"So, dad... no, I can't do it tonight..." "Oh, god." "Dad, will you get off the phone, please?" "No... one second." "No, no, I gotta..." "No, promise me that..." "Promise you won't try to do it by yourself..." "Hey, dad, dad..." "Hold on one second, dad." "Get off the phone." "Get off your high horse, young man." "No, you get off the phone." "Hold on a second, dad, Ben's on his high horse." "I'm afraid he's gonna hurt himself." "You just have to get off the phone, because I gotta make a quick call." "Okay, Ben needs to use the phone." "Okay, bye, bye-bye." "Ben, when I'm on the phone..." "Hello, am I the..." "Grandpa, hang up the phone." "No, you're all done." "Okay, okay, bye, grandpa." "God." "Just basic manners, Ben, are so..." "Yeah, yeah, you, too." "Hello, yeah?" "Who are you calling that's so important?" "Am I the tenth?" "Who are you talking to, Ben?" "Really?" "That's great!" " Yeah!" " What's going on?" "W-F-E-N, it's fen!" "Is that on the air?" "Crazy Jake in the morning, of course." "Okay, I'll hold for the information." "I didn't win." "What didn't you win?" "A contest." "So to congratulate you would be inappropriate then, right?" "No." "Well, congratulations, Ben." "Thank you very much." "You've not won again." "It's the 23rd time this week." "What exactly is the contest?" "What were you calling in for?" "I was listening to W-F-E-N, which is fen!" "So if I called, and I was the tenth caller," "I win a free helicopter ride on the traffic copter." "But the thing is, I was the runner-up, and should anything happen to the winner," "I would be the guy, I'd be the winner." "Remember when we were watching the Miss America contest a couple weeks ago?" "Yes, yeah." "And remember what you said when they showed the first runner-up?" "Big loser." "What's your favorite radio station, dad?" "W-F-E-N, fen!" "I think..." "I don't even know what that means." "You need a new role model." "Besides this Crazy Jake guy." "No, dad, he's the one." "You know why you like these guys so much?" "Because come 10 A.M., their day is done." "That's why you admire them so much." "Good morning, Laura." "Dr. Katz, what are you doing here?" "I work here." "But I thought you were already here." "What?" "I already sent a patient into your office about 15 minutes ago." "See, that's why, Laura, you should always buzz me before you send patients in." "No, that's why you should always get here before I do." "You know what makes me nauseous, doc?" "What's that?" "The word "eggs" in the morning." "I mean, I can eat 'em, but I used to remember my mother would come at me like just big, like a fish-lens camera..." ""Hey, Dom, you want some eggs?"" "My mother used to drive us nuts with food when we were kids." ""Don't eat the mayonnaise if it's been out in the sun." "Salmonella, salmo, salmo..."" "I didn't even know what Salmonella was." "'Til I was 12 years old," "I thought Salmonella was some guy who used to go around and dip his butt in chicken salad." "That's the kind of stuff that stays with you." "You know what I mean, doc?" "I'm in an airport in Atlanta... true story..." "I say, "Can I get a chicken sandwich?"" "The lady says, "Do you want mayonnaise?"" "I said, "I hate mayonnaise."" "She says, "You want it on the side?"" "I said, "Why would I want it on the side if I hate it?"" ""To remind me how much I hate it?" "How glad I am I don't have to have it?"" "Then she says, "You want potato salad or coleslaw?"" "I said, "Are you not listening to me?" "Don't they both come in a mayonnaise, curdy-soup gel?"" "I'm still trying to be nice to her." "Do you know what I mean, doc?" "I'm trying, I'm trying." "I see her name on her lapel." "I say, "Give me a small coke, please, Edna."" "She said, "We don't have small." "We just have medium and large."" "I says, "The smaller one."" "She says, "We have medium and large."" "I said, "Look, you see the big one?" "Not that one."" "Now, do you ever think that maybe performing is not what you're ultimately gonna end up doing?" "Well, look at me." "First of all, I'm an actor." " Yeah." " I can act." "Listen to this." ""Why don't you come over here, Sonny, and..."" "That's good, don't you think?" "Or look at this." ""I fear it is true, madam." "I have many sources of information." "I will do all in my power to aid you."" "You see, I can act." "That's fine, that's good acting." "I can dance." "♫ Dr. Katz think I'm falling hard for Dr. Katz ♫" "♫ Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha ♫" "Doc, does it bother you when I touch your face like this?" " A little bit." " Is that inappropriate?" "Is it inappropriate for me to hold my hand there for the rest of therapy?" "Nope, it's not appropriate at all." "Do you feel awkward?" "Try and get me off, try and get me off." "Please don't do that." "You know what, doc?" "Is there any chance