"This programme contains some strong language." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Good evening." "Welcome to Have I Got News For You." "I'm Jeremy Clarkson." "In the news this week:" "Evidence from the McLaren garage suggests their poor season in Formula 1 may be down to a lack of focus." "Oi!" "LAUGHTER" "Awaiting trial and forced to spend time at home helping with domestic chores, things go from bad to worse for Sepp Blatter." "LAUGHTER" "And in Brighton, Labour's Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell are relieved to get out of the conference centre without making any more blunders." "LAUGHTER" "LAUGHTER CONTINUES" "On Ian's team tonight is a journalist who's been covering the Rugby World Cup for the Sunday Times." "Her next piece will be out at the weekend, as will England." "Please welcome Camilla Long." "APPLAUSE" "And with Paul tonight is a presenter of two top-rating daytime TV shows, which is why he's such a passionate opponent of Iain Duncan Smith's scheme to get people back to work." "Please welcome Richard Osman." "APPLAUSE" "And we start with the bigger stories of the week." "Ian and Camilla, take a look at this." " Ah..." " Ooh, yes, I wonder what this is." " Oh, there's Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell." " Happy frontbench!" " Vegetarian sandwich." " Yes, and that was the last speech." "LAUGHTER" "Which didn't go down quite so well." "You ran the footage of him going up the stairs but that's a metaphor, really, for Corbyn fighting the right wing media." " AUDIENCE MEMBER:" " Woo!" " Thank you very much, indeed." "But, anyway, this is the Labour conference." "It didn't go as badly as everyone hoped." "And..." "LAUGHTER" "In the end, Corbyn was not very good." "I have to say, I like him." "As a person." "I do, I like him as a person." "I think if, um..." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CAMILLA:" "Have you met him, though?" " If he was on Bake Off..." " LAUGHTER" "..which is how I judge these things." "First couple of weeks," ""Oh, I'm not sure about the grumpy, I'm not sure about Jeremy."" "Then, "Oh, I love that." "Wasn't it lovely when Elaine" ""dropped that flan and Jeremy picked it up?" If he was on..." "LAUGHTER" "If he was on Bake Off and Cameron was on Bake Off, he would win the next election." "I don't know if that's how they're doing it, but if they do..." "That's certainly news, that the election's decided by Bake Off now." "Ian, Ian, it's the new politics." "You're absolutely right, of course." "It is the first conference for Corbyn as leader and, obviously, it was slightly derailed at the end by this nuclear business." "Tell me about Trident." "I understand the reason why we had Trident immediately after the, you know, the Bay Of Pigs and the Cuban Missile Crisis." "Why have we still got this?" "Why have we got this submarine?" "What is it protecting us from?" "Um, originally..." "Is it a tax on the underground?" "LAUGHTER" "No, nor tax on buildings." "It was there originally to, uh, protect us against the Russians during the Cold War..." "But that sort of war's moved on now, hasn't it?" "Yeah, but one of the things about this week is it just reminds you that the Russians are still there." "Yeah, but I've got a box of hay under my bed." "It keeps the elephants away." "It's the same thing with Trident." "It's really difficult to prove that it's sort of doing what it's meant to have done." "It is very difficult to prove." "I mean..." "Cos my box of hay doesn't cost 120 billion quid, you see." " It does keep the elephants away." " No elephants." " No elephants." "Have we gone on Question Time?" "LAUGHTER" "I'm sure it's CBeebies, I think!" "He was asked a straight question and he gave a genuine answer." "They asked a question, which they always do with politicians:" ""Ask him a question that's impossible to answer."" "Would you ever press the nuclear button?" "If you say "no", you have this reaction." "If you say "yes", you say:" ""Well, you've always said you wouldn't do."" "He can't answer it." "So, what does he do?" "He actually told the truth." "And no-one's done that for a long time." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Whether he is right or wrong," "I think that's a refreshing way to deal with it." "The problem was that he then changed his mind afterwards, which is not great if you've got your finger hovering above" " the nuclear button, to be fair." " I had a bit of sympathy when he said he'd never press that button under any circumstances, because I'm the same with the ITV2 button on my remote." "LAUGHTER" "What is ITV2?" "Look, you will find out soon enough, Jeremy." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "You have no idea." "Oh, you stuck in the 1930s..." "Oi, listen, I'm no-one, talking to a man who's just been paid" "£116 million for his new series, so you can do whatever you want." "I am sitting here with an erection while you're having a go..." "SHOCKED LAUGHTER Anyway..." "Are you certain it's Amazon Prime and not Amazon Past Their Prime?" " AUDIENCE:" " Ooh!" "Why is it irrelevant whether Jeremy Corbyn pushes the button or not?" "Because there's no such thing." "No, no - well, there probably isn't, actually." "Button's connected to an espresso machine." "It's because there's another way of getting submarine commanders" " to launch nuclear missiles." " Oh, yes, that's right." "They tune in to Radio 4." "If it's not on, they fire the missile." " There you go." " That's the thing that's been protecting us for 30 years." "Making sure that everybody on Radio 4 keeps talking all the time." "The last voice you'll hear will be Nicholas Parsons." "It is - if they can't tune into Radio 4 for a given number of days, the submarine commander goes, "Well, London must have been destroyed," ""let's flatten Moscow."" "Did anyone see his speech?" "Yeah, I thought it was exactly what people wanted to hear." "It was a bit rambly." "He borrowed a bit of it." "He missed out some stuff." "The deficit." "The fact that Labour lost the election." "I mean, there's stuff that will have to be addressed eventually, if anyone's going to vote for him." "But Miliband did all of those things and no-one voted for him either." "I'd rather hear a more fun speech from someone no-one's going to vote for." " Oh, you're not saying his speech was more fun?" " Yes, more entertaining." "There's a bit more personality to it, because you think," ""Blimey, look at him." "What's he doing there?"" "LAUGHTER" "It could, like, be anybody." "It could be any of us." "Not you." "JEREMY MUTTERS" "I dunno, old bloke called Jeremy with extreme views." "APPLAUSE" "His message was, "It's nice to be nice" ""and nice things are nicer than not-nice things."" " I don't see anything wrong with that." " No, there's nothing wrong with it." "What do we think of his delivery?" " Oh, God, are we back to Amazon?" " No." "I know you've got to get the plugs in." "He read out a bit where someone had written," " "Strong message here."" " Yep, let's show it to the ladies and gentlemen." "Here it is." "We need to be investing in skills, investing in our young people." "And - strong message here - not cutting student numbers." " Wasn't his most professional moment, I don't think." " No." "No, and it does suggest that the strong message had been missed out." "LAUGHTER" "So, did you hear what he called you two?" " Sickening capitalist lickspittles." " Pretty much." " I like the "commentariat" bit." " Yeah." " Yup." "Just a Soviet hint there." "Why would he say that about you, Camilla?" "I said that I was a little bit in love with him only two months ago, so I don't know what he would say that." "Well, I'll tell you...other things you've said about him is, he is a..." " LAUGHTER" " Correct." "LAUGHTER" "You should sugar-coat it, really." "I stand by it." "Who was notable by their absence at the Labour Party conference?" " Uh, Putin." " Yes." " LAUGHTER" " Ed Miliband wasn't there." " None of the old guard's there." "Blair didn't turn up." " No." " Mandelson." " Attlee." " No." "LAUGHTER" "Do you know where they were according to The Sun?" "Drinking the blood of babies." "Kinnock was..." " Bastard." " Yeah." "Blair was..." "Brown was..." "And Miliband was..." "LAUGHTER" "Now, there are lots of new faces, as you touched on already, on the Labour frontbench." " Shall we have a little Who The Hell Are You game?" " Yeah." " Yes." " Shall we do that?" "Bit of a quiz?" "Who's this?" " Mm, dunno." "Is that the new agriculture secretary?" "Environment, Food, Rural Affairs." " Environmental and Rural Affairs." " Department of." "Shadow, obviously." " Isn't she a vegan?" " She's called Kerry McCarthy." "Yes, she thought meat should be treated like tobacco." " She actually is a militant vegan..." " What, smoked?" "LAUGHTER A militant vegan..." "Should all be bacon!" "A militant vegan..." "But they do produce 23 times more carbon dioxide than cars." "Especially those VW cows they've got now." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "We may be moving onto that." "Right, who's this?" "Is that Maria Eagle?" "No?" "Well, at least she's worn a tie." " No, he's Lord Watson." " What?" "Shadow Education spokesman." "And do you know what he's best   well, you obviously won't know what he's best known for." " Tourists." "Tourism." "Lord What's-on-in-London." " No, he's..." " I'm sorry, that's the second best joke I've done." " You haven't reacted." " LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "His claim to fame is he did eight months in prison for setting fire to the curtains in his Edinburgh hotel." " Oh." " Oh, so he did." " Not HIS Edinburgh hotel, just A Edinburgh hotel." "Over at the Ukip conference, how was Nigel Farage caught out this week?" "He seemed to forget the microphone was on." "We've got upstairs on the fourth floor is the Lazarus Suite, which is my sort of room, so away from all the press, if you want to come up in about half an hour and say hello." "LAUGHTER" "There is literally nothing I can think to say now." "Lazarus Suite, where you come back from the dead!" "Wasn't that the lady who had the picture of him tattooed on her arm?" "You can see it, actually, if you want." "There's the tattoo of Nigel Farage." "She went into a tattoo parlour and said, "What have you got?" ""What designs?" "Can I have a skull?" "No." "I think I'll have Nigel Farage."" "And there it is." "She said, "I want a bell, but just the end of a bell."" "Over at the Lib Dems, do you think they are likely to benefit from defections from the Labour Party now that Corbyn is in the hot seat?" "They certainly think they will." "They think people will move back to the centre and join the Lib Dems." "They put out a message saying, "Come aboard!"" "Let's see how they dealt with that question on The Wright Stuff recently." "Do you anticipate many leaving to join the Lib Dems?" "Well, I think you've also got this issue of the Prime Minister putting his cock in a dead pig's mouth." "Dan, do you know what, mate?" "One, it's an allegation." "Two, your choice of language in referring to that" "I think far goes beyond what is permitted at this time of the day." "And on that point, you've forfeited any right to speak on this show so bye-bye." "I'm glad we finally mentioned it, though." "It has been an elephant in the room." "Really?" "That's a new one." "It's hard to talk about, precisely because you're not allowed to say those sorts..." "It's a difficult story to talk about," " isn't it?" " What, cock?" "Yeah, you can't really say it." " You can't on Pointless, you can here." " OK." "I was going to say he put his Clarkson in a pig's mouth." "I don't know, this ritual..." "What are the benefits of joining this club?" "What do you get?" "10% off sports equipment?" "What's the great club that you have to stick your cock in a dead pig's mouth to become a member?" "Ian, you used to be a member, didn't you?" " Um..." " Oh, there's a hesitation!" "No, I wasn't a member." "It says I was a member on Wikipedia." " That's what they all say." " Yeah." "Which is quite embarrassing, given I spent half the week with tabloid journalists ringing me up saying, "Have you..." " "put your..."" " Placed your chap." "".." "Clarkson in a receptacle."" "Anyway." "No, I was not a member of the Piers Gaveston Society." "I was a member of the Piers Morgan." "I won't ask what the ritual was to get into that club." "Did you know people that were?" "Was that the sort of thing they did?" "Yeah, yeah!" "No, no." "Yes, yes, no, no?" "Are they your final two words on the subject?" "He asked me two questions." "He said, "Did you know people who were there"" "and then he asked another question." "I said, "Yes, I did know people." "No, I didn't."" "Which is sort of my answer." "I thought I was the one that was going to get a hard time tonight and it turns out Ian is!" " Right, yes..." " Is that