"Everything starts somewhere, although many physicists disagree." "There is the constant desire to find out where, where is the point where it all began?" "But much, much later than that the Discworld was formed." "Drifting onwards through space atop four elephants on the shell of a giant turtle the great A'tuin." "It was sometime after its creation when most people forgot that the very oldest stories at the beginning are, sooner or later, about blood." "At least, that's one theory." "The philosopher Didactylos has suggested an alternative hypothesis:" ""things just happen, what the hell."" "And so our story begins in Ankh-Morpork the twin city of proud Ankh and pestilent Morpork the biggest city in Discworld." "A city, where magic is just another job and where the Tower of Art of the Unseen University for wizards" "looms over all the dark, narrow streets." "Our story begins on a mid-winter festival very remarkable similarity to your Christmas." "And so... it was the night before Hogswatch." "...and then Jack chops down what's the world's last beanstalk adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement and trespass charges already mentioned, and all the Giant's children didn't have a daddy anymore." "But he got away with it and lived happily ever after without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done." "Which proves that you can be excused just about anything if you're a hero, because noone asks inconvenient questions." "And now, it's time for bed." "–Susan!" "–Yes?" "You know last week we wrote letters to the Hogfather?" "–Yes?" "–Well, did he really got them?" "And when's he coming here?" "Does it matter, if you get the presents anyway?" "Yes." "Well, if you don't believe in the Hogfather, there won't be any presents." "Thought so." "But while children everywhere sleep fitfully in the belief that a jolly, fat man is about to deliver their presents," "not necessarily everyone is entering into the Hogswatch spirit." "Especially in a city where there is a guild for everything." "Khm!" "The doors are locked, the windows are barred the dog does not appear to have woken up" "the squeaky floorboards haven't." "I really doubt that you are a ghost and gods, generally, do not announce themselves so politely." "You could, of course, be Death, but I don't believe he bothers with such niceties." "Besides, I am feeling quite well." "Good evening." "Good evening, Lord Downey." "You wish someone inhumed?" "Brought to an end." "Our scale of fees..." "The payment will be three million dollars." "No questions asked, I assume." "No questions answered." "We need to know your name, or names, in strict client confidentiality, of course." "You may think of us as the Auditors." "Really?" "What do you audit?" "Everything." "We maintain the logical order of the Universe." "We need to know a little more than that." "We are the people with three million dollars." "We need to know when, where and, of course, who." "The location is not on any map, and we need the task to be completed by sunrise tomorrow." "This is essential." "As for the who, let us call him... the Fat Man." "But won't he be out on his round?" "Ho, ho, ho!" "How would the Fat Man be inhumed?" "A glass of poisoned sherry, perhaps?" "You find the ways and means." "How can I contact you?" "We will contact you." "We know where you are." "We know where everyone is." "Winvoe, is Mr Teatime still in the building?" "Up, Gouger!" "Up, Rooter!" "Up Tusker!" "Up, Snouter!" "Giddyup!" "Go away!" "I don't do that stuff anymore." "Yes, Twyla?" "I'm afraid of the monster in the cellar, Susan." "It's going to eat me up." "What, again?" "Ye gawds, there's a gel out here with a poker!" "What are you doing?" "Twyla said she's afraid of the monster in the cellar, Mrs Gaiter." "–And you're going to attack it with a poker, eh?" "–Yes." "Susan's our governess." "She beats up monsters with a poker?" "Actually, it's a very clever idea." "My daughter gets into her head there's a monster in the cellar." "You go in with the poker and make a few bashing noises while the child listens, and then everything is all right!" "Is that what you're doing, Susan?" "Yes, Mrs Gaiter." "This I've got to watch, by Io!" "Not everyday you see monsters beaten up by a gel!" "Come in, Mr Teatime!" "Ah, Carter, just put it on the table over there, will you." "Yes, sir." "I'm sorry sir, I'll go and fetch another cup directly, sir." "–What?" "–Your visitor, sir." "What visitor?" "Oh, for when Mr Tea–" "Mr Teatime?" "It's pronounced Te-ah-tim-eh, sir." "The dog seems to like you." "I get on well with animals, sir." "I have a report... here that says that you've nailed Sir George's dog to the ceiling." "I couldn't have it barking while I was working, sir." "Some people would have drugged it." "Oh!" "But I definitely fulfilled the contract." "I checked Sir George's breathing with a mirror, as instructed." "Apparently his head was several feet from his body at that point." "That was all right, wasn't it, sir?" "It..." "lacked elegance." "Ah, thank you sir!" "I'm always happy to be corrected." "I shall remember that next time." "It is about the next time that I wish to talk." "As a matter of interest, how would you go about inhuming this gentleman?" "You don't have to worry." "She always wins." "Very well done!" "Very persykological." "A clever idea, that bend in the poker." "I expect you're not afraid anymore, eh, my girl?" "–No." "–Very persykological." "Susan says, don't get afraid, get angry!" "Er, thank you, Susan!" "And now, if you'd all like to come back to the parlour—I mean, the drawing room." "Dashed convincing, the way she bent the poker like that." "–Have they all gone, Twyla?" "–Yes, Susan." "Good." "That's what we do to monsters." "Now, it's back to bed for you, my girl." "–Difficult, sir." "–Certainly." "But I have devoted some time to it, sir." "You mean you've actually sat down, and thought out how to inhume the Hogfather?" "Oh, yes, sir." "And the Soul Cake Duck." "And Death, sir." "I suppose I just see things differently from other people." "We maybe able to see the complaint of Sir George's estate against you with regard to his dog rather differently... and approve your graduation to full membership of the guild" "Take the dark, sir?" "Wear black, sir?" "If you agree to undertake this contract." "With due elegance, of course." "With elegance guaranteed, sir." "Er, Mr Teatime?" "You have actually applied yourself to a study of ways of killing Death?" "Everyone has their weak point, sir." "Susan, there's a monster under my bed, again." "Do the Voice on it!" "Do the Voice on it!" "No!" "Not the Voice!" "–Hit it on the head with the poker!" "–Not the poker!" "This is a friendly warning, understand, because it's Hogswatch." "What are you?" "A witch, or something?" "I'm just... something." "Now, you won't be around here again, will you?" "Or we'll put your head under the blanket." "It's got fluffy bunnies on it." "Fluffy bunnies, no!" "GO AWAY, AND STOP BOTHERING ME!" "That wasn't as much fun as the one last month, you know, the one when you've kicked him in the trousers." "Just go to sleep now!" "'s gone six." "He's not coming." "Good evening." "Do have another drink while we wait for the other members of our little... troupe." "–Locks." "–We have a locksmith." "–Who?" "–Mr Brown." "And you can help me carry this." "It's rather heavy." "That's a wizard!" "–No, I'm not." "I'm incognito." "–Yeah, right." "Mr Sideney here is indeed a wizard." "A student, anyway." "This is my brother, Banjo, this is Chickenwire." "I didn't want to come." "Mr Sideney is down on his luck at the moment." "Hence his willingness to join our little venture." "What is this?" "Does it do tricks?" "It looks like a volcano!" "–Really?" "And I suppose we might as well make the start." "Hello, my name is Violet." "And I have been your tooth fairy for this evening." "There ain't nothing valuable, y'know!" "Nothing valueable, only a few bags of... t-t-t-t..." "–Teeth." "I know." "My name's Teatime." "What's your name, sir?" "Ernie." "Yes, Ernie." "Come on, gentlemen!" "This is my friend, Ernie." "He's going to be our drive for tonight." "Put her in the back, Banjo!" "Mister, I ain't allow to carry passangers, y'know." "Charlie'll give me a right telling-off." "Don't you worry about that." "We're all friends here." "Our Mom said no hitting girls." "Only bad boys do that." "Our Mom said..." "Shut it." "–Shhhh!" "–Where to, Mister?" "You know the way, Ernie." "Behind the Unseen University." "Where the students of magic are still hard at work on the night before Hogswatch." "It's just a shame we don't have any radiation shielding, Bursar." "You want radiation shielding, Mr Stibbons?" "Advice from Hex, Bursar." "As the University won't supply our student an atomic particle accelerator, we started to build our own." "Safety first!" "Dean, have you seen the Head of Inadvisably Applied Magic?" "I need some urgent advice!" "Well, ask the Chair of Indefinite Studies." "–Lecturer in Recent Runes?" "–Well, you