"Look at this, Balki." "They're all in the wrong jackets." "Wayne Newton is in Juice Newton's jacket." "There's no telling where Olivia Newton-John is." "Elton John." "Cousin." "Something wonderful happened to me on the way home." "Don't tell me." "You found work as a human cannonball." "No, you big kidder." "I stopped by the newsstand to pick up the latest edition of Spider-Man comics and a nice man offered me a delivery job." "A job?" "You already have a job." "Yes, so now we're a three-income family." "Right." "So, cousin, with my first day's pay, I buy you this." "Oh." "Well, Balki, I don't know what to say." "Oh." "Well, oh, this is..." "This is..." "What is this?" "It's a potato clock." "A potato clock?" "Yes, you stick these into a potato and it runs off potato power." "Well, Balki, thank you, but, really, you shouldn't have." "Oh, go on with you." " No, no." "I mean it." "Don't you worry your curly little head about that." "I'm loaded." "Vince give me $50." "Fifty dollars?" "Who is Vince?" "Vince is the man who sits in the limousine parked outside the newsstand all the time." "He give me the money, and he says to me that there's plenty more where that come from." "And then he does this with his eye:" "He likes Balki." "I'll bet he does." "You took a job from a man whose office is a car?" "Yes, and he's doing pretty good." "He have two secretaries in the back seat." "What exactly do you do for this Vince?" "Well, I take a package from him and I deliver it to his uncle downtown." "But it's not so simple as it sounds." "Vince says that someone might follow me, so I must never walk the same way twice." "So today, I walked like this and tomorrow, I'm gonna walk like this." "Interesting." "Ahem." "Balki." "Ahem." "Vince is a crook." "You are obviously involved in something illegal." "Cousin, delivering a package is illegal?" "Well, it could be, depending on what's in it." "What's in it?" "I don't know." "Well, then, how do you know it's illegal?" "Because the package belongs to a man who works out of a car with secretaries in the back seat." "So?" " They are not secretaries." "What is your point?" "The point is you never look before you leap which is why you get into these messes and I have to bail you out." "When is your next delivery?" " I'm not telling." "When is your next delivery?" " Tomorrow at lunch." "Well, I'm going with you." " Well, okay." "Cousin, I told you I don't have time to stop here." "I have to make a delivery." " Plenty of time for that." "Cousin, no." "Vince told me not to stop." "I have to deliver this package." "We have to find out what's inside." "You could be smuggling drugs." "No, cousin, we can't open it." "Vince told me not to." "That's exactly why we have to open it." " No." "Balki." "Give me that package." " No." "Now, we're going to open it." "Balki, give me that package." "N" " O, no." " Give me that package." "Can't you spell?" "Just try to..." "I'm going to lunch." "Oh!" "Uhn!" "Look at all the money." "Poor Vince must have given me the wrong package." "Yes, I know how that can be." "I'm constantly misplacing thousands of dollars." "Balki, Vince is running numbers." "Well, of course he is." "Don't be ridiculous." "And you thought he was doing something illegal." "It's illegal gambling." "It's a crime." "They send people to prison for that, and you're involved." "But, cousin, if I'm a criminal, they won't let me become a citizen." "What I'm going to do?" " All right, don't panic." "The first thing to do is to tape up this package." "Get some tape." "You're gonna have to take this back to Vince and give him back his $50." "All right, first, we're gonna have to take care of these customers." "May we help you?" " I think so." "Police." "We've been following you for a half hour." "You two are under arrest." "What?" " Spread them." "Oh." "Stop it, stop it." "Are we in trouble?" "Yes." "Yes, we're in trouble." " You have the right to remain silent." "If you give up that right, anything you say can be used against you in a court of law." "Thank you for picking us up at the police station." "We were so worried about you." "Well, it was pretty grim." "I mean, they grilled us for hours under those lights." "Cousin, they grilled me." "You fainted." "Well, it was hot under those lights." "I'm glad they believed you were innocent." "What did they do about Vince?" "Well, thanks to yours truly, Vince was arrested." "The