"Erica, darling, I have bad news." " I'm leaving you for another man." " You're wrong." "You're wrong, homey!" "You're wrong!" "Trifler." "I have news for you, too, Lance." "It's the dog." " Tiffany's dead." " Oh, God." "And to think she just had puppies." "You ain't crying, are you, man?" "No." "I just got something in my eye, that's all." "Yeah, me, too." "The puppies, man!" "All right, cut and print." "Beautiful, guys." "Dynamite." "That..." "Not bad." "These poetry readings sure is bringing in some extra business." "I don't give a blip about poetry, son." "All I know is those little artsy kids love spending §5 for a cup of coffee." "Cappuccino." "Caffe latte." "And a bran muffin." "That'll be §15, please." "Thank you." "Only in America." "Here you go." "One caffe Michael Jackson, extra light... and getting lighter all the time." "Marl, man, where's this girl of yours?" "I've been waiting an hour." "I gotta go." "Chill." "She's coming." "She'll be here at 9:00." "I tell you, Shawn, this girl got everything I want and more." "She has all her teeth." "Both her legs." "No mustache." "And, Shawn, she can read." " Man, you better marry that." " I'm telling you." "I gotta get out of here, though." "I gotta go see Lisa." " I've barely seen her all week." " I forget." "That's right, she snaps her fingers and you just go running." "All right, I'm gonna wait five more minutes." "Just five more minutes, and then maybe I'll go see Lisa... if I feel like it." "That's her right there." "She is so fine." "What do you think are my chances?" "You got about as much of a chance as a skinhead on Def Jam." "Okay, everybody, welcome to Pop's Tuesday Night Poetry Reading." "Come on." "Our next poem is by Matty Embers." "He's a good poet." "But more importantly, he's a big tipper." "Go on, Matt!" ""The sun sets slowly on the sea" ""Will you be my friend today?" ""Darkness, silence" ""And then, a tear"" "That was so deep, potent, and moving." "Didn't you think so?" "What he means is he appreciates the sun... as the symbolism of life." "Yes!" "That's it exactly." "I just love men that can express deep emotions." "That's funny you should say that... 'cause Marlon over here can express deep emotion." "Right, Marlon?" "Pain!" "Terrible sadness and pain." "Valerie." "Mr. And Mrs. Valerie Williams." "I sure hope our daughters look like her." "Well, if not, they could always join the circus." "So, what do you think?" "You think she likes me?" "Marlon, you didn't say a word all night." "She thinks you're a mute." "That's why I had you there." "Look how late it is." "Lisa's gonna kill me for blowing her off." "I don't feel too well, man." "I feel dizzy and my stomach is hurting." " What's wrong with me?" " You're in love, kid." "Either that or you're pregnant again, you little fish." "Who am I fooling, man?" "She ain't gonna like me." "She's all smart." "You heard her." "She goes to a two-year college." "Marlon, love has no barriers, okay?" "Look at me and Lisa." "Her father's a heart surgeon, and my father sells pig feet and coffee." "Yeah, I'm too good for her, but we're still together." " You think so?" " Yeah, you just gotta get to know her." " What does she like?" " Poetry." " Boom." " She likes poetry." "I could do some poetry." "I saw the Dolemite movies." "I bought Kurtis Blow's comeback album." " I've seen Poetic Justice." " Okay." " Okay, come on now!" " I'm writing." ""You and me" ""Would be a doozy" ""If we got naked" ""In my Jacuzzi"" "That ain't no poetry." "That's pornography." "I'll show you poetry." ""With a whist of the wind" ""My heart was stolen" ""Gone forever" ""By a dream" ""Called Valerie"" "That was beautiful." " Take me, sailor." " Come on, man." " What you got there, son?" " Nothing." "For the past week, I've been writing Marlon a little love poetry." "You're writing your brother love poetry?" "What kind of weirdness are you two practicing back there in that apartment?" "I told your mom you should've slept in bunk beds." "16-year-olds cuddled up like that." "It just ain't natural." "No." "See, I write it for Marlon, and then he gives it to the girl." "That's good you're helping your brother, Shawn." "He's gonna need some poetry to get a woman." "You know, he's not as pretty as you and me." "Shawn, look!" "It worked." "Valerie wrote me back, and this time she left her number." "What did I tell