"Hi, Mom." "So what's my little man working so hard at?" "This math, but this can wait." "You're only gonna be out here a few days." "No, don't worry about it." "I'II entertain myself." "Go ahead." "Wait a minute, baby." "blow." "Mom, what are you doing?" "I said blow." "Good boy." "Come on, Mom." "Sorry." "You know what, Mom?" "I can do this later." "Why don't we go somewhere, have some fun?" "Fun?" "william, you gotta learn how to concentrate." "Now your schoolwork comes before anything else." "will." "Now keep studying." "Put the champagne over there, then go out and help set up the tables." "And if you value your tip, stop looking at my behind." "I can't believe my baby sister's getting married." "I can." "I just paid the florist." "philip, all you ever think about is money." "No." "That's not true, Vivian." "Sometimes I think about other things." "would you two knock it off?" "You're married." "It's time you start acting like it." "viola, this is why I got married." "Mother, please." "It's the '90s." "I mean, a woman doesn't have to be married to...." "Like, I read about it, okay?" "Where do you want these?" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "Lady, don't you know any other words?" "No." "I'm sorry." "Pea-green patio chairs?" "I don't think so." "This is not a Ninja-TurtIe wedding." "Do I have to do everything myself?" "Miss hilary, the day you do everything for yourself... will be the day I square-dance naked on the White-House lawn." "Do we have a safety deposit box?" "I wanna hide my things before Aunt helen and uncle Lester get here with Bobby." "ashley, your cousin Bobby is not that bad." "Mom, last time he came here... he pulled off Barbie's arm and burnt down her Dream House." "Now, Bobby, don't attack the squirrel." "I'm out of here." "Hey." "Hi, everybody." "How are you?" "Baby!" "Here you are, sweet boy." "Oh, my!" "Is this the Banks' house or Buckingham palace?" "Hey, big sister Vi." "You got a boyfriend yet?" "Now ain't no point in saving nothing these days." "You hear what I'm saying?" "The whole neighborhood hears what you saying." "helen, I see you still haven't come out of your shell." "Vivian, girl, you look good." "And you've lost weight in all the right places." "philip, you look good." "And you look good." "Where's carlton?" "Bobby, covering a person's eyes... when they're driving is not a very wise thing to do." "And don't ever call me a weenie-face in public again." "well, we're in private now, weenie-face." "carlton, take the luggage upstairs." "You three will sleep in carlton's room, and carlton will sleep in will's room." "I want to sleep with carlton." "I always dreamt when I heard those words it wouId be paula abdul saying them." "Lester, how about a little NFL action?" "Man, I take all the action I can get." "Yo, look who I found at the airport." "Divas." "Baby girl!" "How are you doing?" "Wait a minute." "Now where is the groom?" "Frank is coming in the morning." "He had to take care of some business." "Oh, yes." "Speaking of taking care of business, does he?" "Forever is a Iong time, sister." "Not in front of will, please." "viola, wake up." "will is 17 years old." "He's probably taking care of a little business himself." "Aren't you, will?" "absolutely not!" "Vivian, Frank and I appreciate you giving us this wedding on such short notice." "I want you to be my matron of honor." "Of course I will." "And guess who's gonna be the best man, naturally." "will?" "Y'aII don't know?" "Hey, I did teach her how to burp on command." "And I did teach you how to dance." "Oh, my goodness." "hold on." "Look out." "hold on, Aunt Janice." "hold up." "That was, Iike, 10 years ago." "I'm, Iike, Iight-years ahead of you now." "Yeah." "Thanks a Iot, Aunt Janice." "I am so happy." "Look at the size of this rock." "Oh, gibraltar is a mole hill." "Right." "Later on this afternoon, you ladies can go skating on it." "well, isn't this something?" "The Smith sisters are together again." "Yes, we are." "The good, the bad, and the" "Don't even try it." "You need a pedicure." "Yeah, I would crack on your feet, but they don't reach all the way up here." "will... do you want to get married?" "AII right, that's it." "Get out of my bed!" "Not to me, you pervert." "I'm sorry, man." "This is LA." "well, I'm definitely getting married, and I want my wife to be a virgin." "well, you better hurry up, man." "Mother Teresa ain't getting no younger." "My wife:" "the limber, but unspoiled Bridgetta." "She'II be an