"J. D:" "The second we got to the Abacos for the Janitor's wedding," "Dr. Kelso, well..." "He set up shop at the bar." "(CALYPS O S ON G PLA YIN G)" "That's the best Bahama Mama I've ever had." "I'll be the judge of that." "Hi, Bob Kelso." "Excuse me." "Mercy." "If you would be so kind as to store this for me, we can get this party started." "One Bahama Mama, please." "You can have this back when mine comes." "J. D:" "Things weren't going that well for the rest of us." "Jordan wasn't happy with Dr. Cox for pretending he had work to do." "Elliot was mad at me for never saying "I love you" in a romantic enough way." "And Carla was so busy being a mom... (SINGING) Hush, little baby, don't say a word" "Momma's gonna buy you a mockingbird" "J. D:" "She left Turk alone at sea." "Hey." "What's up?" "TURK:" "Ma'am?" "Lady?" "(EX CLAIMS) What's up, Blaquaman?" "I think I just saw a mermaid." "Maybe you just spooked it." "Oh, cute." "Look, an eel." " I'm naked." " All right, that's you." "I was supposed to meet Carla out here for a little surf n' Turk." "Took off my swim trunks, those bad boys just floated away." "(VOCALIZING)" "Elliot's mad at me because I didn't say "I love you" right." "(VOCALIZING)" "You know what?" "That eel's looking at me funny." "I'm gonna switch over here." "Yeah, he's got a mind of his own." "Plus, I needed to say how much I loved her and I needed to be looking right into her eyes." "Well, what's the difference?" "Look at me and say it." "I love you." "Well, that's about right." "And you're naked." "Perfect." "Either one of you two idiots seen my computer?" "Maybe the mermaid took it." "He's not great in the heat." "I did see a mermaid." "J. D:" "Plus, the Janitor wanted to kill me for forcing him to have a wedding ceremony." "If I'm gonna have a ceremony." "I just need a little help." "Go sunscreen up again and call an emergency meeting of the Brain Trust." "Island style." "Where's Todd?" "Last time I saw him, he was stuffing seaweed into his bathing suit." "Sure." "Where's Doug?" "Oh, no." "I forgot to give him his invite." "He's getting married and he didn't invite any of us?" "Oh, come on!" "And why are you carrying around your invitations?" "Just stupid." "You look stupid." "Book Doug into the next Dealing with Rejection seminar in my garage." " Eighty bucks." " Eighty bucks?" "Can I take that class?" "No room for you, Ted." "Oh, man." "See, that's not dealing with rejection." "I could work wonders with you, my friend." "(WHOOPS)" "One hundred bucks." "Hundred bucks?" "Sweet." "MAN: (SIN GIN G) I can't do this all on my own" "No, I know" "I'm no Superman" "I'm no Superman" "Salad tastes like sunscreen." "That's because you put sunscreen on it." "Oh, man." "I put ranch on my face." "All right, welcome to the second international meeting of the Brain Trust." "I'll begin this as I began the meeting six years ago in Guatemala." "I'm getting married tomorrow, and I need help." "Ted, you're in charge of location and music." "Todd, you are in charge of locating a justice of the peace and finding a sea turtle to serve as a ring-bearer." "Any questions?" "Yeah." "Who's this dude?" "JANITOR:" "That is Ira." "As per our bylaws, the Brain Trust must always have a fourth." "Plus, he can speak to dolphins." "Or so he says." "Drink." "Drink." " Ah." "The man's a born leader." " Drink." " You know what?" "Let's, uh..." " Drink, damn it." "J. D:" "Time to smooth things over with Elliot." "Seagull!" "Hey, baby." "Check out this awesome place Turk and I found this morning." "It's called Tahiti Beach, and it's out, like, right in the middle of the ocean." "We got a kid to videotape us, but it was good you weren't there, because he had red hair." "I know how that nauseates you." "That's us doing some muscle poses." "Look how firm Turk looks." "Anyway, that's when we realized the kid was trying to steal the camera." "Hey." "Dude." "Yo!" "My wife gave me that camera!" "His mistake was running backwards with the camera on us." "Are you out of your mind?" "J. D:" "Unfortunately, the