"I mean, I understand that the woman is new to the school and everybody's bending over backwards trying to make her feel welcome but teacher of the month?" "Please." " That's an outrage." " And it has nothing to do with the fact that I was teacher of the month for the last six months." "You know, two more and I would've gotten to keep the ceramic owl." "I did not know that." "Not that I'm bragging, you know just a deserved recognition for being a good teacher." "I didn't get it for wearing a push-up bra and giggling like an idiot every time some man makes a funny." "Reminds me." "Did you hear the joke about the blind prostitute?" "Mike, I'm telling you about my day." "Punch line is, you gotta hand it to her." " You know, because she's blind." " Yeah." "I tell you, Joyce, I'm really starting to get the hang of this yoga malarkey." "If I get any more limber, I won't need you anymore." "Hey, cowboy, if you can do it, do it." "That cuts my workload in half." "She's got you doing yoga." "Yeah." "She wants to show me off at her high school reunion." "That's why she's got me twisting in knots and sniffing my own buttocks." "I can't wait to glide into that Sheraton banquet hall with this hunk of Italian sausage on my arm." "You know, when you describe me as a piece of meat it makes me feel like a piece of meat." "Anyway, if you ask me little Miss Teacher of the Month is in for a rude awakening." "And we're back." "She's gonna find that field trips and learning games and trying to be best friend with the kids is not a substitute for actual teaching." "I mean, she lets the kids call her by her first name." "There is a balance between being loving and being firm and I don't think Miss Jennifer gets that." "It's just insane the way people are fawning all over her." "Oh, did I tell you about the parking spot they gave her?" "You did." "I was appalled." "Oh, look, Escape from the Planet of the Apes is on." "That's the one where the monkeys go back in time and wear suits and get jobs." " Mike." " That parking thing is a travesty." "Right?" "And meanwhile, I'm parking behind the cafeteria under a tree filled with birds who apparently eat nothing but lasagna and chocolate milk." "My glutes are still vibrating from that yoga class." "You could shake up a martini in my crack." "Hey, I just got a batch of Cuban cigars and I thought you might wanna partake." "That sounds great." "Mike, we're in the middle of a conversation." "It's just the middle?" "I'd love to, Vince, but my girlfriend is sharing her day with me." "Actually, we're sharing our days with each other." "Yeah, right, that." "Well, have you gotten to the part where you passed on an $80 cigar because you were pretending to listen to your girlfriend?" "I'm not pretending." "I listen to every word she says." "I can tell you for a fact that today for lunch Molly had lasagna and chocolate milk." "Go smoke." "Nothing like the taste of a fine Havana cigar smuggled through the negligent borders of our Canadian cousins." "Lucky for the both of us, we're burning the evidence." "Where the commies fall short is tennis shoes and electronics." "Never ever buy a Cuban iPhone or a pair of Air Castros." "Good to know." "Listen, I wanted to talk to you about something." "Kind of a personal matter." "Oh, boy, everybody's in a chatty mood tonight." "What I'm about to tell you is strictly hush-hush." "Because if Joyce ever found out, it would kill her." "Thank you for the cigar and the pleasant conversation but I don't wanna hear about another woman." "Whoa, whoa, this ain't about me getting some on the side, jeez." "I gotta pop oysters and stiffy pills just to keep up with the big red machine in there." "Good, because I really wanna finish that cigar." "Come on, sit down." "Take a considerable load off." "Okay, here it is." "All this talk about Joyce's high school reunion has made me feel bad about not being a high school graduate." "Is that it?" "Yeah, what'd you think?" "I was gonna profess my love to you?" "No." "It's just that not graduating from high school isn't that big a deal." "It is to me." "And I've never told that to another living soul." "You're kidding?" "I was gonna confide it to my wife on her deathbed but we had so many other important things to talk about." " Of course." " Code to the alarm system her recipe for manicotti what dry cleaners my good black suit was at." "If you're worried about what Joyce will think, I'm sure she'll understand." "Joyce must never know." "I don't want her to find out my worldly, sophisticated exterior is nothing but a facade." "Technically, the exterior is the facade." "I think it's French or something." "See, that right there is why I don't tell people." "You're already talking to me like I'm an idiot." "I'm saying you shouldn't feel bad about not graduating high school." "Easy for you to say, you're a learned man." "Well, I wouldn't say learned, but I had a strong C average in high school which made the transition to junior college a smooth path." "You're telling me you went to college?" "Two full years and a mandatory summer session." "That was eighth grade for me." "Geometry made me its bitch." "Well, why don't you just get your GED?" "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." "You're a government employee maybe you could pull a couple of strings and slide me one under the table." "Doesn't work that way." "This isn't something I could fix like a parking ticket." " Told me you couldn't fix parking tickets." " I can't." "Then why you dangling the