"Lastnight on" RoastBattleII "" " You look like a jockey that [bleep] it's own horse." "[laughter]" " Fair enough." "[audience roars]" "Eightmoreround-oneroasters gotiton ." " Keith is such a disgusting sewer monster, if he swallowed Drano he'd just cure his sleep apnea." "[laughter]" " I thought you both died in the chocolate factory, but here you are." "[laughter]" " I like your hair, by the way." "I've never seen a pedophile go Super Saiyan." "So that's really cool." " That's the most elaborate coming out of the closet" "I've ever seen." "Andourguestjudges:" "KenJeong..." " I am a doctor from Hollywood!" "AndWhitneyCummings..." " You're, like, what Hitler wanted." " And I'm what he got." "[laughter]" "Sendfourroasters outofthearena..." " I love the that fact that you think this is an arena." "Andfourwinners towardsroastimmortality." " Olivia Grace wins!" "Matthew Broussard!" "Alex Hooper!" "Todd Barry!" "[hip-hopmusic]" "Tonight, fromtheSunsetStrip" "SarahSilverman andJohnMayer arelockedandloaded." "[together] Whoa!" "It'seightcomicsdown  andeightcomicsstillalive." "This is what happens when you swipe all the way to the end of Tinder." "Thisisthequarterfinals." " That is some good-ass chicken." "You're right about that." "That'ssomehot-asschicken." "It's"RoastBattleII:" "WaroftheWords."" "♪ Wegotthemrabid forbattle♪ [hip-hoptechnomusic]" "♪Wegotthemrabid forbattle♪" "♪♪" "♪Wegotthemrabid forbattle♪ all: [chanting] Battle!" "[cheers and applause]" " This is awesome." "Packed house." "What's happening, LA?" "This is night three of the world championships of competitive roasting." "[audience shouts and cheers]" "Yeah, wake the [bleep] up, dude." "Come on." "[laughter]" "I love guys who make their own shirts for "Roast Battle."" "[laughter]" "That looks like the AIDS Quilt made into a shirt." "[laughter]" "It's been a savage tournament so far, and tonight, we're gonna see new matchups between all of our first-round roasters." "In fact, this is the only time in their lives that any of these people have ever been called "winners."" "This is the quarterfinals." "Four grueling matchups, and the four winners move on to tomorrow's live finale." "Tonight, we'llseeyoungversusold,  geekversusjock, blackversusgay..." "[laughterandcheers]" "Andbecausewe 're inLosAngeles," "MexicanversusanotherMexican." "[cheersandapplause]" "Hola, Wave." "[together] Whoa!" " Hola!" " Here to judge tonight are two of my least judgmental friends." "She's making her return to "Roast Battle."" "She's an Emmy-winning comedian, a political activist," "I love her so, so much." "Sarah Silverman!" "[cheers and applause]" " You boxed?" " Oh, yeah." " Oh!" "[airhornsounds] [cheers and applause]" " Wow." "Gonna be a hot night." "Uh, holy shit." "It's [bleep] rock star John Mayer." "What's up, John?" "[cheers and applause]" " Hey, Jeff." " Awesome, buddy." "Hats off to you, buddy." " Thanks, man." " "Roast Battle" fans know John is a regular judge across the street at The Comedy Store, so thank you for judging the quarterfinals tonight." " It's my pleasure." "For the first ten years of my career," "I was nothing but roasted, so I know it very well." "[laughter]" "Are you maniacs ready?" "[cheers and applause]" "Then make it loud in here... [cheers and applause intensifies]" "For our referee," "Brian mother[bleep] Moses!" "[cheers and applause]" "♪♪" " [chants] Battle!" "all: [chanting] Battle!" " Yeah!" "Hollywood!" "[cheers and applause]" " Let's get right to the first battle of the hateful eight." "This first roaster sashayed his way into the quarterfinals." "Here to bring glory back to his glory hole, it's time to meet flaming queen of mean Joe Dosch!" "[cheers and applause] [classicalmusicplaying]" "♪♪" " I do--aww." "♪♪" "Oh, awesome." " [laughs]" "And his opponent, in her first battle, she ate a piece of chicken off the floor because she's finger-lickin' hood." "Make it loud for Yamaneika Saunders." "[cheers and applause] [hip-hopmusicplaying]" "♪♪" " Yeah!" "♪♪" " Are we wearing the same thing?" " Mm-hmm." " This is" " Fantastic, Moses." " This is hot, Jeff." "We got a sassy black woman versus Yamaneika Saunders." "[laughter]" " This looks like Heavy D versus maître