"Tommy, hurry up, you're gonna be late for school again!" "Son of a..." "TOMMY BOY" "Damn!" "Nice doggy, nice doggy!" "Holy shnikees!" "Late again Tommy?" " You're pathetic." " Shut up, Richard!" "Hurry up Tommy, hurry up!" "Damn!" "Hi." "How are you?" "Oh, man!" "No, please, God, no!" "Son of a..." "Sorry." "Excuse me." "Pard me." "Can I Just check this, uh." "D +?" "Oh my God!" "I passed!" "I passed!" "Oh, man I got a D+!" "I'm gonna graduate!" "I wish that we'd known each other." "This is a little awkward." "I'm gonna graduate!" "D+!" "Hey guys, do I look different now that i'm a college grad?" "Not really." "Apparently they give a lot fewer D+'s than D-'s." "It's not a grade they like to give out, i'll tell ya that right now." "Yeah, you mentioned that." "So, that's it for school, uh?" "Now what?" "No idea." "Well, for now i'll probably go back and work in my dad's loading dock like always." "And after that, figure it out." "I'm gonna miss you man." "You're the best." "Uh-uh, you are the best." "I love all you guys." "Specially you." "I'm gonna make a toast." "To the best bunch of rugby freaks ever born." "Yes sir." "Maybe we weren't the smartest guys on campus." "Maybe we spent too much time puking off balconies." " But we had fun, huh?" " Yeah!" "Now, some of us are leaving, and that is sad." "But this isn't the end." "No way." "We're gonna show this world a thing or two." "We're gonna show..." " Richard Hayden?" " Tommy." "So where's my dad?" "I thought he was gonna meet me at the airport." "He was at the airport this morning, but you weren't on the plane." "He said he had a surprise for me." "Maybe." "I guess you should have called." "I did call, earlier, when..." "using the phone." " Earlier?" "When was that?" " Er..." "later..." "When, when... then..." "I..." "huh.., I left a message." "A message?" "What number did you call?" " 249...5...678..." "I can't hear you." "You're trailing off." "And did I catch a "niner" in there?" "What Were you calling from, a walkie-talkie?" "No, it was cordless." "You know what?" "Don't." "Not here, not now." "Did you hear I finally graduated?" "Yeah." "And just a shade under a decade too." "All right." "You know, a lot of people go to college for 7 years." "I know." "They're called doctors." "Oh, that has to be you." "Spray that thing for bugs?" "Hey, what happened to the tire plant?" "They shut it down last month." "Would you mind not eating in the car?" "It's kind of a rule." " You still got your GTX car, huh?" " Yes." "And I dropped in a 440 Magnum with a six-pack." "You hang on to a car this cherry, kinda' like your suitcase." "Kinda' like your suitcase..." "Hey, what's new with the old gang from high-school?" "I don't know Tommy." "I didn't really like the old gang from high-school." " Hey, the muffler plant's gone too." " Yes." "Come on!" "Dammit." "That sounds good." "Melted chocolate inside the dash." "That really ups the resale value." "I think you're gonna be ok here." "They have a thin candy shell." "'Surprised you didn't know that." "I think your brain is a thick candy shell." "Your brain has the shell on it." " Are you talking?" " Shut up, Richard!" "Ron, don't tell me the bank thinks we need to wait it out." "Any business that tries to wait it out will be just that, out." "In auto-parts, you're either growing our you're dying." "There ain't no third direction." "Tom, you're talking about a huge loan." "Maybe instead of borrowing, you should take on a partner." "This always has and always will be a family firm." "My grandfather founded it in '21, my father kept it running during the depression, my aunt Ilenne, ran it when he went away to war and someday my son will run it." " Hi dad." " Tommy!" "Am I proud of you." "Mister big time, college grad, huh?" "Thanks dad." " You're looking great kid." " Thanks Mr. Rittenhauer." "Oh, how you doin' Mr. Reilly?" "Real good." "I had a kidney removed last April, but I still have the other one." "You remember Mr. Gilmore from the bank?" " Yeah." "Nice to see you again sir." " How are you?" "Listen, why don't you come out on the floor with us?" "Mr. Gilmore needs reminding of why he does business with us." "Richard, could you huh..." "Run these figures by accounting." "No problem." "My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators." "We should have something for you..." "by this afternoon." "Hard hats, gentlemen." "If you get hit in the head without wearing one of these, they scoop your brains up with a goddamned soup ladle." "Hey, look alive!" "Low bridge!" "Son of a..." " You all right, Tommy?" " Yeah..." " What happened?" " Nothing." " Danny!" "How's that new son-in-law?" " He's a real pain in the butt." "Hey Tommy, you're back!" "Way to go on that D +!" "Thanks, Danny." "Looking good man." " Hey, Tommy!" " Hey man!" "How you doing?" "Hey how are you." "Good to see ya, how you doin'?" " Hey, Sammy!" " Tommy!" "Welcome home buddy." "Hang in there, Ron." "We're almost there." "Lou, I got some papers I want you to sign in the office." " Hey, Tommy!" " What are you doing on the floor?" "Yeah, I was going crazy on the loading docks, so your dad moved me in here." " Hey, what is this thing?" " It's a buffer." "I take oil filters that need smoothing and give 'em a quick zap." "Cool!" " Can I try one?" " Help yourself." "Nice distance." " Tommy!" "Come on!" "Let's go!" " Yes, sir." "See ya." "Here she is, Ron." "My dream." "This, my friend, is our new brake pad division." "And the future of "Callahan Auto"." " Quite a sight, Tom." " This is awesome." "You say these brake pads are gonna revolutionize the industry?" "Composed of high grade steel and graphite." "They're the goddamned Rolls Royce of brake pads." "That's what they are." "I get tears off my eyes just thinking about it." "You coming awful fast, how do you do it?" "I need fresh capital for material, for new work force before I can turn these machines on." "Look out!" "I got cat- like speed and reflexes." "In 23 years, have I ever said no to you, huh?" "Why say "no" when it feels so good to say "yes"?" "I was checking the, ah, specs on the end line, for the rotary girder..." " I'm retarded..." " Okay, Tom." "Let's go!" "Yes, sir." "Okay, left." "Can I open my eyes now dad?" "I never told you you had to close them in the first place, son." "Yeah, go ahead!" "Open 'em up." "That's my name!" "Yeah, and that's your new office now, college grad." "Go on in there!" "Awesome!" "Hey, there's even a fridge!" "This is great... you can put six-packs of be" "Soda in here." "Milk, yoghurt." "You can put candy bars in the freezer." "Anything that you wanna keep cool." "Mr. Callahan, I need your John Hancock on these reports." "John Hancock..." "It's Herbie Hancock." " Richard, check out my new office!" " You've a window." "And why shouldn't you?" "You've been here 10 minutes." "Now look son, these are our new catalogues." "Get to know them, they're important." "Richard, you promise me you're gonna look after Tommy here 'til he gets his feet wet." "Sure." "And thanks for choosing me." "Now don't forget, we're going home early today." "I got another surprise for you." "Cool!" "Thanks, dad." "It's called reading." "Top to bottom, left to right." "Group words together as a sentence." "Take Tylenol for any headaches." "Midol for any cramps." "Shut up!" "Can I open my eyes now dad?" "For God's sake son, will you quit covering your damned eyes?" "Holy shnikees!" " Is that for me?" " No, son, that's for me." "Dad, she's like a ten." "Hi, honey." "This must be Tommy." " Are you Tommy?" " I'm Tommy." "I'm Beverly, and you're just adorable." "Nah..." "Son, I got an announcement to make." "Tom, i've asked Beverly to be my wife." "Wow, man!" "What did she say?" "It's so cool that you're getting married Saturday." "So where did you guys meet?" "Here you go, sweetie." "We met at the fat farm spa resort thing." "Beverly was one of the trainers." "In fact she was the only one of the trainers i didn't wanna plant six feet under a lettuce patch." "Wait 'til you hear this!" "She's got a son." "He worked at the spa too." "I met him." "He's a terrific guy." "You're really gonna like him." "He's coming here today, for the wedding." "Tommy, it sounds funny saying this, but my son is going to be your new brother." "Brother?" "I'm gonna have a brother?" "I've always dreamed about having a brother." "Speak of the devil." "A brother!" " Brother?" " I'm Paul, you must be Tommy." "Brothers don't shake hands." "Brothers gotta hug." "I can't believe I have a whole new family." "This is awesome!" "Yeah." "Great." "No offense, but if I showed a picture of your mom to some of my buddies at school she'd definitely be boner of the month." "I'm honoured." "So is there anything to do in this town besides eat?" "Tons of stuff." "Late night pitch and putt." "We go to the livestock auction and cruise the 4-H babes." "Throw stuff off the bridge." "What do you feel like doing?" "I don't know." "Something a little more dangerous." "Sure." "All you can handle bro." "Look at 'em there!" "Pretty maids all in a row." "I want the one on the left." "She's perfect." "Which one d'you want?" " Does it make a difference?" " Oh, yeah." " Wait a second." "Is this your first time?" " Yeah, Tommy, it is." "You're gonna remember this the rest of your life." "Can't believe you've never been cow tipping before." "Get ready to live!" "She's sleeping." "What you do is put your shoulder into her and you push." " And?" " They fall over." "And this doesn't strike you as kinda' dumb?" "We're family." "We're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together." "Wait 'til Christmas." "You keep your feet shoulder-width apart." "Stay between the udder and the hock, it's a... 32 belly option on 2-1-2." "Ready!" "Hut!" "Holy Shnikees!" "Hey, get off my property!" "Run for it!" " I'll save you brother!" " I'm ok." "Get away from me!" "Get up!" " Come on!" " I love you." "Hey, get me!" "My turn!" "Over here!" "These shoes are Italian." "They're worth more than your life." "Man!" "Did I get dooshed with mud!" "Hey Chucko, that doesn't smell like mud." "Oh, man, that's cold!" "I'm a maniac." "Maniac  on the floor." "And i'm dancing like I never danced before." "Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?" "Why?" " Mornin', Richard." " Hi." "Luke, I am your father." "I've interrupted "happy time"." "Look, your father wants you to check out the delay problems we're having at the loading dock." "Now, I know you'd love to just sit there and keep being... not slim, but we gotta work a little today, okay." " That was from Star Wars"." " I know." "R.T. I think I figured out the problem." "This order's going to Columbus." "That's a one day delivery, but you've got it marked down for two." "That's because it's going to Columbus, Georgia, not Columbus, Ohio." "You see these letters by the city?" "That's called a state." " What else you got, Wonder Boy?" " That's pretty much it for now." "Tommy, maybe you should go back to college for another 7 years and study a globe." "Tommy Callahan?" "Michelle Brock." "Chaparrall High." "Remember?" "Yeah, I remember!" "I sat next to you in History." "You work here?" "It's so bizarre that you work here." "Come on in!" "Oh, and forget about R.T.!" "He's pissed off 'cause he recently found out what a loser he is." "A loser he is!" "Nice." "How come you don't put the files in the file cabinets?" "I don't like file cabinets." " Why not?" " You have to open them." "I've got my own system." "Hasn't failed me yet." "All the shipping orders go through me, which means I spend about half of my pathetically anal life in here." "So if I couldn't do things my own way, i'd probably freak out and blow up the whole town." "Cool!" "Hey, remember your brother, Duane?" "Whatever happened to him?" "We used to go to "Safeway" all the time and get caught trying to steal doughnuts." "He's a cop." "He had to get a real job when my parents moved to Cuyahoga Falls." " Want one?" " I'd better not." "I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem." "I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time and i'd get 'em lodged right in this region here." " How about some coffee?" " I'd love some." " Man, I bet half the town's here." " Yeah..." " You look great dad." " You look good too, Tommy Boy." "Listen, this marriage thing, I know it's a big step... but you know..." "Ever since your mom died..." "Something about getting old and being alone." "You know... it's something..." "Dad..." "It's cool, you know." "I just want you to be happy." "Yeah, I know you do." "And I am, kid!" "I am, Tommy boy." " They're ready for you sir." " Good." "We're ready too." " How do we look?" " Chubby?" "I think that's the champagne talking." "And so these vows are held sacred from now until eternity." "If there's any person who finds a reason these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace." "You kiddin'?" "Go get her, Tom!" "Now by the power invested in me by the state of Ohio, i now pronounce you man and wife." "You may kiss the bride." "Say something for the bride and groom!" "Hey dad and Beverly, this is Michelle Brock, the prettiest gal in Sandusky." " Michelle, say a little something into the camera!" " A little something into the camera." "Sounds good, Tom, but i'd like to take a look at your operation before I commit." "Fair enough, Doug. 