"( Latin-American music plays )" "Man on PA:" "Bienvenidos, señors y señoras, and welcome to the glorious democracy of San Saludos." "Each and every one of you is the personal guest of our benevolent and beloved leader," "General Diablo Pajarito," "Commander of the Armed Forces, President of the Senate," "Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, and Finance Minister." "General Pajarito feels sure you will enjoy your stay in the friendly and prosperous country of San Saludos." "Your return visa expired 30 minutes ago." "Take this dog out and have him shot." "Max!" "They're gonna shoot that old man!" "Don't be ridiculous, 99." "This is a civilized country." "First of all, he'll have a trial by a jury of his peers, the right of appeal, transferral to a higher court and if all else fails, a personal plea for clemency to General Pajarito." "( gunshots )" "Of course, here all that happens after the man is shot." "Max, since General Pajarito took over this country, it's a very dangerous place." "We don't have anything to worry about, 99." "We're not citizens." "We're just spies." "Everything is in order." "How much money you have?" "That's just enough for 10 tickets to the national lottery." "My stamp-- My visa stamp." "You forgot to ink the stamp." "Take this dog away!" "Max, they're gonna shoot him too!" "Not him, 99." "After all, he's a government official." "Probably the worst thing they'll do is give him a warning." "( gunshots )" "This is some democracy." "They certainly don't play any favorites." "Señor, señorita." "Por favor." "Excuse me, please." "Max, why didn't he stamp our passports here?" "Do you think he suspects something?" "What if he finds those escape devices in our suitcases?" "I thought of that, 99." "These fellows always look for false bottoms in a suitcase." "I put our escape balloons in a false top." "It's foolproof." "You see, the left snap activates the balloon mechanism." "( air hissing )" "Everything is in order." "We hope that you have a most pleasant stay in our glorious republic." "( rings )" "General Pajarito." "General Pajarito." "Miguel, sir." "CONTROL Agents 86 and 99 have just passed through customs." " Well, kill them." " Sí." "Of course, make it look like an accident." "We don't want to give San Saludos a bad name." "These CONTROL agents never learn." "San Saludos is a wonderful place to visit, but nobody lives here..." "Sí." "...for long." "( theme music playing )" "We have arrived, señor y señoritas, at your destination." "I hope you enjoyed the trip." "There is the General Pajarito Hotel, right in the heart of the General Pajarito Plaza." "Yes, and I suppose that you drive this taxi for the General Pajarito Cab Company." "Oh, no, señor." "I lease from him." "He is number one, and nobody dares to try harder." "That will be 800 pesos, please." "Listen, I'd like to ask you just one question." "Sí." "We came here because we wanted to go to this hotel." "You came along because you had to take us." "But what did we have to bring the donkey for?" "I'm sorry." "I will wait for you." "That won't be necessary." " ( shot fires )" " What was that, Max?" "The firing squad again." "I've heard of a population explosion, but this is ridiculous." " That's your room, 99." " Right, Max." " What was that, Max?" " A table." "The guest that had this room before us must've been a termite." "Max, what are you doing?" "I'm standing in the dresser drawer, putting away my shirts." "99, I don't like this assignment." "The Chief didn't give us enough information." " Let's review our instructions." " Right." "One" " Dona Isabella, daughter of Don Carlos, former President of San Saludos, sent a message to CONTROL saying that her father was still alive." "Two, we know that he's being held prisoner by General Pajarito, but we don't know where." "Three, we have to rescue him, but we don't know how." "( knock at door )" " Who is it?" " Man:" "Room service." "I didn't order any room service." " Ricardo Montalban hates tortillas." " Right." "I have a message from your man in San Saludos." "His name is Lopez." "You will find him selling tortillas in the General Pajarito Plaza number 6." "Right." "Lopez," "Pajarito Square, number 6." "Please, this is for the room across the hall." "Be careful." "99?" " Who was that, Max?" " That was our contact man." "He says that we're to get in touch with a Lopez at" "Max, look!" "( man screams, body thuds )" "( gasps ) 99, there's something very strange going on around here." "Now this is just a wild guess, mind you, but I have a feeling someone is onto us." " Lopez?" " Perhaps." "Give him the password, Max." "Herb Alpert takes trumpet lessons from Guy Lombardo." "I am Lopez." " Do you have any information for us?" " Sí." "You must