"I've been accused of being an underachiever." "Hey, I'd rather underachieve than surpass my potential and remain insignificant." "So, I was raised by my mother, a self-proclaimed spiritualist." "She did her best to teach me things like openness and tolerance, and..." "I don't know." "I wasn't paying attention." "My mind was on other things." "After my father left, my mother yearned for meaning in her new life, to fill a hole she never knew existed." "And when I wasn't otherwise distracted," "I guess I soaked up everything she did." "Before long, I knew more about religion and so-called spirituality than most theologians." "Who knew that all that residual knowledge would ever have any significance in my life." "You kidding me?" "What?" "My, uh..." "my buddy's TV show's on." "I gotta watch it." "You... you should see this." "To lift his arms above his head." "God is healing those joints right now." "I see a man." "A man gripped... gripped by the homosexual lifestyle, but God is..." "God is stepping in and taking over, and he... he is cured of that abomination at this very moment." "There is a tornado coming..." "There is a tornado..." "What, are you leaving?" "It's late." "I gotta go." "If I'm not home when John gets there, he'd kill the both of us." "I thought you two broke up." "I mean, it's better this way." "Absolutely." "You understand." "It's not personal." "You had me at "I gotta go."" "You don't have to be a dick about it." "Wait, what?" "Well, you think you can just fuck me and kick me out?" "I'm sorry." "Did I miss something?" "I'm so stupid." "This was a mistake." "Everybody was right about you." "You're an asshole." ""Everybody?"" "My name is the Reverend Guy Roy Davis, and your television is my church." ""Hi, sweetheart." "Did a past-life regression yesterday, and guess what." "You and I were twins in Atlantis." "Pretty wild, huh?" "I have an opportunity to study with the Brahma Kumaris in Melbourne." "Wish me luck."" "Good luck, Mom." "Hi." "You can't pretend you're not home when I can see you." "You know how that works, right?" "Sorry, Bob." "Thought it might be you." "If I lived on the water like this," "I would be fishing every day." "Crack of dawn." " You wanna go fishing?" " I do." "Do you have any bait?" "Go dig around by the edge of the lake." "Grab a bucket or something." "I'll be down in a second." "Great." "I got something I wanna run by you." "A very special opportunity." "Ah." "Did you watch the show last night?" "Yeah." "I did." "Pretty sure you've reached an all-time low with that guy." "I'm glad you said that." "Jack, you're charming." "Sort of." "And that's what the show needs." ""Sort of charm" Jack Harriman." "Yeah." "Okay." "Here we go." "What?" "I want you on the show." "I want you on the goddamn show." "You want me on the goddamn religion show?" "Well, religion, philosophy, whatever you want." "You've seen it all." "Yeah, well, I would, Bob, but I just remembered I have anything else to do." "It's a panel with a reverend and maybe a couple of other guys." "I don't wanna see you miss a very special opportunity." "So... you want me to..." "To debate religion, philosophy, whatever, with your reverend?" "In a word, yes." "All right." "That's awesome." "I knew I could count on you." "They should call your lake "no fish,"" "because I've never ever caught anything here." "Not even a nibble." "Let's try it over there." "Hmm." "Okay." "Lord Almighty." "Oh, baby." "How did you do that?" "How did you know that fish was there?" "Hey, so I'll see you at 2:00 a.m. tonight." "Don't wear white." "Okay, well, look, it may not look like much, but within these hallowed walls, ideas are transmitted to homes across the entire television cable system." "How many homes?" "Well, that depends upon whom you ask." "Gentlemen, change in format today." "This is Jack Harriman, and he is going to round out the panel." "Oh, good." "Fine." "We're gonna have a discussion with the three of you, and I am going to moderate." "Jack, why don't you head over there and then they'll mic you up." "Excuse me." "You... you're going to moderate?" "I was under the impression that I was hosting the program." "Yes, you were." "Jack, and you'll sit in the middle, and then, Pete, if you could be on that end." "And, Reverend, if you could just grab an edge over there." "Hello." "I'm Guy Roy Davis." "Yes, you are." "Saw your show last night." "Oh." "That was God's TV show, sir." "Come here." " Okay." " No, not yet." "Get a room, you two." "'Cause the hug." "Hey, I'm Peter Davis." "No relation to the rev." "But you guys can just call me Pete if you want." " Hi, Pete." " Yeah." "Okay, I think we're in position here." "Wha..." "I need to know the new guy's credentials." "No time, Guy Roy." "Are we ready to go here?" "Yeah?" "Let's light this candle." "Welcome to Divine Access." "I couldn't be more pleased." "I'd like to welcome my guests today." "Guy Roy Davis, Jack Harriman, and Peter Davis." "Hey, uh, and Davis, no relation to the rev." "And you can just call me Pete." "Listen, Peter, I'm sure our viewers have noticed that you're wearing a funny little hat upon your head there." "Would you like to tell us about it?" "Oh, I'd love to, but it's not a hat." "It is a pyramid, and I wear it because all throughout time..." "Like, look at the ancient Egyptians." "They understood very clearly, if you take food and you put it under a pyramid, the food doesn't spoil." "Or if you take a dull knife and you put it under a pyramid, it becomes sharp again." " That's amazing." " Yeah." "And it's the same way with your thought process." "The pyramid focuses your thoughts." "So, I like to say that the pyramid is like, uh, glasses for your third eye." "Or, like..." "I guess, like, a monocle for your third eye." "That's amazing." "You talked that long and said absolutely nothing." "It's preposterous." "Okay, so we have some differences of opinions here." "Jack, what is your take on Pyramid Pete's theory?" "I think it's awesome." "Thank you." "I haven't heard anything about pyramids in years, but I'm, uh, I'm behind that 100%." "Oh, please." "Reverend Davis, you seem to have a problem with what Pyramid Pete is saying." "Yes, I do." "I think that anyone who is looking for clarity of thought should look no further than a more ancient source than the Egyptians, and I refer to the Old Testament, the