"( doorbell rings )" " I'LL GET IT." " NO, DARLENE, NO." "WE'RE GOING TO EMBARRASS YOUR SISTER IN AN ORDERLY FASHION." "GOD, I HATE THIS FAMILY." "Roseanne:" "I KNEW PEOPLE" "WOULD LIKE THAT FAMILY." "WHO WOULDN'T?" "IT WASN'T JUST THAT THE CHARACTER WAS BASED ON ME," "IT'S THE ENTIRE FAMILY WAS BASED ON MY ENTIRE FAMILY." "Darlene:" "HEY, MOM, WHAT YOU WORKING ON?" "INVOICES." "I'M ORDERING NEW CHILDREN." "Roseanne:" "ROSEANNE AND DAN." "THEY'RE VERY MUCH LIKE" "THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN ME AND MY HUSBAND, BILL," "WHO'S ALSO VERY FUNNY." "WE HAD THREE KIDS," "AND THEY WERE LIKE THOSE KIDS." "D.J., THAT'S SO RUDE." "DARLENE, YOU HAVE SUCH A BIG MOUTH." "AND YOU HAVE SUCH A SMALL CHEST." "Roseanne:" "I JUST WANTED TO PUT A VOICE TO" "THE AVERAGE AMERICAN WORKING MOTHER." "I GOT A LOT OF LETTERS AND A LOT OF ATTENTION" "FROM PEOPLE THAT WERE LIKE," ""IT'S SO GREAT TO SEE PEOPLE LIKE ME ON TV."" "BASICALLY, I HEARD THAT ALL THE TIME." "SO WHEN I CAME OUT IT WAS LIKE, I'M GONNA SAY" "WHAT PEOPLE REALLY TALK ABOUT WHO ARE MOTHERS IN THEIR HOMES." "I BETTER CALL YOU BACK LATER, JACKIE." "THE SEDATIVE I GAVE THE KIDS FOR BREAKFAST IS STARTING TO WEAR OFF." "Roseanne:" "I'M A COMIC, SO OF COURSE I WANT" "TO BREAK BOUNDARIES AND STUFF." "( sighs )" "SEX..." "SO WHAT'S NEW?" "DARLENE GOT HER PERIOD LAST NIGHT." "YOU'RE KIDDING." "SHE'S ONLY 11." "WELL, I WAS ONLY 11." "YEAH, BUT YOU WERE ALREADY WEARING A "D" CUP." "YEAH, TWO OF 'EM." "ON TV YOU DON'T SEE ANY FAT PEOPLE," "AND IF THERE ARE FAT PEOPLE," "THEY'RE JUST THE BUTT OF THE JOKE." "THEY'RE NOT IN HEALTHY SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS." "I THINK DAN AND ROSEANNE TALKED ABOUT SEX LIKE MOST COUPLES" "FAR MORE THAN THEY ACTUALLY DID IT." " WELL, YOU'RE WELCOME TOO." " THAT WAS NOTHING." "THE OFFICIAL THANK YOU WILL TAKE PLACE..." "IN THE THANK YOU ROOM." "WHAT, IT'S NO LONGER THE BEGGING ROOM?" "Roseanne:" "I FELT LIKE I EVOLVED AS AN ACTRESS." "YOU CAN SEE IT IN THE FIRST SEASON." "YOU CAN SEE HOW I WENT FROM" "JUST STANDING THERE SAYING LINES," "TO LIKE ACTUALLY GETTING THAT IT'S A BIGGER, IT'S A SCENE." "LIKE THE JOKE IS A SCENE." "I JUST DON'T THINK MY STANDARDS CAN GET ANY LOWER THAN YOU," "AND I MARRIED YOU." "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, STICK MY HEAD IN THE OVEN?" "OKAY." "KIDS, DINNER." "WE'RE HAVING BUTT ROAST." "I HAD A BIG CRUSH ON HIM RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING." "SO DID LAURIE, ACTUALLY." "SHE'LL PROBABLY KILL ME FOR SAYING THAT." "BOTH OF US THOUGHT HE WAS REALLY CUTE," "AND HE WAS SMART AND FUNNY, LIKE ANY GUY." "START BY MOVING THE COUCH A COUPLE FEET" "SO I CAN SET UP THE KIDS' TABLE." "RED RIGHT, RED RIGHT!" "HUT!" "AHHH!" "( grunting )" "Roseanne:" "IT WAS GREAT FOR ME TO WORK WITH JOHN," "AND