you brushed in the last, say, 30, 40 days?" "Because all I'm gonna say to you is every time you open your mouth, it reminds me I haven't been to the elephant house in the zoo for awhile." "And I don't mean that in a bad way." "A friend of mine who went to clown college, right, flunked out." "How sad is that?" "Do you know what it's like when you flunk out?" "All the other clowns taunting you with their horns." "So sad." "Sad face of a clown." "How do you tell your parents that?" "You can probably go:" "Are you, uh, are you supposed to go now?" "Are you a patient?" "I'm actually not here to see the doctor." "Well, I mean, I'm here to see the doctor, but I'm not a patient." "I'm his son." "It doesn't really get out who's been here, does it?" "Is there kind of a buzz about who's been here?" "Who's "Ben" here?" " Yeah." " Like me?" "No, I'm..." "I'm Ben." "Yeah." " Oh, you mean "been."" " Yeah." " Who's been here." " Who's been here." "You pronounce it "Ben."" "It's "been."" "Who's been here." "Where are you from, Europe?" "You think he's gonna ask me about sex?" "'Cause that's..." "I'd kinda like to just bow out if sex is gonna come into this, y'know?" "Yeah, that's a tough issue." "It'd be good if it was like when you order ice cream." "You can say, "I want it"," ""Y'know, a swirl with vanilla and chocolate, but no sprinkles."" "Like, you have control." "I would like it if I could say," ""Yeah, I would like therapy." "I would like it if the issue of sex never came into it."" "You know what I mean?" "Do you think that's possible, that I could ask for that?" "Well, I'll tell you this, I love ice cream." "What the hell was that?" "I don't know, you mentioned it." "Yeah, okay." "I feel like you're not even listening to me." "I hope your dad is a little better at this than you..." "Not at all." "It's strange 'cause people don't know that I'm very tall." "I sit down for a living, I sit behind a desk." "I actually..." "The chair has been lowered." "So that I'm less threatening to the guests." "And that bothers me, because, I think, on TV," "I come across as a very small person, pasty white, kind of insignificant." "That comes through." "Yeah, but people don't know that in real life," "I'm pretty virile..." "And overbearing." "Yeah, well, I'm glad you see it." "I have a disproportionate body." "I have the legs of someone who's about 7'2" tall, and I have the torso of an 8-year-old boy." "So that's always been kind of a problem." "When I take my clothes off, a lot of times, women..." "They just spend a long time looking at me, and saying, "Are you okay?" "Is there someone we should call?"" "I say, "No, this is how I look." "This is just, y'know, I have really long legs."" "And after awhile, they call me a cab." "Have you heard the news?" "You must have, huh?" "My dad told you about it." "Naturally, I'm sure he..." "Was the first thing that came out of his fat mouth." "You're moving away?" "No, no, I'm gonna be riding in a helicopter Saturday." "A chopper, a whirligig, a super chopper, a chopper-dopper." "I'm doing the traffic report for the W-F-E-N traffic." "I won a contest." "I sort of won, but I didn't quite win." "I was almost there." "It was like right before the winning." "You know that level right underneath win?" "Lose?" "No, it's not quite lose." "It's that level right above lose and right under win." "The other lose." "But, no, I was runner-up, and if the guy who won." "Can't be there for some reason, like he explodes in a bloody mess all over his house..." "Little Benny, big chopper." "Hey, that's a good name for a TV series." "And are you close to your family now?" "Well, I speak to them, mostly through lawyers, which I prefer, because then everything's on paper." " Do you see what I'm saying?" " Sure." "It's just a system that works, and I can access those files." "As adults, now do you get along?" "Well, we have a hard time being honest about how we feel with each other, so we use a lot of sarcasm in my family." "Maybe sometimes, you know," "I'll say to my sister on her birthday or something," ""Hey, happy birthday." "I really love you."" "Which seems to work pretty fine." "I'm under a lot of pressure." "And if I seem tense, I want to apologize." "Well, how do you relax, how do you unwind?" "It's hard, 'cause there are limitations." "There are a lot of things I can't do." "For example, I can't go to the beach." "'Cause I'm so pale." "I'm genetically engineered to live in a bog in northern Ireland." "So it's just such a big production to go to the beach." "I have to wear a shirt and long pants, and actually, shoes." "I have to wear big black shoes when I go in the water." "I have to put on a really powerful sunblock." "I have to wear this big, floppy hat that makes me look like Rose Kennedy." "Hey, it worked for her." "It's hard." "I'm not