"My fellow Americans," "I stand before you this morning in barefaced awe of the majesty of our democratic system." "What a night." "In a democracy such as ours, it falls to the people to choose their president, and that is what you attempted to do last night." "As it turned out, there's a virtually unprecedented tie in the electoral college, a somewhat arcane institution that many scholars believe we should do away with." "I wish to say on a personal note that although there is a tie," "I am most privileged to have won the popular vote." "And though this tie may be frustrating," "I want to assure the American people our country is not leaderless." "No matter who you voted for, I am your president." "Thank you all." "God bless you." "And may God bless the United States of America." "We're clear." "Can we have the room?" "Fantastic speech, ma'am." "The three Ss... strength, stability and bullshit." "I forgot to thank the voters for making our country look like a high school Spanish club." "Didn't those founding fuckers ever hear of an odd number?" "Two great Greek contributions to society... democracy and getting fucked up the ass." "I've tried both and they're way overrated, like jazz." "My bowling coach used to say a tie was like kissing your sister." "Well, this feels like my sister took a shit on my chest." "God, I'll tell you something, too, okay?" "There is no world in which I am going to be vice president to that smug, Dick Van Dyke-looking motherfucker Tom James." "Who in the hell does he think..." "Catherine, what are you doing with that thing?" " Is that on?" " Remember when we got back last night?" "My thesis film about the tie." "She majored in film at Vassar College." "Oh, believe me, I know what she majored in." "65 grand a year to watch movies." "Mom, this is such a historic event." "Can you please just get off of me?" "And I never came up with a thesis my advisor liked because I had that thing last semester where I was tired all the time..." "Okay, we don't have time to hear the story of your syndrome." "What about your minor, dance?" "Why don't you make up a little kind of a dance about the election?" "You know, you can't decide should you dance or should you not dance?" "I want you to take this seriously." "You promised me." "Please, Catherine, stop with the whining, all right?" "You're gonna shatter the bulletproof glass in here." "How is it that we did not win Delaware?" "Okay, is that a yes to my question?" "Okay, she can have full access, okay?" "Starting right after we address the situation in Yemen." "Honey, it's Yemen." "Life gives you Yemen, you got to make Yemenade." "Okay, well, I'll come back later." "You always do." "Ma'am." "No, there's not gonna be a film." "The only thing Catherine ever finished was an entire ice cream cake." "Quick thinking about Yemen, by the way." "Actually, four Christian missionaries burned to death." "Oh, even better." "Amy!" "Jesus." "This thing on the side of my face feels like a dog nipple." "It's hardly noticeable, ma'am, like our Hispanic voter turnout." "Maybe you just might want to see a doctor just in case." "No, she doesn't need a doctor." "I got it under control." " Amy!" " Yeah?" " So, what?" " Nothing." "I've been on the phone all night with these clueless constitutional law experts of ours." "I don't know what's getting their dicks harder, an electoral college tie or talking to a girl." " Are you back?" " No, I'm not back." "I'm just helping out." " Ma'am." " What?" "Do you want to see a doctor about the..." " It's a stress pimple." " No, it's..." " I get them on my ass all the time." " It's not a stress pimple." "It's a pimple that erupted during a very stressful time." " Gary's on it, okay?" " Exactly, yes." " I don't have a spoon." " Oh." "Have you tried cider vinegar?" "No, we're using hot compresses." "That's all we need." "For the stress pimple?" "Ben gets those on his butt." "She should see a doctor." " Amy's back." " No, I'm not back." " Ma'am, rave reviews on the speech." " Good." " Oh, and big news." " Oh, God, O'Brien made a statement?" "I'm sorry, I should have said big personal news." "Wendy and I are adopting a baby from China." "Oh!" "We were keeping it a secret till after the election." "Actually, Wendy was keeping it a secret from me until today because I'm so bad with keeping secrets." " But I'm gonna be a dad." " You're a nincompoop." "We are in the middle of a tied election." "There is no time for some Chinese baby." "Cancel it and see if you can get your money back." "Fortune cookie say you fuck up big-time, round eye." "It's not a big deal." "I don't even know when to expect her." "And, starting today, I'm getting in dad shape." "Counting my steps." "Too bad you're not counting your