"Keep it real." "Wagwan, everyting ire?" "War." "Huh!" "What is it good for?" "Well for a start, it sorts out who is the strongest out of the two countries." "Also you get to see some amazing h'explosions." "But there is some people out there who not only don't enjoy the war, but they try to spoil the fun for everyone else." "And those chickens is called the UN." "Me went to New York to meet these player-haters." "To h'appreciate the political h'implications of this next piece, me should point out that the word 'bell end' means the end of a man's beast." "I is here, standing outside the United Nations of Benetton, which is where representatives from the three corners of the world come to end wars, international drug trafficking and everything else that is a bit of a laugh." "Boyakasha." "I is here with the geezer who was the Secretary General of the United Nations." "His name be none other than my man" "Boutros Boutros Boutros Ghali, and him will explain about the United Nations, innit." "How many countries is in the UN?" "If I'm not wrong, according to the last statistics, they must have more than one hundred and eighty countries." "Is Disneyland a member of the UN?" " No, because Disneyland is not an independent State." "Do you think in a hundred years time," "Disneyland or Disneyworld could 'ave a seat?" " No." "Disneyland is not doing politics." "Disneyland is doing..." "Well..." "Some of them is." "Some of them characters." "It is for the young, for the young children." "How many languages is spoken at the UN?" "You have practically what we call the five languages." "But which is the funniest language?" "It's French, innit?" "Not necessarily, maybe Arabic is more funny." " Oh yeah." "It depends to whom." " To you, what was the one that, when the delegate went up and started speaking, you was like this and said:" "I have to go to the phone." "No no, I am not allowed to do this, I am the Secretary-General." "Yeah, but there must have been one where they've gone up there,..." " No no no,..." " And you've just gone, 'Hey...'" "I have to have, I have to have ...a poker face, like this." "Do you speak French?" " Yes." "How do you say 'shit' in French?" " Chic?" "Shit, shit." "Aye, crap, rubbish." " Ah, oh." "De la merde." "How do you spell that?" " M E R D E" "M A..." " R D E" "Thanks for that." "Me want to say big up yourself," "Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Ghali, respect." "Here we are in the Security Council Chamber." " Wicked." "of the United Nations." "This room was donated by the Government of Norway." "Alright, safe, safe." "So what happens here?" "Here 15 countries, that come from different regions of the world, discuss about world peace and security." " Safe, respect." "Here is the place where 174 countries that are not members of the Security Council, sit and listen...." "They can only listen." "What's that, Jordan?" "Ain't it stupid letting one sportsman have his own seat, no matter how, you know, powerful he is?" "Well, that is not Michael Jordan, if you're referring to the gentleman." "That is the State of Jordan in the Middle East." "That is what you is telling the cameras, but ain't we all equal, ain't it ridiculous letting one person have the same power as a whole country?" "Well, again it's not the person that is sitting there, it's the Government of the State of Jordan, from the Middle East." "Is it named after Michael Jordan?" " It is not named after Michael Jordan." "Does this country really exist?" " Yes it does." "What's this?" " Guinea." "It's a country in Africa." "The Republic of Guinea." "That is a name." "Is that a real country?" " Yes, it is a real country, in Africa." "It's quite a large country as well." "With full respect, why do you give crap countries a vote?" "Well, that's your opinion of Guinea, that is definitely not shared in this organisation." "I was looking around, where is Africa represented?" "Don't see it nowhere." " Okay, well Guinea." " Where?" "Where's Africa?" "This is a country in Africa represented." " So you claim." "This is a earphone used by all of these people that sit here to listen to the meetings in six different languages." "Ain't it dangerous though having translatorers." "Why do you think that, what do you say that?" "Cause let's say that the translatorer is a double agent or something like that, he can say dodgy stuff like, apparently the Vietnams war was started because of Saddam Husseins translatorer he was going to send an email" "to the President of Thailand and to just ask him for a cup of tea but the translatorer put in something that turned to out like," ""your mum is a ho and I has boned her"." "And the Thai person got well eggy and then dat's what happened, that's how the Vietnams war started, innit." "Well, I am not sure that your recount of the story is correct, it might very well be but as far as I..." " Well, that is the word on the street." "How does you choose who sits next to who?" "It goes in English alphabetical order, from A to Z." "Can you swap if the person next to you is really annoying you?" "Can you swap?" "No I don't think you can, no." "Yes, that