"Will, psst" "What does this word mean?" "Marmaduke" "It's not a word it's a cartoon dog" "Okay..." "Use it in a sentence" "Marmaduke, you're an idiot" "Well, I've been using it wrong" "Karen, what's wrong?" "You've hardly touched your muffin" "Oh, honey, c'mon" "Since Stan and I split" "I've done nothing but touch my muffin" "Ugh, now I don't even want it" "I don't know what it is" "Everywhere I go, I see Stan" "In the thick ankles of a bakery clerk" "In the sagging breasts of a bus driver" "Even in the eyes of a fat baby" "Wow, Karen..." "He was a really fat man, wasn't he?" "He sure was, Jackie" "Well, Karen, maybe our little girls' night tomorrow will help you take your mind off it" " You're gonna have a girls'" " No" "Wait, are you sure that's tomorrow night?" "Lemme check my book" "I've got a cute little doodle of me hanging from a rafter" "Yeah, that's it" "Girls' night" "It's my last chance to hang with my girlfriends before Leo gets back on Saturday" "'Cause once he's home" "I ain't talkin' to you bitches" "Well..." "You know what, Joan?" "That sounds swell count me in" "Hey, I'll even bring some of my old 45s" "Ooh, and maybe my new .38" "Okay" "Oh, oh." "Will" "I forgot my wallet" "Can you get this?" "I'll get the next five" "Yeah." "Then we'll be all caught up" "C'mon, Jack, we should probably go too I'll walk you" "That's okay I went before I left" "Well, that's good 'cause I left the plastic bag at home" "Your job!" "You have a job" "It's time to go to work" "Again?" "I just worked, like last Tuesday" "Jack, you charge your acting students money" "You have an obligation to show up and make them regret that" "That's true" "You know, when you see people in the movies with jobs, it just seems so fabulous" "But in real life you're not properly lit and there's no soundtrack" "Ah-da-da-da-da I get this one" "You realize that's my wallet" "Yeah, I got it" "Okay, people, who left their dog tied up with no food, no water, and a Willie Nelson bandana?" "Well, like, whoever you are you don't deserve a dog" "That's why I let him go" "The things you've gotta do to get a seat in this dump" "Oh, my god, do you know who that is?" "That's my old babysitter" " Sissy?" "!" " What-y?" "It's me Jack McFarland" " No way" " Way!" " For real?" " Real!" "Get out of town!" " Town!" " Ah!" "Well, I think I can leave you two to your Mensa meeting" "The last time I saw you you were nine years old and you made us watch Auntie Mame over and over again" "You did come out, didn't you?" "Uh, like the next week" "So, um, like, you always seemed like one of those people who had the brains and the looks to do anything they put their mind to" "What, what amazing things have you been doing?" "Still babysitting" "But now I have my braces off" "Wow" "That is so Marmaduke" "Anyway after highschool I realized" "I had babysat for everyone in the neighborhood" "And it was like, you know "Enough!" "I need a change."" "So, I got a Eurail pass and I babysat my way through Europe" "Wow, Sissy, you've lived a glamorous life" " Knock on wood" " Yeah" "Mm, these are delicious What are they?" "They are Mint Milanos" "Still with the expensive taste, I see" "So, do you have a boyfriend?" "What about that guy from the couch?" "Do you still see him?" " You mean Randall?" " Yeah" "Yeah, we had an on again off again thing for years" "You know, it was on and then it was off and then he got married and it was on again" " More tea?" " Please" "God, look at you You are so grown up" "Did you ever dream that one day you would be sitting in your own apartment, drinking tea?" "You know what, Sissy?" "I did" "But not with you and not with tea and definitely not in my own apartment" "Oh, you know what?" "I better scooteroo" "I'm between jobs" "And I really should use my downtime" "I'm way behind on my friendship bracelets" "Wait, Sissy" "Do you have to go?" "Well, I thought you said that you were teaching a class tonight" "Yeah, but I don't wanna" "Work's no fun" "I wanna stay here and lay with you, like we used to" "I remember that sour puss" "I also remember the only thing that could turn that frown upside down" "A visit from Mr. Tickle-Wickle" "Uh-uh, uh-uh!" "Now that's fun, okay?" "Jack?" "Where's Jack?" "Mm, that's funny" "He was here a minute ago" "I'm pretty sure he's not under that pile of cushions that wasn't here before" "Hmm, I think I'm just gonna lay down and relax on this soft pile of cushions that wasn't here