"When was the last time you really slept a night?" "Let's just work, all right?" "[MAN 1 GRUNTS]" "[MAN 2 GRUNTS]" "DEAN:" "Killer clown." "I know what you're thinking, Sam." " Why did it have to be clowns?" "SAM:" "Give me a break." "DEAN:" "Ha, you didn't think I remember." "You still bust out crying whenever you see Ronald McDonald." " I'm not afraid of flying." " Planes crash." "And clowns kill." "[CLOWN GRUNTS]" "[PANTING]" "It's okay." "They can't hurt you." "They can't hurt you." "If it bleeds, you can kill it." "Yeah." "If it bleeds, you can kill it." "[LAUGHING]" "[GRUNTING]" "[BANGING ON DOOR]" "[LAUGHING]" "[CLOWN 2 LAUGHS]" "[CACKLES]" "[PHONE RINGING]" "Hello?" "[DOOR CLOSES]" "I am the egg man." "Seriously, Frank, pay phones?" "Come on." "Uh..." "I'm getting the clap off this thing just touching it." "Fred Savage?" "Really?" "Yeah." "No, I know." "Big Mouths are everywhere." "Uh, well, since you asked some actual intel on the Dick Roman guy would be nice." "Fine." "All right." "Yeah, good looking out." "Hope he finds something quick." "This protocol du jour thing's creeping my cheese." "So we got dick on Dick?" " Vivid way of putting it." " Heh." "Find anything on Wonder Woman?" "No." "There probably won't be." "They are definitely gone." "But might have found something in Kansas." "All right, well, let's do it." "But a few simple rules, okay?" "No babies." " Heh." "DEAN:" "No baby mamas, no bars no booze, no hot chicks of any kind." " Heh, wait." "Did you just say...?" " Hey." "You spawn a monster baby see how quick you wanna dive back in the pool." "DEAN:" "Ooh." " Those are not the fun kind of hickeys." " You're saying an octopus did this?" "Not just any octopus." "Based on welt diameter, Enteroctopus dofleini." "And for those of us who skipped the Enteroctopus class?" "Giant Pacific Octopus." " How giant we talking, doc?" " Approximately 30 feet." "[SCOFFS]" "I mean, aren't giant octopi rare around here?" "Yet here we are." "So, what happens, guy comes home, cracks a beer and gets suckered to death?" "Obviously, this was some kind of freak fetish attack." "Someone created those hickey marks, then bled the man out." " Bite look vampy to you?" " Yeah, no question." "So, what are we looking for?" "An OctoVamp?" "Vamptopus?" " That's crazy even for us, right?" " It does push the envelope." "Let's go chat up the widow." "SAM:" "We're very sorry for your loss, ma'am." "Mrs. Harper, we know this is, uh, bad timing but we have a few routine questions we need to ask." "Is that okay?" "Yeah." "Did the house feel any different lately?" " Different?" "SAM:" "Anything strange." "Cold spots." "Uh, did you smell anything weird?" " Maybe sulfury." " No." "Not that I can remember." "Okay, we're just ticking all the boxes here." "Um..." "What about any skeletons in your husband's closet?" "Skeletons?" "What do you mean?" "Can you think of anybody who would wanna do him harm?" "A colleague, an old flame." "The tiniest detail could really help." "You wanna know what he was up to lately ask Stacey." "She was here the night he died." " Um, Stacey?" " Our nanny." "Any other questions?" "No, that's, um..." "Thank you." "You've been a big help." "Really appreciate the hospitality, ma'am." "[DOOR OPENS]" "[DOOR CLOSES]" "Mom, Dad, nanny." "Boy, that is a love triangle right out of Casa Erotica." "Of course, in those, the jealous wife tends to channel her feelings more productively." "[SAM SCOFFS]" "Only thing I can't wrap my mind around is..." "How wife lady summoned an OctoVamp?" "More like why?" "Kind of impractical, right?" "Yeah." "All right, one of us needs to go talk to the naughty nanny the other one shake down the place, see what we're dealing with." " All right." "I'm on the nanny." " I'm on the nanny." "Heh, I thought you said no hot chicks." "We don't know that she's