"[Music playing]" "[Music playing]" "RUSSIAN TECHNICIAN:" "It's him." "We're doomed." "Don't worry." "The wind is taking him out in another direction." "It looks like a hang-gliding school." "Sound the alarm." "[Beeps]" "[Alarm]" "Shred all documents." "Use the self-destruct button and prepare to jump." "[Alarm]" "[Music playing]" "[Explosion]" "[Explosion]" "[Music - brenda, "flyaway"]" "CAR DEALER:" "Nice doing business with you, Mr. Watson." "Remember, the warranty ends when you drive off our lot." "Here are the keys to your new car." "[Cackle]" "[Music playing, rattling engine]" "[Choking, coughs]" "[RATTLING, GRINDING, MUSIC PLAYING]" "[Siren, backfires, rattling]" "LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):" "I'm Lampshade, a dog." "[Siren, backfires, rattling]" "He's Peter, a nerd." "All people are nerds." "[Police radio chatter]" "[Backfire]" "[Backfires, rattling]" "Good evening, Commander." "I have assigned you, Lieutenant Karin, you, Major Pastovich," "My most lethal weapons to find the Professor" "And the life extension formula and bring them back to Moscow." "We will not fail on our mission, Commander." "We are dedicated." "We'll do whatever our mission requires." "I'm sure that you will, Anya." "Eh, Lieutenant Karin." "With the formula, we can double the strength of a man," "Freeze his body, and bring him back to life" "Any time in the future." "Now the Professor has a sister in California." "We think that he went there with the formula." "We will berth at [inaudible] Ultravich at 19:00 hours." "[Music playing]" "[Bubbling]" "[Music playing]" "Interrogation had revealed that the Professor had himself" "Frozen in a cow's carcass." "This is the Ultravich, a nuclear-powered, 190-foot long" "Submarine limo, complete with exercise" "Room, bowling lanes, arcade game room, and a top-side cafe." "A little army of fearless fighters" "Will be under your command, Major Petrovich." "The world's smallest limo is housed" "In the rear of the Ultravich." "The Ultravich can descend 22,000 fathoms undetected." "A word of caution, this Mr. Peter Lawson" "Has accidentally fouled six of our missions." "Bond was a pussy cat compared to him." "Perhaps he works for the British Intelligence?" "He definitely works for CIA." "He looks CIA." "RUSSIAN SCIENTIST:" "Note the way he dresses and his dog." "We suspect that it's an ingenious cover-up disguise" "Their true CIA identity." "LIEUTENANT KARIN:" "And who is this lady?" "RUSSIAN SCIENTIST:" "This is an old photo of the Professor's" "Sister taken in Los Angeles." "That's it." "The Professor and the life-extension formula," "It's our number one concern." "This Peter Lawson does not worry me." "[Ship's horn]" "[Rattling chains]" "Ooh." "[Screams]" "[Clang, clatter]" "[Siren]" "Ow." "(PAINFULLY) Let me see your driver's license." "OK." "Let me see his license." "Oh, he doesn't drive, sir." "The dog license." "LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):" "I hope he doesn't call the station," "Or I'm de-pooped." "Central." "POLICE DISPATCH (ON RADIO):" "This is Central, go ahead." "I have a possible DPV suspect in custody." "POLICE DISPATCH (ON RADIO):" "Roger, unit 2," "There is warrant." "Bring him in." "10-4." "All right, put out your paws." "Not you, stupid, the mutt." "You're not taking Lampshade?" "15 poopy violations." "LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):" "I knew it." "Now, come on." "Right here." "You have a right to remain silent." "Anything you say will be used against you in a court of law." "You have a right to an attorney." "If you can't afford one, the court will provide one for you" "By the state." "Do you understand that, mister?" "LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):" "Yeah." "Do you understand this?" "[Sniffing] Oh." "That's 16 poopy violations." "[Motorcycle revving]" "[Siren]" "[Music playing]" "Mr. Simpson, I'm sorry I'm lazy." "I need a job." "Just, uh, just sign in." "I, uh, I, I, I just don't, I, I don't know" "What I'm going to do with you." "I don't know where to, where we're going to place you," "You know?" "Eh." "You know, the Mexican government is, is very upset." "You, you, uh, you totally destroyed" "A factory in East LA, where, where 4,000 illegal aliens worked." "But that, that was an accident, honest." "They aren't... hold it!" "There are no accidents." "Acc... accidents are, are caused by, by, by man, not by," "By animals." "Oh, um, my, my dog, Lampshade, had an accident." "Actually, 16 to be exact." "Heh, ha heh." "Stop that!" "This is not a laughing matter, no." "You, you flooded a, a, a fudge