word of God." "Well, the way I see it, Reverend, is that Jesus Christ was a..." "Was a rebel." "He was a badass, right?" "I'm a big fan of Jesus." "Jesus, Abraham, the Buddha, all the heavies." "And I think that Pete's a pretty good guy, too." "Hey, thanks." "And I just wanna say, if you wanted to have your own pyramid, that is something that I offer" "And, actually, you know, they come in different sizes, and it's $14.95, and, uh..." "Well, one size, but three colors." "Reverend, is there something that you would like to add?" "I am speaking in tongues." "You know, Reverend, speaking in tongues wasn't exactly what happened at the Pentecost." " I mean, if you..." " Oh." "Yeah, if you check out your New Testament..." " I see." " You'll find that one man spoke in his own language, and he was understood by a gathering of people of all languages, which I think is a great story, great metaphor." "Well, that's it for Divine Access." "I would like to thank our guests," "Guy Roy Davis, Jack Harriman, and Peter Davis." "Until next week... peace." "Cut." "Just..." "All right, that's it." "That's it." ""Peace?"" "All right, Mr. Catfish, come and get it." "You are a popular man, Jack." "Clearly." "Thank you." "Phone's been ringing off the hook." "Congratulations." "You don't get it." "I been doing Divine Access for three months now, and never, and I mean never, has there been a response like this." " Really?" " Oh, yeah." "How many calls?" "Can I please get one of those?" "Thanks." "It's not how many." "It's how inspired." " That's what's..." " How many?" "Like, 100?" "200?" "What?" "Four." " 400?" " Not 400." "Four." "But I had never gotten a single call before you." "So..." "Well, four people in a city of almost a million, that's... that's a groundswell." "Well, you haven't heard the best part." "There's this group." "They call themselves the Esoteric Fellowship." "They're a little strange, but they saw you on Divine Access, and they would like you to speak at their next meeting." "No." "No, I did your show as a favor to you, okay?" "Maybe a little bitch-slap to your evangelist buddy, but I gotta go find a real job now." "Well, it does pay $100." "All right, I'll do it." "Really?" "It's not that much." "That's awesome." "All right." "We're gonna get you warmed up tonight." "I'm gonna get you back on TV." "You're gonna get the feel of it." "I'm gonna give you Guy Roy's spot." "We're gonna make this official." "Don't you have a contract with that guy or something?" "This is cable access." "Contract?" "That's adorable." "I'll handle it." "Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name." "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven." "The tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap at 2:00 upon the teeth." "The tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap at 2:00 upon the teeth." "Unique, New York, unique New York, unique New York." "My name is Reverend Guy Roy Davis, and your television is my church." "Hey!" "Hey." "Can't you see the light?" "What is the meaning of this?" "What is he doing here?" "I made an executive decision." "No, you had no right to do that." "My flock is counting on me to give them the message of the Lord." "Guy Roy, get out." "You." "You will regret this, and you too." "You both will regret this." "Mark my words." "The Lord Almighty will reign vengeance down upon you." "Beware!" "Nice job handling it." "I forgot to call him." "So... go." "Hi, I'm Jack Harriman." "You're watching Divine Access, which probably means you have no life, so let's talk about it." "Bob, what's... what's the number here?" "Hmm?" "Bob doesn't know the number." "If anybody out there knows the number, give us a call." "Let us know." "Mostly because..." "not really paying attention, but as far as the future goes, well, let's not..." "let's not think about the future." "We're here in this moment right now." "I'm here." "You're here." "This... this is all that matters." "Hello." "You're on Divine Access." "Your show sucks, dickwad." "'Kay." "Is there anything else?" " What do you mean?" " We just totaled you." "Well, thanks for calling." "Oh, hey, uh, uh, what's the number here?" " What?" "Oh, okay." " Uh, 901-8215." "901-8215 is the number." "Give us a call." "You ever think about our orbit around the sun?" "Unless the earth gets knocked off its axis, this time next year we're gonna be in the exact same place in space that we are right now." "Hello." "You're on Divine Access." "Yeah, I just had a question that concerns a detail in the Bible." "Well, I'm probably not gonna be the best help with that kind of stuff." "I mean, you know how open to interpretation the good book is." "Well, I wanted to know about the food that God considers unclean." "Well, I can tell you this." "Back when religions were nothing more than basically startup companies," "God took a more hands-on approach." "He would actually speak to people, and he would do so as though they were children." "So, instead of saying, "Don't take raw pork or raw oysters out into the desert on a long hike, it's gonna spoil and you'll get sick,"" "He would make His point stronger by saying, "Hey, that food's unclean."" "So, you're saying, like," "I could eat shrimp if I want to, right?" "I'm not gonna make that call." "That's up to you." "I sure do like shrimp." "Me too." "One of the great theological dilemmas, isn't it?" "Yeah, it's kind of like the speed limit or the rules to Monopoly." "Nobody really expects you to follow 'em." "Yeah, I had a girlfriend who had a bird once." "Lasted six days." "But I don't want to tell you what to do, okay?" "Treat it like a bad burn." "Just leave it alone." "Stop playing with it." "Yeah, dogs are great, aren't they?" "As long as they're somebody else's?" "All right, thanks." "Thanks for calling." " One more call?" " No." "Time." "Let's take one more." "Hello, you're on Divine Access." "You make a lot of sense, Jack, but you seem to lack any conviction." "Did you have a question, or are you just calling in to help me out?" "Well, my question is this." "Do you believe the things that you say?" "Well, I think what's important is whether or not you believe 'em." "Clever." "But the question still remains." "People aren't looking for hollow words." "People are looking to be led by somebody with compassion." "I think you're overstating the value