d'." "[laughter]" " Oh, yeah." "Well, you know, if I can be serious, everyone." "It's an honor to roast my comedy hero, Patrice O'Neal." "audience:" "Oh." " Whoa." " Look at this [bleep] with this goddamn jacket on." "Are you serious?" " Yeah." " You look like a gay-ass couch, [bleep]" " That's right I do." " All right, easy, easy, easy." "Easy!" "Easy!" "We haven't started the battle yet." " Wow." "I'm so pumped for this battle." " Yeah." "all: [chanting] Battle!" " You get it!" "[chanting continues]" " Read the rules, Moses." "Tell 'em the rules." " Let's do it!" "Three rules!" "First rule, nothing's off limits except for physical contact." "Please don't touch each other." "We can't afford the hate-crime bill." " Yeah, that's true." " Second rule, original material only." "Third rule, at the end of every battle, we hug." "all:" "Aww." " Doesn't matter!" "Four jokes." "Who wants it?" " Ladies first." " That's right." "[cheers and applause]" " Let's roast!" "[belldinging] - [clears throat]" "Yamaneika was on "The Nightly Show,"" "it was actually "The Daily Show,"" "but she blocks out the sun." "[laughter]" " Wh--what is all of this you doing" "I suck dick too and I don't do all that shit." "Now..." "[laughter]" "I am a big, black woman, and you know I know some fabulous gay men who are fun and energetic, but this [bleep] here is boring as shit." "Now I know you didn't walk out of the closet, but I'm wondering if you got out of a goddamn coma." "Curtsy, [bleep]." "audience:" "Oh." "[laughter]" " Thank you, Lisa Lampa-mammy." "[laughter]" "You know... you know, the first show, Yamie died her hair blue, but she belongs in "The Color Purple."" "audience:" "Oh." " Now Joe used to date a cop, so he has a lot of empathy for black people being manhandled by the police." " Mm-hmm." " The only difference is when he says "I can't breathe"" "it's because he's got a dick in his mouth." " Well..." "[alarmblaring]" "Well, that's just bullying." "Calm down, dear." "I'm not a customer service rep." "I-- [laughter]" "Well, you know..." " Is he serious?" " Mm-hmm." " No you're a makeup designer at MAC." "[bleep], what?" " You know what, Yamie?" "You're a real pain in the butt and a real pain in the neck." "That's because yours start at the same place." "[laughter]" " Clearly I got a neck." "Clearly I got a ass." "[gentleguitarmusicplaying]" " Right." "♪♪" "These'll fit in one of your butt cheeks, right?" " Yeah, it'll fit in your ass 'cause you got a huge ass." "Now as you can tell, he has a lot of racist undertones to him." "So I guess you're trying to be a white power bottom." "You know, you be doing something like," ""Hey, Hitler!" - [laughs]" "Mm, yeah." "[clearing throat]" " Last joke." " Thank you, Sarah Silverback." "audience:" "Oh!" "[laughter]" "Hey, uh, look..." "Hey, all, come on" " But look what he got on." "That's what I don't understand." " Look, look, look, look" " You got a lot of confidence." "You look like you suffer from childhood leukemia, [bleep]." "Shut up." " All right, okay, you know-- look, honestly, Yamie," "I really hope you win the "Roast Battle" trophy." "You can put it next to your Oscar from "Gone With the Wind."" " Okay." "Can you back up?" "Your breath smells like ass." "Now, you may not know this, but Joe is a recovering alcoholic." "He's actually in a 12-step program, and 11 of those steps are him voguing." "[laughter] [tigerroars,belldinging]" " Good job!" " Wow." " That's it." "Joe Dosch, Yamaneika Saunders." "[cheers and applause]" " [grunts] - [laughs]" "Whoo." "Jeff, judges, scrutinize." " I really love watching you two battle." "That was a tour-de-force for both of you." "You worked so hard these last couple days." "So, Sarah, you look like you're ready to say something." "You look a little in shock." " I have so much to say." "I, like--Yaman--first of all, Yamaneika," "I feel like I know you so well because I watched every episode of "Funny Girls..."" " I'm sorry." " And I really loved you on it." " Oh, my God, that's such an honor." "Thank you, Sarah." "I love you too." " Well, I liked it, Jeff." "Yamaneika seemed so mad, but then when you guys hug and the way you're standing right now, it just--it warms my