"("Midnight Blues" playing)" "CHARLENE: ♪ Got too much time And nowhere to go ♪" "♪ But I drink enough to say hello ♪" "♪ ♪ But I'm high enough" "Not to give a... ♪ LANA:" "Goddamn it!" "CHERLENE:" "Cut!" "Okay, whoa!" "Cut it, fellas!" "(music stops)" "ARCHER:" "Man, I am blowing this jug." "CHERLENE:" "What the hell is wrong with you?" "LANA:" "You are what's wrong with me!" "It's 5:50 in the goddamn morning!" "CHERLENE:" "Uh, duh, it's called the golden hour." "LANA:" "The..." "PAM:" "The light takes on a special quality." "LANA:" "I know what it means, but..." "CHERLENE:" "Then you know it's the best time to record stuff, so..." "LANA:" "Film!" "It's the best time to record things on film!" "It cannot possibly have any effect on recording audio." "KRIEGER:" "Oh, was I supposed to be recording that?" "CHERLENE:" "Krieger!" "PAM:" "Goddamn it." "(Cherlene growls)" "CHERLENE:" "We're losing the light!" "ARCHER:" "We're not losing me blowing this jug." "MALORY:" "Are you bothering them?" "LANA:" "I am, and also, happy Opposite Day." "MALORY:" "Is she bothering you?" "OTHERS:" "Yes!" "MALORY:" "Stop bothering them." "LANA:" "They're the ones..." "MALORY:" "They are trying to make a record, Lana, and there is a finite amount of golden hour." "LANA:" "Which, again..." "MALORY:" "I know, but if" "Cherlene's happy..." "CHERLENE:" "Outlaw country, woooooo!" "(music playing)" "MALORY: "Woo," exactly." "Then I am happy." "Or at least I will be, once we start selling some records." "LANA:" "I'll be happy when I can sleep without getting up to pee every six minutes." "MALORY:" "Pfft, you think you're not sleeping now?" "Wait till that thing's born." "LANA:" "Oh!" "MALORY:" "So do yourself and those bosoms of yours a favor, and get a wet nurse." "LANA:" "That cannot still be a thing." "MALORY:" "Preferably one who cooks." "We had a Dominican, just lovely, bosoms like... well, like yours, but umpteen babies later." "My God, Sterling loved her." "She was with us nearly four years." "Now what was her name?" "I want to say Mariela?" "Maricela?" "Wait, or Ruby?" "LANA:" "I don't..." "MALORY:" "The point is, they steal from you; it's just the cost of doing business." "(Lana sighs) LANA:" "Steal what?" "We haven't been paid in months, Malory;" "I'm pretty much broke." "MALORY:" "Join the club." "Because believe me, if I had the money, I would get the hell out of this..." "Hillbilly Hilton." "KRIEGER:" "Am I supposed to be recording this?" "PAM:" "Krieger!" "KRIEGER:" "Watch it!" "CHERLENE:" "Goddamn it!" "ARCHER:" "Whoa!" "(jug shattering) Jug down!" "Jug down!" "MALORY:" "As difficult as that would be." "(Archer sobs)" "ARCHER:" "I'm 'a plant a red fern for ya, jug." "MALORY:" "Item one:" "Woodhouse, scrape." "WOODHOUSE:" "Yes, mum." "(all groaning)" "MALORY:" "And gripe all you want, but no one is eating Eggs" "Woodhouse until you people start bringing in some money!" "ARCHER:" "But they were already cooked; what good does it do to throw them away?" "MALORY:" "None." "That's the whole point." "And no cocaine donuts for you!" "PAM (muffled):" "Aw, come on!" "I got to load up my body before" "Krieger sells it all!" "ARCHER:" "Before what?" "CHERLENE:" "What?" "PAM:" "Krieger's selling the cocaine online." "MALORY:" "Are you insane?" "KRIEGER:" "Yeah, if