"♪ I have Climbed ♪ ♪ Highest Mountains ♪" "♪ I have run ♪ ♪ Through the Fields ♪" "♪ Only to be with you ♪" "♪ Only to be with you ♪" "♪ I have run ♪ ♪ I have crawled ♪" "♪ I have scaled these city walls ♪ ♪ These city walls ♪" "♪ Only to be with you ♪" "♪ And I still haven't found ♪ ♪ what I'm looking for ♪" "♪ But I still haven't found ♪ ♪ what I'm looking for ♪" "[MACHINE BEEPS] pick up." "come on." "I need to bounce some ideas off you." "Ike." "When are you guys gonna stop waking me up every morning?" "funny." "[MAN WHISTLES] come on." "Are you really not there?" "cool." "I'll talk to you later." "I'm thinking of doing an article about limousines." "What do you think about people..." "I don't know people like that." "I just need someone to bounce some ideas off of and get the juices flowing." "52 seconds." "When are you gonna put me in a column?" " When your T-shirts stop shrinking." " WOMAN:" "Shrinks?" "forget it." "give me $5." "Give me $2." " WOMAN:" "No way." "I got nice shirts here." "Look!" "I love everybody." "You're next." "[{\cH808080}♪ ALLURE'S "YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE FOR ME" PLAYING ]" "I promise you that love won't be easy" "I promise you there'll be times apart" "When we're apart" "But I swear that it comes from my heart what's in store for us in tomorrow's column?" "[SIGHS]" "I don't know yet." "I'm kind of a last-minute man." "I don't get any ideas." "WOMAN:" "So you get your ideas for your column from life." "attack her dart playing... and try to get a rise out of her while you contemplate..." "I can't hit on you until I get an idea." "Oh." "you don't understand." "my not responding to you baiting me... will inspire one of those bitter diatribes you like to write about women." "IKE:" "I don't write bitter diatribes about women." "ho." " Very often." "huh?" "one-minute man." " It's last-minute man." " Whatever." "Wanna hear something funny?" "For a good-looking guy... you strike out a lot." "Have you noticed that?" "[PHONE RINGING]" " KEVIN:" "I bet it's your ex-wife." " GEORGE:" "Excuse me." "I've seen much worse." "Ike's not here." "I've seen much worse." " KEVIN:" "I'll tell him when he comes in." " Excuse me?" "The brush-off." "I've witnessed far more... treacherous and nefarious exits than that." "At least she castigated you in private." "got some napkins there?" " Wiping or writing?" " I'll let you know." "They love you." "They hate you." "They're hot." "They're cold." " They're high." "They're low." " They're up." "They're down." "but I do have a column to write." " Ike." " But you have yet to find a really superb idea." "There's a girl from my hometown that you could write about." "but we don't need any ideas." "GEORGE:" "She likes to dump grooms right at the altar." "They call her the "Runaway Bride." "She's performed the travesty seven or eight times." "adios." "knocking old ladies out of her way... like the running of the bulls in Pamplona." "And guess what!" "She's got the next victim all lined up." "She's turning another body on the spit." "here we go." "Today is a day of profound introspection." "I have been accused of using this column to direct bitter diatribes at the opposite sex." "This uncomfortable accusation... has plunged me into at least 15 minutes of serious reflection... from which I have emerged with the conclusion..." "I traffic in female stereotypes." "[SIGHS]" "But how can one blame me when every time I step out my front door..." "I meet fresh proof that the female archetypes are alive and well?" "the crone." "stealing your cabs... and overwhelming you with perfume in elevators." "But perhaps in fairness to the fairer sex..." "I do need to broaden my horizon and add some new goddesses to the pantheon." "the coed and the man-eater... the last of which concerns me most today." "this fearsome female was known as Erinys... the devouring death goddess." "who likes to devour her boyfriend Shiva's entrails... dot." "Never mind." "the bloody-jawed man-eater is called Ragma." "You notice these are all countries without cable." "Maryland... where she helps run the family hardware store... a.k.a. the Runaway Bride." "What is unusual about Miss Carpenter... is that she likes to dress her men up as grooms before she devours them." "One antique hot-water handle with the "hot" still on it." "Guaranteed to fit any American Standard cast-iron tub... with a four-inch center mount made between 1924 and 1938." "I think you are out of the doghouse with Mrs. Paxton." " Hallelujah!" " See you later." "I'll put it on your charge." "there's a possibility she hasn't seen this yet." "maybe she just hasn't picked up a paper." "Know what I mean?" " Or not." " EARL:" "Maggie?" "you don't need an air conditioner." "You need an attic fan." "huh?" "Hey." "What?" "huh?" "I've seen it." "And it is the rudest... most offensive... joke anyone has ever played on me!" "how long did this take you?" "Where did you get it done?" "by the way." "I should disinvite you." "so we didn't...." "Holy moly." " Bag." "Bag." " PRESSMAN:" "She's going." "She's gonna go." "PEGGY:" "Here's the bag." "Breathe!" "[GRUNTING]" "[BARKS]" "Maryland... is still buzzing about the less-than-flattering article... about their native daughter Maggie Carpenter." "Her bridal exploits were taken to task by New York columnist Ike Graham in USA Today." "Mr. Graham called her... greetings from the sticks." "Perhaps you believe that a rural education is focused mainly... on hog calling and tractor maintenance rather than reading." "Why else would you print a piece of fiction about me and call it fact?" "I suppose Mr. Graham was too busy thinking up slanderous statements... about how I dump men for kicks to bother with something silly like accuracy in reporting." "because with a man-eater like me on the loose... who has time to check facts?" "I'm going to the bank." "Ike." "All right." " Hey." " Hey." "don't mention my name." "MAGGIE:" "That's why I was surprised to find Mr. Graham's editor was a woman." "but I hoped we man-eaters could stick together." "just dropping you big-city folk this little note... to say that I have thought of a ritual sacrifice that would satisfy my current appetite:" "Ike Graham's column on a platter." "Maggie Carpenter." " Heh." "P.S. I have enclosed a list of the gross factual misrepresentations in your article." "There are 15." "IKE:" "Funny." "I like her." "look." "She sent us this list." "Our lawyers say it's actionable." "[SIGHS]" "I left you four messages." "You don't return my calls." "even when we were married." "What's Fisher doing here?" "Ellie asked me to come down to offer moral support." "IKE:" "Since when does Ellie need moral support?" "Ike." "What?" "What?" "Journalism lesson number one:" "you get fired." "Lesson number two:" "Never work for your former spouse." "and you know it!" "I did not cook anything up." "I had a source." "Someone reliable?" "Some boozehound in a bar?" "In vino veritas." "hey." "Don't knock drunk guys in bars." "It means they're not driving." "I am a columnist." "This is what columnists are supposed to do." "It's