"( theme song playing )" "That you, Kinch?" "It ain't Ludwig Krausmyer." "Who's he?" "How should I know?" "I never heard of him." "Hey, what's all the fuss?" "You know I look terrible in the morning if I don't get my rest." "Just got an urgent message from London." "What's it about?" "I don't know." "It's in the new code." "Colonel Hogan will have to break it down." "Sounds important." "Colonel." "Colonel." "Urgent message from headquarters." "Don't those guys in London ever sleep?" "It's in the new code." "All right." ""Top priority assignment of utmost importance." "You take immediate steps..."" "SCHULTZ:" "Achtung!" ""So in personal hygiene, the proper care of the nails," ""cannot be too strongly emphasized." ""The fingernails should be filed" ""to form a parallel surface" ""with the balls of the fingers." "The cuticles should be..."" "Oh, hi, Colonel." "Nice of you to drop in." "I was just reading to the men on personal hygiene... more specifically, care of the nails." "At 2:00 in the morning?" "Cleanliness and daintiness are not clock watchers." "You know the rules!" "Lights out at 9:00 sharp with everybody in bed!" "But everybody!" "Schultz, leave the rules to me, huh?" "Jawohl, Commandant." "Well, what are you waiting for?" "Everybody to bed!" "But everybody!" "Hogan!" "There is something fishy going on here." "I would like to know what you and your men are doing up at this hour of the night." "It's no use trying to fool you." "Now you're getting smart." "If you must know, we were planning an escape." "Uh-huh!" "Uh-huh!" "How were you planning to do it?" "Must I tell?" "That's an order." "Well, we noticed that every morning, the dogs are taken out of camp and allowed to run for exercise." "Take some notes, Schultz." "Go on." "Well, we were planning on disguising ourselves as dogs." "And while digging for bones, we'd break for the woods." "With all those trees, no one would think it unusual." "Ooh." "That's very clever." "Very clever!" "Oh, shut up, Schultz." "That's an order." "I don't know what you're up to, but whatever it is, forget it." "Mm-hmm." "Just to make sure that you won't give any more lectures tonight." "Good night, Commandant!" "Night, Shultzie." "Schultz?" "Yeah?" "Oh, thank you." "They got the book." "How we going to get it back?" "It's sticky." "If I make too much of a fuss," "Klink's going to get suspicious." "Meanwhile, there's something urgent we're supposed to do right away and we haven't got the foggiest idea what it is." "Why don't we radio headquarters and ask them to repeat the message in the old code?" "We destroyed it." "Besides, I wouldn't want them to know how careless we are with books." "They might take away our library card." "General Burkhalter to see Colonel Klink." "( snoring lightly )" "Ps-s-s-s-st!" "Schultz, that isn't the way to wake a sleeping prince." "Oh, General Burkhalter." "What a pleasure." "I was so deep in thought I didn't realize..." "Klink!" "This is Colonel Sitzer." "It's a pleasure." "And to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?" "Not that there needs to be any reason..." "I am with the ministry of propaganda." "Oh, that's a wonderful branch of the service." "Oh, what a job you people are doing." "I've always said you people are doing more to end this war than anyone else." "Colonel Klink, we've been looking at your records very carefully." "I can explain that." "That's not my fault." "Although technically I was in charge of all the money at the officer's club," "Lieutenant Klein also had a key..." "Klink!" "Colonel Sitzer is talking about your perfect record in the camp." "He is?" "Yes." "What are you talking about?" "Was I talking about something?" "I don't remember what it was." "We believe that what you have done deserves public recognition." "I was only doing my duty." "Naturally, I'm flattered, and I hope that others will be inspired by my example." "We are not doing it for you, Klink." "It is for the propaganda value." "You will be presented with an award and a national radio hookup." "An award?" "For me?" "Let me say, sir." "I accept it with the deepest of humility." "We want you to keep it a secret until the presentation." "That way we will get the full impact