"'If I get promoted to loan supervisor, that's an extra 160 a month." "'Four months, weekend in Zurich." "'Lf I get it." "I should've ironed my..." "Why didn't I iron my fucking tie?" "'" " Mark, I thought you'd be out by now." " Nope, not out yet." "Haven't been in yet." " 'Lovely soft face. '" " It's just Barbara and Lucy." "Relax." "You're right." "Totally right." "I'll laugh." "Have a nice laugh." "Will Jeff's charity squash stuff count for much?" "Mark, it'll be fine." "I'm sure you'll get it." "'Ohh... '" "Sophie, have you ever been to Zurich?" " What?" " 'Too much." "Too much!" "'" "Very clean, apparently." "Ruthlessly clean." "Talking of which, badminton." "Still on for Wednesday?" " Yep." " I was thinking, afterwards..." "Hi, Sophie." "Hey, fuckface, you're on." "'Forget it, mate, you're dead in the water." "I'm gonna be relaxing all over you. '" "Welcome to my world." "Man, I am so glad you got me in here." "Nice." "Wicked." "So let's go down to the studio and start riffing on some shit." "Totally, yeah." "Although obviously one of us must be on reception at any one time." " That's important." " OK, I get it." "The code, right?" "We bide our time and pick our moment to really shake shit up and get noticed." "Yeah." "Although the best way to get noticed is to pick up a four-pinter on the way in, ask Ron if he wants a latte..." "Jesus, what happened?" "You've got a Blair Witch ear!" "Oh." "Yeah, that's Toni's." "You know, next-door Toni?" "Oh, the one you wrote, er " " Toni's Theme for?" "She's like some kind of drug." "Kind of like ketamine but..." "with nicer hair." "So, you're all set, ain't you?" "You are a music studio reception runner now." " Gets the women hot." " Yeah?" "Oh, yeah." "It's a savage garden, my friend." "A savage garden." "'Shall I ask what he means?" "'" "'The interview went really well." "'Glad I didn't mention the phones." "Keep the big idea on ice for now." "'Maybe should've mentioned the blind kids." "'Although it could've sounded like I just did it for my CV.'" " Mark?" " Hey, Sophie." "Barbara said to tell you there's news." " What..." "They didn't give it to Jeff?" " No, they didn't." "Yes!" "No." "Mark, let me..." "Sit down." "Erm, they didn't give it to Jeff but they didn't give it to you either." "Is this...?" "Is this a funny joke?" "No." "Mark, listen, this is weird, really weird." "But Barbara asked me to temporarily take over the supervisor role." "Well, good." "That's good." "Great." " Well, I'll get on with these." " Oh, let me..." "It doesn't matter!" "It doesn't matter." "So what - congratulations - what happened?" "Barbara thought no one came up to the required standard" " and decided as an interim..." " Sure, sure, but what's the real deal?" " Does there need to be a...?" " No!" "I mean, you know how... how I think of you, but you've got to say I'm the better loan manager, right?" " Well..." " You've got to say that." "You're very good at your job, Mark." " Thanks, boss." " That's all right." " Can you finish the Hertfordshire file?" " Yeah." " By tonight?" " You're serious?" " It's not a big..." " No, totally, that's fine, fine." "Yeah, I'll do that." "Fine." "'Just dance a death clog dance over my hopes and dreams 'and leave a girl turd in my happy place." "'Shit, I should have milked those blindies dry!" "'" "Yeah, so this is really very similar to a much larger version of the old graphics equaliser that you have on your hi-fi in that it takes the graphics, which is another word for music and equalises them..." "'I've lost her." "She's gone." "I'm actually quite boring when I put my mind to it. '" " And the Chemical Brothers are in?" " Yeah, yeah." "They're great." "Really great group." "Lovely guys." "'Come on, this is it. '" "So, just sitting here you can almost feel your mojo expanding." " Have you seen my book?" " No, I..." " Oh, hi." " Hi." "Is that Burroughs And The Drug Culture?" "I love that book." "Me too." "I've been reading it for a year." "I'm on the bit where Kerouac finishes his Benzedrine high looks at his novel and realises he wasn't holding a pen." "Course, Ginsberg's in the corner, ain't he, laughing." " But crying at the same time." " Yeah." "'Oh, great, they've clicked." "Brilliant, I hear clicking. ' ...it shits on Birdsong." " So, Jez, could you have a look at that thing for me on reception?" "The thing?" "Oh, that." "I fixed that." "Did you?" "Well, it's, er, gone again." "No, I fixed it." "Twice." "I was just down there." "It's definitely not working." "'Fuck off. '" " What isn't?" " The thing you fixed." "I'm just