"I'm not afraid to live a lie, only afraid that I'll stop noticing and just keep going," "afraid it will become routine, a meaningless metabolism that has ceased to horrify me." "I'd rather see my own blood flow, and be silent about it." "How long will you be gone?" "Not long." "Four, five days." "Why is it there's always a war in the places you go?" "Is it warm there?" "I don't know." "I guess so." "You staying here?" "I thought I'd go to Hamburg." "For a job." "Photos of fired shipyard workers." "Verena will take care of the children." "That's not the same." "Why must I always justify myself when I want to work?" "All right, I'll just cancel my trip." "Oh, you'd never do that." "Karl doesn't want to go to kindergarten." "Come on, Else." "We have to go." "Through the upstairs windows we could look across the river and on clear days past the barbed-wire border into the other Germany." "Did you get the job?" "I don't know yet." "They'll phone." "Why don't you look at me?" "Because I'm unpacking." "You weren't alone." " No. " "Maybe you'd be better off if I disappeared." "When are you ever here?" "You're so lifeless." "Are you so lifeless with other people, in other places?" "You're right." "I'm diff erent" "Entirely different." "In what way?" "Be good." "Dear Greta," "My mind's made up." "I won't leave you, but let's live apart." "Maybe we'll be closer to each other then." "We'll talk it over when I get back." "Have a nice trip." "Say hello to Arafat." "I must go to Hamburg tomorrow." "Dear Greta," "Please f orget the nonsense yesterday." "My problems with you are really problems with myself." "All was quiet on arrival." "No shooting, no distant rumbling." "But I feel that everything can explode any minute." "That's partly because of you Greta." "Is peace at home so unbearable just because it is peace?" "And yet we tried to create an atmosphere in which we could be totally open with each other." "Why can't we stop laying traps f or each other?" "From here, from this unfamiliar room, I can speak to you, embrace you, surrender myself very painlessly." "You know Herr Berger, f rom your "independent" newspaper." "What does independent or conservative mean today?" "I pref er hardliners to liberals." "Dear Greta," "Pretty close, eh?" "Finished." "Already?" "But there're still more good photos." "Look." "Look who that is." "It's usually quiet in the daytime." "And all the lif e that seemed to be dead comes obstinately out into the sun." "The sharpshooters are cleaning their guns." "And even the next night's victims have plans." "Laschen!" "I never expected to see you here." "Your colleagues have all gone home, or they're in Cairo." "Glad to see you, Mrs. Nassar." "You the only one left here?" "The ambassador is still here, but he's leaving soon." "I suppose I should ask what the Germans are doing." "But I'm not interested anymore." "I'm gradually f orgetting about Germany." "What about the child?" "Nothing so far." "But I've resigned myself." "Can I help you?" "Can I call Hamburg from here?" "Nothing works at the hotel." "Sure, up f ront." "You'll have to dial." "The switchboard isn't working." "Sometimes you can get through in the morning. 0-0-4-9." "An old man just got shot out there." "Out of the clear blue sky." "I didn't even hear the shot." "He was sitting quietly in the street with combs and buckles spread out on a cloth." "And suddenly he was gone." "Those snipers go for sitting targets." "Never stand still in Beirut." "Aren't you af raid?" "I've never thought less about dying." "I'm never even sick." "Foreign desk, please." "Well, the sun's shining." "Is the boss there?" "Tell him something extraordinary is developing." "The Syrians are turning against the Palestinians." "Don't you understand?" "But some people must understand." "Oh yes, you'll get your realism." "My love to Kai." "Bye." "How about lunch?" "Not today." "Tomorrow?" "Why not come to my place this evening?" "You know the conditions here?" "You have to come bef ore dark and can't leave till morning." "Can I drop you somewhere?" "At the Hamra." "German, aren't you?" "Yes, a journalist." "East or West Germany?" "West." "Welcome to Lebanon." "I studied in Karlsruhe." "Music." "Music?" "!" "What should I write about?" "What is important?" "The unchanging facts or my own f ear?" "The sudden certainty of imminent death or, at the same time, the feeling of being invulnerable?" "We've nothing against the Moslems, only..." "This is the center of Beirut" "Total destruction, as you see." "But we'll rebuild later on." "Better than bef ore." "Our architects have already made the plans." "Anyway, the bazaars were out of date." "You see that smoke?" "It's, that is, it was one of the camps." "It's f or you that we're fighting here." "For you, English, French, Germans, all Europeans." "We're def ending Western civilization." "The sacred principle of freedom." "You're a German, aren't you?" "Then you see what I mean." "I should be everywhere, reporting every incident." "It is my duty to observe." "Not f or the reader." "I don't give a damn about him." "But there's a higher authority." "Stop it." "No more pictures." "Are you hurt?" "No." "It