"Yes, blood - this gangsta's a bad mo'fizzIe in the Home County sizzle." "This brother gonna break in your stoosh, rob your crib clean out." "The bad-ass vibes gonna shake this crib awake!" "Make no mistake." "Aya Nappa." "Move another inch and you are squirrel fodder." "18K from protection - sorry, insurance payments." "Parking tickets and speed cameras, 8).5K." "Botox parties, 43K." "Kruggerands, 1 10K." "well?" "We're still almost 40 grand short." "Give or take the price of a Fendi handbag." " Any suggestions?" " Hit the Securicor van by the garden centre." "That's two grand, plus a free FIymo." "That's...great. (chuckles)" " Kidnap BeIinda Richmond?" " She's got chronic flatulence." " girls, girls, girls, please." "I've got a splitting 40 grand headache which needs urgent attention." "What we need are some fresh ideas." "Amir Lassoo, hardcore international drug dealer?" "I wish I couId help but I can honestly say I have absolutely no idea what a man who served a five-year stretch for supplying animal steroids to the Russian ballet would be doing here." "The crime rate is lower than Toytown." "It's the safest place I've ever been to." "What were you saying, Joyce?" "Something about feeling that you'd fulfilled your obligation to me and now you want out." "Hm." "I'm afraid that just isn't possible." "It's just paint, Joyce." "Don't look so disturbed." "Next time, however..." "You see, right now's not a good time for me." "I've run into a little snag on the money side of things." " Oh, dear." " "Oh, dear" won't quite cover it, I'm afraid." "But £40,000 just might." " I don't understand." " I am so sorry." "You need to get me £40,000 by tomorrow." " In cash." " Or we'II use the real thing." " I've got a problem." " Come in and tell me all about it." "actually, you've arrived at rather an exciting time." "The girls and I are about to demonstrate what happens when traditional little Stempington values are challenged." " Hi, Joyce!" " hello, Joyce." " Who's that?" " well, it's hard to understand what he says but we think he's with some sort of travelling group." "Are...you...fairground...people?" " You have to remove the tape, Margaret." " Sorry." "please, mon." "I is safe." "Not only was he defacing my telegraph pole, he was also promoting some concert." ""Def meltdown Mix, DJ Gimpsta." "Text 561 1 for more info." I mean..." " Damn thing's all in code!" " You can't keep him tied up!" "Steady on - these bastards don't pay taxes." "Or wash." "Pam's right." "You've got to hit 'em hard before they enter town." "(Patronising tone) Right." "Are you ready to spill the beans on when exactly the rest of your grubby tribe arrive?" " Oh, believe dat." " That's a yes?" "Mos def." "O'fo shizzIe, the nizzIe got a whole bizzIe." "Is he speaking Romany?" " I don't know." "That's too small, Pam." "Try a medium-sized chopping knife." " Pam!" "No!" " It's OK, we put a polythene sheet down there won't be any mess." "unless that tongue starts speaking english...it's coming out." "(Home Counties accent) OK, just please put the knife down!" "It's MC Ru's gig." " In english." " Rupert Dunstan-FethergiII." "He's the main man." "He organises hardcore underground urban dance events." " I do the flyers and set up the decks." " That's better." " When's he coming here?" " Tonight." "But he won't listen." "No one messes with Rupert." "He's a nutter." "At boarding school he shaved the younger boys and made them fight for food." "Damn!" "I've got supper with camilla and Stuart tonight." "It's Ray's birthday." "Joyce, fancy riding shotgun with the girls?" " I don't, really." " Come on, it'II be fun!" "Scaring the poor punk rockers away?" ""Poor"?" "We just made 40 grand off two weekends in Cheshire." " How much?" " 40 grand." "He carries the money with him!" "OK." "I'm in." " Good, that's settled." "Now, Joyce, what did you want to talk to me about?" "Nothing, it's fine." "Oh, bill, isn't this exciting?" "CouIdn't we have just met in the park?" "The whole world's against us." "only God knows the purity of our love." "Anyway, this church stuff