"Oh, I remember it now!" "Oh, go on." "So, there's this fella and he's buying this face cream... ~ Yeah?" "~ And he says to the woman behind the counter," ""This stuff's marvellous." "I've only been using it a few weeks." ""You'll never guess how old I am."" "And she says "Oh... 36?"" "He says, "No, I'm 47!"" "And she goes, "Oh, that's wonderful, I must try some of that myself."" "Anyway, next off he goes on to the post office and he gets chatting to the fella behind the counter and he says," ""You want to try some of this face cream I've been using." ""You'll never guess how old I am."" "And the fella behind the counter says, "Oh... 35?"" "He says, "No, I'm 47!"" "And the fella behind the counter says," ""Oh, that's wonderful." "I'll have to get some of that myself."" "And he's just leaving post office and he bumps into this little old lady." "Oh, aye." "And he says to her, "I bet you can't guess how old I am."" "And she says, "Well, I probably can, but I'm just going to have to put" ""my hand down the front of your trousers."" "And he's like, "Oh..." "OK."" "So she puts her hand down inside his trousers and has a bit of a... .. rummage around." "And then, after two or three minutes, she says," ""You're 47!"" "And he says, "Good Lord, how do you know?" "How can you tell?"" "And she says, "I was stood behind you in the chemist."" "Hey!" "I never told you." "Our Gillian's got a date." "Has she?" "Who with?" "~ I've kept you waiting. ~ No!" "I'm really sorry." "Let me get you a drink." "No, no, no, no!" "Let me." "Oh, you've already..." "A fella." "Well, that's something in itself." "God, this is really embarrassing." "Is it?" "Why?" "Gary, he's called." "~ Mmmm... ~ Gary Jackson." "I'd forgotten it was Valentine's Day." "Forgotten?" "It's one of those things that goes right over my head." "Where did she met him?" "Oh, he came into the shop once or twice, then he's asked her out." "Not that I didn't want to ask you out." "But it wasn't..." "It shouldn't have been obviously, quite so obvious or full-on as that would seem to suggest." "~ And now I've offended you. ~ No!" "I'm such a..." "No, no, you haven't, Gary." "Honestly." "I just..." "I wanted a chance just to talk to you and now... ~ It's fine. ~ Is it?" "It'd take more than that to offend me." "Really, believe me." "I've been offended by people who really know what they're talking about." "You look really nice." "So do you." "I've booked a table for two." "Half past seven." "Gary Jackson." "Your bonuses are on quantum physics." "Heisenberg's original uncertainty relation concerned which two observable properties of a particle?" "Position and momentum." "Yeah, location and momentum." "Position and momentum is correct, yes." "Quantitatively, the product of the two uncertainties is always greater than or equal to the unreduced Planck's constant," "H, divided by what number?" "Four pi." "Come along." "Let's have it, please." "Four pi." "Quickly." "It's four pi!" "Hello!" "~ Speed of light?" "~ It's four pi." "No shit." "I'm turning this off." "Oh, guess what!" "Gillian's got a date." "Has she?" "Gillian?" "~ This bloke just... ~ What bloke?" ".. came into the shop, apparently, and asked her out." "Oh, that's romantic." "~ Is it?" "~ Isn't it?" "Oh, it's very Gillian." "I can never work out whether you love Gillian to bits, or if you think she's a complete plonker." "Well, it's kind of... both." "I've got something else for you... .. as well as the card and the flowers and the chocolate." "What?" "(OK.)" "You know Christmas?" "Yeah." "I was so happy when, you know..." "And I was thinking, with the baby nearly due and everything..." "Should..." "Shall..." "Why don't we get married?" "Properly... .. married." "Is that a...?" "What is that?" "OK." "I'm going to tell you this thing that happened to me recently." "OK." "~ It's a story. ~ Yeah..." "My mother died." "Oh, God, I'm sorry." "This is six, seven months ago." "August, August 15th." "Er, she was 77." "She'd been ill." "And anyway, I was sorting through the house, going through her things, me and my brother." "And I found a marriage certificate, her and my dad's marriage certificate, in an old biscuit tin under the stairs, which I'd never seen before, not surprisingly because... it turns out they got married not in 1966" "when they'd always told us they'd got married, but in 1967." "Exact same date they'd always celebrated, but one whole year later, which would also mean that when they