it?" "We're going to just leave it alone?" "Lord Ashcroft getting this amazing story into the public domain via the Daily Mail." "I don't think it's even a story." "It's a fantasy." "It's an act of amazing revenge by The Mail, in cohorts with Lord Ashcroft, which the whole country has decided to believe." "Usually a story in The Daily Mail, peddled by a non-dom Tory peer, who gave eight million quid to the Tory party and is in a strop because he wasn't made Defence Secretary, would be laughed out of court." "It's not in court yet, but I was hoping it might get in there." "But no, we've all taken this seriously and there's the grinning Lord Ashcroft, who, if you want to talk about members inserted into the House of Lords..." "There he is!" "I mean, it's a disgraceful story." "This man, Lord Ashcroft, who gave the Tories all this money, thought he could get himself into the Cabinet, thought he could buy himself a Cabinet post." "And everybody's gone along with this, saying, "Great, Lord Ashcroft."" "He's a non-dom." "If we're doing prick jokes, let's have a condom joke." "APPLAUSE" "And if you want something disgusting the Prime Minister's done," "I mean, there's loads of it." "Bedroom tax would be a good start." "There's plenty of these things." "Everyone goes around saying," ""It's about a pig when he was 20."" "Well, how about being really appalling when he was 50?" "APPLAUSE" "Yes, it's the new Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn." "Actually, at this early stage, I've got nothing against the bearded, sandal-wearing, teetotal, non-smoking, hummus-loving, Hamas-loving, anthem-dodging pinko lefty." "There was criticism that parts of the speech dated back to the 1980s, but this didn't seem to bother party activists, who gave Corbyn a standing ovation as he pledged to do everything in his power to free Nelson Mandela." "At one point, Corbyn accidentally read out a stage direction from his autocue when he said..." "Deary me, autocue's really not that difficult." "Sneer, roll eyes, go to next thing." "Claiming the party was open to new ideas," "Corbyn said he wanted to give people..." "An odd line, but it once worked a treat on Diane Abbott." "Paul and Richard, take a look at this." "Ah, yes, the 1930s are back in a big way." " New improved Top Gear." " Absolutely." "There's Adolf Hitler, he's not happy about Volkswagen, the people's car." "They've been cheating their emissions with a special bit of software, that when the car knows it's under testing conditions, it doesn't give the right information." "And Volkswagen - nobody knew about this at the top." "Just one bloke with a screwdriver did it without anybody else knowing." "He feels ashamed about it and he's managed to do this in over 50 million cars." "Exactly right." "That covers it all, doesn't it, really?" "I don't think Volkswagen's case was particularly helped by the fact that the deputy CEO was called Olaf Lies." "He was." " He was the only one telling the truth." " Yeah!" "We all lie about our emissions, though, don't we?" "Blame the dog?" "I think it's one of those questions you need to know about cars to deal with, so we need an expert." "Jeremy, have you got Chris Evans' phone number?" "APPLAUSE" "I am not allowed, on the BBC, to use the C word." " Corbyn?" " No, car." "You're not allowed to talk about cars at all?" "No, I can come and do this, I just can't talk about (cars)." " Really?" " Oh, right." "I'd be right in saying that motoring journalists sort of knew this story all along, about the emissions test?" "Don't think anybody knew that specifically there was a bit of software in it." "The story I do know, that one of the major companies was testing a car - well, driving a car past a man from the Government to test how loud it was, because they have to be within a certain amount of decibels," "and they knew it was going to fail, so as they got close to him, they put it into neutral, turned the engine off and coasted past him and, "That's fine, about loud enough,"" "and it was given...you can sell them." " You know when you said you weren't allowed to talk about cars..." " Yeah." "What are they going to do?" "Fucking sack me?" "!" "APPLAUSE" "I just thought of that, they can't, can they?" "Quite good fun." "You know what British owners of Volkswagens have