"Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore." "I got Jim's, uh, old job." "Which means, at my ten-year high school reunion, it will not say, "Ryan Howard is a temp."" ""Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm."" "That'll show'em." "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that." "Me too." "I think we're just drunk." "No, I'm not drunk." "Are you drunk ?" "No." "Jim." "You're really gonna marry him ?" "Okay." "Jim is gone." "He's gone." "I miss him so much." "Oh, I cry myself to sleep." "Jim !" "False." "I do not miss him." "The Office US 3x01 "Gay Witch Hunt"" "Transcript :" "Nikki" "Subtitles be the Catch-22 Team EZtoms, Keyshawn, Occeane, Titus Pullo, Unfold." "No, that is the fun of this place." "I call everybody "faggy." Why would anyone find that offensive ?" "Okay, I think Oscar would just like if you used "lame" or something like that." " That's what "faggy" means." " No, not really." " Apparently, you called Oscar faggy." " Yeah." "For liking the move "Shakespeare in Love" more than an action movie." "It wasn't just an action move, it was "Die Hard."" "All, all right, Michael, but Oscar's really gay." " Exactly." " I mean for real." " Yeah, I know." " No, he's attracted to other men." "Okay, little too far." "Crossed the line." "Okay, I am telling you, Oscar is an actual homosexual." "Yeah, he told me this morning." "And obviously he hopes he can count on your discretion." "I would've never called him that if I knew." "You don't..." "you don't call retarded people retards." "It's bad taste." "You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded." "And I consider Oscar a friend." "Listen man, I am so sorry." "I had no idea." " Oh, it's fine." " No." " It's okay, it's okay." " No, it's not." "I just" "I feel terrible about it." "I..." "I have been calling people faggy since I was in junior high, and I have never made this mistake." "If I don't know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way." "You know ?" "I'm just" " I-I can't even imagine- the... thing." "Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime, and you could tell me... how you do that to another dude." "That sounds like a great, wonderful idea." "Let's do that." "It explains so much." "No, I'm not gay." "And I don't understand why anyone would think that I'm gay if..." "Yeah, I'm gay." "I can't say whether Dunder Mifflin paper is less flammable, sir, but" "I can assure you that it is certainly not more flammable" "Why did I transfer to Stamford ?" "I... think that's pretty obvious." "I got promoted." "And you can't beat that view." "Right ?" "Hey, Big Tuna." "You're single, right ?" "Mm-hmm." "Yeah, I am." "Pretty hot, huh ?" "She's completely crazy." "Steer clear, Big Tuna." "Head for open waters." "Okay." "Okay." "I ate a tuna sandwich on my first day... so Andy started calling me Big Tuna." "I don't think any of them actually know my real name." "Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy, you know ?" "Cut-your-throat-to-get-ahead type of guy." "But," "I mean, I'm not threatened by him." "I went to Cornell." "You ever heard of it ?" "I graduated in four years, I never studied once," "I was drunk the whole time, and I sang in the a capella group, "Here comes Treble."" "So, end of day, we are going to have a little diversity policy freshener, because of some more problems at the Scranton branch." "And I have a list of business startups I got from the Chamber." "Yes, I am going to need someone to cold call them." "Oh, I can do that." "Tuna's nice enough" "I don't-I don't know how well he's fitting in here." "He's always looking at the camera like this." "What is that ?" "Can you tell who's gay and who's not ?" "Of course." "What about Oscar ?" " Absolutely not." " Well, he is." "Well, he's not dressed in women's clothes, so..." "There could be others." "I need to know." "I don't want to offend anybody else." "You could assume everyone is, and not say anything offensive." "Yeah." "I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay." "Hey, what about Angela ?" "She's hard and severe." "She could be a gay woman." " I really don't think so." " I don't know." "I can imagine her with another woman." "Can't you ?" "Do some research." "Find out if there's a way to tell by just looking at'em." "Jim told me you could by gaydar online." "That's ridiculous." "Yeah, probably." "He didn't tell the truth a lot." " Let's call him and get the website." " Definitely." "What's gaydar ?" "Oh, oh, gaydar, yes !" "No, uh, I think they have it at Sharper Image." "Oh, you