"It says that the wedding starts on Friday" " and ends on Sunday." " Yes, it lasts all weekend." "You're practically best man now," " and you know what that means." " Throw the bachelor party." "All right." "Let's go to the room." " Surprise." " Just give me one minute." "No!" "She's a Hijra." "What's a Hijra?" "I think you refer to them as transgender." " Rajiv?" " Vimi?" "No." "Please, let me explain." "It's the night before your wedding." "How dare you be with another woman?" "Who wants booby jell-o shots?" "No, Charlie." "Not now." "Oh, got it." "Show time." " Now that's a stripper." " That is my fiancée!" "Rule number one: never fall in love with the talent." "Get me out of this." "This'll go smoother if you tell us upfront what she doesn't do." "I won't stand here and be humiliated." "Then you're in the wrong line of work, honey." "Charlie, shut up!" "Let's go." "Vimi." "Mr. Mehta." "Please." "Let me explain." "How can you explain this?" "Tomorrow is supposed to be the most special day of our lives, and you've disrespected me like this." "I would never disrespect you." "This is some stupid American tradition." "It has nothing to do with you." "Oh, I just found this down by the pool." "What a crazy raft, huh?" "Rajiv, I don't know what to do." "Why is it always white people?" "Thank you very much, please, good-bye." "Rajiv, I am so sorry." "This was not supposed to happen." "You realize what you've done?" "Vimi is an innocent flower." "Because of your perverted nonsense, she may never see me the same way again." "Great news, everyone." "I'm in love with Ashlynn." "Yeah!" "Did you hear that, Todd?" "He's in love." "Quick." "Make him look like a deviant." "Strap him to the chair of ruination." "If it's okay, I'd like to borrow the chair of ruination." "We've already ruinated everywhere else in the room." "Yeah." "It worked." "Yeah." "I thought the poem you wrote was very romantic." "But we work together." "We practice different religions." "Is it really worth risking our jobs and our relationships with our families?" "I'll think about it and get back to you." "Let's continue." "Well, I've woken up next to worse." "Someone just smart-assed his or her way out of breakfast." "Mumbai." "I'm still in Mumbai." "That looks great." "Really good." "Thank you for including Ashlynn." "She really wants the full experience." " It's our pleasure." " I'll be waiting in the room, counting the minutes." "Before I go, is there anything I can do for you?" "Well, my gum has totally lost its flavor, and I don't want to mess up my" "Shh." "Say no more, my love." "This gum is as tasteless as the things you did to me last night." "Hey." "Any luck?" "Vimi did not answer her phone this morning, and now I can't find her anywhere." "The band is setting up." "The guests are arriving." "What if she changes her mind?" "What if she doesn't want" " to marry me?" " What can I do to help?" "Do you know where the gift table is?" " Yes." " Good." "Go to it and see if someone gave us a time machine." "I get it." "And then set it" " to before the bachelor party?" " No." "You must go back much further." "Go back to your father's bachelor party and impose the same humiliations upon him, thereby ruining his wedding to your mother and negating your very existence." "When I see you fading away before my eyes," "I will know you have succeeded." "You and Manmeet seem to be hitting it off." "Yeah." "It's been an amazing trip." "I came to do the whole eat, pray, love thing." "I haven't had time to pray yet, although I did scream "oh, God" a few times last night." "What are we laughing about?" "Hey, do you know how long it takes to get to Agra?" "'Cause after the wedding," "I'm going to see the Taj Mahal." "Oh, Manmeet didn't tell us that you guys were taking a trip together." "Oh, he's not going." "This is my Manmeet portion of the trip." "But there's still plenty of the country I want to see." "And what about Manmeet?" "Oh, I've already seen all of him." "Have you guys?" "What sort of an outfit are you running?" "If you haven't started cooking the food," "I should not be charged for it." "I've given you enough warning to cancel the dinner." "It's not possible, sir." " Not possible." " Then I want to speak to the manager right now immediately." "No, no, nothing's being called off." "Excuse me." "You have no say in this." "Yeah, I do." "The whole thing is my fault." "The bachelor party was my idea." "You can't put this on Rajiv." "Do you know how much