IT WAS GREAT FOR ME TO WORK WITH LAURIE," "BECAUSE THEY WERE TWO REALLY DIFFERENT ACTORS" "AND REALLY GOOD ACTORS." "JOHN, HE COULD MAKE ANY LINE FUNNY." "IF I DIDN'T THINK A LINE WAS FUNNY," "JOHN COULD TAKE THE WORST THING" "AND BY MAKING A FACE, HE COULD MAKE IT WORK." "DAD, I'M WAY TOO YOUNG TO THINK ABOUT MARRIAGE." "ANYWAY, I'D HAVE TO LIVE WITH HIM FIRST." "EXCUSE ME A MOMENT." "LAURIE, SHE COULD DO THE SAME THING." "SHE COULD MAKE ANY LINE RIDICULOUS AND FUNNY." "OH, HOW AM I ACTING LIKE A CHILD?" "OH, FORGET ABOUT IT." "OH, SHE CAN BLAME IT BUT SHE CAN'T NAME IT." "HEY, I'M A PART OF THIS FAMILY TOO." "YEAH, WHEN YOUR HAMPER'S FULL OR YOUR CAR NEEDS WORKING ON." "I'VE BEEN A MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY LONGER THAN YOU HAVE!" "THAT'S SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF!" "Roseanne:" "I LOVED THOSE GUYS." "I LOVED JOHN, AND I LOVED LAURIE, AND I LOVED THOSE KIDS." "WE HAD A GREAT TV FAMILY." "EVERY SINGLE DAY WE JUST LAUGHED, TILL WE JUST CRIED." "JUST IN CASE WE DECIDE TO, UM..." "THAT IT'S TIME FOR ME TO, UM..." "GET SOME..." "BIRTH CONTROL." "ISN'T IT GREAT, ROSEANNE?" "I FELT LIKE I WAS MOTHERING THE KIDS A LITTLE BIT." "I GUESS I FELT LIKE I WAS EVERYBODY'S MOTHER." "I WANTED TO CONTROL EVERYONE" "AND STICK MY NOSE IN THEIR BUSINESS AS MUCH AS I COULD." "AND I DID A GOOD JOB OF THAT, I HAVE TO SAY." "I DON'T THINK I REALLY SPEND ENOUGH TIME" "WITH MY LOVELY DAUGHTERS..." "ENJOYING THEIR EXTREMELY STIMULATING COMPANY." "YOU KNOW, JUST HANGING OUT AND EVERYTHING LIKE THAT," "DOING REALLY FUN STUFF." "MOTHER, GET A LIFE." "THE FIRST TIME I GOT A SCRIPT, IT WASN'T EVEN CALLED ROSEANNE," "IT WAS CALLED LIFE AND EVERYTHING," "AND I WAS AGHAST." "I DIDN'T SIGN UP TO PLAY THE MOM CHARACTER." "THEY SAID NOBODY'S GOING TO LIKE YOUR CHARACTER" "AS THE MOTHER, AND I'M LIKE," "THAT IS WHY I GOT THIS SHOW." "THE PRODUCERS THAT I WORKED WITH," "THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS SAYING." "THEY STARTED TO PUT INTO THE SCRIPT" "THINGS THAT WOULD COME OUT OF MY CHARACTER'S MOUTH" "THAT WOULD JUST BE MEAN." "SHE'S NOT A MEAN..." "SHE'S WISE, SHE'S, YOU KNOW," "SHE'S THINKING." "I JUST FOUND THESE IN YOUR JEANS." "I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT 'EM BACK." "YOU'RE GOING TO KILL ME, AREN'T YOU?" "NO, YOUR FATHER AND I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW" "YOU DON'T HAVE TO SNEAK AROUND ANYMORE." "YEAH, HONEY." "THIS IS YOUR HOUSE TOO." "YOU'RE WELCOME TO SMOKE." "YEAH, RIGHT, AND GET MY FACE BASHED IN." "I CAN SEE HOW THEY'D THINK I WAS DIFFICULT TO WORK WITH" "I DIDN'T JUST SHUT UP AND DO IT, SO I SUPPOSE THAT'S DIFFICULT." "I FEEL LIKE, HEY, I COULDN'T HAVE BEEN ANY EASIER." "IT WAS A FIGHT FOR A VERY LONG TIME." "AFTER THE END OF THE FIRST SEASON," "ALL THAT WAS