see, it all depends..." "I don't know." "In my day, when I was undergraduate I wouldn't have been studying on Hogswatch night." "That's just not natural." "I'd have been sick twice by now." "Bursar!" "Bursar." "Then Dean." "Oh, there you are!" "Archchancellor!" "Members of the faculty!" "I've decided, as a Hogswatch present to myself, to open up the late Archchancellor Weatherwax's old bathroom." "So I don't have to sluice down with you fellas." "It's unhygienic." "You can catch stuff." "Here, I can't take the lot of you throught the wall." "Listen, Ernie." "Ernie, you will take us through, or, and I say that with very considerable regret," "I'll have to kill you." "But if I take you through—" "What's the worst thing that can happen?" "You lose your job." "Whereas if you don't, you'll die." "Really, Mustrum." "I think this is most unwise." "It said in the plans it was a bathroom." "You chaps are all acting as if the room was some kind of torture chamber." "Bathroom, designed by Bloody Stupid Johnson." "Yeah, the late Bergholt Stuttley Johnson was the worst inventor in the world, Archchancellor." "Not everything he made had a horribly fateful flaw." "Think of the thing they are using in the kitchen for peeling potatoes, for example." "You mean the thing with the brass plate on it saying:" "'Improved Manicure Device'?" "It's only water." "Even old Johnson can't do too much harm with water!" "Go to it, lad." "You just chucks it at the wall there, and it goes twing." "Really?" "May I try?" "–Ah, Isn't that nice, eh, our Davey?" "–Yeah." "And then you just drive forth?" "Oh, yeah, right." "Quick, mind, 'cause it only stays open a little while." "Thank you very much, Ernie." "Very much, indeed." "Wasn't he dull?" "If he's supposed to be getting rid of the Hogfather, why is he going to the Tooth Fairy's castle?" "The Tooth Fairy, huh?" "Another childish belief." "Exactly." "Very elegant." "–It is." "You have to start somewhere." "Once you have their little minds in your grip, it's good bye, Hogfather!" "It's him!" "COULD I GIVE YOU A HAND?" "Cor, yeah!" "Here, your fingers are cold, mister!" "SORRY." "What'd he go and do that for?" "I did what he said." "Could have killed me!" "YES." "I always keep a nip on me these cold nights." "Keeps me spirits up." "INDEED." "How'm I going to explain all this, then, eh?" "SORRY?" "THAT WAS VERY RUDE OF ME, I WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION." "I said what'm I going to tell people?" "Letting some blokes ride off with my cart neat as you like." "That's gonna be the sack for sure!" "THERE AT LEAST I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS, ERNEST." "AND, THEN AGAIN, I ALSO HAVE SOME BAD NEWS." "So, I'm dead then." "CORRECT." "NOW TELL ME ABOUT THESE BLOKES WHO STOLE YOUR CART..." "AND KILLED YOU." "Honestly, Death gets worse than worse." "He seems to like humans." "So illogical." "But the beauty of the assassin's plan is that he can't interfere." "But Death can go everywhere." "No." "Not quite everywhere." "Great job..." "Hello." "My name's Teatime." "What's yours?" "ALBERT." "SOMETHING HERE IS NOT RIGHT." "Awk!" "Too right." "This is the mythological persons' room." "How come one of them die?" "SOUL CAKE DUCK." "THE TOOTH FAIRY." "THE HOGFATHER." "OH, DEAR." "Oh, dear, oh, dear." "ALBERT?" "WE MAY NOT HAVE MUCH TIME." "I don't know what you're expecting me to say, but—" "Shhh!" "Questions first." "Babble later." "Now, Miss Bottler." "I'd like you to think of me as a friend." "How're we doing, Mr Modo?" "The tanks are full, and I've stoked the boilers, Mr Archchancellor, sir!" "You can't read the signs on that door, Ridcully?" "You mean the sign that says, 'do not under any circumstances open this door'?" "Surely, it was sealed up for a reason." "They just wrote that to keep people out." "That's right." "That's what people do." "Don't say I didn't warn you!" "Hygiene!" "That's the ticket." "I still haven't worked out where all the pipes lead." "We'll find out." "Don't you fear." "Man the pumps, Mr Modo!" "Or dwarf them, of course, in your case." "She's a tooth fairy." "But she's not THE Tooth Fairy." "Shhh!" "What did you expect in the Tooth Fairy's castle?" "T'is just the creepiest thing I've ever..." "You don't have to think." "You just have to do what I've said." "–All of them?" "–Every last one." "–Put 'em in a pile?" "–That's millions." "Mr Brown." "I want you to unlock every door you can find." "What's this really all about?" "Does he believe in things like the Soul Cake Duck?" "The Sandman?" "The Tooth Fairy?" "Yeah." "Even the Hogfather." "'Cause after we're finished here, not even he will." "ONWARDS, BINKY, TO THE HOGFATHER'S CASTLE OF BONES." "First Hogswatch off in a thousand years!" "Even if I'm going to have the mother of all hangovers in the morning." "And how can the Hogfather bring all the presents to everyone, all at the same time?" "Unless there are lots of Hogfathers." "–Look, you've always believed in the Hogfather, yes?" "–Yes..." "Well, if you don't believe in him, he won't come down the chimney." "It's a very small chimney." "And a very small stocking if you don't go to sleep!" "...SOOT..." "PORKPIE..." "OH, YES." "AND..." "HO, HO, HO." "There's a tap in there marked 'Old Faithful'... which I think, perhaps, we might leave alone for now." "This is a most peculiar Hogswatch." "Any mustard?" "They're a treat with mustard." "APPLESAUCE." "I'M FINDING THE BEARD A BIT OF A TRIAL." "Well, at least it's keeping you in the right frame of mind, master." "In character, sort of thing." "BUT GOING DOWN THE CHIMNEY?" "WHERE'S THE SENSE IN THAT?" "It's got to be chimneys." "A bit like the beard, really." "D'you think these little buggers'd be writing to someone who could walk through walls if they knew?" "Oh, that reminds me." "The 'Ho, ho, ho' could use some more work, if you don't mind me saying so." "HO, HO, HO?" "No, no, no!" "No, you got to put a bit more life in it, sir." "No offense intended." "You gotta got to be a big, fat laugh, sir." "You know, like..." "ho-hoo, ho, ho, ho, ho!" ", see?" "You got to sound like you're pissing brandy and crapping plum pudding, sir." "If you pardon my Klatchian." "REALLY?" "HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS?" "Well, I used to be young meself once, sir." "Surprising as it may seem." "The teeth give me the creeps." "Just keep going!" "Why do we pile them all up?" "You don't wanna know." "The quicker all the teeth are in the pile, the quicker we are out of here with our money." "No one ever laid a punch on Banjo since our Mom died." "Tough but fair, huh?" "You know, I recall that time she strangled Glossy Ron with his own leg." "Yeah." "Maybe the both of us could creep up on him and..." "Yeah!" "I keep thinking of that glass eye watching me." "I keep thinking it can see right in my head." "Don't worry, he doesn't know what you're thinking." "Well, how do you know?" "You're still alive." "These damn eyeballs are hard, aren't they?" "They're walnuts, not eyeballs." "I don't want you back in my life, understand?" "Don't say you haven't been warned." "Warned?" "Did you check the list?" "COULD NOT REALLY MAKE HEAD NOR TAIL OF IT, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH." "I DON'T NORMALLY CARE IF THEY'VE BEEN NAUGHTY OR NICE." "I CAN FEEL BELIEF IN THE HOGFATHER FADING." "What's that?" "IT LOOKS VERY BAD." "No, no, it's just there's some nibbling it, that's all." "I MEAN THE SITUATION." "I FEAR WE MAY BE TOO LATE." "Never say die, master." "That's our motto." "I CAN'T SAY IT'S EVER REALLY BEEN MINE." "You'd better watch out!" "Because if the Hogfather still comes to town, as a result of a magical misjudgement on your part, then you'd no longer be my friend, Mr Sideney." "I understand, sir." "Do you have a lot of friends, Mr Sideney?" "Well, quite a few, actually." "I don't have many." "Don't seem to have the knack." "On the other hand..." "I don't seem to have any enemies at all." "It's a very enemy-friendly spell, sir." "That is, very subtle." "And will make the pile of teeth very..." "–Mr Teatime!" "...dangerous." "Grandfather, this is Hogswatch." "It is supposed to be jolly, with mistletoe and holly." "And other things... ending in -olly." "It's a time when people are meant to feel good about things and eat until they explode." "A time when they want to see all their... relatives." "I mean it's a time when humans are really human." "And they don't want..." "a skeleton at the feast." "Especially one, I might add, who is wearing a false beard, and has got a damn cushion shoved up his robe." "I mean, why?" "ALBERT SAID IT WOULD HELP ME GET INTO THE SPIRIT OF THE THING." "This is a real job." "And I was looking forward to a real Hogswatch, when normal things happen, with normal people, in a normal house." "And suddenly, the old circus comes to town!" "Well, I don't know what's going on, but you can just leave, right now." "–Albert!" "–Bugger it." "Master, I'm stuck." "The pixie." "Oh, come along in, do!" "If the real Hogfather doesn't turn up