showing Toni around..." "Jeremy, I'm fine." "Your thing sounds... important." " Maybe..." " Hans." "Super Hans." "Super Hans could show me the other equipment?" "'It's cool, there's a bond of trust." "'He won't break the bond of trust. '" " Ow!" " Sorry." "'Yeah, sorry." "You'll be sorry, bitch!" "'What a horrible..." "I couldn't hate her." "'Why didn't I tell them the phones thing?" "The phones thing rocks!" "'Sophie, climbing over my dead body to..." "'It's not her fault." "She doesn't even realise, she's just a stooge." "'A beautiful, stupid, ugly, shitting, filthy, grasping stooge!" "'" " Whoops!" " Ha." "'Come on, Mark, don't let this ruin things." "'Besides, once you're going steady 'you can put her handbag in the fridge and tell her she's going mad. '" "What's funny?" "Nothing, sorry." "Good shot." "'It's just a game." "A grown-up game." "Mousetrap." "Downfall." "'Hunt The Yorkshire Ripper." "It's not her fault." "Didn't mention the phones!" "'" "Phew!" "15-9." "Well played." "Shall we call it a day?" " What?" " Sorry, I've been invited to dinner." " Aren't we going for dinner?" " You never said." " I thought we said." " I don't think we said." " The whole team's going and..." " The whole team." "The team." " Sorry, it's really rude, but I thought..." " Fine." "'It's all fine." "Everything is clear." "'I love her." "She is going to kill me. '" "It's all totally fine." "'She's my guest, I invited her." "Why am I making Ron lattes all day?" "'" "Jez!" "Just, er, showing Toni the drum loop from Bomb Dog." "'She'll get bored of him, just like she got bored of me. '" "OK, see you." "You sure you can get home from here?" "Uh-huh." "'You can never go home again." "Winter's coming." "'Is this Stalingrad?" "Is this where it all ends?" "'Or is this... where it all starts?" "!" "'This is a good idea." "This is a great idea!" "'It's exactly what they're looking for and not expecting!" "Just do it!" "'" " Alan, Mike, Barbara, mind if I butt in?" " Mark." "I'm not going to tuck in, courtesy of the expense account," "I just wanted to share with you my vision..." " Mark!" " Can this wait?" "Can JLB's future wait till tomorrow?" "I don't think so." "And you'll agree when you hear the idea" "I was just too darn scared to spill at interview." " I know you wanted..." " Reroute the phones." "'This was definitely a good idea. '" "Simple as that, reroute the phones to everyone's mobiles." "24-hour, face-to-face, round-the-clock customer-freaking-service." "It's like, hey, I'm clocking off, finger to the customer!" "Not any more!" "Probably best if you go home now, old son." "I've worked with blind kids!" "I'm the full package!" "I'll have my action plan on your desk first thing in the morning." "'This was definitely a good idea." "'There's no chance this wasn't a good idea. '" "Call yourself a mate, mate?" " What?" " Oh, yeah, right, "What?"" "I saw you leave her flat today." "She wanted bongo lessons, she has a passion for percussion." "She hasn't got a bongo." "You weren't carrying a..." "There was no bongo." " You don't need a drum to..." " Look, I'm next door," "I heard your... noise, last night." "Oh, that." "That was press-ups." "Well, you certainly seemed to enjoy the last few a lot." "Mate, sometimes you've got to push for the burn." "'Uh-oh, it's the human time bomb. '" " Hey, Jeremy." " Hey, man." "Good to see you." "We're just hangin' out with the band." "Long day at the studio." "So, how are you doing?" " Good." "I'm feeling pretty good." " Great." "The way I see it now, if Barbara thinks Sophie's right for the job then Sophie's right for the job." "'Barbara, thought we should follow-up re:" "The phones thing." "'Oh, you're not here." "Well, I'll leave my idea in your desk, 'give you time to think about it." "My new idea is urine." "Loads of urine." "'What do you think about that?" "Don't you think that will be just the ticket?" "'You're getting some too. '" "JLB Credit, fuck off, please." "'What?" "From Sophie?" "'Application letter to...?" "She did it." "She stiffed me." "'Well, Sophie's drawer's getting a dousing too." "'Or I could park a turd on her desk." "'Bit freaky." "Pissing's OK." "Pissing's just horseplay." "'Oh, my God!" "Oh, no!" "I didn't do it!" "It was a joke - she did it to me last week." "'Shit!" "'" " Mark?" " Sophie, I didn't realise you were here." "Yeah, working late." "What are you doing?" "Oh, just likewise." "Er, working late." " Left a file here somewhere." " Right." "Mark, I'm glad I bumped into you actually." "About the other night at the restaurant, I just wanted you