cockles, and, uh, Yamaneika, your use of the N-word is transcendent." "I--it really is." "I can't wait to not try it myself." " So is mine if you get to know me." " But it--there's something about it, and, uh, but Joe, you're a writer." "Your jokes are just perfect." " Thank you." " Um, so it's really, like, a-a writer and just th--a force." " Mm." " Um, shit this is so hard, but I'm gonna give it to Joe." " Thank you, dear." " Just for the writing." "But you're both awesome." " Thank you, baby." " Awesome." " Joe Dosch, up one." " Yamaneika, you came out, you didn't even give a breath." "You just started punching." " It's true." " It was unbelievable." "It was--the bell hadn't even been done ringing and blows were being dealt." "It was beautiful." " Don't say "blows" when Joe's listening." " It is--I know, I shouldn't." " Hey." " You did use wonderful percussive use of a certain word that--that Joe couldn't use, and let's look at this a little bit in a pragmatic way." "He was short that word, you got to use it." "It's a very rhythmic, powerful word." "You made it work for you, but now you're standing next to each other like you're trying to find out how many stars you're gonna get on "Star Search." It's the--you're, like" "it's the "Star Search," like-- "Either one of us." "Whoever it's gonna be."" "Um, I love ending any roast joke with "dick in his mouth."" "It's beautiful." "It doesn't matter how you set it up." "You just say--and then-- but you got-- when you said "white power bottom,"" "that portamento right there... muah!" " Excellent." " I thought it was beautiful." "I thought it was beautiful." "So I'm gonna give it to you Yamaneika because, uh..." " Thank you." " Oh, the tension." " Thank you." " I thought it was-- - 1 to 1." " Yamaneika, the "I can't breathe" joke killed me." "That was so funny." "The voguing thing you did." "So funny." "Your counterpunches tonight, Yamie, were hilarious." "You know, every single night, you get better." "Joe Dosch, holy shit." ""Daily Show"/"Nightly Show," Lisa Lampa-mammy," ""The Color Purple."" "This is such a writer's showcase, and you really had slightly more consistent humor tonight, Joe." "Yamaneika, I think you became a star in comedy this week..." " Yeah." " But I think Joe Dosch won that battle, so congratulations." "[cheers and applause]" " Go--moving on to the final four," "Joe Beats Volcano!" "[hip-hopmusic]" " Battle!" "Battle!" " The thing I want him to do is, like, win it all." "Because then I can say that the champion beat me." "You better not come in second..." " Yeah." " And I ain't gonna have no bragging rights." " Yeah, you don't wanna be" " You better put some fluorescent shit on, some sparkles in your ass, and you better show up." " Todd, I've been [bleep] by a lot of old Jewish guys in my life, andit'stime forthetablestoturn ." "♪♪" "all: [chanting] Battle!" "♪ Wegotthemrabid forbattle♪" " Give it up for our judges." "That's Jeff Ross, Sarah Silverman, and John Mayer." "[cheers and applause]" "And making sure it's not getting too white in here, keep it going for our DJ Coach Tea." "[cheers and applause]" "It's time for the next battle." "Are we ready?" "[cheers and applause]" "Her initials are O.G.," "She's from the OC, and she looks like she's about to OD." "Make it loud for Olivia Grace." "[cheers and applause] [alternativerockmusic]" "♪♪" "Aww." "♪ Have you cut yourself today?" "♪" "Uh..." "[laughter]" "Her opponent is a legend of stand-up comedy." "He's low-energy, but highly offensive." "It's the whispering warrior, Todd Barry!" "[cheers and applause] [rockmusic]" "♪♪" "Whoo, this guy was a punk rock drummer, Jeff, and this is a classic battle of child predator versus child." "[laughter]" " It looks like Gollum versus a girl who will never get a ring." "[laughter]" " Olivia, Todd, who wants to go first?" " I'll go first." " Ooh." " Whoa." " Let's roast!" "[belldinging] [cheers and applause]" " Todd's so creepy," "I pepper sprayed him in the parking lot and he cummed his pants." "[laughter]" " That was good, Olivia." "I hope you put a star next to that one in your Hello Kitty notebook." "[laughter]" "I didn't know much about Olivia, so I went to her website," "[scattered laughter] I