what you like." "we go out on a limb." "That's what makes me good." "that's what makes you unemployed." "[IKE SIGHS]" "All right." "Let's consider that my wrist has been slapped." "just..." "Slap my wrist." "That's done." "and move on." "Ike." "I'll get you severance pay." "Ike." "[TRAIN HORN BLARING]" " MAGGIE:" "Bob?" "Honey?" " BOB:" "In the kitchen!" "she canned him!" "Honey?" "she canned him!" "it's in the paper." " Try this on first." " Okay." "so come over this way." " Okay." "Ready? "Dear Maggie Carpenter:" "I apologize to you for this unfortunate matter." "Here it is. "Ike Graham's column will no longer be appearing in this paper." "Best of luck in your upcoming marriage." "this is the weight of the pack you'll carry in the Himalayas." " You let me know if it's too heavy." " Okay." "Whoa." "Aah!" "ha." "[MAGGIE LAUGHING]" "[BOB GROWLS  MAGGIE SHRIEKS]" "[MAGGIE LAUGHING]" "[PHONE RINGS] it's me." "Leave a message after the beep." "buy me a fax machine." "[BEEPS]" "Fisher." "Get up." "I can turn this Runaway Bride story around." "I'm doing a photo spread for GQ today by the conveyor belt." "Meet me." "I'll save your tush." "I have an idea." "What are you saying?" "Vindication." "How would you like some?" "your theory was correct." " The real story on Miss Carpenter." " All the gory details." "mm-hm." "you got a cover story." "Here you go." "Right upstairs to the left." "Thanks." "How late's the restaurant open?" "huh?" "[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]" "can you eighty-six Sprout?" "He's licking up all the petroleum distillates I'm trying to put in." "sorry." "She's an obedience-school dropout." "Uh-huh." "Have a seat." "[QUARTET SINGING IN HARMONY]" "[CROWD APPLAUDING]" "SINGER:" "Thank you." "See you ladies and gentlemen in the hotel on the weekend." "You're a goddess." "You're a goddess!" "I think I'm in Mayberry." "just put in new hydraulic fluid." "PEGGY:" "Stop." "When you talk like that... you turn a girl's head." "ho ho!" "Excuse me." "Hello?" "Excuse me." "Could you help...?" "I'm looking for Maggie Carpenter." "There was a note on the door of the hardware store across the street." " Are you a reporter?" " Heh." "What?" "It's just been our experience that anyone who comes in here with tassels on his loafers... is a big-city reporter wanting to do an interview with Maggie." "Mm-hm." "About her upcoming wedding and all." "about her getting that asshole from New York fired." "I am just such a reporter." "And who are you?" " Peggy Flemming." "Not the ice skater." "Ah." "thank you." "And who are these lovely ladies?" "Maggie's unmarried cousin." " IKE:" "Hello." "sorry." " IKE:" "Uh-huh." " PEGGY:" "And you are?" "Looking for Maggie." "someone to see you." "Oh." "because it's all pretty much been covered." "Hold on." "No one interviews Maggie in here without a haircut." "no." "Just got one." "I have a fact for you." "Mrs. Pressman?" "This is actually her fourth wedding... but tell me something." "Do you think she's gonna make it all the way this time?" "PRESSMAN:" "I don't know." "[PEGGY GASPS] heh." "She does that." "[IKE CLEARS THROAT] he runs the newsstand." "He's also our local bookie." "yes." " PRESSMAN:" "He's given 8-to-1 odds she won't." "Okay." "how about a wash?" "Get all that city grit out of your hair." " Hmm." "You'll answer my questions?" " MAGGIE:" "Mm-hm." "I'll ask." "what do you wanna know?" "when is the big day?" "up here like this... because this aromatherapy can get a little strong." "we don't want to put you to sleep." " IKE:" "Hmm." "You nervous?" " Never been more certain of anything in my life." "Except I've been having all kinds of weird dreams." "IKE:" "Oh?" "Would you like to tell me about them?" "sure." "I'll be right with you." "MAGGIE:" "I go inside the church and everyone I know is there." "And the creepiest part is I look down at my dress..." " IKE:" "Hmm." " And it's red." "I don't know what that means." "Red is not my color." "What do you think?" "no." "She means about your hair." "[PEGGY CHUCKLES]" "please." "Thank you." "sir." "Do you know where I can get some shampoo?" "Some strong shampoo?" "Doc's Pharmacy." "Third and Elm." "Tell them Pete sent you." "You want my hat?" "I'm fine." "You might need it." "it's that way." "IKE:" "Thank you." "you might as well go back." "You can't make me feel bad." "I'm not trying to make you feel bad." "I'm here for vindication." "I feel I'm right about you." "Hmm." "lady." "and you screwed up my hair." "spit them out and love it." "You're gonna do the same thing to this poor shmuck number four... that you did to the previous three." "You're gonna run again." "And I'm not leaving until you do." "heh." "wait a minute." " Give you 10 bucks for the hat." " BOY:" "Sure." "That's right." "[SIGHS]" "that is a photo opportunity." "I know I've had too much to drink." "[CHUCKLES] you'll never guess... who came crawling into town with his tail between his legs." "IKE:" "Who?" "Maggie." "I just came over to apologize to your family." "I'm wrong." "I pushed a story." "I made a mistake." "he's only human." "And he brought us a bottle of wine." " They made me put my hat back on." " It scared the hell out of Skipper." "[BARKS] ha." " You've gotta be kidding me." "ha." "[YELPS THEN BARKS]" "[CHUCKLES]" "It wasn't that funny." "MAGGIE:" "Mm-hm." "it's been quite amusing." "Walter here has been sharing his father-of-the-bride wedding memories." "Know what?" "I think I'll take this to the kitchen." "I'll help you bring it in to the kitchen." "Bob." " BOB:" "Okay." " [WHISPERS] Is he staying for dinner?" " BOB:" "I don't know." "do you?" "Wedding cake freezes." "This we know." "Heh." "I'm sorry." "Grandma." "That's fine." "That's fine." " She's such a lovely girl." " Yeah." "like her mother." "Look." "May she rest in peace." "We were all so proud of Maggie when she was in school." "She won that American Legion scholarship to college." "She studied industrial design." "IKE:" "I can't see her leaving multiple grooms in the dust like that." "you can." "She's got it all on tape." "they're all right there." " You got tapes of the wedding?" " Lee at the hotel videos weddings." "Oh." "Maggie didn't know she was gonna be running the 100-yard dash." "she makes real good time." "IKE:" "Bingo." "ha." "ha." "not for a lack of trying." "Dad." "Don't leave anything out." "WALTER:" "I frankly consider it a bonus..." "[DOG BARKS] pay for so many weddings." "Not this one." "This one's on me." "that's fair." "despite what you may think." "just keep your eye on the ball." "MAGGIE:" "Mm-hm." "Sports psychology." "head of the P.E. Department at the high school." "And he coaches the football team." "And he's climbed Everest." " Everest?" " MAGGIE:" "Twice." " This true?" " Without oxygen." "she likes to brag about me." " MAGGIE:" "I do." "BOB:" "Maggie's training for our wedding night." "I'm taking her trekking on Annapurna for our honeymoon." "how romantic." " We think so." "Nothing like sharing your nuptial bed with two Sherpas and a yak." "[LAUGHING]" "how's it going?" "heh... of all three train wrecks." "who's my