"That's my sister Elaine when she was 6 years old." " Oh." "Cousin, is that you?" "Yeah." "Why you don't have any hair?" "Uh, well, Elaine was in a first-grade production of Samson and Delilah." "And she'd rehearse with me when I was asleep." "Oh." "Why is your arm in a cast?" "Oh, well, we had this great big oak tree out in our backyard." "And there were nine of us kids." "We were all 12 before we climbed it." "Except Elaine." "She climbed it when she was 8." "My parents left me to babysit Elaine, as usual." "I was trying to do some extra credit work for algebra." "And when I hear, "Help me, help me," it's Elaine stuck in the top of the tree." "She got to the top all by herself, the little dickens." "Of course, I had to help her down." "Of course, I fell out of the tree." "Broke my arm." " Mm." "Never did get the extra credit." "Who is this nice man with the mustache?" "Oh, that's Mrs. Barr, our piano teacher." "You took piano lessons?" " Oh, we all did." "Elaine was the only one who stuck with it." "Now little Elaine is all grown up and about to start college." "I am so proud of her." "It's her, it's her." " Yeah." "Oh, Noogie." "Elaine, hi." "Oh, and you must be Balki." " Yes, yes." "Cousin Elaine, I'm so happy to meet you." "Oh, you too." "I have heard so much about you." "Oh, Noogie, this is a great place." "Thanks." "You're the first member of the family to see it." "And what am I, mashed potatoes?" "Okay, the second." "The first member of the immediate family." "Well, I'm honored, Noogie." "Question." "Uh-huh." "Why do you call him Noogie?" "Well..." " No, Elaine." "Elaine, no, no." " Yes, yes." "No, no, no." " Noogie." "No, no, don't do that." "That's a noogie, Balki." " Oh, I see." "Oh, you had to ask." "So, Balki, I wanna hear all about what you think of America." "Have you tried sushi yet?" "No, not yet." "I don't even have a racket." "Oh, that's so cute." "Is he always this adorable?" "Yeah, always." "Elaine, I'm so glad you got a chance to visit before you start school." "Well, that's what I'd like to talk about." "Oh, hey, I understand." "First year of college is always the toughest." "You have to remember that everybody is in the same boat." "No, Noogie, I'm not really that worried about college." "Well, that's the spirit." "Is she something, or what?" " Oh." "Larry, before you pop open the champagne, I think I ought to tell you um, I've decided to go to New York." "New York, the Big Tomato." "The Big Apple." "You're going to New York before school?" "Uh, no, instead of school." "You're not going to college?" "You see, I sent a tape of my last piano recital to a teacher in New York." "And he invited me to come study with him." "So I figured college could wait." "College could wait?" "Elaine, plans have been made." "This is gonna throw off your whole life's schedule." "Noogie, I'm not like you, see?" "My life's not on a schedule." "It's..." "Right now, I just have to see if I can make it as a professional musician." "Well, we wish you all the best." "No, no, we don't." "I know you're a swell piano player, but New York?" "I mean, really, that's the craziest idea you've ever had." "Wow." "I really thought you'd be on my side." "You sound just like Mom and Dad." "If you mean Mom and Dad don't think you should go to New York, I agree with them." "But I don't, see, and it's my life." "Well, that's a good point, a very good point." "Um, it's been a really long drive." "I'd like to go wash up." "Cousin, our bathroom, it's on the left." "It's very modern." "Uh-huh." "It's indoors." "Oh, I really blew that." "She won't listen to me now." "She'd rather take advice from a total stranger." "Why are you looking at me like that?" "Balki?" " What?" "You have to help me save Elaine." "How I can do that?" "I want you to take her out to dinner, listen to her for a while then tell her she shouldn't go to New York." "Oh, I..." "You're the family's last hope." "We're depending on you." "You can't let us down." "Is this what they call a guilt trip?" " Yes, it is." "Well, you're good at it." " Oh, yes, I am." "Cousin, we're home." "Okay, now, you stand right there, and I'll go get Cousin La..." "No, wait, I changed my mind." "I can't do it, I can't talk to him." "But, cousin, you have to." "You have to tell him your dream of becoming a musician just like you told me." "Now, you convinced me that you should go to New York and you can convince him." "I know, but see, I tried this afternoon, and he didn't listen." "Balki, you tell him." "Please?" "Oh, please, please?" " No, no, no." "Please, Balki?" "Please, you tell him." "Please, Balki." "Please, please." " Please, please." "Don't send me on another