is no." "What happens, does you ever separate people if they is mucking around?" "Like if they is chucking stuff at the President Kofi?" "Well no, that has never happened, as far as I know, so that has not been a necessity, no." "What's going to be happening here?" " At three o'clock there is a meeting taking place here." "In like ten minutes?" " Ten minutes, yes." "A meeting taking place here to discuss the situation in Iraq." "Can we be in the meeting?" " No you can't." "We can't because..." "What about just me?" " Nobody can." "No public is allowed here, for security reasons." "And where does the boss man sit?" "The Secretary-General sits right here." "He sit 'ere?" " Yes." " Wicked." "Can we sit here?" " Definitely." "Yo, so I could be like here going 'yo, check this out," "I be the Secretary General." "Check this out my peoples.'" "You could do that." " Yo." "I's saying that I's just written that Saddam Hussein is a bell end." "Yo, so diggedy check yourself before you wreck yourself, because I is 'ere with four people who is all four about something called religion." "How powerful is God?" " I think there is a power." "I think most people, at one point or another, experience that power." "They draw upon something that seems larger than themselves." "Can God do better stuff than David Blaines?" "You're asking God to make square circles, which aren't possible." "God can't do impossible things, that's not a limitation on God." "There have always been magicians and there always will be and some of them claim to be really producing magic." "So ain't God just like an over-hyped David Blaines?" "No, and a lot of people would find that suggestion very offensive." "Yo, sorry." "If God has got all these amazing powers, why don't he flex it every day?" "Like if you has got it, flaunt it." "Like me mate Dave, he's got a nine-incher he gets it out all the time." "God should be showing his powers." "Let's talk about this man, the main man, the McDaddy of the Christian thing." "What was his name again?" " Jesus Christ." "Yo, that's the one geezer with the tash and the sandals and everything." "That's the way he's portrayed in contemporary art, yes." "What day is he meant to have been born on?" "We celebrate his birth on the 25th December." "Ain't that a coincidence that he was born on Christmas Day?" " No." "Why did Jesus go round with all them reindeers?" "I'm not sure I've seen the same images you've seen." "I think you're confusing him with Santa Claus." "So does Jesus really exist?" "Or is it just your father dressed up?" "Yes, Jesus exists as the second person of what we believe to be the triume God." "Is it true that he was born in a stable?" " It's possible he was born in those kind of simple circumstances." "No room in the inn and that sort of thing." "There was no room in the,..." " Yeah." " That's 'cause it was Christmas, innit." "Let's talk about some rituals." "Why does you lot chop one of your nuts off?" "Well, you're a little bit off-target, it's the foreskin." "But why did you agree to do that?" "Like me Julie once asked me to shave me goolies, but me said, you know, that me never would, 'cause of the second-day stubble." " I would ask the same..." "No, it's done when we're eight days old, so the fact is, it's before you get a chance to..." "Let's talk about marriage." "Would you ever marry someone who weren't the Jewish?" "I wouldn't." "And the reason I wouldn't is because the family that I want to create is a family that's going to have Jewish values in it." "What if she was really really fit though?" "It doesn't matter." "That's not the most important thing in life to me." "What about if Foxy Brown came in here now and said, 'yo, me want to marry you?" "'" "The answer is, if she's not Jewish, or not willing to convert to Judaism, she's got her traditions, she's got her way of doing things, she should live her own life and build her own family." "Would you ever marry a Jewish girl?" " I've chosen not to marry." "I've chosen..." "What, just to play around?" " A celibate life." "So how many months has you been celibate?" " Fifty two years, next summer." "So you ain't done it for fifty..." " That's right." "That's right." "And I can tell you, there's more to life than sex." "Would you, as a gesture, of bringing us together, marry her?" "There are other ways of bringing us together than marriage." "What if she was a bit fitter?" "Would you consider marrying her then?" "I am considering marriage not at all." "But people out there, they see people who is meant to be religious behaving in an unreligious way." "Ain't it hypocriticalist that so many nuns also work parttime as strippers?" "Well, I don't think you can demonstrate that statistically." "Yo..." " That's an absurd statement that you've just made." "No it ain't." "I has been at my mate Ricky C's twenty first, and there was this nun that came in and like..." "Well, this..." " And like ten minutes later, she had her babylons out and was whipping shaving cream off his batty." "You just said, 'so many nuns work as strippers,' and now you're saying 'this one.' She could have been..." "She said her name was Sister Fister." " But she..." "It's a part of her act, it was not really who she was." "I would really prefer that you move off this topic, because I find it offensive." "It's not documented by any kind of evidence." "We has got a video." " It's hearsay." "It's hearsay." " I has got a video of it." "Yo, so me just want to say big up all yourselves." "Respect." "This has been well interesting." "It's been deep, it's been everything." "There has been times when it's been boring." "But that's life innit?" " Yes." "And that's deep." "Keep it real, and you lot out there, listen-up to what has been said and think about it for yourself." "Hello..." "Dzienkuje." "I come here to learn etiquette in deep south with Helen, who professor of etiquette." "Yes sir." " Hello." "Hello." "Should you be polite to all?" " Yes." "Should you be polite to prostitute?" "Well yes, because, you know, that's what they do." " Yes" "How much is polite to tip them?" "To tip?" " Yes." "Usually, it's ten percent." " Yes And in some places and..." " For hand-relief." "... in some places it's twenty percent." "It varies." " For, with vagine." " Yes, but it is always proper to tip." "Will you teach me please how to be, have manners?" "Yes sir, I will." " Thank you." " You're welcome." "Thank you." " You're welcome." "Thank you." " You're welcome." "Thank you." "Now we sit on a table." " Right." "Look at you!" "You sit with such nice posture, I am really impressed." "Thank you..." " See." " Helen." " I told you you would do it." "You say how to talk to people with different personalities?" "Right, we also have a dull person." " Like my wife." "Well what you need to do is think..." " She is boring!" "...is think about things to help her not be boring." "It is like doing it with my sister." "Well, I'm not, we're not talking about that, we're talking about is she boring just sitting and having dinner with?" " Yes." "Then you need to think of things that you can talk about." "Maybe she's boring because you haven't done enough with her." "I do everything, I try, in the kitchen I do it, every way." "We try, we look at the DVD, we try to make it ourself." "Ladies and gentlemen..." "This is Elsa McDowell, this is Borat." "Hello." " How nice to see you." "How do you do?" " Simms McDowell." "Dzienkuje." "Hello, I'm George Thurmand." " Hello, Borat Sagdiyev." "How you say..." " A nice evening." "To a nice evening." " To a nice evening." "I had a drop left." "Is good!" "Is good." "I like." "So Helen, please, you tell me what you can talk about at dinner." "Okay, what you want to think about is pleasant things." "My wife is dead." " Oh, I'm sorry." "She die in the field." " Oh dear." "It's no problem, I have a new wife." "Was it fighting?" "Do you mean in the field fighting?" "No, a accident." " Oh." "But I have a new wife." "She nice." " I bet she is." "I like her." " I bet she likes you too." " More than the one who died!" "Yes." "Can I talk about what I did last night?" "Well, it depends on what you did last night." "Is it something personal that maybe makes someone feel embarrassed or uncomfortable?" " No." "Last night I had sex." "I beg your pardon?" " Last night." "I had, em...with a woman from Gambia, I do um..." " Oh." "In America we don't discuss that." "But she was nice." "High five." "She was..." " You're in trouble George." "Can I talk about my hobbies?" "Sure, it's a wonderful thing to talk about." "Again, that's getting to know a person." "Do you like a porno?" " No." "This is such an interesting conversation." "But why, in Kazakhstan now..." "after communism we have a lot of porno." "I like it, I like it." "I like a shaven pussy." "Should I talk about my family?" "Sure." "I would share good things about your family." "My sister, she's a, a prostitute." "That's sad." " What?" "Why is she a prostitute?" " She like to make money." "High five!" "Hmm." "She like to come to US and A, she can stay with you?" "We'd have to see." " Yes." "She is good." "I know the answer to that." " I know she is good." "What if I make a smell?" "Should I say is me?" "No, you don't make it obvious, but if you feel like that maybe people are looking at you like, you just say:" "'Oh excuse me, I'm sorry'." "There is a smell." " Like dirt." "It smell like shit." " Yes." "It does." "Er, we say a putt." "When you do a putt, when you squeeze it, a bad, a bad smell from the hole, hole, you do a putt." " That's right." "There also are wonderful flowers that have a..." " I can do a big putt." "You want I try?" " I've got it." "They have a great..." " You want I try to do a big putt?" "No." " No." " No." "I can do." " I know you can... who can not?" "Do you want I do?" " It might be that, no." "I have..." " Can you make yourself do it?" "I have one." " Uh uh." "I have one, you want?" " No." "No." "Borat, don't do it." "It is coming." " Um..." " And we're waiting." " No we're not." "Do you want?" " No." "You want, I can do." "Put your hand close." " No!" " No." "We stand and say goodbye?" " We stand and say goodbye." "Dzienkuje." " Dzienkuje." "Okay." "You are, you fat." "He is fat." " I am fat, big fat, that's why I..." "You are tiny." "He will squash you, when you do sex!" "Boyakasha." "Diggidy check dis out, because I is here with none other than my main man, General Brent Scowcroft." "Him was the National Security Adviser to George Bush, who was the President of America." "And also to some geezer called Ford." "When you was involved in the Vietnam war, did you ever think of changing sides?" "No." "Never thought about changing sides." "Would you have switched sides if them would have offered you like a thousand dollars more a week?" " No." "No, a week." "A week." "Not like a year, a week." "No amount of money." "Would you push your mother off a cliff for a thousand dollars a week?" "...No." "What about if they offered you like top of the range Lexus, a new one, twenty inch rims and like a massive necklace made out of bling bling with your name done out of diamonds on it?" "Bling, General Scowcroft, massive, bigger than diddies?" "It wouldn't matter, because I would not, I would no longer be me if I did that." "Is fighting the most harmful thing you can do to the other side?" "Ain't the most harmful thing you can do, is to call them nasty names?" "Not really, not for countries." "Let's imagine we was back all those years ago, when you was fighting Russia." "If the President had gone over to the Head of Russia and said: 'yo, Boris', or whatever, 'stop being such a eerrgh.'" "He would have felt this small and 'cause everyone would have been laughing at him, he would have gone away, end of the war." "Well, as a matter of fact, we did that." "Did you go 'Eerrgh?" "'" " Well, not 'errgh.'" "But what?" " Well, you don't do that in diplomatic circles." "But did you do a kind of spaz kind of impression?" " Er, no." "When should a nation nuke another one?" "That's a very good question." "That's a very good question." " Thanks a lot." "I would say only if its very vital interests are involved." "Do you think America should nuke Canada?" " No." "Why not?" " Well, because, first of all we don't have any real significant problems with Canada." "But if you nuked Canada the amazing thing would be the element of surprise." "Them would never h'expect it, and then you could take all their, h'everything they got there." "Mooses and all that." " We don't want what they have." "Well, they must have something good up there." "Oh, they have a lot of things good, they have a lot of gold, they have a lot of oil." " And those cow things with the horns." "Moose." " Aye." "Of course, but we don't need that." "If you is an officer, what is the bestestest tactic in battle?" "To win." "Oh, what...?" " The best..." "What does that mean?" "The best, the best tactic you can do is to manoeuvre so that you surprise the enemy." "So is the bestest tactic surprise?" " Sure it is." "'Cause that makes me think of 'Uhh!" "'" " Yes." "Did that surprise you?" " Yes." "That did, didn't it?" "When you surprise somebody, you have the advantage, because you know what you're doing." "And he doesn't, he's not prepared." "That's, that's true, because I was thinking that, 'Ah!" "'" "Yeah." " Yo." "Exactly." "And..." " Did that...?" "And most of our great generals in history have figured out how to surprise the enemy, do something they don't anticipate." "No." "I understand what you is saying because,'Ah!" "'." " Exactly." "I was trying to, does you understand, I was trying to surprise you?" "No, and that's exactly, it's exactly that concept." "'as the US got loads of famous soldiers?" " Oh quite a few." "Has you met General Schwa..." " Yes." "Schwarz...?" " Schwarzkopf." " Yo." " Yes, I have met him." "Has you ever met General Motors?" "General Motors isn't, is a company, builds cars." "But it was started by a soldier, innit?" " No." "No." "Uh uh." "Is the army worried about the threat of chemical and biological weapons?" "Sure." "Sure." "Did they ever catch the people that sent Tampax through the post?" "Er, no they did not." "It wasn't Tampax, it was anthrax." "Oh right, I think they is different brand names." "Like we say pavement, you say sidewalk, whatever." "There is different words for the..." "Well, well it may be, but anthrax is the germ." "Tampax is something very different." "Me just want to say big up yourself, General Scowcroft." "You has helped us out here and you know, the interesting 'Uhh!" "'" "The surprise,..." " Ah yeah." "The surprise thing." " Surprise." "Yo, the surprise thing." " You got it." "But me just want to say, all you lot out there, listen to the words of my man, the General." "And I ain't shitting you, he really is a General, Scowcroft here." "'Cause him has said 'nough important things about war and thing." "You'd better listen up." "Don't get mashed up." "Keep it real." "Me know you probably can't tell me this because it is classified but what do the letters CIA actually stand for?" "That's easy, Central Intelligence Agency." "Is that your real face?" " Yes, I've had it for a long time." "Let's talk out some conspiracy things, let's go back to the grassy knoll." "Who actually shot J.R.?" " JFK" "I am Boutros Boutros Ghali." "Put down your gun and listen to..." "Bob Marley." " Bob Marley."