factory." "Yeah." "Yeah, and you, you shredded meaningful IRS top audits." "And then you dumped a truck full of turkeys," "Ready for slaughter, off the Harbor Drawbridge." "But they all got away safely." "Do you know what it is not to eat turkey on Thanksgiving?" "No." "I, I don't eat turkeys." "Gah, it is people like you that have mad man turn to animals." "But you know what?" "It, it, it's [laughs] it's your lucky day. [Laughs] Yeah." "You see, because I've got, I got the perfect job for you." "A bedpan handlers job for you." "And that, that, that's open at the, uh, at," "Uh, Sweet Dreams Rest Home." "Now, before you leave, I want to tell you something." "I don't like you." "No." "I don't ever want to see you in my office again," "Because I really, really, really don't like you." "I really don't." "Oh, god almighty!" "Give me, give me the ink." "Give me the ink." "Please, just, just take it out." "Here, go, go." "Oh, god." "I guess I could call him Inky." "Oh, jeez." "[Moaning]" "[Comical music playing]" "[BACKFIRES, RATTLING, MUSIC PLAYING]" "Yeah, listen to me, buster!" "No one screws up around here." "No one even gets fired from here." "They just disappear, understand?" "Yes, sir." "I mean, ma'am." "I'll work really hard." "I just want to get my dog out of jail." "Get cracking!" "And start collecting!" "Understand?" "[Music playing]" "Wonderful!" "Wonderful!" "Oh, and a one and a two." "[Music playing]" "Whoa, look out!" "Oh." "Whoa!" "Ahh!" "[Screams]" "[Groans]" "[Shouts, barking]" "Ooh." "Oh." "Oy." "[Growls]" "[Siren]" "[BACKFIRES, RATTLING, MUSIC PLAYING]" "Hey, that's my bike." "Come back here you scumbag!" "Come back here with my bike." "[sobbing] That was my bike." "You come back here with my... ooh!" "I hate you." "Ooh, my [guttural whines]" " Ah, what's that?" " Ahh!" "Ahh." "Oh." "Oh." "Jennifer, if you don't find a rich man in there," "I'm going to send you back to your evil, no-good relatives" "In Moscow." "Granny, all I want is a simple, funny guy who needs me" "And who I can sit with by a fire and watch a ready log burn." "A ready log?" "What you need is an afternoon on "Love Connection."" "Now go in and do it." "[Comical music playing]" "[Background conversation]" "Let's go off to Tahiti, my darling." "Oh, ho ho, ah." "Ah." "Oh." "Oh, what spunk." "Do it again." "LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):" "Wow, if she" "Were a dog, we'd be in heat." "[Cooing]" "Ah." "LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):" "I love the view." "But more, more." "Ah!" "[Screams]" "[Shouts]" "LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):" "What a bod." "I wish I weren't a dog." "[BACKFIRES, RATTLING, MUSIC PLAYING]" "LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):" "Holy cow, what's that?" "[Moaning cow sounds]" "Lampshade, he's alive." "We've got to get him to a dairy." "Oh, come on, oh." "Oh, ah, ugh, oh!" "Lampshade, get help." "Lampshade." "[Fake russian]" "Lampshade, get help." "You [fake russian]." "This is her house." "We your trouble, I am grateful." "Bye." "Thank you very much." "For both the readings, ooh, I make" "You such a deal, $227, no tax." "[Thud]" "Ahh." "Ahh!" "No." "No, look, I did not mean it." "Never again will I overcharge anybody." "Abracadabra, oy, oy, you stay away from me." "You, you stay away." "I call the police." "Ooh, a cow with a face like that, who would believe?" "It's me, sister." "Me?" "Who me?" "Your brother." "My brother is in Russia." "I escaped." "You?" "Yuri!" "The same." "Ooh." "Your skin." "1,000 times I tell you, my darling, Oil of Olay." "It's a disguise." "I escaped in a meat locker as a cow." "Ha ha, such an imagination you have always had." "It's true." "I was cryogenically frozen." "The suit has not thawed from my skin yet." "Of course it hasn't, my darling." "You come, I fix you some borscht, then we talk sense." "Now, you're talking." "[Pinging, music playing]" "We should reach the port Los Angeles at 23:00 hours." "Karin, let me show you around Los Angeles." "I know of many hot clubs." "I was here before the war, you know." "That is very kind of you, but the mission" "Is first and very dangerous and we could get spotted." "You're right." "Say, we picked up a girl skin-diving near Pearl Harbor." "She's singing with the band in the lounge." "Would you like to go listen to her?" "No, thanks." "I'm going to take a plunge and then" "Mail a letter to my mother." "And how are you going to mail a letter?" "We are in the middle of the Pacific." "I have my ways." "Golly gee, Granny, there's a cow in our oven." "Yuri, this is your adopted