been saying about it?" "This is particularly amusing, I find, anyway." "There's a chap here called Robin Cole who told BBC News..." "Go on." "Yes." "Ker-ching!" "There we are." "You can already hear the phone calls, can't you?" ""Have you been mis-sold a diesel car" ""that wasn't your fault?"" "But isn't everyone in America going to sue?" "This is just fantastic news for lawyers, for VW owners, for everybody who wants a slice of the German pie." " And it also means they can stop..." " Mmm." " LAUGHTER" " German pie." " Mmm." "It's German week on Bake Off." "There were some unusual emissions from a red Citroen Picasso this week." "Who was responsible for that?" "Who would have a Citroen Picasso?" " Red Citroen Picasso." "People who've given up on life, usually." " Yes." "Ronnie Pickering." " Oh, Ronnie Pickering." " The mad taxi driver." "Did he not sort of have an altercation with a motorcyclist and said, "Don't you know who I am?"" "And the motorcyclist said, "No."" " And he just kept on saying it." " Would you like to see it?" " Yes." " OK." " Do you know who I am?" " Do I care?" "You will do when I fucking... when you pull up." " Come on, then, who are you, then?" " Ronnie Pickering." " Who?" " Ronnie Pickering." " Who?" " Ronnie Pickering!" " Who the fuck's that?" " Me." "Ronnie Pickering." "APPLAUSE" "I bet Chris Evans is ringing him even now, don't you think?" "Go on, Jeremy, punch him." " CHEERING" " You can have a go if you want." "You remember how to punch, right?" "JEREMY MUTTERS" "Hello, he's rolling up his sleeve." "He's rolling up his sleeve." "The pie is here, the pie is here." "Chips, give us chips, quick." "Sprouts, sprouts, take it, take it, eat it, eat it!" "APPLAUSE" " I've been practising that face, it's a hard one to pull off." " What, the...?" "Well, you knew that that was going to crop up," " so I had to practise my face." " What was your face?" "I didn't see it." "Well, it's like, "Yes, I knew this was coming, what an idiot I am."" "But with a touch of, "You know, I made quite a lot of money out of it," ""so it's all right."" "I'm in a dilemma." "I mean, you punched Piers Morgan, so..." "Sometimes..." "APPLAUSE" " Yeah, you see." " No-one's sacking you for that." " No." "This is the Volkswagen fiasco." "Not the name of their latest hatchback, but the ongoing scandal over diesel emissions." "As prosecutors launched a criminal investigation into the emissions scandal, it's believed that one of the scientists involved there has killed himself in his garage." "He didn't mean to, he was just parking his car." "To fool the testers, VW vehicles were fitted with a so-called..." "If you're wondering what a defeat device looks like, well, here you go." "And so to round two and it's a welcome return for the Steering Wheel Of News." "There we are." "And here is the first spin." "# Do-do, do-do, do-do, do-do. #" "Robert Peston, that's Robert Peston." "He's not be wearing a tie properly or... he was getting a haircut and they want him to look a little bit..." "BBC One are a bit more corporate and he said, "Oh, well," ""this is the way I am," and he might be going to ITV where they will let him wear his shirt how he likes." " Well, nearly." " Nearly." " Nearly." "He's sort of been weird about his tie, hasn't he?" "He sort of refused to wear it and has made a sort of stance, unlike Ian." " A tie stance." " He's got a major tie game going on tonight." "This has happened before." "When you had Nancy Dell'Olio, and you two were really..." " Did you have Nancy Dell'Olio?" " What?" "!" "When Nancy Dell'Olio was there and the two of them were just at it all night long." "There is no secret about my and Ian's love." "There is." "I didn't know about it." "I didn't know about it." " Your wife is probably in the audience, so..." " No, she's away." " Can we get back to the news, please?" " Yes, we can." "I think news is developing as we're talking." " Anyway, no, you're nearly right." " Appearance, appearance." "Thing is, though, yes, it's appearance but he's been told that if he wants the ITV News job, which apparently is something he's after, he'll have to put a tie on." " Oh, right." " So it's the other way round." " Yes, I see." "He's been thinking about the career move a lot and, according to the Guardian, he is said to be