before" "No!" "No!" " Sissy, I was under there" " What?" "!" "Yeah." "C'mon do it again" "Sorry, mister I really gotta go" "Besides, it is way past your bedtime" "Well, can you come back again tomorrow?" "No, Sis has gotta find her next job" "Wait a minute" "What if this was your next job?" "What if you were my babysitter again?" " I don't know, Jack" " I could pay you!" "Okay" "I am so excited you guys are finally meeting" "Julie, this is Ellen" "She lives in New Jersey We went to college together" "Back then, I slept with her husband we worked through it" "Ellen, this is Julie" "She's a masseuse she lives next door" "She touched me inappropriately once we worked through it" " I'll get drinks" " All right" "So, Julie, are you married?" "Yeah" "He's an actor" "Huh, well, "actor."" "He did four student films last year and played Aladdin at the mall" "What's yours do?" "Cleans his ears with his car keys" "And he's an accountant" "Yeah, I led with the interesting one" "I'm glad you guys are getting along" "I was a little worried, 'cause you both have such weird personalities" "Good weird" "You kidding me?" "She's great" "I like woman who's not afraid to talk like a bowery boy and look like a mushroom" "Here's to ya" "Thanks" "And I like a woman who's not afraid to have a glass of wine when she's pregnant" "I already had the baby" "This is just fat" "Heh." "But, um thank you" "Okay, bitches let's get this lady love-in started" "Who's up first?" "Ooh, a preggie" "Never done that before" "And, yum" "A hottie grows in Brooklyn" "Karen, it's not that kind of girls' night" "She's harmless, really" "But just for fun lock the door when you got to the bathroom" "Oh, relax, Grace" "I know how to do this" "I've been in a sweat lodge with Candi Bergen and Penny Marshall" "Well, not a sweat lodge so much as Penny's Aerostar" "So what are we drinkin' about?" "Oh, the usual" "Rob's boring, and it's his fault I'm fat" "At least he works" "The only thing my husband did last year is add "Southern accent" to his resume" "Oh, you wanna play this game?" "My half-ton husband spent 13 months in prison met some hussy in the cafeteria" "Now they're shacked up at my mansion sharing the bed we used to make rabid love in" "If you're playing "whose husband is worse" with Karen don't play for money" "She's still collecting from Linda Hussein" "C'mon, Grace" "Tell us" "What bugs you about Leo?" "Nothing, he's perfect" "Pbblt!" "C'mon give us somethin'!" "Likes to wear your lipstick to bed cries in the shower likes to kiss..." "I'm sorry It's great" "Married four months and still no problems" "Unless you consider constant lovin' a problem" " Ugh" " Oh, this is gross" "Get her!" "Whoo!" "That's Leo" "This is the time he calls to say he loves me" "My husband calls the same time every day too" "Maybe one of these days I'll pick up" "I'm sorry I'm late" "Did I miss girls' night?" "Honey, you missed "girls' night" by about a hundred years" "Shut your hole you drunken doughnut" "Oh, my mood stabilizer party mix" "Uppers, downers and candy corn" "And don't tell my doctor he's trying to get me off sugar" "Everything okay, Grace?" "Um, no" "That was Leo" "Uh, he's not coming back for another five weeks" "Why?" "What happened?" "Um, I don't know" "Uh, one of the doctors there ate some bad pork or was eaten by a wild pig..." "Um, all I know is that he" "He volunteered to stay longer" "Here, honey have some party mix" "You'll feel better" "Or worse" "That's what I love about party mix, you never know" "C'mon, Jack!" "The movie starts in half an hour I don't wanna miss the previews" "Then I'll never know what books have been made into movies that are now available on video" "We're gonna need to use our indoor voice" "I just put Jack down for his nap and I don't need you out here yelling like the wild man from Borneo" "Yeah..." "We're, like, 40" "So, do you think you could stop talking to me like I'm a cub scout?" "Look, Jack was a little overactive today" "He ate two bowls of Fruit Loops and twirled himself to tears" "Interesting" "Could you tell the fruit to get his loop out here?" "We're going to the movies" "Oh?" "What movie?" "The new Vin Diesel thing" "I don't think so" "I hear it's violent, with a strong homoerotic subtext" "Uh, dur" "Why do you think we're going?" "Sissy?" "!" "My blanky fell off the bed!" "I gotta go." "Bye" "So, it's another month" "I mean, if anything it's good news" "'Cause now, I have another few weeks