"Hey!" "There they are!" "How was the carnival?" "Uncle Robert threw up!" "On a ride!" "Oh, Robert." "He was on one of those spinning rides." "He nailed 11 people!" "I had to buy a guy a shirt." "Guess what?" "That was my college on the phone." "They want to give me a degree." "I thought you had a degree." "Yeah, what the hell were we paying for?" "It's another one." "They call it an "honorary doctorate."" "Oh!" "I might throw up again." "Oh my God!" "Raymond, you're a doctor!" "Doctorate, Ma." "They call it a "doctorate of letters."" "That is so great, honey." "Aw..." "Wow, Ray, congratulations!" "We are so happy for you." "How much do they charge for this?" " Nothing." " Yeah, right." "No contribution at all?" "Let me tell you something:" "Education is the biggest scam going." "Dr. Raymond Albert Barone." "Yeah." "Hey, Doctor, I got a mole you should take a look at on my backside." "Well, you must be my 9:30." "Mm-hmm." "So what's your diagnosis?" "I don't know yet." "I might have to put my healing hands on your love-starved body." "Ooh." "Oh, Doctor." "Doctor Ray." "What?" "What?" "No, it's just funny calling you doctor." "It's not that funny." "Dr. Raymond Barone, PhD." "All right, stop it." "Come on, you know how I feel about laughing during sex." "You have to admit, you're not the most professorial kind of guy." "I can be exceedingly professorial." "No, I know." "I was just remembering that time you read the word "stohma-cha-chuh."" "What's your point?" "You read "stohma-cha-chuh."" "And the word really is..." "Stomachache." "I am just teasing you." "Yeah, right." "No, come on." "Kiss me again." "For once, I don't have a "head-ah-cha-chuh."" " All right, forget it." " I'm kidding." "You're just like Robert and my father." "You don't think I deserve this." "No, of course, I think you deserve this." " Even though I'm an idiot." " Yes." "No no, I don't believe that." "You're very smart." "You deserve this." "You're going to do great." "What do you mean "do great"?" "When you give your speech." "You knew you had to give a speech, right?" "Ray, when they give you an honorary diploma, you give a speech." "In front of people?" "Well, it's not a speech otherwise." "It's just a crazy man." "Oh my God." "Honey, you'll do fine." "No, I won't!" "They're going to expect me to be smart in front of smart people and say smart things." "And I'm not smart." "You know it, I know it, we all know it." "Who am I kidding?" "Ray, come out." "No!" "I'm never coming out, so you're free to remarry." " Ray..." " Just... remember I can hear you in here." "Honey, listen." "They want you because you're good at what you do." "They want the students to see someone who loves his work and is a success." "You don't have to sound like a professor." "What they want is Ray Barone." "You give them that, and I promise they will love you." "Yeah?" "Positive." "Ooh, I'm feeling feverish, Doctor." "Oh yes." "Yes, you are." "I think you might have caught something from the rest of the cheerleading squad." "Yes." " Step into my office." " Ooh!" "Oh, wasn't that wonderful?" "It was pretty good, right?" "Yeah." "All the money on that damn college, they can't put a cushion on a folding chair?" "My mole is killing me!" "Robbie, are you sure you got a picture of Raymond shaking the dean's hand?" "I'm sure, Ma." "And pictures of me kissing Raymond?" "We have enough to make wallpaper." "Hey, listen, guys." "Now that we're here, really, tell me, how was my speech?" " Everyone loved it!" " Yeah?" "It really was great, Ray." "So folksy." "You did a good job, honey." "Yeah, you can take your robe off now, Merlin." "By the way, why did you have to mention to everybody that when I was a kid, I couldn't throw a spiral?" "That was to show how I got into critiquing sports." "I liked the part about me cursing at the players on TV." "Yeah, you liked that?" "It's nice to know you have an influence on your kids." "It was the best speech I have ever heard." "You just liked it because you got a big special mention." "Did I?" "I didn't notice." "You should be very proud, Ray." "All right, all right." "Let's celebrate, huh?" "Put out some food." " I'll help you." " Okay." "Ooh yes, that's good thinking, Amy." "So, Ray's big day... you must be so proud of him." "Yeah, I am proud of him." "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "Come on, something's up." "No, really, it's nothing." "You can tell me." "Well, he made a great speech today, right?" "How he worked in all those little stories about everybody in