"Voices were raised in protest today at the home office decision to allow militant Egyptian cleric Arshad Al-Masri into the U.K. for a lecture tour." "Al-Masri, seen here preaching in Pakistan, is a controversial figure both at home and abroad and has been linked to extremist Islamic groups." "The reaction of the British Muslim community has been mixed, with some saying" " Oh, fuck off." "Mommy, mommy, mommy." "One, two, three." "Move your arms." "Move your arms." "Come on." "That's it." "Come on." "Come on, darling." "Darling, he's here." "Delivery man's here." "Is it all there?" "Yeah." "Tell Akhmed thank you." "Whoa!" "What do you want?" "What do you want?" "A jihad on the great Satan." "Well, we, the imperialist empire" "We surrender to your holy power." "I wish you wouldn't teach her those words." "I'm not being funny, but does lady gaga look like an ostrich or what?" "It'll be absolutely brilliant." "You've got nothing to worry about." "I'm sure the weather will hold out." "I've already called time on my son." "Oh, yeah, I promised dad" "I'd help him sort out grandma's house." "Ah, right, right, right." "No, no, I was on my way out anyway." "Make sure you carry all the boxes, okay?" "Ta, Mahmud." "Hey, ladies." "What about now?" "Okay, mum." "Whoa!" "Weirdo!" "Aah!" "Weirdo!" "Aah!" "I wanted to speak to you about something." "What?" "Is it the-- Is it the new imam?" " Look, I know he's a bit of a "trendy"" " Don't do that." " Do what?" " The inverted-commas thing." "Yeah." "Readily, it is a bit of a "cunty" thing to do." " Christ, bloody cabbies." " They think they own the road." "Look, here's the thing" "I think I know what you really want to say." "I know." " Do you?" " Yeah." "Yeah, Uzma's a lovely girl, but, you know, men" "For men, women are like a buffet, aren't they?" "You know, you don't want to sit down till you've piled your plate up as high as possible, you know, so it's toppling all over, you know." "You got a bit of red meat, you got a bit of poached salmon, a bit of Turkey meat, a bit of white meat, huh?" "You get my drift?" "So, it's an all-you-can-eat deal, this buffet, is it?" "Exactly." "Get off." "Dad, the only woman I'm interested in is Uzma." "I don't like buffets." "I prefer sit-down meals in restaurants." "Yeah, I know, I know, I know, restaurants, where you always order the same thing -- chicken karahi with chips and tomato sauce." "Yeah, I do." "So next time I need a dose of middle-aged Muslim misogyny," "I will call Hanif Kureishi." "Dad, I need to tell you something about the wedding, and I just need you to listen, you know, calmly." "Okay, all right." "Okay, you got it." "I'm zen." "I'm Gandhi." "Go." "Go for it." "Right." "Well" "Aah!" "Dad!" "Stupid fuck." "You stupid tossing wanker!" "What's your fucking problem?" "Learn to fucking drive!" "Wanker!" "Moron!" "Fucking stupid fuckwits!" "All right, where were we?" "I know Uzma's mum has been in Pakistan." "I'm not completely out of the loop." "Okay, well, um, she-- She's met someone." " Hmm?" " A man." "You know, she's obviously still a very attractive woman, especially the, uh" "Would it upset you if I said the word "tits"?" "Yes." "Although I" "The point-- the point is she's gonna get married again, right?" "Yeah, I'm not surprised, given the" "No, don't do the tits action again." "Look, what I'm trying to say" "When did Uzma's dad die, again?" "Three years ago, so, look" "You know, um, when my dad died," "I was still so young, you know?" "I didn't want mum to even look at another man." "But now she's gone, too, so, looking back" "Uzma's flying out tomorrow to Pakistan for her mum's wedding, right, and" "When do we meet this new stepdad of hers?" "Well, um, they're all coming back week after next," " and he wants to meet us then..." " Yeah?" "...me, mum, you." "Okay, no problems." "So, who is he?" "No." "Yeah." "No." "Yes." "No!" "That's fair enough, you know, given the" "Shut it!" "Get in here!" "Have you gone completely mental?" "!" "Um, did you put a parking permit in the car?" "Don't change the subject!" "God, isn't it enough that you and I put on a rucksack, we get a whole fucking tube carriage to ourselves?" "Dad." "Uh, wait a minute." "I know this is in here." "Dad, come on." "Look at this." "Do you know why mum kept that?" "I wrote a letter to this paper once, explaining why people like us have to stand up to Wahhabi nutters like your would-be dad-in-law." ""This is an issue which should unite all British Muslims, whether sunni or shiite."" "Yeah, well, I wrote a letter complaining about that," " but they didn't print it for some reason." " Calm down." "Listen." "We need his approval, or I can't marry Uzma." "Give me one thing." "Give me one thing guaranteed to make me less calm than inviting Arshad Al-fucking-Stalin into my family." "Look." "I just parked for two minutes!" "It was two minutes!" "This is my dead mum!" "My dead mum!" "Tossers!" "I don't believe it!" "They never come 'round this way, not this time on a Thursday..." "Not unless someone was..." "Was that you?" "You fucking..." "What's your problem, man?" "I'm trying to clear out my dead mother's house here!" "You got something against my family?" "Is that what it is?" "Against mini-cab owners?" "Right, yeah, I got it." "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "It's Muslims, isn't it?" "Muslims." "Come out here." "Stop it." "Leave it." "Dad, leave it." "Fucking come out here!" "Just leave it." "All right, I'm easy." "Easy." "All right, I'm calm." "Stop!" "Dad, stop it!" "Come here!" "It's not worth it!" "Stop it!" "They think they own the world." "Come on." "A minute ago, it was just the road." "I don't mean cabbies." "The car's at the pound in charlton street." "I love this one." "Never knew what it meant." ""He who looks after an orphan shall be in paradise."" "Ah." "Yep." "Yep, of course." "Because the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was an orphan." "I knew that, Rashid." "His father died before he was born." "You know, I've read my Qur'an." "Yeah, well, the Qur'an never actually mentions his parents." "Anyway, dad, here's the thing" "I really want to marry Uzma, and I know her stepdad might seem a little strict." "Yeah." "But we need him to think we're proper Muslims." "We are proper Muslims." "Yeah, yeah, I know, I know." "I meant observant ones, you know?" "Rashid, listen." "Look, I may not say my namaz five times a day, okay?" "I may not even, you know, fast every day of Ramadan, you know?" "And, now and again, a small sip of the old pale ale passes my lips." "But in here, in here, by the name of the prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, Allah lives, okay?" " Come on." " Okay, dad." " Of course." "I just need that to be clear, you know?" "When the time comes," "I think maybe it's what they would have wanted." "You're right." "All right." "I promise, okay?" "I promise that when fundamentalist