" HOT IN CLEVELAND IS RECORDED" "IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE." " [chuckles softly]" " YOU TWO ARE SUSPICIOUSLY QUIET." "WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?" " WE'RE THINKING OF JOKES." "CRAIG OLSON AT THE SENIOR CENTER" "IS TURNING 100." "ELKA AND I ARE DOING A ROAST." " A ROAST?" "AT THAT AGE, ARE YOU SURE IT ISN'T A CREMATION?" "SO WHAT DO YOU HAVE SO FAR?" " "I'M NOT SAYING CRAIG HAS AN ENLARGED PROSTATE," ""BUT IF HE PUT A HAT ON IT," "HE COULD DRIVE IN THE CARPOOL LANE."" "BOOM." " MY TURN." ""I'M NOT SAYING CRAIG LOVES GOING ON CRUISES," "BUT LAST MONTH HE WENT TO THE BAHAMAS."" "SEE, IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S TRUE." " MAMIE, IN A ROAST YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TAKE" "AN ELEMENT OF THE PERSON YOU'RE ROASTING" "AND EXAGGERATE IT FOR COMIC EFFECT." " YEAH, FOR INSTANCE, IF I WAS GOING TO ROAST ELKA," "I MIGHT SAY, "I'M NOT SAYING ELKA'S OLD," "BUT SHE BABYSAT JESUS."" " I'M NOT SAYING JOY'S FLAT-CHESTED." "BUT I SAW A PICTURE OF HER BREASTS ON A MILK CARTON." " VERY FUNNY." " BECAUSE THEY'RE MISSING." " GOT IT." "[cell phone chimes] [sighs]" " JOY, IS THAT FROM YOUR MOTHER AGAIN?" "MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE IT." " NO." "I MEAN, I'M SURE IT'S JUST ABOUT HER LATEST BOYFRIEND." "IF I WANTED TO HEAR AN OLD WOMAN BITCH ABOUT MEN..." " YOU'D JUST STAY HOME AND LISTEN TO YOURSELF?" " OKAY, WE BETTER GET GOING" "IF I'M GONNA BREAK UP WITH HARRY BEFORE WE GO TO THE MOVIES." " WHO'S HARRY?" " OH, HE'S JUST THIS GUY I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BREAK UP WITH" "FOR THE LAST FEW WEEKS." " SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?" " OH, HE'S NICE." "HE'S JUST, YOU KNOW, WAY TOO INTO ME." "AND HE OVERPRONOUNCES SPANISH WORDS." "LAST NIGHT, HE MADE ME TAH-COS." "AND HE TALKS TOO MUCH." "HE JUST GOES ON AND ON AND ON." "I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN THROUGH A CONVERSATION WITHOUT ZONING OUT." "AND I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND SUPERFICIAL," "BUT HE'S REALLY HAIRY." "AND HIS NAME IS HARRY, SO THERE'S NO GETTING AROUND IT." "[knock at door] HARRY?" "HARRY, THE DOOR WAS OPEN." "HARRY, DON'T BE SCARED." "IT'S JUST ME." "HARRY." "OH, MY GOD!" "[upbeat music]" "?" "OH, MY GOD." "OH, MY GOD." " ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE HE'S DEAD?" " HE'S LYING IN BED ICE COLD." " MY HUSBAND DID THAT FOR YEARS, AND HE WASN'T DEAD." "DID YOU WHISPER IN HIS EAR" "HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX?" " OF COURSE NOT." " SOMETIMES IT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN KNOW FOR SURE." " DID HARRY EVER MENTION BEING ILL?" " I DO KIND OF REMEMBER" "DURING ONE OF HIS LONG, RAMBLING SPEECHES" "HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT A HOLE IN HIS HEART." "I THOUGHT HE JUST MEANT HE WAS LONELY." "UGH, I JUST WISH HIS COUSIN WOULD GET HERE SOON." " I'M NOT SAYING MELANIE'S A HEARTBREAKER," "BUT THERE'S A DEAD GUY IN THERE." "TOO SOON?" " HEY, WHAT'S THIS?" ""TO MY DARLING MELANIE." "LOVE, HARRY."" "IT'S A RING." " OH, I TOLD YOU HE WAS MOVING TOO FAST." " WELL, HE'S NOT MOVING TOO FAST ANYMORE." " I'D SAY 3 KARATS." " OH, JUST PUT THAT BACK." " YOU SHOULD OPEN IT." " I CAN'T OPEN A GIFT FROM A DEAD MAN." " HE PROBABLY BOUGHT IT WHEN HE WAS STILL ALIVE." " NO." "I WOULD FEEL LIKE A BAD PERSON." " NOT ME." "[gasps]" " OH!" "OH, CLEAR, SQUARE-CUT," "PLATINUM SETTING." "THAT'S MY DREAM RING." " TRY IT ON." " NO." "AGAIN." "BAD PERSON." " HOW ELSE WILL YOU KNOW FOR THE FUTURE" "IF IT'S A FLATTERING STYLE FOR YOUR FINGER?" " OKAY, I'LL TRY IT ON," "BUT JUST FOR THE RECORD, I DO NOT FEEL GOOD ABOUT THIS." "OH, IT'S SO PRETTY." " IT IS STUNNING." "[knock at door]" " OH, THAT'S HIS COUSIN." "OKAY, EVERYBODY, LOOK SAD." "OH, MARGARET, I'M SO SORRY." " OH, MELANIE, YOU POOR THING." "EVEN THOUGH WE ALL KNEW WITH HARRY'S HEART CONDITION" "HE COULD GO AT ANY TIME, YOU MUST BE DEVASTATED." "[gasps]" "OH, MY GOD." "GRANDMA'S RING." "HARRY PROPOSED AND YOU ACCEPTED?" "DARLING, WELCOME TO THE FAMILY." " MOM, I DON'T WANT IT," "AND I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HIM ANYMORE." "NO, I HAVEN'T TOLD MY FRIENDS ABOUT IT." "MELANIE JUST WALKED IN." "GOT TO GO." " GUESS WHO'S HOSTING HARRY'S WAKE." " WHAT?" " I WAS OUT CASKET SHOPPING" "WITH HIS FAMILY-- OH, MY GOD," "THEY'RE ALL LONG TALKERS." "I ZONED OUT, AND I THOUGHT SOMEONE ASKED ME" "IF I WAS AWAKE." "TURNS OUT THEY ASKED ME IF I WOULD HOST THE WAKE." "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TUESDAY NIGHT?" " OOH, BUSY." " YEAH, GOOD," "'CAUSE IT'S WEDNESDAY." " I HAVE A MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE." "THIS BOX IS FROM THE OZAWA INDUSTRIAL BROTHERS." " THE LADYPANTS PEOPLE?" " YOU'RE GONNA WEAR DIAPERS AGAIN?" " THEY WEREN'T DIAPERS." "THEY WERE ABSORBENT PANTS FOR WOMEN ON THE GO" "WHO NEED TO GO, AND I WAS PROUD TO ENDORSE THEM." "PLEASE DON'T BE DIAPERS." "PLEASE DON'T BE DIAPERS." " PLEASE BE DIAPERS." "PLEASE BE DIAPERS." " PLEASE DON'T BE DIAP" "OH, THANK GOD." "IT'S AN EXERCISE BELT." " THAT YOU PEE IN?" " OH, GOD, I HOPE NOT." ""DEAR CHASE VICTORIA," ""INTERNATIONAL FACE OF INCONTINENCE..." ""LET US SAFELY AND EFFORTLESSLY" ""ELECTROCUTE YOUR ABDOMEN INTO SHAPE" ""WITH NEWEST OZAWA