on public opinion." "Oh, you have nothing to worry about, sir." "My lips are sealed." "I won't say a word." "A secret is sacred to me." "Wild horses and torture could not drag one syllable out of me." "If there's one thing I'm not, it's a talker." "I must admit if there is anything more outstanding than your humility, it's your golden silence." "Thank you, General Burkhalter." "I think we'd better be getting back to town." "I'll have the car brought around, right away." "Oh, sir, I was wondering..." "You will receive the award in about a week." "In the meantime, remember it's a secret." "You can depend on me." "Absolute silence." "A sphinx." "They won't get a word out of me." "The car, Klink." "Oh, the car, sir." "Yes, the car." "Right away, the car." "Pardon me, the car." "Are you sure no prisoner has ever escaped from him?" "Don't look at me." "I don't understand it either." "Return from scout mission, sir." "You see where the code book was?" "Nothing escapes these eagle eyes, sir." "It was on old Klink's desk." "You would think he would put it in a real hiding place." "Why should he?" "As far as he knows, that's just a book on personal hygiene." "All right, you men know what to do." "Battle stations." "Schultz, see to it that my dress uniform, the new one, with my decorations on it is in order." "I will see to it, Herr Kommandant." "It's for a very special occasion." "Yes, sir." "I suppose you're curious to know what the occasion is?" "No, sir." "But I can't tell you because it's secret." "Yes, sir." "And there is no use you're trying to get it out of me." "Yes, sir." "Let me give you one hint." "It's a great honor, and it has something to do with an award." "Can you guess what it is?" "No, sir." "You're not even trying." "Let me give you another hint." "Am I the Kommandant of this camp?" "Yes, sir." "Has any prisoner ever escaped from this camp?" "No, sir." "Very clever, Schultz." "You guessed it." "I guessed what?" "That I am getting an award for never having had an escape from this camp." "Oh, you're getting an award..." "Schultz!" "How dare you discuss this with me." "I told you it was a secret." "Yeah, but Herr Kommandant..." "No!" "You've said enough already!" "See to it that you keep your mouth shut from now on." "Yes, sir." "Hi, Schultz." "What's new?" "Don't ask me." "I know nothing." "Nothing!" "What is it, Hogan?" "Another complaint?" "No, sir." "I've been thinking about our breaking the rules, being up after lights out last night." "It was wrong and we owe you an apology." "No harm done." "Your apology is accepted." "No, this is a formal apology." "You want to stand out here just a minute, sir?" "Okay, fellas." "Places." "Okay." "Now." "( together ):" "Colonel Klink." "We wish to take this opportunity to apologize for not obeying the rules." "We are sorry and promise it will never happen again." "Never." "We sincerely hope you will accept this apology, in the spirit in which it is given." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Thank you very much." "That was very nice." "Okay, fellas, that's it, let's go." "Colonel Klink's a busy man." "Ah, Hogan, I want to talk to you." "I've got a million things to do." "Can't it wait until later?" "This won't take very long." "Okay, what is it?" "Now, Hogan, you know there are always many rumors flying around in a camp like this." "Now there's one particular rumor that I would like you to kill the moment you hear it." "Consider it killed." "Anything else?" "You haven't even heard the rumor yet." "You may hear that I'm getting an award, you may even have heard it already." "No, but if I do, I'll stop it immediately." "Now, mind you," "I'm not saying that it's the truth, and I'm not saying that it isn't." "But I will say, that I'm very honored." "I'm even very grateful." "I might even say I'm deeply touched." "Fine." "Can I go now?" "Hogan, you don't seem to be very impressed." "Well, why should I be?" "I never believe rumors." "Hi, Kinch, you got that message decoded?" "Just finishing, Colonel." ""Important that you take immediate steps" ""to silence Leslie Smythe-Beddoes, defector." ""Now being assigned to the German" ""Propaganda Ministry." ""Use whatever means you consider