"Hi, Sophia." "How are you this morning?" "My joints ache, my ears are ringing and I think my butt dropped two inches on the way down the hall." "All in all, not bad." " You want some breakfast?" " Not if you're making it." "Oh, come on, is an old family favourite, chocolate-chip pancakes." "Made with brown sugar, honey, whipped cream and maple syrup." "If God had meant man to eat like that," "He would have handed him his teeth in a Baggie." " Well, excuse me for asking." " I'm sorry." "I'm just irritable." "Poor Sophia." "Are you upset because your friend Berenice moved back to Chicago?" "No, Rose, I'm upset because I can't relate to thirtysomething." "Of course thas why I'm upset!" "I know just how you feel." "Ls hard losing your best buddy." "You're telling me." "Good morning, Sophia." "Rose, honey, you don't have time to eat." "As my campaign manager, it is your duty to spend every waking hour ensuring my victory, so that once in office I can implement the changes needed to move forward in the grand tradition of the founders of this, our great country." "What office are you running for?" "Fashion show chairman of the Tinkerbells." "Morning." "Rose, I hope you don't mind - I borrowed your golf glove." " I have a date to play this morning." " With a man?" "No, Blanche." "With a Venus flytrap." " Of course with a man." " Is it Raymond again?" " As a matter of fact, yes." " Raymond?" "He's the guy you picked up at the grocery store." "I did not pick him up." "He asked me if I could recommend a good coffee, and then I threw myself underneath his shopping cart." " Oh, I think he sounds really nice." " He is." "We've had a wonderful time together these past few weeks." "You know, girls, I really like him." "And I think he like me." "Just don't ruin it and sleep with him." "Of course not, Ma." "I only do that with men I plan to scar psychologically." "Oh, by the way, I forgot." "This came for you." "A postcard from Berenice." " I don't want it." " I thought you missed her." "I do." "But if I read that, I'll only miss her more." "Ma, I know you're lonely for Berenice, but is been over a month now." "Ls not just Berenice." "The whole gang is gone." "Gladys went to live with her daughter, Edie got married, Alice died." "Lillian is still around, but she thinks she's Pinky Lee." "I'm the only one who's left." "Then maybe is time you went out and tried to make new friends." "Ls not that easy to make new friends." "It sure wasn't for the first Eskimo family that moved to St Olaf." "Especially after they sawed a hole and went salmon-fishing in the middle of the local ice-skating rink." "And then there was the Halloween they gave all the kids whale blubber." "And then there was time they borrowed every ice tray in town to build an addition over their garage." "What was the point?" "I guess after the baby came, they needed more room." "The point of the story!" "Well, gradually, they were able to make friends, and they ended up the most popular family in town." "But only because they went out and met people." "Isn't that right?" "No." "It was because, in the drought of '49, their house melted and kept the town from dehydrating." "I have an idea." "Why don't you come and play golf with Raymond and me?" "I would love to, but I don't own any ugly plaid polyester." "Rose, you have something in a size six?" "Come on, Ma, I'll help you pick something out." "Must be Raymond." "I'll be right out." "I just have to get some hard candy and my doughnut pillow." " Hi, Dorothy." " Come right in." "Raymond, I'm afraid I have something to tell you." "Aw." "Oh, you shouldn't have." "I know." " Shouldn't have done that, either." " Yes, you should." "Do it again." "I have a Chiclet here somewhere if you're fighting over a piece of gum." "Hi, Sophia." "I didn't notice you there." "I noticed you and I noticed your hands all over my daughter." " Do you hear your daughter complaining?" " I apologise, Sophia." "Apology accepted." "Les go." "Uh, thas what I wanted to talk to you about." "Ma's been feeling a little down lately, so I invited her to play golf with us." "Oh, wonderful." " Glad to have you along, Sophia." " I know." "So, Sophia, tell me, have you played much?" "Have I played?" "Have I played?" "Have I played what?" " Have you written my campaign