niece, Jennifer." "His left brain is still frozen, he tells me." "Aha ha." "Smell, Jennifer, smell." "It's worth smelling." "Smell." "Mm." "Mm." "[Laughs]" "Bon apetit, Jennifer." "Nice cow." "Yeah, you too, Yuri." "[MUSIC PHYZICLE, "BODY CHEMISTRY"]" "Go out of there." "[MUSIC PHYZICLE, "BODY CHEMISTRY"]" "Ahh!" "[MUSIC PHYZICLE, "BODY CHEMISTRY"]" "Get out of here." "[MUSIC PHYZICLE, "BODY CHEMISTRY"]" "Blink and I miss her." "My eye!" "COOK (ON TV):" "But you say po-tayto, and I'll say po-tato." "[Laughter]" "COOK (ON TV):" "Let's cook the whole thing up." "One ton tomato, I'll eat one ton tomato." "[Laughter] Mm." "COOK (ON TV):" "Six bars of french fries..." "[Laughter]" "COOK (ON TV):" "special dino sauce." "[BACKFIRES, RATTLING, MUSIC PLAYING]" "[Crunching]" "[Screams]" "[Rock music on TV]" "[Short, silence]" "Well, goodnight, Lampshade." "Someday, I'll be a famous rock star." "LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):" "Yeah, if you" "Don't burn up this place first." "[Pings, music playing]" "[Fake russian]." "Our mission to find the Professor begins." "Our maps are old." "We must get a new one." "But where?" "In Redondo Beach?" "Perhaps in Beverly Hills they might have just what we need." "Drive on." "[Music playing]" "PETROVICH:" "Perhaps in there, Lieutenant Karin." "Very good, Petrovich." "It will save time if you park and I get the map." "Ahh!" "Lieutenant Karin, I don't think either of us" "Is going to find a map in this den of" "Capitalistic American piggery." "I will wait outside." "Having trouble with your timepiece, Petrovich?" "Mar Vista, Inglewood, Santa Monica, Venice." "Venice?" "These Americans, they'll stop at nothing." "Now they're buying cities from the Italians." "It is huge, Petrovich." "More people than in a Russian toilet paper line." "Petrov." "It's him, Peter Lawson." "Ooh what?" "No." "What on Earth?" "[Romantic music playing]" "PETER LAWSON (VOICEOVER):" "I wonder if she's smiling at me?" "Nah, couldn't be." "[Music playing]" "LIEUTENANT KARIN:" "We can't tell Moscow that this Peter found" "The Professor before we did." "Oh, we will look like idiots." "In 10 seconds, we will penetrate" "The American motor vehicle system giving" "Us complete identification." "Go." "This can't be." "These Americans." "Their idiot television stations, they have" "Short-circuited our equipment." "[Laughter]" "Vodka California style." "[Laughs] Hey, screw the Kremlin." "[Laughter]" "PETER LAWSON (VOICEOVER):" "There she is again." "I wonder if she even knows I'm alive." "I wish I could bump into her." "Ahh!" "[Scream]" "[Crash, thud]" "[Scream]" "[Scream]" "Oh." "Oof." "Bonkers!" "Are you OK?" "I, I think so." "I feel so bad." "It was all my fault." "It's OK." "It's OK." "Are you sure, Peter?" "You, you know my name." "I found it on the patients' bathroom wall." "It was part of a poem." "Oh yeah?" "Uh huh." "Huh." "Well, that's OK." "[Whistle blowing]" "I'm sorry for getting us into trouble with the head matron." "I don't know what I would have done if I lost you your job." "Well, it wasn't your fault." "[Yips]" "There's Lampshade." "I think we've met." "Well, see you tomorrow." "See you tomorrow" "Goodnight." "Goodnight." "[Backfires, rattling]" "Bye." "Bye." "We're going to get it." "Where are we going?" "To the hotel." "Then why are you taking me in the pool entrance?" "Shh, we're on a secret mission." "The Kremlin would never approve of such a place." "Petrovich, this is the only one room" "Available in all Beverly Hills." "Did you mean one room?" "Yes." "Then we'll take it." "[Music playing]" "I love Beverly Hills." "Everyone is a millionaire." "[Music playing]" "Eahh!" "[Music playing]" "[Crunch]" "Ahh!" "Oh, it's such a beautiful day, Peter." "Just look at the trees, the birds, the air," "The flowers, the asphalt." "It's wonderful." "You know what, Peter?" "Let's get our lunches and have a picnic." "[Muffled shouts]" "Then after, I can read you one of my poems." "Ahh!" "Ooh." "[Shouts]" "OK." "Thou, my name is Jennifer." "Whenever you are near, I hear the name, sweet Juliet," "Ringing gently in my ear." "That was so beautiful." "JENNIFER GREENBERG:" "I just knew you'd like it." " Pew." " Uh gah." "JENNIFER GREENBERG:" "Know something else, Peter?" "[Retching]" "I have a surprise." "LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):" "If she means any more poems," "I'm going to poop right here and now." "That will be a real surprise." "I won them in a radio contest." "I had to guess how many stars were on the American flag." "Wow." "[Laughs] I want you to come, too, Peter." "How y'all