police practically begged us to testify at his arraignment tomorrow." "We are part of The State v. Vince?" "Lucas." "The police say that he's involved in all kinds of illegal things." "Gambling is just the tip of the ice cube." "You know, I think he's the same jerk that was bothering Mary Ann and me." "Why do people let him get away with such things?" "I guess they're afraid." "Most people just don't have the guts to get involved." "But we do." "It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it." "I just love it when you talk like that." "Yeah, well." "A man's gotta do what a man's got to do." "We'd better let you get some rest." "You have a big day in court tomorrow." "I'm not tired." "Heh." "We'll see you down at the courthouse tomorrow." "Good night, Balki." "You struck out, huh?" "We're gonna be doing a good thing for the community by putting Vince away." "I'll get it." "Jennifer probably wants to tell me how proud she is of me in private." "Hm?" "Oh, my God." "It's Vince." "Well, he probably just wants to apologize for getting us in trouble." "Open the door!" "Uh..." "This is not a good time." "The place is a mess." "If you had called first..." "Vince." "Hi." "Come on in." "Our door's always open." "Especially now." "Oh." "Balki, look, it's Vince." "Oh." "Hey, heard you got busted." "Us too." "You'll get a smart lawyer, he'll get you off." "You won't do a dime's worth of time." "You'll walk." "Can I talk now?" " Sure." "I once had a guy named Lenny who delivered packages for me." "He decided to sing." "Now Lenny's with the angels." "Lenny's a singing baseball player?" "Let me try again." "Testify tomorrow, and you'll be holding your breath forever, you got it?" "Got it." " I don't got it." "If you hold your breath forever, you..." "Got it." "So these are the Halls of Justice." "Where are the Halls of Montezuma?" "They're in another building." "Excuse me." "Boy, am I glad you guys showed up." "My case is falling apart." "Seven of the witnesses suddenly got amnesia." "You've still got the eighth, don't you?" "The eighth?" "Can't find him at all." "What do you mean "can't find"?" " He just disappeared." "Go figure." "Balki, there are no other witnesses, just us." "Cousin, there's nothing to worry about." "Nothing to worry about?" "One of the witnesses disappeared." "We have the whole legal system behind us." "Hi, Balki, Larry." "This is so exciting." " Yes, isn't it?" "Well, break a leg." "Balki, we can't testify." "What?" "Whatever happened to "A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do"?" "No." "No, see, you don't understand." "If we testify against this man, he's going to kill us." "Cousin, we have to go over there and say what we know." "It's the right thing to do." "Yes, I know it's the right thing to do, but we can't do it." "I mean, it's not like we're taking a big bite out of crime." "I mean, if we testify, maybe we'll put away one small-time criminal but someone else will just take his place." "It's not worth dying for." "Psst." "Psssst." "Psst." "Uh..." "Mr. O'Day, we've been thinking and we're not sure that we can identify the man." "I mean, it was awfully dark." "It was noon." "Right." "Right." "I don't know how to say this, but..." "You've been thinking and you've decided not to testify." "Well, only in the legal sense." "There goes my case." "All rise." "This hearing is now in sessión, the Honorable Francis T. Ceretto presiding." "Ohhh." "I was hoping for Judge Wapner." "Your Honor, I'm sorry to say that the state has suffered a minor setback." "We have no witnesses." " I'd call that a setback." "Well, if there are no witnesses, there's no case, so I'm going to have..." "Please, please." "I am a witness." "No, no." "He misunderstood." "He's not a "witness" witness, he's a Jehovah's Witness." "You can't do this." " Cousin, I have to do this." "Vince used me." "My honor is at stake." "My honor." "You don't mess around with a Mypion's honor." "Your Honor, the state would like to call Balki Bartokomous." "A one, a two, a one, two, three." "Ah." "Mr. Bartokomous, you're supposed to sit up there." "Really?" " Yes." "Right next to the judge?" " Yes." "Wow." "Hi." "Nice robes." "Please, sit down." "Raise your right hand." "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" "Well, of course I do." "Don't be ridiculous." "And then, after Vince kicked down our door and threatened us, I went to sleep