smoothing over didn't work." "So we're not gonna talk about yesterday?" "J. D:" "For anyone." "So we're not gonna talk about yesterday?" "So we're not gonna talk about yesterday?" "There's nothing really to talk about, sweetie." "You were a little crazy before, now it's over." "What is so crazy about wanting to hear "I love you"" "in a meaningful and romantic way?" "Oh, good, it's not over." "So you just wasted a whole vacation day pretending to work just to mess with me?" "I recall you saying that you were happy I couldn't spend time with you." "Oh, you knew I wasn't serious." "That's how we interact." "That's our thing." "Then you know what?" "I'm sick of pretending that we don't like each other." "It is distinctly not fun anymore." "And would you like to know why?" "Because A, we are over 12 and B, we actually do like each other." "In fact, brace yourself, we love each other." "(GASPS)" "I can't believe you left me out there yesterday." "I was in the ocean for so long I got jellyfish stings on my dingaling." "I had to make sure Izzy fell asleep." "Why do you have to be a mommy all the time?" "Hey, I still make sure you get sex at least once a week." "Yeah, but you always start with, "This has to be a quickie."" "Why do you always say that?" "Huh?" "Baby, we both know my longies aren't that long." "I got to be honest with you, sometimes it makes me feel like you don't love me." "On behalf of all women," "I just want to thank you for equating getting sex with love." "We think it's awesome when you do that." "You're welcome." "Yeah." "No, I know he's upset, but just put him on the phone?" "Okay, Carol?" "Hey, buddy." "I guess you're pretty bummed about the wedding mix-up, huh?" "No, man." "I got a lot going on here." "So, what's it like there?" "Is it awesome?" "Uh, it's pretty awesome." "Yeah, I thought it would be." "But you know what, pal?" "I am gonna stay on this phone with you until I'm..." "I gotta go." "Carol?" "Close me up." "So I found you a justice of the peace." "Say hello to Van." " Van?" " Van." "Stretch it out." " Van." " Van." "I drive one of you." "(LAUGHS)" "You were right not to laugh, that was stupid." "Thanks." "Where'd you find this idiot?" "Van got me through med school." "He's the dude we used to practice all the rectal exams on." "Did a couple of them right here in this very bar." "Right there." "With you." "I find that both fascinating and disgusting." "You already know I love you." "I shouldn't have to make some crazy gesture." "I'm not a big fan of those." "You just went online for three hours and spent a fortune getting a tiki for Turk." "Elliot, I don't really think $436 for an actual faux-marble imitation tiki is a fortune." " Was that total or each?" " That's irrelevant." "(GROANS)" "Besides, weren't you the one who said we were past all this dumb relationship drama?" "And I meant it." "Then." "But you don't now?" "I'm a girl." "That's how it works." "(EX CLAIMS)" "And guess what?" "All relationships have drama, okay?" "Okay, when a woman says there doesn't have to be any drama, it's just because she's so excited that there's no drama at that particular moment that she can't wait to share that warm, fuzzy feeling with you" "before there's any new drama." "I want you to be comforted by the fact that that doesn't sound ridiculous at all." "(SIGHS) We are at a wedding." "Why can you not get to a romantic place?" "Elliot, it's not a real wedding." "It's a crazy cleaning person's scam for presents." "Oh, then, by all means, continue being an ass." "And do you want to know why I'm a mommy all the time?" "Please." "It's because I am a mommy." "All the time." "I have a baby at home, I have one in here, and I have another one who expects me to work, raise his kids, buy his clothes, make his food, run his life, and still have all the energy in the world left" "to sex him up every night, even though his longies are actually pretty damn long." "I know, right?" "(CLICKING TONGUE)" "You obviously know how I feel about you." "Why are you trying to change me?" "This?" "That