." " Take care of yourself." "I'II leave you three men to it." "Sorry, but the van's rolling." "I'm scared shitless." " It's rolling!" " I'm scared!" "What is this?" "Marion, what are you doing?" "Oh, shit!"