soon there's not going to be enough room for him." "HE WON'T BE JOINING US." "So what have you turned up for?" "And if it's for business reasons, I will add, then that outfit is in extremely poor taste." "THE HOGFATHER IS UNAVAILABLE." "–At Hogswatch?" "–YES." "Why?" "HE IS..." "LET ME SEE..." "THERE ISN'T AN ENTIRELY APPROPRIATE HUMAN WORD, SO..." "LET'S SETTLE FOR..." "GONE." "YES, HE IS GONE." "How can the Hogfather be gone?" "He's... isn't he what you are?" "Anth..." "ANTH-RO-PO-MOR-PHIC PER-SON-IF-IC-A-TION." "YES." "HE HAS BECOME THE SPIRIT OF HOGSWATCH." "And while he's gone you've taken over." "That's sick." "I SEE THE GIRL WRITES IN GREEN CRAYON ON PINK PAPER" "WITH A MOUSE IN THE CORNER." "THE MOUSE IS WEARING A DRESS." "I ought to point out that she decided to do that so the Hogfather would think she was sweet." "Including the deliberate bad spelling." "But look, why are you doing the—" "SHE SAYS SHE IS FIVE YEARS OLD." "Seven." "In cynicism, she's about thirtyfive." "But why are you doing the—" "BUT SHE BELIEVES IN THE HOGFATHER?" "She'd believe in anything if there was a dolly in it for her." "But you're not going to leave without telling me—" "And what are you doing here, Albert?" "I thought you'd die if you ever came back to the world." "AH, BUT WE ARE NOT IN THE WORLD." "WE ARE IN THE SPECIAL CONGRUENT REALITY CREATED FOR THE HOGFATHER." "NORMAL RULES HAVE TO BE SUSPENDED." "HOW ELSE COULD ANYONE GET AROUND THE ENTIRE WORLD IN ONE NIGHT?" "That's right." "I'm one of the Hogfather's Little Helpers, me." "It's official." "I'ev got the little pointy green hat with a bell, and everything." "Have you been good, have you?" "NOW, WE MUST BE GOING." "HAPPY HOGSWATCH!" "AND, OH YES." "HO, HO, HO." "It's a nice drop of sherry, this." "You've actually been drinking the actual drinks little children leave for the actual Hogfather?" "Yeah, why not?" "He won't be drinking anymore, will he?" "Not where he's gone." "How many have you had, may I ask?" "Dunno." "Haven't been counting." "ONE MILLION, EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND, SEVEN HUNDRED AND SIX." "AND SIXTY EIGHT THOUSAND, THREE HUNDRED AND NINETEEN PORK PIES." "AND ONE TURNIP." "Well, It looked pork-pie shaped." "Everything does, after a while." "Why are you doing this?" "I AM SORRY." "I CANNOT TELL YOU." "FORGET YOU SAW ME." "IT'S NOT YOUR BUSINESS." "Not my business?" "How can you say—" "YOU WANTED TO BE NORMAL." "GOOD NIGHT, GRANDDAUGHTER." "Sleep tight!" "Better watch out... pardon." "We're running out of doors." "I hope this is the one." "This isn't the room we're looking for." "Just teeth in here." "Keep going, Mr Brown." "Susan will try to find out what this is all about, you know." "OH, DEAR." "Especially after you've told her not to." "–YOU THINK SO?" "–Oh, yes." "DEAR ME, I STILL HAVE A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT HUMANS, DON'T I?" "Well, I dunno." "OBVIOUSLY, IT WOULD BE QUITE WRONG" "TO INVOLVE A HUMAN IN ALL THIS." "THAT IS WHY, YOU WILL RECALL," "I CLEARLY FORBAD HER TO TAKE AN INTEREST." "Yes, you did." "BESIDES, IT'S AGAINST THE RULES." "Yes, that's a shame, really, because she likes to break them, doesn't she?" "YOU MIGHT THINK I'VE ALREADY THOUGHT OF THAT," "BUT I COULDN'T POSSIBLY COMMENT." "AND WE HAVE MUCH TO DO." "WE HAVE THE HOGFATHER'S PROMISES TO KEEP." "He did something to the real Hogfather." "Binky." "Can't she be eliminated?" "Oh, yes." "She's mostly human." "Oh, good." "Then can we go back to just concentrating on running the Universe?" "Making sure that gravity works and that atoms spin." "Yes, when there is not an atom of belief left in the world." "And the Hogfather is just the beginning." "What are you looking for, Mustrum?" "My father always said that where you get lots of people bathing together, the Verruca Gnome is running around with his little sack." "Modo, any sign of the Verruca Gnome down there, old boy?" "Welcome home, Susan." "You took your time." "I don't do family reunions." "The Sandman." "Soul Cake Duck." "Tooth Fairy..." "The Hogfather." "Grandfather, what have you done?" "THIS CUSHION IS STILL UNCOMFORTABLE." "You're doing well, master." "Soot in the fireplaces, footprints, swigged cherry." "The sleightracks all over the roofs." "It's got to work!" "YOU THINK SO?" "Oh, yeah!" "Here's a little tip, though." "'Ho, ho, ho' will do." "Don't say, 'Cower, brief mortals'!" "OH, REALLY?" "SO MANY CHIMNEYS." "IT WOULD BE SO MUCH QUICKER IF I LOST THE CUSHION." "Yeah." "Well, I mean, if we're gonna give Susan enough time to succeed, the little perishers need to believe in you, master." "No, I mean the Hogfather." "So, you got to look the part, master." "I tell you what would be really good to boost belief." "A public appearance!" "I DON'T NORMALLY DO THEM." "But the Hogfather is more of a public figure, master." "I tell you what, one good public appearance'll do more good than any amount of letting kids see you by accident." "REALLY?" "And I know just the place." "Thank you very much." "Everything going well, Mr Parson?" "Yes, Mr Crumley." "Jolly good." "LET'S GO, SLEIGH THEM." "I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED, ALBERT," "BUT THAT WAS A PUNE, OR PLAY ON WORDS." "Ho, ho, ho, sir." "Stop that!" "Stop that!" "You're frightening the little kiddies!" "Wow, they've got tusks!" "Cool!" "Hey, look, that one's doing a wee!" "It's the Campaign for Equal Heights that've done this, isn't it!" "They're out to ruin me!" "That's it!" "I don't mind the smell of oranges and the damp trousers but I ain't putting up with this." "And he's not even doin' it right!" "What's going on here, then?" "Eh?" "Come on!" "Who are you?" "You can call me Uncle Heavy." "You're not a pixie!" "Nah, I'm a fairy cobbler, mister!" "Quiet!" "AND WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR HOGSWATCH, SMALL HUMAN?" "They're autobiographies, writing down everything that happens to you, as it happens." "I know." "I used to live here, remember?" "But I can't read this." "The letters are all... odd." "So, I suppose, now you'll be wanting my words of occult wisdom." "Ethereal runes." "The Hogfather is not human, after all." "I suppose a bit of warm liver is out of the question?" "On the second day of Hogswatch, I sent my true love back" "A nasty little letter, and a partridge in a pear tree." "What's the game then?" "Small-time thief, are you?" "You ain't supposed to be able to see me!" "I'm a wizard!" "We can see things that are really there, you know." "What's in this bag?" "You'll really wish you hadn't, mister." "Will I?" "What're you doing here, young man?" "Well, you know the Tooth Fairy?" "It's sort of like the same business." "What?" "You take things away?" "Not take away, as such." "More sort of bring." "Ah..." "like new teeth." "Like new verrucas." "I saw your piggie do a wee." "OH." "ER..." "GOOD." "It had a great, big..." "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR HOGSWATCH?" "She wants a—" "I want an army." "And a big castle with an active drawbridge." "And a sword." "They're supposed to say thank you." "ARE YOU SURE?" "PEOPLE DON'T, NORMALLY." "No, I meant to the Hogfather, which is you, right!" "Sorry." "YES, OF COURSE." "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY THANK YOU." "'enk you." "AND BE GOOD." "THIS IS PART OF THE ARRANGEMENT." "Yes." "THEN WE HAVE A CONTRACT." "Verrucas, eh?" "Wish I knew why!" "You mean you don't know?" "No." "Suddenly I wake up and I'm the Verruca Gnome." "Strange." "Anyway, amazing bathroom, ain't it?" "It's got a special pot for your toenail clippings." "A special pot for toenail clippings?" "Oh, can't be too careful." "Get hold of something like somebody's nail clipping, hair, teeth..." "You got them under your control." "I mean, that's real old magic." "Children of the world, prepare to take a short tour." "Mr Sideney!" "Your big, no-misjudgements magic moment." "You can't give her that!" "That's not safe." "IT'S A SWORD." "THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE." "She's a child!" "IT'S EDUCATIONAL." "What if she cuts herself?" "THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON." "REALLY?" "OH, WELL." "IT'S NOT FOR ME TO ARGUE, I SUPPOSE." "And she doesn't want all that other stuff." "She's a girl!" "And anyway, I can't afford big posh stuff like that." "I THOUGHT I GAVE IT AWAY." "–You do?" "–You do?" "You don't!" "That's our Merchandise!" "You don't just give it away!" "Hogswatch isn't about giving everything away!" "I mean, yes, you do give things away, but you have to buy them first!" "You mean this is all free?" "It... would seem to be." "So, Mr Stibbons." "This thing is a great, big artificial brain, then." "You could think of it like that." "Of course, Hex doesn't actually think." "Not as such." "It just appears to be thinking." "Amazing." "You mean it gives the impression of thinking, but really it's just a show." "Er, yes." "So it's like everyone else, then." "I knew I'd come here for something." "Now, this here chappie is the Verruca Gnome." "Who's