got married... she was already pregnant, four or five months... with me." "You know, these things happen." "Well, less so then." "No, it's a myth." "Does it matter?" "Yeah." "No, well, no, not in itself." "OK." "So, anyway, I just happened to mention this to my Auntie Jean, my dad's sister." "She's in her eighties, 85, she lives up Siddal." "This was over Christmas." "Anyway, I said it and she went a bit quiet." "And then, eventually, eventually, she said..." ""Well, I suppose if I don't tell you," ""there's no-one left that can."" ""Gordon wasn't your real dad."" "(No way!" ")" "~ Yeah. ~ Wow." "God." "Apparently, my mother had a relationship, a fling, with a man who was married." "And then she went and got pregnant with me." "And my dad, being my dad, or the man who I always thought was my dad, he, he, he'd always had a soft spot for her and they were friends and basically... he must've agreed to pretend that I was his." "My God." "So that's..." "Wow, so that's, er... .. a shock." "He was a nice man, my dad, I never had any reason to imagine that..." "Well, why would you?" "So?" "So I said to my Auntie Jean," ""Well, who was my real dad, then?" ""This man that was married."" "And she said..." ""It was that Buttershaw fella."" "I mean, it's a long time ago, obviously, but she seemed very sure." "And so the thing is..." "Hang on." "Hang on." "Which Buttershaw fella?" "Your dad." "In 1966?" "~ Yeah. ~ No." "No, er..." "He married my mum in 1957." "Yeah, well, OK." "But..." "Do you know how many Buttershaws there are round here?" "I do, yeah." "Can I just get to the end of the story?" "OK, go on." "So when she said, "It was that Buttershaw fella", I said, "Who?"" "and, and, and she said," ""Him in the Courier."" ""Celia and Alan find wedded bliss after 60 years."" "She said, "That's him."" "Is she senile?" "No." "She can't get about like she did, but mentally, she's bright as a button." "OK." "What you, er..." "Bless your auntie, but what you have to understand," "Gary... .. is that my dad isn't like that." "Well, I don't know, obviously." "I've..." "I've not met him." "It sounds to me..." "I'm just telling you what she's said." "It does sound to me like she's seen a photo of somebody in the paper and she's just latched on to it." "Would he do a blood test?" "No." "Look, Gillian, I don't want anything, Gillian." "I just..." "It's just that, now I've started getting a little bit used to the idea that my dad wasn't my dad..." ".. I want to know where I came from." "Oh, hang on." "So that day when we got chatting in Greenhoughs..." "Yeah, that was..." "Yeah." "Yeah, that wasn't entirely..." "A friend of mine recognised you from the picture in the Courier." "And after I'd told him this business that my auntie'd said..." "I didn't know it was Valentine's Day when I suggested tonight!" "And I'm really sorry if you got the wrong idea." "And I approached you rather than him cos in the Courier it said that he'd had a heart attack." "So I didn't want to go giving him a shock, obviously." "Well, that's, er..." "He loved my mum." "They were nice, happy people." "I'd just been born in 1965." "He wouldn't have been mucking about with somebody!" "And you couldn't broach it with him?" "She's barking up the wrong tree." "Are you up?" "I'm just taking Alan a cup of tea in bed." "Just quickly, Kate and..." "Oh, did you have a nice evening?" "~ Perfect. ~ Good." "~ Kate... ~ Aren't we boring?" "No, you're lovely." "I know what they were all thinking." ""Dozy old beggars."" "~ All who?" "~ In the restaurant." "I couldn't give a monkey's." "No, well, that's..." "That's one of the joys of getting older." "You'll find you give less and less of a monkey's." "Yeah, good." "Sorry, I'm in a rush, Mum." "You won't like this but me and Kate, we're going to..." "We're going to h-have, h-have... ~ A bath?" "~ No." "~ A party?" "~ No." "A fortnight in the Bananas?" "We're going to get married." "So, er..." "So we've chosen a date." "Why do you assume I wouldn't like it?" "Well, I know you're..." "I know it's all, you know... outside your comfort zone." "I don't know why you think that." "There's no-one more broad-minded than me and Alan." "What's so funny?" "No, I'm pleased." "I know you like to think I'm stuck in the Dark Ages..." "Well..." "Well, what?" "No, I'm pleased." "I am, I'm pleased." "I often flick through the G2 when Alan buys a Guardian." "It won't be a big do, it'll be very discreet." "Just immediate family