doing?" "Good." "[Background voices]" "How was your steak?" "DINER:" "Oh, it was really good." "Now my name is Pierre." "I'm the maitre d' here." "Now, the specialities of the day du chef or the store," "We got escargots on the half-shell," "We got fresh leek and leaky soup." "And we have fresh I-do-fish." "Now, for the entrees, we have some baked cockroach," "Cocka-roast." "We have some some grilled lamb-a-lops... they Cajun-style." "Then we has Amazonian whitefish." "It's actually black, though." "And we have some goat au naturel." "That's prepared at your tables." "You can open your menu, honey." "Uh, do you have a cheeseburger?" "Cheeseburger?" "If you wanted a cheeseburger, you" "Should have went to McDonald's." "[Crash]" "Hey." "Peter." "I'm so glad I found you." "Me, too." "I've always dreamed of being with somebody" "Just like you, Peter." "Can I tell you something, Peter?" "Ahh!" "[Crash]" "I've had one other boyfriend before you," "But it lasted only a week." "And he was big and burly and a biker." "And he tried to attack me on a pool table." "Ahh!" "Oh." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "Oh." "Tell me about yourself, Peter." "You seem like the quiet and shy type." "Heh, see, you are shy." "Ahem, I'm not." "I'm just trying to clear my throat..." "I mean my voice." "Are you dating anybody else?" "No." "Not since that lady lion tamer I met through computer dating." "[MUSIC LINDA LAWLEY, "LET THE LOVE BEGIN"]" "[Laughter]" "Hey, Ben?" "Hm?" "Over in that, uh, that cafe over there," "Isn't that your old lady?" "Looks like they're having a pretty good time over there." "Aren't you going to do something about it?" "No, I'm going to sit here and let them have fun." "Well, let's get them." "Cool that, I'll handle this myself." "[BACKFIRES, RATTLING, MUSIC PLAYING]" "[Crunch]" "Eeh!" "[Music on TV]" "Oh, would you like some more milk?" "No, thank you." "[Knocking]" "Who is it?" "BIKER BEN:" "You got my Jennifer in there!" "[Banging on door]" "Ah, it's Ben." "There's nobody here." "BIKER BEN:" "OK!" "There ain't nobody here either!" "[Scream]" "[Scream]" "Errh!" "Gyah!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Ah-hah!" "[Whimpering] Oh." "Oh, no, senior." "Por favor?" "Gyah." "[Music playing]" "JENNIFER GREENBERG:" "Ben, no!" "Stop." "Ben, no!" "[Scream]" "Rarrh." "[Scream]" "[Scream]" "[Grunts]" "Oh, so, Zelda, how's by you?" "You have to ask?" "I haven't seen you in weeks." "Well, come on in and visit." "Must be that earthquake they was talking about." "And never come back!" "Never, never, never, never, never, ever!" "Not even once?" "Never!" "You want him that bad?" "He's yours!" "But if you get hitched to that geek, I want an invite." "Or I'll be back." "[Whimper]" "Oh, Peter, you're bleeding." "Tip your head back and close your eyes." "Close your eyes." "Where can I find a place to hide this formula?" "Oh, Peter, I'm so excited." "You're finally going to get to meet Granny." "Granny?" "Mm, smells like lunch." "Holy smoke." "[Coughing] Uncle!" "[Coughing]" "Uncle!" "[Coughing]" "What happened?" "Ah." "Oh." "[Coughing]" "Is it, is it hot in here or is it just me?" "LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):" "Hey, what have we got here?" "It looks like a hard piece of candy." "PROFESSOR:" "What in the world is this?" "LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):" "Pretty chewy, though." "[Coughing]" "Ahh!" "Ohh!" "Honey!" "I just saw Al Jolson." "[Coughing]" "Peter, we've got to go after him." "[Coughing]" "Let's go!" "We have only one choice." "And that is?" "We must search the entire city to find the exact location" "Where this picture was taken." "Impossible." "Do you have any idea how huge this city is?" "We will die of old age long before the Commander" "Can have us shot." "Then we shall die as the valiant KGB agents" "That we are, Lieutenant Karin, sworn to stamp out life," "Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" "Wherever it raises its ugly head." "JENNIFER GREENBERG:" "Granny is going to be so upset with me" "For letting him out of the house, Peter." "PETER LAWSON:" "Jennifer, I just saw your uncle." "JENNIFER GREENBERG:" "Where?" "There." "Peter, you're right." "I know you." "But Granny, he didnt' mean to break anything." "I just wanted him to meet you." "And now that I have met him, he can get out." "But Granny, Peter's my boyfriend." "All the more reason for him to get out." "You are going to marry a rich, old goat," "And that's all there is to it." "And as for you, you, you, you dummy" "Mummy, out, out, out, out, out." "PETER LAWSON:" "But I can be an old