"[ Announcer ] From television city in Hollywood." "♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪" "♪ songs that made the hit parade ♪" "♪ guys like us we had it made ♪ [ together ] ♪ those were the days ♪" "♪ and you knew where you were then ♪" "[ Archie ] ♪ girls were girls and men were men ♪" "[ Archie, Edith ] ♪ mister, we could use a man ♪" "♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪" "[ Archie ] ♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪" "[ Edith ] ♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪" "[ Archie, Edith ] ♪ gee, our old lasalle ran great ♪" "♪ those were the days ♪" "Archie ?" "Yeah ?" "Do you like spending time alone with me like this ?" "I don't mean just now, I mean whenever." "Do you ?" "Of course I do." "Why do you even have to ask a thing like that ?" "'Cause I read somewhere..." "That if two people enjoy being alone together, that's the acid test of a good marriage." "All right, Edith." "We got a hundred percent acid marriage, all right ?" "Do you..." "love me ?" "Where the hell are you gettin' these questions ?" "From Fiddler on the roof." "Ohh !" "Yeah." "The wife asks the husband" "♪ do you love me ♪ yeah, I heard it on the radio." "And the man in the song couldn't give her a direct answer either." "Edith, I give you my answer every day." "I live with ya." "I take care of ya." "I go to work, I come home." "I go to work, I come home." "Now I'm readin'." "Will ya ?" "♪ But do you love me ♪ will you stop that ?" "You sing like a piece of chalk on a blackboard." "My nerves are bad enough already reading' this paper here." "These headlines'd put you away." "Look at this." ""Unemployment at seven-year high."" ""Rise of strikes expected."" ""No end to inflation seen."" "Nixon predicts great year." "Huh ?" "Where's it say that ?" "You mean he didn't say that today ?" "Ain't you got nothin' better to do than ridicule your own president ?" "You gotta admit, he does lend himself to it." "Watch it !" "Watch it, watch it !" "Oh, come on, daddy." "The president is the administration." "And lots of people are criticizing the administration today." "Not in this house they don't, 'cause in this house it's "my country, right or wrong."" "Yeah, but, Archie, that's outmoded thinking." "It doesn't work." "In today's society, if something doesn't work, you throw it out." "Well, you don't work." "Maybe we better throw you out." "You wanna throw somebody out, why don't you start with your buddy Nixon, huh ?" "I mean, it wasn't me who started that unemployment rate goin' up or the inflation." "And Mr. Nixon didn't start them things either." "You take inflation." "Inflation is directly connected to your wage-price index." "The president's got nothin' to do with it, 'cause his wage is fixed by congress..." "And so is his price." "That'll teach you to argue economics with daddy." "He nailed me good that time." "Yeah." "Hey, ma, are you darning socks again ?" "There's a hole in the toe." "Well, so throw 'em away and buy a new pair." "Oh, that's right." "Throw 'em away." "Got any idea what socks cost today ?" "No, I don't know." "That's the trouble with you kids nowadays." "You don't know what nothing' costs." "When I was a kid, I was so poor that-- you were lucky to even have socks !" "That's right !" "Many's the time we had to take-- stuff cardboard in the soles of your shoes !" "That's right !" "We were so poor that some mornings going to school-- you had to tramp ten Miles though the blinding snow and the freezing rain." "Absolutely !" "Didn't they ever have any good weather when you were a kid ?" "I don't remember none." "I think they invented good weather around 1940." "Oh, I remember some sunny days." "They must've been before we met." "Come to think of it-- aw, stifle yourself, will ya." "We're going to the museum." "Bye, ma." "Bye, daddy." "Yeah, see you folks later." "Bye-bye." "These socks cost three pairs for two dollars." "What would one pair be ?" "I think I'll go upstairs and get a pencil and paper and figure that out." "Aw, don't do that, Edith." "Who cares ?" "Go make a pot of coffee, huh ?" "[ Doorbell rings ]" "Go on, go on." "Make the coffee." "I'll get the door." "All right, all right." "Keep your pants on." "Mr. bunker ?" "Oh, uh, I gave at the office." "Oh, Mr. bunker-- no, you see, I got nothin' to do with it." "It comes out of my paycheck." "It's all one lump." "It goes to all the charities, including the black ones." "Yeah, but, Mr.