know." "[laughter]" "I can call mine," "Todd-is-really-tall-and-has- a-full-head-of-hair-dot-com." "[laughter]" " Todd is part Syrian, and Americans react to Todd the way they react to most Syrians." "By turning off the television." "[laughter]" " All right." "[laughter and applause] [cashregisterdinging]" " You got me, I've been on television." "[laughter] [whistling]" "[bombexplodes,rumbles]" "But you're quite busy yourself with that grueling road tour you do." "God." "I mean, she will perform at laundry-mats from West Hollywood... [laughter]" "All the way to North Hollywood." "[laughter and applause]" "[laughter]" " Yeah!" " Todd looks like he watches "The Human Centipede"" "from a technical standpoint." "[laughter] [metalscrapes] [eerieconspiratorialmusic]" " Ah!" "[metalscrapes]" "♪♪" " I don't know." " [laughing]" " You know, when I first saw Olivia," "I thought, "Wow, that could be my daughter."" "Then I saw a clip of her stand-up and I said," ""Oh, my daughter would have better jokes."" "[laughter] [bombexplodes,rumbles] [laughter and applause]" " Last joke." " I've called Todd creepy a lot tonight, uh, but the truth is, he's just like everybody else." "He puts his girlfriend' skin on one leg at a time." "[laughter] [alarmblaring] [laughter and applause]" " Olivia, I-I wanna end on a positive note and congratulate you on the acting role you just booked in the upcoming movie:" ""The Girl Who Looks Like Every Girl Arrested for Shoplifting at Urban Outfitters."" "[laughter] [belldinging] [cheers and applause]" " Keep it going." "Todd Barry." "Olivia Grace." "This is a close one." "[cheers and applause]" "This is a close one." "[cheers and applause]" "What'd you think" " Hats off to, uh, Olivia and Todd, everybody." "That was really fun to watch." " Yeah." " Yeah, two people who couldn't be more different." "It's like they catfished each other and had to go to "Roast Battle."" "[laughter]" "First impressions, John Mayer?" " First of all, one more time for both these contestants." "That was a master class in roasting." "Rare is the athlete that you enjoy watching perform defense." "Todd Barry, an unbelievable defensive athlete in that last battle." "That was unbelievable." "[cheers and applause]" "Olivia, you used "cummed"" "in the past tense." "Like, like, I've never heard a grandmother say it, but I imagine if they did, they'd say," ""Did you cummed your pants?"" "And I just thought it was so folksy." "Sarah Palin would say "cummed," past tense." "It was beautiful, but you--you kno-- "The Human Centipede,"" "that's all-star level stuff." " Thank you." " I-I just by and edge, I have to give it to you." "It was beautiful." "Olivia." " Olivia." " By--by an edge." "By and edge, I'm sorry." " Thank you." "both:" "By and edge." " Edging." " This is brutal." "I mean, you guys both, your joke structure" "I mean, the choice of word with "cummed" is, you know, it really is brilliant." " I don't think it's worth both of you mentioning it." " I'm sorry." "I can't help it, Todd." " It was not that good." "It was not that good." " Todd--Todd's comebacks." "Todd, he got more bang for his buck because he w-- had a reaction joke, and then the joke, and then, like, a comeback joke." "Olivia, I've been watching you do this since you were 19." "You blow my brains out." "Your an amazing joke writer." "You know, uh, it has nothing to do with your talent and your everything, it's just frosting on the cake that you're beautiful." "You're so the real deal, and Todd, you're one of my oldest and best friends." "Uh, you would listen to my heartbreak," "I would shave your neck." "I'm gonna give it to Todd." "[laughter and applause]" " That was worth it." "[laughs]" " Thank you, Sarah." "See you back at the house." " Jeff, we're tied up." "Do we go to overtime?" " Amazing." "I love how you both killed in first gear." "It was like the tortoise versus the hairless." "[laughter]" " That's--way to shut down the room." "[laughter]" " Olivia, is Todd Syrian?" "Did you make that up?" " No, we had an email back and forth thing yesterday." "[laughs] I" " She emailed me, she said, "Are you Syrian?"" "I said, "Yes."" "[laughter]" " Todd, are you Syrian?" " I'm 1/4 