speech?" " Check." " Sent out the invitations?" " Check." "Made my appointment with the refreshment committee?" "Good!" "With all the work I put in on this, I might as well run for fashion show chairman myself." "Whas so funny?" "You?" "Rose, you can't be fashion show chairman." "Why, you thought Giorgio Armani was a puppet on Ed Sullivan." "You don't think I'm smart enough for the job?" "Well, no, I think you're smart enough." "You just have no taste." "OK, girls, which goes better - the silver chain or the pearls?" " The chain." " An amateur's mistake." "Can't you see that the chain accentuates the many folds of that turkey-like neck?" "Well, that may be, but the pearls draw attention to the nonexistent bosom." "Yes, but the chain leads the eye even lower, to that huge spare tire." "Jutting out over those square, manly hips." "Why don't I just wear a sign that says, "Too ugly to live"?" "Fine, but what are you gonna hang it from - the chain or the pearls?" "Neither!" "I'm gonna spray-paint it on my hump!" "You see, Blanche, you don't know any more than I do." "I've decided I'm gonna run for fashion show chairman." "You're just wasting your time." "Who on that committee is gonna vote for you?" " I'm gonna win." " I don't see how thas possible." "Everybody on the committee is female." "Who are you gonna sleep with?" "Are you insinuating that I cannot win it on merit alone?" "All women?" " Where are you going all dressed up?" " Out for an intimate dinner with Raymond." "Lll be the first time in weeks that we've been anywhere without Ma." "Is that why you sent her off to the drugstore?" "You're dumping your own mother?" "Faster than CBS dumped Jimmy the Greek." "I'm shocked at your behaviour." "Me too." "I would have done it on the first date." "No, I felt terrible about doing it, but Raymond and I need our privacy." "Why don't you just tell Sophia how you feel?" "Lll hurt her feelings, and right now, we're the only friends she has." " I think thas sweet." " I think is unnatural." "And I'm from the South." "I mean, what do you do when you and Raymond want to, you know, make love?" " Blanche!" " Well, is bound to come up." " How do you handle it?" " Yeah, Dorothy, how do you handle it?" "Handle it?" "I can't even get close to it." " Is it safe?" " Ma's at the drugstore." "Make it quick." " Hi." " Hi." "OK, les go." "I really feel so terrible about running out on Ma like that." "I don't." "Give it a rest, Raymond." "You're in her mouth more than her dentist." "How did you get back from the drugstore so soon?" "I faked a heart attack to get through the line faster." "Whas up?" "Well, we, uh..." "we were just going out to dinner." "Great!" "I'm starved." "Where are we going?" "To tell you the truth, we thought maybe just this once, we'd like..." "We thought we'd like to go out for French food." "How does that sound?" "They eat snails." "Why pay good money for something you can scrape off your shoes?" "Well, of course, if you'd rather not come, we understand." "Don't worry about that." "I'll find something on the menu." "I just enjoy being out with you guys." "Come on!" "Dorothy." "I'm getting tired of dating your mother." "I promise, this is the last time this will ever happen." " OK." " Coming, Ma." " Just one more thing." " What is it?" "When we are through with dinner and she begins to pick her teeth..." "I promise, I'll ask her to keep them in her mouth." " This is really lovely, Raymond." " I hoped you'd like it." "Reminds me of the place I met Charles de Gaulle." " We were lovers, you know." " Really?" " Ma, thas a lie." " Who asked you?" "Picture it" " Sicily, 1921." "A beautiful young peasant girl saves her lira and takes a trip to Paris, the city of lights." "Also, the only place a guy can wear a cape without getting a lot of funny looks." "She wanders into a restaurant and ends up sharing a table with a dashing young Frenchman." "They drink, they talk, they burn a cork and draw moustaches on each other." " What?" " Just wanted to see if you were listening." "Anyway, the next thing she knows, is hours later." "The place is empty... and the Frenchman's got his schnoz down her blouse." "This begins a beautiful love affair." "Kids, I was that peasant girl." "And the schnoz was Charles the Mole." " Charles the Mole?" " Yeah." "Charles the