to know..." " 'Don't notice the piss. '" " Yeah, Mark?" "Yeah, totally." "Oh, I knew she had these somewhere." " Let me get those for you." " Oh." "Thanks, Mark." "Erm, listen, do you want to...?" "Better not, thanks." "Got a lot to do." "Thanks." "'Yeah, I've got to take the letter-shaped knife out of my back." "Judas!" "'OK, they're a bit crinkled." "So what?" ""'Hello, police, someone broke into my office" ""'and crinkled my papers. " I think not. '" " Hello, Mark?" " Sophie?" "I'm coming in if you're decent." "I'm going for a coffee." " What happened?" " It's not piss." "So, I offer a mixture of therapy with other disciplines such as careers guidance." "But mainly you're a careers guidance counsellor?" "I want to make it clear, I'm here for careers guidance, not therapy." "Not therapy." "OK." " What are you saying?" " I'm just interested in why..." "I don't want to talk about any difficult feelings I may be experiencing, my mother, my father or my so-called childhood." "Fine, fine." "Well, I like to kick things off with a bit of word association." "It's..." " Therapy?" " Not really, no." "I'll say a word and you tell me the very first thing that pops into your mind." "'He's trying to therapise me. '" " Let's start with an obvious one - work." " 'Snake pit. '" "Snake charmer." "Just say the first thing that comes to mind." "Money." " 'Everything. '" " Not everything." " Children." " 'Blind. '" " Er, short." " Father." " 'Fuehrer. '" " Football." " Mother." " 'Sophie. '" "Fuck!" "No, not fuck." "Mark, I really get the feeling you're resisting something." "Can I change those?" "What score did I get?" "It wasn't good, was it?" " You don't get a score." " Right, sure you don't." "Maybe we should try something else." "Have you done a Rorschach test?" "What do you see?" "'A hairy twat." "A hungry, devouring twat. '" "A kitten?" "After that hook we need to hit something, yeah?" "'They don't know about my massive musical brain." "'To them, I'm just a mild-mannered janitor. '" " The chorus is working." " 'The chorus is like the Frog Chorus!" "' Someone needs to tell them." "'I'm an outsider but I'm on the inside." "'This is my moment." "Go on, do it, cross the drawbridge." "'Make the splash. '" "Maybe you should just mess things up a bit." "Sorry?" "I mean, don't you think it'd be better if the sound was more kaz-zow?" "!" "Yeah." "OK." "Not so much A to B to C, but more sort of A to D and then back to A and then to X!" "You know, just better." "Like your first CD." "I mean, obviously I don't want to butt in." "I mean..." "It's your song." "Cos like I say, at the moment it is very duh-duh-duh-duh." "Oh, God, we're doing the fucking song." "When's it gonna finish?" "Fuckin' hell." "Where as I'm thinkin' it should be more..." "Whereas, like I say, at the moment it is more kind of..." "Which it doesn't have to be." "Yeah." "No." "Yeah, that's great." "Thanks, mate." "No problem, mate." "'This was definitely a good idea." "There's no chance this wasn't a good idea. '" "Yeah, anyone could see that." "No, I'll tell him." "All right, Mr T. Cheers then." "Sorry, mate, you're out." " Fired?" "But..." " Ron's tough." "I did everything I could." " What?" "You didn't do shit." " Earlier." "Had it out with him earlier - I threatened to walk, he wouldn't have it." "So are you gonna walk now?" "Steady on, mate, I'm not Spartacus." "That's pretty bloody obvious." "Well, I refuse." "I'm not going." "So what are you gonna do about that?" "I'm still here, Super Hans." "Still standing here." "You lose." " Ron?" "He won't go." " I see through you." "Trying to get me out so you can muscle in on my woman." "No, all right." "OK." "I'll put him on." "...lay down and..." "OK." "No, that won't be necessary because I'll be leaving the premises immediately." "Thank you, Ron." "'That's your entire life. '" "You see, he's not Lennon, but she is Yoko." "I'm Lennon but Yoko has gone off with Paul." "I mean, imagine that." "That's the scenario we're talking." " Don't they mind you not going in?" " They think I'm ill." "I'm screwing the system and there's not a thing they can do." "Sophie's gonna pay." "She'll pay all right." "Yeah, I mean, what's wrong with revenge and plagues and pestilence and all that?" " Exactly!" " Suddenly you can't wreak revenge?" "It's political correctness gone mad." "Jeremy, have you seen Strangers On A Train?" "Yeah, sure." "No one suspects the chef." "It's about these two guys who take care of each other's enemies." "OK, right." "And what happens in the end?" "I can't remember." "But I'm pretty sure it