"Beats By Dre - £1 99." "Abo  Fitch - £79.95." "SHB vehicle hire - £69." "That's actually bloody decent for a quad bike rental." "Jack Wills..." "Now, please, can you just understand that this was for an entire winter look £467.55." "The Sock Factory..." "That's the name of a website," " not an actual factory that I bought." " Enough." "Seriously, before I puke up my cheesy frites." "I set you up for an interview with Magda at Jonty Bonty" " and you do what?" "." " I fucked it." "Yeah." "You fucked it... in all available holes - fanny, mouth, arse" " and a bollock up each nostril." " I tried... really hard." "I know what you did, Jonathan." "I wasn't born Tuesday, AKA yesterday." "Well, that is it." "I'm disconnecting the pipe." " What pipe?" "." " The money pipe, Jonathan." "I've sorted you a job." "Junior position, shit pay - until you accept, you are officially cut off." "Oregon?" "." "Oh, I'm just, erm, burning some poems." " Right, the, er, competition." " Yeah." "Bit of a poetry surplus scenario." "But, I mean, you have read them all, though?" "." "I've read them, yeah." "I've nearly read most of these poems." "Do you think that you should maybe come clean?" "." " Come clean about what?" "." " Taking 20 grand and wasting it" " on a poetry prize." " It's not wasted!" " (BAG SCRUNCHES)" " Arts, legacy, patronage." "It's OK." "Everything's basically gonna be OK." "Right." "Back to the bonfire!" " I'll get marshmallows!" " OK." " I make that precisely bonk o'..." " (ECSTATlC moaning) ...clock." "Oh, God!" " Oh." "Hello." "Sorry." " No." "No." "God, I..." "I'm sorry." "I..." "I should've knocked. (LAUGHS)" "Um, but this is great." "Um, you two just crack on." "Give him a bloody good bonking." "And I..." "I shall take my leave!" "(DOOR SHUTS)" "JP:" "He's a clever, clever bastard." "He's isolated my one weakness - poverty." "Poverty is like my kryptonite." "I think poverty is everyone's kryptonite, JP." "You know what?" "." "It's fine, I can do it." "I can live on the breadline." "It'll be fucking fun!" "Shopping around for deals," " using vouchers for Prezzo." " Oh, yeah." "I mean, if you get really strapped, you could always sell your collection of antique Edwardian nutcrackers." "Yes, Vod, or we could bring out our mutual friend" " Cunty Landlord." ""Oh, hello, Cunty, how are you today?"" ""I'm fine, thank you, JP." "Has Vod paid her rent this week?"" " "No, she hasn't, Cunty."" " All right." "Easy." "Got more angry paper." "I mean, it's so red, so angry." "Oggs, more poetry for you." "Right!" "I'll get the wheelbarrow!" "It just all seems indulgent, a bit braggy," " a bit "look at me"!" " Howard, it's a CV, mate." "It's supposed to be a bit "look at me"." "I don't like to boast." "I'm small-headed." "Though, ironically, when it comes to helmet rental," "I always come up large." "It's Ordnance Survey, OK?" "." "They've probably got 28,000 candidates for that one position." "Oh, quick warning." "I've got Bad Soc this afternoon, so don't expect any sense out of me tonight!" "Oh, badminton," " the last refuge of the fucking loser." " Mind your backs." "Er, Vod." "This isn't badminton, this is radminton." " More like sadminton." " More like madminton." "Last week... (LAUGHS)...we ended up doing vodka shots out of a shuttlecock." " Shuttlecocks have got holes in them." " Exactly!" "Cos that's how fucking mad we are." "So, yeah, I'm pretty much set up for friends nex year." "Game, set and trashed." "(SMACKS lips)" "It's from Fulbright - the scholarship people." "That's going to be me, Vod - stroking books and just laughing." "Great." "Professor Dumblefuck's lnternational School of Book-Stroking." "Mm." "I think I may sell these nutcrackers after all." "How's the novella?" "." "It's a novel." "Of course it is." "Well, thanks for pitching in with the reading." "Pleasure." "And thus did I decamp to fair Buxon, and therein did immerse myself in verse, the majority of which, sorry to conjure, were read in a Radox-filled bubble bath." "What's this?" ".!" "Those are my receipts, Oregon, that you very kindly offered to cover in lieu of my standard reader's fee." "Three grand?" ".!" "Johnny