"Alex, you've been my best friend for 20 years." "I don't know what I would do without you." "I literally..." "would not want to live." "But I don't have to think about that ever again because I get to spend the rest of my life with..." "I object!" "Who is that?" "I love you!" "What's happening here?" "I skipped the rehearsal, but I'm pretty sure that guy's in love with Alex." "Don't do this!" "You told me you don't know if you still love him, and that he let himself go and that... the sex was bad." "My Nana's here." "I love you." "Come with me." "Are we supposed to kick this guy's ass?" "You do it." "You're black." "He's probably scared of you." "But you're gay and chubby." "No one will see it coming." "Chubby?" "Dave," "I'm sorry." "I can't do this." "I'm coming." "Kick-ass!" " I'm sure she'll be right back." " It's gonna be okay." "I promise you." "Huge game changer." "Huge." "I'm sorry, bro." "Sucks." "1x01" " Pilot" "The Left at the Altar Team" "Rollerblades?" "Even I think rollerblades are gay, and I had sex with a dude last night." "I know she's your sister, babe, but that was cold-blooded." "Are you really not drinking right now?" "'Cause I'd like to think if it happened at my Massachusetts Civil Union, and you were the best man, you'd be schlammered." "Jane and I are on our prepregnancy cleanse." "No meat, no sugar, no booze." " I like to keep a tidy uterus." " She does." "Dave texted me." "He says he doesn't wanna talk, but that he's..." ""All good in the hood"?" "Why?" "!" "Well, here's to the last time we were ever all together." "They could still work this out." "Are you crazy?" "Are you a crazy person?" "Have you lost your mind?" "Because Alex and Dave will never be able to be in the same room together again." "Or a week from now, we're all gonna be back at the church, and Dave and Alex are gonna be there, and we're gonna be laughing like," ""What Runaway Bride situation?"" "Hey, guys." "Wassup?" "How you doing?" "Great." "Really great." "I'm kicking ass." "I've been doing lots of stuff." "Taking online yoga, meeting great people." "They're calling me "Bodhi", which is awesome because of Point Break." "Watched that a lot." "Totally holds up." "What happened to Lori Petty, right?" "I invented a new drink." " Who wants to try a gin smoothie?" " Crazy." "Little bit of this, lot of that." "Sidebar..." "Penny, thanks for the blender." "Awesome." "Sweetie, you and Alex are gonna work this out." "This is just the sad chapter in your epic love story." "This is a classic story of boy meets girl, boy loses girl to guy on rollerblades, boy becomes biggest YouTube sensation since Kitten Stuck in Tuba." "It's on YouTube?" "How many hits?" "Barely any." "I'm gonna break it down for you because I love you." "Your wedding was horrible." "It was like a shark attack at a Sunday school." "But there is a positive, and that is that you are single right now." "So go get some pants on, and let's get you some sex." "I don't wanna get some sex." "I wanna get some married..." "To Alex." "I don't get it, you guys." "Did she say the sex was bad?" "Every relationship has its ups and downs, sweetie." " I always thought it was her fault." " I might've gotten lazy." "Recycled some moves." "But that is so bad." "You're giving off a real Howard Hughes vibe here." "I feel like you're about storing your urine in jars." " Let's go get you some food." " I just ate three French bread pizzas and most of the world's largest chocolate bride." "I left the hand... to hold." "I'm okay." "I'm good." "I'm just gonna kick back." "Recharge the battery." "Besides, I got a ton of thank you notes to write." ""Darkness reigns." ""Hope gurgles out its dying breath." ""Thank you for the beautiful crock-pot." You can't send this." "It's a rough draft." "Guys, I'm gonna be fine, all right?" "I just need a little me time." "A little D time." "Besides, Alex's next move is probably gonna be to call, so I should stay close to the phone." "She's definitely gonna call." "She went on the honeymoon with the Rollerblade guy." "Somebody get me some