fatty fatwa face" " comes around..." " Dad." " ..." "I'll be very" " Don't do that." "I'm joking." "I promise that when Uzma's stepdad pops by," "I will be the best Muslim I can be." "Hey?" "Thanks, dad." " Come on." " Thanks." "Come on, let's finish up the job." "Subhan'Allah, look at all this stuff." "God, my dad's military service, discharge certificate." "You got mum's birth certificate." "You got my birth..." "Certificate." "Saamiya?" "Huh?" "Where's my mother now?" "In jannah." "She's flying with your father through the seven skies." "My father." "Well, Mr. Nasir," "I think we can think only one thing, really." "You were adopted at the age of 2 weeks from the White Chapel branch of the Waifs and Strays society." "Waifs and strays?" "What was I, a golden retriever?" "It's now simply called the children's society." "Right." "So, who are my real parents?" "Ah, we don't tend to use the word "real"" "in these cases, Mr. Nasir." "Oh, what word would you use?" "Would you use "lazy" or "irresponsible"" "or "couldn't quite be bothered to bring me up" parents?" ""Birth." We say "the birth parents."" "Ah, okay, sorry." "So who are my "birth" parents?" "Can you not do that inverted-commas thing?" "Yes, all right." "Yes, yep." "If you wish to trace your real parentage, you will have to go to one of the agencies that deal with that." " They'll put you in touch with a counselor..." " Just the name." "...after which" "Just the real name, my birth name." "I need to know." "I'm sorry, but my hands are tied." "Mrs. Keyes, please." "In my culture, a man's name is really important to him." "I'm afraid not." "Just-- Just the first name." "Look, you may have had no name at all." "Many waifs and strays do not." "Okay, well, just check that, please." "I'm" " I'm sorry I'm taking your time, miss." "No-- uh, you do -- did." "So, there you go." "Um, well, c-can you tell me what the name was?" "I'm sorry." "I said I wouldn't tell you that." "No, no." "No, you didn't." "You said you wouldn't tell me my whole name." "Look, I can't trace anything with just nothing!" "All right, all right." "Will you go if I tell you?" "Yes, I'll be happy-- really happy-- to go." "Well, what is it?" "Is it Akbar?" "Omar?" "Jamal?" "I've always liked "Jamal."" "Solly." "Solly?" "Solly?" "No, there's got to be some mistake in the records." "Can I just look at that, please?" " No, you said you'd go." " Come on, please." "That's before I knew my name was solly." " Now, see here." " Just have a quick look." "Please, please, please." "Mrs. Keyes, please." "Mr. Nasir, I will call security." "I need to look at it." "I need to look at it." "I need to look at it, please." "Thank you." "Excuse me." "Thank you." "Shimshiz" "I think it's pronounced "Shimshileewitz."" "Security." "Solly Shimshileewitz." "Yes." "No." "But that would mean I was" "I-I-I was" "Yes, Mr. Nasir, as, indeed, it goes on to confirm later in the document, in common with many people living in this area at the time, you are, by birth, Jewish." "No." "No, but I can't be." "I mean, look at me." "I'm so obviously not." "Well, it's not what it says here, Mr. Nasir, and you are also, at the present time, leaving." "Thank you." " Oh, what?" "Give me a break." "You find out you're Jewish, and suddenly some bloke in a uniform is leading you away?" "That's ridiculous." "Come on!" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry I drank some beer." "I'm sorry I fancied that pram-faced tart in Tesco." "Please just make it not true -- please." "Hello, George." "Daniel, how are you?" "Very good." "Very good." "You're looking well." "Easy, easy!" "Excuse me." "Do you mind just watching where you're..." "A fabulous track there by Cat Stevens, or Yusuf Islam, I should say." "Morning, Jew." "Morning." "What would you like for breakfast?" "Crunchy bread." "Sorry, did you just say" " Daddy?" " Yes, darling?" "Can you do up my Jews?" "What are you talking about?" "Mmm." "There's too much Jew in this tea." "Sorry, did I say "tea"?" "I meant "Jew."" "Ah-Jew!" "Ah-Jew!" "Well, look, I've got to go to work." "Yes, good." "I need to study this." "Mahmud." "Mahmud!" "Wake up!" "Mahmud!" "Mahmud, wake up." "Have you been here all night?" "Come, come." "Stand, stand, stand." "Oh, geez." "You've fallen asleep." "It's okay." "I'm so sorry." "I'm so sorry." "Oh, I got to go back." "Christ, my wife will kill me." "Imam..." "Yes?" "What?" "There's something I'd like to talk to you about." "Is it about Rashid and Uzma?" "I mean, I know it's a little heavy that Al-Masri's her stepdad, a little "wtf?"" "No." "Well, yeah." "No, no, no." "That's not it, though." "Here's the thing" "I've just found out something about myself." "Ah, a difficult thing?" "You're telling me." "Something that deeply challenges your idea of yourself?" "Yes, yes, exactly." "I think I know what it is you're trying to tell me." "You do?" "Yes." "You're not the first." "Really?" "No." "I mean, the thing is, the Qur'an is pretty rigid on this." "Yes, of course." "But Islam is about mercy and interpretation, and my interpretation is this" "If you're gay, you're gay." " Oh, for Christ's sake, no" " Yeah." "Now, now, I know Al-araf Ayah 80 states that ye who practice their lusts upon men as opposed to women rain down on them a shower of brimstone." " That's not actually" " It sounds bad, I know." "But I think that brimstone is already raining down on you inside." "Yes, but" "And maybe that's enough for Allah." "No, well-- Do I look like" "Now, the punishment for this is death by stoning, some say." "But if you read my book, "Islam:" "The other voices,"" "you'll find a whole host of evidence that suggests that when two men..." "Well, have you see those Christian Louboutins again?" "No." "Well, agyness deyn has stopped wearing them, so, of course, now they're all sold out." "To be honest, they look a bit orthopedic boot." "It's like having a club foot." "Muna, Mahmud didn't come home last night." "Just afraid to answer the phone." "The thing is, right, my mother used to say" "We are all Hezbollah now!" "Nabi, fish fingers?" "Kill the unbelievers!" "Nabi!" "The thing is, my mother used to say that when men's mothers die, they go a bit... mental." "They're midlife-crisis-y." "Hmm." "Well, has he recently got a motorbike?" "No." "Tattoo?" "No." "Back wax?" "I wish." "Well, what about the other thing that midlife crisis-y men do?" "No." "Honestly." "I read about it in grazia." "What you have to do is, when he comes back, keep an eye out for anything which might suggest he's been near somebody else's perfume." "You think he would actually" "Of course not!" "This is Mahmud we're talking about!" "Mahmud?" "I need to take a shower." "Jew!" "Jew!" "Jew!" "Jew!" "Aah!" "So, I'm dying to know." "How was the big day?" "I don't know." "It was a weird wedding-- catering by Al-qaeda." "Check out their bridesmaids' quarters." "Oh, Jesus." "I'm still hoping for an upgrade to a room in abu ghraib." "So, how did it go with your dad?" "Actually not bad, you know?" "He seemed to take it quite seriously." "And I'm keeping him sweet." "I found this clip of this '80s pop star he likes, right?" "And-- wow!" "Dad, you look great." "Doesn't he look great?" "Mr. Nasir, you look lovely." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Um, can I use my computer, please?" "Yeah." "Bye, darling." "Bye, Rashid." "I love you." "And, Mr. Nasir, thank you so much." "Dad, look at this." "It's a "support palestine" rally that Uzma's stepdad's gonna be talking at next week." "I thought we should go, you know, show willing, hmm?" "Is the bloke with the hook gonna be there?" "You know I'm fond of him." "Dad, it's a just cause, one we all believe in." "Oh, of course, yeah." "I'll definitely be there." "Okay." "Oh, I forgot to show you something." "Hang on." "Eh?" "I've never seen this." "It's your favorite." "Gary page." "So, what happened to him, anyway?" "Oh, I don't know." "He died or disappeared or something about 10 years ago." "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop, you fucking idiots!" "You morons!" "I always go to sleep at midnight." "It's when I fucking close my eyes, isn't it?" "Fuck off, you fucking Paki!" "Oh, God." "Dad, I'm sorry." "I hadn't watched it that far." "I always knew he was a psycho." "Okay, so, um" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Sure, sure." "Thank you." "Okay." "What are you doing?" "Nothing." "I just was wondering if I should, uh, order a new suit for the wedding." "You know, what should I buy?" "Um, I don't know." "Hmm." "Where were you last night?" "Last night, I-I stayed at my mother's house again, yeah, just thinking, praying..." "And stuff." "All right." "Any driver at all-- Cricklewood?" "Oh, um, I got some blokes with a van." "You know, you said sort it, to move some boxes from your mum's." "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Thank you, Sharif." "Thank you." "Sorry." "It's all right." "It's okay." "Sharif?" "Yeah?" "We're all friends, aren't we?" "Yeah." "I mean, we can tell each other anything." "I hope so." "It's good to know." "That David Schwimmer" "He's, uh, Jewish, isn't he?" "He's got enough money to be, boss." "That's it, wasif." "Yeah, you're right, yeah-- Rich, Jewish... wankers." "They're all Jews on American TV." "On TV?" "The whole country's run by Jews." "It's basically the United States of Israel." "Exactly, yeah." "Yeah, bloody Jews." "I don't know about all that." "They're people of the book, aren't they?" "Yeah, people of the checkbook, more like." "That's funny." "That's a good one-- The people of the checkbook." " Oh, that's" " Mahmud?" " Yeah?" " You all right?" "Yeah, you know, it was a good one." "Yeah." "Anyway, uh, very good." "Keep up the good work." "Jew scum!" "It's here on the left." "I put the cones to reserve the space." " You got really fucking" " I knew I shouldn't have rubbed that fucking lamp." "You American?" "Nah, I'm a-- I'm a cockney sparrow." " Come on, move your cab." " Beg your pardon?" "What happened to that famed Islamic politeness?" "You saw the space was marked." "Move your fucking cab!" "Well, great." "I've lived here for 15 years!" "I'll park wherever I want to park!" "Just move it up a bit further up the road, all right?" "I like that space." "I always park there." "Oh, yeah, yeah, I see, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Yeah, it's a bit like the occupied territories, isn't it?" "Oh, here it is!" "Here it comes!" "The anti-semitic stuff!" "You heard it here first!" " I'm not being anti-semitic." " Oh, no?" "What else you want to call me, huh?" "Hymie?" "Kike?" "Huh?" "Bagel breath?" "Bollocks." "4x2?" "Neocon?" "No, no, no." "No, no, no." "I'm not being anti-semitic." "Yeah?" "Yeah?" "I can't be." "Yeah?" "Why not?" "Because I'm a fucking Jew!" "I'm a Jew." "Shit!" "Don't you dare tell anyone." "I'm the shoe bomber." "Pleasure to meet you." "No, listen to me." "I just found out I'm adopted by Muslims." "My real parents..." "Are Jews." "Is that funny?" "Why should I believe you?" "Why the fuck should I make it up?" "Well, that's a point." "Yeah." "No point in asking you to drop your pants, because" " Because circumcised?" " No, we all are." "Are you?" "We all are." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "I know." "Word association." "Nah, what are you talking about?" " Come on, word association." " What for?" "Car." "Volvo." "Right on." "Uh, happy." "Ish." "Two out of three." "Crystal." "Nacht." "Wow." "Even I would have said, "palace."" " Still, I don't know why" " Yeah, but listen." "Listen, listen, listen to me." "My real name-- Well, my "birth" name..." "Please don't do that." "...is solly Shimshileewitz." "Solly Shimshileewitz?" "Now do you believe me?" "Why didn't they just call you jewy jewjewjewjew and be done with it?" "It was nice talking to you, all right?" "Fine." "That's almost as jewy a name as Izzy Shimshileewitz." "What did you say?" "Izzy Shimshileewitz -- used to live around here years ago." "There's an Izzy Shimshileewitz?" "Well, where is he?" "Is he still alive?" "Where is he?" "Fuck knows." "Where are you going?" "To move my cab." "What, 'cause you just find out" "Yeah, welcome to the worldwide conspiracy." "Would you like a chip?" "Got one." "Yes?" "I called earlier about Izzy Shimshileewitz." "You the guy that phoned five of the Jewish old-age homes?" "Uh, yeah." "How did you know?" "'Cause we Jewish old-age homes share info for security purposes." "We're very tight on that stuff, us Jewish old-age homes" "Very tight." "Dad?" "No!" "I don't think so." "Firstly, you appear to be..." "Muslim." "Yeah, all right, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "A-a-a-and secondly," "I'm perhaps five years younger than you." "Yes, you're right." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Yes." "Is Izzy Shimshileewitz in there?" "Yes." "Can I go in, please?" "Yeah, I-I-I'm afraid not." "No, you don't understand." "I'm his son..." "I think." "Do you have some sort of syndrome?" "No, no, no, no." "My real parents are Jews." "I was adopted." "I've just found out my birth name is Shimshileewitz." "Really?" "What, and you're definitely isaac's son, are you?" "Yes, yes." "Well, I mean, I must be." "Look, I'm sorry, but as Mr. Shimshileewitz's rabbi," "I have to think of his welfare first." "He's a really sick man now." " Well, then, you have to let me in." " Look at you." "A Muslim son?" "He's an observant Jew." "It would kill him stone dead." "What do I do?" "What do you know about Jews?" "They've got big noses." "They like money." "Oh, they do." "Okay, so, the answer is "nothing."" "Look, what you need to do, and quickly, is think about what it means to be a Jew." "And then... we'll think about letting you in." "By the way, when you thought I was your dad, like a shriveled old man, was it because of the