"Hello?" "Hey Rob, Steve." "Oh, hiya, how are you?" "Good, good." "Listen, are you free next week to go away?" "Where?" "It's a tour of the north, a restaurant tour, really good restaurants." "Right." "Why me?" "Mischa can't come and I don't want to go alone." "I've asked other people but they're all too busy." "It's a job." "I'm not asking you go on holiday with me or anything weird." "It's for The Observer magazine." "So, you know, do you want to come?" "This programme contains strong language." "Are you Steve Coogan?" "Yes, I am." "A-ha!" "A-ha." "All right mate, how you doing?" "Fine, thanks." "Listen, do us a favour, would you?" "Can you sign that?" "Yes, of course." "Make it out to Paul." "OK." "Can I ask you a question?" "Yes, of course, absolutely." "Is it true, what I read about you?" "And what do you read about me?" "That you're a bit of a cunt." "Well, where did you read that?" "Well, it's in today's newspaper." "Here, look." "Whoever said that doesn't know me very well." "Are you sure?" "What?" "A-ha!" ""Coogan is a cunt", says dad." "Cunt." "Did you not sleep well or something?" "No." "I couldn't get off because of the food and then when I did get off, I was having awful dreams, really bad dreams." "Blue cheese." "Coleridge was a poor sleeper." "I was reading his poem called The Pains of Sleep." "Mmm." ""Sleep, the wide blessing, seemed to me distemper's worst calamity."" "Yes. "The third night, when my own loud scream had waked me from the fiendish dream," ""o'ercome with suffering strange and wild, I wept as I had been a child"." "Yes, no, I know that." "That's the drugs." "What?" "Coleridge, the opium." "He was a big druggie." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "You could have a costume drama here, couldn't you?" "I would love..." "Mel Gibson coming over the hill." "I would just love to do a costume drama in these hills, vaulting over dry stone walls with a scabbard, a dead look in my eyes because I've seen so many horrors." "And they always say something like, "Gentlemen, to bed." ""Gentlemen, to bed for we leave at first light." ""Tomorrow we battle..." ""...and we may love our lives," ""but remember death is but a moment." ""Cowardice is a lifetime of affliction." Nice." ""To bed, for we rise at daybreak!"" "Very good, very impressive." "Always leave at daybreak, don't they?" "They never leave at, you know, 9.30." ""Gentlemen, to bed, for we leave at 9.30."" "Ish." "Ish." ""Gentlemen, to bed, for we rise at..." ""What time's the battle?" "About, oh, 12 o'clock"." "Yes." ""Right. 12 o'clock..." ""On horseback, about three hours?" ""So we leave about eight, 8-8.30?"" "8.30 for nine." "Yes." ""Gentlemen, to bed, for we leave at 8.30 for nine" ""and we rise at just after daybreak, 7.30, so just after daybreak." ""Gentlemen, to bed for we leave at 9.30 on the dot."" ""On the dot." Do you want to have a run, sire?" "Yes." "Just to loosen up, sire." "Yes." "You know the other thing they never say is, "Right, well, we'd better make a move." ""I want to get back in daylight, we'd better make a move"." ""To bed." "Tomorrow we rise." ""We leave at ten-ish."" ""But now, to bed, unless you are one of those people, like me," ""who finds it very hard to get off after he's eaten cheese, in which case stay awhile by the fire," ""talk of battles past and old and then and only then, sire, go thee to bed."" ""And sleep well." "Sleep the sleep of a thousand martyrs"." ""Sleep well, my brother"." ""Sleep well, my sister." ""Sleep with my sister!"" ""Sleep well my brother, sleep well my sister, but do not sleep with my sister."" ""Leave my sister out of it, all right?" "Leave my sister alone."" ""Don't touch her." Gentlemen, to bed, for at daybreak I will..."" "Breakfast. "We will breakfast"." ""Sire, sire..." "Yes." "'tis a continental breakfast." ""Twill only take 20 minutes max." ""Thank you, Brother Rob."" "Brother Rob?" "Don't call