because I said to myself, I said, "Balki, you should go to sleep because tomorrow, you're going to have to go to court and testify and you don't want to have those big black circles under your eyes, like..."" "Like when Cousin Larry makes breakfast." "Cousin, you know when you leave the eggs in the pan too long and they get all black around the edges..." "Your Honor." "Sustained, sustained." "Mr. Dunne." " Thank you, Your Honor." "Hmm." "Mr. Bartokomous I think it's rather obvious that you're an immigrant so let's stop beating around the bush." "Why did you come to America?" "Oh." "Because when I am a little, small boy, I dream to come to America." "The land of the free, the home of the braves." "And my dream was to travel all over this land from California to the New York Island." "From the redwoods forest to the Gulf Stream water this land was made for you and me." "And if I had a hammer..." " I see." "Yes." "America, a land of beauty, a land of freedom a land of opportunity?" "Yes, it's a wonderful country." "So you came to get rich, didn't you?" "No." " Just answer the question." "I did." " Aha." "So you admit you came here to get rich." "N- no." " Which is it, yes or no?" "I object!" "That's badgering an immigrant." "You can't object." "Who is this person?" " That's Cousin Larry." "Cousin Larry, sit down." "I submit to the court that this Balki Bartokomous..." "Is that a Russian name?" "No, it's Myposian." " I'll bet." "I submit that Mr. Bartokomous came to this country with good intentions but when he discovered that Americans, in fact, work for a living he decided to take an easier route." "And that's when he attempted to recruit my client to join him in his heinous plan, illegal gambling." "Objection!" "Balki is being abused by this ambulance chaser." "Your Honor." "Young man, you are in contempt." " Well, I don't care." "Well, now, if you keep this up, I'll have to put you in jail." "Okay." "Your Honor, the defense moves that the charges in this case be dismissed." "Mr. O'Day, unless there are any other witnesses to substantiate Mr. Bartokomous' testimony I am afraid I am going to have to dismiss the charges." "How can you do that?" "He's a bad man and you have to take him away because the good people have to be safe." "How can this happen in America?" "It happens." "Well, I have no choice but to release the defendant." "Now, wait a minute." "That's it?" "You're gonna just let him go?" "Your Honor, guys like Vince are allowed to walk the streets because people like me are afraid to testify against him." "While this man, who's not even an American yet is up there risking his life to do what's right." "Well, I'm ashamed of myself." "Cousin Larry is this rambling taking us anyplace?" "Yes, it is." "I can back up everything this man said." "I wanna testify." "You're making a big mistake." " My life is full of big mistakes." "You can threaten us all you want, but we're still gonna testify." "And if there's any justice in this world, we're gonna put you away." "We're gonna send you up the river without a poodle." "We're gonna have to get that fixed." " Right." "Balki, I don't believe it." "I saw a side of myself today that I never saw before." "Cousin, I saw that side too." "It wasn't pretty." "Do you mind?" "I'm trying to resurrect a modicum of dignity here." "Oh, cousin, you've got modicums you don't even know about." "It just took a while to get past all that fear." "Yeah, well, I'm sorry I almost let you down." "Cousin, you don't have to apologize to me." "When it really counted, you came through." "And I should thank you." "Thank you." "Well, the important thing is because of you Vince is out of business for a long, long time." "I hope his secretaries get work." "You know, buddy, I fell apart a little in court today but deep down inside, I knew things would work out." "When guys threaten you like that you gotta show them who's boss." "You gotta show them they can't make you run and hide." "Huh?" "Huh?" "Ha-ha." "Hello?" "Just..." "Just a minute." "Cousin, it's someone who wants to confirm two plane reservations to Buenos Aires." "I'll take that." "This is Jose Basquez." "No, no, I won't be needing those tickets." "Vaya con Dios to you too." "You gotta show them on which side of the fence you're gonna stand." "You gotta show them they can't push you around." "You gotta take a stand." "You're not buying this are you?" " No way, Jose."