Syrian." "Yes, ma'am." " Putting his girlfriends-- or the skin on one leg" "Olivia, you're a home run hitter." " Thank you." " Todd, you were so" "I've just never seen you be self-deprecating before until tonight, so you really switched this whole thing up." "She's a tough target, and you" " She was." " Yeah, and you found some really great angles." "You're comebacks were on fire." "The "Laundromats" joke." "Holy shit, I was dying." "Olivia, I begged you to be in this tournament because you have some of the best jokes in "Roast Battle."" "You're a home run hitter." "You're 21 years old." "You're getting better, but I think to win, you would have had to knock this guy out," "He's on a roll." "Todd Barry, I'm gonna give this to you." "Congratulations." "[cheers and applause]" " Everybody, Todd Barry!" "[hip-hopmusic]" " Battle!" "Battle!" " I was ner-- it was nerve-wracking for me 'cause it was like, "Holy shit,"" "I saw your Comedy Central special when I was, like 12 years old." "[laughs]" " No offense or anything." " You know, like, six weeks ago or so?" "She's1/ 2white andI 'mfullMexican." "Really, she's, like, a white-back." "Frank,Iloveyou." "I'm gonna kick your dick off." "audience: [chanting] Battle!" " We're back." "And if you're like me, you were too busy getting lost in John Mayer's eyes to remember what happened." "[clicks]" "So here's a recap." "Inourfirstbattle, JoeDoschbeat" "HurricaneYamaneikaSaunders tosecureaspot inthesemifinals." "Andintheotherbattle, ToddBarrydefeated" "OliviaGrace, alsoearninghisspot intomorrow'slivefinale." "[cheers and applause]" "Who will they face?" "The winners of these next two battles, obviously." "So let's get it on!" "[cheers and applause]" "Our next roaster beat his best friend and pimped out his mom to get here." "Ichiwawa." "Get ready for a new world boarder, Frank Castillo." "[Latinmusic]" "♪♪" "Wow." " Don't even speak Spanish." " [laughing]" "His opponent looks like Selena and is as vicious as the woman who shot her." "Keep it going for Anna Valenzuela." "[Latinmusic]" "♪♪" "Jeff, what do you think about this battle?" " Uh, as one of the producers of the show," "I'm very excited about this battle because these two are working twice as hard for half as much." "I love them both." "They are both regular battlers from the original battle room that mostly started across the street." "They are two of the best, and they're both Mexican, so what could be more hilarious?" " [laughing]" "Yeah, you two, just remember whoever wins, that wall is still being built." "Who wants to go first?" " I'll go first." " Whoa, gentleman." "We ready for this?" "[cheers]" "All right." "Pom, deuce, horchata, guacamole, legal, illegal, let's roast." "[bell dinging]" " Anna with makeup looks like Gene Simmons without makeup." "[laughter]" " Good one, gardener gnome." "Frank and I are both whitewashed Mexicans." "I'm half Irish and Frank is covered in cum." "[laughter]" " I'm not saying Anna's ugly, but she is getting paid in carrots and sugar cubes." "[laughter]" " Oh." "Fran said he's gonna propose to his girlfriend if he wins this tournament, so it's nice to know that Frank's girlfriend is rooting for me." "[laughter] [tires screeching] [crashing]" " Anna could pass for a Trump." "She's got the body of Melania, the brains of Ivanka, and her womb is Barron." "[audience groaning]" " That's a good joke, guys." "That was fun." "That was really fun." "Frank looks like a testicle... dropping out of college." "[laughter]" " Last joke." " Anna's boyfriend is like Colt 45 because he comes in a brown paper bag." "[laughter] [beeping]" " Ahh!" " Like Moses!" " Your girlfriend talks to you like you're a [bleep] bitch." " [laughing]" " Or as the rest of us call it, appropriately." "[laughter] [bell dinging]" " That's it, that's it." "The bell rang away." "Anna Valenzuela, Frank Castillo." " I'm confused." "How are you two related again?" " We're all related, right?" " No, that was outstanding." "I really love you both." "Give them a round of applause, please." "Frank Castillo, from working at The Comedy Store to coming over here and being a quarterfinalist on "Roast Battle," so cool." "Sarah, do you want to weigh in on these