BROTHERS PRODUCT," ""MRS. LADY ABS." "ALSO ENCLOSED IS YOUR CHECK MONEY."" "OH, MY GOD." "LOOK AT ALL THOSE ZEROES." "OH, I COULD REALLY USE THOSE LADYPANTS RIGHT NOW." "[cell phone rings]" "HELLO." "OH, HI, MS. SCROGGS, HOW ARE YOU?" " [silently] I'M NOT HERE." " OH--NO." "REJOYLA'S NOT HERE." "SHE'S..." "AT THE CIRCUS." "BECAUSE SHE'S FRIENDS WITH THE TRAPEZE LADY." "I'LL JUST TELL HER YOU CALLED." "HOW AM I GONNA GET THROUGH THIS EVENING?" "I AM A TERRIBLE LIAR." " YOU DID OKAY WITH THAT TUESDAY-WEDNESDAY THING." " GUESS WHO'S WEARING SOMETHING WONDERFUL THAT NO ONE CAN SEE?" " IT'S CALLED A BRA." "GET OVER IT." " I WAS REFERRING TO MY MRS. LADY ABS TONING BELT," "WHICH IS SENDING THOUSANDS OF TINY ELECTRICAL PULSES," "TIGHTENING MY ABS AS WE SPEAK." "AND THE BELT IS SO SMOOTH" "THAT N-N-N-NOBODY KNOWS YOU'RE WEARING IT." " VICTORIA, WHAT NUMBER DID YOU SET THAT THING ON?" " WELL, LAST NIGHT I COULD HARDLY FEEL IT," "SO I TURNED IT UP TO THE HIGHEST SETTING," ""SUPER MAX-FRY MUSCLE SCRAMBLE,"" "AND I GUESS IT GOT STUCK ON THE N-N-N-NUMBER." " COME ON, MAMIE SUE," "WE'VE GOT A ROAST TO GO TO." " RIGHT." "HERE'S YOUR DRINK." " PERFECT." " WAS THAT STRAIGHT VODKA?" " I LIKE TO BE LOOSE BEFORE I DO A SET." " SO THAT WAS HARRY'S SEVENTH BIRTHDAY." "OH, I DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT THE CAKE." "IT WAS CHOCOLATE." "NO, IT WAS WHITE WITH CHOCOLATE FROSTING." "NO, WHAT AM I THINKING?" "THAT WAS A PIE BIRTHDAY." " COULD I STEAL MELANIE FOR A SECOND?" " YES, PLEASE." " I HAVE A BIG PROBLEM." "DR. GREENLY IS HERE." " WHO?" " THE SHRINK I HAD" "TO STOP SEEING 'CAUSE I WAS HAVING" "ALL THOSE SEXY DREAMS ABOUT HIM." " OH, WHERE?" " OVER BY THE FIREPLACE." "DON'T TURN AROUND." "AH, HE SAW ME." "HE'S COMING OVER." " HI, JOY." "THIS IS A SURPRISE." " YES." "THIS IS MY FRIEND MELANIE." " MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU." " WHY?" "OH" "THANK YOU." " HARRY WAS A PATIENT OF MINE." "HE SPOKE AT GREAT LENGTH ABOUT YOU." " I BET HE DID." " MELANIE, COME MEET COUSIN BETH." "SHE'S JUST FLOWN IN FROM MEJICO." " SO, JOY..." " SO, DR. GREENLY..." " I DON'T MEAN TO PUT YOU ON THE SPOT," "BUT I ALWAYS WONDERED WHY YOU SUDDENLY STOPPED SEEING ME." "WE WERE MAKING SUCH GREAT PROGRESS." "YOU KNOW, REALLY GETTING INTO SOME OF THE ISSUES" "THAT YOU HAD WITH YOUR FATHER." " CAN I BE PERFECTLY HONEST?" " OF COURSE." " I KNOW IT'S THE BIGGEST CLICHE," "BUT I CAN TELL YOU NOW SINCE YOU'RE NO LONGER MY DOCTOR." "I WAS ATTRACTED TO YOU." " OH." "WELL, I GUESS I CAN TELL YOU," "SINCE YOU'RE NO LONGER MY PATIENT," "THAT I WAS ATTRACTED TO YOU." " WOW." " YOU KNOW, SPEAKING NOT AS DR. GREENLY," "BUT JUST AS A GUY