pride." "I'll never hide when she's by my side." "my sugar magnolia." "[CROWD CHEERING ON TV]" "IKE:" "You want the truth?" "You want the facts?" "I got them." "[{\cH808080}♪ PLAYING "SUGAR MAGNOLIA"]" "I'll send you a copy of the notes." "Good weekend reading for you." "bye." "come on Under the willow" "We can have high times if you'll abide" "We can discover the wonders of nature" "Rolling in the rushes down by the riverside" "She's got everything delightful" "She's got everything I need" "Takes the wheel when I'm seeing double" "Pays my ticket when I speed" "let's go." "PEGGY:" "Uh-oh." "where are you going?" " MAGGIE:" "Sam!" "but how was the wedding?" "Shorter than we planned." "Just go." "baby." "[VIDEO FAST-FORWARDING]" "JOY OF MAN'S DESIRING" PLAYING ON ORGAN]" "[CHATTERING]" "[{\cH808080}♪ WOMAN SINGING "AVE MARIA" ON TV]" "[CROWD MURMURING] she's leaving." "she didn't forget her purse." "go after her!" "Do something!" "Heh." "I don't believe this." "[{\cH808080}♪ BAND PLAYING PACHELBEL'S CANON]" "[{\cH808080}♪ PLAYING MARCH FROM "THE MARRIAGE OF FIGARO"]" "[CROWD CHATTERING ON TV]" "we're gathered here today..." "[WHINNYING] please?" "What's wrong with the horse?" "MAN:" "The horse seems more jittery than the bride." "[PLAYING OVERTURE FROM "THE MARRIAGE OF FIGARO"]" "but he's no good because he's too blond." "then we just go with something very traditional." "He's handsome." "Maybe a little too dark for Bob." "but he's got the Bobster's eyes." "[IKE SNIFFS] no." "Bobster's eyes are closer set." "Yeah." " Hello." "Hi." " Hi." "could I have two cups of coffee?" " Yes." "what is that wonderful smell?" "ha." "okay." "I think this makes the best you." " Okay." "let's see." "Look at that." "Excuse me." "look at that." "bam!" "ow." "Help me!" "Help me!" "that'd be her." "[LAUGHS]" "I am." "And you are?" "Betty." "I guess you'll be the one making the cake." "I am." "Sure." " I'm also told that you will be throwing..." "I'm throwing the luau for Maggie." "Mm-hm." "Pre-wedding luau." "you should stop by." "he doesn't wanna come." "I'd love to come." "[DINGS]" "IKE:" "I will be there." "Thank you." "Is that what you're gonna do now?" "Follow me around everywhere I go?" "No." "Betty." "Mr. Graham." "I know." "That's my pick." "The eyes are perfect." "[BOB BLOWS WHISTLE]" "CHEERLEADERS [IN UNISON]:" "We always win." "We never fail." "so go to Hale!" "let's go!" "Kendall." "don't marry coach." "Marry me." "I love you." "go." "drive!" "From the hips!" "From the hips!" "keep it low!" "[BLOWS WHISTLE] special teams." "Special teams." "how are you?" " Mwah." "Good." "What is he up to now?" "Oh." "Ike just dropped by to check out the team." " Oh." " And to talk about you." " Aw." " Yes." "MAGGIE:" "You're making friends with this man?" "I'm just bragging about how good you are." "And how I'm the luckiest man alive." "Mm-hm." "Sweetie." "I better be moving." " Got a lot of work to do today." " All right." " See you lovebirds later." " See you at the wedding." "coach." " You invited him to the wedding?" "let's go!" "You realize he's writing another article about me?" "but you're not running." "give me some of that homemade sunshine." " Boys!" " MAGGIE:" "Whoa!" "Take my princess for a ride on her chariot." "my..." "Ha-ha-ha." "for I have sinned." "anyway." "I have sort of a technical question." "I've been having bad thoughts." "Really bad thoughts." "no." "Uh.... everything." "I want revenge." "how bad is that?" "Can I "Hail Mary" my way out of that?" "any sin in one's heart is a..." " The name is Maggie." "you had your tongue down my throat." "okay?" "It annoys me." "I just... talk to me." "I need to talk to you." "so you really shouldn't be here." "I'm sorry." "I'm just so stressed out about this slimeball reporter being in town." "I wanted to tell you that he might stop by here... and ask you ridiculous questions." "he only actually asked me one ridiculous question." "The rest weren't so bad." "you talked to him?" "Ooh." "Did you tell him that we dated before you were a priest?" "Of course." "But I think I only did you good." "What exactly did he ask?" "no." " It won't take long." "Just two venials." " Okay." "just respectful things." "What kind of music did you like?" "What did we have in common back then?" "Did you ruin my life when you left me at the altar?" "Oh." "What did you say?" "how could I be angry... when this is clearly as God intended for it to be for me?" "Good one." "Thanks." "really how I feel." "yes." "Not God." "I'm sorry." "I better go." "but I think I know exactly where he's going next." "God bless." "purse." "Heh." "Forgot my purse." "sorry." "Purse." "Good luck." "What was the one ridiculous question that he asked?" "he wanted to know how you liked your eggs." "Oh." "Weird." "Like a person's gonna remember after all this time." "pepper and dill." "Same as me." "Brian." "I'm happy now here." "It's where I'm supposed to be." "will you do me this favor?" "Confess to Father Patrick." "Of course." " MAGGIE:" "Gill?" "Lydia?" " Mags!" "the tape." "Remember?" "Radio City Music Hall concert when Jerry was on ripple... listen..." "I'll play it for you." "You remember." "You were there." "Can you focus on me?" "There's this reporter who's making my life a living hell." " Okay." " And whatever you do... do not show him that picture of me from the concert in San Francisco." "Okay?" "Can you...?" "[IKE LAUGHING]" " What is that?" "Huh?" " Uh...." "San Francisco?" "But we went a few times." "There's a lot of pictures." "Which picture?" "Because one time we had a flat tire." "Remember?" "IKE:" "Imagine!" "Maggie Carpenter topless in a public arena." "Hmm." "yeah." "I see it was a very chilly evening." "Mm-hm." "though... is that you can't see that rose tattoo on your back." "yeah." "Ike bet me 50 bucks that you don't still have it." "man." "Maggie loved that thing." "I could use 50 bucks." "IKE:" "Mm-hm." "GILL:" "Maggie?" "Just..." "[MAGGIE CHUCKLES]" "I'm not gonna show you guys anything." "I am a soon-to-be-married woman." " So just give me the photograph." " IKE:" "I would love to give you this." "I would." "Just give us a quick gander at that rose... and I'll gladly turn it over to you." "fine." " Okay?" "All right?" "Ahem." "Satisfied?" " IKE:" "Completely." "you got it removed?" "Ahh." "Gill..." "I'll go you double or nothing it was a stick-on." "Maggie?" "[MAGGIE SCOFFS] really... afraid of needles." " But that doesn't make me a bad person." " Look." "Look." "Look." "I think this man is heartbroken." "he's not." " GILL:" "I think I am." "you're not." "and you have Lydia." "You're not..." "[STRUMMING] okay?" "Ike?" " What would Jerry do?" " IKE:" "He'd play." " Jerry would play." " He would play." "[PLAYING BLUES MUSIC]" "there's Ike... with the mayor and the police chief." "he sure makes friends easy." "That's pretty cool." "[CROWD CHEERING] yeah!" " That's right!" "right?" " Yeah." "There he is again." "Snoop Doggy Dogg." "really?" "He's an attractive man." "The vicious reporter is attractive?" "You're saying viciousness is attractive?" "I'm not saying viciousness is attractive." " That's very telling." "[CROWD CHEERING] he's coming." "don't leave." "Uh... act natural." " Okay." "he can probably read lips." "yeah." "Well done." " I will handle this." " Don't move your lips!" "Okay?" "Go on." " I will handle this." "I won't say anything." " Okay." " Okay." " I'll handle it." "Cory!" "Peggy Flemming." " Hey." "that's Maggie's seat." "and this must be her beer too." "Mm." "sweetie!" "IKE:" "That your husband out here?" " Yeah." " This is Cory?" "Cory Flemming?" "that's right." "Wake Up With Flemm?" "Not yet." "Atlantic Hotel's Lee Mistlehorne." " He actually made the all-stars in high school." " Really?" " Yeah." " You must be proud of him." "I didn't really know him back then." "he was actually dating Maggie... at the time." "he never really... it was just like...." "Sometimes he'd call her Magpie and it was really irritating." "uh... this is good." " He's stealing third!" " Yes!" "Excellent." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Whoo!" "Safe!" "I love it!" "[ALL CHEERING]" " Good one!" " Magpie!" "Just..." "Excellent!" "they're still friends." "it's just..." "So..." "Excuse me." " You all right?" " Yeah." "Hale students 8." "Peggy?" " Hey!" "WOMAN:" "Cookies for today's game were donated by Betty Trout." "Jordan Hill." "three minutes?" "What did you do to her?" " You could just turn that finger around." " Excuse me?" "pow." "What is that?" "What is this about?" "You know what?" "We have all been friends our entire lives." "[IKE SCOFFS]" "A type of relationship that you obviously don't understand." "I'm not the only one who does not understand." "The U.S.S. Maggie leaves quite a wake." "Excuse me." "[SCOFFS]" "Pot-stirrer man." "WOMAN:" "Cory Flemming to Lee Mistlehorne to Dr. Ettinger." "Hey." "All right." "That's cheering." "I'm cheering normal." "Cheer normal." "Peggy." " PEGGY:" "Good morning." "[HUMMING]" "MAGGIE:" "Do you think I flirt with Cory?" "Good morning to you too." "You look good." "MAGGIE:" "Thank you." "Do you think I flirt with Cory?" " Yes." " I don't mean to." "I know." "I think sometimes you just sort of... spaz out with excess flirtatious energy... and it just lands on anything male that moves." "Anything male that moves?" "As opposed to anything male that doesn't?" "like certain kinds of coral." " I'm definitely gonna have to kill myself today." " Why?" "check me out." "I don't." "I think you're like:" "I'm charming and mysterious in a way that even I don't understand... and something about me is crying out for protection from a big man like you." "It's very hard to compete with." "Especially as married women who've lost our mystery." "Lost..." "You haven't..." "You are totally mysterious." "I'm weird." "Weird and mysterious are two very different things." "you're quirky." "Quirky and weird are two very different things." "I think there is a distinct possibility... that I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up." "Despite that..." "I love you and I promise... to no longer flirt with Cory." "or me and Cory... or you being irreversibly screwed up." "you've been like this since we were kids." "now that you're aware of it... and that it hurts people's feelings sometimes... maybe it's time to get on with life and commit to someone of your own... if he's the one." "I know." "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" "there's always the thing that brings warmth to my heart... and that is duckbill platypus." "Camp Birchwood on a..." " Just do it." " A trip with the tent and my leg as the pole... that's the only time that's funny." "Let's just see." "Oh." "[PEGGY LAUGHING]" "MAGGIE:" "It's so humiliating." "Thank you." "ladies ladies We're going to leave you now roll along" "Merrily we roll along wake up." "Hey." " Hello?" " Hey." "Hi." "Give me the key to the reporter's room." "I wanna snoop around." "second floor." "Thank you." " Don't take anything big." " MAGGIE:" "Okay." "Shh." "Hmm." "Hopefully his favorite." "my theory is that she's running... because she gets negative attention." "And negative attention is attention." "Like when women whack you on the street... because of your column." "That's negative attention." "not mine." "How does she get all those guys to propose?" "She's not that beautiful." "[SCOFFS] paperboy." "Aw." "hey." "Ike." " IKE:" "Hey." "they're real shiny in the morning." " Sometimes they don't bring them back." " Hmm." "Why take a chance?" "IKE:" "Good night." "All right." "I know you're in there." "I saw you." "[GRUNTS]" "You realize you're messing with the First Amendment now." "open up." "Come on." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "We should have a very serious discussion about why you are such a pain in the ass!" "Now open the door!" "I'm coming in." "I'm coming through." "It's your last chance." "Here I come!" "Here I come!" "Here I come!" "All right." "Breaking and entering." "That's a felony." "I'm calling the sheriff." "You know what?" "You do that." "Can you remind him that he's bringing the wine to the luau?" "Save me a call." "Thanks so much." "[SCOFFS] does your friend have a sister?" "Wait for the original." "She'll be available in a week." "[{\cH808080}♪ MILES DAVIS' "IT NEVER ENTERED MY MIND" PLAYING ON STEREO]" "[MAGGIE MIMICKING ROOSTER CROWING]" "hold on to those covers." "I didn't come here to see Ike Junior." "[SIGHS]" "I take it the desk clerk is one of your many admirers." "interesting reading." " What's your point?" "you're getting it all wrong." "That won't improve your reputation." "It's not very flattering to me either." "So I decided that I would help you write the truth." " Heh." "Really?" " Mm-hm." "Oh." "I've decided to cooperate and let you interview me... for 1000 bucks." "[IKE CLEARS THROAT] and for a grand..." "I will answer all your questions and let you follow me around." "The magazine does not spend money for stories." "It's not what you would call ethical." "I meant you." "I figured you probably got severance or expenses or both." "I'm guessing that you're writing on spec." "you might actually sell that thing." " Too much." " Seven-fifty." " Five hundred." " Six-fifty." "Done." "[IKE WHISTLING "THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW" THEME]" "Is that supposed to be a joke or something?" "I know what you're whistling." " Hello." " Hi." "[IKE CHUCKLES]" "MAGGIE:" "This is a birthday present for my cousin." "ha." "That's great." "Wonderful stuff." "All these found industrial parts and things." "A lamp tree." "That's great." " Is this...?" "That's your preferred logo?" " I think so." "It's nice." "The whole thing is great." "I think you could sell these lamps in New York." "Maybe someday." "Hmm." "no." "I'm not afraid." "Just someday." "This is Brian." "Father Brian." "yeah." "MAGGIE:" "And George." "He proposed at a butterfly farm in Saint Thomas." "The ring was inside a cocoon." "but... he's an entomologist." "I thought it was very unique." "Bob." " Hmm." "He proposed during the seventh-inning stretch... at an Oriole game." "don't tell me." "Maggie." "It was one of the most wonderful moments of my