'Course I can get a hell of a good look at a t-bone steak by sticking my head up a bulls ass, but i'd rather take a butcher's word for it." "Bull's ass, that's great." "And you guarantee everything you sell?" "You know I could guarantee you all day long, but we both know a guarantee is only as good as the man who writes it." "Sounds good, Tom." "I'll send the contract next week." "Good man!" "You're still the best, Tom." "Eight whisky-sours and I still sell the son of a bitch." "Damn i'm good." "I just wanna tell you you really look dynamite today, Beverly." "Yeah, Tom, you're a lucky man." "Boy, would I like to get some of that!" "Good Lord!" "Oh no!" "Listen, Richard, you got a edit button on that thing?" " It'll cost ya." " Come here, you little prick!" "All right, all right, hold it a second folks!" "Wait a minute..." "Yeah, yeah, workin'." "Listen, I wanna thank you all for coming today to welcome two new Callahans to the family." "My beautiful wife, Beverly and my new son, Paul." "I feel like i'm the luckiest man in the world today." "Hit it!" "And right now i'm gonna need you, Tommy boy, to get this place going." " Oh, for me dad?" " Yeah, you Tommy boy." "Dad, I really don't think..." "Okay." "First rocker, take it, Tommy boy!" "That's right, Tommy boy!" "Shake the rock to me!" "That's right, dad!" "Dad?" "Somebody call 911!" "There's not much more we can say, really." "We've lost someone we love, and it hurts." "Even though Tom is gone, he'll remain in our lives for ever." "comforting us, making us laugh... and marching over us." "My dad gave me this boat." "We'd come out here late at night, when there's no one else in the lake and then he'd be over there, on the shore, and he'd yell:" ""Quit playing with your dingle!"" "I'm gonna really miss him." " Your father was a great guy." " Yeah." "I'm really glad you brought me out here." "Can't believe you wanted to." "Although it's pretty fun." "If we had some wind..." "I can't believe there's no wind." "You need wind... cause it, uh" " Helps push the sail." " Yeah." "So, what are you gonna do now?" "I don't know." "But, I gotta do something." "I don't know what." " Man, do I sound like an idiot?" " No." "Sorry about this wind." "I can't believe there isn't any wind out here." " This is ridiculous." " No, it's great." "It's very peaceful." "Hey tub-o!" "You ain't moving!" "Yeah, need a little wind here!" "No." "You need to drop a couple 100 pounds, blimp!" "Rascals." "I guess that's your theory." "So, we'll see what happens tomorrow." "Hey, your sail is limp, like your dick!" "Watch your language in front of the lady, punk!" "Geez!" "You were saying?" "Hey, Gilligan, did you eat the Skipper?" "You kids better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up, cause i'll come over there and shove an oar up your ass!" "Eapers creepers, those guys keep interrupting us." "I'm sorry about that." "You were saying about the uh..." "Hey lady, look out!" "There's a fat whale on your boat!" "Yeah." "Free Willy!" "Listen up you little spazoids, i know where you live and i've seen where you sleep." "I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what i've done to you!" "I was just kidding." "I've no idea where they live." "That was awesome!" "Ladies and gentlemen, we're in real trouble." "Zalinsky Industries has an offer on the table to buy us out." "But as you realize "Callahan" has been family owned since Tommy's great grandfather laid the first brick" "And i'll be damned if that's gonna change on my watch." "Frank, if we sell while our value's still high, everyone who owns stock in this company stands to make a lot of money." "That of course includes you, Mrs. Callahan," "Now that you and Tommy are the primary shareholders." "It seems vulgar to think about money at a time like this." "I don't wanna hear the word "sell" again." "But Ron, we do need that loan to keep us afloat until we figure things out." "I'm sorry, Frank, we can't do it." "Tom got in way over his head when he built the new brake pad division." "The bank just can't take any chance in putting up any more money." "Now, let's face it, when big Tom died, "Callahan Auto" may have died with him." "If this factory goes under, the whole town goes under." "And that's when the whores come in." "Excuse me, what was that?" "Men laying their trick-money down." "20 dollars to pay the rent?" "Maybe instead i'll spend it on the whore." "Frank, I really don't think we have any choice." "Maybe I can help." "I give you everything i've got:" "my house, the stock." "If I give you that stuff, it's collateral, then would you give us that loan?" "Yes, I suppose so." "Wait a second!" "What are you saying, Tommy?" "You just wanna hand over your inheritance?" "Right." "If it'll help get the brake pads going." "My dad said the new pads were the future of "Callahan"." "But who's going to sell them?" "I will." " I'll go on my dad's sale trip." " I'll be damned!" "Whores running around doing their little behind shake for the men folk." "I kinda like her idea." "For Christ's sake, once during the war I visited a prostitute, and my life has been a living hell eversince." "Hold on a minute!" "Do we really wanna put the future of the company in Tommy's hands?" "We're running low on options here, Ted." "I can hold out Zalinsky for a couple of weeks." "What have we got to lose?" "How about the jobs of 300 people?" "No offense, Tommy, but you don't know the first thing about brake pads." "Hey, I know i'm not probably the answer you guys are looking for, but I feel I gotta do something." "You're right." "I don't know much about this stuff, but he does." "Oh, no!" "That's right." "Richard knows more about brake pads than anyone in here." "And since you were my dad's right-hand man, i see you have the rest of the year pretty much wide open." "Time out!" "Bad idea." "I don't think anyone could help Baby Huey out there on the road." "You have a better suggestion?" "I can actually hear you're getting fatter." "What did I say about eating in the car, anyways?" "That it's not good cause it spoils your dinner?" "Hey, Tommy, this is not a vacation for me." "And i'm here against my will, so the least you can do is pretend to work." "Ok?" "Now let's review!" "Okay, you're right." "Review time." "Let's do it up!" "Feed me!" "First, what are the three grades of Callahan Brake pads?" "Personal, commercial and... agricultural." "And what is our carrying charge for all the merchandise in the warehouse?" " One and a..." " Half per cent!" "I knew that!" "Why can't I remember it?" "Try an association, like, uh:" "Let's say the average person uses 10% of their brain." "How much do you use?" "1,5%." "The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin." "I gotta do this!" "This's got to be the one!" "I gotta do this." "It's gotta be me..." " Are you ready?" " Yeah." "Sorry, i'm ready." " Hey, does this suit make me look fat?" " No, your face does." "Okay, let's check you out!" "All right." " That's a clip-on." " Are you sure?" "Alright now, it's sales time, remember we don't take no" " No shit from anyone." " No." " We don't take no prisoners." " We don't take no for an answer." "Oh yeah." "We don't take no for an answer..." " No." " Okey dokey." " No." " Gotcha." "Thanks." "Terrific!" "Thanks for your time." "Let me say... maybe." "Well then, i'd just like to add that the spectrometer read-out on the nickel-cadmium alloy mix indicates a good, rich strobe n' fade, decreasing incidence of wear to the pressure plate." " If you could just..." " Whoa, little fella, you're not speaking my language." "What my associate is trying to say, is that our new brake pads are really cool." "You're not even gonna believe it." "Like, let's say you're driving along the road, with your family..." "And you're driving along..." "And then all of a sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road, and you hit the brakes." "Woah, that was close." "Now let's see what happens when you're driving with "the other guy's brake pads"." "You're driving along, you're driving along, and suddenly your kids are yelling from the back seat." ""I gotta go to the bathroom, daddy!" "Not now, dammit!"" "Truck tire!" "I can't stop!" "There's a cliff!" "And your family screaming:" ""Oh my God, we're burning alive!"" "No, I can't feel my leg!" "Here comes the meat-wagon." "And the medic gets out and says:" ""Oh, my God!"" "New guy's in the corner, puking his guts out." "All because you wanna save a couple of extra pennies... and to me, it doesn't" "Get out!" "Now!" "Yes, sir." " Do you validate?" " Now!" "She's a quart low." "Oh, yeah?" "Then guess what, open it back up and put it in!" "That's your penance for your puppet show back there." "And while you're at it, fill it up with gas, okay?" "I'm gonna ask directions to the next huge embarrassing failure." "You're a huge embarrassing failure." " What?" " Nuthin'." "Hey chief, could you tell me how far it is to Davenport?" "22 mi." " I can't find it on this map." " Well, get yourself a new map." "Son of a..." "Well, it's gotta be on the map, Davenport, because you say it's 22mi away." "And you're really smart..." "Yet it's not on the map." " I'm picking up your sarcasm." " I'd hope so... 'cause i'm laying it on you pretty thick." "That's a map of Illinois, which we're in." "On the border of Iowa." "Which is where Davenport is, 22 mi away." "You're in the wrong state." "Get yourself a new map!" "That wasn't so hard, was it?" "How much do I owe your for gas?" " You didn't pump any." " What?" "!" "Why didn't you pump any gas?" "They're all out." "They only got diesel." "Better go to the next station!" "What'd you do?" "I'd just like to welcome you all to our annual Callahan Employee Night." "I know it doesn't quite feel the same without Big Tom here, but we're still a family." "So let's try and have some fun!" "Hey, Mr. Rittenhauer!" "Is it true Tommy's on the road trying to save this place?" "Tommy's out there filling in for his dad until we get things settled here." "Are you kidding?" "We're all screwed!" "That kid's one apple that fell way off the tree." "Mommy, I want a popsicle." "That hurt!" "You wanna act like a baby, i'll treat you like one." "Now, if you wanna act like a big boy..." "Bad mommy." "Don't call me that, it's creepy." "Come on, this is working out better than we planned." "I thought it'd take a year to bleed him dry in the divorce settlement." "Instead the guy croaks, you own half the company." "Yeah, it's too bad he didn't leave me any cash." " You talked to the banker?" " Yeah." "Unfortunately your stock isn't worth dick until they sell the place." "That moment is rapidly approaching." "Hi, grandpa." "Mr. Rittenhauer, is Tommy, you know, doing okay?" "Yeah, sometimes it takes a little time for a salesman to find his style." " You think he's finding one?" " I hope so." "Hold on right there honey." "I'll see you Michelle." "See you." "I'm telling you, Paul... the only thing keeping us poor is Tommy." "The guy's an idiot." "He won't sell squat." "This is what I think of Callahan." "Tommy saved the factory." "That's a laugh!" "I don't see any McKeesport." "It's the next town, Tons-of-Fun." "It's gotta be there." "Ok, where's moron?" "Moron's here, so McKeesport..." "Look, Magellan, we're at this wrinkle here." "You saw it happen." "There was nothing I could do, right?" "Maybe if you didn't lean over to insult me you would have seen it coming." "Shut up, Tommy!" "It's not my fault." "Poor little furry thing!" "I'd never seen one close up before." "What are we gonna do?" "We can't just leave it here." "Oh, no!" "Loading it up took us over an hour." "Now we only got 20 minutes before "Brady Automotive" closes." " Yeah, where are we gonna take the deer?" " I don't know." "The vet?" "You take dead animals to the vet?" " Why not?" "I'd take you to the vet." " Yeah, i'll take you to the..." " Got that?" " Shut up!" " It's just down the hall sir, last door on the left." " Thank you." "Hey, what's your hurry?" "You know that thing in the back seat?" "It's not an air refreshener." "It's a dead rotting deer carcass." "And we gotta take care of it quick." "And this is one of our oldest customers, we should be in and out." "This sales thing isn't so easy." "You can't just go in and out, you gotta finesse'm a little bit." "Hey, by finesse do you mean sputtering sentence fragments and lighting things on fire?" "No, but..." "It's nice to see you again Mr. Insult." "Say, have you seen Richard anywhere?" "Cause if you do, can you ask him, i mean, since he's so good, if he might wanna try selling?" "Oh yeah?" "Watch and learn." "Of course I understand what "no" means." "But if I took no for an answer i probably would wind up on a street corner selling spicy hotdogs and wearing a funny hat, right?" "It makes sense, doesn't it?" "Look, i've been doing business with Callahan since I hung up my shingle." "But I don't like you." "Probably never will." "You're a smug unhappy little man, and you treat people like they were idiots." "Mr. Brady, you and my dad go way back." "Son, I was sorry to hear about your dad, I was." "But before I decide to keep my business with your place, i'd have to come by and have a look at your new operation." "Hey, i'll tell you what:" "you can take a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there but wouldn't you rather take his word for it?" "What?" "I'm failing to make the connection here, son." "No, I mean, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass, but then..." "No, it's gotta be your bull." "Here's the deal, if I want you" " You have derailed." " Shut up, Richard!" "Boy, i'm really at a loss for words here." "Forget it." "I quit." "I can't do this anymore man." "My head's about to explode." "My whole life sucks." "I don't know what i'm doing." "I don't know where i'm going." "My dad just died." "We just killed Bambi." "I'm out here getting my ass kicked, and every time I drive down the road, i want to jerk the wheel into a goddamn bridge embankment!" "We'll be in touch." "That guy might not call us." "I can't believe you called me a psycho." "Were you in there just now?" "You are a psycho." "Good God!" "And comb your hair." "I wouldn't say you did much better." "I thought you were so cool." "Watch and learn he says." "And i was watching." "You know what I saw?" "It's alive!" "I think it tried to bite me!" "No way that just happened." "My car is completely destroyed." "I swear i've seen a lot of stuff in my life, but that was awesome!" "But sorry about your car, man." "It sucks." "We'll return to the "Zalinsky Family Theater" after these messages." "Will you shut the window, Tommy!" "You're letting moths in." " No, it's hot in here." " Will you please..." "Look, it's him!" "America, if you need starters, spark plugs, ball joints, gaskets, camshafts, u-joints or rocker-arms, anything that can be screwed or glued to that car or truck of yours?" "Come see ol' Ray!" "You want a guarantee?" "I got a guarantee stamped on every box." "He's got really weird hair." "But more important is the guarantee that I make to the American worker." "I want your truck to help you get the job done." "I want your cruiser to get out there safely, so you can clean up the streets." "And I want your kids to be safe when you take them for a ride." " Thanks, Ray." " Thank you, son." "The name's Zalinsky." "I make car parts for the American working man, because that's who I am." "And that's who I care about." "Drive down to Zalinsky." "He's the auto parts king." "He seems like a nice guy." "This is the guy trying to buy the company, not to mention put you on the street and all you can say is "he seems like a nice guy"?" "He does." "Michelle!" "I'm glad you called me back." "Yeah, things