you, boy?" "I ain't surprised." "I know women." "Marlon, I'm proud of you." "Now you're using your head." "Thank you." " Shawn, here." "Call her." " Me?" "Yeah, I don't know what to say to her." "Call up and make a date." "I don't think so." "You're bugging." "I see." "You don't think you could get her to say yes." "I mean, you being whipped by Lisa and all." "You probably lost your touch." "I'll do it myself." "Give me the phone." "You can take her to Bordeaux." "That's Lisa's favorite restaurant." "Hello, Valerie?" "Yeah, it's me, Marlon, the hopeless romantic." "Cute romantic." "I was wondering... if I could take you out to dinner tomorrow night at Bordeaux." "You're busy?" ""My heart bleeds a river of tears for your love"" "You can change your plans?" "Great!" "So I'll see you tomorrow night, 8:00, Bordeaux." "All right, my sweetness." "Take care." "Damn, I'm good." "Oh, damn." "Oh, man." "That Urkel sure does crack me up." "I'll grab us a couple of sodas." " Why can't he buy some pants that fit?" " What's this?" ""Your eyes arouse desire"" "Shawn, whose eyes arouse desire?" " That's Marlon's." " But this is your handwriting." " Yeah, I know, but..." " Who is Valerie?" "Valerie is a girl that I met..." "I mean, Marlon met." "This is who you were with that night when you said you were helping Marlon." "You're getting this all wrong." "I don't know what's wrong with you." "I can't believe this." " You're cheating on me." " What?" "Don't mind me." "I just came to get my basketball." "The boys are waiting downstairs." " Marlon, wait." "Come back." " What's up?" "Please, don't lie." "Who wrote this poem?" " And tell her who I wrote it for." " For Valerie." " Exactly." " All right, gotta go, guys." "Take care." "No, wait." "Hold on!" "Marlon, come back!" " Why, Shawn?" "So he can lie for you?" " You don't believe me, do you?" "This is making me mad." "If you think I'm a liar, why don't you call me one?" "Shawn, you're a liar." "You're gonna apologize for that." "I'm gonna count to three, all right?" "One... two..." "I knew it." "Go ahead, just say it." "All you gotta do is say sorry... and I'll forgive you." "We'll go back to watching..." "Ain't that a bitch?" "I can't believe Lisa thinks I'm cheating on her." "Man, she's tripping." "Girl get a new weave, think she cute." "Now, remember, when we go to the restaurant... you got to secretly pass me poetic things to say to Valerie, okay?" "I can't believe Lisa won't return my phone calls." "Man, forget Lisa." "You didn't do nothing wrong." "She should be calling you." "Yeah, you're right." "I didn't do nothing wrong... not that I couldn't have." "I mean, look at me." "I'm a delivery man... and every woman loves a man that can deliver." "You know what I mean." "Shoot, man." "Baby got some nerve." "Yeah." "She stomped on your heart." " You don't need Lisa." " I don't need her." "That's right." "You sure you don't wanna go over there and make sure she's okay?" "What?" "And beg her for forgiveness?" "You can't play yourself like that." " You ain't going out like that." " I ain't gonna play myself." " And you're too handsome to get played." " Damn skippy." " Handsome, can I use your credit card?" " Sure, man." "Shoot." "Lisa's gonna have to learn that you gotta get up early in the morning... to pull one over on me." "You know what I'm saying?" "This is one classy joint." "Real resquisite." "And Belafonte, too." " Hi, we have reservations." " Yes." "So do I." " Your name, please?" " Shawn Williams." "One party, two tables." "I don't like to look at my brother when I eat." "Yes, I can understand that." "This way." "You hilarious." "You're a regular on Seinfeld?" "Why is he so funny?" "I don't get it." "I hope these will do." "Our menus." "Thank you." "Wait a minute." "Your chef must have been drunk when he wrote these." " They don't even make no sense." " They're in French." "I'll bring you English menus." "They have pictures." "Picture this:" "I'm the customer and you're a lowly servant." "Now go get me some champagne, peasant." "Well, I guess you told me." "There goes Valerie." "Now remember... don't say anything until I give you the right words to use." "But you better make me sound intelligent." "I'm a poet, not a miracle-worker." "Have a seat, baby." "All right, let's get you in there." "I can't believe I finally get to spend time... with the man