"Good morning." "Watch your back." "All right." "I see it." "Ma'am." "This for the living room?" "Yeah." "This is one of the nicest houses we've ever moved anyone like you into." "It's got gas heat, air conditioned, harvest gold fixtures in the kitchen." "If you like that kind of thing." "Some of the ladies do." "Hey, Linda, what do you think?" "I always promised you a nice house somewhere in America." "Let's not get carried away, OK, Vinnie?" "It's gonna be a lot easier if you start calling each other Terry and Todd ." "It's a nice house, Terry. okay?" "No, you're Terry and he's Todd ." "Wait for me!" "Let's take a look inside." "Come on." "Thanks." "I'll need your social security number" "So I can process your payment." "My what?" "Your social security number so we can pay you." "2." "2." "1." "1." "5." "5-dash." "6." "6." "9." "9-dash." " 8." " 8." " 2." " 2." " 1." " 1." "2, 5." "2..." "That's one too many numbers." "Take off the 5." "If you have any problems at all, call my office in San Diego." "They always know where I am." "Truth is, I'm usually there." "We'll let you know as soon as we know when we're going to New York to testify." "Great." "Great." "Thanks for everything." "You'll like it here." "It's a nice community." "I'd live here myself if my wife didn't..." "Didn't hate it, right?" "No, no, no." "Take my word." "She'd hate it." "She has to be near town because she works with athletes." "If you ever want baseball tickets, give me a call." "Great." "Baseball." "The Padres play the Mets every so often." "Though you folk are probably Yankee fans." "Most organized crime people are." "I love the Yankees." "Linda loves the Yankees." "So does Terry." "Who's Terry?" "You are." "If you have questions, give me a call." "Thanks." "I really appreciate it." "This is my job." "I get paid." "You don't tip FBI men." "Sure, you do." "Yo, Frankie." "Oh." "You think this guy's for--hey!" "There's a 4:00 nonstop out of here." "You really going back to New York?" "You'll find another wife." "I know." "I could've pulled out months ago." "You wouldn't have gotten the big house" "Or the extra allowance for the spouse." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Next time I see you, you'll be eating white bread." "You'll probably even like it." "It's not bad with egg salad." "It's better than the slammer." "Keep telling yourself that, sweetheart." "You might believe it after a while." "And stay out of my purse while I'm on the phone." "I wasn't in your purse." "Yes, you were!" "You're always accusing me." "Put the Visa card back in my purse, Vinnie." "I'd like a cab at" "What the frig is the address here?" "How should I know?" "Number 1 Happy Street." "You know what the guy tried to do?" "No idea." "I haven't met a criminal in years." "He tried to tip me." "Can you believe that?" "How much?" "100 bucks." "100 bucks?" "That's not the point." "The point is the man proffered a gratuity." "It's against protocol." "I can't accept that." "No, I know you can't." "Not to mention it was insulting." "Task completed, Coopersmith?" "Yes, sir." "This isn't going to take a lot of my time." "This guy's living in the middle of nowhere." "Is there anything else I could take on in addition to my regular duties, sir." "Coopersmith," "This is an extremely important government witness." "When you've delivered him to his 2 court appearances, then we'll talk about something else." "Not before." "Very good, sir." "Back to the dangerous world of FHA fraud." "I don't want to fill out any more forms." "I want to go undercover." "I want to stake out some son of a bitch in a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere and eat a lot of takeout food." "I want to wear a windbreaker." "Once, when I was undercover," "I got to drive a BMW." "I know." "I can't help it." "It was the high point of my life." "I'm getting back into undercover work." "Forget it, Kirby." "It's against regulations." "There's overtime involved." "You can't catch criminals in the FBI" "If there's overtime involved." "Something could change." "Things change." "Yeah." "Right." "This is San Diego all sports radio." "We're talking about last night's game." "Another heartbreaking loss by the home team." "The Pads, way ahead, lost in the ninth when Wally Bunting walked in the winning run." "Fans, what are we going to do about Wally unting?" "Barney." "Wally." "Too bad." "Could've happened to anybody, right?" "Yeah." "I guess so." "Relief pitching." "It's a high-risk occupation." "Anybody could blow a 7-run lead." "8." "Whatever." "They're sending me down." "To the minors?" "To Wichita." "I'm sorry, Wally." "I'm gonna miss you." "Margaret will miss you, too." "I'm sure." "I mean, therapists aren't supposed to say that they'll miss their patients, so how do I know?" "Boy, this is the second relief pitcher she's lost to the minors this season." "I'm going too, Barney." "Where?" "To Wichita." "Why on earth would you go to Wichita?" "How old are you?" "26." "Look, I'm sorry, Barney," "But it's just no fun here." "You're no fun." "What do you mean I'm no fun?" "You get the oil changed on the second Tuesday, you get the car washed on the fourth Thursday." "You get your hair cut on the 11th of the month." "You never ever get a different cut." "Look at how you eat pancakes." "What's wrong with the way I eat pancakes?" "How does he eat pancakes?" "He has a system for eating pancakes." "So the bottom pancake gets as much syrup as the top one." "He has a system for everything." "Wally." "An error cost the Padres the game." "The losing streak now stands at 4 in a row." "KBAJ now ends its broadcast day." "The score again" " L.A. 5, San Diego 3." "Thank you very much." "You're welcome." "Have a nice day." "Good morning, sir." "Would you like to try a vanilla bran oat crunchie?" "What do you think?" "Have a nice day." "Fuck you!" "That'll be $12.36." "Wow!" "A hundred." "Excuse me, sir." "I hope you had a very pleasant shopping experience." "Yeah." "Good!" "Here's a form for our suggestion box." "If there's anything you want that we don't have, you just let us know." "Arugula." "I haven't had arugula in 6 weeks." "What's that?" "It's a vegetable." "Car 274 to headquarters." "Car 274 to headquarters." "Male subject apprehended driving stolen green Chrysler." "Hey, Hannah," "Got a grand theft auto just waiting for you." "Let me at him." "And let me know when you're