-- and I wanna tell you something." "You people deserve a lot of credit for all you're trying to do with them little hoodlums." "Uh, Mr. bunker." "I'm not here to collect for a charity." "I'm here to pick up the key." "What key ?" "The key to 708." " Oh, well, this house is 704." "708 is just down the-- - oh, I got the key." "How do you do ?" "Won't you come in ?" "Oh, thank you." "What key is that, Edith ?" "The key to Jim bowman's house." "Here you are." "Thank you." "My, you got here early." "Well, I wanted to get right to work." "Oh, by the way, would it be too much trouble to borrow a pail from you ?" "I forgot to bring one." "Oh, sure." "Oh, you got your work cut out for you." "I don't think that house has been cleaned since his wife died three years ago." "And way before that." "Bowman and his wife was always slobs, the both of them." "Archie !" "I'll get the pail." "Ah, thank you." "Hurry up in there, will ya, Edith." "How, uh-- how'd you like the Julia show last night ?" "Fine." "How did you like Doris day ?" "Edith !" "Here's the pail." "If there's anything else you need, just come over and ask me." "All right." "Thank you so much." "I'll return it in a couple of hours." "Hey." "How come you got Jim bowman's key ?" "'Cause it ain't Jim bowman's house anymore." "He sold it." "He sold it ?" "Ohh, that explains it." "I knew he'd never hire no cleaning woman." "He sold his house ?" "Yeah." "Shee, imagine that." "[ Chuckles ]" "So he finally found a sucker for that pile of shingles." "I think it's a very nice house." "Aw, get outta here." "It's a dumb house." "What's dumb about it ?" "It's laid out bad, Edith." "Oh, it's exactly the same as ours." "Oh, Edith." "You see, that's how much you notice." "That's typically you." "It ain't the same at all, see ?" "Now, our front door is there." "He's got a front door over there, right ?" "We got a bathroom and bedroom up there." "He's got a bathroom, bedroom over there." "He's got stairs there." "We got the stairs over here." "Yeah, all the houses are built exactly the same, except some of them are turned around." "Those are the ones that are dumb !" "Bowman's is a dumb house." "It's laid out bad." "I wonder who he sold it to though." "Oh, Mr. bowman, I'm so glad you're here." "I just noticed a new crack in the ceiling." "Mrs. Jefferson, you bought a perfect house." "You're gonna be very happy here, so let's not start with none of that, huh ?" "Well, my sister just talked with the movers, and-- look, let's go inside and talk." "Why should everyone know our business ?" "We're gonna move in on Thursday." "Swell." "Make it at night, about 9:00." "We can't move in at night !" "I'll be moved out by then." "Let's get inside." "We could get hit by a car out here." "But-- but I-- you know, Edith, I got one thing figured out." "Whoever it is bought bowman's house must be doin' pretty good..." "If he can lay out eight, ten dollars a day for a cleaning woman." "Ten dollars ?" "Oh, they're getting more than that for good cleaning people today." "Maybe she's a live-in maid." "What are you talkin' about, Edith ?" "The only people nowadays can afford live-in help are rich people and Jews." "Not all Jewish people are rich." "I never knew one that wasn't !" "The steiners from our old neighborhood weren't." "They didn't have as much as we did, even." "Yeah, to hear them tell it." "Hey, you don't suppose bowman sold his house to one of that tribe, do ya ?" "I mean, he was always a jerk, but he wouldn't do a thing like that to this neighborhood, would he ?" "Well, what I'm wondering is, if a rich Jewish person could afford to hire a maid, why would he buy Jim bowman's old house ?" "To make trouble, Edith, that's why." "These people are always lookin' to make a test case." "Why do you think they got that there, uh, organization there-- whaddya call it ?" "B'Nai bris." "Well, I'm gonna go over there and find out." "Where are you going ?" "I'm just gonna take a walk over to Jim bowman's house and talk to him about it, that's all." "Where's my lumberjack ?" "Right in there." "Where ?" "Somewhere in there." "Well, "somewhere in there" ain't "right in there," Edith." "How about right in there somewhere ?" "Will you get in there and get the jacket ?" "It was right there." "You sure have your little ways of torturing me, Edith." "Hey, bowman !" "A-Archie !" "I just come over to congratulate you." "I heard you sold the house." "Oh, th-th-that's very nice of you, Archie." "I-I-I appreciate it." "Yeah." "Hey, wait a minute." "Where're you goin' ?" "I want to ask you about the people." "I mean, how are they ?" "Are they nice people and all ?" "Oh, they're fine people." "Salt of the earth." "Archie, I don't have much wall space at the new place I'm moving into, so I thought maybe you and Edith could use this." "Or do you already have a picture of Charles a." "Lindbergh ?" "No, we ain't even got anything close." "Oh, thanks, Jim." "Don't mention it." "I gotta run." "Yeah, wait a minute." "You know what was just crossing' my mind ?" "Remember old man mcnab, used to live down the street there ?" "Remember the time he was gonna sell his place to them Jews ?" "Oh !" "And you come around with that petition for all the rest of us to sign." "Remember ?" "Keep 'em out ?" "We all signed it, eh ?