of this show." "Certainly of me." "So, you don't feel responsible for the things that you say?" "Yes, I don't." "People will never be able to separate the messenger from the message." "And if you don't take responsibility for your words, you'll do more harm than good." "I would love to continue this conversation, but I'm being told our time is up." "Caller, I..." "I didn't get your name?" "Hello?" "Well, that's our show for tonight." "Thanks for watching." "We'll see you next time." ""We are not worthy of your light." "Your... your eternal love welcomes us to Heaven." "We follow you." "We follow you as servants." "We follow..." "we follow you as disci..."" "Ah." "Show me a sign, O Lord." "Oh, speak to me, Heavenly Father." "Guy Roy." "Cleanup on aisle seven." "Bring a mop." "We've been trying to place you." "Place me where?" "Oh, we've seen you somewhere." "Are you from television?" "You're the guy that we saw on that cable access show." "Oh, yeah!" "So, you guys saw that?" "What were you naughty girls doing up that late?" "Oh, it's only on, like, 20 times a day." "Okay, maybe you can give me some advice." "All right." "Okay, so my... so my boyfriend..." "My boyfriend's been treating me like shit, and he never has any free time to spend with me, but he always has enough time to go golfing or wakeboarding with his buddies." "So, you're pissed off because he's having a good time without you?" "Yeah." "You know the word "namaste"?" "Trendy little greeting at your local yoga center?" "Well, the actual translation is," ""I bow to the divine in you."" "Hmm." "Maybe instead of fixating on the things you don't like about him, you might wanna embrace the things you do." "And if you can't find anything divine in him, let him go." "Are you saying she should break up with her boyfriend?" "Maybe." "Or maybe she should just have a cheap, torrid affair with somebody." "Maybe somebody on television." "Oh..." "You're funny." "You're funny." "You think you're hot shit don't you?" "What's up, John?" "Did you fuck her?" "Did you fuck my girlfriend?" "Yes or no?" "Yes." "Okay." "That's it?" "For now." "Well, that guy has no idea how close he just came to getting his ass kicked." "You slept with his girlfriend?" "Wasn't a whole lot of sleeping going on." "Hmm." "So, you don't take any more responsibility for your actions than you do your words, huh?" "You know what?" "You can't separate the messenger from the message." "Where have I heard that before?" "Whew." "Hmm." "It's a very hospitable crowd." "Really." "Nothing to worry about." "I'm not worried." "Almost forgot." "Here's your cash." "That's so uncool." "You're gonna..." "You're gonna count it?" "There's only $90 here." " 10% is industry standard." " Jack." "Oh." "Welcome." "And thank you so much for coming." " You ready?" " I'm 90% ready." "That's a bullshit attitude." " All right." " Anyway." "It's gonna be great." "Can I have your attention?" "Members of the Esoteric Fellowship, this is what we've all been waiting for." "Please welcome Jack Harriman." "Nothing to worry about." "Not worried." "Do I look... do I look worried?" "Greetings." "Shalom." "Namaste." "Welcome." "On the way out here, a couple people told me not to worry." "I think that's good advice." "Wonder how many people in here tonight are worried?" "How about a show of hands?" "How many?" "There you go." "Okay." "Who's worried?" "Makes you feel any better..." "I'll take on the chore." "I'll be the designated worrier." "All right?" "Relax, everybody." "We're gonna have some fun tonight." "All right, listen." "A priest, rabbi, Baptist preacher, atheist, and a Buddhist all in a very small boat..." "Well, what can I say, Jack?" "You're a natural." "I'm just telling people what they wanna hear." "Fortunes have been built on less." "Little Zen, little est, little Alcoholics Anonymous." "It's a stew, really." "I'm telling you, Jack, this is just the beginning." "Beginning of what?" "I'm putting you on a speaking tour." "I'm gonna do it." "Oh, no, you can stay home and hang Sheetrock and smash your fingers with a hammer every now and then." "That's your call." "Mr. Harrigan." "It's "Harriman." Jack Harriman." "Well, my name's Lonnie Sparks, and I wonder if I could have a word with you." "All right." "Sure." "Well, I lost my job down at the rendering plant." "I'm sorry to hear that." "That's a tough break." "Week later, mama had to take Junior to the clinic and they found the sugar diabetes all throughout him." "I..." "I don't know what to tell you." "Uh, take care of yourself so you can take care of your family." "Can I ask for your blessing?" " Please?" " No..." "Just to get us over this here rough patch." "That..." "You don't understand." "That's not..." "That's not what I do, okay?" "What..." "What are you doing?" "Yep, there he goes." "All right, come on." "I gotcha." "I gotcha." "Yeah, all right." "Just go ahead." "Yep." "Feel it." "Yep." "All right." "What the fuck is happening here?" "Name's Nigel." "I'm a..." "I'm a catcher." " You're a what?" " A catcher." "Yeah, I..." "I worked all the tent revivals down south there." "Yeah, I could see what was about to happen." "See, when a preacher goes to laying' his hands on folks," "I'm there to catch 'em when they fall." "How long do they normally spaz out like that?" "Just depends on how hard the spirit hit 'em." "Sometimes it's like a karate chop, and sometimes it's just a little Eskimo kiss." "He's not liable to swallow his tongue or anything?" "No, I never seen nothing like that, no." "Shoot, one time I laid out 88 worshippers overcome by the spirit." "Yeah, not a broken fingernail among 'em." "That was my record." "The trick is to kind of just flow with 'em when they're hitting the ground there, right?" "Just kind of... the way that bullfighter encompasses the movement of the bull." "That's very interesting." "We should probably leave." "Well, we can't just..." "Can't just leave him there like that, can we?" "He's fine, though." "Yeah, he's... he's fine." "Look at him." "He's enjoying himself." "You can tell." "Okay." "I..." "I sure would love to hire onto your outfit, if you'd have me." "I can furnish references." "Listen, you're gonna need a good catcher." "I did it." "This..." "look at this." "There he goes." "There he goes." "There he goes." "Well, that explains the shit ton of emails." "What the fuck have