Mole." "He was the wheelman for Louis the Ice Pick." "Ma, you said Charles de Gaulle." "Yeah, right." "I slept with Charles de Gaulle." "I could have been the First Lady of France, but I married your father instead." "A man who cleaned his toenails with a shrimp fork." "Move it along, would you, Itzhak?" "We're trying to have a conversation here." " May I get you something from the bar?" " Yes, bring me a bottle of Scotch." "Raymond, we still have to get through dinner." "Thas right." "And a bottle of gin." " Dinner was just wonderful, Raymond." " And the rolls were the best I ever tasted." "You want one?" " No, thank you, Sophia." " How about some coffee?" "Sorry, I didn't steal any." "But I have plenty of matches." " I meant that we could make some." " Good idea." "I'll put some on." "Dorothy, I have to tell you, not being able to spend any time alone with you is driving me crazy." "Oh, I know." "Me too." "What do you say we go away, just the two of us, for a few days?" " I say yes." " How about we go to the Bahamas?" "All right!" "Fantastic!" "I gotta tell you, being with you guys these last few weeks is the most fun I've had in years." "You really made me forget my loneliness." "Thanks." "I can't believe it." "I'm going to the Bahamas." "Trust me." "There is no way Ma is going with us to the Bahamas." "I promise." "I promise I'll tell her." "I hope you will." "You've been so understanding about Ma." "I appreciate it." "Oh, is OK." " I respect your being so considerate of her." " Thank you." "Have you ever considered having her put away?" "Every day of my life." " What are you still doing up?" " Just thinking." "About what?" "About how I'm gonna tell Ma that she's not invited to the Bahamas." "What are you doing up?" "Dorothy, can I confide something in you I've never told another living soul?" "Of course." " You promise not to tell anybody?" " I promise." "Are you willing to spit in each other's hand and rub on it?" "Who are we" " Wally and the Beaver?" "What is it you wanna tell me, Rose?" "I'm not absolutely sure I'm the most qualified Tinkerbell to win the election." "Of course you are." "Why, you're the best damn Tinkerbell I know." " I just had the most disturbing dream." " Oh?" "What was it?" "Well, I was stranded on a desert island with Tom Selleck, Ted Danson and Steve Guttenberg." "Three men and no baby." "They kept passing me around and kissing me and powdering my behind." "Well, so what was so disturbing?" "Well, I woke up, and I'd only gotten to sleep with Steve Guttenberg." "And I'm not even sure who he is." "Well, what are y'all doing up?" " I just couldn't sleep." " Me neither." "I'm worried about Ma." "Oh, I guess she didn't take the news too well about not going to the Bahamas." "Dorothy still hasn't told her." "Why, honey, is been days." "What are you waiting for?" "She's so thrilled about going." "How can I tell her she's not invited?" "I'm not going on the trip." " Dorothy, I think you're making a mistake." " Me too." "Besides, spending all your time with Sophia isn't really helping her." " She needs to meet her own friends." " I'm not going." "She needs me." "Please give this thing you're doing some thought." "Raymond is such a great guy, and he's been more than reasonable." "And he's the only man who hasn't dumped you after the first date in months." "Years." "Look, I agree with everything you're trying to say." "But it is not that simple." "She is my mother." "And right now she needs my attention." "Why don't you just tell her how you feel?" "She'll understand." " You honestly think so?" " Sonja Klingenhoffer did." "She certainly did." "Thank you for pointing that out, Rose." "Good night." " You know Sonja Klingenhoffer?" " Know her?" "She's from St Olaf, isn't she?" "Lovely woman." "See you." "Wait a minute." " Sonja's not a woman." " I know." "She's a cow." "A pig." "A duck?" "A horse?" "A pencil sharpener?" "Blanche, jump in." "I'm drowning." "Sonja Klingenhoffer is a comic strip." "And a darn good one, too." "Well, good night." "Both of you come back here." "Or I'll be forced to follow you to your room and act it out with sock puppets." "OK, you were saying?" "In the first panel, it says "Sonja Klingenhoffer" in big letters, and the "o" has pigtails." "Whas in the second panel?" "Sonja's walking down this