eat this taco." "The soldiers across the square are watching." "( gasps )" "Señor, you are giving yourself away." " Nobody eats tacos like that." " ( coughing )" "You must have hot sauce on it." "Where's Don Carlos being kept?" "General Pajarito has our beloved ex-president Don Carlos prisoner in a dungeon." " 99:" "How can we reach him?" " I will help you." "You have your escape mechanism with you?" "( coughing )" "Mine's buried on the outskirts of town, as per our instructions." "Good, good." "You must rescue Don Carlos before 4:00." "Perhaps you would like to ask me why." "Why?" "At 4:00 this afternoon in the plaza there is going to be a fiesta." "Conchita  Conchata, the flamenco dance team, is to perform there." "( whispering ) What has that got to do with us?" "You are to take their place." "The general knows you are here." "We figured that." "He tried to have us killed." "How do we find Conchita and Conchata?" "They have the room across from yours in the hotel." "You will disguise yourselves and you will get into their costumes, and that way you will get into the palace without any trouble." " That's a brilliant plan!" " But... you must be careful." "You must be away by 4:00." "If they make you dance, they will find out you are impostors." "Then he will cut your throat!" "( softly ) Good." "That way a little cool air will get in." "( knock at door )" "( gasps )" "Max, they're dead!" "That seems to be the national pastime around here." "99, that lemonade was poisoned." "Come on, Max, there's not much time." "We've got to get into Conchita's Conchata'scostumes and find Don Carlos." "Yes." "Now, let's see-- I'll need a mustache from my makeup kit," "But these costumes will be perfect." "Nobody will know that we're wearing them except Lopez, and he'll never tell." "I'll tell." "I'll tell." "The two CONTROL agents are going to the fiesta this afternoon disguised as Conchita and Conchata." "That is how they plan to rescue Don Carlos." "A stupid plan." "Did they think they could outwit General Diablo Pajarito?" "I will let them play their little game." "But first of all, they will dance for me at the fiesta-- a dance of death." "( Latin-American music plays )" "( crowd cheering, applauding )" "You look unhappy, Doña Isabella." "You know I don't like it when you look unhappy, especially in front of my beloved people-- what there is left of them." "How can I be happy when my father lies rotting in your dungeon?" "I told you he would be released as soon as we're married." "I hope these disguises work, Max." "Don't worry, 99." "My own mother wouldn't recognize me." "Of course, I'm not expecting my mother today." " You really do look marvelous, Max." " I know that, 99." " Hold it, 99." " Max, what are you stopping for?" "We've got to find that dungeon and get Don Carlos out of here." "If there's anything I love, it's a juggling act." " Look at that guy." "He's terrific!" " ( crowd cheering )" "Crowd:" "Ohh!" "Soldiers!" "( gunshot )" "They certainly have a drastic way of canceling an act around here." "Come on, 99." "General Pajarito wishes to speak to you." "Yes, well, I'd be very happy to speak to the general, but at the moment... we were on our way to speak to the general." " Move." " What are we gonna do now, Max?" "There's nothing we can do." "We'll have to dance." "I certainly wish I had watched a few Caesar Romero movies, or at least an old Castro newsreel." "Move!" "Conchita y Conchata," "I am General Pajarito." "This is my fiancee, Doña Isabella." "I am looking forward to your dancing." "Uh, dancing, yes." "You see, General," "I have this ingrown toenail" "Dismissed." "Commence!" " Musica." " ( fanfare )" "Señors, señoras y señoritas, we are very happy to bring you now, for the first time in San Saludos, the famous dance team of Conchita  Conchata!" "( cheering )" "( cheering )" "Max, what are you doing?" "You can't dance!" "Are you kidding?" "They love me." "¡Olé, olé!" "The four horses!" "Bring them in!" " What did they say?" " They're bringing in the four horses." "Leap!" "Leap!" "Do your famous leap!" " What are they saying, Max?" " He likes me." "He likes me a heap." "¡Silencio!" "¡Silencio!" "Stop the music!" "Señor Conchata, do your leap." " What leap?" " The famous leap over the four horses." "Oh, that leap." "He wants me to leap over those four horses." " Max, you can't leap over four horses." " I know that, but they don't." "What are we gonna do, Max?" "We'll be killed." "Don't worry, 99, we won't be killed." "Just follow me and do what I do." "( music resumes )" "Soldiers!" "Fire!" "Max, are you all right?" "What happened, 99?" "Don't tell me I fell off the horse." "You fell off the horse, Max." "I asked you not to tell me that." "I owe you a debt of gratitude, Señor