just popped into existence to be with us on Hogswatchnight." "The most magical night of the year." "Last year's occult rubbish piling' up." "I just thought you fellows might check up on this." "Verruca Gnome?" "Makes about as much sense as anything else, doesn't it?" "After all, there's a Tooth Fairy, ain't there?" "Makes on wonder why there's a God of Wine and not a God of Hangovers?" "Anyone hear that noise just then?" "Sorry, Archchancellor?" "Sort of glingleglingleglingle?" "Like a lot of tinkly bells?" "Didn't hear anything like that, sir." "Oh." "Well, where was I?" "So, no one's ever seen a Verruca Gnome until tonight." "I've never heard of me until tonight, and I'm me." "We'll see what Hex can find out, Archchancellor." "Good man." "Amazing." "Now we should be able to get to the bottom of all this." "None of this is right." "Everyone knows he's just a jolly, old, fat man who hands out presents to kids." "–He wasn't always so jolly." "You know how it is." "–Do I?" "That's like, you know, industrial retraining." "Even gods have to move with the times." "You see, your Hogfather was probably just your basic winter demi-urge." "You know, blood on the snow, making the sun come up." "So there has to be blood to make the sun come up?" "Starts off with animal sacrifice, y'know, hunt some big hairy animal to death, that kind of stuff." "Very folkloric, very mythic." "Can't stop an animal, never." "They've had sacred paints, the strongest and the best." "Died on the dark time of the year to give life to the unconquered sun." "And, in a way, the Hogfather was all of it." "And then?" "And then some bright spark thought, hey, looks like that damn sun comes up anyway, so how come we're giving those druids all this free grub?" "The world moves on, and he's got to find a new job." "So it started as an animal sacrifice to make the sun come up." "Exactlimondo!" "And now, he gives out presents." "Top of the evening, squire." "I am Corporal Nobbs of the Watch." "And this is Constable Visit, sir." "I want you to arrest him!" "Arrest who, sir?" "The Hogfather!" "What for, sir?" "He's sitting up there as bold as brass in his Grotto, giving away presents!" "Not quite up to speed here, sir." "I thought the Hogfather is supposed to give away stuff, isn't he?" "But this one is an impostor!" "Y'know, I always thought that." "I thought, the Hogfather spends two weeks in a wooden grotto in some shop in Ankh-Morpork?" "At his busy time, too?" "Not likely." "He's not the Hogfather we usually have!" "You mean, a different impostor?" "Not the real impostor at all?" "Yes!" "..." "No!" "–Arrest the Hogfather, style of thing?" "–Yes!" "–On Hogswtach night?" "–Yes!" "For giving away present?" "–In front of all these kiddies?" "–Yes!" "–In your shop?" "–Ye... you think it might look a bit... bad?" "Difficult to see how it could look good, sir." "Could you not do it surreptitiously?" "Oh, well, yes... surreptition." "Yes, we could give that a try..." "You won't find me ungrateful." "In Omnia, we call the Hogswatch night the Fast of St Ossory." "But it is not an occasion for superstition and crass commercialism." "I used to hang up my stocking every Hogswatch, regular." "All that ever happened that my dad was sick in it once." "I'm going in." "There seems to be a thaumic surge from somewhere." "It's as if something is triggering random bursts of stray belief." "IT'S THE EXPRESSION ON THEIR LITTLE FACES I LIKE." "Yeah." "The sort of cross between fear and awe." "Not knowing whether to laugh or cry or wet their pants." "YES." "NOW THAT IS WHAT I CALL BELIEF." "NEXT!" "AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME, LITTLE..." "PERSON?" "Nobby Nobbs, Hogfather." "AND HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BO..." "A GOOD DWA..." "A GOOD GNO..." "A GOOD INDIVIDUAL?" "'es." "So why isn't it working?" "The chalk, just got a bit scuffed when we were piling up the... things." "You sure that's what it is?" "What about the spell?" "Oh, that'll go on for ever." "The simple ones do." "It's just a state change, powered by the... it just keeps going." "That's very good, Mr Sideney." "Because if the sympathetic magic does not work, you'll find me very... unsympathetic." "What happened?" "What happened?" "This is disgusting, this whole business." "It is the worship of idols!" "It's a genuine Burleigh and Stronginthearm doubleaction triple-cantilever crossbow with a polished walnut stock and silver engraved facings." "Aren't we going to arrest this impostor, corporal?" "You're foreign, Washpot." "I can't expect you to know the real meaning of Hogswatch." "ON THE WHOLE, I THINK THAT WENT VERY WELL, DON'T YOU?" "Yes, master." "AND I THINK I'VE GOT THE LAUGH WORKING REALLY WELL NOW." "HO!" "HO!" "HO!" "Yes, sir, very jolly." "Tomorrow morning, they'll believe, all right." "THEY'D BETTER." "BECAUSE IF THEY DON'T..." "THEN THERE WON'T BE A TOMORROW MORNING." "So for the sun to come up tomorrow morning, the Hogfather has to be alive." "Precisemento." "What if he's dead?" "And this was going to be your big moment." "It's him!" "Such a shame!" "Pretty lights..." "Think happy, Banjo." "Wake up!" "Wake up!" "You got to find the Hogfather!" "He was at the Castle of Bones." "You're not the Hogfather!" "There must be thousands here." "And what's all this stuff?" "'s just paper." "They're title deeds for properties." "And they're better than money." "If we steal them, do they become ours?" "Is that a trick question?" "Anyway, let's get going." "He won't miss a few—" "Gentlemen." "We were just... piling up the stuff." "I know people say I'd kill them as soon as look at them." "And in fact I'd much rather kill you than look at you, Mr Lilywhite." "You're thinking that Banjo is going to help you." "That's how it's always been, isn't it?" "But Banjo is my friend now." "Banjo has the heart of a little child." "I believe I have, too." "Help them, Banjo." "As far as this goes, I really have no use for it." "It's only pillow money." "Something much more..." "interesting has become apparent." "Albert." "I don't see the Hogfather as someone who rolls his own." "Drop him." "Control!" "Control the inner child, and he'll even give you his teeth." "And somewhere in this tower, you can help me find someone, who can use it." "Who can use it to... give me the world." "So what said, take the money and go?" "Don't be so bloody stupid." "Daddy?" "I say, it's not what you think!" "Yes, it is." "Mr Brown!" "There's one door you haven't found." "Find the Tooth Fairy's secret room." "And when he does... then just think, what I can make the kiddies think." "Are you all right?" "I wish I was dead." "I think you may have come to the right place." "–Oh, my head..." "–Are you the Hogf...?" "I feel awful." "Have you got any ice?" "DUTY CALLS." "Yeah, but which one?" "That one or this one?" "Happy Hogswatch, everybody!" "Yet to come, on Hogfather:" "Happy Hogswatch!" "Very well, I've unlocked it." "And Banjo's opened it." "IF WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE TOOTH FAIRY'S CASTLE IS NOT STOPPED," "THEN EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN DOING IS A WASTE OF TIME." "AND IF THEY GET TO THE TOOTH FAIRY," "THEY WILL BE ABLE TO CONTROL ALL HUMAN BELIEF." "Mr Brown, break me up the real Tooth Fairy." "UNLESS SUSAN GETS THERE FIRST." "I need your help, Mr Ridcully." "Do you know exactly what's in here, Mr Teatime?" "Something nasty is happening tonight." "I'm hoping he can tell me what it is, but he's got to be able to think straight first." "And you've brought him here?" "He is the Oh God of Hangovers." "I wish you fellows would show some backbone!" "–My grandfather is Death." "–Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." "This is fascinating." "You must think I was born yesterday, Mr Teacup." "I'm leaving, right?" "With what's coming to me." "And you ain't stopping me." "What is the geographical location of the Tooth Fairy's Castle?" "You're creepy." "Your eye's weird." "Then let's see how creepy I can be." "Who the hell are you?" "I'M THE HOGFATHER, OF COURSE." "ER..." "HO, HO, HO." "YES, THIS WILL SHOW." "You are not allowed to do that." "THERE'S NO BETTER PRESENT THAN THE FUTURE." "Belief's causing new creatures to appear." "Is there a problem?" "I HAVE A TASK FOR YOU, THINKING ENGINE." "BELIEVE IN THE HOGFATHER!" "DO YOU BELIEVE?" "ANSWER!" "YOU MUST BRING THE HOGFATHER HOME!" "I'm going to have such fun with this." "So light." "You wouldn't dare use it." "My grandfather will come after you." "He comes after everyone." "He's very single-minded." "I'll be ready for him." "This is a hell of a way to spend Hogswatch." "It was the night before Hogswatch." "Up, Gouger!" "Up, Rooter!" "Up Tusker!" "Up, Snouter!" "Giddyup!" "But while children everywhere sleep fitfully in the belief that a jolly, fat man is about to deliver their presents," "not necessarily everyone is entering into the Hogswatch spirit." "Good evening, Lord Downey." "We offer you a commission." "You wish someone inhumed?" "Brought to an