it's insane to use an X-gen asymmetric onion router and digital cryptocurrency to sell your cocaine anonymously and completely risk-free." "Ah..." "Or a lot of the other shit I do." "MALORY:" "But... so do people e-mail you, or...?" "KRIEGER:" "No." "It's like shopping online, only for cocaine." "I've already sold, uh..." "Wow, almost 800 grand worth." "MALORY:" "Really?" "But how do we get paid?" "KRIEGER:" "With a totally untraceable digital currency that we can exchange for real" "U.S. dollars whenever we want." "I call 'em Kriegerrands." "MALORY:" "And then how do they get the cocaine?" "KRIEGER:" "We pack it up and MALORY:" "Oh, for..." "I'll send up some help." "And, missy, you had better watch it." "(noisy chewing) ARCHER (mouth full):" "Jesus, these taste like calluses." "PAM:" "Ew." "CYRIL:" "Gross." "RAY:" "That's so accurate." "ARCHER:" "Lana." "Lana." "La..." "CHERLENE:" "What's up her gigantic giant ass?" "RAY:" "Wh..." "Probably you shitheads!" "OTHERS:" "What did we do?" "RAY:" "Besides keeping everybody up all night with your damn hootenannies..." "ARCHER:" "Wait, that was a hootenanny?" "RAY: ...has anybody even thought about throwing her a goddamn baby shower?" "!" "CHERLENE:" "Ew!" "PAM:" "Um..." "CYRIL:" "Pfft, you mean a bastard sh..." "Ow!" "ARCHER:" "Cyril, shut your pout-hole, accept the fact that Lana was so far out of your league that impregnating her would've basically been interspecies breeding, and get on with your life!" "And then go get a cake." "Okay, Ray..." "MALORY:" "Ray, Cyril, go help Krieger pack the cocaine." "Cherlene, go pick or grin or something, and the rest of you..." "ARCHER:" "We're throwing Lana a baby shower." "MALORY:" "Wh...?" "We haven't done that yet?" "I said move, people!" "Go, go, go, go, go!" "(Ray bleats)" "Idiots." "All right, I need them here making music and packaging cocaine, so this baby shower is up to you." "Don't cock it up like you did" "Texas!" "PAM:" "Hey!" "MALORY:" "Oh, blow it out your ass!" "(Pam farts) (Archer laughs)" "ARCHER:" "I was hoping you'd do that." "Okay, we should make a list." "Item one: some paper to write said list on." "(gasps)" "Item two..." "Woodhouse!" "Get in here!" "WOODHOUSE:" "Sir?" "ARCHER:" "Here, here's... 400 bucks; go get all the stuff for a baby shower: cake, decorations, some of those water guns shaped like dicks..." "PAM:" "I think that's bachelorette parties." "ARCHER:" "Really?" "Wow, okay, that explains..." "Uh, never mind." "And, Woodhouse, if you spend any of this on heroin, you better buy enough to" "O.D. on, bec..." "WOODHOUSE:" "Will do!" "ARCHER:" "Will don't!" "PAM:" "Wait, so if Woodhouse is getting everything we need for the party, then..." "ARCHER:" "Oh, not everything, Pam." "Because... you and I are going to get Kenny Loggins to play" "Lana's baby shower." "PAM:" "Goddamn it." "ARCHER:" "Pam." "Danger zone. ♪ Wait, wait, wait, no." "♪ This is it." "KRIEGER:" "Yeah, you guys box it up, I slap on a mailing label from the printer, bing bang boom, it's good to go zoom." "CYRIL:" "So, why are we in our underwear?" "KRIEGER:" "Eh, don't worry about it." "PAM:" "Because it kind of seems like this is about you and not really about Lana." "ARCHER:" "Okay, A, Lana loves Kenny Loggins." "PAM:" "Really?" "ARCHER:" "I don't know." "I