that wrote those letters." "That's me:" "Letter man." "I had no idea you were so romantic." "At the diner, you hardly spoke to me." "I thought you were a mute." "That's because I was dumbfounded by your beauty." "That's because I was dumbfounded by your booty." "Your beauty." "You got a beautiful booty, too." "Be sure to note our specials... and a handwritten note from the chef for you." "You know the chef?" "What does it say?" "And you're funny, too." " May I suggest the vichyssoise?" " The Vichy who?" "It's a cold potato soup." "Brother, for these prices, you better warm that thing up in the microwave." "You know, Valerie, when I look into your eyes, I..." "When I look into your eyes, I know that this is more than just... mere flatulation." "What?" "There we go." "When I look into your eyes..." "I know that this is more than just mere... infatuation." "And you know, Valerie... this is a love that's gonna last till the end of time." " Look at me." " Are you always this passionate?" "I mean, you're like a young Langston Hughes." "Excuse me, I was sitting there." "Sorry, it looked to me like you were crawling on the floor." "You don't understand." "I need to be closer." "I need to be closer." "Give me your hand." "Come on, baby, move it." "I'll give you §20." "What's going on here?" "Talk to me." "Someone is feeding you lines." "Get off of me!" "It's him, isn't it?" "No, it's not." "See, these are my words." "That's me, right there." "Say something poetic right now." "Just stop it, Marlon!" "This has all been one big scam." "You didn't even write any of those letters." "All right." "You got me." "I didn't write them." "I just liked you so much, I had my brother write them for me." "I don't know what to say." "Say you love me anyhow." "I'm sorry." "I can't." "I love the man who wrote those letters." "But, Valerie, these are my words." "These are my feelings." "Doesn't that count for anything?" "No?" "You're telling me my feelings don't count?" "You know what?" "I might be pathetic, okay?" "But you..." "You're mean, you're cold." "Look at you." "You're in love with a bunch of words... when you could've been in love with a real man." "A real skinny man, but a real man." "Have fun cuddling with your little letter." "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go contain my feelings." " I'll take care of it." " It's over." "It's all over." "Don't let her order anything." " Look, Valerie, let me explain." " No, there's no need to explain." "Yes, there is." "My little brother's crazy about you." "It's just that he doesn't have any social skills." "Never mind your brother." "No one could write those words... unless they felt them in their heart." "And only a woman in love... could feel the way that I feel about you." " Sister, you got the wrong brother." " No, baby." "Don't fight your feelings." "Lisa, isn't that Shawn... kissing another woman?" "No, it doesn't look like him at all." "You know, I'm not even hungry." "Let's just go home." " Hi, Shawn." " Lisa, this isn't what it looks like." "Listen to me." "Tell her about Marlon." "I don't know anyone named Marlon." "She's lying." "I see." "This is real nice, Valerie." "First you break my heart, and now you forget my name?" "Love 'em and leave 'em." "That's your little game." "Shawn, I am so sorry." " I feel so stupid." " Not as stupid as you look in that outfit." "Stupid this." "Nice." "I mean, really high-class." "Here, have some champagne." " I see." "So that's how it's gonna be." " Okay, wait." "Come on, y'all." "Stop." "It's on now." "People, please." "This is a four-star restaurant." "No doubt!" "Well, just call me lowly servant boy." "Isn't that sweet?" "Jane, thanks for taking that pie for me." "How about a little favor in return?" "How about hooking me up with Marlon?" "Yeah, he's kind of cute." "And look at the poem he wrote:" ""You and me would be a doozy" ""If we got naked in my Jacuzzi"" "He's so honest." "You like that one?" "I got another one for you." ""There once was a man from Nantucket"" ""I was sitting in the diner the other day" ""Looking for a way to make some big fat pay" ""My wife came in asking for some water" ""I decided to charge my baby two bills and a quarter" ""So I started selling latte by the dollar, two, and three" ""They may call it fancy coffee" ""But I call it" ""Ye-de-dee"" "Thank you." "Thank..." "English"