"in my thirty-second year of being single." "Once again, I found myself on my own... and going to my mother's annual turkey curry buffet." "Every year, she tries to fix me up... with some bushy-haired, middle-aged bore... and I feared this year would be no exception." "There you are, dumpling." "BRIDGET:" "My mum-- a strange creature from the time... when pickles on toothpicks... were still the height of sophistication." "Doilies, Pam?" "Hello, Bridget." "Third drawer from the top, Una." "Under the mini gherkins." "By the way, the Darcys are here." "They brought Mark with them." "BRIDGET:" "Ah, here we go." "You remember Mark." "You used to play in his paddling pool." "He's a barrister." "Very well off." "No, I don't remember." "He's divorced, apparently." "His wife was Japanese." "Very cruel race." "Now, what are you going to put on?" "This." "MUM:" "Oh, don't be silly, Bridget." "You'll never get a boyfriend... if you look like you've wandered out of Auschwitz." "Now, run upstairs." "I've laid out something lovely on your bed." "Tsk. [Sighs]" "ANDY WILLIAMS SINGING:" "You're just too good to be true" "Can't take my eyes off of you" "BRIDGET:" "Great." "I was wearing a carpet." "UNCLEGEOFFREY:" "There she is." "[Singing] My little Bridget" "Hi, Uncle Geoffrey." "Ha ha." "Hmm." "Had a drink?" "No." "No?" "Come on, then." "BRIDGET:" "Actually, not my uncle." "Someone who insists I call him uncle... while he gropes my ass... and asks me the question dreaded by all Singletons." "UNCLEGEOFFREY:" "So...how's your love life?" "Super." "Thanks, Uncle G." "Still no fellow, then, eh?" "I don't know." "You career girls." "Can't put it off forever." "UNA:" "Tick-tock, tick-tock." "Hello, Dad." "Hello, darling." "How's it going?" "Torture." "DAD:" "Your mother's trying to fix you up with some divorcee." "Uhh." "Human-rights barrister." "Pretty nasty beast, apparently." "BRIDGET:" "Hoo." "Ding-dong." "Maybe this time Mum had got it right." "Come on." "Why don't we see if Mark fancies a gherkin?" "[Whispering] Good luck." "Mark?" "BRIDGET:" "Maybe this was the mysterious Mr. Right..." "I'd been waiting my whole life to meet." "You remember Bridget." "BRIDGET:" "Maybe not." "She's used to run around your lawn... with no clothes on, remember?" "Uh, no, not as such." "Come and look at your gravy, Pam." "I think it's going to need sieving." "Of course it doesn't need sieving." "Just stir it, Una." "Yes, of course." "I'll be right there." "Sorry." "Lumpy gravy calls." "ANDY WILLIAMS SINGING:" "Let me love you" "[Sighs]" "So...ha." "So." "You staying at your parents' for New Year?" "Yes." "Mmm." "You?" "Oh, no, no, no." "I was in London at a party last night... so I'm afraid I'm a bit hung over." "Wish I could be lying with my head in the toilet..." "Like all normal people." "[Chuckles, sighs]" "New Year's resolution-- drink less." "Oh, and quit smoking." "Mmm." "Ha." "Oh." "Oh." "Ha." "And keep New Year's resolutions." "Oh." "And, uh... stop talking total nonsense to strangers." "In fact, stop talking, full stop." "Yes, well, perhaps it's time to eat." "Mmm." "ANDY WILLIAMS SINGING:" "I need you, baby" "MRS. DARCY:" "Apparently... she lives just 'round the corner from you." "Mother, I do not need a blind date." "Particularly not with some verbally incontinent spinster... who smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish... and dresses like her mother." "Yummy." "Turkey curry." "My favorite." "BRIDGET:" "And that was it." "Right there." "Right there." "That was the moment." "I suddenly realized that unless some thing changed soon..." "I was going to live a life where my major relationship... was with a bottle of wine... and I'd finally die fat and alone... and be found three weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs." "Orl was about to turn into Glenn Close... in "Fatal Attraction."" "JAMIEO'NEAL SINGING:" "All by myself" "Don't wanna be" "All by myself" "Anymore" "VOICE:" "You have no messages." "[Guitar plays]" "JAMIEO'NEAL SINGING:" "When I was young" "I never needed anyone" "And making' love was just for fun" "Those days are gone" "All by myself" "Don'twannabe" "Allbymyself" "Anymore" "Ohh" "Ohh" "Oh-oh-oh" "Allbymyself" "Don'twannalive..." "BRIDGET:" "Andso lmade amajordecision." "Ihadto make sure thatnextyear..." "Iwouldn'tendupshit-faced andlisteningto sadFM... easy-listening forthe over-thirties." "Idecidedto take controlofmylife... andstarta diary... to tell the truth aboutBridgetJones... the whole truth." "Resolutionnumberone-- ohh-- obviously wiIllose twentypounds." "Numbertwo... alwaysputlastnight'spanties in the laundrybasket." "Egually important... willfindnice sensible boyfriendto go outwith... andnotcontinue to form romantic attachments... to any ofthe following... alcoholics, workaholics, commitment-phobics... peepingtoms,megalomaniacs... emotionalfuckwits, orperverts." "Andespecially willnotfantasize... aboutaparticularperson who embodies all these things." "ARETHA FRANKLINSINGING:" "Whatyou want" "Baby,lgot" "Whatyouneed" "Do youknowlgotit?" "BRIDGET:" "Unfortunately,he justhappens to be myboss..." "Editor-in-Chief, DanieICleaver." "Andforvarious slightly unfairreasons... relatingto this year's Christmasparty..." "Isuspecthe does not fantasize aboutme." "BRIDGET,DRUNK, SINGING:" "Oh" "Can'tlive" "Iflivingis withoutyou" "Ican'tlive" "Can'tgive anymore" "BRIDGET:" "Ormaybe I'm wrong." "Huh?" "[Indistinct chattering]" "BRIDGET:" "Ah." "Happy New Year, Mr. Fitzherbert." "Happy New Year, Brenda." "BRIDGET:" "Mr. Fitzherbert-- Tiits Pervert,more like." "Daniel's boss who stares freely atmybreasts... withno idea who lam orwhatldo." "Morning." "I need that "Kafka's Motorbike" release... by 11:00." "BRIDGET:" "Perpetua-- slightlysenior... andtherefore thinks she's in charge ofme." "Mostofthe time..." "Ijustwantto staple things to herhead." "[Telephone rings]" "Publicity." "JUDE:" "AIllasked-- Ionly asked... if he wanted to come on a mini-breakto Paris..." "BRIDGET:" "Daily callfrom Jude." "Bestfriend." "Headofinvestment atBrightlings Bank... who spends mostofhertime... trappedin the lady's toilet, cryingoverfuckwitboyfriend." "I'm too needy." "JUDE:" "Am lcodependent?" "No,you're not." "It's notyou." "You're lovely." "It's Vile Richard." "Ugh." "He's just a big knobhead with no knob." "Is some people's opinion of Kafka... butthey couldn't be more wrong." "This book is a searing vision... of the wounds our century has inflicted on-- on traditional masculinity." "It's positively Vonnegut-esque." "Thankyoufor calling, Professor Leavis." "Guest listfor launch party." "Ah." "Was that..." "F.R. Leavis?" "Mm-hmm." "DANIEL:" "Wow." "Huh." "The F.R. Leavis... who wrote "Mass Civilization and Minority Culture"?" "Mm-hmm." "The F.R. Leavis who died in 1978?" "Amazing." "BRIDGET:" "Emergencysummit with urbanfamily... forcoherentdiscussion ofcareercrisis." "Fuck 'em." "Fuckthe lot of them." "Tell them they can stick fucking Leavis... uptheirfucking asses." "Good, good." "That's very useful,very useful." "BRIDGET:" "Shazzer--journalist..." "Iikes to say "fuck" alot." "And,Jude,whatwould you do if one of your assistants... made a harmless little mistake like that?" "I'dfire you, Bridge." "Excellent." "Is that Cleaver chap still as cute as ever?" "Oh, God,yes." "Then I think a well-timed blow job's... probably the best answer." "SHAZZER:" "Ohh." "Oh,you love it." "Are you that chap that sang that song?" "Yes." "Yes, I am." "BRIDGET:" "Tom-- Eightiespopicon who only wrote one hitrecord... thenretiredbecause he foundthatone record... was guite enough to gethim laid... forthe whole ofthe Nineties." "Great song." "Thankyou so much." "BRIDGET:" "Totalpoof, ofcourse." "More vodka?" "No." "Yes." "Fill her up, God damn it." "BRIDGET:" "Atleast nowl'm inmy thirties..." "Icanholdmy drink." "[Laughter]" "Ohh!" "Whoops." "Mind the step." "She'sfine." "Drive on." "DANIEL:" "Apparently F.R. Leavis is coming." "Afternoon, Bridget." "PERPETUA:" "Whatdo youmean you're goingonholiday?" "Well, whataboutJulia?" "Does she have to go to the funeral?" "[Gasps]" "Listen,we got a little problem..." "The only problem is the kitchen." "PERPETUA:" "Quite frankly, there isn'troom..." "BRIDGET:" "Message Mr. Cleaver." "Am appalledbymessage." "Skirt is demonstrably neithersicknorabsent." "Appalledbymanagement's blatantlysize-istattitude... to skirt." "Suggestmanagementsick, notskirt!" "PERPETUA:" "That's guite ridiculous." "Ooh." "Oh,lsee." "DANIEL:" "Hang on." "Hang on." "Right." "Yeah." "No, I understand that." "I understand that perfectly." "BRIDGET:" "Verybadstartto the year." "Have beenseduced byinformality... ofmessagingmedium into flirtingwith office scoundrel." "Wiillpersevere withresolution to findanice sensible man." "Wiillputastop to flirting..." "firstthingtomorrow." "Goodplan." "PRETENDERS SINGING:" "Don'tgetme wrong" "DANIEL:" "lfwalkingpastoffice... was attemptto demonstrate presence ofskirt... can onlysay thatit has failedparlously." "Cleave." "BRIDGET:" "Shutup,please." "I'm verybusy andimportant." "P.S. How dare you sexuallyharass me... in this impertinentmanner." "DANIEL:" "Message Jones." "Mortifiedto have causedoffense." "Wiillavoidall non-P.C. overtones in future." "Deeply apologetic." "P.S. Like yourtits in thattop." "I'm thinking aboutthe fireworks" "BRIDGET:" "Mustn'tread too muchinto it,no." "[Humming WeddingMarch] Dum lum dee dum" "Dum dum dee dum, dum dum dee dum dum" "And it all began, of course... with some very irresponsible e-mailing... over Bridget's non-existent skirt." "PRETENDERS SINGING:" "lflsplit like lightrefracted" "I'm only offto wander" "Daniel." "The New York officeforyou." "Yeah,tell them I'll get backto them." "PRETENDERS SINGING:" "Once in a while" "[Elevator bell dings]" "[Ding]" "Daniel." "Jones" "Evening, Kenneth." "Good evening, Daniel." "[Ding]" "FITZHERBERT:" "Ifyou've gotamoment..." "I'dlike a word before youleave tonight." "Yes, certainly." "[Ding]" "I'll see you in a sec." "Excellent." "And, Brenda..." "Yes?" "Atthe "Kafka's Motorbike" thing..." "I thought it might befun if you introduce me... before I introduce him." "Addalovelysense ofoccasion." "[Chuckles]" "Certainly, sir." "Hmm." "Tch." "Brenda, listen." "What are you doing tonight?" "Actually, I'm busy." "All right." "Well,that's a shame." "I just, uh... well, I thought it might be a charitable thing... to take your skirt out for dinner... and try andfatten it up a bit." "Hmm." "Maybe you can come,too." "What abouttomorrow?" "No." "Tomorrow's the launch." "Ah,yes, of course." "Possibly the worst book ever published." "Well, in the end,that's not the ad line we've gonefor." "Next night?" "Let's see, shall we?" "["Peter Gunn" playing]" "Good night, Daniel." "Right." "No pressure, Bridge... butyourwholefuture happiness now depends on how you behave... on this one social occasion." "Right." "What should I do?" "First, look gorgeous." "[Tape rips] Ohh!" "Ow!" "Gooh!" "Two--then totally ignore Daniel and suck uptofamous authors." "Salman." "Salman." "Salman." "Circulate." "Oozing intelligence." "Isn't itterrible about Chechnya?" "Isn't itterrible about Chechnya?" "Chech-nya!" "Introduce people with thoughtful details... such as, "Sheila..." ""This is Daniel." "Daniel,this is Sheila." ""Sheila enjoys horse-riding and comesfrom New Zealand." ""Daniel enjoys publishing and comes--"" "All overyourface?" "TOM:" "Exactly." "Excuse me." "I'm terribly sorry to interruptyou... when you're having dinner." "It's justthat" "Yes." "Yes, itwas me." "Yes." "Nine years ago." "No current plans to record anything else." "Thankyou so much." "Oh, it's justthat, ahem... your--your chair is on my wife's coat." "[Laughter]" "Your--your chair on the..." "Of course it is." "Of course it is." "MAN:" "Thankyouso much." "Thankyou." "BRIDGET:" "Hmm." "Majordilemma." "Ifactually do, bysome terrible chance... endup inflagrante... surely these wouldbe most attractive atcrucialmoment." "However, chances of reachingcrucialmoment... greatly increase by wearingthese." "Scarystomach-holding-in panties." "Verypopularwith grannies the worldover." "Ha." "Tricky." "Very tricky." "["Peter Gunn" continues playing]" "BRIDGET:" "Ladies andgentlemen... welcome to the launch of "Kafka's Motorbike"..." ""The GreatestBook ofOur Tiime"... andhere to introduce it is Mr. Tiits Pervert." "Ooh, Fitzherbert, Fitzherbert, Fitzherbert." "OK, circulate, oozingintelligence." "Ignore Daniel, andbe fabulous with everyone else." "Iam the intellectualegual ofeveryone else here." "Ooh." "It's like a whole theory of shortfiction... and of the novella,you know?" "And, of course,the problem... with Martin's definition of the novella... is that it really only applies to him." "[Laughter]" "MAN:" "Thatdoesn't soundlike Martin." "Not." "[Laughter]" "RUSHDIE:" "lcouldbe wrong." "Whatdo you think?" "Uh...do you know..." "[Inhales] where the toilets are, huh?" "BRIDGET:" "Stay calm." "Can'tgetany worse." "What are you doing here?" "I've been asking myself the same question." "I came with a colleague." "So how are you?" "Well, apartfrom being very disappointed... notto see myfavorite reindeerjumper again..." "I'm well." "Anyone going to introduce me?" "BRIDGET:" "Ah, introducepeople with thoughtfuldetails." "Perpetua." "Ha." "This is Mark Darcy." "Mark's a prematurely middle-aged prick... with a cruel-racedex-wife." "Perpetua's afat-ass old bag... who spends hertime bossing me around." "BRIDGET:" "Maybe not." "Anyone going to introduce me?" "BRIDGET:" "Ah, Perpetua." "Uh,this is Mark Darcy." "Mark's a top barrister." "Oh,he comes from Garth andUnderwood." "Perpetua is one of my work colleagues." "Why, Mark, I know you by reputation, of course." "Ah, Natasha." "MARK:" "This is BridgetJones." "Bridget, this is Natasha." "Natasha is a top attorney and specializes infamily law." "Bridgetworks in publishing... andusedtoplaynaked inmypaddlingpool." "How odd." "Ha ha." "Perpetua, how's the house hunt going?" "Disaster." "I oughtn't go into itwith you." "By the by,that man is gorgeous." "Ah,yes, Mark." "Just give me time." "Give me time." "[Laughs]" "DANIEL: "You've written asearingvision--"" "Can youremember the restofthis?" "RUSHDIE: "Ofthe wounds ourcentury..." ""has inflicted on traditional masculinity." ""Positively Vonnegut-esgue." Obviously." "Listen,you don't know where the loos are here, do you?" "Uh,yes." "In the hallway." "Thanks." "[Microphone notworking]" "One,two." "[Blows]" "[People chattering]" "Ladies and gentlemen." "L" "BRIDGET:" "L-ladies and..." "L" "Oi!" "Oi!" "Sorry." "The, uh... mike's not..." "work--working." "Ahem." "Ladies andgentlemen... welcome to the launch of "Kafka's Motorbike"..." ""The Greatest Book of OurTime."" "[Mild applause]" "Obviously exceptfor your books, Mr. Rushdie... which are also verygood." "AndLordArcher... yours aren'tbad, either." "[Clears throat]Anyway... uh, whatlmeanis, uh... welcome, ladies andgentlemen." "Thankyouforcoming to the launch of... one of the topthirty books of ourtime." "Anyway, at least." "Andhere to introduce it,ha... properly, ha ha... is, uh,the man we all call, uh..." "BRIDGET'SINNER VOICE:" "[Whispering] Tiits Pervert." "Mr..." "INNER VOICE:" "Tiits Pervert!" "Mr..." "INNER VOICE:" "Tiits Pervert." "Fitzherbert, uh... because... that is his name." "Mr. Fitzherbert." "Thankyou." "[Mild applause]" "FITZHERBERT:" "Thankyou,Brenda." "[Sighs]" "Just switch this on." "[Feedback]" "[Man laughs, people chattering]" "NATASHA:" "So how autobiographical... is yourwork, Salman?" "RUSHDIE:" "Youknow, it's an amazingthing... nobody's everaskedme thatguestion." "Excuse me." "Jones." "Sod 'em all." "DANIEL:" "Itwas abrilliant... post-modernist masterpiece of oratoricalfireworks, really." "Uhh." "You're looking very sexy,Jones." "I think I'm gonna have to take you outto dinner now... whetheryou like it or not, OK?" "Come on, getyour stuff." "[Sighs]" "So how do youfeel about this whole situation... in Chechnya?" "lsn't it a nightmare?" "I couldn't give afuck,Jones." "Now, look, how do you know Arsey Darcy?" "Apparently, I used to run 'round naked... in his paddling pool." "I betyou did,you dirty bitch." "What aboutyou?" "Same." "Yeah." "No, no, I was best man at his wedding." "Um, knew himfrom Cambridge." "He was a mate." "And then what?" "And then, uh...nothing." "You don't need to protect him." "He's nofriend of mine." "Well, um,then... many years later..." "I made the somewhat catastrophic mistake... of introducing him to myfiancee." "And, um..." "I couldn't say, in all honesty, I've ever quiteforgiven him." "God, so... he's a nasty bastard." "And a dull bastard." "Yes." "Yes, I thinkthat'sfair." "Anyway,fuck him." "Listen, don't let him ruin our evening." "Why don'tyou have some more wine... and tell me more about practicing French-kissing... with the other girls at school... because that's a very good story." "Itwasn't French-kissing." "Don't care." "Make it up." "That's an order,Jones." "DANIEL:" "So, um, how about a drink at my place?" "Totally innocent, nofunny business... justfull sex." "No, no, no." "I should get a taxi." "Butthankyou forthe lovely dinner." "It's a pleasure,Jones." "ROSEYSINGING:" "Oh, love" "Love,love" "Oh" "Ooh" "You're alone" "All the time" "Does iteverpuzzle you" "Have you askedwhy youseem" "To falling love" "Andoutagain" "Do youreally everlove" "Orjustpretend" "Oh,baby" "Whyfoolyourself?" "Don'tbe afraid to help yourself" "DANIEL:" "Now these are very silly little boots,Jones." "And this is a very silly little dress." "And, um... these are, uh... fuck me, absolutely enormous panties." "Jesus." "Fuck." "No, no, don't apologize." "I like them." "Hello, Mummy." "ROSEYSINGING:" "Love" "I'm sorry, I have to have another look." "They're too good to be true." "No." "There's nothing to be embarrassed about." "I'm wearing something quite similar myself." "Here, I'll show you." "No." "No." "ROSEYSINGING:" "This time decide" "Thatyou willopen up" "Letit in" "There's no shame insharin'love" "Youfeelwithin" "Sojumprightin" "Headoverheels" "Andfallrightin" "Ha." "Huh." "Thatwasfantastic." "Ohh." "Mmm." "Ay, ay." "BRIDGET:" "Ohh." "Daniel." "Yeah?" "Whathappens atthe office?" "Oh." "Well, I'm glad you asked that." "You see, it's a publishing house." "So that means that people write thingsfor us... and then we print out all the pages... andfasten them together... and make them into what we call a book,Jones." "No, do you think people will notice?" "Notice what?" "Us." "Working together, sleeping together." "Hang on a minute,Jones." "Just slow down." "It started on Tuesday... and now it's Thursday." "It's notexactly... um, a long-term relationship, is it?" "You're very bad." "[Telephone rings]" "[Ring ring]" "Ohh." "[Ring ring]" "Mmm." "BridgetJones, wanton sex goddess... with a very bad man between herthighs." "Mum." "Hi." "BRIDGET:" "It's the truth universally acknowledged... thatthe momentone area ofyourlife starts going OK... anotherpartofit falls spectacularly topieces." "PAMELA:" "Ah, anyone else want to have itoff?" "Haha." "Don'tbe shy,madame." "French." "Have it oeuf." "Ha ha!" "With the wisecrack eggpeeler." "Now, nicefirm grip." "Put it in the hole." "And... up, down, up, down." "And off it comes in your hand." "Oh!" "Mind the over-spray." "Sorry." "Darling, if I came in with my knickers on my head... he wouldn't notice." "I spentthirty-five years cleaning his house... washing his clothes, bringing up his children." "I'm your child,too." "To be honest, darling, having children... isn't all it's cracked upto be." "Given my chance again, I'm not sure I'd have any." "MUM:" "Andnowit's the winterofmylife... and I haven't actually got anything of my own." "I've got no power, no real career... no--no sex life." "I've got no life at all." "I'm like the grasshopper who sang all summer." "I'm like Germaine sodding Geer." "Greer." "Well, anyway, I'm not having it." "And I've been talent spotted." "Julian thinks I've got great potential." "Who's Julian?" "From the Home Shopping Channel." "Comes into the store to have his colors done." "Potentialforwhat?" "As a demonstrator on his cable show." "You know, his assistant." "Apparently, it's the highest- ratedshow on the channel." "Well, apartfrom the one... where thefat people beat uptheir relatives." "Ooh!" "I mustwiz." "Have you heardfrom Mark Darcy?" "Good-bye, Mum." "THEDRAMATICS SINGING:" "Mrs." "Mrs. Jones" "MUM:" "Julian." "Sorry to keepyou waiting." "THEDRAMATICS SINGING:" "Goin' on andon andon andon" "BRIDGET:" "Andafew weeks later, itgotlots worse." "Hello!" "Look atthis." "JULIAN:" "Payingoff this heart-shapedpendant." "One of my own personal recommendations... is this absolutely stunning... matching necklace and earring set." "JULIAN:" "The earrings measuring justovera centimeter... in genuine diamante with two pairs in lapis lazuli... in a lovely mock-goldfinish." "JULIAN:" "The exactreplica ofthose worn at Wiimbledon... in 1993 by Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Kent." "[Turns off sound]" "Well." "Has she actually moved outthen?" "Apparently, she and this tangerine-tinted buffoon... are suddenly anitem." "Half ourfriends have had them around to bloody dinner." "DAD:" "She's even takingJaundice Julian... to Una Alconbury's Tarts and Vicars party." "That's notthe Pamela I knew." "That's cruel." "BRIDGET:" "Well,still, couldbe agolden opportunity." "Ifyouspentthe entireparty flirtingwith otherwomen... itwould drive Mum wild with jealousy." "DAD:" "What?" "BRIDGET:" "That's howlgotmyman." "Have you got a boyfriend?" "A real one?" "I have, Father." "I have." "And he's perfect." "[Car horn honking]" "[Revs engine]" "BRIDGET:" "Hurrah." "Am no longertragicspinster... butpropergirlfriend ofbonafide sexgod... so committed thathe's takingme... on afull-blownmini-break holiday weekend." "DANIEL:" "Just promise me we don't have to sit... in any little boats and read poncey poetry to each other." "BRIDGET:" "He's alsoprotecting me atUncle Geoffrey's... hideous Tarts and Vicars fancy dressparty." "This can'tbejustshagging." "A mini-breakmeans true love." "Suddenly feellike screengoddess... inmannerofGrace Kelly." "Thoughperhaps everso slightly less elegantunderpressure." "It's very quiet here, isn't it?" "Are we the only guests, or..." "We have a wedding this weekend." "I believe there are just four of you not involved." "Oh." "Hmm." "NATASHA:" "You do the boats, I'll do the tea." "Oh,Jesus." "Hello there." "Hi." "MARK:" "Well,well." "I take ityou're also heading forthe Alconbury's rockery." "Yes,that's right." "I brought Natasha." "Get a bit of work done." "Thoughtlmightmake it anotentirely wastedweekend." "How interesting." "What a gripping life you do lead." "DANIEL:" "I'llsee you