works for us." "Remember when my dog died and you told me he went to doggy hell?" "And then you said my mom was gonna go to doggy hell, too, when she died?" "Because of her dog face." "Right." "I wanted to do you right there in the vet's office." "Why are you trying to change our dynamic?" "I don't want to." "Suit yourself." "Just leave me alone." "Just leave me alone." "Just leave me alone." "Fine." "I'll see you at the wedding." "Smile for the camera, honey." "Hmm." "Excuse me." "Payback time." "Let's go." " But I..." "Really?" " Let's go." "Bye, boys." "You're okay with this?" "(LAUGHS) I've got to let my man be my man." "(VOCALIZING)" "Stop it." "Oh, babe, don't be late for the wedding." "JANITOR:" "Shut up." "(LAUGHS) You shut up." "J. D:" "The Janitor's wedding day seemed like any other." "(GASPS)" " Morning, Bob." " Well, good morning, Gary." "One Bahama Mama, please." "And, if you could, the electric razor from my bag." "Thanks again." "(BLOWS)" "For God's sake, Ted, get some sun." "I've not sun-screened up yet." "Live a little." "(EX CLAIMING)" "It's warmer than I thought." "(GROANING)" "Damn you, Mother Earth!" "Damn you!" "(SCREAMING)" "Why?" "JANITOR:" "Here's the incredibly breathtaking view of Hope Town, and, what do you know?" "It's J.D. What's he doing here?" "Well, he made me change my wedding plans, and, as punishment, he's gonna spend 10 minutes on top of this lighthouse." "That's all I gotta do?" "That's it, my friend." "Then how come I got these fish taped to my hands?" "(BIRDS SQUAWKING)" "(SCREAMING) Sea birds!" "No!" "No!" "Psych!" "None for you, preggers." "Damn it." " Do I look like Audrey Hepburn?" " Mmm." " Yes, of course." " Yep." "Crap." "He hates Audrey Hepburn." "Oh, no, no, no." "You look beautiful." "Let me fix your hair." "Okay." "Thanks, guys." "(LAUGHS) I just want to look great for my honey bunny." "Oh, that's my nickname for him." "He also loves it, 'cause it's his favorite sandwich." "BOTH:" "Ah!" "(SIGHS) I feel like I've finally found the perfect man, you know?" "Oh, please, there's no such thing." "Look at Perry, he pretends he's cold and emotionless, but underneath, he's a sweet guy who wants to talk about our relationship all the time." "Face it, men are just gassy, selfish, sex-crazed egomaniacs who were put on this Earth to make your life miserable, that's it." "I'm getting married in, like, 10 minutes." "Oh, you'll live." "Lady, are these some roots I'm seeing?" "Is this your natural color?" "No, I'm actually a redhead." "Well." "I'm just gonna go grab a sip of my drink." " Okay." " I touched it!" "It's all over me!" "(GASPS)" " Go take a shower." " Thank you." "(MUSIC PLA YIN G)" "Nice hat." "Does it come in a human size?" "Shut up." "A hungry seabird pooed on my shirt." "Go get a new one from the gift shop." "You're gonna miss it." "You think they sell this shirt?" "Oh, you're an idiot." "TURK:" "Hey." "Hey." " What?" " It's the mermaid." "Then why doesn't she have a tail?" "Because she's on land." "(RASPING)" "Oh, my God." "This is the father of my child." "Come on, come on, come on." "We're waiting, we're waiting." "Come on." "All right, I am not a strong public speaker, nor am I that familiar with the Bible." "So we will do what we can." "Now, if you're excited for a wedding today, let me hear you say, "Whoo!"" "Just like that." "It's fun if you throw your shoulders back." "Whoo!" "Try throwing your shoulders back." " We're not gonna do that." " Okay, he doesn't want to do that." "Here we go." "These guys are getting married today." "And, as a special treat, they thought it would be nice if you all stood and they were to sit." "So." "Shall we?" "(GROANS)" "All right, then." "It is now time to join these two as only the Creator can." " Where's Bob?" " He's right over there." "Of course." "Hey." "No." " It's hot!" " Too bad." "Marriage is a dead institution." "Uh, it hasn't worked for me." "It hasn't worked for anybody in my family." "But there are certain signposts that you can follow." "You know, to try and make the best of it." "Try