hot." "Now, uh, how would you describe your relationship with the deceased?" "STACEY:" "I don't know." "Normal, I guess." " Normal?" " Well, I mostly dealt with Debra." "There was nothing going on, if that's what you mean." "Debra said you were at the house late the night that, uh, Brian died." "Yeah." "Brian was working late, so I stayed with Kelly." " She was pretty upset." " Why's that?" "Well, it was her birthday." "We had a party at Plucky's." "Plucky's." "Why does that sound familiar?" "Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie?" "Pizza chain for kids." "Actually, more for lazy parents." "Anyway, her dad showed up for five minutes then he went back to work." "And, of course, her mom was out of town." "This stupid kid told Kelly her folks didn't really love her." "She freaked." "I was calming her down for hours." "Uh, did you notice anything weird at the house?" "Weird like?" "Anything." "Even a bad feeling." "No, nothing like that." "Actually, Kelly does have a weird thing about closets." "Heh, but it's just kid stuff." "Try me." "She thinks there's a monster in her closet." "Drives everyone crazy." "Heh." "SAM [OVER PHONE]:" "Hey." " Hey, we talked to the wrong person." "SAM:" "What?" " Forget the mom." "Talk to the daughter." "She's mad at her dad for ditching her birthday." "SAM:" "You think, uh, a birthday wish gone wrong?" "Something like that?" " I don't know." "Could be." "SAM:" "I got a 20 on her now." "DEAN:" "Can you get to her without tripping the Amber Alert?" " I'll try." " All right, see what you can find out." "[CAR DOOR OPENS]" "SAM:" "What you working on there?" "I know who you are." " You do?" "KELLY:" "Mm-hm you're the guy that talked to my mom." "Heh, that's right, I did." "DEBRA:" "Kelly?" "Where are you, honey?" "Something wrong?" "My mom will get mad if I talk to you." "Um..." " How come?" " Because of what I told the police." "What did you tell the police?" "I told them that I tried to warn my dad." "That the monster would get him." "[DOOR OPENS]" "Kelly?" "Come here, now." "Kelly." "[DOOR CLOSES]" "[SIGHS]" "[MAN PANTING]" "[HORSE NEIGHS]" "[GRUNTS]" "[GROANING]" "[GRUNTS]" "[SNORTS THEN NEIGHS]" "[ALL GRUNTING]" "If it bleeds, you can kill it." "[LAUGHING]" "Ooh." "[CACKLING]" "[ALL GRUNTING]" "[SIREN WAILING]" "Huh." "Hey, um..." "Okay, so the horse I get, the hoof prints the jumping over the fence, but, uh, what ran him through?" "Best I can tell you is something big." "So, what like a lance?" "Sad." "Lady's gotta pull her frigging 8-year-old out of school and tell him his dad's dead." "Excuse me." "Excuse me, ma'am." "Agent Jones, FBI." "I'm sorry, I really need to go." "Okay." "Uh, just one quick question, if you don't mind." "Um, was yesterday your son's birthday?" "Billy's birthday?" "No." "Why would you ask that?" "Nothing." "Never mind." "Oh." "But his father did take him to a friend's birthday party yesterday." "[WHIMPERS]" "[CELL PHONE RINGING]" " Hey." "DEAN:" "Hey." "You remember a chain called Plucky Pennywhistle's?" " No." " Really?" " Could've sworn you loved those places." "SAM:" "No, dude, I hated them." "Uh, you would dump me and go trolling for chicks." "It's not like I left you in jail." "Those places are fun." "Fun?" "Uh, they're lame." "And they smell like puke, and the ice cream is all grainy." "DEAN:" "Don't have one of your episodes, okay?" "I hit a dead end with this whole wishes-gone-wild thing but both kids were at Plucky's day of." "Go check out the local Plucky's, ask about this Billy kid." "Look, man, uh, why don't I just wait for you to get back?" "No can do, hermano." "I'm on my way to talk to Billy." "Oh, why don't I talk to Billy right now?" "Heh, wait, wait, wait." "This isn't about, uh, your clown thing, is it?" "What?" "SAM:" "No." " Sammy." "No." "Heh." "What in the world did they do to