goat." "GRANNY GREENBERG:" "Out!" "Search entire city, he tells me." "First, I get thrown against a wall by a mammoth head nurse." "Then I get throw through a wall by a jealous biker." "Oh, what's the use." "Petrovich, look." "There is the car." "Turn out the lights." "You'll give us away." "Tonight, I get thrown in the street by a fortune teller," "Just because I love Jennifer." "What's next?" "Pull over to that building." "You have done very well, Lieutenant Karin." "We better get the guns." "Spasiba." "[Crash]" "Ahh!" "[Roaring shout]" "[Roars, screeches]" "Lampshade, it's an earthquake." "I'll protect you." "[Gunshots]" "[Scream]" "That's the Blobs." "They must have eaten a big meal." "Now is not the best time, Petrovich." "Then when?" "Leave it to me." "If I can become his friend, his bodyguards" "Will be no trouble at all." "And how do you propose to do that?" "I have my ways, Petrovich." "Maybe I should go back and kidnap Jennifer." "We could run to Brazil and be happy." "SALESLADY:" "It's nice, very nice." "So when's the big day?" "Soon." "When you get the dress done." "It shouldn't take no more than a couple of days." "Oy, a couple of days." "You fool, what are you doing?" "This is a very elegant boutique, custom-made dresses." "Perhaps you should go to Kmart." "Oh, I can tell that your future is not too fantastic." "At least I have a future, darlink." "Oh, bitch." "Hmph." "No, this is not my grandpapa either." "Mr. Comber's our last patient." "I, I think we've seen everybody." "For years, I have searched for him." "[Sob]" "And my search ended here." "Now even this, it's a dead end." "[Sobbing]" "Ohh." "But you've been so kind to me, to show me all of the patients." "It would mean so much to me if we could talk for just a little" "Longer." "Ohh." "Not here." "Someplace where I can talk of my sadness in private." "Perhaps, your home?" "I don't have a home." "I have an apartment." "It's not much." "You are the movie..." "How do you call... buff?" "No." "[Clatter]" "I just like movies." "Oh, what a beautiful doggie." "Yeah, that's my dog, Lampshade." "Lampshade." "How are you, Lampshade." "[Whimpers]" "She's very beautiful." "Your girlfriend?" "She was." "It sounds like we both have troubled stories." "No?" "No." "I have a suggestion." "I will order us a little something." "We could drown our sorrows." "LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):" "What a fox." "If you don't score, I'll forget I'm a dog." "And because my grandpapa and I were very close," "I had always hoped that someday I would find him." "When I lost Lampshade, I got him back from the dog pound." "Has anyone ever told you how attractive you are?" "Well, my mother did, once." "Oh." "I'm sorry, I could not help myself." "Peter, perhaps you have seen my grandpapa and not even know it." "He's a big man, with a big bushy mustache and wild eyes." "And sometimes he dresses like a, like a cow." "The Professor." "There, you have seen him." "Where?" "I can't tell." "But why?" "I promised him." "He said he was a famous Russian?" "Russian." "Russian." "Yeah, bingo." "Yeah, a famous Russian scientist, and that he invented" "The formula... was typical uhh." "Oh, Peter, these are the words of a sick grandfather." "Now, you must tell me." "Tell me." "Ahh." "The idiot, he passed out on me before I can" "Get any information out of him." "But I got this." "He was involved with her." "Perhaps she can tell us something." "COMMANDER (ON RADIO):" "Lieutenant Karin, Agent Petrovich?" "Here." "COMMANDER (ON RADIO):" "It's about time." "I have been trying to contact you for quite a while." "We've been very involved, Commander." "COMMANDER (ON RADIO):" "I'm sure you have Lieutenant Karin." "I assume you've located the Professor by now." "No, Commander." "Yes, Commander." "But we have located someone who can possibly give" "Us that information, Commander." "COMMANDER (ON RADIO):" "Possibly?" "We will not fail on our mission, Commander." "COMMANDER (ON RADIO):" "Good." "You have less than 72 hours before I must tell my superiors" "Of the success of your mission." "I shouldn't have to remind you of the consequences" "If you should not complete your assignment in that time." "Yes, Commander." "No, Commander." "Yeah?" "I don't mind him." "Has anybody here seen Peter?" "Oh, what?" "Have you seen Peter?" "Eh, you might ask that blonde he" "Walked out here with yesterday." "Blonde?" "[Cackling]" "Legs like a movie star." "Legs like a palomino race horse." "Ah, yes, breasts like Matterhorns." "He's probably on his way to Tahiti by now." "[Scream]" "Jumping jelly beans, what did she