"Davina?" "Davina Davis?" "Oh, I can't believe you're here." "I thought you'd be in Hollywood" " or something." " I'm just saying it's natural." "We start dying as soon as we're born." "If you think about it, it's amazing our hearts beat as long as they do." "If happy enough is good enough for you, then relax, but I suggest you find out what you want and get it as quickly as possible." "Ok." "The test results are in." "Are you ready for this?" "Yes." " You're sure?" " Yes." "This particular test is extremely accurate." "We've run it twice." "Do you understand?" "Yes." "Your test was..." " negative." "Tada!" " Oh, God!" "Ha!" "Ha!" "Ha!" "Ok." "Why do you always do this?" " I live for the drama of the moment." " Jesus!" "Well, cheer up, you don't have throat cancer." "You got a sore throat, probably the smog." "Mine's sore too actually." "But you told me I should do the test, so..." "Now, you know definitively and you won't worry, which is something you do." "I do." "I worry." "It's true." "And can you tell me again why this test wasn't covered?" "They feel that it's not necessary, because of the astronomical odds against you actually having it." "But you know something?" "People get struck by lightning every day." "Which is why I'm a hypochondriac." "Because statistics have no meaning, right?" "And if I can alleviate needless worry," " then I've done my job." " Thank you." " Thank you very much." " Do you always do that?" "What?" "Do?" "Blink asymmetrically." "Hmm... uh..." "I'm sure it's nothing, but, you know what, let's have a quick look at that eye, make sure it's tumor-free." "S01E03 The Three Sisters" " (Davina):" "Al?" " Coming." "The tumor grows behind the eyes, swells, the eye deforms, and that can cause asymmetrical blinking." " He's such a crock of shit." " Or it isn't and it's eye cancer." "Dr. Cass says I should go easy on it for a while." " Go easy on what?" " The eye" " until after the MRI." " Oh, God!" "When they do the MRI, have them check for a brain as well." "Oh, that's great." "That's really sensitive." "You've been seeing this guy for 13 years, you've had a million tests." "its cost us a fortune and he's never found a thing." "Oh, and so that makes him a bad doctor?" " Yes, that makes him a terrible doctor." " Ho ho!" "(Soft jazz music playing) (People talking)" "(Davina):" "I don't know we come to these things." "(Al):" "Networking." "I have to network if I want to work, work." "(Davina):" "You never talk to anyone but me." "You're the only one I want to talk to." "That's the problem." "You can talk to me anytime you want." "I know but if I dragged you to one of these work cocktail thingies," "I get to see you wearing my favorite dress." " What?" "This old thing?" " Yep." "I remember when we got that." " Yes, I do." " When?" "It was for Orlando's graduation, right?" "Ah, it was 6 years ago." "Oh, come on, you really haven't changed a bit." " You look fan..." " Hey!" "Hey!" " He didn't even stop." "Hey!" " No, no, no." "Don't." "He's pinkerton." " If it wasn't for my eye..." " Now, hold this." "I'm going to go clean this up." "And while I am gone, go talk to someone." "Network..." "And if I do..." "Ok..." "Networking." "(Al sighs.)" "Oh!" "I'm sorry." "No, no, it was my fault." "I didn't lock the door, because I was only cleaning." " Well, you're the maid?" " No." "Cleaning my dress." "Someone spilled wine on it." " Not red I hope." " White." "Thank God." "Thank God for small mercies." " Yes." " Yes." "Bob." "What?" "My name, it's Bob." "Oh!" "Davina." " Davina." " A feminine form of David from the Hebrew "dah-veed" meaning beloved." "Ah, a writer." " Ha!" "Ha!" "Ha!" " Or rabbi." "No, a writer." "Please." "And what about you?" " I am not." "Oh... and what are you then?" "I work in an art gallery." "Hmm, when I was younger, I was a model, and an actress." "Although I did more modeling." "Print work mostly." "I never really liked performing." "Maybe..." "Maybe it wasn't any good." "No." "No, no, no." "I was good, but, well..." "Takes more than talent to make it as an actress and..." "Anyway, you know, things come up and you make choices and... life leads you somewhere you didn't expect or even want