"Previously on Off The Map:" "Dr. Brenner, this is my son, Mateo." "You're going to make house calls to our farm where we grow- " "I know what you grow." "But I get it." "I get it now." "We had sex." "You're in my home." "And I'm really scared that we screwed that up." "Yeah." "She's not a patient, she's my wife." "She's been gone for five years and I still got her hooked up to machines, you see that?" "What is the big deal?" "Because it was my care package." "A dozen bagels my mother had shipped from New York City." " And you ate all of them?" " I'm sorry." "I have insomnia and carbs help me to sleep." "I'll buy you more bagels." "No, you can't buy bagels in the jungle!" "You guys are so normal right now." "You're not being all awkward and silent." "It's like being home with a normal brother and sister, except when they're not having sex with each other." "So like a normal brother and sister." "Oh, this is good." "Everything's as it should be." "Oh, sorry, I interrupted." ""Can't buy bagels in the jungle." Go." "Worst roommate ever." "Me?" "Me?" "I'm not the one who makes us live with a dirty- ass chicken." "Oh, please, that chicken is ten times more hygienic than you'll ever be and she has a name." "Her name is Dinner." "Hey, loca." "Got something for you." "What now?" "Flowers?" "Chocolates?" "Just- " "Urine sample." "You left it in the ward." "See, I'm done chasing you, making a fool out of myself." "I mean, what's the point?" "I know you love me and I know you know I love you, so the only thing holding you back far as I can tell is fear." "All the gifts in South America won't fix that." "And tell me, what am I so scared of?" "Getting hurt again." "Right." "Because if a woman doesn't wanna jump your bones, she's petrified." "Plastics, Minard, a church group's building a school in a remote village downriver." "They called in some scrapes and whatnot." "Nothing serious." "But bring water, it's a hike." "You know what's good on a hike?" " Carbs." " I told you I would get you some more." "Well, Zabar's is about 3,000 miles that way." ""About 3,000 miles that way."" "Everything's as it should be." " Right." " You need to pack your kit and go." "Sir, I don't know how many times I can ask you to leave." "It's not okay for you to just come in here- " "Is there a problem, Clark?" "I'm trying to explain to this man that we normally let the doctors treat the patients." "And I'm trying to explain that just because I don't have that fancy plastic badge, doesn't mean I'm not a doctor here." " Is that dental floss?" " Yup." "Use it all the time in the field to suture wounds." "It's a damn nifty trick." "Look at that." " Look at this." " Good as new." "Look, you can't just come in here and start- " "You don't work here." "This isn't your clinic." "See, now, that's where you're wrong." "Jonah Simpson?" "What the hell are you doing here?" " Benji boy, how are you, mate?" " Good." " Benji boy?" " Thought you were in Ecuador." "Yeah, no, I finished a relief effort last week." "Thought I'd swing over and visit our little clinic." "Guys, Jonah Simpson." "Don't hold the Aussie thing against him." " He's all right." " Nice." "The Aussie you went to med school with?" "He came down here with Abby and me, laid the foundations you're standing on." " I tried to convince him to stay on but- " " Oh, but I don't like to be tied down." "Yeah, yeah." "Bloke's been everywhere, he's done everything." "He's treated amputees in Haiti, refugees in China- " "Mate, you've done pretty damn well for yourself here." "Heard you built a fully functioning O.R., is that right?" "Oh, yeah, we do all right." "Did a Whipple last year, didn't we?" "Ever done a kidney swap?" "I don't know if we're ready for a transplant just yet." "I mean, maybe one day." "How about today?" "Clinic's first kidney transplant." "What do you say, Keeton, old boy?" "Wanna make some history?" "Had an O.R. Scheduled last week, but they booted us at the last minute." "We won't get into a major hospital for months." "With diabetes and hypertension, he doesn't have months." "Kidney recipient's on anti- rejection meds, donor's his niece, she's a match." " I've got them set up." " We don't have dialysis." " Yeah, if something goes wrong- " " He's dead in a week anyway, doctors." "It's a risk." "You don't have to take it." "Of course