end." "As for the who, let us call him... the Fat Man." "If you don't believe in the Hogfather, there won't be any presents." "Thought so." "Is Mr Teatime still in the building?" "It's pronounced Te-ah-tim-eh, sir." "The dog seems to like you." "I get on well with animals, sir." "As a matter of interest, how would you go about inhuming this gentleman?" "If he's supposed to be getting rid of the Hogfather, why is he going to the Tooth Fairy's castle?" "ALBERT." "SOMETHING HERE IS NOT RIGHT." "–Does he believe in things like the Tooth Fairy?" "–Even the Hogfather." "'Cause after we're finished here, not even he will." "It's a very enemy-friendly spell, sir." "THE HOGFATHER." "OH, DEAR." "ALBERT?" "WE MAY NOT HAVE MUCH TIME." "ONWARDS, BINKY, TO THE HOGFATHER'S CASTLE OF BONES." "–All of them?" "–Every last one." "–Put 'em in a pile?" "–That's millions." "APPLESAUCE." "OH, YES." "AND..." "HO, HO, HO." "Grandfather?" "So what have you turned up for?" "And if it's for business reasons, I will add, then that outfit is in extremely poor taste." "THE HOGFATHER IS UNAVAILABLE." "At Hogswatch?" "HE IS GONE." "Susan will try to find out what this is all about." "YOU MIGHT THINK I'VE ALREADY THOUGHT OF THAT," "BUT I COULDN'T POSSIBLY COMMENT." "Get hold of something like somebody's nail clippings, hair, teeth..." "You got them under your control." "Children of the world, prepare to take a short tour." "The Hogfather." "Grandfather, what've you done?" "SO MANY CHIMNEYS." "I mean, if we're gonna give Susan enough time to succeed, the little perishers need to believe in you, master." "No, I mean the Hogfather." "So, you got to look the part!" "What's going on here, then?" "Eh?" "It's as if something is triggering random bursts of stray belief." "IT'S THE EXPRESSION ON THEIR LITTLE FACES I LIKE." "Yeah." "The sort of cross between fear and awe." "Not knowing whether to laugh or cry or wet their pants." "YES." "NOW THAT IS WHAT I CALL BELIEF." "Pretty lights..." "You're not the Hogfather!" "Daddy?" "Wake up!" "Wake up!" "You got to find the Hogfather!" "He was at the Castle of Bones." "Happy Hogswatch, everybody!" "–It's not what you think!" "–Yes, it is." "Are you the Hogf...?" "Everything starts somewhere, although many physicists disagree." "There is the constant desire to find out where, where is the point where it all began?" "But much, much later than that the Discworld was formed." "Drifting onwards through space atop four elephants on the shell of a giant turtle the great A'tuin." "It was sometime after its creation when most people forgot that the very oldest stories at the beginning are, sooner or later, about blood." "At least, that's one theory." "The philosopher Didactylos has suggested an alternative hypothesis:" ""things just happen, what the hell."" "Our story began in Ankh-Morpork, the twin city of proud Ankh and pestilent Morpork, the biggest city in Discworld." "A city, where magic is just another job and where the Tower of Art of the Unseen University for wizards looms over all the dark, narrow streets below." "Our story continues in the middle of the night before Hogswatch, a mid-winter festival, which, for some reason, bears a remarkable similarity to your Christmas." "But now it takes us to the Tooth Fairy's castle, where magic's made children's teeth perilously powerful." "So that our story is, much sooner rather than later, about blood." "Mr Teatime!" "Very well, I've unlocked it." "And Banjo's opened it." "I'm not telling you anything!" "Who are you, anyway?" "I'm glad you've asked!" "I'm your worst nightmare!" "You mean... the one with the giant cabbage and the kind of whirring knife thing?" "Sorry, no." "Not that one." "I'm the one where this man comes out of nowhere and kills you stone dead." "Oh, that one." "But that's not very..." "Rather a charitable act there, I feel." "But it is nearly Hogswatch, after all." "Bring me the girl." "ODD." "It's a scythe job, then?" "They took the teeth!" "All of them!" "They just walked in, and... no, wait!" "Where did he come from?" "A PLACE I CANNOT GO." "Well, even if we could go there, we've got hard work out here, keeping the Hogfather's seat warm." "IF WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE TOOTH FAIRY'S CASTLE ISN'T STOPPED," "THEN EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN DOING IS A WASTE OF TIME." "AND IF THEY GET TO THE TOOTH FAIRY," "THEY WILL BE ABLE TO CONTROL ALL HUMAN BELIEF." "UNLESS SUSAN GETS THERE FIRST." "Yes, well, it's coming along well." "Very impressive!" "Well done." "I need your help, Mr Ridcully." "I, err... you're..." "Yes." "The scythe, the cloak, the white horse, the granddaughter." "I need you to wake him up." "His name's Bilious." "He's the Oh-God of Hangovers." "Something nasty's happening tonight." "I'm hoping he can tell me what it is." "But he's got to be able to think straight first." "And you brought him here?" "Why are you doing that?" "I mean, I was a bit behind with the teeth, I know— –Is this her door?" "–Don't know, there was $13 in pillow money..." "–Is this her door?" "I admit, but I signed the form GV19 for them..." "Will you just shut up and answer the question?" "I don't know, I've never been here before." "Then your boss probably doesn't realise how irritating you are." "Come out, come out, wherever you are!" "Or Miss Bottler gets it." "S'that good, I g'it!" "Have you got the lid?" "THIS IS REALLY, REALLY STUPID." "I think the tradition got started when everyone had them big chimneys, master." "INDEED?" "IT'S ONLY A MERCY IT'S UNLIT." "THE BOY WANTS A PAIR OF TROUSERS THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE TO SHARE," "A HUGE MEAT PIE, A SUGAR MOUSE, 'A LOT OF TOYS' AND A PUPPY CALLED SCRUFF." "Ah, sweet." "I shall wipe away a tear, 'cos what he's gettin', see, is this little wooden toy and an apple." "BUT THE LETTER CLEARLY—" "I know, it's the socio-economic factors." "The world'd be in a hell of a mess if everyone got what they asked for, eh?" "I GAVE THEM WHAT THEY WANTED IN THE STORE." "What good's a god who gives you everything you want?" "YOU HAVE ME THERE." "It's the hope that's important." "It's a big part of belief, hope." "Give people jam today and they'll just sit and eat it." "Jam tomorrow, now— that'll keep them going for ever." "AND YOU MEAN THAT BECAUSE OF THIS THE POOR GET POOR THINGS" "AND THE RICH GET RICH THINGS?" "Oh, yeah." "That's the meaning of Hogswatch, isn't it, master?" "BUT I'M THE HOGFATHER!" "AT THE MOMENT, I MEAN." "Well, it makes no difference." "I remember when I was a nipper, it was one Hogswatch." "I had my heart set on this huge model horse in this shop." "It was what I always wanted." "Someone was in there buying it." "And you know, just for a second," "I thought it really was going to be for me." "But it wasn't." "I spent hours with my nose pressed up against the window, until someone heard me callin', and unfroze me." "Yes, I would've killed for that horse." "But I still hung up my stocking on Hogswatch Eve." "You know why?" "Because I had hope!" "And the next morning, our dad's put in my stocking a little wooden horse, that he carved his very own self." "AH, AND THAT WAS WORTH MORE THAN ALL THE EXPENSIVE TOY HORSES IN THE WORLD!" "No, 'cause you're a selfish little bugger when you're seven." "Only grown-ups think like that." "THIS IS WRONG." "IT IS..." "UNFAIR." "That's life, is it, master, isn't it?" "BUT I'M NOT." "THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY." "AND OTHER THINGS ENDING IN" "OLLY." "Please, just take her out of vocal range." "Mr Brown!" "Your big moment." "Break me up the real Tooth Fairy." "If you're the Lecturer in Recent Runes, can't you do something more magical?" "Well, Spold's Unstirring Divisor would do it." "You'd end up with a large beaker filled with all the nastiness." "Not difficult at all, if you don't mind the side effects." "Tell me about the side effects." "The main one is that the rest of him would end up in a somewhat larger beaker." "Alive?" "Broadly, yes." "Living tissue, certainly." "And definitely sober." "Why don't we just mix up absolutely everything and see what happens?" "It's gonna be worth a try." "Thank you, Modo." "Is this going to take much longer?" "We may not have much time." "Oh, you can't be too careful." "What's that?" "Wow-Wow Sauce." "The hottest sauce in the Universe." "And it will blow your head clean off." "It's not safe to drink it when the sweat's still condensing on the bottle." "On the other hand, if it's a kill-or-cure remedy then we are, given the possibility that the patient is immortal, probably on to a winner." "It did not go critical yet." "I don't know, I wish you fellows would show some backbone..." "Careful, Archchancellor." "What you have there might represent pure sobriety!" "I'll try it." "You did say that he was immortal, didn't you?" "–You mean... he just appeared?" "–Yes." "He has no memory of existing before appearing at the Hogfather's castle." "You mean like this fella?" "Don't be ridiculous, gods and gnomes don't just