was just kind of complicated getting here." "You're in luck." "The water is running today." "There's the bathroom." "It's a bit big." "It was my husband's." "Can I help you?" "Everything's ready." "Oh, the wine!" "Do you mind my running after you like a puppy?" "I'm glad you're here." "This is Aisha." "My husband's sister." "He willed her to me with the house." "Can I phone?" "You can try." "I lost my photographer." "He's probably okay." "He has more sense than I have." "A very good photographer." "He only sees what he sees." "He leaves the doubting to me." "Won't she eat with us?" "Aisha pref ers the balcony so she can see the fireworks." "I can't imagine a brother of hers as your husband." "The Arab!" "He was a dear." "He did everything f or me." "We were very happy." "He had a mistress once." "He owed it to himself as an Arab." "Quite official; he knew that I knew." "He was very suspicious of me, though." "Very careful." "He owed that to himself too." "What's the use?" "All that's left of him is Aisha." "And my wish f or a child." "Why do you want a child now?" "Maybe to keep f rom being alone." "Anyway there's a child waiting f or me." "I know it." "But nobody thinks I'm a proper mother." "The Maronites refuse me because my marriage was mixed." "For the Moslems I'm a non-believer." "How about the children in the camps?" "In the camps?" "There are no orphans there." "The Palestinians will never give up a child." "A child is a future fighter." "I'm working on some nuns, though." "I'll bring them around." "I hope it doesn't get closer." "I had to put in a dozen window panes last month." "I'm really fine." "It went down the wrong way." "They're all going down in the cellar." "Should we?" "I don't know?" "Let's stay here." "The coff ee's ready." "Not so high." "It's white coff ee made of orange blossoms." "Very sweet and sticky." "Not here." "Be sure to speak to him in French." "As if you were speaking to a Frenchman." "They claim to be Phoenicians, but of course they're Arabs." "But please, we're expected." "Please, gentlemen." "We have an appointment." "His Excellency is expecting us." "It's an old family." "They've ruled here f or five hundred years." "Magnificent people." "Joseph is the oldest son and heir." "That's his father over there." "Every day he receives notables f rom the region." "We bid you welcome." "Bonjour." "Pleased to meet you." "Bonjour." "I'm sorry, but as you see, my father is very busy." "Every subject gets his personal attention." "Here in the mountains, we Christians are one big family." "It's beautiful." "We say there are two paradises." "One in heaven, the other here, in Lebanon." "To my German f riend!" "How do you f eel about a few families ruling this country?" "That is a very superficial view." "It is not like that." "We are one big family, and there is no higher order above us." "Besides, we must live up to our history." "And all this is our history." "This country is young, but its tradition is old." "And we are its guardians." "So then, it's a war of religion?" "Certainly not." "All Moslems are brothers." "We only want to get rid of the Palestinians and the Communists." ""Get rid" means bloodshed." "Yes, but we are Christians." "I myself am very sensitive to suff ering." "I have to f orce myself to be violent." "Didn't Christ himself say:" ""I bring not peace but a sword?"" "Is that why you attacked a crowded bus and killed all twenty passengers?" "How can you say such things?" "!" "Their propaganda is often more eff ective than ours." "We lost our best men bef ore we even f ought back." "Isn't it madness to destroy this country with civil war?" "You must not misinterpret everything!" "We are fighting to end the war." "But the fighting isn't here." "It's in Beirut far f rom here." "Mr. Laschen, please come here." "Look at that cedar and you will read my heart." "We are not cold-blooded murderers." "But we won't be the sacrificial lambs of history." "It's my eldest son's birthday." "He's incredible f or his age." "Frankly, I'm disappointed." "Disappointed?" "Why?" "I can't possibly get a story out of what he says." "But he's such a shrewd tactician." "What will it be, Monsieur?" "Allow me to present my Wif e." "These are some German Journalists." "Let me introduce Monsieur Rudnik a f riend of the family." "Ah, I think we've met." "We're both at the Grand Hotel." "We've seen each other." "This should be in your collection." "One of the finest collections in the Middle East." "You traffic in arms?" "Oh no, I wouldn't say traffic." "No, not traffic, Monsieur." "Like to try it?" "No, thanks." "It's very simple, Monsieur." "Yes, too simple." "You must be a pacifist." "Where do you get your arms, Monsieur?" "Well, we buy them." "We're not an oil country, so everyone buys his own weapon." "No help f rom abroad?" "Oh, very little." "But your country, yes." "You can write that." "You can say I've many f riends there and that we'll cut off Arafat's prick." "You can write that." "But you won't." "You're for the Palestinians." "Perhaps." "Because they're weaker." "No, no!" "They are not weaker." "We will not share this country with foreigners and Communists." "But