me Brother Rob." "I'd be Brother Jed." "Course, you won't." "No, no, no, no, in Rob Roy..." "Liam Neeson in a kilt." "Of course you could be called Rob." "SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Tomorrow we shall have breakfast." ""We shall rise at nine and we shall head off tomorrow morning."" ""Thank you, Brother Rob, and let me say this..." ""Look into my eyes..." ""You are my brother and you sound a bit like Billy Connolly."" "AS CONNOLLY:" "I know." "I know." "I can't help it." "AS CONNOLLY: "Gentlemen, to bed, for tomorrow we rise at daybreak."" ""We rise at daybreak."" "Why do they do that?" "They always rise at daybreak." "THEY SING" "Bah-bah-bah-do" "Ba-bop-be-doo La-la-la-la" "Bop-be-do-be-do-bah-bah-bah" "Bah-bah-bah" "THEY CONTINUE TO SING" "Their expressions would really match their kind of "do-be-do bo ba da wah wah..." Yeah." "Big open happy faces." "It was nice." "A very uncynical kind of music." "I miss it, I really miss it." "Hello." "Hey, are you all right?" "Yes." "This is Yolanda, the photographer." "Hello, Yolanda." "And Rob, this is Yolanda." "Hi." "Nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you." "Hiya..." "Hi." "How are you, all right?" "I'm very good." "Are you all right?" "Don't do that." "Oh." "That's very funny, yeah." "There's been none of that on the trip." "Heavy petting." "Heavy petting, but..." "We draw the line." "Yes." "Pass the time somehow." "Yes, but no penetration." "Very good." "OK, it's just up here." "OK." "And I've looked at all the rooms and yours is the nicest." "Good, good." "Yes." "What's..." "What's Rob's room like?" "It's nice, it's nice." "It's not as big as yours, but yeah..." "Great." "There you go." "Oh, very nice." "All right, isn't it?" "Very beige." "The bathroom's through there, there's like a little study area and yeah, it's all right." "Great, great." "Right." "Listen, have I met Yolanda before?" "I don't know." "Maybe before my time, maybe?" "We need to get some sort of a system going about who I've met before, and who I haven't because..." "Right." "They remember meeting me so it can get embarrassing." "Do you want me to ask her?" "No, don't ask her." "OK." "Just see if she mentions anything." "Right, OK." "So, is this all right?" "Look OK?" "Yeah, you look nice." "You look like that guy off Top Gear." "What?" "What, Jeremy Clarkson?" "No, no, no, the other one." "What, Richard Hammond?" "Yeah, yeah." "That's worse." "Well..." "Check on table four." "One goat's cheese, one brie." "Just got a little amuse-bouche for you to start." "I didn't know what an amuse-bouche was until I started doing this." "Why have you changed?" "You've changed, haven't you?" "Yeah." "Yeah, well, I wasn't..." "I thought it was good." "Really?" "You looked like Richard Hammond from Top Gear." "Have you been talking to him?" "I didn't say a word." "I prefer those colours for the picture." "The shirt was trying too hard." "Like Richard Hammond." "One pig's cheek, one scallop, followed by halibut and a chicken." "We've got some seared pan-fried scallops with roast cauliflower puree, pickled cauliflower and caper and mushroom." "Thank you very much." "It looks lovely." "It does." "Before we start, can I just say, I'm undecided on the froth." "I..." "Have you had a lot of froth?" "Well, his life is full of it!" "I've built a career of it." "Right." "It's part of the zeitgeist." "Yeah." "The culinary zeitgeist." "It's good." "It's nice." "Delicious." "So how has the trip been so far?" "Rob?" "AS RONNIE CORBETT:" "I can honestly say it's one of the most enjoyable periods of my life." "Yolanda, you know who that is?" "No, I don't." "You see, ah well, she wouldn't because she's from another country." "I don't either." "Of course you know who it is!" "And under 35!" "I don't mind you not knowing it..." "I'll never forget the day, there I was with Ronnie Barker..." "Oh, OK." "Only because you said Ronnie