Walker?" ".!" "Turbot?" ".!" "What the fuck is a Belvedere?" "." "It's a type of cigar." "Is that a new cardie?" "." "Have you had your teeth whitened?" "." "Oregon, that is an outrageous accusation" " that really is from the bottom drawer." " Oh, my God." "How am I supposed to get three grand of turbot past Accounts?" "." "This thing is spiralling." "Oregon, if you're struggling, just reach out and ask for help." "No, it's fine." "I can bury it." "These will not be a problem." "I can just make the necessary..." "adjustments to the budget." "Everything will be..." "Those are new fucking shoes, Tony, I can see the soles!" "Have you seen where they're holding the Graduation Ball?" ".!" " Fucking Distractions!" " Oh, I like Distractions." "It's a worm pit." "It's basically a portal to hell with a chewy toothbrush dispenser." "The DJ wears a funny wig." "It is a solid night out. (LAUGHS)" "It was like a green quiff, if you can imagine such a thing." "I mean, why not go all-out and hold it in the fucking Wild Bean Cafe?" ".!" " That's not as mad an idea as it sounds." " If you don't like it, why don't you sort something, Kingo?" "." "Oh, yeah, Vod, I'll sort something out." "Cos that's the sort of thing that happens." ""Oh, let's have a party." ""What sort of records will I play at my party?" "." ""Where will the people put their coats," ""or should I just put all the coats in a big bag?" Wake up, Vod, fuck's sake, huh?" "." "Alternative Grad Ball." "Think about it." " Alternative Grad Ball..." " So..." "I have a first draft, my CV " "The Life And Times Of Howard Redacted McGregor." "The first thing you'll notice is the impeccable formatting and then almost immediately your eye will be drawn to a jarring blend of fonts - Avenir Medium for the body and Franklin Gothic Bold for the headers - a kind of niggling disparity which wills you to look away," "but, of course, you cannot." " "lnstep"?" "." " "Blood group"." " "Potted dental history"." " Oh, can I see that?" "." ""Hobbies and interests" " N/A"?" "." "Not...applicable." "I did not know that about your premolars." "You need interests, Howard." "Just put anything." "I could put vintage Japanese erotica." " Yeah, don't put that." " Even your teeth" " make you sound weird." " Just make something up, Howard, lie." "Well, I'm off to Lee-dull  Lie-dull?" "." "The horrible place with the free food." "Josie..." "I'm a bit confused." "Do you think maybe we could have a little chat about our trade agreement, re, er, docking at Smuggler's Cove?" "." "Probably my least favourite vagina euphemism." "So, just to clarify, um, I am still free to, er, trade my bananas with other interested regions?" "." "No, JP, because I'm so in love with you." ""Oh, Josie loves JP!" "Maybe she should get him a Valentine's card!"" "Basically, I wouldn't be that upset if you died." "I mean, I'd be sad, but I'd rally pretty bloody quickly." "So, yeah, maybe we should just forget the whole thing." "Oh, fine, yeah, I mean, you know, if that's what you want." "Well, that way, you don't have to worry about me barging in on you when you're balls-deep." "Do you really wanna know what this is?" "." "Yes." "It's a fuckfest free-for-all and we're just two horny atoms who keep accidentally smashing into each other, capiche?" "." "Yeah, capiche." "I'm really glad we cleared that up." "Good, now I'm cocking off." "For now, we badminton." "# Friday night and everyone's moving" "# I can feel the heat but it's soothing" "# Heading down" "# I search for the beat in this dirty town" "# Downtown the young ones are going" "# Downtown the young ones are growing" " # We're the kids in America - # Whoa-oh!" "# We're the kids in America... #" "Shuttlecock shot!" " Ooh." " Oh-h!" "Phew!" "We only need 1 5 more and then we can move for impeachment." "It's a petition to have Oregon Shawcross kicked out of office." "Yes, sorry." "I can't sign this." "Um, she's actually a friend of mine." "She's running this union into the ground - slashing resources and jizzing away God knows how much on her thing." "I think you'd better go." "Dale!" "Guys, seriously, you want me to go?" "." "I'm Jumping Josie Jones, the mad slag