mean, I assume she does." "I do." "GUARD:" "Whoa, whoa, where you think you're going?" "ARCHER:" "Uh, well, to give Mr. Loggins his wardrobe." "GUARD:" "Not without a pass you're not." "ARCHER:" "Yeah, we..." "PAM:" "Hey, I appreciate you're just doing your job, but if Kenny doesn't get this embroidered hippie shirt and these gigantic bell-bottoms, I highly doubt you'll have a job tomorrow." "GUARD:" "Look, he ain't even here." "He's probably still at the Tuntmore." "PAM:" "Now, was that so hard..." "neck nuts?" "ARCHER:" "Good instincts back there, Pam." "That's what we field agents call..." "Hmm." "Guess I'm not a field agent anymore though." "(Pam laughs) PAM:" "Man, you got to miss it." "What a rush!" "ARCHER:" "Yeah, I miss it, but calm down." "Jesus, it's not like you killed a guy." "Taxi!" "(car door closes) Okay, so phase two may call for some field craft." "A, there's no way a superstar like Kenny Loggins is gonna be registered under his own name." "PAM (laughs):" "Yeah." "It's not like he's Messina." "ARCHER:" "Don't do that." "Don't ever do that!" "PAM:" "Sorry!" "Geez!" "ARCHER:" "You should be." "Jim Messina is a genius, and without him, no Poco." "Where was I?" "Oh, yeah, we'll probably need to access the computer terminal at reception, so just follow my lead." "PAM:" "Could I just follow" "Kenny Loggins?" "ARCHER:" "Wha...?" "KENNY LOGGINS:" "Well, maybe because it's in the rider, which I'll be happy to come down there and shove up his ass." "ARCHER:" "Uh, excuse me, Mr.Loggins?" "Hi, I'm, uh..." "KENNY LOGGINS:" "Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh." "ARCHER:" "What the shit," "Loggins?" "!" "KENNY LOGGINS:" "Ricky, bad touch!" "RICKY:" "Hands off Mr. Loggins!" "ARCHER:" "Hands off me, Lurch." "Look at my suit." "KENNY LOGGINS:" "Zap, Ricky, zap!" "ARCHER:" "Hey..." "Aah!" "(Pam screams)" "KENNY LOGGINS:" "Uh, hang on." "Hit him again." "PAM:" "Wait!" "No, no, no, no!" "ARCHER:" "What?" "!" "I... (grunting gibberish) KENNY LOGGINS:" "What's that?" "No, no, never mind." "It's just a fan." "(Archer groans) PAM:" "Holy shit zaps!" "Are you okay?" "(Archer coughs)" "ARCHER:" "Yeah, and I don't know about you, but" "I'm gonna be pretty upset if I end up having to murder Kenny Loggins." "Meh." "ARCHER:" "Yeah, that's fair!" "Kick out the guy whose custom" "Super 220 wool suit was ruined by Kenny Loggins!" "And where were you during all that?" "PAM:" "Oh, man, I was like, "What?" "!"" "So, what's up?" "What's the plan?" "ARCHER: (sighs) The plan is shut up and come on." "GILLETTE:" "No, we have to play games at the baby shower." "There's Don't Drop the Baby, uh," "Dirty Diaper Game..." "CYRIL:" "What in God's name is the Dirty Diaper Game?" "GILLETTE:" "Oh, my God, it's hilarious." "You get a bunch of newborn diapers, then you microwave different candy bars..." "CYRIL:" "Stop!" "Yeah, let me just stop you there, because if you finish that sentence, I'm going to rub cocaine in your eyes until you are blind." "GILLETTE:" "Goddamn, Shawshank." "LANA:" "Uh, Malory?" "(Malory screams)" "LANA:" "What?" "!" "MALORY:" "What... do you want?" "Jesus." "LANA:" "I, um..." "Okay, so, as you know, or should know, I'm pregnant and..." "MALORY: (sighs) Lana, it's too late to..." "LANA:" "Okay, let me stop you." "Having the