are going great." "I feel my first sale coming out real soon." "Yeah, he's here." "He's just going over his car insurance forms." "Could we get any more moths in here?" "What?" "Oh, Richard's vacuuming." "He's vacuuming." "I don't know." "I guess he's clean." "Can I call you back in a few minutes?" "Thanks." "I miss you." "Hey!" "You can't sleep with the window open." "And let me lay down some other rules too." " What are you so mad about?" " Are you nuts?" "Do you even have to ask?" "My car is destroyed." "We haven't made one sale." "Which means we only have to sell about a half million brake pads in the next ten days, or else the factory is going under." "And the one guy who should be caring about this, you, doesn't." "You know what, Richard?" "You don't know me as good as you think you do." "I care about stuff, i'm getting better at this sales thing." "I'm not, but I could if you help me." "Forget it, I have enough to do without having to change your diapers." " Richard, is this your coat?" " Don't do it!" "Fat guy in little coat." "No." "Fat guy in a little coat." "Take it off." "I'm serious." "Richard, what's happening?" " Good tune man." " I don't think so." " Yeah, here we go." " This song sucks." " Talk about lame." " Totally." "You can change it if you want." " I don't care, it's up to you." " I can live with it if you can." "Suit yourself." "Oh, God." "Hey, I was just thinking, when we stopped for gas this morning i think it was you who put the oil in." "Hey, if you're gonna say I didn't put the right kind, then you're wrong." "I used 10W-30." "And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident." "True." "But you can't latch the hood too well if you don't take the can out you no-selling waste of space!" "I swear to God you're worthless." "I'm sorry about your car." "But don't call me worthless." "I'm trying my best." "I'm not my dad." "That's right." "You're not your dad." "He could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves." " Ketchup popsicle?" " Yeah." "I learned everything I know from him." "I didn't have a father, and he looked out for me." "But you!" "He was your real dad and you just took it for granted." "Hey, i'm big Tom's son, he'll fix everything, so i'm allowed to be a moron." "That's it!" "Get out of the car!" "It's go time, you and me." "Look Mommy, the rhino is getting too close to the car." "Him too 'fraid to get out." "He just a little guy." "That's it big boy." "I'm gonna wall on you." "You're gonna regret volunteering for this job, Porky." "Hey boys and girls, it's Papa Smurf!" "You know what, you don't want none of me, think it through." "Come on, give me your best shot, and i'll give you a free one!" "Let me have it!" "That's it?" "Come on, you can do better than that, can't ya Captain Limp Wrist?" "Try again." "Hey everybody, is there a window open?" "I feel a draft." "If I wanted a kiss, i woulda called your mother." "That was a good one." "Prehistoric Forest..." "Richard, do I have a mark on my face?" "It really hurts." "No, nothing." "I thought i hit you on the shoulder." "My shoulder doesn't hurt very much, but my face does." "Right here." "Not here, or here so much, but right here." "Nope." "Sheep shape." "Waitress could I get that shrimp cocktail I saw on the glass case?" "Yeah." "And you..." "What can I get- Jesus, what happened to your face?" "I knew it." "See, Richard?" "I'll have chicken wings." "Kitchen's closed until dinner." "I just got cold stuff and desserts." "Boy, some chicken wings would really hit the spot." "You sure it's closed?" "Let me check." "Yup, it's closed." "Okay." "I'll just have a sugar packet or two." " Hey, what's your name?" " Helen." "That's nice." "You look like a Helen." "Helen, we're both in sales." "Let me tell you why I suck as a salesman." "Let's say I go into some guy's office let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something." "Well, then I get all excited, i'm like Jo-Jo, the idiot circus-boy, with a pretty new pet." "The pet is my possible sale." "Oh, my pretty little pet." "I love you!" "So I stroke it, and i pet it, and I massage it." "I love it, I love my little naughty pet." "You're naughty." "And then I take my naughty pet, and I go..." "I killed it!" "I killed my sale!" "That's when I blow it." "That's when people like us have got to forge head, Helen." "Am I right?" "God, you're sick." "Tell you what, i'll go turn the friers back on and throw some wings in for ya." "Thanks, Helen." "Tommy like-y." "Tommy want wing-y." "Did that board to the head knock something loose?" "What are you talking about?" "That 180 you just pulled at the waitress." "Why can't you sell like that?" "I'm just having fun." "If we didn't get the wings, so what?" "We still got that meat-lovers' pizza in the trunk." "You got the wings cause you're relaxed." "You had confidence." "And that's what it takes to sell." "Confidence." "Your dad had that." "Why do you always have to de-turd this things?" "My dad was smart, i'm not." "Very true." "But there's two types of smarts, book smarts, which waved bye-bye to you long ago, and there's street-smarts, the ability to read people." "And you know how to do that, just like your dad." "He was the best at knowing what people wanted to hear, and what people needed to hear." "That's what selling is all about." "In a way, these people are buying you, not just brake pads." "Hey everybody, it's Tony Robbins!" " Maybe you're right, Richard." " I think I am." "Holy Lord, look at this guy, caught him right after thanksgiving feast." " Nice, Richard." " Now I need a Pooper-Scooper." "I like your line." "And I like your prices." "But there's a problem." "There's no guarantee on the box." "If they break down, you can call me at home, even if i'm watching TV." "Callahan has guaranteed every part sold since 1925." "Maybe so, but it's not on the box." "It should always be on the box." "Comforting you, calling out "I'm good." "I'll never let you down."" ""But if I do, i'm gonna make all things better."" "Our brake pads are made of a non-corrosive poly-plated..." "Son, if you're not talking about a guarantee, skip it." "My customers need to see that little label, lookin' at 'em right in the eye." " Hey, you can get a good look at your butcher..." " No." "What?" " Remember, chicken wings." " Chicken wings?" "Alright, uh, you wanna talk about guarantees, then..." "Fellas, you just ran out of time." "Chicken wings." "Let's think about this for a sec, Ted." "Why would someone put a guarantee on a box?" "Hmm, very interesting." "Go on!" "I'm listening." "Here's the way I see it, Ted." "A guy puts a fancy guarantee on the box 'cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside." " Yeah, makes a man feel good." " Of course it does." "Why shouldn't it?" "You figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come down and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?" "What's your point?" "The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer?" ""Building model airplanes" says the little fairy." "Well, we're not buying it." "He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes." "Next thing you know there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter is knocked up." "I've seen it a hundred times." "But why do they put a guarantee on the box then?" "'Cause they know all they sold you was a guaranteed piece of shit." "That's all it is, isn't it?" "Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it "guaranteed", I will." "I got spare time." "But for now, for your customers' sake, for your daughter's sake you might wanna think about buying a quality product from me." "Okay, i'll buy from you." " Well I..." " What?" "!" "He's made one deal, Paul." "It's not the end of the world." "What would be good for us?" "We wanna sell the factory." "They're not gonna sell the factory as long as Tommy keeps making sales." "Why don't you come to bed?" "I got it!" "What does every factory need?" "Trucks." "They make stuff." "They gotta ship it." "It's most simple." "We stop the trucks, we stop Tommy boy." "Not good." "Come on man, let's at least take five minutes to celebrate our first victory!" "Look, we got lucky, don't jinx it." "We only have a week left before the loan's due." "I gotta finish figuring out our trips tonight, so we can jam out early." "Okay, i'll tell you what." "You work out that scientific stuff, i'll go out and get a pizza." "The only thing I need to figure out is whether to get Chicago style or thin crust." "The salesman has left the building." "Chill bud." "Oh, mamasita!" "Hi." "Tommy, scram!" "Don't give her the weight room thing!" "Do you know where the weight room is?" "I'll check it out." "Sorry." "Oh, daddy likes!" "You get wet honey, you deserve a swim..." "Now take off that itchy robe." "Nobody's around." "It's naughty time." "Oh, for the love of God, i've been patient." "Please, don't stop!" "You've been on the- Oh, those are real!" "No one's looking." "Speaking of "no one's looking"..." "Bad girl." "Ah, thank you..." "I'm back." " Richard, what were you doing?" " Going over some documents." " Where are they?" "Geez, I don't see them." " They're in my briefcase." " I thought you were getting pizza." " They were closed." "How could you be reading documents when they're in your briefcase?" "That's a mystery." " Were you watching "Spank-tro-Vision"?" " Ok then, let's hit it!" "Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, oh, what's his name?" "Buddy Wackett?" "All right then, let's get some shut eye!" " Hey, that's a pretty girl down there." " Good for her!" "Geez, I wonder if she goes out with one of the "Yankees"." "Couldn't tell ya." "Big day tomorrow." "I hope we can keep this momentum going." "Yup, that'd be good." "Richard?" "Who's your favorite little rascal?" "Alfalfa or is it Spanky?" "Sinner!" "Yes, i'll buy." "Yes, I like what I hear." "Yes, sounds good." "By the way, did you ever eat paint chips as a kid?" "Son of a..." "A thousand units to Oshkosh?" "Tommy, that's fabulous!" "Your dad never sold a thousand in Oshkosh." "uh uh, since i've been here." "Lord, I never had to tinkle so bad in all my life." "Richard!" "You're a riot!" "Stop the car!" "Son of a..." "What the hell's gotten into you?" "My thing got stuck in the zipper, i got piss all over my pants." "Ok, thanks." "Bye, I owe you." "Oh, there you are." "While I was waiting i thought i'd make a couple calls." "Okay, mom, i'll call you later then, bye bye." "What do you want?" "I just wanted to tell you that Tommy's been talking a lot about you recently and well, thought you might wanna know that." "God, he's so sweet." "You've no idea how much it means having you and your mom as family." "He says the sweetest things about her." "Everything he does is sweet." "So, when does sweetie get back?" "This Friday." "Which is great, because we're backed up on orders as it is." "He's turned into this..." "selling machine." "Well, between that and the sweetness, i'd say hang on to it." "I gotta go." "Yes, sir." "I can have that for you tomorrow." "Well, that'd be great." "Thank you sir." " Housekeeping." " No, thank you." "Sleeping." " Housekeeping." " Could you come back here in an hour?" " Housekeeping." "You want towel?" " No towels, need sleepy." "Housekeeping." "You want mint for pillow?" "Please, go away!" "Let me sleep, for the love of God!" "Housekeeping." "You want me jerk you off?" "What kind of hotel is this." "what the hell are" " Oh, it's you." "Good morning, sunshine." "Hey, guess what, I just called "Auto Tech" and they decided to make an order." "So according to my calculations, that puts us over the mark." " We did it?" " We did." "Oh, Richard, i'm so happy!" "Hold me!" "Don't run away from your feelings!" "Something went haywire down at shipping and receiving." "Your shipments got screwed up in the computer, the wrong parts went to the wrong cities." "Now all hell's broken lose." "I don't believe this." "Ok, so we call everyone and explain what happened." "Half the orders have already been cancelled." "What?" "!" "They think it's an indication of how things work around here." "The real problem is that we won't be able to make the payment to the bank." "It's like a bad "Twilight Zone"." "I think i'm growing a tumor." "Look, we talk to the bank." "Maybe they'll give us a break." "We've been doing business with them for 23 years." "Tommy, it's all over." "You made a valiant effort, but we're gonna have to sell to Zalinsky." "I'm flying to Chicago to sign over the company." " What's gonna happen to the factory?" " He's gonna shut it down." "Zalinsky doesn't care about our workers." "He wants the Callahan name, that's all." "Did anyone see "Scanners"?" "Bottom line is, by 6pm tomorrow we'll all be unemployed." "Don't say anything, ok!" "I know i've ruined your entire life, and you hate me, so let me pack my things and go crawling through a dark hole for a few years." "Hi." " So, do you hate me?" " I just don't get it." "I guaranteed overnight delivery." " We faxed to our shipping addresses, didn't we?" " Yes." "And they were right when I put them into my computer." "I swear." "And how could- Oh, man!" "This was so big!" "I know it was big, but it wasn't my fault." "Why can't you put your files in the file cabinet like everybody else, uh?" "I mean, maybe if you weren't such a rebel, you could've avoided..." "Don't worry because i've quit." "So you won't have to put up with anything anymore." "Michelle, wait!" "Come on, please!" "Thanks." "Have a good flight." "May I help you?" "Hi, I called about a ticket to Cuyahoga Falls, the name's Brock." "Right." "That flight goes through Columbus." "Let me just call that up for you." "Excuse me." "Hello, is detective Duane Brock on duty today?" "This town doesn't even know what's about to hit it." "Fish in a barrel, my man." "Town's the fish, people are the barrel." "Fish in a barrel..." "What's wrong with you, Richard?" "You can't drink in a car." "Don't you know we could get busted for that?" "I'm sorry." "I need not know that." "Right now we got a bigger problem." " That is?" " Beer's coming back up." "Oh, Lord!" "Here we go!" "Cops!" "Dammit, Richard." "The whole car smells like beer." "They're never gonna believe i wasn't drinking." "Hold on!" " What are you doing?" " I got an idea." "What the hell?" "When I stop the car, run out screaming." "No problem." "Little trick my dad taught me." "Bees!" "Bees!" "Bees in the car!" "Bees everywhere!" "God, they're huge!" "They're ripping my flesh!" "Son, roll around!" "Do you