"Excuse me, could you tell me where I can find the..." "Ah." "I'm on the phone." "I've been waiting for help for, like, 20 minutes." "I've been on hold for 40." "But when the Chili Peppers come to town, you do what it takes." "Is there a manager I could speak with?" "Yeah, obstructed view is fine." "Whatever it takes to see the Peppers." "What you watching?" "Stuff?" "Corporate sent a secret shopper to the Richmond Heights store." " It did not go well." " I think the screen froze." "Nah, he just stays like that for another 20 minutes." "Sir, excuse me." "I heard the Maplewood Commons got a secret shopper too." "Yeah, they cleaned house after." "Fired everyone." "Even the manager?" "Especially the manager." "How do you get especially fired?" "Kirkwood got a secret shopper, but they did well." "All the associates got raises." " Like money?" " No." "Like they were lifted up into the air and waved around... yeah, money." "I wonder if they'll send one here." "A secret shopper?" "I'd know." "I can always sniff out a fake." "The only way a secret shopper's getting past me is if he doesn't even know he's a secret shopper." "Like Harrison Ford in "Blade Runner."" "I'm gonna say this one more time." "Deckard was not a replicant." "Then explain the friggin' unicorn!" "Director's Cut doesn't count!" "I can't listen to the "Blade Runner" debate one more time." "I would love for them to send a secret shopper." "But then again, I got a 93 on my last corporate policy test, so nothing but net." "Mateo, those scores don't mean anything." "I don't know. 93 is pretty impressive." "I got 100." "Really?" "Well, that was a hurtfully exaggerated "really."" "No, I'm sorry." "I didn't mean it to sound bad." "I just meant, you're not very good at your job." "Oh, okay." "Well, thank you." "Okay, guys, nothing else matters but this secret shopper, okay?" "We need a plan." "I know." "What if we treated every customer like they were the secret shopper?" "Nah, that's never gonna work." "Yeah, it's a terrible idea." "This has got to be the lamest thing anyone has ever been cocky about." "I know." "It's so embarrassing." "I told them not to put that up there, but I guess they felt they had to honor me somehow." "You know you're just asking someone to draw a penis on your face, right?" "This must be really bittersweet for you, being surpassed by your protégé." "But now is no longer the time of Amy." "No, now is the time of Ace." "Oh, Ace?" "Wow." "Ace." "They're calling me Ace now." "Strong words from a guy who led a flock of ducks into the store." "My pocket was ripped." "I didn't know I was trailing crackers." "Why are you even walking around with crackers in your pocket?" "Because they don't have the kind I like here." "All right, Marcus is in court today testifying against his grandmother, so I need you to help zone Clearance and then stock Charcoal in Patio." "Charcoal doesn't go in Patio anymore." "It goes in Grocery." "I got that answer right on the test." "I know that because I got every answer right on the test." "This is supposed to be one of the last warm weekends of the year." "Do you know what people like to do when the weather is nice?" "Eat soft-shell crab." "Grill, and our customers are used to finding charcoal for their grills in Patio." "So unless we want to spend the next few weeks being MapQuest, we'll make the switch after grilling season." "Yeah, but with all the secret shopper stuff, shouldn't we just be doing things by the book?" "I know how to do my job." "I'm not gonna live in fear of some corporate spy." "Follow-up question:" "You don't still use MapQuest, do you?" "It's very intuitive." "First time in our store?" "Oh, no." "I've been here before." "Really?" "Because I have a pretty good memory for faces, right there..." "In my brain." "Well, you must have forgotten mine." "Yeah, I don't think so." "It's very distinctive looking." "But maybe it was my mistake." "Guess you're just a regular customer doing some regular pet food shopping." "Say, what type of pet do you have?" " It's a dog." " What kind?" " Cockapoo..." " How old?" " Four..." " Gender?" " Girl." " Well..." "Looks like you've got an answer for everything." "So I'll just leave you to your shopping." "Oh!" "I almost forgot to ask." "What's your cat's name?" "It's a dog." "Sure it is." "Where would I find men's hats?" "All right, you're gonna want to go to aisle 16, and then straight, uh... oh." "Uh, who's