two?" " Frank, really great jokes." "Really strong." "The horse face jokes are just not funny to me." "[laughter]" "I think that's over the line." " Gracias, I got you." "I got you." " The covered in cum joke is a great twist." "Really good writing." "You're both fantastic." "I'd probably give it to Frank." "Technically with the jokes." " Aye." "Una,porque ." " Anna, it's good to see you again." "I actually saw Anna at the "Roast" the first time." " Yeah, you've judged me before." " I've judged you before." "I've judged you ever since every time I see you." "[laughter]" "Okay." " You're very funny." " Tha--I'm trying." "Thank you." "Why did you have to slow my rhythm like that?" "I was" " Sorry." " No, I'm kidding." "Really great." "You look beautiful, by the way, tonight." "Really great." " Thank you." " People have taken enough shots at you." "I had a good one, but I'm not gonna say it." "You look fantastic." "Frank, you started out." "You were very--you were going with the sort of physical and the--and that was cool." "And I was like, "When's he gonna change over,"" "and then you hit with the Barron joke." "That was fantastic." "That was a multi-faceted burn." "I think even Anna understood that when it hit." "I love watching someone who's getting roasted have to give it up in the moment of the roast." "Like, "Ah, shit, that's really great." "That always excites me." "And so I'm gonna have to give it to Frank on this one for a very well round." " Ah, Jeffrey, make it official." " Right out of the gate, Frank, the Gene Simmons joke, but John's right, the Barron joke is so funny." "You were working every angle, dude." "Keeping it current." "I think if you're gonna win this tournament, you're gonna have to up your game a little bit because the final couple you're gonna go against are gonna be great performers." " Mm-hmm." " And Anna Valenzuela, holy shit." "You know what?" "You're so entertaining and fun to watch." "I think tonight" " Thank you." " I actually think tonight, you went from being an amateur comedian to being a professional comedian, so congratulations." " Ah." " Frank Castillo." " Homeless Depot beats Home Depot," "Frank Castillo." "[cheers and applause]" " Her performance is just amazing." "She's just in your face." "She's just-- it'slikethecrowd's noteventhere." "It'slikeyou'regetting inanargument withyourHispanicgirlfriend." " My whole thing is if I'm gonna go down," "I'm gonna go down swinging, so..." " And she did." " [laughing]" " Alex, your face looks like The Thing mid-transition to becoming The Thing." "MatthewBroussard,Icannot waittoshoveyourface  inthedirtand holdituntil  youcanno longerbreathe." "audience: [chanting] Battle!" " Louder!" "audience: [chanting] Battle!" " You guys ready for the final matchup of the quarterfinals?" "[cheers and applause]" "Yeah." "Let's fight." "Jeffrey, who you got with you?" " Ah, our buddy, Jason Reitman, great movie director, hanging out with his buddies over here." "Jason, you made a short film about "Roast Battle."" "You love "Roast Battle."" "Why do you love "Roast Battle" so much?" " You know, my mom always told me if you have nothing nice to say, make sure it's funny." "[laughter]" " Are you enjoying the battles tonight?" " Oh, I'm having the best time, although I have to say," "I think Olivia Grace should have won." "I think she's a [bleep] star." " Battle!" "Battle!" " Oh, a little biased." "audience: [chanting] Battle!" " Sarah, you were a big supporter of Bernie and Hillary." "Do you think you can pick some winners tonight?" "[laughter]" " Clearly not." " What do I know?" "The last guy I voted for was Ruben Studdard." " Battle!" "Battle!" "audience: [chanting] Battle!" " All right." "audience: [chanting] Battle!" " This next battler is an all-American psycho." "His looks can kill as hard as his jokes do." "Give it up for the great white privilege," "Matthew Broussard." "[upbeatmusic]" "♪♪" "Oh, yeah." "To simply put it, his opponent--oh, go ahead." " Moses, hold on." "I want to just let you know one thing." "Matthew told me the other night that one of the reasons he got into comedy was because he was a big fan of John's." " Me?" " Yeah?" " Me?" " You're the reason I do standup." "A