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "You really saved the block that time, Jim." "Well, you know me." "So, I mean, you wouldn't then turn around and do what mcnab was tryin' to do, would ya ?" "You mean, sell to Jews ?" "Yeah." "Oh, no." "No." "These people are baptists." "Oh !" "Oh, that's nice, Jim." "Mr. bowman, I just talked with the telephone company." "They're putting my phone in today." "Now I really believe the house is mine." "Oh, hi, neighbor." "Archie" "Archie, Archie, listen." "The house has been on the market for 11 months." "I was gettin' desperate." "Sure, I admit it." "But do you think I would give the shaft to my friends on this block..." "Out of my own self-interest ?" "Never !" "I" " I sold to blacks, Archie, because" "Archie, I am tired of hating people." "I, uh, been thinking about this for a long time now, and I really and truly believe what I read on those bumper stickers:" ""Good neighbors come in all colors."" "What colors do they come in your new neighborhood, jimbo ?" "Here's what you ought to do." "I don't wanna hear it." "Archie, listen." "Talk to everyone in the neighborhood." "Get all our friends together to chip in, and you buy back the house." "Then you turn around, and you sell it back to one of our own kind." "What makes you think these people are gonna sell it back to us ?" "You offer the schwarzers a $2,000 profit." "You think they'll go for it ?" "They'll jump at it !" "They'll be so happy, you'll have them tap dancing all the way back to Harlem !" "Yeah ?" "Sure !" "It's not a bad idea." "In fact, it's a good idea." "Thanks, Jim." "What are friends for ?" "Gloria, believe me, you'll get to love this." "Well, put it down somewhere, and we'll see how it looks." "Let's try the tv." "All right." "I'll move this thing." "Okay." "Huh ?" "What do you think ?" "I don't know." "What do you mean, you don't know ?" "That's truth staring you right in the face." "Can't you see that ?" "I'm sorry." "Look, it's all there-- the total condemnation of a plastic society, man's inhumanity to man and the hope for a new brotherhood shining through." "Where ?" "Where ?" "There !" "It's all there !" "It's the overall effect." "That's totally unique." "I guess so." "I'm glad now we didn't get the green one." "Oh, I didn't know you kids was back." "Hi, ma." "Look what we rented from the museum." "Oh, my." "Ain't that nice ?" "I'm glad youse are all here, all of us together, because we got a little important talkin' to do." "Did you see Jim bowman ?" "I certainly did, Edith." "Wait'll you hear what he done to us." "What has he done to ya ?" "Not only me-- to you, to you, to her, to the whole neighborhood." "Edith, Jim bowman sold his home..." "To a family of spades." "Oh, my." "As if they didn't have enough problems being Jewish." "Edith, it ain't their problem, it's our problem !" "These people are steppin' up in life, and we're movin' down." "How much you think our property's gonna be worth with them livin' two doors away ?" "Probably more than it was worth before." "Oh, listen to Mr. real estate himself." "He's gonna tell me about land values now." "He can't afford enough to buy enough land to put in a flower pot !" "Archie, they've done sociological studies on this thing-- sociological studies !" "There he goes again !" "Yes." "Yes, that's right." "And they've shown that the socioeconomic class of the first black people..." "Moving into a white neighborhood..." "Is usually higher than that of the original inhabitants." "Therefore, the land values go up." "Does anybody know what the hell he's talkin' about ?" "Don't be upset, daddy." "Why, the answers are all right here in this sculpture." "Take, for instance, what this represents." "This here is the struggle of the races-- man's inhumanity to man." "Yet through it all, the shining hope of a new brotherhood." "See ?" "The girl has gone berserk." "I'm all alone here." "I'm all alone in this house !" "Isn't anybody else interested in upholding' standards ?" "Our world is comin' crumbling' down." "The coons are comin'." "Archie, 12% of the population is black." "There should be a lot of black families living out here." "Yeah, this is only a beginning, but I think it's wonderful." "Wonderful, huh ?" "Well, let's see how wonderful it is..." "When the watermelon rinds come flyin' out the window !" "I need an aspirin." "Where will I find one ?" "In the musical beer Stein in our bedroom." "Ma, how do you feel about the new neighbors ?" "I mean, you never told us how you feel about black people." "Well, you sure gotta hand it to 'em." "I mean, two years ago they was nothin' but servants and janitors." "Now they're teachers and doctors and lawyers." "They've come a long way on tv." "[ Doorbell rings ]" "Oh, hey, Lionel." "Come on in." "How's it going, Mike ?" "Here's last week's cleaning." "Thank you." "I would've had it yesterday, but it's been a frantic week." "That's all right." "Things are getting a little frantic around here too." "I'll put 'em upstairs." "Hey, listen-- Lionel, have you heard the good news ?" "No, but I've got some