Smart." "It was very brave of you to try to save me." "Well, I did the best I could, Don Carlos." " But I did learn one thing." " And that is, señor?" "The next time I ride a horse, it'll be at Santa Anita." "Isabella:" "Take your hands off me!" "Don't touch me!" "I said get your hands off me!" "Isabella, why are you here?" "I told General Pajarito that I would rather die here with you than to marry him." "( shot fires )" " What was that?" " That was Lucky Francisco." "He won the drawing today in the national lottery." " And they shot him?" " Sí." "That is the first prize." "Señor, in just a few minutes you are going to die." "What are you whispering about?" "Everybody in town knows that." "Señor, sometimes it is possible for a certain amount of American dollars to persuade the firing squad to use blanks." "Are you trying to tell me that the firing squad can be bribed?" " Sí." " That's terrible." "That's disgraceful." "I refuse to have any part of that kind of corruption." " ( shot fires )" " Uh, what's the deal?" " $80 American." " $80?" "Are you out of your mind?" " I'd rather die first." " Max!" "99, will you let me handle this?" "You have to bargain with them." "They expect it." "You want them to think we're tourists?" " $40." " $70." " $55." " $63." " $59." " $60." "That's my last offer." "That is it. $59-- that's it." "Señor, we're only $1 apart." "I don't care." "It's the principle of the thing." " Max!" " 99, don't you understand?" "This man is trying to take us." "I can get the same deal in Panama for $39.95." " ( shot fires )" " Uh, $60, right?" "Listen, when I travel, I only carry $50 in cash." " Will you take a credit card?" " Here, Max, I have some cash." "Gracias." " Max, you did it!" " Yes." "I only hope it's deductible." "All right, listen, this is what we're gonna do-- when the firing squad fires, everybody fall down and play dead." "Then I'll give a signal, we'll all get up and run to a field outside of the plaza." " We will all be captured." " No, we buried a balloon in the field." " That'll carry us to safety." " We owe you our lives." "Back so quick?" "Did you get to the firing squad?" " "Chase" and no." " "Chase and no"?" "Sí, I only got to half the firing squad." "You bribed half the firing squad?" "But that's terrible!" "It's not terrible, señor." "You get back half your money." "I believe that's $30." "Would you believe $27?" "Why $27?" "10% for me." "After all, I booked the whole deal." "Son of a gun." "I guess this is it, Max." "No, it isn't, 99." "I still have my laser pen." "Good thinking, Max!" "( scraping sound )" "I think I'm gonna need some help." "Very amusing." "You saved us the trouble of coming for you." "My friends, we come to the end of the road." "It grieves me deeply to have to say goodbye to you, especially to you, Isabella." "We could have been so happy together." "You pig!" "You dog!" "You rotten, filthy swine!" "You lowlife!" "Isabella, cool it." "You want to get us in trouble?" "Does anyone wish a blindfold?" "No, thank you." "But do you mind if I have a last cigarette?" "Of course." "It is the custom." "They're getting a little longer this year." "Not very amusing." "It is time for you to die!" "Firing squad, attention!" "We're not dead yet, 99." "Those men are soldiers." "They obey commands immediately." "Ready, aim..." "About face!" "...fire!" "All right, now all I have to do is inflate this balloon, and we'll all be off into the wild blue yonder." "Max!" "It only holds three." "We can't all go." "You're right, 99." "It won't carry four of us." "Well, there's only one thing to do." "You three go, I'll stay." " Max, I'm not going without you." " Don't be ridiculous, 99." "Of course you're going without me." "Señor Smart, I'm an old man." "It doesn't make any difference anymore." "I'll stay." "Don Carlos, how old are you?" " 74." " 74?" "He really doesn't have too much time left, 99." "Max!" "Max:" "All right, let's not argue about it." "All four of us will go." "I'll just inflate the balloon... ( air hissing )" "Max!" "You brought the wrong suitcase!" "Well, that eliminates one problem-- about who goes and who stays." "Max, here they come now!" "What are we gonna do?" "Well, the way I look at it, 99, there's only one thing that'll save us." " What's that, Max?" " A river." "Oh, Max." "Well, what are you waiting for?" "Go ahead and shoot." "Yes, shoot." "I think there is some mistake, Don Carlos." "I have not come here to shoot you." "Now that the general is dead, we are free." "And we want you to come back to take your rightful place as Presidente of San Saludos." "Oh, Father, Father!" "I am El Presidente again." "How can I ever thank you, my son?" "Yes, well, that's not exactly what I had in mind." "( theme music playing )"