at the time." "But I think ultimately, that's a good thing to let life happen to you, because I've..." "I've never been a 5-year-plan kind of person." "That's... that's limiting, and I'm realistic, and ultimately, inevitably disappointing." "Um..." "What was the question?" "What do you do?" " (He laughs.)" " I, uh..." "I work in an art gallery." "Part-time." "Yes." "Well, um..." "We've had quite a long conversation considering we're in a bathroom." "Can you imagine all the dramas that take place inside bathrooms?" "All the whispered fights, all the tears, the mad sex, you know, people born in bathrooms." "And there's a high probability that we'll die in one." " Well, not tonight, I hope." " Is that it?" "What?" "The wine stain." "Oh!" "Yes, it's..." "It's not too bad, is it?" " No." "It's a very lucky stain." "Ha!" "Ha!" "Ha!" "Well..." "It's all yours." "The bathroom, I mean..." "Bob. (Bog laughs.)" "I'm sorry that I went on and on about not knowing who I am." "I-I..." "I don't know why I did that." "You won't listen to me, but you'll listen to Davina?" "Well, the implication was that I would be rewarded with sex if I did some successful network." "I can't help you there." "An agent has to draw" " the line somewhere." " Thank God!" "So upon whom" " should I pounce?" " Well, Robert Ringwald is here." "Really?" "He's great." "He's a genius." " This doesn't count." " Yes, it's networking... no?" " No." " You'll never guess who's here." "Robert Ringwald." "Who's Robert Ringworm?" " Robert "Ringworm"" "is a very successful, fabulously talented columnist." "He's the man I aspire to be one day." "But you can't actually be someone else." "Oh yes, you can if you murder them and you wear their skin," " you can." " Speak of the devil." "Bob, uh... this is a client of mine." "Al Jackson." "Al." "Wow!" "I..." "Mr. Ringworm..." "Wald." "I read your piece about Syria in the vanity fair, and, uh, it was great." " It was really great." " Thank you." "And you are...?" "Oh, this is my wife, Davina." "Sorry." "How do you do, Davina?" "Sorry, my hand's a little damp." " I was just in the washroom." " Al's a columnist, too." " Are you?" " Yeah, well, I mean" "I'm a columnist in the sense that I have a column, but I'm not a..." "You know, you're a columnist;" " I write a column." " Oh, what are you working on?" "He wrote a hilarious piece on Christmas lighting displays." "When was that?" " Last Christmas." " Yes, but I'm working on something a little longer right now, a more serious thing." "It's about what makes a classic," " and how we can identify it." " A classic..." "A perfect example of something." "You know it as soon as you see it." "But true, true, the criteria are very hard to define." " Yes." " Grace, timelessness, beauty obviously." "You know what?" "I need some judges for this book prize that I'm working on." "A little bit of light reading." " What do you say?" " Me?" " Yes." " He'd be thrilled." "Yes, of course!" "Well, terrific." "You'd be doing me a great favour." "And what do you do?" "I work in an art gallery..." "Part-time." "About your eye and the possible cancer therein, your tests were... are you ready?" " Please, just tell me." "Please." " Inconclusive." "(Stuttering):" "They're what?" "I'm sure it's a lab error." "You wouldn't believe how often that happens." "All the tears shed for nothing." "What does it..." "Does it say I have eye cancer?" "No, no, it just doesn't say you don't have eye cancer." "I'm sending your test to another lab." "In the meantime, try not" " to use your eyes." " Well, they're not used." "You know, I mean, give them a rest." "Right." "Well, I have a huge pile of books to read." "Well, they're your eyes." "Oh, I want to thank you for referring the patient to me." " Oh, Bob Ringwald." " Yes, migraines." "At least, we hope they're migraines." "Here." " What's this?" " A fridge magnet." "A little thank you for the referral." "Now remember, don't use your eyes unless you have to." "Right." "I'll remember that when I get your bill." "Thank you, I guess." "(Bell tinkling)" "Sorry." " No street car." " Someone's waiting for you." " Who?" " That's the intriguing part." "He wouldn't say his name. (She