baby-- don't know why that's such a mindbender for everybody, but..." "MALORY (chuckling):" "Well..." "LANA:" "But..." "Hush." "I have a lot of pretty major expenses coming up, and since we haven't been paid..." "(sighs) Look, I hate to ask, but" "I need..." "MALORY:" "WIC!" "LANA:" "What?" "MALORY:" "It's like welfare but for babies." "I don't know" " I'm not a" "Democrat." "But I think they give you a birth cheese." "I only had $200." "MALORY:" "Not you." "Really?" "$200?" "ARCHER:" "Okay, there's $200 for the uniforms, $100 for the sweet wigs and another $300 for Kenny Loggins' room number." "HOUSEKEEPER:" "Mm-hmm." "PAM:" "So, I'm curious-- why didn't you just call Cherlene, who owns the hotel?" "ARCHER: (sighs) And I'm curious-- why didn't you remind me about that until just now?" "PAM:" "You said shut up," "J. Alfred Gotrocks." "ARCHER:" "What?" "PAM:" "We haven't been paid in forever." "Where are you getting all this money?" "ARCHER:" "I, uh..." "sold some artwork?" "CHERLENE:" "Goddamn it!" "What did I tell you about staying up on the wall, ghosts?" "!" "ARCHER:" "Okay, since I am or was a world-class secret agent, when we get up to his room, do actually follow my lead or..." "PAM:" "Hang on, let me grab a name tag." "ARCHER: (gasps) Ruby!" "Ruby!" "Is there a Ruby?" "See if there's a Ruby." "Is there a Ruby?" "!" "PAM:" "It's pretty close to" "Ruby." "ARCHER:" "No, Pam, it isn't." "PAM:" "Well, why do..." "ARCHER:" "Don't worry about it." "Let it go." "And give me one of those mints." "PAM:" "Dude, they're cocaine." "ARCHER: (sighs) Of course they are." "PAM: (laughs) Right?" "ARCHER:" "All right, here's the penthouse." "Now, I cannot stress this enough, Pam: follow my lead." "PAM:" "Okay." "ARCHER:" "Room ser..." "PAM:" "Housekeeping!" "ARCHER: (clears throat) What did I just..." "PAM:" "Prostitute!" "(gasps, grunts) RICKY:" "What the hell is your problem?" "PAM:" "Besides my face hurts?" "KENNY LOGGINS:" "Why do I pay you 20 grand a month?" "I don't want to read about Kenny Loggins;" "I want to read about" "K-Log." "(sighs) Jesus, don't ever get a publicist." "ARCHER:" "Well, as a lowly room service waiter, I probably won't, but..." "Wow." "Okay, uh..." "KENNY LOGGINS:" "K-Log didn't order room service." "ARCHER:" "Sure, you did." "KENNY LOGGINS:" "No, I didn't." "(crash, glass shatters)" "(Pam grunting) ARCHER:" "A housekeeper and/or prostitute?" "KENNY LOGGINS:" "You think" "K-Log needs to pay for sex, do you?" "ARCHER:" "Mm... no, but, that being said, I do think he needs to reevaluate this whole K-Log thing." "KENNY LOGGINS:" "Oh, yeah?" "Well, I think you need to reevaluate your face." "ARCHER:" "My..." "Oh." "(chuckles) Okay." "I can explain that." "KENNY LOGGINS:" "How?" "ARCHER:" "Uh..." " Lip chemo?" " It's the crazy guy from the lobby!" "Which means you're no prostitute." "And that being said," "I am open to blow jobs for money." "I only got eight bucks on me, but..." "ARCHER:" "Pam!" "Self-esteem, buddy." "Come on." "Now, let's just put the gun down and..." "RICKY:" "Mr. Loggins, please advise." "KENNY LOGGINS:" "K-Log." "K-Log, damn it." "RICKY:" "Yeah, I'm kind of with him on that one." "KENNY LOGGINS:" "Oh, really?" "So you agree with Borgnar's pathetic little errand boy?" "ARCHER:" "Wait, what?" "And also who?" "KENNY