really turns me on." "It's a Iong time since I've had a romantic meeting in church." " This isn't your first?" " My first girlfriend and I" " were in bible club together." " Sounds like a bunny boiler." "I suppose the demented tart will stalk you next term." "No." "We lost touch with each other after our tenth birthday." " We're like Romeo and juliet." " You really think so?" "Star-crossed lovers whose families frowned on their relationship." "But they still banged each others brains out." " I don't remember that scene." " Meet me outside my bedroom window, 1 1 pm, and leave your bible at home." " Wait..." "But..." " Don't be late, Romeo." "We've got a Iot of sinning to do." "I think we should get to know each other better before we have sex." "You make sure this MC Rupert chappie is driving his truck along the B3421 at precisely ):30pm." "We'II set up a traffic light and hit the vehicle near the badger crossing." " well, what if he won't stop?" " If he doesn't stop for wildlife" " it's only right to kneecap him." " please, can I drive, Barbara?" "Very well, Margaret, but remember the speed camera near dovetail Knock." "Breathe a word and I'II hack your knackers off with a trowel." "And in the past year you say you've filed only three reports?" "Two house alarms, both electrical faults, and one conspiracy to trespass." " Oh?" " Guy who does the supermarket trollies pressed charges against a disabled lady for parking in a private space." "I advised him to drop it but he insisted." "incredible, Haines, incredible." " hello, Joyce." " LiIIian!" " How did you...?" " It was unlocked." "You should be careful." " bill's here." " I cased the house before I came in." "I...thought you might like this." "An apology for having to kill your husband tomorrow." " You'II get your 40,000." " I couId help." "We could take the sub-post office." "actually, lillian, I've got something else lined up." "Stop it, Joyce... you're spoiling me." "It's not that there isn't any car crime or no graffiti, there isn't any crime at all." "surely that's good?" "You came here for a less stressful life, now you sound disappointed that there isn't a master criminal in sight." " That's not entirely true." " Oh?" "I got a call from the Yard, saying an international drug dealer was in the village." " cool." " No, it isn't cool." " What's he doing here?" " That's what they asked me to investigate." "Sounds like proper police work." "probably nothing, but you never know." " More broccoli, anyone?" " Mm." "I don't think this is gonna work, Barb." "It's the Iast time I put any knitting work through that old people's home." "You're gonna have to sort out the holes on yours, Marge." " What about Joyce?" " She can wear a stocking." "Sorry, gotta go." "What are you giving Ray for his birthday, Barb?" ""clause 4.2, if you faiI to pay the minimum amount required under condition six" ""during the introductory promotion period we may charge interest" ""instead of the rate applicable during that introductory..."" "It's no good." "God, Barb, you get better every year." "Practice makes perfect, darling." "Happy birthday." "Here's to a fantastic night." "A fantastic night." "Sorry I'm late." "Had to express a couple of bottles for baby Josh in case this music man takes some scaring off." " feels quite squidgy." "Stuart chose it." "Ahh." "Look at th..." "Thanks, mate." " Another one for the collection." " Ohh." "Stuart thought the pink was a bit racy but I said it was right up your street." "Oh, that's...fabulous, really." "You're a bit overdressed for a book club meeting." " It can get quite physical." " You can get physical with me..." " There's Pam now." "well, have a smashing evening, darling." "I Iove you, Jeremy." "Never forget that." "And then he said to me, "You can't underwrite a category two life policy" ""for someone who's already seIf-empIoyed"!" "Oh, you're one of the crazy ones, Ray!" "You really are." "How are your business endeavours doing, MiIIie?" "Doing make-up parties?" " Pin money really, Ray." " She's being completely modest, as usual." " I