you done, Bob?" "You think... think maybe I should have been consulted before you went and did this?" "I feel like I'm being attacked here." "I made an executive decision." "Do you think that's easy?" "There's a lot of pressure there." "Maybe I should get a little bit of credit." "That was already out there." "I just sort of repackaged it for promotional purposes." "Look." "We've already got thousands of hits." "I'm sorry that I yelled at you." ""Hi, Jack." "You can put your hands on me any time."" "That's what she said." "And it really is." "Making that all the funnier." "Think of the money." "Holy shit." ""If you're ever in Corpus Christi, you can heal my brains out."" " How about that?" " That's not clever." "These people clearly need you, Jack." "Think of the good you could do." "And the lives you could touch." "I'm in." "And if you're not gonna do it for them," " do it for me." " I said I'll do it." "You've made me a happy man." "All right." "You're on the road next week." "Let's start in Corpus Christi." "I'm gonna give you my car." "And then maybe Brownsville." "I gotta put Nigel on the payroll." "San Angelo." "Definitely San Angelo." " Ooh." " Ooh." "We can skip Beaumont." "I'm not even sure that's a real person." "Where're they going in such a hurry?" "They're going to hell, reverend." "Straight to hell." "Well, the Hilton was booked, so I got you the next best thing." "You're a class act, Bob." "Hey, Jack, it's just a trial run." "Six cities in seven nights." "All right, time to go." "Last chance." "You wanna come along?" "No?" "Okay." "Well, I'd love to, but I got a lot of stuff to do here." "Man behind the curtain stuff, you know." "This time next year, you're gonna have your own tour bus." "Action figures, bobble heads, inflatable dolls." "Bye, Pastor Bob." "Thanks." "Seatbelt doesn't seem to work." " Yours?" " Yeah, you'll be all right." "Well, Pastor Bob sure is nice, huh?" "Sure seems to like you a lot." "So, can you actually support yourself as a... a catcher?" "Well, sure, you can." "Yeah." "Besides, you don't always choose your job, right?" "Sometimes your job chooses you." "Well, I don't think you're gonna have much to do." "Well, we'll see." "Hi." "Is this Doreen?" "Hi, Doreen." "It's... it's Jack Harriman." "Yeah." "Well, I'm, uh, I'm in town, giving a talk tonight." "I just thought..." "Yeah." "Perfect." "Okay." "All right." "I'll see you then." "See the blonde?" "Third row." "Holy Tole..." "Should, uh, go..." "Go sit down next to her." "When the speech is over, bring her backstage." "What if she won't come back?" "You're a catcher, right?" "Go catch." "Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Harriman." "Are we not... clapping?" "Hi." "Guess what?" "Good news." "I'm not here to save you." "You're here to save yourselves." "So, um, I..." "I just wanna let you know that I need to get to know a guy before I go any further." "Baby, come back here." "Just..." "Okay." "Ugh... wait, wait, wait!" "No." "She's a business major." "At a junior college." "I could tell she had brains." "You think I'll go to hell for this?" "No, no, no." "Maybe purgatory." "Yeah." "What's the difference?" "In... in purgatory, the flames are just as hot, but you don't end up going there forever like you do in hell." "So, you'll spend a little time there." "I can live with that." "Hey, Jack." "I got a question for you." "That speech you made, you believe everything you said there?" "Do you?" "Yeah, I guess." "Let's see if they believe it in Brownsville." "What about our supper, mini Jesus?" "Do I really wanna cook anything tonight?" "You could always just have cereal." "Thank you, MJ." "Should we, uh, should we get some bananas for our cereal, MJ?" "As long as they're not too ripe." "I think you're right." "I think you're right, MJ." "Thank you." "Thank you for pointing it out." "And you know what?" "Thank you for making it so easy to talk to folks and spread the word." "Guy Roy?" "You've worked here for two... three years now." "I just wanna let you know that you have finally succeeded in totally freaking me out." "Well, I'm sure that our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ freaked out his share of disbelievers as well." "God damn, dude." "That's the shit I'm talking about." "I shall not use the Lord's name in vain." "Amen, MJ." "This is too much." "I'm sorry." "I'm taking you off the schedule." "What?" "You can't take me off the schedule." "Hey." "Wait." "Why?" "Or should I?" "What's in it for me?" "What's the payoff?" "Well, some people strive for a proper life, try to do the right thing out of fear." "Fear of damnation." "Or for the..." "The reward of salvation." "Well, what if there was no endgame?" "What if we..." "did the right thing simply out of compassion?" "Love for our fellow man?" "And our fellow women." "What are you working on?" "Oh, just a..." "Just a little scribbling." "About our trip." "You mind if I take a look?" "It's not real..." "sure." ""And it came to pass on the second day of the journey in the region of Hays County, a merchant of garments posed a question to Jack."" ""Merchant of garments?"" "It was that T-shirt salesman up in San Marcos." "Little flowery." ""A merchant of garments posed a question to Jack." "'How may I find meaning in a life that is consumed with providing for my family?" "'" "Jack said, 'Look within.'"" "Is that what you heard?" "You know..." "I felt like that's what you were suggesting." "What I said to the guy was, "What are you asking me for?" "Do what makes you happy." "Watch TV." "Join a bowling league."" "Right." "You know, I can change it." "I just... back home, I'm part of this writer's group, and it's interesting when we all write about one thing, you know, the different impressions about the same experience." "But in the end, only one of us can be right." "What do you see there?" " A glass." " Wrong." "It's a mug." "See, we're both looking at the same thing." "From your vantage point, it was a glass." "From mine, it's a mug." "The object is constant." "Perspective is different." "Now, the only difference between religion and that mug is I'm not willing to kill you to prove it's a mug." "Jack, that's actually quite good." "You gonna use that tonight?" "I don't do props." "He doesn't do props." "Where does knowledge come from, MJ?" "All knowledge is born from the fear of God." "And