not." "Benji, there's no pressure, mate." "But you remember what Abby said the first time we opened these doors?" ""Every day we have a chance to do something great here."" "Sentimental as any chick, but smart as a whip, that woman." "We're this man's last shot." "We can't turn him away." "Ten days, cooped up here." "All right, before you leave, enoxaparin." "Prevents blood clots from the lupus." "Got it." "Now, say what you need to say and then we can go." " Thank you." " You're welcome." "That's it?" "That's all you have to say to this gorgeous doctora?" "Who has sturdy hips and I hear she can cook." "The nurses talk." "Yeah, I'm pretty sure they were talking about someone else." "And you, you have nothing to say to my handsome, soon- to- be- lawyer son?" " Who has big músculos- " " Okay, Mama, that's enough." "It's not my problem if you wanna waste it." "Quite the matchmaker, your madre." "Oh, well, she just really likes you." "And she doesn't understand why we're not still..." "I keep telling her there's a problem called the coca leaf." "Right." "That tiny, internationally banned narcotic." "I told her that ship has sailed, but..." "Hey, we gave it a shot, right?" "We did." "Well, I'll stop by later in the week to check on her." "Thank you." "For everything." "His músculos aren't that big." "I've seen way bigger." "Well, I've got something to cheer you up." "I'm fine." "I don't need anything to cheer me up." "Keeton's doing our first ever kidney transplant and he wants you to scrub in." "Except for that." "I put him to bed last night, like always." "Then I find him this morning, asleep on the front stoop like a stray cat, his leg twisted like a picarón." "How did you get outside, Domingo?" "You don't know, papi?" "That's all he says these days." "It's like living with a parrot." "Is it broken?" "His artificial hip is dislocated." "I'm gonna have to pop it back in." " It's just the two of you?" " I moved back in when my mother died." "I thought I'd teach him to cook and then be on my way." "That was 30 years ago and he still can't boil an egg." "Stop scratching." "You're going to give yourself a rash." "Matilda, can you please wait outside until I'm finished?" "Okay, Domingo." "I just have to get the femoral bone lined up with the hip socket." "Where did you get those bruises?" "You have bruises on your neck and they look like finger marks." "How did you get them?" "Señor Perez, if someone is hurting you, I can help you." "Hey, I'm all for these church groups building schools and whatnot, but can't they bring Band" " Aids?" "I'm getting tired of these million- mile hikes." "Just be grateful they're not high school kids." "These are adults." "They're being careful." "You sure about that?" "It's Woodstock." "Reese, run Dylan's hammer back up to him, will you?" "Dylan, you gotta stop dropping your hammer, man." "Sure you want so many people up there?" "It doesn't look very safe." "I think I got things under control." "How can I help you folks?" "Mina Minard, this is Tommy Fuller." "We're doctors from the clinic." "Oh, awesome, thanks for coming." "Yeah, nothing serious, just some bumps and bruises mainly." "But we're getting a lot of them." "I'm Foreman Pher." " Fur?" " It's short for Christopher." "Listen, Pher, there is a reason you're getting all these injuries and it's that this is a disaster." "What are you talking about?" "You've got people using power tools without goggles." "And you're not even wearing shoes." "It's crazy, carpenters who don't wear shoes." "I can think of one in particular, lived about 2,000 years ago." "Listen, you're not in Portland, this is the Third World." " You could contract tetanus or- " " Who went by the name of Jesus." "Is that guy drinking from the river?" "Poor kid's had the runs ever since we got here." "I told him to hydrate." "The stream is full of parasites." "That's why he has the diarrhea." "So sort of a chicken and egg kind of thing." " Who knows what came first?" " No, we know, parasites came first." "The parasites always come first." "Okay, so we're not professional builders, we're volunteers." "But what we lack in experience," " we make up for in raw passion." " Whoa, hey." " We're trying to make this world better." " Hey." "Everybody watch out." "So Dr. Simpson said you're Eduardo's only family?" "He had one sister, my