heard the Iast one was rammed." " Barb was there, getting her lips done." "Pity that problem with the drains caused a few desertions." "You two should coIIude on a business idea - sort out me and Ray on our retirement." "I keep on asking her, don't I?" "Hitting a truck on the open road is always risky but Barbara wants this to be as Iow-key as possible, so no fuck-ups." " This is really rather dangerous, isn't it?" " Yes." "So watch your trigger finger." "Right, we roll in 15 minutes." " Joyce, you OK?" " Fine, Pam." "absolutely fine." "I can't believe they're still lapping up this shit." "They'd dance to a fucking police siren." "Suckers of little Stempington, here I come!" "(Laughs)" "You all right, Dre?" "You seem a bit quiet." "Yeah, blood." "cool, mate." " cool." " cool." "I see they're building a gated development by the canal." "It's a waste of time, all that added security." " Why do you say that?" " (Laughs)" "little Stempington's a crime-free zone." " Oh, God." "OK, there they are." "Big up to the Stempington massive, you tossers!" "(Laughs)" "So you'd recommend buying Zirconium, not giIts?" "Yeah, my father says the Chinese will facilitate global demand." "And good hedge fund managers know what they're talking about." "Fuck me, it's the animal Liberation Front!" "Now, Margaret, now!" "Out of the truck!" "Yes, immediately, or...!" "..or I'II execute every motherfucking one of you!" "I said get out!" "Move it!" "Where's the money?" " I only carry plastic." " What are you doing, Joyce?" " tell me where it is or I'II take these." "Oh!" "Biscuit tin under the dashboard!" "Have you gone mad, Joyce?" "Barbara only told us to scare them away." "That's exactly what I'm doing." "OK, listen!" "We hear so much as a sound of a disco rave within the parish boundary and you and your kinsfolk will be executed." "Do I make myself clear?" "Oh, fantastic!" "Thanks, Barb." " Oh, look, there's another one!" " You!" "You shouldn't have!" "I thought I might surprise you." "especially tonight when you weren't expecting it." "There's at Ieast £40,000 here." "43 and a half, to be precise." " And no biscuits." " You shouldn't have done it, Joyce." "It brings us down to camilla's level." "My my, what have we here?" "cinderella and her two pig-ugIy sisters." "claws in the air." "Do it, slowly." " Fuck you." " Just do it!" "Better do what the bitch says." "Come along then, Joyce, look lively." "I'm really sorry, I didn't want this - they were going to kill Jeremy, I just had no option." "How could you?" "You dirty turncoat." "I never thought you'd cross over to the dark side." " They were going to kill Jeremy!" " (LiIIian) Car's there, Joyce." "lovely outfit, Pam." "Bit tight about the arse, I'II bet." "One day soon I'm gonna wipe that smug blow job smile clean off your face, hilary Davenport." "Better hit the Stairmaster first." " Yummy!" " (Phone)" "Sorry." "Ah, just got to take this." "AII right." "Not bad news, I hope, Barbara?" "What have you become, Joyce HazeIdine?" "What have you become?" "I did catch a teenager here once, late at night." "Thought he was pissed." "But he was just scraping chewing gum off the pavement." "You all right, sir?" "Sorry, Haines, just, er, thinking about my wife." "Acting a bit strange." "Phoned to ask if we could take out a second mortgage." "Maybe she wants to buy some new clothes, sir." "Very expensive, women's outfits." "particularly shoes." "True." "But they don't cost £40,000, do they?" "You'd be surprised, sir." "You'd be very surprised." "still waiting, Romeo." "I can't seem to get a grip." "I thought you had biceps?" " Can't I just come through the front door?" " Forget it." "The moment's gone." "I've got an idea." "Why don't I come down to you?" "Meet me in the pony trap in the back garden." "I'II bring some pillows." "It's quite chilly out here." "would you Iike me to warm you up?" "Can we just go in the kitchen?" "You're like a giant hot water bottle." "really?" "But I want it hotter." "Oh!" "Ow!" "What's that?" " You didn't tell me we were eloping tonight." " What?" "It's not mine."