of Bad Soc?" "." "I just don't think that you'd be particularly comfortable with the kind of activism we've got in mind." " Like what?" "." " We are going to burn an effigy of Oregon in the Quad." "Wow!" "OK." "Yeah." "Um, first off, can I just say, and this didn't come from me  burn the witch, burn the witch, burn the witch!" "Um, I'm just joking, obviously," " she is a really great friend, but..." " You know, any information you could give us would be really appreciated." "So I've been thinking about this Alternative Grad Ball." "I think it could look pretty good on the old CV, plus, bit of a cheeky middle digit up at those goons at 6 Music." "My first question as a punter is, "Will it be boring?"" "Well, why would it be boring?" ".!" "But I do need your help." "You've got 60 seconds and then I must get back to the books." "Right." "Theme?" "." "Oh, erm, Carnevale di Venezia, so Carnival of Venice - a masked ball." " So an orgy?" "." " Not an orgy." "Like a warehouse party, but in a marquee - Italian hard house." "You know, like a rave, but, um, sort of with cheese." "A classy masked rave in a large tent with loads of cheese." "Right, let's talk toilets." "One unit per ten females, er, trough-style urinals for the blokes." "Speak to the farmer whose field it is." "He'll, er, let you dump your turds in his silo." "That way, you save on pumpage." "Nex?" "." "Um..." "So, um, yeah, er, so in terms of types of cheese," "I was thinking, um, Grana Padano and Pecorino Romano." "Dude, you've got 1 5 seconds left and you wanna ask me about cheese?" "." "Um... no?" "." "What about car-parking, ticketing, wristbands, security, insurance, rigging, lighting, gaffers, stage hire, roadies, hand-stampers, and that's time." "Where the fuck am I going to find hand-stampers?" ".!" "Kingsley, are you sure you should be taking this on with your finals?" "." "Oh, where's my wooden board?" "." "I like it on a wooden board." "It tastes better on a wooden board." "(ROSA MUTTERS)" "What is with all the muttering?" "." "I don't know, but she just put my panini in the bin." "Oh, shit, she's coming back." "Well...there's the famous Latin temperament." "I mean, I don't know what I expected." "You dip your dick into Mount Etna, you're gonna get burnt." "Yeah, well, good luck with organising the marquee for your orgy." "Oh, um, I was thinking, 60 quid a ticket?" "." "Is that right?" "." "Cos, like, 60 times 1,000..." "I mean," "I should be able to set up some sort of pop-up charcuterie store on 60,000 quid, right?" "." "Right." "I mean, forget about the books, how about I give you a hand?" "." "I know a field and it is fallow as fuck." "Just a few details before we can proceed with your emergency hardship application." "Please, take your time." "It's just nice to be warm." "Can I ask what your, er, living status is, Jonathan?" "." "Landlord." "You're a homeowner?" "." "I am asset-rich but cash-poor, which" " I don't know whether you know, Janet - is just an absolute fucker." "Can I ask what your household income is, in terms of your parents?" "." "Respectfully, I'd prefer not to disclose that as I feel it may negatively influence the outcome of my application." "Just so you're aware, based on what you've told me, I think" " it's highly unlikely..." " Why?" "." "Because of my bearing?" "." "Let me tell you a little story." "Christopher Biggins." "Privately educated, very popular entertainer." "Bankrupt!" "It happens!" "And at this point, with regret, it has become necessary for me to ask for assistance from the state." "We have limited resources and, with the recent cuts, we have to focus our funding." "Oregon!" "Fucking Oregon!" "Don't freak." "I repeat, do not freak." "Blink if you understand." "Apparently, there's been a petition going round." "They've got 1 00 signatures." "They've triggered a vote of no confidence." "I am so sorry, Oregon." "They're moving to impeach." "Impeachment!" "They're trying to overthrow me!" "Midway through planting a crab-apple tree and they drop this shit on me!" "1 00 names!" "The Traitor Menu." "I mean, I'm not putting them on a watchlist, but..." "Mm, your girlfriend signed this." "What