sighs.)" "Don't fuck up your life." "Shut up. (Soft classical music playing)" " Oh!" " Oh, hi." " Hi." " Uh..." "Bob Ringwald." "We met in a bathroom." "I remember you." "Well, that's a start." "Can, uh," " I help you find something?" " I hope so." "Something original?" "Wh-what are you looking for?" "Well, arguably, I have everything." "(Davina chuckles.)" "It's true." "I've done everything, seen everything." "I was in Tiananmen Square in 1989." "I met with 3 popes." "I saw an eclipse in the south pole." "Actually, that was a little disappointing, because it was only a partial eclipse, and it was really cold." " I bet." " My point is that I have lived a fabulous, rewarding, and enviable life, but I've lived it alone." "I've reported on it to strangers, but I've never shared it." "I've never been able to-to... connect with anyone in any kind of real way." "Oh, my." "And then, I bump into you in a bathroom at a very boring party." " It was... a boring party." " But there it was." "A connection." "It was unprecedented for..." "So you ask what I'm looking for." "Well, I think I found it." "I am..." " I'm not for sale." " I'm not trying to buy you;" "I just want to share my life with you." "Ho!" "Ho!" "Ho!" "God!" " That's..." " Will you have a drink" " with me tonight?" " No." "Um..." "I'm going to a show tonight with my husband..." "Al." "Ok." " Have fun." " I plan to." "It's Chekhov. (Bob laughs a little.)" ""Margaret sat at the table and squeezed the torn hem in her fist." "I don't have the strength to mend this,' she said." "as her daughter's green eyes welled with tears."" "I don't understand why she's so upset about the dress, man." "Well, it's what the dress represents." "I know, but still, just fix the fucking dress, Margaret." " What the hell!" " Hey." " Theodore's reading to me." " Doctor said he can't use his eyes." "Oh, seriously, does that make any sense to you?" "Have you ever heard any doctor anywhere ever say anything like that before?" " The tests were inconclusive." " Reading does not cause cancer!" "You haven't read these books." "What was that first one?" "Uh, Suspended Betwixt." "I had to do a line just to get through this shit." "Get ready, the play starts in an hour." "Oh, honey, I can't." "I've got a mountain of words to get through, and it's slower this way." "Not because you're a slow reader, it's just harder not have a discourse about the material." "It's true." "The discourse does tend to slow us down." "Jesus!" "My heart filled with joy and I longed passionately to go home. (Whistling and piano music)" "Don't whistle, Marsha." "How can you?" "I keep getting headaches from all the things running through my mind." "It makes me feel like an old woman already." "These past few years, I felt my youth and energy drain away drop by drop each day." "Only one thing grows stronger and stronger..." " A certain longing..." " to get away." "Yes." " To escape." " Yes." " But where?" " To Moscow." " I don't want to go to Moscow." " There is only Moscow." "Moscow," "Moscow, Moscow." " There are other places." " Like where?" "There's nowhere else." " Only Moscow." " Moscow, Moscow, Moscow." "Still, I have heard of a seaside town on the black sea that's very pretty." "It's got no sand, but the pebbles are smooth." " Sorry." " What about Santa Barbara?" " Santa Barbara?" "!" " Mm-hmm." "You want to go to Santa Barbara?" " Well, maybe." " Why?" " Well that's where he lives." " Who?" " Robert Ringwald." " Robert Ringwald," " the columnist?" " Yes." "Oh no." "He wrote an essay about us once." "Something about Moscow and post-feminist yearning." "Went on so long we could have walked there in less time." " So why him?" " Because he's strong and he knows what he wants and how to get it." "And he's, he's funny and smart and handsome and successful and... when he looks at you he makes you feel that you are the most beautiful woman in the world and everything is possible." " That would work." " Oh yeah." " Still." "It'll all end in tears." " Yep." " I give it a week." " Let's just hope her husband" " doesn't find out." " He's bound to." " And it will kill him." " Or he'll kill her." "Or both of them." "With a sabre." "Why, why