missteps." "You'd be done by breakfast, right?" "I prefer to count my steps in my head." "4,383." "Get out of my sight, Kent, okay?" "I have not forgiven you for this tie." "Ma'am, I have the final House results." " Lafontaine won?" " Mm-hmm." "How many abortions does a pro-lifer have to pressure his mistress into before the people turn on him?" " Three." " And how did Craig lose?" "Didn't she go to Indiana, like, five times?" "That may have been the problem." "All right, listen." "From this moment forward, people, I am all about the House vote." "We are recommending direct engagement with individual congressmen." " That's got to happen." " That's right." "And every day you have to do the one thing O'Brien can't do." " Yeah, drive sober." " Take a shit without getting a hernia." "Be the president." "It is imperative that you look presidential right now." "I'm going to visit troops, go on and off of Air Force One as much as possible." " We don't even have to leave the ground." " Right." "Ma'am, you may want to consider" " moving up that symposium on race." " Uh..." "I don't think that we're symposium on race desperate yet." " All right?" " Hi." "Sorry I'm late." "Strangely, I agree with everything Amy just said." "And if I may also suggest repurposing the election Twitter account to a new POTUS account to talk directly to the American people." "Great idea, Bill." "Could you... could you step outside for a moment, please?" "Sure." "Now." "There's only one person" "I'd be more surprised to see today in the Roosevelt Room and that's Teddy fucking Roosevelt." " I'm just trying to help the president." " And she appreciates that." "But the US Attorney for the District of Columbia is prepared to indict you." "You're as welcome here as a swastika-shaped shit in a synagogue." " Of course." " I spoke with the president and she's willing to reconsider a full pardon if you surrender quietly." "No media." "Just don't want to dominate the news cycle." " Can I just say one thing?" " Yes, good-bye." "So, how'd it go?" "He took it like a man." "Oh, well, he better get used to that." "Pfft." "Isn't she adorable?" " Oh, they all look alike to me." " What?" "Not Chinese people, but pictures of children." "How old?" "The agency says she's either 16 months or three years old." " Do you like your Fitbit?" " Oh, yeah." "I am just over 12,000 steps today." "I'm at 3,000." "Did you run to work today?" "No, the job keeps me active." "Office of the president." "Hold, please." "When we come back, the pollster postmortem." "Why were the exit polls so off?" " Oh, Greg." "Greg." " Dan." " Great job last night." " Thank you." "I saw Matty Curtis crying in the parking garage." "That's fantastic." "Hey, listen." "I was really hoping to get back on, but they got me waiting" " in the greenroom for, like, two hours." " Spauldy showed up." "He's here." "He's getting his hair done." "Just go home, I guess." "But I killed it last night, right?" "Dan, look, I think you could have a future in this, but you got to get out there and make a name for yourself." "You ran one campaign for two weeks and had a nervous breakdown." "That is medically inaccurate." "Go out, win a race with a Jesus-loving homophobic homosexual or a racist billionaire." "Then we can talk about a career in TV." " How's Zitzilla looking?" " Angry." "You been picking at it?" "No." "Ahem, well, maybe a little bit, but..." " Ow!" "Oh, my God." " Oh, my God." "What?" "What?" " Oh, that is so hot." " It's supposed to be hot." "And the tea is cold." "Madam President, Chinese hackers breached an NSA firewall earlier this morning." " Any chance they fixed the Wi-Fi?" " I'll check." "And the director of the Secret Service is waiting to see you." "Then send him in." "If he's been waiting to see me, I mean..." " hi, Keith." " Sorry to bother you, ma'am." "No, it's okay." "It's no bother." "Since you became president, we have been looking for a new lead agent for your detail." "Gosh, I like Bob." "I mean, apart from the discolored tooth." "But that's obviously not a reason to replace him." " Can they replace the tooth?" " No, no." "Ma'am, this is Special Agent Marjorie Palmiotti." " Oh, hello." " Hello, ma'am." " Agent?" " Palmiotti." " Palmiotti, okay." "Welcome aboard." " Thank you." "Ma'am, a key requirement for being lead agent is someone who looks like the president, especially from behind, to provide an additional decoy target for any would-be assailants." "I'm a perfect match from behind." "Um, okay, I'll tell you something." "I am not quite seeing it, um, only because I'm... well, you are..." "Ma'am?" "It's just... would you mind just giving us a second," "Agent Palmi... thank you." "Keith, are you really not seeing what it is I'm seeing?" " No, ma'am." " Gary, can you help me out here?" "She smells completely different, so, you know..." "That is not what... it's not..." "Excuse me, ma'am, if you..." "I'm sorry." " What?" " You've got to see this, ma'am." " Pleasure to meet you." " Pleasure to meet you, ma'am." "Oh, shit." "The big story at this moment..." "Nevada." "With all the votes now tallied," "Senator Bill O'Brien's lead over President Selina Meyer is now less than half a percent, which by Nevada state law would allow for a possible recount." "If President Meyer were to win a recount, she wins Nevada's six electoral votes" " and therefore the presidency." " Oh!" " All the networks have it." " "New York Times" as well." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, wait." "Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute." "Is this really happening?" "I mean, do we actually have a chance at Nevada?" " "Nev-add-a."" " Oh, my God." "I get to be president." "I don't have to move." "What do we do?" "Ma'am, we need to be sure that when we get on..." "No, shut up, Kent." "You already lost Nevada for me once." " "Nev-add-a."" " Ben, what do we do?" "Uh, we need to get ahold of our people in Nevada." "Don't." "Don't." "The vast majority of Nevada voting is done by machine." "Once the Nevada Secretary of State certifies the count, we'll then have 72 hours to request a recount." "At that point, 5% of the precincts will be selected, and if there's a discrepancy of more than 1%, a full hand recount will be requested." "I actually did my doctorate in recount procedures in the West." "Excellent work, Richard." "Richard works for me." "You have a doctorate?" "Two." "Constitutional law and veterinary medicine," " which was my fallback." " But you were getting my coffee." "Which is much harder 'cause you have so many different moods." "Like a half-caff and a full-caff, macchiato." " "Ma-key-ato."" " Macchiato." "Okay, Richard, you are going to be my recount specialist." " Jonah, you're working for Richard." " Wait, what?" "Amy, you got to sort all of this out, okay?" "Ma'am, I really can't go to Nevada." "I'm not even really here." "Ma'am, O'Brien is calling a press conference in an hour to discuss the recount." "I'm gonna talk in a half an hour, okay?" "I got to say stuff before he says stuff." " Listen, you got to write something up." " I'm on it." " Right now." "Ooh, recount, recount." " I'm on it." "Jonah, with me, please." "This is highly enriched weapons-grade bullshit." "How dare she put you in charge of me?" "It's an outrage is what it is." "It is an outrage, you know?" "She's Uncle Dursley and she's got the great wizard Harry Potter living under the staircase." "Do you see that?" "But what happens in the Harry Potter books?" "He rises up and he kills all the muggles." "I don't think that's what happens." "Actually, I'm sorry, that lumbar support goes with this chair." " Yeah, we're getting there." " Okay, so what do you got?" "Am I still standing in barefaced awe of the majesty of our democratic system?" "Not exactly, ma'am." "This time..." " Oh, sorry." " What?" "Just hit 5,000 steps on my Fitbit." " Okay, okay." " This time, you're simply blessed." "Wow, I thought your last one was flowery, vacuous nonsense." "This one is much worse." "Excellent, Mike." "Gary, this is taking longer than it did for them to paint my fucking pool house." "We got to go." " Good afternoon." " Good afternoon." "Yes, oh, wow." "Look at this full house." "When I think about this great country of ours," "I have to count my blessings." "Earlier today as you'll remember," "I briefed you on the state of affairs regarding..." "It's looking a little worse." "Wherever you stand in the room, it's still looking at you." "Since that time, we have been doubly blessed by new developments in the state of Nevada." "And I am confident that all Americans, including Senator O'Brien..." " Leave it." "Leave it." " Come on." "It is my clear duty as president to enforce the laws of this country after a careful assessment of what those laws actually mean." "I am also blessed to be your candidate for president." " What is this?" " Did it pop?" "Did it pop?" "The Dow is dropping lower than my balls on a hot summer day." "While the American people may sometimes be..." "It's the fucking pimple." "Zitzilla just stomped all over Wall Street." "And in that, we are all blessed." "Thank you." "So, how was that?" " Uh..." " The Dow has dropped 986..." "Oh, suck my dick." "Panic from the recount led to a huge sell-off and the market is so overmargined, blammo." "They're already calling it Black Wednesday." "Jesus, it's only Wednesday?" "And O'Brien just issued a statement." "He says, "The market crash caused a blotch on the face of America."" "Is that about my pimple?" "Well, I don't think it helped." " Gary." " Yeah?" " I want to see a doctor." " Okay, I just don't think..." "You did this, okay?" "All that heat made it grow bigger." "You baked a fucking soufflé on my face." "Madam President." "Howzit going?" "Did he just say zit?" "How come no one ever tries to assassinate a vice president?" "Okay, so what are we going to do about the economy?" "Why don't we appoint an economy czar for a start?" "That seems like something." "Like an empty cop car they park on the side of the road to slow speeders." "Those cars are empty?" " Okay, you've got to sit down." " Yes, ma'am." "Guys, it might be time to move up the symposium on race." "I'm on it, ma'am, like brown on rice." "Ma'am, Tom James just gave an interview to the Bumfuck "Plain Dealer"" "where he says, and I quote, "I just want to make sure they're recounting all the absentee ballots of our men and women bravely serving overseas."" "It's up on AP, too." "What is he doing?" "He knows that the military hates me." "There are only bound to be more votes for O'Brien." "We need less of those and more votes for you, ma'am." "You think?" "No, what we have to do is hang a bell on this guy." "He's completely off book." "No, ma'am, I think that means that he's learned all his lines and he no longer needs a script." " No, he's off book." " Off the hook?" "No, he's..." "God, he's deviating from the book of the things that he should do." " You mean off the rails." " Oh." "Fine, he's off the rails." "Well, let's make Tom economy czar." "Yeah." "We'll czar him." "That'll give him something to do." "All right, we're gonna start with that." "Amy, Amy, I just need to talk to you for one second." "I've got a very big question." "I can't go to Nevada." "I'm sorry." "I have thought about this a lot." "What do you think of Candi Caruso to head up Nevada for me?" "Oh, yeah." "I hear just excellent things about her." " "Harvard Law Review."" " Right." "She clerked for Justice Tenny." " "Politico" 's 30 under 30." " That's right." "She's still under 30." "She looks older, but..." " You like her?" "Yeah." " Yes." "I mean, if you want a super smart woman who's young and brilliant, then why not?" "Yeah, I really want that." "I really do." "Look, regardless of the recount, this could mean big things for zucchini." "Yeah, good." "We'll talk later." "Bye." "Hey, Danny boy." "Saw you on TV last night." " Nicely done." " Yeah." "Thank you." "That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about." " Uh-huh." " See, I need to make some changes." "Can you just let me hold on one quick second?" " Yeah." " Shoot off this text." "Sorry, go ahead." " You were saying?" " I was." "I was saying that I really enjoyed my time here." " Oh, good." " And I've learned so much from you." "That's good to hear." " Sorry about that." " Go ahead, take that." " Yeah?" " Yeah." " It's from you?" " Is it?" " I'm fired?" " Yes, get out." "We are doubling down on O'Brien, so you're basically as useless to me as a 40-year-old woman." "Okay, well..." "Oh, interesting." "Getting something back from you." "Oh, "You can't fire me, I quib."" "You know it's supposed to say quit." "Well, I just fired you anyway." "You can't quib, you rebard." "Ma'am, someone opened a Twitter account for the pimple." " What?" " It's called POTUS." " Pimple of the United States." " Okay." "There are 220,000 followers as of five minutes ago." "How many Twitter followers do I have?" "Approaching that." "Is there anything not fucked up that you can tell me right now?" "Well, the symposium on race is all set for this afternoon." "Oh, good." "Well, that'll be a hoot." "Oh, czar she blows." "Excuse me, gentlemen." "...with the press on Sundays." " Hey, Tom." "Excuse me." " Madam President." " How are you?" " I am good." " So you're up to speed on Nevada?" " Uh-huh." " And the markets now." " I saw that." "My God." "Which brings me to my point." "Um, I would like to officially offer you..." "No, no, no, no." " ...the position of economy czar." " Nope, nope, nope." "Thank you, but no." "Why not?" "You would be in charge of the economic crisis." "No, I would be blamed for the economic crisis." "Tom, stop it." "You wanted to be Treasury Secretary." "Remember?" "I don't see how this is any different than that." "Well, respectfully, Madam President, I hope you do because if the President of the United States can't tell the difference between Treasury Secretary and stock market patsy, that's pretty disturbing." "Then you accept?" "Madam President, it is a huge honor, but I have to balance that against my need not to do it." "Tom, I'm asking you as the President of the United States." "And, respectfully, I am declining." "I'm not picking up any respect." "But you're getting the declining?" "Do you know what Candi Caruso's real name is?" "It's Candice." "And she changed it to Candi with an I." "If she does that to her own goddamn name, how the hell is she going to handle a potential recount?" "Good morning, Amy." "This is the president's schedule, which, incidentally, Ms. Caruso is on right now." " Oh, I'm aware." " Oh, good morning, ma'am." " Good morning." " Hey, ma'am..." "Okay, I see you." "You stay away from my face." "I hear you, but this is a family recipe from my aunts in Savannah and they swear by it for skin problems and migraines." "Mm-hmm." "Chickpea based, Tabasco, with just a dash..." "All you're doing right now is making me hungry." "So why don't you do something about that?" "Sure, sure." " Snack." " Uh-huh, yeah." "Amy, did you need me for anything?" " No." "I'm just chilling." " No?" "Mmm." "I think the most important thing in terms of strategy is controlling the narrative." "Oh, I have a saying." "If you're explaining, you're losing." "Absolutely." "I'm right on board with you." " Excuse me, Madam President." " Amy." "Have... have you met Candi?" "Hi, it's Candi with an I." "Amy with a Y. Which is correct." "We are right in the middle of an interview with an exceptionally wonderful candidate for coordinating Nevada." "Ma'am, it's just gonna take a second." " Apologies." "I'll be right back." " Absolutely." " I got you a snack." " Oh, yeah, give me that." "That's a great dress." "Oh, thank you." " Size two?" " Um..." "Ms. Caruso, the president sends her apologies, but the position has been filled." " Ooh." " Right this way." "Okay." "And if I need more clothes, then I'll have you or Mom send them." "Yeah, fine, bye." "Richard." " What's this?" " You know Jonah." "He works for me." "In fact, you two used to date, but you never got over him." "Not Jonah." "Why is baby with a beard here?" "Oh, good, you remember Cliff." "He works for me now." "I recruited him from Justice." "The first of many appointments I intend to make." "Here, Richard, we need recount lawyers in each county and we need housing for all the volunteers." "Could you take care of this, Jonah?" "Cliff, my plate is just full of shit right now and I'd like for you to clean that." "You know what?" "I'll do it." "Yeah." " I love talking to people anyway." " Get out." "Out." "Take that cushion with you." "That is disgusting." "Actually, it goes with the seat, so it should probably stay." "Madam President!" "I can't understand a word." "This afternoon I asked Tom James to serve as economy czar and to my delight, he said yes." "Madam President!" "Senator James' selflessness is an inspiration to us all." "Whatever useless, vain, vapid thing you're doing right now, drop it." "Well, I am enjoying a delicious sandwich made even more delicious by the fact that there's a homeless guy watching me eat it." "I need you to get on this plane to Nevada with me today." "Been there, got fucked by that." "Cut the shit." "You just got fired." " Purcell's told everyone in town." " That fucker!" "Right now you're about as toxic as a urinal cake in Chernobyl and I am offering you a job." "You have exactly zero seconds to decide." "You know, Candi Caruso would have asked me nicer." "Sue, the president's remarks for the symposium." "And... caught you." "18,000 steps." "I am Chinese baby ready." "Oh, my God." "Mike, when are the auditions for "Music Man"?" "So how many flights, Mike?" " What do you mean flights?" " As in flights of stairs." "Burns way more calories." "I am at 22 flights today." "How... stairs?" "The things you walk up and down." "Hi, Sue." "Is she busy?" "Oh, wow, never mind." " Oh, looky, looky." " How could you do this?" " What?" " I gave you my decision." " Oh, suck it." " Excuse me?" "Yeah, you heard me." "I LBJ'd you, okay?" "I'm the LBJ queen and you are Sargent "Suck It" Shriver." "And now you have to excuse me, because this pimple isn't getting any smaller." "Kind of like the national debt." "Hey, Sue, is Dr. Abernethy here?" " Yes." " Okay, send him in, please." " Do you mind?" "Hi there, Doctor." " Madam President." "You know Senator James." "He's our new economy czar." " Oh, congratulations, sir." " Thank you." "Prosperity is just around the corner." " Oh, good." "Good, good." " How may I help you?" "Well, you can get rid of this Skittle that's embedded in my face." "She's also got a mole near her Spanx line and it's hidden..." "Yeah, and this thing up my ass has got to get removed, too." " How are you, Gary?" " Fine." "You?" " Oh, yeah." "That is really deep." " See?" "What have you been doing?" " Just putting heat on it." " Well, hot heat." "That's the last thing you want to be doing." " Okay." " It wasn't that hot." "Small cortisone shot should take care of it." " Uh, excuse me, ma'am." " Oh, yeah, come in." "We have to go over your opening statement for the symposium." " Sure." " Also, ma'am, catastrophic mudslides in Idaho." "The governor is requesting a federal state of emergency." " This should be cleared up in 24 hours." " Okay." "Just keep your skin free of all irritants for a few days." " Ma'am, he said no irritants." " You're an irritant." "How much did we lose Idaho by?" " Shellacked." " Uh, well over 212,000 votes." "Then I declare a state of go fuck yourself." "I'm not spending money to scrape mud off a bunch of dirt roads." " You're not from Idaho, are you, Doctor?" " No, ma'am." "I don't mean this to sound insensitive, but don't you think that mudslides are the funniest kind of natural disasters?" "I've always been partial to sinkholes." "You know, ah!" " Those are hilarious." " Nature's trapdoor." "Ma'am, makeup is an irritant and we really need that." " Makeup is not an irritant." " Actually, ma'am, yes, it is." "Let's avoid any makeup on the facial area for at least 48 hours." " You're gonna feel a small..." " Oh, no, we're not gonna do this." " But thanks for coming." " Yes, ma'am." "I'll show you out." "We need to take a peek at this." " Thank you, Doc." " Cold compress, Gary." "Whatever." "I mean..." "Yeah, took the words right out of my mouth." " Right?" " Yeah." " Ma'am?" " Hmm?" "Oh, Ben, were we able to get Dr. Weisglass here today?" "Absolutely, ma'am." "Okay." "Oh, good, Catherine." "You're documenting this." "Okay, welcome to the First Annual Towards a New Promise..." "Mom, don't look into the camera." " Just pretend I'm not here." " But you are here." "Yeah, but that's the point of a documentary film is that you're..." "Okay, I don't understand what this project is at all." "I don't get it." "Catherine, why is that your hair?" "They're ready for you, ma'am." "There he is." "Dr. Weisglass." "Pleasure to see you again, Madam President." "I'm so pleased you were able to make it." "And I'm really excited to start this conversation today." " Yes, ma'am." " Sam O'Keefe, also Harvard." "I think what we're gonna talk about today is hard, but I think it's going to be worth it, don't you agree?" " I agree, yes." "Thank you." " Good, good." "Madam President, Elisa Burke, cochair of African-American Studies at Howard." " Oh, Ms. Burke, is it?" " Yes." "Great." "Well, every difficult conversation starts with a sentence." "What the fuck is going on here?" "Why are they all white?" "Looks like the NHL All-Star Weekend." "Okay." "Hello." "Franklin Washington, Morehouse University." "Now, Morehouse University is historically an African-American university." " Historically." " Okay." "We need to round up some blacks and fast." " We need to round up..." " Don't say it over the radio, asshole." "Richard!" "Oh, thank God." "Go get Sue." "We need her now." " Right now." " Yeah." "Folks, I look around here today and I see a rainbow of faces, you know?" "Faces from the savannahs of Africa to the cities and towns of England." "Faces from... from Holland and even perhaps Norway." "In your fucking face, Sue." "Fuck!" "Everyone remain calm." "We're in total lockdown" " while we search the premises." " We got her." "Freeze!" "Put your hands up!" "Whoa, whoa!" "I work here." " Huh?" "What happened?" " Ma'am?" "Mr. McLintock, why are there so few people of color in the Meyer White House?" "Mike, does President Meyer care about black people?" "Just moments ago, Bill Ericsson, former Director of White House Communications, was arrested at his Kalorama home and taken into federal custody." "Due to the seriousness of the crimes and despite rumors to the contrary, a pardon is not on the table." "Regrettably, he was also responsible for the chaos that occurred at the symposium on race today." "Thank you." "That's all for now." "Once again, our top story tonight, disgraced presidential aide Bill Ericsson goes into federal custody." "This is a strong move by the president, who was under fire for a disastrous symposium on race that left some wondering if she had any control over her administration." "No comment!" "Wow, he looks puffy on TV." "Well, prison will get him in shape." "Okay, now I've just got to blow for, like, five minutes, all right?" "When we come back, a wild day on Wall Street." "And we'll go live to Nevada where armies of staffers and volunteers for the Meyer and O'Brien campaigns are descending on the desert to monitor and manage the recount." "If you do not have a reservation, we are sold out." "There are no more rooms at this hotel." "Richard, have your people check us in." "We're going to the lounge." "Jonah, take care of that." "Cliff, would..." "Cliff?" "Cliff?" "Excuse me, are you in line?" "Does anybody know where the line ends?"