lot of people-- he does comedy." "In college, I would listen to your live recordings, and you'd riff these jokes between songs that were really good, and that was when I realized you can be funny while staying true to yourself as a cocky," "pretentious douche bag, and I always loved that." "[laughter]" " That's why he's here." "[alarm blaring]" " Yes, it's on!" " Oh, my." "Let me up on that stage." "What song are you gonna play?" "[laughter]" " I mean, John, you have so many amazing hits" "Jessica Simpson, Katy Perry..." "Taylor Swift." "[laughter]" " Oh, my goodness." " To simply put it, his opponent is just a [bleep] weirdo." "He loves Burning Man, he writes great burns, and he looks like he's been set on fire." "Light it up for Alex Hooper." "[upbeatdancemusic]" "♪♪" "Jeff, this is the only sporting competition where we don't drug test." " Thank God." " [laughing]" " Moses, this looks like the angel and the devil sitting on your shoulders." " Hmm, who's who?" " Oh, my God." " You both had such dominant performances in the last round." "As a fan, I'm excited to see this one, for sure." " Oh, yeah." " You make me high being next to you." "It's one round." "Who wants the first shot?" " Oh, I'll go first." " Let's just do it!" "Let's roast!" "[bell dinging]" " Ladies and gentlemen of "Roast Battle,"" "give it up for my opponent, Ken doll Jenner." "[laughter]" "You gorgeous, aristocratic queef." "You--you look like a man who would stab his horse after losing a polo match." "[laughter]" " I look like a Ken doll." "You look like a Chucky doll after a house fire." "[laughter]" "Let's address the elephant man in the room." "Alex is only 31 years old." "If wrinkles add character, he has a very strong Gmail password." "[laughter]" " Thank you, Hugh Jackmanoff." "Matthew has a degree in mathematics and builds models." "He's such a nerd that when a girl asked him to fill up her box, he completed a Sudoku." "[snoring sound effect]" " Alex Hooper is why you don't feed Richard Simmons after midnight." "[laughter] [dramaticmusic] [car alarm blaring]" " Battle!" "Battle!" "[car alarm blaring]" " What the [bleep]?" " Let me tell you all a tale." "[chuckles]" "Before comedy, Matthew worked as a financial anal-ist." "In fact, his family has been" "Merrill Lynching black people for years." "[laughs and groans]" " See, the thing is I don't want to say anything too mean about Alex because then I'm gonna feel bad when he dies of whatever it is he has." "[laughter]" " Last joke." " Thank you, Aryan Seacrest." "[laughter]" "Matthew is such an alt-right Jew... he spells Hanukkah with three Ks." "[laughter] [thunder booms]" " Alex is actually a working actor." "He does pretty well for himself." "He just cast on the new season of "Law and Order:" "Burn Victims Unit."" "[laughter, bell dinging]" " Last battle of the quarterfinals." "Alex Hooper, Matthew Broussard." "Judges, do some of that judging shit." " Wow." "That was truly hilarious." "Matthew, he was like your imaginary friend that you don't believe in anymore." "[laughter]" " Oh, my God." " I love both of these comedians so, so much." "Alex Hooper, super, super [bleep] amazing performance tonight." "And, Broussard, stoic, just under all that craziness." " I only came here for the hug." " Sarah?" " This is really hard." "I mean" " So was Alex." " Alex" " That's all it is." " Alex could easily be form over function." "You would think that your writing wouldn't be as strong because you're kind of all performance, but it is." "The KKK-Hanukkah thing is really great and everything." "Matthew, you are a great writer." "Elephant man in the room," "Wave, did you guys decide on the elephant underwear when he said elephant man in the room or just coincidence?" "all:" "Whoa!" " Okay, sorry, who won?" "[bleep]!" "Ah, shit!" "Do you want to" " Am I tagging in on this?" " Tag in on this." " That's fine." " Should I pander to you as well first, Jonathan?" " You know what?" "Because his-- he's got a whole character." " [laughing] Everything's gonna be fine." "The whole thing." " But in terms of, like, joke writing," "I mean, I would give it to Matthew, but Alex is kind of the whole package." "Alex, I can't even figure out