"Wait, Bert." "Let's scare your mom." " But scaring's mean." " That's the whole point of Halloween ... getting scared and scaring people." "What's happening to this country?" " You sound like my bus driver." " Huh." "[gasps] Oh, my god, Jackie!" "[Bert screams]" "Bert!" "Look away." "[gasps] [moaning]" "Oh, god." "[roars] [screams] [laughs] Not funny, guys." " You know I'm scared of bad teeth." " Gotcha." " Yeah, yeah." "You did." " Whoo-hoo!" "Yeah!" " Ha ha!" " [groans] Thanks for dropping him off, Kate." " How long were you sitting there?" " Four and half hours." " Did you finish my costume, Mom?" " Yes, I did." "It's in your room." "Go try it on and see if I need to tweak the crotch." "[muffled] Oh, sure." " I love Halloween!" " He's very excited." " Oh, we love Halloween." " Oh, me, too." "It is the funnest holiday." "Free candy, running away from the cops, having one-night stands where you never take your masks off." "I once made out with a woman for two hours before I realized that it was a woman." "Act... actually, that's not a Halloween story." "That's a mask story." "Anyhoo, Halloween when you're a mom ..." "it's a little different, 'cause it's about creating these rituals with your kids, you know, like drinking hot pumpkin broth, or celebrating the harvest or honoring the blessed dead." "[clicks tongue] [Bert screams]" "Ohh, do you hear that?" "That is the sound of pure joy." "What the hell is this?" "!" "What?" "This is what you asked for." " You're the Iron Man!" " Iron Man doesn't iron." "[scoffs] Well, that's a pretty confusing name if you're not gonna be doing any ironing." "Jackie, do you not know who Iron Man is?" "Oh, are you guys doing a bit right now?" "No." "I thought Bert made him up." "Why would I make this up?" "I'll look like an idiot." " What?" " Forget it." "I'm not going trick-or-treating." " Bert!" " This is the worst Halloween ever!" "How do you not know who Iron Man is?" "He was in, like, every movie this summer." " Robert Downey Jr.?" " Wait." "Hold up." "Robert Downey had a son?" "!" "1x06" " Halloween [sighs] Bert, please come out!" "Bert:" "I can't." "Too many wrinkles I have to iron." "Oh!" "I don't want him handling an iron." " He's being sarcastic." " Sarca... what?" "I ... everything he says sounds the same." "Okay." "I don't have time to make a new the Iron Man costume." "You know, Jackie, they do sell costumes in stores." "Oh, yeah." "Guess what." "They also sell toothpaste in stores, but do you have any idea how much money I save a year by making my own?" "I don't know." "Like $20?" "Yeah." "Some years." "Fine." "Okay." "We got to brainstorm." "Okay." "Crazy idea ..." "I'll go to the store." "Well, okay." "Just brainstorm on the way, then." "All right." "Come on, Warren." "Slow and steady." "Trick or treat." "Diane, y-you're like a gargoyle come to life..." " now more than ever." " Zing, Peter." "And what are you, a doll murderer?" "I am a hung... jury." "Oh, just what everyone loves ... a legal pun." " Oh, buddy." " Come on." "[slurring] Why did I have to have dental surgery on Halloween?" " I know." " This really sucks." "Sweetheart, I know the timing is not great, but it was either your molars today or your jaw tomorrow." "Just enjoy the painkillers, buddy." "[groans] We don't enjoy painkillers, Warren." "We take them." "One every four hours." "I thought it was four every one hour?" "Oh, sweetie. [smooches] That's why I'm here." "Don't worry, Peter." "Don't worry." "You won't even notice me." "Unless, of course, you want some tips on how to carve that pumpkin." "[door closes]" " Hey, baby." " Hillary:" "Hi, Dad." "Hi, Hillary. [gasps]" " God." " It's mom." "I didn't see you there, Mom. [chuckles] [chuckles] And why aren't you in costume?" "'Cause Halloween is lame." "I