"Looks like our killer wanted to send a message..." "Permanently." "But I sent his brain a text message in lead..." "Permanently." "Permanently." "Perm-on-ently." "Speaking of "permanently"," "I have a new plan that will get us all home..." "Permanently." "As you all know, I was recently promoted away from the drill." "And the drill is the thing you need to stay close to so you can destroy it." "Thank you, Josh." "So now I need to get demoted back to the drill." "I'm going to work today and punching Chevdet in the nuts." "I thought Chevdet was your friend?" "Chevdet is my friend, but he's also Turkish-American, and according to Chris Rock's stinging stand-up," "We all know that everyone secretly wants to punch a minority in the nuts." "So it probably won't get you fired, but if you punch Chevdet in front of enough people, they'll have to take some sort of punitive action, ergo..." "A demotion!" "You taste delicious." "Oh, God." "Tina, did I catch a glimpse of a creature in the pool just now?" "Perhaps a devil monster from the underworld brought here illegally?" "Maybe there was, maybe there wasn't." "Put a pin in that discussion." "Mandy, honey, be home by 6:00, okay?" "We're gonna go out to dinner to celebrate your old man punching a minority in the grapes." "Soft pass, dad." "I have a date..." "with my new boyfriend." "Boyfriend?" "Hello, zero to 60." "Give us some stats." "His name's Wayne." "I like everything I'm hearing about this guy." ""Wayne." Yeah, sounds strong and reliable." " What's his last name?" " I can't remember." "But he has a tight little ass." "Mandy, don't be disrespectful." "Your father's right." "If you're going to make crude, objectifying comments about boys, do not leave your mother hanging!" "Up top!" "With this special fireproof cloth, our astronauts will have one less fire to put out in space." "That's a crap sandwich." "Repurpose the material to China as baby girl pajamas." "And then wink." "They'll get it." "Buddy, I need a favor." "I need to punch you in the nuts." "Buddy, no!" "I'll take you to the Olive Garden for a steak." "Okay, but go with the left one." "It's stronger." "The right one is like a little schoolgirl." "Husha!" "You grazed it!" "Grazing it is technically worse!" "I hear my son Wayne is dating your daughter." "Wayne with the tight little buns is your son?" "According to The Maury Povich Show." "What's this game?" " Smack-a-slumdog?" " It's no game." "It's unacceptable behavior on my part." "And I accept your demotion." "All right, you're in the mail room." "Mail room?" "That is so far away from the drill." "I didn't even fully punch him in the nuts." "You grazed him." "That's worse." "Lucky for you, you're in line for a promotion." " I am?" " Of course." "Our kids are getting weird all over each other." "That means I'm gonna show you preferential treatment." "Come by on Saturday." "We're having a little barbecue, Killbride style." "You can see how the other 2% lives." "Are you okay?" "I owe you, buddy." "No, son." "It is I who owes you." "Infertility has never been more en vogue." "Come in, Hellmans." "Grab a nonrecyclable paper plate." " What's up, M-balls." " Hi, Wayne." "Here he is, our little tax write-off." "Yup." "That tushy ain't mushy." "Nice to finally meet you, Wayne." "I'm Mandy's father, Balthazor." "That's a cool name." "Is that Iranian or something?" "No, it is not!" "You apologize to this man right now!" "Sorry, Mr. Hellman." "Come on, Mandy." "The gang's by the pool." "Kids, huh?" "So, who wants some grilled bald eagle?" "Did somebody say "bald eagle"?" "That was my nickname back in college." "Spent more money on razors than tuition." "Marjoe!" "You pop up in the most unexpected places!" "I didn't know you had a catering company." "I bet you didn't know I had crabs, either." "Crabmeat-filled panda paws, that is!" "Std-licious!" "You've got to taste my sperm whale soup!" "I promise you won't spit it out!" "Let's talk turkey." "You happy at work?" "Because if you're happy, your little jailbait daughter is happy, and if she's happy, my little pecker of a son's happy, and if he's happy, the old ball and chain's happy," "and when Lorelei's happy, my balls and chains are happy." "So, how do I make you happy?" "I think you mentioned something about a promotion before." " You know, at work?" " Where do you want to be?" " The drill!" " Done." "Dad, we have to leave right now." "I broke up with Wayne." "At least we still have our friendship." "Now that our kids aren't plowing each other to kingdom come, we're back to our old dynamic..." "Boss..." "Slave." "Promotion off!" "Geez." "We'll open with comments." "Josh... why do you have that charred bird on your arm?" "This is Muffy." "I saved him from the barbecue and reanimated him." "And now I'm gonna find him a mate and repopulate the bald eagle species, thereby saving them from extinction." "I have a question." "Mandy, why did you break up with Wayne?" "He's our way in to the drill." "What were you thinking, man?" "!" "Wayne invited this unpopular kid Brant to the party and then pantsed him in front of Kayla, the girl he likes." "I thought Wayne was different, but it turns out he's just as mean as the other guys at school." "And what's worse?" "He has crap taste." "He loves Coldplay, Chillaxin', and Dane Cook." "I mean, really?" "Dane Cook?" "!" "Oh, God." "All right, so Wayne is a bad egg." "But let me ask you something." "Can you look past that..." "for the mission... to destroy the drill..." "to get home?" "In short, to snorfindesdrillsalgoho?" "I'm sorry, dad." "I can't." "I don't have feelings for Wayne anymore." "And you always told me to be true to my heart." "The girl's right." "If she doesn't like him, she doesn't like him." "But maybe there's a way to make the girl like him." "I like where the goblin's going with this." "Mandy, describe to me your perfect guy." "I don't know..." "really nice, brooding," "Lots of hair gel, maybe a vampire." "It sounds like your ideal guy is a mix of... and tell me if I'm wrong..." "Zac Efron, A-rod, and that guy from Twilight." "Exactly!" "Yes!" "Mandy, just give me a week with Wayne to do a little "weird science"." "And when I'm done, will you give him another chance?" ""Extreme makeover:" "Boyfriend edition"!" "Do you guys sometimes sit around and think about what you would write if you wrote songs, but then you don't get too far, because you don't write songs, and then you just put on Death Cab for Cutie?" "Dude." "Guys, do you know if my bus is here yet?" "Yeah." "Let me..." "let me check for you." "You farted in my face!" "And my sense of smell is heightened!" "You should have heard it coming, daredevil." "Check it!" "Blind superhero reference much?" "!" " Wayne's world!" " Dude!" "It's a Dane Cook CD." "Got it!" "I'm awesome!" "Wayne, we need to talk." "What would you say if I had the love potion that would get Mandy to like you again?" "I'd say I'd mix it with some jager and make a potion bomb and then chest bump you, bro, 'cause I love you." "All right." "Let's get started?" "All right, Wayne, you look great." "'cause you're a polite, unique, and interesting young man." "Thank you for your kind words, Mr. Hellman." "And thank you for spending the week with me in the forest." "It was my pleasure." "And thank you for introducing me to s'mores," "Although my waistline is gonna be angry as heck." " Do you think Mandy will like me now?" " She'd be crazy not to." "Geez, Louise." "I think my bolo's stuck." "It is." "It's stuck on my cape clasp." "It tickles." "Why does it look like you're making sweet stand-up driveway love to my son?" "And why does my son look like a gay vampire Mexican?" "It's not what you think." "We got back from a week in the woods learning what it means to be a man." "My bolo!" "Wayne, get in the house." "And wash some of that Mexican off you." "What the hell are you doing?" "I thought that if Mandy liked Wayne again, you'd give me that promotion at work." "You dark, heartless, suckling weasel teat." "You'd pimp out your own daughter to get ahead at work?" "Geez, sir." "When you say it like that, it sounds awful bad." "You are..." "my kind of guy, Hellman!" "You're cold..." "puppies-in-a-blender cold!" "Will that puppy ice blended get me a promotion, sir?" "Easy, Le tigre." "You're working hard to get our kids back together." "That's your mouth writing checks." "Now let's see if your little girl actually takes the bait." "Let's see if your ass can cash those mouth checks you've been writing." "You really want that promotion, Hellman?" "Get Wayne off my hands... permanently!" ""Get Wayne off my hands."" "Did you hear that?" "We have to kill Wayne." " Permanently." " Perm-on-ently." "All right, here's what's on our menu most foul." "Killbride and Wayne are heading here for meat loaf with the family." "But we will serve Wayne an entrée of death." "Perm-on-ently." "Permanently." "Perm-on-ently." "Permanently." " Yes, perm-on-ently." " Yeah, that's what I said." "Right, but you continued as if to imply I wasn't saying it correctly." "No, you're saying it right." ""Permanently."" "That's what I said... perm-on-ently." "But the question is, how to extinguish the candle which is Wayne?" "What's up with the pickle jars?" "Something terrible happened this afternoon." "Let's just say, the heart wants what the heart wants." "Refocus, goblin." "How to shed Wayne's mortal coil?" "The roof!" "I don't want this to influence how you feel," "But if you do go for Wayne, daddy gets a promotion." "No pressure." "Be true to your heart." "But remember daddy and the fact that daddy has no plan "b"." "This is exciting!" "Check it." "I'm sending you the picture, dude." "I chocolate swirlied the chess team." "Checkmate