one of those guys that can just take off my shirt and run down the shore like David Hasselhoff, because I'm very skinny and very white, and when I run, it looks like I'm fleeing." "Some kind of incarceration." "I look like someone who was locked up in some kind of a cell, and I broke out, and I'm escaping down the beach." "Ben, why are you doing that?" "I'm at the corner of Washington and Fairbanks, and we have an abandoned vehicle causing major backups on the..." "There goes..." "The bridge just fell, and we have a huge situation here with the bridge going into the river." "Ow, I think I lost a nipple." "When you're ready to have a conversation with me, call me back, okay." "Dad, just play along." "Okay, what's up, Ben, what's going on?" "Here we go again..." "Ready?" "Ow." "People are now out of their cars at the intersection." "It's like a God (bleep) parking lot out here." "There's a (bleep) backup." "Ben!" "You wouldn't even believe this (bleep)." "Traffic is like a big cluster..." "Hey, what do you think of this African outfit" "I have on today, huh?" "Jambalaya!" " I have to, have to..." " Guess who's here?" "You really..." "You put a lot of work into how you come dressed." "Well, first of all, I love the way I dress normally, and I love my hat on backwards and all, and I love my sneakers and my butt." "I also think, "Why not go a little crazy?"" "Why does Halloween have to be the only day you dress up?" "I say dress up everyday but Halloween!" "Am I right?" "I can't hear you!" "Yeah, I wish that you cared as much about therapy as you do about your appearance." "I care about a lot, doc." "I care about you." "What do you say we go get a little grub after this, huh?" "Me and you, Dr. Katz, Dom Irrera... come on." "Come with me!" "It changes everything." "Maybe it makes it better." "Is it so wrong to be a friend, too?" "Once we cross over that line, Dom, that's it." "There's no turning back." "So we don't turn back." "We walk forward, like two men." "Two manly men." "Two men who are so secure in who they are." "That they can sit and watch a movie and cuddle." "What is wrong with that?" " Hey, Laura." " Hi." "I wore my button-up for this." " How do I look?" " Constrained." "Good... that's the look I'm going for." "Can you breathe?" "Not well." "Hey, Laura, is there a roof key?" "Mm-hmm." "So can I get that from you?" "'Cause I've gotta go up to the roof." "I'm not supposed to give the roof key out." "Well, I won't say anything." "I can't do it." "Why don't you come up with me then?" "I can't just go up to the roof." "I'm working." " Look, it will take 15 minutes..." "that's it." " No." " Like, a half-hour." " Uh-uh." "All right, an hour, but that's it." "All right." "Doc, can I ask you something?" "Yeah." "Will you be my..." "My friend?" "I don't think I can be the kind of friend that you want me to be." "Can you, can you imagine how lonely I am, the depths of loneliness, for me to have to ask you to be a friend?" "And I say that with all due respect, doc." "Let's face it." "See, I think that that's an aggressive thing." "For you to do, to ask me..." "No, no, this is an aggressive thing." "Better duck, big boy!" "Whoa... ow!" "Sorry, doc." "Who's ticklish?" "Who's ticklish?" "Come here, come here, come here!" "Don't do that!" "♫ Dr. Katz cha-cha-cha ♫" "♫ I think I'm a... ♫" "Come on, let me spin you once." "Anytime it gets a little too scary for you emotionally, you strike out physically or you tickle me." "Made you look." "I didn't look." "I'll tell you, a bird's-eye view of this world..." "You know, people say it's great." "It's not." "When you get up high like this on the roof, and you look down and you see..." "You really see how little everything is." "Yeah." "Then when you're down in it..." " It seems bigger." " It's all big." "Yeah." "It's the lie that we live." "Laura, take a look over here." "That abandoned vehicle right there." "That's gonna cause a tie-up." "Oh, wait a minute, that's parked." "Those are all parked cars." " See that parking lot over there?" " Yeah." "It's almost full." "I would not go to that mall." "Not today..." "Too many people." "See that bald guy?" "Get a wig." "I've never had you snap at me like that." "That's the first time you ever..." " Well..." " But you know what?" "That makes me feel like you care." "Well, just like with the..." "No, stop, please." "Please, stop." " Dom..." " What?" "Y'know, just like a child needs limits..." "Limits?" "Hey, guess who's ticklish?" "Guess who's ticklish?" "Come here, come here, you, come here!" "Stop!" "Hey, who's got your nose?" "Don't, don't, don't..." "I hate that, I hate that!" "Look, look, look, look!" "Okay, it's you..." "You have it!" "All right, here it is, here it is." "♫ Dr. Katz cha-cha-cha I think I'm fall... ♫" "Come on, just go with me." "♫ I think I'm