good news of my own." "Lionel, we're having a black family for neighbors." "They bought Jim bowman's place." "For $26,000-- 5,000 down on a 20-year mortgage." " How did you know ?" " 'Cause we move in next week." "Your folks bought the place ?" "You're the one ?" "That's right." "Lionel !" "Hey, great !" "That's fantastic !" "Congratulations !" "Gee, I can't wait to see Archie's reaction." "I can't either !" "Hey, mom !" "Daddy !" "I want to see that too." "It's Lionel !" "[ Archie ] Lionel ?" "Is Lionel down there ?" "Yes, he is !" "Hang onto him !" "Don't let him get away !" "I got somethin' to say to him." "Archie, you gotta hear-- wait till you hear." "Just a minute, just a minute." "The two of youse go over there to the couch and do somethin' with yourselves." "I gotta talk to Lionel." "Come on over here, Lionel." "Sit down on that chair." "This is very important." "[ Clears throat ]" "Now, Lionel, you and I been friends a long time, right ?" "Right." "It's on the basis of that friendship..." "I'm gonna ask you to do me a favor." "Sure." "Jim bowman, our neighbor down the way, just sold his home to a family of coloreds." "No !" "Two doors away." "Can you believe it ?" "Does Mike know about this ?" "Yeah, he knows about it." "All he can say is 12% of the neighborhood ought to be black." "Twelve percent ?" "Aw, no." "If you followed that kind of thinkin', 88% of the Harlem globetrotters oughta be white." "I never thought of that." "Well, see, it ain't the color, Lionel, because, you know, uh, many of your black people are fine, decent people, as you probably know." "Yeah, so I've heard." "But they'd be more comfortable somewhere else." "Right." "They'd be happier with their own kind." "You took the words right out of my mouth." "Now, listen, this is what we're gonna do." "A group of concerned neighbors has got together..." "And we're gonna take up a collection..." "To buy that house back from them people who bought it from bowman." "But what if they don't want to sell ?" "We're gonna give 'em a $2,000 profit !" "[ Whistles ]" "Isn't that nice ?" "Yeah." "Oh, yeah." "So why should they turn down a $2,000 profit..." "In order to stay in a neighborhood where they ain't wanted ?" "And you're gonna tell 'em they ain't wanted." "Oh, no, Lionel." "You can't go up to people and say a thing like that." "I mean, this is America." "That's what I want you to do." "I want you to take them the offer, see ?" "I mean, I could do it myself, but for this job, uh, you got the best credentials." "See, now, not that I'm gonna ask you to do it for nothin'." "You bring this thing off, there's gonna be a little somethin' in it for yourself." "Yeah ?" "And I'd be doin' it for their own good too." "Of course." "That's what I'm sayin'." "They ain't gonna be happy here." "What are they gonna do for recreation ?" "There ain't a crap game or a pool hall in the whole neighborhood." "There ain't a chicken shack or a rib joint within Miles of here." "No ribs ?" "Lord almighty, what is we gonna do ?" "W-w-wait a minute, Lionel." "Just a minute. "We" ?" "Who's "we" ?" "My mother, my father, my aunt and me." "Well, Lionel-- your family ?" "I gotta tell you something, Mr. bunker." "My family bought Mr. bowman's house." "And we're gonna keep it." "We like it here." "We like the house, we like the neighborhood..." "And I know we're gonna get along just fine with the neighbors." "I'll see you later, Mr. bunker." "And the trash is picked up on Fridays." "Trash on Fridays." "Yeah, and tell your mother if she wants really good fish, she should go to the fish grotto." "If she wants week-old fish." "It's a little far, but it's worth the walk." "The fish grotto." "That's right." "Oh, and Mr. tomasetti's got the best beef in the neighborhood." "Tomasetti ?" "Yeah, he's got good cuts, and he don't overcharge." "Oh, tomasetti." "Oh, jeez." "Well, he does, daddy." "What are you talkin' about ?" "Listen, Lionel, don't pay no attention to these people, huh ?" "You wanna know anything about the neighborhood, ask me." "All right ?" "Now, you're writin' things down, okay." "First of all-- tomasetti." "He's an Italian." "We all know what they are." "He's weighin' out the hamburger for ya, he ain't above slippin' a fat thumb onto the scale." "So keep your eye on him, eh ?" "Fat thumb." "Yeah." "As long as you're gonna be in the neighborhood, you gotta look out for al jejorian." "Jejorian ?" "He runs the gas station." "He calls himself an Armenian." "He's really a gypsy." "Always tryin' to sell you somethin' you don't want, like a tune-up job." "Gypsy." "Yeah." "We got a German mailman that never says nothin'." "Watch him." "Oh, yeah." "Look out for these colored guys on the garbage truck." "They're always tryin' to set you up for that Christmas tip." "You know what I mean ?" "They're thieves, and they start workin' on ya 'round Thanksgiving time." "[ Announcer ] All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience."