"THE IRMA GIRL Based on true events" "There you are." " Should you be drinking coffee?" " I need it, honey." " It makes your sperm even worse." " I forgot about that." "It's just stupid, when..." "Let's swap." " Why can't I eat asparagus, then?" " Because it makes your urine smell." "That's why." "But with me ovulating on Saturday it's stupid   if you drink bucket loads of coffee which will affect your..." "I hate street performers." "Don't they have a school they can go to?" "Whoops!" "It went over here." " Are you passing the hat afterwards?" " No, don't worry." "Don't you think you're overreacting just a bit?" "That's it!" "Where is it?" "Give it to me, honey." " Can I have it?" " No." "It hit our table, so it's ours." "Keep it, then." "I don't care." "Come on, let's go." "That's the price for clowning around!" " What's wrong with you today?" " I haven't had sex for three weeks." "Just wait till Saturday, then." "Honey?" " Why didn't you wash these?" " I didn't think about it." " What am I going to wear tonight?" " The ones you're wearing." " Or start washing your own clothes." " I don't know how." " I'll have to teach you." " I'm too old to learn new things." "Grab that end, please." "One more time." "And then you let go of this one." "No, no." "Keep holding it." " I can't work it out." " Yes, Frank!" "Here comes the naughty ghost..." "Can I open them?" "The naughty ghost won't take no for an answer." "Listen..." "Let's wait until Saturday." "My testicles hurt so much that I can hardly walk." "I look like a cowboy." "One... two..." " Three..." " Stop that!" "There they are." " Typical." "I've just eaten a crisp." " Spit it out." " Is there anything there?" " It's okay." " Good evening, folks..." " Good evening!" " This is Lotte." " Hi." "I'm Frank." "I'm Mia." "Hi, Stig." "What a great place!" "Lots of light..." " Do you want to see the garden?" " Yes, I'd love to." " So..?" " So what?" " She's gorgeous, isn't she?" " Yeah, she's really good-looking." " I've struck gold." " Where did you find her?" " We met at the Rebild Festival." " Don't you always pull there?" " Is it my turn?" " Yes." " We still need the green wedge." " Which fruit was introduced in 1892?" "The banana." "Don't you think women used bananas in the 19th century?" " Thanks for having us." " It's great seeing you." "Who sang "Over to the drawers" and "Gee up, little Lotte"?" "You're kidding!" "Does it really say Lotte?" " Look." " Do you want the card, honey?" ""Gee up, little Lotte"..!" "Wasn't it..." "Ludvig Brandstrup?" " No way!" " Is that the correct answer?" " That calls for a crisp." " A brown question, please." ""What's the Spanish equivalent of the Danish name Karl? "" " Carlo..." " Don't help them." "It's for a cheese!" "Carlo or Carlos..." "It's not Juan." "I have to go to the toilet." " The brown ones are gone." " Make a brown one for us!" " What a nice evening." " I'm glad you enjoy it." " Great place you've got here." " Yes, we like it." "I know the two of you mean a lot to Stig." "If you want to fuck me, go ahead." "We'll go down and play afterwards." "I want to suck your cock." "No, no..." "Lotte, we can't do that." " We just can't." " Come on." "I had to do a number two, you know." "I thought you were shagging." "But you were gone for much longer..." "Cheers!" "I'm staying off alcohol." "It's my sperm quality." "Are you trying for a baby?" "That's so cool!" " Nice evening, eh?" " Yes, it really was." " It was good to see Stig again." " Yes." "He looked great." " Nice girl, I think." "Really lively." " Oh yeah." "She's got a mind of her own, and she's pretty." " I thought she was beautiful." " You're lovely too, honey." "No..." "No." "Not until Saturday." "Maybe it's a bit much having two bikes." "But that one is silver, and the other one is orange." "That one has a larger engine." "It's for the long trips." "The V-Rod will take me to Tuscany and the Sportster to Gilleleje." " In virtually the same time." " Congratulations." "I had a saucy experience last night." "We had Stig Rossen for dinner." "He's got a new girlfriend." "She's really hot." "We were playing Triv." "Suddenly she put her hand on my thigh." "I went to the toilet." "I came out, and there she was." "Before I had time to react she grabbed my willy   and told me to go for it." " Why didn't you?" " Mia was downstairs." "That's so cool!" "The great thing is that you were actually innocent." "She grabs your cock without you asking for it." "How amazing is that?" " Maybe I should tell Mia..." " No, no!" "Don't tell anybody." "Then Stig has to be involved, and everyone has to talk..." "Keep it to yourself." "I've got my own little thing going at the moment." "I went to Irma two weeks ago and saw this girl." "Gorgeous chick." "A bit of a tart, you know." "Huge breasts and tight, little butt." "The whole works..." " Nothing's happened yet, but..!" " Don't." "I'm so horny." "Let's go down and see her." "Honey?" "I'm going to Irma to get..." "Are you going now?" "Get me some sanitary towels and tampons, please." "I'm bleeding like mad, and I've got a discharge problem." "It looks like cottage cheese and stinks like fish." "It's itchy." "I look like raw meat." "Could you get some antifungals?" "Hi, Iben." "Do you mind warning me when you're here?" " You could have said "Hi, Iben"." " You're such an eavesdropper!" " There wasn't time..." " Oh, shut up!" "Frank will remember next time." "I'll get the stuff, honey." "Fuck that..." "Come on." "You're up for a real treat." " Is it the Irma in Østerbro?" " No, it's here in Frederiksberg." " Is it her?" "Over there?" " No, Frank." "You twat!" " The sanitary towels are here." " I just need the biggest size." "Super and Maxi and..." "I think you need some nappies as well." "It sounded like it." "That's her." "Gosh..." "Hold this!" " Hello there, gorgeous." " Hi, Casper." "How are you?" "I'll give you my phone number." "We could have a drink." "They've got a great view over Copenhagen." "Jesus, she's hot, Frank." "Did you see her butt?" " Yes, in passing..." " Go and check it out." "Go on." "Come on!" "I'll wait outside." " Hi." " Hi." " Are you looking for something?" " Tealights, do they still exist?" "How much are they?" "It's 18 kroner for 30." "How many do you need?" "What the hell are you doing?" "You're staring at my butt!" "Those glasses don't make your eyes smaller." "And then you're buying pads for your girlfriend at home?" " No." "These are Casper's." " Casper Christensen?" " They're for his girlfriend, Iben." " He told me they were on standby." " He said what..?" " You think that's funny?" " Has he just said that?" " Yes." " Are they not on standby?" " Yes, they probably are, then." " Great butt, don't you think?" " Oh yes." " Right." "I've changed the sheets." " Great." " Could you light some candles?" " Yes." "God, you look good!" "I wish you could light them all in one go." "This is taking too long." "I'll just switch off the lights." "What happened, Frank?" "What happened?" " What did you do?" " It's my back." "I think I trapped a nerve." "In my lower back." " Don't push!" " Why did you play with that thing?" " I just wanted a little go." " Come up on all fours." "It really hurts." "Could you give me a hand?" "How annoying..." "Watch out." "I need to go to bed." "Oh no..." "It's right down in my lower back." " Could you get me some aspirins?" " That won't get me pregnant." "I don't think I can do it." "Good morning." " Good morning, honey." " How's it going?" "Not too good." "Watch your hand." "I talked to Lotte." "She's agreed to do you." " Today." " What?" "Stig's girlfriend, Lotte, is a chiropractor." "She can do you today." " No." "I don't want to." " Yes." "Then we can still make it." " I'd rather stay here in bed." " Don't be silly, Frank." "It's really sweet of her." " Hi, Frank." "Welcome." " Thanks." " Thanks for the other night." " You too." "How's Mia?" "Don't take off your trousers." "Honestly, Frank!" " I thought I had to undress?" " No." "Just your shirt and vest." "First, I'll adjust your back." "Does it hurt down here?" "Okay." "I have to go a bit higher." "I'll push you gently..." "Right." "I'm going to crawl up here and..." "Just put your nose in the hole." "That's it." "I'm going to manipulate your spine and the nerves." "I'll just rock you a bit." " That's it." "You can stand up now." " Okay." "God, you're sweating!" "No way..." "No, no, no!" " Did you ejaculate?" " Yes." "It's okay, Frank." "Don't worry, Frank." "I won't tell anybody." " No, please don't." " Of course." " Take care." " Bye, bye." "You pillock!" "What are you doing here?" " What's up?" " I just talked to the Irma girl." "You know, the one with the great bazooms." "She found out I'm not on standby with Iben." "Now she's going to the press." "I'm in trouble as well." "I just came in my pants." "Tell me honestly:" "Did you tell her that Iben and I weren't on standby?" " I can't quite remember..." " Do you realise what you've done?" " She hasn't got any proof." " Yes." "I wrote her a note." ""Do you want to screw? " It often does the job." "She's going to give it to the press, with phone number and everything." "We'll pay her 5,000 kroner for the note." "Then she hasn't got any proof." "You'll have to do it." "She's furious with me." "You deal with it." "I've got my own problems." "I'm going home to Mia." "It's your phone number on the note, damn it." "You've got sperm down your thighs, and you look at me like I'm stupid?" " Let's roll." " You wrote my number?" "Give her this and ask her for the note." " And then... we're out." " This is really annoying." "It's also annoying to have you ruin the lie that I've been building up." " I didn't know it was a lie." " Always presume your mate is lying." "Back him up, no matter what." "Afterwards you can tell the truth." " Hi." " Hi." "What are you doing here?" " I've come to get Casper's note." " Do you know how much he hurt me?" "Yeah, well..." "He gave me some money." " You think money buys everything?" " It's 5,000 kroner." " The tabloids will pay 10,000." " Not always." "I know their rates." "5,000 is pretty good." "Peter Mygind paid 3,000 in a similar situation." " You won't go to the press, then?" " No." "It's an unfortunate affair." "I'll be the first to admit that." "What are you doing?" "This is the second time you're ogling my butt!" " God, you're gross!" " Can I have the note?" "What the hell is that?" "Did you just come in your pants?" "No, that happened earlier." "Give me the note." " Piss off!" " I'm leaving now." " Hi, darling." " Hi." "I just talked to Lotte." " About what?" " She said your back is fine." " Oh yes." "Did she say anything else?" " No, she didn't." " Shall we go upstairs, then?" " Yes." "I'm just putting some laundry on." "I think it's on now." "Or..." "I'm not quite sure." " You can't wash these trousers." " Just leave them." "You can't wash them." "They have to be dry-cleaned." "What's that ugly stain?" "Is it sperm, Frank?" " Is it?" " Yes." " How did that happen?" " It was down at Lotte's." " At Lotte's?" " It was really stupid." " Did she massage your willy?" " No." "It was a traditional back rub." "Not some Thai-style massage." "She pushed down on my lower back." " It must have stimulated it..." " What a shame." "All that good sperm." "It sure is." "But we'll have to share the blame on this one." "This one is a fifty-fifty, honey." "How mean of her, doing it in that way." " Is there still life in it?" " Yes, of course." " Cheers." " Cheers." " Cheers, honey." " Cheers, Frank." "Frank had an ejaculation at the chiropractor's." " Did he come in his pants?" " You knew about that." " Why haven't I been told?" " I don't want to discuss his sperm." "How on earth did that happen?" "Who is that chiropractor?" " She's Stig's girlfriend, actually." " Stig's girlfriend made you come?" "I don't know if she was using some new American techniques..." " She did something to my lower back." " It's the couch." "And the friction." " What are you going to do?" " Send the trousers for dry-cleaning." "You can't take them to the dry cleaner!" "All newer washing machines have a dry-cleaning program." " I'll show you." " It must have a sperm program." "Yes, a wash program for sperm, blood and faces." "Otherwise you'd never get your underwear clean!" "You told her, that's fine." "That's why I made that remark about the couch." "What's this note doing in your trousers?" " "I want to screw you."" " It's not mine." "It's your phone number, Frank." "But it's not my handwriting." " Can I see?" " Tell me what this is!" "No, it's not Frank's handwriting." "It's yours, Casper." " It's your handwriting." " Can I see it?" "You always draw that stupid heart that looks like an upside-down butt!" " What do you take me for?" "Jerk!" " Iben, wait." "Thanks, Frank." "You've been a great help." "Iben, wait up!" "I think you should stop seeing each other." " For a month, like last time?" " Yes."