can I tell you?" "." "La donna, she's her own animal." "God, I wish she'd just fuck off back to Switzerland!" " Um, Italy." " Why would she fuck off back to Italy?" "." "Because she's from Italy?" "." "She might fuck off via Switzerland." "She's not ltalian." " She's totally Italian." " No!" "She speaks Italian because she's from one of the Italian cantons in Switzerland." "Italian cantons of Switzerland?" "." "You've just made that up!" "You know, Switzerland?" "." "Chocolate." "Cuckoo clocks." "Dignitas." "Nom-nom-nom-nom." "Cuckoo!" " Urgh..." " OREGON:" "Switzerland?" "." "Famously stayed out of World War ll?" "." "Ironic, considering the politics of your Nazi fucking wife." "Swiss..." "Hm, Switzerland." "ECHOlNG:" "My Swiss girlfriend, Swiss girlfriend, Swiss girlfriend..." " So, what's your nex move?" "." " Well," "I've got until the vote at 8pm tomorrow to balance the budget and get the books straight." "Meanwhile, I'm tit-high in Tony's fucking turbot!" "(PHONE rings)" "Hello, Night-Line." "My name's Natasha." "How can I help you?" "." "Hello, Natasha." "How are you doing tonight?" "." "Not great." "Whatever it is, I'm sure I can help." "I'm closing Night-Line." "Who is this?" "." "This is Oregon Shawcross, your president." "I have just have been on a bus to the supermarket" " where I bought...some bones." " I'm about to boil some pasta in a minute." "If you want, you can have my water." "Now I know what reality feels like." "Scratchy and harsh." " You're being pathetic." " Yes, I am being pathetic, Josie, defiantly pathetic!" "I can't do this by myself." "I need help." "Somebody help me." "Well, I have finally e-mailed my CV to Ordnance Survey HQ." ""interests and hobbies include reading, walking and..." ""street magic."" " Street magic?" ".!" " You put down street magic?" "." " Why did you put street magic?" "." " Because I asked JP and he said put something cool down, like street magic." "I said, "Put down something cool like street magic."" "I didn't say put fucking street magic!" "Oh, hot, horny hell," " have I made an error?" "." " They're gonna have this stack of boring CVs and then the resume of David fucking Blaine." "What do you think the first question is they're gonna ask you?" "." ""Can you levitate?"" " "Will you smash my watch?" - "Can you teleport?"" " "Can you turn invisible?" - "Can you burn a £50 note" ""and then you cough and it's in your mouth?"" "Do you honestly think they'll expect me to levitate?" "." "I think they're gonna expect something in the levitation ballpark, yeah." "Well, I'm on a hiding to nothing on this one because I'm one of the most land-borne people I know." "Right?" "." "Can somebody spot me some croutons for my bone soup?" "." "(CROWD CHANTS) Where's our bus?" ".!" "So, where's our bus?" ".!" "So, where's our bus?" ".!" "(chanting continues)" "JOSlE:" "Whack the head!" "It's filled with Haribo!" "Hey, I've got a good one!" "(CHANTS) Orry, Orry, Oregon!" " (CROWD CHANTS) Out, out, out!" " Orry, Orry, Oregon..." "Josie, what are you doing?" ".!" "Er..." "This?" "." "This is just...a harmless bit of satirical fun." "Is that an effigy?" ".!" "Are they going to burn me?" ".!" "No." "No." "Um, not until they've got all the sweets out of your big head." "Josie, this is horrible!" "Come on!" "It's just a bit of, you know, knockabout fun." "Punch and Judy politics." "Don't take it so personally." "They are going to set fire to me." "Oregon, I don't want politics to come between our friendship, OK?" "." "But, you know, closing down Night-Line..." "It got six calls a week!" "(CROWD CHEERS)" " (FLAMES WHOOSH) - (CHEERlNG lNTENSlFlES)" "Oh!" "Whoa!" "God, that really went up!" "This is awful." " Burn the witch!" "Burn the witch!" " So flammable." "Burn the witch!" "Burn the witch!" "That is a killer field." "Beautifully fucking irrigated." " We should check the acoustics." " Mm." "One, two." "Two, two." "One, two." "Two!" " I'm none the wiser." " Mm." "Sorry, can you put those fucking sunglasses on or take them off?" "." "(PHONE rings)" "God." "Mum again." "Bandit had a seizure." "Who the fuck's Bandit?" "." "The epilepsy dog." "Epilepsy dog had a