appear for no reason!" "Bring me, let's see, twenty pints of lager, some pepper vodka, and a bottle of cofee liquor." "I didn't have you sobered up just so that you can go on a binge." "You don't drink!" "–I don't?" "Oh." "Yeah." "I need you to help me!" "I'm afraid I did it, didn't I?" "I said something to young Stibbons about drinking and hangovers." "You mean you created him just like that?" "I find that very hard to believe, master." "Good job nobody mentioned the Hair Loss Fairy, then." "I am not losing my hair!" "It is just very finely spaced." "Yes, half on your head and half on your hairbrush!" "For the last time, I am not..." "I wish I knew where that was coming from." "We need a bigger brain for this." "That thinking engine of yours is working, Ponder?" "Hex is resting, Archchancellor." "Can you hear me in there⁈" "You don't have to shout, Archchancellor." "What is that glingleglingleglingle noise all about?" "It says, look on the Dean." "Over the Dean?" "Is there a problem?" "Are you the Hair Loss Fairy?" "Apparently." "What have you been doing with my hair?" "Just a minute!" "Where exactly were you, before I found you in the snow?" "Anywhere where drink was consumed in beastly quantities some time previously, you could say." "So, you were an immanent vital force, eh?" "Oh, sounds great!" "What is that?" "So when we joked about the Hair Loss Fairy it suddenly focused on the Dean's head." "You're calling things into being." "I personally always wondered, if there was an Eater of Socks." "You know how there's always one missing." "To the laundry!" "Tell me again, who these people are." "Some of the cleverest men in the world." "And I'm sober, am I?" "What is that ridiculous thing on your head?" "I dunno, sir!" "What?" "What is it?" "It says here, 'lf found, please return to the Tooth Fairy's castle.'" "At least the Tooth Fairy already existed." "Tooth Fairy..." "Oh, you see her around a lot these days." "Or them, rather." "It's a sort of franchise operation to collect children's teeth in exchange for money." "And she has a castle?" "She sounds great." "Actually, I do remember one thing." "When I appeared at the Hogfather's house, there was this drunken little fellow in a pointy hat." "I thought it was just the drink talking, but he did mention something about..." "Permanent end of the patrol-servitude for the little elves!" "Of all fantasy personifications." "...including the Tooth Fairy." "Where did you find this?" "Is he all right?" "I say, what is the geographical location of the Tooth Fairy's castle?" "Now I'm feeling all well." "Can I come with you?" "This is not a normal situation." "Look, I think I better tell you." "My grandfather is Death." "–Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." "Death." "You know, Death?" "The robes, the scythe, the white horse, bones..." "Death." "But at the moment he's acting rather strange." "I just want to make sure I got this clear." "You think your grandfather is Death, and you think he's acting strange." "Look, Death adopted my mother." "He then took on a human apprentice." "They fell in love, and I'm the result." "This is fascinating." "Let's just say I've picked up a few, strange genetic knacks along the way." "Oh, that looks dangerous." "I hope so." "Wait, I could help you!" "Would you be any good in a fight?" "Yes, I could be sick on people!" "I have to sort this out." "Can't have creatures popping into existence just by people talking about them." "Unhygienic." "So what is this implied creation, eh?" ""Humans have always ascribed random, seasonal, natural or inexplicable actions to human shaped entities." "Such examples are the Hogfather, the Tooth Fairy and Death."" "All right, but I'm damn sure there's never been an Eater of Socks or an Οh-God of Hangovers." "I think it works like this:" "What we're getting is personification of forces, just like Hex said." "Like the Hogfather?" "When you're a kiddie, it's as good an explanation, as any to where the presents come from." "Why is it happening now?" ""Belief's causing new creatures to appear"?" "You could put it like that." ""There's a finite quantitiy of belief in the Universe"?" "Certainly, people're going to believe only in so many things." ""It follows that if a major focus of belief is removed, there would be spare belief."" "What are people not believing in all of a sudden?" ""Out of cheese error?" "Melon, melon, melon." "Redo from start!"" "It's Hogswatch." "I suppose the Hogfather is around, isn't he?" "I LIKE THIS JOB." "Oh dear, oh dear." "EXCUSE ME." "YES." "THIS WILL SHOW." "The poor little match girls dying in the snow is all part of the spirit of Hogswatch, master." "You see, people hear about it, and they say:" "'we might be as poor as a disabled banana, and only can afford to eat mud and boots, but see how much better off we are than the poor little match girl?" "'" "It makes them feel happy and grateful for what they've got." "I KNOW WHAT THE SPIRIT OF HOGSWATCH IS, ALBERT." "You're not allowed to do that!" "THE HOGFATHER CAN." "THE HOGFATHER GIVES PRESENTS." "THERE IS NO BETTER PRESENT THAN A FUTURE." "That's it." "I had enough with this pixie life." "I'm waiting for the Hogfather." "I'm in the dark, waiting for the Hogfather." "Me." "A believer in natural philosophy." "I can find the square root of 27.4 in my head." "I shouldn't be doing this." "It's not as if I've hung a stocking up." "There'd be some point if..." "TAKE HER SOMEWHERE WARM, AND GIVE HER A GOOD DINNER." "AND I MAY WELL BE CHECKING ON LATER." "Looks like we've been chosen to do a bit of charity." "Well, I don't call it very charitable just dumping someone on people, like this." "I dunno." "Some people wouldn't know the real meaning of Hogswatch if it jumps up and caught them in the grope." "No!" "This is a child's painting." "Twyla paints like that." "I painted like that." "Grandfather saved some of my draw—" "Come on, let's find the house." "What house?" "There's always a house." "I was told you're the best locksmith in the city." "Yes, but locks normally don't alter themselves while you're working on them, that's what I'm saying." "Are you the best, or not?" "No!" "Not the dark!" "Banjo!" "I'm getting out of here." "There's something wrong with this place." "I've made a big pile!" "You want to come with me?" "Pretty here." "Mr Sideney." "Would he deliver to apes earlier than to humans?" "Interesting point, sir." "Possibly, you are referring to my theory that humans may have descended from apes." "A bold hypothesis, which, if the grants committee could just see their way clear to letting me hire a boat, and sail around... to the islands..." "I just thought, he might deliver alphabetically." "LET ME SEE NOW..." "Who the hell are you?" "I'M THE HOGFATHER, OF COURSE." "ER..." "HO, HO, HO." "You look extremely thin in the face." "I'M..." "I'M A BIT ILL." "Terminally, I would say." "It's a false beard!" "NO, IT'S NOT!" "It's got hooks for the ears!" "That must have given you a spot of trouble." "A pillow!" "I thought there were seven locks." "Yes, but they're half magic and half real and half not there." "There's parts of them that don't exist all the time!" "I thought you could open any lock anyone ever made." "Made by humans, And most dwarfs." "I dunno what made these." "You never said anything about magic." "That's a shame." "Then really I have no more need of your services." "You may as well go back home." "What about my money?" "Of course, you should get what you deserve." "You must think I was born yesterday, Mr Teacup." "I'm leaving, right?" "With what's coming to me." "And you ain't stopping me." "Banjo certainly ain't." "I knew his old Ma in the good old days." "You think you're nasty?" "You think you're mean?" "Ma Lilywhite'd tear your ears off and spit 'em in your eye, you cocky little devil." "I remember you when you was little, Banjo." "I used to sit you on my knees!" "Banjo!" "There you are." "Where do all those shadows coming from?" "It's giving me the creeps!" "And it's all your fault!" "Oh, yeah?" "So it wasn't you who said, wow, ten thousand dollars, count me in?" "Yeah, but I didn't know there was going to be all this creepy stuff!" "I want to go home!" "You're acting like a child!" "Poor guy must've slipped." "Yeah." "He slipped." "That's the Tooth Fairy's castle?" "It's teeth." "And I should be scared?" "There's nothing that scary about teeth." "Did I say I was scared?" "I must just be hung over, again." "–Oh, no." "–They're only teeth?" "Surely, noone would try to..." "What is that?" "It's such old magic, it isn't even magic anymore." "If you've got a piece of someone's hair, nail clipping or tooth, you can control them." "Don't tell me someone is... –What's that shadow?" "–This place is alive." "And it's protecting itself." "Now, what happened to the other fellow?" "WELL, THE HOGFATHER HAS ENEMIES." "What'd he do?" "Miss a chimney?" "There's people down there, Mr Teatime!" "Well, just do away with them." "One of them is a girl." "Then do away with them... politely." "Keep