excellent homemaker and have the breasts the size of australia." "I don't know, man." "I just can't imagine... waking up to the same woman every day for the rest of my Iife... no matter how big australia is." "Come on, will, you really don't want to get married?" "I don't know, man." "Maybe one day." "You know, when I'm old and gray." "You know, around 29, 30 years old." "Heck, by then young carlton will be interviewing for preschool... and CarItonette will be a little croissant in the oven." "That's good." "Then they'II be able to baby-sit little will, WiIma..." "WiIIiamina, wilton, and Baby willy." "Good night, will." "carlton?" "Yeah?" "Is that your feet, or did you break wind?" "Sorry, will." "Janice, I'm starting to get worried." "ShouIdn't Frank be here by now?" "Vivian, I know my sweetheart." "He'II be here... because there's absolutely nothing else he would rather be doing today." "carlton, come on, man." "It is not that serious." "I'm head usher and there's no one to seat." "I'II be all dressed up with absolutely nothing to do." "Just think of it as one of your dates." "AII right, Bobby." "Sit and stay." "carlton, it's your shift." "I'm going to get my tubes tied." "Cousin carlton, tomorrow can you take me to disneyland?" "Forget it." "I will not be an accomplice to the murder of Mickey Mouse." "You know, Bobby, I Iove it when you come to visit, man." "They appreciate me so much more when you leave." "It's him." "I gotta go fix my makeup." "Mr. Frank Schaeffer." "Yes." "welcome to our family." "I'm Vi." "I raised Janice, and looking at you, I know I raised her right." "Those are the other two sisters." "Oh, yes." "Cute, cute, cute, and cute." "A dangerous combination." "Why don't you come in, make yourself comfortable?" "Your little woman will be down any minute." "Great." "Thanks a Iot, buddy." "Thanks." "Baby." "Hey, my brother, you gonna let her tip him like that?" "Man, what does she do when y'aII eat out?" "Everybody, this is Frank." "Frank, this is everybody." "Come on, honey." "I'II show you to your room." "Excuse me, but what happened to the little lady y'aII promised me?" "Here's $5." "Go find your own." "Gee, when Janice described him... she didn't mention that he was...tall." "Not that I have any problem with people who are...tall." "My cousin used to date a girl who was...tall." "Heck, the boys go to a predominantly...tall school." "Am I alone in this, or didn't y'aII notice he was White?" "What the hell is wrong with Janice?" "I'm sorry, did I say white?" "I meant taII." "He didn't seem that tall to me." "I do not want my sister marrying that man." "But Aunt J seems so happy." "Doesn't she?" "I mean, and that's what we want for her." "Isn't it?" "Happy, happy, happy?" "Vi, this is her decision." "Let Janice do what she wants to do." "well, she can do it without us." "Come on, will." "Hey, wait, Mom." "hold up." "Wait, I'm the best man." "Not anymore, you're not." "I said come on." "She breast-fed me." "Vivian!" "You're in the dark." "What are you doing down here in the dark?" "well, I couldn't find the lights in this bowling alley you call a kitchen." "well, I couldn't sleep, either." "I hope this wedding doesn't turn into a disaster." "Now, look..." "I don't care if Frank is black, white, or candy-appIe red." "I've been on SIim-Fast for the Iast two weeks to fit into my dress." "Now somebody's gonna marry somebody up in here." "The hell with it." "Start slicing up that ham." "girl, this family has sure had its share of surprises." "Do you remember the Iast reunion when uncle Rubin came out of the closet?" "How could I forget?" "He came out wearing my purpIe-Ieather suit." "I guess you guys couldn't sleep, either?" "Janice, what are you doing up?" "Tomorrow's your big day." "Yeah, right." "Looks like I caused a big mess, as usual." "Don't be so hard on yourself." "You don't always cause a big mess." "Yes, she does." "She's the one that told uncle Rubin he looked good in purple." "Janice, why didn't you tell anybody about Frank?" "I guess I was hoping no one would notice." "Honey, who'd you think you were bringing him home to?" "Stevie Wonder?" "well, I was afraid you wouldn't approve." "Janice, you do not need our approval." "Are you sure this is what you want to do?" "Vivian, there's not a doubt in my mind." "Then I guess I better pick up some Barry manilow for the reception." "Look..." "I think there are a Iot of fine young brothers out there just as good as Frank." "But you can't control who you faII in love with." "If he's still here in the morning, honey, I say marry him." "Okay?" "What's going on in here?" "Oh, we just thought we'd have a little snack before we went upstairs." "What's upstairs?" "The electric chair?" "Oh, come on, Vi." "Come on." "Sit down with us and have a snack." "No, that's all right." "I know you really don't want me to." "Of course we do." "Don't we?" "Come on, sit down, Vi." "So here we are together again." "The Smith sisters." "Loud, live, and in color." "More like quiet, evil, and colored." "Damn it." "Janice, you should have told me he was White." "clear the table." "I think she's gonna blow." "Vi, I am sick to death of your attitude." "Now if you don't want to be here, just leave." "I mean, if you don't want me to marry Frank, so who cares?" "Baby, don't you have enough problems being an African-American woman?" "You need a white husband to further complicate things?" "What about Frank?" "This isn't gonna make his life any easier." "Have you thought about that?" "You thought about your children?" "Or the jobs or friends you may lose... because some bigot faiIs to see the beauty in your marriage?" "Honey, I did not make the rules, but I do know how to play the game." "For survival, Janice, please don't marry this man." "Vi, Frank and I are aware of everything you just said and we can handle it, sis." "You are making a terrible, terrible mistake." "well, I guess she'II be on the first broom back to philly." "Hey, yo, Frank, what you doing, man?" "Just trying to get some color." "It's going great, man." "For a second there, I thought you was WesIey Snipes." "Look, son, this is a big step you're about to take." "Now, first, you're not into any gambling or fancy women, are you?" "No, I'm a pretty straight guy." "AII right, that was gonna be my next question." "Look, man, Janice is like my big sister... and I just want to make sure she's in good hands." "Don't worry, will." "I really love her, and I'm gonna do my best to make her happy." "And when you come visit, you can borrow my Porsche." "Got my blessing, man." "Yeah." "Hey, you wanna grab something to eat?" "Super." "So you need any tips on sex?" "No, not really." "Got any for me?" "Look, Mom, we have a difference of opinion, okay?" "But I've made a decision, and I'm not afraid to say it." "Now, I'm going to the... to the library." "Aren't you a little overdressed?" "well, I just thought that I would, you know, drop in on the... on the thing." "You mean the wedding." "I heard it referred to as that before." "will, I already told you, you're not going to that wedding." "Come on." "Look, Mom, I have to go." "I can't disappoint Aunt J." "Aunt J?" "Boy, I'm the one you should be worrying about disappointing." "Look, Mom." "I think I'm old enough to make this decision for myself." "Now you, too." "Why, I raise you, your Aunt Vivian, Aunt helen, and your Aunt J." "Now, all of a sudden, everybody knows more than me." "Look, Mom." "What you feel about Frank, I mean, it might be cool for you." "But that's not cool for Aunt Janice." "I sacrificed a Iot for Janice... and it's quite obvious that she doesn't respect me anymore." "Which also means she doesn't care about me anymore." "well, that's fine, because I don't care about her, either." "Mom, what are you saying?" "What?" "Everybody that loves you got to do exactly what you say?" "I mean, what if I don't choose the college that you want... or I don't choose the profession you want, or don't live in the city that you want?" "What?" "You gonna stop loving me, too?" "Look, Mom, I hope not, 'cause, look, I really love you." "I really, really love you, Mom, but I'm going to the... to the thing." "If I can just make it to that door." "will, what are you doing in that tux?" "I'm going to the...thing." "Hey, man, I can say it to you." "I'm going to the wedding, man." "Great." "Then you'II get to see my surprise." "Since Aunt Janice is of the Negroid persuasion... and Frank is of the Caucasoid persuasion..." "I've compiled a special medley of songs." "Give a listen." "So what do you think?" "I think you were deprived of oxygen at birth." "May our love burn as bright as this candle." "May its flame burn eternally in our hearts." "If there is anyone who thinks... that Janice and Frank should not be joined together in holy matrimony..." "let them speak now or forever hold their peace." "Oh, Lord, have mercy." "Why are you all looking at me?" "Reverend, go on with the ceremony." "We are paying you by the hour." "english"