agonising." "Particularly when he's trying to get to the end of a sentence." "Because, why do you think ITV care?" "Shares in Tie Rack?" "They're apparently more strict about their dress code." "Wouldn't allow him to interview prominent figures dressed as some kind of lounge lizard." "Like this." "There will be many people concerned that you are offering a big..." " LAUGHTER - .." "Treasury subsidy for power that, right now, nuclear power, looks very, very expensive." " What does Robert Peston say about all this?" " Oh, he just doesn't care." "Having a shirt undone to the waist may be an obstacle to your career on British television news, but where is it a positive asset?" " Italy." " It is Greece?" " Australia." " Nearly." " Albania." " Yes." "Albania is the correct answer." "On the TV station" "HE SLURS:" "Zjarr..." "That's the actual name of the TV..." "Yeah, don't be rude, you'll be on it." " A young newsreader called Enki Bracaj." "She's..." " Enki Bracaj?" "I think I was at school with him." "She's..." "Here we go." "SHE SPEAKS ALBANIAN" "LAUGHTER" "I think a tie would help." "APPLAUSE" "Do you know, the really embarrassing thing is, the next question is about Rebekah Brooks and I'm not going to do that." "Well, I know the answer." "Innocent." "APPLAUSE" "Exactly." "On what grounds do you make that rather extraordinary statement?" "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me." "Are we deliberately missing out a Rebekah Brooks question?" " It's the wheel of evasion." " Ah, yes, this is Rebekah Brooks." "She was in the news recently." "APPLAUSE" "Oh, I know who that is." "You may be a bit more on the details than I am, actually." " It's a dull man contest, isn't it?" " Well done." "It's called the Dull Men's Club." "They used to do a calendar and now there are so many of them," " they've upgraded it to a book." " Fabulous." "If they've called it the Dull Men's Club, that's annoying, because you'd have to think of a new name for your new show." "GROANS" "My favourite dull man was the man who kept a diary from 1980 of his lawn-mowing activities." "I'll give you three points if you can tell me his name." " Um..." " Ronnie Pickering." ""Here I am."" "I've even got a photograph of him." "He's called David Grisenthwaite and here he is." "AUDIENCE:" "Aww." "Somebody said to him, "Why?" And he said..." "So, this man, OK?" "He's kept detailed records of over 300 bandstands around Britain." " Do you know how he celebrated his 50th birthday?" "Paul." " Paul?" " Rabbitts." "Handstand on a bandstand." "IAN LAUGHS" " He got a tattoo of his favourite bandstand." " Oh." "More dull men?" " Yes, please." " Yes." " Who is he?" " Now, you see, he is an expert on manhole covers." " Yes, he is." "Which I thought was actually incredibly interesting." "He can see a manhole cover and say, "Yes..."" ""That's a manhole cover."" "Corbyn actually said..." "That's why people are so worried." "Middle England's going to take him to their breast." "He likes allotments, manhole covers and wears sandals." " You think he's not going to win?" " Yeah." "The other one's sticking his cock in a pig." " And the last spin." " Last spin." " Ready?" " Yeah." " This'll be Rebekah Brooks." " Yeah." "That's handy, cos I've got questions on that one." "This is Putin powering into Syria, and Obama being tense about him doing this and then having a tense meeting at the UN." "Who is currently bombing Syria?" "The US are bombing, the French are bombing, the Russians have now joined in." "We want to go in, apparently." "You wouldn't want to be an air-traffic controller, would you?" "In Syria right now. "Where the hell are this lot coming from?"" "Terrifying to think in maybe 18 months' time that could be Putin against Donald Trump." "Then we'd be really worried, right?" "Yeah, no, that would be..." "With Monsieur Hollande... ..and Jeremy Corbyn." "Which other famous face popped in to see Obama this week?" " The Pope." " Sorry." " At times it did look like he didn't want to be there." " Really?" " Watch." "MUSIC:" "Inno E Marcia Pontificale" "Music:" "Star-spangled Banner" "How dare he not sing(!" ")" "APPLAUSE" "And who did the Pope make cry on his visit to the US?" "Was it one of the senators who'd invited him to address the Congress?" " John Boehner?" " Exactly." "Let's have a