seizure?" "." "Epilepsy dog has epilepsy?" ".!" "Well, does he, though?" "." "Or is it all just part of the mind war?" "." ""Uni's coming to an end." "Oh, big coincidence" " Bandit's had a wobbler."" "She probably locked him in the cupboard under the stairs with a strobe until he wigged out." "Oh, yeah, she wants you back." "What a bitch(!" ")" "Well, there's no way I'm moving back with her." "I'd rather move to the Yemen and work in a salt mine." "Nah, I'll just stay in Manchester." "Move in with Rosa, probably." " Very... homely." " What do you think about her, though, really?" "." "I tell you what I think about your Swiss girlfriend, Kingsley." "Neutral." "I feel neutral." "Not one side or the other." " She's just been on my back lately." " Hm." "Weighing you down, like one of them really big Toblerones you get from Duty Free." "I mean, it can't be the case that I like her less because she's Swiss." "But...also, it is the case." "I mean, you saw her, flying off the handle like that." "There's no need for it." "If she's not ltalian, that just means she's just really fucking snippy." "Oregon, I've come to claim £20,000 for the greatest poem in the world." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "There was a young legend from Stow" " Who snorted a kilo of blow..." " JP, that's a limerick." "Um, you're not gonna win with a limerick." "(CLEARS THROAT)" " There was a young lady from St Mary's..." " Again, limerick." "(CLEARS THROAT)" " There was a young geezer..." " If it begins," ""There was a young", it's a fucking limerick, JP!" "I brought you some sweets." "Oh, good." "They managed to get all the sweets out of my big, flammable, fucking pinata head before it exploded into flames?" "." "No." "They didn't, actually." "We had some packets left over." "So, the dreaded vote of no confidence." "If only there were some way you could rise above your problems." "OREGON:" "Howard, what are you doing?" "." "I'm levitating?" "." "Like some kind of highly employable Christ figure." "Ssh..." "Well, I want names, Josie." "I am going to highlight those involved." "It is not Orwellian, it is just being very bloody organised." ""Jezebel James"?" "." "That's you, isn't it?" "." "You signed this?" ".!" "I'm desperate, OK, Oregon?" "." "I need friends for nex year and Bad Soc's all I've got." "Yeah, well, you know what?" "." "Fuck Bad Soc!" "No way!" "Yes way." "Funding has been cut." "I am breaking Bad Soc." "You evil fucking despot." "Sorry, Josie." "Death to sadminton." "Do you think he looks menacing enough?" "." "Quite sad eyes." "He's big." "He's bald." "He's bearded." "Tick, tick, tick." "Yes, please." "Maybe I should ask him to manhandle me?" "." "You know, try before you buy." "Mm." "Plus, we do a lot of security on match days." "Sweet!" "Ooh, do you want, er, Mole to manhandle you now, Kingo?" "." "Oh, yeah, she's...she's joking!" "It's..." "No, there's not..." "not much man to manhandle, methinks!" "What's the, er, damage, you know, bunce-wise?" "." "1,500 for the night." "Or...nothing, and we do the sundries - coke, weed, pills." "Interesting." "I don't think we've found a supplier yet, for our sundries, have we, Kingo?" "." "Yeah." "So sorry, Mole." "Um, just, yeah, a quick confab with my associate." "Um, yeah." "What the fuck?" "." "He's a dealer?" ".!" "He's a short, bald man from Liverpool in a bomber jacket." "I mean, I'm no Poirot..." ""Mole"." "He sounds all nice!" "He sounds all Toad Of Toad Hall." "He's a drugs mole!" "There are gonna be drugs at the Grad Ball, mm?" "." "So, we either go to the open market, orwe go with a local supplier who provides a...quality, freshly sourced product." "Don't make him sound like he's some fucking artisan baker!" "He's a drug dealer, he's dangerous!" "All right!" "Don't stack your briefs." "We'll find someone else." "OK." "So, what now?" "." "What's the etiquette with these people?" "." "Do they have an etiquette?" "." "Or do we just turn around and walk away really fucking briskly?" "." "Yeah, that's what we do." "How are you holding up?" "." "Yeah, yeah, no, really good." "Um, I'm looking forward to my vote of confidence!" "I thought it was