why should people be good?" "To avoid the eternal damnation in the fiery hell storm of Satan's lair among all the other non-believers." "You mean to tell me that people aren't basically good?" "That's a good one, reverend." " What do you think?" " It's a little dark." "We're committed to saving souls." "You should be committed." "No, no, you don't understand." "I have tapped into a whole new younger demographic with MJ here." "Clearly." "Look, reverend, I'm sorry, but this just isn't going to work out." "But best of luck." "To the both of you." "Bob." "Hey, Bob!" "It's not too late to repent." " Hey." " Hi." " Gloria." " Yes." "Yeah." "Your photo doesn't do you justice." "Thank you." "Did... do you..." "Do you want me to come inside?" "No, let's go grab a drink." "Okay." "Do you believe in soul mates?" "Did you read that book?" "I feel you and I are soul mates." "I don't live with my mother anymore." "Just..." "Um, I moved out recently." "I'm so tired of spending time with people that just have no sense of spirituality." ""Get out," is what she said to me." "I have warts, but I don't have them in the bad place." "I had to break up with my ex-boyfriend because his room was so not feng shui, and it was hard for me to have an orgasm." "Watch where you're going, you fucking asshole!" "People have told me my voice is very soothing." "Wouldn't the world be a better place if more people were spiritual?" "I love you." "Do you believe in soul mates?" "I think I already said that." "It doesn't matter because" "I think I believe in soul mates, and I think..." "I think what you would say..." ""Do y believe in soul mates?"" "Is he a biter, Reverend?" "No." "No, I think he's a good dog." "I think he's a good dog." "Aren't you, buddy?" "Aren't you, buddy?" "Mini Jesus!" "Faith." "It's a curious thing, isn't it?" "To believe in something absolutely." "Without question." "Without reason." "Faith can keep us going." "Or it can make us do monstrous things." "And you can believe with all your heart in, um... in the Bible." "The stories depicted there that may or may not have happened thousands of years ago." "And if you live your life according to those teachings in a positive way, nobody gets hurt in the process, then you put your faith to good work." "How about reincarnation?" "If that's your thing." "You follow that path, embrace that in a positive way, how's anybody gonna argue with that?" "If you believe that outer space is filled with tiny little creatures that travel between the planets in flying saucers... and their company gives you peace, in your mind, that's great." "That's great." "Me, I don't know." "I don't know about any of those beliefs." "I guess I don't have the faith." "But what I do know... is that we all have this life here." "Now." "In common with each other." "So, believe what you wanna believe." "Really, it's all, it's all fine." "Me..." "I'm gonna concentrate on this life, because this is the only one that even a person without faith cannot deny." "And we are all... all of us here for the..." "Briefest amount of time." "We gotta make that count for something, don't we?" "For each other?" "For ourselves." "You got a name?" "Marian." "What's your story, Marian?" "Following me?" "Why would I follow somebody who doesn't know where he's going?" "That's good." "I like that." "Can I use that?" "If you're lucky." "So, um, how does this work, Jack?" "Is this where I tell you how much we have in common and then you show me the light?" "'Cause I have to admit, it is a..." "pretty sweet deal." "Let's do it." "Oh, I don't have much experience at this, but I know that that hasn't stopped you before." "Not what you thought it was gonna be, is it, Jack?" "Why are you doing this?" "You seem to know everything." "You tell me." "I wanna hear your version." "I'm selling ideas for cash." "Whose ideas are they?" "Theirs." "Ironic, isn't it?" "I don't have any original thoughts." "Not a single one." "Don't claim to." "How convenient." "People are desperate for answers." "Any answer." "Doesn't matter if I believe it or not." "Long as they do." "And I'm giving 'em hope." "It's all part of the show." "So, those desperate people who believe in you who come to you for comfort, they're all just part of your show?" "Oh, Jack, you're not that guy." "I know it'd be so much easier for you if you were, but..." "What do you want from me?" "You know what, what do you care anyway?" "Fuck!" "Open the goddamn door!" "Open the goddamn door, you fucking pussy!" "Open the goddamn door!" "You motherfucker!" "You owe me $300!" "Fuck!" "You all right?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, yeah, I'm great." "You got somebody you can call?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I've got someone I can call." "They just probably wouldn't pick up the phone." "I can give you a ride somewhere if that's what you need." "I'm actually closed for the evening." "Looks like you've had an ugly night." "Thought maybe you might wanna leave it behind." "What, and leave all this?" "Stop." "I'm fine." "Please." "Okay." "All right." "Well, I'm right here." "If you need anything." "Anyway, that pastor was having a barbecue, and one of his dogs mounted another, right?" "So they, all of a sudden, just couldn't get 'em unstuck." "You ever see that happen?" "They were just trying to pry 'em and everything." "Nobody could do anything." "Everybody was having a laugh at that error in nature." "So, we had to take 'em to the vet, and, uh, that's where I saw your little pamphlet thing, and I came to your show." "Oh, by the way..." "I made these." "Now, I like 'em." "I think they're simple, and we can just pass 'em out to everybody that comes to the show, right?" "Uh, check-in's 3:00." "We should get there about noon." "Should we get some food?" "Yeah." "I'm starving." "Is she still asleep back there?" "Like a hibernating bear." "It's interesting." "What?" "So little clothing, so much baggage." "Pretty proud of yourself, aren't you?" "I made that up back on the freeway, but I just needed to make sure she was asleep." "I got down on my hands and knees." "I said, "Lord, you gotta help me through this." "I'm not gonna be able do this myself."" "Man, I'll tell you, from 50 to 75," "I don't remember nothin'." "I just remember laying people down in front of me." "I cannot believe to this day that I got to 