"Thirty seconds on high, Spock." "Energize." "Captain, we're going into a warp drive, we're running low on diIithium crystals." "Do something, Bones." "Jim, I'm a doctor, damn it, not a short-order cook." "Quit playing around." "I want to heat up my Sara Lee." "Can you use the regular oven?" "Do I Iook like WiIma FIintstone?" "That smells delicious." "Can I have some?" "Come on, beat it, man." "There's barely enough for me." "Just the way I Iike them toasty warm." "AII right, you pervert, hand over my Victoria's Secret catalogue." "This one's Geoffrey's." "He filled out the order form." "Geoffrey, you know a woman with a 46D cup?" "No, but if there's a God in heaven I will by Christmas." "Yo, what's up, y'aII?" "You know if uncle phil's in a good mood?" "I'm trying to hit him up for $50 for the homecoming." "will, $50... is only gonna cover the tickets." "There's still the tux, the limousine... the pre-party party, the post-party party, and, in your case, ball." "Yeah, you're right." "This could cost a fortune." "That's okay." "Daddy's got a fortune." "I always find that when you ask for large sums, it helps if you take his hand..." "look deep into his eyes, and tell him you have cramps." "That only worked for hilary." "When I tried it he sent me to a specialist." "Thanks a Iot." "I think I can handle this myself, guys." "compliment his clothes, you know?" "tell him that he's lost some weight." "But no more than 20 pounds, and it helps to keep a straight face." "Why don't I just get on my hands and knees and beg?" "well, that's only worth $25." "Besides, it's really hard on your knees." "Thanks, I really appreciate that, but I think I can handle this myself, guys." "Hi, Daddy!" "Hi, Dad." "Hey, uncle phil." "Man, you've lost weight." "Thanks a Iot, will." "And that suit you got on... man, it's great how it accentuates your massive... weight loss, man." "Anything else?" "Yeah, there is one other thing." "I got cramps." "How much?" "What's it cost?" "And will I get sued?" "actually, now that you mention it, I couId use, Iike, $200 for the homecoming." "well, fine." "I'II write you a check." "You know, will, I never thought I'd say this but you've become like one of my own." "I couId close my eyes, and I'd swear I'm talking to carlton." "Hi, will." "Are you all right?" "well, uncle phil just said that I was just like one of your kids." "He said I was just like...." "He said I was just like... your son." "And you are, sweetheart." "And it's about time he realized it." "I bet you are going to win first place." "Yeah, this volcano's going to be the coolest thing at the science fair." "Where should we put the tiny missionaries... with the shocked expressions on their faces?" "Anywhere." "When the lava flows, it's every missionary for himself." "Whoa !" "Look at that guy in the swimsuit." "Is he buffed or what?" "Where?" "I don't see a buffed guy." "I only see carlton." "Oh, God." "He's coming over here." "I can't look." "Hand me a missionary." "Hey, ashley, how's the science project coming?" "It's going great." "carlton, this is Tina." "Tina, this is my brother, carlton." "Hi, Tina." "Hi." "I Iove your towel." "Thanks." "well, I got to go prepare for debate practice." "You're on the debate team?" "That is so cool." "I must say it is refreshing to see the younger generation... taking an interest in the art of persuasion." "It's my favorite extracurricular activity, next to table tennis." "You're athletic, too?" "I should have known by your bulging forearms." "They do draw stares." "Man, I thought a dip in the pool was gonna cool me off." "I'm blazing about what uncle phil said to me." "I'm sure when he called you a sophomoric cretin it was just a figure of speech." "No, that didn't bother me." "It's when he said I was just like carlton." "Yes, I can understand your concern." "Sandwich?" "Yeah, sure." "See, now, look, I know where I come from, man." "I mean, I'm coming straight out of philly, man, and I'm proud of that." "could you put that on a croissant for me?" "certainly." "You know, Master william, we all change." "Hey, look, man, I haven't changed, I'm not gonna change... and I'm not down with this bourgeois stuff." "Swiss?" "No, gorgonzola." "Hey, man, I'm telling you, if there is one dude in the world... that's the total opposite of carlton, it's this guy standing right here, man." "Hey, thanks a Iot, G." "Yo, man, how you gonna play a brother on the Grey Poupon?" "Geoffrey, I'm famished." "Can you make me a gorgonzola sandwich on a croissant, heavy on the Grey Poupon?" "certainly." "Thanks." "Oh, my God." "uncle phil is right, G. I'm turning into carlton." "AII right, that's it." "No more of these sissy sandwiches." "No more valet parking... and no more of these preppy parties, man." "And that homecoming?" "No, you can kill that noise." "I'm gonna call Cindy right now, and I'm gonna tell her the whole thing is off." "And this check that uncle phil gave me?" "Now you see it, now you don't." "Yo, the funky Fresh is back in the flesh with a vengeance, homes." "Hey, I'm gonna eat that though." "But I ain't gonna enjoy it." "Come on, kids!" "Tip-off's in 30 minutes!" "carlton, you seen my keys?" "Excuse me, what did you