Barker..." "Who is it?" "Ronnie Corbett." "Oh, OK." "Is that the man that does this dancing programme?" "AS FORSYTH:" "No, it's not the one that does the dancing programme." "That's Bruce Forsyth." "That's the one that does the dancing." "That was lovely, my love, we liked it, that was my favourite." "OK, ready, who's this?" "AS TONIOLI:" "I love it." "It was fast, it was furious, it was sexy." "Nine!" "Now I don't even know what you were doing." "Know who it is?" "No." "Mr Bruno Tonioli." "I used to work with him." "Did you?" "He taught me how to walk like a woman." "He said, "Steve, you've got the technique, I want you to walk and forget all I've told you," ""just walk along and I want you to think to yourself, 'I want you to fuck me'"." "And then he said, "I'll be back"." "Because you were doing Arnold Schwarzenegger." "Right, oh." "I want you to dance like you mean it." "Last week, I love your dance, but this week it's all over the place." "Three." "Come to California." "Oh." "OK, who's this?" "She was only..." "She was only 15 years old." "She was only 15 years old, she was only 15 years - listen to the sound of the voice." "I'll give you a clue, it's not a Muppet." "That's all I'm saying." "She was only 15 years old." "You're a big man but you're out of shape." "Right, but nowadays his..." "This is how he sounds now, the voice has gone." "Shall I prepare the Batmobile, Master Wayne?" "That is how he talks now." "I've just been to do an Italian Job with Hannah and her Sisters." "On the way, I had a bit of a Zulu, so I had to pop to the loo and then, then," "I, I..." "Not a lot of people know - you know that?" "It sounds so familiar..." "He's an international star." "The thing is, is it an actor?" "Yes." "No, he's the man who comes and does my boiler(!" ")" "Yes, he's an actor." "He might as well be the guy that comes and does your boiler!" "No, because if he is an actor, in Spain they dub the films, so I really..." "Oh." "Are they?" "OK." "What, they dub the films?" "WITH SPANISH ACCENT:" "Here we go..." "Not a lot of people..." "That's not my accent!" "No, it's not." "No, no, it's a rough approximation." "Do you like that racist generalised interpretation of Spanish?" "Oh, that is not racist!" "You're such an arse!" "Right, ready, here's a clue." "My name is Michael Caine." "Oh, OK." "Who is it?" "Oh, my, yes, it's Michael Caine." "Michael Caine!" "Hooray!" "Wow, yes." "Yes." "Rob's was a very entertaining version but I don't think, I don't think it was as accurate as mine." "She was only 15, she was only 15 years old." "You're getting Michael Cained on stereo." "She was only 15 years old." "You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off." "She was only 15 years old." "Oh, my God." "Yeah, I do recognise him now." "Excellent, let's move on." "Good." "Where's that halibut garnish?" "So you're Spanish, Yolanda?" "Yeah." "Where in Spain?" "La Mancha." "Oh." "Oh, man of La Mancha." "A woman of La Mancha." "Yeah." "Photographer of La Mancha." "That's right." "Who's this..." "Whaddaya ya got?" "Whaddaya ya got?" "I'm in the dark, every day." "Who's that?" "I don't know." "Is there a condition in Spain of autistic impressionist?" "Right, mains away." "Four halibut." "For this next course for you we've got the wild fillet of halibut with potato espuma, mussel chowder and some mussels." "Thank you very much." "Takes a very confident restaurant to serve a dish that has the word spew in it." "Yeah. "Then we have a vomit of vegetables." The word drizzle I always find slightly disconcerting." "Mmm, yes." "Yolanda, do you think you'll take the photographs round the table or...?" "Yeah, I thought so." "Yeah?" "Are you going to pretend you're with Mischa?" "Well, no, I can't do that, she's not here so..." "If you want me to be in the photos, I'm quite happy to." "You'll look like you're eating on your own." "It would look strange." "I'm worried