this hat for?" "A boyfriend?" "No." "No boyfriend." " It's for my dad." " Tight, tight." "Well, I could take you over there personally." "And if you'd like, I could model some of the options for you." "You know, they say my head looks amazing in hats." "All right." "Yeah, that was cute and funny." "Uh, let me tell you about myself..." "Did I hear you ask about men's hats?" "I can help you with that." "Uh, I got this, man." "Okay, just thought I'd ask, since I've personally tested every hat we sell, and Garrett is a sexual predator." " What?" " Excuse me?" "Yeah, that's why his nickname is "The Rapist."" "Unconvicted, but we all know." "Anyway, are we thinking Panama hat?" "Trilby?" "Tricorn?" "You know what?" "I'm good." "Okay, well, remember to ask for Mateo." "He'll make your day-o!" "What the was that?" "I don't know." "I thought she was the secret shopper." " So?" " There are raises on the line." "So sorry, not sorry." "I'm not here to make friends." "Fine, whatever." "I just hope for your sake, the secret shopper isn't one of us." "Wh... wait, wait." "What does that mean?" "Pssh." "I ain't even gonna tell you." "No, no." "You can tell me." "Well, at the Penrose store, the corporate plant was an employee." "And when he was done, everyone who was a dick to him got fired." "But, hey, that's why I always try to be nice to all my coworkers, but I'm just kind of one of those guys that likes to keep his job, so..." "Good luck." "Thank... thank you." "Well, no one's panicking." "That's a good sign." "We all just need to stay cool about this, right?" "I mean, I'm being cool." "You know that's not a stress ball, right?" " It's a lemon." " Let me have my process." "Am I imagining things, or did I ask you to stock the charcoal in Patio?" " Glenn told me..." " Jonah reminded me that charcoal is supposed to be in Grocery now." "Mm." "We don't want to make any mistakes, not with a secret shopper in our mist." "Wait, is it mist or midst?" "Which one were the gorillas in again?" "Jonah?" "Mist." "So, um, you went over my head to Glenn?" "Well, no, it just sort of came up in conversation..." "Well, thank God he did." "You know, you could stand to learn something from Mr. 100 here." "That's a nickname that we came up with." " He came up with." " Yeah." "I could think of a nickname for you too, but you haven't done anything really impressive lately." "How about Little Miss "On Time"?" "Dr. Cool?" "Workules?" "How about just Amy?" "Floor Supervisor." "Boring." "Wait." "Bed, Bath, and Beyonce!" "Huh?" "Hey." "Here you are." "Olives?" "It's the closest thing I could find to an olive branch." "Thanks." "Uh, so I guess now I restock these..." "No, no, no, I'll do it." "I'll..." "I'll..." "Excuse me." "Where can I find the charcoal?" "Grocery." "Look, I'm sorry for going over your head like that." "And I know what you're thinking." "I wouldn't have done that if you were a man." "Nope." "Wasn't thinking that." " Oh, good." " It's fine." "Just, next time, come to me first before you go to Glenn, all right?" "Got it, got it." "Although, I did come to you first." "Yeah, so next time, do a better job of it." " Better job." " Yeah." "Copy that." "How?" "Hey, uh, are we sold out of charcoal?" " Grocery." " Hmm." "Where are tampons?" "Electronics?" "No, they're where tampons normally are." "Okay." "How about you hang these nifty signs and then grab a mop?" "Because I don't think that raccoon ever left us." "Will do, uh, so... so real quick, and I hate to even mention this, but I think there's, like, a store policy against hanging flyers." "Yeah, I'm not, like, looking for a new bassist for my punk band;" "I think this is fine." "Right, right, of course." "But there really is a policy." "Yeah, you just said that." "But I'm now trying to do a better job of saying it." "Condolence cards, huh?" "Bummer." "Who died?" "Uh, a friend of mine." "Hmm." "You don't look very upset." "Probably not that good a friend." "Can I see a death certificate?" "I-I don't think I need a death certificate just to buy a card." "Well, well, well." "Look who knows a lot about Cloud 9 store policies." "What was your friend's name?" " I don't understand..." " How did he die?" "What did he love?" "What kind of music was he into?" "Billy Joel?" "Everybody's into Billy Joel." "Was he a vegetarian or normal?" "The kind of guy you trust with a lot of money or..." "Enough, all right?" "I see what you're doing, and you're