you're a German." "You must understand that!" "Going to Beirut?" "Yes." "Room f or me?" "A f riend of mine runs this bar." "A Polish girl." "Could be a good base f or you." "What'll you have?" "Arak?" "Two araks." "And orange juice f or me." "Stopped drinking and smoking." "Used to smoke two, three packs a day." "Stopped here." "Fear." "But now I've forgotten all about it." "Actually, I've never been so calm." "The shooting at night soothes me." "You f rom Hamburg?" "Yes." "First time in the Middle East?" "No, no." "Later." "You f rom Hamburg?" "You should bring in porn movies." "You can trade them f or anything." "Good." "Here." "The work of an amateur photographer." "Works exclusively for me." "They were taken at Karantina yesterday." "You'll see why I couldn't show them up there." "The first time I saw these pictures" "I almost fainted." "But then if you want to be realistic you have to look things in the face." "Especially in your business." "He's got her by the hair." "Dragging her away." "No need to say what's coming next." "When you know that f or a young Moslem woman, rape is worse than death or torture." "How much you asking?" "Three thousand." "Don't hesitate." "These things will thrill the f olks back home." "Dirty pictures to look at in clean places." "People need that to appreciate their own lives." "Three thousand?" "How much?" "Monsieur off ers three thousand." "Three and a half." "Four." "Four and a half." "Five." "I am off ered five thousand." "Want me to divide them?" "Exclusive rights?" "Yes, f or Scandinavia." "No, no, no." "You're taking my best piece." "Nothing doing." "Then six f or the lot." "Six." "Going, going gone!" "For once the mark has been def eated." "Check, please." "No, no." "Unless it goes on your expense account." "It does." "All right then." "No, no name." "I exaggerate the events so the f olks in Hamburg won't get bored with the war." "Don't you ever take notes?" "No." "What f or?" "Do you know what he said?" "Look at our cedars and you'll read our hearts." "Only a meek man can be so bloodthirsty." "He's a reptile out f or destruction." "He needs to be around death in order to f eel alive." "He enjoys destruction, and at the same time serves the interest of the great families." "No." "We want to know who's good and who's bad." "I never write what I think." "Gentlemen, go to the bar if you wish to talk." "Good idea, Herr Berger." "What a fat, depraved, little sophist I am!" "All I do is entertain." "I stick to the facts, but it's still mere entertainment." "I'm right about the feudal families." "But being right just makes it worse because I don't fight it." "Deaths by the thousands." "The mathematics of horror." "My horror is the horror of a German gentleman." "An old dream is vanishing with Beirut." "The dream of the Orient." "The Orient has ceased to exist." "Actually, it never existed." "It was only a Western dream." "I've lived everywhere, I've known Indochina, Af rica." "But the Arabs hold the biggest place in my heart." "As f riends." "Especially the women." "By revealing pleasure, they cured me of my adolescence." "You see, it's been a long time." "Aren't these glorious days?" "I don't even have to go to the office." "Because there's a war, and it's winter we're doing well." "Will you come to Baabda with me?" "Maybe the child is waiting f or me." "I'll come." "Great to have you here." "When are you leaving?" "Why?" "I don't know." "It suddenly occurred to me." "I never think of the future." "Why not stay here and turn Arab like me?" "I should interview Arafat today." "Maybe I should stop writing and just babble." "Or join one of those brigades and fight." "Join in the butchery." "In Spain it was still possible, but here..." "Suppose I go to see Arafat and say, "Mr. Arafat"" ""I'm in love with Ariane," and he answers with a quote f rom Lenin." "Oh, you and your problems!" "He says he got a bullet in the back." "It didn't hurt, but now he can't move his legs." "You know the reason we wouldn't give you a child when your husband was alive." "Nothing's changed." "We don't recognize mixed marriages." "Still, I think I have something f or you." "These are our smallest ones, saved f rom the bombed-out areas." "Between two and five months old." "All beautiful, all of Catholic parents." "You would have loved any of them." "But I'm sorry, it's impossible." "But I can give you this one." "He was left at the door of the convent." "But I'm sure he's not from around here." "Go and look at him." "One of God's creatures." "Just sign and he's yours." "This is the one." "Lf, later, you change your mind you absolutely cannot exchange or return him." "But he has been baptized?" "Yes, we have done everything necessary." "He has been baptized." "Then he's not a heathen." "How much were you thinking of?" "Whatever you choose to give." "The convent really needs help." "A thousand?" "Two thousand?" "Two thousand seems a lot." "Not to me." "A very inexpensive child." "You ought to ask for more." "But, Madame, this is not a bazaar." "Do you know what you'll name him?" "I don't know." "Definitely nothing German." "Now we'll go see a doctor f riend of mine." "Write:" "They're