to do these dishes in the sink" "I think there's peanut butter in the bottom of this glass" "So what'd you tell him, Grace?" "I told him it was fine" "What else was I gonna say?" "He's a million miles away" " You did the right thing" " I did, right?" "Yes" "You know, since we had our second baby" "I've been wanting to take a fork and just stab Rob in the balls with it" "But I'm not about to bother Rob with that at the office" "Julie, do you think I did the right thing?" "Yeah" "You never tell guys what you're feeling" "Let them figure it out on their own that you hate them" "Thanks" "Rosario?" "Yeah, dress slutty shut up" "That's my motto" "Great." "Okay" "Thank you Guess that settles that" "So, girls' night" "Anyone with a uterus drinks free!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa" "Hold on there, red" "Don't you wanna hear what I have to say about this?" "Well, Karen...." "Yes?" "Come on" "What?" "Well, you're..." "you" "And?" "And..." "Come on" " I see" " Karen" "No, no, no That's all right" "Honey, I understand" "You think that just because my marriage failed that I have nothing to offer" "You have things to offer" "You would be the first person I'd call, if I wanted... to hurt an orphan's feelings" "Well, I know more about marriage than any of these girls ever will" "And if you wanted my opinion" "I would tell you to grow a set pick up the phone and call that no-good do-good husband of yours and tell him how you feel" "That you're sitting here, home alone, pissed off while he's out there giving free boob jobs to hyenas!" "But you don't care what I think so I'm outta here!" "And I'm taking this with me" "I'm certainly not leaving $3,000 worth of snacks where I'm not appreciated" "Yes, the files just arrived" "But, Mr. Stein, there is no way I can get all this done by Monday" "I do too have a life" "I" " In fact, I've got plans with my friend Jack tonight" "But he's napping at the moment, so" "Hello?" "Hey" "I thought we were going to the movies" "I was looking forward to going to see Vin Diesel" "I heard he's got a new facial expression" "I came to get you" "But that crazy lady with the rockin' body sent me away" "Jack, what are you doing with her?" "She is in my employ" "I am a very busy man and I need a staff" "What exactly is her position?" "She's my, uh..." "She helps me with my, um..." "You know, she sometimes she sometimes" " She's your babysitter, isn't she?" " Yes!" "She's my babysitter" "So what if she is?" "There's nothing wrong with that" "What does she do?" "Feed you, change you pat you on the back to burp you?" "Only when Mr. Gas Bubble's shy" "Oh, my god, I was joking!" "This is the creepiest thing I've ever heard" "Well, that's what babysitters do" "For babies!" "What are you implying, Will?" "That there's something odd about my relationship with Sissy?" "Uh...dur" "You're an adult, Jack" "Well, I don't wanna be an adult anymore!" "It's very hard!" "Sissy" "Sissy takes care of me" "She makes me feel good" "She cuts the crusts off my sammiches" "Jack, you're a grown man" "A grown man does not need a babysitter" "How dare you call me a grown man!" "What is she doing just walking out?" "Gettin' all mad at me" "What does she expect?" "I should ask her for advice?" "I mean, the woman once had a spirited debate about the death penalty with a can of cashews" "And somehow they swayed her" "Here, you go ahead Yeah" "I filled up on the cucumber sliver" "Okay, fine, look" "Karen is my friend" "And I love her" "But I mean let's face it" "There are certain things that you just don't go to Karen for" "Like, let's say... any situation that you might encounter on Earth" " Right?" " Right" " Right" " Well..." "What?" "One time I dropped a Kit-Kat on the ground" "And when I bent over to pick it up" "Miss Karen gave me a swift kick in the tuchus" "But she was right I didn't need it" "Well, Karen helped me once too" "Rob and I were fighting" "And she gave me the number of a guy to whack him over the head with a pipe" "I didn't call him" "But I keep the number in my purse and that makes me smile" "I hardly know her" "But I was really bumming before she gave me this blue pill" "Lemme tell ya I'm flying now" "This party rocks" "I'm sorry, was my attempt to draft a 1 billion-dollar corporate merger keeping "wittle Jackie" awake?" "You know, you shouldn't make that face" "It might freeze that way" "Look, William" "I don't want to be the cause of any tension between you