call me?" "I called you will." "No, you didn't." "You called me carlton." "I'm not carlton, okay?" "I don't look like carlton." "I don't act like carlton... and, most importantly, I don't look like carlton." "Can we discuss this in the car?" "I don't want to be late." "Yeah, you remember what happened last time?" "They ran out of pasta salad in the VIP section." "And they didn't, Iike, stop the game?" "Aunt Viv, I'm sorry." "I'm just not down with this b-baII thing... at Ieast not the way y'aII do it." "Then I take it you won't be going to the game?" "I didn't exactly say that." "What I was saying is that I'm just not down with it the way you guys do it." "If I do it, I want to sit in the $2 seats where my feet be sticking to the floor... and a big, fat, crusty, bloated dude is sitting behind me beIching in my ear." "I mean, any other way is unnatural." "Miss Cindy Norris." "Hey, will." "Hey, what's up, baby?" "I am so excited about going to the game." "Do you think they're gonna have that great pasta salad?" "Hey, look, baby, the plans have kind of been changed a little bit." "Yeah, I hope you brought rubber shoes." "Let's go, Dad." "We're gonna be late." "Yeah, last time they ran out of pasta salad." "will, are you gonna go with us or not?" "I'm sorry." "Look, that's just not my style, uncle phil." "I'm not riding in no Benz." "We'II just take Cindy's Miata." "Come here, baby." "I need to talk to you." "Look, you know, about this homecoming thing..." "look, I know I said we were gonna go with carlton and his date... but things have changed." "will, you are so wonderful." "Man, you take bad news better than anybody I ever met." "I think it's really romantic that you want to have me all to yourself." "Wait, hold on." "See, that ain't exactly it." "I am so excited about homecoming." "Do you know I worked 80 extra hours just so I couId pay for my dress?" "But it is so cute, you're gonna love it." "It's cut very low in the front." "I wonder if it shows too much cleavage." "About how many corsages you gonna be needing?" "Tina, we need to talk." "carlton, those khaki pants make you look so Field and Stream." "Take me camping." "Tina, I'm at my wit's end." "Look, it's bad enough you call me every hour on the hour when I'm home... but I don't appreciate being paged at school." "I'm so sorry." "I try to sound official." "well, I don't think anyone believed you were colin powell." "It's obvious there could never be anything between us." "Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?" "Yes, carlton, I do." "Good." "I'm gonna go study now." "Studying?" "That is so cool." "Are you going to highlight or underline?" "None of your beeswax!" "Hey, you know, ashley, that's beautiful." "I think those two are a match made in midget heaven." "will, are you coming to the science fair to see me do my volcano presentation?" "Look, I'm sorry, Ash." "I'd Iike to, but I can't." "Why not?" "I got a job." "Yeah, right, and I can't go, either." "A dog ate my volcano." "No, I'm serious." "I'm waiting tables at Treasure island." "I want to pay for the homecoming." "You couldn't lie to Daddy about his weight, either?" "No, look, Ash, that's just not my style, you know?" "I'm a man." "I want to pay my own way." "I'm gonna save up the money." "I'm gonna show uncle phil what I'm made of." "That's great, will." "He's gonna be really proud of you." "Yeah, I know." "But until I get the money we gotta keep this a secret, all right?" "I won't tell." "No, Tina." "I don't care if you can get in for half price." "I'm not taking you to see Jungle Fever!" ""Most Promising Future Scientist." This is incredible, ashley." "You really think so?" "absolutely." "It means I'II never have to see Tina again." "Miss Tina." "Hi, carlton." "I know you told me to buzz off, but I just had to see you one more time." "Tina, you've got to get over me." "It's time you got on with your life." "I'm no good for you." "Now, I want you to walk out that door, hop on your bike, and pedal like hell." "Okay, carlton." "If that's what you want." "Bye." "Tina, we were just about to take ashley out to dinner to celebrate your award." "would you Iike to join us?" "If I can sit by carlton." "I better go call my mom." "I might as well face it." "I'm irresistible to women." "Now I know what Tom Jones feels like." "Vivian, take a look at this." "will's basketball coach says he hasn't been to practice all week." "His english teacher called and said he's been falling asleep in class." "And he missed curfew twice this week." "By my count it was four times." "But I'II go check my videotape." "will, we have to talk." "Yeah, sure, uncle phil." "What's the problem?" "You missed basketball practice." "You've been falling asleep in class... and you missed curfew twice this week." "I want an explanation." "And you deserve an explanation." "AII right?" "And I have an incredible one that I'd Iike to give you next week." "But then again, I'd Iike to see next week... so maybe I should give it to you now." "I got a job." "Why are we just now hearing about it?" "I wanted to surprise you." "Look, I wasn't born yesterday." "I expect you to honor your commitments, and I expect you to be honest." "Now, until