right." "By the end, I didn't really know him anymore." "May... maybe I never really knew him." "The point is, I wasn't there for him when he needed me the most." "Hmm." "Funny." "You don't look Jewish." "Mateo." "What you doing in here?" "I'm investigating." "What if there is no secret shopper?" "You ever think that corporate is spying on us with a secret employee?" "Well, no, but now that's all I can think about." "You notice how Jonah never talks about what he was doing before this job?" "Well, sure, but I just figured he was a criminal." "You'd be surprised how many of our employees have been." "I mean, I've always wondered why an educated, privileged pretty boy would decide to work here." "And then I noticed Jonah's car has Illinois plates." "Oh." "Do you know what else is in Illinois?" "Oh, soybeans." "Cloud 9 headquarters." "Oh!" "I mean, now it makes sense how he beat my score on that test;" "He probably wrote the test." "Okay." "Let's keep this under our hats." "I don't want anyone to start acting weird around him." "Jonah, do you know why I called you in here?" "Uh, no." "Am I in trouble?" "As if." "Why?" "Am I in trouble?" "Um, I-I don't think so." "Whew." "That's a relief." " Yeah." " So, um..." "I'm just gonna come out and say it." "You know, I think I deserve a raise." " Absolutely." " Really?" "Yeah." "A big one." "Would you be willing to tell people about that?" "Am I?" "Sure, yeah." "I'll definitely..." "I'll tell whoever you want, yeah." "Oh, my God." "I-I don't know..." "You... you..." "I'm so glad we had this conversation." "Yeah." "I keep a tin of candies in here for special occasions." "They are wickedly sour." "What?" "Didn't he..." "Just like a regular Joe, huh?" "You're gonna have to do better than that." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "I think I got that..." "Let's talk about why you need each of those items in that basket." "Excuse me, Dina?" "Have you seen Jonah?" "Last time I saw that little piece, he was talking to Glenn in his office." "God, you smell like you're from Chicago." "Will Jonah please report to Patio immediately?" "I repeat..." "Jonah to Patio..." "One second." "Immediately!" "Okay." "I'm on my way." "Make sure that you actually are." "I just said I am." "Yes, but sometimes you say you're going to do things, and then you don't." "Why don't we have this discussion in person?" "Given that you just started working here..." "What is going on?" "Maybe you shouldn't tell me how to do my job." "Or maybe you should leave the intercom open for more important announcements." "No, you guys go wild." "I never want this to end." "I am your supervisor." "Don't think you know this job better than me just because you did well on some stupid test." "The test doesn't make me think I know better." "The test is empirical proof that I do know better." "Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers." "Dildos are on sale for 69 cents in aisle 69." "Hey, bozo, we're using the intercom!" "Get off!" "Why don't you take your own advice?" "Baba Booey, Baba Booey!" "Howard Stern for president!" "Hey, I need that!" " Penis, penis, penis!" " Karen Figoletto is a skank!" "Actually, kid, that's a lot more insightful than anything Jonah's got to say today." "Our manager seems to think I'm very insightful." "Yes, that's because you're a little ass-kissing face." "Oh..." "Have a heavenly day." "I don't understand what's gotten into you." "You're just lucky that Jonah doesn't take these kinds of things personally." "Jonah?" "Do you know what he said to me when I asked him if he was going to fire you?" "He said, "I can't do that."" "'Cause he can't." "I'm his boss." "Oh, right." "You are saying something that is true to you." "Oh, sorry." "Yeah?" "Sweetie, great news." "I'm getting a raise!" "There'll be money for the houseboat and for your mom's surgery." " Hey, Glenn?" " Hmm?" " Can I get back to work?" " Yeah." "Just play nice with Jonah." "Unless you want to spend the rest of your day doing backbreaking work in the stockroom." "Very convincing." "What do you mean, Dear?" "What I mean, "Dear,"" "is, if you'd just stayed in Pharmacy," "I wouldn't have batted an eye." "But no one your age is throwing their money away on a new bed." "I mean, let's be honest." "How many years of sleeping do you even have left?" "I don't know what's happening here." "I'll tell you what's happening." "Your cover's been blown, sweetheart." "Hello, Chicago." "I'm