and Jack" "Do you think maybe I could come in and we could talk about it?" "I'm incredibly busy I don't see how that's possible" " I make killer s'mores" " I'll preheat the oven" "No, Leo, I'm not asking you to come home" "I just want you to understand that I'm upset" "That these, these decisions affect me too and I want us to make them together" "All right?" "Good" "I love me too" "Bye, baby" "Nice" "Hey, you came back" "Well..." "I got all the way home and realized..." "I forgot my maid" "I usually keep an extra under the mat, but..." "You were right" "It was better to tell him" "Well, I'm glad" "Honey, why didn't you ask me for my advice in the first place?" "I don't know" "Partly because, well... you talk to cashews" "And I guess... because I was afraid that you might tell me what I already knew" "I mean, of course I should be honest" "It's just that our marriage is so new" "I don't know how much conflict it can take, you know?" "I mean, we've spent more time apart than we have together" "So how'd it go?" "Well, I could tell Leo felt bad" "That felt good" "You should let me help you more, honey" "I know a few things and I care about you" "Hmm?" "Now let's get back in there" "C'mon, we got a room full of lovely ladies" "Let's put on some music and get those tops off" "You do know that it's not that kind of girls' night?" "We'll see" "God, I love s'mores" "Why don't you marry 'em?" "Don't make me laugh" "No time to laugh" "Look at all this law stuff" "No way I'm ever gonna get finished" "Well, you know, that's one way of looking at it" "But there is another way" "Inch by inch foot by foot it won't take long with the homework song" "Huh?" "You do one task that's all we ask you do one more and you get another s'more" "Well, when you say it like that it does seem totally doable" "Now, c'mon" " You try" " Oh, I don't know" "Come on" "Case by case tort by tort sign and stamp" "Hey, I finished one report" "Foot by foot mile by mile perhaps I should try the McKendrick file" "Well, well, well" "So grown men don't need babysitters, huh?" "She's not my babysitter" "She's just singing me a little song to help me with my casework" "We learned that in law school" "Oh, would you just admit it?" "It feels good to be taken care of" "Nice work, Sissy" "Hey, it was your plan smarty-pants" "Wait" " You two set me up?" "Mm-hmm" "And it was easy" "You're a whore for a s'more" "Hey, there is no comparison between what happened here and the sick relationship you two have" "And blow..." "Thank you" "The difference is I don't need it" " What are you saying?" " I believe you heard me" " What's your point?" " I think you got it" " What are you implying?" " What I said outright" "You're a Sissy-holic" "All right, all right" "So what if, what if I am hooked on my babysitter?" "It's a hard-candy world out there and sometimes this fella needs a little break" " Yeah" " Yeah" "So if I have to pay someone $4 or $5 an hour to help me get through it then it's worth it" " Actually, Jack, I make $40 an hour" " Good-bye, Sissy" " I don't need you anymore" " What are you saying?" " I believe you heard me" " What's your point?" " I think you got it" " What are you implying?" " Will, what am I implying?" " Out, get out!" "What, do I have to spell it in macaroni and spray paint it gold?" "Sis..." "I think he's right" "I think I maybe need to outgrow you" "Damn it" "Why does everyone outgrow me?" "I mean..." "I know being a babysitter is all flashy and ooh-la-la" "But you don't know the heartbreak behind it" "The kids grow up and I never see 'em again" "You know, but then I ran into you" "And I thought maybe there are some things that don't change" "Well, Sissy, we can still hang out and be friends and spend time together" "I mean, you don't have to charge me" "Yeah, I do" "I need the money" "I'm into Casual Corner for, like, 12 grand" "I understand" "It's been fun and..." "I guess it had to end sometime" "I'd like to propose a little toast-ess to the hostess" "Here's to our little girl" "You're kind" "You buy clothes from stores that otherwise would never be able to sell them" "But you know what I think speaks gallons about you?" "The quality of the women you attract" "Honey, look around you Look around." "Huh?" "Perky little pregnant Ellen" "Juicy Julie with her jolly jugs" "My maid" "And me, your best gal pal and ultimate fantasy lay" "And we're all here because of you, honey" "Grace Adler" "Oh, god" "You know my name"