you?" "All right, you know what?" "Never mind." "Just know that 99.99 percent of all clowns can't hurt you, okay?" "And if it bleeds, you can kill it." "If it bleeds, you can kill it." "WOMAN:" "Have fun." "SAM:" "I'm too old for this." "[CHILDREN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]" "BOY:" "Heh, oh, yeah." "WOMAN:" "Welcome to Plucky Pennywhistle's." "Have fun, ha-ha-ha." "[CLOWN LAUGHS]" "CLOWN:" "Welcome to Plucky..." "Welcome to Plucky's, where all your dreams are good." "Could you just maybe...?" "Just get the manager for me?" "Okay." "[CACKLES]" "Welcome to Plucky Pennywhistle's." "Welcome to Plucky Pennywhistle's." "[CHUCKLES]" "WOMAN:" "A medium pixie pizza is ready for pickup." "I just need you to stay sane for three more hours, okay?" "Here." "Finish your homework." "Like I can concentrate in here." "[BELL RINGING]" "GIRL:" "There's this really cool game." "MAN:" "Yeah?" "GIRL:" "Have you seen it?" "Real beauties, huh?" "We rotate them out once a week." "Kids love having their art on the wall." "[BELLS RINGS]" "Draw your worst fear?" "I know." "But we don't post the truly evil stuff." "Just the standard crap like sharks and ghosts." " Jean Holiday, shift manager." " Johnson, FBI." "So, heh, tell me why even ask the kids to draw creepy stuff to begin with?" "It's just an exercise some pop psychologist came up with." "Plus the owner is obsessed with "aiding children's development."" "So the placemat is a safe way to get kids to talk about their fears." "We get them to sketch it in the little box and voila, Plucky magically transforms it into rainbows and candy." "Personally, I think it's a load of hooey, but they say if these fears run wild then it affects kids long into their adulthood." "[CHUCKLES]" "Yeah, I've heard that." "Um..." "So I don't know if you'll remember but there was, uh, a kid in here yesterday named Billy Pogue, for a party." " Oh, the conniption kid." " Conniption?" "He had a...?" "No, no, not him." "He was fine." "It was his dad." "He pulls the kid away before cake and presents." "The kid asked to stay for five minutes the dad pulls a full frontal douche bag, starts screaming." "I was embarrassed for the kid." "WOMAN:" "Any available Plucky, please come to the front desk." "We have a birthday party waiting to happen." "Any available Plucky..." "[MAN WHISTLES]" "[WHISTLES]" "Hey." "[CHILDREN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]" "You a cop?" "Uh, yeah." "I'm a fed." "What are you investigating?" "A couple of crazy deaths." "Why, something you wanna share?" "Look, not now." "Too many eyes." "Yeah." "Come back after closing." "Hey." "So, uh, what's the lowdown with trauma town?" "I can tell you, uh, neither vic was up for parent of the year." "Kelly's dad skipped her birthday, and Billy's dad pulled one of those dick-parent scenes that makes everyone cringe." " What the hell are these?" " Kid therapy." "Um, you draw your worst nightmare, poof, Plucky fixes it." "Um, they hang them up on this big wall." "Well, can't argue with this." "Leprechauns are deadly." "[SAM SCOFFS]" "Okay, so Kelly draws a monster and then that goes after her father, that's what we're saying?" "Here's the thing, they label those." "And guess which two were missing." "Well, name tag was there, no placemat." " Little Miss OctoVamp." " Yeah." "And Billy." "Ahem, so somehow, whatever he drew came to life and killed his dad riding a horse." "Close, but no Seabiscuit." "Ahem, see, I went and had a little chat with Billy and he drew me this." "Wait." "So now unicorns are evil?" "Yeah, obviously." "Great." "Well, now the question is how did a unicorn come off a sketch and kill Billy's dad?" "How's any of this happening?" "Well, that's it for me." " Guess I'll head out." " Uh, one more thing." "Some kid puked in the ball pit." "It's gonna need a