look." "He's the chap on the right-hand side in this clip." "I am most grateful for the invitation to address this joint session of Congress..." "..in the land of the free and the home of the brave." "APPLAUSE" "That's just lamentable." "How lamentable is that?" "Is he an illegal immigrant?" " Who went all out and dressed up for the Pope's visit?" " Aretha Franklin." " May have done." " The Pope." "The Pope's wife." " No..." " We don't talk about her" " Mrs Pope, you know?" " Wasn't there..." " Elsie." " There was a little baby dressed as a Pope." "There was a baby dressed as a Pope." "There was, actually." " Do you want to have a look?" " Yeah, baby dressed as Pope." " CAMILLA:" " I love the baby Pope." " There you go." " RICHARD:" " Most babies are dressed as the Pope." "It's the only impression they can do." "I'll tell you what, no, there was something else apart from the baby that got dressed up to meet the Pope." " Dogs disguised as the Pope." " Look at this lot." "The Pope's got a hairy face." "Apparently, asked if the Pope was aware of the Pope-dog trend, a Vatican spokesman said..." "What is the Pope releasing just in time for Christmas?" "Is at an emission?" " A single?" " Yes, it is, he's releasing his own rock and pop album." " Oh, lovely." " With his papal speeches set to music." " Fantastic." "He premiered it on Rolling Stone's website, it's called..." "MUSIC PLAYS" "'Wake up.'" "'Wake up.'" "It's not an advert for an alarm clock, is it?" "The papal alarm clock." "That is a great thing to download." "It's a number one right there, isn't it?" "Because everyone will want that." "The Pope waking them up going, "Wake up, wake up."" ""You should not be in my room at this time."" "Apparently the song's big message is..." "Wake up." " ..and get out of my bedroom." " Yeah." "Right, yes, Putin launched missile strikes in Syria this week after giving America a one-hour warning." "Russian forces deny hitting non-IS rebel areas and insist the plumes of black smoke came from someone starting their Volkswagen." "Meanwhile, when the Pope addressed the US Congress," "Speaker John Boehner was moved to tears." "And that is pathetic." "The only time you'd catch our speaker crying is if he comes home early and sees his cousin's trousers on the landing." "GASPS AND GROANS" "Time for the missing words round which, this week, features as its guest publication Warehouse  Logistics News." "We'll start with..." "After Mr Gromit is sacked." "After his competitors are found in shallow graves in Epping Forest." "He wins Warehouse Manager of the Year after..." "Nobody else could do..." "APPLAUSE Exactly." "Wouldn't it be better management if he'd asked somebody else to do it?" "That's doing it himself, that's not management." " Yeah, Wallace, cocked that up." " Yeah, give it back." "This was at the UK Warehousing Awards where..." "With all of them looking round and excitedly asking the same thing." ""What do you reckon the square footage is in this place?"" "Next..." " I would be a box of 24 plastic Leatherex posing pouches." " Oh, yeah." "It isn't that." "I didn't think it would be, but it's always been a thing of mine," " that's all." " The answer is..." " Oh, I was going to say that." " Oh, I'd love to be a forklift truck." "Well, this is from an interview with Liam Parnell in Warehouse And Logistics News." "He also said his favourite book was called Flat Stanley, as the title reminded him of what happened to an old workmate when the pallets fell on him." "Next..." "Is this a story about the man at London Zoo who is having an affair with two women at the same time?" "No, not at the same time but successive women and then they beat each other up at a party." "And one of them was a meerkat...whisperer." "And...the other one, I think..." "Are you all right?" "Meerkat whisperer?" ""I'm looking to get some insurance."" "This could be wrong." "You're sort of, yeah, I'm going to give it to you, really, because the answer is..." "This is the London Zoo love triangle." "The fight was sparked soon after one London Zoo worker dumped his girlfriend who, as it turned out, wasn't a keeper." "And next..." " Roof." "A door." " Yup." " Is at a guy called Terry?" " Yeah." "Smoking a cigarette. "Nothing to do with me, mate."" "Is it workforce?" " Oh, no, that's