mother." "She died when I was a baby." "So Eddie took me in, raised me as his own." "He says she's all the grief he needs, real daughter or not." "Has Dr. Simpson explained the surgery?" "We're removing your left kidney today." "I know what I'm getting into, doctora." "It's normal to be nervous, Ana." "What you're doing for your uncle is an amazing thing." "But it's permanent, right?" "There's no going back." "When my uncle got sick, he didn't want me to donate." "I said I'm cutting my stupid kidney out whether he wants it or not." "This man gave me a life when mine was all but over." "Hell if I'm not gonna do the same for him." "Well, he needs his rest, so you can start filling this out for him." "His name, date of birth, address..." "Dr. Simpson, he had me do the forms already." " He said everything was all set." " Oh, I know, it's just clinic policy." " Just write down what you know." " Maybe I am a little nervous." " What do you need?" " What don't I need." "I'm out of sutures, Kerlix." " Are you splinting his leg with duct tape?" " We didn't pack for this kind of disaster." "Hey, Mina Minard?" "You got a minute?" " Do I have a minute?" " Yeah." "Yeah, maybe I would have a minute." "Maybe I would have one more piece of gauze to treat your crew if you didn't run the most irresponsible, incompetent, just air- headed- " " Are you okay?" " When the scaffolding fell," "I lost something." "What are those?" "I think they're my toes." " Oh, God." " Yeah, maybe Jesus did wear shoes." "Yeah." "And donor kidney is out." "We're on our way, people." "Feels good being back in the saddle with you, mate." "When was the last time we cut together?" "It was a caiman attack." "And that riverboat driver almost lost his face." "You remember?" "How could I forget?" "This dumb- ass cowboy jumps the river, wrestles the thing off the guy- " "Someone had to, mate, you were back on the boat crying like a baby." " When was this?" " Oh, it was years ago." "In fact, we just put the last wall of the clinic up." "And then Abby decides we need a damn fountain out in front." "There's no arguing with Abby." "She always knew what she wanted." "Yeah, well, her one mistake was marrying a Kiwi." "Abby was his wife." "Or is his wife." "How's her condition these days?" "No change on her EEG for months." "Yeah, figured that was the case, seeing as you got the new girlfriend now." "Kidney looks good, all flushed." "You didn't wanna scrub in?" "What, and have to listen to that bromance novel going on in there?" "Hello, Benji boy." "Throw another shrimp on the barbie." "Good day, mate." "Cheerio, governor." "Why aren't you in there?" "He was clearly close with Abby." "And there it is." "I know Keeton still loves her." "I know that." "I just never felt like the other woman, until today." "Hey, guys." " What's this?" " Case of elder abuse." "He's been in five times in the past year." "With a sprained wrist, a bruised shoulder." "I think it's the daughter." "She has zero patience with him." "Loca, loca, old people fall, okay?" "It's not our job to get all up in everybody's biz." "I should call Social Services." "Funny thing, they don't exist in the jungle." " Now, who's free to help me?" " Heart condition." "Not in." "Don't worry." "I'm not gonna make any accusations." "We're gonna question them both separately." "That's good." "Use the advanced interrogation tactics." "Pressure and elevation's not working." "His heart rate's up to 140." "Blood's not clotting." "Are you taking any medication?" "I don't take Western pharmaceuticals." "Well, maybe he has a clotting disorder." "Just herbs." "Willow's bark for when I get headaches," "St. John's- wort when I'm sad." "Ginkgo for libido." "Those are all anticoagulants." "We have to use a tourniquet." "We're hours away from the clinic." "We cut off circulation, we won't save the foot." "If we don't, he's just gonna keep bleeding." "I'm not gonna let him lose his foot." "Well, I'm not gonna let him bleed out through his toes." "Glue, construction glue." "We can temporarily reattach his toes, use them to stop the hemorrhage until we get back to the clinic." " Pulling a Keeton." " Sorry, guys." "I don't have glue." "It's a construction site, how do you not have glue?" "Petroleum products feed the corporate beast." " I was taking a stand." " Are you kidding me right