hear me?" " Roll around on the ground!" " Forget that, i'm starting to swell up!" "Save yourself, Tommy!" "Don't be the hero!" " Frank, i'm allergic to bees." " Me too." "They're huge and they sting crazy!" "We'll come back later to check on you." "Save yourselves!" "Your firearms are useless against them!" "Holy shnikees, it worked!" "I just barfed in an anthill." "Cool!" "Wow, I think they're pissed." "Yeah." "That's the answer." "Doesn't look like the answer." "I don't remember eating that." "No!" "Zalinsky." "We go to Chicago, tell him we're not for sale." "He seems like a good guy on TV." "He'll understand." "You're dreaming." "You can't stop him." "You lost your shares to the bank, remember?" "What the hell?" "In less than 24hs i'll lose the factory anyway." "So why not give it a shot?" " Chicago?" " Chicago." " You can't park here!" " Keep it!" "Where are you going?" "Leave me a message and i'll get back to you." "Thanks." "Hi, Michelle." "This is Tommy." "Listen, i'm sorry about what I said." "I was being an idiot." "I wanna apologize cause, I didn't mean it." "Anyway, me and Richard are going to Chicago, to straighten things out." "The next flight to Chicago boards in five minutes but i'm sorry, it's completely sold out." "I can put you on another one at 3 o' clock this afternoon." "Lady, we really need to get to Chicago." "It's an emergency." "Is there anything you can do?" "I can put you in to Salt Lake City, by 16.00..." "I don't have time to go thru another city." "I need a direct flight to Chicago." "Oh, I can reserve you a flight coming back from Chicago at 17.55..." "Does that help?" "Hi." "I'm Earth." "Have we met?" "I don't think so." "So, i'll talk to you later." "Okay, bye." "We're screwed." "No tickets to Chicago." "Not even stand- by." "There's gotta be something we can do." "Wait a minute!" "You got any money?" "Cause I got a plan!" "We're gonna get busted, let's get out of here!" "Too late." "Hey, guess who's here!" "What are we serving tonight, chicken or... chicken?" "What a nice surprise!" "They said we were gonna be short-handed this leg." "You two take coach." "Oh, and could you handle the announcements?" "Okey dokey." "No problemo." "They're gonna know we're bogus." "Relax!" "You get on the horn!" "I throw some peanuts at 'em." "We'll be in Chicago before you know it." "Ok, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy." "He'll be taking you through my little spiel here." "Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking, and he's never been laid." "Exits!" "Ok, there's one back here, and there's probably one over by the wing, somewhere, usually." "And what about seat belts?" "To fasten, take the little end and stick it in the big end." "You know what, if you guys don't know how to use a seat belt, just ring the call button and Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tack hammer cause you are a retard." "Ok, and life preservers." "These we may need." "Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake?" "My money says if anything, it's gonna be a mountain." "To inflate, put it around your neck and yank down on the tab." "Son of a!" "I can't breathe!" "Chocking!" "He's a big dumb animal, isn't he folks?" "Folks, we're making our final approach into Chicago." "Ma'am, are you still alive?" "Ma'am there's a half hour time limit." "Ok, now, we're running out of time, so you can't go see Zalinsky like that." "Now go change!" "Go!" "Fasten your seat belt." "I'm okay." "I'm fine, i'm fine now." " What are you doing?" " I'm nervous so i'm sweating." "You're gonna smell like a cab driver." "Not to say that that's bad." "I wanna be fresh for the meeting." "Well, you look good." "Are you ready?" "Ready or not, this is crunch time." "525..." "That's it!" "Son of a..." "That's gonna leave a mark." " Whoa, look at this place!" " Welcome to the Pros." "Oh my God, it's him!" "There he is, my friend." "The King himself." "Let's do it!" "It's go time." "Where did he go?" "I don't know." "You check the elevators, i'll check the bank." "Where is he?" "where is he?" "Listen up!" "This'll only take a second!" " Wow, what's going on down here?" " Walk slow!" " Okay." "Why?" " Nothing." " Am I consorting with a known felon?" " Shut up, Richard!" "Hey mom!" "It's the guy who robbed the bank!" "I didn't rob any bank." "Oh, yeah, right." "Like there was other real fat guy with a tiny head." "I got a tiny head?" "Zalinsky." "Say something!" "Mr. Zalinsky?" "I'm Tommy Callahan." "Big Tom Callahan's son." "Sorry to hear about your dad." "He was a good man." "Went a little heavy on the pine tree perfume there, kid." "Sir, it's a taxi cab air-freshener." "Great, you've pinpointed it." "Step two is washing it off." "Sir, what exactly happened here?" "He came out of the shadows behind me and after he hit me many many times in the head, with a hammer i had to give him my gun, you know, i've got kids." "So as more details emerge on this attempted bank robbery," "Action 8 will be there." "But the "Callahan" factory's been in my family for 70 years, you can't just shut it down." "Son, you gotta look at it from my point of view." "Callahan's a premium name." "That's what i'm buying." "I can make the parts in one of my factories, put 'em in a Callahan box and sell 'em in my stores." "At a premium price." "Why keep your factory going when all I want is the goddamned box?" "I'll tell you why." "Cause there's a town involved here." "Callahan factory is the only thing keeping it alive." "Look, believe it or not, i'm providing a service." "I'm thinning the corporate herd." "You've seen "Daktari"?" "The weaker animals always go." "So the kids cry when you tie an old tiger to a tree and shoot him." "But that's life!" "America's in a state of renewal." "We've gotta have the strength to tie a few factories to a tree and bash 'em with a shovel." "Meanwhile, if I can grab your share of the market, put a little coin in the pocket, by being the asshole?" "Well, what the hell, you know what I mean?" "Boy, you sure are different in your TV commercials." "What the American public doesn't know is what makes them the American public, alright?" "God, I love that!" "Hell, folks believe me when I tell them: we're not just building automotive components here we're adding horsepower to the American industry." "You say a word to anyone and i will kill you." "Do you understand me?" "It looks real." "Yeah, television's been good to me, son." "I make car parts for the American working man, because that's what I am and that's who I care about." "The truth is I make car parts for the American working man because i'm a hell of a salesman, and he doesn't know any better." "Well, son, since you're no longer the shareholder, this is where I leave you." "Don't feel bad." "This chain of events was set in motion a long long time ago." "You and your bald headed friend, you did what you could, that's commendable." "Marty, have security see these boys out!" "Mrs. Callahan." "What's my family doing in there?" "I thought they were on my side." "They had a lot to gain if the factory was sold." "Boy, did I screw up." "My so-called family deserted me." "Michelle's mad at me." "I lost the factory." "The town's going under and i'm out of a job." "Could have done without that." "Geez, i'm an idiot!" "Boy, I sure let my dad down." "You tried as hard as you could." "When we first started out I thought you'd just walk through this like you walked through everything else." "But you didn't." "So your dad would've been proud o'you." "And you got a friend out of it." "Now, I know it doesn't matter cause you have so many, but uh  I don't." "Thanks man." "Tommy." "Michelle!" " Don't tell her about my hair!" " Let it go!" "God, I was worried I wouldn't find you." " Hey, what are you doing here?" " I got your message." "Okay, I was at the airport." "I was going home." "And I saw your step-brother and your step- mother, and he was kissing her." " So?" " With his tongue." " Doing his mommy?" " She's not his mom." "They're married." "They were lying to your dad the whole time." "And my brother got these police reports." "See?" "They lied to my dad?" "They're con artists." "They suckered him." "They lied to my dad." "Richard, i'm gonna need your watch." "I've got a plan." "Folks, Mr. Zalinsky gave us specific instructions to bar you from the building." "Sorry boys." "Hopefully we'll just be in and out." "My God, he's wired!" "And uh, no cops." "Wouldn't want things to get messy." " That was fun." " Now what?" "Well, it's 6 o'clock, time for the news." "Excuse me!" "Oh God." "Done this before?" "Thank you, Marty." "My, your hands move quickly!" "Only when I see something i want, Mrs. Callahan." "Just doesn't seem right." "Hi!" "Got a second?" " What the hell's going on?" " Oh, my God, we're gonna die!" "Tommy, what are you doing?" "Hi, Ted." "Hi, Frank." "Excuse me, Marty." "Okay, we're live." "We now switch live to our reporter who's at the scene with the bomber." "This is Nicole Taylor, live from Chicago." "Hey, look!" "It's Tommy!" "Nicole, i've got something to say." "Please, may i?" "Hi." "This is Tommy Callahan here with Mr. Ray Zalinsky," "American auto-parts king." "Honey, look at this human-bomb on the news!" "Oh yeah, I buy brake pads off him." "I thought we were watching cartoons." "Mr. Zalinsky, for years you've been putting ads on TV." "And they always end up with you saying:" ""I make car parts for..." How does that go?" "I make car parts for the American working man, because that's what I am and that's who I care about." "That's why i'm here, Ray." "You see, back in Sandusky, Ohio, there are 300 American workers at "Callahan Auto"." "We make the best parts money can buy." "And right now those workers are in danger of losing their jobs." "They're praying that somebody's gonna step up and help 'em." "Is that why you've strapped a bomb to your chest?" "Oh, this isn't a bomb." "These are road flares." "Road flares?" "Did you live under power lines as a kid or something?" "Why?" "Do you guys want this or "American Gladiators"?" ""Gladiators"." "So, do you think "Zalinsky Industries" can help these folks?" "I'll be happy to look into it." "I'll tell you what, I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but i'd rather take the butcher's word for it." "Am I just severely wasted or does Tommy look bloated?" "No, it's TV, man." "Camera adds a couple... 100 pounds." "Ray, we're not looking for a handout here." "I'm offering you a great deal." "This is an order for half-a-million "Callahan" brake pads, to be sold in your stores." "Made by the American working man, for the American working man." "Absolutely." "It'd be my great pleasure." "What have I got to lose?" "A great American product, right?" "I don't believe it." "Tommy just sold half a million brake pads." "Tommy just sold a half million brake pads!" "What difference does it make?" "The company's gonna be mine in ten minutes anyway." "Right?" "Mr. Zalinsky, thank you." "Thank you Tommy boy." "And thank you." "And remember you can pick up these great brake pads from "Callahan Auto"" "all my "Zalinsky Auto Parts" outlets all over North America!" "Bravo, Tommy!" "For the moment it looks like a tragedy has been eluded and a town has been saved." "For Action News, i'm Nicole Taylor, reporting live." "Okay, we're out of here!" "Wait a minute, fat boy!" "You lost your shares to the bank." "You don't even have a right to be here." "Gee, funny you should bring that up." "'Cause i'm not sure that you have the right to be here." "What have we got here?" "Oh my God, it's a police report!" " What's all this about?" " Let's see!" "Paul Barrish, married May 1993 to Beverly Barrish, a.k.a. Beverly Burns." "Richard, how could Beverly be married to Paul and my dad at the same time?" " Interesting." " Yes." "Provocative." "Well, I think it means that your marriage to my dad was never legal." "Which also means that Beverly's shares still belong to Tommy." " Isn't that right, Mr. Rittenhauer?" " Yes." "I believe that's right." " Mr. Railly?" " I'd say that's right." " Mr. Gilmore?" " Oh, absolutely." "And let me guess, you're not going to be selling me the company now, are you Tommy boy?" "No sir." "Ray, I have no idea what they're talking about." "That's it!" "You're not gonna take this." "It's not over yet, Lee Harvey." "Let's see." "Warrants outstanding!" "New Mexico: mail fraud." "Colorado: wire fraud." "And coming soon to Ohio:" "computer fraud." "Get him!" "Don't let him leave the complex, Marty!" "Hey, you forgot your wife!" "Screw you!" "Screw all of you!" "Crash Test in Progress." "Not good." "Hit the brakes!" "That will ruin his weekend." "Well kid, you threw one by me." "Savour the flavour, cause it sure as hell won't happen again." " In the meantime, good luck to you." " Thank you sir." "Marty, cut a check to Callahan Auto for those brake pads!" "And you, with all this excitement around here, I kinda' got a little hungry." "Wanna step over to my club and have something to eat?" " Thank you." "I'd like that." " Good." "Marty, find out where the police will be taking him!" "send over a bottle of bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card." "Have it say:" ""Tough break, get drunk on me... use the bucket to ice down your marbles, yours Z."" "Well, Mr. Callahan, looks like we're back in business." "Yes sir, Mr. Rittenhauer." " That's great, Tommy!" " Thanks." "Way to go, Tommy Callahan!" " That was pathetic." " Shut up, Richard!" "It's a very proud day for me." "I want to introduce you to the new president of "Callahan Auto"," "Tom Callahan Junior." "Tommy, will you say something!" "Ever since I was a kid, you people have been like a family to me." "Louis, we built our first fort together." "And Danny, remember when we used to burn ants with a magnifying glass?" "R.T., I lost my virginity to your daughter, for crying out loud!" "Rob, you were there." "Anyway, I just want you to know that as long as i'm around, i'm gonna bust my butt and make sure that every last one of you always has a job, right here at "Callahan"." "Dad, got a little problem here." "I've been stuck here for an hour with no wind again." "I'm supposed to be at Michelles' for dinner." "So if you could give me a little help, i'd appreciate it." "If not, don't worry about it." "I'm trying to do everything i think you'd be doing, and so far it's going pretty good." "I just wanna tell you that..." "i still love you and i sure miss you a lot." "Hey, thanks dad!" "Son of a...!" "That's gonna leave a mark!" "The