pre-Amazon." " GROANS" "Electricity supply." "I'm talking about workers' conditions here." " Would you like to know what the answer to this is?" " Computer?" "The thing is, you're right, all of them are very important, aren't they?" "But according to this... noble publication, the answer is a concrete floor." " Oh, yeah, nearly right with roof." " Yeah, that was very good." "Yes, this article from Warehouse And Logistics News..." " Just got it the wrong way up." " Wrong way up." " That's half a point." " That's got to be worth half a point." " Exactly, yeah." " Come on, Jeremy." " No." " Come on, it's Christmas." " No, it's not Christmas." " Last time you threw a pen at me, give us half a point." " I can't." "Because it's not the answer, the answer is concrete floor." "It's from Warehouse And Logistics News." "One day on Dave it'll be Christmas, come on." "It's always Christmas on Dave." "Next..." "Urination." "Lying." "Telling lies." "Lying." "There's something about keeping the urine inside your bladder that helps you to concentrate and helps you to formulate lies easier." " That's exactly right." " I know, I wouldn't bother saying it otherwise." " It's exactly right." " As if to back that up, do you know Tony Blair used to make a speech needing the toilet?" "Not just Tony Blair." "The Independent reported that..." "Though, sadly, that led to a kidney infection and what he described to his doctor as rivers of blood." "GROANS" "I could get sacked again for that one, actually, I reckon." "Next..." " Oh, I know this one." " I know this one, it's Sir John Chilcot." "Is it the final decision on how to refer to David Cameron's penis to settle nee-nah or woo-woo debate?" "Nope." "This is about children in Leicestershire being asked to identify the noise a police siren makes." "So the police went in and said," ""There's a bit of a debate going on, is it a nee-nah or a woo-woo?"" "And they set off these sirens and people were going..." "They thought it was an alarm going off, so it was all just basically getting children to guess whether it's nee-nah or woo-woo." " Exactly right." " Exactly right." "This is the news that police in Swindon have had to apologise after setting off their sirens to settle a debate between five-year-olds on whether they want nee-nah or woo-woo." "Final vote in the school in Swindon was..." "Most of the children stayed silent because their parents had told them never to talk to the police." "Next..." "But is the warehouse mightier than the contents inside?" " Philosophical question." " It's..." "It's from Warehouse  Logistics News, the article says..." "No, Warehouse  Logistics News, you're wrong." "Because I'd be far too busy singing the praises of the GoBox 1210 blue bulk storage container, with increased ground clearance and additional corner ribs for optimum strength and superior performance in dynamic, stacked and racked scenarios." "Don't presume you know me." "APPLAUSE" "Next..." "Press charges." "Was it live in 1942?" "Very close." "She said..." " Yes." " Yup." "This is a Miss Italy contestant who told judges she'd love to travel back in time to the 1940s." "If she'd gone back to 1942, the 18-year-old Miss Italy would have experienced many dangers, such as air raids," "Mussolini's secret police and, most terrifying of all, being approached by middle-aged Silvio Berlusconi." "And, finally..." " Is it paedophile?" " Well, could be." "It'll be some poison." "E coli." " Oh, you're getting nearer." " Not salmonella?" " That would be tuna-ella." " It was in the Daily Mail." "The answer is deadly toxin." "This news was from the Daily Mail this week." "Sandwiches are often dangerous, of course, especially if it's 11 o'clock at night and..." "You've had a couple of hours' drinking first." "Is it coke?" " Or just bad temper?" " The final scores are, Ian and Camilla, five," " Paul and Richard, six." " No!" "APPLAUSE" "APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH" "I leave you with news that at a Moscow exhibition celebrating his life, some of Vladimir Putin's childhood toys go on display." "On the set of my new car show for Amazon Prime, there are concerns that James May might be becoming a bit diva-ish." "And in Bavaria, a fox regrets standing too close to the exhaust of a Volkswagen Golf." "Goodnight." "APPLAUSE"