NAMED JOHN," "WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE DINNER SOMETIME?" " I WOULD, JOHN." "BUT COULD I SPEAK TO DR. GREENLY FOR JUST ONE SECOND?" " SURE." "HOW CAN I HELP YOU, JOY?" " DR. GREENLY, GIVEN MY HISTORY WITH MEN," "DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DATE MY FORMER THERAPIST?" " I DO." "WOW, THAT GUY SEEMED REALLY SMART." " JOY, COULD I SEE YOU IN THE KITCHEN?" " RIGHT NOW?" " YES, RIGHT N-N-N-NOW." " I NEVER HOSTED A WAKE BEFORE." "DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THESE THINGS GENERALLY GO?" " OH, NOT LONG." "PEOPLE SHOULD START TO DRIFT OUT" "SOON AFTER YOU GIVE THE EULOGY." " THE SHOCKS ARE GETTING WORSE." " I CAN'T GET IT OFF." "THE LATCH IS BROKEN." " GUESS WHO'S GIVING THE EULOGY." " SERIOUSLY?" " YOU SAID YOU'D GIVE THE EULOGY?" " I DON'T REMEMBER DOING IT," "BUT HIS FAMILY IS SO BORING." "YOU ZONE OUT, AND WHEN THEIR MOUTHS STOP MOVING," "YOU JUST NOD YOUR HEAD." " SO NOW SAY NO." " I CAN'T." "JASON IS DEPENDING ON ME." " WHO'S JASON?" " I DON'T KNOW." "WHAT AM I GONNA SAY?" " WELL, I DON'T KNOW." "BUT IF I DON'T GET THIS THING OFF SOON," "YOU'RE GONNA BE GIVING MY EULOGY." " SEE, YOUR EULOGY WOULD BE FUN TO WRITE." "I HAVE GENUINE FEELINGS FOR YOU." "HARRY'S FAMILY IS EXPECTING" "A GRIEVING FIANCEE EULOGY," "AND THE TRUTH IS I BARELY KNEW THE MAN." "WHY DO I SMELL POPCORN?" " I TRIED TO GET THIS THING OFF" "BY BUTTERING MYSELF, AND NOW I'M COOKING." " SO AS A PROFESSIONAL YOU WOULDN'T DATE ME" "IF I WAS REALLY SCREWED UP, WOULD YOU?" " STOP FISHING." "[cell phone chimes]" " SORRY." "OOF." "IT'S NOTHING." "IT'S MY MOTHER." " AT THE RISK OF SOUNDING LIKE DR. GREENLY," "WHEN YOU SAY IT'S NOTHING," "IT'S OFTEN BECAUSE YOU'RE AVOIDING SOMETHING." " ISN'T IT SOMETIMES HEALTHY" "TO AVOID SOMETHING YOU KNOW IS GONNA MAKE YOU FEEL BAD?" " NOT IF IT KEEPS YOU IN DENIAL." " LOOK, I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING WITH THIS," "BUT I'VE DEALT WITH IT." "I'M FINE." " SO YOU'RE SAYING BEING AT A FUNERAL RIGHT NOW" "ISN'T TRIGGERING ANYTHING FOR YOU?" " LOOK, IF DR. GREENLY KEEPS ASKING QUESTIONS," "JOHN IS NOT GONNA GET LUCKY TONIGHT." " TONIGHT?" "LOOK, I JUST BROUGHT DR. GREENLY" "'CAUSE HE'S A FRIEND OF MY SISTER'S." " TECH SUPPORT PUT ME ON HOLD AGAIN." " OKAY, LISTEN, HERE'S WHAT I HAVE SO FAR." "WEBSTER'S DEFINES EULOGY AS A SPEECH IN PRAISE" "OR HONOR OF A DECEASED PERSON." " WEBSTER'S DEFINES DULL AS ANY SPEECH" "WHICH STARTS WITH "WEBSTER'S DEFINES."" "YES, YES, TECH SUPPORT." "I'M STILL HERE." "NO, I ALREADY TRIED BUTTERING MYSELF." "YES, THIS IS MRS. LADYPANTS." "NO, I AM NOT GOING RIGHT N-N-N-NOW." " HEY, I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE ROASTING" "YOUR 100-YEAR-OLD FRIEND." " THEY SAID OUR MATERIAL WAS TOO RAUNCHY." " ONE ZINGER ABOUT CRAIG'S LOW-HANGING FRUIT," "AND THEY FREAK." " NOW WE HAVE ALL THIS KILLER MATERIAL" "AND NOWHERE TO SHOWCASE IT." " WHAT'S THE CROWD LIKE OUT THERE?" " DON'T YOU DARE!" "IT'S A WAKE." " MELANIE, JASON IS HERE." "IT'S TIME TO GIVE THE EULOGY, SWEETIE." " OH, GOOD, JASON'S HERE." "I'LL BE RIGHT OUT." "WELL, I'M ABOUT TO GO OUT THERE AND DISAPPOINT THEM ALL." "EVEN JASON." "WHOEVER THE [bleep] THAT IS!" " FOR THOSE OF YOU I HAVEN'T MET, I'M JASON." "I WANT TO THANK MELANIE FOR HOSTING THIS SPECIAL NIGHT" "AND FOR GRACIOUSLY ALLOWING ME TO SPEAK BEFORE HER." " OR, IF YOU LIKE, INSTEAD OF ME." " WHAT A CHARACTER." "NO WONDER DAD LOVED YOU." " DAD." "YOU KNOW, RELATIONSHIPS WITH FATHERS CAN BE COMPLICATED." " ARE YOU OKAY?" " I'M FINE." " HE WAS MY COMPASS," "MY TRUE NORTH." "I ALWAYS KNEW THAT, IF I COULD FIND HIM," "I COULD FIND MY WAY." "AND LAST WEEK WHEN HE ASKED ME" "TO BE THE BEST MAN AT HIS WEDDING," "I WAS SO HAPPY BECAUSE" "BECAUSE HE WAS THE BEST MAN THAT I HAD EVER KNOWN." "CAN'T BELIEVE I'M NEVER GONNA SEE YOU AGAIN." "I LOVE YOU, DAD." " JOHN, I NEED YOU TO BE DR. GREENLY AGAIN." " LET'S TALK." " AND NOW MELANIE WILL GIVE THE EULOGY," "AND GET YOUR HANDKERCHIEFS READY." "DAD TOLD ME SHE HAS THE SOUL OF A POET." " WEBSTER'S DEFINES EULOGY-- - [screams]" "JUST LETTING OUT THE GRIEF." "YOU'LL JUST EXCUSE ME." " OH, THANK GOD YOU CAUGHT ON FIRE." "YOU SAVED ME." " YEAH, THAT'S WHY I DID IT." " SERIOUSLY, NOW I HAVE TO FOLLOW THAT SPEECH?" "I'M IN AGONY." " OH, REALLY, MELANIE?" "AGONY?" "WHAT IS THAT SMELL?" "FRESH-COOKED HAMBURGER?" "STEAK ON THE GRILL?" "NO, IT'S MY FLESH!" " CALM DOWN." "I'VE ALMOST GOT IT." "THERE." " OH, THANK GOD." "HEY, DO I LOOK MORE TONED?" "NEVER MIND." " I CAN'T BELIEVE PEOPLE BUY THESE THINGS." "I MEAN, EVERYONE KNOWS YOU CAN'T GET FIT WITHOUT EXERCISE." " IT IS THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE BELT IN JAPAN." "AND, WHETHER OR NOT IT WORKS, PEOPLE ARE BUYING THE DREAM." "AND THEY'RE HAPPY WITH THAT." " SO YOU'RE STILL GONNA ENDORSE IT?" " WELL, OF COURSE." "I MEAN, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG" "WITH TELLING PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR" "IF IT MAKES THEM HAPPY." " YEAH, YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT." "ACTUALLY, YOU ARE RIGHT." " I AGREE." "BUT WHY?" " THOSE PEOPLE OUT THERE WANT TO BELIEVE" "THAT HARRY DIED HAPPY BECAUSE OF ME." "AND I HAVE TO TELL THEM WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR." "YOU DID A LOT OF EULOGIES ON EDGE OF TOMORROW." "ARE