now?" "Wait." "You, hold this, apply pressure and don't let up, okay?" "You, try to stop bleeding." "And you, come with me." "Hey, is she single?" "No, she's" " What- -?" "No." "No." "Hey." "Surgery went great, Ana." "How are you feeling?" "She wants you to call her mom so she can go home." " You sure that's what she said?" " It is my first language." "I thought your mother died when you were a baby." "L" " No, I never said that." "You said Eduardo was your mother's brother." " You told me he raised you." " I meant, my father's brother." "That's what I meant." "L" " My English is- " "Perfect." "Your English is perfect." "I asked you to fill out the information and you only wrote down his first name." "What's his last name?" " L- " " Ana, what's your uncle's last name?" "Where does he live?" "How old is he?" "He's not your uncle." "You said write what I know." "Why are you doing this?" "No one gives up a kidney- " "How much is he paying you?" "A lot." "We have a successful transplant, people." "Zee once mentioned this medicinal tree sap." "It's like dragon's hair or dragon's breath." "Yeah." "Toe of frog, eye of newt." "I pretty much just sleep during all of Zee's lectures." "Some kind of natural bandage that's got antibacterial and hemostatic properties." "We can use it to glue the toes back on, stop the bleeding." "This is the wrong kind of tree." "We only got three million more to check." "Yeah, well, I was all for the tourniquet." "You're the one that wanted to save his foot." "How else was he gonna Hacky Sack?" "Seriously, I mean, Pher?" "Pher." "Chris is also an abbreviation of Christopher." "So is Topher." "Toph would even be acceptable, right?" "You know, Brenner's right." "It's not weird, not that weird between us." "Not like what we're doing here isn't weird." " You know." " Oh, it's just..." "Hey." "Red sap." " I got red sap." " Yeah." "Dragon's blood, sangre de dragón." "That's what it is." "See?" "I wasn't that far off with eye of newt." "Yeah." "Are you accusing me of hurting my own father?" " I'm not accusing you of anything." " I do everything for that man." "I peel his grapes so he can chew them." "I hang his shirts by the Jerusalem thorn." "It cuts me to shreds but he likes the scent on his collar, so I do it." "How do you explain the bruising?" "Or any of the other injuries that he's had." "Caregiving can be a very stressful job, I know." " And sometimes if we lose our temper- " " Hold up a second." "I just spoke to Domingo and he's not being abused." "Of course he's not." "Yeah, he's" " He's having sex." " What?" " What?" "Yeah." "Look, the man's getting laid, loca." "I'm sorry." " Some things don't change." " Hey?" "I see you're partial to celebrating with our friend Jack." "You're right." " You want a glass?" " I like it straight from the source." "Some things don't change." " Clark, you joining us?" " No." "If I start drinking now," "I won't make it back to work." "But you two go ahead." "To Abby." "To those we love." "Dr. Keeton, he's not her uncle." "They don't even know each other." "He's paying her." " How long have you known these people?" " About a year." "They came into the clinic in Guayaquil." "Came together." "Didn't suspect a thing." " What do we do now?" " Nothing." " Nothing?" " We all got screwed, but it's done now." "We just transplanted a black- market organ, all right?" "We could all lose our licenses." "They'll shut us down." "Urine bag's empty." "Kidney's not functional." " Damn it." " What is happening to him?" " PVCs on the heart monitor." " Santa María, he cannot die." " I have not been paid." " He's either clotted the renal artery- " " Rejecting the kidney." " Rejection doesn't make sense." "Labs at the hospital in Guayaquil showed compatibility." " Either way, he needs dialysis." " That's not an option here." "Gurney." "You cannot let him die." "Dr. Simpson, please, you said this would work." "Calm down, Ana." "It's gonna be fine, okay?" "Okay, push calcium and bicarb." "We need to get him into surgery now." "What did she mean, "You said this would work?"" "They might not be a perfect match." "You did all the screening tests before you came." "I did." "Except the cytotoxic cross match." "I didn't have the time or the facility." "You knew there was a chance that he'd reject." "A very small chance." " But you knew." " Everyone knew, Eduardo knew." "The man had no other choice." "He was willing to take a risk." " Why would you?" " I don't have to explain." "What the hell you don't?" "Okay, this is my clinic." "We did this thing in my O.R." "Jonah, I've known you for 20 years, mate." " Look, you're a great doctor." "Why- -?" " Because he's paying me 10,000 bucks." "Okay?" "I brokered the damn deal." "Grow up, Benji boy." "Kidney looks mottled and cyanotic." "It's hyperacute rejection." "Yeah, we gotta get it out now." "If we can keep his potassium level down, get him to San Miguel for dialysis within hours, he may have a shot." "Metz?" "Watch it, mate." "You pop his artery and we're screwed." "That train's already left the station." "Well, to be fair, the transplant itself was a success." "This complication could happen anywhere." "That's what you're telling yourself." "It'll help you sleep." "No hospital could find a match." "He'd have died." "At least you gave him a shot." " That's right." " No, it's crap." "I don't know how long you've been an organ broker, but I don't run a chop shop." "I don't use people for parts." "Now, if this man dies, it is not a complication." "It's murder and it's on us." "V- tach." "Potassium's rising." "Okay, we've lost the pulse." "Bag on 15 liters, charge to 200." "Clear." "Cheese and rice!" "Are you sure that red stuff's gonna hold?" "I mean, what if I wanna go jogging?" "Okay, I don't jog, but if I want- " "Pher, we're not actually reattaching your toes, we're just using them as a sterile dressing until we get you back to the clinic." "I'm afraid those toes have seen the last of their outdoor music festivals." " How'd you know that was my thing?" " Just a hunch." "Okay, Pher." "Last one." "Do your worst." "I can take it." "Oh, crap." "Cheese and rice!" "I was wrong." " Completely out of line." "And you have- " " She's my age." "The neighbor he is sneaking out to see in the middle of the night." "Meanwhile, I am home changing his bedpan like a tonta." "You're just trying to be a good daughter." "I had someone too once." "Maybe 30 years ago." "He worked at the bakery." "I would go pick up Papa's casaba and he would ask me on a date." "Every week, like clockwork." "Fool was a dog with a bone." "I know someone like that." "He says, "Come, dance with me."" "I say, "I can't leave Papa alone all night."" "Then says, "Come, sail with me."" "I say, "If I drown, Papa drown too."" "Then he says, he knows a waterfall, a beautiful place to jump." "And you blame that one on papa?" "No, this time, I says, "Are you crazy?"" "Okay." "I no jumping off a waterfall." "And the next time?" "There was no next time." "He stopped asking." "I stopped going." " But why?" " I can't remember anymore." "But I'm sure it was a good reason." "Doesn't feel good being right." "No, it doesn't." " Dr. Keeton, he's been gone a- " " Give me 360." "Stop this now." " Charged." " Clear." " How long?" " He's been gone for 58 minutes." "If we..." "If we report this, they'll come after all of us." "Benji." "Benji." "Don't call me that." "Time of death, 5:28." "He did not make it, did he?" "The kidney wasn't an exact match." "You think I'm a bad person." "No, I don't- " "I don't think that." "My madre and me, we already sold everything else." "Our jewelry, our bed." "Dr. Simpson, he came to the barrio, he said:" "You could live without a kidney." "Yeah, you can." "But you shouldn't have to for money." "It's illegal what he did, not to mention unsafe." "He shouldn't have taken advantage of you." "No, I took advantage." "Down here, we don't get a lot of chances." "So someone offers you a shot to start over, if you don't take it, then you're the victim." "I'm sorry that rich man died." "But I am not sorry for what I did." "I am not sorry I took my shot." "Your wound looks good." "You're gonna be fine." "You give your patients an American money from your wallet?" "I've done a lot of things down here I thought I'd never do." "All right, just a couple more stitches and you should be good to go." "It's not my most cosmetic work." "I like it." "It's like my foot's saying, "Hang loose."" "Hang loose, Mina Minard." "Yeah, thanks." "Your balance and gait should be fine." "It's my axe." "I had one of my workers bring it over." "I am gonna write you a song." "Oh, that's not necessary, okay?" " You saved