country road, and a group of children is laughing at her, and in the bubble coming out of her mouth, it says, "ls not funny."" ""You try getting white bread and mayonnaise out of your braces."" " And then in the third panel..." " Rose." "How many panels are there?" "16." "And then in the next panel..." " Could you just tell us the gist of the story?" " Oh, fine, but then you'd miss the joke between the two crows on the telephone wire." "The gist of the story, Rose." "Well, in the last panel, Sonja tells her mother, and her mother understands." "If my foot wasn't asleep, I wouldn't ask this." "What exactly was it Sonja told her mama?" "The joke between the two crows!" "I knew you'd beg to hear it." " Thas it." "Get out!" " But..." "Get out!" " Ow!" "My nose!" " Sophia!" "Sophia, are you all right, honey?" "Wonderful, wonderful." "I always wanted to have a nose like Joe Frazier." " How long were you listening at the door?" " I wasn't listening at the door." "Then why was your face pressed against the crack?" " Thas what the crow said!" " Get out!" " Ma, is me." " Come in." "I wanna talk to you about the trip." "Yeah, I wanna talk to you about the same thing." "I'm not going." "What?" "You were right when you said I should make new friends." "So I took your advice." "I met some nice people at the centre, and this weekend we're all going to Cancún." "You and whas-his-name will have to go to the Bahamas without me." "You just met these people and you're all going to Cancún?" "Yeah." "One of them has a condo down there." "You were listening at the door last night, weren't you?" "No, no." "I swear on your father's grave." "Or what used to be your father's grave." "Now is a Wienerschnitzel." "But he always liked a pup, so I never made a fuss." "I know what you're doing, and is not working." " What?" " You made up something to do because you're afraid you're intruding on Raymond and me." "You don't have to worry about that." "Honey, you are more important." "And thas why I'm spending the entire weekend here with you." "Jeez, you're a yutz." "Try not to get all choked up." "Look, Dorothy, I appreciate what you did for me, but, uh, I got my own plans now." "OK, Ma." "Whatever you say." "Isn't there anything I can say thall make you change your mind and come with me?" "I'm afraid not." " Look at the brochure again." " Oh, honestly." "Raymond, if I went to the Bahamas with you," "I would spend the entire time worrying about my mother." "And frolicking gaily on sandy-white beaches." "Dancing cheek to cheek under starry skies." "And sharing romantic interludes to the sound of the pounding waves." "Oh, God, I hate that wretched old woman!" "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "Raymond, I just can't." "My mother needs me here." "Dorothy, you are one hell of a daughter, but you're also a lousy girlfriend." "Sorry." "I think the best thing for you and me to do is not to see each other for a while." "At least until your mother doesn't seem to need as much of your time." "Maybe you're right." " I'll call you in a few weeks." " OK." "Raymond." " Hi, Dorothy." " Hey." "How did the election go?" " Don't ask." " It was a disaster." " We both lost by a landslide." " You're kidding!" "Who won?" "Fifi Bolger." "Can you believe that?" "I think is just because her husbanïs a plastic surgeon." "What does that have to do with it?" "She promised everyone a discount on liposuction - two cheeks for the price of one." "Thas what swung it for Nixon in '68." "Hi, Sophia." "I thought you'd be on your way to Cancún by now." "Someone was supposed to pick me up an hour ago." "Whas taking them so long?" "Ma, when are you going to stop?" "You're not going anywhere, so why don't you just put down your suitcase and you and I will go off and see a movie?" "You go to a movie." "In a few hours, I'll be basking on a beautiful white beach, trying to keep the sand out of my wrinkles." "I'll get it." " Hello, there." " Hi." "Is Sophia home?" " Oh!" "Hi, Duncan." " Hi, Sophia." "The gang's waiting in the car." "I'll take your suitcase." "Ma, you're really going, aren't you?" "I tried to tell ya." "I thought you were lonely." "I thought you needed me." "I did, and you were there, just like always." "I love you, pussycat." "But, hey, I got my own life to live." "Adios!"