88." "I started double-teaming 'em." "Going to the next, laying 'em on their backs." "Put their little heads on the..." "Where the fuck are we?" "We're right here." "You want something to eat?" "I'm Jack." "That's Nigel." "Hey." "Amber." "Morning, Amber." "You guys in trouble or something?" "I hope not." "You're not, like, running from anybody?" "The cops aren't after you?" "Not yet, no." "All right, well..." "It's $50 for head and $100 for everything else." "Which one of you wants to fuck me first?" "It's the deal, isn't it?" "There's no deal." "Then what the fuck am I doing here?" "I don't know." "You tell me." "All right, look, dude..." "It's Jack." "You can call me Jack." "Okay, Jack." "All I'm saying is that a guy that turns down pussy is either up to something or there's something wrong with him." "What the fuck are you writing down?" "Whoa." "All right." " Calm down there, miss." " Oh, that's really cute." "Well, Amber... there's the road." "You can hit it if you want to." "Oh, don't think I won't." "Just let me inspect it." "She's a charmer." "Let's go." "She's gonna take your money first chance she gets." "What money?" "That's not the point, Jack." "The Lord is testing our resolve, MJ." "Ow!" "Keep your faith, MJ." "We need to deliver God's message." "It's our mission." "It is our path to eternal salvation." "Isn't it?" "Isn't it?" "MJ." "All right, well, we're all set." "She's on her way." "What?" "How do you know?" "I saw her walking from the hotel there." "Oh, Amber." "Yeah." "Good." "Here." "I don't know what you're expecting, but getting her clothes and a room and all that..." "Well, it's the least Bob could do." "Right." "Hey." "What do you got against Amber, anyway?" "Other than the fact that she's a... a prostitute?" "Then, you know, nothing at all." "Sweet girl." "Let me tell you something, Nigel." "Everyone can use a catcher now and then." "Oh, no." "I..." "I didn't mean nothing by it." "I know." "I know." "Look, just, uh... keep an eye on her tonight." " Okay?" " Yeah, sure." "I really didn't..." "I'm all flustered." "Got my tie all messed up." "I once heard something I thought was profound." ""Everybody's doing the best they can."" "That had an impact on me." "It allowed for an element of patience when I was dealing with others." "I'll tell you that." "But let's think about that for a second." "Is everybody doing the best they can?" "Are they?" "And if so, why?" "Is it because people really are basically good?" "Is it because we do things because they feel right?" "When I see somebody who's having a hard time, down on their luck, sad... alone... all I can think about is... somebody loves that person." "Somebody they were nice to." "Somebody they went to school with." "Somebody they fought a war with." "Somebody who raised them." "Somebody's thinking about that person right now and hoping that they're happy." "No matter what they've done." "You see, it's..." "It's really easy to forgive other people." "It is hard to forgive yourself." "And it is hard to believe that you are loved." "Believe that you are loved." "That's the best you can do." "Did I tell you the story about when I stole that tractor?" "Okay." "Maybe another time." "Actually, no, go ahead." " Tell us." " I don't wanna get you" " out of your zone there." " No, no." "Love to hear it." "Okay." "I was working for my uncle in Lubbock, and I didn't really know what I was doing." "I was trying..." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "Fair enough." "Well... call me if you need me." "Yeah." "Either Bob or myself." "Sorry you didn't get to catch anybody." "Maybe on the next tour, all right?" "Okay." "Bye." "You gonna stay in the back seat?" "Still wondering what the deal is?" "Mm, no." "That's good." "Someone must be having a party." "Cool." "Hey, what's going on?" "There's a man up ahead." "He's got the answers to everything you ever wanted to know." "What was that?" "Let's just say we have history." "Hey, is that him?" "Hey, that's him." "Oh, sick." "Hey." "Get in here." "So, are you always this popular?" "No." "Normally, I hang Sheetrock and wallpaper in relative obscurity." " Y-ellow." " Hi, Bob." "What the fuck have you done now?" "Jack, welcome back." "I got the cast of Grapes of Wrath hanging out on my front lawn." "How'd they find me?" "That's awesome." "How many are..." "Don't do a headcount, but..." "Oh, you think that's funny?" "It's not fuckin' funny, Bob, okay?" "Look, just get over here." "Fix this." " I want them gone." " You gotta relax." "Cavalry's on its way." "I'll take care of this, okay?" "Just chill out." "I can just go talk to them and see what they want." "No." "No." "We're staying here." "Well, don't you think that you should go talk to them?" "What?" "Me?" "No." "Yeah, you." "They're here to see you." "No." "Bob's mess." "He can fix it." "They're just people, Jack." "Hey, Jack." "Hey, he's coming." "Put the hot dog down." "Hey, y'all, it's Jack." "I know you're all here in search of something." "Yes, sir." "I expect some of you came from pretty far away, huh?" "Some of you are tired." "Stressed out." "I know how that feels." "Well, I wish I had some wisdom for you, but I don't." "Just as lost as you are." "Amen, brother." "No, see, no." "No!" "That..." "Yep." "Amen." "I'm not a man of the cloth." "You wanna pray?" "All right, pray." "Pray... pray for each other." "Or don't pray." "That's fine with me too." "Either way." "I think it's best that y'all just... just go home." "Well, you say we should go home, but some of these folks ain't got no home." "Well, I can't help you there." "See?" "Man you all came here for doesn't know jack shit." "The city has shelters." "Uh..." "Just across the lake, there's a state park." "They allow camping." "You want to serve something?" "Why don't you serve each other?" "Help each other out." "No, thanks." "You might want to..." "slow down." "Oh, my God." "Somebody help him." " Is he all right?" " I'm sure he'll be fine." " He's dead." " What?" "Somebody call 911." "All right, okay." "Move." "All right." "All right, Jack." "What do you need?" "What are you doing?" " Whoa!" " Oh, my God!" "Saints be praised!" "That man was dead as a door knob." " Praise Jesus." " Amen." "Amen." "And..." "And Jack Harrison here, he raised me from the pit of death." " Uh, it's Harriman." " It's truly a miracle." " Harriman." " Yes, it