with my deuce juice!" "The training didn't take." "No wonder his father wants to rub him off the face of this earth." " You said, "rub him off."" " Did I?" "I totally heard it." "Your father wanted us to tell you he has your early birthday present ready for you... on the roof of our home." "Really?" "You got an Ed Hardy Store on the roof of your house?" "Yes!" "Come!" "We can take you right to it." "I'm so awesome." "I don't see Ed Hardy anywhere." "What... you guys lied to me." "What do you want?" "To make out with me like my algebra 2 teacher?" "Ed hardly." "We want you to make out with the end of your life!" "What?" "This is what your father wants!" "Wayne Killbride, it is time to do the antithesis of what Blue Oyster Cult suggested and fear the reaper!" " Josh, this is so weird." " I know." "The rat roll-ups keep falling out." "I'm not talking about your reanimated stomachless last hope for bald eagledom." "I'm talking about my creation..." "Wayne." "He texted me a half-hour ago that he was on his way." "This isn't like the new Wayne." "I better text him." ""Where letter-R letter-U question mark." "Wink emoticon." I don't want him to misinterpret the tone, 'cause I'm concerned more than angry." "No, I hit the angry emoticon." "Where's Pazuzu?" "He knows his way around the qwerty." "He's up on the roof killing Wayne." "Wait!" "Just..." "Just let me..." " Sayonara, Waynespotting." " Wait!" "What the flock of seagulls, you guys?" "!" "You're creasing his cape!" "We're about to crease his life." "What?" "Why?" "To help you, you nincompoop." "Yeah!" "Killbride said you'd get the promotion if you took Wayne off his hands... permanently." "Yes." "Perm-on-ently." "Permanently." "Perm-on-ently." "Like on "bludsplatter."" "What?" "!" "He didn't want Wayne dead." "He was being hyperbolic to express his frustrations with parenting." "Which just goes to show the limitations of language." "What the hell is going on here?" "Balthazor told us him, him." "He told us to kill your son." " Balthazor told us to kill your son." " Did not!" "I'm so sorry, dad!" "It's all my fault!" "I know I'm a huge douche!" "I have horrible taste!" "Balthazor, you son of a bitch!" "You found a way to get through to my stupid gay vampire Mexican son." "I can try to stop pantsing ugly fat girls and crotch-darting drama kids!" "I'll stop serenading that blind kid with my ass music!" "I'll stop!" "Wait." "What?" "I know I'm a terrible person." "But if you let me live, I promise I will change!" "Change?" "If I'd have known that you were a fat-girl-pantsing, gassy crotch darter, we wouldn't be up here in the first place." "I had no idea I had so much to be proud of." "I guess we need to get to know each other a little better." "I guess so..." "Dad." " J.K." " Now get out of here." "You know, Hellman, I'm embarrassed to say that I had given up on my son, my damn 21-year-old 10th grader." "I was so repulsed by the Dane Clark and the Coldplay," "I couldn't see the real Wayne, the one who mocks cripples and farts in the face of blindness." "I mean, what more could a father ask for?" "If you hadn't tried to change him," "I would never have realized how perfect he was to begin with." "Thank you... friend." "You're welcome... friend." "Am I a friend with benefits?" "You're the kind of friend this friend gives promotions to." "Congratulations." "You're out of the mail room." "Happy day!" "And where to, kind sir?" "The drill?" "No." "Public relations." "Rats!" "Dinner's ready!" "Did I hear someone say, "public relations?"" "Brad and I tried that once, but it turns out Chuck E. Cheese has a strict "no fluids in the ball pit" rule!" "I'm okay!" "Who wants a hot pocket?" "!" "Me!" "I do!" "Justify your lives!" "So, Satan, great news." "I am now "friends" with Don Killbride, my boss." "And as a result, I now work in public relations." "I don't know what that means, but with a little assistance from season 4 of Boston Legal, I hope to find out." "I have a feeling I'll destroy that drill soon, complete the mission, and come home to your ample bosom." "If that's a slam on my weight, I take offense." "I am an emotional eater, and I'm under a lot of pressure." "The girl... go." "I liked Wayne's new awesome look." "But, in the end, you French a person, not their cape or hair gel." "Although, the fangs did kind of get in there." "You make less sense than a Charlie Kaufman movie." "But you look like your mum, so that gets you a life pass." "Satan, you know the most amazing thing I discovered this week?" "You can't engineer love." "You have to be true to your heart." "Like me... and Tina." "Thanks for the tampon ad." "Satan out." "Well, all's well that ends well." "I wish you had given Muffy to Satan as a present." "What?" "You do?" "Why?" "Because I've always wanted to give Satan the bird." " Oh, man!" " Dad!" " That's funny." " I don't get it."