full sanitization." "Do that, and then you can clock out." "[MACHINE POWERING ON]" "[SCREAMS]" "[SCREAMS]" "[GRUNTS]" "[GRUNTS]" "[SCREAMING]" "[PANTING]" "[DISPATCHER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER RADIO]" "OFFICER 1:" "Coming through." " All right." "OFFICER 2:" "Good." "Got it?" "Hold on one second there, guys." "SAM:" "Keep in touch." "Uh, thank you." "DEAN:" "So?" "Manager found the body in the ball pit, blood everywhere." " Cops have a theory?" " The ball washer did it." " The what?" " The ball washer." " The what?" " The ball..." "Look at this." "[INHALES]" "Thank you, gentlemen." "Thanks." " That's a shark bite." " Yeah." "And, uh, judging from the radius, I'd say a 20-footer at least." "Shark Week, man." "How do you not watch that?" "A whole week of sharks." ""Omar Cooper." Heh." "How much you wanna bet Omar here was scared of sharks?" "Saul the janitor is connected how?" "He's not related to Omar." "No." "But Saul had something he wanted to tell me." "So this isn't about ganking some dickweed parent?" "More like, uh, silencing a whistleblower." "Great." "So whatever we're looking for can literally fire off childhood fears at will." "Well, watch out for evil lunch ladies." "All right." "Let's comb this place." "[SIGHS]" "Seriously?" "Dractopus, Seabiscuit the Impaler, Land Shark, what's next?" "Okay, Tyler, that's it." "You gotta take the bus from here." " But I thought..." " I can't, I'm sorry, I'm late." "Here." "Stay out of trouble." "[SAM GRUNTS]" "[BOTH CACKLING]" "[GRUNTING]" "SAM:" "Unh." " Oh." "Oh." "Unh, oh!" "[BOTH CACKLING]" "[SCREAMS]" "Maybe a tulpa?" "No, killings are too spread out." "True." "Um..." "Angel?" "It's a little imaginative for the God Squad, don't you think?" "[SIGHS]" "Right." "So what?" "Yeah, I don't know, I'm tapped out." "Well, whatever it is, at least we know where it is." "Plucky's." "That's where the victims are getting picked up." "Yeah, but we swept the place last night, and nada." "I can go back, grill the employees, maybe dig up some dirt." "What good's that gonna do?" "They think you're a fed." "The one guy who was gonna rat, he got Bruce'd." "Anybody knows anything, they're not gonna tell you." "All right, yup, that's the plan." "I'll go back, play bad cop, really lean into them." " And?" " And when I'm done, you watch them." "If somebody freaks out, then that's our creep." "Or he'll lead us closer, and you can track him." "Well, what's my cover?" "I don't know, just hang back." "Act normal." "Yeah." "Yeah, a guy in his 30s hanging out at Plucky's alone." "That's normal." "That's not pervy at all." "WOMAN:" "It doesn't matter what people say." "We've roped it off." "I've notified the powers that be." "Everyone's aware." "[SAM CLEARS THROAT]" " Just no one goes in the..." " Hi." "Agent." " Bet I know why you're here." " How's business?" "Turns out not even grim flipping death can slow down the birthday fun." "Hmm." "We roped off the ball pit though, until corporate can get here." "I can't believe the machine did Saul in like that." "That makes two of us." "I'm gonna need to talk to some of your employees." " Like who?" " Like you." "MAN 1:" "Bye." "MAN 2:" "He's so funny." "You want some more?" "MAN 1:" "See you later." "GIRL:" "Bye." "Hi." "Oh, yeah." "MAN 1:" "You finished, buddy?" "WOMAN:" "Here you go, honey." "[BELL RINGING]" "Howdy, friend." "Giant slinky." "Would've killed for one of those when I was a kid." "How much?" " One thousand tickets." " American dinero." "Oh, we don't take cash at Plucky Pennywhistle's." "Only tickets won through hard work and determination, heh." "You mainlined the Kool-Aid?" "[CHUCKLING]" "It's double-ticket Tuesday if you play Skee-Ball." "BOY:" "Heh, oh, yeah." "Howdy, friend." "Where were you last night?" "Well, here, obviously." "I found him." "I was by the