his life?" "Yeah, that was my favorite part." "Did you notice he didn't mention me?" "Of course he did." "No." "No, he mentioned Frank and Robert and thanked Marie at the end and... oh my God, he didn't mention you." "It's fine." "It is." "No, Deb, I'm sure Ray just made some kind of mistake in his speech." "He just forgot." "You should ask him." "No no." "I don't wanna make a big deal about it." "I want him to enjoy his day." "What a beautiful diploma." "Why don't you keep it, Ma?" " What?" " Yeah." " Really?" "Oh no." " Sure." "I can't hang it up here." "It'd be like bragging." "Besides, you deserve it." "Oh, what a boy!" "Okay okay." "Okay." "Okay." "He said okay!" "Can I talk to you for a minute, Ray?" "Huh?" "Debra would kill me for this, because she won't say anything, but I thought you might want to know:" "You didn't mention her in your speech." "What?" "No... yes, I did." "I didn't?" "Oh my God." "You didn't thank your wife." "You screwed the pooch!" "Robert, quiet!" "What did he do?" "He didn't thank Debra." "Amy!" "No." "No no, I did." "I did." "I know I did." "I wrote..." "I wrote..." "I wrote..." "look, I wrote about school." "I wrote about sports, and I..." "Oh no." "You didn't even jot her name down in the margins..." "Amy, what are you doing?" "Helping?" "Let's go back." "Let's go back." "I'll give another speech." "There's probably still people in the cafeteria." "No, it's okay." "Come on." "This isn't about me." "This is your day." "I'm so proud of you." "You should be happy." "I'm gonna go check on the kids." "So should we bury you in that dress?" "Listen..." "Debra, I just want to say..." "No, really, Ray." "It's okay." "You don't have to apologize again." "Yeah, but you're supposed to thank your wife, and... and you are my wife, right?" "Yes, I'm your wife." "And I am a stupid stupid doctor." "No, honey, really." "It really is okay." "I wasn't even going to say anything." "But you did say something." " No, I didn't." " To Amy." "Yes, to Amy, because I thought she wouldn't say anything to you." "And now I have to kill her." "Okay, see?" "It did bother you." "Don't obsess about this." "It was a great day, I'm proud of you, and we don't need to talk about it anymore, okay?" "Okay." "You're right." "It was just a fluke, anyway, right?" " Night." " Night." "You know what it is?" "I know why I did it." "It's because this was an award from college, so I was thinking of all the people that helped me through college at that time." "I didn't even know you then." "Where were all those people the other night when you were hiding in your closet, afraid to give your speech?" "I wasn't hiding." "I was making my special magic." "You couldn't have thanked those people if I hadn't given you the confidence to make your speech." "What confidence?" "I remember you making fun of me and giggling and "stohma-chah-chuh."" "Yes, but then I encouraged you and you were able to get up in front of those people and give a great speech." "You encouraged me, but first, you had to tear me down so you could build me back up again." " What?" " That's right." "That's what you do." "And you are very careful that I do not come out smarter than you." "I never really worry about that." "Okay, all right." "See?" "That's tearing me down, tearing me down." "Maybe that's why something in my head prevented me from thanking you." " Oh my God." " What?" "You did it on purpose?" "No no." "No!" "I said something in my head did it." "Yeah, something like you thinking it." "No no!" "You're not a stupid doctor, you're an evil doctor!" "No, I'm stupid." "I'm a stupid man!" "You know that!" "I can't believe you!" "Debra, it was something I did unconsciously." "Subconsciously." "Unconscious means you're not awake." "You see, I don't know anything!" "I told you, I don't deserve the damn thing." "No, listen, honey." "I don't want you to feel that way." "I know you didn't mean to leave me out." "It's just..." "It bothers you." "Yes, it bothers me, but it bothers me that it bothers me." "I don't need you to say nice things about me in public." "I just..." "I don't know..." "I want you to." "I don't know, I'm sorry." "You're a very good doctor." "I'm sorry." "Good night." "I'm glad you feel better." "Hey, here she is." "Coffee?" "Thank you." "What are you doing?" "Nothing." "Remember the other night?" "Read the paper." " Your column?" " Yes, exactly... my column, read my column." "You think "Players should stop dumping Gatorade on their coaches' heads." "It's wasteful and sticky."" "Unless it's