LOGGINS:" "Well, I'll tell you the same thing I told" "Borgnar that night in Caracas." "It's not for sale." "At any price." "ARCHER:" "Who the hell is" "Bor... (grunts) (gunshot, glass shatters)" "(Pam shouts) (Ricky screams)" "(gunshots) KENNY LOGGINS:" "Hi-yah!" "(Archer grunts) Ricky, attack!" "PAM (chuckling):" "Yeah, Ricky." "(Ricky and Pam grunting)" "(Ricky screams) ARCHER:" "Okay." "Okay, good." "Pam, are you good?" "PAM (chuckling):" "Oh, yeah." "(Ricky and Pam roaring) (Ricky and Pam grunting)" "ARCHER:" "Yeah, good, okay." "'Cause this time, I may actually murder Kenny Loggins." "PAM:" "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!" "ARCHER:" "What, Pam?" "!" "PAM:" "First see if he wants a beej." "(crashing, fighting) ARCHER:" "Loggins!" "Loggins!" "Now, look, before either of us does something we'll both regret, let's..." "(gunshots)" "Okay, that's just unacceptable." "Pam, I'm going in!" "PAM:" "Okay!" "(both grunting)" "(Archer grunts) (sniffing)" "(coughs) ARCHER:" "Oh, wow, he really likes the Paco Rabanne." "(gasps)" "KENNY LOGGINS:" "Tell Borgnar I'll see him in hell!" "Wonder if it's too late to get Messina." "Holy shit." "What kind of colossal idiot would build a pool like that?" "CHERLENE:" "I just want to go on record as saying that a glass swimming pool on the penthouse balcony is, without a doubt, the absolute worst idea that I have ever heard in my entire goddamn life." "But you're the men, so..." "ARCHER: (chuckles) But can you imagine banging in that thing?" "Why, yes, Archer, yes, I can." "KENNY LOGGINS:" "Drop it!" "(gun cocks)" "Drop it on the ground." "ARCHER:" "Do you know how bad that is for it?" "I will place it on the ground, but..." "KENNY LOGGINS:" "You think" "K-Log won't shoot, punk?" "ARCHER:" "No, I think K-Log is out of bullets." "KENNY LOGGINS:" "What?" "(gun clicks) How did you..." "ARCHER:" "It's just a thing I do." "Now what the hell is in that briefcase?" "KENNY LOGGINS:" "As if you don't know." "ARCHER:" "I honestly don't." "KENNY LOGGINS:" "Liar." "ARCHER: (chuckles) Look, I put my weapon down, I'm not a threat; how would I know what's in...?" "RICKY:" "Aah!" "(Pam growling)" "(Kenny Loggins grunts) ARCHER:" "Pam, no, no, no, no, no, don't, no, don't..." "(gunshot)" "KENNY LOGGINS:" "Shit." "ARCHER:" "Ooh, okay." "So one of..." "(glass cracks)" "One fairly predictable thing is gonna happen now, so..." "KENNY LOGGINS:" "Aah!" "PAM and RICKY:" "Aah!" "ARCHER:" "Loggins!" "(Loggins grunts)" "ARCHER:" "Ooh." "KENNY LOGGINS: (coughs) You saved me." "But why?" "ARCHER:" "What do you mean why?" "(coughs)" "I wanted you to play a baby shower. (coughs)" "KENNY LOGGINS:" "Wait, what?" "ARCHER:" "The Dirty Diaper game?" "Water guns shaped like dicks?" "A baby shower." "KENNY LOGGINS:" "Oh." "So, Borgnar?" "The briefcase?" "ARCHER:" "I don't know anyone named Borgnar." "And I don't want your crazy briefcase." "What the hell is even in that thing?" "KENNY LOGGINS:" "Don't worry about it." "Just let it go." "ARCHER:" "I should let you go." "KENNY LOGGINS:" "Look, I'm... you know..." "ARCHER:" "Sorry?" "KENNY LOGGINS:" "Mm, more just embarrassed." "Is there some way I can make this all up to you?" "PAM:" "A beej!" "ARCHER:" "Pam!" "And no, Kenny Loggins, there's no way to make up for