do to him?" "Oh, Peter, I never should have left you alone." "Ah." "Anna?" "Anna?" "Huh?" "Jennifer, where did she go?" "I don't know where she went." "And I'm never, never, never, never, never, never, never," "Never going to see you again." "LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):" "Yeah, but do women" "Who say never always mean it?" "Jennifer, I can explain." "Best Social Security check I ever spent." "Has anybody seen... did anybody see Jennifer?" "Heh heh." "Well, you might ask that blonde you walked" "Out of here with yesterday." "Ah, yes, lips like a movie star." "[Laughter]" "And do you, Jennifer Greenberg, take" "This man to be your wedded husband," "For richer or for poorer?" "For richer." "MINISTER:" "In sickness and in health," "For better or for worse, so long as you both shall live?" "I, I, I..." "look, I." "She does." "Get, get on with it." "[Gasps]" "And do you?" "Ahh." "My Lord, I think he's gone." "Gone?" "What's, what's happened?" "What have you done now?" "You?" "Yoo-hoo?" "Wake up." "You're not getting out of it this easy." "Oy vey!" "I might have known it." "$25 million big ones right down the old chute, thanks to you," "You clutzy person." "You touched something." "What did you do?" "[Sobbing] That's mine. [Sobbing]" "I'll alert the nurses' station." "Granny, I'm sorry." "[Sobbing]" "Now, she'll never forgive me." "I keep letting her down." "Better her than you." "If you marry this one instead of the one you really want." "I'll handle Granny." "Oh, thanks uncle." "I saved your life, friend." "With her body, you would never have" "Lasted through the honeymoon." "Well, I guess, Lampshade, it's just you and I now." "There you are, Peter." "Jennifer." "I've been looking everywhere for you." "I thought you'd be in Tahiti by now." "Mr. Elliot didn't make it through the wedding." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Please don't be mad at me." "I was only marrying him for Granny's gallstones." "What about you and Anna?" "I was just trying to help her find her lost grandfather." "How could I have ever thought you would do anything wrong?" "Jennifer, would you?" "Hot plate." "Thanks, Amy." "Would you?" "Yes, Peter?" "Would you mar, mm, mar, mar?" "Yes?" "Mar, mar, mar, mar, mm." "Would you marry me?" "Yes!" "Oh, yes!" "Let's go tell Granny." "[Shouts, shrieks]" "Oh, look at those nice stalls." "Can you stop?" "PETROVICH:" "Are you serious?" "We are on a mission." "The last woman that hit me is making icicles in Siberia." "LIEUTENANT KARIN:" "Petrovich, look." "PETROVICH:" "Yeah." "Until we receive our orders, we will" "March to our favorite Stalin [inaudible]." "Left face, forward march." "Right, left, right, left, right, left, halt." "About face." "Forward march, right, left, right," "Left, right, left, right, left." "Halt, about face." "Forward march, right, left, right," "Left, right, left, right, left." "Halt, about face." "Forward march." "Right, left, right, left, right, left, halt." "The formula must have fallen on the floor somewhere." "Where is it?" "I never give readings during Yom Kippur." "In your case, a special." "Let us all join hands." "Listen, ain't it kind of bright in here." "Oh, yeah, the lights." "Ooh, I'm getting something." "Don't you feel the vibrations now." "Ahh, ah." "He's here." "Ah, ah, I felt him." "GRANNY GREENBERG:" "Of course you did." "Norman?" "Is, is is that really you?" "Norman?" "It is I." "Norman, you are here." "Cousin Anna-Silvia and Cousin Myrtle are here with me, too." "Norman, are you happy..." "I mean, on the other side?" "Tickled." "I bring messages from Shirley MacLaine." "CUSTOMER:" "Ah, I am so glad." "Let's go to Death Valley for out honeymoon." "Great idea." "Ahh." "Out with him." "Ahh." "Oh!" "You phony fraud." "Oh, I'm calling the Better Business Bureau." "And they'll lock you up and your phony," "Crystal, stinking bowling ball." "Let's go, girls." "[Barking, whimpering]" "He's not getting out, Granny." "Pete and I love each other." "Him?" "Look at him." "My old laundry goes up looking better than he does coming in." "Can he give you the things that I want?" "No." "Now you go." "Go now." "I've got to find another rich man for her to marry." "Money isn't everything, Granny." "No?" "Tell that to my bookie." "[Music box playing]" "If you marry him, you will have nothing, nothing, nyet." "You will eat Corn Flakes three times a day, nothing kosher." "[Music box playing]" "What?" "What is this?" "[Music box playing]" "You?" "When the communists destroyed your home in the Ukraine," "I found this in the rubble." "[Music box playing]" "For