you can tell me the truth, you are grounded." "No TV, no phone calls, and no visitors." "But...." "Why don't you just do me like Kunta Kente and chop off my foot?" "Now I know you're angry, but I think you may have overreacted." "Vivian, you don't expect me to condone his behavior." "Baby, I know that faIIing asleep is not a good thing." "But your own secretary has said that she's had to nudge you awake... after you've had Mexican food." "only after the EI Presidente platter." "And he should go to practice, but it is an extracurricular activity." "It's a Iot like you going to the gym, and, as I recall, the Iast time you were there..." "I think the Jeffersons were still trying to move on up." "That's different." "I'm starting back Monday." "And I do not approve of his breaking curfew, but I think that you shouId" "Vivian, you've made your point." "I'II let him give an explanation." "ashley, sweetie, would you go upstairs and tell will... his uncle and I would Iike to speak with him, please?" "will's not here." "I just saw him leave on his bike." "You see that, Vivian?" "Outright defiance." "That boy just does whatever he wants to, and I am sick of it!" "This just doesn't seem like will." "Vivian, can we just drop the subject and go have dinner?" "Look, philip, I know that I don't have all the facts... but if will says he has a job, I believe him." "Vivian, you are so naive." "You'd believe that boy if he were to tell you he was a big rap star... whose album just went platinum." "ashley, sweetheart, what an interesting choice of restaurants." "It's so piratesque." "welcome to the briny deep, where none of our prices are ever too steep." "We've got fresh fish." "You can look in our tank." "To get to the bathroom, make a left at the plank." "follow me." "Get a load of his costume." "You couldn't pay me to wear an outfit like that." "I think you'II be needing a booster seat, little boy." "Vivian, Iet's not let will ruin our dinner." "He hasn't ruined anything for me." "I think he's a great kid." "complimentary champagne for the lovely young lady." "I'II have a glass of that, too." "Sorry, man, we ain't got no more." "would you likes to order before I bring you back the menus?" "I'II have an iced tea, please." "Perrier with a twist of lemon." "I don't know." "I just can't seem to decide." "well, sir, we've got all three flavors of SIim-Fast." "I'II have a cola, wise guy." "That waiter has been exceedingly discourteous." "I can't put my finger on it, but the way he treats me reminds me of someone." "well, I think the waiter's really nice, and I bet he's really honest, too." "I Iike his eye patch, makes him look kind of dangerous." "You know, table tennis isn't exactly safe." "Thank you for my iced tea." "You are really fast, reliable, and trustworthy." "I really like your beard." "Tina, I doubt if it's real, and there's a French-fry in it." "Waiter?" "This soda's flat." "Aye, you don't say, sir." "Try that." "well, that does it." "You are the rudest, most incompetent waiter I've ever met." "I'm not a waiter." "According to my uncle, I don't even have a job." "Vivian, I think I've made a mistake." "So have I." "carlton, you were my third love, and I'II never forget you... but I Iike will now." "He's dressed like an idiot, and he's still so cool." "He's not the only guy who can dress like an idiot." "Can I talk to you for a minute?" "Look, I'm human." "Sometimes I make mistakes." "Now, I admit I had some preconceived ideas about you... mainly that you just didn't care about anything." "But I guess I'm gonna have to let that go, because today you've shown me... that you are a very, very fine young man... and I just want us to be closer together." "What did you say, pervert?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I...." "Look, man, this is Treasure island, okay?" "Now, pleasure island, that's a block down the street." "I thought" "No, I know what you thought... but if you'II notice, the parrot is sitting on my left shoulder." "I feel like a fool." "Yeah, wait till they make you bob for your lobster." "By any chance, did you hear anything of what I just said?" "No, I didn't." "Look, it's hard for me to apologize." "It's hard for me to dress up in this stupid costume, but I do it." "I don't get it, will." "Why the job?" "I just wanted to pay for the homecoming myself." "But I gave you a check." "I tore it up." "Why?" "'Cause you were right, uncle phil." "Man, I'm getting soft." "I'm a man, and a man should be able to stand on his own two feet... make his own way, Iike you did." "I mean, a man does it for himself." "It's a hard road to travel, but after you travel it and you look back... on what you accomplished, you can say, "I did that." "I'm a man."" "That's the biggest load of bull I've heard since I Ieft the farm." "Nobody does anything without help, will." "people opened doors for me, and I've worked hard to open doors for you." "It doesn't make you any less of a man to walk through them." "I never really looked at it like that." "You know, uncle phil?" "I guess it ain't so bad... being like one of your kids." "Thank you." "Of course, if I had my choice, I'd pick ashley but...." "well...." "Can't touch this."