carrot?" "Look, if you wanna get your GED, you gotta take the test." "Lucky for you, there's a woman in that house that can help you study." " Molly." " Voted teacher of the month six times in a row." "She received the coveted ceramic owl." "She doesn't really like me, though." "I mean, I get that kids are always standoffish when they know you're banging their mom." "But she goes the extra mile." "Yeah, she has yet to succumb to your unique charms." "Plus, women tell each other everything and she'll end up blabbing it to Joyce." "Can't argue with you there." "That family could talk underwater." "Maybe you could get a tutor." " How about you?" " I don't know." "I was always kind of a wing-and-a-prayer kind of student." "They used to call me Mr. CliffsNotes." "But what about junior college?" "It's really just a high school where you can smoke." "My point exactly." "If a load like you can get kicked through the system there's still hope for me." "Well, that's not flattering, but I can certainly see what got you there." "Oh, a shower was a good idea." "I am fresh as a daisy." "Unfortunately, now your loofah smells like cigar smoke and BO." "Sexy." "Did you and Vince have a good time tonight?" "It was okay." "He's a decent enough guy." "See, that's where you and I part ways." "What did he wanna talk to you about?" "Nothing in particular." "Just cigar talk." "Cigar talk?" "You know, "This is a good cigar." "Glad you like it." "I like it a lot."" ""Hey, is that a cat?" "No, it's a possum." Cigar talk." "Well, I guess that's more fun than having a conversation with your girlfriend." "Only because of the cigars and the possum sighting." "May I offer you some squeaky-clean loving?" "Hang on." "Hang on." "So Vince just wanted to give you an $80 cigar and didn't want anything in return?" "Same guy that offered you a box of steaks in exchange for a handicapped parking pass?" "I felt bad about that." "He'd already bought those nice aluminum crutches." "He just wanted to share something in confidence." "You know, man-to-man." "Anything to do with my mom?" "Not really." "I mean, other than the fact he doesn't want her to know about it." "Are you telling me he's keeping something from her?" "Just because he's deeply ashamed." "Okay, so if that's a no on the sex, I will bid you good night." "What can I do?" "A man tells me a secret, I gotta take it to the grave." "Of course." "So Vince Moranto didn't graduate high school." "You understand why I couldn't tell Molly, right?" "Absolutely." "It's a personal private matter." "And we all know women are notorious blabbermouths." "Hate to say it, but it is kind of true." "I tell my grandma one secret, next thing you know everybody in Church is peeking to see if I'm going commando under my choir robe." "You actually do that?" "If they spent the money on air conditioning instead of that stupid youth bus I wouldn't have to be swinging low while I'm singing "Sweet Chariot."" "What are you talking about?" "Molly's mom's boyfriend told Mike something in confidence." "Now Molly's upset because Mike didn't tell her what it is." "Women love the gossip, don't they?" "In Senegal, I once dated two sisters at the same time." "It was less than a week before they blabbed it to each other." "On top of that, they tried to make me the bad guy." " So, what is the big secret?" " Vince didn't graduate high school." "Interesting." "You know, Henry, the cook, is a dropout too." "But you didn't hear it from me." "I was looking through the study guides and they say the best way to start is by taking a sample test." "Whoa, whoa, right to it?" "No foreplay?" "You don't wanna dance or rub zippers?" "This is just a way to find out where your weak areas are and what we need to concentrate on." " I can tell you what my weak areas are." "Processing dairy and taking tests." "And they both turn my bowels into an ass cannon." "Vince, relax." "And remember, most of this stuff is just common sense." " Take your time and do your best." " All right." ""Which of the following political actions violated the principles of unalienable rights of liberty that evolved from the U.S. Declaration of Independence?"" "Is this for high school or to become president of the United States?" "Come on, just think it through and break it down." "I told you, I don't break things down well and I had a milk shake for lunch." "All right, let's just move on to the next question." "Fine. "Which three of the original 13 colonies...?"" "For crying out loud, I don't know if this is math or history." "Yeah, I'm not really sure where they're headed either." "Just forget it." "I'm not good at tests." "I've never been good at tests." "I get nervous, I can't focus, I get fidgety." " ADD?" " Hey, I can add." "I just don't like tests." " Bathroom break." " Vince, we just got started." "Wasn't really a question." "This one right here was prom queen junior and senior year." "She's a cute little filly." "Now she's a beer-hauling Clydesdale." "Well, that prom queen is gonna be green with envy when she sees you walking in with your yoga booty and your sexy man on your arm." "Oh, yeah." "She'll be snorting and stomping her hoof." "I better bring some carrots and sugar cubes." " Something smells good in here." " I'm trying a new brownie recipe." "The secret is less brownie, more pot." "Don't burn it like the last batch." "I was secondhand high for a week." "So where's Vince tonight?" "He said he had to work late, but he's coming over later." "That reminds me, I gotta wax the wigglies." "Hey, is, uh, everything