cash register the whole time." "There's a security camera pointed right at the counter." " The cops already looked at it." " Uh-huh." "And you heard nothing?" "I heard the ball blaster." "I didn't hear him, if I did I would've run in, of course." "Yeah, right." "Right." "So that's your excuse?" "My what?" " Look, I know I'm new to this job, but..." " What?" " How new?" " Couple weeks." "Just got promoted." "Hmm." "So, uh, is there a lot of competition for the gig?" "I guess." "It comes with benefits." "The bosses had us all write essays about how we would do our best for the kids, and they picked me." "Don't be shocked, but I actually did two semesters at college, so..." "I'm not in any kind of trouble, am I?" "I don't know." "Why don't you tell me?" "Look, I know I'm not perfect, but I'm trying." "And, I mean, it's not as if I'd ever do anything illegal." "Sure you wouldn't." "[CHILDREN YELLING INDISTINCTLY]" "MAN [OVER PA]:" "Megan Eastberg, your mom's waiting for you at the front desk." "Megan, please find your mom at the front desk." "[MACHINE BEEPING]" "Special agent, wow, ha, ha." "I want you to know, sir, I really appreciate what you do..." "Quiet." "Hey." "Stop cheating." "You heard him." "Knock it off." "[IN UNISON] Jackass." "Tyler, soup's on." "TYLER:" "But, Mom, I don't want..." "WOMAN:" "Eat it." " But it sucks." " Ugh." "Why don't you cut her some slack?" " Why do you care?" " Because I been where you are." "Your mom made you camp at a stupid Plucky's after school?" "No." "No, but my dad, he, uh, hauled me places." "Besides, she's working a tough gig, you know, she's exhausted." "You should take pity on the old." " And, hey, free grub." " That stuff tastes like butt." "What?" "Come on, it can't be that bad." "Let's see here." "Ah..." "That is butt." " You scared of robots?" " They have laser eyes." "Yes." "KID:" "Excuse me." " Howdy, friend." "What's your name?" " Evan." " Hi." "Lose the head." "Why'd you do it?" "Do what?" "I think you know." "I..." "I got rights." "You can't..." "I'm the government, I can do whatever I want." "Okay." "I'll talk." "Dean!" "Hey." "Hey." "Come here." "Hey." "[BOTH GRUNTING]" "[ALL PANTING]" "If this is about the meth lab that fireballed up, it wasn't me." "It was my brother, but we got the same fingerprints and..." "Please, this is the best job I ever had." " All right, look, uh..." " Cliff." "Cliff." "You're not using kids' nightmares to smoke people, are you, Cliff?" "I don't think so." "DEAN:" "Get up." " What's going on?" "All right, cards up." "We don't care that you, uh, broke bad or whatever." " There is some seriously weird going on." " You mean in the subbasement." "This place has a subbasement?" "Sure." "Door's out back." " Easy to miss if you don't know." " What's in there?" "Alls I know is me and Saul used to come in afterhours sometimes and..." "[CHUCKLING]" "You ever shroom in a ball pit?" "Not that I would, agents." "It was Saul." "Just Saul." "All alone." "Anyway, sometimes we'd hear, like, spooky stuff through the vents." "Coming up from the boiler room." "Okay, kiddo, let's go." " But somebody stole it." " So draw another one." "Okay?" "We gotta go." "Okay, I'm sorry." "[SIGHS]" " Thank you." " That placemat sucked anyway." " Dean, what?" "What is it?" " While you were out being Dirty Harry uh, Tyler's mom got pissy with him, and now his placemat's missing." "So, what do you think?" "I think that bitchy mom, plus, uh, sad kid plus, uh, placemat with something nuts written on it equals wacky corpse." "You think she's next on the list?" " I'll tail them, to be safe." "You..." " Check the boiler room." "Right." "Oh, Dean." "Dean." " Uh, any idea what he drew?" " Robot." " Robot?" " About the size of a house." "Shoots destruct-o-beams out of its eyes." " At least I'll see it coming." " Yeah." "Now, that's