mean, who are you?" "Justin Bieber?" "[laughing] No." "Guess." "[fingers snap]" "Dad at a wedding." " Come on." " [laughing] No." " I'm Ellen Degeneres." " What?" "[doorbell rings]" " Ellen Degeneres." " Oh." "[singsong voice] Who wants some candy?" "All:" "Trick or treat!" "[normal voice] Wow!" "Look at you guys!" "Great costumes." "Do you know what I am?" "I am a Hung Jury." "Well, if you're, uh, a lawyer, it's clever." "It killed at work today." "Whatever." "Here you go." "Here." "Divide it up." "Hey." "How's, uh, "Hung Jury" going over?" "Great." "The people who get it, really get it." "So, nobody?" "Yeah." "Nobody." "When are you coming back?" "Actually, I'm at a costume store because Jackie doesn't know who Robert Downey Jr. is." "You're gonna stand in line at a costume store on Halloween?" " That's a rookie move." " Not the way I do it, babe." "[indistinct conversations] [exhales sharply]" "[clears throat]" "Hmm." "Hey." "Hey." "I'll buy you booze if you let me in line." "We're straight edge." "We don't drink, we don't smoke, we don't have sex," " and we don't let people cut." " Really?" "No sex?" "Okay." "Sweetie, hi!" " Oh." " Excuse me." "There's a line." "[chuckling] Oh, you think I'm cutting." "No." "No, no, no, no." "I'm just meeting my son and his best friend." "Did your Dad give you enough money, or do you want more?" "I just want another hug." "[chuckles] Of course you do, you little rug rat." "Yeah." "Oh." "[sniffs]" "Did you just smell my hair?" "Get off." "Get off." "Man:" "Okay." "Next 10 customers." "That's us." "Come on, boys." "Stop staring at me." "[doorbell rings]" "Warren: [slurring] Coming!" "[laughing] Happy Halloween!" "Uh, Warren, you just relax, honey." "I've got it, okay?" "Go ahead." "Just relax." "I got it." "Trick or treat." "Smell my feet." "Oh, how nice." "Here you go." "I know that voice." "Not so fast." "Say that again." "Trick or treat." "Smell my feet?" "Say it again." " Why?" " Please." "Trick or treat." "Smell my feet?" "[exhales sharply]" "What the hell, man?" "!" " Dad!" "That's ..." " That's so uncool." "I'm gonna ask you a question, and I want you to answer very carefully." "Last Halloween, did you egg my house and then moon me?" " [scoffs] No." " I don't believe you." "I recognize your stupid voice." "This stays here." " Diane:" "I'm so sorry about that." " It stays." "Come on inside." "I'll get your candy back." " Explain." " I think I was pretty clear." "That's the kid who egged my house and mooned me last year." "How do you know?" "You haven't even seen his face." "I don't need to see his face, Diane." "I recognized his voice." "Plus, I've seen his butt." "It has a very distinctive birthmark on it shaped like a coiled snake." " How close were you?" " Real close." " Too close." " Okay." "Peter, it was over a year ago." "There's no statute of limitations on being a punk." " Peter." " No, Diane." "This madness has gone on long enough." "It's got to stop." "This is about justice." "When the neighbor steals my Wi-Fi, I do nothing." "When the mailman keeps my muscle  fitness," "I do nothing." "When a hooligan eggs my home and moons my face, I do nothing." "But when that kid has the audacity to return to my house and ask for candy?" " This ends... now!" " Okay." "You've convinced me." " Let's cut off his hands and kill him." " That will not be necessary." "All I need is a confession and an apology." "I'm not leaving without my candy." "I'm not giving you your candy until you confess." " I got nothing to confess." " Okay." " Have a great rest of your Halloween." " Oh, my gosh." "You're free to go." "Candy stays." "Hmm!" "[door creaks]" "Jackie?" "[door closes]" "[British accent] Guess who I am." "Lady Gaga." "[sighs] [normal voice] I don't know who that is." "[British