life." "Highly suspect." "What do you mean?" "It was incredibly romantic." "maybe it's just me... it just doesn't ring true." "I think the most that anybody can honestly say is:" "I guarantee that there'll be tough times." "I guarantee that at some point... one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing." "But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine..." "I'll regret it the rest of my life... because I know in my heart... you're the only one for me." "I like it." "I'd like it better on a scoreboard." "Heh." "So is that what you said when you asked your wife to marry you?" "don't look so surprised." "You've got "divorce" written all over you." "I'm a work in progress." "So is that what you said to her?" "I think I said something very eloquent like:" "um... you know... huh?" "[CHUCKLES] that's romantic." "you didn't find eternal bliss?" "What went wrong?" "I don't know." " You don't know?" " No." "Maybe you should ask her sometime." "Ever thought of that?" "[CHUCKLES]" "I have still never been married." "And I still deserve a beautiful dress." " Mrs. Whittenmeyer?" " WOMAN:" "Where are you going?" "Maggie." "You have to excuse her." "Some of the children are afraid of you since you dragged that little boy up the aisle." "I didn't... he tripped on his own shoelaces." "WHITTENMEYER:" "You've come for your dress." "Good." "It's in the back." "I'll get it." "I decided... that I want to get this dress." "dear." "but I've just..." "I've changed my mind." "000." "000." "dear." "um...." "Is that dress for sale?" "Maggie." "you only wear them for about ten minutes or so." "yeah." "I guess that's true." "Uh...." "The other dress is nice." " IKE:" "Mrs. Whittenheimer?" " WHITTENMEYER:" "Meyer." "Whittenmeyer." "Could I talk to you just for a second?" "Come here." "I don't know much about this kind of thing." "I'm from out of town." "right?" "You're here to sell wedding dresses." "I've been here 30 years." " Perfect!" "Because Miss Carpenter is here to buy one." "Ah." "But not just any one." "She wants that one." "Aunt Bee." "all right?" "We're buying the dress." "we'll have this nice beautiful dress." "it's hers." "Okay?" "All right?" "What do you think?" "Hmm?" "You look...." "You look fine." "Fine." "[CLEARS THROAT]" "You're reading your newspaper upside down." "That's gotta be better than "fine." "Yeah." "now." "Admire me." "Get the whole picture." "Right?" "Picture it." "I'm gonna have my hair up somehow." "I don't know." "Maybe with a little in the back." "And my favorite feature... is that it kind of swishes like a bell when I move." "Ding." "Ding." "Ding." "Ding." "It works." "Bob will be very happy." "Bob." "Oh." "We gotta go." "We gotta go meet Bob." "I'm going to the luau." "I never miss it." "The barbershop quartet..." "I think." " I'm all out of the special..." " That's all right." "egg whites only." " PRESSMAN:" "Okay." " Mm." "That sounds good." "I'll have the same." " Of course." "What is that?" "I can't even order eggs without sarcasm from you?" "[CLEARS THROAT]" " Neutral corners." "You're on the same team." " What's that sound? "Ahem." " Have some water." " Penalty box." " What is it?" "Fur ball?" "Ugh." " Penalty box." "Penalty box." "Maggie is the sweetest person you're ever gonna meet." "But she focuses too much out there." "She needs to start focusing more in here." "uh...." "Whatever you wanna call them." "Problems in the past." "And that's what we're working on." "Focus." "Focus." "Focus on Maggie." "Focus on Maggie." "Mm-hm." "Focus on Bob." "Focus on Bob." "I've been running Maggie through visualization exercises." "All the sports shrinks use this head stuff." "visualize the end zone." "Visualize that hole-in-one." "do you spike the bouquet?" "I'm off." "A reporter's work is never done." "Mrs. Pressman." "Thank you." "Bob." "GRANDMA:" "I'm glad you're here." "I wanted to try to explain." "There are reasons why there have been three weddings and no "I do's." "you can't believe how much cake we got stuck with." "It's a wonder I don't weigh 300 pounds." "And then her father bought all that booze that nobody drank." "Grandma." "Netta." "Grammy here was giving me the skinny on why you run from marital bliss." "cover up your ears." "It's not that she's afraid of the wedding." " She's afraid of the wedding night." " Hmm." "Innocent girls are terrified of the one-eyed snake." "I took a knitting needle to bed with me." "ahem." "I charmed the one-eyed snake a while ago." "yeah." "Heh." "I'll tell you one thing." "Your grandpa never forgot that wedding night." "you can take your hands down." " The tea's cold." " Good." "please?" "Grammy." "ahem." "and I didn't know if it was something interesting." "I was cleaning out the attic and..." "This is amaz..." "This is very hard to find in good condition." "hmm?" " Huh?" " Take it." "finding me a rare album." "are you?" "not attempting the impossible." "I smell trouble." "and I'll be featuring the music... tomorrow morning on Wake Up With..." "IKE:" "What do we got here?" "big guy." "Oh." "on our feet." "There we go." "big guy." "Yeah." "I haven't had any fun since you got your driver's license." "let me give you a tip." "I haven't been having a whole lot of fun either." "[BOTH GRUNT]" "Steady." "Dad." "step." "[WALTER GRUNTS]" "Travis." " That guy Travis really has a problem." " Hmm." "here we are." " I'll get..." "I'm gonna push." "WALTER:" "Good daughters let their fathers pass out." "Walter." "Right down there." "please don't write anything... forget about it." "Don't even think about it." "I'm just so tired of this whole scene." "Why don't you just let him sleep it off here in the truck?" "come back for him later." "Okay." "he's been drinking more and more since my mom passed away." "IKE:" "So that's when you quit school to come back here?" "MAGGIE:" "Yeah." "I had to come run the store for my dad." "my dad had a small printing business." "He wanted me to become a classical musician." "My mother wanted me to be a novelist." "They were 0-for-2." "More?" "became a reporter." "journalism is literature in a hurry." "[ENGINE SPUTTERING] what?" "What is this?" "MAGGIE:" "What kind of gas did you put in here?" "Diesel?" "IKE:" "I don't know." "The pump closest to the car." "[BANGS]" "IKE:" "Whoa." "MAGGIE:" "This car takes unleaded." "Your filter is clogged." "IKE:" "Can you fix it?" "good." "Kind of isolated here." "it's nice." "that's hail a cab." "we walk." "um... there's a place just down the way." "We country girls cut across the field." "It's quicker." "be careful of snakes." " What?" " Snakes." " I don't like snakes." " Walk nice." "They won't get you." "come on." "MAGGIE:" "What are you...?" "What are you doing?" "Snake dance?" "IKE:" "I'm scaring the snakes." "ha." "I'm scaring myself." "Do you think there's one right person for everybody?" "[IKE SIGHS] but I think attraction is too often mistaken for rightness." "Attraction is very misleading." "it is." " Yeah." " And it doesn't mean anything." " No." "no." "It doesn't mean anything." "It means... uh... heh." " Tools." " Tools." "Yeah." "[MAGGIE CLEARS