not stupid." "Oh." "Hey, so, uh..." "Things got a little out of hand back there." "Yeah." "Is this your way of apologizing?" "No, that was me giving you the chance to apologize to me." "Oh." "Okay, thank you." "Um, is there anything else I can help you with?" "We're out of Nosey the Anteater." " It's a plush toy..." " Yeah, I know who Nosey is." "I'll get him." "Do you, um... do you need a hand..." "No, no." "No." "No, thank you." "I know how to operate a forklift." "It's just been a while, and I don't remember there being so many levers." "Why are they always improving things?" "Are you sure you don't want any help?" "Because I've been studying the manual for my certification." "Oh, that's great, but, you know, sometimes you can memorize a textbook for something and still not know how to do it in real life, so..." "Okay." "Have at it." "Oh!" "Okay, Ace, why don't you give it a shot?" "Garrett, what up?" "Have you seen Jonah?" "I got some meatballs from that place he always calls "an unassuming gem."" "Why are you getting meatballs for Jonah?" "Because Jonah is a secret employee." "What?" "No." "Bad news, though." "Jonah hates meatballs." " What?" " Doesn't like 'em." "You know what he does like?" "He likes cakes from that bakery down on Birch." "The one you're always talking about?" "Mm-hmm, yeah." "That same one." "Jonah likes it too." "Jonah likes it too." "Okay." "He loves the cakes with coconut on them." "Okay, coconut cake, bakery on Birch." "None of that white chocolate stuff." " Got it, I'm on it." " That's what I'm talking about." "You're a secret shopper, aren't you?" "That's cool." "I won't tell." "Maybe this does something..." " Um..." " No." "No." " I don't think that's it." " Okay, okay." " Turn it off." " Sorry, not this!" " Turn it off!" "Okay!" "Okay, your turn." "Stop!" "Stop!" " Stop!" " Oh!" "The printers are right underneath..." " They're crushing the..." " Oh, okay, okay." " Cool?" " No, not cool!" "I'm spinning!" "Okay, all right." "Turn..." "I'm not touching anything!" " It's just going!" " Stop turning." " Like this?" " God, oh, God." "Amy!" "Yes!" "It's all coming back to me." "It's like riding a four-ton bicycle." "You hear that?" "That's the sound of victory." "No, no, no, no!" "You have to raise..." "Wah!" "Oh!" "Well." "So is there anything you want to talk about?" "Or should we just continue to destroy the stockroom?" "Look, I haven't told anyone here this because it would be really embarrassing if it didn't work out, but I've started taking college courses." "Well, that's..." "If anything you're about to say includes the words "brave," "courageous,"" "or "girl power," please don't talk." "So it was a little annoying when you started rubbing that stupid test in my face as if it meant you were smarter than me or something." "I don't think I'm smarter than you." "I know you're not smarter than me." "That's what's so annoying." "You're just one of those guys that things seem to work out for." "I flunked out of business school..." "In Chicago." "I didn't want to be there anyway." "It was stupid." "I was just 28 and trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life." "And apparently what I wanted to do with my life was rack up a whole bunch of debt." "So what'd you do?" "I took a long drive." "And then I wanted a snack, and so I stopped at this random store in St. Louis and saw they were hiring, and..." "Wow." "You know, if you weren't my boss," "I would say we should just get up and walk away like we didn't know any of this happened." "Yeah, right." "Although, these bolts are pretty rusty." "They could have totally fallen by themselves." "You are preaching to the choir." "Um, Jonah?" "Jonah." "Jonah!" " Oh!" "Get out of the way!" " Get out of the way!" "Oh!" "Hey, all things considered," "I think you handled that pretty well." "I got to hand it to that guy." "He's good." "I wouldn't be surprised if he had CIA training." "Spent a little time at The Farm." "You know they just sent the same guy they did last time, right?" "So what does this mean for us?" "Well, luckily, we still scored pretty well compared to Richmond Heights." "Turns out they had a meth lab in their basement, which, turns out, was just a front for a dog fighting ring." " Shh, shh, shh, shh." "This is my favorite part." "What?" "What's wrong with you?" "I know a camera when I see a camera." " Come on!" " You're crazy." "Man, the camera loves me."