hairless thing, because that is genetic, okay?" "Right." "Dodi, you've come back from the dead." "Can I come in, please?" "Two sugars." "Thank you." "Look..." "I don't know your name." "Leonard-- Leonard Goldberg." ""Lenny" to my very few friends." "Chaser?" "No, I don't drink." "Right." "Of course." "Me, I've recently developed a taste for it." "Mm." "So, uh..." "Jews." "Yeah?" "Tell me about them." "Okay." "Uh, well, let's see." "Where shall we start?" "I know." "Let's start with me, the archetype, the American Jew, as American as knish and "Seinfeld"" "and slavish support for Israel." "You know, like my fellow countrymen," "I didn't think there were any other Jews in the whole fucking world, especially not Britain" "Britain, land of hope and pork." "A Jew in Britain-- I mean, that's just weird." "That's like an American driving a hackney carriage," "Or a yank with the knowledge." "What's the bloody world coming to?" "But no." "In London alone, you've got your hampstead liberal intellectual Jew." "You've got your Peter secular accountant Jew." "You've got your hendon orthodox lawyer Jew, and scum of kosher scum, your essex Jews, of which heritage my recently ex-wife, who, by the way, in case you were wondering, is the reason" "why I came to this fucking country in the first place and why I know so much about its..." "Jews." "Knish?" "A doughy, kosher, deep-fried dumpling." "And then you've got your Israeli Jews" "You know, Jews without angst, without guilt, who really are not Jews at all," "And then, of course, your Jews for Jesus." "What in the fuck is that all about?" "Hello?" "Yeah, yeah, Adam." "No, no, no, I'm gonna-- I'm gonna" " I'm gonna pick" "Wh-wh-what?" "Why?" "Oh, Christ, why?" "Adam, you-- you-- you know what?" "Fuck off, you little shit." "Right." "Well, I-I guess I've got to get" "That was my-- my useless, flaky son." "Supposed to go to a bar Mitzvah with him on Saturday." "Now" " Now I got nobody to go with." "It's just I hate going to those things alone, you know, all those Jews jewing it up in public, you know?" "What, you?" "You?" "Mm-hmm." "Go-- Go to a bar Mitzvah with you, osama bin liner, Ali bongo, captain Muslim?" "No, no, no." "Come on." "I can" " I can blend in." "You know?" "You call that a shrug?" "It's a shrug." "That's not a shrug." "That's blending in." "Look, you want to be a Jew?" "Palms up, shoulders, then the sad doggy eyes." "Oy." "Oy." "Hmm?" "Oy." "Oy." "Oy." "Oy." "Oy." "Oy." "Oy." "Oy." "Doesn't it just make you want to put all your possessions in a wooden cart and pull them sadly and slowly away from your burning village?" "Oy!" "Oy." "That's it." "Yes!" "Fucking get in there!" "Come on!" "Great." "Now let's move on to "vey."" "Mahmud?" "I need to call Rashid." "He's" "Hey, how you doing?" "Ah, you look smart." "Thanks." "I'm going out later." "Okay." "Yeah, it's a work to-do." "It's, uh, shari's 60th." "Nice." "Hey, you look" "What?" "Fatter?" "Bigger?" "More rounded?" "Fat?" "Fat?" "No, you look great." "I was gonna say you look great." "Anyway, I came to tell you that Rashid's going on this rally that Al-Masri's speaking at." "Oh, shit." "I promised him I'd go." "I've got to" "Mahmud, we haven't even talked about how this-- this... terrifying shithead is gonna become part of our family." "Ah." "Saamiya, look-- He comes around, okay?" "We meet him, he gives his blessing, and just we sort it out for Rashid and Uzma." "That's it." "And besides, this Arshad guy-- come on." "How meshugga can he be?" "Sorry?" "How many, you know, sugars short of a very sweet cup of tea... can he be?" "You know, Mahmud," "I never thought I would end up with a guy who thinks he looks good in a Tottenham hotspur shirt and a pair of chadees, who teaches our 4-year-old daughter extremist language, and rather than get up from the TV, urinates in a cup." "That only happened the once." "Mm-- My "world's best mum" cup that Rashid gave me when he was 10." "I forgot to clean it." "But none of that matters, because the only thing that matters between a husband and a wife is honesty." "And you've always promised to be honest to me." "And I've always believed that promise." "Should I?" "Of course." "Of course." "Hey." "Dad, you made it." "Yeah, I wouldn't miss this." "What time is Al-Masri on?" "Well, there's a rumor going around that he's been banned by the organizers at the last minute, which some people aren't too happy about." "Well, I can see that." "It's hot, though, isn't it?" "Yeah." "Whew." "Dad, what is that on your head?" "I've brought this for one reason and one reason alone!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Okay, last run-through of things not to mention" "Hitler, "protocols of the elders of zion,"" "Hitler, the fact that you're actually a Muslim." "Oh, well, hey, well, what about prayers?" "There may be one or two, but when in doubt, just do this." "That's it?" "Yeah." "Okay." "Have you memorized some Yiddish?" "Yeah, but just a few." "Just sprinkle in a few words during the conversation" "You know, "schlep," "kvetch," "traipse."" ""Traipse"?" "That's an English word, isn't it?" "It is?" "It sounds Yiddish." "Ah, hello!" "It's so nice to meet you." "How are you?" "Monty." "Monty, how are you?" "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the lister boys," "Sammy and Louie." "Mazeltov!" "Okay, what kind of Jew is that?" "A smelly one?" "Hippy Jew." "Bohemian parents." "Now a Buddhist." "A Buddhist Jew?" "How does that work?" "Believes you should renounce all material possessions but still keep the receipts." "Oof!" "Look at that." "I'd like to offer her some serious kosher sausage." "What kind of Jew is that?" "That is my ex-wife." "I'm sorry." "With her wanking boyfriend, Maurice gross." "Maurice gross?" "Psychic investigator from high barnet." "Julie." "Oh." "Denise." "Oh, Lenny." "I'm so sorry to hear about you and Diane." " Yeah." " And now she's with Maurice Gross." "Who'd have guessed?" "I suppose he would." "Well, being a psychic investigator." "It's a wisecrack." "Oh." "I thought you people-- We're well known for wisecracking, us people." "Ladies, this is my cousin Solomon" "Solomon Shimshileewitz." "Please, just call me "solly."" "How do you do?" "How do you do?" "Hello." "Lovely event, don't you think, solly?" "Yes, it's very, uh... very geschmack." "I-I-it, uh-- actually, it's very traipse, I'd say." "It's very Jewish." "Mm, you're right." "It is very Jewish." "Oh, now, solly, I'm sure that Lenny must have told you" " that Denise and I are now co-chair..." "Co-chair." "...of the north London ladies eretz yisrael guild." "Eretz?" "Yisrael." "I know it." "So, we were wondering" "So, we wondered if you might sign our latest petition." "I'd be delighted." ""We, the undersigned, believe that the state of Israel--"" ""Israel is unfairly demonized by BBC, ITV, Channel 4, and all other forms of the U.K. news media--"" ""despite being a shining--"" ""a shining