End." "Tommy, hurry up, you're gonna be late for school again!" "Son of a..." "TOMMY BOY" "Damn!" "Nice doggy, nice doggy!" "Holy shnikees!" "Late again Tommy?" " You're pathetic." " Shut up, Richard!" "Hurry up Tommy, hurry up!" "Damn!" "Hi." "How are you?" "Oh, man!" "No, please, God, no!" "Son of a..." "Sorry." "Excuse me." "Pard me." "Can I Just check this, uh." "D +?" "Oh my God!" "I passed!" "I passed!" "Oh, man I got a D+!" "I'm gonna graduate!" "I wish that we'd known each other." "This is a little awkward." "I'm gonna graduate!" "D+!" "Hey guys, do I look different now that i'm a college grad?" "Not really." "Apparently they give a lot fewer D+'s than D-'s." "It's not a grade they like to give out, i'll tell ya that right now." "Yeah, you mentioned that." "So, that's it for school, uh?" "Now what?" "No idea." "Well, for now i'll probably go back and work in my dad's loading dock like always." "And after that, figure it out." "I'm gonna miss you man." "You're the best." "Uh-uh, you are the best." "I love all you guys." "Specially you." "I'm gonna make a toast." "To the best bunch of rugby freaks ever born." "Yes sir." "Maybe we weren't the smartest guys on campus." "Maybe we spent too much time puking off balconies." " But we had fun, huh?" " Yeah!" "Now, some of us are leaving, and that is sad." "But this isn't the end." "No way." "We're gonna show this world a thing or two." "We're gonna show..." " Richard Hayden?" " Tommy." "So where's my dad?" "I thought he was gonna meet me at the airport." "He was at the airport this morning, but you weren't on the plane." "He said he had a surprise for me." "Maybe." "I guess you should have called." "I did call, earlier, when..." "using the phone." " Earlier?" "When was that?" " Er..." "later..." "When, when... then..." "I..." "huh.., I left a message." "A message?" "What number did you call?" " 249...5...678..." "I can't hear you." "You're trailing off." "And did I catch a "niner" in there?" "What Were you calling from, a walkie-talkie?" "No, it was cordless." "You know what?" "Don't." "Not here, not now." "Did you hear I finally graduated?" "Yeah." "And just a shade under a decade too." "All right." "You know, a lot of people go to college for 7 years." "I know." "They're called doctors." "Oh, that has to be you." "Spray that thing for bugs?" "Hey, what happened to the tire plant?" "They shut it down last month." "Would you mind not eating in the car?" "It's kind of a rule." " You still got your GTX car, huh?" " Yes." "And I dropped in a 440 Magnum with a six-pack." "You hang on to a car this cherry, kinda' like your suitcase." "Kinda' like your suitcase..." "Hey, what's new with the old gang from high-school?" "I don't know Tommy." "I didn't really like the old gang from high-school." " Hey, the muffler plant's gone too." " Yes." "Come on!" "Dammit." "That sounds good." "Melted chocolate inside the dash." "That really ups the resale value." "I think you're gonna be ok here." "They have a thin candy shell." "'Surprised you didn't know that." "I think your brain is a thick candy shell." "Your brain has the shell on it." " Are you talking?" " Shut up, Richard!" "Ron, don't tell me the bank thinks we need to wait it out." "Any business that tries to wait it out will be just that, out." "In auto-parts, you're either growing our you're dying." "There ain't no third direction." "Tom, you're talking about a huge loan." "Maybe instead of borrowing, you should take on a partner." "This always has and always will be a family firm." "My grandfather founded it in '21, my father kept it running during the depression, my aunt Ilenne, ran it when he went away to war and someday my son will run it." " Hi dad." " Tommy!" "Am I proud of you." "Mister big time, college grad, huh?" "Thanks dad." " You're looking great kid." " Thanks Mr. Rittenhauer." "Oh, how you doin' Mr. Reilly?" "Real good." "I had a kidney removed last April, but I still have the other one." "You remember Mr. Gilmore from the bank?" " Yeah." "Nice to see you again sir." " How are you?" "Listen, why don't you come out on the floor with us?" "Mr. Gilmore needs reminding of why he does business with us." "Richard, could you huh..." "Run these figures by accounting." "No problem." "My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators." "We should have something for you..." "by this afternoon." "Hard hats, gentlemen." "If you get hit in the head without wearing one of these, they scoop your brains up with a goddamned soup ladle." "Hey, look alive!" "Low bridge!" "Son of a..." " You all right, Tommy?" " Yeah..." " What happened?" " Nothing." " Danny!" "How's that new son-in-law?" " He's a real pain in the butt." "Hey Tommy, you're back!" "Way to go on that D +!" "Thanks, Danny." "Looking good man." " Hey, Tommy!" " Hey man!" "How you doing?" "Hey how are you." "Good to see ya, how you doin'?" " Hey, Sammy!" " Tommy!" "Welcome home buddy." "Hang in there, Ron." "We're almost there." "Lou, I got some papers I want you to sign in the office." " Hey, Tommy!" " What are you doing on the floor?" "Yeah, I was going crazy on the loading docks, so your dad moved me in here." " Hey, what is this thing?" " It's a buffer." "I take oil filters that need smoothing and give 'em a quick zap." "Cool!" " Can I try one?" " Help yourself." "Nice distance." " Tommy!" "Come on!" "Let's go!" " Yes, sir." "See ya." "Here she is, Ron." "My dream." "This, my friend, is our new brake pad division." "And the future of "Callahan Auto"." " Quite a sight, Tom." " This is awesome." "You say these brake pads are gonna revolutionize the industry?" "Composed of high grade steel and graphite." "They're the goddamned Rolls Royce of brake pads." "That's what they are." "I get tears off my eyes just thinking about it." "You coming awful fast, how do you do it?" "I need fresh capital for material, for new work force before I can turn these machines on." "Look out!" "I got cat- like speed and reflexes." "In 23 years, have I ever said no to you, huh?" "Why say "no" when it feels so good to say "yes"?" "I was checking the, ah, specs on the end line, for the rotary girder..." " I'm retarded..." " Okay, Tom." "Let's go!" "Yes, sir." "Okay, left." "Can I open my eyes now dad?" "I never told you you had to close them in the first place, son." "Yeah, go ahead!" "Open 'em up." "That's my name!" "Yeah, and that's your new office now, college grad." "Go on in there!" "Awesome!" "Hey, there's even a fridge!" "This is great... you can put six-packs of be" "Soda in here." "Milk, yoghurt." "You can put candy bars in the freezer." "Anything that you wanna keep cool." "Mr. Callahan, I need your John Hancock on these reports." "John Hancock..." "It's Herbie Hancock." " Richard, check out my new office!" " You've a window." "And why shouldn't you?" "You've been here 10 minutes." "Now look son, these are our new catalogues." "Get to know them, they're important." "Richard, you promise me you're gonna look after Tommy here 'til he gets his feet wet." "Sure." "And thanks for choosing me." "Now don't forget, we're going home early today." "I got another surprise for you." "Cool!" "Thanks, dad." "It's called reading." "Top to bottom, left to right." "Group words together as a sentence." "Take Tylenol for any headaches." "Midol for any cramps." "Shut up!" "Can I open my eyes now dad?" "For God's sake son, will you quit covering your damned eyes?" "Holy shnikees!" " Is that for me?" " No, son, that's for me." "Dad, she's like a ten." "Hi, honey." "This must be Tommy." " Are you Tommy?" " I'm Tommy." "I'm Beverly, and you're just adorable." "Nah..." "Son, I got an announcement to make." "Tom, i've asked Beverly to be my wife." "Wow, man!" "What did she say?" "It's so cool that you're getting married Saturday." "So where did you guys meet?" "Here you go, sweetie." "We met at the fat farm spa resort thing." "Beverly was one of the trainers." "In fact she was the only one of the trainers i didn't wanna plant six feet under a lettuce patch." "Wait 'til you hear this!" "She's got a son." "He worked at the spa too." "I met him." "He's a terrific guy." "You're really gonna like him." "He's coming here today, for the wedding." "Tommy, it sounds funny saying this, but my son is going to be your new brother." "Brother?" "I'm gonna have a brother?" "I've always dreamed about having a brother." "Speak of the devil." "A brother!" " Brother?" " I'm Paul, you must be Tommy." "Brothers don't shake hands." "Brothers gotta hug." "I can't believe I have a whole new family." "This is awesome!" "Yeah." "Great." "No offense, but if I showed a picture of your mom to some of my buddies at school she'd definitely be boner of the month." "I'm honoured." "So is there anything to do in this town besides eat?" "Tons of stuff." "Late night pitch and putt." "We go to the livestock auction and cruise the 4-H babes." "Throw stuff off the bridge." "What do you feel like doing?" "I don't know." "Something a little more dangerous." "Sure." "All you can handle bro." "Look at 'em there!" "Pretty maids all in a row." "I want the one on the left." "She's perfect." "Which one d'you want?" " Does it make a difference?" " Oh, yeah." " Wait a second." "Is this your first time?" " Yeah, Tommy, it is." "You're gonna remember this the rest of your life." "Can't believe you've never been cow tipping before." "Get ready to live!" "She's sleeping." "What you do is put your shoulder into her and you push." " And?" " They fall over." "And this doesn't strike you as kinda' dumb?" "We're family." "We're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together." "Wait 'til Christmas." "You keep your feet shoulder-width apart." "Stay between the udder and the hock, it's a... 32 belly option on 2-1-2." "Ready!" "Hut!" "Holy Shnikees!" "Hey, get off my property!" "Run for it!" " I'll save you brother!" " I'm ok." "Get away from me!" "Get up!" " Come on!" " I love you." "Hey, get me!" "My turn!" "Over here!" "These shoes are Italian." "They're worth more than your life." "Man!" "Did I get dooshed with mud!" "Hey Chucko, that doesn't smell like mud." "Oh, man, that's cold!" "I'm a maniac." "Maniac  on the floor." "And i'm dancing like I never danced before." "Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?" "Why?" " Mornin', Richard." " Hi." "Luke, I am your father." "I've interrupted "happy time"." "Look, your father wants you to check out the delay problems we're having at the loading dock." "Now, I know you'd love to just sit there and keep being... not slim, but we gotta work a little today, okay." " That was from Star Wars"." " I know." "R.T. I think I figured out the problem." "This order's going to Columbus." "That's a one day delivery, but you've got it marked down for two." "That's because it's going to Columbus, Georgia, not Columbus, Ohio." "You see these letters by the city?" "That's called a state." " What else you got, Wonder Boy?" " That's pretty much it for now." "Tommy, maybe you should go back to college for another 7 years and study a globe." "Tommy Callahan?" "Michelle Brock." "Chaparrall High." "Remember?" "Yeah, I remember!" "I sat next to you in History." "You work here?" "It's so bizarre that you work here." "Come on in!" "Oh, and forget about R.T.!" "He's pissed off 'cause he recently found out what a loser he is." "A loser he is!" "Nice." "How come you don't put the files in the file cabinets?" "I don't like file cabinets." " Why not?" " You have to open them." "I've got my own system." "Hasn't failed me yet." "All the shipping orders go through me, which means I spend about half of my pathetically anal life in here." "So if I couldn't do things my own way, i'd probably freak out and blow up the whole town." "Cool!" "Hey, remember your brother, Duane?" "Whatever happened to him?" "We used to go to "Safeway" all the time and get caught trying to steal doughnuts." "He's a cop." "He had to get a real job when my parents moved to Cuyahoga Falls." " Want one?" " I'd better not." "I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem." "I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time and i'd get 'em lodged right in this region here." " How about some coffee?" " I'd love some." " Man, I bet half the town's here." " Yeah..." " You look great dad." " You look good too, Tommy Boy." "Listen, this marriage thing, I know it's a big step... but you know..." "Ever since your mom died..." "Something about getting old and being alone." "You know... it's something..." "Dad..." "It's cool, you know." "I just want you to be happy." "Yeah, I know you do." "And I am, kid!" "I am, Tommy boy." " They're ready for you sir." " Good." "We're ready too." " How do we look?" " Chubby?" "I think that's the champagne talking." "And so these vows are held sacred from now until eternity." "If there's any person who finds a reason these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace." "You kiddin'?" "Go get her, Tom!" "Now by the power invested in me by the state of Ohio, i now pronounce you man and wife." "You may kiss the bride." "Say something for the bride and groom!" "Hey dad and Beverly, this is Michelle Brock, the prettiest gal in Sandusky." " Michelle, say a little something into the camera!" " A little something into the camera." "Sounds good, Tom, but i'd like to take a look at your operation before I commit." "Fair enough, Doug. 