upstairs in asecond." "Hmm." "Well,the weakness of their case..." "lies in the deposition they made on August30." "BRIDGET:" "Season of mist... and... mellowfruitlessness." "Oh,fuck me, I love Keats." "Have you heard this one?" ""There was a young woman from Ealing..." ""who hadapeculiarfeeling." ""She lay onherback andopenedhercrack..." ""andpissed alloverthe ceiling."" "[Bang] Oh, bollocks." "BRIDGET:" "What've you done?" "I'm boarding you, Bridge." "Don'tyou dare!" "I'm king of the world!" "No!" "Fuck me." "Uhh!" "BRIDGET:" "Aah!" "[Bridget laughs]" "DANIEL:" "Oh,piss andbollocks." "You stupid ass." "[Laughing]" "Bollocks." "All right." "Aah!" "No!" "So childish." "BRIDGET:" "Aah!" "No!" "Yes." "DANIEL:" "Hey,Darce, come onin!" "The water's lovely!" "Come on, you're working too hard,mate." "Ha ha!" "Daniel." "Yes, Bridget?" "Thatthing you just did is actually illegal... in several countries." "Well,that is, of course, the major reason..." "I'm so thrilled to be living in Britain today." "Yes." "I can't understand... why the Prime Minister doesn't mention it more... in his speeches." "You should write to him about it." "BRIDGET:" "lintendto." "Daniel." "DANIEL:" "Bridget." "Do you love me?" "Shut up, or I'll do it again." "Do you love me?" "Right." "You askedfor it." "DANIEL:" "Andoverwe go." "I'm goingto give you somethingto bite on." "Here." "OK?" "Pop this in yourmouth, darling." "[Bridget laughs]" "You're beggingforit." "[Bridget laughs]" "BRIDGET:" "Stopit." "[Laughs]" "No,no." "Hmm." "I gotto go backto town." "A meeting's come up." "On a Sunday?" "DANIEL:" "No." "The meeting's firstthingtomorrow." "I've gotto work on somefigures." "We could just pop into the partyfor a minute." "DANIEL:" "Bridget, I'm reallysorry." "Ijustcan'tdo it." "I've gotto headback." "Listen, Daniel... if you've changed your mind, you could just say so... because, honestly, I don't see what could be so important." "No,well,you wouldn't, would you?" "Because you don't have thefaintest bloody idea... of just how much trouble the company's in." "You swan in in your short skirt... and your sexy see-through blouse... andfanny around with press releases." "Youknow, this is theAmericans flyingin... because they're thinking of shutting us down... forfuck's sake." "Sorry." "I'm sorry, Bridge." "I know I'm being a prat." "Look, I'm going to arrange a lovely car... to come and pickyou up and take you back... to London afterthe party, OK?" "If you have to travel alone, travel in style." "Hmm." "And, um..." "I also think it's very important... thatyou win this costume competition." "Good." "Good start." "Now,then, Miss Jones, where does this go?" "BRIDGET:" "Oh, well,here we go." "Tryinghard to fightoffa vision... ofMum andAuntie Una in fishnettights." "Seems unnatural, wrongeven, for60-year-olds to dress up... asprostitutes andpriests on a Sunday afternoon." "[People chattering]" "[Laughter]" "JULIELONDONSINGING:" "Flyme to the moon" "BRIDGET:" "Oh,holy Jesus." "Bridget." "Where are all the other tarts and vicars?" "UNA:" "Oh, dear." "Didn't Geoffrey callyou?" "Didn'tyou telephone Colin and Bridget?" "How's my little Bridget?" "GEOFFREY:" "Bop,bop." "Oh." "Geoffrey." "So,where's this chap of yours,then, eh?" "Ah,yes,well, he had to work, so..." "Ha!" "A likely tale." "Off they run." "Whee!" "[Laughs weakly]" "JULIELONDONSINGING:" "You are aIIllongfor" "Bizarre what some men find attractive." "Oh, God." "MUM:" "Darling!" "Geoffrey!" "What on earth are you wearing?" "You look like a common prostitute." "Yes,well,thatwas, actually,the point." "Say hi to Julian." "Hello,Julian." "My dear... you and your mother could be sisters." "JULIAN:" "Andwhatalovelybracelet." "It's what I call an all-arounder-- the sort of thing one can wear with anything to any occasion." "Oh." "Have you spoken to my dad?" "Yes." "He's behaving most bizarrely." "I think he was actually trying toflirt... with Penny Husbands-Bosworth, poorthing." "She was veryfrightened." "She's only just had her ovaries done." "I don't know what you ever saw in him." "Shh." "Bad man." "[Both laugh]" "[Breathes deeply]" "[Footsteps]" "Heh heh." "Didn'ttell you, either." "[Laughs]" "No." "I didn't spend as much as Bernard,thank God." "BRIDGET:" "Oh." "I'm sorry, Dad." "The way she looked at me." "Well, she loves you, really." "You love each other." "This is only a temporary glitch." "Is it?" "I don't know." "DAD:" "ldon'tknow." "UNA:" "Ah, Bridget,there you are." "Don'tworry." "You're notthe only one." "This is Penny." "Geoffrey didn't get in touch with her, either." "I'm sorry?" "I was just saying Geoffrey didn't contactyou, either... to tell you that the Tarts and Vicars concept... had gone out of the window." "Oh,yes, he did." "Oh, right." "Lovely dress." "Very exotic." "What a shame you couldn't bring your boyfriend, Bridget." "What's his name?" "David?" "Darren?" "MARK:" "Daniel Cleaver." "Oh." "Is he afriend of yours, Mark?" "Absolutely not." "I hope he's good enough for our little Bridget." "I think I can say with total confidence absolutely not." "Well, I'm sure he'd say the same aboutyou... given your past behavior." "Sorry?" "I thinkyou know what I mean." "Mark." "BRIDGET:" "Hmm." "Looks likeAuntie Shirley... didn'tgetthe message, either." "[Doorbell rings]" "Hi." "I really, really wanted to see afriendlyface." "Oh, now, listen, I'll tell you what." "I have an idea." "Let mefinish this... while you go home, have a long hot bath... and I'll call round, and we'll have dinner later, OK?" "[Door closes]" "Is there someone here?" "Notthat I'm aware of." "Unless that Bosnianfamily has moved in again." "Bastards." "[Laughs] Oh." "I'm sorry." "Sorry." "I'm going mad." "Listen, I amfeeling really bad, actually." "I should've been there today." "No, I'm sorry." "No, no, I'm sorry... but at least I got a hell of a lot of work done." "Just give me one more hour, OK?" "Fine." "That'sfine." "I will go home and de-bunny." "Oh... and you know last night when I said that I loved you?" "Mm-hmm." "I didn't mean it." "I was being ironic." "Oh, God,yeah, I know, I know." "All right." "Thankyou, madam." "Mmm." "[Drops bag]" "Bridge." "Bridget." "This is Larafrom the New York office." "Lara,this is Bridget." "Hey,there." "LARA:" "I thoughtyou said she was thin." "ALEX:" "Iwas hopingthatyou wouldwantto be apartofit." "[Bridget sniffles]" "DAN:" "This is totally insane." "I'm 36years old." "It may be my last chance to have a child." "Alex." "Aah!" "NARRATOR:" "The malepenetrates the female andleaves." "Coitus is brief andperfunctory... andthe female..." "[Continues indistinctly]" "That's wonderful." "DANIEL:" "Well,idon'tthinkit's bad." "DANIEL:" "Right." "BRIDGET:" "We've had verygoodresponse... to the Teddy Knows Best teaser campaign and had various local radio bitsfor" "Look, Bridge, stopthat." "DANIEL:" "Ifeel...terrible." "The thingis... with Lara and me... well, youknow..." "No." "You'll have tofill me in." "Well,the truth is... the truth is,we're the same, Bridge,you and me." "You know?" "We're two people of a certain age..." "Iookingforthe momentto commit andfinding it really hard." "And I justthink that in the end... it's gotto be something extraordinary... something which makes us go that extra mile." "And I think..." "Lara and" "Idon'tknow, beingAmerican andall... it has something to do with confidence and being so... well,young,you know?" "Well,we've...become very close." "Well,you've only just met her." "Sheflew in yesterday." "Uh..." "Oh." "Silly Bridget." "You haven't only just met her." "DANIEL:" "No." "No." "I gotto know