almost killing me over a briefcase full of what I can only assume is either plutonium or a human soul." "(coughs) Although, that being said.." "KENNY LOGGINS: (sighs) Yes." "CHERLENE:" "Wow, snotty." "Okay, fine, so during the boring parts, just scream "outlaw country." KENNY LOGGINS:" "Yeah, absolutely not." "CHERLENE: ♪ Revvin' up your engine, listen to her howlin' roar... ♪" "(Lana squeals) Ugh!" "ALL:" "Happy baby shower!" "(cork pops)" "LANA:" "Oh, my God, you guys." "KRIEGER:" "Me first, here!" "It's a breast pump." "Go ahead and use it now if you want." "LANA:" "I do not want, Krieger, but thank you." "Aw, and thank you, Pam." "PAM:" "It's cocaine!" "LANA:" "Oh, of course it is." "And also, what the hell happened to you?" "PAM:" "This big bastard." "LANA:" "What big...?" "Whoa." "RICKY:" "Uh, hi." "Um, this is a car seat." "GILLETTE:" "Wha..." "Goddamn it!" "This whole stupid baby shower was my idea!" "(sobbing) CHERLENE/LOGGINS: ♪ Highway to the danger zone KENNY LOGGINS: ♪ I'll take you right into the danger zone... ♪" "CYRIL:" "Here." "LANA:" "Oh, wow, a check." "For $80." "CYRIL:" "Please take me back." "LANA:" "Aw, Cyril." "Who's next?" "MALORY:" "Well, I suppose me." "And all of this." "It's a layette." "Onesies, binkies, itty bitty booties, blah blah blah." "From baby Bergdorf's." "LANA:" "Oh, my God, it must've been a fortune." "MALORY:" "Well, I can afford it." "Apparently, Krieger's online pharmacy is going gangbusters, so..." "WOODHOUSE:" "Pardon me, mum." "This was delivered for" "Dr. Krieger." "KRIEGER:" "What...?" "Not now, you shriveled..." "MALORY:" "Wait a minute." "That's the cocaine." "So this whole thing was just a sham?" "KRIEGER:" "Well, only if by" ""sham" you mean "sham." MALORY: (growls) Krieger!" "KRIEGER:" "Aah!" "But you were temporarily so happy!" "CYRIL:" "Krieger, get back here!" "PAM:" "Yay!" "KENNY LOGGINS: ♪ You'll never say hello to you until you get it on red line overload ♪" "CHERLENE: ♪ You'll never know what you can do until you get it up as high as you can ♪ CHERLENE/LOGGINS: ♪ Go..." "LANA:" "Wow." "This baby shower actually went a lot better than I would've imagined." "ARCHER:" "Right?" "LANA:" "And what happened to you?" "ARCHER:" "Your present, Lana, is what happened." "LANA:" "And it's... where, exactly?" "crib!" "Uh, which I want you to have for the baby." "LANA: (gasps) Archer." "ARCHER:" "Because you're important to me, so I made Woodhouse get it from Mother's storage unit, because I own him." "LANA:" "Archer. (sniffles)" "Archer, that is the sweetest thing anybody has ever given me, ever." "ARCHER:" "Well, yeah." "But, I mean, the big present, obviously, is, uh..." ""Danger Zone." LANA: "Danger Zone."" "ARCHER:" "The..." "Lana, the song." "CHERLENE/LOGGINS: ♪ Highway to the danger zone" "Right into the danger zone..." "Ooh... ♪" "LANA:" "Oh." "Oh, okay." "ARCHER: "Danger Zone," Lana." "You know, how I'm always saying" ""danger zone"?" "LANA:" "Uh, kinda?" "Yes?" "ARCHER:" "Well..." "LANA:" "It's from a song?" "ARCHER:" "Yes, it's from a song!" "Recorded by Grammy winner and possible Faustian bargain-maker Kenny goddamn Loggins!" "LANA: (chuckles) Okay, calm down." "So who's Beard Guy?" "ARCHER: (scoffs) Are you...?" "That's Kenny Loggins!" "LANA: (gasps)" "From Kenny Loggins Roasters?"