'Course I can get a hell of a good look at a t-bone steak by sticking my head up a bulls ass, but i'd rather take a butcher's word for it." "Bull's ass, that's great." "And you guarantee everything you sell?" "You know I could guarantee you all day long, but we both know a guarantee is only as good as the man who writes it." "Sounds good, Tom." "I'll send the contract next week." "Good man!" "You're still the best, Tom." "Eight whisky-sours and I still sell the son of a bitch." "Damn i'm good." "I just wanna tell you you really look dynamite today, Beverly." "Yeah, Tom, you're a lucky man." "Boy, would I like to get some of that!" "Good Lord!" "Oh no!" "Listen, Richard, you got a edit button on that thing?" " It'll cost ya." " Come here, you little prick!" "All right, all right, hold it a second folks!" "Wait a minute..." "Yeah, yeah, workin'." "Listen, I wanna thank you all for coming today to welcome two new Callahans to the family." "My beautiful wife, Beverly and my new son, Paul." "I feel like i'm the luckiest man in the world today." "Hit it!" "And right now i'm gonna need you, Tommy boy, to get this place going." " Oh, for me dad?" " Yeah, you Tommy boy." "Dad, I really don't think..." "Okay." "First rocker, take it, Tommy boy!" "That's right, Tommy boy!" "Shake the rock to me!" "That's right, dad!" "Dad?" "Somebody call 911!" "There's not much more we can say, really." "We've lost someone we love, and it hurts." "Even though Tom is gone, he'll remain in our lives for ever." "comforting us, making us laugh... and marching over us." "My dad gave me this boat." "We'd come out here late at night, when there's no one else in the lake and then he'd be over there, on the shore, and he'd yell:" ""Quit playing with your dingle!"" "I'm gonna really miss him." " Your father was a great guy." " Yeah." "I'm really glad you brought me out here." "Can't believe you wanted to." "Although it's pretty fun." "If we had some wind..." "I can't believe there's no wind." "You need wind... cause it, uh" " Helps push the sail." " Yeah." "So, what are you gonna do now?" "I don't know." "But, I gotta do something." "I don't know what." " Man, do I sound like an idiot?" " No." "Sorry about this wind." "I can't believe there isn't any wind out here." " This is ridiculous." " No, it's great." "It's very peaceful." "Hey tub-o!" "You ain't moving!" "Yeah, need a little wind here!" "No." "You need to drop a couple 100 pounds, blimp!" "Rascals." "I guess that's your theory." "So, we'll see what happens tomorrow." "Hey, your sail is limp, like your dick!" "Watch your language in front of the lady, punk!" "Geez!" "You were saying?" "Hey, Gilligan, did you eat the Skipper?" "You kids better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up, cause i'll come over there and shove an oar up your ass!" "Eapers creepers, those guys keep interrupting us." "I'm sorry about that." "You were saying about the uh..." "Hey lady, look out!" "There's a fat whale on your boat!" "Yeah." "Free Willy!" "Listen up you little spazoids, i know where you live and i've seen where you sleep." "I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what i've done to you!" "I was just kidding." "I've no idea where they live." "That was awesome!" "Ladies and gentlemen, we're in real trouble." "Zalinsky Industries has an offer on the table to buy us out." "But as you realize "Callahan" has been family owned since Tommy's great grandfather laid the first brick" "And i'll be damned if that's gonna change on my watch." "Frank, if we sell while our value's still high, everyone who owns stock in this company stands to make a lot of money." "That of course includes you, Mrs. Callahan," "Now that you and Tommy are the primary shareholders." "It seems vulgar to think about money at a time like this." "I don't wanna hear the word "sell" again." "But Ron, we do need that loan to keep us afloat until we figure things out." "I'm sorry, Frank, we can't do it." "Tom got in way over his head when he built the new brake pad division." "The bank just can't take any chance in putting up any more money." "Now, let's face it, when big Tom died, "Callahan Auto" may have died with him." "If this factory goes under, the whole town goes under." "And that's when the whores come in." "Excuse me, what was that?" "Men laying their trick-money down." "20 dollars to pay the rent?" "Maybe instead i'll spend it on the whore." "Frank, I really don't think we have any choice." "Maybe I can help." "I give you everything i've got:" "my house, the stock." "If I give you that stuff, it's collateral, then would you give us that loan?" "Yes, I suppose so." "Wait a second!" "What are you saying, Tommy?" "You just wanna hand over your inheritance?" "Right." "If it'll help get the brake pads going." "My dad said the new pads were the future of "Callahan"." "But who's going to sell them?" "I will." " I'll go on my dad's sale trip." " I'll be damned!" "Whores running around doing their little behind shake for the men folk." "I kinda like her idea." "For Christ's sake, once during the war I visited a prostitute, and my life has been a living hell eversince." "Hold on a minute!" "Do we really wanna put the future of the company in Tommy's hands?" "We're running low on options here, Ted." "I can hold out Zalinsky for a couple of weeks." "What have we got to lose?" "How about the jobs of 300 people?" "No offense, Tommy, but you don't know the first thing about brake pads." "Hey, I know i'm not probably the answer you guys are looking for, but I feel I gotta do something." "You're right." "I don't know much about this stuff, but he does." "Oh, no!" "That's right." "Richard knows more about brake pads than anyone in here." "And since you were my dad's right-hand man, i see you have the rest of the year pretty much wide open." "Time out!" "Bad idea." "I don't think anyone could help Baby Huey out there on the road." "You have a better suggestion?" "I can actually hear you're getting fatter." "What did I say about eating in the car, anyways?" "That it's not good cause it spoils your dinner?" "Hey, Tommy, this is not a vacation for me." "And i'm here against my will, so the least you can do is pretend to work." "Ok?" "Now let's review!" "Okay, you're right." "Review time." "Let's do it up!" "Feed me!" "First, what are the three grades of Callahan Brake pads?" "Personal, commercial and... agricultural." "And what is our carrying charge for all the merchandise in the warehouse?" " One and a..." " Half per cent!" "I knew that!" "Why can't I remember it?" "Try an association, like, uh:" "Let's say the average person uses 10% of their brain." "How much do you use?" "1,5%." "The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin." "I gotta do this!" "This's got to be the one!" "I gotta do this." "It's gotta be me..." " Are you ready?" " Yeah." "Sorry, i'm ready." " Hey, does this suit make me look fat?" " No, your face does." "Okay, let's check you out!" "All right." " That's a clip-on." " Are you sure?" "Alright now, it's sales time, remember we don't take no" " No shit from anyone." " No." " We don't take no prisoners." " We don't take no for an answer." "Oh yeah." "We don't take no for an answer..." " No." " Okey dokey." " No." " Gotcha." "Thanks." "Terrific!" "Thanks for your time." "Let me say... maybe." "Well then, i'd just like to add that the spectrometer read-out on the nickel-cadmium alloy mix indicates a good, rich strobe n' fade, decreasing incidence of wear to the pressure plate." " If you could just..." " Whoa, little fella, you're not speaking my language." "What my associate is trying to say, is that our new brake pads are really cool." "You're not even gonna believe it." "Like, let's say you're driving along the road, with your family..." "And you're driving along..." "And then all of a sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road, and you hit the brakes." "Woah, that was close." "Now let's see what happens when you're driving with "the other guy's brake pads"." "You're driving along, you're driving along, and suddenly your kids are yelling from the back seat." ""I gotta go to the bathroom, daddy!" "Not now, dammit!"" "Truck tire!" "I can't stop!" "There's a cliff!" "And your family screaming:" ""Oh my God, we're burning alive!"" "No, I can't feel my leg!" "Here comes the meat-wagon." "And the medic gets out and says:" ""Oh, my God!"" "New guy's in the corner, puking his guts out." "All because you wanna save a couple of extra pennies... and to me, it doesn't" "Get out!" "Now!" "Yes, sir." " Do you validate?" " Now!" "She's a quart low." "Oh, yeah?" "Then guess what, open it back up and put it in!" "That's your penance for your puppet show back there." "And while you're at it, fill it up with gas, okay?" "I'm gonna ask directions to the next huge embarrassing failure." "You're a huge embarrassing failure." " What?" " Nuthin'." "Hey chief, could you tell me how far it is to Davenport?" "22 mi." " I can't find it on this map." " Well, get yourself a new map." "Son of a..." "Well, it's gotta be on the map, Davenport, because you say it's 22mi away." "And you're really smart..." "Yet it's not on the map." " I'm picking up your sarcasm." " I'd hope so... 'cause i'm laying it on you pretty thick." "That's a map of Illinois, which we're in." "On the border of Iowa." "Which is where Davenport is, 22 mi away." "You're in the wrong state." "Get yourself a new map!" "That wasn't so hard, was it?" "How much do I owe your for gas?" " You didn't pump any." " What?" "!" "Why didn't you pump any gas?" "They're all out." "They only got diesel." "Better go to the next station!" "What'd you do?" "I'd just like to welcome you all to our annual Callahan Employee Night." "I know it doesn't quite feel the same without Big Tom here, but we're still a family." "So let's try and have some fun!" "Hey, Mr. Rittenhauer!" "Is it true Tommy's on the road trying to save this place?" "Tommy's out there filling in for his dad until we get things settled here." "Are you kidding?" "We're all screwed!" "That kid's one apple that fell way off the tree." "Mommy, I want a popsicle." "That hurt!" "You wanna act like a baby, i'll treat you like one." "Now, if you wanna act like a big boy..." "Bad mommy." "Don't call me that, it's creepy." "Come on, this is working out better than we planned." "I thought it'd take a year to bleed him dry in the divorce settlement." "Instead the guy croaks, you own half the company." "Yeah, it's too bad he didn't leave me any cash." " You talked to the banker?" " Yeah." "Unfortunately your stock isn't worth dick until they sell the place." "That moment is rapidly approaching." "Hi, grandpa." "Mr. Rittenhauer, is Tommy, you know, doing okay?" "Yeah, sometimes it takes a little time for a salesman to find his style." " You think he's finding one?" " I hope so." "Hold on right there honey." "I'll see you Michelle." "See you." "I'm telling you, Paul... the only thing keeping us poor is Tommy." "The guy's an idiot." "He won't sell squat." "This is what I think of Callahan." "Tommy saved the factory." "That's a laugh!" "I don't see any McKeesport." "It's the next town, Tons-of-Fun." "It's gotta be there." "Ok, where's moron?" "Moron's here, so McKeesport..." "Look, Magellan, we're at this wrinkle here." "You saw it happen." "There was nothing I could do, right?" "Maybe if you didn't lean over to insult me you would have seen it coming." "Shut up, Tommy!" "It's not my fault." "Poor little furry thing!" "I'd never seen one close up before." "What are we gonna do?" "We can't just leave it here." "Oh, no!" "Loading it up took us over an hour." "Now we only got 20 minutes before "Brady Automotive" closes." " Yeah, where are we gonna take the deer?" " I don't know." "The vet?" "You take dead animals to the vet?" " Why not?" "I'd take you to the vet." " Yeah, i'll take you to the..." " Got that?" " Shut up!" " It's just down the hall sir, last door on the left." " Thank you." "Hey, what's your hurry?" "You know that thing in the back seat?" "It's not an air refreshener." "It's a dead rotting deer carcass." "And we gotta take care of it quick." "And this is one of our oldest customers, we should be in and out." "This sales thing isn't so easy." "You can't just go in and out, you gotta finesse'm a little bit." "Hey, by finesse do you mean sputtering sentence fragments and lighting things on fire?" "No, but..." "It's nice to see you again Mr. Insult." "Say, have you seen Richard anywhere?" "Cause if you do, can you ask him, i mean, since he's so good, if he might wanna try selling?" "Oh yeah?" "Watch and learn." "Of course I understand what "no" means." "But if I took no for an answer i probably would wind up on a street corner selling spicy hotdogs and wearing a funny hat, right?" "It makes sense, doesn't it?" "Look, i've been doing business with Callahan since I hung up my shingle." "But I don't like you." "Probably never will." "You're a smug unhappy little man, and you treat people like they were idiots." "Mr. Brady, you and my dad go way back." "Son, I was sorry to hear about your dad, I was." "But before I decide to keep my business with your place, i'd have to come by and have a look at your new operation." "Hey, i'll tell you what:" "you can take a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there but wouldn't you rather take his word for it?" "What?" "I'm failing to make the connection here, son." "No, I mean, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass, but then..." "No, it's gotta be your bull." "Here's the deal, if I want you" " You have derailed." " Shut up, Richard!" "Boy, i'm really at a loss for words here." "Forget it." "I quit." "I can't do this anymore man." "My head's about to explode." "My whole life sucks." "I don't know what i'm doing." "I don't know where i'm going." "My dad just died." "We just killed Bambi." "I'm out here getting my ass kicked, and every time I drive down the road, i want to jerk the wheel into a goddamn bridge embankment!" "We'll be in touch." "That guy might not call us." "I can't believe you called me a psycho." "Were you in there just now?" "You are a psycho." "Good God!" "And comb your hair." "I wouldn't say you did much better." "I thought you were so cool." "Watch and learn he says." "And i was watching." "You know what I saw?" "It's alive!" "I think it tried to bite me!" "No way that just happened." "My car is completely destroyed." "I swear i've seen a lot of stuff in my life, but that was awesome!" "But sorry about your car, man." "It sucks." "We'll return to the "Zalinsky Family Theater" after these messages." "Will you shut the window, Tommy!" "You're letting moths in." " No, it's hot in here." " Will you please..." "Look, it's him!" "America, if you need starters, spark plugs, ball joints, gaskets, camshafts, u-joints or rocker-arms, anything that can be screwed or glued to that car or truck of yours?" "Come see ol' Ray!" "You want a guarantee?" "I got a guarantee stamped on every box." "He's got really weird hair." "But more important is the guarantee that I make to the American worker." "I want your truck to help you get the job done." "I want your cruiser to get out there safely, so you can clean up the streets." "And I want your kids to be safe when you take them for a ride." " Thanks, Ray." " Thank you, son." "The name's Zalinsky." "I make car parts for the American working man, because that's who I am." "And that's who I care about." "Drive down to Zalinsky." "He's the auto parts king." "He seems like a nice guy." "This is the guy trying to buy the company, not to mention put you on the street and all you can say is "he seems like a nice guy"?" "He does." "Michelle!" "I'm glad you called me back." "Yeah, things