her pretty well... when we were in the New York office together." "Oh." "Oh,fuck." "There's no easy way to say this,but, um..." "I wanted you to be thefirst to know that... we're engaged." "BRIDGET:" "Attimes like this... continuingwith one's life seems impossible... andeatingthe entire contents ofone's fridge... seems inevitable." "Ihave two choices-- to give up andacceptpermanent state ofspinsterhood... andeventualeatingby dogs..." "ornot." "[Sighs]" "Andthis time,ichoose not." "Iwillnotbe defeated... by abadman andanAmericanstickinsect." "Instead,ichoose vodka... andChakaKhan." "[Disco music playing]" "CHAKA KHANSINGING:" "I'm every woman" "It's allinme" "Anythingyou wantdone,baby" "I'll do itnaturally" "Mmm" "I'm every woman" "It's allinme" "Icanbe the mostrightnow" "EverygirlfromA to Z" "Whoa, whoa, whoa" "Whoa, whoa, whoa" "Whoa" "Ahh." "Ohh!" "CHAKA KAHNSINGING:" "ican castaspell" "Fuck." "CHAKA KAHNSINGING:" "Ofsecrets you can'ttell" "Mix aspecialgroove" "Putfire inside ofyou" "Any time youfeeldanger..." "Why do you want to be in television?" "Well, I've realized that I've become deeply committed... to communicating to the public... the up-to-the-moment and in-depth news... both political and ecological." "What do you think of the EI Nino phenomenon?" "BRIDGET:" "Um...it's ablip." "I think, basically, Latin music is on its way out." "So,why do you want to work in television?" "Because I'm passionately committed... to communicating with children." "They are thefuture." "Do you have any children of your own?" "Oh, Christ, no." "Yuck!" "[Laughs]" "BRIDGET:" "Ah." "Sorry." "MAN:" "So, why do you want to work in television?" "I've gotto leave my currentjob because I've shagged my boss." "Fair enough." "Start on Monday." "We'll see how we go." "Oh, and... incidentally... at "Sit Up, Britain"... no one ever gets sacked for shagging the boss." "That's a matter of principle." "Oh, Bridget." "Come on, it's..." "I mean, I know it's been awkward as ass... butthere's no need to leave." "No, actually,there is." "I've been offered a job in television." "Television?" "Mmm." "And they want me to start straightaway." "So I've gotto leave in about, ooh,three minutes... so, um..." "Whoa." "Just hold it rightthere, Miss Jones." "I'm sorry to inform you... but I thinkyou'llfind that by contract... you're expected to give at least six weeks notice." "BRIDGET:" "Ah, yes, well..." "I thoughtwith the company being in so much trouble and all... you wouldn't really miss... the person who waltzes in in a see-through top... andfannies about with the press releases." "Bridget." "I wantto hearthis, because if she gives one inch..." "I'm going tofire her bony little bottom anyway... for being totally spineless." "What?" "Well, I justthink you should know that, um... there are lots of prospects herefor a talented person." "Just give me a minute, will you, Simon?" "Thanks." "Right-o, boss man." "Lots of prospects for a person who... you know, perhaps for personal reasons... has been slightly overlooked professionally." "Thankyou, Daniel." "That is very good to know... butifstayinghere... means working within 10 yards ofyou... frankly, I'd rather have a job wiping Saddam Hussein's ass." "ARETHA FRANKLINSINGING:" "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" "Findout whatitmeans to me" "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" "Takin' care ofT.C.B" "Sockitto me, sockitto me" "Sockitto me, sockitto me" "Well, bye, everyone." "[Singing] Justalittle bit" "Justalittle bit" "Igettired" "Butkeep on tryin'" "You're runnin' outoffools" "[Song stops]" "Oh,just sod off." "HOST:" "Hello and welcome to "Sit Up, Britain."" "OK, everybody, it is bonfire night... and we are onfire." "RICHARD:" "We have live fire stationfeeds... from Newcastle, Swansea, Sheffield, andLewisham... just poisedfortragedy." "BridgetJones,where are you?" "I'm here, Richard." "Put on some more makeup." "I wantyou on-camera." "But" "RICHARD:" "I'm thinking...miniskirt." "I'm thinkingfireman's helmet." "Iwantyoupointingahose." "I wantyou sliding down the pole... and then go straight into the interview." "Great." "I'll do it." "No problem." "Fine." "Right." "So,you drop into shot... andtheninterview ChiefFiremanBevan." "Yep, yep, yep." "Go, go." "Go, go." "Go!" "Go?" "NEVILLE:" "Oh,no." "We're goingto Newcastle first." "Stop!" "Climb back up." "On youin thirtyseconds." "OK." "[Grunts]" "RICHARD:" "Neville, what the fuckis goingon?" "She's supposedto be slidingdown thepole..." "not climbing up it." "Go, go, go, go, go!" "Oh, OK." "Oh!" "Oh,Jesus Christ." "Uhh!" "Uhh!" "OK,we're out of time." "We're out of time." "RICHARD:" "Justwind 'erup." "Well,that seems to be about all we've gottimefor... down here in Lewisham." "Uh, Chief Officer Bevan, thankyou very much." "Excellentfire station." "BRIDGET:" "Uh, andnow... backto the studio." "BRIDGET:" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "BRIDGET:" "Excellent." "Am nationallaughingstock." "Have bottom the size ofBrazil." "Am daughterofbrokenhome... andrubbish ateverythingand... oh, God." "I'm havingdinner with Magda andJeremy." "The only thingworse than asmugmarriedcouple" "lots of smug married couples." "Right, everyone." "This is Bridget." "Bridge,this is Hugo and Jane." "MAGDA:" "And, obviously, youknow, ofcourse..." "Cosmo and Woney." "Hi, Bridge." "Hi, Bridge." "MAGDA:" "This is AlistairandHenrietta..." "Julia andMichael..." "Joanne andPaul... andJeremy'spartners from chambers." "This is Natasha Glenville and Mark Darcy." "Hi,there." "Hello." "Not in your bunny girl outfittoday?" "BRIDGET:" "No." "We bunnies only wear ourtails on very special occasions." "Sityourself down." "Right." "Hey, Bridge, how's your love life?" "Oh..." "COSMO:" "Stillgoingout with thatpublishingchappie?" "Uh, no, no." "Terribly brill." "COSMO:" "Neverdip yournib in the office ink." "Right." "COSMO:" "Youreally oughtto hurry up... andgetspruggedup, youknow, oldgirl?" "Time's a-running out." "Tick-tock." "Yes,yes." "Uh,tell me, is it one infour marriages... that ends in divorce now or one in three?" "One in three." "COSMO:" "Seriously, though." "Offices fullofsingle girls in their thirties-- fine physical specimens... buttheyjustcan'tseem to hold down a chap." "WONEY:" "Yes." "Whyis it... there are so many unmarried women in theirthirties... these days, Bridget?" "[Mark sets down silverware]" "[Laughs]" "Oh, I don't know." "Suppose it doesn't help that underneath our clothes... our entire bodies are covered in scales." "[Faint laughter]" "MARK:" "I very much enjoyed... your Lewishamfire report, by the way." "Thankyou." "I just... yeah,well." "So." "It didn'twork out with Daniel Cleaver?" "No, it didn't." "I'm delighted to hear it." "Look, are you and Cosmo in this together?" "I mean,you seem to go out of yourway... to try to make mefeel like a complete idiot... every time I see you, and you really needn't bother." "I alreadyfeel like an idiot most of the time anyway-- with orwithout afireman's pole." "[Doorbell buzzes]" "BRIDGET:" "That'llbe my taxi." "Good night." "Look, um..." "I'm sorry if I've been..." "What?" "I don'tthink you're an idiot at all." "I mean,there are elements of the ridiculous aboutyou." "Your mother's pretty interesting." "And you really are... an appallingly bad public speaker." "Andyou tendto let whatever's in yourhead... come out of your mouth... without much consideration of the consequences." "Irealize thatwhenlmetyou atthe turkey currybuffet... that I was unforgivably rude and wearing a reindeerjumper... that my mother had given