going." "Quicker." "Aaah!" "It's after me!" "Let me out!" "What was that?" "It's finding their nightmares." "Let me out!" "It's after me!" "Pull yourself together." "There's nothing chasing you." "I thought it was the... wardrobe." "What wardrobe?" "When I was a kid, we had this big... wardrobe." "And it had this... on the door..." "it had this face!" "And at night it..." "whispered things." "Who's that moving up there?" "I think they saw us." "If they are tooth fairies, there has been a really stupid equal opportunity policy." "Right." "You go that way, I this way." "–Why don't we stay together?" "–What's got into you?" "This is a children's place." "The rules are what children believe." "Well, that's a relief." "You think so?" "It's impossible to die here." "My grandfather doesn't figure in a child world." "That man who fell down the stairs looked pretty dead to me." "Oh, you die." "But not here." "You..." "let's see... yes." "You go somewhere else." "Away." "–Aren't you Sus—?" "–Yes." "When you came for Twyla's last tooth, you were so shocked I could see you." "Look, we may not have a lot of time." "Is this the Tooth Fairy?" "A tooth fairy." "Do you drink at all?" "No, I don't." "Not touch alcohol, at all?" "Never." "My dad's very strict about that sort of thing." "Nice castle!" "Can we get on?" "Good." "Who brought you here, Violet?" "I don't know." "Oh, but he's dressed like an assassin!" "OK." "You two stay here, I'll go find him." "And I'll look after Violet." "That's the fourth lock, open." "I commend your expertise." "And the others?" "Do you know exactly what's in here, Mr Teatime?" "Logically, she's the guardian of children's beliefs." "And this is her castle." "And I come across a securely locked door as this, and not to thoroughly investigate would... lack elegance." "What's that sound?" "What sound?" "That sound!" "Like old..." "scissors, grating." "HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE AUDITORS?" "I suppose the Bursar might have done." "NOT AUDITORS OF MONEY." "AUDITORS OF REALITY." "THEY'RE THE CIVIL SERVICE OF EVERYTHING." "And they want to get rid of us." "THEY WANT HUMANS TO BE LESS CREATIVE." "THE HOGFATHER IS A SYMBOL OF THIS." "STRANGE THINKING." "THEY HATE THE WAY HUMANS MAKE UP STORIES ABOUT THE UNIVERSE." "I can't think why." "Anyway, why are you doing this job?" "SOMEONE MUST." "IT IS VITALLY IMPORTANT." "BEFORE DAWN, THERE MUST BE ENOUGH BELIEF IN THE HOGFATHER." "Why?" "SO THAT THE SUN WILL COME UP." "I SELDOM JOKE." "What sort of goding do you do?" "Well, I'm the Oh God of Hangovers." "A God of Hangovers?" "How awful." "You're more cut out to be one of those improtant gods." "What's this?" "Lovers' Lane?" "You leave him alone, you!" "He's a god!" "Dear me, out of thunderbolts, are we?" "Well, y'know, I've never killed a..." "What's the matter?" "It's just a wardrobe, yes." "I don't want to see!" "I don't want to see!" "Hex was right, Archchancellor." "HEX?" "WHO IS HEX?" "He's the biggest thinker in the world." "I WOULD LIKE TO MEET THIS MR HEX." "Quite a large thaumic reading, gentlemen." "I think he got here by magic." "THEY SAY YOU ARE THE BIGGEST THINKER IN THE WORLD." "BUT DO YOU ALSO BELIEVE?" "+++ Yes +++" "EXTEND LOGICALLY THE RESULT OF THE HUMAN RACE CEASING TO BELIEVE IN THE HOGFATHER." "WILL THE SUN COME UP?" "ANSWER." "+++The Sun Will Not Come Up+++" "CORRECT." "HOW MAY THIS BE PREVENTED?" "ANSWER." "+++Regular and Consistent Belief+++" "GOOD." "I HAVE A TASK FOR YOU, THINKING ENGINE." "BELIEVE IN THE HOGFATHER." "DO YOU BELIEVE?" "ANSWER." "DO YOU BELIEVE?" "ANSWER!" "+++YES+++" "GOOD." "...OH, NO... +++Dear Hogfather, for Hogswatch I want..." "LET ME SEE." "HOW OLD ARE YOU?" "AND HAVE YOU BEEN NAUGHTY, OR NICE?" "Hello." "Well, well, well." "What have we here?" "Bone handle, rather tasteless skull and bone decoration..." "Death himself's second favourite weapon." "Am I right?" "Oh, my." "It must be Hogswatch." "This must mean that you are Susan." "The famous granddaughter." "Nobility." "I'd bow, but I'm afraid you would do something... dreadful." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Left-handed using a wooden pick!" "It's simple." "Ah, Mr Teatime!" "I've managed to open the fifth lock." "No problem!" "It's just based on Woddeley's Occult Sequence." "How do you know who I am?" "Easy." "Twurp's Peerage." "Family motto: 'Non temetis messor'." "Your father was well known." "Went a long way very fast." "As for your grandfather... honestly, that motto. 'Fear Not The Reaper'." "Is that good taste?" "Of course, you don't need to fear him, do you?" "Or do you?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "Who are you, anyway?" "I beg your pardon." "My name is Teatime, Jonathan Teatime." "At your service." "You mean..." "like around four o'clock in the afternoon?" "No." "I did say Teh-ah-tim-eh." "Please don't try to break my concentration by annoying me." "How are you getting on, Mr Sideney?" "If it's just according to Woddeley's sequence, number six should be copper and blue-green light." "Do you think your grandfather will try to rescue you?" "But now I have his sword, you see." "I wonder..." "All fingers and thumbs, Mr Sideney?" "I've managed to open the sixth lock, Mr Teatime." "Really?" "But it may not be all important now." "Thank you, anyway." "You've been most helpful." "Yes, you may go." "Is that all you're here for?" "A robbery?" "Like a petty thief." "A thief?" "Me?" "I'm not a thief, madam." "No, these gentlemen are thieves." "That's Medium Dave and exhibit B is Banjo." "He can talk!" "–Who are you?" "–I'm incognito!" "Look like a wizard to me." "Did you suck your thumb when you were litle?" "No!" "That's the Scissor Man!" "Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!" "Kids believe all kinds of crap!" "But I'm a grown up now, right." "No more Hogfather." "And that's only the start." "I'll be able to make people believe anything I want." "What's this?" "You said no more Hogfather?" "He does know what we've been doing here, doesn't he?" "You did tell him?" "There's gotta be a Hogfather." "There's always a Hogfather." "She did it!" "She killed him!" "No, I didn't!" "–Did!" "–Didn't!" "–Did!" "–Didn't!" "–Did!" "What's this about the Hogfather?" "I don't think he's dead, but Teatime has made him very ill." "Who cares?" "When this is over, Banjo, you'll have as many presents as you want." "Trust me." "There has to be a Hogfather, or there's no Hogswatch!" "It's just another solar festival!" "Banjo and me are going." "Bajo!" "You're coming with me, right now." "Grab her, Banjo." "It's all her fault." "Our Mom said, no hitting girls!" "No touching 'em, or pulling' their hair!" "She's not a girl." "She's a freak!" "I think I know you, Teatime." "You're the mad kid they're all scared of, right?" "Banjo!" "I said, grab her." "Our Mom said—" "The kid who didn't know the difference between chucking a stone at a cat, and setting it on fire." "Shut up!" "Get her, Banjo!" "The kind of little boy, who looks up dolls' dresses." "I didn't." "–Our Mom said— –Oh, to blazes with your mam!" "What'd you say about our mam?" "I bet no one wanted to played with you, not the kid with no friends." "Banjo!" "You do as I tell you." "Our... our mam... our mam said..." "Have you been a bad boy, Banjo⁈" "You've been letting him get into trouble again, eh, Davey?" "You have, ain't you!" "?" "No, Mom!" "No, Mom!" "You need a good hiding, Banjo?" "Sorry, sorry, Mom!" "You been playing with girls again⁈" "Sorry, sorry, Mom!" "No Mum no Mum no Mum nooooh Mum!" "Oh, no!" "I don't think so!" "This place gets into your head, doesn't it?" "It finds out how to deal with you." "But I'm in touch with my inner child." "It's so much fun." "No pulling' girls hair!" "That's bad!" "I'm going to have such fun with this!" "It's so light." "You wouldn't dare use it." "My grandfather will come after you!" "He comes after everyone." "He's very single-minded." "I'll be ready for him." "It doesn't work here." "There's no death here." "Hi, inner child!" "I'm the inner baby sitter!" "Happy Hogswatch!" "Is he dead?" "He's not breathing." "Breathing spell... breathing spell!" "Spolt's Forthright Respirator, perhaps." "I think I've got it written down somewhere..." "Come on, chaps!" "Give me some space." "Excuse me, excuse me!" "This is vitally important for the advancement of natural philosophy." "Did you see any bright lights?" "Was there a shining tunnel?" "Did any deceased—" "What's all this, Mr Stibbons?" "Put the damn quill away!" "This must be the Unseen University." "And you're all wizards." "There was a sword!" "Oh, yes." "It's fallen on the floor." "Did I do that?" "I really must be off." "He won't get far." "The main doors are locked in accordance with Archchancellor Spode's Rules." "Won't get far... while holding a sword that appears to be able to cut through anything." "You can get into trouble, hitting girls." "No playin' with girls." "What am I gonna do now?" "Hello, my dear." "No." "Sorry, dear?" "You're not the Tooth Fairy." "Oh, I