"You know, the boys are upstairs working so hard, and this popcorn will make a nice surprise for them." "It's so easy to make too." "Uh, Peggy, you're supposed to move it around." "Oh..." "Well, gee..." "Now it's not easy anymore." "Peggy, did you know this says, "Use before May the 11th, 1972"?" "Marcy, if you read it carefully, it says, "Best if used before May the 11th, 1972."" "Boys!" "Popcorn!" "[SIGHS]" "Can you believe it?" "This little treasure was hiding in a box up in the attic." "It was a wedding present from Al's parents." "They gave you popcorn?" "Yeah." "Popcorn and Al." "I made out like a bandit." "Well, Steve's parents gave us china and written instructions on how to make melon balls for their son." "It's the only way he'll eat melon, you know." "Yeah, men are so fussy." "Do you know that after we were first married," "Al wouldn't eat unless his food was warm." "Okay, we've cleaned out your garage, your back yard, and your attic, so tomorrow you're gonna help me clean out my garage, right, Al?" "One...second." "[GRUNTS]" "No." "Now, Al, I hope that attic is nice and clean for when mother comes to stay." "Oh, yeah, the straw's been laid down." "The trough's been built." "All we need now is a little glass of bourbon to put her teeth in, and she'll be in, pardon the expression, hog heaven." "Hey, popcorn!" "Marcy, I don't need you to tell me what to eat." "You're not my mother." "If you were, you'd know how to make a decent melon ball." "Oh..." "[COUGHS]" "Mm!" "It's good." "No, no, no, no, no." "No more popcorn till you put that junk in the garbage." "Junk?" "I got a lot of good stuff here." "I can use a lot of this." "Steve, look what she wants me to throw out." "My hedge clippers." "They disappeared one day from my yard." "How did you get them?" "Bud!" "Get down here!" "What, Dad?" "Did you take these hedge clippers?" "Yes, Dad." "You remember?" "You called Mr. Rhoades up on the phone, and I slipped over and took them?" "Well, don't ever do it again." "I'm sorry, Steve, he must've misunderstood." "Hey, that's my car battery." "[LAUGHS]" "Well, you can't count that, Steve." "That was before we became friends." "Hi, everybody." "Oh, the greatest thing happened at school today." "The bus driver had a nervous breakdown, so we had to drive the bus ourselves, so, um, if anybody calls and accuses me of locking the driver in the bathroom and taking the bus on a joy ride," "now you know it's not true." "So, what is all this junk anyways?" "It's not junk, Kel." "It's dad's life." "And it's all in this little box, isn't it, Dad?" "You bet it is, son." "Hey, now, look at this." ""MVP, Pop Warner Football."" "I was a little younger than you when I got this, son." ""All-star Little League Shortstop."" "Oh, man." ""All-City Football."" "Huh?" "Then I met your mom." ""Co-ed Softball..." "Participant Award."" ""Rookie Of The Year Shoe Salesman, 1968."" "You notice how they're getting smaller?" "Everything about him is." "Oh, yeah, and I'm sure you didn't have anything to do with that, either, did you?" "Well, that's the end of my trophies." "Gee, Al, what a testament to a... loser." "Thanks, Steve." "No, really, you'll never relive this glory." "God, you must feel low." "I mean, I didn't have that much of an athletic past" "Oh, come on, Steve, you must have got the "Running Home To Mommy" trophy once or twice." "Well, if I did win one," "I'm sure it's somewhere in your box." "The point, however, is my life is...getting better." "I've got the best trophy in the whole world right here to share it with me." "Couldn't you just eat him up?" "Nah, Peg'd probably just serve him cold." "Hey!" "Look at this!" "The book that inspired my whole life." "Wanda The Preppy Hippo?" "The Little Engine That Could." "Is this my book, Al?" "No, it's not, and I can prove it." "Look here." "Yeah. "Property of the Oakwood Library."" "Uh, gee, Al, it's a little overdue." "1957 is past, isn't it?" "Can you believe that, Kel?" "Dad was alive in 1957." "I didn't even think it was a real year." "Wow, what memories this brings back." "Yeah." "Eh..." "You can't throw this away!" "Well, Steve, it's a book." "He certainly can't read it." "Al!" "This is literature." "Don't you understand?" "You have to bring this book back." "Libraries all over the country are suffering from a shortage of books." "And a book is fuel for a hungry mind." "Ah, books are for idiots." "I mean...you can learn everything you need from a movie or a date." "Well, the world needs bimbos too." "Al, just take the book back." "I've got bad memories of that library." "Aw, honey, is that because all the other kids were reading?" "No." "It's because of the librarian..." "Miss De Groot." "God, she was fat and old and... fat." "I remember she had this cup of coffee on her desk, and she'd always