about the Rob thing, either A, if I'm with Rob, they'll think there's some..." "Homosexuality." "Homosexuality." "I think you're safe." "The other issue is it's like kind of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum." "He very much shies away from us ever being thought of as a double act." "Talking about the work, how is the writing going?" "Well, it's..." "He's not writing it in the traditional sense." "Rob's helping." "My secretarial skills." "You're writing as well, though, aren't you?" "Well..." "That's a no." "Yeah, no." "You could use Boswell and Johnson as your role models." "Yes." "Yeah, they did a tour of the Hebrides together." "Mmm-hmm." "Johnson said funny things and Boswell wrote them down." "Who's who?" "Well, who's done more of the writing?" "C'est moi." "OK." "So I'd be Johnson." "I've also, though, said a high percentage of the funny things." "To be Johnson requires a certain levity, an air of academia..." "Ah." "...that you would not be able to, with the greatest respect, fulfil." "Steve's reference to my five O-Levels." "Is that all you got?" "Two the first time." "Took me another two years to get up to five." "Do you know what?" "That's the missing piece of the jigsaw." "Now it all makes sense." "How many did you get?" "Well, yeah, nine." "That's pretty average." "Yeah, I know it's average, but you're well below." "Many, many great creative minds, though I say it myself, were very poor academically." "Anthony Hopkins, "The teacher would say 'two and two is four,'" ""it was like a foreign language." I'm doing Anthony Hopkins." "He has to announce them now because she's not going to recognise any of them!" "Five minutes." "Four venison gourmand." "Thank you." "Thanks." "Thank you very much." "That's your main course for you." "We've got a roast saddle of venison with some wild mushrooms, a parsnip puree and some creamed cabbage." "Lovely, thanks." "Thank you." "You could also be a modern day Don Quixote, wandering around the north of England, tilting at restaurants." "Yeah, chasing sheep." "Rescuing maidens." "Rescuing maidens from sheep." "Rescuing sheep from Rob." "It's because I'm Welsh, you see." "Yeah." "Yes." "It's not racist when he does it, that's the beauty of it." "If I go "tha-tha-tha," that's racist, but if Steve talks about Welsh people shagging sheep, it's just nice." "Rob could be your Sancho Panza." "He was the servant though." "Yeah." "Wasn't he?" "No, he was with his friend who took care of him, made sure he didn't get into trouble." "That's more her job." "Yeah, that is more me, really." "So if I could just introduce the cheese for you." "Please do(!" ")" "Hello." "Hello!" "I would suggest you start off with the Wigmore which is a ewe's milk cheese from..." "Are you saying we have to eat them in this order?" "Why?" "Not necessarily, it's just a suggestion." "Oh, OK." "If you eat a strong cheese before a mild cheese, you can't quite appreciate the flavour of the mild cheese." "That would be accurate." "Thank you very much." "Do you have much cheese in Spain?" "Where do the Spanish stand on cheese?" "We have lots of cheese." "We have Manchego cheese, which is..." "Pardon?" "Manchego cheese." "Manchego cheese." "Which is the most famous." "Sounds like an actor." "Antonio Banderas and Manchego Cheese in The Assassin." "I think if you had a Spanish accent, you would be Manchego Cheese." ""Welcome, Manchego." "It is good to be here." "You know, for me, I make a lot of comedies but now I like to do a little bit of drama." "I said to myself, "Manchego Cheese, what are you doing with your life?" ""I talked to Antonio Banderas, he talk to me, he said, 'Manchego," ""'Manchego, we like your comedy, Manchego, we love the cheese'"." "That looks absolutely wonderful." "Oh, wow, thank you very much." "The rhubarb's very pink." "Yeah, it is." "Sometimes it's a big green." "It looks like they've dyed it." "Yeah, they've