necessary," ""this party is now in town of Hammelburg, near your camp, preparing for a special radio broadcast."" "Leslie Smythe-Beddoes." "He sounds like one of mine." "A rat like that doesn't belong to anybody." "Let me take care of him, Colonel." "Sorry, he's my responsibility." "Headquarters wants to know what steps you've taken about Leslie Smythe-Beddoes." "Tell them we haven't taken any steps." "We're still crawling." "You really want me to send that?" "No, I'm sorry for blowing up." "Tell them we're proceeding according to plan." "What plan?" "That's what we're trying to find out." "What about giving them a present?" "A fountain pen that goes "boom" when you write with it." "That's no good." "The first thing anyone does with a gift pen is write his own name." "I could still be with him when he writes us both off." "Klink and Schultz." "Oh, Colonel Hogan." "Kommandant Klink wants to see you outside." "What about?" "What do you think?" "He wants your advice how to win the war." "I'll be glad to give him some pointers." "Thanks for telling me." "I-I-I didn't tell you." "I mean, I did, but I didn't." "I'll tell him you didn't tell me." "Oh, please, Colonel Hogan." "Say nothing." "Nothing!" "All right, but it's going to make for a one-sided conversation." "You want to see me, Commandant?" "Nothing special." "Everything all right?" "As well as can be expected if you don't expect too much." "Fine, fine." "By the way, Hogan." "I suppose that, uh, rumors about me and my award are all over the camp?" "No, I haven't heard a word." "Oh, that's wonderful." "I couldn't be happier." "Is that all?" "No, Hogan." "When a man gets an award, isn't it customary that he makes a speech?" "I'd say it was inescapable." "That's what I thought, so I wrote down a few stray thoughts." "Stray thoughts?" "Whatever happened to a simple thank you?" "Well, from a man in my position, they expect more." "Listen to this..." "Mm-hmm." ""An honor such as this" ""comes only once in a man's lifetime," ""and although I feel unworthy of this tribute," ""I would be less than honest if I did not admit" ""how moved I am to receive this award," ""which says, in effect," ""'Well done, thou good and noble solider." "Well done, Colonel Klink.'"" "What's the matter, don't you like it?" "Oh, yeah, yeah, it's fine, it's... a little heavy to start." "Should begin with something light." "I don't follow you." "Well, begin with something amusing like, uh..." ""Hey, funny thing happened to me on the way to the Reichstag." ""Ran into these two guys, Pat and Mike." ""Pat just got a new pair of shoes, and he says to Mike," ""'You know, these shoes are so tight," ""'I'm going to have to wear 'em a dozen times before I can put 'em on.'"" "Who are Pat and Mike?" "Yeah, yeah, you're right." "You'll have to change them to Bavarians Hans and Otto, but it's basically the same joke." "Hogan, I am going on the radio, and everybody in Germany will be listening to me." "I can't make jokes as if I were talking to my barber." "Well, even your barber would..." "Barber." "What are you mumbling about?" "Yeah, uh, Commandant, I'll listen to the rest of your speech later." "But Hogan, you haven't heard..." "Okay, Schultz, out." "But I'm losing." "So, what else is new?" "Out." "Eh, merci, Schultzy." "Thanks, Schultzy." "Thank you very much, mate." "Men, I know how we can get rid of Leslie Smythe-Beddoes." "I knew you'd figure it out, boy... sir." "Actually, Klink gave me the idea." "The one thing you can give a man and be sure it'll be hours before he uses it:" "an electric razor." "Hey, and I can rig a charge to go off as soon as it's plugged in." "Get to work on it right away, will you, okay?" "Newkirk, I want a German uniform." "I'm going into town." "Right, sir, uh... what rank would you like?" "Oh, what's in this season?" "Your basic captain's always in good taste." "All right, basic captain it is, but, uh, without the pearls." "One electric razor for Leslie Smythe-Beddoes." "I just thought of something." "What if this guy has a beard?" "Even guys that have beards have to shave some part of their face." "Watch it, Schultz coming." "Oh, brother." "Where's Colonel Hogan?" "Oh." "Colonel Hogan, Colonel Klink wants