am, dear." "Grandma, what big teeth you have." "You've even got a shawl." "Oh, dear." "I don't understand, lovely." "You forgot the rocking chair." "I always thought there'd be a rocking chair." "I don't think you're real." "It's not a little, old woman in a shawl, running this place." "You're out of my head." "That's how you defend yourself." "You poke around in people's head, and find the things that—" "No." "It's horrible, but it does not frighten me." "I like spiders." "Dogs, no." "I like rats, rats are fine." "Sorry, is anyone frightened of that?" "Help!" "I..." "I..." "You're a bogeyman, aren't you?" "Not 'a'." "The!" "The first Bogeyman!" "You look terrible." "Thank you very much." "I mean ill." "I used to jump out on them, and say:" "Boo!" "But then, I got to like them." "Only children were frigthened of me." "I mean, what's to be scared of?" "Bones, phoney arms..." "But then, I discovered that there are much worse things than me." "And I wanted to protect the children." "Get them safe from all the really bad things." "So, I built all this, to be a safe place." "And the teeth?" "If you leave all those teeth around, anything could happen!" "Anything nearly did." "So, you are the Tooth Fairy, then." "Yes." "I... and then they came... stealing." "I'm too weak to look after them any more." "You don't die here." "Just get old." "Listening to the laughter..." "Don't worry about the teeth." "I'll make them safe again." "I think it would be a good idea, if you did the Tooth Fairy's job, Banjo." "D'ya think that be all right?" "Won't the Tooth Fairy mind?" "You... do it until she comes back." "Who's gonna tell me what to do?" "Noone's ever going to tell you what to do again, Banjo." "Thanks, Miss." "I'll keep the teeth safe." "Ah, Miss?" "–Yes, Banjo?" "Can I have a puppy?" "I had a kitten, but our Mom drowned it 'cause it was dirty." "I think it will turn up quite soon, Banjo." "Thanks, Miss." "With Violet we talked about it and we thought we ought to come back and help." "It's okay." "They're all gone." "And Banjo needed a new job." "That's funny." "So does Bili!" "Why don't you two make yourselves useful, and help Banjo clear up this mess." "He's pretty much running the place now." "–But he's a— –He's in charge." "We'd love to help Banjo." "Together." "Good." "Have fun." "Now I'm going home." "This is a hell of a way to spend Hogswatch." "Grandfather, what're you doing here?" "IT IS NOT OVER." "YOU MUST BRING THE HOGFATHER HOME." "These look like the mountains where the Castle of Bones was." "THEY ARE." "–It's a pig!" "–A BOAR." "This boar is the..." "YES." "THE HOGFATHER, AS HE BEGAN." "And the dogs..." "THESE ARE NOT REAL DOGS." "IF THEY CATCH HIM, HE WON'T JUST DIE." "HE WILL NEVER BE." "Well, stop them!" "THIS IS A HUMAN THING." "THE AUDITORS ARE DESPERATE NOW." "THEY ARE DETERMINED TO DESTROY THE HOGFATHER," "AT WHATEVER COST." "YOU MUST SAVE HIM." "Come on, jump!" "Just you try it!" "Yes!" "Who wants some?" "Anyone else?" "HO, HO, HO." "YOU COULDN'T RESIST IT IN THE END." "A MISTAKE, I FANCY." "IT GETS UNDER YOUR SKIN, LIFE." "SPEAKING METAPHORICALLY, OF COURSE." "AND, YOU SEE, THE MORE YOU STRUGGLE FOR EVERY MOMENT," "THE MORE ALIVE YOU STAY." "WHICH IS WHERE I COME IN, AS A MATTER OF FACT." "You can't do this!" "There are rules!" "YES." "THERE ARE RULES." "BUT YOU BROKE THEM!" "HOW DARE YOU?" "HOW DARE YOU!" "?" "AND NOW, THERE REMAINS ONLY ONE FINAL QUESTION..." "HAVE YOU BEEN NAUGHTY, OR NICE?" "HO." "HO." "HO." "We saved you." "Dying isn't how it's supposed to go." "OH." "SORRY." "Well." "That about wraps it up for this dress." "I'd just like to ask, purely out of academic interest, you were sure I was going to survive, were you?" "I WAS QUITE CONFIDENT." "Good." "Now, tell me..." "WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU HADN'T SAVED HIM?" "Yes." "THE SUN WOULD NOT HAVE RISEN." "Then what would have happened?" "A MERE BALL OF FLAMING GAS WOULD HAVE ILLUMINATED THE WORLD." "All right, I'm not stupid." "You're saying that humans need fantasies to make life bearable." "NO." "HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN." "TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE." "With Tooth Fairies?" "Hogfathers?" "YES." "THAT'S PRACTICE." "YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES." "So we can believe the big ones?" "YES." "JUSTICE, MERCY, DUTY, THAT SORT OF THING." "They're not the same at all." "YOU THINK SO?" "THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER," "AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE," "AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE," "ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY." "AND YET..." "YOU TRY TO ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD." "AS IF THERE IS SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE," "BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED." "But people have got to believe that." "What's the point?" "YOU NEED TO BELIEVE IN THINGS THAT AREN'T TRUE." "HOW ELSE CAN THEY BECOME?" "WOULD YOU LIKE TO VISIT FOR HOGSWATCH DINNER?" "ALBERT IS FRYING A PUDDING." "I... er... they're really expecting me here." "Would you like a drink before you go?" "A CUP OF COCOA WOULD BE APPROPRIATE IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES." "Right." "There are biscuits in the tin on the mantlepiece." "Susan's got a poker, you know." "MY GOODNESS ME." "I thought all of you knew that by now." "INDEED." "Last week she picked a bogey up by its nose." "I'll give Gawain his stocking and then I'll come and watch." "SUSAN?" "Well, well, now this is unexpected." "A family affair?" "I wonder, is it possible to kill Death?" "This must be a very special sword." "And it certainly works here." "And of course, it might well not be regarded as murder." "Possibly it is a civic act." "It would be, as they say..." "the Big One." "You may have some personal knowledge about your vulnerability, but I'm pretty certain that Susan here would quite definitely die." "So I'd rather you didn't try any last-minute stuff." "I AM LAST MINUTE STUFF." "I don't remember them asking for anything that made a noise." "OH, THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING IN THE STOCKING THAT MAKES A NOISE." "OTHERWISE WHAT IS 4.30 A.M FOR?" "There are children?" "Oh yes, of course." "Call them!" "Certainly not." "It will be instructive." "Educational." "And when your adversary is Death, you cannot help but be the good guy." "Call them." "Gawain, Twyla!" "Come in, come in, curly-haired tots!" "I've caught this bogeyman." "What shall we do with him, eh?" "It's only a skeleton." "Yes, a nasty, creepy, horrible skeleton." "Scary, ah?" "He's eating a biscuit." "A creepy bony man in a black robe." "You're fidgeting with that kettle." "So I expect you're thinking of doing something creative." "Put it down, please." "Slowly." "Huh, that's not very creepy, it's just bones." "It's just standing there." "It's not even making woo-woo noises." "And anyway you're creepy." "Your eye's weird." "Really?" "Then let's see how creepy I can be." "Oh, no." "It could not have gone through you." "So many ribs, and things..." "It only kills monsters." "Stop time, now!" "You winked at me." "I thought you had a plan!" "INDEED, OH YES." "I PLANNED TO SEE WHAT YOU'D DO." "What?" "I DID ADD THE SPARKLY STARS AND THE NOISE, THOUGH." "I THOUGHT THEY WOULD BE APPROPRIATE." "And if I hadn't done anything?" "I DARESAY I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF SOMETHING." "AT THE LAST MINUTE." "That was the last minute." "THERE'S ALWAYS TIME FOR ANOTHER LAST MINUTE." "STOP PLAYING DEAD, MISTER TEH-AH-TIM-EH." "You got it right!" "OF COURSE." "I'LL TAKE THE BODY." "THAT WILL PREVENT INCONVENIENT QUESTIONS." "YOU DID KNOW THE POKER WOULD GO THROUGH ME?" "I was quite confident." "I'VE MADE THIS FOR YOU." "Thank you." "Er... what is it?" "ALBERT SAID THERE OUGHT TO BE SNOW ON IT," "BUT IT APPEARS TO HAVE MELTED." "IT IS, OF COURSE, A HOGSWATCH CARD." "THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A ROBIN ON IT AS WELL," "BUT I HAD CONSIDERABLE DIFFICULTY IN GETTING IT TO STAY ON." "IT WAS NOT AT ALL CO-OPERATIVE." "Really?" "IT DID NOT SEEM TO GET INTO THE HOGSWATCH SPIRIT AT ALL." "Thank you." "Granddad?" "YES?" "Why?" "I mean, why did you do all this?" "HUMAN BEINGS MAKE LIFE SO INTERESTING." "DO YOU KNOW THAT IN A UNIVERSE SO FULL OF WONDERS," "THEY'VE MANAGED TO INVENT BOREDOM?" "QUITE ASTONISHING." "WELL, THEN..." "HAPPY HOGSWATCH!" "Yes." "Granddad!" "Happy Hogswatch." "HAPPY HOGSWATCH, AND GOOD NIGHT, CHILDREN EVERYWHERE!" "Hello, hello!" "..." "YOU HAVE A BIG, WOODEN ROCKING HORSE IN THE WINDOW." "Yes, yes." "That's a special order for Lord Lotten..." "HOW MUCH WOULD HIS LORDSHIP HAVE PAID YOU?" "Twelve dollars." "I'LL GIVE YOU FIFTY." "Would you like me to wrap it up for you, sir?" "NO." "I'LL TAKE IT AS IT IS, THANK YOU." "INCIDENTALLY, THERE'S A SMALL BOY OUT THERE," "WITH HIS NOSE FROZEN TO THE WINDOW." "SOME WARM WATER SHOULD DO THE TRICK." "Happy Hogswatch, sir!"