okay with you two?" "Sure." "Have you noticed anything odd about his behavior?" "Well, he's been a little cranky lately." "But he's probably just annoyed at me for pushing him to lose weight grow hair and have his neck waddle taped back." " Why do you ask?" " Oh, no reason." "You're my mom, I love you, I just wanna make sure you're happy." " Oh, well, thank you, baby." "Oh..." "I am." "Good." "Ha, ha." "Working late." "That dirtbag's not even a good liar." "What's going on?" "I don't know for sure." "But I know he and Mike had a little secret man talk last night and Mike's being very cagey about it." "You don't think Vince is doing anything behind Mom's back?" "See, that's where my mind went too." "My God, he's cheating on her, isn't he?" "You did not hear that from me." "How long is it gonna take to grade this thing?" "Hang on a second." ""Add the combined scores of sentence structure and usage with the subtotal of language arts from Page 3."" "Man, this is like putting together a bookcase from Ikea." "You know, forget about it." "I'm sure I flunked." "No." "Now, just hang on a second." "We don't know that." "Bup-bup-bup, carry the two..." "Now we know that you flunked." "My old man always told me I was an idiot." "You know what?" "He was right." "You're not an idiot." "You're just not a good test taker." "Remarkably bad, in fact." "Well, how else am I gonna get a GED?" "Abraham Lincoln never graduated high school." " He did pretty well for himself." " Yeah, except for getting shot in the head." "To be fair, a high school diploma is not gonna stop a bullet." "So you're saying I just gotta live with my secret shame?" "Everybody's got one." "I'll share mine if it makes you feel better." "Food?" "Maybe." "The more you try to hide it, the worse it's gonna feel." " Just go to Joyce and tell her the truth." " I don't know." "You'll feel better." "The woman loves you." "She's not gonna judge you over something like that." "Would you mind going with me to tell her?" "You know, for moral support." "I'd be happy to." "All right." "Boy, I hope she's gonna be okay when she finds out her erudite prince is just a well-hung frog." ""Erudite." I can't believe you didn't score higher in the verbal." "Listen, when I get in there I may embellish my reasons for dropping out of school a little bit." "Papa got sick, I had to work the fields, care for the other young'uns." "Something in that vein." "For another cigar, I'll tell her you were a coal miner's daughter." " What is going on here, Mike?" " I gotta talk to your mom." "He just needs to get something off his chest." "What's that?" "The breasts of a younger woman?" "Joyce, doll, why are you crying?" "I know all about your dirty little secret." "Who told you?" "Did you tell her?" "I didn't tell anybody, except Carl and Samuel." "Oh, you could tell Carl and Samuel, but you couldn't tell me." "You thought you could keep something like that from me?" " Boy, you're dumber than I thought." " I had to work the fields." "You are such a pig." "Whoa, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but you're kind of making me feel bad." "Well, you should feel bad." "You're cheating on my mother." " What?" "I never cheated on you." "Mm-hm." "Then why are you here with your tail between your legs?" "I came to tell you I don't have a high school diploma." "And now, thanks to Lumpy, the study partner, I never will." " What?" " I was ashamed to tell you because I thought you'd think less of me, but apparently you already do." "You told me he was having an affair." "No." "Now..." "I didn't exactly use those words." "It's all moot." "Damage is done." "I got this, Mom." ""Moot." The man is a wordsmith." "Vince, wait." "Look, I get that I'm not your favorite person but I never thought you'd spread lies about me." " I'm sorry." " I may not have a formal education or a high school diploma, but I got a heart." "And you stuck a knife in it by way of my back." "I know." "I made a terrible mistake." "Let me..." "Let me make it up to you." "How?" "A kick in the groin?" "No, thank you." " Hey, Moranto." " What?" "I think you owe me an apology too." "You have got an actual teacher right here and you asked Mike to tutor you." "I regret that deeply." "The only thing I learned from that guy is that the Chicago Police Department is not a very picky organization." "Come on, give me a chance." "Why you wanna help me?" "Well, that's why I became a teacher." "And seeing as that you're my mom's fiancé kind of makes you family." " Family?" " Kind of." "Damn it, you're a tough nut to crack." "But I love you, snowball." "I really do." "Okay, okay." "Oh, Vince, I'm so sorry I doubted you." "We just didn't know what to think, Vince." "But stupid is so much better than cheater." "I forgive all you broads." "Hey, where's the big guy?" "Yes." "The apes do wear suits and get jobs." "Wow, I can't believe you got Vince to actually go and take the GED exam." "Well, part of what a good teacher does is to inspire her students, you know." "Instill in them the confidence that they need to go out and achieve academic excellence." "I guess we know why you hold the record for teacher of the month." "Heh." "Every student is different." "You have to figure out what their individual needs are." "Now, for Vince, I just had to give him the proper tools to overcome his fear of taking tests." "Oh, man, do you guys know what happened to the two pot brownies I was saving?" "Don't you want somebody to love" "Don't you need somebody to love" "Done."