"[***]" "NARRATOR:" "Newsreel of the Stars." "Dateline:" "Hollywood, 1930." "The Warner Bros. Studio." "Here at the studio's new animation department, the artists toil endlessly to come up with cartoon stars, ultimately creating three new characters, the Warner brothers and their sister, Dot." "WARNERS:" "Hello, Nurse!" "Unfortunately, the Warner kids were totally out of control." "[IN UNISON] Boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy." "The trio ran amok throughout the studio, until their capture." "The Warners' films, which made absolutely no sense, were locked away in the studio vault, never to be released." "As for the Warners themselves, they were locked away in the studio water tower, also never to be released." "Publicly, the studio has disavowed any knowledge of the Warners' existence to this very day when the Warners escaped." "[***]" "ALL:" "* It's time for Animaniacs *" "* And we're zany to the max *" "* So just sit back and relax *" "* You'll laugh Till you collapse *" "* We're Animaniacs *" "BOTH:" "* Come join The Warner brothers *" "* And the Warner sister, Dot *" "ALL:" "* Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot *" "* They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught *" "* But we break loose And then vamoose *" "* And now you know the plot *" "* We're Animaniacs *" "* Dot is cute and Yakko yaks *" "* Wakko packs away the snacks *" "* While Bill Clinton Plays the sax *" "* We're Animaniacs *" "* Meet Pinky and the Brain *" "* Who want to rule The universe *" "* Goodfeathers flock together *" "* Slappy whacks 'em With her purse *" "* Buttons chases Mindy *" "* While Rita sings a verse *" "* The writers flipped We have no script *" "* Why bother to rehearse?" "*" "* We're Animaniacs *" "* We have pay-or-play Contracts *" "* We're zany to the max *" "* There's bologna In our slacks *" "* We're Animan-y *" "* Totally insane-y *" "* Here's the show's name-y *" "* Animaniacs *" "* Those are the facts *" "[***]" "Sure, you may turn away from me now, but as long as I keep drinking my buttermilk," "I can count on growing up with a serious lactose intolerance." "[BURPS]" "And even though I won't be able to digest the stuff," "I'm gonna keep drinkin' my buttermilk." "'Cause it'll always remind me of you and the way you snubbed me when I was young and innocent." "In fact, in later years, I'll become downright obsessed with that memory." "Yeah, I'll spend years tracking' you down." "And when I find ya," "I'll give you exactly what you deserve, you no-good, heartless, half-witted yutz!" "[LAUGHING]" "ANNOUNCER:" "Buttermilk, it makes a body bitter." "Ah, what do you know?" "[***]" "And now, some sad news." "And now, some..." "[SNIFFLES] ...sad news." "Two minutes to airtime, Mr. Anchorman." "Quick, put some sincerity lines around my eyes." "Where is that makeup man?" "[PANTING]" "Sorry I'm late, Mr. Anchorman." "And now for some sad news." "You're fired!" "All I ask for is a bit of support." "And what do I get?" "Nothing!" "Do you have any idea how truly useless you people are?" "I am surrounded by untalented incompetents!" "Why are you all standing around staring at me?" "Do you have any idea what time it is?" "YAKKO:" "Lunchtime." "Lunchtime?" "* We're from Sam 'N' Ella's Coffee Shop *" "* Eat our food And you're bound to drop *" "* Then the only thing That's left to do *" "* Head to the potty And spew, spew, spew *" "* Sam 'N' Ella's *" "We're Beatrice." "I placed this order hours ago." "Are you out of your minds?" "No, but we're out of our pickles." "You'll have to take coleslaw." "Who has the tongue on a bun?" "All right, who's the ham on rye?" "That's me." "Just remember you said that, we didn't." "I'm famished." "How dare you