massacring our women and children." "You can see that it's not propaganda." "The thin hair." "The skull f ormation." "How old is he?" "A year." "His reactions aren't right f or that age." "My advice is to take him back bef ore you get used to him." "He may not develop normally." "Possible brain damage from undernourishment." "What's wrong?" "Anyway, think it over, Ariane." "He is already my child." "Feel f ree to come here any time." "Let's go." "Come on." "You need me." "What did he want to know?" "He asked if it was my child." "Thank you, George." "Can I ask you one favor?" "I'd like to be alone with him f or a f ew days." "But we'll see each other soon." "I didn't know you bef ore, and now you're my child." "When will I see you?" "Whenever you want to." "You know it's all over at Karantina." "The Phalangists stormed it." "No more camp." "Never mind the details." "The wall of the slaughterhouse." "Sadly symbolic." "Dreadful that Christians can do such things." "I'll report it." "No punches pulled." "Their Christian faith is just a veneer." "They behave abominably, but they're closer to us than the Fatah." "The Phalangists will definitely win." "They're efficient." "And what's wrong with efficiency?" "What I can't write:" "This whole war business." "The many epidemics." "The many personal vendettas, the f ear and euphoric hate combining to inflame the people, people sick of brotherly love, who want to purge their God of all competing gods, who want to rid the earth and air of themselves." "East or West?" "West." "Do you speak German?" "How come?" "I was in Germany." "Where?" "Berlin." "And what are you doing here?" "Well, I'm a journalist." "I, er..." "I observe." "Forgive me f or coming back." "Why don't you take me seriously?" "I told you I wanted to be alone f or a f ew days." "Can I see the child?" "Look how nicely it's healed." "I'm so happy." "He recognizes me and laughs." "Like some coff ee?" "No, thanks." "Tell me f rankly if you don't want to see me again." "What makes you think that?" "I just don't understand what you want of me." "Your job brings you here f or a f ew days." "My lif e is more than a f ew days." "You see," "I have another f riend." "I like him as much as you." "And he's not going away." "She's making a recumbent figure eight with her navel." "The symbol of infinity." "Your f riend seems pleased with his take." "Good thing f or you too, I hope." "300 or 400 dead, I hear." "That's news!" "Better be quick." "Nothing's as stale as yesterday's newspaper." "Even in our work, one seldom sees such horrors." "Dreadful, especially f or someone like you." "But write the whole story." "Don't gloss it over." "Let's hope the border is still open." "Total destruction." "The Palestinians have shown their true face." "All right, let's talk about them." "Let's talk about the Palestinians." "The Arabs have nothing to do with Hitler's crimes." "The Nazi victims should receive reparations." "But why in Palestine?" "Why not in Hanover?" "Your lady f riend." "You see, I notice everything." "You should persuade her to leave, too." "Good-bye, Herr Berger." "Good luck." "You didn't leave, Monsieur Laschen?" "Dear Greta." "Let's separate." "I suggest it lovingly." "What's to become of the children if we keep living a lie?" "Better to show them that a situation can be ended bef ore it becomes a habit, bef ore it becomes an immoral habit." "My mind is made up." "I won't leave you, but let's live apart." "Maybe we'll be closer to each other than now." "We'll talk it over when I get back." "I make no conditions." "All my love..." "Is there any way of sending a letter?" "Sorry, nothing is going out." "Laschen, you're an idiot." "Arabs!" "Lust f or death!" "The whore!" "The whore!" "What is it?" " 408 " "Ah, it's you, Monsieur." "I've stopped caring about many things." "That's why I can write in a light and detached manner." "I want to work hard, but I don't know how." "Maybe I'm just sick." "There's no reason to leave here." "Only the satisfaction of becoming involved, and the joy of ceasing to be merely indignant at man's wickedness." "And finally belonging, having taken a desperate interest in someone else's death." "Any f oreign news?" "Laschen has just arrived." "He and Hoffmann have pulled off something amazing, something we can sell worldwide." "A massacre." "The only witnesses." "From start to finish." "The executions, everything." "Front page stuff." "The pictures are marvelous." "Where was it?" "Damur, a city south of Beirut." "Oh yes, Damur, I remember some news dispatch." "But that was at least a week ago." "How come you're so late?" "The Beirut airport is closed." "We're glad Laschen made it." "Can I see the pictures?" "Beirut!" "Beirut!" "Gives me a pain!" "This isn't just another story about Lebanon." "It's something special." "Laschen, what do you think?" "How many pages?" " Twenty." "Say 24." "What do you think?" "It's stale news." "All I see are a lot of nonpolitical corpses." "Ethiopia, now..." "Laschen." "How many do we need?" "One." "Three and a half." "Thirteen." "Sorry." "Have fun." "Hey, don't be an ass." "Thirty-six." "Ninety-eight, huh?" "Going to write poetry?"