to see you in his office immediately." "Sorry, Schultz." "Tell Klink I'll take a rain check." "I've, uh..." "I've got a toothache." "Well, he won't like it." "I'm not too crazy about the toothache myself." "I'll tell him, but he won't like it." "Whoo, boy." "Hey, you're not still going, are you, Colonel?" "That's the plan, isn't it?" "But you know Klink." "If you don't come to him, he'll come to you." "I know." "Corporal Newkirk." "Sir?" "As of now, you're a colonel." "The propaganda ministry wants a rundown on the radio broadcast." "First, the children's chorus singing "We Salute You, Gentle Fuhrer."" "Then the loyalty pledge to the Fuhrer, our warrior leader." "Followed by a report of the glorious victories on the eastern front." "How long do you think that should be?" "It can be as long or as short as we need." "We're making it up anyway." "Then the award to the prison commandant." "Oh, yeah, Colonel..." "what's his name?" "Uh..." "Klink." "( sighs )" "The same dull stuff we've been doing." "I wish we had something different, some kind of a surprise." "What if we told them the truth about the eastern front?" "( laughs ):" "I said surprise, not shock." "Do you know what a chap can get for impersonating an officer?" "Do you know what a chap will get if Klink finds out you're not an officer?" "Here he comes." "Hogan, when I send for you, that's an order." "Colonel Hogan has a toothache." "( groaning )" "Oh, stop it, Hogan, be a man." "Dismissed." "( groans )" "Now, listen, Hogan, the best thing for a toothache is to get your mind off it..." "( groans ) so, uh..." "I'll read you some of my speech." "I think you'll enjoy it." "( groans )" "And this could be a two-minute segue into the next speech." "Well, maybe." "Yes, Captain, what is it?" "I, uh..." "I'm looking for Leslie Smythe-Beddoes." "For what reason?" "That's who this package is for." "I'll take it." "I am Leslie Smythe-Beddoes." "You're not." "Captain, don't be impertinent." "If the lady says she's Leslie Smythe-Beddoes, then she's Leslie Smythe-Beddoes." "Now, may I have the package?" "( laughs ):" "I made a terrible mistake." "I have the wrong Leslie Smythe-Beddoes." "The wrong one?" "Oh, yes, uh, you see, this is Leslie J. Smythe-Beddoes..." "Jr., and that's not you, is it?" "No." "Yes, well, it's one of those everyday mistakes." "I'll have it taken care of." "Captain, what is your division?" "I'm on detached service, sir." "I've just returned from the eastern front." "Poor man." "He's one of the lucky ones." "Well, don't blame yourself, Colonel." "How could you know Leslie was a girl?" "And how could headquarters ask us to knock her off?" "Well, that's going too far." "I don't know, I don't know." "That message didn't say anything about knocking her off." "Yes, it did." "It said... "Silence her."" "And keeping a woman from talking isn't easy, either." "And we can't disobey the order." "We got to do..." "Hold it." "What's this?" "NEWKIRK:" "Klink is doing better these days." "LeBEAU:" "That's what we need more of in this camp." "I wonder who she is." "That, gentlemen, is Leslie Smythe-Beddoes." "Oh, how can anything so good be so bad?" "As I recall, a message from headquarters said" "I could use whatever means I like." "You've found a means you like?" "A dangerous animal can be made harmless by removing its teeth." "Okay, Colonel, but her smile's going to lose an awful lot." "Colonel, you've probably heard one of these propaganda broadcasts before." "Oh, yes, they're very delightful and stimulating." "They have a tendency toward dullness." "A dullness." "Oh, yes, they're very monotonous." "Now, we're looking for something to make this program just a little different." "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm." "Is there anything in your background of special interest?" "Well, who am I to say?" "Ah." "Have you any medals for outstanding bravery?" "Are you, uh, an accomplished musician?" "Do you write?" "Paint?" "Outstanding athlete?" "All right, I'll prove it to you." "Oh, I'm sorry, Commandant, didn't know you had company." "Hogan, why don't you knock?" "Uh, this is Colonel Hogan, senior POW officer." "Hi." "Colonel." "Haven't we met before?" "Gosh, no." "I'd never