take a bite out of my sandwich?" "Want it back?" "Eww!" "That'll be $6, and remember it's customary to tip 15 percent." "You expect me to pay for this?" "I didn't even get a sandwich." "Oh, I guess you're the turkey on a roll." "[GOBBLING]" "Get out, you horrible little crustaceans." "Get out, get out, get out!" "ALL:" "Whoa!" "Why, of all the nerve." "I'll say." "We never even got our tip." "DIRECTOR:" "Five, four, three." "We're on the air." "ANNOUNCER:" "And now Newstime Live with your cohosts" "Dan Anchorman in New York and in Washington, Doo-Anne Sewer." "Hi, I have a new haircut." "[CHUCKLES]" "Lovely, Doo-Anne." "Tonight on NewstimeLive" "I'll show you the new American car that costs under $300 and runs on water, and how to make a million dollars without thinking." "[SCREAMS]" "Thrilling, Doo-Anne, but first, my top story." "Protesters have blockaded the entrance to the Newstime Live studios" "Hey, that's us!" "ALL:" "Hey, hey, ho, ho!" "Cheapskate anchor's got to go!" "Hey, hey, ho, ho!" "Cheapskate anchor's got to go!" "This is Wolf Spritzer reporting." "It appears that Dan Anchorman didn't give these sandwich-delivery people a tip." "We protest!" "We protest that Dan Anchorman wouldn't take coleslaw instead of pickles." "Dan Anchorman discriminates against garnishes." "We protest that he's a picky pickle picker." "Say that three times fast." "Picky pickle plicky" "Uh, plick" " Plicky puckle picker ple" " Plu" "You'll never make it on CNN." "This is absurd." "I will not have this broadcast interrupted by a bunch of little kids!" "We protest you calling us little kids!" "We prefer to be called vertically impaired pre-adults." "I hate you!" "I hate you!" "I hate you!" "[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]" "We'll be right back after this commercial." "DOT:" "We interrupt Newstime Live to bring you this special report." "Our topic:" "Why people don't tip." "For the answer, we turn to William F. Yakkly." "And I think, uh, the reason, uh, people do not affix a compensation for service" "In layman's terms, a tip." "is that they are, in fact, extremely cheap." "Would you say TV newsmen are extremely cheap?" "No, except, of course, for Mr. Dan Anchorman." "You" " You are horrible little--!" "Wonderful tykes." "I see I haven't appreciated your playful side." "That's us." "We're just fun-lovin' rascals." "Exactly, and I'm going to make sure you get that tip I owe you." "Really?" "Then we apologize about calling you cheap." "Yeah, you're probably very generous, we hope." "Why, thank you." "And now here's your tip." "Don't mess with an anchorman!" "[PANTING]" "[LAUGHING]" "Why'd he lock us in the control room?" "YAKKO:" "I don't know, maybe he wants us to direct." "We apologize for the technical difficulties." "I've been informed that everything is under control." ""Ground Control to Major Tom." "Commencing countdown, engines on."" "[***]" "Hey, what's going on here?" "Uh, and now tonight's Newstime Live headlines." "Not those headlines, these headlines." "But first, our forecast." "Large pointy things here, followed by big, fluffy gray things here." "Isn't video technology keen?" "Ooh, it looks like some really bad dental work here." "And if you're driving Hey, slow down!" "through here, don't worry, there's no brain in sight." "I'm too good for this." "His head looks bigger on TV." "Well, I'll put a stop to that, my sib sister." "[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] You can't do this to me." "DAN:" "I'm a giant in this industry." "Anybody mind if I see what else is on?" "[IN UNISON] Nope." "[STATIC]" "Hey, little buddy." "Where'd this guy come from?" "He's a space alien." "Hit him with a coconut." "Uh, seen that one." "[CLICKS]" "[SCREAMING, BANGING]" "[CAMERA