"Even though he tried not to show it, our money problems had clearly made granddad a little crazy." "Huey, Riley, is that electricity I hear?" "!" "We can't afford that." "What'd I tell you?" "This house is an airplane." "Turn off all your electronic devices and keep them off." "Matter of fact, get out here!" "You should be done trying on those clothes." " I can't wear this." " Why not?" "Don't tell anyone it's from the thrift store." "They wouldn't know." "Looks stylish to me." "Tell him, Huey." "It's not stylish." "If Kris Kross can jump in them, you can walk to school in them." "For real, granddad?" "See, this is why niggers drop out of school." "I'ma get teased." "Uh-oh." "Granddad, you're just beating him to take out your own frustrations." "That's what kids are for!" "Move!" "We were caught in a cycle of despair, violence, and poverty." "I had to find a real solution." "A job!" " Huh?" " Why don't you get a job?" "Huh?" "I'm serious, granddad." "Lots of old people are going back to work." "And they're horrible at it!" "When they wait on you, they slow as hell..." "Too chatty!" "Who give a damn their kids don't call?" "But you'd be better than a regular old person." "You're still fast." "We have strong genes." "You told us we come from hardworking sharecroppers, porters, slaves." "Yeah, and after all that, a nigger is tired." "Well, I think you could do it." "Yeah." "If you're so smart, tell me exactly where are these jobs hiring old black folk?" "When times got rough, what jobs did black folks have before?" "Try those." "Hmm." "__" "Huh?" "All these people in line for rote, dehumanizing work?" "Oh!" "No, qué lástima." "Trabajo no hoy." "Jobs yesterday, amigo." "Today..." "Alma awards tickets." "Oh." "Damn!" "Well, thank you, amigo." "Hey [beep] him, trying to take our jobs." "Sorry." "I only hire Mexicans, too." "It's that damn Obama's fault." "That's why you can't get a job." "Oh Ruckus, you think everything is Obama's fault." "That's because it is." "He got elected and made good white folks feel self-conscious about hiring niggers." "See, a shoeshine boy is somebody you should feel comfortable talking to about anything... about your mistress, about how you hate [beep] your wife... somebody you should feel comfortable calling a nigger, 'cause nowadays, you just can't get them friendly greetings out at work." "You don't want to look up one day and see that shoeshine boy on your TV, talking about "mahmoud ahamadamadinejad" and clean energy." "That just complicates the relationship." "But I'm not running for president." "Oh, that is true, but you know who's never reay gonna be the president?" "A wetback illegal." "You can go home after kicking his prayer-candle-dipped-in-tapatío-smelling ass and feel comfortable you will never see his illegal ass in the Roosevelt room." "So, what should I do?" "Nothin'." "You ain't got no chance." "As much as them negroes con queso annoy me, they have one hell of a work ethic." "Hell, they get more work done." "They even import little mini versions of themselves." "Guatemalans, I think they're called." "And am I reading this right?" "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" "Dead." "What?" "I'm old." "I don't have healthcare." "Sometimes when I sneeze, I [beep] myself." " Once..." " Moving on." "Let's see what you put for greatest weakness." " Pork chops." " Are you even taking this seriously?" "Are you?" "!" "These ridiculous questions." "If you, like everyone else, think I am completely unhirable, fine." "Mr. Freeman, these are standard job-placement questions." "They're on everyone's application." "Let me be frank... you are unhirable." "You come across as uneducated, you've just proven you're comfortable cursing in a professional setting, and... wait!" "I think I have the perfect job." "Is that a full-size shampoo bottle, nigga?" "!" "Get over here, Al-Qaeda!" "Eventually, granddad's pride got the best of him." "Ugh!" "Ugh!" "Kiss my black ass." "I had to call in the big guns... someone who loved capitalism and smiled at giving away the bulk of his free day to the man." "Hey, Huey." "I came over as soon as I paid my taxes." "Whoa." "Who peed in your petunias, Robert?" "Stupid huey had this great idea that a job could help with money problems." "How is it my fault you got fired?" "It's your fault I tried." "Trying to get a job is the first step to losing a job." "Robert, look..." "I know it's hard, but we can find you a job." "It's all about strategy." "I got it." "You should volunteer!" "Volunteer?" "!" "We broke as hell, doing homework by candlelight, like Amish niggers, and you telling him to work for free?" "Man, that's like hustling backwards!" "No, it's not." "Volunteering can be the perfect conduit to full-time employment." "It's a great resume builder..." "shows you have drive." "I'm volunteering at the old-folks' home tonight." "You should come!" "You should go." "You know one's about to die, be real nice to that one." "Cha-ching!" "Come on!" "It'll be fun!" "They're so grateful for the volunteers." "Plus, there's lots of lonely cuties there." "* Oh!" "Susanna, don't you cry for me *" "* Well, I come from Alabama with a banjo on my knee *" "Huh?" "Mnh-mnh!" "Don't clap." "I'm tired of this lawyer coming in and just singing." "Can't an old bitch get some free legal advice, some estate planning, an advance directive?" "Yeah, it does seem like a waste." "I'm Geraldine." "Robert." "Pleased to make your acquaintance." "Mm." "Robert, huh?" "Why is this my first time seeing you?" "What floor you live on?" "Oh, I don't live here." "I have people who care about me." "Well, I didn't mean..." "Seems like a lovely place." "All right, joke time." "Is this thing on?" "No?" "All right." "All right, what's invisible and smells like strawberries?" "My farts after I drink Ensure." "What?" "No." "Ew." "Ick." "Gross." "That is no... gah." "No, that's... that's not the punch..." "Oh, God." "It smells like strawberries in here now." "Let's go upstairs." "Come on." "It'll be more fun than this." " Aah!" " Ohh!" " Hey, what the..." " Okay, spread 'em!" "Spread 'em!" "You know the deal." " Mm." "Mm!" "Ooh!" "Ugh!" "He's clean!" "Robert, come." "Have a seat." "So, Robert, what brought you here today?" "Am I about to get jumped into some gray panthers gang?" "If so, look..." "I'd like to decline." "I'm just here looking for a job." "Job?" "!" "Oh, you don't want to work here, honey." "Know what a nursing home is?" "It's jail." "Why, you cheatin' bitch!" "Okay, okay." "Here." "That's right... jail, a jail that smells like a combination of poop, piss, poopy piss, and gout." "[beep] food and ghetto nursing assistants in Spongebob scrubs." "Ain't no rest in this rest home." "The worst part... ha!" "..." "No money." "That's why we had to flip this arts-and-crafts room into our underground financial enterprise." "So, Mr. Man, you still interested in a job?" "Yes, but not after what you told me." "Piss-poop?" "I want to work in a clean place." "How do you feel about whores, Robert?" " Love 'em." " Good." "Let me back up a bit." "Know why we're broke, Robert?" "Because our generation raised no-good, selfish-ass sons." "I asked my son to visit me." "He said, "I'm busy, mama."" "Yeah, nigga was busy, all right..." "Snatchin' a purse." "I'm telling you, every single one of our boys age 30 to 50... they're stuck on stupid and fastened to [beep]-up." "That's where you come in." "An old-school man like you." "Young ladies would really appreciate." "Oh!" "That's the job?" "Well, give me a red light and sign me up." "Make sure to read the part where we get to cap your ass if you don't bring our money by supper... 4:30 on the dot." "Real talk, Robert..." "I should hope, at your age, you know that women are different when it comes to our needs." "No problems here." "I've been around the block." "So, that's it?" "I'm officially a hooker?" "I'm gonna have to ask you not to say that." "You're an escort." "Okay, escort." "Young ladies, prepare to be escorted to orgasm land!" "Whoo!" "Granddad was definitely happier since he came back from the old-folks' home." "I guess there is something to volunteering." "Huey, drench my back." "Aw, no!" "You spending' money on a date and we sitting here eating air sandwiches?" "I'm not going on a date." "I'll have you know I got a job." "What kind of job wears suits on the night shift?" "Lots of important jobs..." "Valet and pimps." "Which one are you?" "Hush." "Don't worry about what I am." "Know what you should be worrying about?" "Behaving for the babysitter." "Hello, lil' niggers." "Well, go on." "Get out there and sell that shriveled-up monkey dick." "See you in the morning, ho man." "Huh?" "Ruckus, I'm not a whore man." "I'm an escort." "Escort?" "Ha!" "Let me break down "escort" for you." "Webster's Dictionary will tell you an escort is a smart, pretty white woman who, temporarily down on her luck, uses the powers of her gold-plated vagina to care for her adorable kids." "You, my nigger, is a ho." "Granddad!" "That's your job... hoin'?" "You're sleeping with dudes?" "Hell, no!" "I'm escorting ladies." "Well, that's all right, then." "Actually, that's kind of gangsta." "You were supposed to get a real job." "This is a real job." "I don't see what the big deal is." "The big deal?" "!" "The big deal is that women would pay to [beep] you!" "Nigger, you know you would [beep] anything for free." "Granddad, you're not really gonna do this?" "Know what I'm not gonna do?" "Be late for my first date." "Nothin' wrong with sex." "That's how we all got here." "It's fun, and if you can get paid for it, better." "That's the exact sex talk I was gonna have with you in two years." "Now excuse me." "Time for granddad to give the ladies what they need." "Mm." "Ohh." "Mm." "This is exactly what I needed." "God, I should have signed up for more than three hours." " Her?" " No." " Her?" " No!" " Her?" " Nope." "And what about her?" "No, Marge Simpson's not prettier than you, either!" "You're prettier than tonight's entire lineup and all of basic cable!" "Oh, thank you." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Oh, God, I've been so lonely!" "Oh, yes!" "Cuddle me harder!" "Ohh." "I'm supposed to be getting used for sex." "I'm getting less sex than before." "That last date, Vanessa..." "That's her again, damn it!" "She calls me... just to see what I'm doing." "Lord, a ho can't be a blessin' if you don't give him lessons." "Grab a computer." "Pull the stats on Vanessa." "Give me that computer!" "Um..." "Robert, I'm gonna need you to put on your big-boy pants and listen real careful." "First, women don't pay for dangle." "Even I can go to a club and roll out with some free dick for the night." "What you're doing for our women is bigger than that." "You're boosting their self-esteem, making them feel loved, desirable." "Pulled up Vanessa." "No kids, 39." "She found our ad in the back of that book," ""think like a dude 'cause your lonely black ass ain't never gonna get one anyway." Ha!" "Oh, I saw that movie." "Of course you did." "She read the book twice 'cause she didn't have a date." "This is truly the horrible nigger millennium... times when even the skinny white "Sex and the City" bitches can't find a good man for six seasons." "Now, if them bitches got a man cold... ha!" "Our women got a man flu!" "And we keep them on antibiotics by doubling down on the bad nigger news." "Boss, here's our stat for the day." "A black woman is more likely to die in a tanning-salon fire than find true love." "You see?" "You're making these lonely black women feel loved, and that feeling is the most powerful [beep] drug in the world." "Keep shoving that [beep] in Vanessa's veins... she'll keep you paid forever." "But I don't want forever!" "I just want to get out of debt." "You know, I'm getting tired of your [beep]." "Mow you go blow love smoke up Vanessa's black ass and get my money." "Mm-hmm." " What the..." " Mm-mmm!" "Want me to make you a plate?" "How the hell did you get into my house?" "Well, our first date went so well," "I upgraded to the "if I catch you looking at another bitch," "I'll kill you package"... the one that comes with a house key." "Who wants dessert?" "We do!" "I mean, I do." "Oh, don't look at me." "I thought that nappy-headed woman was a bear." "I kept trying to lock the door." "She's one of my clients." "Look at you, bringing work home." "Very unniggardly of you, Robert." "Shut up, Ruckus." "We got to get her out." "Boy, that is a powerful request." "Them big-thigh black ones just like bedbugs." "Once they're in, you got to damn near burn your whole house down to get 'em out." "Okay, I do have one solution even more powerful than pouring water on their hair." "Give me some time." "Huh?" " About time we toss this one, too." " Hey!" "And this one!" "Man, please, please, can we keep her, granddad?" "!" "You can't throw away my old shirts!" "I relive my glory days in my old shirts!" "But if we don't get rid of your ugly clothes, where will I put my clothes?" "In your house!" "You know I sold my house to pay for you." "Damn!" "She used real sweet potatoes." "Okay." "Instruct me on what you expect at night tell you you look better without makeup, a couple of "I'll kill myself if you leave me"?" "You're just silly-acting." "When did they start knocking?" "I taught them." "It's good manners." " Riley's talking in his sleep." " I'm just reading." "Trick-ass new grandma told me to." "She said reading' was how she got rich enough to rent granddad." "Enough." "Get your asses in bed." "You got Riley reading?" "Whoo!" "That must have taken a beating and a half." "I didn't beat him." "We sisters have our ways." "Okay, I threatened to beat him... the way my mom did." "Got real demon in the eyes and looked around at anything in sight that could be used to beat that ass." "God, I always wanted kids." "How 'bout I kick in an extra $200 a week and you let the boys call me "mom," hmm?" "$200?" "Vanessa, let's not do this anymore." "I'm trying to do what's right." "You deserve better." "You're pretty." "You make a mean sweet-potato pie." "You're smart." "I'm not smart." "I can't even buy the right hooker." "I bought the one that breaks up with me." "I'm not breaking up with you." "I'm just thinking you could be really happy without paying for it." "Now you're the hooker with the heart of gold?" "Look, I think I'd be real lucky to find someone as sweet as you." "If we didn't meet this way... so what, we met this way?" "Let's throw caution to the wind and be a real couple..." "No pay-per-dates!" "I'm under a 2-year pimp-ho contract." "The escort service is run by pimps?" "What are they, like huge scary guys?" "Yeah, they are scary." "We can do this, Robert." "I promise you, I'm worth being bitch-slapped for." "[beep] no." "Not a clitoris' chance in Africa we'll let you out of your contract." "Aaaaaaah!" "That's right... you ain't getting out of your contract now!" " Aaaaaaaaaaaah!" " Take that!" "What?" "Stop crying like a punk." "Shut the hell up." "You ain't nothin' but a punk-ass bitch." "Take that!" "Oh, I wish I had more speed." " How'd it go?" " We're still in negotiations." "It'll be fine." "They're my lonely, bitter girlfriends." "I told them about you, and they couldn't wait to try you out." "I thought we..." "I just got my ass kicked for you!" "I'm kidding!" "They know we're a couple." "But the part about them being lonely and bitter..." "True." "Oh, you're just as handsome as Vanessa said." "And your grandkids are so well-mannered." "Where their daddy at?" "I bet that no-good nigger dropped them off with you and never looked back, right?" "We go to church every Sunday praying we find a man like you." "I'm not sure why we keep going." "Only good man in there is Jesus." "Oh, the freaknik circus has come to town in Robert Freeman's living room." "Girls, that's Ruckus." "He is crazy!" "But if he's Robert's friend, then he's my friend, too." "Oh, there's my African prince!" "That's right..." "I didn't forget your request." "The most powerful black-bitch-begone ever... a beautiful white woman." "No!" "Make her leave!" "That ain't possible." "White women are loyal... for real." "Try to kick her." "She'll just love you more." "I knew this would happen." "Even the old ones gone white like they're damn NBA players or something." "This is all a stupid mistake." "I don't even know her." "I invested all my money in you." "How could I be so stupid?" "Come on, girl." "You can do better than that." "Roll your neck around and cuss his ass out." "If you guys are mad, yell at me." "I'm fine with being treated like [beep]." "Vanessa, please listen to me!" "I think you've done enough talking." "Yeah." "Go talk to Becky." "It's okay, girl." "After that day, like practically everything else we've tried to make life better, things fell apart." "Vanessa and her girlfriends had granddad arrested for prostitution." "I sold my gold-plated hoo-ha to bail you out." "Of course, granddad had to give up his bosses to get a lesser charge." "Aww." "Okay, boys." "Like every other bad thing we've been through, let's forget it ever happened so the three of us can get back to normal as soon as possible." "Uh, granddad?" "The three of us?" "!" "Well, which one of these little boys are you tossing out?" "'Cause I'm not going anywhere." "Ha ha!" "Nope, not after all we've been through." "While I respect your loyalty, trust me..." "I'm related to these people, and if I had a chance to get out..." "I heard an NBA star moved in down the street." "Huh?" "Really?" "They're always looking for girls like me." "Lamar Odom, here I come!"