guilt trip." "Oh, hello, we're back." "Did we have a good time?" "Well, we..." "Well, you weren't there, but we had a good time." "Well, you guys must have had a lot of time to talk." "Yeah, we did." "Uh, I really needed to hear what you had to say." "You really made a lot of sense." "Great guy." "Well, what did you talk about?" "Well, uh, Balki's gonna tell you about that now because I'm just so tired." "Good night, guys." "Good night." "You made a lot of sense?" " Well, I should say so." "Worked everything out?" " Well, I guess." "You got her to go to college?" " Well, we've got to talk about that." "How did you do it?" "What did you say to her?" "Well, I just started off by letting her tell me all her reasons for going to New York." "Good, very good." "You just let her talk." "Just let her talk." "Genius." "Genius." " Oh." "Oh." "I mean it." "I mean it, yeah." "Well, then what did you say?" "Oh, what did I say?" " What did you say to her?" "It must have been brilliant." " Well, I know she thought so." "Uh..." "What did I say?" "Uh, what were my exact words?" "I..." "I think I said, "You know, you seem like you know what you're doing and you should follow your dream and go to New York."" "Then what?" "And then I said, "Check, please."" "Balki?" "Balki?" "Balki?" "Elaine?" "This is my fault." "You wanna put out a fire, you don't send a pyromaniac." "More coffee?" "Funny, he never asks for a second cup of my coffee." "I think he's still pouting." "Yeah, he's one of the best." "Come on, Noogie, you're acting childish." "Childish?" " Yeah." "I'm acting childish?" "No." "I think if I were to run off to the Yukon to pan for gold that would be childish." "Or if I were to sail off to the Caribbean in search of sunken treasure that would be childish." "Oh." "Or if I were to drop all my responsibilities and run off to, say, oh, New York to become a musician that would be childish." "Oh." "Or if you were to go to the opera dressed in nothing but Spider-Man underwear now, that would be childish." "Now you do one." "I'm going for a walk." "See what I mean?" "He doesn't understand." "You're upset, huh?" "Oh, me, upset?" "Don't be silly." "Why should I be upset just because my best friend stabbed me in the back?" "Just because he undermined everything I was trying to do to protect a child from Helltown?" "No, cousin, she have, uh, decided she want to go to New York to study with a famous teacher of piano." "She wants to be a concert pianist." "Her dream is to play with Phil's Harmonica." "I can't talk about this anymore." "This conversation is over." "But, cousin, you and your sister must talk." "No, we mustn't." " Yes, you must." "No." "I'm not going to." " Listen." "Just one thing." " No." "Balki, I don't..." "No, no, no." "Absolutely not." " Your sister has good reasons." "Stop it." "Ow." "Ooh." "Aah." "All right, have it your way." " Thank you." "No, Balki." " Now, listen up." "Your sister has good reasons for wanting to go to New York." "Just because I can hear you doesn't mean I'm listening." "If you're not going to talk to her, at least you're not going to ruin her last night here." "Balki, let me go." " Not a chance." "All right, all right, what do you want me to do?" "I want you to take us to dinner tonight." " No." "Ooh." "Aah!" "All right." "All right, all right, 8:00." "And I want you to be nice to your sister, eh?" "Ooh." "All right, I'll be nice to my sister." "Now, put me down." "Now, cousin you're going to have fun." " I didn't agree to have fun." "Oh, that's it." " All right, I'll have fun, I'll have fun." "Good." " Fine." "Hey, thanks a lot for taking us out to dinner." "Well, you're welcome." "Uh, this isn't exactly what I had in mind." "Balki, there's a large scary man coming our way." "Balki." " Leroy, my man." "It's real good to see you, man." " Oh, get out." "Elaine." " How are you doing, Leroy?" "I want you to meet my brother Larry." "Noogie." "How you doing?" "Uh, how do you do, Mr. Leroy?" "Ow." "Balki, I got the best table in the house for you tonight." "Oh, thank you." " Follow me." "Enjoy." " Thank you." "The first round is on me, okay, babe?" "BALKl:" "Thank you." " Talk to you later." "So you two came here last night?" "You would think they'd have a no-smoking section." "Chill out, bro, this place is bad." "Well, really, it was my idea." "See, I read about it in Rolling Stone." "They have great jazz." "Oh, great." "Well, who needs to go to New York?" "You can throw your life away right here." "Cousin, we came here so you could be nice to your sister, remember?" "All right." "Elaine, I'm sorry." "I'm trying to be nice." "I start to say nice things but these nasty things keep