CLICKS]" "[CLICK]" "ANNOUNCER:" "And now Bulk Logan will take on some guy in a suit." "Stop!" "Make it stop!" "Make it stop!" "I give up!" "[CLICK]" "[CHUCKLES] Ladies and gentlemen," "I want to make a public apology for not tipping my sandwich-friends." "And now for some sad news." "The host of this news show, Dan Anchorman, was taken away today for a nice long rest." "[GIGGLING MANIACALLY]" "And here's our tip for the day." "Be real nice to people who handle your food." "Or it's..." "[SNIFFLES] ...sad news." "As for us..." "[IN UNISON] We are outta here!" "ANNOUNCER:" "It's time for another "Good Idea, Bad Idea."" "Good idea." "Havin' breakfast served to you in bed." "Bad idea." "Havin' tennis balls served to you in bed." "The end." "* When the birds hit The street *" "* Lookin' for food to eat *" "* That's Goodfeathers *" "* That's Goodfeathers *" "* When I'm cooin' at you And you're cooin' at me *" "* That's Goodfeathers *" "* Take no guff 'Cause they're tough *" "* Strut their stuff No cream puffs *" "* That's Goodfeathers *" "SQUIT:" "As far back as I can remember, Bobby was a fighter." "He had class." "He could have been a contender, but he never fought professionally." "[CROWD CHEERING]" "[BELL DINGS]" "You see, if you were a Goodfeather, you didn't have to fight to prove you were a tough bird to nobody, unless that nobody was a somebody, like Lana." "Bada-bing, bang, boom!" "What a fight, huh?" "[YAWNS]" "[DINGS]" "And the winner by a beakout, the undefeated heavyweight beaking champion of the city," "Pretty Boy Robin!" "[CHEERING, APPLAUDING]" "You could beak out Pretty Boy, Bobby." "Win the purse, the title." "You could do that." "I could beak him down with one whack." "No big deal." "Yeah, he's a nothin'." "Just good-looking, that's all." "You think he's good-lookin'?" "I don't know." "Everybody says he's good-looking." "Who says he's good-lookin'?" "Do you say that?" "No way, not me." "Forget about it." "Well, he is kind of cute." "Bada-bing." "[COOS] Big shot, are you good-looking?" "I don't think so." "[SNIFFS]" "Huh?" "Who is that?" "I don't know." "Maybe it's the Big Bad Wolf." "Yo, it's a Goodfeather." "I been waitin' for years to get one of you tough birds in the ring." "[CHUCKLES]" "I'll beak in the ring with you." "[SNIFFS] Good." "I'll see your beak in a week." "[COOS] What did I get myself into?" "You got yourself into a fight with Pretty Boy, that's what." "Unless you get a manager and some training, you got yourself a one-way ticket to Palookaville." "That's what you got." "He got a shot at the title, and he'll win too, 'cause Pretty Boy's a nothin'." "Just got a pretty face, that's all." "Ooh, bada-bing!" "[***]" "Relax, will ya?" "You're givin' me the zigzags over here." "[COOS] I always said I could beak-out Pretty Boy, but I got these doubts, you know what I'm sayin'?" "Look at my wings." "I got these small wings." "I got little-girl wings." "Do me a favor." "I want you to whack me in the beak." "Forget about it." "Come on, whack me." "Naw, I ain't." "Come on, take your best shot." "I ain't whacking ya." "Come on." "What are you trying to prove?" "Come on." "What's it prove?" "Whack him, Pesto." "I'd like to see you two in a round of whacking'." "BOBBY:" "Come here." "SQUIT:" "Hey!" "BOBBY:" "Here's some whackin' over here." "Don't tell me what I gotta do." "SQUIT:" "Come on, knock it off." "[SMACKS]" "Hey, Lana." "[COOING]" "Hey, Lana." "How you doin'?" "I just wanted to stop by, give you a kiss, wish you luck for the fight." "[SMACKS]" "I gotta go." "See ya." "Go ahead." "Are you cooin' with my bird?" "What?" "Are you cooin' with my bird?" "How could you ask me a question like that?" "Just tell me." "I'm not answerin' that." "It's stupid." "I'm gonna ask you again:" "Are you, or are you not?" "What?" "Come on, you're a wacko." "No, this is a wacko." "[***]" "MAN:" "Word's out you need a manager, ya bum." "With me in your corner, you got a shot at beatin' Pretty Boy Robin." "[COOS] I'm crackin' up, hearing' voices over here." "MAN:" "Down here, ya bum." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "[LAUGHING]" "Hoo-hoo." "Look at Mr. Tough-Bird- the-Size-of-a-Pea over here." "[CACKLING]" "The name is Max, ya bum." "Now, this is the setup, see?" "I got a grudge to settle with P.B. Robin." "Years ago before I got in the ring with that bird," "I was the size of a dog!" "So I'm gonna manage ya, ya bum." "And I'm gonna work ya into a wrecking' machine." "Deal?" "Deal." "[***]" "BOBBY:" "Sweet Scorsese, what is that?" "We got moving' trees over here." "Them ain't no trees, ya bum." "Them is legs." "That's One-Punch Paulie." "He's your sparring' partner." "[SCREAMING]" "He's a bum, I tell ya," "A bum." "[GRUNTING]" "I'm the boss, I'm the boss, I'm the boss." "[GRUNTING]" "Work it!" "Work it!" "You got what it takes to be a wrecking' machine?" "[BOBBY GRUNTING]" "BOBBY:" "I'm the boss" "[GRUNTS]" "Just what I need, a bum-sicle." "[***]" "[PANTING]" "[GROANS]" "You'll never be anything more than a bum, ya bum!" "Yo, why you callin' me a bum all the time?" "'Cause you're a bum, ya bum!" "Oh." "[***]" "[CHEERING]" "Max, what do you think my chances are?" "Did you do everything you wanted to do in life?" "No." "Too bad." "[BELL DINGS]" "SPECTATOR:" "Yeah!" "Come on!" "Pulverize him!" "[CHEERING]" "Touch beaks and come out flapping'." "[SMOOCHES]" "[DINGS]" "[GRUNTING]" "[BOOING]" "[GRUNTS]" "Coo." "I ain't gonna watch that." "That's uglifyin'." "[RAPID, HOLLOW TAPPING]" "[CROWD CHEERING]" "No way I'm goin' down." "I don't go down for nobody." "Psst." "Bobby, you are down." "Yo, Lana, wanna see my wingspan?" "Bada-bing." "Are you cooin' with my bird?" "[AS ROCKY] Yo, Adrian!" "[CHEERING]" "All right, Bobby!" "That was great, Bobby!" "That was great!" "[SMOOCHES]" "He ain't pretty no more." "And the winner by unanimous decision, the new heavyweight beakin' champion of the city," "Bobby Goodfeather!" "[CROWD CHEERING, APPLAUDING]" "PESTO:" "Congratulations, pal!" "SQUIT:" "You did it!" "Oh, look at the purse." "[COOS] I never won so much seed in my life." "[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]" "Now, the Godpigeon asks that as a bird of respect," "I offer him a share of the purse." "[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]" "The Godpigeon says he's been cooing' with my bird." "Forget about it, Bobby." "She'll be back." "Attabird, Pesto, always the optimist." "What do you mean by that?" "I said you're an optimist." "An optimist?" "What are you sayin'?" "That I'm some kind of doctor here to test your vision?" "That I'm an eyeball inspector?" "That I make a spectacle of myself?" "Is that what you're sayin'?" "No, no, I'm not sayin' that." "I'm just saying that you look on the bright side, an optimist." "I am an optimist?" "Yeah, that's what I'm sayin'." "That's it!" "Come here!" "[BOTH SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]" "[LAUGHING]" "SQUIT:" "Bobby never fought in the ring again." "He said he'd rather watch me and Pesto wing it out." "Why?" "'Cause..." "That's entertainment." "[LAUGHING]" "NARRATOR:" "It's time for another "Good Idea, Bad Idea."" "Good idea." "[***]" "Whistling while you work." "[WHISTLING "I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THE RAILROAD"]" "Bad idea." "Whistling while you eat." "[WHISTLING "I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THE RAILROAD"]" "[SPUTTERING]" "The end." "[***]" "It's over." "Go away."