accent] I'm Queen Elizabeth!" " Oh." " Yeah." "Let them eat cake!" "Anyway, here's Bert's Iron Man costume." "[normal voice] Oh, Kate, I don't say this enough, but you have totally saved Halloween for Bert and me." "I don't know if I saved it, but, you know, I just want Bert to have a fun Halloween." "Ooh, I love trick-or-treating with him so much." " It's like 30% of why I adopted him." " That's... sweet." "Uh... oh, Kate, um, can I give you some money for this?" " Oh, do you have money?" " No, I do not." " Oh, then no." " Okay." "So we're even." " Uh... y... sure." " Good." "Here." "You do the honors." " Really?" " Yeah." "Okay." "Thanks." "Bert:" "Go away." "I'm never coming out." "I need Tony Stark to come out here and suit up." "Look what we got you!" "[screams] Oh, my gosh!" "Kate, I adore it!" "We thought you might." "Kate!" "Kate!" "Kate!" "Kate!" "And Jackie!" "And Jackie!" "Whoo!" "Jackie!" "You're welcome, buddy." "Now you and your mom can go trick-or-treating together and keep the universe safe." "I don't want to go with my Mom anymore." "I want to go with you." "You do?" "!" "[inhales sharply]" " You do?" " Oh." "That's fine." "I mean, what's Halloween about?" "Halloween is about relaxation and introspection." "And look at this ... more pumpkin broth just for me." "You're gonna miss out, so..." "why don't you go suit up?" "Okay." "[clears throat]" "[grunts] It's perfect!" "[blows]" "Jackie, I don't have to take Bert." "Really." "No, no, no, no." "It's what he wants." "Have fun." "[dishes clattering]" "You sure?" "I mean, it feels like this means a lot to you, and you obviously put some effort into your costume." "The hardest part was finding this much whale bone." "Voom!" "Voom!" "Ah, powder face!" "I will vanquish you!" "Really?" "This is Iron Man?" " They made a movie about that?" " Well..." " Hey, Kate, what's your costume?" " Oh, I'm, uh... awesome Stepmom Man." " You're so funny and cool." " [laughs] Thank you." "I'll go get one of my Mom's old costumes." " She loves Halloween." " Oh!" "[chuckles] That's ..." "Yay!" "[dishes clattering] [evil laughter]" "I've never seen this costume before." "What is it?" "I'm a Centaur ..." "half-human, half-horse." " How does that happen?" " That's a good question." "Um... sometimes, when a man loves a horse ..." "Kate, look!" "Cotton candy!" "Can we get some?" "Rookie mistake." "You hit the big houses first." "Big houses, big candles." "Skip the apartments." "'Cause that's where all the gross taffy is." "Then you close with the cotton candy, get sticky, hose off at home." " Kate, you're a genius!" " Well, I don't know if I'm a genius, but..." "You know so much more about Halloween than my Mom." "All she knows are the chants." "[grunts]" " [raspy voice] Watch it." " Sorry." "[crows caw]" "Come on, Bert." "Giddyup." "Diane:" "We won't cater to you." "It's four against one." " We think that the should go." " Hillary:" "It's ridiculous ..." "It's probably on the news right now." "It's not a democracy." "Some kind of missing-child alert." "This is something that I have ..." "And I'm gonna be known as the girl whose father..." " Young man:" "Hey!" " ...stole the guy on Halloween." "I've been trick-or-treating for three hours." "That's all my candy." "Hey." "You mind?" "I'm trying to talk to my ex-wife here." "I'll be with you in a second, eggs..." "Benedict Arnold." "Reaching." "You have many enemies, Peter." "Anyone could have egged your house." "Let it go." "This from the woman who had her housekeeper deported for scratching her coffee table." "I was doing her a favor." "In the Philippines, she's a Doctor." " [doorbell rings] I got it." " Ohh." "You get it." "I think Dad's gone crazy." "[door opens]" "No." "It's just his warped sense of justice." "It would