gone..." "It's like a crab stick." "Do you know what tells you this is good?" "We're not talking." "No, that's true." "Yes, that's true." "Yes, yes." "Yes." "You should eat this more often, Rob!" "I was thinking, I could take the photographs up in the hills." "I saw a place when I was coming, very nice." "OK, yes, sort of lone walker?" "OK." ""I wandered lonely as a cloud."" "Yeah, although it sounds a bit like I'm lonely." "Are you going to change your clothes?" "Again." "Well, actually, um..." "I wouldn't wear that on the hills." "I've got proper walking gear." "I've got, you know, crampons..." "AS ALAN PARTRIDGE:" "I like to go for a nice ramble..." "Lynn, Lynn, where are my crampons?" "Why have you brought tampons?" "That's not what I said!" "No, you fool, crampons." "That's good." "You could have written for the show, because it's so up there with your best stuff(!" ")" "I'd love to quote your stuff back at you, but I just don't know any." "No." "Odd, because you were executive producer on a lot of it." "And I still don't know any." "You never were that attentive at work!" "So this is it, it's kind of, you know..." "Nice." "Yes, whatever." "It's creamy." "If you like cream, then you'll be happy." "OK, there's just a little seating area there and..." "Mm-hmm." "Bathroom." "Wow." "It's very nice." "Don't know why I'm telling you." "Petit fours." "Why are they called petit fours?" "Little oven." "Fours is French for oven." "Ah." "Yolanda..." "Have we met before?" "Yes, we have." "Oh, OK." "It was five years ago, it was for a shoot for Time Out." "Right, and did we do something afterwards?" "Yes, we did." "OK." "You don't remember?" "No, I do remember." "How are you?" "I'm OK, I'm fine, yeah." "Right, good." "Listen, I think I'm going to have a line." "Do you want one?" "Er, coke?" "Yeah." "No, no, no." "Do you mind if I do?" "Oh, no, oh, no, please." "OK." "There's a bathroom there with lots of marble." "OK, all right." "Thank you." "They're picking clothes." "He's probably wearing the crampons now, halfway up." "He's up the side of the wardrobe." ""What do you think?" ""Does this look good?" Like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible 2." "Yolanda?" "Mm-hmm?" "I mean, this is kind of outdoorsy..." "Little bit of the Shackleton thing." "It's a bit too bright." "This is what I would wear if I was genuinely out walking." "OK." "The red's just for safety reasons, you know?" "Mmm." "But I've got darker stuff, that's fine." "OK." "You're sure you don't want one?" "No." "No." "No." "Are you sad not to be in the picture?" "Tiny bit hurt that he didn't want me to, but I'm only saying that because it's you." "Yeah." "I'm not at a level that any human could notice." "Only dogs could detect my hurt." "Dogs like me." "Yes and you're not..." "AS HUGH GRANT:" "If you were a dog, then I should be very happy for you to, gosh, to curl up in my basket and chew my bone." "That sounds, yeah, sorry." "It's all right." "A rather clumsy invitation to, uh..." "Yes." "Where's Elizabeth when you need her?" "Yeah." "That's nice." "Casual but elegant." "Good, suits you." "Great." "Yeah, I like this, by the way, this..." "Oh, thank you." "Fish." "Nice." "Fish." "I love fish." "Good." "Um..." "Was that the last of the coke?" "No, it wasn't." "I've got some more." "Mmm." "If you want to?" "No, I don't want any, just want to know that there's..." "Just want to, just..." "just information." "OK, great." "Think it would be nice with the mountains behind you and..." "Yeah, what about the viaduct?" "That's beautiful." "That's Victorian engineering, that." "I think the pork belly made me a little...um..." "Amorous." "Did it?" "Yeah." "Pork belly will do that." "Pork will do that to you." "AS HUGH GRANT:" "I shan't start doing that voice again, or that's where we..." "That's where trouble..." "Yeah." "Don't, because then I'll pull out my terrible Liz Hurley." ""Oh, Hugh." Terrible, you