example of democracy and fairness," " which simply wants to live in--" - "in peace."" ""In peace with its neighbors."" "Oh, thanks, Lenny." "If you wouldn't mind." "J-j-just here, is it?" "Just there, please." "Thank you." "I have a twitch!" "Aah!" "Ow, ow!" "That-- that really hurt!" "Are you all right?" "Ladies and gentlemen, before we eat, rabbi finestein will say grace." "Be happy to do it." "Sorry to interrupt." "Yeah." "I think we should go." "This is just too Jewish for me." "Ladies and gentlemen" "That's nice." "Today our blessed bar Mitzvah twins," "Sammy and Louie, become men." "Yeah, yeah, it's-- it's good to be a Jewish man now." "Please don't come crying to me in 30 years' time when your prostate blows up like an air bag and your wife runs off with a psychic investigator from high barnet." "What?" "Speech." "Sorry, monty." "Anyway, boys, seeing as your father here is to public speaking as..." "Stephen Hawking is to windsurfing, he has asked schmuggins here to take on the bar Mitzvah task of telling a classic Jewish funny story." "Sadly, though, I've become a bit tired and emotional this evening." "So, I-- and also very drunk." "So I've decided to pass the Baton, to-- to-- to give the task to my good friend and classic Jewish storyteller." "Ladies and gentlemen, solly Shimshileewitz." "Uh... hello." "Dear Lord." "How about the story about rabbi Akiba and Fischel, the-- the village idiot?" "Yeah." "How about that?" "That's a good idea." "That's, uh..." "So there was a tale of, uh, rabbi..." "Akiba." "...Akiba, who lived in..." "Hotep." "And he always observed his fedeyezyez flahot." "Uh..." "Then, in the syn-- No, no, I know this one." " The-- the-- the shul." " Shul." "That's it, the shul." "Shul." "The shul." "In the shul came Fischel, the village idiot." "Well, what an idiot he was." "And he went up to the rabbi, and he said," ""Rabbi, Rabbi!" "My foreskin has grown back."" "Um, he did." "He said that." "No, he didn't." "He did, and the rabbi looked at him and said, "you what?"" "And Fischel said, "it's true." "What do I do?" About his foreskin." "And..." "It was that point" "Can you help me with this one, please?" "Yes, yes." "Finish it off." "Rabbi Akiba says," ""Moses said that when-- when" ""when the light of the world is shining, we must turn our faces to the sky."" "That's it, yeah." ""And as Joshua said when the light of the world is dim, we must turn our faces to the ground."" "To the ground." ""But I say--" Rabbi Akiba says..." "Yeah, what did he say?" "Well,Rabbi Akiba says..." "Uh, Rabbi Akiba looked at Fischel." "And he says..." "What was that?" "Don't ask me." "Jesus." "See?" "Soon as I'm in a cab..." "Sober as a church." "That was good tonight." "Didn't expect it." "Thanks, Lenny." "Hey, Mahmud." "This Jew thing" " What-- what's so important?" "Izzy Shimshileewitz." "What, he's still alive?" "Yeah, well, I think so." "I don't know." "I-I can't be sure." "They won't let me see him." "What do you mean?" "Who?" "They who?" "The rabbi." "The rabbi at the care home." "He said I've got to get a bit more jewy." "Did he?" "Yeah." "When are you gonna see him next?" "Soon as possible." "Tomorrow." "You know what?" "I'm gonna take you." "I'm gonna go with you." "Yeah?" "Yeah, I'm not gonna let your big family emotional moment get held back by some asshole fruma." "I think-- You know, that's good." "That's really good if you come." "I'm gonna go." "But you will be tactful, though, will you?" "Yeah." "Because, you know, this is a big thing for me." "My dad -- you know, my adopted one -- when he died..." "It really cut me up." "You know, and now I've got this other dad here, and it's just too much." "Look, finding out you're Jewish doesn't mean that suddenly every moment's a therapeutic opportunity." "Salaam alaykum, Mahmud." "Alaykum a salaam, Lenny." "Hey." "Hey." "Good night, rash." "Good night." "Uh, dad..." "That was a bit weird today, wasn't it, with the rally?" "Weird, yeah." "Yeah, it was." "I was just-- I was just trying, you know, to show support for them, the big stepfather guy." "Yeah, but I think, when he comes to see us, you could, uh..." "Turn it down a touch, maybe." "Just a touch." "Okay." "All right." "Relax." "Good night." "Good night." "I spoke to Sharif tonight." "He isn't 60 until June." "Saamiya." "Do you remember when we got married?" "And you promised to love me and honor me with faith and obedience and gentleness?" "Yes, of course." "Who is it?" "!" "Huh?" "!" "Ow!" "That hurts!" "Is it someone from work?" "!" "Work?" "What are you talking about?" "They're all men." "That pram-faced tart from Tesco's." "Blimey, you noticed that?" " But I-I was just looking." " Hmm." "Anyway, you know, by the Qur'an, I could have four wives anyway." "Oh, that's why you've been running to the mosque all of this time, is it, huh?" "!" "Ow!" "Stop it!" "You know, I knew I should have never married a shia." "That hurts." "Stop." "Will you stop?" "Will you calm down?" "Calm down?" "I want to tell you something." "Oh." "No, it's not" "What?" "You're not" "Mahmud, I spoke to the imam because I was worried about you, and he told me that you told him this thing about yourself, and I just laughed because you can't be, can you?" "Hey." "Oh, no." "I've seen this on the Internet -- men like you." "They're called bears-- Big, fat, hairy men." "No, no, no, I'm not gay, all right?" "I'm not gay." "I've got the wrong end of the stick." "Listen to me." "The truth is..." "The truth is..." "Mm?" "...I'm..." "Frightened..." "Frightened?" "...of meeting Arshad Al-Masri." "At least, I was frightened..." "Till I started going to these religious education classes." "Really?" "Yeah, yeah, night classes at the, uh, mosque." "Yeah." "Mahmud, that's so sweet!" "You're not ashamed of me, then?" "Ashamed?" "I'm proud of you." "Wow." "Hey." "Come here... and show me how ungay you really are, you big, heterosexual bear!" "Ah." "Hello." "How is he?" "Stable, but no better." "That's why I'm here 24/7 at the moment." "Sorry." "Just thought you said 24/7." "That's kind of weird for a rabbi to say." "Rabbi, so, this is my friend Leonard Goldberg." "He's been helping, so, yeah." "I seem to remember us setting a little test." "Yeah, he did." "Lenny's been helping me out with it." "Has he?" "Yeah." "Been doing my teacher thing, you know, for my yid-muslo, uh, homey." " Say your shema." " I'm sorry." "Beg your pardon?" "The shema-- the Lord's prayer." "Oh, don't tell me he hasn't taught" "Uh, well, name the five books of Moses." "Yeah, I can do this." "Genesis" " Uh, in Hebrew." " In Hebrew?" "Gen-hesis." "What's Hebrew for "Phil Collins"?" " Ex-hodus." " Okay." "I've had quite enough." "No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait." "No, listen, listen, Rabbi." "My friend has drunk my chicken soup." "He's danced like a cossack in my living room." "He told a funny story at a bar Mitzvah." "And by the way, he got a big laugh." "I'm a Jew, and my friend here is Jewish enough for me." "Come back when you've found a better teacher." "Where am I gonna find one of those, huh" " Craigslist?" "Look, Rabbi, I haven't even told my wife and family about this." "Well, perhaps that's where you should start." "Now, if you don't mind," "I've got a dying man's soul to care for." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Listen, you sanctimonious rabbinical cue ball." "Stop it!" "You're disturbing the residents." "You're frightening them." "Hi." ""Hi"?" "Sorry." "You don't want to listen to what that oversized toddler punk rabbi says." "I mean, I'm a little bit racist towards Muslims, but this asshole?" "If you have just an ounce of Allah left inside you, he will never let you anywhere near your dad." "I" " I should-- I should tell people." "I" " I should tell everyone I was born a Jew." "That would be a very unjewish thing to do." "You know, we don't like to call attention to ourselves." "We're proud, but we're proud quietly." "And-- And what about Israelis?" "No, no, I told you-- They're not really Jews." "Yeah, yeah, they're not exactly quiet about themselves, are they, what, with all the warmongering and the colonial rampaging and" "Oh, oh-- "if you-- if you throw a pebble at us, we'll raze your hospitals to the ground" foreign policy." "Unlike the very quiet way in which your palestinian cousins strap bombs to themselves and blow up school buses?" "Yeah, yeah, you know-- You know full well that there are loads more palestinians killed by the Israeli army than the other way around." "What exactly is your problem, fat boy?" "Who are you to tell me about Jews?" "No, don't look-- If you'd been a better teacher," "I would have been at my father's deathbed right now!" "What exactly are you saying then, huh?" "That it's my fault?" " Yes!" " Ah!" "You self-hating mentalist!" "Get out of my cab." "You what?" "You heard me!" "Get out of my cab!" "Americans shouldn't bloody be driving a black cab, anyway!" "Asshole." "I'm gonna tell my family." "I am." "You know what?" "I don't give a fuck what you do." "Anti-semite." "Islamophobe." "Suck my fat one!" "Rashid, Saamiya, could you come down, please?" "There's something I've got to tell you." "Daddy, the funny men have come to see if we're Muslim enough." "Mahmud." "Oh, yes." "Oh, yes." "Come and meet our guests." "This is Mr. Al-Masri." "Please call me Arshad." "Yes, yes, yes, uh..." "Salaam alaykum, Arshad." "Mahmud." "Alaykum a salaam." "Please, my friends." "Hey." "This is Tariq." "Hey." "And this is Hazeem." "Hey, hey." "It's very, uh" "Whoa." "Um, welcome." "Welcome, everyone." "You are very welcome." "You are very welcome to my home." "So, uh... what did you have to tell us, Mahmud?" "What?" "You came in saying that you have something to tell us." "Yeah, I" " I was just gonna tell everyone that I'm, uh" "I'm, uh..." "It was just something in my head on my way here," " and I thought Nabi would like it." " I do!" "Is it the theme song of the worldwide Islamic caliphate?" "Very good." "So, let us sit." "Friends and family need not stand on ceremony." "Uzma, where's your mum?" "Oh, she's just in the..." "Salaam alaykum, Kashmina." "Mahmud." "So, let us talk about Rashid." "Yes." "He's, uh..." "He's a good boy, I think." "Though, um..." "As the holy Qur'an says..." "Says..." "Children are our only trial." "Not quite." "Your wealth and your children are only a trial." "With Allah-- with him is a great reward." "At-taghabun Ayah 15." "Of course, right?" "Yeah." "Come, now." "I do not expect everyone to know every hadith by heart." "No." "I don't even know "humpty dumpty" by heart." "All I need to be happy and content is to know that I'm among Muslims." "Oh." "Of course." "Of course." "And on that note, because, of course, we are here in the hope of sealing a happy event which may join our two families forever, you will forgive me the need of some inquiry." "Brother Arshad can trace his lineage back to Ibrahim ibn walid ibn abdallah, imam of medina of the 8th century." "I have to be careful in my position." "You will have seen the television cameras outside." "They have been chasing me since my arrival here in Brighton." "I must be on guard to preserve the dignity of the Al-Masri name." "Yeah, absolutely." "Yes." "Yes." "For example, a small Internet search reveals that you once wrote a letter to the local paper calling on Muslims to be more "moderate."" "Yeah, listen, that whole shia "shite" thing-- misprint." "You know, I got really upset about that." "Moderation is, of course, a good thing... in moderation." "But... this Western idea of the "moderate Muslim" " "That idea I completely reject!" "But then, I saw how you had changed." "How do you mean?" "Tariq." "What are you doing there, daddy?" "Yes, Nabi, good question." "Yes." "We've put the film on our website." "You have?" "43,000 hits and counting." " Insha'Allah." " Insha'Allah." "What Mahmud is doing, Nabi, is demonstrating that even a liberal, moderate Muslim can only be stretched so far." "Am I right, Mahmud?" "Absolutely." "So, Uzma and Rashid," "I give their marriage my blessing." "Let us celebrate." "Please, sing for us, brother Arshad." "No, no, no." "No, no, no." "Brother Arshad has a beautiful singing voice." "Ah." "Not really." "Please, Arshad Sahib, we would all love to hear you sing." "Well, well, well, just a little nasheed that my mother taught me." "Uh, I-I'll go and get that." "I'm sorry." "That was very nice." "I was really enjoying that." "Mr. Nasir?" "You are under arrest on suspicion of having performed actions in contravention to the racial and religious hatred act of 2006." "Yeah." "How dare you gatecrash my twins' big day, huh?" "!" "What were you planning to do, put Anthrax in the smoked salmon Sushi?" "!" "Come on, now, Mr. Nasir." "Yes, yes." "Sorry." "What is this man guilty of, exactly when the Jewish-controlled Western media produces offensive Islamophobic blasphemies?" "!" "Shouldn't a Muslim speak out about the treatment of his brothers by the zionist oppressors?" "!" "He wasn't speaking out!" "What happened to your precious freedom of expression, you hypocrites?" "!" "Whatever." "Burning a jew's hat, I'm afraid, constitutes religious hatred." "I must warn you, sir, anything you say will be taken down and used as evidence against you." "Anything?" "Yes, sir." "Everything." "I'm Jewish!" "What?" "What?" "What?" "I'm sorry." "What's that, sir?" "I'm Jewish." "I was born a Jew." "I just found out." "I was adopted..." "By Muslims." "Uzma!" "Well, I suppose that's all right, then, sir." "Well, is it?" "Well, yeah." "I mean, it's like that Jackie Mason fella." "He can take the piss out of Jews 'cause he's a Jew." "Wouldn't arrest him for it, would we?" "This is clearly nonsense, officer." "He doesn't even look Jewish." "Yes, he does." "What are you talking about?" "He's basically a schvartse." "Dad." "It's