and one or two friends." "~ OK. ~ So, the Friday of half term." "Hopefully." "We're going to see if we can book a nice little function room in a nice little hotel." "It's..." "I just..." "We felt that, with the baby on its way, we ought to make it as official as we can." "Then it's, you know, it's official." "What will it call you when it arrives?" "The baby." "Will you be its dad?" "No, I'll be its mum." "I'll..." "It'll have two mums." "~ Won't it get confused?" "~ No." "A child needs a father." "Mum, gay couples bring up children all the time." "It's perfectly normal." "No, it's not normal, is it?" "That's not the right word." "It's becoming increasingly normal." "It'll have two very responsible, mature, loving parents." "~ And that's... ~ Oh." "~ .. all that matters." "But no dad?" "No dad." "What the hell is so fantastic about dads?" "Look at my dad, look at John!" "They're a liability." "Alan's not a bad dad." "No, well, Gillian's very lucky." "I sometimes think you've turned out the way you have because of your dad." "Do you?" "Well, he wasn't a role model, was he, your father?" "~ I thought you thought it was your fault. ~ My fault?" "No." "Kate said that when you went round to her house to apologise after you'd fallen out with Alan, you said you were worried it was all your fault." "Yes, because of your dad being ineffectual as a man." "So I projected things, ideas and expectations, onto you." "Oh, so that's my dad's fault, that you projected "expectations"?" "Yeah, in a sense." "In a very obvious sense." "I thought you were in a rush." "Yeah, but you do know that's all bollocks, don't you?" "I was born this way, to quote Lady Gaga." "Oh, I like Lady Gaga." "~ Do you?" "~ Mmmm, she's nuts." "I'm going now." "She reckons to be a lesbian." "I'll bet she isn't, no more than you are." "You know..." "I'm going to work." "OK." "Tata, love." "Guess the latest." "Nigel Farage has thrown in the towel after realising it's not 1957." "No." "They're getting "married"." "The lesbians." "Aww!" ""A little do," she says." "Thank God." "Are we going all Atilla the Hun again, dear?" "Oh, they do what they want." "I told her, I said, "We're very broad-minded, me and Alan."" "Why are you smiling?" "I think they're very well suited." "Well, apart from the fact that they're both women, yes, possibly." "I thought we'd gone beyond this." "It's for the baby." "It's so it's all official." "I said, "Oh, will you be the father?"" "She didn't like that." "They're both going to be mums." "I said, "Well, it'll get very confused"." "Will it 'eck." "No, I suppose one black one, one white one... it'll soon know its colours." "More tea, archbishop?" "Aye, go on." "Then we'll have to get our skates on or Harry will wonder where we are." "What time's he due in court?" "Dozy sod." "Oh, I knew they'd be late." "I said they should've driven over last night so there wouldn't be a panic." "Yeah, well, I'm here now, so come on." "I could've rung our Yvonne, but she'd not have come." "She'd have said, "Call a taxi," which is all very well and good, but it's moral support you want as much as anything." "'Course it is." "And she won't want the humiliation." "Oh, Harry, you made a mistake." "It was a mistake!" "Anyone could've done it." "That were the first thing the lockkeeper said." "What time you meeting your solicitor?" "Oh..." "That over-priced pillock." "Ten to." "Eh, how did you get on last night?" "Didn't you have a date?" "Oh, yeah." "Er..." "Turns out he's not my sort." "I thought you liked all sorts." "No." "Not always." "Harry." "Did you..." "You and me dad... did you ever know a Mary Kershaw, from up Siddal?" "I don't think I ever knew anyone from up Siddal." "Why?" "Ey up." "Where've you been?" "You've got a phone call with Alec Bracewell from the Independent Schools Association in ten minutes." "They're after you delivering the keynote lecture at the conference in March." "You're seeing Cressida Wade's parents at 9:45, your HODs meeting is at break, then you've got the architects in again at 11 o'clock." "And then you've got the year reps." "Oh, and then first thing after lunch, you're teaching!" "Good God, am I?" "Oh, and your step-sister rang on your mobile." "Gillian?" "She said she's sorry to be ringing you when you're working, but can you ring her back, ASAP?" "It's important." "I told you I'd never get in the back of that bloody thing!" "I don't know why they bother pretending sports cars have a back seat." "It's nobbut a shelf for your shopping." "So you're going to be all right without this for an hour or two?" "Yeah, like I say, I've a ewe to take to the vet." "So long as you don't mind me wedging her in the passenger seat?" "Celia?" "Yeah, you could probably get two more on the back seat, back shelf, as well." "Yeah, I'll lay a bit of straw down and then it won't make so much mess." "~ Yeah!" "~ Yeah, you're both so funny." "Right, you just remember to mind your Ps and Qs, Harry!" "Be polite to the judge." "(Oh, shit.)" "~ Caroline!" "~ 'Gillian.'" "~ Oh, is it Caroline?" "~ Can I ring you back?" "In, like, ten minutes." "Beverley said you said it's important." "It is." "It is." "Can you just give us ten minutes?" "Well, ring me back when you're ready." "I'm in my office." "OK, I will!" "Tata." "Good luck!" "Break a leg!" "Dozy sod." "So, that's it." "I left the restaurant." "I walked out." "Thing is, though, if I don't broach the subject with my dad, he will." "And then what?" "Well, look, either he is or he isn't." "And if he isn't, he'll just laugh, surely." "And if he is, well... it's not going to come as a surprise to him, is it?" "He knows whether or not he had a fling." "Yeah, but he just wouldn't." "Oh, when my mum told me about my dad being a bit of a one," "I couldn't take it in." ""My dad?" "!" "Not my dad." "My dad wouldn't do something like that."" "But he had." "He did." "And more than once." "Did he..." "What?" ".. have other kids, another family?" "Oh, no, no, nothing..." "Well, not that I know of." "Well, you wouldn't necessarily, would you?" "There was this... thing... last night when we were talking." "What thing?" "What was your mother's name?" "Before she married your dad?" "Kershaw." "Mary Kershaw." "What was she like?" "Oh, well, she had a great sense of humour." "No, I mean, what did she look like?" "Oh, yeah, no." "Well, she was quite attractive." "I've got a... ~ Have you got a photo?" "~ Yeah." "When I was little, we had a bureau at the top of the stairs." "And I used to entertain myself for hours... .. going through all the little drawers and tiny cupboards." "There was all sorts." "And I remember this little tin box." "It was red and it had a lock on it, but it never worked." "And on the lid, in gold letters, it said..." ""Tall oaks from little acorns grow."" "And inside there was foreign coins, paper clips...." "And there was this photo, a little photo, a passport photo, black and white..." ".. of this woman." "And I had no idea who she was, it wasn't anyone I'd ever seen." "And on the back... .. it said "Mary"." "And... did she look like...?" "Oh, I don't know, it's hard to know." "It's so long since, but..." ".. as far as I can recall..." "I dunno, there might have been a resemblance." "Could you ask him about the photo, see what he says?" "See if he reacts?" "Yeah." "I could." "But..." "Are you all right?" "He wouldn't do that to my mum." "No, no." "God, no." "So I was thinking, er..." "So the thing is, I was thinking..." "Maybe you could... .. talk to Celia..." ".. and she could tell him." "You know, it'd be better coming from her." "I'm terrified about his heart condition, Caroline." "I don't want this thing hitting him from out of the blue." "Yeah, but surely... if it is true, it's going to affect my mum really badly, too." "Your mum?" "Oh, it destroyed her when she found out about my dad sleeping around." "I mean, it killed her, it changed her." "Yeah, but... even if it is him, which is stupid..." "It isn't like he's been unfaithful to her." "Well, no, no, but, you know..." "If he's been unfaithful, full stop, it'd put him in the same category as my dad in her book, wouldn't it?" "Would it?" "Well, yeah, I think, surely, it's got to come from you... if you don't want this fella talking to Alan himself." "Yeah, but..." "Look, if he's a troublemaker and it's all nonsense, your dad'll just say so, won't he?