actually be admirable if it weren't so embarrassing." "But don't worry." "I'm not leaving until that boy" " gets his candy back and goes." " So, that's your ex?" " Yes." " You seem way too smart for him." "I like you." "Bert:" "Zoom!" "Zoom!" "Zoom!" " Yeah." "You get 'em." " Zoom!" "Zoom!" "Zoom!" " You're the best Iron Man ever." " Zoom!" "Zoom!" "Thanks." "Come on, Bert." "Let's get out of here." "Come on." "[footsteps approaching]" "Get lost, weirdo!" "I said, "get out of here!"" "[grunts] [normal voice] Ow!" "For the love of Vishnu!" "Right in the kisser!" "Jackie?" "Boo!" "[scoffs] [sighs]" " Ow." " Young man:" "Wow." "Looks like your dad ruined my Halloween by taking my candy and your Halloween by scheduling dental surgery." "No." "My Mom scheduled it." "[scoffs] Your dad could have stopped her." " He didn't know." " Or maybe he didn't care enough to know." " Maybe." " No wonder you're so mad." " I'm not mad." " Yes, you are." " I am?" " Super mad." " Huh." " And I don't blame you." "I just wish there was a way we could show your dad how angry you are and how... innocent I am." " [sighs] So..." " Can I have a glass of water?" "Water, candy, freedom ..." " it's all yours once you confess." " But I didn't do it." " Hey." "That's mine!" " What do we have ... ooh." "Ooh." "Ooh, I would love to hear your reasons for having eggs in your bag on Halloween." "My Mom asked me to pick up eggs." "She's making a frittata for her boyfriend." " He hates me." " Nice, Peter." "[scoffs] Frittata." "These eggs were meant for mischief." " See?" "It wasn't me!" " Hang on." "Uh... watch the candy." " I'm sorry." " [scoffs] I just want my candy and I want to leave ..." "no harm, no foul." "Okay, if you didn't want me to take Bert trick-or-treating, you should have just told me." "You didn't need to follow us in disguise." "Spare me, Kate." "I know a power play when I see one." "Uh, "oh!" "Look at me with my pretty blonde hair" ""and all the stuff I know about the ironing man!" "And don't I look sexy as a ... a Centaur!"" " I mean, et cetera." "Yada, yada." " Please stop fighting." " We're not fighting." " We love each other!" "Listen, if it wasn't for me, he'd still be holed up in his room playing with a wrinkled shirt." "Now, you listen to me." "You overstepped." "I'm stepping up." "Now step off so I can step up." "Yeah ... now, if you'll excuse us," "I'm gonna go trick-or-treating with my son." " Fine." " Bert." " Bert." " Bert?" " Bert!" " Bert?" " Where'd he go?" " I don't know." " Bert!" " Hey, Bert, you can come out now." " Bert." " Bert!" " Bert." " Bert!" "Bert!" "Bert!" " Bert!" " Bert!" "I knew I should have had him microchipped." "Bert!" "[evil laughter]" "Ollie, ollie, in come, Bert!" "Marco!" "Marco!" "MellamoMarco." "Qué pasa?" " Not you." " Get out of here, Marco." "Go." "Okay ... you go that way, I go this way," " we meet back here in five minutes." " No." "That's stupid." "I have a better idea." "I go this way, you go that way," " we meet back here in five minutes." " Th... [groans]" " Bert!" " Bert!" "Where are you?" "!" "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Have you seen a little boy about this tall carrying a bucket of candy?" "Right." "Okay." "[gasps] Bert!" "Oh, thank god." "Oh, you scared the crap out of me." "Okay." "Come on." " I found Bert!" " I found Bert!" "We just kidnapped two kids." " Go." "Forget our faces." " What?" "Oh, my god." "Look who I found egging his own house." "Me." "Warren." "Young man:" "I told you to run." "Yeah." "Oh, yeah." "Well, at least your windows are finally getting washed." " Warren, what were you thinking?" " I don't know." "Cool kid." "[snorts, laughs]" "Drugs." "Young man:" "Hey." "Hillary, right?" " Yeah." " Can I ask you something?" " Sure." " Why does