"Jill, you're a seven, right?" "If I'm a seven, you're a four." "Meow!" "I meant your shoe size." "Oh." "In that case, yes." "And sorry for snapping' at ya." "When you have your hair down and gloss those lips, you're a solid six." "Thanks." "I was just hoping to borrow some cowboy boots." "She's got a date with a hillbilly." " He's not a hillbilly." " He's taking you country line dancing, so he's a hillbilly from the early '90s." "Hey, it's still cool to line dance." "I take a line dance aerobics class." "And who's cooler than Marjorie?" "I've got a date with a coordinated man who has a penis." "I'd do the polka, if that's what it took." "Do you even have a clue how to line dance?" "Yeah." "You wear cute boots and dance in a line." "Ugh." "Oh, I did not just hear that." "You are gonna lose that fella to a gal who knows how to tush push you right out of a two wall formation change." "A two wall what?" "All right." "Line up, ladies." "Let's show Christy a little country heat." "Shouldn't we stretch first?" "I got to tinkle." "No, no time." "The Gamblers Anonymous people will be here any minute, and I owe one of them a couple hundred dollars." "Okay, now, this is your basic step." "Follow my lead." "Five, six." "Five, six, seven, eight." "Step, back, side, touch." "Step, back, side, touch." "Pivot, pivot." "Kick ball change, twist, twist..." "Oh, dear Lord, how were you ever a stripper?" "You put glitter on your boobs and Def Leppard's playing." "Nobody's looking at your feet." "Hello?" "Yeah, this is she." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "Okay, well, thanks for calling." " Who was that?" " Uh, some lawyer." "My mother's dead." "Pivot, pivot." "Kick ball change..." "What?" " You doin' all right?" " Yeah." "Why?" "Bonnie, we're your friends." "Knock, knock, let us in." "What?" "You mean my mother?" "I barely knew the woman." "I'm fine." "I wish this was a true medium rare, but I'm fine." "You're not sad that she died?" "No, but you seem to be snottin' it up pretty good." "Okay, I got a little more information." "She was in the hospital, she didn't suffer, she went quick." "Not quick enough." " Oh, Bonnie..." " Oh, Wendy!" "And her landlord wants everything out of the apartment." "So I guess we're going to San Francisco." " Pass." " Pass?" "They can dump her stuff in the bay, for all I care." " Oh, Bonnie..." " That's two!" "You don't want to find out what happens at three!" "You don't." "This is all very fresh." "But when you have a little distance, you might regret not going and getting some closure." "Might help you get rid of some of that anger." " What anger?" " But it's your..." "Do not say "mother"!" "A mother is someone who sticks around, day in, day out, and pays the price, like I did with her." " Well, you didn't exactly..." " Not the time." "Her mother just died, her burger's not pink in the middle, and she's about to punch Wendy." " Couldn't sleep?" " No." "And I was so hoping you'd come downstairs so we could have a deep, life-affirming talk about it." "Kiss my ass." "You know, you might not care that you lost your mother, but I lost my grandmother." "If I kiss your ass, will you leave me alone?" "You do understand we're never gonna see this woman again." "And you understand we never saw her before." "Christy, if you and I had never reconnected and I died, would you have mourned me?" "Yes, I would have." "Oh, come on." "Those years we weren't speaking, did you even think about me at all?" "Every day." " Really?" " Yes." "You never called." "For 18 months, you didn't have phone privileges." "Give me one good reason why I should go to San Francisco and rummage around that old woman's apartment." "And don't give me any of that emotional closure crap." "Maybe you could find some stuff to sell." "You should've led with that." "I'm in." "Hello, Wendy's next birthday present." "Good news... we inherited a closet full of soap operas and a VHS player that was..." "Get this... built in America." "Aw." "She liked soap operas." "I bet she watched them to fill her lonely life." "Oh, grow up, Bambi." "The only reason we're here is to find crap we can sell." "That's your reason." "I came here to learn about my grandmother." "Let me give you a thumbnail: she smoked Camels, wore clogs, and gave away her daughter." "Hey, Cranky, I think you need to eat." "Maybe there's something in the fridge." "Yeah, probably a six-pack of Ensure and some radishes." "Ooh, even better, a shriveled lemon and some batteries." "Aw, she liked lemons." "Probably to put in the tea that she drank while she watched her stories." "Stop it!" "Why can't this be like in the movies, where I wear a black suit and a veil and pretend to cry into a hanky while a lawyer hands me a check, and..." "Oh, my God, you're not gonna believe what I found." "If it's a dead cat, lie to me." "It's a big bag of cash." "Look!" "If it's a dead cat, I am gonna kill you." "No, it really is a big bag of cash!" "Oh, Mommy, I knew you were looking out for me!" "I've got $2,438." "You?" "I got $673." " Really?" " Sorry." "Old