"( bell rings )" "* When I wake up in the morning and the alarm gives out a warning * * l don't think I'll ever make it on time *" "* By the time I grab my books and I give myself a look * * l'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by * * lt's all right *" "* 'Cause I'm saved by the bell * * lf the teacher pops a test, I know I'm in a mess *" "* And my dog ate all my homework last night *" "* Ridin' low on my chair, she won't know that I'm there * * lf l can hand it in tomorrow it'll be all right * * lt's all right *" "* 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... *" "* lt's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the-- * * lt's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the-- * * lt's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the bell. *" "Teenage girls are suckers for the great poets, like Jon Bon Jovi, Axl Rose, Jazzy Jeff." "And I found this romantic dude who's going to help me win Kelly's heart" "Rap master Will Shakespeare." "( bell rings )" "I suppose they're not going to ring the bell, so we'll start anyway." "All right, class." "We're going to perform passages from the balcony scene in "Romeo and Juliet."" "And do we all know who the author is?" "William Shakespeare." "Shame on you!" "William Shakespeare." "Now, our first-- our first Juliet will be Miss Turtle." "Do we have any volunteers for our first Romeo?" "Me, me!" "Then I'll have to pick someone." "Anyone but Screech." "That's a wonderful suggestion." "Mr. Screech, you may begin." ""But, soft!" "What light through yonder window breaks?"" "Give me a break." ""lt is the east, and Juliet is the sun."" "Arise, dear Juliet and let's cutteth to the chase." " Back off, Romeo." " O fair maiden, I long to plant one on thy lips, so pucker up-eth!" "Drop deadeth!" "Oh, wonderful." "But the swordfight didn't come until later." "Now, we're going to need two more volunteers." "For Romeo..." "How about you, Mr. Slater?" "Hey, don't worry, the wrestling team will never hear about this from me..." "Romeo." "Ms. Simpson, as much as I would love to do this," "Morris here, he's a much better actor." "He could be another Pee Wee Herman." "Mr. Morris, very well." "And for Juliet?" "Hey, Kelly, there's a spider on your chair!" "Oh, Miss Kapowski." "Excellent." "Hey, hey wait!" "Okay, Ms. Simpson, I'll do it." "I'm sorry, you're too late." "We already have a Juliet." "Now then, why don't we transform" ""yon" desk into a balcony, so that we may realize the full impact of this dramatic scene?" "All right, Romeo." "You spy your beloved at her window, and you begin." "Check it out." ""lt 'tis my lady, O it 'tis my love." "O, that she knew she were!" "Her eyes in heaven shone so bright" "That birds would sing and think it were not night." "O, see how she leans her cheek upon her hand!" "O, that I were a glove upon that hand," "That I might touch that cheek!"" "Wow!" "Stay putteth, Juliet." "Oh, drat!" "There goes my back again!" " Ms. Simpson are you all right?" " This happens every now and again." "It's an old hockey injury." "We've got to get you to the nurse." "Thank you, Miss Spano, but I really don't think I can walk in this position." "No sweat, Ms. Simpson, I've got an idea." "Okay now, don't worry, Ms. Simpson, we'll get you to the nurse." "Okay, let's bring her out!" "Come on, come on." "Okay now, you've got to take it slow, all right, Ms. Simpson?" " Okay, hold on." " Careful." " Whoa." " Here we go." " Okay." " Take it easy." "Here's your sweater, Ms. Simpson." "And here's your briefcase." "Thank you." "That feels like everything." "Hey, hey, hey!" "What is going on here?" "Well, Ms. Simpson hurt herself, Mr. Belding." "Ms. Simpson, did your back go out again?" "No, no." "My back went out again." "We're taking her to the nurse." "Oh, lovely shoes, Mr. Belding." "Woman on PA:" "Mr. Belding, hurry to the gymnasium." "Tiny Hartwick is caught in the net again." "I told them to stop using him as a volleyball." "Ms. Simpson, as long as you're going by my office, would you mind dropping these off for me?" " No, not at all." " Thanks." " Okay, now hold on." " Here we go." "Screech, behold!" "My lady sits eating." "Shove off, Morris." "I ignore the insults of the ignorant, and approach my love." "Oh, to be that straw, sitting in my lady's cup." "Gladly would I be made of plastic, and risk drowning in a sea of cola, for the chance to touch fair Kelly's lips." "Oh, Zack." "Okay, Preppie." "While you're treading cola," "Kelly and I are going to the beach." "Kelly, this news disappoints me verily." "I thought we could rehearse more scenes from "Romeo and Juliet."" "That's a great idea, Zack." "Sorry, Slater." "What?" "I can't believe this." "You'd rather study than go to beach?" ""Parting is such sweet sorrow..."" "chump!" "Fair Lisa, would that I were that blob of ketchup lying on your plate... so that you may dip your French fries in my face." "All right everyone, settle down." "Now as you know, Ms. Simpson is in the hospital, so you'll be having a substitute teacher." "( cheers ) I expect you to be on your best behavior, and treat him with the same respect you show me." "Do you really mean that, sir?" "Zachary, if I hear anything about exploding chalk, superglue on the chairs, or sneezing powder in the erasers, I'm coming after you." "But sir, that's so unfair." "I'm the principal." "I can be unfair." "Well, let's see what kind of dweeb they throw at us this time." "Good morning, everyone." "I'm Tony Crane." "You're right, Zack." "The guy looks like a dweeb to me." "Why don't you tell me all of your names, starting with you?" " l'm Slater." " l'm Screech." "I'm yours." "I'm bummed." "Now as you are about to see, I teach Shakespeare just a little differently." "I want you to feel it as well as hear it." "I want you to live it." "Now, all we need is a Juliet." "Okay, Kelly." "Let's turn you into Juliet." "I didn't know Juliet was a conehead." "Shh!" "Now remember, above all else" ""Romeo and Juliet" is a love story." "Romeo is so charged with romantic desires, he feels he can fly over walls, that no barrier can possibly separate him from his beloved." "We've all felt that way at some point in our lives, haven't we?" "( all women sighing ) Yes." "He must have read my diary." "Yeah, and then he borrowed your blouse." ""With love's light wings did I o'er-perch these walls;" "For stony limits cannot hold love out," "And what love can do that dares love attempt."" ""lf my kinsmen see thee, they will murder thee."" " Go kinsmen!" " Guys:" "Yeah!" ""Look thou but sweet, and I am proof against their enmity."" "Now what do you think that means, Jessie?" "Whatever you say, Tony-- l mean Mr. Crane." "Does anyone know what Shakespeare's saying here?" "Nothing, he's dead." "I think he's saying love is totally awesome." "( laughing )" "No." "Yes, in a way." "Love is so awesome that Romeo feels a sweet look from Juliet will make him invincible." "( bell rings )" "Okay, we'll continue this tomorrow." "I said we'll continue this tomorrow." "All:" "We'll wait." "Hey, Kelly, you want to play some Video Bowl?" "Sorry, Slater. I don't have time for kids' games." "We're studying Shakespeare." "Do you mind?" "Tony might call on me tomorrow." "Tony?" "What's this big deal about Mr. Crane, anyway?" "He's nothing special." "You put a headlock on him, he'll go down to the mat just like anyone else." "Slater, you are clearly incapable of appreciating someone like Mr. Crane." "He uses his mind, not his muscles." "What's happening?" "We were trying to explain our new substitute to these guys, but I guess you can't expect boys to understand a man." "No, I guess only someone with your sophistication could do that." "You had the root beer float with the Gummi Bear swirl?" "Greetings, sweet maidens." "I salute your beauty and grace." "Hi, Zack." "Fair Kelly, shall we again prepare together for class on the morrow?" "Sorry, Zack, I don't have time to play dress up." "It's him!" "Hey, Slater, now's your chance to put a headlock on him." " He sees us!" " What do we do?" "We could go to the jukebox." "It's 10 feet closer to him." "Great idea." "Don't be obvious." "Something's rotten in The Max." "For once, it's not the chili." "It's going to get worse, Preppie." "I've seen this in other schools I've been to." "Some smooth-talking teacher will come in, before you know it, he's stolen all our women." "He's going to take our mothers?" "No, not our mothers, our girls." "Aren't you guys overreacting?" "He's probably got a girlfriend of his own." "He could be married." "Yeah, maybe you're right." "I bet he doesn't even know those girls are alive." "Would you girls care to join me?" "Sure!" "( glass shatters )" "Okay, so he knows they're alive." "What'd I tell you, huh?" "This guy is trouble." "Slater, we spend most of our time fighting over Kelly." "But maybe, just for now, we should join forces against the common enemy." "What did I do?" "Not you, Screech." "Tony Crane." "So what do you say, Slater?" "Agreed." "Truce." "Ow!" "That was the most romantic lunch I've ever had." "I'll remember it for as long as I live." "You know, now that I've met Tony, I know that's the kind of man I'm going to marry." " Oh, me too." " Personally, I've always thought planning my career was more important than finding a husband... until now." "( humming "The Wedding March" )" "How do I look?" "Beautiful." "What about me?" "Jessie, you're one of three prettiest brides I've ever seen." "I can't wait for my honeymoon," "Tony's taking me to Paris." "I've heard they have great French food there." "Tony and I are going to Hawaii." " Waikiki?" " Why not?" "I've heard it's really romantic." "We're going to the desert for our honeymoon." "I love the beach." "He hates the ocean." "Wait a minute." "How could Tony take me on a honeymoon with both of you?" "What kind of fantasy is this?" " ( knocking )" " All:" "It's him. lt's Tony!" "He's come for his bride." "I'm sorry." "I can't marry you." "I'll be leaving soon." "I'm only a substitute teacher." "Well, then who will we marry?" "Guess who?" "I never thought Tony might leave us." "You never think when you're in love." "It seems Ms. Simpson took a turn for the worse, she didn't show up today." "So we had to come up with a plan." "Her name is Vicki." "She's an actress." "( Brooklyn accent ) Where's my money?" "A professional actress." "You might remember her as the third pepperoni on the dancing pizza commercial." "I love your work." "Here's the money." "All of the guys in Mr. Crane's classes chipped in." "Thank you." "Okay, Vicki, now the bell's going to ring any minute." "The most handsome hunk you've ever seen is going to come walking around that corner." "You just stop him in the hall and play the scene we rehearsed." "Got it." "Now don't let him get away, because the girls are going to be coming from gym class and they have to see you and him together." " l understand." " And you remember your cue?" "When you guys say hello and wave to him, I come running into the hallway." " Right." " ( bell rings )" "Hello, boys." " Hello!" " Both:" "No!" "( German accent ) Darling, there you are." "Oh, my love." "I could not wait until June." "I took the first plane in from Rome." "Let's get married today." "June?" "Rome?" "Married?" "Excuse me, but boy have you got the wrong man." "The wrong man?" "Darling, don't joke with me." "How could there be two men as beautiful as are you?" "I know it's hard to believe." "But it must be true." "Please, I can't wait another day to become Mrs. Tony Crane." "Tony Crane?" "Mr. Crane, do you have an explanation for this?" "( Brooklyn accent ) Oh no. I got the wrong guy?" "That's right." "The wrong guy." "I should have known this wasn't the handsome hunk." "( bell rings )" "All right, everybody get where you were going before I start handing out detention." "Go, go, go!" "Mr. Crane, do you have an explanation for this?" "If you give me a few minutes Mr. Belding, I think I will." "Fine. I'll meet you in my office." "Well, if you ever need an actress, call me." "Gotta run." "Linguini commercial." "Okay, will the occupants of lockers 140," "142 and 144 please come out?" "Okay, guys." "What did I do to deserve this performance?" "Mr. Crane, ever since you came here, the girls act like we don't exist." "Yeah, they keep on telling us you're this sophisticated man and we're nothing but kids." "So we thought if we could make them think you were engaged, then maybe they'd forget about you and remember us." "Sounded like a good plan." "Yeah, but we should've hired an actress with hallway experience." "You know, guys, I really have no intention of taking your girls from you." "I'm sorry if my coming here has caused you problems, but what do you want me to do, give up teaching?" " Would you?" " No." "But I do understand how you feel." "I just don't think that trying to embarrass me is the solution to your problem." "You're right." " Okay, we're sorry." " Yeah." "Okay." "Why don't you go ahead into class?" "I gotta smooth this over with Belding." " All right." "Thanks, Mr. Crane." " Yeah, thanks." "Just stay away from our mothers." "Mr. Crane!" "Sorry we're late, but the field hockey game went into sudden death." " l scored the winning goal." " Listen, no problem." "Why don't you just go into class?" "I'll be right there." "He touched me!" "I told you he liked me best." "Oh, yeah right." "I wonder why Tony wanted to meet us here." "Maybe he couldn't hide his true feelings any longer." "Jessie, you really think he's in love with all three of us?" "Well, maybe just one of us." "This is the happiest day of my life." "I want you both to be my bridesmaids." "Hey, not you, me!" "You?" "It's me he loves." "When he looked at me during the fire drill, the smoke detectors went off." "Oh, yeah right." "( all shouting )" "Hey, chill out, ladies." "Look, the biggest moment in one of our lives is about to happen, and we need to be alone." "So do you guys mind leaving?" "Well, sorry." "Mr. Crane told us to meet him here after class." " Why would he want you here?" " He didn't tell us." "How sweet." "Ushers for our wedding." "Could you boys sit over there?" " ( Zack scoffs )" " Slater:" "Boys?" "Here he comes!" "Right in here, darling." "This is the place where all the kids hang out." "( German accent ) lt's cute." "Here are three of the guys I've been teaching." "Guys, this is Vicki, my fiancée." "Pleased to meet you." "Um, same here." "What a coincidence." "She really is his fiancée." "And honey, these are three of the young ladies I've been teaching." "Hello." "Are you in the same grade as those guys?" " Yes." " Really?" "You look so much younger." "Well, I just wanted Vicki to meet some of my students." "Ms. Simpson will be back on Monday, so this was my last day." ""O, that a joy past joy calls out on me, that it were a grief, so brief to part with thee."" "Goodbye, Mr. Crane!" "One, two, three... girls!" "So what did you think of Mr. Crane's fiancée?" "She was attractive, if you like that exotic type." "You think so?" "I think all three of you are much better looking." "Oh, yeah." "No contest." "Why don't you guys sit down?" "Hey, I was going to sit there." "Tough luck, Preppie." "The truce is over." "Hey, Max." "What can I get for you Lisa?" "You can get lost." "All right, we're back to normal!" "I'd like to get lost..." "( instrumental theme music plays )"