my life today, Mina Minard." " Yeah, I kind of helped with that too." "I can't pay you Because I'm kind of broke" "Free clinic, so..." "Mina Minard" "Let's see." "Mina Minard" "I met a Minard named Mina Minard" " Please don't." " She glued on my toes" "Her boyfriend sewed them closed" "He's not my boyfriend." "He said he was If he's not" "Maybe you'll be free tonight To dance with the moonlight" " You said that you were my boyfriend?" " No, I said that you were not single, okay?" "And you can't dance with the moonlight, dude." "Maybe we start simple Meet for a drink at midnight" "The cantina closes at midnight" " I am single." " Yeah, I know." "It's not like you're gonna date this dude, okay." "So I was just doing you a favor." "I only said "midnight" Because it rhymed with "moonlight"" "Eleven is all right." "Oh, Mina" "Why can't I date him?" "Because he's just not right for you." " Who is, then?" " I don't know." "You?" "Because we had sex once?" "No, I" " I don't know, maybe." "Why?" "Is that so crazy?" " You're jealous?" " No." "You're jealous." "I thought that we were back to normal." " We are." " No." " No." "This is not normal." " Kind of." " Mina Minard, where you going?" " Minard." "Oh, oh, Mina" "You think she liked my song?" "This is curcuma for your bruises." "They should fade in a week." "But can you please try to be more careful with your amiga?" "No more sneaking out of the house through windows." "He will not need to do that anymore." "Dr. Alvarez, this is Lucia, our very friendly neighbor." "She will need to know how to take care of Papa." "His medications, his rash creams, how to have sex with him without killing him." "I didn't mean to lie." "I thought you will be upset." "You were so close to Mama." "Mama has been gone for 30 years, Papa." "She would want you to be happy." "So do I." "So I am going to Rio." "I have always wanted to live by the beach." "Keys to his house." "The doorknob, it sticks." "You're abandoning me, hija?" "I am forgiving you, Papa." "I just need a little time for myself to do it." "You said you didn't jump." "Hey, Lily, do you have a few minutes?" "I just got paged." "Mateo's mother's out of breath." "She might have thrown a clot so I'm gonna make a house call." "Our sexy farmer's back in the picture." "Not kind of bothered about that?" "God, I'm fine." "Why does everyone keep asking me that?" "Sorry." "What do you want?" "I just wanted to talk about something but we can do it later." "You sure?" " Yeah, yeah." " Okay." "It's Minard." "It's Minard." "You remember that guy in college, with the dirty feet and played guitar and all the girls went bananas over him?" "You just could not understand why." "No." "It's like that song, okay, "You don't know what you got till it's gone."" "In this case, it's like:" ""You don't know what you could have had until you had drunken mistake sex."" "Fuller, I really have to go." "I don't want her dating this guy." "Okay?" "I don't want her dating any guy." "I want her dating me, I think." "So isn't now the time when you turn into practical Brenner and you explain to me all the reasons why making a move on Minard would just be so utterly idiotic." " Do it." " What?" "Yeah, make your move." "Take your shot." "We don't get that many." "I didn't call the authorities, if that's why you're worried." "Far as I'm concerned, it never happened." "I appreciate it." "It's not for you." "It's for the clinic." "You know, they'd shut us down." "You, I'd throw to the wolves if I could." "You know, I'm not so bad really, Ben." "I meet people who need help and I help them." "Oh, it's that simple." "My first was a lawyer in Belize whose liver was shot." "No one would give him one because he couldn't give up the booze." "What, did you shoot a homeless person for it?" "I found a guy out of work for years." "I took a piece of his liver and now he provides for his family." "Okay, it's win- win." "I go to local clinics, look up blood types, see who's willing." "Look at you." "You used to call yourself a humanitarian." "I still do, Ben." "The money I make funds aid all over the world." "You know, Clark needs a new heart." "She's on the bottom of the list in New York." "I'm sorry to hear that." "Really?" "It's people like you that screw people like her." " She's doing the right thing, waiting." " She's hoping