forget you." "Strange." "You look very familiar to me." "Hogan is a very common type." "What do you want, Hogan?" "Carter and I were having an argument." "I wanted to prove something to him, and I couldn't find my copy of Mein Kampf." "I wondered if I could borrow yours." "My copy?" "You do have a copy of Mein Kampf?" "Oh, oh, yes, of course." "I wonder where I put it." "I don't seem to remember." "It is here, I know." "Never mind, I'll do it from memory." "Now the question was, "Today, Germany;" "tomorrow, the world;" "the day after tomorrow, we'll see."" "Now, what does that mean?" "It means there is one justice, one love, and Hitler wants it for the whole world, today and tomorrow." "CARTER:" "I don't agree." "HOGAN:" "That's because you're blind." "You've been taken in by the decadent philosophy of the Allies." "Don't you see what the Fuhrer's trying to say?" "Colonel Hogan." "Yes?" "May I have a word with you?" "Miss Smythe-Beddoes?" "Carter, tell the men there's a reward for the one who finds Mein Kampf." "You seem to have very unusual ideas for an American prisoner of war." "Well, I've had a chance to think and see since I've been here, and it's changed my ideas a lot." "I, um, realize that the new Germany is the new world." "If you feel that way, why not tell the world?" "Gosh... who'd care how I feel?" "I would." "So would a lot of other people." "You must share your thoughts with them." "How could I do that?" "On the radio, tonight, with me." "Oh, I couldn't." "Oh, you must." "Is that an order?" "Yes." "All right." "Gosh." "Feel like a Nazi already." "What is the surprise that you have planned for the broadcast?" "Ah, you will see." "Oh, well, it better be good." "I just got word the Fuhrer is listening in Berlin." "How do I look?" "Fine." "Don't worry." "It's just a radio broadcast." "That's right." "Heard by millions of people." "Millions of people." "And the Fuhrer." "The Fuhrer." "That was the Fuhrer's favorite selection." "And now I would like to introduce to you" "Colonel Wilhelm Klink of Stalag 13." "Hello!" "Tonight, we honor Colonel Klink who, as commandant of Stalag 13, has never had a prisoner escape." "Colonel, may I present you with this scroll." "( gasps )" "Uh... uh... uh, that reminds me of the story of the two Bavarians, Pat and Mike." "They..." "Thank you, Colonel Klink." "And now we have a real surprise for you:" "an American prisoner of war who has some interesting things to tell you." "You are Colonel Hogan of the United States Army Air Corps?" "That's one of my names." "One of your names?" "Well, I had another name when I was in prison." "Naturally, you don't give your right name in a case like that." "You were in prison?" "Three times." "Bum raps." "Colonel, you had an opportunity to observe the new Germany and the United States." "Now, how would you compare them?" "Oh... no comparison at all." "Back home, everybody thinks for themselves." "All those decisions to make." "Here, one man thinks for everyone." "Saves a lot of wear and tear." "I'm, uh..." "I mean, take the Russian front." "That was Hitler's idea, yet I think it's so wonderful you don't hear one word of criticism about it." "You've... read Mein Kampf, I believe." "Oh, yeah, you bet." "You know that guy Hitler that wrote it?" "A lot of people think just 'cause he wears that silly mustache, the book's a lot of junk, but..." "And now, the orchestra will play another favorite selection of the Fuhrer's." "Colonel Sitzer, believe me," "I didn't know that he was going to..." "Miss Smythe-Beddoes," "I believe your usefulness to the Third Reich has come to an end." "I didn't even get a chance to say what a great guy Hitler is." "Golly." "Yes, sir, yes, yes." "Yes, my Fuhrer." "Colonel, was that really the Fuhrer?" "Himself, talking to me." "Gosh." "Did he have anything to say about me?" "Oh, yes." "He said you should be turned over to the Gestapo at once." "Oh, no." "Oh, you're lucky." "You get to stay in Germany." "Did the Fuhrer say anything about my speech?" "Not a word." "He didn't mention me at all?" "Did he say anything about me?" "Oh, yes, he talked about the both of you." "What did he say?" "He said that if this man ever attempts to escape... let him."