see, that's why I'm a PA." "It is terrible indeed, yes." "It reminds me of the kind of place where, like, Wuthering Heights." "Oh, Wuthering Heights?" "Heathcliff." "Yeah, no, no, that's not far from here." "Oh, really?" "Yeah, it's the Yorkshire Moors." "That's, yeah, at a place called Haworth, that's..." "Oh, OK." "Wuthering Heights." "So do you think I could play Heathcliff?" "Definitely." "Yeah." "I'd have to be more like..." "I try to play, I think he's, you know, he's interesting." "Very interesting." "Kind of cruel." "Mm-hmm." "Cruel but..." "I don't know, compelling, I guess." "There is something very attractive about him." "Yeah." "I think I'm a little old to play him but I'd like to." "And there's the bill, please." "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "How much is it?" "Expensive?" "Good Lord, yeah." "Ah, well there's four of us, £388.50." "That's four, so what's that per person?" "Oh, that's just under a hundred quid a head." "A lot of money." "It was nice, though." "They've been quite a while taking the photos, haven't they?" "Yes, yes." "He'll probably be sucking in his chin, I would imagine." "He does this." "SHE LAUGHS" "What is it you're supposed to say every time you have your photo taken?" "Prunes." "Prunes." "Prunes." "Yes, that's very Heathcliff." "So this is OK?" "My chin's OK?" "Yeah, your chin, it's absolutely fine." "He's an odd man, isn't he?" "He's got a big sense of fun when it comes to trying to procure ladies." "When we were at Whitewell..." "Yeah." "He might have told you this, he probably didn't." "No." "We ended up, I ended up singing in the bar." "I sang Delilah in the bar." "Did you?" "Yes." "I sang it rather well." "I bet you did." "I'm sorry I wasn't there." "♪ Saw the light on the night that I passed by her window, la la la. ♪" "HIS MOBILE RINGS What's that?" "Sorry, can I take this?" "It's my American agent." "Sure." "Hello?" "'Ste-eve Coogan!" "'Hey, man.' Matt, how are you doing?" "'I'm doing good." "What's the weather like in Ste-eve Coogan land?" "'" "It's...frigging cold." "'It's hot in Hollywoodland.'" "Yeah, I know, I wish I was." "'Listen, listen, cut to the chase." "'You have got co-lead in a drama series." "It's called,' let me give you the info here, it's called, yes, it's called Pathological, OK?" "You play a pathologist, so it's part of a pilot season, 'you've got to be back here for the pilot season in four weeks.'" "It's a seven year commitment if it goes." "So if they pick it up, I've got to do seven years?" "'If it goes, it's seven years." "If it goes, you're a household name.'" "He was being the mystery man." "Ah." "That's what he does." "Do you know about this, yes?" "He likes to send me forward and then he holds back as the mystery man and what happens is they wonder what he's like." "Was that good news?" "Kind of." "They've offered me a lead in a drama." "Oh, wow!" "It's nice to, you know, get an offer like that." "Absolutely." "That's just fantastic." "I'm just worried, my chin's OK, right?" "Your chin is absolutely fine." "♪ She stood there laughing" "♪ I felt the knife in my hand" "♪ And she laughed no mo-r-r-r-re" "♪ My, my, my Delilah" "♪ Why, why, why Delilah?" "♪ So before they... ♪" "It's awkward, isn't it?" "Oh, I misjudged it twice." "Just a smidge." "Yeah, sorry." "No, it's..." "No, I thought I was, I could have sworn I was getting a signal." "Oh, don't pat me on the shoulder, that makes it worse." "You're doing it again, you're patting." "Ah, this, I really don't know how to go from here to sitting back down." "Just like a plaster, off." "Look at that." "Oh." "I wonder where Steve is." "It's beautiful." "You know, if you ever want to see the Bronte sisters' house..." "Uh-huh." "...it's not so far." "If you want to go visit, I'll take you there." "Oh, thank you." "Subtitles by Red Bee Media" "E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk"