"Ooh, look pretty sharp tonight, Earl." "You going somewhere special?" "Max, I'm free, black and 75." "Who knows what the night will bring?" "Well, here's a 20." "Can you break this the way you just broke my heart?" "Pop, pop!" "Ha, ha!" "Look at all this." "People really tipped well tonight." "Don't get used to it." "Thanksgiving is almost here." "Soon as people realize how much they have to spend on holiday gifts their wallets snap tighter than Kim Kardashian's legs after the wedding check cleared." "I always love this time of year." "Spiced pumpkin lattes, bringing my winter furs out." "Then bringing my winter furs to the dry cleaners to get the red PETA paint out." "For me, it was jumping into a pile of leaves and finding a used condom." "What's up, Children of the Corn?" "I will stay tonight and decorate diner for American holiday of Thanksgiving." "Wow." "I'm surprised you got the right holiday decorations." "Last month you put out Easter bunnies for Yom Kippur." "So many Jewish holidays, I cannot Wikipedia them all." "What, like I don't got a life?" "My father and I had a special Thanksgiving tradition every year." "Let me guess." "You'd fly someplace like the Bahamas, lay by the pool and he'd light other people's stolen money on fire?" "No." "We'd rent out the Waldorf Astoria ballrooms and feed the homeless." "Don't look at me right now." "And after, we'd fly down to our home in St. Barts for two weeks." "Okay, you can look at me again." "I stayed at the Waldorf Astoria once." "Beautiful hotel." "Fifty dollars for a hamburger." "For that money, it should eat me first." "Okay, ready to go?" "If you'd like to do something to honor the spirit of Thanksgiving open your doors, feed the homeless." "Yeah, put your money where your cornstalk is." " Caroline and I will work for free." " Isn't it enough that when I see them on the street, I smile and pretend to fumble for change?" "No, it isn't." "You can afford to open the diner for one night." "You can't put a price tag on those emotional rewards." "Yes, I can." "Eighteen dollars for 16-pound turkey, and I will need many of them." "There." "Price tag." "Here." "I will pay for turkeys." "Jeez, dude, where'd you get that?" "I sell cigarettes from New Hampshire to school kids in New York." "It is a good profit." "And beautiful drive." "I love the leaves." "All right, I'm feeling y'all." "I'll bring the pies." "My mother used to make the best chocolate pie." "She got so mad at this white woman she worked for she took this pie into the bathroom" "No, hold up, that was from The Help." "I know it's not Burberry like we're used to, but I'm telling you." "Used moving blankets are gonna be in this year." "Who's a trendsetter?" "We're really lucky November is so warm." "Another thing I'm giving thanks for this Thanksgiving?" "Global warming." "I think the three remaining polar bears would disagree." "Max, it's time to teach me how to bake." "Okay, well, if we're doing that, first I have to go get baked." "I'm serious." "It's the beginning of the holiday season." "With all the Christmas cupcakes and festive gift baskets you're gonna need help." "Festive holiday gift baskets?" " No way." "I'm not into all that crap." " Oh, no." "Are you one of those "I'm too cool to believe in the wonders of Christmas" type of bitches?" "I am so many types of bitches, I've lost count." "The only wonder of Christmas I'm aware of is I wonder how you're gonna keep that attitude through Christmas." "Why, because this is my first holiday without any money?" "Uh, yeah." "Money isn't what makes the holidays special, Max." "Uh, yeah." "The holidays are totally about money." "About spending money to buy things to stuff into the giant black sucking hole in the center of each of us that reminds us life is hard and then we die." "And that's my Christmas card." "Max, I'm aware this holiday season will be challenging." "Will I miss my 20-foot Christmas tree decorated by ten gay men?" "Yes." "Will I miss those ten gay men outing my cousin Steven before he was ready?" "No." "My holiday spirit is bigger than my money." "Teach me how to bake." " We only have a couple weeks." " Fine." " Pour a cup of milk into the mixer." " This will be fun." "When I was little, I used to make my father cakes in my Easy-Bake Oven." "My Easy-Bake Oven was repossessed." "So, uh, speaking of your father, are you doing okay?" "This is a hard time of year for people who have feelings and with your father in prison, how are you doing?" "I'm great." "I found out that since it's Thanksgiving they're allowing me to see him for the first time." "Well, that excitement will probably taper off after the full-body cavity search." "I don't know, I might like it." "It's been a while since I've had any cavities searched." "All right." "Pour the milk, slut." "One cup milk." " There." "How's that?" " Good." "Now into the mixer." " There." "How was that?" " Uh-uh." "We're not playing "rich girl gets a trophy every time she does something normal."" "Just cover the bowl with the towel so it doesn't splash out and turn it on." " Oh, it's not plugged in." " Oh, right." "No, not without the towel." "Christmas comes but once a year, and I think it just did." "Wow, high-end mixers are a lot of money." "I thought if we came to a big store there'd be a lot of them and better prices." " We can't afford these." " How much did you think they'd be?" "I don't know." "I guess I'm not used to looking at prices." "I usually just point, pout and it's purchased." "I had a version of that, only it was more like point and when they look the other way, stuff steaks down your pants and run." "There has to be a mixer here we can afford." "There is." "Here." "A $5 spoon?" "That's what we can afford?" "Yeah, if we put it on layaway, work hard for a few years." "I'm used to being poor around your stuff, but not around stuff that I want." "What happened to all your "money's not important" holiday spirit?" "Max, it feels like you want me to be depressed about the holidays." "I'm just saying it's okay for you not to be all up around me if you're not feeling it." "It's all right to let your dark side out." "Come to the dark side." "Oh, my God, look." "They're hiring elves." "Why would I go to the dark side when I could go to Santaworld?" "Let's go get in line." "I've always loved Santaworld." "Me too, as a David Sedans story not as an actual real-life option." "If we get hired, we could use our employee discount to get one of the really good cake mixers." "Oh!" "And then it'd be like it came from Santa." "Come on, Max." "We'd be great elves." "I have the holiday spirit, you're great with kids." "And we're both so desperate for money, we'll wear other people's tights." "I've been coming to this store at Christmas since I was little." "I'd get all dressed up in my fanciest winter coat and hat and then stand in line to see Santa with my hands in my muff." "And they didn't throw you out?" "There is nothing Christmas-y about this hallway." "The place Santa sends promiscuous elves to get the results of their STD test." "That kind of comment almost got us knocked out of the first round." " You're lucky I edited your application." " Why?" "What was so bad?" "You requested to work in Santa's sex-toy shop." "Max, that's not even a thing." "Tell that to my candy-cane shaped vibrator." "Max." "I call it "Santa's big helper." Heh-heh." "Please try and get into the holiday spirit." "I know." "If we get hired, we'll go right home and watch Miracle on 34th Street." "It'll be a miracle on 34th Street if we make it out of the bottom of this slave ship without elf scurvy." "Hi." "I couldn't help but overhear you mention Miracle On 34th Street." "That's my absolute favorite Christmas movie." "Mine too." "Second favorite is It's a Wonderful Life." " Mine too." " I've got Schindler's List on Blu-ray." " Hi, I'm Mary." " I'm Caroline." "Hi." "I'm Mary." "It's cool." "We don't need to talk." "That's Max." "She's kind of a Grinch about Christmas." "Oh." "Like my brother Patrick." "He's always teasing me about loving Christmas." "He calls me Mary Christmas." "Get it?" "Ha, ha!" "It's because my name is Mary." "Ha, ha!" "I can't help it, it's my favorite time of year." " Mine too." " Yo." "Disconnect before it's too late." "Don't be so cynical." "Especially Christmas Eve." "It's an O'Brien family tradition, all seven of my sisters and brothers we line up on the staircase in our brand-new Christmas PJs and have our picture taken." " Bitch is 30." " Max." "It's my father." "Hi, Daddy." "You'll never guess where I am right now." "Applying for a job at Santaworld." "No, it's not depressing at all." "The man's in prison and he thinks this is depressing." "Oh." "Are you sure?" "It's really not that far." "Okay, if that's what you want." "Call me on Thanksgiving." "Love you." "He thought about it and doesn't want me to come." "He can't face..." "...having me see him in there." " You okay?" "Fine." "Quiet, please, people." "I have an announcement." "Everyone in this corridor has been chosen to be an elf." "Mazel." "Yay, we're elves." "Report to work at 3 a.m. the morning of Black Friday." "Ooh!" "This is so exciting." "Ha, ha!" "Fa la Ia la Ia La la la Ia" "Okay, well, I'll see you both then." "Okay, Mary" "Great, 3 a.m. You, me and Definitely-A-Virgin Mary." "Good night." "Get home safely." "Oh." "Maybe I should not have said that to homeless." "That is it, 2 a.m. Freebie Thanksgiving dinner is now officially over." "According to my calculations, we served over 300 turkey dinners and only had two knife fights." "Thank you, Caroline." "This experience taught me that rich or poor, home or homeless we are all the same." "Wait." "Where's my wallet?" "They took my wallet." "Those dirty sons of" "Oh, here it is." "Yes, we are all the same." "Well, I have two things to say." "First, I'm proud of us for spreading the spirit of Thanksgiving together." "And secondly, someone left an adult diaper in this booth and I am not dealing with that." "What's with the sad face?" "You saw the bathroom?" "We fed the homeless, but it doesn't feel like Thanksgiving without my father." "You made a lot of people happy tonight." " You should feel pretty good about that." " Yes, I do." "Come on, elf." "Clear these tables." "We have to be at Santaworld in an hour." "You have to be there in the middle of the night?" "Because it's Black Friday." "The doors open at 5 a.m." "We wanna be there right on time to see the first person trampled to death by Uggs." "We work all night and then all day tomorrow." " How are we gonna do this?" " I got the answer right here." "Max, I'm not doing cocaine." "If we could afford cocaine, we could afford a mixer." " Nine-Hour Energy shots, a.k.a. Elf Juice." " I've never done these." "Do they work?" "Millions of wired-off-their-asses college students can't be wrong." "Whoa, whoa, wh" " Did you just drink that whole thing?" " Yeah." "Why?" "Nothing." "I'm sure it's not too much." "They suggest sipping it, but who are they?" "All right, we'd better go." "We gotta go, go, go." "Oh, you should've sipped it." "How do I look?" "Because I kind of feel like I look like a north pole-dancer." "You actually look cute." "You look good in red and green together." "You can pull off anything." "You're so beautiful." "I don't tell you that enough." "Whoa!" "Whoa, slow down, Speed Racer." "I can't stop." "What was in that stuff you gave me?" "I don't know." "The ingredients are in Spanish." "Well, my corazón is beating muy rápido." " Why aren't you in your elf costume yet?" " I was talking to those people." "There's a slight chance, but a chance, I could move to the strolling carolers." "Their ethnic mix is short a token blond." "And I'm blond, baby." "No, no." "Look, forget it." "You got me into the underbelly of the elf beast." "You are not bailing on me." "Those period costumes are so much prettier." "I'll knock you to Rudolph's house if you abandon me." "We're in this together." "Get your bells." "I didn't wanna tell you this because it's gross." "The last elf who had the tights they gave me?" "Let's just say her little lady elf friend visited unexpectedly." "Ew." "Talk about a period costume." "You're right." "It's disgusting." "I can't do this anymore." "I'm leaving." "I don't wanna do this anymore." "I feel tired and wired at the same time." "This was an awful, awful, awful idea." "All right, calm down." "Jeez, you're like a Christmas crack monkey." "Look, we are not going anywhere, okay?" "You got me all elfed up and now we need these jobs." "Talk to someone and tell them why you need a new pair of tights." "I can't." "It's embarrassing." "Look, either you ask her or you rip out the crotch and risk showing 6-year-olds your winter wonderland." "And now I'm sad." "You." "The one with the dark hair." "Come with me." "Where?" "And is there a drug test involved?" "Change of plans." "I need for you to be Mrs. Claus." "The other one had to leave." "Blamed menopause." "Menopause, please." "Heh." "I had my uterus yanked out on my lunch hour and I was back at my desk by 2." "Follow me." "Oh, unless you don't want that extra $2 an hour." "Oh, no." "You are not leaving me here alone when I'm crashing on elf juice." "If I can't be a singer, you can't be Mrs. Claus." "Well, I'm sorry, but I'm throwing you under the sled, sister." "That extra $2 an hour will bring us closer to the really good mixer." "And the way my life is going this might be my only chance to be married to a rich guy." "I'd double-check those tights if I were you." " Look over here." " Look over here." "Unh." "These tights suck." "Hi." "Hi, elf." "I just got assigned to the front of the line with you." "Oh, crap." "It's me, Mary." "Mary Christmas." "Ha, ha." " Like my brother Patrick always says." " Yeah, you said that." "Look at how cute we look, Jingles." "I just named you Jingles." "Heh-heh." "Get it?" "Because of all your bells." "Oh, listen." "Ah." "This is my number one favorite Christmas song." "Ooh!" " What's your favorite?" ""Silent Night." Get it?" "Because I want you to be silent." "What's the matter with you?" "You're acting like an elf-hole." " Oh, hello, children." " Yeah!" " Who's next to see my husband, Santa?" " I am so mad at you right now." "Oh-ho-ho-ho." "Um, hold on, children." "Mrs. Claus is just having an issue with one of her elf employees." " What are you doing?" "What's wrong?" " You abandon me on Christmas the day after my father abandons me on Thanksgiving?" "You have balls." "Christmas balls, like on Santa's tree." "Or a Hanukkah bush." "Look, I've got my own problems, okay?" "Santa is kind of handsy." "And you leave me here with this one when I'm coming down the bad side of Nine-Hour Energy Mountain?" "I don't know what's at the bottom, but so far, not the miracle on 34th Street." " Well, elf" " Her name is Jingles." "One more word, Mary." "Seriously." "Listen, Bipolar Express you need to jingle up that mountain because all these kids are looking at us." "Hello." "You got your list for Santa?" "Yep." "Got it right here." "Well, he's waiting for you, so go right ahead in." "Yay!" "Let's go." "Hi." "Oh, you look so pretty in your hat and your coat." "Thank you very much." "I used to have a coat like that." "But she gave it to a reindeer because he was very cold." "Oh, you have your list for Santa?" "Let's see what you want." " Oh, a pretty doll." " Had it." " An Easy-Bake Oven." " Had it." " A Barbie Dreamhouse." " Oh." "Had that too." "Had all those things and now I have nothing." " Nothing to stick in my big hole." " Okay." "Jingles, what are you doing?" " Tell them, Max." " No, no, I'm not Max." "I'm Mrs. Claus." "Mrs. Beyoncé Claus." "And I'm married to Santa." "No, tell them what you told me." "That it's all just stuff we buy to stick in our big holes." "I've been married for 50 years." "I don't even think about holes anymore." "Why is she talking to children about holes?" " I'll get her" " Caroline" " No, Max." "You were right." "They should know the truth." "Mrs. Claus, have a little elf control." "Jingles, come into my little house." "No, Max, they should know." "There is no miracle on 34th Street and it's not such a wonderful life." "If it were, I wouldn't be standing here in crotchless tights in Santaworld with a father in prison, too broke to buy a mixer." " Stop it." "You're gonna ruin Christmas." " Christmas is all about money." "If you want stuff from Santa, you gotta buy it, because there is no" "Merry Christmas." "Get her out of here now." "And you, put your knees together." "Hope I didn't ruin Christmas for all those sweet children." "No, you didn't." "All they saw was a crotchless elf freaking out." "But Mary Christmas will never recover." "They'll find her in her studio apartment in two weeks hung from the chimney with care." "This is all kind of your fault." "You told me to come to the dark side." "I didn't think you'd turn into Darth Caroline." "Once I went, I couldn't get back." " And chugging that elf juice didn't help." " It wasn't just the drink." "Before those presents came crashing down on me, reality did." "I have no money and a father in prison who didn't wanna see me on Thanksgiving." "Yeah, well, there are a lot of people way worse off than you." "Yes, your father's in prison, but at least you have one and you know where he is." "And you have a home and a job." "And you have a freaking horse." "So happy holidays." "It is a wonderful life." "You're right." "I am so lucky." "Well, since right now is the closest to the Christmas spirit we're gonna get Santa wanted me to give you your Christmas present now." "It's our new mixer." "We're gonna old-school it." "Oh, you spooned me." "I feel bad, I didn't get you anything." "Max, you got me everything." "Before you, I was living on a subway, and now look." "I'm living near a subway." "So did you buy this?" "No, it's from Santa." "Jingles, did you steal this?" "Yeah." "Ha, ha." "I grabbed it when they were throwing us out." "Wow, Caroline Channing." "You keep this up, you won't have to ask permission to visit your father in prison." "But I did give $2 of our cupcake fund money to the Salvation Army Santa." "So, God bless us everyone." "It's a wonderful life." "It's times like this I really miss Darth Caroline."