"The American military presence in Korea is unlike any in our nation's history." "Our troops are fighting side by side with 17 other United Nations forces." "All in all, a very unique situation." "But I can tell you one group that may be suffering an adverse effect:" "the 4077 MASH." "I've been getting reports that treating casualties so close to the front is beginning to take its toll." "I'm gonna send you up to that unit to conduct a psychiatric evaluation." "Your recommendation will determine if they are to be disbanded, and its members shipped to other units." "The 4077 is under the command of Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake." "A fine surgeon, Henry." "A fair-to-middling administrator." "Blake's people are very devoted to him, and I must say, he is highly thoughtful of them." " Morning, Henry." " Good morning, dear!" "Morning." " That will be two kisses, please." " Here you go." "Here's your change." "Blake's company clerk is a" "Corporal Radar O'Reilly." "There are times, I must confess, when it seems Henry Blake is Corporal O'Reilly's clerk." " Sign these, sir." " What am I signing, Radar?" "A request to rectify last week's supply foul-up from Quartermaster Corps." " Was there another foul-up?" " In duplicate and triplicate, sir." "Yes, sir, they sent 2,000 specimen cups by mistake." "2,000." "They came in the same order as the 400 breast pumps." " That's a lot of..." " Breast pumps, yes." " If you'd just initial this." " Just initial?" "The initial signifies that you signed instead of initialling." "Thank you." "Then there's the chief nurse of the 4077:" "Major Margaret Houlihan." "An angel of mercy, Major Houlihan." "A woman dedicated to giving relief to others." "Margaret." "That's delicious." "Major Frank Burns is the unit's ranking surgeon." "A very competent doctor, but a bit of a prude, if you should ask me." "Margaret, when you touch me, my knees turn to pudding." " Frank, I'll get all messy." " You'lI need a bath, you naughty girl." "Major Burns billets with two other doctors, captains both:" "Pierce and Mclntyre." "Two exceptionally qualified surgeons, but in their off-hours, their antics can become quite antic." "Separately, they're a handful." "Who rewrote these commandments?" " Hawkeye, don't." " I can't help it." "Even as a child I used to play with my food." "Together, Pierce and Mclntyre make a remarkable pair." "Gimme three." "Two, please." " Everybody ready?" " Two kings." "Three threes." "Full house." "Pay up!" "Turn your back." "My concern is that the 4077 is operating under more pressure than it can stand." "More and more, we're forced to use green troops, and green troops have a way of turning hospitals into standing room only." " This one's been shot." " This guy's still breathing." "Get your butt over here." "Are you clean?" "Pull that." " Get your longfingers." " Longfingers." " We're getting close." " Grab that bowel." " Wait a minute." " I don't think he's got a minute." " More lap sponges, dammit." " Can we watch our language, please?" "If you want to kick me out of this country club, I'll second your blackball." "Can we watch our language, please?" " Pierce, you do good work." " In three or four wars, I'll be sensational." "We're about to button this kid up." "Let's get the next one in here." " What happened?" " Phosphorus burns." "Water, copper sulphate, quick." "How did they ship a kid like this?" " They put him out once." " The breeze started it up again." " Get some water on there." " Get the fire out first." "Get the fire out first." " Move him in there." " I'll take care of it." "Get him inside." "Hurry." "Klinger!" "I've told you to get out of those clothes." "Not till I'm discharged, sir!" "Hey, hey, hey." "You'll get your dress dirty." "As a psychiatrist, you'll be able to tell whether the 4077 can still function as a team, and for your purposes, it might be best to reveal the true nature of your mission only to Colonel Blake." "Break us up?" "But you can't break us up." "I mean, we've been together so long, we're like a family." "Families go their separate ways sometimes, Colonel." " Children grow up, leave." " I understand." "I mean,..." "You're not gonna write down everything I say to you, are you?" " I have a report to make, sir." " Of course." " Like a brandy, Captain?" " No, thanks." "Gin?" "Scotch?" "Rye?" "Beer?" "I've got it all." "Don't get the idea that I drink." "It's just that every now and then there's a lot of pressure around here." "Not that there's a lot of pressure, it's just that every now and then, the least pressure builds to the point where there's an incredible amount of pressure." " Radar, would you bring some brandy..." " I thought you might like some brandy." "That'd be real nice." " Captain Hildebrand doesn't care for any." " Then I won't bring his glass in." "Great little kidder, that one." "But a crackerjack clerk." "Tell me who you want to interview and he'll line them all up for you." "My orders are to make discreet observations, Colonel." "There will be no interviews." "Gee whiz, I'd sure like to know what put this bee in General Clayton's bonnet." "The 4077 is one of the most committed, responsible bunch of people" "I've had the privilege of knowing." "Excuse me." "Hello?" "Yeah, well, show him in." "I mean, we have really got