habit. $3,084." "Oh, my God." "Altogether, that's, um..." "Carry the six..." "Let's just say we have between five and six grand." " "We"?" " Yeah, "we."" "I don't mean to pull rank here, but she was my mother." "You wouldn't even know about the money if I hadn't dragged you down here." "You just came so you could fence her toaster." "We're still doing that." "Come on, grab the boxes, I'll take the cash." "Nice try." "Let's just go." "It's kind of sad." "The woman lived her whole life, and all she had to show for it were a few tchotchkes and a wad of cash." " And me." " I was including you as a tchotchke." " Who are you?" " Who are you?" "This is my mother's place." "Oh, my God." "Have we been cleaning out the wrong apartment?" "Who exactly is your mother?" "Shirley Stabler." "Wow." "Grandma just got a lot more interesting." "Not so fast." "I know this hustle." " What hustle?" " You scan the obits, find out about an old lady that's dead, show up to her apartment claiming to be a relative." " Who does that?" " I've done it." "Yeah." "It works every time." "Except when you get sloppy." "My mother was white." "So was mine." "Look, here." "This is my mother with my father." "Wow." "There's Grandma with a... black man." "I'm sorry." "That was weird." "I don't know why I whispered." "We have black friends." "I'm sorry, I'm gonna need some proof, Miss... ?" "You first." "Ray Stabler." " Bonnie Plunkett." " Christy Plunkett." "Unfortunately, the only proof I can show you is a picture of the fire station she dumped me at when I was four." "Here's the e-mail we got from a lawyer." "This is crazy." "Are you saying you're my... sister?" "I'm not sayin' nothin' to nobody." "Unbelievable." "I saw her in the hospital right before she passed, and she never mentioned a daughter." "Just said, "Look in the freezer."" "Well, that makes no sense." " Dementia, huh?" " Cancer." "Same thing." "So, uh, let me get this straight." "She kept you?" "I guess it's not what you want to hear, but, yes, she did." "Wow." "Even from the grave, she's finding new ways to stick it to me." "Frozen peas?" "Why would she want me to find these?" "Eh, you know, mothers and vegetables." "Excuse me, I got to take this." "Yeah, Lorraine." " Put him on." " Can you believe this?" "She didn't want the girl but kept the boy?" "Where are we, China?" "Don't we have to tell him about the money?" "No!" "Are you crazy?" "But his mom told him about the freezer." "Yeah, and he got a bag of peas." "Everybody wins." "But now that we're sober, aren't we supposed to be rigorously honest?" "Not when it comes to money." "I'm sorry about that." "Got a trial coming up." "Oh, really?" "What'd they get you for?" "I'm the lawyer." "Oh." "Well, la-Dee-da." "A lawyer." "That's so cool." "You know, I'm actually" " studying to be..." " Not now." "Listen, I'm not really sure what we're supposed to do here." "This is my card." "Give me a call if you ever want to sit down and..." "I don't know... talk." "Well, I don't have a card, seeing as it's not 1947." "Is she always like this?" "No, sometimes she's in a bad mood." "I can come back another time." "Take whatever you need, but if you find any pictures of an adorable black boy, don't throw 'em out." "Hang on." "This makes a lot more sense now." "You threw out my Little League picture?" "That's cold." "Sorry." "We thought you came with the frame." "Okay, I'm just gonna go." "Wait!" "We found a bunch of" " cash in the freezer." " No!" "It's only right if you take half." "How much is there?" " About six grand." " $350." "Six grand." "It's okay." "You keep it." "What's that supposed to mean?" " Means I don't need it." " And we do?" "We do, Mom." "We really do." "Here." "I got news for you, little bro." "You can keep your charity." "I have lived my whole life without any help from that woman." "I do not need a handout now!" "I am so sorry about that." "For someone who wasn't raised by my mother, she sure is a lot like her." "Never, ever say that to her." "Can you move your foot, Uncle Ray?" "You're on a 50." " Here." "Let me help you with that." " Thanks." "This'll really help with tuition." "Where'd you go to school?" "Cal." "How about you?" " Sonoma State." " Good school?" "Ample parking." "You sure you're okay with us taking all of this?" "Yeah, I'm sure." " And another thing!" " Buckle up." "I never even finished high school, and she put you through law school?" "!" "I put me through law school." "I put me through college, I put me through everything." "She gave me nothing." "That's how I feel about you." "Everything I accomplished was in spite of her." "Now I know you had it hard, but believe me, it was no picnic being raised by Shirley." " Abandoned." " Black." " Woman." " Gay." "I think he wins." "My dad left, and every time she looked at me," "I was just a reminder." " Oh, that's so sad." " What about my story?" "It's sad, too." "I've just heard it a lot." "You wish you had her." "I couldn't wait to get away from her." "And now I want to get away from you." "Christy, I wish you nothing but success." "And she'll have