a vote of no confidence?" "." "Yeah, well, that all depends on if you're a negative person or you're more in the mould of a Dorothy Parker meets Ellen MacArthur." "Straw poll - if you were interviewing me for a job, would you be impressed if I, very safely," "launched a small firework from about my beard?" "." "Oh." "Two, four, six..." "No hands?" ".!" "Great feedback, thanks." "Oregon, could you just lift your chin up?" "." "I'm doing a cheeky little lampoon for the protest movement." "You're lampooning me?" ".!" "Yeah." "The Blaster got in touch out of the blue." "I've been commissioned." "I'm getting paid!" "Screw you, Tomothy!" "All aboard the satirical-cartoon gravy train!" "Nex stop..." "Money Town!" "Why have I got whisker...?" "." "Am I shitting?" ".!" "You're a fat cat, trying to escape on a hot-air balloon marked "corruption"" "and you're taking a big steaming shit onto all of the students down below you, but now this sword, with "impeachment" written on it, is about to cut off your head." "It is a pretty good likeness, considering it's a cat taking a shit." "Well, it's irrelevant, because I've balanced the budget." "Night-Line," "Fell Walking - cut, cut, cut!" "Plus, I've told them that I've got an appointment for a yeast infection, so they pushed the vote back by two hours." "Oh, no!" "The England game's tonight." "Uh-oh, there goes the sports vote." "JP:" "Same old Oregon, same old shit!" "No, actually, JP, new Oregon, cos it's a new day, new outlook." "New policies, new haircut." "New ideas, new energy, new haircut." "I am going to move on and I'm changing everything - new direction, new haircut." "You keep saying "new haircut"." "New haircut for a new president, for a new outlook on a new haircut to inspire... new confidence." "Vod, I need you to give me a new... haircut." "Hm." "(# katie MELUA:" "Nine Million Bicycles)" "So, I was thinking..." "All right!" "I can do that!" "OK." "So, what I've done is I've gone too short on this side." "So I can either go short on the other side or you can have slightly wonky hair?" "." "Um..." "Don't worry." "OK." "So, what's happened here is, I've gone even shorter on this side." "But I'll just level it up." "OK." "Just to fill you in, basically, I've done the same thing again." "Yeah, I think I should just abandon hair at this point." "No president's ever been impeached." "Do you know that?" "." "Apart from Muttock." "But... he wasn't impeached, he just went straight to prison for killing someone in a road accident." "I don't know how I ended here, Vod." "Maybe ldi Amin started by setting up a boutique literary award and then a few things go sideways and, boom, you're the tyrant queen that killed Night-Line." "Is that gonna be my legacy?" "." "Oregon, this isn't over." "Look, you walk in there and you let your... natural charm speak for itself." "What natural charm?" "." "You know." "Don't pretend you don't know." "I know you know." "You so know." "I guess I could try and switch it on." "Come on." "Let's even this up." "OK." "OK, what's happened here is..." "All I'm saying is it's good that Vod is helping you with the party." "This way, you can focus on your study." "Well, that certainly seems to be a very safe way of looking at things, Rosa." "Very safe." "Very neutral." "You need to focus on your finals." "The daily reminder of my finals," " regular as the 9.30 from Zurich." " There you go." "Move out the way, Mum... mmmmmmm... mmmmmmm... mmmmm...amma mia, this looks amazing!" "I fucking love chicken nuggets!" "Thanks, sweetheart." "Thanks, darling." "Thanks, love." "Chicken fucking nuggets!" "Fucking result!" "I am gonna fucking smash these chicken fucking nuggets." "Yeah, I might eat this in my room." "So, I have tried and failed to master the dark art of street magic." "And now, boys and girls, for my nex trick," "I will make my career prospects disappear!" "Abra - and indeed - cadabra." " Is that a trick, Howard?" "." " No." "It's just the actions of a man who no longer requires a watch, be it for appointment or interview." " Sorry, brah." " I'm gonna have to call John at Ordnance Survey and request that my application be officially