know what ?" "I can check for you." "No problem." "It's sold out." "Yeah, sorry about that." "That's a bummer." " Well, they're sold out." " Damn." "Try Brookstone." "I miss that." "Chicken or fish ?" "chicken." " So, you, uh, having a good day ?" " Excellent." "Thanks." "Good." "I'm glad." "Okay ." "Yeah, I didn't go through with the wedding." "I got cold feet a few days before, and..." "I can't really explain it." "I just had to get out of that relationship." "We still had to pay for all the food." "So we froze it." "But I'm..." "I'm doing well." "I have my own apartment, and I'm taking art classes, and I have lunch for the next five weeks." "After Pam dumped me, I, um..." "I kind of stopped taking care of myself for a while there, and, uh..." "I hit bottom when, uh..." "I had a drunk driving arrest." "I've been working out, and, um..." "you know," "I'm not gonna take her for granted." "I gotta win her back." "I got them a toaster." "They called off the wedding and gave the toaster back to me." "I tried to return the toaster to the store, and they said they no longer sold that kind of toaster." "So now my house has got two toasters." "It is so cool that you're gay." "I totally underestimated you." "Yes, I am super cool." "I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company." "In Scranton." "Much like, uh, Sir Ian McKellen." "Sure, sometimes I watch "Will  Grace."" "And I want to throw up." "It's terribly loud." "I do like it sometimes, when Harry Connick Jr. is on." "He's so talented." "Okay." "Who put my calculator is Jell-O ?" "Good one." "But, uh, seriously." "Guys, who did this ?" "Seriously, guys." "Who did this ?" "I need to know who put my calculator in Jell-O or I'm gonna lose... my freakin'mind !" "You know, it-it's amazing to me that in this day and age, you could be so... obtuse... a-about sexual orientation !" "I watch "The L Word,"" " Okay ?" " Good, good." "I watch "Queer as [beep]."" " That's not what it's called." " So..." "Okay, Michael, are you aware that you outed Oscar today ?" "What ?" "What does that even..." "Coming out is a significant moment for a gay person." "And they should be allowed to select the timing and manner of announcing it." "Well, gay pride, right ?" "Gay pride parade ?" "It's not like..." "Gay Shame Festival." "All right, now Oscar's feeling discriminated against by his coworkers, primarily Angela, and, um..." "that's your fault." "I think Angela might be gay." "Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair ?" " No." " Maybe." "Is that what this is about ?" " No." " I don't." "No." "It's not possible." " Anything's possible." " Okay, you know, imagine... you were gay." "Well, I'm not gay, Jan, and you should know that better than anybody." "Michael !" "Your immaturity is extremely disappointing and may even lead to a lawsuit, which is the absolute last thing this company needs right now," " Do you understand ?" " I know." "The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays." "Am I the first gay man you ever knew ?" "Trick question." "Because you can't always tell, so how would I know ?" "Was that the right answer ?" " Yep ?" " Michael," "Dwight's looking at gay pornography on his computer." "Uh, Michael knows, Pam." "Okay, he asked me to do this just for him." "He has his own reasons." "O kay." "Nothing wrong with this stuff." "At all." "This is fine." "You know what ?" "Gay porn, straight porn, it's all good." "I don't particularly get into this, but, uh..." "You know what ?" "I totally see the merit." "And, actually..." "It is quite beautiful." " Oh, damn popups." " What are you doing ?" " Watching some of your friends." " This is stupid." " Excuse me." " Don't touch me." "Help !" "Ow." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Stop it !" "All right, everybody in the conference room." "I don't care if you are gay or straight or a lesbian, or overweight." "Just get in here !" "Right now !" "Did you know that "gay" used to mean "happy"?" "When I was growing up, it meant "lame."" "And now it means a man who makes love to other men." "We're all homos." "Homo sapiens." "Gays aren't necessaril y who you think they are, people." "I mean, anybody can be gay." "Businessmen." "Like antique dealers, or hairdressers, or... accountants." "Oscar, why don't you take this opportunity to officially come out to everybody here, however you want to do it." "Go ahead." "Stand up." "I'm doing this for you." "Yes, I'm gay." "And..." "I didn't plan on sharing that part of my life with you today, so..." "Whatever." "Can I sit down now ?" "I am not