pants." "I kind of feel like we're cheating on Alex." "I know." "You did not have to tell him she went on the honeymoon." "It makes her look bad." "Alex looks bad because she's doing bad stuff." "That's like saying John Mayer's songs are making John Mayer look bad." "I love your tattoo." "It really just reminds me to stay grounded." " The dumbest thing I've ever heard." " What?" "I love staying grounded!" "Get it!" "That's my friend, son." " A special girl." " Who does that?" "That's what you're going with?" "Listen." "I know there's nothing I can say." "Please know that I'm so sorry." "So is that guy your boyfriend, by the way?" "Who?" "Bo?" "Of course his name is Bo." "He probably shaves his toes." "No, he's not my boyfriend." "We flirted a little bit at work." "I have no idea why he thought I'd run away with him." "Because you did." "And how was our honeymoon?" "Did Bo enjoy the sunset couples massage and having sex with you?" "!" "What?" "I never cheated on you, and Bo didn't go with me." "Listen, Dave, I didn't run away with him." "I just... ran away." "I can't believe that you got the white trash tourist braids!" "You look like Predator!" "I feel like you're gonna rip my spine out and keep my skull as a trophy!" "I'm sorry." "But I've been having second thoughts for a while." "Think about the past few years." "Can you honestly say they still felt the same?" "Happy Valentine's Day, baby." "$40?" "You're welcome." "You're the only girl I've ever even liked." "I literally can't even picture myself with another woman ever again for the rest of my life." "Have you seen my tongue ring?" "I hope I didn't swallow another one." "I do not know who that is." "I can't believe he slept with the "stay grounded" girl." "In our bed." "On the sheets I got you?" "Do you know how hard it is to get slut out of Egyptian cotton?" "I can't believe you guys let him go home with another girl." "You're not really in a position to comment on people leaving places with people they're not supposed to leave with." "Come on, Penny!" "Come on, Penny, you piece of garbage." "Come on, Penny!" "Penny, please!" "Penny, please." "Do this, Penny!" " Take it easy." " Welcome back to the single life." "It has gotten competitive out there." "Let's go, ladies." "It's time to blast our glutes!" "While you've been spooning for ten years, the whole game changed." "A guy doesn't even have to call anymore." "A text at midnight is basically a romantic dinner for two." "Hope you're ready to put out." "Why don't you pull Dave aside tonight at Penny's party and talk to him?" "You're gonna work this out." " He's gonna forgive you." " Were you not at the wedding?" "There's nothing better out there." "It'sa bunch of poor guys with weird sexual stuff." "And even when you do it, they still don't call." "Pen, I was thinking, you know." "Is it okay if maybe I don't come tonight?" " I don't want to cause any drama." " Really?" "You're not gonna come to my 30th birthday party?" "I'll tell Todd that you didn't want to meet him." "I'm sorry." "Who's Todd again?" "Only the future father to Hailey, Madison, and Mackenzie." "Right." "Excuse me, ma'am." "Are you done with this machine?" ""Ma'am"?" "I am gonna go and bawl my eyes out, and then I will be back to physically fight you." "Dude, I am so pumped we're gonna be roomies." "Yeah, it'll be like college again, except now you're chubby." "Chubby?" "Is that, like, a thing that is being talked about?" "When Jane and I get this house, you should come live with us." "The only single people in the suburbs are pedophiles and lesbian guidance counselors." "Look who's here." " Your old friend meat is back." " I'm good, bro." "Jane made me a nice lunch." "That smells like a European basketball player." "This cleanse is brutal." " I lost 11 pounds... today." " More importantly" "Are you coming to Penny's party?" "She's bringing a new dude, which is always hilarious." "Of course I'm coming to Penny's party." "Why wouldn't I be?" "Because of Alex?" "I am an adult, and I'm gonna handle this like an adult." "Wassup?" "!" "Best night ever." "You remember Jackie." "Didn't realize you were gonna be at this thing." "Awkward." "You two already sorta met, but this is Jackie," "I don't know what to call you." "Girlfriend?" " Girlfriend?" " Girlfriend?" "Total rebound." "She means nothing to him." "Jane, stop trying to fix everything, okay?" "Dave and I are through." "I'm gonna need vodka in a water glass with ice, and I'm gonna be ordering "water" from you all night long, so one "water" please." "Did we start already or do you want water?" "Just bring me vodka." "So, Jackie, love your hat." "Thanks." "It's signed by Turtle from Entourage." "What are you wearing that's so great, huh?" "Everybody!" "Hi!" "You two, at least keep it together for Penny's sake." "Happy Birthday!" "So, this is Todd." "And this is Alex, Jane, Max, Dave, and..." "Jackie, Dave's girlfriend." "Great to see you again." "Penny has told me so much about you guys." "So much." "It's awesome how close you all are." "Really special." "I'm just gonna run and wash my hands, okay, babe?" "Go." "Get outta here." "Isn't he ah-mah-zing?" " He seems really great and superhot." " That dude is gay." " Sorry?" " He gave me gay eyes, like, right away." "That dude is gayer than Dave's jacket." "I think I would know if he was gay." "Come on, you had no idea that I was gay." "This just feels so right." "Totally." "I'm just looking out for you." "What straight guy washes his hands?" "Sorry." "It's just so hard to get the soot off." " I'm a volunteer fireman." " Yep, yep." "There it is." "Happy Birthday, party people!" "Dirty 30!" " I thought you were turning 26." " I am turning 26." "What?" "You're serious." "I can't wait to be 26." "I feel like nobody really takes you seriously when you're still in high school." "Waitress, another "water" when you get a chance." "That bitch young." "What do you think about Todd?" "He's not gay, right?" "So, Jackie, what do you wannna be when you grow up?" "I either wanna be a veterinarian or have a reality show." "Those are things." " Say something." " So," " where'd you two lovebirds meet?" " JDate." "We instantly connected." " I thought you had to be Jewish." " I am Jewish." "No, I was talking about Penny." "Penny's also Jewish." "All right!" "26-year-old Jew." "Anything else I need to know, Penny?" "Just how to read e-mails labeled "Urgent party deets."" "Jewish dudes are my jam." "Like that Shia LaBeouf." "I'd love to connect with him, huh?" "Am I right, Todd?" "I think I'm right." " I'm more of a Megan Fox guy, bro." " Are you really?" "It really is all about connecting, isn't it, Todd?" "And we are so glad to finally meet you." "And, Penny, Happy Birthday." "You know what?" "I would throw in one caveat, Todd." "You never know when someone else is gonna come in and connect with the someone you already connected with, and before you know it, your nickname on YouTube is" ""The Wedding Douche," and you're living out of a gym bag." "Thanks for coming, everybody." "It feels like only yesterday that I was born during the 1984 Olympics, a young Jewess," "26 years ago." "You know what, Todd?" "Dave is right, things change." "You have to work at the relationship." "Don't shower twice a week and only focus on your stuff in bed." "I am a very caring lovemaker." " He is." " Here we go!" "All I did was work on our relationship." "You're super high-maintenance." "Wait." "So, Alex is the runaway bride?" "Yes, jailbait, I am the runaway bride, and I ruined everything for everybody." "I don't know what to say except two minutes before I'm supposed to walk out there," "Jane's talking about prepregnancy cleanses and moving to the suburbs." "I don't have an excuse except for the fact that..." "I freaked out." "Really great bridesmaid work." "You know, if a few sentences can make a girl run out of your wedding, you weren't on solid ground in the first place." " You're not on solid ground!" " Not your best comeback." "Come on, everybody." "Chill, all right?" "Todd must think we're meshugenah." "Did I say that right?" "Right context?" "Because