it, 'cause she had a mother who loved her and took care of her!" " Really?" " Yeah, yeah." "He doesn't know." "I am so sorry I dragged you there." "I thought you'd get closure with your mom, and now it's just opener." "More open?" "Oh, come on." "Just give me a dirty look so I know you still love me." " It's not your fault." " I know." "I was just making noise 'cause the radio doesn't work." "This is my life." "I get knocked around, kicked in the teeth, and then," "When I finally get good news, like my mother's dead, boom, I get kicked in the teeth again." "That's a funny line." "I'm gonna steal it when you die." "Enjoy it, 'cause I got nothing else to leave you." "Oh, stop feeling sorry for yourself." "Everybody's life is hard." "Oh, not my long-lost brother." "He apparently made something of himself." "Hey, don't discount what you've achieved." "I'm 52 years old, and I manage an apartment building." "You're sticking with 52, huh?" "There's the dirty look." "Mom, we're all doing the best we can." "There's no point in comparing yourself to other people." "Thank you." "Especially a super successful attorney who overcame poverty and racial prejudice." "Oh, you do still love me!" "I still can't believe Bonnie has a brother." "I know." "It's like finding out there was a Jerry Hitler." "How's she handling it?" "You know her." " Oh, you poor thing." " Sorry." "Thanks." "Is she coming to the meeting?" "No." "She's too busy having a meeting with all the angry voices in her head." "Last count, there were seven, and maybe a dog." "Yeah, well, she needs to come." " You tell her." " Maybe I will." "Just be sure to let her smell your hand before you pet her." "As the Sun Sets." "This portion brought to you today by Brim Decaffeinated Coffee." "Fill your cup to the rim with the richness of Brim." "And Lady Whisper Body Spray." "Because... well... you know." "What are you doing here?" " What are you doing here?" " Why aren't you at the meeting?" "I'm not at the meeting 'cause you're not at the meeting." "You want to play 20 Questions, or are you gonna invite me in?" "Fine." "I just don't want to talk about my mother." "You got it." "You know, I had a dead mom I was mad at, too." "For God's sake." "What?" "I'm talking about my mother." "I see." "So this is where we make my problem about you." "Oh, we'll get there." "But since you brought it up, what exactly is your problem?" "Seriously?" "My mother threw me into the foster system, but chose to raise a son." "Okay." "How is that a problem?" "Are you trying to piss me off?" "I'm just saying, that's something that happened a long time ago." "It's only a problem now if you make it one." "I didn't think I could hate that woman any more than I already did." "Can I tell you something Marjorie told me?" "Ugh." "Let me guess." "Pray?" "Go to a meeting?" "Pray at a meeting?" "Do the hokey pokey, turn yourself around?" "She told me to write my mother a letter and tell her everything" "I didn't get a chance to tell her when she was alive." "And where would I mail this letter?" "Do you happen to know the zip code for hell?" "You go to her grave, and you just read it." "Wow." "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." "Yeah, well, I thought so, too, but... it really helped." "And I had a nice weekend in South Carolina." "Bought an antique samovar." "I don't know what that is." "Is that a person?" "A sandwich?" "Make all the jokes you want, but instead of hating my mom day in and day out, now the anger just flares up occasionally." "Like herpes?" "I wouldn't know." "But yes." "Okay, let's do this." ""Dear Mom," ""I have hated you my whole life." ""What kind of person abandons a four-year-old child?" ""I wasn't a baby, you knew me." ""We sang songs together." ""And then I spent... the rest of my life thinking" ""I must've done something wrong, or you would have wanted me." ""Do you know what that does to a person?" ""I drank... because of you." ""I almost lost my child because of you." ""I went to jail because of you." "Because of you, because of you, because of you."" "I can't keep doing this." "You have been the great excuse of my life." "I blamed you for everything." "It's all on you." "God." "I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but  I'm sorry." "I don't like you..." "I don't have to like you..." "But you're not responsible for my life." "I am responsible for my life." "There." "You're off the hook." "Rest in peace." ""Dear Mom, for as long" ""as I can remember, you were never there for me." "You let me down so..""" "What's going on?" "Shh." "Lay down." "Just go with it." "What are you doing?" "I was inspired by what you did, and I realized I still have so much anger towards you," "I thought I should get some of it out." "Wait." "You're doing your dead mom letter now?" "Yeah." "I was in the mood, nothing on TV." "Eh, knock yourself out." "It might help if you crossed your arms." "Like this?" "Perfect." "And breathe shallow." "Nice." ""You let me down so many times, and I learned not to trust.."" " Roar!" " That's going in the letter!"