all turns out all right." "'Happy painting, God bless. '" " This is the ultimate." " Yes, sirree." "It's payback time." " And she's paying back in fear dollars." " So what are you gonna say?" "I'm gonna cut her up and leave her in buckets." "No, you..." "Don't say that!" "Jesus, that's horrible." "Just say... something like..." "Ask is Mrs Hugh Jass there." "No, no, she's got a thing about her bum." "How about Mike Hunt?" "No, no." "What shall I say then?" "Oh, hello?" "Er, it's, erm..." "I'm watching you." "Not in a horrible way, just I can see you." "Yes, I can." "You're eating spaghetti." "Linguine." "Whatever." "Well, I'm outside." "I'm behind a bush." "No, I'm not gonna tell you." "Look, I'm in charge here, I'm the one..." "There's no need to go over the top, I'm just shitting you up a bit." " Jeremy, she's got an air gun!" " Sophie, I...!" " She's going to..." " Oh, God!" "Jesus!" " Bollocks, that kills!" " She's coming, we've got to..." "'Why not come clean?" "You can say..." "You could say..." "'No, there is no possible way of making this look...!" "'Oh, fuck!" "'" "Lucky you had those boots." "Yeah, I suppose everything turned out all right." "Yeah, she got the message." "'I've made a psycho call to the woman I love," "'I've kicked a dog to death, and now I'm going to pepper-spray an acquaintance." "'I mean, what's happened to me?" "'" " You still up for this?" " Yeah, it's fine." "I'm on it." " Great." "The plan again?" " I give Super Hans the pizza, pepper-spray him, kick him in the nuts and grab his wallet" " so it looks like a robbery." " That's the spirit." "Go for it, buddy." "'What am I doing?" "I can't do this!" "'There's no way I can do this!" "'" "Do I look like I eat pizza?" "There's no pizza." "It's me, Mark." "I'm here to pepper-spray Super Hans and kick him in the nuts but I can't." "I can't, all right?" "It's all gone over the edge of reason." " Mark?" " It would really help if you could scream." " Screaming?" " Yeah, and tell Jeremy..." "Why haven't you pepper-sprayed him?" "Jez?" "Is this for real?" "Er, I am not Jeremy, I am..." "Oh, lookee lookee at this!" "What a very big surprise!" "Another late-night bongo lesson?" "Jeremy, we're two single people having a great time." "If you can't handle that, go back to the '50s." "Yeah." "Yeah, maybe you should make a move, mate." "OK, mate, I'll make a move." "How about this for a move?" "Oh!" "Oh, fuck me!" "That's enough!" "Jez, there's no need to..." "Fuck!" "Oh, you sprayed me!" "You fucking sprayed me!" "It's for your own good." "OK, enough careers guidance..." "I need therapy." "How could it have been for my own good?" "I don't want to talk about it any more." "You didn't kick him in the nuts - that's something." "You can build on that." "The spray's gone." "Where is it?" "Just tell me where it is." "Look, Mr Klugman has a little mantra that I'm finding very helpful." "Heal and grow." "Not to be patronising but perhaps you want to have a good think about that." " Sophie?" " 'Heal and grow." "Heal and grow. '" "Good to see you." "Come in." " Mark, are you OK?" " I've been feeling a little low lately but..." " What happened with...?" " Oh, that." "That's nothing." "Jeremy just hit me, with the ladle." "Jesus, Jeremy!" "You can't just hit people with ladles!" "He shouldn't have pepper-sprayed me." "What?" "What's going on, Mark?" "You've been away for..." "Sophie, Sophie, relax." "I'm fine." "Life is fine." "'Cool, wet grass." "Cool, wet grass. '" "I'm having therapy." "I'm going to the solarium." "I have spoken with the Citizens Advice Bureau." "There's nothing inside killing me." "Yeah?" "Good." "Because I..." "I wanted to apologise about the work thing." " I know how much you wanted it." " 'Lying bitch!" "Not bitch. '" "It's fine, fine, fine." "I've let go of all that stuff." " Yeah?" " Totally." "Oh, that's great, really." "And you're well out of it, it's all politics." "The joke is, I don't really want the job but Barbara made me write an application letter." "Ahh." "Right." "'Jesus, so she didn't..." "I'm such a cockmuncher." "No, not cockmuncher. '" "So I just wanted to say I enjoyed badminton and I hope when you're back on my team we can get back to normal." " Your team." " 'Heal and grow!" "Heal and grow!" "'" "Well, I guess it's very nice for the big lady to come down here and talk to the little man." "I'm just surprised you can see me from up there in your ivory tower." "If you're gonna be like that then fuck off." "Sophie!" "Sophie, don't go!" "Sophie, I..." "Hey, Mark, I found it." "It's for your own good."