THROAT]" "Maggie!" "What are you gonna do?" "Bust out of another wedding?" "[IKE CHUCKLES]" "IKE:" "Sure are well known around here." "it's almost done." "I swear." "This story's taken a very interesting turn." "I've got one more interview to do up in New York." "I'll see you later." "You could've told me that you were Fiancé Number 3." "And end up in the papers?" "I've been humiliated enough already to last a lifetime." "Thank you." "I was traveling around... studying the reproductive and migratory patterns of locusts... when Maggie met me." "why do you think she ran?" "Just like you said." "What did you call her?" "A man-eater?" "right?" "That's what I said." "I don't think that's why she ran." " Why do you think she ran?" " I don't know." "I'm working on it." " I was on the wrong track." " GEORGE:" "Are you defending her?" "no." "that's all." "I'm a journalist." "I'm a truth-teller." " Unbelievable." " What?" "like a moth to a flame." " Please." " GEORGE:" "Join the club." " What are you talking about?" " You need this much more than I do." "heh." "IKE:" "Look." "See?" "See?" "I'm being paid." "This will be published." "It's a cover story." "You'll get all the facts in the article." "Do you know what kind of eggs she liked?" "same as me." "FISHER:" "An overpriced apartment and Chinese takeout." "don't forget the fortune cookies." "FISHER:" "I already read the fortune." "You don't wanna know." "[IKE PLAYING PIANO]" "ELLIE:" "He makes me crazy." "isn't it?" "Heh." "It takes three people to make our marriage work:" "me and our therapist." "[ELLIE CHUCKLES] what went wrong?" "I mean." "but do you remember?" "Yeah." "Do I remember?" "Heh." "Of course I do." "Is that what...?" "Did I do the same...?" "Is that what happened?" "Did I just not see you?" "you didn't." "I'm sorry." "Ellie." "Ike." "that only took us 12 years to say." "[ELLIE  IKE CHUCKLE] you cad." "you got it." "Here you go." "My dear." " There you are." "Get your fortune." "Let me see." " ELLIE:" "Okay." "man who leave wife alone with ex-husband may leave altogether." " Ha-ha-ha." " Uh-huh." "MAN 1:" "Lights and everything." "ha." "[BAND PLAYING HULA MUSIC]" "[CROWD CHEERING]" "BETTY:" "Let's have a hand for our fabulous hula dancers." "There they are." "King and queen." "[SINGING IN HAWAIIAN]" "I'm thinking about going back to my maiden name." "Can you still remember it?" "you know." "and I would... you see." "QUARTET [SINGING]:" "In my little grass shack" "Hawaii" "LOU:" "Welcome to our annual luau." "Mr. Trout." "Uh...." "You got something without a toy in it?" "[UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]" "Sprout." " BETTY:" "The next three." "Yeah." "I'm hearing it here." "Aloha." "That's a very fetching headdress you're wearing." "Where did...?" "Where did you disappear to?" "huh?" "BETTY:" "And we have a winner right here!" "Bob!" "it's chow time here on the islands... shrimp trout." "So let's all meet over at the tables." "no." "pity." "Attention!" "Pay attention to Walter." "Listen closely." "He slurs." "[ALL LAUGH] it is now toast time." "[CROWD APPLAUDS]" "Lou "A Honey of a Beekeeper" Trout." "[CROWD APPLAUDING]" "[WHISTLES]" "May the groom's heart be filled with hope... and the bride's feet filled with lead." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "May the pitter-patter of little feet not be Maggie's." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "May the gifts be returnable." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "MAN 1:" "I took mine back." ""You're not losing a daughter"?" "I'd like to." "Ha-ha-ha." " CROWD:" "Ha-ha-ha." "buddy?" "WALTER:" "Maggie may not be Hale's longest-running joke..." " but she is certainly the fastest." " [MOUTHS] But she is certainly the fastest." "Dad." "maybe Mr. Graham will say something." "Mr. Graham?" "just a minute." "I don't know yet." "You okay?" "take a shot at Maggie live." "It's more fun than print." "Excuse me?" "Ike." "let's go." " Come on." "All right." "We'll have a toast!" " Yeah!" " MAN 3:" "Come on!" "To Maggie's family and friends." "May you find yourselves... the bull's-eye of an easy target." "May you be publicly flogged for all of your bad choices... and may your noses be rubbed in all of your mistakes." "but enough toasting." "Let's hula." "everybody." "everybody." "Maggie." "Maggie?" "where are those hula dancers?" " Here." "She might need this." " BETTY:" "Everybody gets a hula lesson." " Where'd Maggie go to?" " She went to get me something from her car." " Maybe she needs help." " Bob." " Okay." "The guard who threw the block?" " Yeah." "Elijah Pitts." " He's a running back." " The Fridge." "Refrigerator Perry?" "IKE:" "Maggie?" "[SIGHS]" "Hey." "Here's a coat." " Put this coat on." "It's cold..." " Don't pretend to be a nice person." " I was the only person in there defending you." " You humiliated me!" "I defended you." "Humiliating you is what everyone else did in there." " That is the theme of the party tonight." " No." "It was under control." "they should." " They're about to see you hang yourself again." " What do you...?" "!" "Tell me something." "Do you really care about Mount Everest?" "It's fun." "Heh." "It's high." "Sexual practices of locusts?" "I was being supportive." "Not supportive!" "You weren't being supportive!" "you're scared now." "You are the most lost woman... lost." "You're so... you don't even know what kind of eggs you like." " Yes!" " What?" "that's right." "it was fried." "it was poached." "egg whites only." "Thank you very much." "That is called changing your mind." "that's called not having a mind of your own." "what are you doing?" "You really want that guy up there to drag you up Annapurna for your honeymoon?" "You do not wanna climb Annapurna!" "I do!" "[SIGHS] you don't." "You want a man who'll lead you down the beach... with his hand over your eyes... just so you can discover the feel of sand under your feet." "You want a guy that'll wake you up at dawn." "He's just bursting to talk to you." "Can't wait another minute... just to find out what you'll say." "Am I right?" "Stop it." "I'm getting married on Sunday." "And you are just trying to make me run." "exploitive... mean-hearted creep... who wouldn't know real love if it bit him in the armpit." "All you do is tear others down... and laugh at them and criticize what they do... because you're too afraid to do anything yourself." "I read your columns." "You never once wrote anything about yourself." "I am not the only one that is lost." "And you know it." "Am I right?" "help me out here." "Green Bay right guard." "uh...." " You okay?" " Yes." "[MAGGIE CLEARS THROAT]" " I'll take you inside." "Okay?" " Mm-hm." "Okay." " MAGGIE:" "Jerry Kramer." " BOB:" "Jerry Kramer!" "ice bowl story." "[BOB SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]" "Grandma." " What's for lunch?" " Turkey and cheese." "your grandmother and I are thinking about having a wedding gift museum." "[CHUCKLES]" " Stop." " What?" "Stop." "Don't say another word like that." "it was just a joke." " No!" "and it's gone on long enough." "You may not like that you