THERE ANY THAT MIGHT FIT?" " HMM." "LET ME SEE." "SAYING GOOD-BYE TO A SISTER IS NEVER EASY," "EVEN IF SHE WAS MY EVIL TWIN." "NO." "ALPHONSE WILL ALWAYS BE" "A PART OF ALL OF US BECAUSE WE HAD TO EAT HIM TO SURVIVE." "OH, I THINK THAT'S CLOSER." " HEY, JOY." "HONEY, WHAT'S WRONG?" " I WAS OUT BACK WITH DR. GREENLY." "THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO TELL YOU." "MY FATHER PASSED AWAY A FEW MONTHS AGO." " OH, JOY." " HONEY, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US?" " HE TOOK OFF WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER," "AND NOT A WORD SINCE." "I DIDN'T WANT TO GET SYMPATHY FOR FEELINGS" "I WASN'T FEELING OR DIDN'T WANT TO FEEL." "THAT'S WHY MY MOTHER'S BEEN CALLING." "HE LEFT ME SOMETHING." "ONLY, I'M NOT SURE I WANT IT." "BUT LISTENING TO JASON TALK ABOUT HIS FATHER" "WITH SUCH LOVE..." "I'VE ALWAYS HAD THIS FANTASY" "THAT SOME DAY MY DAD AND I WOULD SOMEHOW MAGICALLY RECONNECT" "AND HAVE THE RELATIONSHIP I ALWAYS WANTED." "THEN IT JUST HIT ME." "THAT CAN NEVER HAPPEN NOW." "THAT FANTASY DIED WITH HIM." " AH, HONEY, THAT'S HARD." " SO DR. GREENLY TOLD ME TO WRITE DOWN" "WHAT I WANTED TO SAY TO HIM." " YEAH, WHAT'D YOU WRITE?" " "DEAR DAD, I'M ANGRY." ""I'M ANGRY THAT YOU'RE NOT HERE." ""I'M ANGRY THAT YOU LEFT ME" ""BEFORE WE HAD A CHANCE TO BE EVERYTHING" "WE COULD BE TO EACH OTHER..."" " "BUT MOSTLY I'M ANGRY THAT THE DREAMS I HAD" ""FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP WILL NEVER COME TRUE." ""I CAN ONLY CONSOLE MYSELF" ""WITH THE FEW MEMORIES I DO HAVE" ""YOUR RICH, BOOMING LAUGH," ""AFTER DINNER SITTING ON YOUR LAP," "THE HINT OF WHISKEY ON YOUR BRE..."" " HE DID LOVE HIS WHISKEY." " "THERE IS SO MUCH I'LL NEVER GET TO SAY TO YOU." ""BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW I MISS YOU" ""MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER KNOW." "I LOVE YOU, DADDY."" "I CALLED HIM DADDY." "BUT NOT IN THE CREEPY WAY." "IN THE SEXY WAY." "YOU KNOW, LIKE, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?"" "YOU KNOW, SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW," "I DO BELIEVE THAT THE MAN" "THIS SPEECH WAS WRITTEN FOR HAS HEARD THESE WORDS" "AND HE IS SMILING DOWN AT HIS GIRL." " "DEAREST REJOYLA," ""I HOPE THIS PORTRAIT WILL SERVE AS A REMINDER" ""THAT EVEN THOUGH HE MAY NOT HAVE ALWAYS SHOWN IT," ""YOUR FATHER LOVED YOU VERY MUCH." ""I DO HOPE THIS GIVES YOU SOME HAPPINESS AND PEACE." "LOVE, MUM."" " AW, THAT'S SWEET." " "P.S. NOW THAT YOUR PSYCHIC WOUNDS HAVE HEALED," "PERHAPS YOU CAN FIND A MAN."" " OH." " OHH." " HE EVEN MADE YOUR HANDS PROPORTIONATE TO YOUR BODY." "CLEARLY HE CARED." " HE REALLY DID."