a championship game, then it's okay... little lower." ""I'm often asked by people who want to be sportswriters," "'How did you get started?" "'" "And I understand this question, because of all the plum jobs," "I've got the plummest."" "No, there's more, there's more." "I think I'll finish it when the coffee kicks in." " But it seems really good." " No..." ""And it's a fair question to ask me, because I am, after all, mostly qualified to do something like deliver futons." "So, how did I get here?" "You see, there was this futon-delivery guy, and he met a beautiful woman."" "Oh, now you're listening." ""And even though she was way out of his league, for some unknown reason, she smiled at him." "Eventually, and even more amazingly, she married him." "And it turns out that when one of your dreams comes true, you begin to take the others a little more seriously." "So, even though I'm as amazed as anybody that I have any success at all," "I'm pretty sure it all started with my wife Debra's smile."" "I wrote that." "That is the sweetest thing." "Not too sappy?" "It's way too sappy." "Good morning." "Hey." "Hi, Ma." "Marie." "Frank." "See your son's column this morning?" "Yes, we did." "We thought it was wonderful, didn't we, Frank?" "Then why did you drag me over here?" "I thought it was a marvelous piece, full of gratitude and feelings that were so overwhelming, that it needed to be expressed in writing." "In the newspaper." "Ma, I thanked you at the graduation." "Yes, you made some vague reference to some "mother"" "in front of a few people on a lawn." "What?" "You never mentioned my name." "It was, quite frankly, rather perfunctory." "Oh, come on." "Yet, Debra's magical smile gets all the credit in front of... what's the circulation of the paper?" " Oh, it doesn't matter." " 850,000." "850,000." "What about my smile, Raymond?" "What about my smile?" "And I like it when they dump the Gatorade on the coach's head." "That's funny." "Did you see the paper?" "Yes, she saw." "Hundreds of thousands saw." "Isn't it great?" "Ray, that was so nice." "See, Deb, maybe it wasn't such a big mistake to bring it up." "Thank you, Amy." "Go ahead, Robert." "Uh, Raymond, your success is your success and not my failure." "And so as any good brother should be," "I am happy for you." "Both my sons are whipped!" "However, Raymond, if anybody should get credit for your success, it should be me." " Robert!" " That's right!" "Admit it!" "You owe your success to the pathological desire you've always had to be better than me!" "What?" "That's right." "Remember in school?" "I was the writer on the paper." "Before you even knew how to pick up a pencil," "I had my own column..." ""The View from Up Here."" "You've gotta be kidding me!" "It makes as much sense" " as a fake smile." " What?" "Oh... you don't whiten your teeth?" "All you did was teach him piano." "If it was up to you, Ray'd have a job playing "Love Story" next to a perfume counter." "You all had your chance with Ray and you got him as far as "futon guy."" "Maybe I took him the rest of the way." "That is absurd!" "You can take credit for the boy." "I'll take credit for the man." "You can have credit for the man." "Who the hell would want that?" "I just want credit for the career." "So, you just cast aside the mother." "Let me tell you..." "it didn't start with a smile." "It started with 19 hours of horrible labor." "But before that, there was a smile." "Also horrible." "I want my credit." "I deserve it!" "Did you see the newspaper today?" " Oh, it's a terrible newspaper." " Hey, listen..." "All right, stop it." "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Nothing's ever enough for anybody in this house!" "What do you want?" "You want... okay, here it is." "You ready?" "Everybody?" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you, Robert." "I owe my career to you." "That column you did in grammar school about noogies versus wedgies, that's the reason that I go to work every day." "And, Amy, I don't know what I did before you came into this family to point out my mistakes, but thank you!" "And Dad!" "There's something I always wanted to say to you." "I've never said it before, but I'm gonna say it right now!" "You are the mole on the backside of my success." "Sweet Mama." "Without your pushing," "I would still be in your womb." "And you, wife... without you," "I'd have nothing but "heart-acha-chuh."" "He thanked me first." "He saved me for last." "He said the most meaningful things about me." "Why was he so fruity?"