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "What am I going to do?" "I don't think you've much alternative." "Well, on the plus side, once you've sold your house and paid off your fines, you'd have quite a lot of money left over to rent somewhere with." "Or you could buy another narrow boat." "I'm not going near that canal ever again." "How did it happen?" "It's easily done." "Back of stern got caught on cill in lock." "You see, already it's double Dutch." "Basically, he got back of his boat hooked onto the top of the lock gate, so when all the water drained out of the lock, the stern stayed up stuck to the gate and the bow sank down into the mud at the bottom of the lock." "I could've been killed." "Well, you shouldn't have been kaylied." "It's easily done." "You don't have to be kaylied." "So, OK, so the bad news is that they couldn't fit us in at half term." "They're fully booked, jam-packed, wall-to-wall." "But bizarrely, amazingly, as luck would have it, they've had a cancellation two weeks on Saturday." "11:30." "What's this for?" "Oh." "Well..." ".. we've decided we're going to get married." "It'll only be a small do, there's no need to panic." "I was just going to ask you and Will, Mum and Alan and perhaps Auntie Muriel and a few people from work." "Right." "We thought, before the baby's born, we ought to... you know." "You can ask Angus, if you like." "He's probably busy." "Well, ask him." "You hadn't told him." "Sorry." "Is it too soon, a fortnight on Saturday?" "No, no." "No." "The sooner, the better, as far as I'm concerned." "How's the nursery?" "Oh, here we go." "~ John. ~ Caroline?" "Speaking." "I just..." "I wondered, er..." "Are you all right?" "Yeah." "No." "Judith's, er, she's..." "She's lost the baby." "We've been in hospital all day." "But she's over 30..." "What's the matter?" "Yes, it's... (Judith's lost the baby.)" "How?" "It's been awful." "She had to give birth." "Oh, good Lord." "They said it was the only way, with it being 30 weeks." "Apparently that's..." "that's what you do, so... (She had to give birth.)" "So it's been pretty drawn out." "And distressing in one way and another." "I couldn't pop round, could I?" "(Can he pop round?" ")" "'Course." "Yes, of course you can." "I never even wanted it." "No." "But I didn't want this either." "I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it's been..." "Just sad, actually." "Just... .. so sad." "This little person who should've... run around and grazed her knees and grown up and lived to a ripe old age and... breathed the air long after we were gone." "And she won't." "She didn't even get to start." "She just gets nothing... .. forever." "Was it... .. definitely a she?" "Yes." "Yes, a little girl." "Life's so precious... .. and we just take it for granted, don't we?" "Squander it." "He's in shock." "You're in shock." "Yeah." "~ That's not fair." "~ He'd invalidated his insurance." "~ He's 75. ~ He were drunk!" "You can't make a man his age sell his house!" "And how else is he going to pay all his costs?" "~ Have you told Mum?" "~ No." "How long do they give you to pay it?" "28 days." "You can't." "They can't expect you to sell your house in 28 days!" "How else is he going to raise that kind of money?" "She needs a bottle." "Come on, then." "Tuppence." "Right!" "Well, I'll go find our Gillian, find out what it was she wanted to talk to me about." "Do you want me to come with you?" "No, no, you stay... where it's warm." "I'm going to get changed." "All right, love." "Hey, what's up?" "Breeched." "I'll sort her out." "What did you want to talk to me about?" "Oh, OK." "Well..." "It's a bit delicate." "Do you remember, when I was little, in the house up Barkisland... there was the bureau at the top of the stairs?" "~ Oh. ~ And in it, there was all... stuff." "And do you remember a little tin box, with a red cover, in the shape of a book?" ""Tall oaks from little acorns grow."" "And in it, there was a photo of a woman." "And on the back, it said "Mary."" "Did it?" "Yeah." "Yeah, it did." "Did you ever know a woman called Mary Kershaw?" "No." "No." "No, I don't think so." "I don't want to upset you." "Well, you haven't told me owt yet." "OK." "So..." "OK, so... .. as mum always used to always say to me..." ""I won't be cross, if you just tell me the truth."" "Did you ever have a fling with someone... .. after you married me mum?" "No!" "Course I didn't!" "~ Don't be so silly. ~ Right." "Why would you think that?" "So who was this Mary?" "~ I've no idea. ~ Mary in the tin." "~ I've got no idea." "Have you still got that tin?" "You know the tin I mean?" "I threw a lot of stuff out when I moved in here." "Yes, yes, I know the tin you mean." "It were a savings box from the Post Office." "(OK.)" "You know yesterday, my date with Gary?" "Gary Jackson." "Well, it turns out it wasn't me he was interested in... .. it was you." "He thinks..." "He thinks you had a fling... with his mother, Mary Kershaw..." ".. and that you're his dad." "Look, if it isn't true, it doesn't matter!" "I told him it'd be rubbish." "It's just, I promised him..." "I'd ask you, because..." "Because he was a nice man, actually, and... .. if I didn't ask you, I was worried he would." "Neither of us wanted to upset you, with your heart." "What does he want?" "Nothing." "Just..." "Just to know, I suppose." "Right, well, he needs to know he's got hold of wrong end of t'stick." "~ He asked if you'd do a blood test." "~ No, I damn well won't." "Right." "Good." "OK." "Well, I'll tell him that." "Cheeky beggar." "OK." "Well, is that it, then?" "~ Can I go?" "~ Sure." "Are you all right?" "I did love your mum." "I know." "I know that." "I didn't..." "I didn't know there'd been a child." "Wow." "It's shameful, a fella in his 70s being ordered by some over-privileged, toffee-nosed twat of a judge to sell his house." "He could've killed someone." "Yeah, but he didn't." "He was enjoying his retirement!" "He had a mishap." "Which would all have been fine had he not been over the limit." "Who is it that he actually owes the money to?" "Who is it that's taken him to court?" "The council?" "No!" "It's erm..." "Who is it?" "~ Waterways and Rivers Authority." "~ Yeah, them." "Evil bastards." "Your mum never knew." "It finished before it even started, really." "It were... ridiculous." "An embarrassment." "It should never have happened." "How do you know she didn't know?" "She didn't." "I'll have to take your word for it." "What does he want?" "Nothing." "I think he just wanted to know... for a fact, if it was true." "What does he look like?" "You, actually." "Taller." "He's very dapper." "He's very charming." "~ What does he do for a living?" "~ I've got no idea." "~ He married?" "~ I don't know. ~ Kids?" "Yes, three" " Tim, Toots and Teeny(!" ")" "I've got no idea." "There's no need to be snippy." "Oh, really?" "I don't think we should tell Celia about this." "What good would it do?" "Or is it a mistake not telling Celia?" "~ I don't know. ~ I don't like having secrets from Celia." "No." "No, after all, it..." "It's not like it's her you've been unfaithful to, is it?" "No, just me mum." "And me." "On the other hand, as Caroline pointed out, being unfaithful full stop in Celia's mind could put you in the same category, the same... doghouse, as Kenneth." "What the hell does Caroline know about it?" "I mentioned it... on the phone." "I didn't know how to tell you, so I thought if I told Caroline she could tell Celia, and then Celia could tell you." "But then Caroline pointed out that that might not... .. be a great idea." "Fancy telling Caroline!" "Eh, don't you get..." "shirty-bertie with me." "So... what do you think?" "About meeting him?" "I'd need to think about it." "OK." "Have you taken your pills?" "Yeah." "She wants to go buying another hat in the morning," "Celia does." "Caroline and Kate are getting wed." "~ Did she tell you?" "~ No." "I think you've got to bite the bullet." "I have." "I've rung t'estate agent, that one down Ripponden." "She's popping up this aft." "I'm very good at selling houses." "I've sold four, and we always got the asking price." "What you need, Harry, is a good tidy up and a lick of paint." "I have tidied up." "When?" "Recently?" "Yeah, just before you came." "OK." "I think what somebody'd be buying with a house like this is personality." "I think..." "I'm only giving you an opinion." "No, go on." "I think your definition of tidied up and somebody else's might differ." "Well, yeah, obviously." "But anybody with an ounce of wit could see it's got potential." "And you couldn't put a price on t'view" "~ out of that velux window in the attic. ~ No, no." "I think that's your big selling point." "It's a blank canvas." "Have you thought where you might move to if it did sell?" "I'd not move in with our Yvonne." "~ No. ~ No." "Even if she asked me - which she wouldn't." "I've got an appointment with local housing." "I rang them this morning." "Nice girl." "But obviously there's a waiting list." "Right!" "Shall we make tracks, Mr Buttershaw?" "I don't suppose I could move in at farm?" "No, you couldn't." "There's not room." "Aye, but you and Celia have got your little pad in Harrogate, happen I could doss in your room." "Don't be so bloody daft." "You don't have to come, man." "I don't mind coming, dude." "It'll be, like, boring, dude." "So what?" "Saturdays are, like, boring anyway." "They'd better not read out, like, any poems." "Why not?" "Cos that