have a daughter with problems." "But guess what." "I don't like that I have a father who's drunk all the time." "I'll eat in my room." "and two days before the wedding." "She's already done this." "Bob insisted she visualize the ceremony." "we're ready." "You want me to have Ike leave now?" "let's make Ike the pastor." "I'd rather not." " MAGGIE:" "It'll give you a great view." "I think it's perfect." "Okay?" "Hey." " Hey." " BOB:" "Okay." "Pastor Ike." " PEGGY:" "He's gonna be the pastor?" " Yes." "Yes." "Because I want him front and center so he can just see everything." " Up there." "That's it." " Okay." "foyer." " Okay." "[IKE SIGHS]" "[BOB GRUNTS]" "Ready?" "PEGGY:" "What happened at the luau?" "I..." "I don't..." "I... okay?" "What is this?" " PEGGY:" "It's for the bell." " Oh." " CINDY:" "Bob's in a hurry." " Oh." "remember what Bob said." " Let us visualize." "Be the ball." " Sink the putt." " Make the shot." " CINDY:" "Nothing but net." " PEGGY:" "Never say die." " MAGGIE:" "Move your butts." "where are you?" "coach." "[SIGHS]" "The bell." "Ooh." "[BELL TOLLING]" "Whoa." "[MAGGIE SHRIEKING]" "[MAGGIE GRUNTS]" "What's she doing?" "She's being the bell instead of the ball." "Sanctuary." "Sanctuary." "you okay?" "Anyway..." "[{\cH808080}♪ ORGANIST PLAYING "BRIDAL CHORUS"]" "this could become an evening wedding." "okay." "You know something?" "It's great." "I think we're taking this a little too fast." "Right?" "You're tensing." "You feel it?" "okay?" "come here." " Yeah." "You're me." "Stand here so she knows how far she's gotta come." "I'm gonna walk with you." "Okay?" " Now he's the groom?" " BOB:" "Here we go." "All right?" "visualize." "Visualize." "Relax." "Limber." "[BOTH SIGH]" "spiraling through the air... [{\cH808080}♪ ORGANIST PLAYING "BRIDAL CHORUS"]" "into the waiting hands of the groom." "I'm spiraling through the air." "I am... streaking... toward the goal line." "BOB:" "Keep eye contact." "Keep eye contact." "And I land on the goal line." "BOB:" "Good." "Good." "Good." "I'm the pastor and I say:" "Dearly beloved... blah... yabba-dabba." "I now pronounce you man and wife." "Kiss the bride." "We have the organ crescendo... that just leads us right down the aisle." "[{\cH808080}♪ ORGANIST PLAYING "BRIDAL CHORUS"]" "And we are man and..." "PEGGY:" "No!" "BOB:" "Maggie?" "Mag...?" "[MAGGIE  IKE CHUCKLE] okay." "you did great." "I'm really sorry." "She kissed me back." "you kissed me back." "caught that." "You wanna tell me how long this has been going on?" "About a minute." " Longer for me." " Really?" " IKE:" "Yeah." "What do you expect me to say to this?" "um:" "I hope you two will be really happy together." "I hope you two will be really happy together." "[IKE GROANING] take care of him." "yeah." "MAGGIE:" "Bob!" "Bob!" "I'm sorry." "I'm..." "At least this time I backed out before the wedding." "That's progress." "You are gonna find some woman who can make you so much happier than I ever could." "see?" "See?" "It's happening already." " She's good with needy men." " Yeah." "Uh.... um...." " Why don't you..." " Yeah." " Just call me later?" " Okay." "but here's my number." "Bob." "[ENGINE STARTS] go home." "How's Bob?" "Eh." "Okay." "what just happened just now?" "in there?" " I don't know." "I..." "I don't even wanna talk about it." "Me neither." "wait." "no." "stop." " Mm-mm." "Mm-mm." "no." "We gotta..." "We have to talk." "all right?" "Just..." "Come over here." "Pull up a..." " Pull up a rail." " I was enjoying the..." "Okay." " All right." "Just give me a little space here." " Okay." "[MAGGIE CLEARS THROAT]" "All right." "Do you think may...?" "you do have a dress." "And the church." "And the wedding date." "Then there's the two of us." "Maybe..." "You do have to go down the aisle with somebody... that you love..." " and who loves you back." " Who?" "[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]" "I'm okay with that." "So am I." "[CHUCKLES]" "I'm getting married." "there's not a lot to do around here." "I just believe he's listening to you." "any color." "I like his tight butt." "I do." "huh?" " It's gonna be in 37 hours." " I didn't miss the first one." "We're gonna spend part of the time here because he wants to write a book." "you always wanted to write a novel." "I feel inspired here." "I feel like I can write." "I wanna write." "Ike is getting married." "ha." "I'm gonna kill you." " Hi." "It's him." "He's on the phone." " MAGGIE:" "Oh!" "[MAGGIE CLEARS THROAT]" " Hi." "Hi." " IKE [OVER PHONE]:" "Hi." " What are you doing?" " IKE:" "Nothing." "PEGGY:" "Pick that up." " IKE:" "What are you doing?" " It's all right." "Nothing." "I see the most beautiful girl." "He can see me." "Bet's up." "double jack!" "You were trying to cheat!" "It doesn't work!" "my God." "Aah!" "Aah!" "ha!" "this is a mature relationship." "[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]" "[BELL TOLLING]" "Maryland." "never a bridesmaid... is attempting to complete her fourth wedding ceremony." "Jessica." "The turnout for this morning's ceremony is usually saved for royalty or movie stars..." "Maryland's very own star." "bride-ee." "What part of 'I do' don't you understand?" "Get your Runaway Bride T-shirts here." "Will she or won't she?" "That is on the minds of these several hundred folks standing here... who is missing in action." " He's gonna stand me up." " Of course he's gonna come... because today I saw eight geese flying in a V." "You with the lucky geese!" "You always see geese!" " Not eight." "And in a V." " Eight is better?" " Eight in a V. Can you imagine?" "uh...." " Victory?" "Victory?" " PEGGY:" "Victory!" " CINDY:" "And Velcro?" " Okay." "Velcro!" "Stick together!" " Virginal." " Oh." "no." "I'm nervous." "Where are my bags?" " Okay." "No." " No bags." "Bags are for later." "rub your ears." "Rub your ears." " Rub your ears." "That's a great idea." "That's a very good idea." "Rub your ears." "Cory does that to me sometimes." "whew." "We do it to the dog." "MARVIN:" "Get your "I don't think she will" shirt." "These shirts are not sold in stores." "[CAMERAS CLICKING]" "[CROWD CHATTERING]" " Here comes Ike Graham!" " Showtime." "actually." "that's nice." " PEGGY:" "He's here!" "he's here." "And Ike Graham has arrived at church." "[REPORTERS CHATTERING]" " WOMAN 2:" "Is it your first marriage?" " Is it your last marriage?" "he gets whacked." "okay." " MAGGIE:" "This is such a good sign." "PEGGY:" "Okay!" "All right!" "Okay!" "Get this...!" "Who makes this stuff?" "!" "okay." "okay." "we won't get your dress on." "A girl can't get married in flannel." "He's the one." "He really is the one." "[REPORTERS CHATTERING]" "You're not invited!" "Go back to New York." "Get out of here." "He's the one!" "He's the one!" "We gotta hurry because the Sunday School kids are coming." " Mrs. Pressman." " There's no microphone." "put it there." "no fun." "I was gonna do this Scorsese thing... shoot." " ELLIE:" "Ike." "God." " Unh." "thank you." "aren't we?" " Of course we are." "but I'm not sure I'm the best." " Go see the pastor." "He'll tell you what to do." " All right." "Someone