some..." "Morning, sir." "The x-rays for the patient with the phosphorus burns." " Thank you, Klinger." " Will that be all, sir?" "That's more than enough, Klinger." " I can explain that." " So can I." " It's not what it looks like." " What do you think it looks like?" " I think it looks terrible." " Well, then, that's what it looks like." "There's nothing wrong with Klinger." " I mean, he goes out with girls." " He must be stealing their clothes." "He's just bucking for a discharge, that's all." "He wants out on a psycho." "You know, it's logical." "Psycho." "I'm familiar with the word, Colonel." "I'd like to get started in the morning." "Let me get the billeting on that for you." "Radar?" "Would you..." " The captain will spend a day..." " Or two." "Or two." "He's gonna spend some time with us before he leaves." " Yes, sir." " Would you assign him to the VD tent?" "I mean the VID tent... the PIV tent... the P..." "Colonel?" "Remember, Colonel." "Not a word." "You have my word." "Yes, sir." "Hawkeye." "Captain?" "She seemed more like a lieutenant to me." "Captain, it's me, Radar." "Get up." "Get out of here, Radar, or I'll sever every nerve in your butt." " It's Colonel Blake." "He says it's urgent." " What is it, a patient?" "No, just the colonel." "He needs you in the shower." "You'd think he'd know where everything is." "All I know is he says it's important." "Trapper?" "Trapper?" "OK, I know it's dumb to be in here, but Clayton sent this joker Hildebrand to spy on us, and I figured the shower was the safest place to meet." "Absolutely." "Nobody ever comes in here." " To cover our voices." " What?" " To cover our..." " You got a case of galloping paranoia." "Never mind." "Now look, I'm the only one who knows this guy's a psychiatrist." "And you still got the guts to wear that?" "Can you lay off the wisecracks for five minutes?" "He always acts funny in a men's shower." "What I'm asking you guys is, make that commanding." "Keep on asking." "Stop acting like a couple of horse's patoots while Hildebrand is here." "As sure as God made little green apples he'll break us up, and I don't think any of us want that." "As screwy as this outfit is, better the devil you know, right?" " You got our word, Henry." "Right?" " Yeah." " Promise?" " Promise." " Thanks." " Henry?" " Yeah?" " Your fly is closed." " Yes?" " Major?" " Who is it?" " Me, Henry Blake." "Just a minute." "Come in, Colonel." " We're going over tomorrow's duty roster." " The one on my desk?" "He means yesterday's duty roster tomorrow." "Never mind." "I've got something serious to discuss." "What is it?" "A Captain Hildebrand came today from headquarters in Seoul." "He's a psychiatrist, and he's here on Clayton's orders." "Now, it is my guess that someone in this unit has been ratfinking to the general on the sly." "It wasn't me." "Anyway, it's my duty to." "There's nothing wrong with reporting the unmilitary posture of your command." "Just let me remind you, Mrs MacArthur, that is this unit gets split up, it might just happen that we all get split up, which means that you and Dr Burns will have to stop practising medicine together." "And whatever else it is you've been practising." " What the hell?" " Sorry." "Everything's taken care of." " The fix is in." " Good." "Everyone will behave themselves in front of Captain Hildebrand and make the place look real Gl." " Very good." "Hide every garbage can..." " I hid every garbage can..." " ..then sew up the hole in the shower tent..." " ..and sewed up the hole in the nurses' tent..." "Hey, somebody give the place a shove." "What is that?" "I think this motel is surrounded by soldiers." "It's disgusting that you sleep in your underwear." "Beats sleeping in yours." "Listen, we're all gonna make nice for Captain Hildebrand, but don't push us." "A shave wouldn't be a bad start." "You both look more like bums than doctors." "Actually, I was thinking of becoming a bum doctor, but the proctology class was full." " What is that?" " What is that what, Frank?" "Why is someone's appendix in this boot?" "Because the other one is full of tonsils." "Captain!" "Captain Hildebrand." " Morning." " Morning." "How about some breakfast before a very typical day starts?" "Good idea." "Attention all personnel." "Colonel Blake, at 1600, uh, 1700 hours, will deliver his weekly lecture." "Tonight's subject will be togetherness." "The togetherness lecture will be followed by a talk on the perils of trench mouth." "I'lI have two powdered eggs and some World War ll-surplus bread." " And don't make it tasty." " I'd like some coffee." "Wouldn't we all." "Pierce, Mclntyre, meet Captain Hildebrand." "He's here to observe." " Your surgical technique." " Really?" "You got a specialty?" " Gynaecology." " Ear, nose and throat." "You were close, Henry." " Mind if we join you?" " We were gonna join the nurses." "Yeah, we were gonna join them and make one big nurse." "Hey, Frank." "Care for a little company, buddy?" " Plenty of room for everyone." " Thanks, pal." "Can I have the salt down there, buddy?" "Could you take it easy with the buddy talk?" "I've got a weak stomach." "Thanks." "Major Burns, general surgeon, Captain Hildebrand, nose, throat and bloomers." "Frank, I took a look at that kid whose bowel you resected." "That was some job." " What was wrong with