for a miracle." "You're off selling to the highest bidder." "Because there's a lot more of those than there are miracles." "You know what, mate, we're all selfish bastards here." "Look at you, you got a wife in a coma, girlfriend on the side." " Don't talk about Abby." " She still have that pesky trust?" " She dies, money goes to her family." " Shut the hell up." "So you are still using her to fund the place." " Mate, pot, meet kettle." " I said, shut up." "So here's what I don't get, right." "You say, Abby knew what she wanted." "So you've gotta know, you have to know, there's nothing she would hate more than where she is right now." "Hooked up to machines, feeding tubes." "How do you get off, taking one of the most talented, beautiful doctors I've ever known and using her as a bloody ATM?" "Hundred pesos to bet, no win on a draw." "Charlie, what are you doing?" "Cole!" "What are you- -?" "Cole." "Hey, hey, hey." "Enough!" "Ben." " You've been working out, mate." " Get out of here." "She was fine all day and then suddenly..." "Normal heart rate and pulse ox." "Looks like a false alarm." "It could happen again." "Maybe you should stay." "You know, just to be sure." "Forget the lupus, woman, I'm gonna kill you myself." "Well, she can't go home hungry." "Mama." "Pachamanca, it's a traditional Peruvian stew, baked underground with hot rocks to allow the flavor of the earth to remain with the food." "I hope you didn't go to too much trouble with this." "Just something I whip up." "Dig a pit, heat the river rocks, bury the meats and vegetables, then cover the whole thing with the rocks and cook for many hours while my hands burn and my eyes tear up from the heat and the onions." "No trouble at all." "So take your time and enjoy." "Did she really cook it underground?" "Culturally, we like to make things very difficult for ourselves." "Yeah, you see, we're the opposite." "In Minnesota, this would be called a casserole." "And it would be made from canned soup and frozen vegetables." "I'm sorry." "She's just never really been a subtle woman." "And she likes to give a hint- " "What was that?" "Me taking it." "No." "If you sing another song about me, I will leave." "That's cool." "Two more of these, barkeep." "Why are your hands all dirty?" "Oh, I went down to the river and buried my toes." "Felt like I should say goodbye." "Although I think a squirrel ate one of them." "Circle of life and all that." "I know I am a joke to you." "I am to most people." "I'm weird." "But I'm cool with that, so..." "Well, I'm not in a position to throw stones about being weird." "And I don't think that you're a joke." " Your boyfriend does." " Oh, he's not my- " "I think he wants to be." "Well, that's not gonna happen." "He's, I mean, my best friend." "I'm not gonna ruin that by..." "Let's have another." "This would really be so much easier for me if I could just call you Chris." "No can do, Mina Minard." "Cheers." "Have a toe- st." "These are all safe sexual positions that won't aggravate the hip joint." "You would lie here and Lucia would lie there." "Is that the man or the woman?" "I don't know, the print is so small." "All right." "Señor, I'm the artificial hip in this dance." "And Dr. Alvarez here is the lovely Lucia." "Now, she is going to lie back like so." "One leg straight." "The other bent." "So that you can slide into place and she can wrap her leg securely around you." "Domingo, your legs can be straight or bent, but no more than 90 degrees, so as not to strain your acetabulum." "That's one down, only ten more fine positions to go." "What the hell got into you?" " I'm jumping, lindo." "I'm jumping." " Hell, yeah, you are." "I know he was your friend." "I'm sorry." "Yeah." "He was right about one thing, though." "What I'm doing with Abby, with you..." " It's okay." " No, no, it's not." "It's not fair on you." "It's not what she would want." "She'd want me to let her go." "But I can't." "This may hurt a little." "Hey, Minard." "Hey, I got bagels." "Not bagels." "Next best thing, doughnuts." "Actually, not even doughnuts, it's some fried Latin thing that Charlie says is edible." "So I figured..." "Awesome, man, I'm starved." "You're getting your dressing all wet." "Actually, I wrapped it in plastic." "So we're good." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah, we're good."