you're Jewish." "Look, Alex, honey, just calm down." "Have some water." "Thank you." "What the hell?" "This is all vodka!" "What?" " Waiter." " Jane, you're drinking?" " No, you're drinking." " Night of a thousand comebacks." "What about our cleanse?" "I've had pure evil coming out of both ends of my body for three weeks," " and you're drinking vodka?" " I'm sorry." "I just..." "I don't know." "I don't wanna have a baby right now." "I did when I thought Alex and Dave were gonna have one and live next door, and we were all gonna be happy together, but, now it's just gonna be us out there in the suburbs, all alone," "slowly giving up." "Five years later, I'm rocking butchy mom hair and dreaming about driving my burgundy windstar through a farmer's market." "And Max is living in Santa Fe with a furniture dealer named Robin." "Is it a girl?" "Is it a guy?" "I don't know." "'Cause we haven't spoken in five years!" "And then I run into Penny at Todd's memorial." "He died, but not in a fire." "In a charity bike-a-thon for families of dead firemen." "Sorry, rough twist." "And Penny and I don't even recognize each other because I haven't seen her since her 30th birthday party." " 26th." " And it's all your fault, Alex!" "Well, that's what happens when you drink vodka on a stomach full of cabbage juice." "Give me that." "Hey, meat." "Nice work." "You're the Michael Jordan of destroying friendships." "You're the Michael Jordan of banging underage sluts." "I'm 18, slut." "And who's Michael Jordan?" "God, your friends are all so immature." "Happy 26th birthday Penny." "Wait." "Are you 30 or are you 26?" "I'm 30 and I'm Catholic and I'm gonna die alone in a light-up Christmas sweater, talking to a menagerie of parrots." "I'm so confused right now." "I know you are." "Been there." "And you will realize, may not be today, tomorrow, a month, or a year from now." "You will wake up one day and say, "Whoa." "I like dudes."" "And when that happens, I would love it if you gave me a call." "We'll go get a beer." "We'll rent a movie, maybe Kate  Leopold." "Dude," "I'm not gay." "What a homophobe." "A homophobe who now has my number, thank you." "Really excellent work, you two." "That was my worst birthday since my mom frenched my boyfriend at Epcot." " So are you 100 % sure Todd is gay?" " 150 %." "Our good-bye last night was a weird." " Has anyone talked to Dave or Alex?" " Dave's coming." "So that means we can't invite Alex?" "This sucks." "Guys." "Check it out." "Hi, guys." "Right?" "Great news." "We are back together." "Just kidding." "I still hate her, but, she did spend four hours apologizing last night, which was a pretty good start." "And Dave did admit that he's been taking me for granted for a while." "I did, but I said that's the kind of stuff you talk about before the wedding, not at the wedding." "And I pointed out Dave wore flip-flops to my parents' 35th anniversary." "It was black-tie optional." " Here we go." " Another double Bloody." "Guys, this is all my fault." "And what I did to Dave was... horrible." "But we agree that's between us, and it would kill me... if I'm the reason that we all can't hang out anymore." "I mean, none of us has made a new friend in 11 years." "I wouldn't know how to do." "What do you do, walk up to random people and go, "Hey, blah, blah, blah." "Sports"?" "I just wanna meet my husband." "I was once on this plane with this lady, and she tried talking to me." "I pretended I had some kind of disability." "Buddy." "I'm sorry your birthday got ruined." "But I got you something." "What is it, rollerblades?" " I apologize." " Don't." "Happy Birthday!" "I haven't been this happy since my Bar Mitzvah." "Can you sit down?" " Don't mind if I do-skis." " Maybe you don't-skis." "You might wanna take a vacation from the cake." "Is this the chubby thing?" "'Cause if it is, say it to my face." "Do you guys think I look fat?" " You got extra pounds." " I just worry about your health." "You look like a young Kathy Bates." " It's like if Paul Rudd gave up." " I'll take her." "I do not mind."