are going great." "I feel my first sale coming out real soon." "Yeah, he's here." "He's just going over his car insurance forms." "Could we get any more moths in here?" "What?" "Oh, Richard's vacuuming." "He's vacuuming." "I don't know." "I guess he's clean." "Can I call you back in a few minutes?" "Thanks." "I miss you." "Hey!" "You can't sleep with the window open." "And let me lay down some other rules too." " What are you so mad about?" " Are you nuts?" "Do you even have to ask?" "My car is destroyed." "We haven't made one sale." "Which means we only have to sell about a half million brake pads in the next ten days, or else the factory is going under." "And the one guy who should be caring about this, you, doesn't." "You know what, Richard?" "You don't know me as good as you think you do." "I care about stuff, i'm getting better at this sales thing." "I'm not, but I could if you help me." "Forget it, I have enough to do without having to change your diapers." " Richard, is this your coat?" " Don't do it!" "Fat guy in little coat." "No." "Fat guy in a little coat." "Take it off." "I'm serious." "Richard, what's happening?" " Good tune man." " I don't think so." " Yeah, here we go." " This song sucks." " Talk about lame." " Totally." "You can change it if you want." " I don't care, it's up to you." " I can live with it if you can." "Suit yourself." "Oh, God." "Hey, I was just thinking, when we stopped for gas this morning i think it was you who put the oil in." "Hey, if you're gonna say I didn't put the right kind, then you're wrong." "I used 10W-30." "And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident." "True." "But you can't latch the hood too well if you don't take the can out you no-selling waste of space!" "I swear to God you're worthless." "I'm sorry about your car." "But don't call me worthless." "I'm trying my best." "I'm not my dad." "That's right." "You're not your dad." "He could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves." " Ketchup popsicle?" " Yeah." "I learned everything I know from him." "I didn't have a father, and he looked out for me." "But you!" "He was your real dad and you just took it for granted." "Hey, i'm big Tom's son, he'll fix everything, so i'm allowed to be a moron." "That's it!" "Get out of the car!" "It's go time, you and me." "Look Mommy, the rhino is getting too close to the car." "Him too 'fraid to get out." "He just a little guy." "That's it big boy." "I'm gonna wall on you." "You're gonna regret volunteering for this job, Porky." "Hey boys and girls, it's Papa Smurf!" "You know what, you don't want none of me, think it through." "Come on, give me your best shot, and i'll give you a free one!" "Let me have it!" "That's it?" "Come on, you can do better than that, can't ya Captain Limp Wrist?" "Try again." "Hey everybody, is there a window open?" "I feel a draft." "If I wanted a kiss, i woulda called your mother." "That was a good one." "Prehistoric Forest..." "Richard, do I have a mark on my face?" "It really hurts." "No, nothing." "I thought i hit you on the shoulder." "My shoulder doesn't hurt very much, but my face does." "Right here." "Not here, or here so much, but right here." "Nope." "Sheep shape." "Waitress could I get that shrimp cocktail I saw on the glass case?" "Yeah." "And you..." "What can I get- Jesus, what happened to your face?" "I knew it." "See, Richard?" "I'll have chicken wings." "Kitchen's closed until dinner." "I just got cold stuff and desserts." "Boy, some chicken wings would really hit the spot." "You sure it's closed?" "Let me check." "Yup, it's closed." "Okay." "I'll just have a sugar packet or two." " Hey, what's your name?" " Helen." "That's nice." "You look like a Helen." "Helen, we're both in sales." "Let me tell you why I suck as a salesman." "Let's say I go into some guy's office let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something." "Well, then I get all excited, i'm like Jo-Jo, the idiot circus-boy, with a pretty new pet." "The pet is my possible sale." "Oh, my pretty little pet." "I love you!" "So I stroke it, and i pet it, and I massage it." "I love it, I love my little naughty pet." "You're naughty." "And then I take my naughty pet, and I go..." "I killed it!" "I killed my sale!" "That's when I blow it." "That's when people like us have got to forge head, Helen." "Am I right?" "God, you're sick." "Tell you what, i'll go turn the friers back on and throw some wings in for ya." "Thanks, Helen." "Tommy like-y." "Tommy want wing-y." "Did that board to the head knock something loose?" "What are you talking about?" "That 180 you just pulled at the waitress." "Why can't you sell like that?" "I'm just having fun." "If we didn't get the wings, so what?" "We still got that meat-lovers' pizza in the trunk." "You got the wings cause you're relaxed." "You had confidence." "And that's what it takes to sell." "Confidence." "Your dad had that." "Why do you always have to de-turd this things?" "My dad was smart, i'm not." "Very true." "But there's two types of smarts, book smarts, which waved bye-bye to you long ago, and there's street-smarts, the ability to read people." "And you know how to do that, just like your dad." "He was the best at knowing what people wanted to hear, and what people needed to hear." "That's what selling is all about." "In a way, these people are buying you, not just brake pads." "Hey everybody, it's Tony Robbins!" " Maybe you're right, Richard." " I think I am." "Holy Lord, look at this guy, caught him right after thanksgiving feast." " Nice, Richard." " Now I need a Pooper-Scooper." "I like your line." "And I like your prices." "But there's a problem." "There's no guarantee on the box." "If they break down, you can call me at home, even if i'm watching TV." "Callahan has guaranteed every part sold since 1925." "Maybe so, but it's not on the box." "It should always be on the box." "Comforting you, calling out "I'm good." "I'll never let you down."" ""But if I do, i'm gonna make all things better."" "Our brake pads are made of a non-corrosive poly-plated..." "Son, if you're not talking about a guarantee, skip it." "My customers need to see that little label, lookin' at 'em right in the eye." " Hey, you can get a good look at your butcher..." " No." "What?" " Remember, chicken wings." " Chicken wings?" "Alright, uh, you wanna talk about guarantees, then..." "Fellas, you just ran out of time." "Chicken wings." "Let's think about this for a sec, Ted." "Why would someone put a guarantee on a box?" "Hmm, very interesting." "Go on!" "I'm listening." "Here's the way I see it, Ted." "A guy puts a fancy guarantee on the box 'cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside." " Yeah, makes a man feel good." " Of course it does." "Why shouldn't it?" "You figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come down and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?" "What's your point?" "The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer?" ""Building model airplanes" says the little fairy." "Well, we're not buying it." "He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes." "Next thing you know there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter is knocked up." "I've seen it a hundred times." "But why do they put a guarantee on the box then?" "'Cause they know all they sold you was a guaranteed piece of shit." "That's all it is, isn't it?" "Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it "guaranteed", I will." "I got spare time." "But for now, for your customers' sake, for your daughter's sake you might wanna think about buying a quality product from me." "Okay, i'll buy from you." " Well I..." " What?" "!" "He's made one deal, Paul." "It's not the end of the world." "What would be good for us?" "We wanna sell the factory." "They're not gonna sell the factory as long as Tommy keeps making sales." "Why don't you come to bed?" "I got it!" "What does every factory need?" "Trucks." "They make stuff." "They gotta ship it." "It's most simple." "We stop the trucks, we stop Tommy boy." "Not good." "Come on man, let's at least take five minutes to celebrate our first victory!" "Look, we got lucky, don't jinx it." "We only have a week left before the loan's due." "I gotta finish figuring out our trips tonight, so we can jam out early." "Okay, i'll tell you what." "You work out that scientific stuff, i'll go out and get a pizza." "The only thing I need to figure out is whether to get Chicago style or thin crust." "The salesman has left the building." "Chill bud." "Oh, mamasita!" "Hi." "Tommy, scram!" "Don't give her the weight room thing!" "Do you know where the weight room is?" "I'll check it out." "Sorry." "Oh, daddy likes!" "You get wet honey, you deserve a swim..." "Now take off that itchy robe." "Nobody's around." "It's naughty time." "Oh, for the love of God, i've been patient." "Please, don't stop!" "You've been on the- Oh, those are real!" "No one's looking." "Speaking of "no one's looking"..." "Bad girl." "Ah, thank you..." "I'm back." " Richard, what were you doing?" " Going over some documents." " Where are they?" "Geez, I don't see them." " They're in my briefcase." " I thought you were getting pizza." " They were closed." "How could you be reading documents when they're in your briefcase?" "That's a mystery." " Were you watching "Spank-tro-Vision"?" " Ok then, let's hit it!" "Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, oh, what's his name?" "Buddy Wackett?" "All right then, let's get some shut eye!" " Hey, that's a pretty girl down there." " Good for her!" "Geez, I wonder if she goes out with one of the "Yankees"." "Couldn't tell ya." "Big day tomorrow." "I hope we can keep this momentum going." "Yup, that'd be good." "Richard?" "Who's your favorite little rascal?" "Alfalfa or is it Spanky?" "Sinner!" "Yes, i'll buy." "Yes, I like what I hear." "Yes, sounds good." "By the way, did you ever eat paint chips as a kid?" "Son of a..." "A thousand units to Oshkosh?" "Tommy, that's fabulous!" "Your dad never sold a thousand in Oshkosh." "uh uh, since i've been here." "Lord, I never had to tinkle so bad in all my life." "Richard!" "You're a riot!" "Stop the car!" "Son of a..." "What the hell's gotten into you?" "My thing got stuck in the zipper, i got piss all over my pants." "Ok, thanks." "Bye, I owe you." "Oh, there you are." "While I was waiting i thought i'd make a couple calls." "Okay, mom, i'll call you later then, bye bye." "What do you want?" "I just wanted to tell you that Tommy's been talking a lot about you recently and well, thought you might wanna know that." "God, he's so sweet." "You've no idea how much it means having you and your mom as family." "He says the sweetest things about her." "Everything he does is sweet." "So, when does sweetie get back?" "This Friday." "Which is great, because we're backed up on orders as it is." "He's turned into this..." "selling machine." "Well, between that and the sweetness, i'd say hang on to it." "I gotta go." "Yes, sir." "I can have that for you tomorrow." "Well, that'd be great." "Thank you sir." " Housekeeping." " No, thank you." "Sleeping." " Housekeeping." " Could you come back here in an hour?" " Housekeeping." "You want towel?" " No towels, need sleepy." "Housekeeping." "You want mint for pillow?" "Please, go away!" "Let me sleep, for the love of God!" "Housekeeping." "You want me jerk you off?" "What kind of hotel is this." "what the hell are" " Oh, it's you." "Good morning, sunshine." "Hey, guess what, I just called "Auto Tech" and they decided to make an order." "So according to my calculations, that puts us over the mark." " We did it?" " We did." "Oh, Richard, i'm so happy!" "Hold me!" "Don't run away from your feelings!" "Something went haywire down at shipping and receiving." "Your shipments got screwed up in the computer, the wrong parts went to the wrong cities." "Now all hell's broken lose." "I don't believe this." "Ok, so we call everyone and explain what happened." "Half the orders have already been cancelled." "What?" "!" "They think it's an indication of how things work around here." "The real problem is that we won't be able to make the payment to the bank." "It's like a bad "Twilight Zone"." "I think i'm growing a tumor." "Look, we talk to the bank." "Maybe they'll give us a break." "We've been doing business with them for 23 years." "Tommy, it's all over." "You made a valiant effort, but we're gonna have to sell to Zalinsky." "I'm flying to Chicago to sign over the company." " What's gonna happen to the factory?" " He's gonna shut it down." "Zalinsky doesn't care about our workers." "He wants the Callahan name, that's all." "Did anyone see "Scanners"?" "Bottom line is, by 6pm tomorrow we'll all be unemployed." "Don't say anything, ok!" "I know i've ruined your entire life, and you hate me, so let me pack my things and go crawling through a dark hole for a few years." "Hi." " So, do you hate me?" " I just don't get it." "I guaranteed overnight delivery." " We faxed to our shipping addresses, didn't we?" " Yes." "And they were right when I put them into my computer." "I swear." "And how could- Oh, man!" "This was so big!" "I know it was big, but it wasn't my fault." "Why can't you put your files in the file cabinet like everybody else, uh?" "I mean, maybe if you weren't such a rebel, you could've avoided..." "Don't worry because i've quit." "So you won't have to put up with anything anymore." "Michelle, wait!" "Come on, please!" "Thanks." "Have a good flight." "May I help you?" "Hi, I called about a ticket to Cuyahoga Falls, the name's Brock." "Right." "That flight goes through Columbus." "Let me just call that up for you." "Excuse me." "Hello, is detective Duane Brock on duty today?" "This town doesn't even know what's about to hit it." "Fish in a barrel, my man." "Town's the fish, people are the barrel." "Fish in a barrel..." "What's wrong with you, Richard?" "You can't drink in a car." "Don't you know we could get busted for that?" "I'm sorry." "I need not know that." "Right now we got a bigger problem." " That is?" " Beer's coming back up." "Oh, Lord!" "Here we go!" "Cops!" "Dammit, Richard." "The whole car smells like beer." "They're never gonna believe i wasn't drinking." "Hold on!" " What are you doing?" " I got an idea." "What the hell?" "When I stop the car, run out screaming." "No problem." "Little trick my dad taught me." "Bees!" "Bees!" "Bees in the car!" "Bees everywhere!" "God, they're huge!" "They're ripping my flesh!" "Son, roll around!" "Do you