will tell me what to do." "you always looked great in that suit." "Ike?" "honey." "I have a car waiting out back for you just in case she decides to run." "BETTY:" "I have an invitation." "Lou!" "He's with me." "You look terrible." "Thanks." "Here." "I'm glad it's you." " Really?" "I wouldn't want to have found out that I wasn't the one for her in the fourth quarter." "any final advice?" "BOB:" "Maintain eye contact." "Eye contact." "Eye contact." "Eye contact." "What have you got going on here?" "You wanna look just special for the wedding." "a '63 Buick." "Mrs. Trout." " What are you saying?" "We're practically family." " How's that there?" " Hello." "My name is Fisher." "What's yours?" "does it?" " You just pulled a hair from my neck." " There we are." "please." "This is my wedding." " Yes." "Sit down." "Thank you." "We're starting soon." " Who was that?" " Mrs. Trout." " He doesn't have a..." " Don't do..." "Don't." " I just want that to be able to..." " Don't..." " Fold it in the pocket." "Right in the pocket." " Don't do..." "Please!" "Just go..." "Grandma." "I love you." "Dad." "with the whole town of Hale on the bride's side... and with many New Yorkers on the groom's side." "[ALL CHATTERING]" " Is this taken?" " No." "I'm Elaine from Manhattan." "Maggie's fourth attempt." " I'm sorry." "That's okay." "There's a lid for every pot." "And I'm comfortable with Ike." "it's like Jack Dempsey lost his heavyweight title to a New Yorker." "Right." "Gene Tunney." " Oh." " Spit." "Let's go." "no sauntering down the aisle." "I don't like that." "Make time." "Just get there." "Just go." " Fine." " Okay." "[ALL MURMURING]" "please." "[{\cH808080}♪ ORGANIST PLAYING "BRIDAL CHORUS"]" "The bride is walking down the aisle." "Maggie Carpenter is walking down the aisle." "[CROWD GASPS] she's pausing." "stay with me." " CORY:" "Keep eye contact." "Keep eye contact." "[CROWD CHUCKLES]" "PASTOR:" "Please be seated." "Thank you." "I sneaked in a camera." "PASTOR:" "We are gathered here today... no cameras now." "Could we hold off photos until the end of the ceremony?" " Thank you." " Oh." " PASTOR:" "We are gathered here today...." " No." " PASTOR:" "Where's she going?" " IKE:" "Don't." "[CROWD CHATTERING]" " Maggie." " Block the doors!" "PASTOR:" "Please be seated!" "don't!" "never a dull moment at a Maggie wedding." "There's a man coming with candy in his pocket." "little queen." " Just tickle him." " Maggie!" " Maggie!" "Maggie!" " CHILDREN [IN UNISON]:" "Give us some candy!" "not me." "Get the naughty bride." "Naughty bride." "Get her." "no." "It's an Armani suit." "[GRUNTS]" "MAGGIE:" "Wait!" " Wait!" " IKE:" "Maggie!" "go." "Maggie!" "Maggie!" "Don't do it!" "Don't!" "Maggie!" " He's running after her." " He's in pretty good shape too." "Maggie!" "Where do you think she's going?" "she'll be there by 10:30 tomorrow." "Maggie!" "No!" "Maggie!" "No!" "No!" "Maggie!" "REPORTERS:" "Mr. Graham!" "Mr. Graham!" "Mr. Graham!" "[COWS MOOING]" " What is your next move?" " How do you feel now?" " WOMAN 1:" "What will you do?" " WOMAN 2:" "You must feel terrible." "But would you think about giving her a second chance?" "talk to us." " LEE:" "That's enough." "leave him alone." "Hardware honey goes nuts and bolts." "How many times is she gonna do this?" "Aura Lee the mayor has requested that we all stop gossiping... about last week's Maggie Carpenter almost-wedding." "This is Cory Flemming for W-HALE saying:" "May the good Lord make you smart enough to live in a small town." "And we cut." "Camera loves you." "you okay?" " Yeah." "I'm closing." "You wanna go to Butch's for a drink?" "and then I think I'll just head home." "Okay." "You know..." "I was thinking about that V thing." "And I think the V in the geese... was half of a W for... uh...." " What are you talking about?" " Wedding!" "Wedding." "You just gotta get the rest of your ducks in a row." "Thank you." " So you still think that he...?" " PEGGY:" "You're quick." "You're very quick." "[SIGHS]" "[CHATTERING]" "here we go." "Marvin." "huh?" "[PHONE RINGING]" "it's me." "Leave a message after the beep." "[MACHINE BEEPS]" "[LINE CLICKS THEN DIAL TONE DRONES ON MACHINE]" "Ike." "Don't tell me my doorman is one of your many admirers." "I'm making friends with your cat." "Is it okay that I'm here?" "do I?" "But I can't speak for Italics." "Traitor." "I don't blame you for being mad." "Or furious." "Irate?" "Livid." "Maggie?" "You here on business?" "I saw your lamps." "really." "and... you could make breaking and entering into a new career." "anyway?" "I wanted to talk to you... about why I run... away from things." " Does it matter?" " I think so." "[MAGGIE CLEARS THROAT]" "I was walking toward somebody... who had no idea who I really was." "And it was only half the other person's fault... because I had done everything to convince him... that I was exactly what he wanted." "So it was good... because it would've been a lie." "But you... you knew the real me." "I did." "I didn't." "I ended up chasing a truck." "I can't do anything about the truck." "uh...." " Benedict." "Arnold." "I love eggs Benedict." "I hate all the other kinds of eggs." "everybody staring." "[IKE CHUCKLES]" "I'd like to get married on a weekday while everybody's at work." "IKE:" "Mm-hm." "I want my own horse." " Should I be writing this down?" " And something else." "you can tell me." "Don't..." "Okay." "These are for you." "they're mine." "I'm turning in my running shoes to you." "This is serious." "And there's one more thing." "the mind reels that there could be more after this." "But if you could just have a seat." "Let's just not have that there." "Okay." "Okay." "no." "Don't hide your face." "This happens once in a lifetime." "Definitely a first for me." "so pay close attention." "[IKE CLEARS THROAT]" "Homer Eisenhower Graham." "Will you marry me?" "[CHUCKLES]" " I gotta think about this a bit." " Good." "I was hoping you'd say that." "I was." "so let me..." "Okay." " Ready?" " I'm listening." "I guarantee that we'll have tough times." "And I guarantee that at some point... one or both of us will want to get out." "But I also guarantee... that if I don't ask you to be mine..." "I'll regret it for the rest of my life... because I know in my heart... you're the only one for me." "Maggie." "I borrowed it from this writer I know." "So?" "[{\cH808080}♪ MILES DAVIS' "IT NEVER ENTERED MY MIND" PLAYING ON STEREO]" "Dance with me." "PASTOR:" "We are gathered here today to celebrate the union... of Maggie Carpenter and Ike Graham." " Do you have the rings?" " IKE:" "Yes." "take Maggie to be your lawfully wedded wife?" "I do." "take Ike to be your lawfully wedded husband?" "I do." "may your individuality strengthen your love." "I now pronounce you husband and wife." "You may kiss the bride." "[GUESTS CHEERING]" "Guess what." "She did it!" "Maggie Carpenter got married." "CHOIR [SINGING]:" "♪ Hallelujah. ♪" "[ALL CHEERING] she did it." "She did it!" "[CHEERING]" "Hallelujah." "[BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]" "[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]"