will be truly embarrassing." "Sorry, mate." "Oh, yeah." "Cos poems are, like, truly..." "Poems, no." "Not poems as such, but poems that a lesbeano..." "What?" "What's that?" "It's nothing." "~ What is it?" "~ Nothing!" "It's not worth it." "It's not worth it!" "Who was it?" "~ No-one. ~ Who was it?" "~ No-one. ~ Who was it?" "Seb Dixon." "Could you phone Sebastian Dixon's parents for me and explain to them that he's been involved in a homophobic incident?" "Do you have to...?" "And that I'd like to see them at their earliest convenience?" "Yes, I do have to." "Are you coming a fortnight on Saturday, Angus, to the wedding?" "Has Lawrence invited you?" "Yep." "Thank you." "Nobody is going to bully or humiliate or ridicule me... ~ It's not just about...!" "~ .. or anyone." "ANYONE... .. in this school." "Dark horse, isn't he, your dad?" "Yup." "You all right?" "I ought to be really... cross with him." "I am really... cross with him." "My mum." "It's my mum and he's..." "And she never knew... he says." "But how can I be cross with him, with his heart?" "I can't say, "You..."" "".. shag bandit."" "And all the stuff he's called ME over t'years!" "Was it just that once?" "He says." "Do you think there were others?" "I've not asked." "I don't want to know." "I can't imagine there were." "But Caroline says she couldn't imagine her dad..." "How did it happen?" "How does a fella like your dad end up getting into bed with somebody else?" "I don't, I've not..." "I'm not going there." "Maybe it was an in-the-back-of-a-car, knee-tremble-type job." "Shh!" "So does Celia know?" "No." "Shit, no." "Not yet." "Is he going to tell her?" "I don't know." "So what's he after, this Gary?" "Nothing." "Money?" "~ No. ~ Compensation?" "No." "He doesn't seem short of money." "Yeah, well, don't you be fooled." "Caroline and Kate are getting married." "Are they?" "Are they?" "Apparently." "You going?" "Just the toffs been invited, by the sound of things." "How's Cheryl?" "Ohh... she wants a new kitchen." "Oh, damn." "Do you think this colour's too rich?" "Too vivid?" "Should I have gone for something more pastelly?" "I've no idea." "Well, I'm asking for an opinion." "I think it looks very nice." "~ What's up?" "~ Nothing." "You've been quiet all day." "Why were you so snippy with Harry?" "Sorry." "I love you." "I love you." "Do you remember when you came out of hospital?" "You said you'd decided it was time to give life a real kick up the trousers?" "Yeah." "Kenneth's sister lives in Australia." "Deborah." "Debbie." "We always got on." "You see." "What?" "There's stuff about each other we still don't know." "Toowoomba." "It's just left of Brisbane." "Her husband got a post with the university." "Education." "He taught people how to be teachers." "Course, he's retired now." "Has been for 20 years." "Do you keep in touch?" "An e-mail at Christmas." "I told her about us." "She was really happy for us." "We've got all this money that we reckon to be spending on buying a house." "But the alternative - and I never thought I'd hear myself say this, cos all my life I've been a saver - is that we spend it doing something daft." "Something memorable." "Do you fancy getting away?" "A holiday." "A big trip." "We could go and see Ted and all their lot." "Yes." "Yes, I would." "I got your text." "Hi." "Hi." "Erm..." "I've got a break in, like, a half an hour or so... if you fancy a coffee." "OK." "But the basic, erm... .. gist is that it's..." "It's true." "He's your dad." "He's your father." "My father is..." "Blimey." "Shocked." "Upset." "Really?" "Well, it's tricky for him, with Celia." "Her first husband was a bit of a one, so it wasn't a very happy marriage." "Whereas, you see, she thinks me dad, in comparison, is squeaky-clean." "Ah." "~ So. ~ Did he..." "Did he show any interest in wanting to meet me?" "He asked what you looked like." "~ I don't want to cause any problems. ~ No." "But I would like to meet him, if..." "If he..." "I don't know." "Do you think he'd want to meet me?" "I think he's worried about what it is you'd want." "I don't want anything." "He's not loaded." "It's not about money." "No, I didn't think it was." "I think maybe it's more he's worried about what you expect." "He's just... a very ordinary little fella." "Does he not want to meet me?" "He didn't..." "He didn't say that." "I just want to say hello, really, I suppose, now that we know for a fact." "I think that's all I want." "Maybe that's not enough of a reason, if he doesn't want to." "I've never had a brother." "I've never had a sister." "~ You all right?" "~ Yeah." "~ Where's Celia?" "~ Bathroom." "I saw Gary, this aft." "I told him." "He'd like to meet you." "He asked me if you would." "I'm not..." "I told you, I'm not sure." "I'd need to think about it." "~ Why?" "~ Just..." "He's a nice man." "Morning." "~ What time are Seb's parents coming in?" "~ Half past nine." "~ What you going to say to them?" "~ Nothing." "I'm not dealing with it." "~ Mr Harrison is. ~ Why?" "Because it's the most appropriate way of dealing with it." "What if Seb's parents decide to kick up a fuss, about you being...?" "Oh, they'd be very misguided and stupid to try anything like that." "I'm a good head teacher, my private life has got nothing to do with the quality of my work." "Well, you know, they gave birth to Seb, they probably are very stupid." "He chose to raise the issue by putting that note on your back." "If he or his family are going to try and use it as a stick to beat either you or me with, in the misguided belief that I'll take it lying down, they're mistaken." "Hi." "Hi, how are things?" "Erm... fine." "I've not heard from my mother for a few days and I just wondered if there'd been any developments with this..." "Gary business... situation?" "Oh, yeah." "Erm, yeah." "I should've rung you." "Sorry." "~ Definitely?" "~ Apparently." "Well, he definitely had a fling with this woman, and the dates fit, so... ~ Yeah. ~ God, you never can tell, can you?" "~ My mother still doesn't know. ~ Ooh." "He's going to meet him." "Apparently." "Alan's going to meet this Gary." "Gillian's fixed them up with a date in some tea shop in Halifax next week." "She's going to take my mother out shopping for a new outfit for our wedding." "So it's all going on behind her back." "She thinks her and Gillian are having a girlie day out when, in fact, it's just a ruse to get her out of the way." "That's more or less how she said it " ""Like I'd choose "to spend a day with your mother."" "~ I thought, "Don't you damn well talk about my mother like that"." "~ She didn't say that. ~ The subtext." "You didn't... say anything?" "Well, yes, in fact, I did." "OK, well, Gillian, I'm sorry, and I understand it's a difficult situation and I really don't want to make it any worse than it is, but he - well, someone - is going to have to tell my mother at some point," "and if none of you do, I will." "Because my dad deceived her for years, and I am not" " NOT - having that happen again." "Ever." "The thing is, Caroline, nobody wants to deceive anybody." "I just, I think if he meets him... first and gets that out of the way, sort of thing." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "OK." "Right." "~ OK. ~ Thank you." "Congratulations, by the way..." "Oh!" "Yeah." "Thank you." "..on being a lesbian." "Are you busy?" "A fortnight on Saturday?" "Oh, erm..." "You and Raff, Ellie and the baby." "11:30 at the Register Office in Harrogate." "Well, we..." "We..." "It's not going to be a big do, it's not..." "Don't feel obliged." "It's just us and one or two of my friends from Oxford and a few of Kate's friends from UEA and one or two senior members of staff, it's not..." "You know, you don't have to, you know, feel obliged." "Erm..." "Sorry, it's..." "Yeah, sorry." "Damn, sorry, we're, erm..." "Well, I know it's short notice." "Sadly, yeah." "We're, erm, yeah, busy." "Otherwise, YEAH, we'd have loved to have... yeah... been there." "OK." "Hmmm." "So." "He wasn't unfaithful to HER, though, was he?" "I don't think it matters." "She'll be gutted." "She'll be devastated." "But I DO know she'd never forgive me if she knew that I'd known and not said anything." "I don't know why you won't come with us!" "Oh, I don't want to go trailing round clothes shops." "Hey, hey, hey!" "Don't spend up." "Ta-ta!" "Bye." "Gary?" "Alan." "Hello." "Kate's my wife's girlfriend." "Why did you let him go with you?" "She never told me, I had NO idea." "So what did he say, what does he want?" "He asked me if we'd like to go and have a meal, at his house." "Oh, my God." "There was an incident at work involving Cheryl." "~ I've heard the news. ~ Which news?" "So you lost your job." "In just over three hours' time, we'll be shackled to each other forever." "What the hell were you doing telling Caroline for?" "He hasn't told her!" "I know there's something bothering you," "I wish you'd let on what it is."