are you all being so negative?" "What do you expect?" "We're characters in a Chekhov play." "We're bound to sound negative." " Unless we were in the seagull." " What?" " Well that was a comedy." " Have you seen it?" " No." " I have." " So what's the last line?" "I don't know." ""Constantine has shot himself."" "Oh." "Yeah." "So trust me, sweetheart." "It's all going to end in tears." "I expect andrei will become professor, but he won't want to live here." "I guess only Masha will have to go on living here." "Masha can come and visit us every year, and for the whole summer." "You busy?" " Oh!" " I'm sorry." "No, no." "I'm glad you came." "I want to talk about this thing that's going on." " Well, it's not really a thing yet." " Well, let's talk about" " why it can't be." " Ok." "But before you say anything, I..." "I realize that I came on hard the other day." "And if you add to that the fact that there was some light stalking involved, well, I realize that's not" " the best impression..." " Bob, this is impossible." "I'm married." " I know." "And I'm keeping your husband busy with books." "Long, terrible books." "Ten of them." " Just so you could see me?" " Yeah." "Off-putting?" "This isn't..." "I only want your company." "Well, ok." "Obviously I want more than that, but I'd be happy just to be with you..." "For a couple of years." "An hour." "Would you like to take a walk in the park?" "(Davina sighs.)" " I have a lot of work to do." " Oh." "I get up in the morning and stumble down to the ocean with my coffee." "I look at the sea." "In the evening the whole place is flooded with red light" " from the setting sun." " Oh it sounds insanely" " wonderful, but..." " Hey, wait." "I want you to try something for me." "Just as an experiment." "Here, here." "Sit down." "Sit." "Close your eyes." "Now visualize, imagine you're there, a white weatherboard beach-house." "A white weatherboard beach-house." "Right." "And where are you?" "I'm..." "Walking down the beach in the morning." " Alone?" " N... no." "There's..." " A dog." " Oh." "Some sort of spaniel-y dog and it's uh, splashing through the surf." " Any humans?" " Well, there's someone" " walking with me." " It better be me." "It's you." "And I have my arm looped through yours and you stop and give me a sip of your coffee and then you say something... perfect." "Calm and... wonderful and witty and... perfect." "Well I'm telling you right now," "I can't say anything witty until after my morning coffee." "Oh shit." "Well, hello!" " Hi." " H... hi." "You two out for a little swing?" " Well, it's a nice day." " Yes, it is." "This is another client of mine, Deborah Kingman." "She was just nominated for the giller prize." "We thought we'd celebrate with a little... ride on the teeter-totter." " I'm late, I have to go." " Don't want to hold you up." "Say hi to Al for me." "It's like you're writing an essay aren't you just supposed to discuss the books?" "Yes, but people will be prepared." "These are literary big wigs." "Judges." "There may even be a gavel involved." "Oh, you're coming to that cocktail thing after, right?" " Of course, of course." " I'll need your support." "Agh, this is ridiculous." "I'm a humourist." " Not a columnist." " You're a humourist columnist," " what's the difference?" " Well, there is a difference." "A humourist is basically a clown." "You're not a clown." "You, you lack vision." "You've got a perfectly good brain, but it's blind." "It's full of nerves and doubts and fear." "You have a blind, cowardly brain, basically." "Is this encouragement?" "I can't tell." "Just be the Al you wanna be." "And you'll be him." "I'd like to be... the tall Al." "(Whispers):" "The tall Al." "Well, we have a lot to cover so let's get started." "Our first title is" "I am this by Gavin Fines." "Mr. Jackson, how'd you like to start us off?" "Me?" "Uh." "Sure." "So..." "'Course." "Just a second here." "Ah." "So, yes." "I am this." "In this book, we find a protagonist whose environmental dislocation propels him on a journey, of physical and spiritual rediscovery  I found the writer handled the metaphysical passages with unnerving confidence, but his overuse of parenthesis" "and