it?" " Not a thing." "You should put your monogram on that scar." "That was a thing of beauty." " I don't like to brag, but it is my specialty." " I mean to tell you." "One look, and I can see your hand all over that gut." "Colonel, may I have the butter, please?" " Henry?" "The butter?" " Here you go, Piercintyre." "The men are always complimenting each other's work." "We're thinking of going into practice together when we get home." "Yeah." "We're gonna open our own clinic, the three of us." "The three of us war buddies would run it." "Frank would park the cars." "Great leg-pullers, these guys." "ls there room for one more?" " Captain Hildebrand, Major Houlihan." " How do you do?" "Nice to meet you." "She's our head nurse." "Best one in Korea." "Every nurse I've known takes a back seat to her." "And this is a man who's taken a lot of nurses into back seats." " Miss Scarlett." " Thank you, Captain Pierce." "Pass the butter, will you?" "Thank you." " One big, happy family, aren't we?" " Well..." "Who is it?" "Attention, please." "lmmediately following Mass this Sunday," "Yom Kippur services will be held for all Jewish personnel of the Hebrew faith." "Childish - not childlike, with its connotations of innocence and joyous abandon," "but childish." "You delight in petty bickering, summer-camp capers, and in general behave in a manner ill-befitting officers in the US Army and members of the medical profession." "It is to some degree understandable:" "you are, after all, only three miles from the front." "You would not be the first people to crack under the stress of war." "I resent that, Captain!" "I, for one, have not cracked because of the war." " That's true, Captain." " Thank you, Pierce." "Frank showed up here cracked, with a bible in one hand and shorts that said "Hold me" in the other." " Pierce!" " Come on, Henry, the party's over." " Don't you pay any attention to..." " He's right." "Even tipping them off couldn't keep them from behaving the way they really feel." "How would you feel if you were forced to serve alongside a pair of medical misfits?" "Olé!" "And this one has no respect for decency." "He turns everything into a hollow mockery." "That's a lie." "I've never once taken out the insides of a mockery." "He's right, Captain!" "They're both impossible." "Stay out of this, or I'll stop selling tickets to your shower day." " Steady, people." " You are no gentleman!" " Good thing you are." " Hu..." "I... d..." "While you're writing, note that thanks to the failure of the world's elected heads, not to mention just plain dictators, to keep a cold war from turning hot," "I am forced to operate alongside a surgeon who can't trim his toenails without committing malpractice." " I resent that!" " How do you know he meant you?" " Well, who else?" "I mean..." " Captain, we're not as bad as..." "There isn't a nurse in this camp they haven't tried to molest." " Except the male ones." " Speak for yourself." "That one spies on everybody!" "Now, dear, he is our son." "He is not!" " Sir..." " Radar, what the hell is it?" "Choppers." "More wounded." "We need some sponges here." " Who ordered the pepperoni pizza?" " I need some plasma." " What's going on?" " Give me the longfingers." " How's it going, Frank?" " He's fine." "He's young." "We need some more light." " It's the blood." " Everything OK?" " Could somebody get me some sponges?" " You got it." "Sponges are here." " I got a lot of bleeding." "Give me some help." " Nurse, gown and gloves, on the double." "This is no good." "Give me some suction." " Suction." " Clean it out in there." "That's better, I can see a little better." " Excuse me." " How are you?" "Scissors and pickups." "Scissors." "Pickups." "OK, that's better." "Now we're cooking." "Clamp." "How did Notre Dame do?" "OK, sew him up and give him his bill." "Ten-hut!" " Thought I'd speak to Captain Hildebrand." " Captain Brildehand..." "Hildebrand." "Yes, sir." "I don't know where he is." "He's probably at the..." "Over here!" "Captain Hildebrand!" "These guys make a gin that can melt your dog tags." "First brewed in Hermann Goering's navel, and handed down from war to war." " You had a mission, Captain." " I've done it." "I can give you your report." "In my short stay here, I have seen textbook examples of neuroses, psychoses." "I have seen voyeurism, fetishism and a few "isms" I've never even heard of." "And let me tell you this, General:" "these impossible people are in an impossible place doing totally impossible work." "They're mad, quite mad, all of them, and the only act I can think of that would be madder would be breaking them up." " We did it again." " Screwed up in reverse." "We'll never get out of here." " Have a drink, General?" " It's eight o'clock in the morning." "I'd like to propose a little toast." "Well..." "Are you still in the same tent?" "No, sir, they moved me out..." "Here we go, General." "Finest kind." "Attention: be sure to follow the zany antics of our combat surgeons as they cut and stitch their way along the front lines." "Operating as bombs b... operating as bombs and bullets burst around them, snatching laughs and love between amputations and penicillin." "Follow Hawkeye Pierce," "Trapper John Mclntyre," "Henry Blake," "Hot Lips Houlihan," "Frank Burns," "Radar O'Reilly, and Corporal Klinger."