true." "I'm sorry." "No, no, no, please." "Come on." "Uzma!" "Uzma!" "Get inside, get inside." "All right, the rest of you, could you all kindly fuck off my premises!" "He's a live one, isn't he?" "What do you mean?" "How was I inciting racial hatred?" "Schvartse, sir." "I heard you say it." "How do you even know what it means?" "!" "Rash" "No." "Rashid!" "At least I'm not a shia." "Nabi." "Something at school today?" "Infidel." "For crying out loud." "I'm Jewish!" "I was born a Jew." "Jesus, Moses, and Allah." "I just found out." "I was adopted." "There were some astonishing scenes there." "Well, what do we make of them?" "Matthew, I think that this guy is multiculturalism made flesh." "He's a hero for our times, somebody that we have to use as a way" "This is the way we need to go forward." "We need to look at people like this and say," ""yes, you're proud and I'm proud of what you are." "You might look a certain way--"" "Not what I would say, if you were in his shoes, the poor guy." "It's not something that looked to me like..." "Hey, guys." "Hey, Mahmud." "I think this is where we're being very naive." "How's it going?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, good." "Yeah, yeah, right, yeah?" "Doing lovely, sir, good." "You all right?" "Where's wasif?" "Um..." "Handed in his notice." "Is there anyone else who can do his job?" "You need someone who really knows the roads." "All right, well, I..." "I might just... work from home today, then, shall I?" "Yeah." "G-good idea." "I'll go-- I'll go make some calls." "Some..." "This." "Mahmud." "Things will work out." "Insha'Allah." "What are you doing?" "I'm going to stay with my mum." "No, no." "Just put it away." "Just stay." "Let-- let go." "How long are you staying?" "I don't know." "Because I'm a Jew?" "No, Mahmud, because you lied to me" "Something you promised you would never do." "Daddy!" "Hey, my baby girl." "Hey." "Daddy?" "Yes?" "What is a Jew?" "Well, you know that nasty man on "the apprentice" with the beard?" "Get in the car." "And why did some naughty man put dog poo through our door because you are one?" "Hurry up!" "Who did that?" "I'll kill him." "Fucking kill him." "Excuse me, dad." "Yeah, but that's" "It doesn't matter what those morons think." "Rashid, hurry up!" "I loved her, dad." "I love her." "Rashid!" "I know." "I know, son." "And I can explain." "You don't understand." "My dad, my real dad-- To get to him," "I've got to try and prove that I'm some kind of" "Where's my dad?" "Where's my real dad?" "Enough already!" "Get away, man." "Fuck off!" "Come on, my friend." "Here we go." "Up." "There." "We got you." "Leytonstone, huh?" "Golders green." "Golders green?" "Yeah." "All right." "I want to see Izzy Shimshileewitz." "You can't." "Why not?" "Well, for one thing, it's not visiting hours." "And for another..." "I've done it, okay?" "I've told the world." "Whoo-hoo." "I'm a fat old Jew." "Have you had your pound of flesh?" "Huh?" "Have I jumped through enough Jew hoops?" "Have I ruined my Muslim life enough for you?" "!" "He can't stop-- not this prayer." "He's not allowed to." "It's Jewish law." "Oh, really?" "Oh, well, then I can go in here whenever I fucking like, eh?" "Eh?" "Whoo-hoo." "Look, I'm in." "I'm out." "I'm in." "I'm out." "Mahmud." "I'm really sorry." "But it's a prayer for the dead." "I'm so sorry." "Died a couple of hours ago." "He got your letter, though, your package." "I didn't send anything." "Perhaps you'd like to go in, sit in his room for a bit." "I know some of our recently bereaved relatives that can help a little." "Thank you." "Fuck!" "I'm Jewish!" "I was born a Jew." "I was adopted..." "By Muslims." "Mahmud, I-I'm-- I'm" " I'm sorry, man." "If I wasn't such a schmuck to that rabbi, if I had" "Forget it." "Besides..." "This gives you a big license to schmuck." "You could have used a different tape." "I wanted him to get it into the vcr right away." "Did you wipe the porn off?" "Fuck no." "I wanted him to die happy." "Look what he wrote on it." "He remembered it, then-- your name." "Well, that's-- that's something." "My life's still shot, though, isn't it?" "My family's left me." "My workmates hate me." "My son loves this girl that he can't marry 'cause I'm a big Jewish twat." "Why can't they just get married anyway?" "I mean, who cares what this Taliban moron says?" "Now, look, 'cause however modern Uzma is, however many Facebook friends she gets, however many Brazilians she, you know she just would never, ever shame her family." "That's what it's like being a fucking Paki." "A minute ago, you were a big Jewish twat." "I know, I know." "Tonight, on a channel 100 special, we ask the question," "Islamic clerics, such as Arshad Al-Masri" "Are they working for the good of their country, or are they dangerous fanatics driven by a desire to destroy our way of life?" "Hey." "So, uh..." "What are you doing?" "Running." "Are you, uh..." "Are you going to Al-Masri's lecture?" "Well, isn't Uzma gonna be there?" "Do you know how she's doing?" "Well, she's obviously really happy that because her mum is now too frightened to leave muhammad Al-fucking-Stalin, she will have to go with them to waziristan, where the women of her age legally have to wear a muzzle" "if they've still got a clitoris." "Okay, listen." "I'm going to this event, okay?" "I'm gonna stand up, and I'm gonna take Arshad on." "What?" "Yeah." "I've done some reading." "I've read the Qur'an." "I've read the old testament." " I think" " Are you mental?" "He knows this stuff backwards." "Do you really want to make a complete twat of yourself in front of the whole community again?" "Yeah, but, son, it's-- it's not exactly the whole community, is it?" "Oh, oh, it is." "Since your little moment on TV, it's not just the Wahhabi nutters who want to see Arshad." "No, no, no!" "Everyone's interested!" "Oh." "Dad, please." "Open your eyes." "Son, son." "My eyes." "They're starting about now-- the lecture." "Mum, forget it." "You know, Muna's gone." "Well, that's-- that's up to her." " But, Rashid" " Mum, we're not going." "Remember what he's done." "Look not at what a man has done, but what he hopes to do." "Who taught you that, Nabi?" "Daddy." "If that means refusing, speaking out against, even tearing down those aspects of Western culture which disgust and dismay the true believer, so be it." "Thank you." "Thank you very much, my brothers and sisters, of course." "Now, any questions?" "Yes?" "Brother Arshad, how can we support your cause?" "Well, by listening and acting on my words." "But also, if you wish, there are donations that can be made." "Details are available at the door." "Yes, brother?" "Tell us also, brother, how come you are so remarkably good..." " Mum, I'm gonna go and" " Wait, wait." "Have you seen Uzma?" " Rashid, look over there." " Where?" "That is very kind of you to say, brother." "Well, I have the advantage, of course, of coming