your outfit." "First of all, you know I love a fashion tight, but where do you tuck your vagina?" " Right into my asshole, Sarah." "Exactly where it belongs." " Of course." "Who won this for you?" "Do you know?" " He's part cat." " I am neither male nor female." "I am simply here." "[laughter]" " I find that genuinely beautiful, I do." " Well, Matthew, you got him hard on dies from whatever it is he has 'cause it's funny." "The Gmail password joke, very abstract." "Very abstract." " That alone I feel like wins it for him." " Loved it, loved it." "And Richard Simmons, of course, it's always great when you can say something we've all thought, but never really articulated to ourselves." "And that's what I was thinking without knowing it." "So I got to give it to Matthew." "I'm gonna give it to Matthew." " Oh." "All right, Jeff, who do you like?" " Ugh, such an amazing, amazing performance on both your parts." "Alex, you had some of the best jokes" "I've ever heard you tell today." " Thank you." " You brought your game to this tournament." "You were so funny the other night." "You did something completely different tonight." "But, Matthew, your writing tonight, holy shit." "Gmail password." "The whole thing." "I was blown away by the way you-- you really redeemed yourself in the last tournament." "You went out way too soon, and now look at you." "You made the finals, buddy." "Congratulations." " Whoa!" " Thank you." " He wins in life, and he wins right now" "Matthew Broussard!" "[cheers and applause]" "The semifinals are set." "When we come back, I'll tell you who's battling live tomorrow night." "I'll announce some more of our celebrity judges, and Sarah's gonna let The Wave smash." ""Roast Battle." It's on!" "Battle!" "audience: [chanting] Battle!" " If I'm going to lose to anyone," "I'm glad it was you, sir." "Come here." "Mmm." "That's all I really wanted anyway." "audience: [chanting] Battle!" "audience: [chanting] Battle!" " Oh, can you guys believe it?" "We are down to the final four." "Here's what happened tonight." "Inanepicbattle, FrankCastillobeat" "AnnaValenzuelato face JoeDoschin thenextround." "Andthatwasfollowed byMatthewBroussard defeatingAlexHooper tomoveon  againstToddBarry inthesemifinals, tomorrownightlive." "[cheers and applause]" "This battle's gonna be crazy and vicious. to watch highlights, update your bracket, and all the crazy stuff that happens here the minute we stop rolling." "Jeff, wild tournament." "How's your bracket looking?" " I think any four of these guys can win the whole thing." "And the fact that we're getting to do this on the Sunset Strip, give it up to Comedy Central for building this arena." "[cheers and applause]" "Whenever we ask you to "Roast Battle" judge." "you always say yes first." "Thank you so much." "You're a real friend." " I say I'm terrible at this." " If you're in Portland or Seattle next week, go see Sarah live." "She's coming to town real soon." "Love you so much, babe." " Vancouver." " John Mayer's putting out four songs a month." "Is that true?" " Yeah, yeah, thank you." "Little pieces." "Putting out my record in pieces." " Why are you working that hard?" "You're already getting laid, dude." " Uh, because I have a crippling void inside me that can never be filled." " [laughing]" "Thank you for judging, man." " You're welcome." " Great job to our judges, everybody." " Judge Mayer." "All right, tomorrow night, we're going totally live, and we're declaring a new "Roast Battle" champion." "[cheers and applause]" "The winning roaster will have to win two battles back to back to take home that trophy." "And for a night this big, we need to expand the judges' dais." "We'll be joined tomorrow by an all-star team of comics." "T.J. Miller, Natasha Leggero," "Jason Sudeikis, Patton Oswalt, and the Roastmaster General, Jeffrey Ross." "[cheers and applause]" "Five judges, two rounds, only one champion." "We'll see you tomorrow night." ""Roast Battle II:" "War of the Words."" "Same battle time, same battle channel." "Live AF." "[hip-hopmusic]" "♪ Wegotthem rabidforbattle♪" "♪♪" "♪Wegotthem rabidforbattle♪" "♪♪" "♪Wegotthem rabidforbattle♪" "♪♪" "♪Wegotthem rabidforbattle♪" "I loveyou,everybody."