hear me?" " Roll around on the ground!" " Forget that, i'm starting to swell up!" "Save yourself, Tommy!" "Don't be the hero!" " Frank, i'm allergic to bees." " Me too." "They're huge and they sting crazy!" "We'll come back later to check on you." "Save yourselves!" "Your firearms are useless against them!" "Holy shnikees, it worked!" "I just barfed in an anthill." "Cool!" "Wow, I think they're pissed." "Yeah." "That's the answer." "Doesn't look like the answer." "I don't remember eating that." "No!" "Zalinsky." "We go to Chicago, tell him we're not for sale." "He seems like a good guy on TV." "He'll understand." "You're dreaming." "You can't stop him." "You lost your shares to the bank, remember?" "What the hell?" "In less than 24hs i'll lose the factory anyway." "So why not give it a shot?" " Chicago?" " Chicago." " You can't park here!" " Keep it!" "Where are you going?" "Leave me a message and i'll get back to you." "Thanks." "Hi, Michelle." "This is Tommy." "Listen, i'm sorry about what I said." "I was being an idiot." "I wanna apologize cause, I didn't mean it." "Anyway, me and Richard are going to Chicago, to straighten things out." "The next flight to Chicago boards in five minutes but i'm sorry, it's completely sold out." "I can put you on another one at 3 o' clock this afternoon." "Lady, we really need to get to Chicago." "It's an emergency." "Is there anything you can do?" "I can put you in to Salt Lake City, by 16.00..." "I don't have time to go thru another city." "I need a direct flight to Chicago." "Oh, I can reserve you a flight coming back from Chicago at 17.55..." "Does that help?" "Hi." "I'm Earth." "Have we met?" "I don't think so." "So, i'll talk to you later." "Okay, bye." "We're screwed." "No tickets to Chicago." "Not even stand- by." "There's gotta be something we can do." "Wait a minute!" "You got any money?" "Cause I got a plan!" "We're gonna get busted, let's get out of here!" "Too late." "Hey, guess who's here!" "What are we serving tonight, chicken or... chicken?" "What a nice surprise!" "They said we were gonna be short-handed this leg." "You two take coach." "Oh, and could you handle the announcements?" "Okey dokey." "No problemo." "They're gonna know we're bogus." "Relax!" "You get on the horn!" "I throw some peanuts at 'em." "We'll be in Chicago before you know it." "Ok, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy." "He'll be taking you through my little spiel here." "Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking, and he's never been laid." "Exits!" "Ok, there's one back here, and there's probably one over by the wing, somewhere, usually." "And what about seat belts?" "To fasten, take the little end and stick it in the big end." "You know what, if you guys don't know how to use a seat belt, just ring the call button and Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tack hammer cause you are a retard." "Ok, and life preservers." "These we may need." "Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake?" "My money says if anything, it's gonna be a mountain." "To inflate, put it around your neck and yank down on the tab." "Son of a!" "I can't breathe!" "Chocking!" "He's a big dumb animal, isn't he folks?" "Folks, we're making our final approach into Chicago." "Ma'am, are you still alive?" "Ma'am there's a half hour time limit." "Ok, now, we're running out of time, so you can't go see Zalinsky like that." "Now go change!" "Go!" "Fasten your seat belt." "I'm okay." "I'm fine, i'm fine now." " What are you doing?" " I'm nervous so i'm sweating." "You're gonna smell like a cab driver." "Not to say that that's bad." "I wanna be fresh for the meeting." "Well, you look good." "Are you ready?" "Ready or not, this is crunch time." "525..." "That's it!" "Son of a..." "That's gonna leave a mark." " Whoa, look at this place!" " Welcome to the Pros." "Oh my God, it's him!" "There he is, my friend." "The King himself." "Let's do it!" "It's go time." "Where did he go?" "I don't know." "You check the elevators, i'll check the bank." "Where is he?" "where is he?" "Listen up!" "This'll only take a second!" " Wow, what's going on down here?" " Walk slow!" " Okay." "Why?" " Nothing." " Am I consorting with a known felon?" " Shut up, Richard!" "Hey mom!" "It's the guy who robbed the bank!" "I didn't rob any bank." "Oh, yeah, right." "Like there was other real fat guy with a tiny head." "I got a tiny head?" "Zalinsky." "Say something!" "Mr. Zalinsky?" "I'm Tommy Callahan." "Big Tom Callahan's son." "Sorry to hear about your dad." "He was a good man." "Went a little heavy on the pine tree perfume there, kid." "Sir, it's a taxi cab air-freshener." "Great, you've pinpointed it." "Step two is washing it off." "Sir, what exactly happened here?" "He came out of the shadows behind me and after he hit me many many times in the head, with a hammer i had to give him my gun, you know, i've got kids." "So as more details emerge on this attempted bank robbery," "Action 8 will be there." "But the "Callahan" factory's been in my family for 70 years, you can't just shut it down." "Son, you gotta look at it from my point of view." "Callahan's a premium name." "That's what i'm buying." "I can make the parts in one of my factories, put 'em in a Callahan box and sell 'em in my stores." "At a premium price." "Why keep your factory going when all I want is the goddamned box?" "I'll tell you why." "Cause there's a town involved here." "Callahan factory is the only thing keeping it alive." "Look, believe it or not, i'm providing a service." "I'm thinning the corporate herd." "You've seen "Daktari"?" "The weaker animals always go." "So the kids cry when you tie an old tiger to a tree and shoot him." "But that's life!" "America's in a state of renewal." "We've gotta have the strength to tie a few factories to a tree and bash 'em with a shovel." "Meanwhile, if I can grab your share of the market, put a little coin in the pocket, by being the asshole?" "Well, what the hell, you know what I mean?" "Boy, you sure are different in your TV commercials." "What the American public doesn't know is what makes them the American public, alright?" "God, I love that!" "Hell, folks believe me when I tell them: we're not just building automotive components here we're adding horsepower to the American industry." "You say a word to anyone and i will kill you." "Do you understand me?" "It looks real." "Yeah, television's been good to me, son." "I make car parts for the American working man, because that's what I am and that's who I care about." "The truth is I make car parts for the American working man because i'm a hell of a salesman, and he doesn't know any better." "Well, son, since you're no longer the shareholder, this is where I leave you." "Don't feel bad." "This chain of events was set in motion a long long time ago." "You and your bald headed friend, you did what you could, that's commendable." "Marty, have security see these boys out!" "Mrs. Callahan." "What's my family doing in there?" "I thought they were on my side." "They had a lot to gain if the factory was sold." "Boy, did I screw up." "My so-called family deserted me." "Michelle's mad at me." "I lost the factory." "The town's going under and i'm out of a job." "Could have done without that." "Geez, i'm an idiot!" "Boy, I sure let my dad down." "You tried as hard as you could." "When we first started out I thought you'd just walk through this like you walked through everything else." "But you didn't." "So your dad would've been proud o'you." "And you got a friend out of it." "Now, I know it doesn't matter cause you have so many, but uh  I don't." "Thanks man." "Tommy." "Michelle!" " Don't tell her about my hair!" " Let it go!" "God, I was worried I wouldn't find you." " Hey, what are you doing here?" " I got your message." "Okay, I was at the airport." "I was going home." "And I saw your step-brother and your step- mother, and he was kissing her." " So?" " With his tongue." " Doing his mommy?" " She's not his mom." "They're married." "They were lying to your dad the whole time." "And my brother got these police reports." "See?" "They lied to my dad?" "They're con artists." "They suckered him." "They lied to my dad." "Richard, i'm gonna need your watch." "I've got a plan." "Folks, Mr. Zalinsky gave us specific instructions to bar you from the building." "Sorry boys." "Hopefully we'll just be in and out." "My God, he's wired!" "And uh, no cops." "Wouldn't want things to get messy." " That was fun." " Now what?" "Well, it's 6 o'clock, time for the news." "Excuse me!" "Oh God." "Done this before?" "Thank you, Marty." "My, your hands move quickly!" "Only when I see something i want, Mrs. Callahan." "Just doesn't seem right." "Hi!" "Got a second?" " What the hell's going on?" " Oh, my God, we're gonna die!" "Tommy, what are you doing?" "Hi, Ted." "Hi, Frank." "Excuse me, Marty." "Okay, we're live." "We now switch live to our reporter who's at the scene with the bomber." "This is Nicole Taylor, live from Chicago." "Hey, look!" "It's Tommy!" "Nicole, i've got something to say." "Please, may i?" "Hi." "This is Tommy Callahan here with Mr. Ray Zalinsky," "American auto-parts king." "Honey, look at this human-bomb on the news!" "Oh yeah, I buy brake pads off him." "I thought we were watching cartoons." "Mr. Zalinsky, for years you've been putting ads on TV." "And they always end up with you saying:" ""I make car parts for..." How does that go?" "I make car parts for the American working man, because that's what I am and that's who I care about." "That's why i'm here, Ray." "You see, back in Sandusky, Ohio, there are 300 American workers at "Callahan Auto"." "We make the best parts money can buy." "And right now those workers are in danger of losing their jobs." "They're praying that somebody's gonna step up and help 'em." "Is that why you've strapped a bomb to your chest?" "Oh, this isn't a bomb." "These are road flares." "Road flares?" "Did you live under power lines as a kid or something?" "Why?" "Do you guys want this or "American Gladiators"?" ""Gladiators"." "So, do you think "Zalinsky Industries" can help these folks?" "I'll be happy to look into it." "I'll tell you what, I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but i'd rather take the butcher's word for it." "Am I just severely wasted or does Tommy look bloated?" "No, it's TV, man." "Camera adds a couple... 100 pounds." "Ray, we're not looking for a handout here." "I'm offering you a great deal." "This is an order for half-a-million "Callahan" brake pads, to be sold in your stores." "Made by the American working man, for the American working man." "Absolutely." "It'd be my great pleasure." "What have I got to lose?" "A great American product, right?" "I don't believe it." "Tommy just sold half a million brake pads." "Tommy just sold a half million brake pads!" "What difference does it make?" "The company's gonna be mine in ten minutes anyway." "Right?" "Mr. Zalinsky, thank you." "Thank you Tommy boy." "And thank you." "And remember you can pick up these great brake pads from "Callahan Auto"" "all my "Zalinsky Auto Parts" outlets all over North America!" "Bravo, Tommy!" "For the moment it looks like a tragedy has been eluded and a town has been saved." "For Action News, i'm Nicole Taylor, reporting live." "Okay, we're out of here!" "Wait a minute, fat boy!" "You lost your shares to the bank." "You don't even have a right to be here." "Gee, funny you should bring that up." "'Cause i'm not sure that you have the right to be here." "What have we got here?" "Oh my God, it's a police report!" " What's all this about?" " Let's see!" "Paul Barrish, married May 1993 to Beverly Barrish, a.k.a. Beverly Burns." "Richard, how could Beverly be married to Paul and my dad at the same time?" " Interesting." " Yes." "Provocative." "Well, I think it means that your marriage to my dad was never legal." "Which also means that Beverly's shares still belong to Tommy." " Isn't that right, Mr. Rittenhauer?" " Yes." "I believe that's right." " Mr. Railly?" " I'd say that's right." " Mr. Gilmore?" " Oh, absolutely." "And let me guess, you're not going to be selling me the company now, are you Tommy boy?" "No sir." "Ray, I have no idea what they're talking about." "That's it!" "You're not gonna take this." "It's not over yet, Lee Harvey." "Let's see." "Warrants outstanding!" "New Mexico: mail fraud." "Colorado: wire fraud." "And coming soon to Ohio:" "computer fraud." "Get him!" "Don't let him leave the complex, Marty!" "Hey, you forgot your wife!" "Screw you!" "Screw all of you!" "Crash Test in Progress." "Not good." "Hit the brakes!" "That will ruin his weekend." "Well kid, you threw one by me." "Savour the flavour, cause it sure as hell won't happen again." " In the meantime, good luck to you." " Thank you sir." "Marty, cut a check to Callahan Auto for those brake pads!" "And you, with all this excitement around here, I kinda' got a little hungry." "Wanna step over to my club and have something to eat?" " Thank you." "I'd like that." " Good." "Marty, find out where the police will be taking him!" "send over a bottle of bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card." "Have it say:" ""Tough break, get drunk on me... use the bucket to ice down your marbles, yours Z."" "Well, Mr. Callahan, looks like we're back in business." "Yes sir, Mr. Rittenhauer." " That's great, Tommy!" " Thanks." "Way to go, Tommy Callahan!" " That was pathetic." " Shut up, Richard!" "It's a very proud day for me." "I want to introduce you to the new president of "Callahan Auto"," "Tom Callahan Junior." "Tommy, will you say something!" "Ever since I was a kid, you people have been like a family to me." "Louis, we built our first fort together." "And Danny, remember when we used to burn ants with a magnifying glass?" "R.T., I lost my virginity to your daughter, for crying out loud!" "Rob, you were there." "Anyway, I just want you to know that as long as i'm around, i'm gonna bust my butt and make sure that every last one of you always has a job, right here at "Callahan"." "Dad, got a little problem here." "I've been stuck here for an hour with no wind again." "I'm supposed to be at Michelles' for dinner." "So if you could give me a little help, i'd appreciate it." "If not, don't worry about it." "I'm trying to do everything i think you'd be doing, and so far it's going pretty good." "I just wanna tell you that..." "i still love you and i sure miss you a lot." "Hey, thanks dad!" "Son of a...!" "That's gonna leave a mark!" "The End."