"Why does this keep happening?" "We're constantly on top of each other." "We have no privacy." "You know the logical thing to do." "I know." "We need to get separate apartments." "That is the logical thing." "So, we'll get a bigger place?" "We'll take it!" "Ok!" "There's just one little thing." "It's three times what you wanted to pay." "What?" "!" "We sublet." "We find somebody else to take this place." "Then we charge a lot more money than we should." "We gouge 'em!" "Honey." "I mean, if you want to move back to New York, we'll move back to New York." "I just don't know how we're gonna find an apartment here." "I think we can help." "Ok, Karen." "When you look back on your life, what is the one thing that has gotten away from you?" "Who is that one person that could make your life complete again?" "Sunny's out of bed?" "Finally!" "Von Bulow, get your ass in here!" "No, not Sunny V.B., silly." "Your mother!" "Roll it." "Hiya, Kiki!" "I told you I never wanted to see you again!" "Guys, we're moving to a bigger place!" "Will?" "Will, are you here?" "Guess he's not here." "I love your new place." "Ah, so do we." "There's so much space, and it's such a great neighborhood." "You know, I go to the same drug store as Robert DeNiro, who seems to be having protected sex." "Come on, I'll show you my wing." "Grace, were you calling me?" "Grace?" "Will?" "Hello?" "Will?" "Grace?" "Will?" "Will?" "Grace?" "Stop!" "Hi." "Hi." "How are you doing?" "Good." "On a date." "Phil." "Me, too." "Bill." "Oh." "Isn't this great?" "This place is so huge, we can have so-so dates with mediocre guys at the same time and not even be aware of each other." "We're lucky ladies." "Yeah." "So...see ya." "Yeah." "See ya." "Will?" "What?" "Bill just said 2002 was the last palindrome year of our lifetime, and I laughed, and he looked at me weird." "A palindrome is some kind of elephant, right?" "No." "It's a word or number that reads the same backwards as forwards." "Oh!" "Oh..." "Bill's kind of dull." "'Night." "Yeah." "Grace!" "Grace." "What?" "Do you think Phil kind of smells like wet dog?" "I don't remember what Phil smells like." "Go get him." "I can't go get him." "It's, like, a mile." "I'm not hiking all the way up there just to smell Phil." "Fine." "Guess I'll just head back up." "What's wrong?" "Need a minute to catch my breath." "What in the hell are we doing in this rundown Irish hole-in-the-wall?" "What's the name of this place, anyway?" "Molly O'Poverty's?" "Back up, butt crack." "Kare, this is just my way of saying I'm sorry for springing your mother on you." "Oh, that's sweet, honey." "But why a filthy bar in Yonkers?" "Because...if you take out filthy and Yonkers, what are you left with?" "A bar." "See, now, that's why you're the president of "Nothing, Incorporated."" "Whatcha looking for?" "A wet nap." "I want to clean off the feted, reeking after-touch of the common man." "A five?" "What the hell is this doing in there?" "Hang on, I'll get us a waitress." "Ok, um, I got one." "What'll you have, Kare?" "Oh, I'll have a wine with a beer back and a vodka with a beer front." "You know what they say" ""Beer before wine makes you feel fine." "Wine before beer makes you feel queer."" "You!" "I thought that nursery rhyme sounded familiar!" "What's the big deal?" "I mean, she seems nice, and she really wants to get to know" "Nice?" "Honey." "My mother is a con artist, ok?" "I send her a check once a month to keep her out of my hair." "Yeah, my entire childhood was spent traveling with her from town to town, running scams on people." "Never settling down." "Just when I'd make a friend, have 'em over for milk and cookies..." "Bam!" "It was time to move on." "Karen, that's shocking." "You drank milk?" "The last town we lived in, I fell in love with a boy." "He had long blond hair, delicate features, soft skin..." "At least I think it was a boy." "Well, anyway, I was in love." "And he or she loved me." "Until my mom scammed her, too." "Then he left me." "That was when I left home and never looked back." "Karen, this isn't something you can runaway from." "It's not like a hotel bill or a crying baby." "Forget it, Jack." "There are some things you just can't forgive." "Wait." "I can't let you do this." "Look, when I found my father, it was too late to connect with him because he was dead." "And I don't want the same thing to happen to you." "So...please just go in and have one drink with her, ok?" "No!" "I got back in there, she'll pull me into one of schemes, and I'll be right back where I started from." "I will