is." "And, no, I didn't." "You choked on some food." "I cleared your air passage." "I tell you what," "I seen that dang ol' tunnel of light." "Tell us." " And Jack Harrison, here..." " Harriman." "He raised me from the pit of death." "There was my old buddies already passed over, they was waving howdy at me, and my grandma welcoming me with open arms." "Testify, Lonnie." "I've been there." "I've seen the..." "I've seen the whole nine yards." "Preach it, brother." "You wasn't gone that long..." "Shut up, Carl." "Like Lazarus..." " It was a miracle." " I was dead." "It's a miracle." "And I..." "I'm alive." " All right, listen..." " I've never been more alive!" " Praise Jesus!" " Atta boy, Lonnie!" "Everybody... there was no miracle here today." "You want to believe something?" "Believe that." "Everybody, just please... leave." " Okay." " Not you." " Okay." "No, you guys go." " Go home." "What was it like, Lonnie?" "Welcome back, Lonnie." "What was it like on the other side, Lonnie?" "Yep." "Pretty sure I made a catch on one or two of them in the tent revival about a month ago." "Speaking of, nice catching out there today, catcher." "I was out of position." "You were out of position." "It took that guy an hour to hit the ground." " I was writing." " No, you weren't." " I was..." " Surprisingly good hot dogs." "What'd I miss?" "Hey, Bob." "Good of you to come." "Drummin' up business for the show." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Listen, I don't think I can do this shit anymore." "I..." "I need my privacy." "I..." "I come home, I got over 300 e-mails, plus I got the God squad camped out on my front yard," "I can't..." "I'm fuckin' tired." "All right?" "These are just growing pains, Jack." "It's nothing to worry about." "It's all part of the master plan." "Oh, there's a plan?" "That's comforting." "There's something happening here." "Who are you, again?" "No, she's right, Jack." "I mean, look," "I don't think you raised that weird guy from the dead or nothin', but I seen him out on the road here." "He is affecting people." "You are, Jack." "Whether you like it or not." "All I'm saying is that..." "Jack just looked at me, and that's all it took." "Quit staring at my tits." "Am I fuckin' high right now?" "I mean, it's bad enough" "I gotta put up with the unwashed masses thinking" "I'm the fuckin' Second Coming." "Now I gotta hear it from you guys." "This is..." "Amber." "You can stay." "I don't want to hear another word about this, all right?" "Bob, Nigel, good night." " What?" " Go." "Come on." "Let's go." "Why does she get to stay?" "Do I have to explain that to you?" "Morning, Jack." "What are you doin'?" "You scared the shit out of me." "Leave me alone." "All right?" "Get the fuck out of here!" "Put my boat back." "God can clean your soul faster than I can clean your windshield." "Blessed be to Jesus." "Blessed be His holy name." "Guy Roy." "Bob?" "Hey, I want to talk to you." "I got business to discuss with you." "My day's goin' great." "I'm standin' on a street corner." " You know whose..." " Fine." "Get in." "Get in!" "I can't just stop here." "You know what?" "I gotta tell you something, man." "You gotta stop makin' a spectacle out of yourself." "I have been banished from my place of employment, my landlord is about to toss me into the street, and the minions of evil have struck upon me with a great and swift fury, as a hammer to an anvil," "but I will not bend." "Yeah, well, it's no excuse for lurking' on street corners." "I mean, look, you did a shitty job washing the windshield." "Your rag is dirtier than the glass." " You owe me." " How do you figure that?" "Because you didn't deliver on your promise." "I deserve air time." "If I have air time, I won't need street corners." "I'm going to be honest with you, Guy Roy." "You're not television material." "Look at yourself." "You have been persuaded by lies." "Lies of the popular culture." "Lies of politicians." "Lies of Jack Harriman." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, I remember his name because he stole my show." "He stole my following." "All right." "Here's where you get out, Reverend Davis." "One day, I will be looking down from among the heavenly host to see both you and Jack Harriman burning in the flames of eternal damnation, and I will throw another log on the fire." "With pleasure." "That is just terrible." "And not very Christian, and I'm going to pray for you." "Get the hell out of my car." "You have not seen the last of Guy Roy Davis." "Serpent shows himself." "Only to taunt and torment me." "Yes, I know who you are." "Hey, man, be cool." "Stay the fuck away from my girlfriend, Jack." "If I get up, are you going to hit me again?" "No." "Oh, hi, Marian." "Oh, Jack, you're bleeding." "Why are you stalking me?" "Walk with me, Jack." "So, you talk about love, acceptance, tolerance, and it's..." "all very inclusive, but... well, people are drawn to you, Jack." "And that's a problem." "You're worried I'm going to lead them astray." "No." "It's not them I'm worried about." "Jack, is there any part of you that believes in anything that you say?" "Okay, well, what about the people that believe in you?" "Don't they matter?" "To tell you the truth, I'm... having a hard time giving a shit." "So, you don't care about the people that you've touched?" " Yes, I don't care." " Okay, what about Amber?" "All right." "Who the fuck are you?" "You're not that big of a hypocrite, Jack." "Oh, you're overestimating me." "Oh, grow up." "This..." "This indifference is just..." "It's not indifference." "It's detachment." "Like a Buddhist." "Okay." "All right, Jack." "Once and for all, what do you believe?" "I don't fuckin' know!" "All right?" "I don't have a fucking clue." "And guess what." "Nobody does." "Because you can't know the unknowable." "I mean, what..." "What was happening before the Big Bang?" "What's the universe expanding into?" "Are we..." "Are we just a failed experiment?" "Are we..." "Are we fuckin' miracles?" "Personally, I find peace in not knowing." "Most do not." "So, they make up fuckin' stories." "Stories that keep them comfy so they can sleep at night." "And these stories have such fuckin' arbitrary rules." "Don't they?" "But they're rules that people are willing to die for." "And kill for." "'Cause it's not enough that you believe your own story." "You gotta be absolutely fuckin' certain that everybody else is wrong." "People fly planes into buildings because they're absolutely certain." "They blow up abortion clinics." "Decisions made by people looking beyond this life are fucking dangerous." "You know what I believe in?" "Marian?" "I believe in myself." "Because that is the only thing that I really fuckin' know." "Well, that's, uh... very impressive, Jack." "But a revelation like that without... compassion... is just complaining." "You know what your problem is?" "You're so wrapped up in your own petty resentments and your own ego that you can't see the world in front of you." "Fuck." "What are you doin'?" "Hey." "Oh, my God." "What happened to you?" "You're bleeding." "I was trying to avoid hitting a deer." "You look pitiful." "Here, sit down." "Okay, let me look at you." "Oh, does it hurt?" "No, it's fine." "It's fine." "Let me look at it." "No, just let me look at it." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Okay." "It's not that bad." "I'll go get, like, a wet rag or something." "Oh, hey." "I mean, as long as you're down there..." "Oh, fuck." "I'm sorry." "No, Jack." "Don't be sorry." " Hey, what are you doing?" " Don't be sorry." " Don't." "Don't." " Is that what you want, Jack?" " No, I don't..." " No, you want me" " to suck your big cock?" " No, I don't." "You want me to suck your fucking cock?" "You stop it." "Oh, God, Jack, is that the best you can do?" "Really?" "Really?" "You're just going to act like an asshole so that nobody expects anything from you?" "I have been fucked by so many assholes, Jack, and you are not even close to being one of them." "Enjoy your fucking hangover." "Hey, God damn it!" "You got any idea what time it is?" "Turn that shit off before I call the cops." "Amber." " What?" " You decent?" "Are you?" "Made some coffee." "Thanks." "I had mine four hours ago." "Uh..." "listen, uh, about last night, I..." "What do all these wonderful people want from me?" "No, I said, "Go fish."" "Answers." "Me too." "Ah, there it is." "You're littering." "What do you want me to do?" "You want to hit one?" "Go ahead." "Okay." " This should be good." " Shut up." "All right." "Mm." "Bend your knees a little bit." "Stand up a little straighter." "Bend your knees a little bit." "There you go." "Good." "Concentrate." "Keep your eye on the ball." "Swing away." "Oh, sh..." "Shut up." "There you go." "Perfect." "Fore!" "You know you're littering." "Mom." " Come here." " Hi, Mom." "Oh." "I met your friends downstairs." "They seem really nice." "And she..." "She seems to know everything there is to know about me." "It's very weird." "I don't even know if she's..." "I don't even know if she's real, Mom." "I don't..." "I don't get it." "She could have been a vision, sweetheart." "Did you ever consider that?" "Let me feel your forehead." "It's just as I suspected." "What?" "Am I hot?" "No." "Your third eye is a little bloodshot." "When's the last time you saw an acupuncturist?" "And that's my mom." "You know, the word on the streets of Calcutta is that she and I were twins in Atlantis at one time." "Right?" "What are you doing, Mom?" "Just hold still." "Hold still!" "You're thinning a little on top, Jack." " That's great." " Yeah, that's great!" "That makes you feel good?" "Son's going bald?" "My son is opening his crown to heaven." "I wouldn't be so quick to discount this vision of Marian." "Forgive us, Amber." "This is how baboons bond with each other." "Stop it." "It's called socialized grooming." "At what, um..." "What happened to Australia, by the way?" "Nothing that I know of." "Did I miss some news?" "You told me you were going to Melbourne, so." "Oh." "No." "I got Amber's e-mail, and I came as quickly as I could." " I needed reinforcements." " And you did the right thing." "Sometimes you just need your mom, you know?" "The universe will do what it's going to do, Amber." "And there's always a reason for it." "You just have to be willing to deal with any obstacles." "Especially obstacles of your own making." "Sounds familiar." "Mom." " You must be tired, right?" " Mm-hmm." "I did a little meditating over the Atlantic." "I feel pretty good." "But I could sleep." "Well, you get my bed tonight." "I'm glad you're my mom this time around." "My little baby boy." " Good night." " Good night." "She's lovely." "Morning." " Thank you." " You're welcome." "Good morning, Jack." "Hey, Lonnie." "Guys." "Something like that." " I'll check it out." " Okay." "All right, it's show time." "Okay." "You can do this." "Thanks, Mom." "All right." "Hey, we got a pretty big crowd here." "You ready?" "I think so." "All right, what I want you to do is imagine that they're all in their underwear." "I saw that on an episode of The Brady Bunch, and it seemed like it worked." "Yeah, I saw that one too." "See you later." "Hey, uh..." "Stay close to Mom today." "And Amber." "Jack, I..." "I got a confession to make." "I'm a liar." "Just the accent and... working revivals and..." "I've never caught anybody." "I mean, I caught that one guy." "That just... was because I was standing there." "And I took advantage of it." " I just needed a job." " I know." "You did?" "Also, nothing I've written has ever been published." "Well... this is shaping up to be a pretty good story." "Right?" "Come on, Jack!" "There he is, the one-man circus." "Guy Roy." "If you and that creepy-ass puppet aren't out of here in two seconds," "I'm calling security." "You gotta go." "You gotta go." "You gotta go." "Fine." "Security." "Bob, wait." "He needs our help." "Get back." "Are you sure?" "I'm certain." " Gotta get out of here." " Let's go." "Let's go." "They shot him." " Come here." " Jack." "Look what you've done!" "I'm glad you finally made a catch." "Somebody get help!" "Get help please!" "Jack." "Look at me, Jack." "Stay awake." "Stay awake." "Jack." "Jack, stay awake." "Jack." "Stay awake." "Jack." "Somewhere in the vast expanse between reason and faith lies possibility." "It's all up to us... to touch people by sharing our stories and listening to theirs." "To take care of each other." "Imperfect people in an imperfect world." "To love and be loved." "Forgive and accept forgiveness." "To choose our lives or to change them." "Create, not destroy." "And if we can somehow find our place here make this a heaven on Earth, anything is possible."