this will cost me?" "The tent, the bar, feeding everyone?" "300 chicken plates, 300 vegetarian plates." "And one slow-cooked rotisserie lamb special-ordered by some idiot named Gupta." "I have never been this hung-over in my life." "Not me." "I don't get hangovers." "Alcohol just doesn't have that much of an effect on me." "You see the unicorn, right?" "No, no, no, no." "That's the horse Rajiv will ride into the ceremony to make his grand entrance." " Ah, he's tense." " No, he isn't." "Trust me." "I come from a long line of horsemen." "We grew up braiding their tails, cleaning their hooves, artificially stimulating them to collect their seed." "The trick is to be gentle until the horse requests otherwise." "This doesn't happen often, but you just creeped me out." "I can see that." "Uh-uh, see the ears." "This one is skittish." "He could throw Rajiv and ruin the wedding." "He needs to relax." "Watch and learn." "This works every time." "* I-I'm so in love with you * * whatever you want to do * * is all right with me *" "* cause you make me feel * * so brand-new *" "Horsey, no!" " Go, Charlie, go!" " I'm going." "Vimi." "I understand if you don't want to talk to me." "You have always been so pure of heart." "And after my immoral behavior last night," "I have embarrassed you and myself in the eyes of your father." "But I promise you it will never happen again." "Tell me you will still be my wife." "Please, I am begging forgiveness." "Don't touch me." "I know." "I'm a monster." "No, my henna is drying." "Your bridal henna?" "The wedding is still on?" "Of course it is." "I was worried after last night you wouldn't want to marry me." "At first, I was mad, but I gave it some thought, and I realize we've all done foolish things." "You're so forgiving." "I mean, we've all had our fun." "Yes." "We've all had fun." "How much fun have you had?" "I'm just saying that, before we were together," "I might have done some things that I wouldn't have wanted you to walk in on." "I love you, Rajiv." "I'll see you at the ceremony?" "I'm so happy." "Me too." "I don't know where those lips have been." "You must be very proud of Rajiv." "I'm so happy." "We tried to arrange his marriage, but nobody would take him." "Father, I'll be out in a minute." "So is Vimi pissed about the bachelor party?" "No." "Vimi does not judge people on their indiscretions." "As it turns out, she's had a few of her own." "Really?" "My innocent flower may have already been plucked." " Oh!" "Rajiv, so what if she's not a virgin?" " Please." "I do not want to speak of this." "I wish I could unhear it." "Do me the kindness of changing the subject." "I've just had the most mind-blowing sex ever." "Oh, Manmeet, no, not now." "What do you mean, not now?" "I've been waiting my entire life to talk about sex that I was actually involved in." " What's the matter with him?" " Well, Rajiv just found out that Vimi's been with other men." "I think he's trying to get his head around it." " Oh, tough break." " Yeah." "Ashlynn is amazing." "And, Todd, we did all the positions." "Me on top, her on top, all of them." " Well, no, you got the" " What?" " No." " What were you gonna say?" " Nothing." " Huh?" "Yeah." "That's all of them." "Here, horsey." "Neigh!" "Neigh!" "This is your fault." "This is what happens when you try to turn a solo" " into a duet." " Calm down." "I'll find the horse." "You have to." "Rajiv can't walk into a ceremony." "It's tradition." "He has to be elevated above the crowd." "Look, I got this." "I've been tracking animals my entire adult life." " Oh, he's a crafty one." " Uh-huh." "Looks like he put on flip-flops and is walking on his hind legs." "We're close, Gupta." "We're very close." "Can I show you something?" " Yeah." " I want your opinion." "Okay." "Oh." "Oh, that is beautiful." "It was my grandmother's." "And I'm going to give it to Ashlynn." "She means so much to me." "Manmeet, we have something we want to talk to you about." "We?" "Typical." "This isn't easy for me to say, but are you sure Ashlynn is right for you?" "Maybe there's another woman out there who could make you happier in the long run." "Oh, Madhuri, I understand." "Good." "Because I really, really care about you." "And I care about you." "Just not in that way." "What?" "I think you're a great person, and someday you'll meet someone." "Probably." "I have a boyfriend." "Really?" "Yes." "I do." "That's cute." "Hey, Asha," "I never thought I'd say this, but I'm digging the