falling hard for Dr. Katz ♫" "Now dip a little." "Perfect, thank you." "That's all I needed..." "Thank you." "Now can we get back to the business at hand?" "Yes, we can." "I'm sorry." "Because if you're gonna pull this stunt every time you come in here..." "It's not a stunt, per se." "Hey, what do you think of my Latin?" "I feel like with you, I take two steps forward..." "And don't interpret this as an invitation to dance." "♫ Cha-cha-cha come here!" "♫" "♫ Ra-ta-ta-ta Dr. Katz ♫" "♫ Cha-cha ♫" "Hello?" "No, no, this is his father." "Can I tell him..." "Oh, yeah, sure, hold on one second he's been expecting your call." "Hold on one second." " Ben, it's..." " Who is it?" "It's the traffic guy, Jerry Braggins." "Jerry Baggins." "Is it Jerry Braggins or Jerry Baggins?" "It's Jerry Baggins." " Jerry Baggins." " Yes." "Why are you talking like this?" "That's how I get excited." ""This is Jerry Baggins."" "I've never seen you this excited." "He's the traffic guy!" "All right, just give me the phone, all right?" "Hi, Jerry, how ya doing?" "I heard you yesterday." "I loved the show, that was great." "Boy, three jams in one day." "That's payday, my friend, in this business." "Yeah, I mean, that was..." "Not even some of the major freeways were held up, even some of the side roads." "That's exciting." "I know you don't have time to talk, I just..." "Oh, right, uh-huh." "Okay, that's great." "Give me a call sometime when you're... hello, Jerry?" "What's going on, Ben, what happened?" "The guy, Michael, is doing fine." "So I'm out, I'm not going up." "I'm gonna have to return that helmet I bought." "I'm sorry." "Really, you know, you really did your homework." "You know what, to be quite honest with you, it's a big, steaming load." "Remember when I said to you there are no losers in this contest?" "Yeah." "Thanks, dad." "Laura, can you tell Conan to come in now?" "I'm sorry, we'll have to pick this conversation up a little later." "I just feel..." "I mean, I'm not someone who likes to be naked." "It's just... it's the way I grew up." "Well, you've inherited your parents' shame, which they inherit from their parents, and which you will hopefully pass on to your children someday." "I'd like to leave them something." "But the human body, Conan, is really a very beautiful thing." "All people are beautiful in their own way." "See, I don't agree that every..." "I mean, come on, not every human body is beautiful." "I mean, go to the beach some day and look around." "Well, that's different, because the lighting there is superb." "And you can see all the flaws." "I'm talking about in a dark nightclub." "Let me ask you this:" "Do you have any recurring dreams, Conan?" "I dream about the show a lot." "I go out in front of the audience, and the entire audience is comprised of my parents." "And they're saying, "Boo, boo."" ""You're not good enough." "We don't love you enough."" "Well, it's always the same dream." "And it's always your parents?" "There are about 20 duplicate sets of my parents, which means there are empty seats." "Those are filled with various dictators from history." "There's..." "Qaddafi's in there, and Idi Amin." "Hitler has, like, six seats..." "He brought friends." "And is Idi Amin sitting behind your parents?" "He's sitting behind and to the right, and he keeps leaning over." "And whispering something in my dad's ear, and my dad will laugh and say, "Now, that's funny."" "I have this dream a lot." "You want the approval of your parents." "You think that's it?" "Do you think that's what it means?" "No, I'm not talking about the dream," "I'm talking about what you said to me last week." "Oh." "When you said you want the approval of your parents." "Well, I would like to know..." "I've been in therapy now for... what's today?" "Today is Tuesday." "That will make it 21 years." "Okay, and I really would like to know:" "When I am gonna get better?" "Well, Dom, that's..." "I mean, I'm still agoraphobic, and I still don't know what it means." "Well, agoraphobia is, uh..." "Yeah, let's come back to that." "You know why I feel great about myself, and I'm never in a panic, never in a rush to go anywhere?" " Why?" " Adult diapers." "Look, can't see nothing." "No, I don't mean to be rude, but as we were talking," "I was relaxing..." "If you know what I mean?" "Ahh!" "Plus, it's deodorized." "Now I'm hungry again." "Dom, you know what the music means." "C'est la vie." "I really feel better, thank you." "Thanks a lot, doc." "Hey, thanks, doc." "Thanks for nothing." "I never paid for nothing before." "It's great." "Let me dish out some more money for this nothing." "I never go into a store." "And go, "Here's some money, I'll take nothing."" "But yet I come here every day and I get no help." "Why do I come back?" "The odds are someday you'll help me." "Just by random."