three years, my Alexei saved to buy me this music box." "We had nothing." "But you had love." "Jennifer, Peter, I give you my blessing." "I" "Now get out there and enjoy yourselves." "I promise, Miss Granny, I'll take really good care of her." "Let's celebrate." "Dino burgers for everyone on me." "Come on." "No, no, no, Yuri, I, I stay." "I, I have work to do." "Lieutenant Karin, look." "I am looking." "Not there, over there." "[Backfires, rattling]" "Don't let them suspect you." "Don't worry." "Tailing was my specialty in KGB school." "Oh, look, Peter, there's a funny little car" "Driven by a funny little man." "Where?" "In the rear-view mirror." "He's spotted us." "Idiot." "But how?" "[Coughing]" "We've got to hide." "It's the KGB." "Where are we going?" "I think I know the perfect hiding place." "Good." "LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):" "Wow, those are damn big dogs." "Peter, what is this place?" "Well, it used to be an old storage place," "But I thought that it would be a good place" "To hide here in the dinosaur." "LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):" "Ahh, pttt, oh, that tasted terrible." "Aha." "The microfilm, office the formula," "That's what they're after." "It can double the strength of a man, can freeze his body," "Send him back in time." "Fool." "We've lost them." "They will try to get to me through you." "They will stop at nothing to get the formula" "For the life extension back." "Wow." "Yes, I have no choice." "I must give myself up." "All is not lost." "She is his niece." "When the time is right, we will take her hostage" "And force the Professor to give himself up." "I tell you what, you keep this." "Because then, America will have the formula," "And they will have an equal advantage," "In case they make me talk." "Then you and Jennifer can have a future together." "Attention." "Attention, our orders are to kidnap Jennifer at her wedding." "I now pronounce you man and wife." "[Clapping, shouts]" "Come on." "Come on." "Come on." "[Growling shouts]" "Ah." "Oh, Jennifer, congratulations." "You look so beautiful." "Your dress is lovely and so white." "Are you a virgin?" "Yes." "So am I." "Oh." "[Music playing]" "Shh." "Keep quiet, I said." "Now." "Why don't you shut up, darling, and mind your own business?" "Granny." "Come, darling." "Granny, nothing, darling." "Drink up, you're going to need it, you know." "[SHOUTS, SOUNDS OF CONFUSION AND STRUGGLE]" "[Screaming]" "[Sounds of blows]" "[SOUNDS OF CONFUSION AND STRUGGLE]" "Get the girl. [Whistle]" "You, you're not getting my Jennifer." "You can't do it alone." "You need our help." "You've all been so great to us." "You never once complained with all the accidents" "We had, even when Lampshade would eat your desserts" "Or when we played loud music on the night shift." "Now I have a responsibility now." "And that's Jennifer." "And I'm on a mission." "I'm on a mission?" "Heh heh ha." "You're on mission?" "The only mission you're on is getting back to bed." "Ben, please get out of my way." "I don't want to hurt you." "Ahaha ha ha ha, you don't want to hurt me?" "Suck on this." "Ben, Jennifer's in danger." "Let me pass." "No, you're the one who is in danger!" "Looks like I'm going to have to throw you through another wall." "Ben, I'm getting mad." "Get out of my way." "Well, here we go again." "Gyah." "How come he doesn't go through the wall?" "Ben, I'm really, really getting mad." "Well, frankly, Peter, I don't give a damn." "For the last time, Ben, get out of my way." "Well, here we go again." "Ow!" "Ahhh!" "Ahh!" "Yeagh!" "Oh, oh god." "Don't move, buster, or I'll hit you so hard," "I'll knock your buttons loose." "Now the two of you make up." "I could have beaten you if it wasn't for these walls." "Listen here, sonny, we're old, but we're tough." "We love you and Jennifer." "And we're going." "Have you got it?" "For the first time, tell us where is the Professor hiding?" "I'll never tell you, never, never, never, never," "Never, never, never, never." "You will." "We're going to give you the ultimate torture." "Take her to video arcade games." "You have video games in this limo?" "And, and I won't be able to play?" "No." "No." "No." "No!" "Oh." "[Music playing]" "Let's get them!" "We're with you!" "Yeah, let's go!" "Go!" "[MUSIC STAN BUSH, "SHE'S A LITTLE DANGEROUS"]" "ANNOUNCER (ON TV):" "And the Russians are leading" "By a whomping a 15 lanes." "The Russians have always had a superior showing." "The Americans have remained the second runner-up." "Wait, I can't believe my eyes." "The Americans are gaining now by half a league, now