coming out of my mouth." "I just don't want you to go to New York and mess up your life." "Oh, I get it." "You don't think that I can make it as a classical pianist, do you?" "Elaine, face reality." "You may be the best little piano player in Madison but in New York, they'll chew you up and spit you out." "But, cousin, if she can make it there, she'll make it anywhere." "It's up to you..." " Balki, Balki, please." "How do you know I can't make it if you haven't even heard me play?" "Well, I've heard you play." "You know, the last time you heard me play, it was Mrs. Barr's class recital when I was in the eighth grade." "Well, it can't have been that long ago." " It was." "Listen, I have a wonderful idea." "There's a piano." "Why don't you play?" "And then we don't have to argue about whether you hear her or not." "Come." "Yeah, yeah." " No, Elaine." "Balki." "Elaine, Elaine." "Elaine, I am ordering you to stop right now." "Hey, man, the lady wants to play, let her play." "Yes, yes, by all means, I think that would be delightful." "Come on, cousin, this is gonna be fun." "Shh." "I still can't believe it." "You had those people in the palm of your hand." "It was so nice of Leroy to offer you a job playing piano." "Lf, uh, Phil's Harmonica is anything like Leroy's, you've got it made." "So, what do you think?" "Should I go to New York?" "Well, what I think isn't important." "You're gonna go, so you'll go." "Good luck." "Thank you." "I have to get an early start in the morning, so I guess I'll just turn in." "You don't wanna get sleepy on the road." "No." "Good night, guys." "BALKl:" "Good night." "That's all you're going to say to your sister?" "Good luck?" "Don't get sleepy on the road?" "Can you afford it?" "She doesn't care what I think." "Oh, ay, ay, ay." "Good luck, don't get sleepy?" "Don't be ridiculous." "Now, what is that supposed to mean?" "Why do you think Elaine come to visit us?" "She didn't have to do that." "She could have gone right on to the Big Pineapple." "So why do you think she come here?" "Because you are the most important person in her life." "She need you to believe in her." "I believe in her." "It's just I worry about her." "Suppose she goes off chasing this dream of hers and it doesn't come true?" "She'll be shattered." "But you are chasing your dream to be a photographer." "And I am chasing my dream to be an American." "What the difference is?" "The difference is she's my baby sister." "But you have to let people chase their dreams." "Isn't it better to try and fail than not even to try at all?" "Okay, okay, you're right." "She's not a little girl anymore." "Boy, you leave home for a while and they grow up on you." "You do believe in her?" " Yes." "You do love her?" " Yes." "Why you don't tell her?" "Well, she's already gone to bed." "And she's gotta get an early start tomorrow morning." "Balki?" "Balki?" "Balki." "Cousin Elaine?" "Cousin Larry has something to tell you." "Oh, now, why did you do that?" "Because you're afraid to." " No, I'm not." "Ugh." "Well, sorry, I hope we didn't wake you." "Oh, uh, no, I was just packing." "Well, if you need any help, you let me know." "I'll tell you who needs some help." "You do." "And you do." "You have something you want to say to her, and you ask me to do it." "You have something you want to say to him, and you ask me to do it." "Shame on you." "If you have something here, and you're stingy with it, with each other who are you saving it for?" "Now, you stand right there until you say what you feel." "So you're packing, huh?" "Yeah, packing." "Be sure to put the big stuff on the bottom." "I did." "You remember that oak tree thing?" "Yeah." "Well, if I had known that I was gonna break my arm before I climbed up to get you I would have done it anyway." "Really?" "Yeah." "Well, um you know, the only reason I climbed that tree was so you'd see what a good climber I was." "That's why I did all that silly stuff." "I just..." "I just wanted you to notice me." "Well, I noticed you." "In fact, I kind of admired you for having the guts to take chances." "Boy, you would do anything." "You know, I always wanted to climb that oak tree but I never got up the nerve until you got stuck up there." "That was the first time you ever climbed the tree?" "Yeah, but, uh, don't tell the other kids, okay?" "Especially Billy, because you know he makes a big deal out of everything." "I won't." "Well, look, you're gonna do just fine in New York." "And I'm sorry I gave you such a rough time." "It's just that I worry about you because you were always my favorite." "I was?" "You still are." "I love you, Noogie." "I love you too, honey." "I love both of you."