DONE." "PEOPLE THINK IT WENT ON FOREVER." "WE GOTTA GO ON A DIET." "WHAT'S THIS "WE" JAZZ?" "MY PANTS FIT FINE." "DAD, CINDY CLARK'S MOM PAYS HER TWO DOLLARS AN HOUR TO BABYSIT." "WELL, CINDY CLARK'S MOTHER IS A RICH, DRUNKEN SLUT." "I FOUND IT MORE EFFECTIVE TO GO DOWN TO THE COMEDY CLUB" "AND FIND A GUY WHO HAD A FUNNY 20 MINUTES" "AND HAD NEVER WRITTEN FOR TELEVISION." "I FOUND HIS OUTPUT WAS FAR MORE ENTERTAINING AND FUNNY TO ME" "THAN A GUY WHO'D WRITTEN FOR 10 YEARS" "THE SAME SEVEN STORIES OVER AND OVER." "EVERYBODY HAD ABOUT TWO GOOD YEARS IN THEM," "AND THEN THEY SHOULD MOVE ON." "SHE'S JUST YOUR LITTLE PRINCESS." "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" "SHE NEVER TAKES MY SIDE." "WE'RE ALWAYS ARGUING AND SHE MAKES MY LIFE MISERABLE!" "AM I RIGHT?" "WELL, I DO WHAT I CAN." "WHEN YOU HAD WORKED ALL WEEK TO MAKE SOMETHING FUNNY," "AND MAKE SOMETHING WORK, CHANGED IT, REWRITTEN IT," "AND THEN THERE IT WAS." "I'D GET SO MAD IF I DID SAY SOMETHING," "AND THEY DIDN'T LAUGH." "OH, I'D BE SO FRUSTRATED." "LAST NIGHT, I WENT TO THIS INCREDIBLE SEMINAR." "WHAT WAS IT THIS TIME, "DARE TO BE A MILLIONAIRE"?" " "SEE IT AND BE IT."" " BE WHAT?" "WE NEVER GOT A LAUGH IN ANY OF THOSE FACTORY SCENES." "WE'D HAVE THESE BIG JOKES ABOUT THAT THE FACTORY" "BEING BUILT OVER AN INDIAN BURIAL GROUND." "IT WAS HAUNTED, THAT'S WHY WE COULDN'T GET ANY LAUGHS THERE." "SOMETIMES WHEN WE'D STAND THERE AND DO THE JOKES" "WE'D LIKE GO, WHOOSH" "FOR THE WIND RUSHING BY OF THE HAUNTED," "YOU KNOW, PEOPLE WHO WHERE BURIED THERE." "THE DAY THAT I GOT TO UNIONIZE THE FACTORY." "I WAS LIKE, INSPIRED BY THE MOVIE, NORMA RAE." "WE DESTROYED THE FACTORY BECAUSE THEY ALL WALKED OUT." "SO I NEVER HAD TO GO BACK THERE." "BUT THEN WE BUILT THE KIDS' BEDROOMS" "OVER WHERE THE FACTORY HAD BEEN," "AND WE NEVER GOT ANY LAUGHS OVER THERE EITHER." "SO THE CURSE OF THE BURIAL GROUND, IT MUST BE TRUE." "LADY, YOU HAVE AN EVIL MIND." "AND A BODY TO MATCH." " YOU'RE CALLING ME FAT?" " YEAH, I'M CALLING YOU FAT." "WELL, IF THAT AIN'T THE BIG FAT POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK." "THE NETWORK KEPT IT GOING AND THE VIEWERS KEPT IT GOING." "AND YOU KNOW, THE ACTORS AND THE WRITERS" "AND EVERYBODY, WE WANTED TO KEEP DOING IT." "MY LIFE HAD CHANGED AND MY THINKING HAD CHANGED." "IT WAS A DECADE." "I WAS JUST HAPPY TO BE THERE AND HAPPY TO HAVE A JOB," "AND HAPPY TO SEE MY FRIENDS EVERY DAY." "I TRIED TO MAKE A SHOW THAT WAS EVER-GREEN," "AND THAT WOULD ALWAYS BE GOOD" "AS LONG AS PEOPLE ARE GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING KIDS." "I FEEL IT'S FUNNY AND, YOU KNOW, I HOPE" "IT GOES ON FOREVER." "I JUST THANK GOD I GOT THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO IT," "AND BE REWARDED REAL WELL FOR DOING IT." "AND..." "FIRE!" "( all screaming )"