a league." "And here come the Russians again." "I can't believe it, what a race." "The Americans are gaining now." "You should be firing at them instead of watching TV games." "But it's Friday." "Nobody works on Friday at home." "If you don't go on top of the limo immediately," "You will be left here in Los Angeles." "Yeah!" "Pass the popcorn." "[Celbratory shouts]" "Where is Petrovich?" "He will make you obey." "You don't want to know." "He's in the master suite with Putskin, our mechanic." "We should blast a bunch of them off." "And win with a landslide." "[MUSIC STAN BUSH, "SHE'S A LITTLE DANGEROUS"]" "[Moaning]" "You should be ashamed of yourself, Petrovich." "Report to the bridge in 45 minutes." "You'll be called [inaudible] and turned over to Americans." "Hm, Putskin, 45 minutes, I know a place" "We can hide for one last quickie." "[MUSIC STAN BUSH, "SHE'S A LITTLE DANGEROUS"]" "COMPUTER (ON INTERCOM):" "Evacuate." "Evacuate." "Malfunction in steering and throttle controls." "Approaching cliff." "[Video game sounds]" "Peter?" "Thank god, I found you, and you're OK." "Peter, it's you." "I thought I'd never see you again." "We got to get off somehow." "I know, but can't it wait till we get into our own bed?" "No." "I mean, yes." "I mean we've got to get off this limo." "It's going over the edge." "OK, OK." "But do you have a quarter?" "I just want to play one video game." "It's going over the edge." "Every since we've been married, we never have any fun anymore." "We were only married a minute before you got kidnapped." "I'm sorry." "But you know how women change the minute they get married." "And I've been tied up in this video arcade." "And I cannot even play." "I just want to scream." "I think I'm going to scream. [Scream]" "Cool yourself, Jennifer." "Let's go." "I know where they hide the baby limo." "It's no use." "The accelerator boosters are locked." "We've lost our steering." "We're going over the edge of the cliff." "Think fast." "I'm calling this mission aborted." "Call me a taxi." "We did, but it crashed." "LIEUTENANT KARIN:" "Then call me a helicopter." "I don't know if I can get it out of here." "Why don't you try the big, red button?" "Oh yeah." "[Thunk]" "What's going on?" "Where do you think you're going?" "PETER LAWSON:" "It's going over the edge." "Come." "Go." "Move it." "Let's go, men." "Move it." "[Alarm]" "Move it out." "Move it out." "Hold the button." "[Shouts]" "PATIENT:" "Hey, what a group." "What are they doing there?" "PATIENT:" "There, there." "PATIENT:" "Ah." "PATIENT:" "Yeah." "PATIENT:" "What they doing over there?" "PATIENT:" "They all landed, I guess." "No broken bones or anything." "They're all walking over here." "Hey." "Welcome to LA." "Welcome to LA." "[Shouts]" "Don't look." "It's Mr. Blob." "All right, buddy." "Keep the change." "My balloons!" "Get back here." "Oh, it's you." "Get back here with my balloons." "[Music playing]" "Idiot." "Get us down, now." "Not that way, you ninny." "You'll kill us all." "Here, take this." "Cut six or seven." "That way the car can settle gently." "Quickly." "Crash position!" "Oh, Petrovich, I love it when you play rough." "Peter!" "[Scream]" "Oh, idiots." "I can't believe this." "Ahh!" "[Scream]" "PETROVICH:" "Putskin, we've landed in Beverly Hills." "I can't believe it." "[Giggles]" "You really must stick with the care of the car, Petrovich." "Where are you going, Lieutenant Karin?" "Inside." "There?" "Inside that den of American piggery?" "The Ultravich is gone." "We had failed our mission." "And I could think of hundreds of other things" "To do here than in Siberia." "Mm, care to join us for dinner?" "Never." "Very well." "Do svidaniya, my friend." "Lieutenant Karin." "Anya." "Anya." "Do you think they might have beef Stroganoff?" "I have my ways." "It could be arranged." "Putskin, how would you like to live in Beverly Hills?" "[Music playing]" "Hey, look up there." "[Shouts]" "[MUSIC STAN BUSH, "SHE'S A LITTLE DANGEROUS"]" "[MUSIC LINDA LAWLEY, "LET LOVE BEGIN"]" "[Shouts]" "PETER LAWSON (VOICEOVER):" "Jennifer and I" "Are very happy now." "We disagree six or seven times a day." "But we get along great." "We live in Dog's Beach, Alabama." "Lampshade found a girlfriend and moved to California." "We plan to have 2.6 kids." "Hey, we just want to be the average American couple," "Together, nerds of a feather." "It's Yuri." "Do svidaniya, Yuri." "Don't worry about your sister, darling." "I'm very rich now." "I married my bookie." "Goodbye, Yuri." "LAMPSHADE (VOICEOVER):" "Wait, take me with you." "[MUSIC LINDA LAWLEY, "LET LOVE BEGIN"]" "[Music playing]"