withdrawn." "The theme of the Grad Ball!" "The theme is... carnage." "Like...?" "." "You know, chainsaw artists, wheel of death, a woman in iron pants making sparks with an angle grinder." "That sounds horrific." "Kingo!" "I'll focus on the bigger picture, you sort out the details." "What, you're Florence, I'm just the fucking Machine?" "." ""Try to ignore the whirring sound, that's just the machine" ""doing all the fucking work while Florence fucks about in a floaty dress."" "Well, that's the deal." " Unless you wanna sort it on your own." " All right." "Fine, fine." "All right, compromise." "Cheese And Carnage." "Well, we might as well start, it looks like this is all we're getting." "Our motion is clear." "Oregon, throughout your tenure, we believe you've shown a lack of leadership, a lack of judgment, a lack of character, actually, you have a weak character, Oregon." "And I think I speak on behalf of a majority of the student body when I say, with regret, we have no confidence in you." "(APPLAUSE)" "Firstly, I would like to thank everybody for coming out tonight and missing the crucial Moldova qualifier." "It gives me the perfect opportunity to announce that we, I, have finally balanced the budget." "We, I, have had a lot of tough decisions to make and we, I, have always had the best interests of the student body at heart..." "What about the turbot?" ".!" "We know about the receipts." " (MURMURS OF AGREEMENT)" " What receipts?" "." "Er, OK." "If I could deal specifically with the turbot..." "Let's get straight into this, shall we?" "." "Votes against impeachment?" "." " (whispers) Is that us?" "." " Yeah." "Oi, Dynamo, levitate yourself out of that fucking seat right now." "OK." "Votes for impeachment." "Wait!" "Er, if I could, before they sit down again..." "Everybody, I have something I need to tell you." "Oh, God... (MURMURlNG)" "# Let them bring on all their problems" "# I'll do better than my best" "# I have confidence you'll put me to the test" "# But I'll make you see I have confidence in me... #" "Come on, everybody!" "Join in!" " You're on your own, mate." " #..." "I have confidence in sunshine" "# I have confidence in rain" "# I have confidence that spring will come again" "# So I'll make you see I have con...fi...dence in me!" "#" " (FEEDBACK WHlNES) - (OREGON CHUCKLES NONCHALANTLY)" "(CROWD STAYS silent)" "(CROWD begins TO MURMUR)" "# The higher you build your barriers... #" "I thought we were gonna have to helicopter her out of the Quad like Ceausescu." "It was when she started singing Man In The Mirror that I knew she was in trouble." "I found these under the mat." "Oh." "Oh, you are joking me?" ".!" "I'm just drowning in red ink." "Um..." "I'm just off the phone to John at Ordnance Survey and I came clean about my CV." "I told him it was just a... sexed-up dossier of mistruths printed on a tissue of lies and... he said he admired my honesty." "And so if I get a first, the job's mine." "Holy shit, bro, wax up the Oyster card and buy some pepper spray, you're moving to London!" "(OMlNOUS BAGPlPE DRONE)" "Mole?" "." "Yeah, um...you've got a deal." "Yeah, you can do security." "Yeah, a-and drugs." "Yeah, he'd be cool with that." "Yeah..." "It was me, by the way." "I gave The Blasteryour number and told them you were good at cartoons." "Oh, thanks." "I've been thinking about our little trade agreement." "Maybe I could impose a sort of... import ban?" "." "You know, not import from any non-Josie territories, withdraw from the EU." "JP, I think that maybe we shouldn't." "We need to stop." "It's over." "Yeah, good." "No, I mean, cos that was my other idea, so..." "Oh, and, er, The Blaster said sorry but, um, this is all they could give you." "(# PATTl smith:" "Free Money)" "#..." "Find a ticket, win a lottery... #" "(sighs)" "Tomothy, it's me." "I'll do it." "I'll take the job." "Just please, please, please, turn the pipe back on." "#..." "Things you need" "# Every night before I rest my head" "# See those dollar bills go swirling round my bed" "# I know they're stolen" "# But I don 't feel bad" "# I take that money" "# Buy you things you never had" "# Free money, free... #"