offended by homosexuality." "In the'60s, I made love to many, many women." "Often outdoors." "In the mud and the rain." "And it's possible a man slipped in." "There would be no way of knowing." "Who, should be the judges and juries of our society ?" "Judges and juries." "Yes, that's a good point." "She has a good point." "Because gay marriage, currently, is not legal under U.S. law." "I bet a lot of straight men wished that applied to them." "So they could go out there and have some torrid, unabashed, monkey sex." "As much as they could." "You know, that sounds pretty good, right ?" "That sounds great." "Yeah, Dwight ?" "I think all the other office gays should identify themselves, or I will do it for them." " No one else in this office is gay." " What about Phyllis ?" "She makes absolutely no attempt to be feminine." "I'm getting married to Bob Vance." " You are ?" " Congratulations !" " When did you get that ?" "!" " That's great." "Congratulations, Phyllis." "That is great." "And frankly, kind of amazing." "See ?" "Everybody has a chance." " Thank you." " But still, Phyllis..." "In college, did you ever experiment with other women ?" "A lot of women do." "No, and you know me in high school." "Of course, we all thought you were gay in high school." "Yeah, right." "Ha, ha !" "And I take that as a compliment." "Well, with your ties and your matching socks" "Well, I just liked to look good, okay, so" "You sound pretty defensive, Michael." "No, I am just coming out myself." "I am coming out hetero." "I think the problem with this office is that YOU are sending mixed signals about my being here." "No, no, no." "The only signal that I am sending is," ""Gay good." Look, if I was gay," "I would be the most flamboyant gay you've ever seen." "I would be leading the parade covered in feathers, and just..." "I'd be waving that rainbow flag." "I don't think I can work here any longer." "This has been the worst, most backwards day of my life." "You misunderstand-okay." "All right." "Ba-ba-ba-ba-bop." "You know what ?" "Okay." "Okay." "I, uh..." "I'm gonna put my money where my mouth is." "You ready ?" " What are you doing ?" " I am going to embrace Oscar." "You might want to watch this, Angela, because you can't catch anything." "Here we go." " No." " We are going to make a statement." "You and I are going to make a statement together." " Oscar is my friend." " I'd rather not." " And I just don't care who sees it." " I..." " Doesn't bother me." " I really would- would-I'd really rather not." "Come here, friend." "You're my friend." "No, NO !" "I don't want to touch you !" "Ever consider that ?" "You're ignorant." "And insulting." "And small." "Okay." "All right." "I'm sorry, Michael." "Michael." "I'm sorry." "That was a good idea." "Come on." "Come on." "All right." " I'm sorry I called you "faggy."" " I know, I know." " You're not faggy." " I know you are." " You're a good guy." " You too." "Michael appears to be gay too." "And yet, he is my friend." "I guess I do have a gay friend." "You know what ?" "I'm gonna raise the stakes." " You don't... really don't..." " I want you to watch this." "And I want you to burn this into your brains." " I don't think we need to" " Because this is an image that I want you people to remember." "For a long time to come." "Whenever you come into the office, I want you to think about this." "We don't need to" " Yes, we do." " What ?" "I did it." " Thank you." " Thank you." "See ?" "I'm still here." "We're all still here." "Oh, come one, Dwight !" "Come on, man !" "We're not in the playground anymore." "There are new rules." "We have to be matur e" ", but we can't lose the spirit of childlike wonder." "What is love, anyway ?" "Maybe it's suppose to break all the rules." "Like me and Jan." "Or Oscar and some guy." "Life is short." "When two people find each other..." "what should stand in their way ?" "It is very easy for you to be a hero." "All you need are honesty, empathy, respect, and open-mindedness." "I'm glad today spurred social change." "That's part of my job as regional manager." "But you know what, even if it didn't, at least we put this matter to bed." "That's what she said." "Or he said." "Oh, there's Gil, Oscar's roommate." "I wonder if he knows." "I was going to quit, but Jan offered me a three month paid vacation and a company car." "All I had to do was sign something saying I won't sue." "Gil and I are going to Europe." "Kids, sometimes it pays to be gay." ""Hope this helps, Jim."" "Nice." " What are you doing ?" " Shh." "Don't be scared." "It works." "Heh." "Oh no."