me the day before." "Butthe thingis, um... what I'm trying to say very inarticulately is... that, um... infact... perhaps, despite appearances..." "I like you very much." "Ah." "Apartfrom the smoking and the drinking... and the vulgar mother and the verbal diarrhea." "No." "I like you very much-- just as you are." "Mark,we really are making progress on the case in here." "NATASHA:" "Jeremy's had the mostbrilliantidea." "[Snaps fingers] MARK:" "Right." "Right." "I must go, because... well... bye." "VANMORRISIONSINGING:" "Someone exactly like you" "I've been travelin' allaroundthe world" "Just as you are?" "Notthinner?" "Not cleverer?" "Notwith slightly bigger breasts and a slightly smaller nose?" "VANMORRISONSINGING:" "Someone like you" "BRIDGET:" "Mm-mmm." "VANMORRISONSINGING:" "To make itallworthwhile" "Well... fuck me." "VANMORRISONSINGING:" "Keepme satisfied" "Someone exactly like you" "Butthis is someone you hate, right?" "Mmm." "Mmm." "Yes,yes." "I hate him." "[Laughs]" "[Barking]" "VANMORRISIONSINGING:" "I've been travelingahardroad" "BRIDGET:" "November9." "Weight--138pounds." "Cigarettes--three." "Birthday--thirty-three." "OK, Bridget, see if you can get it rightthis time." "The verdict in the Aghani-Heaney case is expected today." "Getyourself down to the high court." "I want a hardheaded interview." "You do know the Aghani-Heaney case?" "Yes, of course." "Big case... featuring someone called Aghanihini." "Ortwo people called KafirAghani and Eleanor Heaney." "That's the one." "She's a British aid worker." "He's a Kurdishfreedomfighter." "The government wantto extradite him home... where he'll certainly be executed." "She's married to him... and theyfoughtforfive years to keep him here." "Today is the decision." "Oh,that's exciting." "Yes, it is..." "so what are you waitingfor?" "BRIDGET:" "Am suddenly hard-headedjournalist... ruthlessly committedto promotingjustice andliberty." "Nothingcan distractme from my dedication... to thepursuitoftruth." "Well, almostnothing." "Right." "I'll just pop to the shopfor some ciggies." "BRIDGET: 14p forthe Polos andpacketof Wheat Crunchies." "MARK:" "PacketofEmbassy,please." "I'm sorry." "I'm not quitefin" "Good afternoon." "Hi." "You like me justthe way I am." "Sorry?" "Nothing." "Bridget, we'vefucked up utterly." "Eleanor Heaney and KafirAghani have come and gone." "Oh, God." "I'll be sacked." "Did the others get interviews?" "I don't know." "I was having a slash." "Actually, nobody got interviews." "How do you know?" "Because I was defending him... and I told him notto give any interviews." "Look..." "MARK:" "lhave aplan." "And action." "Mr. Darcy, you were defending Mr. Aghani." "You must be delighted." "Yes,well, KafirAghani has spent his entire life... defending the basichumanrights... ofhis ownpeople, andtoday's verdict... has been the result offive years of struggle... by this woman, Eleanor Heaney... to save the man she loves from an extradition order... thatwould've been tantamount to a deathsentence." "Right." "BRIDGET:" "And, Eleanor, overto you." "Did youfancy Kafir thefirsttime thatyou saw him?" "[Laughs]" "This has beenBridgetJones for "Sit Up,Britain"... with, let'sface it, a bit of a crush now, actually." "Good afternoon." "BridgetJones-- already a legend." "ARTFUL DODGERSINGING:" "lfeelfantastic,boombastic" "Ecstatically astounded" "Gotagirl who canreally use herbrain" "Ifeelsurrounded, confounded" "Emotionally dumbfounded" "BRIDGET:" "Oh,joy." "Iam broadcastinggenius." "Celebratingby cookingbirthday feastforclose friends." "Have sneakingsuspicion... am also somethingofagenius in the kitchen as well." "Tieflavor-enhancing leek and celery togetherwith string." "Right." "String." "String,string,string." "Perfect." "ARTFUL DODGER SINGING:" "I don'tthink so" "Finely slice oranges and grate zest." "ARTFUL DODGERSINGING:" "Why don'tyouleave it there?" "Ifeelfantastic, boombastic, ecstatic..." "Aah!" "Oh, bugger!" "Oh, bugger, bugger!" "ARTFUL DODGERSINGING:" "lfeelsurrounded, confounded" "Emotionally dumbfounded" "Where thefuck is thefucking tuna?" "Oh,this is BridgetJones for "Sit Up, Britain"... searchingfortuna." "[Telephone rings]" "BridgetJones." "Hello, darling." "Hi, Mum." "I justwanted a bit of a chat." "Ouch!" "Careful,you ham-fisted cunt!" "The thing is, darling, I'm" "Between you and me, I'm not entirely sure... thatJulian isn't a bit of a shit." "BRIDGET:" "Yes, well, youknow, Mum..." "I haven't really gottime right now." "Oh, I..." "I can't deny the sex is still very surprising." "You know,the other night, quite unexpectedly..." "I was just dozing off, and lfeltthis huge" "Bye, Mum." "[Hangs up]" "Ecch." "[Knock on door]" "Oh." "Who can be calling now?" "Oh." "The doorwas open." "MARK:" "Icame to congratulate... the newface of British current affairs." "BRIDGET:" "Huh." "But I see I may have come at a bad time." "How's it look?" "Great." "It's, um...blue." "[Gasps] Blue?" "MARK:" "No, but blue is good." "If you ask me, there isn't enough bluefood." "Oh, shit." "It must've been the string." "Oh, it's string soup?" "[Laughs]" "Oh, God." "They're going to be here any minute." "Well, don'tworry." "I'm sure they've come to see you... and not orange parfait in sugar cages." "Have a drink." "Yes." "Happy birthday." "Thankyou." "[Laughs]" "[Sighs]" "Did I really run round your lawn naked?" "Oh,yes." "You werefour, and I was eight." "Well,that's a pretty big age difference." "It's quite pervy, really." "Yes, I like to think so." "BRIDGET:" "Whatare we going to do aboutthis dinner, then?" "We can have blue soupto start, orange pudding to end, and... well,for main course, we have... uh, congealed green gunge." "That is caper berry gravy." "Oh,yes." "Yeah." "Do you have eggs?" "Yes." "Right." "Omelet it is,then." "Ah." "With caper berry gravy." "You wouldn't by any chance have any beet root cubes?" "A mini-gherkin, stuffed olive?" "No, Pam, and besides, I'm busy." "The gravy needs sieving." "Surely not." "Just stir it, Una." "[Doorbell buzzes]" "SHELBYLYNNESINGING:" "ln the dark" "Icanhear" "[Bridget opens door]" "SHAZZER:" "Happy, happy birthday!" "Hey,TV queen." "Hey, Bridge, you lookedfantastic." "Hello." "Hello." "TOM:" "Are youjoiningus?" "Yeah." "Yeah, of course." "SHELBYLYNNESINGING:" "Whatdidyousay?" "It's OK" "[Laughs]" "SHELBYLYNNESINGING:" "Mmm,mmm" "Didyoumiss me?" "Excellent." "Mmm." "Yeah." "Delicious." "TOM:" "Reallyspecial." "It's really--really very good." "SHAZZER:" "Really." "It's verynice." "[Laughter]" "SHAZZER:" "Say..." "Mmm." "Mark, why did yourwife leave you?" "Mmm." "Eat up." "Eat up." "Two more lovely courses to go." "SHELBYLYNNESINGING:" "Make itmine" "They can talk" "Mmm, delicious." "[Laughter]" "I have to say,this really is the most incredible shit." "[Laughter]" "This is the worst of the three." "It does actually remind me of something." "Ittastes like" "Marmalade." "TOM:" "Well done,Bridge." "Fourhours ofcarefulcooking andafeastofblue soup... omelet, andmarmalade." "Thankyou." "I thinkthat deserves a toast, don'tyou?" "To Bridget... who cannotcook, butwho we love... just as she is." "ALL:" "To Bridget... just as she is." "SHELBYLYNNESINGING:" "Didyoumiss me?" "Didyoumiss me?" "[Doorbell buzzes]" "I'll go." "[Door opens]" "Who?" "Ah." "Sorry, sorry, sorry." "I'm obviously interrupting a..." "Darcy." "What brings you here?" "Oh, right." "Yeah." "I should've guessed, shouldn't I?" "Hi." "I'm Tom." "It's really good to meetyou at last." "Yeah, listen, I just came to, uh..." "DANIEL:" "lthought youmightbe on yourown." "Huh." "What an idiot." "Excuse me." "I've been going crazy." "I can't stopthinking aboutyou... and thinking what afucking idiot I've been." "Christ, is that blue soup?" "Yes." "That Sunday in the country..." "Come outside." "[Distant siren]" "Itwas all just going sofast-- the hotel and thatweekend, meeting your parents." "I just panicked." "You know me." "I'm..." "I'm a terrible disaster... with a posh voice and a bad character." "You're the only one who can save me, Bridge." "I need you." "Withoutyou, twenty yearsfrom now..." "I'll be in some seedy bar with some seedy blonde." "Well,what about Lara?" "Oh, over, over." "totallyfuckingfinito." "Dumped me." "She realized that I hadn't got overyou." "DANIEL:" "lknow you're thinking... it'sjustasex thing, butlpromise you... wheneverlsee thatskimpy little skirton TV..." "I just close my eyes and listen... to all the intelligentthings you've said." "I was thrilled that little Kurdish bloke was setfree." "Bridge..." "I missed you a lot." "Oh, God." "I'm going now." "Bye." "Mark, stay." "We" "No, I don'tthink I will." "DANIEL:" "Well, listen, don'tleave onmybehalf." "I think it's time you and I putthis past behind us." "DANIEL:" "Atleaststay forabirthday drink... with me and Bridge, huh?" "Good-bye, Bridget." "BRIDGET:" "Mark." "Why are you here?" "Bridge..." "Ijusttoldyou whyl'm here." "Why was Mark "Wanker" Darcy here?" "Oh, bloody hell." "Wait a minute." "He's back." "All right, Cleaver, outside." "I'm sorry?" "DANIEL:" "Outside?" "Uh,shouldlbring my duelingpistols ormysword?" "All right." "Hang on." "I should've done this years ago." "Done what?" "This." "Ooh!" "Fuck!" "Fuck me,that hurt!" "Ahh!" "Whatthefuck do you thinkyou're doing?" "This." "Aah!" "Aah!" "Oh, Christ, not again." "Uhh!" "[Music playing]" "Fight!" "MAN:" "What?" "Well, quick!" "It's a realfight!" "MAN:" "It's afight!" "DANIEL:" "Allright, allright, allright." "Igive up." "Igive up." "Just give me a moment, all right?" "Just..." "Letme getamoment's breakhere, OK?" "[Crowd yells]" "Cheat!" "TOM:" "Cheat!" "Cheat!" "["It's Raining Men" playing]" "I should've knew it!" "[Speaking native language]" "Ow, ow, ow, ow!" "Whose side are we on?" "Mark's, obviously." "He's never dumped Bridget for some naked American." "And he said he liked her justthe way she is." "Yeah, but he also shagged Daniel'sfiancee... and left him brokenhearted." "Good point." "It's a very hard one to call." "GERRIHALLIWELL SINGING:" "It's rainingmen" "Hallelujah, it's rainingmen" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" "TOM:" "Oh,yes!" "Mark!" "I'm so sorry." "I'm so sorry, all right?" "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "Aah!" "Oh, God, I'm sorry." "I really am sorry." "I--I will pay." "Had enough, Darcy?" "Not quite, if that's all right by you." "DANIEL:" "Oh!" "Youbroke mybloodyjaw!" "Happybirthday to you" "ALL SINGING:" "Happybirthday to you" "Happybirthday, dearwhat's-his-name" "Happybirthday to you" "It's rainingmen" "Hallelujah, it's rainingmen" "Uh..." "Ohh..." "Uhh." "Uhh." "Jesus." "Uhh." "All right." "All right?" "Enough." "Enough." "Enough." "Wanker." "[All gasp]" "What is your problem?" "My problem?" "Yes." "You give the impression of being all moral and noble... and normal... and helpful in the kitchen... butyou're just as bad as the rest of them." "Well, I can see that I've been laboring... under a misapprehension." "A very,veryfoolish mistake." "Forgive me." "DANIEL:" "Uhh." "Let's go back upstairs." "Come on." "We belong together,Jones." "Me,you." "Poor little skirt." "Right." "If I can't make itwith you..." "I can't make itwith anyone." "Um..." "That's not a good enough offer for me." "I'm notwilling to gamble my whole life... on someone who's... well, not quite sure." "It's like you said." "I'm still looking for something... more extraordinary than that." "[Singing] Dingdong,merrily onhigh" "BRIDGET:" "December25." "Weight--140pounds..." "Plus forty-two mincepies." "Alcoholunits" "Oh, thousands." "Bugger off!" "Come on, kids." "JULIAN:" "This barogue carriage clock... is a particularfestive favorite of mine... incorporating the Hallelujah Chorus... from Handel's "Messiah"... every hour on the hour." "I don't understand it." "The man's actually turned red now." "Merry Christmas, Pamela." "[Turns off TV]" "Well..." "I'm going to Bedfordshire." "Night, night." "Night, night." "[Door closes]" "[Clock chimes]" "The thing is... well, close up, he was almost purple." "You were such a lovely normal color." "He had afilthy temper." "And,well, the jewelry isfabulous... and really very reasonably priced and..." "I thought I might ask if... we could have another go." "I mean, obviously, with some effort on your part... to pay a bit more attention to me." "I do realize what I'm like sometimes." "It doesn't help thatyou and Bridget... have your lovely grownup club of two... andalways saying..." ""What's silly oldMummy gone anddone this time?"" "You used to be mad about me." "You couldn't get enough of me." "What do you think?" "[Breathes deeply]" "I don't know, Pam." "I just don't know now." "It's been very hard." "[Sobs] Oh, Colin." "[Sobs]" "I'm joking,you daft cow." "Oh!" "[Both laugh]" "Pam, I just don'tworkwithoutyou." "[Both laugh]" "Awful." "[Laughs]" "[Pam laughs]" "Lovely, lovely, lovely." "Get back upthose stairs, young lady." "Get dressed." "BRIDGET:" "Whatfor?" "The Darcys' ruby wedding party." "Whatfor, indeed." "Markwill be there-- still divorced." "He's also still deranged." "I'm not going." "Poor Mark." "It's always a bad time of yearfor him." "You know, his Japanese wife left him on Christmas Day." "Cruel race." "BRIDGET:" "Yes,butl'm notguite sure... he didn'tdeserve it, actually." "She ran off with his bestfriend from Cambridge." "Total scoundrel, apparently." "Best man at his wedding." "PAM:" "Christmas Eve,Mark comes home early from work... finds thepairofthem in amostunorthodoxposition-- starknaked, atit like rabbits." "Just give mefive minutes." "SINGING:" "Ain'tno mountainhigh enough" "DIANA ROSS:" "Oh,ho" "Ain'tno valleylow enough" "Whoo" "Ain'tno riverwide enough" "Stop." "Stopthe car." "Stopthe car." "Dad, get out." "Too slow!" "Ain'tno valleylow enough" "Sayitagain" "Ain'tno riverwide enough" "Hey, to keepme from you" "Dad, get in." "Hurry." "What's your hurry?" "Nottoofast." "Keepme from you" "A bit snowy, isn't it?" "Ain'tno mountainhigh enough" "Oh,ho" "Ain'tno valleylow enough" "Whoo" "Ain'tno riverwide enough" "To keepme from you" "Ain'tno mountainhigh enough" "Ow, ain'tno valleylow enough" "Sayitagain" "Ain'tno riverwide enough" "Hey, to keepme from you" "Sorry." "One moment." "Thankyoufor inviting me." "I didn't." "It must've been my parents." "So..." "So." "Hello, Bridget." "Didn't know you were coming." "NATASHA:" "Mark, yourfather wants to beginA.S.A.P." "Oh, does he?" "Right." "Well, uh..." "Come on, Mark." "Be helpful, please." "The caterers have totally screwed up." "Does nothing work outside of London?" "Hmm?" "Apparently not." "Well, I'd better..." "Listen, uh..." "I owe you an apology about Daniel." "He said thatyou ran off with hisfiancee... and left him brokenhearted, he said." "Ah." "No, itwas the otherway around." "Itwas my wife... my heart." "Sorry." "That's why you always acted so strangely around him... and beat him to a pulp, quite rightly." "Well done." "Well, um..." "BRIDGET:" "Can wejust, um... pop outthere... for a moment?" "MAN:" "Quite delightful, isn't it, my dear?" "BRIDGET:" "OK." "BRIDGET:" "ljusthave something thatlwantto say." "Um..." "You once said thatyou liked me just as I am... and I justwanted to say..." "Iikewise." "Imean... there are stupid things your mum buys you." "Tonight's another classic." "You're haughty, andyou always say the wrongthing... in everysituation." "And I seriously believe thatyou should... rethinkthe length of your sideburns." "Butyou're a nice man... and..." "I like you." "So if you wanted to pop by sometime... that might be nice." "More than nice." "Right." "Crikey." "[Fathertaps glass with silverware]" "FATHER:" "Ladies andgentlemen... couldlhave yourattention foramoment,please?" "Excuse me." "Of course." "...wife and companion Geraldine." "A toastto her, my--my wonderful wife Geraldine." "ALL:" "To Geraldine." "And we, in turn... have been blessed with our son, Mark." "He's always made usproud... and we couldn't be prouder of him... than on this particular day... because I'm thrilled to announce... he has just been invited to be a senior partner... in thefirm of Abbott and Abbott in New York." "[Light applause]" "FATHER:" "He also, incidentally... takes with him his brilliant partner in law..." "Natasha." "And, well,idon't thinkthey'llmind... since we're amongstfriends... if I say that someday this remarkably clever girl... is goingto be something-else-in-law as well." "["Here Comes the Bride" plays]" "I begged him notto say anything." "FATHER:" "So laskyounow... to charge yourglasses once again... to Markandhis Natasha." "ALL:" "To Mark and his Natasha." "BRIDGET:" "No!" "No!" "It's justthat... it's such a terrible pity... f-for England... to lose... such a great legal brain." "Is she pissed?" "What?" "F-forthe people of England..." "like me andyou... to lose one of ourtop people." "Uh... justtop person, really." "WOMAN:" "Ahem." "Well...better dash." "BRIDGET:" "I've got anotherparty to go to." "It's single people." "Mainly...poofs." "Bye." "[Crowd murmurs]" "GABRIELLESINGING:" "Knew the sight" "Wasn'tright" "Iwas stupid" "Fora while" "Sweptaway" "By you" "Andnowlfeel" "Like afool" "So confused" "Myheart's bruised" "Was leverlovedby you?" "Outofreach" "So far" "Ineverhadyourheart" "Outofreach" "Couldn'tsee" "We were nevermeantto be" "Catchmyself" "From the spell" "Icould drowniflstayhere" "Keepin'busy" "Every day" "[Doorbell buzzes]" "Iknowlwillbe OK" "Yes?" "ALL:" "Hi, it's us!" "Oh." "Great." "Come on up." "Have we gotthe most fantastic surpriseforyou." "Oh, no." "You're not going to sing." "Notthatfantastic, sadly, no, but still pretty good." "We've decided we're taking you to Parisforthe weekend." "Forget everything--particularly, forget about Mark Darcy." "I can't believe you said whatyou said you said." "I know." "There goes my invite to the Darcys' nextyear." "If he didn't leap over thefamily heirlooms... and whipyou up in his arms, then sod him." "Yes." "He's clearly the most dreadful coldfish." "Exactly." "I mean,there's been all these bloody hints... and stuff, but has he ever actually... stuck hisfucking tongue down yourfucking throat?" "No." "Not once." "I thinkwe should pack, shouldn'twe?" "Passport, Bridget." "And pants." "Yep, pants." "Hurry up, Bridge!" "We'refreezing our bollocks off out here!" "Yeah." "Justthe keys." "I'm stuck!" "Oh!" "Come thefuck on, Bridget." "JUDE:" "Close the door." "MARK:" "Bridget?" "TOM:" "Stopbeingso bossy." "What are you doing here?" "I justwanted to know if you were available... for bar mitzvahs and christenings... as well as ruby weddings." "Excellent speech." "I thought thatyou were in America." "Well,yes, I was, but, um..." "I realized I'dforgotten something back home." "Which was?" "Well, I realized I'dforgotten to, um... kiss you good-bye." "Do you mind?" "Um.... not really, no." "So... you're not going to America,then?" "No." "No." "Not." "Oh, oh." "You're staying here?" "So itwould seem." "ALL:" "Aah!" "[Yelling, honking car horn]" "SHAZZER:" "Go,Bridget!" "Friends of yours?" "[Laughs]" "No." "I've never seen them before in my life." "SHAZZER:" "Look, are you coming to fuckingParis ornot?" "Not." "Nofucking room anyway." "No." "Maybe we should just go upstairs for a minute." "Yes." "Very good idea." "JUDE:" "No." "Come on, let's go." "No." "Of course she's not coming." "TOM:" "Close it down." "Uh... give me just a minute." "Um...keepyourself busy." "Read something." "Lots of very high-quality magazines... with helpfulfashion and romance tips." "I'll be rightwith you." "[Door closes]" "Definitely an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers." "Right." "Right." "[Door closes]" "Mark?" "Mark?" "Mark!" "Mark!" "Oh." "Oh, shit." "Double shit." "BRIDGET:" "Bollocks!" "Oh, God." "BRIDGET:" "Ooh!" "Wish me luck!" "Good luck, crazy girl!" "Ain'tno mountainhigh enough" "Oh,ho" "Ain'tno valleylow enough" "Ooh" "Ain'tno riverwide enough" "Oh" "To keepme from you" "Ain'tno mountainhigh enough" "Ow, ain'tno valleylow enough" "Sayitagain, ain'tno riverwide enough" "Hey, to keepme from you" "Ain'tno mountainhigh enough" "Nothingcankeepme" "Mark?" "Keepme from you" "Mark!" "Oh, damn." "Ain'tno mountainhigh enough" "No, ain'tno valleylow enough" "I am so sorry." "I'm so sorry." "I didn't mean it." "I mean, I meant it... but I was so stupid that I didn't mean what I meant." "Oh,for Christ's sakes." "It's only a diary." "Everyone knows diaries are justfull of crap." "I know that." "I was just buying you a new one." "Time to make a new start, perhaps." "VANMORRISONSINGING:" "I've beensearchin' alongtime" "[Laughs]" "Forsomeone exactly like you" "I've been traveling allaroundthe world" "Waitin'foryou" "To come through" "Someone like you" "Wiillmake itallworthwhile" "Wait a minute." "Nice boys don't kiss like that." "Oh,yes,theyfucking do." "VANMORRISONSINGING:" "Keepme satisfied" "Someone exactly like you" "Someone exactly like you" "Someone exactly like you" "The bestis yetto come" "The bestis yetto come" "[New song begins]" "ROBBIE WILLIAMS SINGING:" "Have youmetMiss Jones?" "Someone saidas we shookhands" "She wasjustMiss Jones" "To me" "Andnowl've metMiss Jones" "Andwe'llkeep onmeeting" "Tiillwe're done" "Miss Jones andl" "Whoa, fellas" "Andallatonce" "Ilostmybreath" "Andallatonce" "Was scaredto death" "Andallatonce" "Iownedthe earth" "Andsky" "Nowl've metMiss Jones" "Andwe'llkeep onmeeting" "Tiillwe're done" "Miss Jones andl" "Miss Jones andl" "Miss Jones andl" "How!" "SHELBYLYNNESINGING:" "ldidn't mean to hurtyourfeelings" "Itwas so careless ofme" "Iguess I've gone anddone it" "It'sjustamatteroftime" "Nothinglcan do" "Buttellyoul'm sorry" "Andthat's the hardestpart ofall" "'Cause yourlove's the killin'kind" "Yourlove's the killin'kind" "Yeah" "I'dratherwalkonglass" "Thansee teardrops in youreyes" "Andl'dfalltopieces" "Justto holdyou" "The bestthinginmylife" "Andit'sjustluck lgetto love you" "You're the one thing that's right" "You're the light inmyhell's darkness" "'Cause yourlove's the killin'kind" "Yourlove's the killin'kind" "Oh, yeah" "Ijustmightcrynow" "Lie" "Lay down anddie now" "You've done itto me" "You'reputtin'me under" "Iclose my eyes atnight" "Sittin' undersky" "Ilove you andallispleasures" "Baby, feels so right" "My arms won'tbe ofany use atall" "Iflcan'tholdyou" "'Cause yourlove's the killin'kind" "Yourlove's the killin'kind" "[New song begins]" "ROBBIE WILLIAMS:" "Notofthis earth" "You've changedplaces with the sun" "Iknow thatyou're the one" "Ilove whatwe've become" "Notofthis earth" "Notsurprisedwe're unashamed" "She's gonnahave to change hername" "Then we'llknow they'llbe the same" "She's notofthis earth" "Andlbelieve we've seen the worst" "Ifleverleave this world" "You willhave asongto sing" "So youknow whatyou're worth" "Notofthis earth"