sub-clauses led to..." "... spectre of David Foster ... it was a pleasant balance between the urban and pastoral but the seasonal transitions are far less successful and methinks a touch derivative of woolf..." "the interminable plotting prologue to chapter five..." "this book is something of a heroic tilt at the windmill of odyssean myth, but, in the opinion of this humble reviewer, the horse beneath the writer doesn't quite have the legs for the journey." "Thank you, Mr. Jackson." "Mr. Berry?" " It was garbage." " Mrs. Davidson?" " Terrible." " Mr. Shepherd?" " Hated it." " Ms. Gaudi?" " Shit." " Mr. Ringwald?" "What did you say?" " Shit." " Right." "Shit." "Thank you." "Next, a Mother's love." "By Steven Greer." "All agree that we won't dignify this one with a vote?" "I spent a week and a half being read to by a drug dealer in preparation for this farcical exercise." "Why am I afraid all the time?" "Can you tell me that?" "You know?" "I'm afraid of being judged," "I'm of getting eye cancer." "I'm afraid of coming to these parties because I'm afraid of talking to people." "I have to pee." "I wish I was more like the Bob ringwalds of this world." "I wish I didn't give a shit." "That's better than being a coward isn't it?" "Ok." "We have got to talk about this thing." "I'm good at visualizing things, but I..." "I don't know if I have the strength to make things actually happen." "And I'm, I'm sick of being afraid all the time and you have a confidence that, I admit, is very..." "What's wrong?" " I have a brain tumour." " Oh God!" " How long have you had it?" " I don't know," "I went to the doctor a couple of days ago to refill my migraine medication and on the way out he said he saw something wrong with my eyes, he said he wanted to run some tests." " Oh God, what doctor?" " Dr. Cass, the one" " your husband recommended." " Jesus Christ." "Anyway he called me last night and he said the tests were inconclusive and that he wanted to run some more." "H... he said I blink asymmetrically." "Watch." "Ok, there." "That's because there's a growth behind my eye." "That's why it's doing that." "That doctor is a quack." "I don't know, I guess it was an education." "Why so hard on yourself?" "Everybody looks like an idiot their first time." "Speaking of which," "I'm glad you're getting a foothold in this world." "You know, the literary elite." "Perception is everything." "But, if I were you, I would draw the line at letting Ringwald take your wife to the playground because perception is everything." " What?" " I want to go home." "Come to bed." "Do you love me?" "Of course." "Yeah, I was just thinking about that..." "You know that article I'm writing about what makes a classic?" "Think I finally figured it out." "It's when you know something's true." "You go on without me." "Just, come to bed." "No." "Not for a while." "Hi." "Al Jackson for Dr. Cass." "He's just in with another patient." "He won't be long." " Ok." " Ok, thanks." "(Behind door) (Dr. Cass):" "Ok, the test results are in it's definitive this time..." " You sure you're ready?" " (Bob):" "Yes, I'm sure." " Negative!" "Ta da!" " Oh my God." "Oh, thank God." "Well, you know, it was highly unlikely but it's best" " to be sure of these things." " Absolutely." "Thank you so much." "Thank you." "Thank you so much." "I..." "I don't have a brain tumour." "Ha!" "Ha!" "Ha!" " Hi." "Uh..." " Al." "Al." "Hi." "How are you?" "Thank you so much for hooking me up with this guy." "I..." "I feel reborn." "Ha!" "Ha!" "Ha!" "Fourth proximal phalange, hairline fracture." "Ow!" "Ow." "First time you've ever seen that quack and actually came home with something wrong." "There you go." "You see?" "All those countless thousands" " of dollars finally paid off." " And no eye cancer." "No, it turns out the odd asymmetrical blink is perfectly acceptable, statistically speaking." "Mm-hmm." "I could've told you that." "So, why the big secret?" "How did you break your..." "Whatever you said?" "... about bringing out the best in every individual." "And now, it is with great pride that I announce the winner of this year's" "Jonah book prize for fiction and it is..." "Randy Vemnies for The Devil's Chapter."