"I personally think this story is funny." "If your sense of humor doesn't happen to be the same as mine, then I'm afraid you're going to be a bit disturbed by what goes on." "And by the way," "If any of you attempt to think it's all pretty far-fetched," "Then you should stop and think and ask yourself seriously whether such a thing as this could really happen." "The answer is yes." "Of course it could." "Even to you." "Dahl, voice-over:" "Billy Weaver was traveling down from London on the slow afternoon train with a change at Swindon on the way." "Sorry!" "Ah...nodded off." "Excuse me," "Do you know Bath?" "Certainly." "You, I take it, do not." "No." "This is my first visit." "Vacation?" "No." "I've been assigned to our branch office." "You make yourself sound like a parson." "Well--oh." "Mr. Greenslade, he's our personnel manager at head office in London." "He says, uh..." "Well, he says I'll profit from the experience." "I sincerely hope you do." "What line of business are you in now?" "Insurance." "All risks." "I suppose I could say the same." "Oh, yes." "Ha ha." "Bath is a most beautiful city." "You'll like it." "I'm sure of it." "One sometimes feels time stopped at Bath." "[Woman humming]" "¶ My bonnie lies over the ocean ¶" "¶ My bonnie lies over the sea ¶" "¶ My bonnie lies over the ocean ¶" "¶ Come back, my bonnie, to me ¶" "[Humming]" "Could this be?" "Wind's like a knife!" "Good-bye." "Good-bye." "Uh..." "You could try the Bell and Dragon." "Straight down the road, about a quarter of a mile." "They might take you." "You can't miss it." ""AA" recommended." "Right." "Thanks." "But if they're full," "There are plenty of B  B's in Bath." "And much cheaper, of course." "B  B's?" "Bed and breakfast." "Landladies, kippers, roll of towels." "Good luck." "God bless." "Bye-bye." "He'll be here soon." "I can feel it." "Silly boy." "You've made up your mind." "Really." "You know you have." "Oh!" "Please come in." "I hadn't taken my finger off the bell." "Do come in." "It's so cold out, isn't it?" "Uh, yes, but, um..." "You saw the notice in the window." "Yes." "Yes, I did." "I knew you would." "Knew?" "That's why I put it there." "You need a room." "Well, yes, as a matter of fact." "It's all ready for you, my dear." "But I was going to the Bell and Dragon." "They're full." "Full?" "They always telephone me when they are." "We have a little joke about it." "I'm their overflow, a sort of annex to the official hotel." "Do come out of the cold." "Yes." "Thank you." "Oh, excuse my asking, but-- 4 pounds." "You won't find anywhere more reasonable." "And that includes an egg for breakfast." "Oh." "Well, that's fantastic." "The Bell and Dragon charges more than double." "But they're full anyway." "Exactly." "Salesmen." "What we used to call commercial travelers." "I never take that sort of person." "Do come in." "Thank you." "I always put up the chain at night." "It's safer." "Welcome home, dear." "Home?" "I tell all my guests that," "To treat my house as home." "Home from home, dear." "Oh, do put your hat there." "Thank you." "And let me help you with your coat." "Thank you very much." "I expect you're from London, aren't you?" "That's right, yes." "You'll find Bath so much more restful." "Shall I lead the way?" "Oh, please." "We have the house all to ourselves." "The fact is, I'm just a teeny-weeny bit choosy." "Particular." "You'll see what I mean." "But I'm always ready." "Be prepared, as we used to say in the girl guides." "Everything's always ready here." "Just on the off chance that an acceptable young gentleman should come along." "And it's such a pleasure when I do happen to open the door and see someone standing there who's just exactly right." "Like you, dear." "This floor's mine." "Oh." "I shouldn't rely on that, dear." "It stopped ages ago." "I see." "Quite." "Do you intend to work in Bath?" "Yes, I've been sent down to our branch office." "What fun." "Oh, no." "After you, dear." "It's your room." "Thank you." "It's super." "It's very nice." "I'm so glad you like it, dear." "The morning sun comes right in the window, Mr. Perkins." "It is Mr. Perkins, isn't it?" "No." "No." "It's Weaver, as a matter of fact." "William Weaver." "Of course, Mr. Weaver." "How silly of me." "Weaver." "Such a nice, reliable name, too." "I've put a hot water bottle in your bed." "It's such a comfort, don't you think?" "To find a hot water bottle in a strange bed?" "And do light the gas fire at any time if you feel chilled." "Thank you." "That's very kind." "I'm so glad you materialized." "I was beginning to get worried in case my inner voice had let me down." "Inner voice?" "Intuition, dear." "But then, just as I thought it had got too late, there you were." "Now, how about supper?" "Oh, I'm not hungry." "Thank you." "I had some sandwiches on the train." "My mother made them." "Ham and watercress." "How nice." "Plenty of iron in watercress." "Good for the blood." "So I think I'll just go straight to bed as I've got to get up rather early tomorrow, you see." "So as to report to the office." "Of course, dear." "Oh, uh... the you-know-where is at the end passage." "Well, I leave you to unpack." "But before you go to bed, would you be so kind as to poke downstairs and sign the guestbook on the piano?" "Everyone has to." "It's the law of the land." "And we don't want to go breaking the law, do we?" "And remember, Basil, no barking when he comes down." "Weaver, thinking:" ""Dear Mum and Dad," ""just a quick newsflash to say I've arrived in one piece." ""Good lodgings with a nice landlady." ""A bit crazy, but ok." ""Sort of everyone's favorite aunt." ""Very cozy." ""Don't let my awful sisters drag you down." ""Joke!" "Love, Billy."" "Ah, so glad you remembered the book." "That's funny." "Hmm?" "These names." "Gregory Temple and Christopher Mulholland." "There." "Oh, such charming boys." "They sound sort of familiar." "Do they?" "[Door shuts]" "Hmm." "I'm sure I've heard of them somewhere before." "Really?" "What fun." "Was it in the papers?" "Oh, I shouldn't have thought so, dear." "Perhaps they're famous." "Footballers or pop stars?" "Famous?" "No." "They were extraordinarily handsome." "And the dates." "You see?" "This entry's over two years old." "And Christopher Mulholland's is nearly a year before that." "July, '75." "How time does fly, Mr. Wilkins." "Weaver." "W-e-a-v-e-r." "Silly me." "I do apologize." "In one ear, out the other." "That's me." "Weaver." "Mr. Weaver." "Weaver." "I must cement it in my mind." "It's kind of peculiar, you see." "Mulholland and Temple sort of connect." "They go together in my mind like, um..." "Ha." "Laurel and Hardy, you know?" "I don't, dear." "Your tea is poured out." "Oh, you shouldn't have bothered." "I'll" "It was no trouble." "Do come and sit down." "That's right." "By me, dear." "Uh..." "Oh!" "Ha ha ha." "Thank you." "What I mean is that..." "Oh, it's stupid." "It's on the tip of my tongue." "Now, where have I heard those two names before?" "Got it!" "Mulholland!" "Sugar?" "He was on a walking tour of the west country, and-- oh, uh, 3 lumps, please." "He was a schoolboy at Eaton." "Oh, no, dear, that can't be right." "My Mr. Mulholland was at Cambridge." "He was an undergraduate." "Biscuit?" "Yes, please." "How cozy." "The fire isn't too hot for you, is it?" "No." "I do hope you like China tea." "It's very nice." "Dear Mr. Mulholland, such a one for his tea." "I never saw anyone drink so much tea." "Has he stayed with you recently?" "Sweet boy." "I know I saw his name in the papers." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Ha ha ha." "I like a ginger biscuit to be crisp." "Mr. Mulholland is staying here now and Mr. Temple." "They're both still with me." "Oh?" "Will I meet them?" "D.V., as we say." "Mm-hmm?" "God willing, dear." "Oh, yes." "How old are you, Mister..." "Mister..." "Don't tell me." "Wheel" "Weaver!" "[Laughter]" "There." "Oh, what a relief." "18." "I'm 18." "18." "Oh, it's the perfect age." "Mr. Mulholland was 17 when he first stayed with me." "He can't have" "He can't have been." "He was." "But you can't go to Cambridge when you're 17." "You can if you're clever, dear." "He was terribly clever." "Scholar." "Very studious." "He was a trifle shorter than you and his teeth weren't quite so white as yours." "You have the most beautiful teeth," "Mr. Weaver." "My dad calls them my "whited sepulchers."" "Ha ha ha." "You should see the fillings at the back." "Mr. Temple was rather older." "28, in fact." "But I'd never have believed him if he hadn't told me." "He hadn't a blemish on his body." "He what?" "His skin was just like a baby's." "More tea?" "Uh, no thanks." "That parrot." "When I first saw it, I thought" "You thought it was alive?" "Yeah." "Alas, no." "Poor Sinbad." "Can I look?" "Of course, dear." "Of course." "Ooh." "Pretty Polly!" "Oh!" "Ha ha ha." "Sinbad always said that." "So full of himself." "It's amazingly clever." "Who did it?" "It doesn't look dead at all." "I know." "I did it, dear." "You did?" "Yes." "Excuse me." "I do feel..." "This room does get very warm." "Have you met Basil?" "That's why he didn't bark when I came in." "Basil was a terrible barker." "Ooh." "He feels hard." "Must be awfully difficult to do a thing like that." "On the contrary, no." "Not a creature one has loved." "That way, one can go on loving him forever and ever and ever." "Oh..." "Sorry, I must sit down." "You did sign the book, didn't you?" "[Panting] Yes." "Good." "More tea?" "No." "Thank you." "I stuff all my little pets when they pass away." "I'm glad you remembered the book, because later if I forget, and you know now what a one I am for forgetting," "I can always pop down and look it up." "I still do that everyday with Mr. Mulholland and Mister..." "Mister..." "Oh, there." "Gone again." "Temple." "Ah!" "I remember now." "They were in the papers." "I read" "Bedtime, dear." "Up we go." "Hmm." "[Grunting]" "Nearly there." "Oh!" "There's a good boy." "Here we go." "The tea tasted bitter." "Quite, dear." "Exactly." "To help you sleep." "No!" "Air!" "I must breathe." "[Panting]" "The place for you is bed, Billy." "Did you..." "Did you undress me?" "Of course, dear." "And believe me, you're just as handsome as the others." "No need to blush." "You're beautiful." "Sleep tight, Mr. Wilkins." "Still reading, Mr. Mulholland?" "Can't you see that Mr. Temple wants to sleep?" "Tsk, Tsk, Tsk." "Lights out, boys."