turban." "I got my keys and my wallet up here so I have my hands free to do the chicken dance later." "Wait, what's the matter?" "Sunil's not gonna make it." "He had another last-minute business meeting." "Oh." "Well, he's a hard-working guy." "It's part of why you picked him, right?" "Yeah, it's always some excuse." "And if I'm second to him now, what's it gonna be like when we're married?" "I mean, I don't really know the guy, but he's an idiot if he's taking you for granted." "Where's Rajiv?" "He has disappeared." "If he's not here in 20 minutes," "I will find another groom for my daughter faster than you can open a Pizza Hut in China." "What?" "I have two, and they're doing quite well." "It's the cheese-stuffed crust." "Blows their minds." "Excuse me." "Rajiv!" "Rajiv!" "Hey, have you guys seen Rajiv?" "Yeah, he's down by the rocks there." "Oh." "What are you-- What are you doing?" "What's with the carrots?" "Uh, you haven't seen a white horse, have you?" "You mean the one that Rajiv is supposed to ride into the ceremony?" " No, no, no." " No, not necessarily." "There are a bunch of horses around here." "We just wanted to pet one." "Yeah, it's a big horse beach." " Yeah, we lost him." " Oh!" "Gupta, you're my plus one, man." "You can't do this kind of thing." "Honestly, Todd, you knew the risks of plus-oneing me." "Yeah." "I guess you're right." " This guy." " I know." "Rajiv!" "What are you doing?" "Everyone's waiting for you." "Tell them to go home." "I cannot marry Vimi." "Come on, girl." "Come on." "This is so much better than the horse." "We're running out of c-a-r-r-o-t-s-es." "Oh, why are you spelling it?" "If she finds out we're out of carrots, she's gonna stop following us." "Damn it." "I didn't spell it." "Do you think she'll shave before the wedding?" "You could ask." "Hey, come on, Rajiv, everyone's waiting for you." "You know, since I met you, it's been Vimi, Vimi, Vimi." "And you're about to marry her, and now you're gonna throw it all away because she's had a few boyfriends?" "It's a total double standard." " It's not a double standard." " Yeah." "It is." "Vimi's not upset with you because you've had a few past girlfriends." "I've never had other girlfriends." "Okay, well, it's not like you've never..." " Never." " Never had sex?" " Well, what about..." " No." " How about..." " No." "Oh, wow." "Well, that explains..." "You." "I don't expect you to understand." "As an American, you spent your youth robbing women of their virtue." "No." "No, every girl I've ever been with had already been robbed." "I've always been proud that I saved myself for the woman of my dreams." "But now I feel like a fool." "Vimi has more money, more friends, and now I find out she has more experience too." "It's just another way I will let her down." "You've never let her down." "You wanted to impress her, so you got a great job." "You wanted to impress her dad, so you became manager." "Sure, she was the motivation, but, along the way, you turned yourself into one hell of a catch." "I guess I did do all those things on my own." "Of course you did." "When you set your mind to something, you go out and you get it." "Let me tell you this." "If Rajiv Gidwani wants to bone Vimi all night long, I guarantee he will." "Don't speak of my wife like that." "Your what?" "What'd you call her?" "My wife." "My wife." "Time to get married." "Be honest." "Do you think I have what it takes to make it last with Vimi?" "Rajiv, it's your first time." "You'll be lucky to get your pants off." "I was talking about the marriage." "So was I." "Hey, what happened with the horse?" "Oh, an elephant is far more regal." "Yeah, they use 'em in Indian weddings all the time." " How do you know?" " 'Cause we just stole it from a real fancy one up the beach." "I'm so happy for Rajiv." "Yeah." "He finally has Vimi." "He didn't let anything get in his way." "He listened to his heart." "My turn." "Like a bird." "What?" "Oh, good moves, Todd and Asha." "Oh, Gupta." "Who gave you a camera?" "Ah, the married couple." "I'm so happy I almost don't feel like yelling at you." "Charlie, don't start something you can't finish, man." "Oh, Manmeet, why aren't you dancing?" "What's the matter?" "I told Ashlynn I loved her, and she left me." "She broke my heart, man." "She did that to you at a wedding?" "That's horrible." "Yes, it is." "I almost don't feel like dancing." "Oh, come on." "I'm back." "No Indians were harmed in the filming of this video." "Bye-bye for now."