not to yell at each other." "It's always a great idea." "Don't share any money." "Always sound, sound advice." "Never strike each other above the shoulders." "From here down." "From here down for hitting." "J. D:" "Even though it was a wedding, none of us were caught up in the romance of the moment." "In fact, before we knew it..." "Don't share cars." "You're gonna find that it always has the other person's stink on it and you can't get that stuff off your shirt, you're gonna live with it for the rest of your life." "You don't want it when you're driving to work." "You know?" "J. D:" "Before we knew it, we were already here." "Okay, do you, Ladinia Williams, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" "I do." "(EXHALES)" "J. D:" "Oh, my God." "We were gonna find out the Janitor's name." "And do you... (LAUGHING)" "What?" "It's 4:37." "High-tide five." "J. D:" "Damn it!" "It's all right, we'll just start again." "No biggie." "And, do you... (SCREAMING)" "Ow!" "That was off the burn." "(J.D. VOCALIZIN G)" "You know what we'll do?" "We'll just say this." "Do you take this lady to be your lawfully wedded Lady?" "(LAUGHS)" "I mean, of course you do." "Look at her." "She's like a little ladybug." "I'll just touch you right there for a second." " You're done." "Out." " Okay." "Terrible job." "Good luck." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "I just want to say something before we kiss." "Okay?" "And thanks for coming, even though I didn't want you here." "Uh." "I know that I'm weird." "But, you know, you'd be weird, too, if your mother aged backwards like mine did." "So the thing is that I always kind of figured that I would end up alone." " And then you came along." " Mmm-hmm." "And you don't just accept my quirks and my crazy stories and my lies about my mom, you actually appreciate me for them." "And I don't think I'll ever stop appreciating you for that." "But I know that I'll never stop loving you for it." "I love you, too." "J. D:" "And right then, we all realized the value of the romantic gesture." "From one person who loves someone to another." "(SINGING) My baby don't mess around because she loves me so at least I know for sure" "But does she really want to but can't stand to see me walk out the door" "You can't stand to fight the feeling 'cause the thought alone is killing me right now" "Thank God for mom and dad for sticking two together 'cause we don't know how" "Hey ya" "Hey ya" "Hey ya" "Hey ya" "You think you got it no you think you got it" "I remember you." "Got it, just don't get it till there's nothing at all" "Want to get in the water?" "For shizzle." "We get together, oh we get together but separate's always better when feeling's involved" "If what they say that nothing is forever" "Hey." "What time does that wedding start?" "Classic stuff, Bob." "Hey." "Everything I do is more fun if you're doing it with me." "Was that so hard?" " Yes." " Oh, really?" "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" " No!" "Perry!" "Don't." " Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah." " (SCREAMING) Don't..." " Oh, yeah!" "(LAUGHS)" "Oh!" "I love you." "I love you." "Bahama Mama." "Big mama." "Oh, it's cooler than being cool" "ELLIOT:" "God, it's so beautiful here." "Look, Elliot, I don't know if it's possible for me to put how I feel about you into words." "But I guess I'll give it a shot." "I never really believed I would find somebody that I love as much as you." "I love you more than anything in the whole world." "Elliot," "I love you more than Turk." " Oh, my God." " Yeah, I know." "That's even hard for me to say, but it's true." "(LAUGHS)" "I had to wrestle him to the ground to get this, but it's more important for you to have it." "Look at me." "You're my dream girl." "It's getting a little chilly." "(BOTH VOCALIZING)" "(LAUGHING)" "Hey, Bob." "You been sitting here for three days now." "Why don't you get up and go see this beautiful island, man?" "You're right." "I'll have a Bahama Mama, please." "Yeah, this is a beautiful place."