absolutely not have one drink with her." "Three drinks?" "Well, she is my mother." "Will, I'm having a clothing crisis." "Will you come down here?" "No." "You come up here." "No." "You come down here." "No." "You come up here." "No." "You come down here." "No." "You come up here." "No." "You come down here." "No." "You come up here." "Please?" "No, and stop bothering me." "Hello?" "Grace, I'm not coming down there!" "Will, I miss our old apartment." "Me, too." "I wanna go home." "Me, too." "Let's talk about this." "Yeah, let's." "Will you come down here?" "You know, you can't go on hating me forever." "I'm your mother." "You got everything from me." "Your looks, your guts, your ambition." "The only thing you didn't get from me is that voice." "That voice you got from your father." "Yeah." "No one could ever tell us apart on the phone." "But this isn't about Daddy." "Leave him out of it!" "This is about how you ruined everything for me as a kid." "Remember the summer we went to Lake George?" "Yeah, I remember I had to stay wrapped up in a blanket from head to toe cause you told everybody at the country club I was allergic to the sun, and if we didn't raise $10,000 for my operation, I'd have to live under the stairs for the rest of my life." "And we fished." "You used me, Mom." "I was never anything more than a prop to you." "The poor little blind girl with the big rack." "Or the poor little welfare child with the big rack." "Or the poor little gardener's daughter." "With the big rake." "It hurt me, Mom." "I wanted a mother, not a business partner." "Oh, Kiki." "I am so sorry." "Maybe I wasn't winning any mother of the year awards then, but, you know, we're different people now, but we're still family." "I still love you." "I see." "So you reappear after all this time, say you're sorry, and I'm supposed to forgive you, just like that?" "Oh, Mommy, I missed you." "Maybe we can start over again, but different this time." "You know, without the lies, without the scams." "You betcha." "Just one more job." "Oh!" "Oh, do you have any ketchup?" "Why, did you find another French fry in your pocket?" "No." "No." "No, I just figure if I smear it all over my body and act like I've just been attacked, and maybe that'll scare Rob and Ellen out of our apartment, back to New Jersey." "Forget it, Shaggy." "We're just gonna stick with what we said in the cab, that we made a big mistake and we need to take the place back." "It's only been a week." "Probably don't even like it anyway." "Hi, you guys!" "We love it here!" "We were almost attacked right in front of the building!" "A hospital." "This is gonna be good." "I cannot believe I let you talk me into doing this, trying to get some poor sap to sign his will over to you before he drops dead." "No decent woman does that after 35!" "He's not a poor sap, honey." "That sap shorted Enron at 56." "Now come on." "What's going on?" "What's happening?" "Why aren't you moving?" "Where's that thing I asked you to sign?" "What?" "That paper that says I'll never ask you to pull another con after this?" "You know, it really hurts me that you gave me that." "Well, it's gonna hurt a lot more if you don't sign it." "Fork it over, froggy!" "It's signed." "Good thing I became a notary for that Chicago job we pulled." "Ok, now, I have been working this guy for months." "And everything was going according to plan until he took a turn for the worse." "So, I gotta close this deal quick, and I can't do it alone... which is why I brought in my poor, down-on-her-luck daughter who's also a little slow." "How slow?" "Well, you were a cheerleader, but you never stopped clapping." "Oh, it makes me sick to think I'm gonna help you bilk a man out of his hard-earned money." "That reminds me, I gotta call Stan." "Where's a phone?" "I'm gonna go in first." "Here." "Here, you change into this." "Oh, good Lord." "Look at this outfit!" "Is Grace in on this, too?" "Well, there we were, crossing what the New York Times called the third most dangerous street in the country, and--and" "And there he was-- The Upper Westside Slasher!" "They said they caught him, but I guess that swarthy, one-eyed killing machine is back." "Damn him." "Damn him to hell!" "So why is it that I haven't heard of this killer guy?" "Who was that?