"Now, before this turkey gets too nervous that Bo will escape..." " ...and screw up this pardon..." " Stupid, stupid tradition." ""Oh, look at us." "We're pardoning a turkey."" "TESSA:" "And if he can get a reprieve on Thanksgiving, why can't I?" "Why can't I, Mafia?" "OBAMA [ON TV]:" "You are hereby pardoned." "TESSA:" "Thanksgiving is a time for tradition." "And moving to Chatswin meant the end of ours." "George and I used to go to Central Park to watch floats get blown up for the parade." "Then we'd go to our favorite coffee shop for burgers and black and white milkshakes." "Try and order a black and white in Chatswin and you just get the white." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "GEORGE:" "Tessa, you got it?" "Yeah." "Gobble gobble." "You're a grown man." "Good morrow, child." "Where be your pa?" "Uh, I think he's on the can." "Who are you?" "Why, Jasper the Pilgrim." "Child, the family of Royce awaits thine RSVP to their bountiful Thanksgiving feast." " You guys forgot to RSVP." " Oh, right." " The Dallas thing." "We'll be there." " Joyous news." "As our forefathers might proclaim..." "Really?" "Well, you're a mean girl." "With an unkind heart who has no holiday cheer." "Thanksgiving at the Royce's." "Gonna be fun." " Define "fun."" " Noah's family is gonna be there." "Call Webster's." "You wouldn't believe how far apart you guys are." "Look, I know you're bummed we're not doing our old tradition..." " ...but we're making a new tradition." " You own a dictionary?" "Traditions aren't new." "That's what makes them traditions." "Mm-hm." "Besides, I know you're just trying to keep us apart." " Keep who apart?" " Manhattan and me." "You're afraid." "If I see her again, old feelings might come rushing back." "Heh, I know how serious you two are." "I miss her too." "We're with the suburbs now." " She catches us looking at other cities..." " She might cut off your cul-de-sac?" "Heh, I'm pretty attached to my cul-de-sac." " You're gross." " You're gross." "Hey, neighbor." "Gobble gobble." "Don't you hate it when people say:" "Gobble gobble." "Makes me wanna kill them." "And then eat them." "On Thanksgiving, half a dozen members of the Shay family will descend upon our house to eat with their mouth open and dispense unsolicited advice." "Most of which will be about my hair." "Gobble gobble." "This dress my mother is trying to make me wear, it's Amish." "Move to Europe when you're older." "They don't have Thanksgiving in Europe." "Like my mother would ever let me move to Europe." "She's convinced all Belgians are sex offenders." "TESSA:" "Wait." "What if you just tell your mom you're not wearing the dress?" "[DOG BARKING]" "DALLAS:" "Yakult, no." "Come here, girl." "Get down, Yakult." "Get down." "No, stop it." " Hey." "I didn't know you had a dog." " Oh, she's new." "Just got her from the breeder." "She's a Snickerdoodle." "I think that's a cookie." "Oh." "Okay, maybe she's a Schnitzeldoodle." "Anyhoo, she's some kind of doodle." "Aren't you, Yakult?" " Aren't you, good girl?" " Yakult?" "Is that Hebrew?" "Heh, no, silly." "She's named after my favorite pro-biotic drink." "Oh." "I need to ask you a favor." "I'm up for this really big job..." "Oh, Congrats, George." "There's one final hoop I need to jump through." " I gotta go." " Don't let me keep you." "No, Dallas." "The reason I stopped by is because Tessa's bummed about being in Chatswin this time of year." "I thought if you were doing something fun today..." " ...she could tag along." " Yes." "I'm always doing something fun." "Even when I'm not doing anything fun, it's still pretty fun." "I'm your girl." "You really are." "My goodness, Yakult." "Did you hear that?" "Lisa Marie Shay." "All the girl cousins are wearing the dress." "All the girl cousins but one." " Make life easy, wear the dress." " What about the photo for Nana?" "If you're not wearing the dress we may as well take a photo of godless, sex-crazed Belgians." "Nana would love that." "This is like when she wanted to stop using conditioner." "I broke four combs." "I remember." "Combs don't grow on trees, Lisa." "Fred, is that another bowl of cereal?" "It's 11 a.m." "Lisa, if you wanna be a party peeper go poop in your room." "If you miss Thanksgiving tomorrow..." " ...you've no one to blame but yourself." " Fine." "This a perfectly handsome calico dress." " Hmm, oh, yeah." " Don't condescend to me." "TESSA:" "Lisa had been banished to her room." "Meanwhile, I was about to be subjected to a different kind of torture entirely." "Tessa." "I know you pride yourself on being unkempt but I think you would look hot with a Brazilian." " Beg pardon?" " A Brazilian blowout." "Super straight hair, real smooth, polished." "Instead of that pile you got going." "And trust me, honey, it'll make you feel better." "Why would flat hair make me feel better?" "Tessa, there are certain secrets in life that only a woman can teach you." "And one of them is when you look better, you feel better." "Oh, and another one is you can still get Bugles on the Internet." "I don't care about either of those." "Oh, come on." "We can do it side by side." " Sit there and we can both get blown." " No." "Please?" "With a hundred dollar bill on top?" "Not even on my dead body." "Oh, no." "That kind of hair is all wrong for a dead body." "You'd want an updo or a loose braid." "Or a side pony." "Tessa, I'll make you a deal." "You blow out your hair for Thanksgiving and I will take you absolutely anywhere you wanna go for lunch today." "Anywhere?" "[AGESANDAGES' "ALRIGHT YOU RESTLESS" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]" "I never should've said "anywhere."" "Arise and make believe it isn't dangerous." "So here's the sitch." "As you may or may not know, I'm a professional party planner." "So my mom put me in charge of planning this party..." "[DOG BARKING]" "Oh, my God, shut up, Yakult." "I hate you." "Now, I'm sure we all remember that last year sucked." "I'm talking about clumpy mashed potatoes and pale, flaccid string beans." "Alan, you better come correct or I swear to God you're gonna get served." "Happy Thanksgiving, pumpkin." "Gobble gobble." "Hey, Dad." "Gobble gobble." " Long time no see." " All right." "Uh-oh." "Did you forget we have a no-shoe policy here?" " We don't do that when you're not here." " Why?" "Thought you were Daddy's girl." "Huh?" "Should I return the cashmere horse blanket..." " ..." "I got for your horse, Cashmere?" " No." "Daddy, you know Cashmere loves cashmere." "I know." "Don't listen to your mother." "Listen to me, okay?" "Okay." "I'm gonna nap." "Call me if anyone calls me." "[DOG BARKS]" "Who are you?" "DALLAS:" "Promised George I'd get you excited about Chatswin, and what do I do?" "Bring you into the city." "I mean, why does George even have to know?" "This can just be our little secret." "Aah!" "Oh, my gosh." "Guccis." "Just laying on the sidewalk." " I like that one." " Fifteen." " Fifteen?" "Fifteen what?" " Mm-hm." "Dollars." "They're counterfeit." "[DALLAS GASPS]" " Can we have two secrets?" " Yes, we can." "Oh, I will take..." "Oh, I'll take a Chanel." "MAN:" "Chanel." "DALLAS:" "And a Prada and that Gucci." "And Gucci, ah." " This is gonna be fun." " This is already fun." "Aah!" "Oh, my gosh." "Sunglasses." " How many potatoes do we need?" " It's your family, Fred, you tell me." "Hmm." "Well, they do love their potatoes." "Heh." " Lisa's not wearing the dress?" " That's TBD." "It is not TBD." "It is D. She is wearing the dress." "Because if she's not wearing the dress, I'm not wearing the vest." " You happy, Fred?" "It's anarchy." " Let's not get hysterical." "What do we say we just focus on the potatoes?" "You wanna boil them or you wanna nuke them?" " I wanna nuke them." " All right." " What are you doing?" " I'm turning up the heat." " Why?" " Why?" "Because heat rises." "I've got less than 24 hours to get her into that dress." "So it's no more Mrs. Nice Guy." "You know, I haven't seen Mrs. Nice Guy since the honeymoon." "[BOTH CHUCKLE]" "Stop it." "Go on, stop it." "I said stop it, Fred." "[FRED CLEARS THROAT]" "Sorry." "DALLAS:" "I'll take it." "TESSA:" "What?" "I love it, I want it, I have to have it." "I'll take it." " Where do we pay?" " It's not for sale." " It belongs to the museum." " Honey, everything has a price." "TESSA:" "But seriously, it's not for sale." "DALLAS:" "We'll see." " So now, we don't sit down?" " No, we don't sit down." "We have places to go." " And yet, we don't hail a cab?" " We don't hail a cab." "As we walk, we fold, drip and bite." "Oh, that's just filthy." "Is that part of it?" "That lying son of a..." "[CAR HORN HONKS]" "[IN UNISON] Bitch." "I can't believe George has been cheating on the suburbs..." " ...with Manhattan." " Can't believe that woman." "She looked downright Puerto Rican." "How old do you suppose she was?" " He lied to me." " And what kind of handbag was she carrying?" "I certainly didn't recognize it." " He said he was going to work." " Like some tote." "Like some kind of pledge drive freebie." "He's busted." "George is so busted." "Tessa, you may as well just forget you saw any of that." "Because you and I weren't supposed to be in the city." "We didn't see anything, right?" "Right?" "[SIGHS]" "[KNOCKS ON DOOR]" " Go away, Mother." " Dude, it's me." "What do you want?" "I just wanna say that what you're doing is cool." "It's really cool." "Here." "Like when I saw Ace Ventura in that confusing Spotless Sunshine movie that had the Titanic lady with midsized naturals." "The movie pretty much sucked." "But I respected Ace Ventura for taking a risk." "And that's what you're doing." "You are taking a risk." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Hey, if you're not gonna finish that, can I have it?" "It's the last one and it's super hot in here." "Sure." "[SIGHS]" "Thanks." "You're welcome." "TESSA:" "Thanksgiving Day in Chatswin." "And I couldn't help but wonder what other secrets George had been keeping from me." "If that was even his name." " Your hair looks nice." "Is it different?" " Yes, it is." "It's very different." "Yuri." " What?" " What?" "Okay, look, I know why you're mad." "I'm sorry we missed out on the balloons..." "I'm not mad about the balloons." "I'm mad about the hypocrisy." "Well, you know, they got the casinos now." "So it may just be a Band-Aid, but it's a start." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Aah." "Gobble gobble." "Gobble gobble, Sheila." "Oh, thanks for having us." "Ooh, is it a million degrees in here or what?" " You're menopausal." " I wouldn't bring that up." " Not a good idea." " You don't have to remind me." " It's menopause, not Alzheimer's." " Here we go." "Yes." "Hi." "Gobble gobble, Gary." " Gobble gobble, Fred." " Gobble gobble, Trish." "Okay." "Is this the Thanksgiving Day parade or what?" " Aren't they adorable, Fred?" " Tiny little pilgrim angels." "Heh." " Where's Lisa?" " Where's Lisa?" " Lisa..." " Lisa's basting." "She is basting." "[DOG BARKING]" "Welcome to the Royce Family Thanksgiving." "My God, drop dead, Yakult." "I wish you were never born." "Oh, there are the Werners." "Hey, Jill." "What is she wearing?" "Look at all that purple." "She looks like a skinny grape." "Park them car." "Noah, stop it." "I'm gonna ask you not to adjust the seats." "You be careful in those high heels, gorgeous." "Gobble gobble, heh." " Founders or feathers?" " You're a racist." "Hey." "Hi, can I talk to you for a second?" "Out here, shoes on or inside, shoes off?" "Uh, out, on." "Okay?" " Got a dog without asking me?" " You got a new girlfriend..." " ...without asking me." " What?" "Oh, Google image search it." "I may be old-fashioned..." "Old-fashioned?" "You got your daughter an IUD." "To increase her cell reception, and I told you that." "She now has full signal, Steven." "Full signal." "All right." "You know what?" "Oh, my G..." "Yakult, are you kidding me?" "This is why we don't wear shoes in the house." "Hey, don't..." "Don't..." "I like you." "It's okay." "TESSA:" "Sheila's attempt to smoke Lisa out of her room was working." "And once Lisa's internal temperature reached the triple digits she couldn't take it any more." "[SIGHS]" "Ah." "[DOOR OPENS]" "Friends, family." "Steven." "Yakult!" "That's a $400 loafer, Yakult." "First off, I'd like to wish each and every one of you a hearty gobble gobble." "ALL:" "Gobble gobble." "[CLINKS]" "Sorry." "Too loud." "I just wanna thank everybody for coming to this great meal that, uh, my wife commissioned, ugh, and my daughter professionally planned." "And somebody cooked." "I just..." "I don't know who." "Sit." "Steven." "Before we dig in, we should go around the table so that each of us can articulate just what it is we're most thankful for." "Noah?" "Oh, um, ahem." "Well, uh, at the top of my list, as always, is my beautiful wife, Jill..." "...without whom..." " Wrap it up, Noah." "She keeps me humble." "Oh." "Thankful." "I'm thankful that I don't have to dress like a prostitute to attract the attention of my husband." "She looks good in wool." "I'm thankful that I have my own professional identity outside of my marriage." " What would that be?" " I'm referring to my guidebook:" "Uncorked:" "The Wine Counties of Central Pennsylvania." " Self-published." "NOAH:" "And beautifully bound." "Heh, this is the hostess copy." "Okay, uh, well, I know that, uh, we're all anxious to get to turkey, so I'll be quick." "Uh, wow, there is so much." " So much I'm thankful for this year." " The Triborough Bridge?" "Tessa." "We shook on it." "We know about your secret girlfriend." " Please tell me this is true." "GEORGE:" "Wait." " Have you been following me?" " You made me a promise." " You took my kid into Manhattan?" " You lied to me." " You lied to me?" " You lied." " You said you were going to work." " I was at work." " That does not qualify as work." " It does if you're doing it right." "God, you guys suck at Thanksgiving." "SHEILA:" "Okay." "Who's ready for turkey time?" "I am, Mother." "Is this the dress you wanted me to wear?" "[ALL GASP]" "Oh!" "Ugh, that's just great." "Lisa ruined Thanksgiving with her naked body." "Lisa wasn't like this before the girl across the street moved in." " She used to be a good girl." " As you can see I'm not a good girl any more." "I'm a grown woman." "I don't need you laying out clothes for me." " Nice rack." "LISA:" "Well, thank you, Meredith." "You'll have a nice rack too." "All the Shay women do." "Right, Nana?" " Oh, good lord." "Lisa, go to your room." " I'm not going to my room." "Don't you see?" "You're not calling the shots any more." "I am." " Where do you think you're going?" " I don't know!" "Well." "Let's eat." "TESSA:" "A little rebellion is a vital part of becoming an adult." "Unless, of course, the police get involved." "[POLICE SIREN WAILING]" "What am I doing?" "[GRUNTS]" "Keep testing me, Yakult." "DALLAS:" "Stop yelling, you're upsetting the dog." " Steven, let the dog out!" "DALLAS:" "Get out!" "Actually, Dallas, all this fighting is historically accurate." " We get it, Jenna." "You go to Brown." " Correct, I go to Brown." "Don't patronize my daughter." "Don't reprimand mine." "Someone has to." "She's a product of terrible parenting." "Aah!" "You're the one who scheduled a C-section before Jenna was term." "We had a nonrefundable cruise booked." "I was premature so you could go on a cruise?" " So we could all go." "DALIA:" "How does that feel, Jenna?" "Hey, can sit down." "It's not over." "It's not over." "JENNA:" "Shut up." "I was up for a job redesigning a bar." "That's why I started going back." " How many times?" " Tessa..." " How many times?" " I've been out with her twice." "The city?" "Oh, I don't know." "Maybe five, six times." "I thought we were talking about Zoe." " Zoe." " Look, I needed to, uh..." "To, uh..." "Work on something other than skylights." "You can understand that." " That you feel creatively unfulfilled?" " Yes." "That you're hard-pressed to find people you wanna hang out with here?" "I think I understand." "The rules aren't the same for us, Tessa." "Sorry." "Oh, right." "I get it." "I'm forced to live my entire existence in suburbia with pin-straight hair." "But, somehow, you've been pardoned." "It's hard to accept because I've always given you a say but we are not equals." "Sometimes kids have to do things their parents don't." "[SIGHS]" " You're not supposed to always like me." " Mission accomplished." "TESSA:" "Maybe it was the spirit of Thanksgiving but somewhere along the car ride home I became the turkey and George became President Barack Obama." "So I looked up the definition of tradition in the dictionary." "Turns out you were right." " Is this the highway?" " Holy crap!" " What are you...?" " Lisa?" "Ugh, I'm having a heart attack." "I can't feel my hands." "I see you decided not to wear the dress." "Or anything else." "Being nude is surprisingly liberating." "Lisa." "Quickly, there's a gym bag on the floor with sweat stuff in it." " Would you please?" " Yeah, yeah." "Sure thing, Mr. Altman." "You went to Bard?" "TESSA:" "Sometimes you have to finish what you started." "George wasn't going to relocate us back to Manhattan." "But that didn't mean he couldn't occasionally compromise." "If I make coffee, will you have some?" "I'll be up all night." "What if I make decaf?" "Heh, sure." "TESSA:" "And sometimes, a small gesture goes a long way." "Well, at least I made good on the milkshakes." "This better be one damn good black and white." "There's along black hair in mine." "Well, that's probably just Martino's." " Don't worry, you'll be fine." " He's very healthy." " It won't hurt you." " You should be fine." "[English" " US" " SDH]"