perfectly normal." "MAN:" "Drop it." "Drop it." "Mm-hm." "Now kick it over." "Some pretty heavy Hoodoo you got here." "I gotta say, as far as I know, none of these things, uh could poop out a unicorn." "There's power in fear." "And when a child draws what he's afraid of a little of that mojo ends up on the page." "So what, you toss it in the fire and some bed-wetter's horror show comes to life?" "I gotta get something off the parent too." "Something they own." "That bit gets tricky, heh." "Well, hasn't seemed to slow you down." "I'm just doing what I need to." "Okay, heh, okay." "I get it." "Okay?" "[MAN GRUNTS]" "No drawing, no Iron Giant." "Oh." "That B word is still on the list." "But not tonight." "Bigger fish." "What, are you gonna shoot me, Howard?" "You really want a body on your hands?" "Blood everywhere." "I'd shut up." "Because I got lots of ways to take care of bullies." "Don't you worry." "Like that FBI guy." "He's your pal, right?" "I saw you chase Cliff down." "Five minutes ago, his business card was torched along with something from my personal collection." "[CHUCKLES]" "Yeah, I picked it out real special for him too." "Soon as I saw him, I noticed." "He was staring at every little Plucky like it was gonna stab him or something." "[GASPS]" "Guy's got a real thing about clowns." "[CACKLING]" "[GRUNTS]" "[CLOWNS CACKLING]" "[GRUNTING]" "Well, hey, these are, uh, really nice dolls." "Did you paint them yourself?" "Oh." "Uh, frigging Plucky." "Plucky helps kids." "That's all I ever wanted to do." "And when the management slot opened up, I..." "But they passed me over." "Shocker." "I told them no one cares more than me but suits never listen." "So I'm doing it my way." "Let me get this straight." "You didn't get the good parking space, so you start dropping bodies?" "Those parents were horrible." "They deserve what they got." " What about Saul?" " Saul had a big mouth." "[SAM GRUNTING AND CLOWN CACKLING]" "Some guy hits on the babysitter, all of a sudden he's the world's worst dad?" "A good parent puts his kids first." "And having a little girl watch her pop get ganked by the closet monster that's putting her first?" " In the long run, they'll be better off." " You think so?" "Really?" " I would have been." "So your brother what happened to him?" " It's not my fault, it's theirs." "Ooh!" "Ow!" "DEAN:" "Looks to me like he drowned." "I was screaming but my folks, they didn't listen." "They never listened." " It was an accident?" " They let him die." "Ha-ha-ha!" "[GRUNTING]" "I'll bet you still have nightmares." " Bet you haven't been in the water since." " Shut up!" "Because you're afraid." "No!" "It wasn't my fault." "I'm sorry." "[GASPING]" "[SCREAMING]" "[SAM GRUNTS]" "[SIGHS]" "Let's roll." "Go ahead, say it." "[LAUGHING]" "I'm sorry." "You look like you got attacked by some PCP-crazed strippers." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "Dude, one of them sprayed me with seltzer from his flower." "Yeah." "I'm sor..." "Ooh!" " What?" " Nothing." "Carry on." "[SIGHS]" "That's..." "Sam I'm sorry for, ahem, psychologically scarring you." " Which time?" " Shut up." "Seriously, me ditching you when we were kids, that was a dick move." " You know, the whole clown thing..." " You know what, man?" "Honestly, I..." "Getting my ass kicked by those Juggalos tonight was, uh..." " Was therapeutic." " You faced your fear." "Exactly." "And now, what else could a clown possibly ever do to me?" " I feel good." " Well, congrats." "By the way, to celebrate..." "DEAN:" "What?" " Ugh." "[GRUNTS]" " No." " Yes." " Did you win this?" " We earned that." "Ha, ha!" "Hey, I got you a little something too, actually." "[GRUNTS]" "[GASPS]" "What?" "You said you were over it." "You can think of it as a, uh clown-phobia sobriety chip." "[LAUGHING]" "[Ripped by stlc8tr - 2012.10.05]"