from a long and eminent line of great Islamic preachers." "But who knows if I do them justice?" "Thank you very much." "Thank you very much." "So, if there are no further questions..." "Yes, holy sister?" "Question for brother Arshad." "Is it possible that you, being such a fantastic speaker, there's something you've forgotten..." "Which is..." "You're stretched it really badly now, you big knobhead." "Let me ask you this." "Why won't you let my son marry your stepdaughter?" "Well, well, if it isn't "Mahmud Nasir."" "Answer the question." "Mum, what is he doing?" "The holy Qur'an Al-baqarah Ayah 221" "Do not marry your girls to unbelievers." "Until they believe." "I beg your pardon?" "Well, that's how the Ayah continues." "An Islamic woman can marry any man who believes in Allah." "And my son believes in Allah." "And how can I believe in the son when I cannot believe in the father, hmm?" "Oh." "Welcome." "No, no, no, no." "Don't-- don't get up on the stage." "A bit harder." "And what are you today, brother?" "What is the..." "I am a Muslim." "Well, well, well, well." "Saying our holy words." "At-taghabun Ayah 73-- strive hard against the unbeliever." "I believe my shahada, because it's my Lord's prayer." "And you know what else I learned recently?" "The Jews have their own Lord's prayer." "You know what it's called?" "The shema." "What is he talking about?" "Do you know what Moses called God in the original Hebrew?" "Elah-- Allah, elah-- because it's the same God." "Very, very good, Mahmud." "You've learned some of the Qur'an by heart." "Mazeltov." "So, maybe you tell us, Mahmud, before all this delicate business about your parentage happened, how often did you go to the mosque?" "Five times a day I'll assume, surely." " Well..." " No?" "Oh, dear." "Devotion at home, then?" "I'll bet if you got your prayer mat out now, it would have two big holes in it from so much kneeling." "Yeah." "Not that, either?" "Tsk, tsk." "At least, I assume you kept yourself free of all pollution." "You're able to admit, aren't you, with your hand on the holy Qur'an, that alcohol has never passed your lips." "Hmm." "Okay, okay, my son." "I think you better step down now." "Yeah." "Yeah." "You can also add to that list." "I've lied..." "To the people I love the most." "I've been a poor father." "Been trying so hard to find myself that I forgot myself." "I forgot who I am, which is a husband and a father." "And, yes, I have not been the Muslim I should have been." "But who here has?" "Who here has, except for Arshad Al-Masri?" "And what is your name, solly?" "My name is Mahmud Nasir." "And for once, yes, for a very short period, it was solly Shimshileewitz." "And of that, I am no longer ashamed." "A good man, a good Muslim, should not just never lie about who he is, he should also never lie about who he was." "Oh, and, by the way, Arshad," ""strive hard against the unbelievers"-- it's Al-tawbah Ayah 73." "Here's the thing about our clerics." "Some of them really do teach us about the holy Qur'an." "And that's fantastic." "Some of them are out there, protecting our oppressed brothers and sisters." "And some of them are beardy, weirdy fuckers who make shit up!" "Now, listen, you." "I don't care about all your stupid arguments." "Get off of my stage!" "Your son will never marry my stepdaughter!" "Oh, what's that?" "What?" "What's that in your eye, that little spasm there?" "It's-- it's brought on by anger, isn't it?" "It's called a blepharospasm-- very rare." "Yeah." "Tell you what, why don't you just... close your eyes?" "In 1962 in Manchester, a baby boy was born." "His name was Jimmy Monassa, later to be known as Gary Page-- my favorite pop star." "Yeah." "Gary made one good album and a lot of shit ones." "This one in particular-- really shit." "Gary-- oh, fuck it." "Gary "died" about 10 years ago." "Yeah, at that time he was trying to avoid a few tax issues and nonpayment of child support to five kids from five different women." "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop, you fucking idiots!" "Fuck off, you fucking Paki!" "Now, his left eye, the blepharospasm." "Well done." "Oh, and by the way-- not that it matters-- just so you know, Mr. and Mrs. Monassa-- scientologists." "Come here, you crazy, crazy man." "That's my dad." "Yep." "That's my dad." "Dad, that was class." "How did you know?" "I know." "It's when he came out and sang that song." "I'd" " I'd know that tone anywhere." "But it wasn't until you told me to open my eyes, son." "Thanks, my son." "Hey." "Hey!" "Liverpool street." "Liverpool street." "Anyone?" "Liverpool street." "Liverpool fucking motherfucking street station!" "Anyone!" "For fuck's sake!" "I can't hear you." "I'm pinned up in here." "I'm never using this company again." "Right, sorry." "Yeah." "Yeah, I'd like a car to Lancaster, please." "Mahmud, where are you?" "You-- you give me this job and then you don't show up yourself, you schmuck." "In fact, I'd like three cars, like you're supposed to have sorted?" "It's today, Lenny!" "Today!" "You schmucking twat." "Mmm!" "Are you all right?" "Oh, Mahmud, Mahmud." "Oh, my God, Mahmud, are you okay?" "Somebody come and help." "Come and help." "Hey." "Muslim enough for you?" "Actually wasn't that bad, you know?" "Hmm." "I quite enjoyed it, being a Jew." "What was that?" "What was what?" "What was that?" "What?" "What?" "That you did-- you did-- you did a big... gesture, big-nose gesture when you said "Jew."" " I did not." " You did, too." "No, I was just doing a-- It's a friendly wave." "Who were you waving at?" "What?" "Who were you waving at?" "I was waving at you." "Hey." "You see, no, you haven't learned a thing." "You-- you-- you did the big-nose mime, the schnozzle mime." "That's what you did." "It's-- it's-- it's all anti-semitism with Jews." "You know that?" "It's true." "Asking to move your cab is anti-semitic." "You know, I do a wave at you, I'm Hitler." "I invite you to my son's wedding, and what do you do?" "You know, if you're gonna be anti-semitic, at least stop sounding so Jewish." "Ha!" "There you go again!" "What?" "There you go again!" " What?" " You-- what is it with you people?" " I don't understand." " I don't understand." "You are "you people." That's why you have a big nose." "That's" " No, there's nature and there's nurture." "This nose-- big, yes, but it was made in Pakistan." "It's not Jewish." "You know, yeah." "That's-- that's right." "It was made in Pakistan." "It's not Jewish because it doesn't have enough suffering to be a real Jewish nose." "You're actually very racist." " You're very racist." "You know that?" " I am not racist." "I'm saying that my nose is a real Jewish nose." "You don't even know about you." "You have some papers that say you're Jewish." "I don't care if I have a Jewish nose." " Who knows if you're really Izzy's son?" " I don't know that." "Let me tell you something." "Your cockney accent is shite."