be spooning mounds of sugar into it from a jar." "When she'd stir it, it would make these clanking sounds like chains on a ghost." "A fat ghost." "God, she hated me." "[CLANKING]" "Well... young Mr. Bundy." "The devil boy." "You'd like to check these out, would you?" "Well, I'm afraid you can't." "Do you know why?" "Because I didn't bring you French fries like the other boys do?" "You're a bad seed, Bundy." "You can't have these books because you are consistently overdue, you never have the money to pay, and looking at you now, I doubt you ever will." "I'll bring 'em back, I promise." "You always promise, but you don't follow through." "And that, in a nutshell, is your problem." "Make a promise, keep a promise." "Yeah, yeah, bake a pie, eat a pie." "Can I have the books now?" "I've got a book report due tomorrow." "You may take just one book." "Hey, be fair." "Can you eat just one pig?" "You're a horrible little boy." "You'll never amount to a hill of beans." "And I wish that on you, Bundy:" "to be the failure you deserve." "And take that hand out of your pants." "It's a filthy little habit." "Now, I'm going to let you have The Little Engine That Could on the basis that you might learn something, though we both know you won't." "Do you think anyone can teach you anything?" "Well, you've just taught me that even the slightest movement can make a fat person sweat." "Three days." "You have three days to bring this back." "Promise you'll bring it back on time." "I promise." "Oh, that means almost nothing." "But if you don't, remember," "I'll be waiting for you." "Boy..." "She hates you, Al." "I swear, one day, I'm gonna take that bowl of sugar and pour the whole thing down her gas tank." "My life's gotta get better than this." "That's when I first learned that redheads can kill you." "Come on, Al, that was 30 years ago." "The woman's dead." "No one can eat that much sugar and live." "Take it back." "Face your fears, Al." "Be a man and return The Little Engine That Could." "You're alive!" "And you owe us $2163." "Wait a second, you're charging me $2000 for an overdue library book?" "Perhaps if you didn't ignore the overdue notices we sent you for the first 10 years, you wouldn't be in this pickle." "Sit down." "You made me a promise and you didn't keep it, so now you must pay the piper." "For you see, even the road to ruin has its tollgate." "Now...will you be paying in cash or food stamps?" "Can't we make a little deal here?" "I'll tell you what." "Suppose I tape a doughnut to my driver's license and slip it to you..." "You give it back, and the doughnut just mysteriously...disappears?" "Could it be that you don't have the $2000?" "Could it be that I was correct when I made and educated guess that you would fail in life?" "Could it be that the nails that hold your chair together are from the planet Krypton?" "Oh, look." "It's after 12." "That's another 20 cents you owe us." "Well, it just so happens that I returned that book years ago." "I'd remember if you did." "You weren't here." "I'm always here." "Not that day." "I believe that was the day of the big cake heist." "You were rounded up for questioning." "Perhaps a policeman's rubber hose can get to the truth." "Wait, I'll just go to the shelves and get that book and prove it to you." "We'll both go." "So, Mr. Bundy, what do you do for a living, presuming you're not still in high school?" "Librarian hit man." "I thought so." "Well, let's see." "I..." "I know I put it here somewhere, uh..." "Is that a duck?" "The book, Bundy." "The book." "Yeah, maybe, it could be, uh..." "Oh, here it is!" "The Little Engine That Could." "Boy, this brings back a lot of memories." "You planted that in there." "Prove it, De Groot." "[LAUGHS]" "A loser?" "I think not." "So I paid a little fine," "I apologized, that was it." "Aw, see, Al?" "You were worried over nothing." "Yep, you're right." "Kids, let this be a lesson-- you can't do wrong doing right." "Let's get this..." "FEMALE REPORTER:" "On the darker side of the news, surveillance cameras in the Oakwood Library caught the man with the most overdue book in Chicago history as he sneaked The Little Engine That Could back on the shelves to avoid paying the fine." "Watch carefully in slow motion as he distracts and almost kills the librarian, then slips the book back on the shelf." "So take a good look at this man." "He's been identified as Chicago's own Al Bundy, in this reporter's opinion, a true piece of human garbage." "[TELEPHONE RINGS]" "Dad, let me try something out on you." "How does this sound?" "Bud..." "Smith." "Yeah, Mom, we were watching." "Didn't he look good?" "Well, Daddy, this may be the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to this family." "I mean, we've been training for something like this all our lives, but... you're never really ready." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Gee, let me get that." "That's probably either somebody telling me" "I'm TIME magazine's, Man Of The Year, or it's Steve and Marcy." "Hi, Steve and Marcy." "What's new?" "Weren't my property values low enough?" "I'm glad you got caught, Al." "Oh, I think we all are, Marce." "You serve as an example for all our young readers, showing them they must be book smart, not book cheats, that the hand of justice will triumph, even if it must reach down to the very bowels of the Earth" "It was Steve and Marcy, Peg." "Gee, Al, do you think this means you'll be on America's Most Wanted?" "Daddy, why couldn't you have gotten caught robbing a bank like Cindy's father?" "I mean, at least she can walk around with her head held high." "Yeah, Dad." "As the lone carrier of the Bundy seed," "I foresee some lonely, seedless nights." "Family, first of all, it was entrapment, so legally I feel vindicated." "And second... so what?" "Look, I know things look dark right now, but this is gonna blow over." "Who's up for a game of Yahtzee?" "Al, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about you." "I just want you to know that this hasn't changed my feelings at all." "Gee, that's nice of you, Peg." "Hey, you want to go upstairs and fool around?" "No." "Hi, Bud." "Hi, Kelly." "It's Jim." "And Natalie." "So, um, what's for dinner, Aunt Peggy?" "It's Ruth." "Ruth." "Now, kids... go ahead and put your bags in the closet, next to mine." "And let's try to cheer your father up." "He's a little bit down, what with that piece on Paul Harvey." "I used to like him." "Oh, now, Al, don't worry." "Honey, we've weathered your paychecks, we'll weather this too." "[SIGHS]" "And, Al, I want you to know that no matter how bad it gets, and I think I speak for the kids too, we will not wear our bags in the house." "Right, kids?" "Well, not in my room..." "I can't make any promises." "There, you feel better, Al?" "Where you going, honey?" "I'm going to pay the fine." "It'll break us, but at least we don't have to be ashamed of who we are." "[CLANKING]" "Hello, Mr. Bundy, I've been expecting you." "Hey, man, don't Bundy that book." "You're quite famous, you know." "This week, we've had 34 overdue books returned by mail... with checks." "The children are terrified and treat each book like fine china." "Mr. Bundy... you've become the Freddy Krueger of the library system." "Miss De Groot, does the word "sooey" mean anything to you?" "Oh, children, quiet down, or you'll wind up like this man." "You know, Mr. Bundy..." "I've worked at this library for 44 years." "I was eligible for retirement three years ago." "You know why I stayed?" "You learned to eat books?" "You're a horrible little boy." "I kept this job for one reason..." "I knew I'd nail you and I did." "Pat Garrett got Billy The Kid, and I finally got you." "My job is over." "Today is my last day." "You know, it's funny..." "I could have given you amnesty on the book." "I would have for anybody else... but I always hated you." "Is it wrong to hate a 9-year-old boy?" "No." "Not when that boy is you." "It's the joy of my life to see you grow up like I always knew you would:" "a total and complete loser." "Today, when I get in my car and leave this place for the last time," "I will be whole." "Your shame is my gold watch." "So you think I'm a loser." "Just because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, a whole city that curses the day I was born." "Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something." "Every morning when I wake up," "I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep again." "So I get up, have my watered-down Tang and still-frozen Pop Tart, get in my car, with no upholstery, no gas and six more payments, to fight traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes" "on the cloven hooves of people like you." "I'll never play football like I thought I would." "I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman." "And I'll never again know the joy of driving without a bag on my head." "But I'm not a loser, because despite it all, me and every other guy who will never be what he wanted to be, are still out there being what we don't want to be" "40 hours a week for life." "And the fact that I haven't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!" "No, Mr. Bundy, that's what makes you a loser." "You see, you could've made something of your life," "I suppose, but you never followed through." "That's always been your problem." "Like I always told you:" "Make a promise, keep a promise." "And maybe if you did that just once, you'd be a winner." "Thank you, Miss De Groot." "As a matter of fact," "I'm going to start keeping promises right now." "You won't." "Yes, I will." "[***]"