your dad hate me?" "Why did you have my brother egg our house?" "Well, I didn't know what else to do." "Your dad was convinced" "I was guilty, So I figured if your brother egged the house, then he would think the real egger was still out there so I could get my candy back and go home." " Sounds complicated." " I was desperate. [chuckles]" "Your dad just won't give up." "You're, like, the only normal one here." "How do you deal?" "I just close my eyes and pretend I'm at Princeton." "You'll get there." "Oh, I know." "Listen." "I can't change my Dad's mind." "But..." "I can piss him off for you." "[mumbling]" "Oh, my god." "Hillary is giving him a blow pop!" "[sighs] These boots are really slowing me down." " Wait." "You know what?" " What?" "This would be so much easier if you just let me ride you." "What?" "!" "No." "Jackie, get off me." "St... cotton candy!" "Wh... how could you think about candy when Bert's missing?" "Where did you get the cotton candy?" "[mumbles] Thank you." "Jackie, come on!" "[grunts]" "Come on!" "I know where he is." "Excuse me!" "Okay ..." "I'm sorry for seducing your daughter and taking advantage of your brave and inspiring son." "[giggles] I just want my candy back." " And I just want justice." " It's over, Peter." "You are officially being a pain in the butt." "That's it ... the butt." "Show me your butt!" " Show me the snake on your butt." " What?" "!" "No!" " Dad!" "Gross!" " Peter!" "[mumbles]" "It's very simple ... you show me your butt, I give you candy." "[chuckles]" " You know what I mean." " Peter, I'm done." "I'm a grown-up." "I have things to do." "You're making a big mistake." " [chuckles] Bye, friend!" " It was really nice to meet you." "I still think it was him." "Hey!" "Hung Jury!" "Feast your eyes on this!" "[all gasping]" " Oh!" " Ohh!" " It does look like a coiled snake." " See?" "I told you." "Pretty proud of your dad now, huh?" "[gasps] [laughs]" "Halloween's over." " What a throw." " Best Halloween ever." "Let's go inside." " Ohh!" " Oh." "Bert." " Oh, thank god." " [smooches] Oh, I'm so sorry that Kate scared you away by fighting." " What?" " I wasn't scared." "I did the big houses first, like Kate said to do, and now I'm closing with this awesome cotton candy." "Is this your adorable boy?" " Yes." " Yes." "Jackie, I'm sorry." "I-I love Halloween, and I was just so excited that Bert wanted to share it with me, but we shouldn't have gone without you." "Yeah." "I guess I got a..." "little jealous." "Just ... he's my baby, and it's so hard to watch someone else be a mom to my little Bertie." "Just felt so good to be the hero for once." " Do you know how little I get right?" " Yeah." "Next to nothing." "You're not great at reading social cues, and you walk like you've never worn a centaur costume before, and..." "Oh." "It's all right." "I know Bert loves me more." "Congratulations on the supreme court decision." "I believe all love is sacred." " Aww." " Thank you." " Happy Halloween." " Happy Halloween." "All right." "Let's go." "I think we've had enough adventure for one day." "Bye!" " What supreme court decision?" " Are you serious?" "[cheers and applause]" "All right, we have a great show for you guys today." "We're giving away ski vacations, spa days, and snowboards!" " He's not gonna do the whole show, is he?" " Don't worry." "There's no musical guest." "Oh, yeah ... but first, let's welcome our guest..." "Tony Stark!" "Tony Stark!" "[cheers and applause]" "Oh, yeah!" "Okay." "First, Tony, what's with your ..." "Oh!" "[Jackie laughs]" "All right." "Let's get this one to bed." " Come on, guys." "Grab a limb." " Okay." "Bert:" "Come on, Hillary." " Grab a limb, everybody." " Hillary:" "Okay, Bert." " Diane:" "Come on." " On three." "One, two, three." "[all grunting]"