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "!" "Probably nothing." "At least nothing that can get in." "What is this?" "This sounds like some kind of urban myth." "Right, Rob?" "I don't wanna die." "Damn it, Rob." "Pull yourself together!" "Who was that?" "!" "What?" "!" "What?" "!" "I heard it that time!" "Ok!" "Ok, now, I don't know what you two are doing, but I know you're doing something, ok?" "It's one of their weird little "Will-and-Grace things."" "It's like that time they tried to get us to eat "dim sum."" "Come on, Rob, I gotta pee." "Why does he have to help her pee?" "I don't know." "Couples are weird." "Where'd you get gum?" "Oh, sorry." "Well, this isn't working." "We'll have to go back to Plan A." "You mean tell Ellen the baby's not hers?" "No." "We just explain that we're very sorry, but we're taking the place back, and nothing they do or say is gonna stop us." "Ellen's water broke!" "Baby's coming!" "So...you wouldn't wanna talk right now?" "So we're not gonna get that apartment back, are we?" "I don't see how." "They're a family now." "Well, I guess we deserve this." "We were kind of awful." "In fact, there's only one person I can think of that's worse." "Hey, Grandpa, how about closing up that gown?" "!" "I swear, I was not gonna say that." "Hey." "How's it goin'?" "Oh, honey." "What's this all about?" "Remember how everyone was so gung-ho about getting me back with my mom?" "Well, this is what happens." "I'm poor, and I'm slow." "Karen, I am so sorry... that I don't have a camera right now." "What are you doing?" "Will?" "Grace?" "Karen?" "Lois and I are pulling one last scam." "I just can't say no to my mother." "Will, Grace." "Kare." "Oh, there you are." "I was looking all over for you." "Oh, my God, I have that same shirt!" "Except, um, mine has a big rooster on it, and it says, "I love me big, red--"" "Jack!" "Oh, I can't believe I'm doing this again." "I mean, it was ok when I was a kid, but at a certain point, you just want a mom who loves you for you, not for what you can do for her." "Well, if it's any consolation, we all love you because you're you." "Yeah, Karen." "Sure, sometimes I give you a hard time, put you down, make fun of your drinking." "That's it." "I didn't mean to put you through this." "I didn't mean to hurt you." "I'm your friend, and I'm always here, no matter what." "Now we're gonna see a 22-year-old sailor in spectacular physical condition having a tattoo removed from his buttock." "Go." "Yeah, it's pretty good, but not quite cheap enough." "Grace, let me borrow that scarf." "This is not a cheap scarf." "Tell her, Will." "Will gave me this scarf for my birthday." "Give her the scarf, Grace." "Kiki..." "Thanks." "It was in an Hermes box." "Yeah, I'm gonna need that box back before next Christmas." "Ok, I'm ready." "I figure slow-wise, I'm somewhere between Sean Penn in 'I am Sam' and Sean Penn at home with his family." "You know what?" "I can't do this." "I can't take advantage of you." "I-- You're my daughter, and I love you." "I see." "So the old guy croaked before you could get into his will?" "Oh, Karen, I'm shocked!" "I'm trying to apologize to you." "Ah, restraining order from the daughter." "I don't know how she got up here that fast." "Start walking." "So, uh, I guess this is it for awhile, huh?" "Yeah, I guess so." "Just so you know, I'm never gonna ask you to do this again." "No, no, no." "I mean it." "I mean it this time." "There are a lot of things I would like to do over" "I would send you to the proper schools, I would stay put," "I would never have broken up you and what's his name." "I mean, she was nice." "Yeah...she was." "I miss him." "Hey, guys, I'm a daddy." "Oh, my God, that's great!" "Oh, it's a beautiful baby boy." "You should see the length of his boyhood." "Oh..." "Can't wait." "No." "I mean, I almost cut the wrong thing." "You know, Rob, about that whole westside killer thing-- We were just having a little fun." "Yeah, yeah." "It's really a great neighborhood." "I mean, there really is a crazy man on the loose who cuts women's hair, but that's not really gonna affect you any." "Yeah, look, before you guys go on, I don't know how else to put this, but, um..." "Ellen misses New Jersey." "She wants to move back." "And I know we signed a lease, and I know you've settled into your new place and you're all happy there, but, um, do you think you could find it in your hearts to move back?" "We can do that!" "Oh, guys, thank you so much." "Really." "You're the best friends." "We are." "Good friends." "'Cause we love you." "Oh, by the way, Will, you're gonna pay for my boy's education." "What are you talking about?" "!" "Will, you gouged me on the rent." "I...did not." "Will, I'm your accountant." "You think I might figure that out?" "Uh..." "Uh..." "Grace?" "Will, I am shocked!"