done with him, because I could use him." "He makes the hairs on the back my neck stand up." "The hairs on the back of your neck?" "Yes." "That has never happened to me." "I've never been interested in anyone on any level unless I know... if he's a college graduate." "Yes." "OK, that probably seems quite comical to you." "It's your life." "Suit yourself." "I did... and look where it got me." "Todd Wilkinson, I'm Hannah Stubbs." "I'm the assistant district attorney." "How you two girls doing?" "What robbery?" "I borrowed a guy's car." "He gave you the keys." "Is that correct?" "He was supposed to leave them in the car." "But he didn't." "Right." "If he'd left them," "I wouldn't have had to jump start it." "How do you happen to know how to jump start a car?" "I learned it in the army." "I was in the motor pool, and everyone was always losing their keys." "The entire United States army wouldn't have moved had it not been for me jump starting it." "And it came in handy on several occasions-- jump starting ambulances in order to get invalids to the dialysis machines." "What was the name of, um... what was his name?" "Eddie." "Eddie what?" "That's all I know." "He drives a blue Nova." "You weren't picked up in a blue Nova." "It was a green Chrysler." "Oh." "Well, that explains it." "I jump started the wrong car." "I was in a hurry." "I was on my way to church to say some Novenas for Thanksgiving." "Thanksgiving is not a Catholic holiday." "Thanksgiving is very big with the Italians." "Turkey cacciatore, sweet potato parmigian" "There is no such thing as Thanksgiving in Italy!" "It's an American holiday." "And I've been to Italy" "To Florence, right?" "Yes." "Ever been to Sicily, by any chance?" "No." "Thanksgiving is very big in Sicily on account of the large number of Sicilians who went to America and then got thrown back out." "There were 2 cases of liquor in the back seat of that car." "People drink too much." "Those 2 cases of liquor were reported stolen from Kelly's Liquor on Fifth Street earlier today." "You're kidding me." "I accidentally borrowed the wrong car of a guy who stole some liquor earlier today?" "The car you stole belongs to the Reverend Malcolm Dickenson." "He is the minister of the Presbyterian church here in Fryburg!" "Are you sure he's a minister?" "One of my best friends makes his living as a completely phony minister." "For 2 bucks," "I can make you a minister." "Some guys steal your money, but these guys, they steal your heart." "Now?" "Can you see him?" "What's the license number?" "Ma'am?" "E-N-4" "Oh, uh, down the hall," "One flight up to your left." "Thank you." "E-N-4." "Call me Vinnie." "It says here your name's Todd." "Barney Coopersmith, FBI." "Hannah Stubbs of the district attorney's office." "What's going on, Vinnie?" "You've got a ring of phony ministers stealing liquor." "Make me a minister." "I'll go undercover, infiltrate them." "We'll nail all these" "OK, knock it off." "What have you got?" "Grand theft auto." "Felony theft." "Where's the car we gave you?" "If I knew, I wouldn't have borrowed the other one." "We're arraigning him in the morning." "No, you're not." "We most certainly are." "This man is in the federal witness program." "He's under the protection of the FBI." "What are you doing in my purse?" "Just looking." "Cute kids." "Thank you." "Baseball fans?" "Yes." "That's your husband?" "Not anymore." "Come on, Vinnie." "Let's go." "You're a good-looking girl, except for those army shoes." "No wonder he split." "Come on." "You ought to get a pair of nice high heels." "Spectator pumps, I think they're called." "Where are you going?" "This man is a member of an organized crime family." "They put that stamp on everybody." "It's a stereotype, and I resent it." "He has to testify at 2 major mob trials in New York in the immediate future, so therefore you are not going to arraign him for anything tomorrow." "Now wait just a minute." "This is not a dump site for the toxic waste of criminal America." "That's my last mint." "Spit that out!" "Spit that out and return it to this woman!" "Bring him back here!" "Lady, this man is much more important than a couple of petty larcenies." "That's your opinion." "You don't live here." "But if I did, it would be comforting to know a narrow-minded fanatic is looking out for this community." "Oh, really?" "Oh, really?" "Oh, really?" "You gotta do better than that." "You're going to lose the argument." "Stay out of this." "How long have you been in this job, 2 weeks?" "Go to hell!" "Just go to hell!" "Way to go!" "What if he promises not to do it again?" "Do me a favor." "Tell her you won't do it again." "I didn't do anything in the first place, which is what I was trying to explain." "I am not happy about this!" "Lady, this is justice department policy." "Well, they're wrong." "They're wrong, and I'm right!" "Let me ask you something." "Have you ever been wrong about anything?" "Yes." "Once." "The shoes, right?" "The shoes are tragic." "Creep." "Disgusting, revolting, creep!" "I thought he was cute." "Not that one." "The other one." "Listen carefully, fluffy, 'cause I'm only saying this once." "Tommy and I are going down to grandma's house" "For Thanksgiving with dad." "Do you remember dad?" "Yeah, he used to live here." "We're going to be back on Sunday night, though." "Promise you won't flush him down the toilet?" "I can't promise anything." "Mom!" "I promise." "Come here." "You scared me." "So what's up?" "What are you doing today, mom?" "I'm working," "So it's just as well you're going." "I wouldn't be here anyway." "Do you still love our dad?" "No, but I still love you." ""and your dad loves you." "That's all that really matters."" "Mm-hmm." "Hey, everybody ready?" "Hi, dad." "Hi." "Now go on." "Have a good time." "We'll talk about this when you get back Sunday." "Bye, mom." "Bye, mom." "Hi, dad." "Let's go!" "Love you, mom!" "Will... you shouldn't just walk in here like you still live here." "What, I'm supposed to ring the doorbell in my own house?" "This is not your house anymore." "I may not live here, but it's still my house." "He made me drink." "I'm drinking in solitary." "Look at me." "I-I'm cleaning in solitary." "Of course, you always clean in solitary." "There's nothing new in that," "But still, drinking, muttering to myself," "Compulsively scrubbing." "Oh!" "I don't like this, Kirby." "Really." "The guy's hanging around a bar." "He's looking to buy stolen credit cards." "Could be a major criminal conspiracy." "I don't know." "We go undercover." "We blow this thing out of the water." "Who made you undercover?" "I did." "It doesn't work that way." "This is your big chance." "These are not the good ones." "They got a limit." "They don't all have limits." "They might not be valid." "Oh, they're good." "I just got them from the post office." "I work at the post office." "I don't know your name, though." "My name is Todd Wilkinson." "Mrs. Stubbs!" "Hey, Mrs. Stubbs!" "We got one!" "We got us a criminal." "No, we don't." "We got us a criminal we already had." "Mrs. Stubbs!" "As I live and breathe." "It's me, Vinnie." "I know who you are." "I just met you." "Oh!" "Oh, darn it." "Brand-new shoes." "No, these are old shoes." "It's a miracle they lasted as long as they did." "There could definitely be a transfer of stolen goods taking place right in front of our eyes." "Don't be an idiot." "What's with you lately?" "I'll take care of this." "Go home to your wife and family." "Hey, you can drive away." "I won't follow you." "I have another errand to run, if you don't mind." "I don't mind." "It'll give me a chance to thank you for what you did the other day," "Which, incidentally, the worst day of my life." "I find that hard to believe." "It's Thanksgiving." "I'm in a community where I know no one but my bartender." "My wife, God rest her soul, died 3 years ago to the day." "I'm sorry to hear that, but that is no excuse for criminal behavior." "Like your shoes, it's a miracle she lasted as long as she did." "Aw, jeez!" "Look at these guys." "Look how cute they are." "Look at them frolic like this." "I'm sorry, Mrs. Stubbs." "I miss my dog, too." "They made me leave my dog behind." "How you guys doing, huh?" "They wouldn't let you take your dog?" "He only answered to his name." "What was his name?" "Fungole." "Oh!" "Need some help?" "Yes." "I would like a water turtle, and this gentleman is interested in a dog." "Look at this guy." "Ooh, ooh, ooh." "Hey, hey, hey." "Boo, boo, boo." "I'm not really." "It'll be a long time before I can even be with another dog." "What are you doing?" "All right, come on." "There you go." "Oh, God." "I wish I could remember what the other one looked like." "The turtle died, and you're going to pass another turtle off as the dead turtle, right?" "Right." "Trust me." "They all look alike." "That one." "Pretty bird." "Pretty bird." "Polly want a cracker." "It don't say Polly want a cracker." "What do it say?" "You're under arrest." "I once knew a guy had a parrot said that." "Yeah?" "$2.04 with tax." "Is that correct?" "Right." "Thank you very much." "You're under arrest." "I think I'm going to stay behind and get me a new dog." "Excellent." "I'm very happy for you." "You dirty rat." "Snitch!" "Stool pigeon." "Informer." "Squealer." "You dirty rat." "I already said you dirty rat." "Yeah, but I say it better." "Johnny Bird!" "I thought you was dead." "That was the general idea." "Billy Sparrow." "Todd Wilkinson." "Ooh, that's a good one." "Who's the dame?" "An assistant D.A." "I recently made the acquaintance of." "They picked you up?" "Misdemeanor." "They don't have misdemeanors here." "They just have felonies." "Where's Linda?" "She couldn't take it." "Jeez, I'm glad to see you." "I was feeling so... alone." "You're not alone." "You are really not alone." "Toot, toot!" "Barney!" "Barney, what a day." "What a great day!" "What are you doing here, Vinnie?" "What am I doing here?" "I live here." "I live here." "We got to talk." "What's the matter?" "You seem down." "I'm not down." "You look depressed." "I'm going to take you and buy you a drink." "I'm going to buy you a Flying Zombo." "That'll cheer you up." "I got to talk to you." "I'm with you." "I have a job, OK?" "I'm with you." "My job's to protect and safeguard you so you can testify at 2 major trials that are gonna send people to jail who are significantly more important than you." "When you testify, they'll try to destroy your credibility." "If you get into trouble here you'll just make it easier for them to tear you down." "I'm with you." "So you cannot commit credit card fraud." "Who says I committed credit card fraud?" "Yo, Todd." "Hey, how you doing?" "We have pictures of it." "I'm trying to tell you, I'm with you." "When I say I'm with you," "I don't mean it like an expression like I'm saying I know what you mean." "I mean, I'm with you." "I'm with the government." "I'm undercover." "Who made you undercover?" "I did." "It doesn't work that way." "I'm ready to testify." "He'll go to jail." "I don't want you to testify." "I want you to keep your nose clean." "Capeece?" "You trying to say capisce?" "Yeah." "Well, don't do it," "Because it hurts my ears when you do it." "Just out of curiosity, where's your wife?" "She, uh... got the chicken pox." "It's terrible." "She's in the hospital." "Really?" "Did you tell somebody she was dead?" "Who told you this?" "OK, OK." "Maybe I said it." "She left me, Barney." "Walked out the door." "Yeah, well, my wife left me, too." "When did this happen?" "In October." "That's when mine broke up." "What is it about October?" "I don't know." "The pressure of Halloween?" "You never know what to go as." "That cute D.A." "That's who I told." "Hey." "You and her maybe?" "Better chance of you and her than me and her." "No, not my type." "I like them a little, uh..." "I don't know." "Kind of dirty or something." "You ought to take her out." "You ought to marry her." "I'm still married." "A guy in Reno will marry you even if you're still married." "I'll arrange the whole thing." "Do me a favor." "Don't arrange anything." "Don't do anything." "Just lay low until we get through New York." "Stay out of trouble." "I'm with you." "What's this?" "Oh." "Surprise!" "Surprise!" "Rocco Bamonte!" "Peter Baker." "Peter Baker?" "That's fantastic." "Richie Paolucci." "No, no, no." "Michael Peterson." "I was your pallbearer." "I appreciate it, Vinnie." "Vinnie!" "Nicky the Fish!" "What are you doing here?" "It's great to see you, Vin." "Hey!" "Dino!" "How are you, Dino?" "Boy, Vinnie, you look good." "I can't believe this." "What the frig is this?" "A popover." "There's nothing in it." "Last week I drove 43 miles to a restaurant" "I heard had good marinara sauce." "How was it?" "Please." "They way I look at it, this is where you go when you die." "Everything's so clean." "Everybody's so nice." "Good we're not broke, or we'd really be miserable." "I'm broke." "But you get your check every week" "From the government, right?" "How long you think you get your check?" "Forever." "Yeah?" "Here's to forever." "What are you saying?" "Read the fine print." "They only send you the check till you testify." "Then... they actually expect you to go to work." "Bastards." "Creeps." "What the hell?" "We should go into business." "There's enough of us here to start a crime wave." "Hold it." "Come on, come on." "Bring it in." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Hijacking." "See you guys later." "Good night, Vinnie." "Take care, Vin." "Have a good one, Vinnie." "Now, Vin, remember, no speeding!" "Watch yourself." "OK, boys, back to work." "We are not accusing you of anything but speeding at the moment, Mr. Wilkinson, but I'd like very much to know about the items in your trunk." "Which items?" "Well, let's start with the cassette players." "I don't know anything about cassette players." "There were 40 of them in your trunk." "Oh." "A guy I know won those in a contest." "They were part of a shipment that was hijacked 4 days ago on the way to Radio Shack." "Oh, that's terrible." "And the swordfish?" "I know this guy." "His whole life is fishing," "But he caught too many fish, so he asked me, would I keep some fish in my freezer, but I don't have any room in my freezer on account of another guy I know giving me a side of beef." "So he put the fish in my trunk while the weather's cold, unbeknownst to me." "Mr. Wilkinson... put the ball away and sit down!" "The books." "You got something against books?" "I have nothing against books." "I'm curious about the books in your trunk." "You see, I was thinking of writing my story, so I bought this book on how to do it." "Why do you need 25 copies of it?" "In case I want to read it more than once." "I'm sure it will come as no surprise to you to learn these books were part of a shipment that was hijacked yesterday on the way to B. Dalton's." "No!" "Yes!" "Mr. Wilkinson" "How's the turtle, Mrs. Stubbs?" "Fine, thank you." "Did your kids ever figure out you switched turtles on them?" "Because I know it would be a major disappointment for them to find out." "Did you have a warrant?" "Barney, you know what this lady did?" "She whacked a turtle" "This man appears to have been in at least 3 major hijackings, just based on what we found in his trunk." "Did you have a warrant to search his trunk?" "No." "See, she didn't even have probable cause." "You had no right to search." "Probable cause." "Jefferson put that in the constitution." "Not for you." "I'm exactly the guy he put it in for." "Mrs. Stubbs, I admire your zeal." "Don't patronize me." "I'm the worst-case scenario of Jefferson's dreams." "This way." "Presumably, the statute of limitations will not have run out" "I've been thinking of advising this man to get involved with you, but now I'm afraid I can't, because you are definitely losing your sense of humor." "You can't touch him." "I can, too!" "If you ever had a sense of humor." "When you finish testifying," "All bets are off." "Everybody thinks they're humorous, but they're not." "You commit so much as a misdemeanor," "I'll throw the book at you." "OK, here's a test." "What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?" "What?" "You can unscrew a light bulb." "See?" "No sense of humor whatsoever." "Care for something to drink, ma'am?" "No, thanks." "Something to drink, sir?" "Let me borrow that pen again." "What can I get you two to drink today?" "Ginger ale for me." "2 double scotches, please." "We're only allowed to sell you 2 drinks." "2 double scotches would be 4 drinks." "I see." "All right, how about this?" "You sell me my double scotch and you sell my friend his double scotch, but instead of putting his on his tray, you put it on mine, and I'll pay for you both." "You look fantastic in red and blue..." "PAM." "All right, then." "That'll be $12." "OK, and, uh... keep the change, please." "We're not allowed to accept tips." "Not allowed to accept tips." "So your change is $8.00." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Can I get you something, ma'am?" "Would you like something to drink?" "Bye." "You tip a flight attendant?" "I tip everybody." "That's my philosophy." "See, actually," "It's not tipping I believe in." "It's overtipping." "I think this is the kind of thing people would like to know." "Give me that pen again." "American airlines flight 550 for San Francisco is now boarding..." "Vinnie, tomorrow morning you'll be seeing the prosecutors." "Tomorrow morning" "I have an appointment with my tailor." "You're going over testimony." "Gaetano's expecting me at 10:00." "The next day you'll testify, after which we'll go back." "Don't let anyone know who you are or that you're in town." "You'll telephone no one." "If anyone looks like they know you..." "Vinnie!" "Vinnie!" "Welcome home!" "We love you, Vinnie!" "Welcome home, Vinnie!" "I don't believe this!" "Are you crazy?" "Nobody knows I'm here but them." "Vinnie!" "Shh!" "Shh!" "Mama." "Undo my cuffs so I can hug my own mother." "I can't do that, Vinnie." "Don't make me look like a criminal in front of my mother." "Mama." "Mama." "Oh, mama." "Mama." "Mio bambino." "Mama." "Barney." "Hey, hey, hey, mama, mama, mama." "I thought Wankel invented the rotary engine." "Vinnie?" "Vinnie?" "Vinnie!" "Vaca." "Where the hell where you all night?" "Vinnie, we're late." "We have an appointment downtown." "You see what I mean?" "Tragic." "Barney, take a look at the 2 of us." "Take a look." "You see, we don't match." "You dress like this, you attract attention to me." "That's dangerous." "Wait till you see this." "Wow." "The worst." "It's a pair of socks." "Just try something different." "Vinnie, I'm not interested in this." "Of course you're not." "We know this." "If you were interested, we wouldn't be having this conversation." "Thank you, Tommy." "No wonder your wife left you." "She didn't leave me because of my socks." "The wardrobe is a symbol of how you are." "Now what do you think?" "Barney, listen to me." "It's very hard for a human being to change." "I know this." "I am an expert on this." "So, sometimes... in order for a human being to change, you have to change from the outside in." "Wow!" "You look beautiful." "Come on." "Tomorrow, as the Provolone trial continues, the U.S. attorney's office is expected to call Vincent Antonelli, one of the chief lieutenants to Gazzo until September, when he entered the federal witness protection program." "Look how young I look in that picture." "Jeez." "What do you want from room service?" "Nothing." "You got to eat something." "What I want is linguini at Bruno's." "A little linguini, a little scungilli." "I'll get you some Italian food." "You think I like hotel rooms?" "I'd like to order room service for 2." "Room 606." "Do you have any Italian food?" "What does that Italian dressing come on, salad?" "OK, I'll take one of those." "And what kind of pasta do you have?" "Macaroni and cheese." "OK, I'll take one of those." "What's this Chicken Volavent?" "Can you make that without the silky cream sauce?" "I just want it in a flaky pastry." "OK, fine." "Then" "What are you doing?" "!" "I'm wrinkling up your jacket like you're wrinkling your pants." "What are you talking about?" "Why?" "!" "You bought a $1,200 suit." "You hang up the jacket, but lay around in your pants." "You're wrinkling the pants." "Give me your pants." "I'll hang them up." "What happens-- give me your pants-- the pants go to the dry cleaners more than the jacket, and you end up with a suit that doesn't match." "I'll take this down to that pressing machine." "Since we're staying in, order me the macaroni and cheese, and get one of those little bottles of wine 'cause I don't want to drink too much." "Will I need change?" "No." "No." "They'll have change down there." "I'll be back in about 5 minutes, OK?" "Aarrgh!" "Vinnie!" "Vinnie!" "Vinnie!" "So we open up the truck, and what is there but 6,000 watches?" "I think, great, 6,000 watches." "Hey, how you doing?" "But what I don't realize is that each watch is worth 10 grand." "Now if you do your multiplication..." "May I help you, sir?" "I'm meeting somebody." "Vinnie!" "$60 million would buy the bar." "So Eddie, make me the drink you made the night Mary was shot." "I think it was a Bloody Mary." "Psst!" "Vinnie." "Who's that?" "Come here." "It's Louie!" "Louie Vinchenzi from San Francisco." "What are you doing here?" "This man's so fast, he doesn't wear pants." "It slows him down." "How was she?" "Give me the suit, right now." "I can't believe you did this" "A $1,200 suit on my credit card." "You wanna have a good time or sit in the motel?" "18% on my credit card." "Annette, give me that gray suit I gave you." "I'll be paying it off the rest of my life." "Champagne for everybody?" "What a fantastic guy." "I could've bought a VCR." "Could've bought a new car!" "Don't get him mad." "I can't believe you did this to me." "All right." "Let's go." "Right now." "Relax." "This is my territory." "Back to the motel." "I want to show you something." "You see those guys?" "Yes, I do." "If they find out you're FBI, we have a problem." "So, what'll it be, the motel and TV or drinking and girls?" "Know what I noticed about you?" "What?" "You never look them in the eye." "Who?" "Girls." "You're a good-looking guy." "You're a better-looking guy than I am, but I always look them in the eye." "Therefore, I'll always get laid more than you, which is fundamentally unjust, am I right?" "You're into justice." "This argument should appeal to you." "Come here." "What?" "Leave your celery." "Hiya, girls." "How ya doing?" "My name's Vinnie." "What's your name?" "Angie." "Angie." "How are you?" "What's your name?" "Marie." "I'd like you to meet my brother-in-law Barney." "He invented that valve doohickey on the artificial heart." "Don't ask me to explain it." "Barney." "What a great name." "They always say that, even if your name is Morty." "Now look her right in the eye." "Hi, Marie." "Hi, Barney." "What do you say we all dance?" "Oh, Vinnie, no." "I'd rather not." "Come on." "I want to dance." "Do a little Merengue for us." "Merengue." "All right." "Don't take it easy on her." "Let's go." "Pull it up." "Pump up." "What are you doing?" "You're too stiff." "You're slouching." "You gotta stand up like this." "Buckle your knees a little." "Move your hips." "Hey, Barney." "Put your hand here like this." "Ohh." "Do it." "Now watch this." "Do it." "Do it." "Vinnie!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Hey, Barney." "Yeah, Vinnie?" "Where'd you learn to shoot like that?" "In the bureau." "Really?" "Yep." "You saved my life." "You saved my life." "We're in each other's debt forever." "That's so great." "Good night, Vinnie." "Good night, Barney." "And what happened then, Mr. Antonelli?" "Mr. Capelli left the room." "Did Mr. Gazzo say anything at this point?" "Mr. Gazzo said, "kill the fart."" "I apologize, your honor," "But that's what he said." "To whom was he speaking?" "Sonny, Frankie, Richie, Al-- the guys who were there." "And then they had a little eggplant" "Benny's mother made." "She puts capers in, which I think is a mistake." "Then they killed Nicky Capelli." "One behind the ear with a .22." "Richie loved to use .22s 'cause the bullets are small and don't come out the other end like a .45." "A .45 will blow a barn door out the back of your head." "Lots of dry-cleaning involved." "A .22 will just rattle around like Pac-Man until you die." "Thank you, Mr. Antonelli." "You're welcome." "Your witness." "Mr. Antonelli," "Where exactly do you live?" "Nowhere." "Objection." "Mr. Levine knows perfectly well the witness is unable to answer that question." "I withdraw the question." "Aren't you currently in the federal witness protection program?" "Yes." "You're living somewhere in America under the protection of the federal government." "You agreed to testify against Mr. Gazzo." "And in exchange for this testimony, you've been given immunity, a nice house, and a weekly paycheck." "That correct?" "That's not all I get." "Perhaps you could enlighten the jury as to what else the government's giving you in exchange for this testimony." "Sure." "I get to never see my parents again or my loved ones." "I get to live in a place... it's OK." "Don't get me wrong." "The air is clean." "The people are nice." "But for a guy like me, who was raised on the sidewalks of a city that never sleeps, it's a living hell." "There were times when I thought of giving it up, particularly when my wife left me." "They gave us a nice house with flowers in front." "It made her sick." "But I made a deal with the government, so I'm here to tell the truth." "If you think I'm saying what I'm saying about Mr. Gazzo killing Nicky Capelli only because of the deal, you got a point, but it's still the truth." "What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?" "I don't know." "You can unscrew a light bulb." "Michelle, a drink here for my friend." "Oh, I couldn't possibly." "Oh, come on, have a brandy." "Monks make it." "Vinnie, we'll have to work so hard next time we come to New York so it won't be a letdown after this trip." "What a fabulous time I had." "Although I got to admit, it will be good to get back home." "Barney, I've been thinking." "It doesn't make any sense for you to have a problem with that D.A." "Get off my back about the D.A." "I'm not talking about romance." "I'm just talking in general." "Why make war with the D.A.?" "You gotta be out of your mind, especially in your line of work." "So when you get back try and make peace with her, a little gesture to show you're friendly." "Why make war?" "I mean, that's my philosophy anyway." "That's my philosophy." "Hi, Mr. Wilkinson." "Hi, Mr. Wilkinson." "Hi, kids." "How ya doing?" "Hi, Todd." "Hi, Debbie." "Hi, Brodie." "What a day for a mow, huh?" "Hey, tiger." "Where'd you get that jacket?" "You look sharp." "Hey, baby." "Way to go, Coopersmith." "Coopersmith." "Good morning, sir." "You could use a little help yourself." "Who gave me this?" "Hi, kids." "My name is Todd." "I'm a friend of your mom's from the office." "Hi, I'm Jamie." "I'm Tommy." "What are you doing here?" "We have to leave right away." "Otherwise we're gonna miss batting practice." "Let's go." "Hey, we can't go." "We can't go." "Why not?" "Of course you can." "Now parking's always a problem at the stadium, so I've taken the liberty, and I hope you don't mind, of hiring a limousine." "A limo!" "Oh, yes!" "Where is it?" "Does it have a TV?" "Awesome." "This is rad." "Oh, yes!" "We can't possibly." "Oh, mom." "Why not?" "Please, mom." "Yeah, please." "Come on." "Oh, thank you." "Yes!" "Hey, mom." "Vodka." "Put that away right now." "Got any vodka?" "Hey, there you go." "Put your seat belts on." "Hey, you don't have to put them on in this." "Hot dogs!" "Are these good seats or what?" "Here's a program for you." "And you keep track of everything." "Never take your wallet out at the ball game." "Didn't your mother ever teach you this?" "No." "Put this away." "How many hot dogs do we want, 2 each?" "Real men always have 2." "OK, and 2 for your mother." "I don't want a hot dog." "She's probably on a diet, right?" "My wife was always on a diet." "My mother used to say," "Be careful of women on diets because they're always in a bad mood." "And she was right, too." "My wife walked out on me at the low point of my life." "I thought your wife died." "I only wish." "2, 4, 6 hot dogs, please." "And keep the change on that and remember this section." "Pass them down." "Pass one to your mom." "Barney Coopersmith, what a coincidence." "What do you mean?" "You invited me." "It's an expression." "OK, you go sit next to her." "Everything doesn't have to be a war with you J. Edgar Hoover types." "Hi." "Hi." "The reason you never take your wallet out at a ball game or anyplace else is that someone's gonna steal it from you." "When you wave your wallet around, they watch where you put it." "When you get up to go to the bathroom, they follow you in and use a bumper." "They always use a bumper." "Bump into your brother." "This is how it works." "See that?" "You feel anything?" "Well, look at this." "So always protect your wallet." "Play ball!" "Yeah." "Play ball." "Padres!" "Padres!" "Padres!" "Padres!" "Padres!" "Padres!" "Padres!" "Padres!" "What?" "He was safe." "Nice day, huh?" "Catch it!" "That was awesome." "Yeah, how about that?" "You kids play baseball?" "We play in the field behind the mall." "I know that field." "It's in bad condition, though." "Every time it rains, it gets all yucky." "A dome is what you need." "The first little league in America with a dome." "Really, it's a worthwhile cause." "You ought to raise money for it." "It's a cocktail party for law-enforcement personnel in the San Diego area." "If you'd like to come with me." "Yes." "I would." "I'll call you." "You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section." "Why is that?" "Because you could melt all this stuff." "Ahh." "By the way," "My name's Shaldeen." "Hiya, Shaldeen." "What's yours?" "My name's Todd." "Todd." "That's a beautiful name." "It's Italian for..." ""extra special."" "Hello." "Barney, how ya doing?" "What's going on, Vinnie?" "I'm in Reno." "I just got married." "You got what?" "Married!" "Say hello to Shaldeen." "Shaldeen, say hello to Barney." "Hi, Barney." "Hi, Shaldeen." "Can you put Vinnie back on, please?" "Bye." "You love her or what?" "I don't understand." "You're already married." "I didn't marry her under my real name." "I said, Vinnie, you're already married." "He said, don't worry." "I didn't marry her under my real name." "Don't tell me you're gonna book him for bigamy?" "No." "Hannah doesn't find him as funny as I do." "I see that it's funny." "I have a sense of humor." "Of course you have." "Everyone thinks they have, even people who don't." "You look nice." "Thanks." "Do you want to dance?" "I'm a terrible dancer." "So am i, but I can do the Merengue." "They're not playing the Merengue." "They will." "Thank you." "1, 2." "She's a therapist." "He owns a lumberyard." "She left me for one of her patients." "He left me for someone I was in a car-pool with." "Jamie, the 9-year-old, is the serious one." "You know how it is with brothers." "If one's serious, the other one's funny." "Like with me and my brother." "You're the serious one." "I'm the funny one." "Really." "She moved to Wichita," "And I haven't seen her since." "I see him constantly." "He walks into the house without even knocking." "Would you like to come in for some coffee or something?" "Well, if it won't wake up the kids." "The kids are at my mother's." "Your kids are at your mothers?" "Good morning!" "Guys!" "Hiya." "Hey." "Oh!" "You want to come into this house, you ring the damn bell!" "I'm sorry." "Do you mind getting the door, please?" "Thank you." "Oh!" "Aah!" "Oh!" "Ooh!" "You've chosen the right agent, sir." "Barney," "I've got you the assignment of your dreams!" "You're going undercover, buddy." "Congratulations." "We're launching a major sting operation tomorrow." "Step into my parlor." "At 1300 hours." "Synchronize your watches, men." "We get to be Canadians!" "I still have the witness to look after" "Until he appears in court." "He has one more court appearance." "When?" "In 3 weeks." "This is an important assignment." "You're gonna be out for as long as it takes" "4 weeks, 8 weeks, however long." "I'll make sure someone's assigned to your witness." "I assume that he'll stay out of trouble in the meantime, Coopersmith?" "He just fell in love, sir." "You know how it is when you fall in love." "Sir?" "Undercover!" "Undercover." "You can't even call?" "We'll be stashed away." "You can't use the phone for anything that's not related to the job." "Someone could be tapping the phone." "You could jeopardize the entire investigation." "But you just got here." "OK, fellas, this is it." "Let's go!" "All right, get this:" "You're Harry Redleaf, and you're Dicky Thorson." "You're from Vancouver, and you're in town to buy stolen goods rrom a major hijacking ring." "They'll contact you when they're ready to fence their goods." "When will that be?" "Not today." "It will be whenever it will be." "So, me and Barney just sit here waiting?" "That's right." "It will be a lot easier" "If you start calling each other" "Harry and Dicky." "So, Dicky and me just sit here waiting?" "I hate that name." "I really hate that name!" "Have a nice day at the office, honey." "See you later, darling." "Bye, honey." "Jesus, look at this shit!" "Oh, look at this rain!" "Bring it back here, Epstein!" "Back it up!" "Pull it a little to the left," "Just a little bit!" "Take it easy!" "That's it, hold it!" "Ah, what the hell is this?" "Where are the stereos?" "How are we going to fence this shit?" "All right, guys, what do you got?" "We got two big spenders in town." "We got nothing to sell them." "What the hell are we supposed to do with these?" "How many of these we got?" "See, you guys see a problem." "I see potential." "Have a nice day." "How you doing?" "Would you mind us leaving this bottle here to raise money for the Fryburg little league?" "Ha." "Not at all." "Have a nice day." "Hiya, kids!" "I'll see you next week." "Lost track of how long we've been in here." "Give us a clue." "Give me some idea." "I don't know what's happening." "We lost contact temporarily." "What are we supposed to do in the meantime here?" "I'm wasting the best years of my life for nothing." "I got a wife and a family I'm not with, Dicky," "But you don't hear me complaining." "You call me Dicky one more time," "And I'll kill you." "Thank you." "Hi, Todd!" "Hi, Todd!" "Hiya, Tommy." "Hiya, Jamie." "What's all that money for?" "I don't know." "Race ya!" "I'm first, I'm first!" "I don't know what kind I'm getting." "What can I do for you?" "I don't know yet." "Got to look around." "That looks really good." "Take your time." "I'll get chocolate chip." "Coming up." "Okey-doke." "It's $1.00, right?" "Mm-hmm, $1.00." "Chocolate chip." "You want the cone or what?" "I changed my mind." "Sorry." "Maybe he'll put in night lights!" "No, he'll put in a dome and astroturf." "Mom, you should've seen the money in the bottle." "There's like trillions of dollars." "And it was our idea." "Well, not exactly our idea," "But we told him how awful the field was." "He might even put in bleachers." "Oh, yeah!" "And astroturf again!" "And maybe even a dome." "All right." "It's the first time in my life" "I try to do something for someone, repay my debt to society, and you arrest me for it." "He might be telling the truth." "It was all for the community." "I swear on my mother's life." "Let me do this." "I live here." "This is my home." "For better or for worse." "I love it here." "And you were going to give the money to the community, weren't you?" "Yes." "Yes!" "See, he was going to give the money to the community." "When were you going to give the money to the community?" "When I had all of it, obviously." "Listen, Mrs. Stubbs..." "Over here." "Against the wall, sir." "I'm a new man." "This is not the old me." "This is the new me." "He seems like a completely different person." "He seems totally different." "Anyway, I'm not your problem." "You have major crime going on right here under your nose." "You're wasting your time with me." "I'm nothing." "I'm small potatoes." "What I could tell you about what's going on around here if I wanted to," "It's big." "Come on, buddy." "What if he's telling the truth?" "At least listen to him." "OK." "What?" "Two of the biggest fences in north America" "Are sitting right here in Fryburg, ready to make a deal on everything in town that isn't nailed down." "They're looking to buy a ton of swag and ship it out of here in boxcars." "Hannah!" "Are you trying to make a deal with me?" "I don't know." "Am I?" "There's no deal if they're not here." "They're here." "If he said they're here, they'll be here." "Yeah." "Harry Redleaf and Dicky Thorson." "From Vancouver." "Did I tell you they were from Vancouver, or did I tell you they were from Vancouver?" "Let's go." "First left out the door." "Here you go." "Thank you." "They never leave the room." "They just sit there like they're waiting on something." "Did I tell you, or did I tell you?" "What about male customers buying things for their wives?" "They all watch Oprah Winfrey." "Police!" "Police!" "Police!" "Freeze!" "You're under ar..." "REST." "Hannah." "Bastard." "You bastard!" "I had no idea!" "For once in my life, I'm telling" "The deal is off!" "I'm arresting you for a scam moneymaking scheme to build a little league park." "And furthermore," "I'm indicting you under your real name." "Cuff him!" "He has to testify again in New York in 3 days, but he not gonna make it now because by tomorrow this story's in the newspaper." "In 24 hours every hit man in America will be here." "I seriously doubt that." "You want to bet?" "I never bet when I'm sure I'm right." "Presumably you haven't done much betting, since you've only been wrong once in your life." "Twice." "Hannah." "There you are." "Barney!" "Thank God!" "You got to get me out of this mess!" "That's the way it's been your whole life." "You spill your milk, and somebody else gets to clean it up." "Well, I'm not cleaning up your mess this time." "Hey, Barney, lighten up." "Is that your solution, that it's somebody else's problem?" "You steal a little swordfish, and Hannah should lighten up?" "You pretend to raise money for the little league, and the whole community should lighten up?" "Hannah turns against me," "And I should lighten up?" "Barney, I've upset you." "I'm sorry." "What kind of jail is this?" "Oh, I don't like to use this bathroom, so they let me use the office bathroom." "Isn't there a guard?" "Everything all right, Vinnie?" "Oh, Jimmy, yeah." "No problem." "Thanks." "Come on in." "Come on in." "Sit down." "You have a pillow with your name embroidered on it?" "Yeah, Crystal made that for me." "It's nice, isn't it?" "Hey... at least you never got involved with her." "I can't believe I even suggested it!" "Don't you understand, Vinnie?" "I'm in love with Hannah." "And now she hates me, and it's all your fault." "I'm so pissed at you!" "I'm really pissed, OK?" "OK." "Why is it my fault?" "Because you are a blight on this community, and I put you here, so she blames me." "Barney, I am sorry." "Yeah, right." "I am." "Really, I am." "I owe you." "You saved my life that night in New York." "I could never shoot at anyone." "I never touched a gun in my life." "It doomed me forever to middle management, and that's the truth." "I should do something." "What could I do?" "Vinnie, don't do anything." "Please, stop doing things." "I have to make a phone call." "Aw, Vinnie, now what?" "I am entitled to make a phone call, am I not?" "Oh, jailer." "Should I use the office line or the one in the coffee room." "Our position, your honor, is that we be permitted to hold Mr. Antonelli without bail." "Every day he is on the streets, he commits a crime." "And while that may be all right in places like New York where people are used to it, here in Fryburg, every citizen is a victim." "Hear, hear!" "That's right." "Mr. Coopersmith." "Your honor, speaking for the Federal Bureau of Investigation, our position is that Mr. Antonelli must not spend another night in jail." "His life is in danger." "He must be protected so that he can testify and therefore, we ask that you grant bail and release him in our custody." "Your honor, this is exactly what the FBI does." "It pretends this man is in danger when no one cares about him one bit." "There's all this melodrama, as if cartoon hit men in white-on-white ties are going to walk in and try to kill him." "Obviously, this is preposterous scenario, the sort of paranoid fantasy that" "Duck!" "Duck!" "Hannah!" "Get down, get down!" "You OK?" "Move!" "Cover the stand!" "I got to get out of here." "Follow me." "Get going, Coopersmith!" "Vinnie!" "Ah, where is he?" "Vinnie!" "It's all right, everybody!" "They're gone!" "It's all right!" "Use my car." "Great." "Oh, take my keys." "Thanks." "Take my gun." "Wow." "You saved my life." "I'm in your debt forever." "That's how it works." "Take me!" "Get in." "Just pretend I'm your hostage." "I can't believe it." "You're actually building this." "Yo, Vinnie!" "Yo, look at this!" "Hey, Dino, Nicky, Benny!" "Looking good!" "Looking good!" "Oh, mom!" "Guess what he built." "I know." "OK, hold on a sec." "It's so awesome." "Hannah, Hannah!" "Isn't he wonderful?" "Why didn't you say anything about this ball park when I arrested you?" "What, and ruin the surprise?" "You didn't say anything about this ball park because there was nothing to say." "You arranged all this from jail to avoid prosecution for embezzlement." "Now that hurts." "Because this was my intention from the very beginning." "The children needed a ball park, and I responded." "See..." "I know how it feels to be disappointed." "When I was 7 years old-- no, 8-- all I wanted for Christmas" "Was a new red bicycle." "My favorite uncle, uncle Alfresco, swore to me that he would buy me that bicycle." "I counted the days until Christmas." "5:00, Christmas morning," "I run down" "All right." "Nobody move." "This is just between Vinnie and us." "Guys, I'm in the middle of an anecdote." "Come over here and nobody gets hurt." "OK, OK." "Come on, kids, move back." "And everybody just get out of the way!" "Take Vincent!" "Go, Vinnie!" "Aah!" "All right, freeze!" "Hold it right there!" "Nice action." "Thanks." "I thought you didn't" "I lied." "Now, where was I?" "Oh, yes." "5:00, Christmas morning," "I run downstairs and look under the tree," "And what do I find?" "Uncle Alfresco dead on the floor," "Shot through the back of the head." "Plus, no bicycle." "It was a disappointing Christmas on many levels." "So you can accuse me of many things, but never for one moment did I intend to rip off these beautiful children." "Isn't that right, Barney?" "Yeah." "Vinnie told me about this little league thing months ago." "And the only reason" "I didn't say anything about it was 'cause it was supposed to be a surprise for the kids." "Do you expect me to believe this?" "Yes, I do." "How about it?" "Nice." "Very nice." "Hey, hey!" "Now, when you guys are laying this sod, remember, green side up." "Green side up." "OK." "Hey, Crystal, I want to show you this." "Now, what's gonna happen here..." "Hey, peanuts!" "Get ice-cold soda!" "Hot dogs!" "Car radios!" "Peanuts!" "Peanuts!" "CDs!" "Get your cannolis, zeppoli," "Veal cutlet hero!" "Get the new best-seller, how I got here-- adventures in a life of crime and punishment." "Autographed by the criminal himself." "Hey, buddy, are you gonna read it or buy it?" "I can't believe I'm back in this crummy town." "I must be working out some screwed-up karma." "I know what you mean." "Who would've thought we'd each have two husbands in a row who were in the federal witness program?" "But you know, this lawn reminds" "Here, sweetie." "Let's have a good game." "Hey, umpire." "Yeah?" "I got a little proposition to make you." "The Fryburg Turtles..." "They're going to win, hmm?" "Hmm?" "And now, Fryburg city council's man of the year," "Mr. Vincent Antonelli, will throw out the first ball." "Hey, all right, all right." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Hey, come here, kids." "Come on, come." "Whoa, look at these guys!" "Looking good!" "Whoa!" "Huh?" "How about that, huh?" "Whoa!" "Merengue!" "Oh!" "My boy Vinnie!" "Oh, good boy!" "Hey, yeah!" "Ooh!" "Ohh!" "Yes!" "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Hey, Crystal, how's our little one?" "Turtles all the way!" "Play ball!" "You know..." "Sometimes I even amaze myself."